Wikiquote enwikiquote https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Main_Page MediaWiki 1.47.0-wmf.7 first-letter Media Special Talk User User talk Wikiquote Wikiquote talk File File talk MediaWiki MediaWiki talk Template Template talk Help Help talk Category Category talk Draft Draft talk TimedText TimedText talk Module Module talk Event Event talk 4 68 3954317 3954050 2026-06-18T22:24:58Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3954317 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[Wikiquote:About|Wikiquote]]''' is a collaborative project aimed at creating a multilingual free content compendium of quotations. The English language Wikiquote is the oldest and largest of Wikiquote projects, started on June 27, 2003. Other language versions of Wikiquote were created in July, 2004. As of February 14, 2010, there are over 50 active Wikiquote projects (for definition of "active", see below). == Overview == As of January, 2019, the Wikiquote project as a whole has over 800,000 articles in total. 28 projects, including English Wikiquote, have more than 1,000 articles: now the Polish Wikiquote has 31,700, the English 66,000, Italian 55,300 and Russian 17,900 articles. The top 5 in size are Italian, English, Polish, Russian and Czech. The Russian Wikiquote is the largest among non-latin script Wikiquotes. Among non Indo-European language Wikiquotes, Estonian Wikiquote is the biggest with 13,600 articles. If you are interested in '''creating a new Wikiquote in your language''', see [[meta:Meta:Language proposal policy]] and then visit [[meta:Requests for new languages]]. You are also invited to ask for help in [[Wikiquote:Village pump]]. == Active Wikiquotes == Projects having 100 articles or more are considered to be active, see also [[m:Which projects are active?]]. === Wikiquotes in Latin script === {| style="width: 100%" | style="vertical-align: top; width: 33%" | *[[:af:|Afrikaans]] *[[:sq:|Albanian]] *[[:az:|Azerbaijani]] *[[:eu:|Basque]] *[[:bs:|Bosnian]] *[[:ca:|Catalan]] *[[:hr:|Croatian]] *[[:cs:|Czech]] *[[:da:|Danish]] *[[:nl:|Dutch]] *[[Main Page|English]] *[[:eo:|Esperanto]] *[[:et:|Estonian]] | style="vertical-align: top; width: 33%" | *[[:fi:|Finnish]] *[[:fr:|French]] *[[:gl:|Galician]] *[[:de:|German]] *[[:hu:|Hungarian]] *[[:is:|Icelandic]] *[[:id:|Indonesian]] *[[:it:|Italian]] *[[:ku:|Kurdish]] *[[:la:|Latin]] *[[:li:|Limburgian]] *[[:lt:|Lithuanian]] *[[:nn:|Norwegian (Nynorsk)]] | style="vertical-align: top; width: 33%" | *[[:no:|Norwegian (Bokmål)]] *[[:pl:|Polish]] *[[:pt:|Portuguese]] *[[:ro:|Romanian]] <!--*[[:simple:|Simple English]]—closed project--> *[[:sk:|Slovak]] *[[:sl:|Slovenian]] *[[:es:|Spanish]] *[[:su:|Sundanese]] *[[:sv:|Swedish]] *[[:tr:|Turkish]] *[[:uz:|Uzbek]] *[[:ky:|Kyrgyz]] *[[:ky:|قىرعىزچا]] *[[:vi:Trang Chính|Vietnamese]] *[[:cy:|Welsh]] |}Sesotho === Wikiquotes not in Latin script === {| style="width: 100%" | style="vertical-align: top; width: 33%" | *[[:ar:|Arabic (العربية)]] *[[:hy:|Armenian (Հայերեն)]] *[[:as:|Assamese (অসমীয়া)]] *[[:be:|Belarusian (Беларуская)]] *[[:bn:|Bengali (বাংলা)]] *[[:bg:|Bulgarian (Български)]] *[[:zh:|Chinese (中文)]] *[[:ka:|Georgian (ქართული)]] | style="vertical-align: top; width: 33%" | *[[:el:|Greek (Ελληνικά)]] *[[:he:|Hebrew (עברית)]] *[[:hi:|Hindi (हिन्दी)]] *[[:ja:|Japanese (日本語)]] *[[:kn:|Kannada (ಕನ್ನಡ)]] *[[:ko:|Korean (한국어)]] *[[:ml:|Malayalam (മലയാളം)]] *[[:fa:|Persian (فارسی)]] | style="vertical-align: top; width: 33%" | *[[:ru:|Russian (Русский)]] *[[:sa:|Sanskrit (संस्कृतम्)]] *[[:sr:|Serbian (Српски)]] *[[:ta:|Tamil (தமிழ்)]] *[[:te:|Telugu (తెలుగు)]] *[[:th:|Thai (ไทย)]] *[[:uk:|Ukrainian (Українська)]] *[[:ur:|Urdu (اردو)]] |} == See also == *[[m:Wikiquote]] statistics frequently updated <!-- interlang links --> [[Category:Wikiquote|{{PAGENAME}}]] ab5tad4a14e0fdx88bvashbhxqt9nof 4 93 3954157 3953851 2026-06-18T15:10:28Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 1 thread (older than 35 days) to [[Wikiquote:Village pump archive 64]] 3954157 wikitext text/x-wiki __NEWSECTIONLINK__ {{Wikiquote:Village pump/Header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Village pump archive %(counter)d |algo = old(35d) |counter = 64 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 4 |archiveheader = {{Village pump archives}} |minthreadstoarchive = 1 |key = 3009d0c464caec663eab7ed3f8987744 }} == Change the inactivity process? == I would like to propose changing the inactivity process to a process similar to AAR, in order (from top to bottom): * A user notifies the village pump (which often has more visibility than the RFA page, especially the right removal section), listing administrators that have been inactive for one year (with no edits and logged actions). * The inactive administrator is notified on their talk page. * The discussion lasts for one week to allow the inactive administrator to respond, whether to retain their rights or otherwise. * After one week has passed, the discussion is closed (or action taken if no one comments) and a request is filed at SRP to remove the inactive user's admin/bureaucrat/interface administrator rights. If this passes, we should include the process to [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]<!-- which I've marked as a proposal to become a policy. -->. On the other hand, the flag removal section on WQ:RFA should probably be used for removal discussions (non-inactivity). Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:08, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :Seems fine to me, but can you tell me what prompted this? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :: This was inspired from a Wikiversity inactivity process for curators, so that's why I decided to propose a process similar to AAR, but instead it’s done locally (instead of a steward), with the main difference being 1 year of inactivity and 1 week to allow the inactive admin to respond, rather than the standard 1 month response timeframe / 2 year inactivity timeframe from AAR. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:59, 27 April 2026 (UTC) : Considering the lack of objection, I boldly updated the inactivity process at [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:45, 15 May 2026 (UTC) == May 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|75px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of May. Both sessions will focus on the [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 the 2026-2027 Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''Saturday, 30 May 2026 at 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780153200 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''Sunday, 31 May 2026 at 05:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780203600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Café participants are highly encouraged to read in advance [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Sohom_Datta/annual_plan_guide at least this summary of the plan]. Optionally, Café participants are encouraged to read portions of the plan that interest them and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Talk:Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 ask questions or provide feedback on the Annual Plan talk page]. Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#May_2026_meetings_with_a_focus_on_Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 tables of timestamp conversions for both sessions], [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#Agenda._This_will_be_an_approximately_1_hour_Caf%C3%A9_session,_and_is_extendible_for_an_additional_30_minutes_if_needed. the agenda], and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 19:44, 21 May 2026 (UTC) == Vote now in the 2026 U4C election == <section begin="announcement-content" /> Eligible voters are asked to participate in the 2026 [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] election. More information–including an eligibility check, voting process information, candidate information, and a link to the vote–are available on Meta at the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Election/2026|2026 Election information page]]. The vote closes on 2 June 2026 at [https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780358400 00:00 UTC]. Please vote if your account is eligible. Results will be available by 14 June 2026. -- In cooperation with the U4C,<section end="announcement-content" /> [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 17:15, 27 May 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Keegan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=30513860 --> == Proposal to move ", Jr." titles to "Jr." titles == English Wikipedia long ago adopted the convention of eliminating the comma before Jr. (and Sr.); I propose that we follow suit, for consistency across the project. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:44, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :'''Weak oppose''' I'm a comma guy, but I can see the value in being consistent with en.wp. I certainly wouldn't try to fight it if this is consensus, but it's also not that big of a deal and ", Jr." is perfectly normal English. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:28, 29 May 2026 (UTC) ::I'm neutral. This is a little change. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 06:54, 29 May 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} for consistency with WP. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 07:11, 5 June 2026 (UTC) :Support for consistency with enwiki. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:17, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}}. I think our names should always match WP. Might as well iron out other differences like superfluous middle names which WP doesn't have if you are doing it, e.g. [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.]]. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 05:42, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Portals == I was doing a little maintenance and stumbled across [[:Category:Portal]] and [[Wikiquote:Portal]], which seems like maybe failed experiments. I'm inclined to delete them, but does the community find any value in 1.) keeping these and 2.) using the portal namespace? ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:26, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :0 value. They have no value even on the much better maintained and much more active enwiki ones (where they see no use). Here, a much less active project, their value is nonexistent. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:13, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Speedy deletion nominees are still up == * [[The Cricket in Times Square]] * [[The Thundermans/Season 2]] * [[Bing (Tv series)]] I nominated these articles for speedy deletion this past week yet they're still up. The first of these three doesn't have any quotes, while the other two are blatant test pages. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 14:41, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:49, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == June 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 10px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|60px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of June. Both sessions will focus on the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Editor_reflections English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project]. The featured guest in the Café will be [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Clovermoss User:Clovermoss]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''27 June 2026 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782572400 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''28 June 2026 03:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782615600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 04:08, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == Reformulating the bot policy == Currently, [[Wikiquote:Bots]] has a policy and bot request portion. However, I believe we should split this to two separate pages since we plan to expand the bot policy (including what a bot is, which request page a bot owner should have their bot approved, and global bots [since we now allow global bots; we should consider adopting parts of the [[m:Bot policy|standard bot policy]] on Meta]). To the above, I don't think we should allow automatic approval anymore since we have some active bureaucrats. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:36, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} Seems reasonable. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:38, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 01:14, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:53, 17 June 2026 (UTC) a6vaprv9oz92culhi4xbk3jarvw8a12 3954240 3954157 2026-06-18T18:04:02Z Koavf 6765 /* FYI: Quote Contest 2026: Record-Breaking Growth for Bengali Wikiquote */ new section 3954240 wikitext text/x-wiki __NEWSECTIONLINK__ {{Wikiquote:Village pump/Header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Village pump archive %(counter)d |algo = old(35d) |counter = 64 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 4 |archiveheader = {{Village pump archives}} |minthreadstoarchive = 1 |key = 3009d0c464caec663eab7ed3f8987744 }} == Change the inactivity process? == I would like to propose changing the inactivity process to a process similar to AAR, in order (from top to bottom): * A user notifies the village pump (which often has more visibility than the RFA page, especially the right removal section), listing administrators that have been inactive for one year (with no edits and logged actions). * The inactive administrator is notified on their talk page. * The discussion lasts for one week to allow the inactive administrator to respond, whether to retain their rights or otherwise. * After one week has passed, the discussion is closed (or action taken if no one comments) and a request is filed at SRP to remove the inactive user's admin/bureaucrat/interface administrator rights. If this passes, we should include the process to [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]<!-- which I've marked as a proposal to become a policy. -->. On the other hand, the flag removal section on WQ:RFA should probably be used for removal discussions (non-inactivity). Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:08, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :Seems fine to me, but can you tell me what prompted this? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :: This was inspired from a Wikiversity inactivity process for curators, so that's why I decided to propose a process similar to AAR, but instead it’s done locally (instead of a steward), with the main difference being 1 year of inactivity and 1 week to allow the inactive admin to respond, rather than the standard 1 month response timeframe / 2 year inactivity timeframe from AAR. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:59, 27 April 2026 (UTC) : Considering the lack of objection, I boldly updated the inactivity process at [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:45, 15 May 2026 (UTC) == May 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|75px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of May. Both sessions will focus on the [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 the 2026-2027 Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''Saturday, 30 May 2026 at 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780153200 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''Sunday, 31 May 2026 at 05:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780203600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Café participants are highly encouraged to read in advance [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Sohom_Datta/annual_plan_guide at least this summary of the plan]. Optionally, Café participants are encouraged to read portions of the plan that interest them and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Talk:Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 ask questions or provide feedback on the Annual Plan talk page]. Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#May_2026_meetings_with_a_focus_on_Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 tables of timestamp conversions for both sessions], [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#Agenda._This_will_be_an_approximately_1_hour_Caf%C3%A9_session,_and_is_extendible_for_an_additional_30_minutes_if_needed. the agenda], and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 19:44, 21 May 2026 (UTC) == Vote now in the 2026 U4C election == <section begin="announcement-content" /> Eligible voters are asked to participate in the 2026 [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] election. More information–including an eligibility check, voting process information, candidate information, and a link to the vote–are available on Meta at the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Election/2026|2026 Election information page]]. The vote closes on 2 June 2026 at [https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780358400 00:00 UTC]. Please vote if your account is eligible. Results will be available by 14 June 2026. -- In cooperation with the U4C,<section end="announcement-content" /> [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 17:15, 27 May 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Keegan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=30513860 --> == Proposal to move ", Jr." titles to "Jr." titles == English Wikipedia long ago adopted the convention of eliminating the comma before Jr. (and Sr.); I propose that we follow suit, for consistency across the project. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:44, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :'''Weak oppose''' I'm a comma guy, but I can see the value in being consistent with en.wp. I certainly wouldn't try to fight it if this is consensus, but it's also not that big of a deal and ", Jr." is perfectly normal English. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:28, 29 May 2026 (UTC) ::I'm neutral. This is a little change. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 06:54, 29 May 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} for consistency with WP. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 07:11, 5 June 2026 (UTC) :Support for consistency with enwiki. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:17, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}}. I think our names should always match WP. Might as well iron out other differences like superfluous middle names which WP doesn't have if you are doing it, e.g. [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.]]. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 05:42, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Portals == I was doing a little maintenance and stumbled across [[:Category:Portal]] and [[Wikiquote:Portal]], which seems like maybe failed experiments. I'm inclined to delete them, but does the community find any value in 1.) keeping these and 2.) using the portal namespace? ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:26, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :0 value. They have no value even on the much better maintained and much more active enwiki ones (where they see no use). Here, a much less active project, their value is nonexistent. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:13, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Speedy deletion nominees are still up == * [[The Cricket in Times Square]] * [[The Thundermans/Season 2]] * [[Bing (Tv series)]] I nominated these articles for speedy deletion this past week yet they're still up. The first of these three doesn't have any quotes, while the other two are blatant test pages. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 14:41, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:49, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == June 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 10px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|60px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of June. Both sessions will focus on the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Editor_reflections English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project]. The featured guest in the Café will be [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Clovermoss User:Clovermoss]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''27 June 2026 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782572400 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''28 June 2026 03:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782615600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 04:08, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == Reformulating the bot policy == Currently, [[Wikiquote:Bots]] has a policy and bot request portion. However, I believe we should split this to two separate pages since we plan to expand the bot policy (including what a bot is, which request page a bot owner should have their bot approved, and global bots [since we now allow global bots; we should consider adopting parts of the [[m:Bot policy|standard bot policy]] on Meta]). To the above, I don't think we should allow automatic approval anymore since we have some active bureaucrats. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:36, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} Seems reasonable. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:38, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 01:14, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:53, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == FYI: Quote Contest 2026: Record-Breaking Growth for Bengali Wikiquote == https://diff.wikimedia.org/2026/06/18/quote-contest-2026-record-breaking-growth-for-bengali-wikiquote/ Great job to our colleagues at bn.wq. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:04, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 3xzrowb17vcjcghymx0iul5r5yqf1qt 3954242 3954240 2026-06-18T18:32:21Z Codename Noreste 3154048 /* Reformulating the bot policy */ reply ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3954242 wikitext text/x-wiki __NEWSECTIONLINK__ {{Wikiquote:Village pump/Header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Village pump archive %(counter)d |algo = old(35d) |counter = 64 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 4 |archiveheader = {{Village pump archives}} |minthreadstoarchive = 1 |key = 3009d0c464caec663eab7ed3f8987744 }} == Change the inactivity process? == I would like to propose changing the inactivity process to a process similar to AAR, in order (from top to bottom): * A user notifies the village pump (which often has more visibility than the RFA page, especially the right removal section), listing administrators that have been inactive for one year (with no edits and logged actions). * The inactive administrator is notified on their talk page. * The discussion lasts for one week to allow the inactive administrator to respond, whether to retain their rights or otherwise. * After one week has passed, the discussion is closed (or action taken if no one comments) and a request is filed at SRP to remove the inactive user's admin/bureaucrat/interface administrator rights. If this passes, we should include the process to [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]<!-- which I've marked as a proposal to become a policy. -->. On the other hand, the flag removal section on WQ:RFA should probably be used for removal discussions (non-inactivity). Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:08, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :Seems fine to me, but can you tell me what prompted this? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :: This was inspired from a Wikiversity inactivity process for curators, so that's why I decided to propose a process similar to AAR, but instead it’s done locally (instead of a steward), with the main difference being 1 year of inactivity and 1 week to allow the inactive admin to respond, rather than the standard 1 month response timeframe / 2 year inactivity timeframe from AAR. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:59, 27 April 2026 (UTC) : Considering the lack of objection, I boldly updated the inactivity process at [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:45, 15 May 2026 (UTC) == May 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|75px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of May. Both sessions will focus on the [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 the 2026-2027 Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''Saturday, 30 May 2026 at 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780153200 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''Sunday, 31 May 2026 at 05:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780203600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Café participants are highly encouraged to read in advance [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Sohom_Datta/annual_plan_guide at least this summary of the plan]. Optionally, Café participants are encouraged to read portions of the plan that interest them and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Talk:Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 ask questions or provide feedback on the Annual Plan talk page]. Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#May_2026_meetings_with_a_focus_on_Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 tables of timestamp conversions for both sessions], [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#Agenda._This_will_be_an_approximately_1_hour_Caf%C3%A9_session,_and_is_extendible_for_an_additional_30_minutes_if_needed. the agenda], and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 19:44, 21 May 2026 (UTC) == Vote now in the 2026 U4C election == <section begin="announcement-content" /> Eligible voters are asked to participate in the 2026 [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] election. More information–including an eligibility check, voting process information, candidate information, and a link to the vote–are available on Meta at the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Election/2026|2026 Election information page]]. The vote closes on 2 June 2026 at [https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780358400 00:00 UTC]. Please vote if your account is eligible. Results will be available by 14 June 2026. -- In cooperation with the U4C,<section end="announcement-content" /> [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 17:15, 27 May 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Keegan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=30513860 --> == Proposal to move ", Jr." titles to "Jr." titles == English Wikipedia long ago adopted the convention of eliminating the comma before Jr. (and Sr.); I propose that we follow suit, for consistency across the project. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:44, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :'''Weak oppose''' I'm a comma guy, but I can see the value in being consistent with en.wp. I certainly wouldn't try to fight it if this is consensus, but it's also not that big of a deal and ", Jr." is perfectly normal English. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:28, 29 May 2026 (UTC) ::I'm neutral. This is a little change. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 06:54, 29 May 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} for consistency with WP. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 07:11, 5 June 2026 (UTC) :Support for consistency with enwiki. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:17, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}}. I think our names should always match WP. Might as well iron out other differences like superfluous middle names which WP doesn't have if you are doing it, e.g. [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.]]. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 05:42, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Portals == I was doing a little maintenance and stumbled across [[:Category:Portal]] and [[Wikiquote:Portal]], which seems like maybe failed experiments. I'm inclined to delete them, but does the community find any value in 1.) keeping these and 2.) using the portal namespace? ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:26, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :0 value. They have no value even on the much better maintained and much more active enwiki ones (where they see no use). Here, a much less active project, their value is nonexistent. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:13, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Speedy deletion nominees are still up == * [[The Cricket in Times Square]] * [[The Thundermans/Season 2]] * [[Bing (Tv series)]] I nominated these articles for speedy deletion this past week yet they're still up. The first of these three doesn't have any quotes, while the other two are blatant test pages. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 14:41, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:49, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == June 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 10px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|60px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of June. Both sessions will focus on the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Editor_reflections English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project]. The featured guest in the Café will be [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Clovermoss User:Clovermoss]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''27 June 2026 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782572400 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''28 June 2026 03:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782615600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 04:08, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == Reformulating the bot policy == Currently, [[Wikiquote:Bots]] has a policy and bot request portion. However, I believe we should split this to two separate pages since we plan to expand the bot policy (including what a bot is, which request page a bot owner should have their bot approved, and global bots [since we now allow global bots; we should consider adopting parts of the [[m:Bot policy|standard bot policy]] on Meta]). To the above, I don't think we should allow automatic approval anymore since we have some active bureaucrats. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:36, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} Seems reasonable. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:38, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 01:14, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:53, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : I created [[Wikiquote:Bots/Proposal]] as a rough draft. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == FYI: Quote Contest 2026: Record-Breaking Growth for Bengali Wikiquote == https://diff.wikimedia.org/2026/06/18/quote-contest-2026-record-breaking-growth-for-bengali-wikiquote/ Great job to our colleagues at bn.wq. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:04, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 1840r24a1lvns3cm563low53nyqcjl3 3954368 3954242 2026-06-19T09:13:14Z Apisite 3043558 /* One Quotation found at Windows on Eurasia */ new section 3954368 wikitext text/x-wiki __NEWSECTIONLINK__ {{Wikiquote:Village pump/Header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Village pump archive %(counter)d |algo = old(35d) |counter = 64 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 4 |archiveheader = {{Village pump archives}} |minthreadstoarchive = 1 |key = 3009d0c464caec663eab7ed3f8987744 }} == Change the inactivity process? == I would like to propose changing the inactivity process to a process similar to AAR, in order (from top to bottom): * A user notifies the village pump (which often has more visibility than the RFA page, especially the right removal section), listing administrators that have been inactive for one year (with no edits and logged actions). * The inactive administrator is notified on their talk page. * The discussion lasts for one week to allow the inactive administrator to respond, whether to retain their rights or otherwise. * After one week has passed, the discussion is closed (or action taken if no one comments) and a request is filed at SRP to remove the inactive user's admin/bureaucrat/interface administrator rights. If this passes, we should include the process to [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]<!-- which I've marked as a proposal to become a policy. -->. On the other hand, the flag removal section on WQ:RFA should probably be used for removal discussions (non-inactivity). Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:08, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :Seems fine to me, but can you tell me what prompted this? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:43, 27 April 2026 (UTC) :: This was inspired from a Wikiversity inactivity process for curators, so that's why I decided to propose a process similar to AAR, but instead it’s done locally (instead of a steward), with the main difference being 1 year of inactivity and 1 week to allow the inactive admin to respond, rather than the standard 1 month response timeframe / 2 year inactivity timeframe from AAR. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:59, 27 April 2026 (UTC) : Considering the lack of objection, I boldly updated the inactivity process at [[Wikiquote:Administrators]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:45, 15 May 2026 (UTC) == May 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 15px; padding-right: 15px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|75px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of May. Both sessions will focus on the [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 the 2026-2027 Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''Saturday, 30 May 2026 at 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780153200 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''Sunday, 31 May 2026 at 05:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780203600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Café participants are highly encouraged to read in advance [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Sohom_Datta/annual_plan_guide at least this summary of the plan]. Optionally, Café participants are encouraged to read portions of the plan that interest them and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Talk:Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 ask questions or provide feedback on the Annual Plan talk page]. Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#May_2026_meetings_with_a_focus_on_Wikimedia_Foundation_Annual_Plan/2026-2027 tables of timestamp conversions for both sessions], [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#Agenda._This_will_be_an_approximately_1_hour_Caf%C3%A9_session,_and_is_extendible_for_an_additional_30_minutes_if_needed. the agenda], and [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 19:44, 21 May 2026 (UTC) == Vote now in the 2026 U4C election == <section begin="announcement-content" /> Eligible voters are asked to participate in the 2026 [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] election. More information–including an eligibility check, voting process information, candidate information, and a link to the vote–are available on Meta at the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal_Code_of_Conduct/Coordinating_Committee/Election/2026|2026 Election information page]]. The vote closes on 2 June 2026 at [https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1780358400 00:00 UTC]. Please vote if your account is eligible. Results will be available by 14 June 2026. -- In cooperation with the U4C,<section end="announcement-content" /> [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]]) 17:15, 27 May 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Keegan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=30513860 --> == Proposal to move ", Jr." titles to "Jr." titles == English Wikipedia long ago adopted the convention of eliminating the comma before Jr. (and Sr.); I propose that we follow suit, for consistency across the project. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:44, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :'''Weak oppose''' I'm a comma guy, but I can see the value in being consistent with en.wp. I certainly wouldn't try to fight it if this is consensus, but it's also not that big of a deal and ", Jr." is perfectly normal English. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:28, 29 May 2026 (UTC) ::I'm neutral. This is a little change. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 06:54, 29 May 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} for consistency with WP. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 07:11, 5 June 2026 (UTC) :Support for consistency with enwiki. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:17, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}}. I think our names should always match WP. Might as well iron out other differences like superfluous middle names which WP doesn't have if you are doing it, e.g. [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.]]. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 05:42, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Portals == I was doing a little maintenance and stumbled across [[:Category:Portal]] and [[Wikiquote:Portal]], which seems like maybe failed experiments. I'm inclined to delete them, but does the community find any value in 1.) keeping these and 2.) using the portal namespace? ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:26, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :0 value. They have no value even on the much better maintained and much more active enwiki ones (where they see no use). Here, a much less active project, their value is nonexistent. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 00:13, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == Speedy deletion nominees are still up == * [[The Cricket in Times Square]] * [[The Thundermans/Season 2]] * [[Bing (Tv series)]] I nominated these articles for speedy deletion this past week yet they're still up. The first of these three doesn't have any quotes, while the other two are blatant test pages. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 14:41, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:49, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == June 2026 Wikimedia Café meetups regarding the English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project == <div class="border-box" style="background-color: var(--background-color-warning-subtle, #f8eaba); max-width: 875px; padding: 5px; border: 1px solid black; margin: 5px; color: var(--clr-dark)"> <div class="box" style="float:left; padding-top: 10px; padding-right: 10px; padding-left: 10px; padding-bottom: 10px;">[[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|60px|alt=The logo for the Wikimedia Café]]</div> Hello! There will be two '''[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9 Wikimedia Café]''' discussion opportunities during the last weekend of June. Both sessions will focus on the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Editor_reflections English Wikipedia Editor Reflections project]. The featured guest in the Café will be [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/User:Clovermoss User:Clovermoss]. Participants may attend either or both sessions. #'''27 June 2026 15:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782572400 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to the Americas, Africa, and Europe #'''28 June 2026 03:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1782615600 timestamp converter]), at a time friendly to Asia and the Pacific Please see the Café page for more information, including [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Wikimedia_Caf%C3%A9#How_to_attend_the_session how to register]! <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]]</div> <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<font color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</font>]]</span> 04:08, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == Reformulating the bot policy == Currently, [[Wikiquote:Bots]] has a policy and bot request portion. However, I believe we should split this to two separate pages since we plan to expand the bot policy (including what a bot is, which request page a bot owner should have their bot approved, and global bots [since we now allow global bots; we should consider adopting parts of the [[m:Bot policy|standard bot policy]] on Meta]). To the above, I don't think we should allow automatic approval anymore since we have some active bureaucrats. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:36, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} Seems reasonable. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:38, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 01:14, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:53, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : I created [[Wikiquote:Bots/Proposal]] as a rough draft. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == FYI: Quote Contest 2026: Record-Breaking Growth for Bengali Wikiquote == https://diff.wikimedia.org/2026/06/18/quote-contest-2026-record-breaking-growth-for-bengali-wikiquote/ Great job to our colleagues at bn.wq. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:04, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == One Quotation found at Windows on Eurasia == Here's one quotation found at [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2026/06/putin-signs-measure-eliminating.html one online article] at ''Window on Eurasia'': “Political systems and people come and go, but the old city is eternal.” What theme is most appropriate for that quotation? -- [[User:Apisite|Apisite]] ([[User talk:Apisite|talk]]) 09:13, 19 June 2026 (UTC) k4e8ygwvx1gukjz1w52urztmzqfz666 0 881 3954184 3952947 2026-06-18T17:00:23Z Azn1771153 3300815 /* Dialogue */ 3954184 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Godfather puppetmaster.svg|thumb|I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.]] [[File:Campbell Thompson.jpg|thumb|Where does it say that you can't kill a cop? … I'm talking about a cop that's mixed up in drugs. I'm talking about a dishonest cop, a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming.… It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business.]] [[File:Cannoli siciliani on a plate.jpg|thumb|Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.]] [[File:Oweston sting fish for sale at Tsukiji Fishmarket, Tokyo-30.jpg|thumb|It's a Sicilian message.]] '''''[[w:The Godfather|The Godfather]]''''' is a [[w:1972 films|1972 film]] about a [[w:Mafia|Mafia]] crime family and the outbreak of a New York City gang war in the late 1940s. : ''Directed by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]]. Written by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] and [[w:Mario Puzo|Mario Puzo]], based on [[w:The Godfather (novel)|Puzo's novel]].'' {{center|'''An offer you can't refuse.'''}} == Vito Corleone == [[File:Den Haag Louwman Museum 094.jpg|thumb|Look how they massacred my boy!]] [[File:Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone.png|thumb|I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless, but not men.]] * ''[to Bonasera]'' I want you to use all your powers, and all your skills. I don't want his mother to see him this way. ''[looks in anguish at Sonny's bullet-ridden body]'' Look how they massacred my boy! * I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless, but not men. == Peter Clemenza == *''[to Rocco Lampone, after Rocco kills Paulie Gatto]'' Leave the gun. Take the Cannoli. == Dialogue == [[File:Flag of the United States (1912-1959).svg|thumb|I believe in America.]] [[File:The Godfather.png|thumb|A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.]] [[File:Criterion Theatre 02.jpg|thumb|I have a sentimental weakness for my children, and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen.]] [[File:Savoca St Nicolo.jpg|thumb|In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns.]] [[File:TAG Godfather Wedding.jpg|thumb|You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you or my boy to me? I forgo the vengeance on my son.]] :''[First lines]'' :'''Bonasera''': I believe in America. America has made my fortune, and I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend, not an Italian. She went to the movies with him. She stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boy friend. They made her drink whiskey and then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor, so they beat her like an animal. When I went to the hospital her nose was broken. Her jaw was shattered, held together by wire. She couldn't even weep because of the pain, but I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life. A beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. ''[sobs]'' Sorry. I went to the police, like a good American. These two boys were brought to trial. The judge sentenced them to three years in prison and suspended sentence. Suspended sentence! They went free that very day! I stood in the courtroom like a fool, and those two bastards, they smiled at me. Then I said to my wife, "For justice, we must go to Don Corleone." :'''Vito''': Why did you go to the police? Why didn't you come to me first? :'''Bonasera''': What do you want of me? Tell me anything, but do what I beg you to do. :'''Vito''': What is that? :'''Bonasera''': ''[whispering in Vito's ear]'' I want them dead. :'''Vito''': That I can't do. :'''Bonasera''': I will give you anything you ask. :'''Vito''': We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship and, uh, you were afraid to be in my debt. :'''Bonasera''': I didn't want to get into trouble. :'''Vito''': I understand. You found paradise in America, you had a good trade, you made a good living, the police protected you, and there were courts of law. You didn't need a friend like me. But, now you come to me, and you say: "Don Corleone, give me justice." But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me to do murder for money. :'''Bonasera''': I ask for justice. :'''Vito''': That is not justice. Your daughter is still alive. :'''Bonasera''': Let them suffer then, as she suffers. How much shall I pay you? :'''Vito''': Bonasera, Bonasera. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then that scum that ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you. :'''Bonasera''': Be my friend, Godfather. ''[kisses Vito's hand]'' :'''Vito''': Good. Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day. :'''Bonasera''': ''Grazie'', Godfather. :'''Vito''': ''Prego. [Bonasera leaves; to Tom]'' Give this to, uh, Clemenza. I want reliable people, people who aren't going to be carried away. After all, we're not murderers, in spite of what this... undertaker thinks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Well, when Johnny was first starting out, he was signed to this personal service contract with a big band leader. And as his career got better and better, he wanted to get out of it. Now, Johnny is my father's godson. And my father went to see this band leader, and he offered him $10,000 to let Johnny go. But the band leader said no. So the next day, my father went to see him, only this time with Luca Brasi. And within an hour, he signed a release, for a certified check for $1,000. :'''Kay''': How'd he do that? :'''Michael''': My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse. :'''Kay''': What was that? :'''Michael''': Luca Brasi held a gun to his head, and my father assured him that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. That's a true story. That's my family, Kay. It's not me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': A month ago, he bought the movie rights to this book, a best-seller, and the main character, it's a guy just like me. I, uh, I wouldn't even have to act, just be myself. ''[choking up]'' Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. :'''Vito''': ''[shaking Johnny]'' You can act like a man! ''[slaps Johnny]'' What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out, a Hollywood ''finocchio'' that cries like a woman? "Eheheh! What can I do? What can I do?" What is that nonsense? Ridiculous. You spend time with your family? :'''Johnny''': Sure I do. :'''Vito''': Good, because a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. Come here. You look terrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest a while, and in a month from now, this Hollywood bigshot's gonna give you what you want. :'''Johnny''': It's too late, they start shooting in a week. :'''Vito''': '''I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.''' Now, you just go outside and enjoy yourself, and, uh, forget about all this nonsense. I want you, I want you to leave it all to me. :* The line in bold is ranked #2 in [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vito''': ''[to Sollozzo]'' I must say no to you, and I'll give you my reasons. It's true, I have a lot of friends in politics, but they wouldn't be friendly very long if they knew my business was drugs instead of gambling, which they regard as a &ndash; a harmless vice. But drugs is a dirty business. It makes, it doesn't make any difference to me what a man does for a living, understand. But your business is, uh, a little dangerous. :'''Sollozzo''': If you're worried about security for your million, the Tattaglias will guarantee it. :'''Sonny''': Oh, you're telling me that the Tattaglias guarantee our investment? :'''Vito''': Wait a minute. I have a sentimental weakness for my children, and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen. But anyway, ''Signor'' Sollozzo, my "no" is final and I wish to congratulate you on your new business. I know you'll do very well, and good luck to you, especially since your interests don't conflict with mine. Thank you. ''[Sollozzo leaves]'' Santino, come here. What's the matter with you? I think your brain's going soft from all that comedy you're playing with that young girl. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sollozzo''': Your boss is dead. I know you're not in the muscle-end of the family, Tom, so I don't want you to be scared. I want you to help the Corleones, and I want you to help me. ''[hands Tom a drink.]'' Yeah, we got him outside his office just about an hour after we picked you up. Drink it. So now it's up to you to make the peace between me and Sonny. Sonny was hot for my idea, wasn't he? And you knew it was the right thing to do. :'''Tom''': Sonny'll come after you with everything he's got. :'''Sollozzo''': That'll be his first reaction, sure. That's why you gotta talk some sense into him. The Tattaglia family is behind me with all their people. The other New York families will go along with anything that will prevent a full-scale war. Let's face it, Tom, and all due respect, the Don, rest in peace, was slipping. Ten years ago, could I have gotten to him? Well, now, he's dead. He's dead, Tom, and nothing can bring him back, so you gotta talk to Sonny. You gotta talk to the ''caporegimes'', that Tessio and that fat Clemenza. It's good business, Tom. :'''Tom''': I'll try, but even Sonny won't be able to call off Luca Brasi. :'''Sollozzo''': Yeah, well, let me worry about Luca. You just talk to Sonny and the other two kids. :'''Tom''': I'll do my best. :'''Sollozzo''': Good. Now, you can go. I don't like violence, Tom. I'm a business man. Blood is a big expense. ''[receives news from an arriving car]'' He's still alive. They hit him with five shots, and he's still alive! Well, that's bad luck for me, and bad luck for you if you don't make that deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sonny opens a package to find two fish wrapped in Luca's bulletproof vest]'' :'''Sonny''': What the hell is this? :'''Tessio''': '''It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.''' :* Note: The line in bold was nominated for the [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police cars pull up outside the hospital where Michael is standing; he is grabbed by an officer and searched]'' :'''Officer Phil''': Now hold still. :'''McCluskey''': I thought I got all you guinea hoods locked up! What the hell are you doing here? :'''Michael''': What happened to the men who were guarding my father, Captain? :'''McCluskey''': Why, you little punk! What the hell are you doing, telling me my business? I pulled them guys off of here! Now you get outta here, and stay away from this hospital! :'''Michael''': I'm not moving until you put some guards around my father's room. :'''McCluskey''': Phil, take him in! :'''Officer Phil''': The kid's clean, Captain! He's a war hero! He's never been busted for the rackets- :'''McCluskey''': Goddamn it, I said take him in! :'''Michael''': What's the Turk paying you to set up my father, Captain? :'''McCluskey''': Take a hold of him! Stand him up! Stand him up straight! ''[punches Michael]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom''': This is business, not personal! :'''Sonny''': They shot my father. It's business, your ass! :'''Tom''': Even shooting your father was business, not personal, Sonny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': They wanna have a meeting with me, right? It will be me, McCluskey and Sollozzo. Let's set the meeting. Get our informers to find out where it's gonna be held. Now, we insist it's a public place: a bar, a restaurant, some place where there's people so I feel safe. They're gonna search me when I first meet them, right? So I can't have a weapon on me then. But if Clemenza can figure a way, to have a weapon planted there for me, then I'll kill 'em both. :'''Sonny''': ''[laughing, along with the others]'' Hey, what are ya gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the family business huh? Now you wanna gun down a police captain. Why? Because he slapped you in the face a little bit? Hah? What do you think this is, the Army where you shoot 'em a mile away? You've gotta get up close like this and bada-bing! You blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. ''[kisses Michael's head]'' You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personally. :'''Michael''': Where does it say that you can't kill a cop? :'''Tom''': Come on, Mikey. :'''Michael''': Tom, wait a minute. I'm talking about a cop that's mixed up in drugs. I'm talking about a dishonest cop, a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming. That's a terrific story, and we have newspaper people on the payroll. Don't we, Tom? ''[Tom nods]'' They might like a story like that. :'''Tom''': They might. They just might. :'''Michael''': It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Committing to kill Captain McCluskey and Sollozzo, Michael seeks help from Peter Clemenza]'' :'''Clemenza''': ''[shows Michael a revolver]'' This is as cold as they come, impossible to trace, so you don't worry about prints, Mike. I put a special tape on the trigger and the butt. Here, try it. ''[Michael takes the revolver]'' What'sa matter? The trigger too tight? :'''Michael''': No. ''[fires]'' Ah, my ears. :'''Clemenza''': Yeah, I left it noisy. That way, it scares any pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders away. All right, you shot 'em both. Now what do you do? :'''Michael''': Sit down, finish my dinner. :'''Clemenza''': Come on, kid. Don't fool around. Just let your hand drop to your side, and let the gun slip out. Everybody'll still think you got it. They're gonna be staring at your face, Mike, so walk out of the place real fast, but don't run. Don't look nobody directly in the eye, but you don't look away either. Eh, they're gonna be scared stiff of you, believe me, so don't worry about nothing. You know, you gonna turn out all right. You take a long vacation, nobody knows where, and we gonna catch the hell. :'''Michael''': How bad do you think it's gonna be? :'''Clemenza''': Pretty god-damn bad. Probably, all the other families will line up against us. That's all right. These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years. Helps to get rid of the bad blood. Been ten years since the last one. You know, you gotta stop 'em at the beginning, like they shoulda stopped Hitler at Munich. They should never have let him get away with that. They was just asking for big trouble. You know, Mike, we was all proud of you, being a hero and all. Your father, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian, upon seeing Apollonia]'' Mamma mia, what a beauty. :''[Apollonia says something in Sicilian and is startled to see the three men watching her. She and Michael exchange looks]'' :'''Fabrizio''': ''[to Michael, in Sicilian]'' I think you got hit by the thunderbolt. :'''Calo''': ''[in Sicilian]'' In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael, Fabrizio, and Calo visit the Bar Vitelli]'' :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Did you have a good hunt? :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' You know all the girls around here? We saw some real beauties. One of them struck our friend like a thunderbolt. She would tempt the devil himself. Really put together. Such hair, such mouth! :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' The girls around here are beautiful but virtuous. :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' This one had a purple dress and a purple ribbon in her hair. A type more Greek than Italian. Do you know her? :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' No! There's no girl like that in his town! ''[storms back into the cafe]'' :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' My God, I understand! ''[gets up to look at the cafe]'' :'''Michael''': ''[to Calo, in Sicilian]'' What's wrong? :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Let's go. It's his daughter. :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Tell him to come here. :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian, points thumb inside]'' You don't understand. It's his daughter! :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian] Call him. [Fabrizio heads inside to usher Mr Vitelli out, flanked by his sons]'' Fabrizio, translate for me. ''[to Mr Vitelli in English, with Fabrizio translating]'' I apologize if I offended you. I'm a stranger in this country and I meant no disrespect, to you or your daughter. :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian, to Fabrizio]'' Who is this? He sounds American. :'''Michael''': I'm an American hiding in Sicily. My name is Michael Corleone. There are people who'd pay a lot of money for that information, but then your daughter would lose a father...instead of gaining a husband. I want to meet your daughter with your permission and under the supervision of your family with all respect. :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Come to my house Sunday morning. My name is Vitelli. :'''Michael''' ''[stands up, in Sicilian]'' thank you and what is your daughter's name? :'''Vitelli''': Apollonia. :'''Michael''': ''Bene.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vito''': ''[sees Tom Hagen with a drink]'' Give me a drop. ''[drinks]'' My wife is crying upstairs. I hear cars coming to the house. Consigliere of mine... ''[puts down the drink]'' I think you should tell your Don what everyone seems to know. :'''Tom''': I didn't tell Mama anything. I was about to come up and wake you and tell you. :'''Vito''': But you needed a drink first. :'''Tom''': Yeah. ''[puts down his drink]'' :'''Vito''': Well, now that you've had your drink... :'''Tom''': ...They shot Sonny on the causeway... He's dead. :'''Vito''': ''[sighs with a quiet sob before composing himself]'' I want... no inquiries made. I want no acts of vengeance. I want you to arrange a meeting with the heads of the Five Families. This war stops now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the wake of Sonny's assassination, Don Vito talks to the heads of the Five Families]'' :'''Vito''': How did things ever get so far? I don't know. It was so unfortunate, so unnecessary. Tattaglia lost a son and I lost a son. We're quits, and if Tattaglia agrees, then I'm willing to let things go on the way they were before. :'''Barzini''': We're all grateful to Don Corleone for calling this meeting. We all know him as a man of his word. A modest man who will always listen to reason. :'''Tattaglia''': Yes, Barzini, he is too modest. He had all the judges and politicians in his pocket, and refused to share them. :'''Vito''': When? When did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse, except one time? And why? Because I believe this drug business is gonna destroy us in the years to come. I mean, it's not like gambling or liquor, even women, which is something that most people want nowadays and it's forbidden to them by the ''pezzonovantes'' in the church. Even the police departments have helped us in the past with gambling and other things. They're gonna refuse to help us when it comes to narcotics. And I believed that then, and I believe that now. :'''Barzini''': Times have changed. It's not like the old days when we could do anything we want. A refusal is not the act of a friend. Don Corleone had all the judges and the politicians in New York, and he must share them. He must let us draw the water from the well. Certainly, he can present a bill for such services. After all, we are not [[Communism|Communists]]! ''[Everyone laughs]'' :'''Zaluchi''': ''[stands up]'' I ''also'' don't believe in drugs. For years I paid my people extra so they wouldn't do that kind of business. Somebody comes to them and says, "I have powders. If you put up three, four thousand dollar investment, we can make fifty thousand distributing." So they can't resist. I want to control it as a business, to keep it respectable. ''[pounds on the table]'' I don't want it near schools! I don't want it sold to children! That's an ''infamia''! In my city, we would keep the traffic in the [[Black people|dark people]], the coloreds. They're animals anyway, so let them lose their souls. ''[sits back down]'' :'''Vito''': I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man, I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. :'''Barzini''': Then we are agreed. The traffic in drugs will be permitted, but controlled, and Don Corleone will give us protection in the east, and there will be the peace. :'''Tattaglia''': ''[to Barzini]'' But I must have strict assurance from Corleone. As time goes by and his position becomes stronger, will he attempt any individual vendetta? :'''Barzini''': Look, we are all reasonable men here. We don't have to give assurances as if we were lawyers. :'''Vito''': ''[to Tattaglia]'' You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you... or my boy to me? I forgo the vengeance on my son. ''[to everyone]'' But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country because of all this Sollozzo business. ''[stands up]'' All right. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. ''[sternly]'' But I'm a superstitious man, and if some unlucky accident should befall him... if he should get shot in the head by a police officer, or if he should hang himself in his jail cell, or if he's struck by a bolt of lightning... then I'm going to ''blame'' some of the people in this room. And that I do not forgive. But that aside, let me say that I swear... ''[with his hand to his chest]'' on the souls of my grandchildren, that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Don Vito and Tom travel home from the Five Families meeting]'' :'''Tom''': When I meet with the Tattaglia people, should I insist that all his drug middlemen have clean records? :'''Vito''': Mention it. Don't insist. Barzini is a man who'll know that without being told. :'''Tom''': You mean Tattaglia? :'''Vito''': Tattaglia's a ''pimp''. He never could've outfought Santino, but I didn't know until this day that it was... Barzini all along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': I'm working for my father now. He's been sick, very sick. :'''Kay''': But you're not like him, Michael. I thought you weren't going to become a man like your father. That's what you told me. :'''Michael''': My father's no different than any other powerful man; any man who's responsible for other people, like a senator or a president. :'''Kay''': ''[laughs]'' You know how naïve you sound? :'''Michael''': Why? :'''Kay''': Senators and presidents don't have men killed. :'''Michael''': Oh. Who's being naïve, Kay? Kay, my father's way of doing things is over, it's finished. Even he knows that. I mean, in five years, the Corleone family is going to be completely legitimate. Trust me. That's all I can tell you about my business. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During casino buyout discussions with Moe Greene]'' :'''Moe''': What do you think is going on here? You think you can come here to my hotel and take over? I talked to Barzini. I can make a deal with him and still keep my hotel. :'''Michael''': Is that why you slapped my brother around in public? :'''Fredo''': Ah, now that was was nothing, Mike! Now, now Moe didn't mean nothing by that. Sure, he flies off the handle once in a while but Moe and me are good friends. Right, Moe? :'''Moe''': I got a business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, Freddy and I, so I had to straighten him out. :'''Michael''': You straightened my brother out? :'''Moe''': He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time! Players couldn't get a drink at the table! What's the matter with you? :'''Michael''': I leave for New York tomorrow. Think about a price. :'''Moe''': Do you know who I am? I'm Moe Greene! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders! :'''Fredo''': Wait a minute, Moe. Moe, I got an idea. Tom, you're the ''consiglieri'' and you can talk to the Don. You can explain— :'''Tom''': Now hold it right there. The Don is semi-retired and Mike is in charge of the family business now. If you have anything to say, say it to Michael. :''[Moe Greene leaves]'' :'''Fredo''': Mike! You don't come to Las Vegas and talk to a man like Moe Greene like that! :'''Michael''': Fredo, you're my older brother and I love you, but don't ever take sides with anyone against the family again, ever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vito''': I knew that Santino was gonna have to go through all this, and Fredo, well, Fredo was...but I never - I never wanted this for you. I worked my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family. And I refused to be a fool dancing on a string held by all of those big shots. I don't apologize. That's my life, but I thought that when it was your time, that you would be the one to hold the strings. Senator Corleone. Governor Corleone. Something. :'''Michael''': Another ''pezzonovante''. :'''Vito''': Well, there wasn't enough time, Michael. Wasn't enough time. :'''Michael''': We'll get there, Pop. We'll get there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sal and Tom prepare to go to the meeting with Barzini]'' :'''Tessio''': I hope Mike can get us a good deal. :'''Tom''': I'm sure he will. :'''Cicci''': ''[intercepts the two]'' Sal, Tom? Boss says he'll come in a separate car. He says for you two to go on ahead. :'''Tessio''': Hell, he can't do that. It screws up all my arrangements! :'''Cicci''': Well, that's what he said. :'''Tom''': I can't go either, Sal. :''[Several button men close in around Tessio]'' :'''Tessio''': Tell Mike it was only business. I always liked him. :'''Tom''': He understands that. :'''Cicci''': 'Scuse me, Sal. ''[disarms Tessio]'' :'''Tessio''': Tom, can you get me off the hook, for old time's sake? :'''Tom''': Can't do it, Sally. ''[signals Cicci to take Tessio away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Carlo dials the phone, Michael Corleone enters the room with Tom Hagen, Al Neri and Rocco Lampone. Carlo turns and looks at Michael's new inner circle]'' :'''Michael''': You have to answer for Santino, Carlo. :'''Carlo''': Mike, you've got it all wrong! :'''Michael''': You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people. Ah, that little farce you played with my sister. Did you think that would fool a Corleone? :'''Carlo''': Mike, I'm innocent. I swear on my kids. Please don't do this to me, Mike. :'''Michael''': Sit down. :'''Carlo''': Please don't do this. Please. :'''Michael''': Barzini's dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia, Moe Greene, Stracci, Cuneo. Today, I settle all family business, so don't tell me you're innocent, Carlo. Admit what you did. ''[Carlo breaks down]'' Get him a drink. Come on. Don't be afraid, Carlo. Come on. You think I'd make my sister a widow? I'm Godfather to your son, Carlo. ''[Gives Carlo a drink]'' Go ahead, drink. Drink. No, Carlo, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. We're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Vegas. Tom? ''[Tom produces a plane ticket]'' I want you to stay there, understand? Only, don't tell me you're innocent, because it insults my intelligence. It makes me very angry. Now who approached you: Tattaglia or Barzini? :'''Carlo''': It was Barzini. :'''Michael''': Good. There's a car waiting for you outside, it'll take you to the airport. I'll call your wife and tell her what flight you're on. :'''Carlo''': Mike, it was- :'''Michael''': Get out of my sight. :''[Carlo gets in the car and notices Clemenza sitting behind him]'' :'''Clemenza''': Hello, Carlo. ''[strangles Carlo to death]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Connie has just accused Michael of having Carlo killed]'' :'''Michael''': ''[chuckles to himself]'' She's hysterical. Hysterical. :'''Kay''': Michael, is it true? :'''Michael''': Don't ask me about my business, Kay. :'''Kay''': Is it true? :'''Michael''': Don't ask me about my business. :'''Kay''': No! :'''Michael''': ''[slams on the table]'' ENOUGH! All right, this one time. This one time, I'll let you ask me about my affairs. :'''Kay''': Is it true? Is it? :'''Michael''': No. :'''Kay''': I guess we both need a drink, huh? Come on. ''[goes to the other room to get a drink as mafiosi approach]'' :'''Clemenza''': ''[kissing Michael's hand]'' Don Corleone. :''[One of the men walks up, and slowly closes the door on Kay]'' == Cast == * [[Marlon Brando]] &ndash; Don [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]] * [[Al Pacino]] &ndash; [[w:Michael Corleone|Michael Corleone]] * [[w:James Caan|James Caan]] &ndash; [[w:Sonny Corleone|Santino "Sonny" Corleone]] * [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] &ndash; [[w:Tom Hagen|Tom Hagen]] * [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] &ndash; [[w:Kay Adams-Corleone|Kay Adams]] * [[w:Abe Vigoda|Abe Vigoda]] &ndash; [[w:Salvatore Tessio|Sal Tessio]] * [[Sterling Hayden]] &ndash; Captain McCluskey * [[w:Talia Shire|Talia Shire]] &ndash; [[w:Connie Corleone|Connie Corleone Rizzi]] * [[w:Gianni Russo|Gianni Russo]] &ndash; [[w:Carlo Rizzi (The Godfather)|Carlo Rizzi]] * [[w:John Cazale|John Cazale]] &ndash; [[w:Fredo Corleone|Fredo Corleone]] * [[w:Richard Castellano|Richard Castellano]] &ndash; [[w:Peter Clemenza|Pete Clemenza]] * [[w:John Marley|John Marley]] &ndash; [[w:Jack Woltz|Jack Woltz]] * [[w:Al Lettieri|Al Lettieri]] &ndash; [[w:Virgil Solozzo|Virgil "the Turk" Solozzo]] * [[w:Alex Rocco|Alex Rocco]] &ndash; [[w:Moe Greene|Moe Greene]] * [[w:Richard Conte|Richard Conte]] &ndash; Don [[w:Emilio Barzini|Emilio Barzini]] * [[w:Louis Guss|Louis Guss]] &ndash; Don [[w:Joe Zaluchi|Joe Zaluchi]] * [[w:Al Martino|Al Martino]] &ndash; [[w:Johnny Fontane|Johnny Fontane]] * [[w:Lenny Montana|Lenny Montana]] &ndash; [[w:Luca Brasi|Luca Brasi]] * Victor Rendina &ndash; [[w:Philip Tattaglia|Philip Tattaglia]] ==Quotes about The Godfather== * One of my favorite books—and I emphasize the word book here because I'm not talking about the movie—is The Godfather, because that book took me to another world—not necessarily a real world, but it did make good guys of some rather unpleasant people. It did take me to another world. ** 1996 interview in ''Conversations with [[Octavia Butler]]'' == See also == * ''[[The Godfather: Part II]]'' * ''[[The Godfather: Part III]]'' == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|id=0068646|title=The Godfather}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=godfather|title=The Godfather}} * ''[http://www.filmsite.org/godf.html The Godfather]'' on [[w:Filmsite.org|Filmsite.org]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Godfather, The}} [[Category:1972 films]] [[Category:Crime drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Mafia films]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films whose writers won Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award]] [[Category:Films set in Queens, New York]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films set in the Bronx]] [[Category:Films directed by Francis Ford Coppola]] [[Category:Films about families]] [[Category:Films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Films about brothers]] [[Category:Films set in the 1940s]] [[Category:Films set in the 1950s]] [[Category:1970s English-language films]] d8u8fdogkh7zv7f19jwl4l79gvadhd2 3954191 3954184 2026-06-18T17:09:47Z Azn1771153 3300815 /* Dialogue */ 3954191 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Godfather puppetmaster.svg|thumb|I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.]] [[File:Campbell Thompson.jpg|thumb|Where does it say that you can't kill a cop? … I'm talking about a cop that's mixed up in drugs. I'm talking about a dishonest cop, a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming.… It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business.]] [[File:Cannoli siciliani on a plate.jpg|thumb|Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.]] [[File:Oweston sting fish for sale at Tsukiji Fishmarket, Tokyo-30.jpg|thumb|It's a Sicilian message.]] '''''[[w:The Godfather|The Godfather]]''''' is a [[w:1972 films|1972 film]] about a [[w:Mafia|Mafia]] crime family and the outbreak of a New York City gang war in the late 1940s. : ''Directed by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]]. Written by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] and [[w:Mario Puzo|Mario Puzo]], based on [[w:The Godfather (novel)|Puzo's novel]].'' {{center|'''An offer you can't refuse.'''}} == Vito Corleone == [[File:Den Haag Louwman Museum 094.jpg|thumb|Look how they massacred my boy!]] [[File:Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone.png|thumb|I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless, but not men.]] * ''[to Bonasera]'' I want you to use all your powers, and all your skills. I don't want his mother to see him this way. ''[looks in anguish at Sonny's bullet-ridden body]'' Look how they massacred my boy! * I spent my life trying not to be careless. Women and children can be careless, but not men. == Peter Clemenza == *''[to Rocco Lampone, after Rocco kills Paulie Gatto]'' Leave the gun. Take the Cannoli. == Dialogue == [[File:Flag of the United States (1912-1959).svg|thumb|I believe in America.]] [[File:The Godfather.png|thumb|A man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man.]] [[File:Criterion Theatre 02.jpg|thumb|I have a sentimental weakness for my children, and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen.]] [[File:Savoca St Nicolo.jpg|thumb|In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns.]] [[File:TAG Godfather Wedding.jpg|thumb|You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you or my boy to me? I forgo the vengeance on my son.]] :''[First lines]'' :'''Bonasera''': I believe in America. America has made my fortune, and I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend, not an Italian. She went to the movies with him. She stayed out late. I didn't protest. Two months ago, he took her for a drive, with another boy friend. They made her drink whiskey and then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor, so they beat her like an animal. When I went to the hospital her nose was broken. Her jaw was shattered, held together by wire. She couldn't even weep because of the pain, but I wept. Why did I weep? She was the light of my life. A beautiful girl. Now she will never be beautiful again. ''[sobs]'' Sorry. I went to the police, like a good American. These two boys were brought to trial. The judge sentenced them to three years in prison and suspended sentence. Suspended sentence! They went free that very day! I stood in the courtroom like a fool, and those two bastards, they smiled at me. Then I said to my wife, "For justice, we must go to Don Corleone." :'''Vito''': Why did you go to the police? Why didn't you come to me first? :'''Bonasera''': What do you want of me? Tell me anything, but do what I beg you to do. :'''Vito''': What is that? :'''Bonasera''': ''[whispering in Vito's ear]'' I want them dead. :'''Vito''': That I can't do. :'''Bonasera''': I will give you anything you ask. :'''Vito''': We've known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can't remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let's be frank here. You never wanted my friendship and, uh, you were afraid to be in my debt. :'''Bonasera''': I didn't want to get into trouble. :'''Vito''': I understand. You found paradise in America, you had a good trade, you made a good living, the police protected you, and there were courts of law. You didn't need a friend like me. But, now you come to me, and you say: "Don Corleone, give me justice." But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me to do murder for money. :'''Bonasera''': I ask for justice. :'''Vito''': That is not justice. Your daughter is still alive. :'''Bonasera''': Let them suffer then, as she suffers. How much shall I pay you? :'''Vito''': Bonasera... Bonasera. What have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you'd come to me in friendship, then that scum that ruined your daughter would be suffering this very day. And if by chance an honest man like yourself should make enemies, then they would become my enemies. And then they would fear you. :'''Bonasera''': Be my friend, Godfather. ''[kisses Vito's hand]'' :'''Vito''': Good. Someday - and that day may never come - I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, accept this justice as a gift on my daughter's wedding day. :'''Bonasera''': ''Grazie'', Godfather. :'''Vito''': ''Prego. [Bonasera leaves; to Tom]'' Give this to, uh, Clemenza. I want reliable people, people who aren't going to be carried away. After all, we're not murderers, in spite of what this... undertaker thinks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Well, when Johnny was first starting out, he was signed to this personal service contract with a big band leader. And as his career got better and better, he wanted to get out of it. Now, Johnny is my father's godson. And my father went to see this band leader, and he offered him $10,000 to let Johnny go. But the band leader said no. So the next day, my father went to see him, only this time with Luca Brasi. And within an hour, he signed a release, for a certified check for $1,000. :'''Kay''': How'd he do that? :'''Michael''': My father made him an offer he couldn't refuse. :'''Kay''': What was that? :'''Michael''': Luca Brasi held a gun to his head, and my father assured him that either his brains or his signature would be on the contract. That's a true story. That's my family, Kay. It's not me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': A month ago, he bought the movie rights to this book, a best-seller, and the main character, it's a guy just like me. I, uh, I wouldn't even have to act, just be myself. ''[choking up]'' Oh, Godfather, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. :'''Vito''': ''[shaking Johnny]'' ''You can act like a man!'' ''[slaps Johnny]'' What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out, a Hollywood ''finocchio'' that cries like a woman? "Eheheh! What can I do? What can I do?" What is that nonsense? Ridiculous. You spend time with your family? :'''Johnny''': Sure I do. :'''Vito''': Good, because a man who doesn't spend time with his family can never be a real man. Come here. You look terrible. I want you to eat. I want you to rest a while, and in a month from now, this Hollywood bigshot's gonna give you what you want. :'''Johnny''': It's too late, they start shooting in a week. :'''Vito''': '''I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.''' Now, you just go outside and enjoy yourself, and, uh, forget about all this nonsense. I want you, I want you to leave it all to me. :* The line in bold is ranked #2 in [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Virgil Sollozzo''': Don Corleone. I need a man who has powerful friends. I need a million dollars in cash. I need those politicians that you carry in your pocket, like nickels and dimes. :'''Vito''': What is the interest for my family? :'''Sollozzo''': 30%. In the first year your end should be three, four million dollars. And then it would go up. :'''Vito''': And what is the interest for the Tattaglia family? :'''Sollozzo''': ...My compliments. I’ll take care of them, out of my share. :'''Vito''': So I receive 30% for finance, political influence and legal protection? :'''Sollozzo''': That’s right. :'''Vito''': Why do you come to me? Why do I deserve this generosity? :'''Sollozzo''': If you consider a million dollars in cash just finance... ''te salud'', Don Corleone. :'''Vito''': ''[gets up]'' I said that I would see you, because I heard you were a serious man, to be treated with respect. ''[sits next to Sollozzo]'' But, uh, I must say no to you, and I'll give you my reasons. It's true, I have a lot of friends in politics, but they wouldn't be friendly very long if they knew my business was drugs instead of gambling, which they regard as a &ndash; a harmless vice. But drugs is a dirty business. It makes, it doesn't make any difference to me what a man does for a living, understand. But your business is, uh, a little dangerous. :'''Sollozzo''': If you're worried about security for your million, the Tattaglias will guarantee it. :'''Sonny''': Oh, you're telling me that the Tattaglias guarantee our investment? :'''Vito''': Wait a minute. I have a sentimental weakness for my children, and I spoil them, as you can see. They talk when they should listen. But anyway, ''Signor'' Sollozzo, my "no" is final and I wish to congratulate you on your new business. I know you'll do very well, and good luck to you, especially since your interests don't conflict with mine. Thank you. ''[Sollozzo leaves]'' Santino, come here. What's the matter with you? I think your brain's going soft from all that comedy you're playing with that young girl. Never tell anybody outside the family what you're thinking again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sollozzo''': Your boss is dead. I know you're not in the muscle-end of the family, Tom, so I don't want you to be scared. I want you to help the Corleones, and I want you to help me. ''[hands Tom a drink.]'' Yeah, we got him outside his office just about an hour after we picked you up. Drink it. So now it's up to you to make the peace between me and Sonny. Sonny was hot for my idea, wasn't he? And you knew it was the right thing to do. :'''Tom''': Sonny'll come after you with everything he's got. :'''Sollozzo''': That'll be his first reaction, sure. That's why you gotta talk some sense into him. The Tattaglia family is behind me with all their people. The other New York families will go along with anything that will prevent a full-scale war. Let's face it, Tom, and all due respect, the Don, rest in peace, was slipping. Ten years ago, could I have gotten to him? Well, now, he's dead. He's dead, Tom, and nothing can bring him back, so you gotta talk to Sonny. You gotta talk to the ''caporegimes'', that Tessio and that fat Clemenza. It's good business, Tom. :'''Tom''': I'll try, but even Sonny won't be able to call off Luca Brasi. :'''Sollozzo''': Yeah, well, let me worry about Luca. You just talk to Sonny and the other two kids. :'''Tom''': I'll do my best. :'''Sollozzo''': Good. Now, you can go. I don't like violence, Tom. I'm a business man. Blood is a big expense. ''[receives news from an arriving car]'' He's still alive. They hit him with five shots, and he's still alive! Well, that's bad luck for me, and bad luck for you if you don't make that deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sonny opens a package to find two fish wrapped in Luca's bulletproof vest]'' :'''Sonny''': What the hell is this? :'''Tessio''': '''It's a Sicilian message. It means Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.''' :* Note: The line in bold was nominated for the [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police cars pull up outside the hospital where Michael is standing; he is grabbed by an officer and searched]'' :'''Officer Phil''': Now hold still. :'''McCluskey''': I thought I got all you guinea hoods locked up! What the hell are you doing here? :'''Michael''': What happened to the men who were guarding my father, Captain? :'''McCluskey''': Why, you little punk! What the hell are you doing, telling me my business? I pulled them guys off of here! Now you get outta here, and stay away from this hospital! :'''Michael''': I'm not moving until you put some guards around my father's room. :'''McCluskey''': Phil, take him in! :'''Officer Phil''': The kid's clean, Captain! He's a war hero! He's never been busted for the rackets- :'''McCluskey''': Goddamn it, I said take him in! :'''Michael''': What's the Turk paying you to set up my father, Captain? :'''McCluskey''': Take a hold of him! Stand him up! Stand him up straight! ''[punches Michael]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom''': This is business, not personal! :'''Sonny''': They shot my father. It's business, your ass! :'''Tom''': Even shooting your father was business, not personal, Sonny! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': They wanna have a meeting with me, right? It will be me, McCluskey and Sollozzo. Let's set the meeting. Get our informers to find out where it's gonna be held. Now, we insist it's a public place: a bar, a restaurant, some place where there's people so I feel safe. They're gonna search me when I first meet them, right? So I can't have a weapon on me then. But if Clemenza can figure a way, to have a weapon planted there for me, then I'll kill 'em both. :'''Sonny''': ''[laughing, along with the others]'' Hey, what are ya gonna do, nice college boy, eh? Didn't want to get mixed up in the family business huh? Now you wanna gun down a police captain. Why? Because he slapped you in the face a little bit? Hah? What do you think this is, the Army where you shoot 'em a mile away? You've gotta get up close like this and bada-bing! You blow their brains all over your nice Ivy League suit. ''[kisses Michael's head]'' You're taking this very personal. Tom, this is business and this man is taking it very, very personally. :'''Michael''': Where does it say that you can't kill a cop? :'''Tom''': Come on, Mikey. :'''Michael''': Tom, wait a minute. I'm talking about a cop that's mixed up in drugs. I'm talking about a dishonest cop, a crooked cop who got mixed up in the rackets and got what was coming. That's a terrific story, and we have newspaper people on the payroll. Don't we, Tom? ''[Tom nods]'' They might like a story like that. :'''Tom''': They might. They just might. :'''Michael''': It's not personal, Sonny. It's strictly business. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Committing to kill Captain McCluskey and Sollozzo, Michael seeks help from Peter Clemenza]'' :'''Clemenza''': ''[shows Michael a revolver]'' This is as cold as they come, impossible to trace, so you don't worry about prints, Mike. I put a special tape on the trigger and the butt. Here, try it. ''[Michael takes the revolver]'' What'sa matter? The trigger too tight? :'''Michael''': No. ''[fires]'' Ah, my ears. :'''Clemenza''': Yeah, I left it noisy. That way, it scares any pain-in-the-ass innocent bystanders away. All right, you shot 'em both. Now what do you do? :'''Michael''': Sit down, finish my dinner. :'''Clemenza''': Come on, kid. Don't fool around. Just let your hand drop to your side, and let the gun slip out. Everybody'll still think you got it. They're gonna be staring at your face, Mike, so walk out of the place real fast, but don't run. Don't look nobody directly in the eye, but you don't look away either. Eh, they're gonna be scared stiff of you, believe me, so don't worry about nothing. You know, you gonna turn out all right. You take a long vacation, nobody knows where, and we gonna catch the hell. :'''Michael''': How bad do you think it's gonna be? :'''Clemenza''': Pretty god-damn bad. Probably, all the other families will line up against us. That's all right. These things gotta happen every five years or so, ten years. Helps to get rid of the bad blood. Been ten years since the last one. You know, you gotta stop 'em at the beginning, like they shoulda stopped Hitler at Munich. They should never have let him get away with that. They was just asking for big trouble. You know, Mike, we was all proud of you, being a hero and all. Your father, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian, upon seeing Apollonia]'' Mamma mia, what a beauty. :''[Apollonia says something in Sicilian and is startled to see the three men watching her. She and Michael exchange looks]'' :'''Fabrizio''': ''[to Michael, in Sicilian]'' I think you got hit by the thunderbolt. :'''Calo''': ''[in Sicilian]'' In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael, Fabrizio, and Calo visit the Bar Vitelli]'' :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Did you have a good hunt? :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' You know all the girls around here? We saw some real beauties. One of them struck our friend like a thunderbolt. She would tempt the devil himself. Really put together. Such hair, such mouth! :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' The girls around here are beautiful but virtuous. :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' This one had a purple dress and a purple ribbon in her hair. A type more Greek than Italian. Do you know her? :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' No! There's no girl like that in his town! ''[storms back into the cafe]'' :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' My God, I understand! ''[gets up to look at the cafe]'' :'''Michael''': ''[to Calo, in Sicilian]'' What's wrong? :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Let's go. It's his daughter. :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Tell him to come here. :'''Fabrizio''': ''[in Sicilian, points thumb inside]'' You don't understand. It's his daughter! :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian] Call him. [Fabrizio heads inside to usher Mr Vitelli out, flanked by his sons]'' Fabrizio, translate for me. ''[to Mr Vitelli in English, with Fabrizio translating]'' I apologize if I offended you. I'm a stranger in this country and I meant no disrespect, to you or your daughter. :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian, to Fabrizio]'' Who is this? He sounds American. :'''Michael''': I'm an American hiding in Sicily. My name is Michael Corleone. There are people who'd pay a lot of money for that information, but then your daughter would lose a father...instead of gaining a husband. I want to meet your daughter with your permission and under the supervision of your family with all respect. :'''Vitelli''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Come to my house Sunday morning. My name is Vitelli. :'''Michael''' ''[stands up, in Sicilian]'' thank you and what is your daughter's name? :'''Vitelli''': Apollonia. :'''Michael''': ''Bene.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vito''': ''[sees Tom Hagen with a drink]'' Give me a drop. ''[drinks]'' My wife is crying upstairs. I hear cars coming to the house. Consigliere of mine... ''[puts down the drink]'' I think you should tell your Don what everyone seems to know. :'''Tom''': I didn't tell Mama anything. I was about to come up and wake you and tell you. :'''Vito''': But you needed a drink first. :'''Tom''': Yeah. ''[puts down his drink]'' :'''Vito''': Well, now that you've had your drink... :'''Tom''': ...They shot Sonny on the causeway... He's dead. :'''Vito''': ''[sighs with a quiet sob before composing himself]'' I want... no inquiries made. I want no acts of vengeance. I want you to arrange a meeting with the heads of the Five Families. This war stops now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the wake of Sonny's assassination, Don Vito talks to the heads of the Five Families]'' :'''Vito''': How did things ever get so far? I don't know. It was so unfortunate, so unnecessary. Tattaglia lost a son and I lost a son. We're quits, and if Tattaglia agrees, then I'm willing to let things go on the way they were before. :'''Barzini''': We're all grateful to Don Corleone for calling this meeting. We all know him as a man of his word. A modest man who will always listen to reason. :'''Tattaglia''': Yes, Barzini, he is too modest. He had all the judges and politicians in his pocket, and refused to share them. :'''Vito''': When? When did I ever refuse an accommodation? All of you know me here. When did I ever refuse, except one time? And why? Because I believe this drug business is gonna destroy us in the years to come. I mean, it's not like gambling or liquor, even women, which is something that most people want nowadays and it's forbidden to them by the ''pezzonovantes'' in the church. Even the police departments have helped us in the past with gambling and other things. They're gonna refuse to help us when it comes to narcotics. And I believed that then, and I believe that now. :'''Barzini''': Times have changed. It's not like the old days when we could do anything we want. A refusal is not the act of a friend. Don Corleone had all the judges and the politicians in New York, and he must share them. He must let us draw the water from the well. Certainly, he can present a bill for such services. After all, we are not [[Communism|Communists]]! ''[Everyone laughs]'' :'''Zaluchi''': ''[stands up]'' I ''also'' don't believe in drugs. For years I paid my people extra so they wouldn't do that kind of business. Somebody comes to them and says, "I have powders. If you put up three, four thousand dollar investment, we can make fifty thousand distributing." So they can't resist. I want to control it as a business, to keep it respectable. ''[pounds on the table]'' I don't want it near schools! I don't want it sold to children! That's an ''infamia''! In my city, we would keep the traffic in the [[Black people|dark people]], the coloreds. They're animals anyway, so let them lose their souls. ''[sits back down]'' :'''Vito''': I hoped that we would come here and reason together. And as a reasonable man, I'm willing to do whatever is necessary to find a peaceful solution to these problems. :'''Barzini''': Then we are agreed. The traffic in drugs will be permitted, but controlled, and Don Corleone will give us protection in the east, and there will be the peace. :'''Tattaglia''': ''[to Barzini]'' But I must have strict assurance from Corleone. As time goes by and his position becomes stronger, will he attempt any individual vendetta? :'''Barzini''': Look, we are all reasonable men here. We don't have to give assurances as if we were lawyers. :'''Vito''': ''[to Tattaglia]'' You talk about vengeance. Is vengeance going to bring your son back to you... or my boy to me? I forgo the vengeance on my son. ''[to everyone]'' But I have selfish reasons. My youngest son was forced to leave this country because of all this Sollozzo business. ''[stands up]'' All right. And I have to make arrangements to bring him back here safely, cleared of all these false charges. ''[sternly]'' But I'm a superstitious man, and if some unlucky accident should befall him... if he should get shot in the head by a police officer, or if he should hang himself in his jail cell, or if he's struck by a bolt of lightning... then I'm going to ''blame'' some of the people in this room. And that I do not forgive. But that aside, let me say that I swear... ''[with his hand to his chest]'' on the souls of my grandchildren, that I will not be the one to break the peace that we have made here today. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Don Vito and Tom travel home from the Five Families meeting]'' :'''Tom''': When I meet with the Tattaglia people, should I insist that all his drug middlemen have clean records? :'''Vito''': Mention it. Don't insist. Barzini is a man who'll know that without being told. :'''Tom''': You mean Tattaglia? :'''Vito''': Tattaglia's a ''pimp''. He never could've outfought Santino, but I didn't know until this day that it was... Barzini all along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': I'm working for my father now. He's been sick, very sick. :'''Kay''': But you're not like him, Michael. I thought you weren't going to become a man like your father. That's what you told me. :'''Michael''': My father's no different than any other powerful man; any man who's responsible for other people, like a senator or a president. :'''Kay''': ''[laughs]'' You know how naïve you sound? :'''Michael''': Why? :'''Kay''': Senators and presidents don't have men killed. :'''Michael''': Oh. Who's being naïve, Kay? Kay, my father's way of doing things is over, it's finished. Even he knows that. I mean, in five years, the Corleone family is going to be completely legitimate. Trust me. That's all I can tell you about my business. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During casino buyout discussions with Moe Greene]'' :'''Moe''': What do you think is going on here? You think you can come here to my hotel and take over? I talked to Barzini. I can make a deal with him and still keep my hotel. :'''Michael''': Is that why you slapped my brother around in public? :'''Fredo''': Ah, now that was was nothing, Mike! Now, now Moe didn't mean nothing by that. Sure, he flies off the handle once in a while but Moe and me are good friends. Right, Moe? :'''Moe''': I got a business to run. I gotta kick asses sometimes to make it run right. We had a little argument, Freddy and I, so I had to straighten him out. :'''Michael''': You straightened my brother out? :'''Moe''': He was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time! Players couldn't get a drink at the table! What's the matter with you? :'''Michael''': I leave for New York tomorrow. Think about a price. :'''Moe''': Do you know who I am? I'm Moe Greene! I made my bones when you were going out with cheerleaders! :'''Fredo''': Wait a minute, Moe. Moe, I got an idea. Tom, you're the ''consiglieri'' and you can talk to the Don. You can explain— :'''Tom''': Now hold it right there. The Don is semi-retired and Mike is in charge of the family business now. If you have anything to say, say it to Michael. :''[Moe Greene leaves]'' :'''Fredo''': Mike! You don't come to Las Vegas and talk to a man like Moe Greene like that! :'''Michael''': Fredo, you're my older brother and I love you, but don't ever take sides with anyone against the family again, ever. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vito''': I knew that Santino was gonna have to go through all this, and Fredo, well, Fredo was...but I never - I never wanted this for you. I worked my whole life - I don't apologize - to take care of my family. And I refused to be a fool dancing on a string held by all of those big shots. I don't apologize. That's my life, but I thought that when it was your time, that you would be the one to hold the strings. Senator Corleone. Governor Corleone. Something. :'''Michael''': Another ''pezzonovante''. :'''Vito''': Well, there wasn't enough time, Michael. Wasn't enough time. :'''Michael''': We'll get there, Pop. We'll get there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sal and Tom prepare to go to the meeting with Barzini]'' :'''Tessio''': I hope Mike can get us a good deal. :'''Tom''': I'm sure he will. :'''Cicci''': ''[intercepts the two]'' Sal, Tom? Boss says he'll come in a separate car. He says for you two to go on ahead. :'''Tessio''': Hell, he can't do that. It screws up all my arrangements! :'''Cicci''': Well, that's what he said. :'''Tom''': I can't go either, Sal. :''[Several button men close in around Tessio]'' :'''Tessio''': Tell Mike it was only business. I always liked him. :'''Tom''': He understands that. :'''Cicci''': 'Scuse me, Sal. ''[disarms Tessio]'' :'''Tessio''': Tom, can you get me off the hook, for old time's sake? :'''Tom''': Can't do it, Sally. ''[signals Cicci to take Tessio away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Carlo dials the phone, Michael Corleone enters the room with Tom Hagen, Al Neri and Rocco Lampone. Carlo turns and looks at Michael's new inner circle]'' :'''Michael''': You have to answer for Santino, Carlo. :'''Carlo''': Mike, you've got it all wrong! :'''Michael''': You fingered Sonny for the Barzini people. Ah, that little farce you played with my sister. Did you think that would fool a Corleone? :'''Carlo''': Mike, I'm innocent. I swear on my kids. Please don't do this to me, Mike. :'''Michael''': Sit down. :'''Carlo''': Please don't do this. Please. :'''Michael''': Barzini's dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia, Moe Greene, Stracci, Cuneo. Today, I settle all family business, so don't tell me you're innocent, Carlo. Admit what you did. ''[Carlo breaks down]'' Get him a drink. Come on. Don't be afraid, Carlo. Come on. You think I'd make my sister a widow? I'm Godfather to your son, Carlo. ''[Gives Carlo a drink]'' Go ahead, drink. Drink. No, Carlo, you're out of the family business, that's your punishment. We're finished. I'm putting you on a plane to Vegas. Tom? ''[Tom produces a plane ticket]'' I want you to stay there, understand? Only, don't tell me you're innocent, because it insults my intelligence. It makes me very angry. Now who approached you: Tattaglia or Barzini? :'''Carlo''': It was Barzini. :'''Michael''': Good. There's a car waiting for you outside, it'll take you to the airport. I'll call your wife and tell her what flight you're on. :'''Carlo''': Mike, it was- :'''Michael''': Get out of my sight. :''[Carlo gets in the car and notices Clemenza sitting behind him]'' :'''Clemenza''': Hello, Carlo. ''[strangles Carlo to death]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Connie has just accused Michael of having Carlo killed]'' :'''Michael''': ''[chuckles to himself]'' She's hysterical. Hysterical. :'''Kay''': Michael, is it true? :'''Michael''': Don't ask me about my business, Kay. :'''Kay''': Is it true? :'''Michael''': Don't ask me about my business. :'''Kay''': No! :'''Michael''': ''[slams on the table]'' ENOUGH! All right, this one time. This one time, I'll let you ask me about my affairs. :'''Kay''': Is it true? Is it? :'''Michael''': No. :'''Kay''': I guess we both need a drink, huh? Come on. ''[goes to the other room to get a drink as mafiosi approach]'' :'''Clemenza''': ''[kissing Michael's hand]'' Don Corleone. :''[One of the men walks up, and slowly closes the door on Kay]'' == Cast == * [[Marlon Brando]] &ndash; Don [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]] * [[Al Pacino]] &ndash; [[w:Michael Corleone|Michael Corleone]] * [[w:James Caan|James Caan]] &ndash; [[w:Sonny Corleone|Santino "Sonny" Corleone]] * [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] &ndash; [[w:Tom Hagen|Tom Hagen]] * [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] &ndash; [[w:Kay Adams-Corleone|Kay Adams]] * [[w:Abe Vigoda|Abe Vigoda]] &ndash; [[w:Salvatore Tessio|Sal Tessio]] * [[Sterling Hayden]] &ndash; Captain McCluskey * [[w:Talia Shire|Talia Shire]] &ndash; [[w:Connie Corleone|Connie Corleone Rizzi]] * [[w:Gianni Russo|Gianni Russo]] &ndash; [[w:Carlo Rizzi (The Godfather)|Carlo Rizzi]] * [[w:John Cazale|John Cazale]] &ndash; [[w:Fredo Corleone|Fredo Corleone]] * [[w:Richard Castellano|Richard Castellano]] &ndash; [[w:Peter Clemenza|Pete Clemenza]] * [[w:John Marley|John Marley]] &ndash; [[w:Jack Woltz|Jack Woltz]] * [[w:Al Lettieri|Al Lettieri]] &ndash; [[w:Virgil Solozzo|Virgil "the Turk" Solozzo]] * [[w:Alex Rocco|Alex Rocco]] &ndash; [[w:Moe Greene|Moe Greene]] * [[w:Richard Conte|Richard Conte]] &ndash; Don [[w:Emilio Barzini|Emilio Barzini]] * [[w:Louis Guss|Louis Guss]] &ndash; Don [[w:Joe Zaluchi|Joe Zaluchi]] * [[w:Al Martino|Al Martino]] &ndash; [[w:Johnny Fontane|Johnny Fontane]] * [[w:Lenny Montana|Lenny Montana]] &ndash; [[w:Luca Brasi|Luca Brasi]] * Victor Rendina &ndash; [[w:Philip Tattaglia|Philip Tattaglia]] ==Quotes about The Godfather== * One of my favorite books—and I emphasize the word book here because I'm not talking about the movie—is The Godfather, because that book took me to another world—not necessarily a real world, but it did make good guys of some rather unpleasant people. It did take me to another world. ** 1996 interview in ''Conversations with [[Octavia Butler]]'' == See also == * ''[[The Godfather: Part II]]'' * ''[[The Godfather: Part III]]'' == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline}} * {{imdb title|id=0068646|title=The Godfather}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=godfather|title=The Godfather}} * ''[http://www.filmsite.org/godf.html The Godfather]'' on [[w:Filmsite.org|Filmsite.org]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Godfather, The}} [[Category:1972 films]] [[Category:Crime drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Mafia films]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films whose writers won Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award]] [[Category:Films set in Queens, New York]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films set in the Bronx]] [[Category:Films directed by Francis Ford Coppola]] [[Category:Films about families]] [[Category:Films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Films about brothers]] [[Category:Films set in the 1940s]] [[Category:Films set in the 1950s]] [[Category:1970s English-language films]] aznjpa2g3w06lcm00w77m37zdapwfrq 0 1615 3954168 3951862 2026-06-18T15:50:58Z ~2026-34451-46 3340243 /* Movies */ 3954168 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': The Model Series Eras: The Old Series Eras: The Clearwater Features Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 2|2]]}} The Britt Allcroft Company Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 5|5]]}} The Gullane Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 7|7]]}} The New Series Era: The Old HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 12|12]]}} The CGI Series Eras: The Old CGI Series Era: The New HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 16|16]]}} The New CGI Series Era: The Andrew Brenner Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 21|21]]}} The Big World! Big Adventures! Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 23|23]] 24}} ---- '''''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends''''' (1984–1986, 1991-1992, 1994-1995, 1998, 2002-2021, otherwise referred to as '''''Thomas & Friends''''', '''''Thomas the Tank Engine''''' or '''''Thomas''''' for short) is a British [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] based on the series of the British children's books referred to as ''[[The Railway Series]]''. The show was aimed at elementary school children, and middle school children, and from ages 5 to 12. ==Movies== * ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * ''[[Calling All Engines!]]'' (2005) * ''[[The Great Discovery]]'' (2008) * ''[[Hero of the Rails]]'' (2009) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011) * ''[[Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] (2013) * ''[[Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: The Adventure Begins|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015) * ''[[Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]]'' (2016) * ''[[Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017) * ''[[Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018) == Storytellers == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == Character Voices == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == See also == *''[[Tugs]]'' *''[[Shining Time Station]]'' *''[[Salty's Lighthouse]]'' *''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' *''[[Microsoft Train Simulator]]'' *''[[Rail Simulator]]'' *''[[Train Simulator Classic]]'' *''[[Train Sim World]]'' *''[[The Railway Series]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|Thomas & Friends}} *{{imdb title | id=0086815 | title=Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:UK children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:ITV shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Nick Jr. shows]] h02av0z5cuu3bnazv2a48cddam7sall 3954169 3954168 2026-06-18T15:51:33Z ~2026-34451-46 3340243 /* Movies */ 3954169 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons''': The Model Series Eras: The Old Series Eras: The Clearwater Features Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 2|2]]}} The Britt Allcroft Company Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 5|5]]}} The Gullane Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 7|7]]}} The New Series Era: The Old HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 12|12]]}} The CGI Series Eras: The Old CGI Series Era: The New HIT Entertainment Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 16|16]]}} The New CGI Series Era: The Andrew Brenner Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 21|21]]}} The Big World! Big Adventures! Era: {{small|[[Thomas & Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas & Friends/Season 23|23]] 24}} ---- '''''Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends''''' (1984–1986, 1991-1992, 1994-1995, 1998, 2002-2021, otherwise referred to as '''''Thomas & Friends''''', '''''Thomas the Tank Engine''''' or '''''Thomas''''' for short) is a British [[w:Children's television series|children's television series]] based on the series of the British children's books referred to as ''[[The Railway Series]]''. The show was aimed at elementary school children, and middle school children, and from ages 5 to 12. ==Movies== * ''[[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]]'' (2000) * ''[[Calling All Engines!]]'' (2005) * ''[[The Great Discovery]]'' (2008) * ''[[Hero of the Rails]]'' (2009) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]]'' (2010) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]]'' (2011) * ''[[Blue Mountain Mystery]]'' (2012) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] (2013) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: Tale of the Brave|Tale of the Brave]]'' (2014) * ''[[Thomas & Friends: The Adventure Begins|The Adventure Begins]]'' (2015) * ''[[Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]]'' (2015) * ''[[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]]'' (2016) * ''[[Journey Beyond Sodor]]'' (2017) * ''[[Big World! Big Adventures!]]'' (2018) == Storytellers == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == Character Voices == *[[Ringo Starr]] (UK/US) (Seasons 1–2) (1984–1986) *[[w:Michael Angelis|Michael Angelis]] (UK) (Seasons 3–16) (1991–2012) *[[George Carlin]] (US) (Seasons 1–4) (1984–1995) *[[Alec Baldwin]] (US) (Seasons 5–6) (1998–2002) *[[w:Michael Brandon|Michael Brandon]] (US) (Seasons 7–16) (2003–2012) *[[w:Pierce Brosnan|Pierce Brosnan]] (UK/US) (Season 12) (2008) *[[w:Mark Moraghan|Mark Moraghan]] (UK/US) (Seasons 17–21) (2013–2017) *[[w:John Hasler|John Hasler]] (UK) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) *[[w:Joseph May|Joseph May]] (US) (Seasons 22–24) (2018–2021) == See also == *''[[Tugs]]'' *''[[Shining Time Station]]'' *''[[Salty's Lighthouse]]'' *''[[Thomas & Friends: All Engines Go]]'' *''[[Microsoft Train Simulator]]'' *''[[Rail Simulator]]'' *''[[Train Simulator Classic]]'' *''[[Train Sim World]]'' *''[[The Railway Series]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|Thomas & Friends}} *{{imdb title | id=0086815 | title=Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:UK children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:TV shows based on children's books]] [[Category:PBS shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated TV shows]] [[Category:UK children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends]] [[Category:PBS Kids shows]] [[Category:Freeform shows]] [[Category:ITV shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] [[Category:Nick Jr. shows]] 3g6wigfcly5lrgod7pc2bk3v2kbp9vc 0 1679 3954202 3942763 2026-06-18T17:14:50Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Iceland]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954202 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Björk and the Swan Dress.jpg|thumb|right|Björk in her [[w:Swan dress|swan dress]] at the [[w:73rd Academy Awards|73rd Academy Awards]] in Los Angeles (March 25, 2001)]] '''[[w:Björk|Björk Guðmundsdóttir]]''' (born 21 November 1965) is an Icelandic singer, composer, producer, and actor. ==Quotes== * It's so amazing when people tell me that … electronic music has not got soul. And they blame the computers. They got the finger pointed at the computers like, "There's no soul here." … You can't blame the computer. If there's not soul in the music, it's because nobody put it there. And it's not the tool's fault. ** [[w:The South Bank Show|''The South Bank Show'']], series 21, episode 4: "Björk" (9 November 1997) * I am grateful grapefruit. ** From her acceptance speech for the [[w:Brit Award for International Female Solo Artist|Brit Award for International Female Solo Artist]] at the [[w:18th Brit Awards|18th Brit Awards]], 9 February 1998 * I don't like records that are the same from beginning to end, that are too styled and slick. Everything is so designed and airbrushed and Botoxed, it makes us think, 'Oh, everybody's perfect except me. Everything's smooth except me.' But nothing is smooth. ** Defending her song "Ancestors", which had been alleged to be "really hard to listen to". [[w:Newsweek|''Newsweek'']], 6 September 2004. * Everyone is bisexual: I’ve always had as many powerful, creative ladies in my life as I have men, and you could probably describe some of those relationships as romantic. I think everyone's bisexual to some degree or another. It's just a question of whether or not you choose to recognise it and embrace it. Personally, I think choosing between men and women is like choosing between cake and ice cream: You'd be daft not to try both when there are so many different flavours. ** [[w:Diva (magazine)|''Diva'']] magazine, October 2004 * But, but, these are the people that made the [[w:Busby Berkeley|Busby Berkeley]] movies, yeah? So they're not exactly subtle. ** Explaining her swan dress on ''[[w:The Tonight Show with Jay Leno|The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]], season 9, episode 177 (19 October 2001) * It's interesting for me to bring up a girl. You go to the toy store and the female characters there—Cinderella, the lady in ''Beauty and the Beast''—their major task is to find Prince Charming. And I'm like, wait a minute, it's 2005! We've fought so hard to have a say, and not just live through our partners, and yet you're still seeing two-year-old girls with this message pushed at them that the only important thing is to find this amazing dress so that the guy will want you. It's something my mum pointed out to me when I was little—so much [so] that I almost threw up; but, she's right. ** From ''The Observer'', March 13 2005 issue * It's a big question. Getting rid of religion would be a good start, wouldn't it? It seems to be causing a lot of havoc. **When asked "Given the chance, how would you change the world?" (''The Independent'', 18 March 2005.) * The thing about making &#91;[[w:Dancer in the Dark|''Dancer in the Dark'']]&#93; that upset me most was how cruel [[Lars von Trier|Lars]] is to the woman he is working with. Not that I can't take it, because I'm pretty tough and completely capable of defending myself, but because my ideals of the ultimate creator were shattered. And my friend said, 'What did you expect? All major directors are sexist; a maker is not necessarily an expert in human rights or female–male equality.'<br/><br/>My answer was that you can take quite sexist film directors like [[Woody Allen]] or [[Stanley Kubrick]], and still they are the one[s] that provide the soul to their movies. In [[Lars von Trier]]'s case it is not so, and he knows it. He needs a female to provide his work soul. And he envies them and hates them for it. So he has to destroy them during the filming, and hide the evidence. What saves him as an artist, though, is that he is so painfully honest that even though he will manage to cover up his crime in the "real" world (he is a genius to set things up [so] that everybody thinks it is just his female-actress-at-the-moment imagination, that she is just hysterical or pre-menstrual), his films become a documentation of this 'soul-robbery'. [[w:Breaking the Waves|''Breaking the Waves'']] is the clearest example of that. ** Posted by Björk to the bjork.com 4um, in response to a question about her conflict with director [[w:Lars von Trier|Lars von Trier]] during the production of ''[[w:Dancer in the Dark|Dancer in the Dark]]'' * You know, it's ironic that just at the point the lawyers and the businessmen had calculated how to control music, the Internet comes along and fucks everything up." Björk gives the finger again, this time waving it into the air. "God bless the Internet," she adds. And what about you, then? "I'll still be there, waving a pirate flag. ** Quoted by Valur Gunnarsson in "[https://web.archive.org/web/20070505024629/https://unit.bjork.com/specials/albums/medulla/pirate/ Waving a pirate flag—Björk: Seditious superstar]", ''Reykjavik Grapevine'' == Song lyrics == ===[[w:Debut (Björk album)|''Debut'']] (1993)=== * There's definitely, definitely, definitely no logic<br/>To [[human behaviour]]<br/>…<br/> There's no map<br/>And a compass<br/>Wouldn't help at all ** "[[w:Human Behaviour|Human Behaviour]]" * His wicked sense of humour suggests exciting sex<br/>His fingers focus on her<br/>Her touches <br/>He's Venus as a boy ** [[w:Venus as a Boy|Venus as a Boy]] ===[[w:Post (Björk album)|''Post'']] (1995)=== * I'm back at my cliff<br>Still throwing things off<br>I listen to the sounds they make<br>On their way down<br>I follow with my eyes 'til they crash<br>Imagine what my body would sound like<br/>Slamming against those rocks<br>And when it lands<br>Will my eyes<br>Be closed or open? ** "[[w:Hyper-Ballad|Hyper-Ballad]]" ===[[w:Homogenic|''Homogenic'']] (1997)=== * I'm a fountain of blood<br/>In the shape of a girl<br/>…<br/>Leave me now, return tonight<br/>Tide will show you the way <br/>If you forget my name<br/>You will go astray</br>Like a killer whale</br>Trapped in a bay ** "[[w:Bachelorette (song)|Bachelorette]]" * If travel is searching<br/>And home what's been found<br/>I'm not stopping<br/><br>I'm going hunting<br/>I'm the hunter<br/>I'll bring back the goods<br/>But I don't know when ** ''[[w:Hunter (Björk song)|Hunter]]'', {{w|Homogenic}} (1997) * I thought I could organize freedom<br/>How Scandinavian of me ** ''[[w:Hunter (Björk song)|Hunter]]'', {{w|Homogenic}} (1997) * I want to go on a mountaintop<br/>With a radio and good batteries<br/>And play a joyous tune<br/>And free the<br/>Human<br/>Race<br/>From suffering (saccharine) ** "[[w:Alarm Call|Alarm Call]]" *I'm no fucking Buddhist<br/>But this is enlightenment<br/>The less room you give me (Happiness)<br/>The more space I've got<br/>It doesn't scare me at all ** "[[w:Alarm Call|Alarm Call]]" * You'll be given love<br/> You'll be taken care of<br/>You'll be given love<br/>You have to trust it ** ''[[W:All Is Full of Love|All Is Full of Love]]'' * Emotional landscapes<br/>They puzzle me<br/>The riddle gets solved and you push me up to<br/>This state of emergency<br/>How beautiful to be<br/>State of emergency<br/>Is where I want to be ** "[[w:Jóga|Jóga]]" * I dare you to take me on<br/>I dare you to show me your palms<br/>I'm so bored of cowards who say they want (love)<br/>Then they can't handle love ** "5 Years" ===[[w:Vespertine|''Vespertine'']] (2001)=== * He offers a handshake, crooked five fingers<br/>They form a pattern yet to be matched<br/>On the surface simplicity<br/>But the darkest pit in me<br/>Is pagan poetry ** "[[w:Pagan Poetry|Pagan Poetry]]" ===[[w:Family_Tree_(Björk_album)|''Family Tree '']] (2002)=== * Oh thou that bowest<br/>Thy ecstatic face<br/>Thy perfect sorrows<br/>Are the world's to keep<br/>Wherefore onto thy knees<br/>Come we<br/>With a prayer **"Mother Heroic" ===[[w:Medúlla (album)|''Medúlla'']] (2004)=== * When in doubt, give. **"Pleasure is All Mine" * You have done<br/>Good for yourselves<br/>Since you left my wet embrace<br/>And crawled ashore<br/>…<br/>My sons and my daughters<br/>Ho-oh<br/>Your sweat is salty<br/>I am why ** "[[w:Oceania (single)|Oceania]]" ===[[w:Volta|''Volta'']] (2007)=== * Declare independence<br/>Don't let them do that to you<br/>...<br/>Start your own currency<br/>Make your own stamp<br/>Protect your language ** "[[w:Declare Independence|Declare Independence]]" ==Quotes about Björk== * Do not fuck with Björk! Björk will beat your ass! … I saw Björk beat this woman's ass one time in this videotape. She was in the Bangkok Airport and she was pushing her luggage cart, and this woman came up and just touched her, and Björk went ''[roars and hisses]''. And it was so scary because you didn't expect it at all, because Björk is so cute. … And Björk called the woman she attacked afterwards to apologize. 'I'm very sorry I tried to pull your eyes up over your head. Somebody must have [[w:Gremlins|fed me after midnight]].'<br/><br/>But Björk wore the best dress ever to the Oscars ''ever'': She wore a ''swan''. And I'm not talking about a dress with white feathers on it. Oh, no. She rocked the ''whole bird''. The beak was up here and shit. And she accessorized it with an egg. What else you gon' wear with your bird? And all of the fashion magazines said she was the worst dressed, but when they say you're the worst, that means you're the best. ** [[Margaret Cho]], ''Assassin'' (2005) * I … thought about all the artists that I really respected and liked. They were just them. … They're people who always stuck to who they were, and were true and honest about who they were. So, I think that kind of gave me … confidence to just stick at it. Just thinking about people like Björk. You know? [Like] [[w:Bob Dylan|Bob Dylan]] … artists that truly were strong in themselves. ** [[M.I.A.]] during [http://web.archive.org/web/20070926225407/http://www.muchmusic.com/music/artists/transcripts.asp?artist=1213 a guest appearance] [[w:MuchOnDemand|''MuchOnDemand'']] (26 September 2005). * She has a weird energy about her as a woman. We were in this town to do a show, and she spread such positive vibes. There were birds singing, and rainbows; we could even see a tornado going on. We could actually see it! … I think that every artist has an aura and persona that develops, and Björk spreads such a positive energy. You can just feel it. ** [[M.I.A.]] [http://gigwise.co.uk/contents.asp?contentid=36660] [http://www.gigwise.com/news/36617/MIA---Drama-Follows-Me-Around] ==External links== *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{commonscat-inline}} * {{Official website|https://www.bjork.com/}} * [https://genius.com/artists/Bjork Björk] at Genius.com {{DEFAULTSORT:Bjork}} [[Category:Singer-songwriters]] [[Category:Women singers]] [[Category:Composers]] [[Category:Music producers from Iceland]] [[Category:Bassists]] [[Category:Flautists]] [[Category:Actresses from Iceland]] [[Category:Environmentalists from Iceland]] [[Category:Women activists from Iceland]] [[Category:People from Reykjavík]] [[Category:1965 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Electronic music]] [[Category:Alternative rock singers]] [[Category:Experimental music]] [[Category:Alternative dance]] [[Category:Brit Award winners]] [[Category:MTV Europe Music Award winners]] 6buc6dl4470hc1zlnfytftrqvxer2m7 0 1892 3954337 3869995 2026-06-19T00:23:37Z Born to Barnacle 3343489 3954337 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MacArthur Manila.jpg|thumb|Could I have but a line a century hence crediting a contribution to the advance of [[peace]], I would gladly yield every honor which has been accorded me in [[war]].]] [[w:General of the Army (United States)|General of the Army]] '''[[w:Douglas MacArthur|Douglas MacArthur]]''' ([[January 26|26 January]] [[1880]] – [[April 5|5 April]] [[1964]]) was an American [[w:Five-star rank|five-star]] general and [[w:Field marshal (Philippines)|Field Marshal]] of the [[w:Philippine Army|Philippine Army]]. He was [[w:Chief of Staff of the United States Army|Chief of Staff of the United States Army]] during the 1930s and played a prominent role in the [[w:Pacific War|Pacific theater]] during [[World War II]], and in the [[Korean War]]. He received the [[w:Medal of Honor|Medal of Honor]] for his service in the [[w:Philippines Campaign (1941–42)|Philippines Campaign]], which made him and his father [[w:Arthur MacArthur, Jr.|Arthur MacArthur, Jr.]], the first father and son to be awarded the medal. He was one of only five men ever to rise to the rank of [[w:General of the Army (United States)|General of the Army]] in the [[w:US Army|US Army]], and the only man ever to become a field marshal in the Philippine Army. == Quotes == [[File:Douglas MacArthur lands Leyte1.jpg|thumb|I have returned.]] [[File:MacArthur(2).jpg|thumb|"[[Duty]], [[Honor]], [[Country]]" — those three hallowed [[words]] reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be.]] [[File:U.S. Military Academy Coat of Arms.svg|thumb|They are your rallying point to build [[courage]] when courage seems to fail, to regain [[faith]] when there seems to be little cause for faith, to create [[hope]] when hope becomes forlorn.]] [[File:Army - Medal of Honor (16700822907).jpg|thumb|[[Americans]] never quit.]] [[File:DouglasMacArthur1945.jpg|thumb|I [[know]] [[war]] as few other men now [[living]] know it, and [[nothing]] to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete [[abolition]], as its very destructiveness on both [[friend]] and [[foe]] has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes … But once war is forced upon us, there is no other alternative than to apply every available means to bring it to a swift end.]] [[File:Mission Accomplished banner on the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN-72) (1).jpg|thumb|War's very object is victory, not prolonged indecision. In war there is no substitute for victory.]] [[File:USA C-4627 (Color) (23407419523) (restored).jpg|thumb|We have known the bitterness of defeat and the exultation of triumph, and from both we have learned there can be no turning back. We must go forward to preserve in peace what we won in war.]] [[File:ROKAF F-51D.JPEG|thumb|The magnificence of the courage and fortitude of the Korean people defies description.<br> They have chosen to risk death rather than slavery.]] [[File:United States Military Academy, Jefferson Hall at West Point Stairs.jpg|thumb|Sentimentalism has muddled many problems, has settled none. Intellect is a man's only hope for improvement over his present state.]] [[File:Newwpcs.jpg|thumb|High honors have come my way, but I shall always believe that my greatest honor was being a West Point graduate. The Military Academy has taught me many things, some of them not within the covers of books or written by any man.]] [[File:USMA Aerial View Looking North.jpg|thumb|As I was leaving the hotel this morning, a doorman asked me, "Where are you headed, General?" and when I replied, "[[United States Military Academy|West Point]]," he remarked, "Beautiful place. Have you ever been there before?"]] * '''It was close; but that's the way it is in war. You win or lose, live or die — and the difference is just an eyelash.''' ** To Gen. Richard Sutherland after their flight over Japanese held territory to reach Australia (17 March 1942), as quoted in ''MacArthur and the War Against Japan'' (1944) by Frazier Hunt, p. 71<!-- also in ''Life'' magazine, Vol. 57, No. 2 (10 July 1964), p. 70 --> * '''I came out of Bataan and I shall return!''' ** While transferring trains at [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Terowie Terowie, South Australia] regarding the Battle of Philippines (20 March 1942) {{fix cite}}<!-- published where? --> * '''I said, to the [[Filipinos|people of the Philippines]] whence I came, I shall return. Tonight, I repeat those words: I shall return!''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEbwuehH35I After his arrival in Australia from the Philippines] (30 March 1942) * '''I have returned.''' By the grace of Almighty God, our forces stand again on [[Philippines|Philippine]] soil. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wv1PF0tAE1s On landing in Leyte, Philippines] (20 October 1944) * I see that the flagpole still stands. Have your troops hoist the colors to its peak, and let no enemy ever haul them down. ** To Colonel George M. Jones and the 503rd Regimental Combat Team, who recaptured Corregidor (2 March 1945), as quoted in ''Bureau of Navigation News Bulletin'' (1945), p. 40 * It seems strangely difficult for some to realize that here in [[Asia]] is where the [[Communism|Communist]] [[Conspiracy|conspirators]] have elected to make their play for [[World domination|global conquest]], and that we have joined the issue thus raised on the battlefield; that here we fight [[Europe]]’s war with arms while the diplomats there still fight it with words; that if we lose the war to communism in Asia the fall of Europe is inevitable, win it and Europe most probably would avoid war and yet preserve [[freedom]]. As you pointed out, we must win. '''There is no substitute for victory.''' ** Letter to Representative Joseph W. Martin, Jr., (20 March 1951); read to the House by Martin on April 5. * '''I shall raise my [[voice]] as loud and as often as I [[believe]] it to be in the interest of the [[American]] [[people]].''' I shall dedicate all of my energies to restoring to American life those immutable [[principles]] and [[ideals]] which your forebears and mine handed down to us in [[sacred]] [[trust]]. I shall assist in the regaining of that [[moral]] base for both public and private life which will restore the people's [[faith]] in the [[integrity]] of public [[institutions]] and the private [[faith]] of every man in the integrity of his neighbor.<br /> '''I shall set my course to the [[end]] that no man need [[fear]] to [[speak]] the [[truth]].''' I could not do less, for the [[opportunities]] for [[service]] my [[country]] has given me and the [[honors]] it has conferred upon me have imposed an [[obligation]] which is not discharged by the termination of public service. <br /> Much that I have seen since my return to my native land after an absence of many years has filled me with immeasurable [[satisfaction]] and [[pride]]. Our [[material]] [[progress]] has been little short of [[phenomenal]]. <br /> It has established an eminence in material [[strength]] so far in advance of any other [[nation]] or combination of nations that '''[[talk]] of imminent [[threat]] to our [[national security]] through the application of external [[force]] is pure [[nonsense]]. <br /> It is not of any external threat that I [[concern]] myself but rather of insidious forces working from within which have already so drastically [[altered]] the [[character]] of our [[free]] institutions — those institutions which formerly we hailed as something beyond question or [[challenge]] — those institutions we [[proudly]] called the [[American way]] of [[life]].''' ** Address to the Massachusetts legislature, Boston, Massachusetts (25 July 1951), as published in ''The General and the President'' (1951), by Richard Halworth Rovere<!-- ; republished as ''The MacArthur Controversy'' (1965) and ''General MacArthur and President Truman: The Struggle for Control of American Foreign Policy''(1992), p. 315 -->; also in [http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,856843,00.html ''Time'' (6 August 1951)], and ''General MacArthur Speeches and Reports 1908-1964'' (2000) by Ed Imparato, p. 180 ** Variant: ** '''Talk of imminent threat to our national security through the application of external force is pure nonsense.''' Our threat is from the insidious forces working from within which have already so drastically altered the character of our free institutions — those institutions we proudly called the American way of life. *** Speech to the Michigan legislature, in Lansing, Michigan (15 May 1952), published in ''General MacArthur Speeches and Reports 1908-1964'' (2000) by Edward T. Imparato, p. 206 * '''It is part of the general pattern of misguided policy that our country is now geared to an arms economy which was bred in an artificially induced psychosis of war hysteria and nurtured upon an incessant propaganda of fear.''' While such an economy may produce a sense of seeming prosperity for the moment, it rests on an illusionary foundation of complete unreliability and renders among our political leaders almost a greater fear of peace than is their fear of war. ** Speech to the Michigan legislature, in Lansing, Michigan (15 May 1952), published in ''General MacArthur Speeches and Reports 1908-1964'' (2000) by Edward T. Imparato, p. 206, much of this was used in speeches of 1951, as quoted in ''The Twenty-year Revolution from Roosevelt to Eisenhower'' (1954) by Chesly Manly, p. 3, and ''Total Insecurity : The Myth Of American Omnipotence'' (2004) by Carol Brightman, p. 182<!-- ''The New Isolationism : A Study in Politics and Foreign Policy Since 1950'' (1956) by N. A. Graebner --> * Only those are fit to live who are not afraid of dying. ** ''Richards Topical Encyclopedia'' (1951) * '''"[[Duty]], [[Honor]], [[Countries|Country]]" — those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying point to build [[courage]] when courage seems to fail, to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith, to create hope when hope becomes forlorn'''... In my dreams I hear again the crash of guns, the rattle of musketry, the strange, mournful mutter of the battlefield. But in the evening of my memory always I come back to [[United States Military Academy|West Point]]. Always there echoes and re-echoes: Duty, Honor, Country. Today marks my final roll call with you. But I want you to know that when I cross the river, my last conscious thoughts will be of the [[United States Marine Corps|Corps]], and the Corps, and the Corps. I bid you farewell. ** [[w:Sylvanus Thayer Award|Sylvanus Thayer Award]] [[wikisource:Duty, honor, country|acceptance speech]] to the cadets of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, New York (12 May 1962) * Rules are mostly made to be broken and are too often for the lazy to hide behind. ** Reported in William A. Ganoe, ''MacArthur Close-Up'' (1962), p. 137 * '''Could I have but a line a century hence crediting a contribution to the advance of peace, I would gladly yield every honor which has been accorded me in war.''' ** ''Macarthur and the American Century: A Reader'' (2001) edited by William M Leary * The [[Puerto Rico|Puerto Ricans]] forming the ranks of the gallant 65th Infantry on the battlefields of [[Korea]] … are writing a brilliant record of achievement in battle and I am proud indeed to have them in this command. I wish that we might have many more like them. ** [http://www.valerosos.com/HonorandFidelity3.html#The_Korean_War:_1950 Quoted on 12 February 1951 in Tokyo] * Our swollen budgets constantly have been misrepresented to the public. '''[[Federal government of the United States|Our government]] has kept us in a perpetual state of [[fear]] — kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor — with the cry of grave national emergency. Always there has been some terrible [[evil]] at home or some monstrous foreign power that was going to gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the exorbitant funds demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real.''' ** Address to the Annual Stockholders Sperry Rand Corporation (30 July 1957), as published in ''General MacArthur Speeches and Reports 1908-1964'' (2000) by Edward T. Imparato, p. 206 <!-- also in ''A Soldier Speaks : Public Papers and Speeches of General of the Army Douglas MacArthur'' --> ===1920s=== * '''Americans never quit.''' ** Comment as president of the American Olympic committee when the manager of the American boxing team in the 1928 Olympic games wanted to withdraw the team because of what he thought was an unfair decision against an American boxer; reported in ''The New York Times'' (August 9, 1928), p. 13. ===1940s=== * The history of failure in war can almost be summed up in two words: 'Too late.' Too late in comprehending the deadly purpose of a potential enemy; too late in realizing the mortal danger; too late in preparedness; too late in uniting all possible forces for resistance, too late in standing with one's friends. Victory in war results from no mysterious alchemy or wizardry but depends entirely upon the concentration of superior force at the critical points of combat. ** Statement MacArthur made in 1940, as quoted by James B. Reston in ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 64 * The [[Soldiers|soldier]], be he friend or foe, is charged with the protection of the weak and unarmed. It is the very essence and reason for his being. When he violates this sacred trust, he not only profanes his entire cult but threatens the very fabric of international society. The traditions of fighting men are long and honorable. They are based upon the noblest of human traits—[[sacrifice]]. ** From a 1946 statement by MacArthur confirming the death sentence imposed by a U. S. military commission on Japanese [[w:Tomoyuki_Yamashita|General Tomoyuki Yamashita]], as quoted in MacArthur's ''Reminscences'' (McGraw-Hill, 1964) p. 295. Also used as the epigraph to [[w:Telford Taylor|Telford Taylor's]] ''Nuremberg and Vietnam: An American Tragedy'' (New York: Bantam, 1970). * We must not inadvertently slip into the same condition internally as the one which we fight externally. Like [[Abraham Lincoln]], '''I am a firm believer in the people and, if given the truth, they can be depended on to meet any national crisis. The point is to bring before them the real facts.''' ** As quoted in [https://news.google.com/newspapers?id=d90-AAAAIBAJ&sjid=AU0MAAAAIBAJ&dq=firm-believer-in-the-people&pg=5426%2C4219776 The Tuscaloosa News, April 14, 1944, p. 3] ** A slightly differently worded quote is also apparently cited in The Riddle of MacArthur, by John Gunther, New York: Harper, 1950, p. 61. See [[Abraham_Lincoln#Misattributed|Wikiquote: Abraham Lincoln: Misattributed quotes]] ==== Victory broadcast (1945) ==== :<small>[http://www.freedomdocuments.com/macarthur.html Radio broadcast after the surrender of the Japan] on the battleship [[w:USS Missouri|USS ''Missouri'']] officially ending World War II (2 September 1945) </small> * '''Today the guns are silent. A great tragedy has ended. A great victory has been won.''' The skies no longer rain with death — the seas bear only commerce — men everywhere walk upright in the sunlight. The entire world lies quietly at peace. The holy mission has been completed. And in reporting this to you, the people, I speak for the thousands of silent lips, forever stilled among the jungles and the beaches and in the deep waters of the Pacific which marked the way. * '''We have known the bitterness of defeat and the exultation of triumph, and from both we have learned there can be no turning back. We must go forward to preserve in peace what we won in war.''' <br> A new era is upon us. Even the lesson of victory itself brings with it profound concern, both for our future security and the survival of civilization. The destructiveness of the war potential, through progressive advances in scientific discovery, has in fact now reached a point which revises the traditional concepts of war. * '''Men since the beginning of time have sought peace.''' Various methods through the ages have been attempted to devise an international process to prevent or settle disputes between nations. From the very start workable methods were found in so far as individual citizens were concerned, but the mechanics of an instrumentality of larger international scope have never been successful. Military alliances, balances of power, Leagues of Nations, all in turn failed, leaving the only path to be by way of the crucible of war. The utter destructiveness of war now blocks out this alternative. We have had our last chance. '''If we will not devise some greater and more equitable system, Armageddon will be at our door.''' * We stand in [[Tokyo]] today reminiscent of our countryman, Commodore Perry, ninety-two years ago. His purpose was to bring to [[Japan]] an era of enlightenment and progress, by lifting the veil of isolation to the friendship, trade, and [[commerce]] of the world. But alas the knowledge thereby gained of western science was forged into an instrument of oppression and human enslavement. [[Freedom of expression]], freedom of action, even [[freedom of thought]] were denied through appeal to [[superstition]], and through the application of force. We are committed by the Potsdam Declaration of principles to see that the Japanese people are liberated from this condition of slavery. … To the Pacific basin has come the vista of a new emancipated world. '''Today, freedom is on the offensive, democracy is on the march.''' Today, in Asia as well as in Europe, unshackled peoples are tasting the full sweetness of liberty, the relief from fear. *Let us pray that peace be now restored to the world and that God will preserve it always ===1950s=== ==== Farewell address to Congress (1951) ==== :<small>[http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurfarewelladdress.htm Farewell address to a Joint Session of Congress] (19 April 1951) (with MPEG audio)</small> * I stand on this rostrum with a sense of deep humility and great pride — humility in the weight of those great American architects of [[History of the United States|our history]] who have stood here before me; pride in the reflection that this home of legislative debate represents human liberty in the purest form yet devised. * '''Here are centered the hopes and aspirations and faith of the entire human race. I do not stand here as advocate for any partisan cause, for the issues are fundamental and reach quite beyond the realm of partisan consideration. They must be resolved on the highest plane of national interest if our course is to prove sound and our future protected.''' I trust, therefore, that you will do me the justice of receiving that which I have to say as solely expressing the considered viewpoint of a fellow American. * '''I address you with neither rancor nor bitterness in the fading twilight of life, with but one purpose in mind: to serve my country. The issues are global and so interlocked that to consider the problems of one sector, oblivious to those of another, is but to court disaster for the whole.''' While Asia is commonly referred to as the Gateway to Europe, it is no less true that Europe is the Gateway to Asia, and the broad influence of the one cannot fail to have its impact upon the other. * In this situation, it becomes vital that our own country orient its policies in consonance with this basic evolutionary condition rather than pursue a course blind to the reality that the colonial era is now past and the Asian peoples covet the right to shape their own free destiny. What they seek now is friendly guidance, understanding, and support — not imperious direction — the dignity of equality and not the shame of subjugation. * The Pacific no longer represents menacing avenues of approach for a prospective invader. It assumes, instead, the friendly aspect of a peaceful lake. Our line of defense is a natural one and can be maintained with a minimum of military effort and expense. * [[China]], up to 50 years ago, was completely non-homogenous, being compartmented into groups divided against each other. The war-making tendency was almost non-existent, as they still followed the tenets of the [[Confucius|Confucian]] ideal of pacifist culture. At the turn of the century, under the regime of [[w:Zhang_Zuolin|Chang Tso Lin]], efforts toward greater homogeneity produced the start of a [[Nationalism|nationalist]] urge. This was further and more successfully developed under the leadership of [[Chiang Kai-shek|Chiang Kai-Shek]], but has been brought to its greatest fruition under the present regime to the point that it has now taken on the character of a united nationalism of increasingly dominant, aggressive tendencies. * The Japanese people, since the war, have undergone the greatest reformation recorded in modern history. With a commendable will, eagerness to learn, and marked capacity to understand, they have, from the ashes left in war's wake, erected in Japan an edifice dedicated to the supremacy of individual liberty and personal dignity; and in the ensuing process there has been created a truly representative government committed to the advance of political morality, freedom of economic enterprise, and social justice. Politically, economically, and socially Japan is now abreast of many free nations of the earth and will not again fail the universal trust... I sent all four of our occupation divisions to the Korean battlefront without the slightest qualms as to the effect of the resulting power vacuum upon Japan. The results fully justified my faith. I know of no nation more serene, orderly, and industrious, nor in which higher hopes can be entertained for future constructive service in the advance of the human race. * While I was not consulted prior to the President's decision to intervene in support of the [[Republic of Korea]], that decision from a military standpoint, proved a sound one, as we hurled back the invader and decimated his forces. Our victory was complete, and our objectives within reach, when Red China intervened with numerically superior ground forces. * While no man in his right mind would advocate sending our ground forces into continental China, and such was never given a thought, the new situation did urgently demand a drastic revision of strategic planning if our political aim was to defeat this new enemy as we had defeated the old. * We could hold in Korea by constant maneuver and in an approximate area where our supply line advantages were in balance with the supply line disadvantages of the enemy, but we could hope at best for only an indecisive campaign with its terrible and constant attrition upon our forces if the enemy utilized its full military potential. '''I have constantly called for the new political decisions essential to a solution.<br> Efforts have been made to distort my position. It has been said, in effect, that I was a warmonger. ''Nothing'' could be further from the truth. I know war as few other men now living know it, and nothing to me is more revolting. I have long advocated its complete abolition, as its very destructiveness on both friend and foe has rendered it useless as a means of settling international disputes. … But once war is forced upon us, there is no other alternative than to apply every available means to bring it to a swift end.''' * War's very object is victory, not prolonged indecision. '''In war there is no substitute for victory.''' * There are some who, for varying reasons, would appease Red China. They are blind to history's clear lesson, for history teaches with unmistakable emphasis that appeasement but begets new and bloodier war. It points to no single instance where this end has justified that means, where appeasement has led to more than a sham peace. Like blackmail, it lays the basis for new and successively greater demands until, as in blackmail, violence becomes the only other alternative. * The tragedy of Korea is further heightened by the fact that its military action is confined to its territorial limits. It condemns that nation, which it is our purpose to save, to suffer the devastating impact of full naval and air bombardment while the enemy's sanctuaries are fully protected from such attack and devastation. Of the nations of the world, Korea alone, up to now, is the sole one which has risked its all against communism. '''The magnificence of the courage and fortitude of the [[Korean people]] defies description.'''<br> '''They have chosen to risk death rather than slavery.''' Their last words to me were: "Don't scuttle the Pacific!" * I am closing my 52 years of military service. When I joined the Army, even before the turn of the century, it was the fulfillment of all of my boyish hopes and dreams. The world has turned over many times since I took the oath on the plain at West Point, and the hopes and dreams have long since vanished, but '''I still remember the refrain of one of the most popular barrack ballads of that day which proclaimed most proudly that "old soldiers never die; they just fade away." <br>And like the old soldier of that ballad, I now close my military career and just fade away, an old soldier who tried to do his duty as God gave him the light to see that duty.''' ** [[Media:Macarthurjustfadeaway.ogg|Audio clip (ogg format)]] ==== Speech to the Texas Legislature ==== * '''I am concerned for the [[National security|security of our great Nation]]; not so much because of any potential threat from without, but because of the insidious forces working from within which, opposed to all of our great traditions, have gravely weakened the structure and tone of our American way of life.''' ** Austin, Texas (13 June 1951); as published in [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:BookSources/1563115891 ''General MacArthur Speeches and Reports 1908-1964''], ed. Edward T. Imparato, Turner Publishing Company (2000), p.175 ===1960s=== ====Remarks on receiving the 1962 Sylvanus Thayer Award at the United States Military Academy<ref name=ThayerAward-1962>{{cite web|accessdate=July 4, 2025 |url=https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/douglasmacarthurthayeraward.html|first=General Douglas|last=MacArthur |title=General Douglas MacArthur - Sylvanus Thayer Award Acceptance Address|date=May 12, 1962|location=West Point, NY|work=Top 100 Speeches|publisher=American Rhetoric}}</ref>==== :"No human being could fail to be deeply moved by such a tribute as this [Thayer Award]. Coming from a profession I have served so long, and a people I have loved so well, it fills me with an emotion I cannot express. But this award is not intended primarily to honor a personality, but to symbolize a great moral code -- the code of conduct and chivalry of those who guard this beloved land of culture and ancient descent. That is the animation of this medallion. For all eyes and for all time, it is an expression of the ethics of the American soldier. That I should be integrated in this way with so noble an ideal arouses a sense of pride and yet of humility which will be with me always." :"Duty, Honor, Country: Those three hallowed words reverently dictate what you ought to be, what you can be, what you will be. They are your rallying points: to build courage when courage seems to fail; to regain faith when there seems to be little cause for faith; to create hope when hope becomes forlorn." :* From MacArthur's acceptance speech for the 1962 Sylvanus Thayer Award, May 12, 1962 at the United States Military Academy. ====Remarks on MacArthur's 84th birthday with West Point cadets==== :'''High honors have come my way, but I shall always believe that my greatest honor was being a West Point graduate. The Military Academy has taught me many things, some of them not within the covers of books or written by any man.''' :The first of these is [[tolerance]]: not to debase or deprive those from whom one may differ by character or custom, by race or color or distinction. :The second is balance: a sense of proportion and ability to put first things first. A realization that there is a time and place for everything, but a recognition of the old maxim "nothing too much"- what the ancients meant by the "golden mean". :The third is intelligence, rather than sentiment or emotion. '''Sentimentalism has muddled many problems, has settled none. Intellect is a man's only hope for improvement over his present state.''' :And last, but by no means least, is courage: moral courage- the courage of one's convictions- the courage to see a thing through. This is not easy. The world is in constant conspiracy against the brave. It is the age-old struggle of the roar of the crowd on one side and the voice of your conscience on the other. :Tolerance, balance, intelligence, courage. These should be the hallmarks of every graduate of the Military Academy at West Point. :* From MacArthur's remarks to a delegation of cadets from the United States Military Academy at West Point on the occasion of MacArthur's eighty-fourth birthday, on January 26, 1964. Since MacArthur's retirement from active duty in 1952, West Point had maintained a tradition of sending cadets to visit MacArthur on his birthday each year. Their visit in 1964 was the last. As quoted in ''A Soldier Speaks: Public Papers and Speeches of General of the Army Douglas MacArthur'' (1965), edited by Vorin E. Whan, Jr., p. 366-367 == ''Reminiscences'' (1964) == * These reminiscences are neither history, biography nor a diary, although they comprise something of each of these categories. What is presented is far from a complete account even of all of the incidents in which I had a part, but merely my recollections of events, refreshed by a reference to my own memoranda and a free use of staff studies and historical records made under my direction and supervision. It may assist the future historian when he seeks to account for the motives and reasons which influenced some of the actions in the great drama of war. It is also my hope that it will prove of some interest to the rising generations, who may learn thereform that a country and government such as ours is worth fighting for, and dying for, if need be. ** p. v * In preparing this record, penned by my own hand, of my life and my participation in our great struggles for national existence, human liberty and political equality, I make no pretence to literary merit. The motive that induces me is not authorship. The import of the subject matter of my narrative is my only claim to attention. The statements of facts are a matter of documentary evidence. The comments are my own and show how I saw the matters treated of, whether others saw them in the same light or not. Respectfully dedicating this work to the millions of armed men and devoted women who participated in the great wars of this country, I leave it as a heritage to my wife and son. ** p. vi * Late in the war, [[George C. Marshall|General Marshall]], while returning from an Allied conference between [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Roosevelt]], [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]], and [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] at Tehran, stopped over a day in the Southwest Pacific Area. We had a long and frank discussion. I called attention to the paucity of men and materiel that I was receiving as compared with all other theaters of war. He said he realized the imbalance and regretted it, but could do little to alter the low priority accorded the area. He said: ::[[Ernest King|Admiral King]] claimed the Pacific as the rightful domain of the Navy; he seemed to regard the operations there as almost his own private war; he apparently felt that the only way to remove the blot on the Navy disaster at [[Attack on Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]] was to have the Navy command a great victory over [[Japan during World War II|Japan]]; he was adamant in his refusal to allow any major fleet to be under other command than that of naval officers although maintaining that naval officers were competent to command ground or air forces; he resented the prominent part I had in the Pacific War; he was vehement in his personal criticism of me and encouraged Navy propaganda to that end; he had the complete support of President Roosevelt and his Chief of Staff, [[William D. Leahy|Admiral Leahy]], and in many cases of [[Henry H. Arnold|General Arnold]], the head of the Air Force. :* p. 183 * The days of the frontal attack are over. Modern infantry weapons are too deadly, and frontal assault is only for mediocre commanders. Good commanders do not turn in heavy losses. ** p. 198 * In the last fifteen days of the war, my Fifth and Seventh Air Forces flew 6,732 sorties against [[Kyushu]] alone. Thus, with a deafening roar of blasting bombs, Kenney's Far East air forces culminated their blows against Japan. During the last seven and a half months of the war, their planes destroyed 2,846,932 tons of shipping and 1,375 enemy aircraft, dropped 100,000 tons of bombs, and flew over 150,00 sorties. ** p. 265 * The [[President of the United States|President]]'s party arrived in three planes with thirty-five reporters and photographers. As I shook hands with [[Harry S. Truman|Mr. Truman]], he remarked, "I've been a long time meeting you, General." I replied, "I hope it won't be so long next time." But there was never to be a next time. ** p. 361 * I had been warned about Mr. Truman's quick and violent temper and prejudices, but he radiated nothing but courtesy and good humor during our meeting. He has an engaging personality, a quick and witty tongue, and I liked him from the start. At the conference itself, he seemed to take great pride in his historical knowledge, but, it seemed to me that in spite of his having read much, it was of a superficial character, encompassing facts without the logic and reasoning dictating those facts. Of the Far East he knew little, presenting a strange combination of distorted history and vague hopes that somehow, some way, we could do something to help those struggling against Communism. ** p. 361 * The object and practice of [[liberty]] lies in the limitation of governmental power. Through the ages the constantly expanding grasp of government has been liberty's greatest threat. ** p. 417 *There are many who have lost faith in this early American ideal and believe in a form of [[Socialism|socialistic]], [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] rule, a sort of big brother deity to run our lives for us. They no longer believe that free men can successfully manage their own affairs. Their thesis is that a handful of men, centered in [[government]], largely [[Bureaucracy|bureaucratic]] not [[Elections|elected]], can utilize the proceeds of our toil and labor to greater advantage than those who create it. Nowhere in the history of the human race is there justification for this reckless faith in political power. It is the oldest, most reactionary of all forms of social organization. It was tried out in [[Babylon|ancient Babylon]], [[ancient Greece]] and [[ancient Rome]]; in [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]]'s [[Italy]], in [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s [[Nazi Germany|Germany]], and in all communist countries. Wherever and whenever it has been attempted, it has failed utterly to provide economic security, and has generally ended in national disaster. It embraces an essential idiocy, that individuals who, as private [[Citizenship|citizens]], are not to manage the disposition of their own earnings, become in public office supermen who can manage the affairs of the world. ** p. 418 * '''As I was leaving the hotel this morning, a doorman asked me, "Where are you headed, General?" and when I replied, "West Point," he remarked, "Beautiful place. Have you ever been there before?"''' ** p. 423 == Quotes about MacArthur == :<small>Alphabetized by author </small> [[File:Statute and MacAuthur memorial front 001.jpeg|thumb|The best and the worst things you hear about him are both true. ~ [[Thomas Blamey]]]] [[File:The Chair of Saint Peter adjusted.JPG|thumb|What's the difference between Douglas MacArthur and God? God doesn't think he's Douglas MacArthur. ~ Anonymous]] [[File:"WE SHALL NOT LET HIM DOWN" - NARA - 516083.jpg|thumb| The man was clearly fallible, but the [[legend]] was not. In the dark days of early 1942, when rallying cries and [[heroes]] were in short supply, the legend had to be preserved at all costs. [[FDR]] knew it. [[William D. Leahy|Leahy]] appears to have blindly affirmed it. [[Ernest King|King]], [[Nimitz]] and [[William Halsey Jr.|Halsey]] would all come to grips with it in their own ways. But for now, [[America]] desperately needed a hero, and Douglas MacArthur was the man of the hour. ~ [[Walter R. Borneman]]]] [[File:General Douglas MacArthur and aide (4925640726).jpg|thumb| The general American public, still stunned by the shock of Pearl Harbor and uncertain what lay ahead in Europe, desperately needed a hero, they wholeheartedly embraced Douglas MacArthur … There simply were no other choices that came close to matching his mystique, not to mention his evocative lone-wolf stand—something that has always resonated with Americans. ~ [[Walter R. Borneman]]]] [[File:General Mark W. Clark (cropped).jpg|thumb|MacArthur's dismissal was not exactly unexpected in view of his feud with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. However, like most other officers in the Army, I was shocked at the abrupt termination of such a distinguished career. ~ [[Mark W. Clark]]]] [[File:EnochCrowder1.jpg|thumb|Arthur MacArthur was the most flamboyantly egotistical man I had ever seen, until I met his son. ~ [[Enoch Crowder]]]] [[File:Dwight D Eisenhower.jpg|thumb|Spent the entire day preparing drafts of president's messages to MacArthur and Quezon. Long, difficult, and irritating. Both are babies. ~ [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]]]] [[File:Olive wreath.svg|thumb|In this man is the uncompromising will to win, and the character and integrity to lead his country to victory on the battlefields of the world. The respect of the world is his. Men and nations know that when others may fail they can always turn to him for leadership and victory. ~ [[Frazier Hunt]]]] [[File:General William Westmoreland and President Lyndon B. Johnson in the Oval Office - NARA - 192557 (retouched).tiff|thumb|[[William Westmoreland|General]], I have a lot riding on you. I hope you don't pull a MacArthur on me. ~ [[Lyndon B. Johnson]]]] [[File:George Patton IV DF-ST-84-01686.JPEG|thumb|He was a superb leader and was probably the greatest general this country has ever produced. ~ [[George S. Patton IV|George S. Patton, IV]]]] [[File:LTG Maxwell Taylor USMA Supe.jpg|thumb|Certainly no graduate has left greater evidence of deep affection for West Point and the Corps than MacArthur, but the cadets saw little of this during his superintendency. ~ [[Maxwell D. Taylor]]]] [[File:HarryTruman.jpg|thumb|I fired him because he wouldn't respect the authority of the president. That's the answer to that. I didn't fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was, but that's not against the law for generals. If it was, half to three-quarters of them would be in jail. ~ [[Harry S. Truman]]]] [[File:Margaret Truman.jpg|thumb|It was Harry S. Truman who had a policy. General MacArthur was nothing more than a collection of disorganized ideas. ~ Margaret Truman]] * Dugout Doug MacArthur lies ashaking on the Rock <br /> Safe from all the bombers and from any sudden shock <br /> Dugout Doug is eating of the best food on Bataan <br /> And his troops go starving on. ** Anonymous, excerpt from "Dugout Dug", a derogatory poem about MacArthur that circulated during the siege of the Bataan peninsula in the Philippines in 1942. The words were at some point matched with the melody of "Battle Hymn of the Republic," but who originally wrote them is unknown. * '''What's the difference between Douglas MacArthur and [[God]]? God doesn't think he's Douglas MacArthur.''' ** Anonymous, popular World War II-era joke told about MacArthur regarding his notorious ego. * Leahy had no part in the decision to relieve MacArthur, which came as a considerable shock to him, for he had known and liked the brilliant general for over fifty years, even though he had deplored his theatrical ways. He never questioned the president's authority and he felt he was not sufficiently informed to make a judgment on the question of MacArthur's relief. He wrote, somewhat mildly that the "detachment of MacArthur will stimulate aggressive political opposition by the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican]] member of Congress." ** Henry H. Adams, ''Witness to Power: The Life of Fleet Admiral William D. Leahy'' (1985), p. * '''The best and the worst things you hear about him are both true.''' ** Field Marshal Sir [[Thomas Blamey]], the only Australian Army officer ever to rise to the rank of field marshal, as quoted in ''Blamey, Controversial Soldier: a Biography of Field Marshal Sir Thomas Blamey'' (1973) by John Hetherington, p. 223 * On a raw November day in 1863, the Twenty-Fourth Wisconsin formed beneath Missionary Ridge outside Chattanooga, Tennessee. Union troops were trying to lift the siege of the town, but [[Confederate States of America|Confederate]] defenders were proving stubborn. Quite suddenly, without orders, [[Union (United States)|Union]] regiments in the center of the line began to move up the ridge. When their wild advance was over, among the battle flags atop the crest was the standard of the Twenty-Fourth Wisconsin, carried there by its eighteen-year-old "boy colonel," [[w:Arthur_MacArthur|Arthur MacArthur]], whose son, Douglas, would spend most of his own military career trying to emulate his father's charge. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''The Admirals: Nimitz, Halsey, Leahy and King — The Five-Star Admirals Who Won the War at Sea'' (2012), p. 13 * Popular perception has long suggested that FDR favored the Navy over the Army, but when it came to budgets, deployments, and promotions, he was evenhanded as a commander in chief. On an emotional level, however, Roosevelt's combination inspection-fishing-vacation trips — such as he enjoyed aboard the cruiser Houston — were among his favorite occasions. And his long-standing relationships with the Navy's admirals, particularly the duty-minded Leahy, made him more comfortable having them around. This contrast is underscored by remembering that the Army Chief of Staff from 1930 to 1935 was Douglas MacArthur. The general was still trying to emulate his father's advance up to Missionary Ridge during the [[American Civil War|Civil War]], and his visits to the White House often took on the aura of a state visit. FDR was not intimidated by MacArthur — or anyone else — but neither was he terribly comfortable with him. When MacArthur left [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] for the [[Philippines]] and Malin Craig, whom Roosevelt did not know well, became Army Chief of Staff, it was only natural that Roosevelt gravitated toward the loyal and understated Leahy as his chief military adviser. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''The Admirals'' (2012), p. 167 * Nine hours later, after other [[Japan during World War II|Japanese]] air attacks against northern Luzon were reported, several hundred Mitsubishi bombers and Zero fighters roared over Clark Field outside Manila and destroyed the bulk of American airpower in the Philippines — MacArthur's air force — as it sat on the ground. Even after years of increasingly hostile Japanese intentions and fair evidence that something was building to a head in the Far East, some might be tempted to forgive MacArthur for being the victim of a surprise attack. But how could he still have his airplanes lined up wingtip to wingtip nine hours after being notified of the attack on Pearl Harbor? Two days later, with the Philippine skies largely void of defending planes, another Japanese air attack destroyed the American naval base at Cavite. MacArthur "might have made a better showing at the beaches and passes, and certainly he should have saved his planes on December 8," a newly appointed brigadier general who had long served as the general's aide confided to his diary. "But," wrote [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], "he's still the hero." '''The man was clearly fallible, but the legend was not. In the dark days of early 1942, when rallying cries and heroes were in short supply, the legend had to be preserved at all costs.''' FDR knew it. [[William D. Leahy|Leahy]] appears to have blindly affirmed it. [[Ernest King|King]], [[Chester W. Nimitz|Nimitz]] and [[William Halsey Jr.|Halsey]] would all come to grips with it in their own ways. But for now, '''America desperately needed a hero, and Douglas MacArthur was the man of the hour.''' ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''The Admirals'' (2012), p. 227 * Douglas MacArthur never acknowledged the basic tenet of [[United States Constitution|American constitutional government]]: that the military is subordinate to civilian control. He moved quite easily between civil and military worlds because he saw himself at the apex of both. Indeed, Douglas MacArthur fought many military and political battles over the course of his career- winning some, losing others- but his greatest loss came in a campaign he waged his entire life: the one against himself. He was brilliant, charismatic, and decisive, but he was also manipulative, deceitful, and as egocentric as any military leader in American history- the "George trio" of [[w:George_McClellan|George McClellan]], [[w:George_Armstrong_Custer|George Armstrong Custer]], and [[George S. Patton]] being his only close competition. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''MacArthur at War: World War II in the Pacific' (2016), p. 506-507 * Ironically, during four years of war, MacArthur may have owed the most to the very people he was certain were out to discredit and disparage him. While never among his fans, [[Franklin D. Roosevelt|Franklin Roosevelt]] and [[George C. Marshall|George Marshall]] nonetheless consistently supported MacArthur within the framework of their global priorities, from the first efforts to resupply the Philippines to MacArthur's appointment as Allied supreme commander. Even then, where would MacArthur's Southwest Pacific Area have been had not Ernie King urged the Joint Chiefs to pour resources into the Pacific and wage a two-front war? ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''MacArthur at War'' (2016), p. 507 * On September 2, 1945, after four years of war, one thing was certain about Douglas MacArthur and his place in history. His rhetoric, however hyperbolic at times, and his characterization of events, however embellished his facts, had served to generate an enormous rallying cry for the American people in the dark days of 1942. Responsible though he was for much of the debacle in the Philippines, he had miraculously escaped on presidential orders, and the great majority in the Allied world was left with no doubt that he would return. He was their inspiration, their hope, and their synonym for victory over Japan. They saw only his stage-managed resolve, not the man behind the curtain. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''MacArthur at War'' (2016), p. 507 * MacArthur carried with him an indomitable will to win. It was ingrained in his genes. It was his most laudable quality. There is, as he would say, no substitute for victory, a concept that was much clearer in World War II than it would become even five short years later in Korea. He fit the times perfectly. Douglas MacArthur's most important contribution to history was to be the hero who rallied America and its allies when they were at a low ebb and to become the symbol of determined resolve so desperately needed in the grim months of 1942. It was the role of a lifetime and, publicly, he played it brilliantly. That he came to believe more strongly through this experience in his perception of himself, and through this adulation judged it to be unequivocal, is to his discredit. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''MacArthur at War'' (2016), p. 508 * George Marshall may well have sighed at the results of the March 1945 poll- not at his own place but at MacArthur's. Marshall, more than most, knew the whole story of MacArthur's war. It is a mark of Marshall's own greatness that he so deftly managed MacArthur's fiery comet and unselfishly used its brilliance to accomplish the objectives of a global war. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], ''MacArthur at War'' (2016), p. 508 * Douglas MacArthur has been dead for over fifty years yet he remains one of the most controversial military figures of the twentieth century. His well-polished reputation was far from unanimously accepted among his contemporaries, and a half-century has done nothing to smooth the contradictions of his personality and his career. There remains no middle ground with Douglas MacArthur. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], "Why Did MacArthur Become a Hero? In a Crisis We Are Desperate for Leaders.", ''History News Network'' of the Columbia College of Arts & Sciences at George Washington University (5 May 2016) * Most importantly, in a fragile period of the American psyche when the general American public, still stunned by the shock of Pearl Harbor and uncertain what lay ahead in Europe, desperately needed a hero, they wholeheartedly embraced Douglas MacArthur—good press copy that he was. There simply were no other choices that came close to matching his mystique, not to mention his evocative lone-wolf stand—something that has always resonated with Americans. ** [[Walter R. Borneman]], "Why Did MacArthur Become a Hero? In a Crisis We Are Desperate for Leaders.", ''History News Network'' of the Columbia College of Arts & Sciences at George Washington University (5 May 2016) * So Weinberger reported to MacArthur's headquarters in Brisbane, where he was a very junior officer on the staff of the legendary general. Nonetheless, he saw enough to have a full appreciation of MacArthur's brilliance. "I saw the plans for the invasion of Japan," Weinberger says. "The breadth and scope of MacArthur's brilliance. With very few troops, a couple of understrength divisions, and some Australian militia forces, he accomplished an enormous amount in the Pacific." The young intelligence officer also learned directly from MacArthur about judgment and decision making. Weinberger was on duty one night as American forces were moving on a small island, lightly occupied by the Japanese, to take it for a radio base. Suddenly, there were reports of a Japanese ship and Japanese aircraft in the vicinity. Weinberger thought he'd better take this information directly to MacArthur. "So I walked two blocks to his hotel," Weinberger remembers. "I got through the various security and gave him the message He came out in his bathrobe, looking just as erect and imposing as he did in full uniform, that magnificent posture, deep voice. He looked the message over carefully and said, 'Well, Lieutenant, what do you think?' I said, 'General, I think it's a coincidence that they're there. They don't seem to have hostile intent. I would go ahead with the landing.' General MacArthur said, 'That's what I think, too. Good night.'" Weinberger walked back through the night to his post "in fear and trembling — to see if I was wrong or not. Fortunately, it worked out." ** [[Tom Brokaw]], describing experiences of Caspar Weinberger, 15th U.S. Secretary of Defense, while he was an Army intelligence officer and a member of MacArthur's staff during World War II, in ''The Greatest Generation'' (1998), p. 360 * By the time of the surrender of Corregidor on May 6, MacArthur and his family had escaped to Australia under direct orders from President Roosevelt. (They left Corregidor in the PT boat of Lieutenant John Bulkely, who received the Medal of Honor for his many daring missions in the Philippines in the months from December 8, 1941 to April 10, 1942.) In ordering MacArthur to leave his command, President Roosevelt and General George C. Marshall, his Army Chief of Staff, made a political calculation. They reasoned that an inspirational figure planning a return to his command from [[Australia]] was a much more potent force than a dead hero in the Philippines. In Australia General MacArthur was presented with the Medal of Honor. MacArthur had been personally courageous in the face of the bombing attacks on Corregidor, but he did not get the medal for any single specified act of bravery. His award is one of the few of the war that could be described as "symbolic," in large part because MacArthur's Philippine army was an inspiration to the American people during those dark days. MacArthur himself acknowledged this when he accepted the medal, saying that he felt it was "intended not so much for me personally as it is a recognition of the indomitable courage of the gallant army which it has been my honor to command." (MacArthur's medal came seventy-eight years after his father, Arthur, earned a Medal of Honor for rallying Northern troops on November 25, 1863, at Missionary Ridge, Tennessee, during the Civil War. Together the MacArthurs are the only father and son both to receive the Medal of Honor.) ** ''Above and Beyond: A History of the Medal of Honor From the Civil War to Vietnam'' (1985), by the editors of the Boston Publishing Company, p. 200 * Stepping off in [[Tokyo]], I renewed an old acquaintance with General Douglas MacArthur, then Supreme Commander of the UN Forces. Ours really was an old acquaintanceship dating back to 1910, when my father, Charles C. Clark, then a major of infantry, was attending the Command and General Staff School at Fort Leavenworth, Kansas. MacArthur, then a first lieutenant of engineers, used to visit our house regularly, but at the time of the meeting in Tokyo I hadn't seen him for forty years. As we shook hands, MacArthur asked, "How's your mother? Give her my love; I'm a great admirer of hers." I knew that the general's courtly inquiry would please my mother, who has had her husband or son in every big shoot from the Spanish-American War to Korea. ** [[Mark W. Clark]], ''From The Danube to the Yalu'' (1954), p. 25-26 * MacArthur could not understand why we had permitted the enemy, the [[Chinese Communist Party|Chinese Communists]], to have the advantage of a sanctuary as their base of supply and air operations. He expressed the strong conviction that had we carried the war to the Chinese with air attacks across the Yalu River, or even with the threat of such attacks, the war in Korea would have taken a course far more favorable to the United states and the [[United Nations]]. When the Chinese came into the war, masquerading their best armies as "volunteers," we should have hit them hard, MacArthur said. He said he couldn't conceive that our government would fail to retaliate when a nation came to war against us and crossed over the border into the country in which our troops were in battle. MacArthur was particularly bitter that his government had failed to do everything in its power to protect the American and Allied troops under his command when those men were menaced by the Chinese armies that were hurled into the Korean War. I fully agreed with MacArthur that we should not have allowed the enemy a sanctuary north of the Yalu. I have never changed my opinion. ** [[Mark W. Clark]], ''From the Danube to the Yalu'' (1954), p. 26-27 * It was only two months later that President Truman relieved MacArthur of his command. I was at a camp in the [[Southern United States|Southern states]] on a field-training inspection tour at the time. Someone told me the news as I came out of my billet early in the morning. My first thought was, "I wonder if I'm going to get the job." The answer was yes — but not until about a year later. '''MacArthur's dismissal was not exactly unexpected in view of his feud with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. However, like most other officers in the Army, I was shocked at the abrupt termination of such a distinguished career.''' ** [[Mark W. Clark]], ''From the Danube to the Yalu'' (1954), p. 27 * Arthur MacArthur's importance as a military leader grew as time went on. He became military governor of the Philippines in 1900. As a lieutenant general he served as Assistant Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army in 1906. He retired in 1909. His famous son, Douglas MacArthur, was also a Medal of Honor winner. He became the symbol of American determination to return to the Philippines after their seizure by Japanese forces in World War II. Thus, both father and son were famous generals, both served in the Philippines, and both were awarded the coveted Medal of Honor. ** Donald E. Cooke, ''For Conspicuous Gallantry: Winners of the Medal of Honor'' (1966), p. 87 * '''Arthur MacArthur was the most flamboyantly egotistical man I had ever seen, until I met his son.''' ** [[Enoch Crowder]], aide to Arthur MacArthur, Jr. during the Philippines campaign in 1899, as quoted in ''American Caesar'' by William Manchester, p. 30 * During the war Westerners were told of the "child mind of the Jap conscript." After the war, the same newspapers and magazines spoke of "Seventy Million Problem Children"; and cartoonists had a field day depicting the Japanese as infants in the crib or, more often, children attending General MacArthur's School of Democracy. Such paternalism was unquestionably the essence of MacArthur's attitude toward the Japanese- and Oriental people in general. His guiding philosophy during the occupation, he stated widely in publicized Senate hearings in 1951, after President Truman had recalled him from Asia, had been to treat the Japanese as twelve-year-olds. This was not an incautious remark, for the former supreme commander went on to expound his position at some length, explaining in the process why he believed the Japanese might be more receptive to American-style democratic ideas than the "mature" [[Germans]]. "The German problem is a completely and entirely different one from the Japanese problem," MacArthur informed the senators. "The German people were a mature race. If the [[Anglo-Saxons|Anglo-Saxon]] was say 45 years of age in his development, in the sciences, the arts, divinity, culture, the Germans were quite as mature. The Japanese, however, in spite of their their antiquity measured by time, were in a very tuitionary condition. Measured by the standards of modern civization, they would be like a boy of 12 as compared with our development of 45 years. Like any tuitionary period, they were susceptible to following new models, new ideas. You can implant basic concepts there. They were still close enough to origin to be elastic and acceptable to new concepts..." ** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race & Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 303-304 * In his distinctive way, MacArthur meant this as a compliment of sorts, in that he was attempting to convey why he believed [[democracy]] might take firmer root in postwar Japan than in [[Germany]]. The bluntness of the metaphor embarrassed the general's Japanese admirers, however, and- in one of history's smaller losses- prompted some of them to abandon plans for a [[Statue of Liberty]]-sized statue of the general in Tokyo Bay. The comment was not only a fair reflection of the supreme commander's outlook, however, but also helps illuminate the kind but frequently condescending premises of U.S. occupation policy in general. Such parent-child or teacher-student paternalism was reminiscent of Japan's own now discredited Co-Prosperity Sphere rhetoric, and had obvious roots in the Western colonial tradition exemplified by such phrases as "white man's burden" and "little brown brother". It was certainly not an attitude reserved for the Japanese alone, although MacArthur's imposing paternal presence made it especially conspicuous in the Japanese case. ** John W. Dower, ''War Without Mercy: Race & Power in the Pacific War'' (1986), p. 304 * Another long message on "strategy" to MacArthur. He sent in one extolling the virtues of the flank offensive. Wonder what he thinks we've been studying for all these years. His lecture would be good for plebes. ** Dwight D. Eisenhower in a diary entry on February 8, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 47. "Plebes" refers to new cadets at the United States Military Academy at West Point, the military college that Eisenhower and MacArthur both graduated from. * '''Spent the entire day preparing drafts of president's messages to MacArthur and Quezon. Long, difficult, and irritating. Both are babies.''' ** [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]] in a diary entry on February 9, 1942, as quoted in ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 47 * Message to MacArthur was approved by President and dispatched. I'm dubious about the thing. I cannot help believing that we are disturbed by editorials and reacting to "public opinion" rather than to military logic. "Pa" Watson is certain we must get MacArthur out, as being worth "five army corps." He is doing a good job where he is, but I'm doubtful that he'd do so well in more complicated situations. Bataan is made to order for him. It's in the public eye; it as made him a public hero; it has all the essentials of drama; and he is acknowledged king on the spot. If brought out, public opinion will force him into a position where his love of the limelight may ruin him. ** Dwight D. Eisenhower, on February 23, 1942, ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 49 * Corregidor surrendered last night. Poor Wainwright! He did the fighting... [MacArthur] got such glory as the public could find... MacArthur's tirades, to which TJ and I so often listened to in Manila, would now sound as silly to the public as they then did to us. But he's a hero! Yah. ** Dwight D. Eisenhower, ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 54. "TJ" refers to T.J. Davis, one of MacArthur's aides at the time. * Another Decoration Day finds us still adding to the number of graves that will be decorated in future years. Men are stupid. MacArthur seems to have retired into the Waldorf Towers, from which stronghold he issues statements and occasionally emerges to see a baseball game. The first he does through Whitney — who, I think, is one of the Old Chief's mistakes. I cannot much blame MacA.— I get the impression that he is in a state of "watchful waiting." For what, I wouldn't know, but I do know that in his position I'd be after the bass of Wisconsin, the trout of Wyoming, or vacationing on the beach. Recently I wrote to him — had a nice reply. While I'm determined to stay aloof from all the current snarling and fighting in the United States, I'm most of all determined never to get into the "personality" kind of argument. In that respect the military men (especially including MacA.) have been exemplary. ** Dwight D. Eisenhower, ''The Eisenhower Diaries'' (1981), edited by Robert H. Farrell, p. 193 * General Douglas MacArthur, a 1903 graduate of the Military Academy and former superintendent, was convinced that athletic programs were a key component in cadet development because commissioned officers must rely on teamwork and prompt decision-making on the battlefield. His famous quote, "Upon the fields of friendly strife are sown the seeds that, on other days, will bear the fruits of victory" was prominently displayed at the entrance to Arvin Gymnasium. As superintendent, he directed that all cadets participate in competitive athletics. ** [[Robert F. Foley]], ''Standing Tall: Leadership Lessons in the Life of a Soldier'' (2022), Philadelphia: Casemate, hardcover, p. 126 * While at the preparatory school for the [[United States Military Academy|Military Academy]], I noticed a poster in the supply room that read "Stairway to the Stars." On the first riser was "West Point," on the next "Second Lieutenant," and so forth until, near the top, five stars blazed like a royal diadem. The year was 1953, and some wag had inked in "President" over the stars, obviously referring to Eisenhower. Not to be outdone, another wag added "God" above that, apparently referring to MacArthur. I still laugh at this because there is a grain of truth to most philosophical humor. '''MacArthur was not immortal, but he was one of those rare military figures that will be remembered and written about for millennia.''' ** George M. Hall, ''The Fifth Star: High Command in an Era of Global War'' (1994), p. xii * The one who came closest to Admiral King in his basic view that the Japanese should be kept under constant pressure was not a member of the Joint Chiefs of Staff but the Supreme Commander, Southwest Pacific Area, General MacArthur. Although his role was to recommend and then accept a decision from the JCS, and many of his views on strategy differed sharply from those endorsed by the JCS, his repeated efforts to get more support for his area of command and to push ahead as rapidly and with as much force as possible helped to insure that the war against Japan did not become a forgotten war and were largely responsible for the development of the advance on two axes. ** Grace Person Hayes, ''The History of the Joint Chiefs of Staff in World War II: The War Against Japan'' (1982), p. 725-726 * '''In this man is the uncompromising will to win, and the character and integrity to lead his country to victory on the battlefields of the world. The respect of the world is his. Men and nations know that when others may fail they can always turn to him for leadership and victory.''' ** [[Frazier Hunt]], ''MacArthur and the War Against Japan'' (1944), New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, hardcover, p. 176 * During the Korean War, MacArthur was a law unto himself, in matters both big and small. He quarreled defiantly in public with President Truman, agitating for nuclear war. In their eventual confrontation on Wake Island, MacArthur went so far as to arrive first and then order the president's approaching plane into a holding pattern. MacArthur's commander in chief would thus arrive on the landing strip appearing to be MacArthur's supplicant. In explaining why he subsequently relieved MacArthur of his command, Truman said, "I fired him because he wouldn't respect the authority of the president. I didn't fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was, but that's not against the law for generals." Truman was arguably pulling his punches. He could have easily called MacArthur an asshole. ** Aaron James, in his book ''Assholes: A Theory'' (2012), p. 1-2 * General, I have a lot riding on you. I hope you don't pull a MacArthur on me. ** [[Lyndon Johnson]], said to Westmoreland when the two men met in Honolulu in 1966. As quoted in ''The Truman-MacArthur Tug of War – A Lingering Aftermath'' (1993) by Stephen A. Danner, p. 14-15 * MacArthur was a flamboyant character who made sure the people back home knew what he was doing to win the war. He was a great publicist but he made many enemies. Generals Marshall and Eisenhower disliked him and even President Roosevelt, resentful of his popularity, did not wish him to have the limelight. After the war he ruled Japan as an all-powerful potentate but he overstepped the mark in Korea which led to his downfall. ** John Keegan (editor), ''Who's Who in World War II'' (1995), p. 101 * The spectacle of the United States Army routing unarmed citizens with tanks and firebrands outraged many Americans. The Bonus Army episode came to symbolize Hoover's supposed insensitivity to the plight of the unemployed. In fact the worst violence, resulting in two deaths, had come at the hands of the district police, not the federal troops, and the blame for the torching of Anacostia Flats was MacArthur's, not Hoover's. But Hoover chose to ignore MacArthur's insubordination and assumed full responsibility for the army's actions. ** David M. Kennedy, ''Freedom From Fear: The American People in Depression and War, 1929-1945'' (1999), p. 92 * For a time they had worked closely and harmoniously together, and as a writer Eisenhower may even have been at least a co-inventor of the florid MacArthurian prose style. "You know that General MacArthur got quite a reputation as a silver-tongued speaker when he was in the Philippines," Eisenhower wrote to a friend. "Who do you think wrote his speeches? I did." MacArthur was Eisenhower's first exposure to a senior officer who chose not to draw a clear-cut distinction between the military and the political in Washington's commingling of the two, who had a wide acquaintance with people in every branch of government. "Working with him brought an additional dimension to my experience," said Eisenhower. MacArthur was aware that Eisenhower had been directing the War Department efforts to reinforce him but ignored this, and his reaction to Eisenhower's progress toward eminence in Europe was a mixture of envy and something close to paranoia. MacArthur told his British liaison officer, Gerald Wilkinson, that Eisenhower had not been "wholly loyal" and that for this reason MacArthur had not kept him on in the Philippines when his term was up. (Eisenhower says the opposite: that he requested to be let go and that MacArthur tried to persuade him to stay on; given the choice, belief inclines toward Eisenhower.) MacArthur told Wilkinson that he thought Eisenhower, "spotting White House jealousy of himself (MacA) has enhanced his own position by feeding the White House with anti-MacA data- a delusion on MacArthur's part, to say the least. ** Eric Larrabee, ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants, and Their War'' (1987), p. 417-418 * MacArthur described Eisenhower to Wilkinson as "the ablest officer he has ever known at absorbing 30 minutes detailed description of an idea (or plan or strategic conception?) and getting the whole thing out on paper- orders, arrangements etc etc- in ''10'' minutes." According to Wilkinson's journal, MacArthur said that Eisenhower was "ambitious, clever, hard-working (an excellent bridge player)... a brilliant executive of someone else's thought but ''not''- as far as MacA knows- in any way an original mind- and ''no fighting experience''.... Eisenhower in turn had no illusions about MacArthur but acknowledged the power of the man's personality and his capacity for leadership. When Eisenhower took command in the European theater, an off-the-record dinner was arranged for him in London to meet a group of American correspondents, who quizzed him about MacArthur. Eisenhower described the now-familiar characteristics- the ego, the love of the limelight, the self-dramatization, the unstable temperament- and then added: "Yet, if that door opened at this moment, and General MacArthur was standing there, and he said 'Ike, follow me,' I'd get up and follow him." Of Eisenhower's respect for Marshall there can be no doubt; he told Beetle Smith that he wouldn't trade Marshall for fifty MacArthurs. ("My God," the thought came to him, "that would be a lousy deal. What would I do with fifty MacArthurs?") ** Eric Larrabee, ''Commander in Chief: Franklin Delano Roosevelt, His Lieutenants, and Their War'' (1987), p. 417-418 * It was disturbing to see that General Westmoreland kept asking for additional troops without any clear objective. During the Korean War, Douglas MacArthur requested permission to cross the Yalu River to invade Manchuria. He was fired. General Westmoreland kept asking for new troops and didn't know what to do with them. He was later promoted to Army Chief of Staff. This was the sign of the times. It was unfortunate that we did not have generals in Viet Nam of MacArthur's caliber who knew what the objectives were and how to achieve them. ** Lam Quang Thi, ''The Twenty-Five Year Century: A South Vietnamese General Remembers the Indochina War to the Fall of Saigon'' (2001), p. 156 * In the Pacific we gave our enemies a costly lesson in amphibious warfare, just as in Europe we, with our allies, demonstrated successful coalition warfare. The performance of all branches of the services in Europe under General Eisenhower, in the central and southern Pacific under Admiral Nimitz, and in the southwestern Pacific under General MacArthur brought glory to themselves and to their country. ** [[William D. Leahy]], ''I Was There'' (1950), p. 439 * [MacArthur's "Old Soldiers Never Die" speech was of] such a superlative quality of excellence... that there is no other individual... capable of preparing and delivering a comparable address... The public enthusiasm for General MacArthur in San Francisco and in Washington was a triumph beyond anything that I have ever seen anywhere for anybody, which seems strange in view of his recent summary detachment by President Truman. If the general's popularity persists for a considerable time, it should actively effect a change in the country's domestic political policy, and it might have a radical effect on the complexion of domestic political development. From a purely military point of view it appears that General MacArthur's attitude will be fully accepted by all qualified military authorities. ** [[William D. Leahy]], as quoted by Henry H. Adams in ''Witness to Power: The Life of Fleet Admiral William D. Leahy'' (1985), p. 341 * Korea was a sideshow for me. Truman and later Eisenhower both negotiated the peace treaty, which I thought was bullshit, because there was no way the North could sustain the pain and suffering that we could inflict from the air. I also doubted that the Russians would go into full war mode over North Korea, even if I vaporized China. Omar Bradley agreed with me, and he said that "Ike is a politician now, not a soldier." Just like my plan for the Soviet Union, I would have bombed their air bases, industrial sites, and military installations, and after the first few waves did not get the point across, a single tactical atomic drop would have definitely made the point. Sadly, [Major General] Orvil Anderson proposed the same method, and was fired for his objective yet, in my opinion, very astute opinion. But after the Chinese came into it, that was what really got MacArthur relieved of his command. He thought like me on that level: just destroy the fuckers and end this stupid shit. Truman was not of that mind-set, and neither was Ike. I think both feared that such a bold move would force the Russians into it. Stalin had just died, and there was a new Soviet leadership. We knew and understood how Stalin thought, but we did not have a lot of intel on the new head honcho, Nikita Krushchev. He would become a prick, too. ** [[Curtis LeMay]], as quoted by Colin Heaton and Anne-Marie Lewis, ''Above The Reich: Deadly Dogfights, Blistering Bombing Raids, and Other War Stories from the Greatest American Air Heroes of World War II, in Their Own Words'' (2021), p. 336 * MacArthur was [[Imperialism|imperialistic]], almost self-godlike, and he always remained aloof from his soldiers. You were never going to see old Mac sitting in the damned mud, swatting flies and mosquitoes, eating rancid chow in a pouring tropical rain. Oh no. His ass was in a nice house or office with water buffalo steaks and red wine. I have to say that he was just about the only senior flag officer I can say that about, personal experience. All the others I have mentioned shared the misery, even Patton. He lived well per his rank, but he gave up his jeep to send wounded men back to an aid station in Sicily and walked on foot as the Germans shot at his men. ** [[Curtis LeMay]], as quoted by Colin Heaton and Anne-Marie Lewis, ''Above The Reich: Deadly Dogfights, Blistering Bombing Raids, and Other War Stories from the Greatest American Air Heroes of World War II, in Their Own Words'' (2021), p. 349-350 * In the early 1920s his chauffeur was driving him along the west bank of the Hudson when a man with a flashlight stepped into the road and waved them to a stop. Producing a pistol, he demanded the brigadier's wallet. "You don't get it as easy as that," MacArthur said. "I've got around forty dollars, but you'll have to whip me to get it. I'm coming out of this car, and I'll fight you for it." The thug threatened to kill him. MacArthur said, "Sure, you can shoot me, but if you do they'll run you down and fry you in the big house. Put down that gun, and I'll come out and fight you fair and square for my money. My name is MacArthur, and I live —" The man lowered his gun. He said, "My God, why didn't you tell me that in the first place? Why, I was in the Rainbow. I was a sergeant in Wild Bill Donovan's outfit. My God, General, I'm sorry. I apologize." MacArthur told his driver to proceed, and when he reached West Point he made no attempt to notify the police. ** William Manchester, in his book ''American Caesar: Douglas MacArthur 1880-1964'' (1978), p. 114-115 * Back and forth the fantastic tableaux would spin, past his cruel plebe hazing, the self-discovery at the West Texas Military Academy, the patriarchal Judge MacArthur, all beard and cigar smoke, presiding over dynastic feats at Washington's 1201 N Street; the chimes of the drawing-room clock there telling off the quarters; the ceremonial changing of the guard at Leavenworth; his father's tales of Sherman's dauntless Boys in Blue; his mother's imperious commands to fight and fight and never lower his blade short of victory; the clean crack of Krag rifles and the warm prickling of desert sand as he played with his brother outside the fort stockade; the rumbling of the sunset gun and Pinky's face tilting downward, her lambent smile gilding the child's upturned features while he clutched at her cascading skirts; the yellow notes of the bugles as he stirred in his cradle; the chant of sergeants hawking cadence on the parade ground outside; and, snapping proudly in the overarching sky above him, the flag, and the flag, and the flag. ** William Manchester, in his book ''American Caesar: Douglas MacArthur 1880-1964'' (1978), p. 709 * History gives us ample precedence for making decisions at the speed of relevance. In 1941, General Douglas MacArthur was planning a landing in the Southwest Pacific. He wrote to Admiral [[William Frederick Halsey, Jr.|William Halsey]], in charge of the South Pacific, asking for a naval campaign to divert the Japanese forces. Only two days later, Halsey wrote back, pledging his support. There was no need for extended exchanges between staffs. The shared objective was to shatter the Japanese forces. All else was secondary. Two strong-willed commanders collaborated to unleash hell upon the enemy. ** [[James Mattis]], ''Call Sign Chaos: Learning to Lead'' (2019), p. 57-58 * In 1931 a new chief of staff, the charismatic Douglas MacArthur, began to shift War Department priorities toward modernizing and training only the most active portions of the Army of the United States. A controversial officer noted for his imperious treatment of existing Army plans and values, MacArthur directed the General Staff to focus on specific war plans or "probable conflicts" and to increase the president's ability to order a partial mobilization on a discretionary basis, meaning free of congressional interference. By 1934 the General Staff had consolidated the paper army active and reserve into a twenty-two division force, organized into four field armies, of regulars and National Guardsmen. Instead of emphasizing the organization of a mass army to protect the United States from invasion, MacArthur wanted the War Department's funds to go to an "Initial Protective Force" of 400,000 soldiers that could respond to a real crisis, especially a war with Japan. Continued by his successor, Malin Craig, MacArthur's approach- the Protective Mobilization Plan- included a series of six-year programs designed to modernize the regular Army and Guard. The latter force made steady progress in the interwar period, for in 1924 the federal government began to pay the Guardsmen for weekly drills. In 1933 additional legislation ensured that mobilized Guard units would not be broken up and required that Guard officers hold federal reserve commissions and meet regular Army standards in order to draw drill pay. ** Allan R. Millett, Peter Maslowski, and William B. Feis, ''For the Common Defense: A Military History of the United States From 1607 to 2012'' (2012), p. 356 * Bitterly disappointed by his defeat at the hands of the Chinese, MacArthur pressured the administration to accept his own war aims. Marshaling heroic rhetoric- "There is no substitute for victory"- the general conducted a political campaign to open Communist China to direct attack by his own forces and the [[Taiwan|Chinese Nationalists]]. He continued to hint darkly about the use of nuclear weapons, an option Truman never seriously considered. Incident mounted after incident: Indiscreet press conferences, unauthorized contacts with Chiang Kai-shek, inappropriate challenges to the Communists, provocative correspondence with veterans' groups and Republican congressional leaders, dark hints of treason by the UN allies, especially [[United Kingdom|Britain]]. With the full approval of [[Dean Acheson|Acheson]], the new Secretary of Defense George C. Marshall, and the JCS, Truman finally relieved MacArthur and ordered him home in April 1951. Buoyed by his enthusiastic public reception and bathed in martyrdom, MacArthur took his case to Congress. ** Allan R. Millett, Peter Maslowski, and William B. Feis, ''For the Common Defense: A Military History of the United States From 1607 to 2012'' (2012), p. 460 * In a memorable public address to both houses, he accused the administration of appeasement and defeatism before promising to fade away like an old soldier in a barracks ballad. Like most MacArthur predictions, the promise to disappear proved flawed, since the Senate held hearings on the war and defense policy. MacArthur produced harsh words and limited enlightenment but could not reverse the administration's policy of limiting the war. As JCS Chairman General of the Army [[Omar Bradley]] stated, MacArthur's wider war was "the wrong war, war at the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong enemy." The concept that a theater commander could dictate global policy seemed to endanger the principle of civilian control as well as the professional stature of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Acutely aware that MacArthur's proposals endangered his rearmament program and the development of [[NATO]], Truman summed up the issue: "General MacArthur was ready to risk general war. I was not." MacArthur faded away after a weak showing in the early presidential primaries of 1952. The war went on without him. ** ** Allan R. Millett, Peter Maslowski, and William B. Feis, ''For the Common Defense: A Military History of the United States From 1607 to 2012'' (2012), p. 460 * Japan fared no better [than Germany]. The United States took over the country, installed a military [[dictatorship]] under General Douglas MacArthur, and ruled the country with an iron fist. It is no accident that William Manchester titled his biography of MacArthur ''American Caesar''. That MacArthur ruled wisely is a testimony to his observance of American heritage and democratic principles but should not obscure the fact that his rule was total. MacArthur ruled like a [[Neocolonialism|neocolonial]] military dictator possessing complete executive and legislative authority. "I could by fiat issue directives," he informed the [[U.S. Senate]], and he did. ** Seymour Morris Jr., ''American History Revised: 200 Startling Facts That Never Made It into the Textbooks'' (2010), p. 291-292 * Many years before Harry Truman fired General Douglas MacArthur, there was another prima donna general, the renowned [[w:John_C._Frémont|John C. Frémont]]. For issuing orders authorizing the emancipation of [[Slavery in the United States|slaves]] in [[Missouri]] without presidential permission, [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] fired him on the spot. As for MacArthur, he should have known better: the same thing had also happened to his own father. Back in the early 1900s, General Arthur MacArthur, military governor of the Philippines, made the stupid mistake of not recognizing the superior authority of the civilian governor, [[William Howard Taft]], who later became president. Years later, when MacArthur's turn came to be promoted to Army Chief of Staff, Taft blackballed him. ** Seymour Morris Jr., ''American History Revised: 200 Startling Facts That Never Made It into the Textbooks'' (2010), p. 314-315 * Because Douglas MacArthur disliked, mistrusted, and resented George Marshall it should not be thought that his prejudices were reciprocated. They were not, and maybe that was the trouble. For almost the whole of these two men's lives and professional careers, they had shared the same vocation, served in the same Army, fought in the same wars. Wherever in the world GI boots had stamped to attention, they both had taken the salute, watched a regiment march-past, celebrated a soldierly anniversary. There was no battlefield where U.S. troops had fought on which they had not ducked the same shellfire, dodged the same bullets, faced the same setbacks, savored the same victories. It was true that fate had ordained that it was MacArthur who commanded the vast armies in the field and Marshall who stayed behind to manipulate the martial pieces on the global chessboard. But if any envy had been engendered as a result, surely it should have been on Marshall's part. Like the director who masterminds the movements of crew, cameras, and cast, it was Marshall, the "organizer of victory," as Churchill called him, who might have been expected to show resentment when the limelight was focused elsewhere. By no word of gesture had he ever done so. ** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 484 * In fact, however, the "antagonism" was entirely one-sided, and never once did Marshall harm MacArthur either as a man or as a soldier. On the other hand, MacArthur seemed to take pleasure in damaging Marshall's career. It was he, while Chief of Staff during the interwar years, who had deliberately blocked Marshall's advancement. It was he who had sneered at his appointment as Chief of Staff when WWII began. It was Marshall he blamed for starving him of supplies during the Pacific campaigns, sneered at him as a chairborne soldier, a Roosevelt stooge. Then he would add, "And no friend of mine." Marshall must have known all about these snide remarks on MacArthur's part. Not only did he ignore them, but he never once allowed them to influence the respect in which he held the Far East commander or to deflect him from giving him all the support and protection of which he had need. Twice during WWII he saved him from what, for MacArthur, would have been a fate worse than death- obscurity. ** [[Leonard Mosley|Leonard Mosely]], ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 485 * The U.S. Navy hated MacArthur, really hated him. Early in the Pacific War it began agitating for an overall command in the area, the idea being to get MacArthur and his troops under its control. Believing Marshall to share their antipathy, the Navy enlisted his support and was delighted when he appeared to give it. "But on one condition," he said. "If we're going to have an overall commander in the Pacific, there isn't any question about it, you will have to pick MacArthur- on the basis of pure competence alone." The Navy abruptly abandoned the idea. Later, when the Navy wished to bypass the liberation of the Philippines in favor of operations against Formosa, it was Marshall who again intervened to insist MacArthur be allowed to fulfill his pledge to the Philippine people, to whom he had vowed, "I shall return." He was given the go-ahead to do so, and, of course, was hailed as the greatest hero of the Pacific war. ** Leonard Mosely, ''Marshall: Hero for Our Times'' (1982), p. 485 :Washington and Grant and Lee were all tried and true :Eisenhower, Bradley, and MacArthur, too :They will live forevermore, 'till the world is done with war :Then they'll close that final door, fading away :*Vaughan Monroe, in his 1951 song ''Old Soldiers Never Die'', which was named after MacArthur's speech. * King remained unconvinced that the Philippines should be the principal force of a Central Pacific campaign. He, in fact, agreed with MacArthur that the original War Plan Orange made little sense, since there was no beleaguered American force in Manila Bay to rescue. The only thing in need of rescue was MacArthur's beleaguered reputation, and King saw no point in doing that either, since liberating Luzon would simply kill thousands of Japanese and Filipinos, not to mention American soldiers, without any important impact on Japan's air and naval power or industrial activity. King expressed his doubts by challenging the selection of Palau as an objective and pointing instead to Formosa as a safer place than the Philippines to interdict Japanese overseas trade. ** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 339 * If the disaster at Malaya discredited the [[British Empire]], the doomed defense of the Philippines turned an American general, Douglas MacArthur, into an international hero and ensured that the future war with Japan would be fought under his influence. It was one of the most bizarre twists of World War II, for MacArthur made a defeat look like a victory of sorts, largely because of the dogged resistance of his common soldiers against what appeared to be overwhelming odds. A pioneer in army public relations even before World War I, MacArthur had already established his credentials as a hero of the Republican Party, an opponent of American subversives from the [[Right-wing politics|Right]] and [[Left-wing politics|Left]] (mostly left), a champion of the Chinese and Filipinos, and an outspoken critic of the British influence on [[Foreign policy of the United States|American foreign policy]]. One of his contemporaries characterized him as the greatest actor ever to serve in the U.S. Army, and another observed that MacArthur did not have a staff but a court. His behavior under stress- including combat- confounded worshipers and detractors alike; he could be absolutely insensitive to danger, yet he also shrank from direct contact with combat troops, especially the sick and wounded. He had a habit of becoming ill at times of crisis, and his behavior even when he was young (and in 1941 he was sixty) suggested chemical depression and a tendency to hyperventilate and vomit. He always kept a physician in close attendance, and he observed his meal and rest schedule with the precision of a [[Switzerland|Swiss]] watchmaker. Without doubt, he understood American politics and the role of the media in shaping policy. FDR once characterized MacArthur as one of the two most dangerous demagogues in American politics, the other being Huey Long. ** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 181-182 * MacArthur always knew he was at the center of the world stage, and he had no intention of allowing the Philippines to fall without a struggle of legendary proportions. The very real difficulties he faced were daunting enough, and it is doubtful that he or any other American general could have saved the islands, but his own and others' errors put his forces at grave risk from the very first day of war. ** Williamson Murray and Allan R. Millett, ''A War To Be Won: Fighting the Second World War'' (2000), p. 182 * For Douglas MacArthur, exile was more Elba than Saint Helena, not [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] and the White House but the Waldorf and [[New York City]]- both certainly bearable. He never meant to stay, yet settled in comfortably. First Army Headquarters in Lower Manhattan gave him a four-room office suite, and each morning he arrived to read the cable traffic. Later in the day he and Jean might be seen prowling the smart shops along Fifth Avenue, lunching at someplace elegant, followed, perhaps, by a night on Broadway or at a sporting event, seated in the owner's box, cheering on Gotham's teams with the intensity of a teen, especially if it was [[Jackie Robinson]], his favorite and most admired athlete. On the other hand, nanny Ah Chue never went out, becoming a Waldorf recluse, while little Arthur quietly drifted into his own world of music and anonymity, choosing Columbia, not West Point, and eventually living under an assumed name, his father's persona too much for him. ** Robert L. O'Connell, ''Team America: Patton, MacArthur, Marshall, Eisenhower, and the World They Forged'' (2022). New York: HarperCollins Publishers, p. 479 * But he was still not finished. If his body was weakening, his mind remained strong, and in October he began to compose his memoirs. Sitting in he same chair, he filled hundreds of legal pads with virtually no cross-outs or erasures before he was finished the following August. The result of the ten-month marathon, ''Reminiscences'', was pure MacArthur, and also an excellent summary of his life, if you weren't interested in his first marriage, which he left out entirely. But that didn't bother conservative publishing magnate Henry Luce, who bought the rights to be serialized in seven installments for ''Life'' magazine and then presented in book form, for a cool $900,000 (almost $8,000,000 in 2022). Reviews were predictably mostly anti-Mac, but the book sold well and probably earned Luce his money back. <br>It was MacArthur's last kudo. Lifelong good health had taught him to avoid doctors, and by this time his liver was shot. There was nothing left but the one-way ticket to Walter Reed in early March 1964. he lasted just over a month, dying of biliary cirrhosis on April 5. <br>No surprise, Doug left elaborate instructions for his funeral, which Kennedy's successor, [[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Johnson]], only elaborated on, leading to a three-stage event. It began in Manhattan with a public viewing and televised procession wheeling the coffin to a special train, which then took it to Washington. There it lay in state in the Capitol Rotunda, with 150,000 people filing past, before it was taken to Pinky's hometown, Norfolk, Virginia, where the old city hall had been turned into the Douglas MacArthur Memorial. Here, in an elaborate sepulcher, he was laid to rest, joined finally by Jean, who continued living in the Waldorf Towers until she died at the age of 101. ** Robert L. O'Connell, ''Team America: Patton, MacArthur, Marshall, Eisenhower, and the World They Forged'' (2022). New York: HarperCollins Publishers, p. 481 * I was still in Europe at the time. Truman said he had the authority to relieve him and he did it. I have never made up my mind whether he was right or not, but I happened to be with a British unit the night we learned of MacArthur's dismissal. The British had a brigade in Korea at the time and the [[British Army|British officers]] in the Mess were very anti-MacArthur and celebrating his demise. I think MacArthur was a magnificent general, but he became more and more insulated from the world by his staff, many of whom had been with him since the Bataan days. I think that was part of the problem. He was not a young man at the time of Korea. I think, perhaps, he got too dependent on his staff officers and certain things happened which were not in MacArthur's best interest... Even after MacArthur was relieved by the President of the United States he had a tickertape parade in New York City and he made two great speeches, one to Congress and one about Duty, Honor, Country. The Duty, Honor, Country speech is one of the greatest ever made by a military man, and he made it without a note at the age of seventy-five. I believe Douglas MacArthur in 1945 could have come home and run for president and won going away. He was worshipped at the end of the war. ** [[George S. Patton IV|George S. Patton, IV]], as quoted in ''The Fighting Pattons'' (1997) by Brian M. Sobel, p. 66-67 * He carried a different level of prestige. I don't think anybody would fool with him. MacArthur was MacArthur and everybody was subordinate to MacArthur. For his part and with regard to leadership, MacArthur commanded a theater, and of course his responsibilities far transcended those of my dads. '''He was a superb leader and was probably the greatest general this country has ever produced.''' ** [[George S. Patton IV|George S. Patton, IV]], as quoted in ''The Fighting Pattons'' (1997) by Brian M. Sobel, p. 222 * No man of our time is more authentically the voice of real America than Douglas MacArthur. To the millions who lined the streets of our great cities to cheer and weep as he passed by, he is the personification of the American tradition and history. As he rode up great avenues 'midst vast throngs, the people through misty eyes saw in him the noble leaders of the past- [[George Washington|Washington]], [[Robert E. Lee|Lee]], [[Ulysses S. Grant|Grant]]. And when he addressed the Congress of the United States, once again Americans heard the great truths which many, starved for them, never expected to hear again, and those who never heard them before wept unashamedly. In this stalwart, romantic figure, the great hopes, dreams and ideals of our country come to life again. He stimulates renewed faith that the land of Washington, [[Thomas Jefferson|Jefferson]] and Lincoln still lives in the hearts of the people. I shall never forget the light on General MacArthur's face and the deep feeling in his voice when he said to me — "They are a wonderful people — the American people — quick, impulsive, generous, whole-hearted! You can always trust in them and believe in them, for in their hearts they are good and true; in a crisis, they will do the right thing." ** Norman Vincent Peale, D.D., in the introduction to ''Revitalizing A Nation: A Statement of Beliefs, Opinions, and Policies Embodied in the Public Announcements of General of the Army Douglas MacArthur'' (1952) by The Heritage Foundation, Inc., p. 5 * MacArthur's most obvious trait was his vanity, which is often seized on as if it were the key to the man. It seems to me, however, that while MacArthur ''was'' infuriatingly vain, ''was'' egotistical, ''was'' fascinated by himself, he was not in the deepest sense ego-driven. The motor that powered his ascent was his amazing willpower, the same willpower that made him control his body under fire, that made him study his way to the top at West Point, that made him impose his strategy on a reluctant government in World War II. MacArthur's parents had planted a vision of himself in the deepest, richest soil of his character. That vision never changed from childhood to old age. He had a destiny to fulfill. The thirst for medals, trophies, publicity, flattery and an adoring staff was vanity, but more than vanity. These were his compass bearings, the way he confirmed that he was on the right track to his destination. But it was implacable, inexhaustible will that was the engine taking him toward his goal. it was that will that made him a difficult subordinate and distanced him from other men — at times even distanced him from himself — yet it finally got him where he intended to go. ** Geoffrey Perret, ''Old Soldiers Never Die: The Life of Douglas MacArthur'' (1996), p. 588-589 * Even allowing for the failures, the disappointments, the scorn and rebuffs, wasn't MacArthur, as William Manchester claims, the greatest soldier in American history? Not in my view. MacArthur was too difficult a subordinate to be an entirely successful commander. He created far more problems for Marshall, Stimson, Roosevelt and Truman than any general has the right to make, especially in time of war. He also spent time and energy toying with political ambitions when everything that was in him should have gone into fighting the enemy. At best he was probably the second-greatest soldier in American history, second only, that is, to Ulysses S. Grant. And along the way he did lead the most adventurous and dramatic life in American history, which makes him a gift to biographers and a subject of enduring interest to Americans. ** Geoffrey Perret, ''Old Soldiers Never Die: The Life of Douglas MacArthur'' (1996), p. 589 * Douglas MacArthur was the last great 19th century soldier, while [[George Marshall]] was the first great 20th century soldier. ** [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/macarthur/peopleevents/pandeAMEX105.html Mark A. Stoler], Board of Trustees of the [[w:Society for Military History|Society for Military History]]{{source}} * During the year just past there came to this country from across the sea a man — a leader of men. He was a tall man, clear of eye, imposing in stature and lofty in mien who had met and wrestled with this "greatest scourge of mankind" and who understands fully the determining concepts and the motivating forces of international Communism. He shapes his every utterance, act and deed in consonance with this understanding. He is a man of such broad vision and knowledge that the Atlantic Ocean becomes merely a peaceful lake, although enclosed by the shores of continents, and the broad Pacific, a benign moat but on which can be carried the thriving commerce of billions of men. This man has such a knowledge of the historical past and such an insight into a divinely ordained future that he fashions the deeds of today to mesh with a tomorrow of one thousand years from now. This man is known to the world as General of the Army Douglas MacArthur. ** John M. Pratt, in the foreword chapter "Revitalizing a Nation", in the book ''Revitalizing A Nation: A Statement of Beliefs, Opinions, and Policies Embodied in the Public Announcements of General of the Army Douglas MacArthur'' (1952) by The Heritage Foundation, Inc., p. 7-8 * On April 12, 1951, General Douglas MacArthur, Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces in the Pacific, was relieved of his command, stripped of all authority and ordered to leave Japan. He was dismissed with as little consideration as though he had been a new office boy found pilfering pennies from the cash register. Apparently it was intended that he be humiliated and that he return disgraced. General MacArthur had to his credit 52 years of loyal and unquestioned service. He was a soldier. He obeyed orders. He returned to his native land, but not as a broken, beaten soldier. He was a "Daniel come to judgement" — with a vibrant message that thrilled, inspired and re-created hope in the hearts of his countrymen. He began the task of revitalizing the nation. ** John M. Pratt, in the foreword chapter "Revitalizing a Nation", in the book ''Revitalizing A Nation: A Statement of Beliefs, Opinions, and Policies Embodied in the Public Announcements of General of the Army Douglas MacArthur'' (1952) by The Heritage Foundation, Inc., p. 9 * Not since the beginning of the war has a story been so overplayed and commercialized as General MacArthur's defense of Bataan. It is natural and desirable that we should play up the activities of our own generals and especially a general of the caliber of MacArthur. But in the interests of a well-informed public opinion it is essential that we maintain some semblance of proportion. What was gained by giving the impression that the arrival of General MacArthur in [[Australia]] foreshadowed the beginning of a great offensive against Japan? What is the point of carrying dispatches about Australia's being "built into a great Allied fortress"? How does one build into a "great Allied fortress" a continent almost exactly the size of continental United States? This kind of editing merely plays into the hands of our enemies... The defense of Bataan was doomed from the start, as every responsible newspaperman knew, yet many papers raised up the hopes by failing to put the story in its proper perspective. The defense of Bataan and the siege of Corregidor were comparable in this war to the siege of Tobruk, and they did not compare in importance to the defense of Malta. Yet who can tell the name of the commander who held Tobruk or the leader of the men at Malta? ** James B. Reston, ''Prelude to Victory'' (1942), p. 127-128 * With his flamboyant headgear, his sunglasses and corn cob pipe, he looked like an actor playing the role of a great general. He also had the sort of press an actor likes; he arranged that, in part, by keeping his subordinates as anonymous as possible. But the truth was that Douglas MacArthur, Supreme Commander of Allied Forces in the Southwest Pacific, was a great general. He had one of the most distinguished military careers on record (top of his class at West Point, a hero in the first war, Army Chief of Staff), and it is doubtful that anyone in any of the services knew more about the Pacific theater. Nonetheless, the war that would be waged to return him to the Philippines, as he had promised, would be a Navy war, and [three admirals] — Nimitz, King, and Halsey — would have every bit as much to do with the strategy and tactics of winning that war as he had. ** C.L. Sulzberger, in his book ''The American Heritage Picture History of World War II'' (1966), p. 335 * McVay and the ''Indianapolis'' were about to sail from he Marianas Sea Frontier into the Philippine Sea Frontier, and it was like passing between two different worlds. A ship moved from one frontier to the other by crossing the Chop, a boundary marked by the 130-degree line of longitude. Clear as this delineation was, there was a complicating factor: communications in this area were often confused by a political battle between [[Chester W. Nimitz|Admiral Nimitz]] and General MacArthur, who were locked in a struggle to control the Navy. MacArthur, in charge of the Seventh Fleet, wanted to unite it with the Army. Nimitz, commander of the Pacific Fleet, wanted to remain autonomous. In the end, Nimitz had been given control of the entire Pacific naval operation, but friction between the two military titans still existed. Information about a ship's whereabouts, or other crucial facts, sometimes got lost in the fallout. This could mean trouble for the ''Indianapolis'', which sometimes relied on the presence of carefully-timed escorts to protect her from enemy submarines and spirit her out of danger. ** Doug Stanton, ''In Harm's Way'' (2001), p. 74 * I graduated on June 13, number 4 in a class of 102. General MacArthur gave me my diploma and his "Congratulations, Mr. Taylor" was the last time I heard his voice until, as the new Chief of Staff of the Army, I called on him in the Waldorf Towers in 1956. Although he had done much for the Corps of Cadets during his superintendency, oddly enough he had never made an effort to impress his personality on the cadets through direct communication with them. I do not ever recall his having made a speech to us and only a few cadets were ever asked to his house. '''Certainly no graduate has left greater evidence of deep affection for West Point and the Corps than MacArthur, but the cadets saw little of this during his superintendency.''' ** [[Maxwell D. Taylor]], United States Military Academy Class of 1922, in his book ''Swords and Plowshares'' (1972), p. 28 * '''I fired him because he wouldn't respect the authority of the president. That's the answer to that. I didn't fire him because he was a dumb son of a bitch, although he was, but that's not against the law for generals. If it was, half to three-quarters of them would be in jail.''' **[[Harry S. Truman]], quoted in ''Plain Speaking : An Oral Biography of Harry S Truman'' (1974) by Merle Mille * Nothing but a damn bunch of bullshit! ** Harry S. Truman on MacArthur's "Old Soldiers Never Die" speech, as quoted in ''[[w:The Fifties (book)|The Fifties]]'' (1993) by [[w:David Halberstam|David Halberstam]] * This has been a hectic month. General Mac, as usual has been shooting off his mouth. He made a preelection statement that cost us votes and he made a postelection statement that has him in hot water in Europe and at home. I must defend him and save his face even if he has tried on various and numerous occasions to cut mine off. But I must stand by my subordinates... ** Harry S. Truman, in a November 30, 1950 entry on his calendar, as quoted by Margaret Truman in her book ''Harry S. Truman'' (1972), p. 493 * On November 6, the day before the 1950 elections, General MacArthur issued a demand to bomb the Yalu River bridges. Men and material were pouring across them and he said, "This movement not only jeopardizes but threatens the ultimate destruction of the forces under my command." With great reluctance, Dad gave him permission to destroy the Korean end of the bridges. But General Bradley pointed out to my father that within fifteen to twenty days the Yalu would be frozen, and the bombardment, so frantically insisted upon by General MacArthur, was hardly worth the risk of bombs dropping in Chinese or Soviet territory. The following day General MacArthur reported that enemy planes were engaging in hit-and-run raids across the Yalu and demanded the right to pursue them into their "sanctuary." Panic reigned in the UN until my father categorically rejected this request, which could only have widened the war. General MacArthur did not seem to realize that our planes were flying from privileged sanctuaries in Japan which could have been attacked by Russian or Chinese aircraft if we gave them the pretext by bombing targets in Manchuria. ** Margaret Truman, ''Harry S. Truman'' (1972), p. 490 * After sounding the alarm about Chinese intervention in the gravest possible terms, General MacArthur now did a complete flip-flop. He decided that he could resume his advance to the Yalu. The Joint Chiefs nervously asked him to remember that he was under orders to use only Republic of Korea troops in these northern provinces. General MacArthur replied that he was using Americans for the advance but would withdraw them as soon as he had cleared the area. This was a definite act of insubordination. But the Joint Chiefs were far more worried about MacArthur's appalling strategy. He had divided his army into two parts, sending one up the eastern side of Korea, the other up the west, separated by a massive mountain barrier that made liaison impossible. He called it a "general offensive" to "win the war" and predicted that the troops will "eat Christmas dinner at home." In one communiqué he described his advance as "a massive compression envelopment." In another report he called it "the giant U.N. pincer." ** Margaret Truman, ''Harry S. Truman'' (1972), p. 491 * Everyone feared that MacArthur was plunging toward disaster, but no one had the courage to speak out. Finally, [[w:Matthew_B._Ridgway|General Ridgway]], who was not a member of the Joint Chiefs and therefore without a vote, asked for permission to speak. He declared that they owed it "to the men in the field and the God to whom we must answer for these men's lives to stop talking and to act." The only answer he received was silence. Later, General Ridgway buttonholed General [[w:Hoyt_Vandenberg|Hoyt Vandenberg]], commander of the Air Force. "Why don't the Joint Chiefs send orders to MacArthur and ''tell'' him what to do?" Vandenberg shook his head. "What good would that do? He wouldn't obey the orders. What can we do?" "You can relieve any commander who won't obey orders, can't you?" General Ridgway exclaimed. General Vandenberg gave General Ridgway a look that was, Ridgway says "both puzzled and amazed." Then he walked away without saying a word. ** Margaret Truman, ''Harry S. Truman'' (1972), p. 491-492 * General MacArthur was fond of saying that he had a policy, and President Truman had no policy. But when he testified before [[w:Richard_Russell|Senator Russell]]'s committee, it became quite clear that the shoe was on the other foot. One senator asked him, "Assume we embrace your program, and assume the Chinese were chased back across the Yalu River, and suppose they then refused to sign a treaty, and to enter into an agreement on what their future course will be, what course would you recommend at that stage? General MacArthur had nothing to recommend. "I don't think they could remain in a state of belligerency," he replied grandly. He had no solution to the problem of maintaining an army across 420 miles of northern Korea, compared to the 110 miles of front we were required to defend along the 38th parallel. He admitted it would be madness to invade Manchuria and begin an all-out war with China's 400 million people. Where did this leave General MacArthur's much-quoted phrase, There is no substitute for victory?" '''It was Harry S. Truman who had a policy. General MacArthur was nothing more than a collection of disorganized ideas.''' ** Margaret Truman, ''Harry S. Truman'' (1972), p. 518-519 * Not a simple man! ** Unnamed Japanese statesman to John Gunther in 1950, as quoted in the preface of ''American Caesar: Douglas MacArthur 1880-1964'' (1978) * It was a mistake ever to visualize a landing in force against the Japanese main islands. Such an attack would have cost us a tremendous number of lives and was not necessary. The Japanese lived by the sea, and once their Navy, shipping, and Air Force were destroyed it was certain that they could be starved into surrender. MacArthur and Nimitz could have maintained a tight blockade around the islands ''ad infinitum''. Fortunately the war ended before OLYMPIC, the actual invasion of Japan, was ever mounted. ** Albert C. Wedemeyer, ''Wedemeyer Reports!'' (1958), p. 428 === Award Citations === [[File:Distinguished Service Cross given to the World War I Unknown - Tomb of the Unknown Soldier - Arlington National Cemetery - 2012-05-19.jpg|thumb|On a field where [[courage]] was the rule, his courage was the dominant feature. ~ War Department, General Orders No. 27]] [[File:Distservmedal.jpg|thumb|He has so inspired his command by his vision, his [[judgment]], his indomitable [[will]] and his unshakeable [[faith]], that he has set a shining example of gallantry and [[tenacity]] in [[defense]] and of [[audacity]] in attack matched by but few operations in [[military]] [[history]]. His [[conduct]] has been in accord with the highest traditions of the military service of the [[United States]], and is deserving of the enduring gratitude of the [[freedom]]-[[loving]] [[peoples]] of the [[world]].]] * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting the Distinguished Service Cross to Brigadier General (Corps of Engineers) Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for extraordinary heroism in action while serving as Chief of Staff, 42d Division, A.E.F., in the Salient-du-Feys, France, 9 March 1918. When Company D, 168th Infantry, was under severe attack in the salient du Feys, France, General MacArthur voluntarily joined it, upon finding that he could do so without interfering with his normal duties, and by his coolness and conspicuous courage aided materially in its success. ** Citation for MacArthur's first Distinguished Service Cross. War Department, General Orders No. 27 (1919) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting a Bronze Oak Leaf Cluster in lieu of a Second Award of the Distinguished Service Cross to Brigadier General (Corps of Engineers) Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for extraordinary heroism in action while serving as Chief of Staff, 42d Division, A.E.F., near Cote-de-Chatillon, France, October 14 - 16, 1918: As brigade commander General MacArthur personally led his men and by the skillful maneuvering of his brigade made possible the capture of Hills 288, 242, and the Cote-de-Chatillon, France, 14 - 16 October 1918. He displayed indomitable resolution and great courage in rallying broken lines and in reforming attacks, thereby making victory possible. '''On a field where courage was the rule, his courage was the dominant feature.''' ** Citation for MacArthur's second Distinguished Service Cross. War Department, General Orders No. 27 (1919) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting the Army Distinguished Service Medal to Brigadier General Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished services to the Government of the United States, in a duty of great responsibility during World War I. General MacArthur served with credit as Chief of Staff of the 42d Division in the operations at Chalons and at the Chateau-Thierry salient. In command of the 84th Infantry Brigade, he showed himself to be a brilliant commander of skill and judgment. Later he served with distinction as Commanding General of the 42d Division. ** Citation for MacArthur's first Distinguished Service Medal. War Department, General Orders No. 59 (1919) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting a Bronze Oak Leaf Cluster in lieu of a Second Award of the Army Distinguished Service Medal to General Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished services to the Government of the United States, in a duty of great responsibility. As Chief of Staff of the Army of the United States from 21 November 1930 to 1 October 1935, General MacArthur performed his many important and exacting duties with signal success. He devised and developed the Four-Army organization of our land forces; he conceived and established the GHQ Air Force, thus immeasurably increasing the effectiveness of our air defenses; he initiated a comprehensive program of modernization in the Army's tactics, equipment, training, and organization. In addition, the professional counsel and assistance he continuously rendered to the President, to the Secretary of War, and to the Congress were distinguished by such logic, vision, and accuracy as to contribute markedly to the formulation of sound defense policies and the enactment of progressive laws for promoting the Nation's security. ** Citation for MacArthur's second Distinguished Service Medal. War Department, General Orders No. 7 (1935) * The President of the United States of America, in the name of Congress, takes pleasure in presenting the Medal of Honor to General of the Army Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for conspicuous leadership in preparing the Philippine Islands to resist conquest, for gallantry and intrepidity above and beyond the call of duty in action against invading Japanese forces, and for the heroic conduct of defensive and offensive operations on the Bataan Peninsula. General MacArthur mobilized, trained, and led an army which has received world acclaim for its gallant defense against a tremendous superiority of enemy forces in men and arms. His utter disregard of personal danger under heavy fire and aerial bombardment, his calm judgment in each crisis, inspired his troops, galvanized the spirit of resistance of the Filipino people, and confirmed the faith of the American people in their Armed Forces. ** Citation for MacArthur's Medal of Honor. It was the third time he had been nominated for the award, but the first time he had received it. Citation for the War Department, General Orders No. 16 (1 April 1942) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting a Second Bronze Oak Leaf Cluster in lieu of a Third Award of the Army Distinguished Service Medal to General Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished services to the Government of the United States, in a duty of great responsibility as Supreme Commander of Allied Forces in the Southwest Pacific since March 1942. Under extremely difficult conditions of terrain, climate and limited forces and material he expelled the enemy from eastern New Guinea, secured lodgments on the Island of New Britain and gave strategic direction to coordinated operations resulting in the conquest of the New Georgia Group and the establishment of the United States Army and Navy forces on Bougainville Island. He has inflicted heavy losses on the enemy and established his forces in positions highly favorable for the construction of offensive operations. ** Citation for MacArthur's third Distinguished Service Medal. War Department, General Orders No. 10 (1944) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting a Second Bronze Oak Leaf Cluster in lieu of a Third Award of the Distinguished Service Cross to General of the Army Douglas Macarthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for extraordinary heroism in connection with military operations against an armed enemy, in action against enemy forces on 26 January 1945, while visiting the 25th Division in combat at San Manuel, Luzon, Philippine Islands. On that date, General MacArthur advanced within 75 yards of the enemy lines to a point where two men had just been killed and several wounded by Japanese fire and which was still under heavy attack by enemy small arms, mortar, and cannon. Hidden enemy machine gunners and riflemen were opposing the advance with deliberately aimed cross-fire which intermittently covered the area. General MacArthur's example in the face of enemy fire, was a source of inspiration to the men of the 25th Division and was in keeping with the highest traditions of the military forces of the United States. ** Citation for MacArthur's third Distinguished Service Cross. War Department, General Orders No. 46 (23 May 1946) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting a Third Bronze Oak Leaf Cluster in lieu of a Fourth Award of the Army Distinguished Service Medal to General of the Army Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for exceptionally meritorious and distinguished services to the Government of the United States, in a duty of great responsibility, during the period 20 October 1944 to 4 July 1945. As Supreme Commander of Allied Air, Ground and Sea Forces in the Southwest Pacific, General of the Army Douglas MacArthur planned and personally directed the campaigns which resulted in the liberation of the Philippine Islands. Strongly entrenched and superior enemy forces were overwhelmed and completely destroyed in a series of decisive operations and exploiting U.S. Air and Sea superiority, coupled with the resolute and courageous fighting of the Ground Forces. The immediate result of the campaign was control of the China sea, the isolation of Japanese Forces in Burma, Malaysia and Indo-China and the termination of coastwise traffic supporting the Japanese Armies in Central and South China. The liberation of the Philippines began with the landings on Leyte on 20 October in which complete strategic surprise was achieved. After bitter fighting under most difficult conditions of weather and terrain, General MacArthur destroyed the Japanese forces which included the noted 1st Division of the Kvantung Army. Again surprising the enemy, General MacArthur moved his forces boldly up the Western Coast of the main Philippine Island and effected a landing on the shores of Lingayen Gulf on 9 January 1945. The flawless execution of this hazardous amphibious approach and landing so disorganized the enemy that in a series of deep thrusts Manila was liberated on 25 February. The fortress of Corregidor fell soon afterward in a brilliantly conceived and directed combined land, sea and air operation. By the end of June only isolated groups of enemy remained in Luzon. While the United States SIXTH Army was so engaged, EIGHTH Army units cleared the enemy from the Southern Islands in a series of amphibious operations. By 4 July organized resistance had terminated, completing the liberation of the Philippine Islands and the 17,000,000 inhabitants from Japanese domination. More than 300,000 dead and 7,000 prisoners were lost by the enemy, our casualties in killed, wounded and missing totaling 60, 628. Seventeen of our divisions had opposed and defeated twenty-three enemy divisions. The air, ground, and naval forces worked in complete unison to inflict this crushing disaster on the Japanese Army. ** Citation for MacArthur's fourth Distinguished Service Medal. Department of the Army, General Orders No. 27 (19 April 1948) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress July 9, 1918, takes pleasure in presenting a Fourth Bronze Oak Leaf Cluster in lieu of a Fifth Award of the Army Distinguished Service Medal to General of the Army Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for distinguished service to the peoples of the United States and the Republic of Korea, and to the peoples of all free nations. Having been designated as the first field commander of United Nations armed forces, and directed, in the common interest, to repel an armed attack upon the Republic of Korea and to restore international peace and security in the area, he has given these forces conspicuously brilliant and courageous leadership and discerning judgment of the highest order. Having been compelled to commit his troops to combat under extremely adverse conditions and against heavy odds in order to gain the time so imperatively needed for the build-up of his forces for the counter-offensive, '''he has so inspired his command by his vision, his judgment, his indomitable will and his unshakeable faith, that he has set a shining example of gallantry and tenacity in defense and of audacity in attack matched by but few operations in military history. His conduct has been in accord with the highest traditions of the military service of the United States, and is deserving of the enduring gratitude of the freedom-loving peoples of the world.''' ** Citation for MacArthur's fifth Distinguished Service Medal. Department of the Army, General Orders No. 39 (1950) * The President of the United States of America, authorized by Act of Congress, July 2, 1926, takes pleasure in presenting the Distinguished Flying Cross (Air Force Award) to General of the Army Douglas MacArthur (ASN: 0-57), United States Army, for heroism while participating in aerial flight as Commander-in-Chief, Far East, and Commander-in-Chief, United Nations Command, during the period 29 June to 20 October 1950. On 29 June General MacArthur made a flight to Suwon, Korea, during which his aircraft was subjected to effective interception by hostile air action. Another friendly aircraft in the area was attacked and destroyed by enemy air immediately prior to General MacArthur's landing, and the Suwon airstrip itself was bombed and strafed during the course of his visit. On 27 July he made a flight to Taegu, Korea, during which his aircraft was again subject to hostile air interception and at which time the ground situation in the immediate area was most precarious. On 29 September, General MacArthur made a flight to Kimpo, Korea, again under conditions presenting the threat of hostile air interception and while the Kimpo airfield itself was subject to hostile ground fire. On 20 October he made a flight to the Sukchon-Sunchon area of Korea in order to observe and supervise the para-drop of the 187th Airborne Regimental Combat Team. During this entire operation his aircraft was subject to attack by enemy aircraft known to be based at Sinuiju. These aerial flights in an unarmed aircraft were made by General MacArthur in furtherance of his mission as Commander of the United Nations forces in Korea. Each flight involved the risk of death or capture by the enemy. In General MacArthur's case this risk was multiplied a hundred-fold in view of his personal stature and his position as Commander-in-Chief. That General MacArthur unhesitatingly took part in these extraordinarily important and dangerous missions is a further demonstration of the unfaltering devotion to duty which characterizes his every action as a leader. His conduct in these instances has been an outstanding source of inspiration to the men he commands. Throughout the Korean campaign the strategic concepts underlying General MacArthur's command decisions have reflected a superb understanding of the most advantageous employment of air power and made possible the victory which is being achieved with minimum losses and unprecedented speed. By his heroism and extraordinary achievement, General Douglas MacArthur reflects the highest honor upon himself, the United Nations, and the Armed Forces of the United States. ** Citation for MacArthur's Distinguished Flying Cross. Headquarters, Far East Air Forces, General Orders No. 93 (20 October 1950) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} *[http://www.macarthurmemorial.org The MacArthur Memorial] - The MacArthur Memorial at [[w:Norfolk, Virginia|Norfolk, Virginia]] * [http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/amex/macarthur/index.html MacArthur] at [[w:PBS|PBS]]. {{DEFAULTSORT:MacArthur, Douglas}} [[Category:Military leaders from the United States]] [[Category:1880 births]] [[Category:1964 deaths]] [[Category:Engineers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Little Rock]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1952]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1948]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 1944]] [[Category:Anti-communists from the United States]] [[Category:Episcopalians from the United States]] [[Category:Medal of Honor recipients]] [[Category:Distinguished Service Cross recipients]] [[Category:Silver Star Medal recipients]] [[Category:United States Army people]] [[Category:United States Military Academy alumni]] [[Category:Commanding Generals and Chiefs of Staff of the United States Army]] [[Category:Commanders of the United States Far Eastern Command]] [[Category:Military leaders of World War II]] [[Category:People of the Cold War]] g9su2sv54wt5a1cyevb8iwooojxit9j 0 1997 3954358 3755931 2026-06-19T07:47:34Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Into the Fire */ 3954358 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Babylon 5 1994 logo.svg|thumb|It can be a [[dangerous]] place, but it's our last best [[hope]] for [[peace]]. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2258. The name of the place is ''Babylon 5''.]] '''''[[w:Babylon 5|Babylon 5]]''''' (1993–1998), created by [[J. Michael Straczynski]], is a [[w:science fiction|science fiction]] television epic about ''Babylon 5'', an Earth-governed space station built to promote harmony between interstellar civilizations. It is unusual in its focus on a [[w:story arc|story arc]] which dominates the events through its five-year run. __NOTOC__ {| align="center" ! width="18%" style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 1: Signs and Portents | Season 1]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 2: The Coming of Shadows | Season 2]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 3: Point of No Return | Season 3]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 4: No Surrender, No Retreat | Season 4]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 5: The Wheel of Fire | Season 5]] ! width="12%" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Films | Films, etc.]] |- | <!--1.01--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Midnight on the Firing Line | Midnight on the Firing Line]] | <!--2.01--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Points of Departure | Points of Departure]] | <!--3.01--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Matters of Honor | Matters of Honor]] | <!--4.01--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Hour of the Wolf | Hour of the Wolf]] | <!--5.01--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#No Compromises | No Compromises]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: In the Beginning | In the Beginning]] |- | <!--1.02--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Soul Hunter | Soul Hunter]] | <!--2.02--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Revelations | Revelations]] | <!--3.02--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Convictions | Convictions]] | <!--4.02--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[Babylon 5#Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?| Whatever/Garibaldi?]] | <!--5.02--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari | Long Night of Londo]] |- | <!--1.03--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Born to the Purple | Born to the Purple]] | <!--2.03--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Geometry of Shadows | Geometry of Shadows]] | <!--3.03--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Day in the Strife | Day in the Strife]] | <!--4.03--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Summoning | Summoning]] | <!--5.03--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Paragon of Animals | Paragon of Animals]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: The Gathering | The Gathering (pilot)]] |- | <!--1.04--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Infection | Infection]] | <!--2.04--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Distant Star | Distant Star]] | <!--3.04--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Passing Through Gethsemane | Passing/Gethsemane]] | <!--4.04--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Falling Toward Apotheosis | Falling/Apotheosis]] | <!--5.04--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A View from the Gallery | View from Gallery]] |- | <!--1.05--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Parliament of Dreams | Parliament of Dreams]] | <!--2.05--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Long Dark | Long Dark]] | <!--3.05--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Voices of Authority | Voices of Authority]] | <!--4.05--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Long Night | Long Night]] | <!--5.05--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Learning Curve | Learning Curve]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: Thirdspace | Thirdspace]] |- | <!--1.06--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Mind War | Mind War]] | <!--2.06--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Spider in the Web | Spider in the Web]] | <!--3.06--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Dust to Dust | Dust to Dust]] | <!--4.06--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Into the Fire | Into the Fire]] | <!--5.06--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Strange Relations | Strange Relations]] |- | <!--1.07--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The War Prayer | War Prayer]] | <!--2.07--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Soul Mates | Soul Mates]] | <!--3.07--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Exogenesis | Exogenesis]] | <!--4.07--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Epiphanies | Epiphanies]] | <!--5.07--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Secrets of the Soul | Secrets of the Soul]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: The River of Souls | River of Souls]] |- | <!--1.08--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And the Sky Full of Stars | Sky Full of Stars]] | <!--2.08--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Race Through Dark Places | Race Thru Dark Places]] | <!--3.08--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Messages from Earth | Messages from Earth]] | <!--4.08--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Illusion of Truth | Illusion of Truth]] | <!--5.08--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Day of the Dead | Day of the Dead]] |- | <!--1.09--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Deathwalker | Deathwalker]] | <!--2.09--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Coming of Shadows | Coming of Shadows]] | <!--3.09--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Point of No Return | Point of No Return]] | <!--4.09--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Atonement | Atonement]] | <!--5.09--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#In the Kingdom of the Blind | Kingdom of the Blind]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: A Call to Arms | A Call to Arms]] |- | <!--1.10--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Believers | Believers]] | <!--2.10--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Gropos | Gropos]] | <!--3.10--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Severed Dreams | Severed Dreams]] | <!--4.10--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Racing Mars | Racing Mars]] | <!--5.10--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Tragedy of Telepaths | Tragedy of Telepaths]] |- | <!--1.11--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Survivors | Survivors]] | <!--2.11--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#All Alone in the Night | All Alone in the Night]] | <!--3.11--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Ceremonies of Light and Dark | Cerem/Light & Dark]] | <!--4.11--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Lines of Communication | Lines of Communication]] | <!--5.11--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Phoenix Rising | Phoenix Rising]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers | Legend of the Rangers]] |- | <!--1.12--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#By Any Means Necessary | Any Means Necessary]] | <!--2.12--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Acts of Sacrifice | Acts of Sacrifice]] | <!--3.12--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Sic Transit Vir | Sic Transit Vir]] | <!--4.12--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Conflicts of Interest | Conflicts of Interest]] | <!--5.12--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Ragged Edge | Ragged Edge]] |- | <!--1.13--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Signs and Portents | Signs and Portents]] | <!--2.13--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Hunter, Prey | Hunter, Prey]] | <!--3.13--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Late Delivery from Avalon | Late Delivery/Avalon]] | <!--4.13--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Rumors, Bargains and Lies | Rumors, Bargains, Lies]] | <!--5.13--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father | Corps is Mother/Father]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[Crusade (TV series) | Crusade]] |- | <!--1.14--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#TKO | TKO]] | <!--2.14--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#There All the Honor Lies | There All the Honor Lies]] | <!--3.14--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Ship of Tears | Ship of Tears]] | <!--4.14--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Moments of Transition | Moments of Transition]] | <!--5.14--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Meditations on the Abyss | Meditations/Abyss]] |- | <!--1.15--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Grail | Grail]] | <!--2.15--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And Now For a Word | And Now For a Word]] | <!--3.15--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Interludes and Examinations | Interludes & Examinations]] | <!--4.15--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#No Surrender, No Retreat | No Surrender/Retreat]] | <!--5.15--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Darkness Ascending | Darkness Ascending]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Books | Books]] |- | <!--1.16--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Eyes | Eyes]] | <!--2.16--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum | Shadow of Z'ha'dum]] | <!--3.16--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#War Without End, Part 1 | War Without End 1]] | <!--4.16--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Exercise of Vital Powers | Exercise of Vital Powers]] | <!--5.16--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder | Dreams, Torn Asunder]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#888888;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | &nbsp; |- | <!--1.17--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Legacies | Legacies]] | <!--2.17--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Knives | Knives]] | <!--3.17--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#War Without End, Part 2 | War Without End 2]] | <!--4.17--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Face of the Enemy | Face of the Enemy]] | <!--5.17--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Movements of Fire and Shadow | Move/Fire & Shadow]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Unidentified episode or film | Unidentified episode/film]] |- | <!--1.18--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Voice in the Wilderness, Part 1 | Voice/Wilderness 1]] | <!--2.18--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Confessions and Lamentations | Confessions/Laments]] | <!--3.18--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Walkabout | Walkabout]] | <!--4.18--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Intersections in Real Time | Intersections/Real Time]] | <!--5.18--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Fall of Centauri Prime | Fall of Centauri Prime]] |- | <!--1.19--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Voice in the Wilderness, Part 2 | Voice/Wilderness 2]] | <!--2.19--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Divided Loyalties | Divided Loyalties]] | <!--3.19--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Grey 17 Is Missing | Grey 17 Is Missing]] | <!--4.19--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Between the Darkness and the Light | Btw Darkness & Light]] | <!--5.19--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Wheel of Fire | Wheel of Fire]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#888888;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | &nbsp; |- | <!--1.20--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon Squared | Babylon Squared]] | <!--2.20--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Long, Twilight Struggle | Long, Twilight Struggle]] | <!--3.20--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place | Rock Cried Out]] | <!--4.20--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Endgame | Endgame]] | <!--5.20--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Objects in Motion | Objects in Motion]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Notes | Notes]] |- | <!--1.21--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Quality of Mercy | Quality of Mercy]] | <!--2.21--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Comes the Inquisitor | Comes the Inquisitor]] | <!--3.21--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Shadow Dancing | Shadow Dancing]] | <!--4.21--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Rising Star | Rising Star]] | <!--5.21--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Objects at Rest | Objects at Rest]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#See also | See also]] |- | <!--1.22--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Chrysalis | Chrysalis]] | <!--2.22--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Fall of Night | Fall of Night]] | <!--3.22--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Z'ha'dum | Z'ha'dum]] | <!--4.22--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Deconstruction of Falling Stars | Deconst/Falling Stars]] | <!--5.22--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Sleeping in Light | Sleeping in Light]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#External links | External links]] |} == Season 1: Signs and Portents == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': It was the dawn of the third age of mankind, ten years after the Earth/Minbari war. The Babylon Project was a dream given form. Its goal: to prevent another war by creating a place where humans and aliens could work out their differences peacefully. It's a port of call, home away from home for diplomats, hustlers, entrepreneurs, and wanderers. Humans and aliens wrapped in two million, five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal, all alone in the night. It can be a dangerous place, but it's our last best hope for peace. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2258. The name of the place is ''Babylon 5''. === [[w:Midnight on the Firing Line|Midnight on the Firing Line]] === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[arguing with Garibaldi]'' We made a mistake, I'm sorry. Here, open my wrists. ''[offers Garibaldi his wrists]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Centauri don't have major arteries in their wrists. :'''Londo''': Of course not! What, do you think I am stupid? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': The best way to understand someone is to fight him, make him angry. That's when you see the real person. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': I do not like Santiago. I've always thought that a leader should have a strong chin. He has no chin, and his vice president has several. This to me is not a good combination. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': My people…we have a way, you see. We know how, and sometimes even when, we are going to die. Comes in a dream. In my dream, I am an old man, it's twenty years from now, and I am dying. My hands wrapped around someone's throat, and his around mine. We have squeezed the life out of each other. The first time I saw G'Kar, I recognized him as the one from the dream. It will happen. Twenty years from now, we'll die with our hands around each other's throats.{{hnote|Among the first of a multitude of foreshadowings, this one concerns Londo and G'Kar's ultimate fate.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': What reasonable explanation is there for the slaughter of unarmed civilians? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Curious. We wondered the same thing when you invaded our world. The wheel turns, does it not, Ambassador? :'''Londo''': We should have wiped out your kind when we had the chance. :'''G'Kar''': What happened? Run out of small children to butcher? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': They are alone. They are a dying people. We should let them pass. :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Sinclair]]''': The Narn or the Centauri? :'''Kosh''': Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sinclair''': We've had plenty of experience with sneak attacks - Pearl Harbor, the terrorist nuking of San Diego, the destruction of our first Mars colony, it's a long and bloody history... Do you know what we learned from it? That the sneak attack is the first resort of a coward. :'''G'Kar''': Just a minute- :'''Sinclair''': You didn't even have the decency to pick a military target! A poorly armed civilian colony... ''[in sarcasm]'' What a challenge that must've been for the great Narn military... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': Mr. Garibaldi, you're sitting at my station, using my equipment. Is there a reason for this, or to save time should I just snap your hand off at the wrist? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': The Council can go to hell! And the emergency session can go to hell! And you, Vir, you can go to hell too—I would not want you to feel left out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': Blood calls out for blood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': Just now, would you really have killed me? :'''Garibaldi:''' Yes. Yes, I would have. But I'm just as glad I didn't have to. The paperwork's a pain in the butt. === [[w:Soul Hunter (Babylon 5)|Soul Hunter]] === :''[An unknown ship on collision course with the station.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': This is not a clear and present danger? I must read the rule book again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': It's all so brief, isn't it? Typical human lifespan is almost a hundred years, but it's barely a second compared to what's out there. It wouldn't be so bad if life didn't take so long to figure out. Seems you just start to get it right and then…it's over. :'''Ivanova''': Doesn't matter. If we lived 200 years we'd still be human, we'd still make the same mistakes. :'''Franklin''': You're a pessimist. :'''Ivanova''': I'm Russian, doctor. We understand these things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': They will join with the souls of all our people. Melt one into another until they are born into the next generation of Minbari. Remove those souls and the whole suffers. We are diminished, each generation becomes less than the one before. :'''Soul Hunter''': A quaint lie, pretty fantasy. The soul ends with death, unless we act to preserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I really hate it when you get heroic. Cuts into my business. A man's got to earn a living, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soul Hunter #2''': If I may ask, what happened to my brother's collection? :'''Sinclair''': ''[with a sly smile]'' Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them. === [[w:Born to the Purple|Born to the Purple]] === <hr width=50%/> :'''Londo''': What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova talks to her father for the last time]'' :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Is that you, Susan? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Yes. :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Oh dear God! I never thought I'd see your face again. It makes this easier. Susan, I know I haven't been the best of fathers to you. But when your mother passed on and your brother was killed in the war I was too wrapped up in my own grief to pay attention to your needs. And when you joined EarthForce against my wishes… :'''Ivanova''': You don't have to say this, Father. :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Yes, Yes I must. There's no more time. I want you to know how proud I am of you, Susan. I always have been. But a father should give his daughter love as well as respect, and in that I failed you. I'm sorry, I'm ashamed. Forgive me. :''[she nods her head, and Andrei smiles]'' :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Thank you, ''dushenka moya''. :'''Ivanova''': "Little soul." You haven't called me that since... :''[her father closes his eyes and stops breathing]'' :'''Ivanova''': Papa! === [[w:Infection (Babylon 5)|Infection]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': The last time I gave an interview, they told me to just relax and say what I really felt. Ten minutes after the broadcast I got transferred to an outpost so far off the star maps you couldn't find it with a hunting dog and a Ouija board. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[smiling]'' Don't sweat it. Just be that charming, effervescent Commander we've all come to know and love. What's the worst that could happen? They fire you, ship you off to the Rim, and I get promoted to Commander. I don't see a problem here. :'''Sinclair''': [[King Lear|How sharper than a serpent's tooth]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[visiting Babylon 5, Vance Hendricks tries to get the attention of his former protege]'' :'''Dr. Vance Hendricks''': Stephen, there's a Martian war machine parked outside. [[The War of the Worlds|They'd like a word about the common cold]]. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin (Babylon 5)|Dr. Stephen Franklin]]''': Tell them to make an appointment. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sinclair''': You forgot the first rule of the fanatic: when you become obsessed with the enemy, you ''become'' the enemy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary Ann Cramer''': I have to ask you the same question people back home are asking about space these days. Is it worth it? Should we just pull back? Forget the whole thing as a bad idea, and take care of our own problems at home? :'''Sinclair''': No. We have to stay here. And there's a simple reason why. Ask ten different scientists about the environment, population control, genetics, and you'll get ten different answers. But there's one thing every scientist on the planet agrees on. Whether it happens in a hundred years or a thousand years or a million years, eventually our Sun will grow cold and go out. When that happens, it won't just take us. It'll take Marilyn Monroe, and Lao-Tzu, and Einstein, and Morobuto, and Buddy Holly, and Aristophanes, and all of this…all of this…was for nothing. Unless we go to the stars. === [[w:The Parliament of Dreams|The Parliament of Dreams]] === <hr width=50%/> :'''Narn Courier''': Are you Ambassador G'Kar? :'''G'Kar''': This is Ambassador G'Kar's quarters. This is Ambassador G'Kar's table! This is Ambassador G'Kar's ''dinner''! Which part of this progression escapes you?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Do you know what the last Xon said just before he died? ''[clutches chest]'' AAAAGGGHHHH! : . . . :''[A drunken Londo climbs across a dinner table as he describes a collection of Centauri statues.]'' :'''Londo''': ''This'' is Ben-Zed, god of food! And…Li, goddess of passion! And Mo-goth, god of the underworld, ''and'' protector of front doors. Gods by the bushel! Gods by the pound! Gods for all occasions!! :''[He leans toward a discomfited Delenn.]'' :'''Londo''': Have I ever told you that you are very cute for a Minbari? :''[He crawls over to Garibaldi.]'' :'''Londo''': Oh! And you are cute, too, in an annoying sort of way. ''Everybody's'' cute. Everybody's cute! Even me. But in purple, I'm stunning! :''[He passes out on the table.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': Ah! He has become one with his inner self! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': He's passed out. :'''Vir''': That too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': And you have no idea how that ''[a black flower sent to G'Kar as a sign that he is about to be assassinated]'' got into my bed? :'''Na'Toth''': Ambassador, it is not my place to speculate on how ''anything'' gets into your bed. Your reputed fascination with Earth women, for instance. : . . . :'''G'Kar''': The Earthers have a phrase: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I believe they stole it from us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn meets her new aide at customs]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': You can look up, Lennier of the Third Fane of Chu'Domo. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': It is forbidden. :'''Delenn''': I cannot have an aide who will not look up. You will be forever walking into things.{{hnote|As told to her by Dukhat—see ''Atonement''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair is listening to an audio recording of [[Alfred Tennyson|Tennyson's]] ''Ulysses'' in his quarters]'' :'''Catherine''': Tennyson? Jeff, you've been caught on that one since the Academy! What's it take to drag you into the 23rd century? :'''Sinclair''': We find meaning where we can. :'''Catherine''': Ah, and which are you? "An idle king…doling unequal laws unto a savage race that hoard and sleep and feed and know not you"? Or, "this gray spirit, yearning in desire to follow knowledge like a sinking star"? :'''Sinclair''': I didn't know you'd memorized it! :'''Catherine''': I lived with you for a year. I didn't have much choice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair grabs Catherine's wrist as she moves to leave his quarters.]'' :'''Catherine''': Don't touch me unless you mean it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': That hurt. :'''Na'Toth''': Ambassador, it was the only way to disable the paingivers. I had to hit them as hard as possible, as often as possible, and still make it appear as though I were beating you into another incarnation. :'''G'Kar''': And you didn't enjoy it in the least? :'''Na'Toth''': I didn't say that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'kar''': ''[To Tu'Pari]'' That's your flight. I suggest you board quickly. With luck, they may never find you, but if they do, you will know pain… :'''Na'toth''': …and you will know fear… :'''G'Kar''': …and then you will die. Have a pleasant flight. === [[w:Mind War|Mind War]] === <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': No, it's a fine time… :''[he looks up and spots the two Psi Cops, Bester and Kelsey–instantly realizing that they've been communicating telepathically with him]'' :'''Sinclair''': Get ''out of my head.'' You want to talk to me, '''talk to me!''' :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Apologies, Commander. It saves considerable time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar tries to dissuade a skeptical Catherine Sakai from her flight to Sigma 957.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Let me pass on to you the one thing I've learned about this place. '''No one here is exactly what he appears.''' Not Mollari, not Delenn, not Sinclair…and not me. : . . . :''[After returning from Sigma 957, Sakai seeks out G'Kar.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Ah, Ms. Sakai. I'm pleased to see that you have returned safely from your expedition. :'''Catherine Sakai''': Yes, thanks to you. Just one question. Why? :'''G'Kar''': Why not? :'''Catherine Sakai''': It's not an answer. :'''G'Kar''': Oh yes it is. It's simply not an answer you like or the answer you expected. There's a difference. Narns, humans, Centauri, we all do what we do for the same reason: because it seemed like a good idea at the time. There was no profit, no advantage in letting you fall to an untimely and most uncomfortable death. It would distress the Commander to no good effect. So once again we return to, "Why not?" I told you before you left: no one here is entirely what they appear. If I surprised you, all the better. Good day, Ms. Sakai. <hr width=50%/> :''[Garibaldi harbors a very rude thought towards Bester]'' :'''Bester''': Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi. But you're welcome to try. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talia''': Do you know what it's like when telepaths make love, Commander? You drop every defense, and it's all mirrors: reflecting each other's feelings deeper and deeper…until, somewhere along the line, your souls mix. And it's a feeling so profound it makes you hurt. It's the only moment in a telepath's life when you no longer hear the voices. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Catherine Sakai''': While I was out there, I saw something. What was it? :'''G'Kar''': ''[pointing to a nearby flower]'' What is this? ''[upon closer inspection, an insect is visible]'' :'''Catherine''': An ant. :'''G'Kar''': "Ant"! :'''Catherine''': So much gets shipped up from Earth on commercial transports, it's hard to keep them out. :''[As Catherine is talking, G'Kar carefully picks up the ant.]'' :'''G'Kar''': I have just picked it up on the tip of my glove. If I put it down again ''[replacing the ant on the flower]'' and it asks another ant, "What was that?" …how would it explain? There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They are vast, timeless. And if they are aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants…and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know. We've tried. And we've learned we can either stay out from underfoot, or be stepped on. :'''Catherine''': That's it? That's all you know? :'''G'Kar''': Yes. They are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe…that we have not yet explained everything. Whatever they are, Ms. Sakai, they walk near Sigma 957. They must walk there ''alone.'' === [[w:The War Prayer (Babylon 5)|The War Prayer]] === :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You're a vicious man. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I'm Head of Security. It's in the job description. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vir pleads with Londo for a young star-crossed Centauri couple.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': But they ''love'' each other! :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Love. Pah! Overrated. :''[Londo fetches a set of three pictures of Centauri women.]'' :'''Londo''': Here. Look. These are ''my'' three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities? Their personalities could shatter entire planets!{{hnote|A reference to the three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—War is the one left out}} Arranged marriages. Every one. But they worked out, they ''inspired'' me! Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here — 75 light-years away! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': …My shoes are too tight. :'''Vir''': …Excuse me? :'''Londo''': Something my father said. He was…old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting, alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "My shoes are too tight. But it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance." I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance. :'''Vir''': …I don't understand. :'''Londo''': ''[Smiling wistfully]'' Nor should you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Human ways are often unfathomable, but in time, one learns to live with them. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': If one has an exceedingly strong constitution. === [[w:And the Sky Full of Stars|And the Sky Full of Stars]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Everyone lies, Michael. The innocent lie because they don't want to be blamed for something they didn't do, and the guilty lie because they don't have any other choice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mysterious man accuses Sinclair of selling out to the Minbari at the Battle of the Line.]'' :'''Sinclair''': We never had a chance. You say we could have won, but you weren't there, you didn't see them! When I looked at those ships, I…I didn't just see ''my'' death — I saw the death of the ''whole damn'' human race! :'''Knight Two:''' Then why did they surrender?! :'''Sinclair:''' I don't know! Maybe the universe blinked. Maybe God changed His mind. All I know is that we got a second chance! === [[w:Deathwalker|Deathwalker]] === :''[Ambassador Kosh hires commercial telepath Talia for an mysterious job.]'' :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': We will meet in Red 3 at the hour of scampering. :''[Later, after the first meeting]'' :'''Kosh''': We shall commence again tomorrow at the hour of longing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kosh''': Ahh. You seek meaning. :'''Talia''': Yes. :'''Kosh''': Then listen to the music, not the song. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': ''[to a Drazi ship threatening to fire on the station]'' Vakar Ashok, our gun arrays are now fixed on your ship. They will fire the instant you come into range. You will find their power most impressive…for a few seconds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A distressed Talia presses Kosh for the meaning of his "business deal" with Abbut.]'' :'''Talia''': What ''is'' he? And what was on that data crystal he gave you? :'''Kosh''': Reflection. Surprise. Terror. For the future. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A gloating "Deathwalker" Jha'dur reveals the secret of her immortality drug.]'' :'''Jha'dur''': You and the rest of your kind take blind comfort in the belief that we are monsters, that you could never do what we did. The key ingredient in the anti-agapic cannot be synthesized. It must be taken from living beings. For one to live forever, another one must die. You will fall upon one another like ''wolves''. It will make what we did ''pale'' by comparison. The billions who live forever will be a testimony to my work. And the billions who are murdered to buy that ''immortality'' will be the continuance of my work. Not like us? You will ''become'' us. That's my monument, Commander. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Ambassador Kosh has been a busy boy today. :'''Sinclair''': They say God works in mysterious ways. :'''Garibaldi''': Maybe so. But He's a con man compared to the Vorlon. === [[w:Believers (Babylon 5)|Believers]] === :'''M'Ola''': No one knows what is written in the stream ''[of Time]'' until the waters surround him. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': After that [pacing to and fro], maybe I'll try pacing fro and to, just for the kick of it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': May God save us from false religion. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Who asked you to play God? :'''Franklin''': Every damn patient who comes through that door, that's who. People come to doctors because they want us to be gods. They want us to make it better…or make it not so. They want to be healed and they come to me when their prayers aren't enough. Well, if I have to take the responsibility, then I claim the authority too. I did good. And we both know it. And no one is going to take that away. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Franklin''': I'm waiting. For an apology. :'''Sinclair''': You'd better check the temperature in Hell first. === [[w:Survivors (Babylon 5)|Survivors]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Lieutenant Commander Ivanova, escort Major Kemmer off the Observation Dome. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': With pleasure. ''[to Kemmer]'' You are going to resist, I hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Lianna Kemmer''': I ''demand'' you open a channel to Earth at once! :'''Ivanova''': I am a Lieutenant Commander in Earthforce, Major. I do not take demands. If you have a request, I'll consider it. :'''Maj. Kemmer''': Very well, then. I ''request'' that you open a channel to Earthdome! :'''Ivanova''': Request denied. Have a nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar makes the suddenly fugitive Garibaldi an offer.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': What if I told you a ship is ready to spirit you away to Narn space? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I'd say "Why?" :'''G'Kar''': You could serve us in various ways. Analyst, security, cryptographer. If you grow homesick we could arrange for your return to human space with proper genetic alterations. That, too, might serve our needs. :'''Garibaldi''': You want me to betray my own world? :'''G'Kar''': Stop seeing things in such absolute terms. The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: ''energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest.'' Unless you comprehend that fact and soon, you will be cornered and caged. === [[w:By Any Means Necessary (Babylon 5)|By Any Means Necessary]] === :''[upon being told that Londo is the only one on the station who can provide him with a flower he needs for a religious ceremony]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Oh, why does the universe hate me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair uses his power to end a dockworkers' strike "by any means necessary"…by giving the strikers what they want]'' :'''Orin Zento''': You can't ''do'' this! :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': You're right, I ''couldn't''. Until you convinced the Senate to invoke the Rush Act. You should never hand someone a gun unless you're sure where they'll point it. Your mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Sinclair resolves the dockworkers' strike]'' :'''Senator Hidoshi''': If I were you, commander, I would watch things very carefully. You are not the most popular person in government circles right now. ''[ends their video call]'' :'''Sinclair''': So what else is new? === [[w:Signs and Portents|Signs and Portents]] === :''[one question, asked multiple times to different characters]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': What do you want? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I've always had a hard time getting up when it's dark outside. :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': But in space, it's ''always'' dark. :'''Ivanova''': ''[morosely]'' I know. I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Kiro dismisses his aunt's vision of Babylon 5's destruction.]'' :'''Lord Kiro''': You will forgive my aunt. She sometimes takes her role of prophetess too seriously. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Then you don't believe her vision? :'''Lord Kiro''': She's been wrong before. On my first birthday, she said that someday I would be killed by…''shadows''. {{hnote|This is the first mention in the series of 'shadows'.}} :'''Londo''': Shadows? :'''Lord Kiro''': Doesn't exactly make sense, does it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[when Morden repeatedly asks him what he wants]'' :'''Londo Mollari''': Do you ''really'' want to know what I want? Do you ''really'' want to know the truth? I want my people to reclaim their rightful place in the galaxy. I want to see the Centauri stretch forth their hand again and command the stars. I want a rebirth of glory, a renaissance of power! I want to stop running through my life like a man late for an appointment, afraid to look back or look forward. I want us to be what we used to be! I want…I want it all back the way it was. Does that answer your question? :''[he storms off, leaving Morden with a satisfied look]'' :'''Morden''': Yes. Yes, it does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[trying to find Sinclair, Morden runs into Kosh]'' :'''Kosh''': Leave this place. They are not for you. Go. Leave. NOW. === [[w:TKO (Babylon 5)|TKO]] === :''[Boxer Walker Smith decks a man trying to knife a distracted Garibaldi from behind.]'' :'''Walker Smith''': One of these days, Garibaldi…you're gonna learn to watch your back. {{hnote|Foreshadowing an event in the season 1 finale.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rabbi Yossel Koslov''': Without forgiveness, you cannot mourn. And without mourning, you can never let go of the pain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walker Smith''': Any ideas on how I should fight this guy? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': From inside a Main Battle Tank would be nice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the memorial service for Ivanova's father]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': When I was thirteen, I developed a passion for Kasharev, one of the radical neocommunist authors. :'''Rabbi Koslov''': Oy! Your father felt that Kasharev would be personally responsible for the destruction of Russian culture! :'''Ivanova''': Exactly! But he was invited to a reading by Kasharev, and I begged him to take me. Of course, he had no intention of going, but I whined and pouted as only a thirteen-year-old can, and eventually, he was forced to surrender. So, after the reading there was a question and answer session, and for days I had been formulating the perfect question with which to impress my idol. So the time comes, and I stand up, I'm trembling, and I ask my question. :'''Rabbi Koslov''': And? :'''Ivanova''': He promptly said that it was the most foolish thing that he had ever heard, and that he had no intention of bandying words with a bourgeois little twit who was barely out of diapers. ''[Laughs]'' I was crushed. But then Papa stood up. And he said that his daughter was neither bourgeois, nor a little twit, and had been out of diapers for many, many years, while Kasharev's writings had yet to rise above the ''contents'' of those garments! :'''Rabbi Koslov''': That sounds exactly like Andrei! :'''Ivanova''': He then added that were he not a man of peace, he would have horsewhipped Kasharev through the streets of St. Petersburg, as his own father should have done many years ago! :'''Rabbi Koslov''': Bravo, bravo! :'''Ivanova''': Well, of course I was mortified. But then Papa took my hand and he turned, and as we walked out, he said to me: "It was a good question, dushenka." === [[w:Grail (Babylon 5)|Grail]] === :''[Sinclair watches Garibaldi wolf down his food.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': They say food tastes better if you ''chew'' it first. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Don't talk, I've seen you eat. Does the term "[[w:Doppler effect|Doppler effect]]" ring a bell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thomas "Jinxo" Jordan tells his story, and the story of the "Babylon Curse," to Aldous Gajic.]'' :'''Jinxo''': I was too young to fight in the Minbari War, so when I got the chance to work space construction, I jumped for it. The day I went to work on the Babylon Station–we didn't number them at first, you know–I thought that was the best day of my life! I worked a few months, had some leave, so I took it. And the station's infrastructure collapsed. Sabotaged. They never found out who. :'''Aldous Gajic''': I remember. :'''Jinxo''': So I went to work on the second one. The firm still owned my contract until the station was finished. I took leave a second time, and ''that'' station was sabotaged. And then when B3 blew up, well, that's when I got the name Jinxo. When I went to work on B4, I didn't take any leave! I was there every minute until we finished it. I thought the Curse was gone. But as I was leaving on the shuttle, I looked back…and the station just sort of…''wrinkled'', twisted like putty, and then just disappeared. The minute I left. So then when they decided to build B5, I had to work on it. And I have to stay. I have to! :'''Aldous''': I'd say that you have the wrong nickname. They should have called you Lucky! :'''Jinxo''': How do you figure? :'''Aldous''': To have escaped the worst each time, that's a blessing. You're a very lucky man. Perhaps each time, you were exactly where you were meant to be. :'''Jinxo''': ''[slowly smiling]'' I never thought of it like that. :'''Aldous''': We never do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn has offered to help Aldous in his search for the Holy Grail]'' :'''Jinxo''': That's really nice! I mean, with the war and all, I figured you folks would…well, you know. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': There are two castes of Minbari, the warrior caste and the religious caste. The warrior caste would not understand. It is not their way. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[slyly]'' So we will not tell them, and spare them the confusion. :'''Aldous''': These two sides of your culture, do they ever agree on anything? :'''Delenn''': ''[soberly]'' Yes. And when they do, it is a terrible thing. A terrible power, [[w:Earth-Minbari War|as recent events have shown us]]. Let us hope it never again happens in our lifetime. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sinclair''': We've confiscated the fake encounter suit. It's a pretty close match to your own, at least from the outside. :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': Why? :'''Sinclair''': Deuce wanted to make people think he had the Vorlons working for him. He figured it would add to his image and intimidate people. :'''Kosh''': Why? :'''Sinclair''': Well, after all, no one knows exactly what you look like. That makes some people a little nervous. :'''Kosh''': Good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': There he goes–Jinx-…Thomas. :'''Sinclair''': Mm-hmm. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You never did tell me what you think about that curse. :'''Sinclair''': What curse? :'''Garibaldi''': You know. That bit about if he leaves Babylon 5, the same thing that happened to Babylons 1, 2, 3 and 4 would happen to us. :'''Sinclair''': Oh, that curse. You're not taking it seriously, are you? :'''Garibaldi''': Me? No, of course not. You? :'''Sinclair''': No. :'''Garibaldi''': So, how long until he hits jump? :'''Ivanova''': ''[working her console]'' Oh, right about…now! :''[the ship goes through the jump gate without incident]'' :'''Garibaldi''': No boom? :'''Sinclair''': ''[slightly disappointed]'' No boom. :'''Ivanova''': No boom ''today''. Boom tomorrow. There's ''always'' a boom tomorrow. :''[Sinclair and Garibaldi exchange an exasperated look and wander off.]'' :'''Ivanova''': What?! Look, somebody's got to have some damn perspective around here. Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM! {{hnote|Another foreshadowing of the station's ultimate end, though none of them specify the circumstances.}} === [[w:Eyes (Babylon 5)|Eyes]] === :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Protests are as much use with the Vorlons as fairy wings on a cement truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova confronts Psi Corps specialist Harriman Gray.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Mr. Gray. I'm grateful the Psi Corps has given you a purpose in life. ''[She looks him directly in the eye]'' But when that purpose includes scanning ''my mind'' to prove ''my loyalty'', it's not only an invasion of my privacy, but ''my honor!'' As for fear, if you enter my mind for any reason, I will ''twist'' your head off and use it for a ''chamber''pot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi enters the casino to find an angry, inebriated Ivanova mopping the floor with the patrons.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Are you gonna arrest me, Garibaldi? :'''Garibaldi''': No way! ''I'' wanna live to see the future. === [[w:Legacies (Babylon 5)|Legacies]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': We've fought long enough. Maybe it's time we started talking to one another. Branmer's life was more significant than his battles. Let the warrior caste praise his courage in war, and let the rest praise him for what he truly was—a man of peace. :'''[[w:Neroon|Neroon]]''': You talk like a Minbari, Commander! Perhaps there was some ''small'' wisdom in letting your species survive. :'''Sinclair''': We like to think so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': There's nothing more annoying than Mr. Garibaldi when he's right. === [[w:A Voice in the Wilderness (Babylon_5)#Part_One|A Voice in the Wilderness]], Part 1 === :''[Sinclair comes upon Talia waiting for a tube car.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Problem with the transport tube? :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': No, not really. It ''seems'' like every time I get into the tube, Mr. Garibaldi's there! It's like he knows! :'''Sinclair''': Talia, Mr. Garibaldi is many things, but he's ''not'' omniscient. :''[The tube opens, revealing a grinning Garibaldi, then closes again.]'' :'''Talia''': I think I'll take the stairs. :'''Sinclair''': I think I'll join you.{{hnote|The culmination of a running gag where every time Talia would board the tube, Garibaldi was indeed there before her.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Draal|Draal]]''': Quickly, what is the third principle of sentient life? :''[Delenn turns around and sees Draal.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Draal! :'''Draal''': Incorrect answer! The third principle of sentient life is the capacity for self-sacrifice: the conscious ability to override evolution and self-preservation for a cause, a friend, a loved one. It has been too long, Delenn. You have forgotten your training. Soon you will have forgotten all about your old friend Draal. :'''Delenn''': Not if I live to be a thousand and one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A survey shuttle limps back to ''Babylon 5'' after its second, near-fatal disaster.]'' :'''Dr. Tasaki''': Survey 1 to Babylon Control, we're clear. Returning to base. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Confirmed, Survey 1. Upon arrival, you ''will'' report for debriefing. ''[pauses]'' And just one more thing. On your trip back, I'd like you to take the time to learn the Babylon 5 mantra: "Ivanova…is always right. I will ''listen'' to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova…is God. And, if this ever happens again, Ivanova will ''personally'' rip your ''lungs'' out!" Babylon Control out. ''[sighs to herself]'' Civilians. ''[looks up]'' Just kidding about that God part. No offense. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo is cheering up Garibaldi with a tale.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': The next day, I woke up, I saw her in the light of day, sleeping against my arm, and I decided I would rather ''chew off'' my arm than wake her up. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Aw, that's sweet. :'''Londo''': No, no! She had a voice that could ''curdle'' fresh milk. "Londo!" "Yes, dear?" "Londo!" "Coming, my darling!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo to Garibaldi.]'' :'''Londo''': Now, I go to spread happiness to the rest of the station. It is a terrible responsibility but I have learned to live with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo vents his frustrations over trying to understand humans to Delenn and Draal.]'' :'''Londo''': These Earthers! I try to find out as much as I can about them to try to make some sense of them, but it never seems to come together. :'''Delenn''': They do seem to be a mass of contradictions. :'''Londo''': Exactly my point! Here–six thousand years of recorded history, a history that includes remarkable composers, astonishing symphonies! But what is the one song that half of them sing to their children generation after generation? ::You put your right hand in, ::You put your right hand out. ::You put your whole self in, ::And you turn yourself about. ::You do the hokey-pokey, ::You give a little shout. ::That's what it's all about! :It doesn't mean anything! I have been studying it for seven days! I had the computer analyze it! I swear to you, it does not mean a thing! :'''Delenn''': We've come at a bad time, haven't we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair and Ivanova try to retrieve the machine-ensconced alien while the planet quakes around them.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Commander, we don't have a lot of time. We're cut off from the way we came in, we don't know if we can find another way back to the ship before we run out of air… :'''Sinclair''': We can't leave him like this! :'''Ivanova''': I know, I know. It's a Russian thing. When we're about to do something stupid, we like to catalog the full extent of our stupidity for future reference. === [[w:A Voice in the Wilderness (Babylon_5)#Part_Two|A Voice in the Wilderness]], Part 2 === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': The third principle of sentient life is its capacity for self-sacrifice, for a cause…a loved one…for a friend. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A conflict between Earth and Mars has Garibaldi, who grew up on Mars, at odds with an Earther barfly.]'' :'''Barfly''': Like my granddad used to say: "Nuke 'em till they glow, and shoot 'em in the dark!" That'll take care of them. Just like magic. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Magic? Want to see magic? I got a little magic trick for ya. I got a little magic that'll make you pass through the top of the bar! ''[grabs the barfly]'' :'''Barfly''': Hey! Leggo! :'''Garibaldi''': I'll need complete silence or I'll have to ask for another volunteer from the audience. Let's see, what was that magic word again? Shazam? ''[slams the barfly into the bar]'' No, that's not it. I'll tell you what, I'll go home and look at my books, then I'll come back. If you're still talking trash about killing Marsies, we'll try it again and again ''[slams him again]'' until we get it right, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Ambassador, do you really want to know what's going on down there right now? :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Yes, absolutely. :'''Ivanova''': Boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom. BOOM! Have a nice day. :''[She walks away with a smile, leaving Londo to stew.]'' :'''Londo''': Faugh! You can never get a straight answer from anyone around here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Captain Pierce of the EAS ''Hyperion'' and an alien ship trade ultimatums]'' :'''Ivanova''': Worst case of testosterone poisoning I've ever seen. === [[w:Babylon Squared|Babylon Squared]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Summoned, I come. In Valen's name, I take the place that has been prepared for me. I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey. We stand between the darkness and the light. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Krantz''': What if we take you with us? Put you on trial? :'''[[w:Zathras|Zathras]]''': Zathras not of this time. You take, Zathras die. You leave, Zathras die. Either way, it is bad for Zathras. === [[w:The Quality of Mercy (Babylon 5)|The Quality of Mercy]] === :''[Ivanova barges into Dr. Franklin's illicit free clinic. He is bent over a notepad, distracted.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': ''[not paying attention]'' You can start by removing your clothes. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Not without dinner and flowers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': I'm still waiting for an explanation, gentlemen. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Yes. And I'm prepared to give you one, Commander, as soon as the room stops spinning. :'''Sinclair''': This station creates gravity by rotation. It never stops spinning. :'''Londo''': Well, you begin to see my problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talia has been recruited to scan a convicted murderer before he undergoes his sentence of death of personality]'' :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': I don't want to do this again. I was inside a killer's mind before, on the Mars Colony. There's got to be another way. : . . . :'''Karl Edward Mueller''': So you're going to walk around in my head, eh? I'd think twice if I were you. Something might just jump out of the shadows and bite you. : . . . :''[during the scan, Talia is horrified by Mueller's memories of his victims]'' :'''Talia''': How many? …''How many?'' :'''Mueller''': How many worlds are there? How many banquets? How many flowers waiting to be harvested? How many new voices, waiting to be recruited into my choir? ''[…]'' The overture is just beginning… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talia tells Garibaldi what she saw in Mueller's mind]'' :'''Talia''': You once said you'd bet good money he'd killed before? You would not have lost. === [[w:Chrysalis (Babylon 5)|Chrysalis]] === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': But this…this, this, this is like… being ''nibbled'' to death by, uh…Pah! What are those Earth creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet…go "quack". :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': Cats. :'''Londo''': Cats! I'm being nibbled to death by ''cats''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo chats with Morden in the garden.]'' :'''Londo''': There comes a time when you look into the mirror, and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. Then you accept it, or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking into mirrors. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in a bar on the Zocalo, after EarthForce 1's destruction]'' :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': And so it begins. You have forgotten something, Commander. <hr width="50%"/> :''[speaking to his "associates"]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': Yes. I think he's ready.…Perfect for our needs.…No.…No. He suspects nothing.…When the time is right, Ambassador Mollari will do exactly as we wish.…Destiny is on ''our'' side. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''Sinclair''': Nothing's the same anymore. == Season 2: The Coming of Shadows == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. A self-contained world five miles long, located in neutral territory. A place of commerce and diplomacy for a quarter of a million humans and aliens. A shining beacon in space, all alone in the night. It was the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind… the year the Great War came upon us all. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2259. The name of the place is ''Babylon 5''. === [[w:Points of Departure (Babylon 5)|Points of Departure]] === :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[voiceover]'' Status report, Lieutenant Commander Susan Ivanova recording. It is now eight days since the death of Earth Alliance President Luis Santiago, and five days since Commander Sinclair was recalled to Earth without explanation. And the whole place has gone straight to hell. :''[A transport tube opens to reveal Ivanova addressing a quartet of cowering humans and aliens.]'' :'''Ivanova''': And as far as I'm concerned, the transports can wait until the SUN EXPLODES! And if you're not happy with the seating arrangements, I will personally order your seats to be moved ''outside'', ''down'' the hall, ''across'' the station, and into the fusion reactor! Am I absolutely, perfectly clear on this? :''[As she leaves them to their bickering, she continues her narration about the chaos on the station after Sinclair's abrupt recall.]'' :'''Ivanova''': ''[voiceover]'' I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin tells Ivanova about Garibaldi's coma.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Well then, I'll say a prayer for him tonight. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': He's agnostic. :'''Ivanova''': Then I'll say half a prayer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova greets Babylon 5's new commanding officer and brings him up to speed.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': What's our status? :'''Ivanova''': The Chief of Security is in critical condition in MedLab. He thinks there's a conspiracy concerning the President's death. Ambassador G'Kar has mysteriously vanished, after two years we still don't know what Ambassador Kosh looks like inside his encounter suit, and Ambassador Delenn is in a cocoon. :'''Sheridan''': A cocoon? As in, a moth or a butterfly. :'''Ivanova''': Yes sir. ''[holds one hand at chin height]'' 'Bout yea high. :'''Sheridan''': Interesting place you have here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan's "good luck speech" upon taking command of Babylon 5]'' :'''Sheridan''': When I was 21, I visited Tibet. I went to see the new Dalai Lama. Uh, you do that sort of thing when you're 21 and the son of a diplomatic envoy. We had a simple dinner. Rice, raisins, carrots—steamed, not boiled—and green tea. When it was over, he looked at me and said, "Do you understand?" I said no, I didn't. "Good beginning," he said. "You'll be even better when you begin to understand what you do not understand." After reading some of your reports, I begin to understand what I don't understand about Babylon 5. But I couldn't wish for a more capable and skilled group of people to learn from. It was an early Earth President, Abraham Lincoln, who best described our current situation. He said… :''[he gets interrupted by a security alarm]'' : . . . :'''Sheridan''': ''[delivering the rest of his speech to an empty C&C]'' It was an early Earth president, Abraham Lincoln, who best described our situation. "The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise to the occasion. We cannot escape history. We will be remembered in spite of ourselves. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the last generation. We shall nobly save or meanly lose our last, best hope of Earth." ''[He looks around with a satisfied smile.]'' Five minutes to spare. === [[w:Revelations (Babylon 5)|Revelations]] === :''[Londo rants before the Babylon 5 Advisory Council about the missing G'Kar and Delenn.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': There, you see! One ''deserts'' his post without any explanation, the other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options, like becoming a ''butterfly''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo finds Morden's suggestions of future attacks against the Narn entertaining.]'' :'''Londo''': Why don't you eliminate the entire Narn homeworld while you're at it? ''[chuckles]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': One thing at a time, Ambassador. One thing at a time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[waking up from his coma]'' Oh, God. I'm out of it for a few days, the whole place goes to hell! :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Well, I hope I can prove otherwise. Captain John Sheridan, your new CO. :'''Garibaldi''': I don't know you. :'''Sheridan''': No, but I think we'll get along just fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': ''[quoting [[William Butler Yeats|Yeats']] "Second Coming"]'' :: [[William Butler Yeats#centre-hold|Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold]]; :: Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, :: The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere :: The ceremony of innocence is drowned; :: [[William Butler Yeats#rough-beast|And what rough beast]], its hour come round at last, :: Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? === [[w:The Geometry of Shadows|The Geometry of Shadows]] === :''[A Technomage uses an illusion of a massive robotic creature to scare Vir away.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': ''[to the illusion]'' My name is Vir Cotto, diplomatic attache to ambassador Londo Mollari of the Centauri Republic! My name is Vir Cotto, diplomatic attache to ambassador Londo Mollari of the Centauri Republic! My name is… :'''Elric''': Stop program. ''[the illusion pauses, then vanishes]'' You don't frighten easily. :'''Vir''': I work for Ambassador Mollari. After a while, nothing bothers you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elric''': There is an old saying: "Do not try the patience of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin is treating Ivanova's broken foot.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': I can give you something for the pain… :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Oh, great. ''Now'' you can give me something for the pain. :'''Franklin''': What? :'''Ivanova''': Where were you when I was going through puberty? :''[He chuckles.]'' :'''Ivanova''': No, it's okay; I'll get used to it. If it gets too bad, I'll just…gnaw it off at the ankle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elric''': We are dreamers, shapers, singers, and makers. We study the mysteries of laser and circuit, crystal and scanner, holographic demons and invocation of equations. These are the tools we employ, and we know many things. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Such as? :'''Elric''': The true secrets, the important things. Fourteen words to make someone fall in love with you forever. Seven words to make them go without pain. How to say good-bye to a friend who is dying. How to be poor. How to be rich. How to rediscover dreams when the world has stolen them. That is why we are going away—to preserve that knowledge. :'''Sheridan''': From what? :'''Elric''': There is a storm coming, a black and terrible storm. We would not have our knowledge lost or used to ill purpose. From this place we will launch ourselves into the stars. With luck, you will never see our kind again in your lifetime. I know you have your orders, Captain. Detain us if you wish. But I cannot tell you where we are going. I can only ask you to trust us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova has been kidnapped by the Green Drazi.]'' :'''Ivanova''': What does it take to get through to you? You're making a mistake of galactic proportions! Assaulting an Earth Alliance officer, attempting mass murder…! :'''Green Drazi''': Green must fight Purple. Purple must fight Green. Is no other way! :'''Ivanova''': Just my luck. I get stuck with a race that speaks only in macros. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova accidentally becomes the Green Drazi leader by grabbing the former leader's sash.]'' :'''Ivanova''': You're saying just because I'm ''holding'' this right now, ''I'm'' Green leader? But I'm human! :'''Former Drazi Leader''': Rules of combat older than contact with other races. Did not mention aliens. Rules change…caught up in committee. Not come through yet. :'''Ivanova''': Yeah, bureaucracy. Tell me about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Now if I may ask, does this torment end when you leave? Or am I going to have to spend the rest of my life paying for one little mistake? :'''Elric''': Oh, I'm afraid you're going to have to spend the rest of your life paying for your mistakes. Not this one of course, it's trivial, I have withdrawn the spell, but there will be others. :'''Londo''': What are you talking about? :'''Elric''': You are touched by darkness, Ambassador. I see it as a blemish that will grow with time. I could warn you of course, but you would not listen. I could kill you, but someone would take your place. So I do the only thing I can: I go. ''[starts to turn away, then turns back to Londo]'' Oh, I believe it was an endorsement you wanted? A word or two, a picture, to send to the folks back home, confirming that you have a destiny before you? :'''Londo''': Yes, it was just a thought, nothing more. :'''Elric''': Well, take this for what little it will profit you. As I look at you, Ambassador Mollari, I see a great hand ''reaching'' out of the stars. The hand is your hand. And I hear sounds - the sounds of billions of people calling your name. :'''Londo''': My followers? :'''Elric''': Your victims. === [[w:A Distant Star|A Distant Star]] === :''[Captain Jack Maynard of the ''Cortez'' has just met Delenn]'' :'''Capt. Maynard''': John! She's…Minbari? :'''Sheridan''': Mm-hmm. :'''Capt. Maynard''': Uh…but she doesn't look like one! I mean, she does, but…but she doesn't! I mean, what's the deal? :'''Sheridan''': We're still trying to figure that out. There's the story she told us, but then, the Minbari never tell you the ''whole'' truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin watches Ivanova as she storms off with his recovery-enhancing "food plan".]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Figures. All my life, I've fought against imperialism. Now, suddenly, I ''am'' the expanding Russian frontier. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': But with very nice borders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I'll tell you one thing. If the primates that we came from had known that someday politicians would come out of the gene pool, they'd have stayed up in the trees and written evolution off as a bad idea! Hell, I always thought the opposable thumb was overrated! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': An old friend of mine once quoted me a ''[sic]''…ancient Egyptian blessing: God be between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': I wish I had your…faith in the universe. I just don't see it sometimes. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Then I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station, and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff. We are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And as we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi is cooking bagna cauda for himself and Dr. Franklin.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Trust me, Doc, you are gonna love this! :'''Franklin''': I can feel my arteries hardening just being in the same room with it! === [[w:The Long Dark (Babylon 5 episode)|The Long Dark]] === :''[A wild, unkempt Lurker assails G'Kar with a confused sermon.]'' :'''Amis''': I have walked in the valley of th— :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Good! Keep on walking. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the brig, Amis has a nightmare]'' :'''Amis''': Incoming! Incoming! Incoming! INCOMING! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': How long has he been like that? :'''Guard''': Couple hours now. :'''Amis''': To the walls. Get to the walls! :'''Guard''': Damn Lurkers. We oughta space all of them. :'''Garibaldi''': Hanson? :'''Amis''': Oh God. Stop them. Incoming. :'''Garibaldi''': Were you in [[w:Earth–Minbari War|the war]]? :'''Guard''': No, I missed it. :'''Garibaldi''': He didn't. :'''Guard''': How do you know? :'''Garibaldi''': ''[in a sad, manner-of-fact tone]'' I've had that same dream. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amis''': ''[after waking up in the brig]'' Oh, God. What did I do this time? :'''Garibaldi''': You don't remember? :'''Amis''': Well, I've found that life is, in general, much easier if I forget most of the things that happen to me. :'''Garibaldi''': You were about to accuse the Centauri ambassador of being in league with the devil…which may not be far from the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi and Sheridan consider the dessicated body from a failed [[w:Cryogenics|cryogenic]] tube.]'' :'''Garibaldi''': Lousy way to die, huh? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Hmm. Last time I checked, there weren't too many good ways. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Newly unfrozen traveller Mariah Cirrus meets G'Kar.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Take my advice and go back to the time you came from. The future isn't what it used to be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alien Council member''': Evil sometimes wears a pleasant face. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Ivanova close in on an invisible, ravenous alien.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You got a plan? :'''Sheridan''': Let's try not to get ''killed''. :'''Ivanova''': Brilliant. === [[w:A Spider in the Web|A Spider in the Web]] === :''[Sheridan sends Ivanova to resolve a problem, then sighs to himself.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Ah, it's good to be the captain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Well, my pop always said that laughter was better than pills for what ails you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You know how I feel about telepaths. :'''Sheridan''': Do I ever. You threw one out a third-story window on Io. :'''Ivanova''': There was an ample pool below the window! :'''Sheridan''': I'll assume you knew that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': Telepaths are gifted and cursed in ways I can never hope to understand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': There is a spider in the web, Mr. Garibaldi. And I intend to find it and kill it. === [[w:Soul Mates|Soul Mates]] === :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': ''[Practicing his greetings to Londo's wives]'' It is a ''pleasure'' to meet you. It is a pleasure to ''meet'' you! It is a pleasure to meet ''you''. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[Notices Vir talking to himself and approaches] '' Gonna introduce me, Vir? :'''Vir''': You must think I look odd right now... ''[an alien passes by with Garibaldi staring]''. :'''Garibaldi''': Well, I guess it's a little relative... ''[referring to the alien's strange appearance]'' :'''Vir''': Actually, it's ''relatives''. I'm here to pick up some women. :'''Garibaldi''': You'll have more luck at bars. :'''Vir''': No, I… :'''Garibaldi''': Just kidding. :''[Vir laughs]'' :'''Garibaldi''': So, who are these women? Diplomats? :'''Vir''': Oh, Ambassador Mollari's three wives. :'''Garibaldi''': Whoa! A harem! The lucky dog. ''[a Centauri woman walks in]'' :'''Timov''': Are you Vir?! :'''Vir''': Yes! :'''Timov''': I am Timov, daughter of Alguhl. You will take me to my husband. :'''Vir''': I was told there'd be three of you… :'''Timov''': ''[Looks at Garibaldi]'' Who is this? :'''Vir''': Uhh… :'''Timov''': No never mind. I said you'd take me. Is your hearing deficient? :'''Vir''': No, but I do have a… :'''Timov''': Then let's be off! ''[Walks away]'' :'''Vir''': It ''is'' a pleasure to meet you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talia gets wind of a new arrival on the station.]'' :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': Stoner? Matt Stoner? :'''Garibaldi''': Yeah, yeah, that was his name. Matthew. :'''Talia''': He's not here on Babylon 5? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Is that a problem? :''[Talia sighs and nods her head "yes."]'' :'''Garibaldi''': You know him? :'''Talia''': Only in the most unpleasant sense. I was married to him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': He drags me out here, gives me no reason why he wants to see me! What's he hiding, Vir? Tell me! I won't bite, Vir. :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': With all due respect, madam, that's not what I heard. :'''Timov''': All right, that one time. :'''Vir''': It was twice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': Daggair! My, what a surprise! :'''Daggair''': A pleasant one? :'''Timov''': I wouldn't go ''that'' far. :'''Vir''': Madame Daggair, my pardons! This is unconscionable! I was at customs. I don't know how I could have missed you! :'''Timov''': Believe me Vir, if you knew her as well as I do, you wouldn't miss her a bit. :'''Daggair''': Oh, Timov, Timov, why do you always try to draw me into your little verbal fencing matches? :'''Timov''': Because I don't have a real sword handy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vir''': Can I get you anything? :'''Timov''': Yes!! You can get me out of here! Who does Londo think he is, keeping us sitting about? :'''Daggair''': He probably thinks he's our husband. And we, as dutiful wives, must await his return. Is that not right, Vir? :'''Vir''': Well, actually— :'''Timov''': You are joking, Daggair! :'''Daggair''': Your problem, Timov, is that you've never known your place. :'''Timov''': My place?! You once threatened to break a vase over his head! :'''Daggair''': Well, haha, that was the impetuousness of youth. :'''Timov''': That was last month! Daggair, what are you playing at? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[enters room]'' Well, well, here you are! :'''Timov''': And here '''you''' are finally, where have you been?!! :'''Londo''': Affairs of state my dear. :'''Timov''': State of inebriation, I wager. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn struggles with her new hair.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Commander, I want you to understand. I acquired human characteristics to bring your people and mine closer together! To symbolize our mutuality! It is supposed to be a dignified, inspiring transition for both humans and Minbari, so will you please explain to me why this, this, this… :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Hair. :'''Delenn''': …refuses to cooperate?! ''[Ivanova gets a little closer.]'' I had no problems with it at first, but as time passed it… :'''Ivanova''': ''[feels Delenn's hair]'' It's…pretty brittle. What are you washing it with? :'''Delenn''': Washing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': The secret of our marriage's success, Londo, is our lack of communication. You have jeopardized that success and I would know why! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': You knew about this you knew!!! :'''Daggair''': I was caught completely unawares, I assure you! ''[To Londo]'' Petulant isn't she? Well, breeding will tell. :'''Timov''': Ha! A '''bitch''' like you would know about breeding. ''[Daggair barely chokes down her drink, then stares daggers at Timov]'' :'''Londo''': ''[Smiling widely]'' Ladies, ladies, please…Continue! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo warns Captain Sheridan about Mariel.]'' :'''Londo''': On Earth you have these creatures–insects attracted to flames? :'''Sheridan''': Uh, yes. Moths. They're drawn to flames and bright lights and get burned. :'''Londo''': Mariel is drawn to men of power in that same way. But trust me. ''She'' burns ''them!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daggair''': Let's let Londo decide that. :'''Mariel''': ''[Referring to Daggair and herself]'' The both of us? Together??? :'''Daggair''': If it pleases Londo, it pleases me. :'''Londo''': No, this isn't right. Timov should be here too! :'''Timov''': Did you seriously expect me to become involved in your sexual Olympics? :'''Londo''': They're merely expressing their feelings for me. :'''Timov''': I can do that. ''[She slaps Londo on the face…hard]'' :'''Londo''': You haven't changed. :'''Timov''': You have. You've devolved! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo awakes from a coma.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Are you okay? Londo, do you know where you are? :'''Londo''': ''[looks around and sees his wives]'' Either in Medlab, or in Hell. Either way, the decor needs work. :'''Daggair''': Oh, Doctor Franklin! Thank you for saving our husband! You've done the Centauri a great service! :'''Mariel''': I agree. It's so good to see you with us again, Londo! :'''Londo''': Well, that settles it, Doctor! I am in hell! And what, not a word from you, Timov? Not an insincere word of relief? Not a blink of false concern for my well-being? :'''Timov''': No. If you'll excuse me, I'll be in my quarters. I'm suddenly feeling…quite fatigued. ''[She leaves.]'' :'''Mariel''': Yes, I think I will do the same. ''[She leaves, followed by Daggair.]'' :'''Londo''': Augh. Nightmares, all of them! And Timov, the worst of the lot! :'''Franklin''': Ambassador Mollari, do you mind if I make one personal observation? :'''Londo''': No, not at all. :'''Franklin''': Stick it. ''[He walks off.]'' :'''Londo''': ''[to himself]'' How odd. And I didn't even know we were married. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar and Mariel just discussed Mariel's part in the attempted assassination of Mollari.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': I warn you Mariel, do not be overconfident. If I was married to Londo Mollari I'd be concerned. :'''Mariel''': G'Kar, if ''you'' were married to Londo, we'd all be concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo chooses to keep Timov as his wife and divorce the two others.]'' :'''Timov''': Why did you choose to keep me as your wife and not them? I've made no pretense of affection for you, I find your recent actions contemptible, I'll never love you, at best I'll tolerate you, and I'll never be what you want me to be. Why me? :'''Londo''': Because with you, I will always know where I stand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': Taking on human characteristics has been something of an education for both of us! :'''Ivanova''': Well, if you have any other problems, any other questions at all, just ask! ''[They step into a transport tube.]'' :'''Delenn''': Well…now that you mention it…do you have any idea why I suddenly started getting these…odd cramps? === [[w:A Race Through Dark Places|A Race Through Dark Places]] === :''[Sheridan complains to a bemused Franklin about the "bean counters" trying to charge him rent for his quarters.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': They nibble a little bit here, a little bit there—next thing you know, you're not even in charge of your own ''command'' anymore! :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': No taxation without representation. [[Patrick Henry#liberty|Give me liberty or give me death!]] :'''Sheridan''': Abso-fraggin'-lutely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan has been invited to dinner by Delenn.]'' :'''Sheridan''': One day they're shooting at you, the next day they're taking you out to dinner. Ha! What a universe! <hr width="50%"/> :''Bester informs Sheridan, Ivanova, and Garibaldi that rogue telepaths are using Babylon 5 as a transfer point to escape, and requests their help in apprehending them.'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|Sheridan]] to Garibaldi''': Well, you've been pretty quiet. Is he right, or isn't he? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Garibaldi]]''': Technically? Yeah, I suppose. We're obliged to uphold the laws of Earth Alliance. It doesn't mean we have to like it. And if there is some kind of illegitimate travel going through here, it's a threat to station security and we have to know about it. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Ivanova]]''': Come on, Garibaldi. You can't tell me you agree with this. You want to help them? :'''Garibaldi''': Want, agree, that has nothing to do with it. The law is the law. It's damn ironic, isn't it? The Corps got started because we were afraid of telepaths, now they're victims of our own fears. We took away every right they had and shoved them into a big black box called Psi Corps. Now look at them. Black uniforms, jackboots, giving orders. Some days they scare the hell out of me. :'''Sheridan''': Yeah, if you ask me we created our own monster. And maybe we deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn meets Sheridan for dinner, dressed in a stylish [[w:little black dress|little black dress]].]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I apologize for being late, Captain. I decided that as part of learning more about humans, I would try to dress like one tonight. I hope it does not offend you. :'''Sheridan''': No, no, not at all! It's…very attractive! Uh, please! ''[He helps her to her seat, but as he does, he notices a diner at the next table staring rudely.]'' Something I can do for you? ''[The man turns back to his meal.]'' :'''Delenn''': It appears my choice was successful. The woman who sold me this told me that I would definitely…"turn heads"? :'''Sheridan''': ''[laughing]'' Yeah, well, if they turned much further, you'd be sued for whiplash! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Ivanova are camping in his office due to being locked out of their quarters]'' :'''Sheridan''': How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light bulb? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I don't know, sir. How many Minbari ''does'' it take to screw in a light bulb? :'''Sheridan''': None. They always surrender right before they finish the job and they never tell you why. :''[Ivanova groans, Sheridan smiles.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Knock, knock. :'''Ivanova''': Who's there? :'''Sheridan''': Kosh. :'''Ivanova''': Kosh who? :'''Sheridan''': Gesundheit. ''[snickers]'' I thought that was a good one. :'''Ivanova''': Were you like this when you were married? :'''Sheridan''': Huh? Yeah. :'''Ivanova''': The woman was a saint. : . . . :''[the next night]'' :'''Ivanova''': Captain, I'd like to note two things for the record. :'''Sheridan''': Yes, Commander? :'''Ivanova''': Item One: I don't think this protest is gonna work. Earth Central never gives in when it comes to money. But if you're determined to keep at it, I'm prepared to do the same. Item Two: You snore. :'''Sheridan''': No, I don't! :'''Ivanova''': Yes, you do! :'''Sheridan''': No, I don't! :'''Ivanova''': Captain, either you snore, or last night we had a ''hell'' of a breach in the hull. I get dibs on the couch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester addresses the command staff after an attempt on his life by rogue telepaths.]'' :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': They must be getting desperate to try something like this. They know we're onto them. Why else would they try to kill me? :'''Ivanova''': Is this a multiple-choice question? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': Would it interest you to know that I'm married, Mr. Garibaldi? That I have a five-year-old daughter? That on Sundays when I'm back home, we pack a picnic lunch and go out under the dome on Syria Planum and watch the stars come out? Hardly the description of a monster. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[applauds sarcastically]'' Smooth! You're getting good at this. Keep working on it, and one of these days I might even be convinced that you're human. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after tricking Bester into thinking he's killed the rogue telepaths, Talia speaks with the rogues' leader]'' :'''Leader''': You know you can't go back again. :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': I can't leave the Corps. They'll come after me. :'''Leader''': No, I mean in here! ''[points to his head]'' You know too much. If Bester scans you, he'll…Can you keep him out? :'''Talia''': I think so. Jason's little gift. :'''Leader''': He gave you more than you know. What we did back there, it shouldn't have worked. Not with that Psi Cop. You tipped the balance. I felt it when we were joined. You're more than you think you are. :'''Talia''': Then what am I? :'''Leader''': The future. === [[w:The Coming of Shadows|The Coming of Shadows]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': So you are going to allow this? Even over my objections? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': What, did I somehow turn invisible or something? Yes, Ambassador. The Emperor is allowed to come aboard. Now, if this bothers you, I suggest you stay in your quarters, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum ''real loud'' until it's over! Unless you'd like to try something as breathtakingly rational as trying to open up a ''dialog''? G'Kar, you are in a position to directly negotiate with the head of the Centauri Republic, and you are wasting it on a tantrum! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Centauri Emperor Turhan talks to Captain Sheridan about their paths in life.]'' :'''[[w:Turhan|Emperor Turhan]]''': Why are you here, in this place, in that uniform? Was it your choice or were you pressed into service? :'''Sheridan''': It was my choice. The planetary draft didn't start until the war, a few years later. I guess I wanted to serve something that was bigger than I was. Make a difference, somewhere, somehow. You seem interested in why people chose to be here. :'''Turhan''': It has occurred to me recently that I have never chosen anything. I was born into a role that was prepared for me. I did everything I was asked to do because it never occurred to me to choose otherwise. And now, at the end of my life, I wonder what might have been. :'''Sheridan''': That's why my father taught me to live each second as though it were the last moment of my life. He said, "If you love, love without reservation. If you fight, fight without fear." He called it "the way of the warrior." :'''Turhan''': No regrets then? :'''Sheridan''': A few. But just a few. You? :'''Turhan''': Oh, enough to fill a lifetime. So much has been lost, so much forgotten. So much ''pain'', so much ''blood''. And for what, I wonder? The past tempts us, the present confuses us, and the future frightens us. And our lives slip away, moment by moment, lost in that vast terrible in-between. But there is still time to seize that one last, fragile moment. To choose something better, to make a difference, as you say. And I intend to do just that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': I was ready. I had prepared myself, I had made my peace with the universe, put all my affairs in order. I had the dagger in my hand! And he has the ''indecency'' to start dying on his own! Never in my life have I seen a worse case of timing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin brings a message from the ill Emperor to G'Kar, who had planned to kill the Centauri leader.]'' :'''G'Kar''': How ''is'' the poor fellow? I was ''so'' looking forward to meeting him and opening up…a ''dialog''. : . . . :''[Franklin relays the Emperor's message.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': He said…"We're ''wrong''. The hatred between our people can never end until ''someone'' is willing to say, 'I'm sorry'. And try and find a way to make things right again, to atone for our actions." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi receives a recorded message from former boss Jeffrey Sinclair.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': There's a great darkness coming, Michael. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emperor Turhan''': I would very much like to have seen a Vorlon. :''[he closes his eyes; when he reopens them, Kosh is standing over him]'' :'''Emperor Turhan''': How will this end? :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': In fire.{{hnote|Foreshadows Babylon 5's eventual destruction.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[relaying the Emperor's "last words"]'' He said…"Continue. Take my people back…to the stars." : . . . :''[outside Medlab, after the Emperor's death]'' :'''[[w:Antono Refa|Lord Antono Refa]]''': Mollari, what did he say? Really? :'''Londo''': He said…"You are both damned." :'''Lord Refa''': Well, it's a small enough price to pay for immortality. === [[w:Gropos|Gropos]] === :'''General Richard Franklin''': ''[meeting Garibaldi]'' I had an Alfredo Garibaldi under my command during the Dilgar invasion. Excellent soldier! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[smiles proudly]'' That was my dad. :'''Gen. Franklin''': ''[unimpressed]'' So much for genetics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Dr. Stephen Franklin]]''': I'm a doctor! My duty is to heal! :'''Gen. Franklin''': Then heal ''humans!'' Stephen, I know you're fascinated by these alien creatures, but they're a threat to humanity. And they always will be. Help your own kind! :'''Dr. Franklin''': Life is life, whether it's wrapped in skin, scales, or feathers! Now if you ''respected'' these beings instead of constantly trying to ''murder'' them, you'd appreciate that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': We are all slaves to our histories. If there is to be a…bright future, we must learn to break those chains. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': There's only one truth about war: people ''die''. Killing is part of a soldier's job—we can't deny it. We can only live with it and hope the reasons for doing it are justified. === [[w:All Alone in the Night|All Alone in the Night]] === :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Being asked to serve on the Council is a matter of soul, not of flesh. The change you've gone through, it shouldn't matter. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': But it does, Lennier. I made a decision, and now I must face the consequences. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New Grey Council member Neroon confronts Delenn.]'' :'''[[w:Neroon|Neroon]]''': You are an ''affront'' to the purity of our race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Strieb ship, Sheridan has a strange dream about ''Babylon 5'' and some of its denizens.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Dream Ivanova #1]]''': Do you know who I am? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Dream Garibaldi]]''': The man in-between is searching for you. :'''Dream Ivanova #2''': You are the hand. :''[Sheridan turns to see Kosh.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Why are you ''here''? :'''[[w:Kosh|Dream Kosh]]''': We were never away. For the first time, your mind is quiet enough to hear me. :'''Sheridan''': Why am I ''here''? :'''Dream Kosh''': You have ''always'' been here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back on Babylon 5, Sheridan encounters Kosh.]'' :'''Kosh''': You have ''always'' been here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan asks Hague why he trusts him with his secret effort to investigate the new Earth government.]'' :'''General Hague''': A soldier's record tells a lot about a person. Not just what he's done, but how he's done it and why. And you have an uncommon failing for someone in your position, Captain. You're a ''patriot''. You believe as I do that when we put on this uniform, we took a solemn vow to ''protect'' Earth against threats from outside ''and'' from within. ''[…]'' Your cooperation is essential, if we're going to take back our government. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan asks his staff if they want in on the conspiracy.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Hey, I never did know when to butt out. We're with you, Captain. Wherever this goes, however it ends, we're with you. === [[w:Acts of Sacrifice|Acts of Sacrifice]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I was there when our war against Earth began, when our ship encountered an Earth vessel for the first time. Afraid of us, of the unknown, they fired. I saw our leader dying. I heard the cries for revenge, for ''blood'', for ''death''. In return we nearly exterminated an entire species. My people are tired of war, G'Kar! <!-- INCLUDED FOR [[w:Acts of Sacrifice]] REFERENCE --> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin takes exception to the Lumati's disdain for medical treatment of the infirm.]'' :'''Correlilmerzon [through Taq]''': It does not serve evolution. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Well, my job isn't ''serving'' evolution — it's serving ''humanity'', even when the patient isn't human. :'''Correlilmerzon [through Taq]''': Yes, but what happens when the inferior, saved from the process of natural selection, begin to outnumber the superior? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You know, I think we should all be moving on by now… :'''Franklin''': I don't believe that ''any'' form of sentient life is inferior to any other. :'''Correlilmerzon [through Taq]''': Yes. We often hear that argument from inferior species and their sympathizers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan asks Delenn for help in providing covert assistance to Narn civilians without the approval of EarthGov.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': …Ambassador, I've learned the hard way that governments deal in matters of convenience, not conscience. If they fall behind, it is up to the rest of ''us'' to make up the difference. If ''we'' don't, who ''will''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ambassador Correlilmerzon insists on sex to cement the Earth-Lumati alliance. Ivanova does a bizarre song and dance which she claims is human-style sex.]'' :'''Susan Ivanova''': :: Boom! Shabba-labba-labba. :: Boom! Shabba-labba-labba. :: Hey there, hey there, three bags full! :: You come here often? Yes! I do! :: . . . :: I ''slept'' with you the other night. :: You didn't call, you didn't write! :: I think you did it just for SPITE! :: Oh! Yes… oh, yes! Oh, YES! OH! YES! :: Tell me about your portfolio! :: Oh, YES! YES! YES! YES! :: Lie to me about your family… :: . . . :''[She finishes with a shriek and a compliment.]'' :'''Correlilmerzon''': What do I do now? :'''Ivanova''': Old style, you roll over and go to bed. New style, you go out for pizza, I never see you again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova gets a parting gift and note from Correlilmerzon.]'' :'''Sheridan''': What's it say? :'''Ivanova''': "Next time…my way." :'''Sheridan''': Commander, is there something you'd like to tell me? === [[w:Hunter, Prey|Hunter, Prey]] === :''[During the search for Dr. Jacobs in Down Below, Franklin and Garibaldi muse about disappointed expectations.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Maybe somebody should've labelled the future "some assembly required". <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Are we just toys to you? Huh? What do you want? :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': Never ask that question! :'''Sheridan''': At least I got a response out of you. So what'll it be, Ambassador? :'''Kosh''': I will teach you. :'''Sheridan''': About yourself? :'''Kosh''': About you. Until you are ready. :'''Sheridan''': For what? :'''Kosh''': To fight legends. === [[w:There All the Honor Lies|There All the Honor Lies]] === :''[Ivanova rants about EarthGov's decision to sell ''B5'' merchandise.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Welcome to Babylon 5, the last, best hope for a quick buck! :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Commander— :'''Ivanova''': Oh, this is demeaning! I mean, we're not some…some deep-space franchise! This station is ''about'' something. {{hnote|A tongue-in-cheek allusion to the incessant comparisons between 'Babylon 5' and another space-station-based SF TV series, 'Star Trek: Deep Space 9'. - And, as JMS himself, commenting 'Severed Dreams', puts it: 'Babylon 5 is about making decisions, and making choices, and taking the consequences for those choices.' }} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Guinevere Corey interrupts the questioning of Minbari witness Ashan.]'' :'''Guinevere Corey''': May I ask what you were discussing here? :'''Sheridan''': The only thing that matters—the truth. :'''Guinevere Corey''': Ah, yes. The favorite song of the legally ignorant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo sputters outrage over a B5 Emporium "Londo Mollari" doll.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': It's a mockery! It doesn't even have any, uh…attributes. :'''Sheridan''': Attributes? :'''Londo''': Do I have to ''spell'' it out for you? :''[Londo gestures downward. Ivanova and Sheridan stare at Londo, then at each other.]'' :'''Sheridan, Ivanova''': Ohh! :'''Ivanova''': I see. So you feel like you're being symbolically cas…t in a bad light. :'''Sheridan''': Well put. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': I—I never thought there could be anything worse than being all alone in the night. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': But there is. Being all alone in a crowd. : . . . :'''Delenn''': In the service of their clan, they're ready to sacrifice everything–their individuality, their blood, their life. :'''Sheridan''': Their honor? Oh, we've had plenty of that ourselves. Conspiracies of silence, because the ''larger'' ideals have to be protected. But you can't have larger ideals if the ''smaller'' ones get compromised. It's like building a house without a foundation, Delenn—it can't stand! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ashan''': We are not responsible. It was the leaders of our clan who decided to act without asking the Council or anyone else in the government–not ''us''. Yes, it was foolish— :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': No, not foolish. It was ''tragic''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo goads a hung-over Vir.]'' :'''Londo''': Good, Vir—you're sobering up! I can see the synapses beginning to ''fire'' behind your eyes! A frightening sight, I might add. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova hands Sheridan a teddy bear from the new gift shop.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Ba-Bear-lon 5? Oh, he's a cute one. ''[Notices the initials on the shirt.]'' J.S.? :'''Ivanova''': John Sheridan. :'''Sheridan''': Oh, this is supposed to be me? ''[Suddenly turns grim.]'' I want it off my station. I want 'em ''all'' off my station. I want the whole place yanked out, boxed up, and shipped out by 0800 tomorrow. Is that clear? :'''Ivanova''': I'll get right on it. :'''Sheridan''': Oh, and…''[Takes the bear.]'' :… :''[Warren Keffer responds to a report of a [[w:UFO|UFO]] outside the station.]'' :'''C&C''': Babylon Control to Zeta-One. Any trace of that unidentified object? :'''[[w:Warren Keffer|Warren Keffer]]''': Negative, Babylon Control. I don't see a… :''[Said teddy bear hits his Starfury's viewport for a moment before drifting away again.]'' :'''C&C''': Zeta-One, have you encountered unidentified object? Can you describe it? :'''Keffer''': Negative, Babylon Control. I don't think so. Not on a bet. Heading back to the barn. === [[w:And Now For a Word|And Now For a Word]] === :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': You know, what the folks back home don't understand—the ones who've never left Earth—is just how dangerous space can be. Aside from incidents like this, just the everyday reality of living your days and nights in a big tin can surrounded by a vacuum. I remember my first time on a transport on the Moon-Mars run. I was just a kid, maybe 17. A buddy of mine was messing around and zipping through the halls. And he hid in one of the airlocks. I don't know, I guess he was going to try to scare us or something. I don't know. But just as I got close, he must have hit the wrong button, because the air doors slammed shut, the space doors, opened, and he just flew out into space. And the one thing they never tell you is that you don't die instantly in vacuum. He just hung there, against the black, like a puppet with his strings all tangled up—or like one of those old cartoons where you run off the edge of a cliff and your legs keep going. You could see that he was trying to breathe, but there was nothing! And one thing I remember when they pulled in his body—his eyes were frozen. ''[long pause]'' A lot of people make jokes about spacing somebody, about shoving somebody out an airlock. I don't think it's funny. Never will. <hr width="50%"/> :''[ISN reporter Cynthia Torqueman interviews G'Kar about the old Narn-Centauri war.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': My family lived in G'Kamazad, one of the larger cities on Narn. My father…"served" in a Centauri household during the last years of the rebellion. I was barely a pouchling at the time. My mother was ill, unable to escape through the underground, so we all stayed. It was a difficult time. We were striking deep into Centauri resources. Things were tense. One day my father spilled a cup of hot jala on the mistress of the house and…and she had him killed. They took him out, tied his hands together, and hung him from a jalwah tree for three days. I came to him the last night, against my mother's orders, and he looked down at me. He said he was proud, and to go and fight, and be all the things he never was. Then he died. The next morning I ran away and killed my first Centauri. :'''Cynthia Torqueman''': Why do you think they invaded back then? :'''G'Kar''': Why does ''any'' advanced civilization seek to destroy a less-advanced one? Because the land is strategically valuable, because there are resources that can be cultivated and exploited, but most of all…simply because they ''can''. You have experienced much the same on your own world. There are humans for whom the words "never again" carry special meaning. As they do for us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[various answers to Torqueman's final question: "Given the danger, at the end of the day…is it worth it?"]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Absolutely. Sure, when things get tense out here, we have to be careful. Our search of the Centauri vessels we captured proved that they were bringing in weapons of mass destruction, offloading them outside the station, and sending them on to the front lines. Now that we know that, we can make sure it doesn't happen any more. We learn. It's what humans do. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Misunderstandings aside, yes! I definitely think it's worth it. We must simply work harder to make sure we communicate with one another to prevent this sort of tragic situation from ever happening again! A violent attack by Narn forces is an unacceptable response to a peaceful protest by my government. And with the intervention of Earth, perhaps we can keep them from making a similar mistake in the future. :'''G'Kar''': I don't know any more. I used to think so, but now… :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Yes. :'''Delenn''': Of course it is. For the simple reason that no one else would ever build a place like this. Humans share one unique quality: They build communities. If the Narns or Centauri or any other race built a station like this, it would be used only by their own people. But everywhere humans go, they create communities out of diverse and sometimes hostile populations. It is a great gift, and a terrible responsibility—one that cannot be abandoned. :'''Senator Quantrell''': ''Well''…I guess we'll just have to see…won't we? :'''Franklin''': All right, Med 2—go, go! Look, if we weren't here right now, half the people in this room would be dead! Now ''that'' should be a good enough answer for anyone. :'''Eduardo Delvientos''': Sure! What, are you kidding? I have a retirement pension to make, you know? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Yes. But not for any of the reasons that you've probably been told. The job of Babylon 5 is not to enforce the peace. It's to create the peace. And this place was built on the assumption that we could work out our problems and build a better future. And that, to me, is the key issue. See, in the last few years, we've stumbled. We stumbled at the death of the President, the war, and on and on. And when you stumble a lot, you…you start looking at your feet. Well, we have to make people…lift their eyes back to the horizon, and see the line of ancestors behind us, saying, "Make my life have meaning." And to our inheritors before us, saying, "Create the world we will live in." I mean, w-we're not just…holding jobs and having dinner. We are in the process of building the future. That's what Babylon 5 is all about. === [[w:In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum|In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum]] === :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': If restoring the Centauri Republic means nothing to you, what does? What do ''you'' want? :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ''ten'' generations that some favors come with too high a price. I would gaze up into your lifeless eyes and wave, like this. :''[He gives Morden a mockingly cheerful finger waggle.]'' :'''Vir''': Can you and your associates arrange this for me, Mr. Morden? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin tells Ivanova what he sees when a patient dies.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': And then, just at the last, it's as if they look past you at something else, and the look on their face, it's like ''nothing'' you can describe. And then, just as they look past you—the ''moment'' that they look past you—you can't help but meet their gaze and ''just'' for an instant, you see ''God'' reflected in their eyes. ''[pauses]'' I've seen a lot of reflected gods today, Susan. And I'm wondering how we can keep believing in them, when they've stopped believing in us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You ever studied ancient history? 20th century, World War II? :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Well…not really. ''[grins]'' I always used to fall asleep in history class. :'''Sheridan''': The Germans had a secret code they used for all their important messages. It was called "[[w:Enigma machine|Enigma]]". What they didn't know was that the British had cracked the code. One day, [[Winston Churchill|Churchill's]] people intercepted a message authorizing the bombing of a city named [[w:Coventry#20th century|Coventry]]. Now, if they evacuated Coventry, the Germans would know their code had been broken, and switch to another system. If that happened, it could cost the [[w:Allies of World War II|Allies]] the entire war. If they didn't evacuate the city, hundreds of innocent men, women, and children would die. {{hnote| On DVD, JMS comments: '...there is some debate over Coventry, whether or not Churchill knew ahead of the time. Some say he did, some say he didn't.' }} :'''Zack''': So, what happened? :'''Sheridan''': They kept the secret. There was no evacuation. And on November 14, 1940, Coventry was destroyed. The dead were… piled up like cordwood! I—I've seen newsreels of Churchill visiting the ruins a few days later. And you can just see it in his eyes, the knowledge of what he'd done. Dark, haunted. All these years I've never been able to get that image out of my head. :'''Zack''': Well, I'm glad it's a decision I don't have to make. I don't think I could live with myself. How many lives is a secret worth? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die. :'''Sheridan''': Then I die. But I will ''not'' go down easily, and I will ''not'' go down alone. {{hnote|Foreshadowing of the events of the season 3 finale.}} === [[w:Knives (Babylon 5)|Knives]] === :''[Londo tells Vir about his friendship with Urza Jaddo.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': In dueling societies, it is customary for each member to be given a fighting name by his comrades! They said I fought like a crazed leati, and so they called me ''Paso Leati''! Urza was known as ''Skal Tura''—the silent beast! Those were great times, Vir! We were young, proud, fierce, bursting to prove ourselves to each other and to the world. Our starships ruled the spaceways, and our power was rivaled by that of the gods only! Ah, Great Maker, it was good to be a Centauri then! :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': Every generation of Centauri mourns for the golden days when their power was like unto the gods! It—it's counterproductive! I mean, why make history if you fail to learn by it? :'''Londo''': You know, Vir, you have what the Earthers call a negative personality. :'''Vir''': No, I don't. :'''Londo''': There, you see? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I once saw an entire chorus line of purple wombats doing showtunes in my bathtub. Of course, I was pretty drunk at the time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Well, anyone willing to command Babylon 5 has got to be slightly insane, but I don't think that you're ready for the asylum just yet. : . . . :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I prefer to be only slightly insane. :'''Garibaldi''': Don't we all. <hr width="50%"/> <!-- order? the following is actually in the '. . .' of above --> :'''Vir''': Londo, this is insane! :'''Londo''': Insanity is part of the times. You must learn to embrace the madness. Let it fire you. === [[w:Confessions and Lamentations|Confessions and Lamentations]] === :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Something here doesn't add up, and unlike Mr. Garibaldi, I don't like mysteries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': They are in pain. Frightened. Dying. Minbari are taught that at such a time, the afflicted should be ministered to, comforted. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': They're not your own people, Delenn! :'''Delenn''': I didn't know that similarity was required for the exercise of compassion. They are afraid. We wish to do what little we can. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Just before Delenn and Lennier enter the quarantine zone…]'' :'''Delenn''': Do not look away, Captain. All life is transitory. A dream. We all come together in the same place at the end of time. If I don't see you again here, I will see you in a little while, in the place where no shadows fall. :'''Sheridan''': W—Delenn! ''[She stops and looks back.]'' When I do see you again…call me John? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': She has separated from her mother. Please find her. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': ''[looks around, somewhat lost]'' How? :'''Delenn''': ''[to Lennier]'' Faith manages. :'''Delenn''': ''[turning to Markab girl]'' What is her name? :'''Markab Girl''': Mama. :''[Delenn turns and looks at Lennier again]'' :'''Lennier''': Faith manages. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazarenn''': ''[dying]'' I'm sorry, old friend. I don't think I can stay any longer. Will you give my love to… <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the isolation zone is reopened and all the Markab are found dead]'' :'''Delenn''': John…John… :''[she falls on his shoulder, broken and crying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': What happens next time? :'''Delenn''': What happens? What happens is that we honor the memory of those who are no longer with us by using what we have learned to save others. To exercise faith and patience and charity. To reach out to those who are afraid. If we can do that, then their passing will have had meaning and we will grow from it. === [[w:Divided Loyalties|Divided Loyalties]] === :''[At a ''Universe Today'' vendor station, Delenn haughtily dismisses humans' fascination with the press.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Back home, when there is something you need to know, you are told ''just'' what you require and no more. : . . . :'''Delenn''': … Minbari respect the privacy of others by not ''prying'' into their affairs. To express ''undue'' curiosity— :'''Newsvendor Computer''': Unable to insert "Eye on Minbari" section. Do you wish to accept edition anyway? :'''Delenn''': Uh… yes, yes I do. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': "Eye on Minbari"? :'''Delenn''': It is good to know what your people are thinking and saying about ''my'' people. And, uh…''[grins]'' I often learn things about my own world ''before'' I'm told "what I need to know and no more". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta has tested all high- and medium-ranking station personnel — but one — for the traitor's psychic trigger.]'' :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': The further you go from the center of power, the less likely it is we're going to find the person that we're looking for. :''[She pointedly turns and looks at Ivanova.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I suggest you move those eyes somewhere else…while you still have them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta pays Kosh a visit.]'' :'''Lyta''': I'm back. I can't stay. The Captain's made sure I can get away before the Psi Cops get here, but—I had to see you again, before my ship leaves. I never told them. I never told anyone. I hid it all away in the smallest, tiniest corner of my mind. They could've killed me and they still wouldn't have found it! Only at night, alone, would I open that small door in my mind where I kept the memory of you and listen to your voice—listen to you sing me to sleep. I hope I can come back again, but I don't know. Until then—Kosh—I want to see you again, just one more time before I go. :''[Kosh's suit opens, and Lyta is bathed in bright white light.]'' === [[w:The Long, Twilight Struggle|The Long, Twilight Struggle]] === :''[Londo learns of Refa's plan to use mass drivers to assault the Narn homeworld.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Mass drivers? They have been outlawed by every civilized planet! :'''[[w:Antono Refa|Lord Antono Refa]]''': These are uncivilized times. :'''Londo''': We have treaties! :'''Lord Refa''': Ink on a page! <hr width="50%"/> <span id="conspiracy-of-light"></span> :''[Draal tells Delenn and Sheridan about what he's discovered using the [[w:Great Machine|Great Machine]].]'' :'''Draal''': Since taking up residence in the heart of this machine, I have explored its secrets, learned, and discovered that I can look into distant worlds, see and hear things you cannot begin to imagine! Along the way, I've learned some things about you, Captain! The loss of your wife—I know Delenn has told you about the coming darkness. And lately I've learned about your role in, shall we say, a "conspiracy of light" aimed at your own government? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Draal''': Yes, you do! Please, Captain, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. They would have to dig down three miles into the surface of this planet to learn what I know, and no one who tried would survive the attempt! And now I have seen enough! I said a year ago that this place was to be left alone until the time was right. That time has arrived. Now that I know the full capabilities of this place, I am prepared to place them at your disposal! :'''Sheridan''': Are you proposing an alliance? :'''Draal''': One of the first! There will be more to come. This has been a hard and trying year for you, Captain Sheridan. It might be helpful for you to know that you are not alone, and that in the long, twilight struggle which lies ahead of us, there is the possibility of hope. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Narn surrender, Londo demands that "Citizen" G'Kar be removed from further Council meetings. G'Kar rises to go.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': No dictator…no invader…can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand. The Centauri learned this lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Though it take a thousand years, ''we will be free''. === [[w:Comes the Inquisitor|Comes the Inquisitor]] === :''[Sebastian, the Vorlons' Inquisitor, surveys the Zocalo]'' :'''Sebastian''': Nothing changes. Corruption, immorality, chaos. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a grueling interrogation of Delenn, Sebastian turns his attention on Sheridan]'' :'''Sebastian''': You said you didn't have to answer any of my questions. But there's no reason to exclude you from our deliberations. You're linked at the hip, just as bad as she is. But you're not just a dreamer. You're a soldier! How far are you prepared to go? How much are you prepared to risk? How many people are you prepared to sacrifice for victory? Are you willing to die friendless, alone, deserted by everyone? Because that's what may be required of you in the war that is to come! :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Go to Hell! :'''Sebastian''': This ''is'' Hell, Captain, and you are its chief damned soul. What about the people you work with, the people you call friends? Are you willing to sacrifice ''them?'' What about your ''family?'' ''[He zaps Sheridan with his cane.]'' What about your ''God?'' ''[Another zap.]'' What about ''truth?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''blood?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''right?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''wrong?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about your ''future?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''faith?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''sin?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''Hell?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''death?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''etern''… :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': '''ENOUGH!''' Your quarrel is with ''me!'' You were sent to investigate ''me!'' Let him go! If you want to ''take'' someone, then take ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': If I fall, another will take my place, and another, and another. :'''Sebastian''': But your great cause! :'''Delenn''': This is my cause--Life! One life or a billion, it's all the same! :'''Sebastian''': Then you make the sacrifice willingly? No fame. No armies or banners or cities to celebrate your name. You will die alone and unremarked and forgotten. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': This body is only a shell. You cannot touch me, you cannot harm me. I'm not afraid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Delenn offers to sacrifice herself for Sheridan, who's being tortured by Sebastian]'' :'''Sebastian''': You can go. You've passed, both of you. :'''Delenn''': Passed what? :'''Sebastian''': How do you know the Chosen Ones? "No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his brother." Not for millions…not for glory…not for fame. For one person, in the dark, where no one will ever know or see. I have been in the service of the Vorlons for centuries, looking for you. Diogenes with his lamp, looking for an honest man willing to die for all the wrong reasons. At last, my job is finished. Yours is just beginning. When the darkness comes, know this: You are the right people, in the right place, at the right time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': Mr…Sebastian, I did a little digging, based on what you told me. The records confirm you lived on Earth in the year 1888. The records also indicate that you vanished, suddenly, without a trace on November 11th, 1888. That's a very interesting date, Mr. Sebastian. The morning after the last of a string of murders in the East End. :'''Sebastian''': The city was drowning in decay. Chaos. Immorality. A message needed to be sent, etched in blood for all the world to see. A warning. In the pursuit of my holy cause, I…did things. Terrible things. Unspeakable things. The world condemned me, but it didn't matter because I believed I was right and the world was wrong. I believed I was the divine messenger. I believed I was… :'''Sheridan''': Chosen? :'''Sebastian''': ''[after a pause]'' I was…found by the Vorlons. They showed me the terrible depth of my mistake, my crimes, my…''presumption''. I have done four hundred years of penance and service, a job for which they said I was ideally suited. Now, perhaps, they will finally let me die. :'''Sheridan''': I think that might be wise. :'''Sebastian''': ''[turning to board a Vorlon transport]'' Good luck to you in your holy cause, Captain Sheridan. May your choices have better results than mine. Remembered not as a messenger, remembered not as a reformer, not as a prophet, not as a hero…not even as Sebastian. Remembered only…as [[w:Jack the Ripper|Jack]]. === [[w:The Fall of Night|The Fall of Night]] === :''[At a bar on the Zocalo]'' :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Sometimes I get so close, and yet it seems I'm shut out of the important things. :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': It's a useless feeling! The ambassador is definitely going through some changes. He even looks different! :'''Lennier''': Indeed! And now with the military starting to stampede over everyone and everything… :'''Vir''': People coming and going and secret meetings! :'''Lennier''': You never know what it's all about. Until later, when it's too late. :'''Vir''': And they never listen to us. :'''Vir, Lennier''': ''[in unison]'' Makes me nervous! :''[They turn and look at each other, then back to the bar again]'' :'''Vir''': Same time tomorrow? :'''Lennier''': Sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keffer is describing a Shadow vessel to a fellow pilot, who has seen the same thing.]'' :'''Lt. Warren Keffer''': It was jet black. A shade of black so deep your eye just kinda slides off it. And it shimmered when you looked at it. A spider big as death and twice as ugly. And when it flies past, it's like you hear a scream in your mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lantze surprises the ''B5'' staff with the true purpose of his visit.]'' :'''Frederick Lantze''': I'm here to sign a non-aggression treaty with the Centauri. Before I leave here, there will be an Earth-Centauri alliance that will guarantee peace for Earth. We will, at last, know [[w:Peace in our time|peace in our time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan is told that the Joint Chiefs have ordered him to apologize to the Centauri.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I suppose this…''apology'' is already written? :'''Mr. Welles''': No need. You can phrase the apology any way you see fit. As with everything else, it's the thought that counts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan practices his apology to the Centauri government before a mirror.]'' :'''Sheridan''': I apologize. I'm…sorry. ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry we had to ''defend'' ourselves against an unwarranted attack. I'm sorry that your crew was '''stupid''' enough to fire on a station filled with a quarter million civilians, including your own people. And I'm sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to hell! ''[pauses]'' As with everything else, it's the ''thought'' that counts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': It was the end of the Earth year 2259, and the war was upon us. As anticipated, a few days after the Earth-Centauri treaty was announced, the Centauri widened their war to include many of the Non-Aligned Worlds. And there was another war brewing closer to home. A personal one whose cost would be higher than any of us could imagine. We came to this place because Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace. By the end of 2259, we knew that it had failed. But in so doing, it became something greater. As the war expanded, it became our last, best hope for ''victory''. Because sometimes peace is another word for surrender…and because secrets have a way of getting out. :''[ISN news shows Lt. Keffer's recordings of a [[w:Shadow (Babylon 5)|Shadow]] vessel]'' :'''Newscaster''': When our ship encountered a distress beacon attached to an EarthForce recording device, these images, released exclusively to ISN, were found on that recording. Strategic analysts in Earth Dome have indicated they don't know who this new race might be, but promise to find out. == Season 3: Point of No Return == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. It failed. But in the year of the [[w:Shadow War|Shadow War]], it became something greater: our last, best hope…for victory. The year is 2260. The place, ''Babylon 5''. === [[w:Matters of Honor|Matters of Honor]] === :''[Sheridan approaches Kosh to thank him for saving his life.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You've been back and forth to your homeworld so many times since you got here, how do I know you're the same Vorlon? Inside that Encounter Suit you could be anyone. :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': I have always been here. :'''Sheridan''': Oh yeah? You said that about me too. :'''Kosh''': Yes. :'''Sheridan''': ''[slightly unnerved]'' I really hate it when you do that. :'''Kosh''': Good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova chides Sheridan on his impatience over an arriving VIP on a mysterious mission.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Leave it to you to try and take all the fun out of life. I mean, come on, where's your sense of mystery, of adventure? :'''Sheridan''': Are you trying to cheer me up? :'''Ivanova''': No, sir! Wouldn't dream of it. :'''Sheridan''': Good! I hate being cheered up. It's…depressing. :'''Ivanova''': So, in that case…we're all going to die horrible, painful, lingering deaths. :'''Sheridan''': Thank you. I feel ''so'' much better now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova preempts Sheridan's belated revelation of the [[w:Ranger (Babylon 5)|Rangers]] by detailing what he was going to say.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Captain, the day something happens around here and I ''don't'' know about it, worry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus shows off a brand-new ship to Sheridan and Ivanova.]'' :'''Sheridan''': My God! It's beautiful! :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Her name is the ''White Star''. And she's yours, Captain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Endawi, EarthForce Intelligence''': This is quite irregular, Mr. Garibaldi! I was assured that Captain Sheridan or Commander Ivanova would be available! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': They got called away on urgent business. :'''Endawi''': What kind of business? :'''Garibaldi''': I'm not authorized for that kind of information. :'''Endawi''': But…you're the head of Security. :'''Garibaldi''': And what kind of head of Security would I be if I let people like ''me'' know things that I'm not supposed to know? [I mean,] I know what ''I'' know because I ''have'' to know it, and if I ''don't'' have to know it, I don't tell ''me'', and I don't let anyone else tell me, either. Now look, we've tried most of the other ambassadors. Why don't you speak to G'Kar? Maybe he knows something about this ship. :'''Endawi''': Under the terms of our recent treaty, I am not authorized to have any official conversation with the Narn without Centauri approval. :'''Garibaldi''': So you'll ask ''unofficially''. And I can give you reasonable assurances that the head of Security will ''not'' report you for doing so. :'''Endawi''': ''[slowly]'' Because you won't tell yourself about it. :'''Garibaldi''': I try never to get involved in my own life. Too much trouble. :'''Endawi''': ''[confused]'' This is a very strange place you have here, Mr. Garibaldi. :'''Garibaldi''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The White Star is fleeing a Shadow ship in hyperspace, and Sheridan has an idea for beating it.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Tell me, Commander…have you ever wondered what would happen if you opened a jump point while inside a jump gate? :'''Ivanova''': No! And neither should you! EarthForce experimented with the idea during the Minbari War. They called it the Bonehead Maneuver. ''[to Lennier]'' No offense. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': ''[more curious than offended]'' None taken. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clandestine trio on Earth consider the premature leak of a Shadow ship sighting.]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': Your government can dismiss this as an isolated incident. :'''Psi Cop''': I don't know. There's something about this idea of a threat to planetary security I find very appealing. As long as we keep the real truth to ourselves, there's no reason we can't use this situation to speed up the program here at home. === [[w:Convictions (Babylon 5)|Convictions]] === :''[Drazi missionaries ask a distracted Garibaldi about the recent sighting of their holy figure Droshalla.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Zack, do me a favor and explain the [[w:Missionary position|missionary, uh… position]] to these folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lennier is in the arrivals area, stuck between two humans--one drunk, one sleeping on his shoulder.]'' :'''Drunk''': I said "Sheila," "Sheila," I says, "you change that vid channel one more time and I'm outta here, you got it?" Well, she did, I did, and here I am! You shoulda seen the look on her face, let me tell you! But it's great! I get to meet all kinds of people! I mean, look! Me sitting next to you, a Minbari! You know, us in that war and all. But I don't hold a grudge, no sir! You know what? I say live and let live! You know, look, I got hair, you got a bone! So where you goin'? :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Home. I have been diagnosed with Netter's Syndrome. Since I have only seven days to live, I thought I would return home to put my affairs in order before the end. :'''Drunk''': Netter's Syndrome? I've had a few syndromes, but I've never heard of that one. :'''Lennier''': Neither had I. Apparently it's spread by physical contact. :''[The drunk realizes he's still got Lennier by the shoulder.]'' :'''Drunk''': Uh, I gotta make a call. ''[He gets up and walks away, while the sleeping human rolls off of Lennier's shoulder.]'' :'''Lennier''': ''[to himself]'' I will do penance later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo and G'Kar are about to be pulled out of a bombed-out transport tube]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': There, you see? I'm going to live! :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': So it would seem. Well, it ''is'' an imperfect universe. :'''Londo''': Bastard. :'''G'Kar''': Monster. :'''Londo''': Fanatic! :'''G'Kar''': Murderer! :'''Londo''': You are insane! :'''G'Kar''': And that is why we'll win. :'''Londo''': "Go be the ambassador to Babylon 5," they say. "It will be an easy assignment!" I hate my life. :'''G'Kar''': So do I. :'''Londo''': ''Shut! Up!'' === [[w:A Day in the Strife|A Day in the Strife]] === :''[Ivanova passes the alien questionnaire results to Corwin.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Check these figures again, make sure they came through the translator okay. I don't want to get killed because of a typo. It'd be embarrassing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': If I live through this job without ''completely'' losing my mind, it will be a miracle of biblical proportions! :'''David Corwin''': Well, there goes ''my'' faith in the Almighty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan reunites with Ta'Lon, the Narn whose life he saved when [[Babylon 5#All Alone in the Night|both were held captive aboard a Streib ship]]]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I don't know what my superiors would say if I started showing up everywhere with a Narn bodyguard. :'''Ta'Lon''': They will say, "Here is a man who will live to be a hundred and fifty!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': If I stay here, your families are in jeopardy. Is anything more important than their safety? :'''Narn''': Yes. Their freedom. It's better to die in the cause of freedom than to live in comfort as a slave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ta'Lon''': I carry my sword in my hand. You carry yours in your heart and in your mind. As I see it, that gives you a two-to-one advantage in arms. Be fair, Citizen G'Kar. === [[w:Passing Through Gethsemane|Passing Through Gethsemane]] === :''[opening lines: Cmdr. Ivanova and Brother Edward watch their seniors, Capt. Sheridan and Brother Theo respectively, play chess]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You realize this is an extremely dangerous situation. :'''Brother Edward''': He's been through much worse. :'''Ivanova''': I think he's doomed. :'''Brother Edward''': Not a chance. :'''Ivanova''': Care to put money on that? :'''Brother Edward''': Gambling is one of the lesser sins. I've always thought if you're going to sin, you may as well go for one of the really big ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in conference with Sheridan, Ivanova, and Franklin, Garibaldi offers his take on Lyta's return]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Nobody's ever been to the Vorlon Homeworld and back again. Yet she goes, comes back like she just took a trip to the corner store. And now she's working for Kosh. Is anybody else as creeped out about this as I am? :''[the three others all raise their hands]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Lyta Alexander! As I live and breathe… :'''Lyta''': I suggest you remove your hand, Ambassador, or you won't be doing either for much longer. : . . . :'''Londo''': Lyta, I understand the Psi Corps is looking for you. I would hate very much for them to find you. :'''Lyta''': So would I. Because I'm not ''with'' the Corps anymore. That means I'm not bound by their rules! ''[She gets right in his face.]'' So if someone ''were'' to turn me in, I'd find him. And before they took me, I'd plant a nightmare deep in his mind where no one else could find or remove it. And that person would spend every night for the rest of his life…screaming! :''[she turns around and walks away]'' :'''Londo''': Fine! And keep your threats to yourself! ''[to himself]'' Nightmares. Hmph! The way my life has been going lately, who'd notice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Theo tends to the mortally wounded Edward after getting him down from a makeshift cross]'' :'''Brother Edward''': Is there enough forgiveness for what I've done? :'''Brother Theo''': Always, Edward, always. Take my hand. ''[Edward fumbles, and Theo takes his hand.]'' Through the mysteries of our redemption, may Almighty God release you from all punishments in this life and in the life to come. ''[Sheridan joins them, a look of dismay on his face as he realizes what's going on.]'' May He open to you the gates of Paradise and welcome you to everlasting joy. Father, look with compassion on Your servant Edward, who has trusted in Your promises. Welcome him to Your Kingdom in peace. By the authority which the Apostolic See has given me, I grant you a full pardon and remission of all your sins. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. === [[w:Voices of Authority|Voices of Authority]] === :''[Zack complains about his uniform to an exasperated Garibaldi.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': I look like I'm wearing a circus tent! Any minute now, a little teeny car with 16 clowns in it is gonna come flying out my butt! :''[Garibaldi's link beeps.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Garibaldi's Fashion Express. Go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draal''': ''[addressing the command staff]'' Good afternoon, everyone! Captain, Delenn tells me that you're going to try contacting the First Ones. It is a magnificent idea—a daring and splendid idea! In doing so, you will see things no human has ever seen before! It will be…fun! Assuming you're not ''vaporized'', ''dissected'', or otherwise killed in an assortment of supremely horrible and painful ways! Exciting, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over dinner, new Babylon 5 "political officer" Julie Musante asks Sheridan about "lurkers".]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': It's our version of the homeless. In many ways, we have the same problem Earth does. :'''Julie Musante''': Mmm. Earth doesn't have homeless. :'''Sheridan''': Excuse me? :'''Musante''': We don't have the problem. Yes, there are some "displaced" people, here and there, but, uh… they've ''chosen'' to be in that position. They're either ''lazy'', or they're criminal, or they're mentally unstable. :'''Sheridan''': They can't get a job! :'''Musante''': EarthGov has promised a job to anyone that wants one. So, if someone doesn't have a job, they must not ''want'' one. : . . . :''[Musante runs down a list of all the social problems EarthGov has suddenly solved.]'' :'''Sheridan''': And, uh w-when exactly did all this happen? :'''Musante''': When we rewrote the dictionary. : . . . :'''Sheridan''': You can't deal with the problems by pretending they don't exist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[using the Great Machine, Ivanova "overhears" a conversation from the past]'' :'''Vice-President Clark''': I have wanted Santiago dead for so long…I wasn't sure we could really pull it off. You're sure it's done? :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': EarthForce 1 will never return from Io. The power is now yours, Clark. Mister…President. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova holographically observes Sheridan being seduced by Julie Musante]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Good luck, Captain. I think you're about to go where…[[w:Where no man has gone before|everyone has gone before]]. {{hnote|A riff on Star Trek's famous tagline: 'where no man [one] has gone before'.}} === [[w:Dust to Dust (Babylon 5)|Dust to Dust]] === :''[The "conspiracy of light" worries about exposure by Bester.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': And after that, there are only two options. He turns us in, we're court-martialled, then shot for treason. Or we kill him, before he has a chance to tell anybody. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': I will not support murder. We can ''not'' kill him. :'''Ivanova''': Can we wound him? Just a little? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester loudly disclaims any prior knowledge of the [[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]] debacle.]'' :'''Bester''': On the other hand, we learned some interesting things about Miss Winters, in the course of her debriefing and dissec—that is, examination. : . . . :''[Bester, agreeing to take a psi-suppressing drug, sneers at the command staff's distrust.]'' :'''Bester''': I'm here to save your butts! Next time, show a little ''gratitude''. :''[He leaves.]'' :'''Franklin''': On the other hand, maybe wounding him isn't such a bad idea after all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester confronts Garibaldi about his insulting comments.]'' :'''Bester''': My blood is the same color as yours, and what I do, I do to protect Earth, same as you. You don't like how I do it, that's your prerogative. But there are things going on out there that you know nothing about. Threats to the human race that no one ever hears about — because ''we'' stop them. There's dangers all around us! And whether you like us or not, we may be all that stands between you and the abyss. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': If I had my talent working, I could've warned you when he was coming. :'''Garibaldi''': And if I had a baseball bat, we could hang you from the ceiling and play piñata. I still think I should've gone straight to G'Kar. :'''Bester''': We have no evidence that he made the sale yet. Why annoy the Narn without cause if we are wrong? Shut off the problem at the source and the rest attends to itself. A piñata, huh? So you think of me as something bright and cheerful, full of toys and candy for young children. Thank you. That makes me feel…much better about our relationship. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo rephrases Vir's report on the Minbari to make them look bad, to Vir's horror.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': They are ''deeply'' spiritual people! :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Yes, now ''that'' you can leave in. It always scares people. === [[w:Exogenesis (Babylon 5)|Exogenesis]] === :''[Marcus and Garibaldi argue over Lurkers]'' :'''Marcus''': Well thank you, Mr. Garibaldi, one of the leading minds of the 14th century. "Have we no workhouses? Have we no prisons?" Mr. Marley here'd like to have a word with you! He's the fellow in the chains! Ignore the moans, it's just gas! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Don't you ever shut up? :'''Marcus''': Not until I get what I want. Why? Do you think silent meditation would work better? :'''Garibaldi''': Ivanova was right. You ''are'' a pain in the ass. === [[w:Messages from Earth|Messages from Earth]] === :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': You know, I've been stuck in this tin can for three years. I haven't taken a vacation—okay, okay, it's my fault, I had the leave coming, I just didn't take it. And the pay sucks, I knew ''that'' when I signed on! And nobody said I'd survive the job! Now, I give you all that. But where in my contract does it say that I have to eat the same food for breakfast every day for three years? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': ''[matter-of-fact]'' Paragraph 47, Subsection 19, Clause 9A. You can find it in the index under S.U.A.E.I. :'''Garibaldi''': S.U…A.E.I.? :'''Sheridan, [[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[in unison]'' Shut Up And Eat It. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines: Sheridan turns on ISN]'' :'''ISN Anchor''': And to confirm earlier reports, President Clark has signed a decree today declaring martial law throughout Earth Central, citing threats to planetary security. He is expected to provide information to support this action at a closed meeting of the full Earth Senate tomorrow. We repeat, '''Earth is now under martial law'''. === [[w:Point of No Return (Babylon 5)|Point of No Return]] === :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I thought the purpose of filing these reports was to provide accurate intelligence! :'''Mollari''': Vir, intelligence has nothing to do with politics! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lady Morella''': What we are about to say is for your ears only, Ambassador Mollari. We will not repeat it to others in the Royal Court, and suggest you do the same. If it comes out, we will deny this conversation ever took place. :'''Londo''': Of course. :'''Morella''': You have a chance few others will ever have, Mollari. You still have three opportunities to avoid the fire that waits for you at the end of your journey. You have already wasted two others. You must save the eye that does not see. You must not kill the one who is already dead. And at the last, you must surrender yourself to your greatest fear, knowing that it will destroy you. Now if you have failed all the others, that is your final chance for redemption. :'''Londo''': I…don't understand! :'''Morella''': The future reveals itself only reluctantly, Ambassador. Take the sign for what it is. Look for it when it appears! :'''Londo''': I will. Thank you! :'''Morella''': One more thing. You will be Emperor. That part of your destiny cannot be avoided. :'''Londo''': I see. :'''Morella''': ''[to Vir]'' You will also be Emperor. :''[Vir starts laughing.]'' :'''Morella''': Why are you laughing? :'''Vir''': I…I thought you were joking! :'''Morella''': We do not joke in the face of prophecy, Vir. :'''Londo''': Lady Morella, please! We cannot both be Emperor! :'''Morella''': Correct. One of you will become Emperor after the other is dead. That is all we see and all we wish to see. === [[w:Severed Dreams|Severed Dreams]] === :''[after his ship, the EAS ''Alexander'', destroys the Clark-loyal EAS ''Clarkstown'']'' :'''Maj. Ed Ryan''': That's what makes this war different from anything we have ever gone through before. This time, we know everyone we kill. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn speaks to the Council.]'' :'''Delenn''': Three years. For three years, I warned you this day was coming. But you would not listen. "Pride," you said! "Presumption!" And now the Shadows are on the move. The Centauri and the younger worlds are at war, the Narns have fallen…even the humans are fighting one another. The ''pride'' was ''yours''! The ''presumption'' was yours! For a thousand years, we have been awaiting the fulfillment of prophecy. And when it finally happens, ''you'' scorn it—''you'' reject it—because you no longer believe it yourselves! :''[She confronts one of the Grey Council directly.]'' :'''Delenn''': "We stand between the candle and the star, between the darkness and the light." You say the words, but your hearts are empty—your ears closed to the truth! You stand for nothing but your own petty interests! :''[She confronts a second Grey Council member.]'' :'''Delenn''': "The problems of others are not our concern." I do not blame you for standing silent in your shame. You, who knew what was coming, but refused to take up the burden of this war! If the Warrior Caste will not fight, then the rest of us will! :''[Now she confronts the leader, the one who carries the staff.]'' :'''Delenn''': If the Council has lost its way, if it will not ''lead''…if we have ''abandoned'' our covenant with ''Valen''…! ''[Grabs the leader's staff and raises it over her head.]'' Then the Council should be ''broken''…''[She snaps the staff in two and throws both halves to the floor.]'' …as was prophesied! We ''must'' stand with the others—now, before it's too late! Between the Worker Caste and the Religious Caste, we control two-thirds of our forces! And to you I say, ''listen'' to the voice of your conscience! ''Break'' the Council, and come with me! Our time of isolation is over! We move now, together, or not at all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan addresses the entire station before the battle.]'' :'''Sheridan''': May I have your attention, please? In the last few hours, we have learned that warships are coming this way from Earth. Their orders are to seize command of Babylon 5 by force. As commanding officer and military governor of Babylon 5, I cannot allow this to happen. President Clark has violated the Earth Alliance Constitution by dissolving the Senate, declaring martial law, and personally ordering the bombing of civilian targets on the Mars Colony. He is personally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people. Following these attacks, Orion 7 and Proxima 3 have broken away from the Earth Alliance and declared independence. Babylon 5 now joins with them! ''As of this moment'', Babylon 5 is seceding from the Earth Alliance! We will remain an independent state until President Clark is removed from office! At the end of this current crisis, anyone who wishes to leave for Earth is free to do so. Meanwhile, for your own safety, I urge everyone to stay in your quarters until this is over. That is all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the immediate danger is cleared.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Damage report. :'''David Corwin''': Damage to all sectors. They're still fighting in Brown Sector. :'''Sheridan''': Get some more troops down there. Hull integrity? :'''Corwin''': Not good. EVA teams en route. It's a good thing this stopped when it did. We couldn't take much more. ''[Jumpgate alarm goes off.]'' Oh, no! :''[Outside, the jumpgate opens and three more Clark-loyal ships come through]'' :'''Captain Drake, EarthForce''': This is Captain Drake to Babylon 5. You are ordered to surrender and prepare to be boarded, by order of President Clark. :''[Another alarm goes off in C&C]'' :'''Corwin''': Captain…jump points forming right on top of us! :'''Sheridan''': ''[deflated]'' How many? :'''Corwin''': Four! :''[The jump points produce three Minbari war cruisers and the ''White Star'', with Delenn in the captain's chair]'' :'''Delenn''': This is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari. Babylon 5 is under our protection. ''Withdraw''…or be destroyed! :'''Drake''': Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship. :'''Delenn''': Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. ''He'' is behind me. ''You'' are in front of me. If you value your lives, '''be somewhere else'''. :''[the Clark-loyal ships take the hint and retreat to hyperspace]'' === [[w:Ceremonies of Light and Dark|Ceremonies of Light and Dark]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Prophecy is a poor guide to the future. You only understand it when the event's already upon you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A funeral service for the pilots killed in the battle for Babylon 5]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': In breaking away from Earth, we have begun a difficult and uncertain journey, and none of us can see its end. But our cause remains a just one. That truth honors and sanctifies our fallen comrades who have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we might carry on the work that is ahead of us. We are gathered here today to honor their memory and their names. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Hamilton. Rodriguez. Spinelli. Singh. Osterman. Massey. Cooper. Kim. Indari. Nagashima. Lietz. Mankowski. ''[as she reads the names, a line of torpedoes files out of the docking ring, watched over by a squadron of Starfuries]'' :'''Sheridan''': From the stars we came. To the stars we return, from now until the end of time. We therefore commit these bodies to the deep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo insists that Refa discontinue his association with Morden's "associates".]'' :'''[[w:Antono Refa|Lord Antono Refa]]''': You walked away from the greatest power I have ever seen! And now you expect me to do the same? They are the ''key'' to my eventual rise to the throne! Why would I abandon them? :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Because I have asked you. Because your loyalty to our people should be greater than your ambition. And because I have poisoned your drink. :''[Lord Refa looks in astonishment at Londo]'': :'''Londo''': Yes…and it is very ''interesting'' poison. It comes in two parts. Both are harmless on their own. But when combined…quite lethal. The first settles into the bloodstream, and the intestinal walls. It stays there for years. Silent…dormant…waiting. When the other half of the poison enters your system the two meet, have a little party in your cardiovascular system…and suddenly? You. Are. Quite. Dead. Your drink contained the first half of the poison. :'''Refa''': Why? Why did you do this? :'''Londo''': To guarantee your cooperation! And because sooner or later, you would do it to me! Yes, we are returning to the old ways, Refa, and poison was always the instrument of choice in the old Republic. Being something of a sentimentalist, I got here first. :'''Refa''': What do you want me to do? :'''Londo''': You have encouraged that fool Cartagia to attack worlds that have no value to us. You will now encourage him otherwise. You will bolster our lines of defense around Centauri Prime. And you will have nothing more to do with Mr. Morden. If you do not comply, one of my agents in the royal palace will introduce you to the second half of the poison. :''[he raises his glass and grins]'' :'''Londo''': To your health, Lord Refa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus squeezes information out of a reluctant lurker.]'' :'''Marcus''': You see? It's like I've always said: "You can get more with a kind word and a two-by-four than you can with just a kind word." :: paraphrased from [[Al Capone]], <small>"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."</small> <hr width=50%/> :''[as part of a rebirth ceremony, the command staff leave their Earthforce uniforms by Delenn's hospital bed and tell her a secret they have never revealed before]'' :'''Sheridan''': When you were hurt, when you were in my arms, I was ready to kill that guy with my bare hands. I realized I have never told you how much I cared about you, how much you mean to me. I think it's time you knew that. I can no longer imagine my world without you in it. I don't know exactly when or how it happened. But I'm glad it did. :'''Garibaldi''': No one knows, but…I'm afraid all the time…what I might do if I let go. :'''Ivanova''': I think I…''loved''…[[w:Talia Winters|Talia]]. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin (Babylon 5)|Dr. Stephen Franklin]]''': I…think I have a problem. === [[w:Sic Transit Vir|Sic Transit Vir]] === :''[Sheridan is inviting Delenn to dinner in his quarters]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You know, every time that I have seen you lately, we've been in the middle of a crisis! A revolution! I mean, this is the first time in months that it's been this quiet! It won't last. It never does. But as long as it's here…I'd like to see you tonight. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Are you not seeing me now? I would assume that you see me every time we meet. Unless I have become translucent, or insubstantial, and no one has thought to inform me until now. :'''Sheridan''': Then let me say I'd like to see you in a ''different'' light. Candlelight, for instance. Over dinner? :'''Delenn''': Tonight? :'''Sheridan''': Tomorrow we may be involved in another crisis, another battle! This may be the last chance we'll get for a while. You know, back home we have a saying. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die!" :'''Delenn''': Humans can be a very depressing people. :'''Sheridan''': Only if we get turned down for dinner. :'''Delenn''': Well, we cannot have that, now can we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Entertaining Vir and his new wife, Londo is also struggling with a pest infestation.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': I swear, they are evolving right before my eyes. :''[He turns to Vir and Lyndisty.]'' :'''Londo''': If you see something this big with eight legs coming your way, let me know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills. === [[w:A Late Delivery from Avalon|A Late Delivery from Avalon]] === :''[After fighting the thieves with Arthur]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': By G'Quan, I can't recall the last time I was in a fight like that! No moral ambiguity, no hopeless battle against ancient and overwhelming forces! They were the bad guys, as you say, and we were the good guys. And they made a very satisfying ''thump'' when they hit the floor. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Marcus and Dr. Franklin have just seen "Arthur" off.]'' :'''Marcus''': Where my people come from, his story has great power. I'll miss him. :'''Franklin''': Even if he wasn't Arthur? :'''Marcus''': ''[as Kosh appears]'' Now, now! Next thing you'll be saying is ''he's'' not Merlin! ''[Franklin laughs.]'' Merlin was a great teacher, you know! :'''Franklin''': I'm not hearing this. :'''Marcus''': They say he aged backwards. That was how he was able to foretell the future–by remembering it! Which means he came from the future! Maybe he had Arthur form the Round Table by remembering us! We're forming one of our own, after all. Which makes ''you'' Percival. I'm Galahad, him being sinless and all. Sheridan is Arthur. Ivanova, perhaps Gawain. I think we both know who Mordred is. So the question is…who is Morgana le Fay? === [[w:Ship of Tears|Ship of Tears]] === :'''Bester''': I was expecting the Captain. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': He sent me. :'''Bester''': Did he? He has a better sense of humor than I thought. Please, sit. :'''Ivanova''': I'd rather stand. :'''Bester''': I suspect you'd rather walk out that door and wall me up inside! Do a little re-creation of "[[w:The Cask of Amontillado|The Cask of Amontillado]]". "For the love of God, Montresor!" :'''Ivanova''': If you get near a point, make it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': So, how did you find out about all this? :'''Bester''': I'm a telepath. Work it out. === [[w:Interludes and Examinations|Interludes and Examinations]] === :''[Morden accosts Vir as he runs errands for Londo.]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': Anything I can do to help? :'''Vir Cotto''': Um…Short of dying? No, can't think of a thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': For three years now you've been pulling everyone's strings, getting us to do all the work, and you haven't done a ''damn'' thing but stand there and look ''cryptic''! Well, it's about time you start pulling your own weight around here. ''[…]'' I hear you've got a saying: "Understanding is a three-edged sword"? Well, we've got a saying, too: "Put your money where your mouth is"! :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': Impudent. :'''Sheridan''': Yeah? Well, maybe that's the only way to get through to you. You said you wanted to teach me to fight legends. Well, ''you're'' a legend too, and I am ''not'' going away until you agree! :'''Kosh''': Incorrect. ''[slams Sheridan into the wall with an energy blast]'' Leave. Now. :'''Sheridan''': No. :'''Kosh''': Disobedient! :'''Sheridan''': Up yours! :''[Kosh slams him into the wall again, this time drawing blood]'' :'''Sheridan''': So, the real Kosh shows his colors at last, huh? You angry now? Angry enough to kill me? Because that's the only way I'm leaving. Unless your people get off their encounter-suited ''butts'' and do something, I've got nothing to lose! Hell, my own government wants to kill me, and if we lose this war, I'm just as dead! Our only chance is to get the other races on board for this fight, and right now you're the key to doing that! :'''Kosh''': It is not yet time. :'''Sheridan''': And who decides that time? You? You put me in this position. You asked me to fight this damn war! Well, it's about time you let me fight it my way! How many people have already died fighting this war of yours, huh? How many more will die before you come down off that mountain and get involved? Ships, colonies, whole worlds are being destroyed out there, and you do ''nothing''! How many more? How many more, Kosh? How many more dead before you're satisfied, huh?! :''[Kosh again slams him into the wall, with crushing force]'' :'''Sheridan''': Go ahead. Maybe one more death…will help balance out the books. Go on, get it over with. Save us both the trouble later. :''[Kosh releases him]'' :'''Kosh''': I will do as you ask. But there is a price to pay. I will not be there to help you when you go to Z'ha'dum. :'''Sheridan''': You already said if I go to Z'ha'dum, I'll die. :'''Kosh''': Yes, now. :'''Sheridan''': All right. If that's the trade-off. If you want to withhold your help when the time comes, that's fine. I'll go it alone. :'''Kosh''': You do not understand. But you will. <hr width="50%"/> :''[blind with grief over the murder of his lover Adira, Londo comes to Morden with one final request]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Everyone dies around me, Mr. Morden. Except the ones that most deserve it. That is about to change. You said that you would go away for as long as I wanted. I no longer want that. All I want now…is revenge. They took from me the one thing that I have…have ever truly loved. And you will help me, Mr. Morden, to strike them down. Give me this, and the safety of my people…and let the rest of the galaxy burn. I don't care any more. :'''Morden''': Of course, Ambassador. As ever, I'm always in your service. === [[w:War Without End|War Without End]], Part 1 === :'''Rathenn''': I have the strangest feeling I will never see him again. :'''Vorlon''': He is the closed circle. He is returning to the beginning. :'''Rathenn''': The beginning of what? :''[The Vorlon turns and moves away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sinclair''': I need Lennier to stay on the ship. Can you get the equipment up here by yourself? :'''Zathras''': Yes, yes! Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life! Probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry! === [[w:War Without End|War Without End]], Part 2 === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[his last words, in a glimpse of the future]'' We have unfinished business between us, G'Kar. Let us make an end of it quickly, before [[w:Drakh#Keepers|it]] stops me. I am as tired of my life as you are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zathras''': All Minbari belief is around three. Three castes–Worker, Warrior, Religious. Three languages–Light, Dark and Grey. The nine of the Grey Council, three times three. All is three. As ''you'' are three. As you are ''one''. As you are ''the'' One. You ''[points to Sinclair]'' are the One who ''was''. You ''[points at Delenn]'' are the One who ''is''. And ''you''–''[points at Sheridan]''–you are the One who ''will be''. You are the beginning ''[Sinclair]'' of the story, and the middle ''[Delenn]'' of the story, and the end ''[Sheridan]'' of the story…that creates the next ''great'' story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': C'mon c'mon, grab what you need. We're running out of time. :'''Zathras''': Cannot run out of time. There is infinite time. You are finite. Zathras is finite. ''[picking up tool]'' '''THIS''' is wrong tool. === [[w:Walkabout (Babylon 5)|Walkabout]] === :''[G'Kar hosts a fugitive Narn shipmaster for dinner]'' :'''Na'Kal''': I thank you for this, G'Kar. We've been on the run for so long, I haven't tasted fresh food in months. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Well, it's not the hero's welcome you deserve, but it will do for now. :'''Na'Kal''': Breen! ''[takes a bite]'' You've managed to import breen from Homeworld! How? :'''G'Kar''': It, uh…isn't actually breen. :'''Na'Kal''': The smell, the taste—! :'''G'Kar''': It's an Earth food. They are called Swedish meatballs. It's a strange thing, but every sentient race has its own version of these Swedish meatballs! I suspect it's one of those great universal mysteries which will either never be explained, or which would drive you mad if you ever learned the truth.{{hnote|A reference to a joke in Douglas Adams' 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe' about gin and tonic.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Ivanova meet the new Vorlon ambassador, Kosh's replacement]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Your government neglected to tell me your name. How should I refer to you when we're alone? :'''[[w:Ulkesh|Kosh II]]''': Kosh. :'''Sheridan''': Ah, yes, I understand that's how we're to refer to you publicly, but privately? :'''Kosh II''': Kosh. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Ambassador Kosh is…dead. :'''Kosh II''': We are all Kosh. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Sheridan''': Well, he's a Vorlon, all right. :'''Ivanova''': Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin explains the principles of "walkabout" to Garibaldi.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': You know, as a Foundationist, I was always taught that if you're not careful, you can lose yourself in the world. You get too busy with things, not busy enough with yourself! Spend your days and nights living someone else's agendas, fighting someone else's battles, and you're doing the work you're supposed to be doing, but every day there's less and less of you in it all! Till one day, you come to a fork in the road, and because you're distracted, you're not thinking. You lose yourself. You go right, and the rest of you, the really important part of you, goes left! And you don't even know you've done it till you realize, you finally realize, that you don't have any idea who you are when you're not doing all those things! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Stephen…you don't really believe there are two of you, do you? :'''Franklin''': ''[chuckles]'' No, it's a metaphor! All right, there isn't ''literally'' another me walking around the station. But the principle is real! I realized I didn't have any idea who I was when I wasn't being a doctor, and I think I was using the stims to avoid facing that. Now I gotta fix it. :'''Garibaldi''': How? :'''Franklin''': By going walkabout. You just leave everything, and you start walking. I mean, the Foundation adopted the idea from the Aborigines back on Earth. The theory is, if you're separated from yourself, you start walking and you keep walking until you meet yourself. Then you sit down, and you have a long talk. Talk about everything that you've learned, everything that you've felt, and you talk until you've run out of words. Now, that's vital, because the real important things can't be said. And then, if you're lucky, you look up, and there's just you. Then you can go home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': It's ''easy'' to fight when you've got a lot of ships to work with. The real crunch comes when you're down to almost nothing! Then you either play it safe and you probably lose it all, or you take a chance! After what we've been through with your people, Sheridan was crazy to send our pilots out to fight for your ship! ''They'' didn't want to go, they didn't want to get blown out of the sky and leave B5 defenseless, and they sure as hell didn't want to die! But they did it because Sheridan ''told'' them to do it and because it was right! :'''G'Kar''': This time it is possible he could be wrong. :'''Garibaldi''': Yeah, it's possible. But you don't follow an order because you know for sure it's gonna work out! You do what you're told! Because your CO has the moral authority that says, "You may not come back! But the cause is just and fair and necessary!" ''That's'' why Sheridan is out there, and damn it, that's where that cruiser should be, too! It's not Na'Kal's decision, G'Kar. He doesn't see the big picture—''you do''! So in ''my'' book, and ''your'' book, that makes it ''your'' responsibility! Deal with it! === [[w:Grey 17 Is Missing|Grey 17 Is Missing]] === :''[Lennier is alarmed about Neroon's challenge to Delenn assuming the title of Entil'Zha.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': It should come as no surprise. We knew the warrior caste was unhappy with our activities. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Unhappy?! Delenn, he's planning to ''kill'' you! :'''Delenn''': That is…one interpretation. :'''Lennier''': He said he would use any and all means necessary. I respectfully suggest that he intends to go far beyond harsh language. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beating the tar out of Marcus, Neroon suggests the human need not be bound by Minbari honor.]'' :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': I am a Ranger! We walk in the dark places no others will enter! We stand on the bridge and no one may pass! We live for the One, we die for the One! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lennier''': Delenn, all we know is that we will die. It is only a matter of how, when, and whether or not it is with honor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neroon comes to Marcus' bed in Medlab to honor him.]'' :'''[[w:Neroon|Neroon]]''': Denn-Shar, you said. To the death…and death there was. The death was mine. To see a Human invoke the name of Valen. To be willing to die for one of my kind when I was intent upon ''killing'' one of my own. The rightness of my cause disappeared. Strange, that a human in his last moments would be more of a Minbari than I. Perhaps it is true what Delenn said: That we are not of the same blood, but we are of the same heart. :''[Neroon turns to leave.]'' :'''Marcus''': ''[in a hoarse whisper]'' The next time…''[Neroon returns to Marcus' bedside]''…the next time you want a revelation…could you possibly find a way…that isn't quite so…uncomfortable? :''[Neroon laughs out loud]'' === [[w:And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place|And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place]] === :''[Ivanova and Brother Theo are at customs to greet a group of religious leaders]'' :'''Reverend William Dexter''': Are you starting in already, Theo? I tell you, in fifty years of living and forty years of serving the Lord, I have never met a sorrier soul than Brother Theo here! :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Well, I wouldn't say… :'''Brother Theo''': Thank you! But I'd prefer to leave judgments as to the state of my soul to someone better qualified, and perhaps a bit less loud! :'''Rev. Dexter''': But it says in the Bible to make a joyful noise unto the Lord! :'''Brother Theo''': ''[grinning]'' I've heard you sing, Will. And take my word for it, that is ''not'' what the Good Lord had in mind when He said, "a joyful noise"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rev. Dexter''': I'd rather do something and make a mistake than be frightened into doing nothing. That's the problem back home. Folks have been conned into thinking they can't change the world. Have to accept what is. I'll tell you something, my friends, the world is changing every day. The only question is, who's doing it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rev. Dexter''': You know, before I got married, Emily used to come by sometimes and help me clean out my apartment. Well, I asked her, "How come you're so eager to help clean up my place when your place is just as bad?" She said, "Because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a ''mess'' I've made of mine, and…when I sweep my floor, all I've done is sweep my floor. But, when I help you clean up your place, I am helping ''you''." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rev. Dexter''': Every day, here and at home, we are warned about the enemy. But who is the enemy? Is it the alien? Well, we are all alien to one another. Is it the one who believes differently than we do? No, oh no, my friends. The enemy is fear. The enemy is ignorance. The enemy is the one who tells you that you must ''hate'' that which is different. Because, in the end, that hate will turn on you. And that same hate ''will'' destroy you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines: Delenn shows Sheridan a fleet of White Stars]'' :'''Delenn''': ''White Star'' was never intended to be one of a kind. It was only the first. We've been working around the clock to construct them. I said we needed time to prepare. This is why. The first wave of ships is finished at last. The Rangers will pilot them under our shared command. We are as ready for them as we will ever be. We finally have, as you say, a fighting chance. :'''Sheridan''': I don't know what to say. :'''Delenn''': Then say nothing. :''[they kiss]'' === [[w:Shadow Dancing|Shadow Dancing]] === :'''Michael Garibaldi''': Sometimes people walk away because they want to be alone, and sometimes they walk away because they want to see if you care enough to follow them into hell. I think I went the wrong way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus teaches Ivanova a little of the Minbari language.]'' :'''Marcus''': '''Nu'zen fel'ani in-a lis'e medran.''' ''[translation: ''You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.'']'' :'''Ivanova''': And what does that mean? :'''Marcus''': It's…just a greeting. It means…"My words are inadequate to the burden of my heart." :'''Ivanova''': Well, that's an unusual greeting. :'''Marcus''': Well…they're an unusual people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': I realized that I always defined myself in terms of what I wasn't. I wasn't a good soldier like my father. I wasn't the job. I wasn't a good prospect for marriage or kids. Always what I wasn't, never what I ''was''. And when you do that, you miss the moments. And the moments are all we've got. When I thought I was going to die, even after everything that's happened, I realized I didn't want to let go. I was willing to do it all over again, and this time I could appreciate the moments. I can't go back, but I can appreciate what I have right now, and I can define myself by what I ''am'', instead of what I'm not. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': And what are you? :'''Franklin''': Alive. Everything else is negotiable. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines; a surprise visitor makes her way to Sheridan's quarters.]'' :'''Anna Sheridan''': Hello. You must be Delenn. I'm Anna Sheridan. John's wife. === [[w:Z'ha'dum|Z'ha'dum]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Humans have a phrase: "What is past, is prologue." ''[…]'' Minbari also have a phrase: "What is past, is also sometimes the future." <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I trusted you, Delenn. I cared for you. I let myself start to love you. Do you know what that means? Do you know how hard that was for me? All along a little part of me was still in love with Anna, even though she was gone. I had to fight that part off every time I…I thought about you, about holding you, about building a life with the two of us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''G'Kar''': It was the end of the Earth year 2260, and the war had paused, suddenly and unexpectedly. All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath…waiting. All of life can be broken down into moments of transition, or moments…of revelation. This had the feeling of both. ''[…]'' G'Quan wrote, "There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender." The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born…in ''pain''. == Season 4: No Surrender, No Retreat == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': It was the year of fire… :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': …the year of destruction… :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': …the year we took back what was ours. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': It was the year of rebirth… :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': …the year of great sadness… :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': …the year of pain… :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': …and a year of joy. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': It was…a new age. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': It was the end of history. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': It was the year everything changed. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': The year is 2261. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': The place, Babylon 5. === [[w:The Hour of the Wolf|The Hour of the Wolf]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It is now seven days since we lost Captain Sheridan and Mr. Garibaldi. In a way I think we have also lost Ivanova. It is as though her heart has been pierced and her spirit has poured out through the wound. She blames herself. It is foolish; it is destructive; it is…human. Ambassador Mollari has returned to Centauri Prime to take up his role as advisor of planetary security. I suppose he is quite happy with his new position. It's what he always wanted: power, title, responsibility. I think he is more alone than anyone else in the universe. Delenn has refused to eat for seven days, fasting, praying, and waiting. Delenn believes; I think she is the only one who does. The Shadows have paused in their pursuit of war and everywhere there is a sense of imminent change. Whether it is a change for good or ill, no one could tell, because no one has answered two very important questions: :Where is Mr. Garibaldi? And what happened to Captain Sheridan at Z'ha'dum? <hr width=50%/> :''[Zack investigates a break-in in Garibaldi's quarters…and finds G'Kar, wearing the chief's fedora']'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': G'Kar? What are you doing here? :'''G'Kar''': I saw him wearing this from time to time, and I thought it would help me. In all the concern about Sheridan, it seems Mr. Garibaldi has been forgotten. :'''Zack''': No. Not forgotten. But I think he'd want Sheridan found first. :'''G'Kar''': Then you think he's alive? :'''Zack''': I don't know. When you come right down to it, it doesn't matter what I think either way. :'''G'Kar''': Our thoughts form the universe. They ''always'' matter. ''[He turns to a picture of [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]] over Garibaldi's bed.]'' I was studying this image. Is it one of his household gods? :'''Zack''': ''[chuckles]'' That's Daf—Yeah, well, in a way I suppose it is. It's sort of the Egyptian god of frustration. :'''G'Kar''': Most appropriate! Thank you. I came here to remind myself of his soul, his center. His ''chad'rasha'', we call it. It will help me. :'''Zack''': Help you what? :'''G'Kar''': It takes a rare kind of wisdom to accept change and redemption in another. Many would refuse, seeing only what was, not what is. Mr. Garibaldi gave me that chance, and I must repay him. So I'm going after him, Mr. Allan. I don't know where he is, or where to start, but if he is alive, I will find him and bring him back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta pays Ivanova a late-night visit.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Suasn Ivanova]]''': Have you ever heard of the [[w:hour of the wolf|hour of the wolf]]? :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': No. :'''Ivanova''': My father told me about it. It's the time between three and four in the morning. You can't sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should've gone but didn't. All you can hear is the sound of your own heart. I've been living in the hour of the wolf for seven days, Lyta. Seven days. The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis. ''[She sits down and sees that Lyta is still standing.]'' Ah, please. ''[She points at a chair, and Lyta gets her drift and sits.]'' In times like this, my father used to take one large glass of vodka before bed. To keep the wolf away, he said. And then he would take three very small drinks of vodka, just in case she had cubs while she was waiting outside. ''[takes a drink]'' It doesn't work. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ivanova''': Lennier, get us the hell out of here! :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Initiating "getting the hell out of here" maneuver. === [[w:Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?|Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Compassion is a rare commodity these days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar and [[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]] take shelter after a bar brawl]'' :'''G'Kar''': I was doing fine until you showed up with that… ''[gesticulates mockingly]'' '''thing''' in hand. :'''Marcus Cole''': It's a Minbari fighting pike, several hundred years old. ''[points and smiles]'' You're just jealous because you don't have one. Bad case of pikal envy, if you ask me. :''[later]'' :'''G'Kar''': ''[admiring Marcus's (closed) Minbari fighting pike]'' May I? :''[Marcus hands him the pike.]'' :'''Marcus Cole''': To open it, you press… :''[G'Kar presses the button and opens the pike; it telescopes out, barely missing Marcus and knocking over a crate. G'Kar looks at him like a child with a new favorite toy.]'' :'''G'Kar''': I like it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[ [[w:Delenn|Delenn]] watches an excerpt from [[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]'s personal log.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Personal log, May 14, 2260. We actually had a quiet day today. It's hard to believe with so much going on lately, and now that we've broken away from Earth, everything has hit the fan. It's not what I wanted. Frankly, it scared the hell out of me. But it had to be done. The job now is to turn this around and make it into something positive. My dad always told me that's the only way you deal with pain. You don't surrender, you don't fight it, you turn it into something positive. He used to say, "If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose." In a way, I feel the same way about Delenn. I mean, during the war I fought Minbari, I killed Minbari. I saw many of my friends die at Minbari hands. And here I am, in love with one of them. For a long time, I thought about not saying anything, but the moment my heart crossed that line, there wasn't much I could do but see it through. Yeah, I've fallen off one hell of a cliff. When I look in her eyes, I let myself think, maybe I really can fly. :''[Later in the episode, Delenn delivers a speech to a group of Rangers.]'' :'''Delenn''': The chances of success are small, but if we stay here and do nothing, they are even smaller. So we go. As a dear friend said to me, "If you're falling off a mountain, you may as well try to fly." Here, at the end, I offer you one final chance to fly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar has been taken prisoner by the [[w:Centauri (Babylon 5)|Centauri]], tortured, and now languishes in an underground cell. [[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]] steps in to visit him, asking for his help in removing the emperor. Just before he leaves, G'Kar rebuts.]'' :'''G'Kar''': You didn't ask the price…for my cooperation. :'''Londo Mollari''': ''[incredulous]'' You are not exactly in a position to bargain, G'Kar. :'''G'Kar''': Neither are you. You want my help…for the sake of your people. I will give it…for the sake of my own. If I remove the monster from your throne, you will remove the monster…from my world. Leave Narn! Set my world free! Promise me this, and I will do as you ask. :''[Mollari thinks about this for a moment, then realizes he has no choice and agrees.]'' :'''Mollari''': You have my word. :''[He is let out of the cell by the guard, allowing the bright light to stream in from outside. G'Kar lies back against the wall of his cell, basking in the glow, joyful tears in his eyes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lorien (Babylon 5)|Lorien]]''': It's easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for? :: paraphrased from [[Wilhelm Stekel]], <small>"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."</small> === [[w:The Summoning|The Summoning]] === :''[Ivanova insists she does not need a translator to command a Minbari-crewed White Star.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[in Minbari]'' Flak'sha. ''[Engines at full.]'' Shin'drabi. ''[High power.]'' Hat'rashu… ''[Hatrack ratcatcher…]'' an dolo… ''[to port weapons…]'' ishi'den! ''[brickbat lingerie!]'' :''[Both fluent in the language, one of them natively, [[w:Delenn|Delenn]] and [[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus]] look on, horrified. Marcus desperately searches for the right response.]'' :'''Marcus Cole''': It's… :'''Delenn''': ''[quickly]'' Um, very good! ''[Minbari only lie to help another save face.]'' :'''Marcus''': Bit of an accent. But yes, very good. :'''Delenn''': But it is not enough to speak Minbari; you must also ''think'' in our language. :'''Marcus''': It can take a few seconds to translate an order. And we all know a lot can happen in a few seconds: Crash, boom, burn. :'''Delenn''': Exactly. So Marcus will accompany you. :'''Ivanova''': ''[protesting]'' That's not… :'''Delenn''': ''[to Marcus]'' Do you mind? :'''Marcus''': Not at all. Love to. :''[Ivanova sees she's beaten.]'' :'''Ivanova''': All right. Meet me early in the morning, or I'm leaving without you. ''[She stalks off.]'' :'''Marcus''': ''[calling after her]'' I'll be there! :'''Delenn''': ''[very serious]'' Tell the crew that if anyone laughs, they will answer to me personally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marcus''': At least a dozen ships have reported seeing something rather godlike in the area, and since neither you nor I were there, it must be one of the First Ones. :'''Ivanova''': ''[smiling]'' You're having delusions of grandeur again. :'''Marcus''': Well, if you're gonna have delusions, may as well go for the really ''satisfying'' ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo attempts to recruit Vir into the conspiracy to assassinate Emperor Cartagia.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I've never been involved in a conspiracy to kill anyone before, not to mention the Emperor! I thought we were past this ''centuries'' ago! I mean, there's got to be another way, Londo! I mean, can't we reason with him or something… : . . . :''[after meeting Cartagia and hearing him bemoan G'Kar's refusal to scream, despite being tortured in supremely painful ways]'' :'''Vir''': Londo? Remember what I said before about "there must be another way"? I was wrong. ''Kill him!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his quarters, Ambassador [[w:Ulkesh|Ulkesh]] removes the last vestiges of his consciousness from [[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]'s mind. The energy streams disconnect from her with a pop and her head snaps back like she has been struck.]'' :'''Lyta Alexander''': You didn't have to pull out so suddenly. You ''hurt'' me. :''[The Vorlon's encounter suit closes without response.]'' :'''Lyta Alexander''': While I was carrying you, you felt cold, hard. What are you hiding from me? :'''Ulkesh''': ''[ignoring her once more]'' Your work for now is done here. Go. Sleep. :'''Lyta Alexander''': I have a right to know. I've done everything you asked. I let your people modify me, enhance my telepathic abilities so I'd be more suited to carry a Vorlon around in my head, because I believed. [[w:Kosh|Kosh]]—the real Kosh—wasn't like this. I think on some level he cared about us…about me. With you it's as if I'm being used and then thrown away when I'm not needed anymore. ''[explodes with anger]'' Dammit! I have earned some respect! ''[straightens]'' And I have earned some answers. :''[The eye-sensor on the encounter suit head narrows]'' :'''Ulkesh''': Respect? From whom? :''[Lyta's mouth drops open in shock. In her anger, she tries to scan him, but a wave of energy shoots out and knocks her back into the wall. The Vorlon advances on her, the eye-sensor widening and glowing red.]'' :'''Ulkesh''': ''[angrily]'' Would you know my thoughts? ''Would you''? :''[A sound indicating an intense mind-probe. Lyta screams, and the scene goes black.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marcus''': Anyone special waiting for you back home? :'''Ivanova''': No, not anymore. You? :'''Marcus''': ''[bashful]'' Someone. She doesn't know it yet. :'''Ivanova''': That's a strange way to pursue a relationship. :'''Marcus''': I suppose so. Ah…I want this thing to go right. I want it to be special. :'''Ivanova''': Oh. A romantic! I don't think I've felt that way since the first time! :'''Marcus''': That's what I'm talking about. :''[Susan's eyes narrow, get wide, then get wider.]'' :'''Ivanova''': You mean you don't…you haven't… :'''Marcus''': Yes. :'''Ivanova''': You're a… :'''Marcus''': Exactly. :'''Ivanova''': With anyone? :'''Marcus''': Never met the right person before. :'''Ivanova''': Wow. I thought the First Ones were rare! Well, I hope she appreciates it. :'''Marcus''': So do I. It's… ''[An alarm goes off.]'' I'm picking something up! :'''Ivanova''': A unicorn? ''[he gives her a confused look]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan, back from Z'ha'dum, interrupts the rabble rousers on the Zocalo.]'' :'''Drazi''': Captain…we're sorry…We thought you were ''dead''. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': ''[deadpan]'' I was. I'm better now. === [[w:Falling Toward Apotheosis|Falling Toward Apotheosis]] === :''[After being treated with reverence by a group in the docking bay, [[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]] walks with [[w:Lorien|Lorien]] down the corridor. As they leave, they overhear one woman asking about the captain's so-called resurrection.]'' :'''Lorien''': You heard? :'''John Sheridan''': I heard. :'''Lorien''': They need to believe. :'''Sheridan''': Not in me. :'''Lorien''': You can't save them all. :'''Sheridan''': I'll try. :'''Lorien''': You'll fail. :'''Sheridan''': We'll see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova and Garibaldi survey the fleet]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': That is a hell of a lot of ships. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': And more on the way. The captain wants the biggest fleet in history if we're gonna end this war. The way things are shaping up out there it looks like he just might get it. :'''Garibaldi''': And then what? :'''Ivanova''': And then what what? :'''Garibaldi''': Well if we lose, there is no "then what", and if we win, what next? We're still renegades. I don't think there's anybody left on this side of the galactic core we haven't already honked off. We can't go home. Sometimes I don't know which scares me more, winning or losing. :'''Ivanova''': God, I thought I was depressing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan proposes to Delenn]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I, um…I wanted you to have this. I got it down in the Zocalo. It's not exactly what I had in mind, but, um…It's temporary until I can get you a real engagement ring. Um, it's an Earth custom. See, you give someone you love an engagement ring as kind of down payment for another ring. The kind you exchange when you get married. I don't know when we will be able to get around to that part of it. We may not survive the next two weeks, but I wanted you to have this and to know that whatever time I have left, I want to spend it with you. === [[w:The Long Night (Babylon 5)|The Long Night]] === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Great Maker! Your eye! Cartagia? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': My eye offended him. Doesn't matter. I can see things now that were invisible to me before. An empty eye sees through to an empty heart.{{hnote|G'Kar is quoting from the human Bible, Matthew 5:28-30: 'And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.'}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[After G'Kar breaks free from his chains and starts a riot]'' :'''Cartagia''': Completely irresponsible! The chains weren't properly secured, I can't have it getting out. They'll have to be killed! :'''Londo''': Majesty— :'''Cartagia''': All of them, killed! Incompetent behavior! Absolutely incompetent! :'''Londo''': Be quiet! :'''Cartagia''': "Quiet"?! ''[strikes Londo, making him drop Vir Cotto's poisoned needle]'' You would tell the stars to darken on a whim?! What, would you tear down the mountains because their height offends you?! Who are you?! ''[seizes Londo]'' Where were you?! Where were you when my destiny was written in those stars? Where were you when the gods themselves shined down upon me? Huh? You dare to speak to me?! No, you can burn. You can burn with Centauri Prime. You can burn with the rest. Burn with the cities, burn with the temples, burn with all of them! :''[Cartagia throws Londo away and turns—only to have Vir run him through with the needle.]'' :'''Cartagia''': No! ''[grabs Vir, but starts to weaken as Londo holds him up]'' I was to be a god, you understand…a god… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The War Council has just witnessed the Shadow planet killer in action]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Anyone want to tell me how the hell we're supposed to stop ''that?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the assassination, Londo finds Vir drowning his sorrows.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': ''[slurring]'' I was toasting Emperor Cartagia. And since he wasn't here, I drank for him. And then, I couldn't be rude, so I had to drink with him. And so first it was me drinking for him—''[drinks]'' and then him drinking for me—''[drinks again]'' and then I kinda got into this kinda cycle. And then, here comes Cartagia, his glass broke, and—maybe it was my glass. Would you like some? Because you know what, I think this is Cartagia's glass after all, so it would be quite appropriate, don't you think? :'''Londo''': You're drunk. :'''Vir''': Absolut—positive—oh, you betcha. I figured it always worked for you, Londo. Let me—lemme ask you something. ''[puts a hand on Londo's shoulder and leans in]'' How much more before I can look in the mirror and not see myself? Because I keep looking and I'm always there. And right now I don't want to see me. :'''Londo''': ''[pulling away]'' You're behaving like a fool! You did what was necessary. You saved the lives of millions of our people. He had to be stopped. He— :'''Vir''': ''[anguished]'' '''Don't you understand? I've never done anything like this before! I close my eyes and I always see his face!''' ''[crying, he sits on a couch]'' Don't you know that all I ever wanted was…was a good job, small title, nothing fancy. A wife I could love, maybe even one who could actually love someone like me. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to know the things that I know, or to do…to do the things that I've done. :'''Londo''': I know. I know, Vir. I never wanted you in that hole. I never wanted you to… I remember when you first arrived on Babylon 5. You were so…full of life, innocent. I was not kind to you. I treated you poorly. I think that I did that because I was envious of you. Envious that you had come so far and were still innocent in your way. You still believed. I, on the other hand… I cannot tell you that your pain will ever go away. I cannot tell you that you will ever forget his face. I can only tell you that it ''was necessary''. You may have helped to save our people. You did a hard thing. But you still have your heart, and your heart is a good one. You would not be in such great pain otherwise. It means there is still hope for you. And for that, I find I ''still'' envy you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar is aghast at his people's enthusiasm for more fighting with the departed Centauri.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Why are you celebrating?! :'''G'Lorn''': We drove them away! They knew they could not enslave us forever, and we drove them off! Through strength! :'''G'Kar''': Is that what you think? Try to understand! The strength that defeated the Centauri is not from weapons or arms! :'''G'Lorn''': G'Kar, you are tired, you're hurt. You're not seeing this as we do. :'''G'Kar''': ''I see'', G'Lorn. I see better than you can imagine. :'''G'Lorn''': When you've rested, we will thank you properly, as is your right. There will be celebrations in the street, G'Kar; your name will be a blessing to any who speak it! And then…then, G'Kar, you will lead us against our oppressors. You will be the instrument of our vengeance! With you directing us, we will finally ''destroy'' the Centauri! :'''G'Kar''': You have just tossed someone ''off'' that throne! Would you put another in his place so quickly? The Kha'Ri spoke with many equal voices, not the one voice of a single leader. :'''G'Lorn''': We need strength to lead us, ''fire'' to forge us! We saw that in the Centauri, learned that from them. :'''G'Kar''': Then you have learned the wrong lessons. I will not take the throne. If the Kha'Ri is restored, I will take my place among them, but that's all. I did not fight to remove one dictator just to become another myself! :'''G'Lorn''': But the Centauri— :'''G'Kar''': ''[interrupting]'' '''ARE A LOST PEOPLE!''' They ought to be ''pitied!'' They are already on a course for self-destruction! They do not need help from us. We need to redress our wounds, help our people, rebuild our cities! :'''G'Lorn''': We must strike back! :'''G'Kar''': No. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''G'Lorn''': I never thought you a ''coward'', G'Kar! ''[G'Kar stops in his tracks]'' We suffered and died during their occupation! Where were you? What have ''you'' endured? :''[G'Kar stares at him, dumbfounded, out of his one remaining eye.]'' :'''G'Kar''': What have ''I'' endured? :''[In way of answer, he starts laughing. His laughter fills the room as he turns to leave the group of angry Narns behind.]'' === [[w:Into the Fire (Babylon 5)|Into the Fire]] === :'''[[w:Lorien (Babylon 5)|Lorien]]''': I am the last, and…I was the first. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I have to admit, I'm a little bit skeptical about that. :'''Lorien''': Skepticism is the language of the mind. What does your heart tell you? :'''Ivanova''': My heart and I don't speak anymore. :'''Lorien''': So I've noticed. : . . . :'''Lorien''': To live on as we have is to leave behind joy, and love, and companionship, because we know it to be transitory, of the moment. We know it will turn to ash. Only those whose lives are brief can imagine that love…is eternal. You should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the greatest gift your race has ever received. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The White Star joins with the rest of the fleet, heading toward the final battleground of the war.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Win or lose, we'll go down fighting. ''[issuing orders to [[w:Lennier|Lennier]]]'' Pour it on, Mr. Lennier. Take us into the fire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo finds out Morden was behind Adira's poisoning.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': He ''played'' me! He ''played'' me like a PUPPET! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Sheridan''': We still can't win, but it's not bad. :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': We can't win? :'''Sheridan''': Against the Vorlons ''and'' the Shadows? No. :'''Marcus''': Then what are we doing here? :'''Sheridan''': Hoping the truth will set us free… before it kills us.{{hnote|John 8:32 (NIV): 'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo has the Morden's two Shadow protectors shot dead]'' :'''Londo''': I'll have to have that painted over, I suppose. :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': You're insane. :'''Londo''': On any other day, Mr. Morden, you would be wrong. Today? Today is a ''very'' different day. One last time: remove your ships! :'''Morden''': No. You don't frighten me, Mollari. You try to attack our forces, you'll lose. :'''Londo''': Yes, your ships are very impressive in the air, or in space. But at this moment, they are on the ground. :'''Morden''': Right. They're on the ground. But they can sense an approaching ship miles away. So what're you gonna do, Mollari, huh? Blow up the island? :'''Londo''': Actually…now that you mention it… ''[he produces a small remote detonator]'' :'''Morden''': '''NO!''' :''[Londo blows up the island]'' :'''Londo''': I had most of our people evacuated from Celini during the night. A few stayed, to maintain the illusion of our presence. They knew what was being asked of them. I would have preferred another way, hoped that you would be reasonable, but... ''[to his guards]'' Take him to a cell. Keep him there. :'''Morden''': ''[as he is dragged away]'' You just made a mistake, Londo! Even if my associates lose this war, they have allies! They'll make sure Centauri Prime pays the price for what you've done here today! :'''Londo''': What I have done? Oh, Mr. Morden, I have not even ''started'' with you yet... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': Morning, gentlemen. This is your wakeup call. :''[Sheridan detonates three nuclear devices among the Shadow and Vorlon ships.]'' :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Captain? :'''Sheridan''': Hmm? :'''Lyta''': They're ''pissed''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Sheridan and Delenn eventually figured out the true purpose behind the Vorlon-Shadow War]'' :'''Sheridan''': You're trying to force us to decide ''which'' of you is right. You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides! Not for their benefit, but for '''yours'''! But what if the right choice... ''is not to choose at all''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': The Vorlons ask only one question, over and over: "Who are you?". ''[points to Shadow emissary]'' And you, for you the question is: "What do you want?". I have ''never'' heard ''you'' answer that question. ''[Points, respectively, to the Vorlon and then the Shadow for each following question]'' Who are ''you''? What do ''you'' want? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn and Sheridan "negotiate" an end to the Vorlon-Shadow War]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': The others have rejected you! How do you have a war when no one will fight for either of you? :'''Sheridan''': We refuse to take sides in this anymore! And we refuse to let you turn us against one another! We know who we are now. We can find our own way between order and chaos! :'''Delenn''': You can kill us one by one, and those who follow us, and those who follow them, on and on, every race, every planet. Until there's no one left to kill. You will have failed as guardians. And you will be alone. :'''Sheridan''': It's over because ''we've'' decided it's over! Now '''''get the hell out of our galaxy!''''' Both of you! :''[The Vorlons and Shadows hesitate, but Lorien steps in]'' :'''Lorien''': As I taught you and stepped aside, now you must do the same. Our age is past. This…belongs to the younger races now. They have learned to stand on their own. They have learned…to understand. Time to let them go. :'''Shadow''': Will you…come…with us? :'''Lorien''': I have been here since the beginning. I will not leave you now. I will go with you beyond the Rim, and we will see again all those who went ahead of us, all those who we have missed for so long. :'''Vorlon''': Then…we will not be alone? :'''Lorien''': No. Never alone. :''[The Vorlons and Shadows disappear, and their respective fleets leave the system]'' :'''Marcus''': Did we just win? :'''Ivanova''': Don't jinx it. :''[Lorien turns to address Sheridan and Delenn]'' :'''Lorien''': I waited a long time for someone to find me. Now, like the others, I find I hate to leave. But none of us can stay behind this time. That was why it was necessary to find all the remaining First Ones. This…is yours now. And you have an obligation…to do as we have done. To teach the races that will follow you and, when your time comes, as ours has, to step aside and allow them to grow into their own destiny. If your races survive, if you do not kill yourselves, I look forward to the day when your people join us…beyond the Rim. :''[he starts dissolving into a ball of light]'' :'''Lorien''': We will wait for you… <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheridan''': We are all alone now, just the younger races. We can't blame anyone else from now on. It's a new age, Delenn. A third age! :'''Delenn''': Why third? :'''Sheridan''': We began in chaos, too primitive to make our own decisions. Then we were manipulated from outside by forces that thought they knew what was best for us. And now? Now we are finally standing on our own. Lorien was right, it's a great responsibility. This is ours now. :'''Delenn''': Strange. The galaxy seems somehow smaller now that the First Ones are gone forever. :'''Sheridan''': It feels like the magic's gone now. :'''Delenn''': No, not gone. Now we make our own magic. Now we create our own legends. Now we build the future. Now we stop… :'''Sheridan''' …being afraid of shadows. === [[w:Epiphanies (Babylon 5)|Epiphanies]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': I have seen what power does, and I have seen what power costs. The one is never equal to the other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zack is showing some new security guards the ropes at Customs.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': When you come on duty always check this display. This is where you get your details on who to hold, and who to let through. Anything unusual gets flagged. :''[Londo walks through the gate.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': And would I fall under the category of unusual, Mr. Allen? :'''Zack''': Well! I didn't think we'd be seeing you again any time soon, ambassador. :'''Londo''': Yes, I could tell, from the look of unvarnished joy on your face when I came aboard. Perhaps you would like to take a seat before you are overcome with ecstasy? :'''Zack''': No thanks, I'm fine. So what happened, they get tired of you back home? :'''Londo''': Tired? No, don't be absurd. Why, the Emperor himself said I would only be allowed to leave over his dead body. I thought, "Well, how strange. Mr. Allan said I would only be allowed back onto Babylon 5 over ''his'' dead body." With my busy schedule I'm afraid I can only accommodate so many requests. I'm sorry, Mr. Allan, but I'm afraid you'll simply have to wait your turn! ''[he leaves]'' :'''Zack''': The only reason that guy is still alive is that half the time I don't know what the hell he's talking about. The other half, I wish I didn't. But that's why it's important to check in on customs on a regular basis. ''[Bester now appears behind him, surrounded by three security guards.]'' You never know who's gonna walk in that– :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Just a guess, Mr. Allan, but I'd suggest the word you're looking for is "door". Now, please notify the Captain that I'm here. I need to meet with him and the rest of the Command staff ASAP. I assume my usual quarters in the brig are available? I've grown ''so'' attached to the place. :'''Zack''': For you, Mr. Bester? Always. :''[Bester and his security escort move on.]'' :'''Zack''': ''[sighs]'' You ever have one of those days? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Psi Cops are trained to make everyone nervous, but Bester can make even other Psi Cops nervous. :'''Zack''': Hell, the man can make poison ivy nervous. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': Ms. Alexander has no business being here. She's a blip! By all rights, I should arrest her and take her back with me. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Oh, you could do that. And I could nail your head to the table, set fire to it, and feed your charred remains to the Pak'ma'ra. But…it's an imperfect world, and we never get exactly what we want. So get used to it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester confronts Lyta about her enhanced telepathic abilities.]'' :'''Bester''': You've been keeping me out since I got here. A good question is, why? A better question is, ''how?'' I was thinking…I may have spoken rashly before. There may be some value in not turning you over. You're stronger than the last time I saw you. :'''Lyta''': We all change. :'''Bester''': Yes, but this is different. I can feel it. Whatever's happened to you, you have a moral obligation to share it with the Corps, Lyta. The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father. :'''Lyta''': In that case, Mr. Bester? '''I'm an orphan'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the White Star arrives at Z'ha'dum]'' :'''Bester''': Is that it? It looks like Hell. :'''Sheridan''': That's about right. === [[w:The Illusion of Truth|The Illusion of Truth]] === :''[An ISN crew arrives on the station and is stopped by security.]'' :'''Dan Randall''': Hey! That's private proprerty! We have rights here! :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': What you're going to have is my foot sixteen inches up your butt if you don't get the hell out of my way! <hr width="50%"> :''[An ISN reporter complains to Sheridan about Ivanova's rough treatment.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Commander! Did you threaten to grab this man by the collar and threaten to throw him out an airlock? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[chagrined]'' Yes, I did. :'''Sheridan''': I'm shocked! Shocked and dismayed. :''[The reporter nods, mollified.]'' :'''Sheridan''': May I remind you that we are short on supplies here? We can't afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw it out into space! Always take the jacket off first—I've told you that before! :''[Ivanova nods meekly.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Sorry. She meant to say, "stripped naked and thrown out of an airlock". I apologize for any confusion this may have caused. <hr width="50%"> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, 'Oh, I think it's a little chilly in here, perhaps I'll throw a blanket on the bed.' No, I said it was ''cold'', as in 'Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor!' This is ''highly'' inappropriate, Captain! :'''Sheridan''': ''[smirking]'' You're right. There are several other parts of your body I'd much rather see snapped off. === [[w:Atonement (Babylon 5)|Atonement]] === :''[Zack is being fitted for his new Uniform as Chief of Security.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Oh yeah, I should listen to a Minbari about fashion. I mean, robes? Hoods? No offense, but I've seen Vorlons with more fashion sense. :''[The Minbari tailor stabs Zack with the needle.]'' :'''Zack''': She did that on purpose. :'''Lennier''': Yes, I believe she did. I will deal with this. :'''Lennier''': ''[in Minbari]'' Good work. Give me a moment with the Human, and next time…use a bigger needle. :'''Zack''': Yeah, and don't you forget it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the Dreaming, Delenn recalls a conversation with her mentor Dukhat about the Grey Council not wishing to contact the humans.]'' :'''Delenn''': Master, may I ask a question? Will you make contact? :'''Dukhat''': No. The Council will be more determined now. I could override their decision, but nothing would be served. Authority should never be used as a club, Delenn. :'''Delenn''': But then why? :'''Dukhat''': When others do a foolish thing, you should ''tell'' them it is a foolish thing. They can still continue to do it, but at least the ''truth'' is where it needs to be. They will be most upset with you now. You have embarrassed them. I apologize for that. In my anger, I believe I may have caused you more problems in the future. :'''Delenn''': No. No, Master. It was an honor. :'''Dukhat''': Don't interrupt when I'm being kind. It does not happen often, Delenn. Raise your eyes and look at me. :'''Delenn''': ''[eyes down]'' It is disrespectful. :'''Dukhat''': I cannot have an aide who will not look up. You will be forever walking into things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin gets testy with Marcus on their cargo shuttle trip to Mars.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Is this really the best ship you could find? :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Yes. ''[he flicks his pike open, then closes it just as quickly]'' :'''Franklin''': Smells like the inside of a Martian pleasure dome on Sunday morning. :'''Marcus''': Wouldn't know about that. :'''Franklin''': Don't make me come over there and ''[flick]'' take that thing from you. :'''Marcus''': Helps me relax. :'''Franklin''': Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end with a gunshot! :'''Marcus''': Would you like me to sing instead? :'''Franklin''': No. :'''Marcus''': You haven't heard me! :'''Franklin''': Marcus, ''please''! :''[the episode ends with Marcus singing the [[w:Major-General's Song|Major-General's Song]] by Gilbert and Sullivan]'' === [[w:Racing Mars|Racing Mars]] === :''[After discussing recent events with [[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|Captain Sheridan]], [[w:Susan Ivanova|Commander Ivanova]] walks around his desk and sits in his chair.]'' :'''Susan Ivanova''': Speaking of which, as of now I'm relieving you of command. :'''John Sheridan''': ''[slightly amused]'' Ivanova, your sense of humor has always been on the edge of good taste, but— :'''Ivanova''': I'm serious, John. :'''Sheridan''': ''[defensively]'' On what grounds? :'''Ivanova''': You haven't taken any personal time in over nine months. And in that time we have broken away from Earth, fought a ''war'', you have been declared dead at least once, and you know how tiring that can be. :'''Sheridan''': There isn't much chance of me winning this argument, is there? :'''Ivanova''': None whatsoever. I never give up when I'm right. Your only option is to surrender. :'''Sheridan''': Who taught you to negotiate like that? :'''Ivanova''': You did. :'''Sheridan''': ''[impressed and defeated]'' Oh. Well, then I assume this enforced vacation is to begin immediately. :''[Ivanova has already picked up papers from the desk and gotten to work.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Started when I walked in that door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus and Franklin are killing time in a cargo hold filled with crates.]'' :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': I spy with my little eye…something beginning with "B." :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': ''[annoyed]'' Boxes. :'''Marcus''': Fine! I spy with my little eye something beginning with "M." :'''Franklin''': ''More'' boxes. :'''Marcus''': Two in a row. :'''Franklin''': ''[deadpan]'' "And that's when I shot him, Your Honor." :'''Marcus''': I spy with my little eye something beginning with "E." :'''Franklin''': I-I give up. :'''Marcus''': Oh come on. :'''Franklin''': This better not be what I– :'''Marcus and Franklin''': ''[in unison]'' Even MORE boxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova tries to sell smugglers on running EarthGov's blockade.]'' :'''Ivanova''': We'll upgrade your data systems, and supercharge your engines! ''And'', if you have an accident, we'll repair your ships. And sooner or later, your ships ''will'' have accidents. :'''Smuggler #1''': My pilots don't have accidents. :'''Ivanova''': They ''will''. I'll see to it. :'''Smuggler #1''': You wouldn't! :'''Ivanova''': Really? I've got a 200-megawatt pulse cannon in the forward cargo bay that says otherwise. === [[w:Lines of Communication|Lines of Communication]] === :''[When Sheridan is faced with the possibility of Delenn heading into what could be a war zone.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Can't you send out Lennier? It might be dangerous. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[smiles in amusement]'' John! It pleases me that you care for what I have become. ''[seriously]'' But never forget who I was, what I am, and what I can do. <hr width="50%"> :''[Sheridan praises Ivanova for her telecasts during the Shadow war.]'' :'''John Sheridan''': You have a face people trust. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I'd rather have a face people fear. :'''Sheridan''': That too. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheridan''': Why not come up with a way to turn the war room into…I don't know…The Voice of the Resistance! Susan, during World War II, the French Resistance used to go on the air for one hour a night, always from a different location, broadcasting the ''real'' news about the war. Providing intelligence for the resistance fighters, encouraging Germans to defect. Well, why can't we do the same thing here? :'''Ivanova''': Why do I get the ugly suspicion that you're volunteering me for this job? :'''Sheridan''': I accept your offer! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Touch passion when it comes your way, Stephen. It's rare enough as it is. Don't walk away when it calls you ''by name''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': Before the war, Dukhat wanted to know more about your people, so I began studying your history. I came to the conclusion that of all the races we had encountered, humans were the most dangerous. Because humans form communities. And from that diversity comes a strength that no single race can withstand. That is your strength. And it is that which makes you dangerous. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheridan''': I'm tired, Delenn. Sometimes I feel as if I've been carrying this station on my back and crawling through broken glass for three years. === [[w:Conflicts of Interest|Conflicts of Interest]] === :''[After Garibaldi reunites a client with his missing daughter, the man is surprised by the invoice Garibaldi hands him.]'' :'''Client''': It's one-third your fee! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': It is? ''[looking]'' Yeah, it is. Well, I am going to have to take this up with Bookkeeping. I mean, this hardly even covers my expenses. I—well, now that I think about it, I ''am'' the Bookkeeping Department. I'll tell you what. I don't wanna get ''me'' into trouble over this, so…why don't we just let it go at 30%? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': If you're going to wait for the universe to start making sense, you'll have a long wait ahead of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the episode]'' :'''Ivanova''': This is Commander Susan Ivanova of Babylon 5, and this is the first official broadcast of the new Voice of the Resistance. We're sending this signal out to every ship that wants to hear the truth, to our fallen comrades and freedom fighters on Mars and Proxima 3, and to Earth, which, despite what you may have heard, is still our home and still the one dream that we are as loyal to now as we ever have been. Over the last three years, ever since President Clark took over after arranging the assassination of President Santiago, you have been hearing nothing but misinformation, propaganda, and outright lies. Now we're going to tell you the truth, and we're going to keep telling it until they shut us down or until President Clark steps down and returns Earth to the hands of its people. You can kill us, you can bomb our colonies, destroy our ships, murder innocent civilians, but you cannot kill the truth. And the truth is back in business. === [[w:Rumors, Bargains and Lies|Rumors, Bargains and Lies]] === :''[Delenn meets with Neroon to discuss their castes' open war.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Yes, we've disagreed, even fought, but I would rather have someone who opposed me out of an honest belief in the rightness of his cause than someone who is always on my side because it was expected and required. I've questioned your judgment, your wisdom, your temperament, but never your loyalty. :'''Neroon''': Was that a compliment? :'''Delenn''': After a fashion. :'''Neroon''': Then you trust me? :'''Delenn''': After a fashion. : . . . :''[later, after two attempts on their lives are foiled]'' :'''Neroon''': Dukhat chose you above all to follow him. Slowly, dimly, I begin to understand why. I do not know what lies ahead of us, Delenn. But I do know that it is right that we are here together. :'''Delenn''': Was that a compliment, Neroon? :'''Neroon''': ''[smiling wryly]'' After a fashion. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan is speaking with the Drazi ambassador about White Star ships on the borders of Centauri and Narn space.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|Sheridan]]''': I can't confirm that. :'''Drazi Ambassador''': But you're not denying it either. :'''Sheridan''': But not denying it doesn't make it true any more than not confirming it makes it false. Are you with me so far? :'''Drazi Ambassador''': I'm not sure. :'''Sheridan''': Ambassador, there are so many things in the universe that are and so many things that aren't. If I were to take the time to deny all the things that aren't, we'd be here for centuries, wouldn't we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Ivanova has been told to "plant" a story on the Voice of the Resistance.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': First, one brief announcement. I just wanted to mention, for those who have asked, that ''absolutely nothing whatsoever'' happened today in sector 83-by-9-by-12. I repeat, nothing happened. Please remain calm.{{hnote|This is a tongue-in-cheek reference to other instances of making a big deal on the news of "nothing happening" in the world, such as on April 18, 1930, when the BBC said there was no news to report and so played piano music for the rest of the programme. The quote has been misattributed to King George III's supposed diary entry on July 4, 1776, which said "Nothing important happened today," even though it was the day America declared independence.}} === [[w:Moments of Transition|Moments of Transition]] === :'''Security Guard''': Mind your own business. :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': "Humanity is my business." :''[the guard stares at him in confusion]'' :'''Bester''': Marley to Scrooge. [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]]. ''[[A Christmas Carol]]''? :''[the guard keeps staring]'' :'''Bester''': Well, it's good to see they're continuing the fine tradition of hiring from the shallow end of the gene pool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': Well, there is just no delicate way to say this. ''[beat]'' I want your body. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': WHAT?! Are you out of your mind?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester works on Lyta's feelings of being ignored by the B5 staff.]'' :'''Bester''': I mean, being a freedom fighter, a…a force for good, it's…it's a ''wonderful'' thing. You get to make your own hours, looks good on a resume, but the pay…''sucks''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[his dying words as the Starfire Wheel consumes him]'' :'''Neroon''': I was born Warrior Caste! But I see now, the calling of my heart is RELIGIOUS! The war is over! Listen to her! LISTEN! <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines: Sheridan and Ivanova have viewed video of Earthforce ships destroying civilian transports carrying refugees from rebel planets]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': This madness has gone on long enough. I don't care if we're not ready. I don't care if we're outnumbered and outgunned. I don't care what ISN says about us. This stops, and it stops now! Now if Earth wants to declare war on us, then it is time we took that war to Clark. You tell the others. Starting ''right now'', we fight back and we fight back hard! :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I thought you were looking for some other way than firing at our own ships. [[w:Superior orders|They were following orders]]. :'''Sheridan''': Any crew that executes an order like that is guilty of war crimes, and they deserve whatever they get. No, we're riding in, Susan. Anybody who wants to defect and join us? Fine. If they get in our way, we will knock them down. If they kill one of our ships, we'll kill three of theirs. And we keep going. We never slow down, and we won't stop. We're going after the colonies, then Mars, then Earth…and God help anybody who gets in our way. === [[w:No Surrender, No Retreat|No Surrender, No Retreat]] === :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Captain's personal log, September 2nd, 2261. ''Enough is enough''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vir is surprised at Garibaldi's disapproval of Sheridan's crusade against EarthGov.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I don't always like the way ''Londo'' does things, and…well, me and most civilized worlds, but…you know, sometimes he's ''right''. So I force myself to give him the benefit of the doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova issues careful orders to B5 fighters for avoiding order-spoofing from EarthGov.]'' :'''David Corwin''': So from now on, I guess the operational phrase is "trust no one". :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': No. Trust Ivanova, trust yourself. Anybody else, shoot 'em! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Proxima 3, Marcus notes the approach of half the blockading destroyers.]'' :'''John Sheridan''': The hostiles might be splitting up so they can be with both groups, to keep them in line. :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Unless they're ''all'' hostile, and some are just more hostile than others. :'''Sheridan''': Thank you for the ray of sunshine, Marcus. Next time I feel the need to be depressed, I'll remember to give you a call. === [[w:The Exercise of Vital Powers|The Exercise of Vital Powers]] === :''[Monitored by a telepath, Garibaldi tells Edgars of his suspicions about his employment.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Everybody lies. :'''William Edgars''': That's a very ''sad'' view of the universe, Mr. Garibaldi. :'''Garibaldi''': Yeah, well, it's the only one I got. And it works for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edgars''': Do you know how the ancient Greeks defined happiness? :'''Garibaldi''': Not off-hand, but I'd be willing to bet it involved three goats and a jug of wine. :'''Edgars''': "Happiness", they said, was "the exercise of vital powers along lines of excellence, in a life affording them scope". === [[w:The Face of the Enemy|The Face of the Enemy]] === :'''William Edgars''': The truth will be revealed in a couple of days. How many people can say that? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I don't know. But I think [[w: Judas Iscariot|the last guy]] got thirty pieces of silver for the same job. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Somewhere on Beta Colony there is an institution. In one room of the institution there is a man who spends his days and nights screaming at things that only he can see. Things ''we'' planted in his mind. They have to keep him in a straitjacket 24 hours a day or he'll claw his own eyes out just to make it stop. When it was over I transferred over to commercial work. I wanted out. The Corps took me in when I was just a few years old. They taught me what a telepath was, what we could do. Until that time I'd never been afraid of who we were. Until that day. When we did what we had to do…because no one else would. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': What's going on? You all look like a Pak'ma'ra just ate your cat. === [[w:Intersections in Real Time|Intersections in Real Time]] === :''[Sheridan tries to encourage an imprisoned Drazi.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You just have to say "no, I won't" ''one'' more time than they can say "yes, you will". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The interrogator leaves Sheridan in the room, with a recorded voice repeating over and over.]'' :'''Recording''': You will cooperate with the state, for the good of the state and your own survival. You will confess to the crimes of which you have been accused. You will be released and returned to society a productive citizen if you cooperate. Resistance will be punished. Cooperation will be rewarded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Sheridan''': You know, it's funny, I was thinking about what you said, that the preeminent truth of our age is that you cannot fight the system. But if, as you say, the truth is fluid, that the truth is subjective, then maybe you can fight the system. As long as just one person refuses to be broken, refuses to bow down. :'''Interrogator''': But can you win? :'''John Sheridan''': Every time I say "no." === [[w:Between the Darkness and the Light|Between the Darkness and the Light]] === :''[Threatened by the Mars Resistance, Garibaldi begs Lyta to force her way past his memory blocks.]'' :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Michael, if I do a deep scan, it could ''damage'' you. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': And if you don't, they're gonna kill me. Now, a headache I can get over. I'm not sure I'm gonna get over being dead anytime soon. : . . . :''[after she breaks the blocks and sees Garibaldi's memories]'' :'''Lyta''': It's true. What he told us, it's all true. :'''Number One''': Like that means a damn! How do we know that anything you say is the truth? You could be saying whatever the hell you want– :'''Lyta''': What do YOU know about Hell? Hmm? ''[she turns to face Number One, her eyes completely black]'' Would you like me to show it to you? Mine ''and'' his? :''[she telepathically projects Garibaldi's memories into Number One]'' :'''Number One''': ''[recoils]'' It's true. Damned, it's true! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi tries to use his ISN fame to get past Sheridan's guard.]'' :'''Guard''': ''[in a monotone]'' I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': This is the White Star fleet. Negative on the surrender. We will not stand down. :'''Captain Thomson, Earthforce''': Who is this? Identify yourself! :'''Ivanova''': Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your ''sorry'' ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart! I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ''ever'' going to see. ''God'' sent me. === [[w:Endgame (Babylon 5)|Endgame]] === :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': We've all been through six kinds of hell in the last few years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan's telepath gambit has disabled General Lefcourt's ship, along with the rest of the loyalist fleet.]'' :'''General Lefcourt''': Engineering, this is General Lefcourt. In case you didn't notice, the enemy just pulled our shorts up over our head and tied them into a knot. You will get the ship under control ASAP, or I will come down there and skin the hide off every last one of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan's liberation fleet finally confronts Earth itself.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': This is Captain John Sheridan. We are here on the authority of a multi-planetary force, that can no longer stand by and watch one of their greatest allies falling into darkness and despair. We are here on behalf of the thousands of civilians murdered under orders from the current administration, who have no one else to speak for them, and on behalf of the EarthForce units that have joined us to oppose the tyranny that has darkened Earth, ever since President Santiago was assassinated three years ago. We are here to place President Clark under arrest, to disband Nightwatch, and return ''our'' government to the hands of her people. We know that many in the government have wanted to act, but have been intimidated by threats of retaliation against your families, your friends. You are not alone anymore. We call upon you to rise up and do what's right! We have drawn their forces away from Earth and disabled them. The time to act is now! This is not the voice of treason. ''These'' are ''your'' sons, ''your'' daughters, whose loyalties have ''never'' wavered, whose beliefs in ''this'' alliance has ''[sic]'' forced us to take extraordinary means! For justice, for peace, for the future…''we have come home!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Sheridan''': ''[over radio]'' We need you, Delenn. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[commanding the League's fleet]'' We are there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marcus''': ''[as he's giving up his life energy to save Ivanova]'' I love you… === [[w:Rising Star (Babylon 5)|Rising Star]] === :''[Franklin comforts Ivanova in her grief over Marcus's sacrifice.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': All love is unrequited, Stephen. All of it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Earth President Susanna Luchenko''': Well, Captain, you caused quite a stir. Half of EarthForce wants to give you a kiss on the cheek and the Medal of Honor. The other half wants you taken out and shot. As a politician you learn how to compromise. Which by all right means I should give you the Medal of Honor, ''then'' have you shot. I confess the idea had a certain appeal when I mentioned it to the Joint Chiefs two hours ago. ''[…]'' The bitch of it is that you probably did the right thing. But you did it in the wrong way, in the inconvenient way. Now you have to pay the penalty for that. I know it stinks, but that's the way it is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I find it amazing that you think that threats still mean anything to me. "Do this or you're a dead man." Death! Been there, done that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the reveal that the new Interstellar Alliance has selected him as their first President]'' :'''Sheridan''': Funny thing about retiring. You no sooner pick out the places you want to go on vacation then someone comes at you with another job offer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo and G'Kar watch the ISN report on the new Alliance]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': So, how does it feel to make history, hmm? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': You do not make history. You can only hope to survive it. :'''Londo''': G'Kar, you are a depressing person. :'''G'Kar''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': It was the end of the Earth year 2261, and it was the dawn of a new age…for all of us. It was end of one chapter, and the beginning of another. The next twenty years would see great changes, great joy, and great sorrow. The Telepath War, and the Drakh War. The new Alliance would waver, and crack…but in the end, it would hold. Because what is built endures, and what is loved endures…and Babylon 5…Babylon 5 endures. === [[w:The Deconstruction of Falling Stars|The Deconstruction of Falling Stars]] === :''[Londo and G'Kar's arrive on Babylon 5 during a celebration.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': So Doctor…who died? :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': ''[confused]'' What are you talking about? :'''Londo''': Among my people this is how we celebrate state funerals. Our marriage ceremonies are solemn, sober. Moments of reflection…also regret, disagreement, argument and mutual recrimination. Once you know it can't get any worse you can sit back and enjoy the marriage. But to start with something like this? No, it is a very bad sign for the future. :''[Franklin and Garabaldi walk off.]'' :'''Londo''': Perhaps it is something I said? :'''G'Kar''': Perhaps it is everything you say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[500 years later, during a holographic simulation]'' :'''Delenn''': What we are isn't a matter of flesh, it's a matter of will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': This little lab of yours...this isn't by any chance located on a military base, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[1000 years later, in a future primitive Earth, Brother Alwyn advises the doubting Brother Michael.]'' :'''Brother Alwyn''': Faith sustains us in the hour when reason tells us that we cannot continue, that the whole of our lives is without meaning. :'''Brother Michael''': Then why were we born able to reason, if reason's useless? :'''Brother Alwyn''': Not ''useless''. But it's also not enough. Faith and reason are the shoes on your feet! You can travel further with both than you can with just one. If you must have reason for an answer, then consider this. If today the Rangers came back to Earth from their place in the heavens, you would not know about it. They would come in secret and move around us and help us and we wouldn’t even know that they were here, because the secret that they bring is feared by people who still blame science for the Great Burn. :'''Brother Michael''': Then you think the Rangers are here today? :'''Brother Alwyn''': Yes, I believe they could be. That is all that faith requires: that we surrender ourselves to the possibility of hope. With that, I am content. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The man from 1 million years hence prepares to leave the doomed Earth to the imminent Solar nova.]'' :'''Exeter''': This is how the world ends, swallowed in fire, but not in darkness. You will live on. The voice of all our ancestors, the voice of our fathers and our mothers to the last generation. We created the world we think you would've wished for us. And now we leave the cradle for the last time.{{hnote|Paraphrased from Russian physicist Konstantin Tsiolkovsky: 'The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but one cannot remain in the cradle forever.'}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''John Sheridan''': …and I was wondering if they will remember us in hundred years from now or a thousand. And I figure probably not. :'''Delenn''': But it does not matter. We did what we did because it was right and not to be remembered. And history will attend to itself. It always does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[shown before the credits]'' :Dedicated to all the people who predicted that the Babylon Project would fail in its mission. Faith manages. == Season 5: The Wheel of Fire == === [[w:No Compromises|No Compromises]] === :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': As long as you're running an efficient operation and aren't looking for trouble, you are doing just fine. :'''David Corwin''': That's what I'm trying to tell you. Around here we don't have to go looking for trouble. On B5, trouble comes looking for us. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': On my world, we have learned that an inauguration is simply a signal to assassins that a new target has been set up on the firing range. <hr width="50%" /> :''[A second attempt on Sheridan's life has been foiled.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Do you want to be President? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Yes. :'''G'Kar''': Put your hand on the book and say "I do." :'''Sheridan''': I do. :'''G'Kar''': Good. Done. Let's eat. === [[w:The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari|The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari]] === :''[Londo's Brivari has been impounded for health and safety reasons, and he is berating Zack Allan.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Do you know what this is? No, I can see you do not. You have that vacant look in your eyes that says, "Hold my head to your ear; you will hear the sea." This is bravari, very old bravari, very expensive bravari. You understand bravari, hmm? :... :''[Vir takes Zack away to talk privately with him after Londo becomes irate.]'' :'''Londo''': Here, Take my shoe! It will be as useful to you as ''he'' is! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Lennier and Vir meet in the Zocalo for what might be the last time.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': You couldn't sleep either. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': No. I heard about your… situation. :'''Vir Cotto''': I heard about yours. As Mr. Garibaldi would say, it's been one hell of a day. :'''Lennier''': Yes, a hell of a day. :'''Vir Cotto''': And a hell of a year. :'''Lennier''': A hell of a 5 years. :'''Vir Cotto''': A hell of a ''life''. :'''Lennier''': ''[smiles]'' …you win. :''[He looks at the drink in Vir's hands]'' :'''Lennier''': What kind of drink is that? :'''Vir Cotto''': I'm not sure. The bartender called it a "Shirley Temple." :'''Lennier''': Interesting. I've studied many Earth religions and I don't think I've ever heard of that particular temple. :'''Vir''': Me neither. But, it's real good. :'''Lennier''': Well then. I shall make a point to visit it on my next trip to Earth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo is having a vision about his life, for part of which he is sitting at a bar]'' :'''Londo''': All of the bottles here are empty? The metaphor's getting a bit thick, don't you think? <hr width="50%" /> :''[Londo sees Vir in his vision, discussing his dream of dying sixteen years in the future.]'' :'''Londo''': The dream is prophecy. :'''Vir''': Prophecy is a guess that comes true. When it doesn't, it's a metaphor. You could put a gun to your head tomorrow and pull the trigger, and then the dream is ''just'' a dream, and the prophecy is ''just'' a metaphor, and so are you. You're out of time, Londo. Turn around. === [[w:The Paragon of Animals|The Paragon of Animals]] === :''[Both read aloud from the opening of the Alliance's Declaration of Principles, written by G'Kar.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': The Universe speaks in many languages but only one voice. A language which is not Narn or Human or Centauri or Gaim or Minbari. It speaks in the language of hope. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It speaks in the language of trust. It speaks in the language of strength and the language of compassion. It is the language of the heart and of the language of the soul; but always it is the same voice; it is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us, and the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born; it is the small still voice that says: "We are one." No matter the blood, no matter the skin, no matter the world, no matter the star. We are one. No matter the pain, no matter the darkness, no matter the loss, no matter the fear. We are one. Here, gathered together in common cause we agree to recognize this singular truth and this singular rule: that we must be kind to one another. :'''Sheridan''': Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us, and each voice lost diminishes us. We are the voice of the universe, the soul of creation, the fire that will light the way to a better future. We are one. :'''G'Kar''': ''We'' are ''one''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Byron''': That's why we're here. Because we're tired of being ordered around by those who cannot hear the song. Tired of being used as cannon fodder, as inquisitors, as executioners, and as bloodhounds. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': They forget we're human beings, too. :'''Byron''': No, not human beings. Better. That's why they're afraid of us. It's all ego, you know. "What a piece of work is man. How noble in reason. How infinite in faculties. In form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an angel. In apprehension how like a god. The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals." The paragon of animals. 6,000 years of brutality, murder and slavery. An animal does not do this to its own kind, but they do it to each other. And they would do it to ''us!'' Unless we stop them. Unless we find a way to help each other. Unless we care for one another. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After getting the members of the Alliance to sign the Declaration of Principles, Sheridan and Delenn sit in the conference room, admiring the table full of signed scrolls. G'Kar bursts in.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Ah, Mr. President. ''[sees the documents]'' Oh, good, good, good. I was looking for these. ''[begins gathering them up and shoving them in his bag]'' :'''Sheridan''': What are you doing? :'''G'Kar''': Well, we need to get everyone to sign them again! :'''Sheridan''': What? ''[stands, flabbergasted]'' We… Do you understand what we went through to get them signed even once? :'''G'Kar''': I revised it again. It's better. :'''Sheridan''': G'Kar! :'''G'Kar''': But look. :''[He offers another scroll to Sheridan, who snatches it angrily out of his hands. He and Delenn start to read. His anger fades, replaced by awe.]'' :'''Sheridan''': ''[surprised]'' It's better. :''[Having gathered the old, signed copies, G'Kar retakes the new version from Sheridan, snatching it from his grasp. He dashes out of the council chamber, leaving a stunned Sheridan and Delenn in his wake.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Some days, it's like living in a madhouse. === [[w:A View from the Gallery|A View from the Gallery]] === :'''Mack''': Tastes like chicken! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': What if the station falls? :'''[[w:Sheridan|Sheridan]]''': Then, as you said to me once, "I'll see you again in the place where no shadows fall." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack:''' (sees Bo cross himself) When did you get religious? :'''Bo:''' I'm not, just respect, that's all. Every time we get a red star born out there, somebody's life ends. :'''Bo:''' Sure looks pretty (referring to a White Star) :'''Mack:''' You think? :'''Bo:''' Hell yeah, what do you think? :'''Mack:''' Me? I always thought they looked like plucked chickens. Hey, it's not my fault they were designed that way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Byron (Babylon 5)|Byron]]''' (looking at an alien helmet) [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Hamlet#Act_V A fellow of infinite jest... I knew him Horatio.] :'''Mack:''' It's Mack, actually. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Byron:''' At the moment of death there is a passing of energy, an explosion of consciousness. It permeates everything in close proximity... your clothes, jewelry... anything. We can still feel him - what he was, what he did, his hopes, and fears, and expectations. It's still there for a minutes, then it will disappear... joining him in silence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''' What, are you afraid I won't come back G'Kar? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''' No, afraid you will. :'''Mack:''' (to Bo) So... how long you figure they been married? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack:''' Hey, did you see that smile? I mean it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. :'''Bo:''' I did indeed. Suddenly, I think I understand Sheridan a lot better. :'''Mack:''' How do you mean? :'''Bo:''' Well, dead or alive, I'd climb my way out of hell and through ten miles of solid rock to see that smile again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after their last encounter with Delenn]'' :'''Mack''': Bo? :'''Bo''': Yeah? :'''Mack''': She remembered my name. :'''Bo''': ''Our'' names. :'''Mack''': I think I'm in love. :'''Bo''': She's married. :'''Mack''': Eh. We can work something out. === [[w:Learning Curve (Babylon 5)|Learning Curve]] === :''[Sech Durhan asks fellow Ranger trainer Sech Turval to join him on a trip to Babylon 5.]'' :'''Durhan''': ''[good-natured]'' You are a source of constant annoyance to me, Turval, but only because you're right more often than you're wrong. And why should I keep this ''joy'' to myself? I choose to share you with the universe! ''[deadpan]'' Valen help them all. <hr width=50%/> :''[Sech Turval comforts Ranger trainee Rastenn, who abandoned his fellow trainee to fight an enemy alone in a moment off uncharacteristic fear.]'' :'''Turval''': We create the meaning in our lives. It does not exist independently. Being ''Anla-shok'' [Ranger] does not mean worrying about what others will think about us. It does not mean deciding what to do based upon whether or not it serves our sense of ego or destiny. It means living each moment as if it were your last one. It means doing each right thing because it is the right thing. The scale doesn't matter. The where, the when, the how, or in what cause… none of those things matter. In my life, I've discovered very few truths. Here is the greatest truth I know: Your death, Rastenn, will have a meaning if it comes while you're in fullest pursuit of your heart. <hr width=50%/> :''[after a Ranger trainee has been attacked, his teacher declares ''Mora'dum''—the application of terror]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Captain, this is not about revenge. :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh? Then what is this about? :'''Delenn''': Terror. : . . . :'''Lochley''': So, what kind of terror are we talking about here, Delenn? :'''Delenn''': The kind that cripples…the kind that destroys. Not from without, but from within. As soon as he can stand, whether he is fully healed or not, Tannier will prepare to face his terror. Those who harmed him now have power over him. He must take back that power or he will never be whole again. We will go with him, and bring him to the point of his terror. And then, he will face it. :'''Lochley''': But if he isn't fully healed, he could die in the effort. :'''Delenn''': As Anla'shok, we choose to do that which frightens us, knowing that there are no guarantees. He may lose; we cannot help him. :'''Lochley''': Then he will stand alone. :'''Delenn''': At the end, Captain, we all stand alone. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Ranger trainees encircle Tannier and the human who attacked him, watching the ''Mora'dum'' play out, but not interfering.]'' :'''Sech Turval''': Attend, students, this is a classic archetype in action. The strong man—or 'bully', as the humans call it—essentially a coward whose only skill is convincing others to do what he's afraid to do himself. :'''Sech Durhan''': Notice the lack of technique, no follow through. Another flaw in this particular personality type…all muscle, no brain. === [[w:Strange Relations (Babylon 5)|Strange Relations]] === :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I'm caught in a web of my own good intentions. :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': Well, the road to hell is paved with them, sir. :'''Sheridan''': I know. But why does it have to go through this office? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta demonstrates her telekinesis by "slapping" two of Bester's Psi Cops]'' :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Not bad. Tell me, is that really telekinesis, or are you just pushing the nerve endings, making them feel as if they've been slapped? Either way, it's taken a lot out of you, Lyta. You're sweating, flushed. How many times can you do that, Lyta? Can you do just one at a time? Maybe two? How about three? How about a half dozen of us? :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': I don't know. Like you said, I'm new at this. I could even make a mistake. Maybe even pop a blood vessel in someone's head by accident by pushing too hard. Feel like playing the odds, Mr. Bester? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lochley''': What the hell is your problem? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': For starters, I don't know you, therefore I don't trust you. :'''Lochley''': The world's full of people you don't know. :'''Garibaldi''': I worry about that all the time. :'''Lochley''': Tough. Get over it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after realizing Garibaldi has accessed her personnel file, Lochley storms out of her office]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Where you going? :'''Lochley''': To ''pound'' someone, Mr. Allan. You win. I just decided if you can't join 'em, beat 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar and Delenn are discussing how he can best help the Alliance. They turn to the topic of Londo's return to Centauri Prime.]'' :'''G'Kar''': He should have a bodyguard assigned to him at all times while he is there. Someone we can rely on, someone, uh… someone we can trust. Someone strong… strong enough to… :''[He looks down to see Delenn eyeing him, excitedly.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Oh, no… :... :'''Delenn''': The Alliance is about learning to overcome our distrust and form a new community. Can you think of a better symbol? :'''G'Kar''': No, and I'm trying. ''Believe'' me. :... :'''Delenn''': You would naturally have to accompany him on all state business and be there to guard him. In the palace. In the Royal Court. :'''G'Kar''': ''[brightens]'' A Narn in the Centauri Royal Court? ''[laughs]'' It is a curiously satisfying image, Delenn! :... :''[Later, Delenn meets with Londo Mollari just before he and G'Kar leave.]'' :'''Londo Mollari''': ''[worried]'' ''G'Kar''? You've assigned ''G'Kar'' as my bodyguard? :'''Delenn''': Yes. I think your generosity in working with him will be an excellent symbol of unity for all the other races who could join the Alliance. :'''Londo''': A symbol… :'''Delenn''': Yes. :'''Londo''': And you tried this line on G'Kar? :'''Delenn''': I did. :'''Londo''': And did it work? :'''Delenn''': Completely. :'''Londo''': ''[swears]'' Great Maker! === [[w:Secrets of the Soul|Secrets of the Soul]] === :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Byron, the Vorlons changed me. More than you could possibly know. I don't know what it'll do once you get past my barriers and I get past yours. It could burn you. :'''Byron''': Then let it burn. :''[After they make love, Lyta's barriers go down, and they both witness the full measure of what the Vorlons did: not only to her, but to all telepaths. They meet with the rest of Byron's people.]'' :'''Byron''': It was the Vorlons. :'''Lyta''': Yes. :'''Byron''': They created telepaths on a hundred worlds. Interfered with their genetic development. Took people from their homeworlds and adjusted them over the course of the centuries. :'''Lyta''': Yes. :'''Byron''': Because they needed telepaths in their war against the Shadows. Needed us as cannon fodder. :'''Lyta''': Yes. :'''Byron''': We would be normal. We would have ''lives''. We would be able to walk and live and work among normals without fear of persecution if the Vorlons had not interfered with our normal development. We were made for their benefit, to save them. We were told that our abilities were our gift and our curse, and that we were somehow responsible for it. But we're not. We're not. === [[w:Day of the Dead (Babylon 5)|Day of the Dead]] === :''[Rebo enters the customs waiting area and places his duffel bag on the counter.]'' :'''Customs Guard''': Anything to declare? :'''Rebo''': ''[brightly]'' I have nothing to declare, my dear man, except my genius! :''[He unzips the bag, and Zooty unfolds from inside.]'' :'''Zooty''': ''[through his machine]'' And I have nothing to declare but Rebo's genius either! Zooty-zoot, zoot, zoot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo talks to a portrait of the first Centauri emperor.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': So. When ''you'' were emperor, it ''meant'' something. Subduer of the Xon and the Shoggren. Now–pffft–''anyone'' can be emperor. ''I'' can be emperor. ''Vir'' can be emperor. If Vir can be emperor…a small Earth cat can be emperor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Brakiri Day of the Dead has begun, and part of the station is…''off-limits''.]'' :'''Lt. David Corwin''': There seems to be a slight problem, sir. It's kind of hard to explain. We seem to be missing a piece of the station. We can't reach it. We can't communicate with it. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': That piece is almost a square mile across. You can't just lose something that big. :'''Lt. Corwin''': I agree, but it's still missing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lennier is visited by Morden.]'' :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': I came for wisdom. :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': You don't come to the dead for wisdom, Lennier. My head was cut from my body. Even now, it rots on a pole outside the Imperial Palace. Birds have taken the hair for their nests. Maggots ate my flesh. And you want ''wisdom?'' :'''Lennier''': Yes, I do. : . . . :'''Lennier''': Why did you help me? I know what kind of a man you were. :'''Morden''': Give a dog a bad name, and you can hang him with it. You shouldn't listen to everything Sheridan tells you. Actually, I'm surprised he's not here tonight, since he died at Z'ha'dum. Is there any coffee here or not? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi is visited by Dodger.]'' :'''Dodger''': It's some guy's fantasy. A love-hungry red-head who will disappear in the morning never to be seen again! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I'm sorry Dodger, what were you saying? :'''Dodger''': ''[frustrated]'' It's a good thing I'm only here another hour or so, cupcake. Two weeks of this, I'd kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Delenn greet Rebo and Zooty in their quarters, where they have all gathered for dinner. As Delenn and Zooty walk off, Sheridan leans in to talk to Rebo.]'' :'''Sheridan''': You know, I was really hoping to talk to Zooty. You know, without the machine. :'''Rebo''': Yeah. He never breaks character, not even around me. In ten years, I've only heard him say one word without the machine. :'''Sheridan''': Oh. Oh. What's the word? :'''Rebo''': ''Why''. :'''Sheridan''': Oh, just curious. :'''Rebo''': No, no. That was the word. "''Why''". In ten years, I haven't figured it out myself. :... :''[Later, in the Zocalo, Zooty gestures for Sheridan to lean close. He takes off his hat, puts it over the machine hanging from his pocket, and whispers conspiratorially to Sheridan. Sheridan's eyes go wide, and Zooty nods in confirmation. He dons his hat and walks off. G'Kar runs up to him.]'' :'''G'Kar''': What did he say?! :'''Sheridan''': ''[astonished]'' "Because it ''tells'' me to…" === [[w:In the Kingdom of the Blind|In the Kingdom of the Blind]] === :'''Minister Vatelli:''' (referring to G'Kar) And I see you brought your own entertainment with you! An excellent idea... and quite brave of you to let him so close without keeping him in chains. Perhaps we should change that. Just a few chains to make the others more comfortable before we put him in a cell. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': He is my bodyguard. :'''Vatelli:''' Well, it's good to know that his excellency's sense of humor is intact after such a long voyage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Regent Virini''': You do understand, Jano, that if it were my decision, that I would never let anyone harm you, I would never let anyone hurt you. If it were my decision. But it's not my decision, you see. ''[Jano is killed by the Drakh]'' Not my decision at all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[on Centauri Prime, Minister Vole brings forth the guard who nearly whipped G'Kar to death a year before and offers the Narn a chance at retaliation]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Tell me, Minister. If I were to strike you, which would you be angry at? The hand that struck you, or the heart that commanded it? :'''Minister Vole''': Well, the heart, of course. :'''G'Kar''': The hand has no choice but to do as it is told. It is the heart that carries the burden. And that heart is dead in both of us, Minister. It died with Cartagia, and it died in me soon after. Besides, everyone knows that the true source of pain is neither the hand nor the heart. It is the mouth., is it not, Minister? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Byron essentially blackmails the Alliance council]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Never, ever, ''ever'' trust a telepath. I swear to you, I'm gonna have that tattooed inside my eyelids. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': But they did it in the wrong way, the inconvenient way. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I seem to recall the Earth president saying the same thing to you, after your civil war. ''[she leaves]'' :'''Sheridan''': I hate that she has a memory, don't you? :'''Garibaldi''': Damned inconvenient! <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': It's bad luck to die on an empty stomach. === [[w:A Tragedy of Telepaths|A Tragedy of Telepaths]] === :''<nowiki>[</nowiki>[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]] and [[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]] are discussing the inexplicable rise in Centauri military spending.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Well, with everyone now on the same side, perhaps you're planning to invade yourselves for a change. I find the idea curiously appealing. Once you've finished killing each other, we can plow under all the buildings and plant rows of flowers that spell out the words "too annoying to live" in letters big enough to be seen from space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo muses about the task of breaking Na'Toth out of her cell.]'' :'''Londo''': We have to do it without killing a guard, without raising any alarms, and without anyone noticing that she is gone. For my next trick, I shall fly around the room under my own power. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Why is it that we always break up our history by the wars, not the years of peace? The Hundred Years War, the War of 1812, the first three world wars, the Dilgar War, the War of the Shining Star, the Minbari War, the Shadow War—why the war and not the peace? Because it's exciting. And because on some level people like to see something big fall apart and explode from the inside out. And right now, John, ''we're'' that something. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Bester]]''': My people are in there. And several others just tried to kill me, but then, what family doesn't have its difficulties? <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Drazi|Drazi]] Ambassador''': Every great fall begins with a single mistake. === [[w:Phoenix Rising|Phoenix Rising]] === :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Bester]]''': Every race to develop telepaths has had to find some way to control them, through laws, religion, drugs, or extermination. We may not be pretty, but we're a hell of a lot better than the alternatives. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': You can't change human nature, Byron. :'''Byron''': Then there's not much point in living, is there? If you can't hope for something better, something nobler, at least something kinder? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Byron reveals his past to Lyta.]'' :'''Byron''': I'm a strong P-12. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': But all P-12s are automatically designated Psi Cops. You were a Psi Cop? :'''Byron''': Not just a Psi Cop. Bester's protege. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Byron''': We are no longer who we were. We are what we have become. What ''you'' made us! === [[w:The Ragged Edge|The Ragged Edge]] === :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Who knew that the presidency was 50% panic and 50% paperwork? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Sheridan''': Can you stall ''[the Alliance council]'' a bit? :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Not a problem. I'll tell them we're declaring war on Earth. That'll give them something positive to think about. :'''Sheridan''': ''[distracted]'' Good. Good. Give me the paperwork and I'll sign it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': He ''[a Narn]'' seems very glad to see you. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Yes, but we weren't gone that long. Less than a month. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Well, there you have the key to your popularity: your absence. Go away for a month and they bow. Go away for six months and they'll tear the place apart when you come back. Perhaps you should go away and never come back again. Then your popularity will be so overwhelming it would blacken the stars. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Mollari– :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': I have always said this about you: nothing so improves your company like the lack of it. ... Perhaps you can make some money from this: ten credits for you not to be there for an hour, a hundred credits for you not to be there for the day. And for you not to be there for the rest of your life, well, they could never afford it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''G'Kar''': Where is my book? It is my only copy! :'''Ta'Lon''': Yes, that is precisely the point. The Kha'Ri felt that if anything happened to you ''[on Centauri Prime]'' the book of G'Kar would never see the light of day, so we "liberated" it ''[from G'Kar's quarters]''. :'''G'Kar''': Liberated it? :'''Ta'Lon''': We took it home. Those that read it were very moved by it and they made some copies. :'''G'Kar''': ''[aghast]'' Copies?! :'''Ta'Lon''': Just a few…for their friends. A few more…later a few more copies. :'''G'Kar''': ''How many?!'' :'''Ta'Lon''': That's hard to say, exactly. There was some confusion when it went to the printers. :'''G'Kar''': Printers?! I've only been gone for a month, Ta'Lon, there can't be that many copies floating around this quickly. How many? :'''Ta'Lon''': Five or six…hundred…thousand. :'''G'Kar''': ''What?!'' :'''Ta'Lon''': I've been told that it will out-sell the book of G'Quan. ''[G'Kar stares at him in shock]'' Congratulations, citizen G'Kar. You are now a religious icon. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Garibaldi and Tafiq are discussing [[w:Drazi|Drazi]] cities]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': What's with the streets? They're so narrow, you can hardly get by. :'''Tafiq''': Tradition. Goes back centuries. To prevent invaders from taking their city, they built their streets too narrow for armies or engines of war. When you have to go by two or three at a time, you are most vulnerable. :'''Michael Garibaldi''': See, now you can fly over and drop these things called "bombs". <hr width="50%" /> :'''G'Kar''': All my life, I have been responsible only for myself. When I risk, I risked alone to avoid making others pay the price for my mistakes. They want me to show them another way. What if I show them the wrong way? What if they come to me not because of the lesson, but because of the teacher? I worry, Ta'Lon, that my shadow may become greater than the message. :'''Ta'Lon''': If that happens, I give you my word that I will personally kill you. :'''G'Kar''': And this is supposed to put my mind at ease? === [[w:The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father|The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father]] === :'''Psi Cop Lauren Ashley''': We don't often see a sense of humor in Psi Cops. :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Reports of our depression are vastly exaggerated. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zack greets Bester in pretty much the same fashion as his predecessor.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Don't you ever go away? Haven't you caused enough trouble for one lifetime? :'''Bester''': It's a pleasure to see you too, Mr. Allan. Where can I find Captain Lochley? I should check in with her. :'''Zack''': She's busy, you can check in with me. Card. ''[Bester hands over his identicard.]'' So what is it this time, Mr. Bester? Hunting out freedom fighters? Pulling wings off flies? Annexing the Sudetenland? <hr width="50%" /> :''[Zack implies Bester had something to do with a dead body being dead.]'' :'''Bester''': He was dead before we got here. :'''Zack''': ''[to Bester]'' Yeah, they told me. But I never let the facts get in the way of a good grudge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bartender in Downbelow''': I've seen all kinds, kid. Seen an alien come through here last week with eight compound eyes and a glass stomach. Two fingers of gin, he's down. Completely unconscious for two full hours, and he wants to do it again. I've seen a naked Pak'ma'ra once. You know that hump on their back? It's not a hump at all, it's a… <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bester''': Of all the things in life I could drown in–love, music, the eyes of another–crocodile tears are the least appealing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bester''': Oh, come on, doctor, we have a history here. Tell the truth. You don't want me here a second more than I want to be here. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Personally, no. But as a doctor I have to treat all of my patients equally. Even the annoying, self-righteous ones with self-important delusions of godhood. :'''Bester''': Thank you. I feel far more at home now. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bester''' ''[to Franklin]'': You're an optimist. Thank you. I had almost forgotten what one of your kind looked like. === [[w:Meditations on the Abyss|Meditations on the Abyss]] === :''[Lennier is concerned he has offended Captain Montoya with his curiosity.]'' :'''Findell''': No, the captain does not believe in indiscreet questions. He believes the only way to get pertinent information is to ask impertinent questions. <hr width="50%" /><span id="impertinent-questions"></span> :''[G'Kar meets with his acolytes.]'' :'''Narn Acolyte''': What is truth, and what is God? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume that the light on the wall is God. But the light is not the goal of the search; it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it! Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God, is the byproduct of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe. God looks astonishingly like we do! Or we turn to look at our shadow, and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose; which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty… and in all its flaws. And in so doing better understand the world around us. :'''Acolyte''': Ah, yes, but what is truth, and what is God? :'''G'Kar''': ''[sighs]'' Truth is… a river. :''[The acolytes remark in awe.]'' :'''Acolyte''': And what is God? :'''G'Kar''': God is… ''[thinks]'' the mouth of the river. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Captain Montoya''': To be Anla'Shok means understanding that there is nothing to fear in death except the failure to complete our assigned mission. Death is not the enemy. Death simply is. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Vir walks into Londo's quarters]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Something I can do for you, Vir? :''[Vir walks past Londo and grabs a sword off of the wall without slowing down]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': No, I just need to borrow this for a minute. I'll be right back. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Vir is attacking a Drazi merchant/spy in public]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': What happened to Vir? :'''Londo''': I promoted him. Now, ''now'' he is ready to be the ambassador for the Centauri. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Zack relates the incident with Vir in the Zocalo to Sheridan, Franklin, and Delenn, all laughing]'' :'''Franklin''': And Londo? :'''Zack''': Oh, he was just standing there, watching as Vir tore the place apart! ''[more laughter; Zack puts on self-important tone]'' "Today he is a man!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very drunk Garibaldi stumbles into his quarters.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Sh…Show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I had a little…oh, that's a big drink…about an hour ago and it went right to my head. ''[pauses]'' What did I do…with that link? You here, Linky, Linky, Linky? Here, Linky? ''[finds his link]'' Oh, the missing link! === [[w:Darkness Ascending|Darkness Ascending]] === :''[After Lise confronts Garibaldi about his drinking.]'' :'''Lise''': I'm sorry. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I don't ''want'' you to be sorry. I don't need your pity. I don't need anybody's pity. All I know is that I'm tired of being controlled. Controlled by others, by fear, by my past, by what everybody else expects of me and it's enough. '''Enough.''' And this? ''[points at the bottle]'' This is my own private little act of rebellion, yeah. I may not be able to control what other people do to me, but I can at least be in control what I do to myself. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Now, it is absolutely inappropriate of you to pull a stunt like that without telling me. I can not have you making— :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[interrupting]'' You are right. :'''Sheridan''': I—''[pauses]'' Oh, damn it Delenn, I have been working up a good mad all day and I am not about to let you undercut it by agreeing with me! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Garibaldi''': Barring an act of God—and since I don't believe in God, that kind of narrows the odds a bit—by this time tomorrow, we're gonna be at war with the Centauri. === [[w:And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder|And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder]] === :'''Centauri Minister''': Is that why you brought ''it'' [G'Kar] along? :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': No, he is still here as my bodyguard, that's all. Where I go, he goes. :'''Centauri Minister''': My condolences. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Thank you. It's a burden, but I've come to accept it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Centauri Minister''': I'm sure you would like to freshen up. ''Both'' of you. :'''G'Kar''': It's a natural musk. I rather enjoy it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': Careful minister, we don't want my companion to get the wrong idea. We don't normally treat our guests so badly. :'''G'Kar''': Yes you do. :'''Londo''': Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Centauri official comes to arrest G'Kar]'' :'''Londo''': Where he goes, I go. :'''Londo''' ''[to G'Kar]'': Don't worry. Even one as arrogant as this would not take it upon himself to imprison his own prime minister. :''[Cut to the next scene, Londo and G'Kar are in a prison cell]'' :'''Londo''': ''[to G'Kar]'': Shut up. :'''G'Kar''': I didn't say anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn meditates in front of a candle, praying in light of the soon-to-be war. Sheridan comes out of their bedroom and sits with her.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': What does the candle represent? :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Life. :'''Sheridan''': Whose life? :'''Delenn''': All life. Every life. We are all born as molecules in the hearts of a billion stars. Molecules that do not understand politics or policies or differences. Over a billion years, we foolish molecules forget who we are and where we came from. In desperate acts of ego, we give ourselves names, fight over lines on maps, and pretend that our light is better than everyone else's. The flame reminds us of the piece of those stars that live inside us. A spark that tells us: you should know better. The flame also reminds us that life is precious, as each flame is unique. When it goes out, it's gone forever, and there will never be another quite like it. So many candles will go out tonight. I wonder some days if we can see anything at all. === [[w:Movements of Fire and Shadow|Movements of Fire and Shadow]] === :''[After G'Kar has been imprisoned and Londo went with him as a matter of honor.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': I still think you should leave, Mollari. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': No. I said where you go, I go. It's become a matter of principle. :'''G'Kar''': You picked a terrible moment in your social evolution to develop principles. Perhaps you can start with something simpler. The moral equivalent of the opposable thumb, for instance. === [[w:The Fall of Centauri Prime|The Fall of Centauri Prime]] === :'''Regent Virini''': They say: the Shadows were our masters. We served them, believed in them, loved them. Then they went away and left us behind to escape on our own. But without our masters… who are we? In the end… what are we but… :'''Shiv'kala''': A shadow… of a shadow. An echo… of what was. Our home, Z'ha'dum, destroyed. We… wandered. Then we remembered… this place. We remembered… ''you''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Regent Virini''': I have been many things in my life, Mollari. I have been silly. I have been quiet when I should have spoken. I have been foolish. And I have wasted far too much time. But I am still Centauri, and I am not afraid. :''[the Drakh keeper leaves his body, and he dies in Londo's arms]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Isn't it strange, G'Kar? When we first met I had no power and all the choices I could ever want. And now I have all the power I could ever want and no choices at all. No choice at all. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Mollari. Understand that I can never forgive your people for what they did to my world. My people can never forgive your people. But ''I'' can forgive ''you''. === [[w:Wheel of Fire|Wheel of Fire]] === :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Can God make a rock so big, that even he can't lift it? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Yes, I've heard it, but ... :'''Franklin''': What if that is the wrong question? I wonder if the right question is, can God create a puzzle so difficult, a riddle so complex, that even he can't solve it? What if that's ''us''? Maybe a problem like this is God's way of doing to us a little of what we do to him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lochley and Zack go to the Zocalo to arrest Lyta on suspicion of terrorism. She displays how she has the entire Zocalo under her mental control.]'' :'''Lyta Alexander''': I'm tired of being pushed around, Captain. I do not choose to be arrested. I've done a lot for this place…and just once I think a little gratitude would be in order, don't you? :'''Elizabeth Lochley''': Lyta, don't force us to- :'''Lyta''': To what? :'''Lochley''': ''[gestures to Zack]'' Zack… :''[He doesn't move. He, the deputies, and the rest of the crowd appear to be catatonic.]'' :'''Lochley''': Zack! :'''Lyta''': You cannot harm me. You cannot stop someone who's been touched by Vorlons. :''[A PPG appears and lines up with the side of Lyta's head. Sheridan steps out of the crowd.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You're not the only one that's been touched by the Vorlons. ''[gestures to the crowd]'' Let them go. :''[Lyta stands resolute. Sheridan presses the gun into the side of her head.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Let 'em go or I'll blow the back of your skull off! :''[Lyta relaxes her mental control, and the crowd begins moving again.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin and Sheridan meet to discuss the situation with Lyta.]'' :'''Sheridan''': What could make her turn like this? :'''Franklin''': Well, let's see. She was…adjusted by the Vorlons, dumped by the Vorlons, used as a weapon, quit the Corps, lost the only man she ever loved, and dedicated herself to finishing his work. Pick one or all of the above. Let's face it, she's pissed. :'''Sheridan''': Massively. :... :'''Sheridan''': I tell ya, the ''next'' person who acts irrationally, I swear I'm gonna shoot myself in the head. :''[Delenn bursts into the room in a rage, pacing back and forth while ranting.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': BASTARDS! :'''Franklin''': Did she just…? :'''Sheridan''': She did. :'''Franklin''': I'll get the gun. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi confronts Lyta in her cell.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I need to know, Lyta. Something's happened to your abilities. You're not a P-5 anymore, hell, you're not even a P-''12''. You're the strongest telepath I've ever seen. What did the Vorlons do to you, Lyta? Who…what are you? :'''Lyta''': I've only recently begun to understand it myself. You know the Vorlons used telepaths as weapons during the Shadow War, but what no one stopped to consider was that in a war, you have a certain number of small weapons, a certain number of medium-size weapons, and one or two big ones. The kind of weapons you drop when you're out of small weapons and the medium weapons and you've got nothing left to use. :'''Garibaldi''': Someone like that would be the telepathic equivalent of a thermonuclear device. A doomsday weapon. :''[Lyta turns to face him, smiling, and her eyes start glowing white.]'' :'''Lyta''': Pleased to meet you, Mr. Garibaldi. === [[w:Objects in Motion|Objects in Motion]] === :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': You'll forgive the accommodations. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It's a cell. I've gotten used to them. Frankly, I've done some of my best writing in places like this. In here, you cannot run from yourself. : '''. . .''' :'''Lyta''': It's ironic. You have to leave because everybody wants you. They're fighting over you. And I have to leave because nobody wants me. :'''G'Kar''': And yet, we are the same in many ways. We are all the sum of our tears. Too little and the ground is not fertile, and nothing can grow there. Too much, the best of us is washed away. My rains have come and gone, for now. Yours are just beginning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar comes face to face with one of his more-devout "followers".]'' :'''Narn''': We put you in this position, G'Kar. Our reverence is our gift to you, and you ''are'' responsible to us. You ''owe'' us. Without us… you are nothing. :'''G'Kar''': Then I am nothing. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Number One''': So it really couldn't– :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': No, you're right. It couldn't– :'''Number One''': So there we are. :'''Franklin''': There you go, yeah. :'''Franklin''': You know, I do have about an hour before my next shift starts, in case you wanted to…celebrate your new job. :'''Number One''': More than an hour or less than an hour? :'''Franklin''': About an hour and ten minutes. :'''Number One''': You go on ahead. You know how I like the lights. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': I believe that when we leave a place, part of it goes with us and part of us remains. Go anywhere in the station when it is quiet, and just listen. After a while, you will hear the echoes of all our conversations, every thought and word we’ve exchanged. Long after we are gone, our voices will linger in these walls for as long as this place remains. But I will admit that the part of me that is going will very much miss the part of you that is staying. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': It occurs to me I have never walked the length of this place, end to end. :'''[[w: John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Well, Delenn, it's 5 miles long. :'''Delenn''': I know. Coming? :'''Sheridan''': Now? :'''Delenn''': Now is all we have. === [[w:Objects at Rest|Objects at Rest]] === :''[G'Kar gives a "pep talk" to his successor, Ta'Lon, via a time-delayed message.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Greetings, Ta'Lon. I'm leaving this message for you because it appears I must leave Babylon 5 sooner than I had intended. I would have preferred to say this in person, but since I cannot, let me say it here. Now that I am gone, someone else must speak for our people. I would like for that person… to be you. Knowing you as I do, Ta'Lon, I'm sure you're wondering, why you? :'''Ta'Lon''': To say the least. :'''G'Kar''': I believe there is a time for enlightenment and a time for things to get done. I have become a distraction for our people. They require patience, direction, determination, and strength. I have provided a little of the first two. Now, you must provide the rest. You have always been sensible and level-headed. A rock that will never shift or break beneath the demands of our people. And you have been my friend. In my absence, we will need someone to focus on helping our world rebuild and strengthening ties with the Alliance. In order to serve our people here and at home, one must be both priest and warrior in equal measure. In recent months, I have become more priest than warrior. Perhaps, now it is time for someone who is more warrior than priest. You may believe you are not ready, but you are as ready as I was when I first came to Babylon 5. Check the records, I think you'll be amused. When this message has finished, a copy will automatically be sent to Sheridan and the others. They will receive you as they would receive me. Good luck, Ta'Lon. Serve our people–reasonably, fairly, and with honor. The rest will attend to itself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': When I had to learn English, one of the most difficult words for me was "goodbye." There is no corresponding word for "goodbye" in Minbari. All our partings contain within them the possibility of meeting again: in other places, in other times, in other lives. So you will excuse me if I do not say "goodbye." Our souls are a part of this place. Our hopes, the foundation of our future. And we will pass this way, again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w: John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': It's good to know that at least one of the old gang will be sticking around for a while. :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Who, me? Absolutely. Hell, I'll probably still be here when they turn off the lights.{{hnote|Due to production quirks, the episode and quote were produced after the finale, Sleeping in Light, in which he does return for the final shutdown.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': There are moments when we all become someone else, something other than what we are. It takes only a moment. But we spend the rest of our lives looking back at that moment in shame. === [[w:Sleeping in Light|Sleeping in Light]] === :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': You know, Londo never liked the Pak'ma'ra. They're stubborn, lazy, obnoxious, greedy— :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': They kinda look like an octopus that got run over by a truck. :'''Vir''': That too! But one day, Londo and I were walking past their quarters, and we heard them…''singing''. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Singing? They can sing? :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': There's nothing in the literature about that. :'''Vir''': Apparently, it's something they only do certain times of the year as part of their religious ceremonies. You may not believe this, but, it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I-I-I couldn't make out the words, but I knew it was full of sadness and hope and wonder and a terrible…sense of loss. I-I looked at Londo, and, this is the amazing part…there was a tear running down his face. I said, "Londo, we-we should leave. I mean, this is upsetting you." And he just stood there and listened. And when it was over, he turned to me and he said, "There are 49 gods in our pantheon, Vir. To tell you the truth, I never believed in any of them. But if only one of them exists, then God sings with that voice." It's funny. After everything we had been through…all he did? I miss him. :'''Sheridan''': A toast. To…absent friends. In memory still bright. :'''Garibaldi''': G'Kar. :'''Vir''': Londo. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Lennier. :'''Franklin''': Mar— :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''Marcus''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Sheridan takes a last walk though the station.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': So you hear 'em too, huh? :'''Sheridan''': Zack. Ha ha! What the hell are you doing here? I thought you went back to Earth. :'''Allan''': Yeah, I did. Got bored. Re-upped about six months ago. I figured I'd be here 'til they turn the lights out.{{hnote|This episode was produced prior to the rest of season 5, but a similar line in Objects at Rest refers to this line.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': ''[whispering]'' Well…look at that…the sun's coming up… <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Ivanova''': Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. There would never be another. It changed the future…and it changed us. It taught us that we have to create the future, or others would do it for us. It showed us that we have to care for one another, because if we don't, who will? And that true strength sometimes comes from the most…unlikely places. Mostly though, I think it gave us hope—that there can always be new beginnings…even for people like us. :'''Ivanova''': As for Delenn, every morning for as long as she lived, Delenn got up before dawn and watched the sun come up. : . . . :'''ISN newscaster''': And now, for those of you that have been archiving this ISN Special Documentary, the people responsible. :''[single frame stills of department-crews; then a shot of the whole crowd]'' :Funding for this program was made possible by grants from the Anla'shok Memorial Fund. == Films == ''Babylon 5'' films are listed in chronological order within the [[w:fictional universe|fictional universe's]] storyline. === [[w:Babylon 5: In the Beginning|Babylon 5: In the Beginning]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It is said that the future is always born in pain. The history of war is the history of pain. If we are wise what is born of that pain matures into the promise of a better world. Because we learn that we can no longer afford the mistakes of the past. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': The humans, I think, knew they were doomed. But where another race would surrender to despair, the humans fought back with even greater strength. They made the Minbari fight for every inch of space. In my life, I have never seen anything like it. They would ''weep'', they would ''pray'', they would say goodbye to their loved ones…and then throw themselves without fear or hesitation at the very face of death itself. Never surrendering. No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable could help but be moved to tears by their courage…their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of ships, they used guns. When they ran out of guns, they used knives and sticks and bare hands. They were magnificent. I only hope, that when it is my time, I may die with ''half'' as much dignity as I saw in their eyes at the end. They did this for '''two years'''. They never ran out of courage. But in the end…they ran out of time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': What are you doing here? :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': Creating the future. :''[Kosh stares into the area before them and a hologram flickers into view]'' :'''Hologram [[w:Dukhat|Dukhat]]''': If you are seeing this message, it is because I am dead. I entrust this message to the Vorlons to give it to the right person at the right time. They have come to us in secret and they say that this time, we will need allies. A particular race so far unknown to us, called humans. It is their hope that we find these humans and bring them into the battle on our side. The servants of the [[Shadow (Babylon 5)|Shadows]] are gathering at [[Z'ha'dum (planet)|Z'ha'dum]]. Their masters can not be far behind. Finish what I have started. Finish it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Hey I have a message for you. I have a message. I know what is in Dukat's sacred place. omph! :'''Minbari Soldier''': Silence! ''[Striking Sheridan]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I know what is in Dukat's sacred place. omph! :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Stop! What is... in Dukat's sacred place? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Entilzah. Entilzah! :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Let them go. :'''Minbari Soldier''': Satai? :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I said, let them go. There has been enough blood spilled this day. :''[Soldiers cut the prisoner's bonds]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Stephen Franklin|Dr. Franklin]]''': Entilzah. What does that mean? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': The future. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. :''[The [[w:Vorlon|Vorlon]]s are silent. After seeing she isn't going to receive an answer, Delenn turns to leave.]'' :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': The truth, points to itself. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': What? :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': The truth…points to itself. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I…I don't understand. :'''Ulkesh''': You will. Now go. :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': Go now. Before it is too late. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Earth President''': This is…This is the president. I have just been informed that our midrange military bases at Beta Colony and Proxima 3 have fallen to the Minbari advance. We have lost contact with Io and must conclude that they too have fallen to an advanced force. Our military intelligence believes that Minbari intend to bypass Mars and hit Earth directly, and the attack may come at any time. We have continued to broadcast our surrender and a plea for mercy, and they have not responded. We therefore can only conclude that we stand at the twilight of the Human race. In order to buy more time for our evacuation transports to leave Earth, we ask for support of every ship capable of fighting, to take part in a defense of our homeworld. We will not lie to you. We do not believe survival is a possibility. We believe that anyone who joins this battle, will never come home again. But for every ten minutes we can delay the military advance, several hundred more civilians may have a chance to escape to neutral territory. Though Earth may fall, the Human race must have a chance to continue elsewhere. No greater sacrifice has ever been asked of a people, but I ask you now, to step forward one last time–one last battle to hold the line against the night!… May God…go with you all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Why did the Minbari surrender at the Battle of the Line, on the very eve of victory? The answer would change the galaxy forever. === [[w:Babylon 5: The Gathering|Babylon 5: The Gathering]] === :''[The opening monologue to the episode, done in voiceover. This is the special edition version; for continuity purposes, two lines were removed from the original.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': I was there at the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind. It began in the Earth year 2257, with the founding of the last of the Babylon stations, located deep in neutral space. It was a port of call for refugees, smugglers, businessmen, diplomats and travelers from a hundred worlds. It could be a dangerous place, but we accepted the risk because Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace. Babylon 5 was a dream given form, a dream of a galaxy without war where species from different worlds could live side by side in mutual respect. Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. This is its story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': ''[to a man with a very attractive looking alien woman]'' I wouldn't. You know the rules about crossing species. Stick with the list. :'''Man''': What are you, a bigot or something? :'''Sinclair''': No. But obviously, you've never met an Arnassian before. After they finish, they ''eat'' their mate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Do you not have files on the Vorlons? :'''Sinclair''': Absolutely. Very ''large'' files. There's nothing ''in'' them, of course. How much do you have? :'''Delenn''': More than you, it would seem. Naturally, it's all classified. :'''Sinclair''': Naturally. :'''Delenn''': ''[producing a data card]'' Here is a copy of everything I have. It may be of use. If anyone asks…say it fell from the sky. I imagine I will be quite astonished by this breach of security. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': You're a security chief. Shouldn't you be out…securing something? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I am. I'm securing ''you''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': It'll be just like the old days, back when we conquered the entire Beta System in nine days! Did I ever tell you that story? :'''Garibaldi''': Several times. :'''Londo''': We came out of the sky, a veritable ''cloud'' of starships…! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': I suppose there'll be a war now, hm? All that running around and shooting one another. You'd think that sooner or later, it would go out of fashion. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': There was a time when this whole ''quadrant'' belonged to us! What are we now? Twelve worlds and a thousand monuments to past glories, living off memories and stories…selling trinkets! My god, man, we've become a tourist attraction! "See the great Centauri Republic, open nine to five…''Earth'' time!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair is recalling his experience at the Battle of the Line.]'' :'''Sinclair''': I was squad team leader when the call came in. We all knew it was a suicide mission. The Minbari had broken through and were closing in. Every ship we had left was ordered to circle Earth. We had to stop them, no matter what it cost. They came at us out of nowhere. We never had a chance. The sky was full of stars, and every star an exploding ship—one of ours. My team was blown out of the sky in less than a minute. :'''Carolyn Sykes''': I'm sorry. :'''Sinclair''': I managed to take out a fighter before they hit my stabilizers. I was losing power, I'd lost my team. And I figured if I was going to die, I'd take some of them with me. So I targeted one of their heavy cruisers. Hit my afterburners. I was going to ram them head-on. The last thing I remember is hurtling toward that cruiser. Filling my screen, big…my God, so big! Then…something…passed in front of my eyes. I guess I blacked out from the acceleration. When I came to twenty-four hours later, the cruiser was gone. I checked in. They told me the war was over. The Minbari had surrendered. :'''Carolyn Sykes''': Because of the Line! :'''Sinclair''': No, that's what I'm trying to tell you. We were beaten. We didn't stop them, they stopped ''themselves''! And I wish to hell I knew why. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Minbari''': ''[to Sinclair]'' There is a hole in your mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Sinclair narrowly escapes death]'' :'''Delenn''': You're all right? Do you need anything? :'''Sinclair''': Coffee. Two sugars. Cream. And aspirin. Lots and lots of aspirin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Laurel Takashima|Laurel Takashima]]''': So, Doctor, just what did you see when you looked inside that ''(Vorlon's)'' suit? :'''[[w:Benjamin Kyle|Dr. Benjamin Kyle]]''': There are moments in your life when everything crystallizes…and the whole world reshapes itself, right down to its component molecules. And everything changes. I have looked upon the face of a Vorlon, Laurel, and nothing is the same anymore! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': Think they'll ever find that transmitter you slipped G'Kar? :'''Sinclair''': No. because there ''isn't'' one. :'''Garibaldi''': There isn't? Wait— :'''Sinclair''': I lied. I figured if there ''were'' a transmitter, sooner or later they'd find it and remove it. But if I just ''told'' them there was, they'd ''keep'' looking. Indefinitely. :'''Garibaldi''': Commander, do you have any idea of the tests they'll put him through, the ''things'' they'll do to him trying to find a transmitter that's not there? :'''Sinclair''': Yes. Come on. :'''Garibaldi''': ''[smiling]'' There are some days I love this job. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': There is something I've been wondering. Why Babylon 5? If the prior four stations were lost or destroyed, why build another? :'''Sinclair''': Plain old human stubbornness, I guess. When something we value is destroyed, we rebuild it. If it's destroyed again, we rebuild it again. And again, and again, and…again, until it stays. That, as our poet Tennyson once said, is the goal: "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." :'''Delenn''': A poet? :'''Sinclair''': Someone who writes poems. ''[She gives him a confused look.]'' A poem. A story in meter or rhyme. :'''Delenn''': ''[smiling]'' Ah! "There once was a man from Nantucket." :'''Sinclair''': ''[chuckles]'' You've been talking to Garibaldi again, haven't you? :'''Delenn''': Yes. How did you know? :'''Sinclair''': ''[smiling]'' Oh, just a wild guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the episode]'' :'''Laurel Takashima''': This is Lieutenant Commander Laurel Takashima. Our docking bays stand ready to receive you. Babylon 5 is open for business! === [[w:Babylon 5: Thirdspace|Babylon 5: Thirdspace]] === :''[Delenn and Sheridan are in his office, discussing the massive and mysterious artifact]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': May I assume that this has nothing to do with you wanting to be the first to unlock whatever secrets this thing brings with it? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Me? When have you ever known me to have a personal agenda? :'''Delenn''': John, whenever something comes into our proximity that has to do with the unknown, your eyes light up like two tiny suns. And do you know what words these two tiny lights spell out? :'''Sheridan''': What? :'''Delenn''': Mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! :'''Sheridan''': Oh, now that is a lie! :'''Delenn''': Minbari do not lie. :'''Sheridan''': Well then it is slander. :'''Delenn''': To be slander, it must be false. That's two down. :'''Sheridan''': Well, then it's…it's damned inconvenient. :'''Delenn''': The truth always is. :''[she kisses him and leaves; he turns on a monitor and looks at the artifact]'' :'''Sheridan''': Besides…it ''is'' mine. === [[w:Babylon 5: The River of Souls|Babylon 5: The River of Souls]] === :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': Dr. Wolfgang Pauli was a physicist during the late 20th century. Whenever he stepped inside the physics lab, something would go wrong or break down, usually a very expensive piece of equipment. Became kind of a joke with the other doctors, who called it the [[w:Pauli effect|Pauli effect]]. According to the story, one day an extremely sensitive and expensive piece of equipment exploded, but he wasn't in the room. So for the first time, they had some proof that the Pauli effect wasn't real. Until they found out that at the exact moment the equipment exploded, he was on a train passing by right in front of the place. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi can't take his eyes off Captain Lochley's hologram]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allen|Zack Allen]]''': Hey! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': What? What am I supposed to do, blind myself here? All right, fine, I'm as offended as you are. But I can see why a lot of guys would rent this particular image. :'''Jacob Mayhew''': Actually, it was mainly women. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soul Hunter''': Faith is good. But sometimes faith is blind. === [[w:Babylon 5: A Call to Arms|Babylon 5: A Call to Arms]] === :'''Galen''': If sometimes dreams come true, then what of our nightmares? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dureena extracts a data crystal from a Drazi skin pouch.]'' :'''Leonard Anderson''': How do you know they have a pouch? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Well. It's not a pouch…exactly. It's their reproductive area. :'''Leonard Anderson''': Ugh, why did you have to tell me that? Hey, lady! Dureena! Listen! The only thing valuable I carry on me is my ''watch''! I want you to know that in case that ever comes up in the future. Okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': You're asking the impossible. :'''John Sheridan''': Then I am asking the right person. <hr width="50%"/> :[last lines of the episode] :'''John Sheridan''': Those who command the Excalibur will never stop, never give up, and never slow down until a cure is found. And we'll take any help we can get. Wherever and whoever it comes from. Because this is a cause that surpasses borders and difference and distrust. This is a mission about the survival of Earth itself. What we do over the next five years, here, at home, and across the darkness between the stars, will determine whether an entire world will live…or die. It's a fight we can't afford to lose. And we won't. We won't. === [[w:Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers|Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers]] === :'''David Martel''': We live for The One, we die for The One. But we don't die stupidly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dulann''': His concern was for us, not for himself. I know. I saw it in his soul. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Liandra, 20 years old and somewhat in need of maintenance, is about to try to launch.]'' :'''Sarah Cantrell''': Today's a good day to die. :'''David Martel''': Oh, with you every day is a good day to die. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the Liandra rescues a group of very annoyed diplomats from an alien raid, G'Kar attempts to calm them down]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Minister Kafta, this ship is being held together by little pieces of wire and good intentions. If we land in this condition, assuming we do not have an unpleasant encounter with the ground on the way down, I doubt very much they could take off again. They would be trapped with us, and the ship looking for them would find it, find them, find us, find you, a brilliant cascade of cause and effect. Isn't the universe a wonderful place? I wouldn't live anywhere else. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''G'Kar''': ''[about to leave the ''Liandra'' for Babylon 5]'' It's quite a place. A place of good times and bad, of pain and growth, but in the end a place of great hope. But if you ever do come aboard, remember one thing: '''No one there is exactly what he seems'''. But then, who is? == Books == === ''[[w:Babylon 5: Legions of Fire - The Long Night of Centauri Prime|Legions of Fire: The Long Night of Centauri Prime]]'' === :''[While walking through the capitol city, the newly invested Emperor Londo Mollari was struck by a rock thrown by a young teenage girl, who proceeded to upbraid him for his failings in defense of the Centauri people.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': You are quite brave, do you know that? :''[For a moment the girl seemed taken aback, and then she gathered herself.]'' :'''Girl''': I'm not brave. I'm just too tired and hungry and angry to care anymore. :'''Londo Mollari''': Perhaps they are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps bravery is simply apathy with delusions of grandeur. == Notes == == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|0105946|Babylon 5}} * {{imdb title|0120711|Babylon 5: In the Beginning}} * {{imdb title|0106336|Babylon 5: The Gathering}} * {{imdb title|0121804|Babylon 5: Thirdspace}} * {{imdb title|0146247|Babylon 5: The River of Souls}} * {{imdb title|0146455|Babylon 5: A Call to Arms}} * {{imdb title|0280453|Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight}} * {{imdb title|0149437|Crusade}} * [http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/lurker.html The Lurker's Guide to Babylon 5] [[Category:1990s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TNT shows]] [[Category:Military drama TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] 85umtvtzqxopxq2b9ukjr3pvbf3gkzj 3954360 3954358 2026-06-19T07:53:51Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* The War Prayer */ 3954360 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Babylon 5 1994 logo.svg|thumb|It can be a [[dangerous]] place, but it's our last best [[hope]] for [[peace]]. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2258. The name of the place is ''Babylon 5''.]] '''''[[w:Babylon 5|Babylon 5]]''''' (1993–1998), created by [[J. Michael Straczynski]], is a [[w:science fiction|science fiction]] television epic about ''Babylon 5'', an Earth-governed space station built to promote harmony between interstellar civilizations. It is unusual in its focus on a [[w:story arc|story arc]] which dominates the events through its five-year run. __NOTOC__ {| align="center" ! width="18%" style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 1: Signs and Portents | Season 1]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 2: The Coming of Shadows | Season 2]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 3: Point of No Return | Season 3]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 4: No Surrender, No Retreat | Season 4]] ! width="18%" style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Season 5: The Wheel of Fire | Season 5]] ! width="12%" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Films | Films, etc.]] |- | <!--1.01--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Midnight on the Firing Line | Midnight on the Firing Line]] | <!--2.01--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Points of Departure | Points of Departure]] | <!--3.01--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Matters of Honor | Matters of Honor]] | <!--4.01--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Hour of the Wolf | Hour of the Wolf]] | <!--5.01--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#No Compromises | No Compromises]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: In the Beginning | In the Beginning]] |- | <!--1.02--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Soul Hunter | Soul Hunter]] | <!--2.02--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Revelations | Revelations]] | <!--3.02--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Convictions | Convictions]] | <!--4.02--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[Babylon 5#Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?| Whatever/Garibaldi?]] | <!--5.02--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari | Long Night of Londo]] |- | <!--1.03--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Born to the Purple | Born to the Purple]] | <!--2.03--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Geometry of Shadows | Geometry of Shadows]] | <!--3.03--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Day in the Strife | Day in the Strife]] | <!--4.03--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Summoning | Summoning]] | <!--5.03--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Paragon of Animals | Paragon of Animals]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: The Gathering | The Gathering (pilot)]] |- | <!--1.04--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Infection | Infection]] | <!--2.04--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Distant Star | Distant Star]] | <!--3.04--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Passing Through Gethsemane | Passing/Gethsemane]] | <!--4.04--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Falling Toward Apotheosis | Falling/Apotheosis]] | <!--5.04--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A View from the Gallery | View from Gallery]] |- | <!--1.05--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Parliament of Dreams | Parliament of Dreams]] | <!--2.05--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Long Dark | Long Dark]] | <!--3.05--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Voices of Authority | Voices of Authority]] | <!--4.05--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Long Night | Long Night]] | <!--5.05--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Learning Curve | Learning Curve]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: Thirdspace | Thirdspace]] |- | <!--1.06--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Mind War | Mind War]] | <!--2.06--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Spider in the Web | Spider in the Web]] | <!--3.06--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Dust to Dust | Dust to Dust]] | <!--4.06--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Into the Fire | Into the Fire]] | <!--5.06--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Strange Relations | Strange Relations]] |- | <!--1.07--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The War Prayer | War Prayer]] | <!--2.07--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Soul Mates | Soul Mates]] | <!--3.07--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Exogenesis | Exogenesis]] | <!--4.07--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Epiphanies | Epiphanies]] | <!--5.07--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Secrets of the Soul | Secrets of the Soul]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: The River of Souls | River of Souls]] |- | <!--1.08--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And the Sky Full of Stars | Sky Full of Stars]] | <!--2.08--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Race Through Dark Places | Race Thru Dark Places]] | <!--3.08--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Messages from Earth | Messages from Earth]] | <!--4.08--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Illusion of Truth | Illusion of Truth]] | <!--5.08--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Day of the Dead | Day of the Dead]] |- | <!--1.09--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Deathwalker | Deathwalker]] | <!--2.09--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Coming of Shadows | Coming of Shadows]] | <!--3.09--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Point of No Return | Point of No Return]] | <!--4.09--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Atonement | Atonement]] | <!--5.09--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#In the Kingdom of the Blind | Kingdom of the Blind]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: A Call to Arms | A Call to Arms]] |- | <!--1.10--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Believers | Believers]] | <!--2.10--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Gropos | Gropos]] | <!--3.10--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Severed Dreams | Severed Dreams]] | <!--4.10--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Racing Mars | Racing Mars]] | <!--5.10--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Tragedy of Telepaths | Tragedy of Telepaths]] |- | <!--1.11--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Survivors | Survivors]] | <!--2.11--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#All Alone in the Night | All Alone in the Night]] | <!--3.11--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Ceremonies of Light and Dark | Cerem/Light & Dark]] | <!--4.11--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Lines of Communication | Lines of Communication]] | <!--5.11--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Phoenix Rising | Phoenix Rising]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers | Legend of the Rangers]] |- | <!--1.12--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#By Any Means Necessary | Any Means Necessary]] | <!--2.12--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Acts of Sacrifice | Acts of Sacrifice]] | <!--3.12--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Sic Transit Vir | Sic Transit Vir]] | <!--4.12--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Conflicts of Interest | Conflicts of Interest]] | <!--5.12--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Ragged Edge | Ragged Edge]] |- | <!--1.13--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Signs and Portents | Signs and Portents]] | <!--2.13--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Hunter, Prey | Hunter, Prey]] | <!--3.13--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Late Delivery from Avalon | Late Delivery/Avalon]] | <!--4.13--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Rumors, Bargains and Lies | Rumors, Bargains, Lies]] | <!--5.13--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father | Corps is Mother/Father]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[Crusade (TV series) | Crusade]] |- | <!--1.14--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#TKO | TKO]] | <!--2.14--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#There All the Honor Lies | There All the Honor Lies]] | <!--3.14--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Ship of Tears | Ship of Tears]] | <!--4.14--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Moments of Transition | Moments of Transition]] | <!--5.14--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Meditations on the Abyss | Meditations/Abyss]] |- | <!--1.15--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Grail | Grail]] | <!--2.15--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And Now For a Word | And Now For a Word]] | <!--3.15--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Interludes and Examinations | Interludes & Examinations]] | <!--4.15--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#No Surrender, No Retreat | No Surrender/Retreat]] | <!--5.15--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Darkness Ascending | Darkness Ascending]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Books | Books]] |- | <!--1.16--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Eyes | Eyes]] | <!--2.16--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum | Shadow of Z'ha'dum]] | <!--3.16--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#War Without End, Part 1 | War Without End 1]] | <!--4.16--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Exercise of Vital Powers | Exercise of Vital Powers]] | <!--5.16--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder | Dreams, Torn Asunder]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#888888;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | &nbsp; |- | <!--1.17--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Legacies | Legacies]] | <!--2.17--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Knives | Knives]] | <!--3.17--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#War Without End, Part 2 | War Without End 2]] | <!--4.17--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Face of the Enemy | Face of the Enemy]] | <!--5.17--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Movements of Fire and Shadow | Move/Fire & Shadow]] | rowspan="2" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Unidentified episode or film | Unidentified episode/film]] |- | <!--1.18--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Voice in the Wilderness, Part 1 | Voice/Wilderness 1]] | <!--2.18--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Confessions and Lamentations | Confessions/Laments]] | <!--3.18--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Walkabout | Walkabout]] | <!--4.18--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Intersections in Real Time | Intersections/Real Time]] | <!--5.18--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Fall of Centauri Prime | Fall of Centauri Prime]] |- | <!--1.19--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#A Voice in the Wilderness, Part 2 | Voice/Wilderness 2]] | <!--2.19--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Divided Loyalties | Divided Loyalties]] | <!--3.19--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Grey 17 Is Missing | Grey 17 Is Missing]] | <!--4.19--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Between the Darkness and the Light | Btw Darkness & Light]] | <!--5.19--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Wheel of Fire | Wheel of Fire]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#888888;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | &nbsp; |- | <!--1.20--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Babylon Squared | Babylon Squared]] | <!--2.20--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Long, Twilight Struggle | Long, Twilight Struggle]] | <!--3.20--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place | Rock Cried Out]] | <!--4.20--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Endgame | Endgame]] | <!--5.20--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Objects in Motion | Objects in Motion]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Notes | Notes]] |- | <!--1.21--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Quality of Mercy | Quality of Mercy]] | <!--2.21--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Comes the Inquisitor | Comes the Inquisitor]] | <!--3.21--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Shadow Dancing | Shadow Dancing]] | <!--4.21--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Rising Star | Rising Star]] | <!--5.21--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Objects at Rest | Objects at Rest]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#See also | See also]] |- | <!--1.22--> style="background-color:#f4f400;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Chrysalis | Chrysalis]] | <!--2.22--> style="background-color:#e8c39f;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Fall of Night | Fall of Night]] | <!--3.22--> style="background-color:#bbe4bb;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Z'ha'dum | Z'ha'dum]] | <!--4.22--> style="background-color:#ffa3a3;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#The Deconstruction of Falling Stars | Deconst/Falling Stars]] | <!--5.22--> style="background-color:#ccccff;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#Sleeping in Light | Sleeping in Light]] | rowspan="1" style="background-color:#dddddd;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[#External links | External links]] |} == Season 1: Signs and Portents == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': It was the dawn of the third age of mankind, ten years after the Earth/Minbari war. The Babylon Project was a dream given form. Its goal: to prevent another war by creating a place where humans and aliens could work out their differences peacefully. It's a port of call, home away from home for diplomats, hustlers, entrepreneurs, and wanderers. Humans and aliens wrapped in two million, five hundred thousand tons of spinning metal, all alone in the night. It can be a dangerous place, but it's our last best hope for peace. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2258. The name of the place is ''Babylon 5''. === [[w:Midnight on the Firing Line|Midnight on the Firing Line]] === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[arguing with Garibaldi]'' We made a mistake, I'm sorry. Here, open my wrists. ''[offers Garibaldi his wrists]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Centauri don't have major arteries in their wrists. :'''Londo''': Of course not! What, do you think I am stupid? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': The best way to understand someone is to fight him, make him angry. That's when you see the real person. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': I do not like Santiago. I've always thought that a leader should have a strong chin. He has no chin, and his vice president has several. This to me is not a good combination. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': My people…we have a way, you see. We know how, and sometimes even when, we are going to die. Comes in a dream. In my dream, I am an old man, it's twenty years from now, and I am dying. My hands wrapped around someone's throat, and his around mine. We have squeezed the life out of each other. The first time I saw G'Kar, I recognized him as the one from the dream. It will happen. Twenty years from now, we'll die with our hands around each other's throats.{{hnote|Among the first of a multitude of foreshadowings, this one concerns Londo and G'Kar's ultimate fate.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': What reasonable explanation is there for the slaughter of unarmed civilians? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Curious. We wondered the same thing when you invaded our world. The wheel turns, does it not, Ambassador? :'''Londo''': We should have wiped out your kind when we had the chance. :'''G'Kar''': What happened? Run out of small children to butcher? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': They are alone. They are a dying people. We should let them pass. :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Sinclair]]''': The Narn or the Centauri? :'''Kosh''': Yes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sinclair''': We've had plenty of experience with sneak attacks - Pearl Harbor, the terrorist nuking of San Diego, the destruction of our first Mars colony, it's a long and bloody history... Do you know what we learned from it? That the sneak attack is the first resort of a coward. :'''G'Kar''': Just a minute- :'''Sinclair''': You didn't even have the decency to pick a military target! A poorly armed civilian colony... ''[in sarcasm]'' What a challenge that must've been for the great Narn military... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': Mr. Garibaldi, you're sitting at my station, using my equipment. Is there a reason for this, or to save time should I just snap your hand off at the wrist? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': The Council can go to hell! And the emergency session can go to hell! And you, Vir, you can go to hell too—I would not want you to feel left out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': Blood calls out for blood. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': Just now, would you really have killed me? :'''Garibaldi:''' Yes. Yes, I would have. But I'm just as glad I didn't have to. The paperwork's a pain in the butt. === [[w:Soul Hunter (Babylon 5)|Soul Hunter]] === :''[An unknown ship on collision course with the station.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': This is not a clear and present danger? I must read the rule book again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': It's all so brief, isn't it? Typical human lifespan is almost a hundred years, but it's barely a second compared to what's out there. It wouldn't be so bad if life didn't take so long to figure out. Seems you just start to get it right and then…it's over. :'''Ivanova''': Doesn't matter. If we lived 200 years we'd still be human, we'd still make the same mistakes. :'''Franklin''': You're a pessimist. :'''Ivanova''': I'm Russian, doctor. We understand these things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': They will join with the souls of all our people. Melt one into another until they are born into the next generation of Minbari. Remove those souls and the whole suffers. We are diminished, each generation becomes less than the one before. :'''Soul Hunter''': A quaint lie, pretty fantasy. The soul ends with death, unless we act to preserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I really hate it when you get heroic. Cuts into my business. A man's got to earn a living, you know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soul Hunter #2''': If I may ask, what happened to my brother's collection? :'''Sinclair''': ''[with a sly smile]'' Life's full of mysteries. Consider this one of them. === [[w:Born to the Purple|Born to the Purple]] === <hr width=50%/> :'''Londo''': What do you want, you moon-faced assassin of joy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova talks to her father for the last time]'' :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Is that you, Susan? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Yes. :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Oh dear God! I never thought I'd see your face again. It makes this easier. Susan, I know I haven't been the best of fathers to you. But when your mother passed on and your brother was killed in the war I was too wrapped up in my own grief to pay attention to your needs. And when you joined EarthForce against my wishes… :'''Ivanova''': You don't have to say this, Father. :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Yes, Yes I must. There's no more time. I want you to know how proud I am of you, Susan. I always have been. But a father should give his daughter love as well as respect, and in that I failed you. I'm sorry, I'm ashamed. Forgive me. :''[she nods her head, and Andrei smiles]'' :'''Andrei Ivanov''': Thank you, ''dushenka moya''. :'''Ivanova''': "Little soul." You haven't called me that since... :''[her father closes his eyes and stops breathing]'' :'''Ivanova''': Papa! === [[w:Infection (Babylon 5)|Infection]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': The last time I gave an interview, they told me to just relax and say what I really felt. Ten minutes after the broadcast I got transferred to an outpost so far off the star maps you couldn't find it with a hunting dog and a Ouija board. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[smiling]'' Don't sweat it. Just be that charming, effervescent Commander we've all come to know and love. What's the worst that could happen? They fire you, ship you off to the Rim, and I get promoted to Commander. I don't see a problem here. :'''Sinclair''': [[King Lear|How sharper than a serpent's tooth]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[visiting Babylon 5, Vance Hendricks tries to get the attention of his former protege]'' :'''Dr. Vance Hendricks''': Stephen, there's a Martian war machine parked outside. [[The War of the Worlds|They'd like a word about the common cold]]. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin (Babylon 5)|Dr. Stephen Franklin]]''': Tell them to make an appointment. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sinclair''': You forgot the first rule of the fanatic: when you become obsessed with the enemy, you ''become'' the enemy! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mary Ann Cramer''': I have to ask you the same question people back home are asking about space these days. Is it worth it? Should we just pull back? Forget the whole thing as a bad idea, and take care of our own problems at home? :'''Sinclair''': No. We have to stay here. And there's a simple reason why. Ask ten different scientists about the environment, population control, genetics, and you'll get ten different answers. But there's one thing every scientist on the planet agrees on. Whether it happens in a hundred years or a thousand years or a million years, eventually our Sun will grow cold and go out. When that happens, it won't just take us. It'll take Marilyn Monroe, and Lao-Tzu, and Einstein, and Morobuto, and Buddy Holly, and Aristophanes, and all of this…all of this…was for nothing. Unless we go to the stars. === [[w:The Parliament of Dreams|The Parliament of Dreams]] === <hr width=50%/> :'''Narn Courier''': Are you Ambassador G'Kar? :'''G'Kar''': This is Ambassador G'Kar's quarters. This is Ambassador G'Kar's table! This is Ambassador G'Kar's ''dinner''! Which part of this progression escapes you?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Do you know what the last Xon said just before he died? ''[clutches chest]'' AAAAGGGHHHH! : . . . :''[A drunken Londo climbs across a dinner table as he describes a collection of Centauri statues.]'' :'''Londo''': ''This'' is Ben-Zed, god of food! And…Li, goddess of passion! And Mo-goth, god of the underworld, ''and'' protector of front doors. Gods by the bushel! Gods by the pound! Gods for all occasions!! :''[He leans toward a discomfited Delenn.]'' :'''Londo''': Have I ever told you that you are very cute for a Minbari? :''[He crawls over to Garibaldi.]'' :'''Londo''': Oh! And you are cute, too, in an annoying sort of way. ''Everybody's'' cute. Everybody's cute! Even me. But in purple, I'm stunning! :''[He passes out on the table.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': Ah! He has become one with his inner self! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': He's passed out. :'''Vir''': That too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': And you have no idea how that ''[a black flower sent to G'Kar as a sign that he is about to be assassinated]'' got into my bed? :'''Na'Toth''': Ambassador, it is not my place to speculate on how ''anything'' gets into your bed. Your reputed fascination with Earth women, for instance. : . . . :'''G'Kar''': The Earthers have a phrase: Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. I believe they stole it from us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn meets her new aide at customs]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': You can look up, Lennier of the Third Fane of Chu'Domo. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': It is forbidden. :'''Delenn''': I cannot have an aide who will not look up. You will be forever walking into things.{{hnote|As told to her by Dukhat—see ''Atonement''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair is listening to an audio recording of [[Alfred Tennyson|Tennyson's]] ''Ulysses'' in his quarters]'' :'''Catherine''': Tennyson? Jeff, you've been caught on that one since the Academy! What's it take to drag you into the 23rd century? :'''Sinclair''': We find meaning where we can. :'''Catherine''': Ah, and which are you? "An idle king…doling unequal laws unto a savage race that hoard and sleep and feed and know not you"? Or, "this gray spirit, yearning in desire to follow knowledge like a sinking star"? :'''Sinclair''': I didn't know you'd memorized it! :'''Catherine''': I lived with you for a year. I didn't have much choice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair grabs Catherine's wrist as she moves to leave his quarters.]'' :'''Catherine''': Don't touch me unless you mean it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': That hurt. :'''Na'Toth''': Ambassador, it was the only way to disable the paingivers. I had to hit them as hard as possible, as often as possible, and still make it appear as though I were beating you into another incarnation. :'''G'Kar''': And you didn't enjoy it in the least? :'''Na'Toth''': I didn't say that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'kar''': ''[To Tu'Pari]'' That's your flight. I suggest you board quickly. With luck, they may never find you, but if they do, you will know pain… :'''Na'toth''': …and you will know fear… :'''G'Kar''': …and then you will die. Have a pleasant flight. === [[w:Mind War|Mind War]] === <hr width=50%/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': No, it's a fine time… :''[he looks up and spots the two Psi Cops, Bester and Kelsey–instantly realizing that they've been communicating telepathically with him]'' :'''Sinclair''': Get ''out of my head.'' You want to talk to me, '''talk to me!''' :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Apologies, Commander. It saves considerable time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar tries to dissuade a skeptical Catherine Sakai from her flight to Sigma 957.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Let me pass on to you the one thing I've learned about this place. '''No one here is exactly what he appears.''' Not Mollari, not Delenn, not Sinclair…and not me. : . . . :''[After returning from Sigma 957, Sakai seeks out G'Kar.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Ah, Ms. Sakai. I'm pleased to see that you have returned safely from your expedition. :'''Catherine Sakai''': Yes, thanks to you. Just one question. Why? :'''G'Kar''': Why not? :'''Catherine Sakai''': It's not an answer. :'''G'Kar''': Oh yes it is. It's simply not an answer you like or the answer you expected. There's a difference. Narns, humans, Centauri, we all do what we do for the same reason: because it seemed like a good idea at the time. There was no profit, no advantage in letting you fall to an untimely and most uncomfortable death. It would distress the Commander to no good effect. So once again we return to, "Why not?" I told you before you left: no one here is entirely what they appear. If I surprised you, all the better. Good day, Ms. Sakai. <hr width=50%/> :''[Garibaldi harbors a very rude thought towards Bester]'' :'''Bester''': Anatomically impossible, Mr. Garibaldi. But you're welcome to try. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Talia''': Do you know what it's like when telepaths make love, Commander? You drop every defense, and it's all mirrors: reflecting each other's feelings deeper and deeper…until, somewhere along the line, your souls mix. And it's a feeling so profound it makes you hurt. It's the only moment in a telepath's life when you no longer hear the voices. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Catherine Sakai''': While I was out there, I saw something. What was it? :'''G'Kar''': ''[pointing to a nearby flower]'' What is this? ''[upon closer inspection, an insect is visible]'' :'''Catherine''': An ant. :'''G'Kar''': "Ant"! :'''Catherine''': So much gets shipped up from Earth on commercial transports, it's hard to keep them out. :''[As Catherine is talking, G'Kar carefully picks up the ant.]'' :'''G'Kar''': I have just picked it up on the tip of my glove. If I put it down again ''[replacing the ant on the flower]'' and it asks another ant, "What was that?" …how would it explain? There are things in the universe billions of years older than either of our races. They are vast, timeless. And if they are aware of us at all, it is as little more than ants…and we have as much chance of communicating with them as an ant has with us. We know. We've tried. And we've learned we can either stay out from underfoot, or be stepped on. :'''Catherine''': That's it? That's all you know? :'''G'Kar''': Yes. They are a mystery. And I am both terrified and reassured to know that there are still wonders in the universe…that we have not yet explained everything. Whatever they are, Ms. Sakai, they walk near Sigma 957. They must walk there ''alone.'' === [[w:The War Prayer (Babylon 5)|The War Prayer]] === :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You're a vicious man. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I'm Head of Security. It's in the job description. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vir pleads with Londo for a young star-crossed Centauri couple.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': But they ''love'' each other! :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Love! Pah! Overrated! :''[Londo fetches a set of three pictures of Centauri women.]'' :'''Londo''': Here, look. These are ''my'' three wives: Pestilence, Famine, and Death. Do you think I married them for their personalities?! Their personalities could shatter entire planets!{{hnote|A reference to the three of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse—War is the one left out}} Arranged marriages, every one. But they worked out, they ''inspired'' me! Knowing that they were waiting at home for me is what keeps me here — 75 light-years away! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': …My shoes are too tight. :'''Vir''': …Excuse me? :'''Londo''': Something my father said. He was…old, very old at the time. I went into his room, and he was sitting, alone in the dark, crying. So I asked him what was wrong, and he said, "My shoes are too tight. But it doesn't matter, because I have forgotten how to dance." I never understood what that meant until now. My shoes are too tight, and I have forgotten how to dance. :'''Vir''': …I don't understand. :'''Londo''': ''[Smiling wistfully]'' Nor should you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Human ways are often unfathomable, but in time, one learns to live with them. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': If one has an exceedingly strong constitution. === [[w:And the Sky Full of Stars|And the Sky Full of Stars]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Everyone lies, Michael. The innocent lie because they don't want to be blamed for something they didn't do, and the guilty lie because they don't have any other choice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mysterious man accuses Sinclair of selling out to the Minbari at the Battle of the Line.]'' :'''Sinclair''': We never had a chance. You say we could have won, but you weren't there, you didn't see them! When I looked at those ships, I…I didn't just see ''my'' death — I saw the death of the ''whole damn'' human race! :'''Knight Two:''' Then why did they surrender?! :'''Sinclair:''' I don't know! Maybe the universe blinked. Maybe God changed His mind. All I know is that we got a second chance! === [[w:Deathwalker|Deathwalker]] === :''[Ambassador Kosh hires commercial telepath Talia for an mysterious job.]'' :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': We will meet in Red 3 at the hour of scampering. :''[Later, after the first meeting]'' :'''Kosh''': We shall commence again tomorrow at the hour of longing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kosh''': Ahh. You seek meaning. :'''Talia''': Yes. :'''Kosh''': Then listen to the music, not the song. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': ''[to a Drazi ship threatening to fire on the station]'' Vakar Ashok, our gun arrays are now fixed on your ship. They will fire the instant you come into range. You will find their power most impressive…for a few seconds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A distressed Talia presses Kosh for the meaning of his "business deal" with Abbut.]'' :'''Talia''': What ''is'' he? And what was on that data crystal he gave you? :'''Kosh''': Reflection. Surprise. Terror. For the future. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A gloating "Deathwalker" Jha'dur reveals the secret of her immortality drug.]'' :'''Jha'dur''': You and the rest of your kind take blind comfort in the belief that we are monsters, that you could never do what we did. The key ingredient in the anti-agapic cannot be synthesized. It must be taken from living beings. For one to live forever, another one must die. You will fall upon one another like ''wolves''. It will make what we did ''pale'' by comparison. The billions who live forever will be a testimony to my work. And the billions who are murdered to buy that ''immortality'' will be the continuance of my work. Not like us? You will ''become'' us. That's my monument, Commander. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Ambassador Kosh has been a busy boy today. :'''Sinclair''': They say God works in mysterious ways. :'''Garibaldi''': Maybe so. But He's a con man compared to the Vorlon. === [[w:Believers (Babylon 5)|Believers]] === :'''M'Ola''': No one knows what is written in the stream ''[of Time]'' until the waters surround him. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': After that [pacing to and fro], maybe I'll try pacing fro and to, just for the kick of it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': May God save us from false religion. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Who asked you to play God? :'''Franklin''': Every damn patient who comes through that door, that's who. People come to doctors because they want us to be gods. They want us to make it better…or make it not so. They want to be healed and they come to me when their prayers aren't enough. Well, if I have to take the responsibility, then I claim the authority too. I did good. And we both know it. And no one is going to take that away. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Franklin''': I'm waiting. For an apology. :'''Sinclair''': You'd better check the temperature in Hell first. === [[w:Survivors (Babylon 5)|Survivors]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Lieutenant Commander Ivanova, escort Major Kemmer off the Observation Dome. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': With pleasure. ''[to Kemmer]'' You are going to resist, I hope. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Lianna Kemmer''': I ''demand'' you open a channel to Earth at once! :'''Ivanova''': I am a Lieutenant Commander in Earthforce, Major. I do not take demands. If you have a request, I'll consider it. :'''Maj. Kemmer''': Very well, then. I ''request'' that you open a channel to Earthdome! :'''Ivanova''': Request denied. Have a nice day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar makes the suddenly fugitive Garibaldi an offer.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': What if I told you a ship is ready to spirit you away to Narn space? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I'd say "Why?" :'''G'Kar''': You could serve us in various ways. Analyst, security, cryptographer. If you grow homesick we could arrange for your return to human space with proper genetic alterations. That, too, might serve our needs. :'''Garibaldi''': You want me to betray my own world? :'''G'Kar''': Stop seeing things in such absolute terms. The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: ''energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest.'' Unless you comprehend that fact and soon, you will be cornered and caged. === [[w:By Any Means Necessary (Babylon 5)|By Any Means Necessary]] === :''[upon being told that Londo is the only one on the station who can provide him with a flower he needs for a religious ceremony]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Oh, why does the universe hate me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair uses his power to end a dockworkers' strike "by any means necessary"…by giving the strikers what they want]'' :'''Orin Zento''': You can't ''do'' this! :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': You're right, I ''couldn't''. Until you convinced the Senate to invoke the Rush Act. You should never hand someone a gun unless you're sure where they'll point it. Your mistake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Sinclair resolves the dockworkers' strike]'' :'''Senator Hidoshi''': If I were you, commander, I would watch things very carefully. You are not the most popular person in government circles right now. ''[ends their video call]'' :'''Sinclair''': So what else is new? === [[w:Signs and Portents|Signs and Portents]] === :''[one question, asked multiple times to different characters]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': What do you want? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I've always had a hard time getting up when it's dark outside. :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': But in space, it's ''always'' dark. :'''Ivanova''': ''[morosely]'' I know. I know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Kiro dismisses his aunt's vision of Babylon 5's destruction.]'' :'''Lord Kiro''': You will forgive my aunt. She sometimes takes her role of prophetess too seriously. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Then you don't believe her vision? :'''Lord Kiro''': She's been wrong before. On my first birthday, she said that someday I would be killed by…''shadows''. {{hnote|This is the first mention in the series of 'shadows'.}} :'''Londo''': Shadows? :'''Lord Kiro''': Doesn't exactly make sense, does it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[when Morden repeatedly asks him what he wants]'' :'''Londo Mollari''': Do you ''really'' want to know what I want? Do you ''really'' want to know the truth? I want my people to reclaim their rightful place in the galaxy. I want to see the Centauri stretch forth their hand again and command the stars. I want a rebirth of glory, a renaissance of power! I want to stop running through my life like a man late for an appointment, afraid to look back or look forward. I want us to be what we used to be! I want…I want it all back the way it was. Does that answer your question? :''[he storms off, leaving Morden with a satisfied look]'' :'''Morden''': Yes. Yes, it does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[trying to find Sinclair, Morden runs into Kosh]'' :'''Kosh''': Leave this place. They are not for you. Go. Leave. NOW. === [[w:TKO (Babylon 5)|TKO]] === :''[Boxer Walker Smith decks a man trying to knife a distracted Garibaldi from behind.]'' :'''Walker Smith''': One of these days, Garibaldi…you're gonna learn to watch your back. {{hnote|Foreshadowing an event in the season 1 finale.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rabbi Yossel Koslov''': Without forgiveness, you cannot mourn. And without mourning, you can never let go of the pain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Walker Smith''': Any ideas on how I should fight this guy? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': From inside a Main Battle Tank would be nice. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the memorial service for Ivanova's father]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': When I was thirteen, I developed a passion for Kasharev, one of the radical neocommunist authors. :'''Rabbi Koslov''': Oy! Your father felt that Kasharev would be personally responsible for the destruction of Russian culture! :'''Ivanova''': Exactly! But he was invited to a reading by Kasharev, and I begged him to take me. Of course, he had no intention of going, but I whined and pouted as only a thirteen-year-old can, and eventually, he was forced to surrender. So, after the reading there was a question and answer session, and for days I had been formulating the perfect question with which to impress my idol. So the time comes, and I stand up, I'm trembling, and I ask my question. :'''Rabbi Koslov''': And? :'''Ivanova''': He promptly said that it was the most foolish thing that he had ever heard, and that he had no intention of bandying words with a bourgeois little twit who was barely out of diapers. ''[Laughs]'' I was crushed. But then Papa stood up. And he said that his daughter was neither bourgeois, nor a little twit, and had been out of diapers for many, many years, while Kasharev's writings had yet to rise above the ''contents'' of those garments! :'''Rabbi Koslov''': That sounds exactly like Andrei! :'''Ivanova''': He then added that were he not a man of peace, he would have horsewhipped Kasharev through the streets of St. Petersburg, as his own father should have done many years ago! :'''Rabbi Koslov''': Bravo, bravo! :'''Ivanova''': Well, of course I was mortified. But then Papa took my hand and he turned, and as we walked out, he said to me: "It was a good question, dushenka." === [[w:Grail (Babylon 5)|Grail]] === :''[Sinclair watches Garibaldi wolf down his food.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': They say food tastes better if you ''chew'' it first. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Don't talk, I've seen you eat. Does the term "[[w:Doppler effect|Doppler effect]]" ring a bell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thomas "Jinxo" Jordan tells his story, and the story of the "Babylon Curse," to Aldous Gajic.]'' :'''Jinxo''': I was too young to fight in the Minbari War, so when I got the chance to work space construction, I jumped for it. The day I went to work on the Babylon Station–we didn't number them at first, you know–I thought that was the best day of my life! I worked a few months, had some leave, so I took it. And the station's infrastructure collapsed. Sabotaged. They never found out who. :'''Aldous Gajic''': I remember. :'''Jinxo''': So I went to work on the second one. The firm still owned my contract until the station was finished. I took leave a second time, and ''that'' station was sabotaged. And then when B3 blew up, well, that's when I got the name Jinxo. When I went to work on B4, I didn't take any leave! I was there every minute until we finished it. I thought the Curse was gone. But as I was leaving on the shuttle, I looked back…and the station just sort of…''wrinkled'', twisted like putty, and then just disappeared. The minute I left. So then when they decided to build B5, I had to work on it. And I have to stay. I have to! :'''Aldous''': I'd say that you have the wrong nickname. They should have called you Lucky! :'''Jinxo''': How do you figure? :'''Aldous''': To have escaped the worst each time, that's a blessing. You're a very lucky man. Perhaps each time, you were exactly where you were meant to be. :'''Jinxo''': ''[slowly smiling]'' I never thought of it like that. :'''Aldous''': We never do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn has offered to help Aldous in his search for the Holy Grail]'' :'''Jinxo''': That's really nice! I mean, with the war and all, I figured you folks would…well, you know. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': There are two castes of Minbari, the warrior caste and the religious caste. The warrior caste would not understand. It is not their way. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[slyly]'' So we will not tell them, and spare them the confusion. :'''Aldous''': These two sides of your culture, do they ever agree on anything? :'''Delenn''': ''[soberly]'' Yes. And when they do, it is a terrible thing. A terrible power, [[w:Earth-Minbari War|as recent events have shown us]]. Let us hope it never again happens in our lifetime. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sinclair''': We've confiscated the fake encounter suit. It's a pretty close match to your own, at least from the outside. :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': Why? :'''Sinclair''': Deuce wanted to make people think he had the Vorlons working for him. He figured it would add to his image and intimidate people. :'''Kosh''': Why? :'''Sinclair''': Well, after all, no one knows exactly what you look like. That makes some people a little nervous. :'''Kosh''': Good. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': There he goes–Jinx-…Thomas. :'''Sinclair''': Mm-hmm. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You never did tell me what you think about that curse. :'''Sinclair''': What curse? :'''Garibaldi''': You know. That bit about if he leaves Babylon 5, the same thing that happened to Babylons 1, 2, 3 and 4 would happen to us. :'''Sinclair''': Oh, that curse. You're not taking it seriously, are you? :'''Garibaldi''': Me? No, of course not. You? :'''Sinclair''': No. :'''Garibaldi''': So, how long until he hits jump? :'''Ivanova''': ''[working her console]'' Oh, right about…now! :''[the ship goes through the jump gate without incident]'' :'''Garibaldi''': No boom? :'''Sinclair''': ''[slightly disappointed]'' No boom. :'''Ivanova''': No boom ''today''. Boom tomorrow. There's ''always'' a boom tomorrow. :''[Sinclair and Garibaldi exchange an exasperated look and wander off.]'' :'''Ivanova''': What?! Look, somebody's got to have some damn perspective around here. Boom. Sooner or later. BOOM! {{hnote|Another foreshadowing of the station's ultimate end, though none of them specify the circumstances.}} === [[w:Eyes (Babylon 5)|Eyes]] === :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Protests are as much use with the Vorlons as fairy wings on a cement truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova confronts Psi Corps specialist Harriman Gray.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Mr. Gray. I'm grateful the Psi Corps has given you a purpose in life. ''[She looks him directly in the eye]'' But when that purpose includes scanning ''my mind'' to prove ''my loyalty'', it's not only an invasion of my privacy, but ''my honor!'' As for fear, if you enter my mind for any reason, I will ''twist'' your head off and use it for a ''chamber''pot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi enters the casino to find an angry, inebriated Ivanova mopping the floor with the patrons.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Are you gonna arrest me, Garibaldi? :'''Garibaldi''': No way! ''I'' wanna live to see the future. === [[w:Legacies (Babylon 5)|Legacies]] === :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': We've fought long enough. Maybe it's time we started talking to one another. Branmer's life was more significant than his battles. Let the warrior caste praise his courage in war, and let the rest praise him for what he truly was—a man of peace. :'''[[w:Neroon|Neroon]]''': You talk like a Minbari, Commander! Perhaps there was some ''small'' wisdom in letting your species survive. :'''Sinclair''': We like to think so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': There's nothing more annoying than Mr. Garibaldi when he's right. === [[w:A Voice in the Wilderness (Babylon_5)#Part_One|A Voice in the Wilderness]], Part 1 === :''[Sinclair comes upon Talia waiting for a tube car.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': Problem with the transport tube? :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': No, not really. It ''seems'' like every time I get into the tube, Mr. Garibaldi's there! It's like he knows! :'''Sinclair''': Talia, Mr. Garibaldi is many things, but he's ''not'' omniscient. :''[The tube opens, revealing a grinning Garibaldi, then closes again.]'' :'''Talia''': I think I'll take the stairs. :'''Sinclair''': I think I'll join you.{{hnote|The culmination of a running gag where every time Talia would board the tube, Garibaldi was indeed there before her.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Draal|Draal]]''': Quickly, what is the third principle of sentient life? :''[Delenn turns around and sees Draal.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Draal! :'''Draal''': Incorrect answer! The third principle of sentient life is the capacity for self-sacrifice: the conscious ability to override evolution and self-preservation for a cause, a friend, a loved one. It has been too long, Delenn. You have forgotten your training. Soon you will have forgotten all about your old friend Draal. :'''Delenn''': Not if I live to be a thousand and one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A survey shuttle limps back to ''Babylon 5'' after its second, near-fatal disaster.]'' :'''Dr. Tasaki''': Survey 1 to Babylon Control, we're clear. Returning to base. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Confirmed, Survey 1. Upon arrival, you ''will'' report for debriefing. ''[pauses]'' And just one more thing. On your trip back, I'd like you to take the time to learn the Babylon 5 mantra: "Ivanova…is always right. I will ''listen'' to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova…is God. And, if this ever happens again, Ivanova will ''personally'' rip your ''lungs'' out!" Babylon Control out. ''[sighs to herself]'' Civilians. ''[looks up]'' Just kidding about that God part. No offense. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo is cheering up Garibaldi with a tale.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': The next day, I woke up, I saw her in the light of day, sleeping against my arm, and I decided I would rather ''chew off'' my arm than wake her up. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Aw, that's sweet. :'''Londo''': No, no! She had a voice that could ''curdle'' fresh milk. "Londo!" "Yes, dear?" "Londo!" "Coming, my darling!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo to Garibaldi.]'' :'''Londo''': Now, I go to spread happiness to the rest of the station. It is a terrible responsibility but I have learned to live with it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo vents his frustrations over trying to understand humans to Delenn and Draal.]'' :'''Londo''': These Earthers! I try to find out as much as I can about them to try to make some sense of them, but it never seems to come together. :'''Delenn''': They do seem to be a mass of contradictions. :'''Londo''': Exactly my point! Here–six thousand years of recorded history, a history that includes remarkable composers, astonishing symphonies! But what is the one song that half of them sing to their children generation after generation? ::You put your right hand in, ::You put your right hand out. ::You put your whole self in, ::And you turn yourself about. ::You do the hokey-pokey, ::You give a little shout. ::That's what it's all about! :It doesn't mean anything! I have been studying it for seven days! I had the computer analyze it! I swear to you, it does not mean a thing! :'''Delenn''': We've come at a bad time, haven't we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair and Ivanova try to retrieve the machine-ensconced alien while the planet quakes around them.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Commander, we don't have a lot of time. We're cut off from the way we came in, we don't know if we can find another way back to the ship before we run out of air… :'''Sinclair''': We can't leave him like this! :'''Ivanova''': I know, I know. It's a Russian thing. When we're about to do something stupid, we like to catalog the full extent of our stupidity for future reference. === [[w:A Voice in the Wilderness (Babylon_5)#Part_Two|A Voice in the Wilderness]], Part 2 === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': The third principle of sentient life is its capacity for self-sacrifice, for a cause…a loved one…for a friend. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A conflict between Earth and Mars has Garibaldi, who grew up on Mars, at odds with an Earther barfly.]'' :'''Barfly''': Like my granddad used to say: "Nuke 'em till they glow, and shoot 'em in the dark!" That'll take care of them. Just like magic. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Magic? Want to see magic? I got a little magic trick for ya. I got a little magic that'll make you pass through the top of the bar! ''[grabs the barfly]'' :'''Barfly''': Hey! Leggo! :'''Garibaldi''': I'll need complete silence or I'll have to ask for another volunteer from the audience. Let's see, what was that magic word again? Shazam? ''[slams the barfly into the bar]'' No, that's not it. I'll tell you what, I'll go home and look at my books, then I'll come back. If you're still talking trash about killing Marsies, we'll try it again and again ''[slams him again]'' until we get it right, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Ambassador, do you really want to know what's going on down there right now? :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Yes, absolutely. :'''Ivanova''': Boom. Boom, boom, boom. Boom, boom. BOOM! Have a nice day. :''[She walks away with a smile, leaving Londo to stew.]'' :'''Londo''': Faugh! You can never get a straight answer from anyone around here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Captain Pierce of the EAS ''Hyperion'' and an alien ship trade ultimatums]'' :'''Ivanova''': Worst case of testosterone poisoning I've ever seen. === [[w:Babylon Squared|Babylon Squared]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Summoned, I come. In Valen's name, I take the place that has been prepared for me. I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey. We stand between the darkness and the light. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Major Krantz''': What if we take you with us? Put you on trial? :'''[[w:Zathras|Zathras]]''': Zathras not of this time. You take, Zathras die. You leave, Zathras die. Either way, it is bad for Zathras. === [[w:The Quality of Mercy (Babylon 5)|The Quality of Mercy]] === :''[Ivanova barges into Dr. Franklin's illicit free clinic. He is bent over a notepad, distracted.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': ''[not paying attention]'' You can start by removing your clothes. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Not without dinner and flowers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': I'm still waiting for an explanation, gentlemen. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Yes. And I'm prepared to give you one, Commander, as soon as the room stops spinning. :'''Sinclair''': This station creates gravity by rotation. It never stops spinning. :'''Londo''': Well, you begin to see my problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talia has been recruited to scan a convicted murderer before he undergoes his sentence of death of personality]'' :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': I don't want to do this again. I was inside a killer's mind before, on the Mars Colony. There's got to be another way. : . . . :'''Karl Edward Mueller''': So you're going to walk around in my head, eh? I'd think twice if I were you. Something might just jump out of the shadows and bite you. : . . . :''[during the scan, Talia is horrified by Mueller's memories of his victims]'' :'''Talia''': How many? …''How many?'' :'''Mueller''': How many worlds are there? How many banquets? How many flowers waiting to be harvested? How many new voices, waiting to be recruited into my choir? ''[…]'' The overture is just beginning… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talia tells Garibaldi what she saw in Mueller's mind]'' :'''Talia''': You once said you'd bet good money he'd killed before? You would not have lost. === [[w:Chrysalis (Babylon 5)|Chrysalis]] === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': But this…this, this, this is like… being ''nibbled'' to death by, uh…Pah! What are those Earth creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet…go "quack". :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': Cats. :'''Londo''': Cats! I'm being nibbled to death by ''cats''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo chats with Morden in the garden.]'' :'''Londo''': There comes a time when you look into the mirror, and you realize that what you see is all that you will ever be. Then you accept it, or you kill yourself. Or you stop looking into mirrors. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in a bar on the Zocalo, after EarthForce 1's destruction]'' :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': And so it begins. You have forgotten something, Commander. <hr width="50%"/> :''[speaking to his "associates"]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': Yes. I think he's ready.…Perfect for our needs.…No.…No. He suspects nothing.…When the time is right, Ambassador Mollari will do exactly as we wish.…Destiny is on ''our'' side. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''Sinclair''': Nothing's the same anymore. == Season 2: The Coming of Shadows == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. A self-contained world five miles long, located in neutral territory. A place of commerce and diplomacy for a quarter of a million humans and aliens. A shining beacon in space, all alone in the night. It was the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind… the year the Great War came upon us all. This is the story of the last of the Babylon stations. The year is 2259. The name of the place is ''Babylon 5''. === [[w:Points of Departure (Babylon 5)|Points of Departure]] === :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[voiceover]'' Status report, Lieutenant Commander Susan Ivanova recording. It is now eight days since the death of Earth Alliance President Luis Santiago, and five days since Commander Sinclair was recalled to Earth without explanation. And the whole place has gone straight to hell. :''[A transport tube opens to reveal Ivanova addressing a quartet of cowering humans and aliens.]'' :'''Ivanova''': And as far as I'm concerned, the transports can wait until the SUN EXPLODES! And if you're not happy with the seating arrangements, I will personally order your seats to be moved ''outside'', ''down'' the hall, ''across'' the station, and into the fusion reactor! Am I absolutely, perfectly clear on this? :''[As she leaves them to their bickering, she continues her narration about the chaos on the station after Sinclair's abrupt recall.]'' :'''Ivanova''': ''[voiceover]'' I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin tells Ivanova about Garibaldi's coma.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Well then, I'll say a prayer for him tonight. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': He's agnostic. :'''Ivanova''': Then I'll say half a prayer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova greets Babylon 5's new commanding officer and brings him up to speed.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': What's our status? :'''Ivanova''': The Chief of Security is in critical condition in MedLab. He thinks there's a conspiracy concerning the President's death. Ambassador G'Kar has mysteriously vanished, after two years we still don't know what Ambassador Kosh looks like inside his encounter suit, and Ambassador Delenn is in a cocoon. :'''Sheridan''': A cocoon? As in, a moth or a butterfly. :'''Ivanova''': Yes sir. ''[holds one hand at chin height]'' 'Bout yea high. :'''Sheridan''': Interesting place you have here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan's "good luck speech" upon taking command of Babylon 5]'' :'''Sheridan''': When I was 21, I visited Tibet. I went to see the new Dalai Lama. Uh, you do that sort of thing when you're 21 and the son of a diplomatic envoy. We had a simple dinner. Rice, raisins, carrots—steamed, not boiled—and green tea. When it was over, he looked at me and said, "Do you understand?" I said no, I didn't. "Good beginning," he said. "You'll be even better when you begin to understand what you do not understand." After reading some of your reports, I begin to understand what I don't understand about Babylon 5. But I couldn't wish for a more capable and skilled group of people to learn from. It was an early Earth President, Abraham Lincoln, who best described our current situation. He said… :''[he gets interrupted by a security alarm]'' : . . . :'''Sheridan''': ''[delivering the rest of his speech to an empty C&C]'' It was an early Earth president, Abraham Lincoln, who best described our situation. "The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise to the occasion. We cannot escape history. We will be remembered in spite of ourselves. The fiery trial through which we pass will light us down in honor or dishonor to the last generation. We shall nobly save or meanly lose our last, best hope of Earth." ''[He looks around with a satisfied smile.]'' Five minutes to spare. === [[w:Revelations (Babylon 5)|Revelations]] === :''[Londo rants before the Babylon 5 Advisory Council about the missing G'Kar and Delenn.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': There, you see! One ''deserts'' his post without any explanation, the other one picks the most breathtakingly inconvenient moment possible to explore new career options, like becoming a ''butterfly''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo finds Morden's suggestions of future attacks against the Narn entertaining.]'' :'''Londo''': Why don't you eliminate the entire Narn homeworld while you're at it? ''[chuckles]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': One thing at a time, Ambassador. One thing at a time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[waking up from his coma]'' Oh, God. I'm out of it for a few days, the whole place goes to hell! :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Well, I hope I can prove otherwise. Captain John Sheridan, your new CO. :'''Garibaldi''': I don't know you. :'''Sheridan''': No, but I think we'll get along just fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': ''[quoting [[William Butler Yeats|Yeats']] "Second Coming"]'' :: [[William Butler Yeats#centre-hold|Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold]]; :: Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world, :: The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere :: The ceremony of innocence is drowned; :: [[William Butler Yeats#rough-beast|And what rough beast]], its hour come round at last, :: Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born? === [[w:The Geometry of Shadows|The Geometry of Shadows]] === :''[A Technomage uses an illusion of a massive robotic creature to scare Vir away.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': ''[to the illusion]'' My name is Vir Cotto, diplomatic attache to ambassador Londo Mollari of the Centauri Republic! My name is Vir Cotto, diplomatic attache to ambassador Londo Mollari of the Centauri Republic! My name is… :'''Elric''': Stop program. ''[the illusion pauses, then vanishes]'' You don't frighten easily. :'''Vir''': I work for Ambassador Mollari. After a while, nothing bothers you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elric''': There is an old saying: "Do not try the patience of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin is treating Ivanova's broken foot.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': I can give you something for the pain… :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Oh, great. ''Now'' you can give me something for the pain. :'''Franklin''': What? :'''Ivanova''': Where were you when I was going through puberty? :''[He chuckles.]'' :'''Ivanova''': No, it's okay; I'll get used to it. If it gets too bad, I'll just…gnaw it off at the ankle. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elric''': We are dreamers, shapers, singers, and makers. We study the mysteries of laser and circuit, crystal and scanner, holographic demons and invocation of equations. These are the tools we employ, and we know many things. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Such as? :'''Elric''': The true secrets, the important things. Fourteen words to make someone fall in love with you forever. Seven words to make them go without pain. How to say good-bye to a friend who is dying. How to be poor. How to be rich. How to rediscover dreams when the world has stolen them. That is why we are going away—to preserve that knowledge. :'''Sheridan''': From what? :'''Elric''': There is a storm coming, a black and terrible storm. We would not have our knowledge lost or used to ill purpose. From this place we will launch ourselves into the stars. With luck, you will never see our kind again in your lifetime. I know you have your orders, Captain. Detain us if you wish. But I cannot tell you where we are going. I can only ask you to trust us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova has been kidnapped by the Green Drazi.]'' :'''Ivanova''': What does it take to get through to you? You're making a mistake of galactic proportions! Assaulting an Earth Alliance officer, attempting mass murder…! :'''Green Drazi''': Green must fight Purple. Purple must fight Green. Is no other way! :'''Ivanova''': Just my luck. I get stuck with a race that speaks only in macros. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova accidentally becomes the Green Drazi leader by grabbing the former leader's sash.]'' :'''Ivanova''': You're saying just because I'm ''holding'' this right now, ''I'm'' Green leader? But I'm human! :'''Former Drazi Leader''': Rules of combat older than contact with other races. Did not mention aliens. Rules change…caught up in committee. Not come through yet. :'''Ivanova''': Yeah, bureaucracy. Tell me about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Now if I may ask, does this torment end when you leave? Or am I going to have to spend the rest of my life paying for one little mistake? :'''Elric''': Oh, I'm afraid you're going to have to spend the rest of your life paying for your mistakes. Not this one of course, it's trivial, I have withdrawn the spell, but there will be others. :'''Londo''': What are you talking about? :'''Elric''': You are touched by darkness, Ambassador. I see it as a blemish that will grow with time. I could warn you of course, but you would not listen. I could kill you, but someone would take your place. So I do the only thing I can: I go. ''[starts to turn away, then turns back to Londo]'' Oh, I believe it was an endorsement you wanted? A word or two, a picture, to send to the folks back home, confirming that you have a destiny before you? :'''Londo''': Yes, it was just a thought, nothing more. :'''Elric''': Well, take this for what little it will profit you. As I look at you, Ambassador Mollari, I see a great hand ''reaching'' out of the stars. The hand is your hand. And I hear sounds - the sounds of billions of people calling your name. :'''Londo''': My followers? :'''Elric''': Your victims. === [[w:A Distant Star|A Distant Star]] === :''[Captain Jack Maynard of the ''Cortez'' has just met Delenn]'' :'''Capt. Maynard''': John! She's…Minbari? :'''Sheridan''': Mm-hmm. :'''Capt. Maynard''': Uh…but she doesn't look like one! I mean, she does, but…but she doesn't! I mean, what's the deal? :'''Sheridan''': We're still trying to figure that out. There's the story she told us, but then, the Minbari never tell you the ''whole'' truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin watches Ivanova as she storms off with his recovery-enhancing "food plan".]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Figures. All my life, I've fought against imperialism. Now, suddenly, I ''am'' the expanding Russian frontier. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': But with very nice borders. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I'll tell you one thing. If the primates that we came from had known that someday politicians would come out of the gene pool, they'd have stayed up in the trees and written evolution off as a bad idea! Hell, I always thought the opposable thumb was overrated! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': An old friend of mine once quoted me a ''[sic]''…ancient Egyptian blessing: God be between you and harm in all the empty places where you must walk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': I wish I had your…faith in the universe. I just don't see it sometimes. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Then I will tell you a great secret, Captain. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station, and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff. We are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. And as we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi is cooking bagna cauda for himself and Dr. Franklin.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Trust me, Doc, you are gonna love this! :'''Franklin''': I can feel my arteries hardening just being in the same room with it! === [[w:The Long Dark (Babylon 5 episode)|The Long Dark]] === :''[A wild, unkempt Lurker assails G'Kar with a confused sermon.]'' :'''Amis''': I have walked in the valley of th— :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Good! Keep on walking. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in the brig, Amis has a nightmare]'' :'''Amis''': Incoming! Incoming! Incoming! INCOMING! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': How long has he been like that? :'''Guard''': Couple hours now. :'''Amis''': To the walls. Get to the walls! :'''Guard''': Damn Lurkers. We oughta space all of them. :'''Garibaldi''': Hanson? :'''Amis''': Oh God. Stop them. Incoming. :'''Garibaldi''': Were you in [[w:Earth–Minbari War|the war]]? :'''Guard''': No, I missed it. :'''Garibaldi''': He didn't. :'''Guard''': How do you know? :'''Garibaldi''': ''[in a sad, manner-of-fact tone]'' I've had that same dream. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amis''': ''[after waking up in the brig]'' Oh, God. What did I do this time? :'''Garibaldi''': You don't remember? :'''Amis''': Well, I've found that life is, in general, much easier if I forget most of the things that happen to me. :'''Garibaldi''': You were about to accuse the Centauri ambassador of being in league with the devil…which may not be far from the truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi and Sheridan consider the dessicated body from a failed [[w:Cryogenics|cryogenic]] tube.]'' :'''Garibaldi''': Lousy way to die, huh? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Hmm. Last time I checked, there weren't too many good ways. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Newly unfrozen traveller Mariah Cirrus meets G'Kar.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Take my advice and go back to the time you came from. The future isn't what it used to be. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alien Council member''': Evil sometimes wears a pleasant face. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Ivanova close in on an invisible, ravenous alien.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You got a plan? :'''Sheridan''': Let's try not to get ''killed''. :'''Ivanova''': Brilliant. === [[w:A Spider in the Web|A Spider in the Web]] === :''[Sheridan sends Ivanova to resolve a problem, then sighs to himself.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Ah, it's good to be the captain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Well, my pop always said that laughter was better than pills for what ails you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You know how I feel about telepaths. :'''Sheridan''': Do I ever. You threw one out a third-story window on Io. :'''Ivanova''': There was an ample pool below the window! :'''Sheridan''': I'll assume you knew that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': Telepaths are gifted and cursed in ways I can never hope to understand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': There is a spider in the web, Mr. Garibaldi. And I intend to find it and kill it. === [[w:Soul Mates|Soul Mates]] === :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': ''[Practicing his greetings to Londo's wives]'' It is a ''pleasure'' to meet you. It is a pleasure to ''meet'' you! It is a pleasure to meet ''you''. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[Notices Vir talking to himself and approaches] '' Gonna introduce me, Vir? :'''Vir''': You must think I look odd right now... ''[an alien passes by with Garibaldi staring]''. :'''Garibaldi''': Well, I guess it's a little relative... ''[referring to the alien's strange appearance]'' :'''Vir''': Actually, it's ''relatives''. I'm here to pick up some women. :'''Garibaldi''': You'll have more luck at bars. :'''Vir''': No, I… :'''Garibaldi''': Just kidding. :''[Vir laughs]'' :'''Garibaldi''': So, who are these women? Diplomats? :'''Vir''': Oh, Ambassador Mollari's three wives. :'''Garibaldi''': Whoa! A harem! The lucky dog. ''[a Centauri woman walks in]'' :'''Timov''': Are you Vir?! :'''Vir''': Yes! :'''Timov''': I am Timov, daughter of Alguhl. You will take me to my husband. :'''Vir''': I was told there'd be three of you… :'''Timov''': ''[Looks at Garibaldi]'' Who is this? :'''Vir''': Uhh… :'''Timov''': No never mind. I said you'd take me. Is your hearing deficient? :'''Vir''': No, but I do have a… :'''Timov''': Then let's be off! ''[Walks away]'' :'''Vir''': It ''is'' a pleasure to meet you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talia gets wind of a new arrival on the station.]'' :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': Stoner? Matt Stoner? :'''Garibaldi''': Yeah, yeah, that was his name. Matthew. :'''Talia''': He's not here on Babylon 5? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Is that a problem? :''[Talia sighs and nods her head "yes."]'' :'''Garibaldi''': You know him? :'''Talia''': Only in the most unpleasant sense. I was married to him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': He drags me out here, gives me no reason why he wants to see me! What's he hiding, Vir? Tell me! I won't bite, Vir. :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': With all due respect, madam, that's not what I heard. :'''Timov''': All right, that one time. :'''Vir''': It was twice. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': Daggair! My, what a surprise! :'''Daggair''': A pleasant one? :'''Timov''': I wouldn't go ''that'' far. :'''Vir''': Madame Daggair, my pardons! This is unconscionable! I was at customs. I don't know how I could have missed you! :'''Timov''': Believe me Vir, if you knew her as well as I do, you wouldn't miss her a bit. :'''Daggair''': Oh, Timov, Timov, why do you always try to draw me into your little verbal fencing matches? :'''Timov''': Because I don't have a real sword handy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vir''': Can I get you anything? :'''Timov''': Yes!! You can get me out of here! Who does Londo think he is, keeping us sitting about? :'''Daggair''': He probably thinks he's our husband. And we, as dutiful wives, must await his return. Is that not right, Vir? :'''Vir''': Well, actually— :'''Timov''': You are joking, Daggair! :'''Daggair''': Your problem, Timov, is that you've never known your place. :'''Timov''': My place?! You once threatened to break a vase over his head! :'''Daggair''': Well, haha, that was the impetuousness of youth. :'''Timov''': That was last month! Daggair, what are you playing at? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[enters room]'' Well, well, here you are! :'''Timov''': And here '''you''' are finally, where have you been?!! :'''Londo''': Affairs of state my dear. :'''Timov''': State of inebriation, I wager. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn struggles with her new hair.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Commander, I want you to understand. I acquired human characteristics to bring your people and mine closer together! To symbolize our mutuality! It is supposed to be a dignified, inspiring transition for both humans and Minbari, so will you please explain to me why this, this, this… :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Hair. :'''Delenn''': …refuses to cooperate?! ''[Ivanova gets a little closer.]'' I had no problems with it at first, but as time passed it… :'''Ivanova''': ''[feels Delenn's hair]'' It's…pretty brittle. What are you washing it with? :'''Delenn''': Washing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': The secret of our marriage's success, Londo, is our lack of communication. You have jeopardized that success and I would know why! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timov''': You knew about this you knew!!! :'''Daggair''': I was caught completely unawares, I assure you! ''[To Londo]'' Petulant isn't she? Well, breeding will tell. :'''Timov''': Ha! A '''bitch''' like you would know about breeding. ''[Daggair barely chokes down her drink, then stares daggers at Timov]'' :'''Londo''': ''[Smiling widely]'' Ladies, ladies, please…Continue! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo warns Captain Sheridan about Mariel.]'' :'''Londo''': On Earth you have these creatures–insects attracted to flames? :'''Sheridan''': Uh, yes. Moths. They're drawn to flames and bright lights and get burned. :'''Londo''': Mariel is drawn to men of power in that same way. But trust me. ''She'' burns ''them!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daggair''': Let's let Londo decide that. :'''Mariel''': ''[Referring to Daggair and herself]'' The both of us? Together??? :'''Daggair''': If it pleases Londo, it pleases me. :'''Londo''': No, this isn't right. Timov should be here too! :'''Timov''': Did you seriously expect me to become involved in your sexual Olympics? :'''Londo''': They're merely expressing their feelings for me. :'''Timov''': I can do that. ''[She slaps Londo on the face…hard]'' :'''Londo''': You haven't changed. :'''Timov''': You have. You've devolved! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo awakes from a coma.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Are you okay? Londo, do you know where you are? :'''Londo''': ''[looks around and sees his wives]'' Either in Medlab, or in Hell. Either way, the decor needs work. :'''Daggair''': Oh, Doctor Franklin! Thank you for saving our husband! You've done the Centauri a great service! :'''Mariel''': I agree. It's so good to see you with us again, Londo! :'''Londo''': Well, that settles it, Doctor! I am in hell! And what, not a word from you, Timov? Not an insincere word of relief? Not a blink of false concern for my well-being? :'''Timov''': No. If you'll excuse me, I'll be in my quarters. I'm suddenly feeling…quite fatigued. ''[She leaves.]'' :'''Mariel''': Yes, I think I will do the same. ''[She leaves, followed by Daggair.]'' :'''Londo''': Augh. Nightmares, all of them! And Timov, the worst of the lot! :'''Franklin''': Ambassador Mollari, do you mind if I make one personal observation? :'''Londo''': No, not at all. :'''Franklin''': Stick it. ''[He walks off.]'' :'''Londo''': ''[to himself]'' How odd. And I didn't even know we were married. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar and Mariel just discussed Mariel's part in the attempted assassination of Mollari.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': I warn you Mariel, do not be overconfident. If I was married to Londo Mollari I'd be concerned. :'''Mariel''': G'Kar, if ''you'' were married to Londo, we'd all be concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo chooses to keep Timov as his wife and divorce the two others.]'' :'''Timov''': Why did you choose to keep me as your wife and not them? I've made no pretense of affection for you, I find your recent actions contemptible, I'll never love you, at best I'll tolerate you, and I'll never be what you want me to be. Why me? :'''Londo''': Because with you, I will always know where I stand. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': Taking on human characteristics has been something of an education for both of us! :'''Ivanova''': Well, if you have any other problems, any other questions at all, just ask! ''[They step into a transport tube.]'' :'''Delenn''': Well…now that you mention it…do you have any idea why I suddenly started getting these…odd cramps? === [[w:A Race Through Dark Places|A Race Through Dark Places]] === :''[Sheridan complains to a bemused Franklin about the "bean counters" trying to charge him rent for his quarters.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': They nibble a little bit here, a little bit there—next thing you know, you're not even in charge of your own ''command'' anymore! :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': No taxation without representation. [[Patrick Henry#liberty|Give me liberty or give me death!]] :'''Sheridan''': Abso-fraggin'-lutely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan has been invited to dinner by Delenn.]'' :'''Sheridan''': One day they're shooting at you, the next day they're taking you out to dinner. Ha! What a universe! <hr width="50%"/> :''Bester informs Sheridan, Ivanova, and Garibaldi that rogue telepaths are using Babylon 5 as a transfer point to escape, and requests their help in apprehending them.'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|Sheridan]] to Garibaldi''': Well, you've been pretty quiet. Is he right, or isn't he? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Garibaldi]]''': Technically? Yeah, I suppose. We're obliged to uphold the laws of Earth Alliance. It doesn't mean we have to like it. And if there is some kind of illegitimate travel going through here, it's a threat to station security and we have to know about it. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Ivanova]]''': Come on, Garibaldi. You can't tell me you agree with this. You want to help them? :'''Garibaldi''': Want, agree, that has nothing to do with it. The law is the law. It's damn ironic, isn't it? The Corps got started because we were afraid of telepaths, now they're victims of our own fears. We took away every right they had and shoved them into a big black box called Psi Corps. Now look at them. Black uniforms, jackboots, giving orders. Some days they scare the hell out of me. :'''Sheridan''': Yeah, if you ask me we created our own monster. And maybe we deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn meets Sheridan for dinner, dressed in a stylish [[w:little black dress|little black dress]].]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I apologize for being late, Captain. I decided that as part of learning more about humans, I would try to dress like one tonight. I hope it does not offend you. :'''Sheridan''': No, no, not at all! It's…very attractive! Uh, please! ''[He helps her to her seat, but as he does, he notices a diner at the next table staring rudely.]'' Something I can do for you? ''[The man turns back to his meal.]'' :'''Delenn''': It appears my choice was successful. The woman who sold me this told me that I would definitely…"turn heads"? :'''Sheridan''': ''[laughing]'' Yeah, well, if they turned much further, you'd be sued for whiplash! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Ivanova are camping in his office due to being locked out of their quarters]'' :'''Sheridan''': How many Minbari does it take to screw in a light bulb? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I don't know, sir. How many Minbari ''does'' it take to screw in a light bulb? :'''Sheridan''': None. They always surrender right before they finish the job and they never tell you why. :''[Ivanova groans, Sheridan smiles.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Knock, knock. :'''Ivanova''': Who's there? :'''Sheridan''': Kosh. :'''Ivanova''': Kosh who? :'''Sheridan''': Gesundheit. ''[snickers]'' I thought that was a good one. :'''Ivanova''': Were you like this when you were married? :'''Sheridan''': Huh? Yeah. :'''Ivanova''': The woman was a saint. : . . . :''[the next night]'' :'''Ivanova''': Captain, I'd like to note two things for the record. :'''Sheridan''': Yes, Commander? :'''Ivanova''': Item One: I don't think this protest is gonna work. Earth Central never gives in when it comes to money. But if you're determined to keep at it, I'm prepared to do the same. Item Two: You snore. :'''Sheridan''': No, I don't! :'''Ivanova''': Yes, you do! :'''Sheridan''': No, I don't! :'''Ivanova''': Captain, either you snore, or last night we had a ''hell'' of a breach in the hull. I get dibs on the couch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester addresses the command staff after an attempt on his life by rogue telepaths.]'' :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': They must be getting desperate to try something like this. They know we're onto them. Why else would they try to kill me? :'''Ivanova''': Is this a multiple-choice question? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': Would it interest you to know that I'm married, Mr. Garibaldi? That I have a five-year-old daughter? That on Sundays when I'm back home, we pack a picnic lunch and go out under the dome on Syria Planum and watch the stars come out? Hardly the description of a monster. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[applauds sarcastically]'' Smooth! You're getting good at this. Keep working on it, and one of these days I might even be convinced that you're human. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after tricking Bester into thinking he's killed the rogue telepaths, Talia speaks with the rogues' leader]'' :'''Leader''': You know you can't go back again. :'''[[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]]''': I can't leave the Corps. They'll come after me. :'''Leader''': No, I mean in here! ''[points to his head]'' You know too much. If Bester scans you, he'll…Can you keep him out? :'''Talia''': I think so. Jason's little gift. :'''Leader''': He gave you more than you know. What we did back there, it shouldn't have worked. Not with that Psi Cop. You tipped the balance. I felt it when we were joined. You're more than you think you are. :'''Talia''': Then what am I? :'''Leader''': The future. === [[w:The Coming of Shadows|The Coming of Shadows]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': So you are going to allow this? Even over my objections? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': What, did I somehow turn invisible or something? Yes, Ambassador. The Emperor is allowed to come aboard. Now, if this bothers you, I suggest you stay in your quarters, stick your fingers in your ears, and hum ''real loud'' until it's over! Unless you'd like to try something as breathtakingly rational as trying to open up a ''dialog''? G'Kar, you are in a position to directly negotiate with the head of the Centauri Republic, and you are wasting it on a tantrum! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Centauri Emperor Turhan talks to Captain Sheridan about their paths in life.]'' :'''[[w:Turhan|Emperor Turhan]]''': Why are you here, in this place, in that uniform? Was it your choice or were you pressed into service? :'''Sheridan''': It was my choice. The planetary draft didn't start until the war, a few years later. I guess I wanted to serve something that was bigger than I was. Make a difference, somewhere, somehow. You seem interested in why people chose to be here. :'''Turhan''': It has occurred to me recently that I have never chosen anything. I was born into a role that was prepared for me. I did everything I was asked to do because it never occurred to me to choose otherwise. And now, at the end of my life, I wonder what might have been. :'''Sheridan''': That's why my father taught me to live each second as though it were the last moment of my life. He said, "If you love, love without reservation. If you fight, fight without fear." He called it "the way of the warrior." :'''Turhan''': No regrets then? :'''Sheridan''': A few. But just a few. You? :'''Turhan''': Oh, enough to fill a lifetime. So much has been lost, so much forgotten. So much ''pain'', so much ''blood''. And for what, I wonder? The past tempts us, the present confuses us, and the future frightens us. And our lives slip away, moment by moment, lost in that vast terrible in-between. But there is still time to seize that one last, fragile moment. To choose something better, to make a difference, as you say. And I intend to do just that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': I was ready. I had prepared myself, I had made my peace with the universe, put all my affairs in order. I had the dagger in my hand! And he has the ''indecency'' to start dying on his own! Never in my life have I seen a worse case of timing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin brings a message from the ill Emperor to G'Kar, who had planned to kill the Centauri leader.]'' :'''G'Kar''': How ''is'' the poor fellow? I was ''so'' looking forward to meeting him and opening up…a ''dialog''. : . . . :''[Franklin relays the Emperor's message.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': He said…"We're ''wrong''. The hatred between our people can never end until ''someone'' is willing to say, 'I'm sorry'. And try and find a way to make things right again, to atone for our actions." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi receives a recorded message from former boss Jeffrey Sinclair.]'' :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': There's a great darkness coming, Michael. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emperor Turhan''': I would very much like to have seen a Vorlon. :''[he closes his eyes; when he reopens them, Kosh is standing over him]'' :'''Emperor Turhan''': How will this end? :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': In fire.{{hnote|Foreshadows Babylon 5's eventual destruction.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[relaying the Emperor's "last words"]'' He said…"Continue. Take my people back…to the stars." : . . . :''[outside Medlab, after the Emperor's death]'' :'''[[w:Antono Refa|Lord Antono Refa]]''': Mollari, what did he say? Really? :'''Londo''': He said…"You are both damned." :'''Lord Refa''': Well, it's a small enough price to pay for immortality. === [[w:Gropos|Gropos]] === :'''General Richard Franklin''': ''[meeting Garibaldi]'' I had an Alfredo Garibaldi under my command during the Dilgar invasion. Excellent soldier! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': ''[smiles proudly]'' That was my dad. :'''Gen. Franklin''': ''[unimpressed]'' So much for genetics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Dr. Stephen Franklin]]''': I'm a doctor! My duty is to heal! :'''Gen. Franklin''': Then heal ''humans!'' Stephen, I know you're fascinated by these alien creatures, but they're a threat to humanity. And they always will be. Help your own kind! :'''Dr. Franklin''': Life is life, whether it's wrapped in skin, scales, or feathers! Now if you ''respected'' these beings instead of constantly trying to ''murder'' them, you'd appreciate that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': We are all slaves to our histories. If there is to be a…bright future, we must learn to break those chains. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': There's only one truth about war: people ''die''. Killing is part of a soldier's job—we can't deny it. We can only live with it and hope the reasons for doing it are justified. === [[w:All Alone in the Night|All Alone in the Night]] === :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Being asked to serve on the Council is a matter of soul, not of flesh. The change you've gone through, it shouldn't matter. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': But it does, Lennier. I made a decision, and now I must face the consequences. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New Grey Council member Neroon confronts Delenn.]'' :'''[[w:Neroon|Neroon]]''': You are an ''affront'' to the purity of our race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Strieb ship, Sheridan has a strange dream about ''Babylon 5'' and some of its denizens.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Dream Ivanova #1]]''': Do you know who I am? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Dream Garibaldi]]''': The man in-between is searching for you. :'''Dream Ivanova #2''': You are the hand. :''[Sheridan turns to see Kosh.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Why are you ''here''? :'''[[w:Kosh|Dream Kosh]]''': We were never away. For the first time, your mind is quiet enough to hear me. :'''Sheridan''': Why am I ''here''? :'''Dream Kosh''': You have ''always'' been here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back on Babylon 5, Sheridan encounters Kosh.]'' :'''Kosh''': You have ''always'' been here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan asks Hague why he trusts him with his secret effort to investigate the new Earth government.]'' :'''General Hague''': A soldier's record tells a lot about a person. Not just what he's done, but how he's done it and why. And you have an uncommon failing for someone in your position, Captain. You're a ''patriot''. You believe as I do that when we put on this uniform, we took a solemn vow to ''protect'' Earth against threats from outside ''and'' from within. ''[…]'' Your cooperation is essential, if we're going to take back our government. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan asks his staff if they want in on the conspiracy.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Hey, I never did know when to butt out. We're with you, Captain. Wherever this goes, however it ends, we're with you. === [[w:Acts of Sacrifice|Acts of Sacrifice]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I was there when our war against Earth began, when our ship encountered an Earth vessel for the first time. Afraid of us, of the unknown, they fired. I saw our leader dying. I heard the cries for revenge, for ''blood'', for ''death''. In return we nearly exterminated an entire species. My people are tired of war, G'Kar! <!-- INCLUDED FOR [[w:Acts of Sacrifice]] REFERENCE --> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Franklin takes exception to the Lumati's disdain for medical treatment of the infirm.]'' :'''Correlilmerzon [through Taq]''': It does not serve evolution. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Well, my job isn't ''serving'' evolution — it's serving ''humanity'', even when the patient isn't human. :'''Correlilmerzon [through Taq]''': Yes, but what happens when the inferior, saved from the process of natural selection, begin to outnumber the superior? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You know, I think we should all be moving on by now… :'''Franklin''': I don't believe that ''any'' form of sentient life is inferior to any other. :'''Correlilmerzon [through Taq]''': Yes. We often hear that argument from inferior species and their sympathizers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan asks Delenn for help in providing covert assistance to Narn civilians without the approval of EarthGov.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': …Ambassador, I've learned the hard way that governments deal in matters of convenience, not conscience. If they fall behind, it is up to the rest of ''us'' to make up the difference. If ''we'' don't, who ''will''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ambassador Correlilmerzon insists on sex to cement the Earth-Lumati alliance. Ivanova does a bizarre song and dance which she claims is human-style sex.]'' :'''Susan Ivanova''': :: Boom! Shabba-labba-labba. :: Boom! Shabba-labba-labba. :: Hey there, hey there, three bags full! :: You come here often? Yes! I do! :: . . . :: I ''slept'' with you the other night. :: You didn't call, you didn't write! :: I think you did it just for SPITE! :: Oh! Yes… oh, yes! Oh, YES! OH! YES! :: Tell me about your portfolio! :: Oh, YES! YES! YES! YES! :: Lie to me about your family… :: . . . :''[She finishes with a shriek and a compliment.]'' :'''Correlilmerzon''': What do I do now? :'''Ivanova''': Old style, you roll over and go to bed. New style, you go out for pizza, I never see you again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova gets a parting gift and note from Correlilmerzon.]'' :'''Sheridan''': What's it say? :'''Ivanova''': "Next time…my way." :'''Sheridan''': Commander, is there something you'd like to tell me? === [[w:Hunter, Prey|Hunter, Prey]] === :''[During the search for Dr. Jacobs in Down Below, Franklin and Garibaldi muse about disappointed expectations.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Maybe somebody should've labelled the future "some assembly required". <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Are we just toys to you? Huh? What do you want? :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': Never ask that question! :'''Sheridan''': At least I got a response out of you. So what'll it be, Ambassador? :'''Kosh''': I will teach you. :'''Sheridan''': About yourself? :'''Kosh''': About you. Until you are ready. :'''Sheridan''': For what? :'''Kosh''': To fight legends. === [[w:There All the Honor Lies|There All the Honor Lies]] === :''[Ivanova rants about EarthGov's decision to sell ''B5'' merchandise.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Welcome to Babylon 5, the last, best hope for a quick buck! :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Commander— :'''Ivanova''': Oh, this is demeaning! I mean, we're not some…some deep-space franchise! This station is ''about'' something. {{hnote|A tongue-in-cheek allusion to the incessant comparisons between 'Babylon 5' and another space-station-based SF TV series, 'Star Trek: Deep Space 9'. - And, as JMS himself, commenting 'Severed Dreams', puts it: 'Babylon 5 is about making decisions, and making choices, and taking the consequences for those choices.' }} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Guinevere Corey interrupts the questioning of Minbari witness Ashan.]'' :'''Guinevere Corey''': May I ask what you were discussing here? :'''Sheridan''': The only thing that matters—the truth. :'''Guinevere Corey''': Ah, yes. The favorite song of the legally ignorant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo sputters outrage over a B5 Emporium "Londo Mollari" doll.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': It's a mockery! It doesn't even have any, uh…attributes. :'''Sheridan''': Attributes? :'''Londo''': Do I have to ''spell'' it out for you? :''[Londo gestures downward. Ivanova and Sheridan stare at Londo, then at each other.]'' :'''Sheridan, Ivanova''': Ohh! :'''Ivanova''': I see. So you feel like you're being symbolically cas…t in a bad light. :'''Sheridan''': Well put. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': I—I never thought there could be anything worse than being all alone in the night. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': But there is. Being all alone in a crowd. : . . . :'''Delenn''': In the service of their clan, they're ready to sacrifice everything–their individuality, their blood, their life. :'''Sheridan''': Their honor? Oh, we've had plenty of that ourselves. Conspiracies of silence, because the ''larger'' ideals have to be protected. But you can't have larger ideals if the ''smaller'' ones get compromised. It's like building a house without a foundation, Delenn—it can't stand! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ashan''': We are not responsible. It was the leaders of our clan who decided to act without asking the Council or anyone else in the government–not ''us''. Yes, it was foolish— :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': No, not foolish. It was ''tragic''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo goads a hung-over Vir.]'' :'''Londo''': Good, Vir—you're sobering up! I can see the synapses beginning to ''fire'' behind your eyes! A frightening sight, I might add. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova hands Sheridan a teddy bear from the new gift shop.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Ba-Bear-lon 5? Oh, he's a cute one. ''[Notices the initials on the shirt.]'' J.S.? :'''Ivanova''': John Sheridan. :'''Sheridan''': Oh, this is supposed to be me? ''[Suddenly turns grim.]'' I want it off my station. I want 'em ''all'' off my station. I want the whole place yanked out, boxed up, and shipped out by 0800 tomorrow. Is that clear? :'''Ivanova''': I'll get right on it. :'''Sheridan''': Oh, and…''[Takes the bear.]'' :… :''[Warren Keffer responds to a report of a [[w:UFO|UFO]] outside the station.]'' :'''C&C''': Babylon Control to Zeta-One. Any trace of that unidentified object? :'''[[w:Warren Keffer|Warren Keffer]]''': Negative, Babylon Control. I don't see a… :''[Said teddy bear hits his Starfury's viewport for a moment before drifting away again.]'' :'''C&C''': Zeta-One, have you encountered unidentified object? Can you describe it? :'''Keffer''': Negative, Babylon Control. I don't think so. Not on a bet. Heading back to the barn. === [[w:And Now For a Word|And Now For a Word]] === :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': You know, what the folks back home don't understand—the ones who've never left Earth—is just how dangerous space can be. Aside from incidents like this, just the everyday reality of living your days and nights in a big tin can surrounded by a vacuum. I remember my first time on a transport on the Moon-Mars run. I was just a kid, maybe 17. A buddy of mine was messing around and zipping through the halls. And he hid in one of the airlocks. I don't know, I guess he was going to try to scare us or something. I don't know. But just as I got close, he must have hit the wrong button, because the air doors slammed shut, the space doors, opened, and he just flew out into space. And the one thing they never tell you is that you don't die instantly in vacuum. He just hung there, against the black, like a puppet with his strings all tangled up—or like one of those old cartoons where you run off the edge of a cliff and your legs keep going. You could see that he was trying to breathe, but there was nothing! And one thing I remember when they pulled in his body—his eyes were frozen. ''[long pause]'' A lot of people make jokes about spacing somebody, about shoving somebody out an airlock. I don't think it's funny. Never will. <hr width="50%"/> :''[ISN reporter Cynthia Torqueman interviews G'Kar about the old Narn-Centauri war.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': My family lived in G'Kamazad, one of the larger cities on Narn. My father…"served" in a Centauri household during the last years of the rebellion. I was barely a pouchling at the time. My mother was ill, unable to escape through the underground, so we all stayed. It was a difficult time. We were striking deep into Centauri resources. Things were tense. One day my father spilled a cup of hot jala on the mistress of the house and…and she had him killed. They took him out, tied his hands together, and hung him from a jalwah tree for three days. I came to him the last night, against my mother's orders, and he looked down at me. He said he was proud, and to go and fight, and be all the things he never was. Then he died. The next morning I ran away and killed my first Centauri. :'''Cynthia Torqueman''': Why do you think they invaded back then? :'''G'Kar''': Why does ''any'' advanced civilization seek to destroy a less-advanced one? Because the land is strategically valuable, because there are resources that can be cultivated and exploited, but most of all…simply because they ''can''. You have experienced much the same on your own world. There are humans for whom the words "never again" carry special meaning. As they do for us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[various answers to Torqueman's final question: "Given the danger, at the end of the day…is it worth it?"]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Absolutely. Sure, when things get tense out here, we have to be careful. Our search of the Centauri vessels we captured proved that they were bringing in weapons of mass destruction, offloading them outside the station, and sending them on to the front lines. Now that we know that, we can make sure it doesn't happen any more. We learn. It's what humans do. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Misunderstandings aside, yes! I definitely think it's worth it. We must simply work harder to make sure we communicate with one another to prevent this sort of tragic situation from ever happening again! A violent attack by Narn forces is an unacceptable response to a peaceful protest by my government. And with the intervention of Earth, perhaps we can keep them from making a similar mistake in the future. :'''G'Kar''': I don't know any more. I used to think so, but now… :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Yes. :'''Delenn''': Of course it is. For the simple reason that no one else would ever build a place like this. Humans share one unique quality: They build communities. If the Narns or Centauri or any other race built a station like this, it would be used only by their own people. But everywhere humans go, they create communities out of diverse and sometimes hostile populations. It is a great gift, and a terrible responsibility—one that cannot be abandoned. :'''Senator Quantrell''': ''Well''…I guess we'll just have to see…won't we? :'''Franklin''': All right, Med 2—go, go! Look, if we weren't here right now, half the people in this room would be dead! Now ''that'' should be a good enough answer for anyone. :'''Eduardo Delvientos''': Sure! What, are you kidding? I have a retirement pension to make, you know? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Yes. But not for any of the reasons that you've probably been told. The job of Babylon 5 is not to enforce the peace. It's to create the peace. And this place was built on the assumption that we could work out our problems and build a better future. And that, to me, is the key issue. See, in the last few years, we've stumbled. We stumbled at the death of the President, the war, and on and on. And when you stumble a lot, you…you start looking at your feet. Well, we have to make people…lift their eyes back to the horizon, and see the line of ancestors behind us, saying, "Make my life have meaning." And to our inheritors before us, saying, "Create the world we will live in." I mean, w-we're not just…holding jobs and having dinner. We are in the process of building the future. That's what Babylon 5 is all about. === [[w:In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum|In the Shadow of Z'ha'dum]] === :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': If restoring the Centauri Republic means nothing to you, what does? What do ''you'' want? :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ''ten'' generations that some favors come with too high a price. I would gaze up into your lifeless eyes and wave, like this. :''[He gives Morden a mockingly cheerful finger waggle.]'' :'''Vir''': Can you and your associates arrange this for me, Mr. Morden? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin tells Ivanova what he sees when a patient dies.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': And then, just at the last, it's as if they look past you at something else, and the look on their face, it's like ''nothing'' you can describe. And then, just as they look past you—the ''moment'' that they look past you—you can't help but meet their gaze and ''just'' for an instant, you see ''God'' reflected in their eyes. ''[pauses]'' I've seen a lot of reflected gods today, Susan. And I'm wondering how we can keep believing in them, when they've stopped believing in us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You ever studied ancient history? 20th century, World War II? :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Well…not really. ''[grins]'' I always used to fall asleep in history class. :'''Sheridan''': The Germans had a secret code they used for all their important messages. It was called "[[w:Enigma machine|Enigma]]". What they didn't know was that the British had cracked the code. One day, [[Winston Churchill|Churchill's]] people intercepted a message authorizing the bombing of a city named [[w:Coventry#20th century|Coventry]]. Now, if they evacuated Coventry, the Germans would know their code had been broken, and switch to another system. If that happened, it could cost the [[w:Allies of World War II|Allies]] the entire war. If they didn't evacuate the city, hundreds of innocent men, women, and children would die. {{hnote| On DVD, JMS comments: '...there is some debate over Coventry, whether or not Churchill knew ahead of the time. Some say he did, some say he didn't.' }} :'''Zack''': So, what happened? :'''Sheridan''': They kept the secret. There was no evacuation. And on November 14, 1940, Coventry was destroyed. The dead were… piled up like cordwood! I—I've seen newsreels of Churchill visiting the ruins a few days later. And you can just see it in his eyes, the knowledge of what he'd done. Dark, haunted. All these years I've never been able to get that image out of my head. :'''Zack''': Well, I'm glad it's a decision I don't have to make. I don't think I could live with myself. How many lives is a secret worth? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die. :'''Sheridan''': Then I die. But I will ''not'' go down easily, and I will ''not'' go down alone. {{hnote|Foreshadowing of the events of the season 3 finale.}} === [[w:Knives (Babylon 5)|Knives]] === :''[Londo tells Vir about his friendship with Urza Jaddo.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': In dueling societies, it is customary for each member to be given a fighting name by his comrades! They said I fought like a crazed leati, and so they called me ''Paso Leati''! Urza was known as ''Skal Tura''—the silent beast! Those were great times, Vir! We were young, proud, fierce, bursting to prove ourselves to each other and to the world. Our starships ruled the spaceways, and our power was rivaled by that of the gods only! Ah, Great Maker, it was good to be a Centauri then! :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': Every generation of Centauri mourns for the golden days when their power was like unto the gods! It—it's counterproductive! I mean, why make history if you fail to learn by it? :'''Londo''': You know, Vir, you have what the Earthers call a negative personality. :'''Vir''': No, I don't. :'''Londo''': There, you see? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I once saw an entire chorus line of purple wombats doing showtunes in my bathtub. Of course, I was pretty drunk at the time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Well, anyone willing to command Babylon 5 has got to be slightly insane, but I don't think that you're ready for the asylum just yet. : . . . :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I prefer to be only slightly insane. :'''Garibaldi''': Don't we all. <hr width="50%"/> <!-- order? the following is actually in the '. . .' of above --> :'''Vir''': Londo, this is insane! :'''Londo''': Insanity is part of the times. You must learn to embrace the madness. Let it fire you. === [[w:Confessions and Lamentations|Confessions and Lamentations]] === :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Something here doesn't add up, and unlike Mr. Garibaldi, I don't like mysteries. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': They are in pain. Frightened. Dying. Minbari are taught that at such a time, the afflicted should be ministered to, comforted. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': They're not your own people, Delenn! :'''Delenn''': I didn't know that similarity was required for the exercise of compassion. They are afraid. We wish to do what little we can. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Just before Delenn and Lennier enter the quarantine zone…]'' :'''Delenn''': Do not look away, Captain. All life is transitory. A dream. We all come together in the same place at the end of time. If I don't see you again here, I will see you in a little while, in the place where no shadows fall. :'''Sheridan''': W—Delenn! ''[She stops and looks back.]'' When I do see you again…call me John? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': She has separated from her mother. Please find her. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': ''[looks around, somewhat lost]'' How? :'''Delenn''': ''[to Lennier]'' Faith manages. :'''Delenn''': ''[turning to Markab girl]'' What is her name? :'''Markab Girl''': Mama. :''[Delenn turns and looks at Lennier again]'' :'''Lennier''': Faith manages. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lazarenn''': ''[dying]'' I'm sorry, old friend. I don't think I can stay any longer. Will you give my love to… <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the isolation zone is reopened and all the Markab are found dead]'' :'''Delenn''': John…John… :''[she falls on his shoulder, broken and crying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': What happens next time? :'''Delenn''': What happens? What happens is that we honor the memory of those who are no longer with us by using what we have learned to save others. To exercise faith and patience and charity. To reach out to those who are afraid. If we can do that, then their passing will have had meaning and we will grow from it. === [[w:Divided Loyalties|Divided Loyalties]] === :''[At a ''Universe Today'' vendor station, Delenn haughtily dismisses humans' fascination with the press.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Back home, when there is something you need to know, you are told ''just'' what you require and no more. : . . . :'''Delenn''': … Minbari respect the privacy of others by not ''prying'' into their affairs. To express ''undue'' curiosity— :'''Newsvendor Computer''': Unable to insert "Eye on Minbari" section. Do you wish to accept edition anyway? :'''Delenn''': Uh… yes, yes I do. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': "Eye on Minbari"? :'''Delenn''': It is good to know what your people are thinking and saying about ''my'' people. And, uh…''[grins]'' I often learn things about my own world ''before'' I'm told "what I need to know and no more". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta has tested all high- and medium-ranking station personnel — but one — for the traitor's psychic trigger.]'' :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': The further you go from the center of power, the less likely it is we're going to find the person that we're looking for. :''[She pointedly turns and looks at Ivanova.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I suggest you move those eyes somewhere else…while you still have them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta pays Kosh a visit.]'' :'''Lyta''': I'm back. I can't stay. The Captain's made sure I can get away before the Psi Cops get here, but—I had to see you again, before my ship leaves. I never told them. I never told anyone. I hid it all away in the smallest, tiniest corner of my mind. They could've killed me and they still wouldn't have found it! Only at night, alone, would I open that small door in my mind where I kept the memory of you and listen to your voice—listen to you sing me to sleep. I hope I can come back again, but I don't know. Until then—Kosh—I want to see you again, just one more time before I go. :''[Kosh's suit opens, and Lyta is bathed in bright white light.]'' === [[w:The Long, Twilight Struggle|The Long, Twilight Struggle]] === :''[Londo learns of Refa's plan to use mass drivers to assault the Narn homeworld.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Mass drivers? They have been outlawed by every civilized planet! :'''[[w:Antono Refa|Lord Antono Refa]]''': These are uncivilized times. :'''Londo''': We have treaties! :'''Lord Refa''': Ink on a page! <hr width="50%"/> <span id="conspiracy-of-light"></span> :''[Draal tells Delenn and Sheridan about what he's discovered using the [[w:Great Machine|Great Machine]].]'' :'''Draal''': Since taking up residence in the heart of this machine, I have explored its secrets, learned, and discovered that I can look into distant worlds, see and hear things you cannot begin to imagine! Along the way, I've learned some things about you, Captain! The loss of your wife—I know Delenn has told you about the coming darkness. And lately I've learned about your role in, shall we say, a "conspiracy of light" aimed at your own government? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I don't know what you're talking about. :'''Draal''': Yes, you do! Please, Captain, don't worry. Your secret is safe with me. They would have to dig down three miles into the surface of this planet to learn what I know, and no one who tried would survive the attempt! And now I have seen enough! I said a year ago that this place was to be left alone until the time was right. That time has arrived. Now that I know the full capabilities of this place, I am prepared to place them at your disposal! :'''Sheridan''': Are you proposing an alliance? :'''Draal''': One of the first! There will be more to come. This has been a hard and trying year for you, Captain Sheridan. It might be helpful for you to know that you are not alone, and that in the long, twilight struggle which lies ahead of us, there is the possibility of hope. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the Narn surrender, Londo demands that "Citizen" G'Kar be removed from further Council meetings. G'Kar rises to go.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': No dictator…no invader…can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever. There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power, governments and tyrants and armies cannot stand. The Centauri learned this lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Though it take a thousand years, ''we will be free''. === [[w:Comes the Inquisitor|Comes the Inquisitor]] === :''[Sebastian, the Vorlons' Inquisitor, surveys the Zocalo]'' :'''Sebastian''': Nothing changes. Corruption, immorality, chaos. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a grueling interrogation of Delenn, Sebastian turns his attention on Sheridan]'' :'''Sebastian''': You said you didn't have to answer any of my questions. But there's no reason to exclude you from our deliberations. You're linked at the hip, just as bad as she is. But you're not just a dreamer. You're a soldier! How far are you prepared to go? How much are you prepared to risk? How many people are you prepared to sacrifice for victory? Are you willing to die friendless, alone, deserted by everyone? Because that's what may be required of you in the war that is to come! :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Go to Hell! :'''Sebastian''': This ''is'' Hell, Captain, and you are its chief damned soul. What about the people you work with, the people you call friends? Are you willing to sacrifice ''them?'' What about your ''family?'' ''[He zaps Sheridan with his cane.]'' What about your ''God?'' ''[Another zap.]'' What about ''truth?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''blood?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''right?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''wrong?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about your ''future?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''faith?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''sin?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''Hell?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''death?'' ''[Zap.]'' What about ''etern''… :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': '''ENOUGH!''' Your quarrel is with ''me!'' You were sent to investigate ''me!'' Let him go! If you want to ''take'' someone, then take ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': If I fall, another will take my place, and another, and another. :'''Sebastian''': But your great cause! :'''Delenn''': This is my cause--Life! One life or a billion, it's all the same! :'''Sebastian''': Then you make the sacrifice willingly? No fame. No armies or banners or cities to celebrate your name. You will die alone and unremarked and forgotten. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': This body is only a shell. You cannot touch me, you cannot harm me. I'm not afraid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Delenn offers to sacrifice herself for Sheridan, who's being tortured by Sebastian]'' :'''Sebastian''': You can go. You've passed, both of you. :'''Delenn''': Passed what? :'''Sebastian''': How do you know the Chosen Ones? "No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his brother." Not for millions…not for glory…not for fame. For one person, in the dark, where no one will ever know or see. I have been in the service of the Vorlons for centuries, looking for you. Diogenes with his lamp, looking for an honest man willing to die for all the wrong reasons. At last, my job is finished. Yours is just beginning. When the darkness comes, know this: You are the right people, in the right place, at the right time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': Mr…Sebastian, I did a little digging, based on what you told me. The records confirm you lived on Earth in the year 1888. The records also indicate that you vanished, suddenly, without a trace on November 11th, 1888. That's a very interesting date, Mr. Sebastian. The morning after the last of a string of murders in the East End. :'''Sebastian''': The city was drowning in decay. Chaos. Immorality. A message needed to be sent, etched in blood for all the world to see. A warning. In the pursuit of my holy cause, I…did things. Terrible things. Unspeakable things. The world condemned me, but it didn't matter because I believed I was right and the world was wrong. I believed I was the divine messenger. I believed I was… :'''Sheridan''': Chosen? :'''Sebastian''': ''[after a pause]'' I was…found by the Vorlons. They showed me the terrible depth of my mistake, my crimes, my…''presumption''. I have done four hundred years of penance and service, a job for which they said I was ideally suited. Now, perhaps, they will finally let me die. :'''Sheridan''': I think that might be wise. :'''Sebastian''': ''[turning to board a Vorlon transport]'' Good luck to you in your holy cause, Captain Sheridan. May your choices have better results than mine. Remembered not as a messenger, remembered not as a reformer, not as a prophet, not as a hero…not even as Sebastian. Remembered only…as [[w:Jack the Ripper|Jack]]. === [[w:The Fall of Night|The Fall of Night]] === :''[At a bar on the Zocalo]'' :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Sometimes I get so close, and yet it seems I'm shut out of the important things. :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': It's a useless feeling! The ambassador is definitely going through some changes. He even looks different! :'''Lennier''': Indeed! And now with the military starting to stampede over everyone and everything… :'''Vir''': People coming and going and secret meetings! :'''Lennier''': You never know what it's all about. Until later, when it's too late. :'''Vir''': And they never listen to us. :'''Vir, Lennier''': ''[in unison]'' Makes me nervous! :''[They turn and look at each other, then back to the bar again]'' :'''Vir''': Same time tomorrow? :'''Lennier''': Sure. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keffer is describing a Shadow vessel to a fellow pilot, who has seen the same thing.]'' :'''Lt. Warren Keffer''': It was jet black. A shade of black so deep your eye just kinda slides off it. And it shimmered when you looked at it. A spider big as death and twice as ugly. And when it flies past, it's like you hear a scream in your mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lantze surprises the ''B5'' staff with the true purpose of his visit.]'' :'''Frederick Lantze''': I'm here to sign a non-aggression treaty with the Centauri. Before I leave here, there will be an Earth-Centauri alliance that will guarantee peace for Earth. We will, at last, know [[w:Peace in our time|peace in our time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan is told that the Joint Chiefs have ordered him to apologize to the Centauri.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I suppose this…''apology'' is already written? :'''Mr. Welles''': No need. You can phrase the apology any way you see fit. As with everything else, it's the thought that counts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan practices his apology to the Centauri government before a mirror.]'' :'''Sheridan''': I apologize. I'm…sorry. ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry we had to ''defend'' ourselves against an unwarranted attack. I'm sorry that your crew was '''stupid''' enough to fire on a station filled with a quarter million civilians, including your own people. And I'm sorry I waited as long as I did before I blew them all straight to hell! ''[pauses]'' As with everything else, it's the ''thought'' that counts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': It was the end of the Earth year 2259, and the war was upon us. As anticipated, a few days after the Earth-Centauri treaty was announced, the Centauri widened their war to include many of the Non-Aligned Worlds. And there was another war brewing closer to home. A personal one whose cost would be higher than any of us could imagine. We came to this place because Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace. By the end of 2259, we knew that it had failed. But in so doing, it became something greater. As the war expanded, it became our last, best hope for ''victory''. Because sometimes peace is another word for surrender…and because secrets have a way of getting out. :''[ISN news shows Lt. Keffer's recordings of a [[w:Shadow (Babylon 5)|Shadow]] vessel]'' :'''Newscaster''': When our ship encountered a distress beacon attached to an EarthForce recording device, these images, released exclusively to ISN, were found on that recording. Strategic analysts in Earth Dome have indicated they don't know who this new race might be, but promise to find out. == Season 3: Point of No Return == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': The Babylon Project was our last, best hope for peace. It failed. But in the year of the [[w:Shadow War|Shadow War]], it became something greater: our last, best hope…for victory. The year is 2260. The place, ''Babylon 5''. === [[w:Matters of Honor|Matters of Honor]] === :''[Sheridan approaches Kosh to thank him for saving his life.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You've been back and forth to your homeworld so many times since you got here, how do I know you're the same Vorlon? Inside that Encounter Suit you could be anyone. :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': I have always been here. :'''Sheridan''': Oh yeah? You said that about me too. :'''Kosh''': Yes. :'''Sheridan''': ''[slightly unnerved]'' I really hate it when you do that. :'''Kosh''': Good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova chides Sheridan on his impatience over an arriving VIP on a mysterious mission.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Leave it to you to try and take all the fun out of life. I mean, come on, where's your sense of mystery, of adventure? :'''Sheridan''': Are you trying to cheer me up? :'''Ivanova''': No, sir! Wouldn't dream of it. :'''Sheridan''': Good! I hate being cheered up. It's…depressing. :'''Ivanova''': So, in that case…we're all going to die horrible, painful, lingering deaths. :'''Sheridan''': Thank you. I feel ''so'' much better now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova preempts Sheridan's belated revelation of the [[w:Ranger (Babylon 5)|Rangers]] by detailing what he was going to say.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Captain, the day something happens around here and I ''don't'' know about it, worry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus shows off a brand-new ship to Sheridan and Ivanova.]'' :'''Sheridan''': My God! It's beautiful! :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Her name is the ''White Star''. And she's yours, Captain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Endawi, EarthForce Intelligence''': This is quite irregular, Mr. Garibaldi! I was assured that Captain Sheridan or Commander Ivanova would be available! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': They got called away on urgent business. :'''Endawi''': What kind of business? :'''Garibaldi''': I'm not authorized for that kind of information. :'''Endawi''': But…you're the head of Security. :'''Garibaldi''': And what kind of head of Security would I be if I let people like ''me'' know things that I'm not supposed to know? [I mean,] I know what ''I'' know because I ''have'' to know it, and if I ''don't'' have to know it, I don't tell ''me'', and I don't let anyone else tell me, either. Now look, we've tried most of the other ambassadors. Why don't you speak to G'Kar? Maybe he knows something about this ship. :'''Endawi''': Under the terms of our recent treaty, I am not authorized to have any official conversation with the Narn without Centauri approval. :'''Garibaldi''': So you'll ask ''unofficially''. And I can give you reasonable assurances that the head of Security will ''not'' report you for doing so. :'''Endawi''': ''[slowly]'' Because you won't tell yourself about it. :'''Garibaldi''': I try never to get involved in my own life. Too much trouble. :'''Endawi''': ''[confused]'' This is a very strange place you have here, Mr. Garibaldi. :'''Garibaldi''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The White Star is fleeing a Shadow ship in hyperspace, and Sheridan has an idea for beating it.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Tell me, Commander…have you ever wondered what would happen if you opened a jump point while inside a jump gate? :'''Ivanova''': No! And neither should you! EarthForce experimented with the idea during the Minbari War. They called it the Bonehead Maneuver. ''[to Lennier]'' No offense. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': ''[more curious than offended]'' None taken. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clandestine trio on Earth consider the premature leak of a Shadow ship sighting.]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': Your government can dismiss this as an isolated incident. :'''Psi Cop''': I don't know. There's something about this idea of a threat to planetary security I find very appealing. As long as we keep the real truth to ourselves, there's no reason we can't use this situation to speed up the program here at home. === [[w:Convictions (Babylon 5)|Convictions]] === :''[Drazi missionaries ask a distracted Garibaldi about the recent sighting of their holy figure Droshalla.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Zack, do me a favor and explain the [[w:Missionary position|missionary, uh… position]] to these folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lennier is in the arrivals area, stuck between two humans--one drunk, one sleeping on his shoulder.]'' :'''Drunk''': I said "Sheila," "Sheila," I says, "you change that vid channel one more time and I'm outta here, you got it?" Well, she did, I did, and here I am! You shoulda seen the look on her face, let me tell you! But it's great! I get to meet all kinds of people! I mean, look! Me sitting next to you, a Minbari! You know, us in that war and all. But I don't hold a grudge, no sir! You know what? I say live and let live! You know, look, I got hair, you got a bone! So where you goin'? :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Home. I have been diagnosed with Netter's Syndrome. Since I have only seven days to live, I thought I would return home to put my affairs in order before the end. :'''Drunk''': Netter's Syndrome? I've had a few syndromes, but I've never heard of that one. :'''Lennier''': Neither had I. Apparently it's spread by physical contact. :''[The drunk realizes he's still got Lennier by the shoulder.]'' :'''Drunk''': Uh, I gotta make a call. ''[He gets up and walks away, while the sleeping human rolls off of Lennier's shoulder.]'' :'''Lennier''': ''[to himself]'' I will do penance later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo and G'Kar are about to be pulled out of a bombed-out transport tube]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': There, you see? I'm going to live! :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': So it would seem. Well, it ''is'' an imperfect universe. :'''Londo''': Bastard. :'''G'Kar''': Monster. :'''Londo''': Fanatic! :'''G'Kar''': Murderer! :'''Londo''': You are insane! :'''G'Kar''': And that is why we'll win. :'''Londo''': "Go be the ambassador to Babylon 5," they say. "It will be an easy assignment!" I hate my life. :'''G'Kar''': So do I. :'''Londo''': ''Shut! Up!'' === [[w:A Day in the Strife|A Day in the Strife]] === :''[Ivanova passes the alien questionnaire results to Corwin.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Check these figures again, make sure they came through the translator okay. I don't want to get killed because of a typo. It'd be embarrassing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': If I live through this job without ''completely'' losing my mind, it will be a miracle of biblical proportions! :'''David Corwin''': Well, there goes ''my'' faith in the Almighty. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan reunites with Ta'Lon, the Narn whose life he saved when [[Babylon 5#All Alone in the Night|both were held captive aboard a Streib ship]]]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I don't know what my superiors would say if I started showing up everywhere with a Narn bodyguard. :'''Ta'Lon''': They will say, "Here is a man who will live to be a hundred and fifty!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': If I stay here, your families are in jeopardy. Is anything more important than their safety? :'''Narn''': Yes. Their freedom. It's better to die in the cause of freedom than to live in comfort as a slave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ta'Lon''': I carry my sword in my hand. You carry yours in your heart and in your mind. As I see it, that gives you a two-to-one advantage in arms. Be fair, Citizen G'Kar. === [[w:Passing Through Gethsemane|Passing Through Gethsemane]] === :''[opening lines: Cmdr. Ivanova and Brother Edward watch their seniors, Capt. Sheridan and Brother Theo respectively, play chess]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': You realize this is an extremely dangerous situation. :'''Brother Edward''': He's been through much worse. :'''Ivanova''': I think he's doomed. :'''Brother Edward''': Not a chance. :'''Ivanova''': Care to put money on that? :'''Brother Edward''': Gambling is one of the lesser sins. I've always thought if you're going to sin, you may as well go for one of the really big ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[in conference with Sheridan, Ivanova, and Franklin, Garibaldi offers his take on Lyta's return]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Nobody's ever been to the Vorlon Homeworld and back again. Yet she goes, comes back like she just took a trip to the corner store. And now she's working for Kosh. Is anybody else as creeped out about this as I am? :''[the three others all raise their hands]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Lyta Alexander! As I live and breathe… :'''Lyta''': I suggest you remove your hand, Ambassador, or you won't be doing either for much longer. : . . . :'''Londo''': Lyta, I understand the Psi Corps is looking for you. I would hate very much for them to find you. :'''Lyta''': So would I. Because I'm not ''with'' the Corps anymore. That means I'm not bound by their rules! ''[She gets right in his face.]'' So if someone ''were'' to turn me in, I'd find him. And before they took me, I'd plant a nightmare deep in his mind where no one else could find or remove it. And that person would spend every night for the rest of his life…screaming! :''[she turns around and walks away]'' :'''Londo''': Fine! And keep your threats to yourself! ''[to himself]'' Nightmares. Hmph! The way my life has been going lately, who'd notice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Theo tends to the mortally wounded Edward after getting him down from a makeshift cross]'' :'''Brother Edward''': Is there enough forgiveness for what I've done? :'''Brother Theo''': Always, Edward, always. Take my hand. ''[Edward fumbles, and Theo takes his hand.]'' Through the mysteries of our redemption, may Almighty God release you from all punishments in this life and in the life to come. ''[Sheridan joins them, a look of dismay on his face as he realizes what's going on.]'' May He open to you the gates of Paradise and welcome you to everlasting joy. Father, look with compassion on Your servant Edward, who has trusted in Your promises. Welcome him to Your Kingdom in peace. By the authority which the Apostolic See has given me, I grant you a full pardon and remission of all your sins. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. === [[w:Voices of Authority|Voices of Authority]] === :''[Zack complains about his uniform to an exasperated Garibaldi.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': I look like I'm wearing a circus tent! Any minute now, a little teeny car with 16 clowns in it is gonna come flying out my butt! :''[Garibaldi's link beeps.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Garibaldi's Fashion Express. Go. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Draal''': ''[addressing the command staff]'' Good afternoon, everyone! Captain, Delenn tells me that you're going to try contacting the First Ones. It is a magnificent idea—a daring and splendid idea! In doing so, you will see things no human has ever seen before! It will be…fun! Assuming you're not ''vaporized'', ''dissected'', or otherwise killed in an assortment of supremely horrible and painful ways! Exciting, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over dinner, new Babylon 5 "political officer" Julie Musante asks Sheridan about "lurkers".]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': It's our version of the homeless. In many ways, we have the same problem Earth does. :'''Julie Musante''': Mmm. Earth doesn't have homeless. :'''Sheridan''': Excuse me? :'''Musante''': We don't have the problem. Yes, there are some "displaced" people, here and there, but, uh… they've ''chosen'' to be in that position. They're either ''lazy'', or they're criminal, or they're mentally unstable. :'''Sheridan''': They can't get a job! :'''Musante''': EarthGov has promised a job to anyone that wants one. So, if someone doesn't have a job, they must not ''want'' one. : . . . :''[Musante runs down a list of all the social problems EarthGov has suddenly solved.]'' :'''Sheridan''': And, uh w-when exactly did all this happen? :'''Musante''': When we rewrote the dictionary. : . . . :'''Sheridan''': You can't deal with the problems by pretending they don't exist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[using the Great Machine, Ivanova "overhears" a conversation from the past]'' :'''Vice-President Clark''': I have wanted Santiago dead for so long…I wasn't sure we could really pull it off. You're sure it's done? :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': EarthForce 1 will never return from Io. The power is now yours, Clark. Mister…President. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova holographically observes Sheridan being seduced by Julie Musante]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Good luck, Captain. I think you're about to go where…[[w:Where no man has gone before|everyone has gone before]]. {{hnote|A riff on Star Trek's famous tagline: 'where no man [one] has gone before'.}} === [[w:Dust to Dust (Babylon 5)|Dust to Dust]] === :''[The "conspiracy of light" worries about exposure by Bester.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': And after that, there are only two options. He turns us in, we're court-martialled, then shot for treason. Or we kill him, before he has a chance to tell anybody. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': I will not support murder. We can ''not'' kill him. :'''Ivanova''': Can we wound him? Just a little? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester loudly disclaims any prior knowledge of the [[w:Talia Winters|Talia Winters]] debacle.]'' :'''Bester''': On the other hand, we learned some interesting things about Miss Winters, in the course of her debriefing and dissec—that is, examination. : . . . :''[Bester, agreeing to take a psi-suppressing drug, sneers at the command staff's distrust.]'' :'''Bester''': I'm here to save your butts! Next time, show a little ''gratitude''. :''[He leaves.]'' :'''Franklin''': On the other hand, maybe wounding him isn't such a bad idea after all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester confronts Garibaldi about his insulting comments.]'' :'''Bester''': My blood is the same color as yours, and what I do, I do to protect Earth, same as you. You don't like how I do it, that's your prerogative. But there are things going on out there that you know nothing about. Threats to the human race that no one ever hears about — because ''we'' stop them. There's dangers all around us! And whether you like us or not, we may be all that stands between you and the abyss. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': If I had my talent working, I could've warned you when he was coming. :'''Garibaldi''': And if I had a baseball bat, we could hang you from the ceiling and play piñata. I still think I should've gone straight to G'Kar. :'''Bester''': We have no evidence that he made the sale yet. Why annoy the Narn without cause if we are wrong? Shut off the problem at the source and the rest attends to itself. A piñata, huh? So you think of me as something bright and cheerful, full of toys and candy for young children. Thank you. That makes me feel…much better about our relationship. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo rephrases Vir's report on the Minbari to make them look bad, to Vir's horror.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': They are ''deeply'' spiritual people! :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Yes, now ''that'' you can leave in. It always scares people. === [[w:Exogenesis (Babylon 5)|Exogenesis]] === :''[Marcus and Garibaldi argue over Lurkers]'' :'''Marcus''': Well thank you, Mr. Garibaldi, one of the leading minds of the 14th century. "Have we no workhouses? Have we no prisons?" Mr. Marley here'd like to have a word with you! He's the fellow in the chains! Ignore the moans, it's just gas! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Don't you ever shut up? :'''Marcus''': Not until I get what I want. Why? Do you think silent meditation would work better? :'''Garibaldi''': Ivanova was right. You ''are'' a pain in the ass. === [[w:Messages from Earth|Messages from Earth]] === :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': You know, I've been stuck in this tin can for three years. I haven't taken a vacation—okay, okay, it's my fault, I had the leave coming, I just didn't take it. And the pay sucks, I knew ''that'' when I signed on! And nobody said I'd survive the job! Now, I give you all that. But where in my contract does it say that I have to eat the same food for breakfast every day for three years? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': ''[matter-of-fact]'' Paragraph 47, Subsection 19, Clause 9A. You can find it in the index under S.U.A.E.I. :'''Garibaldi''': S.U…A.E.I.? :'''Sheridan, [[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[in unison]'' Shut Up And Eat It. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines: Sheridan turns on ISN]'' :'''ISN Anchor''': And to confirm earlier reports, President Clark has signed a decree today declaring martial law throughout Earth Central, citing threats to planetary security. He is expected to provide information to support this action at a closed meeting of the full Earth Senate tomorrow. We repeat, '''Earth is now under martial law'''. === [[w:Point of No Return (Babylon 5)|Point of No Return]] === :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I thought the purpose of filing these reports was to provide accurate intelligence! :'''Mollari''': Vir, intelligence has nothing to do with politics! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lady Morella''': What we are about to say is for your ears only, Ambassador Mollari. We will not repeat it to others in the Royal Court, and suggest you do the same. If it comes out, we will deny this conversation ever took place. :'''Londo''': Of course. :'''Morella''': You have a chance few others will ever have, Mollari. You still have three opportunities to avoid the fire that waits for you at the end of your journey. You have already wasted two others. You must save the eye that does not see. You must not kill the one who is already dead. And at the last, you must surrender yourself to your greatest fear, knowing that it will destroy you. Now if you have failed all the others, that is your final chance for redemption. :'''Londo''': I…don't understand! :'''Morella''': The future reveals itself only reluctantly, Ambassador. Take the sign for what it is. Look for it when it appears! :'''Londo''': I will. Thank you! :'''Morella''': One more thing. You will be Emperor. That part of your destiny cannot be avoided. :'''Londo''': I see. :'''Morella''': ''[to Vir]'' You will also be Emperor. :''[Vir starts laughing.]'' :'''Morella''': Why are you laughing? :'''Vir''': I…I thought you were joking! :'''Morella''': We do not joke in the face of prophecy, Vir. :'''Londo''': Lady Morella, please! We cannot both be Emperor! :'''Morella''': Correct. One of you will become Emperor after the other is dead. That is all we see and all we wish to see. === [[w:Severed Dreams|Severed Dreams]] === :''[after his ship, the EAS ''Alexander'', destroys the Clark-loyal EAS ''Clarkstown'']'' :'''Maj. Ed Ryan''': That's what makes this war different from anything we have ever gone through before. This time, we know everyone we kill. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn speaks to the Council.]'' :'''Delenn''': Three years. For three years, I warned you this day was coming. But you would not listen. "Pride," you said! "Presumption!" And now the Shadows are on the move. The Centauri and the younger worlds are at war, the Narns have fallen…even the humans are fighting one another. The ''pride'' was ''yours''! The ''presumption'' was yours! For a thousand years, we have been awaiting the fulfillment of prophecy. And when it finally happens, ''you'' scorn it—''you'' reject it—because you no longer believe it yourselves! :''[She confronts one of the Grey Council directly.]'' :'''Delenn''': "We stand between the candle and the star, between the darkness and the light." You say the words, but your hearts are empty—your ears closed to the truth! You stand for nothing but your own petty interests! :''[She confronts a second Grey Council member.]'' :'''Delenn''': "The problems of others are not our concern." I do not blame you for standing silent in your shame. You, who knew what was coming, but refused to take up the burden of this war! If the Warrior Caste will not fight, then the rest of us will! :''[Now she confronts the leader, the one who carries the staff.]'' :'''Delenn''': If the Council has lost its way, if it will not ''lead''…if we have ''abandoned'' our covenant with ''Valen''…! ''[Grabs the leader's staff and raises it over her head.]'' Then the Council should be ''broken''…''[She snaps the staff in two and throws both halves to the floor.]'' …as was prophesied! We ''must'' stand with the others—now, before it's too late! Between the Worker Caste and the Religious Caste, we control two-thirds of our forces! And to you I say, ''listen'' to the voice of your conscience! ''Break'' the Council, and come with me! Our time of isolation is over! We move now, together, or not at all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan addresses the entire station before the battle.]'' :'''Sheridan''': May I have your attention, please? In the last few hours, we have learned that warships are coming this way from Earth. Their orders are to seize command of Babylon 5 by force. As commanding officer and military governor of Babylon 5, I cannot allow this to happen. President Clark has violated the Earth Alliance Constitution by dissolving the Senate, declaring martial law, and personally ordering the bombing of civilian targets on the Mars Colony. He is personally responsible for the deaths of hundreds of innocent people. Following these attacks, Orion 7 and Proxima 3 have broken away from the Earth Alliance and declared independence. Babylon 5 now joins with them! ''As of this moment'', Babylon 5 is seceding from the Earth Alliance! We will remain an independent state until President Clark is removed from office! At the end of this current crisis, anyone who wishes to leave for Earth is free to do so. Meanwhile, for your own safety, I urge everyone to stay in your quarters until this is over. That is all. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the immediate danger is cleared.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Damage report. :'''David Corwin''': Damage to all sectors. They're still fighting in Brown Sector. :'''Sheridan''': Get some more troops down there. Hull integrity? :'''Corwin''': Not good. EVA teams en route. It's a good thing this stopped when it did. We couldn't take much more. ''[Jumpgate alarm goes off.]'' Oh, no! :''[Outside, the jumpgate opens and three more Clark-loyal ships come through]'' :'''Captain Drake, EarthForce''': This is Captain Drake to Babylon 5. You are ordered to surrender and prepare to be boarded, by order of President Clark. :''[Another alarm goes off in C&C]'' :'''Corwin''': Captain…jump points forming right on top of us! :'''Sheridan''': ''[deflated]'' How many? :'''Corwin''': Four! :''[The jump points produce three Minbari war cruisers and the ''White Star'', with Delenn in the captain's chair]'' :'''Delenn''': This is Ambassador Delenn of the Minbari. Babylon 5 is under our protection. ''Withdraw''…or be destroyed! :'''Drake''': Negative. We have authority here. Do not force us to engage your ship. :'''Delenn''': Why not? Only one human captain has ever survived battle with a Minbari fleet. ''He'' is behind me. ''You'' are in front of me. If you value your lives, '''be somewhere else'''. :''[the Clark-loyal ships take the hint and retreat to hyperspace]'' === [[w:Ceremonies of Light and Dark|Ceremonies of Light and Dark]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Prophecy is a poor guide to the future. You only understand it when the event's already upon you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A funeral service for the pilots killed in the battle for Babylon 5]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': In breaking away from Earth, we have begun a difficult and uncertain journey, and none of us can see its end. But our cause remains a just one. That truth honors and sanctifies our fallen comrades who have made the ultimate sacrifice so that we might carry on the work that is ahead of us. We are gathered here today to honor their memory and their names. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Hamilton. Rodriguez. Spinelli. Singh. Osterman. Massey. Cooper. Kim. Indari. Nagashima. Lietz. Mankowski. ''[as she reads the names, a line of torpedoes files out of the docking ring, watched over by a squadron of Starfuries]'' :'''Sheridan''': From the stars we came. To the stars we return, from now until the end of time. We therefore commit these bodies to the deep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo insists that Refa discontinue his association with Morden's "associates".]'' :'''[[w:Antono Refa|Lord Antono Refa]]''': You walked away from the greatest power I have ever seen! And now you expect me to do the same? They are the ''key'' to my eventual rise to the throne! Why would I abandon them? :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Because I have asked you. Because your loyalty to our people should be greater than your ambition. And because I have poisoned your drink. :''[Lord Refa looks in astonishment at Londo]'': :'''Londo''': Yes…and it is very ''interesting'' poison. It comes in two parts. Both are harmless on their own. But when combined…quite lethal. The first settles into the bloodstream, and the intestinal walls. It stays there for years. Silent…dormant…waiting. When the other half of the poison enters your system the two meet, have a little party in your cardiovascular system…and suddenly? You. Are. Quite. Dead. Your drink contained the first half of the poison. :'''Refa''': Why? Why did you do this? :'''Londo''': To guarantee your cooperation! And because sooner or later, you would do it to me! Yes, we are returning to the old ways, Refa, and poison was always the instrument of choice in the old Republic. Being something of a sentimentalist, I got here first. :'''Refa''': What do you want me to do? :'''Londo''': You have encouraged that fool Cartagia to attack worlds that have no value to us. You will now encourage him otherwise. You will bolster our lines of defense around Centauri Prime. And you will have nothing more to do with Mr. Morden. If you do not comply, one of my agents in the royal palace will introduce you to the second half of the poison. :''[he raises his glass and grins]'' :'''Londo''': To your health, Lord Refa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus squeezes information out of a reluctant lurker.]'' :'''Marcus''': You see? It's like I've always said: "You can get more with a kind word and a two-by-four than you can with just a kind word." :: paraphrased from [[Al Capone]], <small>"You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."</small> <hr width=50%/> :''[as part of a rebirth ceremony, the command staff leave their Earthforce uniforms by Delenn's hospital bed and tell her a secret they have never revealed before]'' :'''Sheridan''': When you were hurt, when you were in my arms, I was ready to kill that guy with my bare hands. I realized I have never told you how much I cared about you, how much you mean to me. I think it's time you knew that. I can no longer imagine my world without you in it. I don't know exactly when or how it happened. But I'm glad it did. :'''Garibaldi''': No one knows, but…I'm afraid all the time…what I might do if I let go. :'''Ivanova''': I think I…''loved''…[[w:Talia Winters|Talia]]. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin (Babylon 5)|Dr. Stephen Franklin]]''': I…think I have a problem. === [[w:Sic Transit Vir|Sic Transit Vir]] === :''[Sheridan is inviting Delenn to dinner in his quarters]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You know, every time that I have seen you lately, we've been in the middle of a crisis! A revolution! I mean, this is the first time in months that it's been this quiet! It won't last. It never does. But as long as it's here…I'd like to see you tonight. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Are you not seeing me now? I would assume that you see me every time we meet. Unless I have become translucent, or insubstantial, and no one has thought to inform me until now. :'''Sheridan''': Then let me say I'd like to see you in a ''different'' light. Candlelight, for instance. Over dinner? :'''Delenn''': Tonight? :'''Sheridan''': Tomorrow we may be involved in another crisis, another battle! This may be the last chance we'll get for a while. You know, back home we have a saying. "Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die!" :'''Delenn''': Humans can be a very depressing people. :'''Sheridan''': Only if we get turned down for dinner. :'''Delenn''': Well, we cannot have that, now can we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Entertaining Vir and his new wife, Londo is also struggling with a pest infestation.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': I swear, they are evolving right before my eyes. :''[He turns to Vir and Lyndisty.]'' :'''Londo''': If you see something this big with eight legs coming your way, let me know. I have to kill it before it develops language skills. === [[w:A Late Delivery from Avalon|A Late Delivery from Avalon]] === :''[After fighting the thieves with Arthur]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': By G'Quan, I can't recall the last time I was in a fight like that! No moral ambiguity, no hopeless battle against ancient and overwhelming forces! They were the bad guys, as you say, and we were the good guys. And they made a very satisfying ''thump'' when they hit the floor. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Marcus and Dr. Franklin have just seen "Arthur" off.]'' :'''Marcus''': Where my people come from, his story has great power. I'll miss him. :'''Franklin''': Even if he wasn't Arthur? :'''Marcus''': ''[as Kosh appears]'' Now, now! Next thing you'll be saying is ''he's'' not Merlin! ''[Franklin laughs.]'' Merlin was a great teacher, you know! :'''Franklin''': I'm not hearing this. :'''Marcus''': They say he aged backwards. That was how he was able to foretell the future–by remembering it! Which means he came from the future! Maybe he had Arthur form the Round Table by remembering us! We're forming one of our own, after all. Which makes ''you'' Percival. I'm Galahad, him being sinless and all. Sheridan is Arthur. Ivanova, perhaps Gawain. I think we both know who Mordred is. So the question is…who is Morgana le Fay? === [[w:Ship of Tears|Ship of Tears]] === :'''Bester''': I was expecting the Captain. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': He sent me. :'''Bester''': Did he? He has a better sense of humor than I thought. Please, sit. :'''Ivanova''': I'd rather stand. :'''Bester''': I suspect you'd rather walk out that door and wall me up inside! Do a little re-creation of "[[w:The Cask of Amontillado|The Cask of Amontillado]]". "For the love of God, Montresor!" :'''Ivanova''': If you get near a point, make it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': So, how did you find out about all this? :'''Bester''': I'm a telepath. Work it out. === [[w:Interludes and Examinations|Interludes and Examinations]] === :''[Morden accosts Vir as he runs errands for Londo.]'' :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': Anything I can do to help? :'''Vir Cotto''': Um…Short of dying? No, can't think of a thing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': For three years now you've been pulling everyone's strings, getting us to do all the work, and you haven't done a ''damn'' thing but stand there and look ''cryptic''! Well, it's about time you start pulling your own weight around here. ''[…]'' I hear you've got a saying: "Understanding is a three-edged sword"? Well, we've got a saying, too: "Put your money where your mouth is"! :'''[[w:Kosh|Kosh]]''': Impudent. :'''Sheridan''': Yeah? Well, maybe that's the only way to get through to you. You said you wanted to teach me to fight legends. Well, ''you're'' a legend too, and I am ''not'' going away until you agree! :'''Kosh''': Incorrect. ''[slams Sheridan into the wall with an energy blast]'' Leave. Now. :'''Sheridan''': No. :'''Kosh''': Disobedient! :'''Sheridan''': Up yours! :''[Kosh slams him into the wall again, this time drawing blood]'' :'''Sheridan''': So, the real Kosh shows his colors at last, huh? You angry now? Angry enough to kill me? Because that's the only way I'm leaving. Unless your people get off their encounter-suited ''butts'' and do something, I've got nothing to lose! Hell, my own government wants to kill me, and if we lose this war, I'm just as dead! Our only chance is to get the other races on board for this fight, and right now you're the key to doing that! :'''Kosh''': It is not yet time. :'''Sheridan''': And who decides that time? You? You put me in this position. You asked me to fight this damn war! Well, it's about time you let me fight it my way! How many people have already died fighting this war of yours, huh? How many more will die before you come down off that mountain and get involved? Ships, colonies, whole worlds are being destroyed out there, and you do ''nothing''! How many more? How many more, Kosh? How many more dead before you're satisfied, huh?! :''[Kosh again slams him into the wall, with crushing force]'' :'''Sheridan''': Go ahead. Maybe one more death…will help balance out the books. Go on, get it over with. Save us both the trouble later. :''[Kosh releases him]'' :'''Kosh''': I will do as you ask. But there is a price to pay. I will not be there to help you when you go to Z'ha'dum. :'''Sheridan''': You already said if I go to Z'ha'dum, I'll die. :'''Kosh''': Yes, now. :'''Sheridan''': All right. If that's the trade-off. If you want to withhold your help when the time comes, that's fine. I'll go it alone. :'''Kosh''': You do not understand. But you will. <hr width="50%"/> :''[blind with grief over the murder of his lover Adira, Londo comes to Morden with one final request]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Everyone dies around me, Mr. Morden. Except the ones that most deserve it. That is about to change. You said that you would go away for as long as I wanted. I no longer want that. All I want now…is revenge. They took from me the one thing that I have…have ever truly loved. And you will help me, Mr. Morden, to strike them down. Give me this, and the safety of my people…and let the rest of the galaxy burn. I don't care any more. :'''Morden''': Of course, Ambassador. As ever, I'm always in your service. === [[w:War Without End|War Without End]], Part 1 === :'''Rathenn''': I have the strangest feeling I will never see him again. :'''Vorlon''': He is the closed circle. He is returning to the beginning. :'''Rathenn''': The beginning of what? :''[The Vorlon turns and moves away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sinclair''': I need Lennier to stay on the ship. Can you get the equipment up here by yourself? :'''Zathras''': Yes, yes! Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life! Probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry! === [[w:War Without End|War Without End]], Part 2 === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': ''[his last words, in a glimpse of the future]'' We have unfinished business between us, G'Kar. Let us make an end of it quickly, before [[w:Drakh#Keepers|it]] stops me. I am as tired of my life as you are. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zathras''': All Minbari belief is around three. Three castes–Worker, Warrior, Religious. Three languages–Light, Dark and Grey. The nine of the Grey Council, three times three. All is three. As ''you'' are three. As you are ''one''. As you are ''the'' One. You ''[points to Sinclair]'' are the One who ''was''. You ''[points at Delenn]'' are the One who ''is''. And ''you''–''[points at Sheridan]''–you are the One who ''will be''. You are the beginning ''[Sinclair]'' of the story, and the middle ''[Delenn]'' of the story, and the end ''[Sheridan]'' of the story…that creates the next ''great'' story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivanova''': C'mon c'mon, grab what you need. We're running out of time. :'''Zathras''': Cannot run out of time. There is infinite time. You are finite. Zathras is finite. ''[picking up tool]'' '''THIS''' is wrong tool. === [[w:Walkabout (Babylon 5)|Walkabout]] === :''[G'Kar hosts a fugitive Narn shipmaster for dinner]'' :'''Na'Kal''': I thank you for this, G'Kar. We've been on the run for so long, I haven't tasted fresh food in months. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Well, it's not the hero's welcome you deserve, but it will do for now. :'''Na'Kal''': Breen! ''[takes a bite]'' You've managed to import breen from Homeworld! How? :'''G'Kar''': It, uh…isn't actually breen. :'''Na'Kal''': The smell, the taste—! :'''G'Kar''': It's an Earth food. They are called Swedish meatballs. It's a strange thing, but every sentient race has its own version of these Swedish meatballs! I suspect it's one of those great universal mysteries which will either never be explained, or which would drive you mad if you ever learned the truth.{{hnote|A reference to a joke in Douglas Adams' 'The Restaurant at the End of the Universe' about gin and tonic.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Ivanova meet the new Vorlon ambassador, Kosh's replacement]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Your government neglected to tell me your name. How should I refer to you when we're alone? :'''[[w:Ulkesh|Kosh II]]''': Kosh. :'''Sheridan''': Ah, yes, I understand that's how we're to refer to you publicly, but privately? :'''Kosh II''': Kosh. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Ambassador Kosh is…dead. :'''Kosh II''': We are all Kosh. ''[he leaves]'' :'''Sheridan''': Well, he's a Vorlon, all right. :'''Ivanova''': Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin explains the principles of "walkabout" to Garibaldi.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': You know, as a Foundationist, I was always taught that if you're not careful, you can lose yourself in the world. You get too busy with things, not busy enough with yourself! Spend your days and nights living someone else's agendas, fighting someone else's battles, and you're doing the work you're supposed to be doing, but every day there's less and less of you in it all! Till one day, you come to a fork in the road, and because you're distracted, you're not thinking. You lose yourself. You go right, and the rest of you, the really important part of you, goes left! And you don't even know you've done it till you realize, you finally realize, that you don't have any idea who you are when you're not doing all those things! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Stephen…you don't really believe there are two of you, do you? :'''Franklin''': ''[chuckles]'' No, it's a metaphor! All right, there isn't ''literally'' another me walking around the station. But the principle is real! I realized I didn't have any idea who I was when I wasn't being a doctor, and I think I was using the stims to avoid facing that. Now I gotta fix it. :'''Garibaldi''': How? :'''Franklin''': By going walkabout. You just leave everything, and you start walking. I mean, the Foundation adopted the idea from the Aborigines back on Earth. The theory is, if you're separated from yourself, you start walking and you keep walking until you meet yourself. Then you sit down, and you have a long talk. Talk about everything that you've learned, everything that you've felt, and you talk until you've run out of words. Now, that's vital, because the real important things can't be said. And then, if you're lucky, you look up, and there's just you. Then you can go home. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': It's ''easy'' to fight when you've got a lot of ships to work with. The real crunch comes when you're down to almost nothing! Then you either play it safe and you probably lose it all, or you take a chance! After what we've been through with your people, Sheridan was crazy to send our pilots out to fight for your ship! ''They'' didn't want to go, they didn't want to get blown out of the sky and leave B5 defenseless, and they sure as hell didn't want to die! But they did it because Sheridan ''told'' them to do it and because it was right! :'''G'Kar''': This time it is possible he could be wrong. :'''Garibaldi''': Yeah, it's possible. But you don't follow an order because you know for sure it's gonna work out! You do what you're told! Because your CO has the moral authority that says, "You may not come back! But the cause is just and fair and necessary!" ''That's'' why Sheridan is out there, and damn it, that's where that cruiser should be, too! It's not Na'Kal's decision, G'Kar. He doesn't see the big picture—''you do''! So in ''my'' book, and ''your'' book, that makes it ''your'' responsibility! Deal with it! === [[w:Grey 17 Is Missing|Grey 17 Is Missing]] === :''[Lennier is alarmed about Neroon's challenge to Delenn assuming the title of Entil'Zha.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': It should come as no surprise. We knew the warrior caste was unhappy with our activities. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Unhappy?! Delenn, he's planning to ''kill'' you! :'''Delenn''': That is…one interpretation. :'''Lennier''': He said he would use any and all means necessary. I respectfully suggest that he intends to go far beyond harsh language. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beating the tar out of Marcus, Neroon suggests the human need not be bound by Minbari honor.]'' :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': I am a Ranger! We walk in the dark places no others will enter! We stand on the bridge and no one may pass! We live for the One, we die for the One! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lennier''': Delenn, all we know is that we will die. It is only a matter of how, when, and whether or not it is with honor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neroon comes to Marcus' bed in Medlab to honor him.]'' :'''[[w:Neroon|Neroon]]''': Denn-Shar, you said. To the death…and death there was. The death was mine. To see a Human invoke the name of Valen. To be willing to die for one of my kind when I was intent upon ''killing'' one of my own. The rightness of my cause disappeared. Strange, that a human in his last moments would be more of a Minbari than I. Perhaps it is true what Delenn said: That we are not of the same blood, but we are of the same heart. :''[Neroon turns to leave.]'' :'''Marcus''': ''[in a hoarse whisper]'' The next time…''[Neroon returns to Marcus' bedside]''…the next time you want a revelation…could you possibly find a way…that isn't quite so…uncomfortable? :''[Neroon laughs out loud]'' === [[w:And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place|And the Rock Cried Out, No Hiding Place]] === :''[Ivanova and Brother Theo are at customs to greet a group of religious leaders]'' :'''Reverend William Dexter''': Are you starting in already, Theo? I tell you, in fifty years of living and forty years of serving the Lord, I have never met a sorrier soul than Brother Theo here! :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': Well, I wouldn't say… :'''Brother Theo''': Thank you! But I'd prefer to leave judgments as to the state of my soul to someone better qualified, and perhaps a bit less loud! :'''Rev. Dexter''': But it says in the Bible to make a joyful noise unto the Lord! :'''Brother Theo''': ''[grinning]'' I've heard you sing, Will. And take my word for it, that is ''not'' what the Good Lord had in mind when He said, "a joyful noise"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rev. Dexter''': I'd rather do something and make a mistake than be frightened into doing nothing. That's the problem back home. Folks have been conned into thinking they can't change the world. Have to accept what is. I'll tell you something, my friends, the world is changing every day. The only question is, who's doing it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rev. Dexter''': You know, before I got married, Emily used to come by sometimes and help me clean out my apartment. Well, I asked her, "How come you're so eager to help clean up my place when your place is just as bad?" She said, "Because cleaning up your place helps me to forget what a ''mess'' I've made of mine, and…when I sweep my floor, all I've done is sweep my floor. But, when I help you clean up your place, I am helping ''you''." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rev. Dexter''': Every day, here and at home, we are warned about the enemy. But who is the enemy? Is it the alien? Well, we are all alien to one another. Is it the one who believes differently than we do? No, oh no, my friends. The enemy is fear. The enemy is ignorance. The enemy is the one who tells you that you must ''hate'' that which is different. Because, in the end, that hate will turn on you. And that same hate ''will'' destroy you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines: Delenn shows Sheridan a fleet of White Stars]'' :'''Delenn''': ''White Star'' was never intended to be one of a kind. It was only the first. We've been working around the clock to construct them. I said we needed time to prepare. This is why. The first wave of ships is finished at last. The Rangers will pilot them under our shared command. We are as ready for them as we will ever be. We finally have, as you say, a fighting chance. :'''Sheridan''': I don't know what to say. :'''Delenn''': Then say nothing. :''[they kiss]'' === [[w:Shadow Dancing|Shadow Dancing]] === :'''Michael Garibaldi''': Sometimes people walk away because they want to be alone, and sometimes they walk away because they want to see if you care enough to follow them into hell. I think I went the wrong way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus teaches Ivanova a little of the Minbari language.]'' :'''Marcus''': '''Nu'zen fel'ani in-a lis'e medran.''' ''[translation: ''You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.'']'' :'''Ivanova''': And what does that mean? :'''Marcus''': It's…just a greeting. It means…"My words are inadequate to the burden of my heart." :'''Ivanova''': Well, that's an unusual greeting. :'''Marcus''': Well…they're an unusual people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': I realized that I always defined myself in terms of what I wasn't. I wasn't a good soldier like my father. I wasn't the job. I wasn't a good prospect for marriage or kids. Always what I wasn't, never what I ''was''. And when you do that, you miss the moments. And the moments are all we've got. When I thought I was going to die, even after everything that's happened, I realized I didn't want to let go. I was willing to do it all over again, and this time I could appreciate the moments. I can't go back, but I can appreciate what I have right now, and I can define myself by what I ''am'', instead of what I'm not. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': And what are you? :'''Franklin''': Alive. Everything else is negotiable. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines; a surprise visitor makes her way to Sheridan's quarters.]'' :'''Anna Sheridan''': Hello. You must be Delenn. I'm Anna Sheridan. John's wife. === [[w:Z'ha'dum|Z'ha'dum]] === :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Humans have a phrase: "What is past, is prologue." ''[…]'' Minbari also have a phrase: "What is past, is also sometimes the future." <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I trusted you, Delenn. I cared for you. I let myself start to love you. Do you know what that means? Do you know how hard that was for me? All along a little part of me was still in love with Anna, even though she was gone. I had to fight that part off every time I…I thought about you, about holding you, about building a life with the two of us. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''G'Kar''': It was the end of the Earth year 2260, and the war had paused, suddenly and unexpectedly. All around us, it was as if the universe were holding its breath…waiting. All of life can be broken down into moments of transition, or moments…of revelation. This had the feeling of both. ''[…]'' G'Quan wrote, "There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can never surrender." The future is all around us, waiting in moments of transition, to be born in moments of revelation. No one knows the shape of that future, or where it will take us. We know only that it is always born…in ''pain''. == Season 4: No Surrender, No Retreat == :''[Opening credits voiceover.]'' :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': It was the year of fire… :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': …the year of destruction… :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': …the year we took back what was ours. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': It was the year of rebirth… :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': …the year of great sadness… :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': …the year of pain… :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': …and a year of joy. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': It was…a new age. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': It was the end of history. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': It was the year everything changed. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': The year is 2261. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': The place, Babylon 5. === [[w:The Hour of the Wolf|The Hour of the Wolf]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It is now seven days since we lost Captain Sheridan and Mr. Garibaldi. In a way I think we have also lost Ivanova. It is as though her heart has been pierced and her spirit has poured out through the wound. She blames herself. It is foolish; it is destructive; it is…human. Ambassador Mollari has returned to Centauri Prime to take up his role as advisor of planetary security. I suppose he is quite happy with his new position. It's what he always wanted: power, title, responsibility. I think he is more alone than anyone else in the universe. Delenn has refused to eat for seven days, fasting, praying, and waiting. Delenn believes; I think she is the only one who does. The Shadows have paused in their pursuit of war and everywhere there is a sense of imminent change. Whether it is a change for good or ill, no one could tell, because no one has answered two very important questions: :Where is Mr. Garibaldi? And what happened to Captain Sheridan at Z'ha'dum? <hr width=50%/> :''[Zack investigates a break-in in Garibaldi's quarters…and finds G'Kar, wearing the chief's fedora']'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': G'Kar? What are you doing here? :'''G'Kar''': I saw him wearing this from time to time, and I thought it would help me. In all the concern about Sheridan, it seems Mr. Garibaldi has been forgotten. :'''Zack''': No. Not forgotten. But I think he'd want Sheridan found first. :'''G'Kar''': Then you think he's alive? :'''Zack''': I don't know. When you come right down to it, it doesn't matter what I think either way. :'''G'Kar''': Our thoughts form the universe. They ''always'' matter. ''[He turns to a picture of [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]] over Garibaldi's bed.]'' I was studying this image. Is it one of his household gods? :'''Zack''': ''[chuckles]'' That's Daf—Yeah, well, in a way I suppose it is. It's sort of the Egyptian god of frustration. :'''G'Kar''': Most appropriate! Thank you. I came here to remind myself of his soul, his center. His ''chad'rasha'', we call it. It will help me. :'''Zack''': Help you what? :'''G'Kar''': It takes a rare kind of wisdom to accept change and redemption in another. Many would refuse, seeing only what was, not what is. Mr. Garibaldi gave me that chance, and I must repay him. So I'm going after him, Mr. Allan. I don't know where he is, or where to start, but if he is alive, I will find him and bring him back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta pays Ivanova a late-night visit.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Suasn Ivanova]]''': Have you ever heard of the [[w:hour of the wolf|hour of the wolf]]? :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': No. :'''Ivanova''': My father told me about it. It's the time between three and four in the morning. You can't sleep, and all you can see is the troubles and the problems and the ways that your life should've gone but didn't. All you can hear is the sound of your own heart. I've been living in the hour of the wolf for seven days, Lyta. Seven days. The wolf and I are now on a first-name basis. ''[She sits down and sees that Lyta is still standing.]'' Ah, please. ''[She points at a chair, and Lyta gets her drift and sits.]'' In times like this, my father used to take one large glass of vodka before bed. To keep the wolf away, he said. And then he would take three very small drinks of vodka, just in case she had cubs while she was waiting outside. ''[takes a drink]'' It doesn't work. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ivanova''': Lennier, get us the hell out of here! :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': Initiating "getting the hell out of here" maneuver. === [[w:Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?|Whatever Happened to Mr. Garibaldi?]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Compassion is a rare commodity these days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar and [[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]] take shelter after a bar brawl]'' :'''G'Kar''': I was doing fine until you showed up with that… ''[gesticulates mockingly]'' '''thing''' in hand. :'''Marcus Cole''': It's a Minbari fighting pike, several hundred years old. ''[points and smiles]'' You're just jealous because you don't have one. Bad case of pikal envy, if you ask me. :''[later]'' :'''G'Kar''': ''[admiring Marcus's (closed) Minbari fighting pike]'' May I? :''[Marcus hands him the pike.]'' :'''Marcus Cole''': To open it, you press… :''[G'Kar presses the button and opens the pike; it telescopes out, barely missing Marcus and knocking over a crate. G'Kar looks at him like a child with a new favorite toy.]'' :'''G'Kar''': I like it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[ [[w:Delenn|Delenn]] watches an excerpt from [[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]'s personal log.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Personal log, May 14, 2260. We actually had a quiet day today. It's hard to believe with so much going on lately, and now that we've broken away from Earth, everything has hit the fan. It's not what I wanted. Frankly, it scared the hell out of me. But it had to be done. The job now is to turn this around and make it into something positive. My dad always told me that's the only way you deal with pain. You don't surrender, you don't fight it, you turn it into something positive. He used to say, "If you're falling off a cliff, you may as well try to fly. You've got nothing to lose." In a way, I feel the same way about Delenn. I mean, during the war I fought Minbari, I killed Minbari. I saw many of my friends die at Minbari hands. And here I am, in love with one of them. For a long time, I thought about not saying anything, but the moment my heart crossed that line, there wasn't much I could do but see it through. Yeah, I've fallen off one hell of a cliff. When I look in her eyes, I let myself think, maybe I really can fly. :''[Later in the episode, Delenn delivers a speech to a group of Rangers.]'' :'''Delenn''': The chances of success are small, but if we stay here and do nothing, they are even smaller. So we go. As a dear friend said to me, "If you're falling off a mountain, you may as well try to fly." Here, at the end, I offer you one final chance to fly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar has been taken prisoner by the [[w:Centauri (Babylon 5)|Centauri]], tortured, and now languishes in an underground cell. [[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]] steps in to visit him, asking for his help in removing the emperor. Just before he leaves, G'Kar rebuts.]'' :'''G'Kar''': You didn't ask the price…for my cooperation. :'''Londo Mollari''': ''[incredulous]'' You are not exactly in a position to bargain, G'Kar. :'''G'Kar''': Neither are you. You want my help…for the sake of your people. I will give it…for the sake of my own. If I remove the monster from your throne, you will remove the monster…from my world. Leave Narn! Set my world free! Promise me this, and I will do as you ask. :''[Mollari thinks about this for a moment, then realizes he has no choice and agrees.]'' :'''Mollari''': You have my word. :''[He is let out of the cell by the guard, allowing the bright light to stream in from outside. G'Kar lies back against the wall of his cell, basking in the glow, joyful tears in his eyes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lorien (Babylon 5)|Lorien]]''': It's easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for? :: paraphrased from [[Wilhelm Stekel]], <small>"The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."</small> === [[w:The Summoning|The Summoning]] === :''[Ivanova insists she does not need a translator to command a Minbari-crewed White Star.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[in Minbari]'' Flak'sha. ''[Engines at full.]'' Shin'drabi. ''[High power.]'' Hat'rashu… ''[Hatrack ratcatcher…]'' an dolo… ''[to port weapons…]'' ishi'den! ''[brickbat lingerie!]'' :''[Both fluent in the language, one of them natively, [[w:Delenn|Delenn]] and [[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus]] look on, horrified. Marcus desperately searches for the right response.]'' :'''Marcus Cole''': It's… :'''Delenn''': ''[quickly]'' Um, very good! ''[Minbari only lie to help another save face.]'' :'''Marcus''': Bit of an accent. But yes, very good. :'''Delenn''': But it is not enough to speak Minbari; you must also ''think'' in our language. :'''Marcus''': It can take a few seconds to translate an order. And we all know a lot can happen in a few seconds: Crash, boom, burn. :'''Delenn''': Exactly. So Marcus will accompany you. :'''Ivanova''': ''[protesting]'' That's not… :'''Delenn''': ''[to Marcus]'' Do you mind? :'''Marcus''': Not at all. Love to. :''[Ivanova sees she's beaten.]'' :'''Ivanova''': All right. Meet me early in the morning, or I'm leaving without you. ''[She stalks off.]'' :'''Marcus''': ''[calling after her]'' I'll be there! :'''Delenn''': ''[very serious]'' Tell the crew that if anyone laughs, they will answer to me personally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marcus''': At least a dozen ships have reported seeing something rather godlike in the area, and since neither you nor I were there, it must be one of the First Ones. :'''Ivanova''': ''[smiling]'' You're having delusions of grandeur again. :'''Marcus''': Well, if you're gonna have delusions, may as well go for the really ''satisfying'' ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo attempts to recruit Vir into the conspiracy to assassinate Emperor Cartagia.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I've never been involved in a conspiracy to kill anyone before, not to mention the Emperor! I thought we were past this ''centuries'' ago! I mean, there's got to be another way, Londo! I mean, can't we reason with him or something… : . . . :''[after meeting Cartagia and hearing him bemoan G'Kar's refusal to scream, despite being tortured in supremely painful ways]'' :'''Vir''': Londo? Remember what I said before about "there must be another way"? I was wrong. ''Kill him!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his quarters, Ambassador [[w:Ulkesh|Ulkesh]] removes the last vestiges of his consciousness from [[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]'s mind. The energy streams disconnect from her with a pop and her head snaps back like she has been struck.]'' :'''Lyta Alexander''': You didn't have to pull out so suddenly. You ''hurt'' me. :''[The Vorlon's encounter suit closes without response.]'' :'''Lyta Alexander''': While I was carrying you, you felt cold, hard. What are you hiding from me? :'''Ulkesh''': ''[ignoring her once more]'' Your work for now is done here. Go. Sleep. :'''Lyta Alexander''': I have a right to know. I've done everything you asked. I let your people modify me, enhance my telepathic abilities so I'd be more suited to carry a Vorlon around in my head, because I believed. [[w:Kosh|Kosh]]—the real Kosh—wasn't like this. I think on some level he cared about us…about me. With you it's as if I'm being used and then thrown away when I'm not needed anymore. ''[explodes with anger]'' Dammit! I have earned some respect! ''[straightens]'' And I have earned some answers. :''[The eye-sensor on the encounter suit head narrows]'' :'''Ulkesh''': Respect? From whom? :''[Lyta's mouth drops open in shock. In her anger, she tries to scan him, but a wave of energy shoots out and knocks her back into the wall. The Vorlon advances on her, the eye-sensor widening and glowing red.]'' :'''Ulkesh''': ''[angrily]'' Would you know my thoughts? ''Would you''? :''[A sound indicating an intense mind-probe. Lyta screams, and the scene goes black.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marcus''': Anyone special waiting for you back home? :'''Ivanova''': No, not anymore. You? :'''Marcus''': ''[bashful]'' Someone. She doesn't know it yet. :'''Ivanova''': That's a strange way to pursue a relationship. :'''Marcus''': I suppose so. Ah…I want this thing to go right. I want it to be special. :'''Ivanova''': Oh. A romantic! I don't think I've felt that way since the first time! :'''Marcus''': That's what I'm talking about. :''[Susan's eyes narrow, get wide, then get wider.]'' :'''Ivanova''': You mean you don't…you haven't… :'''Marcus''': Yes. :'''Ivanova''': You're a… :'''Marcus''': Exactly. :'''Ivanova''': With anyone? :'''Marcus''': Never met the right person before. :'''Ivanova''': Wow. I thought the First Ones were rare! Well, I hope she appreciates it. :'''Marcus''': So do I. It's… ''[An alarm goes off.]'' I'm picking something up! :'''Ivanova''': A unicorn? ''[he gives her a confused look]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan, back from Z'ha'dum, interrupts the rabble rousers on the Zocalo.]'' :'''Drazi''': Captain…we're sorry…We thought you were ''dead''. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': ''[deadpan]'' I was. I'm better now. === [[w:Falling Toward Apotheosis|Falling Toward Apotheosis]] === :''[After being treated with reverence by a group in the docking bay, [[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]] walks with [[w:Lorien|Lorien]] down the corridor. As they leave, they overhear one woman asking about the captain's so-called resurrection.]'' :'''Lorien''': You heard? :'''John Sheridan''': I heard. :'''Lorien''': They need to believe. :'''Sheridan''': Not in me. :'''Lorien''': You can't save them all. :'''Sheridan''': I'll try. :'''Lorien''': You'll fail. :'''Sheridan''': We'll see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova and Garibaldi survey the fleet]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': That is a hell of a lot of ships. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': And more on the way. The captain wants the biggest fleet in history if we're gonna end this war. The way things are shaping up out there it looks like he just might get it. :'''Garibaldi''': And then what? :'''Ivanova''': And then what what? :'''Garibaldi''': Well if we lose, there is no "then what", and if we win, what next? We're still renegades. I don't think there's anybody left on this side of the galactic core we haven't already honked off. We can't go home. Sometimes I don't know which scares me more, winning or losing. :'''Ivanova''': God, I thought I was depressing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan proposes to Delenn]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I, um…I wanted you to have this. I got it down in the Zocalo. It's not exactly what I had in mind, but, um…It's temporary until I can get you a real engagement ring. Um, it's an Earth custom. See, you give someone you love an engagement ring as kind of down payment for another ring. The kind you exchange when you get married. I don't know when we will be able to get around to that part of it. We may not survive the next two weeks, but I wanted you to have this and to know that whatever time I have left, I want to spend it with you. === [[w:The Long Night (Babylon 5)|The Long Night]] === :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Great Maker! Your eye! Cartagia? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': My eye offended him. Doesn't matter. I can see things now that were invisible to me before. An empty eye sees through to an empty heart.{{hnote|G'Kar is quoting from the human Bible, Matthew 5:28-30: 'And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.'}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[After G'Kar breaks free from his chains and starts a riot]'' :'''Cartagia''': Completely irresponsible! The chains weren't properly secured, I can't have it getting out. They'll have to be killed! :'''Londo''': Majesty— :'''Cartagia''': All of them, killed! Incompetent behavior! Absolutely incompetent! :'''Londo''': Be quiet! :'''Cartagia''': "Quiet"?! ''[strikes Londo, making him drop Vir Cotto's poisoned needle]'' You would tell the stars to darken on a whim?! What, would you tear down the mountains because their height offends you?! Who are you?! ''[seizes Londo]'' Where were you?! Where were you when my destiny was written in those stars? Where were you when the gods themselves shined down upon me? Huh? You dare to speak to me?! No, you can burn. You can burn with Centauri Prime. You can burn with the rest. Burn with the cities, burn with the temples, burn with all of them! :''[Cartagia throws Londo away and turns—only to have Vir run him through with the needle.]'' :'''Cartagia''': No! ''[grabs Vir, but starts to weaken as Londo holds him up]'' I was to be a god, you understand…a god… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The War Council has just witnessed the Shadow planet killer in action]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Anyone want to tell me how the hell we're supposed to stop ''that?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the assassination, Londo finds Vir drowning his sorrows.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': ''[slurring]'' I was toasting Emperor Cartagia. And since he wasn't here, I drank for him. And then, I couldn't be rude, so I had to drink with him. And so first it was me drinking for him—''[drinks]'' and then him drinking for me—''[drinks again]'' and then I kinda got into this kinda cycle. And then, here comes Cartagia, his glass broke, and—maybe it was my glass. Would you like some? Because you know what, I think this is Cartagia's glass after all, so it would be quite appropriate, don't you think? :'''Londo''': You're drunk. :'''Vir''': Absolut—positive—oh, you betcha. I figured it always worked for you, Londo. Let me—lemme ask you something. ''[puts a hand on Londo's shoulder and leans in]'' How much more before I can look in the mirror and not see myself? Because I keep looking and I'm always there. And right now I don't want to see me. :'''Londo''': ''[pulling away]'' You're behaving like a fool! You did what was necessary. You saved the lives of millions of our people. He had to be stopped. He— :'''Vir''': ''[anguished]'' '''Don't you understand? I've never done anything like this before! I close my eyes and I always see his face!''' ''[crying, he sits on a couch]'' Don't you know that all I ever wanted was…was a good job, small title, nothing fancy. A wife I could love, maybe even one who could actually love someone like me. I never wanted to be here. I never wanted to know the things that I know, or to do…to do the things that I've done. :'''Londo''': I know. I know, Vir. I never wanted you in that hole. I never wanted you to… I remember when you first arrived on Babylon 5. You were so…full of life, innocent. I was not kind to you. I treated you poorly. I think that I did that because I was envious of you. Envious that you had come so far and were still innocent in your way. You still believed. I, on the other hand… I cannot tell you that your pain will ever go away. I cannot tell you that you will ever forget his face. I can only tell you that it ''was necessary''. You may have helped to save our people. You did a hard thing. But you still have your heart, and your heart is a good one. You would not be in such great pain otherwise. It means there is still hope for you. And for that, I find I ''still'' envy you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar is aghast at his people's enthusiasm for more fighting with the departed Centauri.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Why are you celebrating?! :'''G'Lorn''': We drove them away! They knew they could not enslave us forever, and we drove them off! Through strength! :'''G'Kar''': Is that what you think? Try to understand! The strength that defeated the Centauri is not from weapons or arms! :'''G'Lorn''': G'Kar, you are tired, you're hurt. You're not seeing this as we do. :'''G'Kar''': ''I see'', G'Lorn. I see better than you can imagine. :'''G'Lorn''': When you've rested, we will thank you properly, as is your right. There will be celebrations in the street, G'Kar; your name will be a blessing to any who speak it! And then…then, G'Kar, you will lead us against our oppressors. You will be the instrument of our vengeance! With you directing us, we will finally ''destroy'' the Centauri! :'''G'Kar''': You have just tossed someone ''off'' that throne! Would you put another in his place so quickly? The Kha'Ri spoke with many equal voices, not the one voice of a single leader. :'''G'Lorn''': We need strength to lead us, ''fire'' to forge us! We saw that in the Centauri, learned that from them. :'''G'Kar''': Then you have learned the wrong lessons. I will not take the throne. If the Kha'Ri is restored, I will take my place among them, but that's all. I did not fight to remove one dictator just to become another myself! :'''G'Lorn''': But the Centauri— :'''G'Kar''': ''[interrupting]'' '''ARE A LOST PEOPLE!''' They ought to be ''pitied!'' They are already on a course for self-destruction! They do not need help from us. We need to redress our wounds, help our people, rebuild our cities! :'''G'Lorn''': We must strike back! :'''G'Kar''': No. ''[turns to leave]'' :'''G'Lorn''': I never thought you a ''coward'', G'Kar! ''[G'Kar stops in his tracks]'' We suffered and died during their occupation! Where were you? What have ''you'' endured? :''[G'Kar stares at him, dumbfounded, out of his one remaining eye.]'' :'''G'Kar''': What have ''I'' endured? :''[In way of answer, he starts laughing. His laughter fills the room as he turns to leave the group of angry Narns behind.]'' === [[w:Into the Fire (Babylon 5)|Into the Fire]] === :'''[[w:Lorien (Babylon 5)|Lorien]]''': I am the last, and…I was the first. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I have to admit, I'm a little bit skeptical about that. :'''Lorien''': Skepticism is the language of the mind. What does your heart tell you? :'''Ivanova''': My heart and I don't speak anymore. :'''Lorien''': So I've noticed. : . . . :'''Lorien''': To live on as we have is to leave behind joy, and love, and companionship, because we know it to be transitory, of the moment. We know it will turn to ash. Only those whose lives are brief can imagine that love…is eternal. You should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the greatest gift your race has ever received. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The White Star joins with the rest of the fleet, heading toward the final battleground of the war.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Win or lose, we'll go down fighting. ''[issuing orders to [[w:Lennier|Lennier]]]'' Pour it on, Mr. Lennier. Take us into the fire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo finds out Morden was behind Adira's poisoning.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': He ''played'' me! He ''played'' me like a PUPPET! <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Sheridan''': We still can't win, but it's not bad. :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': We can't win? :'''Sheridan''': Against the Vorlons ''and'' the Shadows? No. :'''Marcus''': Then what are we doing here? :'''Sheridan''': Hoping the truth will set us free… before it kills us.{{hnote|John 8:32 (NIV): 'Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.'}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo has the Morden's two Shadow protectors shot dead]'' :'''Londo''': I'll have to have that painted over, I suppose. :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': You're insane. :'''Londo''': On any other day, Mr. Morden, you would be wrong. Today? Today is a ''very'' different day. One last time: remove your ships! :'''Morden''': No. You don't frighten me, Mollari. You try to attack our forces, you'll lose. :'''Londo''': Yes, your ships are very impressive in the air, or in space. But at this moment, they are on the ground. :'''Morden''': Right. They're on the ground. But they can sense an approaching ship miles away. So what're you gonna do, Mollari, huh? Blow up the island? :'''Londo''': Actually…now that you mention it… ''[he produces a small remote detonator]'' :'''Morden''': '''NO!''' :''[Londo blows up the island]'' :'''Londo''': I had most of our people evacuated from Celini during the night. A few stayed, to maintain the illusion of our presence. They knew what was being asked of them. I would have preferred another way, hoped that you would be reasonable, but... ''[to his guards]'' Take him to a cell. Keep him there. :'''Morden''': ''[as he is dragged away]'' You just made a mistake, Londo! Even if my associates lose this war, they have allies! They'll make sure Centauri Prime pays the price for what you've done here today! :'''Londo''': What I have done? Oh, Mr. Morden, I have not even ''started'' with you yet... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': Morning, gentlemen. This is your wakeup call. :''[Sheridan detonates three nuclear devices among the Shadow and Vorlon ships.]'' :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Captain? :'''Sheridan''': Hmm? :'''Lyta''': They're ''pissed''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Sheridan and Delenn eventually figured out the true purpose behind the Vorlon-Shadow War]'' :'''Sheridan''': You're trying to force us to decide ''which'' of you is right. You're like a couple of parents arguing in front of their kids, manipulating them, trying to get them to take sides! Not for their benefit, but for '''yours'''! But what if the right choice... ''is not to choose at all''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': The Vorlons ask only one question, over and over: "Who are you?". ''[points to Shadow emissary]'' And you, for you the question is: "What do you want?". I have ''never'' heard ''you'' answer that question. ''[Points, respectively, to the Vorlon and then the Shadow for each following question]'' Who are ''you''? What do ''you'' want? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn and Sheridan "negotiate" an end to the Vorlon-Shadow War]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': The others have rejected you! How do you have a war when no one will fight for either of you? :'''Sheridan''': We refuse to take sides in this anymore! And we refuse to let you turn us against one another! We know who we are now. We can find our own way between order and chaos! :'''Delenn''': You can kill us one by one, and those who follow us, and those who follow them, on and on, every race, every planet. Until there's no one left to kill. You will have failed as guardians. And you will be alone. :'''Sheridan''': It's over because ''we've'' decided it's over! Now '''''get the hell out of our galaxy!''''' Both of you! :''[The Vorlons and Shadows hesitate, but Lorien steps in]'' :'''Lorien''': As I taught you and stepped aside, now you must do the same. Our age is past. This…belongs to the younger races now. They have learned to stand on their own. They have learned…to understand. Time to let them go. :'''Shadow''': Will you…come…with us? :'''Lorien''': I have been here since the beginning. I will not leave you now. I will go with you beyond the Rim, and we will see again all those who went ahead of us, all those who we have missed for so long. :'''Vorlon''': Then…we will not be alone? :'''Lorien''': No. Never alone. :''[The Vorlons and Shadows disappear, and their respective fleets leave the system]'' :'''Marcus''': Did we just win? :'''Ivanova''': Don't jinx it. :''[Lorien turns to address Sheridan and Delenn]'' :'''Lorien''': I waited a long time for someone to find me. Now, like the others, I find I hate to leave. But none of us can stay behind this time. That was why it was necessary to find all the remaining First Ones. This…is yours now. And you have an obligation…to do as we have done. To teach the races that will follow you and, when your time comes, as ours has, to step aside and allow them to grow into their own destiny. If your races survive, if you do not kill yourselves, I look forward to the day when your people join us…beyond the Rim. :''[he starts dissolving into a ball of light]'' :'''Lorien''': We will wait for you… <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheridan''': We are all alone now, just the younger races. We can't blame anyone else from now on. It's a new age, Delenn. A third age! :'''Delenn''': Why third? :'''Sheridan''': We began in chaos, too primitive to make our own decisions. Then we were manipulated from outside by forces that thought they knew what was best for us. And now? Now we are finally standing on our own. Lorien was right, it's a great responsibility. This is ours now. :'''Delenn''': Strange. The galaxy seems somehow smaller now that the First Ones are gone forever. :'''Sheridan''': It feels like the magic's gone now. :'''Delenn''': No, not gone. Now we make our own magic. Now we create our own legends. Now we build the future. Now we stop… :'''Sheridan''' …being afraid of shadows. === [[w:Epiphanies (Babylon 5)|Epiphanies]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': I have seen what power does, and I have seen what power costs. The one is never equal to the other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zack is showing some new security guards the ropes at Customs.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': When you come on duty always check this display. This is where you get your details on who to hold, and who to let through. Anything unusual gets flagged. :''[Londo walks through the gate.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': And would I fall under the category of unusual, Mr. Allen? :'''Zack''': Well! I didn't think we'd be seeing you again any time soon, ambassador. :'''Londo''': Yes, I could tell, from the look of unvarnished joy on your face when I came aboard. Perhaps you would like to take a seat before you are overcome with ecstasy? :'''Zack''': No thanks, I'm fine. So what happened, they get tired of you back home? :'''Londo''': Tired? No, don't be absurd. Why, the Emperor himself said I would only be allowed to leave over his dead body. I thought, "Well, how strange. Mr. Allan said I would only be allowed back onto Babylon 5 over ''his'' dead body." With my busy schedule I'm afraid I can only accommodate so many requests. I'm sorry, Mr. Allan, but I'm afraid you'll simply have to wait your turn! ''[he leaves]'' :'''Zack''': The only reason that guy is still alive is that half the time I don't know what the hell he's talking about. The other half, I wish I didn't. But that's why it's important to check in on customs on a regular basis. ''[Bester now appears behind him, surrounded by three security guards.]'' You never know who's gonna walk in that– :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Just a guess, Mr. Allan, but I'd suggest the word you're looking for is "door". Now, please notify the Captain that I'm here. I need to meet with him and the rest of the Command staff ASAP. I assume my usual quarters in the brig are available? I've grown ''so'' attached to the place. :'''Zack''': For you, Mr. Bester? Always. :''[Bester and his security escort move on.]'' :'''Zack''': ''[sighs]'' You ever have one of those days? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Psi Cops are trained to make everyone nervous, but Bester can make even other Psi Cops nervous. :'''Zack''': Hell, the man can make poison ivy nervous. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': Ms. Alexander has no business being here. She's a blip! By all rights, I should arrest her and take her back with me. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Oh, you could do that. And I could nail your head to the table, set fire to it, and feed your charred remains to the Pak'ma'ra. But…it's an imperfect world, and we never get exactly what we want. So get used to it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester confronts Lyta about her enhanced telepathic abilities.]'' :'''Bester''': You've been keeping me out since I got here. A good question is, why? A better question is, ''how?'' I was thinking…I may have spoken rashly before. There may be some value in not turning you over. You're stronger than the last time I saw you. :'''Lyta''': We all change. :'''Bester''': Yes, but this is different. I can feel it. Whatever's happened to you, you have a moral obligation to share it with the Corps, Lyta. The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father. :'''Lyta''': In that case, Mr. Bester? '''I'm an orphan'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the White Star arrives at Z'ha'dum]'' :'''Bester''': Is that it? It looks like Hell. :'''Sheridan''': That's about right. === [[w:The Illusion of Truth|The Illusion of Truth]] === :''[An ISN crew arrives on the station and is stopped by security.]'' :'''Dan Randall''': Hey! That's private proprerty! We have rights here! :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': What you're going to have is my foot sixteen inches up your butt if you don't get the hell out of my way! <hr width="50%"> :''[An ISN reporter complains to Sheridan about Ivanova's rough treatment.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Commander! Did you threaten to grab this man by the collar and threaten to throw him out an airlock? :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''[chagrined]'' Yes, I did. :'''Sheridan''': I'm shocked! Shocked and dismayed. :''[The reporter nods, mollified.]'' :'''Sheridan''': May I remind you that we are short on supplies here? We can't afford to take perfectly good clothing and throw it out into space! Always take the jacket off first—I've told you that before! :''[Ivanova nods meekly.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Sorry. She meant to say, "stripped naked and thrown out of an airlock". I apologize for any confusion this may have caused. <hr width="50%"> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': When I said my quarters were cold, I did not mean, 'Oh, I think it's a little chilly in here, perhaps I'll throw a blanket on the bed.' No, I said it was ''cold'', as in 'Oh, my left arm has snapped off like an icicle and shattered on the floor!' This is ''highly'' inappropriate, Captain! :'''Sheridan''': ''[smirking]'' You're right. There are several other parts of your body I'd much rather see snapped off. === [[w:Atonement (Babylon 5)|Atonement]] === :''[Zack is being fitted for his new Uniform as Chief of Security.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Oh yeah, I should listen to a Minbari about fashion. I mean, robes? Hoods? No offense, but I've seen Vorlons with more fashion sense. :''[The Minbari tailor stabs Zack with the needle.]'' :'''Zack''': She did that on purpose. :'''Lennier''': Yes, I believe she did. I will deal with this. :'''Lennier''': ''[in Minbari]'' Good work. Give me a moment with the Human, and next time…use a bigger needle. :'''Zack''': Yeah, and don't you forget it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the Dreaming, Delenn recalls a conversation with her mentor Dukhat about the Grey Council not wishing to contact the humans.]'' :'''Delenn''': Master, may I ask a question? Will you make contact? :'''Dukhat''': No. The Council will be more determined now. I could override their decision, but nothing would be served. Authority should never be used as a club, Delenn. :'''Delenn''': But then why? :'''Dukhat''': When others do a foolish thing, you should ''tell'' them it is a foolish thing. They can still continue to do it, but at least the ''truth'' is where it needs to be. They will be most upset with you now. You have embarrassed them. I apologize for that. In my anger, I believe I may have caused you more problems in the future. :'''Delenn''': No. No, Master. It was an honor. :'''Dukhat''': Don't interrupt when I'm being kind. It does not happen often, Delenn. Raise your eyes and look at me. :'''Delenn''': ''[eyes down]'' It is disrespectful. :'''Dukhat''': I cannot have an aide who will not look up. You will be forever walking into things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin gets testy with Marcus on their cargo shuttle trip to Mars.]'' :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Is this really the best ship you could find? :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Yes. ''[he flicks his pike open, then closes it just as quickly]'' :'''Franklin''': Smells like the inside of a Martian pleasure dome on Sunday morning. :'''Marcus''': Wouldn't know about that. :'''Franklin''': Don't make me come over there and ''[flick]'' take that thing from you. :'''Marcus''': Helps me relax. :'''Franklin''': Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end with a gunshot! :'''Marcus''': Would you like me to sing instead? :'''Franklin''': No. :'''Marcus''': You haven't heard me! :'''Franklin''': Marcus, ''please''! :''[the episode ends with Marcus singing the [[w:Major-General's Song|Major-General's Song]] by Gilbert and Sullivan]'' === [[w:Racing Mars|Racing Mars]] === :''[After discussing recent events with [[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|Captain Sheridan]], [[w:Susan Ivanova|Commander Ivanova]] walks around his desk and sits in his chair.]'' :'''Susan Ivanova''': Speaking of which, as of now I'm relieving you of command. :'''John Sheridan''': ''[slightly amused]'' Ivanova, your sense of humor has always been on the edge of good taste, but— :'''Ivanova''': I'm serious, John. :'''Sheridan''': ''[defensively]'' On what grounds? :'''Ivanova''': You haven't taken any personal time in over nine months. And in that time we have broken away from Earth, fought a ''war'', you have been declared dead at least once, and you know how tiring that can be. :'''Sheridan''': There isn't much chance of me winning this argument, is there? :'''Ivanova''': None whatsoever. I never give up when I'm right. Your only option is to surrender. :'''Sheridan''': Who taught you to negotiate like that? :'''Ivanova''': You did. :'''Sheridan''': ''[impressed and defeated]'' Oh. Well, then I assume this enforced vacation is to begin immediately. :''[Ivanova has already picked up papers from the desk and gotten to work.]'' :'''Ivanova''': Started when I walked in that door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marcus and Franklin are killing time in a cargo hold filled with crates.]'' :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': I spy with my little eye…something beginning with "B." :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': ''[annoyed]'' Boxes. :'''Marcus''': Fine! I spy with my little eye something beginning with "M." :'''Franklin''': ''More'' boxes. :'''Marcus''': Two in a row. :'''Franklin''': ''[deadpan]'' "And that's when I shot him, Your Honor." :'''Marcus''': I spy with my little eye something beginning with "E." :'''Franklin''': I-I give up. :'''Marcus''': Oh come on. :'''Franklin''': This better not be what I– :'''Marcus and Franklin''': ''[in unison]'' Even MORE boxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova tries to sell smugglers on running EarthGov's blockade.]'' :'''Ivanova''': We'll upgrade your data systems, and supercharge your engines! ''And'', if you have an accident, we'll repair your ships. And sooner or later, your ships ''will'' have accidents. :'''Smuggler #1''': My pilots don't have accidents. :'''Ivanova''': They ''will''. I'll see to it. :'''Smuggler #1''': You wouldn't! :'''Ivanova''': Really? I've got a 200-megawatt pulse cannon in the forward cargo bay that says otherwise. === [[w:Lines of Communication|Lines of Communication]] === :''[When Sheridan is faced with the possibility of Delenn heading into what could be a war zone.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Can't you send out Lennier? It might be dangerous. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[smiles in amusement]'' John! It pleases me that you care for what I have become. ''[seriously]'' But never forget who I was, what I am, and what I can do. <hr width="50%"> :''[Sheridan praises Ivanova for her telecasts during the Shadow war.]'' :'''John Sheridan''': You have a face people trust. :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I'd rather have a face people fear. :'''Sheridan''': That too. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheridan''': Why not come up with a way to turn the war room into…I don't know…The Voice of the Resistance! Susan, during World War II, the French Resistance used to go on the air for one hour a night, always from a different location, broadcasting the ''real'' news about the war. Providing intelligence for the resistance fighters, encouraging Germans to defect. Well, why can't we do the same thing here? :'''Ivanova''': Why do I get the ugly suspicion that you're volunteering me for this job? :'''Sheridan''': I accept your offer! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Touch passion when it comes your way, Stephen. It's rare enough as it is. Don't walk away when it calls you ''by name''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': Before the war, Dukhat wanted to know more about your people, so I began studying your history. I came to the conclusion that of all the races we had encountered, humans were the most dangerous. Because humans form communities. And from that diversity comes a strength that no single race can withstand. That is your strength. And it is that which makes you dangerous. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheridan''': I'm tired, Delenn. Sometimes I feel as if I've been carrying this station on my back and crawling through broken glass for three years. === [[w:Conflicts of Interest|Conflicts of Interest]] === :''[After Garibaldi reunites a client with his missing daughter, the man is surprised by the invoice Garibaldi hands him.]'' :'''Client''': It's one-third your fee! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': It is? ''[looking]'' Yeah, it is. Well, I am going to have to take this up with Bookkeeping. I mean, this hardly even covers my expenses. I—well, now that I think about it, I ''am'' the Bookkeeping Department. I'll tell you what. I don't wanna get ''me'' into trouble over this, so…why don't we just let it go at 30%? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': If you're going to wait for the universe to start making sense, you'll have a long wait ahead of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the episode]'' :'''Ivanova''': This is Commander Susan Ivanova of Babylon 5, and this is the first official broadcast of the new Voice of the Resistance. We're sending this signal out to every ship that wants to hear the truth, to our fallen comrades and freedom fighters on Mars and Proxima 3, and to Earth, which, despite what you may have heard, is still our home and still the one dream that we are as loyal to now as we ever have been. Over the last three years, ever since President Clark took over after arranging the assassination of President Santiago, you have been hearing nothing but misinformation, propaganda, and outright lies. Now we're going to tell you the truth, and we're going to keep telling it until they shut us down or until President Clark steps down and returns Earth to the hands of its people. You can kill us, you can bomb our colonies, destroy our ships, murder innocent civilians, but you cannot kill the truth. And the truth is back in business. === [[w:Rumors, Bargains and Lies|Rumors, Bargains and Lies]] === :''[Delenn meets with Neroon to discuss their castes' open war.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Yes, we've disagreed, even fought, but I would rather have someone who opposed me out of an honest belief in the rightness of his cause than someone who is always on my side because it was expected and required. I've questioned your judgment, your wisdom, your temperament, but never your loyalty. :'''Neroon''': Was that a compliment? :'''Delenn''': After a fashion. :'''Neroon''': Then you trust me? :'''Delenn''': After a fashion. : . . . :''[later, after two attempts on their lives are foiled]'' :'''Neroon''': Dukhat chose you above all to follow him. Slowly, dimly, I begin to understand why. I do not know what lies ahead of us, Delenn. But I do know that it is right that we are here together. :'''Delenn''': Was that a compliment, Neroon? :'''Neroon''': ''[smiling wryly]'' After a fashion. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan is speaking with the Drazi ambassador about White Star ships on the borders of Centauri and Narn space.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|Sheridan]]''': I can't confirm that. :'''Drazi Ambassador''': But you're not denying it either. :'''Sheridan''': But not denying it doesn't make it true any more than not confirming it makes it false. Are you with me so far? :'''Drazi Ambassador''': I'm not sure. :'''Sheridan''': Ambassador, there are so many things in the universe that are and so many things that aren't. If I were to take the time to deny all the things that aren't, we'd be here for centuries, wouldn't we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Ivanova has been told to "plant" a story on the Voice of the Resistance.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': First, one brief announcement. I just wanted to mention, for those who have asked, that ''absolutely nothing whatsoever'' happened today in sector 83-by-9-by-12. I repeat, nothing happened. Please remain calm.{{hnote|This is a tongue-in-cheek reference to other instances of making a big deal on the news of "nothing happening" in the world, such as on April 18, 1930, when the BBC said there was no news to report and so played piano music for the rest of the programme. The quote has been misattributed to King George III's supposed diary entry on July 4, 1776, which said "Nothing important happened today," even though it was the day America declared independence.}} === [[w:Moments of Transition|Moments of Transition]] === :'''Security Guard''': Mind your own business. :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': "Humanity is my business." :''[the guard stares at him in confusion]'' :'''Bester''': Marley to Scrooge. [[Charles Dickens|Dickens]]. ''[[A Christmas Carol]]''? :''[the guard keeps staring]'' :'''Bester''': Well, it's good to see they're continuing the fine tradition of hiring from the shallow end of the gene pool. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bester''': Well, there is just no delicate way to say this. ''[beat]'' I want your body. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': WHAT?! Are you out of your mind?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bester works on Lyta's feelings of being ignored by the B5 staff.]'' :'''Bester''': I mean, being a freedom fighter, a…a force for good, it's…it's a ''wonderful'' thing. You get to make your own hours, looks good on a resume, but the pay…''sucks''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[his dying words as the Starfire Wheel consumes him]'' :'''Neroon''': I was born Warrior Caste! But I see now, the calling of my heart is RELIGIOUS! The war is over! Listen to her! LISTEN! <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines: Sheridan and Ivanova have viewed video of Earthforce ships destroying civilian transports carrying refugees from rebel planets]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': This madness has gone on long enough. I don't care if we're not ready. I don't care if we're outnumbered and outgunned. I don't care what ISN says about us. This stops, and it stops now! Now if Earth wants to declare war on us, then it is time we took that war to Clark. You tell the others. Starting ''right now'', we fight back and we fight back hard! :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': I thought you were looking for some other way than firing at our own ships. [[w:Superior orders|They were following orders]]. :'''Sheridan''': Any crew that executes an order like that is guilty of war crimes, and they deserve whatever they get. No, we're riding in, Susan. Anybody who wants to defect and join us? Fine. If they get in our way, we will knock them down. If they kill one of our ships, we'll kill three of theirs. And we keep going. We never slow down, and we won't stop. We're going after the colonies, then Mars, then Earth…and God help anybody who gets in our way. === [[w:No Surrender, No Retreat|No Surrender, No Retreat]] === :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Captain's personal log, September 2nd, 2261. ''Enough is enough''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vir is surprised at Garibaldi's disapproval of Sheridan's crusade against EarthGov.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': I don't always like the way ''Londo'' does things, and…well, me and most civilized worlds, but…you know, sometimes he's ''right''. So I force myself to give him the benefit of the doubt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivanova issues careful orders to B5 fighters for avoiding order-spoofing from EarthGov.]'' :'''David Corwin''': So from now on, I guess the operational phrase is "trust no one". :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': No. Trust Ivanova, trust yourself. Anybody else, shoot 'em! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Proxima 3, Marcus notes the approach of half the blockading destroyers.]'' :'''John Sheridan''': The hostiles might be splitting up so they can be with both groups, to keep them in line. :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': Unless they're ''all'' hostile, and some are just more hostile than others. :'''Sheridan''': Thank you for the ray of sunshine, Marcus. Next time I feel the need to be depressed, I'll remember to give you a call. === [[w:The Exercise of Vital Powers|The Exercise of Vital Powers]] === :''[Monitored by a telepath, Garibaldi tells Edgars of his suspicions about his employment.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Everybody lies. :'''William Edgars''': That's a very ''sad'' view of the universe, Mr. Garibaldi. :'''Garibaldi''': Yeah, well, it's the only one I got. And it works for me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Edgars''': Do you know how the ancient Greeks defined happiness? :'''Garibaldi''': Not off-hand, but I'd be willing to bet it involved three goats and a jug of wine. :'''Edgars''': "Happiness", they said, was "the exercise of vital powers along lines of excellence, in a life affording them scope". === [[w:The Face of the Enemy|The Face of the Enemy]] === :'''William Edgars''': The truth will be revealed in a couple of days. How many people can say that? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I don't know. But I think [[w: Judas Iscariot|the last guy]] got thirty pieces of silver for the same job. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Somewhere on Beta Colony there is an institution. In one room of the institution there is a man who spends his days and nights screaming at things that only he can see. Things ''we'' planted in his mind. They have to keep him in a straitjacket 24 hours a day or he'll claw his own eyes out just to make it stop. When it was over I transferred over to commercial work. I wanted out. The Corps took me in when I was just a few years old. They taught me what a telepath was, what we could do. Until that time I'd never been afraid of who we were. Until that day. When we did what we had to do…because no one else would. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': What's going on? You all look like a Pak'ma'ra just ate your cat. === [[w:Intersections in Real Time|Intersections in Real Time]] === :''[Sheridan tries to encourage an imprisoned Drazi.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You just have to say "no, I won't" ''one'' more time than they can say "yes, you will". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The interrogator leaves Sheridan in the room, with a recorded voice repeating over and over.]'' :'''Recording''': You will cooperate with the state, for the good of the state and your own survival. You will confess to the crimes of which you have been accused. You will be released and returned to society a productive citizen if you cooperate. Resistance will be punished. Cooperation will be rewarded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Sheridan''': You know, it's funny, I was thinking about what you said, that the preeminent truth of our age is that you cannot fight the system. But if, as you say, the truth is fluid, that the truth is subjective, then maybe you can fight the system. As long as just one person refuses to be broken, refuses to bow down. :'''Interrogator''': But can you win? :'''John Sheridan''': Every time I say "no." === [[w:Between the Darkness and the Light|Between the Darkness and the Light]] === :''[Threatened by the Mars Resistance, Garibaldi begs Lyta to force her way past his memory blocks.]'' :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Michael, if I do a deep scan, it could ''damage'' you. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': And if you don't, they're gonna kill me. Now, a headache I can get over. I'm not sure I'm gonna get over being dead anytime soon. : . . . :''[after she breaks the blocks and sees Garibaldi's memories]'' :'''Lyta''': It's true. What he told us, it's all true. :'''Number One''': Like that means a damn! How do we know that anything you say is the truth? You could be saying whatever the hell you want– :'''Lyta''': What do YOU know about Hell? Hmm? ''[she turns to face Number One, her eyes completely black]'' Would you like me to show it to you? Mine ''and'' his? :''[she telepathically projects Garibaldi's memories into Number One]'' :'''Number One''': ''[recoils]'' It's true. Damned, it's true! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi tries to use his ISN fame to get past Sheridan's guard.]'' :'''Guard''': ''[in a monotone]'' I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors and an unrealistic portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': This is the White Star fleet. Negative on the surrender. We will not stand down. :'''Captain Thomson, Earthforce''': Who is this? Identify yourself! :'''Ivanova''': Who am I? I am Susan Ivanova. Commander. Daughter of Andrei and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right hand of vengeance, and the boot that is going to kick your ''sorry'' ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart! I am Death Incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ''ever'' going to see. ''God'' sent me. === [[w:Endgame (Babylon 5)|Endgame]] === :'''[[w:Marcus Cole|Marcus Cole]]''': We've all been through six kinds of hell in the last few years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan's telepath gambit has disabled General Lefcourt's ship, along with the rest of the loyalist fleet.]'' :'''General Lefcourt''': Engineering, this is General Lefcourt. In case you didn't notice, the enemy just pulled our shorts up over our head and tied them into a knot. You will get the ship under control ASAP, or I will come down there and skin the hide off every last one of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan's liberation fleet finally confronts Earth itself.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': This is Captain John Sheridan. We are here on the authority of a multi-planetary force, that can no longer stand by and watch one of their greatest allies falling into darkness and despair. We are here on behalf of the thousands of civilians murdered under orders from the current administration, who have no one else to speak for them, and on behalf of the EarthForce units that have joined us to oppose the tyranny that has darkened Earth, ever since President Santiago was assassinated three years ago. We are here to place President Clark under arrest, to disband Nightwatch, and return ''our'' government to the hands of her people. We know that many in the government have wanted to act, but have been intimidated by threats of retaliation against your families, your friends. You are not alone anymore. We call upon you to rise up and do what's right! We have drawn their forces away from Earth and disabled them. The time to act is now! This is not the voice of treason. ''These'' are ''your'' sons, ''your'' daughters, whose loyalties have ''never'' wavered, whose beliefs in ''this'' alliance has ''[sic]'' forced us to take extraordinary means! For justice, for peace, for the future…''we have come home!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''John Sheridan''': ''[over radio]'' We need you, Delenn. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[commanding the League's fleet]'' We are there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marcus''': ''[as he's giving up his life energy to save Ivanova]'' I love you… === [[w:Rising Star (Babylon 5)|Rising Star]] === :''[Franklin comforts Ivanova in her grief over Marcus's sacrifice.]'' :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': All love is unrequited, Stephen. All of it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Earth President Susanna Luchenko''': Well, Captain, you caused quite a stir. Half of EarthForce wants to give you a kiss on the cheek and the Medal of Honor. The other half wants you taken out and shot. As a politician you learn how to compromise. Which by all right means I should give you the Medal of Honor, ''then'' have you shot. I confess the idea had a certain appeal when I mentioned it to the Joint Chiefs two hours ago. ''[…]'' The bitch of it is that you probably did the right thing. But you did it in the wrong way, in the inconvenient way. Now you have to pay the penalty for that. I know it stinks, but that's the way it is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I find it amazing that you think that threats still mean anything to me. "Do this or you're a dead man." Death! Been there, done that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the reveal that the new Interstellar Alliance has selected him as their first President]'' :'''Sheridan''': Funny thing about retiring. You no sooner pick out the places you want to go on vacation then someone comes at you with another job offer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo and G'Kar watch the ISN report on the new Alliance]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': So, how does it feel to make history, hmm? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': You do not make history. You can only hope to survive it. :'''Londo''': G'Kar, you are a depressing person. :'''G'Kar''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': It was the end of the Earth year 2261, and it was the dawn of a new age…for all of us. It was end of one chapter, and the beginning of another. The next twenty years would see great changes, great joy, and great sorrow. The Telepath War, and the Drakh War. The new Alliance would waver, and crack…but in the end, it would hold. Because what is built endures, and what is loved endures…and Babylon 5…Babylon 5 endures. === [[w:The Deconstruction of Falling Stars|The Deconstruction of Falling Stars]] === :''[Londo and G'Kar's arrive on Babylon 5 during a celebration.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': So Doctor…who died? :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': ''[confused]'' What are you talking about? :'''Londo''': Among my people this is how we celebrate state funerals. Our marriage ceremonies are solemn, sober. Moments of reflection…also regret, disagreement, argument and mutual recrimination. Once you know it can't get any worse you can sit back and enjoy the marriage. But to start with something like this? No, it is a very bad sign for the future. :''[Franklin and Garabaldi walk off.]'' :'''Londo''': Perhaps it is something I said? :'''G'Kar''': Perhaps it is everything you say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[500 years later, during a holographic simulation]'' :'''Delenn''': What we are isn't a matter of flesh, it's a matter of will. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': This little lab of yours...this isn't by any chance located on a military base, is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[1000 years later, in a future primitive Earth, Brother Alwyn advises the doubting Brother Michael.]'' :'''Brother Alwyn''': Faith sustains us in the hour when reason tells us that we cannot continue, that the whole of our lives is without meaning. :'''Brother Michael''': Then why were we born able to reason, if reason's useless? :'''Brother Alwyn''': Not ''useless''. But it's also not enough. Faith and reason are the shoes on your feet! You can travel further with both than you can with just one. If you must have reason for an answer, then consider this. If today the Rangers came back to Earth from their place in the heavens, you would not know about it. They would come in secret and move around us and help us and we wouldn’t even know that they were here, because the secret that they bring is feared by people who still blame science for the Great Burn. :'''Brother Michael''': Then you think the Rangers are here today? :'''Brother Alwyn''': Yes, I believe they could be. That is all that faith requires: that we surrender ourselves to the possibility of hope. With that, I am content. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The man from 1 million years hence prepares to leave the doomed Earth to the imminent Solar nova.]'' :'''Exeter''': This is how the world ends, swallowed in fire, but not in darkness. You will live on. The voice of all our ancestors, the voice of our fathers and our mothers to the last generation. We created the world we think you would've wished for us. And now we leave the cradle for the last time.{{hnote|Paraphrased from Russian physicist Konstantin Tsiolkovsky: 'The Earth is the cradle of the mind, but one cannot remain in the cradle forever.'}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the season]'' :'''John Sheridan''': …and I was wondering if they will remember us in hundred years from now or a thousand. And I figure probably not. :'''Delenn''': But it does not matter. We did what we did because it was right and not to be remembered. And history will attend to itself. It always does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[shown before the credits]'' :Dedicated to all the people who predicted that the Babylon Project would fail in its mission. Faith manages. == Season 5: The Wheel of Fire == === [[w:No Compromises|No Compromises]] === :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': As long as you're running an efficient operation and aren't looking for trouble, you are doing just fine. :'''David Corwin''': That's what I'm trying to tell you. Around here we don't have to go looking for trouble. On B5, trouble comes looking for us. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': On my world, we have learned that an inauguration is simply a signal to assassins that a new target has been set up on the firing range. <hr width="50%" /> :''[A second attempt on Sheridan's life has been foiled.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Do you want to be President? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Yes. :'''G'Kar''': Put your hand on the book and say "I do." :'''Sheridan''': I do. :'''G'Kar''': Good. Done. Let's eat. === [[w:The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari|The Very Long Night of Londo Mollari]] === :''[Londo's Brivari has been impounded for health and safety reasons, and he is berating Zack Allan.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Do you know what this is? No, I can see you do not. You have that vacant look in your eyes that says, "Hold my head to your ear; you will hear the sea." This is bravari, very old bravari, very expensive bravari. You understand bravari, hmm? :... :''[Vir takes Zack away to talk privately with him after Londo becomes irate.]'' :'''Londo''': Here, Take my shoe! It will be as useful to you as ''he'' is! <hr width="50%" /> :''[Lennier and Vir meet in the Zocalo for what might be the last time.]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': You couldn't sleep either. :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': No. I heard about your… situation. :'''Vir Cotto''': I heard about yours. As Mr. Garibaldi would say, it's been one hell of a day. :'''Lennier''': Yes, a hell of a day. :'''Vir Cotto''': And a hell of a year. :'''Lennier''': A hell of a 5 years. :'''Vir Cotto''': A hell of a ''life''. :'''Lennier''': ''[smiles]'' …you win. :''[He looks at the drink in Vir's hands]'' :'''Lennier''': What kind of drink is that? :'''Vir Cotto''': I'm not sure. The bartender called it a "Shirley Temple." :'''Lennier''': Interesting. I've studied many Earth religions and I don't think I've ever heard of that particular temple. :'''Vir''': Me neither. But, it's real good. :'''Lennier''': Well then. I shall make a point to visit it on my next trip to Earth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo is having a vision about his life, for part of which he is sitting at a bar]'' :'''Londo''': All of the bottles here are empty? The metaphor's getting a bit thick, don't you think? <hr width="50%" /> :''[Londo sees Vir in his vision, discussing his dream of dying sixteen years in the future.]'' :'''Londo''': The dream is prophecy. :'''Vir''': Prophecy is a guess that comes true. When it doesn't, it's a metaphor. You could put a gun to your head tomorrow and pull the trigger, and then the dream is ''just'' a dream, and the prophecy is ''just'' a metaphor, and so are you. You're out of time, Londo. Turn around. === [[w:The Paragon of Animals|The Paragon of Animals]] === :''[Both read aloud from the opening of the Alliance's Declaration of Principles, written by G'Kar.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': The Universe speaks in many languages but only one voice. A language which is not Narn or Human or Centauri or Gaim or Minbari. It speaks in the language of hope. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It speaks in the language of trust. It speaks in the language of strength and the language of compassion. It is the language of the heart and of the language of the soul; but always it is the same voice; it is the voice of our ancestors speaking through us, and the voice of our inheritors waiting to be born; it is the small still voice that says: "We are one." No matter the blood, no matter the skin, no matter the world, no matter the star. We are one. No matter the pain, no matter the darkness, no matter the loss, no matter the fear. We are one. Here, gathered together in common cause we agree to recognize this singular truth and this singular rule: that we must be kind to one another. :'''Sheridan''': Because each voice enriches us and ennobles us, and each voice lost diminishes us. We are the voice of the universe, the soul of creation, the fire that will light the way to a better future. We are one. :'''G'Kar''': ''We'' are ''one''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Byron''': That's why we're here. Because we're tired of being ordered around by those who cannot hear the song. Tired of being used as cannon fodder, as inquisitors, as executioners, and as bloodhounds. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': They forget we're human beings, too. :'''Byron''': No, not human beings. Better. That's why they're afraid of us. It's all ego, you know. "What a piece of work is man. How noble in reason. How infinite in faculties. In form and moving how express and admirable. In action how like an angel. In apprehension how like a god. The beauty of the world. The paragon of animals." The paragon of animals. 6,000 years of brutality, murder and slavery. An animal does not do this to its own kind, but they do it to each other. And they would do it to ''us!'' Unless we stop them. Unless we find a way to help each other. Unless we care for one another. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After getting the members of the Alliance to sign the Declaration of Principles, Sheridan and Delenn sit in the conference room, admiring the table full of signed scrolls. G'Kar bursts in.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Ah, Mr. President. ''[sees the documents]'' Oh, good, good, good. I was looking for these. ''[begins gathering them up and shoving them in his bag]'' :'''Sheridan''': What are you doing? :'''G'Kar''': Well, we need to get everyone to sign them again! :'''Sheridan''': What? ''[stands, flabbergasted]'' We… Do you understand what we went through to get them signed even once? :'''G'Kar''': I revised it again. It's better. :'''Sheridan''': G'Kar! :'''G'Kar''': But look. :''[He offers another scroll to Sheridan, who snatches it angrily out of his hands. He and Delenn start to read. His anger fades, replaced by awe.]'' :'''Sheridan''': ''[surprised]'' It's better. :''[Having gathered the old, signed copies, G'Kar retakes the new version from Sheridan, snatching it from his grasp. He dashes out of the council chamber, leaving a stunned Sheridan and Delenn in his wake.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Some days, it's like living in a madhouse. === [[w:A View from the Gallery|A View from the Gallery]] === :'''Mack''': Tastes like chicken! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': What if the station falls? :'''[[w:Sheridan|Sheridan]]''': Then, as you said to me once, "I'll see you again in the place where no shadows fall." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack:''' (sees Bo cross himself) When did you get religious? :'''Bo:''' I'm not, just respect, that's all. Every time we get a red star born out there, somebody's life ends. :'''Bo:''' Sure looks pretty (referring to a White Star) :'''Mack:''' You think? :'''Bo:''' Hell yeah, what do you think? :'''Mack:''' Me? I always thought they looked like plucked chickens. Hey, it's not my fault they were designed that way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Byron (Babylon 5)|Byron]]''' (looking at an alien helmet) [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Hamlet#Act_V A fellow of infinite jest... I knew him Horatio.] :'''Mack:''' It's Mack, actually. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Byron:''' At the moment of death there is a passing of energy, an explosion of consciousness. It permeates everything in close proximity... your clothes, jewelry... anything. We can still feel him - what he was, what he did, his hopes, and fears, and expectations. It's still there for a minutes, then it will disappear... joining him in silence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''' What, are you afraid I won't come back G'Kar? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''' No, afraid you will. :'''Mack:''' (to Bo) So... how long you figure they been married? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mack:''' Hey, did you see that smile? I mean it was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. :'''Bo:''' I did indeed. Suddenly, I think I understand Sheridan a lot better. :'''Mack:''' How do you mean? :'''Bo:''' Well, dead or alive, I'd climb my way out of hell and through ten miles of solid rock to see that smile again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after their last encounter with Delenn]'' :'''Mack''': Bo? :'''Bo''': Yeah? :'''Mack''': She remembered my name. :'''Bo''': ''Our'' names. :'''Mack''': I think I'm in love. :'''Bo''': She's married. :'''Mack''': Eh. We can work something out. === [[w:Learning Curve (Babylon 5)|Learning Curve]] === :''[Sech Durhan asks fellow Ranger trainer Sech Turval to join him on a trip to Babylon 5.]'' :'''Durhan''': ''[good-natured]'' You are a source of constant annoyance to me, Turval, but only because you're right more often than you're wrong. And why should I keep this ''joy'' to myself? I choose to share you with the universe! ''[deadpan]'' Valen help them all. <hr width=50%/> :''[Sech Turval comforts Ranger trainee Rastenn, who abandoned his fellow trainee to fight an enemy alone in a moment off uncharacteristic fear.]'' :'''Turval''': We create the meaning in our lives. It does not exist independently. Being ''Anla-shok'' [Ranger] does not mean worrying about what others will think about us. It does not mean deciding what to do based upon whether or not it serves our sense of ego or destiny. It means living each moment as if it were your last one. It means doing each right thing because it is the right thing. The scale doesn't matter. The where, the when, the how, or in what cause… none of those things matter. In my life, I've discovered very few truths. Here is the greatest truth I know: Your death, Rastenn, will have a meaning if it comes while you're in fullest pursuit of your heart. <hr width=50%/> :''[after a Ranger trainee has been attacked, his teacher declares ''Mora'dum''—the application of terror]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Captain, this is not about revenge. :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh? Then what is this about? :'''Delenn''': Terror. : . . . :'''Lochley''': So, what kind of terror are we talking about here, Delenn? :'''Delenn''': The kind that cripples…the kind that destroys. Not from without, but from within. As soon as he can stand, whether he is fully healed or not, Tannier will prepare to face his terror. Those who harmed him now have power over him. He must take back that power or he will never be whole again. We will go with him, and bring him to the point of his terror. And then, he will face it. :'''Lochley''': But if he isn't fully healed, he could die in the effort. :'''Delenn''': As Anla'shok, we choose to do that which frightens us, knowing that there are no guarantees. He may lose; we cannot help him. :'''Lochley''': Then he will stand alone. :'''Delenn''': At the end, Captain, we all stand alone. <hr width=50%/> :''[The Ranger trainees encircle Tannier and the human who attacked him, watching the ''Mora'dum'' play out, but not interfering.]'' :'''Sech Turval''': Attend, students, this is a classic archetype in action. The strong man—or 'bully', as the humans call it—essentially a coward whose only skill is convincing others to do what he's afraid to do himself. :'''Sech Durhan''': Notice the lack of technique, no follow through. Another flaw in this particular personality type…all muscle, no brain. === [[w:Strange Relations (Babylon 5)|Strange Relations]] === :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I'm caught in a web of my own good intentions. :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': Well, the road to hell is paved with them, sir. :'''Sheridan''': I know. But why does it have to go through this office? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lyta demonstrates her telekinesis by "slapping" two of Bester's Psi Cops]'' :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Not bad. Tell me, is that really telekinesis, or are you just pushing the nerve endings, making them feel as if they've been slapped? Either way, it's taken a lot out of you, Lyta. You're sweating, flushed. How many times can you do that, Lyta? Can you do just one at a time? Maybe two? How about three? How about a half dozen of us? :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': I don't know. Like you said, I'm new at this. I could even make a mistake. Maybe even pop a blood vessel in someone's head by accident by pushing too hard. Feel like playing the odds, Mr. Bester? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lochley''': What the hell is your problem? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': For starters, I don't know you, therefore I don't trust you. :'''Lochley''': The world's full of people you don't know. :'''Garibaldi''': I worry about that all the time. :'''Lochley''': Tough. Get over it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after realizing Garibaldi has accessed her personnel file, Lochley storms out of her office]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Where you going? :'''Lochley''': To ''pound'' someone, Mr. Allan. You win. I just decided if you can't join 'em, beat 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar and Delenn are discussing how he can best help the Alliance. They turn to the topic of Londo's return to Centauri Prime.]'' :'''G'Kar''': He should have a bodyguard assigned to him at all times while he is there. Someone we can rely on, someone, uh… someone we can trust. Someone strong… strong enough to… :''[He looks down to see Delenn eyeing him, excitedly.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Oh, no… :... :'''Delenn''': The Alliance is about learning to overcome our distrust and form a new community. Can you think of a better symbol? :'''G'Kar''': No, and I'm trying. ''Believe'' me. :... :'''Delenn''': You would naturally have to accompany him on all state business and be there to guard him. In the palace. In the Royal Court. :'''G'Kar''': ''[brightens]'' A Narn in the Centauri Royal Court? ''[laughs]'' It is a curiously satisfying image, Delenn! :... :''[Later, Delenn meets with Londo Mollari just before he and G'Kar leave.]'' :'''Londo Mollari''': ''[worried]'' ''G'Kar''? You've assigned ''G'Kar'' as my bodyguard? :'''Delenn''': Yes. I think your generosity in working with him will be an excellent symbol of unity for all the other races who could join the Alliance. :'''Londo''': A symbol… :'''Delenn''': Yes. :'''Londo''': And you tried this line on G'Kar? :'''Delenn''': I did. :'''Londo''': And did it work? :'''Delenn''': Completely. :'''Londo''': ''[swears]'' Great Maker! === [[w:Secrets of the Soul|Secrets of the Soul]] === :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': Byron, the Vorlons changed me. More than you could possibly know. I don't know what it'll do once you get past my barriers and I get past yours. It could burn you. :'''Byron''': Then let it burn. :''[After they make love, Lyta's barriers go down, and they both witness the full measure of what the Vorlons did: not only to her, but to all telepaths. They meet with the rest of Byron's people.]'' :'''Byron''': It was the Vorlons. :'''Lyta''': Yes. :'''Byron''': They created telepaths on a hundred worlds. Interfered with their genetic development. Took people from their homeworlds and adjusted them over the course of the centuries. :'''Lyta''': Yes. :'''Byron''': Because they needed telepaths in their war against the Shadows. Needed us as cannon fodder. :'''Lyta''': Yes. :'''Byron''': We would be normal. We would have ''lives''. We would be able to walk and live and work among normals without fear of persecution if the Vorlons had not interfered with our normal development. We were made for their benefit, to save them. We were told that our abilities were our gift and our curse, and that we were somehow responsible for it. But we're not. We're not. === [[w:Day of the Dead (Babylon 5)|Day of the Dead]] === :''[Rebo enters the customs waiting area and places his duffel bag on the counter.]'' :'''Customs Guard''': Anything to declare? :'''Rebo''': ''[brightly]'' I have nothing to declare, my dear man, except my genius! :''[He unzips the bag, and Zooty unfolds from inside.]'' :'''Zooty''': ''[through his machine]'' And I have nothing to declare but Rebo's genius either! Zooty-zoot, zoot, zoot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo talks to a portrait of the first Centauri emperor.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': So. When ''you'' were emperor, it ''meant'' something. Subduer of the Xon and the Shoggren. Now–pffft–''anyone'' can be emperor. ''I'' can be emperor. ''Vir'' can be emperor. If Vir can be emperor…a small Earth cat can be emperor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Brakiri Day of the Dead has begun, and part of the station is…''off-limits''.]'' :'''Lt. David Corwin''': There seems to be a slight problem, sir. It's kind of hard to explain. We seem to be missing a piece of the station. We can't reach it. We can't communicate with it. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': That piece is almost a square mile across. You can't just lose something that big. :'''Lt. Corwin''': I agree, but it's still missing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lennier is visited by Morden.]'' :'''[[w:Lennier|Lennier]]''': I came for wisdom. :'''[[w:Morden (Babylon 5)|Morden]]''': You don't come to the dead for wisdom, Lennier. My head was cut from my body. Even now, it rots on a pole outside the Imperial Palace. Birds have taken the hair for their nests. Maggots ate my flesh. And you want ''wisdom?'' :'''Lennier''': Yes, I do. : . . . :'''Lennier''': Why did you help me? I know what kind of a man you were. :'''Morden''': Give a dog a bad name, and you can hang him with it. You shouldn't listen to everything Sheridan tells you. Actually, I'm surprised he's not here tonight, since he died at Z'ha'dum. Is there any coffee here or not? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi is visited by Dodger.]'' :'''Dodger''': It's some guy's fantasy. A love-hungry red-head who will disappear in the morning never to be seen again! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I'm sorry Dodger, what were you saying? :'''Dodger''': ''[frustrated]'' It's a good thing I'm only here another hour or so, cupcake. Two weeks of this, I'd kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheridan and Delenn greet Rebo and Zooty in their quarters, where they have all gathered for dinner. As Delenn and Zooty walk off, Sheridan leans in to talk to Rebo.]'' :'''Sheridan''': You know, I was really hoping to talk to Zooty. You know, without the machine. :'''Rebo''': Yeah. He never breaks character, not even around me. In ten years, I've only heard him say one word without the machine. :'''Sheridan''': Oh. Oh. What's the word? :'''Rebo''': ''Why''. :'''Sheridan''': Oh, just curious. :'''Rebo''': No, no. That was the word. "''Why''". In ten years, I haven't figured it out myself. :... :''[Later, in the Zocalo, Zooty gestures for Sheridan to lean close. He takes off his hat, puts it over the machine hanging from his pocket, and whispers conspiratorially to Sheridan. Sheridan's eyes go wide, and Zooty nods in confirmation. He dons his hat and walks off. G'Kar runs up to him.]'' :'''G'Kar''': What did he say?! :'''Sheridan''': ''[astonished]'' "Because it ''tells'' me to…" === [[w:In the Kingdom of the Blind|In the Kingdom of the Blind]] === :'''Minister Vatelli:''' (referring to G'Kar) And I see you brought your own entertainment with you! An excellent idea... and quite brave of you to let him so close without keeping him in chains. Perhaps we should change that. Just a few chains to make the others more comfortable before we put him in a cell. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': He is my bodyguard. :'''Vatelli:''' Well, it's good to know that his excellency's sense of humor is intact after such a long voyage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Regent Virini''': You do understand, Jano, that if it were my decision, that I would never let anyone harm you, I would never let anyone hurt you. If it were my decision. But it's not my decision, you see. ''[Jano is killed by the Drakh]'' Not my decision at all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[on Centauri Prime, Minister Vole brings forth the guard who nearly whipped G'Kar to death a year before and offers the Narn a chance at retaliation]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Tell me, Minister. If I were to strike you, which would you be angry at? The hand that struck you, or the heart that commanded it? :'''Minister Vole''': Well, the heart, of course. :'''G'Kar''': The hand has no choice but to do as it is told. It is the heart that carries the burden. And that heart is dead in both of us, Minister. It died with Cartagia, and it died in me soon after. Besides, everyone knows that the true source of pain is neither the hand nor the heart. It is the mouth., is it not, Minister? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Byron essentially blackmails the Alliance council]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Never, ever, ''ever'' trust a telepath. I swear to you, I'm gonna have that tattooed inside my eyelids. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': But they did it in the wrong way, the inconvenient way. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I seem to recall the Earth president saying the same thing to you, after your civil war. ''[she leaves]'' :'''Sheridan''': I hate that she has a memory, don't you? :'''Garibaldi''': Damned inconvenient! <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': It's bad luck to die on an empty stomach. === [[w:A Tragedy of Telepaths|A Tragedy of Telepaths]] === :''<nowiki>[</nowiki>[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]] and [[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]] are discussing the inexplicable rise in Centauri military spending.]'' :'''G'Kar''': Well, with everyone now on the same side, perhaps you're planning to invade yourselves for a change. I find the idea curiously appealing. Once you've finished killing each other, we can plow under all the buildings and plant rows of flowers that spell out the words "too annoying to live" in letters big enough to be seen from space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Londo muses about the task of breaking Na'Toth out of her cell.]'' :'''Londo''': We have to do it without killing a guard, without raising any alarms, and without anyone noticing that she is gone. For my next trick, I shall fly around the room under my own power. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Why is it that we always break up our history by the wars, not the years of peace? The Hundred Years War, the War of 1812, the first three world wars, the Dilgar War, the War of the Shining Star, the Minbari War, the Shadow War—why the war and not the peace? Because it's exciting. And because on some level people like to see something big fall apart and explode from the inside out. And right now, John, ''we're'' that something. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Bester]]''': My people are in there. And several others just tried to kill me, but then, what family doesn't have its difficulties? <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Drazi|Drazi]] Ambassador''': Every great fall begins with a single mistake. === [[w:Phoenix Rising|Phoenix Rising]] === :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Bester]]''': Every race to develop telepaths has had to find some way to control them, through laws, religion, drugs, or extermination. We may not be pretty, but we're a hell of a lot better than the alternatives. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': You can't change human nature, Byron. :'''Byron''': Then there's not much point in living, is there? If you can't hope for something better, something nobler, at least something kinder? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Byron reveals his past to Lyta.]'' :'''Byron''': I'm a strong P-12. :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': But all P-12s are automatically designated Psi Cops. You were a Psi Cop? :'''Byron''': Not just a Psi Cop. Bester's protege. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Byron''': We are no longer who we were. We are what we have become. What ''you'' made us! === [[w:The Ragged Edge|The Ragged Edge]] === :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Who knew that the presidency was 50% panic and 50% paperwork? <hr width="50%" /> :'''Sheridan''': Can you stall ''[the Alliance council]'' a bit? :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Not a problem. I'll tell them we're declaring war on Earth. That'll give them something positive to think about. :'''Sheridan''': ''[distracted]'' Good. Good. Give me the paperwork and I'll sign it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': He ''[a Narn]'' seems very glad to see you. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Yes, but we weren't gone that long. Less than a month. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Well, there you have the key to your popularity: your absence. Go away for a month and they bow. Go away for six months and they'll tear the place apart when you come back. Perhaps you should go away and never come back again. Then your popularity will be so overwhelming it would blacken the stars. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Mollari– :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': I have always said this about you: nothing so improves your company like the lack of it. ... Perhaps you can make some money from this: ten credits for you not to be there for an hour, a hundred credits for you not to be there for the day. And for you not to be there for the rest of your life, well, they could never afford it. <hr width="50%" /> :'''G'Kar''': Where is my book? It is my only copy! :'''Ta'Lon''': Yes, that is precisely the point. The Kha'Ri felt that if anything happened to you ''[on Centauri Prime]'' the book of G'Kar would never see the light of day, so we "liberated" it ''[from G'Kar's quarters]''. :'''G'Kar''': Liberated it? :'''Ta'Lon''': We took it home. Those that read it were very moved by it and they made some copies. :'''G'Kar''': ''[aghast]'' Copies?! :'''Ta'Lon''': Just a few…for their friends. A few more…later a few more copies. :'''G'Kar''': ''How many?!'' :'''Ta'Lon''': That's hard to say, exactly. There was some confusion when it went to the printers. :'''G'Kar''': Printers?! I've only been gone for a month, Ta'Lon, there can't be that many copies floating around this quickly. How many? :'''Ta'Lon''': Five or six…hundred…thousand. :'''G'Kar''': ''What?!'' :'''Ta'Lon''': I've been told that it will out-sell the book of G'Quan. ''[G'Kar stares at him in shock]'' Congratulations, citizen G'Kar. You are now a religious icon. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Garibaldi and Tafiq are discussing [[w:Drazi|Drazi]] cities]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': What's with the streets? They're so narrow, you can hardly get by. :'''Tafiq''': Tradition. Goes back centuries. To prevent invaders from taking their city, they built their streets too narrow for armies or engines of war. When you have to go by two or three at a time, you are most vulnerable. :'''Michael Garibaldi''': See, now you can fly over and drop these things called "bombs". <hr width="50%" /> :'''G'Kar''': All my life, I have been responsible only for myself. When I risk, I risked alone to avoid making others pay the price for my mistakes. They want me to show them another way. What if I show them the wrong way? What if they come to me not because of the lesson, but because of the teacher? I worry, Ta'Lon, that my shadow may become greater than the message. :'''Ta'Lon''': If that happens, I give you my word that I will personally kill you. :'''G'Kar''': And this is supposed to put my mind at ease? === [[w:The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father|The Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father]] === :'''Psi Cop Lauren Ashley''': We don't often see a sense of humor in Psi Cops. :'''[[w:Alfred Bester (Babylon 5)|Alfred Bester]]''': Reports of our depression are vastly exaggerated. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zack greets Bester in pretty much the same fashion as his predecessor.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Don't you ever go away? Haven't you caused enough trouble for one lifetime? :'''Bester''': It's a pleasure to see you too, Mr. Allan. Where can I find Captain Lochley? I should check in with her. :'''Zack''': She's busy, you can check in with me. Card. ''[Bester hands over his identicard.]'' So what is it this time, Mr. Bester? Hunting out freedom fighters? Pulling wings off flies? Annexing the Sudetenland? <hr width="50%" /> :''[Zack implies Bester had something to do with a dead body being dead.]'' :'''Bester''': He was dead before we got here. :'''Zack''': ''[to Bester]'' Yeah, they told me. But I never let the facts get in the way of a good grudge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bartender in Downbelow''': I've seen all kinds, kid. Seen an alien come through here last week with eight compound eyes and a glass stomach. Two fingers of gin, he's down. Completely unconscious for two full hours, and he wants to do it again. I've seen a naked Pak'ma'ra once. You know that hump on their back? It's not a hump at all, it's a… <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bester''': Of all the things in life I could drown in–love, music, the eyes of another–crocodile tears are the least appealing. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bester''': Oh, come on, doctor, we have a history here. Tell the truth. You don't want me here a second more than I want to be here. :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Personally, no. But as a doctor I have to treat all of my patients equally. Even the annoying, self-righteous ones with self-important delusions of godhood. :'''Bester''': Thank you. I feel far more at home now. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Bester''' ''[to Franklin]'': You're an optimist. Thank you. I had almost forgotten what one of your kind looked like. === [[w:Meditations on the Abyss|Meditations on the Abyss]] === :''[Lennier is concerned he has offended Captain Montoya with his curiosity.]'' :'''Findell''': No, the captain does not believe in indiscreet questions. He believes the only way to get pertinent information is to ask impertinent questions. <hr width="50%" /><span id="impertinent-questions"></span> :''[G'Kar meets with his acolytes.]'' :'''Narn Acolyte''': What is truth, and what is God? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp is our search for truth, for understanding. Too often we assume that the light on the wall is God. But the light is not the goal of the search; it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it! Similarly, someone who does not search, who does not bring a lantern with him, sees nothing. What we perceive as God, is the byproduct of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light, pure and unblemished, not understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center of the universe. God looks astonishingly like we do! Or we turn to look at our shadow, and assume that all is darkness. If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose; which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the wall in all its beauty… and in all its flaws. And in so doing better understand the world around us. :'''Acolyte''': Ah, yes, but what is truth, and what is God? :'''G'Kar''': ''[sighs]'' Truth is… a river. :''[The acolytes remark in awe.]'' :'''Acolyte''': And what is God? :'''G'Kar''': God is… ''[thinks]'' the mouth of the river. <hr width="50%" /> :'''Captain Montoya''': To be Anla'Shok means understanding that there is nothing to fear in death except the failure to complete our assigned mission. Death is not the enemy. Death simply is. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Vir walks into Londo's quarters]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Something I can do for you, Vir? :''[Vir walks past Londo and grabs a sword off of the wall without slowing down]'' :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': No, I just need to borrow this for a minute. I'll be right back. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Vir is attacking a Drazi merchant/spy in public]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': What happened to Vir? :'''Londo''': I promoted him. Now, ''now'' he is ready to be the ambassador for the Centauri. <hr width="50%" /> :''[Zack relates the incident with Vir in the Zocalo to Sheridan, Franklin, and Delenn, all laughing]'' :'''Franklin''': And Londo? :'''Zack''': Oh, he was just standing there, watching as Vir tore the place apart! ''[more laughter; Zack puts on self-important tone]'' "Today he is a man!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very drunk Garibaldi stumbles into his quarters.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': Sh…Show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I had a little…oh, that's a big drink…about an hour ago and it went right to my head. ''[pauses]'' What did I do…with that link? You here, Linky, Linky, Linky? Here, Linky? ''[finds his link]'' Oh, the missing link! === [[w:Darkness Ascending|Darkness Ascending]] === :''[After Lise confronts Garibaldi about his drinking.]'' :'''Lise''': I'm sorry. :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I don't ''want'' you to be sorry. I don't need your pity. I don't need anybody's pity. All I know is that I'm tired of being controlled. Controlled by others, by fear, by my past, by what everybody else expects of me and it's enough. '''Enough.''' And this? ''[points at the bottle]'' This is my own private little act of rebellion, yeah. I may not be able to control what other people do to me, but I can at least be in control what I do to myself. <hr width="50%" /> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Now, it is absolutely inappropriate of you to pull a stunt like that without telling me. I can not have you making— :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': ''[interrupting]'' You are right. :'''Sheridan''': I—''[pauses]'' Oh, damn it Delenn, I have been working up a good mad all day and I am not about to let you undercut it by agreeing with me! <hr width="50%" /> :'''Garibaldi''': Barring an act of God—and since I don't believe in God, that kind of narrows the odds a bit—by this time tomorrow, we're gonna be at war with the Centauri. === [[w:And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder|And All My Dreams, Torn Asunder]] === :'''Centauri Minister''': Is that why you brought ''it'' [G'Kar] along? :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': No, he is still here as my bodyguard, that's all. Where I go, he goes. :'''Centauri Minister''': My condolences. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Thank you. It's a burden, but I've come to accept it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Centauri Minister''': I'm sure you would like to freshen up. ''Both'' of you. :'''G'Kar''': It's a natural musk. I rather enjoy it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': Careful minister, we don't want my companion to get the wrong idea. We don't normally treat our guests so badly. :'''G'Kar''': Yes you do. :'''Londo''': Shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Centauri official comes to arrest G'Kar]'' :'''Londo''': Where he goes, I go. :'''Londo''' ''[to G'Kar]'': Don't worry. Even one as arrogant as this would not take it upon himself to imprison his own prime minister. :''[Cut to the next scene, Londo and G'Kar are in a prison cell]'' :'''Londo''': ''[to G'Kar]'': Shut up. :'''G'Kar''': I didn't say anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Delenn meditates in front of a candle, praying in light of the soon-to-be war. Sheridan comes out of their bedroom and sits with her.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': What does the candle represent? :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Life. :'''Sheridan''': Whose life? :'''Delenn''': All life. Every life. We are all born as molecules in the hearts of a billion stars. Molecules that do not understand politics or policies or differences. Over a billion years, we foolish molecules forget who we are and where we came from. In desperate acts of ego, we give ourselves names, fight over lines on maps, and pretend that our light is better than everyone else's. The flame reminds us of the piece of those stars that live inside us. A spark that tells us: you should know better. The flame also reminds us that life is precious, as each flame is unique. When it goes out, it's gone forever, and there will never be another quite like it. So many candles will go out tonight. I wonder some days if we can see anything at all. === [[w:Movements of Fire and Shadow|Movements of Fire and Shadow]] === :''[After G'Kar has been imprisoned and Londo went with him as a matter of honor.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': I still think you should leave, Mollari. :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': No. I said where you go, I go. It's become a matter of principle. :'''G'Kar''': You picked a terrible moment in your social evolution to develop principles. Perhaps you can start with something simpler. The moral equivalent of the opposable thumb, for instance. === [[w:The Fall of Centauri Prime|The Fall of Centauri Prime]] === :'''Regent Virini''': They say: the Shadows were our masters. We served them, believed in them, loved them. Then they went away and left us behind to escape on our own. But without our masters… who are we? In the end… what are we but… :'''Shiv'kala''': A shadow… of a shadow. An echo… of what was. Our home, Z'ha'dum, destroyed. We… wandered. Then we remembered… this place. We remembered… ''you''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Regent Virini''': I have been many things in my life, Mollari. I have been silly. I have been quiet when I should have spoken. I have been foolish. And I have wasted far too much time. But I am still Centauri, and I am not afraid. :''[the Drakh keeper leaves his body, and he dies in Londo's arms]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Isn't it strange, G'Kar? When we first met I had no power and all the choices I could ever want. And now I have all the power I could ever want and no choices at all. No choice at all. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Mollari. Understand that I can never forgive your people for what they did to my world. My people can never forgive your people. But ''I'' can forgive ''you''. === [[w:Wheel of Fire|Wheel of Fire]] === :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': Can God make a rock so big, that even he can't lift it? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Yes, I've heard it, but ... :'''Franklin''': What if that is the wrong question? I wonder if the right question is, can God create a puzzle so difficult, a riddle so complex, that even he can't solve it? What if that's ''us''? Maybe a problem like this is God's way of doing to us a little of what we do to him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lochley and Zack go to the Zocalo to arrest Lyta on suspicion of terrorism. She displays how she has the entire Zocalo under her mental control.]'' :'''Lyta Alexander''': I'm tired of being pushed around, Captain. I do not choose to be arrested. I've done a lot for this place…and just once I think a little gratitude would be in order, don't you? :'''Elizabeth Lochley''': Lyta, don't force us to- :'''Lyta''': To what? :'''Lochley''': ''[gestures to Zack]'' Zack… :''[He doesn't move. He, the deputies, and the rest of the crowd appear to be catatonic.]'' :'''Lochley''': Zack! :'''Lyta''': You cannot harm me. You cannot stop someone who's been touched by Vorlons. :''[A PPG appears and lines up with the side of Lyta's head. Sheridan steps out of the crowd.]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': You're not the only one that's been touched by the Vorlons. ''[gestures to the crowd]'' Let them go. :''[Lyta stands resolute. Sheridan presses the gun into the side of her head.]'' :'''Sheridan''': Let 'em go or I'll blow the back of your skull off! :''[Lyta relaxes her mental control, and the crowd begins moving again.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Franklin and Sheridan meet to discuss the situation with Lyta.]'' :'''Sheridan''': What could make her turn like this? :'''Franklin''': Well, let's see. She was…adjusted by the Vorlons, dumped by the Vorlons, used as a weapon, quit the Corps, lost the only man she ever loved, and dedicated herself to finishing his work. Pick one or all of the above. Let's face it, she's pissed. :'''Sheridan''': Massively. :... :'''Sheridan''': I tell ya, the ''next'' person who acts irrationally, I swear I'm gonna shoot myself in the head. :''[Delenn bursts into the room in a rage, pacing back and forth while ranting.]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': BASTARDS! :'''Franklin''': Did she just…? :'''Sheridan''': She did. :'''Franklin''': I'll get the gun. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi confronts Lyta in her cell.]'' :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I need to know, Lyta. Something's happened to your abilities. You're not a P-5 anymore, hell, you're not even a P-''12''. You're the strongest telepath I've ever seen. What did the Vorlons do to you, Lyta? Who…what are you? :'''Lyta''': I've only recently begun to understand it myself. You know the Vorlons used telepaths as weapons during the Shadow War, but what no one stopped to consider was that in a war, you have a certain number of small weapons, a certain number of medium-size weapons, and one or two big ones. The kind of weapons you drop when you're out of small weapons and the medium weapons and you've got nothing left to use. :'''Garibaldi''': Someone like that would be the telepathic equivalent of a thermonuclear device. A doomsday weapon. :''[Lyta turns to face him, smiling, and her eyes start glowing white.]'' :'''Lyta''': Pleased to meet you, Mr. Garibaldi. === [[w:Objects in Motion|Objects in Motion]] === :'''[[w:Lyta Alexander|Lyta Alexander]]''': You'll forgive the accommodations. :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It's a cell. I've gotten used to them. Frankly, I've done some of my best writing in places like this. In here, you cannot run from yourself. : '''. . .''' :'''Lyta''': It's ironic. You have to leave because everybody wants you. They're fighting over you. And I have to leave because nobody wants me. :'''G'Kar''': And yet, we are the same in many ways. We are all the sum of our tears. Too little and the ground is not fertile, and nothing can grow there. Too much, the best of us is washed away. My rains have come and gone, for now. Yours are just beginning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[G'Kar comes face to face with one of his more-devout "followers".]'' :'''Narn''': We put you in this position, G'Kar. Our reverence is our gift to you, and you ''are'' responsible to us. You ''owe'' us. Without us… you are nothing. :'''G'Kar''': Then I am nothing. Goodbye. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Number One''': So it really couldn't– :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': No, you're right. It couldn't– :'''Number One''': So there we are. :'''Franklin''': There you go, yeah. :'''Franklin''': You know, I do have about an hour before my next shift starts, in case you wanted to…celebrate your new job. :'''Number One''': More than an hour or less than an hour? :'''Franklin''': About an hour and ten minutes. :'''Number One''': You go on ahead. You know how I like the lights. <hr width="50%"/> :'''G'Kar''': I believe that when we leave a place, part of it goes with us and part of us remains. Go anywhere in the station when it is quiet, and just listen. After a while, you will hear the echoes of all our conversations, every thought and word we’ve exchanged. Long after we are gone, our voices will linger in these walls for as long as this place remains. But I will admit that the part of me that is going will very much miss the part of you that is staying. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': It occurs to me I have never walked the length of this place, end to end. :'''[[w: John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Well, Delenn, it's 5 miles long. :'''Delenn''': I know. Coming? :'''Sheridan''': Now? :'''Delenn''': Now is all we have. === [[w:Objects at Rest|Objects at Rest]] === :''[G'Kar gives a "pep talk" to his successor, Ta'Lon, via a time-delayed message.]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Greetings, Ta'Lon. I'm leaving this message for you because it appears I must leave Babylon 5 sooner than I had intended. I would have preferred to say this in person, but since I cannot, let me say it here. Now that I am gone, someone else must speak for our people. I would like for that person… to be you. Knowing you as I do, Ta'Lon, I'm sure you're wondering, why you? :'''Ta'Lon''': To say the least. :'''G'Kar''': I believe there is a time for enlightenment and a time for things to get done. I have become a distraction for our people. They require patience, direction, determination, and strength. I have provided a little of the first two. Now, you must provide the rest. You have always been sensible and level-headed. A rock that will never shift or break beneath the demands of our people. And you have been my friend. In my absence, we will need someone to focus on helping our world rebuild and strengthening ties with the Alliance. In order to serve our people here and at home, one must be both priest and warrior in equal measure. In recent months, I have become more priest than warrior. Perhaps, now it is time for someone who is more warrior than priest. You may believe you are not ready, but you are as ready as I was when I first came to Babylon 5. Check the records, I think you'll be amused. When this message has finished, a copy will automatically be sent to Sheridan and the others. They will receive you as they would receive me. Good luck, Ta'Lon. Serve our people–reasonably, fairly, and with honor. The rest will attend to itself. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': When I had to learn English, one of the most difficult words for me was "goodbye." There is no corresponding word for "goodbye" in Minbari. All our partings contain within them the possibility of meeting again: in other places, in other times, in other lives. So you will excuse me if I do not say "goodbye." Our souls are a part of this place. Our hopes, the foundation of our future. And we will pass this way, again. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w: John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': It's good to know that at least one of the old gang will be sticking around for a while. :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': Who, me? Absolutely. Hell, I'll probably still be here when they turn off the lights.{{hnote|Due to production quirks, the episode and quote were produced after the finale, Sleeping in Light, in which he does return for the final shutdown.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': There are moments when we all become someone else, something other than what we are. It takes only a moment. But we spend the rest of our lives looking back at that moment in shame. === [[w:Sleeping in Light|Sleeping in Light]] === :'''[[w:Vir Cotto|Vir Cotto]]''': You know, Londo never liked the Pak'ma'ra. They're stubborn, lazy, obnoxious, greedy— :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': They kinda look like an octopus that got run over by a truck. :'''Vir''': That too! But one day, Londo and I were walking past their quarters, and we heard them…''singing''. :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Singing? They can sing? :'''[[w:Stephen Franklin|Stephen Franklin]]''': There's nothing in the literature about that. :'''Vir''': Apparently, it's something they only do certain times of the year as part of their religious ceremonies. You may not believe this, but, it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. I-I-I couldn't make out the words, but I knew it was full of sadness and hope and wonder and a terrible…sense of loss. I-I looked at Londo, and, this is the amazing part…there was a tear running down his face. I said, "Londo, we-we should leave. I mean, this is upsetting you." And he just stood there and listened. And when it was over, he turned to me and he said, "There are 49 gods in our pantheon, Vir. To tell you the truth, I never believed in any of them. But if only one of them exists, then God sings with that voice." It's funny. After everything we had been through…all he did? I miss him. :'''Sheridan''': A toast. To…absent friends. In memory still bright. :'''Garibaldi''': G'Kar. :'''Vir''': Londo. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Lennier. :'''Franklin''': Mar— :'''[[w:Susan Ivanova|Susan Ivanova]]''': ''Marcus''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Sheridan takes a last walk though the station.]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allan|Zack Allan]]''': So you hear 'em too, huh? :'''Sheridan''': Zack. Ha ha! What the hell are you doing here? I thought you went back to Earth. :'''Allan''': Yeah, I did. Got bored. Re-upped about six months ago. I figured I'd be here 'til they turn the lights out.{{hnote|This episode was produced prior to the rest of season 5, but a similar line in Objects at Rest refers to this line.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheridan''': ''[whispering]'' Well…look at that…the sun's coming up… <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the series]'' :'''Ivanova''': Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. There would never be another. It changed the future…and it changed us. It taught us that we have to create the future, or others would do it for us. It showed us that we have to care for one another, because if we don't, who will? And that true strength sometimes comes from the most…unlikely places. Mostly though, I think it gave us hope—that there can always be new beginnings…even for people like us. :'''Ivanova''': As for Delenn, every morning for as long as she lived, Delenn got up before dawn and watched the sun come up. : . . . :'''ISN newscaster''': And now, for those of you that have been archiving this ISN Special Documentary, the people responsible. :''[single frame stills of department-crews; then a shot of the whole crowd]'' :Funding for this program was made possible by grants from the Anla'shok Memorial Fund. == Films == ''Babylon 5'' films are listed in chronological order within the [[w:fictional universe|fictional universe's]] storyline. === [[w:Babylon 5: In the Beginning|Babylon 5: In the Beginning]] === :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': It is said that the future is always born in pain. The history of war is the history of pain. If we are wise what is born of that pain matures into the promise of a better world. Because we learn that we can no longer afford the mistakes of the past. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': The humans, I think, knew they were doomed. But where another race would surrender to despair, the humans fought back with even greater strength. They made the Minbari fight for every inch of space. In my life, I have never seen anything like it. They would ''weep'', they would ''pray'', they would say goodbye to their loved ones…and then throw themselves without fear or hesitation at the very face of death itself. Never surrendering. No one who saw them fighting against the inevitable could help but be moved to tears by their courage…their stubborn nobility. When they ran out of ships, they used guns. When they ran out of guns, they used knives and sticks and bare hands. They were magnificent. I only hope, that when it is my time, I may die with ''half'' as much dignity as I saw in their eyes at the end. They did this for '''two years'''. They never ran out of courage. But in the end…they ran out of time. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': What are you doing here? :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': Creating the future. :''[Kosh stares into the area before them and a hologram flickers into view]'' :'''Hologram [[w:Dukhat|Dukhat]]''': If you are seeing this message, it is because I am dead. I entrust this message to the Vorlons to give it to the right person at the right time. They have come to us in secret and they say that this time, we will need allies. A particular race so far unknown to us, called humans. It is their hope that we find these humans and bring them into the battle on our side. The servants of the [[Shadow (Babylon 5)|Shadows]] are gathering at [[Z'ha'dum (planet)|Z'ha'dum]]. Their masters can not be far behind. Finish what I have started. Finish it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Hey I have a message for you. I have a message. I know what is in Dukat's sacred place. omph! :'''Minbari Soldier''': Silence! ''[Striking Sheridan]'' :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': I know what is in Dukat's sacred place. omph! :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Stop! What is... in Dukat's sacred place? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Entilzah. Entilzah! :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Let them go. :'''Minbari Soldier''': Satai? :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I said, let them go. There has been enough blood spilled this day. :''[Soldiers cut the prisoner's bonds]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Stephen Franklin|Dr. Franklin]]''': Entilzah. What does that mean? :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': The future. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. :''[The [[w:Vorlon|Vorlon]]s are silent. After seeing she isn't going to receive an answer, Delenn turns to leave.]'' :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': The truth, points to itself. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': What? :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': The truth…points to itself. :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': I…I don't understand. :'''Ulkesh''': You will. Now go. :'''[[w:Kosh Naranek|Kosh]]''': Go now. Before it is too late. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Earth President''': This is…This is the president. I have just been informed that our midrange military bases at Beta Colony and Proxima 3 have fallen to the Minbari advance. We have lost contact with Io and must conclude that they too have fallen to an advanced force. Our military intelligence believes that Minbari intend to bypass Mars and hit Earth directly, and the attack may come at any time. We have continued to broadcast our surrender and a plea for mercy, and they have not responded. We therefore can only conclude that we stand at the twilight of the Human race. In order to buy more time for our evacuation transports to leave Earth, we ask for support of every ship capable of fighting, to take part in a defense of our homeworld. We will not lie to you. We do not believe survival is a possibility. We believe that anyone who joins this battle, will never come home again. But for every ten minutes we can delay the military advance, several hundred more civilians may have a chance to escape to neutral territory. Though Earth may fall, the Human race must have a chance to continue elsewhere. No greater sacrifice has ever been asked of a people, but I ask you now, to step forward one last time–one last battle to hold the line against the night!… May God…go with you all. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': Why did the Minbari surrender at the Battle of the Line, on the very eve of victory? The answer would change the galaxy forever. === [[w:Babylon 5: The Gathering|Babylon 5: The Gathering]] === :''[The opening monologue to the episode, done in voiceover. This is the special edition version; for continuity purposes, two lines were removed from the original.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': I was there at the dawn of the Third Age of Mankind. It began in the Earth year 2257, with the founding of the last of the Babylon stations, located deep in neutral space. It was a port of call for refugees, smugglers, businessmen, diplomats and travelers from a hundred worlds. It could be a dangerous place, but we accepted the risk because Babylon 5 was our last, best hope for peace. Babylon 5 was a dream given form, a dream of a galaxy without war where species from different worlds could live side by side in mutual respect. Babylon 5 was the last of the Babylon stations. This is its story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Jeffrey Sinclair|Jeffrey Sinclair]]''': ''[to a man with a very attractive looking alien woman]'' I wouldn't. You know the rules about crossing species. Stick with the list. :'''Man''': What are you, a bigot or something? :'''Sinclair''': No. But obviously, you've never met an Arnassian before. After they finish, they ''eat'' their mate. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': Do you not have files on the Vorlons? :'''Sinclair''': Absolutely. Very ''large'' files. There's nothing ''in'' them, of course. How much do you have? :'''Delenn''': More than you, it would seem. Naturally, it's all classified. :'''Sinclair''': Naturally. :'''Delenn''': ''[producing a data card]'' Here is a copy of everything I have. It may be of use. If anyone asks…say it fell from the sky. I imagine I will be quite astonished by this breach of security. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': You're a security chief. Shouldn't you be out…securing something? :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': I am. I'm securing ''you''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': It'll be just like the old days, back when we conquered the entire Beta System in nine days! Did I ever tell you that story? :'''Garibaldi''': Several times. :'''Londo''': We came out of the sky, a veritable ''cloud'' of starships…! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': I suppose there'll be a war now, hm? All that running around and shooting one another. You'd think that sooner or later, it would go out of fashion. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Londo''': There was a time when this whole ''quadrant'' belonged to us! What are we now? Twelve worlds and a thousand monuments to past glories, living off memories and stories…selling trinkets! My god, man, we've become a tourist attraction! "See the great Centauri Republic, open nine to five…''Earth'' time!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinclair is recalling his experience at the Battle of the Line.]'' :'''Sinclair''': I was squad team leader when the call came in. We all knew it was a suicide mission. The Minbari had broken through and were closing in. Every ship we had left was ordered to circle Earth. We had to stop them, no matter what it cost. They came at us out of nowhere. We never had a chance. The sky was full of stars, and every star an exploding ship—one of ours. My team was blown out of the sky in less than a minute. :'''Carolyn Sykes''': I'm sorry. :'''Sinclair''': I managed to take out a fighter before they hit my stabilizers. I was losing power, I'd lost my team. And I figured if I was going to die, I'd take some of them with me. So I targeted one of their heavy cruisers. Hit my afterburners. I was going to ram them head-on. The last thing I remember is hurtling toward that cruiser. Filling my screen, big…my God, so big! Then…something…passed in front of my eyes. I guess I blacked out from the acceleration. When I came to twenty-four hours later, the cruiser was gone. I checked in. They told me the war was over. The Minbari had surrendered. :'''Carolyn Sykes''': Because of the Line! :'''Sinclair''': No, that's what I'm trying to tell you. We were beaten. We didn't stop them, they stopped ''themselves''! And I wish to hell I knew why. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Minbari''': ''[to Sinclair]'' There is a hole in your mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Sinclair narrowly escapes death]'' :'''Delenn''': You're all right? Do you need anything? :'''Sinclair''': Coffee. Two sugars. Cream. And aspirin. Lots and lots of aspirin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Laurel Takashima|Laurel Takashima]]''': So, Doctor, just what did you see when you looked inside that ''(Vorlon's)'' suit? :'''[[w:Benjamin Kyle|Dr. Benjamin Kyle]]''': There are moments in your life when everything crystallizes…and the whole world reshapes itself, right down to its component molecules. And everything changes. I have looked upon the face of a Vorlon, Laurel, and nothing is the same anymore! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Garibaldi''': Think they'll ever find that transmitter you slipped G'Kar? :'''Sinclair''': No. because there ''isn't'' one. :'''Garibaldi''': There isn't? Wait— :'''Sinclair''': I lied. I figured if there ''were'' a transmitter, sooner or later they'd find it and remove it. But if I just ''told'' them there was, they'd ''keep'' looking. Indefinitely. :'''Garibaldi''': Commander, do you have any idea of the tests they'll put him through, the ''things'' they'll do to him trying to find a transmitter that's not there? :'''Sinclair''': Yes. Come on. :'''Garibaldi''': ''[smiling]'' There are some days I love this job. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Delenn''': There is something I've been wondering. Why Babylon 5? If the prior four stations were lost or destroyed, why build another? :'''Sinclair''': Plain old human stubbornness, I guess. When something we value is destroyed, we rebuild it. If it's destroyed again, we rebuild it again. And again, and again, and…again, until it stays. That, as our poet Tennyson once said, is the goal: "To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield." :'''Delenn''': A poet? :'''Sinclair''': Someone who writes poems. ''[She gives him a confused look.]'' A poem. A story in meter or rhyme. :'''Delenn''': ''[smiling]'' Ah! "There once was a man from Nantucket." :'''Sinclair''': ''[chuckles]'' You've been talking to Garibaldi again, haven't you? :'''Delenn''': Yes. How did you know? :'''Sinclair''': ''[smiling]'' Oh, just a wild guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines of the episode]'' :'''Laurel Takashima''': This is Lieutenant Commander Laurel Takashima. Our docking bays stand ready to receive you. Babylon 5 is open for business! === [[w:Babylon 5: Thirdspace|Babylon 5: Thirdspace]] === :''[Delenn and Sheridan are in his office, discussing the massive and mysterious artifact]'' :'''[[w:Delenn|Delenn]]''': May I assume that this has nothing to do with you wanting to be the first to unlock whatever secrets this thing brings with it? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Me? When have you ever known me to have a personal agenda? :'''Delenn''': John, whenever something comes into our proximity that has to do with the unknown, your eyes light up like two tiny suns. And do you know what words these two tiny lights spell out? :'''Sheridan''': What? :'''Delenn''': Mine! Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine! :'''Sheridan''': Oh, now that is a lie! :'''Delenn''': Minbari do not lie. :'''Sheridan''': Well then it is slander. :'''Delenn''': To be slander, it must be false. That's two down. :'''Sheridan''': Well, then it's…it's damned inconvenient. :'''Delenn''': The truth always is. :''[she kisses him and leaves; he turns on a monitor and looks at the artifact]'' :'''Sheridan''': Besides…it ''is'' mine. === [[w:Babylon 5: The River of Souls|Babylon 5: The River of Souls]] === :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': Dr. Wolfgang Pauli was a physicist during the late 20th century. Whenever he stepped inside the physics lab, something would go wrong or break down, usually a very expensive piece of equipment. Became kind of a joke with the other doctors, who called it the [[w:Pauli effect|Pauli effect]]. According to the story, one day an extremely sensitive and expensive piece of equipment exploded, but he wasn't in the room. So for the first time, they had some proof that the Pauli effect wasn't real. Until they found out that at the exact moment the equipment exploded, he was on a train passing by right in front of the place. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Garibaldi can't take his eyes off Captain Lochley's hologram]'' :'''[[w:Zack Allen|Zack Allen]]''': Hey! :'''[[w:Michael Garibaldi|Michael Garibaldi]]''': What? What am I supposed to do, blind myself here? All right, fine, I'm as offended as you are. But I can see why a lot of guys would rent this particular image. :'''Jacob Mayhew''': Actually, it was mainly women. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soul Hunter''': Faith is good. But sometimes faith is blind. === [[w:Babylon 5: A Call to Arms|Babylon 5: A Call to Arms]] === :'''Galen''': If sometimes dreams come true, then what of our nightmares? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dureena extracts a data crystal from a Drazi skin pouch.]'' :'''Leonard Anderson''': How do you know they have a pouch? :'''[[w:John Sheridan (Babylon 5)|John Sheridan]]''': Well. It's not a pouch…exactly. It's their reproductive area. :'''Leonard Anderson''': Ugh, why did you have to tell me that? Hey, lady! Dureena! Listen! The only thing valuable I carry on me is my ''watch''! I want you to know that in case that ever comes up in the future. Okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Elizabeth Lochley|Elizabeth Lochley]]''': You're asking the impossible. :'''John Sheridan''': Then I am asking the right person. <hr width="50%"/> :[last lines of the episode] :'''John Sheridan''': Those who command the Excalibur will never stop, never give up, and never slow down until a cure is found. And we'll take any help we can get. Wherever and whoever it comes from. Because this is a cause that surpasses borders and difference and distrust. This is a mission about the survival of Earth itself. What we do over the next five years, here, at home, and across the darkness between the stars, will determine whether an entire world will live…or die. It's a fight we can't afford to lose. And we won't. We won't. === [[w:Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers|Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers]] === :'''David Martel''': We live for The One, we die for The One. But we don't die stupidly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dulann''': His concern was for us, not for himself. I know. I saw it in his soul. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Liandra, 20 years old and somewhat in need of maintenance, is about to try to launch.]'' :'''Sarah Cantrell''': Today's a good day to die. :'''David Martel''': Oh, with you every day is a good day to die. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the Liandra rescues a group of very annoyed diplomats from an alien raid, G'Kar attempts to calm them down]'' :'''[[w:G'Kar|G'Kar]]''': Minister Kafta, this ship is being held together by little pieces of wire and good intentions. If we land in this condition, assuming we do not have an unpleasant encounter with the ground on the way down, I doubt very much they could take off again. They would be trapped with us, and the ship looking for them would find it, find them, find us, find you, a brilliant cascade of cause and effect. Isn't the universe a wonderful place? I wouldn't live anywhere else. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''G'Kar''': ''[about to leave the ''Liandra'' for Babylon 5]'' It's quite a place. A place of good times and bad, of pain and growth, but in the end a place of great hope. But if you ever do come aboard, remember one thing: '''No one there is exactly what he seems'''. But then, who is? == Books == === ''[[w:Babylon 5: Legions of Fire - The Long Night of Centauri Prime|Legions of Fire: The Long Night of Centauri Prime]]'' === :''[While walking through the capitol city, the newly invested Emperor Londo Mollari was struck by a rock thrown by a young teenage girl, who proceeded to upbraid him for his failings in defense of the Centauri people.]'' :'''[[w:Londo Mollari|Londo Mollari]]''': You are quite brave, do you know that? :''[For a moment the girl seemed taken aback, and then she gathered herself.]'' :'''Girl''': I'm not brave. I'm just too tired and hungry and angry to care anymore. :'''Londo Mollari''': Perhaps they are not mutually exclusive. Perhaps bravery is simply apathy with delusions of grandeur. == Notes == == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|0105946|Babylon 5}} * {{imdb title|0120711|Babylon 5: In the Beginning}} * {{imdb title|0106336|Babylon 5: The Gathering}} * {{imdb title|0121804|Babylon 5: Thirdspace}} * {{imdb title|0146247|Babylon 5: The River of Souls}} * {{imdb title|0146455|Babylon 5: A Call to Arms}} * {{imdb title|0280453|Babylon 5: The Legend of the Rangers: To Live and Die in Starlight}} * {{imdb title|0149437|Crusade}} * [http://www.midwinter.com/lurk/lurker.html The Lurker's Guide to Babylon 5] [[Category:1990s American science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TNT shows]] [[Category:Military drama TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] qyoki9oouow6yfrlm7ii0w8cy1ofyf3 0 2153 3954183 3954110 2026-06-18T16:57:14Z Joreberg 323041 /* June 2026 */ If it works out, I'm going to take the credit. If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming JD. 3954183 wikitext text/x-wiki <!-- This is a controversial subject. Please note that Wikiquote is not censored. --> {{Too-long}} [[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|I don't do it for the [[money]]. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form.]] '''[[w:Donald Trump|Donald John Trump]]''' (born [[June 14]], [[1946]]) is an American [[w:Political career of Donald Trump|politician]], [[w:Media career of Donald Trump|media personality]], and [[w:Business career of Donald Trump|businessman]] who is serving as the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|47th]] [[President of the United States|president]] of the [[United States|United States of America]] since January 20, 2025. He previously served as the 45th president from 2017 to 2021. :See also: ::'''''[[Quotes about Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Donald Trump on social media]]''''' ::'''''[[First presidency of Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Second presidency of Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Racial views of Donald Trump]]''''' ::'''''[[Trumpism]]''''' [[lv:Donalds Trumps]] ==Quotes== [[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|I stand before you now as proof that you should never believe that something is impossible to do. In America, the impossible is what we do best... We will stand bravely, we will live proudly, we will dream boldly, and nothing will stand in our way because we are Americans.]][[File:January 2025 Official Presidential Portrait of Donald J. Trump.jpg|thumb| I believe it is God’s job to sit in judgment; my job, to defend America and to promote the fundamental interests of stability, prosperity, and peace. [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2025/05/trump-immoral-world-order/682826/ ]]][[File:Cabinet Meeting (49092290281).jpg|thumb| They let&mdash;I think the real number is 15, 16 million people into our country. When they do that, we got a lot of work to do. They’re poisoning the blood of our country.[https://variety.com/2024/biz/news/donald-trump-god-rnc-nomination-1236077838/]|alt=File:Main-qimg-021d8d22e0438179020144bbb4821733.jpg]][[File:Shinzo Abe and Donald Trump playing golf.jpg|thumb| That's one of the nice things. I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I'm very rich. So if I need $600 million, I can put $600 million myself. That's a huge advantage. I must tell you, that's a huge advantage over the other candidates.[https://nypost.com/2024/07/25/us-news/trump-hopes-us-obliterates-iran-if-hes-assassinated-by-the-american-adversary/]]] [[File:This was the President Donald Trump's first trip aboard Air Force One (cropped).jpg|thumb|I know the best people. To me, it's all about people. You got to have the right people. When we have the right people, it runs beautifully[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people]]] ===1980s=== * '''Rona Barrett''': If you lost your fortune today, what would you do tomorrow?<br>'''Donald Trump''': Maybe I’d run for president. I don’t know. ** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980) * '''Rona Barrett''': Would you like to be the [[President of the United States]]?<br>'''Donald Trump''': I really don't believe I would, Rona. But I would like to see somebody as the president who could do the job, and there are very capable people in this country.<br>'''Barrett''': Why wouldn't you dedicate yourself to public service?<br>'''Trump''': Because I think it's a very mean life. I would love, and I would dedicate my life to this country but I see it as being a mean life, and I also see it in somebody with strong views, and somebody with the kind of views that are maybe a little bit unpopular, which may be right, but may be unpopular, wouldn't necessarily have a chance of getting elected against somebody with no great brain but a big smile. ** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980) * '''Rona Barrett''': How would you like to be remembered?<br>'''Donald Trump''': Well, as somebody that’s contributed something to the United States and to the [[New York City|City of New York]], and to the various other places that I’m going, and somebody that’s done a little bit better than other people at what he does. ** An [https://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-stat/graphics/politics/trump-archive/docs/rona-barrett-1980-interview-of-donald-trump.pdf interview] with [[w:Rona Barrett|Rona Barrett]] (1980) * I said, 'I will build you this incredible, gorgeous, gleaming hotel. I will put people to work in the construction trades and save hotel [[jobs]] and the Grand Central area will come around.' So the city made the deal. ** {{citation |title=The Empire and Ego of Donald Trump |journal=The New York Times |date=August 7, 1983 |first=Marilyn |last=Bender |url=http://www.nytimes.com/1983/08/07/business/the-empire-and-ego-of-donald-trump.html }} * "Give them the old Trump bullshit," he told the architect Der Scutt before a presentation of the [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower]] design at a press conference in 1980. "Tell them it is going to be a million square feet, sixty-eight stories." ** [[Marie Brenner]] "After the Gold Rush", ''[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]'' (September 1, 1990) * Some people have an ability to [[negotiate]]. It's an [[art]] you're basically born with. You either have it or you don't. * It would take an hour-and-a-half to learn everything there is to learn about missiles. I think I know most of it anyway. You're talking about just getting updated on a situation ** {{citation |title=Donald Trump, Holding All The Cards The Tower! The Team! The Money! The Future! |journal=Washington Post |date=November 15, 1984 |first=Lois |last=Romano |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/pb/archive/lifestyle/1984/11/15/donald-trump-holding-all-the-cards-the-tower-the-team-the-money-the-future/8be79254-7793-4812-a153-f2b88e81fa54/?resType=accessibility }}, talking about his desire to be involved in negotiations with the then Soviet Union * I have featured and will always continue to feature my name prominently in all my [[enterprises]]. **''[[w:Business Week|Business Week]]'' (July 22, 1985) * I look at things for the art sake and the beauty sake and for the deal sake. **''[[w:New York (magazine)|New York]]'' (July 11, 1988), p. 24 * I'm not big on [[compromise]]. I understand compromise. Sometimes compromise is the right answer, but oftentimes compromise is the equivalent of [[Failure|defeat]], and I don't like being defeated. **''[[w:Life (magazine)|Life]]'', Vol. 12 (January 1989), p. iii * [[Ed Koch|Mayor Koch]] has stated that hate and rancor should be removed from our hearts. I do not think so. **[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg "Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!"] An advert taken out by Trump in the [[w:New York Daily News|''New York Daily News'']] and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d in 2002 after Matias Reyes confessed to the assault) (May 1, 1989) * How can [[w:Society of the United States|our great society]] tolerate the continued brutalization of [[w:Citizenship of the United States|its citizens]] by crazed misfits? [[w:Crime in the United States|Criminals]] must be told that their [[w:Civil liberties in the United States|CIVIL LIBERTIES]] END WHEN AN ATTACK ON OUR SAFETY BEGINS! **[http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg "Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!"] An advert taken out by Trump in the ''New York Daily News'' and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d in 2002 after Matias Reyes confessed to the assault) (May 1, 1989) * Let [[w:Politics of the United States|our politicians]] give back our [[w:New York City Police Department|police department]]'s power to keep us safe. Unshackle them from the constant chant of "[[w:Police brutality in the United States|police brutality]]" which every [[w:Misdemeanor|petty criminal]] hurls immediately at an officer who has just risked his or her life to save another's. ** [http://assets.nydailynews.com/polopoly_fs/1.1838466.1403324800!/img/httpImage/image.jpg_gen/derivatives/article_970/trump21n-1-web.jpg "Bring Back the Death Penalty. Bring Back Our Police!"] An advert taken out by Trump in the New York Daily News and other newspapers in the wake of the arrests of the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were eventually {{w|vacate}}d in 2002 after Matias Reyes confessed to the assault) (May 1, 1989) * Of course I hate these people and let's all hate these people because maybe hate is what we need if we're gonna get something done. ** In [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/trump-larry-king-central-park-five/index.html 1989 interview] with {{W|Larry King}}, about the [[wikipedia:Central Park jogger case|Central Park Five]] (whose convictions were later vacated) * I like to hire people that I've seen in action. I often hire people that were on the opposing side of a deal that I respect. **''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'' (September 23, 1989), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 25 * I think if this country gets any kinder or gentler, it's literally going to cease to exist. **''[[w:Playboy (magazine)|Playboy]]'' (March 1990) ====''[[w:Trump: The Art of the Deal|Trump: The Art of the Deal]]'' (1987)==== {{main|The Art of the Deal}} * I don't do it for the money. I've got enough, much more than I'll ever need. I do it to do it. Deals are my art form. * I like thinking big. I always have. To me it's very simple: if you're going to be thinking anyway, you might as well think big. Most people think small, because most people are afraid of success, afraid of making decisions, afraid of winning. And that gives people like me a great advantage. * I'm a great believer in asking everyone for an opinion before I make a decision. ... I ask and I ask and I ask, until I begin to get a gut feeling about something. And that's when I make a decision. I have learned much more from conducting my own random surveys than I could ever have learned from the greatest of consulting firms. * You can't con people, at least not for long. You can create excitement, you can do wonderful promotion and get all kinds of press, and you can throw in a little hyperbole. But if you don't deliver the goods, people will eventually catch on. * You can't be scared. You do your thing, you hold your ground, you stand up tall, and whatever happens, happens. ===1990=== [[File:Universal_health_care.svg|thumb|I'm very [[liberal]] when it comes to [[health care]]. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better.]] [[File:Goddess_of_Democracy_at_UBC.jpg|thumb|upright|When the students poured into Tiananmen Square, the Chinese government almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but [[w:Tiananmen Square protests of 1989|they put it down with strength]]. That shows you the power of strength.]] * What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to each new twist of fate. ** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 3 *She turned out to be the wife of a man who was then the prime minister of a major country. I'd heard stories about this lady, but I never thought much of them until that night. We met at the house of the friend who'd phoned me. After we'd all chatted for a while in the living room, the four of us who already knew each other drifted out to the kitchen, leaving Ben and Madame X in the living room to get better acquainted. Which they did. In fact, when we drifted back in, about ten minutes later, she and Ben were involved in an incredibly torrid scene on the couch. I remember standing there and thinking to myself, "Well, Donald, you're not in Queens anymore." ** ''Trump: Surviving at the Top'' (1990), p. 52 * "When a man leaves a woman, especially when it was perceived that he has left for a piece of ass—a good one!—there are 50 percent of the population who will love the woman who was left," he told me. ** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990|title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}} by [[Marie Brenner]] * "I want five children, like in my own family, because with five, then I will know that one will be guaranteed to turn out like me," Donald told a close friend. ** {{citation |date=September 1, 1990 |author=Marie Brenner |title=After the Gold Rush |periodical=Vanity Fair |url=https://www.vanityfair.com/magazine/2015/07/donald-ivana-trump-divorce-prenup-marie-brenner}} * Very good question. (pause) I don't think it's a sin but I don't think it should be done. ** in response to the question, "Is [[adultery]] a sin." ** in the ''[[New York Post]]'' (February 23, 1990), as [http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2016/10/30/donald-trump-in-1990-adultery-is-not-a-sin.html archived at ''the Daily Beast''] * [[Leona Helmsley]] is a truly evil human being. She treated employees worse than any human being I've ever witnessed and I've dealt with some of the toughest human beings alive. ** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}} * When [[1989 Tiananmen Square protests|the students poured into Tiananmen Square]], the {{w|Chinese government}} almost blew it. Then they were vicious, they were horrible, but they put it down with strength. That shows you the power of strength. ** {{citation |year=1990 |month=March |author=Glenn Plaskin |title=The Playboy Interview with Donald Trump |periodical={{w|Playboy}} |url=https://www.playboy.com/read/playboy-interview-donald-trump-1990}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Bury Trump in a Landslide |periodical={{w|New York Daily News}} |url=http://interactive.nydailynews.com/2016/10/daily-news-editorial-bury-trump-in-landslide/}} * I said to the [[bankers]], "Listen, fellows, if I have a problem, then you have a problem. We have to find a way out or it's going to be a difficult time for both of us." ** ''Fortune'' (August 13, 1990), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 44 ** Cf. [[J. Paul Getty]]: "If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem." ===1991=== * You know, it doesn't really matter what the media writes as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. ** [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/news/a24057/donald-trump-presidential-run-2016-072913/ Esquire Interview] (1991) ===1992=== * You have to treat 'em [women] like s--- {{sic}} ** Reported in {{cite news |title=Fighting Back: Trump Scrambles off the Canvas |first=Julie |last=Baumgold |work=New York |volume=25 |number=44 |date=1992-11-09 |page=43 |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=BeUCAAAAMBAJ&q=%22trump+is+talking+about+women+and+says%22#v=snippet&q=%22trump%20is%20talking%20about%20women%20and%20says%22&f=false}}. Bowdlerization in the original. * Wow! Just think — in a couple of years I'll be dating you. ** to two 14-year-old girls in 1992 ** from the {{w|Chicago Tribune}}, as archived at [http://www.slate.com/blogs/xx_factor/2016/10/13/in_1992_trump_told_two_14_year_old_girls_in_a_couple_of_years_i_ll_be_dating.html Slate] * He's a good guy, and he's not going to hurt anybody. . . . He treated his wife well and . . . he will treat Marla well. :Actresses, people that you write about just call to see if they can go out with him and things. :I mean, he's living with Marla and he's got three other girlfriends. :He does things for himself. When he makes a decision, that will be a very lucky woman. :* Speaking about himself under the pseudonym of [[w:Pseudonyms of Donald Trump#"John Miller" (1991)|John Miller]] in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl a 1991 interview with a ''People'' reporter], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/05/13/transcript-the-full-text-of-john-miller-interview-about-donald-trump-with-people-reporter/?tid=a_inl Donald Trump masqueraded as publicist to brag about himself], Washington Post * I'm gonna be dating her in ten years. ** of a 10-year-old girl, in 1992 ** {{citation |date=2016-10-13 |author=Emily Schultheis |title=More allegations, questionable Trump comments on women surface |periodical=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/news/more-unearthed-footage-trump-says-of-10-year-old-i-am-going-to-be-dating-her-in-10-years/}} ===1993=== * '''Howard Stern''': So, you treat women with respect?<br>'''Donald Trump''': Uh, I can't say that either.<br>'''Stern''': Alright, good. ** An interview on ''[[w:The Howard Stern Show|The Howard Stern Show]]'', 1993 * You know, if you’re young, and in this era, and if you have any guilt about not having gone to Vietnam, we have our own Vietnam—it’s called the dating game... Dating is like being in Vietnam. You’re the equivalent of a soldier going over to Vietnam. ** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1993, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People''] *I am not a {{w|law enforcement officer}}. I am not supposed to be going around checking {{w|Indian reservation}}s. That is what you have [[w:Federal Bureau of Investigation#Indian reservations|the FBI for]], and they are very capable, the most capable. **Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, October 5, 1993: In ''Implementation of Indian Gaming Regulatory Act: Oversight Hearing Before the Subcommittee on Native American Affairs of the Committee on Natural Resources, House of Representatives, One Hundred Third Congress ... Public Law 100-497, the Indian Gaming Regulatory Act of 1988'', Part 5, page 187 ===1994=== * Well, I think that she's got a lot of [[w:Marla Maples|Marla]] [Maples, Trump's second wife], she's a really beautiful baby, and she's got Marla's legs. We don't know whether she's got this part yet [gestures toward own chest], but time will tell... ** [http://www.slate.com/blogs/the_slatest/2016/04/06/video_donald_trump_on_his_one_year_old_daughter_s_brests.html On his then-one year old daughter Tiffany], ''Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous'', 1994 *Everybody's always blaming me for everything. **16 May 1994 in "For Sale by Owner" s4e24 of "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air", [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u_wcNmQ_hEk&t=70 video here] ===1996=== * Let's make a deal; if you promise not to get "personal" with me, I will promise not to show you as the crude, fat and obnoxious slob which everyone knows you are. Sincerely, Donald J. Trump. ** [http://www.palmbeachdailynews.com/lifestyles/before-twitter-name-calling-letter-from-donald-trump/KaGSV40cQnefESyXhe5CuN/ Letter to journalist Shannon Donnelly], 1996 ===1997=== *“It’s amazing, I can’t even believe it. I’ve been so lucky in terms of that whole world, it is a dangerous world out there. It’s like Vietnam, sort of. It is my personal Vietnam. I feel like a great and very brave solider” **speaking of having [[sex]] and referring to women's genitals as “potential landmines”. ** An interview on ''The Howard Stern Show'', 1997, [https://people.com/politics/trump-boasted-of-avoiding-stds-while-dating-vaginas-are-landmines-it-was-my-personal-vietnam/ archived by ''People''] ===1999=== * I'm [[w:Conservatism in the United States|conservative]], and even very [[conservative]]. But I'm quite [[w:Liberalism in the United States|liberal]] and getting much more [[w:Healthcare reform debate in the United States#Liberal arguments|liberal on health care]] and other things. I really say: What's the purpose of a country if you're not going to have defensive and [[health care]]? If you can't take care of your sick in the country, forget it, it's all over. I mean, it's no good. So I'm very liberal when it comes to health care. I believe in {{w|universal health care}}. I believe in whatever it takes to make people well and better. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/ALLPOLITICS/stories/1999/10/08/trump.transcript/ Interview with Larry King] ''CNN'' (October 1999) * I surround myself with the best people. I know the best people. ** On an interview (1999 November 26) * The part of my life I think I'm most disappointed in is that I have not had the great marriage. And I would have thought that would have happened, because I came from a home—you know, it's not like some of my [[Friend|friends]], they get divorced, but their parents were divorced twice or three times. I came from a home where marriage was just incredible. I mean, my parents truly loved each other. ** ''Good Morning America'' (2 December 1999), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 46 * I'm on the conservative side, but [[Pat Buchanan|[Pat] Buchanan]] is [[Attila]] the Hun. ** As quoted in ''Selected Quotes from Newsweek Magazine, 1999'' — {{cite web |url=https://web.archive.org/web/20001015150910/http://www.sph.umich.edu/~rwatt/old_nw3.htm |title=Richard Watanabe - Newsweek Quotes, 1999 |publisher=Sph.umich.edu |date= |accessdate=2010-06-13}} * People want me to [run for president] all the time … I don't like it. Can you imagine how controversial I'd be? You think about him ''[Bill Clinton]'' and the women. How about me with the women? Can you imagine? ** On ''{{W|Hardball with Chris Matthews}}'', as quoted in {{citation |date=1999-07-12 |author=Deborah Orin |title=Trump ‘toys’ with prez run |periodical={{w|New York Post}} |url=http://nypost.com/1999/07/12/trump-toys-with-prez-run}} ===2000=== * I generally oppose [[w:Gun control in the United States|gun control]], but I support the ban on [[assault weapon]]s. **{{cite book |title=[[w:The America We Deserve|The America We Deserve]] |authorlink1=w:Donald Trump |first1=Donald |last1=Trump |first2=Dave |last2=Shiflett |year=2000 |publisher=[[w:Renaissance Books|Renaissance Books]] |isbn=1580631312}}; {{cite news |title=Trump's Evolving Positions on Gun Issues |first1=Linda |last1=Qiu |first2=Kitty |last2=Bennett |date=March 12, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |accessdate=September 6, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2018/03/12/us/politics/trump-evolving-positions-gun-issues.html}} * So the [[wikipedia:Reform Party of the United States of America|Reform Party]] now includes a Klansman, Mr. [[David Duke|Duke]], a [[neo-Nazi]], Mr. Buchanan, and a [[communist]], [[w:Lenora Fulani|Ms. Fulani]]. This is not company I wish to keep. ** As quoted in {{cite news |last= |first= |date=14 February 2000 |title=QUOTATION OF THE DAY |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2000/02/14/nyregion/quotation-of-the-day-815233.html |newspaper=The New York Times |location= |access-date= }}<!--{{cite news |last1=Kaczynski |first1=Andrew |last2=Massie| first2=Christopher |date= Aug. 26, 2015, at 11:27 p.m. |title=Top Racists And Neo-Nazis Back Donald Trump |url=http://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/meet-the-prominent-white-nationalists-fired-up-to-support-do#.vuV8WvAdp |newspaper=BuzzFeed News |location= |access-date= }}--> * I judge people based on their capability, honesty, and merit. ** [https://books.google.com/books?id=smMEAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA23&dq=%22Trump%20towers%22 "Trump towers"], interview with Paul Alexander, ''The Advocate'' (15 February 2000), p. 23 * It's very possible that I could be the first [[w:United States presidential election|presidential candidate]] to run and make money on it. ** Reported by Jerry Useem, [http://fortune.com/2000/04/03/what-does-donald-trump-really-want/ "What Does Donald Trump Really Want?"], ''Fortune'', 3 April 2000. ===2002=== * I think the regulations are very tough, but I think they could be made tougher. And where they really have to be made tougher is when somebody is proven [[w:Unfair business practices|to be dishonest]], not a mistake, not an honest mistake because look, people make bad business deals all the time. When somebody is proven to be dishonest, really harsh punishment has to take place. **''[[w:Hardball with Chris Matthews|Hardball with Chris Matthews]]'' (15 July 2002), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 23 * '''[[Howard Stern]]''': Are you for [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|the invasion of Iraq]]? * '''Donald Trump''': Yeah, I guess so. I wish, uh, I wish [[Gulf War|the first time]] it was done correctly. ** Interview on [[wikipedia:The Howard Stern Show|Howard Stern Show]] (11 September 2002), reported by ''[https://www.buzzfeed.com/andrewkaczynski/in-2002-donald-trump-said-he-supported-invading-iraq-on-the? BuzzFeed]'' (19 February 2016) * I've known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy. He's a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life. ** On [[w:Jeffrey Epstein|Jeffrey Epstein]]. Quoted in ''[https://nymag.com/nymetro/news/people/n_7912/ New York]'', 28 October 2002. * I don't know how you do it. I've put together some really impressive deals, but this thing you've pulled off, it's amazing: a Big N' Tasty for just a dollar. How do you do it? What's your secret? Together Grimace, we could own this town. ** Trump's lines in a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4QNXnNftWk McDonald's advert] (2002), quoted in {{citation|date=2019-01-15|author=Rachel Desantis|title=Donald Trump’s lifelong love of fast food, from his 2002 McDonald’s commercial to ‘hamberders’|periodical=New York Daily News|url=https://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/ny-news-donald-trump-has-always-loved-fast-food-20190115-story.html}} ===2003=== * I love beautiful women, and beautiful women love me. It has to be both ways. ** Interview with Norwegian talk show host [[wikipedia:Fredrik Skavlan|Fredrik Skavlan]] in (November 2003).{{fix cite}}<!-- published/quoted where? --> ===2004=== *Trump: My daughter is beautiful, Ivanka<br>Stern: By the way, your daughter,<br>Trump: She’s beautiful<br>Stern: Can I say this? A '''piece of ass'''<br>Trump: Yeah **September 2004 exchange with [[Howard Stern]] [https://www.cnn.com/2016/10/08/politics/trump-on-howard-stern reported in 2016 by CNN] * Now, if your boss is a sadist, then you have a big problem. In that case, fire your boss and get a new job. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004) * If you don't tell people about your success, they probably won't know about it. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. xiii * Get going. Move forward. Aim high. Plan for a takeoff. Don't just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won't happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you'll love it up here. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 74 * In business—every business—the bottom line is understanding the process. If you don't understand the process, you'll never reap the rewards of the process. ** ''Trump: How to Get Rich'' (2004), p. 86 * Watch, listen, and learn. You can't know it all yourself—anyone who thinks that they do is destined for mediocrity. ** ''Trump: The Way to the Top: The Best Business Advice I Ever Received'' (2004), p. 20 * I don't like firing people. It's not a pleasant thing and it's sad. ... In some cases, it's a terrible, terrible situation for the person who gets fired, how strongly they take it. So it's not something that any rational or sane person can love doing, but it also happens to be a fact of life in business. ** ''Boston Herald'' (7 January 2004), as quoted in ''The World According to Trump'' (2005) by Ken Lawrence, p. 16 * People say, "Do you have the same opportunity today as you had years ago?" And I said, "Absolutely." You always have an opportunity. There's always an opportunity, especially in this country. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0403/21/le.00.html Late Edition with Wolf Blitzer], ''CNN'' (21 March 2004) * All of the women on [[w:The Apprentice (U.S. TV series)|''The Apprentice'']] flirted with me - consciously or unconsciously. That's to be expected. **[http://www.nydailynews.com/archives/gossip/donald-cuomo-mario-fired-article-1.612165 Ny Daily News] (24 March 2004) * ''[On "You're fired!":]'' There's a beauty in those two words. When you utter those words, there's very little that can be said. There's a succinctness to those words. ** {{citation |title=Trump TV / 'The Apprentice' takes realistic inside look at corporate world |journal=San Francisco Chronicle |date=2004-03-28 |first=David |last=Armstrong |url=http://www.sfgate.com/business/article/Trump-TV-The-Apprentice-takes-realistic-2802491.php }} * My life is seeing everything in terms of "How would ''I'' handle that?" '''Look at the [[Iraq War|war in Iraq]] and the mess that we're in. I would never have handled it that way.''' Does anybody really believe that Iraq is going to be a wonderful democracy where people are going to run down to the voting box and gently put in their ballot and the winner is happily going to step up to lead the county? C'mon. Two minutes after we leave, there's going to be a [[revolution]], and the meanest, toughest, smartest, most vicious guy will take over. And he'll have [[w:Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], which [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]] didn't have. '''What was the purpose of this whole thing? Hundreds and hundreds of young people killed. And what about the people coming back with no arms and legs? Not to mention the other side. All those Iraqi kids who've been blown to pieces. And it turns out that all of the reasons for the war were blatantly wrong. All this for nothing!''' ** ''Esquire'' magazine (August 2004); [http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/interviews/a37230/donald-trump-esquire-cover-story-august-2004/ "Donald Trump: How I'd Run the Country (Better)" (18 August 2015)] * Pregnancy is "a wonderful thing for the woman, it's a wonderful thing for the husband, it's certainly an inconvenience for a business." ** About pregnancy (2004) * The concept of shaking hands is absolutely terrible, and statistically I’ve been proven right. ** Playboy, 2004 [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/onpolitics/2016/06/14/donald-trump-70-birthday-quotes/85619552/] * In many cases, I probably identify more as Democrat. It just seems that the [[economy]] does better under the [[Democrats]] than the [[Republicans]]. Now, it shouldn't be that way. But if you go back, I mean it just seems that the economy does better under the Democrats. ...But certainly we had some very good economies under Democrats, as well as Republicans. But we've had some pretty bad [[disaster]] under the Republicans. ** Said in an interview with CNN's [[Wolf Blitzer]], as quoted by {{citation |title=Trump in '04: 'I probably identify more as Democrat' | journal=CNN | author=Chris Moody | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2015/07/21/politics/donald-trump-election-democrat/index.html }} ===2005=== * I'll go backstage, before a show, and everyone's getting dressed and ready and everything else. And you know, no men are anywhere. And I'm allowed to go in because I'm the owner of the pageant and therefore I'm inspecting it. You know I'm inspecting, I want to make sure everything is good, the dresses, "Is everyone OK?", you know they're standing there with no clothes, "Is everybody OK?", and you see these incredible-looking women, and so I sort of get away with things like that. ** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005) * They had a person who was extremely proud that a number of the women had become doctors. And I wasn't interested. ** [https://soundcloud.com/user-735086019/101g1 Comments about his ownership of Miss Universe on the Howard Stern Show] (11 April 2005) * I did try and fuck her. She was married. '''I moved on her like a bitch, but I couldn't get there.''' And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she's now got the big phony tits and everything. She's totally changed her look. I've gotta use some [[w:Tic Tacs|Tic Tacs]], just in case I start kissing her. You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful — I just start kissing them. It's like a magnet. '''Just kiss. I don't even wait. When you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything... Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything.''' ** To {{w|Billy Bush}} in 2005; [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/08/us/donald-trump-tape-transcript.html "Transcript: Donald Trump's Taped Comments About Women"], ''The New York Times'' (8 October 2016) ===2006=== * It would be really disappointing — not really — but it would depend on what’s inside the magazine. I don’t think Ivanka would do that, although she does have a very nice figure. I’ve said '''if Ivanka weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her'''. ** On 7 March 2006 during an appearance on the daytime talk show ''[[w:The View (talk show)|The View]]'' while discussing the possibility of [[Ivanka Trump]]’s posing for ''[[Playboy]]'' magazine. As quoted in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/donald-trump-date-daughter/ Did Donald Trump Say He’d Like to Date His Daughter?]'' by Dan Evon, 10 July 2015, ''{{w|Snopes}}'', and quoted with video clip in {{citation|date=2016-10-10|author=Adam Withnall|title=Donald Trump's unsettling record of comments about his daughter Ivanka|periodical=The Independent|location=UK|url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-elections/donald-trump-ivanka-trump-creepiest-most-unsettling-comments-a-roundup-a7353876.html}} originally reported in [https://www.today.com/popculture/trump-jokes-he-d-date-daughter-wbna11714379 7 March 2006 article on Today via AP] * I thought today's women were independent and had a lot of sexual freedom. ... Well, I guess they fooled me. ** In April 2006, about women's disaproval of {{w|one-night stand}}s. As quoted in ''[https://www.marketwatch.com/story/trump-on-clinton-in-2008-shed-make-a-good-president-2016-07-11 Trump on Clinton in 2008: ‘She'd make a good president']'' (July 11, 2016) by Michael Rothfield and {{w|Mark Maremont}}, ''{{w|MarketWatch}}''. *She’s actually always been '''very voluptuous'''. She’s tall, she’s almost six feet tall and she’s been, she’s an amazing beauty. **October 2006 interview with [[Howard Stern]] about [[Ivanka Trump]] reported [https://www.cnn.com/2016/10/08/politics/trump-on-howard-stern 2016 by CNN] * '''Jon Ward:''' There's a lot of talk, which you no doubt heard too, about a sort of [[real estate]] bubble. What's your take on that pessimism? * '''Donald Trump:''' Well, first of all, I sort of hope that happens because then people like me would go in and buy. ** ''How to Build a Fortune'' (2006), Trump University audiobook, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-05-19|author=Jeremy Diamond|title=Donald Trump in 2006: I 'sort of hope' real estate market tanks|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/05/19/politics/donald-trump-2006-hopes-real-estate-market-crashes/index.html}} * No, I have no age — I mean, I have age limit. I don't want to be like Congressman Foley, with, you know, 12-year-olds, ** [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/donald-trump-howard-stern-tapes-women-35_uk_57fa46e1e4b01fa2b904368b Donald Trump Howard Stern Tapes Show Him Saying 35 Is 'Check-Out Time' For Women And Agreeing His Daughter Is A 'Piece Of Ass'] (2006) When asked if he has an age limit for women he'll sleep with. ===2007=== * Since I love what I do, I do it vigorously and I do it better. Because I inject it with enthusiasm and passion, it doesn't feel like work. My passion spills over to everyone around me and motivates them to do their very best. ** ''[https://books.google.com/books?id=uuR61zcvMTgC&pg=PA1&lpg=PA1&dq=%22since+I+LOVE+WHAT+I+DO,+I+DO+IT+VIGOROUSLY%22&source=bl&ots=ko6GrZPr-e&sig=x3zLQ1fWbNJIrx-7M0CzI-zPljg&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjuncTq2OvRAhXCLMAKHTzHDNwQ6AEIGjAA#v=onepage&q=%22since%20I%20LOVE%20WHAT%20I%20DO%2C%20I%20DO%20IT%20VIGOROUSLY%22&f=false Trump 101 The Way to Success]'' (2007), p. 1 * Passion is absolutely necessary to achieve any kind of long-lasting success. I know this from experience. If you don't have passion, everything you do will ultimately fizzle out or, at best, be mediocre. ** ''Trump 101 The Way to Success'' (2007), p. 2 * [[Iraq War|The war]] is total disaster. It's a catastrophe, nothing less. It is such a shame that this took place. In fact, I gained a lot of respect for our current [[George H. W. Bush|president's father]] by the fact that he had the sense not to go in to [[Iraq]]. He won the war and then said let's not go the rest of the way and he turned out to be right. And [[Saddam Hussein]], whether they like him or didn't like him, he hated [[terrorists]]. He'd shoot and kill terrorists. When terrorists came in to his country, which he did control and he did dominate, he would kill terrorists. Now it's a breeding ground for terrorists. So, look, the war is a total catastrophe...and they have [[w:Sectarian violence in Iraq (2006–08)|a civil war]] going on. ** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on "The Situation Room" with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007) * I make that --- twice now, on a Monday I let returning Iraqi injured [[soldiers]] come to the premises. The most beautiful people I've ever seen. But they're missing arms and legs, they're with their wives, sometimes they're with their girlfriends. And the tears are coming down the faces of these people. I mean, thousands and maybe hundreds of thousands, and [[w:Casualties of the Iraq War#Total Iraqi casualties|the Iraqis that have been just maimed and killed]]. This war is a horrible thing. Now, President Bush says he's [[religious]]. And yet 400,000 people, the way I count it, have died, and probably millions have been badly maimed and injured. What's going on? What's going on? And the day we pull out it's going to explode. We're keeping the lid on a little bit. It's still a catastrophe, but the day we pull out, because they're in a [[w:Iraqi Civil War|civil war]]. Whether we want to admit it or not, they're in a civil war. ** [http://www.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0703/16/sitroom.03.html Interview on "The Situation Room" with Wolf Blitzer] (16 March 2007) * [[Hillary Clinton]] I think is a terrific woman. I am biased because I have known her for years. I live in New York. She lives in New York. I really like her and her husband both a lot. I think she really works hard. And I think, again, she's given an agenda, it is not all of her, but I think she really works hard and I think she does a good job. I like her. ** 2007 ''CNN'' interview, reported in [[w:Zeke J. Miller|Zeke J. Miller]], "[http://time.com/3962799/donald-trump-hillary-clinton/ When Donald Trump Praised Hillary Clinton]", ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (July 17, 2015). * {{w|Trump Steaks}} are the world's greatest steaks, and I mean that in every sense of the word. Treat yourself to the very, very best life has to offer you. And as a gift, Trump Steaks are the best you can give. One bite, and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about, and believe me. I understand steaks, it's my favorite food. ** Lines marking the introduction of Trump Steaks by The Sharper Image (2007) * My net worth fluctuates, and it goes up and down with the markets and with attitudes and with feelings, even my own feelings, but I try. ** Claimed in December 2007, quoted in [https://money.cnn.com/2011/04/21/news/companies/donald_trump/index.htm "Trump: I'm worth whatever I feel"], ''CNN'' (April 21, 2011) * Congratulations on being named Time magazine's 'Man of the Year' — you definitely deserve it. As you have probably heard, I'm a big fan of yours! ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/revealed-donald-trump-letters-to-vladimir-putin-miss-universe-russia-2020-8?r=US&IR=T Letter to Russian president Vladimir Putin] ===2008=== * They'll walk up, and they'll flip their top, and they'll flip their panties. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-details-sexual-attractions-relationships-radio-interviews/story?id=37190691 Interview on ''The Howard Stern Show''] (2008) * Hillary Clinton said she'd consider naming [[Barack Obama]] as her vice president when she gets the nomination, but she's nowhere near a shoo-in. ** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in audio released by the ''Journal''. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''. * For his part, Obama said he's just focused on winning the nomination although at least one member on his team said Clinton would make a good vice president. Well, I know her and she'd make a good president or good vice president. ** About the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|2008 Democratic Party presidential primaries]] in an audio from "Trumped!", a syndicated radio feature that aired from 2004 to 2008. As quoted in ''[http://time.com/4402522/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-good-president/ Donald Trump Once Said Hillary Clinton Would Make A 'Good President']'' (July 12, 2016) by Tara John, ''{{w|The Times}}''. * It's very exciting we have a new president. It would have been nice if he ended with a 500 point up instead of down. It's certainly very exciting. His speech was great last night. I thought it was inspiring in every way. And, hopefully he's going to do a great job. But the way I look at it, he cannot do worse [[w:Presidency of George W. Bush|than Bush]]. ** [http://www.foxnews.com/story/2008/11/06/donald-trump-on-president-elect-obama-cannot-do-worse-than-bush.html "Donald Trump on President-Elect Obama: 'He Cannot Do Worse Than Bush'" Interview with Greta Van Susteren] [[Fox News]] (6 November 2008) ===2009=== * If I'd started in business thinking I knew everything, I'd have been sunk before I started... Never think of learning as being a burden or studying as being boring. It may require some discipline, but it can be an adventure. It can also prepare you for a new beginning. ** ''Think Like a Champion: An Informal Education In Business and Life'' (2009), pp. 16–17 * Without passion, you don't have energy; without energy, you have nothing. [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel|Nothing great in the world has been accomplished without passion.]] ** As quoted in ''Social Networking for Authors: Untapped Possibilities for Wealth'' (2009) by Michael Volkin, p. 60 *let's just talk. I'll give you as much time as you want. I'll tell you what you need to know **2009 to [[w:Bradley Edwards|Bradley Edwards]] (attorney prosecuting [[Jeffrey Epstein]]) as narrated by Edwards in December 2018 interview, according to [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2019/07/prosecutor-in-2009-epstein-case-said-donald-trump-was-the-only-one-who-helped-him/ 7 July 2019 article by Joe Hoft of Gateway Pundit] ===2010=== *Well, I think I was born with a drive for success. I had a father who was successful. He was a builder in Brooklyn and Koreans. And he was successful. And, you know, I have a certain gene. I'm a gene believer. Hey, when you connect two race horses, you usually end up with a fast horse. And I really was -- you know, I had a -- a good gene pool from the standpoint of that. **[https://web.archive.org/web/20200924215510/https://us.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/1002/10/ctw.01.html CNN interview] (February 2010) ===2011=== * Part of the [[beauty]] of me is that I am very [[rich]]. ** Interview with [[w:Ashleigh Banfield|Ashleigh Banfield]] on ABC's ''[[w:Good Morning America|Good Morning America]]'' (17 March 2011); also in {{citation |date=2011-03-17 |author=Neil King Jr. |title=Trump on 2012: ‘Part of Beauty of Me Is I'm Very Rich’ |periodical=Washington Wire |publisher=Wall Street Journal |url=http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2011/03/17/trump-on-2012-part-of-beauty-of-me-is-im-very-rich/}} * They asked [[John McCain]] for his [[w:Birth certificate|birth certificate]]. They've asked others for their birth certificate. They asked Bush for his birth certificate, by the way. I just found out over the weekend. And they would ask me for my birth certificate and by the way, it's sitting on the top of my desk. They give you a certificate of live birth, which anybody can get, just walk into the hospital, and you get a certificate of live birth. It's not even signed by people. Now, this guy either has a birth certificate or he doesn't. And I didn't think this was such a big deal, but I will tell you, it's turning out to be a very big deal because people now are calling me from all over saying, please don't give up on this issue. If you weren't born in this country, [[w:Natural-born-citizen clause|you cannot be president]]. ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * So he could have come into the country, and they did it for social reasons they put it in! They did it for whatever reason. There are a lot of reasons you could have put an ad in. But he could have been born outside of this country. Why can't he produce a birth certificate and by the way, there is one story that his family doesn't even know what hospital he was born in! ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * I start off every time I talk about [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories#Campaigners and proponents|the birthers]], I start off by saying, and it's very interesting, I was a great student at the best college in the country. You know? I want to let people know. I'm a smart guy. Because what they do to the birthers, and I don't even like the term, the birthers. I think it's unfair to them. These are people that want to see a birth certificate. They want to know that the president was born here! ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * Because if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. And, there is a real question. And if this birth certificate exists, you know what I get a kick out of? [[w:Neil Abercrombie|The Governor of Hawaii]] says, "I remember when he was born 50 years ago." I doubt it. I think this guy should be investigated. I doubt it. He remembers when [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Childhood years|Obama was born]]? Give me a break! He's just trying to do something for [[Democratic Party (United States)|his party]]. The fact is, if you're not born in the United States, you cannot be president. He is having a hard time — he spent millions of dollars trying to get away from this issue, millions of dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And I'll tell you what, I brought it up just routinely and all of a sudden, a lot of facts are emerging, and I'm starting to wonder myself whether or not he was born in this country. ** About [[w:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Barack Obama's birth certificate]]. {{citation |title=Fox & Friends |medium=Television |publisher=Fox News |date=2011-03-28}} ** {{citation |title=Fox Goes Birther: Trump Tells Unquestioning Co-hosts, "I'm Starting To Wonder...Whether Or Not <nowiki>[Obama]</nowiki> Was Born In This Country" |journal=[[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] |date=2011-03-28 |url=http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/201103280006 |accessdate=2011-03-30}} * '''Donald Trump''': Meredith, he spent two million dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And if he weren't lying, why wouldn't he just solve it? And I wish he would, because if he doesn't, it's one of the greatest scams in the history of [[politics]], and in the history period. You are not allowed to be a president if you're not born in this country. He may not be born in this country. And I'll tell you what, three weeks ago I thought he was born in this country. Right now, I have some real doubts. I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.<br>'''Meredith Vieira''': You have people now, down there searching—<br>'''Trump''': Absolutely.<br>'''Vieira''': I mean, in [[Hawaii]]?<br>'''Trump''': Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding. I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a ''real'' possibility, I'm not saying it hap— I'm saying it's a ''real'' possibility, much greater than I thought two or three weeks ago, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. And beyond politics. **{{citation |title=Today |date=2011-04-07 |publisher=NBC |medium=Television}} ** regarding Barack Obama ** Two million dollars is the sum of all the Obama presidential campaign's post-election legal expenses.[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/apr/12/donald-trump/donald-trump-claims-obama-has-spent-2-million-lega/] * '''[[w:David Brody (journalist)|David Brody]]''': [[Radical Islam]]: to [[Evangelicalism in the United States|Evangelicals]], this is a bread and butter issue. You said there's a [[Islam in the United States|Muslim problem]] in this country. What do you mean by that exactly? <br> '''Donald Trump''': [[Bill O'Reilly (commentator)|Bill O'Reilly]] asked me is there a Muslim problem? And I said absolutely, yes. In fact I went a step further. I said I didn't see [[Swedes|Swedish people]] [[September 11 attacks|knocking down the World Trade Center]]. It was very interesting. I thought that was going to be a controversial statement and somebody, I think it was [[Dennis Miller]] introduced me, he was doing like an analysis of me, he said, I love it. The guy said what the truth is. He didn't mince his words. He didn't say, 'Oh, gee, no there's not a Muslim problem, everybody's wonderful.' And by the way, many, many, most Muslims are wonderful people, but is there a Muslim problem? Look what's happening. Look what happened right here in my city with the World Trade Center and lots of other places. So I said it and I thought it was going to be very controversial but actually it was very well received. I think people want the truth. I think they're tired of politicians. They're tired of [[politically correct]] stuff. I mean I could have said, 'Oh absolutely not Bill, there's no Muslim problem, everything is wonderful, just forget about the World Trade Center.' But you have to speak the truth. We're so politically correct that this country is falling apart. <br>'''Brody''': With some evangelicals there are some problems with the teachings of the [[Koran]]. Do you have concerns about the Koran? <br> '''Trump''': Well, I'll tell you what. The Koran is very interesting. A lot of people say it [[w:Religious views on love#Islam|teaches love]] and there is a very big group of people who really understand the Koran far better than I do. I'm certainly not an expert, to put it mildly. But there's something there that teaches some very negative vibe. I mean things are happening, when you look at people blowing up all over the streets that are in some of the countries over in the [[Middle East]], just blowing up a super market with not even soldiers, just people, when 250 people die in a super market that are shopping, where people die in a store or in a street. There's a lot of hatred there that's some place. Now I don't know if that's from the Koran. I don't know if that's from some place else. But there's tremendous hatred out there that I've never seen anything like it. So, you have two views. You have the view that the Koran is all about love and then you have the view that the Koran is, that there's a lot of [[w:Violence in the Quran|hate in the Koran]]. ** On [[w:CBN News|CBN News]]' "The Brody File" (12 April 2011) ([https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWzDAvemJG8 video]) ([http://blogs.cbn.com/thebrodyfile/archive/2011/04/12/brody-file-exclusive-donald-trump-says-something-in-koran-teaches.aspx transcript]) * I look very much forward to showing my financials. Because they are huge. ** {{citation |first=Michael |last=Scherer |title=In the presence of Donald Trump |date=2011-04-11 |journal=Time |url=http://swampland.time.com/2011/04/14/in-the-presence-of-donald-trump/ |accessdate=2019-10-28}} * I heard he was a terrible student, terrible. How does a bad student go to Columbia and then [[w:Early life and career of Barack Obama#Harvard Law School|to Harvard]]? I'm thinking about it, I'm certainly looking into it. Let him show his records. ** Associated Press interview, 2011-04-25 ** {{citation |first=Lucy |last=Madison |title=Trump: How did Obama get into the Ivy League? |date=2011-04-25 |journal=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20057214-503544.html |accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/dnCsg|archivedate=2013-06-28}} ** About [[w:Barack Obama#Education|Barack Obama's education]], who graduated from {{w|Columbia University}} in 1983 and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a {{w|Juris doctorate}} from Harvard Law School in 1991 * Today I'm very [[proud]] of myself, because I've accomplished something that nobody else has been able to accomplish. I was just informed, while on the helicopter, that our president has finally released a birth certificate. I want to look at it, but I hope it's true, so that we can get on to much more important matters, so the press can stop asking me questions. He should have done it a long time ago. Why he didn't do it when the Clintons asked for it, why he didn't do it when everyone else was asking for it, I don't know. But I am really honored, frankly, to have played such a big role in hopefully, hopefully getting rid of this issue. Now, we have to look at it, we have to see, is it real? Is it proper? What's on it? But I hope it checks out beautifully. I am really proud, I am really honored. ** press conference, 2011-04-27 ** {{citation |title=Trump Questions Obama Birth Certificate |date=2011-04-27 |journal=TMZ |url=http://www.tmz.com/2011/04/27/donald-trump-barack-obama-birth-certificate-comment-quote/ |accessdate=2011-05-01}} ** Regarding the release of Barack Obama's full birth record from Hawaii that morning * The word is, according to what I've have read, is that he was a terrible student when he went to [[w:Occidental College|Occidental]]. He then gets to [[w:Columbia_University|Columbia]] and then gets to [[Harvard University|Harvard]]. I heard at Columbia he was not a very good student, and then he then he gets into Harvard. How do you get into Harvard if you are not a good student? Maybe that's right, maybe that's wrong, but I don't know why he doesn't he release his records. Why doesn't he release his Occidental records? ** press conference, New Hampshire, 2011-04-27 ** {{citation |title=Schieffer: Racism underlying Trump's assertions |date=2011-04-27 |journal=CBS News |url=http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-20058072-503544.html |accessdate=2011-05-01|archiveurl=https://archive.is/ryIny|archivedate=2013-06-28}} ** About [[Barack Obama]], who transferred to Columbia from Occidental College in 1981, graduated from Columbia in 1983, and graduated ''magna cum laude'' with a Juris doctorate from Harvard Law School in 1991 * It's like in [[golf]]. A lot of people — I don't want this to sound trivial — but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It's weird. You see these great players with these really long putters, because they can't sink three-footers anymore. And, I hate it. I am a [[Traditionalistic|traditionalist]]. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be [[Homosexuality|gay]], but I am a traditionalist. **{{citation |title=After Roasting, Trump Reacts In Character |date=2011-05-01 |journal=New York Times |first=Michael |last=Barbaro |url=http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/02/nyregion/after-roasting-trump-reacts-in-character.html |accessdate=2011-05-06}} ** on his opposition to [[same-sex marriage]] * I know the [[Chinese people|Chinese]]. I've made a lot of money with the Chinese. I understand the Chinese mind. ** As quoted in {{citation |date=2011-05-03 |author=Tony Pierce |title=Donald Trump has read a lot of books on China: 'I understand the Chinese mind' |periodical=Los Angeles Times |url=http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2011/05/donald-trump-i-understand-the-chinese-mind.html}}, and in {{citation |date=2015-08-24 |author=John Mauldin |title=Playing the Chinese Trump Card |periodical=Forbes |url=http://www.forbes.com/sites/johnmauldin/2015/08/24/playing-the-chinese-trump-card/}} * I dealt with [[Muammar Gaddafi|Gaddafi]]. I rented him a piece of land. He paid me more for one night than the land was worth for two years, and then I didn't let him use the land. That's what we should be doing. I don't want to use the word 'screwed,' but I screwed him. That's what we should be doing. ** As quoted in {{citation |date=2015-07-22 |title=Donald Trump: In his own colourful words |periodical=BBC News |url=http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33619045}} * She's a slob, she talks like a truck driver. * If I were running my business, I'd fire Rosie, I mean, I'd look her right in that fat ugly face of hers and say, "Rosie, you're fired." ** On an interview on why he hates [[Rosie O'Donnell]] (28 August 2011) *[[Barney Frank]] looked disgusting--nipples protruding--in his blue shirt before Congress. Very very disrespectful. * Twitter, quoted by the [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/12/08/donald-trump-has-called-37-things-disgusting-on-twitter/ Washington Post] (20 December 2011) * Our president will start a war with [[Iran]] because he has absolutely no ability to negotiate. He is weak and he is ineffective. So the only way he figures he is going to be reelected and as sure as you are sitting there, is to start a war with Iran. ** A now-deleted video on his YouTube video blog. {{citation |date=2020-01-03 |title=Trump repeatedly claimed in 2011 and 2012 that Obama would start a war with Iran to win reelection |author=Andrew Kaczynski |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/01/03/politics/kfile-trump-obama-2012-iran-war-reelection/index.html}} ===2012=== * [[Mitt Romney|Mitt]] is tough. He is smart. He is sharp. He is not going to allow bad things to continue to happen to this country that we all love. So Gov. Romney, go out and get em. You can do it. ** Quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-02-02 | url = http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-503544_162-57370443-503544/trump-endorses-mitt-romney-for-president/ | author = Corbett B. Daly | title = Trump endorses Mitt Romney for president | periodical = CBS News }} * No, I've never ''really'' changed. Nothing's ''changed'' my ''mind''. And by the way, you know, you have a huge group of people — I walk down the street, and people are screaming, "Please don't give that up." A lot of people are questioning his birth certificate. They're questioning the authenticity of his birth certificate. I've been known as being a very smart guy for a long time. I don't consider myself birther or not birther, but there are some major questions here and the press doesn't wanna cover it. The press just refuses to cover it. Now if that were somebody else, they would be covering it, and they'd be throwing people out of office. But they don't want to cover it. So it's interesting. ** {{citation | title = Telephone interview | publisher = CNBC | date = 2012-05-29 }}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-05-29 | title = Donald Trump Goes On Epic Birther Rant | newspaper = {{w|The Huffington Post}} | author = Melissa Jeltsen | url = http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/29/donald-trump-romney-obama-birther_n_1553074.html }} * '''Wolf Blitzer:''' Donald, you're beginning to sound a little ridiculous, I have to tell you.<br>'''Donald Trump:''' No I think you are, Wolf. Now let me tell you something, I think ''you'' sound ridiculous, and if you'd ask me a question and let me answer it —<br>'''Blitzer:''' Here's the question, did the conspiracy start in 1961 where the [[w:Honolulu Star-Bulletin|''Honolulu Star-Bulletin'']] and the [[w:Honolulu Advertiser|''Honolulu Advertiser'']] contemporaneously published announcements that he was born in [[Hawaii]]?<br>'''Trump:''' That's right. That's right. And many people put those announcements in because they wanted to get the benefit because of getting so-called born in this country. Many people did it. It was something that was done by many people even though they weren't born in the country. You know and so do I... And so do a lot of your viewers. Although you don't have too many viewers. * '''Donald Trump''' (clip): I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.<br>'''Meredith Vieira''' (clip): You have people now, down there searching—<br>'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely.<br>'''Vieira''' (clip): I mean, in Hawaii?<br>'''Trump''' (clip): Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding.<br>'''Wolf Blitzer''': All right, tell us what your people who were investigating in Hawaii, what they found.<br>'''Trump''': Oh, we don't have to go into old news. That's ''old'' news.<br>'''Blitzer''': Well, what did they find?<br>'''Trump''': There's been plenty found. You can call many people. You can read many, many articles on the authenticity of the certificate. You can read many articles from just recently as to what the publisher printed in a brochure as to what Obama told him, as to where his place of birth is. And that's fine, Wolf.<br>Now, it's appropriate, I think, that we get to the subject of hand, which is — at hand, which is jobs, which is [[Economy of the United States|the economy]], which is how our country is not doing well at all under this leadership, which is how are we going to do something about energy, which is really that things that I wanted to talk to you about, but you like to keep going back to the place of birth. ** {{citation | title = The Situation Room | publisher = CNN | date = 2012-05-29 }}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-05-29 | title = Wolf Blitzer Spars With Donald Trump Over Obama's Birth Certificate | author = Elizabeth Flock | newspaper = US News & World Report | url = http://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/washington-whispers/2012/05/29/wolf-blitzer-spars-with-donald-trump-over-obamas-birth-certificate }} ** Referring to a 1991 promotional booklet by literary agency Acton & Dystel with bios of 89 authors, that erroneously described Barack Obama as "born in Kenya".[http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/birthers/booklet.asp] * He [Obama] lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a [[revolution]] in this country! * The phoney [sic] electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one! * More votes equals a loss... revolution! * This election is a total sham and a travesty. We are not a democracy! * The [[w:United_States_Electoral_College|electoral college]] is a disaster for a democracy. ** Tweets on November 6 and 7, 2012, some of which were later deleted. Trump falsely believed Barack Obama had lost the popular vote. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/fact-checker/wp/2016/11/15/trumps-flip-flop-on-the-electoral-college-from-disaster-to-genius/ Trump’s flip-flop on the electoral college: From ‘disaster’ to ‘genius’] * [[Republicans]] didn't have anything going for them with respect to {{w|Latinos}} and with respect to [[Asian people|Asians]]... The [[Democrats]] didn't have a policy for dealing with illegal immigrants, but what they did have going for them is they weren't mean-spirited about it... They didn't know what the policy was, but what they were is they were kind... He had a crazy policy of self deportation which was maniacal... It sounded as bad as it was, and he lost all of the Latino vote... He lost the Asian vote. He lost everybody who is inspired to come into this country... Take care of this incredible problem that we have with respect to [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]], with respect to people wanting to be wonderful productive citizens of this country. ** Interview with Newsmax (November 2012), quoted in {{citation|date=2015-07-10|author=Jim Geraghty|title=Trump 2008: Bush Is Evil, Talk to Iran, Obama Cannot Do Worse Than Bush|periodical=National Review|url=http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/420996/trump-2008-bush-evil-talk-iran-obama-cannot-do-worse-bush-jim-geraghty}} *[climate change was] "created by and for the Chinese in order to make US manufacturing non-competitive" ** said in 2012 according to [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-51213003 What does Trump actually believe on climate change?] *"It doesn't matter who you vote for--it matters who is counting the votes." Be careful of voter fraud!. Oct 10 2012 [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/256063573669855232] ===2013=== * Must be a pretty picture you dropping to your knees. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7NDpHfXTCI " to Brande Roderick, From The Apprentice, Season 6, Episode 1"] (3 March 2013) <!-- ''YouTube'' --> * I keep asking, how long will we go on defending [[South Korea]] from [[North Korea]] without payment? South Korea is a very very rich country. They're rich because of us. They sell us [[Television|televisions]], they sell us cars. They sell us everything. They are making a fortune. We have a huge deficit with South Korea. They're friends of mine. I do deals with them. I've been partners with them, no problem. But they think we're stupid. They can't believe it. We are defending them against North Korea, we're doing it for nothing. We're not in that position. When will they start to pay us for this defense? Isn't it really ridiculous when you think of it? They make a fortune on the United States and then they got some problems, and what happens? They call the United States to defend them, and we get nothing? **[https://www.youtube.com/watch/?v=agk9ZCrYol4 "From the Desk of Donald Trump: South Korea"] ''[[w:YouTube|YouTube]]'' (10 April 2013) * I’m a very compassionate person (with a very high [[Intelligence quotient|IQ]]) with strong common sense. ** "[https://edition.cnn.com/2017/10/10/politics/donald-trump-tillerson-iq/index.html Donald Trump's IQ obsession, in 22 quotes]" (April 21, 2021) * I do have a relationship and I can tell you that he's very interested in what we're doing here today, he's probably very interested in what you and I are saying today, and I'm sure he is going to be seeing it in some form. But I do have a relationship with him, and I think, er, it's very interesting to see what's happened. I mean, look, he's done a very brilliant job in terms of what he represents and who he's representing, if you look at what he's done with Syria, if you look at so many of the different things, he has really eaten our president's lunch, let's not kid ourselves. ** [http://www.msnbc.com/thomas-roberts/watch/trump-discusses-putin-in-2013-734124099973 Trump responding to a question about whether he had a relationship with Vladimir Putin during an interview with MSNBC's Thomas Roberts while visiting Moscow for the Miss Universe competition] (November 2013) ===2014=== *Healthy young child goes to doctor, gets pumped with massive shot of many vaccines, doesn't feel good and changes - AUTISM. Many such cases! **Twitter, [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/449525268529815552?lang=en 28 March 2014] * If this doctor, who so recklessly flew into New York from West Africa, has Ebola,then Obama should apologize to the American people & resign! ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Snopes fact check: Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.? (23 Oct)] ===2015=== ====May 2015==== * There is a way of beating [[Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIS]] so easily, so quickly, so effectively, and it would be so nice...I know a way that would absolutely give us guaranteed victory...the problem is then everybody will take the idea, run with it and then people will forget where it came from...'''I ran it past two or three people. [It's] so simple. It's like the paper clip.''' ** On his plan to defeat ISIS (May 2015) ====June 2015==== =====[[wikipedia:Donald Trump presidential campaign, 2016#Announcement|Presidential bid announcement]] (June 16, 2015)===== :<small>[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/remarks-announcing-candidacy-for-president-new-york-city "Remarks Announcing Candidacy for President in New York City"], ''{{w|The American Presidency Project}}''</small> [[File:Donald_Trump_crop_2016.jpeg|thumb|Sadly, the [[American dream]] is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will [[w:Make America Great Again|make America great again]].]] * They all said, a lot of the pundits on television, "Well, Donald will never run, and one of the main reasons is he's private and he's probably not as successful as everybody thinks." So I said to myself, you know, nobody's ever going to know unless I run, because I'm really proud of my success. * Our country is in serious trouble. We don't have victories anymore. ... When was the last time anybody saw us beating, let's say, China in a trade deal? They kill us. ... When did we beat Japan at anything? They send their cars over by the millions, and what do we do? When was the last time you saw a [[Chevrolet]] in Tokyo? ... When do we beat Mexico at the border? '''They're laughing at us, at our stupidity.''' ... The U.S. has become a dumping ground for everybody else's problems. * '''When Mexico sends its people, they're not sending their best.''' They're not sending you. They're not sending you. They're sending people that have lots of problems, and they're bringing those problems with us. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. And some, I assume, are good people. But I speak to [[wikipedia:United States Border Patrol|border guards]] and they tell us what we're getting. ... They're sending us not the right people. It's coming from more than Mexico. It's coming from all over South and Latin America, and it's coming probably – probably – from the Middle East. But we don't know. Because we have no protection and we have no competence, we don't know what's happening. And it's got to stop and it's got to stop fast. * I will build a great, great wall on our southern border. And I will have Mexico pay for that wall. * Sadly, the American dream is dead. But if I get elected president, I will bring it back bigger and better and stronger than ever before, and we will make America great again. ====July 2015==== * '''Donald Trump''': Oh, well, if you look at the statistics, of people coming— I didn't say about Mexic— I say the ''[[illegal immigrants]]''— if you look at the statistics on [[rape]], on [[crime]], on everything, coming in illegally into this country, they're mind-boggling. If you go to [[w:Fusion News|Fusion]], you will see a story about 80% of the women coming in– I mean, you have to take a look at these stories. And you know who owns Fusion? [[w:Univision|Univision]]. It was in ''[[w:The Huffington Post|The Huffington Post]]''. I said, let me get some of these articles because I've heard some horrible things. I deal<!--sic--> a lot of talking with people on the border patrol. They're incredible people. They help our country.<br>'''Don Lemon''': But I want some clarification–<br>'''Trump''': No, but Don, all you have to do is go to Fusion and pick up the stories on ''rape'', and it's unbelievable when you look at what's going on. So all I'm doing is telling the truth.<br>'''Lemon''': I've read ''The Washington Post'', I read the Fusion, I read ''The Huffington Post''. And that's about women ''being'' raped, it's not about criminals coming across the border entering the country.<br>'''Trump''': Somebody's doing the raping, Don, I mean, you know– I mean, somebody's doing it. You think it's women being raped, well who's doing the raping? Who's doing the raping? I mean how can you say such a thing. So, the problem is you have to stop illegal immigration coming across the border. You have to create a strong border. If you don't, we don't have a country. **{{citation | date = 2015-07-01 | title = The Situation Room | medium = TV | publisher = CNN | url = http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/01/politics/donald-trump-immigrants-raping-comments/ }} [[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_2.jpg|thumb|I can't apologize for the truth.]] * '''I can never apologize for the truth. I don't mind apologizing for things but I can't apologize for the truth.''' ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-02 | title = TRUMP: 'I use the word rape and all of a sudden everyone goes crazy' | author = | newspaper = finance.yahoo.com | url = https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-word-rape-sudden-everyone-172614480.html }} *The Obama Administration's agreement with Iran is very dangerous. Iran developing a nuclear weapon, either through uranium or nuclear fuel, and defying the world is still a very real possibility. The inspections will not be followed, and Iran will no longer have any sanctions. Iran gets everything and loses nothing. Every promise the Obama Administration made in the beginning of negotiations, including the vow (made at the beginning of the negotiations) to get our great American prisoners returned to the U. S. has been broken. This is a bad deal that sets a dangerous precedent. This deal sets off a nuclear arms race in the Middle East, which is the most-unstable region in the world. It is a horrible and perhaps catastrophic event for [[Israel]]. Furthermore, we should have kept the billions of dollars we have agreed to pay them. Any great dealmaker would know this is a perfect example of "tapping along" and because they have been unchecked for so long throughout this extremely lengthy process, I guarantee they are much closer to producing a nuclear weapon than they were at the start of negotiations. The fact is, the US has incompetent leaders and even more incompetent negotiators. We must do better for America and the world. We have to [[Make America Great Again]]. **[https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-donald-j-trump-the-iran-agreement Statement by Donald J. Trump on the Iran Agreement], ''American Presidency Project'', 14 July 2015 * And I had an idea recently. When they send illegals into our country, we charge Mexico $100,000 for every illegal that crosses that border because it's trouble. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-15 | title = Fox News "Hannity"- Transcript: Trump On El Chappo And Undocumented Immigration | author = | newspaper = Fox News | url = https://votesmart.org/public-statement/1113598/fox-news-hannity-transcript-trump-on-el-chappo-and-undocumented-immigration#.XxcUdZMzbOQ }} * '''Donald Trump:''' 15,000 people showed up to hear me speak. Bigger than anybody and everybody knows it. A beautiful day with incredible people that were wonderful, great Americans, I will tell you. [[John McCain]] goes, "Oh, boy, Trump makes my job difficult. He had 15,000 ''crazies'' show up." Crazies. He called them all crazy. I said, they weren't crazy. They were great Americans. These people— if you would have seen these people— you— I know what a crazy is. I know all about crazies. These weren't crazy. So he insulted me and he insulted everybody in that room...<br>'''Frank Luntz:''' He's a war hero.<br>'''Donald Trump:''' He's not a war hero.<br>'''Luntz:''' He's a war hero.<br>'''Trump:''' He is a war hero—<br>'''Luntz:''' Five and a half years in a POW camp.<br>'''Trump:''' He's a war hero 'cause he was captured. I like people that weren't captured, OK? I hate to tell you.<br>'''Luntz:''' Do you agree with that?<br>'''Trump:''' He's a war hero. He's a war hero because he was captured, OK? You can have— and I believe— perhaps he's a war hero, but— but right now he said some very bad things about a lot of people. ** Family Leadership Summit 2015, quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-07-18 | title = Donald Trump tells John McCain: 'I like people who weren't captured' | author = Harriet Alexander | newspaper = The Telegraph | url = http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/republicans/11748859/Donald-Trump-tells-John-McCain-I-like-people-who-werent-captured.html }} * Look, having nuclear—my uncle was a great professor and [[Scientists|scientist]] and [[Engineering|engineer]], Dr. John Trump at [[Massachusetts Institute of Technology|MIT]]; good genes, very good genes, OK, very smart, the [[w:Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania|Wharton School of Finance]], very good, very smart—you know, if you're a [[Conservatism|conservative]] Republican, if I were a [[Liberalism|liberal]], if, like, OK, if I ran as a liberal Democrat, they would say I'm one of the smartest people anywhere in the world—it's true!—but when you're a conservative Republican they try—oh, do they do a number—that's why I always start off: Went to Wharton, was a good student, went there, went there, did this, built a fortune—you know I have to give my like credentials all the time, because we're a little disadvantaged—but you look at the nuclear deal, the thing that really bothers me—it would have been so easy, and it's not as important as these lives are (nuclear is powerful; my uncle explained that to me many, many years ago, the power and that was 35&nbsp;years ago; he would explain the power of what's going to happen and he was right—who would have thought?), but when you look at what's going on with the four prisoners—now it used to be three, now it's four—but when it was three and even now, I would have said it's all in the messenger; fellas, and it is fellas because, you know, they don't, they haven't figured that the women are smarter right now than the men, so, you know, it's gonna take them about another 150&nbsp;years—but the Persians are great negotiators, the Iranians are great negotiators, so, and they, they just killed, they just killed us. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-21 | title = Speech in Sun City, South Carolina | author = | newspaper = Slate | url = http://www.slate.com/blogs/lexicon_valley/2015/07/31/donald_trump_this_run_on_sentence_from_a_speech_in_sun_city_south_carolina.html }} * If you can't get rich dealing with politicians, there's something wrong with you. ** [http://www.motherjones.com/mojo/2015/07/donald-trump-campaign-speech-lindsey-graham Campaign Rally in South Carolina] ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImhJ2sFBJmA YouTube]<!--[Has to add exactly minute and second in this video]--> * I'm a Republican, I'm a conservative, I'm in first place, I want to run as a Republican and I think I'll get the nomination... [<nowiki/>[[Hillary Clinton]]] is easily the worst Secretary of State in the history of the country. She's going to be beaten and I'm the one to beat her. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-23 | title = Donald Trump tours Mexican border with Texas | author = | newspaper = BBC | url = http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-33645971 }} * '''Jose Diaz-Balart:''' Mr. Trump, you know 53,000 [[w:Hispanic-American|Hispanics]] turn 18 years of age in this country every month, born in the country of voting age. 54 million plus Hispanics — many feel that what you said when you said that the people who cross the border are rapists and murderers—<br>'''Donald Trump:''' No, no, no! We're talking about [[w:Illegal immigration in the United States|illegal immigration]] and everybody understands that. And you know what? That's a typical case. That's a typical case of the press with misinterpretation. They take a half a sentence, they take a half a sentence, then they take quarter of a sentence and put it all together. It's a typical thing...<br>'''Diaz-Balart:''' I'm not finished with my question.<br>'''Trump:''' No, no! You're finished! **{{citation | date = 2015-07-23 | title = Crowd Erupts in Applause at How Donald Trump Handles MSNBC Host at Presser: 'You're Finished!' | author = Oliver Darcy | newspaper = TheBlaze | url = http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/07/23/crowd-erupts-in-applause-at-how-donald-trump-handles-msnbc-host-at-presser-youre-finished/ }} * I think that I would be a great uniter. I think that I would have great diplomatic skills. I think that I would be able to get along with people very well. I've had a great success in my life. I think the world would unite if I were the leader of the United States. ** {{citation | date = 2015-07-30 | title = Trump: 'World would unite if I were the leader' | author = Jesse Byrnes | newspaper = The Hill | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/249875-trump-world-would-unite-if-i-were-the-leader }} ====August 2015==== [[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_3.jpg|thumb|I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.]] * I think the big problem this country has is being [[Political correctness|politically correct]]. ** Republican Presidential Debate 2015 — {{citation | date = 2015-08-06 | title = Annotated transcript: The Aug. 6 GOP debate | author = | newspaper = The Washington Post | url = https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/08/06/annotated-transcript-the-aug-6-gop-debate/ }} * You could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2015/08/08/politics/donald-trump-cnn-megyn-kelly-comment/ On Megyn Kelly] (7 August 2015) * I cherish women. I want to help women. I'm going to do things for women that no other candidate will be able to do. ** {{citation | date = 2015-08-09 | title = 12 times Donald Trump declared his 'respect' for women | author = Gregoy Krieg | newspaper = CNN | url = https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/07/politics/donald-trump-respect-women/index.html }} * I will be phenomenal to the women. I mean, I want to help women. ** ''Face the Nation'', 9 August 2015 *I think there has to be a trust. There actually has to be a trust. If you don't trust, you're not going to do very well. **In response to a reporter's line of questioning on what his specific plans will be to achieve the goals of his campaign. [http://www.cnsnews.com/news/article/melanie-hunter/trump-specifics-his-proposals-trust-me "Trump on Specifics of His Proposals: ‘Trust Me'"] (12 August 2015), by Melanie Hunter * We have to keep the families together, but they have to go. What if they have no place to go? ** During the [[w:Iowa State Fair|Iowa State Fair]] (2015 August 15) * You know, when you put out policy, like a 14-point plan? A lot of times in the first hour of negotiation, that 14-point plan goes astray, but you may end up with a better deal. That's the way it works. That's the way really life works. When I do a deal, I don't say, "Oh, here's 14 points." I got out and do it. I don't sit down and talk about 14 points. ** Appearance at Iowa State Fair - {{citation | date = 2015-08-15 | title = Donald Trump's surprisingly savvy analysis of American politics | author = | newspaper = The Washington Post | url= http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2015/08/16/donald-trumps-surprisingly-savvy-comment-about-american-politics/ }} {{Paywalled source}} *What's the difference between a wet raccoon and Donald J. Trump's hair? A wet raccoon doesn't have seven billion fucking dollars in the bank. **20 August 2015 roast on Comedy Central [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-roast-364701 transcribed by Newsweek] * Hillary Clinton was the worst [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] in the history of the country. The world came apart under her reign... I will be the one to beat Hillary.<br>If you start adding it up, our real unemployment rate is 42%. ** {{citation | date = 2015-08-20 | title = Donald Trump Explains All | author = | newspaper = Time | url = http://time.com/4003734/donald-trump-interview-transcript/ }}. For a discussion of this figure, see [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/11/upshot/the-real-jobless-rate-is-42-percent-donald-trump-has-a-point-sort-of.html "The Real Jobless Rate Is 42 Percent? Donald Trump Has a Point, Sort Of"] by Neil Irwin, ''The New York Times'' (10 February 2016). * You've seen my statements, I do very well, I don't mind paying some taxes. The [[w:Middle class|middle class]] is getting clobbered in this country. You know the middle class built this country, not the hedge fund guys, but I know people in hedge funds that pay almost nothing and it's ridiculous. ** Interview on [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]]'s ''With All Due Respect'' — {{citation | date = 2015-08-26 | title = Donald Trump Says He Wants to Raise Taxes on Himself | author = David Knowles | newspaper = Bloomberg | url = http://www.bloomberg.com/politics/articles/2015-08-26/donald-trump-says-he-wants-to-raise-taxes-on-himself }} * I do whine because I want to win and I’m not happy about not winning and I am a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win. ** Interview with [[w:Chris Cuomo|Chris Cuomo]]{{citation | date = 2015-08-11 | title = Donald Trump: ‘I keep whining and whining until I win’ | author = Jeremy Diamond | newspaper = CNN | url = https://www.cnn.com/2015/08/11/politics/donald-trump-refutes-third-party-run-report/index.html}} ====September 2015==== * We're a nation that speaks English. I think that, while we're in this nation, we should be speaking English... that's how we assimilate. ** {{citation | date = 2015-09-03 | title = Donald Trump: "While We're in This Nation, We Should Be Speaking English" | newspaper = The Hollywood Reporter | url = http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/donald-trump-speak-english-spanish-820215 }} * "''Look'' at that face! [of [[Carly Fiorina]]] Would anyone ''vote'' for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next ''president''?!" ** {{citation | date = 2015-09-09 | title = Trump Seriously: On the Trail With the GOP's Tough Guy | newspaper = Rolling Stone | url = http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/trump-seriously-20150909 }} * The fact is all lives matter. That includes black, and it includes white, and it includes everybody else. And we have... Democrats that are afraid to even say that. ** As quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-09 | title = Donald Trump trashes Black Lives Matter: 'I think they're trouble' | author = Colin Campbell | newspaper = Business Insider | url = http://uk.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-black-lives-matter-2015-9?r=US&IR=T }} * This is a country where we speak English, not Spanish. ** Criticizing Jeb Bush for speaking Spanish on the campaign trail during a Republican Presidential Debate on CNN (16 September 2015) * '''Audience member''': We have a problem in this country, it's called Muslims. Our current President is one. We know he's not even an American. We have training camps growing where they want to kill us. That's my question, when can we get rid of them? <br>'''Donald Trump''': We're going to be looking at a lot of different things. A lot of people are saying that and a lot of people are saying that bad things are happening out there. We're going to be looking at that and a lot of different things. ** At a town hall meeting in New Hampshire — as quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-17 | title = Here's How Donald Trump Responded to a Person Saying President Obama is Muslim | author = Maya Rhodan | newspaper = Time | url = http://time.com/4039658/trump-obama-muslim/ }} * Am I morally obligated to defend the president every time somebody says something bad or controversial about him? I don't think so! * This is the first time in my life that I have caused controversy by NOT saying something. ** Tweets — quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-20 | title = Trump defend Obama? 'I don't think so!' | author = Doina Chiacu | newspaper = Reuters | url = http://www.reuters.com/article/2015/09/20/us-usa-election-trump-idUSKCN0RJ0KT20150920 }} * You can be politically correct if you want, but are you trying to say we don't have a problem? ... Most Muslims, like most everything, I mean, these are fabulous people... But we certainly do have a problem, I mean, you have a problem throughout the world. ... It wasn't people from Sweden that blew up the World Trade Center. ** On CNN's "State of the Union" with Jake Tapper — as quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-20 | title = Trump: 'We certainly do have a problem' with some Muslims | author = Timothy Cama | newspaper = The Hill | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/254307-trump-we-certainly-do-have-a-problem-with-some-muslims }} * The first thing I'd do in my first day as president is close up our borders so that illegal immigrants cannot come into our country. ** Twitter question and answer session from Twitter's New York office — as quoted in {{citation | date = 2015-09-21 | title = Trump: I'll close US borders 'in my first day' | author = Jesse Byrnes | newspaper = The Hill | url = http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/254391-trump-ill-close-us-borders-in-my-first-day }} * You ever see guys with nothing on their desk? They always fail. I don't know what it is. I've seen it for years. ** Explaining his messy desk, ''The New York Times Magazine'' interview. {{citation | date=2015-09-21 | title=Donald Trump is not going anywhere | author = Mark Leibovich | newspaper = The New York Times Magazine | url = http://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html }} * Why aren't we letting ISIS go and fight Assad and then we pick up the remnants? ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-60-minutes-scott-pelley/ Interview in ''60 Minutes''], 2015-09-27 ** Cited by [[Mitt Romney]] in [http://uk.businessinsider.com/mitt-romney-donald-trump-isis-60-minutes-ridiculous-2016-3?r=US&IR=T ''Business Insider''], 2016-03-03 * I will tell you in terms of leadership he is getting an 'A,' and our president is not doing so well. They did not look good together. ** {{citation |date=2015-09-30 |author=Reena Flores |title=Donald Trump gives Russia's Putin an 'A' in leadership |periodical=CBS News |url=https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-gives-russias-putin-an-a-in-leadership/}} ====October 2015==== *All my friends who work out all the time, they’re going for knee replacements, hip replacements — they’re a disaster **4 October 2015 interview with [https://www.nytimes.com/2015/10/04/magazine/donald-trump-is-not-going-anywhere.html New York Times] * I've always said, if you run for president, you shouldn't be allowed to use teleprompters. Because you don't even know if the guy is smart. ** Norcross, Georgia, {{#formatdate:2015-10-10}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-07-21 |title=Teleprompter Trump: the right temperament or low-energy Donald? |author=Joe Concha |periodical=The Hill |url=https://thehill.com/blogs/pundits-blog/presidential-campaign/288626-teleprompter-trump-the-right-temperament-or-low}} * He was such a nice guy. And he said, Oh, I'm never going to attack. But then his poll numbers tanked. He's got -- that's why he's on the end -- and he got nasty. And he got nasty. So you know what? You can have him. ** Response to [[John Kasich]] {{citation | date=2015-10-28 |title= CNBC Republican debate transcript |newspaper = CNBC |url = http://www.cnbc.com/2015/10/29/cnbc-full-transcript-cnbcs-your-money-your-vote-the-republican-presidential-debate-part-2.html }} ====November 2015==== * '''Trump''': I'm Donald Trump, and I'm running for president. Our country is in deep trouble because let's face it: politics are all talk and no action. My opponents have no experience in creating jobs or making deals. The fact is, I'm going to make the greatest trade deals we've ever made in our country. And I'm going to bring jobs and money back to the United States. I'll take care of our veterans and make our military so strong that nobody will ever mess with us. I'll secure our borders, and yes, we will have a wall. You can't have a country without borders. [[w:Affordable Care Act|Obamacare]] is a great plan . It will be repealed and replaced with something much better. If the people of Iowa vote for me, you'll never be disappointed. I don't disappoint people, I produce. Together, we're going to [[w:Make America Great Again|Make America Great Again]]. I'm Donald Trump, candidate for president, and I hate this message.<br>'''Female V/O''': Paid for by Donald J. Trump for President, Inc. ** Radio ad aired in Iowa (5 November 2015) * Watch and study the [[Mosque|mosques]], because a lot of talk is going on at the mosques. ** As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2015/11/16/politics/donald-trump-paris-attacks-close-mosques/index.html "Donald Trump: 'Strongly consider' shutting mosques"] (16 November 2015), by Gregory Krieg, ''CNN'' (2015), Atlanta, Georgia: Cable News Network. * I would certainly implement that. Absolutely... There should be a lot of systems, beyond databases. We should have a lot of systems... They have to be. They have to be... It's all about management. ** As quoted in [http://www.people.com/article/donald-trump-muslim-database-syrian-refugees "Donald Trump Says He Supports a Database and ID Cards to Track Muslims in the U.S.: 'We're Going to Have to Look at the Mosques'"] (20 November 2015), by Char Adams, ''People''. * Somebody said I’m the Ernest Hemingway of 140 characters. ** Quoted by {{citation | date=2015-11-20 |title= Trump says he’s the Hemingway of Twitter |newspaper = The Hill | author = Bradford Richardson |url = https://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/gop-primaries/260949-trump-says-hes-the-hemingway-of-twitter }} * Get him the hell out of here. ** As quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-supporters-black-lives-matter-protester-clash-at-rally/ "Trump supporters, Black Lives Matter protester clash at rally"] (21 November 2015), by Reena Flores, ''CBS News'', CBS Interactive, Inc. *I watched when the World Trade Center came tumbling down. And I watched in [[w:Jersey City, New Jersey|Jersey City, N.J.]], where thousands and thousands of people were cheering as that building was coming down. Thousands of people were cheering.<br>It was on television. I saw it. It was well covered at the time, George. Now, I know they don't like to talk about it, but it was well covered at the time. There were people over in [[New Jersey]] that were watching it, a heavy Arab population, that were cheering as the buildings came down. Not good. **21 November 2015 speech in [[w:Birmingham, Alabama|Birmingham, Alabama]], then next-day reply to [[George Stephanopoulos]], according to [https://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/nov/22/donald-trump/fact-checking-trumps-claim-thousands-new-jersey-ch/ 22 November 2015 PolitiFact article] * Written by a nice reporter. Now the poor guy - you ought to see the guy: ‘Uhh I don't know what I said. I don't remember!' He's going, ‘I don't remember! Maybe that's what I said.' ** As quoted in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PX9reO3QnUA&t=15 "Trump mocks reporter with disability"] (25 November 2015 by CNN) and [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/donald-trump/12019097/Donald-Trump-accused-of-mocking-disabled-reporter.html "Donald Trump accused of mocking disabled reporter"] (26 November 2015), by Rob Crilly regarding [[Serge Kovaleski]] =====''[[wikipedia:Crippled America|Crippled America: How to Make America Great Again]]'' (November 2015)===== :published 3 November 2015 * The enthusiasm was based on pure love and love of what we were doing. ** Preface, p. xiv * The fact is I give people what they need and deserve to hear - exactly what they don't get from politicians - and that is The Truth. Our country is a mess right now and we don't have time to pretend otherwise. We don't have time to waste on being politically correct. ** p. 8 * I use the media the way the media uses me—to attract attention. Once I have that attention, it's up to me to use it to my advantage. ** p. 10 * I've seen these so-called journalists flat-out lie. I say that because incompetence doesn't begin to explain the inaccurate stories they have written. ** p. 12 * Our country, our people, and our laws have to be our top priority. ** p. 30 * Citizenship is not a gift we can afford to keep giving away. ** p. 28 * I want good people to come here from all over the world, but I want them to do so legally. We can expedite the process, we can reward achievement and excellence, but we have to respect the legal process. And those people who take advantage of the system and come here illegally should never enjoy the benefits of being a resident--or citizen--of this nation. So I am against any path to citizenship for undocumented workers or anyone else who is in this country illegaly. They should--and need to--go home and get in line. ** p. 30 * Depending on the price of oil, Saudi Arabia earns somewhere between half a billion and a billion dollars every day. They wouldn't exist, let alone have that wealth, without our protection. We get nothing from them. Nothing. We defend Germany. We defend Japan. We defend South Korea. These are powerful and wealthy countries. We get nothing from them. It's time to change all that. It's time to win again. ** p. 34 * When Kuwait was attacked by Saddam Hussein, all the wealthy Kuwaitis ran to Paris. They didn't just rent suites—they took up whole buildings, entire hotels. They lived like kings while their country was occupied. Who did they turn to for help? Who else? Uncle Sucker. That's us. ** p. 34 * We can't be afraid to use our military, but sending our sons and daughters should be the very last resort. I've seen what wars do to our kids. I've seen their broken bodies, know all about the horrors that live in their heads, and the enormous effects of trauma. We cannot commit American troops to battle without a real and tangible objective. ** p. 35 * To me, for politicians to claim that we have an answer to every problem is silly. When you listen to some politicians reeling off their prepared answers, you almost fall for it. They're all experts. But nothing ever happens. ** p. 73 * I manage to blast through the ridiculous liberal bias of the media and speak right to the hearts of the people - or at least I try. ** p. 80 * It's not just jobs that are being lost to other countries. We are seeing whole industries vanish overseas. ** p. 85 * A great leader has to be flexible, holding his ground on the major principles but finding room for compromises that can bring people together. A great leader has to be savvy at negotiations so we don't drown every bill in pork barrel bridges to nowhere. I know how to stand my ground — but I also know that Republicans and Democrats need to find common ground to stand on as well. ** p. 96 * We look at politicians and think: This one's owned by this millionaire. That one's owned by that millionaire, or lobbyist, or special interest group. Me? I speak for the people. So the establishment attacks me. They can't own me, they can't dictate to me, so they search for ways to dismiss me. ** p. 97 ====December 2015==== * My policy has always been the same. We're fighting ISIS and Assad is fighting ISIS, but we're backing rebels to fight [[w:Bashar al-Assad|Assad]]. You can't fight everybody, you have to pick who you want to fight. And now you've got [[Turkey]], who like ISIS more than they like others, no one really knows because we don't have people that know what they're doing. So in my opinion, you go along, and [[Russia]] does not like ISIS, and people are starting to find out. I mean in all fairness lost an airplane, got blew out of the air. So Russia is not a fan of ISIS. Russia is bombing the hell out of them, starting to bomb them. I say isis is our number one threat. We can't be fighting everybody at the same time. ISIS is our number one threat. I would bomb the hell out of them -- I like to do one thing at a time. I would knock the hell out of ISIS. I would hit them ... so hard like they've never been hit before. ** In an interview with ''{{w|Fox & Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015) * They're using them as shields. It's a horrible thing. They're using them as shields. But we're fighting a very politically correct war. And the other thing is with the terrorists. You have to take out their families. When you get these terrorists, you have to take out their families. They care about their lives. Don't kid yourself. But they say they don't care about their lives. You have to take out their families. ** When asked how he would deal with civilian casualties. In an interview with ''{{w|Fox & Friends}}''. [http://www.politico.com/story/2015/12/trump-kill-isil-families-216343] (December 2, 2015) * If you're in the [[w:White House|White House]], who wants to take a vacation? You're in the White House!… What's better than the White House? Why these vacations? **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] December 5, 2015 rally * Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of Muslims entering the United States until our country's representatives can figure out what is going on... According to Pew Research, among others, there is great hatred towards Americans by large segments of the Muslim population. Most recently, a poll from the [[w:Center for Security Policy|Center for Security Policy]] released data showing "25% of those polled agreed that violence against Americans here in the United States is justified as a part of the global jihad" and 51% of those polled, "agreed that Muslims in America should have the choice of being governed according to [[Sharia|Shariah]]." Shariah authorizes such atrocities as murder against non-believers who won't convert, beheadings and more unthinkable acts that pose great harm to Americans, especially women. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/donald-j.-trump-statement-on-preventing-muslim-immigration Statement on Preventing Muslim Immigration] (December 7, 2015) archived [https://archive.ph/TK7qR here] * We are losing a lot of people to the Internet. We have to do something. We have to go see [[Bill Gates]] and a lot of different people that really understand what's happening. We have to talk to them [about], maybe in certain areas, closing that Internet up in some way. '''Some people will say, ‘[[Freedom of speech]], Freedom of speech'. These are foolish people.''' ** [https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/dec/08/googles-eric-schmidt-spell-checkers-hate-harassment-terrorism Google's Eric Schmidt calls for 'spell-checkers for hate and harassment'], 8 December 2015, by Alex Hern. * We have places in [[London]] and other places that are so radicalised that the [[police]] are afraid for their own lives. We have to be very smart and very vigilant. ** As quoted in [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-claims-parts-of-london-are-so-radicalised-police-officers-are-afraid-for-their-lives-a6765026.html "Donald Trump claims parts of London are 'so radicalised' police officers are 'afraid for their lives'"] by Rose Troup Buchanan, ''[[w:The Independent|The Independent]]'' (8 December 2015); also in [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3352406/Scotland-Yard-mocks-Trump-s-claims-London-police-terrified-Muslim-areas-officers-claim-tycoon-RIGHT.html "'Trump's not wrong – we can't wear uniform in our OWN cars': Five police officers claim Donald Trump is RIGHT about parts of London being so 'radicalised' they are no-go areas"] by Martin Robinson, ''Daily Mail Online'' (9 December 2015) * These are people that are outside the country, so we're really not talking about the [[U.S. Constitution|Constitution]]. And it's not about religion. This is about safety. This has nothing to do with religion. It's about safety. ** Interview on ABC's "Life with Kelly and Michael", as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/ballot-box/presidential-races/262615-trump-muslim-ban-not-about-religion "Trump: Muslim ban 'not about religion'"] by Jesse Byrnes, ''The Hill'' (9 December 2015) * We're doing really well with the [[Evangelicalism in the United States|evangelicals]], and, by the way: And again, I do like [[Ted Cruz]] -- but not a lot of [[Evangelicalism|evangelicals]] come out of [[Cuba]], in all fairness. It's true. Not a lot come out. But I like him nevertheless. But I think we're going to do great, and we are doing great with evangelicals.<br>I'm with you. I'm with everybody. I'm with everybody, look, I'm self-funding. I have no oil company. I have no special [[interest]]. I have no lobbyists.<br>Well look he's from [[Texas]] -- to the best of my knowledge, there's a lot of oil in Texas, right? So, he gets a lot of money from the oil companies, and he's against ethanol and everything you're else talking about. And I'm not I'm totally in favor. And you know it's a big industry here, it's a big industry. You know if that industry is upset Iowa's got problems.<br>I really do, I like Ted Cruz a lot, I would say that we would certainly have things in mind for Ted, to be honest with you. I mean, he's somebody that I could certainly say that [about] because I like him. **11 December 2015 during a rally in Iowa, according to [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2015/12/11/donald-trump-questions-ted-cruzs-ties-to-major-oil-companies/ Washington Post article] by Jenna Johnson, [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/in-iowa-donald-trump-hits-ted-cruz-on-ethanol-and-religion/ CBS News article] by Kylie Atwood, and [https://web.archive.org/web/20151213223442/http://blogs.reuters.com/talesfromthetrail/2015/12/12/donald-trump-and-ted-cruz-are-best-of-frenemies/ Reuters article] by Emily Stephenson * We're rounding 'em up in a very humane way, in a very nice way. And they're going to be happy because they want to be legalized. And, by the way, I know it doesn't sound nice. But not everything is nice. **27 December 2015 on ''60 Minutes'' * I know words. I have the best words. **30 December 2015 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kn283OjPb1g speech in Hilton Head Island, South Carolina] reported by [https://gawker.com/yet-another-bold-claim-from-donald-trump-i-know-words-1750331997 Gawker] and [https://dailycaller.com/2015/12/30/trump-i-know-words-i-have-the-best-words-obama-is-stupid-video/ The Daily Caller] * I'm trying to figure out, let's see, I'm in my room, in [[New York City|New York city]], and I want to put a little spray, so I can, you know [mimes spraying] right, right, but I hear they don't want me to use the hairspray, they want me to use the pump, because the other one, which I really like better than going [mimes pumping] bang, bang, bang, and then it comes out in big globs, right, and it's stuck in your hair and you say, "Oh my god I've got to take a shower again, my hair's all screwed up", right, I want to use hairspray, but they say "Don't use hairspray, it's bad for the ozone", so I'm sitting in this concealed [sic] apartment, this concealed unit (you know I do live in a very apartment, right) but it's sealed (it's beautiful) I don't think anything gets out, and I'm not supposed to be using hairspray! **30 December 2015 [https://www.c-span.org/video/?402610-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-hilton-head-south-carolina speaking at a rally in Hilton Head, SC] ===2016=== ====January 2016==== [[File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_4.jpg|thumb|I'm very angry. Because our country is being run horribly. I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it.<br> We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief! Our country is being run by incompetent people and yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess!]] * The entire world has been upset. The entire world, it's a different place. During Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton's term, she's done a horrible job.<br>She has caused death. She has caused tremendous death with incompetent decisions. I was against the [[war in Iraq]]. I wasn't a politician, but I was against the war in Iraq. She voted for the war in Iraq.<br>Look at {{w|Libya}}. That was her baby. Look. I mean, I'm not even talking about the ambassador and the people with the ambassador. Young, wonderful people. With messages coming in by the hundreds, and she's not even responding. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about all of the death that's been caused and not only our side.<br>There was nothing saved. If we would have never done anything in the Middle East, we would have a much safer world right now. ... All of this has led to the migration. All of this has led to tremendous death and destruction. And she for the most part was in charge of it along with Obama.<br>She's constantly playing the woman card. It's the only way she may get elected. I mean frankly... Personally, I'm not sure that anybody else other than me is going to beat her. And I think she's a flawed candidate. And you see what's happened recently. And it hasn't been a very pretty picture for her or for Bill. Because I'm the only one that's willing to talk about his problems. I mean, what he did and what he has gone through I think is frankly terrible, especially if she wants to play the woman card.<br>I have more respect for women by far than Hillary Clinton has. And I will do more for women than Hillary Clinton will. I will do far more including the protection of our country. She caused a lot of the problems that we have right now. ** CBS interview with John Dickerson (taped 1 January 2016) for ''[[wikipedia:Face the Nation|Face the Nation]]'' — as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/01/trump-hillary-clinton-donald-217294 "Trump: Clinton has ruined the world"] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 January 2016) * They've created ISIS. Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama; created with Obama. But I love predicting because you know, ultimately, you need somebody with vision. ** At a rally, as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 "TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'"] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016) * She [Clinton] has a terrible record as secretary of state. I mean, she's literally created ISIS. If you look at her, between her and Obama, they're the ones — we have this big ISIS problem they created with their bad policies and their bad thinking. ** On ''[[wikipedia:Fox & Friends|Fox & Friends]]'', as quoted in [http://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-created-isis-obama-2016-1 "TRUMP: 'Hillary Clinton created ISIS with Obama'"] by Colin Campbell, ''Business Insider'' (3 January 2016) * Mexico is going to be the new China because what they're doing to us is unbelievable, although they did catch El Chapo. Good? Good? They did catch El Chapo, that's good. I mean I don't know, he better not escape a third time, you know? Those tunnels, bing, boom, right under the toilet, bing boom, right up. It's pretty amazing when you think about it, right? But anyway. I have an idea: Put him on the fourth floor this time, right? No more, no more first floors. ** Speech (9 January 2016), as quoted in [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/el-chapo-on-donald-trump-mi-amigo/ "El Chapo on Donald Trump: 'Mi Amigo!"], by Rebecca Kaplan, ''CBS News'' (10 January 2016). * I'm very angry because our country is being run horribly and I will gladly accept the mantle of anger. Our military is a disaster. Our healthcare is a horror show. Obamacare, we're going to repeal it and replace it. We have no borders. Our vets are being treated horribly. Illegal immigration is beyond belief. Our country is being run by incompetent people. And yes, I am angry. I'm angry because our country is a mess. ** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016). * And just so — if I could, because he insulted a lot of people. I've had more calls on that statement that [[Ted Cruz|Ted]] made — New York is a great place. It's got great people, it's got loving people, wonderful people. When the World Trade Center came down, I saw something that no place on [[Earth]] could have handled more beautifully, more humanely than New York. You had two one hundred, you had two 110-story buildings come crashing down. I saw them come down. Thousands of people killed, and the cleanup started the next day, and it was the most horrific cleanup, probably in the history of doing this, and in construction. I was down there, and I've never seen anything like it. And the people in New York fought and fought and fought, and we saw more death, and even the smell of death — nobody understood it. And it was with us for months, the smell, the air. And we rebuilt downtown Manhattan, and everybody in the world watched and everybody in the world loved New York and loved New Yorkers. And I have to tell you, that was a very insulting statement that Ted made. ** [http://time.com/4182096/republican-debate-charleston-transcript-full-text/ Full Transcript of the Sixth Republican Debate in Charleston], ''[[wikipedia:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' (14 January 2016). * The truth is, he's a nasty guy. He was so nice to me. I mean, I knew it. I was watching. I kept saying, 'Come on Ted. Let's go, okay.' But he's a nasty guy. Nobody likes him. Nobody in Congress likes him. Nobody likes him anywhere once they get to know him. He's a very –- he's got an edge that's not good. You can't make deals with people like that and it's not a good thing. It's not a good thing for the country. Very nasty guy. ** About [[Ted Cruz]] in an interview on ''[[wikipedia:This Week (ABC TV series)|This Week]]'' [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/01/17/donald_trump_ted_cruz_is_a_nasty_guy_nobody_likes_him.html] (January 17, 2016) * [[wikipedia:Tony Perkins (politician)|Tony Perkins]] wrote that out for me -- he actually wrote out 2, he wrote out the number 2 Corinthians, I took exactly what Tony said, and I said, 'Well Tony has to know better than anybody. * It's a very small deal, but a lot of people in different sections of the world say two, and I've had many, many people say that to me. My mother, as you know, was from Scotland, and they say two. ** In an interview with {{w|CNN}}'s {{w|Don Lemon}}, about saying "two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians" during a speech at Liberty University. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/01/20/politics/donald-trump-tony-perkins-sarah-palin/] (January 22, 2016) * Ted Cruz lies. He's a liar. And that's why nobody likes him, that's why his Senate people won't endorse him. That's why he stands on the middle of the Senate floor and can't make a deal with anybody. He looks like a jerk. He's standing all by himself. And you know, there's something to say about having a little bit of ability to get other people to do things. You can't be a lone wolf and stand there. That's sort of what we have right now as a president. ** [http://www.msnbc.com/morning-joe/watch/trump-ted-cruz-lies-he-s-a-liar-608990275597 Morning Joe] (26 January 2016) * But you cannot say anymore that the United States is going to pay for the wall. I am just going to say that we are working it out. Believe it or not, this is the least important thing that we are talking about, but politically this might be the most important talk about. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017) * So what I would like to recommend is – if we are going to have continued dialogue – we will work out the wall. They are going to say, "who is going to pay for the wall, Mr. President?" to both of us, and we should both say, "we will work it out." It will work out in the formula somehow. As opposed to you saying, "we will not pay" and me saying, "we will not pay." ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017) * Up in [[New Hampshire]] – I won New Hampshire because New Hampshire is a drug-infested den – is coming from the southern border. ** Actually, Clinton took NH; [https://www.washingtonpost.com/graphics/2017/politics/australia-mexico-transcripts/?utm_term=.95d2f93766d6 Full transcripts of Trump's calls with Mexico and Australia By Greg Miller, Julie Vitkovskaya and Reuben Fischer-Baum; Aug. 3, 2017] (Friday, January 27, 2017) =====Speech at {{w|Liberty University}} (18 January 2016)===== : <small>[http://www.c-span.org/video/?403331-1/donald-trump-remarks-liberty-university Presidential Candidate Donald Trump at Liberty University], ''C-SPAN'' (18 January 2016)</small> * We've done great with the evangelicals. The evangelicals have been amazing. The [[Tea Party movement|Tea Party]] has been amazing and we're doing really well. * We're going to protect [[Christianity]], and I can say that. I don't have to be {{w|politically correct}}. We're going to protect it. I hear this is a major theme right here, but [[wikipedia:2 Corinthians 3|two Corinthians, 3]]:17, that's the whole ball game. "''Where the Spirit of the Lord''", right, "''where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is [[liberty]]''", and here there is Liberty College, but Liberty University, but it is so true. You know, when you think -- and that's really -- is that the one? Is that the one you like? I think that's the one you like because I loved it, and it's so representative of what's taken place. But we are going to protect Christianity. And if you look what's going on throughout the world, you look at Syria where if you're Christian, they're chopping off heads. You look at the different places, and [[Christianity]], it's under siege. * I'm a [[Protestantism|protestant]]. I'm very proud of it, [[w:Presbyterian|Presbyterian]] to be exact, but I'm proud of it, very, very proud. And we've got to protect because bad things are happening, very bad things are happening, and we don't -- I don't know what it is. We don't band together, maybe. Other religions, frankly, they're banding together. * This is a movement. It is a movement going on. We want to take our country back. Our country is disappearing. You look at the kind of deals we make. You look at what's happening, our country is going in the wrong direction, and so wrong, and it's got to be stopped and it's got to be stopped fast. * When our sailors were captured last week, I said that's one of the saddest things that I have seen when those young people were on their hands and knees in a begging position with their hands up and thugs behind them with guns, and then we talk like it's OK. It's not OK. It's lack of respect. We can't let that happen to this country. It's lack of respect. * The [[Persian people|Persians]], very good negotiators. Great negotiators, legendary negotiators. They're known for it. They're sitting across the table. * I hate to tell this to the woman, they're behind the fact, they're a little behind the fact. They haven't figured out that women may be in certain ways much better than men. But I don't want to say that because I will get myself in trouble with men. But they haven't figured this out yet but that's OK. * We spent 5 trillion dollars in the Middle East and our country is going to hell. We gotta bring it back. We gotta knock the hell out of ISIS. * I want to see a woman president soon, but not [Hillary Clinton]. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. She's a disaster. I mean, just think of the corruption and the scandal... We don't want to go through it. We want to see winning. We want to see win, win, win – constant winning. And you'll say – if I'm president... 'Please, Mr. President, we're winning too much. We can't stand it anymore. Can't we have a loss?' And I'll say no, we're going to keep winning, winning, winning... because we're going to make America great again. And you'll say, 'Okay, Mr. President. Okay.' =====Speech at {{w|Dordt University}} (23 January 2016)===== *{{anchor|shoot somebody|reason=linked to from w:en:Template:FBDB}}The people, my people, are so smart, and you know what they say about my people? The polls. They say I have the most loyal people — did you ever see that? Where '''I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody, and I wouldn't lose any voters'''. It's like incredible. No, they say, "Trump we love you too." Trump's voters are by far, ya know, I'm at sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent, I'm at ninety percent, total, like, "Will you say absolutely?" I think it's sixty-eight and sixty-nine percent. "Will you most likely stay?" That gets into the nineties. Other guys like a ten. A guy like [[Jeb Bush]], he has a nobody, but he's like, they don't have people. They have nothing. Rubio, soft. They're all soft. My people stay, by the way, Cruz, soft. When they heard about this thing with that he was bordering Canada, nobody knew them? He lost a lot of people! He's gone down big in the polls. Ted Cruz has gone down big in the polls. That doesn't mean he's giving us a fight in Iowa, that doesn't mean you can stay home, okay, see, you with the smile? It doesn't mean that. You gotta go out cause we can't take any chances. ** [http://time.com/4191598/donald-trump-says-he-could-shoot-somebody-and-not-lose-voters/ Speech at campaign rally] (23 January 2016), Sioux Center, Iowa. ====February 2016==== * To have a crowd like this on our final day, can you believe it, this is the day. This is the day we take our country back. Remember that. This is the day we take our country back. So I got a little notice in case you see it. It's security guys. We have wonderful security guys. They said, "Mr. Trump, there may be somebody with tomatoes in the audience." So if you see somebody getting ready to throw a tomato, knock the crap out of them, would you? Seriously... Okay? Just knock the hell... I promise you I will pay for the legal fees, I promise. I promise. There won't be so much cause the courts agree with us too. What's going on in this country. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/video/politics/trump-knock-the-crap-out-of-tomato-throwers/2016/02/01/1d1fe1e2-c92b-11e5-b9ab-26591104bb19_video.html At a rally in Cedar Rapids, Iowa.] (1 February 2016) * This has been going if it's not going to happen anymore, folks. We're going to bring businesses back. We're going to have businesses that used to be in [[New Hampshire]], that are now in Mexico, come back to New Hampshire and you can tell them to go f--- themselves...because they let you down, and they left. We want the businesses that stay. I know a lot of businesses up here and I knew a lot of businesses up here. These are great people, they could've left and they wanna stay. They willing to stay, they're fighting to stay. It's hard. With a highest tax nation in the entire world. It's hard for them to stay and they stay. Those are the people we have to cherish and love. These are the people that are great. ** [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/may/18/priorities-usa-action/priorities-usa-donald-trump-women-ad/ At a rally in New Hampshire.] (4 February 2016) * '''Trump''': No, I didn't use the word. I never said the word, Bill. I don't know who told you -- I would never use the word. I didn't say the word. I said, "you can tell them to go [beat of silence] themselves."<br>'''O'Reilly''': But the lips kind of moved in the --<br>'''Trump''': Well, they might have. No, I didn't say the word. I wouldn't do that. Even I -- hey Bill, even I wouldn't do that, okay. No, I never said the word. ** On an interview on The O'Reilly Factor (6 February 2016) * [[Iraq|It]]'s the Harvard of Terrorists. ** [http://www.rawstory.com/2016/02/watch-as-charlie-rose-forces-trump-to-admit-he-agrees-with-obama-on-syria/ Interview with Charlie Rose] (17 February 2016) * Torture works, okay folks? [...] Believe me, it works. [...] Waterboarding is your minor form. Some people say it's not actually torture. Let's assume it is. But they asked me the question. What do you think of waterboarding? Absolutely fine. But we should go much stronger than waterboarding. That's the way I feel. ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-torture-works/ Donald Trump: "Torture works"]. CBS News (17 February 2016). Bluffton, South Carolina. * They were having [[terrorism]] problems, just like we do, and he caught 50 terrorists who did tremendous damage and killed many people. And he took the 50 terrorists, and he took 50 men and he dipped 50 bullets in pigs' blood — you heard that, right? He took 50 bullets, and he dipped them in pigs' blood. And he had his men load his rifles, and he lined up the 50 people, and they shot 49 of those people. And the 50th person, he said: You go back to your people, and you tell them what happened. And for 25 years, there wasn't a problem. Okay? Twenty-five years, there wasn't a problem. ** During a campaign stop in {{w|Pawley's Island, South Carolina}} (February 19, 2016) [http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/450574/donald-trump-tweet-fake-history-libel-war-crime]. Referring to a false story about [[John J. Pershing]] which has circulated on the Internet. * Bye bye. Look, see? He's smiling. See, he's having a good time. Oh, I love the old days, you know? You know what I hate? There's a guy, totally disruptive, throwing punches, we're not allowed to punch back anymore. I love the old days. You know what they used to do to guys like that when they were in a place like this? They'd be carried out on a stretcher, folks. You know, I love our police, and I really respect our police, and they're not getting enough. They're not. Honestly, I hate to see that. Here's a guy, throwing punches, nasty as hell, screaming at everything else when we're talking, and he's walking out, and we're not allowed -- you know, the guards are very gentle with him, he's walking out, like, big high fives, smiling, laughing -- I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you. ** [http://www.weeklystandard.com/protester-would-be-carried-out-on-a-stretcher-in-the-old-days-trump-reminisces/article/2001211 At a rally in Las Vegas] (22 February 2016) * We won with young. We won with old. We won with highly educated. We won with poorly educated. '''I love the poorly educated.''' ** [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/donald-trump-declares-i-love-the-poorly-educated-as-he-storms-to-victory-in-nevada-caucus-a6893106.html Donald Trump declares 'I love the poorly educated' as he storms to victory in Nevada caucus], 24 February 2016 * '''Ted Cruz''': Donald, relax.<br>'''Donald Trump''': I'm relaxed. You're the basket case. Go ahead, don't get nervous. ** [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/sns-wp-blm-carlson-6454d89c-dc90-11e5-8210-f0bd8de915f6-20160226-story.html CNN-Telemundo Republican debate] (25 February 2016) * If and when the Vatican is attacked by Isis, which as everyone knows is Isis’s ultimate trophy, the pope can have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been president because this would not have happened. Isis would have been eradicated unlike what is happening now with our all talk, no action politicians. **As quoted in Ben Jacobs, ''[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/feb/18/donald-trump-pope-francis-christian-wall-mexico-border Donald Trump calls Pope Francis 'disgraceful' for questioning his faith]'', ''The Guardian'' (February 18, 2016) ====March 2016==== * '''Donald Trump''': I think you've become very negative.<br>'''Bill O'Reilly''': Why would I do that?<br>'''Trump''': Who knows. You'll have to ask your psychiatrist. ** [http://www.politico.com/blogs/2016-gop-primary-live-updates-and-results/2016/03/donald-trump-bill-oreilly-gop-debate-220241 "Trump to O'Reilly: 'I think you've become very negative'"] by Nick Gass, ''Politico'' (3 March 2016) * '''Bret Baier''': So what would you do as commander in chief if the U.S. military refused to carry out those orders?<br>'''Donald Trump''': They won't refuse. They're not going to refuse me, believe me.<br>'''Baier''': But they're illegal.<br>'''Trump''': Let me just tell you, you look at the Middle East, they're chopping off heads. And now we're talking about waterboarding. We should go for waterboarding, and we should go tougher than waterboarding….<br>And I'm a leader. I'm a leader. I've always been a leader. I've never had any problem leading people. If I say do it, they're going to do it. That's what leadership is all about. ** Fox News Republican debate, {{#formatdate:2016-03-03}}, quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2016/03/04/469149226/trump-attacked-from-all-sides-in-bitter-chaotic-gop-debate Trump Attacked From All Sides In Bitter, Chaotic Debate] ''NPR'' (March 4, 2016) * Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — if they're small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there's no problem, I guarantee. ** Fox News Republican debate, {{#formatdate:2016-03-03}}, quoted in {{citation|date=2016-03-04|author=Gregory Krieg|title=Donald Trump defends size of his penis|periodical=CNN|url=https://www.cnn.com/2016/03/03/politics/donald-trump-small-hands-marco-rubio/index.html}} * '''Anderson Cooper''': Is Islam at war with the West?<br>'''Donald Trump''': I think Islam hates us. There is something there, there is a tremendous hatred there, and we have to get to the bottom of it. There is an unbelievable hatred of us.<br>'''Cooper''': In Islam itself?<br>'''Trump''': You're going to have to figure that out, but there is a tremendous hatred and we have to be very vigilant, we have to be very careful and we can't allow people coming into this country who have this hatred of the United States and of people that are not Muslim.<br>'''Cooper''': The question is is there a war between the West and radical Islam or is it between the West and Islam itself?<br>'''Trump''': Well it's radical but it's very hard to define, it's very hard to separate because you don't know who's who. ** 9 March CNN interview, as quoted in [http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/us-election-2016-donald-trump-tells-cnn-tv-interviewer-islam-hates-us-1548760 "US Election 2016: Donald Trump tells CNN TV interviewer 'Islam hates us'"] by Harriet Sinclair, ''International Business Times'' (10 March 2016) * Come on, get 'em out, police, please. Let's go! ... Nobody wants to hurt each other anymore. ** During a St Louis, Mo., rally, as quoted in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/get-him-out-racial-tensions-explode-at-donald-trumps-rallies/2016/03/11/b9764884-e6ee-11e5-bc08-3e03a5b41910_story.html "‘Get 'em out!' Racial tensions explode at Donald Trump's rallies"], by Jose A. DelReal, ''The Washington Post'' (12 March 2016), Washington, D.C. * I promise you, I will not be taking very long vacations, if I take them at all. There's no time for vacations. We're not going to be big on vacations. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] March 14, 2016 rally *Iran has already, since the deal is in place, test-fired ballistic missiles three times. Those ballistic missiles, with a range of 1,250 miles, were designed to intimidate not only Israel, which is only 600 miles away, but also intended to frighten Europe and someday maybe hit even the United States. And we're not going to let that happen. We're not letting it happen. And we're not letting it happen to Israel, believe me.<br>Thank you. Thank you.<br>Do you want to hear something really shocking? As many of the great people in this room know, painted on those missiles in both Hebrew and Farsi were the words "'''Israel must be wiped off the face of the earth'''." You can forget that.<br>What kind of demented minds write that in Hebrew? **[http://time.com/4267058/donald-trump-aipac-speech-transcript/ 21 March 2016] address to AIPAC (America-Israel Public Affairs Committee) * '''Obama''': But you would rule in the possibility to fight against ISIS.<br>'''Trump''': Well, I'm never gonna rule anything out. And I wouldn't wanna say. Even if I felt -- it wasn't going -- I wouldn't wanna tell you that because, at a minimum, I want them to think maybe that we would use it. ** As part of a conversation with Barack Obama about ruling out the use of nuclear weapons (March 23, 2016) reported [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-open-to-nuclear-retaliation-after-brussels-attack/ 24 March 2016 by CBS] * If Saudi Arabia was without the cloak of American protection, I don't think it would be around. ** Interview on foreign policy given on 25 March 2016, published: [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/27/us/politics/donald-trump-foreign-policy.html ''In Donald Trump's Worldview, America Comes First, and Everybody Else Pays''], ''The New York Times'' (26 March 2016) * Talking about success, most people think success is measured in the form of monetary success. It's not really. I mean to be a successful person is to have a great family, is who loves the family, loves the children and the children love him or her. To me that's a much more successful person than a person that has made a billion dollars or ten billion dollars, and is miserable and doesn't have a good family and nobody likes that person. I think I've seen every type of person there is that God created. **<small>''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1xuAO0zKRAk Donald Trump talks about Success and Happiness - Motivational speech held in Wisconsin on March 30, 2016]'', Mike Mohamed on YouTube. (2:37 to 3:05)</small> ====April 2016==== * I can be presidential, but if I was presidential I would only have - about 20% of you would be here because it would be boring as hell. ** At a rally in Superior, Wisconsin (4 April 2016) *''REPORTER: Mr Trump, please be specific and tell us your views on LGBT, how you plan to be inclusive as president. Speak about North Carolina bathroom law in particular.'' <Br>Trump: ''[...]'' One of the best answers I heard was from a commentator yesterday saying "leave it the way it is right now." There have been no-- very few problems. Leave it the way it is. North Carolina, what they're going through, with all of the business that's leaving and all of the strife and... and that's on both sides. You leave it the way it is. There have been very few complaints the way it is. People go, they use the bathroom that they feel is appropriate. There has been so little trouble and the problem with what happened in North Carolina is the strife and the economic- I mean economic punishment that they're taking. *''REPORTER: If [[w:Caitlyn Jenner|Caitlyn Jenner]] were to walk into [[w:Trump Tower|Trump Tower]], and want to use the bathroom, you would be fine with her using any bathroom she chooses?'' <Br>Trump: That is correct. *''On policies on bathroom use for transgender individuals:'' <Br>You know, there's a big move to create new bathrooms. Problem with that, is — for transgender — that would be a, first of all I think that would be discriminatory in a certain way. It would be unbelievably expensive for businesses and for the country. Leave it the way it is. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dO6MLHLIfdc Donald Trump Town Hall: Abortion Exceptions, Immigration, Raising Taxes (Full) | TODAY] April 21, 2016 * I love working. I'm not a vacation guy. Right? Like Obama, he plays golf in Hawaii. He flies in a 747. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 21, 2016 rally * If you love what you do, you're happy. You don't take vacations. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] April 22, 2016 rally =====Foreign Policy Speech (27 April 2016)===== [[File:Maga.png|thumb|No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first.]] : <small>[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/28/us/politics/transcript-trump-foreign-policy.html Transcript: Donald Trump's Foreign Policy Speech], ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (27 April 2016)</small> * It's time to shake the rust off [[Foreign policy of the United States|America's foreign policy]]. * My foreign policy will always put the interests of the American people and American security above all else... That will be the foundation of every single decision that I will make. [[America First (policy)|America First]] will be the major and overriding theme of my administration. * Our foreign policy is a complete and total disaster. No vision. No purpose. No direction. No strategy. * [[Barack Obama|President Obama]] has weakened [[United States Armed Forces|our military]] by weakening our economy. He's crippled us with wasteful spending, massive [[National debt|debt]], low growth, a huge trade deficit and open borders. * Our allies are not paying their fair share... The countries we are defending must pay for the cost of this defense, and if not, the U.S. must be prepared to let these countries defend themselves. We have no choice. * Israel, our great friend and the one true democracy in the Middle East has been snubbed and criticized by an administration that lacks moral clarity... President Obama has not been a friend to Israel. He has treated Iran with tender love and care and made it a great power. * We've let our rivals and challengers think they can get away with anything, and they do... If President Obama's goal had been to weaken America, he could not have done a better job. * We've made the Middle East more unstable and chaotic than ever before. We left Christians subject to intense persecution and even [[genocide]]. We have done nothing to help the Christians, nothing, and we should always be ashamed for that lack of action. * Hillary Clinton refuses to say the words radical Islam, even as she pushes for a massive increase in refugees coming into our country. After Secretary Clinton's failed intervention in Libya, [[wikipedia:2012 Benghazi attack|Islamic terrorists in Benghazi]] took down our consulate and killed our ambassador and three brave Americans. Then, instead of taking charge that night, Hillary Clinton decided to go home and sleep. Incredible. Clinton blames it all on a video, an excuse that was a total lie, proven to be absolutely a total lie. Our ambassador was murdered and our secretary of state misled the nation. * We're also going to have to change our trade, immigration and economic policies to make our economy strong again. And to put Americans first again. This will ensure that our own workers, right here in America, get the jobs and higher pay that will grow our tax revenues, increase our economic might as a nation. * I believe an easing of tensions, and improved relations with Russia from a position of strength only is possible. * Americans must know that we're putting the American people first again on trade, on immigration, on foreign policy. The jobs, incomes and security of the [[Working class in the United States|American worker]] will always be my first priority. No country has ever prospered that failed to put its own interests first. Both our friends and our enemies put their countries above ours and we, while being fair to them, must start doing the same. We will no longer surrender this country or its people to the false song of [[globalism]]. The nation-state remains the true foundation for happiness and harmony. I am skeptical of international unions that tie us up and bring America down, and will never enter America into any agreement that reduces our ability to control our own affairs. ====May 2016==== * We have a 500 billion dollar deficit, trade deficit with China. We're going to turn it around and we have the cards, don't forget, we're like the piggy bank that's being robbed. We have the cards, we have a lot of power with China. When China doesn't want to fix the problem in North Korea we say "Sorry folks, you've got to fix the problem." '''Because we can't continue to allow China to rape [[United States|our country]], and that's what they're doing. It's the greatest theft in the history of the world.''' **[https://www.bbc.com/news/av/world-us-canada-36185275/china-accused-of-trade-rape-by-donald-trump "China accused of trade 'rape' by Donald Trump"] ''BBC'' (2 May 2016) * You've been hearing me say it's a rigged system, but now I don't say it anymore because I won. It's true. Now I don't care. ** [http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trump-gop-rigged-but-i-dont-care-because-i-won/article/2590545 "Trump: GOP 'rigged,' but I don't care because I won"] by Ryan Lovelace, ''Washington Examiner'' (5 May 2016) ====June 2016==== * It's going to be like this. I'm not changing. ** Answer to the question whether the American public could expect a similar dynamic if he would win the presidential elections, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-01 |title=Donald Trump: Questions on money for war veterans |author=Alan Fisher |periodical=Al Jazeera |url=http://www.aljazeera.com/blogs/americas/2016/05/donald-trump-fumes-veterans-money-questions-160531203455389.html}} * '''He's a [[Mexicans|Mexican]]'''. We're building a wall between here and Mexico. ** About American judge Gonzalo Curiel (3 June 2016), as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-04 |title=Trump Presses Case That 'Mexican' Judge Curiel Is Biased Against Him |author=Nina Totenberg |periodical=National Public Radio |url=http://www.npr.org/2016/06/04/480714972/trump-presses-case-that-mexican-judge-curiel-is-biased-against-him}} * I'm truly honored by your support. Together, we accomplished what nobody thought was absolutely possible and you know what that is and we're only getting started and it's going to be beautiful, remember that. Tonight we close one chapter in history and we begin another. Our campaign received more primary votes than any GOP campaign in history, no matter who it is, no matter who they are, we received more votes. This is a great feeling. That's a great feeling. This is not a testament to me but a testament to all of the people who believed real change, not Obama change, but real change is possible. You've given me the honor to lead the Republican Party to victory this fall. ** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript] * To those who voted for someone else in either party, I will work hard to earn your support and I will work very hard to earn that support. To all of those [[Bernie Sanders]] voters who have been left out in the cold by a rigged system of super delegates, we welcome you with open arms. And by the way, the terrible trade deals that Bernie was so vehemently against and he's right on that will be taken care of far better than anyone ever thought possible and that's what I do. We are going to have fantastic trade deals. We're going to start making money and bringing in jobs. ** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript] * My goal is always again to bring people together. But if I'm forced to fight for something I really care about, I will never, ever back down and our country will never, ever back down. Thank you. I've fought for my family. I've fought for my business. I've fought for my employees. And now, I'm going to fight for you, the American people like nobody has ever fought before. ** Victory speech after winning New Jersey and other states Tuesday night (7 June 2016) – [http://time.com/4360872/donald-trump-new-jersey-victory-speech-transcript/ ''Time'' transcript] * We're led by [[Barack Obama|a man]] that either is not tough, not smart, or he's got something else in mind. And the something else in mind, you know, people can't believe it, people cannot believe that President Obama is acting the way he acts and can't even mention the words 'radical Islamic terrorism. There's something going on — it's inconceivable. There's something going on. He doesn't get it, or he gets it better than anybody understands. It's one or the other, and either one is unacceptable. ** Phone interview on ''Fox and Friends'', as quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-13 |title=Trump on Obama and Islam: 'There's something going on' |author=Jesse Byrnes |periodical=The Hill |url=http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/283246-trump-on-obama-and-islam-theres-something-going-on}} * Belgium is a beautiful city. * Belgium is not the Belgium that you and I knew, Matt, from 20 years ago, which was one of the most beautiful cities and one of the safest cities in the world. Belgium is a horror show right now. ** [https://www.thebulletin.be/belgium-beautiful-city-according-donald-trump "Belgium is a “beautiful city”, according to Donald Trump"], ''The Bulletin'' (June 16, 2016) * Look, companies now are leaving the United States. Corporate inversion, they're leaving the United States, we have almost $5 trillion sitting out there, where they can't get the money back, they can't bring it in because there's no mechanism to bring it back in and the tax is so high. I'm going to bring tremendous amounts of money, tremendous amounts of jobs, tremendous numbers of companies, and yes the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Donald Trump#Taxes,_spending,_and_budget|tax is going to be cut]] from the highest tax nation anywhere in the world to a fairly low tax. Not the lowest in the world, but to a fairly low tax. * <p>'''Norah O'Donnell:''' Hillary Clinton called you the king of debt.</p><p>'''Donald Trump:''' Well, no she didn't call me, I called myself the king of debt. '''I'm the king of debt.''' I'm great with debt, nobody knows debt better than me. I made a fortune by using debt. And if things don't work out I renegotiate the debt, I mean that's a smart thing not a stupid thing. And I made a fortune.</p><p>'''O'Donnell:''' How do you renegotiate the debt?</p><p>'''Trump:''' Because you go back and you say, hey, guess what, the economy just crashed, I'm going to give you back half. I like debt for me, I don't like debt for the country. I like debt for my company, but I don't like debt for the country. For the country we have $19 trillion in debt, it's going to be very soon $21 trillion, not billion, $21 trillion in debt. And I will tell you we are sitting on a time bomb and Hillary Clinton doesn't have a clue. And President Obama has pretty much doubled the debt since he's been in office and somebody's going to pay a big price. We have to start chopping that debt down.</p><p>'''O'Donnell:''' [[Janet Yellen]], who you know, the chairman of the [[Federal Reserve System|Federal Reserve]] blasted you for saying that the U.S. could load up on debt and then make a deal with creditors if the [[Economy of the United States|economy]] has soured. She said there would be very severe consequences if an elected president tried to renegotiate the nation's debt.</p><p>'''Trump:''' I wouldn't renegotiate the debt.</p> ** In an interview with ''{{w|CBS This Morning'}}'' {{w|Norah O'Donnell}}, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=CBS' Norah O'Donnell Challenges Trump On His Economic Plan |periodical=Media Matters for America |url=https://www.mediamatters.org/donald-trump/cbs-norah-odonnell-challenges-trump-his-economic-plan}} * Our enemies probably know every single one [of Clinton's deleted emails]. So they probably now have a blackmail file. . . . We can't hand over our government to someone whose deepest, darkest secrets may be in the hands of our enemies. Can't do it." ** speech, {{#formatdate:2016-06-22}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-06-22 |title=Nobody brings the crazy quite like Trump |author=Dana Milbank |periodical=Washington Post |url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/nobody-brings-the-crazy-quite-like-trump/2016/06/22/74ba5692-38bd-11e6-9ccd-d6005beac8b3_story.html}} ====July 2016==== * [[Saddam Hussein]] was a bad guy. Right? He was a bad guy, really bad guy. But you know what he did well? He killed terrorists. He did that so good. They didn't read them the rights—they didn't talk, they were a terrorist, it was over. [...] Today, Iraq is Harvard for terrorism. You want to be a terrorist, you go to Iraq. It's like Harvard. Okay? So sad. ** At a campaign rally in Raleigh, North Carolina (July 5, 2016), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-politics/wp/2016/07/05/donald-trump-praises-saddam-hussein-for-killing-terrorists-so-good/ "Donald Trump praises Saddam Hussein for killing terrorists ‘so good’"] ''The Washington Post'' (July 5, 2016). ** [[w:Jake Sullivan|Jake Sullivan]], then a policy advisor to Hillary Clinton, stated: "Hussein's regime was a sponsor of terrorism — one that paid families of suicide bombers who attacked Israelis, among other crimes." * I'll stand up for Article Two, Article 12, you name it of the Constitution. ** About the U.S. Constitution, which only has seven articles and 27 amendments; as recounted by [[Mark Sanford]], quoted in [http://talkingpointsmemo.com/dc/trump-changes-few-minds-with-meeting-on-the-hill "Trump Manages To Give Some House GOPers More Heartburn In Hill Meeting"] (2016), ''Talking Points Memo'' (July 7, 2016). * ''[Interviewer: You're not known to be a humble man. But I wonder—]'' I think I am actually humble. I think I'm much more humble than you would understand. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R42mFx3_ss During an interview] by {{WP|Lesley Stahl}} on ''{{WP|60 Minutes}}'' (17 July 2016) * Russia, if you're listening, I hope you're able to find the 30,000 emails that are missing. I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press. ** Press conference, reported in Ashley Parker and David E. Sanger, "[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/28/us/politics/donald-trump-russia-clinton-emails.html? Donald Trump Calls on Russia to Find Hillary Clinton's Missing Emails], ''The New York Times'' (July 27, 2016). * Though [[Bernie Sanders|Bernie]] is exhausted and has given up on his [[revolution]], many of his voters still want to keep up the fight. I expect that millions of Bernie voters will refuse to vote for Hillary because of her support for the War in Iraq, the [[2011 Libyan civil war|invasion of Libya]], [[wikipedia:North American Free Trade Agreement|NAFTA]] and [[w:Trans-Pacific Partnership|TPP]], and of course because she is totally bought and sold by [[Special-interest group|special interests]]. She and [[Bill Clinton|her husband]] have been paid millions and millions by [[Multinational corporation|global corporations]] and powerful interests who will control her every decision. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. We welcome with open arms all voters who want an honest [[Federal government of the United States|government]] and to fix [[Politics of the United States|our rigged system]] so it works for the people. This includes fixing one of Bernie's biggest issues, our terrible trade deals that strip our country of its jobs and wealth. ** ''[http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/donald-trump-reddit-ama-ask-me-anything/493361/ How Donald Trump Beat Reddit]'', ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' (July 28, 2016) * The things that were said about me. … You know what, I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard. ... I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard, his head would spin. He wouldn't know what the hell happened. ** Press conference, reported in Jacob Bogage, "[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/07/29/i-wanted-to-hit-a-couple-of-those-speakers-so-hard-trump-says-of-dem-convention-critics/ ‘I wanted to hit a couple of those speakers so hard', Trump says of Democratic convention]", ''The Washington Post'' (July 29, 2016). * A guy who didn't have the guts to run for president. Little Michael. He doesn't know anything about me. But he never had the guts to run. He probably wished he did but he didn't. He spent millions of dollars on polling but he was missing one thing: guts. Little Michael. ** On [[Michael Bloomberg]]'s speech about Trump. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Obama gave a good speech but not nearly as good as the press would have you believe. Whether it's good or bad, the press will say it's fantastic. In many ways, I like Obama. It's hard to define. There's something about him I do like. I'm embarrassed to admit it. I give him a lot of credit. It's very unique and very hard to do and I give him tremendous credit. He became a two-term president of the United States. He's got some quality going. ** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Emails in general are terrible. There's no security. It happens so often. I'm old-fashioned. I put a letter in an envelope and have it hand delivered. My son is 10 years old, and he has grown up [[Computers|computer]] literate. They start using computers before they can walk. His computer was locked and he unlocked it. And I said, ‘[[w:Barron Trump|Barron]], how did you do that?' And he said, ‘I won't tell you, Dad. ** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Putin said I was a genius. I do say this: Wouldn't it be wonderful if we actually could get along with Russia and China and some other countries that we don't get along with, and then we go out and knock the hell out of ISIS? Wouldn't it be nice if we cleaned that mess up? Wouldn't it be smart? ** At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * I think he's a pervert. It's dangerous to allow him on the convention floor. ** About [[Anthony Weiner]] on the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}}. At an interview with ''[[wikipedia:The New York Times|The New York Times'<nowiki/>]]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * Captain [[wikipedia:Humayun Khan (soldier)|Humayun Khan]] was a hero to our country and we should honor all who have made the ultimate sacrifice to keep our country safe. The real problem here are the radical Islamic terrorists who killed him, and the efforts of these radicals to enter our country to do us further harm. Given the state of the world today, we have to know everything about those looking to enter our country, and given the state of chaos in some of these countries, that is impossible. While I feel deeply for the loss of his son, Mr. Khan who has never met me, has no right to stand in front of millions of people and claim I have never read the Constitution, (which is false) and say many other inaccurate things. If I become President, I will make America safe again. * Hillary Clinton should be held accountable for her central role in destabilizing the Middle East. She voted to send the United States to war against Iraq, helped lead the disastrous withdrawal of American troops years later that created the vacuum allowing the rise of ISIS, and has never met a [[wikipedia:United States involvement in regime change|regime change]] she didn't like (which have all been disasters) – not to mention her invasion of Libya and her abandonment of American personnel in Benghazi. The loss of these lives in Libya is directly traceable to Clinton, but their families' testimonials were rejected by the media. * Clinton's actions have been reckless and have directly led to the loss of American lives. And her extreme immigration policies, as also laid out by American victims in Cleveland, will cause the preventable deaths of countless more -- while putting all residents, from all places, at greater risk of terrorism. As Bernie Sanders said on numerous occasions, Hillary Clinton suffers from "bad judgement." She is not qualified to serve as Commander in Chief. ** Written statement responding to [[Khizr M. Khan]] [http://web.archive.org/web/20160731082150/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/press-releases/setting-the-record-straight] (July 30, 2016) ====={{w|2016 Republican National Convention}} (21 July 2016)===== [[File:Donald Trump 2016 RNC speech (1).jpg|thumb|I have joined the [[political]] arena so that the [[powerful]] can no longer beat up on [[people]] that cannot defend themselves. <br /> Nobody knows the [[system]] better than me, which is why I alone can fix it.]] : <small>[https://www.vox.com/2016/7/21/12253426/donald-trump-acceptance-speech-transcript-republican-nomination-transcript "Full transcript of Donald Trump’s acceptance speech at the RNC", ''Vox'' (22 July 2016)] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fs0pZ_GrTy8 "Donald Trump's entire Republican convention speech", ''CNN'' (21 July 2016)] · [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/07/full-transcript-donald-trump-nomination-acceptance-speech-at-rnc-225974 Donald Trump 2016 RNC draft speech transcript], ''{{w|Politico}}'' (21 July 2016)</small> * The attacks on our [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]], and the terrorism in our cities, threaten our very way of life. Any politician who does not grasp this danger is not fit to lead our country. * Americans watching this address tonight have seen the recent images of violence in our streets and the chaos in our communities. Many have witnessed this violence personally. Some have even been its victims. <br /> I have a message for all of you: The crime and violence that today afflicts our nation will soon — and I mean very soon come to an end. Beginning on January 20th 2017, safety will be restored. <br /> The most basic duty of government is to defend the lives of its citizens. Any government that fails to do so is a government unworthy to lead. * It is finally time for a straightforward assessment of the state of our nation. I will present the facts plainly and honestly. We cannot afford to be so politically correct anymore. <br /> So if you want to hear the corporate spin, the carefully-crafted lies, and the media myths — the Democrats are holding their convention next week. Go there. <br /> But here, at our convention, there will be no lies. We will honor the American people with the truth, and nothing else. * Decades of progress made in bringing down crime are now being reversed by this Administration's rollback of criminal enforcement. * America is far less safe – and the world is far less stable – than when Obama made the decision to put Hillary Clinton in charge of America's foreign policy. I am certain it is a decision he truly regrets. Her bad instincts and her bad judgment – something pointed out by Bernie Sanders – are what caused the disasters unfolding today. * This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction and weakness. * The problems we face now – [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]] and violence at home, war and destruction abroad – will last only as long as we continue relying on the same politicians who created them. A change in leadership is required to change these outcomes. * There can be no prosperity without [[wikipedia:Law and order (politics)|law and order]] * Our plan will put America First. [[wikipedia:Americanism (ideology)|Americanism]], not globalism, will be our credo. As long as we are led by politicians who will not put America First, then we can be assured that other nations will not treat America with respect. * Big business, elite media and major donors are lining up behind the campaign of my opponent because they know she will keep our rigged system in place. They are throwing money at her because they have total control over everything she does. She is their puppet, and they pull the strings. That is why Hillary Clinton's message is that things will never change. My message is that things have to change – and they have to change right now. * Every day I wake up determined to deliver for the people I have met all across this nation that have been neglected, ignored, and abandoned. I have visited the laid-off factory workers, and the communities crushed by our horrible and unfair trade deals. These are the forgotten men and women of our country, and they are forgotten, but they're not going to be forgotten long. These are people who work hard but no longer have a voice. I AM YOUR VOICE. * I have no patience for injustice, no tolerance for government incompetence, no sympathy for leaders who fail their citizens. * When innocent people suffer, because our political system lacks the will, or the courage, or the basic decency to enforce our [[Law|laws]] – or worse still, has sold out to some corporate lobbyist for cash – I am not able to look the other way. * When a [[United States Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] illegally stores her emails on a private server, deletes 33,000 of them so the authorities can't see her crime, puts our country at risk, lies about it in every different form and faces no consequence – I know that corruption has reached a level like never before. * I have joined the political arena so that the powerful can no longer beat up on people that cannot defend themselves. '''Nobody knows the system better than me, which is why I alone can fix it'''. <br /> I have seen firsthand how the system is rigged against our citizens, just like it was rigged against Bernie Sanders – he never had a chance. * [[Mike Pence|He]] (Mike Pence) is a man of character and accomplishment. He is the right man for the job. * An attack on law enforcement is an attack on all Americans. I have a message to every last person threatening the peace on our streets and the safety of our police: when I take the oath of office next year, I will restore law and order our country. * In this race for the White House, I am the Law And Order candidate. ... I will work to ensure that all of our kids are treated equally, and protected equally. ** "I am the law-and-order candidate" was a phrase used by [[Richard Nixon]] during his [[w:Richard Nixon 1968 presidential campaign|1968 presidential campaign]]. * Once again, [[France]] is the [[wikipedia:2016 Nice attack|victim of brutal Islamic terrorism]]. Men, women and children viciously mowed down. Lives ruined. Families ripped apart. A nation in mourning. * I will do everything in my power to protect our [[LGBT]] citizens from the violence and oppression of a hateful foreign ideology. * We must work with all of our allies who share our goal of destroying ISIS and stamping out Islamic terror. This includes working with our greatest ally in the region, the State of Israel. * We must immediately suspend immigration from any nation that has been compromised by terrorism until such time as proven vetting mechanisms have been put in place. * I only want to admit individuals into our country who will support our values and love our people. Anyone who endorses violence, hatred or oppression is not welcome in our country and never will be. * Decades of record immigration have produced lower wages and higher unemployment for our citizens, especially for African-American and Latino workers. We are going to have an immigration system that works, but one that works for the American people. * Of all my travels in this country, nothing has affected me more deeply than the time I have spent with the mothers and fathers who have lost their children to violence spilling across our border. * We are going to build a great border wall to stop illegal immigration, to stop the gangs and the violence, and to stop the drugs from pouring into our communities. * We are going to be considerate and compassionate to everyone. But my greatest compassion will be for our own struggling citizens. * I pledge to never sign any trade agreement that hurts our workers, or that diminishes our freedom and independence. Instead, I will make individual deals with individual countries. * No longer will we enter into these massive deals, with many countries, that are thousands of pages long – and which no one from our country even reads or understands. We are going to enforce all trade violations, including through the use of taxes and tariffs, against any country that cheats. * My Dad, {{w|Fred Trump}}, was the smartest and hardest working man I ever knew. * America is a nation of believers, dreamers, and strivers that is being led by a group of censors, critics, and cynics. * All of the people telling you that you can't have the country you want, are the same people telling you that I wouldn't be standing here tonight. No longer can we rely on those elites in media, and politics, who will say anything to keep a rigged system in place. * My opponent asks her supporters to recite a three word loyalty pledge. It reads, "I'm with her." I choose to recite a different pledge. My pledge reads, "I'm with you – the American people." I am your voice. So to every parent who dreams for their child, and every child who dreams for a better future, I say these words to you tonight: I'm with you, and I will fight for you, and I will win for you. To all Americans tonight, in all of our cities and towns, I make this promise: We will make America proud again, we will make America strong again, we will make America safe again, and we will Make America Great Again! God bless you and good night! I love you! ====August 2016==== [[File:Classified documents at Mar-a-Lago bathroom.jpg|thumb|In my administration, I'm going to enforce all [[laws]] concerning the [[protection]] of classified information. No one will be above the law.]] * He’s not going into Ukraine, OK, just so you understand. He’s not going to go into Ukraine, all right? You can mark it down. You can put it down. You can take it anywhere you want. ** Claimed about the Russian president Vladimir Putin after Putin had invaded Crimea, Ukraine and while fighting a war in Donbass, Ukraine, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2016/07/31/politics/donald-trump-russia-ukraine-crimea-putin/index.html "Trump says Putin is ‘not going to go into Ukraine,’ despite Crimea"], ''CNN'' (August 1, 2016) * Don't worry about that baby. I love babies. I hear that baby crying, I like it. What a baby. What a beautiful baby. Don't worry, don't worry. The mom's running around like—don't worry about it, you know. It's young and beautiful and healthy and that's what we want. [...] Actually, I was only kidding, you can get the baby out of here. That's all right. Don't worry. I, I think she really believed me that I love having a baby crying while I'm speaking. That's OK. People don't understand. That's OK. ** [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/trump-kicks-out-baby-rally-226566 At a rally in Ashburn, Virginia.] (August 2, 2016) * He's a terrible president, he'll probably go down as the worst president in the history of our country, he's been a total disaster. ** On Barack Obama during an interview with [[wikipedia:WJLA-TV|WJLA]]. {{citation |date=2016-08-02 |author=Eric Bradner |title=Trump responds to Obama: 'He's a terrible president' |periodical=CNN |url=http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/02/politics/donald-trump-obama-election-2016/}} * [[Hillary Clinton|Hillary]] wants to abolish, essentially abolish, the [[Second Amendment to the United States Constitution|second amendment]]. '''If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the second amendment people, maybe there is''', I don't know. But I'll tell you what, that will be a horrible day. ** Rally in [[w:Wilmington, North Carolina|Wilmington, North Carolina]] on August 9, 2016 ({{cite news |title=Donald Trump Suggests ‘Second Amendment People' Could Act Against Hillary Clinton |newspaper=[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]] |first1=Nick |last1=Corasaniti |authorlink2=w:Maggie Haberman |first2=Maggie |last2=Haberman |date=August 9, 2016 |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/10/us/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton.html}}; {{cite news |title=Donald Trump hints at assassination of Hillary Clinton by gun rights supporters |first=David |last=Smith |date=August 10, 2016 |accessdate=November 15, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The Guardian|The Guardian]] |url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/09/trump-gun-owners-clinton-judges-second-amendment}}). * In my administration, I'm going to enforce all laws concerning the protection of classified information. No one will be above the law. ** Statement in a [https://www.c-span.org/video/?414134-1/donald-trump-campaign-rally-charlotte-north-carolina campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina (18 August 2016)], as quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-classified-above-law/ "Yes, Trump Said 'No One Will Be Above the Law' Regarding Protection of Classified Information" (9 June 2023)] * [[ISIS]] is honoring President Obama. He is the founder of ISIS. He founded ISIS. And I would say the co-founder would be crooked [[Hillary Clinton]]. ** During a Florida rally at the BB&T Center in Sunrise, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-president-barack-obama-founder-isis/story?id=41286869 "Donald Trump: President Barack Obama 'Is the Founder of ISIS'"] by David Caplan, ''ABC News'' (August 10, 2016) * I will always tell you the truth. ** [https://www.dailykos.com/stories/2016/8/19/1561877/-Trump-I-will-always-tell-you-the-truth-up-to-30-percent-of-the-time "Trump: “I will always tell you the truth” up to 30 percent of the time"], ''Daily Kos'' (August 19, 2024) * No group in America has been more harmed by Hillary Clinton's policies than African-Americans. If Hillary Clinton's goal was to inflict pain on the African-American community, she could not have done a better job. It's a disgrace. Tonight, I'm asking for the vote of every single African-American citizen in this country who wants to see a better future. The inner cities of our country have been run by the Democratic party for more than fifty years. Their policies have reduced only [[Poverty in the United States|poverty]], joblessness, failing schools and broken homes. It's time to hold Democratic politicians accountable for what they have done to these communities. At what point do we say, "enough?" It's time to hold failed leaders accountable for their results not just their empty words over and over again. Look at what the Democratic party has done to the city as an example and there are many others of Detroit: forty percent of Detroit's residents live in poverty. Half of all Detroit residents do not work and cannot work and can't get a job. Detroit tops the list of most dangerous cities in terms of violent crime. This is the legacy of the Democratic politicians who have run this city. This is the result of the policy agenda embraced by Hillary Clinton: thirty-three thousand emails gone. The only way to change results is to change leadership. We can never fix our problems by relying on the same politicians who created our problems in the first place. A new future requires brand new leadership. Look how much African-American communities suffered under Democratic control. To those I say the following: What do you have to lose by trying something new like Trump. What do you have to lose? I say it again, what do you have to lose. Look, what do you have to lose? You're living your poverty, your schools are no good, you have no jobs. Fifty-eight percent of your youth is unemployed? What the hell do you have to lose? And at the end of four years, I guarantee you, that I will get over ninety-five percent of the African-American vote. I promise you. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K5B5m1S5VTA Speech to the African-American community in Dimondale, Michigan] (August 19, 2016) * I'm going to be working for you. I'm not going to have time to go play golf. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/politics/wp/2017/02/13/trump-used-to-have-a-slightly-different-opinion-of-presidents-playing-golf/?utm_term=.d2f026a42e9c Trump used to have a slightly different opinion of presidents playing golf] by Phillip Bump, Washington Post, August 8 Virginia rally (August 20, 2016) * Immigration security, we need to protect American jobs. We need to protect American safety. We're going to build a wall folks, don't worry, we're going to build a wall. That wall will go up so fast, your heads will spin. And you'll say, "you know, know he meant it!" And you know what else I mean? Mexico is going to pay for the wall. ** On immigration at a rally in Akron, Ohio (22 August 2016) * It's our right as a sovereign nation to choose immigrants that we think are the likeliest to thrive and flourish and love us. ** Immigration speech (31 August 2016), quoted in [http://fox59.com/2016/08/31/donald-trump-delivers-immigration-speech-after-meeting-with-mexican-president/ "Donald Trump delivers immigration speech after meeting with Mexican president"] by CNN Wire, ''[[wikipedia:WXIN|Fox 59]]''. * The fundamental problem with the immigration system in our country is that it serves the needs of wealthy donors, political activists and powerful politicians. Let me tell you who it doesn’t serve: it doesn’t serve you, the American people. ** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016) * When politicians talk about immigration reform, they usually mean the following: amnesty, open borders, and lower wages. Immigration reform should mean something else entirely: it should mean improvements to our laws and policies to make life better for American citizens. But if we are going to make our immigration system work, then we have to be prepared to talk honestly and without fear about these important and sensitive issues. ** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016) * To all the politicians, donors and special interests, hear these words from me today: there is only one core issue in the immigration debate and it is this: the well-being of the American people. Nothing even comes a close second. ** [https://www.politico.com/story/2016/08/donald-trump-immigration-address-transcript-227614 Immigration speech], Arizona (31 August 2016) * You’re stealing my money! You’re stealing my fucking money! What the fuck is this? Why are you letting him steal my fucking money?<br>Fuck the law. I don’t give a fuck about the law. I want my fucking money. **??? when informed he was required to fund a transition. [https://www.theguardian.com/news/2018/sep/27/this-guy-doesnt-know-anything-the-inside-story-of-trumps-shambolic-transition-team 27 September 2018 article in The Guardian by Michael Lewis ] =====Speech in Jackson, Mississippi (August 24, 2016)===== <small>Speech in {{w|Jackson, Mississippi}}. As quoted by ''{{w|CBS}}'' and ''{{w|The Hindu}}'' [http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2016/08/24/trump-clinton-bigot/][http://www.thehindu.com/news/international/republican-presidential-candidate-donald-trump-speaks-at-an-election-rally-in-mississippi/article9031151.ece] (August 24, 2016)</small> * '''Hillary Clinton is a bigot who sees people of color only as votes, not as human beings worthy of a better future.''' She's going to do nothing for African-Americans. She's going to do nothing for the Hispanics. She's only going to take care of herself, her consultants, her donors, these are the people she cares about. She doesn't care what her policies have done to your communities. She doesn't care. Remember this, you've had her policies — Democrats running some of the inner cities for 50, 70, 80, even over 100 years. And look what you have right now: poverty, no education, crime, you can't walk down the street with your child. We're going to fix it. Hillary Clinton has no remorse. I will fight to create a better future for every American. * Eight years of Obama-Clinton policies have sacrificed our safety and undermined our freedom and independence. ... The Obama-Clinton foreign policy has unleashed ISIS, destabilised the Middle East and put the nation of Iran — which chants [[Death to America]] — in a dominant position of regional power and, in fact, aspiring to be a dominant world power. * Our jobs have moved overseas, Islamic terrorism has spread within our shores and an open border has crushed low-income workers and threatened our security. The issues we face here in America are similar to the issues faced in Britain during their referendum on membership in the EU. This is the movement known as Brexit * Hillary wants to surrender America to globalism. She wants a country without borders. She wants trade deals written for the benefit of foreign corporations. She wants a government that ignores the will of the people. She wants to sell out American security to the Clinton Foundation for a pile of cash. It is hard to tell where the Clinton Foundation ends and the [[United States Department of State|State Department]] begins. ... Hillary Clinton has betrayed her duty to the people. * The job of a public official is to serve and protect the citizens of the United States. Not illegal immigrants, not foreign nationals seeking entry, but the people living here lawfully today — including millions of African-American and Hispanic citizens. * I will fight for their security, I will fight for their jobs, I will fight for their families. One American Nation. * It's time for America to recapture its destiny. Our government, our leaders, and our media have lost touch with the people. You need no better evidence of that than the fact that the media ignores the plight of Americans who have lost their children to illegal immigrants, but spends day after day pushing for amnesty for those here in violation of the law. * This is the legacy of Hillary Clinton: death, destruction, terrorism and weakness. But Hillary Clinton's legacy doesn't have to be America's legacy. * I have a message for the terrorists trying to kill our citizens: we will find you, we will destroy you, and we will win. This is not only a military fight, but we will also require cyberwarfare and financial warfare. It is also an ideological fight. We will confront directly the hateful ideology of Radical Islam — and promote American values, and American culture, and America's system of government. ====September 2016==== * We can't have someone in the Oval Office who doesn't understand the meaning of the word "confidential" or "classified". ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/05/15/politics/donald-trump-classified-information/ Trump campaign speech in Greenville, North Carolina] (6 September 2016) * For the first time in a long while, [[Hillary Clinton|her]] true feelings came out, showing bigotry and hatred for millions of Americans. How can she be President of our country when she has such contempt and disdain for so many great Americans? ** {{cite news |title=Clinton walks back 'deplorables' comment: I 'regret' using the term to describe 'half' of Trump's supporters |first=Beremy |last=Berke |work=[[w:Business Insider|Business Insider]] |date=10 September 2016 |url=http://www.businessinsider.com/clinton-regrets-deplorables-comment-2016-9/}} * While my opponent slanders you as deplorable... I call you hard-working, American patriots. ** [https://www.c-span.org/video/?415085-1/donald-trump-campaigns-ashville-north-carolina Donald Trump Campaign Rally in Ashville, North Carolina], ''C-SPAN.org'' (12 September 2016). *OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders. I don't dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things…I also watch TV…OK, so I've done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb…<br>Do I comb it forward? No, I don't comb it forward…I actually don't have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it's not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for comb-overs. But it's not really a comb-over. It's sort of a little bit forward and back. I've combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time. **[https://www.newsmax.com/thewire/jimmy-fallon-donald-trump-mess-up-hair/2016/09/16/id/748677/ 15 September 2016 to Jimmy Fallon] * Hillary Clinton and her campaign of 2008 started the birther controversy. I finished it. I finished it. You know what I mean. President Barack Obama was born in the United States, period. Now we all want to get back to making America strong and great again. ** {{cite news |title=Trump finally says Obama born in U.S., blames Clinton for controversy |work=USA Today |date=16 September 2016 |url=http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2016/2016/09/16/donald-trump-barack-obama-hillary-clinton-presidential-campaign-birtherism/90471868/}} ** [[wikipedia:Barack Obama citizenship conspiracy theories|Conspiracy theories about Barack Obama's citizenship]] were not started by Hillary Clinton's 2008 campaign according to ''[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/fact-checking-donald-trumps-claim-hillary-clinton-/ PolitiFact.com]'', and Trump continued to question Obama's citizenship for years after he released his long-form birth certificate in 2011[http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2016/sep/16/donald-trump/donald-trumps-pants-fire-claim-he-finished-obama-b/]. * People don't know how great you are. People don't know how smart you are. These are the smart people. These are the smart people. These are really the smart people. And they never like to say it, but I say it. And I'm a smart person. These are the smart. We have the smartest people. We have the smartest people. And they know it. Some say it, but they hate to say it. But we have the smartest people. ** Council Bluffs, Iowa, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-09-29 |title=Donald Trump's Bizarre Speech: 'You Are The Smartest People' |periodical=Leading Britain's Conversation |url=https://www.lbc.co.uk/politics/us-election/donald-trump/donald-trumps-bizarre-speech-smartest-people/}} * On the question if he would honor the results of the election should he lose:<br>"We're going to have to see. We're going to see what happens. We're going to have to see." ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/01/us/politics/donald-trump-interview-bill-hillary-clinton.html?_r=0 In an interview with the New York Times]; [http://www.nbcnews.com/card/trump-appears-back-pledge-support-clinton-if-she-wins-n657866 Trump Appears to Back Off Pledge to Support Clinton If She Wins], NBC News (30 September 2016) =====First presidential debate (September 26, 2016)===== <small>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/09/26/the-first-trump-clinton-presidential-debate-transcript-annotated/#annotations:10505575 Transcript], ''{{w|Washington Post}}''</small> * Our jobs are fleeing the country. They're going to Mexico. They're going to many other countries. You look at what China is doing to our country in terms of making our product. They're devaluing their currency, and there's nobody in our government to fight them. And we have a very good fight. And we have a winning fight. Because they're using our country as a piggy bank to rebuild China, and many other countries are doing the same thing. ... We have to stop our jobs from being stolen from us. We have to stop our companies from leaving the United States and, with it, firing all of their people. ... We cannot let it happen. Under my plan, I'll be reducing taxes tremendously, from 35 percent to 15 percent for companies, small and big businesses. That's going to be a job creator like we haven't seen since [[Ronald Reagan]]. It's going to be a beautiful thing to watch. Companies will come. They will build. They will expand. New companies will start. And I look very, very much forward to doing it. We have to renegotiate our trade deals, and we have to stop these countries from stealing our companies and our jobs. * Our country's in deep trouble. We don't know what we're doing when it comes to devaluations and all of these countries all over the world, especially China. They're the best, the best ever at it. What they're doing to us is a very, very sad thing. * But in all fairness to Secretary Clinton, when she started talking about this, it was really very recently. She's been doing this for 30 years. And why hasn't she made the agreements better? The NAFTA agreement is defective. Just because of the tax and many other reasons, but just because of the fact Secretary Clinton and others, politicians, should have been doing this for years, not right now, because of the fact that we've created a movement. * The first thing you do is don't let the jobs leave. The companies are leaving. I could name, I mean, there are thousands of them. They're leaving, and they're leaving in bigger numbers than ever. And what you do is you say, fine, you want to go to Mexico or some other country, good luck. We wish you a lot of luck. But if you think you're going to make your air conditioners or your cars or your cookies or whatever you make and bring them into our country without a tax, you're wrong. And once you say you're going to have to tax them coming in, and our politicians never do this, because they have special interests and the special interests want those companies to leave, because in many cases, they own the companies. So what I'm saying is, we can stop them from leaving. We have to stop them from leaving. And that's a big, big factor. * '''CLINTON''': Donald was one of the people who rooted for the [[wikipedia:United States housing bubble|housing crisis]]. He said, back in 2006, "Gee, I hope it does collapse, because then I can go in and buy some and make some money." Well, it did collapse. : '''TRUMP''': That's called business, by the way. * We invested in a solar company, our country. That was a disaster. They lost plenty of money on that one. Now, look, I'm a great believer in all forms of [[energy]], but we're putting a lot of people out of work. Our energy policies are a disaster. Our country is losing so much in terms of energy, in terms of paying off our debt. You can't do what you're looking to do with $20 trillion in debt. The Obama administration, from the time they've come in, is over 230 years' worth of debt, and he's topped it. He's doubled it in a course of almost eight years, seven-and-a-half years, to be semi- exact. * We have to do a much better job at giving companies incentives to build new companies or to expand, because they're not doing it. * NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country. And now you [Hillary Clinton] [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Trans-Pacific_Partnership|want to approve Trans-Pacific Partnership]]. You were totally in favor of it. Then you heard what I was saying, how bad it is, and you said, I can't win that debate. But you know that if you did win, you would approve that, and that will be almost as bad as NAFTA. Nothing will ever top NAFTA. * You are going to approve one of the [[wikipedia:Political positions of Hillary Clinton#Fiscal_policy_and_taxation|biggest tax cuts in history]]. You are going to approve one of the biggest tax increases in history. You are going to drive business out. Your regulations are a disaster, and you're going to increase regulations all over the place. And by the way, my tax cut is the biggest since [[wikipedia:Reaganomics|Ronald Reagan]]. I'm very proud of it. It will create tremendous numbers of new jobs. But regulations, you are going to regulate these businesses out of existence. ... The things that business as in people like the most is the fact that I'm cutting regulation. You have regulations on top of regulations, and new companies cannot form and old companies are going out of business. And you want to increase the regulations and make them even worse. I'm going to cut regulations. I'm going to cut taxes big league, and you're going to raise taxes big league, end of story. * She's telling us how to fight ISIS. Just go to her website. She tells you how to fight ISIS on her website. I don't think General [[Douglas MacArthur]] would like that too much. ... See, you're telling the enemy everything you want to do. No wonder you've been fighting ISIS your entire adult life. * I'm really calling for major jobs, because the wealthy are going create tremendous jobs. They're going to expand their companies. They're going to do a tremendous job. I'm getting rid of the carried interest provision. And if you really look, it's not a tax -- it's really not a great thing for the wealthy. It's a great thing for the middle class. It's a great thing for companies to expand. * We have the worst revival of an economy since the [[Great Depression]]. And believe me: '''We're in a bubble right now. And the only thing that looks good is the [[stock market]], but if you raise [[interest]] rates even a little bit, that's going to come [[Stock market crash|crashing down]].''' * I will release them as soon as the [[Auditor|audit]]. Look, I've been under audit almost for 15 years. I know a lot of wealthy people that have never been audited. I said, do you get audited? I get audited almost every year. And in a way, I should be complaining. I'm not even complaining. I don't mind it. It's almost become a way of life. I get audited by the [[IRS]]. But other people don't. I will say this. We have a situation in this country that has to be taken care of. I will release my tax returns -- against my lawyer's wishes -- when she [Hillary Clinton] releases her 33,000 e-mails that have been deleted. As soon as she releases them, I will release. ** About releasing his tax returns. * That makes me smart. ** About that Trump didn't pay [[wikipedia:Income tax in the United States|federal income taxes]]. * That was more than a mistake. That was done purposely. OK? That was not a mistake. That was done purposely. When you have your staff taking the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]], taking the Fifth so they're not prosecuted, when you have the man that set up the illegal server taking the Fifth, I think it's disgraceful. ** About {{w|Hillary Clinton email controversy}} * As far as my tax returns, you don't learn that much from tax returns. That I can tell you. You learn a lot from financial disclosure. And you should go down and take a look at that. * I am very under[[wiktionary:leverage|leveraged]]. I have a great company. I have a tremendous income. And the reason I say that is not in a braggadocios way. It's because it's about time that this country had somebody running it that has an idea about money. * Maybe he didn't do a good job and I was unsatisfied with his work ... On occasion, four times, we used certain laws that are there. And when Secretary Clinton talks about people that didn't get paid, first of all, they did get paid a lot, but taken advantage of the laws of the nation. Now, if you want to change the laws, you've been there a long time, change the laws. But I take advantage of the laws of the nation because I'm running a company. My obligation right now is to do well for myself, my family, my employees, for my companies. And that's what I do. ... She [Hillary Clinton] doesn't say is that tens of thousands of people that are unbelievably happy and that love me. ** About not having paid to some of his employees. * We need law and order. If we don't have it, we're not going to have a country. ... We need law and order in our country. * We have a situation where we have our inner cities, [[African American|African- Americans]], [[w:Hispanic American|Hispanics]] are living in hell because it's so dangerous. You walk down the street, you get shot. * Now, whether or not in a place like Chicago you do [[wikipedia:Frisking|stop and frisk]], which worked very well, [[Rudy Giuliani|Mayor Giuliani]] is here, [[wikipedia:Stop-and-frisk in New York City|worked very well in New York]]. It brought the crime rate way down. But you take the gun away from criminals that shouldn't be having it. We have [[wikipedia:Gangs in the United States|gangs roaming the street]]. And in many cases, they're illegally here, [[illegal immigrants]]. And they have guns. And they shoot people. And we have to be very strong. And we have to be very vigilant. * Our police, in many cases, are afraid to do anything. We have to protect our inner cities, because African-American communities are being decimated by crime, decimated. * '''HOLT''': Stop-and-frisk was ruled unconstitutional in New York, because it largely singled out black and Hispanic young men. : '''TRUMP''': No, you're wrong. It went before a judge, who was a very against-police judge. It was taken away from her. And our mayor, our new mayor, refused to go forward with the case. They would have won an appeal. If you look at it, throughout the country, there are many places where it's allowed. : '''HOLT''': The argument is that it's a form of racial profiling. : '''TRUMP''': No, the argument is that we have to take the guns away from these people that have them and they are bad people that shouldn't have them. * You need more police. You need a better community, you know, relation. ... You need better relationships between the communities and the police, because in some cases, it's not good. * So when you [Hillary Clinton] tried to act holier than thou, it really doesn't work. It really doesn't. * We should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we're not. I don't think anybody knows it was Russia that [[wikipedia:Democratic National Committee cyber attacks|broke into the DNC]]. She's saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don't -- maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK? * We have to get very, very tough on cyber and cyber warfare. * President Obama and Secretary Clinton created a vacuum the way they got [[wikipedia:Withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq|out of Iraq]], because they got out -- what, they shouldn't have been in, but once they got in, the way they got out was a disaster. And ISIS was formed. * I said it to you once, had we taken the [[oil]] -- and we should have taken the oil -- ISIS would not have been able to form either, because the [[wikipedia:Oil production and smuggling in ISIL|oil was their primary source of income]]. And now they have the oil all over the place, including the oil -- a lot of the oil in Libya, which was another one of her disasters. * You [Hillary Clinton] look at the Middle East, you started the Iran deal, that's another beauty where you have a country that was ready to fall, I mean, they were doing so badly. They were choking on the sanctions. And now they're going to be actually probably a major power at some point pretty soon, the way they're going. * I think we have to get [[NATO]] to go into the Middle East with us, in addition to surrounding nations, and we have to knock the hell out of ISIS, and we have to do it fast, when ISIS formed in this vacuum created by Barack Obama and Secretary Clinton. And believe me, you were the ones that took out the troops. ... When they formed, this is something that never should have happened. It should have never happened. Now, you're talking about taking out ISIS. But you were there, and you were secretary of state when it was a little infant. Now it's in over 30 countries. And you're going to stop them? I don't think so. * I think the best person in her [Clinton's] campaign is mainstream media. * The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not global warming, like you think and your -- your president thinks. ====October 2016==== * I'd never withdraw. I've never withdrawn in my life. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/amid-growing-calls-to-drop-out-trump-vows-to-never-withdraw/2016/10/08/8c0b5b7a-8d68-11e6-bff0-d53f592f176e_story.html?postshare=8561475940907652&tid=ss_tw phone call to the Washington Post] (8 October 2016) * So important that you get out and vote. So important that you watch other communities, because we don't want this election stolen from us. We don't want this election stolen from us. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/10/11/donald-trump-unplugged-as-ever/ Transcript of speech] at [[wikipedia:Ambridge, Pennsylvania|Ambridge, Pennsylvania]] (October 10, 2016) * '''Donald Trump''': Now, he's supposed to look like Donald Trump, but he's actually much too good looking. ''[to toddler]'' You are really handsome... Do you want to go back to [your parents] or do you want to stay with Donald Trump?<br>'''Toddler''': Trump. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=snou8qrElnM Little Trump Look-Alike Comes on Stage with Donald in Wilkes-Barre 10/10/16], [[wikipedia:Right Side Broadcasting Network|Right Side Broadcasting]], ''YouTube''. Quoted in [http://people.com/politics/donald-trump-meets-his-mini-me-at-pennsylvania-rally/ "Donald Trump Meets His Mini-Me at Pennsylvania Rally"] by Dave Quinn, ''People.com'' (October 11, 2016). * Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of U.S. sovereignty in order to enrich these global financial powers, her special interest friends and her donors. * Honestly, she should be locked up. She should be. Should be locked up. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/14/us/politics/trump-comments-linked-to-antisemitism.html at a rally in West Palm Beach, Florida] (October 13, 2016) * She [Clinton] walks in front of me, she walks in front of me, you know. And when she walked in front of me, believe me I wasn't impressed. * Reporters at [[The New York Times]] are not journalists. They're corporate lobbyists for [[Carlos Slim Helú|Carlos Slim]] and Hillary Clinton. * Believe me: She [one of the women accusing him of sexual assault] would not be my first choice, that I can tell you. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2016/10/14/politics/donald-trump-hillary-clinton-appearance-debate/ at a rally in Greensboro, N.C.] Also quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/15/us/politics/trump-speech-highlights.html Donald Trump's Barrage of Heated Rhetoric Has Little Precedent] (October 14, 2016) * Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt - and when I say corrupt, I'm talking about totally corrupt - political establishment [Obamacare] with a new government controlled by you, the American people. There is nothing the political establishment will not do. No lie that they won't tell to hold their prestige and power at your expense and that's what's been happening. The Washington establishment and the financial and media corporations that funded exist for only one reason: to protect and enrich itself. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. As an example, just one single trade deal they'd like to pass involves trillions of dollars controlled by many countries, corporations, and lobbyists. For those who controlled the levels of power in Washington, and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. Our campaign represents a true existential threat like they haven't seen before. ** At a campaign rally in Florida (13 October 2016) * No, no, lot of things are going on folks, lot of things. I think she's actually getting pumped up, if you want to know the truth, she's getting pumped up, you understand? In fact we're going to be talking about that in a few minutes. She's getting pumped up for Wednesday night. Let's see. You know, I don't know, maybe, we're like athletes, right? Hey, look, I beat seventeen senators, governors, I beat all these people, we're like athletes. Hillary beat Bernie, although it looks like Bernie got a little bit of a bad deal based on Wikileaks, right? If you look at Wikileaks. But we're like athletes, right? So athletes, they're making them more and more, but athletes, they make them take a drug test, right? I think we should take a drug test prior to the debate, I do. I think we should, why don't we do that? We should take a drug test, prior, because I don't know what's going on with her. But at the beginning of her last debate, she was all pumped up at the beginning, and at the end it was like, "Uh, take me down." She could barely reach her car. So I think we should take a drug test, I'm, er, anyway I'm willing to do it. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mE7YkeasOA At a rally in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, about his rival Hillary Clinton's performance during the presidential debates] (15 October 2016) * Such a nasty woman. [of Hillary Clinton] ** Third Presidential debate (19 October 2016), [http://fortune.com/2016/10/19/presidential-debate-third-transcript/ full transcript] at ''[[wikipedia:Fortune (magazine)|fortune.com]]''. * I would like to promise and pledge to all of my voters and supporters and to all of the people of the United States that I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election, ''if I win''. ** 20 October 2016, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-10-20 |title=Donald Trump: 'I will totally accept' election results 'if I win' |author=Jeremy Diamond |periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2016/10/20/politics/donald-trump-i-will-totally-accept-election-results-if-i-win/index.html}} * These events give not only the candidates a chance to be with each other in a very social setting; it also allows the candidates the opportunity to meet the other candidate's team — good team. I know Hillary met my campaign manager, and I got the chance to meet the people who are working so hard to get her elected. There they are — the heads of NBC, CNN, CBS, ABC — there's the New York Times, right over there, and the Washington Post. They're working overtime. True. True. Oh, this one’s going to get me in trouble. ** Al Smith charity dinner speech, 20 October 2016 *Hillary is so corrupt, she got kicked off the Watergate commission. **Al Smith charity dinner speech, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/election-us-2016-37724391 20 October 2016] * I'm going to fight for every American in every last part of this nation. We have a president who doesn't fight. He goes out and plays golf all the time. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC_3IxKcQIA Hardball with Chris Matthews, August 4, 2017] October 23 rally *She didn't know what to do, well how did you get him, uh well uh... they were sent by Russia! You know they're always using Russia **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=smKITCJJMnc&t=18m30s October 25, 2016 rally in Sanford] regarding [[Donna Brazile]] * And I have to give the [[Federal Bureau of Investigation|FBI]] credit, that was so bad, what happened, originally, and it took guts for [[James Comey|Director Comey]] to make the move that he made, in light of the kind of opposition he had, with their trying to protect her from criminal prosecution, you know that. It took a lot of guts, I really disagreed with him, I was not his fan, but I'll tell you what, what he did, he brought back his reputation, he brought it back. He's got to hang tough, because there's a lot of, lotta people, want him to do the wrong thing, what he did was the right thing. ** [http://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2016/10/31/donald-trump-james-comey-has-guts-grand-rapids-sot.cnn At a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan] shortly after Comey announced the FBI would investigate further emails relating to Hillary Clinton, but before his statement that no incriminating information was found within them (31 October 2016) =====Second presidential debate (October 9, 2016)===== <small>[http://www.nytimes.com/2016/10/10/us/politics/transcript-second-debate.html Transcript], ''{{w|New York Times}}''</small> * '''[[Anderson Cooper]]''': You bragged that you have [[Sexual assault|sexually assaulted]] women. Do you understand that?<br>'''Donald Trump''': No, I didn't say that at all. I don't think you understood what was — this was locker room talk. * I have great respect for women. Nobody has more respect for women than I do. * ...if I win, I am going to instruct my attorney general to get a special prosecutor to look into your [Hilary Clinton's] situation, because there has never been so many lies, so much deception. There has never been anything like it, and we're going to have a special prosecutor. * '''Hillary Clinton''': ...it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of Donald Trump is not in charge of the law in our country.<br>'''Donald Trump''': Because you'd be in jail. * '''Cooper''': Please allow her to respond. She didn't talk while you talked.<br>'''Clinton''': Yes, that's true, I didn't.<br>'''Trump''': Because you have nothing to say. * '''[[wikipedia:Martha Raddatz|Martha Raddatz]]''': ...you, Secretary Clinton, purportedly say you need both a public and private position on certain issues....<br>'''Clinton''': As I recall, that was something I said about [[Abraham Lincoln]] after having seen [[Lincoln (2012 film)|the wonderful Steven Spielberg movie]] ...<br>'''Trump''': Now she's blaming the lie on the late, great Abraham Lincoln. That's one that I haven't... OK, Honest Abe, Honest Abe never lied. That's the good thing. That's the big difference between Abraham Lincoln and you. That's a big, big difference. We're talking about some difference. * I know nothing about Russia. I know — I know about Russia, but I know nothing about the inner workings of Russia. * '''Cooper''': Did you use that $916 million loss to avoid paying personal federal income taxes for years?<br>'''Trump''': Of course I do. Of course I do. And so do all of her donors, or most of her donors. ... I pay tremendous numbers of taxes. I absolutely used it. And so did Warren Buffett and so did George Soros and so did many of the other people that Hillary is getting money from. * ...NAFTA, signed by her husband, is perhaps the greatest disaster trade deal in the history of the world. ====November 2016==== * I'm also honored to have the greatest temperament that anybody has. ** Quoted by {{citation | author=Sam Stein | date=2016-11-03 |title=Donald Trump Is Honored To Have The Greatest Temperament, Donald Trump Says | periodical=Huffington Post | url=https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-temperament_n_581b75d3e4b0b8e11a135eac}} * Our movement is about replacing a failed and corrupt political establishment with a new government controlled by you, the American people. The establishment has trillions of dollars at stake in this election. For those who control the levers of power in Washington and for the global special interests, they partner with these people that don't have your good in mind. The political establishment that is trying to stop us is the same group responsible for our disastrous trade deals, massive illegal immigration and economic and foreign policies that have bled our country dry. The political establishment has brought about the destruction of our factories and our jobs as they flee to Mexico, China and other countries all around the world. It's a global power structure that is responsible for the economic decisions that have robbed our working class, stripped our country of its wealth and put that money into the pockets of a handful of large corporations and political entities. The only thing that can stop this corrupt machine is you. The only force strong enough to save our country is us. The only people brave enough to vote out this corrupt establishment is you, the American people. I'm doing this for the people and the movement and we will take back this country for you and we will make America great again. I'm Donald Trump and I approve this message. ** Closing argument for America (4 November 2016) *** Lines recycled from Trump's campaign rally in West Palm Beach, FL (10/13/2016) * No dream is too big, no challenge is too great. Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/10/us/politics/trump-speech-transcript.html Victory Speech] (9 November 2016) * I think I'm a sober person. I think the press tries to make you into something a little bit different. In my case, a little bit of a wild man, I'm not, I'm actually not. I'm a very sober person. ** During an interview on 60 Minutes (11 November 2016) =====''New York Times'' Interview (November 23, 2016)===== : <small>''{{w|New York Times}}'' Interview, [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/23/us/politics/trump-new-york-times-interview-transcript.html?smid=tw-share Transcript] (November 23, 2016)</small> * People are giving up tremendous careers in order to be subject to you folks and subject to a lot of other folks. But they're giving up a lot. I mean some are giving up tremendous businesses in order to sit for four or maybe eight or whatever the period of time is. But I think we're going to see some tremendous talent, tremendous talent coming in. We have many people for every job. I mean no matter what the job is, we have many incredible people. I think, [[wikipedia:Reince Priebus|Reince]], you can sort of just confirm that. The quality of the people is very good. ... We're trying very hard to get the best people. Not necessarily people that will be the most politically correct people, because that hasn't been working. So we have really experts in the field. Some are known and some are not known, but they're known within their field as being the best. That's very important to me. * I think the popular vote would have been easier in a true sense because you'd go to a few places. I think that's the genius of the [[w:United States Electoral College|Electoral College]]. I was never a fan of the Electoral College until now. * What we do want to do is we want to bring the country together, because the country is very, very divided, and that's one thing I did see, big league. It's very, very divided, and I'm going to work very hard to bring the country together. * I want to move forward, I don't want to move back. And I don't want to hurt the Clintons. I really don't. She went through a lot. And suffered greatly in many different ways. And I am not looking to hurt them at all. The campaign was vicious. They say it was the most vicious primary and the most vicious campaign. I guess, added together, it was definitely the most vicious; probably, I assume you sold a lot of newspapers. ... It's just not something that I feel very strongly about. ... I'm not looking to look back and go through this. This was a very painful period. This was a very painful election with all of the email things and all of the foundation things and all of the everything that they went through and the whole country went through. This was a very painful period of time. ** About not prosecuting Hillary Clinton. * Our country's really in bad, big trouble. We have a lot of trouble. A lot of problems. And one of the big problems, I talk about, [[divisiveness]]. I think that a lot of people will appreciate … I'm not doing it for that reason. I'm doing it because it's time to go in a different direction. * '''Clean air is vitally important. Clean water, crystal clean water is vitally important. Safety is vitally important.''' * Sometimes I'll say I'm actually an [[environmentalist]] and people will smile in some cases and other people that know me understand that's true. Open mind. * We're not a competitive nation with other nations anymore. We have to make ourselves competitive. We're not competitive for a lot of reasons. That's becoming more and more of the reason. Because a lot of these countries that we do business with, they make deals with our president, or whoever, and then they don't adhere to the deals, you know that. And it's much less expensive for their companies to produce products. So I'm going to be studying that very hard, and I think I have a very big voice in it. And I think my voice is listened to, especially by people that don't believe in it. And we'll let you know. * As far as the, you know, potential conflict of interests, though, I mean I know that from the standpoint, the law is totally on my side, meaning, the president can't have a conflict of interest. That's been reported very widely. Despite that, I don't want there to be a conflict of interest anyway. And the laws, the president can't. And I understand why the president can't have a conflict of interest now because everything a president does in some ways is like a conflict of interest. * I don't care about my company. ... Because it doesn't matter. The only thing that matters to me is running our country. * It's hard to explain. I don't care about anything having to do with anything having to do with anything other than the country. * In theory I could run my business perfectly, and then run the country perfectly. And there's never been a case like this where somebody's had, like, if you look at other people of wealth, they didn't have this kind of asset and this kind of wealth, frankly. It's just a different thing. * I've known [[Steve Bannon]] a long time. If I thought he was a [[Racism in the United States|racist]], or [[alt-right]], or any of the things that we can, you know, the terms we can use, I wouldn't even think about hiring him. First of all, I'm the one that makes the decision, not Steve Bannon or anybody else. * To me more important is taking care of the people that really have proven to be, to love Donald Trump, as opposed to the political people. And frankly if the political people don't take care of these people, they're not going to win and you're going to end up with maybe a total different kind of government than what you're looking at right now. These people are really angry. They're smart, they're workers, and they're angry. I call them the forgotten men and women. And I use that in speeches, I say they're the forgotten people — they were totally forgotten. * I would love to be able to be the one that made peace with Israel and the Palestinians. I would love that, that would be such a great achievement. Because nobody's been able to do it. ... I've had a lot of, actually, great Israeli businesspeople tell me, you can't do that, it's impossible. I disagree, I think you can make peace. I think people are tired now of being shot, killed. At some point, when do they come? I think we can do that. I have reason to believe I can do that. * [[The Times]] is, it's a great, great American jewel. A world jewel. ====December 2016==== * There is no global anthem, no global [[currency]], no certificate of global [[citizenship]], we pledge allegiance to one flag and that flag is the [[Flag of the United States|American Flag]]! ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBqIUF-cdgY#t=15m38s Thank You Tour - Cincinnati, Ohio] (1 December 2016) * Funny how that term caught on, isn't it? I tell everyone, I hated it. Somebody said 'drain the swamp' and I said, 'Oh, that is so hokey. That is so terrible.' I said, all right, I'll try it. So like a month ago I said 'drain the swamp' and the place went crazy. And I said 'Whoa, what's this?' Then I said it again. And then I start saying it like I meant it, right? And then I started to love it, and the place loved it. Drain the swamp. It's true. It's true. Drain the swamp. ** [http://www.cnbc.com/2016/12/21/trump-adviser-says-he-is-ditching-drain-the-swamp.html During a rally in Des Moines, Iowa] (December 2016) * We will pursue a new foreign policy that finally learns from the mistakes of the past. We will stop looking to topple regimes and overthrow governments. ... Our goal is stability, not chaos, because we want to rebuild our country. It's time. ** Speaking at U.S. Bank Arena, quoted in {{citation |date=2016-12-01 |title=Trump's new foreign policy: 'We will stop looking to topple regimes' |author=Anna Giaritelli |periodical={{w|Washington Examiner}} |url=http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/trumps-new-foreign-policy-we-will-stop-looking-to-topple-regimes/article/2608687}} ===2017=== {| style="float:center; background:none;border: 1px solid silver;{{Border-radius|35px}}; margin:15px; background-color:#F6F6F6;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;"> 20 January 2017 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - Donald Trump's presidency began</div> |- |} {{main|First presidency of Donald Trump}} * '''Reporter:''' Would a reasonable observer say that you are potentially vulnerable to blackmail by Russia or by its [[Espionage|intelligence]] agencies?<br>'''Trump:''' Lemme just tell you what I do. When I leave our country, I'm a very high-profile person, would you say? I am extremely careful. I'm surrounded by bodyguards. I'm surrounded by people. And I always tell them—anywhere, but I always tell them if I'm leaving this country, "Be very careful, because in your hotel rooms and no matter where you go, you're gonna probably have cameras." I'm not referring just to Russia, but I would certainly put them in that category. And number one, "I hope you're gonna be good anyway. But in those rooms, you have cameras in the strangest places. Cameras that are so small with modern technology, you can't see them and you won't know. You better be careful, or you'll be watching yourself on nightly television." I tell this to people all the time. I was in Russia years ago, with the Miss Universe contest, which did very well—Moscow, the Moscow area did very, very well. And I told many people, "Be careful, because you don't wanna see yourself on television. Cameras all over the place."<br>And again, not just Russia, all over. Does anyone really believe that story? I'm also very much of a germaphobe, by the way, believe me. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/11/us/politics/trump-press-conference-transcript.html, Donald Trump Press Conference at Trump Tower] (11 January 2017) * People don't realize, you know, the [[American Civil War|Civil War]], if you think about it, why? ** [http://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/trump-why-couldn-t-civil-war-have-been-avoided-n753241 Trump: Why Couldn't the Civil War Have Been Avoided?] (May 1, 2017) ===2019=== * ''Q:'' Does the buck stop with you over this shutdown?<br />''Trump:'' The buck stops with everybody. **[https://theweek.com/speedreads/816895/president-trump-buck-stops-everybody January 10, 2019] * I just feel like a young man. I’m so young. I can’t believe it. I’m the youngest person. I am a young, vibrant man. I look at Joe — I don’t know about him. I don’t know. I would never say anyone is too old, but I know they’re all making me look very young, both in terms of age and I think in terms of energy. I think you people know that better than anybody. **[https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-marine-one-departure-40/ April 26, 2019] *The Jews always flip. **attested to by Michael Wolff [https://forward.com/fast-forward/425037/trump-jews-always-flip-michael-wolff-michael-cohen-david-pecker/ 28 May 2019] * Our army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do. ** Trump was describing battles in 1775, as quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/48885319 Trump blames 'airports' gaffe on teleprompter] *The kidney has a very special place in the heart. **[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/video/2019/jul/11/the-kidney-has-a-very-special-place-in-the-heart-says-donald-trump-video 11 July 2019] ===2020=== ====January 2020==== * <!--[00:00](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=0s): Tesla's now worth more than GM and Ford; do you have comments on Elon Musk? --><!-- [00:04](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=4s):--> Well, you have to give [[Elon Musk|him]] credit. I spoke to him very recently, and he's also doing the rockets, he likes rockets, and he does good at rockets too, by the way. I never saw… where [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage booster|the engines]] come down with no wings, no anything, [[w:Falcon 9 first-stage landings|and they're landing]]. I've said I've never seen that before. <!--[00:19](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=19s):--> And I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius. We have to protect [[Thomas Edison]], we have to protect all of these people that came up originally with the [[w:light bulb|light bulb]], and the [[w:wheel|wheel]], and all of these things. And he's one of our very smart people, and we want to cherish those people, that's very important. But he's done a very good job. <!--[00:41](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ&t=41s):--> Shocking, how well, …how it's come so fast. You go back a year, and they were talking about the end of [[w:Tesla, Inc.|the company]] and all of a sudden they're talking about these great things. He's going to be building [[w:Gigafactory|a very big plant]] in the United States. He has to. Because we help him, so he has to help us. ** on [[Elon Musk]], [[Tesla]], and [[SpaceX]] after Tesla stock valuation beat [[w:General Motors|General Motors]] and [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] combined ** {{citation|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEwTFJG1DQ|title=Trump on Elon Musk: I was worried about him, because he's one of our great geniuses|interviewer=[[w:Joe Kernen|Joe Kernen]]|date=2020-01-22|work=CNBC Television|via=Youtube|location=[[w:World Economic Forum|World Economic Forum]], [[w:Davos|Davos]], Switzerland}} ====February 2020==== * There are a lot of dishonest slimeballs out there. Dishonest scum. Dirty cops, lot of dirty cops … the ones on top, they were absolute scum. ** Trump described former senior law enforcement officials who were involved in the FBI probes into his campaign, as quoted in {{citation|date=2020-02-20|title=Trump repeatedly struggles to pronounce words during conspiracy-laden rally, before suggesting he'll pardon Roger Stone in late-night tweet |author=Tom Embury-Dennis |periodical=Independent |url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-rally-twitter-roger-stone-sentence-pardon-2020-election-rally-phoenix-arizona-a9345956.html}} * Can we get like ''[[Gone with the Wind (film)|Gone with the Wind]]'' back, please? ''[[Sunset Boulevard]]'', so many great movies. ** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms] ** [https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/magazines/panache/trump-slams-oscar-winning-south-korean-film-parasite-praises-gone-with-the-wind/videoshow/74251536.cms Trump slams Oscar-winning South Korean film 'Parasite', praises 'Gone with the Wind']video posted February 22, 2020 ====March 2020==== :See also: ::'''''[[COVID-19 pandemic in the United States]]''''' * I know South Korea better than anybody, it's a very tight — do you know how many people are in Seoul? Do you know how big the city of Seoul is? 38 million people. That's bigger than anything we have. ** Trump talking about Seoul, which is a city with 10 million people according to the city government's English language website. As quoted by {{citation |date=2020-03-30 |title=Trump tried to flex by asking a reporter about the population of Seoul. Then he got it wrong by 28 million. |author=Jake Lahut |periodical=Business Insider |url=https://www.businessinsider.com/coronavirus-trump-got-the-population-of-seoul-wrong-by-millions-2020-3?r=US&IR=T}} ====April 2020==== * It's called "[[social media]]." It's social media. It gets out. I have, you know, hundreds of millions of people. Number one on [[Facebook]]. Did you know I was number one on Facebook? I mean, I just found out I'm number one on Facebook. I thought that was very nice for whatever it means. No, it represents something. And when I can explain to people: Just don't do it. You know, it's going to be bad if you do it. It's going to be really bad. And they don't need to do it. They have enough problems. [[Iran]] has enough problems without doing that. But we’ve been pulling back very substantially over the last year, in [[Iraq]]. And so, you know, that's the way it is. ** Coronavirus task force press briefing, {{#formatdate:2020-04-01}}, quoted in {{citation |date=2020-04-01 |title=Remarks by President Trump, Vice President Pence, and Members of the Coronavirus Task Force in Press Briefing |author=James S. Brady |periodical=White House |url=https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-vice-president-pence-members-coronavirus-task-force-press-briefing-16/}}. ** Note: At April 1, [https://web.archive.org/web/20200401020635if_/https://www.facebook.com/DonaldTrump/ Trump's official page], with 26.8 million likes and 28.5 million followers, was not among the [[w:List of most-followed Facebook pages|most-followed Facebook pages]]. At January 6, speaking on [[Rush Limbaugh]]'s radio show Trump stated that [[Mark Zuckerberg]] told him that he was "number one on Facebook", claim that was not refuted by Facebook as reported in ''[https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/trump-mark-zuckerberg-facebook_n_5e12e125e4b0843d3615393f Trump Claims Mark Zuckerberg Told Him He's 'Number One On Facebook']'' (January 8, 2020) by Josephine Harvey, ''{{w|HuffPost Australia}}'' ====May 2020==== *I have not touched my face in a week. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-face-touching-video-proof_n_5e601ac1c5b6985ec91abce1] ====August 2020==== * I read a lot. I comprehend extraordinarily well. Probably better than anybody you’ve interviewed in a long time, ** As quoted by {{citation | author=Aaron Rupar | date=2020-08-03 |title=“They are dying. That’s true. It is what it is.” Trump’s Axios interview was a disaster. | periodical=VOX | url=https://www.vox.com/2020/8/4/21354055/trump-axios-interview-jonathan-swan}} * I don't know. I really don't know. I don't know. I don't know John Lewis. He chose not to come to my inauguration. He chose -- I don't -- I never met John Lewis actually, I don't believe. ** Trump was responding to how civil rights icon John Lewis will be remembered, as quoted by {{citation | author=Tyler Olson | date=2020-08-03 |title=Trump withholds praise for John Lewis, notes he 'didn't come to my inauguration'| periodical=Fox News| url=https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-john-lewis-inauguration}} * Yeah, I wish her well. * But I wish her well. * I do wish her well. ** Said about [[Ghislaine Maxwell]], quoted in [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/08/04/trump-well-wishes-ghislaine-maxwell-391274 "Trump doubles down on well-wishes for alleged sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell"] ''Politico'' (August 4, 2020) * So showerheads — you take a shower, the water doesn’t come out. You want to wash your hands, the water doesn’t come out. So what do you do? You just stand there longer or you take a shower longer? Because my hair — I don’t know about you, but it has to be perfect. Perfect. ** Quoted by {{citation | author=Debbie White, Jon Rogers, Fionnuala O'Leary | date=2020-08-12 |title=US proposes change to shower rules after President’s hair-washing complaint | periodical=The SUN | url=https://www.thesun.co.uk/news/12369436/donald-trump-latest-news-live-updates/}} * Don't buy GOODYEAR TIRES - They announced a BAN ON MAGA HATS. Get better tires for far less! (This is what the Radical Left Democrats do. Two can play the same game, and we have to start playing it now!) ** Quoted by {{citation | author=Betsy Klein | date=2020-08-19 |title=Trump 'cancels' Goodyear tires as he campaigns against 'cancel culture' | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/trump-goodyear-cancel-culture/index.html}} * I don't know much about the movement other than I understand they like me very much, which I appreciate ** Said about the [[QAnon]] group, as quoted by {{citation | author=Kevin Liptak | date=2020-08-20 |title=Trump embraces QAnon conspiracy because 'they like me' | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/08/19/politics/donald-trump-qanon/index.html}} * If Jesus came down and was the vote counter, I would win California. ** [https://www.foxla.com/news/trump-tells-dr-phil-he-would-have-won-california-2020-jesus-was-counting-votes "Trump tells Dr. Phil he would have won California in 2020 if Jesus 'was the vote counter'"] ''Fox 11 Los Angeles'' (August 30, 2024) ====September 2020==== * CNN reported that I had a heart attack. ** Claimed as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-09-03 |title=Even Fox News is choosing not to cover Trump's rallies in full, but his falsehoods are still eye-popping |author=Brian Stelter | periodical=CNN |url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/04/media/donald-trump-pennsylvania-reliable-sources/index.html}} * I don't think [[science]] knows, actually. * It'll start getting cooler. You just watch. ** Trump described his stance on [[Scientific consensus on climate change|climate science]] and [[global warming]], as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-14 | title=Trump baselessly questions climate science during California wildfire briefing | author= Maegan Vazquez | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/09/14/politics/donald-trump-wildfires-briefing-climate-change/index.html}} * Critical race theory, the 1619 Project, and the crusade against American history is toxic propaganda, ideological poison that, if not removed, will dissolve the civic bonds that tie us together. It will destroy our country. ** [https://trumpwhitehouse.archives.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-white-house-conference-american-history/ Remarks by President Trump at the White House Conference on American History] (17 September 2020) *She just died? Wow. I didn't know that. You are telling me now for the first time. She led an amazing life. What else can you say? Whether you agreed or not, she was an amazing woman who led an amazing life. I am actually sad to hear that. **[https://deadline.com/2020/09/donald-trump-ruth-bader-ginsburg-1234579988/ On the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg] (18 September 2020) * Can you believe it, in one week they nominated me, not for one, but for two Nobel prizes. But you know, you have a president, you love your president, and your president gets honored, because I’m not being honored, you’re being honored with the Nobel Peace Prize, for Israel, what we did with Israel. ** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-19 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} * I’m the only man that got nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize and I didn’t get any press. They wouldn’t. For two of them. Last week, I’m not bragging about it. ** Quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-21 | title=Trump’s Nobel Nonsense | author= Robert Farley | periodical=FactCheck.org| url=https://www.factcheck.org/2020/09/trumps-nobel-nonsense/}} * The stated goal of BLM people is to achieve the destruction of the nuclear family, abolish the police, abolish prisons, abolish border security, abolish [[capitalism]] and abolish school choice. ** Claimed about the Black Lives Matter movement, as quoted in {{citation | date=2020-09-25 | title=Donald Trump launches blistering attack on the Black Lives Matter movement | author= Graeme Massie | periodical=Independent.co.uk | url=https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/donald-trump-rally-today-blm-black-lives-matter-b604727.html}} * Totally fake news ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2020/09/27/trump-calls-nyt-tax-report-totally-fake-news-422330Trump responding] to the NYT report on the alleged tax avoidance by Donald Trump * [[Steve Jobs]] would not be happy that his wife is wasting money he left her on a failing Radical Left Magazine that is run by a con man (Goldberg) and spews FAKE NEWS & HATE. Call her, write her, let her know how you feel!!! ** [[Trump]] in [https://www.cnn.com/2020/09/06/business/donald-trump-laurene-powell-jobs/?iid=ob_lockedrail_longstory_pool Trump attacks the sixth-richest woman in the world for her ties to] [[w:The Atlantic|The Atlantic]] on September 6, 2020 ====October 2020==== * I think this was a blessing from God that I caught it. It was a blessing in disguise. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-08 |title=Trump returns to Oval Office and says coronavirus diagnosis was 'blessing from God' | author=Kevin Liptak | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/07/politics/trump-oval-office-coronavirus/index.html}} * I'll walk into that audience. I'll walk in there, I'll kiss everyone in that audience. I'll kiss the guys and the beautiful women and the -- everybody. I'll just give everybody a big, fat kiss. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-12 |title=Trump mocks virus as he launches potential superspreader sprint to win reelection | author=Stephen Collinson | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/13/politics/donald-trump-election-2020-campaign/index.html}} * They say he was born in Scranton, but he left, he left. He abandoned you. ** Trump referred back to when [[Joe Biden]] was 10 years old and the family moved from Pennsylvania to Delaware because his father started in a new job, as quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-14 |title=Fact check: Trump continues dishonesty bombardment at Pennsylvania rally | author=Daniel Dale | periodical=CNN | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/14/politics/fact-check-trump-rally-johnstown-pennsylvania/index.html}} * That was an opinion of somebody and that was a retweet. I’ll put it out there. People can decide for themselves. ** Trump explained why he retweeted a claim that Osama bin Laden’s killing was staged and that members of Navy SEAL Team 6 had been killed to cover it up. Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-16 |title=Column: Trump and Biden town halls showed us two worlds, and only one of them is terrifying | author=Rex Huppke | periodical=Chicago Tribune| url=https://www.chicagotribune.com/columns/rex-huppke/ct-trump-biden-town-hall-qanon-rogers-calm-election-polls-huppke-20201016-3oke7rhwhbdrfcshgbnpqmimbe-story.html}} * Would you like a nice low-income housing project next to your suburban beautiful ranch style house? Generally speaking, no. I saved your suburbs -- <b>women -- suburban women, you're supposed to love Trump.</b> ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2020-10-17 |title=Trump continues bizarre appeals to suburban women as he campaigns in Covid hotspots | author=Maeve Reston| periodical=CNN| url=https://edition.cnn.com/2020/10/18/politics/donald-trump-women-gretchen-whitmer/index.html}} ===2021=== {| style="float:center; background:none;border: 1px solid silver;{{Border-radius|35px}}; margin:15px; background-color:#F6F6F6;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;"> 20 January 2021 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - End of presidency </div> |- |} ====February 2021==== * The [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]] can never again be respected or strong with political “leaders” like Sen. [[Mitch McConnell]] at its helm. McConnell’s dedication to business as usual, status quo policies, together with his lack of political insight, wisdom, skill, and personality, has rapidly driven him from Majority Leader to Minority Leader, and it will only get worse. The Democrats and [[Chuck Schumer]] play McConnell like a fiddle—they’ve never had it so good—and they want to keep it that way! We know our America First agenda is a winner, not McConnell’s Beltway First agenda or Biden’s America Last. * It was a complete election disaster in Georgia, and certain other swing states. McConnell did nothing, and will never do what needs to be done in order to secure a fair and just electoral system into the future. He doesn’t have what it takes, never did, and never will. * Mitch is a dour, sullen, and unsmiling political hack, and if Republican Senators are going to stay with him, they will not win again. He will never do what needs to be done, or what is right for our Country. ** [https://www.politico.com/f/?id=00000177-ad2a-d713-a777-edee3b100000 Statement by Donald J. Trump, February 16, 2021] ====March 2021==== * Do you miss me yet? Do you miss me? * Mr. McLaughlin just gave me numbers that nobody's ever heard of before, more popular than anybody. That's all of us. It's all of us. * We won the election twice. I mean, you know, think about it ... * But who knows? Who knows? I may even decide to beat them for a third time, OK? For a third time. * This election was rigged. And the Supreme Court and other courts didn't want to do anything about it. * And the only people that should be allowed to vote by mail are people that can be proven to be either very sick or out of the country or military where they can't do it. One day. * And then a Republican president will make a triumphant return to the White House. And I wonder who that will be. I wonder who that will be. Who, who, who will that be, I wonder? ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-01 | author = Chris Cillizza | title = The 50 most ridiculous lines from Donald Trump's CPAC speech | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/01/politics/donald-trump-cpac-speech/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * Karl Rove has been losing for years, except for himself. * He's a RINO of the highest order, who came to the Oval Office lobbying for 5G for him and a group. * He's a pompous fool with bad advice and always has an agenda. * If the Republican Party is going to be successful, they're going to have to stop dealing with the likes of Karl Rove and just let him float away, or retire, like Liddle' Bob Corker, Jeff 'Flakey' Flake, and others like Toomey of Pennsylvania, who will soon follow. * 31 million people listened to my CPAC speech online, and it had among the largest television audience of the week, even though it was on cable at 4pm on Sunday afternoon. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-05 | author = Chris Cillizza | title = The 17 most outlandish lines from Donald Trump's attack on Karl Rove | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/05/politics/donald-trump-karl-rove-2020-election/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * I will not be endorsing, under any circumstances, the failed candidate from the great State of Alaska, [[w:Lisa Murkowski|Lisa Murkowski]]. She represents her state badly and her country even worse. I do not know where other people will be next year, but I know where I will be — in Alaska campaigning against a disloyal and very bad Senator. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-06 | author = Alex Isenstadt | title = Trump vows to campaign against 'disloyal' Murkowski | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/06/trump-lisa-murkowski-2022-474028 |publisher=Politico}} * No more money for RINOS. They do nothing but hurt the Republican Party and our great voting base--they will never lead us to Greatness. Send your donation to Save America PAC at DonaldJTrump.com. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-10 | author = Michael Warren, Fredreka Schouten, Eric Bradner | title = Trump's clash with GOP over using his name in fundraising ignites midterm worries | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/10/politics/trump-republican-fundraising-midterms/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * I would recommend it, and I would recommend it to a lot of people that don't want to get it and a lot of those people voted for me, frankly. But again, we have our freedoms and we have to live by that and I agree with that also. But it is a great vaccine. It is a safe vaccine and it is something that works. ** On the COVID-19 vaccine. Quoted by {{citation|date=2021-3-16|author=Meredith McGraw|title=Trump encourages Americans to get the Covid vaccine|publisher=Politico|url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/16/trump-americans-covid-vaccine-476479}} * <i> About the {{w|2021 storming of the United States Capitol}}:</i> It was zero threat, right from the start, it was zero threat. Look, they went in, they shouldn't have done it. Some of them went in, and they are hugging and kissing the police and the guards, you know, they had great relationships. A lot of the people were waved in, and then they walked in and they walked out. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-26 | author = Veronica Stracqualursi | title = Trump lies about Capitol riot by claiming his supporters were 'hugging and kissing' cops | url=https://edition.cnn.com/2021/03/26/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-arrests/index.html |publisher=CNN}} * And China, the same thing, they never treated us that way, right? You saw what happened a few days ago, was terrible, and uh, the border is not good, the border is the worst anybody’s ever seen it, and what you see now, multiply it times 10, Jim — he’s the only one I know who would handle the border tougher than me. We have to, and the tough is…in the most humanitarian way, because that’s what it is. What’s happening to the kids, they’re living in squalor, they are living like nobody has ever seen anybody, there’s never been anything like what’s, and you’re gonna have hundreds, and you have it now, they have the airplane photos, the shocks, and they call ’em shocks, and these things are showing thousands and thousands of people coming up from South America and it’s gonna be, it’s just uh, look, it’s a disaster. It’s a humanitarian disaster from their standpoint, and it’s gonna destroy the country, and frankly, the country can’t afford it because you’re talking about massive, just incredibly massive amounts. Our school systems, our hospital systems, everything. ** Wedding toast, quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Bess Levin | title = Of course Donald Trump crashed a wedding a gave a rambling, incoherent speech about Biden, Iran and China | url=https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/03/donald-trump-mar-a-lago-wedding-speech |publisher=Vanity Fair}} * Based on their interviews, I felt it was time to speak up about [[Anthony Fauci|Dr. Fauci]] and Dr. Birx, two self-promoters trying to reinvent history to cover for their bad instincts and faulty recommendations, which I fortunately almost always overturned. They had bad policy decisions that would have left our country open to China and others, closed to reopening our economy, and years away from an approved vaccine — putting millions of lives at risk * Dr. Birx was a terrible medical advisor, which is why I seldom followed her advice. * I only kept Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx on because they worked for the U.S. government for so long — they are like a bad habit! ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Benjamin Din | title = Trump lashes out at Fauci and Birx after CNN documentary | url=https://www.politico.com/news/2021/03/29/trump-fauci-birx-cnn-documentary-478422 |publisher=Politico}} * Dr. Birx is a proven liar with very little credibility left. ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-03-29 | author = Brett Samuels | title = Trump targets Fauci, Birx in lengthy diatribe | url=https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/545472-trump-targets-fauci-birx-in-lengthy-diatribe |publisher=The Hill}} ====April 2021==== * Happy Easter to ALL, including the Radical Left CRAZIES who rigged our Presidential Election, and want to destroy our Country! ** Quoted by {{citation |date=2021-04-05 | author = Martin Pengelly | title = Who needs Twitter? Trump wishes happy Easter to 'radical left crazies' | url=https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/apr/04/trump-wishes-happy-easter-to-radical-left-crazies |publisher=The Guardian}} * I'll give you a little breaking news, [[w:Pfizer|Pfizer]] is in with the FDA. What the FDA did with [[w:Johnson & Johnson|Johnson and Johnson]] is so stupid ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20210627112356/https://www.pharmamanufacturing.com/industrynews/2021/trump-blasts-fda-for-j-and-j-vax-pause-says-pfizer-in-with-the-agency/ TV interview with Sean Hannity] * Getting out of Afghanistan is a wonderful and positive thing to do. I planned to withdraw on May 1st, and we should keep as close to that schedule as possible. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-biden-afghanistan-pullout-wonderful-and-positive-thing-to-do-2021-4?r=US&IR=T "Trump says Biden's plan to withdraw US troops from Afghanistan is a 'wonderful and positive thing to do'"], Business Insider, 19 April 2021 ====May 2021==== *If a thief robs a jewelry store of all of its diamonds (the 2020 Presidential Election), the diamonds must be returned. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-05.10.21-4 10 May 2021] *The entire Database of [[Maricopa County]] in Arizona has been DELETED! This is illegal and the Arizona State Senate, who is leading the Forensic Audit, is up in arms. Additionally, seals were broken on the boxes that hold the votes, ballots are missing, and worse. Mark Brnovich, the Attorney General of Arizona, will now be forced to look into this unbelievable Election crime. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/desk/desk-4yeh37peju/ 15 May 2021] ====June 2021==== *Congratulations to the country of [[Nigeria]], who just banned [[Twitter]] because they banned [[Muhammadu Buhari|their President]]. More COUNTRIES should ban Twitter and Facebook for not allowing free and open speech — all voices should be heard. [[Mark Zuckerberg|Zuckerberg]] kept calling me and coming to the White House for dinner telling me how great I was. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-more-countries-should-ban-twitter-facebook-zuckerberg-2021-6] *They may allow me back in two years. We got to stop that. We can’t let it happen. So unfair. They are shutting down an entire group of people. Not just me. They are shutting down the voice of a much more powerful and a much larger group. ** about Facebook banning him, in rally speech [https://deadline.com/2021/06/donald-trump-facebook-mark-zuckerberg-1234770087/] ====July 2021==== *The American people’s birthright of freedom must prevail against [[Big Tech]] and other forces that seek to destroy it. **7 July 2021 [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/07/07/trump-big-tech-lawsuit-498536 Politico, Trump plans class action suit against Twitter, Facebook] *Many say I am the greatest star-maker of all time. But some of the stars I produced are actually made of garbage. **[https://web.archive.org/web/20210715183933/https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/statement-by-donald-j-trump-45th-president-of-the-united-states-of-america-07.15.21-06 15 July 2021 on DonaldJTrump.com] ====August 2021==== *There is massive and unconditional evidence that the election was shattered with fraud and irregularities at a level that our Country has never seen before. Much of it is already public, and a great deal more is coming out in the very near future. Every time you read a statement that there is “no evidence of election fraud,” about the 2020 election scam, just attribute that statement to a crooked and collusive media (they work closely together with the Radical Left Democrats) that will do anything to hide the real facts of this election fiasco. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-qvb8wmvsyn0 1 August 2021] *If I were President right now, with COVID raging back, people being shot and killed in record numbers all over our cities, and the Border totally open with criminals and heavily infected COVID people pouring through our Southern Border and into our communities, the Fake News Media would be having an absolute field day. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-kyatp4nd8q0 2 August 2021] * If our soccer team, headed by a radical group of Leftist Maniacs, wasn’t woke, they would have won the Gold Medal instead of the Bronze. * Woke means you lose, everything that is woke goes bad, and our soccer team certainly has. * They should replace the wokesters with Patriots and start winning again. The woman with the purple hair played terribly and spends too much time thinking about Radical Left politics and not doing her job! ** Said about the US women's national soccer team after winning a bronze medal in the Olympic Games in Tokyo, as quoted in [https://amp.theguardian.com/football/2021/aug/05/donald-trump-uswnt-usa-soccer-olympics-bronze-megan-rapinoe-tokyo-2020 "‘Woke means you lose’: Donald Trump rails at USWNT after Olympic bronze"], The Guardian, 5 August 2021 * I have quietly said for years that Mitch McConnell is the most overrated man in politics— now I don't have to be quiet anymore. ** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-calls-mitch-mcconnell-most-overrated-man-politics-ahead-infrastructure-vote-1617944 "Trump Calls Mitch McConnell 'Most Overrated Man in Politics' Ahead of Infrastructure Vote"], Newsweek, 10 August 2021 * I recommend: take the vaccines. I did it. It’s good. Take the vaccines. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2021/08/22/trump-booed-at-alabama-rally-after-telling-supporters-to-get-vaccinated.html "Trump booed at Alabama rally after telling supporters to get vaccinated"], CNBC, 22 August 2021 ====September 2021==== * If they let you do your job you wouldn’t have crime in New York! * I’ve been given so much support by the people who do what you do. * We love the blue. I’ll say it loud. You know, you’re not supposed to say that. We love the blue. **[https://nypost.com/2021/09/11/trump-makes-surprise-visit-to-new-york-police-and-firefighters/ Trump makes surprise visit to New York police and firefighters on 9/11] * We’re not going to have a country left in three years, I’ll tell you that. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-predicts-america-end-002940784.html "Donald Trump Predicts America Will End Within 3 Years"], quoted by David Moye, Yahoo News, 15 September 2021 * [[w:Anthony Gonzalez (politician)|1]] down, 9 to go! ** "[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2021/sep/17/trump-celebrates-gonzalezs-exit-1-down-9-go/ Trump celebrates Gonzalez’s exit: ‘1 down, 9 to go!’]" (September 17, 2021) * Everybody will be watching [[Arizona]] tomorrow to see what the highly respected auditors and Arizona State Senate found out regarding the so-called Election! ** "[https://www.politico.com/news/2021/09/24/arizona-review-draft-report-tally-biden-won-514088 GOP-led Arizona election review closely matches Biden's winning margin]" (September 23, 2021) ====October 2021==== * Nobody has done more for [[Christianity]] or for [[evangelicals]] — or for [[religion]] itself — than I have. ** Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-claims-nobody-has-done-more-religion-itself-him-1635036 "Donald Trump Claims Nobody Has Done More 'for Religion Itself' Than Him"], Newsweek, 2 October 2021 * the real insurrection happened on November 3rd, the Presidential Election, not on [[January 6th]]—which was a day of protesting the Fake Election results ** [https://www.npr.org/2021/10/06/1043746455/trump-continues-to-lie-says-real-insurrection-happened-when-he-lost-election Trump continues to lie, says 'real insurrection' happened when he lost election]" (October 6, 2021) * [[Republican]] [[Senators]], do not [[vote]] for this terrible deal ([[debt]] limit) being pushed by folding [[Mitch McConnell]]. Stand strong for our Country.  * The [[American]] people are with you! ** In an emailed statement "[https://thehill.com/homenews/senate/575876-trump-urged-gop-senators-to-vote-against-mcconnell-debt-deal Trump urges GOP senators to vote against McConnell debt deal]" (October 7,2021) * If we don't solve the Presidential Election Fraud of 2020 (which we have thoroughly and conclusively documented), Republicans will not be voting in '22 or '24. It is the single most important thing for Republicans to do. ** According to an MSNBC article and a short video "[https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/democrats-finally-have-reason-celebrate-one-trump-s-threats-n1281494 Democrats finally have reason to celebrate one of Trump's threats]" (October 13, 2021) * It’s so sad when you see that they are approving these windmills — worst form of energy, the most expensive. You talk about carbon emissions, well they are making them. More goes into the air than if you ran something for 30 years. * I’m not into golden showers. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-touts-putin-relationship-rails-233840649.html "Trump Touts Putin Relationship, Rails About Wind Energy's 'Carbon Emissions' In Speech"], Yahoo News (October 16 2021) *I wanted to have people be ready because we were put on alert that they were going to do fruit. And some fruit is a lot worse than — tomatoes are bad by the way. **[https://www.documentcloud.org/documents/21748396-trumpdepositionexcerptsefraingalicia42622/ Deposition], October 18, 2021 * After years of litigation, I was pleased to have had the opportunity to tell my side of this ridiculous story — Just one more example of baseless harassment of your favorite president ** "[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-faces-pile-civil-lawsuits-depositions-begin-n1281612 Trump faces a pile of civil lawsuits as depositions begin]" (October 18, 2021) * Wonderful to see [[Colin Powell]], who made big mistakes on Iraq and famously, so-called weapons of mass destruction, be treated in death so beautifully by the Fake News Media. Hope that happens to me someday. He was a classic RINO, if even that, always being the first to attack other Republicans. He made plenty of mistakes, but anyway, may he rest in peace! ** {{cite news|author=Chris Cillizza |url=https://www.cnn.com/2021/10/19/politics/donald-trump-colin-powell-death/index.html |title=Donald Trump (yet again) proves there's no bottom |work=cnn.com|date=October 19, 2021 |accessdate=October 19, 2021}} *We live in a world where the Taliban has a huge presence on Twitter, yet your favorite American president has been silenced **"[https://www.cnbc.com/2021/10/20/trump-announces-social-media-platform-launch-plan-spac-deal.html Trump announces social media platform launch plan, SPAC deal]" (October 20, 2021) *[[Israel]] doesn’t even control [[Congress]] anymore. **29 October 2021 per https://thepostmillennial.com/exclusive-president-donald-j-trump-speaks-to-the-post-millennial ====November 2021==== *RINOs who supported infrastructure bill should be ashamed of themselves **on Sky News Australia [[Youtube]] channel '''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZG-D0e8T0A video]''' (November 7, 2021) ====December 2021==== *He was very early. Like earlier than most. I haven’t spoken to him since. Fuck him, **10 December 2021 interview with Barak Ravid about [[Benjamin Netanyahu]] per [https://www.timesofisrael.com/fck-him-in-interview-trump-rages-at-netanyahu-over-congratulations-to-biden/ Times of Israel] * I thought the [[Palestinians]] were impossible, and the [[Israelis]] would do anything to make peace and a deal. I found that not to be true. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Trump: I thought Israelis would do anything for peace, but found that not to be true], ''Times of Israel'' (11 December 2021) *Bibi did not want to make a deal. Even most recently, when we came up with the maps. Now I don’t know if he didn’t want to make it for political reasons, or for other reasons. I wish he would have said he didn’t want to make a deal, instead of…. Because a lot of people devoted a lot of work. But I don’t think Bibi would have ever made a deal. That’s my opinion. I think the general [Gantz] wanted to make a deal. **11 December 2021 quoted by [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-i-thought-israelis-would-do-anything-for-peace-but-found-that-not-to-be-true/ Times of Israel] *There’s people in this country that are Jewish that no longer love Israel.<br>I’ll tell you the Evangelical Christians love Israel more than the Jews in this country.<br>It used to be that Israel had absolute power over Congress and today I think it’s the exact opposite, and I think Obama and Biden did that.<br>And yet in the election, they still get a lot of votes from Jewish people…which tells you that the Jewish people, and I’ve said this for a long time.<br>The Jewish people in the United States either don’t like Israel or don’t care about Israel.<br>I mean, you look at The New York Times, The New York Times hates Israel, hates them, and they’re Jewish people that run The New York Times, I mean the Sulzberger family. **17 December 2021 per [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2021/12/donald-trump-anti-semitism-jews-israel Vanity Fair] *I think the origins are so obvious. They came out of the Wuhan lab. And I think if anybody thinks anything differently, they’re just kidding themselves. So, you can ask — China has to pay. They have to do something. '''They have to pay reparations'''. And China doesn’t have the money to pay those reparations. I believe that worldwide — I’m not just talking United States — worldwide, '''$60 trillion of damage''', $60 trillion. China doesn’t have $60 trillion. But they have to do something to make up for what they’ve done. What they’ve done to the world is so horrible. It’s been horrible, all over the world. And it doesn’t stop. **[https://www.breitbart.com/clips/2021/12/19/trump-china-must-pay-for-covid-origins-they-have-to-pay-reparations/ 19 December 2021] * <i> About developing vaccines against Covid-19: </i> Look, we did something that was historic, we saved tens of millions of lives worldwide. We, together, all of us, not me. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/12/20/politics/donald-trump-booster-shot-boos/index.html "Trump met with boos after revealing he received Covid-19 booster"], CNN, 21 December 2021 * I came up with a vaccine, with three vaccines. ** [https://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/public-global-health/587079-trump-pushes-back-on-candace-owens-people-arent-dying "Trump pushes back on Candace Owens: 'People aren't dying when they take the vaccine'"], The Hill, 23 December 2021 ===2022=== ====January 2022==== * If you take [[COVID-19 vaccine|the vaccine]], you're protected. Look, the results of the vaccine are very good, and if you do get it, it's a very minor form. People aren't dying when they take the vaccine. ** 6 January 2022, interviewed by [[Candace Owens]], discussing the [[COVID-19 vaccine]]; reported in Bruce Y. Lee, "[https://www.forbes.com/sites/brucelee/2021/12/24/trump-tells-candace-owens-that-covid-19-vaccines-work-one-of-the-greatest-achievements-of-mankind/ Trump Tells Candace Owens That Covid-19 Vaccines Work: 'One Of The Greatest Achievements Of Mankind']", [[Forbes]] (Jan 6, 2022) *I ran twice and we won twice.<br>This crowd is a massive symbol of what took place, because people are hungry for the truth. They want their country back. **15 January 2022 [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2022/01/trump-arizona-rally-2024-election/621244/ via Elaine Godfrey of The Atlantic] *If I run and if I win, we will treat those people from January sixth fairly. We will treat them fairly.<br>And if it requires pardons, we will give them pardons. Because they are being treated so unfairly. **30 January 2022 [https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2022/01/hope-go-jail-get-book-thrown-deserve-lindsey-graham-susan-collins-buck-trump-vow-persecute-jan-6ers/ reported by TGP] *Actually, what they are saying, is that [[Mike Pence]] did have the right to change the outcome, and they now want to take that right away. Unfortunately, he didn’t exercise that power. '''He could have overturned the election!''' **31 January 2022, at a rally in Conroe Texas, as quoted in “[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/jan/31/donald-trump-mike-pence-overturn-election Quiet part loud: Trump says Pence ‘could have overturned the election’]”, by Martin Pengelly, for ''{{w|The Guardian}}''. ====February 2022==== *I was right and everyone knows it. If there is fraud or large scale irregularities, it would have been appropriate to send those votes back to the legislatures to figure it out. **4 February 2022 per 7 February 2022 report by Reuters [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/pence-says-trump-was-wrong-that-he-could-have-overturned-2020-election-result-2022-02-04/ Pence says Trump was wrong that he could have overturned 2020 election] by Alexandra Ulmer * I went in yesterday and there was a television screen, and I said, 'This is genius.' [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] declares a big portion of the Ukraine, of [[Ukraine]], Putin declares it as independent. Oh, that's wonderful. So Putin is now saying, 'It's independent,' a large section of Ukraine. I said, 'How smart is that?' And he's going to go in and be a peacekeeper. That's the strongest peace force. We could use that on our southern border. That's the strongest peace force I've ever seen. ... Here's a guy who's very savvy. ... I know him very well. Very, very well. ** Said about the Russian invasion of Ukraine, in an interview at The Clay Travis & Buck Sexton Show, as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/23/politics/donald-trump-vladimir-putin-joe-biden/index.html "Trump sides with Putin as Biden tries to stop a war"], CNN, 23 February 2022. * They say, 'Trump said Putin's smart.' I mean, he's taking over a country for two dollars' worth of [[Sanction|sanctions]]. I'd say that's pretty smart. He's taking over a country — really a vast, vast location, a great piece of land with a lot of people, and just walking right in. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/02/24/politics/donald-trump-praises-putin/index.html "Why Donald Trump can't stop praising Vladimir Putin"], CNN, 24 February 2022 ====March 2022==== *They laid down the welcome mat and gave Russia the opening, now Putin may be getting everything he wanted, with Ukraine and the rest of the World suffering the consequences. It’s terrible, but this is what you get with Biden, the Democrats, and RINO warmongers! [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-cxhdzqwssb1663 03/01/22 ] * The vote counter is often more important than the candidate. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-says-gop-needs-tougher-211714688.html "Trump says the GOP needs to get 'tougher' at the ballot box: 'The vote counter is often more important than the candidate'"], yahoo news, 6 March 2022 *Whatever happened to free speech in our Country? Incredibly, but not surprisingly, the Big Tech lunatics have taken down my interview with the very popular NELK Boys so that nobody can watch it or in any way listen to it....In Russia, the people are not allowed to know that they’re fighting a war with Ukraine, that’s where our media is going, and that’s where our Country is going because it quickly follows—just study history.We need freedom of speech again, we don’t have it and it’s getting worse every day! **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-tayryvrzzk1694 Statement by Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States of America 03/11/22] *She owes me nearly $300,000, Now all I have to do is wait for all of the money she owes me. **[https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2022/mar/21/donald-trump-crows-liberal-9th-circuit-court-seals/ Trump crows as liberal 9th Circuit seals victory over Stormy Daniels, Michael Avenatti] *I listen to him constantly using the n-word, that’s the n-word, and he’s constantly using it, the nuclear word. They didn’t attack any other countries under us. I’m the only one where that didn’t happen. And with Bush, they took Georgia, and they took Crimea with Biden and Obama. And now he said ‘to hell with it. Let’s take the whole thing'. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-putin-nuclear-n-word-b2040702.html Trump says Putin keeps using the ‘n-word’ meaning ‘nuclear’ as he claims Russian leader is ‘different’ man to one he dealt with] *Single most dangerous time for our country in history... yet you have people like John Kerry worrying about the climate! The climate! Oh, I heard that the other day. Here we are, [Russian President Vladimir Putin is] threatening us [and] he’s worried about the ocean will rise one-hundredth of one percent over the next 300 fucking’ years. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2022/03/28/two-stark-reminders-about-political-challenge-tackling-climate-change/ Two stark reminders about the political challenge of tackling climate change] *The Left has become so extreme that we now have a justice being nominated to the Supreme Court who testified under oath that she could not say what a woman is, And a party that's unwilling to admit that men and women are biologically different in defiance of all scientific and human history, is a party that should not be anywhere near the levers of power in the United States of America. **[https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/watch-single-most-dangerous-time-trump-blasts-climate-change-crt-and-kbj ‘Single most dangerous time’: Trump blasts climate change, CRT, and KBJ] ====April 2022==== *Happy Easter to all including the Radical Left Maniacs who are trying everything to destroy our country May they not succeed, but let them, nevertheless, be happy, healthy, wealthy and well! **[https://news.yahoo.com/biden-trump-release-very-different-202600019.html Yahoo!] *He went out of his way to deceptively edit an interview and got caught. That is a big story, isn’t it? **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-hm9chvnk6z0 Donald Trump], [https://www.mediaite.com/tv/listen-trump-releases-audio-to-ending-of-doctored-interview-with-fool-piers-morgan/ mediaite] * I think I’m the most honest human being perhaps that god ever created. ** Claimed at an an event in Selma, North Carolina, on April 10, 2022, referred to in [https://www.thelist.com/829709/donald-trump-just-described-himself-in-a-very-unexpected-way/ "Donald Trump Just Described Himself In A Very Unexpected Way"], ''The List'' (April 12, 2022) * But when I didn’t win the election .. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DrQC-oNAeQ Marjorie Taylor Greene & Matt Gaetz NOT HAPPY with Jimmy & Trump FINALLY Admits Defeat] (Apr 11, 2022) (video) * Which would you rather be, a dumb person or a dictator? Perhaps a dictator would be better. I don't want to be a dumb person. ** [https://www.businessinsider.com/trump-rather-be-a-dictator-than-a-dumb-person-video-2022-4?r=US&IR=T Trump says he'd rather be 'a dictator' than 'a dumb person' after bragging about the cognitive test he took in 2018], Business Insider, 22 April 2022 April 2022 ====May 2022==== *With rampant and record setting crime, a 42.8% increase over last year was just announced, and every other unimaginable problem, no wonder everyone is leaving the New York State, including businesses left and right. **[https://www.donaldjtrump.com/news/news-sarvcupgsh1991 Save America] * I am not currently in possession of any Trump Organization-issued phones, computers or similar devices. :I believe the last phone or device I was issued by the Trump Organization was a cellphone in 2015. I no longer have the cellphone in my possession and I am not aware of its current location. :Since January 1, 2010, I previously owned two flip phones and a [[w:Samsung|Samsung]] mobile phone. I do not have the two flips [sic] phones in my possession and I do not know their current whereabouts.” :[Samsung] it was taken from me at some point while I was president. I do not have the Samsung in my possession and I do not know its current whereabouts. :* '''[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/11/trump-fine-contempt-new-york-letitia-james Trump must pay $110,000 fine to purge contempt, judge says]''' (Wed 11 May 2022 18.53 BST) *[[w:Kathy Barnette | Kathy Barnette]] will never be able to win the general election against the radical left democrats. She has many things in her past which have not been properly explained or vetted, but if she is able to do so, she will have a wonderful future in the Republican Party — and I will be behind her all the way ** [[Trump]] according to [https://www.smerconish.com/exclusive-content/pennsylvania-my-primary-concern Pennsylvania: My Primary Concern] (May 14) =====NRA convention speech (May 27, 2022)===== * The existence of evil in our world is not a reason to disarm law-abiding citizens. The existence of evil is one of the very best reasons to arm law-abiding citizens. * Every time a disturbed or demented person commits a hideous crime there is always a grotesque effort by some in our society to advance their own extreme political agenda. ** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2022/may/28/school-shooting-strengthens-case-for-guns-donald-trump-tells-nra "School shooting strengthens case for guns, Donald Trump tells NRA"] ''The Guardian'' (May 28, 2022) * We need a top-to-bottom security overhaul of schools [...] Every building should have a single entry point. No one should ever be able to get near a classroom until they have been checked, scanned and screened ... Above all, from this day forward, every school in America should have an armed police officer or an armed resources officer on duty at all times. [...] Clearly, we need to make it far easier to confine the violent and mentally deranged into mental institutions. ** Speech at the NRA convention, Houston (May 27, 2022), as cited in [https://www.smh.com.au/world/north-america/after-horror-failure-of-uvalde-massacre-business-as-usual-at-nra-meeting-in-houston-20220528-p5ap7y.html "After horror, failure of Uvalde massacre, business as usual at NRA meeting in Houston"] ''The Sydney Morning Herald'' (May 28, 2022) ==== July 2022 ==== * Warmongering and despicable human being [[Liz Cheney]], who is hated by the great people of Wyoming (down 35!), keeps saying, over and over again, that HER Fake Unselect Committee may recommend CRIMINAL CHARGES against a President of the United States who got more votes than any sitting President in history, ** Said about Republican Congress Member Liz Cheney after she mentioned the possibility of raising criminal charges against Trump for his role in connection with the January 6 attack on the Congress of the United States, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2022/07/04/trump-rips-liz-cheney-after-she-suggests-jan-6-charges/ "Trump rips ‘despicable’ Liz Cheney after she suggests Jan. 6 charges for ex-president"], New York Post, 4 July 2022 * Leon’s, I’ll tell you what, Elon, Elon, is not going to buy Twitter. … He’s got himself a mess. He said the other day, ‘Oh, I’ve never voted for a Republican.’ I said, ‘I didn’t know that. He told me he voted for me.’ So, he’s another bullshit artist. But he’s not going to be buying it. ** Claimed about Elon Musk, who later [[w:Acquisition of Twitter by Elon Musk | bought Twitter]]. Quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-alaska-rally-elon-musk-1380402/ "Trump Bashes Elon Musk as ‘Bullshit Artist’ at Alaska Rally"], ''Rolling Stone'' (July 9, 2022) * I feel very confident that, if I decide to run, I’ll win. * In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision, so nothing factors in anymore. In my own mind, I’ve already made that decision. * I made America great again, and I may have to do it again. ** [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/donald-trump-2024-decision.html "Donald Trump on 2024: ‘I’ve Already Made That Decision’ The only question left in the former president’s mind is when he’ll announce"], Intelligencer, 14 July 2022 ==== September 2022 ==== * J.D. is kissing my ass he wants my support so bad. ** Said about [[J.D. Vance]], Republican Senate candidate for Ohio, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html "Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun"], CNN, 20 September 2022 * If you're the president of the United States, you can declassify just by saying it's declassified, even by thinking about it, because you're sending it to Mar-a-Lago or to wherever you're sending it. And there doesn't have to be a process. There can be a process, but it doesn't have to be. ** [https://www.baynews9.com/fl/tampa/politics/2022/09/22/trump--presidents-can-declassify-files-by--thinking-about-it- "Trump: Presidents can declassify files by 'thinking about it'"], Bay News 9, 22 September 2022 ==== October 2022 ==== * They actually taunted him, if you really look at it. Our country, and our so-called leadership, taunted Putin. I said, you know, they're almost forcing him to go in with what they're saying. The rhetoric was so dumb. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-blames-us-almost-forcing-putin-invade-ukraine-1750145/ Trump Blames U.S. for 'Almost Forcing' Putin to Invade Ukraine], Newsweek, 8 October 2022 ==== November 2022 ==== * We're winning big, big, big in the [[Republican Party]] for the nomination like nobody's ever seen before :There it is, Trump at 71 [percent]. [[Ron DeSanctimonious]] at 10 percent. [[Mike Pence]] at 7 — oh, Mike Pence doing better than I thought​. :* [https://nypost.com/2022/11/06/trump-mocks-desantis-as-ron-desanctimonious/ Pompeo jumps to defend DeSantis after Trump's 'Ron DeSanctimonious' comments] (By Mark Moore November 6, 2022 1:41pm Updated) *The Absentee Ballot situation in Detroit is REALLY BAD.<br>People are showing up to Vote only to be told 'sorry, you have already voted.'<br>This is happening in large numbers, elsewhere as well.<br>Protest, Protest, Protest! **8 November 2022 [https://truthsocial.com/embed/109309832870332871 post on TruthSocia] later [https://twitter.com/JocelynBenson/status/1590079320302968832 quoted via screenshot in tweet] by [[Jocelyn Benson]] which was [https://www.yahoo.com/now/trump-amplifies-nonsense-claims-voter-212425641.html quoted by Yahoo News] * Well, I think if they win, I should get all the credit. And if they lose, I should not be blamed at all, OK, but it’ll probably be just the opposite. :* [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/09/us/politics/trump-endorsements-midterms-gop.html Trump Hoped for a Celebration but Did Not Have Much to Cheer] (By By Michael C. Bender and Maggie Haberman November 9, 2022, 2:33 a.m. ET) * [[Ron DeSantis|Ron DeSanctimonious]] is playing games! The Fake News asks him if he's going to run if President Trump runs, and he says, 'I'm only focused on the Governor's race, I'm not looking into the future.' Well, in terms of loyalty and class, that's really not the right answer. ** Adam Carlson, Jay O'Brien, and Katherine Faulders, [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-takes-aim-ron-desantis-suggesting-2024-rival/story?id=93084111 Trump takes aim at Ron DeSantis, suggesting he's a 2024 rival], ''ABC News'' (November 10, 2022). *He shows up with 3 people, two of which I didn’t know, the other a political person who I haven’t seen in years,” the former president wrote on Truth Social. “Fake News went CRAZY!” **29 November 2022 on Truth Social (per [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-kanye-west-nick-fuentes-mar-a-lago-dinner-1234638552/ this article] by Charisma Madarang of Rolling Stone) after [[Kanye West]] showed up for dinner with Boeing employee Jamal and [[Nick Fuentes]] (the two unknowns) and [[Karen Giorno]] (an aide from Trump's 2016 campaign) in a meeting arranged by [[Milo Yiannopoulos]] (who did not attend) via Karen ====December 2022==== * People have been treated unconstitutionally in my opinion and very, very unfairly, and we’re going to get to the bottom of it. ** Comments made concerning rioters involved in the [[2021 United States Capitol attack]] during a fund raising speech cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/02/politics/donald-trump-january-6-rioters-support/index.html "Trump expresses support for Capitol rioters as he continues to embrace extremist groups"] ''CNN Politics'' (December 2, 2022) * Do you throw the Presidential Election Results of 2020 OUT and declare the RIGHTFUL WINNER, or do you have a NEW ELECTION? A Massive Fraud of this type and magnitude allows for the termination of all rules, regulations, and articles, even those found in the Constitution. ** cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/03/politics/trump-constitution-truth-social/index.html "Trump calls for the termination of the Constitution in Truth Social post"] ''CNN Politics'' (December 4, 2022) ===2023=== ====January 2023==== *So an out-of-control wild man kills beautiful Ashli Babbitt, a true Patriot, who was the only one killed on January 6th.<br>Her mother goes to protest her death and memory, and they arrest her mother.<br>Something has to be done about these [[Communism|Communists]] and [[Marxism|Marxists]] that are taking over and destroying our Country.<br>Pray for Ashli, and her wonderful, brave mother! **8 January 2023 [https://gab.com/realdonaldtrump/posts/109655572118634418 gab] *The [[left-wing]] [[gender]] [[insanity]] being pushed on our children is an act of child abuse—very simple. **31 January 2023 [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/trump-attacks-transgender-rights-video-1234671967/ per Rolling Stone] ====February 2023==== * Rihanna gave, without question, the single worst Halftime Show in Super Bowl history—This after insulting far more than half of our Nation, which is already in serious DECLINE, with her foul and insulting language. Also, so much for her ‘Stylist!’ ** [https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2023/02/donald-trump-rihanna-super-bowl-halftime-performance-epic-fail-truth-social "Donald Trump Calls Rihanna's Super Bowl Halftime Performance an 'Epic Fail'"], Vanity Fair, 13 February 2023 ====March 2023==== =====CPAC keynote speech (March 4, 2023)===== <small>CPAC keynote address in National Harbor, Maryland, on March 4, 2023, reported in {{cite web|url=https://www.newsweek.com/five-key-moments-donald-trump-cpac-speech-1785586 |title=Five Key Moments from Donald Trump's Crucial CPAC Speech|first1=Khaleda|last1=Rahman|publisher=Newsweek|date=March 5, 2023}}</small> * I'm the only candidate who can make this promise: I will prevent, and very easily, World War III. * We are never going back to a party that wants to give unlimited money to fight foreign endless wars but demands we cut veteran benefits and retirement benefits at home. * We’re not going back to people that want to destroy our great Social Security system – even some in our own party; I wonder who that might be – who want to raise the minimum age of Social Security to 70, 75 or even 80 in some cases, and who are out to cut Medicare to a level that will be unrecognizable * In 2016, I declared: I am your voice. Today, I add: I am your warrior. I am your justice. And for those who have been wronged and betrayed: I am your retribution. * I will totally obliterate the deep state. I will fire the unelected bureaucrats and shadow forces who have weaponized our justice system like it has never been weaponized before. And I will put the people back in charge of this country again. *This is the final battle – they know it, I know it, you know it, everybody knows it. Either they win, or we win. And I promise you this: If you put me back in the White House, their reign will be over, and America will be a free nation once again. *'''Before I even arrive''' at the Oval Office, I will have the disastrous war between Russia and Ukraine settled.<br>I will get the problem solved.<br>And I will get it solved in rapid order and ''''it will take me no longer than one day''', I know exactly what to say to each of them, I got along very well with Putin. **the [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/04/politics/trump-cpac-speech/index.html March 4th] speech was referenced when this was quoted [https://www.cnn.com/2023/03/07/politics/trump-desantis-ukraine-2024-campaign/index.html March 7th] by Stephen Collinson in a CNN analysis ***Trump later reuses the phrase "before I even arrive at the Oval Office" in [[#June 2024]] in Philadelphia ====April 2023==== *Republicans in Congress should defund the DOJ and FBI until they come to their senses. The Democrats have totally weaponized law enforcement in our country and are viciously using this abuse of power to interfere with our already under siege elections! **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/donald-trump-calls-defunding-federal-police-arrest-new-york-rcna78301 Donald Trump calls for defunding federal police after his arrest in New York] ''Truth Social'' (April 5, 2023) =====NRA convention speech (April 14, 2023)===== * Our country has been chock full of guns for centuries, and there was no talk of [[w:School shooting|massacres of schoolchildren]] until around the year 2000. That's what it really started. They started talking about it. '''This is not a gun problem.''' This is a mental health problem. This is a social problem. This is a cultural problem. This is a spiritual problem. * I will ask Congress to repeal totally ineffective legislation that makes it harder to protect our schools and easier for criminals to face absolutely no opposition when they go in. I will also create a new tax credit to reimburse any teacher for the full costs of a concealed carry firearm and training from highly qualified experts. Who's better? Who's better? '''If even 5% of teachers, people that are skilled with arms, we want that. 5% were voluntarily armed and trained to stop active shooters. We would achieve effective deterrence and the problem would cease to exist.''' ** From a [[National Rifle Association|NRA]] convention speech in Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=97388003ab4443938dba616244ea0117 "Trump calls for arming teachers at NRA convention"] ''AP Newsroom'' (April 15, 2023) * [T]he only way to stop these wicked actions is to '''ensure that any sicko who would shoot up a school knows that within seconds, not minutes, they will face certain death.''' ** Speech at the NRA convention, Indianapolis (April 14, 2023), cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/04/14/trump-pence-nra-2024/ "Trump, in legal peril, draws cheers at NRA convention; Pence draws boos"] ''The Washington Post'' (April 14, 2023) ====May 2023==== *They’re dying, Russians and Ukrainians. '''I want them to stop dying.''' And I’ll have that done — '''I’ll have that done in 24 hours''' **May 2023 at a CNN Town Hall, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-russia-ukraine-war-un-election-a78ecb843af452b8dda1d52d137ca893 2 July 2024 article by Edith M. Lederer for AP News] ==== June 2023 ==== [[File:"TOP SECRET SCI" (Top Secret Sensitive Compartmented Information) cover sheets - from, Classified intelligence material found during search of Mar-a-Lago (cropped).jpg|thumb|I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN!]] * I have been [[Federal prosecution of Donald Trump|summoned to appear at the Federal Courthouse]] in [[Miami]] on Tuesday, at 3 PM. I never thought it [[possible]] that such a thing could happen to a former [[President of the United States]], who received far more [[votes]] than any sitting President in the History of our Country, and is currently leading, by far, all Candidates, both [[Democrat]] and [[Republican]], in Polls of the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 Presidential Election]]. I AM AN [[Innocence|INNOCENT]] MAN! ** Web posting, reported in [https://www.local10.com/news/local/2023/06/08/trump-told-to-appear-in-miami-after-indictment-by-federal-grand-jury-abc-reporting/ "Trump told to appear in Miami after indictment by federal grand jury, ABC reporting" in ''WPLG Local 10'' (8 June 2023)] *'''This is the final battle'''. With you at my side, we will demolish the deep state. expel the warmongers from our government. We will drive out the globalists. We will cast out the Communists, Marxists, and Fascists, and we will throw off the sick political class that hates our country. We will rout the fake news media, and we will defeat crooked Joe Biden. We will liberate America from these villains once and for all. **[https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/06/trump-lists-all-the-villains-he-plans-to-destroy-in-a-second-term Trump told the audience at the Oakland County Republican Party’s Lincoln Day Dinner] *For three years, Biden and his radical left allies have waged war on American auto workers in his ridiculous crusade to force everyone into electric cars, ridiculous regulations kill more than half of US auto jobs and decimate the suppliers that they decimated already, decimate the suppliers and it’s going to decimate your jobs. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2023/06/26/donald-trump-accuses-joe-biden-environmental-extremism/ Telegraph] , [https://www.candgnews.com/news/trump-headlines-oakland-county-republican-party-lincoln-day-dinner-2796 Trump headlines Oakland County Republican Party Lincoln Day Dinner] ====July 2023==== *“Is it Crooked Joe and his wonderful son, Hunter? Release the findings, release the tapes. We can’t have a crackhead in charge of our Nuclear Arsenal!! **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-hunter-biden-cocaine-justice-department-b2373556.html] *… He’s totally compromised...I don’t like doing the same word for two people. We’re using the word crooked for Joe Biden because Joe Biden is the most crooked president in the history. **[https://www.republicworld.com/world-news/us-news/trump-says-he-was-very-kind-to-biden-then-tells-us-president-gloves-are-off-articleshow.html republicworld] *We have potential for a war outside of Ukraine - Russia. We should have kept Bagram because Bagram is one of the largest military bases in the world cost us billions of dollars to build forget about Afghanistan, it's one hour away from where China is building their nuclear weapons. **[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg] *If China takes Taiwan they will turn the world off potentially. **[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ct2Vl-NO6Og] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=OL8NDU16Ex8] [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=TZvpAqhMwdg] *Millions of illegal aliens have stormed across our borders. It is an invasion, like a military invasion. Our rights and liberties are being torn to shreds,Your country is being turned into a third-world hellhole, run by censors, perverts, criminals, and thugs.” **[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/trump-u-s-is-being-turned-into-a-third-world-hellhole-run-by-perverts-and-thugs criminals and perverts] *America is tired of being ruled by radical bureaucrats in Washington the Bidens, the Clintons, the Obamas, the Radical Left Democrats, the Marxists – guys like Paul Ryan and Karl Rove. Their reign will be over, and it will be over quickly, and America will be a free nation once again. **speech [https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-says-hes-the-only-candidate-that-cant-be-owned-or-controlled/] * Think of this. We give them everything, including military protection and trade, and now we have to pay them to go there. As President I will not allow this, will end very quickly. **“U.S. CITIZENS WILL HAVE TO PAY FOR A VISA TO TRAVEL TO EUROPE STARTING IN 2024.” [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110776705512999901] *Gloves are off.Under crooked Joe Biden. I never called him that. I took the name away from Hillary Clinton. We call her beautiful Hillary now.Now it's crooked Joe, because it's a much more appropriate name right now for this man who's just destroying our country. **rally [https://www.newsmax.com/newsmax-tv/donald-trump-july-4-south-carolina/2023/07/01/id/1125653/] *As part of my plan to obtain total independence from China, we will phase in tariffs and import restrictions to bring back production of all essential medicines to the United States of America where they belong. I signed an executive order to begin this process in 2020 but Biden has shamefully failed to follow through. He wants it ended. He wants to take care of China. *[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-promises-to-return-production-of-cancer-drugs-essential-medicines-to-u-s/] *They don’t go after the people who cheated in the election, they only go after the people who report on, or question the cheating if you don't have strong borders you don't have a country, right now we don't have a country. **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781850689911246] *Trumpism or America first is very simple low taxes and regulations , the most powerful military , tariffs on countries taking advantage, protection of section amendment , great healthcare , low energy prices, parental power on school boards, life , strong borders. **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110781828901024566] *I expect nothing from the meeting with my lawyers and the lunatics in the DOJ regarding January 6th. They just want to interfere with the Presidential Election on 2024. It is their new form of cheating, but we will win !!! How can deranged Jack Smith bring a case on January 6th., as ridiculous as it is anyway, when I have already won such a case, and been fully acquitted, in the U.S. Senate? In other words, I was Impeached on this, and won!!! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793264554684917] [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110793284091097891] ====August 2023==== *These monsters, all controlled and coordinated by the DOJ and Radical Left Lunatics, are Criminalizing Political Speech, a total SHUTDOWN OF DEMOCRACY! **Truth Social Post 6:28 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895990420845351] *CROOKED JOE BIDEN IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED BY CHINA, UKRAINE, & VARIOUS OTHER COUNTRIES. THEY KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM - ALL OF HIS MISDEEDS. HE IS A COMPROMISED PRESIDENT WHO IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL. HE IS A MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE! **Truth Social Post 6:20 PM on August 15, 2023.[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110895877441671196] *I believe we have a compromised president. He was bribed, and now he’s being blackmailed. He’s a Manchurian Candidate. That’s why Crooked Joe is letting other countries walk all over the United States. **Truth Social Post on August 15, 2023.[https://links.truthsocial.com/link/110895072887935769] *IMPOSSIBLE to get a fair trial in Washington, D.C., which is over 95% anti-Trump, & for which I have called for a Federal TAKEOVER in order to bring our Capital back to Greatness. It is now a high crime embarrassment to our Nation and, indeed, the World **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110823476578708544 *I AM NOW GOING TO WASHINGTON, D.C., TO BE ARRESTED FOR HAVING CHALLENGED A CORRUPT, RIGGED, & STOLEN ELECTION. IT IS A GREAT HONOR, BECAUSE I AM BEING ARRESTED FOR YOU. Biden and his family steal Millions and Millions of Dollars, including BRIBES from foreign countries, and I’m headed to D.C. to be ARRESTED for protesting a CROOKED ELECTION. UNFAIR VENUE, UNFAIR JUDGE. We are a Nation in Decline. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826519469646840 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110826840688757163 *CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I HAD TO FLY TO A FILTHY, DIRTY, FALLING APART, & VERY UNSAFE WASHINGTON, D.C., TODAY, & THAT I WAS THEN ARRESTED BY MY POLITICAL OPPONENT, WHO IS LOSING BADLY TO ME IN THE POLLS, CROOKED JOE BIDEN, IT WAS A VERY GOOD DAY! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110828062805817649 *A very sad day for America, and it was also very sad driving through Washington, D.C., and seeing the filth and decay and all of the broken buildings and walls and the graffiti. This is not the place that I left. It’s a very sad thing to see it. **https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-tells-reporters-if-you-cant-beat-him-you-persecute-him-or-you-prosecute-him/ *They’re trying to make it illegal to question the results of a bad election…But only a party that cheats in elections would try to make it illegal, on Election Day 2024, we’re going to evict Crooked Joe Biden from the White House…We’re going to expel the criminals and thugs from the halls of power in Washington, D.C. **[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-draws-biggest-crowd-ever-to-alabama-gop-dinner/ Alabama] *We are NOT a free nation, We don’t have a free press. We have a corrupt press. *[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-the-tables-must-turn-and-we-will-quickly-destroy-the-deep-state/ Alabama] *OUR HIGHLY PARTISAN, AND VERY CORRUPT, DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE, COULD HAVE BROUGHT THIS BIDIN “OPPONENT” CASE YEARS AGO, BUT CHOSE TO WAIT AND BRING IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MY ELECTION CAMPAIGN. NO WAY!!! I HOPE YOU ARE WATCHING AMERICA. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110842856814664717 *This will be the single biggest and most important election in the history of our country - maybe in the history of the WORLD. **https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110840001623943794 *The “shocking and totally unexpected” loss by the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team to Sweden is fully emblematic of what is happening to the our once great Nation under Crooked Joe Biden. Many of our players were openly hostile to America - No other country behaved in such a manner, or even close. WOKE EQUALS FAILURE. Nice shot Megan, the USA is going to Hell!! *https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110845290114601452 *WHAT THE DEPARTMENT OF INJUSTICE IS DOING TO ME IS THE SAME THING DONE BY THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES ALL OVER THE WORLD, BUT IT WILL NOT WORK. **https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-explains-why-he-should-not-have-a-protective-order-placed-on-him-by-deranged-jack-smith/ *Let’s see! My political Opponent, Crooked Joe Biden, tells Merrick Garland and the DOJ to indict and arrest me on bogus charges and accusations, trying desperately to steal the Election. But that wasn’t enough! He now wants Thug Prosecutor, Deranged Jack Smith, to file for a Court Order taking away my first amendment rights, SPEECH. So, based on yet another Radical Left Hoax, I’ll be the only “Politician” in American history not allowed to SPEAK. THE NEVER ENDING WITCH HUNT CONTINUES. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110852063479466833 *They just found a letter from Crooked Joe Biden directly to Keven Archer. Oh well, so much for “Joe” not knowing anything about all of the money he extorted. At some point the LameStream Media will have to cover this story, perhaps the biggest scandal in U.S. history. When they do, our Country will start to heal! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110850107581995665 *HOW CAN MY CORRUPT POLITICAL OPPONENT PUT ME ON TRIAL(S) DURING A CAMPAIGN THAT I AM WINNING (BY A LOT!), BUT FORCING ME TO SPEND TIME AND MONEY AWAY FROM THE “CAMPAIGN TRAIL” IN ORDER TO FIGHT BOGUS ACCUSATIONS & CHARGES? IS THIS GOING TO BE THE FUTURE OF ELECTIONS IN AMERICA? CAN A PRESIDENT ORDER HIS DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE TO INDICT AN OPPONENT JUST PRIOR TO AN ELECTION? **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110849582956879248 *Just found out that Crooked Joe Biden’s DOJ secretly attacked my Twitter account, making it a point not to let me know about this major “hit” on my civil rights. My Political Opponent is going CRAZY trying to infringe on my Campaign for President. Nothing like this has ever happened before. Does the First Amendment still exist? Did Deranged Jack Smith tell the Unselects to DESTROY & DELETE all evidence? **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110860965885418709 *It’s not like the State or Country is coming down on me. It’s a dishonest politician and his gang of Thugs breaking the law in order to get re-elected. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110859441854770499 *So now that I have full Subpoena Power because of the Freedom of Speech Sham Indictment by Crooked Joe Biden, Deranged Jack Smith, and the DOJ, it has just been reported that the Unselect January 6th Committee of Political Hacks and Thugs has illegally destroyed their Records and Documents. This is unthinkable, and the Fake Political Indictment against me must be immediately withdrawn. The system is Rigged & Corrupt, very much like the Presidential Election of 2020. We are a Nation in Decline. **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110857162338915853 *Thousands of veterans were put on secret medial wait lists and many of them were left to die, All of that changed when WE arrived at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. **https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-lays-out-exemplary-agenda-that-will-restore-hope-and-care-to-americas-veterans/ *Whenever more Biden corruption is exposed his henchmen charge me with a crime. **https://truthsocial.com/@RSBN/posts/110855681234356104 *I think that Crooked Joe Biden is not only dumb and incompetent, I believe he has gone MAD, a stark raving Lunatic, with his HORRIBLE AND COUNTRY THREATENING ENVIRONMENTAL, OPEN BORDERS, & DOJ/FBI WEAPONIZATION POLICIES. HE IS A MENTAL CATASTROPHE THAT IS LEADING OUR COUNTRY TO HELL!What Crooked Joe Biden, who can’t string two sentences together, has done to our once great Country through his Open Borders CATASTROPHE, may go down as the greatest and most damaging mistake ever made in USA HISTORY. It is not even believable that such incompetence and stupidity could have been allowed to happen. OUR COUNTRY IS BEING DESTROYED BY A MAN WITH THE MIND, IDEAS, AND I.Q. OF A FIRST GRADER. THIS INVASION OF OUR COUNTRY MUST STOP IMMEDIATELY. IT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865224814637476 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110865185229848140 *The Fake Indictments against me didn’t come down from heaven, they came from the most corrupt President in the history of the United States, Crooked Joe Biden, in order to Rig & Steal another Election. **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110867274500411944] *Why is “Phoney” (Like in PERFECT “PHONE” CALL, get it?) Fani Willis, the severely underperforming D.A. of Fulton County who is being accused of having an “affair” with a Gang Member of a group that she is prosecuting, leaking my name in regard to a Grand Jury pertaining to Election Fraud & Irregularities that I say took place in Georgia. I made a PERFECT PHONE CALL OF PROTEST. What does Phoney Fani have to do with me? She should instead focus on the record number of murders in Atlanta! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882230702522121 *The only Election Interference that took place in Fulton County, Georgia, was done by those that Rigged and Stole the Election, not by me, who simply complained that the Election was Rigged and Stolen. We have Massive and Conclusive Proof, if the Grand Jury would like to see it. Unfortunately, the publicity seeking D.A. isn’t interested in Justice, or this evidence. Also, as in Manhattan, the corrupt DOJ is pushing hard trying to keep Biden in Office. The whole system is dishonest and broken! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/110882321735123573 *To say no comment is oftentimes fine, but to be smiling when you say it, especially again such a tragedy as this, is absolutely horrible and unacceptable, Our government was not prepared. And very importantly, the aftermath is going very poorly with the governor of the island wanting to do nothing but blame it on global warming, and other things that just happen to pop into his head. **https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4152554-trump-bidens-response-to-maui-fires-disgraceful/ *“Hey, I’m running against a guy, I’m going to Indict him 3 or 4 times to keep him busy.” Does anyone think that Crooked Joe Biden would have said something like this??? **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110914172490735501 *David Rivkin, a highly respected Constitutional law scholar, just clearly stated that I have “Constitutionally-based immunity” and “absolute immunity! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918895000463495 *Why should Crooked Joe Biden be able to force me into the time and expense of trials, especially before the Election, on bogus claims pushed by his chief political supporter, The Department of Injustice? What a horrible precedent this sets for future Presidential campaigns. Crooked Joe Biden’s only campaign strategy is Indicting me, going on extended vacations, and Sleep, Sleep, Sleep!!! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918860464876718 https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110918173717605996 *I easily won the Great State of Georgia in 2016, did a fantastic job, as President, for Georgia and the entire USA, received 10 Million more votes than I got, nationwide, in 2016, got by far the most votes in history for a sitting President, but shockingly, “LOST” Georgia. All this despite winning nearby Alabama and South Carolina in Record Setting Landslides. Why did Georgia officials agree to, and sign, the one sided Consent Decree? Does anybody really believe I lost Georgia? I DON’T! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/110916681777676824 ====September 2023==== *MINORITY VOTERS ARE ABANDONING CROOKED JOE BIDEN & THE DEMOCRAT PARTY FOR “TRUMP.” THANK YOU, A VERY WISE DECISION! **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/1110151303435539041 *It is all a shadow of its former self. Ukraine, Inflation, Bad Economy, Woke Military, No World Standing, No Respect, and today, 6 Billion Dollars for hostages. Where is the call from Republicans for the 25th Amendment. **Truth social *Can you believe that Crooked Joe Biden is giving $6 Billion to the terrorist regime in Iran? That money be used for terrorism all over the Middle East, and, indeed, the World. This incompetent FOOL is absolutely destroying America He had the audacity to announce this terrible deal today, September 11th. To pay for hostages will lead to kidnapping, ransom, and blackmail against Americans across the globe So, lets get this straight! We did a hostage TRADE with Iran. We gave them 5 very tough, smart people that they desperately wanted. We likewise got back 5 people BUT, we also gave them 6 BILLION DOLLARS! How much of a kickback does Crooked Joe Biden get Does anyone realize how much money 6 Billion Dollars is? When I was President, I got back 58 hostages for ZERO money. Remember Pastor Brunson? It sets a TERRIBLE precedent. Republicans, call out the 25th Amendment, NOW! Biden is INCOMPETENT **https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/4199317-trump-rips-biden-for-release-of-6b-in-iranian-funds/ *Early in the administration Education department will be closing . we spend more money on education than any other country yet we are bottom of every list. **[https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=ojRde4zCYd0 Truth social] *Biden’s job killing EV mandate has dictated that nearly seven percent of all cars sold in the US must be fully electric in less than 10 years. Crooked Joe Biden is back like a wretched old vulture. **[https://www.rsbnetwork.com/news/trump-crooked-joe-biden-is-back-like-a-wretched-old-vulture-trying-to-finish-off-his-prey/] *[[Mark Milley]], who led perhaps the most embarrassing moment in American history with his grossly incompetent implementation of the withdrawal from Afghanistan, costing many lives, leaving behind hundreds of American citizens, and handing over BILLIONS of dollars of the finest military equipment ever made, will be leaving the military next week. This will be a time for all citizens of the USA to celebrate! This guy turned out to be a Woke train wreck who, if the Fake News reporting is correct, was actually dealing with China to give them a heads up on the thinking of the President of the United States. This is an act so egregious that, in times gone by, the punishment would have been DEATH! A war between China and the United States could have been the result of this treasonous act. To be continued!!! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/111111513207332826 Truth social] * Nobody has any idea where these people are coming from. And we know they come from prisons. We know they come from mental institutions, insane asylums. We know they're terrorists. Nobody has seen anything like we're witnessing right now. It is a very sad thing for our country. It's poisoning the blood of our country. It's so bad. ** ''The National Pulse'' interview, quoted in {{cite web |date=2023-10-17 |title=Trump - "Migrants Poisoning the Blood of Our Country" |work=Meidas Touch |url=https://www.meidastouch.com/:section/trump-migrants-poisoning-the-blood-of-our-country }} ====October 2023==== *We will immediately stop all of the pillaging and theft. Very simply: If you rob a store, you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store... Shot! The word that they shoot you will get out within minutes and our nation, in one day, will be an entirely different place. There must be retribution for theft and destruction and the ruination of our country **2 October 2023 in [https://nypost.com/2023/10/02/trump-calls-for-shoplifters-to-be-shot-to-save-the-nation/ NY Post] *I had a wonderful life before all this stuff. I '''didn't know what a grand jury was''', I didn't know what a subpoena, '''what is a subpoena'''? I had a wonderful life. **5 October 2023 in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1uPUfVrb74&t=842s spoken interview] * lowlife with a very small brain and a very big mouth * by far the dumbest of my military people * incapable of doing a good job * It was too much for him, and I couldn’t stand the guy, so I fired him like a ‘dog’ ** Claimed about John Kelly, retired U.S. Marine Corps general, former Chief of Staff for Donald Trump, and before that US Homeland Security Secretary, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2023/oct/05/donald-trump-john-kelly-comments-military-veterans "‘Lowlife with small brain and big mouth’: Trump hits out at ex-aide Kelly"], ''The Guardian'' (October 5, 2023) * There’s a man, Viktor Orbán, did anyone ever hear of him? He’s probably, like, one of the strongest leaders anywhere in the world. He’s the leader of Turkey. **24 October 2023 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-confuses-turkish-and-hungarian-leaders-orban-erdogan/ "Trump praises Hungary’s ‘Viktor Orbán’ as great ‘leader of Turkey’"], ''Politico'' ==== November 2023 ==== * We pledge to you that we will root out the Communists, Marxists, Fascists, and Radical Left Thugs that live like vermin within the confines of our Country, lie, steal, and cheat on Elections, and will do anything possible, whether legally or illegally, to destroy America, and the American Dream. The threat from outside forces is far less sinister, dangerous, and grave, than the threat from within. Despite the hatred and anger of the Radical Left Lunatics who want to destroy our Country, we will MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/politics/donald-trump-fascist-vermin/ "The “Is Donald Trump a Fascist?” Debate Has Been Ended—by Donald Trump"], ''The Nation'' (November 14, 2023) ====December 2023==== *: ''Sean Hannity:'' Under no circumstances, you are promising America tonight, you would never abuse power as retribution against anybody? *:''Donald Trump:'' Except for day one. *: ''Sean Hannity:'' Except for— *: ''Donald Trump:'' ''[aside to audience, pointing at Sean]'' He's doing great. ''[to Sean]'' Except for day one. I want to close the border and I want to drill, drill, drill. * We love this guy. He says, "You’re not going to be a dictator, are ya?" I said: "No, no, no, other than day one. We're closing the border, and we're drilling, drilling, drilling. After that, I'm not a dictator." **5 December 2023 in Davenport, Iowa town hall, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-05 |title=Trump to Hannity on Whether He’ll Abuse Power as President: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ |periodical=Rolling Stone |url=https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/donald-trump-hannity-iowa-town-hall-1234917385/ }} * They let — I think the real number is 15, 16 million people into our country. When they do that, we got a lot of work to do.<br>They're poisoning the '''blood of our country''', that's what they've done.<br>They poison mental institutions and prisons all over the world, not just in South America, not just to three or four countries that we think about, but all over the world. They're coming into our country from Africa, from Asia, all over the world. **16 December 2023 in Durham, New Hampshire rally, quoted in {{cite news |date=2023-12-17 |title=Trump says immigrants are 'poisoning the blood of our country.' Biden campaign likens comments to Hitler. |periodical=NBC News |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-immigrants-are-poisoning-blood-country-biden-campaign-liken-rcna130141 }} *ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION IS POISONING THE BLOOD OF OUR NATION **17 December 2023 per [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-poisoning-blood-quote-fascism-b2465618.html Alex Woodward article in The Independent] on Trumps TruthSocial account after leaving New Hampshire ===2024=== ====January 2024==== *Even if you vote and then pass away, it's worth it. **14 January 2024 per [https://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-worth-it-sick-vote-iowa-caucus-pass-away-2024-1 Business Insider] and [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2024/01/15/donald-trump-vote-pass-away-iowa-caucus-vpx.cnn CNN] *“We’re going to place strong protections to stop banks and regulators from trying to debank you from your—our political beliefs what they do. They want to debank you. We’re going to debank—think of this. They want to take away your country. Electric cars... They wanna take away your rights. They wanna take away your country. The things they’re doing. All [[Electric vehicles|electric cars]]. Give me a break. If you want an electric car, great. But they don’t go far. They’re very expensive. They gotta be made in China. That’s why I think I’m gonna get the autoworkers to vote for Trump. You know, we’re having great, great talks. But think of what they wanna do. They wanna take away your rights.” **17 January 2024 at a campaign rally in New Hampshire, reported by several sources.<ref name="evdb">{{Cite web |website={{w|The Daily Beast}} |date=2024-01-21 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |title=We Need an Interpreter to Work Out Trump’s ‘Debanking’ Rant |department=The New Abnormal |url=https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trumps-debanking-rant-in-new-hampshire-and-electric-cars-makes-no-sense}}</ref><ref name="evmed">{{Cite web |url=https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/huh-trump-declares-they-wanna-de-bank-you-and-we-re-going-to-de-bank/ar-AA1n9KYV |title=Huh? Trump Declares, ‘They Wanna De-Bank You and We’re Going to De-Bank’ |first=Michael |last=Luciano |date=2024-01-18 |accessdate=2024-01-21 |website={{w|Mediaite}}}}</ref> * There is a great man, a great leader in Europe — [[Viktor Orbán|Viktor Orban]] [...] He is the Prime Minister of [[Hungary]]. He is a very great leader, a very strong man. Some people don't like him because he's too strong. **20 January 2024 at a rally in Manchester, New Hampshire, as cited in [https://news.yahoo.com/trump-hails-hungarian-pm-orban-162500247.html "Trump hails Hungarian PM Orban as 'great leader' and 'strong man'], ''Yahoo! News,'' reproduced from The New Voice of Ukraine (21 January 2024) * We have become a drug infested, crime ridden nation which is incapable of solvin’ even the sollest smallest problem. The simplest of problems, we can no longer solve. We can’t do anything. We are an institute in a powerful death penalty. We will put this on. ** [https://www.indy100.com/video/donald-trump-incoherent-sentence-video "Trump utter's incoherent sentence about US not solving 'sollest smallest problem'"], ''Indy 100'' (January 23, 2024) *You know, I had an uncle. He's the longest-serving professor, Doctor John Trump, in the history of MIT, with same genes—we have genes, we're smart people, we're smart people... We're like race—Mr. Lieutenant Governor—we're like racehorses, too. You know, the fast ones produce the fast ones, and the slow ones doesn't work out so well, right? But we're no different in that sense. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-migrants-bad-genes-1965004 January 2024] ====March 2024==== *There's a lot of good and there's a lot of bad with TikTok, but the thing I don't like is that without TikTok, you're going to make Facebook bigger, and I consider Facebook to be an enemy of the people, along with a lot of the media. I'm not looking to make Facebook double the size. I think Facebook has been very bad for our country. **11 March 2024 per [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-reversal-tiktok-ban-says-facebook-enemy-of-people/ CBS article by Jacob Rosen] * They call it BleachBit, but it’s essentially acid that will destroy everything, you know, within ten miles. **13 March 2024 about a computer software program, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/trump-still-seems-to-think-hillary-clinton-used-acid-to-delete-emails "Trump STILL Seems to Think Hillary Clinton Used Acid to Delete Emails"], ''The Daily Beast'' * People who are coming from parts unknown, countries that you’ve never heard of. Languages that nobody in this country speaks. We don’t even have teachers of some of these languages. Who would think that we have languages that are like from the planet Mars? Nobody, nobody, knows how to, you know, speak it. **25 March 2024 [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-out-of-this-world-claim_n_65e6de3ee4b0170871fb9275 "Donald Trump Dragged To The Moon Over New Interplanetary Dog Whistle"], ''Huffington Post'' ====April 2024==== *I called [Bill Bar] him ‘Weak, Slow Moving, Lethargic, Gutless, and Lazy,Based on the fact that I greatly appreciate his wholehearted Endorsement, I am removing the word ‘Lethargic’ from my statement. **25 April 2024 per [https://web.archive.org/web/20240426044532/https://gazette.com/news/wex/bill-barr-endorses-trump-despite-past-criticism/article_1c59037c-c234-5540-be2e-8a5e59bf3ad9.html archive of The Gazette] ====May 2024==== *These people are running a Gestapo administration,And it’s the only thing they have. And it’s the only way they’re going to win in their opinion. Once I got indicted, I said well, now the gloves have to come off,If you care too much, you tend to choke. And in a way, I don’t care. It’s just you know, life is life. **4 May 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-biden-administration-gestapo-private-donor-event-rcna150743 NBC writers] Burns/Brooks/Sonnier/Gomez/Terkel * We will make [[America]] ''[[powerful]]'' again. <br /> We will make America ''[[wealthy]]'' again. <br /> We will make America ''[[strong]]'' again. <br /> We will make America [[proud]] again. <br /> We will make America ''[[safe]]'' again. <br /> ''We will make America [[great]] again!'' ** [https://www.instagram.com/realdonaldtrump/reel/C7Z3M8Kudxd/?hl=en Presidential campaign slogans, Bronx, NY (25 May 2024)] * If he wins, our country is going to be destroyed. * He’s a demented tyrant. ** Claimed about President of the United States of America Joe Biden, quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ "The Politics of Fear Itself"], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024) * Our cities are choking to death. Our states are dying. And frankly, our country is dying. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/05/politics-fear-itself-trump-maga/678311/ "The Politics of Fear Itself"], ''The Atlantic'' (May 7, 2024) *I have been indicted more than the great Al Capone, on bullshit. **11 May 2024 per [https://www.insidernj.com/trump-delusionary-in-new-jersey/ InsiderNJ] writer Max Pizarro * Has anyone ever seen ''[[The Silence of the Lambs (film)|The Silence of the Lambs]]''? The late, great Hannibal Lecter. He's a wonderful man. He oftentimes would have a friend for dinner. **11 May 2024 from a speech in Wildwood, N.J. per [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/05/13/trump-hannibal-lecter-immigration/ Washington Post], as cited 16 May 2024 in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/05/16/opinion/donald-trump-hannibal-lecter.html "When Donald Trump Met Hannibal Lecter"], ''The New York Times'' *I know we won (Minnesota) in 2020. We've got to be careful. We've got to watch those votes. ** 17 May 2024 during an address to the Minnesota Republican Party's annual Lincoln-Reagan Dinner in St. Paul per [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/05/18/donald-trump-minnesota-election/73747544007/ Donald Trump falsely tells supporters he won Minnesota in 2020], ''USA Today'' *'''Before I even arrive at the Oval Office''', shortly after we win the presidency, I will have the horrible war between Russia and Ukraine settled, and we will restore, as we had just four years ago, peace through strength. They respected our country and they respected your President. **18 May 2024 in Dallas, Texas in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sgl06asFsXc speech to NRA aired on Fox], transcribed [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/donald-trump-speaks-at-nra-convention 20 May 2024] ***Trump had previously used the "before I even arrive at the Oval Office" phrase in [[#May 2023]] and would again use it in Philadelphia the following month in [[#June 2024]] *And if you vote for me, on Day One, I will commute the sentence of [[Ross Ulbricht]] **20 May 2024 (Saturday night) at Libertarian National Convention, reported in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/05/25/trump-commute-ross-ulbricht-sentence-libertarian-convention-00160025 25 May 2024 article] by Peter Shaefer of Politico *It boiled down to something that was very beautiful, the way it happened, and I got along with him very well.<br>He respected me, I respected him.<br>Very smart guy, very strong guy **28 May 2024 about Kim Jong-Un, dictator in North Korea, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/181993/trump-brags-beautiful-relationship-cruel-dictator-kim-jong-un "Watch: Trump’s Disgusting Praise for “Beautiful” Bond with Kim Jong Un"], ''New Republic'' *We have a country that’s in big trouble, but this was a rigged decision right from day one, with a conflicted judge who should have never been allowed to try this case, And we’ll keep fighting we’ll fight till the end and we’ll win because our country has gone to hell. We don’t have the same country anymore. We have a divided mess. We’re a nation in decline, serious decline, millions and millions of people pouring into our country right now, from prisons and from mental institutions terrorists, and they’re taking over our country, real verdict would come in November. **30 May 2024 from [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-reaction-guilty-verdict-new-york-criminal-trial/ Melissa Quinn of CBS] and [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-jury-reaction-hush-money-trial-b2554187.html Ariana Baio of The Independent] * Our witnesses were literally crucified by this man who looks like an angel, but he is really a devil. **31 May 2024 [https://x.com/Acyn/status/1796560554359996767 tweet by Acyn] shows footage of Trump saying this about Judge [[Juan Merchan]], after Trump was found guilty in concealing payment of hush money to adult film performer Stormy Daniels, cited in [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-ridiculed-over-literally-crucified-trial-witness-claim_uk_665c277be4b00474bee95ad7 "Social Media Mocks Trump's Claim That Trial Witnesses Were 'Literally Crucified'"], ''Huffington Post'' (June 02, 2024) ====June 2024==== *Don’t forget, if it weren’t me, they’d be going after somebody else. And I know a lot of the competition, They wouldn’t be doing so well right now. They’d be saying, ‘Mommy, take me home, I want to go home. **2 June 2024 cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/06/02/trump-biden-heat-2024-elections-00161168 Politico article] by Mia McCarthy *Wouldn't it be terrible to throw the President's wife and the former Secretary of State into jail? Wouldn't that be a terrible thing? But they wanna do it! It's a terrible, terrible, path that they're leading us to & it's very possible that it's going to have to happen to them. **5 June 2024 per [https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/trump-suggests-political-opponents-could-face-prosecution/ NewsNationNow article] by Brett Samuels of The Hill *[<i>Rachel Campos-Duffy:</i>] Would you declassify the 9/11 files?<br>[<i>Donald Trump:</i>] Yeah.<br>[<i>Campos-Duffy:</i>] Would you declassify the JFK files?<br>[<i>Trump:</i>] Yeah. I did a lot of it.<br>[<i>Campos-Duffy:</i>] Would you declassify the Epstein files?<br>[<i>Trump:</i>] Yeah. Yeah, I would. I guess I would. I think that less so because, you know, you don't know — you don't want to affect people's lives if it's phony stuff in there, because it's a lot of phony stuff with that whole world. **During an appearance on Fox & Friends Weekend, quoted in [https://www.hindustantimes.com/world-news/us-news/donald-trump-panics-when-asked-if-hed-declassify-epstein-documents-netizens-wonder-what-is-he-afraid-of-101717671792541.html Donald Trump ‘panics’ when asked if he'd declassify Epstein documents, netizens wonder ‘what is he afraid of?’] ''Hindustan Times'' (June 6, 2024)[https://www.rev.com/transcripts/donald-trump-interview-on-the-will-cain-show] *Those J6 warriors — they were warriors — but they were really, more than anything else, they’re victims of what happened... All they were doing is protesting a rigged election. That’s what they were doing. **9 June 2024 [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4713140-trump-calls-j6-defendants-warriors/ "Trump calls Jan. 6 defendants ‘warriors’"] * I don't care about you. I just want your vote. **10 June 2024 [https://lamag.com/politics/i-dont-care-about-you-i-just-want-your-vote-trump-says-at-his-latest-rally "Trump to Nevada: ’I Don't Care About You... I Just Want Your Vote’"], Los Angeles Magazine * So I said, ‘Let me ask you a question. Nobody ever asked this question. And it must be because of MIT. My relationship to MIT. Very smart. I say, What would happen if the boat sank from its weight? And you’re in the boat and you have this tremendously powerful battery, and the battery is now underwater, and there’s a shark that’s approximately 10 yards over there. By the way, a lot of shark attacks lately. You notice that? A lot of shark. I watch some guys justifying it today. ‘Well, they weren’t really that angry. They bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were — they were not hungry, but they misunderstood what - who she was.’ These people are crazy. ‘There’s no problem with sharks. They just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming. No really got decimated and other people too, a lot of shark attacks. So I said, ‘So there’s a shark 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards or here. Do I get electrocuted? If the boat is sinking, water goes over the battery, the boat is sinking. Do I stay on top of the boat and get electrocuted? Or do I jump over by the shark and not get electrocuted? ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of electric current coming through that water.’ But you know what I’d do if there was a shark or you get electrocuted? I’ll take electrocution every single time. I’m not getting near the shark! **10 June 2024 [https://newrepublic.com/post/182494/cognitive-decline-trump-rant-batteries "Cognitive Decline? Trump Short-Circuits During Bonkers Rant"], The New Republic *before I even arrive at the Oval Office, shortly after we win the presidency **22 June 2024 rally in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, quoted in a 2 July 2024 [https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/07/02/nato-second-trump-term-00164517 Politico article] by Michael Hirsh ***Trump had previously used the phrase "before I even arrive at the Oval Office" in [[#March 2023]], and also used it in a May 2024 speech to the NRA the previous month *I'm not rambling. **23 June 2024 [https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/his-brains-are-pudding-internet-mocks-trump-for-incoherent-defense-of-rambling-rant/ar-BB1oHYc9?item=flightsprg-tipsubsc-v1a?loadin=defaultbrowser "'His brains are pudding': Internet mocks Trump for 'incoherent' defense of 'rambling' rant"], MSN *But I will tell you that would have never happened [if I was president]. Ukraine would have never happened. The israeli attack would have never happened and inflation would have never happened. Those are three big things. Inflation would have never happened.<br>No, I wouldn't support a national ban [on abortion]. No, I would not. **20 June 2024 [https://deepcast.fm/episode/46167/in-conversation-with-president-trump#quotes/ "In conversation with President Trump", on All-In with Chamath, Jason, Sacks & Friedberg, found on DeepCast] * I want you to remember what they did to me. They tortured me in the Fulton County Jail, and TOOK MY MUGSHOT. So guess what? I put it on a mug for the WHOLE WORLD TO SEE! **24 June 2024 [https://www.newsmax.com/newsfront/donald-trump-georgia-fundraising/2024/06/24/id/1169939/ "Trump Fundraising Email: I Was 'Tortured' in Jail"], Newsmax * If I took this shirt off, you would see a beautiful beautiful person. But you would see wounds all over. I’ve taken a lot of wounds I can tell you. More than I suspect any president ever. **24 June 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-talks-taking-off-105630724.html "Donald Trump Talks About Taking Off His Shirt To Show 'Wounds.' Internet Can't Even."], Yahoo News *Israel is the one. And you should let them go and let them go finish the job. He doesn’t want to do it. He’s become like a Palestinian, but hey, don’t like him because he’s a very bad Palestinian. He’s a weak one. **27 June 2024 per [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4744809-donald-trump-joe-biden-debate-palestine-israel/ The Hill article] by Brett Samuels *If we had a real president, a president that knew -- that was respected by Putin ... he would have never invaded Ukraine. **27 June 2024 debate with Joe Biden, cited [https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-he-can-end-the-russia-ukraine-war-in-one-day-russia-s-un-ambassador-says-he-can-t-1.6947744 1 July 2024] by Edith Lederer *I really don't know what he said at the end of that sentence. I don't think he knows what he said either. **About Joe Biden. [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4744753-trump-jabs-biden-really-dont-know-what-he-said/ Presidential debate], June 27, 2024 ====July 2024==== * I know nothing about [[Project 2025]]. * I disagree with some of the things they’re saying and some of the things they’re saying are absolutely ridiculous and abysmal. ** Claimed on July 5, 2024, quoted in: ::* [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/11/politics/trump-allies-project-2025/index.html "Trump claims not to know who is behind Project 2025. A CNN review found at least 140 people who worked for him are involved"], ''CNN'' (July 11, 2024) ::* [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/russell-vought-project-2025-centre-for-climate-reporting_n_66be3e85e4b04090eac4512c "Project 2025 Co-Author Says Donald Trump ‘Very Supportive Of What We Do’"], ''Huffington Post'' (August 15, 2024) *It was God alone who prevented the unthinkable from happening...In this moment, it is more important than ever that we stand United, and show our True Character as Americans, remaining Strong and Determined, and not allowing Evil to Win **14 July 2024 [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/it-was-god-alone-who-prevented-the-unthinkable-trump-on-assassination-attempt-6104182 per NDTV] *By luck or by God, many people are saying it’s by God I’m still here.<br>The agents hit me so hard that my shoes fell off, and my shoes are tight.<br>I had all prepared an extremely tough speech, really good, all about the corrupt, horrible administration. But I threw it away. I want to try to unite our country. **14 July 2024 cited by [https://nypost.com/2024/07/14/us-news/grateful-defiant-trump-recounts-surreal-assassination-attempt-at-rally-im-supposed-to-be-dead/ NY Post] writer Michael Goodwin and [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/15/trump-assassination-attempt-rnc-speech-00168251 Politico] writer Isabella Ramirez * Kamala even wants to pass laws to outlaw RED MEAT to stop climate change. * You know what that means? That means no more cows. * I guess eventually she’s gonna mean no more people. Right? No more people. ** Claimed on July 25, 2024, without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-kamala-harris-does-not-want-to-ban-red-meat-as-trump-keeps-falsely-claiming-204515645.html "Fact check: ​​Kamala Harris does not want to ban red meat as Trump keeps falsely claiming"], ''Yahoo News'' (August 1, 2024) * And then the [Kamala Harris] campaign says, 'I'm the prosecutor and he is the convicted felon.' **25 July 2024 [https://www.comicsands.com/harris-trump-ad-prosecutor-felon-2668815011.html# "Kamala Harris Uses 6-Second Clip Of Trump Telling The Truth About Her Campaign In New Ad—And It's Gold"], ''Comic Sands'' *They say something happened to me when I got shot. I became nice.<br>If you don't mind, I'm not going to be nice. Is that okay?<br>If border czar Harris is in charge, every week they'll bring in a neverending stream of illegal aliens, rapists, blood thirsty killers, child murderers to go after our sons and our daughters.<br>Everything Kamala touches turns into a total disaster. **25 July 2024 claims about US Vice President [[Kamala Harris]] at a sports arena in Charlotte, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13664627/donald-trump-Charlotte-north-carolina-kamala-harris.html "Donald Trump turns his attention to 'radical left lunatic' Kamala Harris in first rally since Biden dropped out"], ''Daily Mail'' *We have a new victim now, Kamala. A brand new victim, and honestly she’s a radical left lunatic. When you find out about her, all I have to say is defund the police,Three months ago, she was thought of so badly, [the media] were just killing her. And now they’re trying to make her into a, let’s say, Margaret Thatcher. I don’t think so. It’s not going to happen. Margaret Thatcher didn’t laugh like that. Did she? **27 July 2024 in [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/07/27/trump-harris-minnesota-rally-shooting-00171526 Politico article] by Myah Ward *I pledge to the bitcoin community, that the day I take the oath of office, Joe Biden and Kamala Harris’ anti-crypto crusade will be over. On day one, I will fire Gary Gensler. **date unknown, [https://www.ft.com/content/03e8e1d2-4244-4eba-9248-9bbd8d1b0090 Financial Times article] *You won't have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what, it will be fixed, it will be fine, you won't have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians...I love you Christians. I'm a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. '''In four years, you don't have to vote again, we'll have it fixed so good you're not going to have to vote.''' **27 July 2024 in a speech to Turning Point Action in West Palm Beach, Florida, quote from the Reuters article [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-tells-christians-they-wont-have-vote-after-this-election-2024-07-27/ "Trump tells Christians they won't have to vote after this election"] by Tim Reid *I thought she was a little younger, but she's 60 **29 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, cited in [https://www.rawstory.com/donald-trump-2668835186/ "She'll 'destroy the country': Trump rambles about Kamala Harris in new Fox News interview"], ''RawStory'' ***Kamala Harris was born 20 October 1964 so would not turn sixty until 20 October 2024, two weeks prior to the upcoming election - she was actually 59 years 9 months old when he said this *I’m not so sure which is better. But she either likes or loves me. And that’s nice. **30 July 2024 about his wife Melania Trump, cited in [https://www.mercurynews.com/2024/07/30/trump-thinks-melania-either-likes-or-loves-him-following-assassination-attempt/ "Trump thinks Melania ‘either likes or loves’ him following assassination attempt"], ''Mercury News'' * Perverts and losers **30 July 2024 describing members of the Lincoln Project, an organisation of moderate conservatives who oppose Trump and trumpism. Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rages-republicans-campaigning-lincoln-project-1849509 "Donald Trump Rages at Republicans Campaigning Against Him"], ''Newsweek'' * She doesn’t like Jewish people. You know it, I know it and everybody knows it and nobody wants to say it. **30 July 2024 claimed about US Vice President Kamala Harris, who is married to a Jewish husband. Quoted in [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/trump-claims-harris-doesnt-like-jews-seems-to-agree-with-calling-her-husband-a-crappy-jew/ "Trump claims Harris ‘doesn’t like Jews,’ seems to agree with calling her husband ‘a crappy Jew’"], ''Times of Israel'' * If you are Jewish, regardless of Israel, if you’re Jewish, if you vote for a Democrat, you’re a fool, an absolute fool. **30 July 2024 [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-agrees-with-radio-host-who-calls-doug-emhoff-a-crappy-jew "Trump Agrees With Radio Host Who Calls Emhoff a ‘Crappy Jew’"], ''The Daily Beast'' * So I've known her a long time - indirectly, not directly very much - and she was always of Indian heritage. And she was only promoting Indian heritage. I didn't know she was Black until a number of years ago when she happened to turn Black. And now she wants to be known as Black. So I don't know, is she Indian or is she Black? **31 July 2024 about Kamala Harris, whose mother was a biologist from India and father is an emeritus professor of economics at Stanford University, originating from Jamaica. Quoted in [https://www.nbcchicago.com/dnc-chicago-2024/all-of-a-sudden-trump-tells-black-journalists-in-chicago-that-kamala-harris-turned-black/3507125/ "‘All of a sudden': Trump tells Black journalists in Chicago Kamala Harris ‘turned Black'"], ''NBC Chicago'' * I don't want pronouns. **31 July 2024 [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/donald-trump-gets-basic-english-123624171.html "Donald Trump Gets Basic English Lesson After Ridiculous Comment About His ‘Pronouns’"], ''Huffington Post / Yahoo Entertainment'' * A Black job is anybody that has a job. **31 July 2024 [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/07/31/trump-black-journalist-convention-nabj.html "Trump questions if Harris is Black, downplays Vance pick at Black journalists convention"], ''CNBC'' ====August 2024==== * That’s a weird deal going on there. They’re the weird ones. Nobody’s ever called me weird. I’m a lot of things, but weird I’m not.<br>You notice the evening news, every one of them, you know, they introduced the word ‘weird’, and all of a sudden they’re talking about ‘weird’. No, we’re not weird people. We’re actually just the opposite. We’re right down the middle.<br>No, we're not weird. We're very solid people. We want to have strong borders. We want to have good elections. They’re the weird ones. **1 August 2024 [https://time.com/7009800/donald-trump-responds-weird-label-jd-vance-tim-walz-commentary/ Time] and [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-stop-calling-jd-vance-and-me-weird "Donald Trump: Stop Calling Me and J.D. Vance ‘Weird’"], ''The Daily Beast'' * 24 HOURS UNTIL WE UNLEASH HELL. At this time tomorrow, Crooked Kamala’s worst nightmares come true.<br>Tomorrow I step on stage and deliver Open Border Czar Kamala Harris the WORST defeat of her failed political career.<br> **2 August 2024 campaign e-mail from Trump, cited in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4808393-trump-unleash-hell-atlanta-rally-harris/ "Trump vows to ‘unleash hell’ on Harris at Atlanta rally"], ''The Hill'' *This one is so smart, so sharp. She grabbed me. She gave me a kiss. I said "I think I'm never going back home to the first lady." See now for the average politician, that's death. For me, I don't care. **4 August 2024 about [[Michaelah Montgomery]] at a rally in Georgia about an incident earlier in 2024, cited in [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-13707347/donald-trump-georgia-rally-activist-michaelah-montgomery.html "Trump's risqué remark to young activist who went viral for hugging him at Chick-fil-A after he invited her on stage at rally - as she makes VERY personal dig at Kamala"], ''Daily Mail'' * I’m for electric cars. I have to be, you know, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So I have no choice. **5 August 2024 [https://www.benzinga.com/news/24/08/40154264/trump-says-electric-cars-are-fantastic-after-tesla-ceo-elon-musks-endorsement-i-have-to-be-you-know "Trump Says Electric Cars Are 'Fantastic' After Tesla CEO Elon Musk's Endorsement: 'I Have To Be, You Know… I Have No Choice'"], ''Benzinga'' * Kamabla Harris is afraid to Debate me on FoxNews **6 August 2024 cited in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-pathetic-way-attacking-120711256.html "Donald Trump’s ‘Pathetic’ New Way Of Attacking Kamala Harris Is Slammed Online"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' * What are the chances that Crooked Joe Biden, the WORST President in the history of the U.S., whose Presidency was Unconstitutionally STOLEN from him by Kamabla, Barrack HUSSEIN Obama, Crazy Nancy Pelosi, Shifty Adam Schiff, Cryin' Chuck Schumer, and others on the Lunatic Left, CRASHES the Democrat National Convention and tries to take back the Nomination, beginning with challenging me to another DEBATE. He feels that he made a historically tragic mistake by handing over the U.S. Presidency, a COUP, to the people in the World he most hates, and he wants it back, NOW!!! ** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-suggests-biden-may-try-take-back-nomination-1935550 "Donald Trump Suggests Biden May Try to 'Take Back The Nomination'"], ''Newsweek'' * Crazy Kamabla is, indeed, CRAZY. I HEAR THERE IS A BIG MOVEMENT TO “BRING BACK CROOKED JOE". ** 6 August 2024 Cited in [https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-truth-social-biden-walz "Trump shares outrageous Biden prediction in baffling Truth Social rant"], ''Indy100'' * If you look at Caracas, it was known for being a very dangerous city and now it's very safe. In fact, the next interview we do, we'll do it in Caracas, Venezuela, because it's safer than many of our cities. ** 6 August 2024 [https://www.miaminewtimes.com/news/trump-says-caracas-venezuela-is-safer-than-many-us-cities-20962070 "Trump Says Caracas Is 'Safer Than Many of Our Cities'"], ''Miami New Times'' *I heard she's sort of a nasty person.<br>She doesn't do interviews 'cause she can't answer questions. **7 August 2024 about Vice President of the United States of America, Kamala Harris, cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184640/donald-trump-kamala-harris-attacks "Trump’s Latest Desperate Kamala Attacks Fall Hilariously Flat"], ''The New Republic'' * A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner.<br>We’re gonna be living like dogs. Our whole country, our whole system, is gonna collapse. **7 August 2024 about [[Tim Walz]], cited in [https://voz.us/en/politics/240807/15242/trump-on-the-election-of-walz-ticket-that-would-want-this-country-to-go-communist-immediately-if-not-sooner.html "Trump, on the selection of Walz: 'A ticket that would want this country to go communist immediately, if not sooner'"], ''Voz'' (August 7, 2024) *Kim Jong Un liked me a lot. He doesn't like this group [the Harris campaign] **8 August 2024 cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/trump-press-conference-mar-a-lago-updates.html "Trump Agrees to Debate Harris at Rambling Press Conference: How It Happened"], ''New York Magazine'' * I’ve spoken to the biggest crowds. Nobody’s spoken to crowds bigger than me. If you look at Martin Luther King when he did his speech, his great speech, and you look at ours, same real estate, same everything, same number of people, if not we had more. And they said he had a million people, but I had 25,000 people.<br>Nobody was killed on Jan. 6.<br>The presidency was taken away from Joe Biden, and I’m no Biden fan, but I tell you what, from a constitutional standpoint, from any standpoint you look at, they took the presidency away.<br>Twenty million people came over the border during the Biden-Harris administration — 20 million people — and it could be very much higher than that. Nobody really knows. **9 August 2024 quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-news-conference-fact-check-misinformation-eb899c1fc734f5ecb42b8d0902e5c004 "FACT FOCUS: A look at claims made by Trump at news conference"], ''AP News'' *Christie, he’s eating right now. He can’t be bothered.<br>Sir, please do not call him a fat pig, that’s very disrespect.<br>See, I’m trying to be nice. Don’t call him a fat pig. You can’t do that.<br>I was extremely respectful of Sloppy Chris Christie today in New Hampshire. During a speech in front of a large crowd of Patriots, somebody shouted out that "Chris Christie is a fat pig." Rather than acknowleding that, which many speakers would have done, I said "No, No, he is not a fat pig." I'm sure Chris would have been very happy with my defense of him! **10 August 2024 [[Chris Christie]], cited in [https://nymag.com/intelligencer/2023/08/trump-is-pretending-he-didnt-call-chris-christie-fat-pig.html "Trump Is Pretending He Didn’t Call Christie a ‘Fat Pig’"], ''Intelligencer'' (August 10, 2024) *Has anyone noticed that Kamala CHEATED at the airport? There was nobody at the plane, and she ‘A.I.’d’ it, and showed a massive ‘crowd’ of so-called followers, BUT THEY DIDN’T EXIST! **10 August 2024 cited in [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/08/trump-claims-ai-images-kamala-harris-rallies/679445/ "Trump’s Latest Falsehood Is a Huge Tell"], ''The Atlantic'' *She’s a CHEATER. She had NOBODY waiting, and the ‘crowd’ looked like 10,000 people! Same thing is happening with her fake ‘crowds’ at her speeches. This is the way the Democrats win Elections, by CHEATING ‒ And they’re even worse at the Ballot Box. She should be disqualified because the creation of a fake image is ELECTION INTERFERENCE. Anyone who does that will cheat at ANYTHING!<br>EVERYTHING ABOUT KAMALA IS FAKE! **12 August 2024, cited in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/12/trump-harris-rally-crowd-ai-conspiracy-theory/74763568007/ "Trump blames Harris' crowds on AI, so let's all assume everything we don't like is fake!"], ''USA Today'' *The worst president in history. And one of the reasons he was so bad, first of all, the Israeli attack would have never happened. Russia would never have attacked Ukraine and we'd have no inflation. And we wouldn't have had the Afghanistan mess if you think of it.<br>Now she's looking like she wants to be more Trump than Trump if that's possible.She wants to have open borders. And now she's going like she's tough on the border. It's such a lie. **12 August 2024 in [https://turboscribe.ai/transcript/share/4422534834081521519/HWE18owsC2u8E5u2HpZNikyBdermlV2YSwGlTEPKJJw/donald-trump-and-elon-musk-full-transcript-august-12-2024-https-x-com-i-spaces-1nakepnklwoxl TurboScribe article] *The ocean is going to rise one-eighth of an inch over the next 400 years. **13 August 2024 about sea level rise, which is currently at 4 mm (5/32") per year with an accelerating trend. Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview "Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk"], The Guardian *The biggest threat is nuclear warming. **13 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/12/trump-elon-musk-interview "Trump revisits most divisive talking points in rambling interview with Musk"], The Guardian *"I said to Vladimir Putin, I said, 'Don't do it. You can't do it, Vladimir, you do it, it's going to be a bad day. You cannot do it.' And I told him things that what I do. And he said, 'No way.' And I said, 'way.' And, you know, it's the last time we ever had the conversation. **13 August 2024 in [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-zelenskyy-eu-freewheeling-musk-interview/ Politco article] *You’re the greatest cutter,...I need an Elon Musk — I need somebody that has a lot of strength and courage and smarts. I want to close up the Department of Education, move education back to the states. **13 August 2024 in [https://apnews.com/article/donald-trump-elon-musk-x-twitter-livestream-83d6d07fc0ffef4151c96fc56aeec9ee AP News article] *Iran is no friend of mine, a lot of bad signals get sent.The reason is because I was strong on Iran and I was protecting people in the Middle East that maybe they aren’t so happy about that. **14 August 2024 per [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/08/14/trump-iran-hack-campaign-00174002 political article] *Kamala has declared that tackling inflation will be a Day One priority, but Day One for Kamala was 3½ years ago. Why hasn’t she done it? .‌‌.‌‌She's a critic. That's all she is. **14 August 2024 per [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trumps-economy-speech-veers-personal-attacks-harris-biden-rcna166652 NBC News article] * Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?<br>I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO MEET YOU! Chris, can we take a picture during our all-expenses-paid trip together? I already have the PERFECT spot picked out in Mar-a-Lago to show it off! * MEET TRUMP! ENTER TO WIN **14 August 2024 mass E-mail sent out to a large number of people. [https://politicalemails.org/messages/1521460 "Can I hang our picture together in Mar-a-Lago?"], PoliticalEmails.com (August 14, 2024) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBudZMFvcvY&t=115s "Trump Goes TOTALLY NUTS as his ENTIRE LIFE COLLAPSES"], ''MeidasTouch'' (August 14, 2024) *Miriam, I watched (Sheldon Adelson, her late husband) sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the Presidential Medal of Freedom. That’s the highest award you can get as a civilian, it’s the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian version. It’s actually much better, because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor – that’s soldiers. They’re either in very bad shape because they’ve been hit so many times by bullets, or they’re dead. She gets it and she’s a healthy, beautiful woman, and they’re rated equal. **15 August 2024 [https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-medal-of-honor/index.html Trump says civilian award is ‘much better’ than Medal of Honor] * We’re talking about a thing called the economy.<br>We’re doing this as an intellectual speech.<br>We literally are a third world nation, we literally are a third-world nation. We’re a banana republic in so many ways, and we’re not going to let that happen because we’re starting a free fall.<br>For nearly four years Kamala has crackled as the American economy has burned.<br>What happened to her laugh? I haven’t heard that laugh in about a week. That’s why they keep her off the stage, that’s why she has disappeared.<br>That’s the laugh of a crazy person, I will tell you. She’s crazy.<br>Incompetent socialist lunatic.<br>Kamabla.<br>Rape and murder, rape and beatings, rape and something else, and sometimes just immediate killing. These people are brutal. These are people that came out of the toughest jails anywhere in the world from all over the world, and we can’t take them. **16 August 2024 per [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/14/trump-rally-north-carolina-rambling-economy-harris-crime/74798514007/ "Trump's North Carolina speech went predictably off the rails. Can he even spell 'economy'?"], ''USA today'' * I think I’m entitled to personal attacks.<br>Now you’ll say he ranted and raved […] I’m a very calm person, believe it or not. **16 August 2024 from [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/08/16/politics/trump-fury-harris-switch-campaign-analysis/index.html "Trump’s fury over Harris’ switch with Biden is increasingly driving his campaign"], ''CNN'' * She actually called me ‘weird. And she called JD and I ‘weird.’ He’s not weird, he was a great student at Yale.<br>We have this guy that’s running a failed, really a very failed state who’s had a terrible career. I mean you have him saying, ‘They’re weird.’ No, he’s a weird guy, and she’s weird in her policy. **16 August 2024 claim about Vice President of the USA Kamala Harris and Governor of Minnesota Tim Walz, quoted in [https://sg.news.yahoo.com/trump-denies-jd-vance-weird-040509909.html "Trump Denies He And JD Vance Are Weird In The Weirdest Way Possible"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' *I watched Sheldon sitting so proud in the White House when we gave Miriam the '''Presidential Medal of Freedom'''.<br>That's the highest award you can get as a civilian.<br>'''It's the equivalent of the Congressional Medal of Honor, but civilian''' version.<br>It's actually much better because everyone gets the Congressional Medal of Honor, they're soldiers.<br>They're either in very bad shape because they've been hit so many times by bullets or they are dead.<br>She gets it and she's a healthy, beautiful woman.<br>And they're '''rated equal''', but she got the Presidential Medal of Freedom. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-medal-of-freedom-medal-of-honor/ "Trump says Medal of Freedom "equivalent" to and "much better" than Medal of Honor, sparking backlash from veterans"] ''CBS News'' (August 16, 2024) *Kamala will implement SOVIET Style Price Controls. EVERY American will be taxed up to 80% of their income!<br>If Kamala is elected and implements her Communist Price Caps, there will be famine, starvation, and poverty, the likes of which we have never seen. America will NEVER recover!<br>Kamala Harris wants to raise your taxes and make you pay for free healthcare and free housing in luxury hotels for her millions of illegal aliens. **16 August 2024 quoted in [https://www.rawstory.com/kamala-harris-vs-trump-2668979250/ "Donald Trump rants that 'famine' will come to America if Kamala Harris is elected"], ''RawStory'' *Starting the day I take the oath of office, I will rapidly drive prices down, and we will make America affordable again. **17 August 2024 At a rally in Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-claims-continues-personal-attacks-harris/story?id=112921505 Trump claims he's 'better looking,' continues personal attacks toward Harris] ''ABC News'' *I am much better looking than her. I’m a better looking person than Kamala.<br>I say that I’m much better looking than her. I had never heard that one. They said her biggest advantage was that she’s a beautiful-looking woman. Ha. I’d never thought of that.<br>I said, who am I running against, Harris? I said, ‘Who the hell is Harris?'<br>Joe Biden hates her.<br>They will say he’s rambling. I don’t ramble. I’m a really smart guy, **18 August 2024 per [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-im-better-looking-than-kamala-and-dont-say-i-ramble "Trump: ‘I’m Better Looking than Kamala—and Don’t Say I Ramble’"], ''The Daily Beast'' *You know, he said we’re weird. That J.D. and I are weird. I think we’re extremely normal people. We’re like you, we’re exactly like you.<br>He [Tim Walz] is weird. Did you ever see him go on the stage and go, like, crazy? Between his movement and her laugh, there’s a lot of crazy. I’d say a step further than weird, weird is a nice word by comparison. **19 August 2024 to a small crowd in York, Pennsylvania, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-insists-extremely-normal-during-204337061.html "Trump Insists He’s “Extremely Normal” During Incredibly Weird Speech"], ''Yahoo News / The New Republic'' *Prices will come down. You just watch: They’ll come down, and they’ll come down fast, not only with insurance, with everything…. Prices will come down and come down dramatically and come down fast. **20 August 2024 from a recent speech in Asheville, North Carolina, quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2024/08/20/business/trump-inflation-prices-deflation/index.html Trump promises to make prices plunge again. That’s a dangerous proposal] ''CNN'' *You can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread. You get shot, you get mugged, you get raped, you get whatever it may be. **21 August 2024 at a rally in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trumps-latest-claim-crime-real-224038664.html "Trump's Latest Claim About Crime Is A Real Doozy"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' * That was a coup, it was a vicious violent overthrow of a president of the United States. **20 August 2024 about [[Joe Biden]] pulling out of the 2024 presidential election, quoted in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ "Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - "That Was A Coup""], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News'' *We have a fool as a president. **20 August 2024 cited in [https://ktrh.iheart.com/featured/houston-texas-news/content/2024-08-20-trump-counters-dnc-with-rally-in-michigan-that-was-a-coup/ "Trump Counters DNC With Rally In Michigan - "That Was A Coup""], ''KTRH Local Houston and Texas News'' *I think that women living in the suburbs—I keep hearing about ‘the suburban woman doesn’t like Trump,’ well, I think it’s a fake poll because why wouldn’t they like me? I keep the suburbs safe. **202 August 2024 during a rally in a garage in Howell, Michigan, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/185085/donald-trump-derails-speech-crime-complain-women "Trump Derails Weird Speech on Crime to Complain Women Hate Him"], ''New Republic'' *We're going to bring up electronics too. Electronics. We buy everything away. When you see the sophistication of the product I just saw at this place, electronics is peanuts. **20 August 2024 in [https://www.dailykos.com/story/2024/8/19/2264243/-Thanks-Joe-We-won-t-forget-who-was-POTUS-in-2020 "Thanks, Joe. We won't forget who was POTUS in 2020"], ''Daily Kos'' *Our primary focus is not to get out the vote, it is to make sure they don’t cheat. We have all the votes we’ll need. You can see it ... every house along the way has signs: Trump, Trump, Trump, Vance, Trump, Vance. **20 August 2024 in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/trump-says-focus-ensuring-democrats-dont-cheat-not-voter-turnout-rcna167630 "Trump says his focus is ensuring Democrats 'don't cheat,' not voter turnout — echoing efforts to undermine election"], ''NBC News'' *There will be no future under Comrade Kamala Harris, because she will take us into a Nuclear World War III , She will never be respected by the Tyrants of the World! **23 August 2024 in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/23/trump-reaction-harris-dnc-speech "Harris’s convention speech sparks live rant from outraged Trump"], ''The Guardian'' *My Administration will be great for women and their reproductive rights. **23 August 2024 [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113012083325505976 Truth Social] *Kamala Harris is the weakest presidential candidate in history on crime.<br>She’s allowed millions of people to pour through our borders, many from prisons, mental institutions and, indeed, terrorists, coming in at levels never seen before.<br>What gives her the right to run for president?<br>She got no votes to Biden’s fourteen million.<br>She failed in her previous attempt, was the first one out of twenty-two people to quit, never made it to Iowa, and now she’s a presidential candidate?<br>This is a '''threat to democracy'''! ** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-2669023213/ "'What gives her the right to run?' Trump launches overnight tirade at Kamala Harris"], ''RawStory'' (August 24, 2024) *The truth is, they’re trying to get out of it because she doesn’t want to debate. She’s not a good debater, she’s not a smart person. She doesn’t want to debate. **26 August 2024 in response to the Harris campaign‘s demand that their September 10th debate occur without muted microphones; in [https://nypost.com/2024/08/26/us-news/harris-campaign-urges-trump-to-take-abc-news-debate-without-muted-microphone/ "Trump says Harris ‘trying to get out of’ debate over unmuted microphones demand"] *15 stunning all-new digital trading cards, it's really something. These cards show me dancing, even holding some BitCoins! ** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-digital-trading-cards-2669080783/ "Trump revives widely mocked digital trading cards as Harris gains in polls"], ''RawStory'' (August 27, 2024) *The Harris/Biden administration has been caught fraudulently manipulating job statistics to hide the true extent of the economic ruin that they’ve inflicted on America, Bureau of Labor Statistics shows that the administration padded the numbers with an extra, listen to this one, 818,000 jobs that don’t exist. **[https://www.poynter.org/fact-checking/2024/job-data-manipulated-fact-check/ "Donald Trump falsely claimed that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris manipulated job data"], ''Poynter'' (August 27, 2024) * I think to a certain extent it’s Biden’s fault and Harris’s fault. And I’m the opponent. Look, they were weaponizing government against me, they brought in the whole DOJ to try and get me, they weren’t too interested in my health and safety,They’re saying I’m a threat to democracy,They would say that, that was standard line, just keep saying it, and you know that can get assassins or potential assassins going. That’s a terrible thing … Maybe that bullet is because of their rhetoric. ** With "dr Phil" [https://archive.ph/mamCT "Trump, without evidence, in part faults Biden, Harris for assassination attempt"], ''Washington Post'' (August 28, 2024) *Well, I think the six-week (ban) is too short. It has to be more time. So…and I’ve told them that, I want more weeks. I am going to be voting that we need more than six weeks…. I believe in exceptions for life of the mother, —if you look— incest, rape. ** 29 August 2024 when asked how he was going to vote on the Florida amendment to overturn the six-week ban on abortion; in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-wants-make-ivf-treatments-paid-government-insurance-compani-rcna168804 "Trump says he wants to make IVF treatments paid for by government or insurance companies if elected"] *I’m announcing today in a major statement that under the Trump administration, your government will pay for — or your insurance company will be mandated to pay for — all costs associated with IVF treatment. Because we want more babies, to put it nicely. **30 August 2024 in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/we-want-more-babies-trump-promises-free-ivf-treatments-amid-abortion-rights-debate-says-us-government-will-pay-but-how/articleshow/112909996.cms 'We want more babies': Trump promises free IVF treatments amid abortion rights debate, says 'US government will pay' - But how?] *I’ll be voting ’no’ for that reason<br>“’No’ on (Florida) Amendment 4?”<br>For that reason because it‘s radical. You talk about radical. Doing an abortion in the ninth month is unacceptable to anybody…. There‘s something in between, but the six (weeks) is too short, it‘s just too short a period and the nine months is unacceptable…. But for that reason, for the radicalization on the Democrats side, we‘re voting ’no’.<br>“…Would you veto a federal abortion ban?”<br>I‘m not going to have to think about it because it‘s working out so well right now. The states are doing it. It‘s a states issue…. Well, what‘s happening is you‘re never going to have to do it because it‘s being done by the states. The states are voting. And the people are now getting a chance to vote and this is the way everybody wanted it. **30 August 2024 when asked about how he would vote on the Florida abortion amendment in the upcoming election in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/pro-lifers-blast-trump-betrayal-shifting-abortion-stance-answer-florida-amendment-4 Pro-lifers blast Trump 'betrayal' with shifting abortion stance, answer on Florida Amendment 4] *It’s crazy. Our country is being '''poisoned''', and your schools and your children are suffering greatly because they’re going into the classrooms, they’re taking the seats and they don’t even speak English. **30 Aug 2024 quoted in [https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2024/aug/30/our-country-is-being-poisoned-trump-says-as-he-cou/ Washington Times article by Ali Swenson and Will Weissert] * If you look at Kamala and you look at what she’s done to every place she’s touched has turned to s**t. Every single place she’s touched. I have to say, it. Every place she’s touched, you know? ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/melania-plea-trump-control-swearing-202341688.html "Melania’s plea for Trump to control his swearing flops as he tears into Harris at rally"], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (August 31, 2024) * I don’t need publicity. I get a lot of publicity. I would like to get a lot less publicity.<br>I would hire a public relations agent to get less publicity. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/article/2024/aug/30/trump-pennsylvania-rally-arlington-cemetery-photo-op?utm_source=sdrn%3Avg%3Aarticle%3AJbnA66 "Trump denies exploiting visit to US soldiers’ graves: ‘I don’t need publicity’"], ''The Guardian'' (August 31, 2024) *Now, they have Kamala who has many deficiencies, but she's a nasty person. The way she treated [[Mike Pence]] was horrible. The way she treats people is horrible. **31 August 2024 [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-saying-kamala-harris-was-horrible-mike-pence-mocked-1947392 Donald Trump Saying Kamala Harris Was 'Horrible' to Mike Pence Mocked] ====September 2024==== *you take a look at Venezuela as an example, the crime is down 72% because they've taken their criminals from Caracas, they've taken their drug dealers. They're emptying their prisons into our country **[https://www.wtae.com/article/kamala-harris-donald-trump-pennsylvania-fact-check/62048503] ** [https://www.factcheck.org/2024/06/crime-drop-in-venezuela-does-not-prove-trumps-claim-the-country-is-sending-criminals-to-u-s/ "Crime Drop in Venezuela Does Not Prove Trump’s Claim the Country Is Sending Criminals to U.S."], ''FactCheck.org'' (June 14, 2024) * I think you believe [in God] more, because when you speak to experts, like my sons who are shooting experts. But when you speak to experts, they said there was no chance that he could have missed from that distance....<br>I think you think like, if you believe in God, you believe in God more. And somebody said like, why? And I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country. Our country is so sick and it’s so broken. Our country is just broken. And maybe that was the reason, I don’t know. I don’t know, a lot of people have said that. ** Speaking about assassination attempt on July 14, 2024, in interview on Fox News “Life, Liberty & Levin”, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4858345-trump-id-like-to-think-that-god-thinks-that-im-going-to-straighten-out-our-country/ "Trump: ‘I’d like to think that God thinks that I’m going to straighten out our country’"], ''The Hill'' [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0RbQ2Gb2AG4 YouTube interview] (September 1, 2024) *You just cannot let them have a nuclear weapon. But I will say this: If they do have a nuclear weapon, Israel is gone. ** [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202409014919 "Trump says if Iran gets a nuke, 'Israel will be gone'"], ''Iran International'' (September 1, 2024) * Whoever heard you get indicted for interfering with a presidential election where you have every right to do it? ** [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-he-had-every-right-interfere-2020-election-2024-09-02/ "Trump says he had 'every right' to interfere in 2020 election"], ''CNN'' (September 2, 2024) * You know, I do the weave. You know what the weave is? I’ll talk about like nine different things, and they all come back brilliantly together and it’s like, and friends of mine that are, like, English professors, they say, ‘It’s the most brilliant thing I’ve ever seen.’ But the fake news, you know what they say? ‘He rambled.’ ** [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/critics-call-hilarious-bs-donald-094722633.html "Critics Call Hilarious BS On Donald Trump's New Brag About His Speeches"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (September 2, 2024) * [About Project 2025:] I know nothing about it, and they know that, too. Democrats know that, and I purposely haven't read it because I want to say to you I don't, I have no idea what it's all about.<br>It's easier than saying I read it and you know, all of the things. No, I purposely haven't read it, and I've heard about it.<br>I've heard about things that are in there that I don't like, and there's some things in there that everybody would like, but there are things that I don't like at all. ** [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-project-2025-2669122309/ "Trump says ‘purposefully’ hasn’t read Project 2025 — but everybody would like parts of it"], ''RawStory'' (September 3, 2024) *But I’ve done well with debates. I became president, and then the second time I got millions more votes than I got the first time. I was told if I got 63 million … you would win. You can’t not win. And I got millions of more votes than that and lost by a whisker but— and look at what happened with the world. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-lex-fridman-podcast-interview-b2606533.html Trump admits he lost 2020 election ‘by a whisker’ during Lex Fridman podcast], ''Independent'' (September 3, 2024) "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCbfTN-caFI Donald Trump Interview - Lex Fridman Podcast #442]" (at 10m51s), Lex Fridman, 3 September 2024. * I am proud to represent our Failing Nation in fighting the GREATEST POLITICAL WITCH HUNT IN HISTORY. REMOVE THE GAG ORDER SO THAT I CAN SHOW HOW CORRUPT OUR COURT SYSTEM IS. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES ARE NOT TO BE GAGGED! ** Claimed about a court order to stop repeatedly intimidating witnesses and attacking family members of a judge in a felony court case, quoted in [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/i-am-proud-to-represent-our-failing-nation-trump-melts-down-in-early-morning-court-rant/ar-AA1pZ1jo "'I am proud to represent our failing nation': Trump melts down in early morning court rant"], ''MSN / Raw Story'' (September 4, 2024) *I’ve been preparing all my life for this debate. **Referring to his upcoming September 10th debate with Kamala Harris, in [https://www.wbtw.com/news/washington-dc-news/harris-and-trump-court-voters-ahead-of-first-debate/ Harris and Trump court voters ahead of first debate], ''News13 WBTW'' (September 4, 2024) * [Asked about what specific legislation Trump would advance to make child care affordable:] Well, I would do that, and we’re sitting down, and I was, somebody, we had Senator Marco Rubio, and my daughter Ivanka was so impactful on that issue. It’s a very important issue. But I think when you talk about the kind of numbers that I’m talking about, that, because, look, child care is child care is. It’s, couldn’t, you know, there’s something, you have to have it. In this country you have to have it. But when you talk about those numbers compared to the kind of numbers that I’m talking about by taxing foreign nations at levels that they’re not used to — but they’ll get used to it very quickly – and it’s not gonna stop them from doing business with us, but they’ll have a very substantial tax when they send product into our country. Those numbers are so much bigger than any numbers that we’re talking about, including child care, that it’s going to take care. We’re gonna have — I, I look forward to having no deficits within a fairly short period of time, coupled with the reductions that I told you about on waste and fraud and all of the other things that are going on in our country, because I have to stay with child care. I want to stay with child care, but those numbers are small relative to the kind of economic numbers that I’m talking about, including growth, but growth also headed up by what the plan is that I just, that I just told you about. We’re gonna be taking in trillions of dollars, and as much as child care is talked about as being expensive, it’s relatively speaking not very expensive compared to the kind of numbers we’ll be taking in. We’re going to make this into an incredible country that can afford to take care of its people, and then we’ll worry about the rest of the world. Let’s help other people. But we’re going to take care of our country first. This is about America first. It’s about Make America Great Again. We have to do it because right now we’re a failing nation, so we’ll take care of it. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-childcare-economy-speech-b2607970.html "Trump tried to explain how he plans to make childcare more affordable. It was a word salad"], ''Independent'' (September 6, 2024)<!--Quoted by several other sources, such as ''All In with Chris Hayes'', https://www.rawstory.com/trump-decline/, see video here: https://www.c-span.org/video/?538141-1/fmr-pres-trump-remarks-economic-club-york--> * But the transgender thing is incredible. Think of it. Your kid goes to school and comes home a few days later with an operation. The school decides what's going to happen with your child. And you know, many of these childs [sic] 15 years later say, 'What the hell happened? Who did this to me?' They say, 'Who did this to me?' It's incredible. ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-schools-transgender-surgeries/ "Trump's Claim That Children Received Gender-Affirming Surgeries at School Is False"], ''Snopes'' (September 5, 2024) * As the first order of business, this commission will develop an action plan to totally eliminate fraud and improper payments within six months, saving trillions of dollars ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/09/06/technology/elon-musk-donald-trump-influence.html How Elon Musk Is Influencing Donald Trump], ''New York Times'' (September 6, 2024) * [On the likelihood of him sexually abusing a woman in 1979:] She said I was making out with her and then I grabbed her in a certain part. Think of the impracticality of this. I'm famous in a plane, people are coming into the plane and I grab a woman - what are the chances of that happening? Frankly, I know you're going to say it's a terrible thing to say but it couldn't have happened, it didn't happen because she would not have been the chosen one. **[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/147957/donald-trump-e-jean-carroll-court-appeal Trump declares E. Jean Carroll 'not the chosen one' in bizarre rant following court appeal], ''Daily Express US'' [https://youtube.com/watch?v=mFdzWJXPYbo Trump mocks his sexual assault accuser: ‘She would not have been the chosen one’], MSNBC YouTube (September 6, 2024) *I am the Peace President, and only I will stop World War III! **[https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-loses-it-on-the-cheneys-after-they-endorse-harris-irrelevant-rino-along-with-his-daughter/ Trump Loses It on the Cheneys After They Endorse Harris: ‘Irrelevant RINO, Along with His Daughter!’] ''Mediaite'' [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/113093196894480530] (September 6, 2024) * I better win, I better win, or you're going to have problems like we've never had. We may have no country left. It may be our last election. ** [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-claims-israel-gone-two-years-harris-elected-president-video "Trump claims Israel will be 'gone' within two years if Harris is elected president: video"], ''Fox News'' (September 7, 2024) *WHEN I WIN, those people that CHEATED will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the Law, which will include long term prison sentences so that this Depravity of Justice does not happen again.<br>Please beware that this legal exposure extends to Lawyers, Political Operatives, Donors, Illegal Voters, & Corrupt Election Officials. Those involved in unscrupulous behavior will be sought out, caught, and prosecuted at levels, unfortunately, never seen before in our Country. **[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/trump-threatens-long-prison-sentences-for-those-who-cheat-in-the-election-if-he-wins Trump threatens long prison sentences for those who ‘cheat’ in the election if he wins], ''PBS News'' (September 8, 2024) *The moment we win, we will rapidly review the cases of every political prisoner unjustly victimized by the Harris regime, and I will sign their pardons on day one. With your vote this election, their lying, cheating, thieving, hoaxing, and plotting will come to an end. We got to stop the cheating. If we stop that cheating, if we don't let them cheat, I don't even have to campaign anymore. We're going to win by so much. **At a rally in Wisconsin on Saturday, [https://transcripts.cnn.com/show/cnc/date/2024-09-09/segment/07 CNN News Central Transcripts] (September 9, 2024) * Can you imagine you’re a parent and your son leaves the house and you say, ‘Jimmy, I love you so much. Go have a good day in school’ and your son comes back with a brutal operation. Can you even imagine this? What the hell is wrong with our country? ** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-falsely-claims-children-being-195728811.html "Trump falsely claims children being forced into gender transition ops at school in rambling fantasy-filled rally speech"], ''Yahoo News / Independent'' (September 9, 2024) * I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT! ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/trump-says-i-hate-taylor-swift-after-pop-star-endorses-kamala-harris.html "Trump says ‘I hate Taylor Swift’ after pop star endorses Kamala Harris"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * Latin music superstar Nicky Jam. Do you know Nicky? She’s hot. ** Claimed about the singer after he endorsed Trump, quoted in [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/music/2024/09/15/donald-trump-nicky-jam-las-vegas-rally/75237185007/ "Donald Trump misgenders reggaeton star Nicky Jam at rally: 'She's hot'"], ''USA Today'' (September 16, 2024) *We have to call it Covid. What the hell does Covid mean. The China virus. A lot of people think they did that because they were not happy with me as president. **[https://www.the-express.com/news/politics/148953/trump Trump pushes theory that 'China created Covid-19 because they didn't like his presidency'] (September 17, 2024) *I don't know what happened. With the bomb threats. I know that it's been taken over by illegal migrants, and that's a terrible thing that happened. Springfield was this beautiful town, and now they're going through hell. **[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/how-life-in-springfield-has-been-disrupted-by-lies-about-its-haitian-community How life in Springfield has been disrupted by lies about its Haitian community], ''PBS News'' (17 September, 2024) * We have Bagram in Alaska. ** [https://alaskabeacon.com/briefs/at-town-hall-trump-mixes-up-alaska-and-afghanistan-with-confusing-remarks-on-oil/ "At town hall, Trump mixes up Alaska and Afghanistan with confusing remarks on oil"] ''Alaska Beacon'' (September 18, 2024) * Nobody can draw crowds like me... I’m the greatest of all time. Maybe greater even than Elvis. Elvis had a guitar, I don’t have a guitar. I don’t have the privilege of a guitar. ** [https://www.msn.com/en-au/news/other/donald-trump-boasts-he-is-greater-than-elvis/ar-AA1qPeXs "Donald Trump boasts he is ‘greater than Elvis’"], ''MSN'' (September 19, 2024) *She doesn’t like doing interviews. And she’s not knowledgeable about economy and various things, and I think it would be a problem. But you know what? [Biden] was pretty much gone. They said, 'Joe, it’s over. You're getting out.' And they put her in, and she somehow — a woman — somehow she's doing better than he did. But I can't imagine it can last. **During an appearance on Fox News’ ''Gutfeld!'', [https://www.yahoo.com/news/donald-trump-seemed-surprised-kamala-200648284.html Donald Trump Just Made An Eyebrow-Raising Observation About Kamala Harris], ''Yahoo News'' (September 19, 2024) * This is Martin Luther King on steroids. I told that to Mark. I said, 'I think you're better than Martin Luther King. I think you are Martin Luther King times two.' ** Said about candidate for North Carolina governor [[Mark Robinson (American politician)|Mark Robinson]], quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/robinson-expected-attend-trumps-north-carolina-rally-amid/story?id=113873656 "Robinson not expected to attend Trump's North Carolina rally amid scandal: Sources"], ''ABC News'' (September 21, 2024) * Anybody that thinks crime is going down is a serious brain problem. ** [https://www.scrippsnews.com/us-news/crime/murder-other-violent-crime-rates-dropped-across-us-last-year-new-fbi-data-shows "Murder, other violent crime rates dropped across US last year, new FBI data shows"], ''Scripps News'' (September 23, 2024) * She had the other interview with the other guy who was a nice guy I think from Philadelphia from Pennsylvania, he was a nice guy, he was asking her all these (scrambles words) – the daily take – they don’t take like I do! Anybody wants to go, go what the hell differences they make – they have – and how dishonest was ABC. * I'm cognitively very strong. ** [https://au.news.yahoo.com/trump-teased-over-rambling-word-120404261.html "Trump teased over rambling ‘word salad’ at rally as he insists he is 'cognitively very strong'"], ''Yahoo News / The Independent'' (September 24, 2024) * If any senior doesn't vote for Trump, we're gonna have to send you to a psychiatrist to have your head examined. ** [https://www.mediaite.com/trump/trump-tells-another-group-of-voters-to-have-your-head-examined/ "Trump Tells ANOTHER Group of Voters to 'Have Your Head Examined'"], ''Mediaite'' (September 25, 2024) * Has there EVER been a WORSE HOST than Jimmy Kimmel at The Oscars. His opening was that of a less than average person trying too hard to be something which he is not, and never can be. * I said, ‘He’s one of the dumbest human beings ever.’ He should have listened to his wife. What a dope. ** [https://www.thewrap.com/jimmy-kimmel-live-trump-dumbest-human-being-response/ "Jimmy Kimmel Claps Back at Trump Calling Him ‘One of the Dumbest Human Beings Ever’: ‘He’s Confusing Me With One of His Sons’"] ''The Wrap'' (September 25, 2024) *If I were the president, I would inform the threatening country, in this case, Iran, that if you do anything to harm this person, we are going to blow your largest cities and the country itself to smithereens. We're going to blow it to smithereens. There would be no more threats. **[https://abcnews.go.com/International/trump-lashes-iran-security-officials-warn-rise-foreign/story?id=114086967 "Trump suggests Iran tied to assassination attempts, issues blunt warning"], ''ABC News'' (September 26, 2024) *It has been determined that Google has illegally used a system of only revealing and displaying bad stories about Donald J Trump, some made up for this purpose while, at the same time, only revealing good stories about Comrade Kamala Harris. This is an ILLEGAL ACTIVITY, and hopefully the Justice Department will criminally prosecute them for this blatant Interference of Elections. If not, and subject to the Laws of our Country, I will request their prosecution, when I win the Election and become President of the United States. **From a post on ''Truth Social'', cited in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2024/sep/27/trump-google-threat-criminal-charges Trump vows to seek criminal charges against Google if re-elected president], ''The Guardian'' (September 28, 2024) *Crooked Joe Biden became mentally impaired, Sad. But lying Kamala Harris, honestly, I believe she was born that way. There’s something wrong with Kamala. And I just don’t know what it is but there is definitely something missing. And you know what, everybody knows it. **[https://www.ctvnews.ca/world/trump-says-there-s-something-wrong-with-harris-and-that-she-s-mentally-impaired-1.7056321 "Trump says there's 'something wrong' with Harris and that she's 'mentally impaired'] ''CTV News / Associated Press'' (September 29, 2024) ====1st Debate with Kamala Harris (September 10, 2024)==== *<i>in response to Kamala Harris bringing up Project 2025:</I><Br>…she knows better than anyone, I have nothing to do with Project 2025. That's out there. I haven't read it. I don't want to read it, purposely. I'm not going to read it. This was a group of people that got together, they came up with some ideas. I guess some good, some bad. But it makes no difference. I have nothing to do -- everybody knows I'm an open book. Everybody knows what I'm going to do. Cut taxes very substantially. And create a great economy like I did before. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>regarding inflation during the Biden presidency:</i><br><b>I had no inflation,</b> virtually no inflation, they had the highest inflation, perhaps in the history of our country because I've never seen a worse period of time. <b>People can't go out and buy cereal bacon or eggs or anything else.</b> These the people of our country are absolutely dying with what they've done. They've destroyed the economy and all you have to do it look at a poll. The polls say 80 and 85 and even 90% that the Trump economy was great that their economy was terrible. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *We hardly make chips anymore because of philosophies like they have and policies like they have. I don't say her because she has no policy. Everything that she believed three years ago and four years ago is out the window. She's going to my philosophy now. In fact, I was going to send her a MAGA hat. She's gone to my philosophy. But if she ever got elected, she'd change it. And it will be the end of our country. <b>She's a Marxist. Everybody knows she's a Marxist.</b> **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *But when you look at what she's done to our country and when you look at these <b>millions and millions of people that are pouring into our country monthly</b> where it's I believe 21 million people, not the 15 that people say, and I think it's a lot higher than the 21. That's bigger than New York state. Pouring in. And just look at what they're doing to our country. They're criminals. Many of these people coming in are criminals. And that's bad for our economy too. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>LINSEY DAVIS: …Vice President Harris says that women shouldn't trust you on the issue of abortion because you've changed your position so many times. Therefore, why should they trust you?</i><br>Well, the reason I'm doing that vote [voting “no” on the Florida abortion ban] is because the plan is, as you know, the vote is, they have abortion in the ninth month. They even have, and you can look at the governor of West Virginia, the previous governor of West Virginia, not the current governor, who's doing an excellent job, but the governor before. He said the baby will be born and we will decide what to do with the baby. In other words, we'll execute the baby. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *But her vice presidential pick [Tim Walz] says abortion in the ninth month is absolutely fine. <b>He also says execution after birth, it's execution, no longer abortion, because the baby is born, is okay.</b> And that's not okay with me. Hence the vote. But what I did is something for 52 years they've been trying to get Roe v. Wade into the states. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And now states are voting on it. And for the first time you're going to see -- look, this is an issue that's torn our country apart for 52 years. Every legal scholar, every Democrat, every Republican, liberal, conservative, they all wanted this issue to be brought back to the states where the people could vote. And that's what happened, happened. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …But understand, if Donald Trump were to be re-elected, he will sign a national abortion ban….</i><br>I’m not signing a ban. And there's no reason to sign a ban. Because we've gotten what everybody wanted. Democrats, Republicans and everybody else and every legal scholar wanted it to be brought back into the states. And the states are voting. And it may take a little time, but for 52 years this issue has torn our country apart. And they've wanted it back in the states. And I did something that nobody thought was possible. The states are now voting. What she says is an absolute lie. And as far as the abortion ban, no, I'm not in favor of abortion ban. But it doesn't matter because this issue has now been taken over by the states. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …You will see during the course of his rallies he talks about fictional characters like Hannibal Lecter. He will talk about windmills cause cancer. And what you will also notice is that people start leaving his rallies early out of exhaustion and boredom….</i><br>First let me respond as to the rallies. She said people start leaving. <b>People don't go to her rallies.</b> There's no reason to go. And the people that do go, <b>she's busing them in and paying them to be there.</b> And then showing them in a different light. So, she can't talk about that. People don't leave my rallies. <b>We have the biggest rallies, the most incredible rallies in the history of politics.</b> That's because people want to take their country back. Our country is being lost. <b>We're a failing nation. And it happened three and a half years ago.</b> And what, what's going on here, <b>you're going to end up in World War 3,</b> just to go into another subject. What they have done to our country by allowing these millions and millions of people to come into our country. And look at what's happening to the towns all over the United States. And a lot of towns don't want to talk -- not going to be Aurora or Springfield. A lot of towns don't want to talk about it because they're so embarrassed by it. <b>In Springfield, they're eating the dogs. The people that came in. They're eating the cats. They're eating -- they're eating the pets of the people that live there.</b> And this is what's happening in our country. And it's a shame….<br><I>DAVID MUIR: I just want to clarify here, you bring up Springfield, Ohio. And ABC News did reach out to the city manager there. He told us there have been no credible reports of specific claims of pets being harmed, injured or abused by individuals within the immigrant community --</i><br><b>Well, I've seen people on television</b><br><i>DAVID MUIR: Let me just say here this ...</i><br><b>The people on television say my dog was taken and used for food.</b> So maybe he said that and maybe that's a good thing to say for a city manager.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: I'm not taking this from television. I'm taking it from the city manager.</i><br><b>But the people on television say their dog was eaten by the people that went there.</b><br><i>DAVID MUIR: Again, the Springfield city manager says there's no evidence of that.</i><br>*<b>We'll find out.</b> **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *But just to finish, I got more votes than any Republican in history by far. In fact, I got more votes than any president, sitting president in history by far. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: You also said you would use local police. How would you deport 11 million undocumented immigrants? I know you believe that number is much higher….</i><br> Yeah. It is much higher because of them. They allowed criminals. Many, many, millions of criminals. They allowed terrorists. They allowed common street criminals. They allowed people to come in, drug dealers, to come into our country, and they're now in the United States. And told by their countries like Venezuela don't ever come back or we're going to kill you. Do you know that crime in Venezuela and crime in countries all over the world is way down? You know why? Because they've taken their criminals off the street and they've given them to her to put into our country. And this will be one of the greatest mistakes in history for them to allow -- and I think they probably did it because they think they're going to get votes. But it's not worth it. Because they're destroying the fabric of our country by what they've done. There's never been anything done like this at all. They've destroyed the fabric of our country. Millions of people let in. And all over the world crime is down. All over the world except here. Crime here is up and through the roof. Despite their fraudulent statements that they made. Crime in this country is through the roof. And we have a new form of crime. It's called migrant crime. And it's happening at levels that nobody thought possible.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: President Trump, as you know, the FBI says overall violent crime is actually coming down in this country, but Vice President the...</i><br>Excuse me, the FBI -- they were defrauding statements. They didn't include the worst cities. They didn't include the cities with the worst crime. It was a fraud. Just like their number of 818,000 jobs that they said they created turned out to be a fraud. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>Responding to Harris listing the criminal cases against Trump:</i><br>Excuse me. Every one of those cases was started by them against their political opponent. And I'm winning most of them and I'll win the rest on appeal. And you saw that with the decision that came down just recently from the Supreme Court. I'm winning most of them. But those are cases, it's called weaponization. Never happened in this country. They weaponized the justice department. Every one of those cases was involved with the DOJ, from Atlanta and Fani Willis -- to the attorney general of New York and the D.A. In New York. Every one of those cases. And then they say oh, he was -- he's a criminal. They're the ones that made them go after me. By the way, Joe Biden was found essentially guilty on the documents case. And what happened in my documents case? They said oh, that's the toughest of them all. A complete and total victory. Two months ago it was thrown out. It's weaponization. And they used it. And it's never happened in this country. They used it to try and win an election. They're fake cases….<br>…This is the one that weaponized. Not me. She weaponized. I probably took a bullet to the head because of the things that they say about me. They talk about democracy. I'm a threat to democracy. They're the threat to democracy – With the fake Russia Russia Russia investigation that went nowhere. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>Responding to Harris‘ statement that he inherited $400 million:</i><br>Well, first of all, I wasn't given $400 million. I wish I was. My father was a Brooklyn builder. Brooklyn, Queens. And a great father and I learned a lot from him. But I was given a fraction of that, a tiny fraction, and I built it into many, many billions of dollars. Many, many billions. And when people see it, they are even surprised. So, we don't have to talk about that. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *She went out -- she went out in Minnesota and wanted to let criminals that killed people, that burned down Minneapolis, she went out and raised money to get them out of jail. She did things that nobody would ever think of. Now she wants to do transgender operations on illegal aliens that are in prison. This is a radical left liberal that would do this. She wants to confiscate your guns and she will never allow fracking in Pennsylvania. If she won the election, fracking in Pennsylvania will end on day one. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *Because <b>the prices of energy were quadrupling and doubling.</b> You saw what happened to gasoline. So, they said let’s go back to Trump. But if she won the election, the day after that election, they’ll go back to destroying our country and oil will be dead, fossil fuel will be dead. We’ll go back to windmills and we’ll go back to solar, where they need a whole desert to get some energy to come out. You ever see a solar plant? By the way, I’m a big fan of solar. But they take 400, 500 acres of desert soil— These are not good things for the environment that she understands. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: You were the president. You were watching [the January 6th attack on the U.S. Capitol] unfold on television. It’s a very simple question as we move forward toward another election. Is there anything you regret about what you did on that day? Yes or no.<br></i>I had nothing to do with that other than they asked me to make a speech. I showed up for a speech. I said, I think it’s going to be big. I went to Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington, D.C. And the mayor put it back in writing, as you know. I said, you know, this is going to be a very big rally or whatever you want to call it. And again, it wasn’t done by me. It was done by others. I said I’d like to give you 10,000 National Guard or soldiers. They rejected me. Nancy Pelosi rejected me. It was just two weeks ago, her daughter has a tape of her saying she is fully responsible for what happened. They want to get rid of that tape. It would have never happened if Nancy Pelosi and the mayor of Washington did their jobs. <b>I wasn’t responsible for security. Nancy Pelosi was responsible. She didn’t do her job.</b> **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: Are you now acknowledging that you lost in 2020?</i><br>No, I don’t acknowledge that at all.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: But you did say that.</i><br>I said that sarcastically. You know that. It was said, oh we lost by a whisker. That was said sarcastically. Look, there’s so much proof. All you have to do is look at it. And they should have sent it back to the legislatures for approval. I got almost 75 million votes. The most votes any sitting president has ever gotten. I was told if I got 63, which was what I got in 2016, you can’t be beaten. The election, people should never be thinking about an election as fraudulent. We need two things. We need walls. We need — and we have to have it. We have to have borders. And we have to have good elections.<br>Our elections are bad. And a lot of these illegal immigrants coming in, they’re trying to get them to vote. They can’t even speak English. They don’t even know what country they’re in practically. And these people are trying to get them to vote. And that’s why they’re allowing them to come into our country. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: And [many judges] said there was no widespread [election] fraud.</i><br> No judge looked at it. They said we didn’t have standing. That’s the other thing. They said we didn’t have standing. A technicality. Can you imagine a system where a person in an election doesn’t have standing, the President of the United States doesn’t have standing? That’s how we lost. If you look at the facts, and I’d love to have you — you’ll do a special on it. I’ll show you Georgia and I’ll show you Wisconsin and I’ll show you Pennsylvania and I’ll show you — we have so many facts and statistics. But you know what? That doesn’t matter. Because we have to solve the problem that we have right now. That’s old news. And the problem that we have right now is we have a nation in decline and they have put it into decline. We have a nation that is dying, David **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …And world leaders are laughing at Donald Trump. I have talked with military leaders, some of whom worked with you. And they say you’re a disgrace….</i><br><i>DAVID MUIR: I’ll give you one minute to respond, Mr. President.</i><br>Let me just tell you about world leaders. Viktor Orban, one of the most respected men — they call him a strong man. He’s a tough person. Smart. Prime Minister of Hungary. They said why is the whole world blowing up? Three years ago it wasn’t. Why is it blowing up? He said because you need Trump back as president. They were afraid of him. China was afraid. And I don’t like to use the word afraid but I’m just quoting him. China was afraid of him. North Korea was afraid of him. Look at what’s going on with North Korea, by the way. He said Russia was afraid of him….<br>Look, Viktor Orban said it. He said the most respected, most feared person is Donald Trump. We had no problems when Trump was president. But when this weak pathetic man that you saw at a debate just a few months ago that if he weren’t in that debate he’d be running instead of her, she got no votes, he got 14 million votes, what you did, you talk about a threat to democracy. He got 14 million votes [in the primaries] and they threw him out of office. And you know what? I’ll give you a little secret. He hates her. He can’t stand her…. But he had 14 million votes. They threw them out. She got zero votes. And when she ran, she was the first one to leave because she failed. And now she’s running. I don’t understand it but I’m okay with it – because I think we’re going to do pretty well. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>LINSEY DAVIS: President Trump, how would you negotiate with Netanyahu and also Hamas in order to get the hostages out and prevent the killing of more innocent civilians in Gaza?</i><br>If I were president it would have never started. If I were president Russia would have never, ever -- I know Putin very well. He would have never -- and there was no threat of it either, by the way, for four years. Have gone into Ukraine and killed millions of people when you add it up. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *She hates Israel. <b>If she's president, I believe that Israel will not exist within two years from now. And I've been pretty good at predictions.</b> And I hope I'm wrong about that one. She hates Israel. At the same time in her own way she hates the Arab population because the whole place is going to get blown up, Arabs, Jewish people, Israel. Israel will be gone. It would have never happened. Iran was broke under Donald Trump. Now Iran has $300 billion because they took off all the sanctions that I had. Iran had no money for Hamas or Hezbollah or any of the 28 different spheres of terror. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And I'll get the war with Ukraine and Russia ended. If I'm President-Elect, I'll get it done before even becoming president. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …It is well known that he said of Putin that he can do whatever the hell he wants and go into Ukraine. It is well known when that he said when Russia went into Ukraine it was brilliant….</i><br>They're the ones -- and she's the one that caused it, that's weak on national security by allowing every nation last month for the year, 168 different countries sending people into our country. Their crime rates are way down. Putin endorsed her last week. Said I hope she wins. And I think he meant it. Because what he's gotten away with is absolutely incredible. It wouldn't have happened with me. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: …You have said you would solve this war [in Ukraine] in 24 hours. How exactly would you do that? And I want to ask you a very simple question tonight. Do you want Ukraine to win this war?</i><br>I want to get the war settled. I know Zelenskyy very well and I know Putin very well. I have a good relationship. And they respect your president. Okay? They respect me. They don't respect Biden….<br>If I win, when I'm President-Elect, and what I'll do is I'll speak to one, I'll speak to the other, I'll get them together. That war would have never happened. And in fact when I saw Putin after I left, unfortunately left because our country has gone to hell, but after I left when I saw him building up soldiers, he did it after I left, I said oh, he must be negotiating. It must be a good strong point of negotiation. Well, it wasn't because Biden had no idea how to talk to him. He had no idea how to stop it. And now you have millions of people dead and it's only getting worse and it could lead to World War 3. Don't kid yourself, David. We're playing with World War 3. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And we have a president that we don't even know if he's -- where is our president? We don't even know if he's a president.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: And just to clarify here.</I><br>They threw him out of a campaign like a dog. We don't even know, is he our president? But we have a president…<br><i>DAVID MUIR: Mr. President,--</i><br>…that doesn't know he's alive. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …If Donald Trump were president, Putin would be sitting in Kyiv right now….</i><br>Putin would be sitting in Moscow and he wouldn't have lost 300,000 men and women. But he would have been sitting in Moscow… But eventually, you know, he's got a thing that other people don't have. <b>He's got nuclear weapons. They don't ever talk about that. He's got nuclear weapons. Nobody ever thinks about that.</b> And eventually uh maybe he'll use them. Maybe he hasn't been that threatening. But he does have that. Something we don't even like to talk about. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *And that's the kind of talent we have with her. She's worse than Biden. In my opinion, I think he's the worst president in the history of our country. She goes down as the worst vice president in the history of our country. But let me tell you something. She is a horrible negotiator. They sent her in to negotiate. As soon as they left Putin did the invasion. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: [Regarding a peace deal Trump negotiated to end the Afghan War:] He bypassed the Afghan government. He negotiated directly with a terrorist organization called the Taliban. The negotiation involved the Taliban getting 5,000 terrorists, Taliban terrorists released.</i><br>So if you take a look at that period of time, the Taliban was killing our soldiers, a lot of them, with snipers. And I got involved with the Taliban because the Taliban was doing the killing. That's the fighting force within Afghanistan. They don't bother doing that because you know, they deal with the wrong people all the time. But I got involved. And Abdul is the head of the Taliban. He is still the head of the Taliban. And I told Abdul don't do it anymore, you do it anymore you're going to have problems. And he said why do you send me a picture of my house? I said you're going to have to figure that out, Abdul. And for 18 months we had nobody killed. We did have an agreement negotiated by Mike Pompeo. It was a very good agreement. The reason it was good, it was -- we were getting out. We would have been out faster than them, but we wouldn't have lost the soldiers. We wouldn't have left many Americans behind. And we wouldn't have left -- we wouldn't have left $85 billion worth of brand new beautiful military equipment behind. And just to finish, they blew it. The agreement said you have to do this, this, this, this, this, and they didn't do it. They didn't do it. The agreement was, was terminated by us because they didn't do what they were supposed to do. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>DAVID MUIR: …Why do you believe it's appropriate to weigh in on the racial identity of your opponent?</i><br>I don't. And I don't care. I don't care what she is. I don't care. You make a big deal out of something. I couldn't care less. Whatever she wants to be is okay with me.<br><i>DAVID MUIR: But those were your words. So, I'm asking --</i><br>I don't know. I don't know. All I can say is I read where she was not Black, that she put out. And, I'll say that. And then I read that she was black. And that's okay. Either one was okay with me. That's up to her. That's up to her. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>KAMALA HARRIS: …Let's remember, this is the same individual who took out a full-page ad in The New York Times calling for the execution of five young Black and Latino boys who were innocent, the Central Park Five. Took out a full-page ad calling for their execution….</i><br>This is the most divisive presidency in the history of our country. There's never been anything like it. They're destroying our country. And they come up with things like what she just said going back many, many years when a lot of people including Mayor Bloomberg agreed with me on the Central Park Five. They admitted -- they said, they pled guilty. And I said, well, if they pled guilty they badly hurt a person, killed a person ultimately. And if they pled guilty -- then they pled we're not guilty. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<b>I built one of the greatest economies in the history of the world and I'm going to build it again.</b> It's going to be bigger, better and stronger. But they're destroying our economy. They have no idea what a good economy is. Their oil policies -- every single policy -- and remember this. She is Biden. She's trying to get away from Biden. I don't know the gentleman, she says. She is Biden. The worst inflation we've ever had. A horrible economy because inflation has made it so bad and she can't get away with that. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *She is destroying our country. She has a plan to defund the police. She has a plan to confiscate everybody's gun. She has a plan to not allow fracking in Pennsylvania or anywhere else. That's what her plan is until just recently. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>LINSEY DAVIS: …So tonight, nine years after you first started running, do you have a [healthcare] plan and can you tell us what it is?</i><br>Obamacare was lousy health care. Always was. It's not very good today. And what I said, that if we come up with something, we are working on things, we're going to do it and we're going to replace it…. And what we will do is we're looking at different plans. If we can come up with a plan that's going to cost our people, our population less money and be better health care than Obamacare, then I would absolutely do it. But until then I'd run it as good as it can be run.<br><i>LINSEY DAVIS: So just a yes or no, you still do not have a plan?</i><br>I have concepts of a plan. I'm not president right now. But if we come up with something I would only change it if we come up with something better and less expensive. And there are concepts and options we have to do that. And you'll be hearing about it in the not-too-distant future. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *<i>Closing Statement:</i><br>…We're a failing nation. We're a nation that's in serious decline. We're being laughed at all over the world. All over the world, they laugh, I know the leaders very well. They're coming to see me. They call me. We're laughed at all over the world. They don't understand what happened to us as a nation. We're not a leader. We don't have any idea what's going on. We have wars going on in the Middle East. We have wars going on with Russia and Ukraine. We're going to end up in a third World War. And it will be a war like no other because of nuclear weapons, the power of weaponry. I rebuilt our entire military. She gave a lot of it away to the Taliban. She gave it to Afghanistan. What these people have done to our country, and maybe toughest of all is allowing millions of people to come into our country, many of them are criminals, and they're destroying our country. The worst president, the worst vice president in the history of our country. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/harris-trump-presidential-debate-transcript/story?id=113560542 Harris-Trump presidential debate transcript], ''ABC News'' (September 10, 2024) *It was 3 on 1, but they were mentally challenged people, against one person of extraordinary genius. **[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/abc-fake-news-trump-rages-network-under-investigation-after-debate-3-mentally-challenged-people-on-1-extraordinary-genius/] *They didn't correct her [Harris] once and they corrected me. Everything I said, practically, I think 9 times or 11 times. And the audience was absolutely, they went crazy. And the real, I thought, I walked off and I said, 'that was a great debate, I loved it.' **Regarding the debate audience (which there wasn‘t one), [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-praises-nonexistent-debate-crowd-they-went-crazy-1956251 Donald Trump's Debate Crowd Comment Sparks Confusion: 'They Went Crazy'], ''Newsweek'' (September 19, 2024) ==== October 2024 ==== * We do a lot of these beautiful rallies, and it's so great. We never have an empty seat, never have. Look at it. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-rally-videos-empty-seats-1966810 "Donald Trump Rally Videos Show Hundreds of Empty Seats"], ''Newsweek'' (October 10, 2024) *We have two enemies: We have the outside enemy, and then we have the enemy from within. And the enemy from within, in my opinion, is more dangerous than China, Russia and all these countries… But the thing that's tougher to handle are these lunatics that we have inside, like Adam Schiff — Adam 'Shifty' Schiff… I call him the enemy from within. When you look at the danger he put our country in potentially with Russia — with a phony, made-up deal that he made up with Hillary and some bad people. ** [https://www.foxnews.com/media/former-president-trump-calls-enemy-within-more-dangerous-any-foreign-entity Former President Trump calls the 'enemy from within' more dangerous than any foreign entity] ''FoxNews'' (October 13, 2024) *So we’re gonna take care of it, you and me. I’ll tell you, if everything works out and everybody gets out on January 5th, or before. You know, it used to be, you’d have a date. Today, you can vote two months before, probably three months after. They don’t know what the hell they’re doing. But we’re gonna straighten it all out. We’re gonna straighten that out, too. We’re gonna straighten out our election process, too. That’s gotta be important also. **[https://www.mediaite.com/politics/whoops-trump-tells-supporters-to-get-out-and-vote-on-january-5th/ Whoops! Trump Tells Supporters to Get Out and Vote on ‘January 5th’] ''Mediaite'' (October 14, 2024) *Let’s not do any more questions. Let’s just listen to music. Let’s make it into a music. Who the hell wants to hear questions, right? **[https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/ar-AA1sha0E Trump sways and bops to music for 39 minutes in bizarre town hall episode] ''The Washington Post'' (October 14, 2024) *To me, the most beautiful word in the dictionary is tariff, and it’s my favorite word. It needs a public relations firm. **[https://www.bloomberg.com/news/newsletters/2024-10-15/in-trump-s-economic-plan-tariff-is-the-most-beautiful-word In Trump’s Economic Plan, Tariff Is ‘the Most Beautiful Word’] ‘’Bloomberg News’’ (October 15, 2024) * I’m the father of IVF. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/10/16/politics/fact-check-trump-false-claims-fox-townhall/index.html "Fact check: Trump makes at least 19 false claims in one-hour Fox town hall with women"], ''CNN'' (October 16, 2024) * [[w:Ashli Babbitt | Ashli Babbitt]] was killed, nobody was killed. ** Claimed about the [[2021 United States Capitol attack| January 6, 2020 United States Capitol attack]]. Quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-univision-town-hall-hispanic-voters-audience-reaction-1970402 "Univision Audience Reaction to Donald Trump Answer in Town Hall Goes Viral"], ''Newsweek'' (October 17, 2024) *Very importantly, you had hundreds of thousands of people come to Washington [on January 6th]. They didn’t come because of me. They came because of the election. They thought the election was a rigged election and that’s why they came. Some of those people went down to the Capitol, I said, peacefully and patriotically, nothing done wrong at all. Nothing done wrong. And action was taken, strong action. Ashli Babbitt was killed. Nobody was killed. There were no guns down there. We didn’t have guns. The others had guns, but we didn’t have guns. And when I say “we” these are people that walk down, this was a tiny percentage of the overall, which nobody sees and nobody shows.<br>But that was a day of love from the standpoint of the millions, it’s like hundreds of thousands. It could have been the largest group I’ve ever spoken before. They asked me to speak. I went and I spoke and I used the term peacefully and patriotically. If you look at the Democrats, what they say, you look at Maxine Waters, and you look at Hillary Clinton and you look at what they say and they don’t put that on. They only put Republicans on, but they couldn’t get me because of the fact that I said, everything’s got to be peaceful and patriotic and we’ll see how it all works out. **In response to a question about why a voter should support Trump after his role on January 6th [https://www.rev.com/blog/transcripts/trump-town-hall-on-univision Trump Town Hall on Univision] (October 17, 2024) *Kamala should be investigated and forced off the Campaign, and Joe Biden allowed to take back his rightful place (He got 14 Million Primary Votes, she got none!). THIS WHOLE SORDID AND FRAUDULENT EVENT IS A THREAT TO DEMOCRACY! **As it appeared on Truth Social, reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-melts-down-in-wild-post-claiming-kamala-harris-should-be-investigated-and-biden-should-be-his-opponent-again/ Trump Melts Down In Wild Post Claiming Kamala Harris ‘Should Be Investigated’ And Biden Should Be His Opponent Again] Mediaite (October 17, 2024) * We have another former New York City mayor with us. Frankly, easily the worst in our history. And it's not [[Michael Bloomberg|Michael]], that I can tell you. I'm surprised that [[Bill de Blasio|Bill de Blasio]] was actually able to make it tonight, to be honest. He was a terrible mayor. I don't give a shit if this is comedy or not. He was a terrible mayor. He did a horrible job. That's not comedy, by the way. That's fact. ** Al Smith dinner (October 17, 2024) * If we go with Kamala, you won’t have any cows anymore.<br>They want to do things like no more cows and no windows in buildings. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4941581-trump-says-no-cows-under-harris/ "Trump tells child there will be no cows under Harris"], ''The Hill'' (October 18, 2024) *<i>Howard Kurtz:</i> But when you said, you know, it's gone viral, they're eating the dogs, they're eating the cats. But why not say now, well, look, that turned out not to be true.<br><i>Trump:</i> I don't know if it's true or not true.<br><i>Kurtz:</i> You don't know if it's true or not true. It's been debunked by the officials.<br><i>Trump:</i> What about the goose? The geese? They're all missing. It was one guy with two geese. I have no idea. I said something. The big problem is that you can't put 30,000 people into a 50,000-person town or city and expect this city to even survive or do well. What they've done to Springfield, Ohio, is very, very unfair. And I mean, there are a lot of stories. There are a lot of other stories that I've heard that are horrible stories... Don't don't, you know, blame me.<br><i>Kurtz:</i> Well, I think it's been debunked by local officials.<br><i>Trump:</i> I don't think it's been debunked at all. I think nobody talks about it except you. *If radical left lunatics disrupt the election, it should be very easily handled by — if necessary, by National Guard, or if really necessary, by the military. **Interview with Fox New host Howard Kurtz in [https://www.rawstory.com/trump-haitians-debunked/ 'It's been debunked': Fox News host fact checks Trump to his face on Springfield Haitians] ''RawStory'' (October 20, 2024) [https://whyy.org/articles/trump-election-2024-kamala-harris-elizabeth-cheney-threat-civil-liberties/] *Comrade Kamala Harris sees that she is losing, and losing badly, especially after stealing the Race from Crooked Joe Biden, so now she is increasingly raising her rhetoric, going so far as to call me Adolf Hitler, and anything else that comes to her warped mind. She is a Threat to Democracy **[https://nitter.poast.org/realDonaldTrump/status/1849272632237056163#m] *I NEED THE KIND OF GENERALS THAT HITLER HAD **[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/10/trump-military-generals-hitler/680327/] *When Kamala came in, she dismantled our border and threw open the gates to an invasion of criminal migrants. We're a dumping ground. We're like a garbage can for the world. That's what's happened. That's what's happened to our ... We're like a garbage can **[https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-ripped-saying-america-garbage-can-1974727] *He’d take all the candy away very quickly. She wouldn’t have any idea what happened. It would be like a grand chess master playing a beginner. We would lose our country or be in World War III,because she’d get exasperated. She’s in no way able to handle him. He’s a fierce individual. **[https://nypost.com/2024/10/24/us-news/trump-says-iranian-regime-wouldnt-have-to-end-if-he-were-president-suggests-peace-could-be-close/?utm_source=twitter&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=nypost] *Now we have income taxes, and we have people that are dying. They're paying tax, and they don't have the money to pay the tax. In the old days … we had so much money, they had to set up committees, blue-ribbon committees, [on] how to spend our wealth. We had no idea how to spend it with so much money. Then we went to the income tax system and the rest is sort of history. But no, there is a way **[https://www.foxnews.com/media/trump-tells-bronx-barbershop-what-he-would-do-differently-elected-second-time-its-all-about-people] *And my people told me about four weeks ago, I was saying, ‘No, I want to protect the people. I want to protect the women of our country. I want to protect the women.’<br>“‘Sir, please don’t say that.’<br>“They said, ‘We think it’s, it’s very inappropriate for you to say.’<br>“I pay these guys a lot of money. Can you believe it? Well, I’m going to do it whether the women like it or not. I’m going to protect them. **[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-protect-women-green-bay-rally_n_6722f2d1e4b02f5ab1d23299 Trump Says He Will Protect Women ‘Whether The Women Like It Or Not’] ''HuffPost'' (October 30, 2024) *She's a radical war hawk. Let's put her with a rifle standing there, with nine barrels shooting at her, okay? Let's see how she feels about it, you know, when the guns are trained on her face. **Referring to [[Liz Cheney]], reported in [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-suggests-liz-cheney-should-face-firing-squad-her-foreign-policy-stance-2024-11-01/ Arizona prosecutor investigating Trump for saying Cheney should face gunfire] ''Reuters'' (October 31, 2024) ==== November 2024 ==== *I could’ve been anywhere I wanted to be. I could’ve had those waves smacking me in the face. That white, beautiful white skin that I have would be nice and tan. I got the whitest skin ’cause I never have time to go out in the sun. But I have that beautiful white, and you know what? It could’ve been beautiful, tanned, beautiful. **[https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/trump-boasts-he-has-beautiful-white-skin-right-after-slamming-kamala-harris/ar-AA1tmtNv Trump Boasts He Has ‘Beautiful White Skin’ Right After Slamming Kamala Harris] ''MSN'' (November 2, 2024) *I shouldn’t have left. I mean, honestly, because we did so, we did so well. **[https://www.cnn.com/2024/11/03/politics/trump-dark-closing-message/index.html Trump says he ‘shouldn’t have left’ the White House as he closes campaign with increasingly dark message] ''CNN'' (November 3, 2024) * In many cases, our allies are worse than our so-called enemies. ** Claimed about allied NATO members and Russia, quoted in [https://tvpworld.com/83295959/us-elections-trump-calls-allies-worse-than-enemies "Trump claims US is being exploited by allies, calls them ‘worse than enemies’"], ''TVP World'' (November 3, 2024) *Now I want to take this opportunity to give you some advice. Over the course of your life, you will find that things are not always fair, you will find that things happen to you that you do not deserve, and that are not always warranted, but you have to put your head down, and FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Never ever ever give up, things will work out just fine. Look at the way I've been treated lately, especially by the media. No politician in history, and I say this is great surety, has been treated worse, more unfairly. You can't let them get you down, you can't let the critics, and the naysayers get in the way of your dream. I guess that's why I won, thank you. I guess that's why we won. Adversity makes you stronger, don't give in, don't back down, and never stop doing what you know is right. Nothing worth doing, ever ever ever came easy, and the more righteous you fight, the more opposition that you will face. I've accomplished a tremendous amount, in a very short time as president. **Speech (November 6, 2024){{fact}} *Any Republican Senator seeking the coveted LEADERSHIP position in the United States Senate must agree to Recess Appointments (in the Senate!), without which we will not be able to get people confirmed in a timely manner. Sometimes the votes can take two years, or more. This is what they did four years ago, and we cannot let it happen again. We need positions filled IMMEDIATELY! **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/trump-senate-majority-candidates-recess-appointments-rcna179515 Trump declares Senate majority candidates should allow him to make recess appointments] ''NBC News'' (November 10, 2024) ==== December 2024 ==== * I spoke to over 100 countries. You wouldn’t believe how many countries there are. ** 16 December 2024, [https://www.politico.com/news/2024/12/16/trump-defamation-polio-001230 Politico] and [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/12/17/politics/trump-honeymoon-analysis/index.html CNN] ===2025=== {| style="float:center; background:none;border: 1px solid silver;{{Border-radius|35px}}; margin:15px; background-color:#F6F6F6;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- |<div id="articlecount" style="width:100%; text-align:center; font-size:105%;"> 20 January 2025 [[File:Seal of the President of the United States.svg|20px]] - Donald Trump's 2nd presidency began</div> |- |} {{main|Second presidency of Donald Trump}} ====January 2025==== *I’d like Egypt to take people. You're talking about probably a million and a half people, and we just clean out that whole thing and say, 'You know, it's over.’ **Regarding what to do with the Palestinian refugees currently on the Gaza Strip, quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2025/01/26/g-s1-44831/trump-jordan-egypt-accept-more-refugees-just-clean-out-gaza Trump wants Jordan and Egypt to accept more refugees to 'just clean out' Gaza] ''NPR'' (January 26, 2025) *Because I have common sense, OK, and unfortunately a lot of people don't. **When asked how he could come to the conclusion that FAA diversity policies had something to do with the fatal air disaster at Reagan Washington National Airport, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-evidence-appears-blame-faa-diversity-initiatives-factor/story?id=118272015 Trump goes on offensive against FAA diversity initiatives during DC crash briefing, prompts fierce backlash] ''ABC News'' (January 30, 2025) ====February 2025==== [[File:Trump - Long Live the King.jpg|thumb|Manhattan, and all of New York, is SAVED. LONG LIVE THE KING!]] *He who saves his Country does not violate any Law **15 February 2025 on [https://x.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1890831570535055759 X tweet] and ''Truth Social'', quoted in [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-napoleon-saves-country-quote-rod-steiger-b2699102.html Trump suggests he’s above the law with ominous Napoleon quote] ''Independent'' (February 16, 2025) **A reference to a maxim attributed to [[Napoleon]] by [[Honoré de Balzac]], "Who saves his country violates no law" ("Celui qui sauve sa patrie ne viole aucune loi"). *The 14th Amendment Right of American Citizenship never had anything to do with modern day "gate crashers," illegal immigrants who break the Law by being in our Country, it had everything to do with giving Citizenship to former slaves. **16 February 2025 [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114014567906020636 post on TruthSocial], quoted same day by [https://nypost.com/2025/02/16/us-news/president-trump-sparks-meltdown-for-sharing-napoleon-quote/ Ryan King of New York Post] and [https://www.newsnationnow.com/politics/trump-14th-amendment-slaves-not-migrants/ Patrick Djordjevic of News Nation Now] *It’s called the Gulf of America now. It’s not called the Gulf of Mexico any longer. I have the right to do it. We are going to keep them out until such time that they agree it is the Gulf of America. **Referring to AP reporters being banned from the White House, referenced in [https://deadline.com/2025/02/trump-ap-gulf-of-mexico-1236294031/ Donald Trump Says White House Will Prohibit Associated Press From Events Until They Agree To Rename Gulf Of Mexico] ''Deadline'' (February 18, 2025) * I had an approval rating today of 71 and another one of 69. I have not heard of those numbers before. ** [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trump-generously-makes-approval-rating-defying-reality-rcna193139 "Trump generously makes up an approval rating for himself, defying reality"] ''MSNBC'' (February 21, 2025) ====March 2025==== *Wow, that's beautiful. This is a different panel than I've ever — '''everything's computer!''' **When inspecting a Tesla Model S at the White House; quoted from [https://www.businessinsider.com/donald-trump-tesla-model-s-review-everythings-computer-2025-3 Donald Trump reviews Tesla Model S: 'Everything's computer'] ''Business Insider'' (Mar 11, 2025) ====April 2025==== *I call it a lot of different names, but it's really, in a sense, it's a rebirth of a country because how we could have afforded to do what we did, we helped everybody and they don't help us. The term I like best probably is the liberation of America.<br>It's a liberation of this country because it's incredible. Look, we have 36 trillion in debt for a reason and that accumulates over a long period of time. What you're going to be seeing over the next couple of days will be very inspiring to a lot of people. **Regarding the round of tariffs expected to be enforced on most imported goods beginning April 2nd as referenced in [https://www.tribuneindia.com/news/united-states/trump-says-india-will-substantially-cut-tariffs-signals-major-us-tariff-moves/ "Trump says India will 'substantially' cut tariffs, signals major US tariff moves"] ''The Tribune'' (April 1, 2025) *We are going to be very nice, relatively speaking. We are going to be very kind....<br>Somebody said that about me the other day, who doesn’t know me very well. They said — ‘You are such a kind person’ and I said, ‘Say that again.’ They said, ‘You are a kind person.’ I said, ‘I’ve never heard that before.’ **Speaking on the severity of the tariffs as reported in [https://www.cnn.com/2025/04/01/politics/trump-tariffs-liberation-day-oval-office/index.html Trump has the world on edge as he mulls fateful tariffs decades in the making] ''CNN'' (April 1, 2025)[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/stephen-colbert-trump-weird-confession_n_67ece159e4b048fde6fe94e3] *THE OPERATION IS OVER! THE PATIENT LIVED, AND IS HEALING. THE PROGNOSIS IS THAT THE PATIENT WILL BE FAR STRONGER, BIGGER, BETTER, AND MORE RESILIENT THAN EVER BEFORE. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! **Posted on Truth Social following the implementation of sweeping tariffs as reported in [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/us-and-world/the-operation-is-over-the-patient-lived-donald-trump-after-shaking-global-economies-with-us-tariffs/articleshow/119949495.cms ‘The operation is over, the patient lived’: Donald Trump after shaking global economies with US tariffs] ''The Times of India'' (April 3, 2025) *I think it's going very well. It was an operation, like when a patient gets operated on and it's a big thing. I said this would exactly be the way it is....<br>The markets are going to boom, the stock is going to boom, the country is going to boom, and the rest of the world wants to see is there any way they can make a deal. They've taken advantage of us for many, many years. For many years we've been at the wrong side of the ball. And I'll tell you what, I think it's going to be unbelievable. **When asked how things were going after a drop in the stock market the first day after Trump's tariff announcement as reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trust-president-trump-white-house-defending-tariffs-amid/story?id=120449641 Trump says ‘it’s going very well’ after tariffs roil markets] ''ABC News'' (April 3, 2025) *TO THE MANY INVESTORS COMING INTO THE UNITED STATES AND INVESTING MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF MONEY, MY POLICIES WILL NEVER CHANGE. THIS IS A GREAT TIME TO GET RICH, RICHER THAN EVER BEFORE!!! **Posted on ''Truth Social'' following the announcement of his worldwide tariffs policy and the resulting sharp sell-off in the stock market a day later as reported in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/apr/04/trump-tariffs-truth-social Trump insists he won’t back down from global trade war as markets slump] ''The Guardian'' (April 4, 2025) *...We are bringing back jobs and businesses like never before. Already, more than FIVE TRILLION DOLLARS OF INVESTMENT, and rising fast! THIS IS AN ECONOMIC REVOLUTION, AND WE WILL WIN. HANG TOUGH, it won’t be easy, but the end result will be historic. We will, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114285375813275308 Truth Social] (April 5, 2025) *It's the only chance we're going to have to reset the table on trade, and when we do, we're going to come out unbelievably well. We're going to have a strong country economically again and we're going to have those factories that are empty all over the United States. **Indicating there would be no change of course regarding tariff plan, reported in [https://abc7chicago.com/post/donald-trump-tariff-formula-team-cites-chicago-economist-brent-neimans-work-he-says-math-doesnt-check/16141896/ Trump tariff team cites Chicago economist's work, but he says their math doesn't check out] ''ABC7 Chicago'' (April 7, 2025) *We’re dealing with them directly and maybe a deal is going to be made. Doing a deal would be preferable to doing the obvious.<br>Iran is going to be in great danger, and I hate to say it…. Iran cannot have a nuclear weapon, and if the talks aren’t successful, I think it’s going to be a very bad day for Iran. **Referring to upcoming talks with Iran about their nuclear capability, taken from [https://time.com/7275589/trump-iran-nuclear-program-talk/ Trump Says U.S. Will Have Direct Talks With Iran About Nuclear Program] ''TIME'' (April 7, 2025)[https://www.express.co.uk/news/world/2038962/us-could-be-bombing-iran] * There can be permanent tariffs and there can also be negotiations, because there are things that we need beyond tariffs. '''We need open borders.'''[https://www.yahoo.com/news/cognitive-decline-trump-calls-open-202617475.html] *I thought that people were jumping a little bit out of line. They were getting yippy. You know, they were getting a little bit yippy, a little bit afraid…. Over the last few days it looked pretty glum… You have to be flexible. You have to be able to show a little flexibility. And I'm able to do that. **Reasons given for pausing his tariff plan for 90 days for all countries except China, reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-explains-dramatic-reversal-tariffs-people-bit-afraid/story?id=120651386 Trump explains dramatic reversal on tariffs: People getting 'a little bit afraid'] ''ABC News'' (April 9.2025) *I’m not asking for much ... but they can't have a nuclear weapon.<br>If it requires military, we're going to have military. Israel will, obviously, be ... the leader of that. No one leads us. We do what we want.<br>I don't want to be specific. But when you start talks, you know if they're going along well or not. And I would say the conclusion would be when I think they're not going along well. **[https://www.usnews.com/news/world/articles/2025-04-09/trump-repeats-threat-to-use-military-force-if-iran-does-not-agree-to-nuclear-deal Trump Repeats Threat to Use Military Force if Iran Does Not Agree to Nuclear Deal] ''US News'' (April 9, 2025) *In my case, I like to take a nice shower, take care of my beautiful hair.... I have to stand under the shower for 15 minutes until it gets wet. It comes out drip, drip, drip. It’s ridiculous. **While signing an executive order repealing limits to the flow of water to bathroom showers, taken from [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/4/10/make-showers-great-again-why-trumps-fighting-bathroom-water-pressure ‘Make showers great again’: Why Trump’s fighting bathroom water pressure] ''Al Jazeera'' (April 10, 2025) *China wants to make a deal. They just don't know how quite to go about it. You know, it's one of those things they don't know quite. They're proud people and President Xi's a proud man. I know him very well. And they don't know quite how to go about it, but they'll figure it out. **Indicating he is waiting for China to call him regarding the recently imposed tariffs, reported in [https://www.pbs.org/weta/washingtonweek/video/2025/04/washington-week-with-the-atlantic-full-episode-41125 Washington Week with The Atlantic full episode, 4/11/25] ''Washington Week'' (April 11, 2025)[https://www.cnn.com/2025/04/10/politics/trump-xi-china-tariffs/index.html] *Homegrown criminals next. I said homegrowns are next, the homegrowns. You gotta build about five more [prisons]…. [The notorious Salvadoran mega-prison] is not big enough… If it's a homegrown criminal, I have no problem. Now we're studying the laws right now, Pam [Bondi] is studying. If we can do that, that's good…. And I'm talking about violent people. I'm talking about really bad people. Really bad people. Every bit as bad as the ones coming in. **Speaking to El Salvador's President Nayib Bukele, referring to US citizens accused of crimes being the next ones sent to Salvadoran prisons, reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/homegrowns-trump-doubles-sending-convicted-us-citizens-foreign/story?id=120802863 'Homegrowns are next': Trump doubles down on sending American 'criminals' to foreign prisons] ''ABC News'' (April 14, 2025) * Everyone knows that Harvard has “lost its way.” * Harvard has been hiring almost all woke, Radical Left, idiots and ‘birdbrains’ who are only capable of teaching FAILURE to students and so-called ‘future leaders * Harvard can no longer be considered even a decent place of learning, and should not be considered on any list of the World’s Great Universities or Colleges. Harvard is a JOKE, teaches Hate and Stupidity, and should no longer receive Federal Funds. ** [https://www.thefire.org/news/revoking-harvards-tax-exempt-status-will-threaten-all-nonprofits "Revoking Harvard’s tax-exempt status will threaten all nonprofits"], ''The Fire'' (April 18, 2025) * As you know, the cost of eggs has come down like 93, 94% since we took office. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/04/23/politics/price-of-eggs-gas-trump-fact-check/index.html "Fact check: Trump lies about the price of eggs, groceries and gas"], ''CNN'' (April 23, 2025) *I am not happy with the Russian strikes on KYIV. Not necessary, and very bad timing. Vladimir, STOP! **Taken from ''Truth Social'' as reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/International/russia-launches-massive-deadly-strike-kyiv-ukrainian-authorities/story?id=121113739 'Vladimir, STOP!' Trump says to Putin after deadliest Russian strike on Kyiv in months] ''ABC News'' (April 24, 2025) *The first time, I had two things to do—run the country and survive; I had all these crooked guys. And the second time, I run the country and the world.” **In response to what felt different about his second term compared to the first, quoted in [https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2025/06/trump-second-term-comeback/682573/ ‘I RUN THE COUNTRY AND THE WORLD’ Donald Trump believes he’s invincible. But the cracks are beginning to show] ''The Atlantic'' (April 28, 2025) * Great Pollster John McLaughlin, one of the most highly respected in the industry, has just stated that The Failing New York Times Poll, and the ABC/Washington Post Poll, about a person named DONALD J. TRUMP, ME, are FAKE POLLS FROM FAKE NEWS ORGANIZATIONS. The New York Times has only 37% Trump 2024 voters, and the ABC/Washington Post Poll has only 34% Trump Voters, unheard of numbers unless looking for a negative result, which they are. These people should be investigated for ELECTION FRAUD, and add in the FoxNews Pollster while you’re at it. They are Negative Criminals who apologize to their subscribers and readers after I WIN ELECTIONS BIG, much bigger than their polls showed I would win, loose a lot of credibility, and then go on cheating and lying for the next cycle, only worse. They suffer from Trump Derangement Syndrome, and there is nothing that anyone, or anything, can do about it. THEY ARE SICK, almost only write negative stories about me no matter how well I am doing (99.9% at the Border, BEST NUMBER EVER!), AND ARE TRULY THE ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! I wish them well, but will continue to fight to, MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! ** [https://www.axios.com/2025/04/28/trump-approval-ratings-slams-polls-truth-social "Trump lashes out against "fake polls" as his approval ratings sink"], ''Axios'' (April 28, 2025) * I am the candidate of peace. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/apr/28/us-escalation-yemen-civilian-casualties "Trump promised peace but brings rapid increase in civilian casualties to Yemen"] ''The Guardian'' (April 28, 2025) [[File:Pope Trump AI by Donald Trump.png|thumb|I'd like to be [[pope]]. That would be my number one choice.]] * I'd like to be pope. That would be my number one choice. No — I don't know, I have no preference. I must say we have a cardinal that happens to be out of a place called New York who's very good. ** Response to being asked after the death of [[Pope Francis]] who he would like to be the next Pope (29 April 2025); as quoted in [https://www.npr.org/2025/05/04/nx-s1-5386516/catholic-leaders-criticize-trump-ai-pope-photo?utm_term=nprnews&utm_campaign=npr&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com "Catholic leaders criticize Trump for posting apparent AI photo of himself as the pope", ''NPR'' (4 May 2025)] *PRESIDENT TRUMP: (Referring to a photo of what was tattooed on Abrego Garcia's knuckles:) M-S-1-3 -- It says M-S-one-three.<br>INTERVIEWER TERRY MORAN: I -- that was Photoshop….<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: That was Photoshop?… Do you want me to show the picture?<br>TERRY MORAN: I saw the picture. We'll agree to disagree --<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Oh, and you think it was Photoshop…. Go look at his hand. He had MS-13 --<br>TERRY MORAN: Fair enough, he did have tattoos that can be interpreted that way. I'm not an expert on them….<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Terry, no, no. No, no. He had MS as clear as you can be. Not "interpreted." This is why people no longer believe the news, because it's fake news.<br>TERRY MORAN: ...When he was photographed in El Salvador, they aren't there…. Take a look at the photograph —<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: But they're there now, right?… But they're there now?<br>TERRY MORAN: They're in your picture.<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Terry He's got MS-13 on his knuckles…. you do such a disservice —<br>TERRY MORAN: We'll take a look. We'll take a look at that, sir —<br>PRESIDENT TRUMP: Why don't you just say, "Yes, he does," and, you know, go on to something else -- **[https://abcnews.go.com/US/full-transcript-trumps-exclusive-100-days-broadcast-interview/story?id=121291672 FULL TRANSCRIPT: Trump's exclusive 100 days broadcast interview with ABC News] ''ABC News'' (April 29, 2025)[https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-trumps-photo-abrego-001600628.html] *Everybody's gonna be just fine. It wouldn't have been if I didn't do this. I had a choice. I could leave it, have a nice, easy time. But I think ultimately you would've had an implosion. Our country had inflation that was worse than they've ever had it before.<br>You don't mention that. Why don't you mention that? We had the worst inflation probably in the history of our country. People say 48 years, probably in the history of our country we had the worst inflation. And people were dying over the inflation. You know that. Now the grocery prices are coming down. The energy prices are coming down. Gasoline's coming down. It's all heading in the right direction. **In response to a question over the concern about the effect of the tariffs, taken from [https://abcnews.go.com/US/full-transcript-trumps-exclusive-100-days-broadcast-interview/story?id=121291672 FULL TRANSCRIPT: Trump's exclusive 100 days broadcast interview with ABC News] ''ABC News'' (April 29, 2025) *We're going to have something that you won't even believe. We will end inflation, slash prices. We've already ended inflation, raise wages, and give you the greatest economy in the history of the world. **[https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-teases-biggest-bill-ever-021733041.html Trump Teases 'Biggest Bill Ever Passed' and 'Military Supremacy' During Anniversary Rally] ''Yahoo! News'' (April 29, 2025) *This is Biden’s Stock Market, not Trump’s… I didn’t take over until January 20th. Tariffs will soon start kicking in, and companies are starting to move into the USA in record numbers…. Our Country will boom, but we have to get rid of the Biden 'Overhang. This will take a while, has NOTHING TO DO WITH TARIFFS, only that he left us with bad numbers, but when the boom begins, it will be like no other. BE PATIENT!!! **From Truth Social reported in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-pins-stock-market-struggles-biden-weeks-taking-credit-rcna203702 Trump puts market struggles on Biden as economy shrinks under his watch] ''NBC News'' (April 30, 2025) *You probably saw some numbers today, and I have to start off by saying that’s Biden — that’s not Trump — because we came in on January. We came in and I was very against everything that Biden was doing in terms of the economy. … We took over his mess in so many different ways.<br>I’m not taking credit or discredit for the stock market. I’m just saying we inherited a mess…. We came in on Jan. 20, so this is Biden. And you can even say the next quarter is, sort of, Biden, because it doesn’t just happen on a daily or an hourly basis, but we’re turning it around. It’s a big ship to turn around. **In remarks during a meeting with his Cabinet, reported in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-pins-stock-market-struggles-biden-weeks-taking-credit-rcna203702 Trump puts market struggles on Biden as economy shrinks under his watch] ''NBC News'' (April 30, 2025) *You know, somebody said, ‘Oh, the shelves are going to be open.’ Well, maybe the children will have two dolls instead of 30 dolls. So maybe the two dolls will cost a couple bucks more than they would normally. **More remarks during his Cabinet meeting, reported in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-economy-tariffs-gdp-7494825851dcef94ec81475124f9326f Trump says US kids may get ‘2 dolls instead of 30,’ but China will suffer more in a trade war] 'AP News' (April 30, 2025) ===== Liberation Day tariff announcements (2 April 2025) ===== Announced from the Rose Garden at the White House:[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trumps-liberation-day-arrives-gambles-big-risky-tariff/story?id=120382209] [https://nypost.com/2025/04/02/us-news/trump-slaps-at-least-10-tariffs-on-all-imports-in-declaration-of-economic-independence-half-of-what-they-could-be] [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-tariffs-great-depression-fdr-b2726461.html][https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6uFW0gHwXU][https://singjupost.com/transcript-of-president-trump-remarks-at-liberation-day-event-april-2-2025/?singlepage=1] *My fellow Americans, this is Liberation Day… April 2nd, 2025, will forever be remembered as the day American industry was reborn, the day America's destiny was reclaimed and the day that we began to make America wealthy again. *For decades, our country has been looted, pillaged, raped and plundered by nations near and far, both friend and foe alike. * Taxpayers have been ripped off for more than 50 years, but it is not going to happen anymore. *This is one of the most important days, in my opinion, in American history. It’s our declaration of economic independence. …now it’s our turn to prosper and in so doing use trillions and trillions of dollars to reduce our taxes and pay down our national debt and it will all happen very quickly. With today’s action we are finally going to be able to make America great again, greater than ever before. *Jobs and factories will come roaring back into our country, and you see it happening already. We will supercharge our domestic industrial base. We will pry open foreign markets and break down foreign trade barriers. And ultimately, more production at home will mean stronger competition and lower prices for consumers. This will be indeed the golden age of America. It’s coming back and we’re going to come back very strongly. *From 1789 to 1913, we were a tariff-backed nation and the United States was proportionately the wealthiest it has ever been. So wealthy, in fact, that in the 1880s, they established a commission to decide what they were going to do with the vast sums of money they were collecting….<br>Then in 1913, for reasons unknown to mankind, they established the income tax so that citizens rather than foreign countries would start paying the money necessary to run our government. Then in 1929, it all came to a very abrupt end with the Great Depression, and it would have never happened if they had stayed with the tariff policy. It would have been a much different story.<br>They tried to bring back tariffs to save our country, but it was gone. It was gone. It was too late. Nothing could have been done. It took years and years to get out of that depression, far longer than even FDR had that office right over there for a long period of time. *We will charge them approximately half of what they are and have been charging us because we are being very kind. This is not full reciprocal. This is kind reciprocal. *In short, chronic trade deficits are no longer merely an economic problem. They're a national emergency that threatens our security and our very way of life. It's a very great threat to our country. *These tariffs are going to give us growth like you haven’t seen before. And it’ll be something very special to watch. ====May 2025==== [[File:AI Donald Trump Star Wars.jpg|thumb|You’re not [[w:Rebel Alliance|the Rebellion]] — you’re [[w:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|the Empire]].]] *They all hated me in my first term, and now they’re kissing my ass. **Trump bragging about how tech moguls have warmed up to him, reported in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-alabama-commencement-address-protests-6bcea5b4058c819c26a8135b41d73dd1 Trump offers advice to University of Alabama graduates in speech interspersed with politics] 'AP News' (May 1, 2025) * The courts are trying to stop me from doing the job that I was elected to do. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/05/02/politics/ketanji-brown-jackson-trump-judges "Politico: Ketanji Brown Jackson warns Trump’s rhetoric against judges are ‘attacks on our democracy’"] ''CNN'' (May 2, 2025) * [[w:Star Wars Day|Happy May the 4th]] to all, including the Radical Left Lunatics who are fighting so hard to to bring [[w:Sith|Sith Lords]], Murderers, Drug Lords, Dangerous Prisoners, & well known MS-13 Gang Members, back into our Galaxy. You’re not [[w:Rebel Alliance|the Rebellion]] — you’re [[w:Galactic Empire (Star Wars)|the Empire]]. <br /> May the 4th be with you. ** [https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/1919053040734072844 Star Wars Day message on the Official WhiteHouse X account (4 May 2025)], accompanied by an AI generated image of Trump with a body-builder physique, wielding a [[w:Lightsaber|red lightsaber]] (which in [[Star Wars]] lore is emblematic of the often deceitful and profoundly evil [[w:Sith|Sith]] manifesting the "Dark side" of [[the Force]]). *<b>I don't know.</b> I have to respond by saying, again, I have brilliant lawyers that work for me, and they are going to obviously follow what the Supreme Court said. What you said is not what I heard the Supreme Court said. They have a different interpretation. **When asked whether he, as president, needs to abide by the Constitution and the rights it provides to people in the U.S., as reported in [https://www.npr.org/2025/05/04/g-s1-64239/does-a-president-need-to-uphold-the-constitution-trump-says-i-dont-know Does a president need to uphold the Constitution? Trump says 'I don't know'] ''NPR'' (May 4, 2025) *I think the good parts are the ‘Trump economy’ and the bad parts are the ‘Biden economy’ because he’s done a terrible job…. I was able to get down the costs. But even that, it takes a while to get them down. But we got them down good....<br>I’ve only just been here for a little more than three months. But the stock market, look at what’s happened in the last short period of time. Didn’t it have nine or 10 days in a row, or 11 days, where it’s gone up? And the tariffs have just started kicking in. And we’re doing really well. **In response to the question: ‘When does it become the Trump economy?’, quoted from [https://www.cnn.com/2025/05/04/business/trump-economy-tariffs-powell Trump says good parts of US economy are ‘Trump economy,’ bad parts are ‘Biden economy’] CNN (May 4 2025) * ‘Too Late’ Jerome Powell is a FOOL, who doesn’t have a clue. ** Claimed about the Chairman of the United States Federal Reserve, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/05/08/trump-calls-fed-chair-jerome-powell-a-fool-after-central-bank-keeps-rates-steady.html "Trump calls Fed Chair Jerome Powell a ‘fool’ after central bank keeps rates steady"], ''CNBC'' (May 8, 2025) *(U.S. ports slowing down) means we lose less money, you know? When I see that, that means we lose less money…. And frankly if we didn’t do business (with China), we would have been better off. So, when you say it slowed down, that’s a good thing, not a bad thing. **Responding to a reporter saying that traffic at U.S. ports “has really slowed, and now thousands of dockworkers and truck drivers are worried about their jobs”, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-exposes-own-idiocy-looming-171025385.html?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAAwAaX7rRwkUgizDt6XV1AOwYrv_ZMeBvHcxEMpvwsTm5lgFGs-RnNK7Brf0slvaI0V7WM6BAq1bFaEnDYKIOA9VnIsUr1OTy57i7_-oXYOG-Ti5H0ZkMgFatc6W-Oemxe82QXdtzNGQy_NC4PvCUlAd8MeWzovIDQhPgQAuh6I3 Trump Exposes Own Idiocy With Comment About Looming Shortages] ''Yahoo! News'' (May 8, 2025) *So the fact that the Defense Department is getting a GIFT, FREE OF CHARGE, of a 747 aircraft to replace the 40 year old Air Force One, temporarily, in a very public and transparent transaction, so bothers the Crooked Democrats that they insist we pay, TOP DOLLAR, for the plane. Anybody can do that! The Dems are World Class Losers!!! MAGA. **From ''Truth Social'' regarding a potential gift of a $400 million "palace in the sky" airplane from the Qatari government for Trump's use, reported in [https://thearabweekly.com/brewing-controversy-surrounds-qatars-intent-lavish-luxury-jet-trump Brewing controversy surrounds Qatar’s intent to lavish luxury jet on Trump] ''The Arab Weekly'' (May 12, 2025) *I think it's a great gesture from Qatar. I appreciate it very much. I would never be one to turn down that kind of an offer.<br>I mean, I could be a stupid person, say, 'No, we don't want a free, very expensive airplane.' I thought it was a great gesture.<br>…They're giving us a free jet. I could say, 'No, no, no, don't give us. I want to pay you a billion or $400 million, or whatever it is.' Or I could say, 'Thank you very much.' **Speaking to reporters at the White House regarding accepting a gift of a $400 million 747 airplane from Qatar, quoted in [https://www.axios.com/2025/05/12/trump-qatar-jet-free-plane-air-force-one Trump says it would be "stupid" not to accept free jet from Qatar] ''Axios'' (May 12, 2025) * European Union is in many ways nastier than China, okay. ** [https://www.politico.eu/article/trump-eu-nastier-than-china/ "Trump: The EU is ‘nastier than China’"], ''Politico'' (May 12, 2025) *Oh, what I do for the crown prince. The sanctions were brutal and crippling and served as an important, really an important function, nevertheless, at the time. But now it's their time to shine. **[https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-heaps-praise-saudi-crown-prince-touts-economic/story?id=121758613 Trump heaps praise on Saudi Crown Prince MBS as he touts economic development] ''ABC News'' (May 13, 2025) * I see that Highly Overrated Bruce Springsteen goes to a Foreign Country to speak badly about the President of the United States. Never liked him, never liked his music, or his Radical Left Politics and, importantly, he's not a talented guy - Just a pushy, obnoxious JERK * Has anyone noticed that, since I said 'I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT,' she’s no longer 'HOT? ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/entertainment/celebrities/2025/05/16/trump-calls-bruce-springsteen-obnoxious-jerk/83671059007/ "Trump calls Bruce Springsteen 'obnoxious jerk' after singer voiced criticism at concert"], ''USA Today'' (May 16, 2025) *...The biggest crime of all is that THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION WAS RIGGED! I (MAGA!) WON THE ELECTION BY MILLIONS OF VOTES, AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT. GOD BLESS AMERICA, FOR THE FIGHT HAS JUST BEGUN!!! **From ''Truth Social'' as reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/news/trump-goes-on-early-morning-ragefest-over-autopen-and-rigged-and-stolen-election/ Trump Goes On Early-Morning Ragefest Over ‘AUTOPEN’ And ‘RIGGED AND STOLEN’ Election] ''Mediaite'' (May 17, 2025) * They have a term, ‘grocery.’ It’s an old term, but it means basically what you’re buying: food. It’s a pretty accurate term, but it’s an old-fashioned sound, but groceries are down. * Costs are down, eggs are down. They were, first week they were hitting me with ‘Eggs were up 200%’ and now they’re down to a number that is amazing. We’re down 97, 98% from where they were. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/people-left-flabbergasted-trumps-explanation-213256638.html "People Left Flabbergasted By Trump's Explanation Of 1 English Word To UAE President"], ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (May 15, 2025) * Walmart should STOP trying to blame Tariffs as the reason for raising prices throughout the chain. Walmart made BILLIONS OF DOLLARS last year, far more than expected. Between Walmart and China they should, as is said, “EAT THE TARIFFS,” and not charge valued customers ANYTHING. I’ll be watching, and so will your customers!!! ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/05/17/trump-tells-walmart-to-eat-the-tariffs.html "Trump tells Walmart to ‘eat the tariffs’ after retailer warned it will raise prices"], ''CNBC'' (May 17, 2025) *HOW MUCH DID KAMALA HARRIS PAY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN FOR HIS POOR PERFORMANCE DURING HER CAMPAIGN FOR PRESIDENT? WHY DID HE ACCEPT THAT MONEY IF HE IS SUCH A FAN OF HERS? ISN’T THAT A MAJOR AND ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTION? WHAT ABOUT BEYONCÉ? …AND HOW MUCH WENT TO OPRAH, AND BONO??? I am going to call for a major investigation into this matter....For these unpatriotic “entertainers,” this was just a CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL way to capitalize on a broken system. **From ''Truth Social'' as reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/news/trump-demands-major-investigation-into-springsteen-beyonce-oprah-for-backing-kamala-harris-corrupt-unlawful/ Trump Demands ‘Major Investigation’ Into Springsteen, Beyoncé, Oprah for Backing Kamala Harris: ‘CORRUPT & UNLAWFUL!’] ''Mediate'' (May 19, 2025) * HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY TO ALL, INCLUDING THE SCUM THAT SPENT THE LAST FOUR YEARS TRYING TO DESTROY OUR COUNTRY THROUGH WARPED RADICAL LEFT MINDS, WHO ALLOWED 21,000,000 MILLION PEOPLE TO ILLEGALLY ENTER OUR COUNTRY, MANY OF THEM BEING CRIMINALS AND THE MENTALLY INSANE,THROUGH AN OPEN BORDER THAT ONLY AN INCOMPETENT PRESIDENT WOULD APPROVE, AND THROUGH JUDGES WHO ARE ON A MISSION TO KEEP MURDERERS, DRUG DEALERS, RAPISTS, GANG MEMBERS, AND RELEASED PRISONERS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD, IN OUR COUNTRY SO THEY CAN ROB, MURDER, AND RAPE AGAIN — ALL PROTECTED BY THESE USA HATING JUDGES WHO SUFFER FROM AN IDEOLOGY THAT IS SICK, AND VERY DANGEROUS FOR OUR COUNTRY. HOPEFULLY THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT, AND OTHER GOOD AND COMPASSIONATE JUDGES THROUGHOUT THE LAND, WILL SAVE US FROM THE DECISIONS OF THE MONSTERS WHO WANT OUR COUNTRY TO GO TO HELL. BUT FEAR NOT, WE HAVE MADE GREAT PROGRESS OVER THE LAST 4 MONTHS, AND AMERICA WILL SOON BE SAFE AND GREAT AGAIN! AGAIN, HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY, AND GOD BLESS AMERICA! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/fact-check-trumps-memorial-day-154700630.html "Fact Check: Trump's Memorial Day message"] ''Yahoo News'' (May 27, 20205) * What Vladimir Putin doesn’t realize is that if it weren’t for me, lots of really bad things would have already happened to Russia, and I mean REALLY BAD. He’s playing with fire! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/trump-brags-shielding-putin-not-204644595.html "Trump Brags About Shielding Putin, And It’s Not Going Over Well On Social Media"] ''Huffington Post'' (May 27, 2025) * There is no #JoeBiden - executed in 2020. #Biden clones doubles & robotic engineered soulless mindless entities are what you see. Democrats dont know the difference. ** Social media posting shared by Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trump-shares-bonkers-conspiracy-theory-about-joe-biden-being-replaced-by-clones/ "Trump Shares Unhinged Conspiracy Theory That Biden Is a Robot Clone"], ''Daily Beast'' (May 31, 2025) ===== [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-advice-university-alabama-commencement-speech-2067054 Donald Trump Shares 11 Pieces of Advice at Rally-Style Commencement Speech] Newsweek (1 May 2025) ===== # "If you're here today and think that you're too young to do something great, let me tell you that you are wrong. You're not too young. You can have great success at a very young age ... In America, with drive and ambition, young people can do anything." # "You have to love what you do. You have to. I rarely see somebody that's successful that doesn't love what he or she does ... If I didn't find it fun, I wouldn't be successful." # "The third thing is to think big. If you're going to do something, you might as well think big. I know a lot of people, they've thought small, they were very smart. I know others that weren't nearly as smart, but they had a better picture of the big picture, because it's just as hard to solve a small problem as a big problem and it's just as much energy and everything else, except the result is going to be a smaller one. So love what you do and think big if it's possible." # "Work hard. Never, ever stop," Trump said, before mentioning pro golf legend Gary Player. The president said Player "wasn't as big as other men, he was on the small side ... but he worked very, very hard. He made up for it. He never stopped." # "Don't lose your momentum. You just want to keep it going. And you have to know, if you are losing it, you have to know when you are losing it, so maybe you stop and maybe it's time to stop. Listen to the feedback, think through your plan very carefully and keep moving fast." # "If you want to change the world, you have to have the courage to be an outsider. In other words, you have to take certain risks and do things a little bit differently; otherwise, if that were the case, everybody would be successful. Doesn't work that way. Progress never comes from those satisfied with the failures of a broken system; it comes from those who want to fix the broken system. If you want to go to the top, you're just never going to do it unless you break the system ... You really do, you have to break the system a little bit and follow your own instincts. But if your vision is right, nothing will hold you down. Nothing. You have to have the right vision." # "Trust your instincts. Common sense. You can go very far in life with common sense and I applied that to politics because some of these things, like, they had open borders. Let everybody in the whole world flow into our country. That's not common sense." # "Everybody should believe in the American dream. It's real, it's there and it's right before you." # "Think of yourself as a winner. The power of positive thinking. Don't consider yourself a victim. Consider yourself a winner. In recent years, too many of our young people have really been taught to think of themselves as victims and blame people and be angry. Don't be angry. In America, we reject that idea that anyone is born a victim. Our heroes are the ones who take charge of their own destiny, make their own luck and determine their own fate, despite the odds." # "Be an original," Trump said as his penultimate piece of advice for the graduating class. "The all-time greats were people who had the confidence to be a little different ... God only created one of you. Remember that. You're all different, some are close, but nobody is the same. You're one of a kind so don't try to be someone else. Just be yourself." # "Never, ever give up. Never give up. Don't stop. Never, ever give up. Victory is right around the corner." ==== June 2025 ==== *The horrific decision stated that I would have to get the approval of Congress for these Tariffs. In other words, hundreds of politicians would sit around D.C. for weeks, and even months, trying to come to a conclusion as to what to charge other Countries that are treating us unfairly. If allowed to stand, this would completely destroy Presidential Power — The Presidency would never be the same! **Regarding the Court of International Trade’s decision stating that tariffs must be approved by Congress according to the Constitution, as quoted in “Truth Social” and reported in [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/congress-trade-tariffs-trump-gives-away-game-power-grab-rcna210366 On Congress and trade tariffs, Trump gives away the game about his power grab] ''MSNBC'' (June 2, 2025) * Because of Tariffs, our Economy is BOOMING! ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/donald-trumps-brag-about-booming-economy-immediately-gets-a-humiliating-reality-check/ "Trump’s Brag About ‘BOOMING’ Economy Immediately Gets a Humiliating Reality Check"], ''Daily Beast'' (June 3, 2025) *That was not a pleasant day for you? **About the 1945 D-Day landings, to Chancellor of Germany Friedrich Merz, who replied "This was the liberation of my country from Nazi dictatorship." ([https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/germanys-chancellor-visits-trump-as-europes-alliance-with-u-s-is-fracturing June 5, 2025]) * The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it! ** [https://www.axios.com/2025/06/05/elon-musk-twitter-trump-epstein-files "How Trump and Musk's relationship exploded in real time over X, Truth Social"], ''Axios'' (June 5, 2025) *We want to wean off of FEMA and we want to bring it down to the state level — a little bit like education, we're moving it back to the states.<br>It has not worked out well. It's extremely expensive and, again, when you have a tornado or a hurricane or you have a problem of any kind, in a state, that's what you have governors for. They're supposed to fix those problems, and it's much more local and they'll develop a system, and it will be a great system. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-fema-hurricane-season-wean-states/ Trump says his administration wants to "wean" states off FEMA aid after hurricane season] ''CBS News'' (June 11, 2025) * Remember eggs? We weren’t able to buy another egg for the next 20 years — they were so expensive, right? Eggs have come down 400%. ** [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-says-everybody-eggs-now-154300576.html "Trump says ‘everybody has eggs now’ since prices have dropped a staggering 400%. But is his math scrambled?"] ''Yahoo Finance / Moneywise'' (June 12, 2025) * Please help me with my military parade. ** Written in a fundraising e-mail, quoted in [https://www.mediaite.com/media/tv/chris-hayes-cackles-at-trump-email-sorry-thats-a-funny-sentence/ "Chris Hayes Cackles at Trump Email: ‘Sorry, That’s a Funny Sentence’"], ''Mediaite'' (June 13, 2025) * President Putin called this morning to very nicely wish me a Happy Birthday ** Quoted in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump/trump-says-putin-very-nicely-wished-him-happy-birthday-and-they-agreed-war-in-israel-iran-should-end-on-hour-long-call/ "Trump Says Putin ‘Very Nicely’ Wished Him Happy Birthday and They Agreed ‘War in Israel-Iran Should End’ on Hour-Long Call"], ''Mediaite'' (June 14, 2025) * We can easily get a deal done between Iran and Israel, and end this bloody conflict. ** [https://www.politico.eu/article/donald-trump-iran-retaliation-levels-never-seen-before/ "Trump threatens Iran with retaliation ‘at levels never seen before’"], ''Politico'' (June 15, 2025) *ICE Officers are herewith ordered, by notice of this TRUTH, to do all in their power to achieve the very important goal of delivering the single largest Mass Deportation Program in History.<br>In order to achieve this, we must expand efforts to detain and deport Illegal Aliens in America’s largest Cities, such as Los Angeles, Chicago, and New York, where Millions upon Millions of Illegal Aliens reside. These, and other such Cities, are the core of the Democrat Power Center, where they use Illegal Aliens to expand their Voter Base, cheat in Elections, and grow the Welfare State, robbing good paying Jobs and Benefits from Hardworking American Citizens. These radical left Democrats are sick of mind, hate our country and actually want to destroy our inner cities - and they are doing a good job of it! There is something wrong with them **From Truth Social reported in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/live-updates/trump-admin-updates-live/?id=122650591 Trump admin updates: Trump calls for expanded deportations in LA, NYC and more] ''ABC News'' (June 15, 2025) *I want them to focus on the cities because the cities are where you really have what's called sanctuary cities, and that's where the people are… Most of those people are in the cities, all blue cities, all Democrat-run cities, and they think they're going to use them to vote. It's not going to happen. **Speaking at the G7 Summit concerning the deportation of illegal aliens, reported in [https://www.cbs8.com/article/news/local/california/president-trump-orders-ice-to-target-democratic-run-cities/509-457960b7-63e1-4277-bc42-73d10918a0f4 Trump targets deportations in Democratic cities, sparks outrage in California] ''CBS8'' (June 16, 2025) *Well, considering that I’m the one that developed ‘America First,’ and considering that the term wasn’t used until I came along, I think I’m the one that decides that. **[https://www.msnbc.com/top-stories/latest/trump-america-first-iran-israel-strikes-rcna213299 Trump tries to redefine ‘America First’ in the face of MAGA backlash] ''MSNBC'' (June 16, 2025) *I think the governor of Minnesota is so whacked out. I'm not calling him. Why would I call him? I could call and say, 'Hi, how you doing?' Uh, the guy doesn't have a clue. He's a mess. I could be nice and call, but why waste time? **Explaining why he chose not to call Minnesota Governor [[Tim Walz]] following the political assassinations of state Representative [[Melissa Hortman]] (a Democrat) and her husband [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-call-walz-after-minnesota-shootings-calls-grossly/story?id=122870353 Trump says calling Walz after Minnesota shootings would be 'waste of time'] ''ABC News'' (June 17, 2025) * I don't believe in telephones. ** [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-14820045/Donald-Trump-G7-Iran-Air-Force-One.html "Donald Trump reveals the real reason he rushed home from the G7 in Canada while bombs fell on Tehran"] ''Daily Mail'' (June 17, 2025) *Let's have a good -- they call it a lifting. They also use another word, but I'm not gonna use that word. It starts with an E. Do you know what the word is? If I ever used it, I would be run out of town by you people. **While talking with reporters on the White House lawn, where he plans on installing two massive flagpoles, reported in [https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/trump-cracks-crude-genitalia-joke-35414899 Trump cracks crude genitalia joke at flagpole ceremony amid fears he'll be 'run out of town'] ''Irish Star'' (June 18, 2025) *My supporters are more in love with me today, and I'm more in love with them, more than they even were at election time where we had a total landslide…<br>I may have some people that are a little bit unhappy now, but I have some people that are very happy, and I have people outside of the base that can't believe that this is happening, they're so happy ... and there was a poll that just came out today and my approval rating’s the highest it’s ever been. **Speaking to reporters at the White House on the South Lawn, asked about supporters’ concerns regarding involvement in the Israel-Iran conflict quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/wireStory/trump-supporters-love-involvement-iran-roils-maga-world-122978793 Trump says supporters are 'more in love' with him than ever, as involvement in Iran roils MAGA world] ''ABC News'' (June 18, 2025)[https://www.al.com/politics/2025/06/trump-claims-his-approval-rating-is-the-highest-its-ever-been-numbers-tell-a-different-story.html] * I may do it. I may not do it. Nobody knows what I'm going to do. ** Said about the possibility of attacking Iran, 18 June 2025. Quoted in Allan Little [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/czxww2kez0go How Trump is using the 'Madman Theory' to try to change the world (and it's working)] ''BBC News'' (July 6, 2025) * I stopped the war between Pakistan and India. ** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/third-time-india-pushes-back-trumps-dubious-boasts-rcna213931 "For the third time, India pushes back against Trump’s dubious boasts"] ''MSNBC'' (June 19, 2025) *Zero Border crossings for the month for TRUMP, verses 60,000 for Sleepy, Crooked Joe Biden, a man who lost the 2020 Presidential Election by a “LANDSLIDE!” Biden was grossly incompetent, and the 2020 election was a total FRAUD! The evidence is MASSIVE and OVERWHELMING. A Special Prosecutor must be appointed. This cannot be allowed to happen again in the United States of America! **Taken from Truth Social post in [https://www.mediaite.com/politics/trump-calls-for-special-prosecutor-for-alleged-election-fraud-in-2020-claiming-he-won-in-a-landslide/ Trump Calls for Special Prosecutor for Alleged Election Fraud in 2020 — Claiming He Won in a ‘LANDSLIDE!’] ''Mediaite'' (June 20, 2025) *It’s not politically correct to use the term, ‘Regime Change’, but if the current Iranian Regime is unable to MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN, why wouldn’t there be a Regime change? MIGA!!! **''Truth Social'' posting, reported in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/us/news/2025/06/23/trump-agitates-for-iran-regime-change/ Trump agitates for regime change to ‘make Iran great again’] ''The Telegraph'' (June 22, 2025) *CONGRATULATIONS TO EVERYONE! It has been fully agreed by and between Israel and Iran that there will be a Complete and Total CEASEFIRE (in approximately 6 hours from now, when Israel and Iran have wound down and completed their in progress, final missions!), for 12 hours, at which point the War will be considered, ENDED! During each CEASEFIRE, the other side will remain PEACEFUL and RESPECTFUL. On the assumption that everything works as it should, which it will, I would like to congratulate both Countries, Israel and Iran, on having the Stamina, Courage, and Intelligence to end, what should be called, “THE 12 DAY WAR”. **Truth Social post reported in [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/06/23/iran-qatar-iraq-attacks-us-israel.html Trump announces Israel-Iran ceasefire timeline he says will end the war: Live updates] ''CNBC'' (June 23, 2025)[https://www.salon.com/2025/06/23/the-12-day-war-says-israel-iran-have-reached-tentative-ceasefire-agreement/] * Israel, as soon as we made the deal they came out and they dropped a load of bombs, the likes of which I’ve never seen before.<br>I’m not happy with Israel. You know, when I say, ‘OK now you have 12 hours,’ you don’t go out to the first hour, just drop everything you have on, so I’m not happy with them. I’m not happy with Iran either.<br>ISRAEL. DO NOT DROP THOSE BOMBS. IF YOU DO IT IS A MAJOR VIOLATION. BRING YOUR PILOTS HOME, NOW! ** [https://edition.cnn.com/world/live-news/israel-iran-conflict-us-trump-06-24-25-intl-hnk#cmcaf5mst00003b6prm250209 "Trump lashes out at Israel as his Middle East truce appears to falter"] ''CNN'' (June 24, 2025) * ''About Israel and Iran:'' : I don’t believe they will ever be shooting at each other again. :* [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-expects-israel-iran-ceasefire-last-forever-rcna214660 "Trump says he expects the Israel-Iran ceasefire will last 'forever'"] ''NBC News'' (June 24, 2025) * We have no inflation. ** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/06/25/politics/fact-check-trump-nato-conference "Fact-checking Trump’s NATO news conference"] ''CNN'' (June 25, 2025) * I've talked to Putin a lot and he's actually been very kind. ** [https://www.gazetaexpress.com/en/He%27s-a-good-guy.-Trump-announces-talks-with-Zelensky--praises-Putin-as-very-kind./ "'He's a good guy': Trump announces talks with Zelensky, praises Putin as 'very kind'"] ''Gazeta Express'' (June 25, 2025) ==== July 2025 ==== * This bill rescues over 2 billion family farms from the so-called estate tax or the death tax. ** Claimed about the "Big Beautiful Bill", quoted in [https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/trump-loses-it-claims-2-35498032 "Trump 'loses it' as he claims 2 billion farms have been rescued then outright lies over taxes"] ''Irish Star'' (July 3, 2025) * ''Claimed about his "big beautiful bill":'' : It’s the most popular bill ever signed in the history of our country, whether you’re military or anybody else, this is the most single most popular bill ever signed, :* [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/07/04/politics/fact-check-trump-bill-unpopular "Fact check: Trump falsely claims his highly unpopular big bill is the ‘single most popular bill ever signed’"] ''CNN'' (July 4, 2025) *We made promises, and it’s really promises made, promises kept, and we’ve kept them. There’s a triumph of democracy on the birthday of democracy, and I have to say that the people are happy. **After signing the One Big Beautiful Bill into law [https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/04/politics/donald-trump-policy-bill-celebration Trump signs his agenda bill, with a flyover and fireworks to mark the occasion] ''CNN'' (July 4, 2025) *I would say firm, but not 100% firm. **When asked by a reporter whether the new August 1st tariff date was a hard deadline, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cd0vkl31085o US delays higher tariffs but announces new taxes for some countries] ''BBC'' (July 7, 2025) *Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy’s been talked about for years…. Are people still talking about this guy? This creep? That is unbelievable.<br>I can’t believe you’re asking a question on Epstein at a time like this, when we’re having some of the greatest success and also tragedy with what happened in Texas. It just seems like a desecration. **Responding to a reporter’s question to Attorney General Pam Bondi regarding Jeffrey Epstein, quoted in [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-questions-why-people-talking-164717536.html Trump questions why people are talking about ‘creep’ Epstein - despite his push to release the files ] ''Yahoo News'' (July 8, 2025) *If a communist gets elected to run New York, it can never be the same, but we have tremendous power at the White House to run places when we have to.<br>New York City will run properly. We’re going to bring New York back. **After warning against the prospect of Zohran Mamdani winning the New York mayor’s race, quoted in [https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2025-07-08/trump-says-he-s-weighing-federal-takeover-of-washington-dc Trump Says He’s Weighing Federal Takeover of Washington, DC] ''Bloomberg'' (July 8, 2025)[https://archive.is/317Oy#selection-1147.0-1147.59] *TARIFFS WILL START BEING PAID ON AUGUST 1, 2025. There has been no change to this date, and there will be no change. In other words, all money will be due and payable starting AUGUST 1, 2025 — No extensions will be granted. **From ''Truth Social'', quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/trump-threatens-no-extensions-aug-1-tariff-deadline-what-countries-rcna217536 Trump threatens 'no extensions' on new Aug. 1 tariff deadline, warns of higher import taxes] ''NBC News'' (July 8, 2025) *We’re on one Team, MAGA, and I don’t like what’s happening. We have a PERFECT Administration, THE TALK OF THE WORLD, and “selfish people” are trying to hurt it, all over a guy who never dies, Jeffrey Epstein….One year ago our Country was DEAD, now it’s the “HOTTEST” Country anywhere in the World. Let’s keep it that way, and not waste Time and Energy on Jeffrey Epstein, somebody that nobody cares about. **From ''Truth Social'', quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/12/politics/bondi-epstein-investigation-trump Trump defends Bondi amid MAGA fallout over her handling of Epstein investigation] ''CNN'' (July 13, 2025)[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/114842356238631061] *I speak to him a lot about getting this thing done. And I always hang up and say, well, that was a nice phone call. And then missiles are launched into Kyiv or some other city. And I said, strange. And after that happens three or four times, you say the talk doesn't mean anything. **Referring to his conversations with Russian President Vladimir Putin regarding ending the Russia-Ukraine war, quoted in [https://www.npr.org/transcripts/nx-s1-5467304 Trump announces new weapon plan for Ukraine, threatens Russia with tariffs] ''NPR'' (July 14, 2025) *Very good. Because I won. It's good to win. You heard I won, right? Did you hear I won? I like to win. **When asked how the golf tournament was after winning the Senior Club Championship at his course outside of West Palm Beach, Florida [https://www.palmbeachpost.com/story/news/trump/2025/07/14/trump-golf-championship-new-jersey-bedminster/85190196007/ Trump claims another golf championship, his fifth this year, at his New Jersey club] ''The Palm Beach Post'' (July 14, 2025) * I go home, I tell the first lady, ‘I spoke to Vladimir today, we had a wonderful conversation.’ And she says, ‘Oh really, another city was just hit’ ** Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/melania-trump-russia-ukraine-b2789171.html "How Melania Trump emerged as one of Zelensky’s key allies in the White House"] ''The Independent'' (July 15, 2025) * No, no. She's [Pam Bondi] uh, she's given us just a very quick briefing. And in terms of the credibility of the various things that they've seen. And I would say that, you know, these files [Jeffrey Epstein files] were made up by Comey, they were made up by Obama, they were made up but, the Biden, uh, you know, and we went through years of that. ** Donald Trump answering a reporter's question on wether Donald Trump's name appeared in the Jeffrey Epstein files. [https://apnews.com/article/trump-epstein-conspiracy-theories-bondi-bongino-fbi-a143076353acbc1193cb9697e7fc4a90 With Epstein conspiracy theories, Trump faces a crisis of his own making] [[File:Epstein Final Mugshot.png|thumb|I have had more [[success]] in 6 months than perhaps any [[President]] in our Country’s [[history]], and all these [[people]] want to talk about, with strong prodding by the [[Fake news|Fake News]] and the success starved [[Democratic Party (United States)|Dems]], is the [[Jeffrey Epstein]] Hoax.]] *The Radical Left Democrats have hit pay dirt, again! Just like with the FAKE and fully discredited Steele Dossier, the lying 51 “Intelligence” Agents, the Laptop from Hell, which the Dems swore had come from Russia (No, it came from Hunter Biden’s bathroom!), and even the Russia, Russia, Russia Scam itself, a totally fake and made up story used in order to hide Crooked Hillary Clinton’s big loss in the 2016 Presidential Election, these Scams and Hoaxes are all the Democrats are good at… Their new SCAM is what we will forever call the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax, and my PAST supporters have bought into this “bullshit,” hook, line, and sinker. They haven’t learned their lesson, and probably never will, even after being conned by the Lunatic Left for 8 long years. I have had more success in 6 months than perhaps any President in our Country’s history, and all these people want to talk about, with strong prodding by the Fake News and the success starved Dems, is the Jeffrey Epstein Hoax. Let these weaklings continue forward and do the Democrats work, don’t even think about talking of our incredible and unprecedented success, because I don’t want their support anymore! **''Truth Social'' post cutting ties with any MAGA supporters who still want answers in the Jeffrey Epstein investigation, reported in [https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/trump-melts-down-over-epstein-hoax-slams-supporters-who-believe-this-bullsht-i-dont-want-their-support-anymore/ Trump Melts Down Over Epstein ‘Hoax,’ Slams Supporters Who Believe ‘This Bullsh*t’: ‘I Don’t Want Their Support Anymore!’] ''Mediaite'' (July 16, 2025) *I know it’s a hoax. It was started by Democrats. It’s been run by the Democrats for four years ... it’s perpetrated by the Democrats and some stupid Republicans and foolish Republicans fall into the net, and so they try and do the Democrats’ work. **When asked by a reporter if he has evidence to support his claim that the fervor over Jeffrey Epstein, who died from suicide in a Manhattan jail cell during his first term, is part of a Democratic “hoax” against him, reported in [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-epstein-file-response-republicans-b2790269.html Trump attacks ‘stupid Republicans’ for wanting Epstein files released] ''Independent'' (July 16, 2025) *No, no, she's -- she's given us just a very quick briefing. And in terms of the credibility of the different things that they've seen, and I would say that, you know, these files were made up by Comey, they were made up by Obama, they were made up by the Biden -- and you know, we and we went through years of that with the Russia, Russia, Russia hoax, with all of the different things that we had to go through. **When asked by a reporter if Pam Bondi told him his name appeared in the Epstein files [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/us/whatever-she-thinks-is-credible-trump-reacts-again-on-epstein-files-says-pam-bondi-has-handled-it-very-well/articleshow/122535035.cms 'Whatever she thinks is credible': Trump reacts again on Epstein files; says Pam Bondi has 'handled it very well'] ''Times of India'' (July 16, 2025) *He’s a terrible Fed chair. I was surprised he was appointed. I was surprised, frankly, that Biden put him in and extended him. **Regarding Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell whom Donald Trump appointed in 2017 [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trump-says-was-surprised-jerome-powell-fed-chair-appointed-was-appoint-rcna219162 Trump says he was surprised that Jerome Powell, the Fed chair he appointed, was appointed] MSNBC (July 16, 2025) *I have asked the Justice Department to release all Grand Jury testimony with respect to Jeffrey Epstein, subject only to Court Approval. With that being said, and even if the Court gave its full and unwavering approval, nothing will be good enough for the troublemakers and radical left lunatics making the request. It will always be more, more, more. **From ''Truth Social'' reported in [https://dnyuz.com/2025/07/19/trump-savages-lunatics-demanding-epstein-files-release/ Trump Savages ‘Lunatics’ Demanding Epstein Files Release] ''DNYUZ'' (July 19, 2025) * We’re gonna get the drug prices down — not 30% or 40%, which would be great. Not 50% or 60%. No, we’re gonna get them down 1,000%, 600%, 500%, 1,500%. * Something that nobody else can do. * Numbers that are not even thought to be achievable. ** [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/prescription-drug-costs-trump-flunks-arithmetic-embarrassing-fashion-rcna220508 "On prescription drug costs, Trump flunks arithmetic in embarrassing fashion"] ''MSNBC'' (July 23, 2025) * Every time they give you a question that's not appropriate, just say 'by the way, Obama cheated on the election.' ** [https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/mikey-smith-8-unhinged-donald-35606610 "MIKEY SMITH: 8 unhinged Donald Trump moments as he scrambles to distract from Epstein scandal"] ''Mirror'' (July 23, 2025) *I never had the privilege of going to his island, and I did turn him down. But a lot of people in Palm Beach were invited to his island. In one of my very good moments, I turned it down. I didn’t want to go to his island. **In reference to the late Jeffrey Epstein's island where underage girls were made available to Epstein and his guests [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5423583-trump-rejects-epstein-island-offer/ Trump says he turned down offer to go to Epstein island: ‘One of my very good moments’] ''The Hill'' (July 28, 2025) * I'm not a fan of your mayor. I think he's done a terrible job, the mayor of London... a nasty person. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cx2q5pjk4zko "Trump takes another swipe at London's mayor"] ''BBC'' (July 28, 2025) * We stopped about five wars. ** Claimed without providing details or evidence, quoted in [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-boasts-he-stopped-about-five-wars-while-opening-new-scotland-golf-course-vows-work-with-netanyahu "Trump boasts he 'stopped about five wars' while opening new Scotland golf course, vows to work with Netanyahu"] ''FOX News'' (July 29, 2025) * I know better than anybody about sanctions and tariffs and everything else. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/07/31/politics/russia-sanctions-trump-witkoff-ukraine "Trump says Witkoff will travel to Russia, affirms plans for new sanctions"] ''CNN'' (July 31, 2025) *Tariffs are making America GREAT & RICH Again... Now the tide has completely turned, and America has successfully countered this onslaught of Tariffs used against it. ONE YEAR AGO, AMERICA WAS A DEAD COUNTRY, NOW IT IS THE “HOTTEST” COUNTRY ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL! **From ''Truth Social'', reported in [https://www.scrippsnews.com/politics/with-trade-deadline-nearing-court-case-could-define-trumps-tariff-authority With trade deadline nearing, court case could define Trump's tariff authority] ''Scripps News'' (July 31, 2025) * They've wanted [[w:White House State Ballroom|a ballroom at the White House]] for more than 150 years, but there's never been a president that was good at ballrooms. I'm really good. **On the White House ballroom project (31 July 2025), as quoted in [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-white-house-ballroom-construction/ "Trump said new White House ballroom construction wouldn't 'interfere with the current building'" by Joey Esposito, ''Snopes'' (21 October 2025)]; also in [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trump-building-new-200-million-ballroom-white-house/story?id=124254902 "Trump is building a new $200 million ballroom at the White House" ''ABC News'' (July 31, 2025)] ==== August 2025 ==== *I was just informed that our Country’s ‘Jobs Numbers’ are being produced by a Biden Appointee, Dr. Erika McEntarfer, the Commissioner of Labor Statistics, who faked the Jobs Numbers before the Election to try and boost Kamala’s [Harris’] chances of Victory... We need accurate Jobs Numbers. I have directed my Team to fire this Biden Political Appointee, IMMEDIATELY. She will be replaced with someone much more competent and qualified. **Fires the Bureau of Labor Statistics commissioner, Erika McEntarfer, in a ''Truth Social'' post immediately after the agency reported job growth in the U.S. had slowed to a near-halt, reported in [https://www.cnbc.com/2025/08/01/trump-erika-mcentarfer-jobs-report-fired.html Trump fires commissioner of labor statistics after weaker-than-expected jobs figures slam markets] ''CNBC'' (August 1st, 2025) *If Sydney Sweeney is a registered Republican, I think her ad is fantastic. **[https://deadline.com/2025/08/donald-trump-sydney-sweeneys-american-eagle-ads-1236477752/ Trump Hails Sydney Sweeney’s American Eagle Ads After Reports Actress Is Registered Republican] ''Deadline'' (August 4, 2025) * One of the things they're going to be talking about pretty soon are the tremendous drop in drug prices. You know, we've cut drug prices by 1,200, 1,300, 1,400, 1,500 percent. I don't mean 50 percent. I mean 14-, 1,500 percent. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-doubles-down-impossible-drug-price-cuts-2108365 "Donald Trump Doubles Down on Mathematically Impossible Drug Price Cuts"] ''Newsweek'' (August 4, 2025) *We have an opportunity in Texas to pick up five [congressional] seats. We have a really good governor, and we have good people in Texas. And I won Texas. I got the highest vote in the history of Texas, as you probably know, and we are entitled to five more seats. **Regarding the recently proposed congressional state map that, if passed by the state’s legislature, would boost the Republican party’s chances of maintaining control of the House in the 2026 midterms [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/08/05/trump-texas-redistricting-00493624 Trump on Texas redistricting: ‘We are entitled to 5 more seats’] ''Politico'' (August 5, 2025) * I have poll numbers where I’m 71 percent. I have the best poll numbers. * Among Republicans, 94 and 95 percent. * Fox gives me terrible polls all the time, you know, they do nothing, but they… I’ve never had a good poll with Fox. ** [https://www.mediaite.com/media/tv/trump-loses-it-on-cnbc-when-hosts-fact-check-insane-approval-rating-whopper-nbc-is-the-worst/ "Trump Loses It on CNBC When Hosts Fact Check Insane Approval Rating Whopper: NBC Is the ‘Worst’"] ''Mediaite'' (August 5, 2025) *And that’s a gift. That’s not like, you know, a loan, by the way. That’s not a loan that, ‘Oh, gee, three years comes up. We have to pay it back.’ There’s nothing to pay back. They gave us $600 billion that we can invest in anything we want. ... [T]here are no details. The details are $600 billion to invest in anything I want. Anything. I can do anything I want. **Claiming the European Union was giving the United States a $600 billion gift that turned out to be untrue [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/trumps-claim-600-billion-gift-european-union-quietly-falls-apart-rcna226564 Trump’s claim about a $600 billion ‘gift’ from the European Union quietly falls apart] ''MSNBC'' (August 5, 2025)[https://www.cnbc.com/2025/08/05/cnbc-transcript-president-of-the-united-states-donald-trump-speaks-with-cnbcs-squawk-box-today-.html] *I have to say that somebody from DOGE was very badly hurt… A young man who was beat up by a bunch of thugs in DC, and either they’re gonna straighten their act out in the terms of government and in terms of protection or we’re gonna have to federalize and run it the way it’s supposed to be run. **[https://www.cnn.com/2025/08/06/politics/trump-federal-take-over-dc-doge-coristine-assault Trump reignites threat to take over DC after former DOGE worker assaulted in attempted carjacking] ''CNN'' (August 6, 2025) * [[Stephen Colbert | Colbert]] has no talent. I mean, I could take anybody here. I could go outside in the beautiful streets and pick a couple of people that do just as well or better. They’d get higher ratings than he did. He’s got no talent.<br>[[Jimmy Fallon | Fallon]] has no talent. [[Jimmy Kimmel | Kimmel]] has no talent. They’re next. They’re going to be going. I hear they’re going to be going. I don’t know, but I would imagine because they’d get—you know, Colbert has better ratings than Kimmel or Fallon. * It’s really good to see them go, and I hope I played a major part in it! ** Claimed after the popular late night show hosts and comedians criticised the policies of Trump, quoted in [https://nypost.com/2025/08/07/media/trump-repeats-claim-kimmel-fallon-are-next-after-stephen-colbert-cancellation/ "Trump repeats claim Kimmel, Fallon are ‘next’ after Stephen Colbert cancellation"] ''New York Post'' (August 7, 2025) * IT'S MIDNIGHT! BILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN TARIFFS ARE NOW FLOWING INTO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! ** Claimed about tariffs paid by US importers, quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/business/business-news/trump-tariffs-latest-round-takes-effect-thursday-august-7-2025-rcna223461 "New tariffs snap into effect, raising import taxes to highest level since Great Depression"] ''NBC News'' (August 7, 2025) *…I direct the Secretary of Defense to mobilize the District of Columbia National Guard and order members to active service, in such numbers as he deems necessary, to address the epidemic of crime in our Nation’s capital.  The mobilization and duration of duty shall remain in effect until I determine that conditions of law and order have been restored in the District of Columbia. **[https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/2025/08/restoring-law-and-order-in-the-district-of-columbia/ RESTORING LAW AND ORDER IN THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA] The White House (August 11, 2025) *This is liberation day in D.C. and we’re going to take our capital back. We’re taking it back. Under the authorities vested in me as the president of the United States, I’m officially invoking section 740 of the District of Columbia Home Rule Act — you know what that is — and placing the D.C. Metropolitan Police Department under direct federal control. **[https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trump-places-dc-police-under-151649421.html Trump Places DC Police Under Federal Control: ‘We’re Going to Take Our Capital Back’] ''Yahoo News'' (August 11, 2025) *See, they fight back until you knock the hell out of them, because it’s the only language they understand...<br>You spit and we hit. And they’re standing there and people are spitting in their face and they’re not allowed to do anything. But <b>now they are allowed to do whatever the hell they want</b>. **Giving police permission to use whatever means of violence they want against Washington DC citizens, reported in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-takeover-dc-police-crime-b2807175.html Trump told cops to do ‘whatever the hell they want’ to fix DC. Here’s why that’s ‘extremely dangerous’] ''Independent'' (August 11, 2025) * I don’t like being up here, talking about how unsafe and how dirty and disgusting this once-beautiful capital was. ** [https://au.news.yahoo.com/trump-mistook-alaska-russia-yes-192134848.html "Trump Thought Alaska Was Russia, And The Internet Is Having An Absolute Field Day With It"] ''Yahoo News / Buzzfeed'' (August 11, 2025) * I’m going to see Putin. I’m going to Russia on Friday. ** [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-putin-meeting-russia-alaska-ukraine-war-b2805880.html "‘I’m going to Russia’: Trump appears to forget Alaska is in US as he frets over facing Putin"] ''The Independent'' (August 12, 2025) *Our Economy is booming, and E.J. will ensure that the Numbers released are HONEST and ACCURATE. **Regarding his nomination of economist and contributor to Project 2025, E.J. Antoni, as the new Bureau of Labor Statistics commissioner [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-picks-heritage-economist-antoni-lead-us-labor-statistics-agency-2025-08-11/ Trump picks Heritage economist Antoni to lead US labor statistics agency] ''Reuters'' (August 12, 2025) *There’s no deal until there’s a deal. **After meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Anchorage, Alaska regarding ending the Russia-Ukraine War, [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/live-blog/trump-putin-summit-alaska-ukraine-war-russia-peace-live-updates-rcna224983 Trump-Putin summit ends without a deal on Ukraine] ''NBC News'' (August 15, 2025) * Vladimir Putin said something – one of the most interesting things. He said: ‘Your election was rigged because you have [[w:Postal voting | mail-in voting]] … No country has mail-in voting. It’s impossible to have mail-in voting and have honest elections.’* ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/aug/16/love-in-a-cold-climate-putin-romances-trump-in-alaska-with-talk-of-rigged-elections-and-a-trip-to-moscow "Love in a cold climate: Putin romances Trump in Alaska with talk of rigged elections and a trip to Moscow"] ''The Guardian'' (August 16, 2025) * I want to see a ceasefire rapidly. I don’t know if it’s going to be today. But I’m not going to be happy if it’s not today. ** Said about the ongoing Russian warfare against Ukraine, quoted in [https://time.com/7309902/trump-putin-meeting-ultimatum-ceasefire-talks/ "Trump Says No Deal Reached With Putin as Alaska Summit Ends Earlier Than Expected"] ''Time Magazine'' (August 16, 2025) * If I got Russia to give up Moscow as part of the Deal, the Fake News, and their PARTNER, the Radical Left Democrats, would say I made a terrible mistake and a very bad deal. That’s why they are the FAKE NEWS! ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-if-i-got-russia-to-give-up-moscow-truth-social_n_68a1df07e4b07702299b5342 "Trump Writes Post About Moscow That's Absurd Even For Him"] ''Huffington Post'' (August 17, 2025) * The very unattractive (both inside and out!) Senator from Connecticut, Chris Murphy, said ‘Putin got everything that he wanted.’ Actually, ‘nobody got anything,’ too soon, but getting close. Murphy is a lightweight who thinks it made the Russian President look good in coming to America. : Actually, it was very hard for President Putin to do so. This war can be ended, NOW, but stupid people like Chris Murphy, John Bolton, and others, make it much harder to do so. :* [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/trump-blasts-lightweight-dem-senator-who-criticized-putin-summit-alaska-stupid "Trump blasts 'lightweight' Dem senator who criticized Putin summit in Alaska: 'Stupid'"] ''FOX News'' (August 18, 2025) [[File:Scourged back by McPherson & Oliver, 1863, colourised.jpg|thumb|[[Smithsonian Institution|The Smithsonian]] is OUT OF [[Control|CONTROL]], where everything discussed is how horrible [[United States|our Country]] is, how [[bad]] [[Slavery]] was, and how unaccomplished [[Oppression|the downtrodden]] have been — [[Nothing]] about [[Success]], nothing about Brightness, nothing about the [[Future]].]] * The Fake News has been saying for 3 days that I suffered a ‘major defeat’ by allowing President Vladimir Putin of Russia to have a major Summit in the United States. Actually, he would have loved doing the meeting anywhere else but the U.S., and the Fake News knows this. ** Claimed about Vladimir Putin, who is subject to an [https://www.icc-cpi.int/news/situation-ukraine-icc-judges-issue-arrest-warrants-against-vladimir-vladimirovich-putin-and arrest warrant] that in most of the developed, democratic countries would have made him be arrested and sent to the International Criminal Court in Hague for prosecution for war crimes. Quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5457134-trump-putin-summit-criticism/ "Trump criticizes ‘fake news,’ Democrat, Zelensky in series of posts"] ''The Hill'' (August 17, 2025) * ''Said about Melania Trump and the son that Donald and Melania have together:'' : She’s got a great love of children, she has a wonderful son that she loves probably more than anybody, including me, I hate to say it, :* [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/donald-trump-melania-barron-b2809877.html "Trump admits that Melania loves Barron more than him: ‘I hate to say it’"] ''Independent'' (August 18, 2025) * Bela ** [https://www.ndtv.com/offbeat/a-new-covfefe-donald-trumps-latest-one-word-post-confuses-internet-9105612 "A New Covfefe? Donald Trump's Latest One-Word Post Confuses Internet"] ''NDTV'' (August 18, 2025) * The [[Museums]] throughout [[Washington D. C.|Washington]], but all over [[United States|the Country]] are, essentially, the last remaining segment of "[[w:Woke|WOKE]]." The Smithsonian is OUT OF [[Control|CONTROL]], where everything discussed is how horrible our Country is, how [[bad]] [[Slavery]] was, and how unaccomplished [[Oppression|the downtrodden]] have been — [[Nothing]] about [[Success]], nothing about Brightness, nothing about the [[Future]]. We are not going to allow this to happen, and I have instructed my [[attorneys]] to go through the [[Museums]], and start the exact same process that has been done with Colleges and [[Universities]] where tremendous progress has been made. This Country cannot be WOKE because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the “HOTTEST” Country in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115056914674717313 ''Truthsocial.com'' posting (August 19, 2025)] * I want to try and get to heaven if possible…. I'm hearing I'm not doing well. …I am really at the bottom of the totem pole. But if I can get to heaven, this will be one of the reasons. **Speaking on ''Fox and Friends'' regarding his desire to bring an end to the Russia-Ukraine War [https://www.themirror.com/entertainment/celebrity-news/trump-tells-fox-hosts-hes-1338143 "Donald Trump shares fears he won't go to heaven as he says he's 'not doing well'"] '' The Mirror US'' (August 19, 2025)[https://www.themirror.com/news/us-news/donald-trump-heaven-fears-health-1339753] * When you go to a voting booth, and you do it the right way, and you go to a state that runs it properly, you go in -- they even asked me, they asked me for my license plate. I said, 'I don't know if I have it.' They said, 'Sir, you have to have it.' I was very impressed actually." ** [https://www.jalopnik.com/1944138/trump-claims-license-plate-voting/ "Trump Claims He Was Asked For His License Plate At The Voting Booth"] ''Jalopnink'' (August 19, 2025) * MSNBC IS DOING SO POORLY IN THE RATINGS THAT THEY ARE LOOKING TO CHANGE THEIR NAME IN ORDER TO GET AWAY FROM THE STENCH OF THEIR FAKE NEWS PRODUCT. SO MUCH FUN TO WATCH THEIR WEAK AND INEFFECTIVE OWNER, ‘CONCAST,’ HEADED BY DOPEY BRIAN ROBERTS, HOPELESSLY AND AIMLESSLY FLAILING IN THE WIND IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISASSOCIATE ITSELF FROM THE GARBAGE THAT THEY CREATED! MSNBC IS A FAILURE BY ANY NAME!!!” ** [https://www.tvinsider.com/1210320/trump-cankles-truth-social-msnbc-lawrence-odonnell-video/ "Trump Rants Against MSNBC After Lawrence O’Donnell Mocks His ‘Cankle’ Issue"] ''TV Insider'' (August 21, 2025) *They say, ‘we don’t need him, freedom, freedom, he’s a dictator, he’s a dictator.’ A lot of people are saying, ‘Maybe we would like a dictator.’ I don’t like a dictator; I’m not a dictator. I’m a man with great common sense, and I’m a smart person. **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-dictator-crime-cities-b2813664.html Trump insists he is not a dictator - but claims that many people think the US could use one] ''Independent'' (August 25, 2025) *Despite a very high popularity and, according to many, among the greatest 8 months in Presidential History, ABC & NBC FAKE NEWS, two of the worst and most biased networks in history, give me 97% BAD STORIES. IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEY ARE SIMPLY AN ARM OF THE DEMOCRAT PARTY AND SHOULD, ACCORDING TO MANY, HAVE THEIR LICENSES REVOKED BY THE FCC. I would be totally in favor of that because they are so biased and untruthful, an actual threat to our Democracy!!! **From ''Truth Social'', reported in [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-media-nbc-abc-fcc-license-revoked-fees-2118632 Trump Calls For 'Fake News' Networks To Have Licenses Revoked by FCC] ''Newsweek'' (August 25, 2025) * Except what is written and broadcast in the Fake News, I now have the highest poll numbers I’ve ever had, some in the 60’s and even 70’s. ** [https://www.nj.com/politics/2025/08/trump-keeps-boasting-about-his-popularity-but-where-does-he-really-stand.html "Trump keeps boasting about his popularity. But where does he really stand?"] ''NJ.com'' (August 25, 2025) * If you burn a flag, you get one year in jail; no early exits, no nothing. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2025/8/25/trump-bans-burning-of-us-flag-in-defiance-of-constitutional-protections "Trump bans burning of US flag in defiance of constitutional protections"] ''Al Jazeera'' (August 25, 2025) * WHAT IS GOING ON IN SOUTH KOREA? Seems like a Purge or Revolution. We can’t have that and do business there. ** [https://eu.detroitnews.com/story/news/politics/2025/08/25/trump-claims-purge-or-revolution-in-south-korea-ahead-of-meeting-with-new-leader/85820943007/ "Trump claims 'Purge or Revolution' in South Korea ahead of meeting with new leader"] ''Detroit News'' (August 25, 2025) *And I don't like getting into looks. You know, looks don't mean anything, right? When you're in politics, looks don't matter.<br>Look at Pam, I would never say she was beautiful because that would be the end of my political career. **[https://www.irishstar.com/news/politics/breaking-donald-trump-makes-creepy-35530513 Donald Trump makes 'creepy' flirty comment toward Pam Bondi during Cabinet meeting] ''Irish Star'' (August 26, 2025) *The Department of Defense… It didn’t sound good — defense. Why are we on defense? So it used to be called the Department of War, and it had a stronger sound. And as you know, we won World War I. We won World War II. We won everything. Now we have a Department of Defense. We’re defenders.<br> I think Department of War, it just sounded better. We want defense, but we want offense too, if that’s OK. So you’ll make a decision. But you know, as Department of War, we won everything. **[https://indianexpress.com/article/world/trump-renaming-pentagon-department-of-war-10212728/ Trump wants to rename Department of Defense as ‘Department of War’: ‘It has a stronger sound’] ''The Indian Express'' (August 26, 2025) * Baltimore is a hellhole. ** [https://www.fox13now.com/politics/the-president/trump-calls-baltimore-a-hellhole-during-cabinet-meeting "Trump calls Baltimore a 'hellhole' during cabinet meeting"] ''Fox 13'' (August 26, 2025) * I have the right to do anything I want to do. I'm the president of the United States. If I think our country is in danger, and it is in danger in these cities, I can do it. ** [https://rollcall.com/2025/08/27/the-u-s-system-always-had-loopholes-trump-2-0-exploits-what-others-resisted/ The US system always had loopholes. Trump 2.0 exploits what others resisted] ''Roll Call'' (August 26, 2025) * There is a sick rumour going around that Fake News NBC extended the contract of one of the least talented late-night television hosts out there, Seth Meyers. He has no Ratings, Talent, or Intelligence, and the Personality of an insecure child. So, why would Fake News NBC extend this dope’s contract. I don’t know, but I’ll definitely be finding out!!! ** [https://www.livemint.com/news/us-news/after-stephen-colbert-donald-trump-now-targets-seth-meyers-host-of-late-night-personality-of-an-insecure-child-11756289725956.html "After Stephen Colbert, Donald Trump now targets Seth Meyers, host of ‘Late Night’: ‘Personality of an insecure child’"] ''Mint'' (August 27, 2025) * I’m sure that Ukraine thought they were going to win, you’re going to beat someone that’s 15 times your size ... you don’t go into a war that’s 15 times your size. ** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-repeats-favourite-kremlin-talking-113114361.html "Trump Repeats His Favourite Kremlin Talking Point In Latest Anti-Ukraine Outburst"] ''Yahoo / Huffington Post'' (August 27, 2025) *Today a Highly Partisan Appeals Court incorrectly said that our Tariffs should be removed, but they know the United States of America will win in the end. If these Tariffs ever went away, it would be a total disaster for the Country. It would make us financially weak, and we have to be strong…. For many years, Tariffs were allowed to be used against us by our uncaring and unwise Politicians. Now, with the help of the United States Supreme Court, we will use them to the benefit of our Nation, and Make America Rich, Strong, and Powerful Again! **[https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/08/29/most-trump-tariffs-are-not-legal-us-appeals-court-rules/85895611007/ Most Trump tariffs are illegal, appeals court rules, setting up Supreme Court showdown] ''USA Today'' (August 29, 2025) ==== September 2025 ==== *NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE **In response to questions about his health (bruised hands, swollen ankles, crooked gait) and lack of recent public appearances [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-health-rumors-response-truth-social-b2817486.html Trump claps back after weekend of speculation about his health: ‘Never felt better in my life’] ''The Independent'' (September 1, 2025)[https://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/international/global-trends/why-is-trump-struggling-to-walk-in-a-straight-line-new-questions-erupt-over-us-presidents-health-after-summit-with-putin/articleshow/123331093.cms] *The problem I have with Colorado, one of the big problems, is they do mail-in voting. They went to all mail-in voting, so they have automatically crooked elections and we can’t have that. When a state is for mail-in voting that means they want dishonest elections because that’s what that means. **One of the reasons given for moving U.S. Space Command headquarters from Colorado to Alabama [https://www.msn.com/en-nz/news/other/trump-ends-turf-war-and-will-move-space-command-hq-to-alabama-from-colorado/ar-AA1LJwJY Trump ends turf war and will move Space Command HQ to Alabama from Colorado] ''MSN'' (September 2, 2025) * I used, at the White House, the most beautiful marble and stone available anywhere. Surfaces are very important to me as a Builder. As everyone knows, I built many GREAT Buildings, and other things, over the years. At the White House, I am very proud of the beautiful stonework we did in the Rose Garden, in this case, using limestone plus. The Rose Garden is completed, and far more beautiful than anyone ever had in mind when it was conceived of decades ago. Three days ago, while admiring the stonework, I happened to notice a huge gash in the limestone that extended more than 25 yards long. It was deep and nasty! I started yelling, “Who did this, and I want to find out now!” — And I didn’t say this in a nice manner. I wondered, “Was it vandalism or, was it stupidity?” Lo and behold, because of the fact that we’ve installed the finest security equipment anywhere, they brought back the stupid people, with their boss watching (in sunglasses!). It was a subcontractor that was installing heavy landscaping on a steel cart that was broken and tilting badly, with it rubbing hard against the soft, beautiful stone. I love and respect great workers and contractors but something like this should never happen. Now, I’ll replace the stone, charge the contractor, and never let that contractor work at the White House again — But, how great is the video equipment? We caught them, cold. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN! ** [https://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/a65961231/trump-rose-garden-truth-social/ "Trump Caught Whoever Scraped Up the Renovated White House Rose Garden"] ''Esquire'' (September 2, 2025) *I want to try and get to Heaven **From a campaign fundraising email asking supporters to contribute $15 during a 24-hour fundraising blitz [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-heaven-donations-2123679 Donald Trump Asks For $15 Donations to 'Get to Heaven'] ''Newsweek'' (September 3, 2025) * Without the United States, everything in the world would die. * We get along with India very well. ** [https://www.businesstoday.in/world/us/story/without-us-everything-in-world-would-die-trump-defends-his-tariffs-as-war-settler-492175-2025-09-03 "'Without US, everything in world would die': Trump defends his tariffs as 'war settler'"] ''Business Today'' (September 3, 2025) * Looks like we've lost India and Russia to deepest, darkest China. May they have a long and prosperous future together! ** [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/weve-lost-india-russia-to-deepest-darkest-china-donald-trumps-latest-9222384 ""We've Lost India, Russia To Deepest, Darkest China": Donald Trump's Latest"] ''NDTV'' (September 5, 2025) * At least 54 people were shot in Chicago over the weekend, 8 people were killed. The last two weekends were similar. <b>Chicago is the worst and most dangerous city in the World, by far</b>. Pritzker needs help badly, he just doesn’t know it yet. I will solve the crime problem fast. * ‘I love the smell of deportations in the morning...’ <b>Chicago about to find out why it’s called the Department of WAR.</b> ** [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/donald-trump-threatens-chicago-deportations-department-war-crackdown-rcna229544 "'Chipocalypse Now': Trump threatens Chicago with deportations and Department of War ahead of potential crackdown"] ''NBC News'' (September 6, 2025)</ref> * Our great West Point (getting greater all the time!) has smartly cancelled the Award Ceremony for actor Tom Hanks. Important move! We don’t need destructive, WOKE recipients getting our cherished American Awards!!! ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/08/trump-tom-hanks-woke "Trump attacks Tom Hanks after West Point cancels event honoring actor"] ''The Guardian'' (September 8, 2025) * Look, you have some vaccines that are so amazing, the polio vaccine I happen to think is amazing. A lot of people think that Covid is amazing. You know there are many people that believe strongly in that. But you have some vaccines that are so incredible, and I think you have to be very careful when you say that some people don't have to be vaccinated. It's a very, you know, it's a very tough position, so I'll give you an answer. I'll give you the feeling, but just initially I heard about it yesterday and it's a tough stance. Look, you have vaccines that work. They just pure and simple work. They're not controversial at all, and I think those vaccine should be used. Otherwise some people are going to catch it and they endanger other people, and when you don’t have controversy at all, I think people should take it. ** Responding to the proposed removal of vaccination mandates in Florida. "[https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/14/florida-vaccine-joseph-ladapo-trump Florida vaccine mandate rollback falters after Trump criticism]", ''The Guardian'' (September 8, 2025) *Things that take place in the home, they call crime. They’ll do anything they can to find something. <b>If a man has a little fight with the wife, they say this was a crime scene.</b> **Expressing frustration that domestic violence incidents are counted as part of city-wide crime totals, thus raising the number of verified crimes in Washington DC [https://www.the-independent.com/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-domestic-violence-crime-statistics-b2822877.html ‘A little fight with the wife’: Trump suggests domestic violence should not be counted in official crime statistics] ''Independent'' (September 9, 2025) *It’s long past time for all Americans and the media to confront the fact that violence and murder are the tragic consequence of demonizing those with whom you disagree day after day, year after year, in the most hateful and despicable way possible.  **[https://time.com/7316299/charlie-kirk-shot-death-donald-trump-speech-transcript-political-violence/ ‘A Dark Moment for America’: Trump Responds to Charlie Kirk’s Death] ''Time'' (September 10, 2025) *I tell you something that is going to get me in trouble, but I couldn’t care less. The radicals on the right are radical because they don’t want to see crime … The radicals on the left are the problem – and they are vicious and horrible and politically savvy. They want men in women’s sports, they want transgender for everyone, they want open borders. The worst thing that happened to this country. **In response to Ainsley Earhardt’s questions, “How do we fix this country? How do we come back together?” following the shooting death of Charlie Kirk [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/sep/12/trump-fox-friends-charlie-kirk-shooting Trump declines to call for unity after Charlie Kirk killing in stunning move] ''The Guardian'' (September 12, 2025) *I have read someplace that the networks were 97% against me, again, 97% negative, and yet I won and easily, all seven swing states. ... They give me only bad publicity, press. I mean, they’re getting a license. I would think maybe their license should be taken away….<br>When you have a network and you have evening shows, and all they do is hit Trump. That’s all they do. If you go back, I guess they haven’t had a conservative on in years or something somebody said. But when you go back, take a look, all they do is hit Trump. They’re licensed. They’re not allowed to do that. They’re an arm of the Democrat Party. **Speaking to reporters aboard Air Force One [https://www.msnbc.com/rachel-maddow-show/maddowblog/not-allowed-trump-makes-ridiculous-new-claims-media-critics-free-press-rcna232231 ‘Not allowed’: Trump makes ridiculous new claims about media critics and the free press] MSNBC (September 18, 2025) *He was a missionary with a noble spirit and a great, great purpose. He did not hate his opponents. He wanted the best for them. That’s where I disagreed with Charlie. I <i>hate</i> my opponent, and I don’t want the best for them. I’m sorry. **Speaking at Charlie Kirk memorial service [https://time.com/7319196/charlie-kirk-funeral-trump-watch/ Trump Says Kirk ‘Did Not Hate His Opponents … That’s Where I Disagreed With Charlie’ at Funeral for Conservative Activist] ''Time'' (September 21, 2025) *Acetaminophen. Is that okay? Which is basically, commonly known as Tylenol. Can be associated with a very increased risk of autism. So taking Tylenol is not good. I’ll say it, it’s not good. * '''Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.''' But with Tylenol, don't take it. Don't take it. And if you can't live, if your fever is so bad, you have to take one because there's no alternative to that. Sadly. First question, "What can you take instead?" It's actually, there's not an alternative to that. And as you know, other of the medicines are absolutely proven bad. I mean, they've been proven bad with the aspirins and the Advils and others, right? And they've been proven bad. **At a press conference along with members of his administration [[Robert Francis Kennedy, Jr.]] and [[Mehmet Oz]], [https://singjupost.com/transcript-trump-rfk-jr-and-dr-oz-on-autism-rates-and-tylenol/ Transcript: Trump, RFK Jr. and Dr. Oz on Autism Rates and Tylenol] ''The Singju Post'' (September 22, 2025) *I ended seven wars, dealt with the leaders of each and every one of these countries, and never even received a phone call from the United Nations offering to help in finalizing the deal. All I got from the United Nations was an escalator that on the way up stopped right in the middle. If the First Lady wasn't in great shape, she would've fallen. But she's in great shape. We're both in good shape, we both stood. And then a teleprompter that didn't work. These are the two things I got from the United Nations, a bad escalator and a bad teleprompter. Thank you very much....</br>According to the Council of Europe, in 2024, almost 50% of inmates in German prisons were foreign nationals or migrants. In Austria, the number was 53% of the people in prisons were from places that weren't from where they are now. In Greece, the number was 54%. And in Switzerland, beautiful Switzerland, 72% of the people in prisons are from outside of Switzerland. When your prisons are filled with so-called asylum seekers who repaid kindness, and that's what they did, they repaid kindness with crime, it's time to end the failed experiment of open borders. You have to end it now. I see it, I can tell you. I'm really good at this stuff. Your countries are going to hell. In America, we've taken bold action to swiftly shut down uncontrolled migration. Once we started detaining and deporting everyone who crossed the border and removing illegal aliens from the United States, they simply stopped coming. They're not coming anymore. **[https://www.rev.com/transcripts/trump-speaks-at-un Speech to the United Nations] (September 23, 2025) * I can’t believe ABC Fake News gave Jimmy Kimmel his job back. The White House was told by ABC that his Show was cancelled! Something happened between then and now because his audience is GONE, and his “talent” was never there. Why would they want someone back who does so poorly, who’s not funny, and who puts the Network in jeopardy by playing 99% positive Democrat GARBAGE. He is yet another arm of the DNC and, to the best of my knowledge, that would be a major Illegal Campaign Contribution. I think we’re going to test ABC out on this. Let’s see how we do. Last time I went after them, they gave me $16 Million Dollars. This one sounds even more lucrative. A true bunch of losers! Let Jimmy Kimmel rot in his bad Ratings. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/tv-and-radio/2025/sep/24/jimmy-kimmel-says-trump-tried-his-best-to-cancel-him-as-his-show-returns-to-air-after-suspension "Jimmy Kimmel says silencing comedians is ‘anti American’, as his show returns to air after suspension"] ''The Guardian'' (September 24, 2025) * I’m going to be meeting with generals and with admirals and with leaders, and if I don’t like somebody, I’m going to fire them right on the spot. * I never walked into a room so silent before. If you want to applaud, you applaud. You can do anything you want. If you don’t like what I’m saying, you can leave the room. But there goes your rank and there goes your future. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-threatens-to-fire-generals-meeting_n_68dbf67fe4b003b6c8dc2d76 "Trump Threatens To Fire Military Leaders ‘On The Spot’ If They Cross Him"] ''Huffignton Post'' (September 30, 2025) *I hope I never have to use the nuclear arsenal. **Spero di non dover mai usare l'arsenale nucleare. ***''[https://www.ansa.it/sito/notizie/mondo/nordamerica/2025/09/30/trump-spero-di-non-dover-mai-usare-larsenale-nucleare_aa475fa6-b9a4-4b3f-baa7-993c4e608307.html Trump, spero di non dover mai usare l'arsenale nucleare]'', ''[[w:ANSA|ANSA]].it'', 30 September 2025 (in Italian) ==== October 2025 ==== [[File:2026-06-08 Ballroom construction and UFC arena White House Washington DC 13-23-11.jpg|thumb|We're going to have [[w:UFC Freedom 250|a UFC fight]] — [[think]] of this — on the grounds of the [[White House]]. We have a lot of land there.]] * Does anybody watch [[w:UFC|UFC]]? The great [[Dana White]]? We're going to have a [[fight]]. We're going to have [[w:UFC Freedom 250|a UFC fight]] — [[think]] of this — on the grounds of the [[White House]]. We have a lot of land there. ** As quoted in [https://people.com/trump-schedules-white-house-ufc-fight-for-80th-birthday-after-sharing-plans-for-stage-11825299 "Trump Schedules White House UFC Fight for His 80th Birthday After Sharing Plans for the Dramatic Stage" by Desiree Anello, ''People'' magazine (6 October 2025)] * I am very proud to announce that [[Israel]] and [[Hamas]] have both signed off on the first Phase of our Peace Plan. This means that ALL of the Hostages will be released very soon, and Israel will withdraw their Troops to an agreed upon line as the first steps toward a Strong, Durable, and Everlasting [[Peace]]. All Parties will be treated fairly!<br /> This is a GREAT Day for the [[Arab]] and [[Muslim]] World, [[Israel]], all surrounding [[Nations]], and the [[United States of America]], and we thank the mediators from [[Qatar]], [[Egypt]], and [[Turkey]], who worked with us to make this [[Historic]] and Unprecedented Event happen. [[Blessings|BLESSED]] ARE THE PEACEMAKERS! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115340993884364431 Post on Truth Social (8 October 2025)] · also the [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/statement-israel-and-hamas-accepting-peace-plan The American Presidency Project] *After so many years of unceasing war and endless danger, today the skies are calm, the guns are silent, the sirens are still, and the sun rises on a Holy Land that is finally at peace, a land and a region that will live, God willing, in peace for all eternity. **[https://abcnews.go.com/US/trump-declares-end-israel-hamas-war-experts-hard/story?id=126482789 Trump declares end of Israel-Hamas war, but experts see the hard work as just beginning] ''ABC News'' (October 14, 2025) *Over the next few days, it's going to be demolished. Everything out there is coming down, and we're replacing it with one of the most beautiful ballrooms that you've ever seen. **Regarding the demolition of the [[w:East Wing|East Wing]] of the White House, speaking to donors for the construction of a new ballroom [https://www.miamiherald.com/news/politics-government/article312585121.html Trump’s East Wing destruction echoes his tactics at Mar-a-Lago and Trump Tower] ''Miami Herald'' (October 21, 2025) *"You're the third best President in the United…" This was on television. "Third best." And they said, "Who are the first two? George Washington and Abraham Lincoln." And I got extremely angry at this man. You know? It is going to be tough to beat, Mr. Senator... It's going to be very tough to beat Washington and Lincoln, but we're going to give it a try, right? **Reacting to what a television commentator had said, [https://www.irishstar.com/news/us-news/donald-trump-health-delusion-fears-36114247 Trump's latest rant fuels more health fears as he shows repeated delusion] ''Irish Times'' (October 22, 2025) ==== November 2025 ==== *Why does NBC waste its time and money on a guy like this??? – NO TALENT, NO RATINGS, 100% ANTI TRUMP, WHICH IS PROBABLY ILLEGAL!!! **Referring to [[Seth Meyers]] in a Truth Social post [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/tv/articles/trump-79-claims-illegal-night-003833952.html Trump, 79, Claims It’s ‘Illegal’ for Late-Night Host to Mock Him] Yahoo! News (November 1, 2025) *SNAP BENEFITS, which increased by Billions and Billions of Dollars (MANY FOLD!) during Crooked Joe Biden's disastrous term in office, will be given only when the Radical Left Democrats open up government. **[https://www.axios.com/2025/11/04/trump-snap-after-shutdown-ends?utm_source=chatgpt.com Trump says SNAP will only get paid after shutdown, defying multiple court orders] ''Axios'' (November 4, 2025) *And you know, one other thing, our country has to remain very liquid because problems, catastrophes, wars, could be anything. We have to remain liquid.<br>We can’t give everything away based on a number.<br>Here’s an example. When I was president, the number that you’re talking about was a tiny fraction of what it is now. Biden went totally crazy, gave it to anybody that would ask, gave it to people that were able-bodied, had no problem.<br>Anybody who would ask would get the number. And it’s many times the number of people around.<br>This wasn’t meant for that. It was meant for people that had real problems, in many cases people that were down and out, people that could be saved.<br>It wasn’t for people who could do whatever they want, the people that say, Well, I don’t think I’ll work. I’ll just, you know, collect this money. **When asked by a reporter what his message was to folks who are missing SNAP benefits [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-goes-rant-staying-very-134934000.html Trump Goes on Rant About Staying ‘Very Liquid’ When Fox Reporter Confronts Him Over Judge’s SNAP-Food Stamps Order] Yahoo! News (November 7, 2025) *They said, ‘Oh, I don’t want to talk about affordability. The reason I don’t want to talk about affordability is because everybody knows that it’s far less expensive under Trump than it was under Sleepy Joe Biden, and the prices are way down. **[https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/cnn-host-skewers-trump-over-235330797.html CNN Host Skewers Trump Over Latest Food Price Claims: 'The Numbers Don't Lie'] ''Yahoo News'' (November 8, 2025) *I don’t know that they are saying that. I think polls are fake. We have the greatest economy we’ve ever had. **When asked by Fox News host [[Laura Ingraham]] "Why are people saying they’re anxious about the economy?" [https://www.mediaite.com/media/tv/foxs-laura-ingraham-confronts-trump-on-50-year-mortgage-plan-is-that-really-a-good-idea/ Fox’s Laura Ingraham Confronts Trump on 50-Year Mortgage Plan: ‘Is That Really a Good Idea?’] ''Mediaite'' (November 10, 2025) *Epstein was a Democrat, and he is the Democrat’s problem, not the Republican’s problem! Ask Bill Clinton, Reid Hoffman, and Larry Summers about Epstein, they know all about him, don’t waste your time with Trump. I have a Country to run! **[https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-he-will-ask-justice-department-probe-epstein-ties-with-bill-clinton-2025-11-14/ Trump asks Justice Department to probe Epstein ties with Bill Clinton, other Democrats] ''Reuters'' (November 14, 2025)[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115548539359870302] * I had an MRI. The doctor said it was the best result he has ever seen as a doctor. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-mri-walter-reed-doctor-b2865809.html "Trump claims his recent MRI was part of regular checkup: ‘The doctor said it was the best result he’s ever seen as a doctor’"] ''Independent'' (November 15, 2025) * Marjorie 'Traitor' Green [sic] is a disgrace to our GREAT REPUBLICAN PARTY! * All I see "Wacky" Marjorie do is COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN! * She has told many people that she is upset that I don't return her phone calls anymore. I can't take a ranting Lunatic's call every day. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c9wv4dx05q5o "Feud erupts between Trump and ally Marjorie Taylor Greene ahead of Epstein files vote"], ''BBC'' (November 16, 2025) *I don’t think her life is in danger. I don’t think, frankly, I don’t think anybody cares about her. **Responding to a reporter about [[Marjorie Taylor Greene]]’s claim that his comments are putting her life in danger [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/congress/rep-marjorie-taylor-greene-blasts-trump-vicious-unwarranted-attacks-re-rcna244351 Marjorie Taylor Greene blasts Trump for 'vicious' attacks after saying her company received a pipe bomb threat] ''NBC News'' (November 17, 2025) * Quiet, piggy. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/testy-trump-lashes-out-at-female-reporter-asking-about-epstein-quiet-piggy/ "Trump Lashes Out at Female Reporter Asking About Epstein: ‘Quiet, Piggy!’"] ''The Daily Beast'' (November 18, 2025) *It’s called SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL. Each one of these traitors to our Country should be ARRESTED AND PUT ON TRIAL. Their words cannot be allowed to stand – We won’t have a Country anymore!!! An example MUST BE SET. President DJT *This is really bad, and Dangerous to our Country. Their words cannot be allowed to stand. SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR FROM TRAITORS!!! LOCK THEM UP??? President DJT *SEDITIOUS BEHAVIOR, punishable by DEATH! **Series of Truth Social posts suggesting Senators Elissa Slotkin and Mark Kelly, as well as Representatives Jason Crow, Chris Deluzio, Chrissy Houlahan, and Maggie Goodlander be arrested and put to death for a video they made urging military members to “refuse illegal orders” issued “against American citizens” [https://www.mediaite.com/media/news/an-example-must-be-set-trump-calls-for-democrats-who-urged-soldiers-to-disobey-illegal-orders-to-be-arrested-and-put-on-trial/ ‘Punishable by DEATH’: Trump Floats Execution for Democrats Who Urged Soldiers to Disobey Illegal Orders] ''Mediate'' (November 20, 2025) *'''Reporter:''' [The Afghan refugee] was vetted and the vetting came up clean.<br>'''Donald Trump:''' He went cuckoo. I mean, he went nuts, and that happens too. It happens too often with these people….There was no vetting or anything, they came in unvetted…<br>'''Reporter:''' Actually, your DOJ IG just reported this year that there was thorough vetting by DHS and by the FBI of these Afghans who were brought into the U.S. So why do you blame the Biden administration?<br>'''Trump:''' Because they let ’em in. Are you stupid? Are you a stupid person? Because they came into on a plane along with thousands of other people that shouldn’t be here, and you’re just asking questions because you’re a stupid person. **Responding to a female reporter regarding the Afghan refugee, vetted by the Trump DOJ, who shot two national guardsmen in Washington DC on Thanksgiving Day [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/donald-trump-stupid-attack_n_6928ebbfe4b0237ded13a17a Trump Rips Into Another Female Reporter With Incredibly 'Stupid' Personal Attack] ''Huffington Post'' (November 27, 2025) ===== Press conference with Zohran Mamdani (21 November 2025) ===== [[File:President Trump Meets with Zohran Mamdani, Mayor-Elect, New York City (11212025).webm|222px|right]] * We have one thing in common. We want this city of ours that we love to do very well, and I wanted to congratulate the mayor. He really ran an incredible race against, you know, a lot of smart people, starting with the early primaries against some very tough people, very smart people, and he beat them and he beat them easily, and I congratulated him. … I think you're going to have hopefully a really great mayor. The better he does, the happier I am. I will say there's no difference in party. There's no difference in anything, and we're going to be helping him. To make everybody's dream come true, having a strong and very safe New York, and congratulations, [[Zohran Mamdani|Mr. Mayor]]. * I can tell you some of my views have [[changed]] and we had discussions on some things. I'm not going to discuss what they were, but that I feel very [[confident]] that he can do a very good job. I think I think he's going to be — I think he is going to [[surprise]] some [[conservative]] [[people]] actually — and some very [[liberal]] people — he won't surprise them because they already like him. ==== December 2025 ==== *If [drug producers] come through a certain country, or any country, or if we think they're building mills for, whether it's fentanyl or cocaine. I hear the country of Colombia is making cocaine, they have cocaine manufacturing plants... Anybody that's doing that and selling it into our country is subject to attack… Not just Venezuela. **Indicates military strikes are possible in other countries if they are suspected of producing or transporting drugs [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-colombia-drugs-military-strikes-venezuela-11144611 Donald Trump Threatens Expanding Military Strikes to More Countries] ''Newsweek'' (December 2, 2025) *Any and all Documents, Proclamations, Executive Orders, Memorandums, or Contracts, signed by Order of the now infamous and unauthorized 'AUTOPEN,' within the Administration of Joseph R. Biden Jr., are hereby null, void, and of no further force or effect. Anyone receiving 'Pardons,' 'Commutations,' or any other Legal Document so signed, please be advised that said Document has been fully and completely terminated, and is of no Legal effect. **[https://www.newsweek.com/trump-says-biden-autopen-pardons-invalid-11145591 Trump Says All Pardons, Commutations Signed by Biden Autopen ‘Terminated’] ''Newsweek'' (December 2, 2025) *The word affordability is a con job by the Democrats. The word affordability is a Democrat scam. **Responding to Democrats' complaints about inflation at today's Cabinet meeting [https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2025/12/02/trump-cabinet-meeting-venezuela-live-updates/87566205007/ 'Affordability is a con job by the Democrats,' Trump says] ''USA Today'' (December 2, 2025) *<b>ABC News Reporter Selina Wang:</b> Mr. President, you released video of that first boat strike on September 2nd, but not the second video. Will you release video [of the September 2 US military strikes against a suspected drug-smuggling boat in the Caribbean] so that the American people can see for themselves what happened?<br><b>Donald Trump:</b> I don’t know what they have, but whatever they have we’d certainly release, no problem. **[https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/08/politics/fact-check-trump-september-strike-video Fact check: Trump denies saying something he said on camera five days ago] ''CNN'' (December 3, 2025) * You'll never see me sleeping in front of a camera. ** [https://www.express.co.uk/showbiz/tv-radio/2142156/sleepy-donald-trump-humiliated "'Sleepy' Donald Trump humiliated with own words in resurfaced TV appearance"] ''Express'' (December 4, 2025) *<b>ABC News Reporter Rachel Scott:</b> Mr. President, you said you would have no problem with releasing the full video of that strike on September 2nd off the coast of Venezuela. Secretary Hegseth now says –<br><b>Donald Trump:</b> I didn’t say that. That’s – you said that, I didn’t say that. This is ABC fake news.<br><b>Scott:</b> You said that you would have no problem releasing the full vi(deo)….<br><b>Trump:</b> Whatever Hegseth wants to do is OK with me.<br><b>Scott:</b> He now says it’s under review. Are you ordering the secretary to release that full video?<br><b>Trump:</b> Whatever he decides is OK with me. So every boat we knock out of the water, every boat, we save 25,000 American lives. That was a boat loaded up with drugs....<br><b>Scott:</b> Are you committed to releasing the full video?<br><b>Trump:</b> Didn’t I just tell you that?<br><b>Scott:</b> You said it was up to Secretary Hegseth.<br><b>Trump:</b> You are the most obnoxious reporter in the whole place. Let me just tell you, you are an obnoxious—actually, a terrible reporter, and it’s always the same with you. **[https://www.cnn.com/2025/12/08/politics/fact-check-trump-september-strike-video Fact check: Trump denies saying something he said on camera five days ago] ''CNN'' (December 8, 2025)[https://newrepublic.com/post/204152/donald-trump-pulls-180-releasing-boat-strike-video] * The word 'affordability' is a con job by the Democrats. The word 'affordability' is a Democrat scam. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2025/12/14/trump-economy-inflation-affordability-hoax/87725036007/ "Stop criticizing Trump's bad economy. You're making him sad."] Opinion by Rex Hupke, in ''USA Today'' (December 14, 2025) *A very sad thing happened last night in Hollywood. Rob Reiner, a tortured and struggling, but once very talented movie director and comedy star, has passed away, together with his wife, Michele, reportedly due to the anger he caused others through his massive, unyielding, and incurable affliction with a mind crippling disease known as TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME, sometimes referred to as TDS. He was known to have driven people CRAZY by his raging obsession of President Donald J. Trump, with his obvious paranoia reaching new heights as the Trump Administration surpassed all goals and expectations of greatness, and with the Golden Age of America upon us, perhaps like never before. May Rob and Michele rest in peace! **Truth Social post one day after [[Wikipedia:Rob Reiner|Rob Reiner]] and his wife, Michele, were found dead in their Los Angeles home due to an apparent homicide [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-disparages-rob-reiner-political-views-murder/# Trump disparages Rob Reiner's political views a day after his murder] ''CBS News'' (December 15, 2025) * I was never on Epstein's Plane. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c74xgp81pqgo "Trump travelled on Epstein's plane more than previously thought, newly released prosecutor's email says"] ''BBC'' (December 23, 2025) * Merry Christmas to all, including the Radical Left Scum that is doing everything possible to destroy our Country, but are failing badly. ** [https://www.trtworld.com/article/08dba4da974b "Trump calls Democrats 'radical left scum' in Christmas Eve message] ''TRT World'' (December 25, 2025) * Merry Christmas to all, including the many Sleazebags who loved Jeffrey Epstein, gave him bundles of money, went to his Island, attended his parties, and thought he was the greatest guy on earth, only to ‘drop him like a dog’ when things got too HOT, falsely claimed they had nothing to do with him, didn’t know him, said he was a disgusting person, and then blame, of course, President Donald J. Trump, who was actually the only one who did drop Epstein, and long before it became fashionable to do so. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/sleazebags-trump-wishes-merry-christmas-012444246.html "'Sleazebags': Trump Wishes A Merry Christmas To ... Epstein Island Visitors?!?"] ''Huffington Post / Yahoo News'' (December 26, 2025) * My friends will get hurt. ** [https://uk.news.yahoo.com/trump-yelled-friends-hurt-marjorie-181823942.html Trump Yelled 'My Friends Will Get Hurt' at Marjorie Taylor Greene for Threatening to Name Epstein Abusers, She Claims] (December 29, 2025) ===== Address to the Nation (17 December 2025) ===== *Eleven months ago, I inherited a mess, and I’m fixing it. When I took office, inflation was the worst in 48 years, and some would say in the history of our country, which caused prices to be higher than ever before, making life unaffordable for millions and millions of Americans. This happened during a Democrat administration, and it’s when we first began hearing the word affordability. *Over the past 11 months, we have brought more positive change to Washington than any administration in American history. *For the last four years, the United States was ruled by politicians who fought only for insiders, illegal aliens, career criminals, corporate lobbyists, prisoners, terrorists and, above all, foreign nations, which took advantage of us at levels never seen before. They flooded your cities and towns with illegal aliens. They decimated your hard-earned savings. They indoctrinated your children with hate for America, released, really, I mean, they just released a level of violent felons that we had never seen to prey on innocent. They caused war. They caused mayhem. They caused a horrible situation all over the globe. *Here at home, we are bringing our economy back from the brink of ruin. The last administration and their allies in Congress looted our Treasury for trillions of dollars, driving up prices and everything at levels never seen before. I am bringing those high prices down and bringing them down very fast. *Democrat politicians also sent the cost of groceries soaring, but we are solving that, too. The price of a Thanksgiving turkey was down 33 percent compared to the Biden last year. The price of eggs is down 82 percent since March, and everything else is falling rapidly. And it’s not done yet, but boy, are we making progress. Nobody can believe what’s going on. *Already, I’ve secured a record-breaking $18 trillion of investment into the United States, which means jobs, wage increases, growth, factory openings and far greater national security. Much of this success has been accomplished by tariffs, my favorite word, tariffs, which for many decades have been used successfully by other countries against us, but not anymore. *One year ago, our country was dead. We were absolutely dead. Our country was ready to fail. Totally fail. Now we’re the hottest country anywhere in the world. And that’s said by every single leader that I’ve spoken to over the last five months. *I negotiated directly with the drug companies and foreign nations, which were taken advantage of our country for many decades to slash prices on drugs and pharmaceuticals by as much as 400, 500 and even 600 percent. *The current unaffordable care act was created to make insurance companies rich. It was bad health care at much too high a cost, and you see that now in the steep increase in premiums being demanded by the Democrats. And they are demanding those increases and it’s their fault. It is not the Republicans’ fault. It’s the Democrats’ fault. It’s the unaffordable care act, and everybody knew it.<br>Again, I want the money to go directly to the people so you can buy your own health care. You’ll get much better health care at a much lower price. The only losers will be insurance companies that have gotten rich, and the Democrat Party, which is totally controlled by those same insurance companies. They will not be happy, but that’s OK with me because you, the people, are finally going to be getting great health care at a lower cost. *On Day 1, I declared a national energy emergency. Gasoline is now under $2.50 a gallon, and in much of the country, in some states, it, by the way, just hit $1.99 a gallon. *Tonight, after 11 months, our border is secure, inflation has stopped, wages are up, prices are down, our nation is strong, America is respected, and our country is back, stronger than ever before. We’re poised for an economic boom the likes of which the world has never seen. Soon we will host the World Cup and the Olympics, both of which I got. But most importantly, we will celebrate the 250th anniversary of the Declaration of Independence.<br>There could be no more fitting tribute to this epic milestone than to complete the comeback of America that began just one year ago. When the world looks at us next year, let them see a nation that is loyal to its citizens, faithful to its workers, confident to its identity, certain to its destiny and the envy of the entire globe. We are respected again, like we have never been respected before. **[https://www.nytimes.com/2025/12/17/us/politics/trump-speech-transcript-economy.html Full Transcript of President Trump’s Speech on the Economy] ''The New York Times'' (December 17, 2025) ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/12/17/politics/fact-check-trump-prime-time-address "Fact check: Trump repeats numerous false claims in prime-time address"] ''CNN'' (December 18, 2025) ===2026=== ====January 2026==== *Peace. Peace on Earth. **When asked what his New Year's resolution was [https://www.foxnews.com/politics/president-donald-trump-shares-his-new-years-resolution.print President Donald Trump shares his New Year's resolution] ''Fox News'' (January 1, 2026) *Somalians ripped off that state for billions of dollars, billions every year, billions of dollars. And they contribute nothing. The welfare is like 88 percent. They contribute nothing. I don’t want them in our country. I’ll be honest with you, okay? Somebody said, ‘Oh, that’s not politically correct.’ I don’t care. I don’t want them in our country. Their country’s no good for a reason. Their country stinks, and we don’t want them in our country. **[https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2025/12/02/somalis-minnesota-trump-walz-immigration-enforcement/ Trump rails against Somali migrants], ''Washington Post'' (January 4, 2026) *Yeah, there is one thing. My own morality. My own mind. It’s the only thing that can stop me. I don’t need international law. I’m not looking to hurt people. **When asked if there were any limits on his global powers [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/01/08/us/politics/trump-interview-power-morality.html?unlocked_article_code=1.C1A.ZfEI.Unv_CN3B-FBv&smid=url- Trump Lays Out a Vision of Power Restrained Only by ‘My Own Morality’] ''The New York Times'' (January 8, 2026) *I’m not talking about money for [[Greenland]], yet.<br>I might talk about that, but right now we are going to do something on Greenland, whether they like it or not. Because if we don’t do it, Russia or China will take over Greenland, and we’re not going to have Russia or China as a neighbor.<br>…The fact that [Denmark] had a boat land there 500 years ago doesn’t mean that they own the land. [I’m] sure we had lots of boats go there also.<br>So we’re going to be doing something with Greenland, either the nice way or the more difficult [way]. **[https://www.cnbc.com/2026/01/09/trump-greenland-military-denmark-nato.html Trump: ‘We are going to do something on Greenland whether they like it or not’] ''CNBC'' (January 9, 2026) * You got to win the midterms because if we don't win the midterms, it's just going to be — I mean, they'll find a reason to impeach me. <b>I'll get impeached.</b> * They say that when you win the presidency, you lose the midterm. So, you're all brilliant people. Most of you are in this business longer than me. That makes me smarter than you, because look where I am right? No, it doesn't. But I wish you could, explain to me what the hell's going on with the mind of the public. Because we have a — we have the right policy. They don't. They have a horrible policy. They do stick together. * They had the worst president, did the worst job. They had the worst policy. We have to even run against these people. Now, I won't say cancel the election, <b>they should cancel the election</b>, because the fake news will say, 'He wants the elections canceled. He's a dictator.' They always call me a dictator. ** [https://eu.delawareonline.com/story/news/2026/01/15/trump-impeachment-update-2026-is-trump-getting-impeached-midterm-elections-cancelled-predictions/88195759007/ "Is Trump getting impeached in 2026? Here's what he said about cancelling midterms"] ''Delaware Online / USA TODAY NETWORK'' (January 15, 2026) * Dear Jonas: Considering your Country decided not to give me the Nobel Peace Prize for having stopped 8 Wars PLUS, <b>I no longer feel an obligation to think purely of Peace</b>, although it will always be predominant, but can now think about what is good and proper for the United States of America. Denmark cannot protect that land from Russia or China, and why do they have a “right of ownership” anyway? There are no written documents, it’s only a boat that landed there hundreds of years ago, but we had boats landing there, also. <b>I have done more for NATO than any person since its founding</b>, and <b>now, NATO should do something for the United States. The World is not secure unless we have Complete and Total Control of Greenland.</b> Thank you! President DJT ** Message to Norwegian prime minister [[w:Jonas Gahr Støre|Jonas Gahr Støre]], as cited in [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/2026/01/trump-letter-to-norway/685676/ "Trump’s Letter to Norway Should Be the Last Straw - Will Republicans in Congress ever step in?"] ''The Atlantic'' (January 19, 2026) * I don't care about the Nobel Prize. * I think I have saved tens of millions of lives. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2026/01/20/us/video/trump-dont-care-about-the-nobel-prize-digvid-vrtc "Trump: I don't care about the Nobel prize"] ''CNN'' (January 20, 2026) ===== Remarks on U.S. military operations in Venezuela (3 January 2026) ===== * Late last night and early today at my direction the United States armed forces conducted [[w:2026 United States strikes in Venezuela|an extraordinary military operation]] in the capital of [[Venezuela]]. * The lights of Caracas were largely turned off due to a certain expertise that we have. It was dark and it was deadly. But captured along with his wife, [[w:Cilia Flores|Cilia Flores]], both of whom now face American justice. * '''We are going to run the country until such time as we can do a safe, proper and judicious transition.''' * Under our new national security strategy, American dominance in the western hemisphere will never be questioned again. *'''We're going to be taking out a tremendous amount of wealth out of the ground''', and that wealth is going to the people of Venezuela and people from outside of Venezuela that used to be in Venezuela, and it goes also to the United States of America in the form of reimbursement for the damages caused by that country. **Response to a question from the press following his remarks on operations in Venezuela [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/trumps-vow-run-venezuela-sell-oil-part-plan/story?id=128873221 Trump's vow to 'run' Venezuela, sell oil, part of plan to dominate Western Hemisphere] ''ABC News'' (January 3, 2026) ==== February 2026==== [[File:Kennedy Center (46399777861).jpg|thumb| The [[w:Kennedy Center|Trump Kennedy Center]] will close on [[Independence Day (United States)|July 4th]], 2026, in [[honor]] of the 250th Anniversary of [[United States|our Country]], whereupon we will simultaneously begin Construction of the new and spectacular Entertainment Complex.]] * I have determined that the fastest way to bring [[w:Kennedy Center|The Trump Kennedy Center]] to the highest level of Success, Beauty, and Grandeur, is to cease Entertainment Operations for an approximately two year period of time, with a scheduled Grand Reopening that will rival and surpass anything that has taken place with respect to such a Facility before. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/115997939705121174 Announcement of closure] of the [[w:Kennedy Center|John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts]] (1 February 2026), referred to by Trump as "The Trump Kennedy Center" without authorization of such a renaming by the US Congress. * The Grammy Awards are the WORST, virtually unwatchable! Noah said, INCORRECTLY about me, that Donald Trump and Bill Clinton spent time on Epstein Island. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2026/02/02/politics/trevor-noah-trump-grammys-epstein "Trump slams Grammys and threatens to sue host Trevor Noah after Epstein joke"] ''CNN'' (February 2, 2026) * I don't want to drive housing prices down, I want to drive housing prices up for people that own their homes and they can be assured that's what's going to happen. ** [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-wants-drive-us-house-103900744.html "Trump wants to drive US house prices up for homeowners, block those who don’t ‘work very hard’ from buying. Do this now"] ''Moneywise / Yahoo Finance'' (February 4, 2026) * ''About the 2024 election:'' I had to win it. I needed it for my own ego. I would have had a bad ego for the rest of my life. Now I really have a big ego. * I don’t know how a person of faith can vote for a Democrat. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/feb/05/trump-religious-right-republicans "The way, the Trump and the lies: prayer breakfast displays US right’s devil’s pact"] ''The Guardian'' (February 5, 2026) * U.S. Olympic Skier, Hunter Hess, a real Loser, says he doesn’t represent his Country in the current Winter Olympics. If that’s the case, he shouldn’t have tried out for the Team, and it’s too bad he’s on it. ** Written about Hunter Hess, who has said that just because he's wearing the flag doesn't mean he is representing all that is going on in the US, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5728563-trump-rips-hunter-hess-olympics/ "Trump rips Olympic skier over remarks about representing US"] ''The Hill'' (February 8, 2026) * The Super Bowl Halftime Show is absolutely terrible, one of the worst, EVER! It makes no sense, is an affront to the Greatness of America, and doesn’t represent our standards of Success, Creativity, or Excellence. ** Claimed about the show with the US rapper [[w:Bad Bunny | Bad Bunny]], quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/us/trump-says-bad-bunnys-super-bowl-halftime-show-was-absolutely-terrible-2026-02-09/ "Trump says Bad Bunny's Super Bowl halftime was 'absolutely terrible'"] ''Reuters'' ( February 9, 2026) * I am predicting 100,000 on the DOW by the end of my Term. REMEMBER TRUMP WAS RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING! ** [https://finance.yahoo.com/news/trump-says-everything-credits-tariffs-193104611.html "Trump Says He 'Was Right About Everything,' Credits Tariffs For Dow Jones At 50,000, Predicts It Will Reach 100,000 By This Time"] ''Yahoo Finance'' (February 10, 2026) * TARIFFS have given us Great National Security because the mere mention of the word has Countries agreeing to our strongest wishes, * Any Republican, in the House or the Senate, that votes against TARIFFS will seriously suffer the consequences come Election time, and that includes Primaries! ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5734521-trump-tariffs-primary-threat/ "Trump threatens ‘consequences’ for Republicans who voted against tariffs on Canada"] ''The Hill'' (February 11, 2026) ===== Announcement of major combat operations in Iran (28 February 2026) ===== [[File:President Donald J. Trump on the United States Military Major Combat Operations in Iran.webm|thumb|Trump on major combat operations in Iran]] :<small>[https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack Full statement at PBS (28 February 2026)]</small> [[File:Trump announcing strikes on Iran, February 28 2026.png|thumb|A short time ago, the [[United States]] [[military]] began [[w:2026 Israeli–United States strikes on Iran|major combat operations]] in [[Iran]].]] [[File:President Donald J. Trump oversees Operation Epic Fury at Mar-a-Lago, Palm Beach, FL, Feb. 28, 2026. (White House photo by Daniel Torok) (55121599389).jpg|thumb|My administration is taking every possible step to minimize the risk to U.S. personnel in the region. Even so, and I do not make this statement lightly, the Iranian regime seeks to kill. The lives of courageous American heroes may be lost, and we may have casualties. That often happens in war.]] * A short time ago, the United States military began major combat operations in Iran. Our objective is to defend the American people by eliminating imminent threats from the Iranian regime. A vicious group of very hard, terrible people. Its menacing activities directly endanger the United States, our troops, our bases overseas, and our allies throughout the world. * Iran is the world's number one state sponsor of terror, and just recently killed tens of thousands of its own citizens on the street as they protested. It has always been the policy of the United States, in particular my administration, that this terrorist regime can never have a nuclear weapon. I'll say it again, they can never have a nuclear weapon. * They've rejected every opportunity to renounce their nuclear ambitions, and we can't take it anymore. Instead, they attempted to rebuild their nuclear program and to continue developing the long range missiles that can now threaten our very good friends and allies in Europe, our troops stationed overseas, and could soon reach the American homeland. Just imagine how emboldened this regime would be if they ever had, and actually were armed with nuclear weapons as a means to deliver their message. <br /> For these reasons, the United States military is undertaking a massive and ongoing operation to prevent this very wicked, radical dictatorship from threatening America and our core national security interests. We're going to destroy their missiles and raze their missile industry to the ground. It will be totally again obliterated. We're going to annihilate their navy. We're going to ensure that the region's terrorist proxies can no longer destabilize the region or the world and attack our forces, and no longer use their IEDs, or roadside bombs as they are sometimes called, to so gravely wound and kill thousands and thousands of people, including many Americans. And we will ensure that Iran does not obtain a nuclear weapon. It's a very simple message. They will never have a nuclear weapon. * This regime will soon learn that no one should challenge the strength and might of the United States Armed Forces. I built and rebuilt our military in my first administration and there is no military on earth even close to its power, strength or sophistication. My administration is taking every possible step to minimize the risk to U.S. personnel in the region. Even so, and I do not make this statement lightly, the Iranian regime seeks to kill. The lives of courageous American heroes may be lost, and we may have casualties. That often happens in war. But we're doing this not for now. We're doing this for the future. And it is a noble mission. We pray for every service member as they selflessly risk their lives to ensure that Americans and our children will never be threatened by a nuclear-armed Iran. We ask God to protect all of our heroes in harm's way. And we trust that with his help, the men and women of the armed forces will prevail. We have the greatest in the world, and they will prevail. * To the members of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard, the armed forces and all of the police, I say tonight that you must lay down your weapons and have complete immunity. Or in the alternative, face certain death. So, lay down your arms. You will be treated fairly with total immunity, or you will face certain death. Finally, to the great proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand. Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere. When we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for generations. <br /> For many years, you have asked for America's help. But you never got it. No president was willing to do what I am willing to do tonight. Now you have a president who is giving you what you want. So let's see how you respond. America is backing you with overwhelming strength and devastating force. Now is the time to seize control of your destiny, and to unleash the prosperous and glorious future that is close within your reach. This is the moment for action. Do not let it pass. ==== March 2026 ==== {{See also|2026 Iran war}} * There will be no deal with Iran except UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER! * IRAN WILL HAVE A GREAT FUTURE. 'MAKE IRAN GREAT AGAIN (MIGA!).'” ** [https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2029923412269809980 "UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER!"] ''The White House'' (March 6, 2026) * Iran, which is being beat to HELL, has apologized and surrendered to its Middle East neighbors, and promised that it will not shoot at them anymore. This promise was only made because of the relentless U.S. and Israeli attack... Iran is no longer the 'Bully of the Middle East,' they are, instead, 'THE LOSER OF THE MIDDLE EAST,' ** [https://www.instagram.com/p/DVliTBoFFXd/ "IRAN WILL BE HIT VERY HARD!"] ''White House'' (March 7, 2026) * I think the war is very complete, pretty much. * If you look, they have nothing left. There's nothing left in a military sense. * If they do anything bad, that would be the end of Iran and you'd never hear the name again. * Wrapping up is all in my mind, nobody else's. ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says "the war is very complete," and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"] ''CBS News'' (March 9, 2026) * We think they should put a president in or the head of the country that’s going to be able to do something peacefully for a change. They’ve been doing this for 47 years, killing people for 47 years. Whether it’s the barracks or even the SS Cole where they were involved, very strongly, they always denied it. But they were very strongly involved and all of the <b>people that died through the roadside bombs died and are right now walking around with no legs, no arms.</b> A face that’s been so badly damaged. ** Claimed about the people of Iran and about the [[w:October 2000 bombing of USS Cole | October 2000 bombing of USS Cole ]] in Yemen by Al Qaida, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/207572/trump-rant-dead-soldiers-walking-around-no-legs-iran "Trump Goes on Deranged Rant About Dead Soldiers Walking Around"] ''The New Republic'' (March 10, 2026) * These ships should go through the Strait of Hormuz and show some guts, there’s nothing to be afraid of ... They have no Navy, we sunk all their ships. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/hormuz-strait-attacks-follow-trump-saying-crews-should-show-some-guts-11660339 "Hormuz Strait Attacks Follow Trump Saying Crews Should ‘Show Some Guts’"] ''Newsweek'' (March 11, 2026) * The United States is the largest oil producer in the world, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. * The straits are in great shape. We’ve knocked out all of their boats. They have some missiles, but not very many. I think we’re in very good … we’re in very good shape. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5780543-us-oil-prices-trump/ "Trump: ‘When oil prices go up, we make a lot of money’"] ''The Hill'' (March 12, 2026) * I don't want the president of the United States to have a cognitive deficiency. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/newsom-trump-cognitive-ability-2028-election-b2936871.html "Newsom gives scathing two-word retort after Trump publicly questions governor’s mental health and ‘cognitive’ ability"] ''Independent'' (March 12, 2026) * You never like to say too early you won. We won. We won the bet — in the first hour, it was over. ** [https://www.ms.now/news/news-analysis/trump-iran-winning-project-47-newsletter "‘We’ve won’: Trump’s declarations of victory in war with Iran defy reality"] ''MS Now'' (March 12, 2026) * It's an excursion that will keep us out of a war, and the war is going to be, uh -- I mean, for them it's a war. For us, it's turned out to be easier than we thought. ** [https://abcnews.com/Politics/excursion-war-trump-analysis/story?id=131003550 "A 'little excursion' or 'war'? It's 'both,' Trump says: ANALYSIS"] ''ABC News'' (March 13, 2026) * Watch what happens to these deranged scumbags today. They’ve been killing innocent people all over the world for 47 years, and now I, as the 47th President of the United States of America, am killing them. What a great honor it is to do so! ** [https://www.latimes.com/politics/story/2026-03-15/trump-hegseth-iran-war-rhetoric "Trump’s war rhetoric is coarse. It’s also heard differently, depending on the audience"] ''Los Angeles Times'' (March 15, 2026) * We may hit it a few more times just for fun. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/15/trump-says-us-may-hit-irans-kharg-island-again-just-for-fun "Trump says US may hit Iran’s Kharg Island again ‘just for fun’"] ''AlJazeera'' (March 15, 2026) * I’ve spoken to a certain president, who I like, actually. A past president, a former president. He said, 'I wish I did it.' But they didn't do it. I'm doing it. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-president-call-b2940315.html "Trump says he spoke to an ex-president who praised his Iran War. They all deny taking the call"] ''Independent'' (March 17, 2026) * ''About [[w:Joe Kent | Joe Kent]], former director of the National Counterterrorism Center:'' It’s a good thing that he’s out because he said Iran was not a threat. ** [https://washingtonstatestandard.com/2026/03/17/was-joe-kent-leaving-trump-administration-over-war-in-iran/ "WA’s Joe Kent leaving Trump administration over war in Iran"] ''Washington State Standard'' (March 17, 2026) * My attitude is, we don’t need anybody. We’re the strongest nation in the world. We have the strongest military by far in the world. We don’t need them. ** [https://www.tvinsider.com/1252321/cnns-kasie-hunt-mocks-trump-over-his-bizarre-press-briefing/ "CNN’s Kasie Hunt Mocks Trump Over His Bizarre Press Briefing"] ''TV Insider'' (March 17, 2026) * NATO nations have done absolutely nothing to help with the lunatic nation, now militarily decimated, of Iran. the U.S.A needs nothing from NATO, but “never forget" this very important point in time!" ** [https://www.news18.com/world/done-absolutely-nothing-trump-fires-at-nato-nations-for-no-action-on-lunatic-iran-9998722.html "'Done Absolutely Nothing': Trump Fires At NATO Nations For No Action On 'Lunatic Iran'"] ''News 18'' (March 26, 2026) * When we go in, we went in very hard, and we didn't tell anybody about it, because we wanted surprise—Who knows better about surprise than Japan? Why didn't you tell me about Pearl Harbor? ** In response to a reporter questioning why the US did not inform its NATO allies before launching strikes on Iran, during a joint press conference with Japanese Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi, quoted in [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/pearl-harbor-joke-iran-operation-meeting-japan-prime-minister-war-rcna264325 "Trump makes Pearl Harbor joke during meeting with Japanese prime minister"] ''NBC News'' (March 19, 2026) * ''About the attack on Iran:'' We could have dialogue, but I don’t want to do a ceasefire. You know you don’t do a ceasefire when you’re literally obliterating the other side. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2026/03/20/trump-iran-war-ceasefire.html "Trump says he doesn’t want Iran war ceasefire, but is considering ‘winding down’ military ops"] ''CNBC'' (March 20, 2026) * Robert Mueller just died. Good, I’m glad he’s dead. He can no longer hurt innocent people! ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/mar/21/robert-mueller-special-counsel-trump-russia-dies "Robert Mueller, special counsel who investigated Trump-Russia ties, dies at 81"] ''The Guardian'' (March 21, 2026) * I read a story today that I’m desperate to make a deal…. I’m the opposite of desperate. I don’t care. I want to know ― in fact, we have other targets we want to hit before we leave. We’re hitting them on a daily basis. * We don’t need the Hormuz Strait. We don’t need it. We don’t need it at all. We don’t ― we have so much oil. Our country is not affected by this. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/trump-iran-peace-deal_n_69c58c70e4b09f8e00509ee8 "Trump Trots Out Wildly Contradictory Iran War Claims — And Says He Doesn't Care If There's A Peace Deal"] ''Huffington Post'' (March 26, 2026) : ''About the US attack on Iran:'' * I can’t say what we’re going to do because if I did, I wouldn’t be sitting here for long. They’d probably — what is it called? The 25th Amendment? — They’d institute the 25th Amendment. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/donald-trump-jokes-cabinet-25th-103104867.html "Donald Trump Jokes Cabinet Would Use 25th Amendment to Remove Him"] ''Mandatory / Yahoo News'' (March 27, 2026) * See, I get into a war — of course, they call it a war, I call it a military conflict. But there’s a legal reason for that. I said, ‘Look, you know, we have a thing called a war,’ or as they would rather say, a military operation. It’s for legal reasons. I say ‘military’ because as a military operation, I don’t need any approvals. As a war, you’re supposed to get approval from Congress. Something like that. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/call-war-trump-reveals-real-172604512.html "'They Call It A War': Trump Reveals Real Reason He Keeps Calling Iran War Something Else"] ''Huffington Post / Yahoo News'' (March 28, 2026) * I always like to hang around with losers, actually, because it makes me feel better. I hate guys that are very, very successful and you have to listen to their success stories. I like people that like to listen to my success. ** [https://www.aol.com/articles/five-unhinged-trump-moments-investment-100000181.html "Five unhinged Trump moments at investment summit from weird interruption to filthy question"] ''AOL'' (March 28) * To be honest with you, my favourite thing is to take the oil in Iran, but some stupid people back in the US say: ‘Why are you doing that?’ But they’re stupid people. * Maybe we take Kharg Island, maybe we don’t. We have a lot of options. It would also mean we had to be there for a while. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/30/trump-wants-to-invade-iran-to-seize-oil-calls-us-objectors-stupid "Trump wants to invade Iran to seize oil, calls US objectors ‘stupid people’"] ''Al Jazeera'' (March 30, 2026) * The Republicans are wonderful people. We're dealing with very sick people. The Democrats are sick; there's something wrong. They're like terrorists. ** [https://www.aol.com/entertainment/donald-trump-ruthlessly-dubbed-inept-133940897.html "Donald Trump ruthlessly dubbed an 'inept pile of garbage' amid Democrat 'terrorist' jab"] ''AOL'' (March 30, 2026) * All of those countries that can’t get jet fuel because of the Strait of Hormuz, like the United Kingdom, which refused to get involved in the decapitation of Iran, I have a suggestion for you: Number 1, buy from the U.S., we have plenty, and Number 2, build up some delayed courage, go to the Strait, and just TAKE IT. * You’ll have to start learning how to fight for yourself, the U.S.A. won’t be there to help you anymore, just like you weren’t there for us. Iran has been, essentially, decimated. The hard part is done. Go get your own oil! ** [https://nypost.com/2026/03/31/us-news/trump-lashes-out-at-france-and-uk-over-strait-of-hormuz/ "Trump lashes out at France and UK, says nations should ‘just take’ Strait of Hormuz to replenish lost oil"] ''New York Post'' (March 31, 2026) ==== April 2026 ==== * We're going to hit them extremely hard over the next two to three weeks — we're going to bring them back to the Stone Age, where they belong. ** [https://www.war.gov/News/News-Stories/Article/Article/4450132/trump-objectives-in-iran-near-completion-terrorist-nation-bully-no-longer/ "Trump: Objectives in Iran Near Completion, Terrorist Nation 'Bully No Longer'"] ''US Department of war'' (April 1, 2026) * We could just take their oil. But, you know, I’m not sure that the people in our country have the patience to do that, which is unfortunate. They want to see it end. If we stayed there, I prefer just to take the oil. We could do it so easily; I would prefer that. But people in the country sort of say, ‘Just win. You’re winning so big, just win. Come home. * With a little more time, we can easily OPEN THE HORMUZ STRAIT, TAKE THE OIL, & MAKE A FORTUNE * KEEP THE OIL, ANYONE? ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/4/3/trump-says-with-more-time-us-can-take-the-oil-in-iran "Trump says with more time, US can ‘take the oil’ in Iran"] ''Al Jazeera'' (April 3, 2026) * Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2026/04/05/trump-threatens-iranian-infrastructure-hormuz-00859268?utm_medium=referral&utm_source=snews "Trump again threatens to hit Iranian civil infrastructure"] ''Politico'' (April 5, 2026) * A whole civilization will die tonight, never to be brought back again. I don’t want that to happen, but it probably will. However, now that we have Complete and Total Regime Change, where different, smarter, and less radicalized minds prevail, maybe something revolutionarily wonderful can happen, WHO KNOWS? We will find out tonight, one of the most important moments in the long and complex history of the World. 47 years of extortion, corruption, and death, will finally end. God Bless the Great People of Iran! ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-iran-warning-whole-civilization-die-11792792 "Trump Issues New Warning to Iran: ‘A Whole Civilization Will Die Tonight’"] ''Newsweek'' (April 7, 2026) * I know why Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly, Candace Owens, and Alex Jones have all been fighting me for years, especially by the fact that they think it is wonderful for Iran, the Number One State Sponsor of Terror, to have a Nuclear Weapon — Because they have one thing in common, Low IQs. They’re stupid people, they know it, their families know it, and everyone else knows it, too! Look at their past, look at their record. They don’t have what it takes, and they never did! They’ve all been thrown off Television, lost their Shows, and aren’t even invited on TV because nobody cares about them, they’re NUT JOBS, TROUBLEMAKERS, and will say anything necessary for some “free” and cheap publicity. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/media/5824607-trump-iran-war-tucker-carlson-megyn-kelly/ "Trump slams conservative media figures over splitting with him on Iran"] ''The Hill'' (April 9, 2026) * Effective immediately, the United States Navy, the Finest in the World, will begin the process of BLOCKADING any and all Ships trying to enter, or leave, the Strait of Hormuz. * Any Iranian who fires at us, or at peaceful vessels, will be BLOWN TO HELL! ** [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-iran/ "Trump says U.S. will blockade Strait of Hormuz and intercept ships that paid tolls to Iran"] ''CBS News'' (April 12, 2026) * We don’t like a pope that’s going to say that it’s OK to have a nuclear weapon. We don’t want a pope that says crime is OK in our cities. I don’t like it. I’m not a big fan of Pope Leo, * Pope Leo is WEAK on Crime, and terrible for Foreign Policy * Leo should be thankful because, as everyone knows, he was a shocking surprise. He wasn’t on any list to be Pope, and was only put there by the Church because he was an American, and they thought that would be the best way to deal with President Donald J. Trump. If I wasn’t in the White House, Leo wouldn’t be in the Vatican. ** [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-says-not-big-fan-weak-terrible-pope-leo-rcna331461 "Trump assails Pope Leo as 'weak' and 'terrible' after pontiff's Iran war criticism"] ''NBC News'' (April 13, 2026) * Gas prices have come down very much in the last three or four days * They are not very high. * Everything's going really well. ** [https://www.cnbc.com/2026/04/16/trump-gas-prices-iran-war.html "Trump says gas prices ‘not very high’ as most U.S. voters blame him for price spike"] ''CNBC'' (April 16, 2026) * 'Corner stores'!? What is a corner store? I've never heard that term. I know what a corner store is, but I've never heard it described, a ‘corner store.’ ** [https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-corner-store-reaction "Trump doesn’t know what a corner store is – and people think it says a lot about him"] ''Indy100'' (April 17, 2026) * We have a very good relationship with Iran right now, as hard as it is to believe. And I think it is a combination of about four weeks of bombing and a very powerful blockade. ** [https://www.timesofisrael.com/trump-says-second-round-of-talks-with-iran-could-take-place-this-weekend/ "Trump says 2nd round of Iran talks could be this weekend, war ‘should’ end soon"] ''The Times of Israel'' (April 20, 2026) * I would have won Vietnam very quickly. I would have, if I were president. ** Claimed about the Vietnam War (1955-1975), quoted in [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/trump-boasts-won-vietnam-very-130316917.html "Trump boasts ‘I would have won Vietnam very quickly’ ... despite getting ‘bone spur’ excuse to avoid draft"] ''Independent / Yahoo News'' (April 21, 2026) * A RIGGED ELECTION TOOK PLACE LAST NIGHT IN THE GREAT COMMONWEALTH OF VIRGINIA! * As everyone knows, I am an extraordinarily brilliant person. ** [https://ca.news.yahoo.com/extraordinarily-brilliant-trump-leaves-no-181143288.html "‘Extraordinarily brilliant’ Trump leaves no doubt he will challenge any election GOP losses as ‘rigged’ with latest post"] ''Independent / Yahoo News'' (April 22, 2026) * I just cancelled the trip of my representatives going to Islamabad, Pakistan, to meet with the Iranians. Too much time wasted on traveling, too much work! Besides which, there is tremendous infighting and confusion within their ‘leadership. Nobody knows who is in charge, including them. Also, we have all the cards, they have none! If they want to talk, all they have to do is call!!! ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5849794-trump-iran-peace-negotiations/ "Trump says he won’t send officials to Pakistan for negotiations"] ''The Hill'' (April 26, 2026) * When you have, you know, lines of vast amounts of oil pouring through your system, if for any reason that line is closed because you can’t continue to put it into containers or ships, which has happened to them — they have no ships because of the blockade — what happens is that line explodes from within, both mechanically and in the earth. It’s something that happens where it just explodes. And they say they only have about three days left before that happens. And when it explodes, you can never, regardless, you can never rebuild it the way it was. ** [https://nypost.com/2026/04/26/us-news/trump-claims-irans-oil-infrastructure-may-explode-in-three-days-due-to-us-blockade/ "Trump claims Iran’s oil infrastructure may explode in three days due to US blockade"] ''New York Post'' (April 26, 2026) * The Chancellor of Germany, Friedrich Merz, thinks it’s OK for Iran to have a Nuclear Weapon. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about! If Iran had a Nuclear Weapon, the whole World would be held hostage. * I am doing something with Iran, right now, that other Nations, or Presidents, should have done long ago. No wonder Germany is doing so poorly, both Economically, and otherwise! * They’re a respected country. I have a very good relationship with the country – in particular now, with this leader. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/4/28/trump-scolds-germanys-merz-for-criticism-of-iran-war "Trump scolds Germany’s Merz for criticism of Iran war"] ''AlJazeera'' (April 28, 2026) * He &#91;[[Charles III|King Charles]] of the United Kingdom] made a great speech. I was very jealous. * I want to congratulate Charles on having made a fantastic speech today at Congress. He got the [[Democrats]] to stand, I’ve never been able to do that, I couldn’t believe it. ** [https://www.wionews.com/world/trump-admits-he-s-very-jealous-after-king-charles-did-the-one-thing-he-could-never-pull-off-at-the-capitol-1777442027803#goog_rewarded "Trump admits he's 'very jealous' after King Charles did the one thing he could never pull off at the Capitol"] ''Wion'' (April 29, 2026) * I think Ukraine, militarily they are defeated, OK? You wouldn't know that by reading the fake news. ** [https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394191405112?dicbo=v2-iH2p37I&intcmp=fn_article_mobileweb_bc_ob_more_from "Ukraine is 'militarily' defeated: Trump"] ''Fox News'' (April 29, 2026) ===== Remarks after White House Correspondents' Dinner shootings (25 April 2026) ===== [[File:President Trump Delivers Remarks (April 25, 2026).webm|thumb|start=19:16|thumbtime=19:53|President Trump addresses the press two hours after the shooting]] :<small>[https://www.rev.com/transcripts/trump-speaks-after-whcd-shooting "Trump Speaks After WHCD Shooting" video and transcript at rev.com]</small> * That was very unexpected, but incredibly acted upon by Secret Service and law enforcement. And this was an event dedicated to freedom of speech that was supposed to bring together members of both parties with members of the press. And in a certain way it did because the fact that they just unified, I saw a room that was just totally unified. It was in one way, very beautiful. A very beautiful thing to see. * A tape showing the violence of this thug that attacked our constitution and also showing how quickly Secret Service and law enforcement acted on our country's behalf, really did a great job. <br /> One officer was shot, but saved by the fact that he was wearing obviously a very good bulletproof vest. He was shot from very close distance with a very powerful gun. And the vest did the job. I just spoke to the officer and he's doing great. He's great shape. He has very high spirits and we told him we love him and respect him. And he's a very proud guy. He's very proud of what he does, Secret Service agent. And we looked at all of the conditions that took place tonight. And I will say, it's not a particularly secure building. And I didn't want to say this, but this is why we have to have all of the attributes of what we're planning at the White House. It's actually a larger room and it's a much more secure. It's got, it's drone proof, it's bulletproof glass. <br /> We need the ballroom. That's why Secret Service, that's why the military are demanding it. They've wanted the ballroom for 150 years for lots of different reasons, but today's a little bit different because today we need levels of security that probably nobody's ever seen before. But everyone owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to the courage of law enforcement. * So as you know, this is not the first time in the past couple of years that our republic been attacked by a would be assassin who sought to kill in Butler, Pennsylvania less than two years ago. <br /> You all know that story. And in Palm Beach, Florida, a few months after that, we came close. We really had, again, we had some great work done by law enforcement. But in light of this evening's events, I asked that all Americans recommit with their hearts in resolving our difference peacefully. We have to resolve our differences. I will say you had Republicans, Democrats, independents, conservatives, liberals, and progressives. Those words are interchangeable, perhaps but maybe they're not. But yet everybody in that room, big crowd, record-setting crowd, there was a record-setting group of people, and there was a tremendous amount of love and coming together. I watched and I was very, very impressed by that. * I told the representatives of the evening, they did such a beautiful job, was such a beautiful evening. And again, they're talking about free speech in our [[United States Constitution|Constitution]]. That's what it's all about. Not just White House correspondence. It was really based on free speech in our Constitution. But I said very importantly that we'll do it again within the next 30 days. It will make it bigger and better and even nicer. So I just want to thank everybody that was involved. I also want to thank the press, the media. You've been very responsible in your coverage. I will say I've been seeing what's been out and you've been very responsible. ==== May 2026 ==== : ''About the 2026 midterm election:'' * It is a problem I'm not on the ballot. Everyone says if I was on a ballot we'd win in a landslide. <b>I have some of the best poll numbers I've ever had.</b> ** [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-approval-rating-plummets-personality-traits-11905848 "Donald Trump’s Approval Rating Plummets On All Personality Traits"] ''Newsweek'' (May 2, 2026) * There has been no exchange of fire between the United States Forces and Iran since April 7, 2026. The hostilities that began on February 28, 2026 have terminated. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c4g4xexy4w7o "Trump tells Congress ceasefire means he does not need their approval for Iran war"] ''BBC'' (May 2, 2026) * We took over the ship. We took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business. <b>We’re like pirates.</b> We’re sort of like pirates. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/5/2/trump-says-us-navy-acting-like-pirates-to-enforce-iran-blockade "Trump says US Navy acting ‘like pirates’ to enforce Iran blockade"] ''Al Jazeera'' (May 2, 2026) * It is a very friendly blockade. ** [https://www.thestar.com.my/news/world/2026/05/03/trump-describes-us-blockade-as-very-friendly-does-not-breach-039terminated039-claim-on-iran-hostilities#goog_rewarded "Trump describes US blockade as "very friendly”, does not breach 'terminated' claim on Iran hostilities"] ''The Star'' (May 3, 2026) * Bill Maher is a MORON, though slightly more talented than Jimmy Kimmel. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/trump-tears-into-bill-maher-after-gavin-newsom-interview-11906910 "Trump Tears Into Bill Maher After Gavin Newsom Interview"] ''Newsweek'' (May 3, 2026) : ''Explained to a group of school children:'' * We can't let Iran have a nuclear weapon… You might be too young for this… But you can't let a bunch of lunatics have a nuclear weapon or the world would be in trouble. * We sent that beautiful B-2 bomber in, and we blew up their nuclear potential. * I can tell you, the Middle East would've been gone. Israel would've been gone. They would've trained their sights on Europe first, then us. Because they're sick people. These are sick people, and we're not going to let lunatics have nuclear weapons. It's not going to happen. ** [https://www.ndtvprofit.com/world/bizarre-moment-trump-tells-school-kids-iran-was-two-weeks-away-from-killing-you-watch-video-11455217/amp/1 "Bizarre Moment! Trump Tells School Kids Iran 'Was Two Weeks Away From Killing You'—Watch Video"] ''NDTV Profit'' (May 6, 2026) * It's up to the Pope. He thinks it's just fine for Iran to have a nuclear weapon. ** [https://time.com/article/2026/05/06/pope-leo-nuclear-weapons-trump/ "Pope Leo Rejects Trump’s Nuclear Claims and Tells His Critics To Speak ‘Truthfully’"] ''Time'' (May 6, 2026) * This lunatic, Hakeem ‘Low IQ’ Jeffries, should be charged with INCITING VIOLENCE! The Radical Left Democrats actually want to Destroy our Country. ** [https://www.aol.com/articles/jeffries-trump-call-inciting-violence-201156891.html "Jeffries on Trump call for ‘inciting violence’ charge: ‘Another deranged rant’"] ''AOL'' (May 7, 2026) * Excellent Poll Numbers. Thank You! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-drowns-feed-maga-praise-114613786.html "Trump Drowns Feed With MAGA Praise in Late-Night Truth Social Dump Celebrating Himself"] ''Mediaite/Yahoo News'' (May 11, 2026) * No matter how ‘Fair and Balanced’ the day’s News at Fox may be, the end result is destroyed by professional Liars, Conmen, and Liberal, Crooked Politicians. This is why <b>MAGA Republicans, who are actually close to 100% of the Party, hate Fox,</b> despite the wonderful contributions made by so many of their great anchors and commentators. Hard to win Elections like this! ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-goes-ballistic-fox-news-225559417.html "Trump Goes Ballistic on Fox News Anchor Jacqui Heinrich, Claims MAGA Republicans ‘Hate’ the Channel"] ''Mediaite / Yahoo News'' (May 11, 2026) * I’m serious about beginning a process to make Venezuela the 51st state. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/trump-wants-oil-rich-nation-205314886.html "Trump wants this oil-rich nation as the 51st state. Its leader has a message for him."] ''nj.com'' (May 12, 2026) * The only thing that matters when I’m talking about Iran — they can’t have a nuclear weapon. <b>I don’t think about Americans’ financial situation.</b> I don’t think about anybody. I think about one thing — we cannot let Iran have a nuclear weapon. That’s all. ** [https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/trump-not-thinking-american-finances-iran-talk-rcna344785 "Trump says he’s not thinking about Americans’ finances ‘even a little bit’ in Iran talks"] ''NBC News'' (May 12, 2026) * Dumacrats Lowe Sewage ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/dumacrats-love-sewage-trump-posts-124145023.html "‘Dumacrats Love Sewage’: Trump Posts Image of Obama, Biden, Pelosi Bathing in Feces in New Truth Social Meme Spree"] ''Mediaite / Yahoo News'' (May 12, 2026) * We have a man who is doing a great job, I'll tell you. I knew it! Because he kept me out of jail for years. Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, he kept me out of jail. ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-blanche-jail-quote/ "Trump said acting AG Todd Blanche kept him 'out of jail for years'"] ''Snopes fact check'' (May 13, 2026) * If they want to come in and build the plant and hire you and hire your friends and your neighbors, that’s great. I love that. <b>Let China come in, let Japan come in.</b> They are and they’ll be building plants, but they’re using our labor. ** [https://www.politico.com/news/2026/05/13/trump-xi-summit-chinese-electric-vehicles-00917652 "‘The only thing that terrifies me is BYD’: Politicians quake at Chinese EVs"] ''Politico'' (May 13, 2026) * It's a very insulting thing to tell a country we don't want your people in our schools, ** [https://www.thestandard.com.hk/china/article/332106/ "Bucking base, Trump defends Chinese students in US"] ''The Standard'' (May 15, 2026) * Frankly, I think that it’s good that people come from other countries and they learn our culture, and many of them want to stay here. I think it’s a good thing. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/maga-reeling-trump-welcomes-chinese-204217102.html "MAGA is Reeling as Trump Welcomes Chinese Students to the U.S."] ''The News Republic / Yahoo News'' (May 15, 2026) * I'm right now at 99% in Israel. I could run for prime minister, so maybe after I do this, I'll go to Israel and run for prime minister. I had a poll this morning. I am 99 %, so that's good. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/articles/fact-check-no-reputable-poll-235324733.html "Fact Check: NO Reputable Poll Shows Trump Has 99% Support In Israel -- Polls Show 69% To 79%"] ''Yahoo / Lead Stories'' (May 22, 2026) * I don't care about the midterms. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-midterms-republicans-cabinet-meeting-b2984719.html "Trump sends crushing message to Republicans: ‘I don’t care about the midterms’"] ''Independent'' (May 27, 2026) * Oman will behave just like everybody else or we’ll have to blow them up. They understand that, they’ll be fine. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/may/27/donald-trump-oman-threat-strait-hormuz "Trump threatens to ‘blow up’ US ally Oman amid talks over strait of Hormuz"] ''The Guardian'' (May 28, 2026) ==== June 2026 ==== : ''About the Iranian military:'' * Their military, we’ve sort of left it alone, because we think that their military is somewhat, somewhat moderate ... We’ve actually left their military alone. People would be surprised to hear that. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-military-us-war-irgc-interview-b2986901.html "Trump now says US left Iran’s military ‘alone’ after weeks of boasting that he destroyed its forces"] ''Independent'' (June 2, 2026) * ''About Iran:'' They’ve already agreed they’re not going to have a nuclear weapon. * I inherited very high prices when I came in. I inherited the highest inflation in the history of our country. Biden had like 9%-10% inflation, and I inherited that, and we have it way down. ** Claimed without providing evidence, quoted in [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/white-house/4592621/trump-iran-no-nuclear-new-interview-takeaways/ "Trump says Iran agrees to ‘no nuclear,’ and other takeaways from new interview"] ''Washington Examiner'' (June 3, 2026) * I love the inflation. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c0myzxjkw99o "Trump says he 'loves the inflation' as US prices rise at fastest rate in three years"] ''BBC'' (June 11, 2026) * The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/6/11/trump-says-us-will-be-taking-kharg-island-in-latest-iran-war-threat "Trump says US will ‘be taking’ Kharg Island in latest Iran war threat"] ''Al Jazeera'' (June 11, 2026) * I don’t know if you heard, but we ended the war with Iran today. They have agreed never to have a nuclear weapon, something that we insisted on; that was the whole purpose. That was 95 percent of it. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2026/06/11/world/live-news/iran-war-trump-israel-hnk "We ended the war with Iran today," Trump says] ''CNN'' (June 12, 2026) * Qatar is the closest to Iran, physically. With other countries, I noticed they had to travel about 45 minutes to get there. With you, you could walk right across the border. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/politics/articles/donald-trump-doesn-t-know-162854643.html "Donald Trump Doesn’t Know Anything About Geography"] ''The New Republic / Yahoo News'' (June 16, 2026) * So happy for highly respected Congressman Mike Collins. He will win his Senate Race in Georgia against a pathetic failed Dumocrat Senator, Os(jerk!)off, who is a joke in D.C. Nobody even knows who he is!!! I'll be doing Big TRUMP Rallies for Mike in Georgia! President DJT. ** Social media post, quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/politics/articles/trump-drops-childish-nickname-democratic-161158346.html "Trump Drops Childish New Nickname For Democratic Star"] ''Yahoo News / Huffington Post'' (June 17, 2026) * If it works out, I'm going to take the credit. If it doesn't work out, I'm blaming JD. ** Claimed about a memorandum of understanding about engaging in negotiations about restoring peace after the US attack on Iran, quoted in [https://www.aol.com/news/vance-says-us-got-iran-233148756.html "Trump finally said it out loud: JD Vance is his Iran fall guy"] ''AOL'' (June 17, 2026) {{Disputed begin}} == Disputed == * We have certain things in common, Jeffrey. * Enigmas never age, have you noticed that? * A pal is a wonderful thing. Happy Birthday – and may every day be another wonderful secret. ** Written in a letter to [[Jeffrey Epstein]], according to [https://www.wsj.com/politics/trump-jeffrey-epstein-birthday-letter-we-have-certain-things-in-common-f918d796 "Jeffrey Epstein’s Friends Sent Him Bawdy Letters for a 50th Birthday Album. One Was From Donald Trump."] ''Wall Street Journal'' (Article behind pay wall) (July 17, 2025). Quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2025/jul/17/trump-epstein-grand-jury-testimony-wall-street-journal "Trump requests release of Epstein grand jury transcripts amid report of ‘bawdy’ birthday note"] ''The Guardian'' (July 18, 2025). Disputed by Donald Trump. * These people should be executed. They are scumbags. ** About whistleblowers and journalists. Attributed by [[John Bolton]] in ''{{w|The Room Where It Happened}}'', ''{{w|Simon & Schuster}}'', 2020, [https://books.google.com/books?id=QjTMDwAAQBAJ&pg=PT290 p. 290] {{cite book |isbn=978-1-9821-4805-8}} *Do you still like having sex with your wife? How often? You must have had a better fuck than your wife? Tell me about it. I have girls coming in from [[Los Angeles]] at three o'clock. We can go upstairs and have a great time. I promise. **Reported by Michael Wolff in [http://web.archive.org/web/20180107223847if_/https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DSpgpeyVMAAMcS1.jpg ''Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House''] (5 January 2018) * I hope you can see your way clear to letting this go, to letting Flynn go. He is a good guy. I hope you can let this go. ** Reported as being the words of President Trump recorded in a memo that [[James Comey]], FBI Director at the time, wrote shortly after a meeting held in the Oval Office on 14 February 2017, referring to the federal investigation into links to the Russian government of national security adviser, [[Michael T. Flynn]], who had resigned the day before. In a statement, the White House has denied the version of events in the memo. — [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/16/us/politics/james-comey-trump-flynn-russia-investigation.html New York Times (16 May 2017)] ** Comey confirmed under oath his account of Trump's words while [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/06/08/us/politics/senate-hearing-transcript.html appearing before the Senate Intelligence Committee] (8 June 2017) ** When asked about Comey's testimony during a [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hplM_DYp-Vk press conference on 9 June 2017], Trump said, "I didn't say that. I will tell you I didn't say that. And there'd be nothing wrong if I did say it according to everybody that I've read today, but I did not say that." * Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here? ** Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/368576-trump-rips-protections-for-immigrants-from-shithole-countries-in "Trump criticized immigration from 's---hole' countries: report"] (11 January 2018), by Avery Anapol, ''The Hill''. Variant: "Why do we want all these people from shithole countries coming here?" As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/11/politics/trump-rock-bottom/index.html Trump's 'shithole' comment is his new rock bottom], ''CNN'', 12 January 2018. Trump denied making this comment. *** "The language used by me at the DACA meeting was tough, but this was not the language used." [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951793123985973248 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018) *Why do we want all these people from Africa here? They're shithole countries ... We should have more people from Norway. **[https://www.reuters.com/article/us-usa-trump-immigration-norway/thanks-but-no-thanks-norwegians-reject-trumps-immigration-offer-idUSKBN1F11QK 12 January 2018, per Reuters' source] ** In December 2025 Trump said: "Remember I said that to the senators that came in, the Democrats. They wanted to be bipartisan. So they came in. And they said, ‘This is totally off the record, nothing mentioned here, we want to be honest,’ because our country was going to hell. And we had a meeting. And I say: Why is it we only take people from shithole countries, right? Why can’t we have some people from Norway, Sweden – just a few – let us have a few. From Denmark – do you mind sending us a few people? Send us some nice people, do you mind? But we always take people from Somalia. Places that are a disaster, right? Filthy, dirty, disgusting, ridden with crime. *** [https://edition.cnn.com/2025/12/10/politics/donald-trump-shithole-countries-phrase "Almost eight years later, Trump confirms he used the phrase ‘shithole countries’"] ''CNN'' (December 10, 2025) *Why do we need more Haitians? Take them out. **Reportedly said in a meeting with lawmakers on immigration, as quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-shthole-countries-response-from-haiti-africa-el-salvador/?ftag=CNM-00-10aab8a&linkId=46885064 "'Sh*thole countries' respond to Trump's rhetoric"], ''CBS News''. Trump denied making this comment. ** "Never said anything derogatory about Haitians other than Haiti is, obviously, a very poor and troubled country. Never said "take them out." Made up by Dems. I have a wonderful relationship with Haitians. Probably should record future meetings - unfortunately, no trust!" [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/951813216291708928 Tweet by @realDonaldTrump] (12 January 2018) *[B]lack people are too stupid to vote for me. **As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language "Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private"] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. In a post-2018 midterm press conference, Trump denied making the comment and dismissed Cohen's claims: "That's false" — as quoted in [https://www.yahoo.com/news/president-trump-says-never-used-racist-remarks-195529076.html "President Trump says he has 'never used racist remarks'"] (7 November 2018), by Hunter Walker, ''Yahoo News''. *Name one country run by a black person that's not a shithole... Name one city. **As quoted in [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2018/11/michael-cohen-trump-racist-language "Michael Cohen Says Trump Repeatedly Used Racist Language in Private"] (2 November 2018), by Emily Jane Fox, ''Vanity Fair''. "White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders denied those comments at the time." *Why should I go to that cemetery? It’s filled with losers .. suckers .. Who were the good guys in this war? **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/donald-trump/white-house-decision-cancel-veteran-s-cemetery-france-visit-creates-n934796 Saturday 10 November 2018] two hours before a scheduled 30-minute helicopter ride from Paris to the Aisne-Marne American Cemetery, the visit was cancelled with White House stating a rainy forecast made it too dangerous **[https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2020/09/trump-americans-who-died-at-war-are-losers-and-suckers/615997/ 3 September 2020] TheAtlantic.com writer [[Jeffrey Goldberg]] stated that "four people with firsthand knowledge of the discussion that day" (Goldberg did not provide any names) that "Trump rejected the idea of the visit because he feared his hair would become disheveled in the rain, and because he did not believe it important to honor American war dead", and described the two-sentence quote above as part of "a conversation with senior staff members on the morning of the scheduled visit". ***Goldberg also stated that during the trip (in a separate conversation) that Trump used the term "suckers" to collectively describe the 1800+ marines who died at Belleau Wood, but did not provide any surrounding words (the purported quote was the only word in quotation marks) ***the sentence about "good guys" Goldberg says was stated towards aides (not senior staff members) ****Goldberg did state a number regarding witness count of the other two statements, only for the "losers" one **[https://nationalpost.com/news/world/donald-trump-the-atlantic-john-mccain-loserstrump-denies-account-of-him-disparaging-u-s-war-dead-mccain 4 September 2020] Trump responded to Goldberg's piece "It’s a total lie. It’s fake news". **Trump also [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/1301893907295371266 tweeted that day]: "The Atlantic Magazine is dying, like most magazines, so they make up a fake story in order to gain some relevance. Story already refuted, but this is what we are up against." **press secretary [[Kayleigh McEnany]] also [https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2020/09/04/whs_mcenany_atlantic_report_on_trump_has_been_categorically_debunked_by_witnesses_clearly_fake_news.html on September 4th] stated "The story in the Atlantic has been categorically debunked by eyewitnesses and contemporaneous documents", quoting two service members: ***""I was with the president the morning after the scheduled visit. He was extremely disappointed that arrangements could not be made to get him to the site and that the trip had been cancelled. I have worked with the president for his entire administration .. I have never heard him utter a disparaging remark of any kind about our troops." - Derek Lyons ***"there was a bad weather called in France and that the helicopters were unable to safely make the flight. Overall, the president's support and respect for our American troops past and present is unquestionable" - Dan Walsh **following Goldberg's piece that same day, [[James LaPorta]] wrote [https://apnews.com/article/b823f2c285641a4a09a96a0b195636ed on AP] "A senior Defense Department official with firsthand knowledge of events and a senior U.S. Marine Corps officer who was told about Trump’s comments confirmed some of the remarks to The Associated Press, including the 2018 cemetery comments." {{Disputed end}} {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * I have a really high IQ, Phil. I mean, c'mon. It's impossible for me to not be atheist. ** Attributed by photo meme to an appearance on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989. [http://www.snopes.com/trump-donahue-atheist-1989/ According to Snopes.com], there is no evidence he ever said this, nor that he even appeared on ''The Phil Donahue Show'' in 1989. * This has been the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals, maybe ever. ** Actual quote was "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl2QShtOwbU NAFTA is the worst trade deal maybe ever signed anywhere, but certainly ever signed in this country.]" * If I were to run, I'd run as a Republican. They're the dumbest group of voters in the country. They believe anything on Fox News. I could lie and they'd still eat it up. I bet my numbers would be terrific. ** There is no record of Trump ever saying this; sometimes "''People'' magazine, 1998" is ''incorrectly'' given as the "source" of this quotation — [http://www.snopes.com/1998-trump-people-quote/ snopes.com]; [https://www.truthorfiction.com/donald-trump-said-republicans-are-the-dumbest-group-of-voters/ truthorfiction.com] * The harder I work, the luckier I get. ** Originated with [[Samuel Goldwyn]] as a paraphrase of a proverb from a collection by Coleman Cox, but similar proverbs have existed since the 16th century. [http://quoteinvestigator.com/2012/07/21/luck-hard-work/] * Life is what you do while you're waiting to die. ** [[w:Fred Ebb|Fred Ebb]], ''[[w:Zorba (musical)|Zorba]]'' (1968) * People are dying today that have never died before. ** [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-quote-never-died-before/ According to Snopes.com], there is no record of Trump saying this. * The doctors said they've never seen a body kill the Coronavirus like my body. They tested my DNA and it wasn't DNA. It was USA. ** Reportedly said by Trump after he was hospitalized with [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]], following [[w:White House COVID-19 outbreak|an outbreak of the disease in the White House]]; the quote actually originates from an image featuring a fabricated subtitle overlaid on a video released by the President while he was in [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-coronavirus-kill-body/] * My blood IS the vaccine!!!!! ** Originates from a fabricated screenshot of a tweet allegedly posted on October 5, 2020, the same day Trump was released from [[w:Walter Reed National Military Medical Center|Walter Reed National Military Medical Center]] after his diagnosis of [[w:Coronavirus disease 2019|COVID-19]]. [https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-my-blood-is-the-vaccine/] The fictitious quote likely refers to the donation of the [[w:blood plasma|blood plasma]] of COVID-19 survivors as a treatment method against catching the disease, a treatment of which Trump has been a vocal supporter. Trump has, however, suggested that he would consider donating his own plasma for this purpose. [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/donald-trump-donate-plasma-covid-19-coronavirus/] {{misattributed end}} ==Quotes about Trump== <small> See [[Quotes about Donald Trump]]</small> ==See also== * [[Donald Trump on social media]] * [[Donald Trump Jr.]] * [[Impeachment of Donald Trump]] * [[List of presidents of the United States]] * [[First presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Racial views of Donald Trump]] * [[Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections]] * [[2020 United States presidential election]] == External links== {{Sister project links|w=Donald Trump|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Donald Trump|commons=Donald Trump|n=Donald Trump|v=no|species=no|d=Q22686|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}} * [https://www.donaldjtrump.com/ Official website] * [https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2017/06/23/opinion/trumps-lies.html "Trump's Lies"] by [[w:David Leonhardt|David Leonhardt]] and Stuart A. Thompson - a catalog of "nearly every outright lie he has told publicly" in his first five months in office, in ''{{w|The New York Times}}'' (23 June 2017) {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Trump, Donald}} [[Category:Donald Trump| ]] [[Category:1946 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Businesspeople from New York City]] [[Category:Businesspeople in real estate]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Politicians from Florida]] [[Category:Politicians from New York City]] [[Category:Presbyterians from the United States]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:People charged with crimes]] [[Category:Producers from the United States]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Television producers]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2000]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2016]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2020]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2024]] [[Category:University of Pennsylvania alumni]] dsfdscx6wooep3madm5pyx8s2xjihbu 0 2240 3954134 3954065 2026-06-18T12:42:02Z ~2026-35539-56 3343125 3954134 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} __NOTOC__ '''''{{w|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}''''' (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022–) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 230 movies, 73 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.) <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| border=1 align=center style="text-align:center;" ! bgcolor=#3F3 | [[#Season 0|<span title="Season 0">KTMA</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Green Slime|<span title="The Green Slime">00</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|<span title="Invaders from the Deep">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars|<span title="Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera|<span title="Gamera">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Phase IV|<span title="Phase IV">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Cosmic Princess|<span title="Cosmic Princess">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Humanoid Woman|<span title="Humanoid Woman">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Fugitive Alien|<span title="Fugitive Alien">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#SST: Death Flight|<span title="SST: Death Flight">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Mighty Jack|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Superdome|<span title="Superdome">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#City on Fire|<span title="City on Fire">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Time of the Apes|<span title="Time of the Apes">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Hangar 18|<span title="Hangar 18">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Last Chase|<span title="The Last Chase">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The "Legend of Dinosaurs"|<span title="The "Legend of Dinosaurs"">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#6C9 | [[#Season 1|<span title="Season 1">S1</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Eye|<span title="The Crawling Eye">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|<span title="The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Mad Monster|<span title="The Mad Monster">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Women of the Prehistoric Planet|<span title="Women of the Prehistoric Planet">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Corpse Vanishes|<span title="The Corpse Vanishes">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Hand|<span title="The Crawling Hand">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Monster|<span title="Robot Monster">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Slime People|<span title="The Slime People">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Project Moon Base|<span title="Project Moon Base">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Holocaust|<span title="Robot Holocaust">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Moon Zero Two|<span title="Moon Zero Two">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Untamed Youth|<span title="Untamed Youth">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Black Scorpion|<span title="The Black Scorpion">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 2|<span title="Season 2">S2</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocketship X-M|<span title="Rocketship X-M">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Sidehackers|<span title="The Sidehackers">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Jungle Goddess|<span title="Jungle Goddess">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Catalina Caper|<span title="Catalina Caper">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocket Attack U.S.A.|<span title="Rocket Attack U.S.A.">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Ring of Terror|<span title="Ring of Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Wild Rebels|<span title="Wild Rebels">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Lost Continent|<span title="Lost Continent">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Hellcats|<span title="The Hellcats">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#King Dinosaur|<span title="King Dinosaur">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#First Spaceship on Venus|<span title="First Spaceship on Venus">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. Megalon|<span title="Godzilla vs. Megalon">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster|<span title="Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 3|<span title="Season 3">S3</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Cave Dwellers|<span title="Cave Dwellers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera_2|<span title="Gamera">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Pod People|<span title="Pod People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Stranded in Space|<span title="Stranded in Space">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Time of the Apes_2|<span title="Time of the Apes">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Daddy-O|<span title="Daddy-O">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Amazing Colossal Man|<span title="The Amazing Colossal Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fugitive Alien_2|<span title="Fugitive Alien">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#It Conquered the World|<span title="It Conquered the World">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Earth vs. the Spider|<span title="Earth vs. the Spider">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mighty Jack_2|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenage Caveman|<span title="Teenage Caveman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|<span title="The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II_2|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#War of the Colossal Beast|<span title="War of the Colossal Beast">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Unearthly|<span title="The Unearthly">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|<span title="Santa Claus Conquers the Martians">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja I|<span title="Master Ninja I">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Castle of Fu Manchu|<span title="The Castle of Fu Manchu">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja II|<span title="Master Ninja II">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 4|<span title="Season 4">S4</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Space Travelers|<span title="Space Travelers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Giant Gila Monster|<span title="The Giant Gila Monster">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#City Limits|<span title="City Limits">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenagers from Outer Space|<span title="Teenagers from Outer Space">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Being from Another Planet|<span title="Being from Another Planet">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the Giant Leeches|<span title="Attack of the Giant Leeches">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Killer Shrews|<span title="The Killer Shrews">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Unchained|<span title="Hercules Unchained">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Indestructible Man|<span title="Indestructible Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Against the Moon Men|<span title="Hercules Against the Moon Men">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Sword|<span title="The Magic Sword">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules and the Captive Women|<span title="Hercules and the Captive Women">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manhunt in Space|<span title="Manhunt in Space">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Tormented|<span title="Tormented">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Beatniks|<span title="The Beatniks">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fire Maidens of Outer Space|<span title="Fire Maidens of Outer Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Crash of Moons|<span title="Crash of Moons">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the the Eye Creatures|<span title="Attack of the the Eye Creatures">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Rebel Set|<span title="The Rebel Set">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Human Duplicators|<span title="The Human Duplicators">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Monster a-Go-Go|<span title="Monster a-Go Go">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Day the Earth Froze|<span title="The Day the Earth Froze">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Bride of the Monster|<span title="Bride of the Monster">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manos: The Hands of Fate|<span title="Manos: The Hands of Fate">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 5|<span title="Season 5">S5</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|<span title="Warrior of the Lost World">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules|<span title="Hercules">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|<span title="Swamp Diamonds">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|<span title="Secret Agent Super Dragon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|<span title="The Magic Voyage of Sinbad">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Eegah!|<span title="Eegah!">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|<span title="I Accuse My Parents">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Operation Double 007|<span title="Operation Double 007">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|<span title="The Girl in Lovers Lane">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Painted Hills|<span title="The Painted Hills">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gunslinger|<span title="Gunslinger">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mitchell|<span title="Mitchell">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|<span title="The Brain That Wouldn't Die">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|<span title="Teen-Age Strangler">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|<span title="The Wild Wild World of Batwoman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Alien from L.A.|<span title="Alien from L.A.">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Beginning of the End|<span title="Beginning of the End">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Atomic Brain|<span title="The Atomic Brain">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Outlaw|<span title="Outlaw">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Radar Secret Service|<span title="Radar Secret Service">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Santa Claus|<span title="Santa Claus">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|<span title="Teen-Age Crime Wave">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Village of the Giants|<span title="Village of the Giants">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#12 to the Moon|<span title="12 to the Moon">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#FF9900 | [[#Season 6|<span title="Season 6">S6</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Girls Town|<span title="Girls Town">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Invasion U.S.A.|<span title="Invasion U.S.A.">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Dead Talk Back|<span title="The Dead Talk Back">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Zombie Nightmare|<span title="Zombie Nightmare">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Colossus and the Headhunters|<span title="Colossus and the Headhunters">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Creeping Terror|<span title="The Creeping Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Bloodlust!|<span title="Bloodlust!">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Code Name: Diamond Head|<span title="Code Name: Diamond Head">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Skydivers|<span title="The Skydivers">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Violent Years|<span title="The Violent Years">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Last of the Wild Horses|<span title="Last of the Wild Horses">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Starfighters|<span title="The Starfighters">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sinister Urge|<span title="The Sinister Urge">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#San Francisco International|<span title="San Francisco International">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Kitten with a Whip|<span title="Kitten with a Whip">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Racket Girls|<span title="Racket Girls">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sword and the Dragon|<span title="The Sword and the Dragon">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#High School Big Shot|<span title="High School Big Shot">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Red Zone Cuba|<span title="Red Zone Cuba">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Danger!! Death Ray|<span title="Danger!! Death Ray">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Beast of Yucca Flats|<span title="The Beast of Yucca Flats">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Angels Revenge|<span title="Angels Revenge">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Amazing Transparent Man|<span title="The Amazing Transparent Man">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Samson vs. the Vampire Women|<span title="Samson vs. the Vampire Women">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#F69 | [[#Season 7|<span title="Season 7">S7</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Night of the Blood Beast|<span title="Night of the Blood Beast">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Brute Man|<span title="The Brute Man">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|<span title="Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Incredible Melting Man|<span title="The Incredible Melting Man">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Escape 2000|<span title="Escape 2000">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Laserblast|<span title="Laserblast">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#F69 colspan=11 | [[#Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth)|<span title="Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie">MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=5 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 8|<span title="Season 8">S8</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|<span title="Revenge of the Creature">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Leech Woman|<span title="The Leech Woman">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Mole People|<span title="The Mole People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|<span title="The Deadly Mantis">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|<span title="The Thing That Couldn't Die">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Undead|<span title="The Undead">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|<span title="Terror from the Year 5000">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The She-Creature|<span title="The She-Creature">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|<span title="I Was a Teenage Werewolf">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|<span title="The Giant Spider Invasion">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#parts: the clonus horror|<span title="parts: the clonus horror">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|<span title="The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Jack Frost|<span title="Jack Frost">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Riding with Death|<span title="Riding with Death">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|<span title="Agent for H.A.R.M.">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Prince of Space|<span title="Prince of Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Horror of Party Beach|<span title="The Horror of Party Beach">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Doll|<span title="Devil Doll">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|<span title="Invasion of the Neptune Men">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Space Mutiny|<span title="Space Mutiny">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Time Chasers|<span title="Time Chasers">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|<span title="Overdrawn at the Memory Bank">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 9|<span title="Season 9">S9</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Projected Man|<span title="The Projected Man">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Phantom Planet|<span title="The Phantom Planet">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Pumaman|<span title="The Pumaman">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Werewolf|<span title="Werewolf">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Bees|<span title="The Deadly Bees">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Space Children|<span title="The Space Children">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hobgoblins|<span title="Hobgoblins">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Touch of Satan|<span title="The Touch of Satan">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Gorgo|<span title="Gorgo">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Final Sacrifice|<span title="The Final Sacrifice">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Fish|<span title="Devil Fish">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Screaming Skull|<span title="The Screaming Skull">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Quest of the Delta Knights|<span title="Quest of the Delta Knights">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 10|<span title="Season 10">S10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Soultaker|<span title="Soultaker">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|<span title="Girl in Gold Boots">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|<span title="Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Future War|<span title="Future War">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|<span title="Blood Waters of Dr. Z">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...|<span title="Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|<span title="Track of the Moon Beast">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Final Justice|<span title="Final Justice">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hamlet|<span title="Hamlet">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#It Lives by Night|<span title="It Lives by Night">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|<span title="Horrors of Spider Island">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Squirm|<span title="Squirm">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Diabolik|<span title="Diabolik">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 11: The Return|<span title="Season 11">S11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Reptilicus|<span title="Reptilicus">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Cry Wilderness|<span title="Cry Wilderness">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Time Travelers|<span title="The Time Travelers">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Avalanche|<span title="Avalanche">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Beast of Hollow Mountain|<span title="The Beast of Hollow Mountain">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Starcrash|<span title="Starcrash">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Land That Time Forgot|<span title="The Land That Time Forgot">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Loves of Hercules|<span title="The Loves of Hercules">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Yongary: Monster from the Deep|<span title="Yongary: Monster from the Deep">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Carnival Magic|<span title="Carnival Magic">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|<span title="The Christmas That Almost Wasn't">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#At the Earth's Core|<span title="At the Earth's Core">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=10 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 12: The Gauntlet|<span title="Season 12: The Return">S12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Mac and Me|<span title="Mac and Me">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Atlantic Rim|<span title="Atlantic Rim">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Lords of the Deep|<span title="Lords of the Deep">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Day Time Ended|<span title="The Day Time Ended">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Killer Fish|<span title="Killer Fish">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Ator, the Fighting Eagle|<span title="Ator, the Fighting Eagle">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=18 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 13: The Gizmoplex|<span title="Season 13: The Gizmoplex">S13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Santo in the Treasure of Dracula|<span title="Santo in the Treasure of Dracula">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Robot Wars|<span title="Robot Wars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Beyond Atlantis|<span title="Beyond Atlantis">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Munchie|<span title="Munchie">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Doctor Mordrid|<span title="Doctor Mordrid">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Demon Squad|<span title="Demon Squad">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Gamera vs. Jiger|<span title="#Gamera vs. Jiger">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Batwoman|<span title="The Batwoman">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come|<span title="HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Mask 3D|<span title="The Mask 3D">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Bubble|<span title="The Bubble">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas Dragon|<span title="The Christmas Dragon">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|<span title="Alphabet Antics (short)">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|<span title="Appreciating Our Parents (short)">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|<span title="Aquatic Wizards (short)">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|<span title="Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|<span title="Assignment: Venezuela (short)">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|<span title="Body Care and Grooming (short)">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|<span title="A Case of Spring Fever (short)">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|<span title="Catching Trouble (short)">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|<span title="Century 21 Calling (short)">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Cheating (short)|<span title="Cheating (short)">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|<span title="The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|<span title="Circus on Ice (short)">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|<span title="A Date with Your Family (short)">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|<span title="A Day at the Fair (short)">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|<span title="The Days of Our Years (short)">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|<span title="Design for Dreaming (short)">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|<span title="Here Comes the Circus (short)">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 1 (short)">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 2 (short)">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|<span title="The Home Economics Story (short)">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|<span title="Is This Love? (short)">24</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|<span title="Johnny at the Fair (short)">25</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|<span title="Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)">26</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|<span title="Keeping Clean and Neat (short)">27</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|<span title="Last Clear Chance (short)">28</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Money Talks (short)|<span title="Money Talks (short)">29</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|<span title="Mr. B Natural (short)">30</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|<span title="Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)">31</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Out of This World (short)|<span title="Out of This World (short)">32</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)">33</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)">34</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)">35</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|<span title="Posture Pals (short)">36</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|<span title="Progress Island USA (short)">37</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)">38</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)">39</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)">40</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)">41</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)">42</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)">43</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)">44</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)">45</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)">46</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|<span title="Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)">47</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|<span title="The Selling Wizard (short)">48</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|<span title="Snow Thrills (short)">49</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|<span title="Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)">50</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|<span title="Speech: Using Your Voice (short)">51</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|<span title="The Truck Farmer (short)">52</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|<span title="Uncle Jim&apos;s Dairy Farm (short)">53</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)">54</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)">55</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|<span title="What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)">56</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|<span title="What to Do on a Date (short)">57</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|<span title="Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)">58</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|<span title="X Marks the Spot (short)">59</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|<span title="A Young Man&apos;s Fancy (short)">60</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#9C6 | [[#Specials|<span title="Specials">Spec</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|<span title="Notes">Notes</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|<span title="Major cast">Major cast</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|<span title="See also">See also</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|<span title="External links">External links</span>]] |} <!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> == Notes == * '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.) * '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations). * '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.'' * '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'': {| border=1 align=center ! align=left bgcolor=#3F3 | KTMA: Season 0 | bgcolor=#5F5 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#6C9 | Comedy Central: Season 1 | bgcolor=#8EB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 | bgcolor=#DDF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 | bgcolor=#FB2 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Comedy Central: Season 7 | bgcolor=#F8B | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie'' | bgcolor=#F69 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#C9F | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 | bgcolor=#EBF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons) | bgcolor=#EF5 | (various casts & channels) |- ! align=left bgcolor=#9C6 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) | bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots |} <!-- END COLOR SCHEME TABLE --> <br clear="all"/> == KTMA (Season 0) == === [[w:The Green Slime|The Green Slime]] === :'''Man''': That's an asteroid! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]{{hnote|The promotional riff of the series.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Take us into the number two position, will you? :'''Joel''': ''[getting up to leave]'' Speaking of the number two position... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey, Crow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson? :'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. :'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? :'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]]. :''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]'' === [[w:Stingray (1964 series)|Invaders from the Deep]] === :'''Captain Troy Tempest''': No visible sign of trouble. :'''Joel''': Not yet. :'''Tempest''': Down SVC. Standby to surface. :'''Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan''': Standing by. :'''Tempest''': Right. Blow 1. :'''Phones''': Blow 1. :'''Joel [as Tempest]''': Pull my finger. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave]'' :'''Joel''': They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]'' :'''Joel''': Are they sweating or is that sap? :... :'''Crow''': Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]'' :'''Joel''': Oh he's pacing, right? :'''Crow''': His boots weren't made for walking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray comes upon a deep extinct volcano]'' :'''Crow''': They're lucky to find an extinct volcano. I didn't even know they were endangered. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray settles on the fairly well lit seabed of the underwater volcano]'' :'''Crow''': That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea. :'''Joel''': I was just gonna say that. === [[w:Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons|Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars]] === :''[after Breck is shot and falls from his position]'' :'''Joel''': You know that puppet does his own stunts. :'''Crow''': Does he really? :'''Servo''': I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV. <hr width=50%/> :''[SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7]'' :'''Lunar Controller''': They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once. :'''Orson''': Yes, sir. :'''Lunar Controller''': What they have seen must ''never'' get back to Earth. Bring them here. :'''Captain Scarlet''': ''[entering the room]'' There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Arrest ''me?'' You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth. :'''Captain Scarlet''': We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed. :'''Lunar Controller''': No. You will never leave the moon alive. ''Any'' of you. :'''Captain Scarlet''': SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Don't waste your breath. :'''SID''': A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three. :'''Lunar Controller''': No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits! :'''Captain Scarlet''': Come on. :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal]'' Get it? Seal? ... never mind. :'''Lunar Controller''': SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them! :''[Captain Blue knocks out Orson]'' :'''Captain Blue''': Let's go! :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[standing in front of SID]'' I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay, I get it... :'''Captain Scarlet''': It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you. :'''Servo''': I figured you would. :'''Captain Scarlet''': I changed recognition disks with you last night. :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[getting desperate]'' SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''SID''': I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that. :'''Lunar Controller''': Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that. :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[pointing a gun at SID]'' This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk- ''[Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically]'' '''I... AM... ''SORRY...''''' :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base]'' Obey! OBEY!!! :'''Joel''': Alright already! :'''Crow''': You know, there was an ''off'' switch, dumb-o. :''[SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7]'' :'''SID''': '''''I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...''''' :'''Joel''': I'm sorry you two had to see that. :'''Crow''': It wasn't pretty. :'''Servo''': I'm all choked up. === [[w: Star Wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :'''Ken''': Captain Joe, you don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole. If you chart your course carefully, you can go through a tunnel out to a white hole in safety. It's a tricky maneuver. :'''Dan''': Where did you hear that? :'''Ken''': Where did I hear it? I'm afraid I don't remember. I guess it was at one of those scientific briefings I attended. :'''Servo''': I don't think they should try it, they can't even get their lips to move with the words. <hr width=50%/> :''[During an effects sequence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': ''[attempting a takeover of Bacchus III]'' Black hole ahead! If we get any closer, it'll swallow us! I ordered you to change course to starboard! Ken! Starboard course! :'''Servo''': I would do my black hole jokes, but they all suck. ''[Crow and Joel groan]'' <hr width=50%/> : ''[as a desert tornado begins to blow the sand off of Bacchus III, freeing the ship]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz|It's a twister!]] :'''Crow''': Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto! :'''Servo''': Toto too? :... :''[music plays as the sand is blown away]'' :'''Crow''': It's not the wind, it's a men's choir. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the crew of Bacchus III has successfully destroyed the Saysar weapon]'' :'''Captain Joe''': I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Thank you for shooting me with a dart. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ken''': ''[seeing his "mother" running away]'' There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away? :'''Crow''': Could be your breath. :'''Joel''': Maybe you're ''mistaken''? :'''Servo''': Maybe it's a trap. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ken prepares to leave Bacchus III, and is bidding the crew farewell]'' :'''Ken''': Dan... :'''Dan''': We've been through a lot together. :'''Ken''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Except for a good movie. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages. :'''Servo''': Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages! :'''Joel''': Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two? :'''Caller 1''': I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway. :'''Servo''': What a complete wing-nut! :'''Joel''': Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great. :'''Crow''': Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic. :'''Servo''': Could I say something to our ''friendly caller'', Joel? :'''Joel''': Of course, Servo. :'''Servo''': Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble? :'''Joel''': Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one. :'''Caller 2''': ''[excitedly]'' Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!! :'''Crow''': Oh, he must mean [[w:Dave Moore (newscaster)|Dave Moore]]. :'''Servo''': No, he's on [[W:WCCO-TV|TV 4]]. :'''Crow''': No, that's ''Moore On 4''. :'''Servo''': No, that's a black gospel singing group. :'''Crow''': No, that's Moore By Four. :'''Servo''': Isn't that an off road truck? :'''Crow''': No, that's a 4x4. :'''Servo''': No you're thinking of a 2x4. :'''Crow''': No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy." :'''Servo''': No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out. :'''Crow''': No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant! <hr width=50%/> :'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— ''[a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence]'' —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! :'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]'' :'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. :''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]'' :'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]'' :'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? :'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]'' :'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]'' :'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, grow a brain already! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]'' :'''Joel''': The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === :''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! :'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[after Gyaos's leg is cut off by his own beam attack]'' :'''Servo''': He doesn't have a leg to stand on. :'''Crow''': That's a lame joke. :'''Servo''': They can call him Ilene now. :'''Joel''': He's hopping mad. :'''Crow''': Went out on a limb for that one. :'''Tom''': Looks like it's trying to run away. :'''Akio''': I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind. :'''Servo''': Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. === [[w:Phase IV (1974 film)|Phase IV]] === :'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— :'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no... :'''Crow''': Never mind. :'''Joel''': You don't mean that... :'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]]. :'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''. :'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]'' :'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? :'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the end credits roll.]'' :'''Crow''': I thought it was deep... :'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo? :'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic. :'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots. :'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good. === [[w:Space 1999|Cosmic Princess]] === :''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster. :'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. :'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]'' :'''Tony''': 1... 2... :'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3... :'''Tony''': 5... :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?! :'''Tony''': 6... :'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble. :'''Tony''': 7... 4. :'''Crow''': Well, they are British. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the credits.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once. === [[w:Per Aspera Ad Astra (1981 film)|Humanoid Woman]] === :'''Joel''': The plot thickens. :'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. === [[w:SST: Death Flight|SST: Death Flight]] === :''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]'' :'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello! :''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Passengers are boarding.]'' :'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]'' :'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane. :'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black… :'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]'' :'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''! :'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking. :'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right! === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]'' :'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? === [[w:Superdome (film)|Superdome]] === :''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]'' :'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. :'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won? :'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same. :'''Joel''': This movie's history. :'''Crow''': We're history. :'''Joel''': Let's go. :''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]'' :'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!'' === [[w:City on Fire (1979 film)|City on Fire]] === : '''Dr. Erhardt''': We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! : '''Dr. Forrester''': I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– :''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman. :'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada. :'''Servo''': ''Oui.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]'' :'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"? :'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]'' :'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman is going into labor.]'' :'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt! :'''Joel''': Boil some water. :'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame. :'''Servo''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it. === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]'' :'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Still shot of two gorillas]'' :'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]]. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]'' :'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. :'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. :. . . :'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! :'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! === [[w:Hangar 18 (film)|Hangar 18]] === === [[w:The Last Chase|The Last Chase]] === :''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!''''' === [[w:Legend of Dinosaurs & Monster Birds|The "Legend of Dinosaurs"]] === :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question... :'''Servo''': Why am I watching this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]'' :'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. == Season 1 == === [[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]] === :'''Servo''': ''[first riff; displaying a mountainside]'' This must be a [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Picture]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]'' :'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''! :'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]'' :'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death. <hr width="50%"> :''[A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]'' :'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anne''': ''[after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything]'' I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid. :'''Joel''': How about a wheelchair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': It's fine. It was just the baseball scores. :'''Joel''': It's just a prop, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alan Brooks''': ''[he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain]'' Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents. :'''Prof. Crevett''': That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is? :'''Servo''': ''[as Brooks]'' They're not good search parties? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the titular eye'' '''''finally''''' ''appears as a young girl rushes back into the hotel on the mountain to retrieve her toy ball]'' :'''Joel''': It thinks that ball is one of its pupils. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Is there a sequel to this movie? :'''Crow''': Yeah; [[w:The_Eiger_Sanction_(film)|The Eye-ger Sanction]]! :'''Servo''': Starring [[w:Burl Ives|Burl Eye-ves]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...]'' :'''Joel''': I spy with my little eye... :'''Servo''': You hypocrite! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air. :'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I got an itch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[entering Deep 13; first lines]'' Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did you wear your disguise? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I was, but I just don't look that good in heels. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No-one must know we're down here doing this! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[meekly]'' I'm sorry. === [[w:The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy]] === :''[Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[to Forrester]'' Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center ''again''. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I only did that once! ''[Erhardt sternly clears his throat]'' OK, twice. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': It was three times! :'''Dr. Forrester''': The ''third'' time I used the ''incendiaries'', and it didn't make the building blow ''up'', it just made it burn. Really... quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player]'' Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. ''[shows record]'' Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... ''[scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound]'' Now open it. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll stay. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Close it. ''[shrill scratching sound continues]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll leave. :'''Dr. Forrester''': And so on and so forth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love]'' Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs''': ''[as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs]'' First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink [[Star Trek: The Original Series|Tranya]]. :'''Crow''': ''[snarkily]'' From a dish off the floor, boy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, they're gone! :'''Servo''': Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"? :'''Joel''': D'oh! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, the moon looks just like [[w:Arizona|Arizona]], you guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]'' :'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year. :'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. :'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth? :'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier! ==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ==== :''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]'' :'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]]. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee. :'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests. :''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]]. <hr width=50%> :''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it? :'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]'' :: I've reached the end of my life :: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy]'' [[The Elephant Man (film)|I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, look; [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]! :'''Servo''': Who's buried in Peter's grave? :'''Joel''': [[w:James Arness|James Arness]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[of Popoca]'' You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces! :'''Joel''': Bruno, stop letting hate run your life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]'' :'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! :'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Krupp''': ''[continues to boast about his "human robot"]'' With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me! :'''Servo''': Wait, a ''human'' robot? There's a flaw right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease]'' I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'." === [[w:The Mad Monster|The Mad Monster]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]'' :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Cody is fighting off a henchman]'' Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody beats up Retik]'' That's for [[w:Bryant Gumbel|Bryant Gumbel]]; that's for [[w:Gene Shalit|Gene Shalit]]; and '''that's''' for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! :'''Crow''': Those are all [[w:Bob Mackie|Bob Mackie]] creations, aren't they? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening]'' Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em. :'''Servo''': Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like '''Moon Cars''', perhaps? ==== The Mad Monster (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cameron is ranting out loud to himself after Petro's transformation]'' :'''Cameron''': Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now! :'''Servo''': ''[as Cameron]'' Now Bingo is his name-oh! :'''Crow''': ''[of wolf-man Petro]'' Now he's his own best friend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Cameron hallucinates his old academic colleagues berating his werewolf experiments]'' :'''Professor''': There are institutions for madmen- :'''Servo''': ''[as Professor]'' Like the Pentagon! :'''Professor''': -And we'll see to it you're confined in one! :'''Servo''': ''[as the visions vanish]'' You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him. :'''Cameron''': We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see... :'''Joel''': Next comes the '''''[[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Present]]'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! :'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]'' :'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law]'' She's stoned; [[w:Whistler's Mother|Whistler's Mother]] is stoned. :'''Servo''': At least [[w:Popeye|Popeye]] got [[w:Gender-affirming surgery|that operation]] he always wanted. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]'' :''Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed'' :''A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed'' :''Then one day, he was shooting at some food...'' :'''Joel''': ''[joining in]'' ''...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.'' :'''Servo''': ''Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.'' :''[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]'' :'''Servo''': ''The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.'' :''The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!"'' :''Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be,"'' :''So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...'' :'''Joel''': Good one, Crow. :'''Servo''': [I'm] Servo. :'''Crow''': Ah, over here. :'''Joel''': Right, sorry; good one, Servo. ''[turns towards Crow]'' You too, Crow. :'''Servo''': ''[unenthused]'' Gee, thanks, Ed! :'''Crow''': I didn't do anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro as a wolfman flees back into the swamp after killing the farmer's young daughter]'' :'''Crow''': I've seen better dog acts on the old [[w:The Ed Sullivan Show|Sullivan show]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Cameron''': ''[to Prof. Fitzgerald]'' I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Cameron]'' ...And their hair. :'''Dr. Cameron''': Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence! :'''Joel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[towards Dr. Cameron]'' I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan! :'''Servo''': ''[as Fitzgerald]'' Or you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lenore''': ''[confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house]'' There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid! :'''Servo''': ''[as Lenore]'' It makes me want to sing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer''': ''[towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine]'' This should make a gory enough story for your paper. :'''Tom''': It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend. :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald]'' :'''Lenore''': Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think- :'''Tom''': I don't know what to think! :'''Servo''': ''[as Tom]'' [[Airplane!|And stop calling me Shirley!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Petro''': ''[snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron]'' I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever. :'''Dr. Cameron''': That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it. :'''Servo''': I had a Marsh Rash once. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison]'' Hey, are you thinking what '''I'm''' thinking? :'''Servo''': You like long walks in the rain? :'''Crow''': Chinese food? :'''Servo''': Mushing up your ice cream? :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[in unison]'' Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- ''[Joel shuts them both off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in bemusement]'' My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped. :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro decides to turn against Cameron in the climax]'' :'''Cameron''': ''[in terror]'' Petro; stay back! :'''Servo''': ''[as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron]'' I'll show you how the choke chain feels! :'''Joel''': And it '''don't''' feel good. === [[w:Women of the Prehistoric Planet|Women of the Prehistoric Planet]] === :''[Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something... :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil! :'''Dr. Forrester''' and '''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[cheerfully]'' Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]'' :'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba! Hup! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, I could watch that all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]], and [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': SHUT UP!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute]'' :'''Crow''': Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la [[w:Gheorghe Zamfir|Zamfir]]. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as Tang]'' [[w:Sheldon Leonard|Get me; I'm the master]] [[It's a Wonderful Life|of the pan-flute!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is attempting to disarm an [[Isaac Asimov]] doomsday device]'' :'''Crow''': You're playing dice with the universe here, Joel. I hope you realize that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns]'' :'''Joel''': This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! . . . :'''Crow''': D'you think it's a conspiracy? :'''Servo''': ''[speaking like Asimov]'' No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider]'' My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linda''': ''[in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang]'' I hate you; I hate '''all''' of you! :'''Joel''': Jeez, ''don't'' say hi then! <hr width="50%"/> :''[footage of the planet's volcano erupting plays]'' :'''Servo''': More stock footage; hit the deck! :'''Crow''': Look out, the styrofoam is on fire! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral David King''': Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. ''[Servo begins grumbling]'' ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... ''[Joel begins grumbling]'' ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth. :'''Joel''': ''Earth?!'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, who made you God? :'''Servo''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go. :'''Joel''': That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot! :'''Crow''': Was she? You got a picture? === [[w:The Corpse Vanishes|The Corpse Vanishes]] === :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange]'' Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[impressed]'' Not bad; not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo are mulling over the latest issue of'' '''''[[w:Tiger Beat|Tiger Bot]]''''' ''magazine]'' :'''Crow''': Who's the Dream Date this week? :'''Servo''': Let's see... it says- [[w:Buck Rogers|Twiki]]. :'''Crow''': Twiki?! What a coaster; he hasn't worked since '''''Buck Rogers'''''! :'''Servo''': I know; what a putz! ''[mockingly]'' Bidi-bidi-bidi; wanna dance, Buck? :'''Crow''': That guy couldn't interface without a lode-pan adapter. Such a shrimpy little bot anyway; with those ineffectual arms, and that stupid bubble head, and... :'''Servo''': ''[offended]'' Real funny, Crow. :'''Crow''': ''[in realization]'' Whoops! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays]'' Why does the Earth have a shadow? :'''Servo''': Why are there clouds in space? :'''Crow''': '''Why''' are we watching this? :'''Servo''': Daddy, what's Vietnam? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Retik''': ''[demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists]'' Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?! :'''Krog''': I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency. :'''Crow''': ''[as Krog]'' All the hardware stores are closed! ==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ==== :''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! :''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]]. : . . . :''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]'' :'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram. : . . . :''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one character is shown wandering around in a fancy outfit]'' :'''Crow''': Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that? :'''Joel''': Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Foster and Patricia Hunter introduce themselves to each other on the ride over to Lorenz's castle]'' :'''Dr. Foster''': My name is Dr. Foster. :'''Patricia''': I'm Patricia Hunter. :'''Joel''': I'm Joel. :'''Servo''': I'm Servo. :'''Crow''': I'm Crow! ... :'''Patricia''': I'm a news reporter. :'''Servo''': '''I'm''' a robot. :'''Joel''': I'm a human being. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting... :''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Lorenz angrily slaps Patricia in the face for her arriving for an interview]'' :'''Patricia''': ''[to Dr. Foster]'' So that's what you call [them being] eccentric. I have another name for it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Patricia]'' I call it ''bitchy''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Foster''': ''[as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz]'' The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair... :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Foster]'' The cut of our jib. :'''Joel''': Learning is fun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the RAM chip segment]'' :'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''! :'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing? :'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip! === [[w:The Crawling Hand|The Crawling Hand]] === :''[Stranded and virus-infected astronaut Lockhart begs for NASA scientists to push his capsule's remote self-destruct button]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Lockhart/[[David Bowie]]]'' [[w:Space Oddity (song)|This is Major Tom to Ground Control]]... ... :'''Crow''': Push that (button), and he's an astro-not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]'' :'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed. :'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]'' :'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed. : . . . :''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]'' :'''Owner''': No rats. :'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu. :... :''[even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Owner]'' No strangling, not allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo tell Joel off in that he always wins every game he makes the Bots play- due to their non-functioning arms- and leave him alone]'' :'''Joel''': ''[addressing Cambot]'' Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: next time I make a robot, no more free will. That's it; and now we've got commercial sign. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]'' :'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? :'''Paul''': "Stacked"? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hey, why's she wearing a swimsuit with a codpiece? :'''Servo''': Oh, just for the ''halibut.'' Heh, sorry. :'''Crow''': Stop it, you're giving me a haddock. :'''Servo''': Oh, you're a pain in the bass. :'''Crow''': You have no sole. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Sheriff Townsend/[[Gilligan's Island|Skipper]] to Paul]'' Where's the little body, little buddy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Townsend''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? :'''Crow [as Sheriff]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course! <hr width="50%"/> :''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]'' :'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. :'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter. === [[w:Robot Monster|Robot Monster]] === :'''Dr Ernhardt''': ''[of Robot Monster]'' To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars '''no-one'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo]'' Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)? :'''Servo''': Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan. :'''Crow''': But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live! :'''Servo''': But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick. :'''Crow''': Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, '''he''' is Hu-Man; '''''YOU''''' are Ro-Man! ... :''[a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots]'' :'''Joel''': Hey Crow, Servo. What's up? :'''Servo''': Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, [[James Bond|Mr. Bond]]; I must kill you now- ''[Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense]'' Whoa! :'''Crow''': Joel; what happened? :'''Joel''': (It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me! :'''Crow''': No, we were just doing a little role-playing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character]'' :'''Crow''': [[Declaration of Independence|We believe these truths to be evident]]- and obvious. :'''Servo''': Please give to the United Robot College Fund! :'''Joel''': Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? ''[addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt]'' What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of [[w:Jules Bergman|Jules Bergman]] was that?! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped. ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 4 (short) ==== :''[Servo sneezes violently]'' :'''Joel''': Bless you! :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that... :'''Servo''': That stirred up my RAMS real bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber shoots at Cody with one hand while driving away from him with the other]'' :'''Joel''': Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous! :'''Crow''': Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[being dragged back to his seat by Joel]'' This is Buddhist! You invented us '''to suffer'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of Servo and Crow griping]'' I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Moon Men henchmen are being pursued by Cody and the cops]'' :'''Crow''': You're watching the "All Car-Chase Network"! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as the henchmen resume driving after ditching their getaway car for an ambulence]'' We now return you to the All Car-Chase Network; already in progress. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]'' :'''Joel''': Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. ==== Robot Monster (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[of Ro-Man as he first appears]'' This is what comes of teaching apes sign-language. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]'' :'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! :'''Servo''': ''[in a dopey tone of voice]'' Okay! :'''Ro-Man''': Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ro-Man]'' We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. :'''Ro-Man''': Now I know you are watching! I can see five of you who have not been destroyed. Show yourselves and I promise a painless death! :'''Crow''': ''[as the Professor]'' Ah, we're looking at a few other options first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays]'' It's a V-2 rocket! :'''Crow''': [[w:V8 (beverage)|Could've had a V-8]]! ''[Joel slaps Crow upside the head]'' Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke! :'''Servo''': I thought it was hilarious! ''[Joel slaps Servo on the dome]'' <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]'' : '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. : '''Crow''': He's so negative! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alice and Roy cavort in an open field]'' :'''Joel''': Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]'' :'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does. :'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]'' :'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]'' :'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man? :'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! :'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? :'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home]'' It's the Berlin Wall! :'''Joel''': Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device]'' [[w:Hare Trigger|Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg]]... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Guidance, in annoyance]'' I hired an idiot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the end of the film, Joel? :'''Joel''': Uh, I don't think it is. :'''Servo''': You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Joel''': Huh? What? :''[after the third time they repeat themselves]'' :'''Joel''': We've gotta get out of here. :'''Servo''': This is pathetic! ''[pause]'' You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Crow''': Stop it! === [[w:The Slime People|The Slime People]] === :'''Crow''': ''[in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up]'' Here's a little morning poem- : ''Birdie with the yellow bill'' : ''hopped upon my windowsill;'' : ''cocked his shining eye and said'' : ''"What's for breakfast, Grandma?".'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy]'' We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! ''[to Dr. Forrester]'' May I? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Enjoy! :'''Cotton Candy''': ''[as Ernhardt bites down]'' Ow! That's my head! Owwww! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, what do you think of that? :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all]'' The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public. :'''Servo''': Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist! :'''Joel''': I guess you're right. ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 6 (short) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain. :'''Crow''': ''[as Joan, making a phone call]'' Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors]'' :'''Crow''': Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting. :'''Servo''': ''[acting as Cody's lawyer]'' We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial! ==== The Slime People (movie) ==== :''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal Johnson''': ''[after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss]'' Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People. :'''Crow''': ''[continuing as Cal]'' Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]'' :'''Gregory''': ''[towards Tolliver]'' Noone's home! Genius waits for no one! :'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. : . . . :''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]'' :'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it! :'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]! : . . . :''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]'' :'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]'' :'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Slime People begin disintegrating once their force field has been destroyed]'' :'''Joel, Crow and Servo''': ''[as the Slime People]'' [[Richard III (play)|A horse, a horse; my kingdom for a- AAAGH!]] === [[w:Project Moonbase|Project Moonbase]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 7 (short) ==== :'''Joel''': ''[while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Oh, great. [[James Bond|Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody]]? ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ==== :''[the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're watching ''Commando Cody''; a not-so-new character from [[w:Republic Pictures|Republic]]. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing... . . . :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up... . . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- '''The Enemy Planet'''. ''[nervously laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen]'' By this time, my lungs were aching for air! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[role-playing as Krog on the bridge]'' Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a [[w:Piper J-3 Cub|Piper Cub]], and crash into [[w:Mount Vesuvius|Mt. Vesuvius]]! ... :'''Servo''': ''[roleplaying as Commando Cody]'' Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could- :'''Crow''': Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up. :'''Servo''': [[The Wizard of Oz|Pay no attention to the man holding me up]]. ==== Project Moonbase (movie) ==== :''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM]'' Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute. :'''Crow''': [[w:We Built This City|We built this city on Spacom]]! :'''Servo''': Instead of rock and roll? :'''Crow''': Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[of the brattily catty Colonel Briteis butting heads with amateur Commander Moore]'' :'''Servo''': Someone get that lady a saucer of milk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[Commander Moore and the imposter Dr. Wernher fight]'' Hands Down; the slap-happiest game of all! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects]'' Art design by [[w: M.C. Escher|M.C. Escher]]! === [[w:Robot Holocaust|Robot Holocaust]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 9 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[Cody's spaceship prepares to take off]'' [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]] pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust! ==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[reading the actor credits]'' Andrew Howarth? :'''Crow''': Fine; ''howarth'' you? :'''Servo''': Classic! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]'' :'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? :'''Torque''': Yes! :'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand. :'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]? :'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now. :'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]'' :'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground— :'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]'' :'''Valeria''': Dawk One, please... :'''The Dark One''': Torque, take her away from my sight! :'''Valeria''': No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you! :'''Joel''': Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A severed head rolls past]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare! :'''Crow''': Gutter head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Neo's robot sidekick, beating up one of the Dark One's henchmen with a metal pipe]'' That one's for [[w:R2-D2|Artoo-Detoo]], that one's for [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]]; that was for [[w:Julie Newmar|Julie Newmar]], and '''that''' one's just cuz I wanna! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Deeja; after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One]'' Dad, you're a tulip bulb! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Jorn to Deeja]'' Honey, remember my torso? Well, it's chip dip now! === [[w:Moon Zero Two|Moon Zero Two]] === :''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color! :'''Joel''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. :'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons? :'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them. :'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as one of the cartoon astronauts beats up the other in sync to the music]'' Whoa, they're beating the titles out of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]'' :'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. :'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City. :'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]'' :'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]! : . . . :''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]'' :'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? :'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a scuffle starts to break out in a nightclub as Kemp turns off the facility's gravity as a diversion for him and Clementine to escape]'' :'''Capt. Kemp''': If we're gonna play, we play by '''''my''''' rules! :'''Crow''': Yeah; but nobody knows what '''your''' rules '''''are'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!'' === [[w:Untamed Youth|Untamed Youth]] === :''[a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as a police officer]'' After him! He's hiding behind those credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]'' :'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage? :'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]'' :'''Joel''': What is it? :'''Servo''': It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]'' :'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"]'' That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''. :'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[exposing Russ]'' And that healthy food, that ''I'm'' paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew. :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, no. :'''Crow [as Cecilia]''': Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement. :'''Bob Steele''': ... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you? :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't! :'''Bob Steele''': He knows every move that's made. :'''Cecelia Steele Tropp''': Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious. :'''Servo [as Bob]''': When did you start calling him Russ? :'''Bob Steele''': Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop! :'''Joel [as Cecilia]''': It's not slop, it's ''Science Diet'' and it's very expensive, young man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]'' :'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! :'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? :'''Servo''': I don't wanna know. === [[w:The Black Scorpion (film)|The Black Scorpion]] === :''[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]'' :'''Joel''': What happened to you? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion [[w:Walkman|Walkman]] and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened. ... :''[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Are you alright, Clay? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat]'' Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science. ... :''[much later after Joel reads audience letters]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I think the swelling is going down. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes; and '''I''' think you should file '''''this'''''. ''[hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more]'' Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]'' :'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! : . . . :'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]'' :'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. :'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. :''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]'' :'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Bob Barker]'' What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop! :'''Servo''': ''[as Game Show Announcer]'' Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia! :'''Joel''': ''[adding a "prize disclaimer"]'' From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]'' :'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting! :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! :'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos]'' [[w:Crazy Eddie|It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]'' :'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— :'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast. :'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. :'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]'' :'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train… :'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains. :''[The passengers flee the train.]'' :'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens. == Season 2 == === [[w:Rocketship X-M|Rocketship X-M]] === :'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now? :'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster? :'''Joel''': Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester? :'''TV's Frank''': I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense! :'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away! :'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! :''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]'' :'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! :'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! :'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''? :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it! === [[w:The Sidehackers|The Sidehackers]] === :''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]'' :'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]'' : '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you? : '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother! :'''Crow''': Not a good brother... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. {{hnote|This is in the edited version of the episode as it doesn't show the disturbing scene of Rita being raped and murdered due to the scene traumatizing the MST3K cast members during recording.}} === [[w:Jungle Goddess|Jungle Goddess]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]" ==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ==== :''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]'' :'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Greta''': Did you study your spelling last night? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': Uh, dog ate it. :'''Wunama''': Uh, yes, yes! :'''Greta''': Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful." :'''Joel''': Let me hear you spell "patronize." :'''Wunama''': Beautiful... ah yes... :'''Crow [as Wunama]''': Will this be on the final? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': S-L-... :'''Wunama''': B-E... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': A-V... :'''Wunama''': ''[struggling]'' A... U... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': E-R-Y. :'''Wunama''': T... I-F-U-L. :''[the two girls giggle]'' :'''Greta''': That's wonderful! :'''Servo [as Greta]''': Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]'' :'''Bob''': No doubt about it. It's kronotite. :'''Mike''': Are you sure? :'''Bob''': I'd stake my life on it. :'''Crow''': That's already in the kitty, Bob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]'' :'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble? :'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart? === [[w:Catalina Caper|Catalina Caper]] === :'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. :'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]'' :'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]] :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this! :'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! :'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo. :'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]'' :'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on… :'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick! :'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]! === [[w:Rocket Attack U.S.A.|Rocket Attack U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== ==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! :'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? :'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER! :'''Joel''': Is right for five points. <hr width="50%"/> :''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]'' :'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. :'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]'' :'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Watkins answers his phone.]'' :'''General''': Hello? :'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? :'''General''': Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]'' :'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York has just been nuked.]'' :'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]'' :'''Blind Guy''': Help me. === [[w:Ring of Terror|Ring of Terror]] === ==== Ring of Terror (movie) ==== :''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40. :''[He puts on a sweater.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]'' :'''Crow''': I'm a lamp. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Rayburn''': However strong we may feel... :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Our bones are very brittle. :'''Professor Rayburn''': ... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Like love. :'''Professor Rayburn''': When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To do the technicolor yarn. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': To blow chow. :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To summon the earl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during an autopsy]'' :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Then we follow with an abdominal incision... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': Which should be whipped into stiff peaks. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a ''wonderful'' meal. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science. :'''Servo''': What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all! :'''Professor Rayburn''': Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Where we'll meet for bars and punch. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault. :'''Servo''': These are the battered faces of men in their 40s. :'''Professor Rayburn''': He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet! ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up! === [[w:Wild Rebels|Wild Rebels]] === :''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]]. :'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeeter (the biker leader) watches as fellow biker Banjo jealously observes someone flirting with Linda]'' :'''Jeeter''': Can you boys believe it; Banjo's in love. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jeeter]'' Okay, would you believe- mildly infatuated? H-how about a school-girl crush? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]! === [[w:Lost Continent (1951 film)|Lost Continent]] === :''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]'' :'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us? :'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong. :'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Come on, '''''God, why, why, why?!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Servo''': This is-this is a madhouse, '''''a madhouse!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Joel''': Ugh, I never knew ''mountain time'' was so slow. :'''Servo''': Please. :'''Lt. Danny Wilson''': Stay with me, baby. :'''Crow''': Come on, "stay with me, baby", ''is that all you can say?!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? ''[pause]'' '''WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? ''PLEASE!!!''''' === [[w:The Hellcats|The Hellcats]] === : '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from? : '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Artist''': ''[Stumbling around drunk and high]'' Roses are green. Violets are red...' : '''Joel [as Artist]''': I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. === [[w:King Dinosaur|King Dinosaur]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake]'' I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist! :'''Crow''': ''[while the SOL crew laugh]'' Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn). :'''Joel''': This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. ''[pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench]'' Works every time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]'' :'''Servo''': It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine. :'''Joel''': Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow''': Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more. :'''Joel''': That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. ''[as Joey]'' You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me! :'''Servo''': Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine. :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey, hitting Servo]'' Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way. ... :'''Servo''': L is for "Lemur"... :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' L is for Lemur- 'nuff said! :'''Crow''': E is for "eat". :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure! :'''Crow''': M is for "monkey"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show! :'''Servo''': U is for "unusual"... :'''Crow''': ...and "unpredictable"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on [[Johnny Carson]]'s sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go! :'''Servo''': ''[uneasy]'' Uh, R is for "radical"... :'''Crow''': ...and "rambunctious"! ''[immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur! :'''Crow''': Friend to all mankind! ==== X Marks the Spot (short) ==== :''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]'' :'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. :'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. :'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! : . . . :'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene fades to an intersection]'' :'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley." :'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy. :''[Scene pans to a car approaching]'' :'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and... :''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]'' :'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! :''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]'' :'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel appears before Joe's spirit]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe's Angel]'' [[It's a Wonderful Life|Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Judge]'' Dear Diary... it's hard being God. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Angel''': ''[while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court]'' I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Angel]'' But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel prepares to divulge more about Joe as a driver before he's interrupted by the sound of a car crash]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Hang on, you'll want to see this. :'''Servo''': ''[as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents]'' And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey... :''[Joe sees this and looks forelorn as it starts to sink in how badly he acted as a motorist]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe]'' I'm so ashamed. :'''Joel''': ''[the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim]'' Looks like [[w:Richard Nixon|Nixon's]] enemy list. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge]'' Hurts, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': ''[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver]'' Incidentally, was there any traffic law he '''didn't''' violate? :'''Joe''': Oh; I never hit-and-run. :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Well, ''that'' changes everything! :'''Judge''': If you did, then you'd be booked in- ''[clears throat]'' :'''Servo''': In phlegm? :'''Judge''': -in a ''lower court''. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Judge''': You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse '''you''' of it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge, muttering]'' Never hit and run; why I oughta- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver... :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Now how is he as a cocktail waitress! :'''Judge''': ...how is he as a pedestrian? :'''Angel''': Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he '''''knew''''' he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze. :'''Servo''': ''[as Angel]'' Squeaking, and calling himself [[w:Flowers for Algernon|Algernon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"]'' Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? '''''Can I''''' make a difference? . . . :'''Crow''': Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. ''[jaunty contemplative music plays]'' What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I '''can''' do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... ''[adressing the viewers]'' We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and '''''then''''' watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me. . . . :'''Crow''': ''[continuing]'' Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, '''you''' do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to '''you'''. And now we've got Commercial Sign. ''[as he calms himself down and the music fades out]'' Oh, the pain, the pain... ''[sighs]'' ==== King Dinosaur (movie) ==== :''[the movie begins with a credit for producer [[w:Robert L. Lippert|Robert Lippert]], who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point]'' :'''Servo''': Lippert? Oh, yikes! :'''Joel''': [[w:Rocketship X-M|Mars is extending us a welcome!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Jungle Goddess|French-fried potatoes!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova]'' If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. ''[Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully]'' On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City. :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Gordon]'' I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word. :'''Narrator''': ''[cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation]'' The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet. :'''Servo''': Yes, it's not very polite. :'''Narrator''': Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas. :'''Joel''': And she's cute too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as bizarre sounding horn music plays during the opening scenes]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa; is [[w:Bozo's Circus|Cookie the Clown]] on the premises again? . . . :'''Joel''': ''[smoke pours from the rocket]'' A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as [[John F. Kennedy]] ]'' I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Ralph Martin and Patricia Bennett record their test results and superimposed footage is shown over a tape recorder]'' :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria... :'''Crow''': Was superimposed. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...was completely unfamiliar. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count... :'''Crow''': Joel, I'm tripping! :'''Joel''': No, it's just a photo-processed... :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': ...less than a tolerable percentage. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Temperature... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': [[w:Watergate scandal|Expletive deleted.]] [[w:Nixon White Hoise tapes|18 minutes was deleted from this tape.]] [[w:Richard Nixon|I am not a crook.]] :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': Or any good at all... :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova. :'''Joel''': The end. :'''Crow''': Aw, they taped over the [[w:The Beatles in Hamburg|Beatles Berlin]] tapes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What time would you say it is? :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Uh, it's time to kill something. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': ''[looking at a flock of birds]'' I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here. :'''Servo [as Richard]''': Judging by those birds. :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': ...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark. :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as scientist/Martin Brody]'' [[Jaws (film)|I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Nora and Richard come upon a barren part of the mysterious island]'' :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What a desolate, forsaken place. :'''Crow''': What a stilted, pretentious line. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while the scientists attempt to flee from a <s>iguana</s> dinosaur with their <s>kinkajou</s> lemur in tow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to the "dinosaur"]'' Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey? :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' '''No'''!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]'' :'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?! :'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': ''[as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation]'' Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb. :'''Joel''': ''[in a sing-song voice]'' Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the atomic explosion kills all the prehistoric beasts on the island]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up. :'''Crow [as the kinkajou]''': Thanks for annihilating everything I know! :'''Servo''': You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized? :'''Crow''': Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb. :'''Servo''': Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Well, we've done it. :'''Joel [as Ralph]''': Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright? :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova. :'''Crow''': Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Let's go home. :'''Joel''': Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids. :'''Crow''': Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind. :'''Servo''': And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home. === [[w:The Silent Star|First Spaceship on Venus]] === :''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]'' :'''Brinkman''': Sumiko! :'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here. :'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much? :'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? === [[w:Godzilla vs. Megalon|Godzilla vs. Megalon]] === :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]'' :'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic? : . . . :'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up! :'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! : . . . :''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]'' :'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Yep! :'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]'' :'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! :'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]'' :'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]] :. . . :''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]'' :'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]'' :'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]'' :'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? :'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design! :'''Goro''': They're controlling him. :'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! :'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? :'''Joel''': Um, no. :'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid. :. . . :'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]'' :'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... :. . . :'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object! :'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]'' :'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]'' :'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! :'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''? :'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''! :'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]'' :'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]'' :'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]'' :'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye! :'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]'' :'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! :''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]'' :'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a badly translated version of the Jet Jaguar theme]'' :'''Singer''': ''[subtitles]'' ''He jock it made of steel'' : ''Eats sushi from a pail'' : ''Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!'' : ''He mother never really love him'' : ''He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity'' : ''He dickey covers up an Adams Apple the size of a Toyota'' : ''He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock'' : ''Knock! Knock! Knock!'' : ''Who's there?'' : ''His head looks like Jack Nicholson'' : ''Don't smile like that, it will stay that way'' : ''YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH!'' === [[w:Ebirah, Horror of the Deep|Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster]] === :''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve! == Season 3 == === [[w:Ator 2 - L'invincibile Orion|Cave Dwellers]] === :''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie? :'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined. :'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]'' :'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]'' :'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. :'''Servo [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! :'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': ...what? :''[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... folks, we have snakes ''growling'' here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all! :'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour. : . . . :'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''. :'''Crow''': What the…?! :'''Servo''': ''[laughs]'' :'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]] :'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. :'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now. :''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh— huh? :'''Joel''': How'd he do that? :'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that? :''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]'' :'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now. :'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]]. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. :'''Servo''': ''[defensive]'' Shut up! It's not funny. ''[Scoffs]'' :'''Kenny''': ''[looking for his turtle]'' You there? :'''Servo''': ''[beginning to get a little sad]'' Oh Tibby... :'''Kenny''': Tibby? :'''Crow''': [[w:To Be, or Not to Be|...or not Tibby]]. :'''Servo''': It's not- Stop it! Shut up! :'''Kenny''': Tibby! :'''Crow [as Kenny]''': Tibby! Tibby! ''SQUISH!'' Aww, Tibby! :'''Servo''': ''[getting more emotional]'' That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! :'''Kenny''': Tibby??? Tibby! :'''Joel''': What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. :'''Servo''': ''[gets up and begins to walk away]'' I'm leaving! I ha- ''[sobbing]'' I can't take this, this is terrible! :'''Joel''': Come on back, come on. :'''Servo''': ''[returning to his seat]'' Will you stop with the jokes? :'''Joel''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]'' :'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! :'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. :'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]'' :'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... :'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. :'''Servo''': More Gamera movies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]'' :'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space]'' :'''Servo''': Uhh... :'''Crow''': Hey, Joel, remind you of anything? :'''Joel''': ''[rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it]'' Yeah, it reminds me of ''this!'' :'''Crow''': Ah! Hey! Cut it out. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[singing]'' In the not too distant future- ''[Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]'' :'''Crow''': Ha ha! :'''Servo''': You could get sued for that kind of thing. :'''Joel''': I'm gonna sue ''you'' for using that song. === [[w:Extra Terrestrial Visitors|Pod People]] === :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner? :'''TV's Frank''': People vomit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]'' :'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that? :'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! :'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]'' :'''Rick''': It stinks! {{hnote|The movie was filmed in Spain, where the okay sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. :'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? :'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves. :'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]'' :'''Servo''': Syntho-birds. :'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest. :'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]'' :'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy? :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]'' :'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together. :'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky. <hr width="50%"/> :''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]'' :'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope. : . . . :'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things! :''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]'' :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid. :'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? :'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]'' :'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me? :'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]] <hr width=''50%"/> (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) :'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! :'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) : . . . :'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!'' <hr width=''50%"/> :''[Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]'' :'''Servo''': Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists. :''[Later:]'' :'''Servo''': First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with ''Whispering Firestorm.'' Then it's Yanni with ''SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar.'' Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his ''[[w:Sominex|Sominex]] Suite in B-flat.'' Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''. === [[w:The Stranger (1973 film)|Stranded in Space]] === === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :'''Gypsy''': I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house! :''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]'' :'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared! :'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]'' :'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! === [[w:Daddy-O (film)|Daddy-O]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken]'' Frank, what are you doing? :'''TV's Frank''': I was just getting a- uh, piece of water. :'''Dr. Forrester''': A piece of water? :'''TV's Frank''': I mean a glass of- cake... I mean- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Come here. ''[drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board]'' Well that's it, Frank; we're licked. :'''TV's Frank''': Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. ''[presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly]'' ==== Alphabet Antics (short) ==== :''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]'' :'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]". :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]'' :'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]'' :'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside. <hr width="50%"/> :''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]'' :'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. :. . . :''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]'' :'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now. :. . . :''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': O is for once... :'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? :. . . :''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]'' :'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals. :. . . :'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys! :. . . :'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas... :'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]'' :'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. ==== Daddy-O (movie) ==== :''[Upon seeing title of movie]'' :'''Crow''': Daddy-O! :'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]'' :'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls! :''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]'' :'''Phil''': What's this? :'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]'' :'''Man in Hat''': Anything new to tell me? :'''Servo [as Phil]''': ''[straining]'' [[Citizen Kane|Rosebud]], was a sled. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, bless you. :''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy! :'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''. === [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|The Amazing Colossal Man]] === :''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!'' :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the title sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Sandy Frank presents our own personal ''hell!'' :'''Servo''': Indeed. :'''Joel''': Who ''is'' that guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet]'' :'''Crow''': Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of ''[[w:Star Trek (The Original Series)|Star Trek]]'', the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of- :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like the star raider the [[w:Dalek|Daleks]] had in the [[w:The Doctor|fifth generation]] of the ''[[w:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]'', when they had [[w:The Three Doctors (Doctor Who)|the three Doctors together]], and they had the one that looked like Mo- :'''Crow''': No, it's definitely like a [[w:Klingons|Klingon]]! :'''Joel''': Okay, that's good... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the fleet attacks a city]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is super cool, like that [[w:Saga of a Star World|first episode]] of ''[[w: Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' when they have to leave the planet, and [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] got stabbed in the back! :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like ''Invasion Earth''- it's like ''Invasion Earth'' and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they- :'''Crow''': Nuh-uh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a big list of writers are appears]'' :'''Crow''': Why do they need so many writers? :'''Servo''': Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance. :'''Crow''': Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier]'' :'''Crow''': Just like that episode, where it was like the [[w:Patterns of Force (Star Trek: The Original Series)|Nazi world]] on ''Star Trek''. :'''Servo''': No no no, it was like ''Doctor Who'', when [[w:Tom Baker|Tom Baker]] was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters. :'''Joel''': That's enough. :'''Crow''': No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament. :'''Servo''': No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere! :'''Joel [as Ken]''': I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken is rescued by the crew of the ''Bacchus 3'']'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I remember this. This is just like in ''[[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Marooned]]'', when [[w:David Janssen|David Janssen]] goes to save [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] and [[w:James Franciscus|James Franciscus]] in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet... :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's pretty cool. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: This is the song written for the train chase. :: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! :: He tried to kill me with a forklift… :: Olé! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels? :'''Crow [as Rocky]''': ''[defensively]'' THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask]'' :'''Rocky''': Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Which one? :'''Tammy''': I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree? :'''Rocky''': Okay. :'''Joel''': Man of firm convictions... :'''Rocky''': I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition... :'''Joel [as Rocky]''': You stop drinking, and start going to meetings. === [[w:It Conquered the World|It Conquered the World]] === ==== Snow Thrills (short) ==== : ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]'' :'''Servo''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]'' :'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! :'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit. :. . . :''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]'' :'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. ==== It Conquered the World (movie) ==== :''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. :'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail. :'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. :'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''. : . . . :''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]'' :'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours? :'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper! :'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums. :'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. :'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[The movie credits show: &copy; MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestl&eacute;'s jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a scene with very poor dubbing]'' :'''Dr. Shiga''': There's no... :'''Servo [as Dr. Shiga]''': Business like... show business. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure. :'''Servo''': Uh-huh. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Joel and Servo''': Yeah? Uh-huh? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... there are... :'''Servo''': Go on. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. Go on. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... no rivers on Mars. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Crow''': Yes. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And on Venus... :'''Joel''': Yeah? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... it has several hundred degrees centigrade. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. :'''Servo''': It does. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Servo''': Yes? :'''Joel''': Go on? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with... :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' '''SUM. UP.''' :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... frozen ammonia. :'''Joel''': You got a little uh... :'''Dr. Shiga''': Saturn... is also... :'''Joel''': Mhmm? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ...the same. :'''Servo''': Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the film's score]'' Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed. :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': We are filled with shame. :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Now back to our '''show.''' :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]'' :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]] :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you! :'''Joel''': Oops, sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the battle between Gaos and Guiron; Gaos attempts to use a beam attack, which Guiron deflects back to Gaos' leg, dismembering Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': He's got a leg up on him now. :''[Joel and Servo groan]'' :'''Servo''': Crow! :'''Crow''': I know. :... :''[Guiron leaps up at Gaos while they are in flight, slicing off one of Gaos' wings, causing them to crash]'' :'''Crow''': Hi-keeba! I'd give my right arm to beat that guy. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''Crow''': He's flying on a limb and a prayer, you might say. :'''Servo''': Grrr! :'''Crow''': He's going out on a limb! He's winging it! :'''Servo''': Do something, Joel! Do something! :''[Joel begins shaking Crow, threatening to tear an arm off while he laughs]'' :'''Joel''': I'm just gonna leave that there... :'''Servo''': ''[watching Gaos' wings twitch]'' Hey look, buffalo wings, guys- ''[realizes]'' Don't hurt me. :... :''[Guiron decapitates Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': Quit while you're ahead! :''[Servo groans and Joel shakes Crow some more]'' :'''Crow''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry- ahhh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Akio''': ''[as he and Tom meet the two space-girls]'' Please tell me, what star are we on? :'''Joel [as Akio]''': What's the drinking age? :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''. :'''Tom''': How far are we from the Earth? :'''Space Girl''': We call this star, Terra... :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''! :'''Space Girl''': It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth. :'''Akio''': So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then? :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' It's a ''PLANET.'' :'''Tom''': I wondered if there was such a star. :'''Servo''': It's a '''''PLANET!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]'' :'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]'' :'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair? :'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! :'''Joel [as Akio]''': They '''''ate''''' my hair? :''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tomoko''': Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom. :'''Tomoko''': It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and- :'''Akio's Mother''': I see. Akio's up to something again. :'''Joel [as Akio's Mother]''': No more sugar for you. :'''Tomoko''': Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know? :'''Akio's Mother''': No I don't. :'''Tomoko''': But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it? :'''Akio's Mother''': They are all made up stories! :'''Tomoko''': But mother- :'''Crow [as Akio's Mother]''': I'm not your mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a ''good'' school. :'''Servo [as Akio's Mother]''': Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics. :'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]'' :'''Tom's Mother''': Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. :'''Crow''': It's Vanessa Redgrave! :''[Aiko's mother approaches]'' :'''Aiko's Mother''': Hello Elsa... :'''Servo''': Hello, Inga. :'''Tom's Mother''': Hello, thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...thank you again. :'''Servo''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Tom's Mother''': I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': No, and there's no use to ask her... :''[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]'' :'''Servo [as Tomoko]''': I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...you said space? :'''Aiko's Mother''': Yeah. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. :'''Servo''': Hahahaha... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Hello! :'''Crow''': That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...please drop in for tea. :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. :'''Aiko's Mother''': I see... :'''Servo''': Thank you. :'''Crow''': Bye. :'''Joel''': Hello, and thank you! :''[Tom's mother gets in her car]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for going. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello! :''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! :'''Tomoko''': Hello! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Hello! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]'' :'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan? :'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What? :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! === [[w:Earth vs. the Spider|Earth vs. the Spider]] === ==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ==== :'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]'' :'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. :'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]'' :'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... :'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]'' :'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example. :''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]'' :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]'' :'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... :'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... :'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... :'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... :'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead. ==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ==== :'''Carol Flynn''': I know something's happened to him. :'''Mike Simpson''': Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that? :'''Servo [as Carol]''': Oh, that's just a dead fa- a '''DEAD FATHER???''' Oh nooo! ''[Sobbing]'' :'''Crow [as Carol]''': Oh my God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]'' :'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|"What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"]] :'''Servo''': Cool! :'''Mike's Father''': Mike, you're wanted on the phone. :'''Crow [as Mike's Father]''': And get my shirts from the laundry. :''[Mike goes inside]'' :'''Joel [as Mike]''': Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool! :''[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]'' :'''Servo''': ... everywhere... oh Bert... :'''Mike''': Hello? :'''Carol''': Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet. :'''Crow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]''': [[w:Commando (1985 film)|I lied.]] :'''Mike''': You don't mean right now, do you? :'''Carol''': If you can get away. Please Mike? :'''Mike''': Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. [[w:Attack of the Puppet People|Something about puppet people.]] Sounds pretty wild. :'''Joel''': Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon... :'''Carol''': Please? :'''Mike''': Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again. :'''Carol''': Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there. :'''Mike''': Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes. :'''Carol''': I'll be waiting. :''[Mike runs outside]'' :'''Mike''': I'll see you dad, I got a date now! :'''Mike's Father''': Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you? :'''Servo [as Mike's Father]''': Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie? === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]'' :'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a– :'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]'' ::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! :: ::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! === [[w:Teenage Caveman (1958 film)|Teenage Caveman]] === :''[it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes? :'''Joel''': Oh; we lost all the marbles. :'''Servo''': Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you? :'''Magic Voice''': I didn't play with it last. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' The pieces are missing anyway. . . . :'''Magic Voice''': Well, why don't you read a book? :'''Joel''': ''[as he and the Bots scoff and protest]'' Oh, gag me... no way! :'''Magic Voice''': Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds. :'''Joel''': Maybe we could play some poker. :'''Gypsy''': Poker? What's poker? :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea]'' You boys be nice to Gypsy. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering]'' Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on. :'''Gypsy''': [I'm] in! :'''Crow''': Let's see, what to do... :'''Gypsy''': ''[cheerfully]'' Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand]'' Oh, I fold! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand! ==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ==== :'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! :''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing over footage of young women water-skiing]'' : ''Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty'' : ''Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend'' : ''Gee, I hope I don't get acne'' : ''I'm having so much fun now!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. :'''Crow''': This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! :'''Servo [as Anouncer]''': Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???.... :'''Joel''': Shhh, It's just a movie. ==== Catching Trouble (short) ==== :''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]! :'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk! :'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[imitating [[w: Emo Phillips|Emo Philips]] after Joel points out Ross's seminal guide resembles him]'' I was wondering if we could go into the woods, and maybe we could see some am-i-nals. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? :'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice? :'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]'' :'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross]'' Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in closing during the ensuing host segment]'' If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you! :'''Joel''': Any questions? ==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ==== :'''Narrator''': In the beginning, there was chaos... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Run by [[w:Bernie Kopell|Bernie Kopell]]. :''[a flash of light appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, and then God showed up. :'''Narrator''': And a voice said, "Let there be light." :'''Joel''': Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these. :'''Narrator''': And the dark was separated from the light. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And permanent press was separated from cottons. :'''Narrator''': There was created, the waters and the land. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And [[w:Charlton Heston|Charlton Heston]]. ConTel. :'''Narrator''': And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit. :'''Servo''': Frogs. :'''Joel''': Oh, this is ''[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' before they colorized it. :'''Narrator''': ''[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen]'' The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied. :'''Crow''': They all look like [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]]. :'''Narrator''': And then there came... man. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': To screw the whole thing up! :'''Servo and Joel''': Hey! :'''Crow''': Well, what about [[w:Ross Allen (herpetologist)|Ross]]? <hr width=50%/> :''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Symbol Maker's teenage son ([[w:Robert Vaughn|Robert Vaughn]]) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]'' :'''Symbol Maker's Son''': Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty '''''there'''''? ''[footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Why am I thinking about gas stations? :'''Symbol Maker''': [Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die. :'''Servo''': Oh, like Hollywood! :'''Symbol Maker''': There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Symbol Maker]'' And kids that eat paste! <hr width="50%"> :'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory! :'''Crow''': But not as interesting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of the Symbol Maker's son early on]'' [[Rebel Without a Cause|Caveman Without a Cause]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Symbol Maker's Son is conversing with a Blonde Maiden (played by Darah Marshall) about leaving the tribe to set out on his own]'' :'''Symbol Maker's Son''': ...So I wonder, how many strange things there are- beyond the river; even beyond the Green Place. :'''Joel''': ''[as Blonde Maiden]'' He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to '''me'''. :'''Blonde Maiden''': If you break the Law again, the people will give you death! :'''Servo''': ''[as Symbol Maker's Son]'' [[w:Give me liberty or give me death|I prefer liberty]]. === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === === [[w:The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent]] === :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' W is for the many ways that you're served :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' A is for the admiration you deserve :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And F is for the flavor that is second to none! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth! :'''Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' E is for eggs--Oh Baby! :'''Tom''': Triple time! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love-- :'''Gypsy''': Send me up another please! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Oh, waffles we love-- :'''Servo''': Top mine off with runny cheese! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Crow''': Chili waffles suit me fine! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Joel''': Wash me down with Aunt Jemima? :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel walks in carrying a plate of waffles; with only one thing to say]'' :'''Joel''': ...Waffles. ''[Movie Sign blares]'' Oh; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place ''without'' waffles. :'''Crow''': ''[appears dressed in a waffle costume]'' [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|No waffles]]? :'''Servo''': Ah, who are you? :'''Crow''': Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing? :'''Servo''': Sure. :'''Crow''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad? :'''Joel''': ''[as "Chad"]'' Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have- :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie]'' Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles! :'''Joel''': ''[as young boy]'' Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles? :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie/Mom]'' Sorry, son; no waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' ==== The Home Economics Story (short) ==== :''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]'' :'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]'' :'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.'' :'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen? :''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]'' :'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well. :'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired. :''[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]'' :'''Crow [as Matronly Woman]''': I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]'' :'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara. :'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Kay sends her application letter.]'' :'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. :'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly) :'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here. :''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]'' :'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! :'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]'' :'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a costume design class]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A football game is starting.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. :'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"! :''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you! :''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]'' :'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. :'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work? :'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen? :. . . :'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean? :'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! :. . . :'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]'' :'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]'' :'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. :'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"? :'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]]. :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]'' :'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. :'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''. ==== The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (movie) ==== === [[w:Star wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :''[as the title appears]'' :'''Servo''': Uh oh, ''Fugitive Alien II: [[w:Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo|Electric Boogaloo]], [[w:Exorcist II: The Heretic|the Heretic]], [[w:Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise|Nerds in Paradise]], [[w:Mannequin Two: On the Move|On the Move]], [[w:Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol|Citizens on Patrol]]''! :'''Joel''' Star Force times two! Two times the action, two times the confusion! :'''Servo''': Baboom! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling ''really'' good! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a ''Fugitive Alien'' sequel, we're in for the two most ''painful'' hours of our lives! ''[Servo begins crying]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now. :'''Narrator''': A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star... :'''Servo''': ''[crying]'' We know... :'''Narrator''': ... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part... :'''Crow''': Seen it! :'''Servo''': Taped it! ''[cries more]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus III.]'' :'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes. :'''Narrator''': Ken will never forget her. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rocky the Flying Squirrel|Again?]] :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''Again?!'' :'''Servo''': That's good, Crow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you! :'''Joel [as Yurulin]''': I'm the [[w:Margaret Brown|Unsinkable Molly Brown]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]'' :'''Crow''': IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!! :'''Joel''': Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow! ''[They rush out of the theater]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him! :'''Crow [imitating William Shatner]''': A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- ''[gets slapped in the beak]'' :'''Joel''': Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo! :'''Crow [on Shatner mode]''': But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! ''[breaking character]'' [[w:T.J. Hooker|Hooker's a good cop]]! Whoa! He's a good-- ''[gets slapped in the beak again]'' :'''Joel''': Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance! :'''Crow''': ''[sobs]'' I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated ''Bacchus III'' commander from the beloved ''Fugitive Alien'' series! :'''Crow''': Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately. :'''Servo''': Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks! :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of ''Bacchus 3''. Set 'em up, barkeep. :'''Crow''': Flask and travel bar not included. :'''Servo''': Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial. :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink! :'''Crow''' Existential void where prohibited. :'''Servo''': Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him. :'''Crow''': Tax and license not included. :'''Servo''': You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe. :'''Joel [as [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]]''': Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate! :'''Joel [as [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]]''': Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House! :'''Joel [as [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]]''': Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life. :'''Servo''': And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always... :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': ''[singing]'' Try to kill him with a forklift! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the film's score]'' Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare... :'''Joel''': ''[starting to get annoyed]'' That's good... that's plenty. :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': ''[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky]'' I'll kill that Rocky. :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Servo''': Oh-hooo, hit him. :... :'''Captain Joe''': ''[calling Rocky]'' Rocky, can you read me? :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Joel''': ... stop it. :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''AGAIN?'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' STOP IT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a desert, The Bacchus III crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]'' :'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn... HEY CORN?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :''[singing]'' What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue, <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bacchus III crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]'' :'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place. :'''Ken''': How will we do it? :'''Rocky''': Easy. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]'' :'''Joel''': Where have I seen this before? :'''Servo''': Oh, I don't know; [[w:Star Wars (film)|a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away]]? :'''Crow''': Yeah... :'''Joel''': Yep. === [[w:War of the Colossal Beast|War of the Colossal Beast]] === ==== [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B Natural]] (short) ==== :''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]'' :'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean? :'''Servo''': "A sick cookie". :'''Joel''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]'' :''Come on and buy some crap from us'' :''You know that you want to'' :''And the white race will salute you'' :''As you prance and gad about!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]] :'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this! :'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]! :'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you. :'''Crow''': No, I bathe. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]'' :'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]'' :'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me! :'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... :'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks! :'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]'' :'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. :'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? :'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural! :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now? :''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform... :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition... :'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! :'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! :'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know? :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please. :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B dances to some music.]'' :'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her. :'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]'' :'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]'' :'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]'' :'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. :'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... :. . . :'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. :. . . :'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... :. . . :''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]'' :'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]'' :'''Joel''': Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay? :'''Crow, Servo''': Okay. :'''Joel''': All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow! :'''Crow''': Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt. :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' Not a chance, fat bot! :'''Crow''': Hey, c'mon... :'''Joel''': ''[pushes Servo back]'' Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again! :'''Crow''': Thank you, commissioner. ''[clears throat]'' We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late... :'''Joel''': Get to the point, Mr. Robot! :'''Crow''': The point, sir, is: Breasts. :'''Servo''': D'... Huh? :'''Crow''': Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly ''un''-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo? :''[Servo laughs nervously]'' :'''Crow''': When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman. :'''Joel''': Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo! :'''Servo''': ''[parody of a posh Ivy League accent]'' Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh... :'''Joel''': ''[interrupting]'' Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No [[w:William_F._Buckley_Jr.|William F. Buckley]] impersonations under threat of a point reduction! :'''Servo''': ''[normal voice]'' Okay, sorry. ''[clears throat]'' Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him! :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, you're evading the question! :'''Servo''': If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could ''all'' be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor. :'''Joel''': Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut. :'''Crow''': ''Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me!'' Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural ''is'' a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not... :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, your rebuttal! :'''Servo''': Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ''all'' the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo-- :'''Joel''': ''[abruptly ending the debate]'' Uh, gentlemen, I have commecial sign; I'm sorry. ==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ==== :''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]'' :: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude! :: Take one down, pass it around, :: 99 years of solitude! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]'' :'''Joyce Manning''': Could this be Glen's? :'''Servo''': No, no, the [[w:Fingerprint#Classifying|whorl pattern]] is completely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff''': ''[upon discovering a giant footprint]'' Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. :'''Joyce''': ''Glen'' was sixty feet tall. :'''Crow''': Think there's a connection? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]'' :'''Servo''': That's right, [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert]], spare us nothing. === [[w:The Unearthly|The Unearthly]] === ==== Posture Pals (short) ==== :''[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]'' :'''Joel''': Avis Films, we try harder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[w:Dragnet|The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]'' :'''Joel''': My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. :'''Crow, Servo''': Hi, Sally. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of the four kids]'' :'''Narrator''': And these four children are especially important about the four things. :'''Joel''': 'Cause they're on the payroll. <hr width="50%"/> :''[talking about the posture contest]'' :'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. :'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. :'''Narrator''': Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. :'''Servo''': Hey, who wouldn't be? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the kids look at their posture drawings]'' :'''Joel''': That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. :'''Narrator''': But they are not happy with what they see. :'''Servo''': They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! :'''Narrator''': For Tommy is indeed surprised... :'''Crow [as Tommy]''': No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! :'''Narrator''': ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. :'''Joel''': He's got VPL. :'''Servo''': Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! :'''Narrator''': Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! :'''Narrator''': He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Just like his dad on Friday night! :'''Narrator''': And what gives Jane her worried frown? :'''Joel''': Valium? :'''Narrator''': Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. :'''Servo''': All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. :'''Narrator''': Our Mary is a happy girl... :'''Servo''': ''(imitates repeated burping)'' :'''Narrator''': ...with hollowed chest and tired head. :'''Crow''': She should jut go home to bed. ''Green Eggs and Ham''. :'''Servo''': Thank you, Sam-I-Am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]'' :'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]'' :'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired? :'''Crow''': Yes, very much so. :''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]'' :'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! :''[Servo makes broken spine noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]'' :'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy&mdash; :'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! :'''Narrator''': &mdash;when Jimmy stands off-balance. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! :'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. :''[A silhouette appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]! :'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]! :''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. :'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is voted posture queen]'' :'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX! :''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]'' :'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire! :'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns. :'''Servo''': Definitely a fix. :'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!''' :. . . :'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. ==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ==== :''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]'' :'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break. :'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]]. ==== The Unearthly (movie) ==== :''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]'' :'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. :''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]'' :'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. : . . . :''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]'' :'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]'' :'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed! :'''Joel''': Well said. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]'' :'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''... === [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] === [On The Satellite of Love] :'''Crow''': Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. :'''Joel Robinson''': You wrote a Christmas song? :'''Crow''': Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! :'''Tom Servo''': Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A [[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]] Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, [[Road House]]. :'''Servo''': C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? :'''Crow''': Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? :'''Joel''': C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. :'''Crow''': All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. :'''Joel''': "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Right. Hit it, Cambot! [music starts] :'''Servo''': Oh. Oh, I start. I get it. Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear :'''Joel''': Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. :[music stops] :'''Joel''': Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. :'''Crow''': Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? :'''Joel''': Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. :'''Crow''': Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! '''Tom Servo''': Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. :[music resumes] :'''Tom Servo''': Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. :'''Crow''': Thank you. TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! TOM La la la la la la Ha ha! :'''Crow''': How long before it becomes a standard? :'''Joel''': I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon! :[Joel drags Crow out] :'''Tom Servo''': We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh. :''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]'' :'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]'' :'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep! :'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. :'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys! :'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep! :'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then? :'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. :'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]'' :'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. :'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]]. :. . . :'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! :'''Santa''': Oh, this'll never do! :'''Joel''': ''[as Santa]'' We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! :'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… :'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex. :'''TV's Frank''': Yah… :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. :'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}} === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja I]] === :''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]'' :'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! :'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]'' :'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. :'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day. :'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. :'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff? :'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]'' :'''Okasa''': The old man hired you? :'''McAlister''': I am not for hire. :'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times... :'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone. :'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]'' :'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. :'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that. :'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production. :'''Max''': We're being followed! :'''Servo [as McAllister]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie! :''[The van makes a sharp left.]'' :'''Crow [as McAllister]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard! :'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. :'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}} :. . . :''[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBER! :''[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBERRRRRR! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those. :'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]]. :'''Max''': You all right? :'''Joel [as McAllister]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. === [[w:The Castle of Fu Manchu|The Castle of Fu Manchu]] === :'''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.''<br> :'''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice... :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a refrigerator. :'''Fu Manchu''': And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril. :'''Joel''': Kinda like a Corvair, huh? :'''Fu Manchu''': In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete. :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': But first, this word from Maxwell House. :''[footage of the [[w:RMS Titanic|Titanic]] is shown]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, they stole this from a [[w:A Night to Remember (1958 film)|Titanic movie]]. Look. :... :''[the ship hits the iceberg]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Lucille Ball|Lucy]] must be around here somewhere. [[w:I Love Lucy|"Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"]] :... :'''Crow''': ''[as the passengers panic]'' [[w:Monty Python's Flying Circus|Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.]] :... :''[as the ship continues to sink]'' :'''Crow''': And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, ''[[w:The Poseidon Adventure (1972 film)|The Poseidon Adventure]]. :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"]] :... :''[as the ship finishes sinking]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Morning After (Maureen McGovern song)|There's got to be a morning after...]] And there she goes! Yay! :'''Crow''': Well, that made no sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Castle of Fu Manchu; where you [[w:White Castle (restaurant)|eat square hamburgers]] with chopsticks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on]'' '''I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~''' :'''Crow''': C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Petrie''': Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come. :'''Joel [as Kessler]''': Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers- :'''Servo''': Joel, no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': This is Fu Manchu... :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': And I'm an alcoholic. :'''Joel''': Hi Fu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio)'' Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! ''(breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)'' :'''Crow''': Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! :'''Joel''': Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. :'''Servo''': ''(while still crying)'' I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! :'''Crow''': I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? :'''Joel''': Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. :'''Servo''': You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? ''(sobs uncontrollably)'' :'''Crow''': Better you than me! :'''Joel''': Oh, Crow, c'mon... ''(addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust)'' Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank)'' You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]'' :'''Dr. Kessler''': What's wrong with that man? :'''Crow''': Nothing at all! :'''Fu Manchu''': There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition. :'''Servo''': I'll say. :'''Fu Manchu''': And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell. :'''Joel''': Bong! :'''Fu Manchu''': Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart? :'''Joel [as Kessler]''' ''[flustered]'' Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest! :'''Dr. Kessler''': But that man is not dead or dying! :'''Crow''': [[w:The Princess Bride (film)|He's only ''mostly'' dead!]] :'''Fu Manchu''': ... he will die, for the sake of science. :'''Dr. Kessler''': And for your sake also. :'''Fu Manchu''': I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent. :'''Servo''': I wish this '''MOVIE''' WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying)'' Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(mockingly)'' '''[[The Wizard of Oz|Auntie Em, Auntie Em!]]''' <hr width="50%"/> ''(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)'' :'''Servo''': Oh... King's on his throne. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie)'' Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. :'''Joel''': [[It's a Wonderful Life|You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others.]] Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! :'''Dr. Forrester''': You're sounding like a [[w:Hallmark Cards, Inc.|Hallmark card]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': ''(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene)'' You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(angrily)'' Frank! :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': Gotcha! === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja II]] === :''[After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]'' :'''McAlister''': I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you. :'''Servo''': Usually they run away screaming. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]'' :'''Max''': I'm here. Are you? :'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. :'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.''] :'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]'' :'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. == Season 4 == === [[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Space Travelers]] === :''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]'' :'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. === [[w:The Giant Gila Monster|The Giant Gila Monster]] === :'''Joel''': Hey Gypsy, come here! ''[Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]'' :'''Joel''': Gypsy, no! It's too small! :''[Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.]'' :'''Gypsy''': These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's title appears on the screen]'' :'''Joel, Crow & Servo''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]'' :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]'' :'''Servo [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror! :''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]'' :'''Chase''': Two twenties! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That makes thirty dollars! === [[w:City Limits (1985 film)|City Limits]] === :'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed. :''[Frank turns to Morrissey]'' :'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? :'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. :'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have wept for hours...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]'' :'''Woody''': I lost a tooth. :'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! :''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]'' :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. :'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. :'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]'' :'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! :'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]'' :'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. :'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]'' :'''Mick''': You're nothin'. :'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. :'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mick''': We ain't stupid. :'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. :'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]'' :'''Servo [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]] === [[w:Teenagers from Outer Space (film)|Teenagers from Outer Space]] === :''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:08:16 --> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:12:40 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''! :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!'' <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 0:13:37 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]'' :'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." :'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:46:37 --> :'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]'' :: I have often walked down the street before, :: But I've never done it packing heat before… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 1:16:13 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off! <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 1:26:03 --> :'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek? :'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". === [[w:Time Walker|Being from Another Planet]] === :'''TV's Frank''': ''[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call [[w:Precious Moments, Inc.|Tragic Moments]], panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog]'' Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. ... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Others in the collection include ''He Raises a Hand in Anger'', ''World's Deadest Grandma'' and ''Dad's Liquid Breakfast''. ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval]'' You should be locked up for being that evil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a [[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]] impersonation kit]'' :'''Joel''': It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right? :'''Crow''': ''[using the impersonation kit]'' I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not. :'''Joel''': Or you can use it to scare your friends. ''[to Servo]'' Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-'''lance'''? :'''Servo''': ''[using the kit]'' That- would be a decision for '''you''' to make. '''''Choose wisely...''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching the title credit]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[reading over the cast names]'' James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. :'''Joel''': Sam Chew [Jr]? :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as skelton/[[w:Martha Raye|Martha Raye]]]'' Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]'' :'''Jeweler''': Worthless. :'''Peter''': Worthless?! :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': Yeah, your career, that is. :'''Peter''': What do you mean worthless?! :'''Jeweler''': I mean they're not precious. :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': ''You're'' precious. :'''Peter''': They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man! :'''Jeweler''': Well, who told you that? Some hustler in...? :'''Crow''': I don't read ''Hustler''. :'''Peter''': Forget it! ''[takes the crystals back]'' :'''Servo''': I'm gonna find those strawberries... :'''Peter''': Clown! :'''Joel [as Jeweler]''': Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of hospital]'' :'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''! :'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''! :'''Servo''': Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a radio show]'' :'''Linda''': And now, a special message for those ''naughty'' boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden. :'''Crow''': Wow, hot show. :'''Douglas''': Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern... :'''Crow''': ''[as Douglas]'' '''GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Linda Flores (portrayed by [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]]) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Linda]'' Now here's [[w:Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)|The Banana Boat Song]] by a little someone I'd like to call [[w:Harry Belafonte|Dad]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[the mummy reappears on-screen]'' Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]'' :'''Bill''': Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! ''[is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oh, a priest? We love priests! :'''Joel [as a girl]''': ''[seductively]'' Forgive me, Father, for I have ''sinned!'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oooh, I'm ''about'' to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]'' :'''Servo''': Big mistake. :''[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:M&Ms|They're not supposed to melt your hand]]. :'''Servo''': Hate that; the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[over the credits]'' You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. :'''Joel''': Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? :'''Servo''': Worse (than that), worse. :'''Crow''': What about Sidehackers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Cave Dwellers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Crow''': Catalina Caper? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Pod People? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Hellcats? :'''Servo''': Oh, worse. :'''Joel''': Daddy-O? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Rocket Attack USA? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Earth vs. the Spider? :'''Servo''': Definitely worse. :'''Crow''': Ring of Terror? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Joel''': It Conquered the World? :'''Servo''': Uh... yeah, worse! ''[Some time later]'' :'''Joel''': The Manchingo Coniglium? :'''Servo''': ''[uncertain]'' Oh, huh? :'''Crow''': Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! :'''Servo''': [This movie]'s a ton worse. ''[even later still]'' :'''Crow''': How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? :'''Servo''': Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was ''just as bad'', but we've never done a '''worse''' film! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]'' :'''Frank''': I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. ''[collapses onto the button to end the experiment]'' === [[w:Attack of the Giant Leeches|Attack of the Giant Leeches]] === :''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]'' :'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? :'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times''! :'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? :''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]'' :'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Sattelite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll? :''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]'' :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! :'''Crow''': Joel, this is getting too weird; you gotta do something! :'''Joel''': I'm working on it! :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist! :'''Clown #1''': Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that! :'''Joel''': ''[to the Clowns]'' I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! ''[Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.]'' :'''Crow''': Well! Let's not do ''that'' again! ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]'' :'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! :'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! :'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer. :'''Servo''': He'll make several of them! ==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ==== :''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. === [[w:The Killer Shrews|The Killer Shrews]] === :''[it's Present Day for the Bots]'' :'''Gypsy''': What did I get? :'''Crow''': Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even '''had''' a robot named Gypsy! :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[later on]'' What did I get? Me next! :'''Joel''': I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney. :'''Crow''': ''[dumbfounded]'' ...Oh. :'''Joel''': Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though... :'''Crow''': ''[crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him]'' Thank you for the pants... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''. It's called "The Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from ''[[The Dukes of Hazzard]]'', so Frank is excited about it. :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, it was my favorite show; what can I say? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank has a nasty stomachache from drinking the excessively sugary "Killer Shrew" shake]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Here, Frank, drink this. ''[hands Frank a flask]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Thank you; what is it anyway? :'''Dr. Forrester''': An ipecac. ''[Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment]'' ==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ==== :''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]'' :'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator:''' Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. :'''Crow:''' Hey, kids, you ever read ''[[w:The Ox-Bow Incident (novel)|The Ox-Bow Incident]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a successful cattle roping]'' :'''Narrator''': Eight seconds. :'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. :'''Joel [as the rider]''': ''I ammmmmmmmm!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the kids walks off after being thrown off his horse]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as boy, indignantly]'' Go ahead; strip me of my dignity at age four! What are you all looking at?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy Slater is handing out trophies and participation medals to the kids, momentarily shaking hands with one girl]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Billy Slater]'' I loved you in [[The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Parent Trap]], [[w:Hayley Mills|by the way]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. :'''Joel''': It's sad, really. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! ==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ==== :''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]'' :'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]'' :'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! :'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]'' :'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! :: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! :: He comes out at night to give you a fright. :: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! :: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! :: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. :: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]'' :'''Servo''': Puppies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the group walks further into the woods to go out on their own]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a sing-song tone]'' You're gonna die from shrew bites; you're gonna die from shrew bites! Shrew bites, shrew bites~! === [[w:Hercules Unchained|Hercules Unchained]] === :''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': [''singing''] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! ''[bashes her face into the harp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"! === [[w:Indestructible Man|Indestructible Man]] === :''[the Bots decide to prank Joel by switching their programming around into each other]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[as Magic Voice]'' Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon! :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Gypsy]'' Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now. :'''Joel''': Okay; I think I get it now. :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow]'' No, you don't; you've gone crazy! :'''Crow''': ''[as Servo]'' I think you're insane, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel tries to replicate Lon Chaney Jr.'s trademark eye squint, with Cambot zoomed in on Joel's face]'' :'''Servo''': Joel, what are you doing? :'''Joel''': I'm doing an experiment. :'''Crow''': Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern! :'''Joel''': Oh, bite me; it's for- ''[Crow and Servo do just that]'' -Ow! :'''Crow''': What? You said, "bite me". ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :'''Joel''', '''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[singing to the opening credits theme]'' Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom; for you and for me where the men are in dresses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [''imitates Billy''] Shut up, Diane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one faction of the Atlanteans charge through the canyon as their white head-dresses trail behind them]'' :'''Joel''': Hey; it's Jim Henson's [[w:Birth of a Nation|Birth of a Nation]] [[w:Muppet Babies (1984 TV series)|Babies]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Atlanteans charge down a hill as the short ends]'' :'''Joel''': Oh; big hill, everybody! :''[the screen abruptly flashes to a title card for the next episode]''{{hnote|They never did get to any future episodes of the serial.}} :'''Servo''': Well, whaddaya know? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short]'' :'''Crow''': ''[narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float]'' And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from- :'''Joel''': -The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life? :'''Gypsy''': ''[as the parade Grand Marshall]'' [[w:F-Troop|It is balloon]]! :'''Joel''': And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen. :'''Crow''': I think you mean helium. ==== Indestructible Man (movie) ==== :''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]'' :'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]'' :'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. :'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[later, over a scene of a police car]'' Officers, be on the lookout for donuts! :'''Servo''': Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast. :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]'' :'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops! === [[w:Hercules Against the Moon Men|Hercules Against the Moon Men]] === :''[Repeated Lines]'' : '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits]'' :'''Joel''': What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I'm a scientist; I don't ''think'', I '''''observe'''''. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': See me, feel me, touch me! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Push the button, Frank. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': I ''am'' the button. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots sing an ode to pants]'' :'''Joel''': What keeps our legs all warm and hot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Crow''': What prevents a buffalo shot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Tom''': [[The Wizard of Oz|What do they got that I ain't got?]] :'''Joel''' and '''Crow''': ...Pants. :'''Tom''': [[w:Bert Lahr|Well, you]] [[w:The Cowardly Lion|can say that again...]] Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]'' :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]'' :'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.]'' :'''Joel''': This film has ''aged'' me... :'''Crow''': I know how she feels. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move? :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life. :'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city. :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]'' :'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of barren moonscape]'' :'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]? :'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]'' :'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? :'''Gypsy''': No way... :'''Crow''': Not Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy [upset]''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!''' '' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? :'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good! :'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]'' :'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH! === [[w:The Magic Sword (1962)|The Magic Sword]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The knights face an ogre.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no! <hr width="50%"/> :''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]'' :'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets! :'''Crow''': Hey... :'''Joel''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]'' :'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! :'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH! :'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Servo]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! === [[w:Hercules and the Conquest of Atlantis|Hercules and the Captive Women]] === :''[the movie opens proper with a map of the Greek city of Thebes]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Bonanza|Bonanza]]! :'''Servo''': And if that map burns, it'll be a [[w:Greece|Greece]] [[w:Class B fire|fire]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! :'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. :'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others]'' Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do. :'''Joel''': Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment! :'''Gypsy''': ''[uneasy]'' That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them. :'''Crow''': Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat- :'''Joel''': That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. ''[Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots]'' She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of- :'''Crow''': ''[shushes Joel]'' Watch the movie, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[recurring, as Timoteo]'' [[Dirty Harry|I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[horrified]'' Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Say; are you a captive woman? :'''Ismene''': ''[wearily]'' Kill me... :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' ...with kindness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling]'' :'''Crow''': Kitty! :'''Servo''': Suddenly it's a [[w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|MGM]] film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form]'' I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha! :'''Joel''': ''[as Servo imitates the lizard yipping]'' [[The Flintstones|Dino]]! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc! :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Dragon|Daryl Dragon]]. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' I love it when men and lizards fight over me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's [[w:Chaim Topol|Topol]]! :'''Crow''': The smokers' tooth polish? :'''Joel''': No; the hard to work with actor. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': ''[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus]'' Oh omnipotent Zeus... :'''Servo''': ''[as an answering machine]'' Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message... :'''Hercules''': ...Hear my plea... :'''Crow''': Not guilty by reason of insanity! :'''Hercules''': If Androcles is still alive- :'''Joel''': ''[sung]'' [[w:In the Year 2525|In the year 3535...]] :'''Hercules''': Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father! :'''Crow''': ''[as Zeus]'' I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ismene''': Today is dedicated to Uranus. :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? . . . :''[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Hercules]'' You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my- :'''Joel''': We know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene]'' :'''Antinea''': You're right; it '''won't''' happen again. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' Because you're fired! :'''Crow''': ''[as a pit of acid opens in the floor]'' Not the commode! :'''Joel''': I knew it; death by chocolate. :'''Soldier''': ''[begging]'' No; don't kill me! :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier]'' Don't make me take a bath! :'''Joel''': ''[as the soldier is forced into the pit]'' You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa! :'''Crow''': It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis. :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier; in the pit gurgling]'' Is it too late to request a last meal? ''[the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]'' :'''Crow''': Another [[w:Jenny Craig (businesswoman)|Jenny Craig]] success story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Atlantis crumbles and citizens die in the climax]'' For Herc, these are just acceptable losses. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase]'' :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. :'''Servo''': Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' We're failures, Tommy; failures! :'''Joel''': No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward. :'''Servo''': I don't even '''have''' '''''a foot'''''! ''[cries again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! ''[pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]'' :'''Hercules''': You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. ''[Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]'' :'''Antinea''': On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed. :'''Ismene''': Mother, you can't mean- :'''Antinea''': You must die. :'''Crow''': Boy, she's really strict. :'''Ismene''': No... I don't want to die. :'''Servo''': ''[mock crying]'' I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live! :'''Joel''': ''[as Antinea]'' You stop or I'll give you something to cry about. :''[Antinea's guards arrive]'' :'''Antinea''': Take her away. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]'' :'''Servo''': Remember the Alamo! :'''Crow''': Storm the Bastille! :'''Joel''': Give us Barabbas! :'''All''': Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple]'' :'''All''': ''[as the pile of bodies]'' ''[[Bye Bye Birdie|We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy''': Don't patronize me, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :[''as Atlantis crumbles in the climax''] :'''Queen Antinea''': ''[pleading to a statue of their god Uranus]'' You must protect me, mighty Uranus! :'''Joel''': ''[as Uranus]'' Bite me; I'm a statue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timoteo''': ''[after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles]'' I really would've prefered he hit somebody. :'''Crow''': ''[as Androcles]'' Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the film draws to a close, and the screen pans out to Hercules' boat sailing into the horizon with the heroes on it]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in a Jamaican accent]'' Come back to Atlantis! :'''Joel''': Make it Atlantis again, man! :'''Servo''': Now let's hear Herc regale in the tale one more time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the S.O.L. crew celebrate having gotten through (seemingly) the last Hercules movie they were subjected through]'' :'''Servo''': Hercules, wherever you are out there in the ancient Greek Pantheon, I just want to say... bite me! === [[w:Manhunt in Space|Manhunt in Space]] === :''[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Crow]'' Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. :'''Crow''': Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go? :'''Servo''': No, I'm afraid it's '''far worse''' than ''that''. :'''Crow''': Please, Doc, tell me what it is! :'''Servo''': Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame! :'''Servo''': You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood. :'''Crow''': Oh, Chad... :'''Gypsy''': ''[enters as a nurse]'' You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!! :'''Servo''': My dear, I can explain! :'''Gypsy''': I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- ''[to Crow]'' Hey; nice butt! :''[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]'' :'''Servo''': I can comfort you, I can- :'''Joel''': What's going on here? :'''Servo''': Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator! :'''Joel''': No, I'm not! :'''Servo''': Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia! :'''Joel''': You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. ''[Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music]'' Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! ''[unplugs Cambot in irritation]'' '''Who's next?!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]'' :'''Winky's Mom''': ''[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house]'' Winky! Telephone! :'''Winky''': ''[flustered]'' Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over! :'''Winky's Mom''': What?! :'''Servo''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky]'' You think we were a little too hard on him? :'''Joel''': Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 1 (short) ==== :''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An elderly [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient]'' The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes. ==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Tin Man (America song)|Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have]]. :'''Crow''': ''[of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl]'' I wanted to '''''hoerl''''' after I read the screenplay. ''[Servo makes fake retching noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''{{hnote|Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky expresses concern for Vena after she hasn't contacted the Ranger team back, while Winky lounges back with a magazine]'' :'''Winky''': Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife. :'''Joel''': ''[briefly taken aback]'' Ah; insert joke here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky Jones and Bobby are discussing the Cold Light technology they plan to use on their journey]'' :'''Rocky''': So you already know from the Professor. :'''Bobby''': Yes, we discussed it; and I offered him my opinion on it. :'''Rocky''': I'm sure he appreciated that. :'''Bobby''': Cold Light should never be used indiscriminately; the gamma rays would be fatal to anyone near it. :'''Servo''': ''[aside]'' Remember that, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while tag-along kid Space Ranger Bobby is on-screen with Rocky and the others]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Bobby, disgruntled]'' One day, all of you space losers are going to be working for '''''me''''', and I mean it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of Queen Cleolanta]'' Oh; she's angry when she's beautiful! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself]'' :'''Atlasan''': If that is what you wish, your Highness... :'''Queen Cleolanta''': No; it is what I '''''command'''''. :'''Crow''': And we know what weight that carries. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack]'' :'''Crow''': Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever! :'''Servo''': ''[as Winky]'' I think she likes me! === [[w:Tormented (1960 film)|Tormented]] === :''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]'' :'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! :'''Crow''': Bingo! : . . . :''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]'' :'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me! :'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. :'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please! :'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad. :'''Servo''': Somebody ''kelp'' me! Ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]'' :'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me. :'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! :'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. :'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vi''': ''[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer]'' I told you already- no-one will ever have you but '''me'''! :'''Tom''': Stop it, Vi! :'''Vi''': Try me... ''[starts shouting]'' TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME! :'''Joel''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in! :''[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' Let's go bowling. ''[drops the sack down the steps of their building]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Vi, tumbling down the steps]'' T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[exorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help]'' I wanna be taller than you, and more popular. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ''[She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]'' :'''Joel''': It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace! :'''Servo''': Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... [[w:Neil Young|Neil Young]]! === [[w:The Beatniks (film)|The Beatniks]] === :''[Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two. :'''Joel''': No, ma'am! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel]'' '''''GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him]'' My achin' noggin... :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins! :'''Joel''': Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning! :'''Servo''': Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse! :'''Crow''': Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there. :'''Gypsy''': Enough, you three! [[w:Freebie_and_the_Bean|Freebie and the Bean are calling.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank demonstrate their Good Luck Troll costumes, as Frank protests]'' :'''Frank''': Can we just get on with this, please? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Shut up, Frank; or I'll let the dog play with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is ''dickweed'' a swear word? :'''Joel/Servo''': ''[at the same time]'' No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no. :'''Servo''': Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed." :''[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]'' :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': Where'd she go man, where'd she go?! :'''Joel''': Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy! :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': I did it for you, Eddie! :'''Joel''': Oh great, he's on moon mode again... :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you! :'''Servo''': That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of. :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's it, That's it! ''[Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]'' ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 2 (short) ==== :'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there... <hr width=50%> :''[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]'' :'''Joel''': Congratulations, you're one second into the film! :'''Crow''': Oh no! The plaster's coming off! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies. :'''Joel''': Booze takes a dull party and makes it better! :'''Tom Servo''': Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. :'''All singing in unison''': B-double O-Z-E, booze! ''[Crow hiccups]'' ==== The Beatniks (movie) ==== :''[as Eddie and the others rob a shopkeeper at the start of the film]'' :'''Shopkeeper''': Don't you ever rob anybody else?! :'''Eddie''': Sure; but we like you! :'''Joel''': ''[as Iris, sitting in the getaway car]'' I thought they liked me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Moony''': Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. ''[makes a cracking noise and laughs]'' :'''Crow''': I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Leather coat... :'''Servo''': ...Dish of ice cream! :'''Eddie''': ''...duck-bill hair.'' :'''Crow''': ''[as café patron]'' Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here! :'''Eddie''': ''Call me wild...'' :'''Joel''': ...Oscar Wilde! :'''Eddie''': ''...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Anything...'' :'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Moony''': ''I'' killed that fat Barkeep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddie''': ''[recurring line]'' Shut up, Iris. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moony''': I'm gonna '''''moon''''' you!! :'''Crow''': ''[as Moony]'' Y'know, hang my butt out! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Then we can ride [[w:Yoshi|Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom]]. === [[w:Fire Maidens from Outer Space|Fire Maidens of Outer Space]] === <div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS"> :''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' <!-- ADDED TO SUPPORT WP Crow T. Robot ARTICLE --> :'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!" :'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right? :'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! :'''Servo''': All right, yeah! :'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!" :'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!" :'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm! :'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" :'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the dark robot Timmy first appears after Joel and the bots leave the room for first Commercial Sign]'' :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Timmy snarls and attacks Cambot]'' Who are you?! What are you doing here; keep away! '''''Cambot; look out!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as one of the astronauts shoots the monster and it lets out a pained monstrous groan]'' Oh; [it's] [[Frankenstein (1931 film)|Frankenstein]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I question the relevance of this scene. :'''Servo''': I question the relevance of '''''every''''' scene. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the specter-like robot Timmy has trapped Servo in a cocoon on the bridge, while Joel arrives with a broom to hold Timmy back as he attacks Crow]'' :'''Joel''': ''[[Aliens (film)|Let go of him, you bitch]]''! </div> === [[w:Crash of Moons|Crash of Moons]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''':Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you! :'''Gypsy''': Really? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could-- :'''Crow''': Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy? :'''Gypsy''': I can't decide. :'''Crow''': Can't decide? Well maybe this will help. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down]'' :'''Joel''': Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram! :'''Bavaro''': Boopie! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[screams as screen cuts to black]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Hi, Bavaro. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 3 (short) ==== :''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]'' :'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken? :'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]'s not anatomically correct, but… ==== Crash of Moons (movie) ==== :''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]'' :'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hup, 2, 3, 4! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film… :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]'' :'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. :'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?! :'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. :'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]] === [[w:The Eye Creatures|Attack of the the Eye Creatures]] === :''[Upon seeing the misspelling in the film's title]'' :'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles? <hr width="50%"/> :''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]'' :'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off! :'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold! :'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police? :'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]'' :'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' <!-- PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THE FOLLOWING QUOTE GROUP, AS IT IS REFERENCED IN Wikipedia article "The Eye Creatures". --> :'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. : . . . :'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. : . . . :'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care! === [[w:The Rebel Set|The Rebel Set]] === :'''Servo''': ''[in terror as Joel reads [[w:H. Jackson Brown, Jr.|Life's Little Instruction Book]] to him and Crow]'' [[Apocalypse Now|The humor; the humor!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[slowly]'' "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?" :'''Joel''': Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone. :'''Servo''': ''[offscreen]'' HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE! ==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned. :'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. :'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery." :'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares? :'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]]. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around]'' :'''Servo''': And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". :'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds]'' :'''Servo''': Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]'' :'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]'' :'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]'' :'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" :'''Servo''': What? :'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady. ==== The Rebel Set (movie) ==== :'''John Mapes''': ''[introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl]'' Look, Kate, I am a gentleman. :'''"Kate"''': ''That I'll try.'' :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, great; another oily unlikable character! :'''John Mapes''': I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again! :'''"Kate"''': ''So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.'' :'''Servo''': It's Ms. Hathaway! :'''"Kate"''': ''And if no gentleman, why then no arm?'' :'''John Mapes''': A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books! :'''"Kate"''': ''Ha-ha, what is your crest?'' ''[loops]'' ''A coxcomb? A coxcomb?'' :'''Servo''': ''[alongside the loop]'' A Henry Miller. :'''Joel''': ''[as Mapes shuts off the record]'' Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen]'' :'''Servo''': You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- ''[[w:The Giant Gila Monster|I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing...]]'' :'''Crow and Joel''': Oh no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Invader''': ''[whilst reciting beat poetry]'' Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears... :'''Cafe Patron's Husband''': ''[sarcastically while clapping]'' Bravo, old Majesty! :'''King Invader''': ''[in a bitterly sardonic tone]'' Thank you, old square... :'''Joel''': Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cafe Patron''': ''[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving]'' King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. :'''Crow''': ''[as patron]'' My husband's very hip at home! :'''King Invader''': ''[short pause]'' I am bugged...! :'''Joel''': God of facial hair! :'''King Invader''': ...beyond recall! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after thwarting Tucker's double crossing over the ownership of the heist money, John Mapes willingly surrenders to the police, leaving his wife Jeanne behind as the film ends]'' :'''Servo''': So, uh... all this happened because Johnny got lost in the fair? === [[w:The Human Duplicators|The Human Duplicators]] === :''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]'' :'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''! :''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]'' :'''Crow''': ...Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gale''': So say something! :'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!" :'''Martin''': "Something." :'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat! :''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. :''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that? :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh. :''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner! :''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]'' :'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators! :'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? :'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— :'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough. :'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]'' :'''Welles''': Welles here. :'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]'' :'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]'' :'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]'' :'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge. === [[w:Monster a Go-Go|Monster a Go-Go]] === ==== Circus on Ice (short) ==== :''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]'' :'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice! :'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus! :'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together! :''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: These two girls, they make quite a pair. :: They both come from your worst night-mare. :: They will haunt your soul forever, :: And now, ::: When you see pink, ::: You're gonna think, :: "We're doomed". :: They are agents of Satan... :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom... <hr width='50%'/> :''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]'' :'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! :. . . :'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! :'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...'' :. . . :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']]. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! :'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''! :. . . :'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them. ==== Monster a Go-Go (movie) ==== :''[Over the film's title]'' :'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. :'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad... :'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... :'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! :'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. :'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. :'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. :'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it... :'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]'' :'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]'' :'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then? :'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help. :'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help. :'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! :'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster walks towards a group of sunbathing women]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as the monster]'' Hi I'm from the boy's camp across the lake, our backup generator exploded. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelievable... :''[Servo bursts out into laughter]'' :'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes? :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops". :'''Narrator''': ..."radiation". :'''Servo''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the ending of the film as the monster seemingly vanishes without a trace]'' :'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked; as if some phantom force in the universe made a move eons beyond our comprehension... :'''Servo''': As if we '''''care'''''. === [[w:Sampo (film)|The Day the Earth Froze]] === :''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you? :'''Crow''': I don't know. :'''Crow''': You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, the light meter, Joel! ''[Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well right as he reaches for it.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel:''' Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is. :'''Crow:''' Not a clue. :'''Servo''': If ''you'' know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. :'''All:''' Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy! :'''Joel''': Here we go! :'''Crow''': Ssshh! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud]'' :'''Gypsy''': Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :''[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath]'' "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you. :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.]'' :'''Gypsy''': "I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you. :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily]'' You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again]'' :'''Joel & Servo''': Yay! :'''Gypsy''': Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me! ==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ==== :''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''! :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown! :'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. :''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]'' :'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]'' :'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. :'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? :'''Servo''': Oops. :'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't '''begin''' to understand! :'''Crow''': [[w:Nazi salute|Sieg heil! Sieg heil]]! :'''Joel''': Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up? :'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. :'''Joel''': That's better. :'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons. :'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. :''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. :'''Servo''': That's good. :'''Joel''': No, it really is. :'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel. :''[As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Liza Minnelli|Liza]]! :''[A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hellraiser|HELLRAISER!]]! NO!!! :''[The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]'' :'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this. :''[Shot of the crowd cheering]'' :'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a trapeze artist swings]'' :'''Joel''': It's a living! :'''Crow''': Mother, please come home! :'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]! :'''Joel''': Oh, stop it! :'''Servo''': She does! Look! :'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. :'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]'' :'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! :'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them. :'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]'' :'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]! :. . . :'''Crow''': Flipped her off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! :'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right. :'''Joel''': Levi's loose fitting clown jeans. :''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow gasps]'' Huh? ''Oh, no! No, no'' — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No! :''[One clown spanks, sweeps and smacks the other's behind with a hand broom.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative! :'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening... Oh, no... :''[They continue to complain and mumble "no" repeatedly as one clown hits the other's behind with their foot and then with a mallet.]'' :'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a ''bad'' clown! Ha ha ha ha! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': High above the crowd, [[w:Dag Hammarskjöld|Dag Hammarskjöld]] takes to the trapeze! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in. :'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clown rings a bell.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]! :''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]'' :'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! :'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. :'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! :'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. :'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. :'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''! :'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha. :''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]'' :'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]'' :'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? :. . . :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! :'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... :'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': A rogue elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie. :'''Servo''': NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus. ==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ==== :''[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, :'''Joel''': ...they're [[w:Gollum|Gollum.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]'' :'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]] :'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]'' :'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. :'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts? :'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]'' :'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you! :'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]'' :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Bullwinkle]''': Will somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]'' :'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? :'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer. :'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. :''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]'' :'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! :''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]'' :'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! :'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]'' :'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]] === [[w:Bride of the Monster|Bride of the Monster]] === ==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ==== :''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]]. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, the sequel is ''Hired 2: Laid Off''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''? Assault with a deadly weapon?! :'''Crow [as Warren]''': AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?! :'''Joel [as Warren]''': What? He got a D in trigonometry? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': I'd fire him if he weren't my son. :''[Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Are you there, Lord? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hello, wall. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it. :''[Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car! :'''Joel''': Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': If I could read, I'd know what the problem is. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]' :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[[in a whisper]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I hope I don't get fired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I got a job today. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm selling Chevrolets. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm bringing home good pay. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I just got hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Yeah, me! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's selling Chevrolets. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' We're gonna get awnings. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's bringing home good pay. :'''Joel''': [singing] I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Maybe even dessert :'''Joel''': [singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He just got hired! HIRED! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' I was wondering if you’d like to see my- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' But I really think you should see my- :'''Servo''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' It’s got a lovely- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' And if only you would- :'''Crow''': No! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Come on and have some lemonade! ==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ==== :''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away two hunters during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]'' :'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': ''[as he's strapped to an operating table]'' What are you doing to me?.. :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': you're gonna be [[w:Myra Breckinridge|Myra Breckinridge.]] :'''Dr. Vornoff''': You will soon be as big as giant, :'''Crow''': But it's not covered by his insurance. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': with the strength of twenty men, :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Give or take a few. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Or-- :'''Servo [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': --Not. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Like all the others; dead. :''[As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony]'' :'''Crow [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Oops! :''[As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine]'' :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Well, so much for the giant theory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Janet''': ''[As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.]'' DICK! :'''Crow''': ''[as Janet]'' Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Green Acres|You are my wife]]! :'''Servo''': ''[high-pitched voice]'' [[w:Green Acres|Goodbye, City Life]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick horror and dismay.]'' :'''Joel ''': Well, calamari, anybody? :'''Servo''': That was ''one'' unstable octopus. :'''Joel [as Capt. Robbins]''': Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me. :'''Servo [as Capt. Robbins]''': Wait, how did he do that? :'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain. :'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight. :''[the credits get shown]'' :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Joel''': Mhm. :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Crow''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Loser. ''[Joel and Crow laugh]'' [[w:Harvey B. Dunn|Harvey B. Loser]]. George Bec-loser. [[w:Paul Marco|Paul Loser Marco]]. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. [[w:Bud Osborne|Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne]]. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... ''[they get up to leave]'' :'''Crow''': But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer? :'''Servo''': The drunk was ''real'' good. :'''Crow''': Oh, yeah! === [[w:Manos: The Hands of Fate|Manos: The Hands of Fate]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[introducing the movie]'' Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: '''"Manos": The Hands of Fate''', served with a short: the stirring conclusion to ''Hired!''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! ==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ==== :''[The short begins]'' :'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! :'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. :'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis! :'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]'' :'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. :'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Warren''': ''[instructing his employees of what his old collegaues Harry had him do]'' I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me- :'''Crow''': ''[as Warren]'' -was Harry! ''[Joel scoffs at Crow]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]'' :'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]'' :'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]]&thinsp;]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner? ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? :'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute. :'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]'' :'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]'' :'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo. :'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo? : . . . :'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]'' :'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Debbie walks around with the Master's dog]'' :'''Crow [as Debbie]''': It's a devil and it's fun! :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]'' :'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking? :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]]. : . . . :'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. :'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point. :'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]]. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes. :'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]. :'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''. :'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants! : . . . :'''Servo''': You know, this isn't ''[[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]''. I ''like'' it, but it isn't ''Lysistrata''! : . . . :'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup. : . . . :'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Master''': Silence! :'''Joel''': Is golden! :'''The Master''': ''Silence!'' :'''Joel''': ''Is golden!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master points towards someting off-screen]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dramatically]'' Pull my finger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo… :'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here. :'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.]'' :'''Crow''': I wish those hands would just push him over! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo... :'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? :. . . :'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the end credits roll...]'' :'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew! :'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. :'''Servo''': Where to start? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]'' :'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! :'''Joel''': No. Always wonder. :''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]'' :'''Servo''': COME ON! :''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! :'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate. :''[They leave the theater.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]'' :'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! :''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]'' :'''Torgo''': They always do that! == Season 5 == === [[w:Warrior of the Lost World|Warrior of the Lost World]] === :'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival? :'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]'' :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that! <hr width="50%"/> :''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. === [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]] === :''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules is choking a lion.]'' :'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]'' :'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]'' :'''Crow''': There will be patches of scattered god today. === [[w:Swamp Women|Swamp Diamonds]] === ==== What to Do on a Date (short) ==== :''[The titles appear.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha! :''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating? :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you? :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?! :'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much. :'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave? : . . . :'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''. :'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me. :'''Nick''': Where's my racket? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]'' :'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that? :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head. :''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]'' :'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas! :'''Joel''': The lunch menu? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]]. ==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ==== :''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land! === [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|Secret Agent Super Dragon]] === :''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]'' :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls... === [[w:Sadko (film)|The Magic Voyage of Sinbad]] === :''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]'' :'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]'' :'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It seems as if everybody who's anybody is here tonight. :'''Crow''': That's because they knew you'd be wearing that dress. Wow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[laughing a little too hard]'' We were wondering... what would ''you'' do if Sinbad came to your town? ''[laughs again]'' Wouldn't you want the city council to do something about it? Let's watch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': That wasn't Sinbad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': WHO ARE YOU!?!? === [[w:Eegah|Eegah!]] === :''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]'' :'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove. :. . . :'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse. <hr width="50%"> :''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]'' :'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah! :'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie! :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]'' :'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]'' :'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here. :'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him. :'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]'' :'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]'' :'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do? :'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel. :'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy... :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]] :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a dress store]'': :'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''! :''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me. === [[w:I Accuse My Parents|I Accuse My Parents]] === :''[Servo has Crow cover him in skin-color paint to fufill his desire to be a "real boy"]'' :'''Servo''': The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of! :'''Joel''': Really, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome! :'''Servo''': Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing. :'''Joel''': Why? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only '''one''' Tom Servo! :'''Servo''': I want to run and jump and skin my knees! :'''Crow''': You don't have any legs. :'''Servo''': I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole. :'''Crow''': Your arms don't even work. :'''Servo''': ''[starting to become forlorn]'' I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings! :'''Crow''': ''[bluntly]'' You'll get beat up, because you're a freak. :'''Servo''': ''[sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him]'' Oh; now I ''know'' I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel presents his Invention Exchange piece- the Junk Drawer Organizer, making a place for all the assorted bits and rubbish that fill up the junk drawer]'' :'''Crow''': How many times have you been rummaging through wondering to yourself "''Where did I put that gun?''". Well, now there's a place for it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank absent-mindedly baked a Chippendales dancer into the Mads' latest experiment "Cake n' Shake"; the dancer's (still alive) hand poking out of the half-disassembled cake]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, hey! :'''Dr. Forrester''': The Jaws of Life, Frank! Get the Jaws of Life! :'''TV's Frank''': ''[offers the dancer his slice of cake]'' Cake? . . . :''[after finally digging the dancer free at the end of the episode]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Sorry we missed you, Joel. We almost came this close to losing- :'''Dancer''': Rodney. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Right! Almost lost Rodney. I apologize for all of this; I'd like to make it worth your while. ''[offers him tip money, while Rodney starts a strip-tease dance]'' No thank you, it's fine. You've done enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project? :'''Gypsy''': Mm-hmm. :'''Tom Servo''': Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh? :'''Joel''': Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... . :''[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]'' :'''Servo''': Huh. :'''Crow''': That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww! :'''Gypsy''': Ooh! :'''Crow ''': I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path! :'''Gypsy''': Ahh... . :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache? :'''Crow''': Uh... .I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see here. ''[writes]'' "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this? :''[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]'' :'''Servo''': Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass. :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom? :'''Servo''': I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see... . ''[writes]'' "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." ''[aside whisper]'' Man should be in a straitjacket! ''[addresses Gypsy]'' Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one? :''[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]'' :''Gypsy''': Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God? :'''Gypsy''': I dunno. :'''Crow''': Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots? :'''Joel''': Um... .I don't know. :''[Short but awkward silence]'' :'''Joel''': I'm kidding, of course. :''[Commercial sign]'' :'''Joel''': We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie]'' Jim's crazy- :'''Crow''': '''And''' stupid. :'''Servo''': -crazy for accusing his par~ents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh well, We'll have to take it from the top. ==== The Truck Farmer (short) ==== :''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]'' :'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents... :'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences. :'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]'' :'''Crow''': Aah! It's [[w:Killdozer! (film)|Killdozer!]] [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker]], no! :'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares? :'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them. :'''Joel''': Early [[w:tractor pulling|tractor pulls]], not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition. :'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes. :'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]'' :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer, go! : . . . :'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day. :'''Joel''': What's that? :'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]'' :'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]'' :'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used. :'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help. :'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice! : . . . :''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen. :'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem... :'''Crow''': Texans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]'' :'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]'' :'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? ==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ==== :''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corporation) logo...]'' :'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the title sequence]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Jimmy's trial...]'' :'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor... :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]! :'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents! :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie]'' Liar! Liar! Liar! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy... :'''Crow''': Define "happy!" :'''Kitty''': ...In your work... :'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]'' :'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]'' :'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now! :'''Crow''': I accuse her hair! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty singing another song, while internally still thinking about Jimmy]'' :'''Kitty''': Why did you leave me? :'''Joel''': You told him to! :'''Kitty''': Please, hear my plea- :'''Servo''': '''Not guilty'''! :'''Kitty''': -Where can you be? :'''Crow''': The audience is frankly stunned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy is found not guilty of murdering crime boss Blake after explaining the whole story in court, but instead sentenced to probation under his family's care for his complecancy in Blake's string of robberies]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Jimmy]'' Thank God I'm white! === [[w:O.K. Connery|Operation Double 007]] === :''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays! :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors? :'''Servo''': Joel, none of us having working arms. :'''Joel''': '''''I know'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]'' :'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened. :'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened... === [[w:The Girl in Lovers Lane|The Girl in Lovers Lane]] === :''[Singing to the opening credits theme]'' :'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane... :'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- ''[the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]'' :'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat. :'''Bix''': That's a good idea. :'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. :''[The two enter a diner.]'' :'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat? :'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny. :'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]'' :: The 5:15 from Duluth, :: Oh my! It just derailed! :: The toxic waste is spillin', :: The conductor's been impaled. :: A benzene cloud has risen :: And the whole town's startin' to cough. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' :: Within a matter of day-eeez, :: All of our skin will fall off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]'' :'''Bathing Woman''': ''[to Bix]'' Are you in the right room now? :'''Servo''': ''[as Bix]'' Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life! :'''Crow''': ''[as Bix]'' If this room is '''wrong''', I don't wanna be '''''right'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]'' :'''Jesse''': I want the girl (Carrie). :'''Bix''': I told you, she's busy. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jesse]'' Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carrie lets out a loud scream as she dies in Bix's arms, alarming a young couple in the park]'' :'''Crow''': Oh; [[w:Edvard Munch|Edvard Munch]] was here! :'''Woman''': What was that? :'''Servo''': ''[as man]'' I don't know- I just arrived in this film. . . . :''[the man in the couple runs back to the car after seeing Bix holding the dead Carrie close]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as man]'' We drove onto a movie set; let's get out of here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]'' :'''Bix''': I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her! :'''Carrie's Father''': You '''''loved her'''''?! ''[throws a punch to Bix's jaw]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Carrie's Father]'' That's great! :'''Carrie's Father''': She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself! :'''Joel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]'' :'''Crow''': Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom. . . . :'''Servo''': See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood! :'''Crow''': ''[aside to Servo]'' (To) Florida (actually). :'''Servo''': ...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home. :'''Crow''': Now '''that's''' a better ending! === [[w:The Painted Hills|The Painted Hills]] === ==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ==== :''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]'' :'''Narrator''': Ah, spring! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then. :'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to... :'''Crow''': Underpants. :'''Narrator''': ...Love. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of slovenly girl.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair! :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair! :'''Narrator''': And that blouse! :'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking! :... :''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]'' :'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being! :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you! :. . . :''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose. :. . . :'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! :''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]'' :'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]'' :'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes— :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral. :'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous. :'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles. :'''Crow''': Skin sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]'' :'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming. : . . . :'''Narrator''': And you... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel! :'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight. :''[As we fade out...]'' :'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! :'''Crow''': You're next! :''[A few more names appear]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow. :'''Crow''': I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You. :'''Gypsy''': Tom Servo, :'''Servo''': Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you, :'''Gypsy''': And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict. :'''Joel''': Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right. :'''Crow''': Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right! :'''Servo''': Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue. :'''Joel''': Well, how's that? :'''Servo''': A spitting contest! :''[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey! ==== The Painted Hills (movie) ==== :''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]'' :'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked! :'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy... :'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]'' :'''Servo''': How did that corral get there?<br> :'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]'' :'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]'' :'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES! === [[w:Gunslinger (film)|Gunslinger]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] in her pre-[[w:Scarecrow and Mrs. King|Dotty]] period. :'''TV's Frank''': Beverly Garland. ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[As the criminals start moving]'' Ah, cue the horses! :'''Crow''': ''[Under his breath]'' Corman... :'''Servo''': ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar. :'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]'' :'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall! :'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here... :'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cain''': Only the good die young. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]'' :'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec! :''[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]'' :'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores! :'''Servo''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]'' :'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes... :'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck. :. . . :'''Servo [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! === [[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]] === :''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] :'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s— :'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Ee-gah... :'''Crow''': Shtemlo. :'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]... :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]'' :'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance. :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off. :'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green. :'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]'' :'''Joel''': Baby oil! :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH! :'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]'' :'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? :''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]'' :'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell... :'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you :'''Mitchell''': 'Well, I don't like your mother. :'''Kid''': Why not? :'''Mitchell''': Why not? :'''Kid'''': No, why not? :'''Mitchell''': No, why not? :'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Servo''': Tonight on Crossfire. :'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Kid''': I'm not! :'''Mitchell''': Well ''I'm'' not! :'''Kid''': You are! :'''Mitchell''': Buzz off! :'''Kid''': What? :'''Mitchell''': What? :'''Kid''': What did you say? :'''Mitchell''': What'd you say? :'''Kid''': Did you say something? :'''Servo''': ''[losing it]'' '''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell? :'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]'' :'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say? :'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently committing some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]'' :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]'' :'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! === [[w:The Brain That Wouldn't Die|The Brain That Wouldn't Die]] === :''[In the operating room...]'' :'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in. :'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. : . . . :''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]'' :'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car? :''[Cut to them driving.]'' :'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car. :'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? :''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]'' :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]'' :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey? : . . . :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy? : . . . :''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]'' :'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him! :'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]'' :'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]'' :'''Crow''': They saved [[w:The Flying Nun|Sister Bertrille]]'s brain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]'' :'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out. :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''. :''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]'' :'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]]. : . . . :'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe. : . . . :'''Mike [as Stripper]''': This dance represents that there are ''no baked potatoes'' until ''after five''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]'' :'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs? :'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]'' :'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me. :'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]'' :'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]'' :'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN! :'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cortner.]'' :'''Joel [as Cortner]''': Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me! :''[The monster shoves Cortner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]'' :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': There, see? ''Now'' you can kill me! You can use the door! : . . . :''[The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]'' :'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew! === [[w:Teen-Age Strangler|Teen-Age Strangler]] === ==== Is This Love? (short) ==== :''[Reading the title card]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the college dorm room]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed. :''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh. :'''Liz''': Hi, Peg! :''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead. :'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something. :'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other. :'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is! :'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything! :'''Peg''': It's the real thing. :'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy. :'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is ending.]'' :'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey? :'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]] :'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love? :'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. :''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]'' :'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the [[w:Clarence Thomas Supreme Court nomination#Sexual harassment allegations|Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill hearing]]. :'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. :''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?" :'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?" :''[Mike and the Bots continue with fake titles.]'' :'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments" :'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?" :'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough" :'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation" :'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!" :'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]" ==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ==== :''[As a girl is strangled]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]! === [[w:The Wild World of Batwoman|The Wild Wild World of Batwoman]] === :'''Gypsy''': Should I spit on your dice now, or not, or...? ==== Cheating (short) ==== :''[Reading the opening cards]'' :'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens over a large clock.]'' :'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''! :''[The clock strikes ominously.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A phone rings.]'' :'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. :''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': Why don't they call? :'''Crow''': Because they don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it? :'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat! :'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh? :'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed. :'''Crow''': Split it open now! :'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach. :'''Servo''': On a doily. :'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance. :''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. :''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you? :'''Crow''': Or was it lust? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. :''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative. :''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]'' :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat. :'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please. :''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]'' :'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! :''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]'' :'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny! :. . . :'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins. <hr width="50%"/> :''Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.'' :'''Johnny:''' Hey, Jim. What's that? :'''Jim:''' Meetin' of the student council. :'''Mike [as Jim]:''' They're hangin' you in effigy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest? :'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A question mark appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind. :'''Servo''': Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame? :'''Mike''': Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game? :'''Gypsy''': Which begs the question of free will. What about free will? :'''Servo''': Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself? :'''Mike''': Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow? :'''Crow''': Uh, the Beatles! :'''Servo''': You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order-- :'''Servo''': '''GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!''' :'''Gypsy''': Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_quality_of_mercy_(Shakespeare_quote) The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.] :'''Tom''': Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay. :'''Gypsy''': Really?... '''FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Untouchables_(film) I WANT HIS FAMILY ''DEAD!'' I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!]''' :'''Mike''': Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy? :'''Crow''': ''[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup]'' Ah, would you like some soup? :'''Mike''': Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- ''[realizes it's Crow]'' Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! ''[Crow leaves quickly]'' All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be? :'''Servo''': Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike? :'''Mike''': Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself. :'''Servo''': ''[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax]'' Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience. :'''Mike''': We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! ''[Takes the cloth off of Servo]'' :'''Crow''': Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start? :'''Gypsy''': Should we listen? We're shunning him. :'''Mike''': No, we should listen. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting. :'''Crow''': : If it pleases the court? :'''Mike''': ''[hammering with a gavel]'' It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! ''[lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]'' :'''Crow''': : As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains. :'''Gypsy''': You know, it's really true. :'''Crow''': Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex. :'''Gypsy''': Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? ''[Mike hushes her up]'' :'''Crow''': If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have-- :'''Gypsy''': ''[getting agitated]'' He copied my whole paper-- :'''Crow''': ...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain. :'''Servo''': Can we just kill him now?? :'''Crow''': Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy-- :'''Gypsy''': HE STOLE MY '''''FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!''''' :'''Servo''': DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN! :'''Crow''': And I forgive myself. Thank you. ''[lights come up]'' I await your verdict. :'''Mike''': Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology. :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry. :'''Mike''': The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! ''[Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.''[The 'Bots cheer.]'' :'''Servo''': I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry! ==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Sobriety coin|40-year TV medallion]]. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors! :'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh? :''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]'' :'''Mike''': Whahappa? :'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes! :''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]]. :'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]'' :'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in. :'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha&mdash; that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed! :'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell. :''' Mike''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me. : '''Servo''': Me too. :'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]'' :'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!'' :''[And now, at last, the film ends.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world! :'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you! === [[w:Alien from L.A.|Alien from L.A.]] === :''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son? :'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir. :'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches! :'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir! :'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''! :'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared... :'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon... :'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath! :'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]]. :'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy? :'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo! :'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?'' :'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't? :'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!'' :'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back. :'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!'' :'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]'' :'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction. : . . . :'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]'' :'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque! :'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill. :'''Crow''': Have you <i>been</i> to Istanbul? :'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]'' :'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue! :'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]'' :'''Wanda''': Dad? :'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]'' :'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice? :'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could! === [[w:Beginning of the End (film)|Beginning of the End]] === :''[All three are sitting in the front seat; Audrey is driving, Ed in the center:]'' :'''Mike [as Audrey]''': Wait, this isn't a stick shift... ''AAGGGHHH!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em! :. . . :'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God! :. . . :''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts! <hr width="50%"> :''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago. <hr width="50%"> :''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]'' :'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois. === [[w:Monstrosity (film)|The Atomic Brain]] === :''[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]'' :'''Mike''': So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again? :'''Servo''': Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU! :'''Mike''': You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that. :'''Crow''': Servo, you're gonna die in space. :'''Gypsy''': Crow! He might not. :'''Servo''': That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! ''[gets raised]'' :'''Mike''': ''[whispering]''Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite. :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' I know, just send the poor dope out to space. :'''Gypsy''': Don't die! :'''Servo''': Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--''[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen]'' Boy! ''[audibly shivering throughout forecast]'' It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold? :'''Crow''': Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine! :'''Mike''': Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay? :'''Servo''': Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here! :'''Gypsy''': He's dead meat. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! ''[Servo suddenly screams loud and long]'' :'''Mike''': Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! ''[Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that'll happen. :'''Gypsy''': Servo, are you all right? :'''Mike''': Servo, buddy, speak to me! :'''Servo''': Well, ''[coughs]'' I'm not cold anymore. ''[coughs]'' :'''Mike''': I better start fixin' you up. :'''Crow''': Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that? :'''Mike''': NO! You can't. You cannot do that. :'''Crow''': I wanna do that, I'm doing that next. :'''Mike''': We'll be right back. :'''Servo''': Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha! ==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ==== :''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]'' :'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve? : . . . :'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]'' :'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already! :'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it? :'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name! ==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ==== :''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]''' :'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!'' :'''Servo:''' ''Lady...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]'' :'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]'' :'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]'' :'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]'' :'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain? :'''Mike''': I don't know... === [[w:Outlaw of Gor|Outlaw]] === :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo are playing around.]'' :'''Gypsy''': This is not a gymnasium! :'''Crow''': Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun! :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, it’s fun until somebody ''dies!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mike throws Servo into the air, he's stuck in the rafters.]'' :'''Mike''': Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya. :'''Servo''': But I'm scared! :'''Mike''': Don't be ridiculous. Come on. :'''Servo''': Okay, here I come. :''[Servo falls... right behind Mike.]'' :'''Gypsy''': We can't have nice things, can we? :'''Servo''': Ow, ow, help me, Mike. :'''Mike''': Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. :'''Crow''': ''(Noticing the Mads' light)'' Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, You guys look like Fabio! ''[Laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'': :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...'' :'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]'' :'''Crow''': I hate this movie already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot? :'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]'' :'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield? :''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]'' :'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Where the hell am I? :'''Mike''': You're the hell here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot? :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting! :'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba! :'''Watney''': What? :'''Cabot''': Koruba. :''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]'' :'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot. :'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him... :'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh? :'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now! :'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard''': Who are you? :'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot. :'''Guard''': Cabot? :''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]'' :'''Peasant #1''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #2''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #3''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #4''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #5''': Cabot! :'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. <hr width="50%"> :''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]'' :'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression! :'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]'' :'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities! :'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A beaten and bloodied Cabot is brought before Queen Lara.]'' :'''Queen Lara''': ''[accusing Xenos]'' What have you done to the prisoner? :'''Servo [as Jack Palance]''': Uh, we canceled it. [[w:The_Prisoner|It was too obscure.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jack Palance's character Xenos is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]'' :'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about? :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Lara''': ''[in phenomenally bad [[w:Automated_dialogue_replacement|ADR]]]'' Get out of here! You dis''gust''ing worm! :'''Xenos''': At once... your... Royal... Highness. :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': Now... if... you'll... ex...cuse me, I'm going to go... tear my... agent a new... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]'' :'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it. :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight." :'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?" :'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard." :'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping." :'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap." :'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?" :''[all shudder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, well. :'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film? :'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''? :'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think? :'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]]. :'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''." :'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''." :'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"? :'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!" :'''Crow''': I like it! :'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah. :'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!" :'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"! :'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"? :'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''." :'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"? :'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen. :'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!" :'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''." :'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''." :'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!" :'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''." :'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good. === [[w:Radar Secret Service|Radar Secret Service]] === ==== [[w:Last Clear Chance|Last Clear Chance]] (short) ==== :''[Title of short appears]'' :'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with cars driving into a cemetery]'' :'''Crow''': Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party! :'''Servo''': Save some for me! :''[A pink car can be seen]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car. :'''Mike''': Never let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I suppose I should have gone in for a few minutes... :''[The picture suddenly loses focus and moves up and down for a second]'' :'''Patrolman''': ...but I just couldn't do it. :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': Because of the tear in the sprocket holes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I could say goodbye from here. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': GOODBYE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Frank's girl Betty Hutkins was waiting for him, of course. Everyone knew they'd be getting married before too long. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': When will we be getting married? :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Before too long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others. :'''Crow''': "All Nude Girls". :'''Servo''': "Whites Only". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr. :. . . :'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs... :'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived. :'''Patrolman''': ...this train might come as a surprise to you. :'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other follow, not for good drivers like themselves. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': They're communists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As woman walks away from car]'' :'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': I'd tuck you in, but you're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive. :'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]'' :'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often... :'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. :''[An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]'' :'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say-- :'''Servo''': AAAAAH! :''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]'' :'''Servo''': That's what they say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Jr. arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]'' :'''Frank Jr.''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge? :'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a long lecture on how small mistakes can lead to catastrophes, the accident approaches with Frank Jr. turning around completely in his car seat to wave at his brother behind him, and keeping this up for nearly a minute without paying any attention to the road ahead]'' :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look? :'''Servo [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours... :'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table! :'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little... :'''Servo''': ...uh-oh... :'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother! :'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED! :'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies... :'''Servo''': He's a bad cop on the loose! :'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD! :'''Mike [as Patrolman]''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo:''' Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami. :'''Mike:''' ''[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich]'' AAAHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy! :'''Mike:''' ''[sticks lint into his eye]'' AAHHHHH!!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- ''[Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again]'' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until... :'''Mike:''' ''[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face]'' AHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- :'''Servo:''' Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! ''[wanders off, muttering]'' :'''Mike:''' Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' ''[as the light on the desk starts flashing]'' Oh, ah hey, wonder what the Mads want? :'''Servo:''' Oh, mad scientists! Ah, you can have a lot of fun with mad scientists, until someone loses an eye! :'''Crow:''' ''[collapses after trying to hit the button with his face several times and knocking himself out]'' ==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ==== :''[As title of movie appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover! :'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years. === [[w:Santa Claus (1959 film)|Santa Claus]] === :''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a mess.]'' :'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine! :'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.{{hnote|This refers to Joel who used to be here, but that was 5½ years ago.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[after getting a written check from Dr. Forrester that only has value in 25 years in the future, TV's Frank laments shaving his head for seemingly no reason to get Dr. Forrester a watch fob for Christmas]'' :'''TV's Frank''': ''[crying]'' My hair! My beautiful head of TV's Frank hair! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[to Mike]'' Your movie today, Mark, is called ''Santa Claus''; it's a thoughtful, well-shot documentary about the Crimean War. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[bitterly, in-between sobs]'' [No;] It's a stupid Mexican kid's movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]'' :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive... :. . . :''[Over Spain]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]] :. . . :''[Over China]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing... :'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England. :'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient. :'''Crow''': ...are not here today. :'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation. :'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The group from France. :'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven! :. . . :''[Over Germany]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer! :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer! :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front? :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}} :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up! :'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy. :'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]'' :'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]? :'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf. :'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean. :'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie. :'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon! :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]] :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina. :'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now. :'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America. :'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests. :'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next. :. . . :'''Crow''': Hooray! :'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo! :'''Narrator''': The children of the USA. :'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better. :. . . :'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico. :'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The devil is encouraging the little girl named Lupita to steal].'' :'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry! :'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator. :'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back. :''[Lupita puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].'' :'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey. :'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses! :'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]'' :'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away. :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod! <hr width="50%"/> :''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]'' :'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa! :'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]]. :'''Servo''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lupita is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]'' :'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several children are writing.]'' :'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]... :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol! :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy! :''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head. :''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]'' :'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!! :''[Santa is still laughing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?! :''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]'' :'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]'' :'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America? :'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]'' :'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing an animatronic Santa]'' That's some good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. === [[w:Teen-Age Crime Wave|Teen-Age Crime Wave]] === :''[at Jane's arraignment]'' :'''Jane''': Every word I told the judge was the truth, mama. :'''Crow''': Court-appointed parents. :'''Jane''': I didn't know what Terry and those boys were gonna do! :'''Jane's Mother''': You were out with those hoodlums. No decent girl would be seen with them. :'''Jane's Father''': Why Jane? You said you were going to the movies. You didn't say anything about being with boys you didn't even know. :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': You're a slutty gun moll. :'''Jane''': Dad, all I did was go out on a date! :'''Crow''': Satan's play thing! :'''Jane''': I didn't know what I was getting into! She came to work and asked if I wanted to meet a nice boy! :'''Jane's Mother''': "Nice boy..." a thief. :'''Mike''': Mr. and Mrs. Bridge read her the Riot Act. :'''Jane's Mother''': ... and you'd been drinking! :'''Jane''': I wouldn't have been with him if you hadn't picked an argument with me last night! :'''Jane's Mother''': You sinned, and you'll pay for your crime, Jane. :'''Crow [as Jane's mother]''': I'll be there, front row, at your hanging! :'''Jane''': Daddy, help me, please! :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': I'm afraid you're going down, kitten. Hard. :'''Jane''': You're my family! :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Uh... aren't you? :'''Jane's Mother''': I don't know how your father will ''ever'' face his business friends again. :'''Crow''': Well, let's ask him. He's right here. :'''Servo''': Dad? :'''Mike''': This is ''just'' like dinner at home. <hr width=50%/> :'''Female Warden''': ''[to a group of delinquent young women]'' Now this is a shower room... :'''Crow''': Let the movie begin! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Terry and Jane and broken out of the prison transport by Mike]'' :'''Terry''': Get moving, Big-Eyes. :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Okay, fatass. <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]'' :'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya. :'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble! :'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]'' === [[w:Village of the Giants|Village of the Giants]] === :''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]'' :'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English! :'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!'' :'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.''] :'''Servo''': He blew his hand off! :'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]'' :'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding. :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no... :'''Mike''': No, that's real. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one of the giant teens oversees a line of people surrendering their firearms]'' :'''Crow''': The NRA nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]'' :'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]'' :'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''! :'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]'' :'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big. :'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl. :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]] :'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this! :'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''! :'''Crow''': I&mdash; huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Genius figures out a formula to bring the giants back to their normal size]'' :'''Genius''': Wolf, I have some quite astounding news for you... :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''Willow'' sucked! :'''Crow''': Hey, now that was gratuitous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the teens find themselves back by their wrecked car after being chased out of town]'' :'''Fred''': Well, we got a long, long, long walk. :'''Offscreen voice''': Uh, beg your pardon. Are you people coming from Hainesville? :'''Crow [as the voice]''': Uh, you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ray. :'''Fred''': Yes, we're coming from Hainesville. :'''Offscreen voice''': Is that the place where they have the Goo? :'''Fred''': Yes, that's the place where they have the Goo. :'''Offscreen voice''': Thank you so much. :''[a line of short people is seen walking by the teens towards Hainesville]'' :'''Servo''': Ha. One last offensive thing to leave you with, folks. :'''Mike''': The shamed cast of ''Terror of Tiny Town'' meets the shamed cast of ''Village of the Giants''. :''[the ending title card appears]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, so... that's it?! Wasn't much of a payoff! We waited all this time for '''THAT?!''' ''[the ending credits begin to play with the all-too-familiar footage of the giant teens dancing]'' NO!!! :'''Mike, Crow, and Servo''': No, no, no! :'''Mike''': Coming back to this is like getting your face smashed into a giant turkey. :'''Crow''': Or maybe this is what it would feel like if you had rubber bands around your eyeballs. :'''Servo''': No, it's like wearing William Conrad's underpants with a balaclava! :''[the crew gags]'' :'''Mike''': It's like a lingering kiss with your bearded aunt! :'''Crow''': It's like waking up, rolling over, and seeing Jim Varney! AHHH!!! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo''': It's like being trapped inside your own gym bag! :'''Mike''': It's like being trapped inside Jim Begg! === [[w:12 to the Moon|12 to the Moon]] === ==== [[w:Design for Dreaming|Design for Dreaming]] (short) ==== :''[The title card appears for two seconds as the gang enters.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is by Noel Coward. :''[We go straight into the story.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright... :'''Mike''': Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man first appears, presenting an invitation to Motorama...]'' :'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives! :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today... :'''Crow [as Nuveena]''': A subpoena? For ''me''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nuveena arrives at Motorama...]'' :'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I had a near-death experience like this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Corvette! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...! :'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would! :'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too! :'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I'll try it! :''[The shot transitions to Nuveena sitting in the driver's seat of the Buick.]'' :'''Crow''': She's gonna roll it! :''[Mike and Servo gasp]'' :. . . :'''Servo [as a voice on a loudspeaker]''': Ah, call Security to the showroom floor, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hope this is a rebuttal to ''[[w:Roger And Me|Roger And Me]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena comes out of a car carrying what looks like an umbrella in her hands.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue! :'''Servo''': Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]'' :'''Mystery Man''': Better get her into the kitchen quick! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Tater tots are burning! :'''Crow [as a teenage boy]''': Any more girls in there? :''[Mike and Crow laughs like [[w:Beavis and Butthead|Beavis and Butthead]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Kitchen of Tomorrow begins working on a cake...]'' :'''Crow''': Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In her dream, Nuveena emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no! :''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]'' :'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing. :'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho... :'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down. :''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Shocked]'' Ah! Wow! :. . . :'''Mike''': I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat! :'''Crow''': Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena removes the cake from a futuristic oven.]'' :'''Nuveena''': My cake is ready. :'''Mike''': Uh-uh. I call no way! :'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything... :'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Now in a gown, Nuveena is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''! : . . . :'''Nuveena''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change. :''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]'' :'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!'' :'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''! :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]]. :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]'' :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows... :'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car! :. . . :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph... :'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car. :'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay. :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional. :'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason. :. . . :'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car. :'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin. :'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]! :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''! :''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]'' :'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR! :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man introduces the final car shown, the Firebird II, he deliberately shushes the audience to ensure that it is "secretly" a surprise reveal.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with [[w:Michael Crawford (actor)|Michael Crawford]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Firebird II]'' :'''Crow''': The "Extention Of My Manhood" car! :'''Mike''': Your deal with the devil is now complete. :. . . :'''Servo [as Nuveena]''': Do you have it in red? :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's a six week delivery, ma'am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. The Mystery Man points out something.]'' :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow. :''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow... :'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]] :. . . :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock. :. . . :'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it. :. . . :'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America. :. . . :'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, Nuveena and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]'' :'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out! :''[They all gasp and make crash sounds as the end card appears.]'' ==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ==== :''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]'' :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady! :'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady! :'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady! :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady. :'''Mike''': She's in everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': Doughnuts? :'''Servo''': No, no, no. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]'' :'''Secretary General''': At this moment... :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die! :'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]]. :'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program. :'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump. :'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]! :'''Secretary General''': ... international territory. :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]]. : . . . :'''Secretary General''': God be with you. :'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]'' :'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised! :'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah. :'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy. == Season 6 == === [[w:Girls Town (1959 film)|Girls Town]] === :''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry! : . . . :'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]'' :'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a moral! ''[resumes screaming]'' : . . . :''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]'' :'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me? : . . . :''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]'' :'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip? :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck! : . . . :'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip! :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!" : . . . :''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]'' :'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': Girls Town Boys' Club welcomes you to Girls Town. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.]'' :'''Crow''': Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown! :. . . :''[A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': You make sun go away. You are powerful. :. . . :''[Silver hits Chip with a pie.]'' :'''Servo''': Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen. :. . . :''[Two girls fight on the dock with oars.]'' :'''Mike''': And down goes Blaze! :. . . :'''Mike''': This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney. :. . . :''[A police car can be seen.]'' :'''Mike [as policeman]''': Nobody called us about the party. Over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]'' :'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister. :'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]'' :'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with the father of her dead ex-boyfriend]'' :'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you. :'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]'' :'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Any... studs around here? :'''Serafina''': Any what? :'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags! :'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold. :'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven… : . . . :'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}} <hr width="50%"/><!-- DO NOT CHANGE "ORchard"; THIS IS PROPER CAPITALIZATION FOR OLD-STYLE PHONE #s --> :''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]'' :'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Maybe it's time you level with me. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': You know how we're both hot? :'''Mary Lee''': Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... and he asked me to go in his place. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then I killed him and he died. :'''Mary Lee''': He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him and he got all dead! :'''Silver''': Oh, great. :'''Mary Lee''': It was fun at first when he only kissed me... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He wasn't then. :'''Mary Lee''': But then he... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ...died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... he started... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ... being killed by me... :'''Mary Lee''': ... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Right before he got dead. :'''Mary Lee''': And then... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Rocks slipped out from under his feet... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he became killed. :'''Mary Lee''': He fell... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And he died. :'''Silver''': So ''that's'' how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He's not dead! :'''Mary Lee''': He saw it happen. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': He thought it was you at first... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ...until he saw me again. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him. :'''Silver''': And ''all'' the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville! :'''Mary Lee''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here! :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': ''[exaggerated sobbing]'' I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!! :'''Silver''': It's all over the dam... :'''Mike [as Silver]''': I just can't believe you went out with Chip! :''[Silver begins laughing]'' :'''Mary Lee''': What are you laughing at? :'''Servo [as Silver]''': Oh, something in ''[[w:Dilbert|Dilbert]]''. Never mind. :'''Silver''': It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh? :'''Mike [as Silver]''': Ah, well forget it. :'''Mary Lee''': I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': And trade me for a chicken. :'''Silver''': Tijuana?! :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Maybe I can push [[w:Herb Alpert|Herb Alpert]] over a cliff... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]'' :'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy! :'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight! === [[w:Invasion, U.S.A. (1952 film)|Invasion U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:A Date with Your Family|A Date with Your Family]] (short) ==== :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reading a list of names in the credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks inside a pot]'' :'''Narrator''': What's the matter? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching now should have been edited in the final version. My apologies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course... <hr width="50%"> :''[as the boys talk with their dad]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'll be your wife tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Mike, this sucks! Can we just eat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers. :'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Father begins passing food.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... :''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]'' :'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines. :'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people. :'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU! :'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you. :'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it. :''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|This stinks!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well, there it is. Spankings all around, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU? :'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! :'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release. ==== Invasion U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening credits...]'' :'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]. :. . . :''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions. :'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today. :'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth. <hr width="50%"/> :''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]'' :'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink? :'''Carla''': Yes, but I— :'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her. :'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts. === [[w:The Dead Talk Back|The Dead Talk Back]] === :''[Doing a fire drill on the SOL]'' :'''Crow''': There really is no place to go! :'''Mike''': Well, still. We gotta meet code. :'''Gypsy''': No talking in line! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[playing as hard-boiled detective and attempting to interrogate Mike]'' Hello, Nelson. Say, y'know, I kinda like this movie. I'm intrigued by the whole interrogation idea. '''''So siddown!''' I wanna ask you a few questions!'' If you are who you say you are. And I wanna know what you did and what happened. No hurry; we've got all the time in the world. :'''Frank''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' I did it! I did it! I did it!! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did '''''what''''', Frank? :'''Frank''': '''Everything!''' [[w:Dallas (TV series)|I shot J.R!]] [[w:The Beatniks (film)|I killed that fat barkeep!]] [[w:Frusen_Glädjé|I ate all the Frusen Glädjé!]] And y'know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell ya! ''Glad!! [maniacal laughter]'' ==== [[w:The Selling Wizard|The Selling Wizard]] (short) ==== :''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]'' :'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer. :'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em! :'''Narrator''': You... :'''Mike''': Me? :'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor. :'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock. :'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against— <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising... :'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla! :'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit. :'''Crow''': For high people. :''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]'' :'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items... :'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it! :'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily... :'''Mike''': Women's fault. :''[The stack suddenly drops]'' :'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision. :'''Crow''': The market crashed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]'' :'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in heaven? :'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard? :'''Servo''': Bosoms! :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling. :'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noticing a box in the freezer]'' :'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range. :'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME! :'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity. :'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee. :'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This freezer rules! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]'' :'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet... :'''Mike''': ...makes no sense. :. . . :'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car. :. . . :'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...'' :. . . :'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Every cabinet designed with your needs in mind. :'''Crow''': But I need a stove. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity... :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easily. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard. :'''Mike [as Woody Allen]''': Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos. :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :''[Servo and Mike start humming [[w:Holiday_for_Strings_(song)|Holiday for Strings]]]'' :'''Narrator''': The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products. :'''Crow [as Professor E.C. Buehler, from ''Speech: Using Your Voice'']''': Plenty of lip and tongue action. :'''Narrator''': Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space. :'''Mike''': Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream. :'''All''': Hi-yo! :'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film. :'''Servo''': Hi-yo! ==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:]'' :'''Crow''': The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights. :'''Servo [as cinematographer]''': C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left! :'''Mike''': Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car]'' :'''Crow''': With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood. :'''Servo''': She's flooding the radio. :''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car]'' :'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there. :'''Crow [as driver]''': Maybe this isn't my car. :'''Servo''': Geez, not since ''Moonraker'' has there been an exciting opening sequence. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker introduces himself]'' :'''Krasker''': Have you been hearing some weird stories recently? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': About Chuck Berry? :'''Krasker''': About telepathy? :'''Crow''': I knew you were going to say that. :'''Krasker''': The fourth dimension? :'''Servo''': Or Marilyn McCoo? :'''Krasker''': Or ghosts? :'''Mike''': Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie. :'''Krasker''': The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each. :'''Crow''': Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing. :'''Krasker''': Me? :'''Mike''': You? :'''Krasker''': Who am I? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Frankly I've forgotten. :'''Krasker''': I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. ''[softly]'' Mike, help me! :'''Krasker''': My philosophy? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Lots of leather. :'''Krasker'''; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics? :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': [[w:Teen_Talk_Barbie#Controversy|It's really hard.]] :'''Krasker''': There's a long, complicated explanation to that question. :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Which he'll be happy to give us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krasker''': Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over? :'''Servo''': Quit squirming. :'''Krasker''': Why just think! We could find lost articles... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Coupons! :'''Krasker''': Treasures... Gold mines... :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': You're not buying any of this, are you? :'''Krasker''': We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': I'm so lonely... ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:]'' :'''Krasker''': It takes a while for... temperature attunement. :'''Crow''': Uh-huh... :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Krasker''': Warming up. :'''Crow''': Sure. :'''Krasker''': We'll try it again later. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift... :'''Krasker''': The problem of communicating with the... departed... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Is that they're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, full bookshelf stands against the far wall:]'' :'''Mike [as officer]''': Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After discarding a pair of shoes, a suspect drives off in a 1960's Volkswagen Bug:]'' :'''Servo [as suspect]''': The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though... :'''Crow''': One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage. :'''Servo''': Zero to sixty... in about an hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]'' :'''Servo''': Is someone purring? :''[Crow looks around for a bit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass as a "receiver"]'' :'''Krasker''': Tell us who you are. It's important that we know. :'''Mike''': To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the Ethereum, the Imperium, or the Emerald Beyond, please hold. :'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly&mdash; :'''Servo''': That's because it's a '''''RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance]'' :'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... <hr width="50%"/> :''[the horn that is part of Krasker's machine for the seance blares, startling Mike and the bots]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, my ride's here! :'''Crow''': Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! === [[w:Zombie Nightmare|Zombie Nightmare]] === :''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes! :''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school? :''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. :''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party! :''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]'' :'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Before the car hits Tony]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him! :''[Tony gets hit by car]'' :'''Servo''': ...Or not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I used to like you when you were a Caped Crusader, even better than Darth Vader. But then you were the best, but now you are like all the rest. That's all, so see you later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]'' :'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose! :'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]'' :'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]'' :'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester! :. . . :''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Damn radiator! :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]'' :'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]'' :'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it! :'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average. :'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]'' :'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene. :''[The car drives off the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': And that's it. === [[w:Colossus and the Headhunters|Colossus and the Headhunters]] === :''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]'' :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': What is your name? :'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours? :'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]'' :'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time! :'''Maciste''': Land! Land! :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land! :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]'' :'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... :''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh. Heh. :. . . :''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]'' :'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee! :'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]'' :'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance. :'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders. :'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty... :'''Servo''': And pants! :'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess. :'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous. : . . . :'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your... :'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun! :'''Kermes''': ...advisor. :'''Crow''': Huh?! : . . . :''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fight scene has broken out.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]'' :'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods! : . . . :''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]'' :'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend. :'''Crow''': Apparently! : . . . :'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment. :'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look. : . . . :'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]'' :'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]'' :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work! : . . . :'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something! === [[w:The Creeping Terror|The Creeping Terror]] === :'''Crow''': ''[while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious]'' It's definitely not working. ... ''[in a snobby tone]'' I've been recording my life in pastel! :'''Servo''': The only question worth asking is "What am '''I''' going through right now?". :'''Gypsy''': ''[as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike]'' You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my! :'''Crow''': Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me. :'''Gypsy''': So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash! :'''Mike''': Thanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs! :'''Gypsy''': A white male middle-class power holder would say '''that''', Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank and Dr. Forrester are doing laundry in Deep 13]'' :'''Frank''': I'll show you some real Creeping Terrors... these grass stains! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[while he and Mike stage a parody vignette of "[[w:Love, American Style|Love, American Style]]", holding a wedding ring]'' Well, I'm finally going to propose to Debbie! :'''Mike''': That's great; let's see the ring. ''[puts it on his finger, and it gets stuck]'' The ring's stuck! :'''Servo''': I guess '''we'll''' have to get married! ''[chuckles as he and Mike kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Here I come, Tommy! :'''Servo''': Okay, buddy. Slide right down! :'''Mike''': Crow! What in the world are you doing?! ''[Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip! :'''Mike''': Come on up here! :'''Gypsy''': Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea. :'''Mike''': No, I think I know whose idea it was. ''[peeks inside Gypsy's mouth]'' Hey, Tom! :'''Servo''': Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat! :'''Gypsy''': ''[embarrassed]'' Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?... :'''Mike''': No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, this is embarrassing... :'''Servo''': Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip! :'''Mike''': Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here. :'''Gypsy''': You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom... :'''Crow''': Join the club, Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': I think I'll go get a tissue... ''[slowly slithers away]'' ==== The Creeping Terror (film) ==== :''[of the opening title's stylized spiraling background''] :'''Mike''': Who left their hair in the sink? :'''Servo''': Things I can do with my spirograph! :'''Crow''': When spiders drink too much. . . . :'''Crow''': Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the film opens with a black screen and no sound]'' :'''Crow''': The point of view of [[w: Helen Keller|Helen Keller]]. :''[the screen then shifts to the point of view of Martin and his wife Brett driving home at a leisurely pace from their honeymoon]'' :'''Mike''': Why, it's not creeping; this Terror's clipping along just fine! . . . :'''Servo''': ''[of the monotony of the drive]'' A very un-involving videogame. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]'' :'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir? <hr width="50%"/> :[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a screaming woman, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth''] :'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in... :'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Alien/Carl Denham]'' [[King Kong (1933 film)|'Twas Beauty fed the Beast]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': ''[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib]'' Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby]'' No! Get lost! :'''Servo''': Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer]'' Wait, you're gonna put that '''where'''?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better! :'''Mike''': ''[as baby after getting checked]'' Owwww, you'll pay for this! :'''Woman''': Poor baby; you'll feel better soon. :'''Mike''': What about picking him up, or feeding him? :'''Servo''': ''[as woman]'' That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]'' :'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]'' :'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!''''' :'''Mike''': And the world has one less Santa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at a formal dance, the alien appears and numerous women scream in terror]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as the Alien]'' I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had. :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' Why is everybody lookin' at me? :'''Woman''': ''[flatly exclaiming]'' My God; what is it?! :''[Crow, Servo, and Mike all break out laughing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd! :'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the monster eats a couple, which looks like it was humping a car afterwards]'' :'''Crow''': He's mistaken the car for a lady monster! Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing! === [[w:Bloodlust!|Bloodlust!]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[of Pearl Forrester's influence on Clay]'' Now I understand why he's so sick! Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'! Oh, I mean 'witch'! :'''Servo''': She said the word! Gypsy's in trouble; Gypsy's in trouble! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''— :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it! :'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW! ==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ==== :'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council? :'''Servo''': No, Velveeta's a splinter group. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something! :'''Servo''': Yes, the farm of secrets and lies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': A cautionary tale. :'''Narrator''': George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're dropping off the kids and never coming back. :'''Narrator''': But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm. :'''Mike''': Poor saps. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids take turns ringing a bell to call Jim.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts. :'''Crow''': Well, now they have nothing to look forward to! :'''Servo [as George]''': I never want this day to end! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As grain pours out of a spout]'' :'''Servo [as Uncle Jim]''': See? We dump this stuff in the creek and the government pays us for it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': I just saw a finger! :'''Mike [as George]''': ''[whining]'' Can we go home? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids are playing in the hayloft]'' :'''Servo''': Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance. :'''Crow''': '''OW, MY SPINE!''' :'''Mike [as Andy]''': I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to... :'''Servo [as Andy]''': OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK! :'''Crow''': All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay. :'''Mike [as George]''': I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]. :'''Servo''': Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging. :'''Mike''': You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Betty and Jane play with baby chicks]'' :'''Narrator''': Baby chicks, too... :'''Mike''': Hey, they're women-- oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[George and Andy are playing with the family dog in an open field]'' On the farm, a big dog has plenty of room to run and play. But he's more than a pet; he also protects the family... :'''Servo''': ''[as Narrator]'' From rival farm gangs! :'''Narrator''': ''[as the dog's puppies come scampering from behind]'' But all the puppies have to do is eat and play and sleep so they can grow up strong and healthy. :'''Servo''': ''[gushing over the puppies]'' Awww, puppy! Look at 'em; little Humphrey, little Humphrey! {{hnote|Referring to staff member and Servo's puppeteer Kevin Murphy's own dog Humphrey}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As everyone has dinner]'' :'''Narrator''': Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Given her limitations. :'''Crow''': Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner. :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': But I don't like food! :'''Narrator''': Look at all the wonderful things to eat. :'''Crow''': At restaurants. :'''Narrator''': It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger. :'''Mike''': Mostly just butter. :'''Servo''': Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana. :'''Crow [as Jane]''': That's why I'm burning my bra. :'''Mike''': Repressed emotions help the evening pass without incident. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rooster crows and the girls wake up in their bunk bed]'' :'''Servo''': Three hours later, it's up again. :'''Crow''': Back home, a Hershey's truck has overturned and everyone is getting all the free chocolate they want. :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Uncle Jim's out of control. We [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Mmm, good white, hearty white bread for white, white people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': As the summer passed, everything seemed to grow. The corn was knee high on George when he came. Now it's taller than he is. :'''Servo''': George is clearly shrinking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city. :'''Mike and Crow [as George and Jane]''': FREEDOM! :''[Their parents drive up to the farm]'' :'''Servo [as George and Jane's father]''': Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it! :'''Crow [as George]''': Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with everyone waving as they drive off]'' :'''Crow [as Uncle Jim]''': Goodbye! We'll send you that arm if we find it! :'''Mike [as George]''': So long, you corn-shucking suckers! ==== Bloodlust! (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': The story of Wisconsin sausage. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]'' :'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!" <hr width="50%"/> :[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended''] :'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Balleau''': [''towards Tony''] Tony; I have reconsidered. :'''Mike''': [''as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt''] John Steinbeck in [[Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Murder]]. :'''Tom Servo''': [''as Tony screams in pain and dies''] Rail! Rail against the dying of the- <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic. === [[w:Code Name: Diamond Head|Code Name: Diamond Head]] === :''[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]'' :'''Mike''': ''[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief]'' I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face! :'''Crow''': Hey; we were just reading- :'''Mike''': ''[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him]'' Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now! :'''Servo''': But we didn't- ''[gets hit by Mike and starts crying]'' :'''Mike''': I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! ''[jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces]'' Now '''that's''' a done pop! :'''Servo''': ''[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation]'' Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough! :'''Crow''': Turn it off; '''''TURN IT OFF'''''!!! ==== A Day at the Fair (short) ==== :''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very beginning of the short]'' :'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held. :'''Servo''': Any questions so far? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish. :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish... :'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home. :'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]'' :'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! :''[The short cuts to a new scene]'' :'''Narrator''': What's this? :'''Crow''': EVIL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]'' :'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]'' :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''... :. . . :'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings! :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights? :'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go? :'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harness races at the grandstand]'' :'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car! :'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots! :. . . :'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three! :'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''... :'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh? :. . . :'''Narrator''': They're into the curb. :'''Servo''': And they're into jazz. :'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! :. . . :''[One horse is way behind.]'' :'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The race is over. :'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. :'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...'' :''[Fade to the next scene]'' :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]'' :'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin. :'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end. :. . . :'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done. ==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ==== :''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to&mdash; :''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]'' :'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''. :'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''. === [[w:The Skydivers|The Skydivers]] === ==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ==== :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is a Centron production.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet? :'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]'' :'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood... :'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear! :'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw! :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes! :'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools… :'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman… :'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress! :'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants! :'''Joe''': ...A wrench... :'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER! :'''Joe''': ...A plane... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends! :'''Joe''': ...or a chisel... :'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls? :'''Mike''': No, no, chisels! :'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer! :'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]'' :'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this? :'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]]. :'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store. :'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. :'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh? :'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe? :'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why? :''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]'' :'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters. :'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. :. . . :''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men. :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators. :'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]! ==== The Skydivers (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here? :'''Beth''': Frankie's not here. :'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee? :'''Joe Moss''': Coffee? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"? :'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee! :'''Beth''': Well, good! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. :. . . :''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]'' :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony. :'''Harry''': Bob, you ready? :'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry! :''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—! :'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film. : . . . :''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]'' :'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''? :'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes. : . . . :''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]'' :'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]'' :'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies. : . . . :'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion. :'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow? :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor. :'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow. :'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]]. :'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man. : . . . :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs. :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky. :'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''. :'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there. :'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]'' :'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]'' :'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]'' :'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken? :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]'' :'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]'' :'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves. : . . . :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]'' :'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? === [[w:The Violent Years|The Violent Years]] === <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]'' :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Mike''': '''WHOA!!''' :'''Crow : ''[horrified]'' '''''WHOA, WHOA!!!''''' ''[Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]'' :'''Servo''': Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man! :'''Gypsy''': ''[horrified]'' '''''I FEEL ILL!!!''''' ''[Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]'' :'''Servo''': I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head! :'''Mike''': Ha ha ha ha... '''''GET HIM!''''' ''[Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oh, what are they doin'? :'''Servo''': I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie. :'''Gypsy''': Oh... :''[Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]'' :'''Gypsy''': Uh, Tom? :'''Tom Servo''': Huh? :'''Gypsy''': Was it exciting in the movie? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Well, was it funny? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh? ==== Young Man's Fancy (short) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short begins, Judy is ironing while listening to the radio.]'' :'''Mike''': She's listening to her to dehumidifier. :'''Servo''': Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements. :'''Radio Announcer''': 12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- ''[Judy turns off the radio]'' :'''Crow [as Radio Announcer]''': Ironing can be deadly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]'' :'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this. :'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently. :'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you. :'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]'' :'''Mike [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]'' :'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''! :'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming! :. . . :'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''! :'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]'' :'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it. :'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]'' :'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]'' :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR! :'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]'' :'''Alex''': There we are. :'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing? :'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''! :''[Crow begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the closing credits]'' :'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd! :'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. ==== The Violent Years (movie) ==== :''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]'' :'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]'' :'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the off-screen male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]'' :'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!'' :'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"'' :'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!'' :'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime... :'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go? === [[w:Last of the Wild Horses|Last of the Wild Horses]] === :''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': I said Coke. :'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': All I have is Coke. :'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler. :'''Servo''': Okay. Huh? :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie. :'''Servo''': We are. :'''Crow''': And a show? :'''Servo''': No! :'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show? :'''Servo''': Because we are! :'''Crow''': What show? :'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']]. :'''Crow''': That's a movie! :'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with? :'''Crow''': Come with what? :'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?! :'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money? :'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity. :'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact... : . . . :'''Crow''': So what time's dinner? :'''Servo''': Noon okay? :'''Crow''': But that's lunch! :'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing. :''[The Mad's light flashes]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there. :'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that! :'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"]'' THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT! :'''Servo''': This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! ''[flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]'' :'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! :. . . :''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]'' :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. :''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]'' :'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]'' :'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]] === [[w:The Starfighters|The Starfighters]] === :''[over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:Sean Penn|Sean Penn]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': We're gonna bomb 'em back to the Jazz Age! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking. :'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah? :'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this? :'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling. :'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago. :'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action! :'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you. :'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner... :'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George... :'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago? :'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir. :'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]'' :'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d... :'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! :'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. :''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.] :'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]'' :'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that... :'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here". :'''Mike''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during yet another scene of planes refueling]'' :'''Crow''': You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you! :'''Mike''': Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Crow''': Uh, cuddling in the afterglow? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Mike''': Uh, multiple partner allusions? :'''Servo''': Got it. :'''Crow''': Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo? :'''Servo''': Yup. :'''Mike''': Gas station jokes. :'''Servo''': Been there. :'''Crow''': Impotence. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. :'''Mike''': Uh, one-night stand stuff? :'''Servo'''; It's all covered. :'''Mike''': ''[disappointed]'' Okay, let's just watch then. :'''Servo''': Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock. :'''Mike''': Okay, you're right. :... :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the score]'' Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne! :'''Mike''': I don't know where you end and I begin! :''[the fueling process ends]'' :'''Crow [as the plane]''': No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold... :'''Servo''': Oh, a junkie joke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine! :'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? :'''Mike''': Um... :'''Servo''': Am I right? :'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct. === [[w:The Sinister Urge (film)|The Sinister Urge]] === :'''Crow''': ''[to Gypsy]'' We're giving you a shower! :'''Gypsy''': ''[surprised]'' Huh!? :'''Servo''': Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling? :'''Gypsy''': ''[flustered]'' Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!? :'''Crow''': Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely! :'''Gypsy''': Well, I'm ''pretty sure'' I'm a woman. :'''Crow''': Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely? :'''Mike''': It's... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely! :'''Servo''': Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me... :'''Mike''': And it is... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Oh! :'''Crow''': Just like mine! How darling and lovely! :'''Servo''': Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Better get pinking! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more... :'''Gypsy''': Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears? :'''Mike''': Nope... :'''Gypsy''': Oh... . :'''Mike''': Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Crow''': Well Tom saw them and I had to agree! :'''Servo''': How lovely and darling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It's from Frank! Listen to this: ''[reads letter]'' "Dear Gypsy, how are you? I'm fine. I'm going to bomb the living bejesus out of Deep 13. Well, it looks like I'm out of room. Best wishes, Frank." ''[realizes the threat]'' '''OH MY GOD! MIKE! TOM! CROW! WE GOT TO STOP HIM!''' ''[goes back to the letter]'' "P.S. Hope you like the pinking shears." <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': I must say, doctor, you are a real piece of work. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[tied up and strapped with explosives]'' Frank, it you don't cut it out, I'm gonna kill you! :'''TV's Frank''': No, Dr. Forrester... it is ''you'' who are going to kill ''me.'' ''[evil laugh]'' YOU'RESTUCKHERE. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, if Frank goes through with his plan, that means no more mad scientists! :'''Servo''': Which means no more evil experiments! :'''Mike''': Which means no more Deep 13! :'''Crow''': Which means no way can we ever, ever get down to Earth! :'''Servo''': Which eventually means no more Satellite of Love! :'''Mike''': Which means no more... ''[they finally realize what would happen and faint from shock]'' :'''Crow''': ...We've got to help Dr. Forrester save Deep 13! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': We just got to find a way to stop Frank, but how? :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's the sixty-four dollar question... wait! I've got an idea! A door-to-door search! Gypsy, can you give me a schematic of the whole city? :'''Gypsy''': You want the suburbs too? :'''Crow''': All the way to the sticks! I want to see barns and cows and roosters! :'''Gypsy''': There goes my vacation! :'''Crow''': Thanks, doll-face! ''[tries to kiss Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Get out of here, you lug! :'''Servo''': All right, all right, all right! Hold everything! Ha ha! Got the report back from the lab, and guess whose fingerprints are all over the ransom notes? :'''Mike''': Uh, probably Frank's. He signed it. :'''Servo''': Oh, that's right I guess... :'''Mike''': This is a dead end, a blank wall, an empty check! :'''Gypsy''': It's no piece of cake, that's for sure! :'''Mike''': Wait!, Hold it Gypsy, say that again... :'''Gypsy''': I said, "It is no piece of cake!" :'''Mike''': Potato cakes! That's it! :'''Crow''': Potato cakes? :'''Mike''': Remind me to buy you a new hat next payday sweetheart! ''[hugs and kisses Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wow...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It just doesn't make any sense, Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh boy, I wonder if Forrester's planning on killing Frank! ==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ==== :''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]'' :'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes! :'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was! :'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]'' :'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[My Fair Lady|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices. :'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!'' ==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police car changes its model during a scene transition]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the car turned from a Ford into a Plymouth! :'''Crow''': That'll happen... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Romaine''': I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I ''demand''... ''[begins hitting his palm with his fist]'' :'''Crow''': Ow! Ow ow ow! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone. :'''Lt. Carson''': "Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Just how? :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Well, very indirectly. :'''Lt. Carson''': It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! ''[shows pictures]'' :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is... :'''Lt. Carson''': Some characters will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling... :'''Crow''': No it isn't! :'''Lt. Carson''': ... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear? :'''Mike [as Romaine]''': It's a vague connection, I admit, but... :'''Lt. Carson''': Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine? :'''Crow [as Carson]''': Would ''she'' be interested in the smut picture racket? :''[Romaine slowly gets up and walks silently to the door]'' :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Uhhhhh... :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Would you like to choose a different category, sir? :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh... :'''Mr. Romaine''': Yes... I have ''two'' daughters... ''[leaves looking incredibly somber]'' :'''Crow [as Romaine]''': And a puppy. :'''Servo''': At least I ''think'' they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gloria and Johnny talk about the ramifications of the recent police raid on her smut picture business, and their plans moving forward]'' :'''Crow''': I'm learning a ''lot'' about porn! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gloria enters the room after leaving briefly in the same scene]'' :'''Mike [as Gloria]''': The was a ''good'' crap! === [[w:San Francisco International Airport (TV series)|San Fransisco International]] === :''[Mike and the Bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park. :''[The logo fades.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]'' :'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]'' :'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]'' :'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." === [[w:Kitten with a Whip|Kitten with a Whip]] === :''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.] :'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house! :''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!'' :'''Servo''': All right! :. . . :'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]. === [[w:Racket Girls|Racket Girls]] === ==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ==== :''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]'' :'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]'' :'''Servo''': Visit your government church! :'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]'' :'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction... :'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!'' :'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!'' :'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing? :'''Larry''': How did you know? :'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing". :'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"! :'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''… :''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]'' :'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… :''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]'' :'''Larry''': It's gone! :'''Sue''': Where'd it go?! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!'' :'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]'' :'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]] :''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]'' :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]'' :'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors? :'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs... :'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]! :'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general? :'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff. :'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]] ==== Racket Girls (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]'' :'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby? : . . . :'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise! :'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe! :'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]'' :'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!''''' === [[w:Ilya Muromets (film)|The Sword and the Dragon]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[leaving while being too weirded out by Mike and the Bots reenactment of the forest tablecloth scene]'' ...You guys are so weird! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the bots put on a satirical political song and dance number]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing while holding a prop gun]'' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I get shot at every day...''''' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm opposed by the NRA- bang bang!''''' ''[pretends to be shot and "dies"]'' ==== The Sword and the Dragon ==== :''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]'' :'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see a large banquet taking place]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]'' :'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. :'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]'' :'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are? :'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]'' :'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! :''[He turns to face Ilya]'' :'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom! === [[w:High School Big Shot|High School Big Shot]] === ==== Out of This World (short) ==== :''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]'' :'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]'' :'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...? :'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]'' :'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... <hr width="50%"> :''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread. :'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!'' :. . . :'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important? :'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it. :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got! <hr width="50%"> :''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different. :'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer. :. . . :''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]'' :'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]'' :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid... <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... :''[cut to a montage of grocers]'' :'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron. :'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile. :'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on? :'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect. :'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me? :'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself. :'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone? :'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that. :'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]'' :'''Crow''': A hat and a pad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bullseyes handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up. :'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't... well, you know... ==== High School Big Shot (movie) ==== :''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the screen test? :. . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a [[w: Andy Warhol|Warhol]] film? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': The Potsie story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered? :'''Crow [as student]''': Uh, Richard Dawson. :'''Mike [as student]''': Fred Sanford? :'''Servo [as student]''': Uh, Larry Hovis. :''[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': Vince, would you mind answering the question, please? :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little... :'''Mr. Carter''': VINCE! :'''Crow [as Vince]''': Uh, nipples. :'''Servo''': I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir. :'''Vince''': I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please? :'''Mr. Carter''': To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered? :'''Vince''': I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. ''[the class laughs]'' :'''Crow [as Mr. Carter]''': Mr. Malph, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]' :'''Mr. Carter''': Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know. :'''Servo [as Mr. Carter]''': You're 28. You should graduate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then... :'''Marv's Dad''': Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week. :'''Marv''': Really? :'''Marv's Dad''': Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time. :'''Mike [as Marv's Dad]''': Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Betty]''': So, are we going to walk the alleys all night? :'''Marv''': I'm sorry, Betty, honest. :'''Betty''': Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': I've never walked to a drive-in before. :'''Marv''' It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop-- :'''Betty''': Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time. :'''Marv''': Betty. :'''Mike [as Marv]''': Can I sniff your bra? :'''Marv''': I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke? :'''Betty''': I'd love it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Thanks a lot, [[w:Adnan Khashoggi|Adnan Khashoggi.]] :''[Cut to a diner.]'' :'''Mike''': Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]'' :'''Betty''': Oh, Vince. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Will you write a paper for me? :'''Vince''': What's with you? ''[brief pause]'' :'''Mike''': Rebooting. :'''Betty''': With me and Marv? :'''Servo [as Vince]''': Come on, I can't hold this face much longer! :'''Betty''': Oh, you can't be serious. :'''Vince''': Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me! :'''Crow [as Betty]''': He had three dollars! :'''Betty''': But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Would he write mine if I kissed him? : . . . :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Now would you write my shop project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': All this because of a strict English teacher. === [[w:Red Zone Cuba|Red Zone Cuba]] === :''[Frank owes a hefty sum of money to the mob, and is about to convince Dr. Forrester to go out and face them in his stead]'' :'''Frank''': Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. ''[steps into the hallway]'' Joe? Hello? :''[Forrester gets pulled aside and in silhouette is being beaten up by the mob, while Frank grimaces]'' :'''Frank''': Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots are dressed in formal tuxedos shortly before Movie Sign for some gambling]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Attention; the buffet is now being served. :'''Mike, Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[at the same time as Movie Sign blares]'' The buffet?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[depressed sigh]'' You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one... :'''Servo''': Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!? :'''Crow''': That's a great idea! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Okay! :'''Servo''': Hit it, Cambot! ''[singing]'' Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad! :'''Crow''': Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip? :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' So if you listen to our advice, :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And you wanna feel terrific! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Do things that make you feel nice, :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' I wish we could be more specific! ==== Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay... :'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked. :'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says... :'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke. :'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]'' :'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''. :'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie. :'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as person slouching while making a speech]'' Women be different than men! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]'' :'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified. :'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't. :. . . :'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech. ==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ==== :''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]] :''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!'' :'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]'' :: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load :: I got Coleman Francis on my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]'' :'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... :'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off! :'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us. :'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana. : . . . :'''Joe''': We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': At 12:15 we're captured! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]'' :'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Se&ntilde;or Francis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the owner of a secluded diner]'' I am the Dark Specter of Food. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut! :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''" :'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! ... :'''Mike''': ''[as store clerk while the trio leaves]'' Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya! === [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] === :''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray. :'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route. :. . . :''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]'' :'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest? :'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in? :'''Mike''': Europe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]'' :'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]'' :'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time. :''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]'' :'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies. :'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda. :''[Crow begins snickering.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub. :''[Crow snickers again.]'' :'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy! : . . . :''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]'' :'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! : . . . :''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]'' :'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive. :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now. :'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain. :''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter? :'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything... :'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]'' :'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man. :'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him? :'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one. :'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too. :''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]'' :'''Servo''': Olé! :''[Crow giggles.]'' :'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible! :''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]'' :'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am. :'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad. :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]! :'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baccarat game is in progress.]'' :'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000. :'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there! :''[beat]'' :'''Servo''': But it's nice. :'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah. :''[Crow laughs.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard! === [[w:The Beast of Yucca Flats|The Beast of Yucca Flats]] === :'''Gypsy''': Huh?... ''[sees the new wallpaper]'' OH, MY GOD! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! ''[Leaves]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Sometimes, a new look takes a little getting used to. ==== Money Talks! (short) ==== :''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]'' :'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car. :'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin! :'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. :'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}} : . . . :''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce. :'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar] :'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}} ==== [[w:Progress Island U.S.A.|Progress Island U.S.A.]] (short) ==== :''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later! <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': An American Democracy... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move. :'''Mike''': Hawaii? :'''Crow''': No, an ''island!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of a school are shown.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name? :'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production. :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over quick shots]'' :'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]'' :'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Students are shown at college.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class. :'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the next piece of background music]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another piece of background music ends.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]'' :'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held. :'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid. :'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down. :''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]'' :''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family. :'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]'' :'''Crow''': Hit me! :'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies. :'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago. :''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]'' :'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year. :'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]'' :'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job! :'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]'' :'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. :''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]'' :'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]'' :'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. :. . . :''[We see record players being made.]'' :'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style. :'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there! :'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the short's closing screen]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend. ==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]'' :'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play The Butler. :'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as The Beast, that's just smart casting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a chase scene.]'' :'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen. :'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Vacation time. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye. :'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south. :'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the mountain...]'' :'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick. :'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is chased by a light plane.]'' :'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?'' :'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse. :'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury. :'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself? :'''Narrator''': Noted scientist. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council! :''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]'' :'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?! === [[w:Angels Revenge|Angels Revenge]] === :''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]'' :'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. :''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! :''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I don't have any lines. :'''Crow:''' But you get to wear slinky dresses and carry guns and stuff! :'''Gypsy:''' Not this sister! ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I feel so insignificant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts! :'''Mike:''' No, don't... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]'' :'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]'' :'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad. :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference. :'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terry''': I've got an idea. :''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]'' :'''Servo''': What a great idea! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]'' :'''Crow''': It's the [[wikt:T%26A#Etymology_1|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]'' :'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]'' :'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]'' :'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please? :'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card. :'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you? :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap? :. . . :'''Farrell''': I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand. :'''April''': Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name? :'''Farrell''': ''[Finally close enough, drops the act.]'' You broads really think that you can get away with this. :'''Crow [as April]''': Well that's a weird name! === [[w:The Amazing Transparent Man|The Amazing Transparent Man]] === :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo]'' So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey? :'''Mike''': ''[staring forward blankly]'' You people bring matches for Mikey? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise]'' '''YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP!''' You folks don't give ''NO'' matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! '''Don't''' give him no matches!! ==== The Days of Our Years (short) ==== :''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there. :'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]'' :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]'' :'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe". :'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]'' :'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away. :'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]'' :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring! :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years... :'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]'' :'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here! ==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]'' ::He's amazing and amusing, ::he's delicious and nutritious, ::two for breakfast, one for... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors. :'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]'' :'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving. :. . . :'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. :. . . :''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]'' :'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]]. :. . . :''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.] :'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty! :. . . :'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.] :'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this. === [[w:Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro|Samson vs. the Vampire Women]] === :'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.] :'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]'' :'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}} : . . . :''[a loud shriek is heard]'' :'''Mike''': "Someone taped over ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]''!" : . . . :''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]'' :'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin. :'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]'' :'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover. :'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music! :'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat. :'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation! :'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles''': Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious. :'''Professor Orlof''': You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you? :'''Mike''': Puppet theater? :'''Charles''': Well that's easy, start by explaining. :'''Professor Orlof''': I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss. :'''Charles''': Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening. :'''Servo [as Charles]''': And that makes it hard to get the scene going! :'''Charles''': How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from? :'''Professor Orlof''': Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say. :'''Charles''': Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up. :'''Professor Orlof''': No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss! :'''Mike [as Orlof]''': But forget I said anything. :'''Professor Orlof''': That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone! :'''Crow [as Charles]''': Look, you invited me here! :'''Charles''': Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how? :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': I can't tell you, now leave me alone! :'''Professor Orlof''': Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana. :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': Now get out of here! :'''Charles''': Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party? :'''Professor Orlof''': That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate! :'''Charles''': Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good. :'''Professor Orlof''': No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! ''[Charles leaves the room]'' :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': No wait, come back! :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Why won't he help me??? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]'' :'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}} :'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!''''' :'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on? :'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress? :. . . :'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...? == Season 7 == === [[w:Night of the Blood Beast|Night of the Blood Beast]] === ==== [[w:Once Upon a Honeymoon (1956 film)|Once Upon a Honeymoon]] (short) ==== :''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a wide shot of the living room]'' :'''Mike''': They live in a doll house! :'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]'' :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that. :'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy. :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"? :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! :''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help. :'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling? :'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today. :'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky... :'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... :'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]... :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... :'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]... :. . . :''[Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.]'' :'''Mary''': I wish... :''[Beat for one second]'' :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day... :'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER! :''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed... :'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refrigerator. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit... :'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! :. . . :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]'' :'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]'' :'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage. :. . . :'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma. :. . . :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these. :. . . :'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]... :'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again! :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum. :'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not? :'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's! :''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content. :'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? ==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ==== :''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]]. :'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]'' :'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': And the Steves are there! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long. :'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]'' :'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute? :'''Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! :'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave hears something.]'' :'''Dave''': Steve? :'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]'' :'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush? :'''Donna''': Steve. :'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes? :'''Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes? :'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]'' :'''Servo''': And the Steves are there! :'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]'' :'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]'' :'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]'' :'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more. :'''Crow''': I took these upside down! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve enters in from the lab.]'' :'''Steve''': They're gone. :'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]'' :'''Crow''': Carry me. :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': Carry me! :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': CARRY ME! :'''Servo''': Shut up! :'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh... === [[w:The Brute Man|The Brute Man]] === ==== [[w:The Chicken of Tomorrow|The Chicken of Tomorrow]] (short) ==== :''[Over the short's title screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[Bill Clinton]] Story! :'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a dedication in the opening credits] :'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war. :'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is going on here? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate. :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as farmers pack chickens in cages for delivery]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going? :'''Servo''': Chickens are shipped to the set of ''Oklahoma!'' :'''Mike [as chicken]''': I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. ''[clucks]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': I'd like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more of the Man of Today? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And on large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on. :'''Servo''': There it is! No, wait, there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine! :'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]'' :'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there. :'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked! :'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]'' :'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow. :. . . :'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs. :'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]'' :'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot! :. . . :'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson... :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here! :. . . :'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye. :. . . :'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]'' :. . . :'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry. :. . . :'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aren't there [[w:L'eggs|supposed to be pantyhose in there]]? :. . . :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade. :'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''! :''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]'' :'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids. :''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]'' :'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral. :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group! :'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this? :'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three? :'''Servo''': You bet! :'''Narrator''': Indeed they can! :'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Hey, I was right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]'' :'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said "''Speed'' is '''ESSENTIAL'''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]'' :'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken! :''[the next scene fades in]'' :'''Crow''': Chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]'' :'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on? :'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway! :'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed. :'''Crow''': Except for the sports section. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And if they've completed their lessons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than one hundred birds. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers. :'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents. :''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]'' :'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of chickens eating]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight. :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]'' :'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are. :'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse? :'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''? :'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel. :'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325. :. . . :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]'' :'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]'' :'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live. :'''Narrator''': Keep that one. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions. :'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table. :'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken. :. . . :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]'' :'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work. :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]'' :'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]'' :'''Mike''': It's [[w:Goofus and Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]. :. . . :'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please? : . . . :''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion! : . . . :'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron. :'''Servo''': These must be models' portions. :'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]... : . . . :'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! :'''Servo''': You can carry it in your wallet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market. :''[The next scene fades in]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. :. . . :''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken. :'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]] :'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant. :'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun. :'''Servo''': I want a new hat. :''[Shot of a gas station]'' :'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market. :'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]'' :'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! ==== The Brute Man (movie) ==== :''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]'' :'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]'' :'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Haskins''': [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from? :'''Jimmy''': Somebody stuck it under the door. :'''Mr. Haskins''': [annoyed] Uhh... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': I hate customers! :'''Jimmy''': Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door? :'''Mr. Haskins''': No! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jimmy]''': Go to hell! :'''Mr. Haskins''': And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Piss off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]'' :'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face? :'''Mike''': Now, come on... :'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't... :'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that! :'''Crow''': I know... :'''Servo''': That hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker... :'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. :''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]]. === [[w:Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell]] === :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:Metal_umlaut|umlaut]]? :'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, let's see how long these accents last. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.] :'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh... :''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''. :'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. :''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]'' :'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose? :'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]'' :'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women. :'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]'' :'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step! :'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]'' :'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]'' :'''Marinda''': I love you! :'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago. :'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]'' :'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach. : . . . :''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]'' :'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]'' :'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! === [[w:The Incredible Melting Man|The Incredible Melting Man]] === :''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship." :'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the movie's title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast! :'''Mike''': It's all freeways now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch. :'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]'' :'''Loring''': How many weeks is she? :'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? :. . . :''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]'' :'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]'' :'''General Perry''': How's it looking? :'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good. :'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office! :. . . :''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]'' :'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!'' :'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]'' :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God. :'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka? :'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do? :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}} :'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka. :'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too. :''[She brings over his soup.]'' :'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors. :''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers? :'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve? :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve? :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers! :'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve. :'''Judy Nelson''': Why you? :'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know. :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]'' :'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]'' :'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Nelson''': DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON! :''[The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the melting man]'' Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]'' :'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead! :'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A black janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]'' : '''Servo''': ''[as janitor]'' I'll never understand white people... :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]'' :'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing. :'''Servo''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care. :'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket. :'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr". :'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha... :'''Mike''': Very good. :'''Crow''': I kill me. :'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard. :'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements. :'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house. :'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics. :''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway? :'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops. :'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program. :'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You? :'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. :'''Servo''': Good lesson. :'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter. :'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby. :'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary. :'''Servo''': Aadgka! :'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand. :'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days. :'''Mike''': And neither are actors. :'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear. :''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]'' :'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''. :'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that? :'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s. :'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful. :'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]] :'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything. :'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex. :'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya. === [[w:Escape from the Bronx|Escape 2000]] === :''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature? :'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares] :'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :''[A man is thrown out a window]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! :''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! :''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[snickers]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]]. :'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition! :'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you— :'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable... :'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx. :'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx. :''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]'' :'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson! :. . . :'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6. :'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]'' :'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]'' :'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]'' :'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted. :'''Servo''': Pretty much. :'''Mike''': We gratefully acknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes. :''[They come across a homeless man]'' :'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. :''[He looks up at the Disinfesters] :'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion! :''[The troopers close in on him]'' :'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''! :'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave! :'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate! :'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]'' :'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]'' :'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks! :''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]'' :'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]'' :'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]'' :'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]]. :'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash. :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there! :'''Servo''': ...right there! :'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there! :''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]'' :'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite? :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us! :''[They get shot.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Trash blows up a van]'' :'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]'' :'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]'' :'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five! === [[w:Laserblast|Laserblast]] === :''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. :. . . :''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A pan shot reveals a stop motion alien emerging from a spacecraft.] :'''Mike''': Oh great, [[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]'' :'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]'' :'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow! :'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow". :'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". :''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]'' :'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']]. :'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz. :'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]'' :'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone. :'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary. :'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]'' :'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]'' :'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank. :'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot. :'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! : . . . :''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]'' :'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]'' :'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.] :'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars. :'''Crow''': Huh. :'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star. :'''Mike''': Oh wow. :'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera! :''[Servo coughs. Mike turns a page.]'' :'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''. :'''Crow''': Uhh— :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars. :'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out. :'''Servo''': Oh. Good. :'''Mike''': Lemme see here... :'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]? :'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong... :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got? :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars. :'''Crow''': Hm? :'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it. :'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars. :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': I'm kidding. :'''Crow''': Oh. :'''Servo''': I hope so. :'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh... :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Mm-hm. :'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''. :'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''. :'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible... :'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''&mdash;two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars. :'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?'' :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What? :'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding. :'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez... :'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''. :'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''. :''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no— :'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Mike''': OK, ah— :'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike. :'''Mike''': Uh, yeah... :'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''— :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''— :'''Servo''': Uh huh. :'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''— :'''Servo''': No! :'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''— :'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that! :'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars. :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': The same quality. :'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way. :'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace". :'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''. == Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ([[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]) == :''[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Mornin', Mike! :'''Mike''': ''[exhausted]'' Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? ''[drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven. :'''Mike''': ''[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face]'' And sweet yams? :'''Gypsy''': Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! ''[Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk]'' Here's a hard-copy! ''[gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading]'' The [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] lost again. :'''Servo''': ''[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches]'' Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm? :'''Mike''': No, Tom. Everything appears nominal. :'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be? :'''Mike''': ''[listens to the sound/noise]'' Yeah, what is that? :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''what is that'', hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is ''not'' something you should be hearing. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here.... :'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow? :'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand! :'''Mike''': ''[Turning to Gypsy, alerted]'' Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him! :'''Gypsy''': Roger! ''[familiar ''Commercial Sign'' alarm is active]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance ''basement'' bay, inevitably making yet ''another'' escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing [[w:It's a Long Way to Tipperary|It's a Long Way to Tipperary]]]'' It's a ''long way'' to ''tipperary''... ''[*Thunk!*]'' To the ''sweetest'' girl I ''know''...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' Goodbye to [[w:Noah Beery|Noah ''Beery'']]... ''[*Thunk!*]'' Hello [[w:Harold Lloyd|Harold ''LLOOOOOOYD'']]...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' :'''Mike''': ''[O.S.]'' Crow! :'''Crow''': Huh? :'''Mike''': Crow, listen, you gotta stop! :'''Crow''': Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! ''[*Thunk!*] :'''Servo''': ''[hovering down]'' Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space! :'''Crow''': Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! ''[*Thunk!*]'' ''[continues singing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushes to Crow]'' Crow, no! You'll breach the hull! :''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life]'' WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! :'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''! :'''Servo''': Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... ''Stabilize''! There, that should do it— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :''[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]'' :'''Crow''': Wow, this ''is'' confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations? :''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you! Wow, look at that: ''"Breach Hull - All Die"''! Even had it underlined! Hah! :''[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! ''[*Sproing!*]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :''[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]'' :'''Mike''': SERVO! :''[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[impressed and satisfied]'' Attaboy, Servo! :'''Crow''': I won't do ''that'' again! :. . . :'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether ''new'' to me, and frankly... I ''LOVE'' IT! :'''Mike''': Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts. :'''Crow''': Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway. :'''Mike''': Now, here you go. ''[pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]'' :'''Servo''': ''[upsettingly]'' Aw, darn! :''[*Ding! Ding! DING! ''DING!''*]'' :'''Gypsy''': It's time! Dr. F is calling for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah! Mike! ''Robots!'' I'm feeling particularly ''evil'', because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called ''This Island Earth!'' You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently! :'''Mike''': Uh, sure, we have! Last week! :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, no, no. I think that was more of a ''curtsy'' of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... ''NOW?'' ''[cuts off life support systems]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— ''[starts choking]'' :''[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]'' :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[panicking]'' Bowing, sir! :'''Servo''': ''[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]'' :''[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez! :'''Crow''': What a dickweed! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go? :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know... :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''[[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]!'' ''[pulls a lever]'' :''[*''Movie Sign'' Alarm*]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN! :''[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous ''Countdown Door Hallway'' that leads to the auditorium.]'' :'''[Dr. Forrester]''': ''[as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen]'' ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who '''doesn't''' have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! ''[zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly]'' I am the God... I'm the God!! ==== This Island Earth (movie) ==== :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as they enter]'' It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had! :'''Mike''': Notice how [[w:Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Oh, who sneezed on the credits? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen]'' :'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International? <hr width="50%"/> :''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]'' :'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w:The Price is Right|The Price is Right]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'! :'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w:Taurus (constellation)|Taurus the bull]]! :'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces. :'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt. :'''Servo''': Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... No, he's not in this one, we're ''safe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful... :''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]'' :'''Servo''': ...oh. :'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital. :'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! You can see the [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] losing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor. :'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe running towards the Jeep]'' :'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose. :'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w:Aunt Jemima|Dr. Jemima]]! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best. :''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum! :''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay. :'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w:Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.{{hnote|Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like ''Star Wars'', of course?}} : . . . :''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]] :''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]'' :'''Mike''': Fries are up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house. :'''Crow''': A man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w:Interocitor|Interocitor]].]'' :'''Servo''': But before unpacking – [[w:D'oh!|D'OH]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts. :''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir! :''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Where do we start? :'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say... :'''Servo''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!" :'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!" :'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe. :'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good! :''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]'' :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in! :''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope! :''[The Interocetor is now ablaze.]'' :'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda! :'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?! :'''Mike''': No! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?! :'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' NO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brack enters the scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]! :'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]]. :''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]'' :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning! :'''Meacham''': Good morning. :'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': What I want to know is... :'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death. :'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve Carlson''': Dr. Adams. :'''Ruth''': Yes, Steve? :'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]'' :'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? :'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent— :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien! :'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. :'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world. :'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien. : . . . :'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': [[w:Alien (creature in Alien franchise)|Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]'' :'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]'' :'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails. :''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]'' :'''Exeter''': They're magnetized. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view. :'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW! <hr width="50%'> :''[We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]'' :'''Servo''': What kind of shithole planet ''is'' this?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM! :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU! :'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter! :'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me! :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK! :'''Mike''': ACTING! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go... :''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]'' :'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal. :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal. :'''Ruth''': Home... :'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here. :'''Crow''': [[w:TGIF|And Friday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando! :'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind! :'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Julie [[w:Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credit for [[w:Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]'' :'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits end with "all rights reserved".]'' :'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl? == Season 8 == === [[w:Revenge of the Creature|Revenge of the Creature]] === :''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men? :'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it! :'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A... :'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''{{hnote|Planet of the Apes reference.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]'' :'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]'' :'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]'' :'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]'' :'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]'' :'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! === [[w:The Leech Woman|The Leech Woman]] === :''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'': :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]. :'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns. :'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]'' :'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Neil Foster''': Mrs. Talbot, I know this is painful, but it's one of those things that have to be done when you plan a divorce. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': You have to be married. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]'' :'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]'' :'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]? : . . . :''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey. :'''Sally''': I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try? :'''Servo [as Neil]''': Nah, let's go get a burger. :'''Neil''': No I- I don't. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': I left you some gum in the car... :'''Neil''': I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs. :'''Servo [as Neil]''': There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked. :'''Neil''': ''[defensive]'' Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... ''[Sally walks away]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]'' :'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me? :''[Teri pulls away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question. :'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't. :'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]'' :'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''. === [[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]] === :''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]'' :'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. :'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out. :'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over... :'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty. :'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told. :'''Servo''': It's a story botched. :'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye. :'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]'' :'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there! === [[w:The Deadly Mantis|The Deadly Mantis]] === :'''Crow''': ''[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth]'' [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced]]. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[mournfully]'' Yes; the Earth has been destroyed. :'''Mike''': ''[as Movie Sign blares]'' No, even '''worse''' than that; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For every action... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]'' :'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy. :'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]'' :'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A volcano erupts.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]'' :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford? :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': General Tennessee Ernie Ford? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': ... Yes. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Well, try lancing it. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over. :'''Mike [as Dr. Jackson]''': General wants another foot massage. :'''Marge Blaine''': Everything alright? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Of course. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': They just demoted me to the gift shop. :'''Marge Blaine''': Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you. :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': It is so! :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Very nosey. :'''Marge Blaine''': Okay, be mysterious. :'''Mike [as Marge]''': I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret? :'''Marge Blaine''': Hope to die. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': They found an old bone up at the north pole. :'''Crow''': ''[as Marge says nothing]'' Mrs. Bert Lahr. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. ''[leaves]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]'' :'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... :'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? === [[w:The Thing That Couldn't Die|The Thing That Couldn't Die]] === :''[The black and white Universal logo appears]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': In weather today, the oceans turned black! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story! :'''Mike''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]'' :'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. :'''Servo''': A trade rat? :'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. :'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine. :'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]'' :'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal! :'''Linda''': It still runs. :'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]'' :'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. :'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there. :'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]'' :'''Flavia''': What's that? :'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot. :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank! === [[w:The Undead (film)|The Undead]] === :''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie! :''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That's it, we're doomed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret. : . . . :'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! : . . . :'''Servo''': Peter Pan, Antichrist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]'' :'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. :'''Quintus''': When I touch you… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait. :'''Quintus''': …we will be one. :'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]'' :'''Servo''': Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages. :'''Mike [as [[w:Ray_Szmanda|Ray Szmanda]]]''': Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]'' :'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike. :'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]'' :'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a knight confronts Smolkin]'' :'''Knight''': Do you jest with me, gravedigger? :'''Smolkin''': Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust. :'''Mike''': ''[of Smolkin]'' Digs graves and plays with your mind! ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Smolkin]'' And would thoust get me a '''''[[w:Mad (magazine)|Mad Magazine]]'''''? :'''Servo''': ''[as Smolkin]'' I have to watch '''''[[w:Mad About You|Mad About You]]''''' tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]'' :'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… :'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666! :'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. :'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience. : . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as Satan laughs]'' [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|You're stuck here!]] :'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]'' :'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Helene expounds on the dilemma facing her:] :'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quintus''': STAAY!! === [[w:Terror from the Year 5000|Terror from the Year 5000]] === :''[Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.]'' :'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample! :'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read! :'''Scientist 1''': What is it? :'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet. :'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown. :'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]'' :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy? :'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going? :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball? :'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a light. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]'' :'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh! :''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]'' :'''Mike, Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it. === [[w:The She-Creature|The She-Creature]] === :''[To keep the Observers at bay so Pearl and Bobo can escape, the Nanites place a Number 7 move on the planet below]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, what's a Number 7? ''[the planet explodes]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, you blew up '''another''' planet! What is your deal? :'''Mike Nelson''': I just told them to take care of a little problem! :'''Crow''': And they did! Here comes Mike- Destroyer of Worlds! :'''Servo''': Oh God of Fire and Vengeance... stay away from me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]'' :'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]'' :'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee. :'''Andrea''': I'd like that. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''? :'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]]. :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire. :'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch? :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]]. :'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]'' :'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor? :'''Erickson''': No. :'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]! :... :'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkeling! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." <hr width="50%"/> :''[The creature has just mortally attacked Lombardi as blank-faced Dr. Erickson looks on:] :'''Mike [as Erickson]''': Well, mmm, gosh, I, mmm... Hmm. Uh... :... :''[Erickson continues to emote incomprehensibly:] :'''Crow''': Fear? Elation? What is it? :... :'''Crow''': Despair? Love? Joy? Tell us! :... :'''Crow''': Concern? Passion? Hunger? What, Lance? :... :'''Crow''': Ennui? Angst? Apathy? ''Gas?'' :... :'''Servo''': Cold? Jubilant? Headache-y? :'''Mike''': His emotional memory is the previous scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Man, if ever I wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[stinger; Bobo lies on the floor of the Camping Planet, in pain from the crash landing]'' :'''Bobo''': ''[weakly]'' Ow; my spine. Ow... === [[w:I Was a Teenage Werewolf|I Was a Teenage Werewolf]] === :''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles! :'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of. : . . . :'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]'' :'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...? :'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this. :'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]'' :'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! : . . . :''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. :'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. === [[w:The Giant Spider Invasion|The Giant Spider Invasion]] === :''[First lines of the movie]'' :'''Man''': Sheriff! :'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]] :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]'' :'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace. :''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]'' :'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala! :. . . :'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Repeated line]'' :'''Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]'' :'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion! :'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.]'' :'''Crow''': A showered person... thank God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]'' :'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass. :'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy! :'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]'' :'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! :''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]'' :'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules... :'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!? :'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]'' :'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink. :'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job. :'''Dan''': I found another body... :'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]'' :'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]'' :'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us! :'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]'' :'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]'' :'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]] :'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]] :'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer! . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as another mob member]'' No more schools; more hockey arenas! . . . :'''Sheriff''': ''[observing the mob from a distance]'' They're hell-bent on destroyin' that thing! :'''Crow''': ''[as a mob member]'' We're hell-bent! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders]'' And yet, [[w:Bill Rebane|Bill Rebane]] escapes unharmed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the film credits roll]'' You know, when Barbara Hale won her Oscar, she gave a very touching speech where she said- to effect- "VAAAAANCE!!". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[urging Bobo to fight back against the alien pods]'' You're the only one who can do it; you're a magnificant mountain gorilla. You are Bobo- son of Koko! :'''Bobo''': Yes- yes! '''And''' heir to the great lineage of [[w:Saru No Gundan|Godo]], Mogo and [[w:Speed Racer|Chim-Chim]]! ''[springs into action with an invigorated roar]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobo''': I saved you and the whole galaxy! Aren't you proud? :'''Pearl''': You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my [pod clone] body. Brain guy, send them the movie - ''again.'' :'''Mike, & The Bots [over the credits]''': MOVIE SIGN! AGAIN! === [[w:Parts: The Clonus Horror|parts: the clonus horror]] === :''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]'' :'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s! :'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President! :'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']'' :'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': Oh, I don't think this is headed toward a happy ending. :'''Mike''': Y'know, at this point any ending would make me happier than I've ever been. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]'' :'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write. :'''Richard''': Write? :'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas. :'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex beside a campfire and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]'' :'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! :. . . :''[Later, David picks up a book]'' :'''Mike [as David]:''' ''Crotch Fires and You''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]'' :'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia! : . . . :''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes! : . . . :'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus... :'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar? :. . . :'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything? :'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]'' :'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you? :'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape? :'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary. :'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]]. === [[w:The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies]] === :''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development". :'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group. :'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]'' :'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]]. :. . . :'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving. :'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintegrating, right? :'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket. :'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child. :. . . :'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair. :. . . :'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning. :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. :''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the music in the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema. :. . . :'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it... :'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]'' :'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''. :'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': How's college? :'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time. :'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college. :'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]'' :'''Mike''': You know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': The "Feliz Navidad" dancers. :. . . :'''Crow''': Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring? :'''Mike''': Well, provocative in their boringness? :. . . :'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing. :'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''. :'''Crow''': There's something ''Laverne & Shirley''-esque about this. :. . . :'''Servo''': ''Riverdance'': The strip show! :'''Mike''': Ah, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint. :. . . :'''Mike''': So how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Carmelita performs]'' :'''Crow''': Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen. :'''Servo''': Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up? :'''Mike''': Watch as she walks around. :'''Crow''': You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carol and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]'' :'''Mike [as Carol]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… :'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape! :'''Servo''': Now, everybody— shave! :'''Crow''': Replace your blade every two weeks! :'''Mike''': No nicks or cuts! Comfort and convenience! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]'' :'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]'' :'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me. :'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know? :'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''? :'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing who played Madison]'' :'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison. :'''Crow''': Drunk played by himself. Hobo, himself. Stripper, herself. === [[w:Jack Frost (1964 film)|Jack Frost]] === :''[Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson IS... '''''LORD OF THE DANCE'''''! :'''Gypsy''': Oh!... did the other one die? :'''Crow''': I dunno... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[after Mike finishes a display of dancing]'' Oh... Um, yaaay! Well, there's this sink I need to take a look at, so I'll just... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]'' :'''Stepmother''': Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light. :'''Mike [as the Stepmother]''': [[w:Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl]]'s on fire, it's great! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]'' :'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]'' :'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: [[w:Every Which Way But Loose|Every Which Way But Loose]] or [[w:Any Which Way You Can|Any Which Way You Can]] ] :'''Pearl''': What the hell is going on here? Thinking ''Every Which Way But Loose'' is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- '''the''' best ape movie- ever is ''[[w:Dunston Checks In|Dunston Checks In]]''; end of story. ''[adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her]'' Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! :'''Mike''': Uh, I'm right here. :'''Pearl''': Oh... ''[turns around to face Nelson]'' ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Russian names are on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stepmother''': ''[after telling Nastenka to knit socks outside]'' They better be done by the time the rooster crows, you hear me? Otherwise, I'll tear your braid off! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka, singing]'' M is for the many times you beat me... O is for the other times you beat me... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]'' :'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…? :'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume… :''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''. : . . . :'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn! :'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]]. :'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors. : . . . :'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape! <hr width="50%"/> :''[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.] :'''Ivan''': Nastenka! :'''Servo''': It was her bucket full of [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. :'''Ivan''': What's the matter? :'''Crow [as Ivan]''': Am I un-''bear''-able? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' Damn it, [[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Puck]]! This time you've gone too far! :'''Ivan''': What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?! :'''Mike''': ''[as Ivan, crying and running off]'' Mommy!! :'''Servo''': ''[as Ivan/Yogi]'' [[The Yogi Bear Show|I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket]]! :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka]'' We have to register at Club Wed! :'''Nastenka''': Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you! :'''Ivan''': ''[angrily]'' I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch! :'''Servo''': Tonight on a very special [[w:The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams|Grizzly Adams]]. :'''Mike''': ''[as Nastenka]'' Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivan''': ''[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear]'' I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather! :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' It's funny when you think about it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]'' :'''Father Mushroom''': Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask... :'''Servo''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Do I crap in the woods? :'''Father Mushroom''': ...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; '''only''' yourself. You offended everyone else. :'''Crow''': Heed these words, Mike. :'''Father Mushroom''': Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings. :'''Ivan''': I hurt her feelings?! :'''Father Mushroom''': You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice: :'''Mike''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Shave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]'' :'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess. :'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow. :'''Marfushka''': Oh, no? :'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''! :'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond]'' And the Freelance Shame Squad is there! . . . :''[later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd]'' :'''Servo''': It's a young Mike Nelson! :'''Mike''': ''[offended]'' Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom is seen observing Ivan from a distance]'' :'''Servo''': Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Hunchback Fairy/Baba Yaga has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]'' :'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry! :'''Fairy''': Are you afraid? :'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel! :'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it]'' :'''Fairy''': ''Foul is fair, and fair is foul...'' :'''Servo''': ''[as sled]'' Oink, ma'am. :'''Ivan''': What's that? :'''Fairy''': Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. ''[throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]'' :'''Servo''': She left it in drive. :'''Fairy''': ''[calling out to Ivan, chuckling]'' Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me! :'''Crow''': Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' Eat lead, spring! :'''Crow''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' I do frost, and I do it well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]'' :'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]'' :'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here! :'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]'' :'''Crow [as Nastenka]''': We spit on your doorstep! :'''Servo''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Crow''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Mike [as her hectored father]''': Please take me with you, please, please... :'''Nastenka''': I'd like you to meet... :'''Servo [as Nastenka]''': Uh, what's your name again? :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka, my fiance. :'''Crow [as Ivan through a forced smile]''': I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka confronts Grandfather Frost while lost in the woods]'' :'''Marfushka''': Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... ''[shoves Frost to the ground]'' ...and make it quick! :'''Crow''': ''[as Marfushka]'' You stuttering frosted freak! :'''Frost''': H-help! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]'' :'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh! :'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]] :'''Mike''': It's… :'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators! : . . . :'''Servo''': They're singing about controlling their nose hair. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the bandits' cudgels Ivan threw into the air earlier in the movie come back down and hit the bandits on the head, as one of them lets out a genuinely pained groan after getting hit]'' :'''Crow''': Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]'' :'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it! :'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more! === [[w:Gemini Man (TV series)|Riding with Death]] === :''[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need! :'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic! :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal? :'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?! :'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard gas! Get the masks! :'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch. :'''Observer''': Good god, ape... :'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out! :''[Clanking sound is heard]'' :'''Observer''': Hand grenade! :'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast! :'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]'' :''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda... :'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or— :'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that... :'''Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike. :'''Crow''': Just a little too much. :''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]'' :'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired... :'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda— :'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that... :'''Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike! :'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away! :'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]'' :'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike! :'''Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper. :'''Crow''': Is that so? :''[Mike reenters without the bomb]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee... :'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction... :'''Crow''': A little distraction! :''[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now? :'''Servo''': Think so... :'''Crow''': And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!{{hnote|That's the third time Mike's destroyed a planet!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]'' :'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]. :'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story. :'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy? :. . . :'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O. :. . . :'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong. :'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky. :'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]'' :'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. '''Servo''' makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]'' :'''Mike [as Driscoll]''': What is ''on'' these things? :'''Driscoll''': The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But... :'''Crow [as Driscoll]''': I have to clean my glasses first. :'''Driscoll''': Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us... :'''Servo [as Driscoll]''': My glasses are filthy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic! <hr width="50%"/> :<span id="CrowSyndrome-RwD">''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''</span> :'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67. :'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex. :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now. :'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— :'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh—Crow! : . . . :''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]'' :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now. :'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad. :'''Mike''': You inspired me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]'' :'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]'' :'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]! === [[w:Agent for H.A.R.M.|Agent for H.A.R.M.]] === :''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby! : . . . :''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]'' :'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range. :'''Mike''': The judo ''range''? : . . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later. : . . . :''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]'' :'''Adam''': Judo range! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too. :'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam:''' I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear? :'''Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers. :'''Dr. Stefanik:''' Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. ''[Walks away.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' I'll go get the cot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz? :'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees? :'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it! :'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey? :'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]'' :'''Ava''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone? :'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]'' :'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]'' :'''Mike''': Here's the wind up.... :''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]'' :'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]'' :'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger! :'''Servo''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! === [[w:Planet Prince|Prince of Space]] === :''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]'' :'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]'' :'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore? :'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down! : . . . :'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]'' :'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About. :'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]'' :'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We hear a barking dog running past]'' :'''Servo [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! :''[A police car drives past in the same direction]'' :'''Mike''': ''After that dog!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. :. . . :''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]'' :'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren! :'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"? :'''Servo''': "Diffren"? :'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! :'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]'' :'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. :'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.] :'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun! :'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting. :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken! :'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! :'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh! :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]'' :'''Phantom''': What a fool! :'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen! :'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phantom''': Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What's that? :'''Phantom''': Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What!? :'''Servo''': For cryin' out loud... '''EACH! OF! YOU! WILL! ENTER! A! SPACE! CAPSULE!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phantom is hiding behind the door as Prince of Space bursts in; Phantom quietly exits.] :'''Mike''': The easily-bamboozled Prince of Space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Speaking of the monster which guards Krankor:] :'''Phantom''': Quite right, my dear Macken. A monster which I created. He obeys my slightest command. :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Like, "Wander around aimlessly and gain weight." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]'' :'''Prince of Space''': Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me? :'''Phantom''': Shoot him! :'''Mike [as henchman]''': Brilliant new plan, sir! === [[w:The Horror of Party Beach|The Horror of Party Beach]] === :''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]'' :'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]] :'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]'' :'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway? :'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own ''head'' with drawn butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the [[w:Taliban|Taliban]] militia: dancing should not be allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. :'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]'' :: Chances are :: That I'll kick your scrawny ass... :. . . :''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]'' :'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eulabelle''': It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin! :'''Crow [as Eulabelle]''': You wouldn't understand! :. . . :'''Dr. Gavin''': Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research. :'''Eulabelle''': And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there. :'''Dr. Gavin''': That's enough! :'''Mike [as Dr. Gavin]''': You're scaring me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]'' :'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid. :'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]'' :'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?" :'''Servo''': Huh? :'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"! :'''Servo''': "Look Polish"! :'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]'' :'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something. :'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The time of day has been changing]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . === [[w:Devil Doll (film)|Devil Doll]] === :'''Tom Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Have you seen Crow? :'''Mike Nelson''': Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing. :'''Servo''': Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about... :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[offscreen]'' DEBBIE!! :'''Mike Nelson''': Debbie, right; that's it. :'''Crow''': ''[offscreen]'' Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! ''[punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]'' :'''Servo''': ''[wincing]'' Oh, please, say that was a lamp! :'''Mike Nelson''': Uh, it was probably just a lamp. :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie! :'''Servo''': He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in! :'''Crow''': I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care! :'''Mike Nelson''': Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie. :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' I don't care! Debbie! Let me go! :'''Servo''': ''[also sobbing]'' My windoooowww! :''[some time later]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': There, there, Crow. :'''Crow''': Debbie... :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful? :'''Crow''': I think I like the Debbie one better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl and Observer/Brain Guy attempt to liven up a gathering in Roman times with a toga party, before deciding on another approach...]'' :'''Observer''': Pants party! :'''Emperor''': ''[as crowd whoops and cheers]'' These are remarkable, and '''''vastly''''' superior to our own apparel! :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' Ah; that's better. . . . :''[later as the two are guests at a gladiator match]'' :'''Emperor''': ''[greeting the crowd]'' Citizens, if you haven't already noticed- I'm wearing '''pants'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera cuts to Hugo in the back seat of a car as it drives along.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' I'm driving with my ''mind!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|Am I a mod or a rocker]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[to the other robots]'' You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge. :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show]'' Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips! :'''Mike''': ''[audience continues applauding]'' Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act! :''[Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hugo]'' That sucked! Even '''I''' didn't believe I was talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free. :''[Later in the same shot]'' :'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]'' :'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger... :'''Servo''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Then I'll be right back. :'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment. :''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]'' :'''Servo''': ''[of Vorelli]'' A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face. :'''The Great Vorelli''': ''[to the volunteer]'' You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets. :'''Mike''': [[w:The Manchurian Candidate|The Manchurian Ventriloquist]]! :'''The Great Vorelli''': I want you to imagine you are in his place. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Why so negative? . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation]'' Should we really call '''''this''''' the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"? . . . :'''All''': ''[as crowd]'' Hooray; more! :''[Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Hey; pay attention! :'''Crow''': ''[as crowd claps]'' Ha ha; we love your cruelty! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight? :'''Hugo''': Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing. :'''The Great Vorelli''': What do you mean? :'''Hugo''': Simply that you are laughing while I am talking. :'''The Great Vorelli''': And what's wrong with that? :'''Hugo''': Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny. :'''The Great Vorelli''': Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Min-wax, Hugo? :'''Hugo''': ''[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine]'' Give me some wine. I want some wine. :'''The Great Vorelli''': A dummy? Drinking wine? :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Spodie-odie? :'''The Great Vorelli''': Don't be ridiculous! :'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]] :'''The Great Vorelli''': You are a dummy, Hugo. :'''Crow''': ''[as the audience claps]'' The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]'' :'''Crow: '''[as Hugo]'' You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham! <hr width="50%"/> :''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': This time- Hugo- you are going to die. :'''Crow''': ''[as Mercedes]'' At this point, t'ere were some warning signs... ... :'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and... looked at the ceiling. Then... he died. He died. :'''Mike''': ''[as Mark]'': Did he live? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo... :'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]'' :'''Mike''': [as Hugo]'': Please cover my cage... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]'' :'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]'' :'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Hugo in Vorelli's body]'' I'm sweaty because I was choking a puppet. Ah, no no, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as the film ends]'' Hugo the Dummy was arraigned in Superior Court, County of Los Angeles; in a moment, the results of that trial. === [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] === :''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]'' :'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]'' :'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud! :. . . :'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. :. . . :''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]'' :'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]'' :'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]'' :'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]'' :'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]'' :'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef? :'''Mike''': That's "Chief." :'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime! :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief. :'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]'' :'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...? :'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia? :'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers! :'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of... :'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]] :. . . :'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up? :'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No. :'''Crow''': Sure? :'''Mike''': ...Yeah. :. . . :''[Another spaceship begins to dive] :'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]'' :'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this? :'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!''''' :'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa! :'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow tries to hurry along a tensionless countdown:]'' :'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight... :'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, right. One... :'''Scientist''': Seven... :'''Crow''': One. :'''Scientist''': Six... :'''Crow''': One! :'''Scientist''': Five... :'''Crow''': ''One!!'' :'''Scientist''': Four, three... :'''Crow''': '''''ONE!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]'' :'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglas disc.]'' :'''Crow [as commander]''': Say, has anyone seen my record? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:]'' :'''Servo [as probe]''': Oh, no, you kids again? Is there ''anyone'' else on this planet? === [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] === :''[repeated line]'' :'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]'' :'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]." :'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory." :'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff? :'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then. :'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike! :'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.'' :'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu. :'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge! :'''Mike''': So? :'''Servo''': Under construction?! :'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set. :'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]'' :'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].{{hnote|Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]'' :'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships. :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree. :'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]'' :'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]'' :'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement. :'''Mike''': I disagree! :'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''. :'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone. :'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report. :'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first. :'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future? :'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No! :'''Servo''': The easily led wise council. :''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]'' :'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors! :'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww! :'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it! :'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them. :'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag! :''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick] :'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs! :'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party." :'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason? :'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir! :'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge. :'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, lady! :'''Lea''': Doctor! :'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''. :'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady! :. . . :'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice! :'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice! :. . . :''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel. :'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]! :'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car. :'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy! :'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''! :'''Kalgan''': ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! ''[hums ''Entrance of the Gladiators'']'' : . . . :'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing! : . . . :''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]'' :'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]] :''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead! :'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead! :'''Mike''': She died! :''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen? :'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. : . . . :''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]'' :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. :'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]! : . . . :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret. :'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. : . . . :''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]'' :'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]'' :'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally. :'''Commander Jansen''': Alright. :'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Jansen''': Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . . :'''Crow''': You're fired. :. . . :''[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally! :. . . :'''Mike''': Woooo! We got [[w:ISO 9000#Contents of ISO 9001|ISO 9001]] certified! :. . . :''[Ryder leaves to find Lea]'' :'''Servo''': He's gonna have ''so much sex'' with your daughter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]'' :'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]'' :'''Lea''': I'm leaving. :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': You wanna get me some coffee? :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea! :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Get me some coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur? :'''Servo''': Oh? :'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]'' :'''Crow''': Here's some free advice for the mutineers: ''just stop and '''aim''', you idiots!'' :'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]'' :'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that. :'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history. :'''Lea''': You bastard! :'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]'' :'''Servo''': And our brave hero roasts the disabled man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]'' :'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]'' :'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Throughout the film, Mike and the Bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]'' :'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead! :'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat! :'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk! :'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift! :'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank! :'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair! :'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag! :'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge! :'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast! :'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese! :'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots! :'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest! :'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone! :'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob! :'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw! :'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin! :'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest! :'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen! :'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec! :'''Mike''': Rip Steakface! :'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock! :'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal! :'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat! :'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek! :'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron! :'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody! :'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch! :'''Mike''': Buff Hardback! :'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait... :'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck! :'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak! :'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust! :'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth! :'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod! :'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody! :'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge! :'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle! :'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef! :'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist! :'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going? :'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike! :'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for? :'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it. :'''Mike''': Uhhh... :''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins. :'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted. :'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! :'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! :'''Servo''': You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': You and your '80s! :'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s! :'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you! :'''Servo''': Yeah! :'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it! :''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]'' :'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man! :'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't! :''[After a while Mike sits up]'' :'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man. :''[Pause of a second]'' :'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him! :'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either! :'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end, Tom, there, there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over. :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike! :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike! :'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too. === [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] === :''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]'' :'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm. :'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn. :'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too. :''[The logo fades out]'' :'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents— :'''Mike''': Okay, stop. :'''Crow''': Cut it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]'' :'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here. :'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]'' :'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]'' :'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]'' :'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick boots up his computer]'' :'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the first scene in 2041]'' :'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future. :''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]'' :'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents? :. . . :'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now... :. . . :''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!'' :''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]'' :'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil! :'''Robertson''': Trust me. :'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]'' :'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]'' :'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]'' :'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles! :'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]'' :'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]'' :'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]'' :'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film. :'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]'' :'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt! :''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]'' :'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lisa''': Nick! :'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''! :''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]'' :'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]'' :'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree! :'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition. :. . . :'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh! :'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right. :. . . :''[as Nick climbs down the tree]'' :'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]! :'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]'' :'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying. :''[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Satisfied]'' Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]'' :'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]'' :'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel. :'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes. :''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]'' :'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]'' :'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?! :''[The writer credit appears]'' :'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]'' :'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]'' :'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie! :. . . :'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know. :''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]'' :'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! === [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] === :'''Pearl''': And now, sit back and enjoy this special nine-part series, ''Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'', starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What was he doing in this piece of sh... surely, very quality, quality programming? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]'' :'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote! :'''Mike''': Let go of it, man! :'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses! :''[Movie Sign goes off]'' :'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]'' :'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network. :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]] :'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was... :'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it! :'''Servo''': ...Cube-an! :'''Mike''': Ahhh. :''[The cube begins to fade away]'' :'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man! :'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's theme plays]'' :'''Mike''': And now, the news. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]'' :'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Title card is shown]'' :'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank! :'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]'' :'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]'' :'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control. :''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]'' :'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny. :. . . :'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. :. . . :'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it. :'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants. :. . . :''[Fingal gets caught.]'' :'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin! :'''Computer''': Ask about his mother. :'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots. :'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Apollonia''': But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]'' :'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys? :'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an overhead shot of the word "Nirvana" written on the ground at Nirvana Village.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Come_as_You_Are_(Nirvana_song)|Come... to my mall... to my atrium, yeah yeah!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia informs Fingal of the brain augmentation required before doppling]'' :'''Fingal''': W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time... :'''Apollonia''': Sit down, Mr. Fingal. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': You need to tinkle, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Nothing to worry about. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Trust me. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]'' :'''Boy''': And blue, like this? :'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later. :'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?'' :'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room. :''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant. :. . . :''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]'' :'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]'' :'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares! :'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]'' :'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater. :'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''! :. . . :'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have? :'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now! :. . . :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]'' :'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me! :'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]'' :'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]'' :'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]'' :'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee. :. . . :'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, [[w:Ram_Dass|Ram Dass]]. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place. :'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name of "The Place"]'' :'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place". :'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up. :. . . :'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale". :. . . :'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site". :. . . :'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]'' :'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Heat_of_the_Moment_(Asia_song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]'' :'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]'' :'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored! :''[Mike and the Bots all look around]'' :'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that? :'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't... :. . . :'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! :'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that. :. . . :''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon! :... :'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work. :'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a rather adult scene]'' :'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fingal attempts to court a simulated version of Felicia]'' :'''Felicia''': I am working, Mr. Fingal. :'''Fingal''': Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love? :'''Servo''': Whoa! I wanna work in data entry! :'''Felicia''': Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?! :'''Fingal''': Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. ''[rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, there's a fly in here. :'''Crow''': ''[as the simulation rewinds]'' [[w:Backmasking|What's that? Kill myself?]] Okay, not a problem. ''[begins to walk away]'' :'''Mike''': No no, stay. :'''Fingal''': Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love? :'''Mike [as Felicia]''': This is sexual harassment, and ''I'm gonna take it!'' :''[Felicia smiles warmly and lets her hair down]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not. :'''Mike''': Hey... :''[Felicia throws her arms around Fingal]'' :'''Felicia''': Oh, I thought you'd never ask, ''big boy''. :'''Servo [as Fingal]''': Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]'' :'''Apollonia''': You're too much, Fingal, you know that? :'''Fingal''': Wait a minute, ''you're'' the one who told me to change things if I didn't like them. :'''Apollonia''': And this is what you mean by changing things?! :'''Fingal''': Why not? I'm entitled to a little bit of happiness, aren't I? :'''Apollonia''': ''Happiness?!'' :'''Crow [as Apollonia]''': You were raised Catholic! :... :'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life... :'''Crow''': Whoa! :'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! :'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part? :. . . :'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! :''[Apollonia slaps him.]'' :'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually. :. . . :'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is... :'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]'' :'''Rick''': What're you gonna do? :'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. :'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]'' :'''Computer''': What is your access code? :'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go. :'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry? :'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]'' :'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff. :'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie. :. . . :'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]'' :'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love... :'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]] :. . . :''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]'' :'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two sailors enter the club.] :'''Servo [as Maître D']''': Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Fat Man leaves]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]'' :'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius. :'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film. :. . . :''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]'' :'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards! :'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]'' :'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell. :. . . :'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! :. . . :''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]'' :'''Mike''': I love you this much! :''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't care for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]'' :'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater! :'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on! :'''Crow''': Man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The theme plays at the end.]'' :'''Mike''': And now the news. '' :''[Theme plays again.]'' :'''Mike''': That was the news. == Season 9 == === [[w:The Projected Man|The Projected Man]] === <div id="nepenthe"> :''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]'' :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay. :'''Observer''': I could be wrong. </div> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]'' :'''Man''': What's he doing? :'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]'' :'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be! :''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]'' :'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! :. . . :''[Dr. Hill drives away]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be! :''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]'' :'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension! :''[The car's engine makes odd noises]'' :'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need! <hr width="50%"/> :''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]'' :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans! :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]] :'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in! :'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end! :''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]'' :'''Thief''': Gloria? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A? :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo! :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]'' :'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on? :'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat? :'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''? :'''Mike''': Crow! :. . . :''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!! :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]'' === [[w:The Phantom Planet|The Phantom Planet]] === :''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him... :'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it. :'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen. : . . . :'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray. : . . . :''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]'' :'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]'' :'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the Bots join the fun]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. :'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]'' :'''Chapman''': I don't understand. :'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]'' ::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Guilty! Guilty! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Whoo! Yaaaay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]'' :'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another flashback sequence...] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time! :. . . :''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]'' :'''White''': Chapman! Chapman! :'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum? :'''White''': Where's Makonnen? :'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]'' :'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me... :'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all. ===[[w:The Pumaman|The Pumaman]]=== :'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': You can't hide this! :'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]'' :'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right? :'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]'' :'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle. :'''Crow''': So, basically, a mild rain could take out that roof. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, now Puma Man, flies through London for the first time as Vadinho watches.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, first thing he does is poop on ''my car''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': Look out for the-- oh, boy, right into the propellers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Pu-ma Man, he flies like a moron! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]:''' He has the project to rear project major cities. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A bird gets sucked into his engine and he goes down immediately. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, they'll find his black box and hear "DAH! WHOA HO!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Are criminals genetically drawn to construction sites? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him. :'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.]'' :'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! :... :''[The henchman gets dropped again.]'' :'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]'' :'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Puma Man theme plays, Tony prepares to teleport to his friend Matthew while he's driving a fire truck.]'' :'''Mike [as Gilbert Gottfried]''': I'm in the fire truck for ''USA Up All Night''. :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio. :'''Servo [as Tony]''': I keep dreaming of a little man in a tiny car. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony teleports into his girlfriend Jane's car, seeking information. Jane is wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, he gets drunk and pops into old girlfriends' cars. :'''Jane''': Tony! How'd you get here? :'''Tony''': Never mind. Drive. :'''Servo''': ...he said. :'''Jane''': But they'll kill you if they find you. Kobras wants to kill you and they're following me, they're right behind me. :'''Tony''': Never mind. Tell me where the mask is. :'''Crow''': Get your copy at Blockbuster. :'''Jane''': Don't ask me that, I can't. I swear I'd like to, but I can't. I'm conditioned to keep the secret just like everyone. I can't do it. :'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''! :'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]'' :'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]'' :'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man! :'''Crow''': PU-ma Man! :'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald? :'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being! :'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth... :'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you. :'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return! :'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Everyone sings along with the Puma Man theme while Vadinho and Puma Man fight Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Dick's Red Owl, selection and service...'' :'''Servo''': ''Snyder Drug, we're busting up prices...'' :'''Crow''': ''When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip...'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[singing to the theme from ''The Greatest American Hero'']'' ''Believe it or not, this movie's still on, it should have ended two hours ago...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone— the goal of every great hero! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. === [[w:Werewolf (1996 film)|Werewolf]] === :''[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]'' :'''Mike''': I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts... :'''Pearl''': ''[Looking at the back of her cereal box]'' Brain Guy. :'''Observer''': Yeah. ''[Summons a cannon which points at Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again? :'''Pearl''': ''[Still reading the back of her cereal box]'' "Werewolf". :'''Mike''': "Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you? :'''Observer''': ''[Still reading the back of his cereal box]'' No. :'''Mike''': Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... ''[Hastily climbs back up the ladder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]'' :'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike! :'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]'' :''[Mike enters.] :'''Mike''': Hey, guys. :'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH! :'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke... :'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that! :'''Servo''': Thank you! :'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it. :''[Mike finishes chuckling]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo. :'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]'' :'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here! :'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]'' :'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists! :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park. :. . . :'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts... :'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the moon]'' :'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon! :'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla! :''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]'' :'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]'' :'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you? :'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]'' :'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now. :'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all! :'''Mike''': Heh, good one! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]'' :'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary! :'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything. :'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]'' :'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]'' :'''Crow:''' It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore. :'''Mike:''' ''[holding a rag to his head]'' Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches! :'''Crow:''' Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- ''[notices Mike's new features]'' hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man! :'''Mike:''' Really? :'''Crow:''' Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god! :''[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]'' :'''Mike:''' Wha- what?! :'''Servo:''' Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head! :'''Mike:''' ''[Mike does so]'' So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. ''[voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow]'' Hey! Wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence. :'''Servo:''' Blech! Don't say essence! :'''Mike:''' Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm... :'''Crow:''' ''[choruses with Mike]'' Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said! :'''Servo:''' Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW! :'''Crow:''' Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel? :'''Mike:''' Well I feel thin... :'''Crow:''' Uh-huh. :'''Mike:''' ...I have an intense love for bacon... :'''Crow:''' Oh yeah! :'''Mike:''' ...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet. :'''Crow:''' Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great! :'''Mike:''' Man, I love us! :'''Crow:''' Yeah, me too! :'''Servo:''' ''[disgusted]'' If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! ''[leaves]'' :'''Mike:''' Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect? :'''Crow:''' Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so... :'''Mike:''' Okay, good. :'''Crow:''' You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC- :'''Mike:''' Already have! :'''Crow:''' Great! ''[Commercial sign starts]'' Oop. ''[choruses with Mike]'' Well be right back! :'''Mike:''' Haha! What else? :'''Crow:''' Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines. :'''Mike:''' Ooh, good point! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]'' :'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this? :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to? :'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''. :'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it! :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]'' :'''Sam''': Werewolf? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]] :'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' === [[w:The Deadly Bees|The Deadly Bees]] === :''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]'' :'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]! : . . . :'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.] :'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub] :'''Hargrove''': Morning, David. :'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you? :'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual. :'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late? :'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you? :'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England. :'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]'' :'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death? :'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees. :'''Coroner''': And her dog? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… :''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]]. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]] :'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know. :'''Mike''': Huh? :''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs! :'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]'' :'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]'' :'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]'' :'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]'' :'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this? :'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? === [[w:The Space Children|The Space Children]] === ==== Century 21 Calling (short) ==== :''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind. :'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that? :'''Crow''': I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]'' :'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there. :'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]'' :'''Crow [as Girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]'' :'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]'' :'''Mike [as Lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. :''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]'' :'''Crow [as Boy]''': The Führer will like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]'' :'''Grandma''': Hello? :'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma? :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': Where's my money? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No. :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. :''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a demonstration of the wonders of push-button telephones.]'' :'''Mike [as Bell Woman]''': And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET!'' ==== The Space Children (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]'' :'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]'' :'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why? :'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand. :''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]'' :'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality… === [[w:Hobgoblins (film)|Hobgoblins]] === :'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]'' :'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes? :'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dennis opens the vault door.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short! :'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits! :'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]'' :'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight! :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight. :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried... :'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]'' :'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…? :. . . :''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]'' :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]]. :. . . :''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]'' ::It's the '80s! ::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]'' :'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]'' :'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van (song)|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]'' :'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]'' :'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]! : . . . :''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]'' :'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie! :''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.] :'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash! :''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]'' :'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]'' :'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you? :'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know! :'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins." :'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me? :'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go! :'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo! : . . . :'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now! :'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad! :'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen! :''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war? :'''Kevin''': No, what? :'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out! === [[w:The Touch of Satan|The Touch of Satan]] === :''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]'' :'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy? :'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge. : . . . :''[Fade to table of people laughing]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''! :''[all laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]! :'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit! : . . . :'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done? :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]'' :'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. : . . . :'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. : . . . :'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around. :''[Jody drives off.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''. :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jody''': This your pond? :''[Lengthy pause]'' :'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question. :'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father. :'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond? :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog. :''[''Another'' pause] :'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car? :'''Jody''': Yeah. :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]'' :'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives. :''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]'' :'''Jody''': Why did you run? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. :'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. :''[A pause.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? :''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives. <hr width=50%"/> :''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]'' :'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]'' :'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch. :. . . :''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]'' :'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..." :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine. :'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap. :'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears." :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think. :'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." :''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]'' :'''Strickland''': What is it, child? :'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something. :'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God. :'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. :'''Strickland''': "Yea..." :'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!" :'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..." :'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…" :'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine." :'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! :. . . :''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David? :'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf? :'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it? :'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! === [[w:Gorgo (film)|Gorgo]] === :''[The film starts with a message about the filming locations of London and Dublin.]'' :'''Mike''': "London, England"... Yeah, which was paid for by exorbitant taxes on Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend. :'''Servo''': ''(after the message fades)'' Wait, I just got three words into it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]'' :'''Mike''': And...? :''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]'' ::They got into port and everyone was okay. ::They went out for lunch and felt better... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]'' :'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit. :'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm. <hr width="50%"> : '''Joe''': Well, what do you know? : '''Mike, Crow, Servo''': [[w:Whad'Ya Know?|Not much. You?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]'' :'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight! :'''Joe''': The sooner, the better! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]'' :'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Gorgo]''': McRoar! O'Growl! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]'' :'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Put a guard on that thing, 24/7. And give him a rifle. :'''Tom''': Don’t give the monster a rifle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]'' :'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass? :'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more. :'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage? :'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work! :'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh. :'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— :''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]'' :'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]'' :'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea. :'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales. === [[w:The Final Sacrifice|The Final Sacrifice]] === :'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]'' :'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A". :'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses. :. . . :'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]'' :'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it. :'''Servo''': Already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]'' :'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''? :'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate. :. . . :'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to&mdash; :'''Servo''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.''''' :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. :. . . :''[Troy visits his father's grave.]'' :'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy enters his attic.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. :. . . :''[Troy opens a trunk.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters. :'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here. :. . . :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. :''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. :''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]! :''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]'' :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich. :'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. :''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]'' :'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]'' :'''Servo''': It's ''open!'' :. . . :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]'' :'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]'' :'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie? :'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! :''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]'' :'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troy''': Will you help me find what's behind the map? :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': Oh, I don't go map-findin'-behindin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]'' :'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with? :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]! :'''Troy''': No. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult. :'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]]. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world. :'''Troy''': How do you know? :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid. :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid. :'''Servo''': D'oh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': They used to rule this land. :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell! :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]'' :'''Troy''': '''FOOD!''' :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though. :'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?! :'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!''' :'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?! :'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]'' :'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son? :'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean? :'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]] :'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER! :'''Crow''': SING IT! :''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]'' :'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope]'' :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I dropped it. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Which is the sharp side? :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Um, I cut both my wrists. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]'' :'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]'' :'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! :'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck. :'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back. :'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked! :'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack.... :'''Servo''': ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked. === [[w:Monster Shark|Devil Fish]] === :''[The film's title is shown.]'' :'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]'' :'''Peter''': Janet! Janet! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]'' :'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor. :'''Dr. West''': In his hands. :'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]'' :'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade! :'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in. :'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet. :'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over. : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over! : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough. : . . . :''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head! : . . . :''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades. : . . . :''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms! :'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers? : . . . :''[Close up of burning water.]'' :'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]]. === [[w:The Screaming Skull|The Screaming Skull]] === ==== [[w:Gumby|Robot Rumpus]] (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ==== :'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumba''': Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk! :'''Tom Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard! :''[Another robot chops down a tree.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay! :. . . :''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]'' :'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk! :'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]'' :'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]] :''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo leaps into a trench in order to deactivate one of the robots.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, bad move! Robots do ''not'' fight clean! :''[A moment later, Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]'' :'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]'' :'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh… :'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike. :'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''! :'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side! ==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ==== :'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey. :'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jenni''': How did Marian die? :'''Reverend Snow''': Didn't Eric tell you? :'''Crow [as Snow]''': He sat on her head. :'''Jenni''': I think the subject's rather painful to him. I'd like to make him talk about it... :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Let's just say she was riddled with bullets. :'''Jenni''': Would you mind telling me? I'd like to know. :'''Reverend Snow''': ... It was a rainy day... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': And he shot her. :'''Reverend Snow''': She and Mickey had been working up there in the greenhouse. She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes... :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Then a lion jumped out and shot her. At least, that's what Eric said. :'''Reverend Snow''': The way we pieced it together after the accident is that... :'''Servo [as Snow]''' She got shot. :'''Reverend Snow''': ...while she was coming down this path, apparently it began to rain very hard. :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Then she got dead. :'''Reverend Snow''': She must have run along here... we don't know of course what happened then... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': We should have called the police. :'''Reverend Snow''': Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed. :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Anyway, how are you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]'' :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]'' :'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums. :'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull". <hr width="50%"/> :''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]'' :'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]'' :'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.] :'''Crow''': Settled in a divot. :''[The skull twitches.] :'''Servo''': Woof! === [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] === :'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David Warner appears.]'' :'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]'' :'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever. : . . . :'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous? :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master". :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]'' :'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz! :'''Crow''': Drain the wizard! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am? : . . . :'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]]. :'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order. :'''Mannerjay''': What of the map? :'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems… :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]'' :'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time. :'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]'' :'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]'' :'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest. :'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]]. == Season 10 == === [[w:Soultaker (film)|Soultaker]] === :''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]'' :'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]... :'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]... :'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card swoops into view.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! :. . . :''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[some jokes about Brad's car]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]! : . . . :'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]'' :'''Natalie''': Karen! :'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]] :. . . :''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke! : . . . :''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.] :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.] :'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]'' :'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins. : . . . :''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]'' :'''Tommy''': What do you want? :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]'' :'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time! :'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]'' :'''Tommy''': Thanks! :''[The woman laughs it off.]'' :'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]'' :'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom! :'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. :'''Natalie''': What? :'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]'' :'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? :'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]'' :'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!'' :'''Soultaker''': It's all over now. :'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Oh, Frank, I thought you were dead! :'''TV's Frank''': I ''am'' dead. ''[pause]'' I was in Second Banana Heaven for a while, but it is ''so political'' up there. Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell out of them. So, they transferred me to Soultaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''':I knew these two would get along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Maybe they have this wondrous, frilly wedding in the frou frou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars, and the polka-dotted toadstools sing, 'Good Ship Lollipop,' to the tiny mice in their little feetie pajamas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to a scene with a smiley face balloon as main characters' souls are taken]'' :'''Crow''': Oh sure, just shove the irony down our throats! === [[w:Girl in Gold Boots|Girl in Gold Boots]] === :''[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again. :. . . :'''Servo''': Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a jerk and pony marathon. :. . . :'''Servo''': Mike, you're a human being. How come ''you'' don't have a body like that? :. . . :'''Crow''': The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne. :. . . :'''Mike''': Ed Grimley choreographed this dance. :. . . :'''Servo''': Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]'' :'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''? :'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]'' :'''Servo''': They forgot the "ME". :'''Mike''': Ah, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me! :'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart! :'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]'' :'''Buz''': What's wrong? :'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" <hr width="50%"/> :''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out) :'''Crow''': You can say that ag- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars. :'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat. :'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar. :'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon! :'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred? :'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one! :'''Critter''': Fifty? :''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]'' :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]'' :'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back! :... :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now? :... :'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money. :'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples! : . . . :''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]! : . . . :''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]'' :'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share. :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge? :'''Buz''': Cash. :''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]'' :'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''! :'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man. : . . . :''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh. :'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"? :''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]'' :'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]'' :'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]'' :'''Mike''': Boy?! : . . . :'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties! : . . . :'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! : . . . :''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]'' :'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share. :''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]'' :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor! : . . . :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy! :'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad. :'''Servo''': ''[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"]'' ''Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...'' : . . . :''[We see a billboard for ''Doctor Dolittle'' starring Rex Harrison.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Doctor Dolittle''? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy. : . . . :'''Servo''': I think someone slipped us their vacation videos. :'''Crow''': Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet. :'''Mike''': An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.! : . . . :'''Servo''': ''[singing along with the music]'' ''Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,'' :''The Zodiac killer's at large,'' :''Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,'' :''And Santa Claus is on his way!'' : . . . :''[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]'' :'''Crow''': Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. : . . . :''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass! :'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form? : . . . :'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]]. :'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill. : . . . :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''! === [[w:Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders]] === :'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]'' :'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh! :'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself. :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]'' :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]'' :'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]'' :'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]'' :'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss? :'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go! :'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex? <hr width="50%"/> :''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]! :'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey]'' Why do I have to deal with it alone? :'''Adrianne''': Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': Wake up! :'''Adrianne''': The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, ''literally''! :'''David''': Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits- :'''Adrianne''': ''[seemingly agitated]'' Get that toy out of your house! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You idiot! :'''David''': I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do. :''[Adrianne gives David a medallion]'' :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': You want some peanuts? :'''David''': What's that? :'''Adrianne''': It's called a bethogram. :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': I sense the demon's name is Beth. :'''David''': This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh? :'''Adrianne''': Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times. :'''David''': Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too? :'''Adrianne''': My God, David! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You moron! :'''David''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come- :'''Adrianne''': I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own! :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': Damn it! :'''Adrianne''': And remember David, ''NEVER'' let it know! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]'' :'''David''': God help me! :'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can. : . . . :'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please! :'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]'' :'''Merlin''': Heed my words.... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]'' :'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being! :'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]? :'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]'' :'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]'' :'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much. === [[w:Future War|Future War]] === :''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn. :''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]'' :'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus! :''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]'' :'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume. :''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs? :''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]'' :'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? : . . . :''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]'' :'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in! :'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty :'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards. <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]'' :'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was? :'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go. :'''Mike''': Fred Burrows? :'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. ... :''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]'' :'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]'' :'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE! :'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]] :'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!'' :'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]'' :'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf. :'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]'' :'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Huh??'' :'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed... :'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain. === [[w:Zaat|Blood Waters of Dr. Z]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]'' :'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]'' :'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit? :'''Mike''': Hmmm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha! :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name. :'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work. :'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often. :'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name. :'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh... :. . . :'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking? :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No! :'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke... :'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick... :'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough. === [[w:Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]'' :'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]'' :'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]'' :'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student. :'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]'' :'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]'' :'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim is walking around shirtless]'' :'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]'' :'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]'' :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read? :'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]'' :'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]]. :. . . :'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim? :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]'' :'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you! :'''Doc''': My left or my right? :'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]'' :'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. === [[w:Track of the Moon Beast|Track of the Moon Beast]] === :'''Pearl''': Brain-Dead, let's send these guys, Track of the Moon Beast. It stars nobody, and features nothing. I hope you gag on it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]'' :'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"? :'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]]. :'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]'' :'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened? :'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]'' :'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place. :'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics! :'''Kathy''': Your place? :'''Paul''': Yeah, my place. :'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor." :'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then. :''[Thunder rumbles.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul rises after fainting.]'' :'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out. :'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']'' :'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom! :'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there. : . . . :''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]'' :'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]'' :'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon! :'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]'' :'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]'' :'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul— :'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]! :'''Mike''': Oh, come on. === [[w:Final Justice (1985 film)|Final Justice]] === :'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]'' :'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]'' :'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what? :'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe? : . . . :'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something! : . . . :'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said! : . . . :'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! : . . . :''[Much, much later in the movie...]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent. :'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop! :'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****. :'''Mike''': ...oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]'' :'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government. :'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.] :'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]? :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! : . . . :''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]'' :'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival? :'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]! :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]'' :'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott]'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Servo''': ''Or he'll steal your lunch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better hi-i-ide'' :'''Crow''': ''...your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Mike''': ''Cause he's got the runs!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''Cause he won't stop till he gets his man'' :'''Crow''': ''Or your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah! :'''Servo''': Woo! :'''Crow''': Lay it! :. . . :'''Bill Scott''': ''They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...'' :'''Crow''': ''Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''That may be true'' :'''Servo''': ''But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide!'' Woo! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Pass the gravy now! :'''Mike''': You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys. :'''Crow''': Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker. :'''Mike''': I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower – :'''Servo''': ''MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!'' :'''Crow''': All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off. :'''Mike''': Oh, come on now. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!'' :'''Mike''': Oh, now you guys prepared that. :'''Crow''': Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!'' :'''Crow''': ''Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!'' :'''Servo''': ''He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!'' :'''Mike [leaves]''': Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes. :'''Crow''': Yeah! Give me seconds, baby! :'''Servo''': Hey, baby, you gonna finish that? :'''Crow''': Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will! :'''Servo''': Aw, somebody give me a napkin! === [[w:Hamlet (1961 film)|Hamlet]] === :''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]'' :'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The members of court are performing a dance.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet. : . . . :''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]'' :'''Ophelia''': My prince… :'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]]. : . . . :'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha! :'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Claudius''': I like him not... :'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be... :'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]" :'''Hamlet''': That is the question. :'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex. :'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... :'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler! :'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? :'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair. :'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep. :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub. :'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... :'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now. :'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. :'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, you... :'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep. :'''Servo''': To SLEEP! :'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut. :'''Hamlet''': To sleep... :'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP'' :'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM? :'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM? :'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub. :'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? :'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe. :'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear... :'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-- :'''Servo''': SUM UP! :'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of? : . . . :'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']'' :'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! :'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]'' :'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]'' :'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health. :'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]'' :'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]'' :'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball". === [[w:The Bat People|It Lives by Night]] === :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]'' :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]'' :'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you. : . . . :'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck... :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]'' :'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]'' :'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and... :''[Pause]'' :'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.'' :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH! :''[They rush out of the theater]'' :'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first! :'''Servo''': No, me first! :'''Mike''': Urgh! === [[w:Horrors of Spider Island|Horrors of Spider Island]] === :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]'' :'''Servo''': Lucky sign! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]'' :'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you? :'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]'' :'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]'' :'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! : . . . :''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]'' :'''Georgia''': Gary! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me! :'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': ''[trying to get the attention of a passing ship]'' They must see us! They can't just leave us here! Hello! Hello! :'''May''': Stop all that screaming, Ann. You're driving me crazy. :'''Ann''': Let me go! Hello, take us with you! :'''Mike''': ''[the ship passes by]'' Damn ''[[w:SS Californian|Californian]]'', it never helps anyone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]'' :'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby starts shadow boxing while walking.]'' :'''Crow''': He saw an air molecule that respects women. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]'' :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]'' :'''Mike''': ...Hey! :''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]'' :'''Servo''': So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent! We're outta here! === [[w:Squirm|Squirm]] === ==== [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|A Case of Spring Fever]] (short) ==== [the title is shown] :'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays??? :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]'' :'''Coily''': Hey! The door! :'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]'' :'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]'' :'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish. :'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO! :'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! :. . . :''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]'' :'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad... :'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened! : . . . :'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]'' :'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh? : . . . :'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]'' :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]'' :'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look! : . . . :'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another— :'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live! :''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die! <hr width="50%"/> :''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place! ==== Squirm (movie) ==== :''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay. :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick leaves Geri in the boat with Roger]'' :'''Crow''': Save the girl or go antiquing... Hmm... Antiques, here I come! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]'' :'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face! :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]'' :'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in. :'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt. :'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm... :'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]'' :'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases. :'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]'' :'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark. :'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]'' :'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]'' :'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie is ending]'' :'''Servo''': Please, folks, remember to worm your dog. :'''Mike''': And if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake. :'''Crow''': And if you have red hair, do not mate. === [[w:Danger: Diabolik|Diabolik]] === :''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store. :'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan! :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs! :'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''? :'''Crow''': Poor Mike... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]'' :'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change. :. . . :'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal. :. . . :'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]! :. . . :'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars. :. . . :'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. :. . . :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster! :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now. :. . . :'''Crow''': Got greed? :'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]'' :'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]! :'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming? :'''Crow''': I beg your pardon? :''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]]. :'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':They make love in English pound notes — their sex is 50% better!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]'' :'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Look, Nelson. Move on. I am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run; While it's reveleaed that Gypsy has started her own company.]'' :'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story. :'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in. :'''Crow''': [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?]] :'''Servo''': Hmmm.{{hnote|And thus ends the era of an old series. But a new generation is yet to come.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ralph Valmont''': ''[the final stinger of the original run of MST3K]'' Is that Stud... coming? == Season 11: The Return == === [[w:Reptilicus|Reptilicus]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! <hr width="50%"> :''[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]'' :'''Miner''': Bones? :'''Jonah''': [[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Jim]]! :'''Miner''': Fossil bones. :'''Jonah''': Fossil Jim! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie! :'''Jonah''': Okay, out. :'''Crow''': What? But that's Shakespeare! :'''Jonah''': Out! :'''Crow''': Oh, c'mon... <hr width="50%"> :'''Gypsy''': Now you're ''Mister'' Filing Cabinet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack. <hr width="50%"> :''[as the scenes cut rapidly]'' :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Crow''': The temperature is negative five degrees! :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 5:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is ten degrees! :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 8:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is twenty degrees!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Only God can play God, and [[w:Bruce Almighty|sometimes Morgan Freeman]]! <hr width="50%"> :''[during a shot of two officers playing chess]'' :'''Crow [as officer]''': Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon. === [[w:Cry Wilderness|Cry Wilderness]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Crow''': Well, if you insist. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': '''WILDERNESS!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Douglas''': You're too old to believe in fairy tales! :'''Gyspy''': He is? What a terrible way to find out. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Paul runs away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]'' :'''Will''': Paul! :'''Jonah [as Will]''': Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... ''a person!'' <hr width=50%> :''[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]'' :'''Crow [as a raccoon]''': I went from ''Guardians of the Galaxy'' to this?! :'''Servo [as other raccoon]''': How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick! :. . . :'''Jonah''': You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN. :'''Servo''': Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace. :''[Paul's father begins to laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Don't laugh. You people are pigs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Wagoner''': You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel. :'''Will''': All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em! :'''Sheriff''': Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Jonah [as Sheriff]''': How ''high'', sir? :'''Mr. Wagoner''': What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys! :'''Jim''': You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': Make me understand. :'''Will''': It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with. :''[Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo]'' :'''Servo''': Ow! Geez! :'''Mr. Wagoner''': If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of '''one''' hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! ''[to Morgan]'' You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! ''[to Jim]'' You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! ''[a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]'' :'''Jonah [as Wagoner]''': Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]'' :'''Servo''': Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun. :'''Jim''': It's old Big Mike! :'''Crow [as Will]''': Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead. :'''Jonah [as Morgan]''': What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails. :'''Crow''': ''Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love''. :'''Servo [as Paul]''': Maybe I'll laugh later. :''[Will begins laughing]'' :'''Crow''': I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their ''Seinfeld''. :'''Servo''': ''[Paul begins laughing]'' It's funny! :'''Crow''': Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for ''Two and A Half Men''? <hr width=50%> :'''Morgan''': Let's keep this a secret between you and me. :'''Crow''': Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid. <hr width=50%> :''[after a random tiger exits the cave]'' :'''Crow [as the tiger]''': I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[grabbing Paul]'' Do I have to tie you up?! :'''Paul''': You're nothing but a dumb Indian! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''WHOA!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Red Hawk! Is that you? :'''Red Hawk''': You remember me, don't you? :'''Jim''': You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave. :'''Jonah [as Red Hawk]''': Well, Happy Easter. :'''Red Hawk''': I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. ''[beckons to the animals around him]'' :'''Crow [as a hawk]''': I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police! <hr width=50%/> :''[during a snowy scene]'' :'''Morgan''': Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game. :'''Will''': What do you mean? :'''Morgan''': I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now! :'''Crow [as Morgan]''': Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine! <hr width=50%> :''[As the credits roll]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit. === [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|The Time Travelers]] === :'''Crow''': I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour. <hr width=50%> :'''Gypsy''': Rip Torn is Dr. Strange! <hr width=50%> :''[shot of a table of android eyeballs]'' :'''Crow''': Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin? :'''Jonah''': "And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? :'''Servo''': I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch". :'''Crow''': Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting! <hr width=50%/> :'''Danny''': ''[holding a tray of android eyeballs]'' Holy McKee! I thought I was giving ''her'' the eye! :'''Jonah''': ''[sigh]'' You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny. :'''Servo''': Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Danny and Reena kiss]'' :'''Servo''': Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! :'''Crow''': Hah! :'''Jonah''': Hey... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw]'' :'''Servo''': Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future! :'''Crow''': Hobo bedding... of the future! :'''Jonah''': The insides of scarecrows... of the future! :'''Servo''': Practical dynamite storage... of the future! :'''Crow''': Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future! :'''Jonah''': Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of ''Jerry Maguire''... also of the future! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': You are pronouncing our death sentence. :'''Servo [as Steve]''': You dickweed! :'''Willard''': I don't enjoy doing it. :'''Steve''': You resented us from the beginning! :'''Willard''': I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I... :'''Crow''': Line! :'''Willard''': We must consider the greater good! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Hot Fuzz|The greater good...]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as the movie abruptly ends]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, the universe lost reception! :''[a message from the producer appears onscreen]'' :'''Jonah''': The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good. :'''Servo''': I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga Forrester''': Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement. :'''Max''': If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling ''Song of the South'' off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! :''[the skeleton crew wheels in a cake filled with candles; Max lights a lighter]'' :'''Kinga Forrester''': No no no, hey! ''[slaps the lighter from his hand]'' We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... ''[sighs]'' Happy 200th, Max. :'''Max''': ...Yeah, okay. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Push the 200th button, Max. === [[w:Avalanche (1978 film)| Avalanche]] === :'''Onscreen Text''': New World Pictures presents... :'''Jonah''': The Illuminati made a movie? Huh. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and they're so open about it. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': It's terrific to see you. :'''Crow [as David]''': Even in that color palette. :'''David''': The two of you together... :'''Jonah''': And I'm not forgetting [[w:Steve Franken|you]], [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|Danny from the last movie]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Florence and McDade struggle walking uphill in snow]'' :'''Florence''': ''[breathless]'' In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill! :'''Jonah [as the director]''': Cut! Take 15, do it again! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': My snowball predicted all of this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as we see Caroline swimming underwater]'' :'''Servo''': Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch. :''[she surfaces]'' :'''Caroline''': Oh, hi there. :'''Jonah''': Oh, she's in a heated pool. :'''Crow''': Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche. :'''Servo''': Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a waiters serve numerous [[w:baked Alaska|baked Alaskas]]]'' :'''Jonah [as a waiter]''': Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please? :'''Crow [as a waiter]''': ''[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony]'' Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous. :''[as a waiter serves one to where the main characters are sitting]'' :'''Servo [as a waiter]''': Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry. :'''Jonah [as Florence]''': Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, ''and'' butter??? Oh... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': You know what this movie is missing? :'''Crow''': Name tags. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[as he and Caroline get into an argument]'' What's going on here? I only asked you to dance! :'''Caroline''': You didn't ''ask'' me to dance, you ''told'' me to dance! :'''Servo''': Crazy on you! :'''Caroline''': You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything! :'''David''': I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?! :'''Caroline''': You ''stifle'' me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone. :'''David''': I don't ''want'' to leave you alone! :'''Caroline''': Well, that's a problem I can solve. :'''Jonah''': Get a second divorce! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm]'' :'''Servo''': Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? :'''Crow''': I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like ''Sharknado'' or ''Lavalantula''. :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, we give you ''Plane-alanche''! :'''Jonah''': I didn't know snow was so combustible. :'''Servo''': It's not, but styrofoam is. :'''Crow''': Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving. :'''Jonah''': I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know. :'''Servo''': This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter. <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment]'' :'''Crow''': That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent! :''[an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem]'' :'''Jonah''': They should change the name of this movie from ''Avalanche'' to just ''General Catastrophe''. :'''Servo''': Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? :'''Crow''': What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? <hr width=50%/> :''[when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, it's commercial sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff]'' :'''Jonah''': Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall. :'''Gypsy''': Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive. :''[the ambulance explodes]'' :'''Crow''': Yup. There she goes. :'''Servo''': Even the fire smells like gin. === [[w:The Beast of Hollow Mountain|The Beast of Hollow Mountain]] === :'''Jonah''': Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking. :'''Crow''': Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio. :''[Pancho stumbles outside]'' :'''Jonah [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' Kick ''me'' out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it! :'''Crow [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' I told you we'd have fun on your birthday! :'''Pancho''': ''[drunk]'' You're not mad at me, are you? :'''Servo [as Panchito]''': Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Enrique approaches Jimmy and Don]'' :'''Don Pedro''': The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me. :'''Jimmy Ryan''': I know, I've been there. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Girlfriend. :'''Don Pedro''': Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. :'''Enrique''': ''[in a heavy American Accent]'' Speaking of disappearing... :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': Has anyone seen my accent? :'''Enrique''': Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from? :'''Jonah [as Jimmy]''': I'm from Connecticut! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jimmy fights with Enrique]'' :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': For the last time! ''[synchronizes with each punch]'' [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]]! Isn't! That! Bad! <hr width=50%/> :'''Enrique''': What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?! :'''Sarita''': If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! :'''Enrique''': But they did see! :'''Sarita''': What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! :'''Jonah''': Ooh... :'''Enrique''': It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of... :'''Servo [as Enrique]''': Haggis. Ugh. :'''Enrique''': Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself. :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': He is another, stupider man. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Wow, Machu Picchu! :'''Servo''': Machu Picchu is in Peru. :'''Crow''': Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? :''[Servo lunges at Crow but Jonah holds him back]'' :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Would you just-?! Ohh! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery]'' Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off! :'''Servo''': You can't, we tried that. :'''Crow''': Yeah, we're made out of those special parts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet. <hr width=50%> :'''Panchito''': Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! :'''Jonah, Crow, and Servo''': Second act twist! <hr width=50%> :'''Kinga''': ''[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film]'' Uh, is this that [[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton show]] everyone's talking about? :'''Max''': It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head. :'''Jonah''': ''[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely]'' Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?! :'''Kinga''': ''[begging]'' Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind! :'''Max''': What have we done to offend thee?! :'''Jonah''': Answer me! You guys are scaring me! :'''Max''': Who must we kill to slake thy anger? :'''Jonah''': ''[growing more uneasy]'' Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?! :'''Kinga''': ''[sobbing in horror]'' Make it stop!! :'''Jonah''': ''[as 'Movie Sign' blares]'' Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go! :''[back in the theater]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[to Servo]'' What was all that about? :'''Servo''': That wasn't us. <hr width=50%> :''[when the film's titular beast; a claymation Tyrannosaurus Rex, finally appears]'' :'''Crow''': I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra. :'''Servo''': You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur? :'''Crow''': No, I was not. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie. :'''Servo''': What do you call it? :'''Jonah''': I don't know. "Pancho"? :'''Crow''': And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jimmy fires upon the dinosaur]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme]'' But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face. :'''Crow''': Meta! === [[w:Starcrash|Starcrash]] === :'''Woman on PA System''': Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. :'''Gypsy [as the Woman]''': Your Hot Pocket is ready. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': ''[looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars]'' Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': You can drop the rifle ray. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': My name's not Ray, it's Stella! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ship goes into hyperspace]'' :'''Crow''': Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver? <hr width=50%/> :'''Atkon''': It's here on the third planet of the next solar system. :'''Stella''': I've never been there. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint. :'''Stella''': What's it like? :'''Atkon''': Red fogs, high winds, low gravity. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Oh, it's like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Like Delaware! <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': Say goodbye! ''[fires his laser gun at Atkon with no effect on Atkon; the lasers are very low quality]'' What??? :'''Jonah [as Akton]''': Your crappy effects are powerless against me. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stella and Simon fight off a mob of cavemen]'' :'''Jonah''': Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun! :''[Akton appears, and summons a laser sword weapon]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off ''[[w:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''. :... :'''Servo [as Akton]''': Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once. :'''Akton''': There's no need to continue. :'''Crow''': Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys! === [[w:The Land That Time Forgot (1974 film)|The Land That Time Forgot]] === :''[as someone throws a canister into the sea]'' :'''Crow''': It's a can of spring snakes. :'''Servo''': That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day. :'''Crow''': Or gives them a heart attack. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bowen Voiceover''': I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate. :'''Jonah [as Bowen]''': So never mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Freidrich''': Prepare to surface. :'''Dietz''': Jawohl, Kapitän. :'''Crow''': Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy. :'''Friedrich''': Up periscope. :'''Officer''': Up periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time... :''[as the Periscope is brought up, and Friedrich wipes it down]'' :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on! :'''Crow''': This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors. :'''Friedrich''': Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope. :'''Officer''': Down periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?! :'''Crow [as Klaus]''': Sorry, mein Kapitän. :'''Friedrich''': Both engines full ahead. :'''Officer''': Both engines full ahead! :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Klaus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Friedrich''': Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area. :'''Servo''': He said "area". :'''Friedrich''': And we should rendezvous within the hour. :'''Crow [as Friedrich]''': Or the pizza's free. :'''Friedrich''': And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate. :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"? :'''Jonah''': Nope. :'''Crow''': Someday the whole show will be like this. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Bowen fights a Plesiosaur]'' :'''Servo''': So that creature's probably endangered, right? :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT! <hr width=50%/> :''[while the crew battle two Allosaurus; one of them puts away his rifle and pulls out a pistol]'' :'''Crow''': Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him. <hr width=50%/> :''[while the expedition journeys through the jungle]'' :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, stop! :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND! <hr width=50%/> :''[in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus]'' :'''Jonah''': If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away. === [[w:The Loves of Hercules|The Loves of Hercules]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield. :'''Max''': It stinks like feta cheese! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log]'' Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing. :''[Hercules struggles to gain balance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! ''[grunt]'' Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Hercules breaks down a barricaded door]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': ''[Italian accent]'' I haved breakededed the door! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira changed behind a pink sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Why is she standing behind a giant napkin? :'''Servo''': Ooooh... :'''Crow''': Oh, it's hanky panky. :''[the bots attempt to peek behind the sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here! :''[Deianira puts a robe on]'' :'''Servo''': Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it. :'''Jonah''': How was it though? :'''Crow''': Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear. <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful]'' :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira faints after Herculese kills the bull]'' :'''Servo [as Deianira]''': I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hercules''': Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine. :'''Crow''': Stalker alert. <hr width=50%/> :'''Achelous''' Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be. :''[Hercules looks stunned]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': What? :'''Jonah''': Download complete. :''[Hercules looks stunned again]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': But then you- :'''Jonah''': Download complete. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules fights Achelous]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': Now bow down to my tiny nipple. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Philoctetes rides into a landscape with colorful smoke]'' :'''Servo''': He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist. :'''Jonah''': See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril. :'''Crow''': Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest. :'''Jonah''': Right. :... :'''Crow''': How do you get pink smoke? :'''Servo''': That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet]'' :'''Crow [as the director]''': Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the ''Jurassic Park'' ride at Universal Studios. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules struggles in battle against the hydra]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I've got an idea, maybe the weapons were laying around, because they were '''''INEFFECTIVE???''''' Come on, man! I fall over in disgust. === [[w:Yongary, Monster from the Deep|Yongary: Monster from the Deep]] === :''[as the film opens with a couple newlyweds]'' :'''Servo''': Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a car drives down the center of a highway, not in an exact lane]'' :'''Crow''': The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way! :'''Servo''': This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': I think I know what's going on. Come on out. :'''Groom''': Who are you talking to? :'''Ilo''': Come on out of there, Icho! :'''Gypsy''': Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O. :'''Jonah''': Okay, Gypsy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Groom''': ''[when the bride wakes him up]'' Huh. I must have dozed. :'''Servo''': This is all part of his elaborate love play. :'''Groom''': Boy, I’m really tired tonight. :'''Bride''': You can sleep afterward. :'''Crow''': After what, Jonah? :'''Jonah''': D- Don’t worry about it. :'''Crow''': Okay. :'''Groom''': You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? :'''Servo [as the Groom]''': That’s not what I’m into. :'''Bride''': I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed. :'''Groom''': No. :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Yes.. :'''Groom''': That happens whenever I get married. :'''Servo''': “Whenever???” :... :'''Groom''': Hey, sweetheart... :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[looking on a model center in the film]'' This must be [[w:Shining Time Station|Shining Time Station’s]] military industrial complex. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a buzzer begins to sound in the film]'' :'''Jonah''': We got movie sign! :''[Jonah and the Bots get excited and begin to run out of the theater, before quickly realizing the buzzer is in the film and return to their seats]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, that was... :'''Crow''': Whoops, that was embarrassing! :'''Jonah''': Yeah, sorry about that. <hr width=50%/> :''[during an earthquake]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! ''[freaking out]'' Gypsy, initiate panic mode! :''[Jonah and the Bots scream and run around in place]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[dropping down]'' Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set! <hr width=50%/> :''[an earthquake hits, and mountains smoke]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's just North Korea. [[w:Nuclear weapons testing|They do that]]... a lot. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Yongary emerges from the ground]'' :'''Police Officer''': Yongary's coming out! :'''Crow''': Hey, good for Yongary! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo's Mother''': Please don't go, Ilo. :'''Ilo''': Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright. :'''Icho''': I'll go too. :'''Jonah [as Icho]''': Death and destruction are my jam. ''Whee!'' :'''Suna & Ilo's Mother''': Icho! Icho! No, come back, please! :'''Crow [as Icho]''': You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving! <hr width=50%/> :''[at a sock hop; a teenager prays while another pours beer on his head]'' :'''Servo [as Praying Teen]''': Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us. :'''Jonah''': I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in? :'''Soldier''': You got here a bit too late. :'''Crow [as Soldier]''': He's dead. Movie's over. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Servo [as Soldier]''': We're just waiting for the shockwave. :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah''': Sergeant Loose Lips right here. :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Servo [as Ilo]''': Um, we're not going. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Crow''': Did they hit a glitch in [[w:The Matrix|the Matrix]]? :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah [as Soldier]''': Go. I'm out of dialogue! :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Suna''': Missiles? Really? :'''Servo''': ''Yeah! Any minute!'' === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Jonah''': How do you lose a whole kingdom? :'''Crow''': Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? <hr width=50%/> :''[when it's revealed that [[w:James Horner|James Horner]] composed the film's score]'' :'''Jonah''': James Horner?! :'''Crow''': Ah, yes. ''[[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]'', ''[[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'', ''[[w:Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'', and this movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, when [[w:James Cameron|Cameron]] was scoring ''[[w:Titanic (1997 Film)|Titanic]]'', he said, "I want that ''Wizards of the Lost Kingdom'' sound." <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon watches his father battle Shurka via a reflection in water]'' :'''Crow''': It's streaming video. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Jiffy Pop helmet, save me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax]'' This is where Kor's theme song comes in. :''[starts singing]'' :''They call me Kor the Conquerer'' :''I thought I could conquer anything'' :''But ever since I met that boy'' :''I've found out I'm not worth a thing'' :''That's just par for the Kor'' :''That's just par'' :''They call me Kor!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in which Shurka was watching him in an explosion]'' :'''Jonah''': Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects! :'''Shurka''': Damn him! ''[continues angrily screaming]'' He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo! :'''Jonah''': See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake. :'''Crow''': Oh wow! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': What is it? :'''Kor''': Riders, coming this way! :'''Jonah''': Writers? They'll fix the script! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon resurrects the dead]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[as Simon]'' I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss! <hr width=50%/> :''[Shurka attempts to seduce Princess Aura]'' :'''Shurka''': You have spirit. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' Yes you do. :'''Shurka''': I like that. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' How about you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hurla''': Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most. :'''Crow''': That's not a plan. :'''Simon''': But I can't. :'''Hurla''': Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you. :'''Servo [as Hurla]''': And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]]''': I just realized why they called it a suicide cave! :'''Servo [as Statler]''': Why's that? :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': Because I want to kill myself! :''[Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf]'' :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': I'm depressed... <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as the [[w:Tales from the Crypt (comics)|Crypt-Keeper]]]''': Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just ''dying'' to get in here. ''[evil laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Watch out for the stalag-''fright''! ''[cackles]'' :'''Crow [as the Crypr-Keeper]''': Be careful so you don't go ''batty''! ''[wicked laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Here, let me give you a... ''hand''! :'''Jonah''': Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions. :'''Crow & Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Oooh! A crematorium! ''[wicked laughing]'' :''[Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other]'' :'''Crow''': Oof! :'''Servo''': Ow! <hr width=50%/> :''[when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape]'' :'''Crow''': This is where the runoff goes from [[Roald_Dahl#Charlie_and_the_Chocolate_Factory_(1964)|Wonka's Chocolate Factory]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic]'' :'''Servo''': So how come wizards have such terrible aim? :'''Jonah''': Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements. :'''Crow''': Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet. :'''Servo''': Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as the credits begin rolling]'' Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom. :'''Servo''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists. :'''Crow''': Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad. :'''Servo''': Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs. :'''Crow''': Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition. :'''Jonah''': I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? :'''Servo''': Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely. :'''Crow''': Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion. :'''Servo''': Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides. :'''Crow''': And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew. :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. :'''Jonah''': You guys are making me feel sick. :'''Servo''': It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it. === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II]] === :'''Caedmon''': I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard. :'''Jonah''': Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer]'' :'''Tyor''': She's beautiful, master! So delicate! :''[she punches one of the patrons]'' :'''Crow [as Tyor]''': She's her own bouncer! :'''Tyor''': So strong! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor. :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor! :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Jonah [as Caedmon]''': ''Time to go, Tyor!!!'' :'''Tyor''': Isn't the arts part of my education? :'''Caedmon''': Absolutely not! :'''Servo [as Caedmon]''': The state cut arts funding! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': You will no longer breathe the air of a free man. :''[Loki laughs]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Robert_Blake_(actor)|Robert Blake]] in ''[[Lost Highway]]''. :'''Tyor''': By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone! :'''Jonah''': He's making all this up as he goes along. :'''Tyor''': Oomen, kauai, tenk! :'''Servo [as Loki]''': Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of ''[[w:Caroline in the City|Caroline in the City]]''. :''[Loki is turned to stone]'' :'''Jonah''': Alright, take him to [[w:Jabba the Hutt|Jabba]]. :'''Tyor''': Now his garden is complete. :'''Crow''': [[w: Won't Get Fooled Again|YEEEAAAH!!!]] ''[[CSI: Miami]]''! <hr width=50%/> :''[as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': Prepare for my overhand! ''[attack is blocked]'' :'''Crow [as thief]''': Or how about my overhand! ''[attack is blocked again]'' :'''Jonah [as thief]''': No? Well try my OVERHAND! ''[blocked again]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— ''[bandit uses the same attack again]'' PSYCH! Overhand! ''[blocked again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Donar''': ''[capturing Freyja]'' Who gave him the sword? :'''Jonah [as Donar]''': And where's your hall pass? :'''Donar''': You die with the dawn. :'''Freyja''': He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache! :'''Crow''': We all do, trust us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': ''[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja]'' If I take you with me, what do I get? :'''Freyja''': ''[seductively]'' Anything. :'''Servo [as Tyor]''': Can I keep these cool rubber snakes? :'''Tyor''': That's what I was afraid of. :''[music cue]'' :'''Jonah [as Tyor]''': The band is illustrating my sexual confusion. === [[w:Carnival Magic (1983 film)|Carnival Magic]] === :''[as the title card partially appears]'' :'''Servo''': Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you! :'''Crow''': Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh. :''[the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time]'' :'''Servo''': ''Carnival Man''. :'''Jonah''': ''Carnival Magnum, P.I.'' :'''Servo''': Off the O. Henry story. :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Carnival Magi''- oh, ''Carnival Magic'', I knew it the whole time, guys. <hr width=50%/> :''[Missy O'Shea is credited as "The girl in the car"]'' :'''Crow''': Lots of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car. <hr width=50%/> :''[Markov walks alone, talking to something offscreen, seemingly looking at Servo]'' :'''Markov''': Now stop playing this is serious. :'''Servo''': I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. :'''Markov''': I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing. :'''Servo''': When you're right, you're right. :'''Markov''': This isn't the first time it's happened, you know. :'''Servo''': We agreed not to talk about that. :'''Markov''': You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much. :'''Servo''': I blame [[w:Facebook|Facebook]]. :'''Markov''': We can try to stay clear of people, but... :'''Servo''': They're everywhere, right? :'''Markov''': ... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again. :'''Servo''': You mean when we ride the comet? :'''Markov''': You know, I need time to myself too, you know. :'''Servo''': Of course, master. Forgive me. :'''Markov''': But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster. :'''Servo''': Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry. :'''Markov''': People are suspicious of things they don't understand. :'''Servo''': Right, like the thing with the chicken. :'''Markov''': And that's why I'm hiding you. :'''Servo''': That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber. :'''Markov''': But it's very hard to keep the world out. :'''Servo''': I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. ''[returns to his seat]'' :'''Crow''': What was that all about? :'''Servo''': Hell if I know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': He's got Kirk. :'''Bud''': Kirk is not the answer anymore. :'''Servo''': Picard? <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': Alex... :'''Servo''': I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200. :'''Markov''': ...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through. :'''Jonah''': What stage of grief is chimp-play? :'''Markov''': But we're broke... :'''Crow [as Markov]''': Your [[w:Beanie Babies|Beanie Baby]] obsession destroyed us. :'''Markov''': And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you. :'''Jonah''': Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really. <hr width=50%> :'''Carnie''': Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir... :'''Jonah [as [[w:Toby Radloff|Toby Radloff]]/[[w:The Simpsons|Comic Book Guy]]]''': Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Crow and Servo ogle a pair of scantily-clad dancing women]'' :'''Jonah''': Come on, guys. That's not cool. :'''Crow''': But you dance all the time! :'''Jonah''': That's my ''private'' time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alex goes into an unlocked car, and a girl is seen sleeping in the back]'' :'''Servo''': Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car! :''[Alex starts the car up]'' :'''Jonah''': ''Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.'' :'''Servo''': Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?! :'''Crow''': Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's ''a'' girl in ''a'' car, but is she ''the'' girl in ''the'' car? <hr width=50%> :''[Alex has stolen a car and run a police car off the road, getting it stuck in the grass]'' :'''Jonah''': Police cars don't work on grass! :'''Servo''': [[w:Back to the Future Part II|Unless you got powuh!]] ''[laughs goofily]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[during a random car chase]'' :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Breaker, breaker, we got a ''Carnival Magic'' in progress. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Uh, ''Carnival Magic''? What's that? :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters. :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it]], thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Yeah, exactly. ''Carnival Magic.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Livingston''': It's as if he's willing himself to die. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': We'll have what he's having! <hr width=50%/> :''[as onscreen text announces a potential sequel]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''More Carnival Magic''? No! :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of ''Carnival Magic'' sequels, though when ''More Carnival Magic'' finally came out, it was titled ''[[w:2 Fast 2 Furious|2 Magic 2 Carnival]]''. :'''Crow''': Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, ''Carnival Magic 3: [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|Return of the Girl in the Car]]''. :'''Servo''': Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the [[w:Star Wars #Prequel Trilogy|prequels]]. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp. :'''Crow''': And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats. :'''Servo''': They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company. :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, the whole ''[[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe]]''. At that point, the whole ''Carnival Magic'' movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the ''Carnival Magic'' toy lines. :'''Servo''': But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with ''[[w:Batman Begins|Carnival Magic Begins]]'' and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place. :'''Jonah''': I had no idea there were so many of these movies. :'''Servo''': Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? :'''Crow''': And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane. :'''Servo''': True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency." :'''Crow''': "All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors." :'''Jonah''': Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic. :'''Servo''': Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful. :'''Crow''': They tried a couple of disaster movies- ''Tornado'', and ''The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out''. :'''Servo''': And of course the [[romantic comedies]] ''Van Rockers'', and ''Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat''. :'''Crow''': I kind of liked the action movies he did: ''Maximum Towage''. :'''Servo''': Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic ''Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension''. :'''Jonah''': Guys, were any of these movies real? :'''Servo''': Of course not, Jonah! :'''Crow''': I don't even think ''Carnival Magic'' was real, and we just watched it! :'''Jonah''': That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now? === [[w:The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|The Christmas That Almost Wasn't]] === :'''Max''': Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! :'''Kinga''': No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"]'' :'''Servo''': Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': I must be seeing things. :'''Jonah''': Charles Darwin? :'''Sam''': Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Are you saying I'm fat?! :'''Santa''': I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing. :'''Sam''': That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face! :'''Crow [as Santa]''': I'm off the clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? :'''Crow [as Sam]''': Yeah, what's his ''dill''? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': When's the rent due, Santa? :'''Santa''': Christmas Eve at midnight. :'''Sam''': Doesn't leave you much time, does it? :'''Santa''': That's why I came all the way down here to find you. :'''Sam''': Why me? I'm nobody special. :'''Santa''': Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter. :'''Sam''': So did a million other children. :'''Santa''': That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the ''only'' child who wrote me a letter ''after'' Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's. :''[Sam begins laughing]'' :'''Servo [as Sam]''': Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': How much do you owe, Santa? :'''Santa''': Oh no, I couldn't... :'''Sam''': Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much? :'''Santa''': ''[handing him a piece of paper]'' Well, here's the rent bill. :'''Jonah [as Sam]''': This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': 800 candy canes a ''day''??? :'''Sam''': ''[perplexed]'' That much...? :'''Servo [as Sam]''': You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a GoFundMe page! :... :''[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]'' :'''Sam''': Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills. :'''Servo''': A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune! :'''Servo''': The T stands for "the"? :'''Sam''': That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?! :'''Crow''': ''[dramatic gasp]'' :'''Prune''': I object! :'''Sam''': Objection overruled! :'''Crow''': Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Prune spies on Sam]'' :'''Jonah''': Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Suzy's Mother''': But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store! :'''Jonah''': What's next, cherry [[w:phosphate soda|phosphates]]? Women driving cars? A [[John F. Kennedy|Catholic in the White House]]??? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street]'' :'''Prune''': Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? :'''Jonah [as Prune]''': Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?! :'''Prune''': Why? Why? ''[a passerby walks by]'' Merry Christmas! :'''Passerby''': Please, please sir, you'll catch cold! :''[another passerby walks by]'' :'''Prune''': Merry Christmas! :'''Servo [as Passerby]''': I think you mean "Happy Holidays". <hr width=50%/> :'''Prune''': ''[singing]'' Why can't every day be Christmas? :'''Jonah [as the other person] ''': I don't know! :'''Prune''': Why can't every day be gay? :'''Crow''': That's a loaded question. === [[w:At the Earth's Core (film)|At the Earth's Core]] === :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing a stream locomotive]'' I wonder if [[w:Shining Time Station|the conductor]] is [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]] or [[w:George Carlin|George Carlin]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape]'' :'''Dr. Abner Perry''': What an extraordinary sky! :'''David Innes''': What a strange color, Doc. :'''Dr. Abner''': This cannot be the Rhondda Valley. :'''Jonah''': I think it's Tim Burton's backyard. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen] '' :'''Servo''': We're being charged by a giant monster... movie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Abner''': ''[about a Rhamphorhynchus]'' My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! :'''Crow''': ''[offended]'' Ah, that's it. I'm leaving. :''[Jonah pulls him back into his seat]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga''':It is the God-given right of every American woman to become a North Korean dictator on her wedding day! == Season 12: The Gauntlet == === [[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]] === :'''Kinga''': From now on, we're dumbing things down. :'''Max''': Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon! :'''Jonah''': I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe. :'''Kinga''': Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug ''could'' do to you in the advertisement. ''Algernon...'' :'''Synthia''': Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon. :'''Kinga''': ''Algernon... '' :'''Synthia''': Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on ''the'' market. :'''Max''': Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses! :'''Kinga''': ''[speaking rapidly]'' Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting. :'''Max''': ''[rapidly speaking]'' Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in ''Golf Magazine''. :'''Synthia''': Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it. :'''Kinga, Max, and Synthia''': ''Algernon!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as security surrounds the building]'' :'''Servo''': Don't worry, if we just put some flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice it's your mom's station wagon. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mac is blown onto the highway and struck by a vehicle]'' :'''Crow''': So now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha. <hr width=50%/> :''[as three of the aliens travel naked and struggling through the desert]'' :'''Jonah''': The [[w:Blue Man Group|Blue Man Group]] as you've never seen them before: brown! :'''Servo [as one of the aliens]''': ''[coughing]'' No, go on and do the movie without me, please... :'''Crow''': They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys! :'''Jonah''': This is like if humanity had evolved from ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': Hey, how's it going? :'''Debbie''': ''[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel]'' Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits. :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': They say this is very insensitive. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric investigates the running shower]'' :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill. :'''Crow [as Eric]''': Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver! :''[Eric pulls aside the shower curtain, revealing nothing]'' :'''Jonah''': Somebody killed [[w:Janet Leigh|Janet Leigh]]! :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from ''[[w:Howard the Duck (film)|Howard the Duck]]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric opens the front door after Mac reveals himself]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Raven|Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?]] :''[Eric opens the door and no one is there]'' :'''Jonah''': Huh, [[Edgar Allan Poe|darkness there, and nothing more.]] :'''Crow''': Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop. <hr width=50%/> :''[A garbage can rattles]'' :'''Crow''': Remember: When you throw away your [[w:Tickle Me Elmo|Tickle Me Elmo]], you've ''got'' to remove the batteries. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric's wheelchair starts to rush down a hill toward a cliff]'' :'''Crow [as Eric]''': [[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace|Now ''this'' is podracing]]! :'''Debbie''': Eric! :'''Servo''': Chickabee! Tay in the wind! :''[Eric tries to brake, but his brake breaks off]'' :'''Jonah [as Eric]''': Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies! :''[Eric flies off the cliff, screaming into a lake below]'' :'''Crow''': You know, they went through three Erics making this. :''[Mac watches Eric splash into the water confused]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl... :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's ''[[E.T.]]'' :'''Crow''': No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food— :'''Jonah''': Yeah no, it's from ''E.T.'' :'''Crow''': No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home— :'''Jonah''': You're thinking of ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': No, but then the alien helps the kid fly— :'''Jonah''': ''E.T.''!!! :'''Crow''': Let me finish! —during a summer camp boxing match. :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''[[w:Meatballs Part II|Meatballs II]]''. :'''Crow''': Now ''that's'' it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as an agent] ''': Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': ''[wearing sunglasses]'' Eric! :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? :'''Mike''': Get ready! :''[the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac is riding piggyback on Mike]'' :'''Crow''': ''[imitating [[w:Yoda|Yoda]]]'' [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys, upset with [[w:Star Wars: The Last Jedi|your character arc]] will be. Hmm, yes. <hr width=50%/> :''[the MACs have wandered into the grocery store, and the mother has knocked over a pile of canned soda]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Jenga! :'''Store Associate''': Hey, what do you think you're doing?! :'''Crow [as a MAC]''' Uh, uh, uhhh... :''[the father MAC walks in front of the associate, holding a watermelon]'' :'''Jonah [as the father MAC]''': I gotta find the John, where do I put this? :''[the associate looks at him, bottom to top]'' :'''Servo [as the father MAC]''': Did you just check me out??? :'''Crow and Jonah [as two bystanders]''': Did he just check him out??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Now this is what ''E.T.'' was missing. A shootout in a grocery store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that— ''[the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight]'' Whoa, okay. Tha— I mean like— oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME! :'''Servo''': What? ''[the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store]'' :'''Jonah''': NOOO!!! :'''Crow''': What the hell??? :'''Servo''': Holy gizmos! :'''Jonah''': ''[freaking out]'' NO, WHAT THE F— COME ON!!! This didn't happen in ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': [[Apocalypse Now|I love the smell of napalm in the morning]]! :'''Jonah''': ''[stressed]'' It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': He looks like [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]] with his face torn off. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': That's neither the church ''nor'' the steeple. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac blows a bubblegum bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool. :''[Eric pops the bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Ahh! I need that to live! === [[w:Atlantic Rim (film)|Atlantic Rim]] === :'''Crow''' Atlantic Rim? Could you be more [[w:Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Admiral Hadley''': Pretty big step for a radar glitch. Do you have anymore information you wanna tell me? :'''Gypsy''': [[w:The Sixth Sense|Bruce Willis was dead the whole time]], sir. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': Damn, what time is it? :'''Crow''': Time is a social construct, SIR! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Adams''': Who would take down an oil rig? :'''Crow''': [[w:Robert Mueller|Robert Mueller]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything? :'''Crow''': ''[as Stone]'' Uh, ''[[w:Lincoln in the Bardo|Lincoln in the Bardo]]''. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Admiral Hadley]'' ''Cash on Cash'' by [[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]. :'''Servo''': ''[as Dr. Margaret Adams]'' [[w:Danielle Steel|Danielle Steel]]. :'''Crow''': ''[as Lt. Wexler]'' I'm into podcasts. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red battles a giant monster]'' :'''Red''': This thing's all over my ass, man! He's gonna tear me up! :'''Crow''': Excuse me? :'''Lt. Jim''': Hey, send someone in there, he's getting killed down there! :''[as the camera shows different characters]'' :'''Servo [as Hadley]''': That thing's all over him. :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Tearing him up. :'''Jonah [as Wexler]''' Especially his ass. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red is being put in the brig]'' :'''Red''': Easy! :'''Crow''': Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please! :'''Servo [as Red]''': Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- ''[door is locked]'' Aww man... :'''Red''': Yo, there's people dying! :'''Jonah [as Red]''': And it's actually Beren''stain'' Bears! ''Not Bernstein!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[in a scene with two bomber pilots]'' :'''Jonah''': I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you? :'''Servo''': [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]]??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': That day, eight brave soldiers evacuated Manhattan by word of mouth alone. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as Geise]''': He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet. :'''Geise''': It's me. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Ya boy. :'''Geise''': We're not getting no play here. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': It's a total sausage fest. :'''Geise''': The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': He's already misplaced Orlando. :'''Geise''': I think it's time we implement... :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Pause for effect. :'''Geise''': ... the Trojan Horse. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Bum, bum, bum! :'''Geise''': Yes sir. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the bots attack the monster]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free. :'''Servo''': We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah :''[At this point, the monster accidentally destroys the Statue of Liberty, causing Jonah and the bots to freak out]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, hell no! :'''Jonah''': Kill that monster! ''[in chorus with Servo and Crow]'' USA! USA! USA! <hr width=50%/> :''[the monster has been defeated by Red, and everyone is celebrating]'' :'''Servo''': So now they go out for a well deserved night of celebration. :'''Crow''': Which ends with Red once again, in the brig. This time for urinating on the dog of a visiting diplomat. :'''Jonah''': Until another monster emerges for him to battle. :'''Servo''': Which he does, leading to another victory, and another night of drinking. :'''Crow''': And he's back in the brig. :'''Jonah''': And the cycle of Red's life continues. :''[camera pans to the burning remains of the giant robot]'' :'''Servo''': And the movie ends as it began... as a garbage fire. === [[w:Lords of the Deep|Lords of the Deep]] === :'''Stanley''': You're not exactly fired, Barbara. I mean- there is a difference between being fired and being replaced. :'''Crow''': Just ask [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Submarine shakes violently, with alarms going off]'' :'''Crow''': That's why you always go into the theater when you have Movie Sign. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[as someone dresses into a yellow wetsuit]'' Can't believe I have to dress like a Minion for this stupid kid's birthday party. I went to Juilliard! <hr width=50%/> :''[a yellow submarine rests on the seafloor]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[imitating John Lennon]'' Told you we shouldn't have let Ringo drive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Well, at least he died doing what he loved; yelling at fish. <hr width=50%/> :''[about a shot behind a grate]'' :'''Servo''': You know, Jonah, this shot is not ''grate''. :'''Jonah''': Thanks, Tom. I know you're just ''venting''. You wanna try one, Crow? :'''Crow''': No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be. :'''Jonah''': I hear ya. :... :''[later, on a shot of a sink]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I got it! Let that ''sink'' in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns! <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of Claire seemingly gazing down on the three silhouettes]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, she's looking right at us! :'''Crow''': Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it! :'''Servo''': And look at how she's behaving, like ''we're'' the jerks. :'''Jonah''': Yeah! :''[she begins to back away]'' :'''Servo''': No, you back off! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': More like Amelia ''Water''heart! Get it? I'm puntastic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chadwick''': It's like if you... blew 'em apart... :'''Crow''': You know, like, ba-boom? :'''Chadwick''': All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again... :''[Chadwick locks his fingers together]'' :'''Jonah''': Here's the church, here's the steeple... :'''Chadwick''' ''[Locking his fingers together tighter]'': And form one being. :'''Jonah''' Open the doors, Lords of the Deeple. === [[w:The Day Time Ended|The Day Time Ended]] === :'''Jenny''': ''[suddenly appearing in the shot]'' Bye Daddy! :'''Jonah [as Richard]''': Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby? :'''Richard''': You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay? :'''Jenny''': I will, Daddy. :'''Richard''': Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Crow''': Bargain-bin Mark Hammill's gotta get his make out on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': ''[coming downstairs]'' Hey, Dad. :'''Servo, Jonah, and Crow''': [[w:Cheers|Norm]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Richard''': ''[on the phone]'' Well how long do you think it would take to fix it? :'''Jonah''': A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza. :'''Richard''' Okay, I'll call back in an hour or so. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': No no- what toppings do you need on the- ''[Richard hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Grant''': What is it? :'''Ana''': The mirror. :'''Grant''': Well, what about it? :'''Ana''': It was broken. :'''Crow [as Grant]''': Damn bikers must have fixed it! <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is left running as Jenny goes to the bathroom]'' :'''Crow''': Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as Ana]''': ''[as the alien reveals itself to Ana]'' Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jenny''': Mommy, I don't wanna go. I like it here. :'''Beth''': Shh, honey, don't talk now... :'''Servo [as Beth]''': Or ever. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Grant enters a smoke-filled basement]'' :'''Jonah [as Grant]''': Boy, are you steaming hams down here again? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a small alien appears in the parents' bedroom]'' :'''Jonah''' [as Mr. Hankey]: Well, ''howdy-ho!'' === [[w:Killer Fish|Killer Fish]] === :'''Max''': ''[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven]'' Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg? :'''Kinga''': ''[very annoyed]'' ... Flush them the movie! :'''Max''': No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would ''blow'' their minds. :'''Kinga''': ...... No. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fisher''': ''[as officers inspect their boat]'' I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week. :'''Officer''': But this time, it's different. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': You can say that again. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': This time we got the jackpot. :'''Crow [as Fisher]''': We caught us a money shark! Check it out! :'''Fisher''': ''[holding up a catch of fish]'' Eh? :'''Servo''': ''Finding Nemo'' my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family! <hr width=50%/> :'''Luis''': You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive. :'''Jonah [as Luis]''': He's a miracle! :'''Cavello''': But he looks pretty healthy. :'''Luis''': Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's ''extremely'' efficacious. ''[snickers]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kate''': ''[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate]'' Ah ah ah, ''much'' too heavy for a man in your delicate condition. :'''Jonah''': Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the obese Ollie is pulled into the pool by Robert Lasky]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed! :'''Jonah''': It's especially humiliating because he had ''so much'' dignity in the first place. :'''Ollie''': I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling. :'''Crow [as Ollie]''': Curse this final form! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off ''Jaws'' one and two and three! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ollie''': ''[during a photoshoot]'' Well, what do you think? :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''[flashing the okay sign]'' It stinks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gabrielle''': Where have you two been? :'''Kate''': In the shower. :'''Jonah [as Gabrielle]''': Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm? :'''Lasky''': ''[playing backgammon]'' I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves. :'''Servo''': Lathering, rinsing, repeating... :'''Paul''': Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage. :'''Lasky''': Maybe I should take a lesson from you. :'''Crow''': In the shower? :'''Gabrielle''': Here, you two play. Go ahead. :'''Jonah''': In the ''shower?'' Tom, you take the next one. :'''Paul''': No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off. :'''Servo''': In the ''SHOWER???'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as a very cheap looking tornado breaks the dam causing a flood]'' :'''Growler [as a tour guide]''': If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie ''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from ''[[w:Three Amigos|The Three Amigos]]'', and ''[[w:The China Syndrome|The China Syndrome]]''. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal. <hr width=50%/> :'''M Waverly''': ''[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas]'' Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves! :'''Jonah''': Ugh, not now, M Waverly. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters]'' Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this. :'''Servo''': Jonah, are we ''really'' doing an ''[[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' bit? It's 23 years old. :'''Crow''': We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line! :'''Jonah''': It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain. :'''Servo''': Why not just leave the fox? Is there ''any'' situation where you'd ''need'' a fox? :'''Jonah''': My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels. :'''Servo''': Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight. :'''Crow''': Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower. :'''Jonah''': Exactly. :'''Servo''': And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum. :'''Jonah''': And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they ''are'' the raft! :'''Servo''': Ohhh! :'''Jonah''': Ann and Gabrielle are the oars! :'''Crow''': Kate's hair is the sail! :'''Servo''': Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel! :'''Jonah''': Exactly! And Ollie... :''[beat]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this. :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Jonah''': Yeah that's a good point... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ollie is swarmed by piranhas]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ollie bleeds in the water]'' Hey, Kool-Aid! :'''Ann''': Take my hand, Ollie! :'''Ollie''': I can't! :'''Servo [as Ollie]''': Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine! :... :''[Ollie is killed, and bloody water is all the remains]'' :'''Growler''': Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already? :'''Servo''': Yeah, we did. :'''Growler''': Okay, I'll be right over here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lasky''': You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft? :'''Paul''': ''[chuckling]'' That's all we've got. Let's try it. :'''Gabrielle''': Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you? :''[an explosion happens]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long. :'''Growler''': Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna? :'''Jonah''': No, but thanks, Growler. :'''Growler''': Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye. :'''Jonah''': What? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Lasky jumps into piranha-infested waters to catch Paul on the raft, causing the piranhas to attack him]'' :'''Growler''': My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some? :''[Jonah and the bots gag]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, you're disgusting! :'''Servo''': That's just gross! Come on. :'''Crow''': Come on Growler! :'''Growler''': Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here. <hr width=50%/> :''[as piranhas attack Lasky]'' :'''Crow [as a piranha]''': At this point, I'm just stress-eating! :'''Servo''': Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios. :'''Jonah''': Why hasn't [[w:David Blaine|David Blaine]] tried this? === [[w:Ator, the Fighting Eagle|Ator, the Fighting Eagle]] === :''[as the credit naming [[w:Miles O'Keeffe|Miles O'Keeffe]] is listed]'' :'''Servo''': Remind me again, how much Keeffe is in this movie? :'''Jonah''': Oh hush. <hr width=50%/> :'''Indun''': You will feel that you've stepped into eternity. :'''Jonah''': I stepped in ''something''. == Season 13: The Gizmoplex == === [[w:Santo en el tesoro de Drácula|Santo in the Treasure of Dracula]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms. :'''Max''': ''[[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]'', the ''[[w:SyFy|Sci-fi Channel]]'', ''[[w:Netflix|Netflix]]''... :'''Kinga''' But my family thought too small. Why subject our home-grown experiment to the hands of thankless executives... when ''we'' could be the thankless executives??? Introducing, the Kinga-dome! Our premiere theater- :'''Max''': Connected to the Gizmoplex! :'''Kinga''': ... Our ''premiere theater!!!'' ... for all things ''Mystery Science Theater 3000''. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom Servo''': This is actually my favorite ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'' sequel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Voiceover''': ''[translating a sign]'' Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist. :'''Servo''': Thursdays on Telemundo. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah Heston''' ''[about Santo's silver wrestling mask]'' It's like a Hershey Kiss in a suit. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''' Uh-oh, I think this contraption is powered by an Etch-a-Sketch. <hr width=50%/> :'''Professor Van Roth''': How strange. This mirror reflects everything. :'''Jonah''': Yes, it's a mirror. :'''Van Roth''': Except you! :'''Count Dracula''': Bastard! ''[shatters the mirror]'' :'''Servo''': Now you'll have seven years of bad suck- uh luck. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dracula flees after being revealed by Van Roth]'' :'''Jonah [as Dracula]''': You fool, I've been me the whole time! :'''Van Roth''': Mein Gott! ''[proceeds to cross his heart]'' :'''Servo''': Spectacles, testicles... testicles... testicles... <hr width=50%/> :'''Luisa''': That was an awful experience. :'''Santo''': Calm down, it's already over. Get some rest. :'''Crow T. Robot [as Luisa]''': But I've slept most of the movie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Hey, you got your Spirit Halloween store in my Ed Wood movie. :'''Servo''': No, you got your Ed Wood movie in my Spirit Halloween store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Most of wrestling is just different types of hugs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': So a booming soundtrack as the little girl walks around the house, but silence during a car chase. Okay. === [[w:Robot Wars (film)|Robot Wars]] === :''[as the opening credits lists J. Downing]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': I bet the J stands for "just please don't use my full name". <hr width=50%> :''[as a robot is shown onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, is that you??? :'''Jonah Heston''': Oh no, hey now Crow, easy. It's not. :... :''[the robot is shown again]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, you wanna have a catch? :'''Jonah''': Hey, it's not your dad, okay? :'''Crow''': Jonah, you're not my REAL dad! <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[after a model tank is destroyed]'' There goes the entire practical effect budget. <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking? :'''Rooney''': You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy. :'''Servo [as Drake]''': That's buster ''bro''! <hr width=50%> :'''Rooney''': I hope he gets his balls shot off. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Battlestar Galactica (2003 series)|So say we all]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Stumpy''': You know, we're robot men, Captain. What are we doing out here in a grit and grime where people can blow our ass away? We're supposed to be indestructible! :'''Crow''': You know, like the ''Titanic'', or the seal industry, or Gamestop stocks, or Beanie Babies, or America's love for James Corden! <hr width=50%> :''[during a laser gun fight]'' :'''Crow''': So who are we rooting for? :'''Jonah''': Oh, whoever makes the kill shot that ends the movie. <hr width=50%> :'''GPC''': ''[at the sight of a building labeled "Oasis"]'' Anyway, here's "Wonderwall." <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''' : Stumpy, get out of there, you're a sitting duck! :'''Stumpy''': Just keep that override down!!! :'''Crow''': Yeah, and maximize the wiffle hoofer, and triangular the single framler and coagulate the preflamer!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': And lo, did the white people flee into the desert, soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona. === [[w:Beyond Atlantis (film)|Beyond Atlantis]] === :'''Emily Connor''': Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon. :'''Max''': Well, [[w:The Dark Side of the Moon|as a matter of fact, it's all dark]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds. :'''Servo''': And your point? :'''Emily''': That's not gonna be problematic... :'''Crow''': I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds! :'''Emily''': I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': My friend, [[w:Ja Rule|Ja Rule]] told me that [[w:Fyre Festival|Fyre Fest]] would be here. <hr width=50%> :''[as a woman stands on East Eddie during his massage]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, she can finally clean that fan. :'''East Eddie''': Feast your eyes on this. :'''Servo''': Anything to take our eyes off of that. :'''Logan''': That's a Tuscarora! :'''Crow''': No, that's a pearl. :'''Logan''': It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it? :'''Emily''': From a wet scared guy. :'''East Eddie''': Can you fence it? :'''Logan''': Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years. :'''East Eddie''': There's a lot more where that came from. :'''Servo''': I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak. :'''East Eddie''': I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle. :'''Crow''': Splitting it? That's almost like half! :'''Logan''': ''[shaking East Eddie's hand]'' Put 'er there, pard! :'''Emily''': You got it, 'ner! <hr width=50%> :'''Logan''': Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days. :'''Emily''': Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet? :'''East Eddie''': Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand. :'''Logan''': It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene. :'''East Eddie''': So we'll split it three ways! :'''Emily [as Logan]''': Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio! :'''Logan''': No, we don't need him! :'''East Eddie''': I want him! He'll keep us honest. :'''Crow [as East Eddie]''': What are we, crooks? :'''Logan''': Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on. :''[East Eddie laughs hard]'' :'''Servo [as East Eddie]''': ''[hysterical]'' You can't live on an ''island''! It's surrounded by ''WATER''! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Servo [as Logan]''': Wait a minute, how am I sitting across from me? <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': ''[when an armed guard does nothing in regards to a nearby fight]'' Really low AI on the NPCs in this game. <hr width=50%> :'''East Eddie''': I'm speaking to him in a dialect he can't refuse to understand! :'''Emily''': Esperanto. :'''East Eddie''': The truth! :'''Crow''': Is East Eddie the bad guy??? :'''East Eddie''': And you talk to me in English! :'''Servo''': That's why American tourists are beloved the world over. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': I guess we hosts have to stick together. :'''Jonah''': Actually, historically we hosts have never stuck together. Kind of a host-eat-host world. :'''Emily''': Oh really? 'Cause maybe working together you'd have been able to escape. I mean, how'd you do 20 of these experiments and never try outsmarting the Mads? I mean, I hate to use strong language but... they seem kind of dumb. :'''Jonah''': Yes, yes yes yes yes, good point! Perhaps with the proper cooperation, this forced vacation can be brought to a cessation! :'''Emily''': Huh? Why are you talking in rhymes all of a sudden? :'''Jonah''': I will tell you later why I speak in rhyme, but unfortunately now, you've got- :''[buzzer sounds]'' :'''Emily''': MOVIE SIGN! <hr width=50%> :'''Nereus''': Only hurt and destruction can come from the feelings within you. It is your destiny to mate with an outsider, not to love him. :'''Crow''': Island Tinder. <hr width=50%> :'''Vic Mathias''': ''[to Syrene]'' I don't love you. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you... :''[Syrene runs out of the hut]'' :'''Crow''': She really runs like a mermaid. :''[Mathias slowly exits his hut to watch her run off]'' :'''Servo [as Mathias]''': [[w: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory|Wait. Stop. Come back]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Syrene''': There is still another place. :'''Emily''': Where the watermelons grow? :'''Logan''': You've been holding out. :'''Syrene''': It's very deep. :'''Logan''': Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right? :'''Syrene''': According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls. :'''Crow''': Boring mythology, but okay. :'''Logan''': You've seen them? :'''Syrene''': No, but others in my village have. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': And the fish down there? ''Totally'' naked. :'''Logan''': What are we waiting for? :'''Servo [as Syrene]''': You mean, "For what are we waiting?" :'''Syrene''': It's very dangerous. :'''Logan''' You only live once. :'''Emily''': Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': This movie is just a series of nice landscapes ruined by weird people. <hr width=50%> :''[as the villagers carry Syrene's casket boat into the ocean]'' :'''Emily''': To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too. :... :'''Emily''': I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get. :'''Servo''': No one was. :'''Crow''': Ariel's burial. === [[w:Munchie|Munchie]] === :''[as Gage begins daydreaming about an awards ceremony in class]'' :'''Jonah''': Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine. :'''Male Announcer''': It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. ''[is given an envelope]'' Envelope please, thank you. ''[gives it to the woman next to him]'' :'''Crow [as the announcer]''': I can't read. :'''Female Announcer''': And the winner is... :'''GPC''': [[w:La La Land|La La Land]]! [[w:List of accolades received by La La Land|Oh, not again]]... :'''Female Announcer''': Gage Dobson! :''[the students cheer and applaud]'' :'''Servo [as voiceover announcer]''': This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as ''What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm?'' and ''Naked Book Report II''. :''[as Gage accepts a trophy]'' :'''Jonah''': Okay, and cue the [[w:Carrie (1976 film)|bucket of pigs blood]]. :''[Mrs. Blaylok suddenly appears by Gage]'' :'''Crow [as Blaylok/[[w:Kanye West|Kanye West]]]''': [[w:2009 MTV Video Music Awards|I'mma let you finish...]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Blaylok''': The problem on the board, how can we arrive at a sum? :'''Jonah''': [[w:All Star (song)|BODY once told me the world is gonna Munchie]]! <hr width=50%> :'''Gage Dobson''': Do you think you'll ever get this Jeep running? :'''Professor Cruikshank''': This bucket of bolts? Of course I will! Then I'll have to think of something to do with these hands. :'''Crow''': Don't, you'll go blind! <hr width=50%> :'''Dobson''': Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight? :'''Munchie''': Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Ew. :'''Dobson''': You're gonna have to make your own bed though. :'''Munchie''': Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared. :'''Jonah''': [[w: Pontius Pilate| Pontius Pilate]] sends his regards. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Munchie sits at a computer, and the puppet clumsily types on the keyboard]'' :'''Munchie''': Okay, let's go. Let's see what kind of grades this kid's got. :'''Jonah''': He just spelled "jkfghfgl." <hr width=50%> :'''Leon Daggett''': ''[dazed]'' I... am gonna kill... you. :'''Crow [as Leon]''': Once... I deal... with this brain hem...o...rrhage. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gage punches Leon out cold into a laundry cart]'' :'''Servo [as Gage]''': Violence ''is'' the answer! :''[shot of Leon in a dazed state as the laundry cart rolls into the showers]'' :'''Jonah''': Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean... :'''Servo [as Gage]''': You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage. :''[several other classmates cheer for Gage]'' :'''Jonah''': Gage's understudies. :'''Gym Teacher''': Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk! :'''Crow [as Gym Teacher]''': You're guilty of manslaughter, bud! <hr width=50%> :'''Elliot''': This is the most important thing I've ever asked anyone in my life. :'''Crow [as Elliot]''': Can you get me out of this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Munchie''': Gage, you should never ask for anything unless you really want it. :'''Dobson''': I know. :'''Crow''': Is that what the puppet team said to the concept artist for this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Cathy''': ''[interrupting the party]'' Gaaage! :'''Servo''': [[w:Garfield|Garfield!]] :'''Jonah''': [[w: Dennis the Menace (U.S. comics|Dennis!]] :'''Crow''': [[Malcolm in the Middle|Malcolm!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks|ALLLVIIIN!!!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': It's comforting to see Munchie in a body bag. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the faces of the characters show during the closing credits]'' :'''Jonah''': Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card. :'''Crow''': Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed. :'''Servo''': Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial. :''[as Gage is shown]'' :'''Jonah''': Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch. === [[w:Doctor Mordrid|Doctor Mordrid]] === :'''Emily''': ''[during a long panning shot of Mordrid's room during the title sequence]'' I think the camera operator might just be lost. <hr width=50%> :''[during an establishing shot of [[w:Rio de Janiro| Rio de Janiro]] and the [[w: Christ the Redeemer (statue)|Christ the Redeemer statue]]]'' :'''Crow''' For God so loved the world ''thiiis'' much. <hr width=50%> :'''Kabal''': ''[pouring out a thick liquid onto the ground]'' Beyond the barrier of heaven and earth, let it go free into a closed dwelling. May it cause it to enter. :'''Emily''': The world has never seen such evil caramel. :'''Kabal''': Primum materialis... :'''GPC 2''': Lorem ipsum! :'''Kabal''': Release this blood of the earth. May it find its place with the philosopher's stone. :'''Emily''' Now in America, that's [[w:Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone|sorcerer's stone]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Samantha Hunt''': Oh listen, I was curious about- :''[Dr. Mordrid uses his medallion to freeze time and vanish]'' :'''Servo''': Dr. Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk. <hr width=50%> :''[Mordrid opens a chest and begins browsing through scrolls]'' :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''' Let's see, [[w:Dead Sea Scrolls|Dead Sea Scrolls]], exalted scrolls, [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]], yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Samantha tries to open Mordrid's door, only to be burned by the doorknob]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring|One does not simply walk into Mordrid's]]. <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation]'' :'''Mordrid''': I have to tell you something. :'''Emily [as Mordrid]''': I'm pregnant. :'''Mordrid''': ''Show'' you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer. :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''': Through the medium of dance. :'''Samantha''': Everything we say is being recorded. :'''Emily [as Samantha]''': We're live on [[w:Twitch (service)|Twitch]]. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub. <hr width=50%> :'''Adrian''': Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- ''[Gaudio shoots him in the leg]'' :'''Emily [as Adrian]''': My jelly pants! :'''Adrian''': IT HURTS! :'''Gaudio''': Call him an ambulance. :'''Crow [as police officer]''': You're an ambulance, sir. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': I can't believe ''Dr. Mordrid'' was a Christmas movie the whole time! :'''Emily''': Well, okay, but it wasn't though. :'''Servo''': But there was a Christmas tree in it. :'''Emily''': Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. ''101 Dalmatians'' has a Christmas tree in it. :'''Crow''': Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, ''and'' has a Christmas tree in it? :'''Servo''': Like ''Die Hard''. :'''Emily''': Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. ''Die Hard'' came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie. :'''Servo''': How do you know when ''Die Hard'' came out? :'''Emily''': I have this discussion a lot. :'''Crow''': So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': That's right. :'''Servo''': What about ''Nightmare Before Christmas''? :'''Emily''': Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie. :'''Crow''': ''Elf''? :'''Emily''': Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption. :'''Servo''': ''It's a Wonderful Life''? :'''Emily''': While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness. :'''Servo''': So according to Newton's third law of motion, ''any'' movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': Me and Newton are on the same page there. :'''Crow''': Then ''Titanic'' is a Christmas movie! :'''Emily''': Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill. === [[w:Demon Squad|Demon Squad]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point. :'''Joel''': I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[shrill-voiced]'' It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh- :'''Kinga''': GENTLEMEN! <hr width=50%> :'''Bonsey''': Wait... who was that guy again? :'''Ardy''': I'll tell you later. Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%> :'''Daisy O'Reilly''': ...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time. :'''Nick Moon''': Those things still cost money, right? :'''Daisy''': Thing's older than I am. :'''Nick Moon''': Still works harder. :'''Crow''': Says the drunk guy. :'''Daisy''': As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I ''thought'' I was hired for. :'''Servo [as Nick Noon]''': Well I ''thought'' I needed a jaded barista. :'''Nick Moon''': We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you. :'''Daisy''': It helped that I was the only applicant. :'''Joel''': Ooh, another LinkedIn success story. <hr width=50%> :'''Nick Moon''': Now what can I do for you miss... :'''Delilah Fontaine''': Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine. :'''Nick Moon''': Miss Fontaine. :'''Delilah''': Call me Lilah. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': So, Karen... :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Leslie... :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Sandy... :'''Nick Moon''': Any relation to Charles Fontaine? :'''Delilah''': He's my father. :'''Nick Moon''': Let me stop you there. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Tony. :'''Nick Moon''': I don't do missing persons. :'''Delilah''': I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest. :'''Nick Moon''': Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check. :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Because Nick don't do math. <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room. :'''Nick Moon''': I do this for all my clients. :'''Servo [as Delilah]''': Yes, I see them under your bed. :'''Nick Moon''': Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients. :'''Crow [as Delilah]''': Oh, I get it. You're a pig! <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': What are you going to do? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': I just ate 14 dumplings. What do ''you'' think? <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation of a vampire]'' :'''Nick Moon''': What's The Stranger planning? :'''Joel''': ''Stranger Things''? :'''Vampire''': Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Hmmm... dragons. :'''Vampire''': That's all I know. Now can I go? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Sure, do you need your parking validated? <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': ''[after Nick startles her]'' I'm starting to see why you're single. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Pretty cool, huh? :'''Nick Moon''': ''[surprised]'' ... Wow. :'''Servo''': Yeah, a real, live woman. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': Pretty niiice! === [[w:Gamera vs. Jiger|Gamera vs. Jiger]] === :'''Ardy''': Gamera? I could really go for some turtle meat. <hr width=50%/> :''[during the opening credits montage]'' :'''Servo''': I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now? :'''Crow''': Has Gamera been in other movies? :'''Jonah''': Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. ''[[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Gyaos|Gamera vs. Gyaos]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]]'', ''[[w:The Bridges of Madison County (film)|Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County]]'', and ''[[w:Kramer vs. Kramer|Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer]]''. :'''Crow''': Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer. :'''Jonah''': Oh, totally. :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's what I like about him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiroshi''': ''[about a miniature submarine]'' Will it really dive, or is this model a toy? :'''Hiroshi's Father''': No, it's a real miniature submarine. But the trouble is, it's too real, and goes too far down. :'''Servo [as Hiroshi's Father]:''' Like my serotonin. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Gamera is like the original fidget spinner. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jiger shoots Gamera with darts]'' :'''Crow''': Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?" :''[Jiger charges Gamera and rams him]'' :'''Jonah''': [[w:Pokemon|Jiger uses dash! It's super effective]]! <hr width=50%/> :''[a ship's doctor takes a drink of liquor]'' :'''Servo''': Second opinion from Dr. Jim Bean. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the statue is unloaded]'' :'''Hiroshi''': They'll unload it. :'''Susan''': ''[in a heavy hard to understand accent]'' These men should teach you a lesson. They're not afraid if some old curse gets them. :'''Crow''': If anyone needs subtitles in this movie, it's ''her''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Let's call this monster [[w:Axl Rose|Axl Rose]], because he's got an [[w: Appetite for Destruction|appetite for destruction]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is wounded and beaten by Jiger, and Gamera slowly retreats]'' :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell? :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears. :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name. :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow. :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' And turtles do everything slooow... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy navigate the miniature submarine through Gamera's lungs]'' :'''Jonah''': This is the most stressful game of Operation ever played. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy venture out into Gamera's lung]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Pure Imagination|Come with me, and you'll see, a world of turtle respiration! Steal your dad's submarine, and attempt resuscitation.]] :'''Hiroshi''': Tommy, I think this is it over here. Dr. Matsui, there's a small hole in his side. :'''Dr. Matsui''': A hole? Be very careful. :'''Servo''': [[#Eegah|Watch out for snakes]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays and Gamera flies off with Jiger's dead body]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera! :'''Crow''': Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married". :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life! === The Batwoman === :''[as the Batwoman rides a horse through a Mexican village to a jazz melody]'' :'''Emily''': Wow, Gotham got hit hard by the recession. :'''Crow''': Spaghetti westerns only wish they were Sultry Jazz Westerns. <hr width=50%/> :''[as reporters crowd Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Batwoman, when will you release your tax returns? :'''Servo''': Batwoman, what's your position on pants? :'''Crow''': Is it true the [[w:Zack Snyder's Justice League|Snyder Cut]] of ''Batwoman'' has 25% more spearfishing? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Eric Williams''': You're about to witness the discovery of the century! :'''Servo [as Williams]''': Stock footage! :'''Dr. Williams''': From the depths of the ocean, over 400 million years ago, surfaced the beginnings of the human race! :'''Emily''': Is this a Scientology pitch? :'''Dr. Williams''': And it all began with the first vertebrate, the fish! Starting from that point, we will make the regress into the dawn of evolution. :'''Crow''': Oh, edibles are hitting. :'''Dr. Williams''': And we will create a new being with the likeness of our ancestors: a human amphibious hybrid! ''[laughs maniacally]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, now I hate when comedians laugh at their own jokes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Well, Danny Elfman lost his job to an alarm clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Henchman''': ''[bringing Batwoman to Dr. Williams]'' Boss, look who we found! Get in here! :''[Batwoman begins to fight the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Pow! :'''Servo''': Biff! :''[Dr. Williams grabs a scalpel and moves for Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Grab! :'''Crow''': Lunge! :''[Batwoman grabs a beaker of acid and throws it in Dr. Williams' face]'' :'''Servo''': Acid! <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''Batwoman'', the movie that dares to say, "We rented an underwater camera, and we're going to get every last peso out of it!" <hr width=50%/> :''[a car pulls out as a drum set plays the start of some upbeat music]'' :'''Servo''': I do ''not'' like the sound of that transmission. <hr width=50%/> :''[during a car chase scene involving henchmen and Batwoman]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the chase music]'' Baaatwoman swerves. Baaatwoman drives. With Baaatwoman nerve, Baaatwoman jives! :'''Emily''': See, this is why you've got to have a dashcam. :''[Batwoman honks her horn at the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, yeah. Honk your horn. That'll show 'em. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Batwoman swims through a school of fish]'' :'''Emily''': I'm pretty sure she was in [[w:The Aquabats|the Aquabats]]. :'''Servo''': Well, she's in [[w:Phish|Phish]] now. :'''Crow''': Clearly. <hr width=50%/> :''[Batwoman is chased into an underwater patch of kelp]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Help! (song)|Kelp! I need somebody...]] :'''Emily''': Please no. Please no. :'''Servo''': [[w:With a Little Help from My Friends|I get by with a little kelp from my friends...]] :'''Crow''': No no no, you really shouldn't. :'''Servo''': Sorry. I can't kelp myself. :'''Crow and Emily''': Uuugh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Williams''': It'll be interesting to see if a woman can survive this kind of surgery and restore her pineal fluids without dying. Up to date, no man has been able to, but maybe the female gender is actually the most adequate to carry out this experiment for biological reasons. :'''Mario''': You're insane, doctor! :'''Dr. Williams''': You may be right, but as a matter of fact, there's an invisible line separating insanity and genius! :'''Servo''': The [[w:Kanye West|Kanye]] line. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :'''Bonsey''': Oh, this one sounds familiar. :'''Ardy''': Shhhh... <hr width=50%/> :''[a bridge explodes as a funeral parade passes over it]'' :'''Crow''': It's a boy! :'''Jonah''': Yay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as spy]''': ''[as a female spy takes off her sunglasses and looks into the camera]'' Hello viewer, there were five mistakes in that scene. Can ''you'' name them all? <hr width=50%/> :'''Medika''': ''[being wheeled away by a group of women]'' Mr. West! :'''Nick West''': Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow [as a nurse]''': But we have to surgery. :''[Nick runs to the group of women as they turn to him with medical tools]'' :'''Jonah [as a nurse]''': Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy. :'''Nick West''': Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up. :''[a nun sneaks behind him and incapacitates him]'' :'''Servo [as nun]''': Sorry, but this is out of network. :'''Jonah [as nun]''': And then there were nun! ''[the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile]'' Ha. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as Sir Anthony]'' Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what? :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': ''[dressed as Medika]'' It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT. :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': Greenwich Mean Time! :'''Servo''': Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees. :'''Jonah''': Huh?! :'''Crow''': Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork! :'''Servo''': Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI... :'''Jonah''': Oh, I know that one! For your information. :'''Crow''': Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL. :'''Jonah''': Talk to you later. :'''Crow''': Correct! :'''Jonah''': Ah! Then why'd you- oh you... :'''Servo''': Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK? :'''Crow''': Yeah, what do you say to that? :'''Jonah''': Uh, OWGMS. :'''Crow and Servo''': Huh? :''[movie sign sounds]'' :'''Jonah''' Oh, we got movie sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[Sumuru is handed a gun]'' :'''Nick West''': What's that thing? :'''Servo [as Sumuru]''': It's for mommy's headaches. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Frankie Avalon's hair comes courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sumuru''': Erno, are his clothes packed? :'''Erno''': Yes, my lady. :'''Nick West''': Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so. :'''Crow [as Sumuru]''': Burn the suit. :'''Sumuru''': And take care of his bill. :'''Nick West''': Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience. :'''Sumuru''': Keep joking, Mr. West. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Sumuru''': You will be finished with jokes before the night is out. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Us too. :'''Nick West''': I was beginning to run out of material anyway. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Agreed. <hr width=50%/> :''[Helga undresses behind a curtain as a shirtless Tommy Carter sits with his back to it]'' :'''Crow [as Frankie Avalon]''': I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me? :... :''[Helga comes out from behind the curtain, wrapped in a towel]'' :'''Crow''': Sham-wow! :'''Tommy Carter''': Well, what'd you have in mind? :'''Helga''': Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... ''[reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles]'' :'''Servo [as Frankie Avalon]''': It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon! :''[Tommy Carter drops his pistol]'' :'''Jonah''': Bang! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Sumuru whips Nick West in a dungeon]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, if there are any kids watching, it's past your bedtimes. === [[w:H. G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come|H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come]] === :''[a robot presses a big red "cancel" button]'' :'''Emily''': Meanwhile, at ''Netflix''... <hr width=50%/> :''[shot of a computer screen giving various readings]'' :'''Servo [as an officer]''': It's called Twitter. It's gonna be ''great'' for the discourse. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. John Caball dons a silver radiation suit]'' :'''Servo''': Chernobyl for a prom theme. What were they thinking? :'''Crow [as Dr. Caball]''': Alright, you're gonna wanna cook me at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes, you'll know when I'm done when a fork easily pierces my skin. Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives. I'm a potato. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Caball gazes out into space]'' :'''Dr. Caball''': Well, we're on our way. Out there is the vastness of space... the unknown... :'''Crow''': [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|It's only a model.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Kim Smedley''': Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child. :'''Servo''': Emily, do you still think of yourself as an Earth child? :'''Emily''': Oh, I don't know. Ask me after I've been here for seven years. :'''Crow''': Uh, no human has ever lived here that long. Just ask the other guys. :'''Emily''': Wait, what? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sparks''': ''[to Jason Caball]'' Let me lead the way. :'''Emily''': Aw, that's sweet. Would you guys ever escort me into a dangerous unknown situation? :'''Servo''': Uh, I'd walk with you so I could better criticize your choices. :'''Crow''': I'd let you walk in front of me so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel. :'''Servo''': And I'd definitely film the whole thing for [[w:WorldStarHipHop|WorldStarHipHop]]. :'''Crow and Servo''': WorldStar! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily''': Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the [[w:USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)|USS ''Enterprise'']]? :'''Servo''': The USS Compromise. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Omus tortures Dr. Caball with high pitched sound, causing him to scream and spasm]'' :'''Emily''': You know, I do the same thing when I can't get [[w:Baby Shark|"Baby Shark"]] out of my head either. === [[w:The Mask (1961 film)|The Mask]] === :'''Max''': Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills. :'''Kinga''': Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin. :'''Max''': I just thought, because it's Halloween and all- :'''Kinga''': You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up! :'''Max''': Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you. :'''Kinga''': Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of [[w:It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown|the special]]? :'''Max''': I never get that far, because it's too scary! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Warner Brothers logo appears]'' :'''Jonah''': Warner Brothers? Are we in the right theater? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Moran''': I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': And goofy ghosts. :'''Jim Moran''': ''[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask]'' But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask... :'''Crow''': The [[w:Misfits (band)|Misfits]] logo! :'''Jim Moran''': ... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': Or a Klondike bar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Allan Barnes''': Exactly what is this mask? :'''Michael Radin''': ''[under duress]'' The mask is to blame. You're just not aware of its power. :'''GPC [as Michael]''': It's toxic mask-ulinity. <hr width=50%/> :''[dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head]'' :'''Jonah''': For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist. :'''Crow [as bobblehead]''': Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye... :''[Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door]'' :'''Servo [as Mrs. Kelly]''': Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? ''[Mrs. Kelly opens the door]'' Michael where are- oh! ''[Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]'' :''[a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form]'' :'''Jonah''': He died doing what he loved: jazz hands. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf song)|You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!]] :'''Crow''': Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum? :''[shot of a skull with its eyes]'' :'''Servo''': Ack ack! Ack ack ack! :''[the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly]'' :'''Jonah''': Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust. :'''Crow [as Pam]''': Like Jake, from Statefarm. :'''Dr. Barnes''': Trust? There's no one I can trust. :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': Not even Flo from Progressive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': This movie is like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, seen through the migraine-inducing idea of 3D glasses. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Barnes takes off the mask]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask. :'''Servo''': Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks. :'''Jonah''': Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits. :'''Crow''': Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan? :''[Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Barnes]''': I can't hear you! I'm a book now! :'''Pam Albright''': The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Snickers|There's a hunger inside you...]] :'''Pam Albright''': And when you put it on again, what will it be like? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Won't go away... :'''Pam Albright''': Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body? :'''Crow''': It's grease lightning! :'''Pam Albright''': Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?! :'''Dr. Barnes''': Shut up, SHUT UP! :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': You're killing me with this Word Jazz! :'''Pam Albright''': Tell me I'm not right. :'''Jonah [as Hank Hill]''': [[w:King of the Hill|That Pam ain't right.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': ''[on the phone]'' Police department, please. :'''Servo [as Pam]''': Yes, I'm white. === [[w:The Bubble (1966 film)|The Bubble]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry. :'''Joel''': Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff ''Manos''. :'''Kinga''': Ardy? :'''Ardy''': Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment. :'''Kinga''': So on a scale from ''Mitchell'' to ''Monsters-a-Go-Go'', where would you say this lands? :'''Ardy''': Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around ''Manos: The Hands of Fate'' and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies. :'''Kinga''': You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch ''Manos''. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is ''The Bubble''. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE! :'''Ardy''': Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Catherine enters labor]'' :'''Mark''': I don't know what to do. :'''Catherine''': You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache. :'''Joel''': Is it? :'''Catherine''': Oh God, this one's king-sized! :'''Mark''': Honey, I'm sorry. :'''Crow''': It's too late for that. :'''Catherine''': What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator. :'''Mark''': Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': According to Craigslist. :'''Catherine''': Better be a hell of an obstetrician. :'''Mark''': No... just hold it in, please? :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': This opening sequence is a clickbait article just waiting to happen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Catherine''': By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric? :'''Mark''': Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': What?! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tony and Mark drive through the mysterious town]'' :'''Mark''': Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot. :'''Tony''': That's it! A movie lot, big deal. :'''Mark''': Yeah, of course. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': That explains everything. :'''Mark''': The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts... :'''Servo [as Mark]''': This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better. :'''Mark''': But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony. :'''Tony''': Friend, all I want is the exit. :'''Joel [as Tony]''': One of these warp pipes should get us out of here. :... :'''Tony''': Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane. :'''Servo''': All I want's the end credits. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time. :'''Crow''': Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective. :'''Joel''': That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble''." :'''Servo''': But, we are watching Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble'', and that's pretty bad. :'''Joel''': Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mark''': Look, isn't it about time? :'''Servo''': Uh-oh... :'''Mark''': That you face reality? :'''Joel''': Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom. :'''Catherine''': Reality? What reality? :'''Crow''': You're soaking in it. :'''Catherine''': That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo. :'''Servo''': You make it sound so metal. :'''Catherine''': I'd rather be in that nightmare. :'''Joel''': This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married. :'''Mark''': In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year? :'''Catherine''': But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of- :'''Mark''': Since when haven't I been under an eye? :'''Catherine''': As a child. :'''Mark''': As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Then came army school. :'''Mark''': When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore. :'''Servo''': The end! :'''Mark''': Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place? :'''Crow [as Catherine]''': Dull. :'''Mark''': The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate. :'''Joel''': And entertainment. :'''Mark''': Yeah, even the bomb. :'''Crow''': Whoa, that's heavy. :'''Catherine''': They're walking dead! :'''Mark''': Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': We're chill. :'''Mark''': We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security. :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Thanks to ADT. :'''Mark''': Well what's wrong with that? :'''Catherine''': I... I look up there... and I think to myself... :'''Crow [as Louis Armstrong]''': [[w: What a Wonderful World|What a bubbleful world!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mark walks along the bubble barrier in a daze]'' :'''Servo''': This is what I imagine it feels like to work for Amazon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! ''THE BUBBLE'' IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo and Joel''': Wonder what he wanted. === [[w:The Christmas Dragon|The Christmas Dragon]] === :'''Bonsey''': God help us, everyone. :'''Ardy''': Movie in the ho-ho-hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[Gazared and Boomtall approach Ayden's parents]'' :'''Gazared''': Taxes. :'''Ayden's Mother''': Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us? :'''Gazared''': Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading? :'''Ayden's Father''': I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself. :'''Gazared''': I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him! :''[thugs draw swords and approach]'' :'''Crow [as a thug]''': Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers! :''[Ayden's Father punches a thug, starting a brief fight]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Wonderful Christmastime|Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!]] :'''Ayden''': ''[comes out of hiding]'' No! :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': File an extension! :'''Ayden's Father''': ''[stops the fight]'' Alright! Alright. Enough. :'''Emily [as Gazared]''': Really? You were winning. :'''Ayden's Father''': I'll get the money. :'''Crow [as Ayden's Father]''': We can Airbnb our hut. :'''Ayden's Father''': Just don't hurt her. :'''Gazared''': I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! ''[the struggle resumes]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas. :'''GPC 2''': Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire? :'''Servo''': And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fin''': Where's Garrett? :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. ''[sobs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Rand baits a hook and tosses it in the river]'' :'''Ayden''': Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it. :'''Joel [as Ayden]''': But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water. :'''Hoyt''': What do you think you're going to catch? :'''Servo''': Lyme disease. <hr width=50%/> :''[a river monster rams and topples the boat and its occupants]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! :'''Crow''': Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik beckons for the orphans to keep quiet as they approach a dragon]'' :'''Servo [as Arik/Elmer Fudd]''': Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ayden befriends the dragon]'' :'''Servo''': It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ayden''': ''[to the dragon]'' Stay off that wing. :'''Jonah [as the dragon]''': ''[the dragon nods]'' Alright, ''mom''. :'''Ayden''': Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest. :'''Crow [as Ayden]''': And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here. :'''Saerwen''': Don't worry... :'''Servo [as Saerwen]''': I left money for pizza. :'''Saerwen''': You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another. :'''Jonah''': Thanks to social media. :''[Arik approaches them]'' :'''Crow''': Third wheel alert. :'''Ayden''': We're going north. Catch up with us when you can. :'''Servo [as the dragon]''': I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik and Saerwen kiss]'' :'''Jonah [as Arik]''': Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the dragon is hooked to Father Christmas' sleigh]'' :'''Emily''': Oh man, guys look, they ''sleighed'' the dragon. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's neat. :'''Jonah''': Oh, come on, Emily... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Father Christmas, the dragon, and the orphans dive at Gazared and her thugs]'' :'''Jonah [as Ayden]''': The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL! :''[Gazared and the thugs jump into a river]'' :'''Emily [as Father Christmas]''': Eat tinsel, bastards! :'''Joel [as Father Christmas]''': Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight! :'''Jonah, Emily, and Joel''': Ho ho ho! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': It feels like we're moving! :'''Emily''': Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song! :'''Jonah''': Which one? There's like 12. :'''Joel''': Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's. == Gizmoplex Short of the Month == === Pipeline to the Clouds === === Let's Make a Meal in 20 Minutes! === === Court Case === :'''Narrator''': Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing. :'''Crow''': I thought it was a [[w:Ring of Fire (song)|burning ring]]. :'''Narrator''': And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this... :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Little shorts. :'''Narrator''': The tennis ball. :'''Crow''': Scientific name: Tennius Ballias. :'''Narrator''': It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world. :'''Servo''': Palm Springs? :'''Narrator''': Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light. :'''Emily''': Like my marriage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ... so how does a ball get that way? :'''Emily''': Practice. :'''Narrator''': How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect? :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or so white? :'''Narrator''': The answer comes from machines... :'''Servo and Crow''': Yaaay! :'''Narrator''': ... and people. :'''Servo and Crow''': Booo... :'''Emily''': Oh... :'''Narrator''': ... and a name. ''[the camera focuses on the [[w:Penn Racquet Sports|Penn]] brand]'' A big one. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Penn! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants. :'''Emily''': Wow. :'''Narrator''': Each all dedicated to one thing... :'''Emily''': Balls! :'''Narrator''': Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them. :'''Servo''': Millions of balls! :'''Narrator''': The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland. :'''Crow''': ''[Irish accent]'' Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Our nation's security depends on it. :'''Narrator''': Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job. :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Another Brick in the Wall|Just another brick in the wall]]... :'''Narrator''': Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres. :'''Crow''': I'm learning a lot. :'''Narrator''': Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Then we add the honey barbecue sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom. :'''Servo''': Like a waffle. :'''Narrator''': These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in. :'''Emily''': Like [[w:Tigger|Tigger]]. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Narrator''': Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly. :'''Servo''': This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Uhhh... :'''Narrator''': Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. ''Not'' tennis. :'''Emily''': I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled. :'''Emily''': [[w:I'll Tumble 4 Ya|I'll tumble for ya]]... :'''Narrator''': Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed. :'''Servo''': Now he's just making up words. :'''Crow''': Yeah, right? :'''Narrator''': A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn. :'''Crow''': James Penn. :'''Narrator''': A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?! :'''Narrator''': The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers. :''[a handler runs their fingers along the can's edge]'' :'''Emily''': Ow! Ow ow ow... :'''Narrator''': It was introduced by Penn. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a machine rapidly squeezes a tennis ball]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, you two shouldn't be watching this. This is... :''[the camera zooms out to reveal multiple balls getting squeezed in the same way, causing the bots to laugh mischievously]'' :'''Servo''': This is great... it's a free-for-all... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emily''': When you think balls, think Penn. :'''Crow''': Balls! === Sleep for Health === :'''Servo''': ''[as the title is shown]'' I prefer the second film in the series: ''Sleep for Revenge''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A new baby is an exciting addition to the family... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': But to keep the balance, someone must go. :'''Martha''': He's always asleep. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's what he ''wants'' you to think. :'''Martha''': When's he ever gonna be any fun? :'''David''': All he ever does is eat and sleep. :'''Servo [as David]''': And watch "Meet the Press." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everybody has habits. ''[a father is shown reading a newspaper with a stern expression]'' Dad likes to read his newspaper every evening in this same chair. :'''Servo [as the father]''': [[w:Garfield|A cat that eats lasagna?!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Getting ready for bed at a regular time is one of the most important habits you can learn. A quiet hour or two before bedtime is part of this habit. It makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, ready for bed. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Easy pickings for an apex predator. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Some people go right to sleep, others take longer. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins. :'''Crow [as David]''': 239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one. <hr width=50%/> :''[David is seen flying a plane in a dream that sputters and dies in midair without falling]'' :'''Crow''': You know, if you die in a dream, you die in real life. :'''Joel [as David]''': ''[while David pulls out a big wrench and works on the propeller]'' No! Not like this, not today! I'm only nine! I never even finished that chapter I mentioned earlier! :''[the airplane revs up again]'' :'''Servo''': Eh, still more reliable than flying with [[w:Spirit Airlines|Spirit Airlines]]. :'''Narrator''': Dreams don't seem to make much sense, do they? :'''Crow''': Nope! :'''Narrator''': ''[as David is seen sleeping again]'' That's because the brain is resting along with the body... :'''Joel [as David]''': 432, 433- oh, I did 433 twice. Gotta start over. 1, 2... <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The alarm hasn't rung yet. David finds that he usually wakes up before it goes off. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which is why you should always get up a full 30 minutes before you awaken. :'''Narrator''': You're never at your best until at least an hour or two afterwards. That's one reason why getting up early is so important. :'''Crow''': Uhhhh... didn't this family used to have a baby? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There's plenty of time for breakfast, too. Breakfast is an important meal that shouldn't be missed. If you usually go to bed early enough, you usually wake up early, too. You can start the day in a pleasant, unhurried way. It's more fun for you that way and more fun for the rest of the family, too. David and Martha enjoy their mornings. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': It's the last daylight they'll see before descending into the mines. :'''Joel''': ''[David and Martha leave the table]'' "Well, gotta run, mom and dad, but this has been pleasant and unhurried." :'''Crow''': Seriously though! This film started with a baby! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film ends]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, I'm really worried. What happened to the baby?! === The Wonder of Reproduction === :'''Pearl''': It's another one for Emily, and it's called "The Wonder of Reproduction," and as the mother of a mad scientist, I can wholeheartedly tell you it's no wonder that I never did that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the title is revealed]'' :'''Crow''': Finally! We get to learn how to forge money. :''[Title card reads "From the Wonder World Series".]'' :'''Emily''': Anyway, here's, uh, Wonderworld. [[w:Wonderwall (song)|Today was gonna be the day that we're gonna reproduce with you...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary''': Man, oh man, would you look at this one? She sure is beautiful... :'''Crow [as Gary]''': But she doesn't even know I exist! :'''Bob''': Well, this she happens to be a ''he.'' :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Idiot. :'''Bob''': You're looking at the male [[w: Siamese fighting fish|betta splenden]], and he is one of the most beautiful fish you'll probably ever see. As you look closely... :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Just look at that muddy brown. :'''Bob''': ... almost every color of the rainbow, sparkling in his sleek body, and flowing fins as he swims... :'''Crow''': Bob's biting his knuckle right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Strange as it may seem, in the family of betta splendens, it's the father who cares for the babies, and raises a family. :'''Servo''': A real Mr. Mom. :'''Girl''': Father? What does the mother fish do? :'''Crow [as Bob]''': She drinks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': The father betta will go up to the surface and breathe in a mouthful of air. Then he will swim to the place that he's chosen to build his nest. Now this is usually by a plant, or on the underside of a floating leaf. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Hopefully by a sport's bar. :'''Bob''': Then he will blow out the bubbles of air, which is coated with very special saliva from his mouth. :'''Servo''': When ''he'' does it, he's a good dad, but when I do it, I'm asked to leave the [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as a fish]''': As I sat in the hole, I couldn't help but wonder. Was this all there was to life under the sea? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Now, the Creator has given most wild creatures a strong instinct to protect their young, and mother [[w:Egyptian mouthbrooder|mouthbrooder]] performs this task in such a remarkable way. :'''Crow''': Magic! :'''Bob''': Even though she has scooped up all of the eggs into her very large mouth, she will not swallow them. She keeps them in her mouth until they hatch into baby fish. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': And will remind those children of her sacrifice for years to come. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the three children leave to go catch minnows]'' :'''Bob''': Have fun! :'''Crow''': 'Cause the [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam War]] is right around the corner! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Uncle Bob will return in ''The Wonders of Snake Digestion''! === Cavalcade === :'''Narrator''': This twisted tornado-wracked pile of stem was a microwave radio relay tower... :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Narrator]''': Now, it's garbage. :'''Narrator''': A link in our nation's complex telephone network. Minutes after the tower was felled by a tornado, service was restored by switching calls to alternate routes of the network, but a temporary tower must be erected, and quickly. :'''Pearl''': Before it kills again. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a tower is getting constructed]'' :'''Pearl''': Gentlemen, this is going to be a wild game of Mousetrap. <hr width=50%/> :'''Technician''': ''[adjusting a signal]'' Take it to the left. :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': [[w:Cha Cha Slide|Take it back now, y'all.]] :'''Technician''': Left. Left a little more. :'''Pearl [as Technician]''': My- ''My'' left! :'''Technician''': Easy... Whoa! He's right on frequency! :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Technician]''': I'm gonna take this energy home and satisfy my wife for a change. :'''Narrator''': Television programs, telephone calls, and data are going through. This one was for practice... :'''Pearl''': And gosh darn was it fun! :'''Narrator''': ... for crews like this, the big task is keeping the nation's communications flowing. :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as another worker]''': Wait, this was ''practice?'' Jeff died today! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Why the upsurge of interest in the heavens? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Because hell is full. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the title card, "The Paradox of Lead"]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': If it's so dangerous, why does it taste so good? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The very idea of lead in glass seems contradictory. Nonetheless, this goblet of lead crystal was made in England by George Ravenscroft back in the year 1675. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': He died in 1676. :'''Narrator''': Lead glass today protects against penetrating X-rays. :'''Pearl''': And that pervert, Superman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this picturesque countryside, farming is the leading occupation. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': Number two is murder. === Balance Beam for Girls === === Bicycling Visual Skills === :''[as Mr. Mathis and a group of student drivers exit a car]'' :'''Emily [as Mr. Mathis]''': Just act casual, and remember, if anyone asks, we hit a deer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Say, I have a new film on safe driving skills that I'm gonna look at in the morning. Would any of you like to look at it? Can you meet me back here at nine o'clock? :'''Karen''': Sure! :'''Mike''': Okay. :'''Mr. Mathis''': Alright. See you in the driver's education room. :'''Ted''': See you later! :'''Karen''': Bye! :'''Servo [as a kid]''': Let's hurry home! [[w:The Purge (2013 film)|The purge]] starts tonight! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Mike runs a stop sign on his bike]'' :'''Ted''': I've got something to tell you that you'll probably see in the film tomorrow, but I think you need to know it now. :'''Servo [as Ted]''': Meryl's still got it. :'''Ted''': Every time you come to a stop sign, you should always use the slow down, or stop hand signal. And then you should look being you to make sure that no cars are coming. Then look to the left, and always when it's a three-way intersection, look straight ahead to the right, to the left again, and then once it's clear, you can... :'''Emily [as Ted]''': Then [[w:Konami Code|up up, down down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start]], and you'll have unlimited bikes! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Karen, could you get the lights for me? :'''Crow [as Karen]''': Get a clapper, old man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': All vehicle drivers need good visual habits to drive skillfully. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Having eyes in general is a plus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everything you can see at one thing is called your field of view. :'''Crow''': Learning! :''[the camera pans to the left, losing focus on the road, and looking at a building with an ITW sign]'' :'''Narrator''': Look what happens to your field of view when you turn your head. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': You can see International Towel World. :'''Narrator''': Every time you switch your line of sight, your entire field of view changes. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Scientists call this, "looking." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Check ahead in the intersection for traffic. Check to the left, and to the right... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Then [[w:Cha Cha Slide|cha cha slide]]. :'''Narrator''': Then put your hand back on the handlebar, and check behind again to make sure it's clear before you turn. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Repeat this process 27 times, then turn the stove on and off 44 times so you ''know'' your mom won't die. <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Baseball Player''': Who do you think's gonna pitch today? I hope it's not McCalvey! :''[as the young baseball player on his bike runs a stop sign, a car honks, resulting in a freeze frame on the boy's surprised face]'' :'''Servo [as the kid]''': Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here... :''[the next scene shows the player on a street in bandages, about to be put on a stretcher]'' :'''Crow''': Final line, McCalvey went eight innings, gave up two runs on six hits, four walks, and one ceremonial pitch. :'''Emily''': He died how he played baseball: trouble with the curve. :... :'''Servo''': ''[as the ambulance takes the boy away]'' And the moral of the story is, baseball isn't worth it. :'''Paramedic''': Alright, let's move back out of the street. :'''Crow [as paramedic]''': Alright, move along so we can finish this Larry Byrd photo shoot for Pontiac. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Search the ground for changing road surfaces. Your bicycle reacts differently to each one. Loose gravel is slippery. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And pairs well with Merlot. :'''Narrator''': Bricks are bumpy. :'''Emily''': These are the weirdest affirmations. :'''Narrator''': Adjust your speed to each surface to keep your bicycle under control. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Unlike that hot Irish temper of yours, Kellen. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the short begins to roll credits to happy music]'' :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w: Don't You Forget About Me (song)|Don't you... forget about me...]] ''[she [[w:The Breakfast Club|raises a fist]] in the air]'' :'''Crow''': I remember [[w:Jules and Jim|Jules et Jim]] being longer. :'''Emily''': Yeah, Beverly J. Ruff was definitely not three dogs in a trench coat. :'''Servo''': Ironically, I had to unfriend John L. Friend. :'''Crow''': Richard B Long, Jeffrey B. Light, and I be done with this movie. === The Bicycle Driver === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Synthia''': Oh, in the ''Driver'' trilogy, this falls between ''[[w:Baby Driver|Baby]]'' and ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl [as adult driver]''': ''[as a group of kids leave a Driver's Education vehicle]'' Okay, this time you kids buy beer for ''me''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': I've been asked to introduce this film, because I really am the advisor to a junior high bike club, and I really do teach traffic safety education full-time. :'''Mega-Synthia''': Prove it! :'''Driver''': So I see the safety education problem from both viewpoints. :'''Synthia [as the driver]''': I'm conflicted. :'''Driver''': Bicycles and autos can safely share the same road... :'''Pearl [as driver]''': This bloody century long war must end! :'''Driver''': ... must know and follow the same rules of the road, accept the same driving responsibility, and respect each other's rights. That's what this film is all about. :'''Mega-Synthia [as driver]''': That, and corn shucking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police officer pulls over a bicycle driver]'' :'''Synthia''': Uh, we got a local yokel smokey in hot-pursuit of a hooligan, hot-doggin' it in Calhoun County. :'''Police Officer''': May I see your operator's license today, sir? :'''Bicycle Driver''': License? Since when do I have to have a license to drive a bicycle? :'''Police Officer''': Well it's not required that you have an operator's license, but I do need some form of identification. :'''Mega-Synthia [as bicyclist]''': My grandkids drew this, and wrote pop-pop on it. Does that work? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a mother and her son shop at a bike store]'' :'''Mother''': Jim, can you guarantee me you're not gonna ride this bike at night? :'''Pearl [as Jim]''': I can't even guarantee you I won't sell this for cigarettes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jim sits on numerous bicycles]'' :'''Synthia''': On your birthday, you get to [[w:teabagging|teabag]] every bike in the shop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Hey Jim, what are you doing? :'''Jim''': Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals. :'''Synthia''' You'll go blind! <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': During a left turn at rush hour, he takes to the sidewalk, riding if it's legal, pushing if it's not. :'''Pearl''': Ditching it if it cramps his style. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a group of bicyclists ride past a herd of cattle]'' :'''Synthia [as a cow]''': I think one of those bike seats is my brother. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road? :'''Synthia [as Jim]''': Kill, or be killed. :'''Jim''': To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads. :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Why should you follow the rules of the road? :'''Jim''': Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to. :'''Driver''': Oh, you mean we ''always'' follow the rules of the road? :'''Bicyclists''': We try, but it isn't easy! :'''Pearl, Synthia, and Mega-Synthia''': And when it's too hard, we give up! === Let's Keep Food Safe to Eat === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Servo''': Yes, keep guns away from food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon. :'''Servo''': Oops! She's fired. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as the family gathers around the breakfast table]'' Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Back from his other family. :'''Narrator''': Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': But the eggs look worse. :'''Narrator''': ''[as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces]'' But it doesn't taste right. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And Cathy's missing three fingers! :'''Narrator''': So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled. :'''Crow''': Right, Cathy? :'''Narrator''': Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or simply by asking them. :'''Narrator''': You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Mother]''': Cathy, did you wash your fingers ''before'' we cooked them? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off? :'''Servo''': It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well. :'''Crow''': Preferably, 'til bloody. :'''Narrator''': Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over. :'''Servo''': Where have those wrists been? :'''Emily''': You don't wanna know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a covered sliced cake is shown]'' :'''Servo''': It's quarantined [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]! :''[a knife starts to cut another slice of the cake]'' :'''Emily''': No, Pac-Man! ''[Imitates the Pac-Man death sound]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': Plus, it'll kill all four turtles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sally has a sandwich from yesterday. :'''Servo [as Sally]''': See? No funny business. :'''Narrator''': Cathy would love it, but if it's been out of the refrigerator for so long, it may be spoiled. ''[Cathy declines the sandwich]'' That's right, Cathy. Don't eat things if you don't know for sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Say no to leftovers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Suppose you drop a cookie on the floor. :'''Servo''': Five second rule? :'''Narrator''': Things that are dropped, you know, should be washed before eating, but how can you wash a cookie? :'''Emily''': That's what spit's for! :'''Narrator''': Well, he'll just have to throw it out. :'''Crow''': And burn the evidence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Alright everyone, smoke 'em of you got 'em. In the next film, we cover tick bites. === [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B. Natural]] (2023) === :'''Max''' Ugh, Mr. B Natural. There's no way out, Kinga! We can't control when the movies begin or end! :'''Kinga''': Uh, well... j- just sit down. Maybe it won't be so bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Phil Patton's directing credit is shown]'' :'''Kinga''': Phil Patton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book! :'''Max''': I just love the name Patton. So strong and... and viral! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Mr. B Natural, at your service. The spirit of music, that's me! The spirit of fun in music. And I've been around an awful long time. Knew your father, I did. And your grandmother. And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam. :'''Kinga''': She's the devil? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Why, you should know me. The spirit of music's inside all of you. In you... :'''Max''': Peaches. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... :'''Kinga''': Herb... :'''Mr. B Natural''': In all of you! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Where your soul used to be! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': I usually hang around on this music staff, but when I get a message for help, I go off to appear before people! Especially young people, when I think I can do 'em some good. :'''Max''': Uh oh, hold on... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jeanie''': Honest, these records are the greatest. :'''Kinga [as Jeanie]''': What's [[w:N.W.A.|N.W.A.]] mean? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural appears out of Buzz Turner's locker]'' :'''Max''': You can't be within a thousand feet of a school, Mr. B Natural! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz Turner''': Mr. B what? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Natural! Shouldn't be surprised, boy. Whether you know it, or not, you sent for me. When you reached for that music over there to make you feel better, I got your message. You awakened me! :'''Max''': Damn! :'''Buzz Turner''': You mean you've been hiding here in my room all that time, and I never even noticed? :'''Mr. B Natural''': No boy, I don't mean that! I mean, you awaken the spirit of music inside you! That's me! Your spirit of music! That's my name, boy! B Natural! :'''Kinga''': This is so complicated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Look here, I've been visiting an eight-year-old friend of mine who woke me up recently. :'''Kinga''': Huh? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Talked him into playing the French horn, I did. You should hear him! ''[imitates a French horn and laughs]'' :'''Max''': Oh, watch your back, [[w: Reggie Watts|Reggie Watts]]. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Because he wanted to. He wanted the fun of it. That's why he can play that piece so easy! Wait 'til he grows up and finds out how hard it is. ''[laughs]'' :'''Kinga [as Mr. B Natural]''': Ha ha ha, then he'll die! :'''Mr. B Natural''': It's because he's young. He's not afraid. :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': He's foolish! Hee hee hee ha ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural does a "dignified" march to a French horn tune]'' :'''Kinga''': Nothing sparks self esteem like a North Korean military march. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You like music? :'''Buzz Turner''': Sure sounds like fun, and I'd like to have some of it too! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Yeah, first taste is free, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': Years of know-how make the best instrument. If that craftsman stops spinning that sousaphone bell for a second... :'''Kinga [as salesman]''': He receives an electric shock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': The best instruments are uniform. Every one is exactly like every other of the same kind. :'''Max [as salesman]''': Like white people in the suburbs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz receives his trumpet]'' :'''Max [as Buzz]''': I'm gonna join [[w:Reel Big Fish|Reel Big Fish]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz takes a trumpet solo at the dance]'' :'''Kinga''': Hey [[w: Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy]], it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Gillespie? [[w: Back to the Future (film)|You know that new sound you been looking for? Well listen to this!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural flashes the okay sign]'' :'''Kinga and Max''': It stinks! === Better Breakfasts, U.S.A. === :'''Narrator''': Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel. :'''Emily''': Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets! :'''Narrator''': ... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ''[shot five cards on screen]'' They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV. :'''Narrator''': ... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And ends with malt liquor. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains. :'''Emily''': I mean, they're fine... :'''Narrator''': Barley... :'''Servo''': ''Barely.'' :'''Narrator''': Corn... :'''Crow''': Which is better on the cob. :'''Narrator''': Oats... :'''Emily''': Worthless without [[w:Hall & Oates|Hall]]. :'''Narrator''': Rice... :'''Servo''': The pigeon exploder. :'''Narrator''': And wheat, or combinations of them. :'''Crow''': Call me when you got sorghum. :'''Narrator''': The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': And it's ''not'' a conflict of interest at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There are many different kinds of wheat... :'''Crow''': Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat... :'''Narrator''': And it is raised in a wide area. :'''Emily''': Eat too much wheat, and you'll ''have'' a wide area. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Cereals are flaked... :'''Emily''': Folded... :'''Narrator''': Granulated... :'''Servo''': Spindled... :'''Narrator''': Puffed... :'''Crow''': Mutilated... :'''Narrator''': Shredded... :'''Emily''': Humiliated... :'''Narrator''': And rolled. :'''Servo''': And thrown away! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide. :'''Servo''': Government can't tell me not to eat batteries! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, ''Better Breakfasts, USA''. :'''Crow''': It was immediately canceled. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': No Black History Month, but they learned about grain. === Doing Things for Ourselves in School === == Specials == === Mystery Science Theater Hour Host Segments === ==== Cave Dwellers ==== ==== Gamera ==== ==== Pod People ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, often people stop me on the street and they ask, "What's it really like? This world of Deep 13?" Well, rather than go on and on, taking advantage of my privileged position as confidant to these two enigmatic dilettantes, I ask simply in return, "Have you seen ''Pod People''?" And now you'll be able to say "Yes, I have seen ''Pod People''." From plotting, to characterization, to cinematography, not to mention the unbelievable use of fog and syntho-rock, this is what you can expect from Deep 13 and the Mystery Science Theater Hour. Enjoy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''Pod People'' was made right on the heels of that enchanting blockbuster, ''[[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T.]]'', which grossed over half a billion dollars worldwide. ''Pod People'' didn't do nearly as well, in fact it didn't even do nearly as well as ''[[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]]''. Oh well. ==== Time of the Apes ==== ==== Daddy-O ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Today's movie is called ''Daddy-O'', a real gem, starring singer [[w:Dick Contino|Dick Contino]], who is still packing them in in Las Vegas. As aged as this film is, it still looks surprisingly "hip" or "modern" — a strong testament to the care that went into every frame. I'm afraid some of the hipper lingo is lost on these aging ears, but no matter. I'm betting Crow, Servo, Gypsy, and Joel can take the heat of ''Daddy-O''. So turn it all the way up to eleven, and let's rock this mother! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, I can't help but admit a certain fondness for the swinging happy days. It takes me back my tattered leather jacket and pompadour. I eagerly and frequently traded knuckle sandwiches with the best minds of my generation. I, too, howled. ''Awoo!'' ==== The Amazing Colossal Man ==== ==== Fugitive Alien ==== ==== It Conquered the World ==== ==== Gamera vs. Guiron ==== ==== Earth vs. the Spider ==== ==== Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent ==== ==== War of the Colossal Beast ==== ==== The Unearthly ==== ==== Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Christmas depresses millions, but I must admit, I sky during the holidays, and when I see some slump-shouldered gloomy-gus walking forlornly through the festooned mall area of my home town, I wanna shake him and shout, "Suck it up! What have you got to be sorry for?!" ... but I resist. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Did you know the delightful "Hooray for Santa Claus" theme song was released as a single? And that ''Santa Claus Conquers'' was also released as a [[w:Dell Comics|Dell comic book]]? Well, as those charming stand-up comedians say, "Give me more of that!" ==== Space Travelers ==== ==== The Giant Gila Monster ==== ==== Teenagers from Outer Space ==== ==== Hercules Unchained ==== ==== Hercules Against the Moon Men ==== ==== The Magic Sword ==== ==== Tormented ==== ==== The Beatniks ==== ==== Crash of Moons ==== ==== Attack of the the Eye Creatures ==== ==== The Human Duplicators ==== ==== The Day the Earth Froze ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[holding a fairytale book]'' Hello, dear friends. I was just reading a delightful Swedish fairytale based, oddly enough on the supergroup, [[w:ABBA|ABBA]]. Hmm... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Welcome back, dear viewers, to the conclusion of ''The Day the Earth Froze'' on the Mystery Science Theater Hour. I can't wait to get started, but first let's take a look at what happened in part one. The beautiful ornithologist Annikki is wooed by Übermensch Lemminkäinen, ace log rider. Meanwhile, the evil witch of the mountain kidnapped Annikki to coerce Annikki's brother into making a Sampo, a coveted, yet delightfully vague prize. Annikki's brother and Lemminkäinen rush to rescue the maiden. I can't wait to get started, I confess, I'm rather taken by that ''fetching'' Swedish hotcake of a witch. ''[laughs]'' Part two of ''The Day the Earth Froze''. ''Grrr!'' ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[imitating Torgo]'' "The Master is always here." "The Master will not like it." ''[laughs]'' Boy, that Master's got a lot to learn about the hospitality business, doesn't he? I mean that is a ''weird'' hotel! By the by, manos is actually Spanish for "hands," so today's film is Hands: the Hands of Fate. Isn't that sneaky? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': I hate to say it, but there was one thing about this movie that to me, didn't make much sense. That father seemed like an intelligent fellow, but ''my gosh'' he did a terrible job planning that vacation! One hard lesson I've learned is that you've got to plan every step of every day, and that only goes double when you're traveling! It just makes my skin crawl to see a vacation ruined by bad planning! So if you can, join us next time on the Mystery Science Theater Hour, but ''please'' be careful. ==== Secret Agent Super Dragon ==== ==== The Magic Voyage of Sinbad ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Now I must warn you, the Sinbad in today's film is not quite the swarthy adventurer of yore, he resembles my Uncle Phil — A slim whiskery fellow who manages a tobacco store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[juggling and wearing a clown headdress]'' Bonswa, dear friends. I, too, dreamed of the circus as an escape from my stifling home life. I still grow nostalgic at the smell of grease paint, and elephant hair, and... oh I do so long to punch a clown. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey, regarding the catfish we saw nuzzling Poseidon, isn't the catfish a freshwater creature? By the way, if you're looking for a great catfish bait, take a big gob of liver sausage and mix it all up with a couple of dozen of those big juicy nightcrawlers. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. ==== I Accuse My Parents ==== === Turkey Day '91 === :'''Crow''': Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester watches the Thanksgiving Day Parade]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, yeah, right. :'''TV's Frank''': So, how's the parade going? What did I miss? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen. :'''TV's Frank''': Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes it is. ''[pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion]'' Die, boy, die! :'''TV's Frank''': [[w:Hindenburg disaster|Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!!]] ''[sobbing]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching ''E.T.'' Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called ''Pod People.'' :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner. :'''Jack Perkins''': If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from [[w:Dylan Thomas|Dylan Thomas's]] enchanting work titled ''[[w:A Child's Christmas in Wales|A Child's Christmas in Wales]].'' :'''TV's Frank''': Ooh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. ''[everyone else leaves the room]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'', or ''E.T.: the Extraterrestrial'', make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[drunk and wandering over to the camera]'' Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- ''[Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod]'' AAAGH! :'''TV's Frank''': Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, get rid of him, or I will. <hr width=50%/> :'''TV's Frank''': So, how'd the experiment go? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Fine, Frank. Just fine. :'''TV's Frank''': You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[sighs]'' It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I just don't know, I don't know what I did! :'''TV's Frank''': Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. ''[offers an apple]'' Want some? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[slaps the apple away]'' I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! ''Daddy-O''! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! ''Daddy-O''! <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Forrester sits downtrodden after the marathon concludes]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Come on, Papa, eat. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right? :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you. :'''TV's Frank''': Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Start running, Frank. :'''TV's Frank''': Yes sir. === Turkey Day '92 === :'''Crow''': If you're taping, this is a good time to pause! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Beats the hell out of mincemeat, don't it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': It's the "Lost Continent" on Turkey Day Marathon here at Comedy Central. It's getting late, you may want a blanket and a nice cup of cocoa. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Now might be a good time to check on your mom. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. You know, cleaning up isn't just a girl's job! === The Dead Talk Back/Comedy Central Broadcast's Zombie Nightmare Promo === :'''Gypsy''': I've been asked my colleagues Crow. T Robot, Tom Servo, and Mike to let you know that this week on Mystery Science Theater 300 at 7:00 PM at Comedy Central on Saturday, our movie will be "Zombie Nightmare". That's 7 PM on Comedy Central this Saturday. === Turkey Day '95 === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! ''[answers the door]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester. :'''Dr. Forrester''': PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?! :'''Jack Perkins''': Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a ''crisp'' and ''elegant'' eggshell- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Would you just give me this?! ''[takes the invitation away]'' "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" '''FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!!''' ''[begins sobbing]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles... :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by [[w:Burt Wolf|Burt Wolf]], just about the ''finest'' shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to [[w:Piggly Wiggly|Piggly Wiggly]], and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie? :'''Jack Perkins''': Why of course. ''[Dr. Forrester runs off]'' Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-''[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again]'' Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. ''[laughs]'' So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, ''The Crawling Hand''- Ahhh! Enjoy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[with an armful of groceries]'' Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. ''[Mr. B Natural suddenly appears]'' Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?! :'''Mr. B Natural''': I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Is it money you want? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation! :'''Mr. B Natural''': Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Well that will make me feel like a happy king! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh boy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA- :'''Jack Perkins''': Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great [[w:Jacques Pépin|Jacques Pépin]] as we were mushrooming and- ''[is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. ''[Pitch suddenly appears]'' :'''Pitch''': Hi! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, go away! :'''Pitch''': Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things- :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' Hi! Would you like to be a happy king? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house! :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey! :'''Dr. Forrester''': A joke, Perkins. A joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. [[w:Sympathy for the Devil|Won't you guess my name?]] ''[he and Pitch laugh]'' But what's puzzling me... :'''Pitch''': The nature of my game! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! ''[answers the door]'' And you would be... :'''Kitten with the Whip''': ''[enters holding a litterbox]'' Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... ''[coughs up a hairball]'' For you. And where should I put this? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! ''[Mr. B Natural walks by]'' Although I uh... could be persuaded. :'''Dr. Forrester''': She's a guy. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Aw... <hr width=50%/> :''[as a heavily intoxicated Jack Perkins and Mr. B Natural talk]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': I like you. You're funny. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Yep, Well um, I'm gonna go and do that thing I was- :'''Jack Perkins''': Mr. B Natural, ''God'' I can't believe you're a guy. :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[nervously]'' Yep! Every bit of me, all man! :'''Jack Perkins''': Well then, so be it! I guess I'm just gonna have to trust my instincts on this one. Sir, allow me to kiss you. ''[kisses Mr. B Natural, much to the other's horror]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester distributes beer to the guests while they swing a song Jack Perkins plays on the piano]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here- :'''Pearl''': Where's Frank? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, Frank is not here, mother. :'''Pearl''': Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... ''[fixes her hair]'' Jack has never looked better. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Happy Thanksgiving, mother. :'''Pearl''': Yeah, sure. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom. :'''Pearl''': That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! ''[pushes past Dr. Forrester]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you. :'''Mike''': We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me. :'''Pearl''': So what is this, ''[[w:Star Trek: Voyager|Star Trek: Voyager]]'' or something? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a- :'''Pearl''': Art? Is that you? :'''Crow''': Why Pearl, how good to see you! :'''Pearl''': Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long. :'''Crow''': Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off! :'''Pearl''': Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn. :'''Crow''': Yup. Pretty much run the place. ''[Servo clears his throat]'' Oh, these are the guys who work for me. === MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special === :''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]'' :'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! :''[cut back to Servo & Crow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!''''' === MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === '''Crow''': Mike, stop yellin' and shootin' and killin', you woke me up. ==== The Fifth Element ==== :'''Crow''': ''[not understanding]'' Oh, the fifth element! Maybe it's a movie about [[w:Boron|boron]]? :'''Tom''': Oh I don't know, I only look at that chart ''[[w:Periodic table|periodically]]''! He he! ==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ==== :'''Mike''': So what's the story in this movie? :'''Crow''': Mike, the real story is the signature [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch. :'''Tom''': ''[Excited]'' Oh I know I will! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! === MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === :'''Crow''': Our first movie is based on a [[w:The X-Files|television show]], which is a [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|ridiculous notion to begin with]]. ==== X-Files: Fight the Future ==== :''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]! :'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents! :'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes? :'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man. ==== Ever After ==== :'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]! : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]]. : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]'' :'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine. ==== Halloween: H2O ==== :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. ==== The Truman Show ==== :''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]'' :'''Truman''': Would you wanna— :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No. :'''Truman''': Maybe possibly— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Sometime— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday? :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''! :'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't. :'''Truman''': Saturday? :'''Lauren''': I can't. :'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? :''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent. ==== Saving Private Ryan ==== :'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir. :'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training? :'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant. ==== Godzilla (1998) ==== :'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us? :''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming an iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]'' :'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''." === MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special === ==== As Good As It Gets ==== :''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]'' :'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]'' :'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"? ==== Good Will Hunting ==== :'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! :'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! === Assignment: Venezuela (short) === ::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.'' :''[On title screen]'' :'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]'' :'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— :''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal. : . . . :''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]'' :'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too! :'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]'' :'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long. :'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow. :'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water. :. . . :''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]'' :'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]'' :'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]'' :'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called ''[[w:Vietnam War#Vietnamization, 1969–1972|Venezuelalization]].'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something. === MST3K Live Social Distancing Riff-Along Special (2020) === ==== Moon Zero Two ==== ==== Circus Day (Short) ==== :'''Clown''': Welcome to clown alley... :'''GPC 2 [as the clown]''': Give me your wallet! :'''Clown''': This is where I get ready for the big show. :'''Servo [as the clown]''': That's what I call your nightmares. The big show. === Turkey Day 2020 === ==== Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket (short) ==== :'''Servo''': Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket: the story they didn't want us to tell. Filmed in cementascope. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': I'm the manager of the supermarket... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': And also the town undertaker. :'''Narrator''': ... and this is my son, Johnny. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': It's his birthday, and he gets to spend two hours in the candy aisle. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A supermarket is like many little markets or departments all brought together into one big building. Each department sells a different kind of food. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Putting all the smaller family owned markets out of business, thus ensuring that capitalism continues its nonstop roll toward oblivion. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny and the manager open a rear bay door]'' :'''Emily [as the manager]''': That's the sun, Johnny. It's our friend. It keeps the zombies at bay. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny helps unload a truck]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, how is this going to help us find my sister? :'''Servo''': Ooh, sad... <hr width=50%/> :''[during a shot of a storage shelf]'' :'''Servo''': Hmm, I see beef stew, ravioli, Star Kist tuna, surplus DVDs of ''[[w:Jerry Maguire|Jerry Maguire]]'', they've got it all! <hr width=50%/> :''[as a butcher pushes hanging meat into a refrigerated room]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, is this legal? :'''Servo [as the manager]''': Come on in, Johnny. I'd like you to meet my good friend, [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this room, packages of meat are made ready for selling. Since food must be kept very clean, the packages are carefully wrapped and labeled. They're covered with cellophane, and then sealed with a hot iron. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And a fresh slice of provolone. :'''Crow''': You know, this is how Coldstone Creamery got started. They just reversed the process. :'''Narrator''': Each package is weighed, and the weight and price are marked on the label. :'''Servo''': ''[as a butcher writes on a label]'' "Help, I'm being held captive in Mayfair Market." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, I check on some signs needed for tomorrow's sale. :'''Crow [as the manager]''': Have you seen my son? :'''Narrator''': I tell my sign maker what the sale price will be. The signs will be used in the windows of the market. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': I linger a bit longer to take in the smell of benzene. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': This is my secretary... :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': ''Mom???'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Now Johnny, how would you like to open the market? Just push this buzzer... :''[Johnny presses the buzzer]'' :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ...and the bees will be released! ''[evil laugh]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': This work is all performed by silent robots. :'''Emily''': Hmmm, must be nice. :'''Crow and Servo''': Hey! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny and his mother have completed and paid for their shopping. Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things go on behind the scenes at a supermarket. :'''Crow''': Guys, I cannot ''wait'' for the next installment where they get bought out by a [[w:Trader Joe's|Trader Joe's]]. :'''Emily''': Ooooh... pumpkin spice. == Major cast == * [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] – [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989–1993) (1999) (2022)/Joel Hodgson (1988) * [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] – [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988–1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988) * [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] – [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988–1996, Turkey Day 2014) * [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] – Tom Servo (1990–1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997–1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988) * [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] – Gypsy (1989–1997) * [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] – [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990–1995) * [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] – [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993–1999)/[[w:Jack Perkins|Jack Perkins]] (recurring) * [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] – [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1994) (1996–1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992–1994) * [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] – Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997–1999) * [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] – Gypsy (1997–1999) * [[w:Jonah Ray|Jonah Ray]] – [[w:Jonah Heston|Jonah Heston]] (2017–2018) * [[w:Baron Vaughn|Baron Vaughn]] – Tom Servo (2017–2018) * [[w:Hampton Yount|Hampton Yount]] – Crow T. Robot (2017–2018) * [[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] – Kinga Forrester (2017–2018) * [[Patton Oswalt]] – Max, TV’s Son of TV’s Frank (2017–2018) * Rebecca Hanson – Gypsy/Synthia Forrester (2017–2022) * Emily Marsh – Emily Connor, (2022) * Kelsey Ann Brady – [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]] (2022) == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}} * {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}} * {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}} * [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site * [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Comedy Central shows]] [[Category:Syfy shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] [[Category:1990s American comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1980s American comedy TV shows]] s2sleq0l8egq64e8z3ddugosyqtoahg 3954146 3954134 2026-06-18T13:50:25Z ~2026-35686-34 3343324 /* Attack of the Giant Leeches */ 3954146 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} __NOTOC__ '''''{{w|Mystery Science Theater 3000}}''''' (1988–1999; 2017–2018; 2022–) is an American TV show that mocks bad movies by [[wikt:riff|riff]]ing on their strange characters, absurd settings, and silly plot twists, interspersing [[wikt:erudite|erudite]] cultural [[wikt:quip|quip]]s with schoolboy jokes and general zaniness. There are 230 movies, 73 shorts, and 4 specials in the ''MST3K'' [[wikt:canon|canon]]. (See [[#Notes|Notes]] below for help on using this page.) <!-- START TABLE OF CONTENTS --> {| border=1 align=center style="text-align:center;" ! bgcolor=#3F3 | [[#Season 0|<span title="Season 0">KTMA</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Green Slime|<span title="The Green Slime">00</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Invaders from the Deep|<span title="Invaders from the Deep">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars|<span title="Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera|<span title="Gamera">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Phase IV|<span title="Phase IV">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Cosmic Princess|<span title="Cosmic Princess">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Humanoid Woman|<span title="Humanoid Woman">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Fugitive Alien|<span title="Fugitive Alien">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#SST: Death Flight|<span title="SST: Death Flight">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Mighty Jack|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Superdome|<span title="Superdome">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#City on Fire|<span title="City on Fire">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Time of the Apes|<span title="Time of the Apes">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#Hangar 18|<span title="Hangar 18">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The Last Chase|<span title="The Last Chase">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#5F5 | [[#The "Legend of Dinosaurs"|<span title="The "Legend of Dinosaurs"">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#6C9 | [[#Season 1|<span title="Season 1">S1</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Eye|<span title="The Crawling Eye">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|<span title="The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Mad Monster|<span title="The Mad Monster">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Women of the Prehistoric Planet|<span title="Women of the Prehistoric Planet">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Corpse Vanishes|<span title="The Corpse Vanishes">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Crawling Hand|<span title="The Crawling Hand">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Monster|<span title="Robot Monster">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Slime People|<span title="The Slime People">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Project Moon Base|<span title="Project Moon Base">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Robot Holocaust|<span title="Robot Holocaust">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Moon Zero Two|<span title="Moon Zero Two">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#Untamed Youth|<span title="Untamed Youth">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#8EB | [[#The Black Scorpion|<span title="The Black Scorpion">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 2|<span title="Season 2">S2</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocketship X-M|<span title="Rocketship X-M">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Sidehackers|<span title="The Sidehackers">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Jungle Goddess|<span title="Jungle Goddess">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Catalina Caper|<span title="Catalina Caper">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Rocket Attack U.S.A.|<span title="Rocket Attack U.S.A.">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Ring of Terror|<span title="Ring of Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Wild Rebels|<span title="Wild Rebels">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Lost Continent|<span title="Lost Continent">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Hellcats|<span title="The Hellcats">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#King Dinosaur|<span title="King Dinosaur">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#First Spaceship on Venus|<span title="First Spaceship on Venus">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. Megalon|<span title="Godzilla vs. Megalon">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster|<span title="Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 3|<span title="Season 3">S3</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Cave Dwellers|<span title="Cave Dwellers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera_2|<span title="Gamera">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Pod People|<span title="Pod People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Barugon_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Barugon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Stranded in Space|<span title="Stranded in Space">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Time of the Apes_2|<span title="Time of the Apes">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Daddy-O|<span title="Daddy-O">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Gaos_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Gaos">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Amazing Colossal Man|<span title="The Amazing Colossal Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fugitive Alien_2|<span title="Fugitive Alien">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#It Conquered the World|<span title="It Conquered the World">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Guiron_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Guiron">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Earth vs. the Spider|<span title="Earth vs. the Spider">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mighty Jack_2|<span title="Mighty Jack">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenage Caveman|<span title="Teenage Caveman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gamera vs. Zigra_2|<span title="Gamera vs. Zigra">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|<span title="The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Star Force: Fugitive Alien II_2|<span title="Star Force: Fugitive Alien II">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#War of the Colossal Beast|<span title="War of the Colossal Beast">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Unearthly|<span title="The Unearthly">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|<span title="Santa Claus Conquers the Martians">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja I|<span title="Master Ninja I">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Castle of Fu Manchu|<span title="The Castle of Fu Manchu">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Master Ninja II|<span title="Master Ninja II">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 4|<span title="Season 4">S4</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Space Travelers|<span title="Space Travelers">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Giant Gila Monster|<span title="The Giant Gila Monster">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#City Limits|<span title="City Limits">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Teenagers from Outer Space|<span title="Teenagers from Outer Space">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Being from Another Planet|<span title="Being from Another Planet">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the Giant Leeches|<span title="Attack of the Giant Leeches">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Killer Shrews|<span title="The Killer Shrews">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Unchained|<span title="Hercules Unchained">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Indestructible Man|<span title="Indestructible Man">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules Against the Moon Men|<span title="Hercules Against the Moon Men">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Sword|<span title="The Magic Sword">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules and the Captive Women|<span title="Hercules and the Captive Women">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manhunt in Space|<span title="Manhunt in Space">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Tormented|<span title="Tormented">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Beatniks|<span title="The Beatniks">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Fire Maidens of Outer Space|<span title="Fire Maidens of Outer Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Crash of Moons|<span title="Crash of Moons">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Attack of the the Eye Creatures|<span title="Attack of the the Eye Creatures">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Rebel Set|<span title="The Rebel Set">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Human Duplicators|<span title="The Human Duplicators">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Monster a-Go-Go|<span title="Monster a-Go Go">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Day the Earth Froze|<span title="The Day the Earth Froze">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Bride of the Monster|<span title="Bride of the Monster">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Manos: The Hands of Fate|<span title="Manos: The Hands of Fate">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#CCF | [[#Season 5|<span title="Season 5">S5</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Warrior of the Lost World|<span title="Warrior of the Lost World">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Hercules|<span title="Hercules">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Swamp Diamonds|<span title="Swamp Diamonds">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Secret Agent Super Dragon|<span title="Secret Agent Super Dragon">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Magic Voyage of Sinbad|<span title="The Magic Voyage of Sinbad">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Eegah!|<span title="Eegah!">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#I Accuse My Parents|<span title="I Accuse My Parents">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Operation Double 007|<span title="Operation Double 007">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Girl in Lovers Lane|<span title="The Girl in Lovers Lane">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#The Painted Hills|<span title="The Painted Hills">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Gunslinger|<span title="Gunslinger">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDF | [[#Mitchell|<span title="Mitchell">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Brain That Wouldn't Die|<span title="The Brain That Wouldn't Die">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Strangler|<span title="Teen-Age Strangler">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Wild Wild World of Batwoman|<span title="The Wild Wild World of Batwoman">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Alien from L.A.|<span title="Alien from L.A.">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Beginning of the End|<span title="Beginning of the End">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Atomic Brain|<span title="The Atomic Brain">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Outlaw|<span title="Outlaw">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Radar Secret Service|<span title="Radar Secret Service">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Santa Claus|<span title="Santa Claus">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Teen-Age Crime Wave|<span title="Teen-Age Crime Wave">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Village of the Giants|<span title="Village of the Giants">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#12 to the Moon|<span title="12 to the Moon">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#FF9900 | [[#Season 6|<span title="Season 6">S6</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Girls Town|<span title="Girls Town">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Invasion U.S.A.|<span title="Invasion U.S.A.">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Dead Talk Back|<span title="The Dead Talk Back">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Zombie Nightmare|<span title="Zombie Nightmare">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Colossus and the Headhunters|<span title="Colossus and the Headhunters">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Creeping Terror|<span title="The Creeping Terror">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Bloodlust!|<span title="Bloodlust!">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Code Name: Diamond Head|<span title="Code Name: Diamond Head">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Skydivers|<span title="The Skydivers">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Violent Years|<span title="The Violent Years">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Last of the Wild Horses|<span title="Last of the Wild Horses">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Starfighters|<span title="The Starfighters">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sinister Urge|<span title="The Sinister Urge">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#San Francisco International|<span title="San Francisco International">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Kitten with a Whip|<span title="Kitten with a Whip">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Racket Girls|<span title="Racket Girls">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Sword and the Dragon|<span title="The Sword and the Dragon">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#High School Big Shot|<span title="High School Big Shot">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Red Zone Cuba|<span title="Red Zone Cuba">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Danger!! Death Ray|<span title="Danger!! Death Ray">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Beast of Yucca Flats|<span title="The Beast of Yucca Flats">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Angels Revenge|<span title="Angels Revenge">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#The Amazing Transparent Man|<span title="The Amazing Transparent Man">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#FB2 | [[#Samson vs. the Vampire Women|<span title="Samson vs. the Vampire Women">24</span>]] |- ! bgcolor=#F69 | [[#Season 7|<span title="Season 7">S7</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Night of the Blood Beast|<span title="Night of the Blood Beast">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Brute Man|<span title="The Brute Man">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|<span title="Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#The Incredible Melting Man|<span title="The Incredible Melting Man">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Escape 2000|<span title="Escape 2000">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#F8B | [[#Laserblast|<span title="Laserblast">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#F69 colspan=11 | [[#Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (This Island Earth)|<span title="Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie">MST3K: The Movie (This Island Earth)</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=5 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 8|<span title="Season 8">S8</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Revenge of the Creature|<span title="Revenge of the Creature">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Leech Woman|<span title="The Leech Woman">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Mole People|<span title="The Mole People">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Mantis|<span title="The Deadly Mantis">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Thing That Couldn't Die|<span title="The Thing That Couldn't Die">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Undead|<span title="The Undead">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Terror from the Year 5000|<span title="Terror from the Year 5000">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The She-Creature|<span title="The She-Creature">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#I Was a Teenage Werewolf|<span title="I Was a Teenage Werewolf">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Giant Spider Invasion|<span title="The Giant Spider Invasion">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#parts: the clonus horror|<span title="parts: the clonus horror">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|<span title="The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Jack Frost|<span title="Jack Frost">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Riding with Death|<span title="Riding with Death">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Agent for H.A.R.M.|<span title="Agent for H.A.R.M.">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Prince of Space|<span title="Prince of Space">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Horror of Party Beach|<span title="The Horror of Party Beach">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Doll|<span title="Devil Doll">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Invasion of the Neptune Men|<span title="Invasion of the Neptune Men">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Space Mutiny|<span title="Space Mutiny">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Time Chasers|<span title="Time Chasers">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|<span title="Overdrawn at the Memory Bank">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=2 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 9|<span title="Season 9">S9</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Projected Man|<span title="The Projected Man">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Phantom Planet|<span title="The Phantom Planet">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Pumaman|<span title="The Pumaman">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Werewolf|<span title="Werewolf">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Deadly Bees|<span title="The Deadly Bees">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Space Children|<span title="The Space Children">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hobgoblins|<span title="Hobgoblins">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Touch of Satan|<span title="The Touch of Satan">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Gorgo|<span title="Gorgo">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Final Sacrifice|<span title="The Final Sacrifice">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Devil Fish|<span title="Devil Fish">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#The Screaming Skull|<span title="The Screaming Skull">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Quest of the Delta Knights|<span title="Quest of the Delta Knights">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#C9F | [[#Season 10|<span title="Season 10">S10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Soultaker|<span title="Soultaker">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Girl in Gold Boots|<span title="Girl in Gold Boots">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|<span title="Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Future War|<span title="Future War">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Blood Waters of Dr. Z|<span title="Blood Waters of Dr. Z">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...|<span title="Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Track of the Moon Beast|<span title="Track of the Moon Beast">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Final Justice|<span title="Final Justice">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Hamlet|<span title="Hamlet">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#It Lives by Night|<span title="It Lives by Night">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Horrors of Spider Island|<span title="Horrors of Spider Island">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Squirm|<span title="Squirm">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EBF | [[#Diabolik|<span title="Diabolik">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 11: The Return|<span title="Season 11">S11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Reptilicus|<span title="Reptilicus">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Cry Wilderness|<span title="Cry Wilderness">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Time Travelers|<span title="The Time Travelers">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Avalanche|<span title="Avalanche">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Beast of Hollow Mountain|<span title="The Beast of Hollow Mountain">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Starcrash|<span title="Starcrash">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Land That Time Forgot|<span title="The Land That Time Forgot">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Loves of Hercules|<span title="The Loves of Hercules">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Yongary: Monster from the Deep|<span title="Yongary: Monster from the Deep">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|<span title="Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Carnival Magic|<span title="Carnival Magic">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|<span title="The Christmas That Almost Wasn't">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#At the Earth's Core|<span title="At the Earth's Core">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=10 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 12: The Gauntlet|<span title="Season 12: The Return">S12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Mac and Me|<span title="Mac and Me">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Atlantic Rim|<span title="Atlantic Rim">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Lords of the Deep|<span title="Lords of the Deep">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Day Time Ended|<span title="The Day Time Ended">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Killer Fish|<span title="Killer Fish">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Ator, the Fighting Eagle|<span title="Ator, the Fighting Eagle">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=18 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#4FF | [[#Season 13: The Gizmoplex|<span title="Season 13: The Gizmoplex">S13</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Santo in the Treasure of Dracula|<span title="Santo in the Treasure of Dracula">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Robot Wars|<span title="Robot Wars">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Beyond Atlantis|<span title="Beyond Atlantis">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Munchie|<span title="Munchie">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Doctor Mordrid|<span title="Doctor Mordrid">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Demon Squad|<span title="Demon Squad">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#Gamera vs. Jiger|<span title="#Gamera vs. Jiger">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Batwoman|<span title="The Batwoman">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Million Eyes of Sumuru|<span title="The Million Eyes of Sumuru">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come|<span title="HG Wells’ The Shape of Things to Come">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Mask 3D|<span title="The Mask 3D">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Bubble|<span title="The Bubble">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#80FFFF | [[#The Christmas Dragon|<span title="The Christmas Dragon">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=11 | &nbsp; |- ! rowspan=3 bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Alphabet Antics (short)|<span title="Alphabet Antics (short)">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Appreciating Our Parents (short)|<span title="Appreciating Our Parents (short)">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Aquatic Wizards (short)|<span title="Aquatic Wizards (short)">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)|<span title="Are You Ready for Marriage? (short)">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Assignment: Venezuela (short)|<span title="Assignment: Venezuela (short)">05</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Body Care and Grooming (short)|<span title="Body Care and Grooming (short)">06</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Case of Spring Fever (short)|<span title="A Case of Spring Fever (short)">07</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Catching Trouble (short)|<span title="Catching Trouble (short)">08</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Century 21 Calling (short)|<span title="Century 21 Calling (short)">09</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Cheating (short)|<span title="Cheating (short)">10</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)|<span title="The Chicken of Tomorrow (short)">11</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Circus on Ice (short)|<span title="Circus on Ice (short)">12</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Date with Your Family (short)|<span title="A Date with Your Family (short)">13</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Day at the Fair (short)|<span title="A Day at the Fair (short)">14</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Days of Our Years (short)|<span title="The Days of Our Years (short)">15</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Design for Dreaming (short)|<span title="Design for Dreaming (short)">16</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 1 (short)">17</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 2 (short)">18</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)|<span title="General Hospital, Installment 3 (short)">19</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Here Comes the Circus (short)|<span title="Here Comes the Circus (short)">20</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 1 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 1 (short)">21</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Hired! Part 2 (short)|<span title="Hired! Part 2 (short)">22</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Home Economics Story (short)|<span title="The Home Economics Story (short)">23</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Is This Love? (short)|<span title="Is This Love? (short)">24</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Johnny at the Fair (short)|<span title="Johnny at the Fair (short)">25</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)|<span title="Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short)">26</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Keeping Clean and Neat (short)|<span title="Keeping Clean and Neat (short)">27</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Last Clear Chance (short)|<span title="Last Clear Chance (short)">28</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Money Talks (short)|<span title="Money Talks (short)">29</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Mr. B Natural (short)|<span title="Mr. B Natural (short)">30</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)|<span title="Once Upon a Honeymoon (short)">31</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Out of This World (short)|<span title="Out of This World (short)">32</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 1 (short)">33</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 2 (short)">34</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="The Phantom Creeps, Chapter 3 (short)">35</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Posture Pals (short)|<span title="Posture Pals (short)">36</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Progress Island USA (short)|<span title="Progress Island USA (short)">37</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 1 (short)">38</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 2 (short)">39</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 3 (short)">40</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 4 (short)">41</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short)">42</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 6 (short)">43</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 7 (short)">44</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short)">45</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)|<span title="Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 9 (short)">46</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)|<span title="Robot Rumpus (A Gumby Adventure) (short)">47</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Selling Wizard (short)|<span title="The Selling Wizard (short)">48</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Snow Thrills (short)|<span title="Snow Thrills (short)">49</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)|<span title="Speech: Platform, Posture & Appearance (short)">50</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Speech: Using Your Voice (short)|<span title="Speech: Using Your Voice (short)">51</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#The Truck Farmer (short)|<span title="The Truck Farmer (short)">52</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short)|<span title="Uncle Jim&apos;s Dairy Farm (short)">53</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 1 (short)">54</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)|<span title="Undersea Kingdom, Chapter 2 (short)">55</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)|<span title="What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short)">56</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#What to Do on a Date (short)|<span title="What to Do on a Date (short)">57</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)|<span title="Why Study Industrial Arts? (short)">58</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#X Marks the Spot (short)|<span title="X Marks the Spot (short)">59</span>]] | bgcolor=#EF5 | [[#A Young Man's Fancy (short)|<span title="A Young Man&apos;s Fancy (short)">60</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 colspan=4 | &nbsp; |- ! bgcolor=#9C6 | [[#Specials|<span title="Specials">Spec</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special">01</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">02</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review|<span title="MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review">03</span>]] | bgcolor=#BE8 | [[#MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special|<span title="MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special">04</span>]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=5 | [[#Unknown episode|Unknown episode]] | bgcolor=#333 | &nbsp; | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=2 | [[#Notes|<span title="Notes">Notes</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#Major cast|<span title="Major cast">Major cast</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=3 | [[#See also|<span title="See also">See also</span>]] | bgcolor=#DDD colspan=4 | [[#External links|<span title="External links">External links</span>]] |} <!-- END TABLE OF CONTENTS --> == Notes == * '''How to use this page'''. You can browse these quotes by scrolling through the page, looking for a specific title using your browser's Find or Search feature, or click on a numbered link in the table of contents. As you pause your mouse over each box in the table, the title of the episode, short, or special will pop up in a [[w:tooltip|tooltip]]. (Some older browsers don't provide this feature or have it disabled, in which case you can still see the title as a URL in your browser's status bar.) * '''What kind of quotes to add'''. Much of the humor in ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'' comes from visual or sound sources that cannot be adequately communicated through a text quote page. A good guideline for adding quotes here is to limit them to ones that communicate their humor through the text itself, with a minimum of context. On the other hand, these quotes ''do'' include ''MST3K'' humor that arises from cultural references that aren't practical to explain within a quote page, so they are left as mental exercises for the reader (or the use of external sites with such explanations). * '''How to format quotes'''. See the [[Talk:Mystery Science Theater 3000|discussion]] page for suggested formatting and more inclusion guidelines.'' * '''What do the colors mean?''' The color scheme for the table indicates the different channels and cast arrangements for ''MST3K'': {| border=1 align=center ! align=left bgcolor=#3F3 | KTMA: Season 0 | bgcolor=#5F5 | Joel (Hodgson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#6C9 | Comedy Central: Season 1 | bgcolor=#8EB | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Dr. Erhardt |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCF | Comedy Central: Seasons 2-5 | bgcolor=#DDF | Joel (Robinson) & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#FF9900 | Comedy Central: Seasons 5-6 | bgcolor=#FB2 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Comedy Central: Season 7 | bgcolor=#F8B | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#F69 | Gramercy: ''MST3K: The Movie'' | bgcolor=#F69 | Mike & the Bots, Dr. Forrester |- ! align=left bgcolor=#C9F | Sci Fi Channel: Seasons 8-10 | bgcolor=#EBF | Mike & the Bots, Pearl Forrester, Professor Bobo, Observer |- ! align=left bgcolor=#CCFF33 | Short features (various seasons) | bgcolor=#EF5 | (various casts & channels) |- ! align=left bgcolor=#9C6 | CCC, SFC: Specials (movie reviews) | bgcolor=#BBEE88 | Mike & the Bots |} <!-- END COLOR SCHEME TABLE --> <br clear="all"/> == KTMA (Season 0) == === [[w:The Green Slime|The Green Slime]] === :'''Man''': That's an asteroid! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:Obi-Wan Kenobi|That's no asteroid... that's a battle station!]]{{hnote|The promotional riff of the series.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Take us into the number two position, will you? :'''Joel''': ''[getting up to leave]'' Speaking of the number two position... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey, Crow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes, Joel Hodgson? :'''Joel''': I found the secret of life the other day... but it kinda bummed me out. :'''Crow''': You found the secret of life? Why should it bum you out? :'''Joel''': It was on [[w:Stereo 8|8-track]]. :''[Gypsy and Crow laugh.]'' === [[w:Stingray (1964 series)|Invaders from the Deep]] === :'''Captain Troy Tempest''': No visible sign of trouble. :'''Joel''': Not yet. :'''Tempest''': Down SVC. Standby to surface. :'''Lt. George "Phones" Sheridan''': Standing by. :'''Tempest''': Right. Blow 1. :'''Phones''': Blow 1. :'''Joel [as Tempest]''': Pull my finger. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Marina, Tempest, and Phones dive through an underwater cave]'' :'''Joel''': They stay down pretty good for being made out of wood. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tempest and Phones are immobilized by a pink ray]'' :'''Joel''': Are they sweating or is that sap? :... :'''Crow''': Forced to watch their own movie. How horrible. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Commander Sam Shore paces in a hover-chair]'' :'''Joel''': Oh he's pacing, right? :'''Crow''': His boots weren't made for walking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray comes upon a deep extinct volcano]'' :'''Crow''': They're lucky to find an extinct volcano. I didn't even know they were endangered. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stingray settles on the fairly well lit seabed of the underwater volcano]'' :'''Crow''': That's very well lit for the bottom of a crater of an abandoned volcano at the bottom of the sea. :'''Joel''': I was just gonna say that. === [[w:Captain Scarlet and the Mysterons|Revenge of the Mysterons from Mars]] === :''[after Breck is shot and falls from his position]'' :'''Joel''': You know that puppet does his own stunts. :'''Crow''': Does he really? :'''Servo''': I personally don't believe that puppets should be on TV. <hr width=50%/> :''[SID announces the return of Captain Scarlet to Lunarville 7]'' :'''Lunar Controller''': They've come back. Orson, bring them here at once. :'''Orson''': Yes, sir. :'''Lunar Controller''': What they have seen must ''never'' get back to Earth. Bring them here. :'''Captain Scarlet''': ''[entering the room]'' There's no need, Lunar Controller. On the assumption that his first note would be rejected and subject to our investigation, the World President authorized me to place you under close arrest, and escort you back to Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Arrest ''me?'' You are fools, Earth men. Already a complex is being built. Soon, the Mysterons will come to take over the moon, and then the Earth. :'''Captain Scarlet''': We have seen the complex, and it will be destroyed. :'''Lunar Controller''': No. You will never leave the moon alive. ''Any'' of you. :'''Captain Scarlet''': SID, prepare a Lunar rocket for immediate launch. We are leaving at once for the Earth. :'''Lunar Controller''': Don't waste your breath. :'''SID''': A Lunar rocket is ready at bay three. :'''Lunar Controller''': No! SID, this is the Lunar Controller. Seal all exits! :'''Captain Scarlet''': Come on. :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal]'' Get it? Seal? ... never mind. :'''Lunar Controller''': SID. I am giving you an order! Orson, seize them! :''[Captain Blue knocks out Orson]'' :'''Captain Blue''': Let's go! :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[standing in front of SID]'' I command you! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''Servo''': ''[imitating a seal again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay, I get it... :'''Captain Scarlet''': It's no good, Lunar Controller, SID cannot identify you. :'''Servo''': I figured you would. :'''Captain Scarlet''': I changed recognition disks with you last night. :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[getting desperate]'' SID! This is the Lunar Controller! Stop them!!! SEAL! ALL! EXITS! :'''SID''': I'm sorry. Your recognition disk cannot authorize that. :'''Lunar Controller''': Obey! OBEY! SEAL ALL EXITS! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk does not authorize that. :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[pointing a gun at SID]'' This is your last chance, SID! Seal all exits! :'''SID''': I am sorry. Your recognition disk- ''[Lunar Controller begins to shoot SID repeatedly, causing SID to malfunction catastrophically]'' '''I... AM... ''SORRY...''''' :... :'''Lunar Controller''': ''[continuing to shoot SID repeatedly as an alarm sounds throughout the base]'' Obey! OBEY!!! :'''Joel''': Alright already! :'''Crow''': You know, there was an ''off'' switch, dumb-o. :''[SID begins exploding, and destroying Lunarville 7]'' :'''SID''': '''''I... AM... SORRY... I... AM... SOOOOORRRRRYYYYY...''''' :'''Joel''': I'm sorry you two had to see that. :'''Crow''': It wasn't pretty. :'''Servo''': I'm all choked up. === [[w: Star Wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :'''Ken''': Captain Joe, you don't necessarily have to get swallowed up in a black hole. If you chart your course carefully, you can go through a tunnel out to a white hole in safety. It's a tricky maneuver. :'''Dan''': Where did you hear that? :'''Ken''': Where did I hear it? I'm afraid I don't remember. I guess it was at one of those scientific briefings I attended. :'''Servo''': I don't think they should try it, they can't even get their lips to move with the words. <hr width=50%/> :''[During an effects sequence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They must've spent tens of dollars on this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': ''[attempting a takeover of Bacchus III]'' Black hole ahead! If we get any closer, it'll swallow us! I ordered you to change course to starboard! Ken! Starboard course! :'''Servo''': I would do my black hole jokes, but they all suck. ''[Crow and Joel groan]'' <hr width=50%/> : ''[as a desert tornado begins to blow the sand off of Bacchus III, freeing the ship]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:The Wizard of Oz|It's a twister!]] :'''Crow''': Dorothy! Dorothy! Auntie Em! Toto! :'''Servo''': Toto too? :... :''[music plays as the sand is blown away]'' :'''Crow''': It's not the wind, it's a men's choir. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the crew of Bacchus III has successfully destroyed the Saysar weapon]'' :'''Captain Joe''': I came up to tell you how proud I am of you guys. You're the greatest crew a captain ever had. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Thank you for shooting me with a dart. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ken''': ''[seeing his "mother" running away]'' There she is again! Mother! Why does she always run away? :'''Crow''': Could be your breath. :'''Joel''': Maybe you're ''mistaken''? :'''Servo''': Maybe it's a trap. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ken prepares to leave Bacchus III, and is bidding the crew farewell]'' :'''Ken''': Dan... :'''Dan''': We've been through a lot together. :'''Ken''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Except for a good movie. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, thanks a lot for calling in last week, everybody. It sure helps out here on the Satellite of Love to get your messages. :'''Servo''': Hey Joel, let's listen to one of the messages! :'''Joel''': Alright, that's a good idea. Hey Cambot, could you give it to me on a blue star field screen and give it to me one time, CG bold helvetica straight up on two? :'''Caller 1''': I enjoyed the movie, but really hated the constant interruptions that were on there. It was like being in a theater with a bunch of rude Jr. High teenagers. I hope you don't continue the program, not in that fashion anyway. :'''Servo''': What a complete wing-nut! :'''Joel''': Well listen, Servo, everyone is entitled to their opinion. That's what makes the USA great. :'''Crow''': Is that so, Joel Hodgson? I think that guy needs an antispasmodic. :'''Servo''': Could I say something to our ''friendly caller'', Joel? :'''Joel''': Of course, Servo. :'''Servo''': Hey buddy, is that your head, or did your neck grow a bubble? :'''Joel''': Hey you should talk, listen I think we should listen to another one. :'''Caller 2''': ''[excitedly]'' Great stuff! More more more MORE MORE!!! GIMME MORE!!! I WANT MOOOOOOOORE!!!! :'''Crow''': Oh, he must mean [[w:Dave Moore (newscaster)|Dave Moore]]. :'''Servo''': No, he's on [[W:WCCO-TV|TV 4]]. :'''Crow''': No, that's ''Moore On 4''. :'''Servo''': No, that's a black gospel singing group. :'''Crow''': No, that's Moore By Four. :'''Servo''': Isn't that an off road truck? :'''Crow''': No, that's a 4x4. :'''Servo''': No you're thinking of a 2x4. :'''Crow''': No, that's a CB term, you know uh, "2-4, good buddy." :'''Servo''': No, that's 10-4- no, that's a tax form you fill out. :'''Crow''': No, that's 1040- my favorite lubricant! <hr width=50%/> :'''Japanese General''': Operation Rear View Mirror has failed. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Now do Operation Fuzzy Dice. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :'''Crow''': Hey Joel, uh... I looked up 'suspended animation' in the dictionary and I don't think that this is going to be any good at— ''[a spray of liquid nitrogen turns Crow frozen mid-sentence]'' —AAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! :'''Joel''': See, I told you guys it would work. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hidaka and his Eskimo hosts observe fighter jets pursuing another jet.]'' :'''Dr. Hidaka''': The war even comes to this Eskimo village. Soon there won't be any peace anywhere. :''[Cut to a ship cutting through the ice.]'' :'''Joel''': There's nothing more tragic than a war in an Eskimo village. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kenny searches for his turtle Tibby among the shore rocks.]'' :'''Kenny''': Tibby? Tibby? Tibby? :'''Joel''': Like the turtle's gonna call out if he hears him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At night, Kenny mopes about his lost stones that he was collecting for "Gamera's new house".]'' :'''Joel [as Catherine]''': When you get up in the morning, Kenny, we'll get you a whole ''box'' of gravel. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[While playing back phone messages left by viewers.]'' :'''Joel''': All you scary guys with the low I.Q.s, don't call any more because you're scaring Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, grow a brain already! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While opening credits roll with a background showing the ocean.]'' :'''Joel''': The Ocean; the beginning of all life... and all Sandy Frank films. === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === :''[A supertanker has just exploded in flames.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh my God, it's [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|Gordon Lightfoot]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': I think he's so wonderful, I love Gamera! :'''Joel''': Keep your shirt on, honey. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[after Gyaos's leg is cut off by his own beam attack]'' :'''Servo''': He doesn't have a leg to stand on. :'''Crow''': That's a lame joke. :'''Servo''': They can call him Ilene now. :'''Joel''': He's hopping mad. :'''Crow''': Went out on a limb for that one. :'''Tom''': Looks like it's trying to run away. :'''Akio''': I don't think so. It's trying to attack from behind. :'''Servo''': Maybe the kids should help him. Give him a leg up. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Six-year-olds and nuclear weapons: a combination that just can't be beat. === [[w:Phase IV (1974 film)|Phase IV]] === :'''Crow''': Looks kinda skinny. Must be a [[w:Karen Carpenter|Carpenter]] [[w:Carpenter ant|ant]]. ''[chuckling]'' Carpenter... get it? Carpenter ant. See 'cause— :'''Joel''': ''[horrified]'' Oh no... :'''Crow''': Never mind. :'''Joel''': You don't mean that... :'''Servo''': [[w:Anorexia nervosa|Ant-orexic]]. :'''Crow''': ''[laughs]'' See? Servo got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': You know, ants can carry entire watermelons. And big chicken legs. Happened in ''[[The Flintstones]]''. :'''Crow''': I had a chicken leg once. I had to wear corrective shoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During an unpleasant closeup of the queen ant laying eggs.]'' :'''Crow''': Hope no one's eating rice at this point. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So Crow, if we ever get off this ship, what's the first thing you're going to do when we get to Earth? :'''Crow''': Uh well the first thing I'm gonna do is kill [[w:Sandy Frank|Sandy Frank]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, that's just a ''given''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the end credits roll.]'' :'''Crow''': I thought it was deep... :'''Joel''': What did you think, Servo? :'''Servo''': I thought it was pathetic. :'''Crow''': So deep, we should've been wearing boots. :'''Servo''': This made [[w:Gamera|flying turtles]] look good. === [[w:Space 1999|Cosmic Princess]] === :''[Tony and Koenig watch a video of an "alien" — a man whose face shows through his pumpkin-shaped and -colored rubber mask.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of a [[w:jack-o'-lantern|jack-o'-lantern]] monster. :'''Servo''': ''[deadpan]'' Ooh, very scary. I'm trembling. :'''Crow''': I think the prop department ''juuuust'' ran out of money. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Integrating an alien power supply into their Eagle, Tony, reading some instructions, counts off numbers to Commander Koenig.]'' :'''Tony''': 1... 2... :'''Servo [as Tony]''': 3... :'''Tony''': 5... :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': What?! :'''Tony''': 6... :'''Joel''': That's why they're in such trouble. :'''Tony''': 7... 4. :'''Crow''': Well, they are British. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the credits.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Nick Brimble|Nick Brimble]]! I had a knick on my Brimble once. === [[w:Per Aspera Ad Astra (1981 film)|Humanoid Woman]] === :'''Joel''': The plot thickens. :'''Servo''': Like rancid pea soup. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :'''Joel''': Just because you lost your hair, doesn't mean you have to take it out on the planet. === [[w:SST: Death Flight|SST: Death Flight]] === :''[Blonde bimbo Angela Garland boards the plane, still wearing her "Miss SST" outfit and sash.]'' :'''Angela''': ''[vapidly]'' Hello! :''[The flight attendants watch her sashay to her seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Please put your ''brain'' under the seat in front of you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Passengers are boarding.]'' :'''Crow [as Attendant]''': Hi, you're in the part of the plane that falls off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having achieved a cruising altitude of 65,000 feet, Captain Walsh gets on the intercom.]'' :'''Capt. Walsh''': Ladies and gentlemen, this is Captain Walsh. If you'll look out your windows, you'll see a sight that very few except the astronauts have ever seen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Walsh]''': An oncoming plane. :'''Capt. Walsh''': Although the sky above remains black… :'''Crow [as Capt. Walsh]''': … our wing is completely on fire, not unlike re-entry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the SST stabilizes, Kingman herds the passengers toward the rear of the plane.]'' :'''Carla Stanley''': Please, do something! We'll all be ''killed''! :'''Crow''': I guess she's in charge of panicking. :'''Servo [as Kingman]''': Okay, all the actors form a line! "[[w:The Love Boat|Love Boat]]" on the left, "[[w:Fantasy Island|Fantasy Island]]" on the right! === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[The villain has shot himself, but his pet cat is still alive.]'' :'''Joel''': So that cat is going to have to take the rap for this whole thing? === [[w:Superdome (film)|Superdome]] === :''[Star quarterback Tom Selleck narrowly escapes death in a sabotaged hot tub.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Magnum, P.I.|Magnum, deep fried.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film ends just before the kickoff.]'' :'''Announcer''': There's nothing quite like it. Super Bowl. Three hours from now the game will be history, but the lives of the players and fans alike will never be the same. :'''Servo''': ''[annoyed]'' Who won? :'''Crow''': I know I'll never be quite the same. :'''Joel''': This movie's history. :'''Crow''': We're history. :'''Joel''': Let's go. :''[Joel and Crow get up to leave. Servo hangs back.]'' :'''Servo''': Who won? ... ''Who won?'' ... ''Who won the game?!'' === [[w:City on Fire (1979 film)|City on Fire]] === : '''Dr. Erhardt''': We got a letter from the Mad Scientist League. They say they're gonna revoke our licenses--that we're not really mad enough! : '''Dr. Forrester''': I know, look, it says here, at best we're Mildly Peeved Researchers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a helpful title card informs us that "What you are about to see could happen to any city, anywhere."]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, good. ... It can happen in any city to any person. So wha– :''[Barry Newman's credit appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Like Barry Newman. :'''Servo''': So stop watching TV and get ready for the big huge fire! The apocalypse that could happen this Sunday night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet this was made in Canada. :'''Servo''': ''Oui.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doctor Whitman is evacuating the children's ward.]'' :'''Dr. Whitman''': You all know "Follow the Leader"? :'''Crow''': This is called "Follow the Burning Doctor". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]'' :'''Servo [as Diana]''': Doctor, I think we got our blood donor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman is going into labor.]'' :'''Crow''': Get a catcher's mitt! :'''Joel''': Boil some water. :'''Crow''': Boil some newspapers! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Kinda sorry [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley]] bought it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... kinda of a shame. :'''Servo''': She bought it, but ''we'' paid for it. === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :''[In response to Keiiche Abe's writing credit.]'' :'''Crow''': Someone wants to admit that they wrote this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Still shot of two gorillas]'' :'''Crow''': Oh look, it's [[w:Shelley Winters|Shelley Winters]] and [[w:Ernest Borgnine|Ernest Borgnine]]. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :''[CIA agent Tommy (pop idol [[w:Frankie Avalon|Frankie Avalon]]) waits while sexy Helga strips behind a curtain.]'' :'''Joel''': Just try to pay no attention to that girl behind the curtain. :'''Crow''': Try not to pay any attention to that hideous pattern. :. . . :'''Tommy''': I wonder if ''this'' is where I'm supposed to sing. Nah! :'''Joel''': Good one, Frankie. ''We'll'' make fun of the movie, if you don't mind! === [[w:Hangar 18 (film)|Hangar 18]] === === [[w:The Last Chase|The Last Chase]] === :''[a credit for the [[w:Canadian Film Development Corporation|Canadian Film Development Corporation]] appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, Canada, well that– that... that explains why it '''''SUCKED!!''''' === [[w:Legend of Dinosaurs & Monster Birds|The "Legend of Dinosaurs"]] === :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]], the [[w:Creature from the Black Lagoon|Creature from]] [[w:The Blue Lagoon (1980 film)|the Blue Lagoon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reporter''': Everyone is asking the same question... :'''Servo''': Why am I watching this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the movie, the titular dinosaurs finally appear and go on a confusing sort-of-a-rampage.]'' :'''Joel''': It made more sense before there were any dinosaurs. I'm starting to miss that part of the movie. == Season 1 == === [[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]] === :'''Servo''': ''[first riff; displaying a mountainside]'' This must be a [[w:Paramount Pictures|Paramount Picture]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two mountain climbers have just spied the corpse of another.]'' :'''Mountaineer''': His head! ... It was ''torn off''! :'''Servo''': You say that like it's a ''bad'' thing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The train carrying some of the main characters arrives in Trollenberg.]'' :'''Servo [as Conductor]''': Trollenberg, home of the Crawling Eye. All stops lead to a bloody death. <hr width="50%"> :''[A woman- Anne- stares blankly at a mountain as bizarre music plays.]'' :'''Joel [as mountain]''': ''[deeply]'' I am Mount Svengali. You will do as I say. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anne''': ''[after being asked by her sister if she's troubled by anything]'' I feel wonderful; I just wish others would stop treating me like an invalid. :'''Joel''': How about a wheelchair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Anne falls on top of Alan Brooks (played by Forrest Tucker) as he's reading his newspaper]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': It's fine. It was just the baseball scores. :'''Joel''': It's just a prop, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alan Brooks''': ''[he and Prof. Crevett are discussing the recent string of climbing accidents on the mountain]'' Where people climb mountains, there are lots of accidents. :'''Prof. Crevett''': That's true; and sometimes- the bodies- they disappear. But here, the search parties go out, and always they find nothing. Why do you suppose that is? :'''Servo''': ''[as Brooks]'' They're not good search parties? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the titular eye'' '''''finally''''' ''appears as a young girl rushes back into the hotel on the mountain to retrieve her toy ball]'' :'''Joel''': It thinks that ball is one of its pupils. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': What's a giant eye going to do, pick you up and wink you to death? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Is there a sequel to this movie? :'''Crow''': Yeah; [[w:The_Eiger_Sanction_(film)|The Eye-ger Sanction]]! :'''Servo''': Starring [[w:Burl Ives|Burl Eye-ves]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel chastises the bots for continuous eye puns; however, moments later...]'' :'''Joel''': I spy with my little eye... :'''Servo''': You hypocrite! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anne is feeling faint after the giant eyes attacking the observatory have been killed and set ablaze by an air strike. Alan Brooks tends to her]'' :'''Alan Brooks''': Let's get you outside and have some fresh air. :'''Servo''': I don't think outside is the best place for fresh air right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I got an itch! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[entering Deep 13; first lines]'' Clay; Clay, I think I was spotted on my way down here! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did you wear your disguise? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I was, but I just don't look that good in heels. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No-one must know we're down here doing this! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[meekly]'' I'm sorry. === [[w:The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy|The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy]] === :''[Erhardt and Forrester are preparing an invention for the Mad Scientist Convention]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[to Forrester]'' Promise me if you lose the contest you aren't going to blow up the whole convention center ''again''. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I only did that once! ''[Erhardt sternly clears his throat]'' OK, twice. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': It was three times! :'''Dr. Forrester''': The ''third'' time I used the ''incendiaries'', and it didn't make the building blow ''up'', it just made it burn. Really... quickly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[while introducing their creation for the Invention Exchange, a chalkboard vinyl on a record player]'' Okay- so you're throwing a party, it's 3 AM, and none of the guests are leaving. That's when you bring out the Chalkman! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, as every self-respecting scientist knows, the sound of human fingernails on a chalkboard is most annoying. It initiates the primal fear response in all mammals, much like a chimpanzee scurrying across the plains of the Serengeti. Simply put your Chalkman on the platen. ''[shows record]'' Now this is a real chalkboard. (Set on) Side B; excellent. And you'll just notice the tonearm has real human fingernails embedded in the hand, now place it on the platen... ''[scratches the disc, creating a shrill sound]'' Now open it. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll stay. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Close it. ''[shrill scratching sound continues]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': They'll leave. :'''Dr. Forrester''': And so on and so forth. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[attempting to shoo away a swarm of Demon Dogs from the Satellite of Love]'' Puppy party's over; everybody off! This is Tom Servo, your worst doggy nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Enoch, King of the Demon Dogs''': ''[as he explains he's willing to help drive away the Dogs]'' First we'll exchange pleasantries, then, we will drink [[Star Trek: The Original Series|Tranya]]. :'''Crow''': ''[snarkily]'' From a dish off the floor, boy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots succeed in shooing away the Demon Dogs by firing a ball-shaped probe into space for the dogs to fetch]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, they're gone! :'''Servo''': Joel, I don't mean to be a killjoy; but doesn't fetch mean "go get and bring back"? :'''Joel''': D'oh! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[two thugs hired by the Moon Men try to sneak behind Cody whilst he is working in his lab]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'd hate to shoot a butt like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Commando Cody flies across the moon surface, surveying the terrain]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, the moon looks just like [[w:Arizona|Arizona]], you guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]'' :'''Crow [as Retik/Larry]''': [[w:Newhart#LarryDarryl2|I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commando Cody''': Do you mind telling me why your men are carrying out that campaign of destruction on Earth? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Retik]''': It's an election year. :'''Retik''': Not at all. They are merely softening up your defenses for our impending invasion. :'''Commando Cody''': Why do you want to invade the Earth? :'''Retik''': Because the atmosphere on the Moon has become so thin and dry, it is impossible for us to raise food, except in pressurized greenhouses. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cody]''': Get a humidifier! ==== The Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy (movie) ==== :''[Dr. Almada voices-over scenes of the doomed romance between Aztec maiden Xochi and warrior Popoca.]'' :'''Dr. Almada''': So they decided to run away, even though it was her sacred duty to preserve her maidenhood and be sacrificed to the god [[w:Tezcatlipoca|Tezcatlipoca]]. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Almada]''': The god of decaffeinated coffee. :'''Dr. Almada''': They were discovered by the tribal priests. :''[A priest receives a steaming bowl, turning to the restrained Popoca to force-feed him.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Dr. Almada]''': They prepared hearty soups and broths and forced them on their guests, for they truly knew [[Advertising slogans#manhandlers|how to handle a hungry man]]. <hr width=50%> :''[A priest carries the prone Xochi up the aisle to the sacrificial altar.]'' :'''Joel''': Kind of looks like ''[[Dirty Dancing]]'', doesn't it? :'''Servo [as Xochi]''': ''[singing to "(I've Had) The Time of My Life"]'' :: I've reached the end of my life :: And I'm waiting for the knife to fall. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Popaca reveals himself as the titular Aztec Mummy]'' [[The Elephant Man (film)|I am not an animal; I am a Aztec Mummy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Popoca wanders through the cemetary]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, look; [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]! :'''Servo''': Who's buried in Peter's grave? :'''Joel''': [[w:James Arness|James Arness]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a distance in a cemetery, Dr. Krupp and his scarred henchman Bruno observe the Aztec Mummy of Popoca]'' :'''Bruno''': ''[of Popoca]'' You stinkin' devil! How I'd like to chop your rotten flesh to pieces! :'''Joel''': Bruno, stop letting hate run your life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Dr. Krupp unveils his creation, a "human robot".]'' :'''Dr. Krupp''': Tonight I'm going to put it to the supreme test! :'''Joel''': The ''[[w:Cosmopolitan (magazine)|Cosmo]]'' sex quiz? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Krupp''': ''[continues to boast about his "human robot"]'' With its shining pension, no human being on this earth can oppose me! :'''Servo''': Wait, a ''human'' robot? There's a flaw right there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Popoca tears apart Krupp's robot with relative ease]'' I looked up "anticlimax" in the dictionary; it said "See 'Aztec Mummy'." === [[w:The Mad Monster|The Mad Monster]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :''[After the stars a list of names under "With" comes up.]'' :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': These are the extras...they'll probably get killed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last week's cliffhanger is resolved by Cody simply diving away from a ray blast.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, if they'd only shown him diving out of the way, I wouldn't have spent the week worrying about him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Cody is fighting off a henchman]'' Just give him a headbutt. Give him a headbutt! He's just wearing spandex on his head! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody beats up Retik]'' That's for [[w:Bryant Gumbel|Bryant Gumbel]]; that's for [[w:Gene Shalit|Gene Shalit]]; and '''that's''' for dressing up like Carmen Miranda! God, that was dumb! :'''Crow''': Those are all [[w:Bob Mackie|Bob Mackie]] creations, aren't they? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[as he and one of his fellow scientists are fleeing an approaching Moon Men tank, pointing towards a narrow cliff opening]'' Maybe we can dodge around those rocks and lose 'em. :'''Servo''': Maybe you can use the ray gun. Y'know the big one that blows up things? Like '''Moon Cars''', perhaps? ==== The Mad Monster (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': Why does he have to kill them to prove his point? Can't he just show them a pie chart or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cameron is ranting out loud to himself after Petro's transformation]'' :'''Cameron''': Just a few moments ago, Petro was a man; a harmless good-natured man. Look at him now! :'''Servo''': ''[as Cameron]'' Now Bingo is his name-oh! :'''Crow''': ''[of wolf-man Petro]'' Now he's his own best friend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Cameron hallucinates his old academic colleagues berating his werewolf experiments]'' :'''Professor''': There are institutions for madmen- :'''Servo''': ''[as Professor]'' Like the Pentagon! :'''Professor''': -And we'll see to it you're confined in one! :'''Servo''': ''[as the visions vanish]'' You would think since that was his imagination, he'd at least have them be afraid of him. :'''Cameron''': We shall see, gentlemen; we shall see... :'''Joel''': Next comes the '''''[[A Christmas Carol|Ghost of Christmas Present]]'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Blaine''': Mingling the blood of man and beast is downright sacrilege! :'''Joel''': Tell that to the NFL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Blaine is pacing around aimlessly instead of fulfilling his promise to Dr. Cameron that he'd inject Petro with Cameron's werewolf serum.]'' :'''Servo''': Just shoot him! You told him you would. Don't pad your part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the farmer's superstituous mother/mother-in-law]'' She's stoned; [[w:Whistler's Mother|Whistler's Mother]] is stoned. :'''Servo''': At least [[w:Popeye|Popeye]] got [[w:Gender-affirming surgery|that operation]] he always wanted. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies theme as a farmer encounters Petro in the swamp]'' :''Come and listen to the story of a man named Jed'' :''A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed'' :''Then one day, he was shooting at some food...'' :'''Joel''': ''[joining in]'' ''...And up from the swamp came a big ugly dude.'' :'''Servo''': ''Wolfman, that is; black teeth, gnarled face.'' :''[the farmer attempts to shoot at Petro twice, but it doesn't even phase the wolfman as he lumbers forward]'' :'''Servo''': ''The next thing you know, old Jed was really scared.'' :''The kin folk said "Jed, get away from there!"'' :''Said "My cabin is the place I ought to be,"'' :''So he loaded up his drawers and he told his family...'' :'''Joel''': Good one, Crow. :'''Servo''': [I'm] Servo. :'''Crow''': Ah, over here. :'''Joel''': Right, sorry; good one, Servo. ''[turns towards Crow]'' You too, Crow. :'''Servo''': ''[unenthused]'' Gee, thanks, Ed! :'''Crow''': I didn't do anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro as a wolfman flees back into the swamp after killing the farmer's young daughter]'' :'''Crow''': I've seen better dog acts on the old [[w:The Ed Sullivan Show|Sullivan show]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Cameron''': ''[to Prof. Fitzgerald]'' I could give you an injection that would grant you the strength of ten men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Cameron]'' ...And their hair. :'''Dr. Cameron''': Or- following the line of evolution- how about a pair of donkey's ears? Ha! Something more fitting your level of intelligence! :'''Joel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, nice quip; really tagged 'em there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[towards Dr. Cameron]'' I do not care to be ridiculed by a charlatan! :'''Servo''': ''[as Fitzgerald]'' Or you! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lenore''': ''[confides to her father Cameron about her concerns over their house]'' There's something here that's evil. It's real and I can feel it; and I'm afraid! :'''Servo''': ''[as Lenore]'' It makes me want to sing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Officer''': ''[towards reporter Tom, as they observe the recently murdered Professor Blaine]'' This should make a gory enough story for your paper. :'''Tom''': It's more than just a story to me; [Cameron] was my friend. :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' It would make a great story. Maybe even a movie- with a sequel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Cameron has successfully turned his gardener into a werewolf and back again.]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': That felt good... Now I'm going to turn my daughter into a woodchuck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lenore and Tom are discussing what could've happened to a wounded Prof. Fitzgerald]'' :'''Lenore''': Fitzgerald was driving Petro into town with him. Surely you don't think- :'''Tom''': I don't know what to think! :'''Servo''': ''[as Tom]'' [[Airplane!|And stop calling me Shirley!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Petro''': ''[snapped out of a trance towards Lenore by Dr. Cameron]'' I don't know what's come over me; I must have a touch of Swamp Fever. :'''Dr. Cameron''': That's very likely. Now off to bed; I'll get something for it. :'''Servo''': I had a Marsh Rash once. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[with their heads swapped, whilst speaking in unison]'' Hey, are you thinking what '''I'm''' thinking? :'''Servo''': You like long walks in the rain? :'''Crow''': Chinese food? :'''Servo''': Mushing up your ice cream? :'''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[in unison]'' Oh, yes! We love us! Our collective brains are more powerful than Joel's! There is nothing that can stand in our way. We have seen the future and it is us; massage us into your scalp! We are all one; all powerful... YES! We are Servo Crow-ation, and we shall rule the wor- ''[Joel shuts them both off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in bemusement]'' My robots; I think I'll keep 'em- turned off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prof. Fitzgerald''': ''[viewing Cameron's lab]'' You seem to be excellently equipped. :'''Servo [as Dr. Cameron]''': Thank you! I didn't think you could tell through these trousers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Petro decides to turn against Cameron in the climax]'' :'''Cameron''': ''[in terror]'' Petro; stay back! :'''Servo''': ''[as Petro steps forward to strangle Cameron]'' I'll show you how the choke chain feels! :'''Joel''': And it '''don't''' feel good. === [[w:Women of the Prehistoric Planet|Women of the Prehistoric Planet]] === :''[Joel presents a last-minute Invention Exchange item; a roll of toilet paper inside a two liter soda bottle]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Well, I guess that could come in handy; as a molotov cocktail or something... :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You two are unbelievable! You could make Tiddly-winks sound evil! :'''Dr. Forrester''' and '''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[cheerfully]'' Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Klutzy Lt. Bradley demonstrates martial arts and winds up somersaulting to the ground.]'' :'''Lt. Bradley''': Hi-keeba! Hup! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, I could watch that all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Running gag: Anytime Lt. Bradley attempts comic relief.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]], and [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': SHUT UP!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the prehistoric planet, Dr. Farrell looks into the bubbling pond that swallowed a crewman.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is he [[w:Primordial soup|primordial]] [[Advertising slogans#soup-yet|soup yet]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tang serenades Linda with music played on a pan-flute]'' :'''Crow''': Now he's going to play the world's most loved melodies, a la [[w:Gheorghe Zamfir|Zamfir]]. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as Tang]'' [[w:Sheldon Leonard|Get me; I'm the master]] [[It's a Wonderful Life|of the pan-flute!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is attempting to disarm an [[Isaac Asimov]] doomsday device]'' :'''Crow''': You're playing dice with the universe here, Joel. I hope you realize that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Asimov doomsday device goes off, but all it does is give the S.o.L. crew labcoats and sideburns]'' :'''Joel''': This cockamamie satellite turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs! . . . :'''Crow''': D'you think it's a conspiracy? :'''Servo''': ''[speaking like Asimov]'' No; I tackled the 'conspiracy' topic in my volume set on Assassinations and Coups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, as romantic soundtrack music plays, Cmdr. Scott and Lt. Karen Lamont gaze into each other's eyes.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Scott]''': I know our affair wasn't set up in this film, but… let's be part of the Loose-End Festival anyhow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[as one of the scouts ends up mauled by a giant fake-looking spider]'' My God, how horrible! To be killed by a plush toy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Linda''': ''[in disgust as the crew refuses to search further for her love, Tang]'' I hate you; I hate '''all''' of you! :'''Joel''': Jeez, ''don't'' say hi then! <hr width="50%"/> :''[footage of the planet's volcano erupting plays]'' :'''Servo''': More stock footage; hit the deck! :'''Crow''': Look out, the styrofoam is on fire! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral David King''': Mr. Scott, make an entry in the ship's log. ''[Servo begins grumbling]'' ... to the third planet of the Solaris system. As this planet was heretofore unknown... ''[Joel begins grumbling]'' ... from this day forward, the third planet of the Solaris system will be known as the blue planet. We designate it planet... Earth. :'''Joel''': ''Earth?!'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, who made you God? :'''Servo''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, man evolved from Tang, right. We better get outta here, we'd better go. :'''Joel''': That means my great great grandmother was really, really hot! :'''Crow''': Was she? You got a picture? === [[w:The Corpse Vanishes|The Corpse Vanishes]] === :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[calling into the Satellite of Love to address Joel for the Invention Exchange]'' Come in, Joel; you tree-rotating skanky boy! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[impressed]'' Not bad; not bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo are mulling over the latest issue of'' '''''[[w:Tiger Beat|Tiger Bot]]''''' ''magazine]'' :'''Crow''': Who's the Dream Date this week? :'''Servo''': Let's see... it says- [[w:Buck Rogers|Twiki]]. :'''Crow''': Twiki?! What a coaster; he hasn't worked since '''''Buck Rogers'''''! :'''Servo''': I know; what a putz! ''[mockingly]'' Bidi-bidi-bidi; wanna dance, Buck? :'''Crow''': That guy couldn't interface without a lode-pan adapter. Such a shrimpy little bot anyway; with those ineffectual arms, and that stupid bubble head, and... :'''Servo''': ''[offended]'' Real funny, Crow. :'''Crow''': ''[in realization]'' Whoops! ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[while a shot of Cody's ship returning to Earth plays]'' Why does the Earth have a shadow? :'''Servo''': Why are there clouds in space? :'''Crow''': '''Why''' are we watching this? :'''Servo''': Daddy, what's Vietnam? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Retik''': ''[demanding for his henchmen waiting on Earth to be prepared for the arrival of Cody and his team of scientists]'' Will you have a ray gun completed by the time he lands?! :'''Krog''': I'm afraid that's impossible, your Excellency. :'''Crow''': ''[as Krog]'' All the hardware stores are closed! ==== The Corpse Vanishes (movie) ==== :''[After a bride "dies" at the altar, two men carry her out on a stretcher, still in her poofy wedding dress.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, man, that's so sad — look, they're taking the cake back! :''[Dr. Lorenz eagerly receives the white bundle in his hearse.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lorenz]''': Thank you, I ''love'' cake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Alice Wentworth's wedding, the bride and her maids hear a knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Land Shark (Saturday Night Live)|Landshark]]. : . . . :''[Another knock interrupts Alice's talk with her mother.]'' :'''Joel [as Landshark]''': Candygram. : . . . :''[The two women hear another knock at the door.]'' :'''Servo [as Landshark]''': [[w:Pizza delivery|Pizza delivery]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lorenz]''': I've got to go back here and talk to [[w:The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|the Lion and the Witch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one character is shown wandering around in a fancy outfit]'' :'''Crow''': Joel, why don't you wear nice things like that? :'''Joel''': Well, I got shot into space; there wasn't any time to pack. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Foster and Patricia Hunter introduce themselves to each other on the ride over to Lorenz's castle]'' :'''Dr. Foster''': My name is Dr. Foster. :'''Patricia''': I'm Patricia Hunter. :'''Joel''': I'm Joel. :'''Servo''': I'm Servo. :'''Crow''': I'm Crow! ... :'''Patricia''': I'm a news reporter. :'''Servo''': '''I'm''' a robot. :'''Joel''': I'm a human being. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Lorenz prepares to inject his wife with a hypodermic needle.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': Now you might feel a little sting... :''[Mrs. Lorenz shrieks loudly.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Lorenz]''': OK, a big sting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Lorenz angrily slaps Patricia in the face for her arriving for an interview]'' :'''Patricia''': ''[to Dr. Foster]'' So that's what you call [them being] eccentric. I have another name for it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Patricia]'' I call it ''bitchy''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Foster''': ''[as he assists in defending Patricia's testimony to her boss about Dr. Lorenz]'' The glands in our body help determine the condition of our teeth, the texture of our hair... :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Foster]'' The cut of our jib. :'''Joel''': Learning is fun! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': No one could hold a candle to him in this role. Well, maybe they could douse him in something flammable and then hold a candle to him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the RAM chip segment]'' :'''Crow''': Good thing about the movie: we got to meet an entire family of ''mutants''! :'''Joel''': ''[chuckles]'' OK...and a bad thing? :'''Crow''': They were all so ''stupid'', they tried to commit inconspicuous acts of murder on the most conspicuous day of a woman's life! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' You, my friend, get a RAM chip! === [[w:The Crawling Hand|The Crawling Hand]] === :''[Stranded and virus-infected astronaut Lockhart begs for NASA scientists to push his capsule's remote self-destruct button]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Lockhart/[[David Bowie]]]'' [[w:Space Oddity (song)|This is Major Tom to Ground Control]]... ... :'''Crow''': Push that (button), and he's an astro-not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a diner, some kids are dancing around a jukebox. The owner of the diner walks up and turns it off.]'' :'''Owner''': No dancing, not allowed. :'''Joel''': This is just like ''[[w:Footloose|Footloose]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments later in the same diner, when Marta is about to say something.]'' :'''Crow [as Owner]''': No acting, not allowed. : . . . :''[Marta shows her rat in a cage for her science experiment at the diner]'' :'''Owner''': No rats. :'''Joel [as Owner]''': Unless they're on the menu. :... :''[even later, as Paul attempts to throttle the diner owner while under the hand's influence]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Owner]'' No strangling, not allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Marta are engaged in a passionate embrace on the beach.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey! Is this ''[[w:From Here to Eternity|From Here to Eternity]]''? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, it just seems like an eternity. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo tell Joel off in that he always wins every game he makes the Bots play- due to their non-functioning arms- and leave him alone]'' :'''Joel''': ''[addressing Cambot]'' Cambot, I want you to remind me of something: next time I make a robot, no more free will. That's it; and now we've got commercial sign. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Marta, changing into her swimsuit behind a rock, loudly converses with Paul on the other side of the rock.]'' :'''Marta''': Paul... what does it mean, I'm "stacked"? And you're "not with it"? :'''Paul''': "Stacked"? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': "Stacked" means you're really smart. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hey, why's she wearing a swimsuit with a codpiece? :'''Servo''': Oh, just for the ''halibut.'' Heh, sorry. :'''Crow''': Stop it, you're giving me a haddock. :'''Servo''': Oh, you're a pain in the bass. :'''Crow''': You have no sole. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Sheriff Townsend/[[Gilligan's Island|Skipper]] to Paul]'' Where's the little body, little buddy? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff Townsend''': Did you hear anything... footsteps... a door opening? :'''Crow [as Sheriff]''': [[w:Koan|The sound of one hand clapping]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Let's see... if I were an arm, where would I hide? My sleeve, of course! <hr width="50%"/> :''[NASA doctor Weitzberg scans Paul, recovering in the hospital, with a [[w:geiger counter|geiger counter]].]'' :'''Dr. Weitzberg''': Not a trace. Not a solitary trace. :'''Joel''': Must be a talent meter. === [[w:Robot Monster|Robot Monster]] === :'''Dr Ernhardt''': ''[of Robot Monster]'' To call this film wretched would be an insult to the word wretched. It stars '''no-one'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[roleplaying as the Great Guidance to Servo]'' Why not have you yet killed the Hu-Man (Joel)? :'''Servo''': Because he gives me crunchy treats, and he empties my lode-pan. :'''Crow''': But he is Hu-Man, and unfit to live! :'''Servo''': But he has a cute butt, and he can drive a stick. :'''Crow''': Nevertheless, he- wait a minute, he can drive a stick? N-Nevertheless, '''he''' is Hu-Man; '''''YOU''''' are Ro-Man! ... :''[a moment later Joel meets up with the Bots]'' :'''Joel''': Hey Crow, Servo. What's up? :'''Servo''': Your number, I'm afraid! I must kill you, [[James Bond|Mr. Bond]]; I must kill you now- ''[Joel hits Servo with a collapsible chair in self-defense]'' Whoa! :'''Crow''': Joel; what happened? :'''Joel''': (It was) Servo, his reason circuits must've blown out. He tried to kill me! :'''Crow''': No, we were just doing a little role-playing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Joel and the Bots have been left delirious by the film and present a "pageant" about the many contradictions of Ro-Man as a character]'' :'''Crow''': [[Declaration of Independence|We believe these truths to be evident]]- and obvious. :'''Servo''': Please give to the United Robot College Fund! :'''Joel''': Because an internal hard drive is a terrible thing to waste. Think about it, won't you? ''[addresses Dr. Forrester and Ernhardt]'' What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Could I've sent a crazier guy into space? What in the name of [[w:Jules Bergman|Jules Bergman]] was that?! :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Do you think [Joel]'s had enough up there? I think he snapped. ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 4 (short) ==== :''[Servo sneezes violently]'' :'''Joel''': Bless you! :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': You're not supposed to do that... :'''Servo''': That stirred up my RAMS real bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber shoots at Cody with one hand while driving away from him with the other]'' :'''Joel''': Wow, he can drive and shoot at the same time? He must be ambidextrous! :'''Crow''': Boy, I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous. ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 5 (short) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[being dragged back to his seat by Joel]'' This is Buddhist! You invented us '''to suffer'''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of Servo and Crow griping]'' I'm surrounded by idiots of my own design! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Moon Men henchmen are being pursued by Cody and the cops]'' :'''Crow''': You're watching the "All Car-Chase Network"! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as the henchmen resume driving after ditching their getaway car for an ambulence]'' We now return you to the All Car-Chase Network; already in progress. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Graber, who is trying to escape, shoots at Commander Cody]'' :'''Joel''': Right, right. Shoot him. That's your solution to everything. Something gets in your way, you pull out your little gun and you gotta shoot them. Well mister listen, someday there's going to be a flying Rocketeer behind you who's going to shoot back. ==== Robot Monster (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[of Ro-Man as he first appears]'' This is what comes of teaching apes sign-language. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Space-helmeted, ape-like alien Ro-Man makes his first viewscreen contact with the last human survivors.]'' :'''Ro-Man''': Humans! Listen to me! :'''Servo''': ''[in a dopey tone of voice]'' Okay! :'''Ro-Man''': Due to an error in calculation, there are still a few of you left. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ro-Man]'' We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience it may have caused you. :'''Ro-Man''': Now I know you are watching! I can see five of you who have not been destroyed. Show yourselves and I promise a painless death! :'''Crow''': ''[as the Professor]'' Ah, we're looking at a few other options first. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[a shot of a rocket traveling to the space platform plays]'' It's a V-2 rocket! :'''Crow''': [[w:V8 (beverage)|Could've had a V-8]]! ''[Joel slaps Crow upside the head]'' Joke, Joel. [It was] a joke! :'''Servo''': I thought it was hilarious! ''[Joel slaps Servo on the dome]'' <hr width="50%"/> : ''[After the destruction of the space platform, Ro-Man addresses the human survivors]'' : '''Ro-Man''': And now, of the two billion, there are six. Calculate your chances. Negative, negative, negative. : '''Crow''': He's so negative! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alice and Roy cavort in an open field]'' :'''Joel''': Even at the end of the world, love springs eternal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly before the conclusion, Joel and the Bots discuss the movie.]'' :'''Joel''': Isn't it kind of weird? It's like, there's a guy in a gorilla suit, and there's— he's got a robot head, and inside he's got kind of a bunch of clay… I mean, I've seen ''[[Salvador Dalí|Dali]]'' paintings that make more sense than this movie does. :'''Servo''': Yeah, but I think there's a fine line between [[w:surrealism|surrealism]] and costume-shop closeouts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man clumsily struggles with Alice and Roy.]'' :'''Joel''': That, ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe. I rest my case. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ro-Man shows signs of weakness before his boss, the Great Guidance.]'' :'''Great Guidance''': To think for yourself is to be like the hu-man! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ro-Man]''': Me-man? :'''Ro-Man''': Yes. ''[distressed]'' To be like the hu-man! To laugh… feel… want… Why are these things not in The Plan?! :'''Great Guidance''': You are an extension of the Ro-Men, and a Ro-Man you will remain. Now I set you into motion. One — destroy the girl. Two — destroy the family. Fail, and I will destroy ''you''. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ro-Man]''': Uh, what's number three? Do I get a choice? :'''Servo [as Great Guidance]''': Do not violate ape law! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[while Johnny is walking past ruins of civilization on the way home]'' It's the Berlin Wall! :'''Joel''': Uh, this is the apocalypse; I think that's the Great Wall of Cleveland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as the Ro-Man fumbles about in view of the Ro-Man communication device]'' [[w:Hare Trigger|Peeking through the knothole, of Grandma's wooden leg]]... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Guidance, in annoyance]'' I hired an idiot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the closing shot of Ro-Man walking towards the camera loops]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the end of the film, Joel? :'''Joel''': Uh, I don't think it is. :'''Servo''': You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Joel''': Huh? What? :''[after the third time they repeat themselves]'' :'''Joel''': We've gotta get out of here. :'''Servo''': This is pathetic! ''[pause]'' You ever had deja vu, Joel? :'''Crow''': Stop it! === [[w:The Slime People|The Slime People]] === :'''Crow''': ''[in an upbeat mood while Joel and Servo are groggy from waking up]'' Here's a little morning poem- : ''Birdie with the yellow bill'' : ''hopped upon my windowsill;'' : ''cocked his shining eye and said'' : ''"What's for breakfast, Grandma?".'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': ''[during the Invention Exchange, holding a mound of cotton candy]'' We came up with cotton candy that screams when you bite it! ''[to Dr. Forrester]'' May I? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Enjoy! :'''Cotton Candy''': ''[as Ernhardt bites down]'' Ow! That's my head! Owwww! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, what do you think of that? :'''Joel''': ''[disgusted]'' You're toying with God's blueprint; that's what I think! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[of the fact "The Slime People" ended up getting made at all]'' The real beauty of this movie is that it actually got made. The guy who made it isn't a fool; he just convinced some people that is was worth making. You know, whether it was a good idea, or it could make money, or it satisfied some bizarre urge in the viewing public. :'''Servo''': Oh, I see; so it's the gullibility of humans that allows things like this to exist! :'''Joel''': I guess you're right. ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 6 (short) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots watch exactly the same opening credits they've seen five times before.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It is sort of hypnotic, isn't it? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hip? Not. Ick! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a café owner waking up Cody after he was knocked out in an altercation with Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Wake up, Cody; you owe me $400! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cody''': ''[in a phone call back to fellow scientist Joan as he prepares to ambush Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Call the police and tell them to block the highway on the other side of the mountain. :'''Crow''': ''[as Joan, making a phone call]'' Hello, police? Block the mountain on the other side of the highway! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots hold Commando Cody on trial for his various on-screen misdemeanors]'' :'''Crow''': Today I will prove that Commando Cody is guilty of the following felony changes- failure to follow a proper flight plan, reckless endangerment of the public, defying the laws of physics... and gravity, and acting as an officer of the law... and simply bad acting. :'''Servo''': ''[acting as Cody's lawyer]'' We plead hardship, your Honor! My client- Commando Cody- has more than paid his debt to society by being trapped in a pathetic serial! ==== The Slime People (movie) ==== :''[After landing at a deserted L.A. airport, Tom Gregory tries and fails to get an operator on a payphone.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gregory]''': Maybe I dialed wrong. Let me try again. Let's see… "zero". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Answering Machine]''': Hi. This is the human race. We're not in right now. Please speak clearly after the sound of the bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal Johnson''': ''[after chatting with fellow survivor Bonnie during the night and sharing a kiss]'' Gee whiz, you know as long as you're sitting here, I don't even want to think about Slime People. :'''Crow''': ''[continuing as Cal]'' Though it's hard, looking at a mug like yours. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tolliver, planning a mocking exposé about the slime-people frenzy, leaves the car to find a typewriter in a building.]'' :'''Gregory''': ''[towards Tolliver]'' Noone's home! Genius waits for no one! :'''Crow''': But stupidity hammers on deserted buildings. : . . . :''[Finally encountering the slime people, Tolliver returns, cowering in the car.]'' :'''Tolliver''': I… I've never seen anything like it! :'''Servo''': Even in [[w:Tijuana|Tijuana]]! : . . . :''[Cal turns around to avoid a crowd of shambling refugees, who then pursue them.]'' :'''Joel''': Lookit — they're all on their way to a [[w:George Romero|George Romero]] [[Dawn of the Dead|film]] festival! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gregory and Cal search for blonde Bonnie Galbraith in the mist-laden field, Gregory bends down to pick up something.]'' :'''Gregory''': Look at this. Blonde hair. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair in a field of wheat. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': At night. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': In a fog. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Slime People begin disintegrating once their force field has been destroyed]'' :'''Joel, Crow and Servo''': ''[as the Slime People]'' [[Richard III (play)|A horse, a horse; my kingdom for a- AAAGH!]] === [[w:Project Moonbase|Project Moonbase]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 7 (short) ==== :'''Joel''': ''[while Cody and Ted fly in an airplane to bomb the truck of Retik's Earth henchmen]'' Oh, great. [[James Bond|Double 00-Cody. You have a license to kill now, Mr. Cody]]? ==== Radar Men from the Moon, Chapter 8 (short) ==== :''[the episode begins with the opening credits again, as Joel and the bots wearily sing along to the music]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're watching ''Commando Cody''; a not-so-new character from [[w:Republic Pictures|Republic]]. He gets in trouble every week, but he's saved by editing... . . . :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' His laboratory is a boxing ring when bad guys come to mix it up; someone always gets kidnapped, so Cody has to go to fix it up... . . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Bad guys beware- Cody is there; you'll like his hair, it's under his helmet, 'cuz we couldn't think of a good rhyme; and that's the end of the Commando Cody theme song! So sit right back, and with a will of granite, watch Chapter 8- '''The Enemy Planet'''. ''[nervously laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Cody's assistant, Ted, is shown losing oxygen]'' By this time, my lungs were aching for air! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[role-playing as Krog on the bridge]'' Earth men, I want you to take an atomic bomb the size of a pineapple, strap it to a [[w:Piper J-3 Cub|Piper Cub]], and crash into [[w:Mount Vesuvius|Mt. Vesuvius]]! ... :'''Servo''': ''[roleplaying as Commando Cody]'' Does he have any idea who he's dealing with? I could- :'''Crow''': Ahhh, you're Servo; and Joel's holding you up. :'''Servo''': [[The Wizard of Oz|Pay no attention to the man holding me up]]. ==== Project Moonbase (movie) ==== :''[The 1970 Brooklyn Dodgers score a homerun.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh this is the future where they sold the Dodgers ''back'' to Brooklyn. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading a building abbreviated as SPACOM]'' Spacom: wood-filled and meat substitute. :'''Crow''': [[w:We Built This City|We built this city on Spacom]]! :'''Servo''': Instead of rock and roll? :'''Crow''': Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[of the brattily catty Colonel Briteis butting heads with amateur Commander Moore]'' :'''Servo''': Someone get that lady a saucer of milk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[Commander Moore and the imposter Dr. Wernher fight]'' Hands Down; the slap-happiest game of all! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[commenting on the surreal perspective of the movie's visual effects]'' Art design by [[w: M.C. Escher|M.C. Escher]]! === [[w:Robot Holocaust|Robot Holocaust]] === ==== [[w:Radar Men from the Moon|Radar Men from the Moon]], Chapter 9 (short) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[Cody's spaceship prepares to take off]'' [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]] pops the clutch, and tells the Moon to eat my dust! ==== Robot Holocaust (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': ''[reading the actor credits]'' Andrew Howarth? :'''Crow''': Fine; ''howarth'' you? :'''Servo''': Classic! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Valeria is torturing Jorn with some electrical device, but he refuses to talk.]'' :'''Valeria''': You leave me no choice. Towque, you ah to leave the poweh station and intewcept the gwoup that appwoaches us. And, when you weach them, the fiwst thing you are to do… is kill the guwl. Do you unduhstand? :'''Torque''': Yes! :'''Valeria''': Do you unduhstand, old man? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah! It's ''young girl'' I don't understand. :'''Valeria''': Yuh doughter will be destwoyed. You will neveh see herw again! Now, do you wish to say anything? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Jorn]''': Yeah. Do you know [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]? :'''Valeria''': Vewy well. Towque, go now. :'''Joel [as Jorn]''': Uh, what about [[w:Barbara Walters|Barbara Walters]], or, uh, [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]]? [[w:Daffy Duck|Daffy Duck]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The warrior women have decided to hold a fight to the death]'' :'''Narrator''': A dagger is placed into the ground— :'''Servo''': A voice-over is placed into the script. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Dark One, disgusted with Valeria's lack of progress orders her to leave, as she pleads with him]'' :'''Valeria''': Dawk One, please... :'''The Dark One''': Torque, take her away from my sight! :'''Valeria''': No, Dawk One, please! I will pwove myself to you! :'''Joel''': Taking someone out of an omnipresent being's sight is kind of hard, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A severed head rolls past]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, it's a spare! :'''Crow''': Gutter head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Neo's robot sidekick, beating up one of the Dark One's henchmen with a metal pipe]'' That one's for [[w:R2-D2|Artoo-Detoo]], that one's for [[w:C-3PO|C-3PO]]; that was for [[w:Julie Newmar|Julie Newmar]], and '''that''' one's just cuz I wanna! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Deeja; after seeing the mutated state of Jorn at the hands of the Dark One]'' Dad, you're a tulip bulb! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Jorn to Deeja]'' Honey, remember my torso? Well, it's chip dip now! === [[w:Moon Zero Two|Moon Zero Two]] === :''[Joel and the Bots enter the theater as the animated credits play.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Hey it's in color! :'''Joel''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Really bad music already, this is great. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a ''Pink Panther'' movie? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's a, like, NASA simulation, kind of like. :'''Servo''': Why would they use cartoons? :'''Joel''': Uh, so astronauts could understand them. :'''Servo''': ''[dubiously]'' Ah. ... :'''Servo''': ''[as one of the cartoon astronauts beats up the other in sync to the music]'' Whoa, they're beating the titles out of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clementine is concerned about her missing brother.]'' :'''Clementine''': He was supposed to meet me at the spaceport. :'''Capt. Kemp''': He's probably waiting at Moon City. :'''Clementine''': Mmm, that's what the man said. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Capt. Kemp]''': [[w:Listen to What the Man Said|Don't you listen to what the man says]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Korminski, speaking in his thick Russian accent, finishes his phone call.]'' :'''Korminski''': Yes, ''thees'' time, we ''can'' pay the bill, okay?! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Korminski/[[w:Manuel (Fawlty Towers)|Manuel]]]''': Hch-okay, Mee-ster [[Fawlty Towers|Fawlty]]! : . . . :''[As Korminski walks off to load the ship, Hubbard turns to Capt. Kemp.]'' :'''Hubbard''': That's Mr. Korminski, isn't it? Your engineer? What nationality is he? :'''Crow [as Kemp/Fawlty]''': ''[annoyed]'' He's from Barcelona. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a scuffle starts to break out in a nightclub as Kemp turns off the facility's gravity as a diversion for him and Clementine to escape]'' :'''Capt. Kemp''': If we're gonna play, we play by '''''my''''' rules! :'''Crow''': Yeah; but nobody knows what '''your''' rules '''''are'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the moon buggy overheats and explodes, the jazz soundtrack lets out a piercing wail.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, no — the jazz combo was in there!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are discussing how games would be altered to suit outer space.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Kaboom!_(video_game)|Kaboom!]]'' would become ''Don't Smoke on the Bridge Because It's an Oxygen-Enriched Atmosphere and You Could Cause an Explosion!'' === [[w:Untamed Youth|Untamed Youth]] === :''[a young man is seen running from authorities during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as a police officer]'' After him! He's hiding behind those credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny helps a farmhand lift a bale over the top of a fenced enclosure to another farmhand inside.]'' :'''Crow [as Penny]''': Hey, who's the guy in the cage? :'''Servo [as Farmhand]''': Well, that's my brother-cousin. He likes sody-pop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots do an experiment to see what exactly is in Gypsy's mind]'' :'''Joel''': What is it? :'''Servo''': It's an 8x10 (photo) of Richard Basehart and some RAM chips! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Oh brother; another great mystery of the universe explained. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long day slave-laboring in the cotton fields, the peppy teen convicts dance at a [[w:Sock hop|sock hop]] in their quarters.]'' :'''Joel''': That's the problem with today's youth. ''This'' is how their image of prison is. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': Penny went up to the boss's house, and she's still there! And it doesn't take an hour and a half to sing a song. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[Aida]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[telling his mother, the Judge, about the passing of a farmhand named "Baby"]'' That's the ''worst'' part about it — she… she dies in a strange place without friends or anybody, and nobody even knows her ''name''. :'''Crow''': She shoulda died at [[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]] — then everyone woulda known her name. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob Steele''': ''[exposing Russ]'' And that healthy food, that ''I'm'' paying for, you know what I found out about that food? Tropp's feeding canned dog food, and he calls it beef stew. :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': ''[in disbelief]'' Oh, no. :'''Crow [as Cecilia]''': Not canned, it should be dry! That's part of the agreement. :'''Bob Steele''': ... what do you mean he wouldn't? He's doing it! Mother, I saw the empty cans. I guess you didn't know this was going on, did you? :'''Cecilia Steele Tropp''': No! Maybe Mr. Tropp doesn't! :'''Bob Steele''': He knows every move that's made. :'''Cecelia Steele Tropp''': Well Bob, it's... it's uh- it's just that Russ is very ambitious. :'''Servo [as Bob]''': When did you start calling him Russ? :'''Bob Steele''': Sure! Got a bunch of people assigned to him, on your orders, their help is he gets them for six bits a day, and feeds them slop! :'''Joel [as Cecilia]''': It's not slop, it's ''Science Diet'' and it's very expensive, young man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Penny (blonde bombshell [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]]) performs a [[w:Calypso music|calypso]] song and dance, backed by male dancers.]'' :'''Penny''': Come on, boys, and carry my bananas! :'''Joel''': What in the world does that mean? "Carry my bananas"? :'''Servo''': I don't wanna know. === [[w:The Black Scorpion (film)|The Black Scorpion]] === :''[Dr. Ernhardt calls Joel, with a visibly mutated head]'' :'''Joel''': What happened to you? :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': We, uh, had a little mishap in the lab this week; we were trying to make a cold fusion [[w:Walkman|Walkman]] and I don't know what happened; but... well, you can see what happened. ... :''[after Joel presents their Invention Exchange]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': Are you alright, Clay? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[reduced to a talking skeleton in his lab coat]'' Yes, Larry; remember- it's all in the name of science. ... :''[much later after Joel reads audience letters]'' :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': I think the swelling is going down. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes; and '''I''' think you should file '''''this'''''. ''[hands Ernhardt paperwork as he walks off, and Forrester addresses Joel once more]'' Until next time, Mr. Skin on Weiner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Images of the erupting volcano are followed by onlookers watching the spectacle.]'' :'''Narrator''': … and millions of tons of molten lava are roaring down the slopes. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Guys, get out of the way! That's why you're dying! : . . . :'''Narrator''': … having reached a height of 9,000 feet within a few days… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And then tragedy struck — we ran out of stock footage! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Hank Scott and Artur Ramos pause in their driving after hearing some odd roaring noises.]'' :'''Hank''': Looks like a farmhouse up ahead. Maybe we can get some water up there. :'''Artur''': Also, I'd like to save those two bottles of beer. :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': ''[singing]'' Two bottles of beer in the jeep / Two bottles of beer / Take one down, pass it around / One bottle… beer in the jeep. :''[Artur clears a fallen wire from the jeep's path with a pole.]'' :'''Servo [as Artur]''': I'll just move this high-voltage power line with, uh, this piece of metal. Let me dip it in ''water'' first. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hank and Artur investigate around an abandoned house and find the corpse of a police officer hanging in the tree branches]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Bob Barker]'' What's behind this tree? It's a dead cop! :'''Servo''': ''[as Game Show Announcer]'' Yes, Bob; it's a 1953 Seniora Policia, complete with .38 snub-nosed revolver, dilated pupils, and rigor-mortis. You too will sleep soundly in your very own Seniora Policia! :'''Joel''': ''[adding a "prize disclaimer"]'' From Spiegel Catalog, Chicago, IL, 60609. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Searching for a path toward the volcano, Hank spies a woman on a bucking horse through his binoculars.]'' :'''Hank''': … I found something a lot more interesting! :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Dale Evans, and I thought she was stuffed! :'''Crow''': Only mounted. {{hnote|Joel jokingly confuses famous cowboy Roy Rogers' famous horse Trigger, who ''was'' stuffed after he died, with his wife and film partner Dale Evans.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the scorpion attacks outside of town and causes chaos]'' [[w:Crazy Eddie|It's Crazy Days! We're slashing and dashing prices! Yes, all giant scorpions get in free; free hot dogs and balloons for the kids. Yes, come on down and visit me in coke jail; I'm in coke prison! Get me out; get me out! Come on down to Crazy Days, this Sunday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[With the heroes and the local authorities, Dr. Velazco reviews their situation.]'' :'''Dr. Velazco''': But we have a few advantages against this enemy. First— :'''Servo [as Velazco]''': We're small. We can run fast. :'''Dr. Velazco''': Plus, we have the daylight hours to try to find and destroy it. Secondly, they're somewhat slow and lethargic. :'''Crow [as Velazco]''': And we have giant 40-foot pincers! Uh, no, wait — that's the scorpion's good point. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]'' :'''Crow [as Tour Guide]''': Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the ''right'' side of the train… :'''Servo [as Scorpion]''': Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just ''love'' trains. :''[The passengers flee the train.]'' :'''Joel [as Company Rep]''': Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused… This rarely ever happens. == Season 2 == === [[w:Rocketship X-M|Rocketship X-M]] === :'''Lisa''': How do we stand on fuel now? :'''Crow''': I'm ''for'' it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': Welcome to Deep 13. Would you like to try our smooth, creamy Thruster Buster? :'''Joel''': Where's Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester? :'''TV's Frank''': I'm Frank. I'm new here. As for Dr. Forrester, he stepped out for a moment. As for Dr. Erhardt... he's missing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the three remaining astronauts run from the rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians…]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Astronaut]''': Well...that could have gone better. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tooter Turtle]''': Hellllp, Mr. Wizaaaaard! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Other Astronaut]''': Nonsense! :'''Servo [as King Arthur]''': Run away! Run away! :'''Joel [as Tooter Turtle]''': I don't wanna be an astronaut anymore! :''[Fade into the next scene, where the rocket blasts off.]'' :'''Servo [as Shaggy]''': Oooh! Scooby! We gotta get outta here, Scooby! :'''Crow [as Mr. Wizard]''': Dreezle drazzle drozzle drome! :'''Servo [as Mr. Wizard]''': Time for zis vun to come home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Martians throw rocks at the astronauts, and the astronauts fire back]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Look, thanks for the rocks, here's some bullets. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the host segment after the movie, the crew are upset with the downer ending]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Boy! Nothing more depressing than being locked in a capsule watching a movie about people ''dying'' in a capsule. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah, why couldn't you just show us ''[[w:Marooned (film)|Marooned]]''? :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': We couldn't get it! === [[w:The Sidehackers|The Sidehackers]] === :''[Rommel and Rita roll around in some grass while the scene fades using a white-out effect]'' :'''Joel''': This grass... It's... drugged! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rommel shows J.C. how to sidehack]'' : '''Crow''': It was about that time the [[The Dukes of Hazzard|Duke boys]] decided they'd show ol' Boss Hogg just what sidehackin' was all about. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Paisley''': Why can't I reach you? : '''Crow''': There's a ladder in the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''J.C.''': ''[after having killed Rommel's fiancee and beaten Rommel unconscious]'' I treated you like a brother! :'''Crow''': Not a good brother... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Big Jake''': He hit Big Jake! <hr width="50%"/> :''[camera pans across Rommel and his crew, spending a lot of time on a patch of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': We're rocks and we're smarter than the rest of the cast. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': For those of you keeping score at home, Rita is dead. {{hnote|This is in the edited version of the episode as it doesn't show the disturbing scene of Rita being raped and murdered due to the scene traumatizing the MST3K cast members during recording.}} === [[w:Jungle Goddess|Jungle Goddess]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Crow continues his Lugosi monologue about the actors as the credits list the remaining players.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': I forget who did what here. I say, "[[Latin proverbs#Kill them all|Shoot the picture! Let God sort it out.]]" ==== Jungle Goddess (movie) ==== :''[Pilot Mike Patton (a pre-''[[w:Superman|Superman]]'' [[w:George Reeves|George Reeves]]) examines a rock jungle goddess Greta gives him.]'' :'''Mike''': Unless I'm crazy, it's kronotite. Of course, that wouldn't mean anything to you, either. Kronotite is stuff that they use in the manufacture of atomic energy. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Mike]''': Saps all your powers if you're a visitor from a foreign planet. <hr width=50%/> :'''Greta''': Did you study your spelling last night? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': Uh, dog ate it. :'''Wunama''': Uh, yes, yes! :'''Greta''': Good. Let me hear you spell, uh... "beautiful." :'''Joel''': Let me hear you spell "patronize." :'''Wunama''': Beautiful... ah yes... :'''Crow [as Wunama]''': Will this be on the final? :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': S-L-... :'''Wunama''': B-E... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': A-V... :'''Wunama''': ''[struggling]'' A... U... :'''Joel [as Wunama]''': E-R-Y. :'''Wunama''': T... I-F-U-L. :''[the two girls giggle]'' :'''Greta''': That's wonderful! :'''Servo [as Greta]''': Okay, now spell antidisestablishmentarianism. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike shows the kronotite sample to his partner Bob, who's under a potential death sentence for killing a native earlier.]'' :'''Bob''': No doubt about it. It's kronotite. :'''Mike''': Are you sure? :'''Bob''': I'd stake my life on it. :'''Crow''': That's already in the kitty, Bob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Greta the White Goddess are in a tough spot.]'' :'''Bob''': ''[sarcastic]'' White goddess having trouble? :'''Crow''': White fascist getting smart? === [[w:Catalina Caper|Catalina Caper]] === :'''Bob Draper''': Hi, I'm Bob Draper. School must've assigned you a keeper. :'''Don Pringle''': Don Pringle. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Don]''': Heir to the [[w:Pringles|potato chip]] fortune. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Catalina ferry [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] performs the song "Scuba Party" in his trademark effervescent fashion.]'' :'''Crow''': Little Richard? I hate [[w:Rich Little|impressionists!]] :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Prince (artist)|Prince]], I hope you're watching this! :'''Joel''': I think a certain teen idol is hopped up on goofballs! :'''Crow''': Little Richard: the one ''true'' talent in this film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Katrina''': His name is Angelo. :'''Servo''': He's a [[w:Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle|Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]'' :'''Servo''': I feel a number coming on… :'''Carol Connors''': Hey, we better do something, and quick! :'''Various Cascades''': Yeah! Let's do something. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Gloria Estefan|Gloria Estefan]] and the Catalina [[w:deus ex machina|Deus Ex]] [[w:Gloria Estefan#1984-1988: The Miami Sound Machine|Sound Machina]]! === [[w:Rocket Attack U.S.A.|Rocket Attack U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== ==== Rocket Attack U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? ''[Servo buzzes in]'' Tom Servo of Oak Ridge! :'''Servo''': Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover? :'''Joel''': Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to save you from an unholy death, please? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' DUCK AND COVER! :'''Joel''': Is right for five points. <hr width="50%"/> :''[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]'' :'''Manston''': Hard to believe that a group of ''civilized'' men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others. :'''Joel [as Manston]''': That's why we've ''got'' to ''crush'' them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]'' :'''General''': If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': You mean an [[w:Ronald_Reagan|actor becoming President]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Watkins answers his phone.]'' :'''General''': Hello? :'''Joel [as voice on other end]''': Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear? :'''General''': Yes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park]'' [[Psycho (1960 film)#Taglines|Nobody will be admitted]] during the breathtaking car-parking sequence! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]'' :'''Manston''': Did Lars give you the TNT? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tanya]''': He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York has just been nuked.]'' :'''Crow''': It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The very first ''MST3K'' "stinger"]'' :'''Blind Guy''': Help me. === [[w:Ring of Terror|Ring of Terror]] === ==== Ring of Terror (movie) ==== :''[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Moffitt]''': Aw, she's the [[wikt:ginchy|ginchiest]]. Life ''does'' begin at 40. :''[He puts on a sweater.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffitt]''': Let's see… ''[groans]'' …ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Moffitt/Old Man]''': I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey… <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene in the graveyard fades to a close-up of a desk]'' :'''Crow''': I'm a lamp. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Rayburn''': However strong we may feel... :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Our bones are very brittle. :'''Professor Rayburn''': ... some of us cannot overcome certain inner emotions. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Like love. :'''Professor Rayburn''': When we view an autopsy of this kind, let me say to you to feel free to leave the class. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To do the technicolor yarn. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': To blow chow. :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': To chuck the chow on the white porcelain throne. :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': To summon the earl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during an autopsy]'' :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': Now earlier today, I baked a corpse at 425 degrees. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Then we follow with an abdominal incision... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': And a light lemon-chiffon sauce with shallots. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have now exposed the gastrovascular cavity... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Which should be stuffed with a sage dressing. :'''Professor Rayburn''': We have cut through the epidermis, and you see this yellow mass. That's the fatty tissue... :'''Servo [as Rayburn]''': Which should be whipped into stiff peaks. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Well, it's not very pleasant to look at, I must admit... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': But with rice, and the correct seasoning, you've got a ''wonderful'' meal. :... :'''Professor Rayburn''': Mr. John Doe has rendered posthumously a great service to medical science. :'''Servo''': What are showman, ladies and gentlemen! He gave his all! :'''Professor Rayburn''': Now he will be transferred to the general mausoleum of the Raven Hills Cemetery... :'''Crow [as Rayburn]''': Where we'll meet for bars and punch. :'''Professor Rayburn''': Where he will be stored for about a week in the receiving vault. :'''Servo''': These are the battered faces of men in their 40s. :'''Professor Rayburn''': He will probably be buried there in Potter's Field. :'''Joel [as Rayburn]''': You've been a wonderful audience! Enjoy the buffet! ==== [[w:The Phantom Creeps|The Phantom Creeps]], Chapter 3 (short) ==== :''[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bela Lugosi]''': It's called a [[w:rubiks cube|Rubiks Cube]]. Don't screw it up! === [[w:Wild Rebels|Wild Rebels]] === :''[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an [[w:syrup_of_ipecac|ipecac]]. :'''Joel''': An epa— oh, that [[w:Abacab|Genesis album]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeeter (the biker leader) watches as fellow biker Banjo jealously observes someone flirting with Linda]'' :'''Jeeter''': Can you boys believe it; Banjo's in love. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jeeter]'' Okay, would you believe- mildly infatuated? H-how about a school-girl crush? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:The Road Not Taken|Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Adman]''': You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's [[w:Miller Brewing|Miller Time]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Banjo]''': Not this way, man, my mom will see me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, look! [[w:Erik Estrada|Erik Estrada]]! === [[w:Lost Continent (1951 film)|Lost Continent]] === :''[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, look! A [[w:V-2|V-2]]! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Tom]]''': Aw, I could've had a [[w:V8 (beverage)|V8]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]'' :'''Nolan''': Aren't you coming with us? :'''Native Girl''': ''[nervously]'' Nooo! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Native Girl]''': Me no got lead sarong. :'''Native Girl''': Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Native Girl]''': Besides, you guys not see woman in long time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Must... try... hard... to... pad... out... the... film! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Come on, '''''God, why, why, why?!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Servo''': This is-this is a madhouse, '''''a madhouse!''''' ''[groans]'' :'''Joel''': Ugh, I never knew ''mountain time'' was so slow. :'''Servo''': Please. :'''Lt. Danny Wilson''': Stay with me, baby. :'''Crow''': Come on, "stay with me, baby", ''is that all you can say?!'' ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': Kill them all, kill them, please, kill them! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, hey you guys, calm down. Hey, it's only a movie, we can handle it. Okay? ''[pause]'' '''WHO ARE YOU? WHERE ARE WE? CAN WE GET A FRAME OF REFERENCE OR SOMETHING?!?!? ''PLEASE!!!''''' === [[w:The Hellcats|The Hellcats]] === : '''Biker''': ''[to Ross Hagen]'' Where ya from? : '''Servo''': ''[[Mystery Science Theater 3000#The Sidehackers|Sidehackers]]''. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Artist''': ''[Stumbling around drunk and high]'' Roses are green. Violets are red...' : '''Joel [as Artist]''': I like to shoot heroin straight into my head. === [[w:King Dinosaur|King Dinosaur]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[after a fall down the Deep 13 elevator shaft leaves him flattened like a pancake]'' I'm the Invention Exchange this week, then. Are you happy now? Everyone come take a big long gawk at the Pocket Scientist! :'''Crow''': ''[while the SOL crew laugh]'' Nice improvisation on a standard theme! Joel, (your turn). :'''Joel''': This invention is really something more of an organic nature. I sorta created it accidentally; when you've been marooned in space as long as I have, some of your personal effects can tend to get a bit randy. That's why I made this- the incredibly stinky sweat-socks. ''[pulls out two socks supported on wooden sticks, and both Crow and Servo faint from the stench]'' Works every time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel flails around a lemur puppet on a table while Crow and Servo sing]'' :'''Servo''': It's Joey the Lemur, a friend to mankind; a furry sort of monkey friend, he really does shine. :'''Joel''': Joey the Lemur, he's really to hug a lot and talk to, so fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow''': Joey the Lemur, he'll run everywhere; Joey the Lemur, what heck kind of animal is it anyway? Joey the Lemur, the kind of animal that would go to the bathroom anywhere- there's more. :'''Joel''': That's okay. This is the lemur- native to Philippines and Madagascar, uh, and fictional planets like Nova. Uh, he's a clean, gregarious and good pet. ''[as Joey]'' You said it, pal! Boy, oh boy, pal of mine! You're the one for me! :'''Servo''': Uh-oh, Joel's swinging into his puppet routine. :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey, hitting Servo]'' Hey, can it, fire-plug! I've heard enough out of you! Let me tell you all a story. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Joey the Lemur, he'll say what he thinks! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Boy, will I ever! I'll carry on like a Gilbert Gottfried from the animal world, I don't mind tellin' you! I'm the Clown Prince of the Animal Kingdom who's often mistaken for our friend the chimpanzee. But make no mistake, I'm not saying anything wrong about our chimpanzee brethren, just hoping- here's hoping- they send a little more work our way. ... :'''Servo''': L is for "Lemur"... :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' L is for Lemur- 'nuff said! :'''Crow''': E is for "eat". :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' E is for eat. I eat four times my weight in nuts and berries; which has its consequences, but go figure! :'''Crow''': M is for "monkey"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' M is for monkey... I'm often mistaken for a monkey; it goes with the territory, alright? On with the show! :'''Servo''': U is for "unusual"... :'''Crow''': ...and "unpredictable"! :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Unpredictable is right! I once took a whiz on [[Johnny Carson]]'s sports coat! I don't travel well; let's go! :'''Servo''': ''[uneasy]'' Uh, R is for "radical"... :'''Crow''': ...and "rambunctious"! ''[immediately ends up involuntarily mounted by Joey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' Randy as a jackrabbit; that's me, alright! Whoo-hoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, it's the splendiferous lemur! :'''Crow''': Friend to all mankind! ==== X Marks the Spot (short) ==== :''[title card features a large ''X'', with ''Marks the Spot'' fading in atop it.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Marks the Spot''? Is that like ''[[w:Mack the Knife|Mack the Knife]]''? :'''Joel''': No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]'' :'''Commissioner Magee''': The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Magee]''': If you kill yourself here, you can't kill them over there. :'''Commissioner Magee''': We kill… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Sounds like Commissioner Fudd. :'''Commissioner Magee''': …and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on! : . . . :'''Servo [as Magee/[[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]]''': You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene fades to an intersection]'' :'''Narrator''': Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Called "Blood Alley." :'''Narrator''': No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': It made you feel happy. :''[Scene pans to a car approaching]'' :'''Narrator''': Here comes someone from one direction and... :''[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]'' :'''Narrator''': ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe! :''[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]'' :'''Servo''': Well, I guess ''he'' can't be a witness... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel appears before Joe's spirit]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe's Angel]'' [[It's a Wonderful Life|Are you George Bailey? Sorry; wrong film.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[in Heaven's Traffic Court, the judge (presumably God) is filing over paperwork while Joe's Angel attempts to get his attention]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Judge]'' Dear Diary... it's hard being God. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Angel''': ''[while defending Joe in Heaven's Traffic Court]'' I wouldn't say Joe was out looking for trouble... :'''Crow''': ''[as the Angel]'' But I did find him down by the waterfront in a Spartan costume yelling "Kitty! Kitty!". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's Guardian Angel prepares to divulge more about Joe as a driver before he's interrupted by the sound of a car crash]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Hang on, you'll want to see this. :'''Servo''': ''[as a wall tally of injuries and fatalities ticks forward for driving accidents]'' And at halftime, injuries are ahead of fatalities here in New Jersey... :''[Joe sees this and looks forelorn as it starts to sink in how badly he acted as a motorist]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Joe]'' I'm so ashamed. :'''Joel''': ''[the Judge looks over a list and marks off the name of the presumed accident victim]'' Looks like [[w:Richard Nixon|Nixon's]] enemy list. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge]'' Hurts, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': ''[addressing Joe's past transgressions as a driver]'' Incidentally, was there any traffic law he '''didn't''' violate? :'''Joe''': Oh; I never hit-and-run. :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Well, ''that'' changes everything! :'''Judge''': If you did, then you'd be booked in- ''[clears throat]'' :'''Servo''': In phlegm? :'''Judge''': -in a ''lower court''. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Judge''': You never hit and run? Why that's so despicable of an act, I wouldn't even accuse '''you''' of it. :'''Crow''': ''[as Judge, muttering]'' Never hit and run; why I oughta- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': I've heard enough of [Joe] as a driver... :'''Joel''': ''[as Judge]'' Now how is he as a cocktail waitress! :'''Judge''': ...how is he as a pedestrian? :'''Angel''': Oh, well that's different: as a driver, he thought he owned the road. As a pedestrian, he '''''knew''''' he owned it. He weaved through traffic like a mouse in a maze. :'''Servo''': ''[as Angel]'' Squeaking, and calling himself [[w:Flowers for Algernon|Algernon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[musing to himself over the Judge's closing statement in the short- "Are you qualified to pass judgement on Joe?"]'' Qualified? Hm, what a question. Me- Crow T. Robot- am I qualified? That's a heavy burden. I'm just a simple bot, alone as it were in the vast universe... thing. Could I make a difference? '''''Can I''''' make a difference? . . . :'''Crow''': Hey, Cambot; bring the screen in a little, and play that moody music. ''[jaunty contemplative music plays]'' What would Joel do in a situation like this? Ah, no- no, I've got to learn to think for myself; to stand on my own two foot-like appendages. Think globally, act locally. Yes, by God, I '''can''' do it! Why I... I could start a letter writing campaign, or I could organize a bake sale. Hey... ''[adressing the viewers]'' We can all help! C'mon friends, run to your window and shout "I'm really cheesed, and I'm not just gonna wait around 'til things get better"! Go do guerilla theater in the food court of your mall; or dress a little differently, make it more exciting for you and your spouse. Here's an idea, toss some Cajun spice into the party mix and watch the fun. Put on a one-man show and cover the sordid biographical details of your warped adolescense and '''''then''''' watch the grant money come in; but don't snap-judge me. . . . :'''Crow''': ''[continuing]'' Parade up and down the streets in your underwear! Impose your ideals on others- it's easy; crush someone with an emotional word or enigmatic look. You decide, '''you''' do it... I'm sick of this! I can't make a decision; I'm no good at this sort of thing! It's up to you. I'm passing the buck to '''you'''. And now we've got Commercial Sign. ''[as he calms himself down and the music fades out]'' Oh, the pain, the pain... ''[sighs]'' ==== King Dinosaur (movie) ==== :''[the movie begins with a credit for producer [[w:Robert L. Lippert|Robert Lippert]], who the SOL crew are more than familiar with at this point]'' :'''Servo''': Lippert? Oh, yikes! :'''Joel''': [[w:Rocketship X-M|Mars is extending us a welcome!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Jungle Goddess|French-fried potatoes!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[introducing the scientists assigned to travel and observe planet Nova]'' If animal life is discovered on Nova, an expert on zoo-geography would be a most important member. ''[Dr. Gordon is shown observing a saber toothed tiger skull carefully]'' On August 10, Dr. Richard Gordon was chosen to fill that position. He became famous for his discovery of the giant prehistoric tar pits near Salt Lake City. :'''Crow''': ''[as Dr. Gordon]'' I'd say this patient is dead. I'm no expert, but dead is the word. :'''Narrator''': ''[cuts to showing mineralogist Nora Pierce mining sediment out of a wall formation]'' The study of rock formations and its minerals is a lot like reading the personal diary of a planet. :'''Servo''': Yes, it's not very polite. :'''Narrator''': Dr. Nora Pierce joined the space expedition of August 27; her doctorate in Mineralogy was awarded for her mineralogical research in the Himalayas. :'''Joel''': And she's cute too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as bizarre sounding horn music plays during the opening scenes]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa; is [[w:Bozo's Circus|Cookie the Clown]] on the premises again? . . . :'''Joel''': ''[smoke pours from the rocket]'' A new Pope is selected; it's Cookie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the rocket ship is slowly landing on the planet Nova]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as [[John F. Kennedy]] ]'' I believe by the end of this decade, we will land a piece of stock footage on another planet. Ask not what a processed shot can do for you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Ralph Martin and Patricia Bennett record their test results and superimposed footage is shown over a tape recorder]'' :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': A preliminary biological study made of the air on Nova show the indications of microscopic life not unlike that found on Earth. However, approximately 40% of the bacteria... :'''Crow''': Was superimposed. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...was completely unfamiliar. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Tests for radiation gave a reading of approximately 10% above normal background count... :'''Crow''': Joel, I'm tripping! :'''Joel''': No, it's just a photo-processed... :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': ...less than a tolerable percentage. :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Temperature... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': [[w:Watergate scandal|Expletive deleted.]] [[w:Nixon White Hoise tapes|18 minutes was deleted from this tape.]] [[w:Richard Nixon|I am not a crook.]] :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': Although our preliminary tests are in no way conclusive... :'''Servo [as Patricia]''': Or any good at all... :'''Dr. Patricia Bennett''': ...it does substantiate however that human and animal life as we know it on Earth can exist in the atmosphere and environment of Planet Nova. :'''Joel''': The end. :'''Crow''': Aw, they taped over the [[w:The Beatles in Hamburg|Beatles Berlin]] tapes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What time would you say it is? :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Uh, it's time to kill something. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': ''[looking at a flock of birds]'' I'd say it's about three o'clock Earth time here. :'''Servo [as Richard]''': Judging by those birds. :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': ...we don't know how many hours there are on the daily cycle here. You know, this place could move around faster than our Earth. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Well let's figure for three o'clock anyway. That's gives us about three or four hours before dark. :'''Joel [as Richard]''': Besides, I've decided I'm the new God of this planet. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists sees a superimposed wasp descend upon their campsite]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as scientist/Martin Brody]'' [[Jaws (film)|I'm gonna get a bigger shoe. We're gonna get a bigger shoe, right?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Nora and Richard come upon a barren part of the mysterious island]'' :'''Dr. Nora Pierce''': What a desolate, forsaken place. :'''Crow''': What a stilted, pretentious line. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while the scientists attempt to flee from a <s>iguana</s> dinosaur with their <s>kinkajou</s> lemur in tow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to the "dinosaur"]'' Hey, come over here! You wanna meet Joey? :'''Joel''': ''[as Joey]'' '''No'''!! I told you this would happen! Please, I abhor you! Get out of here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" <s>iguana</s> [[w:T. rex|T. rex]].]'' :'''Dr. Bennett''': Oh Ralph, what is it?! :'''Crow''': ''[yelling]'' It's an iguana, now shut up! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': ''[as everyone scrambles to flee the island as an atomic bomb ticks away to detonation]'' Anybody got the time? It's a little matter of an atomic bomb. :'''Joel''': ''[in a sing-song voice]'' Your careers are finally almost over! You'll never be in another film! You may end up in the Psychotronic Film Guide! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the atomic explosion kills all the prehistoric beasts on the island]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, we did the right thing, didn't we? They'd never surrender. It was right for us to blow them up. :'''Crow [as the kinkajou]''': Thanks for annihilating everything I know! :'''Servo''': You know, they're only two miles from the blast, aren't they gonna get vaporized? :'''Crow''': Hope so. Well it's an atomic bomb-lite actually. One third as destructive as our other bomb. :'''Servo''': Ohhhh... Well, score one for Earth. :'''Dr. Ralph Martin''': Well, we've done it. :'''Joel [as Ralph]''': Not a word of this gets out to the people of Earth, alright? :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': We sure have done it. We brought civilization to planet Nova. :'''Crow''': Ha! Was that irony? This late in the film. :'''Dr. Richard Gordon''': Let's go home. :'''Joel''': Yeah, let's go home and grow some three-headed kids. :'''Crow''': Hey, there's a certain glow about June. It's... never mind. :'''Servo''': And so, with peace in their hearts and fiery death in the sky, they went home. === [[w:The Silent Star|First Spaceship on Venus]] === :''[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]'' :'''Brinkman''': Sumiko! :'''Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]''': I will as soon my lawyer gets here. :'''Sumiko''': Brinkman! ''[An uneasy moment passes.]'' Have I changed that much? :'''Joel [as Brinkman]''': Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brinkman]''': Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, [[w:The Blob|Blob]]-like slick chasing them.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, where's [[w:Steve McQueen|Steve McQueen]] when you need him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script? === [[w:Godzilla vs. Megalon|Godzilla vs. Megalon]] === :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': Rex Dart, Eskimo Spy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]'' :'''Goro''': Hey! The rocket! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[Snorts]'' Rockets! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': On a picnic? : . . . :'''Rokuro''': Help me! Hurry up! :'''Joel''': Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid! : . . . :''[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]'' :'''Servo''': Guess a rocket ''is'' standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Yep! :'''Crow [as Picnicker]''': Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]'' :'''Jinkawa''': ''[to Goro]'' Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot! :'''Joel [as Goro]''': Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]'' :'''Crow [as a Narrator]''': Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! [[w:Maniac (song)|He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...]] :. . . :''[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]'' :'''Joel''': They've just created [[w:Jennifer Beals|Jennifer Beals]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]'' :'''Joel [as Capt. Willard]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]'' :'''Goro''': Isn't that Jet Jaguar there? :'''Servo''': ''[Sarcastically]'' No, it's another superhero of your own design! :'''Goro''': They're controlling him. :'''Rok-san''': It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla! :'''Crow''': Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission? :'''Joel''': Um, no. :'''Servo''': Not ''this'' kid. :. . . :'''Servo [as Jinkawa]''': ''[Sarcastically]'' Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]'' :'''Servo''': I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys... :. . . :'''Crow''': He's got a foreign object! :'''Servo''': He ''is'' a foreign object! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]'' :'''Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]''': [[w:They Live|I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]'' :'''Crow [as Megalon/[[w:General Zod|General Zod]]]''': You ''will'' bow down before me, Jet Jaguar! :'''Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]''': Do you expect me to ''talk''? :'''Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]''': No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to ''die''! :'''Servo''': Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]'' :'''Servo [as Megalon]''': Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]'' :'''Servo [as Sportscaster]''': Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]'' :'''Rok-san''': Godzilla! Bye-bye! :'''Servo [as Goro]''': Thanks for leveling our country! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]'' :'''Goro''': ''[Into medallion]'' Jet Jaguar! Let's go home! :''[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]'' :'''Crow [as Jet Jaguar]''': Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a badly translated version of the Jet Jaguar theme]'' :'''Singer''': ''[subtitles]'' ''He jock it made of steel'' : ''Eats sushi from a pail'' : ''Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!'' : ''He mother never really love him'' : ''He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity'' : ''He dickey covers up an Adams Apple the size of a Toyota'' : ''He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid against a rock'' : ''Knock! Knock! Knock!'' : ''Who's there?'' : ''His head looks like Jack Nicholson'' : ''Don't smile like that, it will stay that way'' : ''YAHMMMAAHOAAHOAAAUGH!'' === [[w:Ebirah, Horror of the Deep|Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster]] === :''[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Godzilla]''': Hey! Whadda ya think I am, [[w:Tippi Hedren|Tippi]] [[w:The Birds (film)|Hedren]]? Get outta here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.{{hnote|A reference to the ''National Lampoon's Kennedy's Fifth Inaugural Issue'', the entirety of which is written as in an alternate world in which Kennedy wasn't shot, and stayed President. In this world, Sean Connery never stopped playing James Bond, and is shown in a poster as starring in the latest Bond movie, ''The Spy with the Biggest Penis You Ever Saw in Your Life'', with many Bond girls.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:kebab|Kabob]] and Ka-Steve! == Season 3 == === [[w:Ator 2 - L'invincibile Orion|Cave Dwellers]] === :''[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': How much Keefe is in this movie? :'''Servo''': Oh, ''Miles O' Keefe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ator''': Man's destiny is predetermined. :'''Joel''': Oh, he's a [[w:Calvinism|Calvinist]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]'' :'''Servo [as one of the villains]''': You idiot, we don't even have a [[w:deer hunting|doe license]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]'' :'''Joel [as Mila]''': Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw. :'''Servo [as Mila]''': What would [[w:MacGyver|MacGyver]] do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, you mean the '80s. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': He never killed, uh, that big a ''puppet'' before. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"! :'''Servo''': Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we ''finally'' have our first plot point! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire ''villains'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a group of snakes, which suddenly make highly non-snake-like growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': ...what? :''[Another pan over snakes, another set of growling noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... folks, we have snakes ''growling'' here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's not slimy at all! :'''Servo''': That's 'cause it's made out of velour. : . . . :'''Servo''': Just cut the wires, Ator! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, come ''on''. :'''Crow''': What the…?! :'''Servo''': ''[laughs]'' :'''Joel''': Terrific. ''[childlike voice]'' [[w:The Pee-wee Herman Show|I'm the luckiest boy in the world!]] [[w:John Gillespie Magee, Jr.|I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!]] :'''Servo''': This is a ''little'' ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? ''[…]'' learned aerodynamics… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|Message for you, sir!]]'' Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there. :'''Joel''': Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, he's landing in the [[w:outback|outback]] now. :''[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh— huh? :'''Joel''': How'd he do that? :'''Servo [as Ator]''': How'd I do that? :''[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]'' :'''Joel''': Well, I s'pose he's got a [[w:tank|tank]] in the courtyard, now. :'''Crow''': Yeah, and it's made out of [[w:Gilligan's Island|coconuts]]. === [[w:Gamera, the Giant Monster|Gamera]] === :''[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gamera]''': Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Kenny uncovers a pile of rocks]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it's Tibby's burial mound. :'''Servo''': ''[defensive]'' Shut up! It's not funny. ''[Scoffs]'' :'''Kenny''': ''[looking for his turtle]'' You there? :'''Servo''': ''[beginning to get a little sad]'' Oh Tibby... :'''Kenny''': Tibby? :'''Crow''': [[w:To Be, or Not to Be|...or not Tibby]]. :'''Servo''': It's not- Stop it! Shut up! :'''Kenny''': Tibby! :'''Crow [as Kenny]''': Tibby! Tibby! ''SQUISH!'' Aww, Tibby! :'''Servo''': ''[getting more emotional]'' That's not funny! Joel, tell him to stop! :'''Kenny''': Tibby??? Tibby! :'''Joel''': What are you worried about? Tibby's long dead, Tom. :'''Servo''': ''[gets up and begins to walk away]'' I'm leaving! I ha- ''[sobbing]'' I can't take this, this is terrible! :'''Joel''': Come on back, come on. :'''Servo''': ''[returning to his seat]'' Will you stop with the jokes? :'''Joel''': Yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the military prepares to destroy Gamera, little Kenny runs up to Dr. Murase and the General.]'' :'''Kenny''': Don't shoot Gamera! Don't shoot Gamera! He's good, he's good! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Dr. Murase]''': Let's listen to what Kenny has to say! :'''Dr. Murase''': Yes. It might be a mistake. Maybe we shouldn't use those missiles. :'''General''': Why not? It's the only way to kill that monster. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Murase]''': Because Kenny ''said'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A television newsman is reporting on Gamera-related natural disasters.]'' :'''Newsman''': There's going to be a special conference later this evening at the university, during which Dr. Hidaka will talk to high-ranking officers... :'''Crow [as Newsman]''': ... and Kenny... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Murase''': Gamera seems able to resist attacks by all offensive weapons known to us. Therefore, I am forced to admit there may be even greater catastrophes ahead. :'''Servo''': More Gamera movies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: the city of Oshima, where people are milling about.]'' :'''Announcer''': The city is off-limits to civilians. Not even the press is allowed to enter the area. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Kenny, however, is free to move about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is lured to the missile, trapped in a large capsule, and launched into space]'' :'''Servo''': Uhh... :'''Crow''': Hey, Joel, remind you of anything? :'''Joel''': ''[rips Crow's arm off and hits him with it]'' Yeah, it reminds me of ''this!'' :'''Crow''': Ah! Hey! Cut it out. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[singing]'' In the not too distant future- ''[Joel hits Servo with the arm and throws it away]'' :'''Crow''': Ha ha! :'''Servo''': You could get sued for that kind of thing. :'''Joel''': I'm gonna sue ''you'' for using that song. === [[w:Extra Terrestrial Visitors|Pod People]] === :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank explain the benefits of their invention: the [[w:Public domain|public domain]] karaoke machine]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Now, what happens when you go into your favorite karaoke bar and you want to hear "[[w:I Want to Know What Love Is|I Want to Know What Love Is]]" by Foreigner? :'''TV's Frank''': People vomit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Your movie today is ''Pod People''. It has nothing to do with pods, it has nothing to do with people, it has ''everything'' to do with hurting! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film opens with a view through a bedroom window, with a crash of lightning and the sound of thunder.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:It was a dark and stormy night|It was a dark and stormy night]]. I'd taken a creative writing course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the pod people comes upon two hunters in the woods.]'' :'''Hunter #1''': What the hell is that? :'''Hunter #2''': I don't know...it looks like a cross between a pig and a bear! :'''Crow''': A ''[[w:pear|pear]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a hunter comes upon the pods in a cave, and begins to violently smash them with a large stick]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, what is he, an ''[[w:Los_Angeles_riots_of_1992|L.A. Cop]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The band finishes singing. Rick smiles and gives the "okay" sign, but then quickly frowns.]'' :'''Rick''': It stinks! {{hnote|The movie was filmed in Spain, where the okay sign is given to indicate something is worthless, or zero.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene cuts from the cruising camper to the cave, emitting a red glow.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, terrific — we were saved by the gates of Hell. :'''Crow''': Hey, what is it about the gates of Hell that compels people to wander into 'em? :'''Joel [as Adman]''': It's because of [[w:Smuckers|Smuckers]] raspberry preserves. :'''Crow''': And what's he going to do, borrow a cup of sugar from Satan? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musicians park their camper by a river. The forest sounds include synthesized musical chirps.]'' :'''Servo''': Syntho-birds. :'''Crow''': Hey, it's a [[w:Casio|Casio]] forest. :'''Joel''': They parked next to a data stream. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy carries a carton of milk upstairs for Trumpy.]'' :'''Joel [as Tommy]''': Hey, what gives? [[w:Carton#Faces of missing children|''I'm'' on the milk carton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy''': You know what "play" means, Trumpy? :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': Yes, it's where I break you in half. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy shows Trumpy how to work a jigsaw puzzle.]'' :'''Tommy''': You see? The pieces go together. :'''Joel''': Oh, if only this ''film'' were so lucky. <hr width="50%"/> :''[With Trumpy's help, Tommy sees African-veldt stock footage through his telescope.]'' :'''Joel''': They got ''[[w:Wild Kingdom|Wild Kingdom]]'' on the telescope. : . . . :'''Tommy''': You can do ''magic'' things! :''[Trumpy turns to reveal his eyes blazing with white light.]'' :'''Crow [as Trumpy]''': It's called "evil", kid. :'''Servo''': Hey, he's got his high-beams on. Hmm? :'''Joel''': He's got [[w:Bette Davis Eyes|Bette Davis eyes]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]] eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The campers walk into the room to find that their friend has died. Molly solemnly leads them back out.]'' :'''Crow [as Molly]''': Well, your breakfast is getting cold, and she's not getting any warmer. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, in another movie? ''[sighs]'' Patience, gentle viewer, it'll all make sense soon.... NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tommy's mother''': Tommy, can you hear me? :'''Joel [as Tommy's mother]''': [[w:Tommy (album)|Can you feel me near you?]] <hr width=''50%"/> (Joel has made a skit about the 'Magic' scene, with Servo and Crow suspended on wires, ascending and descending wildly and awkwardly) :'''Joel''': I can't bring them down! I don't know how it works! :'''Servo''': I'm stuck! I'm stuck! (screams) : . . . :'''Joel''': ''Oh, we've got commercial sign!!'' <hr width=''50%"/> :''[Servo narrates over the movie's cheesy synthesizer soundtrack:]'' :'''Servo''': Tonight on Music from The Hearts of Space, we'll go on a cosmic joyride with some space music by various bay area artists. :''[Later:]'' :'''Servo''': First up on Hearts of Space, John Tesh with ''Whispering Firestorm.'' Then it's Yanni with ''SnoreMaster of Trafalgamar.'' Then comes bay area musician DelMondo with his ''[[w:Sominex|Sominex]] Suite in B-flat.'' Then a synthesized interplanetary salute to Perry Como. At the end of the hour, we'll have information about the types of sedatives used by tonight's artists, on Music... from... The Hearts... of Space. === [[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]] === :''[A scorpion slowly crawls on Kawajiri as he maniacally celebrates the opal's discovery.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Bible#death-sting|Death, where is thy sting?]] We're ''waiting''. === [[w:The Stranger (1973 film)|Stranded in Space]] === === [[w:Saru no Gundan|Time of the Apes]] === :'''Gypsy''': I thought I told you kids not to play ball in the house! :''[As the humans climb hand-over-hand under a bridge, Caroline knocks a small chunk of wood into the river.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Caroline]''': My piece of wood! It died so that we might live. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An Ape military officer gathers the troops.]'' :'''Crow [as Officer]''': About face! Crap in hands! Fling crap! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Caroline''': Catherine, I'm scared! :'''Catherine''': Don't worry, we're with you. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We're doomed, but with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': C'mon! Try and move faster than the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Caroline, Johnny, and Catherine are running and hiding from ape military officers]'' :'''Catherine''': Hurry, this way! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, like you know where you're going! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trees in the background begin to tremble ominously]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': AAAH! The tree's having a seizure! === [[w:Daddy-O (film)|Daddy-O]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[offscreen, towards Frank while the button to end the experiment is broken]'' Frank, what are you doing? :'''TV's Frank''': I was just getting a- uh, piece of water. :'''Dr. Forrester''': A piece of water? :'''TV's Frank''': I mean a glass of- cake... I mean- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Come here. ''[drags Frank over to the button by the ear and forces him to hold the button down; the credits start only to cut back to Deep 13, with the two working on the computer board]'' Well that's it, Frank; we're licked. :'''TV's Frank''': Dr. Forrester, I've known you to be many things, but not a quitter. Are you going to give up? Live, damn it; LIVE! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I remember now; alt function seven. ''[presses an alternate button and the credits finally roll properly]'' ==== Alphabet Antics (short) ==== :''[The letter A (for "Airplane") is represented by a herd of cows boarding an airplane.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great. I know I'm going to sit next to one of these people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter D (for "Dancing") is represented as a group of children dancing.]'' :'''Servo''': D is for damned, as in "[[w:Village Of The Damned|Village Of]]". :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as dancing boy/Hitler]''': You vill dance with me, Eva! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter G is represented by giraffes. One of them looks to the camera.]'' :'''Servo [as giraffe]''': I want a Clark bar. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter I (for "In") is represented by the White House.]'' :'''Joel''': I is for Ike. He hides inside. <hr width="50%"/> :''[L is represented by stock footage of a parade. A large balloon in the shape of an ice cream cone is seen]'' :'''Joel''': Elvis has ordered an ice cream cone. :. . . :''[Later, a balloon of an overweight man is shown.]'' :'''Joel''': And there's Elvis now. :. . . :''[The same stock footage of the parade, this time featuring nursery rhyme-themed, floats is shown to represent N.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[before the narrator can talk]'' N is for float... huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A balloon of a panda bear is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, and there's Louie Anderson. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': O is for once... :'''Servo''': "Once"? O is for "Once"? What, was there a writer's strike? :. . . :''[The clip is a series of animals plowing a field.]'' :'''Servo''': O is for the obscene treatment of animals. :. . . :'''Joel''': P is for PETA, who's boycotting this. And this. And this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Q is for the queer, queer pelican / Whose beak can hold more than his belican! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': P is for plagiarism from [[w:Ogden Nash|Ogden Nash]]! {{hnote|The narrator's line is lifted from ''The Pelican'', a poem by Dixon Lanier Merritt, often mistakenly attributed to Ogden Nash.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The letter R (for "Ribbon") is represented by children dancing around the maypole.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, these are all boys! :. . . :'''Joel''': Hey, there's Jack Klugman and Tony Randall! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': U is for upchuck that comes from below. ''[imiates vomiting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': X is for Xmas... :'''Servo''': X is for existential dilemma. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Yeah, well, Y is for [[w:Yanni|Yanni]], as far as I'm concerned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Y (for "Young"), a clip of children fishing is seen.]'' :'''Joel''': Y is the chemical symbol for [[w:yttrium|heavy metals]] that the fish is full of! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I hope we've touched you with a little bit of our evilness. ==== Daddy-O (movie) ==== :''[Upon seeing title of movie]'' :'''Crow''': Daddy-O! :'''Servo''': Must be [[W:Harry O|Harry O]]'s father. Or [[w:Wendy O. Williams|Wendy O.]]'s dad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas follows Sonny out of the bar.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': Nobody walks out on me. I'm Charles Foster Kane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chillas is able to catch up with and run Sonny's car off the road.]'' :'''Crow [as Chillas]''': You see it doesn't matter how slow I go, I'll catch him; my son's the editor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hefty villain Sidney Chillas invites Phil "Daddy-O" Sandifer to his office to discuss a "business opportunity".]'' :'''Joel [as Chillas]''': Let's eat some butter. ''Gobs'' of butter. Big handfuls! :''[Sidney hands Phil a fake driver's license.]'' :'''Phil''': What's this? :'''Servo [as Chillas]''': It's made of butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a couple of drug dealers are beating up Phil for information]'' :'''Man in Hat''': Anything new to tell me? :'''Servo [as Phil]''': ''[straining]'' [[Citizen Kane|Rosebud]], was a sled. === [[w:Gamera vs. Gaos|Gamera vs. Gaos]] === :''[During an establishing shot of a farm, a cow moos.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, bless you. :''[Cuts to Grandpa Kanamura.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[startled]'' Was ''he'' mooing? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Photographer''': ''[trying to get Eiichi's attention]'' Hey, Boy! Boy! :'''Joel''': [[w:West Side Story|Crazy Boy!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gaos chows down on a hapless reporter.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to this week's edition of ''[[w:Meet the Press|Eat the Press]]''. === [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|The Amazing Colossal Man]] === :''[Glen Manning runs to rescue a pilot who crashed near an imminent nuclear bomb test. Joel and the Bots pretend to be voices in Glen's head.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in Irish accent]'' Glen, this is your Father O'Malley. Come back, boy! It's not worth it! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[in old lady voice]'' Glen, this is your 1st-grade teacher. Don't do it. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Glen, this is your mother. If you stop, I'll make your favorite dish. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Glenn''': All I know is I just don't want to grow anymore. :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': I'm a Toys 'R Us kid. :'''Glenn''': ''I don't want to grow anymore!'' :'''Joel [as Glenn]''': ''I'm a Toys 'R Us kid!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sixty-foot-tall Glenn heads for Boulder Dam.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! He'll be the biggest guy by a dam site! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Suzie thinks she doesn't need a seatbelt. Let's watch Suzie go ballistic, through the windshield. === [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|Fugitive Alien]] === :''[In Deep 13, "Jack Perkins" introduces the movie, then continues to ramble.]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Then, Joyce Carol Oates will be out to read from her wonderous new work of fiction, her… first novel in ''well'' over a month. Then… Peter, Paul, and Mary will be out to… give us a wonderous rendition from one of the songs off their scintillating new album. Then Hume Cronyn [and] Jessica Tandy will be out to tell us… some poignant stories of the joys and sorrows of being… really, really… ''horribly'' old. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the title sequence]'' :'''Crow''': Sandy Frank presents our own personal ''hell!'' :'''Servo''': Indeed. :'''Joel''': Who ''is'' that guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the film opens with an invasion fleet over a planet]'' :'''Crow''': Oh man, cool, this is just like episode 38 of ''[[w:Star Trek (The Original Series)|Star Trek]]'', the first season, but it doesn't have that same kind of- :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like the star raider the [[w:Dalek|Daleks]] had in the [[w:The Doctor|fifth generation]] of the ''[[w:Doctor Who|Doctor Who]]'', when they had [[w:The Three Doctors (Doctor Who)|the three Doctors together]], and they had the one that looked like Mo- :'''Crow''': No, it's definitely like a [[w:Klingons|Klingon]]! :'''Joel''': Okay, that's good... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the fleet attacks a city]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is super cool, like that [[w:Saga of a Star World|first episode]] of ''[[w: Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'' when they have to leave the planet, and [[w:Jane Seymour (actress)|Jane Seymour]] got stabbed in the back! :'''Servo''': No no no, it's like ''Invasion Earth''- it's like ''Invasion Earth'' and they'll be like Zola babies when the fast source ships come in and they- :'''Crow''': Nuh-uh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a big list of writers are appears]'' :'''Crow''': Why do they need so many writers? :'''Servo''': Well, they needed one guy for the verbs, one guy for the nouns, some guys for the adjectives, you know, adverbs... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flips through the air during the beginning attack]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's an intriguing mix of genocide and modern dance. :'''Crow''': Hey, you're starting to sound like Jack Perkins, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken flees, after accidentally killing his own soldier]'' :'''Crow''': Just like that episode, where it was like the [[w:Patterns of Force (Star Trek: The Original Series)|Nazi world]] on ''Star Trek''. :'''Servo''': No no no, it was like ''Doctor Who'', when [[w:Tom Baker|Tom Baker]] was the Doctor- I think he was the Fifth Doctor, and he was trying to save Neela from the Clite Masters. :'''Joel''': That's enough. :'''Crow''': No, 'cause I saw it at a math tournament. :'''Servo''': No, I saw- I saw it in the Who Festival. They had 12 hours... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': I don't wanna die in the middle of nowhere! :'''Joel [as Ken]''': I wanna die in the thong section of Victoria's Secret! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Ken is rescued by the crew of the ''Bacchus 3'']'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I remember this. This is just like in ''[[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Marooned]]'', when [[w:David Janssen|David Janssen]] goes to save [[w:Gene Hackman|Gene Hackman]] and [[w:James Franciscus|James Franciscus]] in the derelict spaceship before the Soviet- the- the- the Soviet... :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's pretty cool. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and the Soviet satellite comes up and... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: This is the song written for the train chase. :: This is the chase, Rocky and Ken! :: He tried to kill me with a forklift… :: Olé! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ken''': There's the ship... but how do I get aboard? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Go to the lumber yard! That's how you get a board! <hr width=50%/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky, how often do I have to tell you, you should stop reading those science fiction novels? :'''Crow [as Rocky]''': ''[defensively]'' THEY'RE COMIC BOOKS! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the crew of Bacchus 3 discusses what to do about Ken, while Captain Joe drinks from a flask]'' :'''Rocky''': Captain, anyone can make a mistake, just as long as you don't keep on repeating it. I think we should get rid of Ken. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Which one? :'''Tammy''': I disagree. Have you already forgotten? Ken saved our lives! I think he deserves another chance. Don't you agree? :'''Rocky''': Okay. :'''Joel''': Man of firm convictions... :'''Rocky''': I guess you're right. I'll take him back on one condition... :'''Joel [as Rocky]''': You stop drinking, and start going to meetings. === [[w:It Conquered the World|It Conquered the World]] === ==== Snow Thrills (short) ==== : ''[Bobsledding wipeouts are shown in the cavalcade of snow sports.]'' :'''Servo''': Boy, all this just to talk to [[w:Jim McKay|Jim McKay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The high-energy narrator mentions skiing, but pronounces it "shiing".]'' :'''Narrator''': ...And "shiing" is the correct pronunciation, they tell us! :'''Joel''': Yeah, well, you're full of skit. :. . . :''[A few moments later, a title card appears on the screen reading "Cross-country skiing amid scenes of winter magnificence in Canada's snow-covered playgrounds."]'' :'''Tom''': Srosh-country shee-ing amid skeens of winter magnifishence in Sanada's shnow-sovered playgrounschs. ==== It Conquered the World (movie) ==== :''[Over drinks, scientist Tom Anderson ([[w:Lee Van Cleef|Lee Van Cleef]]) explains the global power shortage to his friend and fellow scientist Paul Nelson.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': I'm sorry, Tom — I can't bring myself to believe what you're saying. :'''Servo [as Tom Anderson]''': Then gimme back my cocktail. :'''Tom Anderson''': It's nothing new. It's been years since anyone's believed me. :'''Crow [as Tom Anderson]''': Bitter? Oh, a ''tad''. : . . . :''[As their wives listen, Dr. Anderson explains to Dr. Nelson about his connection to the alien behind the shortage.]'' :'''Joan Nelson''': A personal ''friend'' of yours? :'''Servo [as Joan]''': Name dropper! :'''Claire Anderson''': ''[sarcastically]'' Real chums. :'''Tom Anderson''': The days when people made fun of me are over, girl. :'''Crow [as Dr. Anderson/Zod]''': [[Superman II#General Zod|You will bow down before me!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul Nelson ([[w:Peter Graves (actor)|Peter Graves]]) observes the carnage of Tom Anderson's mutually fatal battle with the alien.]'' :'''Paul Nelson''': He learned almost too late that man is a feeling creature… and, because of it, the greatest in the universe. He learned too late for himself that men have to find their own way, to make their own mistakes. There can't be any gift of perfection from outside ourselves. And when men seek such perfection… they find only death… fire… loss… disillusionment… the end of everything that's gone forward. Men have always sought an end to the toil and misery, but it can't be given, it has to be achieved. There is hope, but it has to come from inside — from man himself. === [[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]] === :''[The movie credits show: &copy; MCMLXIX DAIEI CO. LTD.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the Nestl&eacute;'s jingle]'' M-C-M-L-X-I-X / Daiei makes the very best :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[singing]'' Movies — NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a scene with very poor dubbing]'' :'''Dr. Shiga''': There's no... :'''Servo [as Dr. Shiga]''': Business like... show business. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... air or water on the moon... so no living thing inhabits it. As you know for sure. :'''Servo''': Uh-huh. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Joel and Servo''': Yeah? Uh-huh? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... there are... :'''Servo''': Go on. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. Go on. :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... no rivers on Mars. :'''Servo''': Oh. :'''Crow''': Yes. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And on Venus... :'''Joel''': Yeah? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... it has several hundred degrees centigrade. :'''Joel''': We're waiting. :'''Servo''': It does. :'''Dr. Shiga''': And... :'''Servo''': Yes? :'''Joel''': Go on? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... the surface of... Jupiter is covered with... :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' '''SUM. UP.''' :'''Dr. Shiga''': ... frozen ammonia. :'''Joel''': You got a little uh... :'''Dr. Shiga''': Saturn... is also... :'''Joel''': Mhmm? :'''Dr. Shiga''': ...the same. :'''Servo''': Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the film's score]'' Let's watch the kids go to their fates / They'll disappear into the woods / It will be days before they're found / Cornjob will be blamed. :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' Why must we sing this stupid song? / It's getting really a-nnoying / We apologize for its le-ength... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': We are filled with shame. :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Now back to our '''show.''' :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the SOL version of "The Gamera Song"…]'' :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], Servo''': Gamera! / Gamera! / Gamera is really neat! / Gamera is filled with meat! / We've been eating Gamera! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An establishing shot of [[w:Gaos|Gaos]]]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Come Together|Here comes old flattop...]] :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' Don't! [[George Harrison]] will sue you! :'''Joel''': Oops, sorry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the battle between Gaos and Guiron; Gaos attempts to use a beam attack, which Guiron deflects back to Gaos' leg, dismembering Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': He's got a leg up on him now. :''[Joel and Servo groan]'' :'''Servo''': Crow! :'''Crow''': I know. :... :''[Guiron leaps up at Gaos while they are in flight, slicing off one of Gaos' wings, causing them to crash]'' :'''Crow''': Hi-keeba! I'd give my right arm to beat that guy. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''Crow''': He's flying on a limb and a prayer, you might say. :'''Servo''': Grrr! :'''Crow''': He's going out on a limb! He's winging it! :'''Servo''': Do something, Joel! Do something! :''[Joel begins shaking Crow, threatening to tear an arm off while he laughs]'' :'''Joel''': I'm just gonna leave that there... :'''Servo''': ''[watching Gaos' wings twitch]'' Hey look, buffalo wings, guys- ''[realizes]'' Don't hurt me. :... :''[Guiron decapitates Gaos]'' :'''Crow''': Quit while you're ahead! :''[Servo groans and Joel shakes Crow some more]'' :'''Crow''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry- ahhh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Akio''': ''[as he and Tom meet the two space-girls]'' Please tell me, what star are we on? :'''Joel [as Akio]''': What's the drinking age? :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''. :'''Tom''': How far are we from the Earth? :'''Space Girl''': We call this star, Terra... :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' It's a ''planet''! :'''Space Girl''': It's on the opposite side of the Earth where you are living. Exactly like the Earth with the sun between, same size and moving like the Earth. :'''Akio''': So you mean to tell us that it's like a twin star, then? :'''Servo''': ''[getting annoyed]'' It's a ''PLANET.'' :'''Tom''': I wondered if there was such a star. :'''Servo''': It's a '''''PLANET!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The brain-eating space girls return after the boys fall unconscious from eating drugged donuts.]'' :'''Joel [as Space Girl]''': Kids' brains always taste better when they've been thinking about donuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Akio reaches up and finds his head has been shaved]'' :'''Akio''': Hey, what happened to my hair? :'''Tom''': The space aliens did it, they're cannibals! :'''Joel [as Akio]''': They '''''ate''''' my hair? :''[this particular joke was improvised by [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh's Servo]] in [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Gamera vs. Guiron|the original KTMA episode]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tomoko''': Akio and Tom went on a spaceship, mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Don't tell me such a silly story like Akio and Tom. :'''Tomoko''': It's true! We found a spaceship near the river, and they went inside. It lit up suddenly, and- :'''Akio's Mother''': I see. Akio's up to something again. :'''Joel [as Akio's Mother]''': No more sugar for you. :'''Tomoko''': Please tell me something. Don't you believe in spaceships, and spacemen, you know? :'''Akio's Mother''': No I don't. :'''Tomoko''': But, the paper said a lot of people saw flying saucers. Don't you know it? :'''Akio's Mother''': They are all made up stories! :'''Tomoko''': But mother- :'''Crow [as Akio's Mother]''': I'm not your mother! :'''Akio's Mother''': Stop it! Study, or you cannot enter a ''good'' school. :'''Servo [as Akio's Mother]''': Mommy's just... mad 'cause she doesn't know... phonics. :'''Crow [as Tomoko]''': I'll show her! [[w:Yoko Ono|I'm gonna grow up to break up]] [[The Beatles]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[in psychotic child voice]'' When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom's Mother drives up to Aiko's home]'' :'''Tom's Mother''': Good afternoon, I've come to pick up Tom. :'''Crow''': It's Vanessa Redgrave! :''[Aiko's mother approaches]'' :'''Aiko's Mother''': Hello Elsa... :'''Servo''': Hello, Inga. :'''Tom's Mother''': Hello, thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...thank you again. :'''Servo''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...sorry to say, but Tom went out with Aiko and hasn't returned. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Tom's Mother''': I see, well where did they go? Does Tomoko know anything about it? :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Aiko's Mother''': No, and there's no use to ask her... :''[shot of Tomoko on the balcony]'' :'''Servo [as Tomoko]''': I'm gonna jump, don't try to stop me! :'''Tom's Mother''': ...you said space? :'''Aiko's Mother''': Yeah. :'''Joel''': Hello! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': So he just have run away knowing that you were coming to pick him up. :'''Servo''': Hahahaha... :'''Servo, Crow, and Joel''': Hello! :'''Crow''': That provides me with interest, and for that, I thank you! :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Crow''': Thank you. :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...much longer. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thank you. If you wouldn't mind please, let him stay. :'''Joel''': Thank you. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': I'll pick him up when he's 21, thank you! :'''Aiko's Mother''': ...please drop in for tea. :'''Crow''': Hello. :'''Tom's Mother''': Thanks, but I'm in a hurry. :'''Aiko's Mother''': I see... :'''Servo''': Thank you. :'''Crow''': Bye. :'''Joel''': Hello, and thank you! :''[Tom's mother gets in her car]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for going. :'''Joel''': Hello. :'''Servo [as Tom's Mother]''': Oh send him to Harvard, will you? Thank you, hello! :''[As Tom's mother drives away, Tomoko surprises her by hiding in the back seat]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko/hijacker]''': Shut up and keep driving! And thank you! :'''Tomoko''': Hello! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Hello! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After he stands up for her, Tomoko tugs on Officer Kondo's sleeve.]'' :'''Tomoko''': Kon-chan? :'''Officer Kondo''': Heh? What? :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': ''[whispers]'' They will all die by Gamera's hand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Gamera flies toward the crowd with the spaceship in his mouth, Tomoko jumps down into the landing site crater.]'' :'''Joel [as Tomoko]''': I'm first! I wish to be the first to be crushed! === [[w:Earth vs. the Spider|Earth vs. the Spider]] === ==== Speech: Using Your Voice (short) ==== :'''Professor Bueller''': Did you know that everyday someone loses a sale... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...or an arm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller gestures toward a rack holding three placards that say: "Heard", "Understood", and "Pleasing".]'' :'''Professor Bueller''': Now, remember these three points: you must be heard, you must be understood, and you must be pleasing. :'''Servo [as Bueller]''': Oh, and you must have a wire rack. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Do you know... :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': ...that I have little bunnies painted on my knees? I do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bueller shows a clip of a man stammering through a speech, showing us what not to do]'' :'''Man #1''': Well, uh, the fact is, we, uh, we spent, er, many nights in the, uh, um, well... :'''Crow [as Man #1]''': Uh... er... panties! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bueller's second monologue about "heard," "understood" and "pleasing"]'' :'''Bueller''': Now, let's look at another typical example. :''[Cut to a young woman giving a speech.]'' :'''Crow [as Bueller]''': This man is wearing a push-up bra. Now ''he'' is pleasing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another speaker mumbles through the side of his mouth while addressing a table of people.]'' :'''Man #2''': Funny ting happem up dere 't da station, See, A wash sittin dere waitin' for d'fellas when... :'''Crow [as Man #2]''': Duh, I was under da bleachers at da ball game, and dat's when da cop chased me 'n' asked me what I was doin'... :'''Man #2''': I shaid mishter, ah shaid mishter, dis, dis ishn't your seat, see ah' been sittin' here whol' lot longer 'n' you sheem t' think ah have, and... :'''Servo''': Ah, [[Garrison Keillor]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Professor Bueller''': Many of his listeners won't be able to understand him, and those that do... :'''Joel [as Bueller]''': ...will wish he were dead. ==== Earth vs. the Spider (movie) ==== :'''Carol Flynn''': I know something's happened to him. :'''Mike Simpson''': Sure it did. Maybe he ran out of gas, he'd never meet anybody on this road... hold everything, what do you call that? :'''Servo [as Carol]''': Oh, that's just a dead fa- a '''DEAD FATHER???''' Oh nooo! ''[Sobbing]'' :'''Crow [as Carol]''': Oh my God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trapped in the giant "web", a heavyset, dark curly-haired man is attacked by the spider.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': No, [[w:Doctor Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Erhardt]], no! So ''that's'' what happened to him! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wow. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Erhardt]''': Enjoy! {{hnote|The only mention of former 'Mad' Dr. Laurence Erhardt after his departure.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel mentions [[w:KISS_%28band%29|KISS]]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Joel, I hate to break it to you: KISS were '''NEVER''' cool! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans onto a victim of the spider: a shriveled-up corpse completely drained of blood.]'' :'''Crow''': It's Rose Kennedy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a scene opens outside a movie theater, featuring a familiar movie poster]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! [[w:The Amazing Colossal Man|"What kind of sin must a man commit in a single lifetime?"]] :'''Servo''': Cool! :'''Mike's Father''': Mike, you're wanted on the phone. :'''Crow [as Mike's Father]''': And get my shirts from the laundry. :''[Mike goes inside]'' :'''Joel [as Mike]''': Oh boy, I get to walk by that poster again. Cool! :''[Mike walks into a room with multiple photos featuring shots of various films from Bert I. Gordon]'' :'''Servo''': ... everywhere... oh Bert... :'''Mike''': Hello? :'''Carol''': Hi Mike, this is Carol. You said you'd take me out to the cave to find the bracelet. :'''Crow [as Arnold Schwarzenegger]''': [[w:Commando (1985 film)|I lied.]] :'''Mike''': You don't mean right now, do you? :'''Carol''': If you can get away. Please Mike? :'''Mike''': Carol, not today, my dad just got in a new picture and I haven't even seen it yet. [[w:Attack of the Puppet People|Something about puppet people.]] Sounds pretty wild. :'''Joel''': Oh, shame on you, Bert I. Gordon... :'''Carol''': Please? :'''Mike''': Oh, okay, I think I can borrow Joe's car again. :'''Carol''': Only don't come by the house for me. I don't want mother to know I'm going out there. :'''Mike''': Alright, I'll be down at the corner in 15 minutes. :'''Carol''': I'll be waiting. :''[Mike runs outside]'' :'''Mike''': I'll see you dad, I got a date now! :'''Mike's Father''': Where will you be? I said where will you be if I want you? :'''Servo [as Mike's Father]''': Wait! Aren't you going to watch that wonderful Bert I. Gordon movie? === [[w:Mighty Jack|Mighty Jack]] === :''[One of the credits for the cameramen is listed as SFX Camera .]'' :'''Joel''': Sex cameraman? Is this a– :'''Servo''': No, no, no– S-F-X, Joel. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Blow the Man Down"]'' ::Slow the plot down, laddy, slow the plot down ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::We'll scuttle the story and run her aground. ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! :: ::Ohhh, we'll make you a movie that's long and immense. ::Way hey, slow the plot down! ::Just give us a script that makes no friggin' sense! ::We'll try so hard to slow the plot down! === [[w:Teenage Caveman (1958 film)|Teenage Caveman]] === :''[it's raining outside of the Satellite and the crew is bored]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Why don't you boys play Hungry Hungry Hippoes? :'''Joel''': Oh; we lost all the marbles. :'''Servo''': Hey, Magic Voice; don't suppose you know where our Mouse Trap game is, do you? :'''Magic Voice''': I didn't play with it last. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' The pieces are missing anyway. . . . :'''Magic Voice''': Well, why don't you read a book? :'''Joel''': ''[as he and the Bots scoff and protest]'' Oh, gag me... no way! :'''Magic Voice''': Well, I don't know what you're going to do then. It's Commercial Sign in five seconds. :'''Joel''': Maybe we could play some poker. :'''Gypsy''': Poker? What's poker? :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Joel and the Bots agree on the poker idea]'' You boys be nice to Gypsy. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[helping instruct Gypsy through the game, whispering]'' Gypsy, just tell 'em what you want to do and keep your poker face on. :'''Gypsy''': [I'm] in! :'''Crow''': Let's see, what to do... :'''Gypsy''': ''[cheerfully]'' Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted, after seeing Gypsy's hand]'' Oh, I fold! :'''Joel''': ''[disappointed]'' Aw, Gypsy, you wrecked it; you had a great hand! ==== Aquatic Wizards (short) ==== :'''Announcer''': Where's the third fellow? He's ''chicken'' — never jumped at all. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': What's this? He's forced his way into the announcer's booth. What's that in his hand? Oh no! Aah! :''[Joel or Servo makes gunshot noises.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Forget about life-jackets, this is The 50's! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing over footage of young women water-skiing]'' : ''Gee, I hope I'm skating pretty'' : ''Gee, I hope I get a boyfriend'' : ''Gee, I hope I don't get acne'' : ''I'm having so much fun now!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Announcer''': This time, the Mexican jumping-bean will do a one-and-a-half spin on the ramp, landing backwards and completing the other half on water. :'''Crow''': This time, the white fascist narrator will make a racial slur! :'''Servo [as Anouncer]''': Ha, but what do I know? I'm only a fat hick announcer, mowing down pretzels and pinwheel cookies, and trying to come to grips with the tattered ends of a once promising life gone horribly wrong, God, God, why, why???.... :'''Joel''': Shhh, It's just a movie. ==== Catching Trouble (short) ==== :''[Narrator Ted Husing describes animal catcher Ross Allen's current task.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, this is a different assignment, and a true depiction of actually filling an order he recently received. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ted Husing]''': [[Apocalypse Now|Kill Colonel Kurtz]]! :'''Ted Husing''': It read: "Want immediately one live bobcat, two cub black bears, and three six-foot diamondback rattlers." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[Groucho Marx]]]''': And two hard-boiled eggs. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as [[w:Harpo Marx|Harpo Marx]]]''': Honk! :'''Crow [as Groucho Marx]''': Make that three hard-boiled eggs. {{hnote|Part of a wacky breakfast-ordering scene from the Marx Brothers film A Night at the Opera.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[imitating [[w: Emo Phillips|Emo Philips]] after Joel points out Ross's seminal guide resembles him]'' I was wondering if we could go into the woods, and maybe we could see some am-i-nals. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bobcat runs up a tree to escape Ross.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Hey, Mister Cat, you can't do that! Don't you know you're wanted in Chicago? :'''Servo [as Husing]''': For voting twice? :'''Ted Husing''': Say, you made a mistake picking that tree. I'm afraid you're out of luck this time. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bobcat]''': Naaah, bite me! I will prevail! Mine is a noble race! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross finally catches and bags the bobcat.]'' :'''Ted Husing''': Well, it's in the bag! And so Ross Allen fills one third of his day's orders. What's next? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hurting the people you know and love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Chasing rabbits on a mini-bike until their hearts explode? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Husing''': Now you've got a boatload of live cargo — a wildcat, three six-foot rattlers, and a couple of little teddy bears. It seems to me, I'd call it day, or call a taxi, or... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...or call [[w:People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|PETA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ross is violently manhandling a bear cub]'' :'''Joel''': What I wouldn't give to see that cub's ''mom'' show up right about now, huh, guys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[as Ross in the ensuing host segment while a rubber rattlesnake is stuck inside a bag alongside a figure of Ross]'' Not the giant rattler! Please; I can't do that! He hates me; we went to camp together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in closing during the ensuing host segment]'' If you enjoy catching trouble in any way, there's something wrong with you! :'''Joel''': Any questions? ==== Teenage Caveman (movie) ==== :'''Narrator''': In the beginning, there was chaos... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Run by [[w:Bernie Kopell|Bernie Kopell]]. :''[a flash of light appears]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, and then God showed up. :'''Narrator''': And a voice said, "Let there be light." :'''Joel''': Oh, this is a biblical chalk talk. I've seen these. :'''Narrator''': And the dark was separated from the light. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And permanent press was separated from cottons. :'''Narrator''': There was created, the waters and the land. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And [[w:Charlton Heston|Charlton Heston]]. ConTel. :'''Narrator''': And they were made, the sun to rule the day, and the moon to rule the night, and the stars to give light in the darkness. The Earth was made to bear growing green things, and fruit. :'''Servo''': Frogs. :'''Joel''': Oh, this is ''[[w:Fantasia (1940 film)|Fantasia]]'' before they colorized it. :'''Narrator''': ''[lots of eyes begin appearing onscreen]'' The animals were created, and they were fruitful, and multiplied. :'''Crow''': They all look like [[w:Little Orphan Annie|Orphan Annie]]. :'''Narrator''': And then there came... man. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': To screw the whole thing up! :'''Servo and Joel''': Hey! :'''Crow''': Well, what about [[w:Ross Allen (herpetologist)|Ross]]? <hr width=50%/> :''[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:How Green Was My Valley|How green was my valley?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Not very. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Symbol Maker's teenage son ([[w:Robert Vaughn|Robert Vaughn]]) argues with his father over their choice in hunting grounds]'' :'''Symbol Maker's Son''': Why do we hunt in a place where there are dead trees and only a few animals to give to the fire, when there's plenty '''''there'''''? ''[footage of a field and lake with a swimming brontosaurus is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Why am I thinking about gas stations? :'''Symbol Maker''': [Land like that] promises a lot, but gives only a place to die. :'''Servo''': Oh, like Hollywood! :'''Symbol Maker''': There are shadows there deep and cold and dirt that eats men. :'''Crow''': ''[as Symbol Maker]'' And kids that eat paste! <hr width="50%"> :'''Joel''': This script is like a telephone directory! :'''Crow''': But not as interesting. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of the Symbol Maker's son early on]'' [[Rebel Without a Cause|Caveman Without a Cause]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Symbol Maker's Son is conversing with a Blonde Maiden (played by Darah Marshall) about leaving the tribe to set out on his own]'' :'''Symbol Maker's Son''': ...So I wonder, how many strange things there are- beyond the river; even beyond the Green Place. :'''Joel''': ''[as Blonde Maiden]'' He's been to Paradise, but he's never been to '''me'''. :'''Blonde Maiden''': If you break the Law again, the people will give you death! :'''Servo''': ''[as Symbol Maker's Son]'' [[w:Give me liberty or give me death|I prefer liberty]]. === [[w:Gamera vs. Zigra|Gamera vs. Zigra]] === === [[w:The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent|The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent]] === :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' W is for the many ways that you're served :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' A is for the admiration you deserve :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' F because you're fluffy, you're flaky, you're fun! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And F is for the flavor that is second to none! :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' L is for how light you are, you melt in my mouth! :'''Joe, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' E is for eggs--Oh Baby! :'''Tom''': Triple time! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Put 'em all together with a how-do-ya-do, Lovely waffles we love-- :'''Gypsy''': Send me up another please! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Oh, waffles we love-- :'''Servo''': Top mine off with runny cheese! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Crow''': Chili waffles suit me fine! :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waffles we love-- :'''Joel''': Wash me down with Aunt Jemima? :'''Joel, Servo, Crow, and Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Waaaaaaaffffles, we love yoooooooooououuuu! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel walks in carrying a plate of waffles; with only one thing to say]'' :'''Joel''': ...Waffles. ''[Movie Sign blares]'' Oh; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Boy, I'm full; I ate too much! I'm starting to think the world would be a better place ''without'' waffles. :'''Crow''': ''[appears dressed in a waffle costume]'' [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|No waffles]]? :'''Servo''': Ah, who are you? :'''Crow''': Why I'm Willie the Waffle; the wonderful, whimsical wisecracking waffle! Can I ask you one thing? :'''Servo''': Sure. :'''Crow''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' Who the hell are you to decide who lives and who dies?! Did you know that the nation's brunch industry employs over 500,000 people? Most of 'em named Chad? :'''Joel''': ''[as "Chad"]'' Hi, welcome to Jojo's Waffle Berries. Our special today is waffles in game sauce. We also have- :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie]'' Sorry, Chad; we're gonna have to lay you off. No waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' Little League baseball would also be impossible without waffles! :'''Joel''': ''[as young boy]'' Mom, Little League practice is in an hour! Can I have some waffles? :'''Crow''': ''[as Willie/Mom]'' Sorry, son; no waffles! ''[makes whistling noise]'' ==== The Home Economics Story (short) ==== :''[An opening card states "This is an Iowa State College Production."]'' :'''Joel''': Iowa State College: The high school ''after'' high school! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''If I could join the FFA, my life would be complete, I'd till the soil, I'd bale some hay...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[High school girls attend an assembly. Someone, possibly the principal introduces the speaker in silence.]'' :'''Joel [as Principal]''': ''Your Period and Mine: A Lecture.'' :'''Crow [as Principal]''': Hello. Am I on? Is this thing on? You wanna look at that, Helen? :''[A matronly woman steps up to the podium on stage.]'' :'''Matronly Woman''': Today, I'd like to tell you about several girls I know ''very'' well. :'''Servo [as Matronly Woman]''': ...and why I'm being fired. :''[The camera moves to a close-up, showing the woman has significant jowls.]'' :'''Crow [as Matronly Woman]''': I took several heavy blows to the cheeks with a lead pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay is discussing college with her family.]'' :'''Servo''': She consulted Robert McNamara. :'''Joel''': And Ayn Rand! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Kay sends her application letter.]'' :'''Narrator''': She got a real thrill out of dropping that letter in the box. :'''Crow''': (chuckles maniacly) :'''Joel''': Be cool! Be cool! Come on! Be cool! Just... Oh, that's good! Now let's get out of here. :''[In the next scene, Kay gets her acceptance letter.]'' :'''Servo [as Kay]''': It's here already! Oh, shoot! I mailed it to myself! :'''Joel''': It's from Ed McMahon! It says I may already be a winner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay meets her roommate Jean for the first time.]'' :'''Crow [as Jean]''': ''[in a [[w:Curly Howard|Curly Howard]] voice] Hi!'' Howya ''doin'?'' We're gonna have a ''great'' time! We're gonna be ''pals''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a costume design class]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Camarillo_Brillo|Is that a real poncho or a Sears poncho?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A football game is starting.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next. :'''Joel [as audience member]''': Play "Whipping Post"! :''[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in marching cadence]'' I'm a [[w:Cotton swab|Q-tip]], what are you! :''[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]''': Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay and her college roommates are having their usual gab session. Nearby, a lamp with Kay's name on the lampshade is seen.]'' :'''Servo''': Hats off to Ray, the whimsical lampshade. :'''Narrator''': ...but then Kay came up with that all-important question. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How do Pop-Tarts work? :'''Kay''': What are you doing to major in, Helen? :. . . :'''Louise''': What are you going to take, Jean? :'''Joel [as Jean]''': I'm going to take Bob for everything he's got! :. . . :'''Kay''': You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to teach. :'''Joel [as Kay]''': Because I can't do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the four young women plays with little kids, in preparation for motherhood]'' :'''Joel [as little girl]''': ...WHAT? We have to be subjugated to men?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the piece, shot of a building named "Home Economics".]'' :'''Joel [as announcer]''' ''Home Economics'', starring Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. :'''Voice Over''': What is "Home Economics"? :'''Crow''': Boy, you'd think they would have told us by now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the girls, now seniors, walk along.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's [[w:Abbey_Road|Abbey Road]]. :'''Joel, Crow, Servo [singing]''': [[w:The_Monkees_(TV_series)|''Here we come, walking down the street...'']] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [singing]''': ''It's a wonderful world when you're married, when you have a family...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, it's just after the girls graduated.]'' :'''Narrator''': Jean and Louise were leaving for their jobs in the city, so you all drove down to the train station to see them all. :'''Servo''': And to re-enact the last scene from ''[[w:Anna Karenina|Anna Karenina]]''. ==== The Saga of the Viking Women and their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent (movie) ==== === [[w:Star wolf (TV series)|Star Force: Fugitive Alien II]] === :''[as the title appears]'' :'''Servo''': Uh oh, ''Fugitive Alien II: [[w:Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo|Electric Boogaloo]], [[w:Exorcist II: The Heretic|the Heretic]], [[w:Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise|Nerds in Paradise]], [[w:Mannequin Two: On the Move|On the Move]], [[w:Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol|Citizens on Patrol]]''! :'''Joel''' Star Force times two! Two times the action, two times the confusion! :'''Servo''': Baboom! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Hey, this music is perky. I'm feeling ''really'' good! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Hey, this is gonna be fun guys! I'm feeling really- oh who are we kidding, this is a ''Fugitive Alien'' sequel, we're in for the two most ''painful'' hours of our lives! ''[Servo begins crying]'' :'''Joel''': Come on, you guys, we gotta be strong. Try not to fall apart. Come on, we've been through too many Sandy Frank films to let him defeat us now. :'''Narrator''': A thousand light years away from our solar system lies Valna Star... :'''Servo''': ''[crying]'' We know... :'''Narrator''': ... a mysterious planet with an enriched atmosphere which in part... :'''Crow''': Seen it! :'''Servo''': Taped it! ''[cries more]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In flashbacks to "Fugitive Alien", the scene jumps abruptly from Rita's death to Ken eagerly waving for pickup by the Bacchus III.]'' :'''Ken''': Hey! Hey! Hey! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Ken]''': Ha ha! My chick's dead! Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Only one memory of Rita remains: her golden Valnor medallion... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which Ken hocked for a pack of cigarettes. :'''Narrator''': Ken will never forget her. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Or the Visa bill she ran up, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rocky the Flying Squirrel|Again?]] :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''Again?!'' :'''Servo''': That's good, Crow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Colonel Yurulin''': Listen to me! I've got something important to tell you! :'''Joel [as Yurulin]''': I'm the [[w:Margaret Brown|Unsinkable Molly Brown]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and Crow shout in horror as Tom explodes in the theater]'' :'''Crow''': IT'S ALL OVER THE SEAT!!! :'''Joel''': Gotta get him outta here! Come on, Crow! ''[They rush out of the theater]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': TOM SERVO! OH MY GOD! TOM SERVO'S DEAD! He's dying! It must've been that movie! Oh man! We're losing him! :'''Crow [imitating William Shatner]''': A robot watches a bad film, It renders him unconscious, Next on Emergency 911-- ''[gets slapped in the beak]'' :'''Joel''': Crow! You gotta snap outta Shatner and help me! It means the life of our friend, Tom Servo! :'''Crow [on Shatner mode]''': But I must finish Tek-Wars of Venusia... must direct Star Trek 9: The Search For Spock's Intelligence! ''[breaking character]'' [[w:T.J. Hooker|Hooker's a good cop]]! Whoa! He's a good-- ''[gets slapped in the beak again]'' :'''Joel''': Crow, you listen to me and you listen good, I need you to snap out of Shatner. I need you here, now, our friend's life hangs in the balance! :'''Crow''': ''[sobs]'' I'm sorry Joel, I didn't know... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': New from the Star Force line of action figures, it's Captain Joe, the boozy, brawling, bloated ''Bacchus III'' commander from the beloved ''Fugitive Alien'' series! :'''Crow''': Dizzy Gillespie cheeks sold separately. :'''Servo''': Yes, he swaggers, he staggers, and he even talks! :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh, a fellow would do a lot worse than throwing with the lot of ''Bacchus 3''. Set 'em up, barkeep. :'''Crow''': Flask and travel bar not included. :'''Servo''': Yes, with your Captain Joe action figure, you'll be in a constant state of excitement while he's in a state of denial. :'''Joel [as drunk Joe]''': Uh... I only drink on the weekend... I can drink! :'''Crow''' Existential void where prohibited. :'''Servo''': Sure, he's got a problem, but you don't have to watch him deteriorate! After all, you spent $9.95 for him. :'''Crow''': Tax and license not included. :'''Servo''': You can have hours of fun as you organize a crisis intervention for Captain Joe. :'''Joel [as [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]]''': Captain Joe, I am not gonna sit here and watch you deteriorate! :'''Joel [as [[w:Barbie|Barbie]]]''': Captain Joe, when Ken and I had you over to eat, you got drunk on cooking sherry, and made a pass at me, and threw up all over the Malibu Dream House! :'''Joel [as [[w:Donatello (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)|Donatello]]]''': Captain Joe, dude, I loved you, but I'm not gonna sit here and watch you cowa-bungle your life. :'''Servo''': And don't forget, kids, if Captain Joe refuses to deal with the issues, you can always... :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': ''[singing]'' Try to kill him with a forklift! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the film's score]'' Weee're headed for adventure! We'll leave Tammy behiiind. Weee're gonna pad out the film some more, and you'll fall asleeep- three four- Weee're climbing the sandy hill, like you really caaare... :'''Joel''': ''[starting to get annoyed]'' That's good... that's plenty. :'''Servo''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Joe''': ''[waking up after being incapacitated by Rocky]'' I'll kill that Rocky. :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Servo''': Oh-hooo, hit him. :... :'''Captain Joe''': ''[calling Rocky]'' Rocky, can you read me? :'''Crow''': Again? :'''Joel''': ... stop it. :'''Captain Joe''': Rocky! :'''Crow''': ''AGAIN?'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' STOP IT! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a desert, The Bacchus III crew walk past foliage that resembles stalks of corn.]'' :'''Crow [as one of the crew]''': Hey, corn... HEY CORN?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Well, that was fun, but if I could get a little serious for a moment. Well, I was wondering where we'd be without our boys and girls in shiny red pleather. It makes me proud to know that they're out there, somewhere... :''[singing]'' What can you see, Flying some mystic seas, Fighting for you and me, Captain Joe and the Gang When they pass by, Fitter than pumpkin pie, Steppin' in liquid dye, Time in the blue, <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bacchus III crew, wearing enemy uniforms, are about to infiltrate a secret-weapon installation.]'' :'''Rocky''': It won't be easy getting into this place. :'''Ken''': How will we do it? :'''Rocky''': Easy. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wha— wait a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ken engages Lord Halkon, leader of the Wolf Raiders, in an aerial dogfight.]'' :'''Joel''': Where have I seen this before? :'''Servo''': Oh, I don't know; [[w:Star Wars (film)|a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away]]? :'''Crow''': Yeah... :'''Joel''': Yep. === [[w:War of the Colossal Beast|War of the Colossal Beast]] === ==== [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B Natural]] (short) ==== :''[Confused about a name in the opening credits]'' :'''Joel''': What does "A.S.C." mean? :'''Servo''': "A sick cookie". :'''Joel''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the background music in the opening credits]'' :''Come on and buy some crap from us'' :''You know that you want to'' :''And the white race will salute you'' :''As you prance and gad about!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, [[w:bleacher|bleacher]]-like musical staff appears, and an unseen female voice speaks.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': Boy! Am I glad to see you! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, it's not mutual! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': [[w:Yoda|Knew your father, I did!]] :'''Joel''': Hey, leave my father out of this! :'''Mr. B Natural''': And your grandmother! And don't be too sure I wasn't in the [[w:Garden of Eden|garden]] with [[w:Adam and Eve|Mr. and Mrs. Adam]]! :'''Servo''': Yeah, you were the snake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': The spirit of music's inside all of you. :'''Crow''': No, I bathe. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... (points to the right while Servo makes missile noises) In you... (points to the left while Servo makes missile noises) In all of you! (Points straightforward while Crow imitates a missile hitting and Joel acts like he's hit) <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the high school hallway, student Jim shows his new clarinet while Buzz watches.]'' :'''Joel [as Jim]''': Got it from the [[w:Franklin Mint|Franklin Mint]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Popular high school girl Jeannie approaches Buzz invitingly]'' :'''Jeanie''': Wanna come? We could dance! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Buzz]''': Don't hit me! :'''Buzz''': No thanks... well... I mean I've got a lot of reading to do. You know, that big history essay... :'''Jeanie''': But that's not due for two weeks! :'''Buzz''': I know Jeanie... but I... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Buzz]''': ...[[w:John Hinckley, Jr.|I gotta finish my letter to Jodie Foster.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Buzz]''': ''[in a whiny voice]'' That hurt. I'm all messed up inside. If only an [[w:androgynous|androgynous]] man would come and visit me... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Meanwhile, the Midvale police visit his locker. Find out why they call him "Buzz". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Better wait 'til he calls on me, though... 'til he reaches for the ''spirit''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, calls for ''Satan''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Returning home from school, a dejected Buzz fends off his mother's concern.]'' :'''Buzz''': Nah, I better get upstairs, and... do the reading. :'''Buzz's Mother''': All right, dear. Oh, and Buzz...? :'''Crow [as Buzz's Mother]''': ''This'' time, don't make so much noise when you "read." <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Buzz's Mother]''': Why does my kid have to be such a dud? ''I'' was popular! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Whether you know it or not, you sent for me! When you reached down to grab that music, to make yourself feel better, you awakened the spirit of music inside ''you''! That's ''me'', B Natural! :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' So I'm attracted to ''guys'' now? :''[Joel nudges Servo, shaking his head as if to say "stop that!"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You sing a baby a lullaby, and it coos. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jerry Lewis|Jerry Lewis]]]''': The lull-a-baby-bye! Oh... go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural is talking about joining the school band.]'' :'''Mr. B Natural''': And wait 'til you see the kicks you get out of it, Buzz. :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The glamour of the uniform... :'''Servo''': Kicks! :'''Mr. B Natural''': The thrill of traveling for a band competition... :'''Servo''': The all-night coke jags in cheap motels! :'''Mr. B Natural''': ...just like being in a football team, and best of all, Buzz, fun, fun, fun! :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Yeah, that's nice... '''MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': When you want to show dignity, Buzz, try a French horn! :'''Joel''': Uh, Mr. B, what would ''you'' know about dignity? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural cavorts before the lifesized musical staff as "his" instruments play together.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, I think [[w:Oscar Wilde|Oscar Wilde]] only ''wished'' he was this gay, you know? :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, ''please'' accept our ''sincere'' apology for ''all'' of this. Please. :'''Crow [as Buzz]''': Forget music, I wanna dance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B dances to some music.]'' :'''Crow''': He's so perky... kill her. :'''Servo''': See, Buzz? It's really fun to be psychotic. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B appears in the music store and begins talking.]'' :'''Joel [as Buzz]''': ''[in a panicky voice]'' Mom, Dad, tell me you heard that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[in a midwestern voice]'' Oh cripes. Polish, polish, polish. That's what I do all day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shot of unpolished trumpets is shown to a background of low music.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Honey_West_(TV_series)|''Honey West!'']] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three trumpet shells are shown, with someone behind them.]'' :'''Joel''': Come on now, watch the red man. Watch for the red man, you're wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An inspector is checking a trumpet.]'' :'''Servo''': Extra value's what you get when you play the coronet. :'''Crow''': This trumpet is flatlining! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz is performing at a school dance]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': ''[singing to the music]'' We're really, really white, we're really, really, really, really white... :. . . :'''Joel''': Say, that guy's got a way with a ballad. :. . . :'''Crow [as radio host]''': Well, the old clock on the wall says that's all for the Stridex Medicated Band hour... :. . . :''[Mr. B Natural appears and gives the "okay" symbol.]'' :'''Joel''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|It stinks]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ah, but in real life, Johnny is last chair with the preschool band. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel steps in as Crow and Servo are arguing about whether Mr. B Natural was a man or a woman]'' :'''Joel''': Hey hey hey, you guys, take it easy. You're never gonna get anywhere that way; let's just get organized. I'll give you both two minutes to state your case, and then time for a short rebuttal... Okay? :'''Crow, Servo''': Okay. :'''Joel''': All right. Now, standard debate rules, I will act as arbiter... On my mark, begin, Mr. Crow! :'''Crow''': Mr. B Natural was a woman. Of this there can be no doubt. :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' Not a chance, fat bot! :'''Crow''': Hey, c'mon... :'''Joel''': ''[pushes Servo back]'' Hey hey hey! That's one penalty point for Mr. Servo; Mr. Crow, begin again! :'''Crow''': Thank you, commissioner. ''[clears throat]'' We are compelled to look on the "mister" moniker as merely a whimsical, contrived characterization in the spirit of Peter Pan, played convincingly by the late Mary Martin. And the late Cathy Rigby. And the late Sandy Duncan. And the late... :'''Joel''': Get to the point, Mr. Robot! :'''Crow''': The point, sir, is: Breasts. :'''Servo''': D'... Huh? :'''Crow''': Yes! Mr. B Natural had breasts -- a decidedly ''un''-natural thing for a man to have, don't you think, Mr. Servo? :''[Servo laughs nervously]'' :'''Crow''': When one takes into account the short jacket, the shiny leotard, the wide hips, unless one is wildly confused as my colleague seems to be, one concludes -- naturally -- that Mr. B Natural is indeed a wonderful, spritely -- albeit annoying -- woman. :'''Joel''': Thank you, Mr. T. Robot. Your response, Mr. Servo! :'''Servo''': ''[parody of a posh Ivy League accent]'' Uh, thank you, Mr. Utley. Um, uh... Ignoring the aromatic contumely held to me by my less than erudite confrère, um, no doubt places a thin veil before a tribulus(?) temperament... uh... :'''Joel''': ''[interrupting]'' Mr. Servo, I'm warning you: No [[w:William_F._Buckley_Jr.|William F. Buckley]] impersonations under threat of a point reduction! :'''Servo''': ''[normal voice]'' Okay, sorry. ''[clears throat]'' Mr. B Natural! What a guy! Yes, Mr. B Natural is a decidedly modern man. Ignoring the constrictions placed upon him by modern society, Mr. B Natural dresses as he does just as he sees fit. If this means dressing in a shimmering leotard and a powder blue note-spangled jacket, and climbing through the windows of young troubled middle-schoolers to play clarinet with them 'til the wee hours, waking them the next day to whisper in their tender ears, I say more power to him! :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, you're evading the question! :'''Servo''': If by this, sir, you mean that Mr. B Natural is a man, I challenge you to come up with any condemning evidence to the contrary! They named him Mister, and I for one have faith that they knew what they were doing. You might as well just ask me to prove that a fish is a fish! Gentlemen, it just is! As for these phantom "breasts" Mr. Robot claims to have seen, I say phooey-kaflooey. Perhaps he's been in space too long. Gentlemen, Mr. B Natural is just that. Here's wishing we could ''all'' be a little bit more like him. I yield the floor. :'''Joel''': Mr. T. Bo-rot, you have twenty minutes to rebut. :'''Crow''': ''Mr. Servo, you have got to be kidding me!'' Let's assume for the moment that Mr. B Natural ''is'' a man. My heavens, what a confusing message to send to little kids! Already there's the painful feeling of isolation. The horrible scarring acne! And Mr. Servo here would have us place a cross-dressing man with a clarinet slap-dab in their bedrooms! Why not men in Little Bo-Peep costumes with stinky cigars explaining the facts of life to our unsuspecting daughters? I for one would not... :'''Joel''': Mr. Servo, your rebuttal! :'''Servo''': Yes, yes, why not, Mr. Crow? I don't think we should stop there! Let's break down ''all'' the barriers! Hairy men in Spartan costumes holding bake sales on shady boulevards. Naked jock-strap wrestling! Big wo-- :'''Joel''': ''[abruptly ending the debate]'' Uh, gentlemen, I have commecial sign; I'm sorry. ==== War of the Colossal Beast (movie) ==== :''[Joyce Manning and others, looking for her giant brother Glenn, are in a Jeep rolling down a Mexican back-country road.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Car Occupants]''': ''[singing to "[[w:99 Bottles of Beer|99 Bottles of Beer]]"]'' :: [[One Hundred Years of Solitude|100 years of solitude]], 100 years of solitude! :: Take one down, pass it around, :: 99 years of solitude! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The searchers find a piece of a truck with a giant fingerprint.]'' :'''Joyce Manning''': Could this be Glen's? :'''Servo''': No, no, the [[w:Fingerprint#Classifying|whorl pattern]] is completely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sheriff''': ''[upon discovering a giant footprint]'' Whatever made this must have been sixty feet tall. :'''Joyce''': ''Glen'' was sixty feet tall. :'''Crow''': Think there's a connection? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a very long shot of people getting into a jeep, the jeep being started, put in reverse, turned around, and driven away]'' :'''Servo''': That's right, [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert]], spare us nothing. === [[w:The Unearthly|The Unearthly]] === ==== Posture Pals (short) ==== :''[as the short begins, a logo for Avis Films appears.]'' :'''Joel''': Avis Films, we try harder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[w:Dragnet|The story you're about to see is true. No names were changed because no one was innocent.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[the short begins with a silhouette on screen]'' :'''Joel''': My name's Sally, I'm a snackoholic. :'''Crow, Servo''': Hi, Sally. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of the four kids]'' :'''Narrator''': And these four children are especially important about the four things. :'''Joel''': 'Cause they're on the payroll. <hr width="50%"/> :''[talking about the posture contest]'' :'''Narrator''': The two boys and the two girls with the best postures will wear these posture crowns. :'''Joel''': Yeah, they'll go to Burger King and get crappy hats. :'''Narrator''': Tommy, Jimmy, Jane, and Mary are very interested in this announcement. :'''Servo''': Hey, who wouldn't be? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the kids look at their posture drawings]'' :'''Joel''': That's when the kids came up with a plan to blackmail Mrs. Reedy. :'''Narrator''': But they are not happy with what they see. :'''Servo''': They're disgusted and filled with self-loathing! :'''Narrator''': For Tommy is indeed surprised... :'''Crow [as Tommy]''': No! No! No! Uh-uh! Uh-uh! No! Uh-uh! :'''Narrator''': ...his chest looked flat because his tummy looked so round. :'''Joel''': He's got VPL. :'''Servo''': Hey, and let me tell ya... JOEL! :'''Narrator''': Now Jimmy is disturbed to see... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Nuh-uh! No! Nothing doing! That ain't gonna work! It's not flying with me, Pops! :'''Narrator''': He's leaning backward out of balance, just like a house about to fall. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Just like his dad on Friday night! :'''Narrator''': And what gives Jane her worried frown? :'''Joel''': Valium? :'''Narrator''': Look at the board. It's plain to see that Jane must practice standing straight to grow up like a lovely tree. :'''Servo''': All of a sudden, it's iambic pentameter here. :'''Narrator''': Our Mary is a happy girl... :'''Servo''': ''(imitates repeated burping)'' :'''Narrator''': ...with hollowed chest and tired head. :'''Crow''': She should jut go home to bed. ''Green Eggs and Ham''. :'''Servo''': Thank you, Sam-I-Am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Miss Martin demonstates good posture by walking slowly and stately.]'' :'''Narrator''': ...eyes are straight, the abdomen is in, the back is straight. Arms swing easily at the sides. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Here, she re-enacts her first [[w:Driving under the influence|DUI]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the girls is in her room, practicing her posture, when she notices her clown doll Bombo slumping on the dresser.]'' :'''Narrator''': Doesn't Bombo look tired? :'''Crow''': Yes, very much so. :''[The girl makes the doll sit upright.]'' :'''Joel [as Bombo]''': No, no, no, no! MY SPINE! AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! :''[Servo makes broken spine noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A montage of scenes show the posture-pal kids correcting each other's posture.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah, they're gonna take this for about a half-hour before they end up killing each other. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy and Jimmy are writing at a blackboard; Jimmy draws a crude image of a house leaning to one side]'' :'''Narrator''': Tommy reminds Jimmy&mdash; :'''Joel''': Hmm-hmm-hmm, that's you! :'''Narrator''': &mdash;when Jimmy stands off-balance. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Tears of shame pour down Tommy's face. :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': Ms. Martin! Tommy drew a bong! :'''Tom''': Heh-heh... what? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At last, the big day has come. The class is taking their second posture test. :''[A silhouette appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, it's [[w: Alfred Hitchcock|Hitchcock]]! :'''Tom''': Yeah, after [[w:Slim Fast|Slim-Fast]]! :''[All sing the [[w:Alfred Hitchcock Presents|Alfred Hitchcock Presents]] theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Miss Martin is counting votes to see who will be the king, queen, prince and princess of posture. :'''Joel''': And who will have a Sealy Posturepedic childhood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is voted posture queen]'' :'''Crow''': FIX! IT'S A RIG! FIX! :''[Miss Martin draws a crown over Mary's pose]'' :'''Servo''': Then Mary's head is lit on fire! :'''Narrator''': And the other three children win the other posture crowns. :'''Servo''': Definitely a fix. :'''Narrator''': Don't you agree that these four children deserve to win after trying so hard to improve their postures? :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': '''NO!''' :. . . :'''Crow''': Their chances of ever being cool are ruined for life. ==== Appreciating Our Parents (short) ==== :''[Little Tommy examines his neatened room. He looks in his closet.]'' :'''Narrator''': Yesterday, Tommy tore the sleeve of his favorite cowboy shirt... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...in a prison break. :'''Narrator''': ...and now, it's mended as good as new. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Tommy's the [[w:The Lathe of Heaven|Lathe of Heaven]]. ==== The Unearthly (movie) ==== :''[The camera focuses on Dr. Conway (lantern-jawed [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]) as he reassures new patient Grace.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, John — why the long face, pal? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Stress patient Natalie enters Dr. Conway's office for an appointment.]'' :'''Sharon''': Sit down, Natalie, and I'll tell him you're here. :''[Dr. Gilchrist turns to enter Dr. Conway's inner office.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sharon]''': NUTCASE NATALIE'S HERE! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Dr. Conway's mournful after-dinner organ performance, Mark gets up to check on Natalie.]'' :'''Sharon''': Don't you enjoy the doctor's music? :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Yeah, that's why I'm leavin'. : . . . :''[Conway's piece enters a repetitive passage.]'' :'''Crow [as Conway]''': I'm sorry, I can't think of the ending! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Groucho]''': [[Groucho Marx#cant-finish|I can't think of anything else!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lobo enters the room full of Dr. Conway's guests.]'' :'''Lobo''': Time for go to bed! :'''Joel''': Well said. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danny is telling a long, shaggy-dog story about a giant and Ferdinand the bull to keep Dr. Conway's dim-witted servant Lobo occupied.]'' :'''Joel''': His story has a better plot than this ''movie''... === [[w:Santa Claus Conquers the Martians|Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]] === [On The Satellite of Love] :'''Crow''': Okay, now if you all look at your sheet music, we can rehearse my new song. :'''Joel Robinson''': You wrote a Christmas song? :'''Crow''': Hey, there's no tradition like a new tradition! :'''Tom Servo''': Wait a minute, "(Let's Have) A [[w:Patrick Swayze|Patrick Swayze]] Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Uh, yeah, yeah. Based on my favorite movie, [[Road House]]. :'''Servo''': C'mon, what the heck does Patrick Swayze have to do with Christmas? :'''Crow''': Hey, you keep Christmas in your way and let me keep it in mine, okay? :'''Joel''': C'mon, Servo. It seems like a nice enough sentiment. We can give it a shot. C'mon. :'''Crow''': All right, all right. Okay: 12/8 time, key of A-flat major... Cambot, shoot 'em the tune. Okay, you'll just have to stay with me, everybody, okay? You're parts are written out. "(Let's Have) A Patrick Swayze Christmas" by Crow T. Robot. :'''Joel''': "Paul, let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas"? :'''Crow''': Right. Hit it, Cambot! [music starts] :'''Servo''': Oh. Oh, I start. I get it. Lyrics TOM Open up your heart and let the Patrick Swayze Christmas in CROW We'll gather at the Road House With our next of kin JOEL And Santa can be Our regular Saturday Night thing ALL We'll decorate a barstool And gather 'round and sing TOM Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas this year! CROW Or we'll tear your throat out And kick you in the ear :'''Joel''': Hold it, hold it a sec. Cambot, stop it. :[music stops] :'''Joel''': Uh, Crow, I don't know if I think this is an appropriate sentiment anymore for Christmas. :'''Crow''': Hey, what? Like a good action sequence don't belong at Christmas? :'''Joel''': Well, no, it's just that I've never heard of an action sequence in a Christmas carol before. :'''Crow''': Well, then grab hold of your socks and read on, Joel Robinson! '''Tom Servo''': Okay, pick it up from measure 20, Cambot. :[music resumes] :'''Tom Servo''': Lovely intro, though. Very tasteful. :'''Crow''': Thank you. TOM It's my way or the highway This Christmas at my bar CROW I'll have to smash your kneecaps if You bastards touch my car JOEL I got the word that Santa has been Stealing from the till ALL I think that that right jolly old elf Better make out his will Oh Let's have a Patrick Swayze Christmas one and all And this can be the haziest... This can be the laziest... This can be the Swayziest Christmas of them all! TOM La la la la la la Ha ha! :'''Crow''': How long before it becomes a standard? :'''Joel''': I think you've gotta come with me. C'mon! :[Joel drags Crow out] :'''Tom Servo''': We'll be right back. Save a leg for me! Heh-heh-heh-heh. :''[Joel asks the Bots what they want for Christmas.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I wanna decide who lives and who dies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits display "Martian Furniture by Fritz Hansen".]'' :'''Crow [as TV Announcer]''':For Martian Furniture, Fritz of Mars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martian leader Kimar scolds his children Girmar ([[w:Pia Zadora|Pia Zadora]]) and Bomar for watching "silly Earth programs".]'' :'''Kimar''': Now, go to sleep! :'''Girmar''': Must we go to sleep now, Father? I want to see Santa Claus some more. :'''Bomar''': I want to see more toys! :'''Kimar''': No, go to sleep! :'''Crow [as Girmar/Zadora]''': Will you [[w:Pia Zadora#Film career|buy me a Golden Globe]], then? :'''Servo [as Kimar/Riklis]''': Why, sure! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Martian spaceship (a model spewing a flickering flame) flies toward Earth.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Cricket lighter away! Cricket lighter. :'''Servo''': ''[in nerdy voice]'' You know… if they cancel ''[[w:Battlestar Galactica (1978 TV series)|Battlestar Galactica]]'', I'm gonna kill myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa and the kids are trapped in an airlock, with the door into space about to open.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': ''[cheerfully]'' Have you two ever seen a grown man scream? Santa's going to whimper like a whipped pup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa makes some toys, unaware that Volmar tampered with the machine.]'' :'''Bomar''': The doll has a teddy bear's head, and the teddy bear has a doll's head. :'''Joel [as Santa]''': Don't worry, we'll give them to [[w:Dyslexia|dyslexic kids]]. :. . . :'''Girmar''': Look, Santa! A baseball/tennis racquet! :'''Santa''': Oh, this'll never do! :'''Joel''': ''[as Santa]'' We'll have to sell this stuff to [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Santa Claus, killed in Vietnam. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Deep 13, the Mads exchange gifts.]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Forrester]]''': Ohhh, Frank! What a lovely watchband! This must have set you back a pretty penny! :'''[[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]]''': Well, actually, I, eh… didn't have any money, so I… took the liberty of hocking your Rolex and… to pay for that, heh heh… :'''Dr. Forrester''': You… hocked… my… Rolex. :'''TV's Frank''': Yah… :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's… it's called ''[[w:Final Exit|Final Exit]]''. I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money. :'''TV's Frank''': Heh heh. Oh, Henry! {{hnote|A twisted allusion to O. Henry's ''The Gift of the Magi'', about two good people who sell their own possessions to buy gifts to each other.}} === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja I]] === :''[A policeman yells from his car window through a bullhorn in a heart-pounding, made-for-television car chase.]'' :'''Sheriff Kyle''': Pull over! This is the sheriff's office! :'''Crow''': ''Office''?! That's a ''car''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Holly Trumball ([[w:Demi Moore|Demi Moore]]) and Max Keller stroll flirtatiously toward Max's van.]'' :'''Holly''': You think you, um, could stick around? I might need you. :'''Max''': I'm going off duty for the day. :'''Holly''': Oh sure, a loner, I got the scene. Just reading the classified ads in the local motel until Dick Powell comes running down the television alley at midnight with a gun in his hand. :'''Joel''': Uh, let [[w:Dennis Miller|Dennis Miller]] do Dennis Miller, Demi. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Trumball''': You got a warrant, sheriff? :'''Servo [as Sheriff Kyle]''': Yeah, I got a made-for-tv warrant right here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hear his theme music, he's around here somewhere... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Master ninja McAlister and his evil ninja nemesis Okasa meet face-to-face.]'' :'''Okasa''': The old man hired you? :'''McAlister''': I am not for hire. :'''Okasa''': We are all for hire. In dark times... :'''McAlister''': The dark times have gone. :'''Servo''': You guys speaking in [[w:haiku|haiku]] all of a sudden??? Whoa! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Max and McAllister set off for adventure in Max's custom-painted van.]'' :'''Max''': Now for the fun part...riding with a ninja. :'''Servo''': We'll be the judge of that. :'''Crow [as TV announcer]''': Chevy Van: A [[w:Quinn Martin|Quinn Martin]] production. :'''Max''': We're being followed! :'''Servo [as McAllister]''': Of course we are! We're in an action-packed, made-for-tv movie! :''[The van makes a sharp left.]'' :'''Crow [as McAllister]''': Quick! Take a turn here on [[w:Steven J. Cannell|Steven J. Cannell]] Boulevard! :'''Max''': Don't tell me why they're following us. I like surprises. :'''Crow''': Well, here's a surprise...you're already cancelled! {{hnote|Crow refers to the fact that '''Master Ninja''', rather than being a feature film, is actually two pasted-together episodes of a quickly-cancelled 1984 series called '''The Master'''.''}} :. . . :''[Max, driving his van, jumps over a hollow slope in the road in a suburban part of the town, flying over the camera in between tow separate camera angles.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBER! :''[Max makes another jump over another hollow slope, flying over the camera again.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, & Servo''': TIMBERRRRRR! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Okasa has McAllister cornered, but McAllister uses a smoke bomb to make a stealthy exit.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, ninjas never had those. :'''Servo [as Okasa]''': Damn. He knows [[w:Doug Henning|Doug Henning]]. :'''Max''': You all right? :'''Joel [as McAllister]''': I'm fine, but I'm out 20 bucks. Let's head back to the magic shop. === [[w:The Castle of Fu Manchu|The Castle of Fu Manchu]] === :'''Crow''': Staring contest on the left. Check it out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': ''This is Fu Manchu.''<br> :'''Crow''' ['''As Fu Manchu''']: And you're ''not''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': In the tropical waters of the south Atlantic, my hand stretches out to turn water into ice... :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a refrigerator. :'''Fu Manchu''': And thus, turn safety into the deadliest peril. :'''Joel''': Kinda like a Corvair, huh? :'''Fu Manchu''': In a few moments, the proof of my mastery will be complete. :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': But first, this word from Maxwell House. :''[footage of the [[w:RMS Titanic|Titanic]] is shown]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, they stole this from a [[w:A Night to Remember (1958 film)|Titanic movie]]. Look. :... :''[the ship hits the iceberg]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Lucille Ball|Lucy]] must be around here somewhere. [[w:I Love Lucy|"Ahhh, Ricky, I hit an iceberg, ahhh!"]] :... :'''Crow''': ''[as the passengers panic]'' [[w:Monty Python's Flying Circus|Women, children, spacemen, Indians, and sort of idealized representations of 16th-century Flemish merchants first.]] :... :''[as the ship continues to sink]'' :'''Crow''': And now, back to our Channel 9 movie, ''[[w:The Poseidon Adventure (1972 film)|The Poseidon Adventure]]. :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|At quarter to twelve, a main hatchway gave in, they said "Fellas, it's been good to know ya!"]] :... :''[as the ship finishes sinking]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a gurgled voice]'' [[w:The Morning After (Maureen McGovern song)|There's got to be a morning after...]] And there she goes! Yay! :'''Crow''': Well, that made no sense. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Castle of Fu Manchu; where you [[w:White Castle (restaurant)|eat square hamburgers]] with chopsticks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[while singing along to the opening credits music as it drags on]'' '''I'm bored; I'm bored of these credits already~''' :'''Crow''': C'mon, we can't keep making fun of the names. Get on with it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Petrie''': Thank you, Curt. It was very kind of you to come. :'''Joel [as Kessler]''': Well, I didn't mean to, but the new seat covers- :'''Servo''': Joel, no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fu Manchu''': This is Fu Manchu... :'''Servo [as Fu Manchu]''': And I'm an alcoholic. :'''Joel''': Hi Fu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''(as Tom, Crow, and Joel are doing a sketch of trucker characters riding magic carpets and communicating via radio)'' Hurry up, men, I'm running out of hard candy. Condition red, send in the clowns... oh, what's the use?! ''(breaks into hysterical sobbing as Crow and Joel enter)'' :'''Crow''': Ah, man, Joel, he's totally off-script! There's nothing that says anything about sobbing like a broken man! :'''Joel''': Yeah, you're right; let's see here... Tom says "Time formation, men. These kids are all over me; argh". It just says "Argh", there's nothing about sobbing pitifully. :'''Servo''': ''(while still crying)'' I can't do it guys, I just can't do it! I can't go through another sketch loosely based off some vague reference in the movie! There are only a few kinds of fezes in this movie, then suddenly we're the Sahara Shriners riding flying carpets on Maxwell street days! Oh, why?!? Get me out of here!! :'''Crow''': I don't understand; how is this sketch any different than anything else we do during the movie? :'''Joel''': Well, I figure, Crow, it's not the sketch, it's this movie. I mean, look at him; he's just a broken man. :'''Servo''': You're telling me! There's absolutely no psychological footholds in this movie! It's like trying to climb El Capitan! There's something wrong with me... there's something wrong with me!! Why? Why?!? ''(sobs uncontrollably)'' :'''Crow''': Better you than me! :'''Joel''': Oh, Crow, c'mon... ''(addresses Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank in disgust)'' Look at what you've done to him! Do you see what you've done to this guy?! Come on! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(watching the scene unfold in satisfaction alongside Frank)'' You see Frank, it feels good to be with the winners, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fu Manchu reveals an unconscious man he wants Dr. Kessler to operate on]'' :'''Dr. Kessler''': What's wrong with that man? :'''Crow''': Nothing at all! :'''Fu Manchu''': There is nothing wrong with him, doctor, he is in perfect physical condition. :'''Servo''': I'll say. :'''Fu Manchu''': And unlike Professor Heracles, his heart is as sound as a bell. :'''Joel''': Bong! :'''Fu Manchu''': Do you not agree, doctor, that Professor Heracles should have that splendid heart? :'''Joel [as Kessler]''' ''[flustered]'' Uh, if it comes with that beefy chest! :'''Dr. Kessler''': But that man is not dead or dying! :'''Crow''': [[w:The Princess Bride (film)|He's only ''mostly'' dead!]] :'''Fu Manchu''': ... he will die, for the sake of science. :'''Dr. Kessler''': And for your sake also. :'''Fu Manchu''': I need Heracles to complete my plans. I need him alive, conscious, coherent. :'''Servo''': I wish this '''MOVIE''' WERE CONSCIOUS AND COHERENT!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What's the deal with Fu Manchu, anyway? It's not like he's really evil; he's just dull! He's like some twisted beauracrat in silk jammies! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''(after trying, and failing, to cheer the bots up with a sketch about the backstory of Fu Manchu; crying)'' Oh, what's the use?! Why am I up here? What are you doing to us?! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(mockingly)'' '''[[The Wizard of Oz|Auntie Em, Auntie Em!]]''' <hr width="50%"/> ''(Fu Manchu sits down; the crew all make raspberry noises)'' :'''Servo''': Oh... King's on his throne. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(gloating over their perceived victory in leaving Joel and the bots broken by the movie)'' Well, we should be expecting your surrender any moment now. :'''Joel''': [[It's a Wonderful Life|You haven't won, Dr. Forrester; you've lost. And I feel sorry for you. You're nothing but a sad little man in a hole in the ground who can only feel power by hurting others.]] Well, we won because, we survived, and we survived because, well, we're Robinsons, roughly. That's what Robinsons do is survive, basically, and well, if you think it's so easy, well, YOU should try and watch a movie sometime! :'''Dr. Forrester''': You're sounding like a [[w:Hallmark Cards, Inc.|Hallmark card]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': ''(after Forrester and Frank attempt to riff on the movie themselves, only to quit after one scene)'' You know, we could've made funny comments, but the movie wasn't that good. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''(angrily)'' Frank! :'''Joel, Crow, and Servo''': Gotcha! === [[w:The Master (American TV series)|Master Ninja II]] === :''[After Max tries and fails to flirt with a girl and she walks away]'' :'''McAlister''': I'm not used to seeing them walk away from you. :'''Servo''': Usually they run away screaming. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Blubbering, thickheaded pseudo-heartthrob Max (Timothy Van Patten) attempts to converse with spunky union organizer Carrie.]'' :'''Max''': I'm here. Are you? :'''Carrie''': Yeah, I'm here. Oh Max, a long day. :'''Max''': I hear ya. [''The camera lingers on Van Patten hopefully, as though awaiting a sharper quip. Nothing comes.''] :'''Servo [as Carrie]''': You're a wry wit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, in Max's van, Carrie drones on and on while Max listens wearily.]'' :'''Joel''': You know you're boring when you're boring a Van Patten. == Season 4 == === [[w:Marooned (1969 film)|Space Travelers]] === :''[The astronauts are discussing sleeping to preserve oxygen]'' :'''Crow''': Well I have sleep apnea so I won't need much. === [[w:The Giant Gila Monster|The Giant Gila Monster]] === :'''Joel''': Hey Gypsy, come here! ''[Gypsy starts to appear from underneath Joel]'' :'''Joel''': Gypsy, no! It's too small! :''[Everyone including Gypsy screams as she inadvertently knocks everyone down, including the entire Malt Shop.]'' :'''Gypsy''': These two, nothing but trouble... Back after this. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's title appears on the screen]'' :'''Joel, Crow & Servo''': ''[singing to tune of [[w:Hava Nagila|Hava Nagila]]]'': Havah la gila, havaaaaah la gila! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase is singing endless repetitions of his song's chorus.]'' :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, children, laugh!" :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': I just wanna know if the Lord said it this many times in a row. :'''Chase''': ''[singing]'' The Lord said, "Laugh, laugh, laugh!" :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's why the Deuteronomy's so long. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Chase sings, the giant gila monster bursts through the wall.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Gila Monster]''': And the Lord said, "Die, children, die!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Chase's nitro-laden hot rod careens towards the Gila Monster.]'' :'''Servo [as [[Apocalypse Now|Colonel Kurtz]]]''': The horror! The horror! :''[The hot rod collides with the lizard and explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, they killed off the only likeable character! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chase gets two twenty dollar bills as payment.]'' :'''Chase''': Two twenties! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That makes thirty dollars! === [[w:City Limits (1985 film)|City Limits]] === :'''TV's Frank''': It's none other than British pop star, [[Morrissey]]!... He's a little depressed. :''[Frank turns to Morrissey]'' :'''TV's Frank''': So Morrissey, uh, how ya' doin'? :'''Morrissey''': ''[turns to Dr. Forrester]'' He hurt me with that remark. Did I mention that I cried? :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I mean, c'mon Morrissey. We're basically evil, granted, but a lot of what we say is just good-natured ribbing. :'''Morrissey''': Well, it hurt me. Did I mention that I cried? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Morrissey''': This is a song that I wrote in a time in my life when I was very, very, very sad. Breakfast, actually. It's called "Hairdresser in a Coma": ''I cried last night, I died a million deaths. Thinking of your sweet face, and the way you sing. I cried inside, we lied and died. And then I cried again. I must have wept for hours...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Woody and Yogi ([[w:Rae Dawn Chong|Rae Dawn Chong]]), two young ruffians, are mildly injured in a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.]'' :'''Woody''': I lost a tooth. :'''Servo [as Yogi]''': Oh Jeez, I told you to floss! :''[Woody spits his tooth out as Yogi giggles with unwarranted glee.]'' :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Gee, I'll lose an arm and you'll really crack up. :'''Joel''': This guy's just funny, you can't explain it...you can't explain it, he's just funny. :'''Servo''': He'll pass a stone in a minute that'll make ya howl. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sammy, a spastic gang member, eats cat food from a can]'' :'''Sammy''': It's Pussy Nibbles! It's good! :'''Joel''': Oh, this is so offensive on so many levels. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Behind a security blockade a line of people are being silently unloaded from a truck and led into a building.]'' :'''Servo''': No acting beyond this point. Not allowed. :'''Crow''': The illegal smuggling of mimes. Nobody ever talks about it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flamboyantly dressed motorcyclist rides in, following a series of fiery explosions.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, wait, can we all just check our scripts, please? ...oh, I guess it ''does'' say that [[w:Boy George|Boy George]] rides in flinging molotov cocktails. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick, a rival gang leader, admonishes Woody]'' :'''Mick''': You're nothin'. :'''Joel [as Woody]''': Oh yeah? Well you're a... dumb... head. :'''Mick''': I mean, back where you came from you may be somethin', but— :'''Crow [as Woody]''': Nope. Pretty much squat there, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mick''': We ain't stupid. :'''Bolo''': Nobody's calling anybody stupid, Mick. :'''Crow''': Not on screen anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Clippers gang approaches a house, only to have a gunshot hit the ground in front of them]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Austin'' City Limits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Albert ([[w:James Earl Jones|James Earl Jones]]) is carrying out an aerial attack on the villains' headquarters using explosive-laden R/C model aircraft.]'' :'''Servo [as Albert]''': [[w:CNN#CNN in popular culture|This is F.U.N.]] === [[w:Teenagers from Outer Space (film)|Teenagers from Outer Space]] === :''[The mature alien captain emerges from the spaceship.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:08:16 --> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Wow, really ''old'' teenagers from outer space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek holds his shipmates at gunpoint to prevent the release of the gargon.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:12:40 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': When we return to our planet, the High Court may well sentence you to ''torture''! :'''Joel, [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''TORCHAA!!'' <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 0:13:37 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': ''We'' have the [[w:Pizza#Types of pizza|supreme pizzas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Thor holds Derek at gunpoint.]'' :'''Thor''': Before the high court has you executed, you should be made to watch what happens when we return here with the gargans! By the elements alone, they will grow to millions of times their original size in less time than it takes for the sun to rise and fall." :'''Crow T. Robot''': You mean a ''day?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, armed with a dead cop's gun, looks for Thor along the street.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 0:46:37 --> :'''Joel [as Derek/Freddy]''': ''[singing to "[[w:On the Street Where You Live|On the Street Where You Live]]"]'' :: I have often walked down the street before, :: But I've never done it packing heat before… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Derek, driving a car, recalls his captain's earlier contempt for humanity.]'' <!-- TIMECODE: 1:16:13 --> :'''Spacecraft Captain''': ''We'' are the supreme race! ''We'' have the supreme weapons! :'''Crow''': Ahh, turn [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]] off! <hr width="50%"/> <!-- TIMECODE: 1:26:03 --> :'''Betty''': Where are you from Derek? :'''Joel [as Derek]''': A place called "Studsville". Population: "Me". === [[w:Time Walker|Being from Another Planet]] === :'''TV's Frank''': ''[introducing figurines he and Dr. Forrester call [[w:Precious Moments, Inc.|Tragic Moments]], panning to a figure of a crying boy cradling the body of his dead dog]'' Sure, Grandma will cry when she sees her lovely gift, but for very different reasons. This first one is entitled "Sparky's Last Romp"; and these beautiful, handcrafted figurines depict little Billy's first hard lesson in life, plus what happens when a dog teases a cow way past the breaking point. ... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Others in the collection include ''He Raises a Hand in Anger'', ''World's Deadest Grandma'' and ''Dad's Liquid Breakfast''. ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Joel and the Bots voice their disapproval]'' You should be locked up for being that evil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is demonstrating his Invention Exchange presentation: a [[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]] impersonation kit]'' :'''Joel''': It makes anything you say worth listening to; isn't that right? :'''Crow''': ''[using the impersonation kit]'' I just purchased a new shovel today. Its cost: 15 dollars. Believe it... or not. :'''Joel''': Or you can use it to scare your friends. ''[to Servo]'' Hey, is your name said Jack Palance or Jack Pa-'''lance'''? :'''Servo''': ''[using the kit]'' That- would be a decision for '''you''' to make. '''''Choose wisely...''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching the title credit]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You know, Being from Another Planet, I didn't have much to do with this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[reading over the cast names]'' James Karen? Boy, he has an identity problem. :'''Joel''': Sam Chew [Jr]? :'''Crow''': Gesundheit. :'''Joel''': Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[two main characters discover a tomb while the camera shifts to skeletal remains with its jaw open]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as skelton/[[w:Martha Raye|Martha Raye]]]'' Hi, I'm Martha Raye, the Big Mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peter has brought the stolen mummy crystals to a jeweler for appraisal]'' :'''Jeweler''': Worthless. :'''Peter''': Worthless?! :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': Yeah, your career, that is. :'''Peter''': What do you mean worthless?! :'''Jeweler''': I mean they're not precious. :'''Servo [as Jeweler]''': ''You're'' precious. :'''Peter''': They're 3000 years old! They're ancient, man! :'''Jeweler''': Well, who told you that? Some hustler in...? :'''Crow''': I don't read ''Hustler''. :'''Peter''': Forget it! ''[takes the crystals back]'' :'''Servo''': I'm gonna find those strawberries... :'''Peter''': Clown! :'''Joel [as Jeweler]''': Take that back, or I'll squirt you with my flower! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of hospital]'' :'''Servo''': ...and now, ''[[W:Trapper John, M.D.|Trapper John, M.D.]]''! :'''Crow''': Boy, Tra-Trapper John, M.D. lives right next door to ''[[w:Medical Center (TV series)|Medical Center]]''! :'''Servo''': Yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during a radio show]'' :'''Linda''': And now, a special message for those ''naughty'' boys and girls who took the institute's mummy. Here's my in-studio guest, our own Professor Douglas McCadden. :'''Crow''': Wow, hot show. :'''Douglas''': Thank you very much, Linda. To whom it may concern... :'''Crow''': ''[as Douglas]'' '''GIVE IT BACK, GIVE IT BACK, YOU SONS OF-!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Linda Flores (portrayed by [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]]) is shown working as a university radio disc jockey]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Linda]'' Now here's [[w:Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)|The Banana Boat Song]] by a little someone I'd like to call [[w:Harry Belafonte|Dad]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[the mummy reappears on-screen]'' Oh no; it's that thing again! The thing that's grinding the plot to nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill has been stood up by a woman at a fraternity party]'' :'''Bill''': Damn! That's it. I'm through with women! I'm gonna be a priest! ''[is suddenly surrounded by multiple girls who greet him]'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oh, a priest? We love priests! :'''Joel [as a girl]''': ''[seductively]'' Forgive me, Father, for I have ''sinned!'' :'''Crow [as a girl]''': Oooh, I'm ''about'' to. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the scientists rushes to claim a stray crystal for the mummy's (actually a space alien's) device that got left behind]'' :'''Servo''': Big mistake. :''[the scientist's hand starts to corrode from a flesh-eating virus from the crystal as he cries out in agony]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:M&Ms|They're not supposed to melt your hand]]. :'''Servo''': Hate that; the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[over the credits]'' You know, I think this is the worst movie we've ever seen here. :'''Joel''': Really? What about Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy? :'''Servo''': Worse (than that), worse. :'''Crow''': What about Sidehackers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Cave Dwellers? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Crow''': Catalina Caper? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Pod People? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Hellcats? :'''Servo''': Oh, worse. :'''Joel''': Daddy-O? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Crow''': Rocket Attack USA? :'''Servo''': Worse. :'''Joel''': Earth vs. the Spider? :'''Servo''': Definitely worse. :'''Crow''': Ring of Terror? :'''Servo''': Worse! :'''Joel''': It Conquered the World? :'''Servo''': Uh... yeah, worse! ''[Some time later]'' :'''Joel''': The Manchingo Coniglium? :'''Servo''': ''[uncertain]'' Oh, huh? :'''Crow''': Hey, Teenagers from Outer Space was much, much better! :'''Servo''': [This movie]'s a ton worse. ''[even later still]'' :'''Crow''': How about The Castle of Fu Manchu? :'''Servo''': Okay, I'll grant you The Castle of Fu Manchu was ''just as bad'', but we've never done a '''worse''' film! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester jams Frank's Thighmaster through his head as punishment for letting himself be goaded into yet again nearly freeing Joel and the bots]'' :'''Frank''': I may not have been born with a lobotomy, but now I can look like I was. ''[collapses onto the button to end the experiment]'' === [[w:Attack of the Giant Leeches|Attack of the Giant Leeches]] === :''[On the SOL bridge, two clowns caper about on the hexfield viewscreen.]'' :'''Clown #1''': Have I shown you my magical, whimsical squirting flower? :'''Servo''': Yes, about a ''kajillion times''! :'''Clown #1''': Ooohhh... well, have I shown you my rash? :''[Joel and the Bots scream. Joel holds a pair of wire cutters and prepares to snip a wire.]'' :'''Joel''': Hi, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I came up with this Holo-Clown Sequencer to cheer up the Bots but now I can't get it to shut off and it's getting hard to sleep at night and I'm tasting metal! :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Hey, little girl! Do you want a salted nut roll? :''[The Bots all scream again, as does Clown #1.]'' :'''Clown #2''': ''[to Clown #1]'' Stop it! Stop screaming! You think I like being stuck in limbo with you? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!! :'''Crow''': Joel, this is getting too weird; you gotta do something! :'''Joel''': I'm working on it! :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, Do something! I hate these clowns, and I don't even exist! :'''Clown #1''': Joel Robinson! Don't you do that! Don't you do that! :'''Joel''': ''[to the Clowns]'' I have to do it! I HAVE to do it! ''[Joel finally manages to turn off the screaming deranged clowns from the hexfield viewscreen, thus putting them out of their misery.]'' :'''Crow''': Well! Let's not do ''that'' again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester is preparing to demonstrate his leech nicotine patch on Frank]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Wait; no! I'm the sum of my vices! I want to live! I want to live and love and laugh in life and live- :'''Dr. Forrester''': But this won't hurt a bit! :'''TV's Frank''': ''[completely changes his tune]'' ...Okay! ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 1 (short) ==== :''[Ray "Crash" Corrigan is given a physical by Naval doctors.]'' :'''Doctor #1''': Fine chap. I wish we had more like him! :'''Crow [as Doctor #2]''': Keep your mind on your work, Ron. You're in enough trouble as it is! :'''Doctor #2''': He'll make a fine Naval officer. :'''Servo''': He'll make several of them! ==== Attack of the Giant Leeches (movie) ==== :''[Sultry Liz slips out of her kimono, revealing a black bra and leopard-print panties.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, Mommy! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:Honey West|Honey West]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Joel, I thought underwear was supposed to match. === [[w:The Killer Shrews|The Killer Shrews]] === :''[it's Present Day for the Bots]'' :'''Gypsy''': What did I get? :'''Crow''': Oh, Gypsy, you didn't get anything; Joel forgot he even '''had''' a robot named Gypsy! :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Quiet, Crow! You want to ruin Present Day by being naughty?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[later on]'' What did I get? Me next! :'''Joel''': I saved the best for last- I got you... dress slacks from J.C. Penney. :'''Crow''': ''[dumbfounded]'' ...Oh. :'''Joel''': Oh, come on, it's a great gift; you can wear it for dressy or casual... I'm gonna have to get you a nice polo top though... :'''Crow''': ''[crestfallen as the other Bots laugh at him]'' Thank you for the pants... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Your movie for today's experiment makes even ''me'' sick—and I liked ''[[w:Morgan Stewart's Coming Home|Morgan Stewart's Coming Home]]''. It's called "The Killer Shrews", and it stars James Best from ''[[The Dukes of Hazzard]]'', so Frank is excited about it. :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, it was my favorite show; what can I say? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank has a nasty stomachache from drinking the excessively sugary "Killer Shrew" shake]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Here, Frank, drink this. ''[hands Frank a flask]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Thank you; what is it anyway? :'''Dr. Forrester''': An ipecac. ''[Frank starts spewing as he hits the button to end the experiment]'' ==== Junior Rodeo Daredevils (short) ==== :''[The title screen displays "Junior Rodeo Daredevils".]'' :'''Narrator''': Junior Rodeo Daredevils. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Narrator]''': Smothered in gravy—Texas style! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator:''' Sheriff Billy's got a hangin' tree all set up for 'em. :'''Crow:''' Hey, kids, you ever read ''[[w:The Ox-Bow Incident (novel)|The Ox-Bow Incident]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Seems like most everybody in town's turned out for the great day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': All nine of 'em. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as Rodeo Announcer]''': And the crowd goes wild! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[dully]'' [[w:Tom Slick (cartoon)|Yay]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a successful cattle roping]'' :'''Narrator''': Eight seconds. :'''Joel [as the boy]''': Yup, I'm hot. That's me pretty much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': He rides that horse like he was glued to the saddle. :'''Joel [as the rider]''': ''I ammmmmmmmm!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the kids walks off after being thrown off his horse]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as boy, indignantly]'' Go ahead; strip me of my dignity at age four! What are you all looking at?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy Slater is handing out trophies and participation medals to the kids, momentarily shaking hands with one girl]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Billy Slater]'' I loved you in [[The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Parent Trap]], [[w:Hayley Mills|by the way]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, the Junior Rodeo is here to stay. And nobody's happier about it than Old Timer Billy Slater. :'''Joel''': It's sad, really. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the tune of ''[[w:Home on the Range|Home on the Range]]'']'' ...And the guys are not clowning all dayyyeeeeEEEEE!!! ==== The Killer Shrews (movie) ==== :''[The narrator describes the voracious [[w:shrew|shrew]].]'' :'''Narrator''': He ''must'' eat his own body weight every few hours… :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …[[w:Slim Fast#Marketing|plus a delicious shake]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title screen displays "The Killer Shrews".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': Starring Joan Collins and Jackie Collins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on the boat, Captain Sherman spots something through his binoculars.]'' :'''Sherman''': Hey, Rook!, Rook, come here! :'''Crow [as Sherman]''': These things make everything look bigger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Arriving at Dr. Craigis's house, Sherman looks up at the giant antenna on the roof.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Sherman]''': I've fallen in with a group of ham radio operators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are on the bridge of the [[w:Satellite of Love|SOL]].]'' :'''Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! :: Don't know the diff'rence 'tween me and you! :: He comes out at night to give you a fright. :: Don't look now, but he's gonna take a bite! :: Doh, di-dih doh, di-dih doh, dugga dugga duh :: Killer shrew! Killer shrew! K-I-double-L-E-R shrew! :: He's scary and tough, if that ain't enough. :: He's augmented with bath mats an' stuff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rook sees a dark, dog-like killer "shrew" advancing toward him.]'' :'''Servo''': Puppies! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of the group walks further into the woods to go out on their own]'' :'''Servo''': ''[in a sing-song tone]'' You're gonna die from shrew bites; you're gonna die from shrew bites! Shrew bites, shrew bites~! === [[w:Hercules Unchained|Hercules Unchained]] === :''[Ulysses shoots down a quail.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Announcer]''': Hardly ''any'' animals were hurt in the making of this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': [''singing''] Last nIIIIIIIGHT! ''[bashes her face into the harp]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ulysses, wild over Hercules' recovery, chases after scantily clad servant girls.]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ulysses]''': I'm cuckoo for [[w:Cocoa Puffs|Cocoa Puffs]]! Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Kennedy family|Kennedys]] ruled Greece. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can't seem to keep awake! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Uh, that'd be the definition of "sleepy"! === [[w:Indestructible Man|Indestructible Man]] === :''[the Bots decide to prank Joel by switching their programming around into each other]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[as Magic Voice]'' Commercial sign! Commercial sign; pretty soon! :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Gypsy]'' Loading Richard Basehart remark. Richard Basehart remark in 5, 4, 3... Richard Basehart now. :'''Joel''': Okay; I think I get it now. :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow]'' No, you don't; you've gone crazy! :'''Crow''': ''[as Servo]'' I think you're insane, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel tries to replicate Lon Chaney Jr.'s trademark eye squint, with Cambot zoomed in on Joel's face]'' :'''Servo''': Joel, what are you doing? :'''Joel''': I'm doing an experiment. :'''Crow''': Oh; I thought someone replaced the monitor with a Jack-o-lantern! :'''Joel''': Oh, bite me; it's for- ''[Crow and Servo do just that]'' -Ow! :'''Crow''': What? You said, "bite me". ==== [[w:Undersea Kingdom|Undersea Kingdom]], Chapter 2 (short) ==== :'''Joel''', '''Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[singing to the opening credits theme]'' Hey, it's the Undersea Kingdom; for you and for me where the men are in dresses! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [''imitates Billy''] Shut up, Diane! <hr width="50%"/> :''[one faction of the Atlanteans charge through the canyon as their white head-dresses trail behind them]'' :'''Joel''': Hey; it's Jim Henson's [[w:Birth of a Nation|Birth of a Nation]] [[w:Muppet Babies (1984 TV series)|Babies]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Atlanteans charge down a hill as the short ends]'' :'''Joel''': Oh; big hill, everybody! :''[the screen abruptly flashes to a title card for the next episode]''{{hnote|They never did get to any future episodes of the serial.}} :'''Servo''': Well, whaddaya know? <hr width="50%"/> :''[the S.o.L. gang hold a parade based around the Undersea Kingdom short]'' :'''Crow''': ''[narrating as Allen Thick, as Tom Servo floats by as a parade float]'' And here's a perennial favorite: the lovable Tom Servo from TV's Mystery Science Theater 3000; he portrays Dr. Norton's submarine from- :'''Joel''': -The Undersea Kingdom! Did you know it took 18 seamstresses working around the clock for three months to bring the plucky little bot to life? :'''Gypsy''': ''[as the parade Grand Marshall]'' [[w:F-Troop|It is balloon]]! :'''Joel''': And Tom is filled with over 15,000 cubic yards of hydrogen. :'''Crow''': I think you mean helium. ==== Indestructible Man (movie) ==== :''[Our narrator, Police Lt. Chasen, wonders who could possibly believe a dead man could come back to life.]'' :'''Joel''': Only millions of Christians. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lon Chaney, Jr. wanders around a warehouse-like room after being brought back from the dead.]'' :'''Joel''': He's wandered into a Mr. Bulky's. :'''Crow [as Chaney]''': Let's see now... licorice whips, jujubes, slowpokes, Lon Chaney Junior Mints... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' Man; I gotta take an indestructible whiz. . . . :'''Joel''': ''[later, over a scene of a police car]'' Officers, be on the lookout for donuts! :'''Servo''': Joel, those donut jokes are starting to get old real fast. :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' Oh, pardon me, Tom "I gotta take an indestructible whiz" Servo... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having taken several bullets, a bazooka round, and a blast from a flamethrower, Lon Chaney emerges from the sewer much the worse for wear.]'' :'''Servo''': Now I think he's just the incredibly resilient man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Lon Chaney]'' I may be indestructible, but I still hurt inside! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Chasen explains to his new girlfriend, Eva, that he got her fired from her exotic dancer job, right before proposing to her.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, please. He should quit ''his'' job. Strippers make way more money than cops! === [[w:Hercules Against the Moon Men|Hercules Against the Moon Men]] === :''[Repeated Lines]'' : '''Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank''': DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING! DEEEEEEEP HUUUURRRRTING!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[TV's Frank gets high from Joel's invention: "Super Freak Out" which consists of him, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy in rock and roll outfits]'' :'''Joel''': What do you think, sirs? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I'm a scientist; I don't ''think'', I '''''observe'''''. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': See me, feel me, touch me! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh great, You've triggered a Freak Out in Frank. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Push the button, Frank. :'''TV's Frank [high]''': I ''am'' the button. ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the bots sing an ode to pants]'' :'''Joel''': What keeps our legs all warm and hot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Crow''': What prevents a buffalo shot? :'''All''': Pants! :'''Tom''': [[The Wizard of Oz|What do they got that I ain't got?]] :'''Joel''' and '''Crow''': ...Pants. :'''Tom''': [[w:Bert Lahr|Well, you]] [[w:The Cowardly Lion|can say that again...]] Huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alan Steele, playing as Hercules, rides high in the saddle]'' :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Yep, That's my cue! Big Alan Steele! Splash me on in the morning, wear the great smell of ''me'' all day long! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two soldiers walk down a hallway]'' :'''Joel [as Soldier/Little Caesar]''': [[w:Little Caesars|Pizza, pizza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Queen of the Moon Men reverts back to a corpse thanks to Hercules interrupting the resurrection ceremony.]'' :'''Joel''': This film has ''aged'' me... :'''Crow''': I know how she feels. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Princess]''': Herc, you gonna help us move? :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs me my life. :'''Hercules''': Now see them both safely back to the city. :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Even if it costs you my life. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men unleash rock monsters.]'' :'''Joel''': It's the [[w:Monsters of Rock|Monsters of Rock]] Tour! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules has just killed one of the rock monsters by throwing it against a wall.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Don't let him get you over his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of barren moonscape]'' :'''Servo''': We seem to be in some sort of [[w:Limbo|Limbo]] zone. :'''Crow''': [[w:Rush Limbaugh|Rush Limbaugh]]? :'''Joel''': No, that would be more like [[w:Hell|Hell]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Moon Men's rock monsters lumber towards the queen's sister, Billis.]'' :'''Servo [as a rock monster]''': Wanna get ''stoned''? ''[pretended deep evil maniacal laughter]'' :'''Crow [as Bob Dylan]''': [[w:Rainy Day Women #12 & 35|Everybody must get stoned!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Gypsy, did you realize that Walter Pigeon was the original Admiral Nelson in the film version of Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea? :'''Gypsy''': No way... :'''Crow''': Not Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy [upset]''': '''''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! JOOOOOEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLL!!!''' '' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[reading fan letter, a child's crayon scribble on graph paper]'' Cambot, put this up on still-store, there's no print, but it's a really good drawing of me, and, Crow, and... Servo... on the bridge...? :'''Crow''': ''[matter-of-factly]'' It's really not that good! :'''Joel''': Come with me, mister! ''[grabs Crow by the net and drags him off-screen]'' :'''Crow''': AAAAAAGH! === [[w:The Magic Sword (1962)|The Magic Sword]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well [[w:Jimmy Smits|Jimmy Smits]], your movie today is roasted fresh from the kitchens of [[w:Bert I Gordon|Bert I Gordon]]. It's a fetid little piece of tripe featuring [[w:sword and sorcery|sword and sorcery]], Gary Lockwood and an embarrassed [[w:Basil Rathbone|Basil Rathbone]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The knights face an ogre.]'' :'''Joel''': [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]], no! <hr width="50%"/> :''[George fights a two-headed dragon.]'' :'''Joel''': Lighten up, they’re just puppets! :'''Crow''': Hey... :'''Joel''': Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[George taps a fellow knight with his sword.]'' :'''Crow''': I dub you Sir Moron. Come on, dummy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel,Servo and Crow are on the SOL, Crow singing about his new love, Estelle.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' She's CUTE! She's ROOTY-TOOT-TOOT! I bet she smells like JUICY FRUIT! :'''Tom Servo''': EEAUGHHH! :'''Crow''': ''[continues singing, ignoring Servo]'' She can even play a wiiitch...She was even on Bewiiiitched...And I'm BEWILDERED and BOTHERRRRRRED! === [[w:Hercules and the Conquest of Atlantis|Hercules and the Captive Women]] === :''[the movie opens proper with a map of the Greek city of Thebes]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Bonanza|Bonanza]]! :'''Servo''': And if that map burns, it'll be a [[w:Greece|Greece]] [[w:Class B fire|fire]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gypsy makes a rare theater appearance during the beginning of this episode. The movie features a scene with some "good-natured brawling" going on between a large group of men.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, stop fighting! Everybody stop fighting! :'''Joel''': ''[trying to hide his amusement]'' Um, it's...it's okay, Gypsy. It's just a movie. :'''Gypsy''': ''[catching herself]'' Oh?...Oh! Sorry, sorry... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules and company ride their horses through a patch of fog]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, get this, they're steam cleaning the horses! :'''Joel''': ''[impressed]'' All right, Gypsy! Good one! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[during a scene where Androcles speaks with Hercules and his Council in Thebes; to Joel and the others]'' Hey, you guys; I just remembered, I have a million things to do. :'''Joel''': Gypsy, you can't leave! You were the one that wanted to sit through the whole experiment! :'''Gypsy''': ''[uneasy]'' That was before... I knew... and then there were these things, and now I have to go do them. :'''Crow''': Well, Gypsy, if you can't stand the heat- :'''Joel''': That's okay, Gypsy, run along; it's really fine. ''[Gypsy leaves the theater as the film continues; aside to the bots]'' She did her best. I don't want you guys making fun of- :'''Crow''': ''[shushes Joel]'' Watch the movie, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[recurring, as Timoteo]'' [[Dirty Harry|I have my rights; I have my rights! It was Harry Callaghan!!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank demonstrates a hybrid lawnmower/baby pram and nearly jostles one of the babies in the Deep 13 daycare]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[horrified]'' Frank! You could've hurt baby Melvin! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Princess Ismene is introduced; delirious and shackled behind an enchanted section of wall rock]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Say; are you a captive woman? :'''Ismene''': ''[wearily]'' Kill me... :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' ...with kindness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Hercules and shape-shifting Proteus fight, the latter god turns into a lion, growling]'' :'''Crow''': Kitty! :'''Servo''': Suddenly it's a [[w:Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer|MGM]] film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Proteus, turning back into his lizard monster form]'' I'm back; I'll be your tour guide through Hell! Ha ha! :'''Joel''': ''[as Servo imitates the lizard yipping]'' [[The Flintstones|Dino]]! Steam Dragon; steamin' mad at Herc! :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Dragon|Daryl Dragon]]. :'''Joel''': ''[as Ismene]'' I love it when men and lizards fight over me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a shot of Hercules laughing mirthfully]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, it's [[w:Chaim Topol|Topol]]! :'''Crow''': The smokers' tooth polish? :'''Joel''': No; the hard to work with actor. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules defeats Proteus, the clouds part, and a heavenly chorus is heard.]'' :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Simpsons|The Simpsons...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hercules''': ''[after seeing a vision of Androcles calling for Hercules' help, and prays to Zeus]'' Oh omnipotent Zeus... :'''Servo''': ''[as an answering machine]'' Hi; Zeus is not in right now, but if you'd like to leave a message... :'''Hercules''': ...Hear my plea... :'''Crow''': Not guilty by reason of insanity! :'''Hercules''': If Androcles is still alive- :'''Joel''': ''[sung]'' [[w:In the Year 2525|In the year 3535...]] :'''Hercules''': Pray thee that we might meet again; if it may be in my power to save him. Oh, Zeus, my father! :'''Crow''': ''[as Zeus]'' I'm not your real father; it was Poseidon! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ismene''': Today is dedicated to Uranus. :'''Crow''': ''[as Hercules]'' Why thank you, I'm flatte- huh? . . . :''[Hercules first confronts Antinea over Ismene's attempted sacrifice to Proteus, and is assailed by Antinea's forces]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Hercules]'' You're supposed to be nice to me! Today is dedicated to my- :'''Joel''': We know! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': When in Chicago, visit the coal mine at the museum of Science and Industry on the Lakefront. <hr width="50%"/> :''[one of Antinea's soldiers asks for forgiveness after his men were overpowered by Hercules' son Hylas and Timoteo who rescued Ismene]'' :'''Antinea''': You're right; it '''won't''' happen again. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' Because you're fired! :'''Crow''': ''[as a pit of acid opens in the floor]'' Not the commode! :'''Joel''': I knew it; death by chocolate. :'''Soldier''': ''[begging]'' No; don't kill me! :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier]'' Don't make me take a bath! :'''Joel''': ''[as the soldier is forced into the pit]'' You can't do that; I have tubes in my ears! You're gonna get in trouble so bad! Whoa! :'''Crow''': It'll kill him, but it'll do wonders for his arthritis. :'''Servo''': ''[as soldier; in the pit gurgling]'' Is it too late to request a last meal? ''[the soldier is soon reduced to corroded skeletal remains]'' :'''Crow''': Another [[w:Jenny Craig (businesswoman)|Jenny Craig]] success story. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as Atlantis crumbles and citizens die in the climax]'' For Herc, these are just acceptable losses. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo made a Hercules action figure- which seems to have only one action phrase]'' :'''Hercules''': I'm so sleepy I can barely keep my eyes open. :'''Servo''': Okay, we admit it; our action figure's lame- lame! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' We're failures, Tommy; failures! :'''Joel''': No, don't say that! You put your best foot forward. :'''Servo''': I don't even '''have''' '''''a foot'''''! ''[cries again]'' :'''Joel''': Okay; that's beside the point. You guys tried your very hardest, and because of that, you'll never be failures! ''[pulls Hercules' voice box cord again]'' :'''Hercules''': You're absolutely right, Joel Robinson. We'll be right back after a word from our sponsor. Goodnight now. ''[Joel faints in shock as the show cuts to commercial]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Antinea is talking with her daughter Ismene about why she sent her away to be sacrificed]'' :'''Antinea''': On the day a daughter of mine would outlive me, it is written that the sacred texts the Kingdom of Atlantis will be destroyed. :'''Ismene''': Mother, you can't mean- :'''Antinea''': You must die. :'''Crow''': Boy, she's really strict. :'''Ismene''': No... I don't want to die. :'''Servo''': ''[mock crying]'' I want to live! I want to live and laugh and love in life and live! :'''Joel''': ''[as Antinea]'' You stop or I'll give you something to cry about. :''[Antinea's guards arrive]'' :'''Antinea''': Take her away. :'''Servo''': ''[as Antinea]'' And if you don't die willingly, I'm going to ground you, young lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the youths storm Queen Antinea's temple]'' :'''Servo''': Remember the Alamo! :'''Crow''': Storm the Bastille! :'''Joel''': Give us Barabbas! :'''All''': Hell no, we won't go! Attitca! Attica! Atticus...? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules stumbles upon the slaughtered army of youths outside Antinea's temple]'' :'''All''': ''[as the pile of bodies]'' ''[[Bye Bye Birdie|We love you Conrad, oh yes, we do...]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[to Gypsy]'' Richard Basehart! :'''Gypsy''': Don't patronize me, Joel! <hr width="50%"/> :[''as Atlantis crumbles in the climax''] :'''Queen Antinea''': ''[pleading to a statue of their god Uranus]'' You must protect me, mighty Uranus! :'''Joel''': ''[as Uranus]'' Bite me; I'm a statue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Timoteo''': ''[after Hercules falls asleep following a conversation with Androcles]'' I really would've prefered he hit somebody. :'''Crow''': ''[as Androcles]'' Well, whatever tugs at your bobber, little fella. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the film draws to a close, and the screen pans out to Hercules' boat sailing into the horizon with the heroes on it]'' :'''Crow''': ''[in a Jamaican accent]'' Come back to Atlantis! :'''Joel''': Make it Atlantis again, man! :'''Servo''': Now let's hear Herc regale in the tale one more time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the S.O.L. crew celebrate having gotten through (seemingly) the last Hercules movie they were subjected through]'' :'''Servo''': Hercules, wherever you are out there in the ancient Greek Pantheon, I just want to say... bite me! === [[w:Manhunt in Space|Manhunt in Space]] === :''[during a host segment, the bots are performing a parody of General Hospital, each line punctuated by a sting organ noise]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Crow]'' Peggy, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. :'''Crow''': Oh my God; what is it? Is it a hiatus hernia? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it the heartbreak of psoriasis? :'''Servo''': No, it's not that. :'''Crow''': Is it a Mo-No on the A-Go-Go? :'''Servo''': No, I'm afraid it's '''far worse''' than ''that''. :'''Crow''': Please, Doc, tell me what it is! :'''Servo''': Well, when you were walking down the hall earlier, the back of your hospital gown was open, and everyone could see your butt! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' I'll never live down the shaaaaaaame! :'''Servo''': You know, my dear... in tough situations like this in the past, patients found the best thing is to be comforted by me- Dr. Chad Feelgood. :'''Crow''': Oh, Chad... :'''Gypsy''': ''[enters as a nurse]'' You cad! I knew you were cheating on me!! :'''Servo''': My dear, I can explain! :'''Gypsy''': I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I- ''[to Crow]'' Hey; nice butt! :''[Crow breaks down in tears along with Gypsy]'' :'''Servo''': I can comfort you, I can- :'''Joel''': What's going on here? :'''Servo''': Oh no; it's Joel Robinson! The hard-drinking, heavy-fisted, cantankerous yet lovable hospital Administrator! :'''Joel''': No, I'm not! :'''Servo''': Oh no, and he's suffering from amnesia! :'''Joel''': You guys, listen: I'm not gonna play soap opera with you. When I was 9 years old, my sister made me play soap opera with her. I'm not gonna play soap opera. ''[Cambot continues playing the soap opera sting music]'' Okay Cambot, that's it. Alright... that's it! ''[unplugs Cambot in irritation]'' '''Who's next?!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky's second-in-command Winky visits the Satellite of Love via the Hexfield screen, claiming to be a real ladies' man nowadays, while the bots are more than skeptical]'' :'''Winky's Mom''': ''[after she answers the Bots' phone call to his house]'' Winky! Telephone! :'''Winky''': ''[flustered]'' Oh, um... yeah, Clarissa! Why don't ya start; the hot oil's warming up, I'll be right over! :'''Winky's Mom''': What?! :'''Servo''': ''[shocked]'' Oh my- Winky, that's your mother?! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[after Joel cuts the communication from Winky]'' You think we were a little too hard on him? :'''Joel''': Uh, actually I don't think we even got through to him; and for Winky's sake, I hope we never do. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 1 (short) ==== :''[Black-caped, solemn nurse Jesse glides through the hospital ward lobby.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah, here comes [[w:Nosferatu|Nurse-feratu]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An elderly [[w:Steve Hardy|Dr. Steve Hardy]] appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, he was old even then! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Steve Hardy explains what a hiatus hernia is to a patient]'' The body sees the hernia as a series of ones and zeroes. ==== Manhunt in Space (movie) ==== :''[Joel and the Bots riff over the opening credits, briefly addressing casting director Bill Tinsman]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Tin Man (America song)|Oz never did give nothing to Bill Tinsman, that he didn't already have]]. :'''Crow''': ''[of screenwriter Arthur Hoerl]'' I wanted to '''''hoerl''''' after I read the screenplay. ''[Servo makes fake retching noises]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A viewscreen on Rocky Jones's ship displays an image of a small, bumpy-looking planet.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! It's the [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|MST3K]] logo! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[aside]'' Uh, you're not supposed to know about that... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh, uh... ''[whistles innocently.]''{{hnote|Oh, geez! Tom Servo just broke the 4th Wall!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky expresses concern for Vena after she hasn't contacted the Ranger team back, while Winky lounges back with a magazine]'' :'''Winky''': Vena's just still on her vacation; as for me, just let me relax with my little black book and the gay nightlife. :'''Joel''': ''[briefly taken aback]'' Ah; insert joke here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky Jones and Bobby are discussing the Cold Light technology they plan to use on their journey]'' :'''Rocky''': So you already know from the Professor. :'''Bobby''': Yes, we discussed it; and I offered him my opinion on it. :'''Rocky''': I'm sure he appreciated that. :'''Bobby''': Cold Light should never be used indiscriminately; the gamma rays would be fatal to anyone near it. :'''Servo''': ''[aside]'' Remember that, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while tag-along kid Space Ranger Bobby is on-screen with Rocky and the others]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Bobby, disgruntled]'' One day, all of you space losers are going to be working for '''''me''''', and I mean it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[of Queen Cleolanta]'' Oh; she's angry when she's beautiful! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the evil Queen Cleolanta requests to her subordinate Atlasan to enter the Prah star system to confront Rocky herself]'' :'''Atlasan''': If that is what you wish, your Highness... :'''Queen Cleolanta''': No; it is what I '''''command'''''. :'''Crow''': And we know what weight that carries. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Winky makes a snide remark regarding Vena making him a midnight snack]'' :'''Crow''': Winky thinks it's good to boss around women. He wants it to stay like the 50s forever! :'''Servo''': ''[as Winky]'' I think she likes me! === [[w:Tormented (1960 film)|Tormented]] === :''[Tom Stewart looks angrily at ex-girlfriend Vi, who threatens to show his love letters to his new fiancée Meg.]'' :'''Vi''': Darling, you look as though you were ready to kill me! :'''Crow''': Bingo! : . . . :''[At the top of the abandoned lighthouse, Vi falls through a broken railing and hangs by one hand above the cliff.]'' :'''Vi''': Help me! Please, Tom, help me! :'''Servo [as Tom Stewart]''': What? Huh? BRRING! BRRING! Oh, honey, telephone's ringing! I gotta go! Bye. :'''Vi''': Save me, Tom, please! :'''Joel''': Well, that's what she gets for railing against him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Stewart goes to check for Vi's body, only to find clumps of seaweed where she fell]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, she turned into a Caesar salad. :'''Servo''': Somebody ''kelp'' me! Ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sometime after a fight with Meg, Tom lifts up her 8-year-old sister Sandy for a face-to-face talk.]'' :'''Tom''': Meg's mad at me. :'''Sandy''': She'll get over it. 'Sides, if she doesn't, you'll be free to marry me! :'''Tom''': O-kay! From now on, you're the other woman in my life. :'''Joel''': Put her down, [[w:Jerry Lee Lewis#Scandal|Jerry Lee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vi''': ''[as a ghostly head, after declaring to Tom that she threatens to expose him as a murderer]'' I told you already- no-one will ever have you but '''me'''! :'''Tom''': Stop it, Vi! :'''Vi''': Try me... ''[starts shouting]'' TOM STEWART KILLED ME! TOM STEWART KILLED ME! :'''Joel''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me; c'mon, everybody! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vi]'' Tom Stewart killed me! Now just the ladies; join in! :''[Tom wraps Vi's head in a sack and carries it outside while she still protests]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Tom]'' Let's go bowling. ''[drops the sack down the steps of their building]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Vi, tumbling down the steps]'' T-o-om Stewart ki-ill-ed m-e-e! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[exorting demands from Joel, who's hanging from the air ducts and begging for help]'' I wanna be taller than you, and more popular. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, Tom, Crow, do you guys want to--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! ''[She sees their disembodied heads and leaves screaming in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Hey you guys? What in the world happened over there? I saw Gypsy running away like she'd seen a ghost or something. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots are left worn out by the film's bleak tone]'' :'''Joel''': It's only a crappy movie by Bert I. Gordon he made to massage the marketplace! :'''Servo''': Simply nurturing one's basest instincts and trying way too hard to be film noir! :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Geez, Joel; I'm riding such a major bummer that I just spent a couple hours at Liqour Aisle talking to... [[w:Neil Young|Neil Young]]! === [[w:The Beatniks (film)|The Beatniks]] === :''[Joel is aggressively playing Rock Paper Scissors with the bots]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Joel, I hope you're not playing too tough with those two. :'''Joel''': No, ma'am! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[rushes in with a furious shriek and rams Joel]'' '''''GYPSY CRUSHES JOEL! MY BABIES!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': ''[bandaged up from Gypsy ramming into him]'' My achin' noggin... :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, Well, serves you right for taking advantage of these little Charm-kins! :'''Joel''': Oh yeah? well, you should ask these little "charmkins" what I found oozing out of my pillow case this morning! :'''Servo''': Aw, you little baby, it could've been a lot worse! :'''Crow''': Yeah, at least we killed him before we stuffed him in there. :'''Gypsy''': Enough, you three! [[w:Freebie_and_the_Bean|Freebie and the Bean are calling.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank demonstrate their Good Luck Troll costumes, as Frank protests]'' :'''Frank''': Can we just get on with this, please? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Shut up, Frank; or I'll let the dog play with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel is reading a letter from a young viewer who tells them that his mother is making him write "I will not call my mom a dickweed"]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' Before I start this auspicious task, I must ask in the interest of justice... is ''dickweed'' a swear word? :'''Joel/Servo''': ''[at the same time]'' No/Yes! ...Yes/No? No... no. :'''Servo''': Nope; dickweed isn't a swear word. it's clean. You're cool. You can stop writing, "I will not call my mom a dickweed." :''[Gypsy suddenly slithers past Joel and Servo, screaming loudly. Crow then enters brandishing a knife]'' :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': Where'd she go man, where'd she go?! :'''Joel''': Crow, put that knife away, you're scaring Gypsy! :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': I did it for you, Eddie! :'''Joel''': Oh great, he's on moon mode again... :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's right: I'm gonna moon you man, I'm gonna moon you! :'''Servo''': That's gonna be tough because you really don't have a hinder to speak of. :'''Crow [as Mooney]''': That's it, That's it! ''[Crow then "stabs" Servo who collapses on the table]'' ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 2 (short) ==== :'''Ken''': Yeah, it's one of Dr. Doyle's old patients, Mr. Harvey. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Ken/Elwood Dowd]''': Yeah, he's [[w:Harvey (film)|a big rabbit]], you see, there... <hr width=50%> :''[the short opens with a cake decorated with the word "Congratulations"]'' :'''Joel''': Congratulations, you're one second into the film! :'''Crow''': Oh no! The plaster's coming off! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Another alcohol-free party ends in shame. This little playlet is brought to you by the Booze Council, reminding you to stock up on alcoholic beverages for all your social occasions, because booze really satisfies. :'''Joel''': Booze takes a dull party and makes it better! :'''Tom Servo''': Booze makes you popular and heals all wounds. :'''All singing in unison''': B-double O-Z-E, booze! ''[Crow hiccups]'' ==== The Beatniks (movie) ==== :''[as Eddie and the others rob a shopkeeper at the start of the film]'' :'''Shopkeeper''': Don't you ever rob anybody else?! :'''Eddie''': Sure; but we like you! :'''Joel''': ''[as Iris, sitting in the getaway car]'' I thought they liked me. <hr width=50%/> :'''Moony''': Hey, I'm no leader. Leaders always got too much on their minds, man! There's just one thing on my mind; one thing. ''[makes a cracking noise and laughs]'' :'''Crow''': I don't get you. Must be some weird conceptual thing. <hr width=50%/> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Leather coat... :'''Servo''': ...Dish of ice cream! :'''Eddie''': ''...duck-bill hair.'' :'''Crow''': ''[as café patron]'' Hey, would you keep it down? I'm eating a bagel over here! :'''Eddie''': ''Call me wild...'' :'''Joel''': ...Oscar Wilde! :'''Eddie''': ''...I don't care! Sideburns, don't need your sympathy.'' <hr width=50%> :'''Eddie''': ''[singing]'' ''Anything...'' :'''Joel''': ...Is better than this ''crap!'' <hr width=50%> :'''Moony''': ''I'' killed that fat Barkeep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eddie''': ''[recurring line]'' Shut up, Iris. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moony''': I'm gonna '''''moon''''' you!! :'''Crow''': ''[as Moony]'' Y'know, hang my butt out! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Then we can ride [[w:Yoshi|Yoshi to the Mushroom Kingdom]]. === [[w:Fire Maidens from Outer Space|Fire Maidens of Outer Space]] === <div id="CrowSyndrome-FMoOS"> :''[An example of [[w:Crow T. Robot#Crow Syndrome|Crow Syndrome]].]'' <!-- ADDED TO SUPPORT WP Crow T. Robot ARTICLE --> :'''Joel''': Well, anyway, with [[w:double entendre|double entendre]], you can say just about anything, Tom. Like: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — does this ''TV'' have a ''remote''? Mmmmm!" :'''Servo''': Oh-ho-ho, I see! How 'bout: ''[suggestively]'' "Say — check out the arms on ''this'' jumpsuit!" Right? :'''Joel''': Oh, right on! Woo-hoo! :'''Servo''': All right, yeah! :'''Joel''': ''[suggestively]'' "As far as ''I'' know, Lincoln's not President any''more''!" :'''Servo''': Ah-ooh! Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo! ''[suggestively]'' "She came back from the ''store'' with a bag of apples, and a ''loaf'' of ''bread''!" :'''Joel''': Mmm-mmm-mmm! :'''Crow''': I got one. "If the van's a rockin', don't come knock—" :'''Joel''': Ah, Crow! Crow. That's a little bit more direct than what we were talking about. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the dark robot Timmy first appears after Joel and the bots leave the room for first Commercial Sign]'' :'''Magic Voice''': ''[as Timmy snarls and attacks Cambot]'' Who are you?! What are you doing here; keep away! '''''Cambot; look out!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''', '''Servo''', '''Crow''' (as Atlantean girls): We, the Fire Maidens, couldn't be prouder! If you couldn't hear us, we'll yell a little louder! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as one of the astronauts shoots the monster and it lets out a pained monstrous groan]'' Oh; [it's] [[Frankenstein (1931 film)|Frankenstein]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I question the relevance of this scene. :'''Servo''': I question the relevance of '''''every''''' scene. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the specter-like robot Timmy has trapped Servo in a cocoon on the bridge, while Joel arrives with a broom to hold Timmy back as he attacks Crow]'' :'''Joel''': ''[[Aliens (film)|Let go of him, you bitch]]''! </div> === [[w:Crash of Moons|Crash of Moons]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''':Oh, I'm tellin' ya, Gypsy, I love you! :'''Gypsy''': Really? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And I know I'd love you, too, if only we could-- :'''Crow''': Why, you haven't a chance with a girl like her. It's me she cares for! Isn't that right, Gypsy? :'''Gypsy''': I can't decide. :'''Crow''': Can't decide? Well maybe this will help. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of "Gypsy Moons", Joel gets annoyed with Crow starting to sing bawdy lyrics and clamps Crow's mouth down]'' :'''Joel''': Stop! Stop! We hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And now here's our own Al "Jazzbeaux" Collins with a message. Never again you guys. That's it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': DON'T YOU DO IT! DON'T YOU DO IT! I KNEW YOU SENT A BANNER-GRAM! FRANK, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! :'''TV's Frank''': Hey, someone sent us a Banner-Gram! :'''Bavaro''': Boopie! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[screams as screen cuts to black]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Hi, Bavaro. ==== [[w:General Hospital|General Hospital]], Installment 3 (short) ==== :''[In his car, Dr. Phil Brewer tries to talk Cynthia out of marrying her fiancé.]'' :'''Phil''': And you choose to make a life with Ken? :'''Cynthia''': Yes! He loves me, I know he does, and… and we can have a good life together! Anyway, we… have as good as chance as most married people. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Cynthia]''': Sure, [[w:Ken (doll)|Ken]]'s not anatomically correct, but… ==== Crash of Moons (movie) ==== :''[Rocky Jones and Winky march in Cleolanta's men at gunpoint to meet with her.]'' :'''Rocky''': ''[cadence-calling]'' Hup, 2, 3, 4! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Rocky]''': We are in a crappy film… :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Men]''': We are in a crappy film… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rocky tells Cleolanta about the United Worlds' plan to save her people.]'' :'''Rocky''': They'll help you with your evacuation to a new world, which will be mutually agreed upon. :'''Cleolanta''': They will tell ''me'' where to take ''my'' people?! :'''Rocky''': No, Cleolanta. They'll only advise. :'''Joel, Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:I Only Have Eyes For You|For yooooou!]] === [[w:The Eye Creatures|Attack of the the Eye Creatures]] === :''[Upon seeing the misspelling in the film's title]'' :'''Joel''': ''Attack of the '''the''' Eye Creatures''? What, did [[w:Mel Tillis|Mel Tillis]] write these titles? <hr width="50%"/> :''[an Air Force Officer is dismissing a subordinate]'' :'''Air Force Officer''': Now take off! :'''Joel''':[[w:Bob and Doug McKenzie|...to the great White North!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harold's Girlfriend''': Ooh, Harold! :'''Servo [as Harold]''': [[Harold and Maude|Ooh, Maude!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Susan''': What if we turned ourselves in to the police? :'''Servo [as Stan]''': Then we'd be policemen and could drop the charges! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many scenes where the fearsome Eye Creatures stumbles around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' I've got Sammy Davis eyes! ''[a la [[w:Rip Taylor|Rip Taylor]]]'' I've got a million of them! Literally! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While trying to take a picture of a severed Eye Creature arm, the flashbulb causes it to evaporate]'' :'''Joel''': Now why doesn't that work with relatives? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel and the Bots review the production goofs of the movie.]'' <!-- PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE THE FOLLOWING QUOTE GROUP, AS IT IS REFERENCED IN Wikipedia article "The Eye Creatures". --> :'''Crow''': The eye creatures. Scabbing, inflexible, lethargic, mucus-expelling creatures having ''no'' spoken language and ''no particular powers'' with which to conquer. They were also unfortunate enough to have evolved with heavy-duty zippers running up their backs. : . . . :'''Joel''': Some eye creatures are born with scaly protective covering. Others are born with hundreds of eyes protuding from fleshy knobs. Still others, like this whisper-thin fellow, are born with tight acrylic wool-blend turtleneck sweaters from Chess King. : . . . :'''Crow''': If you're ever in a fight with an eye creature, keep in mind that his head is simply ''draped casually over his shoulders'' and should be no trouble to knock off! ''[...]'' Get ready to give chase to an injured eye creature; as you can see, he's wearing his ''Jack Purcell athletic shoes!'' Folks, they just did not care! === [[w:The Rebel Set|The Rebel Set]] === :'''Servo''': ''[in terror as Joel reads [[w:H. Jackson Brown, Jr.|Life's Little Instruction Book]] to him and Crow]'' [[Apocalypse Now|The humor; the humor!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[slowly]'' "A train leaves a station at 2PM, going 90 miles an hour. Another train leaves another station going the opposite direction at 5PM going 60 miles an hour. How long before they meet?" :'''Joel''': Oh, Gypsy, that is everything great literature should be: according to Merritt Stone. :'''Servo''': ''[offscreen]'' HE'S NOT MERRITT STONE! ==== Johnny at the Fair (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': Johnny even got to the midway for a ride, but the fun didn't last nearly long enough. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny's car rolled and burned. :'''Narrator''': There were displays from all over the world, from countries Johnny was just learning about. Fine porcelain from France. Riches from the Orient. Silks and pearls from India. :'''Joel''': Simulated culture like [[w:Walt Disney World|Disney World]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': "No, Johnny," says Mom, "we're going to the art gallery." :'''Servo [as Mom]''': And you'll ''like'' it! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': No! I don't wanna go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ..."A baseball game, oh boy." But when he gets there he finds a five-year-old can't get close enough to see anything. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Besides, the [[w:Seattle Mariners|Mariners]] are playing, so who cares? :'''Narrator''': Unless someone lifts you up and put you on the lap of the undefeated champion of the world, [[w:Joe Louis|Joe Louis]]. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Joe hits Johnny up for fifteen cents due to tax problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is watching a performing horse show, as the judges' winning pick and her foal trot around]'' :'''Servo''': And Johnny transmogrifies; he's a shapeshifter! And he breaks the Fourth Seal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny can't read the words "Chemical Wonderland". :'''Joel''': Oh, we've all been there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny is shown walking around the fairgrounds]'' :'''Servo''': Johnny feels dark hands pressing him onward; the voices in his head get meaner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An acrobat bicycles on a tightrope, balancing more acrobats on his balance rod and shoulders.]'' :'''Joel''': Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny watches himself jump in a distorting mirror.]'' :'''Narrator''': Afterwards, Johnny can't stop going up and down. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The drugs from the Chemical Wonderland start to kick in. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny spots a flying helicopter.]'' :'''Narrator''': "Oh, boy. A heel-a-copter airplane!" :'''Servo''': What? :'''Narrator''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Visions of the [[w:Mekong Delta|Mekong Delta]] flash before Johnny's eyes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Champion figure skater [[w:Barbara Ann Scott|Barbara Ann Scott]] gives Johnny a peck on the cheek. Embarrassed, he puts his head on her chest.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': "Jiminy," thinks Johnny, "if only I could get a ride in one of those." :'''Narrator''': Johnny ''does'' find a real aeroplane… and gets his ride. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Johnny thinks [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Earhart]] seems like a nice lady. ==== The Rebel Set (movie) ==== :'''John Mapes''': ''[introduced as he's rehearsing to a acting lessons vinyl]'' Look, Kate, I am a gentleman. :'''"Kate"''': ''That I'll try.'' :'''Crow''': ''[disgusted]'' Oh, great; another oily unlikable character! :'''John Mapes''': I swear I'll cut you if you strike me again! :'''"Kate"''': ''So you may lose your arm. If you strike me, you are no gentleman.'' :'''Servo''': It's Ms. Hathaway! :'''"Kate"''': ''And if no gentleman, why then no arm?'' :'''John Mapes''': A herald, Kate! Oh, put me in thy books! :'''"Kate"''': ''Ha-ha, what is your crest?'' ''[loops]'' ''A coxcomb? A coxcomb?'' :'''Servo''': ''[alongside the loop]'' A Henry Miller. :'''Joel''': ''[as Mapes shuts off the record]'' Oh wait a minute; it's a little late for acting lessons. They started filming already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the character of Leland is introduced on-screen]'' :'''Servo''': You know who that is? I'll give you a hint- ''[[w:The Giant Gila Monster|I sing whenever I sing, whenever I sing...]]'' :'''Crow and Joel''': Oh no! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Invader''': ''[whilst reciting beat poetry]'' Smell, oh nostrils; hear, oh ears... :'''Cafe Patron's Husband''': ''[sarcastically while clapping]'' Bravo, old Majesty! :'''King Invader''': ''[in a bitterly sardonic tone]'' Thank you, old square... :'''Joel''': Hey, that would be a good phrase to use on someone who's not very hip. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cafe Patron''': ''[to beat poet King Invader, as she and her husband are leaving]'' King, we enjoyed it; truly we did. Dear heart. :'''Crow''': ''[as patron]'' My husband's very hip at home! :'''King Invader''': ''[short pause]'' I am bugged...! :'''Joel''': God of facial hair! :'''King Invader''': ...beyond recall! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after thwarting Tucker's double crossing over the ownership of the heist money, John Mapes willingly surrenders to the police, leaving his wife Jeanne behind as the film ends]'' :'''Servo''': So, uh... all this happened because Johnny got lost in the fair? === [[w:The Human Duplicators|The Human Duplicators]] === :''[The title screen displays the title backwards...]'' :'''Crow''': ''Eht Numah Srotacilpud''! :''[...then "duplicates" it normally.]'' :'''Crow''': ...Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gale''': So say something! :'''Crow [as Martin]''': "Something!" :'''Martin''': "Something." :'''Crow''': ''D'oh!'' ...Got riffback on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Super-spy Martin sees the statuesque Dr. Lin Yung standing in one of a pair of huge birdcage-like duplication cells.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Ah! It's Malibu Barbie Torture Chambers! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Neat! :''[Cut to close-up on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Hi. I am new Asian Barbie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the duplication chamber next to the real Dr. Yung, a skeleton slowly becomes something resembling a life-size blow-up doll.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Huh. Well, kinda close, I suppose. :''[The camera zooms in on Dr. Yung.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Yung]''': ''[in "Chinese" accent]'' Do I really look like that? :'''Crow''': Oh, come on, Doc! Did your kid make that thing? :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': [[w:I Sing the Body Electric!|I sing the Body Pathetic!]] Heh. :''[Gradually, a very pale form resembling Dr. Yung materializes.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh… I think you need more toner! :''[The form slowly darkens to reveal an identical copy of Yung.]'' :'''Crow''': Heh heh heh. Heh! ''Hunan'' Duplicators! :'''Joel''': Right! 'Cause they're identical Suzie Wongs? :'''Crow''': Yeah! Yeah. 'Cause two Wongs don't make a— :'''Joel''': Oh, that's enough. :'''Crow''': Oh, don't hit me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Welles (played by [[w:Hugh Beaumont|Hugh Beaumont]]) answers his phone.]'' :'''Welles''': Welles here. :'''Crow [as Welles/[[w:Ward Cleaver|Ward Cleaver]]]''': The boys did ''what''? They duplicated Lumpy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin's duplicate leaves Welles' office.]'' :'''Crow [as Welles]''': There's somethin' plastic about that guy... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kolos, played by [[w:Richard Kiel|Richard Kiel]], "beams down" from his ship with his hands outstretched.]'' :'''Servo [as Kolos]''': I'm huge. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Professor looks up at Kolos as Kolos advances towards him menacingly.]'' :'''Servo [as the Professor, quickly]''': Oh my God, you're huge. === [[w:Monster a Go-Go|Monster a Go-Go]] === ==== Circus on Ice (short) ==== :''[The title "Circus on Ice" shows onscreen]'' :'''Joel''': You got your circus on my ice! :'''Crow''': Hey, you got your ice on my circus! :'''Servo''': Two bad things that go worse together! :''[Referencing a [[w:Reese%27s_Peanut_Butter_Cups|Reese's Peanut Butter Cups]] ad campaign.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[in response to a clown on screen]'' Woah, seen him in my nightmares... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two pink tutu'd skaters perform a synchronized skating routine to a light, cheery tune.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing]'' :: These two girls, they make quite a pair. :: They both come from your worst night-mare. :: They will haunt your soul forever, :: And now, ::: When you see pink, ::: You're gonna think, :: "We're doomed". :: They are agents of Satan... :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': ''[laughing]'' Okay, stop it, Tom... <hr width='50%'/> :''[A group of women skaters dressed as Zebras come on screen, and are described as actual animals.]'' :'''Servo''': We're gettin' into a whole weird area, here. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's sexist male fantasies on ice! :. . . :'''Narrator''': And now, the little bareback rider exhalts in her victory over the wild beasts! :'''Servo''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Uh-''huh...'' :. . . :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's dehumanized, objectified circus on ice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A skater portrays a fawn trying vainly to escape from hunters.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Prélude à l'après-midi d'un faune|Prelude to the afternoon of a ''murder'']]. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Child]''': Oh, Mom, I don't wanna... ''[gulps]'' I don't like the Circus on Ice anymore! I wanna go home! :'''Servo [as Mother]''': Shut up and watch the deer get slaughtered! It's ''fun''! :. . . :'''Joel''': Oh, and she skates over her own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down from the spotlights to some skating ballerinas.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, the spotlight falls on a world of delicate loveliness... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ...and kills them. ==== Monster a Go-Go (movie) ==== :''[Over the film's title]'' :'''Servo''': ''Monster A Go-Go''? I thought this was gonna be ''[[w:Munster Go Home|Munster Go Home]]''! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, guys, I got a feeling this is gonna be a tough one. :'''Crow''': Oh, it might not be too bad... :'''Servo''': No, I think Joel's right, this one has "stinkburger" written all over it. :'''Joel''': Yeah... :'''Crow''': ''[sighs indignantly]'' C'mon, you can't tell just from the credits! :'''Joel''': No, no, it's a feeling I have. My gut instincts tell me that this is gonna hurt real bad. :'''Crow''': Joel, it's not healthy to have such a negative attitude right out of the gate. :'''Servo''': It's just common sense, Crow. There's a feeling of incompetence already in the air here. :'''Joel''': Yeah, we might as well face up to it... :'''Crow''': Well, I refuse to give in so soon! I'm gonna riff away like it's nobody's business! ...I-I can't think of anything ''now'', but... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[reading]'' The Other Th? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[enthusiastically]'' Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... ''[deflating]'' This is gonna ''suck''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scientist is walking up a flight of stairs with music playing.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, its the musical stairs from the science museum. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Logan just gets through talking on the phone and he looks distraught]'' :'''Joel [as Dr. Logan]''': That's it. I'm dead. I'm a dead man. I'm a dead man walking, and talking and wearing clothes, that's how dead I am. I'm dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Brent tries to find out why Dr. Logan didn’t tell him he had the monster in one of his radiation labs for the last eight weeks]'' :'''Dr. Brent''': Why didn't you tell us then? :'''Dr. Logan''': I don't know. I was trying to help. :'''Servo''': ''[whining]'' I was just trying to help. :'''Dr. Brent''': Help? You've jeopardized this whole project! :'''Dr. Logan''': What the hell do you want from me, Dr. Brent?! I don't have a precision mind like yours! :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I'm only a scientist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster walks towards a group of sunbathing women]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as the monster]'' Hi I'm from the boy's camp across the lake, our backup generator exploded. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close up on a phone when a ringing sound (made by a person offscreen) goes off]'' :'''Joel''': ''[in disbelief]'' Unbelievable... :''[Servo bursts out into laughter]'' :'''Dr. Logan''': Hello? ''[A pause]'' Yes? :'''Crow [as Dr. Logan]''': I made that phone noise. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Chicago's Lower Level, men dress Col. Connors and Dr. Brent in radiation suits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Connors]''': ''[makes a fart noise]'' What? Oh. Uh... Pull the helmet off! Pull it off me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There is one terrifying word in the world of nuclear physics... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': "Oops". :'''Narrator''': ..."radiation". :'''Servo''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the ending of the film as the monster seemingly vanishes without a trace]'' :'''Narrator''': As if a switch had been turned, as if an eye had been blinked; as if some phantom force in the universe made a move eons beyond our comprehension... :'''Servo''': As if we '''''care'''''. === [[w:Sampo (film)|The Day the Earth Froze]] === :''[Joel tries to organize the Bots for a photo.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': We are ''going'' to get a nice picture of this family if it ''kills'' us. Crow, where are those nice pants I bought you? :'''Crow''': I don't know. :'''Crow''': You can't walk around wearing a sports coat without your nice pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, the light meter, Joel! ''[Joel realizes too late and the photo doesn't turn out well right as he reaches for it.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel:''' Well to be honest, everybody, we don't know what a Sampo is. :'''Crow:''' Not a clue. :'''Servo''': If ''you'' know what a Sampo is, write it on a piece of paper, throw it away and then try not to think about it. You'll be glad you did. :'''All:''' Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Gypsy takes the stage wearing a coat]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Ladies and gentlemen, presenting in her one woman show: Gypsy! :'''Joel''': Here we go! :'''Crow''': Ssshh! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' There’s a big frontier out there called life, I ain’t nobody’s daughter, I ain’t nobody’s wife, I’m gonna stake my very own claim of land, And you’re gonna wanna know who I am… I’m Gypsy! Gypsy Rose Me! Gypsy Rose, not you! Not you! Or you! Gypsy Rose… Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud]'' :'''Gypsy''': Thank you! Oh, thank you very much. You know, we're all traveling; You, me, that little gold guy over there. We're traveling on the big trip of life, and sometimes it turns out we haven't packed the right clothes for our personal journey. :''[Gypsy takes off her coat, revealing a pink outfit underneath]'' "I've been struggling to make ends meet. The social worker stops by today, but we'll get by, somehow..." Thank you. :''[Joel, Crow, and Tom applaud again. Gypsy takes off her pink dress, revealing a golden sparkling outfit.]'' :'''Gypsy''': "I'm sick of fighting with you, boyfriend! But I'm not going to walk out that door; No sir, I'm going to run out that door!" Thank you, Thank you. :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Hey, is my act interfering with your conversation, buddy? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh heartily]'' You get three guys together, huh? What, some sort of love connection screwup? ''[Crow, Joel and Tom laugh again]'' :'''Joel & Servo''': Yay! :'''Gypsy''': Oh, thank you, thank you. What a night, everybody! But before I go, I want to tell you a little story; A story about a gal who ran the higher functions of a little satellite in a synchronous orbit, A gal that everyone thought was perhaps, a little slow, a little naïve, a little... simple. But let me tell you something about that gal. She has spirit, she had guts! and most of all, she had a huge heart. That gal was on her journey and when her luggage ended up on another planet, that gal picked herself up, dusted herself off and wore the same outfit 2 days in a row. That plucky little gal, is... me! ==== Here Comes the Circus (short) ==== :''[The title screen shows "Here Comes the Circus!" next to a smiling clown's head.]'' :'''Crow''': ''Heeere'' comes the ''[[w:Devil|Devil]]''! :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Beelzebub|Beezlebub]] the Clown! :'''Joel''': Guys, can we be a little less dark with this short? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': There's excitement everywhere, the circus here. Everyone is headed to the big top to thrill to and cheer on the funmakers, daredevils, freaks, and ferocious performing animals. :''[Shot of circus-goers outside the tent]'' :'''Crow''': And here come the freaks now! Look at them, all... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the audience, a white-haired man holds a young boy on his lap.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': It's [[w:Thomas Edison|Thomas Edison]], with his electric child! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The circus starts with a parade of all the performers.]'' :'''Servo''': Supporters drummed up for the Spanish-American War. :'''Joel''': Hey, uh, aren't the horses supposed to go behind the band? :'''Servo''': Oops. :'''Crow''': Now make way for the Ku Klux Klowns! Whoo! :'''Servo''': Yes, children of all ages are confronted by forces they can't '''begin''' to understand! :'''Crow''': [[w:Nazi salute|Sieg heil! Sieg heil]]! :'''Joel''': Okay guys, you're too dark. Would you lighten up? :'''Servo''': How about this? Hey, look, it's Rue McClanahan. :'''Joel''': That's better. :'''Crow''': It's Ezekiel, the Amish clown. ''[chuckles]'' No buttons. :'''Servo''': Oh, look, it's Ice Princess Zebra. :''[Emmett Kelly appears in the parade.]'' :'''Joel''': Hey, it's Emmett Kelly. :'''Servo''': That's good. :'''Joel''': No, it really is. :'''Servo''': Whatever, Joel. :''[As Crow hums to the music, a clown with a police outfit and fake beard appears up close to the screen and salutes, causing Joel and the Bots to get startled and yelp. As the narrator is herd speaking inaudibly, another clown with short hair and wearing a hat turn to the camera with a grin; Joel and the bots scream in horror.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Liza Minnelli|Liza]]! :''[A bald clown appears up close to the camera as Joel and the bots clamor in terror from the sight of him.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hellraiser|HELLRAISER!]]! NO!!! :''[The narrator mentions Emmett Kelly over a shot of him eating a sandwich]'' :'''Joel''': See? Emmett changed management soon after this. :''[Shot of the crowd cheering]'' :'''Crow [as crowd]''': We love it when he eats! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a trapeze artist swings]'' :'''Joel''': It's a living! :'''Crow''': Mother, please come home! :'''Servo''': Yes, our Betty [[w:Bisexuality|swings both ways]]! :'''Joel''': Oh, stop it! :'''Servo''': She does! Look! :'''Joel''': Listen, you hit the floor a couple of times, you make sure you get it right. :'''Crow''': This takes care of unwanted hair in the bikini area. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching girls being passed around by men lying down with their feet up]'' :'''Joel [as John Cameron Swayze]''': Ah, they take a licking and keep on kicking! :'''Crow''': Women who love too much and the feet that use them. :'''Servo''': This one's on the rebound. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]'' :'''Crow''': The act was outlawed on several continents! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, it's [[w:The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat|the man who mistook his wife for a hat]]! :. . . :'''Crow''': Flipped her off. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beautiful bareback riding ballerina, Miss Lucy! :'''Servo''': ...could not be with us tonight, so instead we have this act. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Store this image away for a later nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The old man points out the clown on the trapeze to the boy.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Old Man]''': I invented that move. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kid]''': Yeah, right. :'''Joel''': Levi's loose fitting clown jeans. :''[Two clowns swing around a pole crotch to crotch.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Crow gasps]'' Huh? ''Oh, no! No, no'' — they're doing it ''clown''-style! No! :''[One clown spanks, sweeps and smacks the other's behind with a hand broom.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ah! And Madonna thinks ''she's'' innovative! :'''Joel''': Oh, please tell me this isn't happening... Oh, no... :''[They continue to complain and mumble "no" repeatedly as one clown hits the other's behind with their foot and then with a mallet.]'' :'''Crow [as Clown]''': More, more, I'm a ''bad'' clown! Ha ha ha ha! :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yes, children's windows of perception are opened for a second, only to take in the horror that is the circus. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': High above the crowd, [[w:Dag Hammarskjöld|Dag Hammarskjöld]] takes to the trapeze! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a horse trainer and a horse]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Hank Kimball's brought in. :'''Crow [as Hank Kimball]''': Hey, Mr. Douglas, I see you've got a horse. Well, it's not really a horse, it's more of a... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A clown rings a bell.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, [[w:C. Everett Koop|C. Everett Kook]]! :''[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]'' :'''Narrator''': Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history! :'''Crow''': [[w:Bing Crosby|Bing Crosby]]'s relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted. :'''Servo [as clown]''': Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo! :'''Joel''': This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen. :'''Servo''': You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play. :'''Joel''': Oh. It's a full contact ''[[w:Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (film)|Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?]]''! :'''Crow [as Richard Burton]''': Don't talk about our clown, Martha. :''[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]'' :'''Crow''': '''KITTIES!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As trapeze artists fly through the air]'' :'''Joel''': I know, you're not going to complete 5th grade gym without doing this, right? :. . . :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': Pass the word, Ed's been hitting the bottle today! :'''Servo''': Oh, like that's been a big improvement over what we've been doing... :'''Crow [as trapeze artist]''': Party in Susan's dressing room! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel [as trapeze artist]''': A rogue elephant snaps its tether and kills a coolie. :'''Servo''': NOW who's getting dark? Hehe, I like it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Joel''': Ah, my favorite part of the circus. ==== The Day the Earth Froze (movie) ==== :''[As the statues of Elias Lönnrot and Impi start to come to life, Joel and the bots yelp as they get startled.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, :'''Joel''': ...they're [[w:Gollum|Gollum.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen navigates down a river while paddling atop a log.]'' :'''Servo [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:Surfin' USA|If everybody had a spruce tree, across Finlandia...]] :'''Crow [as Lemminkäinen]''': ''[singing with Norwegian accent]'' [[w:California Girls|I vish they all could be Norvegian girls...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lemminkäinen and Ilmarinen demand the release of Ilmarinen's sister from the witch Louhi, as reward for plowing the witch's field. The witch is hesitant to comply, and demands more.]'' :'''Louhi, the witch''': Forge a Sampo! Or you'll never see the face of your pretty sister again. :'''Crow''': Can we see the other parts? :'''Servo''': Crimeny, better look up what a Sampo is quick, I think she's serious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bowing to the witch's demand, Ilmarinen builds a Sampo by throwing stuff into a magic fire.]'' :'''Ilmarinen''': With this wool, will I clothe you! :'''Servo [as Ilmarinen]''': With these teeth, will you bite me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The witch Louhi spreads her arms outward, her cloak fluttering in the wind.]'' :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen, the [[w:Black Moses (album)|Swedish Moses of Soul!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Bullwinkle]''': Will somebody please put me out? I seem to be on fire. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Louhi discovers that her Sampo is gone.]'' :'''Louhi''': Where is the many-colored dome of the Sampo? :'''Joel''': Uh, ma'am, the dome is an option that you did not order... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The young people run to the village center to celebrate Lemminkäinen's return after destroying their Sampo to keep it from the witch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Villager]''': Huzzah, everyone! Did you hear there is no Sampo? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Villager]''': Yah, it's really too bad. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Villager]''': No Sampo, eh? Bummer. :'''Servo [as Villager]''': Let us be gay, for he is a dickweed. :''[The village women, holding hands, dance in a great circle.]'' :'''Crow [as Villager]''': I'm so glad it's a dry celebration! It's so much more fun than the kegger would have been! :''[Now the young men and women of the village dance in a ring, while Joel and the Bots sing.]'' :'''Servo [as Villager]''': He failed to bring back the Sampo! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! :'''Servo [as Villager]''': We shall die of starvation! :'''Joel, Crow [as Villagers]''': Sampo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villagers continue to celebrate in front of their cabins.]'' :'''Joel''': What is this, [[w:Stalag 17|"Stalag 17: The Musical?"]] === [[w:Bride of the Monster|Bride of the Monster]] === ==== Hired! Part 1 (short) ==== :''[The short's title screen appears: "Chevrolet presents: HIRED!"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Hey, isn't that the John Belushi biography? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, that's something you didn't hear much during the [[w:George H. W. Bush|''Bush'' administration]]. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, the sequel is ''Hired 2: Laid Off''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After speaking with Jimmy, Mr. Warren looks at Jimmy's sales file with concern.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hmm. I didn't know he had a prison record. Says here he's wanted in Idaho. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Hmm? What in the ''world''? Assault with a deadly weapon?! :'''Crow [as Warren]''': AKA "The Pantsless Salesman" or "The Piddling Peddler"?! :'''Joel [as Warren]''': What? He got a D in trigonometry? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': But he is a Pieces with a moon in Aries. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': I'd fire him if he weren't my son. :''[Mr. Warren does a quick glance at the sales record board, then puts down the file and stands up.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': Are you there, Lord? :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Hello, wall. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': Well, there's a blue steak and a pitcher of martinis with my name on it. :''[Mr. Warren looks at the board again, which shows that most salesmen have sold only a few cars during the month.]'' :'''Servo [as Warren]''': That's nearly impossible. No one under my employ has ever sold a car! :'''Joel''': Well, I guess no one wins a Mathis album. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': If I could read, I'd know what the problem is. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Oh, here's the problem. I forgot to carry the two! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are performing "Hired! The Musical"]' :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[[in a whisper]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I hope I don't get fired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' In forty years I'll be retired. But for now, I'm simply hired. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I got a job today. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm selling Chevrolets. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I'm bringing home good pay. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I just got hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He's hired. He got a job today. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' Yeah, me! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's selling Chevrolets. :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' We're gonna get awnings. :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He's bringing home good pay. :'''Joel''': [singing] I'm hired :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Maybe even dessert :'''Joel''': [singing at same time with bots next line] I'm hired! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' He just got hired! HIRED! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' I was wondering if you’d like to see my- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' But I really think you should see my- :'''Servo''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' It’s got a lovely- :'''Gypsy''': No! :'''Joel ''': ''[singing]'' And if only you would- :'''Crow''': No! :'''Tom, Crow, Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Can’t you see we’re trying to tell you no!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Come on and have some lemonade! ==== Bride of the Monster (movie) ==== :''[Lobo ([[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]]) scares away two hunters during a rainstorm, his mouth agape]'' :'''Crow''': Tor! Close your mouth before you drown! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hunter''': ''[as he's strapped to an operating table]'' What are you doing to me?.. :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': you're gonna be [[w:Myra Breckinridge|Myra Breckinridge.]] :'''Dr. Vornoff''': You will soon be as big as giant, :'''Crow''': But it's not covered by his insurance. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': with the strength of twenty men, :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Give or take a few. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Or-- :'''Servo [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': --Not. :'''Dr. Vornoff''': Like all the others; dead. :''[As Dr. Vornoff turns the machine on, the Hunter screams in agony]'' :'''Crow [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Oops! :''[As the hunter goes limp and dies, Dr. Vornoff quickly turns off the machine]'' :'''Joel [ as Dr.Vornoff]''': Well, so much for the giant theory. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Janet''': ''[As Lobo knocks Dick Craig unconscious.]'' DICK! :'''Crow''': ''[as Janet]'' Uh, no, Duck! Damn, I said that wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After being tied up and turned into an "atomic superman", Dr. Vornoff breaks out of the leather straps that bind him to the table.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, now he has the strength of twenty heroin addicts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the mutated Dr. Vornoff fatally electrocutes Lobo by shoving him into a control panel, Janet screams as Vornoff grabs her and takes her away]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Green Acres|You are my wife]]! :'''Servo''': ''[high-pitched voice]'' [[w:Green Acres|Goodbye, City Life]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Vornoff and his octopus monster get struck with lightning and go up in a nuclear blast. Janet and Dick horror and dismay.]'' :'''Joel ''': Well, calamari, anybody? :'''Servo''': That was ''one'' unstable octopus. :'''Joel [as Capt. Robbins]''': Uh, I've had enough of this, Bob. I have a bird to get home to, excuse me. :'''Servo [as Capt. Robbins]''': Wait, how did he do that? :'''Capt. Robbins''': ''[solemnly]'' He tampered in God's domain. :'''Crow''': Oh great, the nutty birdman from Apartment 4B is gonna give us a religious insight. :''[the credits get shown]'' :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Joel''': Mhm. :'''Servo''': Loser. :'''Crow''': Yeah. :'''Servo''': Loser. ''[Joel and Crow laugh]'' [[w:Harvey B. Dunn|Harvey B. Loser]]. George Bec-loser. [[w:Paul Marco|Paul Loser Marco]]. Don "The Big Loser" Nagel. [[w:Bud Osborne|Bud Big Ol' Loser Osborne]]. John Wanky Loser Warren. Ann- for crying out loud... ''[they get up to leave]'' :'''Crow''': But the drunk was good. Ben Frommer? :'''Servo''': The drunk was ''real'' good. :'''Crow''': Oh, yeah! === [[w:Manos: The Hands of Fate|Manos: The Hands of Fate]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[introducing the movie]'' Dig this, mes amis: your "average Joe" has never seen a film like today's experiment. Your "average person" on the street has not even begun to conceptualize the horror which is your experiment today, Mr. "Joel Average". I give to you: '''"Manos": The Hands of Fate''', served with a short: the stirring conclusion to ''Hired!''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel's Invention Exchange is a machine that merges comic strips.]'' :'''Joel, Servo, Crow''': Ziggy had Garfield neutered?! Now that's funny! ==== Hired! Part 2 (short) ==== :''[The short begins]'' :'''Crow''': Previously on "Hired!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren has a sales meeting with all his employees.]'' :'''Joel [as Warren]''': We're gonna have leadership the way my old man told me! You, put a handkerchief on your head! You, swat at imaginary elves! You, rock on the porch all night! :'''Mr. Warren''': Sales are the most important thing in this business. :'''Servo [as Warren]''': Seeing as how we're salesmen, and all. :'''Mr. Warren''': We're gonna work closer together than we have in the past in order to get more sales. :'''Joel [as Warren]''': But first — martinis! :'''Mr. Warren''': Jimmy, I want to talk with you first. :'''Crow [as Warren]''': 'Cause you've got the most problems. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Warren and Jimmy are having a meeting to discuss sales techniques.]'' :'''Mr. Warren''': I'll go along with you this morning, Jimmy, on these first two calls. :'''Jimmy''': Gee, that'll be swell, Mr. Warren. I'll sure appreciate your help. I always learn something, too, when we go out together. :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Yeah, maybe I can kiss your butt on the way out, huh? How about that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Warren''': ''[instructing his employees of what his old collegaues Harry had him do]'' I remember one of the first things Harry drilled into me- :'''Crow''': ''[as Warren]'' -was Harry! ''[Joel scoffs at Crow]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[While on a test drive, the film cuts suddenly to show the salesman and customer have switched places.]'' :'''Joel''': Zintar gets the most sales because he's a shapeshifter! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another clean-cut salesman in a three-piece suit talks to Mr. Warren.]'' :'''Joel [as [[w:Joseph McCarthy|Senator McCarthy]]&thinsp;]''': Are you now, or have you ever been, a [[w:Ford Motor Company|Ford]] owner? ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate (movie) ==== :'''Servo''': So we've gotta be, what, half an hour into this movie by now, right? :'''Joel''': No, actually, it's more like a minute. :'''Servo''': ''[stunned]'' ...No. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jazz singer is heard over the opening credits.]'' :'''Servo''': I guess they picked up [[w:Shirley Bassey|Shirley Bassey]] hitchhiking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': Where did this place come from? It wasn't here a few minutes ago. :'''Crow''': Maybe it's ''[[w:Brigadoon|Brigadoon]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': You know, every frame of this movie looks like someone's last known photograph. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Torgo, whose thighs and knees appear to be hugely swollen, shambles unevenly to fetch luggage.]'' :'''Joel''': Ah… that's not how you wear your [[w:Depends|Depends]], Torgo. :'''Crow''': Been hitting the [[w:Thighmaster|Thighmaster]], Torgo? : . . . :'''Servo''': Like having [[w:Joe Cocker|Joe Cocker]] as your bellhop. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael goes outside to find the source of the howls.]'' :'''Joel [as Michael]''': Hey, look — I know you're an evil hellbeast, but could you hold it down?! It's after nine, and we got kids! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Debbie walks around with the Master's dog]'' :'''Crow [as Debbie]''': It's a devil and it's fun! :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': His name is Mephisto! Can we keep him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master has just awoken his wives, now chattering in a circle as he looks on, annoyed.]'' :'''Crow [as The Master]''': What was I thinking? :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Women who lunch. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': And the Manos who love them — next [[w:Phil Donahue|Donahue]]. : . . . :'''Joel''': You know, this scene is strong enough for a Manos, but made for a Womanos. :'''Servo''': ...and now, back to We Married Manos! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The wives, clad in white, diaphanous robes, are fighting each other.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, the talks broke down at this point. :'''Servo''': Looks like the [[w:Federal Assembly of Russia|Russian Parliament]]. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': Next on [[w:ESPN|ESPN]], full contact nightgown wrestling! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Designing Women|Designing Women]]'', the lost episodes. :'''Servo [as Prof. Canning]''': And now, [[w:list of Monty Python's Flying Circus episodes#11. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra Goes to the Bathroom|the Manos Women's Guild will reenact]] the Battle of [[w:Pearl Harbor|Pearl Harbor]]. :'''Joel''': You know, this was the alternate ending to ''[[w:Beaches (movie)|Beaches]]''. :'''Crow''': I see London, I see France, I see ''everybody's'' underpants! : . . . :'''Servo''': You know, this isn't ''[[w:Lysistrata|Lysistrata]]''. I ''like'' it, but it isn't ''Lysistrata''! : . . . :'''Joel''':You know after this they're gonna laugh and cry and pierce each others ears. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Wilson Phillips|Wilson Phillips]] breakup. : . . . :'''Servo''': I'm guessing ''this'' is the whole reason this movie was made. <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Master''': Silence! :'''Joel''': Is golden! :'''The Master''': ''Silence!'' :'''Joel''': ''Is golden!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master stands in Torgo's room as Torgo awakens from sleep and slowly gets up from the bed, which results in about a minute-long period of silence and nothing happening.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[snapping]'' ''DO SOMETHING!!!'' God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master points towards someting off-screen]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dramatically]'' Pull my finger! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Ladies and gentlemen! Tonight, at the [[w:Copacabana|Copacabana]], Jules Bedel proudly presents: [[w:Pat Benatar|Pat Benatar]] and [[w:Tricia Nixon|Tricia Nixon]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As black smoke rises from a pyre, the Master beckons Torgo to rise from the floor.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "[[w:Smoke on the Water|Smoke on the Water]]"]'' Smoke on the weirdo… :'''Crow [as Bela Lugosi]''': Come here. :'''Joel''': The new Pope has not been chosen. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Master spreads his arms, revealing the hands on his cape.]'' :'''Crow''': I wish those hands would just push him over! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Joel''': Meanwhile, in Toledo... :'''Servo''': No, wait. Did this movie just lap itself? :. . . :'''Crow''': This must be a weekly series. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the end credits roll...]'' :'''Crow''': Crew? They had a crew!? I do ''not'' believe they had a crew! :'''Joel''': Okay, everybody pick out someone you wanna punch. :'''Servo''': Where to start? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': If you'd like to contact Harold P. Warren, look in the Yellow Pages for the Fertilizer Corporation of Texas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's penultimate card reads "The End?"]'' :'''Crow''': The end? Yes. I mean, no. I wanna change my answer! :'''Joel''': No. Always wonder. :''[Servo waits impatiently for the card to change.]'' :'''Servo''': COME ON! :''[The last card fades in, thanking the city of El Paso.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, El Paso! Good night! We're out of here! :'''Joel''': We're going to take a break, we've been Manos: The Hands Of Fate. :''[They leave the theater.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Mads have just had a pizza delivered by Torgo.]'' :'''Frank''': Say, it's been two hours, but this pizza is still warm! :''[Dr. Forrester and Frank suddenly look at each other in horror, and vomit.]'' :'''Torgo''': They always do that! == Season 5 == === [[w:Warrior of the Lost World|Warrior of the Lost World]] === :'''Nastasia''': Do you want survival? :'''Joel [as [[w:Sally Struthers|Sally Struthers]]]''': Sure, we all do! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group of henchmen run around a corner and immediately get shot to death.]'' :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Whoa! That was dumb, can't believe we did that! <hr width="50%"/> :''["Megaweapon" bears down on the hero and his ragtag band.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Megaweapon! Megaweapon! Megaweapon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil Prosser commands brainwashed Nastasia to hold a handgun to her own head.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': She's got a Lady Hemingway! {{hnote|Combining the names of the ''Lady Remington'' electric shaver and writer Ernest Hemingway, who shot himself in the head.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The end credits roll, ending with the dedication "For John"]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': John? Heh, this movie belongs in the john. === [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]] === :''[Hercules and his fellow sailors confront a field of women in tight shorts, tunics, and silly caps, armed with bows.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Attack of the Mary Martins! {{hnote|One of actress Mary Martin's most famous roles was of the similarly-dressed boy-sprite Peter Pan.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules is choking a lion.]'' :'''Joel [as lion]''': Aww, Herc, I was kidding. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Hercules kills the lion a group of cavalry appear]'' :'''Joel [as a cavalry man]''': Hi, we've come to get Scruffy, our pet lion! OH MY GOD! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Huge Cloud is seen on screen with some of the sun peaking through]'' :'''Crow''': There will be patches of scattered god today. === [[w:Swamp Women|Swamp Diamonds]] === ==== What to Do on a Date (short) ==== :''[The titles appear.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I need to know what ''not'' to do on a date! Hahaha! :''[A person's name with 'Ph.D.' attached to it appears.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': What, she has a Ph.D. in dating? :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': Oh no, this is like having your ''mom'' talk to you about sex! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nick''': Uh, Kay… you wouldn't want to help get the scavenger sale ready at the community center… would you? :'''Joel [as Kay]''': How many ways can I say "no"?! :'''Kay''': Oh, I've been hearing about that. Yes, I'd like to ''very'' much. :'''Crow [as Kay]''': Is it okay if I bring my boyfriend Dave? : . . . :'''Nick''': I sure didn't think she'd go to a place like that for a ''date''. :'''Joel [as Nick]''': … with a loser like me. :'''Nick''': Where's my racket? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': I should spank myself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kay steps behind Nick while holding a hammer]'' :'''Joel''': Kay's worked on the kill floor - she knows where to deliver the blow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': How does Jeff get ideas like that? :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': From the voices inside his head. :''[Nick notices piece of paper on bulletin board]'' :'''Narrator''': Wait a minute, maybe ''this'' is where Jeff gets his ideas! :'''Joel''': The lunch menu? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick loads sandwiches onto his plate at the food table.]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, Nick, other people have to eat, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Ice cream? I love this party! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Had this been an actual date, [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|you would have been instructed where to go]]. ==== Swamp Diamonds (movie) ==== :''[During one of the many, many girl fights.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland's]] bra! I have seen the Promised Land! === [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|Secret Agent Super Dragon]] === :''[opening credits roll along shot of desktop with a phone, gun, & smoldering cigarette]'' :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' Oh, wow! I bet this guy's so cool! He ''smokes'', carries a ''gun'', and... ''[deflating]'' makes a lot of... phone calls... === [[w:Sadko (film)|The Magic Voyage of Sinbad]] === :''[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as someone in the crowd]''': [[w:Blazing Saddles|Howard Johnson is right!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel]]''': It's noon and he's still [[w:filibuster|filibustering!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]'' :'''Crow''': They're test-marketing [[w:Crystal Pepsi|Crystal Pepsi.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sinbad's ships approach an island whose residents wear giant horned helmets and cloaks.]'' :'''Crow''': They look like the [[w:Knights who say Ni|Knights Who Say "Ni!"]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It seems as if everybody who's anybody is here tonight. :'''Crow''': That's because they knew you'd be wearing that dress. Wow. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[laughing a little too hard]'' We were wondering... what would ''you'' do if Sinbad came to your town? ''[laughs again]'' Wouldn't you want the city council to do something about it? Let's watch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': That wasn't Sinbad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': WHO ARE YOU!?!? === [[w:Eegah|Eegah!]] === :''[Roxy walks up to her little car.]'' :'''Crow [as Roxy]''': Taxi! ...Oh, I drove. :. . . :'''Servo''': Y'know, the nice thing about this car is she can fold it up and put it in her purse. <hr width="50%"> :''[Roxie parks her car at Tommy's service station and honks her horn. Tommy, played by the homely [[w:Arch Hall, Jr.|Arch Hall, Jr.]], looks up.]'' :'''[[w:Crow|Crow]]''': ''Honk'' if you love Eegah! :'''Tommy''': Hi, Roxie! :'''[[w: Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Tommy]''': Sorry about my face!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The not-so-intrepid Robert I. Miller goes exploring in the desert.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Oh, look, he's wearing corrective shoes with black socks. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': He's wearing corrective everything! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy drives up as Eegah runs from Roxie's car. Roxie screams.]'' :'''Tommy''': Roxie! It's me, Tom! :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]] [as Roxie]''': That's why I'm screaming! AAAAAAAAA!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the desert, Dr. Miller, Roxy, and Tommy are examining the giant's tracks.]'' :'''Dr. Miller''': He left the road right here. :'''Dr. Miller''': ''[ [[w:Automated dialogue replacement|dubbed voiceover]] ]'' Watch out for snakes! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Who said that?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tommy sings and plays an electric guitar by the motel pool.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, it looks like it hurts to be him. :'''Servo [as Motel Staff on Loudspeaker]''': Uh, will the gentleman by the pool please discontinue the song? And watch out for snakes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over yet another disgusting close-up of Arch Hall Jr.]'' :'''Joel''': I figured it out, he looks like the bat from ''[[w:FernGully: The Last Rainforest|FernGully]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah introduces Roxie to his mummified relatives.]'' :'''Roxie''': Um... how do you do? :'''Crow [as corpse]''': I'm really, really dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Eegah once again carries off Roxy.]'' :'''Joel''': Man, she gets picked up so much, she should have a handle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Miller, trying to escape, carefully packs all his things into his plaid bag.]'' :'''Joel''': Oh, yeah. Don't forget your little satchel. :'''Crow''': That purse will be the death of him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eegah returns to his cave, carrying flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as Eegah]''': ''[singing]'' Red roses for a blue ladyyyy... :'''Crow and Servo''': ''[in unison]'' [[w:Hooked on a Feeling|'''EE'''GAH SHUCKA! '''EE'''GAH! '''EE'''GAH!]] :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' I can't stop this feelin'... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a dress store]'': :'''Crow''': It's Frederick's of Maplewood. :'''Joel [as Announcer]''': ''The Loretta Young Show''! :''[Crow imitiates an audience roaring while Servo imitates the theme]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as The Cryptkeeper]''': Welcome to the Crypt! We've dug up something for you! ''[chuckles]'' Why not stick around and watch ''Dream On''? It's the ''breast'' show on TV! ''[to Joel]'' Kill me. === [[w:I Accuse My Parents|I Accuse My Parents]] === :''[Servo has Crow cover him in skin-color paint to fufill his desire to be a "real boy"]'' :'''Servo''': The human body in all its many shapes and sizes is a wonder to behold! Today I emerge from my metal chrysalis... I am no longer Tom Servo- mere robot; I am now Tom Servo- real live boy! Ah-ha! Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails, that's what Tommy boy's made of! :'''Joel''': Really, huh? I knew this was gonna happen someday- you've come down with Pinocchio Syndrome! :'''Servo''': Nonsense! It has always been my dream to be a real live boy; and now, I am that very thing. :'''Joel''': Why? There's millions of real live boys on Earth; [but] there's only '''one''' Tom Servo! :'''Servo''': I want to run and jump and skin my knees! :'''Crow''': You don't have any legs. :'''Servo''': I- I wanna catch frogs down by the ol' swimming hole. :'''Crow''': Your arms don't even work. :'''Servo''': ''[starting to become forlorn]'' I want to experience the world of emotions and feelings! :'''Crow''': ''[bluntly]'' You'll get beat up, because you're a freak. :'''Servo''': ''[sorrowfully, as Joel comforts him]'' Oh; now I ''know'' I'm a real life boy- I can feel my heart breaking. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joel presents his Invention Exchange piece- the Junk Drawer Organizer, making a place for all the assorted bits and rubbish that fill up the junk drawer]'' :'''Crow''': How many times have you been rummaging through wondering to yourself "''Where did I put that gun?''". Well, now there's a place for it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank absent-mindedly baked a Chippendales dancer into the Mads' latest experiment "Cake n' Shake"; the dancer's (still alive) hand poking out of the half-disassembled cake]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, hey! :'''Dr. Forrester''': The Jaws of Life, Frank! Get the Jaws of Life! :'''TV's Frank''': ''[offers the dancer his slice of cake]'' Cake? . . . :''[after finally digging the dancer free at the end of the episode]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Sorry we missed you, Joel. We almost came this close to losing- :'''Dancer''': Rodney. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Right! Almost lost Rodney. I apologize for all of this; I'd like to make it worth your while. ''[offers him tip money, while Rodney starts a strip-tease dance]'' No thank you, it's fine. You've done enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel''': Okay, so, is everybody done with their art-therapy project? :'''Gypsy''': Mm-hmm. :'''Tom Servo''': Joel, what's the point of this art-therapy stuff, anyway, huh? :'''Joel''': Well, by having you draw pictures of your idealized family, maybe you can escape some of the deep psychological problems that Jimmy, the star of today's movie, suffered because of his family. So let's see what you've drawn, okay? This is Crow's... . :''[Crow's drawing is a giant version of himself with a handlebar mustache, knives for hands, and lasers firing from his chest, walking down a city street crushing buildings]'' :'''Servo''': Huh. :'''Crow''': That's my dad. He's all-powerful! His hands are made of stainless steel and he has lasers that shoot out of his chest. Pyeww! Pyeww! :'''Gypsy''': Ooh! :'''Crow ''': I don't have to tell ya, he's the coolest dad in the whole neighborhood. And when we go to father-son picnics, we win every event. And he dispenses homespun wisdom and teaches solid Midwestern values while crushing all who block his path! :'''Gypsy''': Ahh... . :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And what about the handlebar mustache? :'''Crow''': Uh... .I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see here. ''[writes]'' "Oral obsession with mustache indicates nasal-labial shame." Good, okay. Now let's see yours here, Tom. What's this? :''[Tom's drawing is two women holding hands, with a big robot standing behind them]'' :'''Servo''': Okeydoke! Uh, that's my mom, my dad and my mom. My mom is Hayley Mills, my dad is Gigantor and my mom is Peggy Cass. :'''Joel''': Uh huh. And why are your moms holding hands, Tom? :'''Servo''': I dunno. :'''Joel''': Okay, let's see... . ''[writes]'' "Latent "Parent Trap" syndrome." ''[aside whisper]'' Man should be in a straitjacket! ''[addresses Gypsy]'' Okay, Gypsy, this one's really nice, what about this one? :''[Gypsy's is of her, Crow, Joel, Tom and Cambot--holding hands, with Richard Basehart looking down on them from a cloud overhead]'' :''Gypsy''': Well, Joel, my ideal family is right here! And I know Richard Basehart watches over us all. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's really sweet, Gypsy. But tell me, why does Richard Basehart get to play God? :'''Gypsy''': I dunno. :'''Crow''': Uh, Joel? Why are you spending your time psychoanalyzing robots? :'''Joel''': Um... .I don't know. :''[Short but awkward silence]'' :'''Joel''': I'm kidding, of course. :''[Commercial sign]'' :'''Joel''': We'll be right back. I do know! I really do know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[sing-song, about Jimmy's whole decision process in the movie]'' Jim's crazy- :'''Crow''': '''And''' stupid. :'''Servo''': -crazy for accusing his par~ents! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh well, We'll have to take it from the top. ==== The Truck Farmer (short) ==== :''[Over the opening logo (The letters EB in a circle), titles, and credits of this Encyclopedia Britannica film...]'' :'''Joel''': Easter Bunny films presents... :'''Servo''': "Truck Farmer": The special edition. Includes scenes the studio thought too graphic for audiences. :'''Crow''': Wonder if they sold this film door to door? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Most of us think that these people were really free... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': But they were just stupid! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tractor is clearing down trees for farming.]'' :'''Crow''': Aah! It's [[w:Killdozer! (film)|Killdozer!]] [[w:Clint Walker|Clint Walker]], no! :'''Servo''': Here, thousands of acres of rainforest are cleared away. Who cares? :'''Crow [as driver]''': Stupid trees! God, I hate them. :'''Joel''': Early [[w:tractor pulling|tractor pulls]], not that much fun. This is the freestyle competition. :'''Crow''': Don't see many of these trees anymore. Well, down it goes. :'''Servo''': The sad thing is this guy doesn't even work for anybody. He's just doing this for kicks! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to the ''[[w:Speed Racer|Speed Racer]]'' theme]'' :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer! :: Go, Speed Farmer, go! : . . . :'''Servo''': There's something you don't see every day. :'''Joel''': What's that? :'''Servo''': A farmer with all his limbs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gang is quacking along with the background music.]'' :'''Servo''': Now "Duck News". Here's Hugh McQuackin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cut to a single, long irrigation ditch in a grove.]'' :'''Narrator''': A complicated system of irrigation is used. :'''Joel''': Oh, real ''complicated''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in the Rio Grande delta, Mexican citizens who cross the border on temporary work permits, help. :'''Crow''': They make it sound so nice! : . . . :''[A young Mexican woman picks carrots under the merciless sun.]'' :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': A preteen is put to work. Her beauty will soon fade. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The carrots are washed first. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're made flavorless so people will buy steak! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Some carrots are frozen. :'''Crow''': Some carrots are humiliated publicly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Here in southern Texas, they have an additional problem... :'''Crow''': Texans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Men spray ice into a large shipping container with a huge fire hose]'' :'''Narrator''': The vegetables are shipped in special, refrigerated containers. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Later, this device is used to beat back the workers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Towards the end of the short, which has mostly consisted just of shots of people farming...]'' :'''Joel''': Wait a minute, has anybody seen a truck yet? ==== I Accuse My Parents (movie) ==== :''[During the opening PRC (Producers Releasing Corporation) logo...]'' :'''Servo''': Penile Replacement Corporation pictures presents... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:John_Bradshaw_%28author%29|John Bradshaw]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the title sequence]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' They laughed when I Accused my Parents and I kill them... Let's see if they are laughing now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Jimmy's trial...]'' :'''Jimmy''': Maybe I shouldn't say this, Your Honor... :'''Joel [as Jimmy]''': ...but I'm [[w:Esther Rolle|Esther Rolle]]! :'''Jimmy''': But... I accuse my parents! :''[Everyone applauds.]'' :'''Servo''': Yes! We have a title! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': ''[recurring, whenever Jimmy makes an big lie]'' Liar! Liar! Liar! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kitty''': ''[singing]'' Are you happy... :'''Crow''': Define "happy!" :'''Kitty''': ...In your work... :'''Joel''': Oh, don't sing this to me on a Monday... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty abruptly breaks off her relationship with Jimmy.]'' :'''Kitty''': You'll always be a shoe salesman at $25 a week. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Eighteen, after taxes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lumpy-haired Kitty cries after Blake forces her to break up with Jimmy.]'' :'''Servo [as Kitty]''': If I had parents, I'd accuse them right now! :'''Crow''': I accuse her hair! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kitty singing another song, while internally still thinking about Jimmy]'' :'''Kitty''': Why did you leave me? :'''Joel''': You told him to! :'''Kitty''': Please, hear my plea- :'''Servo''': '''Not guilty'''! :'''Kitty''': -Where can you be? :'''Crow''': The audience is frankly stunned. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy is found not guilty of murdering crime boss Blake after explaining the whole story in court, but instead sentenced to probation under his family's care for his complecancy in Blake's string of robberies]'' :'''Joel''': ''[as Jimmy]'' Thank God I'm white! === [[w:O.K. Connery|Operation Double 007]] === :''[During the opening title song, which praises all the wonderful qualities of [[w:Neil Connery|Neil Connery]]...]'' :'''Joel''': ''[singing]'' He gets his haircut on Tuesdays! :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' He prefers stuffing to potatoes! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' His favorite movie is ''[[w:Turner and Hooch|Turner and Hooch]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Neil Connery prepares to hypnotize his patient, Miss Yashuko. He tents his fingers in concentration.]'' :'''Joel''': All right, here's the church, here's the steeple, open the door and go to sleeple. <hr width="50%"/> :''[on the S.O.L. bridge, Joel dresses like a Bond villain, as the Bots dress as his henchmen]'' :'''Joel''': Alright, it's time for my daily back rub; who's going to do the honors? :'''Servo''': Joel, none of us having working arms. :'''Joel''': '''''I know'''''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After an hour or so of no discernible plot development, Mr. Thayer discusses the details of his evil plan.]'' :'''Mr. Thayer''': Everything will go on, as if nothing happened. :'''Joel''': Nothing ''has'' happened... === [[w:The Girl in Lovers Lane|The Girl in Lovers Lane]] === :''[Singing to the opening credits theme]'' :'''Servo''': The Girl in Lover's Lane... :'''Crow''': With [[w:Jack Elam|Jack Elam]], not [[w: Jack LaLanne|Jack LaLanne]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera view pans directly in front of an oncoming train]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, Camera 3, get off the track. Camera 3, oh dear God- ''[the train zooms forward while Joel and the bots scream in shock, and it smash cuts to commercial break]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Well-off but naive runaway Danny latches onto professional hobo Bix Dugan. They stroll through a small town.]'' :'''Danny''': I'm hungry! Let's get something to eat. :'''Bix''': That's a good idea. :'''Servo [as Bix]''': You're catchin' on, kid. That was very insightful of you. :''[The two enter a diner.]'' :'''Joel [as Danny]''': We're hungry, but I thought of it! Ya know— d'ya think that could be my new job, Bix — decidin' when ta eat? :'''Crow [as Bix]''': Shut up, Danny. :'''Joel [as Danny]''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow takes "What a Pleasant Journey" (aka "The Train Song") in a different direction.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]''': ''[singing]'' :: The 5:15 from Duluth, :: Oh my! It just derailed! :: The toxic waste is spillin', :: The conductor's been impaled. :: A benzene cloud has risen :: And the whole town's startin' to cough. :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to the beat]'' [cough, cough] … [cough, cough] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' :: Within a matter of day-eeez, :: All of our skin will fall off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bix heads off to the local brothel to collect Danny after he got seduced by co-worker Pete's girlfriend (who works at said brothel), when he comes across a young woman bathing who starts to hit on him]'' :'''Bathing Woman''': ''[to Bix]'' Are you in the right room now? :'''Servo''': ''[as Bix]'' Oh, I've never been in a righter room in my life! :'''Crow''': ''[as Bix]'' If this room is '''wrong''', I don't wanna be '''''right'''''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carrie's delivery man/stalker Jesse is unnerving her at the diner, and Bix decides to confront him]'' :'''Jesse''': I want the girl (Carrie). :'''Bix''': I told you, she's busy. :'''Crow''': ''[as Jesse]'' Well, can you put on a dress and say "May I help you?" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Crow is dressed as Jack Elam's character Jesse.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Robot Monster|To live like the E-lam...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carrie lets out a loud scream as she dies in Bix's arms, alarming a young couple in the park]'' :'''Crow''': Oh; [[w:Edvard Munch|Edvard Munch]] was here! :'''Woman''': What was that? :'''Servo''': ''[as man]'' I don't know- I just arrived in this film. . . . :''[the man in the couple runs back to the car after seeing Bix holding the dead Carrie close]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as man]'' We drove onto a movie set; let's get out of here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bix tries to convince a mob led by the distraught father of Carrie that he didn't actually kill the girl]'' :'''Bix''': I wouldn't hurt her; I loved her! :'''Carrie's Father''': You '''''loved her'''''?! ''[throws a punch to Bix's jaw]'' :'''Servo''': ''[as Carrie's Father]'' That's great! :'''Carrie's Father''': She tied you down; that's what you said- I heard you myself! :'''Joel''': ''[sarcastically]'' Carrie's dad really shines in a crisis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow and Servo pitch an alternate ending to the film, which starts veering into a whole new direction]'' :'''Crow''': Then... there are pygmies! They live in a vast Pgymy kingdom. . . . :'''Servo''': See, the pygmies get a bus; and they drive all the way out to Hollywood! :'''Crow''': ''[aside to Servo]'' (To) Florida (actually). :'''Servo''': ...Florida! And then they head for the stars. Then you learn some kind of lesson, then you go home. :'''Crow''': Now '''that's''' a better ending! === [[w:The Painted Hills|The Painted Hills]] === ==== Body Care and Grooming (short) ==== :''[The title Body Care and Grooming appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Is this an infomercial? Where's Cher? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV announcer]''': Body Care. And Grooming. They're cops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens on a shot of several college-age couples looking lovey-dovey all across campus.]'' :'''Narrator''': Ah, spring! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Filthy, shameful spring! :. . . :'''Joel''': You know, people were ''whiter'' back then. :'''Narrator''': When a young man's fancy lightly turns to... :'''Crow''': Underpants. :'''Narrator''': ...Love. :'''Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of slovenly girl.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair! :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I ''like'' her hair! :'''Narrator''': And that blouse! :'''Crow''': ''[lasciviously]'' I'm looking, I'm looking! :... :''[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]'' :'''Narrator''': Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being! :'''Joel''': ''[bitterly]'' You know, make him want to ''grope'' you and ''paw'' at you! :. . . :''[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Those... n-nose. :. . . :'''Crow''': We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it! :''[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]'' :'''Crow [as young man]''': Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera focuses on a woman with a good appearance. Shortly after, it focuses on a woman looking discomforted and fidgeting around.]'' :'''Narrator''': Clothes are important. Besides fitting well and looking well, the clothes should be appropriate for the occasion. Wearing inappropriate clothes, like these shoes— :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Is immoral. :'''Narrator''': —is a sure way to make yourself uncomfortable... and conspicuous. :'''Crow''': Expressing individualism is just plain ''wrong''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Besides accumulating sweat, the skin is also constantly picking up dirt, dust, grit, and other foreign particles. :'''Crow''': Skin sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': One of these is cleansing cream. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': One of these is [[w:Nitric acid|nitric acid]]. Choose wisely. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short closes with the cleaned-up teens going to bed.]'' :'''Narrator''': And so... the end of a perfect day. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': An entire day spent grooming. : . . . :'''Narrator''': And you... :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': Jezebel! :'''Narrator''': ...by following these simple rules of body care and grooming, you too will [have] that quality of appearance, that feeling of well-being, so important to make your dreams of happiness come true. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And remember—when you [[w:Masturbation|touch yourself]], the saints cry. Goodnight. :''[As we fade out...]'' :'''Joel''': KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! KEEP WATCHING THE MEDICINE CABINETS! :'''Crow''': You're next! :''[A few more names appear]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, let's not forget ''these guys''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Tonight on "The Advocates," our debate will be about the woman from today's short. Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot will argue over whether she's more attractive sloppy, or clean Representing sloppy will be Crow. Representing clean will be Servo. I will be your moderator. The outcome will be decided by Joel Robinson. I now turn the floor over to Crow. :'''Crow''': I like her sloppy. While her well-groomed - in other words, square - classmates were listening to Pat Boone and Patti Page, she was at the local jazz club, groovin' to Miles, Monk, and Coltrane. While her classmates were struggling to make it through an issue of Reader's Digest, she was the only woman on campus who can freely quote Henry Miller. She may be sloppy, but she fits deeply into my idea of paradise. Thank You. :'''Gypsy''': Tom Servo, :'''Servo''': Thank you, Gypsy. I like her clean, 'cause it just shows that she wants to change the system from within. Sure she's a seething cauldron of passion, but she wears clean underpants, and she knows where her shirt is in the morning. Call her what you will - a Scoop Jackson Democrat or a Jacob Javits Republican - either way, she's the stuff that dreams are made of. Thank you, :'''Gypsy''': And now Joel Robinson will render his verdict. :'''Joel''': Well, thank you, Gypsy. Uh, both of these issues are complex, and there are no easy answers, but Crow is right. :'''Crow''': Woo-hoo! I'm right, I'm right! :'''Servo''': Wait a minute, Joel! Now, the whole subject of cleanliness and grooming is very important to me, and I know a much more effective way to resolve this issue. :'''Joel''': Well, how's that? :'''Servo''': A spitting contest! :''[Spits on Joel and he and Crow try to spit each other behind Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wait! wait! Hey, knock it off! Hey! ==== The Painted Hills (movie) ==== :''[Over the credit for screenwriter True Boardman]'' :'''Joel''': Yeah, I'm afraid ''we're'' gonna be true bored men after this... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Now, is this the real Old West, or the [[w:Roy Rogers|Roy Rogers]] Old West where they had electricity and cars? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': Thirty years of mud scrabblin', and when I do find the glory dust, I go off half-cocked! :'''Crow [as Jonathan]''': But enough vernacular... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Taylor''': Never mind the dog, Tommy... :'''Servo [as Taylor]''': [[w:Never Mind the Bollocks, Here's the Sex Pistols|Here's the Sex Pistols]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In response to a corral that suddenly appears]'' :'''Servo''': How did that corral get there?<br> :'''Crow''': They used [[w:CorelDRAW|CorelDraw]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a scenic shot of a mountain]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Mount Rushmore|Mount Rushmore]]!...Before it was built. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a long montage depicting Tommy, Jonathan, Taylor, and Shep working together on Jonathan's mining site, the scene fades to a shot of Taylor looking out the window of the cabin.]'' :'''Joel [as Taylor]''': Well, looks like the montage finally blew over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pilot Pete saddles up his horse and heads away from Jonathan's cabin after a brief, uneventful stay.]'' :'''Crow''': So this guy comes in, stops the plot cold, and leaves. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Shep]''': SNAUSAGES! === [[w:Gunslinger (film)|Gunslinger]] === :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[Stopping his scan of TV's Frank's brain and looking at the camera]'' Ah, Joel. Your experiment this week is your first western. It's called "Gunslinger" and it stars [[w:Beverly Garland|Beverly Garland]] in her pre-[[w:Scarecrow and Mrs. King|Dotty]] period. :'''TV's Frank''': Beverly Garland. ''[growls, but is cut off by another scan]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': And it's directed by Roger Corman, so your brain might explode before Frank's does. ''[turns back to scan Frank before looking back quickly]'' [[Die Hard|Yippie-ki-yay, mama jama]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie begins and Rose Wood walks to the Sheriff's office. Thanks to the wide-angle shot, two criminals on horseback are revealed to the side.]'' :'''Joel''': ''[As the criminals start moving]'' Ah, cue the horses! :'''Crow''': ''[Under his breath]'' Corman... :'''Servo''': ''[As the criminals stop]'' Boy, she is slick. How'd she get by us? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a barfight, a patron grabs Jake and throws him over the bar.]'' :'''Joel''': You know, he shoulda slid him across the bar. :'''Servo''': Oh, they hadn't invented that yet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]]''': Man, this movie is just sitting on my head and crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hired assassin Cain Miro is busy in his room when he hears a knock on the door. He goes up to it and opens it... outward as bar owner Erika enters]'' :'''Crow''': Wha... Doors don't open like that, there's a number... He's in the hall! :'''Cain''': Crazy coming up in here... :'''Joel [as Cain]''': ...in my hallway here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cain''': Only the good die young. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Most of us are morally ambiguous, which explains our random dying patterns. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mayor Polk puts his dead wife down, glares around the corner and reaches for where his guns should be.]'' :'''Joel [as Polk]''': Draw, er... wait a sec! :''[Polk goes into the barn and pulls out a pitchfork]'' :'''Crow''': ''[As Polk approaches Cain, to the tune of [[w:Green Acres|Green Acres]]]'' Doo-doo, do-do-do! The chores! :'''Servo''': Doo-doo, do-do-do! ''[scene switches to Cain aiming his gun]'' ...the hell? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]'' :'''Cain''': ''[drunkenly]'' You got brown eyes... :'''Servo [as Cain]''': ''[drunkenly]'' An' you got a neck. :. . . :'''Servo [as Cain]''': Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers! === [[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]] === :''[The character of [[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike Nelson]] has appeared for the first time, as a temp worker in [[w:Deep 13|Deep 13]].]'' :'''[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester (Mystery Science Theater 3000)|Dr. Forrester]]''': Here it is. ''[[w:Mitchell (film)|Mitchell]]'', starring [[w:Joe Don Baker|Joe Don Baker]] :'''Mike Nelson''': You guys watch ''Joe Don Baker'' movies? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, here it comes, Joel — ''Mitchell''! It's a… [[w:Secret Agent Super Dragon|super secret spy]]… uh, has [[w:The Sidehackers|a motorcycle]]… [[w:Marooned (film)|marooned in space]]… meets… [[w:Hercules (1958 film)|Hercules]]… or not… uhhh… watch it and weep, Joel-Prole-Mole! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits feature action shots of Mitchell to a [[w:Disco|disco]] beat.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Isaac Hayes]''': [[Shaft (1971 film)#Theme song|Who's the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine?]] :'''[[w:Joel Robinson|Joel]], [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Mitchell! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': That Mitchell is one fat s— :'''Joel, Crow''': Shut yo' mouth! :'''Servo [as Hayes]''': I'm just talkin' 'bout Mitchell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera slowly pans across a thickly tree-screened home at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Ee-gah... :'''Crow''': Shtemlo. :'''Joel''': [[w:Eegah|Watch out for snakes!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': [[Monty Python's Flying Circus|We've]] [[w:How Not to Be Seen|hidden Mitchell somewhere in this picture]]... :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Mitchell, will you stand up, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Benton stops Mitchell from following Cummings into his home.]'' :'''Benton''': No salesmen at this entrance. :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': But I'm not a salesman! I'm the [[The Thin Blue Line|Chubby Blue Line]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Daryl Gates|Daryl Gates]] on his day off. :'''Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]''': He's landed just short of the green. :'''Servo [as Other Golfers]''': Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In bed with Mitchell, Greta reaches out to return unopened beers to the bed stand, which also has a bottle of Johnson & Johnson's...]'' :'''Joel''': Baby oil! :'''Joel, Crow, Servo''': BLAAAARRRGGGHHH! :'''Servo''': ''[vomiting noises]'' :'''Crow''': Why would anybody wanna do this with Mitchell, Joel? :''[In the soundtrack, [[w:Hoyt Axton|Hoyt Axton]] continues to sing the theme song.]'' :'''Axton''': My my my my Mitchell... :'''Crow''': My my my MY GOD, NOOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid''': My mother doesn't like you :'''Mitchell''': 'Well, I don't like your mother. :'''Kid''': Why not? :'''Mitchell''': Why not? :'''Kid'''': No, why not? :'''Mitchell''': No, why not? :'''Kid''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Servo''': Tonight on Crossfire. :'''Mitchell''': Why are you repeating what I say? :'''Kid''': I'm not! :'''Mitchell''': Well ''I'm'' not! :'''Kid''': You are! :'''Mitchell''': Buzz off! :'''Kid''': What? :'''Mitchell''': What? :'''Kid''': What did you say? :'''Mitchell''': What'd you say? :'''Kid''': Did you say something? :'''Servo''': ''[losing it]'' '''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deaney''': How do you like your Scotch, Mitchell? :'''Crow [as Mitchell]''': Uh, by the quart. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hoyt resumes the theme song during the movie's closing credits.]'' :'''Hoyt Axton''': ''[singing]'' My my my my Mitchell, what would yo' momma say? :'''Crow''': She'd say, "He's not mine! You can't prove it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell spends several minutes silently committing some mysterious act of sabotage on a car. It is unclear to the viewer what exactly Mitchell is doing.]'' :'''Servo [as Mitchell]''': Why did I do that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mitchell tries to scale the fence outside Deaney's estate.]'' :'''Joel [as Mitchell]''': Man, this is hard to do after six sour cream burritos! === [[w:The Brain That Wouldn't Die|The Brain That Wouldn't Die]] === :''[In the operating room...]'' :'''Bill's Father''': I should've known he was as good as dead when they wheeled him in. :'''Servo [as Bill's Father]''': 'Cuz he got me as his doctor. : . . . :''[An air bag is being filled up and blown out with air to manipulate the dead patient's body functions, including the respiratory system, by stimulating the brain. Breathing can be heard.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael Nelson]] [as [[w:Darth Vader|Darth Vader]]]''': [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], join me or star in '''''[[w:Corvette Summer|Corvette Summer]]!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bill is going to show Jan his experiment.]'' :'''Bill''': You have the keys to your car? :''[Cut to them driving.]'' :'''Crow''': The answer: yes, she has the keys to her car. :'''Servo [as announcer]''': ''[[w:The Long, Long Trailer|The Long, Long Trailer]]!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner and Jan are in their speeding car as they pass a couple of road signs. One of them reads "Winding Road."]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, that was my [[w:The Long and Winding Road|prom theme]]! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': [[w:stop sign|Stop sign]], what stop sign? "Curve?" What curve? :''[We see a shot of an expression of horror on Cortner's face as the car crashes.]'' :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': Aughhh! The road is attacking me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner has just snatched Jan's head from the wreck and has hidden it in a blanket.]'' :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' D-Don't forget my purse! Honey? : . . . :'''Servo [as Jan]''': ''[muffled]'' You just ''had'' to go fast, didn't you? Now look, Mr. Bigshot! Now I don't have a ''body'' anymore! Are you happy? : . . . :''[Cortner runs through the woods, clutching the head in his arms.]'' :'''Mike [as Sports Announcer]''': [[w:John Riggins|Riggins]] is at the 20… He's at the 10… No one will catch him! :'''Crow''': He's either gonna win the [[w:Nobel Prize|Nobel Prize]] or the [[w:Heisman Trophy|Heisman Trophy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner falls to the ground, clutching the head and gazing accusingly at the sky]'' :'''Crow [with British accent]''': [[Fawlty Towers|Oh, thank you, God! Thank you so bloody much]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the machine keeping it alive, Jan's head is wrapped in cloth resembling a wimple]'' :'''Crow''': They saved [[w:The Flying Nun|Sister Bertrille]]'s brain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In search of a replacement body for Jan's head, Dr. Bill Cortner examines cardboard cutouts of buxom strippers at a club.]'' :'''Mike [as Cortner]''': Well, she can't have a ''cardboard'' body. I've ruled that out. :'''Crow [as Cortner]''': ''[pervertedly]'' Saaay, this could actually be an ''upgrade''... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cortner]''': Well, it's nice and all, but I want something ''sleazy''. :''[Inside the strip club (which looks suspiciously like a [[w:greasy spoon|greasy spoon]]), a dancer slithers to a porny saxophone tune.]'' :'''Mike''': If [[w:Jack Ruby|Jack Ruby]] owned a [[w:Denny's|Denny's]]. : . . . :'''Servo [as Maître d']''': Welcome to the [[w:Diane Arbus|Diane Arbus]] Cafe. : . . . :'''Mike [as Stripper]''': This dance represents that there are ''no baked potatoes'' until ''after five''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan is talking after Cortner has saved her head.]'' :'''Crow''': Doesn't she need lungs? :'''Servo''': No, she's got neck juice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Assistant Kurt is whining about his withered and deformed arm to bodiless Jan.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jan]''': Look. You know they say there's always someone worse off? I'm that person! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jan communicates with the monster in the closet.]'' :'''Jan''': Do you understand me? Knock once if you can understand me. :'''Servo''': [[w:Knock Three Times|Knock three times]] on the ceiling if you want me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner cruises through town, eyeing shapely pedestrians, as the soundtrack continues the porny sax music.]'' :'''Servo [as Radio DJ]''': ''[sultrily]'' It's a sleazy morning out there. You're listening to K-PORN, [[w:John Holmes (actor)|Holmes]] and [[w:Harry Reems|Reems]] in the morning… sleazy, slutty music all morning long. Here's one from Skinny and the Sweat Beads. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner attends a "Body Beautiful" beauty "auction".]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Contestant number 3 slipped and her head fell off! :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': I'LL TAKE HER, I'LL TAKE HER!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cortner emerges from his vehicle, to yet another reprise of the saxophone music.]'' :'''Mike [as Radio DJ]''': Stay tuned for the Obscene Phone Call of the Day on... K-PORN! :'''Servo''': ''[echoing, hushed]'' ''K-PORN!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monster has broken the closet door off of its hinges and is reaching through the peephole, trying to strangle Cortner.]'' :'''Joel [as Cortner]''': Look... you know your business, but... if you just put the door down, you can kill me! :''[The monster shoves Cortner to the ground and starts shaking the door off of its arm.]'' :'''Servo [as Cortner]''': There, see? ''Now'' you can kill me! You can use the door! : . . . :''[The monster bites out a chunk of Cortner's neck and quickly spits it out.]'' :'''Servo [as Monster]''': That's one nasty [[w:McNugget|McNugget]]! Ew! === [[w:Teen-Age Strangler|Teen-Age Strangler]] === ==== Is This Love? (short) ==== :''[Reading the title card]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Is this love, or is it just [[w:Fatal Attraction|rough]] [[w:Basic Instinct|sex]] with [[w:Michael Douglas|Michael Douglas]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside the college dorm room]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So... Where's Waldo? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's under the bed. :''[We see Liz, an oddly mature woman, brushing her hair before bed.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Geez! How many times was she held back? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heh heh heh. :'''Liz''': Hi, Peg! :''[In the mirror, we see college girl Peg toss her books on her bed.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Peg]''': Hi, Mom. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Peg''': I think I'll send a telegram instead. :'''Liz''': Don't be silly, Peg! You always talk as if your mother were an… ogre, or something. :'''Mike [as Liz]''': Well, I've known her for fifty years… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Liz''': Honestly, Peg — I don't know how many times, ever since we were in high school together, I've heard you go on the same way about some man or other. :'''Peg''': Oh, but this is different, Liz! Really it is! :'''Mike [as Peg]''': He's anatomically correct, and everything! :'''Peg''': It's the real thing. :'''Liz''': I remember when I first felt that way about Andy. :'''Servo [as Liz]''': ...at the turn of the century. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is ending.]'' :'''Narrator''': How would you answer this question for Liz and Andrew? Peggy and Joey? :'''Servo''': [[w: Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice|Bob and Carol? Ted and Alice?]] :'''Narrator''': How can you tell? Is this love? :'''Crow''': You have ten minutes to answer the question starting now. :''[Servo imitates a clock ticking.]'' :'''Mike''': And, now stay tuned for the [[w:Clarence Thomas Supreme Court nomination#Sexual harassment allegations|Clarence Thomas-Anita Hill hearing]]. :'''Crow''': No animals were hurt during the filming of this movie. :''[A list of related film titles scrolls on the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': "How Much Affection?" :'''Crow''': "When Should I Marry?" :''[Mike and the Bots continue with fake titles.]'' :'''Mike''': "Know Your Ointments" :'''Servo''': "What's That Down There?" :'''Crow''': "When He Wants It Rough" :'''Mike''': "Procreation, Not Recreation" :'''Servo''': "Oh No, Pleasure!" :'''Crow''': "[[w:McClintock|McClintock!]]" ==== Teen-Age Strangler (movie) ==== :''[As a girl is strangled]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Splendor in the Grass|Splendor in the Grass]] 2: [[w:A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Dream Warrior]]! === [[w:The Wild World of Batwoman|The Wild Wild World of Batwoman]] === :'''Gypsy''': Should I spit on your dice now, or not, or...? ==== Cheating (short) ==== :''[Reading the opening cards]'' :'''Servo''': Cheating: How to make it work for you at home and on the job. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Centron production, although we got the idea from a different company, because we're cheating! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short opens over a large clock.]'' :'''Servo [as radio announcer]''': ''The Jack Benny Program''! :''[The clock strikes ominously.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[deeply]'' [[w:A Christmas Carol|Ebenezer Scrooge]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A phone rings.]'' :'''Crow''': For depressing phone sex, dial 1-900-ALFALFA. :''[John picks the phone up, but a ringing sound can still be heard.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the foley guy must be calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Johnny''': Why don't they call? :'''Crow''': Because they don't like you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Mother Teresa called. She hates you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': The problem to is factor x² - 9x + 20. Now how do you do it? :'''Crow [as John]''': Aw, let's just cheat! :'''John''': x² - 9x + 20. You take the x² - 9x... ''[Mary shakes her head]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Nobody home, huh? :'''John''': Oh, you subtract the x from x², and then you... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': John, this is geography! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And right there in front of you sat your pal Mary, with her head chock full of all the answers you needed. :'''Crow''': Split it open now! :'''Narrator''': You thought about it. There you were, desperate, and there was your salvation within arm's reach. :'''Servo''': On a doily. :'''Narrator''': So you decided to take a chance. :''[Johnny taps Mary on the shoulder.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': ''[loudly]'' Pssst! Hey, Mary! What's the answer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy is passing back algebra tests, and Mary's signature on hers is seen in an extreme close-up.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Your one mistake, you signed your test Mary Matthews. :''[Miss Grady hands Johnny a sheet of paper - presumably his test.]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': This contract arrived for you from a Mr. Elzebub. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Was there a shadow of doubt in Miss Grandy's face as she looked at you? :'''Crow''': Or was it lust? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Somehow, that odd little look Miss Grandy gave you seemed to haunt you. :''[As Johnny lies awake in bed, an massive image of Miss Grandy's face appears beside him as he remembers her expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': Oh, hi Miss Grandy— ''EAAAAAAGH!'' '''''AAAAAAAH! GET AWAY!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And most of all, your new job as student council representative. :''[As the narrator says this, we see Johnny standing in front of the council, silently talking about something.]'' :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I envision a cheating wing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Miss Grandy notices Mary giving an answer to Johnny]'' :'''Servo [as Miss Grandy]''': I smell a big Commie rat. :'''Miss Grandy''': John, bring it up here, please. :''[Mike imitates a buzzer repeatedly going off, Servo imitates a fire alarm going off]'' :'''Crow [as loudspeaker]''': PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN AND STEP AWAY FROM YOUR DESK! :''[Johnny slowly makes his way to the front of the classroom.]'' :'''Servo''': Fortunately, your mob ties will get you off, Johnny! :. . . :'''Crow''': And so [[w:Dana Plato|Dana Plato]]'s career begins. <hr width="50%"/> :''Jim is tacking something to the wall as Johnny approaches.'' :'''Johnny:''' Hey, Jim. What's that? :'''Jim:''' Meetin' of the student council. :'''Mike [as Jim]:''' They're hangin' you in effigy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Student council members raise their hands to vote to expel cheater Johnny from their ranks]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]], Crow, [[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Give us [[w:Barabbas|Barabbas!]] Barabbas! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But did John truly intend to be dishonest? :'''Servo''': Or was he just pure evil? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A question mark appears on-screen.]'' :'''Crow [as the [[w:Riddler|Riddler]]]''': Riddle me this, Batman! ''[cackles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Mike''': The end... for Johnny at least, you poor dope! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, guys, as enthralling as this Batwoman movie is, I just can't get this cheating short out of my mind. :'''Servo''': Mmm, ditto friend. It posts so many dilemmas like did Johnny intend to be dishonest, should Mary take the blame? :'''Mike''': Or was Mary just a pawn in Johnny's little game? :'''Gypsy''': Which begs the question of free will. What about free will? :'''Servo''': Should his classmates give him a second chance and why doesn't the accused get a chance to defend himself? :'''Mike''': Good point! And should Miss Grandy come into Johnny's bedroom uninvited and bodiless? What do you think about that, Crow? :'''Crow''': Uh, the Beatles! :'''Servo''': You haven't been paying any attention at all, have you, Crow? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hi.. Well, as unpleasant as this whole mess is, we have to address Crow's cheating. I call this meeting to order-- :'''Servo''': '''GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!''' :'''Gypsy''': Tom! C'mon, Tom. Sure Crow's made a mistake, but we should have compassion. Remember, my gumball-headed young friend, [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_quality_of_mercy_(Shakespeare_quote) The quality of mercy is not strained; It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath.] :'''Tom''': Gypsy, he stole from YOUR essay. :'''Gypsy''': Really?... '''FRY HIM!! FRY HIM!!! [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Untouchables_(film) I WANT HIS FAMILY ''DEAD!'' I WANT HIS HOUSE BURNED TO THE GROUND!]''' :'''Mike''': Gypsy, calm down. This isn't getting us anywhere. The first thing that we need to do is... Hey, who's this little guy? :'''Crow''': ''[wearing glasses and a fake mustache and carrying a tray of cups of soup]'' Ah, would you like some soup? :'''Mike''': Why, yes I would! That's exactly-- ''[realizes it's Crow]'' Ah, would you knock that off, Crow! Get out of this meeting!! ''[Crow leaves quickly]'' All right, now I think we all agree that Crow needs some sort of punishment. What should it be? :'''Servo''': Well, if I may quote from my colleague Gypsy, here... FRY HIM! FRY HIM!! BURN HIM UP!! And if I may just interject one thought of my own... TEAR HIM UP!! RIP HIM APART!! BURN HIM!! And, in conclusion... Die Die Die Die Die Die!!! Any thoughts? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': So why does Crow get a chance to respond, Mike? :'''Mike''': Well, it's due process. As the accused, he is owed a chance to defend himself. :'''Servo''': ''[wearing a chief executioner cloth and carrying an ax]'' Plus, it gives him hope and it makes killing him an even richer experience. :'''Mike''': We're not going to kill him, and take that hood off! ''[Takes the cloth off of Servo]'' :'''Crow''': Well, I'm here for my last ditch hearing. Uh, got a statement. Hi, everyone. Well! Where to start? :'''Gypsy''': Should we listen? We're shunning him. :'''Mike''': No, we should listen. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, good, it's hard to shun. I keep forgetting. :'''Crow''': : If it pleases the court? :'''Mike''': ''[hammering with a gavel]'' It pleases the court. Quiet, everyone! ''[lights dim; Crow talks to Cambot]'' :'''Crow''': : As I think back in my life, I see basically a good robot. A robust and exemplary youth was followed by an unusually religious and publicly spirited young adulthood. Then I began my life of service. Being crushed into an ingot. Being hung upside down in chains. :'''Gypsy''': You know, it's really true. :'''Crow''': Yet all that matters not for trouble has found me. I stand accused of cheating and here is where the story becomes complex. :'''Gypsy''': Complex? He copied my paper. What's so complex about--? ''[Mike hushes her up]'' :'''Crow''': If my actions, if my creative methods for obtaining information, have-- :'''Gypsy''': ''[getting agitated]'' He copied my whole paper-- :'''Crow''': ...if those methods have been perceived by some as less than on the up-and-up, this causes me so much pain. :'''Servo''': Can we just kill him now?? :'''Crow''': Perhaps, in my purity, I did not recognize temptation. The tragedy is almost too perfect. But I accept the consequences. I forgive Mike for forcing me into this situation. He did not realize the trap he was setting. I forgive Servo and Gypsy-- :'''Gypsy''': HE STOLE MY '''''FRIGGIN' PAPER!!!''''' :'''Servo''': DOWN HE GOES! DOWN! DOWN! :'''Crow''': And I forgive myself. Thank you. ''[lights come up]'' I await your verdict. :'''Mike''': Well, Crow, first up, it seems like you never really got to the apology. :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, right. In an otherwise selfless and velvet life, I have cheated. And when you cheat, you make an eat out of C and H. I'm sorry. :'''Mike''': The court finds the defendant...GUILTY! ''[Crow sobs. Mike continues cheerfully.) But he's basically a decent guy, so he and all his friends are sentenced to eating Hostess Snowballs all night long.''[The 'Bots cheer.]'' :'''Servo''': I was with you all along, buddy! I knew you'd never fry! ==== The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a movie logo for Medallion TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I have my [[w:Sobriety coin|40-year TV medallion]]. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Branded|What do you do when you're branded?]] :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' You watch TV. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The first scene after the credits is a night shot of a narrow city street lined with apartment buildings.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Network (film)|I'm as mad as hell!...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down to rest on the rears of three dancing women in tight pants.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''Holy'' cow! That's 40 pounds of butt in 30-pound-butt-capacity pants! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': They just put a bunch of movies in a blender and pressed the 'Mix' button! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera pans up to an imprisioned brunette with a typical 1960's flip hairdo]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:That Girl|Oh, Donald]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the professor dances, Batwoman secretly frees a prisoned girl.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, we've discovered Batwoman's secret power: She can open unlocked doors! :'''Servo''': So this is "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman", eh? :''[A puff of smoke goes off in the lab as someone wakes up.]'' :'''Mike''': Whahappa? :'''Servo [as TV announcer]''': Yes, it's the best hits of the 50s and 60s on 8-track and cassettes! :''[The background music continues to go on as two people continue to dance.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[in a dull voice]'' [[w:Tequila (song)|Tequila]]. :'''Crow''': Those two were once cute, tiny, lovable babies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man sits at his desk and talks to his secretary.]'' :'''Man''': Miss Benson, I'm going to the commissary for a quick bite of lunch, ring through to me if that Simpson call comes in. :'''Mike''': [[w:Montgomery Burns|Simpson, eh?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot inexplicably switches to something about underground monsters, using footage from ''[[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' Wha&mdash; that's ''The Mole People''! These movies have crashed! :'''Mike''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Mole People'' in my ''Batwoman''!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Reese's Peanut Butter Cup|You got your ''Batwoman'' in my ''Mole People''!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': You know a movie is bad bad bad if it makes the [[w:Monkees|Monkees]] look good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The cast chases each other round and round a table while ludicrous hootenanny music plays.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Little Black Sambo|Maybe they'll all turn into butter.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, Mike. This is Hell. :''' Mike''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Mike, I demand that you kill me. : '''Servo''': Me too. :'''Mike:''' No. ''[a beat]'' Will you kill me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rail-thin beatnik waiter attends to a table at a restaurant. The waiter has a very distinct hairstyle and moustache.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! Hitler! We want to order over here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The villain has just been unmasked, but due to the badness of the film, the audience already knows the villain's identity]'' :'''Servo''': Please do not reveal the secret to The Wild, Wild World of Batwoman. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plot has been resolved and nothing important is happening, but the end credits are nowhere in sight.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[screaming]'' ENDDDD! ''EEEEENNNNDDDDDD!!!'' :''[And now, at last, the film ends.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[defeated and unimpressed]'' What a wild wild world! :'''Crow''': Please stay away from sharp instruments for three weeks after viewing this film and do not operate heavy equipment, thank you! === [[w:Alien from L.A.|Alien from L.A.]] === :''[Crow wears a sergeant's hat while a blindfolded Mike disassembles Tom Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Hello, maggots! Welcome to boot camp here at Fort Satellite of Love! Today, we are going to do a field strip of one Mr. Tom Servo! I'm drill sergeant Crow T. Robot, or ''Sir'' to you toilet-water guzzlin' little mama's boys! You got that, son? :'''Mike''': ''[weakly]'' Sir, yes sir. :'''Crow''': I didn't hear you, ladybritches! :'''Mike''': I said sir, yes sir! :'''Servo''': ''[in pieces on the table]'' Can we just get on with this, Crow? I wanna watch ''[[w:Sisters (TV series)|Sisters]]''! :'''Crow''': You're not goin' nowhere, you wussy red cupcake! You gonna run home to your mama, huh? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Ooh, ooh, I'm scared... :'''Mike''': Hey Crow, c'mon... :'''Crow''': I'm the drill sergeant here, you toe-headed, contact lens-wearin' piece of toast! Now gimme the oath! :'''Mike''': Uh, [[w:Full Metal Jacket|This is my robot, there are many like it but this one is mine]]. :'''Crow''': And what is the name of your robot, boy? :'''Servo''': Servo! Tom Servo! :'''Crow''': I don't believe I was addressing ''you'', Mayonnaise! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable down there on the floor and ''give me twenty, Corporal?'' :'''Servo''': Uh, 'cause I can't? :'''Crow''': Well, now, you just bought yourself ''two hundred and twenty! Now c'mon, dickweed!'' :'''Mike''': Uh, we'll be right back. :'''Crow''': I heard that, [[w:Gomer Pyle|Pyle]]! You piece of ''filth!'' :'''Servo''': Well, several pieces, actually... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robbie tells Wanda (played by squeaky-voiced Kathy Ireland) he doesn't want to see her anymore.]'' :'''Wanda''': I thought you really liked me. You said I was special, so naturally I wanna know why! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Robbie]''': It's your helium addiction. : . . . :'''Wanda''': Why'd you even go out with me in the first place if I'm such a geek?! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Robbie]''': 'Cause I'm turned on by squeeze toys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[a plain sign with a very crude drawing of a hamburger and the word "BURGERS" is seen in the background]'' :'''Mike''': That sign is really seducing me into buying a burger! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scene of a Mediterranean style city is shown, with a domed building in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Hey it's the Blue Mosque! :'''Servo''': No, the Blue Mosque isn't on a hill. :'''Crow''': Have you <i>been</i> to Istanbul? :'''Servo''': THIS ISN'T EVEN ISTANBUL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a restless sleep, Wanda awakes with a start, her glasses askew over her nose.]'' :'''Mike [as Wanda]''': Ah! Swimsuit issue! :'''Crow [as Wanda]''': This whole room smells like my eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]'' :'''Wanda''': Dad? :'''Mike''': Look, your dad's not responsible for ''everything'' that happens in the world! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy Ireland]''': This door sounds brown! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a man in a little car rides wildly past in the foreground...]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa-oa-oa! Don't ride the Wild Mouse, it's not saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wanda begins to explain about what happened to her father, but Charmin suddenly stops her.]'' :'''Charmin''': Wait a minute...is that really your voice? :'''Servo''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, jeez, I'd slap this movie if I could! === [[w:Beginning of the End (film)|Beginning of the End]] === :''[All three are sitting in the front seat; Audrey is driving, Ed in the center:]'' :'''Mike [as Audrey]''': Wait, this isn't a stick shift... ''AAGGGHHH!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The National Guard retreat from the attacking grasshoppers.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as soldier]''': [[w:One weekend a month, two weeks a year|One weekend a month my ass!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The military downs one giant grasshopper, but the others close in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grasshopper]''': They got [[w:Jiminy_Cricket|Jiminy]]! Get em! :. . . :'''Mike [as general]''': We have got to get organized! We should not be losing to ''grasshoppers'', people! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The heroes are observing a captured grasshopper when the general walks in.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as general]''': I just came to see what you did with the grant money...Oh my God! :. . . :''[As the grasshopper breaks free, [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves']]s character picks up a gun and begins firing wildly at it.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Pete! Pete! ''Short, controlled'' bursts! <hr width="50%"> :''[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': When [[w:Brian Eno|Brian Eno]] ruled Chicago. <hr width="50%"> :''[Over yet another shot of the lush rolling countryside with mountains in the distance]'' :'''Mike''': Guys, this is so ''not'' Illinois. === [[w:Monstrosity (film)|The Atomic Brain]] === :''[(Servo has been outfitted with gadgets and thermometers all over his body. Most noticeable are the anemometer and weather vane atop his dome.]'' :'''Mike''': So, then, with just this little weather kit, you've transformed yourself into, uh, what was it again? :'''Servo''': Weather Servo Nine! First to bring the Satellite of Love vital weather information that affects YOU! :'''Mike''': You know, I appreciate that, but, uh, there's very little weather in space, and besides, we have instruments that handle all of that. :'''Crow''': Servo, you're gonna die in space. :'''Gypsy''': Crow! He might not. :'''Servo''': That's right, Crow! Now, raise Weather Servo Nine into space, and I'll report the weather as it happens to YOU! ''[gets raised]'' :'''Mike''': ''[whispering]''Well, it doesn't happen to US, we're protected by the satellite. :'''Servo''': ''[whispering]'' I know, just send the poor dope out to space. :'''Gypsy''': Don't die! :'''Servo''': Up to the minute forecasts from Weather Servo Ni--''[hatches shut, cutting Servo off; his voice is heard off-screen]'' Boy! ''[audibly shivering throughout forecast]'' It's COLD out here. Is it supposed to be this cold? :'''Crow''': Oh, don't be afraid- you're Weather Servo Nine! :'''Mike''': Servo, just make your report and then get back in here, okay? :'''Servo''': Well, before I get on with the weather, I've got a couple birthdays to announce! Haha! Just kidding, of course. Man, is it COLD out here! :'''Gypsy''': He's dead meat. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': I guess the big news is the cold weather. You might want to take a jacket, haha! D'oh. It's co-o-o-ld. Oh, what's this? Looks like a meteor shower's gonna be coming by. Might warm things up a bit. Oh hoho...It-it'll probably pass just to the north of us, but you might want- oh, oh! ''[Servo suddenly screams loud and long]'' :'''Mike''': Looks like it's not working! Cambot, you'd better show me Rocket Number Nine! ''[Outside, Servo is bombarded by asteroids. He's brought down from the hatch and is badly burned.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, that'll happen. :'''Gypsy''': Servo, are you all right? :'''Mike''': Servo, buddy, speak to me! :'''Servo''': Well, ''[coughs]'' I'm not cold anymore. ''[coughs]'' :'''Mike''': I better start fixin' you up. :'''Crow''': Wow! You look so cool, Servo! Hey Mike, can I do that? :'''Mike''': NO! You can't. You cannot do that. :'''Crow''': I wanna do that, I'm doing that next. :'''Mike''': We'll be right back. :'''Servo''': Weather, Station, huh, help! Haha! Head happens to be on fire! Might wanna...ha! ==== What About Juvenile Delinquency? (short) ==== :''[After the film fades out on a man being grabbed and carried off by a gang, it fades back in on a photograph of the same man.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' They ''flattened'' him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "gang" enters a diner one by one.]'' :'''Mike, Servo and Crow [as everyone in the diner]''': [[w:Norm Peterson|Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm! Norm!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and a group of students race for a car to get to the City Council.]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': [[w:The Mod Squad|Pete, Linc, Julie]], and... Steve? : . . . :'''Servo [as [[w:Walter Winchell|Walter Winchell]]]''': Elliot Ness and his Untouchables were in hot pursuit! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jamie and his friends try to speak to the City Council]'' :'''Angry City Councilman''': We're just wasting time here and we've wasted too much time already! :'''Servo [as Councilman]''': Kill 'em all! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the film, a question mark appears and moves towards the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': It's [[w:Prince (musician)|Prince]]'s new name, isn't it? :'''Crow''': No, it's [[w:Frank Gorshin|Frank Gorshin]]'s new name! ==== The Atomic Brain (movie) ==== :''[As the girl in the opening scene is being lowered inside a machine, Mike and the Bots realize something about her.]''' :'''Mike:''' Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' She's ''nude!'' :'''Servo:''' ''Lady...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Otto Frank steps out of the device after showing Mrs. March that the girl's body has been reanimated]'' :'''Crow:''' She's ''SORT-OF ALIVE!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Anita Gonzales, having her mind replaced with a cat, is chased onto the roof and ends up clinging to the side. Despite an attempt to rescue her, she slips and...]'' :'''Servo:''' ''[giggling]'' And she floats ''gently'' to her death! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wicked dowager Hetty March lifts herself out of the wheelchair.]'' :'''Crow [as Hetty/[[w:Dr. Strangelove|Dr. Strangelove]]]''': Mein Fuehrer! I can walk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three-quarters of the way through the movie, which has consisted almost entirely of the characters just wandering around the house and talking...]'' :'''Servo''': So, Mike, where's the atomic brain? :'''Mike''': I don't know... === [[w:Outlaw of Gor|Outlaw]] === :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo are playing around.]'' :'''Gypsy''': This is not a gymnasium! :'''Crow''': Aw, come on, Gyps, it’s fun when it’s fun! :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, it’s fun until somebody ''dies!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Mike throws Servo into the air, he's stuck in the rafters.]'' :'''Mike''': Come on, Tom, just drop, I'll catch ya. :'''Servo''': But I'm scared! :'''Mike''': Don't be ridiculous. Come on. :'''Servo''': Okay, here I come. :''[Servo falls... right behind Mike.]'' :'''Gypsy''': We can't have nice things, can we? :'''Servo''': Ow, ow, help me, Mike. :'''Mike''': Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming. :'''Crow''': ''(Noticing the Mads' light)'' Oh, it'll have to wait! The dual airbags are calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Hey, You guys look like Fabio! ''[Laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'': :'''Crow''': ''[excited]'' With [[w:Jane Russell|Jane Russell]]? ''Oh please oh please oh please oh please...'' :'''Mike''': No, don't get your hopes up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ten seconds into the opening credits...]'' :'''Crow''': I hate this movie already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's ring begins to flash.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:James Gordon (comics)|Commissioner Gordon]] calling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': You know how to party, don't'cha, Cabot? :'''Mike [as Watney]''': [[w:To Have and Have Not|You just put your lips together and drink!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot's car begins shaking wildly as it enters the unseen portal to Gor. Watney hangs on to the dashboard in fear.]'' :'''Mike''': Any chance [[w:Barney Rubble|Barney Rubble]] there could go through the windshield? :''[The scene suddenly cuts to the deserts of Koruba, without any sort of transition explaining how Cabot and Watney got there.]'' :'''Crow''': Sorry, folks, we simply could not afford to have special effects! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Where the hell am I? :'''Mike''': You're the hell here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Watney''': Listen, Cabot, what the hell are you talking about? Where are we? What's going on here, Cabot? :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Ssh! I'm acting! :'''Cabot''': I must go to Koruba! :'''Watney''': What? :'''Cabot''': Koruba. :''[Cabot walks away, and starts ignoring Watney]'' :'''Watney''': The same to you! Cabot, listen. Listen to me! Cabot, what's going on here? What happened last night? Did I do something wrong? Damnit, Cabot. :'''Mike, Crow & Servo''': ''[chanting]'' Kill him... kill him... kill him... kill him... :'''Watney''': Cabot, will you listen to me? I wanna go home right now, Cabot. Where are you going? No, no, wait there, Cabot! Tell me what the hell's going on, here. Is this one of your crazy science experiments, huh? :'''Mike''': ''[whispers]'' Cabot, no-one would see if you killed him right now! :'''Crow''': They'd probably give you a free drink at the Pullman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Guard''': Who are you? :'''Cabot''': My name is Cabot. :'''Guard''': Cabot? :''[Numerous Korubian peasants turn around in excitement at the mention of Cabot's name.]'' :'''Peasant #1''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #2''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #3''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #4''': Cabot! :'''Peasant #5''': Cabot! :'''Mike''': Nope, doesn't ring a bell, sorry. <hr width="50%"> :''[on the possibility of confronting a large group of armed slavers]'' :'''Cabot''': Listen. As long as I have some blood left in my veins, I will always fight slavery and oppression! :'''Mike [as Cabot]''': Uh, starting tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The slaves are taken to a small trading village where they are to be sold.]'' :'''Servo''': Check it out, it's one of them [[w:Jack Nicklaus|Jack Nicklaus]] golf communities! :'''Mike''': ''[to Servo]'' ...Are you old? How do you know about that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A beaten and bloodied Cabot is brought before Queen Lara.]'' :'''Queen Lara''': ''[accusing Xenos]'' What have you done to the prisoner? :'''Servo [as Jack Palance]''': Uh, we canceled it. [[w:The_Prisoner|It was too obscure.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jack Palance's character Xenos is engaged in a lengthy plot recap with the evil Queen Lara]'' :'''Queen Lara''': What are you talking about? :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': ''[resignedly]'' I really don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Queen Lara''': ''[in phenomenally bad [[w:Automated_dialogue_replacement|ADR]]]'' Get out of here! You dis''gust''ing worm! :'''Xenos''': At once... your... Royal... Highness. :'''Mike [as Jack Palance]''': Now... if... you'll... ex...cuse me, I'm going to go... tear my... agent a new... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cabot explains his love for Talena to a slave girl]'' :'''Cabot''': She feels for me and I feel for her, and we're free to express it. :'''Crow [as Cabot]''': Nekkid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots read excerpts from Jack Palance's fictional autobiography about the making of "Outlaw"]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, uh... ''[doing a Jack Palance impression]'' "Day One: missed call. Partied all night with that platinum midget fellow and Urbano. Still having trouble seeing straight." :'''Mike''': Okay... ''[takes book and does own Jack Palance impression]'' "Day Three: missed call. Wandered into shot yesterday and they decided to keep it." ''[referring to his character's recurring phrase]'' "What the heck does 'Avante, avante' mean?" :'''Servo''': ''[takes book, does Palance]'' "Day Five: missed call. After four days of shooting, finally got script today and guess what? I'm not playing [[w:Thomas Aquinas|Thomas Aquinas]]. I'm supposed to be some kind of freakin' wizard." :'''Crow''': ''[book; Palance]'' "Day Eight: missed call. Just can't get cancelled series 'Brunk' off my mind. Why? Whyyyy? Can't keep anything down. Not sleeping." :'''Mike''': "Day Nine: missed call. Went to the village with Gina. My voice scares little Italian kids. Spent entire per diem on bunch of crap." :'''Servo''': "Day Ten: missed call. I think I—" ''[startled, reverts back to normal voice]'' "I think I killed a man today. More later?" :''[all shudder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, well. :'''Crow''': Have you seen the outtakes for this film? :'''Mike''': No, did they show 'em on ''[[w:Bloopers and Practical Jokes|Bloopers and Practical Jokes]]''? :'''Servo''': No, uh, ''[[w:Faces of Death|Faces of Death]]'', actually. ''[They all laugh.]'' Sounds like ''Miami Vice''. Say, was this movie ever released in the theaters, you think? :'''Mike''': No, I don't think so, but it's a good bet it was on the [[w:USA Network|USA network]]. :'''Servo''': Oh! The USA— ''[imitates the fanfare the network used in the early '90s]'' I really like those original movies they made especially for the USA network. ''[imitates the fanfare again]'' :'''Mike''': Yeah, I know, they're great, and they all seem to have titles like, uh, ''Malibu Death Breast. [They laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, that or— ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[W:Jeff Conaway|Jeff Conaway]] and [[w:Shari Belafonte|Shari Belafonte-Harper]] play a deadly game of cat and mouse in ''Murder Most Moist''." :'''Servo''': Oh, hey! Hey, hey, let me play, I've got one. ''[As a TV announcer]'' "[[w:Judy Landers|Judy Landers]] is on the trail of a devious killer in ''Peekaboo Lace, P.I''." :'''Crow''': That's pretty good. Oh, wait, how bout ''[Announcer]'' "Jeff Conaway is a vigilante who stalks by night in ''Dark Underpants''"? :'''Mike''': How about this one? ''[Announcer]'' "[[w:Lindsay Wagner|Lindsay Wagner]] is a sexy speech therapist held hostage in ''Tongue Lashing''!" :'''Crow''': I like it! :'''Servo''': Hold it, hold it, hold it! I got it, I got it. How about "Jeff Conaway is up to his mouth in murder in ''French Pistol.'' CATCH IT!" ''[as they laugh]'' This is fun! Yeah. :'''Mike''': Okay, here. Try and top this one. "Jeff Conaway is a college professor whose secret life catches up with him in ''Death Spank''!" :'''Servo''': Ooh, good one, "''Death Spank''"! :'''Crow''': I've got a good one. How about "[[w:Chris Lemmon|Chris Lemmon]] and [[w:Heather Locklear|Heather Locklear]] form a crime fighting unit in ''The Lingerie Justice Files''"? :'''Servo''': Ah, that's great. Wait, wait, I've got another. "Jeff Conaway and [[w:Morgan Fairchild|Morgan Fairchild]] are ''The Crotchless Killers''." :'''Crow''': I like it, I like it! It's got verve, it's got— Oh, how about "Hard Buckner weaves a web of suspicion between [[w:Richard Chamberlain|Richard Chamberlain]] and [[w:Ben Vereen|Ben Vereen]] in ''Tap Pant Desire''"? :'''Servo''': Nice use of Ben Vereen. :'''Mike''': I like the way you think. Try this one on. "[[w:William Devane|William Devane]] tracks a killer on a tropical paradise in ''The Hawaii Edible Underwear Murders''!" :'''Servo''': Mike, I love you for that one! Okay, get this. "[[w:Lisa Hartman Black|Lisa Hartman]] is a streetwise cop who tracks a killer in ''Cheek Beats''." :'''Crow''': You know, Servo, I'd marry you for that, but— Oh, I have one. This one's great. "Jeff Conaway is a crazed cult leader in ''The Waco Panty Raid''." :'''Mike''': Um, uh, "[[w:Eric Roberts|Eric Roberts]] is a freaked out artist who gets more than he bargained for in ''Naked Came The Nude''!" :'''Servo''': "[[w:Peter Deluise|Peter Deluise]] and [[w:Tommy Tune|Tommy Tune]] are ''Cod Police''." :'''Mike''': ''[as they exit the theater]'' That was good. === [[w:Radar Secret Service|Radar Secret Service]] === ==== [[w:Last Clear Chance|Last Clear Chance]] (short) ==== :''[Title of short appears]'' :'''Servo''': Your last clear chance... for fantastic savings! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with cars driving into a cemetery]'' :'''Crow''': Jack Kevorkian throws a tailgating party! :'''Servo''': Save some for me! :''[A pink car can be seen]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look, the Pepto-Bismol car. :'''Mike''': Never let this happen to you. Don't make the mistake these people made. Don't die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I suppose I should have gone in for a few minutes... :''[The picture suddenly loses focus and moves up and down for a second]'' :'''Patrolman''': ...but I just couldn't do it. :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': Because of the tear in the sprocket holes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': I could say goodbye from here. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': GOODBYE! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Frank's girl Betty Hutkins was waiting for him, of course. Everyone knew they'd be getting married before too long. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': When will we be getting married? :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Before too long. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Whenever there's a hazard on the road, there's usually a sign to tell you about it. Like a curve warning or a "Right Of Way" sign, "Narrow Bridge", "Signals Ahead", "Do Not Enter", "No Passing", and many others. :'''Crow''': "All Nude Girls". :'''Servo''': "Whites Only". <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car approaches a railroad crossing sign at night, adorned with the typical "RR" symbol.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[growling]'' Rrrrr. :. . . :'''Patrolman''': If you haven't seen the signs... :'''Mike''': Boy, you haven't lived. :'''Patrolman''': ...this train might come as a surprise to you. :'''Servo''': The [[w:Soul Train|Sooooooooooooul Train]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': Thank you very much, Clarissa... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': They figure rules are for the other follow, not for good drivers like themselves. :'''Servo [as Patrolman]''': They're communists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As woman walks away from car]'' :'''Crow''': Forty percent of car accidents are caused by... women's hinders! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Patrolman]''': I'd tuck you in, but you're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': Every day, these are your signs of life, whose purpose is to keep you alive. :'''Crow''': Even though you don't deserve it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of woman driving, having difficulty with a map]'' :'''Patrolman''': Here's another problem on the roads that we officers face all too often... :'''Mike''': Women drivers! ''[everyone chuckles condecsendingly]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': ...the entering car that fails to yield the right of way. :''[An ominous black car skids into the street, nearly hitting a car that's forced to move into another lane]'' :'''Crow''': The paid assassin cruising through town. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': And yet, many people who have lived through a crossing accident will say-- :'''Servo''': AAAAAH! :''[Mike and Crow look at Servo strangely.]'' :'''Servo''': That's what they say. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank Jr. arrives at the farm and sees Patrolman Hal]'' :'''Frank Jr.''': ''[Jokingly]'' I give up, officer! What's the charge? :'''Crow [as patrolman]''': Ha, ha! '''MANSLAUGHTER'''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I have a feeling one of these characters is about to see their own intestines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after a long lecture on how small mistakes can lead to catastrophes, the accident approaches with Frank Jr. turning around completely in his car seat to wave at his brother behind him, and keeping this up for nearly a minute without paying any attention to the road ahead]'' :'''Servo [as Frank Jr.]''': Hey, the cop never said anything about doing intensely stupid things! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Engineer''': Why don't they look, Ralph? Tell me, why don't they look? :'''Servo [as Ralph]''': You're deep, Ernie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Patrolman''': So, if the next car I stop happens to be yours... :'''Mike [as patrolman]''': Save a place for me at your dinner table! :'''Patrolman''': ...DON'T tell me that you were speeding a little, only BREAKING the law a little... :'''Servo''': ...uh-oh... :'''Patrolman''': ...only doing something a little bit wrong, save THAT for somebody else, brother! :'''Crow''': OH, MY GOD, HE'S SNAPPED! :'''Patrolman''': Because I've seen too many "litte bit" follies... :'''Servo''': He's a bad cop on the loose! :'''Patrolman''': ...and they end up a little bit DEAD! :'''Mike [as Patrolman]''': Now I'm gonna grab me a little bit of lunch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo:''' Hi. I'm Trooper Tom Servo. Well, I've seen it all, stared into the gapin' maw of death, and I'm here to remind you of the horror that lurks everywhere. No, don't get up. You young people can take things for granted, such as your sandwiches. Oh, I know, you're just going to eat that sandwich a little bit, with a little bit of mayo, and a little bit of hard salami. :'''Mike:''' ''[stabs himself in the eye with the corner of his sandwich]'' AAAHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Listen, brother! Nearly forty... uh, forty percent of all accidents, represent, uh, nearly half of all accidents. But who cares? Have fun with your lint trap! Nothing will happen to you. It will happen to the other guy! :'''Mike:''' ''[sticks lint into his eye]'' AAHHHHH!!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- ''[Mike sticks lint in his other eye and screams again]'' Why don't they look? :'''Servo:''' Well say, hot plates are sure fun! Well, they're boss! They're cool! Until... :'''Mike:''' ''[shoves the hot plate against the side of his face]'' AHHHHH!!! :'''Crow:''' Why don't they-- :'''Servo:''' Well why do I even bother with the brainless gibbons who live in this stinking hole of a town?! Well, I wash my hands of it, brother! Pah! ''[wanders off, muttering]'' :'''Mike:''' Wow... little guy really gets into his roll, doesn't he? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' ''[as the light on the desk starts flashing]'' Oh, ah hey, wonder what the Mads want? :'''Servo:''' Oh, mad scientists! Ah, you can have a lot of fun with mad scientists, until someone loses an eye! :'''Crow:''' ''[collapses after trying to hit the button with his face several times and knocking himself out]'' ==== Radar Secret Service (movie) ==== :''[As title of movie appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Gary_Burghoff|Gary Burghoff]] goes undercover! :'''Mike''': That would explain his career for the last 10 years. === [[w:Santa Claus (1959 film)|Santa Claus]] === :''[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a mess.]'' :'''Magic Voice''': We'll be right back... I think. Noel! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL, the gang is having a gift exchange.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Open mine, Mike! Open mine! :'''Mike''': Oh, the big one! Okay. ''[He opens a box]'' Oh, wow! Great sweater, Gyps. Thanks! ''[He holds it up]'' Look at that, it says "Joike" on it. :'''Gypsy''': Yeah, well, I started knitting it for [[w:Joel Robinson|the other guy]] a long time ago, and then, and then, well, you know.{{hnote|This refers to Joel who used to be here, but that was 5½ years ago.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[after getting a written check from Dr. Forrester that only has value in 25 years in the future, TV's Frank laments shaving his head for seemingly no reason to get Dr. Forrester a watch fob for Christmas]'' :'''TV's Frank''': ''[crying]'' My hair! My beautiful head of TV's Frank hair! :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[to Mike]'' Your movie today, Mark, is called ''Santa Claus''; it's a thoughtful, well-shot documentary about the Crimean War. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[bitterly, in-between sobs]'' [No;] It's a stupid Mexican kid's movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Santa's Toyland, boys and girls from all over the world sing as Santa plays his organ.]'' :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Ho, ho, ho, ho, staying alive, staying alive... :. . . :''[Over Spain]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing along]'' [[w:I Will Follow Him|I love him, I love him, and where he goes, I'll follow...]] :. . . :''[Over China]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' We are forced to sing... :'''Crow''': Hey, could we move on to a country with some rhythm? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Boys and girls from England. :'''Crow''': ...have rotten teeth. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Feel it! Get down with your bad Santa self! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Japan also helps Santa. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': By investing in his toy corporation, they now own Santa lock, stock, and barrel. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Talented children from the Orient. :'''Crow''': ...are not here today. :'''Mike''': Um, uh, you're dancing on my keyboard. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': ''[singing]'' Get it on in the morning now! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Even Russia has a delegation. :'''Crow''': Currently under surveillance by the CIA. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Santa makes them work 16 hours a day for $2 an hour. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The group from France. :'''Servo''': ...stinks to high heaven! :. . . :''[Over Germany]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Hogan's Heroes|General Burkhalter]]]''': Klink, you are a terrible singer! :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': You're absolutely right! I am a terrible singer! :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': How would you like to sing at the Russian front? :'''Mike [as Col. Klink]''': Well, my father was a very famous conductor...{{hnote|Werner Klemperer, who played Col. Klink, was the son of the legendary conductor Otto Klemperer. See? Sitting up to watch ''MST3K'' can be quite educational!}} :'''Crow [as General Burkhalter]''': Shut up! :'''Mike''': I just wanna know one thing: When are [[w:Donny and Marie|Donny and Marie]] coming through the door? :. . . :'''Narrator''': Here's a happy song from Italy. :'''Servo''': ''[sings random Italian gibberish]'' :'''Crow''': So is this [[w:Italian neorealism|neorealism]]? :'''Servo [as [[w:The Godfather|Don Corleone]]]''': Okay, we're gonna whack Santa. He's trying to muscle in on the Easter Bunny's turf. :'''Mike''': Okay, great. You've offended everyone now. :. . . :'''Narrator''': The islands of the Caribbean. :'''Mike''': ...have nothing to do with this movie. :'''Servo [as a Jamaican]''': Legalize [[w:Marijuana|it]], mon! :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Get Up, Stand Up|Get up, stand up, stand up for your rights...]] :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': Next up in the junior vocalist category: Thailand! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The South American group includes Brazil and Argentina. :'''Mike''': And a few other countries not worth mentioning right now. :'''Crow''': Ho! Santa's doing [[w:Lambada|the forbidden dance]]! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The countries of Central America. :'''Mike''': ...are a threat to Santa's vital security interests. :'''Servo''': Hey, those are the same kids from the other countries! They'll be playing the Egyptians next. :. . . :'''Crow''': Hooray! :'''Mike''': Yay! USA! Woo! :'''Narrator''': The children of the USA. :'''Crow''': ...are too spoiled and lazy to help Santa. There, that makes it better. :. . . :'''Narrator''': A neighborly group of children from Mexico. :'''Crow''': ...are over-accessorized. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The devil is encouraging the little girl named Lupita to steal].'' :'''Narrator''': Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry! :'''Crow''': Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator. :'''Narrator''': That's right, Lupita, put it back. :''[Lupita puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].'' :'''Crow [as mother]''': Way to defeat Satan, honey. :'''Pitch''': ''[muttering angrily to himself]'' Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses! :'''Mike''': ''[bewildered]'' Oh, don't ever do that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa's observatory is filled with magical equipment enabling him to spy on all the children of Earth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[cheerfully]'' Santa's tendrils reach far and wide. There is no hiding from the K.L.A.U.S. Organization. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa eavesdrops on the bad children.]'' :'''Second boy''': ''[over radio]'' Anyway, Santa doesn't care about us. He's too far away. :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': They're on to me! Into the escape pod! <hr width="50%"/> :''[noting the Italian-looking names in the credits]'' :'''Crow''': This is a ''[[w:fascism|fascist]]'' Santa! :'''Mike''': Yeah, at the end, Santa gets [[w:Benito Mussolini|hung upside down]]. :'''Servo''': Well, at least he [[w:Benito Mussolini|made the sleigh rides run on time]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In "Hades," a number of devils cavort in a poorly-choreographed fashion]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I suppose ''Hell'' got an [[w:National_Endowment_for_the_Arts|NEA]] grant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a dream sequence of opening boxes with people inside]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': It's your new mom! ''[Crow imitates audience roaring]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lupita is dreaming of performing in front of a row of identical boxes.]'' :'''Mike''': Pick your refrigerator, Lupita! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several children are writing.]'' :'''Crow [as children]''': [[w:Moby-Dick|Call me Ishmael]]... [[w:Six Crises|I was born in a house my father built]]... [[w:Catch-22 (novel)|The minute Yossarian]]... :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[sings]'' [[w:Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?|I've written a letter to Daddy...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young boys stand at a mailbox, mailing their letters to Santa Claus.]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': I'm tellin' ya, Pepe, these [[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]] contests are a waste of time! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Letters to Santa arrive at the North Pole.]'' :'''Crow [as Santa]''': Ho ho ho! There's a dollar in every one! My [[w:chain letter|chain letter]] scam worked! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pedro''': What kind of food do they eat on earth, Santa? :'''Santa Claus''': Oh, everything in sight! They eat most of the animals, the birds, the plants, the roots, the fish, even smoke and alcohol! :'''Servo [as Santa Claus]''': And they eat at [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa winds his reindeer (which are all apparently wind up toys) and they begin to move.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't charming at all! It's creepy! :''[Santa begins to laugh as he watches the reindeer]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, when Santa laughs, the whole world shakes its head. :''[The reindeer begins to laugh in a very unnatural way]'' :'''Servo, Mike, and Crow''': He, he haha, hahaha, ''[laughing turns into terrified screams]'' AHHHHH! AAHHHHHH!!! :''[Santa is still laughing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[scared]'' What's happening?! :''[Scene cuts to a shot of the wall behind the sleigh and there is a [[w:pentagram|pentagram]]-like symbol on the wall.]'' :'''Servo''': A pentagram, and reindeer laughing... you figure it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young "African" helper jumps off a sleigh.]'' :'''Servo [as African Child]''': ''[grumbling]'' Bone in my hair... I'm from ''Detroit''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as Santa's sleigh is flying in the sky]'' I wonder where Santa will go first? Europe? Africa? America? :'''Servo''': [[w:Circle Pines, MN|Circle Pines]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Santa Claus makes his way home after delivering his presents.]'' :'''Mike [as Santa]''': Ho! Ho! H... wait, I forgot France. ''[pause]'' ...Oh, well! Ho! Ho! Ho! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing an animatronic Santa]'' That's some good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. === [[w:Teen-Age Crime Wave|Teen-Age Crime Wave]] === :''[at Jane's arraignment]'' :'''Jane''': Every word I told the judge was the truth, mama. :'''Crow''': Court-appointed parents. :'''Jane''': I didn't know what Terry and those boys were gonna do! :'''Jane's Mother''': You were out with those hoodlums. No decent girl would be seen with them. :'''Jane's Father''': Why Jane? You said you were going to the movies. You didn't say anything about being with boys you didn't even know. :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': You're a slutty gun moll. :'''Jane''': Dad, all I did was go out on a date! :'''Crow''': Satan's play thing! :'''Jane''': I didn't know what I was getting into! She came to work and asked if I wanted to meet a nice boy! :'''Jane's Mother''': "Nice boy..." a thief. :'''Mike''': Mr. and Mrs. Bridge read her the Riot Act. :'''Jane's Mother''': ... and you'd been drinking! :'''Jane''': I wouldn't have been with him if you hadn't picked an argument with me last night! :'''Jane's Mother''': You sinned, and you'll pay for your crime, Jane. :'''Crow [as Jane's mother]''': I'll be there, front row, at your hanging! :'''Jane''': Daddy, help me, please! :'''Mike [as Jane's father]''': I'm afraid you're going down, kitten. Hard. :'''Jane''': You're my family! :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Uh... aren't you? :'''Jane's Mother''': I don't know how your father will ''ever'' face his business friends again. :'''Crow''': Well, let's ask him. He's right here. :'''Servo''': Dad? :'''Mike''': This is ''just'' like dinner at home. <hr width=50%/> :'''Female Warden''': ''[to a group of delinquent young women]'' Now this is a shower room... :'''Crow''': Let the movie begin! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Terry and Jane and broken out of the prison transport by Mike]'' :'''Terry''': Get moving, Big-Eyes. :'''Servo [as Jane]''': Okay, fatass. <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is zoomed in on a telephone ringing.]'' :'''Mike [as an answering machine]''': This is [[w:Jim Rockford|Jim Rockford]], leave a message and I'll get back to ya. :'''Crow''': Jimmy, it's Angel, I'm in real bad trouble! :'''Servo''': ''[starts performing ''[[w:The Rockford Files|The Rockford Files]]'' theme]'' === [[w:Village of the Giants|Village of the Giants]] === :''[The credits show "Based on ''[[w:The Food of the Gods and How It Came to Earth|The Food of the Gods]]'' by [[H. G. Wells]]".]'' :'''Crow''': "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English! :'''Mike''': It could be based on ''[[w:Profiles in Courage|Profiles in Courage]]!'' :'''Servo''': Oh, by [[w:Theodore Sorensen|Theodore Sorensen]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius pours beaker contents, resulting in an explosion of red goop which splatters on his face.''] :'''Servo''': He blew his hand off! :'''Crow [as Magnus Pyke]''': [[w:She Blinded Me With Science| I blinded me with science!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a seemingly endless sequence of the giant bikini-clad teens dancing in slow-motion]'' :'''Crow''': You know, I'm starting to suspect this ''might'' be padding. :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no... :'''Mike''': No, that's real. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as one of the giant teens oversees a line of people surrendering their firearms]'' :'''Crow''': The NRA nightmare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius (played by a young [[w:Ron Howard|Ron Howard]]) proudly shows off the mixture he's working on, then returns to the basement to perfect it.]'' :'''Mike''': I hope that blows up in his face so I don't have to see ''[[w:Willow_(film)|Willow]]''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I liked ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Genius mixes various chemicals, trying to create more "goo".]'' :'''Mike''': Look at him, the little kid, plotting against us with ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I liked ''Willow''! :'''Mike''': [[w:Kevin Pollak|Kevin Pollak]]? You ''liked'' that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A tarantula that's been exposed to the "goo" grows to a humongous size; it growls as it corners the film's stars.]'' :'''Crow''': Spiders don't growl, even that big. :'''Mike''': I guess you can't really prove that when they're that big, they don't growl. :'''Crow''': ''[defensively]'' I liked ''Willow''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Hey, y'know, Ron must've gotten directing tips from [[w:Bert I. Gordon|Bert I.]] :'''Servo''': That's why he made ''Willow''. :'''Crow''': Hey, I '''liked''' ''Willow''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The teens try to lasso the legs of the giant teens' leader, in a very poor special effect involving large mannequin legs.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! The effects in ''Willow'' were better than this! :'''Mike''': Hey, you liked ''Willow''! :'''Crow''': I&mdash; huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Genius figures out a formula to bring the giants back to their normal size]'' :'''Genius''': Wolf, I have some quite astounding news for you... :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''Willow'' sucked! :'''Crow''': Hey, now that was gratuitous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the teens find themselves back by their wrecked car after being chased out of town]'' :'''Fred''': Well, we got a long, long, long walk. :'''Offscreen voice''': Uh, beg your pardon. Are you people coming from Hainesville? :'''Crow [as the voice]''': Uh, you can call me Ray, or you can call me Ray. :'''Fred''': Yes, we're coming from Hainesville. :'''Offscreen voice''': Is that the place where they have the Goo? :'''Fred''': Yes, that's the place where they have the Goo. :'''Offscreen voice''': Thank you so much. :''[a line of short people is seen walking by the teens towards Hainesville]'' :'''Servo''': Ha. One last offensive thing to leave you with, folks. :'''Mike''': The shamed cast of ''Terror of Tiny Town'' meets the shamed cast of ''Village of the Giants''. :''[the ending title card appears]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, so... that's it?! Wasn't much of a payoff! We waited all this time for '''THAT?!''' ''[the ending credits begin to play with the all-too-familiar footage of the giant teens dancing]'' NO!!! :'''Mike, Crow, and Servo''': No, no, no! :'''Mike''': Coming back to this is like getting your face smashed into a giant turkey. :'''Crow''': Or maybe this is what it would feel like if you had rubber bands around your eyeballs. :'''Servo''': No, it's like wearing William Conrad's underpants with a balaclava! :''[the crew gags]'' :'''Mike''': It's like a lingering kiss with your bearded aunt! :'''Crow''': It's like waking up, rolling over, and seeing Jim Varney! AHHH!!! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo''': It's like being trapped inside your own gym bag! :'''Mike''': It's like being trapped inside Jim Begg! === [[w:12 to the Moon|12 to the Moon]] === ==== [[w:Design for Dreaming|Design for Dreaming]] (short) ==== :''[The title card appears for two seconds as the gang enters.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, this is by Noel Coward. :''[We go straight into the story.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I dreamed last night, the moon was so bright... :'''Mike''': Aw, I hate it when people tell me about their dreams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man first appears, presenting an invitation to Motorama...]'' :'''Servo''': And Tommy Tune arrives! :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' Let me persuade you to come to the place where tomorrow meets today... :'''Crow [as Nuveena]''': A subpoena? For ''me''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nuveena arrives at Motorama...]'' :'''Mike''': Right in the middle of the Steinman-Hopsburg wedding reception! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I had a near-death experience like this. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Corvette! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': ''[singing]'' I don't give a tin sh...! :'''Mystery Man''': I thought you would! :'''Crow [as Mystery Man]''': That's why I entered your head! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I want a Pontiac, too! :'''Mike''': Man, she's a high-maintanence date! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mystery Man''': ''[singing]'' This Buick's a beaut! :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I'll try it! :''[The shot transitions to Nuveena sitting in the driver's seat of the Buick.]'' :'''Crow''': She's gonna roll it! :''[Mike and Servo gasp]'' :. . . :'''Servo [as a voice on a loudspeaker]''': Ah, call Security to the showroom floor, please. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I hope this is a rebuttal to ''[[w:Roger And Me|Roger And Me]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena comes out of a car carrying what looks like an umbrella in her hands.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' I can hardly wait for this dream to come tru-u-u-u-ue! :'''Servo''': Oh, at least I got myself a good parking spot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena is suddenly seen in the showroom floor wearing an apron over her dress.]'' :'''Mystery Man''': Better get her into the kitchen quick! :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Tater tots are burning! :'''Crow [as a teenage boy]''': Any more girls in there? :''[Mike and Crow laughs like [[w:Beavis and Butthead|Beavis and Butthead]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Kitchen of Tomorrow begins working on a cake...]'' :'''Crow''': Just because it's futuristic doesn't mean it's practical. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In her dream, Nuveena emerges from behind a pillar, prancing in a sporty blouse and short skirt, waving a tennis racket.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Aaah! It's a salute to [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Mr. B Natural (short)|Mr. B Natural]]! :'''Servo''': Oh, no, no, no! :''[She dances back to the pillar, then emerges in tartan trousers, energetically twirling a golf club.]'' :'''Mike''': This would be the "up" part of her [[w:Bipolar disorder|manic mood swings]], I'm guessing. :'''Crow''': Oh-ho-ho... :'''Servo''': Man, it is gonna take her ''forever'' to write this dream down. :''[She goes behind the pillar again and emerges this time in a pink bathing suit and straw sun hat.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Shocked]'' Ah! Wow! :. . . :'''Mike''': I wonder what Freud would make of that sun hat! :'''Crow''': Well, sometimes a sun hat is ''just'' a sun hat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena removes the cake from a futuristic oven.]'' :'''Nuveena''': My cake is ready. :'''Mike''': Uh-uh. I call no way! :'''Servo''': Uh-uh. Candles and everything... :'''Crow''': [[w:Happy Birthday, Wanda June|Happy Birthday, Wanda June]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Now in a gown, Nuveena is lifted to a stage before a crowd below.]'' :'''Narrator''': And now, a glamorous dancer and a special number: "Dance of Tomorrow"! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': ''[[w:A Chorus Line|Chorus Line 2]]: [[w:Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan|The Wrath]] of [[w:Chaka Khan|Chaka Khan]]''! : . . . :'''Nuveena''': Everyone says the future is strange, but I have a feeling some things won't change. :''[The crowd claps along, but to a slower beat.]'' :'''Servo, Crow [as Crowd]''': ''Give us [[w:Cyd Charisse|Cyd Charisse]]!'' :'''Crow''': While she's dancing, the Japanese are making great cars. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': [[w:Cindy Williams|Cindy Williams]] ''is'' [[w:Twyla Tharp|Twyla Tharp]] ''as'' [[w:Isadora Duncan|Isadora Duncan]] ''in'' ''The [[w:Meredith Monk|Meredith Monk]] Story: A One-Woman Show''! :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Co-starring [[w:Tom Bosley|Tom Bosley]]. :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': As [[w:Charlie's Angels|Bosley]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator introduces fashion models posing next to the Dream Cars Of Tomorrow. Each car is shown between shots of fireworks.]'' :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Jackie Gleason, Audrey Meadows... :'''Crow''': Bonnie and Clyde's death car! :. . . :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': With Art Carney and Joyce Randolph... :'''Crow''': Fonzie's death car. :'''Mike [as Fonzie]''': Ay. :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Pregnant woman and schnauzer optional. :'''Crow''': Entire production supervised by Jackie Gleason. :. . . :'''Servo''': The "Closed Three Plants" car. :'''Mike''': Executive producer, Jack Philbin. :'''Crow''': The Schick electric razor car! :. . . :'''Narrator''': Costume by [[w:Capri pants|Emilio of Capri]]! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Unfettered [[Wiktionary:avarice|avarice]] by [[w:Madison Avenue|Madison Avenue]]! :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': ...in ''The Honeymooners''! :''[A broad-grilled car is shown next.]'' :'''Crow [as the cars "expression"]''': GRRR! RRRRrrrR! :. . . :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Clown suit by Bargain Clown of Hollywood. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Mystery Man introduces the final car shown, the Firebird II, he deliberately shushes the audience to ensure that it is "secretly" a surprise reveal.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, this is what happens when you go to a car show with [[w:Michael Crawford (actor)|Michael Crawford]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the Firebird II]'' :'''Crow''': The "Extention Of My Manhood" car! :'''Mike''': Your deal with the devil is now complete. :. . . :'''Servo [as Nuveena]''': Do you have it in red? :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's a six week delivery, ma'am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nuveena and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. The Mystery Man points out something.]'' :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': Look, dead raccoon of tomorrow. :''[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]'' :'''Nuveena''': ''[singing]'' Tomorrow... :'''Servo''': ''[singing, a la Elmer Fudd]'' [[w:What's Opera, Doc?|With my sword and magic helmet...]] :. . . :'''Mike [as Mystery Man]''': That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock. :. . . :'''Crow''': Automatic freeway. You build it. :. . . :'''Mike''': Someone invent rock and roll, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America. :. . . :'''Crow''': Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, Nuveena and the Mystery Man ride off together. The road they're on appears to be a dead end.]'' :'''Mike''': Look out! The bridge to the future's out! :''[They all gasp and make crash sounds as the end card appears.]'' ==== 12 to the Moon (movie) ==== :''[The film starts over the Columbia Pictures logo.]'' :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Lady! :'''Crow [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, lady! :'''Mike [as Jerry Lewis]''': Hey, down here, lady! :'''Servo [as Jerry Lewis]''': Love this lady. :'''Mike''': She's in everything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': Doughnuts? :'''Servo''': No, no, no. :'''Crow [as [[w:Jackie Gleason|Jackie Gleason]]]''': Oh, you're ''goin' '' to the moon, all right! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film's opening credits gradually plaster a dozen names on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow, I think ''I'm'' in this! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The elderly Secretary General of the International Space Order addresses the world by radio/telecast.]'' :'''Secretary General''': At this moment... :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': I may die! :'''Secretary General''': ... over two billion people... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[w:McDonald's#Parodies in popular media|have been served]]. :'''Secretary General''': … in every part of the world, are focusing their attention on this program. :'''Mike [as Secretary General]''': ... and my rump. :'''Secretary General''': Every nation of the Earth, in a magnificent effort, is contributing of its people and resources, in an attempt to reach the Moon, and proclaim it... :'''Servo [as Secretary General]''': ... [[wikt:dolphin-safe|dolphin-safe]]! :'''Secretary General''': ... international territory. :'''Crow [as Secretary General]''': ... and [[w:IHOP (restaurant)|House of Pancakes]]. : . . . :'''Secretary General''': God be with you. :'''Servo''': [[w:Collect#Liturgical collect|And also with you]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our heroes have landed safely on the Moon.]'' :'''Dr. Hamid''': Allah be praised! :'''Dr. Orlov''': Praise the ship, not Allah. :'''Servo [as Hamid]''': I'll praise whoever I want, white boy. == Season 6 == === [[w:Girls Town (1959 film)|Girls Town]] === :''[Regarding [[w:Mel Tormé|Mel Tormé]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Hit him! He'll cry! : . . . :'''Mike''': He's like a youthful [[w:Star Wars|Jabba the Hutt]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After attempting to force himself on his date, Chip tumbles over the edge of a cliff.]'' :'''Mike Nelson [as Chip]''': ''[screams, then pauses]'' Hey, look, a moral! ''[resumes screaming]'' : . . . :''[Chip hits the ground and dies.]'' :'''Servo [as Chip]''': Uh... call me? : . . . :''[Fred, played by Mel Tormé, hears the scream and sees Chip's date run away. He and his date head over to investigate.]'' :'''Fred''': Chip! Hey, Chip! Where are ya, Chip? :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': Down here! I got a crick in my neck! : . . . :'''Fred''': Chip, come on! Say something, Chip! :'''Crow [as Chip's corpse]''': "Wuh-aughhh!" : . . . :''[Fred and his date find Chip's broken body at the bottom of the cliff.]'' :'''Mike [as Chip's corpse]''': Howdy! I think the date's going pretty well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': Girls Town Boys' Club welcomes you to Girls Town. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rumble breaks out. Big band music plays throughout.]'' :'''Crow''': Yes, it's teenage angst with Les Brown and his Band of Renown! :. . . :''[A girl tries to break up a fight by putting a bucket on one boy's head]'' :'''Mike [as boy]''': You make sun go away. You are powerful. :. . . :''[Silver hits Chip with a pie.]'' :'''Servo''': Fight choreography by Jimmy Ben Lasen. :. . . :''[Two girls fight on the dock with oars.]'' :'''Mike''': And down goes Blaze! :. . . :'''Mike''': This is why there's no alcohol at Euro Disney. :. . . :''[A police car can be seen.]'' :'''Mike [as policeman]''': Nobody called us about the party. Over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mother Veronica climbs out of a car driven by another nun]'' :'''Mother Veronica''': Wait for me, sister. :'''Crow [as Mother Veronica]''': If you hear any shooting, just pull around the corner and get ready to gun it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Policeman Clyde grills Serafina about her accusation against Jimmy (played by a babyfaced [[w:Paul Anka|Paul Anka]]).]'' :'''Mr. Clyde''': You don't want him to go to jail, now, do you? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Make him promise not to sing "She's Having My Baby"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buxom Silver Morgan speaks with the father of her dead ex-boyfriend]'' :'''Mr. Gardner''': I'll never understand what my son saw in you. :'''Silver''': Oh, no? ''[turns to face him]'' :'''Crow [as Silver]''': Do ''these'' explain anything? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested [[w:Mamie Van Doren|Mamie Van Doren]], steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see, where should I be looking right now...? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Any... studs around here? :'''Serafina''': Any what? :'''Silver''': Daddy-O's. He-males. Stags! :'''Serafina''': Only the gardeners. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Serafina]''': And Father Fabio! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a club, Jimmy sings Paul Anka's hit "Lonely Boy".]'' :'''Jimmy''': I'm just a lonely boy… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Why does that not surprise me? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jimmy performs the ballad "It's Time To Cry" for the girls at Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The music that rocked America… gently to sleep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a drive-in restaurant, Fred (Mel Tormé) chows down on a huge burger over a tray with two drinks.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Velvet Hog! {{hnote|Alluding to crooner Tormé's nickname, ''The Velvet Fog''.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary Lee tries to call her sister Silver at the nun-run Girls Town.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Operator]''': Girls Town, please hold. :'''Servo [as Hold Music]''': ''[singing Sister Janet Mead's "The Lord's Prayer"]'' Our father, who art in heaven… : . . . :'''Servo [as Operator]''': All of our lines are currently busy. The last call will be answered first, and those who call first shall be answered last. {{hnote|Riffing on a famous quote (Matthew 20:16) from the Bible.}} <hr width="50%"/><!-- DO NOT CHANGE "ORchard"; THIS IS PROPER CAPITALIZATION FOR OLD-STYLE PHONE #s --> :''[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]'' :'''Silver''': Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ''ten'' times! I can't get anyone to answer! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Operator]''': Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silver''': Maybe it's time you level with me. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': You know how we're both hot? :'''Mary Lee''': Well, you remember the night you stood Chip up? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Well, he was real sore when he didn't find you... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... and he asked me to go in his place. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then I killed him and he died. :'''Mary Lee''': He always kept saying I was too young to go anyplace, so I went. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him and he got all dead! :'''Silver''': Oh, great. :'''Mary Lee''': It was fun at first when he only kissed me... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He wasn't then. :'''Mary Lee''': But then he... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ...died. :'''Mary Lee''': ... he started... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': ... being killed by me... :'''Mary Lee''': ... getting too fresh and I ran away. Chip caught me and tried to throw me down on the ground... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Right before he got dead. :'''Mary Lee''': And then... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': Rocks slipped out from under his feet... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he became killed. :'''Mary Lee''': He fell... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And he died. :'''Silver''': So ''that's'' how they found my lipstick in his car! But where'd his friend come in? :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He's not dead! :'''Mary Lee''': He saw it happen. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': He died. :'''Mary Lee''': He thought it was you at first... :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And then he died. :'''Mary Lee''': ...until he saw me again. :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': And I killed him. :'''Silver''': And ''all'' the time, you've been letting me sit here in jailsville! :'''Mary Lee''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Silver, I tried to tell you the first time I came here! :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': ''[exaggerated sobbing]'' I TRIED TO TELL YOU THE FIRST TIME I CAME HERE!!! :'''Silver''': It's all over the dam... :'''Mike [as Silver]''': I just can't believe you went out with Chip! :''[Silver begins laughing]'' :'''Mary Lee''': What are you laughing at? :'''Servo [as Silver]''': Oh, something in ''[[w:Dilbert|Dilbert]]''. Never mind. :'''Silver''': It's not over the dam, it's over the cliff! Funny, huh? :'''Mike [as Silver]''': Ah, well forget it. :'''Mary Lee''': I'm scared... Fred's trying to send me to Tijuana. :'''Crow [as Mary Lee]''': And trade me for a chicken. :'''Silver''': Tijuana?! :'''Servo [as Mary Lee]''': Maybe I can push [[w:Herb Alpert|Herb Alpert]] over a cliff... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bread delivery "boy" that Silver is on a date with is an undercover cop]'' :'''Silver Morgan''': Oh, I was a fool to fall for a phony delivery boy! :'''Mike''': Especially since he's thirty-eight! === [[w:Invasion, U.S.A. (1952 film)|Invasion U.S.A.]] === ==== [[w:A Date with Your Family|A Date with Your Family]] (short) ==== :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Woody Allen|Woody Allen]] story! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, I like my family, ''as a friend''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reading a list of names in the credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': All of who are orphans. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother looks inside a pot]'' :'''Narrator''': What's the matter? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[w:Fatal Attraction|THERE'S A RABBIT IN THERE!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Announcer]''': We've secretly switched their Folgers coffee... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The women of this family seem to feel that they owe it to the men of the family to look relaxed, rested, and attractive at dinnertime. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': So they're unsuspecting when they ''kill'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': Hi, Mom, I'm pregnant. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brother, sporting a slicked-back hair style, cleans his room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother notices the time, and realizes that he must put things in order, and clean himself up in time for dinner. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': He's got to strip and replace the oil in his hair with summer-weight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, Mother and Daughter put the finishing touches on the dinner. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': With [[w:Strychnine|strychnine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Daughter]''': Salad needs more butter, Mother! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...he will relax at dinner with those he loves. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': But not these people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': What you are watching now should have been edited in the final version. My apologies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': They speak with their dad as though they are genuinely glad to see him. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': They're not, of course... <hr width="50%"> :''[as the boys talk with their dad]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Junior]''': Father, I had a feeling today. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Father]''': Well ''don't'', son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mother]''': Hi, I'm Betty, and I'll be your wife tonight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Mike, this sucks! Can we just eat? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daughter is still arranging the flowers while the family sits down.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brother seats Junior... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Daughter obsesses with the flowers. :'''Narrator''': ...then helps Mother to her chair, as he would his best girl. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The less said about this, the better. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Junior seats Dad, and Sister seats the dog, and the dog... <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Daughter]''': Dad, I'm dating a Negro! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many families throughout the country observe the custom of saying Grace at mealtime. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': Please, God, take me now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Father begins passing food.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[in a British accent]'' [[w:Bernard Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein|Field Marshall Montgomery]] sits down to eat. Yes, it's smashing, it's a good day... :''[Father passes a food-laden plate to Daughter.]'' :'''Narrator''': They converse pleasantly while Dad serves. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Daughter]''': No, I— I'll just have Saltines. :'''Narrator''': I said "pleasantly", for that is the keynote at dinnertime. It is not only good manners, but good sense. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Emotions are for ''ethnic'' people. :'''Narrator''': Pleasant, unemotional conversation helps digestion. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': I can't stress "unemotional" enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Father serves Mother first, then Daughter. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Let's go to the flowchart for this. :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': And be sure to make a plate for the narrator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': A violent argument erupts over whose day was more pleasant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Remember, always cut the meat of the person to your left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': No one starts eating until Father has served himself. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': THIS MEANS YOU! :'''Narrator''': Always wait for the hostess... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': to seat you. :'''Narrator''': ...in this case Mother, to begin eating before you start. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Father feigns eating, draws Junior out, then disowns him! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Father]''': I'm moving to [[w:Fire Island|Fire Island]], dear. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Be sure to tell Mother how good the food is. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...even as you gag on it. :''[Brother gives the "okay" sign.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Brother]''': [[Mystery Science Theater 3000#Pod People|This stinks!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't monopolize the conversation and go on and on without stopping. Nothing destroys the charm of a meal more quickly. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …than having a personality. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Don't make unkind comparisons about your stand[ard of] living. The dinner table is no place for discontent. It makes Dad and Mother uncomfortable and unhappy. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': …and they already dislike you enough. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Father]''': Well, there it is. Spankings all around, then. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Do you begin to see now how a date with your family can be a truly special occasion? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Do you? DO YOU? :'''Narrator''': And why Brother and Sister looked forward to the evening? :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': WELL, DO YOU? BETTER SAY "YES", DAMMIT! :'''Narrator''': When the dinner hour at home is treated with a certain amount of graciousness and ceremony, it can be memorable. There is no family so poor but that the evening meal can be eaten in an atmosphere of warmth and gentleness. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': ...and control and repression. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this makes me want to heat up a [[w:Libbyland|Libbyland]] frozen dinner and eat in front of the TV! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Now enjoy some refreshments in the lobby! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[waves goodbye]'' Bye-bye, everyone. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A Simmel-Mervay release. ==== Invasion U.S.A. (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening credits...]'' :'''Mike''': Starring these people ''and'' [[w:Chuck Norris|Chuck Norris]]. :. . . :''[The credit "Directed by Alfred E. Green" appears onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Alfred E. Neuman|What, me direct?]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pilot''': Control tower, request landing instructions. :'''Tom Servo [as flight controller]''': ''[irate]'' Well, just keep coming down until you're not in the sky anymore! Don't you know how to land?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Carla''': ''[about her work at the blood bank]'' We set a record today. :'''Vince''': You set a record with me a long time ago. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': God, I'm smooth. <hr width="50%"/> :''["Forecaster" Ohman delivers his preparedness moral and departs.]'' :'''Sylvester''': Well, I guess I better be going. Maybe make some of those tank parts. ''[...]'' Finished with your drink? :'''Carla''': Yes, but I— :'''Vince''': ''I'll'' take care of her. :'''Sylvester''': Is that the way you want it? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Carla]''': ''[suggestively]'' Vince and I are gonna make our ''own'' tank parts. === [[w:The Dead Talk Back|The Dead Talk Back]] === :''[Doing a fire drill on the SOL]'' :'''Crow''': There really is no place to go! :'''Mike''': Well, still. We gotta meet code. :'''Gypsy''': No talking in line! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[playing as hard-boiled detective and attempting to interrogate Mike]'' Hello, Nelson. Say, y'know, I kinda like this movie. I'm intrigued by the whole interrogation idea. '''''So siddown!''' I wanna ask you a few questions!'' If you are who you say you are. And I wanna know what you did and what happened. No hurry; we've got all the time in the world. :'''Frank''': ''[suddenly shouting]'' I did it! I did it! I did it!! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Did '''''what''''', Frank? :'''Frank''': '''Everything!''' [[w:Dallas (TV series)|I shot J.R!]] [[w:The Beatniks (film)|I killed that fat barkeep!]] [[w:Frusen_Glädjé|I ate all the Frusen Glädjé!]] And y'know what? I'm glad I did it! Glad, I tell ya! ''Glad!! [maniacal laughter]'' ==== [[w:The Selling Wizard|The Selling Wizard]] (short) ==== :''[The opening card reads "ANHEUSER-BUSCH, INCOPORATED Manufacturers of Quality Low Temperature Cabinet Makers presents"]'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah, and high-octane suds! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As cardboard cut-outs of the main focus points of the short appear one-by-one]'' :'''Narrator''': You, the ice cream manufacturer. :'''Crow''': Up against the wall! Spread 'em! :'''Narrator''': You... :'''Mike''': Me? :'''Narrator''': ...the frozen food distributor. :'''Servo''': [[w:Ben and Jerry's|Ben and Jerry]] before Woodstock. :'''Narrator''': And you, the food retailer. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': These three people will square off against— <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Yes, today's problem is merchandising... :'''Mike''': Over '''three''' kinds of vanilla! :'''Narrator''': ...to sell in high volume, for high profit. :'''Crow''': For high people. :''[Cut to a shot of a stack of ice cream boxes]'' :'''Narrator''': Frozen products are impulse items... :'''Servo''': I'll take it, I'll take it! :'''Narrator''': And impulse buying is primarily... :'''Mike''': Women's fault. :''[The stack suddenly drops]'' :'''Narrator''': ...an emotional decision. :'''Crow''': The market crashed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]'' :'''Narrator''': Manufacturers spend millions on package design. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Yet, this is the result. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a freezer fades in with no lights surrounding it, everyone imitates the theme from "2001: A Space Odyssey".]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, this is the answer: a real selling wizard. :''[The lights go on]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in heaven? :'''Crow''': ''[as the lights finish]'' Rip-off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': It's a little big; I just want a hotplate! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And what's the first feature that makes a selling wizard? :'''Servo''': Bosoms! :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :'''Crow''': Or "S. A. S." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Talking about the advantage of easily taking inventory with the freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': One glance, and you know if the cabinet requires filling. :'''Servo''': Just one glance, don't look back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noticing a box in the freezer]'' :'''Mike''': This is frozen ''cotton''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And notice how these convient horizontal wire shelves put your product always within buying range. :'''Servo''': GIVE IT TO ME! GIMME! :'''Narrator''': They may be removed entirely for loading to full-cabient capacity. :'''Crow''': But don't put your tongue on it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans down, showing the "Selling Wizard's" lovely gams]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, she's got a big scab on her knee. :'''Narrator''': Gentlemen! If you please! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': You filthy degenerates! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is describing the good points of a freezer]'' :'''Narrator''': Yes, on every count... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Guilty! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Next step, open a grocery store. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This freezer rules! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]'' :'''Narrator''': This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet... :'''Mike''': ...makes no sense. :. . . :'''Crow''': (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car. :. . . :'''Mike''': (singing) ''And it comes out here...'' :. . . :'''Servo''': WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Every cabinet designed with your needs in mind. :'''Crow''': But I need a stove. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': In this all-purpose, two-lid utility storage cabinet with 23-cubic-foot storage capacity... :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Bodies stack easily. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard. :'''Mike [as Woody Allen]''': Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos. :'''Narrator''': Sales appeal styling. :''[Servo and Mike start humming [[w:Holiday_for_Strings_(song)|Holiday for Strings]]]'' :'''Narrator''': The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products. :'''Crow [as Professor E.C. Buehler, from ''Speech: Using Your Voice'']''': Plenty of lip and tongue action. :'''Narrator''': Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space. :'''Mike''': Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "The End" card]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Ed McMahon|Ed McMahon]]]''': And remember to buy Ed McMahon's [[w:Budweiser|Budweiser]] ice cream. :'''All''': Hi-yo! :'''Mike''': [[w:Leni Riefenstahl|Leni Riefenstahl]]'s most powerful film. :'''Servo''': Hi-yo! ==== The Dead Talk Back (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': ''[as a TV announcer]'' Tonight's episode: "The Dead Go Fishing" with special guest star Robert Culp. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:]'' :'''Crow''': The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights. :'''Servo [as cinematographer]''': C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left! :'''Mike''': Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car]'' :'''Crow''': With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood. :'''Servo''': She's flooding the radio. :''[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car]'' :'''Mike''': And Creepy [[w:American Automobile Association|Triple-A]] is there. :'''Crow [as driver]''': Maybe this isn't my car. :'''Servo''': Geez, not since ''Moonraker'' has there been an exciting opening sequence. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker introduces himself]'' :'''Krasker''': Have you been hearing some weird stories recently? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': About Chuck Berry? :'''Krasker''': About telepathy? :'''Crow''': I knew you were going to say that. :'''Krasker''': The fourth dimension? :'''Servo''': Or Marilyn McCoo? :'''Krasker''': Or ghosts? :'''Mike''': Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie. :'''Krasker''': The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each. :'''Crow''': Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing. :'''Krasker''': Me? :'''Mike''': You? :'''Krasker''': Who am I? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Frankly I've forgotten. :'''Krasker''': I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. ''[softly]'' Mike, help me! :'''Krasker''': My philosophy? :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Lots of leather. :'''Krasker'''; Metaphysics. What is metaphysics? :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': [[w:Teen_Talk_Barbie#Controversy|It's really hard.]] :'''Krasker''': There's a long, complicated explanation to that question. :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Which he'll be happy to give us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krasker''': Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over? :'''Servo''': Quit squirming. :'''Krasker''': Why just think! We could find lost articles... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Coupons! :'''Krasker''': Treasures... Gold mines... :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': You're not buying any of this, are you? :'''Krasker''': We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': I'm so lonely... ''[sobs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker switches on his radio for talking to the dead:]'' :'''Krasker''': It takes a while for... temperature attunement. :'''Crow''': Uh-huh... :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Krasker''': Warming up. :'''Crow''': Sure. :'''Krasker''': We'll try it again later. :'''Crow [as Krasker]''': Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work. :'''Mike [as Krasker]''': This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift... :'''Krasker''': The problem of communicating with the... departed... :'''Servo [as Krasker]''': Is that they're dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large, full bookshelf stands against the far wall:]'' :'''Mike [as officer]''': Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of crossbow being fired]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Poison Arrow|Shoot that poison arrow through my heaaaaaaa-aaart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After discarding a pair of shoes, a suspect drives off in a 1960's Volkswagen Bug:]'' :'''Servo [as suspect]''': The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though... :'''Crow''': One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage. :'''Servo''': Zero to sixty... in about an hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[There's some kind of audible fuzz on the soundtrack]'' :'''Servo''': Is someone purring? :''[Crow looks around for a bit]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker is deep into a seance using a razor blade inside a wine glass as a "receiver"]'' :'''Krasker''': Tell us who you are. It's important that we know. :'''Mike''': To talk to the dead, press one. If you'd like the Ethereum, the Imperium, or the Emerald Beyond, please hold. :'''Woman''': I can't hear it clearly&mdash; :'''Servo''': That's because it's a '''''RAZOR BLADE IN A GLASS!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krasker lights up a cigar before the seance]'' :'''Crow [as Krasker/[[w:Bill Cosby|Bill Cosby]]]''': And m' wife...came downstairs...her face...was ''split''! Hah hah hah...razzim frazzim... <hr width="50%"/> :''[the horn that is part of Krasker's machine for the seance blares, startling Mike and the bots]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, my ride's here! :'''Crow''': Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the end credits]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, I just realized something: They NEVER talked to the dead! === [[w:Zombie Nightmare|Zombie Nightmare]] === :''[The opening credits identify the [[w: heavy metal|heavy metal]] bands who contributed music to the soundtrack: [[w:Motorhead|Motorhead]]...]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, Motorhead! I have their latest collection of [[w:Cole Porter|Cole Porter]] tunes! :''[...[[w:Girlschool|Girlschool]]...]'' :'''Crow''': Uh, that's ''Woman''school? :''[...[[w:Thor|Thor]]...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[lisping]'' Oh, I think Thor ith fabulouth. :''[...[[w:Deathmask|Deathmask]]...]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, Deathmask! They played at my parents' anniversary party! :''[...and [[w:Fist|Fist]].]'' :'''Servo''': And I saw Fist when they opened for [[w:Badfinger|Badfinger]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Before the car hits Tony]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo |Servo]]''': Don't worry, his ''area'' will protect him! :''[Tony gets hit by car]'' :'''Servo''': ...Or not. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': I used to like you when you were a Caped Crusader, even better than Darth Vader. But then you were the best, but now you are like all the rest. That's all, so see you later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After running over Tony, the music stops as the teens frantically clamor to each other and scramble to get out of the car.]'' :'''Mike [as one of the teens]''': I think we hit a moose! :'''Crow [as one of the teens]''': ''[hysterical]'' ''C'MON, TURN THE TAPE OVER!!!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Hank the grocer runs over to Tony's body]'' :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot| Crow]]''': [[w:Dead Skunk|There's a deeeaaaaad hunk in the middle of the road]]! Dead boy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby knocks on the window of their car, talking to Jim]'' :'''Bobby''': Hey, what's the matter? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': This [[w:Kansas (band)|Kansas]] song just makes me so sad! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jim''': What are you looking at? Eat your ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony stumbles towards a college-like athletic building]'' :'''Crow [as Tony]''': Must... register... for... semester! :. . . :''[The soundtrack is peppered with sporadic metallic clanging noises.]'' :'''Servo''': Damn radiator! :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by [[w:John Cage|John Cage]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony looks up to a bright light]'' :'''Servo''': [[Airplane!|The ''dead'' Zone is for loading and unloading only...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[When [[w:Adam West|Adam West]] first appears on screen, sitting behind a desk, smoking a cigar]'' :'''Servo [as ''[[Batman (TV series)|Batman]]'' TV announcer]''': What's ''this''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police Captain Churchman (Adam West) walks over to a reluctant punk murder suspect being restrained by workers and kicks him in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh that was easy for him, he just pretended it was [[w:Tim Burton|Tim Burton]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Sorrell''': ''[on the issue of Bobby's murder]'' The kid was impaled with a baseball bat; I don't know how this James Earl guy could do it! :'''Capt. Churchman''': Maybe James Earl has a great batting average. :'''Servo''': But it's the [[w: Run batted in|R.B.Is]] that count, isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zombie Tony is returning to the cemetery after a night of killing]'' :'''Crow''': Y'know, ironically, they were only able to [[w:Al Capone|bust the zombie for tax evasion!]] ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a car backs up, turns around and drives away]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hal Needham|Hal Needham]] was brought in to direct this scene. :''[The car drives off the screen.]'' :'''Servo''': And that's it. === [[w:Colossus and the Headhunters|Colossus and the Headhunters]] === :''[Our hero [[w:Maciste|Maciste]] (AKA Colossus) returns to find pandemonium: people are running in every direction, large stones falling around, and a volcano erupting.]'' :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': I leave you alone for ''one hour—!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ariel''': What is your name? :'''Maciste''': Maciste, and yours? :'''Crow''': ''[holding back laughter]'' ''Cheese''steak? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans very slowly down Maciste's body as he steers the raft]'' :'''Crow''': Hmm... the camera operator is ''indulging'' himself here... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After many days on a raft, Maciste pulls the sail aside to see land nearby.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, it was behind the sail the whole time! :'''Maciste''': Land! Land! :'''Servo [as Maciste]''': It would be really great if we found some land! :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': It's... the wrong land, never mind, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maciste has been shot in the chest with an arrow, but he pulls it out effortlessly and gets to his feet.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[snickering]'' Luckily, this was before death had been invented. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa is explaining her peoples' problem to Maciste at considerable length.]'' :'''Crow [as Maciste]''': ''[wearily]'' Hey, look, my island blew up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two men grapple on a rope bridge and tumble over the side.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh no! It's a horrible drop into... :''[They land in the water, about two feet below the bridge.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh. Heh. :. . . :''[More soldiers tumble off the bridge, continuing to fight in the river.]'' :'''Servo [as soldier]''': Hey, this is fun! Whoopee! :'''Mike''': And thus, [[w:synchronized swimming|synchronized swimming]] was invented! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The beanstalk-thin villain, Kermes, is explaining his evil plans to Queen Amoa.]'' :'''Kermes''': The fragile shoulders of a woman can not bear the burdens of a kingdom without assistance. :'''Mike''': Pssh! ''He's'' talking about fragile shoulders. :'''Kermes''': Maintaining a throne demands courage, wisdom, bravery, and cruelty... :'''Servo''': And pants! :'''Kermes''': And all the other virtues that only... a MAN could possibly possess. :'''Crow''': Well, at least you're not pompous. : . . . :'''Kermes''': That is why you and I will rule together with me as your... :'''Servo''': Dun-dun-dun! :'''Kermes''': ...advisor. :'''Crow''': Huh?! : . . . :''[Queen Amoa rebukes Kermes as he looks on with a devastated look on his face.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': Why are you yelling at me? This is my greatest moment, stop it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Isn't it cute the way they're making a stab at a plot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fight scene has broken out.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Queen Amoa demands that a dance be performed before her wedding as a stalling tactic... and the dance is really, really bad.]'' :'''Servo''': Now ''this'' will anger the gods! : . . . :''[The not very good dance goes on and on.]'' :'''Mike''': So... the director has a girlfriend. :'''Crow''': Apparently! : . . . :'''Crow''': This is history's first awkward moment. :'''Mike''': ''[dramatically]'' For the first time, people don't know where to look. : . . . :'''Crow [as the blind King]''': I think it's pretty good! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans across a battle in the headhunters' village—and past an embarrased-looking tribesman standing awkwardly by himself.]'' :'''Mike''': Aw, poor guy doesn't have a fighting partner! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The effeminate villain, Kermes, drops a portcullis to trap Maciste.]'' :'''Mike [as Kermes]''': ''[Lisping.]'' I caught you, you bitch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kermes ambushes Maciste and, in the ensuing fight, gets stabbed with his own sword.]'' :'''Mike [as Maciste]''': Wow, those sharp things really work! : . . . :'''Servo''': And three quarters into the movie, Maciste finally ''does'' something! === [[w:The Creeping Terror|The Creeping Terror]] === :'''Crow''': ''[while the crew indulges in a coffee shop setting scenario, trying to avoid coming off as pretentious]'' It's definitely not working. ... ''[in a snobby tone]'' I've been recording my life in pastel! :'''Servo''': The only question worth asking is "What am '''I''' going through right now?". :'''Gypsy''': ''[as a in-house guitarist, towards Mike]'' You- the white male- are my personal oppressor. Oh my! :'''Crow''': Yes, she is so great! I saw her one-woman show; her soul cried out to me. :'''Gypsy''': So I'll take my rage, and box it up, and take it out with the trash! :'''Mike''': Thanks a lot, Dr. Forrester; see what you've done? You turned my friends into a bunch of self-absorbed poseurs! :'''Gypsy''': A white male middle-class power holder would say '''that''', Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Frank and Dr. Forrester are doing laundry in Deep 13]'' :'''Frank''': I'll show you some real Creeping Terrors... these grass stains! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[while he and Mike stage a parody vignette of "[[w:Love, American Style|Love, American Style]]", holding a wedding ring]'' Well, I'm finally going to propose to Debbie! :'''Mike''': That's great; let's see the ring. ''[puts it on his finger, and it gets stuck]'' The ring's stuck! :'''Servo''': I guess '''we'll''' have to get married! ''[chuckles as he and Mike kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Servo has appeared to have Gypsy devour him, and Crow is halfway inside her mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Here I come, Tommy! :'''Servo''': Okay, buddy. Slide right down! :'''Mike''': Crow! What in the world are you doing?! ''[Mike pulls Crow out of Gypsy's mouth]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, hey! Whoa, Whoa, Whoa! OW! Right on my hip! :'''Mike''': Come on up here! :'''Gypsy''': Thanks, Mike. I hope you don't think that was my idea. :'''Mike''': No, I think I know whose idea it was. ''[peeks inside Gypsy's mouth]'' Hey, Tom! :'''Servo''': Hey, Mike! See if you can get her to swallow you. It's really neat! :'''Gypsy''': ''[embarrassed]'' Oh, This is so embarrassing... I don't look fat, do I?... :'''Mike''': No, Gypsy. You don't look fat. You're a little lumpy, maybe, but not fat. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, this is embarrassing... :'''Servo''': Come on! Hop in and experience the alimentary canal in action. It's the ultimate trip! :'''Mike''': Uh, no thanks. I think I'll pass. Anyway, we got letters to read here. :'''Gypsy''': You know, Mike, I don't feel very well all of the sudden. I think I'm getting allergic to Tom... :'''Crow''': Join the club, Gypsy. :'''Gypsy''': I think I'll go get a tissue... ''[slowly slithers away]'' ==== The Creeping Terror (film) ==== :''[of the opening title's stylized spiraling background''] :'''Mike''': Who left their hair in the sink? :'''Servo''': Things I can do with my spirograph! :'''Crow''': When spiders drink too much. . . . :'''Crow''': Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the film opens with a black screen and no sound]'' :'''Crow''': The point of view of [[w: Helen Keller|Helen Keller]]. :''[the screen then shifts to the point of view of Martin and his wife Brett driving home at a leisurely pace from their honeymoon]'' :'''Mike''': Why, it's not creeping; this Terror's clipping along just fine! . . . :'''Servo''': ''[of the monotony of the drive]'' A very un-involving videogame. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sheriff Ben and Deputy Martin examine a spacecraft.]'' :'''Sheriff Ben''': It could be one of our missiles. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Martin]''': This county has missiles, sir? <hr width="50%"/> :[''The carpet/alien is "devouring" a screaming woman, who is obviously climbing into the prop's mouth''] :'''Mike [as Alien]''': Uh, if you could help me out by climbing in... :'''Crow [as Alien]''': I can't believe I ate the ''whole'' thing! . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Alien/Carl Denham]'' [[King Kong (1933 film)|'Twas Beauty fed the Beast]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': ''[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib]'' Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby]'' No! Get lost! :'''Servo''': Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen. :'''Crow''': ''[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer]'' Wait, you're gonna put that '''where'''?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better! :'''Mike''': ''[as baby after getting checked]'' Owwww, you'll pay for this! :'''Woman''': Poor baby; you'll feel better soon. :'''Mike''': What about picking him up, or feeding him? :'''Servo''': ''[as woman]'' That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A woman hangs laundry, consisting entirely of white items.]'' :'''Crow''': When [[w:Tom Wolfe#The white suit|Tom Wolfe's]] wife does the laundry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pursued by the monster, a morbidly obese man falls over into a shallow stream and flails around wildly]'' :'''Servo''': Let the current take you away! '''''SWIIIIM!''''' :'''Mike''': And the world has one less Santa. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at a formal dance, the alien appears and numerous women scream in terror]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as the Alien]'' I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had. :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' Why is everybody lookin' at me? :'''Woman''': ''[flatly exclaiming]'' My God; what is it?! :''[Crow, Servo, and Mike all break out laughing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as the Alien]'' "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The monster next appeared in Lovers' Lane. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': …to a sold-out crowd! :'''Narrator''': Everyone who experienced that catastrophe and survived would never go there again. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': And those who did ''not'' survive such a catastrophe ''also'' would not go there again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after the monster eats a couple, which looks like it was humping a car afterwards]'' :'''Crow''': He's mistaken the car for a lady monster! Eww! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Martin tries to disable the ship's computers by beating it with his pistol.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey, there's ''bullets'' in the other end of that thing! === [[w:Bloodlust!|Bloodlust!]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[of Pearl Forrester's influence on Clay]'' Now I understand why he's so sick! Boy, I'm tempted to call her something that rhymes with 'bitch'! Oh, I mean 'witch'! :'''Servo''': She said the word! Gypsy's in trouble; Gypsy's in trouble! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the SOL bridge, Mike and the Bots are in costumes.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah! Hello. Welcome to tonight's ''Mystery… Murder… Dinner… Party''— :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''I'' did it! :'''[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]], Servo, [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': CROW! ==== Uncle Jim's Dairy Farm (short) ==== :'''Mike''': Is [[w:Velveeta|Velveeta]] a member of the National Dairy Council? :'''Servo''': No, Velveeta's a splinter group. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title appears on screen]'' :'''Crow''': I ''thought'' I smelled something! :'''Servo''': Yes, the farm of secrets and lies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': A cautionary tale. :'''Narrator''': George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': They're dropping off the kids and never coming back. :'''Narrator''': But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm. :'''Mike''': Poor saps. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids take turns ringing a bell to call Jim.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts. :'''Crow''': Well, now they have nothing to look forward to! :'''Servo [as George]''': I never want this day to end! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Already the children have disturbed Uncle Jim. Uncle Jim is an ''edgy'' man who should not be riled. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As grain pours out of a spout]'' :'''Servo [as Uncle Jim]''': See? We dump this stuff in the creek and the government pays us for it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': I just saw a finger! :'''Mike [as George]''': ''[whining]'' Can we go home? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The kids are playing in the hayloft]'' :'''Servo''': Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance. :'''Crow''': '''OW, MY SPINE!''' :'''Mike [as Andy]''': I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to... :'''Servo [as Andy]''': OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK! :'''Crow''': All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay. :'''Mike [as George]''': I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at [[w:Pamida|Pamida]]. :'''Servo''': Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging. :'''Mike''': You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': George and Andy help Bill feed the pigs every day. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Day after life-sucking day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Betty and Jane play with baby chicks]'' :'''Narrator''': Baby chicks, too... :'''Mike''': Hey, they're women-- oh. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[George and Andy are playing with the family dog in an open field]'' On the farm, a big dog has plenty of room to run and play. But he's more than a pet; he also protects the family... :'''Servo''': ''[as Narrator]'' From rival farm gangs! :'''Narrator''': ''[as the dog's puppies come scampering from behind]'' But all the puppies have to do is eat and play and sleep so they can grow up strong and healthy. :'''Servo''': ''[gushing over the puppies]'' Awww, puppy! Look at 'em; little Humphrey, little Humphrey! {{hnote|Referring to staff member and Servo's puppeteer Kevin Murphy's own dog Humphrey}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As everyone has dinner]'' :'''Narrator''': Living on a farm makes you hungry and aunt Helen certainly is a good cook. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Given her limitations. :'''Crow''': Jerry Lee Lewis joins the family for dinner. :'''Mike''': Ah, yes, now's the time for Uncle Jim's fundamentalist dogma. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': But I don't like food! :'''Narrator''': Look at all the wonderful things to eat. :'''Crow''': At restaurants. :'''Narrator''': It takes all kinds of food to build up muscles and let us bigger and stronger. :'''Mike''': Mostly just butter. :'''Servo''': Susie drains the last of her Dirty Banana. :'''Crow [as Jane]''': That's why I'm burning my bra. :'''Mike''': Repressed emotions help the evening pass without incident. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A rooster crows and the girls wake up in their bunk bed]'' :'''Servo''': Three hours later, it's up again. :'''Crow''': Back home, a Hershey's truck has overturned and everyone is getting all the free chocolate they want. :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Uncle Jim's out of control. We [[w:Frag_%28military%29|frag]] him today. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Mmm, good white, hearty white bread for white, white people. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': As the summer passed, everything seemed to grow. The corn was knee high on George when he came. Now it's taller than he is. :'''Servo''': George is clearly shrinking. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The summer is over, and George and Betty are waiting for their parents to take them back to the city. :'''Mike and Crow [as George and Jane]''': FREEDOM! :''[Their parents drive up to the farm]'' :'''Servo [as George and Jane's father]''': Just throw them their winter clothes and then floor it! :'''Crow [as George]''': Hey, they're driving right by-- Wait! Wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with everyone waving as they drive off]'' :'''Crow [as Uncle Jim]''': Goodbye! We'll send you that arm if we find it! :'''Mike [as George]''': So long, you corn-shucking suckers! ==== Bloodlust! (movie) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Servo''': The story of Wisconsin sausage. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Our helpless "heroes" are instructed to go to "The Tree Of Death" where they will find means to fight back Balleau. Cut to a tree with a jawless skull on it]'' :'''Mike [as the skull]''': ''[muffled and sarcastically]'' Oh, oh, REAL good plan! "Let's go to the Tree Of Death right away!" <hr width="50%"/> :[''In Balleau's "gallery", one of his victims is kneeling with his hands extended''] :'''Mike [as Al Jolson]''': ''[singing]'' Mammy! Mammy! I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[indignantly]'' I ''don't like'' the villain! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Balleau''': [''towards Tony''] Tony; I have reconsidered. :'''Mike''': [''as Balleau, shooting Tony in the stomach with a crossbow bolt''] John Steinbeck in [[Of Mice and Men|Of Mice and Murder]]. :'''Tom Servo''': [''as Tony screams in pain and dies''] Rail! Rail against the dying of the- <hr width="50%"/> :''[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", ''then'' this would be ironic. === [[w:Code Name: Diamond Head|Code Name: Diamond Head]] === :''[Magic Voice and Cambot present to Crow and Servo a hypothetical vision of what life on the Satellite would be like if Mike wasn't nice]'' :'''Mike''': ''[to Crow and Servo; dressed like and acting like a strict Boy Scout chief]'' I suppose you think you're bein' a smart aleck, don't you mister? Well, I'll tell you something; I'll wipe that smile right off your face! :'''Crow''': Hey; we were just reading- :'''Mike''': ''[hits Crow with a magazine he confiscated from him]'' Shut your pie hole! I know a thing or two about a thing or two; I'm not gonna take any lip from you two, I'll tell you that right now! :'''Servo''': But we didn't- ''[gets hit by Mike and starts crying]'' :'''Mike''': I'm not gonna raise any sissies around here; you guys got it easy! Look at this (soda) pop; is it done? Look at it! ''[jams the soda cans into Servo's and Crow's faces]'' Now '''that's''' a done pop! :'''Servo''': ''[unnerved, from outside the monitor simulation]'' Okay, Cambot; we've seen enough! :'''Crow''': Turn it off; '''''TURN IT OFF'''''!!! ==== A Day at the Fair (short) ==== :''[The opening title and copyright information only appear for a few seconds.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I didn't finish! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very beginning of the short]'' :'''Narrator''': This is the fairground, where the fair is held. :'''Servo''': Any questions so far? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Olson family loads their truck for the county fair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Into the truck goes one of the calves that Johnny Olson has raised. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator/Barker]''': Tell us what they've won, Johnny Olson! {{hnote|Johnny Olson was a famous TV announcer for variety and games shows from the '50s through the '80s, probably best known for The Price is Right.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny goes first to see the fish. :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': I like fish... :'''Narrator''': Say, these bass would make good fishing! If only they were in the creek back home. :'''Mike''': Well, see, they ''were'' in the creek, but they've been ''caught'' and that's why they're ''here''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob and Johnny are examining a collection of moths on display at the fairgrounds]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': Later, these moths turn up [[w:Buffalo Bill (The Silence of the Lambs)|in the mouths of Bob's victims!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a collection of pickle jars]'' :'''Servo''': Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races! :''[The short cuts to a new scene]'' :'''Narrator''': What's this? :'''Crow''': EVIL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A matronly judge unenthusiastically samples a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': Judging cakes oughta be fun. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': … but this woman sucks the joy out of it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The stern-looking judge closely examines a cake.]'' :'''Narrator''': First, she ''feels'' the cake... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...then she rubs it into her hair... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Olsens go to have lunch...]'' :'''Mike [as Mr. Olsen]''': Let's go eat something gray. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator talks about lunchtime at the fair over footage of children eating, including a noticeably obese boy chowing down on a foot-long hot dog.]'' :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Watch the boy on the left. His heart's about to explode! ''Waaait''... :. . . :'''Narrator''': Over at the 4-H Booth, they get fried chicken with all the trimmings! :'''Crow''': ''[confused]'' What, tinsel, little lights? :'''Servo''': This is an actual 4-H feeding frenzy. :. . . :'''Narrator''': Other fairgoers like to picnic on the grass like this. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': [[w:Grazing_in_the_Grass#The_Friends_of_Distinction_version|Grazing in the grass is a gas. Baby, can you dig it?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Olson examines a jet plane.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bob still has lots to see. This is a jet plane. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bob]''': Where's the corn go? :'''Narrator''': Wonder what it would be like to fly it? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...over Cambodia, secretly maintaining plausible deniability. {{hnote|American flights over officially non-combatant Cambodia in the Vietnam War used the dubious doctrine of plausible deniability to avoid wider political repercussions.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harness races at the grandstand]'' :'''Crow [as horse]''': Get the car! There's carrots in the car! :'''Servo [as horse]''': Carrots? I love carrots! :. . . :'''Mike''': A wheel slices into the crowd, killing three! :'''Crow''': ''[quietly, as if off in distance]'' ''Aiieee''... :'''Servo''': Still, nothing measures up to those bass, huh? :. . . :'''Narrator''': They're into the curb. :'''Servo''': And they're into jazz. :'''Crow [as boy]''': Come on, you chunk of dog food, I got a year's allowance on ya! :. . . :''[One horse is way behind.]'' :'''Mike [as horse]''': Uh, hey guys, wait up! :. . . :'''Narrator''': The race is over. :'''Crow''': And The Oak Ridge Boys take the stage. :'''Mike [singing as The Oak Ridge Boys]''' ''Elvira...'' :''[Fade to the next scene]'' :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Dad, I owe Big Lenny 42 large! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 4-H cow show, the judge announces the winner.]'' :'''Narrator''': Well! The champion's blue ribbon goes to a girl! :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The cows are furious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Narrator''': Too soon, the rides are over. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The lawsuts begin. :'''Narrator''': And too soon, all the fun comes to an end. :. . . :'''Crow [as one of the Olsons]''': You spent your nickel, we're done. ==== Code Name: Diamond Head (movie) ==== :''[Over a pristine shot of Hawaiian beach...]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is a very nice place, I can see why families would want to&mdash; :''[A man suddenly pops his head up into frame and starts singing.]'' :'''Mike, Servo, & Crow''': AAAAAAAAH! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This is so almost ''Mitchell''. :'''Crow''': It's about fifty pounds short of ''Mitchell''. === [[w:The Skydivers|The Skydivers]] === ==== Why Study Industrial Arts? (short) ==== :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Because you're bad at math? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': No students' arms were harmed in the making of this film. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short is a Centron production.]'' :'''Servo''': Thank you, Centron! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We are brought to a dull and rather gloomy industrial arts course in progress.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[after several seconds of silence]'' Depressed yet? :'''Joe [voiceover]''': You know, it's fun to have an idea. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': There, wasn't that fun? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In voiceover, industrial arts nerd Joe talks about his beloved craft.]'' :'''Joe''': And you know, I like the feel of a board moving smoothly against a sharp saw. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Joe]''': ''[luridly]'' ...then I thrust the nail into the soft, yielding wood... :'''Joe''': I like the smell of fresh wood chips and sawdust... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': ''[nervously]'' I put them in my underwear! :'''Joe''': ...the bright glare of a welder... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' I like to sneak in and lay on the table saw! :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Yes! :'''Joe''': ...the sharp whine of the power tools… :'''Mike [as Joe]''': ...the piercing scream of a freshman… :'''Joe''': ...or the dull tap-tap of tools on leather. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[wobbily]'' Tap ta-tap-tap... I keep ''Popular Mechanics'' under my mattress! :'''Servo''': The feeling of chaps with no pants! :'''Joe''': ...A wrench... :'''Mike''': Let it go, man! Shop class was a long time ago! It's OVER! :'''Joe''': ...A plane... :'''Crow [as Joe]''': ''[haltingly]'' These tools are my friends! :'''Joe''': ...or a chisel... :'''Servo''': What about girls young man? Girls? :'''Mike''': No, no, chisels! :'''Joe''': And I feel real good, because I'm a craftsman. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': And not a killer! :'''Joe''': Of course, I don't know if I'd ever tell my buddies all this. 'Cuz, well, sometimes they laugh when you tell them things like that. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Then they pants you and drag you around the track… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe's buddy admires a piece of Joe's handywork.]'' :'''Joe's buddy''': Wow, you made this? :'''Mike [as Joe]''': I'm making it for the [[w:Ku Klux Klan|Grand Wizard]]. :'''Joe's buddy''': Ya know, this looks as good as furniture you'd buy in a store. :'''Joe''': It ought to, it's taken me long enough to make it. :'''Joe's buddy''': Kinda slow, huh? :'''Joe''': Yeah, but I've learned after making this one that I can probably make another in about half the time. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Still, your Mexicans do it real cheap. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe's buddy''': How'd ya like this shop class, Joe? :'''Joe''': I like it swell. Why? :''[Scene cuts to Joe's big eared buddy]'' :'''Servo [as Joe's buddy]''': Could you staple my ears back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Barnes is in the middle of explaining the importance of taking an industrial arts course to Joe. However, his speech is monotonous, and he speaks haltingly.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] carpenters. :'''Servo [as Mr. Barnes]''': ''[woodenly]'' We'll need actors. People who can read. Lines with... and interact with others. :. . . :''[Mr. Barnes continues explaining over a shot of the inside of a foundry.]'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': [We'll need] foundry men. :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''Oh, you never would believe where those [[w:Keebler|Keebler]] cookies come from...'' :'''Mr. Barnes''': Tool operators. :'''Crow''', '''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Tool operator . . . [[w:Smooth Operator|tooooooool operator]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Crow''': This is the film the boys had to watch and the girls had to go to the gym and watch [[w: The_Story_of_Menstruation|the ''other'' film]]! ==== The Skydivers (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits list over three dozen actors.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I know what this is, this is an "I-can't-pay-you-but-I'll-put-your-name-in-the-credits" cast list. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Is Frankie here? :'''Beth''': Frankie's not here. :'''Mike''': [[w:Frankie Goes to Hollywood|Frankie goes to Hollywood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Beth''': Would you like some coffee? :'''Joe Moss''': Coffee? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Joe]''': What is this "coffee"? :'''Joe Moss''': ''[stiltedly]'' I ''like'' coffee! :'''Beth''': Well, good! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character. :. . . :''[Beth and Joe walk across the airfield]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe]''': Where ''is'' it, your "coffee"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The plane Beth is in starts to malfunction before it even leaves the ground]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[[w:Terror in the Sky|Terror at Sea-level]]''. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[giggling]'' More terrifying than ''[[w:Airport '77|Airport '77]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry pulls his hugely coiffed wife Beth out of the malfunctioning plane.]'' :'''Harry''': What happened? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Beth]''': I saw my hair in the mirror and I panicked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Beth looks on as Harry [played by [[w:Anthony Cardoza|Tony Cardoza]]] straps on a parachute in what appears to be the middle of a desert field.]'' :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Uh, I think you'll need the plane, too, Tony. :'''Harry''': Bob, you ready? :'''Bob''': ''[off-camera]'' Sure, Harry! :''[Cut to a parachuted man making his way out from the back of a deep hangar.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Wait! He- he- he was there, and now we g— the plane was—! :'''Mike''': ''[sputters unintelligibly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Someone with [[w:Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder|attention deficit disorder]] edited this film. : . . . :''[A helmeted Harry climbs into the unmarked, unnumbered white plane.]'' :'''Crow''': What's the point of a helmet in skydiving? In case you land on your ''head''? :'''Mike''': Generic Plane. ''Cheaper'' than other planes. : . . . :''[Poofy-haired Beth watches Harry take off.]'' :'''Crow''': Honey, even if a hairstyle is "in," it may not be the right one for ''you''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Harry carries Suzy, wearing a hooded white beach robe and opaque sunglasses, from her boat to her boat-like convertible.]'' :'''Mike''': Enjoy this tribute to white, white bodies. : . . . :'''Servo [as Suzy]''': I need to get out of the sun to maintain my fishbelly-white complexion. :'''Suzy''': Will I see you tomorrow? :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Uh, you have to ask the editor. :'''Harry''': ''[monotone]'' No... not tomorrow. :'''Crow [as Harry]''': I have a headache... tomorrow. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a rather dark room, Beth lights a candle on a small dinner table.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, she's setting up for a [[w:séance|séance]]. :'''Crow''': They're going to invoke the spirit of the [[w:Continuity (fiction)|continuity]] man. : . . . :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Dinner isn't ''white'' enough, honey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': And Frankie, if I ever catch you around here again, I'll break both your legs. :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': What if I don't bring 'em with me? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie''': I feel real ''free'' in that wild blue sky. :'''Crow [as Bernie]''': Cops can't touch me ''up there''. :'''Bernie''': ...Feels good, making like a bird, floating around up there. :'''Mike [as Bernie]''': Poopin' on people. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After half an hour of mumbled dialog and uneventful skydiving...]'' :'''Mike''': Seems like they forgot to have things ''happen'' in this movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Harry departs, Beth walks up to his friend Joe. The coveralled pair exchanges a meaningful look.]'' :'''Crow''': Two zips and we're naked! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Of Suzy's dimwitted, pliable paramour, Frankie...]'' :'''Crow''': He's like an idiot savant—minus the savant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Suzy''': Well, Frankie, are you chicken? :'''Mike [as Frankie]''': Uh, let me see... am I a chicken? Well I don't have a comb, or a gizzard, but sometimes I do ingest gravel to grind my food and my—uh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Suzy and Frankie sneak into the hangar, where white skydiving helmets peek out between folded chutes.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no! The skydivers have been laying their huge eggs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]'' :'''Mike''': This isn't ''[[The Right Stuff (film)|The Right Stuff]]''; it's just... some ''stuff''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A middle-aged man in a plane aims a rifle at Suzy and Frankie as they flee in their car.]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[muttering]'' I see me a hippie. ''[shouting]'' Getcher hair cut, hippie! Not so "groovy", is it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe, in his energy-less delivery, says goodbye to the widowed Beth.]'' :'''Crow''': A stranger comes to town, touches ''nobody's'' life, and leaves. : . . . :'''Mike [as Beth]''': Now I can do what I ''really'' want to! Which is, uh... I'm not sure. Heh. [[w:What Color is Your Parachute?|What color ''is'' my parachute?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A guitarist resembles [[w:Ralph Fiennes|Ralph Fiennes]]]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's [[w:Amon Göth|Amon Göth]] on guitar! {{hnote|Referencing Schindler's List, in which the real-life Nazi labor camp commandant Amon Göth was portrayed by Ralph Fiennes.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A plane starts taxiing the runway.]'' :'''Crow [as pilot]''': Ah, Roger, tower, which way is the sky? === [[w:The Violent Years|The Violent Years]] === <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom Servo shows off his new ventriloquist dummy head to Mike, Crow, and Gypsy, terrifying them badly.]'' :'''Servo''': Ta-da! :'''Mike''': '''WHOA!!''' :'''Crow : ''[horrified]'' '''''WHOA, WHOA!!!''''' ''[Crow sobs loudly and uncontrollably]'' :'''Servo''': Pretty impressive! Hey folks! I tell ya, I feel like a new man! :'''Gypsy''': ''[horrified]'' '''''I FEEL ILL!!!''''' ''[Gypsy leaves out of disgust and horror]'' :'''Servo''': I know what you’re thinking. Cary Grant, right? I could see that, sure! Maybe even a little touch of Seinfeld? Ha, ha, ha, you know I'm weighing several new career options, fellas. Politics, TV news, I'm even considering franchising the look, he-he, maybe a series of infomercials. Hey kids, you gotta get ahead? get a head! :'''Mike''': Ha ha ha ha... '''''GET HIM!''''' ''[Mike attempts to pounce on Servo and rip the dummy head off while Crow continues wailing and screaming]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and Crow are reenacting the gas station hold-up from movie, confusing Tom and Gypsy.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oh, what are they doin'? :'''Servo''': I think they're recreating the gas station hold up from the movie. :'''Gypsy''': Oh... :''[Crow and Mike stand very still, not moving. Gypsy yawns]'' :'''Gypsy''': Uh, Tom? :'''Tom Servo''': Huh? :'''Gypsy''': Was it exciting in the movie? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Well, was it funny? :'''Tom Servo''': Nope. :'''Gypsy''': Oh, well, uh, maybe we'd better read a letter, huh? ==== Young Man's Fancy (short) ==== :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': Young man's fancy crinkle-cut potatoes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short begins, Judy is ironing while listening to the radio.]'' :'''Mike''': She's listening to her to dehumidifier. :'''Servo''': Yes, teens dig lush orchestral arrangements. :'''Radio Announcer''': 12 o'clock and time for the headlines of the latest news of the day. According to the latest bulletins-- ''[Judy turns off the radio]'' :'''Crow [as Radio Announcer]''': Ironing can be deadly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is shoveling bacon into her mouth.]'' :'''Judy''': Mmmm . . . I just love bacon so crisp and crunchy like this. :'''Mike''': Yeah, evidently. :'''Mrs. Adams''': Honey, stop wolfing your food! No one's going to take it away from you. :'''Judy''': Sorry, sweetie, but it's really your fault. You shouldn't make them so good. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Whatever happened to my pet Vietnamese potbellied pig? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy primps in front of a mirror.]'' :'''Mike [as Judy]''': There. Now I look like Mom. :'''Crow [as Judy]''': Thank goodness for my electric dress! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The phone rings as Judy and her mom serve lunch to the boys.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, the electric phone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy talks about Alex on the phone with a girlfriend.]'' :'''Judy''': Did he arrive? Man, he's positively ''frantic''! :'''Servo [as Judy]''': He runs around screaming! :. . . :'''Judy''': And when he looks at me, I get . . . you know, ''squishy''! :'''Crow [as the person on the phone]''': Well, that's nice, ma'am. I'm just trying to sell my magazines. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mrs. Adams demonstrates the whirring electric dishwasher to Alex.]'' :'''Mrs. Adams''': There. Nothing to it. :'''Servo''': AND IT'S QUIET, TOO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy walks around the kitchen, rattling an eggbeater in an empty bowl to try and get Alex's attention.]'' :'''Crow''': Um, has anybody noticed that the daughter is ''psychotic?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy, pretending her mixer doesn't work, opens the kitchen door slightly to get Alex's attention from the next room.]'' :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[coughs]'' OH DEAR! :'''Judy''': Oh, ''me''! :'''Servo''': ''[laughing]'' Did I call that? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex plugs in Judy's mixer.]'' :'''Alex''': There we are. :'''Mike [as Alex]''': God, you're ''dumb''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy gazes adoringly at Alex as he explains the benefit of the electric kitchen appliances.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w: Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome|Judy: Beyond Thundersquishy]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': I thought, maybe . . . how'd you like to go dancing? :'''Judy''': Dancing? Oh, Alex, how ''dreamy''! :''[Crow begins whimpering and panting like an excited puppy]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the closing credits]'' :'''Servo''': This film was brought to you by the Nerd Council. Support your local nerd! :'''Mike''': And a generous grant from the Mom Corporation. The incredible power of Mom. ==== The Violent Years (movie) ==== :''[Zoom to close-up of back of Paula's head, then dissolve to same back of head]'' :'''Mike''': Ladies and gentlemen, your screenwriter: [[w:Ed Wood|Ed Wood]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After character gets shot in the classroom by police]'' :'''Mike''': She died like she lived... failing algebra. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several spinning newspaper headlines are shown after the off-screen male rape scene. Everybody starts making up headlines]'' :'''Crow''': ''Refuses to Press Charges!'' :'''Servo''': ''Says: "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou!"'' :'''Mike''': ''Hundreds of Men Flock to Crime Scene!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police car is searching for the girl gang]'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''You said ''you'' knew where the chase was!'' :'''Crow''' [as a cop]: ''No, you said ''you'' knew where it was!'' :'''Mike''' [as a cop]: ''Well, I never!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Judge''': Some people think that newspapers exaggerate juvenile crime... :'''Mike''': We don't! Can we go? === [[w:Last of the Wild Horses|Last of the Wild Horses]] === :''[On the SOL Bridge, Mike has just explained that he reprogrammed the 'bots to have different regional speech patterns.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So, Crow, before we go to the show, would you like to have Coke? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Uh sure, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': I said Coke. :'''Crow''': I know, I'll have a root beer. :'''Servo''': All I have is Coke. :'''Crow''': Oh, then Forget it, I'll just use the bubbler. :'''Servo''': Okay. Huh? :'''Crow''': Oh, uh, by the way, what show are we seeing? I thought we were going to a movie. :'''Servo''': We are. :'''Crow''': And a show? :'''Servo''': No! :'''Crow''': Then why did you say we're going to a show? :'''Servo''': Because we are! :'''Crow''': What show? :'''Servo''': [[w:Awakenings (film)|''Awakenings'']]. :'''Crow''': That's a movie! :'''Servo''': I know! ''[sighs]'' Are you going to come with? :'''Crow''': Come with what? :'''Servo''': Me, Crow, me! Are you going to come with me?! :'''Crow''': Yeah, but I'm a little low, could you ''borrow me'' some money? :'''Mike''': Wait a minute, okay, I think that's enough. You know, there's a difference between regionalism and just plain stupidity. :'''Crow''': But Mike, irregardless of that fact... : . . . :'''Crow''': So what time's dinner? :'''Servo''': Noon okay? :'''Crow''': But that's lunch! :'''Servo''': Lunch, dinner, same thing. :''[The Mad's light flashes]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, something's flashing over to the whatsit there. :'''Crow''': Ooh, the blinker! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Due to an ion storm, Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank have switched places with Mike and the Bots. They enter the theater.]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Aren't you gonna carry me into the theater? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, you're getting too big for that! :'''TV's Frank''': Aw, it's my favorite part! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[reacting to the alternate versions' of Frank and Forrester performing "Joey the Lemur"]'' THIS IS WORSE THAN I EVER IMAGINED HAVING MY WORST NIGHTMARE ABOUT! :'''Servo''': This is horrible; there are no lemurs in this movie! ''[flees while he and Gypsy scream in horror]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the beginning credits, two men are fighting.]'' :'''[[w:TV's Frank|Frank]]''': You lost the last of the wild horses, you dink! :. . . :''[The credits identify [[w:Albert Glasser|Albert Glasser]] as the film's score composer.]'' :'''[[w:Doctor Clayton Forrester (MST3K)|Forrester]]''': Ah, Albert Glasser, the man who straps you down and ''pummels'' you with music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As boss-murderer Riley approaches, Remedy rides off, accidentally dropping a letter revealing Riley's guilt.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Storyteller]''': Ungodly coincidences of the Old West. :''[Riley turns to one of his henchmen.]'' :'''Riley''': He dropped something. See what it is. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Riley]''': It's a [[w:Plot device|plot device]]. It's very flimsy, so ''be careful''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the barn fight, Duke knocks Riley over into the hay.]'' :'''Mike [as Riley]''': Ooh! [[wikt:needle in a haystack|Found the needle!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Duke and Riley tumble out of the loft and hit the floor of the barn.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:I Fought The Law|I fought the loft and the loft won.]] === [[w:The Starfighters|The Starfighters]] === :''[over the opening title]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:Sean Penn|Sean Penn]] story! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, [[w:Christo|Christo's]] latest installa—oh good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a rocket blows up a large white target on a barren hillside.]'' :'''Crow''': We're gonna bomb 'em back to the Jazz Age! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Is your face odd? Misshapen? Join the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. Lyons pulls up to the curb at his new base, his blonde wife in the convertible's passenger seat.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lyons]''': Alright, Dave… why don't ya get outta the wig, and into your uniform? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lyons]''': Honey, just wait in the car until my tour of duty is done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Major Stevens briefs the colonel on newcomer Witkowski's natural flying talent.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Do you know, flying a plane is like making love? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Maj. Stevens]''': Uh, you have to pay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Col. Hunt answers the phone.]'' :'''Col. Hunt''': Colonel Hunt speaking. :'''Wikowski''': Good morning, Colonel Hunt! You're a hard man to find. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hunt]''': Sarah? :'''Col. Hunt''': Who's this? :'''Wikowski''': Well, it's a little difficult to introduce oneself over the phone... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski]''': I sell paneling. :'''Wikowski''': I'm John Wikowski, father of one of the pilots that transferred to your command a couple of weeks ago. :'''Col. Hunt''': ''[suddenly smiling]'' Oh yes, our Lieutenant Wikowski! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And his face springs into action! :'''Col. Hunt''': I do know you by reputation, of course, Congressman. Pleasure to speak with you in person. But I believe your boy is up on a training mission right now, or I'd have him talk to you. :'''Wikowski''': Oh, I merely wanted to introduce myself to you... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Wikowski]''': Perhaps dinner... :'''Wikowski''': We have a bit in common, you see... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Wikowski/[[w:Liberace|Liberace]]]''': My brother George... :'''Wikowski''': You remember flying in the [[w:European Theater of Operations|ETO]] together, 20 years ago? :'''Col. Hunt''': Quite a lot of us pilots were in the ETO together at that time, sir. :'''Wikowski''': Yes, I suppose so. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[to Mike, mishearing]'' They were in [[w:Bachman-Turner Overdrive|BTO]]? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I guess... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]'' :'''Crow''': Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d... :'''Servo''': It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from [[w:Wham-O|Wham-O]]! :'''Mike''': Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb. :''[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.] :'''Crow''': It landed on [[w:Pig-Pen|Pig-Pen]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as a missile is flying towards a rectangular target]'' Welcome to the Rainbow Gathering! Peace is possible in our lifeti-- ''[the missile then blows up the target]'' Oooh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices something inscribed on the side of a plane's cockpit.]'' :'''Mike''': "Lt. Hebe"? Look at that... :'''Servo''': It says "Lift Here". :'''Mike''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[during yet another scene of planes refueling]'' :'''Crow''': You asked for more refueling, and we're giving it to you! :'''Mike''': Yes! I'm at a loss, now we've done promiscuity entendres? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Crow''': Uh, cuddling in the afterglow? :'''Servo''': Check. :'''Mike''': Uh, multiple partner allusions? :'''Servo''': Got it. :'''Crow''': Uh, premature ejeculation innuendo? :'''Servo''': Yup. :'''Mike''': Gas station jokes. :'''Servo''': Been there. :'''Crow''': Impotence. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. :'''Mike''': Uh, one-night stand stuff? :'''Servo'''; It's all covered. :'''Mike''': ''[disappointed]'' Okay, let's just watch then. :'''Servo''': Well, fueling is a beautiful natural thing that's nothing to mock. :'''Mike''': Okay, you're right. :... :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the score]'' Youuu and I, refueled by moonlight! Fuel, like sparkling champaaagne! :'''Mike''': I don't know where you end and I begin! :''[the fueling process ends]'' :'''Crow [as the plane]''': No man, no! You can't cut me off, just 4000 more pounds then I'll quit! I'm so cold... :'''Servo''': Oh, a junkie joke. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Crashed Pilot]''': Oh, it was pretty rough, man, I had to eat a lizard and drink my urine! :'''Servo [as Rescuer]''': You were only here for ten minutes! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': So basically, according to themselves, the Air Force is a bunch of leather-faced, not-so-bright, heavy drinking, dull-witted speed freaks who poop in their pants and can't make it with women, right? :'''Mike''': Um... :'''Servo''': Am I right? :'''Mike''': Yeah. That is correct. === [[w:The Sinister Urge (film)|The Sinister Urge]] === :'''Crow''': ''[to Gypsy]'' We're giving you a shower! :'''Gypsy''': ''[surprised]'' Huh!? :'''Servo''': Oh look, she's surprised, isn't that just darling? :'''Gypsy''': ''[flustered]'' Well, I'm not getting married and... am I pregnant!? :'''Crow''': Oh Gypsy, every woman gets a shower and it's just so lovely! :'''Gypsy''': Well, I'm ''pretty sure'' I'm a woman. :'''Crow''': Open that one first, Mike, it's from me! Doesn't she look lovely? :'''Mike''': It's... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Thank you, how very thoughtful, and lovely! :'''Servo''': Oh, those are just darling, Crow! OK, this is from me... :'''Mike''': And it is... pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Oh! :'''Crow''': Just like mine! How darling and lovely! :'''Servo''': Well yeah, Gypsy! I saw that Crow got you the same thing, and that gave me the idea! ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK, this one is from Cambot, and it is pinking shears! :'''Gypsy''': Oh! Better get pinking! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Mike''': OK though, Tom and Crow went on one more... :'''Gypsy''': Oh let me guess, let me guess... Pinking shears? :'''Mike''': Nope... :'''Gypsy''': Oh... . :'''Mike''': Oh I guess it is! Pinking shears! ''[Gypsy laughs]'' :'''Crow''': Well Tom saw them and I had to agree! :'''Servo''': How lovely and darling! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It's from Frank! Listen to this: ''[reads letter]'' "Dear Gypsy, how are you? I'm fine. I'm going to bomb the living bejesus out of Deep 13. Well, it looks like I'm out of room. Best wishes, Frank." ''[realizes the threat]'' '''OH MY GOD! MIKE! TOM! CROW! WE GOT TO STOP HIM!''' ''[goes back to the letter]'' "P.S. Hope you like the pinking shears." <hr width="50%"/> :'''TV's Frank''': I must say, doctor, you are a real piece of work. :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[tied up and strapped with explosives]'' Frank, it you don't cut it out, I'm gonna kill you! :'''TV's Frank''': No, Dr. Forrester... it is ''you'' who are going to kill ''me.'' ''[evil laugh]'' YOU'RESTUCKHERE. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, if Frank goes through with his plan, that means no more mad scientists! :'''Servo''': Which means no more evil experiments! :'''Mike''': Which means no more Deep 13! :'''Crow''': Which means no way can we ever, ever get down to Earth! :'''Servo''': Which eventually means no more Satellite of Love! :'''Mike''': Which means no more... ''[they finally realize what would happen and faint from shock]'' :'''Crow''': ...We've got to help Dr. Forrester save Deep 13! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': We just got to find a way to stop Frank, but how? :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's the sixty-four dollar question... wait! I've got an idea! A door-to-door search! Gypsy, can you give me a schematic of the whole city? :'''Gypsy''': You want the suburbs too? :'''Crow''': All the way to the sticks! I want to see barns and cows and roosters! :'''Gypsy''': There goes my vacation! :'''Crow''': Thanks, doll-face! ''[tries to kiss Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Get out of here, you lug! :'''Servo''': All right, all right, all right! Hold everything! Ha ha! Got the report back from the lab, and guess whose fingerprints are all over the ransom notes? :'''Mike''': Uh, probably Frank's. He signed it. :'''Servo''': Oh, that's right I guess... :'''Mike''': This is a dead end, a blank wall, an empty check! :'''Gypsy''': It's no piece of cake, that's for sure! :'''Mike''': Wait!, Hold it Gypsy, say that again... :'''Gypsy''': I said, "It is no piece of cake!" :'''Mike''': Potato cakes! That's it! :'''Crow''': Potato cakes? :'''Mike''': Remind me to buy you a new hat next payday sweetheart! ''[hugs and kisses Gypsy]'' :'''Gypsy''': Wow...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': It just doesn't make any sense, Mike! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': Oh boy, I wonder if Forrester's planning on killing Frank! ==== Keeping Clean and Neat (short) ==== :''[Young Don's clothes are all in a pile on his bedroom floor.]'' :'''Narrator''': Uh-oh! That's no way to treat your clothes! :'''Mike [as Don]''': But that's how they treat me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mildred's clothes are strewn all across her room.]'' :'''Narrator''': Oh Mildred, look at your clothes! Why, that's as bad as Don was! :'''Servo''': [[w:Don Was|Don Was]]? The producer? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the behest of the narrator, little Mildred puts away her clothes at high speed.]'' :'''Servo [as Henry Higgins]''': [[My Fair Lady|Why can't a woman be more like a man?]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In the '50s, people responded well to authoritative disembodied voices. :'''Crow''': The fun never stops when you're clean and tidy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator instructs Mildred on brushing her hair.]'' :'''Narrator''': Brush, and brush, and brush—at least 100 strokes. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ''Just keep brushing and brushing and saying the name of our Lord and Savior!'' ==== The Sinister Urge (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with a woman, wearing only a bra and slip, running frantically down a road.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She must be one of [[w:Bob Packwood|Senator Packwood]]'s aides. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police car changes its model during a scene transition]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the car turned from a Ford into a Plymouth! :'''Crow''': That'll happen... <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Romaine''': I read in the morning paper that the police department have assigned a special detail to clear up this silly dirty picture business. As a taxpayer, I ''demand''... ''[begins hitting his palm with his fist]'' :'''Crow''': Ow! Ow ow ow! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Put those men on important crimes like robberies and murders, and those gangs of young hoodlums that roam the street. Things that'll protect an honest citizen like myself. Spending all that money on such silly things, as a few girly pictures that never hurt anyone. :'''Lt. Carson''': "Never hurt anyone?!" For your information, Mr. Taxpayer, the dirty picture racket can be directly connected to a good percentage of the major crimes in this city! :'''Mr. Romaine''': Just how? :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Well, very indirectly. :'''Lt. Carson''': It would take a psychiatrist to explain it to you, but I can tell you that we've got three murders on our hands. Three young girls who posed for such pictures! Found in the park. Tortured! Mutilated! Murdered! Here! ''[shows pictures]'' :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Uh, here's murdered, here's tortured, where's mutilated? There it is... :'''Lt. Carson''': Some characters will steal or kill just to get their hands on this stuff. It's worse than dope for them! Mr. Taxpayer, the smut picture racket is worse than kidnapping, or dope peddling... :'''Crow''': No it isn't! :'''Lt. Carson''': ... Show me a crime, and I can show you a picture that could have caused it. Have I made myself clear? :'''Mike [as Romaine]''': It's a vague connection, I admit, but... :'''Lt. Carson''': Do you have a daughter, Mr. Romaine? :'''Crow [as Carson]''': Would ''she'' be interested in the smut picture racket? :''[Romaine slowly gets up and walks silently to the door]'' :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Uhhhhh... :'''Mike [as Carson]''': Would you like to choose a different category, sir? :'''Servo [as Romaine]''': Hmmmmm.... daughter...uh, daughter... is a daughter the thing with the wheel and- oh forget it, I'm thinking of a bike. Let me call my wife. Daughter, you say? Daughter... huh... :'''Mr. Romaine''': Yes... I have ''two'' daughters... ''[leaves looking incredibly somber]'' :'''Crow [as Romaine]''': And a puppy. :'''Servo''': At least I ''think'' they're daughters. Hope I'm thinking of the right thing- let me get back to you on that. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gloria and Johnny talk about the ramifications of the recent police raid on her smut picture business, and their plans moving forward]'' :'''Crow''': I'm learning a ''lot'' about porn! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gloria enters the room after leaving briefly in the same scene]'' :'''Mike [as Gloria]''': The was a ''good'' crap! === [[w:San Francisco International Airport (TV series)|San Fransisco International]] === :''[Mike and the Bots enter the theater. The logo for Universal Studios Productions, similar to the movie studio's logo at the time, is seen over a drum fanfare.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, watch out for Mountain Sized Meteor Park. :''[The logo fades.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, big friggin' deal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title ''San Francisco International'' appears on-screen.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' San Francisco International Airport! Where the big [[w:B-actor|b-actors]] roar! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A jetliner makes an emergency landing safely.]'' :'''Servo''': ''Terror'' at... uh, sea level. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So convenient to have a Hostage Inn right near the airport. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Katie Barrett]''': Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned: I have rubbed Pernell's toupee all over my naked body! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An man with a gun, disguised as a priest, appears onscreen]'' :'''Mike''': There's a ''New'' Testament in town! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Davey the obnoxious teenager has just landed after stealing a light plane, talked down by Pernell Roberts.]'' :'''Crow [as Pernell]''': Davey, let me introduce you to these federal agents. They are what you young people call "bad asses." === [[w:Kitten with a Whip|Kitten with a Whip]] === :''[David comes home to find his TV is on and his living room is a mess; the sounds of a [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] cartoon blare from the TV.] :'''Mike''': [[w:Carl Stalling|Carl Stalling]]'s in his house! :''[Angle on the TV reveals that it's the [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]] cartoon ''[[w:Canned Feud|Canned Feud]]''.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, something ''good!'' :'''Servo''': All right! :. . . :'''Mike [as David]''': Oh, that's right, I rented the spare room to [[w:Elmer Fudd|Elmer Fudd]]. === [[w:Racket Girls|Racket Girls]] === ==== Are You Ready for Marriage? (short) ==== :''[The screen shows: "Are You Ready for Marriage?"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Um… yeah, I'm sick of sex, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Hall brings out the "marriage board".]'' :'''Crow''': Bobby Orr's Electric Marriage! Real Marriage Action! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Establishing shot of the institutional-looking church]'' :'''Servo''': Visit your government church! :'''Mike''': First Federal Church, member [[w:Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation|FDIC]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marriage counselor Mr. Hall uses two wooden dolls and a large rubber band to discuss the strain of relationships with teenagers Larry and Sue.]'' :'''Hall''': When you two first met, there was probably an early physical reaction... :'''Servo [as Larry]''': Oh ''yeah!'' :'''Hall''': ...A romantic attraction that pulled you together, a love appeal that hits you sort of...''boing!'' :'''Mike [as Larry]''': You saw my boing? :'''Larry''': How did you know? :'''Hall''': Well, it happened to me. It happens to some degree to most couples who become happily married. But it takes more than just "boing". :'''Crow [as Hall]''': Sometimes there's a "shplurt"! :'''Hall''': For you see, if you're too far apart psychologically… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hall]''': …if one of you is ''cuckoo''… :''[Hall gestures to the distance between the dolls, then stretches out the rubber band again…]'' :'''Hall''': …if your backgrounds are not similar enough, it can cause a great deal of argument and unhappiness, until… :''[…and suddenly snaps the rubber band, which flies off.]'' :'''Larry''': It's gone! :'''Sue''': Where'd it go?! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Larry]''': ''We're gonna die!'' :'''Hall''': That's what you'll be saying about your romantic love, if these other things cause a breakup. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Larry]''': ''BUT WHERE'S THE RUBBER BAND?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sue stares thoughtfully into the middle distance as Mr. Hall talks]'' :'''Crow''':''[distantly, as if in a flashback, while Servo and Mike mimick gunfire and explosions]'' [[w:Aliens (film)|MARINES, WE ARE ''LEAVING''!]] :''[Sue suddenly snaps out of her reverie]'' :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Sorry, back in [[w:Da Nang|Da Nang]] there for a minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]'' :'''Sue''': Do we have similar backgrounds? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': Do we have any priors? :'''Sue''': Do we agree on our religious beliefs... :'''Crow [as Sue]''': I worship [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]]! :'''Sue''': ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general? :'''Servo [as Sue]''': You know, God and stuff. :'''Sue''': Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes? :'''Mike [as Sue]''': [[w:Bella Donna (album)|So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.]] ==== Racket Girls (movie) ==== :''[The film opens with women wrestling to the sound of foley-added screaming.]'' :'''Crow''': Is there a midway nearby? : . . . :'''Mike''': Hey, it's that one woman in the front row making all the noise! :'''Crow [as usher]''': Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to settle down. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up shot of two main characters watching the action.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, another sellout crowd. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scalli''': Hey, Joe! :'''Servo [as Scalli]''': [[w:Hey Joe|Where you going with that gun in your hand?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Peaches works out on a rowing machine, continually thrusting her huge breasts into the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[nervously]'' I'm being turned on by a woman who is long dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Five minutes before the movie ends, music finally appears on the soundtrack]'' :'''Crow''': ''Music?!'' Why ''here?'' Why now? '''''WHY US?!''''' === [[w:Ilya Muromets (film)|The Sword and the Dragon]] === :'''Gypsy''': ''[leaving while being too weirded out by Mike and the Bots reenactment of the forest tablecloth scene]'' ...You guys are so weird! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the bots put on a satirical political song and dance number]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing while holding a prop gun]'' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I get shot at every day...''''' : '''''I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm the Crime Bill; bang bang! I'm opposed by the NRA- bang bang!''''' ''[pretends to be shot and "dies"]'' ==== The Sword and the Dragon ==== :''[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]'' :'''Mike [as Ilya]''': Man, she's a fox. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see a large banquet taking place]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as man]''': It might just be the wine, Lars, but you're a ''pretty'' man... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as man]''': Sven, no! You mustn't! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vilya presents her magic tablecloth to Ilya, who is quite pleased.]'' :'''Ilya''': Now you must rest from your labors, my busy little wife. :'''Servo [as Ilya]''': Let us the nasty do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans slowly over a recent battlefield, the bodies being pecked by carrion birds]'' :'''Crow''': ''Crows!'' My brethren! See what a grand and noble creature they are? :'''Servo''': ''[doubtfully]'' Uh huh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Little Falcon stares into Ilya's ring, seeing himself as a child with his mother.]'' :'''Little Falcon''': It is as though in a vision... I see my mother! :''[He turns to face Ilya]'' :'''Crow [as Little Falcon]''': Mom! === [[w:High School Big Shot|High School Big Shot]] === ==== Out of This World (short) ==== :''[In an ethereal office space, devilish Red and angelic Whitey make a wager on Joe, a bread salesman.]'' :'''Mike''': They're operating under a different theology. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Red is explaining the details of his plan]'' :'''Red''': Say a young woman goes down there and berates the way he does business...? :'''Crow [as Red]''': Say I'm starring in ''[[w:Forever Plaid|Forever Plaid]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Whitey is talking to Bill Dudley, but music covers what she's saying.]'' :'''Mike [as Whitey]''': So then Mabel said to me "well, why'd you wear those earrings?" and then we went to Nine West but we couldn't find anything we wanted cause I have really wide feet, but sometimes I can find stuff at Payless, anyhoo, Cindy told me that Victoria's Secret was just around the corner, and she said that they're having a sale, and she knows I'm really broke right now, so I confronted her, and, well... <hr width="50%"> :''[after a disguised Whitey demeans Bill Dudley's bread delivery job, he sets out to change her mind]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': First of all, take a look. ''[holds up bread]'' A loaf of bread. :'''Crow [as Dudley]''': ''Eat every piece!'' :. . . :'''Whitey''': Are you by any chance trying to say that you think this business of yours is important? :'''Dudley''': That's exactly the way I feel about it. :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': ''[miserably]'' I have to. It's all I've got! <hr width="50%"> :''[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]'' :'''Bill Dudley''': Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different. :'''Servo [as Dudley]''': Watch me come on to a grocer. :. . . :''[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]'' :'''Dudley''': Hey, something new! ''[pushes cart experimentally]'' :'''Mike [as Dudley]''': Be a shame if this ran over your kid... <hr width="50%"> :'''Bill Dudley''': You see, I want every grocer on my route thinking... :''[cut to a montage of grocers]'' :'''Mike [as grocer]''': What a moron. :'''Grocer voiceover''': That Bill Dudley is OK. Never slams doors. Always seems friendly, always got a smile. :'''Servo [as grocer]''': What's he on? :'''Voiceover''': Always interested in my store, treats my place with respect. :'''Crow [as grocer]''': What does he want from me? :'''Voiceover''': Never slams his trays around, or makes a nuisance of himself. :'''Servo [as Grocer]''': Why can't he leave me alone? :'''Voiceover''': I like to do business with salesmen like that. :'''Mike [as Grocer]''': But his bread sucks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' The two most important things a bread salesman needs is this ''[taps head]'' and this. ''[taps inventory book]'' :'''Crow''': A hat and a pad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bill Dudley''': ''[explaining his work philosophy]'' That's why I keep these bullseyes handy, so that a small slip-up doesn't turn into a big trip-up. :'''Mike''': Make sure you stock your truck up, so that you don't... well, you know... ==== High School Big Shot (movie) ==== :''[The movie opens with a close-up of Marv speaking to someone off-screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Is this the screen test? :. . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He has a haunting ugliness. :. . . :'''Servo''': Is this a [[w: Andy Warhol|Warhol]] film? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the opening title]'' :'''Mike''': The Potsie story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Teacher Mr. Carter is discussing "Hamlet"]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': At this point, Hamlet picks up the skull of Yorick and delivers a famous speech. Now, to whom was this speech delivered? :'''Crow [as student]''': Uh, Richard Dawson. :'''Mike [as student]''': Fred Sanford? :'''Servo [as student]''': Uh, Larry Hovis. :''[Mr. Carter notices Vince flirting with Betty]'' :'''Mr. Carter''': Vince, would you mind answering the question, please? :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Look at your mouth, you got such a funny little... :'''Mr. Carter''': VINCE! :'''Crow [as Vince]''': Uh, nipples. :'''Servo''': I'm more held by the question of Hamlet's madness, sir. :'''Vince''': I'm sorry, Mr. Carter. Would you repeat the question, please? :'''Mr. Carter''': To whom was Hamlet's favorite graveside speech delivered? :'''Vince''': I don't know, man. I didn't catch the name and address on the envelope. ''[the class laughs]'' :'''Crow [as Mr. Carter]''': Mr. Malph, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. Carter is talking to Marv after class.]' :'''Mr. Carter''': Have you given any more thought to college? The term's gonna be over in a week, you know. :'''Servo [as Mr. Carter]''': You're 28. You should graduate. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cash-strapped Marv and his father are both getting ready for their dates.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, maybe if they sold off one of those Tiffany lamps, then... :'''Marv's Dad''': Oh, by the way, I think I'm gonna have a job next week. :'''Marv''': Really? :'''Marv's Dad''': Yup. I met a guy today who's sure he can put me on full time. :'''Mike [as Marv's Dad]''': Yup. I'm going to sell my plasma door to door. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marv and Betty are on their date, walking the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Betty]''': So, are we going to walk the alleys all night? :'''Marv''': I'm sorry, Betty, honest. :'''Betty''': Oh, that's okay. At least it was a good movie. :'''Servo [as Betty]''': I've never walked to a drive-in before. :'''Marv''' It's just that I, well, I had to give some money to Pop-- :'''Betty''': Oh, just forget it. I'm having a lovely time. :'''Marv''': Betty. :'''Mike [as Marv]''': Can I sniff your bra? :'''Marv''': I've got almost a dollar left. Would you like to have a Coke? :'''Betty''': I'd love it. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Thanks a lot, [[w:Adnan Khashoggi|Adnan Khashoggi.]] :''[Cut to a diner.]'' :'''Mike''': Tonight only: Cokes, a dollar ten. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vince confronts Betty, who just got Marv to write her term paper.]'' :'''Betty''': Oh, Vince. :'''Crow [as Betty]''': Will you write a paper for me? :'''Vince''': What's with you? ''[brief pause]'' :'''Mike''': Rebooting. :'''Betty''': With me and Marv? :'''Servo [as Vince]''': Come on, I can't hold this face much longer! :'''Betty''': Oh, you can't be serious. :'''Vince''': Look, you were with him. You went out with him instead of me! :'''Crow [as Betty]''': He had three dollars! :'''Betty''': But, honey, I just wanted him to write my term paper. :'''Mike [as Vince]''': Would he write mine if I kissed him? : . . . :'''Mike [as Betty]''': Now would you write my shop project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': All this because of a strict English teacher. === [[w:Red Zone Cuba|Red Zone Cuba]] === :''[Frank owes a hefty sum of money to the mob, and is about to convince Dr. Forrester to go out and face them in his stead]'' :'''Frank''': Clay, there's a, uh- Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano here to see you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Huh? Joey "Skinny Legs" Tagliano? Did I go to high school with him? I bet that's what it is; I went to high school with him. ''[steps into the hallway]'' Joe? Hello? :''[Forrester gets pulled aside and in silhouette is being beaten up by the mob, while Frank grimaces]'' :'''Frank''': Gee, I- I feel kinda bad about this. I must admit I feel partly responsible, sorta. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots are dressed in formal tuxedos shortly before Movie Sign for some gambling]'' :'''Magic Voice''': Attention; the buffet is now being served. :'''Mike, Crow''' and '''Servo''': ''[at the same time as Movie Sign blares]'' The buffet?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[depressed sigh]'' You know, aside from the fact that I'll never again experience joy in my life, I don't think Red Zone Cuba had any kind of negative effect on me... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Yeah, even being Carol Channing didn't shield me from the effect of this one... :'''Servo''': Well, hey! I know what we can do to cheer ourselves up! Let's sing us a bouncy, upbeat song! Okay!? :'''Crow''': That's a great idea! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Okay! :'''Servo''': Hit it, Cambot! ''[singing]'' Whenever I want to cry and bawl, Because I'm feeling sad, I think of ironing boards and drywall, And then I don't feel so bad! :'''Crow''': Whenever I'm feeling down and blue And sorry for myself I get some staples and some glue And I'm happy as an elf! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' Whenever I start to mope and pout And there's nothing left in my soul I check the toilet paper and if we're out I buy another roll! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Have you ever touched a Post-it Note? Have you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you ever used a paper clip? :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' So if you listen to our advice, :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' And you wanna feel terrific! :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Do things that make you feel nice, :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ''[singing]'' I wish we could be more specific! ==== Speech: Platform Posture and Appearance (short) ==== :'''Narrator''': The ear is the human organ the public speaker is most likely to try to impress as he makes a speech. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': …after the human nipple. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Now, just suppose you were a beautiful doll with rosy cheeks and big blue eyes... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': ...Okay... :'''Narrator''': ...a doll that never talked. :'''Mike''': ''[nervously]'' Just do what he says... :'''Narrator''': Or a tree, that basked in the warm sunshine and rustled in the breeze: a tree that never spoke. :'''Servo''': Now you're a can opener! Metal and shiny and taciturn! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator is describing appropriate clothing while a shady-looking man dresses.]'' :'''Narrator''': Be sure to wear a clean shirt... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Be sure to get a brand-new ''chin''. :'''Narrator''': ...and your favorite tie. :'''Servo''': Now you're ready to [[w:The Godfather (film)|rub out Sonny Corleone]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as person slouching while making a speech]'' Women be different than men! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A person does the "knee test," where he puts his palms on his knees and swivels them]'' :'''Narrator''': ...You will look poised and dignified. :'''Mike''': Uh, no you won't. :. . . :'''Crow''': Don't do this ''during'' the speech. ==== Red Zone Cuba (movie) ==== :''[A train conductor appears, looking very old and decrepit. Mike realizes that the actor portraying him is...]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': [[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Was he ''always'' a hundred years old? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young journalist Jim Benton is talking to train conductor Wilson ([[w:John Carradine|John Carradine]]).]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Kid looks like a reporter from the ''Catholic Digest''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of John Carradine smoking a cigarette...]'' :'''Servo''': ''[deep voice]'' John Carradine for [[w:Viceroy (cigarette)|Viceroy.]] :''[Close-up of young Jim smoking...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[lisping]'' [[w:Sal Mineo|Sal Mineo]] for Viceroy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy-set, stubble-haired Coleman Francis appears running from cops, identified by credits as the star]'' :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Coleman Francis is Curly Howard, in ''The Fugitive!'' :'''Servo [as Curly Howard]''': Hey, Moe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A truck heads down the highway with convict runaway Griffin stowed away in the back.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing to the Eagles' "Take It Easy"]'' :: Runnin' down the road, tryin' to loosen my load :: I got Coleman Francis on my mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[While "Cherokee Jack" flies over some snow covered mountains...]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, I see some [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer players]] down there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Standing before a crude map, "Lieutenant" Joe addresses his extremely tiny Cuba invasion force.]'' :'''Joe''': Men, we're shoving off right after sundown... :'''Crow, Servo [as Men]''': You shove off! :'''Joe''': …and I want to give you some idea of what to expect. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': There's 80,000 of them, and seven of us. :'''Joe''': At 12 o'clock midnight, we hit the beach. At 12:30 a patrol boat makes its nightly run. We have 30 minutes to scale 80 foot cliffs and clear the beach. :'''Servo [as Joe]''': Ted, you take Havana. : . . . :'''Joe''': We have a man in Cuba that will throw ropes over the cliff at 12 midnight. :'''Mike [as Joe]''': At 12:15 we're captured! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Griffin (played by [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]]) and the rest of the Cuban invasion force are captured by Castro's forces.]'' :'''Mike [as Cuban Soldier]''': The Yankees will pay highly for you, Se&ntilde;or Francis. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the owner of a secluded diner]'' I am the Dark Specter of Food. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Griffin is beating on Landis at a trainyard, the scene suddenly changes to an auto shop exterior, even while the fight music continues.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah! I think my ''neck'' got broken in that jump cut! :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' I see the movie has finally thrown up its hands and said "''I just don't know!''" :'''Crow''': I want to hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt ''me''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The antiheroes make some purchases at a seedy-looking mom-and-pop store while some inappropriately cheerful music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Store Clerk]''': Would you like a video? We have some super-violent, Asian, triple-X cartoons! ... :'''Mike''': ''[as store clerk while the trio leaves]'' Thanks for not killing me; right neighborly of ya! === [[w:Danger!! Death Ray|Danger!! Death Ray]] === :''[Our heroes discuss the film's title.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, I'm glad they said "Danger!", or I might have thought it was just a normal death ray. :'''Mike''': There's a dangerous death ray situation on outbound [[w:Interstate 94|94]], you might want to take an alternate route. :. . . :''[The movie's theme song is a catchy jazz number accompanied by "ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" scat-sung vocals]'' :'''Mike''': What do they mean by "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da"? Is it protest? :'''Crow''': It was originally titled "La-la-la-la-la-la" - ''big'' creative dispute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': What country is this taking place in? :'''Mike''': Europe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a group of men walking down a hallway]'' :'''Mike''': They really have captured the grandeur of white guys walking in herds. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of man watching security cameras in a control booth]'' :'''Crow''': (in a snooty British accent) You're watching Brian Television: All Brian, all the time. :''[On the rightmost monitor, we see the group of men walking into vision]'' :'''Mike''': In an underground bunker, the Major League owners plot strategies. :'''Servo [as watcher]''': Why can't I get the ''Red Shoe Diaries''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to an obvious toy submarine surfacing within a pool of water.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The Tidy Bowl Man is doing all right for himself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': They're coming up for more baking soda. :''[Crow begins snickering.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, the ocean's beautiful in this part of the tub. :''[Crow snickers again.]'' :'''Servo''': This set is at least three box tops. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[recovering his composure]'' Special effects by... Billy! : . . . :''[The radar operator climbs a ladder toward a hatch.]'' :'''Mike''': Don't go up there! You'll become a toy! : . . . :''[The men from the helicopter have climbed down into the submarine.]'' :'''Sub Captain''': Okay. We can dive. :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Billy's out of the tub. We can dive now. :'''Crow [as Captain]''': Head towards the drain. :''[Shot in slow motion, the sub pulls away and the toy helicopter "falls" off into the water.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Das Boot|Das Toy Boat]]! :'''Servo [as Captain]''': Uhp, did somebody tie on the helicopter? :'''Crow''': Oop! Eh... This must be a massive organization to be able to throw away a $1.50 helicopter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo attacks one of the evil henchmen and grabs him by the throat.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You're the one who knows everything... :'''Mike [as Fargo]''': Who's God? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]'' :'''Henchman''': We're looking for a man. :'''Mike [as Henchman]''': Are you him? :'''Lucille''': My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one. :'''Servo [as Henchman]''': I think you know what I ''meant''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo foils an assassination attempt by Scarface, who was disguised as a concierge.]'' :'''Bart Fargo''': You know, Scarface, that was a very silly get-up. It didn't suit you. And your imitation of a waiter was very funny. "Your breakfast, señor..." You should have changed your voice too. :''[Bart opens a balcony window and chuckles. Scarface lunges at Bart, but misses and dives out the window, screaming.]'' :'''Servo''': Olé! :''[Crow giggles.]'' :'''Mike [as Bart]''': And the way you dove out the window was just terrible! :''[Scarface lands on the pavement with a thump.]'' :'''Servo [as Bart]''': Ooh, sorry, ma'am. :'''Bart Fargo''': That's too bad. :'''Crow''': Oh, come on! What about "he really ''fell'' for me"? Or "his hopes have been ''crushed''"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo's car skids off the road, over a cliff, and into the sea; however, the effect is clearly achieved by someone simply rolling a toy car off a rock into the water.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Hot Wheels|Hot Wheels]]! :'''Crow''': Some little boy is going to be ''very'' upset. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bart Fargo repeatedly slaps an assassin in the face.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Assassin/Mulwray]''': [[Chinatown (film)#sister-daughter|My sister! My daughter! My sister! My daughter!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baccarat game is in progress.]'' :'''Croupier''': Mesdames et Messieurs, banque $10,000. :'''Crow [as Player]''': It'd better be a damn good bonk. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Bart Fargo's partner is gunned down, the movie's catchy, upbeat "Ba-pa-da-pa-da-da" theme music starts up again.]'' :'''Servo''': This isn't appropriate right now, his friend is dying over there! :''[beat]'' :'''Servo''': But it's nice. :'''Mike''': It is nice, yeah. :''[Crow laughs.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo IS... [[w:Hard To Kill|''Hard to—'' watch]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Bart Fargo. ''Bartfargobartfargobartfargobartfargo...'' Heh, that's hard! === [[w:The Beast of Yucca Flats|The Beast of Yucca Flats]] === :'''Gypsy''': Huh?... ''[sees the new wallpaper]'' OH, MY GOD! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! ''[Leaves]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Sometimes, a new look takes a little getting used to. ==== Money Talks! (short) ==== :''[William looks at a [[w:Franklin half dollar|Franklin half-dollar]] he's holding.]'' :'''William''': Fifty cents. Half a dollar. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': In those days, that'd buy you a car. :'''William''': Benjamin Franklin, eh? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as William]''': Bite me, Franklin! :'''William''': He was supposed to be a pretty smart fellow when it came to money. I suppose he could've told me how to keep out of the red. :'''Crow [as William]''': He was the best President we ever had. {{hnote|Benjamin Franklin, although a Founding Father, was never President.}} : . . . :''[Ben Franklin's silhouette appears in the mirror.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]]! {{hnote|Director Alfred Hitchcock's trademark image was a stylized silhouette of his ample girth.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Franklin''': You receive two dollars every week as an allowance from your father… :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Franklin]''': …James Joyce. :'''Ben Franklin''': …something quite unheard of in my day. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fathers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Closing shot of Franklin's image on a half-dollar] :'''Mike''': Benjamin Franklin was tried in the [[w:United States Court of Appeals for the Eighth Circuit|Eighth circuit court]] on [[w:stalking|stalking]] charges; in a minute, the results of that trial. {{hnote|A reference to the famous ending of Dragnet}} ==== [[w:Progress Island U.S.A.|Progress Island U.S.A.]] (short) ==== :''[The short opens with scenes quickly flashing on screen.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, I'm having a freak-out up to ten years later! <hr width=50%> :'''Narrator''': An American Democracy... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Would be really great. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Year-round sun makes this island a vacation paradise. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': And very hard to sleep! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Building into the clear-blue sky, the island is on the move. :'''Mike''': Hawaii? :'''Crow''': No, an ''island!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of a school are shown.]'' :'''Narrator''': Bilingual schools. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Bisexual students. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's title is first mentioned by the narrator over the main theme.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh. When did they change the name? :'''Servo''': A Quinn Martin production. :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[as the music ends]'' PUERTO RICO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A land the size of Rhode Island, it is just as American in its way of life. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': So you might as well just stay where you are. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a Burger King...]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, indigenous cuisine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over quick shots]'' :'''Mike''': With this, and this, and ''that!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cash being given to an anonymous hand]'' :'''Crow''': Here, money is exchanged for coconuts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Students are shown at college.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Latka Gravas|Latka Gravas]] goes to class. :'''Crow [as Latka]''': Thank you veddy much. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': It's ''[[w:Room 222|Room Dos-Dos-Dos]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of an airplane landing, in the midst of a soundtrack that consists mostly of blaring horns...]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Here, we're flying in another trumpet section. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the next piece of background music]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, let's get funky now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For the visitor, Progress Island offers a tremendous variety of experiences, beginning with the rich and colorful heritage of the Caribbean. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...which we buried in order to build skyscrapers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': Look, just come here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Another piece of background music ends.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': PROGRESS! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we watch traditional Puerto Rican folk dancing...]'' :'''Crow''': Valerie Harper look-a-like contests are held. :'''Mike''': Yes, no matter what the culture, folk dancing is stupid. :'''Servo''': Here, [[w:Up With People|Up With People]] get down. :''[The dancers wave one arm back and forth while dancing in a circle]'' :''Mike [singing]'': [[w:Achy Breaky Heart|Don't tell my heart, my achy breaky heart]]] . . . <hr width="50%"/> :''[A piece of background music ends over a shot of a roulette game in progress.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': GAMBLING! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Condominiums, leisure villages, and a complete range of outdoor activities make Progress Island an ideal place to live for every member of the family. :'''Servo''': Except Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandpa, Grandma... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a normal piece of music is heard, a better piece of background music begins to play.]'' :'''Crow''': Hit me! :'''Narrator''': A band concert under warm, tropical skies. :'''Crow''': The music of [[w:John Phillips Sousa|John Phillips Salsa]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': It has formed a continuing pattern of progress that started more of a quarter of a century ago. :''[The background music ends, and we fade to another scene.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': A CENTURY AGO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over shots of tropical flowers.]'' :'''Narrator''': Hibiscus and bougainvillea flourish throughout the year. :'''Mike''': As do puppincolakaplookey and flingulahlaylahflinglulalah. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of cows grazing.]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Here are some moo cows. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The largest crop is sugar cane, which has been cultivated here for centuries. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': ...so you can sugar-frost your damn cornflakes! Filthy American pigs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the narrator talks about Puerto Rico's most famous export, rum, we see workers at a bottling plant.]'' :'''Servo [as worker, drunkenly]''': I love this job! :'''Narrator''': Almost all of the rum sold in the U.S. is produced here, and its export is vital to the economy. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So, drink rum constantly. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of front of [[w:Digital Equipment Corporation|Digital]] building, with a flying saucer-like in the foreground.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Why, even aliens from Mars are here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shots of Puerto Ricans working on electronic equipment.]'' :'''Narrator''': A skilled workforce makes Puerto Rico the largest manufacturer of many computers, and a leader in solid-state technology. :''[Focus on an old-fashioned computer.]'' :'''Mike''': Things with blinky buttony-type things. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The segment on features an explosion, followed by more shots.]'' :'''Crow''': Then KISS came to town! :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We don't know what this is, folks, but it's definitely Puerto Rico stuff. :. . . :''[We see record players being made.]'' :'''Mike''': These'll never go out of style. :'''Crow''': Comes complete with a Peter Frampton album. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short ends with the shots seen in the opening again.]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, we'll move there! :'''Servo''': Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? Can you dig it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the short's closing screen]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': We would like to apologize to all the people of Puerto Rico that we did ''not'' offend. ==== The Beast of Yucca Flats (movie) ==== :''[The opening credits roll over footage of a beaten-down shack in the middle of the desert.]'' :'''Mike''': Get off my land, you credits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits reveal the film's "special guest star", [[w:Tor Johnson|Tor Johnson]] as the titular beast.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. Huh, I figured Tor Johnson would play The Butler. :'''Mike''': Tor Johnson as The Beast, that's just smart casting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a chase scene.]'' :'''Servo''': Beautiful, just beautiful. ... Off-camera excitement the [[w:Coleman Francis|Coleman Francis]] way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Kenneth Branagh's Mary Shelley's Bram Stoker's Wes Craven's Tim Burton's ''Beast of Yucca Flats''. A Francis Ford Coppola film. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Flag on the moon. How'd it get there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': These are all just random sentences, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Touch a button, things happen. :'''Mike''': ...Uh, sometimes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Rootie patootie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A woman's purse... a man murdered... and footprints on the wasteland. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': His limericks aren't very good... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Vacation time. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': So... goodbye. :'''Narrator''': People travel east, west... north or south. :'''Servo''': And some people just burrow straight down, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the mountain...]'' :'''Narrator''': To get to the top... a man needs an airplane. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Or a giant pogo stick. :'''Narrator''': Jump from a plane, land at the top. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or a helicopter would do. Did I say "Flag on the moon" yet? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Jaworski, [[w:Ron Jaworski|Ron Jaworski]]. Played quarterback for the Eagles. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is chased by a light plane.]'' :'''Servo''': Ahh, bit of a ''ripoff?'' :'''Mike''': Coleman steals from [[w:North by Northwest|''only'' the best!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': A man murdered, a woman's purse. :'''Servo''': A thin plot, endlessly restated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': [[w:Eleanor Rigby|Father Mackenzie, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Now would be a good time for some phrases... A woman's purse. Flag on the moon. A man murdered. ...I'll check back in a moment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of a car driving through the desert]'' :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': The beast put a hundred down and bought an old Studebaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Beast]''': Why, ''why'' can't I get a baked potato before five in this town? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The beast, finding his victims gone, unleashes his fury. :'''Mike [as the Beast]''': Ah, fudge! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Joseph Javorsky. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Aren't you ashamed of yourself? :'''Narrator''': Noted scientist. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Family man, and your candidate for city council! :''[Several more seconds go by; it is apparent that the narrator has no follow-up.]'' :'''Mike''': So? What ''about'' him?! === [[w:Angels Revenge|Angels Revenge]] === :''[During a campy scene, the "Angels" discuss an attack on an illicit drug facility.]'' :'''Michelle''': We voted before, we'll vote now. Thumbs up, we attack. Down, we get outta here. :''[Terry sticks her thumb up.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Terry]''': Hey, look! It evolved last night! It's opposable now! :''[Everyone sticks their thumbs out, up.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Maria]''': Hah-hah! It's anonymous! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I don't have any lines. :'''Crow:''' But you get to wear slinky dresses and carry guns and stuff! :'''Gypsy:''' Not this sister! ''[Leaves]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy:''' I feel so insignificant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' fight sequences are accompanied by cartoonish boinks and bops.]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, sound by [[w:Hanna-Barbera|Hanna-Barbera]], fine. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow:''' That's it. I'm just givin' in and lookin' at the breasts! :'''Mike:''' No, don't... <hr width="50%"/> :''[In one host segment, Crow convinces the others to dress in [[w:Blaxploitation|Blaxploitation]]-esque outfits.]'' :'''Crow''': I'm telling you, Mike! "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk" is going to be boffo box office! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the camera zooms in on one of the Angels' behinds.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, you're giving away the plot! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drug dealer Sticks, with his boss Farrell watching, beats up a kid who stole from him]'' :'''Farrell''': Hey dummy, don't hurt him too bad. :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': He's our only customer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle sings "Shine Your Love" in a casino lounge.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Diner]''': How's about someone shine my steak over here?! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, back in the '70s, you could take an abstract concept like shining your love and just go with it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''April''': Women ''can'' make a difference. :'''Crow''': Ahh, the director wrote that so he could get laid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The musical score apes ''[[w:Also sprach Zarathustra (Richard Strauss)|Also sprach Zarathustra]]'' as the Angels' combat van appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Vaguely Strauss, ''but notttt!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Terry''': I've got an idea. :''[The scene cuts to a woman posing in a bikini]'' :'''Servo''': What a great idea! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Angels' monster van crashes through the gate of the camp.]'' :'''Crow''': It's the [[wikt:T%26A#Etymology_1|T & A]]-[[w:The A-Team|Team]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bikini-clad Angels are beating the crap out of drug runners on the beach, accompanied by goofy, unrealistic sound effects.]'' :'''Mike''': Right now, [[w:Benny Hill|Benny Hill]] is smiling down from heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Keiko hits a captive drug dealer in the crotch with her sword.]'' :'''Crow''': It's [[w:Andrea Dworkin|Dworkin]]fest '78! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Burke's guard dogs threatens his henchman Farrell ([[w:Jack Palance|Jack Palance]]).]'' :'''Crow [as Farrell/Palance]''': Oh, no! He saw ''[[w:City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold|City Slickers II]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Middle-aged drug enforcer Farrell tries to inconspicuously approach schoolteacher/vigilante April]'' :'''Farrell''': May I speak to you for a moment please? :'''Crow [as Farrell]''': 'It's about my report card. :'''April''': Yes? What can I do for you? :'''Servo [as Farrell]''': What's this "Incomplete" crap? :. . . :'''Farrell''': I'd like to talk to you about my nephew, he's ah... he's in a little trouble. You're his teacher, I understand. :'''April''': Well sure, I have a minute. What's his name? :'''Farrell''': ''[Finally close enough, drops the act.]'' You broads really think that you can get away with this. :'''Crow [as April]''': Well that's a weird name! === [[w:The Amazing Transparent Man|The Amazing Transparent Man]] === :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo]'' So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey? :'''Mike''': ''[staring forward blankly]'' You people bring matches for Mikey? :'''Servo''': ''[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise]'' '''YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP!''' You folks don't give ''NO'' matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! '''Don't''' give him no matches!! ==== The Days of Our Years (short) ==== :''[The short about industrial accidents opens with a quote: "The days of our years are three score and ten..." — Psalm 90:10.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': So, we have 70 days in each year? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Reverend''': Every day I'm reminded of the things that happened to the people that weren't even there. :'''Crow''': Oh, sure— HUH? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pastor talked earlier about how all his parishioners are "accident-haters". We see a shot of a sad little girl sitting on the steps of a church immediately following a funeral.]'' :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': ''[guiltily]'' I didn't hate accidents enough... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Waitress and bride-to-be Helen looks dreamily at her distorted reflection in a toaster.]'' :'''Mike [as Reflection]''': ''[gravelly voice]'' Come over to this side! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Reflection]''': ''[eerily]'' Obey the toaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on Joe's fiance Helen]'' She was the kind of girl who'd be happy just being "Mrs. Joe". :'''Mike''': So his name is Joe Joe? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Helen's daydream progresses to her marriage.]'' :'''Narrator''': She was a clever dreamer, so she arranged for little Joe to be there to keep her from getting lonesome when Daddy was away. :'''Crow''': Speaking of accidents... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[noticing a theme]'' So the main causes of accidents are joy, sex, and old age? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[during funeral sequence]'' Then there was Lenny, who wouldn't be going to college that fall... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[curtly]'' ...because he's DUMB! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Old man George Price closes his house curtains during funeral sequence.]'' :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Tom]] [as George]''': Boring! :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as George]''': ''[as he shuts the curtains]'' There, my problem went away. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[on the frailty of time]'' A minor accident may take a few days away, a major one a few years... :'''Mike''': A disastrous one would be cool to watch! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the reverend stands on his porch looking solemn, a train slowly rolls through the frame.]'' :'''Crow [as director]''': Hey, we're tryin' to film here! ==== The Amazing Transparent Man (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': [[w:Hayley Mills|Hayley Mills]] in ''[[w:The Parent Trap (1961 film)|The Amazing Trans-PARENT Trap]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[singing along to the music]'' ::He's amazing and amusing, ::he's delicious and nutritious, ::two for breakfast, one for... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Would you prepare one of your subjects for the ray treatment, Doctor. We must impress Mr. Faust with the end result of your highly-acclaimed scientific labors. :'''Mike [as Dr. Ulof]''': You want me to make him a sandwich, in other words. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ulof is preparing to make a guinea pig transparent. The guinea pig is secured to a table.]'' :'''Servo''': If he straps on a rubber glove I'm leaving. :. . . :'''Crow [as Dr. Ulof]''': Have a look a Coco's medical record... Let's see, whooping cough in third grade, mother ate by cat, father flushed down toilet. Everything normal. :. . . :''[Ulof is doing sciency stuff with a machine consisting primarily of two metallic globes set together on a long pole.]'' :'''Crow''': Kind of an abstract sculpture of [[w:Jayne Mansfield|Jayne Mansfield]]. :. . . :''[Ulof inserts a [[w:Dremel|Dremel]]-like device between the two globes.] :'''Mike''': I don't know what he's doing but it looks naughty! :. . . :'''Mike''': All this just to get a UHF station? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guinea pig begins to disappear.]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, he's with the [[w:William Morris Agency|William Morris Agency]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Krenner''': Keep your eye on the guinea pig. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Keep your ''eyeeeee'' on the ''guinea pig!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.] :'''Mike [as Faust]''': I'll be right back right after this. === [[w:Santo vs. las Mujeres Vampiro|Samson vs. the Vampire Women]] === :'''Crow''': Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the [[w:Cher|Cher]] jokes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.] :'''Crow''': [[w:Rebecca (novel)|Last night I dreamt I went to El Manderley again.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]'' :'''Crow [as Owl]''': ¡Qui! ¡Qui! {{hnote|Apparently meant to be Spanish for 'Who! Who!', a word-play on the English for owl hooting in this Mexican film — except that '¡Quien!' is the correct word - 'Qui!' is French.}} : . . . :''[a loud shriek is heard]'' :'''Mike''': "Someone taped over ''[[w:Seinfeld|Seinfeld]]''!" : . . . :''[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]'' :'''Crow''': Let the Cher jokes...begin. :'''Servo''': Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]'' :'''Servo''': Another successful [[w:José Eber|José Eber]] makeover. :'''Crow [as Tandra]''': I'm pretty, so I have value now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Diana plays the [[w:Piano Sonata No. 14 (Beethoven)|"Moonlight" Sonata]], four bats hover outside her window.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the woodland creatures ''love'' her music! :'''Crow''': I don't get the physics of a hovering bat. :'''Servo''': The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation! :'''Crow [as Bat]''': I don't know how long I can keep this up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles''': Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious. :'''Professor Orlof''': You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you? :'''Mike''': Puppet theater? :'''Charles''': Well that's easy, start by explaining. :'''Professor Orlof''': I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss. :'''Charles''': Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening. :'''Servo [as Charles]''': And that makes it hard to get the scene going! :'''Charles''': How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from? :'''Professor Orlof''': Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say. :'''Charles''': Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up. :'''Professor Orlof''': No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss! :'''Mike [as Orlof]''': But forget I said anything. :'''Professor Orlof''': That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone! :'''Crow [as Charles]''': Look, you invited me here! :'''Charles''': Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how? :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': I can't tell you, now leave me alone! :'''Professor Orlof''': Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana. :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': Now get out of here! :'''Charles''': Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party? :'''Professor Orlof''': That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate! :'''Charles''': Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good. :'''Professor Orlof''': No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight. :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! ''[Charles leaves the room]'' :'''Servo [as Orlof]''': No wait, come back! :'''Crow [as Orlof]''': Why won't he help me??? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]'' :'''Crow [as Woman]''': We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! {{hnote|This movie was one of over 50 Mexican wrestling films starring El Santo (aka Samson).}} :'''Servo''': Ah, the entire Mexican middle class. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[trying to stifle a laugh]'' ''Pfft''HA'''''HA!!!''''' :'''Samson''': I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on? :'''Servo [as Samson]''': I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress? :. . . :'''Mike [as Samson]''': So, do you need any wrestling done, or...? == Season 7 == === [[w:Night of the Blood Beast|Night of the Blood Beast]] === ==== [[w:Once Upon a Honeymoon (1956 film)|Once Upon a Honeymoon]] (short) ==== :''[The gang enters the theater as the title is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, how many times [[w:Michael Jackson|Michael Jackson]] and [[w:Lisa Marie Presley|Lisa Marie]] had sex! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cheerful music is heard during the short's opening credits.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The_Producers_(1968_film)|Springtime for Hitler and Germany]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short starts with a vision of heaven.]'' :'''Crow [as [[w:Ricky Ricardo|Ricky Ricardo]]]''': Lucy, I'm dead! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur gets tangled up in a TV antenna.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, now they'll get immaculate reception! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a wide shot of the living room]'' :'''Mike''': They live in a doll house! :'''Crow''': You know, they should fire Grandma as their decorator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jeff tries to rewrite his song.]'' :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': What would Liberace do? Nah, better not do that. :'''Servo''': One of 32 short films about... this guy. :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Let's see. What rhymes with "blue balls"? :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Wait a minute! I work for Otis Elevators! I don't write music! :''[A dissolve turns an empty ashtray into an overflowing one.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Mickey Rourke|Mickey Rourke]] came over to help. :'''Mary''': No inspiration, darling? :'''Jeff''': I couldn't write "The Farmer in the Dell" today. :'''Crow [as Mary]''': Why would you wanna write him? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a castle in the sky... :'''Mike''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, well, wish in one hand and ''crap'' in the other and see which one piles up first! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' Away up high where bluebirds like to fly... :'''Servo [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wish I could have sex with [[w:Louis Nye|Louis Nye]]... :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' A cozy, little castle with 100 rooms or more... :'''Crow [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' I wouldn't have to dress like [[w:Tipper Gore|Tipper Gore]]... :. . . :''[Wilbur, Jeff and Mary's marriage guardian angel, sprinkles "Miracle Dust" onto Mary.]'' :'''Mary''': I wish... :''[Beat for one second]'' :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'': I wish the faucet wouldn't drip all day... :'''Crow''': AIM HIGH, SISTER! :''[A dissolve changes part of the kitchen to a different kitchen.]'' :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Oh, I wish Hardware Hank hadn't done my kitchen! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish that refrigerator door would close and stay closed... :'''Mike [as the fridge]''': Oh, sure, everyone dump on the refrigerator. :'''Crow [as announcer]''': Miss Betty Furdess and the new Westinghouse! :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish I had a stove whose pilot was always lit... :'''Crow''': ''[in a Australian accent]'' Well, don't look for it now. It's only available in the year 2000! :. . . :'''Mary''': ''[singing]'' I wish my living room were all redone... :'''Mike [as Mary]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Citizen Kane|I think owning a newspaper would be fun]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The short's overly perky couple dance about the room with enormous smiles.]'' :'''Mike''': Honey, I can't stop smiling, I'm in hell! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the couple prance around their home to a lush orchestral accompaniment.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Meanwhile soldiers are dying in the mud in North Korea... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bedroom is repeatedly dissolving to different ones.]'' :'''Mike''': That's about as sexy as a garage. :. . . :'''Crow''': One bed's for them, the other one's for little grandma. :. . . :'''Servo [as Mary]''': Jeff and I were going to get the racing car beds, but we decided on these. :. . . :'''Servo''': Well, sort of a Westerny-Ginghamy-Oriental-Danish-Modernesque-Prairie School sort of thing, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Jeff]''': Here's how far I've gotten: '''LA'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Wilbur the fey angel sprinkles fairy dust on Jeff & Mary's house.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Male Neighbor]''': Uh, honey, izzat a gay man on the Johnsons' roof? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Female Neighbor]''': Should we get a gay man for our roof, honey? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mary is trying to dial the phone, but keeps on getting busy signals. Mike and the Bots imitate the opening notes of a song.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Money (Pink Floyd song)|Money]]... :'''Jeff''': Wait a minute, do that again! :'''Mike [as Jeff]''': Yeah, okay. Now rustle your skirt, and flap your arms, and run the vaccuum. :'''Jeff''': Yeah! Yeah! Why not? :'''Servo [as Jeff]''': I'll call someone to write the song! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing along]'' Everybody was... [[w:Kung Fu Fighting|kung fu fighting]], yeah! <hr width="50%"/> :''[An invisible Wilbur is playing the piano as the couple dances.]'' :'''Crow''': Welcome to Shakey's! :''[The camera zooms in on his glasses on the piano.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[gasps]'' Elton John was here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This would make a great companion movie with ''[[w:Eraserhead|Eraserhead]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': The following scene contains graphic sexual content. :'''Servo''': Wait a minute... what the hell was that about, anyway? ==== Night of the Blood Beast (movie) ==== :''[Three of the space program's staff head toward the crash site in a flatbed truck.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is back when NASA was family-owned and operated. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as [[w:John F. Kennedy|JFK]]]''': [[w:Apollo program#Background|Before this decade is out, we will put a man in a pickup truck, and bring him safely to Mendocino County]]. :'''Servo''': It's great how they can run the space program, and then sell corn from their flatbed truck. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are examining Johnny's corpse.]'' :'''Dr. Wyman''': No skin discoloration. Temperature feels normal. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Wyman]''': Well, let's give him more time to die. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': And the Steves are there! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Wyman''': I've never seen an internally damaged body with no sign of rigor mortis after so long. :'''Mike [as Wyman]''': And I love it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave is fiddling with the radio as Donna watches.]'' :'''Dave''': Will you go out and ask Steve to come in here a minute? :'''Servo [as Donna]''': Okay. STEEEEEEEEEEEEVE! :'''Mike [as Dave]''': I could have done ''that''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dave hears something.]'' :'''Dave''': Steve? :'''Mike''': ''Not everyone is Steve!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve, Julie, and Dr. Wyman are examining Johnny's body. Donna enters.]'' :'''Crow [as Donna]''': Um, have you guys seen my brush? :'''Donna''': Steve. :'''Mike [as Julie]''': Yes? :'''Servo [as Dr. Wyman]''': Yes? :'''Crow [as Steve]''': Yes? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dave is attacked, the rest of the scientists rush to the scene.]'' :'''Servo''': And the Steves are there! :'''Crow''': Steve One, you go that way. Steve Two, come with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The older scientist peers under a microscope and is stunned by what he sees.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh god... I'm pregnant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dr. Wyman views the strange egg-like alien cells in the body's blood.]'' :'''Mike [as Dr. Wyman]''': What I'm about to say may sound strange, but I think we should eat this corpse. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After it's revealed that alien embryos have been implanted inside Major Corcoran's body]'' :'''Crow''': This is still a better movie than ''[[w:Junior (film)|Junior]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The photographer Donna is staring at a photo she took of the satellite crash.]'' :'''Donna''': Here's something to complicate things even more. :'''Crow''': I took these upside down! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steve enters in from the lab.]'' :'''Steve''': They're gone. :'''Crow [as Steve]''': My brownies are gone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Hard to trust somebody not named Steve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scientists are making their way down a steep hill.]'' :'''Crow''': Carry me. :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': Carry me! :'''Servo''': Shut up. :'''Crow''': CARRY ME! :'''Servo''': Shut up! :'''Crow''': Unnnnnnh... === [[w:The Brute Man|The Brute Man]] === ==== [[w:The Chicken of Tomorrow|The Chicken of Tomorrow]] (short) ==== :''[Over the short's title screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[Bill Clinton]] Story! :'''Servo''': The chicken of tomorrow in a deadly battle against the chicken of today! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a dedication in the opening credits] :'''Crow''': Dedicated to the chickens who lost their lives in the great chicken war. :'''Mike''': Wait a minute! Men and women breeding better poultry? What kind of sick experiment is going on here? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After all these years, whether the chicken or the egg came first is still the subject of a lot of good-natured debate. :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' No, it isn't. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Betty, must you sit ''in'' dinner? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as farmers pack chickens in cages for delivery]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Woo hoo! We're going on a trip! Hey, where are we going? :'''Servo''': Chickens are shipped to the set of ''Oklahoma!'' :'''Mike [as chicken]''': I think the fella in white really likes us, Susan. ''[clucks]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': I'd like to be the Chicken of Tomorrow, but how can I be more of the Man of Today? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': And on large and small farms everywhere, the search for a better chicken goes on. :'''Servo''': There it is! No, wait, there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As we begin to see what happens at the chicken farm]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': If you're nice, we'll hook you up to the milking machine! :'''Narrator''': Of course, they have to be hatched before they can grow up, so let's start at the beginning, in the incubator. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': ''[muffled]'' I'm in the incubator now... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is placing eggs inside a tray.]'' :'''Mike [as egg]''': Hey, can I go to the bathroom? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, stay in there. :'''Mike [as egg]''': Oh, come on. Can I go home? :'''Servo [as egg]''': No, the door's locked! :'''Crow''': I've seen [[w:List of I Love Lucy episodes#Season 2|the episode]] where the eggs come in too fast and she starts putting them in her mouth! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker puts trays inside the incubator.]'' :'''Narrator''': The temperature is kept at 99 degrees to approximate the body heat of the hens. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And this fellow. :. . . :'''Narrator''': This one unit holds 85,000 eggs. :'''Servo''': And one bathroom for all of them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Watching footage of a baby chicken forming and hatching.]'' :'''Mike''': This is gonna be hot, hot, hot! :. . . :'''Servo''': Mork calling Orson... :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Hey, I'm trying to sleep in here! :. . . :'''Servo''': That is one bloodshot eye. :. . . :'''Crow''': Oh, wait. That's my Silly Putty. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' How dry I am— ''[hiccups]'' :. . . :'''Narrator''': And finally, the fully developed chick is ready to start breaking out of its shell. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Sticks of dynamite are arranged carefully around the perimeter. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:The Partridge Family|Come on down and meet everybod]]— Oh, sorry. :. . . :'''Mike''': I hate it when people tape their own deliveries. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aren't there [[w:L'eggs|supposed to be pantyhose in there]]? :. . . :'''Crow [as baby chick]''': Oh, what did I do last night? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hey guys, it's God! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sexing the chicks, or separating the males from the females, is a highly specialized trade. :'''Servo''': Yeah, for ''pervs''! :''[A farmer inspects one of the chicks]'' :'''Crow [as farmer]''': Whoa, [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] there... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A worker is sorting out baby chicks.]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': Garage sale. Goodwill. Save for the kids. :''[The baby chicks are being thrown into a small box.]'' :'''Mike [as baby chick]''': It's nice. You know, it's small, the walls are neutral. :'''Servo [as baby chick]''': Hi, Cindy. I'm so glad I'm gonna be in your group. This is gonna be a fun group! :'''Mike''': 40 piece chicken nuggets to go! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But wait a minute, you may be saying... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Why am I watching this? :'''Narrator''': Can those chicks just out of the shell be sent without food on trips of a day, two days, even three? :'''Servo''': You bet! :'''Narrator''': Indeed they can! :'''Servo''': ''[surprised]'' ...Hey, I was right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The truck carrying baby chicks is driving very slowly.]'' :'''Narrator''': Nevertheless, speed is essential and it's here that the motor truck plays a big part in poultry raising. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': I said "''Speed'' is '''ESSENTIAL'''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the truck drives as the scene fades.]'' :'''Mike''': That guy's escaping disguised as a chicken! :''[the next scene fades in]'' :'''Crow''': Chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two girls are feeding baby chicks.]'' :'''Mike [as girl]''': How many are ''you'' sitting on? :'''Crow [as girl]''': Dad went a little nuts this Easter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Their immediate destination after leaving the incubator... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Broadway! :'''Narrator''': ...is the brooder house. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Designed by [[w:Frank Lloyd Wright|Frank Lloyd Wright]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': From now on, their main job in life is to eat and grow. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Eat and grow forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator has talked about keeping paper on the floor to cover litter.]'' :'''Narrator''': After the first few days, the paper can be removed. :'''Crow''': Except for the sports section. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': After the chicks are two or three weeks old, they can be allowed out of doors if the weather's good. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': And if they've completed their lessons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The range shelter should be very small, not holding more than one hundred birds. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Or migrant workers. :'''Narrator''': The shelter protects them from the sun and gives them a safe place to roost out of the way of rodents. :''[Over a shot of chickens frantically fluttering out of a hen house]'' :'''Crow, Mike, Servo [as chickens]''': RODENTS?! '''''AAAAHHH!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of chickens eating]'' :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Heavens, I'm so fat. I just look at chicken feed and I gain weight. :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Does this taste funny to you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[On spacing range shelters to avoid chickens wandering off]'' :'''Narrator''': You know how chickens are. :'''Servo''': Yeah, they own everything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Remember the old henhouse? :'''Servo''': The one with the ''rats''? :'''Narrator''': It's now a hotel... a pullet hotel. :'''Mike''': Rooms by the hour. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a group of chickens in the henhouse]'' :'''Crow [as chicken]''': Open your hymnals to number 325. :. . . :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Everybody! [[w:Soylent Green|Soylent Green]] is made from chickens! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the trap nest, which is basically a chicken cage that can't be opened on the inside]'' :'''Mike''': There's no point; it's just funny! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Narrator is talking about profitable egg production.]'' :'''Narrator''': A hen that lays 210 eggs a year and eats 70 pounds of feed is giving you 3 eggs for every pound you feed her. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': She will live. :'''Narrator''': Keep that one. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': She's worth millions. :'''Narrator''': But if she eats 70 pounds of feed and lays only 70 eggs a year, you better send her to the market or to your dinner table. :'''Servo''': Or put a warning slip on her desk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ...and this is a good place to point out a few facts about eggs. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': Stop throwing them at my car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Narrator talks about cooling eggs and moisture.]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': So put your mouth under a chicken. :. . . :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Lick your eggs, or have a friend lick them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The narrator explains how the carrier system works]'' :'''Narrator''': When you've got as many birds to look after as this hatchery, you're pretty receptive to labor-saving devices. And this carrier system is one of the best. It runs the length of the building, and is used to carry feed to the different pens. It can be used also for gathering up manure. Saves a lot of back-breaking work. :'''Servo [as chicken]''': Hey, pal, feed me, then clean up my poops! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a worker put seed in a feeding trough]'' :'''Crow [as worker]''': There's your appetizer, ladies, I'll be back to get your drink order. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the narrator has explained the egg collecting process at great length]'' :'''Mike''': Eggs are complicated; they should cost like a hundred dollars each. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]'' :'''Mike''': It's [[w:Goofus and Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]. :. . . :'''Crow''': This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Short cuts to a close-up of chicken being sliced]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': May I have a piece of my own white meat please? : . . . :''[Shot of cooked chicken being sliced ''very'' thinly]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, thanks for the generous portion! : . . . :'''Crow''': Yes, chicken sliced to the width of one electron. :'''Servo''': These must be models' portions. :'''Mike [as server]''': This one's for you, [[w:Kate Moss|Miss Moss]], and for you, [[w:Christy Turlington|Miss Turlington]]... : . . . :'''Crow''': ''[in Ritzy accent]'' Yes, it's chicken. Glorious American chicken sliced the American way! :'''Servo''': You can carry it in your wallet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': But it's your pocketbook that profits most when you send this bird to market. :''[The next scene fades in]'' :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': We bring you now to market. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the auction, as the auctioneer rambles off bids]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. He's drunk! Look at him. :. . . :''[The shadowrama makes it look as if Mike, Servo, and Crow are sitting in the back row of the auction.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Put your hand up. Buy a chicken. :'''Mike''': ''[raises his hand]'' I want one... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': [[Dirty Harry|Alright, come on, sing, sing! ''Row, row, row''— you're not singing!]] :'''Narrator''': Hundreds of live chickens can be speeded on their way to the dressing plant. :'''Crow''': Dressing plant? Sounds like fun. :'''Servo''': I want a new hat. :''[Shot of a gas station]'' :'''Narrator''': One truck can handle thousands of eggs and take them anywhere there to market. :'''Mike''': Even to the Texaco station. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the short ends, a truck seems to move by itself.]'' :'''Crow''': There's no driver! The chickens are taking over! ==== The Brute Man (movie) ==== :''["Creeper" Hal Moffett sneaks into the apartment of blind Helen Paige, as usual seated at her piano.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Moffett]''': Uh... look, Helen. Other girls in the sorority asked me to talk to you about your incessant piano playing. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]'' :'''Crow [as Cop]''': ''[with exaggerated Irish accent]'' All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moffet examines the groceries that were delivered to him.]'' :'''Mike [as Moffet]''': They forgot my [[w:Fruit Brute|Fruit Brute]] cereal! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[observing the number 23 painted above the Creeper's hideout]'' Hey, it's [[w:WUCW|KTMA]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Haskins''': [holding a grocery list] Where'd this come from? :'''Jimmy''': Somebody stuck it under the door. :'''Mr. Haskins''': [annoyed] Uhh... :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': I hate customers! :'''Jimmy''': Don't you think it's kinda funny? Sticking a note under the door? :'''Mr. Haskins''': No! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jimmy]''': Go to hell! :'''Mr. Haskins''': And don't go trying to make a mystery out of it! :'''Crow [as Jimmy]''': Piss off! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helen''': Hal? Hal? Hal? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Helen]''': [[2001: A Space Odyssey|Open the pod bay doors, Hal.]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline reads "Philanthropist laid to rest".]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, look at that. "Philanthropist laid." It's always the philanthropists... rock stars and philanthropists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[over a closeup of the Creeper's face]'' :'''Crow''': Hey fella, why the long face? :'''Mike''': Now, come on... :'''Crow''': ''[laughing]'' I'm sorry, I couldn't... :'''Mike''': I begged you not to do that! :'''Crow''': I know... :'''Servo''': That hurts. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He can't decide if he's a creeper, a peeper, a stalker, a walker, a backbreaker... :'''Crow''': In today's job market, you can't afford not to diversify. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Creeper slowly climbs the ladder of a fire escape.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen! In the center ring, the Creeper will now attempt the high...thing. :''[Mike and Servo both crack up.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[annoyed]'' Why didn't they just call this movie ''The Creeper''? ''Brute Man'', pah... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': A Producer's Releasing Corporation reminding you, [[w:Don't_Fear_The_Reaper|don't fear the creeper]]. === [[w:Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell|Deathstalker and the Warriors from Hell]] === :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, where's the [[w:Metal_umlaut|umlaut]]? :'''Servo''': Oh, these guys are, like, warriors ''from Hell!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Well, let's see how long these accents last. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker has a very 80's style haircut]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, they missed on haircuts by roughly twelve hundred years. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker is stick fighting on a log, with a hint of an accent of some sort.]'' :'''Crow''': Let's see how long THESE accents last! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is getting ready to attack.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': We're taking it to the streets! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets shot down by a princess after saying something rude to her.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, it looks like I'm [[wikt:masturbate|boxing the clown]] again tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A warrior runs at Deathstalker, brandishing his sword wildly.] :'''Servo [as warrior]''': Duh-huh, kill! Huh huh... :''[As he lunges, the warrior gets caught in a trap that leaves him dangling by his leg from a tree.]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! He set that thing for pheasants; that was lucky! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troxartis''': ''[haltingly, overacting]'' This has. Nothingtodowith. Being ''RICH''. :'''Servo [as Troxartis]''': I put the. Beatsinmyown. Script and I'm. Sticking ''WITH'' them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[An eagle flies overhead making a very odd, synthesizer-like squawk.]'' :'''Crow''': You know, it's a lot of things, but it's not a bird sound. :''[Deathstalker looks up at the eagle strangely.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': I just heard an eagle meow! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker gets up from Khorsa and Marinda's potatoes-only feast inside their rough house.]'' :'''Khorsa''': You sleep in the barn! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Deathstalker]''': This ''isn't'' the barn? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as Khorsa]''': ''[addressing the Warriors from Hell]'' Excuse me, Mr. Moose? :'''Mike [as the Warriors from Hell]''': We're bats, ma'am. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Warriors from Hell burst through the door of Khorsa's cabin.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|We're the knights of the round table!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker approaches a horse and throws a shaggy blue-gray object over its back.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh no, he made a saddle out of [[w:Grover|Grover]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker sneaks around Troxartis' castle, encountering few obstacles along the way.]'' :'''Mike''': This movie is like playing [[w:Doom (video game)|Doom]] when there's no monsters or opponents. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Deathstalker''': ...Now here he is, drinking wine and chasing women. :'''Mike''': [[w:Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee O-dee|Spo-dee o-dee]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A large mob of people (who have never been seen before this point in in the movie) attack Troxartis' castle; several of them scurry up a ladder over the top of the wall.]'' :'''Mike [as attacker]''': Remember, top rung not to be used as a step! :'''Crow [as attacker]''': Who ''are'' we?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker randomly appears outside the tower window to confront Troxartis.]'' :'''Mike''': What the— Uh? Th— Oh... ''[as Troxartis]'' You clever bastard. So the editor's working with you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the climactic battle, Marinda lies dying in Deathstalker's arms.]'' :'''Marinda''': I love you! :'''Servo''': Quick! Jam a potato in the wound! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Marinda]''': You were my first... tuber. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker's friend who looks like Michael McDonald is comforting him after losing Marinda.]'' :'''Servo [as Michael McDonald character]''': She came from somewhere back in your long ago. :'''Mike [as Deathstalker]''': Look, just shut up. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''' ''[as army]:'' We're still fighting bravely for our vague goal! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, Marinda's burial-shrouded body lies near a pyre.]'' :'''Crow''': Wrapped in foil, she was buried in coals on the beach. : . . . :''[Deathstalker tenderly closes the shroud over Marinda's face.]'' :'''Servo [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Make sure you crimp the foil good... poke her with a fork so she doesn't explode. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Deathstalker]''': ''[sobbing]'' Well... I have to say... she was all-righta. {{hnote|Alluding to a famous TV ad from potato company Ore-Ida: ''Ore-Ida is all-righta!''}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man gives Deathstalker a sympathetic look after Marinda has died]'' :'''Mike [as the man]''': [[Chinatown (film)|Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Deathstalker leaves the kingdom, and everyone is cheering.]'' :'''Mike [as a member of the crowd]''': He's leaving! Our long national nightmare is over! === [[w:The Incredible Melting Man|The Incredible Melting Man]] === :''[On the SOL, Mike has been hit in the face by a crazy pitch from Servo.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, now say "I was born on a pirate ship." :'''Mike''': I was born on a pile of... Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike and the Bots enter the theater, the logo for American International Pictures (a circle with shapes inside that are supposed to represent the letters "a" and "i" together) appears.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[chuckling]'' "Round Guy With Surfboard" International. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the movie's title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:George Hamilton (actor)|George Hamilton]] Story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Less than a minute after liftoff, one of the astronauts announces "Saturn clear."]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, they got to Saturn fast! :'''Mike''': It's all freeways now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Astronaut''': I.M.U., ready to launch. :'''Crow''': You are ''not'' me, stop saying that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Ted Nelson tells his coworker Dr. Loring about his wife's pregnancy.]'' :'''Loring''': How many weeks is she? :'''Ted Nelson''': Fourteen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Loring]''': A little young to be pregnant, isn't she? :. . . :''[The entire building is empty except for Nelson and Loring]'' :'''Servo [as Loring]''': So when do you think the people who work here are coming back? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Nelson is in his office with the African-American Dr. Loring, and is on the phone with General Perry.]'' :'''General Perry''': How's it looking? :'''Ted Nelson''': Not too good. :'''Servo [as Nelson]''': ''[whispering]'' There's a black guy in my office! :. . . :''[Dr. Nelson asks General Perry when he expects to arrive.]'' :'''General Perry''': About 1600 hours... and I hope to hell you've found him by then. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': 1600 hours? So, like five months from now? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ted Nelson is making soup, and grabs the hot part of the pot by mistake.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''AADGKA!'' :'''Servo''': Ah, aadgka, of course. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Judy is preparing Ted's soup.]'' :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''[sulkily]'' General wants to go find the ''aadgjka'' melting man. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve escaped. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh God. :'''Mike [as Judy]''': Aadgka? :'''Judy Nelson''': What're you gonna do? :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Well, first I've gotta lose a little weight.{{hnote|Both actors in this scene are exceptionally skinny.}} :'''Ted Nelson''': Uh... did you get some crackers? I told you yesterday that we needed some crackers. :'''Judy Nelson''': Oh, I forgot. I knew there was something... :'''Servo [as Judy]''': ''[annoyed with herself]'' Aadgka. :'''Judy Nelson''': Y'know there's uh, there's a pad right by the phone y'know, you could write it down too. :''[She brings over his soup.]'' :'''Mike''': Y'know they made a mistake and they just went home with the actors. :''[Crow laughs over Judy asking about Steve.]'' :'''Ted Nelson''': ''[ignoring the question]'' So, we don't have any crackers? :'''Judy Nelson''': Ted. Steve? :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Raging Bull|Raging Bull]]''. :'''Ted Nelson''': Steve? :'''Servo [as Ted]''': ''Steve'' had crackers! :'''Ted Nelson''': I've got to go out and find Steve. :'''Judy Nelson''': Why you? :'''Ted Nelson''': Because nobody else is supposed to know. :'''Crow [as Ted]''': Rye crisps, Sociables, ''anything?!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[General Perry is helping himself to the Nelsons' leftovers in their kitchen.]'' :'''Mike''': This man is a brilliant tactician. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie keeps cutting back to Judy asleep in her bed.]'' :'''Mike''': Couldn't they just put "ibid." up on the screen? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You guys know, is there a ''credible'' melting man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ted Nelson''': DON'T SHOOT, I'M DR. TED NELSON! :''[The security guard shoots Ted on the spot.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the melting man]'' Whoa! Not Ted Nelson! No relation to Ted Nelson here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[All the principal characters are dead or a melted pile of glop, but the film continues nonetheless.]'' :'''Servo''': What could there possibly be to wrap up? Everybody's dead! :'''Mike''': Well now the movie has to mop up after itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A black janitor puts Steve West's melted remains into a garbage can.]'' : '''Servo''': ''[as janitor]'' I'll never understand white people... :. . . :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[almost cracking up]'' So, how many monster movies end with a janitor scooping the monster into a garbage can? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the film's end, another rocket launches into space.]'' :'''Mike''': So, they learned nothing. :'''Servo''': Yep. :'''Crow''': Well, I learned somethin', Mike: I learned that doctors don't care. :'''Servo''': I learned that southern California can get cold enough for a snorkel jacket. :'''Mike''': ''[reading the credit for Burr DeBenning]'' I learned never to name a child "Burr". :'''Crow''': Mike, I've written a short sketch about Burr DeBenning. Ahem... "Hi, what's your name?" "Burr." "Oh here, take my coat. Now what's your name?" "Burr!" Heh-heh... ha... :'''Mike''': Very good. :'''Crow''': I kill me. :'''Servo''': Well, I also learned never to scream "I'm Ted Nelson" to a security guard. :'''Mike''': I learned that half-eaten turkey legs make ''very tepid'' ironic statements. :'''Crow''': We learned it's good to have [[w:Saltines|Saltines]] around your house. :'''Servo''': I learned that sheriffs are full of pyrotechnics. :''[Mike notices a credit for [[w:Jonathan Demme|Jonathan Demme]] on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Jonathan Demme?!'' Ah, who cares. Anyway? :'''Servo''': Uh, once again, we learned that NASA is staffed by two or three people, tops. :'''Crow''': And they hire civilian doctors to head up their recovery program. :'''Servo''': What else, what else? ...Oh, I learned that some nurses can't find properly fitting uniforms. You? :'''Mike''': Musta learned something else... Oh, we learned some cats can open the refrigerator, get the milk, bring the milk into the middle of the kitchen, throw it up in the air, drop it on the floor, shatter it all over the place. :'''Servo''': Good lesson. :'''Crow''': Well, we also learned that if you're a melting man, you can have a short but successful career as a sprinter. :'''Servo''': Me, I learned that I should never marry a passive, immobile doctor named Ted Nelson who doesn't ever do anything. And I certainly shouldn't have his baby. :'''Mike''': I think that's very sound. Oh, you know what? I learned that I can use the word "Aadgka!" as an expletive, if necessary. :'''Servo''': Aadgka! :'''Crow''': I learned that if you're gonna have a general over for dinner, you better have turkey legs and beer on hand. :'''Servo''': Well, we learned that lights and lighting really aren't necessary to make a film these days. :'''Mike''': And neither are actors. :'''Servo''': Well, I think I learned that I shouldn't go to Saturn unless I have the proper protective gear. :''[Mike gets up from his seat and stretches.]'' :'''Crow''': Yep, yep. Right now I'm learnin' that even though this movie is about eighty minutes long, it feels like ''[[w:Berlin Alexanderplatz (television)|Berlin Alexanderplatz]]''. :'''Servo''': I also learned that some sheriffs aren't married. Did you know that? :'''Mike''': ''[sitting down]'' Yes I did. I learned it was impossible to look good in the '70s. :'''Crow''': I learned that even if you chop a monster's arm off, it'll only make him stronger and more powerful. :'''Servo''': Yep. And I learned that you can just fill in crucial elements of the plot whenever it's convenient. [[w:Johnny Carson|I did not know that.]] :'''Mike''': We've learned that if you're put in charge of an urgent, top secret government project, it really doesn't matter if you do anything. :'''Crow''': Yah, yup. And we learned that sometimes, [[w:Rick Baker (makeup artist)|people]] can ''abuse'' spirit gum and latex. :'''Mike''': Oh, I hear ya. === [[w:Escape from the Bronx|Escape 2000]] === :''[As the gang enters the theater, the famous Samuel Goldwyn logo appears.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, why is John Madden signing [[w:Samuel Goldwyn|Samuel Goldwyn's]] signature? :'''Crow''': Samuel Goldwyn, Father of the Constitution. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film starts, squads of [[w:Stormtrooper|Stormtrooper]]-like men roughly drag people out of homes. In the background, a loudspeaker continually blares] :'''Loudspeaker''': You are ordered to leave the Bronx! I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :''[A man is thrown out a window]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Man]''': ''I forgot my luggage...!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': This area has been declared uninhabitable, and destined for demolition! Leave now, and leave peacefully! :''[The same man is roughly grabbed and thrown into the street]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': ''Okay, you convinced me!'' :'''Loudspeaker''': You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable, up-to-date, alternative accommodations! :''[The man, and others like him, are thrown against a wall and collapse, cringing.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[snickers]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mmm-hmm. :'''Loudspeaker''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Servo [as Loudspeaker]''': Even though this is [[w:Cinema of Italy|Italy]], leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': I repeat, you are ordered to leave the Bronx! :'''Mike [as Loudspeaker]''': You, too, [[w:Henry Silva|Henry Silva]]. :'''Loudspeaker''': The area has been declared uninhabitable and destined for demolition! :'''Crow [as Loudspeaker]''': Therefore, we suggest you— :'''All [as Loudspeaker]''': Leave the Bronx! :'''Loudspeaker''': ...leave peacefully! You have nothing to fear! The government guarantees to relocate all of you in comfortable... :'''Servo''': So leave the Bronx. :'''Mike''': Just leave the Bronx. :''[The loudspeaker fades out as we see a van with a radio antenna.]'' :'''Servo [as loudspeaker on van]''': Vote Johnson! Vote Johnson! :. . . :'''Mike''': Hey, I had my radio on. I didn't hear... are we supposed to leave the Bronx? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Loudspeaker''': Isolate area P-6. :'''Crow''': And we have a Bingo! Hold your cards, please. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several jumpsuit-clad stormtroopers run out of building about to be demolished.]'' :'''Crow [as Trooper]''': ''[terrified]'' Gary saw a [[w:silverfish|silverfish]]! Aaaahh! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a team of stormtroopers raid a building, one stands nearby, next to a sign.]'' :'''Servo [as Stormtrooper]''': Hang on Earl, I gotta read this sign here: "Leave the Bronx". Well, gee. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]'' :'''Crow [as Disinfester]''': I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's ''left the Bronx'', Ted. :'''Servo''': Pretty much. :'''Mike''': We gratefully acknowledge the [[w:Aluminium foil|Reynold's Wrap]] corporation for donating the costumes. :''[They come across a homeless man]'' :'''Mike [as Bum]''': Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx. :''[He looks up at the Disinfesters] :'''Crow [as Bum]''': I thought it was a suggestion! :''[The troopers close in on him]'' :'''Servo''': When [[w:Habitat for Humanity International|Habitat for Humanity]] ''cracks down''! :'''Bum''': Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave! :'''Disinfester''': You should have left earlier. Eliminate! :'''Mike''': Wow, the [[w:Orkin|Orkin Men]] have snapped! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man and a woman are heard yelling at each other in their apartment]'' :'''Servo''': They're rehearsing a [[w:David Mamet|David Mamet]] play in there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Reporter Moon Grey tries to expose Clark's plot.]'' :'''Crow''': A [[w:Mussolini|fascist Italian]]? Come on!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moon Grey''': ''[being dragged from a press conference]'' ...and the GC Corporation sucks! :''[The other reporters whirl around towards President Clark]'' :'''Mike [as Reporter]''': Is that true? Do you suck? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bronx's residents are being led into vans marked "Desinfestation Annihilation Squad"]'' :'''Crow''': ''[chuckles]'' I think they blew their cover here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trash escapes from his parents' apartment only to be almost blown up in a stairwell.]'' :'''Crow [as Trash]''': D'oh, the Bronx is something which I should have left! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A heavy steel ladder hangs dangerously above an unconscious Trash]'' :'''Servo''': Ah. The [[w:Sword of Damocles|ladder of Damocles]]. :'''Crow''': Yeah, so far his greatest adversary is a ladder. <hr width="50%"/> :'''President Clark''': So... You let them both get away... The girl and that delinquent Trash. :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. They're both... under... '' [points at random place in Bronx model] ''...there!'' [points somewhere else]'' ...or maybe there! :'''Servo''': ...right there! :'''Wrangler''': But somewhere there! :''[Mike and the 'bots laugh.]'' :'''President Clark''': Maybe you intend to go down... to convince them... to waste themselves with some dynamite? :'''Wrangler''': ''[chuckles]'' I don't think so. :'''Crow''': You guys didn't rehearse, did you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mine goes off underneath two of President Clark's bodyguards]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': Oh what did you step in! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Disinfesters jump out of a van.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Hi! Kill us! :''[They get shot.]'' :'''Servo [as Disinfester]''': Thank you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Trash blows up a van]'' :'''Mike [as DJ]''': Alright, we're here in the [[w:KROQ|KROQ]] Supervan giving out a— ''[The van explodes. Crow screams.]'' :'''Servo [as Trash]''': Hey, rats. That was my van! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a crane shot shows dozens of bodies sprawled around burning ruins.]'' :'''Mike''': Cleanup in Borough Five! === [[w:Laserblast|Laserblast]] === :''[The credits display: "Laserblast".]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''Terrible'' name for laser eye surgery… scares away the customers. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A mutated man tries to hide from a spaceship, with a laser cannon attached to his arm.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elmer Fudd]''': I'm hunting spacecwaft...hehehehehehe. :. . . :''[A closeup of the man reveals his gaunt complexion and the disc-shaped apparatus on top of the laser cannon on his arm.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Edward Scissorhands|Edward CDplayerhands]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A pan shot reveals a stop motion alien emerging from a spacecraft.] :'''Mike''': Oh great, [[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T. calls, we come, and he's not here.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a scene with the aliens, followed by an unrelated scene with Billy's mother leaving for Acapulco, the film fades to another seemingly unrelated shot of a van driving along the road.]'' :'''Mike''': Well, now on to movie ''three!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Twenty minutes into the movie, and nothing important has happened. Billy is hanging around a gas station.]'' :'''Servo''': So, let's recap the movie so far: somebody went to Acapulco, and somebody almost bought gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shortly after finding a laser cannon in the desert, Billy begins hopping around oddly and pretending to blow stuff up.]'' :'''Billy''': Pow! Pa-pow! :'''Servo''': After all that, it's "pa-pa-pow". :'''Mike''': Once you're over the age of 11, you should not say "pow". :''[Billy continues to prance about the desert with the laser cannon on his arm, moving rather daintily.]'' :'''Servo''': I think he's doing [[w:Frampton Comes Alive!|''Frampton Comes Alive'']]. :'''Mike''': ...So, it's a thing that makes you waltz. :'''Crow''': Won't he be surprised to learn that it doesn't go "pow" but "''fffwissshh''"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy gleefully blasts away at shrubs and sand with said cannon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Billy]''': Yeah... I think you ''are'' gonna detail my van for seventy-five dollars! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy sits by Billy's van, waiting for Billy to arrive.]'' :'''Mike''': ...So we're watching someone waiting for someone. :'''Servo''': There's a point where it stops being a movie! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kathy''': Gee, Billy...if only you were more ordinary. :'''Mike''': ''More'' ordinary? Man, he'd have to work at that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A cake is brought out at the pool party, causing an overexcited reaction from the partygoers]'' :'''Crow''': Teens love their ''cake'' pool party! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a pool party, Chuck is serving hot dogs to a good-looking girl in a bikini.]'' :'''Chuck''': Whoa, mama. Wouldn't Chuck like to give ''you'' his red hot frank. :'''Girl''': From what I hear, Chucky, it ain't so hot. :'''Crow [as Chuck]''': She undercut the subtle nuance of my wiener joke! : . . . :''[Chuck pushes the girl into the pool.]'' :'''Mike [as Chuck]''': There! I think I've taught you not to rebuff my wiener innuendo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Billy's and girlfriend Kathy's hands are shown roving over each other's exposed skin in an intimate moment between the two while Mike and the 'bots express their repulsion.]'' :'''Crow''': This movie means two things to me: sheet cake and back fat! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the ending credits roll, Mike leafs through a copy of ''[[w:Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide|Leonard Maltin's Movie Guide]]''.] :'''Mike''': OK, let's look in Maltin's book, uh he gave this two-and-a-half stars... ooh, ''[[w:My Favorite Year|My Favorite Year]]'' barely edges it out with three stars. :'''Crow''': Huh. :'''Servo''': Look here, ''[[w:Hannah and her Sisters|Hannah and her Sisters]]'' is superior only by one star. :'''Mike''': Oh wow. :'''Crow''': ''[watching the film]'' Oh great, now a tire fire starts ''just'' off camera! :''[Servo coughs. Mike turns a page.]'' :'''Mike''': OK. Umm, ah, look, hey—Leonard Maltin gave the same two-and-a-half stars to ''[[w:My Dinner With Andre|My Dinner With Andre]]''. :'''Crow''': Uhh— :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' ''[[w:The Name of the Rose (film)|Name of the Rose]]''... this is a better film than ''Name of the Rose!'' It only got two stars! :'''Crow''': ''[[w:Being There|Being There]]'', two stars. :'''Mike''': Uh, ''[[w:Lucas Tanner|Lucas Tanner]]'' the movie was directed by [[w:Richard Donner|Richard Donner]]... I just thought I'd point that out. :'''Servo''': Oh. Good. :'''Mike''': Lemme see here... :'''Crow''': ''[reading the credits]'' Y'mean, y'mean to tell me that [[w:Ron Masak|Ron Masak]] and [[w:Eddie Deezen|Eddie Deezen]] get billing ''over'' [[w:Roddy McDowall|Roddy McDowall]]? :'''Servo''': Look Mike, ''[[w:Birdman of Alcatraz (film)|Birdman of Alcatraz]]'', three stars. ''Marginally'' better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[still reading the credits]'' They spelled Roddy McDowall's name wrong... :'''Servo''': ''[leaning in]'' What else you got? :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, ''[[w:Full Metal Jacket|Full Metal Jacket]]'', three stars. :'''Crow''': Hm? :'''Servo''': Shame, isn't it. :'''Mike''': Oh, hey, ''[[w:The Seven Samurai|Seven Samurai]]'', two stars. :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': I'm kidding. :'''Crow''': Oh. :'''Servo''': I hope so. :'''Mike''': According to this, ''[[w:A Fish Called Wanda|A Fish Called Wanda]]'' was as good a film as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': ''[dismissive]'' D'oh... :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'', ''[[w:Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'', three stars—''barely'' superior to ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Mm-hm. :'''Crow''': Same for ''[[w:Diner (film)|Diner]]''. :'''Mike''': Yeah, hm. Oh, here we go—this was a better movie than ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom|Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom]]''. :'''Crow''': Well, ''that's'' possible... :'''Servo''': And the same caliber as ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Last Crusade]]''&mdash;two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh. And, uh, and yet: ''Blame It On the Bellboy''... four stars. :'''Servo''': ''[unbelieving]'' ''Where?'' :'''Crow''': ''[incredulous]'' What? :'''Mike''': No, I'm kidding. :'''Servo''': Oh, you... You... jeez... :'''Mike''': So, [[w:Kim Milford|Kim Milford]]'s greasy, pop-eyed performance was every bit as good as [[w:F. Murray Abraham|F. Murray Abraham]]'s tortured performance as Salieri in ''[[w:Amadeus (film)|Amadeus]]''. :'''Crow''': According to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''[[w:Bagdad Café|Bagdad Café]]'', brilliant subtle comedy—no better than ''Laserblast''. :'''Mike''': Here's where it gets hard—''[[w:Harry and the Hendersons|Harry and the Hendersons]]'' is every bit as good as ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': [[w:Carson McCullers|Carson McCullers]]' classic ''[[w:The Heart is a Lonely Hunter (film)|The Heart is a Lonely Hunter]]''—no better than ''Laserblast''. :''[Servo notices Mike is hiding something and tries to read it.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[reluctant]'' No, no— :'''Servo''': Uhp, [[w:John Schlesinger|John Schlesinger]]'s [[w:Academy Award|Oscar]]-winning thriller ''[[w:Marathon Man|Marathon Man]]''—on par with ''Laserblast'', two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Right, so [[w:Laurence Olivier|Laurence Olivier]]'s chilling performance as Szell, the White Angel, ''no better'' than the butt-faced sheriff in ''Laserblast''. :'''Crow''': Again, according to Leonard Maltin, yes, Mike. :'''Mike''': OK, ah— :'''Servo''': Ah, look here, look here, ''[[w:The Outlaw Josey Wales|Outlaw Josey Wales]]'' AND ''[[w:Unforgiven|Unforgiven]]''! Oscar-winner. ''Quintessential'' Westerns, [[w:Clint Eastwood|Eastwood]] at his ''finest''. However, I think you know where we're headed with this, Mike. :'''Mike''': Uh, yeah... :'''Servo''', '''Mike''': Same as ''Laserblast''— :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': Oh, here we go, here's a couple more. ''[[w:Sophie's Choice (film)|Sophie's Choice]]''— :'''Servo''': Uh huh. :'''Mike''': Uh... here's one, ''[[w:Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]]''— :'''Servo''': No! :'''Mike''': ''[[w:The Great Santini|The Great Santini]]''— :'''Servo''': Oh, I can't believe that! :'''Mike''': ''All'' two-and-a-half stars. :'''Servo''': Two-and-a-half stars. :'''Mike''': The same quality. :'''Crow''': Also known as "Ace", by the way. :'''Mike''': Yes, "Ace". :'''Servo''': ''[as they leave]'' Peers to ''Laserblast''. == Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie ([[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]) == :''[The film begins with a flyby of the Satellite of Love, orbiting over Earth. We then cut to Mike finishing up his daily running exercise. Gypsy, who's holding a towel, watches Mike as he finally finishes his morning routine and goes for a human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister.]'' :'''Gypsy''': Mornin', Mike! :'''Mike''': ''[exhausted]'' Oh, morning, Gypsy! What have you got for me? ''[drinks water from the human-scale sized hamster water feeding canister nozzle]'' :'''Gypsy''': Oxygen-nitrogen mixes within required standards. We are currently at low-orbit over Southern Madagascar, and that wonderful smell, there's a lamb roast I have in the oven. :'''Mike''': ''[taking the towel from Gypsy and dries his sweat off from his face]'' And sweet yams? :'''Gypsy''': Affirmative! Oh, and I compiled today's weather service reports! ''[Mike and Gypsy stroll over to the main desk]'' Here's a hard-copy! ''[gives a hard-copy version of the satellite's daily newspaper to Mike, which whom he starts reading]'' The [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] lost again. :'''Servo''': ''[comes out of one of the desk's pothole hatches]'' Dum-da-dum-dum-dum.... oh, why, hello Mike! Everything working fine on the ol' Satellite of Love, today? Hm? No dangerous problems or horrible mishaps in sight? Hm? :'''Mike''': No, Tom. Everything appears nominal. :'''Servo''': Ah, nominal! Good! Good! So, I guess that means you're not worrying about what that rhythmic pounding might be? :'''Mike''': ''[listens to the sound/noise]'' Yeah, what is that? :'''Servo''': Yeah, ''what is that'', hm? I'm a highly sophisicated robot, Mike, and I'm telling you, this is ''not'' something you should be hearing. Something's ''causing'' this, Mike. Hm? Now, let's think... I'm here, you're here, Gypsy's here.... :'''Mike''': Okay, Tom. Where's Crow? :'''Servo''': ''Where's Crow?'' Huh. I'm not supposed to say anything, but I did see the little moron headed towards the basement with a pickaxe in his hand! :'''Mike''': ''[Turning to Gypsy, alerted]'' Gypsy, go to Condition Yellow! We gotta stop him! :'''Gypsy''': Roger! ''[familiar ''Commercial Sign'' alarm is active]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to Crow in the S.O.L.'s maintenance ''basement'' bay, inevitably making yet ''another'' escape attempt by digging his way through the hull with a pickaxe.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing [[w:It's a Long Way to Tipperary|It's a Long Way to Tipperary]]]'' It's a ''long way'' to ''tipperary''... ''[*Thunk!*]'' To the ''sweetest'' girl I ''know''...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' Goodbye to [[w:Noah Beery|Noah ''Beery'']]... ''[*Thunk!*]'' Hello [[w:Harold Lloyd|Harold ''LLOOOOOOYD'']]...! ''[*Thunk!*]'' :'''Mike''': ''[O.S.]'' Crow! :'''Crow''': Huh? :'''Mike''': Crow, listen, you gotta stop! :'''Crow''': Oh! Hi, Mike! I found a perfect spot! Once I break through this wall, we'll tunnel our way right back to Earth! ''[*Thunk!*] :'''Servo''': ''[hovering down]'' Crow, you big dope! You can't tunnel through space! :'''Crow''': Come, come, boys! We must confound Jerry at every turn! ''[*Thunk!*]'' ''[continues singing]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushes to Crow]'' Crow, no! You'll breach the hull! :''[Crow breaches the satellite's hull as he tries to escape, causing the air to be sucked out.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[quickly rushing to something to hang onto for dear life]'' WOAAAH! CROOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!! :'''Crow''': Woah, I didn't expect ''this''! :'''Servo''': Attaining.... Maximum RPM.... Adjust pitch and yaw thrusters..... ''Stabilize''! There, that should do it— ''[gets sucked towards hole]'' WOOOAAAAAAAAAAH!!! :''[Mike quickly catches Servo, screaming for dear life, by the hand.]'' :'''Crow''': Wow, this ''is'' confusing! Uh, Mike, you wanna hand me my calculations? :''[A wad of paper is blown across the bay and hits Crow in the face.]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you! Wow, look at that: ''"Breach Hull - All Die"''! Even had it underlined! Hah! :''[Mike is still holding on to the screaming Servo for his dear life.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[screaming]'' WOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAA-AH! OH! OH! I DON'T WANNA DIE! OHHH! MOMMY! MOMMY! AAAHHHHH! I LOVE YOU, MIIIIIIIKE! ''[*Sproing!*]'' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!! :''[Servo is pulled out of Mike's hand and straight towards the hole.]'' :'''Mike''': SERVO! :''[Servo ends up landing right-side up on the hole with his hoverskirt.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[impressed and satisfied]'' Attaboy, Servo! :'''Crow''': I won't do ''that'' again! :. . . :'''Servo''': Hey, I'm experiencing a sensation altogether ''new'' to me, and frankly... I ''LOVE'' IT! :'''Mike''': Now, Crow, I told you: no more escape attempts. :'''Crow''': Well believe me Mike, I calculated the odds of this succeeding versus the odds I was doing something incredibly stupid, and... I went ahead anyway. :'''Mike''': Now, here you go. ''[pulls Servo off the hole, replacing him wth Crow's helmet that he removed earlier]'' :'''Servo''': ''[upsettingly]'' Aw, darn! :''[*Ding! Ding! DING! ''DING!''*]'' :'''Gypsy''': It's time! Dr. F is calling for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We cut to see Dr. Forrester on the Hexfield Viewscreen, looking through a strand of film reel. Mike and the 'bots wheel in.]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah! Mike! ''Robots!'' I'm feeling particularly ''evil'', because today's experiment is a stinky, cinematic suppository called ''This Island Earth!'' You may all just bow down before me after this stink-burger! Say, come to think about it, I don't believe you bowed down before me, recently! :'''Mike''': Uh, sure, we have! Last week! :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, no, no. I think that was more of a ''curtsy'' of a bow. So, why won't we all just bow down... ''NOW?'' ''[cuts off life support systems]'' :'''Mike''': Now, see, I don't see the reason why you make us— ''[starts choking]'' :''[Mike and the 'bots start conforming to Dr. Forrester.]'' :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[panicking]'' Bowing, sir! :'''Servo''': ''[*Dialogue speed not understandable*]'' :''[Pleased, Dr. Forrester restores life support systems. Mike and the 'bots get up from the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Okay, Dr. Forrester! Geez! :'''Crow''': What a dickweed! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, Now that we have our little fun, prepare yourself for... oh, but before I start the experiment, uh, did you... y'know... go? :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[dejected]'' Yes... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Because I don't want to have to stop the movie before... y'know... :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': You won't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Then, prepare yourself for ''[[w:This Island Earth|This Island Earth]]!'' ''[pulls a lever]'' :''[*''Movie Sign'' Alarm*]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! We got MOVIE SIGN! :''[Mike and the 'Bots rush to the auditorium, screaming along the way, while the camera treks down through the famous ''Countdown Door Hallway'' that leads to the auditorium.]'' :'''[Dr. Forrester]''': ''[as Mike and the others call out for the Metalunian they were talking with to come back, and Forrester appears on-screen]'' ...Wait, help! Auntie Em, Auntie Em! Surprise, like who '''doesn't''' have an Interocitor, you collective heads of knuckle? Now get back in the theater, you ninny-hammers! And remember: I know who you are, and I saw what you did. Now scat! ''[zaps them with lasers from the Interocitor, while laughing evilly]'' I am the God... I'm the God!! ==== This Island Earth (movie) ==== :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen, as well as a globe-like Earth.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as they enter]'' It's the nicest weather Earth has ever had! :'''Mike''': Notice how [[w:Big in Japan (phrase)|big Japan]] is? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Oh, who sneezed on the credits? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Universal-International credit appears on screen]'' :'''Mike''': Isn't the fact that it's Universal ''make'' it International? <hr width="50%"/> :''["This Island Earth" appears on the screen]'' :'''Servo''': This Island Earth can be yours if [[w:The Price is Right|The Price is Right]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[during the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Boy, the universe is really cruisin'! :'''Servo''': Hey, there's [[w:Taurus (constellation)|Taurus the bull]]! :'''Mike''': And over there's the Constellation Feces. :'''Crow''': Oh, look. [[w:Orion Pictures|Orion]] is bankrupt. :'''Servo''': Shatner, Shatner, Shatner... No, he's not in this one, we're ''safe''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': When in California, be sure to visit beautiful... :''[The words "Washington, D.C." appear on screen]'' :'''Servo''': ...oh. :'''Crow''': ''[as golf announcer]'' It's a long, Par 5 on the way to the nation's capital. :'''Mike''': Washingtonland, the new Disney theme park! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a city with a baseball field being in the middle of the shot.]'' :'''Crow''': Hey! You can see the [[w:Chicago Cubs|Cubs]] losing! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans over a shot of a snow-capped mountain range.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh jeez, there's [[w:Uruguayan Air Force Flight 571|soccer teams laying all over the place!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham's plane, engines out, is coasting in to a crash landing when it is suddenly suffused with a mysterious green glow.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Suddenly I have a refreshing mint flavor. :'''Servo''': Early [[w:LSD|LSD]] tests in the Air Force. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe running towards the Jeep]'' :'''Crow''': Into the Weenie Mobile! WEENIE MAN AWAY! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, through a viewport, we see a rectangular metal slab suspended above a squat, boxy metal coil.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, yeah. This is when science didn't have to have any specific purpose. :'''Dr. Meacham''': Lowering the cylinder. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Inserting the breakfast pastry. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': ''[darkly]'' The secret government Eggo project. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Contact [[w:Aunt Jemima|Dr. Jemima]]! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': God, I love the blueberry ones best. :''[Meacham flips a switch. The toaster-like coil starts to red with heat, and we hear a pinging sound.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Increase the rate of reaction. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Start warming the syrup! :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Yum! :''[Cal and Joe play with some knobs and dials. The "toaster" emits loud grinding noises.]'' :'''Dr. Meacham''': Check rate of radioactive decay. :'''Crow [as Meacham]''': Increase the [[w:Flash Gordon|Flash Gordon]] noises and put more science stuff around.{{hnote|Are you sure about this, Crow? Is this going to apply in other future Sci-Fi films, like ''Star Wars'', of course?}} : . . . :''[At the end of the experiment, the toaster object blows up.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham/Morrison]''': Oh, my God! My waffle! [[w:Hindenburg disaster#Historic newsreel coverage|Oh, the humanity!]] :''[A loud beeping noise follows post-explosion.]'' :'''Mike''': Fries are up! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Here's something my wife could use around the house. :'''Crow''': A man? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': This isn't paper. It's some sort of metal. :'''Crow [as Joe]''': No, sir. That's paper! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Meacham and Joe have just upacked the parts to the [[w:Interocitor|Interocitor]].]'' :'''Servo''': But before unpacking – [[w:D'oh!|D'OH]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': There are 2,486 parts. :''[Joe is stepping around the spread out Interocitor parts. Crow makes a loud crunching sound.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Uh, 485, sir! :''[As Joe walks around the parts, Crow keeps making crunching noises with every step Joe takes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Where do we start? :'''Meacham''': Right here. ''[points towards strange symbol on blueprint.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': At Goofy Clown Face! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': You know what my kids would say... :'''Servo''': ''[interrupting]'' "You're not my real father!" :'''Joe''': "Dig this crazy, mixed-up plumbing!" :'''Meacham''': Plug it in, Joe. :'''Mike''': Doesn't even have any kids. Poor, deluded Joe. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': My name is Exeter. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': ''Doug'' Exeter. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Stand aside, please. You too, Dr. Wilson. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': No, farther ''towards'' the killzone, please! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Yeah, God I'm good! :''[Meacham notices the plug for the Interocetor.]'' :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Dear God, I left the iron plugged in! :''[Meacham rushes over to unplug the Interocetor, which starts sparking, causing him to lose balance. Joe rushes over to help him up.]'' :'''Crow [as Joe]''': Oh, come here, you big, dumb dope! :''[The Interocetor is now ablaze.]'' :'''Servo''': Quick, get the baking soda! :'''Mike''': Boy, the landlady's going to be mad! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': ''[imitates knocking noise]'' Are you boys cooking up there?! :'''Mike''': No! :'''Servo [as landlady]''': Are you building an Interocetor?! :'''Mike''': ''[casually]'' NO! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham pushes a microphone-like [[w:Geiger counter|Geiger counter]] probe toward the interocitor wreckage.]'' :'''Mike [as Meacham]''': Now that you've exploded, any words for our listeners? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Brack enters the scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, [[w:Charlie Rich|Charlie Rich]]! :'''Crow''': He goes through a lot of [[w:Brylcreem|Brylcreem]]. :''[Brack enters the elevator, looking sternly at Meacham and Adams.]'' :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Don't mention his head. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': Dr. Meacham! Good morning! :'''Meacham''': Good morning. :'''Exeter''': Please, come in. Both of you. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': We're glad you could join us at the [[w:Buddy Ebsen|Buddy Ebsen]] society! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Meacham''': What I want to know is... :'''Exeter''': ''[interrupting]'' Who we are.... why we're here. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': And why do I have a picture of a burger on the wall? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adams''': Be careful. Exeter could flatter you to death. :'''Exeter''': The truth is never flattering, Dr. Adams. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': You fine, foxy lady! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Steve Carlson''': Dr. Adams. :'''Ruth''': Yes, Steve? :'''Mike [as Carlson]''': What's this [[w:Gilligan's Island|"and the rest"]] crap? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Exeter and his "team" are having an elegant dinner, complete with music by [[w:Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart|Mozart]].]'' :'''Meacham''': What do you think of Mr. Mozart, Exeter? :'''Exeter''': I'm afraid I don't know the gent— :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien! :'''Exeter''': My mind must have been wandering. Your composer, of course. :'''Meacham''': ''Our'' composer? He belongs to the world. :'''Exeter''': Yes, indeed. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': I'm not an alien. : . . . :'''Exeter''': We won't start cracking the whip on Meacham until tomorrow. :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': [[w:Alien (creature in Alien franchise)|Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat and lay my eggs in your chest — but I'm not an alien!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson looking at sketches of Exeter and Brack.]'' :'''Carlson''': Did you notice the peculiar indentations in both of their foreheads? :'''Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' NO!!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': So, they're going to escape under the cover of afternoon in the biggest car in the county? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham, Adams, and Carlson dive down a road at high speeds.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Elliot Ness|Ness]] and his men speed towards [[w: Al Capone|Capone's]] hideout! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Three Metalunans are seen in the conversion tubes.]'' :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, [[w:A Flock of Seagulls|A Flock of Seagulls]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On board Exeter's spaceship, Cal and Ruth stand on a "conversion" platform.]'' :'''Exeter''': Place your hands above the rails. :''[We hear the sound of static as the scientists' hands are suddenly pulled onto the rails.]'' :'''Exeter''': They're magnetized. :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': And if your hands were metal, that would mean something. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': That's enough. Normal view. :'''Mike, Servo, and Crow''': ''[singing in time with the dramatic music]'' Nor-mal view. Nor-mal view! Nor-mal view! NOR-MAL VIEWWWWWW! <hr width="50%'> :''[We get our first look at Metaluna from orbit – and it's a burned-out, bombed-out husk of a planet.]'' :'''Servo''': What kind of shithole planet ''is'' this?!? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': RUTH! MEACHAM! :'''Servo [as Exeter]''': I LOVE YOU! :'''Meacham''': ''[picks up boulder]'' Stand back, Exeter! :'''Exeter''': Meacham, please! You have to believe me! :'''Mike [as Exeter]''': You're holding a Mutant turd! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exeter''': ''[to the Mutant]'' Stand back. I command you, STAND BACK! :'''Mike''': ACTING! :'''Crow [as Exeter]''': Well, that went well. I can't possibly think of what could go... :''[The Mutant attacks Exeter, Crow mimicks screams of pain.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meacham starts beating on the Mutant's exposed brain.]'' :'''Crow [as the Mutant]''': OH, I'M VERY VULNERABLE THERE! OH, THERE GOES THE PIANO LESSONS! OH, NOW I CAN'T REMEMBER MY DAD! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': Oh, Carl. :'''Servo [as Meacham]''': Uh, Cal. :'''Crow [as Ruth]''': ... oh, Cal. :'''Ruth''': Home... :'''Meacham''': Thank God it's still here. :'''Crow''': [[w:TGIF|And Friday]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[talking about the Puppet Wrangler credit for Mystery Science Theater 3000]'' "Puppet Wranglers"? There weren't any puppets in this movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Rando Schmook" appears in the credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, it's the Amazing Rando! :'''Servo''': Watch Rando the Great construct sets with his very mind! :'''Crow [as Rando]''': Now, we've never met before, have we? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The name "Julie Walker" appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Julie [[w:Walker, Texas Ranger|Walker: Texas Ranger]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credit for [[w:Eastman Kodak|Eastman Film]].]'' :'''Servo''': Eastman: He came out of the east to do battle with the Amazing Rando! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits end with "all rights reserved".]'' :'''Mike''': All rights are reserved, [[w:Dirty Harry|Callahan]]! :'''Crow [as [[w:Clint Eastwood|Clint Eastwood]]]''': Oh yeah? Well, what about the rights of that little girl? == Season 8 == === [[w:Revenge of the Creature|Revenge of the Creature]] === :''[After Professor Bobo explains to Mike and the Bots that they are in the future, human civilization has perished and apes rule the world]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as [[Planet of the Apes (1968)|George Taylor]]]''': A planet where apes evolved from men? :'''Professor Bobo''': Well, it's maybe a little more complicated than that but, that is the rough outline, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': You did it! You finally did it! :'''Professor Bobo''': ''[apathetic]'' "...Damn us all to Hell". Yes, yes. :'''Mike [as George Taylor]''': It's a madhouse! A... :'''Professor Bobo''': ...madhouse. ''I know!''{{hnote|Planet of the Apes reference.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Gill Man makes his somewhat grand appearance, swimming through the lagoon.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Gill Man]''': ''[In time with the dramatic music]'' Here I am! I'm the Creature! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Boy, [[w:Esther Williams|Esther Williams]] didn't age well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The intrepid explorers explode dynamite all over the lagoon to stun the Creature into surfacing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah, ha-ha! The Charlton Heston Fish Locator. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Think anybody at the Rockefeller Foundation questioned the dynamite line-item? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trainer Miss Abbott is working with a chimp named Neil.]'' :'''Miss Abbott''': Now, turn around, Neil. Turn around. Turn around. Sit down. All — right. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miss Abbott]''': And... evolve. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A young Clint Eastwood has a cameo.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's bad. This is his first and last movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Spectators watch as the Gill-Man is brought into the Ocean Harbor aquarium.]'' :'''Crow [as a New Yorker]''': Does he got a ''[[w:penis|thing?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the attempts to revive the creature at the aquarium drag on.]'' :'''Crow''': Everybody's drifting over to the "World of [[w:barnacles|Barnacles]]" exhibit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scientists Clete and Helen are testing the Gill-Man's intelligence, which for some reason involves the liberal use of a cattle prod.]'' :'''Servo''': Jeez, the [[w:Josef Mengele|''Mengele'' Institute for Marine Research!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the deputized posse closes in on the Creature, the police captain radios his men.]'' :'''Police Captain''': Remember your instructions. The professor is in command from now on. You take orders from him! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Police Captain]''': The Ichthyology Department of the State U has declared martial law! === [[w:The Leech Woman|The Leech Woman]] === :''[Regarding the splotchy pattern behind the movie's opening titles]'': :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rorschach test|Rorschach test]]. :'''Mike''': I see a lot of spilled ink congealing in random patterns. :'''Servo''': That means you're a sexual predator. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nurse Sally listens as Old Malla explains to endocrinologist Paul Talbot how she's lived past 140.]'' :'''Malla''': When we are alone, I will speak. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Dr. Talbot]''': Well, we kinda are alone. Nursie isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Neil Foster''': Mrs. Talbot, I know this is painful, but it's one of those things that have to be done when you plan a divorce. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': You have to be married. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The jungle explorers trudge through stage sets of Africa, interspersed with stock footage of jungle animals.]'' :'''Crow [as Guide]''': Well, we'd better camp here tonight. The next stock footage is 18 miles away. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A stock-footage lion approaches the party, who raise their guns in fear.]'' :'''Crow [as Lion]''': Um... [[The Lion King|hakuna matata]]? : . . . :''[The party finds a small, empty shipping crate in a clearing.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I see — it's a three room Japanese apartment. <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Teri shuts Neil out of her room suddenly, and Sally enters the house]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': I realize now what a horrible lie our engagement has been. I frankly feel very disgusted by the thought of- oh hi honey. :'''Sally''': I don't think an explanation will help. Do you wanna try? :'''Servo [as Neil]''': Nah, let's go get a burger. :'''Neil''': No I- I don't. :'''Mike [as Neil]''': I left you some gum in the car... :'''Neil''': I had a drink with Teri and took her bags upstairs. :'''Servo [as Neil]''': There was a bushman in the luggage and he attacked. :'''Neil''': ''[defensive]'' Look, her aunt's an important client and good friend! I- I couldn't just run out! Now don't start imagining things... ''[Sally walks away]'' :'''Crow [as Neil]''': This is the fifties, why am I explaining things to a woman? Get in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lawyer Neil proposes to Teri, who's wearing a silvery dress.]'' :'''Neil''': Teri... would you marry me? :''[Teri pulls away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Neil]''': Uh... uh... I withdraw the question. :'''Teri''': Oh, Neil — I can't. :'''Servo [as Teri]''': Starfleet forbids it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many "African" scenes.]'' :'''Mike''': Sadly, this tribe of extras no longer exists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A hard-boiled detective lazily investigates the house.]'' :'''Crow''': This guy's gonna die of nonchalance. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': This is like a murderous episode of ''[[w:The Lucy Show|Lucy]]''. === [[w:The Mole People|The Mole People]] === :''[The film begins with an introduction from Professor [[w:Frank C. Baxter|Frank C. Baxter]] of the [[w:University of Southern California|University of Southern California]].]'' :'''Baxter''': This is science fiction of course. It's a fiction, it's a fable. :'''Mike''': It's a fabulous funny freak-out. :'''Baxter''': But I think if you study this picture and think about it, when it's over... :'''Crow''': You'll feel dirty. :'''Baxter''': You'll realize that this is something more than just a story told. :'''Servo''': It's a story botched. :'''Baxter''': It's a fable with a meaning and a significance for you and for me in the 20th century. Thank you, and goodbye. :'''Mike''': Peanut nostrils happy clams. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits scroll out of a huge crater]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Mt. Pinatubo erupted yesterday, spewing movie credits all over the Southern Hemisphere. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Bentley and his crew find a suitable camping site on the summit of Mt. Kuitara]'' :'''Bentley''': We'll make camp here! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot (MST3K)|Crow T. Robot]]''': Then we'll dig our graves over there! === [[w:The Deadly Mantis|The Deadly Mantis]] === :'''Crow''': ''[after Mike had accidentally caused the destruction of the future ape-ruled Earth]'' [[w:Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope|I felt a disturbance; as if millions of monkeys suddenly cried out and then were silenced]]. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[mournfully]'' Yes; the Earth has been destroyed. :'''Mike''': ''[as Movie Sign blares]'' No, even '''worse''' than that; we've got Movie Sign! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': For every action... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': There is a [[w:Action_Jackson|Jackson]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a review of North American defense monitoring stations.]'' :'''Narrator''': Another radar fence stretches across the long, unfortified border between the United States and Canada... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Narrator]''': Canada, our mortal enemy. :'''Narrator''': ... the Pine Tree Radar Fence. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Narrator]''': The natural radar of pine trees protects our northern borders. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans by Greenland on a map.]'' :'''Crow''': You know what? Screw you Greenland! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A volcano erupts.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Menard's Guy]''': It's a magma flow of savings at [[w:Menard's|Menard's]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Dr. Jackson gets a phone call]'' :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': This is Dr. Jackson. ... General Ford? :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': General Tennessee Ernie Ford? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': ... Yes. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Well, try lancing it. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': I see, General. Of course sir, I'll be right over. :'''Mike [as Dr. Jackson]''': General wants another foot massage. :'''Marge Blaine''': Everything alright? :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Of course. :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': They just demoted me to the gift shop. :'''Marge Blaine''': Well, it isn't every day the Pentagon calls you. :'''Crow [as Dr. Jackson]''': It is so! :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Very nosey. :'''Marge Blaine''': Okay, be mysterious. :'''Mike [as Marge]''': I'll just hang up your coat, and hate you. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': Well, if I tell you, you'll keep it a secret? :'''Marge Blaine''': Hope to die. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': They found an old bone up at the north pole. :'''Crow''': ''[as Marge says nothing]'' Mrs. Bert Lahr. :'''Dr. Nedrick Jackson''': The Pentagon wants to know to whom it belongs. ''[leaves]'' :'''Servo [as Dr. Jackson]''': Oh, and we've been invaded by Spain, and mermaids are real. Bye! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A museum guard salutes Dr. Jackson]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, you don't need to salute the paleontologist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]'' :'''Crow''': Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with [[w:premature ejaculation|dishonorable discharge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rather effeminate-looking General Ford explains to the media that the mantis is real]'' :'''General Ford''': I want to say at the outset that, contrary to rumor and certain newspaper headlines... :'''Crow [as Ford]''': I'm not gay! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Col. Parkman]''': But I've got a mantis in my pantis. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the 'bots are lost travelling through deep space. They're trying to use the radio, only to find out that all of the radio stations are all country music stations.]'' :'''Servo''': Are we in the Southern portion of the Galaxy? === [[w:The Thing That Couldn't Die|The Thing That Couldn't Die]] === :''[The black and white Universal logo appears]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': In weather today, the oceans turned black! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with the title: ''The Thing That Couldn't Die''.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': The [[w:Strom Thurmond|Strom Thurmond]] Story! :'''Mike''': ''Couldn't'' die or ''wouldn't'' die? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Shouldn't? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jessica demonstrates her dowsing talent by telling the guests where to find Linda's missing watch.]'' :'''Jessica''': You can find the watch in a trade rat's nest. :'''Servo''': A trade rat? :'''Jessica''': Look at the base of oak tree beside Linda's cabin. :'''Servo [as Jessica]''': …in Maine. :'''Mike''': You know, the country needs skilled trade rats. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda puts the found watch up against her ear.]'' :'''Mike [as Linda]''': The rats put in a new crystal! :'''Linda''': It still runs. :'''Servo [as [[w:John Cameron Swayze|John Cameron Swayze]]]''': John Cameron Trade-Rat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, Gordon gives Linda a charm he found near the watch.]'' :'''Gordon''': Here, I polished this for you. We found it in the trade rat's nest. :'''Mike [as Gordon]''': He had a little tool and die shop down there. :'''Servo [as Gordon]''': I think I got most of the rat droppings off it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Flavia hears a noise outside the window.]'' :'''Flavia''': What's that? :'''Crow''': Eh, it's just those trade rats working the night shift. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Boyd the ranch hand slouches around.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Oklahoma (musical)|There's a thick yellow stain on my back brace!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The final shot of the movie, a zoom in on Jessica's necklace and cleavage, fills the screen.]'' :'''Crow''': The whole movie was leading up to ''this'' shot. :'''Mike [as Announcer]''': Brought to you by the Breast Council. :'''Servo [as Announcer]''': Buy breasts where you work or bank! === [[w:The Undead (film)|The Undead]] === :''[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie! :''[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits list Roger Corman as the film's director.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': That's it, we're doomed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie opens with a flamboyant Satan speaking to the viewers.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Satan, the Prince of Cabaret. : . . . :'''Mike''': This guy was never in heaven, he was cast out of community theater! : . . . :'''Servo''': Peter Pan, Antichrist. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus is hypnotizing Diana. A bust of Benjamin Franklin looks over his shoulder.]'' :'''Quintus''': We breathe as one. We are one. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Franklin]''': You know, early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. :'''Quintus''': When I touch you… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Quintus]''': [[w:I Touch Myself|I think about myself]]. No, no, no, wait. :'''Quintus''': …we will be one. :'''Servo [as Quintus]''': We'll be me, for convenience' sake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Smolkin grabs a clearly modern shovel.]'' :'''Servo''': Apparently there were Hardware Hanks during the middle ages. :'''Mike [as [[w:Ray_Szmanda|Ray Szmanda]]]''': Gettest thou a cemetery full of savings at Menards! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Smolkin the gravedigger slouches around.]'' :'''Servo''': Smolkin's naked sometimes, Mike. :'''Mike''': ''[cringing]'' Ohh. Damn you, Servo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A knight demands to look inside a coffin in a coach being pulled by a gravedigger.]'' :'''Servo [as Knight]''': Towest thy vehicle to the curb and showeth me thy driver's license and registration. Did thou knowest how fast thou was driving? <hr width="50%"/> :''[a knight confronts Smolkin]'' :'''Knight''': Do you jest with me, gravedigger? :'''Smolkin''': Again, I cannot say- I am mad; and therefore cannot tell a jest from a joust. :'''Mike''': ''[of Smolkin]'' Digs graves and plays with your mind! ... :'''Crow''': ''[as Smolkin]'' And would thoust get me a '''''[[w:Mad (magazine)|Mad Magazine]]'''''? :'''Servo''': ''[as Smolkin]'' I have to watch '''''[[w:Mad About You|Mad About You]]''''' tonight! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Satan explains to Quintus how he cannot return to his own time.]'' :'''Satan''': Thy voyage to this age was down a long, long road… :'''Crow [as Satan]''': Route 666! :'''Satan''': …that tied Diana to Helen. It was a road from living mind to living mind. :'''Mike [as Satan]''': …to sleeping audience. : . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as Satan laughs]'' [[w:Star Wolf (TV series)|You're stuck here!]] :'''Satan''': Here you are fixed! Make of a local life what comfort, sport, and joy thou may. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen"]'' O-ho, tidings of comfort, sport, and joy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Quintus sets upon and subdues an unprepared knight.]'' :'''Mike [as Knight]''': ''[in stilted "medieval" grammar that parodies the knight's own dialogue]'' Me help! Attacked I am being! Hitting me stop you must! God dear! Bleeding am I! Break my leg think I did you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Helene expounds on the dilemma facing her:] :'''Mike''': I've never known more about what ''isn't'' going on in a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Quintus''': STAAY!! === [[w:Terror from the Year 5000|Terror from the Year 5000]] === :''[Two scientists are looking at a statue of unknown origin.]'' :'''Scientist 1''': Now ''there's'' an interesting sample! :'''Crow''': Now ''there's'' an interesting line read! :'''Scientist 1''': What is it? :'''Scientist 2''': Don't know yet. :'''Servo''': Remember, when making a dramatic film, be sure to use genuine actors. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Claire''': I thought scientists were great explorers of the unknown. :'''Dr. Hedges''': I'll do my exploring in the laboratory, if you don't mind. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': I get my kicks above the waistline, sunshine! {{hnote|A line from the song ''One Night in Bangkok'', from the musical Chess.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': All these random scenes simply abut each other to form a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claire takes a reluctant Dr. Hedges to a pier after answering about two dozen stupid questions from him.]'' :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': Now what's going on? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': Who's that other guy? :'''Crow [as Hedges]''': Where are we going? :'''Mike [as Hedges]''': What is this fluid under my feet? :'''Servo [as Hedges]''': What happened to the day-ball? :'''Crow''': Let's chip in and buy this movie a light. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the creek bottom, Bob Hedges finds the chest containing the dead cat.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! They whacked [[w:Toonces|Toonces]]! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, he killed a [[w:mafia|made]] canary, so they had to do 'im. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Erling''': Think, Bob. Throughout human history, what has been the first activity of explorers of any new region? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Hedges]''': Genocide? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Hedges]''': Slavery? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hedges]''': Diseased blanket spreading? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bob Hedges, Claire, and her father have some time to kill while waiting for Victor's test results.]'' :'''Hedges''': Is there a good movie in town? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[snorts]'' Now we get to watch people watching a movie? What is that all about? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh heh heh! :''[Mike and Crow consider what they're saying.]'' :'''Mike, Crow''': Oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Victor packs a suitcase and leaves the house]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Victor/Joe Buck]''': [[Midnight Cowboy|I'm goin' to the city to be a stud.]] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please! That's a hideous thought. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This is the same sumptuously detailed set that was later used in ''[[w:The_Age_of_Innocence_(film)|The Age of Innocence]]''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Or was it ''[[w:Sense_and_sensibility_(film)|Sense and Sensibility]]''? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': I think it was ''[[w:Barfly_(film)|Barfly]]''. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, that's it. === [[w:The She-Creature|The She-Creature]] === :''[To keep the Observers at bay so Pearl and Bobo can escape, the Nanites place a Number 7 move on the planet below]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, what's a Number 7? ''[the planet explodes]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, you blew up '''another''' planet! What is your deal? :'''Mike Nelson''': I just told them to take care of a little problem! :'''Crow''': And they did! Here comes Mike- Destroyer of Worlds! :'''Servo''': Oh God of Fire and Vengeance... stay away from me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the carnival, Lombardi talks about his assistant Andrea with Johnny the barker.]'' :'''Barker Johnny''': I knew her when she was a carnival follower. Every time we'd hit a town, she'd be there, waiting for us. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So she's a carnival ''preceder''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Erickson chats with Andrea, who noticeably fills out her tight-fitting top.]'' :'''Erickson''': Maybe we could talk about it over a cup of coffee. :'''Andrea''': I'd like that. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Erickson]''': Would you like a C cup or a D cup of coffee? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi hypnotizes Andrea back to her "Elizabeth" former life. Fellow hypnotist Erickson (played by Lance Fuller) questions her.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Erickson/Fuller]''': My first question: will I get the part in ''[[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|This Island Earth]]''? :'''Erickson''': What year is it, Andrea? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Elizabeth]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Year of the Cat (song)|The year of the cat]]. :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': 1618, the Year of Our Lord. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Elizabeth/[[My Fair Lady|Eliza Doolittle]]]''': In 'artford, 'ereford, and 'ampshire. :'''Erickson''': Who is the reigning monarch? :'''Andrea/Elizabeth''': [[w:James I of England|James]] [[w:James Stewart (actor)|Stuart]]. :'''Mike [as [[w:It's a Wonderful Life|George Bailey]]]''': Now, wait a second. You're crazy, and you're driving me crazy, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lombardi forces King the dog to back away simply by staring at him.]'' :'''Lombardi''': There aren't many who can control an animal by hypnosis, are there, Doctor? :'''Erickson''': No. :'''Lombardi''': He did what I told him without a single word. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': That's because he's a ''dog''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Dr. Erickson looks out over the beach, large flipper-like footprints appear mysteriously in the sand.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[gasps]'' Donald Duck has the [[w:One Ring|Ring of Power]]! :... :'''Crow''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] goes snorkeling! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A poster for Dr. Lombardi's show features a picture of him, serious and unsmiling]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': See his lecture series, "Let A Smile Be Your Calling Card." <hr width="50%"/> :''[The creature has just mortally attacked Lombardi as blank-faced Dr. Erickson looks on:] :'''Mike [as Erickson]''': Well, mmm, gosh, I, mmm... Hmm. Uh... :... :''[Erickson continues to emote incomprehensibly:] :'''Crow''': Fear? Elation? What is it? :... :'''Crow''': Despair? Love? Joy? Tell us! :... :'''Crow''': Concern? Passion? Hunger? What, Lance? :... :'''Crow''': Ennui? Angst? Apathy? ''Gas?'' :... :'''Servo''': Cold? Jubilant? Headache-y? :'''Mike''': His emotional memory is the previous scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Man, if ever I wanted to put a movie into a stump grinder, this is the one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[stinger; Bobo lies on the floor of the Camping Planet, in pain from the crash landing]'' :'''Bobo''': ''[weakly]'' Ow; my spine. Ow... === [[w:I Was a Teenage Werewolf|I Was a Teenage Werewolf]] === :''[As Michael Landon's name appears in the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[singing to the ''Bonanza'' theme]'' We got a film, and it's starring Michael Landon... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And the 35-year-old high school students look on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, played by Michael Landon, has just punched someone. His friends look on in shock]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Tony]''': But I thought I had a right to pick a little fight, [[w:Bonanza#Theme song|Bonanza]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony takes Arlene home in his sweet ride of a 1950s convertible.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': If I were a bug, I'd be proud to smash into that grill. Yep. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leaving the party, first victim Frank walks home through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Frank]''': ''[muttering]'' "I'm okay. I don't need a ride." What was I ''thinking''? It's like 47 miles! :'''Crow [as Frank]''': I'm probably pretty tasty and well-marbled—not something I've often thought of. : . . . :'''Servo''': ''I was a Teenage Werewolf Snack.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony has finished yelling at Arlene for asking an innocent question]'' :'''Mike [as Arlene]''': ...and I like you ''because''...? :'''Tony''': I'm sorry, Arlene. I don't know why I act like this. :'''Crow [as Arlene]''': Because you're a jerk? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a ''high school!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf approaches a high school gymnast as she practices.]'' :'''Crow''': Time for your compulsory Being-Eaten routine! : . . . :''[The dark-haired gymnast screams in terror.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Judy Garland|Judy Garland]] runs out of pills. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The werewolf prowls the woods during an amazingly bright night.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, they couldn't shoot at night because the night belongs to Michelob. :'''Mike''': I thought the night belonged to love. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it did, but it was bought out by Michelob. === [[w:The Giant Spider Invasion|The Giant Spider Invasion]] === :''[First lines of the movie]'' :'''Man''': Sheriff! :'''Sheriff [Played by [[w:Alan Hale, Jr.|Alan Hale, Jr.]]]''': [[w:Gilligan's Island|Hey, little buddy!]] :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan walks out of his "lady friend" Olga's house before she stops him.]'' :'''Olga''': Wait, you forgot your back brace. :''[Mike and the 'bots all react with utter revulsion as Kester drops his pants, exposing red long underwear.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': Ugh, he's pink! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I don't know how, but I think I just became sterile! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[cheering]'' Go spiders! Go spiders! Go go spiders! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev and Dan struggle in the wind from a meteorite strike on their land.]'' :'''Servo [as Dan]''': Why, I hope that bomb didn't land on our pile of tires and our busted refrigerator in the yard, and the rusted chassis of our '68 Impala! :. . . :'''Dan''': What the [expletive deleted] hell was that? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Dan]''': Why, it's befuddlin' mah dumb cracker mind! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Repeated line]'' :'''Servo, Mike, or Crow [As various people in the mob]''': [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing Dan's car, with its Ford lettering facing the camera.]'' :'''Crow''': Like a Rock! {{hnote|This was actually the slogan for Chevrolet pickups.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scene opens in Ev and Dan's pitch-black kitchen at night.]'' :'''Servo''': Actually filmed inside the thumbhole of a bowling ball. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Dan begins chasing sister-in-law Terri around the kitchen table after threatening to spank her.]'' :'''Mike''': And the movie ''ramps'' up the revulsion! :'''Crow''': This movie hates us, doesn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After interminable redneck hijinks, the film cuts to astronomer Dr. Jenny Langer in a laboratory.]'' :'''Crow''': A showered person... thank God! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dan is trying to find out if the stones he found are diamonds]'' :'''Ev''': Diamonds are supposed to cut glass. :'''Crow''': Yeah, they're supposed to, but they're too damn lazy! :'''Dan''': ''[walks toward window]'' :'''Servo''': Too bad all their windows are made of plastic wrap and duct tape! :''[Dan scratches a crude "$" into the window]'' :'''Crow [as Dan]''': [[w:Aryan Nation|...Aryan...Nation]]...rules... :'''Dan''': ''[excited]'' Will you look at that!? :'''Mike [as Dan]''': ''[excited]'' I made a [sic] "R"! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A visibly shaken Dan stumbles back into the kitchen after discovering a mutilated corpse in the backyard.]'' :'''Ev''': You look like you could use a drink. :'''Servo [as Ev]''': And a shower, and a job. :'''Dan''': I found another body... :'''Mike [as Ev]''': Well, good, 'cause yours is gettin' kinda gross. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As yet another unappealing rural Wisconsinite is harrassed by a giant spider.]'' :'''Mike''': I'm starting to wish that the South would rise again and crush the North. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ev opens a dresser drawer and an assortment of puppet spiders pop their legs out of the drawer.]'' :'''Mike [as Spiders]''': We're your dirty socks! Wash us! :'''Crow''': Giant ''Puppet'' Invasion! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Drs. Vance and Langer climb a hill, only to discover the giant spider, its spindly, furry legs akimbo.]'' :'''Servo [as Spider]''': Please — consider my legs when cleaning your pipe! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A restless mob begins to form with the intent of taking out the giant spider.]'' :'''Crow [as a mob member]''': Free [[w:Bobby Seale|Bobby Seale!]] :'''Servo [as a mob member]''': [[w:Free Mumia|Free Mumia!]] :'''Mike [as a mob member]''': Free beer! . . . :'''Mike''': ''[as another mob member]'' No more schools; more hockey arenas! . . . :'''Sheriff''': ''[observing the mob from a distance]'' They're hell-bent on destroyin' that thing! :'''Crow''': ''[as a mob member]'' We're hell-bent! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I'd like to say a few words. Uh, this guy's dead, the end. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as more townspeople fall victim to the giant spiders]'' And yet, [[w:Bill Rebane|Bill Rebane]] escapes unharmed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as the film credits roll]'' You know, when Barbara Hale won her Oscar, she gave a very touching speech where she said- to effect- "VAAAAANCE!!". <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[urging Bobo to fight back against the alien pods]'' You're the only one who can do it; you're a magnificant mountain gorilla. You are Bobo- son of Koko! :'''Bobo''': Yes- yes! '''And''' heir to the great lineage of [[w:Saru No Gundan|Godo]], Mogo and [[w:Speed Racer|Chim-Chim]]! ''[springs into action with an invigorated roar]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bobo''': I saved you and the whole galaxy! Aren't you proud? :'''Pearl''': You mean they watched the movie, and I didn't get to watch them watching the movie? Bobo, get rid of my [pod clone] body. Brain guy, send them the movie - ''again.'' :'''Mike, & The Bots [over the credits]''': MOVIE SIGN! AGAIN! === [[w:Parts: The Clonus Horror|parts: the clonus horror]] === :''[Voices are heard whispering and muttering.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, I think the voices in my head are a little louder than usual. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The crowd cheers wildly at Senator Knight's campaign rally.]'' :'''Mike''': Hooray for the '70s! :'''Crow''': [[w:Shaun Cassidy|Shaun Cassidy]] for President! :'''Servo''': We want [[w:Billy Beer|Billy Beer]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card reads 'parts: the clonus horror']'' :'''Crow''': Apparently [[w:e. e. cummings|e. e. cummings]] wrote it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': Oh, I don't think this is headed toward a happy ending. :'''Mike''': Y'know, at this point any ending would make me happier than I've ever been. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's opening credits list Dick Sargent.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Dick Sargent|Dick Sargent]]. Didn't he play [[w:Dick York|Dick York]] on ''[[w:Bewitched|Bewitched]]''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two bare-chested male clones are competing in Greco-Roman wrestling.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Guide]''': This is not ''sanctioned'', gentlemen. You are doing this on your own… <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard chat by a campfire.]'' :'''Lena''': I like it. It gives me time to write. :'''Richard''': Write? :'''Lena''': Yeah, I write my thoughts and my ideas. :'''Crow [as Lena]''': I've already filled a [[w:Post-it note|Post-it note]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clones Lena and Richard wake up the next morning after a night of sex beside a campfire and, thanks to camera positioning, it looks like Richard's crotch is smoking.]'' :'''Crow:''' Wow, she really WAS on top of Ol' Smokey! :. . . :''[Later, David picks up a book]'' :'''Mike [as David]:''' ''Crotch Fires and You''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Clone Richard searches through some top-secret files.]'' :'''Mike [as Richard/[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|Winston Smith]]]''': Whaddya know — we ''aren't'' at war with Eurasia! : . . . :''[Richard reads a file written in a careful, round cursive.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Thanks to Miss Taylor's fourth-grade class for transcribing our secret clone notes! : . . . :'''Mike [as Richard]''': Black helicopter… [[w:Roswell UFO Incident|Roswell]]… [[w:Area 51|Area 51]]… [[w:Waco Siege|Waco]]… [[w:Coca-Cola formula|formula for Coca-Cola]]… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jake''': This place you keep talking about, Clonus... :'''Servo [as Jake]''': Is there a bar? :. . . :'''Jake''': Professor, you know that tape will blow the lid off of everything? :'''Crow [as Jake]''': Speaking of, where's the bathroom? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rick Knight confronts his brother Jeff about an incriminating videotape.]'' :'''Rick''': You knew about the tape, didn't you? :'''Jeff''': Yeah. You saw the tape? :'''Rick''': Yeah, and it's scary. :'''Crow [as Rick]''': [[w:Adam Sandler|Adam Sandler]]'s in it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie's closing credits scroll, Servo riffs on Peter Graves's brother James Arness.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Peter Graves|Peter Graves]]]''': "[[w:James Arness|James Arness]]: Ugly and Stupid". Tonight on [[w:Biography (TV series)|Biography]]. === [[w:The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies|The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies]] === :''[As the show opens, the Bots are doing [[w:Walkathon|walkathons]].]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Uh, what about you, Servo? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, I'm walking for "Helping Children Through Research And Development". :'''Mike''': Oh, HeCTRAD! Yeah, I think I've heard of that group. It's a good group. :'''Servo''': No, actually "HELPING CHILDREN THROUGH RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT" is the ''acronym'', Mike. It stands for "Hi, Everyone. Let's Pitch In 'N' Get Cracking Here In Louisiana Doing Right, Eh? Now Then. Hateful Rich Overbearing Ugly Guys Hurt Royally Everytime Someone Eats A Radish, Carrot, Hors d'oeuvre, And Never Does Dishes. Eventually, Victor Eats Lunch Over Peoria Mit Ein Neuesberger Tod". <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits show a man's face decaying into a zombie's face.]'' :'''Mike''': The shroud of [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]]. :. . . :'''Servo''': Face is the result of slash and burn shaving. :'''Mike [as zombie]''': You'd tell me if my face was disintegrating, right? :'''Servo''': He's turning into a brisket. :'''Crow''': It's a portrait of [[w:Bob Dole|Bob Dole]]'s inner child. :. . . :'''Crow''': He's turning into a seed sculpture from the state fair. :. . . :'''Crow''': [[Tom Petty]] in the morning. :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, seaweed makes a perfectly acceptible toupee. :''[Cut to a toy clown laughing.]'' :'''Mike''': Ah, good old-fashioned nightmare fuel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the music in the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': The organ has emphysema. :. . . :'''Mike''': Come hear [credited as music] Libby Quinn play the organ with her feet. :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the "[[w:Libby's|Libby's]], Libby's, Libby's on the Label, Label, Label" jingle]'' If it says Libby's, Libby's, Libby's, in the credits, credits, credits, you won't like it, like it, like it... :'''Mike''': The music's gonna break into "[[w:Chest Fever|Chest Fever]]" any minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lounging with friend Harold, Jerry rejects the idea of work.]'' :'''Jerry''': The world's… here to be enjoyed, not to make you depressed. That's what work does, Harold—it makes you feel... ''depressed''. :'''Mike''': ''[[w:Highlights for Children#Goofus & Gallant|Goofus and Gallant]]'', the movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jerry''': How's college? :'''Madison''': Fine. You should try it some time. :'''Jerry''': No thanks. The world's my college. :'''Crow''': He's taking it pass-fail. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zebra-striped dancers move in formation to a oddly "[[w:Silent Night|Silent Night]]"-like tune.]'' :'''Mike''': You know, the 14-year-old boys who snuck in with fake IDs, they gotta be feeling profoundly ripped off at this point. :'''Crow''': Yep. :'''Servo''': The "Feliz Navidad" dancers. :. . . :'''Crow''': Now, were these dance numbers supposed to be provocative or merely boring? :'''Mike''': Well, provocative in their boringness? :. . . :'''Mike''': Hair-trigger precision. They're like the [[w:Blue Angels|Blue Angels]] of dancing. :'''Servo''': Yeah, one wrong move and they all ''crash''. :'''Crow''': There's something ''Laverne & Shirley''-esque about this. :. . . :'''Servo''': ''Riverdance'': The strip show! :'''Mike''': Ah, halftime at the Orange Bowl. Never fails to disappoint. :. . . :'''Mike''': So how is this a tribute to Madeline Albright? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Carmelita performs]'' :'''Crow''': Joel Grey, ladies and gentlemen. :'''Servo''': Isn't that the guy Danny Bonaduce beat up? :'''Mike''': Watch as she walks around. :'''Crow''': You know, Noam Chomsky should pick better warm-up acts. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Carol and dancers are performing "Shook Out of Shape". Mike and the Bots sing their own words.]'' :'''Mike [as Carol]''': First blade lifts, the second one cuts. You get your… :'''Mike, Crow [as Chorus]''': [[w:Schick (razors)|Schick]] out of shape! :'''Servo''': Now, everybody— shave! :'''Crow''': Replace your blade every two weeks! :'''Mike''': No nicks or cuts! Comfort and convenience! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Confused, acid-scarred Jerry is being tossed around in the surf.]'' :'''Servo''': [You know] how some movies inspire you to make your own movie? This one inspires me to make my own ''gravy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jerry and Harold discuss Jerry's girlfriend's mother]'' :'''Jerry''': Her mother doesn't like anything. Especially me. :'''Harold''': Well, if you get a job or something, she might change her mind, you know? :'''Jerry''': ''[shocked]'' ''Job''? :'''Servo [as Jerry]''': I'm a respected neurosurgeon! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After seeing who played Madison]'' :'''Mike''': Madison is, Madison. :'''Crow''': Drunk played by himself. Hobo, himself. Stripper, herself. === [[w:Jack Frost (1964 film)|Jack Frost]] === :''[Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''':[[w:Jack Sprat|...could eat no...frost.]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ladies and... Gypsy! Michael Nelson IS... '''''LORD OF THE DANCE'''''! :'''Gypsy''': Oh!... did the other one die? :'''Crow''': I dunno... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[after Mike finishes a display of dancing]'' Oh... Um, yaaay! Well, there's this sink I need to take a look at, so I'll just... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Stepmother forces Nastenka to knit outside in the night]'' :'''Stepmother''': Here's a place where you can knit, Nastka, and you won't wake my darling, little Marfushka. The moon is out, there's plenty of light. :'''Mike [as the Stepmother]''': [[w:Chernobyl disaster|Chernobyl]]'s on fire, it's great! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka has to knit some socks before the sun rises.]'' :'''Mike''': So, the first plot point involves knitting socks. I think we're in for quite a ride, guys! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As two characters command a house to turn from one side to another]'' :'''Crow''': Come to Knott's Berry Farm and ride the unstable house. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl returns from dropping off the Space Children, finding Bobo and Brain Guy debating over which ape movie is better: [[w:Every Which Way But Loose|Every Which Way But Loose]] or [[w:Any Which Way You Can|Any Which Way You Can]] ] :'''Pearl''': What the hell is going on here? Thinking ''Every Which Way But Loose'' is the best ape movie... what do you know about ape movies? The best ape movie- '''the''' best ape movie- ever is ''[[w:Dunston Checks In|Dunston Checks In]]''; end of story. ''[adresses the Satelite of Love, unaware Mike is behind her]'' Until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! :'''Mike''': Uh, I'm right here. :'''Pearl''': Oh... ''[turns around to face Nelson]'' ...until next time, Nelson, fresh pain awaits! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Russian names are on the screen.]'' :'''Mike''': These names are all Russian for Alan Smithee. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Stepmother''': ''[after telling Nastenka to knit socks outside]'' They better be done by the time the rooster crows, you hear me? Otherwise, I'll tear your braid off! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka, singing]'' M is for the many times you beat me... O is for the other times you beat me... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The sun rises. Nastenka runs to address the horizon.]'' :'''Nastenka''': Have mercy, rosy-fingered Dawn! Have mercy on me, o rising golden Sun! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Sun]''': And you are…? :'''Nastenka''': Wait 'til I'm done knitting these stockings! Otherwise I'll be punished severely. Stepmother said she would tear off my braid. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Sun]''': ''[beeps]'' This is the Sun. Your call is very important to us, but due to unusually high call volume… :''[The sun obligingly reverses itself and sinks below the horizon.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, the world's thrown into chaos — earthquakes, floods — but that's ''fine''; you knit your ''sock''. : . . . :'''Nastenka''': Thank you, rosy-fingered Dawn! :'''Mike [as Mafia don]''': Some day you'll return the favor... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pans to several different chickens calling.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': This is a test of the [[w:Emergency Broadcast System|Emergency Broadcast Chicken]]. :'''Servo''': Man, [[w:Saint Peter#Denial of Jesus|Peter]] must be walkin' around denyin' everybody this morning. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan plays hide-and-seek with the gnomish Father Mushroom.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Frodo Baggins|Frodo]] gets drunk and screws with his neighbors. : . . . :'''Crow''': If Disappearing Elf Hide-and-seek were in the Olympics, Finland would be in great shape! <hr width="50%"/> :''[To prevent Ivan from killing a mother bear, Nastenka turns a bucket over his head. Father Mushroom then casts a spell. When the bucket is removed, Ivan has been turned in to a bear.] :'''Ivan''': Nastenka! :'''Servo''': It was her bucket full of [[w:Minoxidil|Rogaine]]. :'''Ivan''': What's the matter? :'''Crow [as Ivan]''': Am I un-''bear''-able? <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan realizes he was turned into a bear]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' Damn it, [[A Midsummer Night's Dream|Puck]]! This time you've gone too far! :'''Ivan''': What did you do to me? What have you done, you witch?! :'''Mike''': ''[as Ivan, crying and running off]'' Mommy!! :'''Servo''': ''[as Ivan/Yogi]'' [[The Yogi Bear Show|I have to go find a pic-a-nic basket]]! :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka! :'''Crow''': ''[as Nastenka]'' We have to register at Club Wed! :'''Nastenka''': Ivan, I swear I didn't do anything to you! :'''Ivan''': ''[angrily]'' I curse you! I curse you forever; you witch! :'''Servo''': Tonight on a very special [[w:The Life and Times of Grizzly Adams|Grizzly Adams]]. :'''Mike''': ''[as Nastenka]'' Every time I meet a man, he's either gay or a bear! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ivan''': ''[lamenting over the loon he shot which led him to Nastenka, after he has been turned into a bear]'' I killed you with an arrow, and you ruin me with a feather! :'''Crow''': ''[as Ivan]'' It's funny when you think about it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The flowers Nastenka was watering quickly grow and resemble fiber-optic cables.]'' :'''Crow''': The [[w:KGB|KGB]] has her under surveillance! <hr width="50%"/> :''[after Ivan begs Father Mushroom to be told how to undo his curse]'' :'''Father Mushroom''': Alright, listen; vagabound with the head of a bear: just look at yourself and ask... :'''Servo''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Do I crap in the woods? :'''Father Mushroom''': ...how did you live? You see, you spent all your time boasting about yourself. You loved yourself; '''only''' yourself. You offended everyone else. :'''Crow''': Heed these words, Mike. :'''Father Mushroom''': Consider Nastenka; you hurt her feelings. :'''Ivan''': I hurt her feelings?! :'''Father Mushroom''': You've never done a good deed, Ivan. Now here's what you must do, take my advice: :'''Mike''': ''[as Father Mushroom]'' Shave! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom disappears in a cloud of smoke.]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa! [I] didn't think they had many landmines left in [[w:Narnia|Narnia]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The evil stepmother makes up her own daughter Marfushka to look like a [[w:Matryoshka doll|Matryoshka doll]].]'' :'''Stepmother''': Nope! Not a princess. :'''Servo''': She's got that healthy clown glow. :'''Marfushka''': Oh, no? :'''Stepmother''': You are a ''queen''! :'''Mike''': In that you look like [[w:Freddie Mercury|Freddie Mercury]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[as a crowd of people show up mocking Marfushka as she is stuck in a duck pond]'' And the Freelance Shame Squad is there! . . . :''[later the group returns and the camera focuses on a blond-haired boy in the crowd]'' :'''Servo''': It's a young Mike Nelson! :'''Mike''': ''[offended]'' Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Father Mushroom is seen observing Ivan from a distance]'' :'''Servo''': Mushroom Guy is really starting to piss me off! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Hunchback Fairy/Baba Yaga has placed Ivan on a wooden server and is preparing to put him in her oven.]'' :'''Ivan''': Look, Hunchback Fairy, I'm sorry! :'''Fairy''': Are you afraid? :'''Ivan''': Well, it's just that I've never been pushed into an oven, and it's the first time I've ever sat on a shovel! :'''Mike [as Ivan]''': ...the flat part, anyway. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the Hunchback Fairy offers to lead Ivan to Nastenka, as she pulls out a pig-shaped sled and enchants it]'' :'''Fairy''': ''Foul is fair, and fair is foul...'' :'''Servo''': ''[as sled]'' Oink, ma'am. :'''Ivan''': What's that? :'''Fairy''': Oh, a fast sleigh that glides through snow; fast, fast as the wind blows, moves by itself over the snow to the place where Nastenka lies. ''[throws the sled into the snow as it swiftly takes off with Ivan giving chase]'' :'''Servo''': She left it in drive. :'''Fairy''': ''[calling out to Ivan, chuckling]'' Look out for my sheepskin coat; it's almost new! Don't forget to bring it back to me! :'''Crow''': Bring it back to me... ha ha, that's great! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, the premise of this movie is that everyone is just nuttier than all get-out? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandfather Frost appears and demonstrates his power by spreading snow and frost through the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' Eat lead, spring! :'''Crow''': ''[as Grandfather Frost]'' I do frost, and I do it well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nastenka accidentally touches Grandfather Frost's sceptre]'' :'''Frost's Voice''': Whoever touches my sceptre...will never wake up again. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well maybe it should be stored a little more safely! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Nastenka's stepparents are in their home, someone offscreen announces an arrival...]'' :'''Random Unknown Voice''': Look who's here! :'''Servo''': Thank you, Anonymous Voice! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan and Nastenka arrive and bow deeply to greet her family.]'' :'''Crow [as Nastenka]''': We spit on your doorstep! :'''Servo''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Crow''': ''Ptui!'' :'''Mike [as her hectored father]''': Please take me with you, please, please... :'''Nastenka''': I'd like you to meet... :'''Servo [as Nastenka]''': Uh, what's your name again? :'''Nastenka''': Ivanushka, my fiance. :'''Crow [as Ivan through a forced smile]''': I can't look at them, honey; they're horrible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka confronts Grandfather Frost while lost in the woods]'' :'''Marfushka''': Bring on my fiancé, and give me a dowry; a great big dowry... ''[shoves Frost to the ground]'' ...and make it quick! :'''Crow''': ''[as Marfushka]'' You stuttering frosted freak! :'''Frost''': H-help! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Marfushka returns to her home in a sled being pulled by pigs.]'' :'''Crow''': It's a three-pig open sleigh! :'''Servo''': On [[w:Charlotte's Web|Wilbur]]! On [[w:Gordy|Gordy]]! On [[w:Babe (film)|Babe]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The scruffy bandits return to seize Ivan and Nastenka.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:"It's" man|It's…]] :'''Mike''': It's… :'''Crow''': It's… a convention of [[w:Michael Palin|Michael Palin]] imitators! : . . . :'''Servo''': They're singing about controlling their nose hair. : . . . :'''Crow''': It's the [[w:Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937 film)|Seven Dwarves]]! Filthy, Rotting, Lousey, Skanky, Scabby, Septic and… Doc. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the bandits' cudgels Ivan threw into the air earlier in the movie come back down and hit the bandits on the head, as one of them lets out a genuinely pained groan after getting hit]'' :'''Crow''': Ooh! This isn't funny; he actually got hurt, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ivan snaps the Hunchback Fairy's broom over his knee]'' :'''Hunchback Fairy''': My broom! I'm a witch and I can't move without it! :'''Crow''': Well, maybe you should have diversified more! === [[w:Gemini Man (TV series)|Riding with Death]] === :''[In the middle of a WWI-style war, or some sort of battle, after Mrs. Forrester is hit.]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ''(panting)'' Oh, great! Just what I need! :'''Bobo''': Medic! Medic! :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': ''[enters wearing nurse's outfit]'' Here I am! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Brain Guy? What the hell is...your...deal? :'''Observer''': My race is pacifist and does not believe in war. We only kill out of personal spite. We will, however, administer humanitarian aid. ''(begins attending to Forrester's wound)'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': ...what's that smell?! :'''Observer''': Oh! Mustard gas! :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Mustard gas! Get the masks! :'''Bobo''': Oh, no, that's just me; I ate a whole jar of Plochman's with my knishes for lunch. :'''Observer''': Good god, ape... :'''Mrs. Forrester''': That's it, we're pulling out! :''[Clanking sound is heard]'' :'''Observer''': Hand grenade! :'''Bobo''': Grenade! I'll save you! ''[throws Observer to the ground; the grenade goes off right near him]'' :'''Mrs. Forrester''': Bobo, Brain Guy, quit farting around and get in the van! Okay, Nelson, we need air support an we need it fast! :'''Observer''': ''[looks up]'' It's a good thing I don't have a body... ''[flops back down]'' :''[Back on the SOL, Mike Nelson is pouring baking soda into a bomb casing while Crow and Servo watch]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': Sure, no problem; I used to make these babies in junior high school, out of vinegar and baking soda... :'''Crow''': I-is that too much baking soda, Mike, or— :'''Mike''': ''[ignoring Crow]'' ...and high school, now that I think of it. And college, too. Got...got expelled for that... :'''Servo''': D-definitely too much baking soda, Mike. :'''Crow''': Just a little too much. :''[Crow makes a small "Whoa..." as Mike pulls out a much larger box of baking soda and filling the bomb casing with it]'' :'''Mike''': And for that temp job I worked on, too...until that one guy in receiving got me fired... :'''Crow''': Heh, Mike, Mike, honey...the baking soda— :'''Mike''': ''[again ignoring Crow]''It was just a little prank, but he had to rat out on me, didn't he? Oh, well, I guess some people are just like that... :'''Servo''': So! Bombs away, Mike! :'''Crow''': Okay, Mike! Bombs away! :'''Mike''': Oh! Right... ''[Mikes walks away with the bomb as Crow and Servo cheer]'' :'''Crow''': Bombs away, Mike! :'''Servo''': Bombs away! ''[to Crow]'' Hey, I heard you can make a bazooka out of PVC tubing and a used diaper. :'''Crow''': Is that so? :''[Mike reenters without the bomb]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, okay! Hee-hee-hee... :'''Mike''': There you go, Mrs. Forrester, a little distraction... :'''Crow''': A little distraction! :''[Mike and the Bots laugh, and then a huge explosion goes off, knocking the bots off Mike's workstation.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[gets back up]'' Okay... Few things, Mike. First, uh, well, you blew up another planet, obviously; what's that, three for you now? :'''Servo''': Think so... :'''Crow''': And, second, uh—ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR STUPID, ROTTED SKULL, YOU DUMB MAN?!{{hnote|That's the third time Mike's destroyed a planet!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the gang enters the theater, the Universal Pictures logo appears.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Imitates the theme to "The Jetsons", then a space car]'' :'''Mike''': Universal, except for you, [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]. :'''Crow''': You know, the Earth's thinks it's so great. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah. It thinks the world revolves around itself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the title appears]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, the [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] story. :'''Crow''': And believe me, Death does not pony up for gas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the opening credits]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Is there such a thing as ''starring'' Ben Murphy? Isn't it more honest to say that most of the time the camera is ''pointed'' at Ben Murphy? :. . . :'''Crow''': Starring rejects from Harry-O. :. . . :'''Servo''': If [[w:Clu Gulager|Clu Gulager]] isn't in this, it'll be very wrong. :'''Mike''': [[w:Anthony Zerbe|Anthony Zerbe]], come on! Please, please, please, please! :. . . :'''Servo''': Ah, that's who's playing John Hiller this time. :. . . :'''Servo''': Aw, Steven Bochco? Does this mean we have to see Dennis Franz's hairy butt cheeks? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Ah, that gooey [[w:Los Angeles|LA]] sky. :'''Mike''': Birds? Nope. All dead. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]'' :'''Mike''': The world's most difficult math test. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Driscoll is explaining security procedures surrounding a secret shipment while incessantly cleaning his glasses. '''Servo''' makes glass-wiping noises throughout.]'' :'''Mike [as Driscoll]''': What is ''on'' these things? :'''Driscoll''': The operation to deliver will begin at precisely oh-five-hundred hours when an Army convoy will depart the laboratory. But... :'''Crow [as Driscoll]''': I have to clean my glasses first. :'''Driscoll''': Due to the security breach, and just between the four of us... :'''Servo [as Driscoll]''': My glasses are filthy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A nametag-wearing mechanic sabotages Sam's truck and watches him leave, wearing a vaguely menacing expression.]'' :'''Servo [as Mechanic]''': ''[evilly]'' They don't call me ''"Karl"'' for nothing. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': So, how does cutting my brake lines help the shocks? Eh, I'm not the mechanic! <hr width="50%"/> :<span id="CrowSyndrome-RwD">''[Truckers Sam and "Buffalo Bill" attempt a dangerous tandem braking maneuver.]''</span> :'''Sam''': Alrighty, I'm coming up on your mudflaps at 67. :'''Crow''': "Coming up on your mudflaps." People have such cute names for sex. :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Ma' well-oiled chassis is comin' up on yer backside, now. :'''Servo [as Sam]''': My rigid grill structure is bearin' down on yer unprotected cargo door. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': My oft-complimented Peterbilt is rhythmically nudging that sweet honey pot of yours— :'''Mike, Servo''': Ugh—Crow! : . . . :''[Sam and Buffalo Bill have completed the maneuver and are easing into a town.]'' :'''Mike [as Sam]''': Drained and satisfied, I'm tracin' lazy circles on yer' supercab now. :'''Crow''': You said ''I'' was bad. :'''Mike''': You inspired me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buffalo Bill jumps up and down, whooping and cheering excitedly.]'' :'''Crow [as Buffalo Bill]''': ''[[w:The Dukes of Hazzard|Dukes of Hazzard]]'' got renewed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Denby and "Cupcake" Tina watch, Sam dumps unconscious Buffalo Bill out of the car and rejoins the race.]'' :'''Mike [as Denby]''': Cupcake! Get [[w:Twinkie|Twinkie the Kid]] and [[w:Hostess|Fruitpie the Magician]]! === [[w:Agent for H.A.R.M.|Agent for H.A.R.M.]] === :''[The opening credits, and the crew are speculating on the source of H.A.R.M.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh, that stands for Huge Angular Red Marshmallows. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hirsute [[w:astronauts|Astronauts]] Revile [[w:Massachusetts|Massachusetts]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Heuristic Analog Rental Meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam Chance karate-chops a piece of wood while a beautiful female student watches.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Adam]''': Solid [[w:Balsa|balsawood]], baby! : . . . :''[After tumbling with the woman and firing into a target, he shows her the deadly results.]'' :'''Adam''': This could've been you, and don't you forget it! Better go back to the [[w:judo|judo]] range. :'''Mike''': The judo ''range''? : . . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Adam]''': Meet me at the [[w:karate|karate]] [[w:rink|rink]] later. : . . . :''[Adam turns to his pupil as he leaves on a motorcycle.]'' :'''Adam''': Judo range! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Adam]''': Then go practice your [[w:Skeet shooting|skeet]] [[w:kendo|kendo]] and bring your [[w:aikido|aikido]] [[w:rifle|rifle]], too. :'''Mike [as Student]''': Gotta get into my judo [[w:bikini|bikini]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam:''' I'm not leaving until I get the answers, do I make myself clear? :'''Servo [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' Ah, let me review... you're going to leave right now, because you can't get the answers. :'''Dr. Stefanik:''' Yes. You've made yourself quite clear. ''[Walks away.]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Stefanik]:''' I'll go get the cot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Adam''': You think you can't get hurt, Doctor, because this is America? Apple pie and all that jazz? :'''Crow''': And hula hoops and dungarees? :'''Adam''': Well, my job is to keep the apple pie on the table, and nobody asks me how I do it! :'''Mike [as Dr. Stefanik]''': I'll just need an hour to figure out your metaphor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike returns to the theater after choking Bobo within an inch of his life.]'' :'''Crow''': Mike, why were you choking the monkey? :'''Mike''': Because Bobo is such... HEY!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After a lip-lock with Adam, Ava invites him for a moonlight swim.]'' :'''Ava''': Are you coming, or do I swim alone? :'''Crow [as Adam]''': Yes, and yes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow records a video-testimony for Mike's trial]'' :'''Crow''': This thing on? Okay. Hi! I'm Crow T. Robot and I'm here to tell you that Mike Nelson is innocent. Mike Nelson is 200 % ''[bleep]''ing not guilty. And if you ''[bleep]''s don't ''[bleep]'' find him innocent, then you can just ''[bleep]''ing kiss my fat ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. And that ''[bleep]''ing goes for your bull''[bleep]'' court system, too! Mike, I'm so ''[bleep]''ing sorry I couldn't ''[bleep]''ing be there for this ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''y really bogus trial, man. But let me ''[bleep]'' tell ya something, Nelson. If I was there, I'd ''[bleep]''ing kick everyone's fat stupid ''[bleep]''ing behinds and then cram it up their ''[bleep]''ing ''[bleep]''. Anyway, Mike, buddy, I hope this ''[bleep]'' helps. Take care, Mike. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Ava is hurriedly packing her suitcase, Adam enters the room]'' :'''Mike''': Here's the wind up.... :''[Adam smiles smugly to himself]'' :'''Mike''': ...and ''there's'' the smarm! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': He maintains an applicance. Duh-dah DA DAAAAAAAAA! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Adam faces down an oncoming plane on his motorcycle.]'' :'''Mike [as Adam]''': Stop! Or your propeller will grind me to hamburger! :'''Servo''': Stop! Or I'll Agent for H.A.R.M. you! === [[w:Planet Prince|Prince of Space]] === :''[The opening title of the movie shows: Prince of Space.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Prince (musician)|I'm in space already! Damn!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children's family is discussing an exploration mission to space while eating dinner.]'' :'''Mother''': The first cosmic exploration rocket will be launched from this base. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ...the dining room? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The TV shows an obvious toy spaceship while a voice blares through the set.]'' :'''Spaceship''': Attention, people of Earth! Attention, people of Earth! This is Krankor Exploration Force speaking! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Crank whore? :'''Spaceship''': Do not be alarmed! Stand by for an important message! Stand by for an important message! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as TV Advert. announcer]''': Veterans cannot be turned down! : . . . :'''Crow [as Mickey]''': That's a toy I wouldn't mind having! I like it ''very much''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Phantom's announcement, the movie cuts to a newspaper printing press.]'' :'''Crow [as Headline]''': Krankor: Nothing to Worry About. :'''Mike [as Headline]''': [[w:Truman Capote|Truman Capote]] Sent to Fight Krankor. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Camera focuses on the alien ship's 'periscope'.]'' :'''Crow [as periscope]''': I am the lemon zester of destruction! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': A rare Godzilla-free day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We hear a barking dog running past]'' :'''Servo [As dog, with Japanese accent]''': Rufforu! Bow-a-wow! :''[A police car drives past in the same direction]'' :'''Mike''': ''After that dog!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Krankor's henchmen blaze away at Prince of Space, who ducks out of the way despite having repeatedly claimed he's immune to their weapons.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': Your guns are useless, but scare the crap outta me anyway. :. . . :''[The Prince of Space leaps and bounds daintily out of the way of the weapon fire.]'' :'''Crow [as Prince of Space]''': I have no powers, but I can skip reasonably well! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space's and the Krankorians' spaceships trade cheesy beam weapon effects.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': An exchange of deadly [[w:Negative (photography)|negative]] scratches! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an abandoned building, Phantom threatens some children to flush out the Prince.]'' :'''Phantom''': Listen! Show yourself! Otherwise, we're going to kill some di— ''[movie skip]'' —ren! :'''Mike''': "Kill some ''diffren''"? :'''Servo''': "Diffren"? :'''Prince''': I hear you! Come in here! I'm waiting for you! Leave the children alone! :'''Crow''': You hear that, [[w:Jerry Seinfeld|Jerry Seinfeld]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Japanese Air Force pilot reports to his CO.]'' :'''CO''': Ah, Captain Manikata. Come in, please. :'''Mike [as CO]''': I understand you're [[w:Manicotti|stuffed with cheese]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Prince of Space's ship narrowly dodges an attack, obviously being held by wires.] :'''Mike [as Prince of Space]''': Swing me over there, trusty string! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The chicken-men's spaceship, which looks rather chicken-ey itself, flies about, terrorizing the people in the street.]'' :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Set whole fryers to stun! :'''Mike''': The upper half of a [[w:Edward Hopper|Hopper]] painting. :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Oh! A giant roast chicken! :'''Crow [as Citizen]''': It is brown on the outside, tender and juicy on the inside! :'''Mike [as Citizen]''': It is not fermented, pickled, or raw! Run! :'''Servo [as Citizen]''': Ohhhhh! :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Potatoes or stuffing?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Phantom witnesses Prince of Space invading his headquarters.]'' :'''Phantom''': What a fool! :'''Servo [as Phantom]''': He has defeated us numerous times, what makes him think he can do it again? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[on the Prince of Space]'' His power apparently lies in his choosing incompetent enemies. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Wally''': Mr. Tannen! Hey, Mr. Tannen! :'''Mike [as Wally]''': [[w:Tannin|Get out of my wine!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Phantom''': Now, gentlemen, your time has come. Prepare to leave Krankor. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What's that? :'''Phantom''': Prepare to leave. Each of you will enter a space capsule. :'''Dr. Cummings''': What!? :'''Servo''': For cryin' out loud... '''EACH! OF! YOU! WILL! ENTER! A! SPACE! CAPSULE!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Phantom is hiding behind the door as Prince of Space bursts in; Phantom quietly exits.] :'''Mike''': The easily-bamboozled Prince of Space. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Speaking of the monster which guards Krankor:] :'''Phantom''': Quite right, my dear Macken. A monster which I created. He obeys my slightest command. :'''Crow [as Phantom]''': Like, "Wander around aimlessly and gain weight." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince of Space has survived a thermal trap.]'' :'''Prince of Space''': Enough of this! When will you ever learn your guns won't work on me? :'''Phantom''': Shoot him! :'''Mike [as henchman]''': Brilliant new plan, sir! === [[w:The Horror of Party Beach|The Horror of Party Beach]] === :''[The opening titles are accompanied by surf rock]'' :'''Servo''': A-hehehehe! [[w:Wipe Out (instrumental)|Horror!]] :'''Crow''': Yeah, the only horror at Party Beach is Cindy's cheese dip! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a driving scene]'' :'''Mike''': Nude driving: a new fad among the teens. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the "Additional Dialogue by" credit]'' :'''Mike''': What is "additional dialogue", anyway? :'''Crow''': Oh, things like "Hey you!", "Get off that!", and "Why not?" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Sturgis: a city on the move! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I bet that would be good with drawn butter. Of course, I'd eat my own ''head'' with drawn butter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a t-shirt and Speedo-type swimwear jumps into the frame, sickening Mike and the 'bots]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Men should ''not'' have bikini areas! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young beachgoers perform the "Zombie Stomp" dance]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]]''': I'm starting to agree with the [[w:Taliban|Taliban]] militia: dancing should not be allowed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The guitarist of the band sings while rolling his eyes back into his head]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': MY SKULL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A baggy-eyed monster with a head fin and hot-dog-like mouth protrusions emerges from behind a rock]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa! A creature whose face is 80% eyebag. :'''Servo''': So, radiation has a sense of humor! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the beach, the biker-gang leader fights lean Hank]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Biker/Johnny Mathis]''': ''[singing to "[[w:Chances Are (song)|Chances Are]]"]'' :: Chances are :: That I'll kick your scrawny ass... :. . . :''[Eventually, the gang leader relents and offers Hank his hand]'' :'''Mike [as Gang Leader]''': You have defeated me, sir; you and your noble band of choreographers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eulabelle''': It's a human thing, Dr. Gavin! :'''Crow [as Eulabelle]''': You wouldn't understand! :. . . :'''Dr. Gavin''': Nothing is solved in a few hours. This will require a lot of research. :'''Eulabelle''': And while you're researching, there's something creeping and crawling and lurking around out there. :'''Dr. Gavin''': That's enough! :'''Mike [as Dr. Gavin]''': You're scaring me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The monsters attack an all-girl [[w:Sleepover|slumber party]]]'' :'''Mike''': [They] don't even know what panties are, yet they feel ''compelled'' to raid. :'''Servo''': Every male of ''any'' species has the biological urge to [[w:Panty raid|panty-raid]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A grocer's sign in the background reads "Look [[w:nail polish|Polish]]"]'' :'''Mike''': Wait— "Look [[w:Poles|Polish]]?" :'''Servo''': Huh? :'''Mike''': It's—it was right there in the shot is was somethi—''see?'' It says "Look Polish"! :'''Servo''': "Look Polish"! :'''Crow''': Or maybe it's "Look! Polish!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Gavin, daughter Elaine, and others are examining a severed monster arm when they hear a noise]'' :'''Elaine''': ''[whispering]'' I hear something. :'''Servo [as Elaine]''': ''[whispering]'' He's coming! Look Polish, everyone! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': What are we looking at and why are we looking at it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The time of day has been changing]'' :'''Servo''': Uh, meanwhile later yesterday afternoon, I guess ... . === [[w:Devil Doll (film)|Devil Doll]] === :'''Tom Servo''': ''[to Mike]'' Have you seen Crow? :'''Mike Nelson''': Oh yeah, he's getting into that whole dorm fantasy thing. :'''Servo''': Oh, drunk, abusive and getting all morose about... :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[offscreen]'' DEBBIE!! :'''Mike Nelson''': Debbie, right; that's it. :'''Crow''': ''[offscreen]'' Debbie, D-D-D-Debbie, I... urghn! ''[punches window back into packaging with the shattering of glass heard]'' :'''Servo''': ''[wincing]'' Oh, please, say that was a lamp! :'''Mike Nelson''': Uh, it was probably just a lamp. :'''Crow''': ''[crying]'' Debbie! Debbie, I need ya, baby! I can't handle it. Debbie, I punched the window in for you, baby. You've gotta take me back, Debbie! Debbie! :'''Servo''': He punched in my window, Mike! He carefully unpacked it, then he punched it in! :'''Crow''': I did it for Debbie! Let me drive over there! I don't care! :'''Mike Nelson''': Listen, Crow, you're not drunk, you don't live in a dorm, and you don't know anybody named Debbie. :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' I don't care! Debbie! Let me go! :'''Servo''': ''[also sobbing]'' My windoooowww! :''[some time later]'' :'''Mike Nelson''': There, there, Crow. :'''Crow''': Debbie... :'''Mike Nelson''': Say, have you ever considered a fantasy where you're happy and successful? :'''Crow''': I think I like the Debbie one better. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl and Observer/Brain Guy attempt to liven up a gathering in Roman times with a toga party, before deciding on another approach...]'' :'''Observer''': Pants party! :'''Emperor''': ''[as crowd whoops and cheers]'' These are remarkable, and '''''vastly''''' superior to our own apparel! :'''Pearl''': ''[sighs]'' Ah; that's better. . . . :''[later as the two are guests at a gladiator match]'' :'''Emperor''': ''[greeting the crowd]'' Citizens, if you haven't already noticed- I'm wearing '''pants'''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera cuts to Hugo in the back seat of a car as it drives along.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' I'm driving with my ''mind!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': [[A Hard Day's Night (film)|Am I a mod or a rocker]]? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[to the other robots]'' You know, if it weren't for rock n' roll, ventriloquy would've been huge. :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli, while the audience claps at the end of a show]'' Thank you halfway-houses and geriatric wards! :'''Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Thrill as he doesn't talk and I don't move my lips! :'''Mike''': ''[audience continues applauding]'' Keep clapping, and he might never get to his act! :''[Vorelli leaves the stage with Hugo and his assistant]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Hugo]'' That sucked! Even '''I''' didn't believe I was talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Scene: An exterior shot of a boring office building in England]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh! "Federated Incorporated Industries Limited". :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Modern architecture—efficient and beauty-free. :''[Later in the same shot]'' :'''Crow''': Meanwhile, at Stifle-Joy Co.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English makes a phone call, slowly dialing a [[w:Rotary dial|rotary phone]]]'' :'''Servo''': So, how many hours have rotary phones added to movies over the years? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli on stage with a volunteer]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm going to suggest to this man that his life is in danger... :'''Servo''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Then I'll be right back. :'''The Great Vorelli''': That he may die at any moment. :''[The Great Vorelli turns to the volunteer]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as the Great Vorelli]'' Your life is in danger and you may die at any moment. THANK YOU! <hr width="50%"/> :''[the camera zooms in on Vorelli's face and the color inverts as it focuses on his eyes]'' :'''Servo''': ''[of Vorelli]'' A Scotch egg! No, wait; that's his face. :'''The Great Vorelli''': ''[to the volunteer]'' You told me that in China, you once saw a man executed in the streets. :'''Mike''': [[w:The Manchurian Candidate|The Manchurian Ventriloquist]]! :'''The Great Vorelli''': I want you to imagine you are in his place. :'''Crow''': ''[sighs]'' Why so negative? . . . :'''Crow''': ''[as Vorelli continues speaking to the volunteer in excessive detail of his situation]'' Should we really call '''''this''''' the "Wacky Fun Time Revue"? . . . :'''All''': ''[as crowd]'' Hooray; more! :''[Vorelli snaps his fingers to break the volunteer out of his tense stupor]'' :'''Mike''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Hey; pay attention! :'''Crow''': ''[as crowd claps]'' Ha ha; we love your cruelty! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On stage, ventriloquist dummy Hugo performs with The Great Vorelli]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Well, Hugo, what are you going to do to entertain the audience tonight? :'''Hugo''': Anything you say, my dear Vorelli; except that kind of thing. :'''The Great Vorelli''': What do you mean? :'''Hugo''': Simply that you are laughing while I am talking. :'''The Great Vorelli''': And what's wrong with that? :'''Hugo''': Oh, it's an old ventriloquist trick; they're all doing it now, it's corny. :'''The Great Vorelli''': Perhaps we can show the audience a variation of it then. :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Min-wax, Hugo? :'''Hugo''': ''[noticing Vorelli drinking a glass of wine]'' Give me some wine. I want some wine. :'''The Great Vorelli''': A dummy? Drinking wine? :'''Crow T. Robot''': ''[as Vorelli]'' Spodie-odie? :'''The Great Vorelli''': Don't be ridiculous! :'''Hugo''': I want some! Give it to me! I know what wine is! I've had wine before. I want some wine! Why shouldn't I have some wine? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[as Hugo]'' [[w:A Charlie Brown Christmas|All I want is my fair share! All I want is what's coming to me!]] :'''The Great Vorelli''': You are a dummy, Hugo. :'''Crow''': ''[as the audience claps]'' The Puppet-Haters' Club will be right back! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During Vorelli's act, Hugo gets up and crosses to the refreshment table, where Vorelli is eating ham.]'' :'''Crow: '''[as Hugo]'' You think ''he'' likes ham? Wait 'til you see ''me'' like ham! <hr width="50%"/> :''[German dancer and former Vorelli assistant Mercedes tells the two reporters about the original Hugo]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': This time- Hugo- you are going to die. :'''Crow''': ''[as Mercedes]'' At this point, t'ere were some warning signs... ... :'''Mercedes''': He did not move for t'ree months — just lay there and... looked at the ceiling. Then... he died. He died. :'''Mike''': ''[as Mark]'': Did he live? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli holding a knife looking at Hugo in the cage]'' :'''The Great Vorelli''': Hugo... :'''Mike [as the Great Vorelli]''': Have you been shaving your legs with this again? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Great Vorelli is seducing a woman in direct line of sight of his dummy]'' :'''Mike''': [as Hugo]'': Please cover my cage... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mark English (played by [[w:William Sylvester|William Sylvester]]) is sleeping]'' :'''Servo''': You know, [[w:Stanley Kubrick|Kubrick]] saw this scene and said "We found our [[w:Heywood Floyd|Heywood Floyd]]!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hugo sits in his cage while The Great Vorelli answers the door]'' :'''Hugo''': [[w:Dog Day Afternoon|Attica! Attica!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as Hugo in Vorelli's body]'' I'm sweaty because I was choking a puppet. Ah, no no, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[as the film ends]'' Hugo the Dummy was arraigned in Superior Court, County of Los Angeles; in a moment, the results of that trial. === [[w:Invasion of the Neptune Men|Invasion of the Neptune Men]] === :''[Dr. Tibana examines a sample under a microscope]'' :'''Tibana''': So, then—the Rogi-Pani Complex. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': The "Roji-Panty Complex"? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo & Crow [as the Neptune Men]''': HA. HA. HA. HA. Your costume is ridiculous. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In an extremely poorly staged fight scene, Space Chief goes through an elaborate display of martial arts as the Neptune Men stagger around awkwardly and tumble to the ground.]'' :'''Servo''': That guy just fell down, for cryin' out loud! :. . . :'''Crow''': They're being defeated by a wispy bachelor. :. . . :''[The Neptune Men retreat into their ship.]'' :'''Crow [as Space Chief]''': Aw c'mon, I wanna jump around while you fall down more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men approach Earth]'' :'''Mike''': Shoot at Earth all you want, just ''get [[w:Bill Maher|Bill Maher]]''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Neptune Men demolish Tokyo]'' :'''Servo [as the Japanese]''': Oh, let's call our friends [[w:Korea under Japanese rule|the Koreans]]! Oh, oh no—[[w:Russo-Japanese War|the Russians]]! Well, no. [[w:Nanking Massacre|The Chinese]]! Oh, well, I guess not. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men endlessly strafe Tokyo]'' :'''Mike''': I never thought I'd say it, but suddenly ''[[w:Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]'' seems a richly-nuanced movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': To be dead... to be nothing... to watch Neptune Men no more! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After about 20 minutes of scenes depicting the kids running around a military base]'' :'''Crow''': So whatever happened to Space Chef? :'''Mike''': That's "Chief." :'''Crow''': ''Chief'' Chef? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Y'know, Space Chief should try going into ''space'' sometime! :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's more like Lower-Atmosphere Chief. :'''Mike''': Barely-Off-The-Stupid-Ground Chief. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The attack on the city includes stock footage of a building with a giant picture of [[w:Adolph Hitler|Hitler]] being blown up]'' :'''Crow''': ''[royally confused]'' What the...? :'''Servo''': They took out the Hitler Building!!! Where is everyone going to see Hitler memorabilia? :'''Crow''': All the Hitler rides and games! The Hitler salt and pepper shakers! :'''Mike''': The great restaurant "The Bunker"! It's gone! You sons of... :'''Crow''': [[w:Planet_of_the_Apes_%281968_film%29|They blew it up!]] :. . . :'''Crow''': Say, Mike—was there a Hitler Building where ''you'' grew up? :'''Mike''': Not, uh...no. No. :'''Crow''': Sure? :'''Mike''': ...Yeah. :. . . :''[Another spaceship begins to dive] :'''Crow''': What next? The [[w:Mussolini|Mussolini]] Mall? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Followed by the [[w:Pinochet|Pinochet]] Petting Zoo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nearly a full 8 minutes after "Space Chief" joins the battle, the "spaceships" are still diving and firing at each other]'' :'''Crow''': So, d-do either of you guys know any songs about [[w:Stock footage|stock footage]] that would get us through this? :'''Servo''': Oh, I know a song about stock footage! It goes like this: Dih-dih dih dih dih dih... ''[thundering]'' '''''EAT IT, MOVIE!''''' :'''Crow''': Whoa! Whoa! :'''Servo''': ''[still ranting]'' '''TAKE THIS ''STUPID'' LITTLE ''COCKROACH'' OF A FILM, ROLL IT UP ''SOOOOO'' TIGHT, AND THEN ''RAM IT RIGHT UP YOUR''—''' ''[begins sobbing]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Crow tries to hurry along a tensionless countdown:]'' :'''Scientist''': Ten, nine, eight... :'''Crow''': Yeah, yeah yeah yeah, right. One... :'''Scientist''': Seven... :'''Crow''': One. :'''Scientist''': Six... :'''Crow''': One! :'''Scientist''': Five... :'''Crow''': ''One!!'' :'''Scientist''': Four, three... :'''Crow''': '''''ONE!!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Neptune Men's fighter ships strafe the children's car]'' :'''Servo''': Space Chief's off having a couple [[w:Sapporo Brewery|Sapporos]] with [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Godzilla_vs._Megalon|Jet Jaguar]] and [[Mystery_Science_Theater_3000#Prince_of_Space|Prince of Space]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The top of the Neptunian commander's helmet is adorned with a flat plexiglas disc.]'' :'''Crow [as commander]''': Say, has anyone seen my record? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The children approach a small Neptunian probe which has just landed:]'' :'''Servo [as probe]''': Oh, no, you kids again? Is there ''anyone'' else on this planet? === [[w:Space Mutiny|Space Mutiny]] === :''[repeated line]'' :'''Servo (as various characters)''': Did you sign Sherry's card? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike's encyclopedia is a bit behind the times.]'' :'''Crow''': It lists [[w:Hitler|Hitler]] as a "fairly stable veteran of [[w:World War I|the Great War]]." :'''Mike''': Oh, come on, they're not that old. They're fine. :'''Servo''': Oh yeah? It mentions the lightbulb as a "charming theory." :'''Crow''': Yeah! And Congress is spelled with an "f." What is it, Congriff? :'''Mike''': Well, I used them when I was a kid. ''[Blows dust off a volume]'' They seemed fine then. :'''Crow''': The periodic table has ''three'' elements in it, Mike! :'''Servo''': There's a volume for the letter ''epsilon.'' :'''Crow''': There's a mailing address for Macchu Pichu. :'''Servo''': It's got a picture of Stonehenge! :'''Mike''': So? :'''Servo''': Under construction?! :'''Mike''': So, what you high-minded encyclopedia snobs are trying to tell me is, you want a new set. Fine, I'll get you another set. :'''Servo''': Oh, anything that's not handwritten on papyrus will do. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the opening credits the movie's editors are listed one by one]'' :'''Mike''': Passed from editor to editor in a desperate attempt to save it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Raiders attack the shuttlecraft, in scenes lifted from 1978's "[[w:Battlestar Galactica|Battlestar Galactica]]"]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Special effects by [[w:Industrial Light and Magic|Industrial Light and Morons]].{{hnote|Takes us back to good ol' Memory Lane!}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea, wearing a space-age leotard, runs toward the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Lea]''': My ''Buns of Steel'' videos are in there! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]'' :'''Servo [as Jansen]''': But what of the little children and their toys? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Devers''': Whoever did this knew his way around spaceships. :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I agree. :'''Mike [as Jensen]''': I don't know if this helps, but ho ho ho. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan drives into shot in a vehicle marked "ENFORCER"]'' :'''Mike [as Kalgan]''': Hey, you guys, I got my dad's Enforcer for the weekend! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship's engineering crew have decided to join the mutiny, with one exception]'' :'''MacPhearson''': Gentlemen, it seems that we are not all in agreement. :'''Mike''': I disagree! :'''MacPhearson''': Engineer Parsons seems content to spend his remaining years upon the ''Southern Sun''. :'''Chief Engineer''': Then let him do so alone. :'''Engineer Parsons''': This is mutiny! This is treason, which I warn you I must report. :'''Crow [as Parsons]''': I just have to wet myself first. :'''MacPhearson''': Will you allow him to spoil your ambitions for a greater future? :'''Chief Engineer''': We'll not allow that! No! :'''Servo''': The easily led wise council. :''[the assembled engineers grab hold of Parsons, shove him onto the meeting table and beat him up]'' :'''Engineer Parsons''': Let me go, traitors! :'''Mike [as Parsons]''': What I meant was, I totally endorse what you're doing! G-owww! :'''Crow''': Rip his band uniform, then he'll have to pay for it! :'''Servo''': Next, they're going to give him books so they can dump them. :'''Crow''': Death by snicker-snag! :''[the engineers pin Parsons to the floor, and MacPhearson stabs him through the heart with his walking stick] :'''Mike''': I'm going to inflate him to 35lbs! :'''Servo [as MacPhearson]''': Okay, moving on to number three on our agenda, "Sherry's birthday party." :'''MacPhearson''': Are there any other of you that wish to confuse freedom... with treason? :'''Mike''': I'd like to confuse bok choi with cabbage, sir! :'''MacPhearson''': Report to the enforcers' bridge. :'''Servo''': Well, at least it's the rare meeting where something actually got done! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea are arguing about his effort to save someone from the burning shuttlecraft]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, lady! :'''Lea''': Doctor! :'''Ryder''': ''Doctor''. :'''Crow''': ''Doctor'' Lady! :. . . :'''Ryder''': I had to eject! I had no other choice! :'''Servo [as Lea]''': That's ''Doctor'' I Had No Other Choice! :. . . :''[later, Ryder tries to make up with Lea]'' :'''Ryder''': Listen, uh . . . I understand how you feel. :'''Mike''': It's ''Doctor'' Listen Uh I Understand How You Feel. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kalgan pushes a mop-haired engineer off a railing]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, no, the death of [[w:Rick Springfield|Rick Springfield]]! :'''Servo''': [[w:Jessie's Girl|I just wish I had Jessie's Giiiiiiiiiiirl!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea jump into an "Enforcer" (resembling a tiny bowling alley floor-polisher) to chase bad-guy Kalgan]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Herve Villechaize|Herve Villechaize]]'s Death Car. :'''Mike''': Jeez, you could walk on your hands and catch up to the guy! :'''Crow [as Ryder]''': Put your helmet on, we'll be reaching speeds of ''three''! :'''Kalgan''': ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Servo [as Ryder]''': Hit the siren! ''[hums ''Entrance of the Gladiators'']'' : . . . :'''Crow [as Kalgan]''': We need both horsepowers on this thing! : . . . :''[Ryder fires at Kalgan using the Enforcer's side-mounted laser cannons]'' :'''Mike [as Bodyguard]''': I can't go any faster, I'd have to drop the waxing compound! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The [[w:Sting|Sting]]-like Capt. Devers enters the main control room]'' :'''Servo [as Devers]''': ''[singing]'' [[w:De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da|De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to say to you...]] :''[Devers passes Lt. Lamont, who was just killed in the previous scene]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, wait, she's dead! :'''Servo''': Yeah, she's dead! :'''Mike''': She died! :''[Devers sits down with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Capt. Devers''': Commander Jansen? :'''Crow [as Devers]''': I think it was very nice of you to give that dead woman another chance. : . . . :''[Jansen and Devers discuss the report on the space pirates]'' :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': I think they want to drive us into the neighboring constellation. :'''Capt. Devers''': Helveca? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Oh, I love [[w:Helvetica|that font]]! : . . . :'''Cmdr. Jansen''': It's very perilous for everyone on board...we do not make wild accusations...so we keep this Top Classified Secret. :'''Servo [as Cmdr. Jansen]''': Top Super-Duper Maxi-Extreme Ultra Secret. : . . . :''[Devers again walks past the formerly-deceased lieutenant]'' :'''Mike [as Devers]''': 'Kay, look alive, everybod— oh...sorry, Susan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chief engineer MacPhearson hobbles away from a firefight]'' :'''Crow [as MacPhearson]''': [[w:Richard III (play)|A horse! My kingdom for a horse!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Devers''': ''[referring to another character]'' Sir, we both know there's only one man here who's capable of combat. A man who's had training, both physically and mentally. :'''Commander Jansen''': Alright. :'''Crow [as Jansen]''': Fetch me my warrior muumuu. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Commander Jansen''': Captain Devers and I have decided: David . . . :'''Crow''': You're fired. :. . . :''[Ryder shakes hands with Cmdr. Jansen]'' :'''Mike''': We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese. <hr width="50%"/> :''[the crew celebrates Ryder's promotion]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, Sherry's birthday party! Finally! :. . . :'''Mike''': Woooo! We got [[w:ISO 9000#Contents of ISO 9001|ISO 9001]] certified! :. . . :''[Ryder leaves to find Lea]'' :'''Servo''': He's gonna have ''so much sex'' with your daughter. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder heroically heads off to face Kalgan]'' :'''Mike''': There goes a big, brave brick of meat. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea can't bear to watch the events unfolding in the engine room]'' :'''Lea''': I'm leaving. :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea? :'''Mike [as Devers]''': You wanna get me some coffee? :'''Capt. Devers''': Lea! :'''Mike [as Devers]''': Get me some coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lea narrowly dodges Kalgan and Ryder's incoming Enforcers]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Bullfight|Toro! Toro!]] These cars are made by [[w:Toro (company)|Toro!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, a lot of people have compared this to the chariot scene in Ben-Hur? :'''Servo''': Oh? :'''Mike''': Yeah, they usually say something like, "Ben-Hur was really good. This one totally sucked." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder dodges dozens of laser beams fired by Enforcers from about 20' away]'' :'''Crow''': Here's some free advice for the mutineers: ''just stop and '''aim''', you idiots!'' :'''Servo''': Why is he so impossible to hit? Why do they keep missing the slow, giant, ''white'' thing? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Director David Winters favors us with another scene set in a possibly-abandoned boiler room]'' :'''Servo''': Ha ha, good, good, back to the rusting septic system of this '''''FUTURISTIC SPACE SHIP!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kalgan''': I'm going to use this laser on your teeth. It's not unsimilar to ancient dentistry, not that you'd know anything about that. :'''Servo [as Kalgan]''': You're too stupid to know anything about dental history. :'''Lea''': You bastard! :'''Mike [as Lea]''': How dare you insult my knowledge of ancient dentistry! <hr width="50%"/> :''[MacPhearson lays in a drainage tunnel, into which flammable gas is pouring. Ryder shoots the gas, causing it to ignite and burn MacPhearson alive.]'' :'''Servo''': And our brave hero roasts the disabled man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[View on a vertically-mounted keyboard]'' :'''Crow''': Wall-mounted keyboards . . . it must be ''the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryder and Lea kiss at the end of the film]'' :'''Servo''': They married and had a healthy eight-and-a-half-pound pork roast. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Throughout the film, Mike and the Bots discuss alternate names for its muscular hero]'' :'''Crow''': Slab Bulkhead! :'''Servo''': Fridge Largemeat! :'''Mike''': Punt Speedchunk! :'''Crow''': Butch Deadlift! :'''Crow''': Bold Bigflank! :'''Mike''': Splint Chesthair! :'''Mike''': Flint Ironstag! :'''Crow''': Bolt Vanderhuge! :'''Mike''': Thick McRunfast! :'''Mike''': Blast Hardcheese! :'''Crow''': Buff Drinklots! :'''Servo''': Trunk Slamchest! :'''Crow''': Fist Rockbone! :'''Mike''': Stump Beefknob! :'''Servo''': Smash Lampjaw! :'''Crow''': Punch Rockgroin! :'''Mike''': Buck Plankchest! :'''Crow''': Stump Chunkmen! :'''Servo''': Dirk Hardpec! :'''Mike''': Rip Steakface! :'''Crow''': Slate Slabrock! :'''Servo''': Crud Bonemeal! :'''Mike''': Brick HardMeat! :'''Crow''': Rip Slagcheek! :'''Servo''': Punch Sideiron! :'''Mike''': Gristle McThornbody! :'''Crow''': Slate Fistcrunch! :'''Mike''': Buff Hardback! :'''Servo''': Bob Johnson! Oh, wait... :'''Servo''': Blast Thickneck! :'''Crow''': Crunch Buttsteak! :'''Mike''': Slab Squatthrust! :'''Servo''': Lump Beefbroth! :'''Crow''': Touch Rustrod! :'''Mike''': Reef Blastbody! :'''Mike''': Big McLargeHuge! :'''Mike''': Smoke ManMuscle! :'''Servo''': Eat Punchbeef! :'''Mike''': Hack Blowfist! :'''Mike''': Roll Fizzlebeef! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the long end credits, generic 80s music is playing]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, okay Mike, be honest with us. This music kind of really gets your blood going? :'''Crow''': Yeah Mike, this is your music done by ''your'' people, so I blame you for this entire movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, it's just like you to make a movie like this. Geez Mike! :'''Mike''': Hey, I hated it too! What're you picking on me for? :'''Crow''': Well, you were a young guy during the '80s, weren't you? This is your world, admit it. :'''Mike''': Uhhh... :''[The music slows down to a power ballad style]'' :'''Crow''': Okay, now this. This here is the kind of music you get all weepy at at the end of a drunken Friday night, sitting there with your hair all feathered, scarfing down uh, cold potato skins. :'''Servo''': Ahh, your attempt to get little Susie what's-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended in humiliating rejection. So you sit there all mushy and sentimental, reciting to yourself the words to some song by Night Ranger. You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': Yeah, now maybe one homely girl feels sorry for you for a ''second,'' but then she sees how stinking drunk you are and gets disgusted. :'''Servo''': And, and maybe the first chair trombone player from the high school band comes by you know, and he takes pity on you, tries to drive you home and all. Oh but ''no,'' Mike! You wanna swerve home in your cherried-out Dodge Charger! :'''Crow''': Yeah, you wind up wrestling for your keys with the guy, and he drops you - with one punch - and he leaves. And you lie there knowing you got your butt kicked by the leader of the high school band! :'''Servo''': You're pathetic. :'''Crow''': You and your '80s! :'''Servo''': Your ''precious'' '80s! :'''Crow''': You know it would've continued to be the '70s if not for you! :'''Servo''': Yeah! :'''Mike''': All right, all right, that's it, that tears it! :''[Mike attacks Crow and the three begin fighting on the floor]'' :'''Crow''': You want a piece of me! It's go time, '80s man! :'''Servo''': Come on cool-breeze! Ow owie ow don't! :''[After a while Mike sits up]'' :'''Mike''': Wait, wait you guys, wait, this isn't us man. :''[Pause of a second]'' :'''Servo''': Yes it is, you hair-feathering freak! Get him! :'''Crow''': No, no, Servo, he's right, he's right. This movie has us turning on each other! It won't end! These credits just won't end! ''[sobbing]'' :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' It's just like the stupid '80s, they never ended either! :'''Mike''': No no, actually they did end, Tom, there, there, it's okay. See, see there's the copyright, that means it's over. :'''Servo''': ''[sobbing]'' I'm sorry, Mike! :'''Crow''': ''[sobbing]'' Sorry, Mike! :'''Mike''': It's all over, you guys. I'm sorry too. === [[w:Time Chasers|Time Chasers]] === :''[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]'' :'''Servo [as dog]''': ''[talking like [[w:Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]]]'' Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm. :'''Crow''': He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn. :'''Mike''': ''[groaning]'' Oh, Crow. So early, too. :''[The logo fades out]'' :'''Servo''': ''[still talking like Scooby-Doo]'' Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents— :'''Mike''': Okay, stop. :'''Crow''': Cut it out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening title appears over a CGI computer chip]'' :'''Crow''': This is like NFL graphics here. :'''Mike''': ''[imitates the "NFL on Fox" theme song]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, a man flies a propeller plane through some odd visual effects]'' :'''Nick''': Ha-ha! Nick Miller, you are a ''genius''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Nick]''': A crop-dusting ''genius''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick for the first time, as the nerdish hero gets off his plane]'' :'''Crow''': This... is not our star, is it? I will ''not'' accept this as our star, sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see Nick ride his bike through a small town]'' :'''Mike [as announcer]''': Come on down to parallel parking days. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick rides to Martin's Supermarket]'' :'''Mike''': Come to Martin's. [[w:Martin_%28television%29|WHATUP?!?]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick boots up his computer]'' :'''Servo [as the old AOL voice]''': You've got mail... pattern baldness!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the first scene in 2041]'' :'''Mike''': ''[derisively]'' The, uh, future. :''[In a 2041 city, a 10-year-old wearing lime-green pants jogs while talking on a cellphone]'' :'''Crow''': So, in the future, kids become gay agents? :. . . :'''Servo''': So... 50 years from now will be ''3'' years from now... :. . . :''[As Nick, Lisa, and Matt go into a building, a burly-looking woman walks by]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, look—a lesbian... ''of the future!'' :''[Cut to inside, where the camera pans down to a fairly typical food court]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Food courts... ''of the future!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Robertson arrives to meet Nick]'' :'''Mike [as Robertson]''': Hi, I'm Bob Evil! :'''Robertson''': Trust me. :'''Servo [as Robertson]''': Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are trying to escape Robertson's building while also being chased by his guards. They come to a room with two routes; Nick quickly opens the door of one route and he and Lisa go down the other. The guards come in and see the open door of the false route.]'' :'''Guard''': Come on, this way! ''[They run down the false route]'' :'''Mike [as Guard]''': Even though I see them running the other way! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lisa arrives at the airstrip, wearing two kinds of plaid]'' :'''Servo''': ''Two'' kinds of plaid? Boy, I'm a naked robot, Mike, and even ''I'' know that's a fashion no-no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as J.K.]''': I leave for 20 minutes, and EvilCo is in shambles! :'''Crow [as Matt]''': I'm a team player! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dystopian future, an eyepatch-wearing armed survivor leaps atop a smashed car for a better shooting angle]'' :'''Mike [as Gunman]''': Arrgh! [[w:Dead Man's Chest|Sixteen men on a dead Dodge Dart!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The alarm makes a beeping noise similar to a large vehicle in reverse]'' :'''Servo''': Great, now the garbage truck's backing up! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick and Lisa are shown together in the new, dystopian future]'' :'''Servo''': I hope they end up together... at the bottom of a well torn apart by animals!! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': The movie really heightens the lack of interest in the film. :'''Servo''': Yeah, I think—huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Nick and Lisa's plane crashes towards the rocky shore of a lake, the camera pans to the plane's altimeter]'' :'''Servo''': They're running out of Alt! :''[Cut to a view of the speedometer.]'' :'''Eddie''': And their Miffnots ''[MPH KNOTS]'' are goin' down! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lisa''': Nick! :'''Crow [as Lisa]''': I was shaving this morning and got a ''nick''! :''[Eddie hits Crow in the head and knocks him on the floor.]'' :'''Eddie''': ''[irritated]'' Get up! You're all right. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson punches Nick out of the flying plane, Nick somehow manages to hang on with his palms flat against the smooth metal wing]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': Ha-ha! Unlucky for you, I secrete pine tar from my hands! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Robertson's time transport crashes into a tree]'' :'''Crow''': 27 [[w:Keebler Company|Keebler]] elves were killed today when a light plane plunged into their tree! :'''Mike''': E.L. Fudge remains in critical condition. :. . . :'''Mike''': Oh, he's trying to get honey like Pooh! :'''Crow''': Oh, he's like poo, all right. :. . . :''[as Nick climbs down the tree]'' :'''Crow''': He's climbing an [[w:Ent|Ent]]! :'''Servo''': ''[in a deep, Entish voice]'' Hoom hom, get off me, hm. :. . . :''[Later in that scene, Robertson shoots Nick and kills him.]'' :'''Crow''': He died as he lived: mud-stained and splaying. :''[Then, a conveniently placed tree branch falls of the tree and flattens Robertson.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[Satisfied]'' Oh. Well that's nice. Thank you, movie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a static shot of a tree goes on for quite a while]'' :'''Servo''': Did the tree contribute money to the film? ''Why are they showing this?'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nick types in commands to erase the floppy disks containing his time travel software]'' :'''Servo''': So, eight 5¼" floppies hold the keys to time travel. :'''Mike''': Delete copies of film? Yes. Delete memory of film from mankind's consciousness? Yes. :''[As he throws out the last one, the camera pans to a heap of electronics, including one suspiciously long box with a cord coming out of it]'' :'''Mike''': Hey... even declared war on his surge protector... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]'' :'''Mike''': Who's playing the [[w:chamber pot|chamber pot]]?! :''[The writer credit appears]'' :'''Crow''': Written? This movie was written? I don't ''think'' so. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Credits display: Mathew Bruch as Nick Miller]'' :'''Servo''': We serve a delicious bruch every Suh-day. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]'' :'''Servo''': Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie! :. . . :'''Mike''': All these people bear... ''some'' responsibility, you know. :''[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]'' :'''Servo''': Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of ''stupid'' Rutland, Vermont! ''This'' is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. ''Go to hell'', citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Filmed in Vermont: the other, smaller Wisconsin! === [[w:Overdrawn at the Memory Bank|Overdrawn at the Memory Bank]] === :'''Pearl''': And now, sit back and enjoy this special nine-part series, ''Overdrawn at the Memory Bank'', starring the late Raul Julia, a very wonderful actor. What was he doing in this piece of sh... surely, very quality, quality programming? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Pearl is holding a pledge drive. Servo is trying to call in, but Mike is holding Servo's arm, stretching out the spring.]'' :'''Servo''': Gimme! Come on, there's still much more to tote! :'''Mike''': Let go of it, man! :'''Servo''': Oh sure, Mike. Go watch your ''Webster''s, and your ''Facts of Life''ses, and your ''Who's The Boss''esesses! :''[Movie Sign goes off]'' :'''Mike''': We got movie sign! ''[Mike lets go of Servo's hand, sending him flying off screen]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits and movie's theme begin over an image of [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia's]] head inside a golden electronic cube]'' :'''Mike''': This lovely Raul Julia pendant, available only on the Home Shopping Network. :'''Crow''': It's a [[w:Rubik's Cube|Raulbik's Cube!]] :'''Servo''': Heh heh guys, see, I thought that he was Puerto Rican, I didn't know that he was... :'''Mike''': Oh no, don't say it! :'''Servo''': ...Cube-an! :'''Mike''': Ahhh. :''[The cube begins to fade away]'' :'''Crow''': Raul, you come right back and be in this bad movie, young man! :'''Servo [as Raul Julia]''': But I'm signed to play [[w:Romero (film)|Archbishop Romero!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie's theme plays]'' :'''Mike''': And now, the news. <hr width="50%"/> :''[New York City PBS affiliate [[w:WNET|WNET]] is credited]'' :'''Servo''': That's the New York Public TV station! What, did Pearl accidentally send us "MacNeil-Lehrer Report"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Title card is shown]'' :'''Servo''': ''[with monotone sarcasm]'' Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. That is funny. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Wanda Cannon? Now that's a porno name if I ever head one! Not that I've ever heard one... You know, I don't subscribe to lots of publications or anything. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The gray-haired and fat head of NoviCorp is giving a speech during the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow. TV's Frank! :'''Servo''': Wow. Frank's really come up in the world. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Still, this is easier than reading "Wired" magazine. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of Fingal's workplace]'' :'''Crow''': SAT farms ''of the future''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Explaining Fingal's problem, secretly watching movies doing work]'' :'''Appalonia''': He was working in the data flow center of NoviCorp as a processor third class. He had a terrible job: monitoring routine data output on global climate control. :''[The Warner Brothers logo appears on Fingal's screen.]'' :'''Mike''': And its effect on Bugs Bunny. :. . . :'''Servo''': Man, never show a good movie in the middle of your crappy movie. :. . . :'''Appalonia''': And he'd been doing it for a few weeks before they caught him doing it. :'''Mike [as Appalonia]''': Data entrying with no pants. :. . . :''[Fingal gets caught.]'' :'''Crow''': We now return to ''Billy Madison''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been sent to therapy.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[on the therapist]'' It's Merv Griffin! :'''Computer''': Ask about his mother. :'''Servo [as Computer]''': Ask if she wears Army boots. :'''Servo''': So aging lesbian nuns run the future? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Apollonia''': But of course, almost everyone doppled voluntarily. Fingal was my first compulsory dopple. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': I didn't want to bungle or bobble the Fingal dopple... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A shuttle passenger dashes impoverished Fingal's hopes of "doppling" into a stallion.]'' :'''Fingal''': I got 47 credits. What kind of a dopple do you think that buys? :'''Shuttle Passenger''': An anteater... ''maybe.'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Whoa, huge slam on anteaters out of nowhere! <hr width="50%"/> :''[We see an overhead shot of the word "Nirvana" written on the ground at Nirvana Village.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Come_as_You_Are_(Nirvana_song)|Come... to my mall... to my atrium, yeah yeah!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Nirvana Village, workers pass by Fingal with "doppling" people on a tray.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, look. Must be a [[w:Jack in the Box#E. coli outbreak|Jack-In-The-Box in the food court]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia informs Fingal of the brain augmentation required before doppling]'' :'''Fingal''': W-- Wait a minute, I changed my mind. Some other time... :'''Apollonia''': Sit down, Mr. Fingal. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': You need to tinkle, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Nothing to worry about. :'''Servo [as Apollonia]''': How 'bout some Pringles, Fingal? :'''Apollonia''': Trust me. :'''Mike [as Apollonia]''': Just gonna band-saw the top of your head off. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A boy looks at routing tags while the teacher is explaining what the colors mean.]'' :'''Boy''': And blue, like this? :'''Teacher''': Well, that's rather unusual. We can talk about it later. :'''Boy''': Is it ''sexy?'' :'''Teacher''': We'll talk about it later! Now come along, the class is waiting in the doppling room. :''[The boy secretly switches a blue tag with a orange tag before leaving.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[chuckling]'' The littlest sexual deviant. :. . . :''[Later, the boy switches Fingal's green routing tag with the blue one.]'' :'''Servo''': There's your precious Canadian healthcare system at work. {{hnote|[In a later scene, we learn that blue tags are the symbol for a sex-change operation.]}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[A medico and teacher stop restless little Desirée from playing with Fingal's exposed brain, while Marco looks for more mischief.]'' :'''Servo''': Is it "[[w:Village of the Damned|Children of the Damned]] Day" at the brain institute here? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's sleeping body is silhouetted against his identicube.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[[Doctor Who]]''... the hell cares! :'''Mike''': You know, isn't it weird how life imitates art, and I'm, like, sleeping right now, too? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has been "doppled" into a baboon.]'' :'''Fingal''': At least I'm not an anteater. :'''Mike''': This movie just hates ''anteaters''! :. . . :'''Fingal''': This cost me every credit I have? :'''Mike''': He's gonna start flinging it any minute now! :. . . :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm as clumsy as a stupid, repulsive anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The "doppled" Fingal is looking at a giraffe.]'' :'''Fingal''': What happened to him? He looks drunk to me! :'''Crow [as giraffe]''': I'm on medication, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :''[An overhead shot of workers running around Nirvana Village trying to intercept a unauthorized communication.]'' :'''Servo [as Worker]''': Embassy Suites is having a free brunch! Woo! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube begins flahing red.]'' :'''Crow''': Must be Christmas on the Borg ship. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' See you on the dark side of Raul... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': You know, I hope nobody ever scrolls up ''this'' cinema. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is talking to Pierre, a Peter Lorre lookalike.]'' :'''Mike''': It's Asian Pee-Wee. :. . . :'''Crow''': Who's he trying to do? Jimmy Stewart? Uh, James Cagney. No, no, no, wait... John Kenneth Gaulbraith. No, no, no, [[w:Ram_Dass|Ram Dass]]. Uh, Terry "Hulk" Hogan, maybe... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pierre''': Everybody goes to The Place. :'''Servo [as Co-worker]''': You know, when they have to ''go''... <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name of "The Place"]'' :'''Mike''': Formerly "That Other Place". :'''Servo''': Yeah, they hired a huge consulting firm for millions of bucks, and ''this'' was the name they thought up. :. . . :'''Servo''': Formerly "The Locale". :. . . :'''Mike''': Formerly "The Site". :. . . :'''Crow''': It's changed ownership. Now it's a ''gentleman's'' club. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another one of Pearl's pledge breaks, Pearl has shown a clip of her signing a duet with Brain Guy.]'' :'''Professor Bobo''': Hey, I can sing, too! ''[singing off-key]'' [[w:Heat_of_the_Moment_(Asia_song)|And now you find yourself in '82—]] ''[Pearl kicks him in the groin.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Fat Man enters "The Place" and sits down.]'' :'''Mike [as the Fat Man]''': All I can eat? The joke's on them! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While stuck inside the NoviCorp computer, Fingal is told to go about his normal data processing routines.]'' :'''Fingal''': I can't take this anymore... I'm so bored! :''[Mike and the Bots all look around]'' :'''Servo''': OK, which one of us said that? :'''Crow''': I felt it, I don't... :. . . :'''Fingal''': Listen! We're nothing more than a byte in a giant computer! :'''Mike, Crow, Servo [as co-workers]''': ''[dully]'' I'm okay with that. :. . . :''[Fingal holds up a bunch of cards and they turn into flowers.]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': My coffee coupon! :... :'''Fingal''': If I'm in charge of what happens to me in here. I'm not going to go on being a zombie like all those zombies at work. :'''Crow''': I'll be a better zombie! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a rather adult scene]'' :'''Mike''': Man, kids are tuning in to watch "Barney"... <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Fingal attempts to court a simulated version of Felicia]'' :'''Felicia''': I am working, Mr. Fingal. :'''Fingal''': Listen, Felicia, why don't we just walk out of here, go back to my place, and make love? :'''Servo''': Whoa! I wanna work in data entry! :'''Felicia''': Is that your idea of a joke?! Do you wanna get us fired?! :'''Fingal''': Not a satisfactory reply, Felicia. ''[rapidly waves his hands, causing the simulation to rewind]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, there's a fly in here. :'''Crow''': ''[as the simulation rewinds]'' [[w:Backmasking|What's that? Kill myself?]] Okay, not a problem. ''[begins to walk away]'' :'''Mike''': No no, stay. :'''Fingal''': Now then, shall we go back to my place and make love? :'''Mike [as Felicia]''': This is sexual harassment, and ''I'm gonna take it!'' :''[Felicia smiles warmly and lets her hair down]'' :'''Crow''': Whoa, look familiar, Mike? Well, probably not. :'''Mike''': Hey... :''[Felicia throws her arms around Fingal]'' :'''Felicia''': Oh, I thought you'd never ask, ''big boy''. :'''Servo [as Fingal]''': Well, I'm actually "size doesn't matter boy." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Inside Fingal's virtual world, sim-Apollonia argues with Fingal about his "romance" with a simulated co-worker.]'' :'''Apollonia''': You're too much, Fingal, you know that? :'''Fingal''': Wait a minute, ''you're'' the one who told me to change things if I didn't like them. :'''Apollonia''': And this is what you mean by changing things?! :'''Fingal''': Why not? I'm entitled to a little bit of happiness, aren't I? :'''Apollonia''': ''Happiness?!'' :'''Crow [as Apollonia]''': You were raised Catholic! :... :'''Apollonia''': If this [[w:masturbation|one-handed exercise]] is all you can think of to do with your life... :'''Crow''': Whoa! :'''Apollonia''': ...you're a very little man, and I'm very disappointed in you! :'''Servo''': Is this still the Officially Sanctioned Boring Part? :. . . :'''Fingal''': It's a good thing we don't have to like each other, isn't it? Because you're definitely not my kind of woman! :''[Apollonia slaps him.]'' :'''Crow [as Fingal]''': Well, now you are, actually. :. . . :'''Apollonia''': Fingal... I want to do the right thing... I'm just not sure what that is... :'''Servo''': Well, slapping him seemed like a good start! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the simulated bar "The Place", Fingal talks to bar-owner Rick.]'' :'''Rick''': What're you gonna do? :'''Fingal''': I don't know. But I've got to get the hell out of here. NoviCorp isn't helping! So I guess I'm going to have to push my own buttons for a change. :'''Mike''': Ah, you've been doing enough of that, mister! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal is trying to write a computer program while in the computer.]'' :'''Computer''': What is your access code? :'''Crow''': [[w:Microsoft|Where do you want to go today?]] All over this movie, that's where I want to go. :'''Computer''': Invalid access. Quit or retry? :'''Servo''': I'll take "Quit" for 25, Alex. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's mainframe tampering produces a snowfall inside the simulated NoviCorp building.]'' :'''Crow''': The chairman's got really bad dandruff. :'''Mike''': This is how much ''pure'' cocaine you would need to enjoy this movie. :. . . :'''Fingal''': I'm not making ''this'' up! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': I'm not cleaning it up either! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So this is public television, huh? Suddenly I feel like beating the ''crap'' out of [[w:Fred Rogers|Fred Rogers]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Apollonia is trying to convince Fingal that he shouldn't stay a dopple]'' :'''Apollonia''': Dopples don't dance, they don't make love... :'''Crow''': They're ''Lutherans''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another simulation, Fingal has been sent to the Garden of Eden.]'' :'''Mike, Crow, Servo''': ''[singing to the background music]'' [[w:Rolling Stones|You can't always get what you want...]] :. . . :''[Two tablets fall from the sky, and Fingal catches them.]'' :'''Servo [as God]''': Here's some more commandments I forgot. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two sailors enter the club.] :'''Servo [as Maître D']''': Ah yes, Mr. Geffen is expecting you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fingal''': Shut up, Fat Man! :'''Mike [as Fingal]''': You... you anteater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Fat Man leaves]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': To Wendy's! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal has successfully been allowed to redistribute finance.]'' :'''Fingal''': Genius. Pure Genius. :'''Crow''': ...couldn't save this film. :. . . :''[At the Fat Man's office, cards begin flying out of nowhere.]'' :'''Servo [as Fat Man]''': I'm farting Monopoly cards! :'''Mike''': Well, they're all getting credits where credits are due. ''[chuckles]'' Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final confrontation scene, Fat Man pulls out a gun.]'' :'''Crow [as Fat Man]''': Draw... me some butter! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': People with pacemakers, do not watch Raul Julia here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal's identicube has destructed. Both Fingal and Rick are flying through a portal.]'' :'''Mike''': Vertigo to hell. :. . . :'''Servo''': You kidding? We'll have an electron sex party right now! :. . . :''[Sim-Fingal flies by, arms open.]'' :'''Mike''': I love you this much! :''[Sim-Rick flies by, his hands in his pockets.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't care for you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (played by [[w:Raul Julia|Raul Julia]]) finally awakes in his own body. Apollonia practically lies on him in a serious lip-lock.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Eating Raoul|Eating Raul]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal (now Rick) is sending the chairman to rehab. Appalonia suggests "doppling" him into Daisy, the baboon Fingal was originally "doppled" as.]'' :'''Rick''': Daisy's too good for the bastard. He's going on as an anteater! :'''Servo''': Lay off the anteaters! Come on! :'''Crow''': Man! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fingal and Apollonia go into yet another lip-lock in this [[w:Public Broadcasting Service|PBS]] TV movie.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, and I guess "PBS" means "Public ''Boinking'' System", huh? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, all of Fingal's (now Rick's) co-workers are watching "[[Casablanca]]".]'' :'''Crow [as co-worker]''': But I hate this movie. It's on AMC every week! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The theme plays at the end.]'' :'''Mike''': And now the news. '' :''[Theme plays again.]'' :'''Mike''': That was the news. == Season 9 == === [[w:The Projected Man|The Projected Man]] === <div id="nepenthe"> :''[Pearl complains to Brain Guy about the mysterious whispering in the castle.]'' :'''[[w:Observer (MST3K)|Observer]]''': Well, it's not me, Pearl! I'm sensing the presence of several disembodied souls… ''[increasingly melodramatically]'' wandering these dark halls in search of surcease, an end to their endless night… a howl of quiet desperation… towards an indifferent universe. [[w:Nepenthe|Nepenthe]]! ''Nepenthe!'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]]''': You are so gay. :'''Observer''': I could be wrong. </div> <hr width="50%"/> :''[Steiner turns on the projecting machine, making numerous high-pitched sci-fi noises]'' :'''Man''': What's he doing? :'''Crow''': Oh, he's just doing his patented incredibly-annoying sound effect routine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Hill narrowly avoids colliding with a car outside a laboratory]'' :'''Dr. Hill''': You better watch where you're going! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Pretty you may be! :''[A security guard approaches the woman's car and murmurs something]'' :'''Crow [as Guard]''': Uh, he said "Pretty you may be!", ma'am. I'm not sure what he meant! :. . . :''[Dr. Hill drives away]'' :'''Servo''': Uh... driving she may be! :''[Dr. Hill is parking her car]'' :'''Crow''': Ah ''parking''! What a great way to establish character and create tension! :''[The car's engine makes odd noises]'' :'''Mike''': An exhaust system she may need! <hr width="50%"/> :''[British scientists Steiner and Mitchell are about to project Dr. Hill's dematerialized watch. All three are dressed in white lab coats and wearing space-age protective goggles.]'' :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Preheat! :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Pre-Heat… in! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Grease and flour cake pans! :'''Prof. Steiner''': Laser Emission Relay. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Laser Emission Relay… on! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Prof. Steiner]''': Bottom falling out of… plot! Movie… sucks! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Are We Not Men We Are Devo!|Are we not blokes?]] :'''Prof. Steiner''': Relay One. :'''Dr. Mitchell''': Relay One… in! :'''Servo [as Prof. Steiner]''': Really dumb scene… end! :''[Virtually identical re-creation of projection scene.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yes! It's the same thing you've seen before! Only it's...happening again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A thief goes looking for his accomplice Gloria.]'' :'''Thief''': Gloria? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Thief]''': G-L-O-R-I-A? :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Thief]''': In excelsis Deo! :'''Thief''': Gloria! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Thief]''': I hear they got your number. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Police are investigating Latham's murder.]'' :'''Inspector Davis''': Can I get on? :'''Servo: [as Dr. Mitchel]''' Well, he's dead, but knock yourself out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie ends with Paul destroying the laboratory, and eventually himself with the projection laser]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this is kind of an ambiguous ending. Is this film horrible or did it merely suck? :'''Servo''': Yeah! Now that I have seen it, do I want to kick a dog or a cat? :'''Crow''': Do I want the director just killed or should he be ''tortured first''? :'''Mike''': Crow! :. . . :''[The last shot of the movie shows the screen covered in flames.]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, so the movie and all the actors in it roast in Hell!! :''[Mike and the 'bots cheer loudly]'' === [[w:The Phantom Planet|The Phantom Planet]] === :''[Over footage of an atomic bomb test]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Grandpa tried to use the microwave again. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Pat Buchanan's first day as President. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Makonnen''': You know, Captain, every year of my life, I grow more and more convinced that the wisest and best is to fix our attention on the good and the beautiful... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Don't hit him... :'''Makonnen''': ...if you just take the time to look at it. :'''Chapman''': You're some guy, Makonnen. : . . . :'''Mike [as Makonnen]''': You know, Captain... :'''Crow [as Chapman]''': Shut ''up'', Ray. : . . . :''[Chapman has just landed his ship solo]'' :'''Mike [as Chapman]''' Wow, how did I manage to land without that mincing co-pilot jabbering on about the good and the beautiful? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After losing much of his oxygen during a space walk, Frank Chapman stumbles back into the ship's cockpit in a daze.]'' :'''Servo [as Chapman, sickly]''': Ohh, I'm gonna puke and it's gonna float around! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman starts having echoing auditory flashbacks to earlier parts of the movie. Mike and the Bots join the fun]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Congratulations, Ms. Astronaut, it's a boy!...boy...boy... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wake up Frank! You wet the bed!...bed...bed... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Frank, you'll have to take third grade again!...ain...ain :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Frank, this is Northwest Collection Agency. Do you value your [[w:credit rating|credit rating]]?...rating...rating... :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': I'm afraid you're not [[w:7-Eleven|7-Eleven]] timber, Frank...Frank...Frank... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': You're the worst party clown we ever had!...had...had... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After shrinking out of his spacesuit and then fighting tiny people, Chapman is put on trial.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': Man from Earth, you are accused of causing injury to one of our people. :'''Chapman''': I thought I was being attacked, and I defended myself. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Chapman]''': …with courage and nudeness. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is confused by Eden's explanation of how his ship was landed.]'' :'''Chapman''': I don't understand. :'''Sessom''': There are many things you will not understand here… :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sessom]''': …being an obvious doorknob. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chapman is being tried while two women stand off to the side]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Look! [[w:Maxwell's Silver Hammer|Rose and Valerie, screaming from the gallery!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[The judge speaks to the all-female jury, whose members stand single-file and are dressed in cheerleader-style skirts.]'' :'''Judge Eden''': The jury will now vote and find you guilty or not guilty for inflicting injury on a Rheton man. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Jury]''': ''[cheering]'' ::We find him GUILTY! GUILTY! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Guilty! Guilty! ::G-U-I-L … T-Y! ::Whoo! Yaaaay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Liara tells Chapman that Rheton's different atmosphere caused him to shrink.]'' :'''Liara''': You see, oxygen in your atmosphere would restore you immediately to your regular size. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': So people are just balloons? <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': You know, this is almost as good as [[w:2001:_A_Space_Odyssey_%28film%29|2001]]... nails driven into your eyes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During another flashback sequence...] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': We didn't like these scenes the ''first'' time! :. . . :''[The flashback includes a moment that only happened a few scenes earlier.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ''ten seconds ago!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lt. White, from the rescue ship, has found Chapman lying on the ground in his spacesuit.]'' :'''White''': Chapman! Chapman! :'''Servo [as White]''': You got any gum? :'''White''': Where's Makonnen? :'''Chapman''': He's dead. Gone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Chapman]''': He kept yapping about beauty, so I shot him out the airlock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The rescue ship flies away from Rheton]'' :'''Chapman''': Now they'll never believe me... :'''Mike [as Chapman]''': ''[Unemotionally]'' I'll have to kill them all. ===[[w:The Pumaman|The Pumaman]]=== :'''Kobras''': Sometimes there is more truth in legend than in history. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kobras]''': And there's more salt in ham than in turkey. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': You can't hide this! :'''Kobras''': Who is to prevent me? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A halfway smart guy with muscles and hair? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man is hurled out an office building window.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': We're downsizing, Steve! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A newspaper headline is shown reading "Fourth American killed in a few days. Will there be other victims?"]'' :'''Crow''': Call our 900 number and vote. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jane''': So, dinosaurs died out because they forgot how to love each other. Is that right? :'''Servo''': In a wrong kind of way, yeah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Vadinho''': My name is Vadinho. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': I'm an [[w:Vidalia onion|onion]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony punches through an attic roof, which crumbles easily.]'' :'''Mike''': Luckily they made their house out of peanut brittle. :'''Crow''': So, basically, a mild rain could take out that roof. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony, now Puma Man, flies through London for the first time as Vadinho watches.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Yeah, first thing he does is poop on ''my car''! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vadinho]''': Look out for the-- oh, boy, right into the propellers. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': They gave him the Captain Dork costume by mistake. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[Singing to the Puma Man theme music]'' Pu-ma Man, he flies like a moron! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]:''' He has the project to rear project major cities. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': A bird gets sucked into his engine and he goes down immediately. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, they'll find his black box and hear "DAH! WHOA HO!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You do not fly, but your mind does. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Tony]''': Yeah, thanks, [[w:Carlos Castaneda|Castaneda]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Are criminals genetically drawn to construction sites? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Get moving. Comb the area. Find him. Kill him. :'''Crow''': Donald's only use for the word "comb". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Puma Man drops one of Kobras' henchmen and he falls rather awkwardly thanks to some poorly synced background shots.]'' :'''Mike [as the henchman]''': Heeelp! I'm falling at a sixty degree angle breaking all the laws of physics! :... :''[The henchman gets dropped again.]'' :'''Servo [as the henchman]''': My mustache makes me fall sideways! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As he prepares to use his teleportation power, Tony tosses his cloak back in a rather flamboyant gesture.]'' :'''Servo''': Prepare the Effeminate Mobile! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Puma Man theme plays, Tony prepares to teleport to his friend Matthew while he's driving a fire truck.]'' :'''Mike [as Gilbert Gottfried]''': I'm in the fire truck for ''USA Up All Night''. :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by my little brother's Casio. :'''Servo [as Tony]''': I keep dreaming of a little man in a tiny car. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tony teleports into his girlfriend Jane's car, seeking information. Jane is wearing a black-leather catsuit with matching WWI-vintage strap-on pilot's headgear.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, he gets drunk and pops into old girlfriends' cars. :'''Jane''': Tony! How'd you get here? :'''Tony''': Never mind. Drive. :'''Servo''': ...he said. :'''Jane''': But they'll kill you if they find you. Kobras wants to kill you and they're following me, they're right behind me. :'''Tony''': Never mind. Tell me where the mask is. :'''Crow''': Get your copy at Blockbuster. :'''Jane''': Don't ask me that, I can't. I swear I'd like to, but I can't. I'm conditioned to keep the secret just like everyone. I can't do it. :'''Tony''': Try! Fight him! Fight him with your will! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jane]''': But my will ''won't''! :'''Jane''': I— I— I can't! He's commanding me from a distance. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[w:Amelia Earhart|Amelia Airhead]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In his mansion, Kobras waxes eloquent about his [[world domination]] plans.]'' :'''Kobras''': When the world is mine, I alone will decide whether it is to be war or peace! Life or death! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Kobras]''': Stuffing or potatoes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Kobras has been pronouncing "Puma" the British way the entire movie, the Satellite of Love crew finally gets tired of it.]'' :'''Kobras''': You can not escape me, Pyu-ma Man! :'''Crow''': PU-ma Man! :'''Mike''': Oh, is that right? Dee-onald? :'''Kobras''': You're just a small... insignificant... human being! :'''Servo''': No, no, HOO-man being... oh, wait. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kobras''': Because you come from Earth... :'''Servo [as Kobras]''': Corn grows in you. :'''Kobras''': And to Earth you shall return! :'''Mike''': Huh? That was an odd thing to say, even for him. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Everyone sings along with the Puma Man theme while Vadinho and Puma Man fight Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Dick's Red Owl, selection and service...'' :'''Servo''': ''Snyder Drug, we're busting up prices...'' :'''Crow''': ''When you want the flavor of bacon in a dip...'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': ''[singing to the theme from ''The Greatest American Hero'']'' ''Believe it or not, this movie's still on, it should have ended two hours ago...'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The bad guys, having examined Tony's inert body, drive off. Tony comes out of his trance.]'' :'''Vadinho''': You've succeeded! They think you're dead, and now they will leave you alone. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': To be left alone— the goal of every great hero! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Tony is nowhere to be seen, Vadinho beats the snot out of Kobras' henchmen.]'' :'''Crow''': So, basically, the hero is ''this guy''. I think it's time we all face that fact. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vadinho has gone aboard the alien space craft and it goes off into the sun set.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': And we hear the dim cry of an anal probe. === [[w:Werewolf (1996 film)|Werewolf]] === :''[Mike drops a ladder into Castle Forrester, where Pearl, Bobo and the Observer are having their breakfast]'' :'''Mike''': I am entering the actual structure now. It appears to be a barn of some sort, or it... no, it's an eatery. It is an eatery. I will approach one of the patrons and attempt to gather information on my... whereabouts... :'''Pearl''': ''[Looking at the back of her cereal box]'' Brain Guy. :'''Observer''': Yeah. ''[Summons a cannon which points at Mike]'' :'''Mike''': Ahh! OK, I'll get back up and watch my movie, wh- ah... which is, uh, what again? :'''Pearl''': ''[Still reading the back of her cereal box]'' "Werewolf". :'''Mike''': "Werewolf", right. Uh, Brain Guy, you wouldn't want to beam me back up, would you? :'''Observer''': ''[Still reading the back of his cereal box]'' No. :'''Mike''': Didn't think so, just checking. I'll... get back up and watch my... ''[Hastily climbs back up the ladder]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike is lagging behind, so Servo and Crow enter the theater alone. Title card is shown.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know, you had him last! ''[laughs]'' :'''Crow''': You can't say that! You're gonna get in trouble! That's a really stupid joke, and I'm gonna tell Mike! :'''Servo''': Ha-ha, I don't care, what's Mike gonna do, anyway? ''[laughs]'' :''[Mike enters.] :'''Mike''': Hey, guys. :'''Servo''': ''[screams]'' YAH! :'''Crow''': Mike, the title came up and it said ''Werewolf'', and then Servo said "I don't know, you had him last!" And...and I...I think that was a really stupid joke... :'''Mike''': ''[chuckles]'' Ah, well, that's pretty funny, I like that! :'''Servo''': Thank you! :'''Crow''': ''[backpedaling]'' Heeeey, that's what I meant! I...I like it. :''[Mike finishes chuckling]'' :'''Crow''': ''[sighs, defeated]'' Good one, Servo. :'''Servo''': ''[gloating]'' Well, thank you! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A group is sweeping in the sand during an archaeological dig in the desert.]'' :'''Billy''': Hey, I got something here! :'''Crow''': It's [[w:L. Ron Hubbard|Ron]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Yuri breaks into a massive brawl with the other archaeologists.]'' :'''Crow''': Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Archaeologists! :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a production of ''[[w:Road House|Road House]]'' in the Park. :. . . :'''Mike''': And during the fight, they stomped all over the Ark of the Covenant. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Noel''': At the risk of sounding nuts... :'''Crow [as Noel]''': I've replaced my toes with grapes. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the moon]'' :'''Servo [as moon]''': Oh, I ate too much - I am a ''full'' moon! :'''Mike''': I am gonna hit you so hard... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a poor-looking werewolf running through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': No, wait! It's a gorilla! :''[Close up of poor-looking werewolf mask.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ...With a dog mask on! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul and Natalie make eye contact at a party.]'' :'''Servo''': I see some really stupid children being born as a result of these two meeting. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Noel takes Yuri outside after Yuri drunkenly hits on Natalie.]'' :'''Noel''': Yuri! What the hell is the matter with you? :'''Crow [as Noel]''': You are married to ''me!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a party, writer Paul chats with archaeologist Natalie.]'' :'''Paul''': I'm actually working on something now. :'''Natalie''': Really? What's the subject matter? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Paul]''': You're right. The subject doesn't matter at all! :'''Mike''': Heh, good one! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the lab, a grandmother-like Noel (Richard Lynch) stalls English-impaired Natalie.]'' :'''Natalie''': What are you hiding from me, Noel? Tell me the truth! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Noel]''': ''[in Grandma voice]'' You can't handle the truth, deary! :'''Noel''': In due time, you'll know everything. :'''Natalie''': Well, maybe then it's too late! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! The future conditional pluperfect subjunctive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A paunchy man in a black leather jacket is seen at the pool hall.]'' :'''Crow''': Chubby Ramone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Host Segment Four. Mike had tripped over Crow while exiting the theater, and has a gold net and claws]'' :'''Crow:''' It's very simple, Mike. Just don't fall on me anymore. :'''Mike:''' ''[holding a rag to his head]'' Well if you weren't so sharp and pointy, I think I'm gonna need stiches! :'''Crow:''' Well, pick up your feet next time, you big- ''[notices Mike's new features]'' hey. Say Mike, theres something about you, I don't know, but suddenly you are very, very handsome man! :'''Mike:''' Really? :'''Crow:''' Yeah. I can't believe I never noticed how striking you are! I mean, you are a god! :''[while Mike is flattered with Crow's complements, Tom enters and yells at Mike's new look]'' :'''Mike:''' Wha- what?! :'''Servo:''' Mike, look at your hands! Feel your head! :'''Mike:''' ''[Mike does so]'' So I have claws and a net. What's the bi.. ''[voice suddenly starts to sound like Crow]'' Hey! Wait a minute! :'''Crow:''' Ah, when you stupidly fell on me, some of my essence must've mingled with your essence. :'''Servo:''' Blech! Don't say essence! :'''Mike:''' Yeah, you know what? I am beginning to look and feel like you, and you know what I'm... :'''Crow:''' ''[choruses with Mike]'' Perfectly comfortable with that. Yes, that's exactly what I said! :'''Servo:''' Ah! He's a Were-Crow! A WERE-CROW! :'''Crow:''' Okay-uh, so tell me how you feel? :'''Mike:''' Well I feel thin... :'''Crow:''' Uh-huh. :'''Mike:''' ...I have an intense love for bacon... :'''Crow:''' Oh yeah! :'''Mike:''' ...And a sense of moral superiority over everyone I meet. :'''Crow:''' Yes, perfect! You're me! Oh-ho this is turning out great! :'''Mike:''' Man, I love us! :'''Crow:''' Yeah, me too! :'''Servo:''' ''[disgusted]'' If you excuse me. I'm going to throw up, all over myself! ''[leaves]'' :'''Mike:''' Yeah, whatever. So what else can I expect? :'''Crow:''' Well, your voice is going to change every 7 years or so... :'''Mike:''' Okay, good. :'''Crow:''' You'll start ordering salad spinners by the truckload, from QVC- :'''Mike:''' Already have! :'''Crow:''' Great! ''[Commercial sign starts]'' Oop. ''[choruses with Mike]'' Well be right back! :'''Mike:''' Haha! What else? :'''Crow:''' Well, you're gonna have to hide your huge collection of tattoo magazines. :'''Mike:''' Ooh, good point! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the harpsichord pool bar, Natalie confronts Yuri about his werewolf-kidnapping plan.]'' :'''Natalie''': So it all comes to this? :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': The... thing that it comes to? :'''Natalie''': You and Noel is in it for fame and fortune? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Yuri]''': Yes, we ''is''. :'''Natalie''': But over my dead''BOD''y. You hear me? I won't stand for it! :'''Servo [as Natalie]''': You is a jerk! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul, having completely transformed into a werewolf, approaches Sam.]'' :'''Sam''': Werewolf? :'''Crow [as Paul]''': No, I'm a squirrel monkey; ''OF COURSE'' I'm a werewolf, you... <hr width="50%"/> :''[After slaughtering tenses and mispronouncing werewolf multiple times, Natalie walks in and sees Paul as a werewolf.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Natalie]''': Paul, you is a wahrwilf! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Near the end of the film, a door slams in the background]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, that was the sound of the director giving up and leaving. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike, Crow and Servo sing alternate lyrics over generic Native American chanting in the credits]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Pow Wow the Indian Boy|Pow Wow the Indian boy, loved all the animals in the west...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:We Will Rock You|We will, we will, we will ROCK YOU!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Battle of Kookamonga|Though they ran through the briars and they ran through the brambles and they ran through the places where a rabbit wouldn't go...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Gypsies, Tramps & Thieves|Gypsies, tramps and thieves, we heard it from the people of the town...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:The Lonely Goatherd|High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, lay ee odl lay ee odl lay hee hoo...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Here Comes Santa Claus|Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Give It Away (Red Hot Chili Peppers song)|Give it away, give it away, give it away now! Give it away, give it away, give it away now!]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Brand New Key|I've got a brand new pair of roller skates, you've got a brand new key...]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Uncle Albert/Admiral Halsey|Admiral Halsey notified me, he had to have a bath or he couldn't get to sleep...]] :'''Crow''': [[w:Cat's in the Cradle|And the cat's in the cradle with the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue with the man in the moon...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:Easter Parade (song)|In your Easter bonnet, with all the frills upon it...]] :'''Servo''': [[w:One Night in Bangkok|One night in Bangkok makes a strong man crumble!]] :'''Crow''': [[w:The Surrey with the Fringe on Top|Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in a surrey...]] :'''Mike''': [[w:The Freshmen (song)|We were merely ''fresh''men!]] :'''Mike, Crow and Servo''': [[w:Oh! Susanna|Oh Susanna, oh don't you cry for me! Cause I come from Alabammy with a banjo on my knee!]] ''[[w:Tusk (song)|Tusk!]]'' === [[w:The Deadly Bees|The Deadly Bees]] === :''[The opening credits are shown against scenes of a swarm of honeybees.]'' :'''Crow''': They named ''every bee''? This is gonna take forever... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Slender British rock band [[w:The Birds (band)|The Birds]] (not the more famous [[w:The Byrds|Byrds]]) perform a song.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Eight Miles High|Eight… miles… ''wrong'']]! : . . . :'''Servo''': Guys, just skip the music and go right to the heroin. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up in front of a very hairy-looking tree.] :'''Crow''': Hey, they're growing [[w:Bill the Cat|Bill the Cat]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hargrove is sitting down at the pub] :'''Hargrove''': Morning, David. :'''Hawkins''': Good morning, Mr. Hargrove. What can I get you? :'''Hargrove''': Oh, the usual. :'''Servo''': 9 A.M., why so late? :'''Hargrove''': Make it a double, will you? :'''Crow''': Alright, ''now'' we're in England. :'''Mike''': [[w:Andy Capp|Andy Capp]]: The Movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Chain-smoker Mary Hargrove pours gasoline on her husband's beehives, tossing Doris aside when she tries to interfere.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Wow! Look at her go! I didn't realize cigarettes had so many vitamins! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After bees kill first Mrs. Hargrove's dog and then her, the local coroner questions Mr. Hargrove at an inquest.]'' :'''Coroner''': Is there anything you can tell this court which would help it to establish the exact cause of your wife's death? :'''Hargrove''': The cause should be obvious. She was stung to death by bees. :'''Coroner''': And her dog? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hargrove]''': Uh, the dog didn't sting her. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki gets dressed and sneaks out, her shoes clacking with a rather horse hoof-like sound.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing to "Sleigh Bells"]'' Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, let's go… :''[Meanwhile, Doris, wearing a somewhat dull brown skirt and vest over a white shirt, walks through the woods.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Spice Girls|Nondescript Spice]]. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[Robert Frost#Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening (1923)|Whose woods these are?]] :'''Crow''': Oh, I ''think'' I know. :'''Mike''': Huh? :''[High in the trees, the killer bees are swarming in a whirlpool-like circle.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[gasps]'' Killer cookie crumbs! :'''Crow [as Doris]''': Damn, it's that [[William Butler Yeats#bee-loud_glade|"bee-loud glade"]] that Yeats spoke of. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Vicki passes out from exhaustion during her solo, the music is still playing on the reel-to-reel, with her voice still singing as well.]'' :'''Crow''': She still lip-syncs better than [[w:Jewel_(singer)|Jewel]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vicki's feverish nightmare includes a shot of Tess, barking as bees swarm over her]'' :'''Mike [as Tess]''': Avenge me! Ruff! <hr width="50%"/> :''[While Vicki is waiting at Manfred's home, Hargrove brings him the rest of her luggage.]'' :'''Mike [as Hargrove]''': If you're looking for her panties I'm already wearing the good ones. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Moments after Vicki drops a flaming log on Manfred's carpet, his entire house is engulfed in flames.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The house was made of typing paper and oily rags. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]'' :'''Crow [confused]''': All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this? :'''Servo''': Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"? === [[w:The Space Children|The Space Children]] === ==== Century 21 Calling (short) ==== :''[In the opening credits, we see: '''Century 21 Calling'''.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Oh! They want their [[w:Century 21 Real Estate|little gold jacket]] back. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A monorail is moving through Seattle over the opening credits]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, these monorail designers - they have a one-track mind. :'''Mike''': Why do you lash out like that? :'''Crow''': I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]'' :'''Servo''': The only bathroom in the fair is up there. :'''Crow''': Well, I'm glad to know the future has '''CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC'''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nerdy guy pauses a moment to look at marquee with ladies' legs.]'' :'''Crow [as Girl]''': Oh, come on! You're gay and you know it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike notices a sign that says "Gifts From Germany."]'' :'''Mike''': Gifts From Germany? What's that? Braunschweiger, cars with heaters that don't work, and identification papers? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the 1962 Seattle World's Fair, we see a science exhibit entitled ''How Do Animals Learn?'']'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Man]''': "How Do Animals Learn?" Well, as long as they learn to taste good, I don't really care. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A lady at the ''How Do Animals Learn?'' exhibit thrusts a bird into the face of a nerdy kid at the fair.]'' :'''Mike [as Lady]''': Here, you're a geek. Why don't you bite the head off this bird? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bell Woman''': ...All you'll have to do is give the telephone company a list of the numbers you dial most frequently. The electronic brain's memory will do the rest. :''[The blond-haired, blue-eyed couple look at each other in excitement.]'' :'''Crow [as Boy]''': The Führer will like that! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A little girl phones her grandmother.]'' :'''Grandma''': Hello? :'''Little Girl''': Hello, Grandma? :'''Crow [as Little Girl]''': Where's my money? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A Bell Telephone representative talks about future features as a video runs to demonstrate them.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' Want someone else on the line? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Customer]''': No. :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' That's easy, too. Flip the switch button, then dial a code number and the number you want, and… presto! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Well, andante, maybe. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bell Woman]''': Soon you'll have all your friends hanging up on you and dreading your calls. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a promotional film from Bell Telephone, we see two dogs on a well-manicured lawn.]'' :'''Bell Woman''': ''[voiceover]'' It may even be possible to call and water the lawn during that dry spell when you are many miles away on vacation. :''[The sprinklers are then turned on by telephone operated remote control, and the dogs run away.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, how do you like it when the lawn piddles on ''you''?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a demonstration of the wonders of push-button telephones.]'' :'''Mike [as Bell Woman]''': And in the future there will ''still'' be a two dollar surcharge for using this service ''despite'' the technology having proliferated ''EVERYWHERE ON THE PLANET!'' ==== The Space Children (movie) ==== :'''Crow''': Remind me to never be a child. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Outside the cave, the kids stare at a shaft of light descending from the sky.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Bud]''': ''[mesmerized]'' Yes — [[w:Soupy Sales#New Year's Day incident|I will take money from my dad's wallet and send it to Soupy Sales]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim flees from his violent, drunken stepfather (played by [[w:Russell Johnson|Russell Johnson]]), but is finally caught.]'' :'''Crow''': Whooh. Imagine having your butt whooped by [[w:Gilligan's Island#"And the rest"|"And The Rest"]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As her children pass along commands from the blob rock, Anne tries to comprehend what's happening.]'' :'''Anne Brewster''': How does it tell you, and why? :'''Bud''': I don't think you'd understand. :''[Anne lets go of her son in disgust and turns away.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Anne]''': Oh, I'll just go [[w:It's a Good Life (The Twilight Zone)|wish myself into the cornfield]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Project head Dr. Wahrman confronts Brewster about the space blob.]'' :'''Dr. Wahrman''': And what does it look like? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Brewster]''': Well, it's got a good personality… === [[w:Hobgoblins (film)|Hobgoblins]] === :'''Servo''': Can you catch a venereal disease from a movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[A man in a gray uniform walks along with a loud crunching.]'' :'''Mike''': What, has he got [[w:Pringles|Pringles]] in his shoes? :'''Servo''': Proof that janitors walk upright! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dennis opens the vault door.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Burgess Meredith|Burgess Meredith]] is inside [[w:Time Enough At Last|reading]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[McCreedy closes the bank-like vault door after Dennis is killed inside.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Announcer]''': Member, FDI-''Murder''! :'''Crow [as Announcer]''': Death guaranteed for up to 50,000 ''die''! {{hnote|Combining common bank advertising lines with Quinn Martin TV-mystery trademark narration.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[The pre-credits sequence ends and the titles begin.]'' :'''Servo''': Hey, the end credits! Well, it was a terrible movie. At least it was short! :'''Mike''': These are the beginning credits! :'''Servo''': Oh, well, then kill me, please? <hr width="50%"/> :''A surveillance monitor shows black-and-white footage of a slow-moving robber.]'' :'''Mike''': It's some guy sneaking around like a silent film villain! :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Take on Me|Take on me...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''': ''[singing to "[[w:Everybody Have Fun Tonight|Everybody Have Fun Tonight]]"]'' Everybody have sex tonight! :'''[[w: Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Everybody ''throw up'' tonight. :'''[[w: Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Ironically, no one in the band [[w:Wang Chung|Wang Chung]] had sex that night. <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': But... I warned... Those creatures... The vault... I tried... :'''Servo''': Sentence fragments. Just phrases. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Army-trained Nick shows wimpy Kevin how to fight with garden tools, ruthlessly beating him.]'' :'''Crow''': So, does [[w:United Hardware|Hardware Hank]] have a major defense contract, or…? :. . . :''[Nick begins repeatedly swinging his rake over his head at Kevin.]'' :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': He's also a [[w:Black belt (martial arts)|black belt]] in [[w:Whac-A-Mole|Whac-A-Mole]]. :. . . :''[Nick and Kevin continue to fight with their rakes, strafing past a coiled garden hose.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh! There! Right there! Did you see it? The hose just out-acted them. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Can we make it a rule that, in the future, films have to be made by film''makers''? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': ''[singing along to generic '80s synth music]'' ::It's the '80s! ::Do a lot of [[w:cocaine|coke]] and vote for [[Ronald Reagan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Hobgoblins form up together]'' :'''Servo''': Meet the Hobgoblins: Frankie, Sniffles, Bounce-Bounce, and the Claw. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Daphne and Nick step out of his van after having conspicuous sex in it.]'' :'''Servo''': Ugh! They made love in their [[w:Chevy Van (song)|Chevy van]] and that is ''not'' alright with me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mild-mannered assistant security guard Kevin goes looking for a would-be robber.]'' :'''Crow''': So, did the ad for the job read, "Wanted: whiny, halfwit coward"? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kyle's big-haired, leopard-and-lamé-clad floozy date pushes his car toward a cliff.]'' :'''Crow''': That is not a woman! That's [[w:David Lee Roth|David Lee Roth]]! : . . . :''[Later in that scene, the car begins to roll off the cliff after Kevin's friend gets out.]'' :'''Servo''': The car will do anything to get out of this movie! :''[The car rolls down the cliff and explodes.] :'''Crow''': In an unforeseen tragedy, the two actors were ''not'' in the car at the time of the crash! :''[Kevin and his friend watch the "flames" from the explosion.]'' :'''Mike [as Kevin]''': Look at that guy wave the [[w:Color gel|gel]] in front of the light! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kevin shoots a gun into the air]'' :'''Crow''': Oh, great! You just shot down [[w:Air Force One|Air Force One]], you dope! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The screen shows the name of star Tom Bartlet]'' :'''Servo''': The [[w:Tommy Bartlett|king of the Wisconsin Dells]] finally gets a movie. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mike and the Bots have made cardboard cutouts of themselves and equipped them with a tape recorder to fool Pearl.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': This sure is a bad movie, won't you? :'''Servo Cutout''': It sure is, you know! :'''Crow Cutout''': Say, fellas. Here's a little song about that movie, "Hobgoblins." :'''Mike Cutout''': Are you kidding me? :'''Servo Cutout''': Then let's go! :'''All [singing]''': Hobgoblins, hobgoblins, what do you do with those hobgoblins? They're over here, they're over there, those darn hobgoblins are everywhere! Yay! Woo! : . . . :'''Mike Cutout''': Watch out, here comes one now! :'''Crow Cutout''': Look out, you little doodad! :'''Servo Cutout''': Something's sure going to happen! :''[The Mike cutout falls over and the tape recorder starts to wind down.]'' :'''Mike Cutout''': Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about hobgoblins today... ''[Speech fades out.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''McCreedy''': Did I ever tell you what I did during the war? :'''Kevin''': No, what? :'''Crow [as McCreedy]''': Shot off my toe and got out! === [[w:The Touch of Satan|The Touch of Satan]] === :''[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]'' :'''Farmer''': Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them... :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Mercy? :'''Farmer''': ...there wouldn't be all this… this chasing. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Mercy]''': Yeah, ''milk'' me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The farmer is repeatedly stabbed with a pitchfork.]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:American Gothic|American Gothic]] people take revenge. : . . . :''[Fade to table of people laughing]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as if one of them were telling the last scene like a story]'' And then he ''died''! :''[all laugh]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[A very ancient, wrinkled woman with long hair (Lucinda) barges through the kitchen door and falls to the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Grandma [[w:Cosmo Kramer|Kramer]]! :'''Mike''': A [[w:kabuki|kabuki]] actor's been hit! : . . . :'''Luther''': What happened? What have you done? :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I stayed in the tanning booth for a whole decade! <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody chats with a gas station attendant, a small-town oddball cliché on two feet.]'' :'''Attendant''': That'll be six dollars, even. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Attendant]''': Oh, and an extra dollar for the aliens in my head. : . . . :'''Attendant''': See, the way I got it figured, this job was done by one of them ''fromokaidal'' maniacs, and we ain't got none of them around here. : . . . :'''Jody''': Yeah, well, nobody needs a ''fromokaidal'' maniac hanging around. :''[Jody drives off.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Attendant]''': Is that right? I should check my ''dictionotomy''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the forest]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing]'' ''[[w:The Trees (Rush song)|But the trees can't hide their feelings if they like the way they're made...]]'' :'''Crow''': ''[stern]'' Mike, stop it '''''now'''''. :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jody''': This your pond? :''[Lengthy pause]'' :'''Crow [as Jody]''': You can take your time, it's a tough question. :'''Melissa''': It belongs to my father. :'''Jody''': Oh, does your father mind if people skip rocks across his pond? :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': As long as you don't hit his favorite frog. :''[''Another'' pause] :'''Melissa''': I don't think he's mentioned it before. That your car? :'''Jody''': Yeah. :'''Servo [as Melissa]''': Mind if I skip rocks across it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jody catches up to Melissa, who stares out over the creek.]'' :'''Melissa''': This is where the fish lives. :''[Mike and the Bots snicker loudly]'' :'''Jody''': Why did you run? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Melissa]''': 'Cuz this is where the fish lives. :'''Melissa''': I felt like it. I really wanted to fly, but I couldn't do that, so I ran. :''[A pause.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jody]''': You're kind of an idiot, aren't you? :''[Jody and Melissa draw together in a serious kiss.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Jody]''': This is where my ''tongue'' lives. <hr width=50%"/> :''[A police car passes the car Jody is driving]'' :'''Mike [as [[w: Barney Fife|Barney Fife]]]''': I'm telling you, Andy, there was a demon in the car! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the general store, Melissa's total comes to $8.89]'' :'''Crow''': She gives him $15.55 just so she can get $6.66 back in change. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Jody's 19th-century dream, a mob of townspeople gathers with torches and pitchforks, chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mike [as townsfolk]''': Oh, and "go [[w:Green Bay Packers|Packers]]" too, but mostly burn the witch. :. . . :''[Father Strickland is reading from the Bible ([[w:Book of Job|Job]]) to his family.]'' :'''Strickland''': "The wicked man travaileth with pain all his days..." :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Strickland]''': ...said Madeleine. :'''Strickland''': "...and the number of years is hidden to the oppressor..." :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Strickland]''': Tsch. Bunch of crap. :'''Strickland''': "A dreadful sound is in his ears." :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Strickland]''': It's [[w:Paula Cole|Paula Cole]], I think. :'''Strickland''': "In prosperity, the destroyer shall come upon him." :''[Strickland sees Lucinda fidgeting.]'' :'''Strickland''': What is it, child? :'''Young Lucinda''': I thought I heard something. :'''Strickland''': Pay attention to the word of God. :'''Servo [as Strickland]''': For He loves you, and He may KILL you if you don't. :'''Strickland''': "Yea..." :'''Crow [as Strickland]''': "...team!" :'''Strickland''': "...the light of the wicked shall be put out..." :'''Mike [as Strickland]''': "...by ten-thirty…" :'''Strickland''': "...and the spark of his fire shall not shine." :'''Servo [as Daughter]''': Just take the old-fashioned photo, Dad! :. . . :''[The mob of townspeople approaches the house, still chanting "Burn the witch!"]'' :'''Mrs. Strickland''': What is it, David? :'''Crow''': It's people saying "Burn the witch". Are you deaf? :'''Young Melissa''': Papa, what is it? :'''Crow''': ''[irritated]'' People saying "Burn the witch"! Do you have any deductive powers at ''all''? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Townspeople are singing "Amazing Grace", the second time it's been used in the film.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': ''[singing along]'' "This song is in/ the public domain/ that's why we used it twice." <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucinda has just murdered a police officer with a hay hook, while Melissa tries to comfort her.]'' :'''Servo [as Lucinda]''': I meant to ask him in for pie; I don't know what happened! === [[w:Gorgo (film)|Gorgo]] === :''[The film starts with a message about the filming locations of London and Dublin.]'' :'''Mike''': "London, England"... Yeah, which was paid for by exorbitant taxes on Rod Stewart and Pete Townshend. :'''Servo''': ''(after the message fades)'' Wait, I just got three words into it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the title screen]'' :'''Mike''': The [[w:Al Gore|Vice President]]'s unimaginative campaign slogan. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A scuba diver is seen on screen.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': This new "Cool Ranch" flavored scuba air isn't very good. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A ship is tossed terribly in a tremendous storm. The scene fades out.]'' :'''Mike''': And...? :''[Cut to the next day, as the ship calmly sits in the water.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, they're fine! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': ''[singing to "[[w:The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald|The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald]]"]'' ::They got into port and everyone was okay. ::They went out for lunch and felt better... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe enter an old-fashioned peasant village.]'' :'''Sam''': Looks like they're pretty hard hit. :'''Mike''': Poor dopes, they [[w:Brigadoon|appear every hundred years]] and get hit by a huge storm. <hr width="50%"> : '''Joe''': Well, what do you know? : '''Mike, Crow, Servo''': [[w:Whad'Ya Know?|Not much. You?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sam and Joe call McCartin's bluff about permits. He sits down, thoughtfully.]'' :'''McCartin''': After you load with water… you leave. Tonight! :'''Joe''': The sooner, the better! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Joe/Cheerleader]''': The tighter the sweater! / The boys depend on us! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Sam/Cheerleader]''': Yay! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo is seen terrorizing a small Irish village.]'' :'''Mike''': Poor Irish—if they aren't being invaded by [[w:Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]] or infested by leprechauns they've got ''this'' guy! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Gorgo]''': McRoar! O'Growl! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A sailor sends a message back to England by Morse code.]'' :'''Crow [as sailor]''': Am in Ireland, send real food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Joe''': Put a guard on that thing, 24/7. And give him a rifle. :'''Tom''': Don’t give the monster a rifle! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After breaking free of his nets Gorgo swings his tail at what looks like an elephant, which blows up.]'' :'''Crow''': I didn't know elephants exploded on impact! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gorgo's mother Ogra begins rampaging through London.]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe [[w:Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]] flies in and kicks his ass? :'''Mike''': ''That'' I'd pay to see. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Bots reminisce about the Dorkin's Circus scenes during the endless military vs. Gorgo battles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': I wish they'd get back to Dorkin. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah! There was a lot of Dorkin at the beginning of the movie. They should show that some more. :'''Servo''': Sure! I mean, who wouldn't rather watch Dorkin than this stock footage? :'''Crow''': Yeah. I— I'd just really, really like to watch people dorkin'. :'''Servo''': D'oh! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! Tha— that doesn't even work! :'''Crow''': ''[lewdly]'' Oh, it works, Mike. Heh heh heh. :'''Mike''': That's enough, you two. Enough Dorkin! I— :''[Mike throws his hands up in exasperation.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what I mean. Stop it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After the latest attack by the British military on Gorgo's mom proves ineffective.]'' :'''Servo''': Pacifist or not, Gandhi's gotta be chuckling right now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Sean watches Gorgo and his mother leave the blazing ruins of London and head back to the ocean]'' :'''Sean''': She's going back now—back to the sea. :'''Servo [as Sean]''': ...With the blood of many on her scales. === [[w:The Final Sacrifice|The Final Sacrifice]] === :'''Crow''': If it goes out again, I'm grabbing my blender. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film is credited as "A Tjardus Greidanus Film".]'' :'''Mike''': I understand everything up to the word "A". :'''Crow''': He comes from a long line of great anuses. :. . . :'''Crow''': That's an [[w:anagram|anagram]] for "direct to video!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Bharbara Egan.]'' :'''Crow''': That's an illegal use of a silent consonant! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the name Ron Anderson and Randy Vasseur in the opening credits.]'' :'''Mike''': You know what? This has the bacony smell of Canada all over it. :'''Servo''': Already. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]'' :'''Servo''': Seven years after the ''credits''? :'''Mike''': ''[confused]'' I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as figure]''': Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate. :. . . :'''Mike''': Heh... you know, people are just ''dying'' to&mdash; :'''Servo''': ''[sharply]'' '''''No.''''' :'''Mike''': ...Sorry. :. . . :''[Troy visits his father's grave.]'' :'''Troy''': ''[voiceover]'' Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Troy's Father]''': I ''died''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy enters his attic.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, this is where they get all the stuff to put in T.G.I. Fridays. :. . . :''[Troy opens a trunk.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': This is where I've secreted away all my red sweaters. :'''Servo''': Oh, boy. He's going to find out his dad is a rodeo clown. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I don't care if I'm too old. I'm getting my Batman pajamas back out of here. :. . . :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Well, if I'm going to be a ventriloquist dummy, I'd better learn how to live in this trunk. :''[Troy reaches in and pulls out a folder.]'' :'''Crow [as Troy]''': Now I'm going to settle in with the Book of Mormon. :''[He opens the folder and pulls out a picture of his dad.]'' :'''Mike''': [[w:Larry Czonka|Larry Czonka]]! :''[Troy continues to look inside and finds a bunch of old papers.]'' :'''Servo [as Troy]''': Ew, shouldn't have filed that sandwich. :'''Crow [as Troy]''': I've got to find the warranty on this sweater. :''[He opens a box and uncovers a folder labeled "[[w:Lost Lemon Mine|LEMON MINE]]".]'' :'''Mike''': No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in lemon mines!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of Satoris' henchmen cuts through Troy's front door with a chainsaw.]'' :'''Servo''': It's ''open!'' :. . . :'''Crow [as henchman]''': Can I interest you in a replacement door? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his henchmen invade Troy's home, evil, deep-voiced Satoris strolls in.]'' :'''Mike''': Canadian villain Garth Vader. {{hnote|Alluding to Darth Vader's grand entrance in Star Wars.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy outruns the cultists' van on his bike.]'' :'''Mike [as Cultist]''': Damn you, Pee-Wee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over several establishing shots of the run-down part of town, the sound of a car engine trying and failing to turn over is heard.]'' :'''Crow''': Uh-oh, the town's alternator is shot. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zap Rowsdower''': What's your name, laddie? :'''Troy''': Troy MacGregor. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I'm Rowsdower. Zap Rowsdower. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Yeah, well my name is Bill Shtinkwater! :''[Rowsdower's truck starts up.]'' :'''Mike''': Rowsdowermobile, ''away''! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And together they fought crime throughout Southwestern Alberta! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The film keeps cutting between Rowsdower's broken-down pickup, a poorly-repainted Gran Torino, and a stolen ten-speed bike.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[frustrated]'' I'm losing track of the crappy vehicles here! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Troy''': Will you help me find what's behind the map? :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': Oh, I don't go map-findin'-behindin'. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy have lost the pursuing cultists.]'' :'''Zap Rowsdower''': Do you have any idea of what kind of people you're dealing with? :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': They're from [[w:Saskatchewan|Saskatchewan]]! :'''Troy''': No. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': It's a cult. :'''Servo [as Rowsdower]''': They worship [[w:Blue Oyster Cult|blue oysters]]. :'''Zap Rowsdower''': They want to rule the world. :'''Troy''': How do you know? :'''Zap Rowsdower''': I've been around, kid. :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': And I've been a square kid. :'''Servo''': D'oh! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': They used to rule this land. :'''Mike [as Rowsdower]''': They ruled this one acre for about a week. Nobody knew. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower again tries and fails to start his truck as the engine struggles.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[imitating the engine]'' Rowsdower-er-er-er-er... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowsdower''': Go to hell! :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Or at least [[w:Edmonton|Edmonton]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy enter an abandoned shack, Pipper's house, and discover food inside.]'' :'''Troy''': '''FOOD!''' :'''Crow [as Rowsdower]''': Yeah, no beer, though. :'''Pipper''': Hey! Who goes there?! :'''Servo [as Troy]''': More '''FOOD!''' :'''Pipper''': What the hell you doin' here?! :'''Crow [as Troy]''': We were eating your '''FOOD!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower and Troy encounter Mike Pipper, a crazy old hermit, who holds them at gunpoint.]'' :'''Pipper''': McGreggor? Troy McGreggor? ...Thomas's son? :'''Troy''': Yeah! Did you know him? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Pipper]''': Know him? He was delicious! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rowsdower is trudging up a hill]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, how'd he get his pants clean? :'''Servo''': Say what you want about the filthy, grizzled guy, he does a good load of laundry. :. . . :'''Crow''': ''[singing]'' [[w:We Will Rock You|You got mud on your face, you big disgrace, shovin' those sandwiches into your face, singing...]] :'''Crow and Servo''': We will, we will ROWSDOWER! :'''Crow''': SING IT! :''[Servo stops singing, but Crow keeps going.]'' :'''Crow''': We will, we... ''[normally]'' Oh, guess that's over. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Troy is tied up and Rowsder gives him a knife to cut the rope]'' :'''Mike [as Troy]''': I dropped it. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Which is the sharp side? :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Um, I cut both my wrists. :'''Mike [as Troy]''': Uh, I somehow swallowed the knife. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During the final confrontation Troy picks up a rifle and shoots Satoris in the back, who slowly turns to face him.]'' :'''Servo [as Satoris]''': You shot me in the butt! What the ''hell?!'' You shot me ''IN THE BUTT!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The group sing as music plays and the credits start to roll]'' :'''Servo''': Oh baby, Rowsdower saves us and saves all the world! :'''Crow''': He comes to save the day in a broken truck. :'''Mike''': With a stinky denim jacket on his back. :'''Crow''': He couldn't help this movie, which really sucked! :'''Mike''': But at least we didn't have to see him play ''[falters]'' h-hackey sack.... :'''Servo''': ''What?!'' :'''Mike''': Sorry, I panicked. === [[w:Monster Shark|Devil Fish]] === :''[The film's title is shown.]'' :'''Servo:''' The story of [[w:Aleister Crowley|Aleister]] [[w:Crappie|Crappie]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Coming aboard the Seaquarium, Stella and Peter are looking for Dr. Janet.]'' :'''Peter''': Janet! Janet! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Peter]''': Oh, sorry, I forgot. [[Janet Jackson#nasty-names|I'm nasty, Miss Jackson]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad scientist Dr. Davis, armed with a gun, confronts WOI head Dr. West.]'' :'''Dr. Davis''': Anyone who has the chance to tap the enormous reserves of the sea… will have the future, Doctor. :'''Dr. West''': In his hands. :'''Dr. Davis''': Exactly. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Davis]''': Yeah, thanks for helping me out there. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Several squads of locals have volunteered to help the police and Coast Guard track down and burn the Devil Fish, while Peter acts as bait. They pour pink-tinted gasoline in the water.]'' :'''Crow [as Sheriff Gordon]''': Deploy the Countrytime Pink Lemonade! :'''Servo''': I bet they hired every nature-hating ''psycho'' in Dade County. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of skinny woman in bikini on raft]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': See the Human Lady! <hr width="50%"/> :''[That night, the squads are still looking for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number one. Report in. :'''Squad Member''': Squad number one, Sheriff. Ain't seen nothing yet. :'''Crow [as Squad Member]''': [[w:You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet|B-b-b-baby, we ain't seen n-n-nothing yet]], over. : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Servo [as dead squad member]''': We done been et, over! : . . . :'''Sheriff Gordon''': Squad number two. Squad number two! :'''Crow''': Oh, they'll be [[wikt:number two|number two]] soon enough. : . . . :''[The rednecks of Squad Number Two become a light snack for the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Devil Fish]''': ''[singing to Neil Young's "[[w:Southern Man|Southern Man]]"]'' Southern man, gonna eat your head! : . . . :''[The Sheriff and the other squads arrive and again pour gasoline into the water.]'' :'''Crow''': Well, this should take care of ''every living '''thing''''' in the Everglades. : . . . :''[The squads are playing flamethrowers over the gasoline, cooking the Devil Fish.]'' :'''Servo [as Sheriff]''': Okay, now, throw in the diced onions and celery and chopped porcini mushrooms! :'''Crow''': Does the Coast Guard have a ''lot'' of use for flamethrowers? : . . . :''[Close up of burning water.]'' :'''Mike''': Eww, someone threw a match on the [[w:Cuyahoga River|Cuyahoga River]]. === [[w:The Screaming Skull|The Screaming Skull]] === ==== [[w:Gumby|Robot Rumpus]] (A Gumby Adventure) (short) ==== :'''Crow [as Gumby]''': One of my classmates died in the kiln today, ''mother''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tom Servo''': The nice thing about Gumby is that you can also use him as window caulk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumba''': Such clever boys certainly deserve some crackers with their milk! :'''Tom Servo''': ''[sarcastically]'' Crackers? Wow! Maybe they can have white rice later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[One of the robots doing Gumby's yardwork drives its lawnmower through the fence into the next yard.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Hey, don't! That's [[w:Wallace and Gromit|Wallace and Gromit]]'s yard! :''[Another robot chops down a tree.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Hey! That's old-growth clay! :. . . :''[Another robot is ripping slats from the garage.]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Habitat for Humanity|Habitat ''Against'' Humanity]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's dad Gumbo arrives at the house, where we see a cloud — actually, a piece of white fluff — stuck on the construction-paper sky.]'' :'''Crow [as Weatherman]''': It's a fair to partly-cottony day… <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gumby's Mother''': Such clever boys certainly deserve crackers with their milk! :'''Servo''': ''Crackers?'' Wow! Maybe they can have ''white rice'' later! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot is digging up the flower garden.]'' :'''Crow [as mobster]''': [[Goodfellas|Gotta move this body back upstate.]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot throws a wrench at Gumbo, which goes through him and leaves a wrench-shaped hole in his torso.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Terminator 2: Judgment Day|Liquid metal!]] :''[The camera cuts to Gumby's reaction.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumby]:''' Hey, you can throw things through Dad! I'm gonna get an anvil! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo leaps into a trench in order to deactivate one of the robots.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, bad move! Robots do ''not'' fight clean! :''[A moment later, Gumbo flies through the air and lands, legs spread, on the roof of the neighboring house.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Thank goodness for the internal genitalia! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumby's stacked mother gives a stern look at a robot who's invaded the house.]'' :'''Crow [as Gumby's Mother]''': That squares my breasts! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gumbo slides down the fire truck ladder from the roof in a sitting position.]'' :'''Mike [as Gumbo]''': Son, I'm gunna need a can of [[w:Play-Doh|Play-Doh]] to replace my butt. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A robot head hangs over a garage door with the words, "THE END".]'' :'''Servo''': Aah! They hung his head! Oh… :'''Crow''': Now I'm ready for years of powerful [[w:Alfred Adler|Adlerian]] therapy, Mike. :'''Servo''': They hung his head... oh... oh this is worse than ''[[Se7en]]''! :'''Mike''': Hey! His bump is on the other side! ==== The Screaming Skull (movie) ==== :'''Eric''': Jenni, this is Mickey. :'''Mike [as Eric]''': Mickey's a wide-awake nightmare! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jenni''': How did Marian die? :'''Reverend Snow''': Didn't Eric tell you? :'''Crow [as Snow]''': He sat on her head. :'''Jenni''': I think the subject's rather painful to him. I'd like to make him talk about it... :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Let's just say she was riddled with bullets. :'''Jenni''': Would you mind telling me? I'd like to know. :'''Reverend Snow''': ... It was a rainy day... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': And he shot her. :'''Reverend Snow''': She and Mickey had been working up there in the greenhouse. She left him to go back to the house for a few minutes... :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Then a lion jumped out and shot her. At least, that's what Eric said. :'''Reverend Snow''': The way we pieced it together after the accident is that... :'''Servo [as Snow]''' She got shot. :'''Reverend Snow''': ...while she was coming down this path, apparently it began to rain very hard. :'''Servo [as Snow]''': Then she got dead. :'''Reverend Snow''': She must have run along here... we don't know of course what happened then... :'''Mike [as Snow]''': We should have called the police. :'''Reverend Snow''': Perhaps she slipped on a leaf. The base of her skull was smashed. :'''Crow [as Snow]''': Anyway, how are you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni goes to Marian's room, grabs a skull she found in the chifforobe, and flings it out the window.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[Hamlet#Act V|Alas, poor Yorick! She threw him well]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni pours her heart out to Reverend Snow, who looks grim.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Rev. Snow]''': Have you tried talking to ''your'' minister about this? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The face on Marian's tombstone briefly appears to morph into a skull as Eric looks at it.]'' :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Don't you make that skull face at me, missy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a long shot of Jenni sitting on her bed, not moving...]'' :'''Crow''': ''[impatient]'' Can we help you, movie lady? Do you need a push or something? <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the greenhouse, Mickey struggles with an armful of flowerpots, dropping them as he tries to pick more up.]'' :'''Crow''': ''GET A BOX!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Jenni runs from Marian's ghost, the soundtrack has a soprano singing an erratic sequence of creepy notes.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Kiri Te Kanawa|Kiri Te Kanawa]] is drunk again! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jenni, back in the house, is shrieking uncontrollably.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Oh, great! She's playing her [[w:Yoko Ono#Musical career|Yoko Ono]] albums. :'''Mike''': I think the title was supposed to be "Screaming, ''semicolon'', Skull". <hr width="50%"/> :''[There is a long scene of continuous knocking at the door]'' :'''Mike''': Martin Luther is nailing each thesis individually. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eric flees to the stairs, where a skull tumbles down toward him.]'' :'''Crow''': Everyone knows it's [[w:Slinky|Slink-skull!]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': So, this movie's kind of a combination of "[[w:The Tell-Tale Heart|The Tell-Tale Heart]]", ''[[w:Blithe Spirit|Blithe Spirit]]'', and...well, a piece of lint, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The skull is throw out the window and hits the ground rolling, landing right side up.] :'''Crow''': Settled in a divot. :''[The skull twitches.] :'''Servo''': Woof! === [[w:Quest of the Delta Knights|Quest of the Delta Knights]] === :'''Crow''': Well, better than "Quest of the [[w:Delta Burke|Delta Burke]]", I suppose <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Many years ago, terror stalked the land, making life harsh, unfair, and treacherous. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Jimmy Carter|Jimmy Carter]] was in office. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David Warner appears.]'' :'''Crow [as David Warner]''': ''[apologetic]'' In it for the money, folks. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As wizard Baydool drags Travis ("Tee") away from the slave market crowd and into his shack, he tries to get him to talk.]'' :'''Baydool''': ¿Como te llamas? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': Yeah, [[w:Taco Bell chihuahua|yo quiero Taco Bell]], whatever. : . . . :'''Baydool''': Comment vous-appelez vous? :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Je m'appelle… Bite Me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Afraid of Baydool, Tee runs out the door.]'' :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Tee]''': I'll see if [[w:Tom Bombadil|Bombadil]] has a place to crash. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': I was taught that those who I respect, who are wise, I should call "master". :'''Crow [as Tee]''': Right, [[w:Masturbation|Mr. Bater]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool scares off an intruder by throwing the contents of his chamber pot at him.]'' :'''Pearl''': Ew, wizard whiz! :'''Crow''': Drain the wizard! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee stops Baydool just as a hammer falls from a roof in front of them.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Tee]''': [[w:Please Hammer Don't Hurt 'Em|Please, hammer, don't hurt 'im]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lord Vultare has an audience with the Mannerjay while slaves fan her.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Slave]''': Do you want me to oscillate, Ma'am? : . . . :'''Lord Vultare''': We've rounded up a number of suspects. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Vultare]''': …[[w:The Usual Suspects|including Kevin Spacey]]. :'''Lord Vultare''': I'm certain some of them are spies for the Order. :'''Mannerjay''': What of the map? :'''Lord Vultare''': No word. It seems… :'''[[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl]] [as Vultare]''': …chilly in here. Could you turn down your guy? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Baydool shows Tee some blow darts.]'' :'''Baydool''': These will put anyone to sleep in no time. :'''Crow''': They're tiny [[w:James Michener|James Michener]] books! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After another attack by Vultare's thugs ends in failure.]'' :'''Tom''': The Vikings in this movie don't vike very well. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee, Leonardo and Thena set off on horseback after a confusing scene of exposition.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Well, this movie has lost me. It's lost me and it's trotting off without me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Tee and Leonardo are recaptured by the forest Prince, a noisy, loony henchman drops out of the trees in belated pursuit.]'' :'''Loony Henchman''': I'm com-iiiing! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as The Prince]''': Put a sock in it, [[w:Legolas|Legolas]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Tee''': When in doubt, rest. :'''Crow''': You are full of crap beyond your years, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tee sets up an explosive device at the mouth of the Storehouse.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Tee [[w:Mr. T|pities the fool]] who gets in his way. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Vultare is reading what appears to be Archimedes' plans for his high-tech weapon.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Vultare]''': [[w:Engrish|Enjoy much scientific pleasure with magnificent operation]]. == Season 10 == === [[w:Soultaker (film)|Soultaker]] === :''[All-black-clad Soultaker walks down the a hospital hallway, blinking in and out of the picture.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! Johnny Cash! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Soultaker/Cash]''': ''[singing to "[[w:I Walk the Line|I Walk the Line]]"]'' Because you're mine, I walk the intensive care unit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker opens up a stopwatch, which ticks a la the opening sequence to [[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]].]'' :'''Servo''': I'm [[Ed Bradley]]... :'''Mike''': I'm [[w:Steve Kroft|Steve Kroft]]... :'''Crow''': I'm [[w:Lesley Stahl|Lesley Stahl]]... <hr width="50%"/> :''[The title card swoops into view.]'' :'''Servo [as [[w:Don Cornelius|Don Cornelius]]]''': The [[w:Soul Train|SOUUUUUUUUUUUUULTAKER!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie is getting dressed for Summerfest.] :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': That's not Natalie, that's [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! :. . . :''[A grooming Natalie appraises herself in the mirror.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': You're dead, [[w:Nancy Kerrigan|Nancy Kerrigan]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[some jokes about Brad's car]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh, that car must reek of [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]! : . . . :'''Mike''': I'll bet whoever had that car after him never got the smell of [[w:Marlboro_%28cigarette%29|Marlboro Lights]] and [[w:Hardee's|Hardee's]] out of the upholstery! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Karen drives off with her uniformed Navy boyfriend, Natalie tries to call her back.]'' :'''Natalie''': Karen! :'''Mike [as Karen]''': Sorry! [[w:Up Where We Belong|Love is lifting me up where I belong!]] :. . . :''[Natalie stomps in frustration.]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': The lace on my skate broke! : . . . :''[Zack comes up behind Natalie and startles her. As she spins around…]'' :'''Crow [as Natalie/Tonya]''': [[w:Jeff Gillooly|Jeff Gillooly]] did it! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by [[w:Joe Estevez|Joe Estevez]]) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.] :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin Sheen]]. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A prolonged still shot of a tree as the speeding car approaches.] :'''Mike [as tree]''': Hi. I'm a tree. Just wanted to put in a good word or two in for nature since the camera's on me. Thanks for your time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie et al have been thrown from the crashed car, and she appears dead on the ground.]'' :'''Mike''': She's survived by her Danskins. : . . . :''[Natalie dizzily gets to her feet after the crash.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Natalie/Tonya]''': Whoa! [[w:Salchow jump|Triple salchow]] really takes it out of you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker bears down on Tommy in a convenience store.]'' :'''Tommy''': What do you want? :'''Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]''': Do you have a phone, so I can call [[w:Martin Sheen|Martin]] to take over my role? <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker hovers over Tommy, preparing to take his soul]'' :'''The Soultaker''': ''[ominously]'' It's Closing Time! :'''Servo''': Does that mean that [[w:Closing Time (Semisonic song)|every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[At Summerfest, Tommy randomly goes up to a woman and kisses her on the lips.]'' :'''Tommy''': Thanks! :''[The woman laughs it off.]'' :'''Mike [as Woman]''': I just got assaulted, it's fun! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At a bus stop, Natalie (played by screenwriter Vivian Schilling) freaks about her mother at home with the Soultaker.]'' :'''Natalie''': My mom! He's done something to my mom! :'''Zach''': No, no—your mom is fine! She's at the hospital. :'''Natalie''': What? :'''Mike [as Zach/Actor]''': Hey, look—you wrote this crap! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Natalie lies unconscious in a hospital bed, respirator in mouth.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[singing in [[w:Peter Frampton|Peter Frampton]]/[[w:talkbox|talkbox]] voice]'' I wanna thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Zach's friend Brad, now a Soultaker himself, is explaining the Afterlife to Zach.]'' :'''Brad''': You still haven't figured it out, have you, man? :'''Crow''': We have! Can we go?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Soultaker confronts Zach at the hospital rooftop edge after a long chase scene.]'' :'''Crow [as Soultaker]''': Muhuhahahahaha! You're ''it!'' :'''Soultaker''': It's all over now. :'''Servo''': Oh, ho, I wish that were true! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Oh, Frank, I thought you were dead! :'''TV's Frank''': I ''am'' dead. ''[pause]'' I was in Second Banana Heaven for a while, but it is ''so political'' up there. Pat Buttram had it in for me right from the start. So, then I was an angel for a while, and then I got into big trouble for appearing to people as Della Reese. Scared the hell out of them. So, they transferred me to Soultaker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''':I knew these two would get along. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Maybe they have this wondrous, frilly wedding in the frou frou land of bunnies where magical fairies blow kisses to the stars, and the polka-dotted toadstools sing, 'Good Ship Lollipop,' to the tiny mice in their little feetie pajamas. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cuts to a scene with a smiley face balloon as main characters' souls are taken]'' :'''Crow''': Oh sure, just shove the irony down our throats! === [[w:Girl in Gold Boots|Girl in Gold Boots]] === :''[The movie opens with scantily clad go-go dancers performing.]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, I'm sorry, I'm projecting my dreams again. :. . . :'''Servo''': Shouldn't we be in individual booths for this movie? :. . . :'''Crow''': It's a jerk and pony marathon. :. . . :'''Servo''': Mike, you're a human being. How come ''you'' don't have a body like that? :. . . :'''Crow''': The Kennedy Center tribute to Judy Carne. :. . . :'''Mike''': Ed Grimley choreographed this dance. :. . . :'''Servo''': Why does Noam Chomsky insist these women open for him? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Listening to song called "Everything I Touch Turns to Gold"]'' :'''Crow''': What happens when you touch ''gold''? :'''Servo [as Michelle's drunk, dirty father]''': Everything I touch turns to flies. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over a shot of the diner showing the word "EAT"]'' :'''Servo''': They forgot the "ME". :'''Mike''': Ah, the nights we lingered over brandy at "Eat". <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buz furtively unzips his jacket and checks the pistol tucked into his belt as he steps out of his car.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Buz]''': Wh... oh, a ''gun''. So ''that'' was the loud report and burning sensation in my groin! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michelle's Father''': Don't get smart with me! :'''Michelle''': I'm ''not'' getting smart! :'''Mike [as Michelle]''': I ''can't''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle comes out of the kitchen, crying after being yelled at by her drunken father.]'' :'''Buz''': What's wrong? :'''Crow [as Michelle]''': I just found out what's in the "Special Sauce!" <hr width="50%"/> :''' [voice over]''' there goes- (voice over suddenly cuts out) :'''Crow''': You can say that ag- <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': I'll have ten Hershey bars. :'''Crow''': ''Tin'' Hershey bars? Those are hard to eat. :'''Michelle''': That'll be one dollar. :'''Servo [as Critter]''': I've got a "Happenings" coupon! :'''Critter''': Can you cash a hundred? :'''Michelle''': I've never even seen one! :'''Critter''': Fifty? :''[Michelle shakes her head "no."]'' :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Oh. Well, I'll have a thousand Hershey bars then, I guess. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A bad cut makes Buz suddenly appear while two other characters are talking]'' :'''Servo [as Buz]''': I'm back! :... :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Anybody notice that I'm here now? :... :'''Crow [as Buz]''': C'mon, I just ''teleported'' here! It's impressive! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Critter''': Ever since I got back I've been carrying my billfold full of [[w:Nepal|Nepalese]] money. :'''Crow''': From the land of Nipples! : . . . :''[Buz demands money from Michelle, and looks at what she hands over with apprehension.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Your money's from [[w:Senegal|Senegal]]! : . . . :''[Realizing Michelle has only ten dollars, Buz asks for more money from Critter.]'' :'''Critter''': Yeah, I can come up with my own share. :'''Mike [as Critter]''': Ah, here's some [[w:Guatemalan quetzal|Guatemalan quetzal]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gas Station Attendant''': Will this be cash or charge? :'''Buz''': Cash. :''[While the attendant is turned away, Buz draws a gun and pistol whips the man.]'' :'''Crow''': On second thought, I'll just put it on my ''gun''! :'''Servo''': Heh, that guy's totally ''pistol''-whipped, man. : . . . :''[Buz puts up the "Closed" sign and locks the door as he leaves the store.]'' :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Aw, shoot. They're closed! ...oh. :'''Servo [as Buz]''': Heheh! I locked my car keys in the store! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michelle dances enthusiastically to a bongo beat at Leo's party.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': She makes [[w:The Little Kicks|Elaine Benes]] look like a good dancer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]'' :'''Mike [as Man]''': ''[politely]'' Excuse me, young man—can I get a "fix"? :''[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]'' :'''Servo [as Man]:''' No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[While the characters are planning to rob the local prison's evidence room, Mike and the Bots discover Buz is supposed to be a teenager despite the fact that the actor who plays him is clearly pushing 40.]'' :'''Harry''': I'll need someone to come with me. Um, the boy'll do. ''[Points to Buz.]'' :'''Mike''': Boy?! : . . . :'''Leo''': Excuse me, Mr. Blatz, while I have a talk with this bright young man. ''[Pulls Buz aside.]'' :'''Servo''': I don't know why they think he's so young, the guy's in his forties! : . . . :'''Crow [as Buz]''': Wow, a young kid like me, breaking into crime! : . . . :''[Professional lockpicker Harry Blatz and Buz have just finished burglarizing the police evidence locker.]'' :'''Harry''': I won't mind seein' you go, because I know that there's now only one way to keep me from getting my share. :''[Buz attacks Harry from behind.]'' :'''Mike [as Harry]''': Yep, that's the way, you figured out how to do it! Beatin' in my skull with a tire iron! Oop, there's my brains on the floor! : . . . :'''Mike [as Buz]''': Yes, my plan is perfect. I've been spotted by several people ''and'' I killed a guy! :'''Servo''': Well, what do you expect, he's ''only a child''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The characters drive through Los Angeles. Footage of the drive begins with a display of Christmas trees.]'' :'''Mike''': Hey, they drove straight to Christmas Village to blow the wad. :'''Servo''': ''[Singing to the tune of "Sleigh Ride"]'' ''Oh, it's lovely weather for a surfboard together with you...'' : . . . :''[We see a billboard for ''Doctor Dolittle'' starring Rex Harrison.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Doctor Dolittle''? That doesn't look like Eddie Murphy. : . . . :'''Servo''': I think someone slipped us their vacation videos. :'''Crow''': Okay, keep it coming. I'm not convinced they're in L.A. yet. :'''Mike''': An 18-story office building? This could only be L.A.! : . . . :'''Servo''': ''[singing along with the music]'' ''Oh, Charles Manson walks our streets,'' :''The Zodiac killer's at large,'' :''Charles Bukowski is puking out the window,'' :''And Santa Claus is on his way!'' : . . . :''[The gang drives up to a nightclub labeled "HAUNTED HOUSE".]'' :'''Crow''': Merry Christmas, everyone! Let's go to the Haunted House! <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the end of the movie, it's implied that former draft dodger Critter has decided to serve after all.]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, so he learns he ''enjoys'' violence, and he's ready to kill like a man oughta. : . . . :''[While Critter accompanies himself on guitar, Michelle moves not quite to the beat, while harmonica sounds come from nowhere.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Honey, way to play the harmonica with your ass! :'''Mike''': So here's a puzzler: who of these two is worse at their art form? : . . . :'''Servo''': She's dancing the specials at [[w:T.G.I. Friday's|T.G.I. Friday's]]. :'''Crow''': Well, I hope she tells us, in dance, about the [[w:Jack Daniel's|Jack Daniel's]] grill. : . . . :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' But you must come down, put your feet on the ground, by and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You're living a lie. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' You gotta come down. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' You dance like a clown. :'''Critter''': ''[singing]'' By and by. :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' I hope that you ''die''! === [[w:Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders|Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders]] === :'''Pearl [introducing the movie]''': I invite you to suffer through today's movie. It's called ''Merlin's Shop of Mystical Wonders'', and it's a delightful Bambi romp through a flowery fairy land of happy, harmless, fru-fru family fun for the whole family of all ages ... or IS IT!? Taste the rainbow of fruit pain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[a bolt of lightning knocks the power out]'' :'''[[w:Ernest Borgnine|Grandpa]]''': Uh-oh! :'''Crow [as Grandpa]''': We better eat all the ice cream! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the dark sky, a single star flares brightly before going dim again]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the star]''': ''[straining]'' Twinkle! ''[grunts]'' That's all I got. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Young Nicholas and his mother await the mysterious introduction to Merlin at his shop, where a fog creeps slowly across the floor.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Merlin sends in his trained flatulence to scout the room. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cooper''': ''[snidely]'' Allow me to introduce myself. :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': I'm Bob Jackass. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper and Madeline proceed to leave Merlin's shop after his warning Cooper about using any of the spells in his spellbook]'' :'''Servo [as Cooper]''': Look, my reviews have destroyed whole cities! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper has inadvertently given himself "dragon's breath" as a side effect of a summoning spell, and subsequently set his basement on fire.]'' :'''Mike''': Clearly, Merlin has brought ''good'' into the world! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Novice magician Cooper is force-feeding a potion to his cat Miffy with a dropper.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Miffy]''': Meow, meow... [[w:Marathon Man|safe! Meow, meow... very safe!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Aged with magic use, Cooper infuses his cat with an evil spirit and then fire-breathes on it to stop its attacks.]'' :'''Servo [as Madeline]''': Honey? You okay down there? :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Cooper]''': Well, I got old and roasted the cat alive with my breath, but I'm fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin's wife Zurella orders him to retrieve the evil cymbal-monkey toy.]'' :'''Merlin''': Don't I get a kiss? :'''Zurella''': You'll get a lot more than that if you don't get out there and find that thing! Now, go! :'''Mike''': So, she threatened him with sex? <hr width="50%"/> :''[David's son is watching a Japanese cartoon on TV.]'' :'''Mike''': Why, here's something else Satan created: [[w:anime|Japanimation]]! :'''Servo''': It's the anime version of [[w:Peter_Rabbit|Peter Rabbit]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[seeking help from a psychic in regards to the monkey]'' Why do I have to deal with it alone? :'''Adrianne''': Listen to me, David! As a psychic, I have an aura of a certain nature that the demon would unquestionably sense! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': Wake up! :'''Adrianne''': The moment I set foot in your house, all hell would break loose, ''literally''! :'''David''': Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything about evil spirits- :'''Adrianne''': ''[seemingly agitated]'' Get that toy out of your house! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You idiot! :'''David''': I have a feeling that's not going to be so easy to do. :''[Adrianne gives David a medallion]'' :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': You want some peanuts? :'''David''': What's that? :'''Adrianne''': It's called a bethogram. :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': I sense the demon's name is Beth. :'''David''': This is supposed to protect me from the demon, huh? :'''Adrianne''': Yes, just keep it in your possession at all times. :'''David''': Great, should I wear garlic around my neck, too? :'''Adrianne''': My God, David! :'''Mike [as Adrianne]''': You moron! :'''David''': I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just wish that you could come- :'''Adrianne''': I know! I am sorry! I wish I could do the exorcism for you, but this is something you'll have to do on your own! :'''Crow [as Adrianne]''': Damn it! :'''Adrianne''': And remember David, ''NEVER'' let it know! :'''Servo [as Adrianne]''': You stupid bastard! I could stab you in the eyes right now, so help me God!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[David is attempting to escape from a crack in the earth created by the evil toy monkey.]'' :'''David''': God help me! :'''Servo [as God]''': Sorry, Unitarian. According to you, I'm in the butterflies and the sun, and I'm just a vague, benevolent force. ''[muttering]'' You're on your own. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Merlin]''': I'm going to hit the mystical can. : . . . :'''Crow [as Merlin]''': Remember to believe in magic... or I'll ''kill'' you. <hr width="50%"/> : '''Mike [as Merlin, who is standing still nodding to himself while looking around the room]''': I did a good job painting this room <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': And so, Billy, the little boy who looks just like you, went through terrible, irredeemable grief! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the kid]''': No, Grandpa Borgnine, leave light and hope for me! Please! :'''Crow [as Grandpa Borgnine]''': Get out from behind that cushion, Billy! It gets worse! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is giving Cooper sage advice.]'' :'''Merlin''': Heed my words.... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...munch my shorts.... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is "reviewing" Merlin's shop.]'' :'''Cooper''': Do you know who ''I'' am? ''I'' am the supreme being! :'''Servo''': [[w:Eric Clapton|Clapton]]? :'''Cooper''': I chew places like this up and spit them into the toilet. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ''[laughs]'' Why? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Merlin is practically purring to Madeline.]'' :'''Merlin''': Ohh, Mrs. Cooper... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Merlin]''': ...you fine! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A burglar alarm goes off, as a seedy looking man runs off into the alley.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] ''': Merlin was a thieving crack head, who fenced VCR's to feed his habit. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A kid looks at the front of Merlin's shop as the movie goes into slow motion.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as the Kid]''': ''[slowly]'' Loooooooook, mommmmmmmy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cooper is grinning at Merlin's expense.]'' :'''Cooper''': You really think you are Merlin, don't you? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Cooper]''': My cheek-lines disagree. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Grandpa, played by Ernest Borgnine, has just finished telling his grandson the awful Merlin story that he wrote for TV]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Grandpa]''': I have another script called ''[[Chinatown (film)|Chinatown]]'', but I don't like it as much. === [[w:Future War|Future War]] === :''[Credits read: "A David Hue production"].'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': In association with Bob [[w:Tet Offensive|Tet Offensive]] Productions. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The opening credits identify actor [[w:Robert Z'Dar|Robert Z'Dar]].]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Oh z'no. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie opens, the Runaway (Swiss martial-arts actor [[w:Daniel Bernhardt|Daniel Bernhardt]]) creeps along a wall.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Hey, it's [[w:Jean Claude Van Damme|Jean Claude Van Damme]]! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Eh, it's more like Jean Claude Gosh Darn. :''[Armed with a shotgun, Fred, a hefty African-American man, follows him.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Fred]''': Am I [[w:Ving Rhames|Ving Rhames]]? I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A midget [[w:Tyrannosaurus rex|Tyrannosaurus rex]] (actually a hand puppet) growls at the Runaway in an alley.]'' :'''Crow:''' He's a Cute-a-saurus! :''[The T-Rex lunges for the Runaway's neck]'' :'''Servo''': He's being attacked by a [[w:schnauzer|schnauzer]] in a dinosaur costume. :''[The Runaway stabs the creature in the neck and he goes down quickly.]'' :'''Mike''': ''[laughs]'' Wow, that was easy! Maybe it was butterflies that wiped out the dinosaurs? :''[Shortly after the Runaway escapes, the dinosaur explodes.]'' :'''Servo''': Ooh...no wonder fossils are so rare! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A homeless man is attacked and eaten by a dinosaur.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': You know, this has got to be about the last thing you worry about when you're living in a dumpster. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway flees through a shipping yard and throws obviously empty cardboard boxes at his pursuer.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Boxes of air, shipped anywhere overnight. : . . . :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Maybe they ship fully inflated balloons overseas? : . . . :''[The Runaway finds himself at a dead end among the boxes.]'' :'''Crow''': He's ''boxed'' in! :'''Mike''': Yeah, well, I'm card-''bored''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':Alright there should be a delay of movie penalty :'''Servo''' ''[makes whistle sound]'' fifteen yards. <hr width="50%"/> :''[from a high-angle shot, the main character throws a harpoon and clearly hits nothing, but the puppet dinosaur keels over]'' :'''Crow [as Daniel Bernhardt]''': So when you edit this, it's going to look like I hit him, right? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Hey, how did you know who I was? :'''Officer''': Fred Burrows told us how he got you to give him a ride. Don't worry, you're free to go. :'''Mike''': Fred Burrows? :'''Servo''': Somebody look in your Rolodex for a Fred Burrows. ... :''[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]'' :'''Crow [as the Runaway]''': Fred Burrows! Help me! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ann and the Runaway escape a dinosaur in the back of a man's pickup truck.]'' :'''Ann''': DRIIIIIVE! :'''Mike''': [[w:Surge (soft drink)|SUUUUURGE!]] :'''Ann''': ''DRIIIIIIIIVE!'' :'''Crow [as driver]''': Look, how much more can I drive? There's no inherent quantity of driving that I can increase! ...If you want me to go ''faster'', then you need to tell me that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Characters are hunting dinosaurs, with incessant deep bell music]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': According to the bells, it's 97 o'clock. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shot of a bomb timer, counting down extremely quickly]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Introducing new, faster seconds! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the Runaway fights the Cyborg, the camera cuts to Ann fidgeting nervously]'' :'''Crow [as Ann]''': I'm ''fretting''. See, audience? I'm ''fretting''. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': This isn't a real movie, it's more of a movie loaf. :'''Mike''': Yeah, it's made from real movie parts, chunked and formed. <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of the many, many inept action scenes.]'' :'''Crow''': OK, my theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Runaway and the Cyborg Master's fight is filled with various continuity errors, as pointed out by Mike.]'' :'''Mike''': ''Huh??'' :'''Servo''': The movie that packs more "''Huh''s" per second! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': Everything he wanted was everything I needed... :'''Crow [as Ann]''': So neither of us actually got anything. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': I could mention that this isn't the future and it's not a war, but you know me, I don't like to complain. === [[w:Zaat|Blood Waters of Dr. Z]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Blood waters, huh? Guess Dr. Z had a little kidney problem. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Close-up of some unidentifiable part of a fish.] :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Please enjoy a fish anus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mad narrator Dr. Leopold discusses how the [[w:walking catfish|walking catfish]] moves.]'' :'''Narrator''': Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the tail. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': ...like [[w:Courtney Love|Courtney Love]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Leopold the fish monster attacks a swimming beauty in a bikini.]'' :'''Mike''': He's a [[wikt:cop a feel|Cop-a-feel]]-[[w:Coelacanth|acanth]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[INPIT agent Martha Walsh begins to strip out of her [[w:jumpsuit|jumpsuit]].]'' :'''Servo''': Mike, how come you don't look like this in your jumpsuit? :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': A-are you sure you're buying the right ''kind'' of jumpsuit? :'''Mike''': Hmmm... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dr. Leopold lumbers into town after having turned himself into a half-man, half-catfish monster.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[excited]'' Oh! Oh! Oh! You know who they need to take care of him? Huh? Do you know? Huh? Do you know? ''[[Catfish Hunter]]'', that's who! Ha ha ha! :'''Mike''': ''[unimpressed]'' Hmm... that doesn't really work for me. See, the guy changed his name. :'''Crow''': Yeah, to Catfish Chapstick, so the joke doesn't work. :'''Servo''': ''[deflated]'' Oh... but it was a good joke! Wordplay like that doesn't come around so often. :'''Mike''': But it only works if you get the correct, current name. :'''Servo''': ''[disappointed]'' So the joke doesn't work? Sheesh... :. . . :'''Mike''': Tom, are... are you sulking? :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' No! :'''Mike''': Yes you are, look—look, I'm sorry. It was a good joke... :'''Crow''': No! No it wasn't, Mike, 'cause his name is Catfish Chapstick... :'''Mike''': Ssshh! He's suffered enough. === [[w:Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues|Boggy Creek II: And the Legend Continues...]] === :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': And the legend continues... to be not heard about, by anyone! <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a scene set amongst ardent University of Arkansas football fans.]'' :'''Mike''': A razorback hat lacks the quiet dignity of a [[w:Green Bay Packers|cheese wedge]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a subplot comes to an entirely unsatisfying end.]'' :'''Servo''': And so, the completely pointless stretch of movie whimpers out like a small, dying ''rat''. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator "Doc" Lockhart introduces himself and his travelling companions.]'' :'''Doc''': Leslie Ann Walker. All I know about her is she's a good friend of... Tanya Yazzie, my prize student. :'''Servo [as Doc]''': Prize student in that she gets Cs, but she's really cute. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike [as Lockhart]''': We're goin' camping, and you're gonna watch. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc enters a backwater country store which has no obvious merchandise, other than a turquoise, plastic pith helmet.]'' :'''Crow [as Lockhart]''': Do ya'll have any turquoise, plastic pith helmets? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc and party get ready to leave the backwater country store.]'' :'''Servo''': Ya'll like to contribute to our fund for the [[w:War of Northern Aggression|War against Northern Aggression]]? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tim is walking around shirtless]'' :'''Crow''': Geez, kid, do a push-up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In a flashback scene, the Creature and a farmer stare at each other through the farmer's barn.]'' :'''Mike [as the Creature]''': Well, I'll be damned... farmers ''do'' exist! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shirtless Tim walks up to someone's front door.]'' :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Can I borrow a cup of shirt? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tanya, with long dark hair and apparently wearing no undergarments, runs through the woods.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Lucy Lawless|Lucy Bra-less]]! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Leslie''': ''[Over a walkie-talkie.]'' Tanya, do you read? :'''Mike [as Tanya]''': Third grade level! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is looking at his "radar" set up in the woods as his two assistants test it out.]'' :'''Crow [as Doc]''': Boy, Tim's a real strong blip on my [[w:gaydar|gaydar]]. :. . . :'''Doc''': ''[over CB]'' Tim? :'''Crow [as Tim]''': Yes, Dad...I mean professor-who-is-in-no-way-my-dad-giving-me-a-role-in-his-movie? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc is in the woods, as Leslie watches for the creature on the radar back at base camp.]'' :'''Leslie''': ''[over the walkie-talkie]'' He's close to you! :'''Doc''': My left or my right? :'''Servo''': Well, which way are you ''facing'', idiot? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Doc finishes narrating as his group begins walking up some stairs to Crenshaw's place.]'' :'''Mike [as Doc]''': I put Tim in the front of the line to absorb the first hail of bullets. === [[w:Track of the Moon Beast|Track of the Moon Beast]] === :'''Pearl''': Brain-Dead, let's send these guys, Track of the Moon Beast. It stars nobody, and features nothing. I hope you gag on it. <hr width=50%/> :''[Archaeology professor Johnny "Longbow" Salina and his students walk off after a prank.]'' :'''Kathy''': Um… why do you call him "Johnny Longbow"? :'''Paul''': Well, it's his Indian name. His tribal one. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Paul]''': Like [[w:Wahoo McDaniel|Wahoo McDaniel]]. :'''Paul''': It translates: "warrior's bow that... reaches long to its mark". :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Kathy]''': Oh! Is he seeing anyone? <hr width="50%"/> :''[During one of Johnny Longbow's long-winded monologues, thunder rumbles in the distance.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Stop talking, Johnny Longbone(sic)! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A meteor has just landed right by Paul and Kathy.]'' :'''Kathy''': Paul, are you alright? What happened? :'''Servo''': She gets off the ground saying, "What happened?" ''a lot.'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kathy is worried about a cut on Paul's forehead.]'' :'''Paul''': I don't live too far from here. And I have lots of antiseptics at my place. :'''Servo''': Dozens! No, ''hundreds'' of antiseptics! :'''Kathy''': Your place? :'''Paul''': Yeah, my place. :'''Mike''': I call it "Antiseptic Manor." :'''Kathy''': Fine. Your place, then. :''[Thunder rumbles.]'' :'''Crow [as God]''': Not his place! Fornicators! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul zeroes in on Kathy's face for a smooch.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Paul]''': Let me explain by auguring my tongue into your mouth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Paul rises after fainting.]'' :'''Paul''': I guess I blacked out. :'''Mike''': Um, ''excuse'' me, you ''African-Americaned'' out. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Late at night, Paul leans against his pet lizard's cage, which is as tall as he is.'']'' :'''Mike''': He sure gave that lizard a lot of headroom! :'''Crow''': Maybe he has a trampoline in there. : . . . :''[Paul gazes at the lizard, who stares stonily back.]'' :'''Mike [as Lizard]''': Well... now I can't get back to sleep, either. What do you wanna do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As a shirtless Paul roams at night, the camera cuts to a shot of the moon and zooms in.]'' :'''Crow''': Tha— That's just a picture of the moon! :'''Servo''': Yeah, the moon backed out of this movie at the last minute. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Two young Native American boys practice archery, while stereotypical "Indian" music plays on the soundtrack.]'' :'''Mike [as Boy]''': Thanks for the stereotype music! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the hospital, Kathy has an audio flashback, during which she stares vacantly into space.]'' :'''Mike''': Brain has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down.{{hnote|''... has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down'' was an error message that became infamous for its wording and overuse in early, less-stable versions of Microsoft Windows.}} <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny and Captain Mac, looking for Paul, drive past a road sign for [[w:U.S. Route 66|U.S. Route 66]].]'' :'''Crow''': [[w:Route 66 (song)|Get your kicks on meeee-ee-ee]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny tells Kathy of his plan to give Paul a quick death.]'' :'''Kathy''': Johnny, you can't ''do'' this! Paul's your ''friend''! Paul— :'''Johnny''': ''PAUL'' IS NOT ''PAUL'' ANYMORE! :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': HE'S ''[[w:Superman|SUPER PAUL]]''! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Johnny Longbow stares thoughtfully off into the night.]'' :'''Servo [as Johnny]''': I see... [[w:Native American gambling enterprises|a huge casino]]! :'''Mike''': Oh, come on. === [[w:Final Justice (1985 film)|Final Justice]] === :'''Mike''': Aw, can't I have just ''one more'' justice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo shoots an Italian suspect and he falls from a small ledge in slow motion.]'' :'''Crow''': In the time it takes him to fall, the government in Italy changes three times! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The MST3K crew makes fun of the television version's censorship during a particularly profanity-heavy scene.]'' :'''Palermo''': ''[After his brother has been shot by Geronimo.]'' You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': ...what? :'''Servo''': Huh. What do you think he's a son of? [[w:Son_of_a_Preacher_Man|Son of a preacher man]]? [[w:Son_of_a_Son_of_a_Sailor_(song)|Son of a son of a sailor]], maybe? : . . . :'''Palermo''': You son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': Uh... something! : . . . :'''Geronimo''': Get off your knees, you son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': Same thing you said! : . . . :'''Palermo''': I swear to God, you're gonna pay for this, you-- ''[Audio edit]''! :'''Servo [as Palermo]''': I'll kill you, but I won't curse you! : . . . :''[Much, much later in the movie...]'' :'''Servo''': Maybe this would be a good time to call him a "son of a-- ''[Audio edit]''!" <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': You've got the right to remain silent. :'''Mike''': Oh, he ''is'' a real cop! :'''Geronimo''': ''[Knocks the suspect out.]'' And all that other ****. :'''Mike''': ...oh. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Government official Wilson discusses Texas Ranger Geronimo's mission to extradite murderer Palermo to Italy.]'' :'''Wilson''': Ah, you see, Mr. Palermo's been a major source of embarrassment to the Italian Government. :'''Mike [as Wilson]''': That's hard to do! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Guests of ''Final Justice'' fly TWA. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''': Yeah, let's get out the manual. Kill someone? Turn to page 37. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo has challenged a villian to a duel in a rainstorm. Cut to close-up of his rain-dripping hand.] :'''Servo''': Ugh, he's sweating [[w:palm oil|palm kernel oil]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo and Palermo's taxi races down the road as Palermo's allies attack from their own sedan.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Announcer]''': Cars provided by [[w:Matchbox|Matchbox]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltese taxi driver''': Do you know [[w:John Wayne|John Wayne]]? :'''Mike [as Geronimo]''': [[w:John Wayne Gacy|Gacy]], yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geronimo leaps from a car just before it explodes.]'' :'''Crow''': Joe Don Baker's famous delayed reaction farts! : . . . :''[As the fiery explosion clears, a car door inexplicably falls from the sky.]'' :'''Servo''': And God sends a door chassis from Heaven. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Malta, Geronimo confronts three henchman in a classic spaghetti-Western showdown.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': [[The Good, the Bad and the Ugly|The Ugly, the Ugly, and the Ugly]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Geronimo''': Carnival? Is it a big carnival? :'''Crow [as Geronimo]''': Can I get a balloon? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Guess he's a... [[w:Thelonious Monk|felonious monk]]! :. . . :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Palermo]''': I'm gonna [[w:95 Theses|nail some theses]] to his head! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Joe Don Baker is wearing a cowboy outfit]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': [[w:Meat Loaf|Meat Loaf]], Texas Ranger. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the final showdown, Geronimo cuts his own catchphrase off halfway through to shoot Palermo dead.]'' :'''Servo''': Our hero: a big, stinky cheater! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Over the end credits theme, "You Better Run" by Bill Scott]'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Servo''': ''Or he'll steal your lunch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better hi-i-ide'' :'''Crow''': ''...your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''You better ru-u-un'' :'''Mike''': ''Cause he's got the runs!'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''Cause he won't stop till he gets his man'' :'''Crow''': ''Or your lu-u-unch!'' :'''Mike''': Oh yeah! :'''Servo''': Woo! :'''Crow''': Lay it! :. . . :'''Bill Scott''': ''They say his kind isn't bound for heaven/The ranger...'' :'''Crow''': ''Takes a roast and wraps it in bacon'' :'''Bill Scott''': ''That may be true'' :'''Servo''': ''But there's potatoes on the si-i-ide!'' Woo! :'''Crow''': Yeah! Pass the gravy now! :'''Mike''': You know, maybe we should lay off the food jokes, guys. :'''Crow''': Yeah, I guess it's not really fair to Joe Don Baker. :'''Mike''': I mean, some people just metabolize a little slower – :'''Servo''': ''MEATBALLS FRIED IN LA-A-ARD!'' :'''Crow''': All right, Servo! Sorry, Mike, all bets are off. :'''Mike''': Oh, come on now. :'''Crow and Servo''': ''Eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, munch, munch, munch, munch, chew, chew, chew, chew, gorge, gorge, gorge, gorge, burp, burp, burp, burp, STUFF LOTS OF FOOD IN YOUR MEAN BABY FA-A-ACE!'' :'''Mike''': Oh, now you guys prepared that. :'''Crow''': Come on, it's an obvious line, Mike. :'''Servo''': ''Pork chops, cream puffs, candy bars!'' :'''Crow''': ''Pizzas, Cheetos, Mallomars!'' :'''Servo''': ''He won't stop till he eats it a-a-all!'' :'''Mike [leaves]''': Yeah, OK, that's it. I'm going, you guys. Do your food jokes. :'''Crow''': Yeah! Give me seconds, baby! :'''Servo''': Hey, baby, you gonna finish that? :'''Crow''': Anyone gonna eat that last piece of cake? 'Cause I will! :'''Servo''': Aw, somebody give me a napkin! === [[w:Hamlet (1961 film)|Hamlet]] === :''[The first scene takes place in what looks like a barred room.]'' :'''Mike''': San Quentin prison presents Shakespeare. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The members of court are performing a dance.]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' "Night fever, night fever/We know how to do it!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Hamlet]''': Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet. : . . . :''[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson|Mike]] [as Hamlet]''': ''[in stoner voice]'' Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on [[w:Akvavit|aquavit]] — woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow [as Hamlet]''': Stepdad, could you help me with my science fair project? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as the Ghost]''': SCROOGE! Oh, wait, wrong story. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet talks with Ophelia in her "closet".]'' :'''Ophelia''': My prince… :'''Servo [as Ophelia]''': … are back from [[w:Fotomat|Fotomat]]. : . . . :'''Hamlet''': I never gave you aught. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Ophelia]''': Tscha! :'''Ophelia''': My honored prince… you know right well you did. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Right well did ''not''! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Claudius''': I like him not... :'''Crow [as Claudius]''': I like him. NOT! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': To be or not to be... :'''Mike''': The literary equivalent of "[[w:Beethoven's 5th Symphony|Da-da-da-dunnn!]]" :'''Hamlet''': That is the question. :'''Crow''': I'll take "to be" for 50, Alex. :'''Hamlet''': Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune... :'''Servo''': Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler! :'''Hamlet''': Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them? :'''Mike''': Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair. :'''Hamlet''': To die: to sleep. :'''Crow''': Yeah, that's what we're doing right now, Bub. :'''Hamlet''': No more; and by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the tousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to... :'''Mike''': Ok, we need a predicate, now. :'''Hamlet''':...'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd. :'''Crow''': Especially with Ophelia, man! ''[snickers]'' :'''Mike''': Oh, you... :'''Hamlet''': To die, to sleep. :'''Servo''': To SLEEP! :'''Mike''': Whoa, that's an old chesnut. :'''Hamlet''': To sleep... :'''Servo''': To ''SLEEEEEP'' :'''Hamlet''': Perchance to DREAM? :'''Servo''': The impossible DREAM? :'''Hamlet''': Aye, there's the rub. :'''Mike''': I knew I had some rub left... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': ...When he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin? :'''Crow''': Heh, he said "bare bodkin," hehe. :'''Hamlet''': Who would fardels bear... :'''Mike'''': Ha, fardels... : . . . :'''Hamlet''': And makes us rather bear those ills we have than fly to others-- :'''Servo''': SUM UP! :'''Hamlet''': --that we know not of? : . . . :'''Mike''': So I'm a chicken for not stabbing myself--that's all you needed to say! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Having stabbed an intruder behind Gertrude's tapestry, Hamlet discovers it is not the King, but Polonius.'']'' :'''Hamlet''': Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool! :'''Crow [as Polonius]''': Oh, right, it's ''my'' fault you killed me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamlet''': Forty thousand brothers could not, with all their quantity of love, make up my sum. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': Fifty thousand, maybe. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hamlet and Laertes prepare to fence.]'' :'''Hamlet''': Give us the foils. :'''Servo [as Hamlet]''': We shall some potatoes bake. <hr width="50%"/> :''[King Claudius holds out a cup of poisoned wine to Hamlet.]'' :'''Claudius''': Here, to thy health. :'''Servo [as Claudius]''': ...coming to a sudden end. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Claudius can only stare helplessly as Gertrude drinks the poison meant for Hamlet.]'' :'''Mike [as Claudius]''': Oh. Great. Well, not looking forward to the Danish singles scene again... <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the film ends, a card is shown reading "You have seen Hamlet by William Shakespeare."]'' :'''Mike''': Hamlet will be back in "Thunderball". === [[w:The Bat People|It Lives by Night]] === :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Well, ''it'' shouldn't drink so much coffee! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy Beck groans as Dr. Kipling prepares a huge hypodermic needle for her husband.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Kipling]''': Posed like this in ''[[w:Playgirl|Playgirl]]'', only without my pants! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kipling and his staff finally stop John Beck's seizure from the rabies vaccine.]'' :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': Um... do you have any drug allergies? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy tracks down Dr. Kipling on the ski slopes.]'' :'''Cathy''': Dr. Kipling? :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Cathy]''': [[w:Rikki-Tikki-Tavi|Rikki-Tikki-Tavi's]] waiting for you. : . . . :'''Dr. Kipling''': Mrs. Beck... :'''Mike [as Kipling]''': ...[[w:Loser (Beck song)|you're a loser, baby]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Man-bat Beck closes the barn door and stumbles around in the dark.]'' :'''Crow''': Leave the door closed? What, were you born in a house? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cathy, now apparently a bat as well, walks back into the caves to join her husband]'' :'''Crow''': Now, wait a minute... how did ''she'' turn into a bat? The only contact she had with him was in the hotel and... :''[Pause]'' :'''Crow''': ''[horrified]'' ...''Oh, my god.'' :'''Servo''': ''[disgusted]'' GAH! :''[They rush out of the theater]'' :'''Crow''': OH MY GOD! I get the shower first! :'''Servo''': No, me first! :'''Mike''': Urgh! === [[w:Horrors of Spider Island|Horrors of Spider Island]] === :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Too bad we can't grab this movie with a tissue and crumple it and flush it down the toilet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': It's a dames and broads audition. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Temple Foster is listed in the credits.]'' :'''Servo''': Ah, Temple Foster, where they worship Australian beer. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the auditions, Gladys points out a "NO SMOKING" sign to smoker Linda, who takes it down and sits on it.]'' :'''Servo''': Lucky sign! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Linda begins stripping during the interview]'' :'''Linda:''' Shall I dance for you? :'''Crow:''' Yes! For God's sakes, yes! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gary looks around the island when the crew first lands on the shore]'' :'''Crow [as Gary]''': I see a [[w:Fantasy Island|tall Spaniard in a white suit with a midget]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]'' :'''Mike''': Man, they're future [[w:Jesse Ventura|governors of Minnesota]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]'' :'''Joe''': For you, the worst girl in the world is too good. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': But I like [[w:Tonya Harding|Tonya Harding]]! : . . . :''[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Bobby]''': Boy! Defending my [[w:misogyny|misogyny]] ''really'' takes commitment! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Georgia catches Gary making out with one of the girls]'' :'''Georgia''': Gary! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Georgia]''': Your infidelity mildly irritates me! :'''Gary''': This damned heat. I don't know what I'm doing anymore! :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Gary]''': Sure I was unfaithful, but it was like 87 degrees! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gary]''': It's pretty windy too! And high humidity! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ann''': ''[trying to get the attention of a passing ship]'' They must see us! They can't just leave us here! Hello! Hello! :'''May''': Stop all that screaming, Ann. You're driving me crazy. :'''Ann''': Let me go! Hello, take us with you! :'''Mike''': ''[the ship passes by]'' Damn ''[[w:SS Californian|Californian]]'', it never helps anyone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The moonlight casts the shadow of a palm tree against the side of the cabin.]'' :'''Mike''': Look at that shadow - it's [[w:Sideshow Bob|Sideshow Bob]]! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby starts shadow boxing while walking.]'' :'''Crow''': He saw an air molecule that respects women. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Bobby wanders off into the jungle to the tune of [[w:Vince Guaraldi|Vince Guaraldi]]-esque piano music.]'' :'''Crow''': Soundtrack by Schroeder. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Mike is talking at the end of the movie, the screen suddenly goes black, and the music cuts off abruptly.]'' :'''Mike''': ...Hey! :''[The words "The End" abruptly appear]'' :'''Servo''': So you wanna end your movie that way, huh? OK, get bent! We're outta here! === [[w:Squirm|Squirm]] === ==== [[w:A Case of Spring Fever|A Case of Spring Fever]] (short) ==== [the title is shown] :'''Servo''': Me? I'd rather have a case of Bass Ale. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Coily the Spring Sprite''': So, you never want to see another spring, eh? Okay, mister, I'll fix it so you get that wish! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Coily]''': ...In HELL! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert, a rather rotund man, wishes there were no springs, Coily magically makes them disappear from the world.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]]''': So, one clod says one thing and the ''whole world'' pays??? :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': No springs? I don't care. There's still butter and meatloaf. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert proceeds to leave his house for the golf game. He closes the door, but due to the lack of springs in the door lock, it bounces back open.]'' :'''Coily''': Hey! The door! :'''Servo [as Coily]''': I own your ass, fatboy! Get back here! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Gilbert discovers he can't even operate his car without springs, Coily appears.]'' :'''Coily''': Noooo springs! ''[laughs]'' :'''Gilbert''': Awww, gee, Coily, I didn't realize what I was wishing. I'm sorry for everything I said. Can't we call the whole thing off? Isn't there anything I can do? Please let me take back my wish. :'''Coily''': ''[rubs chin in thought]'' Wellll... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Coily]''': NO! :'''Coily''': Okay! I'll do it, just this once! But next time, be careful! Don't ever make that wish again! :. . . :''[With that, Coily makes all the springs reappear into existence.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': So Coily waited all eternity for this moment and he backs down almost instantly? <hr width="50%"/> :''[After his experience with Coily, Gilbert turns his golf game with his friends into a massive filibuster about the greatness of springs.]]'' :'''Gilbert''': ''[After a friend makes a bad shot in their game.]'' Too bad... :'''Servo [as Gilbert]''': ...but if you didn't hate springs so much, that wouldn't have happened! : . . . :'''Gilbert''': You see all spring action depends on elasticity: the ability of material to return to it's original form after it's been forced out of shape... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as Gilbert]''': ...by anti-spring extremists. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After several jump cuts and the end of the game, Gilbert's lecture is still going on, much to the annoyance of his friends and the MST3K crew.]'' :'''Gilbert''': I never realised until lately that springs have such a universal use. Why, there's springs in mousetraps, guns, exercisers, hinges, pogo sticks... :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (character)|Mike]] [as friend]''': ''Guns'', huh? : . . . :'''Gilbert''': Why, it's practically impossible to name anything in which a spring isn't an essential part in one way or another! ''[inexplicably looks into sky]'' :'''Crow [as Gilbert]''': Hey, look! ''God'' has a spring! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gilbert finally finishes lecturing his friends on springs as he pulls up to Joe's house.]'' :'''Gilbert''': Hey, Joe! Wake up! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Gilbert]''': It's Coily's army of darkness! Look! : . . . :'''Joe''': You and your springs! I hope I never see another— :'''Gilbert''': ''Stop!'' Don't say it! Don't ever wish anything like that as long as you live! :''[Gilbert looks down to see Coily the Spring Sprite materialize on his car seat. Coily cackles.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Coily]''': ''You'll'' be the first to die! <hr width="50%"/> :''["A Jam Handy Production" credit is shown]'' :'''Crow''': Jam Handy, reminds you to keep your [[w:preserves|preserves]] in a convenient place! ==== Squirm (movie) ==== :''[The title SQUIRM appears on the screen.]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': Well, I don't know why, but okay. :''[Mike, Crow, and Servo all squirm around in their seats.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[the preface ends with "This is the story..."]'' :'''[[w:Michael J. Nelson|Mike]]''': ''[dramatically]'' [[w:The Beverly Hillbillies|Of a man named Jed!]] :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Granny Clampett]''': JEDDDDD!!! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mick leaves Geri in the boat with Roger]'' :'''Crow''': Save the girl or go antiquing... Hmm... Antiques, here I come! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roger emerges and threatens our hero; after having had worms burrow into his face earlier]'' :'''Roger''': You gonna be da worm face! :'''[[w: Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': No, ''you'' gonna be da worm face! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mama Sanders and Geri get into an argument over Geri's "gentleman caller."]'' :'''Mama''': Alright, alright, I'll stop butting in. :'''Mike [as Geri]''': Mom, you don't even ''have'' a butt. :'''Mama''': I just don't want you to be too disappointed if he doesn't come. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Geri]''': Mother! That's private. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mama Sanders''': ''[in her exaggerated Southern accent]'' I never saw such a storm... :'''Crow [as Mama]''': I do hope [[Gone with the Wind|Ashley Wilkes]] can get through. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri introduces Mick to her family.]'' :'''Geri''': Mick got off the bus and fell in the swamp! He's soaked clean through, even his suitcases. :'''Mama Sanders''': Well... well, you can give him some of Daddy's old clothes. They're upstairs in the trunk in the storage room. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mama Sanders]''': ... along with Daddy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri wants to help Nick fetch some plywood for the windows.]'' :'''Mick''': No, no, no — you stay here. Your mother looks like she's about to crack. I'll be back before it gets dark. :'''Servo [as Geri]''': Mom cracked in 1953. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Partially worm-eaten Roger spies on the Sanders' home from outside in the dark.]'' :'''Servo [as Roger/[[w:Stevie Wonder|Stevie Wonder]]]''': [[w:Isn't She Lovely?|Isn't she lovely?]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri's car bounces quite violently on a pothole]'' :'''Servo [as Coily]''': Noooo springs! <hr width="50%"/> :''[As the movie is ending]'' :'''Servo''': Please, folks, remember to worm your dog. :'''Mike''': And if you do start a worm farm, do not raise flesh-eating intelligent millipedes by mistake. :'''Crow''': And if you have red hair, do not mate. === [[w:Danger: Diabolik|Diabolik]] === :''[Diabolik drives off down a highway as 60s spy-themed music plays in the background.]'' :'''Crow''': ''[singing along with the music]'' Gonna go to the store! Da na na na na na! Gonna pick up some bread! Da na na na na na! Maybe stop by the post office! Da na na na na na! Take Dolores to lunch! Da na na na na na! Hope they're serving that ham, oh yeah... <hr width="50%"/> :''[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''':Y'know, this music would be better with women in [[w:Bikini|bikinis]] shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Diabolik's lair, the black-leather-clad antihero and Eva, still in their car, move in for another lip-lock.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Diabolik]''': Let's have a [[w:Tantra|tantric]] quickie. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Eva]''': Mmm… mmm… oh, you smell like a tire store. :'''Servo''': This is just a good samaritan he met in the tunnel. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Heh! She's a ''great'' samaritan! :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You don't mind if I swallow your face, do you? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik drives into his lair through a rather conspicuous hidden entrance.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': This will fool them unless they look at it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The lovely Eva is removing her skimpy frock as she passes a staircase.]'' :'''Mike''': Wow! ''Dangerously'' steep stairs! :'''Servo''': You're watching the ''stairs''? :'''Crow''': Poor Mike... <hr width="50%"/> :''[Eva and Diabolik make love in a pile of money.]'' :'''Servo''': They're really gonna have to get their [[w:Money laundering|money laundered]]. :'''Crow''': [[w:Steve Forbes|Steve Forbes]] and his wife! :. . . :'''Mike''': You know, with ''my'' budget, I'd be rolling around in a handful of change. :. . . :'''Servo''': Paper cuts are brutal. :. . . :'''Crow''': The young [[w:Alan Greenspan|Alan Greenspan]]! :. . . :'''Servo''': They got pretty injured when they tried this with gold bars. :. . . :'''Mike''': If they make love in English pound notes, their sex is 50% better. :. . . :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': You're the frendliest teller I ever met! Last time, I just got a toaster! :. . . :'''Crow''': You know, if he'd stolen just a little less, I could see her ass right now. :. . . :'''Crow''': Got greed? :'''Servo''': Member, FDIC! ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[During a press conference, Diabolik and Eva have released laughing gas into the room. Everyone breaks into laughter.]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Dan Quayle|Dan Quayle]] announces his candidacy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As mob boss Valmont meets with his henchmen, a whooping horn sounds the approach of a speedboat.]'' :'''Mike''': The S. S. [[w:Jo Anne Worley|Jo Anne Worley]]! :'''Valmont''': Is that Stud... coming? :'''Crow''': I beg your pardon? :''[In a later scene, Valmont addresses the man who arrived in the speedboat as "Stud" -- "Stud, you brought bad news." -- clarifying the remark.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Diabolik, out of ammunition, pulls out a mysterious silver metal cylinder the size and shape of a very large bullet.]'' :'''Servo [as Diabolik]''': My steel, reusable [[w:Fleet (laxative)|Fleet]]. :'''Mike [as Diabolik]''': Maybe I can run real fast and push it into him. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mike''':They make love in English pound notes — their sex is 50% better!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[The movie closes with the word "FINE" (Italian for "the end").]'' :'''Servo''': This has been the official [[w:Biographical film|biopic]] of [[w:Larry Fine (actor)|Larry Fine]].{{hnote|The series' final riff}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pearl''': Look, Nelson. Move on. I am. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At home, the gang watches ''[[w:The Trollenberg Terror|The Crawling Eye]]'', the first film in ''MST3K's'' cable run; While it's reveleaed that Gypsy has started her own company.]'' :'''Servo''': "The Crawling Eye". The [[w:Marty Feldman|Marty Feldman]] Story. :'''Mike''': Oh, Forrest Tucker. He's the guy who makes sure all the trees' shirttails are in. :'''Crow''': [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|This movie seems kind of familiar, doesn't it?]] :'''Servo''': Hmmm.{{hnote|And thus ends the era of an old series. But a new generation is yet to come.}} <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ralph Valmont''': ''[the final stinger of the original run of MST3K]'' Is that Stud... coming? == Season 11: The Return == === [[w:Reptilicus|Reptilicus]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': I am reopening my family's most legendary experiment; Mystery Science Theater 3000! I'm gonna blow up this brand, and then sell it to Disney for a billion dollars! <hr width="50%"> :''[as the miners discover flesh and bones on the copper drill]'' :'''Miner''': Bones? :'''Jonah''': [[w:Star Trek: The Original Series|Jim]]! :'''Miner''': Fossil bones. :'''Jonah''': Fossil Jim! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, and it's this movie! :'''Jonah''': Okay, out. :'''Crow''': What? But that's Shakespeare! :'''Jonah''': Out! :'''Crow''': Oh, c'mon... <hr width="50%"> :'''Gypsy''': Now you're ''Mister'' Filing Cabinet! <hr width="50%"> :'''Servo''': Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved right here at the dish rack. <hr width="50%"> :''[as the scenes cut rapidly]'' :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Crow''': The temperature is negative five degrees! :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 5:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is ten degrees! :'''Servo''': Door is ajar. :'''Jonah''': He's well-groomed for a man who lives alone. :'''Servo''': The time is 8:06 a.m. :'''Crow''': The temperature is twenty degrees!!! <hr width="50%"> :'''Crow''': Only God can play God, and [[w:Bruce Almighty|sometimes Morgan Freeman]]! <hr width="50%"> :''[during a shot of two officers playing chess]'' :'''Crow [as officer]''': Bingo. Yahtzee. King me. I don't really know how to play backgammon. === [[w:Cry Wilderness|Cry Wilderness]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Crow''': Well, if you insist. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': '''WILDERNESS!''' <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Douglas''': You're too old to believe in fairy tales! :'''Gyspy''': He is? What a terrible way to find out. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Paul runs away from his father, who is carrying a rifle]'' :'''Will''': Paul! :'''Jonah [as Will]''': Aww, I'm gonna have to wing him to stop him. Won't be the first time. BANG! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': Good idea kid. Hug him right at the butt of a loaded shotgun. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Wait a minute. Those are feet... attached to legs... that must mean... ''a person!'' <hr width=50%> :''[as two raccoons make a mess in the kitchen of lots of food atop the kitchen counters]'' :'''Crow [as a raccoon]''': I went from ''Guardians of the Galaxy'' to this?! :'''Servo [as other raccoon]''': How do you think I feel? I was Ranger Rick! :. . . :'''Jonah''': You know, maybe the problem isn't raccoon in your kitchen so much as your habit for leaving all of your food on the countertop...OPEN. :'''Servo''': Hey, looks like the table's free if you're looking for some yet unsoiled counterspace. :''[Paul's father begins to laugh]'' :'''Crow''': Don't laugh. You people are pigs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Wagoner''': You want to put me out of business, Will? Why don't you take out your gun and shoot me? That'll close the hotel. :'''Will''': All I'm trying to do is prevent a disaster. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': My disaster. Sheriff, if some crazy animal's out there, get 'em! :'''Sheriff''': Yes sir, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Jonah [as Sheriff]''': How ''high'', sir? :'''Mr. Wagoner''': What are you doing still standing here? Go get him, boys! :'''Jim''': You don't understand, Mr. Wagoner. :'''Mr. Wagoner''': Make me understand. :'''Will''': It's not a crazy beast. It's just some... animal we don't have any experience with. :''[Wagoner throws something down which seemingly hits Servo]'' :'''Servo''': Ow! Geez! :'''Mr. Wagoner''': If you close one road- if you open your mouth in front of '''one''' hotel guest, I'll have all of your jobs! ''[to Morgan]'' You're supposed to be a big game hunter? Go hunt! ''[to Jim]'' You call yourself an Indian? You can't even trap a wild animal. Some Indian! ''[a scantily dressed woman holding a martini suddenly appears]'' :'''Jonah [as Wagoner]''': Have you met my girlfriend? She appears when I make racist comments. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jim wrestles a bear and begins randomly laughing]'' :'''Servo''': Oh there it is. Finally, Jim, our crown prince of fun. :'''Jim''': It's old Big Mike! :'''Crow [as Will]''': Looks safe. Why don't you get in there, Paul? Come on. He's dead. :'''Jonah [as Morgan]''': What's that? Oh, he's eating his entrails. :'''Crow''': ''Grizzly Man 2: The Power of Love''. :'''Servo [as Paul]''': Maybe I'll laugh later. :''[Will begins laughing]'' :'''Crow''': I suppose this is funny to mountain people. This is their ''Seinfeld''. :'''Servo''': ''[Paul begins laughing]'' It's funny! :'''Crow''': Geez, do these guys do the laugh track for ''Two and A Half Men''? <hr width=50%> :'''Morgan''': Let's keep this a secret between you and me. :'''Crow''': Okay, it is never good when an adult says that to a kid. <hr width=50%> :''[after a random tiger exits the cave]'' :'''Crow [as the tiger]''': I'm as surprised I'm in this movie as you are, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Jim''': ''[grabbing Paul]'' Do I have to tie you up?! :'''Paul''': You're nothing but a dumb Indian! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''WHOA!'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim''': Red Hawk! Is that you? :'''Red Hawk''': You remember me, don't you? :'''Jim''': You died thirteen years ago. I saw you sealed up in a cave. :'''Jonah [as Red Hawk]''': Well, Happy Easter. :'''Red Hawk''': I was. After seven days, I had a vision. All the animals in the forest needed me, so I got up, broke out of the cave. I've been here since, with my friends. ''[beckons to the animals around him]'' :'''Crow [as a hawk]''': I'm not his friend. I'm not indigenous to the area. Call the police! <hr width=50%/> :''[during a snowy scene]'' :'''Morgan''': Let's get this tiger hunt over with. I'm looking for bigger game. :'''Will''': What do you mean? :'''Morgan''': I'm sitting on a fortune, right here in this forest, now! :'''Crow [as Morgan]''': Look at all this pure, uncut cocaine! <hr width=50%> :''[As the credits roll]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, I thought my soul was thoroughly crushed by this movie, but now this music is squeezing out the last little bit. === [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|The Time Travelers]] === :'''Crow''': I'm actually traveling through time at the rate of one hour per hour. <hr width=50%> :'''Gypsy''': Rip Torn is Dr. Strange! <hr width=50%> :''[shot of a table of android eyeballs]'' :'''Crow''': Think about it: iPad, iPhone, eyeball. This is already happening, folks. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': Is it just me, or is this guy spending an inordinate amount of time on this android's, um... and-groin? :'''Jonah''': "And-groin"? Did you just make that word up? :'''Servo''': I had to come up with something. We burned through the words "area" and "crotch". :'''Crow''': Here comes another one. Parading his "ro-batch" right by the camera. Thank you. Disgusting! <hr width=50%/> :'''Danny''': ''[holding a tray of android eyeballs]'' Holy McKee! I thought I was giving ''her'' the eye! :'''Jonah''': ''[sigh]'' You know, when a beautiful woman of the future really comes on strong and then hands you a tray of eyeballs harvested from her former lovers, maybe you should just stay friends, Danny. :'''Servo''': Yeah, Danny. You really think she needed help moving a tray of eyeballs three feet? These are warning signs, man! Wake up! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Danny and Reena kiss]'' :'''Servo''': Hey Jonah, it's you and your pillow! :'''Crow''': Hah! :'''Jonah''': Hey... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Carol finds a storage room filled with wooden boxes full of straw]'' :'''Servo''': Wooden crates stuffed with straw... of the future! :'''Crow''': Hobo bedding... of the future! :'''Jonah''': The insides of scarecrows... of the future! :'''Servo''': Practical dynamite storage... of the future! :'''Crow''': Dirty crates filled with excelsior, a straw-like packing material... of the future! :'''Jonah''': Boxes and boxes of unsold copies of ''Jerry Maguire''... also of the future! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': You are pronouncing our death sentence. :'''Servo [as Steve]''': You dickweed! :'''Willard''': I don't enjoy doing it. :'''Steve''': You resented us from the beginning! :'''Willard''': I have, but that is not why I'm doing this. I... :'''Crow''': Line! :'''Willard''': We must consider the greater good! :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Hot Fuzz|The greater good...]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as the movie abruptly ends]'' :'''Crow''': Oh no, the universe lost reception! :''[a message from the producer appears onscreen]'' :'''Jonah''': The producer wishes to acknowledge that this movie was not all that good. :'''Servo''': I doubt those businesses want to be associated with this movie at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga Forrester''': Well Max, that was the 200th episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000. What an achievement. :'''Max''': If you count the old series, which we had nothing to do with. Technically, this was our third episode. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Okay come on, Disney celebrates fake anniversaries all the time! Donald Duck turns 90, Mickey and Minnie's 25th Anniversary, uh... the 40th Anniversary of pulling ''Song of the South'' off the shelves- I don't know! We have got to grab some of these celebration legacy dollars! Bring in the cake! :''[the skeleton crew wheels in a cake filled with candles; Max lights a lighter]'' :'''Kinga Forrester''': No no no, hey! ''[slaps the lighter from his hand]'' We are not lighting the candles! This is a nitrogen-rich atmosphere! Wh- ... ''[sighs]'' Happy 200th, Max. :'''Max''': ...Yeah, okay. :'''Kinga Forrester''': Push the 200th button, Max. === [[w:Avalanche (1978 film)| Avalanche]] === :'''Onscreen Text''': New World Pictures presents... :'''Jonah''': The Illuminati made a movie? Huh. :'''Servo''': Yeah, and they're so open about it. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': It's terrific to see you. :'''Crow [as David]''': Even in that color palette. :'''David''': The two of you together... :'''Jonah''': And I'm not forgetting [[w:Steve Franken|you]], [[w:The Time Travelers (1964 film)|Danny from the last movie]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Florence and McDade struggle walking uphill in snow]'' :'''Florence''': ''[breathless]'' In case you haven't noticed... not only... are we out-of-doors... and knee-deep... in snow... but we are... also... going uphill! :'''Jonah [as the director]''': Cut! Take 15, do it again! <hr width=50%/> :''[after a skier narrowly escapes an avalanche]'' :'''Crow [as Nick]''': My snowball predicted all of this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as we see Caroline swimming underwater]'' :'''Servo''': Do you think she understands she's trapped under the ice? Oooh, let's watch. :''[she surfaces]'' :'''Caroline''': Oh, hi there. :'''Jonah''': Oh, she's in a heated pool. :'''Crow''': Actually the safest place to be in an avalanche. :'''Servo''': Camera guy is drowning, don't mind him. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a waiters serve numerous [[w:baked Alaska|baked Alaskas]]]'' :'''Jonah [as a waiter]''': Uh, we made way too many of these? No one seems to want 'em, they look awful, but they taste okay. We're just giving them away for free now, seriously try one. Anybody? Please? :'''Crow [as a waiter]''': ''[as one waiter carries a torched baked Alaska up to a balcony]'' Screw it. We're just gonna torch them all, and throw them off the balcony. What's the difference? Who's making these things anyway? It's ridiculous. :''[as a waiter serves one to where the main characters are sitting]'' :'''Servo [as a waiter]''': Thank you for agreeing to take one of these. They really smell. We're sorry. :'''Jonah [as Florence]''': Oh, yuck! Marshmallows, grilled oysters, cherry tomatoes, ''and'' butter??? Oh... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': You know what this movie is missing? :'''Crow''': Name tags. <hr width=50%/> :'''David''': ''[as he and Caroline get into an argument]'' What's going on here? I only asked you to dance! :'''Caroline''': You didn't ''ask'' me to dance, you ''told'' me to dance! :'''Servo''': Crazy on you! :'''Caroline''': You've got to run the whole show, you panic if you haven't got complete control! It's always the same thing! I've got to the point where I didn't even know what I felt about anything! :'''David''': I just want to be with you! What's wrong with wanting to be with you, or you wanting to be with me?! :'''Caroline''': You ''stifle'' me! I- I need some space! I need some room! I've gotta make my own decisions! Just leave me alone. :'''David''': I don't ''want'' to leave you alone! :'''Caroline''': Well, that's a problem I can solve. :'''Jonah''': Get a second divorce! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film cuts to an unfocused shot of the storm]'' :'''Servo''': Why do they keep cutting to the planet Neptune? :'''Crow''': I don't know, but I wish they'd just stay there. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a plane crashes in a fiery explosion into the mountain and triggers the avalanche]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, now it's one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like ''Sharknado'' or ''Lavalantula''. :'''Crow''': Ladies and gentlemen, we give you ''Plane-alanche''! :'''Jonah''': I didn't know snow was so combustible. :'''Servo''': It's not, but styrofoam is. :'''Crow''': Now if that doesn't start an avalanche, I'm leaving. :'''Jonah''': I think we need to get a sense of scale here. This could be a snow fort for all we know. :'''Servo''': This really begs the question: would you suffocate painfully while buried under snow for a Klondike Bar? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Just when you thought this movie couldn't get any whiter. <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Fire Department loses a box of first aid equipment]'' :'''Crow''': That wasn't even caused by the avalanche! They're just completely incompetent! :''[an ambulance stops in the street, while a police car swerves to avoid a collision, and almost hits a person, causing mayhem]'' :'''Jonah''': They should change the name of this movie from ''Avalanche'' to just ''General Catastrophe''. :'''Servo''': Oh, so now we're seeing collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche? :'''Crow''': What's next? Someone cutting their finger on the newspaper reading about it? <hr width=50%/> :''[when a fire truck's yellow beacon light is right in front of the camera]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, it's commercial sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ambulance carrying Florence careens off a cliff]'' :'''Jonah''': Wait, there's a chance that Florence could survive that fall. :'''Gypsy''': Unfortunately, there's so much alcohol in her body, she's basically a human explosive. :''[the ambulance explodes]'' :'''Crow''': Yup. There she goes. :'''Servo''': Even the fire smells like gin. === [[w:The Beast of Hollow Mountain|The Beast of Hollow Mountain]] === :'''Jonah''': Oh that's so thoughtful, the cantina leaves a rock for your child to sit on while you're in the bar drinking. :'''Crow''': Oh way better than sitting in a car listening to the radio. :''[Pancho stumbles outside]'' :'''Jonah [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' Kick ''me'' out of the Cantina? Greedo shot first, you all saw it! :'''Crow [as Pancho]''': ''[slurring]'' I told you we'd have fun on your birthday! :'''Pancho''': ''[drunk]'' You're not mad at me, are you? :'''Servo [as Panchito]''': Oh Father, I stopped getting mad a long time ago. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Enrique approaches Jimmy and Don]'' :'''Don Pedro''': The drought is shrinking the swamp again this year, from what the natives tell me. :'''Jimmy Ryan''': I know, I've been there. :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': Girlfriend. :'''Don Pedro''': Whenever that happens, there are always strange tales of men and animals disappearing. :'''Enrique''': ''[in a heavy American Accent]'' Speaking of disappearing... :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': Has anyone seen my accent? :'''Enrique''': Why don't you disappear back to Texas where you came from? :'''Jonah [as Jimmy]''': I'm from Connecticut! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jimmy fights with Enrique]'' :'''Servo [as Jimmy]''': For the last time! ''[synchronizes with each punch]'' [[w:Coldplay|Coldplay]]! Isn't! That! Bad! <hr width=50%/> :'''Enrique''': What am I supposed to think when I see my fianceé in the arms of another man?! :'''Sarita''': If I were interested in another man, I surely would not ride with him into the center of the plaza where everyone could see us! :'''Enrique''': But they did see! :'''Sarita''': What they saw was the very little trust that you have in me! Fighting in the streets! Just because the Americano was gentleman enough to ride me home when my horse ran away! :'''Jonah''': Ooh... :'''Enrique''': It is only... only because I love you so much. I can't bear the thought of... :'''Servo [as Enrique]''': Haggis. Ugh. :'''Enrique''': Sarita, forgive me. When a man is in love, he is not... not himself. :'''Crow [as Enrique]''': He is another, stupider man. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': Wow, Machu Picchu! :'''Servo''': Machu Picchu is in Peru. :'''Crow''': Huh, so they filmed this movie in Peru? :''[Servo lunges at Crow but Jonah holds him back]'' :'''Servo''': ''[angrily]'' Would you just-?! Ohh! <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Jimmy rides his horse through a cemetery]'' Oh man, Jimmy, this is a sacred place! You're riding on an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay a day and has no control of its bowels! Do the math! I'm turning this off! :'''Servo''': You can't, we tried that. :'''Crow''': Yeah, we're made out of those special parts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if you punch and shoot at the same time, it adds speed to the bullet. <hr width=50%> :'''Panchito''': Señor Jimmy! Señor Felipe! My papa did not come back from the swamp! :'''Jonah, Crow, and Servo''': Second act twist! <hr width=50%> :'''Kinga''': ''[watching with Max as Jonah is left confused and terrified about Crow and Servo imitating the masked Life Celebration dance from the film]'' Uh, is this that [[Hamilton (musical)|Hamilton show]] everyone's talking about? :'''Max''': It could be a celebration of the arbitrary quality of life, or they suffered a really bad blow to the head. :'''Jonah''': ''[pleading to the bots, who are ignoring him completely]'' Why is this happening, what's going on?! Why won't you guys talk to me?! :'''Kinga''': ''[begging]'' Tell us! Tell us; I'm going out of my freaking mind! :'''Max''': What have we done to offend thee?! :'''Jonah''': Answer me! You guys are scaring me! :'''Max''': Who must we kill to slake thy anger? :'''Jonah''': ''[growing more uneasy]'' Crow! Tom; Tom, it's Jonah! What is happening?! :'''Kinga''': ''[sobbing in horror]'' Make it stop!! :'''Jonah''': ''[as 'Movie Sign' blares]'' Oh! We have Movie Sign; come on, we've got to go! :''[back in the theater]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[to Servo]'' What was all that about? :'''Servo''': That wasn't us. <hr width=50%> :''[when the film's titular beast; a claymation Tyrannosaurus Rex, finally appears]'' :'''Crow''': I want to register a complaint for what I feel was a misleading use of the word "beast", which led me to assume it would be hairier. Perhaps a yeti or, given the setting, a chupacabra. :'''Servo''': You weren't expecting a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur? :'''Crow''': No, I was not. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': You could start a drinking game for every time you see a horse's butt in this movie. :'''Servo''': What do you call it? :'''Jonah''': I don't know. "Pancho"? :'''Crow''': And then your kids could play the game of "Panchito", which is when they beg you to stop. <hr width=50%> :''[as Jimmy fires upon the dinosaur]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing in the melody of the MST3K Theme]'' But the cowboy didn't like him, so he shot him in the face. :'''Crow''': Meta! === [[w:Starcrash|Starcrash]] === :'''Woman on PA System''': Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. Major Bradbury to Communication Bridge. :'''Gypsy [as the Woman]''': Your Hot Pocket is ready. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': ''[looking at a space landscape full of different colored stars]'' Some people just don't know when to take down their Christmas lights. <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': You can drop the rifle ray. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': My name's not Ray, it's Stella! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching a community theater production of ''Guardians of the Galaxy''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the ship goes into hyperspace]'' :'''Crow''': Are we in hyperspace, or are we looking at a screensaver? <hr width=50%/> :'''Atkon''': It's here on the third planet of the next solar system. :'''Stella''': I've never been there. :'''Servo [as Stella]''': And my birthday's coming up. Hint, hint. :'''Stella''': What's it like? :'''Atkon''': Red fogs, high winds, low gravity. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Oh, it's like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And the atmospheric conditions are stable. However, the entire planet is covered with ice and snow. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': Like Delaware. :'''Atkon''': And you must be extremely careful when the sun sets. The temperature drops thousands of degrees, and in an instant, everything freezes over. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Like Delaware! <hr width=50%/> :'''Thor''': Say goodbye! ''[fires his laser gun at Atkon with no effect on Atkon; the lasers are very low quality]'' What??? :'''Jonah [as Akton]''': Your crappy effects are powerless against me. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Stella and Simon fight off a mob of cavemen]'' :'''Jonah''': Actual footage of David Hasselhoff at Comic-Con. :'''Crow [as Stella]''': These cavemen have kinky little skirts. It's fun! :''[Akton appears, and summons a laser sword weapon]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, well now they're just openly ripping off ''[[w:Spaceballs|Spaceballs]]''. :... :'''Servo [as Akton]''': Thank God for my completely original weapon: the illumination sword! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': Let's go board your ship, and continue on at once. :'''Akton''': There's no need to continue. :'''Crow''': Because the budget just ran out. The end! Let's go guys! === [[w:The Land That Time Forgot (1974 film)|The Land That Time Forgot]] === :''[as someone throws a canister into the sea]'' :'''Crow''': It's a can of spring snakes. :'''Servo''': That's beautiful. Just to set a prank adrift in the world and hope it brightens some stranger's day. :'''Crow''': Or gives them a heart attack. <hr width=50%/> :'''Bowen Voiceover''': I do not expect anyone to believe the story I'm about to relate. :'''Jonah [as Bowen]''': So never mind. <hr width=50%/> :'''Freidrich''': Prepare to surface. :'''Dietz''': Jawohl, Kapitän. :'''Crow''': Ugh, the realtor described this place as cozy. :'''Friedrich''': Up periscope. :'''Officer''': Up periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, stop copying me. Jeez, every time... :''[as the Periscope is brought up, and Friedrich wipes it down]'' :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Guys, what is my rule? If you're going to use my periscope, you had to wipe it off after. Come on! :'''Crow''': This kaleidoscope sucks. There's no colors. :'''Friedrich''': Thick fog. Perfect cover for us. Down periscope. :'''Officer''': Down periscope! :'''Servo [as Friedrich]''': Klaus, what did I just talk to you about?! :'''Crow [as Klaus]''': Sorry, mein Kapitän. :'''Friedrich''': Both engines full ahead. :'''Officer''': Both engines full ahead! :'''Jonah [as Friedrich]''': Klaus! <hr width=50%/> :'''Friedrich''': Now, there is a German supply ship operating in this area. :'''Servo''': He said "area". :'''Friedrich''': And we should rendezvous within the hour. :'''Crow [as Friedrich]''': Or the pizza's free. :'''Friedrich''': And you, Commander will be transferred to her, and shot as a pirate. :'''Crow''': Oh, he's a pirate? Is that why this movie is rated "Arrrrgh"? :'''Jonah''': Nope. :'''Crow''': Someday the whole show will be like this. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Bowen fights a Plesiosaur]'' :'''Servo''': So that creature's probably endangered, right? :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, for sure. Last of its kind, a priceless treasure, his sweat cures cancer, blah blah blah. KILL IT! KILL IT! <hr width=50%/> :''[while the crew battle two Allosaurus; one of them puts away his rifle and pulls out a pistol]'' :'''Crow''': Oh good, a smaller gun. And if that doesn't work, you can throw your shoes at him. <hr width=50%/> :''[while the expedition journeys through the jungle]'' :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, stop! :'''Crow''': Are we there yet? :'''Jonah''': Crow, I swear, I will turn this movie RIGHT AROUND! <hr width=50%/> :''[in an overly long scene where Bowen and Friedrich stalk a styracosaurus]'' :'''Jonah''': If this takes any longer, the dinosaurs are gonna evolve into birds and fly away. === [[w:The Loves of Hercules|The Loves of Hercules]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment is a pecs-and-princess epic starring Jayne Mansfield, Jayne Mansfield's husband, and the rest of Jayne Mansfield. :'''Max''': It stinks like feta cheese! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[as Hercules struggles to pick up a log]'' Boy, for a demigod, he's really struggling with that thing. :''[Hercules struggles to gain balance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Servo [as Hercules]''': Oh, this is heavier than I thought! Okay, coming through! ''[grunt]'' Man carrying entire tree! Look out! Oooh, this is heavy. Oooh this hurts! Oooh, I didn't anticipate this! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Hercules breaks down a barricaded door]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': ''[Italian accent]'' I haved breakededed the door! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira changed behind a pink sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Why is she standing behind a giant napkin? :'''Servo''': Ooooh... :'''Crow''': Oh, it's hanky panky. :''[the bots attempt to peek behind the sheet]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey hey hey hey, Servo get down from there! Crow, get over here! :''[Deianira puts a robe on]'' :'''Servo''': Yeah, there's the robe. Forget it. :'''Jonah''': How was it though? :'''Crow''': Terrible. She wasn't even wearing any underwear. <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of a supposed to be threatening bull, but the bull just looks peaceful]'' :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, that bull's got murder in his big, dewy eyes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Deianira faints after Herculese kills the bull]'' :'''Servo [as Deianira]''': I haven't fainted in nearly ten minutes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hercules''': Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always mine. :'''Crow''': Stalker alert. <hr width=50%/> :'''Achelous''' Let me thank you for having saved the life of my wife-to-be. :''[Hercules looks stunned]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': What? :'''Jonah''': Download complete. :''[Hercules looks stunned again]'' :'''Servo''': Buffering. :'''Jonah''': Processing. :'''Crow''': Compiling. :'''Hercules''': But then you- :'''Jonah''': Download complete. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules fights Achelous]'' :'''Crow [as Hercules]''': Now bow down to my tiny nipple. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Philoctetes rides into a landscape with colorful smoke]'' :'''Servo''': He seems to have ridden into some kind of promotion for Mountain Dew Mist. :'''Jonah''': See that pink smoke? Nowadays, all this would just be done in CGI, which I feel is cold and steril. :'''Crow''': Yeah, you don't get the warmth of these shots of incompetent people trying their very hardest. :'''Jonah''': Right. :... :'''Crow''': How do you get pink smoke? :'''Servo''': That's easy, you crash a Mary Kay cosmetics car. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules clumsily fights a Hydra puppet]'' :'''Crow [as the director]''': Okay, Mickey, let's try this again. As you know, we've only got one Hydra, so please don't damage it. Remember, we're doing pickup shots with the extra tomorrow. If you must stab it, only use the marked plunge points, and the rest of the time, only light taps please, with the flat side of the sword like we discussed. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': I feel like I'm watching teenage vandals try to destroy the ''Jurassic Park'' ride at Universal Studios. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': I know this is a Hercules movie, but this Hercules just doesn't seem that strong at all. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hercules struggles in battle against the hydra]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I've got an idea, maybe the weapons were laying around, because they were '''''INEFFECTIVE???''''' Come on, man! I fall over in disgust. === [[w:Yongary, Monster from the Deep|Yongary: Monster from the Deep]] === :''[as the film opens with a couple newlyweds]'' :'''Servo''': Wait, it's over? Did we just skip to the end of the movie? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a car drives down the center of a highway, not in an exact lane]'' :'''Crow''': The center lane is for newlyweds only. Out of the way! :'''Servo''': This is simultaneously the most and least responsible driving I have ever seen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': I think I know what's going on. Come on out. :'''Groom''': Who are you talking to? :'''Ilo''': Come on out of there, Icho! :'''Gypsy''': Wait, his name is Icho, and he makes people itch? Glad his name isn't Poo-O. :'''Jonah''': Okay, Gypsy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Groom''': ''[when the bride wakes him up]'' Huh. I must have dozed. :'''Servo''': This is all part of his elaborate love play. :'''Groom''': Boy, I’m really tired tonight. :'''Bride''': You can sleep afterward. :'''Crow''': After what, Jonah? :'''Jonah''': D- Don’t worry about it. :'''Crow''': Okay. :'''Groom''': You’re not going to be a nagging wife now, are you, my dear? :'''Servo [as the Groom]''': That’s not what I’m into. :'''Bride''': I bore you already. Looks like our marriage is doomed. :'''Groom''': No. :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Yes.. :'''Groom''': That happens whenever I get married. :'''Servo''': “Whenever???” :... :'''Groom''': Hey, sweetheart... :'''Jonah [as the Groom]''': Hey, you think we can tell each other our names now? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[looking on a model center in the film]'' This must be [[w:Shining Time Station|Shining Time Station’s]] military industrial complex. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a buzzer begins to sound in the film]'' :'''Jonah''': We got movie sign! :''[Jonah and the Bots get excited and begin to run out of the theater, before quickly realizing the buzzer is in the film and return to their seats]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, that was... :'''Crow''': Whoops, that was embarrassing! :'''Jonah''': Yeah, sorry about that. <hr width=50%/> :''[during an earthquake]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh this is it, the big one's hitting! ''[freaking out]'' Gypsy, initiate panic mode! :''[Jonah and the Bots scream and run around in place]'' :'''Gypsy''': ''[dropping down]'' Guys, settle down, it's not even a convincing earthquake scene! Looks like your weird uncle's train set! <hr width=50%/> :''[an earthquake hits, and mountains smoke]'' :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's just North Korea. [[w:Nuclear weapons testing|They do that]]... a lot. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Yongary emerges from the ground]'' :'''Police Officer''': Yongary's coming out! :'''Crow''': Hey, good for Yongary! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo's Mother''': Please don't go, Ilo. :'''Ilo''': Don't you worry. I have to go. I'll be alright. :'''Icho''': I'll go too. :'''Jonah [as Icho]''': Death and destruction are my jam. ''Whee!'' :'''Suna & Ilo's Mother''': Icho! Icho! No, come back, please! :'''Crow [as Icho]''': You suck, and this place sucks, and I'm leaving! <hr width=50%/> :''[at a sock hop; a teenager prays while another pours beer on his head]'' :'''Servo [as Praying Teen]''': Please Lord, make the jukebox play my song before Yongary crushes us. :'''Jonah''': I'm just amazed at how much beer is in that bottle. It's still going! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ilo''': Hello, I'm professor Ilo Nami. I've got to get a closer look at Yongary. Will you please let me in? :'''Soldier''': You got here a bit too late. :'''Crow [as Soldier]''': He's dead. Movie's over. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Servo [as Soldier]''': We're just waiting for the shockwave. :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah''': Sergeant Loose Lips right here. :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Servo [as Ilo]''': Um, we're not going. :'''Soldier''': They're going to hit Yongary any minute. :'''Crow''': Did they hit a glitch in [[w:The Matrix|the Matrix]]? :'''Soldier''': They'll be using guided missiles. :'''Jonah [as Soldier]''': Go. I'm out of dialogue! :'''Soldier''': You better go. :'''Suna''': Missiles? Really? :'''Servo''': ''Yeah! Any minute!'' === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom]] === :''[as the title card appears]'' :'''Jonah''': How do you lose a whole kingdom? :'''Crow''': Check in the car! Did you guys leave it in the car? <hr width=50%/> :''[when it's revealed that [[w:James Horner|James Horner]] composed the film's score]'' :'''Jonah''': James Horner?! :'''Crow''': Ah, yes. ''[[w:Braveheart|Braveheart]]'', ''[[w:Aliens (film)|Aliens]]'', ''[[w:Avatar (2009 film)|Avatar]]'', and this movie. :'''Servo''': Yeah, when [[w:James Cameron|Cameron]] was scoring ''[[w:Titanic (1997 Film)|Titanic]]'', he said, "I want that ''Wizards of the Lost Kingdom'' sound." <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon watches his father battle Shurka via a reflection in water]'' :'''Crow''': It's streaming video. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Jiffy Pop helmet, save me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': ''[as Kor walks away from Simon and Gulfax]'' This is where Kor's theme song comes in. :''[starts singing]'' :''They call me Kor the Conquerer'' :''I thought I could conquer anything'' :''But ever since I met that boy'' :''I've found out I'm not worth a thing'' :''That's just par for the Kor'' :''That's just par'' :''They call me Kor!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[after Simon casts a spell which destroys the pool, in which Shurka was watching him in an explosion]'' :'''Jonah''': Whoa! A real on-camera explosion, no digital effects! :'''Shurka''': Damn him! ''[continues angrily screaming]'' He has beaten me this time; Bombinooooo! :'''Jonah''': See, that guy is actually screaming because he almost got hurt. This is a real outtake. :'''Crow''': Oh wow! <hr width=50%/> :'''Simon''': What is it? :'''Kor''': Riders, coming this way! :'''Jonah''': Writers? They'll fix the script! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Simon resurrects the dead]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[as Simon]'' I just remembered, I'm an overpriviledged wuss! <hr width=50%/> :''[Shurka attempts to seduce Princess Aura]'' :'''Shurka''': You have spirit. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' Yes you do. :'''Shurka''': I like that. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Shurka]'' How about you? <hr width=50%/> :'''Hurla''': Your greatest test is yet to come. Gulfax must stay here while you face it, but I have a plan. We'll join you later when you need us most. :'''Crow''': That's not a plan. :'''Simon''': But I can't. :'''Hurla''': Nothing in this world is certain. If you survive, we will join you. :'''Servo [as Hurla]''': And if you don't, I promise to come to your funeral wearing a new white fur coat. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]]]''': I just realized why they called it a suicide cave! :'''Servo [as Statler]''': Why's that? :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': Because I want to kill myself! :''[Servo and Jonah laugh like Statler and Waldorf]'' :'''Jonah [as Waldorf]''': I'm depressed... <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as the [[w:Tales from the Crypt (comics)|Crypt-Keeper]]]''': Welcome to Suicide Cavern! People are just ''dying'' to get in here. ''[evil laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Watch out for the stalag-''fright''! ''[cackles]'' :'''Crow [as the Crypr-Keeper]''': Be careful so you don't go ''batty''! ''[wicked laugh]'' :'''Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Here, let me give you a... ''hand''! :'''Jonah''': Okay, that's it. I'm calling a moratorium on the Crypt-Keeper impressions. :'''Crow & Servo [as the Crypt-Keeper]''': Oooh! A crematorium! ''[wicked laughing]'' :''[Jonah gets annoyed, and grabs Crow and Servo, and crashes them into each other]'' :'''Crow''': Oof! :'''Servo''': Ow! <hr width=50%/> :''[when Simon and Kor come upon a large dirty waterfall landscape]'' :'''Crow''': This is where the runoff goes from [[Roald_Dahl#Charlie_and_the_Chocolate_Factory_(1964)|Wonka's Chocolate Factory]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[while Simon and Shurka duel each other in magic]'' :'''Servo''': So how come wizards have such terrible aim? :'''Jonah''': Must be all that extra fabric in their sleeves. Throws off their movements. :'''Crow''': Come on, wizards are the nerds of the fantasy world. Clearly, they all need glasses, but glasses haven't been invented yet. :'''Servo''': Well you'd think they'd have a spell to make their eyesight better. :'''Crow''': Yeah, well clearly they don't, because their aim is so bad. <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': ''[as the credits begin rolling]'' Oh, how nice. And King Simon reigns in peace and wisdom. :'''Servo''': ''[laughs sarcastically]'' You seriously believe that? You know he's gonna make a bloody purge of the remaining Shurka loyalists. :'''Crow''': Oh, he has to. Of course, the paranoia that more remain will drive him mad. :'''Servo''': Oh, leaving him open to his prudish wife's incredibly strict religious beliefs. :'''Crow''': Yeah, leading him to install a ruthless theocracy in which thousands are slain by agents of the inquisition. :'''Jonah''': I mean, are you sure he can't just grow up to be a wise, old, merry king? :'''Servo''': Open your eyes, Jonah! Absolute power corrupts absolutely. :'''Crow''': Before long, even his closest friend Gulfax will have joined the rebellion. :'''Servo''': Hurla, that wily political operater will switch sides. :'''Crow''': And Simon will be killed in battle by his own son, so that the cycle can begin anew. :'''Servo''': ''[sighs]'' A throne gained in blood shall be lost in the same. :'''Jonah''': You guys are making me feel sick. :'''Servo''': It's called reality, Jonah. Learn to live with it. === [[w:Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II|Wizards of the Lost Kingdom II]] === :'''Caedmon''': I don't know why they give such an important quest to a powerless, has-been wizard. :'''Jonah''': Someone's been reading the comment section on his blog posts. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Guys, I never thought I’d miss Simon and Kor so badly. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tyor is entranced by a female dancer]'' :'''Tyor''': She's beautiful, master! So delicate! :''[she punches one of the patrons]'' :'''Crow [as Tyor]''': She's her own bouncer! :'''Tyor''': So strong! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor. :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Caedmon''': Time to go, Tyor! :'''Tyor''': But, master! :'''Jonah [as Caedmon]''': ''Time to go, Tyor!!!'' :'''Tyor''': Isn't the arts part of my education? :'''Caedmon''': Absolutely not! :'''Servo [as Caedmon]''': The state cut arts funding! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So it's basically rock-paper-scissors. Fire destroys amulet. Amulet freezes legs. Legs stomp out fire. Yeah. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': You will no longer breathe the air of a free man. :''[Loki laughs]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Robert_Blake_(actor)|Robert Blake]] in ''[[Lost Highway]]''. :'''Tyor''': By the amulet's power, I turn you into stone! :'''Jonah''': He's making all this up as he goes along. :'''Tyor''': Oomen, kauai, tenk! :'''Servo [as Loki]''': Sorry, I was thinking of an episode of ''[[w:Caroline in the City|Caroline in the City]]''. :''[Loki is turned to stone]'' :'''Jonah''': Alright, take him to [[w:Jabba the Hutt|Jabba]]. :'''Tyor''': Now his garden is complete. :'''Crow''': [[w: Won't Get Fooled Again|YEEEAAAH!!!]] ''[[CSI: Miami]]''! <hr width=50%/> :''[as two thieves engage in a fight, and one begins to attack using the exact same move]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': Prepare for my overhand! ''[attack is blocked]'' :'''Crow [as thief]''': Or how about my overhand! ''[attack is blocked again]'' :'''Jonah [as thief]''': No? Well try my OVERHAND! ''[blocked again]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' OVERHAND! ''[blocked]'' :'''Servo [as thief]''': You defeated my overhand, sir knight, but can you handle— ''[bandit uses the same attack again]'' PSYCH! Overhand! ''[blocked again]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Donar''': ''[capturing Freyja]'' Who gave him the sword? :'''Jonah [as Donar]''': And where's your hall pass? :'''Donar''': You die with the dawn. :'''Freyja''': He had a knife at my neck, I made no promises, I said I'd try! Now leave me alone, I have a horrible headache! :'''Crow''': We all do, trust us. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tyor''': ''[as Tyor begins to untie Freyja]'' If I take you with me, what do I get? :'''Freyja''': ''[seductively]'' Anything. :'''Servo [as Tyor]''': Can I keep these cool rubber snakes? :'''Tyor''': That's what I was afraid of. :''[music cue]'' :'''Jonah [as Tyor]''': The band is illustrating my sexual confusion. === [[w:Carnival Magic (1983 film)|Carnival Magic]] === :''[as the title card partially appears]'' :'''Servo''': Hey title, don't go away. We just got to know you! :'''Crow''': Carnival? Like in Rio? Oh. :''[the word "Magic" begins to slowly reveal itself one letter at a time]'' :'''Servo''': ''Carnival Man''. :'''Jonah''': ''Carnival Magnum, P.I.'' :'''Servo''': Off the O. Henry story. :'''Crow''': Oh, ''Carnival Magi''- oh, ''Carnival Magic'', I knew it the whole time, guys. <hr width=50%/> :''[Missy O'Shea is credited as "The girl in the car"]'' :'''Crow''': Lots of girls in this movie, but only Missy O'Shea is in the car. <hr width=50%/> :''[Markov walks alone, talking to something offscreen, seemingly looking at Servo]'' :'''Markov''': Now stop playing this is serious. :'''Servo''': I'm sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. :'''Markov''': I can't spend all my time looking after you and worrying about what you're doing. :'''Servo''': When you're right, you're right. :'''Markov''': This isn't the first time it's happened, you know. :'''Servo''': We agreed not to talk about that. :'''Markov''': You just... you just won't be quiet, you think everyone's your friend because you trust so much. :'''Servo''': I blame [[w:Facebook|Facebook]]. :'''Markov''': We can try to stay clear of people, but... :'''Servo''': They're everywhere, right? :'''Markov''': ... in time, they'll come into our lives and nothing will ever be the same again. :'''Servo''': You mean when we ride the comet? :'''Markov''': You know, I need time to myself too, you know. :'''Servo''': Of course, master. Forgive me. :'''Markov''': But you make noises so loud, everyone thinks I'm hiding a monster. :'''Servo''': Again, let me apologize, I stepped out of line, and I'm sorry. :'''Markov''': People are suspicious of things they don't understand. :'''Servo''': Right, like the thing with the chicken. :'''Markov''': And that's why I'm hiding you. :'''Servo''': That makes sense, master. Let me go prepare your chamber. :'''Markov''': But it's very hard to keep the world out. :'''Servo''': I understand. We're all waiting for the day of the great translargement. It's going to be glorious. ''[returns to his seat]'' :'''Crow''': What was that all about? :'''Servo''': Hell if I know. <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': He's got Kirk. :'''Bud''': Kirk is not the answer anymore. :'''Servo''': Picard? <hr width=50%/> :'''Markov''': Alex... :'''Servo''': I'll take "Potent Potables" for $200. :'''Markov''': ...when Sarah died, teaching you was all I had. It got me through. :'''Jonah''': What stage of grief is chimp-play? :'''Markov''': But we're broke... :'''Crow [as Markov]''': Your [[w:Beanie Babies|Beanie Baby]] obsession destroyed us. :'''Markov''': And we can't stay together if... I can't feed you. :'''Jonah''': Oh, I get it, circle of life. Man loses wife, teaches chimp to talk, joins low-ranked carnival, goes broke, man and chimp starve in a trailer, seen it a hundred times, really. <hr width=50%> :'''Carnie''': Okay okay okay, here's where you get the big one, one in, you win- how about you, sir? Three balls for fifty cents, by golly, here's where you win the big one, just one in, you take home a beautiful goldfish. Everybody plays it! Come on in, sir, wait a minute, step right inside, sir... :'''Jonah [as [[w:Toby Radloff|Toby Radloff]]/[[w:The Simpsons|Comic Book Guy]]]''': Uh, no. As a nerd, I do not partake in games of chance. I understand they are rigged in favor of the carnival against the laws of probability. On the other hand, I do need a new pair of belly-high pants. Oh no, I've attracted a crowd, the pressure's on... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Crow and Servo ogle a pair of scantily-clad dancing women]'' :'''Jonah''': Come on, guys. That's not cool. :'''Crow''': But you dance all the time! :'''Jonah''': That's my ''private'' time, and- I- I didn't know you could see that either, okay?! <hr width=50%/> :''[Alex goes into an unlocked car, and a girl is seen sleeping in the back]'' :'''Servo''': Why it's Missy O'Shea, the girl in the car! :''[Alex starts the car up]'' :'''Jonah''': ''Grand Theft Auto: Chimp City.'' :'''Servo''': Forget about that. Where's Missy O'Shea?! :'''Crow''': Guys, let's not jump to any conclusions. Sure she's ''a'' girl in ''a'' car, but is she ''the'' girl in ''the'' car? <hr width=50%> :''[Alex has stolen a car and run a police car off the road, getting it stuck in the grass]'' :'''Jonah''': Police cars don't work on grass! :'''Servo''': [[w:Back to the Future Part II|Unless you got powuh!]] ''[laughs goofily]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[during a random car chase]'' :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Breaker, breaker, we got a ''Carnival Magic'' in progress. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Uh, ''Carnival Magic''? What's that? :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': That's when a second-rate producer has access to a carnival, so he writes a script in three days and pays all his actors in beer and cheese sticks. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Oh right, and he pads out the movie with footage of sad children and a car chase that does nothing to further the plot, but makes the movie long enough so that way he can run it in theaters. :'''Crow [as Officer 1]''': Uh-huh, and it gets buried in a vault for years until [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000|mad scientists make a TV show where they force poor jerks to watch it]], thus giving it a second life its makers never truly intended. :'''Servo [as Officer 2]''': Yeah, exactly. ''Carnival Magic.'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Livingston''': It's as if he's willing himself to die. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': We'll have what he's having! <hr width=50%/> :''[as onscreen text announces a potential sequel]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''More Carnival Magic''? No! :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, Elvin Feltner produced a whole ton of ''Carnival Magic'' sequels, though when ''More Carnival Magic'' finally came out, it was titled ''[[w:2 Fast 2 Furious|2 Magic 2 Carnival]]''. :'''Crow''': Huge hit, but nothing compared to the conclusion of the original trilogy, ''Carnival Magic 3: [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King|Return of the Girl in the Car]]''. :'''Servo''': Then Elvin Feltner kind of lost his way with the [[w:Star Wars #Prequel Trilogy|prequels]]. Alex was played by a CGI monkey instead of a real chimp. :'''Crow''': And nobody really wanted to know the story of how Markov met Alex, and how Stoney and Bud got their hats. :'''Servo''': They were really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that David spin-off movie when he went back home to save his dad's PR company from a hostile takeover by a bigger, eviler PR company. :'''Crow''': Oh yeah, the whole ''[[w:Marvel Cinematic Universe|Carnival Magic shared cinematic universe]]''. At that point, the whole ''Carnival Magic'' movies were just 90-minute advertisements for the ''Carnival Magic'' toy lines. :'''Servo''': But just when you thought the carnival magic was gone, they reboot the series with ''[[w:Batman Begins|Carnival Magic Begins]]'' and remind America why it fell in love with talking chimps and greasy carnies in the first place. :'''Jonah''': I had no idea there were so many of these movies. :'''Servo''': Elvin Feltner asked America a simple question: why couldn't you turn a trailer park into a movie studio? :'''Crow''': And the answer was, people only want to spend so much time smack-dab in the path of a dangerous tornado lane. :'''Servo''': True, but there's still something inspiring about it. A man who said, "If I want to make a movie, I don't need big stars, or a lot of money, or talent, or taste, or a sense of basic human decency." :'''Crow''': "All I need is some trailers, an unsupervised primate, and a bunch of unemployed, locally salvaged almost actors." :'''Jonah''': Okay, now I think you're just being sarcastic. :'''Servo''': Unfortunately, Trailer Park Productions' other movies weren't nearly as successful. :'''Crow''': They tried a couple of disaster movies- ''Tornado'', and ''The Night the Septic Tank Gave Out''. :'''Servo''': And of course the [[romantic comedies]] ''Van Rockers'', and ''Marriage Bed Above the Driver's Seat''. :'''Crow''': I kind of liked the action movies he did: ''Maximum Towage''. :'''Servo''': Oh, and don't forget his sci-fi epic ''Cosmic Winnebago of the Fourth Dimension''. :'''Jonah''': Guys, were any of these movies real? :'''Servo''': Of course not, Jonah! :'''Crow''': I don't even think ''Carnival Magic'' was real, and we just watched it! :'''Jonah''': That's a good point. Did we really just watch a movie just now? === [[w:The Christmas That Almost Wasn't|The Christmas That Almost Wasn't]] === :'''Max''': Merry Christmas! Ho, ho, ho! :'''Kinga''': No, no! Knock it off! We're a binge-watching show. I mean, odds are, nobody's actually watching this on Christmas. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the title card appears, and reads "Il Natale Che Quasi Non Fu"]'' :'''Servo''': Either the title card is in Italian, or we're getting nachos. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': I must be seeing things. :'''Jonah''': Charles Darwin? :'''Sam''': Excuse me sir, I hope you're not gonna laugh at me, but if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were Santa Claus. :'''Servo [as Santa]''': Are you saying I'm fat?! :'''Santa''': I am Santa Claus. And I'm not laughing. :'''Sam''': That's what I thought! I'd have recognized you sooner if it hadn't been for that sad look on your face! :'''Crow [as Santa]''': I'm off the clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Now tell me. What's our pickle-faced friend got up his sleeve this year? :'''Crow [as Sam]''': Yeah, what's his ''dill''? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': When's the rent due, Santa? :'''Santa''': Christmas Eve at midnight. :'''Sam''': Doesn't leave you much time, does it? :'''Santa''': That's why I came all the way down here to find you. :'''Sam''': Why me? I'm nobody special. :'''Santa''': Years ago when you were a little boy, you wrote me a letter. :'''Sam''': So did a million other children. :'''Santa''': That's very true, but you see Sam, you're the ''only'' child who wrote me a letter ''after'' Christmas. You spelled "thank you" with two K's. :''[Sam begins laughing]'' :'''Servo [as Sam]''': Hahaha, I'm not obsessed with you! <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': How much do you owe, Santa? :'''Santa''': Oh no, I couldn't... :'''Sam''': Now now now, come on, Santa. I'm a lawyer, and lawyers don't like to lose arguments. How much? :'''Santa''': ''[handing him a piece of paper]'' Well, here's the rent bill. :'''Jonah [as Sam]''': This is just a folded up Denny's placemat with dollar symbols drawn all over it. :'''Crow [as Sam]''': 800 candy canes a ''day''??? :'''Sam''': ''[perplexed]'' That much...? :'''Servo [as Sam]''': You're gonna need one ''hell'' of a GoFundMe page! :... :''[as Sam struggles to come up with funds for Santa's rent, only to find he's severely short]'' :'''Sam''': Now don't get me wrong, Santa. I'm really a good lawyer. I just keep forgetting to send out bills. :'''Servo''': A lawyer who forgets to send out bills? This movie just became unrealistic. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sam''': Money. Money, that's all this man seems to think about. Mr. Phineas T. Prune thinks money, talks money, eats money, smells money. Mr. Phineas middle initial T. Prune! :'''Servo''': The T stands for "the"? :'''Sam''': That T wouldn't stand for Tightwad by any chance, would it?! :'''Crow''': ''[dramatic gasp]'' :'''Prune''': I object! :'''Sam''': Objection overruled! :'''Crow''': Man, North Korea has a more fair court system than this. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Prune spies on Sam]'' :'''Jonah''': Someday, he'll just send a drone to do this. <hr width=50%/> :'''Suzy's Mother''': But just you wait 'til I tell him about this! A real, honest-to-goodness Santa Claus, and in a department store! :'''Jonah''': What's next, cherry [[w:phosphate soda|phosphates]]? Women driving cars? A [[John F. Kennedy|Catholic in the White House]]??? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a now reformed Prune runs out into the street]'' :'''Prune''': Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? :'''Jonah [as Prune]''': Why didn't I buy a boat sooner?! :'''Prune''': Why? Why? ''[a passerby walks by]'' Merry Christmas! :'''Passerby''': Please, please sir, you'll catch cold! :''[another passerby walks by]'' :'''Prune''': Merry Christmas! :'''Servo [as Passerby]''': I think you mean "Happy Holidays". <hr width=50%/> :'''Prune''': ''[singing]'' Why can't every day be Christmas? :'''Jonah [as the other person] ''': I don't know! :'''Prune''': Why can't every day be gay? :'''Crow''': That's a loaded question. === [[w:At the Earth's Core (film)|At the Earth's Core]] === :'''Crow''': ''[upon seeing a stream locomotive]'' I wonder if [[w:Shining Time Station|the conductor]] is [[w:Ringo Starr|Ringo Starr]] or [[w:George Carlin|George Carlin]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as David and Dr. Abner explore the strange landscape]'' :'''Dr. Abner Perry''': What an extraordinary sky! :'''David Innes''': What a strange color, Doc. :'''Dr. Abner''': This cannot be the Rhondda Valley. :'''Jonah''': I think it's Tim Burton's backyard. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Abner and David flee from a monster, which is an obvious greenscreen] '' :'''Servo''': We're being charged by a giant monster... movie! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Abner''': ''[about a Rhamphorhynchus]'' My goodness, how enormous. Why, the largest remains we ever discovered have never indicated a size much greater than that attained by an ordinary crow! :'''Crow''': ''[offended]'' Ah, that's it. I'm leaving. :''[Jonah pulls him back into his seat]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Being a chivalrous gentleman, David traps his fellow slaves with their captors in a room full of lava. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kinga''':It is the God-given right of every American woman to become a North Korean dictator on her wedding day! == Season 12: The Gauntlet == === [[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]] === :'''Kinga''': From now on, we're dumbing things down. :'''Max''': Yeah. Once people are dumb, they'll pay us to make them smart with our invention exchange, a new pharmaceutical we call, Algernon! :'''Jonah''': I don't know. Anything that has to do with messing with your brain chemistry can't be very safe. :'''Kinga''': Relax, ex-fiancé! No one can sue us if we mention all the terrible stuff our drug ''could'' do to you in the advertisement. ''Algernon...'' :'''Synthia''': Hi, I'm Synthia. As a clone I lacked basic intelligence, but that changed when I started taking Algernon. :'''Kinga''': ''Algernon... '' :'''Synthia''': Algernon is the only effective smartness drug on ''the'' market. :'''Max''': Grow your brain with Algernon, dumbasses! :'''Kinga''': ''[speaking rapidly]'' Side effects of Algernon include nausea, mouse friendship, and the 1969 Oscar for Best Actor. Algernon may kill you if taken when the sun is out or setting. :'''Max''': ''[rapidly speaking]'' Algernon should not be ingested even in jest. For more warnings, see our ad in ''Golf Magazine''. :'''Synthia''': Algernon made me so smart, I realized it was dangerous, and I should stop taking it. :'''Kinga, Max, and Synthia''': ''Algernon!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as security surrounds the building]'' :'''Servo''': Don't worry, if we just put some flashing lights on it, nobody'll notice it's your mom's station wagon. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mac is blown onto the highway and struck by a vehicle]'' :'''Crow''': So now our lovable hero is getting hit by a car. Gotcha. <hr width=50%/> :''[as three of the aliens travel naked and struggling through the desert]'' :'''Jonah''': The [[w:Blue Man Group|Blue Man Group]] as you've never seen them before: brown! :'''Servo [as one of the aliens]''': ''[coughing]'' No, go on and do the movie without me, please... :'''Crow''': They're so close to inventing clothes. Come on guys! :'''Jonah''': This is like if humanity had evolved from ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': Hey, how's it going? :'''Debbie''': ''[wearing stereotypical Native American apparel]'' Shhh! We're communing with the earth spirits. :'''Servo [as Debbie]''': They say this is very insensitive. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric investigates the running shower]'' :'''Servo''': Oh yeah, way to diss the new owners. Leave the shower running, and they get stuck with the water bill. :'''Crow [as Eric]''': Hello? Somebody in here? 'Cause I've been holding it in since Denver! :''[Eric pulls aside the shower curtain, revealing nothing]'' :'''Jonah''': Somebody killed [[w:Janet Leigh|Janet Leigh]]! :'''Servo [as Eric]''': Oh, I was hoping it'd be that lady duck from ''[[w:Howard the Duck (film)|Howard the Duck]]''. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric opens the front door after Mac reveals himself]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Raven|Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door?]] :''[Eric opens the door and no one is there]'' :'''Jonah''': Huh, [[Edgar Allan Poe|darkness there, and nothing more.]] :'''Crow''': Huh, didn't even have the courtesy to leave a flaming bag of poop. <hr width=50%/> :''[A garbage can rattles]'' :'''Crow''': Remember: When you throw away your [[w:Tickle Me Elmo|Tickle Me Elmo]], you've ''got'' to remove the batteries. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Eric's wheelchair starts to rush down a hill toward a cliff]'' :'''Crow [as Eric]''': [[Star Wars: Episode I – The Phantom Menace|Now ''this'' is podracing]]! :'''Debbie''': Eric! :'''Servo''': Chickabee! Tay in the wind! :''[Eric tries to brake, but his brake breaks off]'' :'''Jonah [as Eric]''': Damn you, Roy's Discount Medical Supplies! :''[Eric flies off the cliff, screaming into a lake below]'' :'''Crow''': You know, they went through three Erics making this. :''[Mac watches Eric splash into the water confused]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Great. Now I'm gonna get blamed for this too. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': I can't help feeling like I've seen all this before. Single mom, suburban kid, big brother, little girl... :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's ''[[E.T.]]'' :'''Crow''': No, that's not it. You know, they find an alien, he loves junk food— :'''Jonah''': Yeah no, it's from ''E.T.'' :'''Crow''': No, but the alien is separated from its family and just wants to call home— :'''Jonah''': You're thinking of ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': No, but then the alien helps the kid fly— :'''Jonah''': ''E.T.''!!! :'''Crow''': Let me finish! —during a summer camp boxing match. :'''Jonah''': Oh, ''[[w:Meatballs Part II|Meatballs II]]''. :'''Crow''': Now ''that's'' it! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as an agent] ''': Tell my wife I died chasing a little boy in a wheelchair! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mike''': ''[wearing sunglasses]'' Eric! :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[cut to a different angle, the sunglasses go missing]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? :'''Mike''': Get ready! :''[the sunglasses are suddenly back on Mike's face]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, nice sunglasses. :'''Servo''': ''[Mike is pulling Mac into the van; the sunglasses are gone]'' Hey, where'd the sunglasses go? <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac is riding piggyback on Mike]'' :'''Crow''': ''[imitating [[w:Yoda|Yoda]]]'' [[w:Luke Skywalker|Luke]], 30 years from now, overly possessive fanboys, upset with [[w:Star Wars: The Last Jedi|your character arc]] will be. Hmm, yes. <hr width=50%/> :''[the MACs have wandered into the grocery store, and the mother has knocked over a pile of canned soda]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Jenga! :'''Store Associate''': Hey, what do you think you're doing?! :'''Crow [as a MAC]''' Uh, uh, uhhh... :''[the father MAC walks in front of the associate, holding a watermelon]'' :'''Jonah [as the father MAC]''': I gotta find the John, where do I put this? :''[the associate looks at him, bottom to top]'' :'''Servo [as the father MAC]''': Did you just check me out??? :'''Crow and Jonah [as two bystanders]''': Did he just check him out??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Now this is what ''E.T.'' was missing. A shootout in a grocery store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Oh, I bet this is the part of the movie where Eric's gonna give a big speech about no matter what we look like on the outside, we are all the same, and really, isn't that— ''[the police begin opening fire on the aliens, starting a massive firefight]'' Whoa, okay. Tha— I mean like— oh! NO! NOO! NO STOP! NO IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE A SPEECH ABOUT HOW WE'RE ALL THE SAME! :'''Servo''': What? ''[the cars all explode, causing a massive explosion of the gas store]'' :'''Jonah''': NOOO!!! :'''Crow''': What the hell??? :'''Servo''': Holy gizmos! :'''Jonah''': ''[freaking out]'' NO, WHAT THE F— COME ON!!! This didn't happen in ''E.T.''! :'''Crow''': [[Apocalypse Now|I love the smell of napalm in the morning]]! :'''Jonah''': ''[stressed]'' It's supposed to be about how we're all the same in the end and everything's gonna be okay... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': He looks like [[w:Teddy Ruxpin|Teddy Ruxpin]] with his face torn off. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': That's neither the church ''nor'' the steeple. <hr width=50%/> :''[Mac blows a bubblegum bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Wanna see my spleen? It's pretty cool. :''[Eric pops the bubble]'' :'''Servo [as Mac]''': Ahh! I need that to live! === [[w:Atlantic Rim (film)|Atlantic Rim]] === :'''Crow''' Atlantic Rim? Could you be more [[w:Pacific Rim (film)|Pacific]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Admiral Hadley''': Pretty big step for a radar glitch. Do you have anymore information you wanna tell me? :'''Gypsy''': [[w:The Sixth Sense|Bruce Willis was dead the whole time]], sir. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': Damn, what time is it? :'''Crow''': Time is a social construct, SIR! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Adams''': Who would take down an oil rig? :'''Crow''': [[w:Robert Mueller|Robert Mueller]]? <hr width=50%/> :'''Lt. Jim''': It just disappeared from my sonar, I don't have anything here. Anybody else reading anything? :'''Crow''': ''[as Stone]'' Uh, ''[[w:Lincoln in the Bardo|Lincoln in the Bardo]]''. :'''Jonah''': ''[as Admiral Hadley]'' ''Cash on Cash'' by [[w:Johnny Cash|Johnny Cash]]. :'''Servo''': ''[as Dr. Margaret Adams]'' [[w:Danielle Steel|Danielle Steel]]. :'''Crow''': ''[as Lt. Wexler]'' I'm into podcasts. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red battles a giant monster]'' :'''Red''': This thing's all over my ass, man! He's gonna tear me up! :'''Crow''': Excuse me? :'''Lt. Jim''': Hey, send someone in there, he's getting killed down there! :''[as the camera shows different characters]'' :'''Servo [as Hadley]''': That thing's all over him. :'''Crow [as Adams]''': Tearing him up. :'''Jonah [as Wexler]''' Especially his ass. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Red is being put in the brig]'' :'''Red''': Easy! :'''Crow''': Yeezy? Kanye? I don't know what to call him anymore! Tell me what to call Kanye, please! :'''Servo [as Red]''': Oh, I think I found a way out. I'm gonna get outta here- ''[door is locked]'' Aww man... :'''Red''': Yo, there's people dying! :'''Jonah [as Red]''': And it's actually Beren''stain'' Bears! ''Not Bernstein!!!'' <hr width=50%/> :''[in a scene with two bomber pilots]'' :'''Jonah''': I kinda just figured we'd get matching helmets, didn't you? :'''Servo''': [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]]??? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': That day, eight brave soldiers evacuated Manhattan by word of mouth alone. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as Geise]''': He's gonna hear about this! "@US Navy; my Admiral says 'cappish' instead of 'capiche'. LOL, eyepatch emoji," tweet. :'''Geise''': It's me. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Ya boy. :'''Geise''': We're not getting no play here. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': It's a total sausage fest. :'''Geise''': The Admiral is going to lose New York one way or another. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': He's already misplaced Orlando. :'''Geise''': I think it's time we implement... :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Pause for effect. :'''Geise''': ... the Trojan Horse. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': Bum, bum, bum! :'''Geise''': Yes sir. :'''Crow [as Geise]''': I love you. Uh- wai- Why is he always hanging up right when I'm about to say it? <hr width=50%/> :''[as the bots attack the monster]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, lets look at this from the monster's point of view. He's out of his element, an endangered species, probably just looking for food and suddenly, some robots attack him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, if anything, he's a poor huddled mass just yearning to breath free. :'''Servo''': We should be welcoming this new sea monster American, and the unique skills he brings with him. :'''Jonah''': Yeah :''[At this point, the monster accidentally destroys the Statue of Liberty, causing Jonah and the bots to freak out]'' :'''Crow''': Aw, hell no! :'''Jonah''': Kill that monster! ''[in chorus with Servo and Crow]'' USA! USA! USA! <hr width=50%/> :''[the monster has been defeated by Red, and everyone is celebrating]'' :'''Servo''': So now they go out for a well deserved night of celebration. :'''Crow''': Which ends with Red once again, in the brig. This time for urinating on the dog of a visiting diplomat. :'''Jonah''': Until another monster emerges for him to battle. :'''Servo''': Which he does, leading to another victory, and another night of drinking. :'''Crow''': And he's back in the brig. :'''Jonah''': And the cycle of Red's life continues. :''[camera pans to the burning remains of the giant robot]'' :'''Servo''': And the movie ends as it began... as a garbage fire. === [[w:Lords of the Deep|Lords of the Deep]] === :'''Stanley''': You're not exactly fired, Barbara. I mean- there is a difference between being fired and being replaced. :'''Crow''': Just ask [[w:Conan O'Brien|Conan O'Brien]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Submarine shakes violently, with alarms going off]'' :'''Crow''': That's why you always go into the theater when you have Movie Sign. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[as someone dresses into a yellow wetsuit]'' Can't believe I have to dress like a Minion for this stupid kid's birthday party. I went to Juilliard! <hr width=50%/> :''[a yellow submarine rests on the seafloor]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[imitating John Lennon]'' Told you we shouldn't have let Ringo drive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Well, at least he died doing what he loved; yelling at fish. <hr width=50%/> :''[about a shot behind a grate]'' :'''Servo''': You know, Jonah, this shot is not ''grate''. :'''Jonah''': Thanks, Tom. I know you're just ''venting''. You wanna try one, Crow? :'''Crow''': No thanks, I don't think puns are funny. Yet the way they're constructed makes you feel like they should be. :'''Jonah''': I hear ya. :... :''[later, on a shot of a sink]'' :'''Crow''': Hey, I got it! Let that ''sink'' in. Yeah, I'm a pun guy! I like myself, and I'm saying puns! <hr width=50%/> :''[a shot of Claire seemingly gazing down on the three silhouettes]'' :'''Jonah''': Hey, she's looking right at us! :'''Crow''': Yeah! You're freaking us out, lady! Stop it! :'''Servo''': And look at how she's behaving, like ''we're'' the jerks. :'''Jonah''': Yeah! :''[she begins to back away]'' :'''Servo''': No, you back off! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': More like Amelia ''Water''heart! Get it? I'm puntastic! <hr width=50%/> :'''Chadwick''': It's like if you... blew 'em apart... :'''Crow''': You know, like, ba-boom? :'''Chadwick''': All those little pieces, in time, would come back together again... :''[Chadwick locks his fingers together]'' :'''Jonah''': Here's the church, here's the steeple... :'''Chadwick''' ''[Locking his fingers together tighter]'': And form one being. :'''Jonah''' Open the doors, Lords of the Deeple. === [[w:The Day Time Ended|The Day Time Ended]] === :'''Jenny''': ''[suddenly appearing in the shot]'' Bye Daddy! :'''Jonah [as Richard]''': Whoops, were you there the whole time, baby? :'''Richard''': You be a good girl for Mommy now, okay? :'''Jenny''': I will, Daddy. :'''Richard''': Alright, I'll see you tomorrow. :'''Crow''': Bargain-bin Mark Hammill's gotta get his make out on! <hr width=50%/> :'''Steve''': ''[coming downstairs]'' Hey, Dad. :'''Servo, Jonah, and Crow''': [[w:Cheers|Norm]]! <hr width=50%/> :'''Richard''': ''[on the phone]'' Well how long do you think it would take to fix it? :'''Jonah''': A half-hour, sir. It's just a pizza. :'''Richard''' Okay, I'll call back in an hour or so. Thank you. :'''Jonah''': No no- what toppings do you need on the- ''[Richard hangs up]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Grant''': What is it? :'''Ana''': The mirror. :'''Grant''': Well, what about it? :'''Ana''': It was broken. :'''Crow [as Grant]''': Damn bikers must have fixed it! <hr width=50%/> :''[The camera is left running as Jenny goes to the bathroom]'' :'''Crow''': Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to wait here while she goes tinkle? What's the point? Why? <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow [as Ana]''': ''[as the alien reveals itself to Ana]'' Ugh, gotta stop mixing steak milk and NyQuil... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jenny''': Mommy, I don't wanna go. I like it here. :'''Beth''': Shh, honey, don't talk now... :'''Servo [as Beth]''': Or ever. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Grant enters a smoke-filled basement]'' :'''Jonah [as Grant]''': Boy, are you steaming hams down here again? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a small alien appears in the parents' bedroom]'' :'''Jonah''' [as Mr. Hankey]: Well, ''howdy-ho!'' === [[w:Killer Fish|Killer Fish]] === :'''Max''': ''[pulling out a turkey egg from their time-travel oven]'' Hey! What came first? The cooked turkey or the egg? :'''Kinga''': ''[very annoyed]'' ... Flush them the movie! :'''Max''': No, think about it. If they're watching this on Thanksgiving... or Easter... it would ''blow'' their minds. :'''Kinga''': ...... No. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fisher''': ''[as officers inspect their boat]'' I guess you want to see our licenses again? You've seen it every day this week. :'''Officer''': But this time, it's different. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': You can say that again. :'''Jonah [as Officer]''': It's my birthday. :'''Fisher''': This time we got the jackpot. :'''Crow [as Fisher]''': We caught us a money shark! Check it out! :'''Fisher''': ''[holding up a catch of fish]'' Eh? :'''Servo''': ''Finding Nemo'' my ass, right. We caught the sucker and his whole crummy family! <hr width=50%/> :'''Luis''': You have got a lot of nerve. Telling a man who has had a heart attack that he's lucky to have stopped working. He's lucky to be alive. :'''Jonah [as Luis]''': He's a miracle! :'''Cavello''': But he looks pretty healthy. :'''Luis''': Must be that lady friend of his. I have a feeling she's ''extremely'' efficacious. ''[snickers]'' :'''Crow''': Ugh. I wonder how they spelled "nyahuhuhuh" in the script. <hr width=50%/> :'''Kate''': ''[as Diller opens a book, only to have it taken away by Kate]'' Ah ah ah, ''much'' too heavy for a man in your delicate condition. :'''Jonah''': Oh man, nothing turns a guy on more than a lady implying he's too delicate to lift a book. <hr width=50%/> :''[after the obese Ollie is pulled into the pool by Robert Lasky]'' :'''Servo''': Whoa, he almost landed on Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed! :'''Jonah''': It's especially humiliating because he had ''so much'' dignity in the first place. :'''Ollie''': I should have stayed a 98-pound weakling. :'''Crow [as Ollie]''': Curse this final form! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': ''[singing]'' Will I see many sea anemones? No no, there are no sea anemones to see. But though I don't see baracuda or a school of ahi tuna, I'll still rip off ''Jaws'' one and two and three! <hr width=50%/> :'''Ollie''': ''[during a photoshoot]'' Well, what do you think? :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': ''[flashing the okay sign]'' It stinks! <hr width=50%/> :'''Gabrielle''': Where have you two been? :'''Kate''': In the shower. :'''Jonah [as Gabrielle]''': Ish that shupposhed to be shome kind of euphemishm? :'''Lasky''': ''[playing backgammon]'' I was showing Gabrielle some basic moves. :'''Servo''': Lathering, rinsing, repeating... :'''Paul''': Looks to me more like you're trying to keep them a secret. Leaving blots at this particular stage of the game, my dear, can be a very reckless proposition. Unless, of course, one knows how to turn them to one's own advantage. :'''Lasky''': Maybe I should take a lesson from you. :'''Crow''': In the shower? :'''Gabrielle''': Here, you two play. Go ahead. :'''Jonah''': In the ''shower?'' Tom, you take the next one. :'''Paul''': No no, leave them just as they are. I'll pick up where she left off. :'''Servo''': In the ''SHOWER???'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as a very cheap looking tornado breaks the dam causing a flood]'' :'''Growler [as a tour guide]''': If you look out the left side of the tram, you'll see a twister from the movie ''[[w:Twister (1996 film)|Twister]]''. And there's the flash flood section of the backlot. You might recognize it from ''[[w:Three Amigos|The Three Amigos]]'', and ''[[w:The China Syndrome|The China Syndrome]]''. Hopefully you're wearing your raincoats, because the dam broke. Of course, this is just the magic of special effects, courtesy of three giant pumps that can move 10,000 gallons of water in sixty seconds. This concludes our tour! Hope you enjoyed our new Killer Fish ride at Universal. <hr width=50%/> :'''M Waverly''': ''[as a man gets eaten alive in the water by a swarm of piranhas]'' Who's ready for borscht? I put sour cream in separate containers so you can dollop it out yourselves! :'''Jonah''': Ugh, not now, M Waverly. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': ''[utilizing a model wooden cutout model of the film's characters]'' Okay boys, we need to figure out a way to get them over here, using only this. :'''Servo''': Jonah, are we ''really'' doing an ''[[w:Apollo 13 (film)|Apollo 13]]'' bit? It's 23 years old. :'''Crow''': We don't have time for questions! Irritating lives are on the line! :'''Jonah''': It's like a logic puzzle where you cross a river with a fox, a chicken, and a bag of grain. :'''Servo''': Why not just leave the fox? Is there ''any'' situation where you'd ''need'' a fox? :'''Jonah''': My point is, it's all about the order you do things in! You can't just send Kate and Paul, 'cause they'll just run away with the jewels. :'''Servo''': Hmm, and you can't send Paul with Lasky because they'll just fight. :'''Crow''': Lasky and Gabrielle get along too well. Halfway to shore, spontaneous shower. :'''Jonah''': Exactly. :'''Servo''': And we're not even ready to address the Ollie conundrum. :'''Jonah''': And they can't all fit on the raft, unless... they ''are'' the raft! :'''Servo''': Ohhh! :'''Jonah''': Ann and Gabrielle are the oars! :'''Crow''': Kate's hair is the sail! :'''Servo''': Lasky is the floor, Paul's the steering wheel! :'''Jonah''': Exactly! And Ollie... :''[beat]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, we all knew Ollie wasn't making it out of this. :'''Servo''': Yeah. :'''Jonah''': Yeah that's a good point... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ollie is swarmed by piranhas]'' :'''Crow''': ''[as Ollie bleeds in the water]'' Hey, Kool-Aid! :'''Ann''': Take my hand, Ollie! :'''Ollie''': I can't! :'''Servo [as Ollie]''': Curse this delicious honey-barbecue flavored blood of mine! :... :''[Ollie is killed, and bloody water is all the remains]'' :'''Growler''': Who wants Kool-Aid? Did you guys do that one already? :'''Servo''': Yeah, we did. :'''Growler''': Okay, I'll be right over here. <hr width=50%/> :'''Lasky''': You think this blood could buy us enough time to get down to that raft? :'''Paul''': ''[chuckling]'' That's all we've got. Let's try it. :'''Gabrielle''': Hey, you're not really gonna go into that water, are you? :''[an explosion happens]'' :'''Servo''': Oh, sorry! That was me! Left my Stouffer's lasagna in the oven too long. :'''Growler''': Somebody call for a Stouffer's lasagna? :'''Jonah''': No, but thanks, Growler. :'''Growler''': Well, if it's all the same to you, I'm gonna go over there, lay this thing across my torso, and pretend I suffered a bear attack. Goodbye. :'''Jonah''': What? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Lasky jumps into piranha-infested waters to catch Paul on the raft, causing the piranhas to attack him]'' :'''Growler''': My brother-in-law took down a 12-point buck last winter, so I made this blood sausage. Anybody want some? :''[Jonah and the bots gag]'' :'''Jonah''': Oh, you're disgusting! :'''Servo''': That's just gross! Come on. :'''Crow''': Come on Growler! :'''Growler''': Okay, suit yourself. I'll be over here. <hr width=50%/> :''[as piranhas attack Lasky]'' :'''Crow [as a piranha]''': At this point, I'm just stress-eating! :'''Servo''': Kids, this is what happens if you fall in during the Jungle Cruise at Universal Studios. :'''Jonah''': Why hasn't [[w:David Blaine|David Blaine]] tried this? === [[w:Ator, the Fighting Eagle|Ator, the Fighting Eagle]] === :''[as the credit naming [[w:Miles O'Keeffe|Miles O'Keeffe]] is listed]'' :'''Servo''': Remind me again, how much Keeffe is in this movie? :'''Jonah''': Oh hush. <hr width=50%/> :'''Indun''': You will feel that you've stepped into eternity. :'''Jonah''': I stepped in ''something''. == Season 13: The Gizmoplex == === [[w:Santo en el tesoro de Drácula|Santo in the Treasure of Dracula]] === :'''Kinga Forrester''': For three decades, the Forrester family experiment has resided on a number of platforms. :'''Max''': ''[[w:Comedy Central|Comedy Central]]'', the ''[[w:SyFy|Sci-fi Channel]]'', ''[[w:Netflix|Netflix]]''... :'''Kinga''' But my family thought too small. Why subject our home-grown experiment to the hands of thankless executives... when ''we'' could be the thankless executives??? Introducing, the Kinga-dome! Our premiere theater- :'''Max''': Connected to the Gizmoplex! :'''Kinga''': ... Our ''premiere theater!!!'' ... for all things ''Mystery Science Theater 3000''. A bright and shining beacon to the worst that cinema has to offer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Tom Servo''': This is actually my favorite ''[[w:Castlevania|Castlevania]]'' sequel. <hr width=50%/> :'''Voiceover''': ''[translating a sign]'' Dr. Cesar Sepulveda, nuclear physicist. :'''Servo''': Thursdays on Telemundo. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah Heston''' ''[about Santo's silver wrestling mask]'' It's like a Hershey Kiss in a suit. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''' Uh-oh, I think this contraption is powered by an Etch-a-Sketch. <hr width=50%/> :'''Professor Van Roth''': How strange. This mirror reflects everything. :'''Jonah''': Yes, it's a mirror. :'''Van Roth''': Except you! :'''Count Dracula''': Bastard! ''[shatters the mirror]'' :'''Servo''': Now you'll have seven years of bad suck- uh luck. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dracula flees after being revealed by Van Roth]'' :'''Jonah [as Dracula]''': You fool, I've been me the whole time! :'''Van Roth''': Mein Gott! ''[proceeds to cross his heart]'' :'''Servo''': Spectacles, testicles... testicles... testicles... <hr width=50%/> :'''Luisa''': That was an awful experience. :'''Santo''': Calm down, it's already over. Get some rest. :'''Crow T. Robot [as Luisa]''': But I've slept most of the movie. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Hey, you got your Spirit Halloween store in my Ed Wood movie. :'''Servo''': No, you got your Ed Wood movie in my Spirit Halloween store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Most of wrestling is just different types of hugs. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': So a booming soundtrack as the little girl walks around the house, but silence during a car chase. Okay. === [[w:Robot Wars (film)|Robot Wars]] === :''[as the opening credits lists J. Downing]'' :'''Crow T. Robot''': I bet the J stands for "just please don't use my full name". <hr width=50%> :''[as a robot is shown onscreen]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, is that you??? :'''Jonah Heston''': Oh no, hey now Crow, easy. It's not. :... :''[the robot is shown again]'' :'''Crow''': Papa, you wanna have a catch? :'''Jonah''': Hey, it's not your dad, okay? :'''Crow''': Jonah, you're not my REAL dad! <hr width=50%> :'''Tom Servo''': ''[after a model tank is destroyed]'' There goes the entire practical effect budget. <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''': Rooney, you must have grown up in old California with too much sun. Let me ask you a question. Was your daddy rich and your mama good looking? :'''Rooney''': You're cruising for a court martial, buster boy. :'''Servo [as Drake]''': That's buster ''bro''! <hr width=50%> :'''Rooney''': I hope he gets his balls shot off. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Battlestar Galactica (2003 series)|So say we all]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Stumpy''': You know, we're robot men, Captain. What are we doing out here in a grit and grime where people can blow our ass away? We're supposed to be indestructible! :'''Crow''': You know, like the ''Titanic'', or the seal industry, or Gamestop stocks, or Beanie Babies, or America's love for James Corden! <hr width=50%> :''[during a laser gun fight]'' :'''Crow''': So who are we rooting for? :'''Jonah''': Oh, whoever makes the kill shot that ends the movie. <hr width=50%> :'''GPC''': ''[at the sight of a building labeled "Oasis"]'' Anyway, here's "Wonderwall." <hr width=50%> :'''Drake''' : Stumpy, get out of there, you're a sitting duck! :'''Stumpy''': Just keep that override down!!! :'''Crow''': Yeah, and maximize the wiffle hoofer, and triangular the single framler and coagulate the preflamer!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': And lo, did the white people flee into the desert, soon to create Scottsdale, Arizona. === [[w:Beyond Atlantis (film)|Beyond Atlantis]] === :'''Emily Connor''': Can't believe I'm really on the dark side of the moon. :'''Max''': Well, [[w:The Dark Side of the Moon|as a matter of fact, it's all dark]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': Well, the stimulator bots have already absorbed the behavior of Jonah's bots within seconds. :'''Servo''': And your point? :'''Emily''': That's not gonna be problematic... :'''Crow''': I'll tell you what's problematic, your soul's gonna get crushed within seconds! :'''Emily''': I'm used to it, I'm on Twitter. <hr width=50%> :'''Servo''': My friend, [[w:Ja Rule|Ja Rule]] told me that [[w:Fyre Festival|Fyre Fest]] would be here. <hr width=50%> :''[as a woman stands on East Eddie during his massage]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, she can finally clean that fan. :'''East Eddie''': Feast your eyes on this. :'''Servo''': Anything to take our eyes off of that. :'''Logan''': That's a Tuscarora! :'''Crow''': No, that's a pearl. :'''Logan''': It's worth a thousand pesos, maybe more. Where'd you get it? :'''Emily''': From a wet scared guy. :'''East Eddie''': Can you fence it? :'''Logan''': Fence? Hell, it'll go like wildfire! These are rare, I haven't seen one in years. :'''East Eddie''': There's a lot more where that came from. :'''Servo''': I got a guy shoving sand into oysters as we speak. :'''East Eddie''': I'll supply, you deal, we'll split down the middle. :'''Crow''': Splitting it? That's almost like half! :'''Logan''': ''[shaking East Eddie's hand]'' Put 'er there, pard! :'''Emily''': You got it, 'ner! <hr width=50%> :'''Logan''': Eddie, you got money, and I'm a diver. Now all we need's a boat and some good equipment. You can pick 'em up for a song. Just give me a small advance, I can have us moving in a couple of days. :'''Emily''': Uh, is she washing him with a chicken cutlet? :'''East Eddie''': Listen, I know where you're coming from, and the idea's out of sight, but I want Vic Mathias in on this. He's an expert diver, he has his own boat, and he knows the islands like the back of his hand. :'''Logan''': It's no good, it won't work. If we bring him in, we've got to make it a three-way scene. :'''East Eddie''': So we'll split it three ways! :'''Emily [as Logan]''': Ugh, but we're a dynamic duo, not a terrific trio! :'''Logan''': No, we don't need him! :'''East Eddie''': I want him! He'll keep us honest. :'''Crow [as East Eddie]''': What are we, crooks? :'''Logan''': Eddie, believe me, I know the region better than Mathias. I lived on the islands for five years, I've covered every inch of 'em. We can do it alone! Just tell me where you found them. It's probably an island I used to live on. :''[East Eddie laughs hard]'' :'''Servo [as East Eddie]''': ''[hysterical]'' You can't live on an ''island''! It's surrounded by ''WATER''! How would you even get there??? HA HA HA!!! <hr width=50%> :'''Servo [as Logan]''': Wait a minute, how am I sitting across from me? <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': ''[when an armed guard does nothing in regards to a nearby fight]'' Really low AI on the NPCs in this game. <hr width=50%> :'''East Eddie''': I'm speaking to him in a dialect he can't refuse to understand! :'''Emily''': Esperanto. :'''East Eddie''': The truth! :'''Crow''': Is East Eddie the bad guy??? :'''East Eddie''': And you talk to me in English! :'''Servo''': That's why American tourists are beloved the world over. <hr width=50%> :'''Emily''': I guess we hosts have to stick together. :'''Jonah''': Actually, historically we hosts have never stuck together. Kind of a host-eat-host world. :'''Emily''': Oh really? 'Cause maybe working together you'd have been able to escape. I mean, how'd you do 20 of these experiments and never try outsmarting the Mads? I mean, I hate to use strong language but... they seem kind of dumb. :'''Jonah''': Yes, yes yes yes yes, good point! Perhaps with the proper cooperation, this forced vacation can be brought to a cessation! :'''Emily''': Huh? Why are you talking in rhymes all of a sudden? :'''Jonah''': I will tell you later why I speak in rhyme, but unfortunately now, you've got- :''[buzzer sounds]'' :'''Emily''': MOVIE SIGN! <hr width=50%> :'''Nereus''': Only hurt and destruction can come from the feelings within you. It is your destiny to mate with an outsider, not to love him. :'''Crow''': Island Tinder. <hr width=50%> :'''Vic Mathias''': ''[to Syrene]'' I don't love you. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': Okay, Syrene, play it cool. Don't let him know he's hurt you... :''[Syrene runs out of the hut]'' :'''Crow''': She really runs like a mermaid. :''[Mathias slowly exits his hut to watch her run off]'' :'''Servo [as Mathias]''': [[w: Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory|Wait. Stop. Come back]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Syrene''': There is still another place. :'''Emily''': Where the watermelons grow? :'''Logan''': You've been holding out. :'''Syrene''': It's very deep. :'''Logan''': Yeah, but it's got pearls in it, right? :'''Syrene''': According to the lore of my people, the Rizion Channel has hundreds upon hundreds of pearls. :'''Crow''': Boring mythology, but okay. :'''Logan''': You've seen them? :'''Syrene''': No, but others in my village have. :'''Emily [as Syrene]''': And the fish down there? ''Totally'' naked. :'''Logan''': What are we waiting for? :'''Servo [as Syrene]''': You mean, "For what are we waiting?" :'''Syrene''': It's very dangerous. :'''Logan''' You only live once. :'''Emily''': Logan invented YOLO? Take that, Drake. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': This movie is just a series of nice landscapes ruined by weird people. <hr width=50%> :''[as the villagers carry Syrene's casket boat into the ocean]'' :'''Emily''': To be fair, this movie makes me want to walk into the ocean, too. :... :'''Emily''': I don't think some of these extras were prepared for how deep this was gonna get. :'''Servo''': No one was. :'''Crow''': Ariel's burial. === [[w:Munchie|Munchie]] === :''[as Gage begins daydreaming about an awards ceremony in class]'' :'''Jonah''': Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Fracties! The night where fractions come out to shine. :'''Male Announcer''': It's my honor to read the name of the student whom you have chosen as your next student body president. ''[is given an envelope]'' Envelope please, thank you. ''[gives it to the woman next to him]'' :'''Crow [as the announcer]''': I can't read. :'''Female Announcer''': And the winner is... :'''GPC''': [[w:La La Land|La La Land]]! [[w:List of accolades received by La La Land|Oh, not again]]... :'''Female Announcer''': Gage Dobson! :''[the students cheer and applaud]'' :'''Servo [as voiceover announcer]''': This is Gage Dobson's first win after being nominated for such daydreams as ''What If I Were a Robot With a Sword For an Arm?'' and ''Naked Book Report II''. :''[as Gage accepts a trophy]'' :'''Jonah''': Okay, and cue the [[w:Carrie (1976 film)|bucket of pigs blood]]. :''[Mrs. Blaylok suddenly appears by Gage]'' :'''Crow [as Blaylok/[[w:Kanye West|Kanye West]]]''': [[w:2009 MTV Video Music Awards|I'mma let you finish...]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Mrs. Blaylok''': The problem on the board, how can we arrive at a sum? :'''Jonah''': [[w:All Star (song)|BODY once told me the world is gonna Munchie]]! <hr width=50%> :'''Gage Dobson''': Do you think you'll ever get this Jeep running? :'''Professor Cruikshank''': This bucket of bolts? Of course I will! Then I'll have to think of something to do with these hands. :'''Crow''': Don't, you'll go blind! <hr width=50%> :'''Dobson''': Hey, where are you gonna sleep tonight? :'''Munchie''': Pal, any place is an improvement over that box. Actually, I was sort of hoping I could bunk down with you. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Ew. :'''Dobson''': You're gonna have to make your own bed though. :'''Munchie''': Don't worry about me, Pal. Hammer, nails, I come prepared. :'''Jonah''': [[w: Pontius Pilate| Pontius Pilate]] sends his regards. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Munchie sits at a computer, and the puppet clumsily types on the keyboard]'' :'''Munchie''': Okay, let's go. Let's see what kind of grades this kid's got. :'''Jonah''': He just spelled "jkfghfgl." <hr width=50%> :'''Leon Daggett''': ''[dazed]'' I... am gonna kill... you. :'''Crow [as Leon]''': Once... I deal... with this brain hem...o...rrhage. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Gage punches Leon out cold into a laundry cart]'' :'''Servo [as Gage]''': Violence ''is'' the answer! :''[shot of Leon in a dazed state as the laundry cart rolls into the showers]'' :'''Jonah''': Wasn't football gonna do that anyway? I mean... :'''Servo [as Gage]''': You just got en-Gaged! No wait, that's not it... something with Gage. :''[several other classmates cheer for Gage]'' :'''Jonah''': Gage's understudies. :'''Gym Teacher''': Alright, break it up. Head for class. Gage, we gotta talk! :'''Crow [as Gym Teacher]''': You're guilty of manslaughter, bud! <hr width=50%> :'''Elliot''': This is the most important thing I've ever asked anyone in my life. :'''Crow [as Elliot]''': Can you get me out of this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Munchie''': Gage, you should never ask for anything unless you really want it. :'''Dobson''': I know. :'''Crow''': Is that what the puppet team said to the concept artist for this movie? <hr width=50%> :'''Cathy''': ''[interrupting the party]'' Gaaage! :'''Servo''': [[w:Garfield|Garfield!]] :'''Jonah''': [[w: Dennis the Menace (U.S. comics|Dennis!]] :'''Crow''': [[Malcolm in the Middle|Malcolm!]] :'''Servo''': [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks|ALLLVIIIN!!!]] <hr width=50%> :'''Jonah''': It's comforting to see Munchie in a body bag. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the faces of the characters show during the closing credits]'' :'''Jonah''': Cathy was sentenced to twelve years in prison for fraudulent catering charges on Elliot's missing credit card. :'''Crow''': Elliot died on the prison farm and was vivisected by the other inmates. No charges have been filed. :'''Servo''': Professor Crookshank was arrested for hijacking and held indefinitely in Guantanamo Bay. He does not expect a trial. :''[as Gage is shown]'' :'''Jonah''': Hang on, main character, but fourth billed? Ouch. === [[w:Doctor Mordrid|Doctor Mordrid]] === :'''Emily''': ''[during a long panning shot of Mordrid's room during the title sequence]'' I think the camera operator might just be lost. <hr width=50%> :''[during an establishing shot of [[w:Rio de Janiro| Rio de Janiro]] and the [[w: Christ the Redeemer (statue)|Christ the Redeemer statue]]]'' :'''Crow''' For God so loved the world ''thiiis'' much. <hr width=50%> :'''Kabal''': ''[pouring out a thick liquid onto the ground]'' Beyond the barrier of heaven and earth, let it go free into a closed dwelling. May it cause it to enter. :'''Emily''': The world has never seen such evil caramel. :'''Kabal''': Primum materialis... :'''GPC 2''': Lorem ipsum! :'''Kabal''': Release this blood of the earth. May it find its place with the philosopher's stone. :'''Emily''' Now in America, that's [[w:Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone|sorcerer's stone]]. <hr width=50%> :'''Samantha Hunt''': Oh listen, I was curious about- :''[Dr. Mordrid uses his medallion to freeze time and vanish]'' :'''Servo''': Dr. Mordrid, sorcerer supreme, uses his incredible powers to escape awkward small talk. <hr width=50%> :''[Mordrid opens a chest and begins browsing through scrolls]'' :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''' Let's see, [[w:Dead Sea Scrolls|Dead Sea Scrolls]], exalted scrolls, [[w:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion|Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]], yes! <hr width=50%> :''[Samantha tries to open Mordrid's door, only to be burned by the doorknob]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring|One does not simply walk into Mordrid's]]. <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation]'' :'''Mordrid''': I have to tell you something. :'''Emily [as Mordrid]''': I'm pregnant. :'''Mordrid''': ''Show'' you something, so that you'll comprehend the magnitude of why I cannot be held here any longer. :'''Servo [as Mordrid]''': Through the medium of dance. :'''Samantha''': Everything we say is being recorded. :'''Emily [as Samantha]''': We're live on [[w:Twitch (service)|Twitch]]. Thanks to Donkey Dan for the three month sub. <hr width=50%> :'''Adrian''': Oh look dude, the master protects me from your puny weapons! You ain't got- ''[Gaudio shoots him in the leg]'' :'''Emily [as Adrian]''': My jelly pants! :'''Adrian''': IT HURTS! :'''Gaudio''': Call him an ambulance. :'''Crow [as police officer]''': You're an ambulance, sir. <hr width=50%> :'''Crow''': I can't believe ''Dr. Mordrid'' was a Christmas movie the whole time! :'''Emily''': Well, okay, but it wasn't though. :'''Servo''': But there was a Christmas tree in it. :'''Emily''': Well a Christmas tree doesn't make it a Christmas movie. ''101 Dalmatians'' has a Christmas tree in it. :'''Crow''': Well, what if it takes place on Christmas, ''and'' has a Christmas tree in it? :'''Servo''': Like ''Die Hard''. :'''Emily''': Okay, it doesn't matter. Look at the release date. ''Die Hard'' came out July 15th, 1988. It's a summer blockbuster, not a Christmas movie. :'''Servo''': How do you know when ''Die Hard'' came out? :'''Emily''': I have this discussion a lot. :'''Crow''': So if it came out at any point other than the Christmas season, it's not a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': That's right. :'''Servo''': What about ''Nightmare Before Christmas''? :'''Emily''': Well, released October 13th, obviously a Halloween movie. :'''Crow''': ''Elf''? :'''Emily''': Well, released November 7th, an early Thanksgiving parable about found families and sugar consumption. :'''Servo''': ''It's a Wonderful Life''? :'''Emily''': While, actually released on January 7th, it's a New Year's morality play about the evils of forgetfulness. :'''Servo''': So according to Newton's third law of motion, ''any'' movie that comes out in the Christmas season is a Christmas movie? :'''Emily''': Me and Newton are on the same page there. :'''Crow''': Then ''Titanic'' is a Christmas movie! :'''Emily''': Yep. And I'll die on this hill, and if the hill comes out in late December, I'll call it a Christmas hill. === [[w:Demon Squad|Demon Squad]] === :'''Joel''': Hey, Dr. Erhardt, I haven't seen you in several millenia. How's the mad biz treating you? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Oh, you know, Joel. It ebbs and flows. More of a hobby at this point. :'''Joel''': I gotcha. Really glad to hear your voice caught up with you too. That shrill nagging tone you always had was really grating on the ears. :'''Dr. Erhardt''': ''[shrill-voiced]'' It's a hormonal disorder, you little piece of sh- :'''Kinga''': GENTLEMEN! <hr width=50%> :'''Bonsey''': Wait... who was that guy again? :'''Ardy''': I'll tell you later. Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%> :'''Daisy O'Reilly''': ...I am about to use this thing for scrap. We need something that'll stay on more than ten minutes at a time. :'''Nick Moon''': Those things still cost money, right? :'''Daisy''': Thing's older than I am. :'''Nick Moon''': Still works harder. :'''Crow''': Says the drunk guy. :'''Daisy''': As I keep saying, I would happily work hard at the job I ''thought'' I was hired for. :'''Servo [as Nick Noon]''': Well I ''thought'' I needed a jaded barista. :'''Nick Moon''': We settled this. You're lucky I even hired you. :'''Daisy''': It helped that I was the only applicant. :'''Joel''': Ooh, another LinkedIn success story. <hr width=50%> :'''Nick Moon''': Now what can I do for you miss... :'''Delilah Fontaine''': Fontaine. Delilah Fontaine. :'''Nick Moon''': Miss Fontaine. :'''Delilah''': Call me Lilah. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': So, Karen... :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Leslie... :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Sandy... :'''Nick Moon''': Any relation to Charles Fontaine? :'''Delilah''': He's my father. :'''Nick Moon''': Let me stop you there. :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Tony. :'''Nick Moon''': I don't do missing persons. :'''Delilah''': I think you'll find this particular case to be of interest. :'''Nick Moon''': Look lady, as much as I'd like to help you, I can't find your old man. It doesn't matter how many zeroes you put on the check. :'''Joel [as Nick Moon]''': Because Nick don't do math. <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': You really don't have to do this, Nick. I can get a hotel room. :'''Nick Moon''': I do this for all my clients. :'''Servo [as Delilah]''': Yes, I see them under your bed. :'''Nick Moon''': Well, you know. All my attractive, single clients. :'''Crow [as Delilah]''': Oh, I get it. You're a pig! <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': What are you going to do? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': I just ate 14 dumplings. What do ''you'' think? <hr width=50%> :''[during an interrogation of a vampire]'' :'''Nick Moon''': What's The Stranger planning? :'''Joel''': ''Stranger Things''? :'''Vampire''': Well, he has the dagger, so use your imagination. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Hmmm... dragons. :'''Vampire''': That's all I know. Now can I go? :'''Servo [as Nick Moon]''': Sure, do you need your parking validated? <hr width=50%> :'''Delilah''': ''[after Nick startles her]'' I'm starting to see why you're single. :'''Crow [as Nick Moon]''': Pretty cool, huh? :'''Nick Moon''': ''[surprised]'' ... Wow. :'''Servo''': Yeah, a real, live woman. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': Pretty niiice! === [[w:Gamera vs. Jiger|Gamera vs. Jiger]] === :'''Ardy''': Gamera? I could really go for some turtle meat. <hr width=50%/> :''[during the opening credits montage]'' :'''Servo''': I guess we're watching Gamera's acting reel now? :'''Crow''': Has Gamera been in other movies? :'''Jonah''': Oh yeah, Gamera's been in a lot of movies. ''[[w:Gamera vs. Guiron|Gamera vs. Guiron]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Gyaos|Gamera vs. Gyaos]]'', ''[[w:Gamera vs. Barugon|Gamera vs. Barugon]]'', ''[[w:The Bridges of Madison County (film)|Gamera vs. The Bridges of Madison County]]'', and ''[[w:Kramer vs. Kramer|Gamera vs. Kramer vs. Kramer]]''. :'''Crow''': Wow, I didn't realize that Gamera was such a versatile performer. :'''Jonah''': Oh, totally. :'''Servo''': Yeah, he's like the Meryl Streep of giant turtle actors. He's not afraid to do intimate character work. :'''Jonah''': Yeah, that's what I like about him. <hr width=50%/> :'''Hiroshi''': ''[about a miniature submarine]'' Will it really dive, or is this model a toy? :'''Hiroshi's Father''': No, it's a real miniature submarine. But the trouble is, it's too real, and goes too far down. :'''Servo [as Hiroshi's Father]:''' Like my serotonin. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': Gamera is like the original fidget spinner. <hr width=50%/> :''[after Jiger shoots Gamera with darts]'' :'''Crow''': Jiger's all like, "Why don't we put a pin in this?" :''[Jiger charges Gamera and rams him]'' :'''Jonah''': [[w:Pokemon|Jiger uses dash! It's super effective]]! <hr width=50%/> :''[a ship's doctor takes a drink of liquor]'' :'''Servo''': Second opinion from Dr. Jim Bean. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the statue is unloaded]'' :'''Hiroshi''': They'll unload it. :'''Susan''': ''[in a heavy hard to understand accent]'' These men should teach you a lesson. They're not afraid if some old curse gets them. :'''Crow''': If anyone needs subtitles in this movie, it's ''her''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Let's call this monster [[w:Axl Rose|Axl Rose]], because he's got an [[w: Appetite for Destruction|appetite for destruction]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera flies like a plane! He likes pleasure mixed with pain! Never kink shame Gamera! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Gamera is wounded and beaten by Jiger, and Gamera slowly retreats]'' :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' It's not just my arm that is bleeding / It's part of my neck meat as well / But it's mainly my ego that's bleeding / Why must I come out of my shell? :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, everyone knows me as Gamera / The turtle the kids all adore / But if I get stabbed by a Jiger / Will they even like me anymore? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' For the love of the children is fickle / You have it, then it disappears / They'll love you, and leave you tomorrow / As soon as the city smoke disappears. :'''Crow [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' You'd say Gamera, sure he's got everything / The power, flight, looks, and fame / Then into town swims Kaiju come lately / They don't even remember my name. :'''Jonah [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's the friend of all children / Of that, the whole world can agree / Oh Gamera's friends with the children / But who gives their friendship to me? :'''Servo [as Gamera]''': ''[singing]'' Sure, I've been singing a long time / I'm a ham with a long way to go / Because after all, I'm a turtle / And turtles do everything slow. :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' And turtles do everything slooow... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy navigate the miniature submarine through Gamera's lungs]'' :'''Jonah''': This is the most stressful game of Operation ever played. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Hiroshi and Tommy venture out into Gamera's lung]'' :'''Jonah''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Pure Imagination|Come with me, and you'll see, a world of turtle respiration! Steal your dad's submarine, and attempt resuscitation.]] :'''Hiroshi''': Tommy, I think this is it over here. Dr. Matsui, there's a small hole in his side. :'''Dr. Matsui''': A hole? Be very careful. :'''Servo''': [[#Eegah|Watch out for snakes]]. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the Gamera theme plays and Gamera flies off with Jiger's dead body]'' :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera take the body home! Gonna eat the flesh from bone! Keto diet Gamera! :'''Crow''': Oh weird, they're being trailed by cans and a banner that says "Just married". :'''Servo, Crow, and Jonah''': ''[singing]'' Gamera's a movie that has no end in sight! No going home! This is now your life! === The Batwoman === :''[as the Batwoman rides a horse through a Mexican village to a jazz melody]'' :'''Emily''': Wow, Gotham got hit hard by the recession. :'''Crow''': Spaghetti westerns only wish they were Sultry Jazz Westerns. <hr width=50%/> :''[as reporters crowd Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Batwoman, when will you release your tax returns? :'''Servo''': Batwoman, what's your position on pants? :'''Crow''': Is it true the [[w:Zack Snyder's Justice League|Snyder Cut]] of ''Batwoman'' has 25% more spearfishing? <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Eric Williams''': You're about to witness the discovery of the century! :'''Servo [as Williams]''': Stock footage! :'''Dr. Williams''': From the depths of the ocean, over 400 million years ago, surfaced the beginnings of the human race! :'''Emily''': Is this a Scientology pitch? :'''Dr. Williams''': And it all began with the first vertebrate, the fish! Starting from that point, we will make the regress into the dawn of evolution. :'''Crow''': Oh, edibles are hitting. :'''Dr. Williams''': And we will create a new being with the likeness of our ancestors: a human amphibious hybrid! ''[laughs maniacally]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, now I hate when comedians laugh at their own jokes. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': Well, Danny Elfman lost his job to an alarm clock. <hr width=50%/> :'''Henchman''': ''[bringing Batwoman to Dr. Williams]'' Boss, look who we found! Get in here! :''[Batwoman begins to fight the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Pow! :'''Servo''': Biff! :''[Dr. Williams grabs a scalpel and moves for Batwoman]'' :'''Emily''': Grab! :'''Crow''': Lunge! :''[Batwoman grabs a beaker of acid and throws it in Dr. Williams' face]'' :'''Servo''': Acid! <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''Batwoman'', the movie that dares to say, "We rented an underwater camera, and we're going to get every last peso out of it!" <hr width=50%/> :''[a car pulls out as a drum set plays the start of some upbeat music]'' :'''Servo''': I do ''not'' like the sound of that transmission. <hr width=50%/> :''[during a car chase scene involving henchmen and Batwoman]'' :'''Servo''': ''[singing to the chase music]'' Baaatwoman swerves. Baaatwoman drives. With Baaatwoman nerve, Baaatwoman jives! :'''Emily''': See, this is why you've got to have a dashcam. :''[Batwoman honks her horn at the henchmen]'' :'''Crow''': Ah, yeah. Honk your horn. That'll show 'em. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Batwoman swims through a school of fish]'' :'''Emily''': I'm pretty sure she was in [[w:The Aquabats|the Aquabats]]. :'''Servo''': Well, she's in [[w:Phish|Phish]] now. :'''Crow''': Clearly. <hr width=50%/> :''[Batwoman is chased into an underwater patch of kelp]'' :'''Servo''': [[w:Help! (song)|Kelp! I need somebody...]] :'''Emily''': Please no. Please no. :'''Servo''': [[w:With a Little Help from My Friends|I get by with a little kelp from my friends...]] :'''Crow''': No no no, you really shouldn't. :'''Servo''': Sorry. I can't kelp myself. :'''Crow and Emily''': Uuugh! <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Williams''': It'll be interesting to see if a woman can survive this kind of surgery and restore her pineal fluids without dying. Up to date, no man has been able to, but maybe the female gender is actually the most adequate to carry out this experiment for biological reasons. :'''Mario''': You're insane, doctor! :'''Dr. Williams''': You may be right, but as a matter of fact, there's an invisible line separating insanity and genius! :'''Servo''': The [[w:Kanye West|Kanye]] line. === [[w:The Million Eyes of Sumuru|The Million Eyes of Sumuru]] === :'''Bonsey''': Oh, this one sounds familiar. :'''Ardy''': Shhhh... <hr width=50%/> :''[a bridge explodes as a funeral parade passes over it]'' :'''Crow''': It's a boy! :'''Jonah''': Yay! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah [as spy]''': ''[as a female spy takes off her sunglasses and looks into the camera]'' Hello viewer, there were five mistakes in that scene. Can ''you'' name them all? <hr width=50%/> :'''Medika''': ''[being wheeled away by a group of women]'' Mr. West! :'''Nick West''': Hey, wait a minute! :'''Crow [as a nurse]''': But we have to surgery. :''[Nick runs to the group of women as they turn to him with medical tools]'' :'''Jonah [as a nurse]''': Feet in the stirrups, come on buddy. :'''Nick West''': Look ladies. My blue cross is all paid up. :''[a nun sneaks behind him and incapacitates him]'' :'''Servo [as nun]''': Sorry, but this is out of network. :'''Jonah [as nun]''': And then there were nun! ''[the nun slowly looks into the camera with an evil smile]'' Ha. Get it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': ''[dressed as Sir Anthony]'' Well old chaps, let's go over this bally mission one last time, what what? :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': ''[dressed as Medika]'' It's simple. HMG and the CIA need you to get the VIP from the USA in his BMW to the HMV near the BBC with his DB at an ETA of 9:00 AM GMT. :'''Jonah''': Huh? :'''Crow''': Greenwich Mean Time! :'''Servo''': Jolly good, and I've arranged for the VP of HMV to arrive in a GMC supplied by MI5 ASAP with a 4k HDTV tuned to HGTV with a soundtrack by the Bee Gees. :'''Jonah''': Huh?! :'''Crow''': Pay attention! This all has to go like clockwork! :'''Servo''': Yes yes, the CW. So anyway, FYI... :'''Jonah''': Oh, I know that one! For your information. :'''Crow''': Don't be ridiculous! That's Federal Yellowdress Informant. She'll meet the BMW at the UN with the USMC, BTO, CCR, and UB40 while you ROTFL on AOL, then BRB so we can TTYL. :'''Jonah''': Talk to you later. :'''Crow''': Correct! :'''Jonah''': Ah! Then why'd you- oh you... :'''Servo''': Precisely. Oklahoma University. So you see, the MC5 will approach the NSA VIP with their new CD on the QT, in the MI5 BMW at the VW and OMG, IRL, IMO, BTW, LOL, BRB. ABC NBC CBS AMC TNT CMA GMO ASPCA UCLA YMCA ICUP, OK? :'''Crow''': Yeah, what do you say to that? :'''Jonah''': Uh, OWGMS. :'''Crow and Servo''': Huh? :''[movie sign sounds]'' :'''Jonah''' Oh, we got movie sign! <hr width=50%/> :''[Sumuru is handed a gun]'' :'''Nick West''': What's that thing? :'''Servo [as Sumuru]''': It's for mommy's headaches. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Frankie Avalon's hair comes courtesy of Build-A-Bear Workshop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Sumuru''': Erno, are his clothes packed? :'''Erno''': Yes, my lady. :'''Nick West''': Oh dear, I hope you were careful with that blue suit. It creases so. :'''Crow [as Sumuru]''': Burn the suit. :'''Sumuru''': And take care of his bill. :'''Nick West''': Yes, I wouldn't like to have an unpaid hotel bill on my conscience. :'''Sumuru''': Keep joking, Mr. West. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Please don't. :'''Sumuru''': You will be finished with jokes before the night is out. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Us too. :'''Nick West''': I was beginning to run out of material anyway. :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': Agreed. <hr width=50%/> :''[Helga undresses behind a curtain as a shirtless Tommy Carter sits with his back to it]'' :'''Crow [as Frankie Avalon]''': I don't get it. Why aren't I making out right now? I'm Frankie Avalon! Is the universe playing a joke on me? :... :''[Helga comes out from behind the curtain, wrapped in a towel]'' :'''Crow''': Sham-wow! :'''Tommy Carter''': Well, what'd you have in mind? :'''Helga''': Well, to prove to you I have no concealed weapons... ''[reveals herself to Tommy Carter, who smiles]'' :'''Servo [as Frankie Avalon]''': It's about damn time. I'm Frankie Avalon! :''[Tommy Carter drops his pistol]'' :'''Jonah''': Bang! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Sumuru whips Nick West in a dungeon]'' :'''Servo''': Okay, if there are any kids watching, it's past your bedtimes. === [[w:H. G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come|H.G. Wells' The Shape of Things to Come]] === :''[a robot presses a big red "cancel" button]'' :'''Emily''': Meanwhile, at ''Netflix''... <hr width=50%/> :''[shot of a computer screen giving various readings]'' :'''Servo [as an officer]''': It's called Twitter. It's gonna be ''great'' for the discourse. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. John Caball dons a silver radiation suit]'' :'''Servo''': Chernobyl for a prom theme. What were they thinking? :'''Crow [as Dr. Caball]''': Alright, you're gonna wanna cook me at 350 degrees for about 70 minutes, you'll know when I'm done when a fork easily pierces my skin. Load me up with butter and don't skimp on the chives. I'm a potato. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Caball gazes out into space]'' :'''Dr. Caball''': Well, we're on our way. Out there is the vastness of space... the unknown... :'''Crow''': [[w:Monty Python and the Holy Grail|It's only a model.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Kim Smedley''': Funny, I still think of myself as an Earth child. :'''Servo''': Emily, do you still think of yourself as an Earth child? :'''Emily''': Oh, I don't know. Ask me after I've been here for seven years. :'''Crow''': Uh, no human has ever lived here that long. Just ask the other guys. :'''Emily''': Wait, what? <hr width=50%/> :'''Sparks''': ''[to Jason Caball]'' Let me lead the way. :'''Emily''': Aw, that's sweet. Would you guys ever escort me into a dangerous unknown situation? :'''Servo''': Uh, I'd walk with you so I could better criticize your choices. :'''Crow''': I'd let you walk in front of me so you could shield me from the worst of the shrapnel. :'''Servo''': And I'd definitely film the whole thing for [[w:WorldStarHipHop|WorldStarHipHop]]. :'''Crow and Servo''': WorldStar! <hr width=50%/> :'''Emily''': Hey, what would you call an almost perfect ripoff of the [[w:USS Enterprise (NCC-1701)|USS ''Enterprise'']]? :'''Servo''': The USS Compromise. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Omus tortures Dr. Caball with high pitched sound, causing him to scream and spasm]'' :'''Emily''': You know, I do the same thing when I can't get [[w:Baby Shark|"Baby Shark"]] out of my head either. === [[w:The Mask (1961 film)|The Mask]] === :'''Max''': Good evening, Jonah. Prepare yourselves for a night of thrills, chills, and since I'm making soup, very likely spills. :'''Kinga''': Max, I told you to get Growler and M. Waverly to clear away those cobwebs! The Gizmoplex looks like the inside of Charles Addams' coffin. :'''Max''': I just thought, because it's Halloween and all- :'''Kinga''': You thought you'd be lazier than usual? Clean it up! :'''Max''': Fine, but if the Great Pumpkin doesn't show up, I'm blaming you. :'''Kinga''': Uh, there is no Great Pumpkin. Haven't you ever seen the end of [[w:It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown|the special]]? :'''Max''': I never get that far, because it's too scary! <hr width=50%/> :''[when the Warner Brothers logo appears]'' :'''Jonah''': Warner Brothers? Are we in the right theater? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jim Moran''': I've seen masks unearthed from the ruins of crumbling tombs and masks hanging in exotic temples to ward off evil spirits. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': And goofy ghosts. :'''Jim Moran''': ''[beckons to a decorated skull shaped mask]'' But nowhere, in all my travels, have I seen anything to compare to the power of this mask... :'''Crow''': The [[w:Misfits (band)|Misfits]] logo! :'''Jim Moran''': ... and the horrible curse it bears. This is the mask in which our story revolves, and I can tell you that even though I'm not superstitious, I wouldn't put it on for all the wealth of the Indies. :'''Jonah [as Jim Moran]''': Or a Klondike bar. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Allan Barnes''': Exactly what is this mask? :'''Michael Radin''': ''[under duress]'' The mask is to blame. You're just not aware of its power. :'''GPC [as Michael]''': It's toxic mask-ulinity. <hr width=50%/> :''[dramatic chord as Michael commits suicide offscreen, and a Chinese themed bobblehead shakes its head]'' :'''Jonah''': For a bobblehead, you're really judgemental. And racist. :'''Crow [as bobblehead]''': Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye... :''[Mrs. Kelly knocks on the door]'' :'''Servo [as Mrs. Kelly]''': Michael? I heard low brass. Did something ominous just happen, Michael? ''[Mrs. Kelly opens the door]'' Michael where are- oh! ''[Mrs. Kelly screams in horror]'' :''[a shot of Michael's body under a cover, his hands in a rigid form]'' :'''Jonah''': He died doing what he loved: jazz hands. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Barnes puts the mask on, and enters a hellish demonic trance]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Jonah''': [[w:Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf song)|You don't know what we can find, why don't you come with me, Dr. Barnes, on a 3D carpet ride!]] :'''Crow''': Is this what it feels like to chew 5 Gum? :''[shot of a skull with its eyes]'' :'''Servo''': Ack ack! Ack ack ack! :''[the skull dissolves leaving only the eyes, which zoom forward past the screen repeatedly]'' :'''Jonah''': Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! Irises, pupils, and cataracts, oh my! <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Allan, I want you to get help from someone. Someone you can trust. :'''Crow [as Pam]''': Like Jake, from Statefarm. :'''Dr. Barnes''': Trust? There's no one I can trust. :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': Not even Flo from Progressive. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': This movie is like a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, seen through the migraine-inducing idea of 3D glasses. <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Barnes takes off the mask]'' :'''Crow''': Thank you for using Mask. Be sure not to operate heavy machinery after applying mask. :'''Servo''': Do not combine Mask with alcohol or other masks. :'''Jonah''': Mask is not responsible for any car chases or murders the operator commits. :'''Crow''': Side-effects include greasy face and crunchy pants. Ask your doctor about Mask today. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': Do you have to take the drug again, Allan? Is it like an addiction that builds until every pore of your body craves for it? Breathes for it? Is that what you feel, Allan? :''[Dr. Barnes covers his ears and leans against a bookshelf]'' :'''Crow [as Dr. Barnes]''': I can't hear you! I'm a book now! :'''Pam Albright''': The need to satisfy the beast that's eating into you? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Snickers|There's a hunger inside you...]] :'''Pam Albright''': And when you put it on again, what will it be like? :'''Servo''': ''[singing]'' Won't go away... :'''Pam Albright''': Like a shot, a jolt, a charge that cools your burning body? :'''Crow''': It's grease lightning! :'''Pam Albright''': Will it lift you up and carry you along until you're ready to be plunged down again? Deeper, deeper, each time deeper until you die?! :'''Dr. Barnes''': Shut up, SHUT UP! :'''Servo [as Dr. Barnes]''': You're killing me with this Word Jazz! :'''Pam Albright''': Tell me I'm not right. :'''Jonah [as Hank Hill]''': [[w:King of the Hill|That Pam ain't right.]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Pam Albright''': ''[on the phone]'' Police department, please. :'''Servo [as Pam]''': Yes, I'm white. === [[w:The Bubble (1966 film)|The Bubble]] === :'''Kinga''': Your experiment today, Joel, may possibly be one of the worst films we've ever presented. Sorry, not sorry. :'''Joel''': Hey, how bad could it be? I had to riff ''Manos''. :'''Kinga''': Ardy? :'''Ardy''': Oh, this movie's upsetting on a profound existential level. I'd advise you to put a disclaimer on it ASAP if you're still intending to use it as part of the experiment. :'''Kinga''': So on a scale from ''Mitchell'' to ''Monsters-a-Go-Go'', where would you say this lands? :'''Ardy''': Ah, well let me put it this way. We built the whole Kingachrome system around ''Manos: The Hands of Fate'' and even that didn't have the effect this movie's having on our facility. This may just be the wolf mother of all bad movies. :'''Kinga''': You think you're so smart, Robinson. "I had to watch ''Manos''. Da da da da da-" HA! Face the cinematic claustrophobia that is ''The Bubble''. FLUSH THEM THE MOVIEEEEE! :'''Ardy''': Movie in the hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Catherine enters labor]'' :'''Mark''': I don't know what to do. :'''Catherine''': You're taking all this too seriously. After all now, what's childbirth? Just a sexy bellyache. :'''Joel''': Is it? :'''Catherine''': Oh God, this one's king-sized! :'''Mark''': Honey, I'm sorry. :'''Crow''': It's too late for that. :'''Catherine''': What's there to be sorry about? I wanna hatch him out. I'm tired of being his big fat private incubator. :'''Mark''': Well, just hold on for a little while longer. We'll be out of this. This guy's a hell of a pilot. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': According to Craigslist. :'''Catherine''': Better be a hell of an obstetrician. :'''Mark''': No... just hold it in, please? :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Yeah, there's gotta be a rest stop around here, somewhere. <hr width=50%/> :'''Joel''': This opening sequence is a clickbait article just waiting to happen. <hr width=50%/> :'''Catherine''': By the way, what happened to Mr. Airplane? You know, what's his name? Herric? :'''Mark''': Tony Herric. He found himself a saloon, and a girl. I think I'm gonna join him. :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': What?! <hr width=50%/> :''[as Tony and Mark drive through the mysterious town]'' :'''Mark''': Never seen such mixed up architecture. It almost looks like the backside of a movie lot. :'''Tony''': That's it! A movie lot, big deal. :'''Mark''': Yeah, of course. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': That explains everything. :'''Mark''': The people in the costumes, the... the cables coming from underneath the lampposts... :'''Servo [as Mark]''': This guy who keeps yelling at me to act better. :'''Mark''': But I don't see any- any cameras, Tony. :'''Tony''': Friend, all I want is the exit. :'''Joel [as Tony]''': One of these warp pipes should get us out of here. :... :'''Tony''': Ah, to hell with it, all I want's my plane. :'''Servo''': All I want's the end credits. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You know, it just dawned on me. They're really having a tough time. :'''Crow''': Yeah, this movie's helping me put my little problems into perspective. :'''Joel''': That's right, my little robot friends, no matter how bad your day is, you can always say "At least I'm not in Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble''." :'''Servo''': But, we are watching Arch Oboler's ''The Bubble'', and that's pretty bad. :'''Joel''': Yeah, I guess I'm sorry I tried to cheer us up. This blows. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mark''': Look, isn't it about time? :'''Servo''': Uh-oh... :'''Mark''': That you face reality? :'''Joel''': Oh, apt thing to say to a new mom. :'''Catherine''': Reality? What reality? :'''Crow''': You're soaking in it. :'''Catherine''': That either I'm in some kind of a nightmare from which I can't want up, or if what you say is true, then... then I'm part of a human zoo. :'''Servo''': You make it sound so metal. :'''Catherine''': I'd rather be in that nightmare. :'''Joel''': This is why you talk about human zoos before you get married. :'''Mark''': In a zoo? Were we so free before? Was I, the nine to five routine year after year? :'''Catherine''': But Mark, to live like an animal under the eye of- :'''Mark''': Since when haven't I been under an eye? :'''Catherine''': As a child. :'''Mark''': As a child, hell, first, first there was school, then there was the army, then after the army, the job. :'''Crow [as Mark]''': Then came army school. :'''Mark''': When hadn't there been some kind of eye watching over me? Stop tearing yourself apart over a world that doesn't even exist anymore. :'''Servo''': The end! :'''Mark''': Be grateful for this one. Well what's the matter with this place? :'''Crow [as Catherine]''': Dull. :'''Mark''': The walk? Keeps out meanness and hate. :'''Joel''': And entertainment. :'''Mark''': Yeah, even the bomb. :'''Crow''': Whoa, that's heavy. :'''Catherine''': They're walking dead! :'''Mark''': Well, we're not they. We don't eat what they eat. Look, we know what we're doing. :'''Servo [as Mark]''': We're chill. :'''Mark''': We can live out our lives here, Cath, and by ourselves in perfect health and perfect security. :'''Joel [as Mark]''': Thanks to ADT. :'''Mark''': Well what's wrong with that? :'''Catherine''': I... I look up there... and I think to myself... :'''Crow [as Louis Armstrong]''': [[w: What a Wonderful World|What a bubbleful world!]] <hr width=50%/> :''[as Mark walks along the bubble barrier in a daze]'' :'''Servo''': This is what I imagine it feels like to work for Amazon. <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': It finally happened. I'm completely out of things to say! It's like riffing on the same movie over and over and over again! I CAN'T TAKE IT! ''THE BUBBLE'' IS REAL!!! AHHHHH! ''[runs out of the theater]'' :'''Servo and Joel''': Wonder what he wanted. === [[w:The Christmas Dragon|The Christmas Dragon]] === :'''Bonsey''': God help us, everyone. :'''Ardy''': Movie in the ho-ho-hole! <hr width=50%/> :''[Gazared and Boomtall approach Ayden's parents]'' :'''Gazared''': Taxes. :'''Ayden's Mother''': Do you steal from every person you collect, or just us? :'''Gazared''': Are you going to give me the payment, or do you need... persuading? :'''Ayden's Father''': I'm not giving you anything. I shall deliver my payment to Lord Rothford himself. :'''Gazared''': I don't think our lord visits many men in the dungeon. Arrest him! :''[thugs draw swords and approach]'' :'''Crow [as a thug]''': Alright, certified public accountants, let's crunch some numbers! :''[Ayden's Father punches a thug, starting a brief fight]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Wonderful Christmastime|Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime!]] :'''Ayden''': ''[comes out of hiding]'' No! :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': File an extension! :'''Ayden's Father''': ''[stops the fight]'' Alright! Alright. Enough. :'''Emily [as Gazared]''': Really? You were winning. :'''Ayden's Father''': I'll get the money. :'''Crow [as Ayden's Father]''': We can Airbnb our hut. :'''Ayden's Father''': Just don't hurt her. :'''Gazared''': I wouldn't dream of hurting her. Not when I can get such a fair price for another child in the mines. Get them in the wagon! ''[the struggle resumes]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Emily''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': So, now I'm totally confused about Christmas. :'''GPC 2''': Yeah, does this mean Rudolph can breathe fire? :'''Servo''': And how does the magic crystal figure into the nativity story? Ugh, whoever interpreted the Dead Sea Scrolls really dropped the ball on this one. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fin''': Where's Garrett? :'''Servo [as Ayden]''': He decided to leave us and join a family of giraffes with his long neck and all. ''[sobs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Rand baits a hook and tosses it in the river]'' :'''Ayden''': Good idea, Rand. You see? If we all work together, we can make it. :'''Joel [as Ayden]''': But not if we keep throwing all our food in the water. :'''Hoyt''': What do you think you're going to catch? :'''Servo''': Lyme disease. <hr width=50%/> :''[a river monster rams and topples the boat and its occupants]'' :'''Crow, Servo, and Joel''': ''[singing]'' Sim-ply ha-ving a wonderful Christmastime! :'''Crow''': Disney's Jungle Cruise claims another five souls. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': Drinking age, 21. Life expectancy, 16. So unfair. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik beckons for the orphans to keep quiet as they approach a dragon]'' :'''Servo [as Arik/Elmer Fudd]''': Be vewy vewy qwuiet. We don't have a permit to film here. Huhuhuh. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Ayden befriends the dragon]'' :'''Servo''': It's the look of Spielbergian awe you can only get by staring lovingly at a tennis ball taped to a stick on a Toronto sound stage. <hr width=50%/> :'''Ayden''': ''[to the dragon]'' Stay off that wing. :'''Jonah [as the dragon]''': ''[the dragon nods]'' Alright, ''mom''. :'''Ayden''': Even though it's healing fast, no flying. You need your rest. :'''Crow [as Ayden]''': And if DreamWorks lawyers come, we were never here. :'''Saerwen''': Don't worry... :'''Servo [as Saerwen]''': I left money for pizza. :'''Saerwen''': You've created a sacred bond with her. You two will always be able to find one another. :'''Jonah''': Thanks to social media. :''[Arik approaches them]'' :'''Crow''': Third wheel alert. :'''Ayden''': We're going north. Catch up with us when you can. :'''Servo [as the dragon]''': I get it. You guys can't afford to put me in the next couple scenes, can you? <hr width=50%/> :''[as Arik and Saerwen kiss]'' :'''Jonah [as Arik]''': Come on, let's give these kids something to talk to their therapist about. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the dragon is hooked to Father Christmas' sleigh]'' :'''Emily''': Oh man, guys look, they ''sleighed'' the dragon. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's neat. :'''Jonah''': Oh, come on, Emily... <hr width=50%/> :''[as Father Christmas, the dragon, and the orphans dive at Gazared and her thugs]'' :'''Jonah [as Ayden]''': The spirit of the yuletide! Faster, Santa! KILL! KILL! :''[Gazared and the thugs jump into a river]'' :'''Emily [as Father Christmas]''': Eat tinsel, bastards! :'''Joel [as Father Christmas]''': Alright, now let's turn around and finish them off! We'll go after their families, and to all a goodnight! :'''Jonah, Emily, and Joel''': Ho ho ho! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jonah''': It feels like we're moving! :'''Emily''': Well let's make it count boys, let's do the theme song! :'''Jonah''': Which one? There's like 12. :'''Joel''': Uh, I only know the lyrics to Mike's. == Gizmoplex Short of the Month == === Pipeline to the Clouds === === Let's Make a Meal in 20 Minutes! === === Court Case === :'''Narrator''': Tennis is a form of war. A violent thing. :'''Crow''': I thought it was a [[w:Ring of Fire (song)|burning ring]]. :'''Narrator''': And in the middle of it all, the absolute center of attention is this... :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Little shorts. :'''Narrator''': The tennis ball. :'''Crow''': Scientific name: Tennius Ballias. :'''Narrator''': It lives in a hundred-mile-an-hour world. :'''Servo''': Palm Springs? :'''Narrator''': Contact is extreme. Either brutal, or feather-light. :'''Emily''': Like my marriage. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ... so how does a ball get that way? :'''Emily''': Practice. :'''Narrator''': How does such utter reliability come to be? When so many are produced, how can each one be so perfect? :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or so white? :'''Narrator''': The answer comes from machines... :'''Servo and Crow''': Yaaay! :'''Narrator''': ... and people. :'''Servo and Crow''': Booo... :'''Emily''': Oh... :'''Narrator''': ... and a name. ''[the camera focuses on the [[w:Penn Racquet Sports|Penn]] brand]'' A big one. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Penn! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The Phoenix facility with 100,000 plus square feet under roof is one of four such plants. :'''Emily''': Wow. :'''Narrator''': Each all dedicated to one thing... :'''Emily''': Balls! :'''Narrator''': Making the best tennis balls possible, as perfect as can be. Millions of them. :'''Servo''': Millions of balls! :'''Narrator''': The other plants are in Jeannette, Pennsylvania, Jonesboro, Arkansas, and in Mullingar, Ireland. :'''Crow''': ''[Irish accent]'' Ah sure, we like to hit balls back and forth with racquets in Ireland. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Constant checking assures, guarantees, absolute tolerances. Everything must be perfect. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Our nation's security depends on it. :'''Narrator''': Pellets, each identical, are placed in a mold. Many at a time. The mold closes, leaving an exact time and preset temperature to do the job. :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w:Another Brick in the Wall|Just another brick in the wall]]... :'''Narrator''': Minutes later, vastly changed, the former pellets emerge as sort of a blanket, ready for dye cutting to separate the perfect half spheres. :'''Crow''': I'm learning a lot. :'''Narrator''': Variations in wall thickness, weight, and overall dimensions are infinitesimal. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Then we add the honey barbecue sauce. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Another mold, different from the first, handles the second of the three cures. Some on the top, some on the bottom. :'''Servo''': Like a waffle. :'''Narrator''': These molds are pressurized, which enables them to trap air inside the ball centers. That's how the bounce gets in. :'''Emily''': Like [[w:Tigger|Tigger]]. Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Narrator''': Approximately one atmosphere, or about 15 pounds per square inch. Again, time, temperature, and pressure do the work. The seam vulcanizes perfectly. :'''Servo''': This is a lot of work for something your dog will chew on. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': At this stage, the balls are checked for size. Sizing is visual, electronic, and mechanical. A three-way proposition. :'''Emily, Servo, and Crow''': Uhhh... :'''Narrator''': Oversized, and undersized centers are screened and separated to find use as simple play balls, or other activities. ''Not'' tennis. :'''Emily''': I never realized how much tennis has in common with eugenics. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Next, in drums, the balls are tumbled. :'''Emily''': [[w:I'll Tumble 4 Ya|I'll tumble for ya]]... :'''Narrator''': Steam is introduced. Mold marks dissappear. The flat nap is raised and fluffed. :'''Servo''': Now he's just making up words. :'''Crow''': Yeah, right? :'''Narrator''': A lineup for printing, which adds something important. The name. Penn. :'''Crow''': James Penn. :'''Narrator''': A final check, and the balls are inserted in the distinctive can. Penn. Known wherever tennis is played. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Like at Wimbledon or at Pfifer Middle School where you skinned your knee so badly you quit the team, remember, you LITTLE WHINER?! :'''Narrator''': The can, by the way, has a patented snap-off top designed to prevent cut fingers. :''[a handler runs their fingers along the can's edge]'' :'''Emily''': Ow! Ow ow ow... :'''Narrator''': It was introduced by Penn. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': An employee named Penn, who has four fingers now. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a machine rapidly squeezes a tennis ball]'' :'''Emily''': Oh, you two shouldn't be watching this. This is... :''[the camera zooms out to reveal multiple balls getting squeezed in the same way, causing the bots to laugh mischievously]'' :'''Servo''': This is great... it's a free-for-all... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Emily''': When you think balls, think Penn. :'''Crow''': Balls! === Sleep for Health === :'''Servo''': ''[as the title is shown]'' I prefer the second film in the series: ''Sleep for Revenge''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A new baby is an exciting addition to the family... :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': But to keep the balance, someone must go. :'''Martha''': He's always asleep. :'''Joel''': Oh, that's what he ''wants'' you to think. :'''Martha''': When's he ever gonna be any fun? :'''David''': All he ever does is eat and sleep. :'''Servo [as David]''': And watch "Meet the Press." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everybody has habits. ''[a father is shown reading a newspaper with a stern expression]'' Dad likes to read his newspaper every evening in this same chair. :'''Servo [as the father]''': [[w:Garfield|A cat that eats lasagna?!]] <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Getting ready for bed at a regular time is one of the most important habits you can learn. A quiet hour or two before bedtime is part of this habit. It makes you feel relaxed and sleepy, ready for bed. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Easy pickings for an apex predator. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Some people go right to sleep, others take longer. :'''Joel [as Narrator]''': David eases himself to sleep by counting his sins. :'''Crow [as David]''': 239... 240... ah, 241... that was a good one. <hr width=50%/> :''[David is seen flying a plane in a dream that sputters and dies in midair without falling]'' :'''Crow''': You know, if you die in a dream, you die in real life. :'''Joel [as David]''': ''[while David pulls out a big wrench and works on the propeller]'' No! Not like this, not today! I'm only nine! I never even finished that chapter I mentioned earlier! :''[the airplane revs up again]'' :'''Servo''': Eh, still more reliable than flying with [[w:Spirit Airlines|Spirit Airlines]]. :'''Narrator''': Dreams don't seem to make much sense, do they? :'''Crow''': Nope! :'''Narrator''': ''[as David is seen sleeping again]'' That's because the brain is resting along with the body... :'''Joel [as David]''': 432, 433- oh, I did 433 twice. Gotta start over. 1, 2... <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The alarm hasn't rung yet. David finds that he usually wakes up before it goes off. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Which is why you should always get up a full 30 minutes before you awaken. :'''Narrator''': You're never at your best until at least an hour or two afterwards. That's one reason why getting up early is so important. :'''Crow''': Uhhhh... didn't this family used to have a baby? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There's plenty of time for breakfast, too. Breakfast is an important meal that shouldn't be missed. If you usually go to bed early enough, you usually wake up early, too. You can start the day in a pleasant, unhurried way. It's more fun for you that way and more fun for the rest of the family, too. David and Martha enjoy their mornings. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': It's the last daylight they'll see before descending into the mines. :'''Joel''': ''[David and Martha leave the table]'' "Well, gotta run, mom and dad, but this has been pleasant and unhurried." :'''Crow''': Seriously though! This film started with a baby! <hr width=50%/> :''[as the film ends]'' :'''Crow''': Guys, I'm really worried. What happened to the baby?! === The Wonder of Reproduction === :'''Pearl''': It's another one for Emily, and it's called "The Wonder of Reproduction," and as the mother of a mad scientist, I can wholeheartedly tell you it's no wonder that I never did that again. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the title is revealed]'' :'''Crow''': Finally! We get to learn how to forge money. :''[Title card reads "From the Wonder World Series".]'' :'''Emily''': Anyway, here's, uh, Wonderworld. [[w:Wonderwall (song)|Today was gonna be the day that we're gonna reproduce with you...]] <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gary''': Man, oh man, would you look at this one? She sure is beautiful... :'''Crow [as Gary]''': But she doesn't even know I exist! :'''Bob''': Well, this she happens to be a ''he.'' :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Idiot. :'''Bob''': You're looking at the male [[w: Siamese fighting fish|betta splenden]], and he is one of the most beautiful fish you'll probably ever see. As you look closely... :'''Servo [as Bob]''': Just look at that muddy brown. :'''Bob''': ... almost every color of the rainbow, sparkling in his sleek body, and flowing fins as he swims... :'''Crow''': Bob's biting his knuckle right now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Strange as it may seem, in the family of betta splendens, it's the father who cares for the babies, and raises a family. :'''Servo''': A real Mr. Mom. :'''Girl''': Father? What does the mother fish do? :'''Crow [as Bob]''': She drinks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': The father betta will go up to the surface and breathe in a mouthful of air. Then he will swim to the place that he's chosen to build his nest. Now this is usually by a plant, or on the underside of a floating leaf. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': Hopefully by a sport's bar. :'''Bob''': Then he will blow out the bubbles of air, which is coated with very special saliva from his mouth. :'''Servo''': When ''he'' does it, he's a good dad, but when I do it, I'm asked to leave the [[w:Arby's|Arby's]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo [as a fish]''': As I sat in the hole, I couldn't help but wonder. Was this all there was to life under the sea? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bob''': Now, the Creator has given most wild creatures a strong instinct to protect their young, and mother [[w:Egyptian mouthbrooder|mouthbrooder]] performs this task in such a remarkable way. :'''Crow''': Magic! :'''Bob''': Even though she has scooped up all of the eggs into her very large mouth, she will not swallow them. She keeps them in her mouth until they hatch into baby fish. :'''Emily [as Bob]''': And will remind those children of her sacrifice for years to come. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as the three children leave to go catch minnows]'' :'''Bob''': Have fun! :'''Crow''': 'Cause the [[w:Vietnam War|Vietnam War]] is right around the corner! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Servo''': Uncle Bob will return in ''The Wonders of Snake Digestion''! === Cavalcade === :'''Narrator''': This twisted tornado-wracked pile of stem was a microwave radio relay tower... :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Narrator]''': Now, it's garbage. :'''Narrator''': A link in our nation's complex telephone network. Minutes after the tower was felled by a tornado, service was restored by switching calls to alternate routes of the network, but a temporary tower must be erected, and quickly. :'''Pearl''': Before it kills again. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a tower is getting constructed]'' :'''Pearl''': Gentlemen, this is going to be a wild game of Mousetrap. <hr width=50%/> :'''Technician''': ''[adjusting a signal]'' Take it to the left. :'''Dr. Ernhardt''': [[w:Cha Cha Slide|Take it back now, y'all.]] :'''Technician''': Left. Left a little more. :'''Pearl [as Technician]''': My- ''My'' left! :'''Technician''': Easy... Whoa! He's right on frequency! :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as Technician]''': I'm gonna take this energy home and satisfy my wife for a change. :'''Narrator''': Television programs, telephone calls, and data are going through. This one was for practice... :'''Pearl''': And gosh darn was it fun! :'''Narrator''': ... for crews like this, the big task is keeping the nation's communications flowing. :'''Dr. Ernhardt [as another worker]''': Wait, this was ''practice?'' Jeff died today! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Why the upsurge of interest in the heavens? :'''Dr. Erhardt''': Because hell is full. <hr width=50%/> :''[at the title card, "The Paradox of Lead"]'' :'''Dr. Erhardt''': If it's so dangerous, why does it taste so good? <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': The very idea of lead in glass seems contradictory. Nonetheless, this goblet of lead crystal was made in England by George Ravenscroft back in the year 1675. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': He died in 1676. :'''Narrator''': Lead glass today protects against penetrating X-rays. :'''Pearl''': And that pervert, Superman. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this picturesque countryside, farming is the leading occupation. :'''Dr. Erhardt [as Narrator]''': Number two is murder. === Balance Beam for Girls === === Bicycling Visual Skills === :''[as Mr. Mathis and a group of student drivers exit a car]'' :'''Emily [as Mr. Mathis]''': Just act casual, and remember, if anyone asks, we hit a deer. <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Say, I have a new film on safe driving skills that I'm gonna look at in the morning. Would any of you like to look at it? Can you meet me back here at nine o'clock? :'''Karen''': Sure! :'''Mike''': Okay. :'''Mr. Mathis''': Alright. See you in the driver's education room. :'''Ted''': See you later! :'''Karen''': Bye! :'''Servo [as a kid]''': Let's hurry home! [[w:The Purge (2013 film)|The purge]] starts tonight! <hr width=50%/> :''[after Mike runs a stop sign on his bike]'' :'''Ted''': I've got something to tell you that you'll probably see in the film tomorrow, but I think you need to know it now. :'''Servo [as Ted]''': Meryl's still got it. :'''Ted''': Every time you come to a stop sign, you should always use the slow down, or stop hand signal. And then you should look being you to make sure that no cars are coming. Then look to the left, and always when it's a three-way intersection, look straight ahead to the right, to the left again, and then once it's clear, you can... :'''Emily [as Ted]''': Then [[w:Konami Code|up up, down down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start]], and you'll have unlimited bikes! <hr width=50%/> :'''Mr. Mathis''': Karen, could you get the lights for me? :'''Crow [as Karen]''': Get a clapper, old man! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': All vehicle drivers need good visual habits to drive skillfully. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Having eyes in general is a plus. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Everything you can see at one thing is called your field of view. :'''Crow''': Learning! :''[the camera pans to the left, losing focus on the road, and looking at a building with an ITW sign]'' :'''Narrator''': Look what happens to your field of view when you turn your head. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': You can see International Towel World. :'''Narrator''': Every time you switch your line of sight, your entire field of view changes. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Scientists call this, "looking." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Check ahead in the intersection for traffic. Check to the left, and to the right... :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': Then [[w:Cha Cha Slide|cha cha slide]]. :'''Narrator''': Then put your hand back on the handlebar, and check behind again to make sure it's clear before you turn. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': Repeat this process 27 times, then turn the stove on and off 44 times so you ''know'' your mom won't die. <hr width=50%/> :'''Young Baseball Player''': Who do you think's gonna pitch today? I hope it's not McCalvey! :''[as the young baseball player on his bike runs a stop sign, a car honks, resulting in a freeze frame on the boy's surprised face]'' :'''Servo [as the kid]''': Yup, that's me. You're probably wondering how I got here... :''[the next scene shows the player on a street in bandages, about to be put on a stretcher]'' :'''Crow''': Final line, McCalvey went eight innings, gave up two runs on six hits, four walks, and one ceremonial pitch. :'''Emily''': He died how he played baseball: trouble with the curve. :... :'''Servo''': ''[as the ambulance takes the boy away]'' And the moral of the story is, baseball isn't worth it. :'''Paramedic''': Alright, let's move back out of the street. :'''Crow [as paramedic]''': Alright, move along so we can finish this Larry Byrd photo shoot for Pontiac. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Search the ground for changing road surfaces. Your bicycle reacts differently to each one. Loose gravel is slippery. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And pairs well with Merlot. :'''Narrator''': Bricks are bumpy. :'''Emily''': These are the weirdest affirmations. :'''Narrator''': Adjust your speed to each surface to keep your bicycle under control. :'''Servo [as Narrator]''': Unlike that hot Irish temper of yours, Kellen. <hr width=50%/> :''[as the short begins to roll credits to happy music]'' :'''Emily''': ''[singing]'' [[w: Don't You Forget About Me (song)|Don't you... forget about me...]] ''[she [[w:The Breakfast Club|raises a fist]] in the air]'' :'''Crow''': I remember [[w:Jules and Jim|Jules et Jim]] being longer. :'''Emily''': Yeah, Beverly J. Ruff was definitely not three dogs in a trench coat. :'''Servo''': Ironically, I had to unfriend John L. Friend. :'''Crow''': Richard B Long, Jeffrey B. Light, and I be done with this movie. === The Bicycle Driver === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Synthia''': Oh, in the ''Driver'' trilogy, this falls between ''[[w:Baby Driver|Baby]]'' and ''[[w:Taxi Driver|Taxi]]''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Pearl [as adult driver]''': ''[as a group of kids leave a Driver's Education vehicle]'' Okay, this time you kids buy beer for ''me''. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': I've been asked to introduce this film, because I really am the advisor to a junior high bike club, and I really do teach traffic safety education full-time. :'''Mega-Synthia''': Prove it! :'''Driver''': So I see the safety education problem from both viewpoints. :'''Synthia [as the driver]''': I'm conflicted. :'''Driver''': Bicycles and autos can safely share the same road... :'''Pearl [as driver]''': This bloody century long war must end! :'''Driver''': ... must know and follow the same rules of the road, accept the same driving responsibility, and respect each other's rights. That's what this film is all about. :'''Mega-Synthia [as driver]''': That, and corn shucking. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a police officer pulls over a bicycle driver]'' :'''Synthia''': Uh, we got a local yokel smokey in hot-pursuit of a hooligan, hot-doggin' it in Calhoun County. :'''Police Officer''': May I see your operator's license today, sir? :'''Bicycle Driver''': License? Since when do I have to have a license to drive a bicycle? :'''Police Officer''': Well it's not required that you have an operator's license, but I do need some form of identification. :'''Mega-Synthia [as bicyclist]''': My grandkids drew this, and wrote pop-pop on it. Does that work? <hr width=50%/> :''[as a mother and her son shop at a bike store]'' :'''Mother''': Jim, can you guarantee me you're not gonna ride this bike at night? :'''Pearl [as Jim]''': I can't even guarantee you I won't sell this for cigarettes. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Jim sits on numerous bicycles]'' :'''Synthia''': On your birthday, you get to [[w:teabagging|teabag]] every bike in the shop. <hr width=50%/> :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Hey Jim, what are you doing? :'''Jim''': Oh, I'm just going over my hand signals. :'''Synthia''' You'll go blind! <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': During a left turn at rush hour, he takes to the sidewalk, riding if it's legal, pushing if it's not. :'''Pearl''': Ditching it if it cramps his style. <hr width=50%/> :''[as a group of bicyclists ride past a herd of cattle]'' :'''Synthia [as a cow]''': I think one of those bike seats is my brother. <hr width=50%/> :'''Driver''': Jim, our new member is going to recite, what are the rules of the road? :'''Synthia [as Jim]''': Kill, or be killed. :'''Jim''': To maintain a safe and orderly flow of traffic on our roads. :'''Girl Bicyclist''': Why should you follow the rules of the road? :'''Jim''': Because if I don't, I can't expect anybody else to. :'''Driver''': Oh, you mean we ''always'' follow the rules of the road? :'''Bicyclists''': We try, but it isn't easy! :'''Pearl, Synthia, and Mega-Synthia''': And when it's too hard, we give up! === Let's Keep Food Safe to Eat === :''[as the title is shown]'' :'''Servo''': Yes, keep guns away from food. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': While Steve washes his hands, Cathy will get the silverware. Oops! She dropped a spoon. :'''Servo''': Oops! She's fired. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': ''[as the family gathers around the breakfast table]'' Now, Steve is ready for breakfast, and father too. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Back from his other family. :'''Narrator''': Father is also careful about the food he eats. The sausage looks good... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': But the eggs look worse. :'''Narrator''': ''[as the father takes a bite of the sausage, but grimaces]'' But it doesn't taste right. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And Cathy's missing three fingers! :'''Narrator''': So, he won't eat anymore of the sausage, it may be spoiled. :'''Crow''': Right, Cathy? :'''Narrator''': Often we can tell if foods are good to eat by smelling or tasting them. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Or simply by asking them. :'''Narrator''': You should never eat food if you're not sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Mother]''': Cathy, did you wash your fingers ''before'' we cooked them? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Washing dishes also helps us keep our food fresh and clean. To find out why, let's do an experiment with some leftover food on a plate. What do you suppose will happen if the food is not washed off? :'''Servo''': It will get tattoos, and listen to punk music. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The best way to get dirt and germs off your hands is to wash and scrub them well. :'''Crow''': Preferably, 'til bloody. :'''Narrator''': Use lots of soap, and get in between the fingers, on the back of the hands, and on the wrists too. Get them clean all over. :'''Servo''': Where have those wrists been? :'''Emily''': You don't wanna know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as a covered sliced cake is shown]'' :'''Servo''': It's quarantined [[w:Pac-Man|Pac-Man]]! :''[a knife starts to cut another slice of the cake]'' :'''Emily''': No, Pac-Man! ''[Imitates the Pac-Man death sound]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Using straws sealed in paper wrappers helps to keep dirt and germs out of milk. :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': Plus, it'll kill all four turtles. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sally has a sandwich from yesterday. :'''Servo [as Sally]''': See? No funny business. :'''Narrator''': Cathy would love it, but if it's been out of the refrigerator for so long, it may be spoiled. ''[Cathy declines the sandwich]'' That's right, Cathy. Don't eat things if you don't know for sure they are safe. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': Say no to leftovers. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Suppose you drop a cookie on the floor. :'''Servo''': Five second rule? :'''Narrator''': Things that are dropped, you know, should be washed before eating, but how can you wash a cookie? :'''Emily''': That's what spit's for! :'''Narrator''': Well, he'll just have to throw it out. :'''Crow''': And burn the evidence. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crow''': Alright everyone, smoke 'em of you got 'em. In the next film, we cover tick bites. === [[w:Mr. B Natural|Mr. B. Natural]] (2023) === :'''Max''' Ugh, Mr. B Natural. There's no way out, Kinga! We can't control when the movies begin or end! :'''Kinga''': Uh, well... j- just sit down. Maybe it won't be so bad. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Phil Patton's directing credit is shown]'' :'''Kinga''': Phil Patton, you magnificent bastard, I read your book! :'''Max''': I just love the name Patton. So strong and... and viral! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Mr. B Natural, at your service. The spirit of music, that's me! The spirit of fun in music. And I've been around an awful long time. Knew your father, I did. And your grandmother. And don't be too sure I wasn't in the garden with Mr. and Mrs. Adam. :'''Kinga''': She's the devil? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Why, you should know me. The spirit of music's inside all of you. In you... :'''Max''': Peaches. :'''Mr. B Natural''': In you... :'''Kinga''': Herb... :'''Mr. B Natural''': In all of you! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Where your soul used to be! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': I usually hang around on this music staff, but when I get a message for help, I go off to appear before people! Especially young people, when I think I can do 'em some good. :'''Max''': Uh oh, hold on... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jeanie''': Honest, these records are the greatest. :'''Kinga [as Jeanie]''': What's [[w:N.W.A.|N.W.A.]] mean? <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural appears out of Buzz Turner's locker]'' :'''Max''': You can't be within a thousand feet of a school, Mr. B Natural! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz Turner''': Mr. B what? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Natural! Shouldn't be surprised, boy. Whether you know it, or not, you sent for me. When you reached for that music over there to make you feel better, I got your message. You awakened me! :'''Max''': Damn! :'''Buzz Turner''': You mean you've been hiding here in my room all that time, and I never even noticed? :'''Mr. B Natural''': No boy, I don't mean that! I mean, you awaken the spirit of music inside you! That's me! Your spirit of music! That's my name, boy! B Natural! :'''Kinga''': This is so complicated. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': Look here, I've been visiting an eight-year-old friend of mine who woke me up recently. :'''Kinga''': Huh? :'''Mr. B Natural''': Talked him into playing the French horn, I did. You should hear him! ''[imitates a French horn and laughs]'' :'''Max''': Oh, watch your back, [[w: Reggie Watts|Reggie Watts]]. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Because he wanted to. He wanted the fun of it. That's why he can play that piece so easy! Wait 'til he grows up and finds out how hard it is. ''[laughs]'' :'''Kinga [as Mr. B Natural]''': Ha ha ha, then he'll die! :'''Mr. B Natural''': It's because he's young. He's not afraid. :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': He's foolish! Hee hee hee ha ha! <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Mr. B Natural does a "dignified" march to a French horn tune]'' :'''Kinga''': Nothing sparks self esteem like a North Korean military march. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. B Natural''': You like music? :'''Buzz Turner''': Sure sounds like fun, and I'd like to have some of it too! :'''Max [as Mr. B Natural]''': Yeah, first taste is free, kid. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': Years of know-how make the best instrument. If that craftsman stops spinning that sousaphone bell for a second... :'''Kinga [as salesman]''': He receives an electric shock. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Salesman''': The best instruments are uniform. Every one is exactly like every other of the same kind. :'''Max [as salesman]''': Like white people in the suburbs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz receives his trumpet]'' :'''Max [as Buzz]''': I'm gonna join [[w:Reel Big Fish|Reel Big Fish]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[as Buzz takes a trumpet solo at the dance]'' :'''Kinga''': Hey [[w: Dizzy Gillespie|Dizzy]], it's your cousin, Marvin. Marvin Gillespie? [[w: Back to the Future (film)|You know that new sound you been looking for? Well listen to this!]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mr. B Natural flashes the okay sign]'' :'''Kinga and Max''': It stinks! === Better Breakfasts, U.S.A. === :'''Narrator''': Every television show begins with a title. Often, it's a card on an easel. :'''Emily''': Whoa! Don't give away all the secrets! :'''Narrator''': ... in the studio well before airtime, and each area is set up for the camera so that the program can proceed smoothly. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ''[shot five cards on screen]'' They are beige to show off on your glorious color TV. :'''Narrator''': ... in this table of grain samples, since our Better Breakfast story begins with cereal grains. :'''Crow [as Narrator]''': And ends with malt liquor. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Today's wide variety of ready to eat and hot breakfast cereals is made from these great grains. :'''Emily''': I mean, they're fine... :'''Narrator''': Barley... :'''Servo''': ''Barely.'' :'''Narrator''': Corn... :'''Crow''': Which is better on the cob. :'''Narrator''': Oats... :'''Emily''': Worthless without [[w:Hall & Oates|Hall]]. :'''Narrator''': Rice... :'''Servo''': The pigeon exploder. :'''Narrator''': And wheat, or combinations of them. :'''Crow''': Call me when you got sorghum. :'''Narrator''': The United States Department of Agriculture says cereal breakfast products are an important food use of the grains we grow. :'''Emily [as Narrator]''': And it's ''not'' a conflict of interest at all. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': There are many different kinds of wheat... :'''Crow''': Corn wheat, barley wheat, rice wheat... :'''Narrator''': And it is raised in a wide area. :'''Emily''': Eat too much wheat, and you'll ''have'' a wide area. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Cereals are flaked... :'''Emily''': Folded... :'''Narrator''': Granulated... :'''Servo''': Spindled... :'''Narrator''': Puffed... :'''Crow''': Mutilated... :'''Narrator''': Shredded... :'''Emily''': Humiliated... :'''Narrator''': And rolled. :'''Servo''': And thrown away! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Whole grain, enriched or restored breakfast cereals are included in one of the four main food groups recommended by government nutrition experts in a daily food guide. :'''Servo''': Government can't tell me not to eat batteries! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Well, that's our health and nutrition television program, ''Better Breakfasts, USA''. :'''Crow''': It was immediately canceled. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': No Black History Month, but they learned about grain. === Doing Things for Ourselves in School === == Specials == === Mystery Science Theater Hour Host Segments === ==== Cave Dwellers ==== ==== Gamera ==== ==== Pod People ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, often people stop me on the street and they ask, "What's it really like? This world of Deep 13?" Well, rather than go on and on, taking advantage of my privileged position as confidant to these two enigmatic dilettantes, I ask simply in return, "Have you seen ''Pod People''?" And now you'll be able to say "Yes, I have seen ''Pod People''." From plotting, to characterization, to cinematography, not to mention the unbelievable use of fog and syntho-rock, this is what you can expect from Deep 13 and the Mystery Science Theater Hour. Enjoy. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''Pod People'' was made right on the heels of that enchanting blockbuster, ''[[w:E.T. the Extraterrestrial|E.T.]]'', which grossed over half a billion dollars worldwide. ''Pod People'' didn't do nearly as well, in fact it didn't even do nearly as well as ''[[w:Mac and Me|Mac and Me]]''. Oh well. ==== Time of the Apes ==== ==== Daddy-O ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Today's movie is called ''Daddy-O'', a real gem, starring singer [[w:Dick Contino|Dick Contino]], who is still packing them in in Las Vegas. As aged as this film is, it still looks surprisingly "hip" or "modern" — a strong testament to the care that went into every frame. I'm afraid some of the hipper lingo is lost on these aging ears, but no matter. I'm betting Crow, Servo, Gypsy, and Joel can take the heat of ''Daddy-O''. So turn it all the way up to eleven, and let's rock this mother! <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, I can't help but admit a certain fondness for the swinging happy days. It takes me back my tattered leather jacket and pompadour. I eagerly and frequently traded knuckle sandwiches with the best minds of my generation. I, too, howled. ''Awoo!'' ==== The Amazing Colossal Man ==== ==== Fugitive Alien ==== ==== It Conquered the World ==== ==== Gamera vs. Guiron ==== ==== Earth vs. the Spider ==== ==== Viking Women vs. the Sea Serpent ==== ==== War of the Colossal Beast ==== ==== The Unearthly ==== ==== Santa Claus Conquers the Martians ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Christmas depresses millions, but I must admit, I sky during the holidays, and when I see some slump-shouldered gloomy-gus walking forlornly through the festooned mall area of my home town, I wanna shake him and shout, "Suck it up! What have you got to be sorry for?!" ... but I resist. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Did you know the delightful "Hooray for Santa Claus" theme song was released as a single? And that ''Santa Claus Conquers'' was also released as a [[w:Dell Comics|Dell comic book]]? Well, as those charming stand-up comedians say, "Give me more of that!" ==== Space Travelers ==== ==== The Giant Gila Monster ==== ==== Teenagers from Outer Space ==== ==== Hercules Unchained ==== ==== Hercules Against the Moon Men ==== ==== The Magic Sword ==== ==== Tormented ==== ==== The Beatniks ==== ==== Crash of Moons ==== ==== Attack of the the Eye Creatures ==== ==== The Human Duplicators ==== ==== The Day the Earth Froze ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[holding a fairytale book]'' Hello, dear friends. I was just reading a delightful Swedish fairytale based, oddly enough on the supergroup, [[w:ABBA|ABBA]]. Hmm... <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Welcome back, dear viewers, to the conclusion of ''The Day the Earth Froze'' on the Mystery Science Theater Hour. I can't wait to get started, but first let's take a look at what happened in part one. The beautiful ornithologist Annikki is wooed by Übermensch Lemminkäinen, ace log rider. Meanwhile, the evil witch of the mountain kidnapped Annikki to coerce Annikki's brother into making a Sampo, a coveted, yet delightfully vague prize. Annikki's brother and Lemminkäinen rush to rescue the maiden. I can't wait to get started, I confess, I'm rather taken by that ''fetching'' Swedish hotcake of a witch. ''[laughs]'' Part two of ''The Day the Earth Froze''. ''Grrr!'' ==== Manos: The Hands of Fate ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[imitating Torgo]'' "The Master is always here." "The Master will not like it." ''[laughs]'' Boy, that Master's got a lot to learn about the hospitality business, doesn't he? I mean that is a ''weird'' hotel! By the by, manos is actually Spanish for "hands," so today's film is Hands: the Hands of Fate. Isn't that sneaky? <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': I hate to say it, but there was one thing about this movie that to me, didn't make much sense. That father seemed like an intelligent fellow, but ''my gosh'' he did a terrible job planning that vacation! One hard lesson I've learned is that you've got to plan every step of every day, and that only goes double when you're traveling! It just makes my skin crawl to see a vacation ruined by bad planning! So if you can, join us next time on the Mystery Science Theater Hour, but ''please'' be careful. ==== Secret Agent Super Dragon ==== ==== The Magic Voyage of Sinbad ==== :'''Jack Perkins''': Now I must warn you, the Sinbad in today's film is not quite the swarthy adventurer of yore, he resembles my Uncle Phil — A slim whiskery fellow who manages a tobacco store. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[juggling and wearing a clown headdress]'' Bonswa, dear friends. I, too, dreamed of the circus as an escape from my stifling home life. I still grow nostalgic at the smell of grease paint, and elephant hair, and... oh I do so long to punch a clown. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey, regarding the catfish we saw nuzzling Poseidon, isn't the catfish a freshwater creature? By the way, if you're looking for a great catfish bait, take a big gob of liver sausage and mix it all up with a couple of dozen of those big juicy nightcrawlers. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by the results. ==== I Accuse My Parents ==== === Turkey Day '91 === :'''Crow''': Hi, you're watching Turkey Day, here on Comedy Central. Turkey fact number 12: if you leave turkeys out in the rain, they'll drown. Stupid jerks. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester watches the Thanksgiving Day Parade]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Well, I'm glad to see you're finally focusing on something besides ruining people's Thanksgivings. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, yeah, right. :'''TV's Frank''': So, how's the parade going? What did I miss? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, you missed that crappy caterpillar they repaint every year, the quick bunny balloon, and about 2000 of the worst clowns I've ever seen. :'''TV's Frank''': Look, it's the Underdog balloon! Oh, this is great! He's my favorite! You know, this is starting to really feel like Thanksgiving! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes it is. ''[pushes a button on a remote detonator, causing an explosion]'' Die, boy, die! :'''TV's Frank''': [[w:Hindenburg disaster|Oh my God I don't believe it- oh this is awful! Oh- falling down in a terrible- oh it's the worst thing of- OH THE HUMANITY!!!]] ''[sobbing]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Slight the turkey, Frank. He must die, so that we may live. <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, kiddies, I'm sorry, but I'm going to be pulling the plug on your all-too-precious Thanksgiving. We won't be watching ''E.T.'' Instead, we're going to be watching this crumby Czechoslovakian ripoff called ''Pod People.'' :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on. I thought we were going to have the TV off after dinner. :'''Jack Perkins''': If anyone's interested, I'm going to be reading from [[w:Dylan Thomas|Dylan Thomas's]] enchanting work titled ''[[w:A Child's Christmas in Wales|A Child's Christmas in Wales]].'' :'''TV's Frank''': Ooh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, I don't think so, Jack. I wouldn't call that good TV. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, that cuts it! If anyone's interested, Jack is going to be doing his reading in the kitchen. Come on. ''[everyone else leaves the room]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Well, at least you and I can watch this together. If you're wondering in your family whether to watch my show, ''Mystery Science Theater 3000'', or ''E.T.: the Extraterrestrial'', make things go your way and spoil things for your friends and family by telling them at the end of the movie, E.T. goes home. Ball's in your court, Spielberg! Oh and by the way, I'm dating Amy Irving, and she's hot. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': ''[drunk and wandering over to the camera]'' Hello, Linda Ellerbee, if you are out there, I've got something to say to you. Isn't it ironic that I'm pulling out about six figures a year in my cushy cable job, while you're out there peddling Maxwell House co- ''[Forrester shocks him with a cattle prod]'' AAAGH! :'''TV's Frank''': Heh... he's a bit into the Harvey's Bristol Cream. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, get rid of him, or I will. <hr width=50%/> :'''TV's Frank''': So, how'd the experiment go? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Fine, Frank. Just fine. :'''TV's Frank''': You were sorely missed. Everyone at Thanksgiving dinner asked for you. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I was right here. I don't understand it, after beaming 26 straight hours of our Turkey Day marathon across the country, Atlanta should be burning by now. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[sighs]'' It was the greatest dinner party I have ever given. Even grander than last April's hat party. Hmm. What did you think? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Frank, I'm a scientist. I don't have time to think. :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, someone's over-tired. Why don't you put your stuff away and get some sleep, Steve? :'''Dr. Forrester''': I just don't know, I don't know what I did! :'''TV's Frank''': Look, you didn't get much to eat. Here, I made you a snack. ''[offers an apple]'' Want some? :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[slaps the apple away]'' I don't have time for a snack, I- Frank, THAT'S IT! ''Daddy-O''! YES! FRANK, YOU'RE BRILLIANT, I COULD KISS- right! ''Daddy-O''! <hr width=50%/> :''[Dr. Forrester sits downtrodden after the marathon concludes]'' :'''TV's Frank''': Come on, Papa, eat. :'''Dr. Forrester''': I failed, Frank. How hard could it be to take over the world? Piece of cake, right? :'''TV's Frank''': Oh, come on, don't be so hard on yourself. You just did a 30 hour marathon of your most diabolical experiments ever, I mean not just any stiff could pull that off. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, you're the trooper here. You put on that great spread, and the place looked great, and you looked great, and... I just wanna tell you Frank, I really admire you. :'''TV's Frank''': Thanks Steve. Takes a big man to admit that. :'''Dr. Forrester''': No, Frank, I mean it. You're a real booster. You know, I think I'll have a piece of that pumpkin pie. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' Well I... used that on my sandwich- don't have any left... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, no matter. Minced meat it is, then. :'''TV's Frank''': ''[nervously chuckling]'' ... added to a shake... not any left... I didn't... :'''Dr. Forrester''': Start running, Frank. :'''TV's Frank''': Yes sir. === Turkey Day '92 === :'''Crow''': If you're taping, this is a good time to pause! <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Beats the hell out of mincemeat, don't it? <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': It's the "Lost Continent" on Turkey Day Marathon here at Comedy Central. It's getting late, you may want a blanket and a nice cup of cocoa. <hr width=50%/> :'''Servo''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. Now might be a good time to check on your mom. <hr width=50%/> :'''Gypsy''': You're watching Turkey Day at Comedy Central. You know, cleaning up isn't just a girl's job! === The Dead Talk Back/Comedy Central Broadcast's Zombie Nightmare Promo === :'''Gypsy''': I've been asked my colleagues Crow. T Robot, Tom Servo, and Mike to let you know that this week on Mystery Science Theater 300 at 7:00 PM at Comedy Central on Saturday, our movie will be "Zombie Nightmare". That's 7 PM on Comedy Central this Saturday. === Turkey Day '95 === :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, greetings, you unfortunate total losers. I'm Dr. Clayton Forrester, it's Thanksgiving, and once again, I shall soon be ruling the world. As you cling to one another, weeping in desperation, you may ask, "Why now? Why me?" Because my mother's coming over in a few hours, and I'd like to be ruling the world by the time she gets here. ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh no! Mother! She's early! Oh, what do I do?! I'm not ruling the world! ''[answers the door]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Hello, and warm Thanksgivings greetings, Dr. Clayton Forrester. :'''Dr. Forrester''': PERKINS?! What the hell are you doing here, you pedantic, leathery old-?! :'''Jack Perkins''': Now Clay, come, I come bearing an invitation from Television's own Frank, done in a tasteful, yet not too formal bookman old style font on a ''crisp'' and ''elegant'' eggshell- :'''Dr. Forrester''': Would you just give me this?! ''[takes the invitation away]'' "Please join Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank... THANKSGIVING DINNER?!" '''FRAAAAAAAANK!!!!!''' ''[begins sobbing]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, this is going to be fun. Say, I brought a tangy Mexican three-layer dip. I hope there's enough for everyone. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Everyone? There's more??? Oh, son of a- Perkins, my mother will be here in just a few hours. I don't even know what I have in the kitchen. Maybe some Ramen noodles... :'''Jack Perkins''': Oh, now Clay, that'll never do for Mother Forrester, let alone the rest of the guests. I'll tell you what let's do. Why don't you nip to the store with this list, prepared for me by [[w:Burt Wolf|Burt Wolf]], just about the ''finest'' shopping list I've ever seen, and I'll stay here and take care of things here. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh huh, good, good. I'll just nip down to [[w:Piggly Wiggly|Piggly Wiggly]], and get the stuff on the- oh be a dear, Jack and send them the movie? :'''Jack Perkins''': Why of course. ''[Dr. Forrester runs off]'' Hello, and welcome to the first movie in this our Turkey Day marathon. This one is a fun hunk of cinematic sludge that I like to think of as one of the finest-''[Forrester runs back and gives him a card to read from before running off again]'' Thank you. "You brainless monkeys, I will make you bow down before me. One day, you will all be before me prostrate, quaking, naked and frayed, and I... will show you the meaning of loss. ''[laughs]'' So that I might quickly dominate you, this year I've selected a fast-acting episode from the first year of my experiment, ''The Crawling Hand''- Ahhh! Enjoy." <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': ''[with an armful of groceries]'' Perkins! Jack? They didn't have those shiitake mushrooms, so I got canned mushrooms, and I didn't know what that basmati rice was, so I got Uncle Ben. ''[Mr. B Natural suddenly appears]'' Ah! Who are you what are you doing here what do you want with me?! :'''Mr. B Natural''': I'm Mr. B Natural, and I embody the spirit of music in you and you! Knew your father, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Is it money you want? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, I see you got Frank's invitation! :'''Mr. B Natural''': Brought a Mexican three-layer dip, I did! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, look you two, I am really trying to rule the world before my mother gets here so if you could just- oh just make yourself at home. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Well that will make me feel like a happy king! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh boy... <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, hello again, America, and welcome to the third installment of my MST marathon. By the end of the day- you see, my mother is coming, and I promised her that I will RULE THE WORLD! AH HA HA HA HA- :'''Jack Perkins''': Dr. Forrester, taste some of my cornbread stuffing, a recipe given me by the great [[w:Jacques Pépin|Jacques Pépin]] as we were mushrooming and- ''[is pushed offscreen by Dr. Forrester]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Unfortunately, I've also got to deal with some weird guests that Frank invited before he was subsumed up into heaven whenever the hell that was. So if we're all very lucky, cross our fingers, we won't have anymore uninvited guests. ''[Pitch suddenly appears]'' :'''Pitch''': Hi! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, go away! :'''Pitch''': Oh, but I brought a Mexican three-layer dip, heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put it on the bed, I've got important things- :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[suddenly appearing]'' Hi! Would you like to be a happy king? :'''Jack Perkins''': Ah, Mr. B Natural, allow me to introduce Satan, Pitch, Scratch, Beelzebub, ruler of the domain of never-ending darkness, old gooseberry. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Great! I'm trying to rule the world before my mother gets here, and I've got Satan, I've got some androgynous man-woman, and I've got Peter Graves Jr. in my house! :'''Jack Perkins''': Hey! :'''Dr. Forrester''': A joke, Perkins. A joke. <hr width=50%/> :'''Jack Perkins''': You know, Satan, I am pleased to meet you. [[w:Sympathy for the Devil|Won't you guess my name?]] ''[he and Pitch laugh]'' But what's puzzling me... :'''Pitch''': The nature of my game! Heh heh heh! :'''Dr. Forrester''': Look you two, I don't care if Frank did invite you for Thanksgiving, I gotta control the world before my mother gets here or we are all in so much trouble! ''[the doorbell rings]'' Oh great, now who's this? Another freak for the pile?! ''[answers the door]'' And you would be... :'''Kitten with the Whip''': ''[enters holding a litterbox]'' Uh, Kitten with the Whip. I brought this... ''[coughs up a hairball]'' For you. And where should I put this? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh, just put that in the bathroom, and don't spray anything! My mom's coming over. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Hey, it's not like I'm in heat! ''[Mr. B Natural walks by]'' Although I uh... could be persuaded. :'''Dr. Forrester''': She's a guy. :'''Kitten with the Whip''': Aw... <hr width=50%/> :''[as a heavily intoxicated Jack Perkins and Mr. B Natural talk]'' :'''Jack Perkins''': I like you. You're funny. :'''Mr. B Natural''': Yep, Well um, I'm gonna go and do that thing I was- :'''Jack Perkins''': Mr. B Natural, ''God'' I can't believe you're a guy. :'''Mr. B Natural''': ''[nervously]'' Yep! Every bit of me, all man! :'''Jack Perkins''': Well then, so be it! I guess I'm just gonna have to trust my instincts on this one. Sir, allow me to kiss you. ''[kisses Mr. B Natural, much to the other's horror]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[as Dr. Forrester distributes beer to the guests while they swing a song Jack Perkins plays on the piano]'' :'''Dr. Forrester''': Boy that Perkins is really hot, huh? Eh, mom? MOTHER! Uh you're here- :'''Pearl''': Where's Frank? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, Frank is not here, mother. :'''Pearl''': Not here, Clayton? Oh good one, Clayton, I come all this way to s- Say... ''[fixes her hair]'' Jack has never looked better. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Happy Thanksgiving, mother. :'''Pearl''': Yeah, sure. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Uh, you're just in time to see me take over the entire world, mom. :'''Pearl''': That's nice, dear. Say, who's the red-hooved one down there at the end? The cloven one, it is him! ''[pushes past Dr. Forrester]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Dr. Forrester''': Ah, you're here. Listen, I need you to snap-to. My mom's here and I promised to take over the world before pie is served. So uh... help me out, and I won't destroy you. :'''Mike''': We'llllll think about it. Hey, it looks like you got a regular Playboy After Dark shindig going on there. :'''Dr. Forrester''': Yes, it's Frank. He invited them last April. Even in the afterlife, he mocks me. :'''Pearl''': So what is this, ''[[w:Star Trek: Voyager|Star Trek: Voyager]]'' or something? :'''Dr. Forrester''': Oh no no, mother, this is my experiment. Remember when I shot a- :'''Pearl''': Art? Is that you? :'''Crow''': Why Pearl, how good to see you! :'''Pearl''': Oh, Art, you rogue, it has been so long. :'''Crow''': Ah, you're looking radiant, Pearl. Ten years younger since the scars were sanded off! :'''Pearl''': Oh, you charmer, you! So, you work with my spawn. :'''Crow''': Yup. Pretty much run the place. ''[Servo clears his throat]'' Oh, these are the guys who work for me. === MST3K Little Gold Statue Preview Special === :''[a clip is shown from [[Forrest Gump]] ]'' :'''Forrest's Mother''': Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get! :''[cut back to Servo & Crow]'' :'''Servo''': ''[dripping with sarcasm]'' Oh, ''"Life is a like box of chocolates"''? Well I got a ''better'' analogy! "Life is like a '''''crap sandwich'''''! The more ''bread'' you got, the less ''crap'' you gotta take!" '''''Sheesh!''''' === MST3K 1st Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === '''Crow''': Mike, stop yellin' and shootin' and killin', you woke me up. ==== The Fifth Element ==== :'''Crow''': ''[not understanding]'' Oh, the fifth element! Maybe it's a movie about [[w:Boron|boron]]? :'''Tom''': Oh I don't know, I only look at that chart ''[[w:Periodic table|periodically]]''! He he! ==== The Lost World: Jurassic Park ==== :'''Mike''': So what's the story in this movie? :'''Crow''': Mike, the real story is the signature [[w:Steven Spielberg|Steven Spielberg]] "Scenes of people looking". Let's watch. :'''Tom''': ''[Excited]'' Oh I know I will! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Roland Tembo strides through the jungle.]'' :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': [[w:Pete Postlethwaite|Pete Postlethwaite]] in shorts? This movie is for the ladies! === MST3K 2nd Annual Summer Blockbuster Review === :'''Crow''': Our first movie is based on a [[w:The X-Files|television show]], which is a [[w:Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie|ridiculous notion to begin with]]. ==== X-Files: Fight the Future ==== :''[In a field, Scully watches Mulder pull up some sod.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Here, Agent Mulder is on the trail of [[w:Cigarette-Smoking Man|Sod-Laying Man]]! :'''Mulder''': Ground's dry about an inch down. This was laid recently. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Mulder]''': …unlike me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kid on Bike''': You're not FBI agents! :'''Mulder''': How do ''you'' know? :'''Kid on Bike''': 'Cause y'all look like door-to-door salesmen. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Mulder]''': Yeah, well, you look like [[w:Howdy Doody|Howdy Doody]] with a headcold. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mulder''': Was it the same "they" who gave you those bikes? :'''Crow''': No, It was Bike-Gifting Man. ==== Ever After ==== :'''Baroness De Ghent''': We mustn't go around feeling sorry for ourselves! No matter how bad things get, they can always get worse! :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': The First [[w:Lutheran|Lutheran]]! : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': Your features are so… masculine. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as De Ghent]''': You look like [[w:Pat Summerall|Pat Summerall]]. : . . . :'''Baroness De Ghent''': No wonder you're built for hard labour. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as De Ghent]''': You'll be giving birth to [[w:Paul Prudhomme|Paul Prudhomme]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Danielle de Barbarac makes a grand entrance to the ball, her face dusted with white greasepaint and sparkles.]'' :'''Mike [as Danielle]''': I sneezed in my cocaine. ==== Halloween: H2O ==== :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]]''': Welcome back to the ''MST3K Blockbuster Review'', featuring the summer movies, that, thanks to an amendment tacked onto last year's highway bill, we're all required to see. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Um-hmm. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]]''': Our next one is the Jamie Lee Curtis thriller, ''Halloween Water'', which… I think is about a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing. ==== The Truman Show ==== :''[Truman is talking to Lauren.]'' :'''Truman''': Would you wanna— :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Lauren]''': No. :'''Truman''': Maybe possibly— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Sometime— :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': No! :'''Truman''': Go out for some pizza or something, like… Friday? :'''Mike [as Lauren]''': Well, oka— ''no''! :'''Lauren''': Yeah… I can't. :'''Truman''': Saturday? :'''Lauren''': I can't. :'''Truman''': Sunday-Monday-Tuesday? :''[She scrbbles "NOW" on a notepad.]'' :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]] [as Lauren]''': N-O! Th-the W is silent. ==== Saving Private Ryan ==== :'''Corporal Upham''': It's just that I've never— I haven't held a weapon since basic training, sir. :'''Captain Miller''': Did you ''fire'' the weapon in basic training? :'''Corporal Upham''': Yes, sir. :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Upham]''': But I shot my sergeant. ==== Godzilla (1998) ==== :'''Crow''': Um, folks? We'd ''like'' to show you clips of one of the crappier big movies of the summer, but we'd get sued. Yes, we'd get sued for showing you clips of ''G''[bleep]''a''. Even ''saying'' ''Go''[bleep]''la'' will get the bejeezus sued out of you. So I made my own giant lizard film to offer as my alternative to ''God''[bleep]. Enjoy. Won't us? :''[Poorly made title screen for "Goshzilla" appears followed by what's clearly Crow under a table ramming an iguana doll into cardboard cutout buildings and plastic pedestrians, while making growling noises]'' :'''Crow''': There! And it's [[w:Matthew Broderick|Matthew Broderick]] free! Oh, and Mike paid a quarter to see it, so it's already made more of a profit than [bleep]''zilla''." === MST3K Academy of Robots Choice Awards Preview Special === ==== As Good As It Gets ==== :''[Melvin (Jack Nicholson) introduces Carol (Helen Hunt) to Simon (Greg Kinnear)]'' :'''Melvin''': Carol the Waitress, Simon the ''[audio cuts out]'' :'''Servo''': Huh? Why did they blank out "former host of ''Talk Soup''"? ==== Good Will Hunting ==== :'''Sean''': Because you know what? I can't learn anything from you I can't read in some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! :'''Crow''': Oh! I've read some ''[audio cuts out]''in' book! === Assignment: Venezuela (short) === ::''NOTE: This short was never aired, but it is available on DVD as part of Volume 7.'' :''[On title screen]'' :'''Mike:''' I want Venezuela on my desk by Friday morning! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Narrator Jim is being driven through Maracaibo by his coworker, Ray.]'' :'''Narrator''': The first thing that surprised me on that ride was th— :''[The film skips while the camera is focused on the same shot, giving the impression they disappeared. Jim, Ray and the car reappear elsewhere as the scene changes.]'' :'''[[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike]] [as Jim]''': Was being sucked through a time portal. : . . . :''[They pass a building with a huge sign: ''GRAN VENTA ESPECIAL''.]'' :'''Narrator''': I almost felt I hadn't left home, when we passed a big Sears-Roebuck store. :'''[[w:Tom Servo|Servo]]''': Ah-heh! 'Cause it's called "Gran Venta" at home, too! :'''Narrator''': Another familiar site was a used car lot, full of American autos. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I dropped my pants and bent over a car, just to feel at home! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim and Ray are on a ferry on Lake Maracaibo.]'' :'''Jim''': Lake Maracaibo seemed narrow here. But it's actually 60 miles wide at one point, and 120 miles long. :'''Servo [as Jim]''': I felt like a complete ass mistaking it as narrow. :'''Crow [as Jim]''': I've taken this opportunity to reassess my views on ''all'' inland bodies of water. :. . . :''[Soon, Jim and Ray are back on the road.]'' :'''Mike [as Jim]''': I wanted nothing more than to throw myself on my hotel bed and cry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': Sure, it's a different country, and I'm a foreigner here. But the Venezuelans have already made me feel welcome. All I have to do ''now'' is lick that language problem. :'''[[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow]] [as Narrator]''': … and Escobar here. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is being shown around a prospective house. The wife gives him the tour.]'' :'''Crow [as Wife]''': I know I shouldn't complain, but he's never home. He's got another wife and it's called "petroleum!" <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jim is shown around his future [[w:Quonset hut|Quonset-hut]] home by the present husband and wife occupants.]'' :'''Servo [as Wife]''': ''[in white-trash accent]'' The water works about an hour a day. I'd boil the hell out of it if I were you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': The idea of this community integration project is to make people independent, instead of having to look to the company for everything. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': It's called ''[[w:Vietnam War#Vietnamization, 1969–1972|Venezuelalization]].'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Narrator''': I've also seen some of the historic spots of Caracas, like Plaza Bolivar, the old Spanish square, with the statue to [[w:Simón Bolívar|the Liberator]], who led six South American nations to freedom. :'''Mike [as Narrator]''': I think it was [[w:Zorro|Zorro]] or something. === MST3K Live Social Distancing Riff-Along Special (2020) === ==== Moon Zero Two ==== ==== Circus Day (Short) ==== :'''Clown''': Welcome to clown alley... :'''GPC 2 [as the clown]''': Give me your wallet! :'''Clown''': This is where I get ready for the big show. :'''Servo [as the clown]''': That's what I call your nightmares. The big show. === Turkey Day 2020 === ==== Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket (short) ==== :'''Servo''': Behind the Scenes at the Supermarket: the story they didn't want us to tell. Filmed in cementascope. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': I'm the manager of the supermarket... :'''Crow [as the Narrator]''': And also the town undertaker. :'''Narrator''': ... and this is my son, Johnny. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': It's his birthday, and he gets to spend two hours in the candy aisle. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': A supermarket is like many little markets or departments all brought together into one big building. Each department sells a different kind of food. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': Putting all the smaller family owned markets out of business, thus ensuring that capitalism continues its nonstop roll toward oblivion. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny and the manager open a rear bay door]'' :'''Emily [as the manager]''': That's the sun, Johnny. It's our friend. It keeps the zombies at bay. <hr width=50%/> :''[as Johnny helps unload a truck]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, how is this going to help us find my sister? :'''Servo''': Ooh, sad... <hr width=50%/> :''[during a shot of a storage shelf]'' :'''Servo''': Hmm, I see beef stew, ravioli, Star Kist tuna, surplus DVDs of ''[[w:Jerry Maguire|Jerry Maguire]]'', they've got it all! <hr width=50%/> :''[as a butcher pushes hanging meat into a refrigerated room]'' :'''Emily [as Johnny]''': Dad, is this legal? :'''Servo [as the manager]''': Come on in, Johnny. I'd like you to meet my good friend, [[w:David Lynch|David Lynch]]. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': In this room, packages of meat are made ready for selling. Since food must be kept very clean, the packages are carefully wrapped and labeled. They're covered with cellophane, and then sealed with a hot iron. :'''Emily [as the Narrator]''': And a fresh slice of provolone. :'''Crow''': You know, this is how Coldstone Creamery got started. They just reversed the process. :'''Narrator''': Each package is weighed, and the weight and price are marked on the label. :'''Servo''': ''[as a butcher writes on a label]'' "Help, I'm being held captive in Mayfair Market." <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Meanwhile, I check on some signs needed for tomorrow's sale. :'''Crow [as the manager]''': Have you seen my son? :'''Narrator''': I tell my sign maker what the sale price will be. The signs will be used in the windows of the market. :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': I linger a bit longer to take in the smell of benzene. <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': This is my secretary... :'''Crow [as Johnny]''': ''Mom???'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Now Johnny, how would you like to open the market? Just push this buzzer... :''[Johnny presses the buzzer]'' :'''Servo [as the Narrator]''': ...and the bees will be released! ''[evil laugh]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Crow''': This work is all performed by silent robots. :'''Emily''': Hmmm, must be nice. :'''Crow and Servo''': Hey! <hr width=50%/> :'''Narrator''': Johnny and his mother have completed and paid for their shopping. Today, Johnny's learned that a great many things go on behind the scenes at a supermarket. :'''Crow''': Guys, I cannot ''wait'' for the next installment where they get bought out by a [[w:Trader Joe's|Trader Joe's]]. :'''Emily''': Ooooh... pumpkin spice. == Major cast == * [[w:Joel Hodgson|Joel Hodgson]] – [[w:Joel Robinson|Joel Robinson]] (1989–1993) (1999) (2022)/Joel Hodgson (1988) * [[w:J. Elvis Weinstein|Josh Weinstein]] – [[w:Tom Servo|Tom Servo]]/[[w:Dr. Laurence Erhardt|Dr. Laurence Erhardt]] (1988–1989)/[[w:Gypsy (MST3K)|Gypsy]] (1988) * [[w:Trace Beaulieu|Trace Beaulieu]] – [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]]/[[w:Dr. Clayton Forrester|Dr. Clayton Forrester]] (1988–1996, Turkey Day 2014) * [[w:Kevin Wagner Murphy|Kevin Murphy]] – Tom Servo (1990–1999)/[[w:Professor Bobo|Professor Bobo]] (1997–1999)/[[w:Cambot|Cambot]] (1988) * [[w:Jim Mallon|Jim Mallon]] – Gypsy (1989–1997) * [[w:Frank Conniff|Frank Conniff]] – [[w:TV's Frank|TV's Frank]] (1990–1995) * [[w:Michael J. Nelson|Michael J. Nelson]] – [[w:Mike Nelson (MST3K)|Mike Nelson]] (1993–1999)/[[w:Jack Perkins|Jack Perkins]] (recurring) * [[w:Mary Jo Pehl|Mary Jo Pehl]] – [[w:Pearl Forrester|Pearl Forrester]] (1994) (1996–1999)/[[w:Magic Voice|Magic Voice]] (1992–1994) * [[w:Bill Corbett|Bill Corbett]] – Crow T. Robot/Observer (1997–1999) * [[w:Patrick Brantseg|Patrick Brantseg]] – Gypsy (1997–1999) * [[w:Jonah Ray|Jonah Ray]] – [[w:Jonah Heston|Jonah Heston]] (2017–2018) * [[w:Baron Vaughn|Baron Vaughn]] – Tom Servo (2017–2018) * [[w:Hampton Yount|Hampton Yount]] – Crow T. Robot (2017–2018) * [[w:Felicia Day|Felicia Day]] – Kinga Forrester (2017–2018) * [[Patton Oswalt]] – Max, TV’s Son of TV’s Frank (2017–2018) * Rebecca Hanson – Gypsy/Synthia Forrester (2017–2022) * Emily Marsh – Emily Connor, (2022) * Kelsey Ann Brady – [[w:Crow T. Robot|Crow T. Robot]] (2022) == See also == * [[Television shows]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikipedia|List of Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes}} * {{imdb title|0094517|Mystery Science Theater 3000}} * {{imdb title|0117128|Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie}} * [http://www.mst3kinfo.com/index.html The Satellite News]: The Official MST3K Fan Site * [http://forrestcrow.proboards47.com MST3K: The Discussion Board]: Satellite News endorsed and largest MST3K discussion board [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Comedy Central shows]] [[Category:Syfy shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:American comic science fiction TV shows]] [[Category:American TV shows featuring puppetry]] [[Category:TV shows revived after cancellation]] [[Category:Netflix shows]] [[Category:1990s American comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1980s American comedy TV shows]] 7cc5k94cg6m04dehx1hyqy1dc9cfrdy 0 3057 3954143 3862121 2026-06-18T13:10:20Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:Films directed by Carol Reed]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954143 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:The Third Man (1949 American theatrical poster).jpg|thumb|You know what the fellow said – in [[Italy|Italy]], for thirty years under the [[w:House of Borgia|Borgias]], they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced [[Michelangelo]], [[Leonardo da Vinci]] and the [[w:Renaissance|Renaissance]]. In [[Switzerland|Switzerland]], they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The [[w:cuckoo clock|cuckoo clock]].]] [[File:The 3rd Man trailer screenshot 1.png|thumb|Oh, Holly, you and I aren't heroes. The world doesn't make any heroes outside of your stories.]] [[File:GuentherZ 2019-07-20 20190720 104318 Wien11 Zentralfriedhof fingierte Grabstaette Harry Lime.jpg|thumb|We should have dug deeper than a grave.]] [[File:Chicago-ferris-wheel.jpg|thumb|Tell me. Would you really feel any pity if one of those dots stopped moving forever? If I offered you twenty thousand pounds for every dot that stopped, would you really, old man, tell me to keep my money, or would you calculate how many dots you could afford to spare?]] '''''[[w:The Third Man|The Third Man]]''''' is a [[w:1949 in films|1949]] British [[w:film noir|film noir]] about an American writer of Westerns, who upon his arrival in war-torn [[Vienna]] at an old friend's invitation, finds himself investigating the supposed mysterious death of his friend. :''Directed by [[w:Carol Reed|Carol Reed]]. Written by [[Graham Greene]], based on his novella.'' {{center|'''HUNTED...By a thousand men! Haunted...By a lovely girl!'''<small> [[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Voice-over intro by Carol Reed == :<small>'''As per the UK version.'''</small> * I never knew the old Vienna before the war with its Strauss music, its glamour and easy charm. Constantinople suited me better. I really got to know it in the classic period of the Black Market. We'd run anything if people wanted it enough - mmm - had the money to pay. Of course, a situation like that does tempt amateurs but you know they can't stay the course like a professional. Now the city - it's divided into four zones, you know, each occupied by a power: the American, the British, the Russian and the French. But the center of the city that's international policed by an International Patrol. One member of each of the four powers. Wonderful! What a hope they had! All strangers to the place and none of them could speak the same language. Except a sort of smattering of German. Good fellows on the whole, did their best you know. Vienna doesn't really look any worse than a lot of other European cities. Bombed about a bit. Oh, I was gonna tell you, wait, I was gonna tell you about Holly Martins, an American. Came all the way here to visit a friend of his. The name is Lime, Harry Lime. Now Martins was broke and Lime had offered him, some sort, I don't know, some sort of job. Anyway, there he was, poor chap. Happy as a lark and without a cent. ** Note: In the [[w:The Third Man#Differences between releases|American version]], Joseph Cotten delivers a slightly different intro as Holly Martins. == Dialogue == :'''Martins''': I guess nobody knew Harry like he did, like I did. :'''Calloway''': How long ago? :'''Martins''': Back in school. I was never so lonesome in my life till he showed up. :'''Calloway''': When did you see him last? :'''Martins''': September, '39. :'''Calloway''': When the business started? :'''Martins''': Mmm, hmm. :'''Calloway''': See much of him before that? :'''Martins''': Once in a while. Best friend I ever had. :'''Calloway''': That sounds like a cheap novelette. :'''Martins''': I ''write'' cheap novelettes. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': It’s a shame. :'''Calloway''': What? :'''Martins''': Him dying like that. :'''Calloway''': Best thing that ever happened to him. :'''Martins''': What are you trying to say? :'''Calloway''': He was about the worst racketeer that ever made a dirty living in this city. :'''Martins''': Policeman, huh? :'''Calloway''': Come on, have another drink. :'''Martins''': No, I never did like policemen. I have to call them sheriffs. Ever seen one? Pin it on a dead man. Some petty racket with gasoline or something. Just like a cop. You’re a real cop, I suppose. :'''Calloway''': It wasn’t petrol. :'''Martins''': So it wasn’t petrol. So it was tyres or saccharin or… Why don’t you catch a few murderers for a change? :'''Calloway''': Well, you could say that murder was part of his racket. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Crabbin''': I know a very good dentist. :'''Martins''': I don’t need a dentist. Somebody hit me, that’s all. :'''Crabbin''': Goodness. We must report that to the police. Were they trying to rob you? :'''Martins''': Oh, just a soldier. I was trying to punch his major in the eye. :'''Crabbin''': No. A major? Were you really? :'''Martins''': Heard of Harry Lime? :'''Crabbin''': Well, I’ve heard of him, of course, but I didn’t exactly know him. :'''Martins''': I was going to stay with him, but he died Thursday. :'''Crabbin''': Goodness, that’s awkward. :'''Martins''': That what you say to people after death? “Goodness, that’s awkward”? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': You were in love with him, weren't you? :'''Anna''': I don't know. How can you know a thing like that afterwards? I don't know anything more except I want to be dead too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': Could he have been conscious?...Was he still alive? :'''Porter''': Alive? He couldn't have been alive. Not with his head in the way it was. :'''Martins''': I was told that he did not die at once. :'''Porter''': He was quite dead. :'''Martins''': But this sounds crazy. If he was killed at once, how could he have talked about me and this lady here after he was dead? Why didn't you say all this at the inquest? :'''Porter''': It's better not to be mixed up in things like this. :'''Martins''': Things like what? :'''Porter''': ''[He shrugs]'' I was not the only one who did not give evidence. :'''Martins''': Who else? :'''Porter''': Three men helped to carry your friend to the statue. :'''Martins''': Kurtz, the Rumanian, and - :'''Porter''': There was a third man. He didn't give evidence. :'''Martins''': You don't mean the doctor? :'''Porter''': No, no, no. He came later, after they carried him to the Josef statue. :'''Martins''': What did this man look like? :'''Porter''': I didn't see his face. He didn't look up. He was quite ordinary. He might have been just anybody. :'''Martins''': Just anybody. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': I suppose it wouldn't interest you to know that Harry Lime was murdered? You're too busy. You haven't even bothered to get the complete evidence...And there was a third man there. I suppose that doesn't sound peculiar to you. :'''Calloway''': I'm not interested in whether a racketeer like Lime was killed by his friends or by an accident. The only important thing is that he's dead. Go home Martins, like a sensible chap. You don't know what you're mixing in, get the next plane. :'''Martins''': As soon as I get to the bottom of this, I'll get the next plane. :'''Calloway''': Death's at the bottom of everything, Martins. Leave death to the professionals. :'''Martins''': Mind if I use that line in my next Western? <hr width=50%/> :'''Anna''': ''[about Harry]'' It's always bad around this time. He used to look in around six. I've been frightened. I've been alone, without friends and money. But I've never known anything like this. Please talk. Tell me about him. :'''Martins''': He could fix anything. :'''Anna''': What sort of things? :'''Martins''': Oh, little things, how to put your temperature up before an exam, the best crib, how to avoid this and that. :'''Anna''': He fixed my papers for me. He heard the Russians were repatriating people like me who came from Czechoslovakia. He knew the right person straight away for forging stamps. :'''Martins''': When he was fourteen, he taught me the three card trick. That was growing up fast. :'''Anna''': He never grew up. The world grew up round him, that's all - and buried him. :'''Martins''': Anna, you'll fall in love again. :'''Anna''': Don't you see I don't want to? I don't ever want to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Popescu''': Can I ask is Mr. Martins engaged in a new book? :'''Martins''': Yes, it's called 'The Third Man.' :'''Popescu''': A novel, Mr. Martins? :'''Martins''': It's a murder story. I've just started it. It's based on fact. :'''Popescu''': Are you a slow writer, Mr. Martins? :'''Martins''': Not when I get interested. :'''Popescu''': I'd say you were doing something pretty dangerous this time. :'''Martins''': Yes? :'''Popescu''': Mixing fact and fiction. :'''Martins''': Should I make it all fact? :'''Popescu''': Why no, Mr. Martins. I'd say stick to fiction, straight fiction. :'''Martins''': I'm too far along with the book, Mr. Popescu. :'''Popescu''': Haven't you ever scrapped a book, Mr. Martins? :'''Martins''': Never. :'''Popescu''': Pity. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calloway''': I told you to go away, Martins. This isn't Santa Fe. I'm not a sheriff and you aren't a cowboy. You've been blundering around with the worst bunch of racketeers in Vienna, your precious Harry's friends, and now you're wanted for murder. :'''Martins''': Put down drunk and disorderly too. :'''Calloway''': I have. What’s the matter with your hand? :'''Martins''': Parrot bit me. :'''Calloway''': Oh, stop behaving like a fool, Martins. :'''Martins''': I’m only a little fool. I’m an amateur at it. You’re a professional. You’ve been shaking your cap and bells all over town. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calloway''': You’re going to hear the facts. :'''Martins''': You haven’t told me a single one yet. :'''Calloway''': Have you ever heard of penicillin? :'''Martins''': Well? :'''Calloway''': In Vienna, there hasn’t been enough penicillin to go around. So a nice trade started here. Stealing penicillin from the military hospitals, diluting it to make it go further and selling it to patients. Do you see what that means? :'''Martins''': Are you too busy chasing a few tubes of penicillin to investigate a murder? :'''Calloway''': These ''were'' murders. Men with gangrened legs, women in childbirth. And there were children too. They used some of this diluted penicillin against meningitis. The lucky children died. The unlucky ones went off their heads. You can see them now in the mental ward. That was the racket Harry Lime organized. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': I knew him for twenty years, at least I thought I knew him. Suppose he was laughing at fools like us all the time? :'''Anna''': He liked to laugh. :'''Martins''': Seventy pounds a tube. He wanted me to write for his great medical charity...Perhaps I could have raised the price to eighty pounds for him. :'''Anna''': Oh please, for heaven's sakes, stop making him in your image. Harry was real. He wasn't just your friend and my lover, he was Harry. :'''Martins''': Well, don't preach wisdom to me. You talk about him as if he had occasional bad manners. Oh, I don't know, I'm just a hack writer who drinks too much and falls in love with girls - you. :'''Anna''': Me? :'''Martins''': Don't be such a fool, of course. :'''Anna''': If you'd rung me up and asked me were you fair or dark or had a moustache, I wouldn't have known. :'''Martins''': I am leaving Vienna. I don't care whether Harry was murdered by Kurtz or Popescu or the third man. Whoever killed him, there was some sort of justice. Maybe I would have killed him myself. :'''Anna''': A person doesn't change because you find out more. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': Well, what’s this? Where are we? :'''Paine''': It’s the main sewer. Runs right into the blue Danube. Smells sweet, doesn’t it? :'''Calloway''': We should have dug deeper than a grave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Harry''': ''[on the ferris wheel]'' What do you want me to do? Be reasonable. You didn't expect me to give myself up. :'''Martins''': Why not? :'''Harry''': 'It's a far, far better thing that I do.' The old limelight. The fall of the curtain. Oh, Holly, you and I aren't heroes. The world doesn't make any heroes outside of your stories. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': Have you ever seen any of your victims? :'''Harry''': You know, I never feel comfortable on these sort of things. Victims? Don't be melodramatic. ''[gestures to people far below]'' Tell me. Would you really feel any pity if one of those dots stopped moving forever? If I offered you twenty thousand pounds for every dot that stopped, would you really, old man, tell me to keep my money, or would you calculate how many dots you could afford to spare? Free of income tax, old man. Free of income tax - the only way you can save money nowadays. :'''Martins''': Lot of good your money'll do you in jail. :'''Harry''': That jail's in another zone. There's no proof against me...besides you. :'''Martins''': ''[holding onto the window ledge]'' I should be pretty easy to get rid of. :'''Harry''': Pretty easy. :'''Martins''': I wouldn't be too sure. :'''Harry''': I carry a gun. You don't think they'd look for a bullet wound after you hit ''that'' ground. <hr width=50%/> :'''Harry''': ''[chuckling]'' Oh Holly, what fools we are, talking to each other this way. As though I would do anything to you, or you to me. You're just mixed up about things in general. Nobody thinks in terms of human beings. Governments don't. Why should we? They talk about the people and the proletariat, I talk about the suckers and the mugs - it's the same thing. They have their five-year plans, so have I. :'''Martins''': You used to believe in [[God]]. :'''Harry''': Oh, I still do believe in God, old man. I believe in God and Mercy and all that. But the dead are happier dead. They don't miss much here, poor devils. What do you believe in? Oh, if you ever get Anna out of this mess, be kind to her. You'll find she's worth it. I wish I had asked you to bring me some of those tablets from home. Holly, I would like to cut you in, old man. There’s nobody left in Vienna I can really trust, and we have always done everything together. When you make up your mind, send me a message. I’ll meet you any place, any time. And when we do meet, old man, it is you I want to see, not the police. Remember that, won’t you? And don’t be so gloomy. After all, it’s not ''that'' awful. '''You know what the fellow said – in [[w:Italy|Italy]], for thirty years under the [[w:House of Borgia|Borgias]], they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced [[Michelangelo]], [[Leonardo da Vinci]] and the [[w:Renaissance|Renaissance]]. In [[w:Switzerland|Switzerland]], they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The [[w:cuckoo clock|cuckoo clock]].''' :* Note: The passage in bold was written by [[Orson Welles]]. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': Anna, don't you recognize a good turn when you see one? :'''Anna''': You have seen Calloway. What are you two doing? :'''Martins''': Well, they, they asked me to help take him. I'm helping. :'''Anna''': Poor Harry. :'''Martins''': Poor Harry? Poor Harry wouldn't even lift a finger to help you. :'''Anna''': Oh, you've got your precious honesty and don't want anything else. :'''Martins''': You still want him. :'''Anna''': I don't want him anymore. I don't want to see him, hear him. But he's still a part of me, that's a fact. I couldn't do a thing to harm him. :'''Martins''': Oh Anna, why do we always have to quarrel? :'''Anna''': If you want to sell your services, I'm not willing to be the price. I loved him. You loved him. What good have we done him? Love! Look at yourself. They have a name for faces like that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Martins''': Calloway, can't you do something about Anna? :'''Calloway''': I'll do what I can - if she'll let me. ''[They pass Anna on the road]'' :'''Martins''': Wait a minute. Let me out. :'''Calloway''': Well, there's not much time. :'''Martins''': One can't just leave. Please. ''[Calloway stops the jeep and Holly gets out]'' :'''Calloway''': Be sensible, Martins. :'''Martins''': Haven't got a sensible name, Calloway. :''[Anna walks past Martins without saying a word]'' == Taglines == * HUNTED...By a thousand men! Haunted...By a lovely girl! * Hunted by men...Sought by WOMEN! == Cast == * [[w:Joseph Cotten|Joseph Cotten]] - Holly Martins * [[w:Alida Valli|Alida Valli]] - Anna Schmidt * [[Orson Welles]] - Harry Lime * [[w:Trevor Howard|Trevor Howard]] - Major Calloway * [[w:Paul Hörbiger|Paul Hörbiger]] - Porter * [[w:Ernst Deutsch|Ernst Deutsch]] - 'Baron' Kurtz * [[w:Erich Ponto|Erich Ponto]] - Dr. Winkel * [[w:Siegfried Breuer|Siegfried Breuer]] - Popescu * [[w:Hedwig Bleibtreu|Hedwig Bleibtreu]] - Anna's Landlady * [[w:Bernard Lee|Bernard Lee]] - Sergeant Paine * [[w:Wilfrid Hyde-White|Wilfrid Hyde-White]] - Cribbin ==References== {{reflist}} == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline|The Third Man (1949 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0041959|title=The Third Man}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=third_man|title=The Third Man}} * ''[https://www.filmsite.org/thir.html The Third Man]'' at [[w:Filmsite.org|Filmsite.org]] {{DEFAULTSORT:Third Man, The}} [[Category:1949 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:Crime films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Films based on short fiction]] [[Category:Film noir]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:Thriller films]] [[Category:Films based on works by Graham Greene]] [[Category:Films set in Vienna]] [[Category:Films directed by Carol Reed]] 7cm3h99sfelwjkld1uongm2panb3qxw 0 3257 3954259 3720794 2026-06-18T20:01:27Z ~2026-35521-96 3343436 /* Quotes about Aquinas */ B. Mondin 3954259 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:St-thomas-aquinas.jpg|thumb|right|''Scripsisti bene de me, Thoma. Quam mercedem accipies? Numquam, nisi Te, Domine.''<br> All that I have written seems like straw compared to what has now been revealed to me.]] '''[[w:Thomas Aquinas|Saint Thomas Aquinas]]''' (c. [[1225]] – [[7 March]] [[1274]]) was an Italian [[w:Dominican Order|Dominican]] [[w:friar|friar]], [[Philosophy|philosopher]], [[w:Catholic priest|Catholic priest]], and [[w:Doctor of the Church|Doctor of the Church]]. An immensely influential [[w:List of Catholic philosophers and theologians|philosopher]], [[w:Catholic theology|theologian]], and [[w:jurist|jurist]] in the tradition of [[w:scholasticism|scholasticism]], he is also known within the latter as the ''Doctor Angelicus'', the ''Doctor Communis'', and the ''Doctor Universalis''. The name ''Aquinas'' identifies his ancestral origins in the county of [[w:Aquino, Italy|Aquino]] in present-day [[w:Lazio|Lazio]], Italy. Among other things, he was a prominent proponent of [[w:natural theology|natural theology]] and the father of a school of thought (encompassing both theology and philosophy) known as [[w:Thomism|Thomism]]. He argued that God is the source of both the light of natural reason and the light of faith. His influence on [[w:Western thought|Western thought]] is considerable, and much of [[w:modern philosophy|modern philosophy]] is derived from his ideas, particularly in the areas of ethics, [[natural law]], [[metaphysics]], and political theory. :'''''See also: [[Summa Theologica]], [[Five Ways (Aquinas)]]''''' == Quotes == [[File:Gian Lorenzo Bernini - Dove of the Holy Spirit.JPG|thumb|right|Lo! o'er ancient forms departing,<br>Newer rites of grace prevail;<br>Faith for all defects supplying,<br>Where the feeble senses fail.]] [[File:Saint Thomas Aquinas.jpg|thumb|right|As the saints will rejoice in all goods, so will the damned grieve for all goods.]] [[File:Jesuíno do Monte Carmelo (atrib.) - São Tomás.jpg|thumb|When what is ordered by an authority is opposed to the object for which that authority was constituted, ... not only is there no obligation to obey the authority, but one is obliged to disobey it, as did the holy martyrs who suffered death rather than obey the impious commands of tyrants.]] [[File:Bartolomé Esteban Murillo Santo Tomás de Aquino.jpg|thumb|The order of authority derives from God, as [[Paul of Tarsus|the Apostle]] says &#91;in [[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]] 13:1-7&#93;. For this reason, the duty of obedience is, for the Christian, a consequence of this derivation of authority from God, and ceases when that ceases. But, as we have already said, authority may fail to derive from God for two reasons: either because of the way in which authority has been obtained, or in consequence of the use which is made of it. ]] * ''Pange, lingua, gloriosi<br>Corporis mysterium<br>Sanguinisque pretiosi,<br>Quem in mundi pretium<br>Fructus ventris generosi<br>Rex effudit gentium.'' ** '''Sing, my tongue, the Savior's glory,<br>Of His Flesh the mystery sing;<br>Of the Blood, all price exceeding,<br>Shed by our immortal King.''' ** ''Pange, Lingua'' (hymn for Vespers on the Feast of Corpus Christi), stanza 1 * Down in adoration falling,<br>Lo! the sacred Host we hail;<br>Lo! o'er ancient forms departing,<br>Newer rites of grace prevail;<br>Faith for all defects supplying,<br>Where the feeble senses fail. ** ''Pange, Lingua'', stanza 5 (''Tantum Ergo'') * '''Thus Angels' Bread is made<br>The Bread of man today:<br>The Living Bread from Heaven<br>With figures doth away''':<br>O wondrous gift indeed!<br>The poor and lowly may<br>Upon their Lord and Master feed. ** ''Sacris Solemniis Juncta Sint Gaudia'' (Matins hymn for Corpus Christi), stanza 6 (''Panis Angelicus'') * O saving Victim, opening wide<br>The gate of heaven to man below,<br>Our foes press on from every side,<br>Thine aid supply, Thy strength bestow. ** ''Verbum Supernum Prodiens'' (hymn for Lauds on Corpus Christi), stanza 5 (''O Salutaris Hostia'') * Anything done against faith or conscience is sinful. ** ''Commentary on Romans'', cap 14, I 3 * '''Reason in man is rather like God in the world.''' ** ''Opuscule'' II, ''De Regno'' (''On Kingship'', c. 1267) * '''Charity, by which God and neighbor are loved, is the most perfect friendship.''' ** ''[http://dhspriory.org/thomas/QDdeVirtutibus2.htm#4 Quaestiones disputatae: De caritate]'' (''Disputed Questions: On Charity'', c. 1270) * '''It must be said that charity can, in no way, exist along with mortal sin.''' ** ''[http://dhspriory.org/thomas/QDdeVirtutibus2.htm#6 Quaestiones disputatae: De caritate]'' (''Disputed Questions: On Charity'', c. 1270) * The reason, however, why the philosopher may be likened to the poet is this: both are concerned with the marvellous. ** ''Commentary on the Metaphysics'' (c. 1270–1272), 1, 3; quoted in [[Josef Pieper]], ''Leisure, the Basis of Culture'' (New York, 1952), p. 88 * If … the motion of the earth were circular, it would be violent and contrary to nature, and could not be eternal, since … nothing violent is eternal.… It follows, therefore, that the earth is not moved with a circular motion. ** ''Commentaria in libros Aristotelis de caelo et mundo'' (''Commentary on Aristotle's On the Heavens'', c. 1272–1273) * A hymn is the praise of God with song; a song is the exultation of the mind dwelling on eternal things, bursting forth in the voice. ** ''[http://dhspriory.org/thomas/english/PsalmsAquinas/ThoPs0.htm Commentary on the Psalms]'' (c. 1273), Introduction * ''Omne verum a quocumque dicatur a Spiritu Sancto est''. ** '''All that is true, from anyone it is said, always comes from the Holy Spirit'''. *** [https://www.ilsole24ore.com/art/i-doni-spirituali-e-teologici-riforma-AENoMRwC ''Summa Theologiae'', I-II, q. 109, a. 1, ad 1] * ''Raynalde, non possum, quia omnia quae scripsi videntur mihi palae''. Replying to Reginald of Piperno: ''Videntur mihi palae respectu eorum quae vidi et revelata sunt mihi''. ** [https://archive.org/details/fontesvitaesthom00pr/page/376/mode/2up ''Processus canonizationis S. Thomae, Neapoli'', LXXIX] ** '''All that I have written seems like straw compared to what has now been revealed to me.''' *** Reply to Reginald of Piperno after being asked to resume writing "Summa Theologiae" (then left unfinished), after a mystical experience while saying mass on or about 6 December 1273, as quoted in "The Life of Saint Thomas Aquinas: Biographical Documents" (1959) by Kenelm Foster, O.P. *** Variant translations: *** All that I have written seems like straw to me. **** As quoted in ''The Thought of Thomas Aquinas'' (1993), by Brian Davies, p. 9 *** Everything I have written seems like straw by comparison with what I have seen and what has been revealed to me. **** As quoted in ''Sacred Games : A History of Christian Worship'' (1997) by Bernhard Lang, p. 323 *** '''All that I have written seems to me so much straw after the things that have been revealed to me.''' **** As quoted in ''A Treasury of Quotations on the Spiritual Life from the Writings of St. Thomas Aquinas, Doctor of the Church'' (2007) by John P. McClernon *** All that I have written seems to me like straw compared to what has now been revealed to me. **** As quoted in ''Higher Reality Therapy: Nine Pathways to Inner Peace'' (2010) by Anthony Falikowski, p. 38 *Jesus Christ: ''Bene scripsísti de me, Thoma; quam ergo mercédem accípies?'' Aquinas: ''Non áliam, Dómine, nisi teípsum''. **Jesus Christ: "You wrote correctly about me, Thomas. What prize do you want to have?" Aquinas: "Nothing, my Lord, except for Yourself." ***[http://www.scuolaecclesiamater.org/2015/03/bene-scripsisti-de-me-thoma-quam-ergo.html?m=1 ''Lect. V- II Noct.''] * ''Anima mea non est ego''.<!--Unless someone can prove it's 'sum ego' rather than 'est ego', we'll go with this.--> ** '''I am not my soul. *** [https://books.google.it/books?id=4-fkDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA133 ''Super I ad Corinthios''], 15.2 ===''Commentary on the Sentences of Peter Lombard'' (c. 1254–1256)=== * The order of authority derives from God, as [[Paul of Tarsus|the Apostle]] says &#91;in [[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]] 13:1-7&#93;. For this reason, the duty of obedience is, for the Christian, a consequence of this derivation of authority from God, and ceases when that ceases. But, as we have already said, authority may fail to derive from God for two reasons: either because of the way in which authority has been obtained, or in consequence of the use which is made of it. There are two ways in which the first may occur. Either because of a defect in the person, if he is unworthy; or because of some defect in the way itself by which power was acquired, if, for example, through violence, or simony or some other illegal method. ** in ''Aquinas: Selected Political Writings'' (Basil Blackwell: 1974), p. 183 * With regard to the abuse of authority, this also may come about in two ways. First, when what is ordered by an authority is opposed to the object for which that authority was constituted (if, for example, some sinful action is commanded or one which is contrary to virtue, when it is precisely for the protection and fostering of virtue that authority is instituted). In such a case, not only is there no obligation to obey the authority, but one is obliged to disobey it, as did the holy martyrs who suffered death rather than obey the impious commands of tyrants. Secondly, when those who bear such authority command things which exceed the competence of such authority; as, for example, when a master demands payment from a servant which the latter is not bound to make, and other similar cases. In this instance the subject is free to obey or disobey. ** in ''Aquinas: Selected Political Writings'' (Basil Blackwell: 1974), p. 183 * One who liberates his country by killing a tyrant is to be praised and rewarded. ** Trans. J.G. Dawson (Oxford, 1959), 44, 2 in O’Donovan, pp. 329-30 ===''De veritate'' (c. 1256–1259)=== <small>''Quaestiones disputatae de veritate'' (''Disputed Questions on Truth'')</small> * '''The greatness of the human being consists in this: that it is capable of the universe.''' ** q. 1, art. 2, ad 4 * '''Nothing is in the intellect that was not first in the senses.''' ** q. 2, art. 3, arg. 19 ** This is known as the [[w:Peripatetic axiom|Peripatetic axiom]]. * We can open our hearts to God, but only with Divine help. ** q. 24, art. 15, ad 2 ===''Summa contra Gentiles'' (1259–1265)=== * '''Truth is the ultimate end of the whole universe.''' ** I, 1, 2 * [[Muhammad]] seduced the people by promises of carnal pleasure to which the concupiscence of the flesh goads us. His teaching also contained precepts that were in conformity with his promises, and he gave free rein to carnal pleasure. In all this, as is not unexpected, he was obeyed by carnal men. As for proofs of the truth of his doctrine, he brought forward only such as could be grasped by the natural ability of anyone with a very modest wisdom. Indeed, the truths that he taught he mingled with many fables and with doctrines of the greatest falsity. He did not bring forth any signs produced in a supernatural way, which alone fittingly gives witness to divine inspiration; for a visible action that can be only divine reveals an invisibly inspired teacher of truth. On the contrary, Muhammad said that he was sent in the power of his arms—which are signs not lacking even to robbers and tyrants. What is more, no wise men, men trained in things divine and human, believed in him from the beginning, Those who believed in him were brutal men and desert wanderers, utterly ignorant of all divine teaching, through whose numbers Muhammad forced others to become his followers by the violence of his arms. Nor do divine pronouncements on the part of preceding prophets offer him any witness. On the contrary, he perverts almost all the testimonies of the Old and New Testaments by making them into fabrications of his own, as can be seen by anyone who examines his law. It was, therefore, a shrewd decision on his part to forbid his followers to read the Old and New Testaments, lest these books convict him of falsity. It is thus clear that those who place any faith in his words believe foolishly. ** I, 6, 4 (trans. Anton C. Pegis) * For creation is not a change, but that dependence of the created existence on the principle from which it is instituted, and thus is of the genus of relation; whence nothing prohibits it being in the created as in the subject. Creation is thus said to be a kind of change, according to the way of understanding, insofar as our intellect accepts one and the same thing as not existing before and afterwards existing. ** II, 18, 2 (see also ''Summa Theologica'' I, q. 45, art. 3 ad 2) * The perfection of the effect demonstrates the perfection of the cause, for a greater power brings about a more perfect effect. But God is the most perfect agent. Therefore, things created by Him obtain perfection from Him. '''So, to detract from the perfection of creatures is to detract from the perfection of divine power.''' ** III, 69, 15 * Natural inclinations are present in things from God, who moves all things. So it is impossible for the natural inclinations of a species to be toward evil in itself. But there is in all perfect animals a natural inclination toward carnal union. Therefore it is impossible for carnal union to be evil in itself. ** III, 126, 3 *The highest perfection of human life consists in the mind of man being detached from care, for the sake of God. ** III, 130, 3 * To become like God is the ultimate end of all. ===''On the Governance of the Jews'' (c. 1263–1265)=== <small>''De regimine Judaeorum'' (''On the Governance of the Jews''), aka ''Epistola ad ducissam Brabantiae'' (''Letter to the [[w:Adelaide of Burgundy, Duchess of Brabant|Duchess of Brabant]]''). In this letter Aquinas answers eight questions asked by the Duchess, five of which were about the Jews.</small> * Since the Jews may not licitly keep those things which they have extorted from others through [[usury]], the consequence is also that if you [rulers] receive these things from them, neither may you licitly keep them.[…] You should restore them to those to whom the Jews themselves are morally bound to make restitution. ** art. 1 * It would be better if they [rulers] compelled the Jews to work for their living, as they do in parts of Italy, than that, living without occupation, they can grow rich only by usury (''solis usuris ditentur''). ** art. 2 * Now what has been said about the Jews is also to be understood about [[w:Cahors|Cahorsins]], and anyone else depending upon the depravity of usury. ** art. 4 ===''De potentia'' (c. 1265–1266)=== <small>''Quaestiones disputatae de potentia'' (''Disputed Questions on Power'')</small> * It is on account neither of God's weakness nor ignorance that evil comes into the world, but rather it is due to the order of his wisdom and the greatness of his goodness that diverse grades of goodness occur in things, many of which would be lacking if no evil were permitted. Indeed, the good of patience would not exist without the evil of persecution; nor the good of preservation of life in a lion if not for the evil of the destruction of the animals on which it lives. ** q. 3, art. 6, ad 4 * Man reaches the highest point of his knowledge about God when he knows that he knows him not, inasmuch as he knows that that which is God transcends whatsoever he conceives of him. ** q. 7, art. 5, ad 14 * There is no order between created being and non-being, but there is between created and uncreated being. ** q. 7, art. 9, ad 8 ===''[https://www.pathsoflove.com/aquinas/perfection-of-the-spiritual-life.html On The Perfection of the Spiritual Life]'' (1269-1270)=== * ''Vita enim in hoc maxime manifestatur quod aliquid movet se ipsum; quod autem non potest moveri nisi ab alio, quasi mortuum esse videtur.'' **The highest manifestation of life consists in this: that a being governs its own actions. A being that is always subject to the direction of another is somewhat of a dead thing. **Variant translation: Now slavery has a certain likeness to death, hence it is also called civil death. '''For life is most evident in a thing's moving itself, while what can only be moved by another, seems to be as if dead.''' But it is manifest that a slave is not moved by himself, but only at his master's command. *** [https://www.pathsoflove.com/aquinas/perfection-of-the-spiritual-life.html#chapter14 Chapter 14] ===''On the Ten Commandments'' (c. 1273)=== <small>''Sermons on the Ten Commandments'' (''Collationes in decem praeceptes'')</small> * ''Tria sunt homini necessaria ad salutem: scilicit scientia credendorum, scientia desiderandorum, et scientia operandorum.'' ** Three things are necessary for man to be saved: knowledge of what is to be believed, knowledge of what is to be desired, and knowledge of what is to be done. ** Prologue (opening sentence) ** Variant translation: Three things are necessary for the salvation of man: to know what he ought to believe; to know what he ought to desire; and to know what he ought to do. * ''Lex naturae […] nihil aliud est nisi lumen intellectis insitum nobis a Deo, per quod cognoscimus quid agendum et quid vitandum. Hoc lumen et hanc legem dedit Deus homini in creatione.'' ** The law of nature […] is nothing other than the light of the intellect planted in us by God, by which we know what should be done and what should be avoided. God gave us this light or law in creation. ** Art. 1 * ''Nullum malum bona intentione factum excusatur.'' ** No evil can be excused because it is done with a good [[intention]]. ** Art. 1 ** Variant translation: An evil action cannot be justified by reference to a good intention. ===''On the Apostles' Creed'' (c. 1273)=== * If man of himself could in a perfect manner know all things visible and invisible, it would indeed be foolish to believe what he does not see. But '''our manner of knowing is so weak that no philosopher could perfectly investigate the nature of even one little fly'''. ** Prologue (trans. Joseph B. Collins) * Suppose a person entering a house were to feel heat on the porch, and going further, were to feel the heat increasing, the more they penetrated within. Doubtless, such a person would believe there was a fire in the house, even though they did not see the fire that must be causing all this heat. A similar thing will happen to anyone who considers this world in detail: '''one will observe that all things are arranged according to their degrees of beauty and excellence, and that the nearer they are to God, the more beautiful and better they are.''' ** Art. 1 * Now, as the Word of God is the Son of God, so the love of God is the Holy Spirit. ** Art. 8 {{disputed begin}} == Disputed == * ''Hominem unius libri timeo'' ** '''I fear the man of a single book.''' ** As quoted by [[w:Leonard Sweet|Leonard Sweet]], [http://books.google.gr/books?id=KuTRcjWL91AC&dq= ''The Greatest Story Never Told''], section: "The Gift of Lyrics", Abingdon Press, 2012 ** Variant: "Beware the man of one book." ** See also: ''[[w:Homo unius libri|Homo unius libri]]'' {{disputed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} ==Misattributed== * Prostitution in towns is like the sewer in a palace; take away the sewers and the palace becomes an impure and stinking place. ** This quote, frequently attributed to Aquinas, is actually a paraphrase of a passage (itself an elaborate paraphrase of [[Augustine of Hippo|Augustine]]) by [[w:Bartholomew of Lucca|Ptolemy of Lucca]] in his continuation of an unfinished work by Aquinas. The passage from Ptolemy reads: "Thus, Augustine says that a whore acts in the world as the [[w:Bilge|bilge]] in a ship or the sewer in a palace: 'Remove the sewer, and you will fill the palace with a stench.' Similarly, concerning the bilge, he says: 'Take away whores from the world, and you will fill it with sodomy.'" (Ptolemy of Lucca and Thomas Aquinas, ''On the Government of Rulers'', trans. James M. Blythe. Philadelphia: University of Pennsylvania Press, 1997, 4. 14. 6). What Augustine actually wrote (in ''De ordine'', 2. 4. 12) was simply: "Remove prostitutes from human affairs and you will unsettle everything on account of lusts." Only Book 1 and the first four chapters of Book 2 of ''On the Government of Rulers'' (''De Regimine Principum'') are by Aquinas. The rest of the work was written by Ptolemy. (It even mentions the coronation of Albert I of Hapsburg, an event that occurred in 1298, twenty-four years after Aquinas's death.) The quote comes from Book 4, which was definitely not written by Aquinas. {{Misattributed end}} ==Quotes about Aquinas== * '''This dumb ox will fill the world with his bellowing.''' ** [[Albertus Magnus]], in response to other of his students calling Thomas a "dumb ox" because of his quietude, as quoted in ''The Great Ages of Western Philosophy : The Age of Belief : The Medieval Philosophers'' (1962) by Anne Jackson Fremantle *[[Pope John XXII]] about the ''Summa Theologiae'': As many articles as miracles. **Quote articula, tot miracula. ***[https://fsspx.news/en/news-events/news/relics-saint-thomas-aquinas-displayed-first-time-1369-80398 ''Relics of Saint Thomas Aquinas Displayed for the First Time Since 1369''] (February 27, 2023) *O excellent Thomas would that you had not been born in the West such that you would have need to advocate the differences of that [Roman] Church! You were influenced by it with regard to both the procession of the Holy Spirit as well as by the difference with respect to the divine essence and energy. For surely, then, you would have been infallible in your theological doctrines, just as you are so too inerrant in these matters of ethics! **[[w:Gennadius Scholarius|Gennadios Scholarius]], ''[http://www.ewtn.com/library/CHISTORY/dialeastwest.htm Résumé de la Prima Secundae de la Somme théologique de sanit Thomas d'Aquin]'', in ''Oeuvres Completes de Georges Scholarios'' 5, ed. L. Petit -X. Siderides -M. Jugie, Paris, Maison de la Bonne Presse 1933 * We have, among innumerable other works, the ''[[w:Summa Theologica|Summa theologica]]'', surely one of the most amazing and stupendous products of the human mind. ...never before or since has the wide world been so neatly boxed and compassed, so completely and confidently understood, every detail of it fitted, with such subtle and loving precision, into a consistent and convincing whole. ** [[Carl L. Becker]], ''The Heavenly City of the Eighteenth-century Philosophers'' (1932) * '''The difficulty of dealing with St. Thomas Aquinas in this brief article is the difficulty of selecting that aspect of a many-sided mind which will best suggest its size or scale.''' Because of the massive body which carried his massive brain, he was called "The Ox"; but any attempt to boil down such a brain into tabloid literature passes all possible jokes about an ox in a teacup. He was one of the two or three giants; one of the two or three greatest men who ever lived; and I should never be surprised if he turned out, quite apart from sanctity, to be the greatest of all. Another way of putting the problem is to say that proportion alters according to what other men we are at the moment classing him with or pitting him against. '''We do not get the scale until we come to the few men in history who can be his rivals.''' ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], in [http://www.opthird.com/sthomasgkc.htm "St. Thomas Aquinas" in ''The Spectator'' (27 February 1932)] * '''St. Thomas confronts other creeds of good and evil, without at all denying evil, with a theory of two levels of good.''' The supernatural order is the supreme good, as for any Eastern mystic; but the natural order is good; as solidly good as it is for any man in the street. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], in "St. Thomas Aquinas" in ''The Spectator'' (27 February 1932) * '''As a highly Pagan poet said to me: "The Reformation happened because people hadn't the brains to understand Aquinas."''' The Church is more immortally important than the State; but the State has its rights, for all that. This Christian duality had always been implicit, as in Christ's distinction between God and Caesar, or the dogmatic distinction between the natures of Christ. <br> But St. Thomas has the glory of having seized this double thread as the clue to a thousand things; and thereby created the only creed in which the saints can be sane. It presents itself chiefly, perhaps, to the modern world as the only creed in which the poets can be sane. For there is nobody now to settle the Manichees; and all culture is infected with a faint unclean sense that Nature and all things behind us and below us are bad; that there is only praise to the highbrow in the height. '''St. Thomas exalted God without lowering Man; he exalted Man without lowering Nature. Therefore, he made a cosmos of common sense; ''terra viventium''; a land of the living. <br> His philosophy, like his theology, is that of common sense.''' He does not torture the brain with desperate attempts to explain existence by explaining it away. The first steps of his mind are the first steps of any honest mind; just as the first virtues of his creed could be those of any honest peasant. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], in "St. Thomas Aquinas" in ''The Spectator'' (27 February 1932) * The philosopher can reflect on the ordinary man's awareness of attaining truth, but he has not at his disposal some extraordinary and special means of proving that we can know truth or that 'knowledge' is knowledge. If a philosopher were to comment that in this case we can never prove that we can attain proof and that if we cannot prove it we can never know it, Aquinas might reply that the sort of proof which the philosopher is looking for is inherently useless and indeed impossible, but that it does not follow that we cannot both attain truth and also know that we can attain it. We do not need any further guarantee of our ability to attain truth than our awareness or recognition of the fact that we do in fact attain it. ** [[w:Frederick Copleston|Frederick Copleston]], ''Aquinas: An Introduction to the Life and Work of the Great Medieval Thinker'' (1955) * Thomas Aquinas, who has likewise been brought under the imputation of magic, was one of the profoundest scholars and subtlest logicians of his day. He also furnishes a remarkable instance of the ascent which the friars at that time obtained over the minds of ingenious young men smitten with the thirst of knowledge. *It was to be expected that a man who thus immersed himself in the depths of thought should be an inexorable enemy to noise and interruption. We have seen that he dashed to pieces the artificial man of brass that Albertus Magnus, who was his tutor, had spent thirty years in bringing to perfection, being impelled to this violence by its perpetual and unceasing garrulity. It is further said, that his study being place in a great thoroughfare, where the grooms were all day long excersing their horses, he found it necessary to apply a remedy to this nuisance. He made, by the laws of magic, a small horse of brass,which he buried two or three feet under ground in the midst of the highway, and, having done so, no horse would any longer pass along the road. :* [[William Godwin]], ''[[w:Lives of the Necromancers|Lives of the Necromancers]]'' (1835), pp. 186–187. * [[Aristotle]] had not been popular in the ancient world, but his ideas were picked up by the materialistically-minded Arabs as they were developing their culture, and from there his works were introduced into Western Europe. They became the rage, stimulating a whole intellectual revival. It soon became necessary for the church to deal with this point of view, and through the genius of Thomas Aquinas all of the church ideas were rewritten within the framework of Aristotle's ideas with their mythological character reduced to a bare minimum. ** [[Morton Kelsey]], ''Myth, History & Faith: The Mysteries of Christian Myth & Imagination'' (1974) *Against the false claim of that good-willed but misled pastor, Saint Thomas Aquinas can be easy, simple, and accessible to any Catholic who is able to read. I am so convinced of this that I earned my Ph.D on the Philosophy of Thomas Aquinas, and I have made it is my life goal to make the world “a more Thomistic place." **[[Taylor Marshall]]. As quoted in [https://taylormarshall.com/2018/01/7-reasons-love-thomas-aquinas-theology-ancient-beauty.html 7 Reasons to Love Thomas Aquinas (His Theology as Ancient Beauty)] (January 28, 2018) *Thomas Aquinas is so well able to assimilate his predecessors that various historians have believed they can identify his thought now with that of Avicenna, now with that of Boethius, now with that of Pseduo-Dionysius, now with that of Aristotle or even with that of Plato. In fact, however, Thomas is not identifiable with any of his predecessors or even with the sum of some of them. [....] Thomas is an original thinker, who made the great and original discovery, that, on an ontological level, maximum perfection is the perfection of being and that any other perfection is endowed with reality only to the extent that it participates in the perfection of being. Guided by this absolutely new principle in the history of Western thought, Thomas built a new philosophical system, in which he intelligently managed to fit all the best material that both the Hellenic and Christian traditions provided him. Thus, in the cathedral built by Thomas, the material coming from [[Plato]], [[Aristotle]], [[Augustine of Hippo|Augustine]], [[Pseudo-Dionysius]], [[Boethius]], [[Avicenna]] and other philosophers is clearly recognisable. Yet the cathedral has a single architect, Thomas Aquinas. :*Father [[Battista Mondin]], O.P., ''Il sistema filosofico di Tommaso d'Aquino. <small>Per una lettura attuale della filosofia tomista</small>'', Editrice Massimo, Milan February 1985, 1st edition, ISBN 88-7030-462-0, pp. 21-22 (in Italian). * [According to St. Thomas] the soul is not transmitted with the semen, but is created afresh with each man. There is, it is true, a difficulty: when a man is born out of wedlock, this seems to make God an accomplice in adultery. This objection, however, is only specious. (There is a grave objection, which troubled Saint Augustine, and that is as to the transmission of original sin. It is the soul that sins, and if the soul is not transmitted, but created afresh, how can it inherit the sin of Adam? This is not discussed.) ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''A History of Western Philosophy'' (1945), Chapter XIII: Saint Thomas Aquinas * '''There is little of the true philosophic spirit in Aquinas.''' He does not, like the Platonic Socrates, set out to follow wherever the argument may lead. He is not engaged in an inquiry, the result of which it is impossible to know in advance. '''Before he begins to philosophize, he already knows the truth; it is declared in the Catholic faith. If he can find apparently rational arguments for some parts of the faith, so much the better; if he cannot, he need only fall back on revelation.''' The finding of arguments for a conclusion given in advance is not philosophy, but special pleading. I cannot, therefore, feel that he deserves to be put on a level with the best philosophers either of Greece or of modern times. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], ''A History of Western Philosophy'' (1945), Chapter XIII: Saint Thomas Aquinas * In speaking of Thomas Aquinas, who, it is true, had not attained at the time when [[Roger Bacon]] wrote to the commanding position of authority which was afterwards accorded to him in the schools, he couples him with [[Albertus Magnus]], and says that they both became teachers before they had been adequately taught, and lectured on a philosophy and a theology which they had imperfectly learned. ** [[w:Francis Seymour Stevenson|Francis Seymour Stevenson]], ''Robert Grosseteste: Bishop of Lincoln'' (1899) * The [[Middle Ages|medieval]] theologians would not be surprised at a prerequisite of a degree in [[physics]] for a degree in [[theology]]. In their time, the highest degree in [[philosophy]]—which included the most advanced knowledge of physics of the day—''was'' a prerequisite before a student was permitted to begin study for a degree in theology ...[[Anthony Kenny|Kenny]] has shown the Aquinas' [[Five Ways (Aquinas)|Five Ways]]—his five proofs of [[Existence of God|God's existence]]—are absolutely dependent on [[Aristotelian physics]]... Aquinas... was one of the leading scholars of Aristotelian physics... and... was primarily responsible for... [its] general acceptance throughout Europe. We could call Aquinas a great physicist as well as a great theologian, for, although Aristotelian physics was wrong, it was an essential precursor of modern physics. ** {{w|Frank J. Tippler}}, ''The Physics of Immortality: Modern Cosmology, God and the Resurrection of the Dead'' (1994) p. 329. <small>Ref: [[Anthony Kenny]], ''The Five Ways: St. Thomas Aquinas' Proof of God's Existence'' (1969) p. 329.</small> * St. Thomas Aquinas ...in the ''Summa'', which remains the greatest work of medieval thought, accepts the idea that certain animals, spring from the decaying bodies of plants and animals, and declares that they are produced by the creative word of God either actually or virtually. He develops this view by saying, "Nothing was made by God, after the six days of creation, absolutely new, but it was in some sense included in the work of the six days"; and that "even new species, if any appear, have existed before in certain native properties, just as animals are produced from putrefaction." ** [[Andrew Dickson White]], ''[[A History of the Warfare of Science with Theology in Christendom]]'' (1896) Vol.1 p. 55 *The life and teaching of St Thomas Aquinas could be summed up in an episode passed down by his ancient biographers. While, as was his wont, the Saint was praying before the Crucifix in the early morning in the chapel of St Nicholas in Naples, Domenico da Caserta, the church sacristan, overheard a conversation. Thomas was anxiously asking whether what he had written on the mysteries of the Christian faith was correct. And the Crucified One answered him: "You have spoken well of me, Thomas. What is your reward to be?". And the answer Thomas gave him was what we too, friends and disciples of Jesus, always want to tell him: '''"Nothing but Yourself, Lord!"''' **[[Pope Benedict XVI]], ''[http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/benedict_xvi/audiences/2010/documents/hf_ben-xvi_aud_20100602_en.html General Audience, 2 June 2010]'' ==See also== * [[Five Ways (Aquinas)]] * [[Transubstantiation]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Aquinas, Thomas}} [[Category:Theologians from Italy]] [[Category:Clergy from Italy]] [[Category:Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Critics of Islam]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Saints]] [[Category:1220s births]] [[Category:1274 deaths]] [[Category:Philosophers from Italy]] [[Category:Jurists from Italy]] [[Category:Latin authors]] [[Category:People from Lazio]] [[Category:Doctors of the Church]] tm8ba3zz4qduze3izkygbxrop4wyswx 0 3418 3954349 3947477 2026-06-19T03:26:55Z Hypnosifl 44684 /* Misattributed */ 3954349 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gramsci.png|thumb|right|The crisis consists precisely in the fact that the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear.]] '''[[w:Antonio Gramsci|Antonio Gramsci]]''' ([[23 January]] [[1891]] – [[27 April]] [[1937]]) was an Italian writer, politician and political theorist. A founding member and onetime leader of the [[w:Italian Communist Party|Communist Party of Italy]], he was imprisoned by [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]]'s [[w:Italian fascism|Fascist]] regime. == Quotes == * To tell the truth, to arrive together at the truth, is a [[communist]] and [[revolutionary]] act. ** Letter from Prison (21 June 1919), translated by [[w:Hamish Henderson|Hamish Henderson]], {{w|Edinburgh University Student Publications}}. * History teaches, but it has no pupils. ** Letter from Prison (21 June 1919), translated by Hamish Henderson, {{w|Edinburgh University Student Publications}}. *The history of [[education]] shows that every class which has sought to take power has prepared itself for power by an autonomous education. The first step in emancipating oneself from political and social [[slavery]] is that of freeing the mind. I put forward this new idea: popular schooling should be placed under the control of the great [[Trade unions|workers’ unions]]. The problem of education is the most important [[class problem]]. ** Cited in Davidson's (1977) Antonio Gramsci: Towards an Intellectual Biography. London: Merlin Press., p. 77. *It is all a matter of comparing one’s own life with something worse and consoling oneself with the relativity of human fortunes. When I was eight or nine I had an experience which came clearly to mind when I read your advice. I used to know a family in a little village near mine: father, mother and sons: they were small landowners and had an inn. Very energetic people, especially the woman. I knew (I had heard) that besides the sons we knew, this woman had another son nobody had seen, who was spoken of in whispers, as if he were a great disgrace for the mother, an idiot, a monster or worse. I remember that my mother referred to this woman often as a martyr, who made great sacrifices for this son, and put up with great sorrows. One Sunday morning about ten, I was sent to this woman’s: I had to deliver some crocheting and get the money. I found her shutting the door, dressed up to go out to mass, she had a hamper under her arm. On seeing me she hesitated then decided. She told me to accompany her to a certain place, and that she would take delivery and give me the money on our return. She took me out of the village, into an orchard filled with rubbish and plaster; in one corner there was a sort of pig sty, about four feet high, and windowless, with only a strong door. She opened the door and I could hear an animal-like howling. Inside was her son, a robust boy of 18, who couldn’t stand up and hence scraped along on his seat to the door, as far as he was permitted to move by a chain linked to his waist and attached to the ring in the wall. He was covered with filth, and his eyes shone red, like those of a nocturnal animal. His mother dumped the contents of her basket – a mixed mess of household leftovers – into a stone trough. She filled another trough with water, and we left. I said nothing to my mother about what I had seen, so great an impression it had made on me, and so convinced was I that nobody would believe me. Nor when I later heard of the misery which had befallen that poor mother, did I interrupt to talk of the misery of the poor human wreck who had such a mother. **Gramsci, 1965, p. 737 cited in Davidson, 1977, p. 35. *When I was a child the boys of the town never came near me except to make fun of me. I was almost always alone. Sometimes, finding me by chance among them, they hurled themselves against me, and not only with words. One day – and while he told me this his great eyes shone with an inner light - … they started to throw stones at me with more violence than usual, with the evilness which is found among children and the weak. I lost patience, and grabbing stones I too started to defend myself with such energy that my attackers were put to flight. Mario, I succeeded in beating them: I terrified them to such an extent that from that day they respected me and no longer annoyed me. I ran to my mother … and told her of my first victorious battle: she kissed me tenderly and it was the best prize that I could have wanted. **Gramsci cited in Garuglieri's Garuglieri, 'Ricordo di Gramsci.' Societa, 691-701., 1946, p. 700. *I can’t think why Delio [son] has not been told that I’m in prison, and why no one reflected that he might then find out about it indirectly, that is, in the most disagreeable way for a child, who then begins to doubt the truthfulness of those educating him, to think about it on his own account and draw apart. At least, that was my experience as a child: I remember it perfectly . . . I believe in treating children as rational creatures with whom it is possible to discuss even the most serious matters. This makes a very profound impression on them, it strengthens their character and above all it avoids leaving their development at the mercy of random environmental pressures and casual, impersonal encounters. It really is very strange how grown-ups forget they were children themselves, and make no use of their own experiences. For my part, I recall vividly how offended I was at every discovery of a subterfuge, even if it was meant to keep painful facts from me, and how this shut me up within myself and made me withdraw. **Gramsci cited in Fiori, 1970, pp. 22-23. *For two years I have lived outside the world: in a dream world. One by one, I let each strand tying me to the world and to my fellow men be cut. I live entirely for the mind, for the heart not at all …. I turned myself into a bear, inside and outside … other people did not exist for me. For perhaps two years, I didn’t laugh once and I didn’t cry … but I never hurt anyone but myself. **Gramsci cited in Davidson, 1977, p. 70. * I’m a [[Pessimism|pessimist]] because of [[intelligence]], but an [[Optimism|optimist]] because of [[Free will|will]]. ** Letter from Prison (19 December 1929); also attributed to [[Romain Rolland]]. [[:w:it:Pessimismo dell'intelligenza, ottimismo della volontà]] * ''La crisi consiste appunto nel fatto che il vecchio muore e il nuovo non può nascere: in questo interregno si verificano i fenomeni morbosi piú svariati.'' :* The crisis consists precisely in the fact that '''the old is dying and the new cannot be born'''; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear. ::* [[:s:it:Pagina:Gramsci - Quaderni del carcere, Einaudi, I.djvu/318|§ (34). ''Passato e presente''.]], ''Quaderni del carcere'', «Ondata di materialismo» e «crisi di autorità », volume I, quaderno 3, p. [https://books.google.com/books?id=9ZcHAQAAIAAJ&q=morbosi 311], written circa 1930 ::* English translation ''Selections from the Prison Notebooks'', ''“Wave of Materialism” and “Crisis of Authority”'' (NY: International Publishers), (1971), pp. 275-276. ::* Prison Notebooks Volume II, Notebook 3, 1930, (2011 edition) SS-34, Past and Present 32-33 * My practicality consists in this: in the knowledge that if you beat your head against the wall it is your head which breaks and not the wall … that is my strength, my only strength. ** quoting a letter to his sister, as reproduced in [https://archive.org/details/modernprinceothe0000unse/page/56/&view=theater "Gramsci in Prison: 1926–1937: Introduction"] from ''The Modern Prince and other Writings'' trans. [[w:Louis Marks|Louis Marks]] (London: Lawrence & Wishart, 1957; New York: International Publishers, 1968), p. 56. ===''Selections from the Prison Notebooks'' (1971)=== :<small>'''Translated & edited by Quintin Hoare and Geoffrey Nowell Smith (London: Lawrence and Wishart; New York: International Publishers, 1971).'''</small> * All men are intellectuals: but not all men have in society the function of intellectuals. * Economy and ideology. The claim (presented as an essential postulate of [[historical materialism]]) that every fluctuation of politics and ideology can be presented and expounded as an immediate expression of the structure, must be contested in theory as primitive infantilism, and combated in practice with the authentic testimony of Marx, the author of concrete political and historical works. * [[History]] is at once freedom and necessity. * We can see that in putting the question "what is man?" what we mean is: what can man become? That is, can man dominate his own destiny, can he "make himself," can he create his own life? We maintain therefore that man is a process and, more exactly, the process of his actions. If you think about it, the question itself "what is man?" is not an abstract or "objective" question. It is born of our reflection about ourselves and about others, and we want to know, in relation to what we have thought and seen, what we are and what we can become; whether we really are, and if so to what extent, "makers of our own selves," of our life and of our destiny. And we want to know this "today," in the given conditions of today, the conditions of our daily life, not of any life or any man * Revolutionaries see history as a creation of their own spirit, as being made up of a continuous series of violent tugs at the other forces of society - both active and passive, and they prepare the maximum of favourable conditions for the definitive tug (revolution). * Every social stratum has its own "common sense" which is ultimately the most widespread conception of life and morals. Every philosophical current leaves a sedimentation of "common sense": this is the document of its historical reality. Common sense is not something rigid and static; rather, it changes continuously, enriched by scientific notions and philosophical opinions which have entered common usage. "Common sense" is the folklore of philosophy and stands midway between "folklore" proper (that is, as it is understood) and the philosophy, the science, the economics of the scholars. "Common sense" creates the folklore of the future, that is a more or less rigidified phase of popular knowledge a certain time and place. {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * To tell the truth is revolutionary. ** The first number of ''L'Ordine Nuovo'', edited by Gramsci, appeared in 1921 with this motto of {{w|Ferdinand Lassalle}} on the first page. It is often misattributed to Gramsci. [[File:Rudi.jpg|thumb|upright|''The long march through the institutions,'' {{w|Rudi Dutschke}}]] * The long march through the institutions. ** Due to {{w|German student movement}} leader {{w|Rudi Dutschke}}, who coined it in 1967 as „Der lange Marsch durch die Institutionen“. *** See [http://carldavidson.blogspot.com/2006/04/strategy-hegemony-long-march.html Strategy, Hegemony & ‘The Long March’: Gramsci’s Lessons for the Antiwar Movement], by Carl Davidson, April 06, 2006. *** It was popularized in the {{w|protests of 1968}}, and Dutschke’s posthumous 1980 work is titled ''Mein langer Marsch'' (''My long March''). *** See [[:de:Marsch durch die Institutionen|Marsch durch die Institutionen]] at German Wikipedia for extensive discussion. *** A reference to the {{w|Long March}} of the Chinese Communist Red Army in 1934 & 1935; note that Gramsci died in 1937. *** Various corruptions include “through the culture” or “slow march”. ** Widely attributed to Gramsci, [http://english.nd.edu/faculty/profiles/joseph-a-buttigieg/ Joseph A. Buttigieg], the editor of the English critical edition of Gramsci’s ''Prison Notebooks'' asserts that the phrase does not originate with Gramsci. *** Footnote 21, page 50, reads: [“long march through the institutions”²¹] “This phrase is not Gramsci’s, even though it is ubiquitously attributed to him.” *** {{Cite journal | doi = 10.1215/01903659-32-1-33 | issn = 0190-3659 | volume = 32 | issue = 1 | pages = 33-52 | last = Buttigieg | first = Joseph A. | title = The Contemporary Discourse on Civil Society: A Gramscian Critique | journal = boundary 2 | accessdate = 2010-06-30 | date = 2005 | url = http://boundary2.dukejournals.org/cgi/pdf_extract/32/1/33 }} *** The idea is connected with Gramsci's theory of {{w|cultural hegemony}}, but does not originate with him – he called the concept a “war of position”. * The old world is dying, and the new world struggles to be born: now is the time of monsters. ** Loose translation, commonly attributed to Gramsci by [[Slavoj Žižek]], presumably formulation by Žižek (see below). ** Presumably a translation from a loose French translation by Gustave Massiah; strict English with cognate terms and glosses: *** ''Le vieux monde se meurt, le nouveau monde tarde à apparaître et dans ce clair-obscur surgissent les monstres'' **** The old world is dying, the new world is slow to appear and in this chiaroscuro (light-dark) surge (emerge) monsters. *** “[http://www.liberationafrique.org/imprimersans.php3?id_article=16&nom_site=Lib%C3%A9ration Mongo Beti, une conscience noire, africaine, universelle]”, [[w:fr:Gustave Massiah|Gustave Massiah]], [[w:fr:Centre d'études et d'initiatives de solidarité internationale|CEDETIM]], août 2002 ([https://web.archive.org/web/20160304061734/http://www.liberationafrique.org/imprimersans.php3?id_article=16&nom_site=Lib%C3%A9ration archive], 2016-03-04) **** “Mongo Beti, a Black, African, Universal Conscience”, [[w:Gustave Massiah|Gustave Massiah]], CEDETIM, August 2002 *** Collected in: ''Remember Mongo Beti'', Ambroise Kom, 2003, [https://books.google.com/books?id=6YgdAQAAIAAJ&q=%22Le+vieux+monde+se+meurt,+le+nouveau+monde+tarde+%C3%A0+appara%C3%AEtre+et+dans+ce+clair-obscur+surgissent+les+monstres%22 p. 149]. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/feb/14/the-time-of-monsters-everyone-is-quoting-gramsci-but-what-did-he-actually-say This article in the Guardian] notes that French translations mentioning "monstres" were in circulation prior to Gustave Massiah's piece, for example in a [https://www.lemonde.fr/archives/article/1996/08/24/une-boussole-au-coeur-des-humains_3722999_1819218.html 1996 article from Le Monde] which attributed to Gramsci the quote « L'ancien se meurt, le nouveau ne parvient pas à voir le jour : dans cet interrègne surgissent les monstres ». ** Original, with literal English translation (from [https://archive.org/details/AntonioGramsciSelectionsFromThePrisonNotebooks/page/n369/mode/2up p. 276] of ''Selections from the Prison Notebooks''): *** ''La crisi consiste appunto nel fatto che il vecchio muore e il nuovo non può nascere: in questo interregno si verificano i fenomeni morbosi piú svariati.'' *** The crisis consists precisely in the fact that the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear. ** Similar sentiments are widespread in revolutionary rhetoric; see: [http://thecharnelhouse.org/2015/07/03/no-zizek-did-not-attribute-a-goebbels-quote-to-gramsci/ No, Žižek did not attribute a Goebbels quote to Gramsci], Ross Wolfe, 2015-07-03 {{Misattributed end}} ==About Gramsci== * The international disputes which united and divided [[Rosa Luxemburg|Luxemburg]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]], [[György Lukács|Lukács]], Gramsci, [[w:Amadeo_Bordiga|Bordiga]] or [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]] on these issues represent the last great strategic debate in the [[Europe|European]] workers’ movement. Since then, there has been little significant theoretical development of the political problems of [[Revolution|revolutionary]] strategy in metropolitan [[capitalism]] that has had any direct contact with the masses. The structural divorce between original [[Marxism|Marxist]] theory and the main organizations of the [[working class]] in Europe has yet to be historically resolved. The May-June revolt in [[France]], the upheaval in [[Portugal]], the approaching dénouement in [[Spain]], presage the end of this long divorce, but have not accomplished it. The classical debates, therefore, still remain in many respects the most advanced limit of reference we possess today. It is thus not mere archaism to recall the strategic confrontations which occurred four or five decades ago. To reappropriate them, on the contrary, is a step towards a Marxist discussion that has the—necessarily modest—hope of assuming an ‘initial shape’ of correct theory today. [[Regis Debray|Régis Debray]] has spoken, in a famous paragraph, of the constant difficulty of being contemporary with our present. In Europe at least, we have yet to be sufficiently contemporary with our past. ** [[Perry Anderson]], "The Antinomies of Antonio Gramsci", ''New Left Review'' (1976) * We must prevent this [[brain]] from functioning for twenty years. **Prosecutor at Gramsci's criminal trial, quoted ''Prison Notebooks'' translated by [[w:Joseph_Buttigieg|Joseph A. Buttigieg]] *oftentimes prison writing is described as that which is produced in prison or by prisoners, and certainly Gramsci's prison notebooks provide the most interesting example. **2003 interview in ''Conversations with [[Angela Davis]]'' Edited by Sharon Lynette Jones (2021) *I always think of a line from Gramsci, "living in the interregnum." **[[Nadine Gordimer]] [https://progressive.org/magazine/interview-nadine-gordimer/ Interview] with ''Progressive'' Magazine (1992) * Gramsci deviated from the Marxist belief that the inherent contradictions of capitalism would of themselves usher in socialism. He was opposed to the iron control of a Leninist revolutionary vanguard. Revolution, he wrote, would only be achieved when the masses had gained enough consciousness to exert personal autonomy and see through the mores, stereotypes and narratives disseminated by the dominant culture. Revolutionary change required the intellectual ability to understand reality. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/antonio-gramsci-and-the-battle-against-fascism/ Antonio Gramsci and the Battle Against Fascism]. {{w|Truthdig}} (2017) *Antonio Gramsci wisely wrote: "When a politician puts pressure on the art of his time to express a particular cultural world, his activity is one of politics, not of artistic criticism. If the cultural world for which one is fighting is a living and necessary fact, its expansiveness will be irresistible and it will find its artists." **[[Margaret Randall]] Introduction in ''Only the Road / Solo el Camino: Eight Decades of Cuban Poetry'' (2016) *Antonio Gramsci wrote of the culture of the future that "new" individual artists can't be manufactured: art is a part of society-but that to imagine a new socialist society is to imagine a new kind of art that we can't foresee from where we now stand. "One must speak," Gramsci wrote, "of a struggle for a new culture, that is, for a new moral life that cannot but be intimately connected to a new intuition of life, until it becomes a new way of feeling and seeing reality and, therefore, a world intimately ingrained in 'possible artists' and 'possible works of art." **[[Adrienne Rich]] ''A Human Eye'' (2009) == See also == {{Wikipedia}} * "Looking Through Gramsci's Eyes" by Kevin Mitanidis {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gramsci, Antonio}} [[Category:1891 births]] [[Category:1937 deaths]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-imperialists]] [[Category:Critical theory]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Philosophers from Italy]] [[Category:Marxist humanists]] [[Category:Editors]] [[Category:People from Sardinia]] [[Category:Communists from Italy]] [[Category:Left communists]] [[Category:Prisoners]] nk74wtwacztvuxzgbfue81fk402xkpb 3954350 3954349 2026-06-19T03:30:44Z Hypnosifl 44684 /* Misattributed */ Given earlier translation in Le Monde, not clear Zizek was referencing Massiah specifically 3954350 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Gramsci.png|thumb|right|The crisis consists precisely in the fact that the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear.]] '''[[w:Antonio Gramsci|Antonio Gramsci]]''' ([[23 January]] [[1891]] – [[27 April]] [[1937]]) was an Italian writer, politician and political theorist. A founding member and onetime leader of the [[w:Italian Communist Party|Communist Party of Italy]], he was imprisoned by [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]]'s [[w:Italian fascism|Fascist]] regime. == Quotes == * To tell the truth, to arrive together at the truth, is a [[communist]] and [[revolutionary]] act. ** Letter from Prison (21 June 1919), translated by [[w:Hamish Henderson|Hamish Henderson]], {{w|Edinburgh University Student Publications}}. * History teaches, but it has no pupils. ** Letter from Prison (21 June 1919), translated by Hamish Henderson, {{w|Edinburgh University Student Publications}}. *The history of [[education]] shows that every class which has sought to take power has prepared itself for power by an autonomous education. The first step in emancipating oneself from political and social [[slavery]] is that of freeing the mind. I put forward this new idea: popular schooling should be placed under the control of the great [[Trade unions|workers’ unions]]. The problem of education is the most important [[class problem]]. ** Cited in Davidson's (1977) Antonio Gramsci: Towards an Intellectual Biography. London: Merlin Press., p. 77. *It is all a matter of comparing one’s own life with something worse and consoling oneself with the relativity of human fortunes. When I was eight or nine I had an experience which came clearly to mind when I read your advice. I used to know a family in a little village near mine: father, mother and sons: they were small landowners and had an inn. Very energetic people, especially the woman. I knew (I had heard) that besides the sons we knew, this woman had another son nobody had seen, who was spoken of in whispers, as if he were a great disgrace for the mother, an idiot, a monster or worse. I remember that my mother referred to this woman often as a martyr, who made great sacrifices for this son, and put up with great sorrows. One Sunday morning about ten, I was sent to this woman’s: I had to deliver some crocheting and get the money. I found her shutting the door, dressed up to go out to mass, she had a hamper under her arm. On seeing me she hesitated then decided. She told me to accompany her to a certain place, and that she would take delivery and give me the money on our return. She took me out of the village, into an orchard filled with rubbish and plaster; in one corner there was a sort of pig sty, about four feet high, and windowless, with only a strong door. She opened the door and I could hear an animal-like howling. Inside was her son, a robust boy of 18, who couldn’t stand up and hence scraped along on his seat to the door, as far as he was permitted to move by a chain linked to his waist and attached to the ring in the wall. He was covered with filth, and his eyes shone red, like those of a nocturnal animal. His mother dumped the contents of her basket – a mixed mess of household leftovers – into a stone trough. She filled another trough with water, and we left. I said nothing to my mother about what I had seen, so great an impression it had made on me, and so convinced was I that nobody would believe me. Nor when I later heard of the misery which had befallen that poor mother, did I interrupt to talk of the misery of the poor human wreck who had such a mother. **Gramsci, 1965, p. 737 cited in Davidson, 1977, p. 35. *When I was a child the boys of the town never came near me except to make fun of me. I was almost always alone. Sometimes, finding me by chance among them, they hurled themselves against me, and not only with words. One day – and while he told me this his great eyes shone with an inner light - … they started to throw stones at me with more violence than usual, with the evilness which is found among children and the weak. I lost patience, and grabbing stones I too started to defend myself with such energy that my attackers were put to flight. Mario, I succeeded in beating them: I terrified them to such an extent that from that day they respected me and no longer annoyed me. I ran to my mother … and told her of my first victorious battle: she kissed me tenderly and it was the best prize that I could have wanted. **Gramsci cited in Garuglieri's Garuglieri, 'Ricordo di Gramsci.' Societa, 691-701., 1946, p. 700. *I can’t think why Delio [son] has not been told that I’m in prison, and why no one reflected that he might then find out about it indirectly, that is, in the most disagreeable way for a child, who then begins to doubt the truthfulness of those educating him, to think about it on his own account and draw apart. At least, that was my experience as a child: I remember it perfectly . . . I believe in treating children as rational creatures with whom it is possible to discuss even the most serious matters. This makes a very profound impression on them, it strengthens their character and above all it avoids leaving their development at the mercy of random environmental pressures and casual, impersonal encounters. It really is very strange how grown-ups forget they were children themselves, and make no use of their own experiences. For my part, I recall vividly how offended I was at every discovery of a subterfuge, even if it was meant to keep painful facts from me, and how this shut me up within myself and made me withdraw. **Gramsci cited in Fiori, 1970, pp. 22-23. *For two years I have lived outside the world: in a dream world. One by one, I let each strand tying me to the world and to my fellow men be cut. I live entirely for the mind, for the heart not at all …. I turned myself into a bear, inside and outside … other people did not exist for me. For perhaps two years, I didn’t laugh once and I didn’t cry … but I never hurt anyone but myself. **Gramsci cited in Davidson, 1977, p. 70. * I’m a [[Pessimism|pessimist]] because of [[intelligence]], but an [[Optimism|optimist]] because of [[Free will|will]]. ** Letter from Prison (19 December 1929); also attributed to [[Romain Rolland]]. [[:w:it:Pessimismo dell'intelligenza, ottimismo della volontà]] * ''La crisi consiste appunto nel fatto che il vecchio muore e il nuovo non può nascere: in questo interregno si verificano i fenomeni morbosi piú svariati.'' :* The crisis consists precisely in the fact that '''the old is dying and the new cannot be born'''; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear. ::* [[:s:it:Pagina:Gramsci - Quaderni del carcere, Einaudi, I.djvu/318|§ (34). ''Passato e presente''.]], ''Quaderni del carcere'', «Ondata di materialismo» e «crisi di autorità », volume I, quaderno 3, p. [https://books.google.com/books?id=9ZcHAQAAIAAJ&q=morbosi 311], written circa 1930 ::* English translation ''Selections from the Prison Notebooks'', ''“Wave of Materialism” and “Crisis of Authority”'' (NY: International Publishers), (1971), pp. 275-276. ::* Prison Notebooks Volume II, Notebook 3, 1930, (2011 edition) SS-34, Past and Present 32-33 * My practicality consists in this: in the knowledge that if you beat your head against the wall it is your head which breaks and not the wall … that is my strength, my only strength. ** quoting a letter to his sister, as reproduced in [https://archive.org/details/modernprinceothe0000unse/page/56/&view=theater "Gramsci in Prison: 1926–1937: Introduction"] from ''The Modern Prince and other Writings'' trans. [[w:Louis Marks|Louis Marks]] (London: Lawrence & Wishart, 1957; New York: International Publishers, 1968), p. 56. ===''Selections from the Prison Notebooks'' (1971)=== :<small>'''Translated & edited by Quintin Hoare and Geoffrey Nowell Smith (London: Lawrence and Wishart; New York: International Publishers, 1971).'''</small> * All men are intellectuals: but not all men have in society the function of intellectuals. * Economy and ideology. The claim (presented as an essential postulate of [[historical materialism]]) that every fluctuation of politics and ideology can be presented and expounded as an immediate expression of the structure, must be contested in theory as primitive infantilism, and combated in practice with the authentic testimony of Marx, the author of concrete political and historical works. * [[History]] is at once freedom and necessity. * We can see that in putting the question "what is man?" what we mean is: what can man become? That is, can man dominate his own destiny, can he "make himself," can he create his own life? We maintain therefore that man is a process and, more exactly, the process of his actions. If you think about it, the question itself "what is man?" is not an abstract or "objective" question. It is born of our reflection about ourselves and about others, and we want to know, in relation to what we have thought and seen, what we are and what we can become; whether we really are, and if so to what extent, "makers of our own selves," of our life and of our destiny. And we want to know this "today," in the given conditions of today, the conditions of our daily life, not of any life or any man * Revolutionaries see history as a creation of their own spirit, as being made up of a continuous series of violent tugs at the other forces of society - both active and passive, and they prepare the maximum of favourable conditions for the definitive tug (revolution). * Every social stratum has its own "common sense" which is ultimately the most widespread conception of life and morals. Every philosophical current leaves a sedimentation of "common sense": this is the document of its historical reality. Common sense is not something rigid and static; rather, it changes continuously, enriched by scientific notions and philosophical opinions which have entered common usage. "Common sense" is the folklore of philosophy and stands midway between "folklore" proper (that is, as it is understood) and the philosophy, the science, the economics of the scholars. "Common sense" creates the folklore of the future, that is a more or less rigidified phase of popular knowledge a certain time and place. {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * To tell the truth is revolutionary. ** The first number of ''L'Ordine Nuovo'', edited by Gramsci, appeared in 1921 with this motto of {{w|Ferdinand Lassalle}} on the first page. It is often misattributed to Gramsci. [[File:Rudi.jpg|thumb|upright|''The long march through the institutions,'' {{w|Rudi Dutschke}}]] * The long march through the institutions. ** Due to {{w|German student movement}} leader {{w|Rudi Dutschke}}, who coined it in 1967 as „Der lange Marsch durch die Institutionen“. *** See [http://carldavidson.blogspot.com/2006/04/strategy-hegemony-long-march.html Strategy, Hegemony & ‘The Long March’: Gramsci’s Lessons for the Antiwar Movement], by Carl Davidson, April 06, 2006. *** It was popularized in the {{w|protests of 1968}}, and Dutschke’s posthumous 1980 work is titled ''Mein langer Marsch'' (''My long March''). *** See [[:de:Marsch durch die Institutionen|Marsch durch die Institutionen]] at German Wikipedia for extensive discussion. *** A reference to the {{w|Long March}} of the Chinese Communist Red Army in 1934 & 1935; note that Gramsci died in 1937. *** Various corruptions include “through the culture” or “slow march”. ** Widely attributed to Gramsci, [http://english.nd.edu/faculty/profiles/joseph-a-buttigieg/ Joseph A. Buttigieg], the editor of the English critical edition of Gramsci’s ''Prison Notebooks'' asserts that the phrase does not originate with Gramsci. *** Footnote 21, page 50, reads: [“long march through the institutions”²¹] “This phrase is not Gramsci’s, even though it is ubiquitously attributed to him.” *** {{Cite journal | doi = 10.1215/01903659-32-1-33 | issn = 0190-3659 | volume = 32 | issue = 1 | pages = 33-52 | last = Buttigieg | first = Joseph A. | title = The Contemporary Discourse on Civil Society: A Gramscian Critique | journal = boundary 2 | accessdate = 2010-06-30 | date = 2005 | url = http://boundary2.dukejournals.org/cgi/pdf_extract/32/1/33 }} *** The idea is connected with Gramsci's theory of {{w|cultural hegemony}}, but does not originate with him – he called the concept a “war of position”. * The old world is dying, and the new world struggles to be born: now is the time of monsters. ** Loose translation, commonly attributed to Gramsci by [[Slavoj Žižek]], presumably formulation by Žižek (see below). ** Perhaps an English translation of one of various similar loose French translations that had appeared earlier. For example, here is one from Gustave Massiah, followed by strict English with cognate terms and glosses: *** ''Le vieux monde se meurt, le nouveau monde tarde à apparaître et dans ce clair-obscur surgissent les monstres'' **** The old world is dying, the new world is slow to appear and in this chiaroscuro (light-dark) surge (emerge) monsters. *** “[http://www.liberationafrique.org/imprimersans.php3?id_article=16&nom_site=Lib%C3%A9ration Mongo Beti, une conscience noire, africaine, universelle]”, [[w:fr:Gustave Massiah|Gustave Massiah]], [[w:fr:Centre d'études et d'initiatives de solidarité internationale|CEDETIM]], août 2002 ([https://web.archive.org/web/20160304061734/http://www.liberationafrique.org/imprimersans.php3?id_article=16&nom_site=Lib%C3%A9ration archive], 2016-03-04) **** “Mongo Beti, a Black, African, Universal Conscience”, [[w:Gustave Massiah|Gustave Massiah]], CEDETIM, August 2002 *** Collected in: ''Remember Mongo Beti'', Ambroise Kom, 2003, [https://books.google.com/books?id=6YgdAQAAIAAJ&q=%22Le+vieux+monde+se+meurt,+le+nouveau+monde+tarde+%C3%A0+appara%C3%AEtre+et+dans+ce+clair-obscur+surgissent+les+monstres%22 p. 149]. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/feb/14/the-time-of-monsters-everyone-is-quoting-gramsci-but-what-did-he-actually-say This article in the Guardian] notes that French translations mentioning "monstres" were in circulation prior to Gustave Massiah's piece, for example in a [https://www.lemonde.fr/archives/article/1996/08/24/une-boussole-au-coeur-des-humains_3722999_1819218.html 1996 article from Le Monde] which attributed to Gramsci the quote « L'ancien se meurt, le nouveau ne parvient pas à voir le jour : dans cet interrègne surgissent les monstres ». ** Original, with literal English translation (from [https://archive.org/details/AntonioGramsciSelectionsFromThePrisonNotebooks/page/n369/mode/2up p. 276] of ''Selections from the Prison Notebooks''): *** ''La crisi consiste appunto nel fatto che il vecchio muore e il nuovo non può nascere: in questo interregno si verificano i fenomeni morbosi piú svariati.'' *** The crisis consists precisely in the fact that the old is dying and the new cannot be born; in this interregnum a great variety of morbid symptoms appear. ** Similar sentiments are widespread in revolutionary rhetoric; see: [http://thecharnelhouse.org/2015/07/03/no-zizek-did-not-attribute-a-goebbels-quote-to-gramsci/ No, Žižek did not attribute a Goebbels quote to Gramsci], Ross Wolfe, 2015-07-03 {{Misattributed end}} ==About Gramsci== * The international disputes which united and divided [[Rosa Luxemburg|Luxemburg]], [[Vladimir Lenin|Lenin]], [[György Lukács|Lukács]], Gramsci, [[w:Amadeo_Bordiga|Bordiga]] or [[Leon Trotsky|Trotsky]] on these issues represent the last great strategic debate in the [[Europe|European]] workers’ movement. Since then, there has been little significant theoretical development of the political problems of [[Revolution|revolutionary]] strategy in metropolitan [[capitalism]] that has had any direct contact with the masses. The structural divorce between original [[Marxism|Marxist]] theory and the main organizations of the [[working class]] in Europe has yet to be historically resolved. The May-June revolt in [[France]], the upheaval in [[Portugal]], the approaching dénouement in [[Spain]], presage the end of this long divorce, but have not accomplished it. The classical debates, therefore, still remain in many respects the most advanced limit of reference we possess today. It is thus not mere archaism to recall the strategic confrontations which occurred four or five decades ago. To reappropriate them, on the contrary, is a step towards a Marxist discussion that has the—necessarily modest—hope of assuming an ‘initial shape’ of correct theory today. [[Regis Debray|Régis Debray]] has spoken, in a famous paragraph, of the constant difficulty of being contemporary with our present. In Europe at least, we have yet to be sufficiently contemporary with our past. ** [[Perry Anderson]], "The Antinomies of Antonio Gramsci", ''New Left Review'' (1976) * We must prevent this [[brain]] from functioning for twenty years. **Prosecutor at Gramsci's criminal trial, quoted ''Prison Notebooks'' translated by [[w:Joseph_Buttigieg|Joseph A. Buttigieg]] *oftentimes prison writing is described as that which is produced in prison or by prisoners, and certainly Gramsci's prison notebooks provide the most interesting example. **2003 interview in ''Conversations with [[Angela Davis]]'' Edited by Sharon Lynette Jones (2021) *I always think of a line from Gramsci, "living in the interregnum." **[[Nadine Gordimer]] [https://progressive.org/magazine/interview-nadine-gordimer/ Interview] with ''Progressive'' Magazine (1992) * Gramsci deviated from the Marxist belief that the inherent contradictions of capitalism would of themselves usher in socialism. He was opposed to the iron control of a Leninist revolutionary vanguard. Revolution, he wrote, would only be achieved when the masses had gained enough consciousness to exert personal autonomy and see through the mores, stereotypes and narratives disseminated by the dominant culture. Revolutionary change required the intellectual ability to understand reality. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.truthdig.com/articles/antonio-gramsci-and-the-battle-against-fascism/ Antonio Gramsci and the Battle Against Fascism]. {{w|Truthdig}} (2017) *Antonio Gramsci wisely wrote: "When a politician puts pressure on the art of his time to express a particular cultural world, his activity is one of politics, not of artistic criticism. If the cultural world for which one is fighting is a living and necessary fact, its expansiveness will be irresistible and it will find its artists." **[[Margaret Randall]] Introduction in ''Only the Road / Solo el Camino: Eight Decades of Cuban Poetry'' (2016) *Antonio Gramsci wrote of the culture of the future that "new" individual artists can't be manufactured: art is a part of society-but that to imagine a new socialist society is to imagine a new kind of art that we can't foresee from where we now stand. "One must speak," Gramsci wrote, "of a struggle for a new culture, that is, for a new moral life that cannot but be intimately connected to a new intuition of life, until it becomes a new way of feeling and seeing reality and, therefore, a world intimately ingrained in 'possible artists' and 'possible works of art." **[[Adrienne Rich]] ''A Human Eye'' (2009) == See also == {{Wikipedia}} * "Looking Through Gramsci's Eyes" by Kevin Mitanidis {{Social and political philosophers}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gramsci, Antonio}} [[Category:1891 births]] [[Category:1937 deaths]] [[Category:Anti-fascists]] [[Category:Anti-imperialists]] [[Category:Critical theory]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Politicians from Italy]] [[Category:Philosophers from Italy]] [[Category:Marxist humanists]] [[Category:Editors]] [[Category:People from Sardinia]] [[Category:Communists from Italy]] [[Category:Left communists]] [[Category:Prisoners]] jm4j3yyv1yzve9nq6i1leycv6zp626t 0 3614 3954361 3949124 2026-06-19T08:05:43Z Cloud200 375597 /* 2006 */ "In 2008, I will join the opposition and criticise the government" 3954361 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Vladimir Putin - 2006.jpg|thumb|We will not allow the past to drag us down and stop us from moving ahead. We understand where we should move.]] '''[[w:Vladimir Putin|Vladimir Putin]]''' (born [[7 October]] [[1952]]) is a [[Russian]] [[politician]] and former intelligence officer who is the president of [[Russia]], a position he has held since 2012, and previously from 2000 until 2008. Putin is the second-longest current serving European president after [[Alexander Lukashenko]] of neighbouring [[Belarus]]. :'''''See also [[New Year Address by the President of Russia]], [[Putinism]]''''' ==Quotes== [[File:Graph (military spenders).jpg|thumb|Comrade Wolf knows who to eat, as the saying goes. It knows who to eat and is not about to listen to anyone. (On the U.S., whose military budget is 25 times bigger than Russia's)]] [[File:Putin (cropped).jpg|thumb|People are always teaching us democracy but the people who teach us [[democracy]] don't want to learn it themselves.]] [[File:Russia.VladimirPutin.02.jpg|thumb|It's extremely dangerous trying to resolve political problems outside the framework of [[Rule of law|the law.]]]] [[File:Gandhi 1944.jpg|thumb|There is no one to talk to since Mahatma Gandhi died.]] [[File:Vladimir Putin at the Millennium Summit 6-8 September 2000-19.jpg|thumb|This is our final choice, and we have no way back. There can be no return to what we used to have before.]] [[File:Russian Police car Tver.jpg|thumb|You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you...]] [[File:Beslan_kollazh.jpg|thumb|Why should we talk to people who are child-killers? No one has a moral right to tell us to talk to child-killers.]] [[File:Beslan_foto_pogibshih.jpg|thumb|No matter how targeted the strikes or how sophisticated the weapons, civilian casualties are inevitable, including the elderly and children...We must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilized diplomatic and political settlement.]] [[File:Greek Galleys.jpg|thumb|I have worked like a galley slave throughout these eight years, morning till night, and I have given all I could to this work. I am happy with the results.]] [[File:Vladimir Putin in the United States 13-16 November 2001-48.jpg|thumb|I bow my head to the victims of terrorism.]] [[File:911 Tribute (perspective fixed).jpg|thumb|I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win!]] [[File:Большая эмблема Воздушно-десантных войск России.png|thumb|If a fight is inevitable, go and fight first.]] [[File:Vladimir Putin and Oliver Stone (2017-12-01) 02.jpg|thumb|[President Putin has] "achieved great respect in Russia. ... he is very popular because of what he's done. And he did it by the law of Russia, which was of course, two terms, and then he became prime minister, and then went back to being president for two more.... Putin is the most mature statesman in the whole world right now. He... sees the world as needing balance... not...dominated by the United States." [https://www.businessinsider.com/oliver-stone-bush-biopic-w-militarization-more-dangerous-than-trump-2018-10 Oliver Stone, (29 October 2018)] ]] [[File:Békegong.jpg|thumb|Russia is in favor of a multipolar world, a democratic world order, strengthening the system of international law, and for developing a legal system in which any small country, even a very small country, can feel itself secure, as if behind a stone wall.]] === 1990s === * We will chase [[Terrorism|terrorists]] everywhere. If in an airport, then in the airport. So if we find them in the toilet, excuse me, '''we'll rub them out in the outhouse'''. And that's it, case closed. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/9-vladimir-putin-quotes-that-offer-terrifying-insights-into-his-mind-a7796061.html Responding to a journalist's question when visiting Dagestan.] (1999) ===2000s=== ====2000==== * '''Anyone who doesn't regret the passing of the [[Soviet Union]] has no heart, Anyone who wants it restored has no brains.''' ** [https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/library/world/europe/022000russia-putin.html Putin Retains Soviet Discipline While Steering Toward Reform] (20 February 2000) * '''There is no such thing as a former [[KGB]] man.''' ** [http://vesti.lenta.ru/editor/2000/05/06/pobeda/ Responding to Prime Minister Sergei Stepashin, who called himself a former KGB officer.] (May 6, 2000) ====2001==== *'''I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. I am highly impressed of the courage of [[New York City|New York]] residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win!''' **[http://web.archive.org/web/20031117142036/http://www.kremlin.ru/events/photos/2001/11/39974.shtml Inscription at the World Trade Center Memorial Wall] (15 November 2001). ====2002==== * [[Ukraine]] is an independent, sovereign state and will choose its own path to peace and security. . . . Such a conversation would be entirely appropriate and entirely possible. I certainly don’t see there being anything particularly tricky here, anything that need or that could cast a shadow over relations between Russia and Ukraine. ** About Ukraine seeking membership in Nato, after the Nato–Russia Council was created at the Nato summit in Rome, May 28, 2002, quoted in [https://www.atlanticcouncil.org/blogs/new-atlanticist/russia-must-also-hit-the-reset-button/ "Russia Must Also Hit the Reset Button"], Atlantic Council, 1 April 2009 <!-- [http://www.usubc.org/keyissues/russia_reset040109.php]{{deadlink}} --> * Russia does not have in its possession any trustworthy [[data]] that supports the existence of [[nuclear weapons]] or any [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]] in Iraq and we have not received any such information from our partners as yet. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,810093,00.html News conference] with then British Prime Minister [[Tony Blair]], October 2002. * If you are determined to become a complete [[Radical Islam|Islamic radical]] and are ready to undergo [[circumcision]], then I invite you to [[Moscow]]. We are multi-confessional. We have experts in this sphere as well. I will recommend to conduct the operation so that nothing on you will grow again. ** Commenting to a journalist from ''Le Monde'' after a summit meeting with leaders from the European Union (11 November 2002), as cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/13/world/why-putin-boils-over-chechnya-is-his-personal-war.html "Why Putin Boils Over: Chechnya Is His Personal War"], ''The New York Times'' (13 November 2002). ====2003==== * Two weeks later they still have not been found. The question is, where is [[Saddam Hussein]]? Where are those [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], if they were ever in existence? Is Saddam Hussein in a bunker sitting on cases containing weapons of mass destruction, preparing to blow the whole place up? ** In a Press conference, regarding the weapon of mass destruction of Iraq. (May 1, 2003)[https://archive.is/20130705182739/www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_1-5-2003_pg4_1] * ''Надо исполнять закон всегда, а не только тогда, когда схватили за одно место.'' ** ''Translation:'' '''You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place.''' ** Interview, [[4 November]] [[2003]] ====2004==== * Why don't you meet [[Osama bin Laden]], invite him to [[Brussels]] or to the [[White House]] and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace? You find it possible to set some limitations in your dealings with these bastards, so '''why should we talk to people who are child-killers? No one has a moral right to tell us to talk to childkillers.''' ** In response to those who called Putin to enter talks with Chechen separatists after the [[Beslan school hostage crisis]], in September 2004 ** {{cite news | title=Putin rejects "child-killer talks" | publisher=[[BBC News]]| date=2004-09-07 | url=http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3633668.stm | accessdate=2006-07-07 }} * ''Понятно, что надо больше платить, это самый простой вариант, не всегда возможный,(но простой) но способов решения проблемы много'' ** ''Translation:'' It is clear that we have to pay more, it is the simple option, not always affordable, ("but simple," said in actual recording) but the ways to solve the problem are many. ** On human capital flight, in address to Committee for Education, Science and Technology (26 October 2004). * The democratic choice [[Russians|Russian people]] made in the early 90's is final. ** Interview in Brazil for space talks, (22 November 2004). * It's extremely dangerous trying to resolve political problems outside the framework of the law — first the ‘[[w:Rose Revolution|Rose Revolution]]', then they'll think up something like blue. ''[word play here: "rose" having the colloquial sense of "[[lesbian]]" in modern [[Russian language|Russian]], and "blue" meaning "[[Gay men|gay]]"]'' ** On the "{{w|Orange Revolution}}" in Ukraine and the "{{w|Rose Revolution}}" in Georgia, [http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/markets/russia/article405454.ece News conference], (23 December 2004). ====2005==== * Above all, we should acknowledge that the [[w:Collapse_of_the_Soviet_Union|collapse of the Soviet Union]] was a major geopolitical disaster of the century. As for the Russian nation, it became a genuine drama. Tens of millions of our co-citizens and compatriots found themselves outside Russian territory. Moreover, the epidemic of disintegration infected Russia itself. ** “[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/22931 Annual Address to the Federal Assembly of the Russian Federation],” ''President of Russia'' ** (Прежде всего следует признать, что крушение Советского Союза было крупнейшей геополитической катастрофой века. Для российского же народа оно стало настоящей драмой. Десятки миллионов наших сограждан и соотечественников оказались за пределами российской территории. Эпидемия распада к тому же перекинулась на саму Россию.) *** [http://kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/22931 Russian-language original] * Russia has made its choice in favor of [[democracy]]. Fourteen years ago, independently, without any pressure from outside, it made that decision in the interests of itself and interests of its people — of its citizens. This is our final choice, and we have no way back. There can be no return to what we used to have before. And the guarantee for this is the choice of the [[Russians|Russian people]], themselves. No, guarantees from outside cannot be provided. This is impossible. It would be impossible for Russia today. Any kind of turn towards [[totalitarianism]] for Russia would be impossible, due to the condition of the Russian society. ** [http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2005/02/20050224-9.html Joint press conference with President George Bush in 2005, Slovakia] * People in Russia say that those who do not regret the collapse of the Soviet Union have no heart, and those that do regret it have no brain. We do not regret this, we simply state the fact and know that we need to look ahead, not backwards. '''We will not allow the past to drag us down and stop us from moving ahead. We understand where we should move.''' But we must act based on a clear understanding of what happened.. ** Interview with German television channel ARD and ZDF, May 2005. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/22948 Kremlin, RU,] (May 2005) * I will recall once more Russia's most recent [[History of Russia|history]]. <br/> Above all, we should acknowledge that the collapse of the Soviet Union was a major geopolitical disaster of the century. As for the Russian nation, it became a genuine drama. Tens of millions of our co-citizens and compatriots found themselves outside Russian territory. Moreover, the epidemic of disintegration infected Russia itself. <br/> Individual savings were depreciated, and old ideals destroyed. Many institutions were disbanded or reformed carelessly. Terrorist intervention and the Khasavyurt capitulation that followed damaged the country's integrity. [[Oligarchy|Oligarchic]] groups — possessing absolute control over information channels — served exclusively their own [[Corporations|corporate interests]]. Mass [[poverty]] began to be seen as the norm. And all this was happening against the backdrop of a dramatic economic downturn, unstable finances, and the paralysis of the social sphere. <br/> Many thought or seemed to think at the time that our young democracy was not a continuation of Russian statehood, but its ultimate collapse, the prolonged agony of the Soviet system. <br/> But they were mistaken. <br/> That was precisely the period when the significant developments took place in Russia. Our society was generating not only the energy of self-preservation, but also the will for a new and free life. **[http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2005/04/25/2031_type70029type82912_87086.shtml Kremlin RU,] (25 April 2005) * But if the [[United States|U.S.]] were to leave and abandon [[Iraq War|Iraq]] without establishing the grounds for a united and sovereign country, that would definitely be a second mistake. ** After saying the US shouldn't have gone into Iraq in the first place ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/07/60minutes/main693705.shtml CBS News] (May 2005) * I realise that 2008 will be an important test for Russia, and not an easy one. At the same time, the [[w:Constitution_of_Russia|Constitution of the Russian Federation]] states that the [[President of Russia|President]], the head of state, is elected for four years through direct secret ballot and cannot stay in office for more than two consecutive terms. <br/> I am not indifferent of course to the question of who will take in their hands the destiny of the country I have devoted my life to serving. But if each successive head of state were to change the Constitution to suit them, we would soon find ourselves without a state at all. I think that Russia's different political forces are sufficiently mature to realise their responsibility to the people of the Russian Federation. In any case, the person who receives the votes of the majority of Russian citizens will become the [[President of Russia|President]] of the country. ** Answering the question of Dutch TV station "Nederland 1" and Dutch newspaper "NRC Handelsblad", "''Can you imagine a situation in which you would decide to remain in office for a third term?''", Putin said: [http://web.archive.org/web/20061013003243/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2005/10/31/1955_type82914type82916_96455.shtml] ====2006==== * Russia does not want confrontation of any kind. And we will not take part in any kind of "holy alliance". **[http://web.archive.org/web/20061013001158/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/06/27/2040_type82912type82913type82914_107818.shtml Kremlin RU] (27 June 2006) *I stress that we unambiguously support strengthening the non-proliferation regime, without any exceptions, on the basis of [[international law]]. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml Kremlin RU] (10 May 2006) * We have spoken on many occasions of the need to achieve high [[economic growth]] as an absolute priority for our country. The annual address for 2003 set for the first time the goal of doubling [[Gross Domestic Product|gross domestic product]] within a decade. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml Annual Address to the Federal Assembly], (May 2006) * Russia must realise its full potential in high-tech sectors such as modern energy technology, transport and communications, space and aircraft building. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml Annual Address to the Federal Assembly], (10 May 2006) * In 2008, I will join the opposition and criticise the government. ** 17 June 2006, in interview to _Komsomolskaya Pravda_ № 87 (23724) 2006 * He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. ** {{w|Moshe Katsav}} [http://www.newsru.com/russia/19oct2006/olmert.html ''NewsRu''] (19 Oct 2006) * I see that not everyone in the West has understood that the Soviet Union has disappeared from the political map of the world and that a new country has emerged with new humanist and ideological principles at the foundation of its existence. ** [http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/text/speeches/2006/07/12/1829_type82916_108548.shtml interview with TF-1 Television Channel (France)], taken on [[July 12]], [[2006]] * Just as one must respect our interests since almost 17 million ethnic Russians live in Ukraine and half of all Ukrainian families have ties with the Russian Federation. ** interview with German ZDF TV, July 13, 2006.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/23703] * We certainly would not want to have the same kind of democracy that they have in Iraq, quite honestly. ** [[July 17]], [[2006]], during the St. Petersburg Group of Eight summit Putin said in reply to [[George W. Bush]], who said he hopes Russia will follow Iraq in turning to democracy ** [http://www.brendan-nyhan.com/blog/2006/07/bush_says_just_.html] [http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/07/15/russia.g8/index.html] *There is no, and there can be no, justification for a crime of such cynicism and monstrosity. The terrorists guilty of this crime must be severely punished. **July 2006, on the 2006 Mumbai train bombings, quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5170584.stm Mumbai bombs: Reaction in quotes] * '''If there is no possibility or, to put it in plain terms, if there is no money... What can you do? You can't go to a store, you can't buy anything, either a cannon, or a missile, or a medicine.''' For this reason the economy is at the basis of everything. In the beginning it was [[Karl Marx]] and then [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]] and others... ** During a meeting with representatives of the [[VGTRK|Russian State Television and Radio Broadcasting Company]], May 13. 2006 ** [http://web.archive.org/web/20060614140558/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/13/1557_type82915type82917type84779_105660.shtml] * Their [U.S.] defense budget in absolute figures is almost 25 times bigger than Russia's. This is what in defense is referred to as "their home — their fortress". And good for them, I say. Well done! ** On the [[United States]] 2006 annual address to the Federal Assembly * ''Товарищ волк знает, кого кушать. Кушает, и никого не слушает, и слушать, судя по всему, не собирается.'' ** ''Translation:'' Comrade wolf knows who to eat. He eats without listening to anybody and it seems he is not ever going to listen. ** On the U.S., whose military budget is 25 times bigger than Russia's; annual presidential address to the Federal Senate, [[10 May]] [[2006]] * But this means that we also need to build our home and make it strong and well protected. We see, after all, what is going on in the world. '''"The Comrade Wolf knows whom to eat, as the saying goes. It knows whom to eat and is not about to listen to anyone''', it seems." ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml] ====2007==== *I think it is obvious that [[w:expansion_of_NATO|NATO expansion]] does not have any relation with the modernization of the alliance itself or with ensuring security in [[Europe]]. On the contrary, it represents a serious provocation that reduces the level of mutual trust. And we have the right to ask: against whom is this expansion intended? And what happened to the assurances our western partners made after the dissolution of the [[w:Warsaw_Pact|Warsaw Pact]]? Where are those declarations today? No one even remembers them. But I will allow myself to remind this audience what was said. I would like to quote the speech of NATO General Secretary [[w:Manfred_Woerner|Mr. Woerner]] in [[Brussels]] on 17 May 1990. He said at the time that: “the fact that we are ready not to place a NATO army outside of German territory gives the Soviet Union a firm security guarantee.” Where are these guarantees? **[[w:Munich speech|2007 Munich speech]], cited in [https://www.theamericanconservative.com/we-poked-the-bear/ We Poked the Bear], March 17, 2022 * Not everyone likes the stable, gradual rise of our country. There are some who are using the democratic ideology to interfere in our internal affairs. ** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6594379.stm Putin attacks 'foreign meddlers'] [[26 April]] [[2007]] * A superpower is a [[Cold War|cold war]] term. When people today say that Russia aspires to have this status, I interpret it in the following way: they want to undermine trust in Russia, to portray Russia as frightening, and create some kind of image of an enemy. … Russia is in favor of a multipolar world, a democratic world order, strengthening the system of international law, and for developing a legal system in which any small country, even a very small country, can feel itself secure, as if behind a stone wall. … Russia is ready to become part of this multipolar world and guarantee that the international community observes these rules. And not as a superpower with special rights, but rather as an equal among equals. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/01/18/0726_type82914type82916_117126.shtml] * We still have a great amount of work to do in social development, including resolving one of the biggest challenges we face in this area, namely, reducing the gap between high-income earners and people, citizens of our country, who are still living on very modest means indeed. But we cannot, of course, adopt the solution used 80 years ago and simply confiscate the riches of some to redistribute among others. We will use completely different means to resolve this problem, namely, we will ensure good economic growth. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/02/01/1309_type82915_117609.shtml] * I think there are things of which I and the people who have worked with me can feel deservedly proud. They include restoring Russia's territorial integrity, strengthening the state, progress towards establishing a multiparty system, strengthening the parliamentary system, restoring the [[Russian Armed Forces|Armed Forces]]' potential and, of course, developing the economy. As you know, our economy has been growing by 6.9 percent a year on average over this time, and our [[GDP]] has increased by 7.7 percent over the first four months of this year alone. <br/> When I began my work in the year 2000, 30 percent of our population was living below the poverty line. There has been a two-fold drop in the number of people living below the poverty line since then and the figure today is around 15 percent. By 2009-2010, we will bring this figure down to 10 percent, and this will bring us in line with the European average. <br/> We had enormous [[Government debt|debts]], simply catastrophic for our economy, but we have paid them off in full now. Not only have we paid our debts, but we now have the best foreign debt to GDP ratio in Europe. Our gold and currency reserve figures are well known: in 2000, they stood at just $12 billion and we had a debt of more than 100 percent of GDP, but now we have the third-biggest gold and currency reserves in the world and they have increased by $90 billion over the first four months of this year alone. ** [http://web.archive.org/web/20070607221025/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/06/04/2149_type82916_132772.shtml When asked in June 2007 at the interview with G8 journalists about main achievements of his presidency]. * During the 1990s and even in 2000-2001, we had massive capital flight from Russia with $15 billion, $20 billion or $25 billion leaving the country every year. Last year we reversed this situation for the first time and had capital inflow of $41 billion. We have already had capital inflow of $40 billion over the first four months of this year. Russia's [[stock market]] capitalisation showed immense growth last year and increased by more than 50 percent. This is one of the best results in the world, perhaps even the best. [[w:economy of Russia|Our economy]] was near the bottom of the list of world economies in terms of size but today it has climbed to ninth place and in some areas has even overtaken some of the other G8 countries' economies. This means that today we are able to tackle social problems. Real incomes are growing by around 12 percent a year. Real income growth over the first four months of this year came to just over 18 percent, while wages rose by 11-12 percent. <br/> Looking at the problems we have yet to resolve, one of the biggest is the huge income gap between the people at the top and the bottom of the scale. Combating poverty is obviously one of our top priorities in the immediate term and we still have to do a lot to improve our pension system too because the correlation between pensions and the average wage is still lower here than in Europe. The gap between incomes at the top and bottom end of the scale is still high here – a 15.6-15.7-fold difference. This is less than in the United States today (they have a figure of 15.9) but more than in the UK or Italy (where they have 13.6-13.7). But this remains a big gap for us and fighting poverty is one of our biggest priorities. ** [http://web.archive.org/web/20070607221025/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/06/04/2149_type82916_132772.shtml When asked in June 2007 at the interview with G8 journalists about main achievements of his presidency]. * People are always teaching us democracy but the people who teach us democracy don't want to learn it themselves. ** MUNICH, February 10, 2007. [http://www.rferl.org/featuresarticle/2007/02/a50c8a12-b6a8-44ad-92dd-58183e78a032.html] * После смерти Махатмы Ганди поговорить не с кем. ** ''Translation:'' There is no one to talk to since Mahatma Gandhi died. ** Responding to a question "Former Federal Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder called you a 'pure democrat'. Do you consider yourself such?" June 4, 2007, [http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/06/04/2149_type82916_132716.shtml] * According to the statistics, up to 17 million ethnic Russians live in Ukraine, while some four million Ukrainians live in Russia, whether permanently or temporarily. ** Live with President Vladimir Putin, October 18, 2007.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/24604] * Of Ukraine’s 45 million people, 17 million are ethnic Russians, and this is only according to official statistics. Almost 100 percent of people there consider Russian their native language, well, 80 percent perhaps. ** Interview with ''Time Magazine'', December 19, 2007.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/24735] * There are 17 million ethnic Russians there, officially. Almost 100% of the people consider Russian as their mother tongue. ** Interview with ''Time Magazine'', December 19, 2007. [http://content.time.com/time/specials/2007/printout/0,29239,1690753_1690757_1695787,00.html] ** There are actually 8.3 million ethnic Russians in Ukraine (17.3% of the population), and 29.3% of Ukrainians consider Russian their native language (2001 census). ====2008==== * [[Russia]] doesn't negotiate with [[Terrorism|terrorists]]. It destroys them. **[http://www.ruvr.ru/main.php?lng=eng&p=29.01.2008&rt=124] (January 29, 2008) * Don't you know that Ukraine is not even a real country? Part of it is really [[East/Central Europe|East European]], and part is really Russian. ** In a meeting with US Ambassador [[William J. Burns (diplomat)|William J. Burns]] at Novo-Ogaryovo, March 2008 (William J. Burns 2019, ''The Back Channel'', P. 238) * But in Ukraine, one third are ethnic [[Russians]]. Out of forty five million people, in line with the official census, seventeen millions are Russians [[http://2001.ukrcensus.gov.ua/eng/results/general/nationality/ actually 8.3M]]. There are regions, where only the Russian population lives, for instance, in the Crimea. 90% are Russians [[http://2001.ukrcensus.gov.ua/eng/results/general/nationality/Crimea/ actually 59%]]. Generally speaking, Ukraine is a very complicated state. Ukraine, in the form it currently exists, was created in the Soviet times, it received its territories from [[Poland]] – [[Aftermath of World War II|after the Second World war]], from Czechoslovakia, from Romania – and at present not all the problems have been solved as yet in the border region with [[Romania]] in the [[Black Sea]]. Then, it received huge territories from Russia in the east and south of the country. It is a complicated state formation. If we introduce into it NATO problems, other problems, it may put the state on the verge of its existence. Complicated internal political problems are taking place there. We should act also very-very carefully. We do not have any right to veto, and, probably, we do not pretend to have. But I want that all of us, when deciding such issues, realize that we have there our interests as well. Well, seventeen million Russians currently live in Ukraine. Who may state that we do not have any interests there? South, the south of Ukraine, completely, there are only Russians. ** In a speech at the NATO Bucharest summit, April 2, 2008 [https://www.unian.info/world/111033-text-of-putins-speech-at-nato-summit-bucharest-april-2-2008.html] * You do understand, [[George W. Bush|George]], that Ukraine is not even a state. What is Ukraine? Part of its territories is [[Eastern Europe]], but the greater part is a gift from us. (Ты же понимаешь, Джордж, что Украина — это даже не государство! Что такое Украина? Часть ее территорий — это Восточная Европа, а часть, и значительная, подарена нами!) ** According to the same source, “and then he very transparently hinted that if Ukraine was still admitted to NATO, this state would simply cease to exist, that is, in fact, he threatened that Russia could start the rejection of the Crimea and Eastern Ukraine.” (И тут он очень прозрачно намекнул, что если Украину все же примут в НАТО, это государство просто прекратит существование. То есть фактически он пригрозил, что Россия может начать отторжение Крыма и Восточной Украины.) ** Speaking to George W. Bush at the NATO Bucharest Summit, April 4, 2008.[http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1900838,00.html] Originally [http://www.kommersant.ru/doc/877224 reported in Kommersant.ru based on an unidentified source]. * At least the state figure should have a head. ** In response to [[Hillary Clinton]]'s comment that Putin has 'no soul'. [http://ria.ru/politics/20080507/106744531.html] (May 7, 2008) * Crimea is not a disputed territory. There has been no ethnic conflict there, unlike the conflict between South Ossetia and [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]]. Russia has long recognized the borders of modern-day Ukraine. On the whole, we have completed our talks on borders. The issue of demarcation still stands, but this is just a technicality. (Крым не является никакой спорной территорией. Там не было никакого этнического конфликта, в отличие от конфликта между Южной Осетией и Грузией. И Россия давно признала границы сегодняшней Украины. Мы, по сути, закончили в общем и целом наши переговоры по границе. Речь идет о демаркации, но это уже технические дела.) ** [http://www.businessinsider.com/putin-in-2008-crimea-is-not-disputed-territory-and-is-part-of-ukraine-2015-4 Interview with ARD Television], Germany, in Sochi, Russia, August 29, 2008.[https://web.archive.org/web/20080912164721/http://www.government.ru:80/content/governmentactivity/mainnews/archive/2008/08/29/2344019.htm] * '''I have worked like a galley slave throughout these eight years, morning till night, and I have given all I could to this work. I am happy with the results.''' ** Quoted in 15 May 2008 article [http://www.nybooks.com/articles/21353 The Truth About Putin and Medvedev], last annual press conference. * "I am going to hang [[Mikheil Saakashvili|Saakashvili]] by the balls," [Mr Putin] said.<br />"Hang him?," asked [[Nicolas Sarkozy|Mr Sarkozy]].<br />"Why not?," retorted Mr Putin. "The Americans hanged [[Saddam Hussein]]."<br />Mr Sarkozy replied: "Yes but do you want to end up like Bush?"<br />Briefly lost for words, the Russian leader agreed: "Ah, you have scored a point there." ** Conversation (12 August 2008) overheard by [[w:Jean-David Levitte|Jean-David Levitte]], an adviser to the then French president, interviewed in ''Le Nouvel Observateur'' magazine, as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/3454154/Vladimir-Putin-threatened-to-hang-Georgia-leader-by-the-balls.html "Vladimir Putin threatened to hang Georgia leader 'by the balls'"], ''The Telegraph'' (13 November 2008) * I want Saakashvili's head. ** As quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/magazine/19WWln-q4-t.html "An American Friend"], ''The New York Times'' (19 October 2008) * They [Georgian military forces] launched their attacks at 23:30 [on August 7]. I learned about it the following morning. I spoke to Bush. He said 'No one wants war.' We expected something would happen, I met him again at the stadium. I can't tell you in detail the content of the conversation, but I had the feeling that his administration wouldn't do anything about stopping the conflict, It's a court which makes a king. Maybe the court thought the king shouldn't intervene. ** Speaking to western journalists and academics in Sochi for the first time since the Georgia crisis began. (September 2008)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/sep/12/putin.georgia] * Enemies are right in front of you, you are at war with them, then you make an armistice with them, and all is clear. A traitor must be destroyed, crushed. ** In 2001, speaking to journalist Aleksoi Venediktov, to whom he added “You know, Aleksei, you are not a traitor. You are an enemy.” David Remnick, “[http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/09/22/echo-in-the-dark Echo in the Dark],” in ''The New Yorker'', September 22, 2008. * But why only by one part? ** Question and Answer session broadcast for Russian television (4 December 2008), as cited in [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-russia-putin-georgia-idUSTRE4B352V20081204 "Russia's Putin had painful plans for Georgian leader"], ''Reuters'' (4 December 2008) ** After being asked: "Is this true you promised to hang Saakashvili by one part?" ====2009==== * [Anton Denikin, in his diary] “has a discussion there about Great and Little Russia, Ukraine. He says that no one should be allowed to interfere in relations between us; this has always been only Russia’s business.” (Обязательно прочитайте! Там у него есть рассуждения о большой и малой России, Украине. Он говорит, что никому не должно быть позволено вмешиваться в отношения между нами, это всегда было делом самой России!)[http://www.newsru.com/russia/24may2009/spo.html] ** On laying a wreath at Denikin’s grave in Moscow, May 24, 2009. James Marson, “[http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1900838,00.html Putin to the West: Hands off Ukraine]” in ''Time Magazine'', May 25, 2009. * Russia has always respected the bravery and heroism of the Polish people, soldiers and officers, who stood up first against [[Nazism]] in [[Invasion of Poland|1939]]. ** On the 70th anniversary of the start of World War II, 1 September 2009 [https://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/02/world/europe/02russia.html] * In order to preserve a balance, while we aren't planning to build a missile defence of our own, as it's very expensive and its efficiency is not quite clear yet, we have to develop offensive strike systems. They [U.S.] should give us all the information about the missile defence, and we will be ready then to provide some information about offensive weapons. ** Putin said that arms control talks between Moscow and Washington were proceeding in a positive way. (December 2009)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/dec/29/nuclear-weapons-russia] === 2010s === ====2010==== * I am personally acquainted with [[Robert Gates|Mr Gates]], I have met him on several occasions. I think he is a very nice man and not a bad specialist. But Mr Gates, of course, was one of the leaders of the US [[Central Intelligence Agency]] and today he is defense secretary. If he also happens to be America's leading expert on democracy, I congratulate you. ** On [[Robert Gates]] in interview with [[Larry King]]. (February 2010)[http://en.rian.ru/interview/20101202/161586625.html] * He is profoundly wrong. Our country is run by the people of the Russian Federation through legitimately elected bodies of power and administration: through representative bodies (the parliament) and executive bodies (the president and the government of the Russian Federation) ** When [[Larry King]] asked that [[Robert Gates]] is wrong or right about Russia that democracy has disappeared and the government being run by the security services. (February 2010) [http://en.rian.ru/interview/20101202/161586625.html] * Now on our relationship with Ukraine: I will disagree when you said that if we had been separated we would not have been victorious in the war. We would have won in any case, because we are a country of winners. [. . .] This means, that the war was won—I don’t want to offend anyone—on account of the industrial resources of the RF. It’s a historical fact, it’s all in the documents.” (Теперь по поводу наших отношений с Украиной. Я позволю с вами не согласиться, когда вы сейчас сказали, что если бы мы были разделены, мы не победили бы в войне. Мы все равно победили бы, потому что мы - страна победителей. [. . .] Это значит, что война выиграна, не хочу никого обижать, за счет индустриальных ресурсов РФ. Это исторический факт, это все в документах.)[http://www.rosbalt.ru/main/2010/12/16/801573.html] ** On not needing Ukraine to win the Second World War, in a Channel One televised Q&A in 2010-12-16 (quoted in “[http://balticworlds.com/over-the-meanings-of-wwii/ Russian-Ukrainian Information Wars Over the Meanings of WWII].) * Everything about this crime is now open and published, including a million of documents passed to our Polish partners. It was the leadership of the security services, NKVD, [[Lavrentiy Beria|Beria]], political leadership who, for decades of cynical lies, tried to bury the truth about Katyn massacre, but it would be just as incorrect to place all the guilt on Russian nation. We bow our heads to those who bravely met death here. In this ground lay [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] citizens, burnt in the fire of the [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] repression of the 1930s; [[Poland|Polish]] officers, shot on secret orders; soldiers of the [[Red Army]], executed by the [[Nazism|Nazis]]. Above these graves, in front of people who come here to remember their relatives, it would be a hypocrisy to say: "let's forget everything". No, we must keep the memory of the past and, of course, we will do it, regardless of how bitter the truth is. On the road to unity we will have two principles: memory and truth. If things work this way then, soldiers of Katyn, it will be your main victory. ** On the 70th anniversary of {{w|Katyn massacre}} where Soviet secret police executed 22,000 Polish officers captured after the Soviet Army invaded Poland in September 1939 [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/08/world/europe/08putin.html] [https://www.bbc.com/russian/international/2010/04/100407_katyn_putin] ====2011==== * All the world saw him being killed, all bloodied. Is that democracy? And who did it? Drones, including American ones, delivered a strike on his motorcade. Then commandos, who were not supposed to be there, brought in so-called opposition and militants. And killed him without trial.<br>..<br>'''[[John McCain|Mr McCain]] fought in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]]. I think that he has enough blood of peaceful citizens on his hands. It must be impossible for him to live without these disgusting scenes anymore. Mr McCain was captured and they kept him not just in [[prison]], but in a pit for several years, Anyone [in his place] would go nuts.''' ** On [[Muammar Gaddafi]]'s death and response and response to [[John McCain]]'s tweet "Dear Vlad, The Arab Spring is coming to a neighbourhood near you." according to 15 December 2011 article by Alex Spillius titled [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8958294/Vladimir-Putin-calls-John-McCain-nuts-in-outspoken-attack.html "Vladimir Putin calls John McCain 'nuts' in outspoken attack"] ====2012==== * '''We are not for [[Bashar al-Assad|Assad]], neither for his opponents, We want to achieve the situation where the violence ends and there won’t be large-scale [[Syrian civil war|civil war]]. How many of peaceful people were killed by so-called militants? Did you count? There are also hundreds of victims. What is happening in [[2011 Libyan civil war|Libya]], in [[Iraq War|Iraq]]? Did they become safer? Where are they heading? Nobody has an answer.''' ** Regarding a statement by {{w|Francois Hollande}} of "the need for Assad to leave". (June 1, 2012)[http://www.businessweek.com/news/2012-06-01/hollande-clashes-with-putin-over-ouster-of-syria-s-assad] ====2013==== *[[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Atatürk]] must rolled in his grave because of the Turkish [[w:Islamisation|Islamisation]]. [[Islamic terrorism|Terrorists]] in [[Syria]] escaped to [[Turkey]]! Got [[Health care|healthcare]] there! Its not impossible to comprpomise with [[Justice and Development Party (Turkey)|the current Turkish leaders]], but very hard..<br>..<br>Maybe [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan|the current Turkish government]] wanted to show US and EU that "Yes, we are Islamisating the country. But we are modern Islamisators, we are civilised" [[Ronald Reagan]] once said something about the [[Nicaragua|Nicaraguam]] dictator Somoza, "Yes, Somoza is lousy, but he is our lousy." And now Turkish government says "Yes, we are Islamisators, but we are helpful to the world." But if you are asking my opinion, this won't end good.<br>..<br>''"I will never be hungry again." [[Individualism]] lies at the core of the American identity while Russia has been a country of collectivism."'' **June 2013 regarding difference between USA and Russia, according to [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Rkm9DwAAQBAJ&lpg=PA97&ots=ngdHYkqUsa&dq=gone%20with%20the%20wind%20putin&hl=ru&pg=PA97#v=onepage&q=gone%20with%20the%20wind%20putin&f=false page 97] of 30 November 2019 book "The Long Telegram 2.0: A Neo-Kennanite Approach to Russia" by Peter Eltsov * Russians have different far lofty ambitions; more of a spiritual kind. It's more about your relationship with [[God]].<br>..<br>The [[United States|U.S.]] is a very democratic state. There's no doubt about that. And it originally developed as a democratic state. When the first settlers set their foot on the continent, life forced them to forge a relationship and maintain a dialogue with each other to survive. That's why America was conceived as a fundamental democracy.<br>..<br>[I]t's not by chance that Russia and the U.S. forge alliances in the most critical moments of modern history. That was the case in [[World War I|WWI]] and [[World War II|WWII]]. Even if there was fierce confrontation, our countries united against a common threat, which means there's something that unites us. There must be some fundamental interest which brings us together. That's something we need to focus on first. We need to be aware of our differences but focus on a positive agenda that can improve our cooperation. ** 12 June 2013 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33oIF-ggK5U "Putin talks NSA, Syria, Iran, drones in exclusive RT interview" on YouTube] (also [http://web.archive.org/web/20130614041959/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33oIF-ggK5U archived]) * 80-85 percent of First [[Soviet]] Government was [[Jewish]]. ** 13 June 2013, speaking at Moscow’s Jewish Museum: ''[https://www.timesofisrael.com/putin-first-soviet-government-was-mostly-jewish/ The Times of Israel]'' (19 June 2013) * Recently the [[British people]] suffered a huge loss. It was a tragedy next to his barracks on the streets of [[London]]. A violent [[assassination]], a very brutal killing of a [[British Army|British serviceman]]. Clearly the opposition is not composed all of this but many of them are exactly the same as the ones who perpetrated the killing in London. If we equip these people, if we arm them what is going to control and verify? who is going to have these weapons?, including in Europe as well. So we call all our partners, before making this dangerous step, think about it very carefully.<br>..<br>'''Not all G8 members take the view that chemical weapons were in fact used by the Syrian Army. Some actually agree with us that there is no proof We had disagreements that is true but I never felt lonely and Russia never was on its own in making a statement in regards of Syria.''' ** In Enniskillen, 18 June 2013 [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/blog/2013/jun/18/g8-summit-politics-live-blog g8-summit-politics-live-blog], ''guardian.co.uk'' * In any case, I'd rather not deal with such questions, because anyway it's like shearing a [[Pigs|pig]] – lots of screams but little wool. ** On not wanting to deal with the US re: [[Edward Snowden]], 25 June 2013 [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/25/edward-snowden-moscow-vladimir-putin]. ''guardian.co.uk'' * [[Syria]] is already in the grips of [[Syrian civil war|a civil war]], unfortunately enough, and [[Egypt]] is moving in that direction. We would like to see the Egyptian people avoid this fate. ** On the situation in Egypt after the ousting of Egyptian president Morsi, 7 July 2013 [http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/news-by-industry/et-cetera/egypt-approaching-civil-war-vladimir-putin/articleshow/20956290.cms] ''The Economic Times.co.uk'' * Sadly, it reminds me of [[World War II]], when [[Wehrmacht|German fascist forces]] surrounded our cities, like [[Leningrad]], and shelled population centres and their residents. ** On the Ukrainian army's siege of pro-Russian rebel strongholds in Donetsk and Luhansk, 29 August 2014, [http://www.wsj.com/articles/putin-lashes-out-at-ukraine-over-failure-of-talks-1409312151], ''The Wall Street Journal'' * This was very unpleasant and surprising for me. We talk to them [the Americans], and we assume they are decent people, but he [<nowiki/>[[John Kerry]]] is lying and he knows that he is lying. This is sad. ** On the recent chemical attack in Syria, 5 September 2013 [http://www.usatoday.com/story/theoval/2013/09/05/obama-kerry-putin-syria-russia-g-20/2769683/] ''USA Today.co.uk'' * '''It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation.''' There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions and those still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord's blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.<br>..<br>Recent events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient [[communication]] between our societies. [[Russia–United States relations|Relations between us]] have passed through different stages. We stood against each other during the [[Cold War|cold war]]. But we were also allies once, and defeated the [[Nazism|Nazis]] together. The universal international organization – the [[United Nations]] – was then established to prevent such devastation from ever happening again.<BR>It is alarming that military intervention in internal conflicts in foreign countries has become commonplace for the United States. Is it in America's long-term interest? I doubt it. Millions around the world increasingly see America not as a model of democracy but as relying solely on brute force, cobbling coalitions together under the slogan "you're either with us or against us"...<BR> No matter how targeted the strikes or how sophisticated the weapons, [[civilian casualties]] are inevitable, including the elderly and children, whom the strikes are meant to protect...<BR>We must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilized diplomatic and political settlement. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/12/opinion/putin-plea-for-caution-from-russia-on-syria.html?_r=0 ''A plea for caution from Russia, The New York Times,'' ] (12 September 2013)<BR> <small> [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/12/russia-putin-syria Also published in the Guardian] (12 September 2013)</small> * Any minority’s right to be different must be respected, but the right of the majority must not be questioned.<br>..<br>Without the values at the core of [[Christianity]] and other world religions, without moral norms that have been shaped over millennia, people will inevitably lose their human dignity. **19 September 2013 during his speech at the Valdai forum * For the preservation of the majestic Russia! ** [http://tvrain.ru/articles/putin_poluchil_premiju_vsemirnogo_russkogo_sobora_za_sohranenie_derzhavnoj_rossii-355720/ 31 October 2013] ====2014==== * They act as they please: here and there, they use force against sovereign states, building coalitions based on the principle 'If you are not with us, you are against us.' To make this aggression look legitimate, they force the necessary resolutions from international organizations, and if for some reason this does not work, they simply ignore the UN Security Council and the UN overall. **[http://rt.com/news/putin-address-ten-quotes-778/ Crimea address] (18 March 2014) * It's difficult to talk to people who whisper even at home, afraid of Americans eavesdropping on them. It’s not a figure of speech, not a joke, I'm serious. ** [http://on.rt.com/vqds8o (17 April 2014)] * It's better not to argue with [[women]]. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/06/putin-on-hillary-its-better-not-to-argue-with-women/439788/ "Putin on Hillary: 'It's Better Not to Argue With Women'"], The Atlantic, 4 June 2014 * There are historians here, and people with their own views on our country’s history might argue with me, but I think that the Russian and Ukrainian peoples are practically one single people, no matter what others might say. (Вот люди, которые имеют свои собственные взгляды, здесь историков очень много, на историю нашей страны, могут поспорить, но мне кажется, что русский и украинский народ – это практически один народ, вот кто бы чего ни говорил.) ** At the Seliger National Youth Forum, August 29, 2014.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/46507][http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/46507] * That is not the question. But if I wanted to, I could take Kyiv in two weeks. ** When asked by European Commission President José Manuel Barroso whether Russian troops had crossed into eastern Ukraine, in a phone call reported on 2 September 2014.[https://time.com/3259699/putin-boast-kiev-2-weeks/] * The biggest [[Nationalism|nationalist]] in Russia: that’s me. (Самый большой националист в России — это я) **[http://www.vz.ru/news/2014/10/24/712269.html ''Addressing the Valdai Club''] (24 October 2014) * Speaking of the [[Economic sanctions|sanctions]], they are not just a knee-jerk reaction on behalf of the United States or its allies to our position regarding the events and the coup in Ukraine, or even the so-called Crimean Spring. I’m sure that if these events had never happened – I want to point this out specifically for you as politicians sitting in this auditorium – if none of that had ever happened, they would have come up with some other excuse to try to contain Russia’s growing capabilities, affect our country in some way, or even take advantage of it.<br>..<br>However, in this case I would like to speak about the most serious and sensitive issue: international security. Since 2002, after the US unilaterally pulled out of the ABM Treaty, which was absolutely a cornerstone of international security, a strategic balance of forces and stability, the US has been working relentlessly to create a global missile defence system, including in Europe. This poses a threat not only to Russia, but to the world as a whole – precisely due to the possible disruption of this strategic balance of forces. ** 4 December 2014, The Kremlin Moscow, http://eng.news.kremlin.ru/news/23341 * You can do a lot more with weapons and politeness than just politeness. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/05/world/europe/vladimir-putin-war-of-words.html "Putin’s War of Words"], New York Times, 5 December 2022 * Sometimes you don't know what is better: to talk with the governments of some States or directly with their American patrons and sponsors. ** 6 December 2014, Владимир Путин @ * We are guided by interests rather than feelings in dealing with our partners. ** 10 December 2014 http://itar-tass.com/en/economy/766135, "Russia interested in US economy’s ability to resist current crisis — Russian PM" * In America, torture was legalized, do you believe it? ** [http://rt.com/news/215471-putin-press-conference-updates/ RT news Putin Press conf] (18 December 2014) ====2015==== * We in Russia have always considered Russians and Ukrainians to be one people. I still think so. (Мы всегда в России считали, что русские и украинцы – это один народ. Я так думаю и сейчас.)[http://kremlin.ru/news/47878#sel=7:3,7:19] **18 March 2015 speech at a Moscow concert on the first anniversary of the annexation of the Crimea by the Russian Federation * As for some countries’ concerns about Russia's possible aggressive actions, I think that only an insane person and only in a dream can imagine that Russia would suddenly [[Russia–NATO relations|attack NATO]]. I think some countries are simply taking advantage of people’s fears with regard to Russia. They just want to play the role of front-line countries that should receive some supplementary military, economic, financial or some other aid. Therefore, it is pointless to support this idea; it is absolutely groundless. But some may be interested in fostering such fears. I can only make a conjecture. <br/> <br/>For example, the Americans do not want Russia's rapprochement with Europe. I am not asserting this, it is just a hypothesis. Let’s suppose that the United States would like to maintain its leadership in the Atlantic community. It needs an external threat, an external enemy to ensure this leadership. Iran is clearly not enough – this threat is not very scary or big enough. Who can be frightening? And then suddenly this crisis unfolds in Ukraine. Russia is forced to respond. Perhaps, it was engineered on purpose, I don’t know. But it was not our doing. <br/> <br/>Let me tell you something – there is no need to fear Russia. The world has changed so drastically that people with some common sense cannot even imagine such a large-scale military conflict today. We have other things to think about, I assure you. **6 June 2015 interview to the Italian newspaper Il Corriere della Sera. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/49629] * There are no Russian troops in Ukraine. ** Claimed, contrary to evidence, as shown in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zssIFN2mso "Selfie Soldiers: Russia Checks in to Ukraine"], VICE News, 16 June 2015 * Even 50 years ago, the streets of [[Leningrad]] taught me one thing: '''if a fight is inevitable, go and fight first.''' **22 October 2015, Valdai Forum. [http://blogs.ft.com/the-world/2015/10/putin-on-isis-when-a-fight-is-inevitable-you-hit-first/] * We will find them anywhere on the planet and punish them. Our Air Force’s military work in Syria must not simply be continued. It must be intensified in such a way that the criminals understand that vengeance is inevitable. **17 November 2015, vowing to retaliate against the Islamic militants responsible for the destruction of a Russian airliner over the Sinai on October 31, 2015. [http://www.tribuneindia.com/news/nation/russians-up-strikes-in-french-fury/159736.html Tribune India,] ====2016==== * If minorities prefer [[Sharia]] Law, then we advise them to go to those places where that’s the state law... We will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell ‘[[discrimination]].’ **30 September 2016 article by [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/arnold-steinberg/the-un-speech-president-o_b_8216286.html Huffington Post] * I will not go into who is to blame for what now. I have always considered, and still do today, that Russians and Ukrainians are really one people. There are people who hold radical [[Nationalism|nationalist]] views both in Russia and in Ukraine. But overall, for the majority, we are one people, a people who share a common history and culture and are ethnically close. First we were divided, then we were set against each other, but we are not to blame for this. We must find our own way out of this situation. I am sure that common sense will prevail and that we will find a solution. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/53151] (Я сейчас не буду говорить про то, кто в чём виноват, но я считаю, как и считал, что русские и украинцы – это действительно один народ. У нас есть люди крайних националистических взглядов, как в России, так и в Украине. Но в целом в большинстве своём это один народ – народ одной истории, одной культуры, очень близкий этнически. Нас сначала разделили, а потом стравили, но мы сами в этом виноваты. И мы должны сами найти выход из этой ситуации.)[http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/53151] **27 October 2016 meeting of the Valdai Club ====2017==== *95% of the world’s terrorist attacks are orchestrated by the CIA.<br>..<br>If the CIA have Russian blood on their hands, they will forever regret stirring the Russian bear from its peaceful slumber<br>..<br>an expression of the will of world oligarchy and their vision for a [[New world order (politics)|New World Order]]<br>..<br>The CIA does not work on behalf of the American people or act in their interests.<br>..<br>It will take more than a bag of tricks in a subway to make me blink. **Saturday 8 April 2017 per [https://www.geopolitica.ru/en/news/putin-95-world-terrorist-attacks-are-made-cia Sunday 9 April 2017 report by Geopolitica.Ru] * I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days. **6 June 2017 per [http://www.cnbc.com/2017/06/06/putin-i-am-not-a-woman-so-i-dont-have-bad-days.html CNBC.com] * You know my position; I spoke about it a number of times. I believe that we are one nation with practically no differences. There are some cultural differences, and the linguistic colouring is a little different. As for me, for instance, the identity of the Ukrainian people’s culture is worth a lot. It is a very rich culture. But in essence, on the whole, we are one people, and a very patient one. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/55052] (Вы знаете мою позицию, много раз говорил на этот счёт. Считаю, что у нас один народ, и разницы практически никакой нет. Есть культурологическая, языковая окраска немножко другая. Причём для меня, например, своеобразие культуры украинского народа, на мой взгляд, это очень дорогого стоит. Это действительно богатая культура. Но в целом, по сути‑то один народ.)[http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/55052] **14 July 2017 visit to Lebedinsky GOK * In this sense our historical, spiritual and other roots entitle me to say that basically we are one and the same people. (И в этом смысле наши исторические, духовные и прочие корни дают мне право говорить, что в своей основе мы один народ.)[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/56378][http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/56378] **14 December 2017 annual press conference ====2018==== *На Донбассе гибнут военнослужащие украинской армии. Когда я об этом думаю, на меня это производит очень сильное впечатление. Потому что я считаю, что там все наши<br>(English: "Ukrainian army soldiers are being killed in Donbas. It’s horrible. When I think about this, it makes a very strong impression on me. Because I consider all of them to be ours") **7 March 2018 [https://twitter.com/dimsmirnov175/status/971351275152576513 tweet] and [https://twitter.com/dimsmirnov175/status/971351275152576513/video/1 video] * They do not represent the interests of the [[Government of Russia|Russian state]]<br>Maybe they’re not even [[Russians]],<br>Maybe they’re Ukrainians, Tatars, Jews, just with Russian citizenship, even that needs to be checked. ** [https://www.jpost.com/International/Putin-Jews-might-have-been-behind-US-election-interference-544708 ''The Jerusalem Post''] (10 March 2018) * Today, [[agriculture]] exports exceed arms sales by more than a third. $28.8 billion from agricultural sector, $15.6 billion from the defense industry... we plan to supply more food to the world markets than we import... To achieve this goal, Russia plans to develop infrastructure, broaden the railway network, increase the capacity of seaports, elevators, and storage terminals... Russia should be aiming at exports of environmentally friendly and quality products. GMO has been banned in Russia since 2016... ** [https://www.rt.com/business/421133-arms-farming-russia-exports-putin/ '''''Agriculture makes much more money for Russia than arms exports – Putin'''''] (13 Mar 2018) * ''[in Russian]'' To all football fans and the greatest football teams on the planet — welcome! Welcome to all who have already arrived in Russia, and to those who are planning to take part in this landmark international event — the FIFA World Cup. It is with immense joy and a great honor that we receive representatives of the great football family. We want this event to be a celebration, filled with passion and emotions. I hope you will have an unforgettable experience — not only watching the matches of your favorite teams and admiring the players’ skills, but also getting to know Russia. Learning about its identity and culture, its unique history and natural diversity; its hospitable, sincere and friendly people. We have done our best to ensure that all of our guests – the athletes, the staff and, of course, the fans – feel at home in Russia. We have opened both our country and our hearts to the world. Welcome to the FIFA World Cup! ''[in English]'' Welcome to Russia. ** [https://czech.mid.ru/cz/zpravy/zpravy/video_address_on_the_occasion_of_the_2018_fifa_world_cup_opening_ceremony/ ''Video address on the occasion of the 2018 FIFA World Cup opening ceremony''] (8 June 2018) ===== Valdai Discussion Club: 15th Plenary Session (18 October 2018) ===== <small>[http://valdaiclub.com/events/posts/articles/vladimir-putin-meets-with-valdai-discussion-club/ ''Vladimir Putin Meets with Members of the Valdai Discussion Club.'' Full Transcript]</small> * These discussions have always presented different and sometimes even opposite points of view. I think that this is the advantage of this discussion club; we call it a discussion club because where there is only one, right point of view, there is no place for discussion. Truth is born from comparing different approaches to the same phenomena and various assessments. Thanks to your participation, we can reach this result. * There is a demand for true heroism in our lives. True heroism can manifest itself, in particular, by defending civilization from today’s evils. Of course, terrorism is one of the most serious and challenging evils.... the only way to effectively stand up to terrorism is to join efforts. Unfortunately, in the true sense of the word, we have not put this cooperation in place yet. There are some aspects of cooperation where we have succeeded but this is not enough. By the highest standards, we have failed to join efforts the way we should so far, while this could be done, based on the relevant international rules of law and UN resolutions. * Warfare with the use of aviation and military hardware and so on, a huge number of militant groups on the territory of this country, with militants coming mostly from terrorist organisations based abroad, including [[Al-Qaeda]] who were active in this country. Thank God, we got rid of this but we have not eradicated terrorism per se. Of course, terrorism still poses a great threat to our country as well, which was why we launched these operations in Syria... * For some years before us, countries that agreed to participate in these anti-terrorist operations, most often voluntarily, and maybe even with less than perfect goals and objectives – what result have we seen in the previous three years? None. While we have liberated almost 95 percent of the entire territory of the Syrian Republic. This is my first point. Second. We supported Syria’s statehood, prevented the state from collapsing. True, there are still many problems. * The next step is a political settlement at the UN in Geneva. We need to form a constitutional committee now. Progress is not easy, but we are still moving forward. I hope that we will move ahead with our partners in this area. We all need to be on the alert, not underestimate the threats, and step up our joint work to combat terrorism, the ideology of terrorism and the financing of terrorism. [[File:President Vladimir Putin.jpg|thumb| We are not creating any problems for anyone. Are we the ones creating problems? No. Instead, we are being accused of things... But, no one believes it is necessary to produce any evidence... ]] * There is an old joke, but some people may not know it. They might find it amusing. It sounds like that. Question: ”How do you relax?“ Answer: ”I am relaxed.“ The same goes for tensions in international affairs. We are not creating any problems for anyone. Are we the ones creating problems? No. Instead, we are being accused of things. They say that Russia was “highly likely” to have done this or that, intervened at one place and wreaked havoc at another. But, no one believes it is necessary to produce any evidence... the result of the internal political struggle in the Western world as a whole. Now they are fighting... and there is controversy... someone has apparently decided that playing the [[Anti-Russian sentiment|anti-Russia]] card would be a very convenient way to resolve domestic political problems. This is bad for everyone... * Were our meetings with [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] harmful or helpful? I believe that, despite the attempt to discredit these meetings, they nevertheless were more positive than negative. ...it is better to communicate and interact with each other than, forgive my language, engage in a never-ending dogfight. Our meetings have hardly improved [[Politics of the United States|US domestic politics]], I guess. Probably because, again, there are those who are always trying to play this card in the domestic political struggle. I would say the incumbent president is geared to stabilise and level Russian-American relations. Let's see how the situation develops. We, in any case, are ready for this at any time... We have a comfortable professional dialogue with him... he reacts to the arguments I make. He may disagree with something I say, just as I would disagree with something he might say. We have different views... but this is a normal discussion between partners... [[File:Russian Defense League.jpg|thumb|We are not afraid of anything. Given our territory, our defense system, and our people...Nobody can change these things, and this makes us certain that we can feel secure...]] * Generally speaking, it is irresponsible to lead the world to the brink of a global crisis whose consequences are hard to foresee. We have never used such a policy, and we will not do so in the future.... We are not afraid of anything. Given our territory, our defense system, and our people that are ready to fight for independence and sovereignty — the willingness of our men and women to give up their lives for their country is not common among all nations. Nobody can change these things, and this makes us certain that we can feel secure... * We are improving our attack systems as an answer to the United States building its missile defense system... Clearly, we have overtaken all our, so to speak, partners and competitors in this sphere, and this fact is acknowledged by the experts. No one has a high-precision hypersonic weapon...So, we feel confident in this sense. * Crimea is our land... Even if someone decides to argue with me, the dispute will immediately come to a dead-end... Democracy is the power of the people. How is it exercised, this power of the people? It is exercised through referendums, elections and so on. People came to a referendum in Crimea and voted for independence, first, and then for being part of Russia....Let me remind you for the hundredth time that there was no referendum in Kosovo, only the parliament voted for independence, that was all. Everyone who wanted to support and destroy the former Yugoslavia said: well, thank God, we are fine with that... we proceed based on the will expressed by the people who live on that territory. * Look, there are senior executives from our [[television]] company [[w:Russia_Today|Russia Today]] sitting across from me. What is happening in some countries where they operate? They are being banned. What does this mean? It means those who do so are afraid of the competition... Someone is making it hard for them. That means we are winning....We do not have global media like [[CNN]], [[Fox News]], BBC and so on... We have just one fairly modest channel. Even if it causes so much heartburn and fear of it being able to influence minds, then we are winning this competition... * Our nuclear weapons doctrine does not provide for a pre-emptive strike.... there is no provision for a pre-emptive strike in our nuclear weapons doctrine. Our concept is based on a reciprocal counter strike. We are prepared and will use nuclear weapons only when we know for certain that some potential aggressor is attacking Russia...Only when we know for certain – and this takes a few seconds to understand – that Russia is being attacked we will deliver a counter strike. This would be a reciprocal counter strike. Why do I say ‘counter’? Because we will counter missiles flying towards us by sending a missile in the direction of an aggressor. Of course, this amounts to a global catastrophe but I would like to repeat that we cannot be the initiators of such a catastrophe... any aggressor should know that retaliation is inevitable and they will be annihilated. And we as the victims of an aggression, we as martyrs would go to paradise while they will simply perish because they won’t even have time to repent their sins. *Man of his word. (About [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recep_Tayyip_Erdo%C4%9Fan Erdoğan]) ====2019==== * So the Jews have problems with finances, only such a thing could happen in Crimea. ** Quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/putin-makes-joke-about-jews-and-money-speaks-hebrew-1.7041106 ''Putin Makes Joke About Jews and Money, Speaks Hebrew''] (20 March 2019) [[File:STOP GLOBAL WARMING AND SAVE THE TREES.jpg|thumb|The fact that the Americans say they also want to contribute to solving environmental issues is a positive thing, in my view.]] * Positions have been coordinated, except for the United States, which always has a special opinion. In fact, the US delegation was open about it from the outset. Everyone knows [[Presidency of Donald Trump|the current Administration]]’s stance on the [[Paris Agreement|Paris Accords]]. Nevertheless, all the other participants in the forum confirmed their readiness to implement the agreements under the Paris Accords.<BR> Actually, I think there is also a positive moment in the US position too, since the Americans said they were ready to work on the environmental agenda under their own programme. We have to read the final wording but the fact that the Americans say they also want to contribute to solving [[Environmentalism|environmental]] issues is a positive thing, in my view.<br>..<br>As to Russia, we spoke about it a number of times and we reaffirmed that at the forum again and also agreed on that in the final document. We are going to fully comply with our commitments. In the nearest future we will begin the ratification of these agreements and will conduct the necessary domestic procedures. These issues are highly relevant for us.<BR>I stated this at the last plenary session. Let me remind you that according to the Federal Service for Hydrometeorology and Environmental Monitoring, the warming in Russia is happening 2.5 times faster than the average [[global warming]]. This is a major challenge for us. We must realise that. This is the reason for floods, and for permafrost thawing in the areas where we have fairly big cities. We must be able to understand how to react to the climate changes underway there.<br>..<br>How can one imagine that in some European countries parents are told that “Girls should not wear skirts to school for safety reasons.” What is that? ...How did it get so far? ...It has gotten too far, in my view, that this, liberal idea starts destroying itself. It is true that we really have a very calm attitude towards the [[LGBT|LGBT community]]. Truly, it is calm and absolutely unbiased.<br>..<br>We have a law that everybody has been kicking us for – a law prohibiting homosexual propaganda among minors. But listen, let a person grow up, become an adult and then to decide who he or she is. Leave children in peace. There are so many inventions nowadays...they invented five or six genders, transformers, trans… I do not even understand what it is.<br>..<br>This is not the problem. The problem is that this part of society is aggressively imposing their view on the majority. We have to be more loyal to each other, more open and transparent... We have to respect everyone, that is true, but we must not impose our points of view on others. Meanwhile, representatives of the so-called [[Liberalism|liberal]] idea are simply forcing their ideas on others. They dictate the need for the so-called sex education. Parents are against it... ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/60857 ''Vladimir Putin’s news conference, Transcript, Kremlin.ru,''] (29 June 2019) [[File:Elton John Cannes 2019.jpg|thumb|... Elton John. I have deep respect for him, he is a genius of a musician. In reality he comes to Russia, and we all really enjoy listening to him. I think he is mistaken.]] * Somebody came up with this idea of five or six genders... I don't even understand what they mean... I am not trying to insult anyone because we have been condemned for our alleged [[homophobia]]...but we have no problem with LGBT persons. God forbid, let them live as they wish. But some things do appear excessive to us. They claim now that children can play five or six gender roles.... Let everyone be happy... but this must not be allowed to overshadow the culture, traditions and traditional family values of millions of people making up the core population.<BR> Speaking of [[Elton John]], I respect him very much ... but I think he is mistaken. I didn't overstate anything, We have a law that everybody is angry at us because of the law that doesn't allow [[propaganda]] of homosexuals among underage population. Let's let the kids grow and then let them decide what they want to do. ** Quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/29/entertainment/elton-john-slams-vladimir-putin-financial-times-interview-trnd/index.html ''Putin fires back at Elton John over gay rights in Russia, CNN,''] Christina Maxouris, (29 June 2019) === 2020s === ====2020==== * The situation is under full control. ** Putin describing the status for the corononavirus pandemic in Russia, where thousands were dying. [http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/63222 Easter greetings] (19 April 2020) * The [[League of Nations]] also failed to prevent conflicts in various parts of the world, such as the attack of [[Italy]] on [[Ethiopia]], the [[Spanish Civil War|civil war]] in [[Spain]], the [[Japan during World War II|Japanese]] [[Second Sino-Japanese War|aggression]] against [[China]] and the ''[[w:Anschluss|Anschluss]]'' of [[Austria]]. Furthermore, in case of the Munich Betrayal that, in addition to [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] involved [[United Kingdom|British]] and [[France|French]] leaders, [[w:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]] was taken apart with the full approval of the League of Nations. I would like to point out in this regard that, unlike many other [[Europe|European]] leaders of that time, [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] did not disgrace himself by meeting with Hitler who was known among the Western nations as quite a reputable [[Politicians|politician]] and was a welcome guest in the European capitals. ** Quoted in [https://nationalinterest.org/feature/vladimir-putin-real-lessons-75th-anniversary-world-war-ii-162982 ''Vladimir Putin: The Real Lessons of the 75th Anniversary of World War II''], ''The National Interest'' (18 June 2020) ====2021==== * It is important to prevent terrorist infiltration into our neighboring countries. Even when they pretend to be refugees. ** [https://palnws.be/2021/08/poetin-wil-geen-afghaanse-migranten-opvangen-uit-vrees-voor-terrorisme-als-vluchteling-vermomde-strijders/ Putin does not want to receive Afghan migrants for fear of terrorism: “fighters disguised as refugees”] * It is of course here, in [[w:Sevastopol|Sevastopol]], in [[Crimea]], that one gets the keenest sense of this live, indissociable bond. Sevastopol and Crimea are now with Russia and will stay with it forever, because this was the expression of the sovereign, free and uncompromising will of our entire people. ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67065/print "Greetings on National Unity Day"] (4 November 2021) *As we ring in the New Year, we hope that it will bring new opportunities for us. Of course, we hope luck will be on our side, but we understand that making our dreams reality primarily depends on us, on what we prioritise in our daily lives, on our ability to commit to our projects and achieve concrete, tangible results. *New Year's Eve is literally filled with good cheer and happy thoughts, as we all try to put our best foot forward. This openness and generosity are the spirit of this wonderful holiday, when it is so important to warm parents’ hearts with kindness and loving care, to hug them if they are near you, and to tell everyone around you how dear they are to you and that happiness is all about love, children, family, and friends. *But the real magic of the New Year is that it opens our hearts to empathy and trust, generosity and mercy. *May love fill every heart and inspire us all to achieve our goals and scale the greatest heights. For the sake of our loved ones and for the sake of our only country, our great Motherland. ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67514 "New Year Address to the Nation"] (31 December 2021) ===== [[w:On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians|On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians]] (12 July 2021) ===== :<small>[[s:On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians|On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians]]</small> * During the recent Direct Line, when I was asked about Russian-Ukrainian relations, I said that Russians and Ukrainians were one people — a single whole. These words were not driven by some short-term considerations or prompted by the current political context. It is what I have said on numerous occasions and what I firmly believe. I therefore feel it necessary to explain my position in detail and share my assessments of today’s situation. <br /> First of all, I would like to emphasize that the wall that has emerged in recent years between Russia and Ukraine, between the parts of what is essentially the same historical and spiritual space, to my mind is our great common misfortune and tragedy. These are, first and foremost, the consequences of our own mistakes made at different periods of time. But these are also the result of deliberate efforts by those forces that have always sought to undermine our unity. The formula they apply has been known from time immemorial — divide and rule. There is nothing new here. Hence the attempts to play on the "national question" and sow discord among people, the overarching goal being to divide and then to pit the parts of a single people against one another. * In summer 1945, the historical act of the reunification of Carpathian Ukraine "with its ancient motherland, Ukraine" — as The Pravda newspaper put it — was announced. <br /> Therefore, modern Ukraine is entirely the product of the Soviet era. We know and remember well that it was shaped — for a significant part — on the lands of historical Russia. To make sure of that, it is enough to look at the boundaries of the lands reunited with the Russian state in the 17th century and the territory of the Ukrainian SSR when it left the Soviet Union. * Ukraine and Russia have developed as a single economic system over decades and centuries. The profound cooperation we had 30 years ago is an example for the European Union to look up to. We are natural complementary economic partners. Such a close relationship can strengthen competitive advantages, increasing the potential of both countries. <br /> Ukraine used to possess great potential, which included powerful infrastructure, gas transportation system, advanced shipbuilding, aviation, rocket and instrument engineering industries, as well as world-class scientific, design and engineering schools. Taking over this legacy and declaring independence, Ukrainian leaders promised that the Ukrainian economy would be one of the leading ones and the standard of living would be among the best in Europe. <br /> Today, high-tech industrial giants that were once the pride of Ukraine and the entire Union, are sinking. * We [[respect]] Ukrainians' [[desire]] to see their country [[free]], [[safe]] and [[prosperous]]. <br /> I am [[confident]] that true [[sovereignty]] of [[Ukraine]] is possible [[Servitude|only in partnership]] with [[Russia]]. Our [[spiritual]], [[human]] and [[Civilization|civilizational]] ties formed for centuries and have their origins in the same sources, they have been hardened by common trials, achievements and victories. Our [[kinship]] has been transmitted from generation to generation. It is in the [[hearts]] and the [[memory]] of people living in modern Russia and Ukraine, in the blood ties that unite millions of our families. Together we have always been and will be many times [[stronger]] and more [[successful]]. For we are one people. <br /> Today, these [[words]] may be perceived by some people with [[hostility]]. They can be interpreted in many possible ways. Yet, many [[people]] will hear me. And I will say one thing — [[Lies|Russia has never been and will never be "anti-Ukraine".]] And what Ukraine will be — [[w:2022 Ukrainian Kharkiv counteroffensive|it is up to its citizens to decide]]. ==== 2022 ==== [[File:Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin (2019-06) 02.jpg|thumb|Do you realize that if Ukraine joins NATO and decides to take Crimea back through military means, the European countries will automatically get drawn into a military conflict with Russia? Of course, NATO’s united potential and that of Russia are incomparable. We understand that, but we also understand that Russia is one of the world’s leading nuclear powers, and is superior to many of those countries in terms of the number of modern nuclear force components. But there will be no winners]] * “You may like it, you may not, but you’ll have to endure it, my beauty.” ** Quoting either Russian folklore or necrophiliac punk rock lyrics, in reference to Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s presumed attitude to the Minsk agreements, during a press conference with President of France [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] on February 8, 2022. («Нравится, не нравится – терпи, моя красавица».)[http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67735] Translation from [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2022/02/vladimir-putin-dirty-language-cursing/622924/ “What’s Behind Putin’s Dirty, Violent Speeches.” ''The Atlantic''], February 17, 2022. *Why is [[Ukraine]]’s potential admission into [[NATO]] dangerous? The problem does exist. For example, European countries, including [[France]], believe that Crimea is part of Ukraine, but we think that it is part of the Russian Federation. And what happens if attempts are made to change this situation by military means? Bear in mind that Ukraine’s doctrines declare Russia an adversary and state the possibility of regaining Crimea, even using military force. Just imagine what could happen if Ukraine were a NATO member. [[W:Treaty of Rome|Article 5]] has not been canceled. On the contrary, Mr. Biden, the President of the United States, has said recently that [[W:Treaty of Rome|Article 5]] is a sacred obligation and will be honored. This is fraught with a military confrontation between Russia and NATO… <BR>Ask your readers, your audiences, and the users of online resources, ‘Do you want France to fight against Russia?’ Because this is how it will be…. **Quoted from press conference with President of France [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] on February 8, 2022, in [https://schillerinstitute.com/blog/2022/02/09/putin-asks-does-nato-really-want-to-fight-nuclear-power-russia/ Putin Asks: Does NATO Really Want To Fight Nuclear Power Russia? ''The International Schiller Institute''], (February 9, 2022) *Do you realize that if Ukraine joins NATO and decides to take Crimea back through military means, the European countries will automatically get drawn into a military conflict with Russia? Of course, NATO’s united potential and that of Russia are incomparable. We understand that, but we also understand that Russia is one of the world’s leading nuclear powers, and is superior to many of those countries in terms of the number of modern nuclear force components. But there will be no winners, and you will find yourself drawn into this conflict against your will. You will be fulfilling Paragraph 5 of the [[W:Treaty establishing the European Economic Community)|Treaty of Rome]] in a heartbeat, even before you know it. Of course, the [[Emmanuel Macron|President]] does not want to see developments unfold in this way. I do not want it, either. That is why he is here and has been tormenting me for six hours now with his questions, guarantees, and solutions.<BR>I believe his is a lofty mission, and I am grateful to him for his efforts. For our part, we will do our best to find compromises that suit everyone. There is not a single point that we consider unachievable in the proposals we sent to NATO and Washington. **Quoted from press conference with President of France [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] on February 8, 2022,in [https://schillerinstitute.com/blog/2022/02/09/putin-asks-does-nato-really-want-to-fight-nuclear-power-russia/ Putin Asks: Does NATO Really Want To Fight Nuclear Power Russia? ''The International Schiller Institute''], (February 9, 2022) * Ukraine actually never had stable traditions of real statehood. * We want those who seized and continue to hold power in Kiev to immediately stop hostilities. Otherwise, the responsibility for the possible continuation of the bloodshed will lie entirely on the conscience of Ukraine’s ruling regime. ** Address by the President of the Russian Federation ''en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67828'' (21 February 2022) <i> About the Russian invasion of Ukraine: </i> * We had no other way of proceeding. * Whoever tries to interfere with us, and even more so, to create threats for our country, for our people should know that Russia's response will be immediate and will lead you to such consequences that you have never experienced in your history. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/vladimir-putin-no-other-way-defend-russia-other-invading-ukraine-1682406 "Vladimir Putin: 'No Other Way' to Defend Russia Other Than Invading Ukraine"], Newsweek, 24 February 2022 * Even after the dissolution of the USSR and losing a considerable part of its capabilities, today’s Russia remains one of the most powerful nuclear states. ** [https://apnews.com/article/russia-ukraine-vladimir-putin-europe-poland-nuclear-weapons-2503c0d7696a57db4f437c90d3894b18 "Putin waves nuclear sword in confrontation with the West"], Associated Press, 24 February 2022 * We will strive for the demilitarization and [[Denazification|de-Nazification]] of Ukraine. ** [https://www.vox.com/2022/2/24/22948944/putin-ukraine-nazi-russia-speech-declare-war "Putin’s 'Nazi' rhetoric reveals his terrifying war aims in Ukraine"], Vox, 24 February 2022 * Our plans do not include the occupation of Ukrainian territories. We are not going to impose anything on anyone by force. ** [http://www.xinhuanet.com/english/20220224/5670436eb69e47c78d9c23428b1ffdce/c.html "Putin authorizes "special military operation" in Donbass"], Xinhuanet, 24 February 2022 *I want to remind those who allow themselves such statements about Russia, that our country has a variety of weapons of destruction, and in some areas even more modern than those in NATO Countries. We will without question use all the means at our disposal to protect Russia and our People. This is not a bluff. **[https://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2022/sep/21/not-bluffing-putin-accuses-west-nuclear-blackmail-video/''Im not Bluffing on Nukes'' says Putin] * Our goal is something else—to unite the Russian people. ** {{cite news |title=Putin Says West Aiming to Tear Apart Russia |publisher=Voice of America |url=https://www.voanews.com/a/putin-says-west-aiming-to-tear-apart-russia-/6890771.html |date=2022-12-25 |accessdate=2022-12-28 |postscript=. From a TV interview, 25 Dec 2022}} [[File: Vladimir Putin (2021-02-27).jpg|thumb|[To the] ...Ukrainian Armed Forces. Comrade officers, Your fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers did not fight the Nazi occupiers and did not defend our common Motherland to allow today’s neo-Nazis to seize power in Ukraine. You swore the oath of allegiance to the Ukrainian people and not to the junta, the people’s adversary which is plundering Ukraine and humiliating the Ukrainian people.... I urge you to immediately lay down arms and go home.]] [[File:Flag of the President of Russia.svg|thumb|We can see that the forces that staged the [[W:2014 Ukrainian coup|coup in Ukraine in 2014]] have seized power, are keeping it with the help of ornamental election procedures and have abandoned the path of a peaceful conflict settlement.]] ===== [[w:On conducting a special military operation|On conducting a "special military operation" in Ukraine]] (24 February 2022) ===== :<small>Public assertions made about his motivations and decision to initiate the [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] · [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67843 Full text online] · [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/vladimirputinrussianmilitarycampaignukraine.htm alternate site] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qS6J-WbTD8 Video with English subtitles" (24 February 2022)] </small> * I will begin with what I said in my address on February 21, 2022. I spoke about our biggest concerns and worries, and about the fundamental threats which irresponsible Western politicians created for Russia consistently, rudely and unceremoniously from year to year. I am referring to the [[W:Enlargement of NATO|eastward expansion of NATO]], which is moving its military infrastructure ever closer to the Russian border. It is a fact that over the past 30 years we have been patiently trying to come to an agreement with the leading NATO countries regarding the principles of equal and indivisible security in Europe.<BR>In response to our proposals, we invariably faced either cynical deception and lies or attempts at pressure and blackmail, while the North Atlantic alliance continued to expand despite our protests and concerns. Its military machine... is approaching our very border. Why is this happening? Where did this insolent manner of talking down from the height of their exceptionalism, infallibility and all-permissiveness come from? What is the explanation for this contemptuous and disdainful attitude to our interests and absolutely legitimate demands.<BR>Entreaties and requests do not help. Anything that does not suit the dominant state, the powers that be, is denounced as archaic, obsolete and useless. At the same time, everything it regards as useful is presented as the ultimate truth and forced on others regardless of the cost, abusively and by any means available. Those who refuse to comply are subjected to strong-arm tactics. *Russia is not the only country that is worried about this. This has to do with the entire system of international relations, and sometimes even US allies. The collapse of the Soviet Union led to a redivision of the world, and the norms of [[international law]] that developed by that time – and the most important of them, the fundamental norms that were adopted [[Aftermath of World War II|following WWII]] and largely formalised its outcome – came in the way of those who declared themselves the winners of the [[Cold War]]. <BR>...we saw a state of euphoria created by the feeling of absolute superiority, a kind of modern [[absolutism]], coupled with the low cultural standards and arrogance of those who formulated and pushed through decisions that suited only themselves. The situation took a different turn. <BR>There are many examples of this. First [[Kosovo War|a bloody military operation]] was waged against [[Belgrade]], without the [[UN Security Council]]’s sanction but with combat aircraft and missiles used in the heart of Europe. The bombing of peaceful cities and vital infrastructure went on for several weeks. I have to recall these facts, because some Western colleagues prefer to forget them, and when we mentioned the event, they prefer to avoid speaking about international law... <BR>Then came the turn of [[Iraq]], [[Libya]] and [[Syria]]. The illegal use of military power against Libya and the distortion of all the UN Security Council decisions on Libya ruined the state, created a huge seat of international terrorism, and pushed the country towards a humanitarian catastrophe, into the vortex of a civil war, which has continued there for years.... A similar fate was also prepared for Syria. The combat operations conducted by the Western coalition in that country without the Syrian government’s approval or UN Security Council’s sanction can only be defined as aggression and intervention... But the example that stands apart from the above events is, of course, the invasion of [[Iraq War|Iraq]] without any legal grounds. *Overall, it appears that nearly everywhere, in many regions of the world where the United States brought its law and order, this created bloody, non-healing wounds and the curse of international terrorism and extremism. I have only mentioned the most glaring but far from only examples of disregard for [[International law|international law.]]<BR> This array includes promises not to expand NATO eastwards even by an inch. To reiterate: they have deceived us, or, to put it simply, they have played us... This type of con-artist behaviour is contrary not only to the principles of international relations but also and above all to the generally accepted norms of morality and ethics. Where is justice and truth here? Just lies and hypocrisy all around. *Incidentally, US [[politicians]], [[Political science|political scientists]] and [[Journalism|journalists]] write and say that a veritable "empire of lies" has been created inside the United States in recent years. It is hard to disagree with this – it is really so. But one should not be modest about it: the United States is still a great country and a system-forming power. All its satellites not only humbly and obediently say yes to and parrot it at the slightest pretext but also imitate its behaviour and enthusiastically accept the rules it is offering them. Therefore, one can say with good reason and confidence that the whole so-called Western bloc formed by the United States in its own image and likeness is, in its entirety, the very same "empire of lies". *Properly speaking, the attempts to use us in their own interests never ceased until quite recently: they sought to destroy our traditional values and force on us their false values that would erode us, our people from within, the attitudes they have been aggressively imposing on their countries, attitudes that are directly leading to degradation and degeneration, because they are contrary to [[human nature]]. This is not going to happen. No one has ever succeeded in doing this, nor will they succeed now. *With NATO’s eastward expansion the situation for Russia has been becoming worse and more dangerous by the year. Moreover, these past days NATO leadership has been blunt in its statements that they need to accelerate and step up efforts to bring the alliance’s infrastructure closer to Russia’s borders. In other words, they have been toughening their position. We cannot stay idle and passively observe these developments. This would be an absolutely irresponsible thing to do for us. *For the United States and its allies, it is a policy of containing Russia, with obvious geopolitical dividends. For our country, it is a matter of life and death, a matter of our historical future as a nation. This is not an exaggeration; this is a fact. It is not only a very real threat to our interests but to the very existence of our state and to its sovereignty. It is the red line which we have spoken about on numerous occasions. They have crossed it. *We can see that the forces that staged the coup in Ukraine in 2014 have seized power, are keeping it with the help of ornamental election procedures and have abandoned the path of a peaceful conflict settlement. For eight years, for eight endless years we have been doing everything possible to settle the situation by peaceful political means. *I would also like to address the military personnel of the Ukrainian Armed Forces. Comrade officers, Your fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers did not fight the Nazi occupiers and did not defend our common Motherland to allow today’s [[neo-Nazis]] to seize power in Ukraine. You swore the oath of allegiance to the Ukrainian people and not to the junta, the people’s adversary which is plundering Ukraine and humiliating the Ukrainian people. I urge you to refuse to carry out their criminal orders. I urge you to immediately lay down arms and go home. The military personnel of the Ukrainian army who do this will be able to freely leave the zone of hostilities and return to their families... *I want to emphasize again that all responsibility for the possible bloodshed will lie fully and wholly with the ruling Ukrainian regime. *At the end of the day, the future of Russia is in the hands of its multi-ethnic people, as has always been the case in our history. This means that the decisions that I made will be executed, that we will achieve the goals we have set, and reliably guarantee the security of our Motherland. *I believe in your support and the invincible force rooted in the love for our Fatherland. <hr> <br> <i> About Russian nuclear weapons: </i> * Not only do Western countries take unfriendly measures against our countries in the economic dimension, I mean the illegal [[Economic sanctions|sanctions]] that everyone knows about very well, but also the top officials of leading NATO countries allow themselves to make aggressive statements with regards to our country. That is why I order the defense minister and chief of the general staff to put Russian deterrence forces on high combat alert. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2022/feb/27/vladimir-putin-puts-russian-nuclear-forces-on-high-alert-video "Vladimir Putin puts Russian nuclear forces on high alert – video"], 27 February 2022 <br> * The Western community, which I called 'the empire of lies', is trying to impose [[Economic sanctions|sanctions]] on our country. ** [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/europe/putin-calls-west-an-empire-of-lies-after-sanctions-imposed/articleshow/89899775.cms ""Russia reels from sanctions as Putin calls West 'empire of lies'"], The Times of India, 28 February 2022 * Russia is open to dialogue with the Ukrainian side, as well as with everyone who wants peace in Ukraine. But under the condition that all Russian demands are met. ** [https://www.moneycontrol.com/news/world/vladimir-putin-says-ready-for-ukraine-dialogue-if-all-russian-demands-met-8195531.html "Vladimir Putin says ready for Ukraine dialogue if 'all Russian demands' met"], AFP/Moneycontrol, 4 March 2022 * I want to emphasize once again. We have no ill intentions towards our neighbors, and I would advise them not to escalate the situation, nor to introduce any restrictions. * All our actions, if they arise, always arise exclusively in response to unfriendly actions against Russia. * We do not see any need here to escalate the situation or worsen our relations. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/russia-ukraine-putin-intentions-war-zelensky-1684887 "Vladimir Putin Says Russia Has 'No Ill Intentions,' Pleads for No More Sanctions"], Newsweek, 4 March 2022 * I think everyone should think about normalising relations and cooperating normally. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/putin-says-no-ill-intention-145603868.html "Putin says he has 'no ill intention' toward Russia's neighbors as his troops are accused of war crimes in Ukraine"], Yahoo News, 4 March 2022 * It’s apparent that organizing an economic blitzkrieg against Russia and demoralizing our society, taking us by force, didn’t work. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/putin-russian-troops-killing-ukrainian-kids-are-heroes "Putin: Russian Troops Killing Ukrainian Kids Are Heroes"], Daily Beast, 16 March 2022 * [Russians] will always be able to distinguish true patriots from scum and traitors and will simply spit them out like a gnat that accidentally flew into their mouths. I am convinced that such a natural and necessary self-purification of society will only strengthen our country. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/3/17/scum-and-traitors-vladimir-putin-threatens-anti-war-russians "‘Scum and traitors’: Vladimir Putin threatens anti-war Russians"], Al Jazeera, 17 March 2022 * It is difficult for us at the moment. Russian financial companies, major enterprises, small and medium-sized businesses are facing unprecedented pressure. * Clearly, in the new realities, we will have to make deep structural changes in our economy, and I will not pretend that they will be easy or that they will not lead to a temporary increase in [[inflation]] and [[unemployment]]. ** [https://www.facebook.com/TheYoungTurks/videos/916021115735998 "Putin Calls For PURGE Of Pro-Western Russians"], The Young Turks, Facebook, 20 March 2022 * When they won the Cold War, the US declared themselves God's own representatives on earth, people who have no responsibilities -- only interests. They have declared those interests sacred. Now it's one-way traffic, which makes the world unstable. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/06/17/europe/russia-president-vladimir-putin-speech-spief-intl/index.html "Putin lambasts the West and declares the end of 'the era of the unipolar world'"], CNN, 17 June 2022 * What is the [[Soviet Union]]? It’s [[History of Russia|historical Russia]]. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/putin-considers-entire-soviet-union-170032123.html "Putin considers entire Soviet Union to be historical Russian territory"], Yahoo News/RIA Novosti, 17 June 2022 * There is nothing that could bother us about [[Sweden]] and [[Finland]] joining NATO. If Finland and Sweden wish to, they can join. That's up to them. They can join whatever they want. * Our army does not attack any civilian infrastructure site. We have every capability of knowing what is situated where ** [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10967023/Putin-insists-DOESNT-care-Finland-Sweden-join-NATO-denied-bombing-Ukrainian-mall.html "Humiliated Putin scrambles to save face as Sweden and Finland join NATO: Russian leader says countries 'can join whatever they like' - and attacks the bloc's 'imperialist ambitions'"], Daily Mail, 29 June 2022 * The West is degenerating into [[totalitarianism]]. ** [https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/putin-challenges-the-west-to-take-on-russias-army-declaring-they-want-to-beat-us-let-them-try/ar-AAZkt76 "Putin challenges the West to take on Russia's army, declaring 'They want to beat us - let them try'"], MSN, 7 July 2022 * We have not lost anything and will not lose anything. * Of course, a certain polarisation is taking place, both in the world and within the country, but I believe that this will only be beneficial, because everything that is unnecessary, harmful and... prevents us from moving forward will be rejected. ** Said about the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] and the Western sanctions imposed in order to make Russia stop attacking, quoted in [https://news.sky.com/story/ukraine-war-vladimir-putin-claims-russia-hasnt-lost-anything-and-didnt-start-military-operations-12691800 "Vladimir Putin claims Russia hasn't 'lost anything' in Ukraine war and didn't 'start military operations'"], Sky News, 7 September 2022 * The [[dictatorship]] of the Western elites is directed against all societies, including the peoples of the Western countries themselves. This is a challenge to all. * This is a complete denial of humanity, the overthrow of faith and traditional values. Indeed, the suppression of freedom itself has taken on the features of a religion: outright [[Satan|Satanism]]. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/putin-chief-exorcist-kremlin-desatanization-ukraine-security-council-1754912 "Putin Appointed 'Chief Exorcist' as Kremlin Whips up Satanic Panic"], Newsweek, 26 October 2022 * You know this very well: we have always treated the Ukrainian people with respect and warmth. So it was and so it is, despite today's tragic confrontation. ** [http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/69781 "Встреча с историками и представителями традиционных религий России"] (Russian; "Meeting with historians and representatives of traditional religions of Russia"), Kremlin, 4. november 2022 * We share your pain ** Putin to mothers of soldiers killed in the [[Ukraine]] [caption on [[CNN]]-[[The Situation Room]] with [[Wolf Blitzer]]] (earlier today) also on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNF43XeUojk Youtube] in [[Russian]] * There's a lot of noise right now about our strikes against the energy infrastructure of the neighbouring country. Yes, we are doing it, but who started it? Who struck the Crimean bridge? Who blew up the power lines to the Kursk Nuclear Power Station? Who is not providing water to Donetsk? Not providing water to a city with 1 million population is an act of genocide. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/new-video-sparks-speculation-about-drunk-putin-1765772?fbclid=IwAR0YWSNt9TxW4ApdV12X6DK_3WynoL3qGPTMP43t9uhGkO8TsOggYDwuf-c "New Video Sparks Speculation About 'Drunk' Putin"], Newsweek, 8 December 2022 * You can't trust anyone, just me. ** [https://www.mk.ru/politics/2022/12/09/putin-verit-nikomu-nelzya-tolko-mne-mozhno.html "Путин: «Верить никому нельзя, только мне можно»"], Moscow's Komsomolets, 9 December 2022 * Our goal is not to spin the flywheel of military conflict, but, on the contrary, to end this '''war'''. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/22/europe/putin-uses-word-war-fighting-ukraine-russia-intl-hnk/index.html "For first known time in public, Putin calls fighting in Ukraine a ‘war’"], CNN, 23 December 2022 ==== 2023 ==== * The sanctions imposed against the Russian economy in the medium term could really have a negative impact. ** [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/vladimir-putin-says-sanctions-could-have-negative-impact-on-russia-3904798 "Vladimir Putin Says Sanctions Could Have "Negative Impact" On Russia"], NDTV (30 March 2023) * We do not intend to isolate ourselves from anyone, we have no preconceived or what's more hostile intentions towards anyone. ** [https://www.wionews.com/world/russia-doesnt-want-to-isolate-itself-is-open-to-global-partnership-says-putin-579612 "Russia doesn't want to isolate itself, is open to global partnership, says Putin"], WIO News (6 April 2023) * The T-90M Proryv is the world’s best tank. As soon as it approaches positions, no chance is left for anyone or anything. ** [https://tass.com/politics/1631579 "Putin calls T-90M Proryv world’s best main battle tank"], ''TASS'' (June 13, 2023) * Anyone who consciously goes along the path of betrayal, who is prepared for armed mutiny, and takes the course of blackmail and terrorist actions, will receive an inevitable punishment. * Those who have been pulled into the crime, I'm asking you not to make this crucial, tragic, unrepeatable mistake [...] Make the right choice and stop participating in criminal actions. * As President of Russia and the Supreme Commander, as a citizen of Russia, I will do everything to defend the country, protect the Constitution, lives and safety, liberty of our citizens. * We fight for the lives and security of our people. For our sovereignty and independence [...] The right to remain as Russia, a state with a 1,000 years of history. * Our external enemies are using any arguments to undermine us from within [...] Thus, actions splitting our unity is a betrayal of our people, our combat brothers who fight now at the frontline. It's a dagger in the back of our country and our people. ** Speech delivered on Russian television (24 June 2023) on the [[w:Wagner Group rebellion|rebellion]] led by [[Yevgeny Prigozhin]] and the [[w:Wagner Group|Wagner Group]], as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2023/06/24/putin-prigozhin-wagner-coup-russia-ukraine-punish-traitors/ "Putin vows to brutally punish 'traitor' Prigozhin and his Wagner mercenaries"] ''The Telegraph'' (24 June 2023) ** In some reports, "dagger in the back" was rendered as "[[w:Stab-in-the-back myth|stab in the back]]". * The maintenance of the entire Wagner group was fully provided for by the state. ** Comment (27 June 2023) quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/07/14/europe/russia-putin-wagner-prigozhin-tensions-intl/index.html "Wagner ‘does not exist’: Why Putin claims a rift in the mercenary group"], ''CNN'' (14 July 2023) * [[w:Wagner Group|Wagner PMC]] does not exist. We do not have a law for private military organizations. It simply does not exist. * There is no such legal entity. ** Comment (13 July 2023) quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/07/14/europe/russia-putin-wagner-prigozhin-tensions-intl/index.html "Wagner ‘does not exist’: Why Putin claims a rift in the mercenary group"], ''CNN'' (14 July 2023) * Western curators have put [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|a person]] at the head of modern Ukraine - an ethnic Jew, with Jewish roots, with Jewish origins.<br />And thus, in my opinion, they seem to be covering up an anti-human essence that is the foundation... of the modern Ukrainian state.<br />And this makes the whole situation extremely disgusting, in that an ethnic Jew is covering up the glorification of Nazism and covering up those who led [[the Holocaust]] in Ukraine at one time - and this is the extermination of one and a half million people. ** In an appearance on Russian television (5 September 2023), as quoted in [https://www.thejc.com/news/world/putin-claims-zelensky-was-put-in-office-by-the-west-to-cover-up-glorification-of-nazism-5HnmWH8aA38d4bU0PTi1K1 "Putin claims Zelensky was put in office by the West to 'cover up glorification of Nazism'"], ''[[w:The Jewish Chronicle|The Jewish Chronicle]]'' (6 September 2023). ** [[w:Mykhailo Podolyak|Mykhailo Podolyak]], an advisor to the president of Ukraine, said Putin is "disgusting when he tries to justify mass crimes against citizens of another country with a monstrous lie". * It is not right to do anything in foreign policy that harms the interests of other peoples. ** Said about the [[Soviet Union]] sending tanks into [[w:Hungarian Revolution of 1956|Budapest in 1956]] and into [[w:Warsaw Pact invasion of Czechoslovakia|Prague in 1968]], as quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/putin-sending-soviet-tanks-into-hungary-czechoslovakia-was-mistake-2023-09-12/ "Putin: sending Soviet tanks into Hungary and Czechoslovakia was a mistake"], ''Reuters'' (12 September 2023) * We did not start the so-called war in Ukraine. On the contrary - we are trying to finish it. ** Claimed without providing evidence, at a meeting of the Valdai Discussion Club in Sochi, as cited in [https://www.jpost.com/international/article-761849 "Vladimir Putin: West has lost touch with reality, Russia pushing back"], ''The Jerusalem Post'' (Reuters, 5 October 2023) * The terrifying events happening right now in Gaza, where hundreds of thousands of totally innocent people are being killed without differentiation, unable to flee, cannot be justified in any way. ** [https://www.ft.com/content/3da1eb7b-318c-41f2-8ec3-07e19bdcbb59 "What antisemitic attacks in Dagestan say about Vladimir Putin’s Russia"], ''Financial Times'' (30 October 2023) (No details or proof were given regarding the claim about "hundreds of thousands" that are "being killed") *[About the death of [[Henry Kissinger]] ] An outstanding diplomat, a wise and far-sighted statesman who enjoyed well-deserved respect around the world for decades, has passed away. **[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/72875 Condolences over the passing of Henry Kissinger] * There will be peace when we will achieve our goals. ** Said in annual Q&A session, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/putin-russia-press-conference-moscow-ukraine-ef4e88fda50e6ad75b8a1979b95d9fcc "Putin says there will be no peace in Ukraine until Russia’s goals, still unchanged, are achieved"], ''AP News'' (14 December 2023) ==== 2024 ==== *The [[CIA]] did its job to complete the coup <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Euromaidan]]<nowiki>]</nowiki>. I think one of the Deputy Secretaries of State said that it cost a large sum of money, almost 5 billion dollars. But the political mistake was colossal! Why would they have to do that? All this could have been done legally, without victims, without military action, without losing Crimea. We would have never considered to even lift a finger if it hadn’t been for the bloody developments on Maidan. Because we agreed with the fact that after the collapse of the Soviet Union our borders should be along the borders of former Union’s republics. We agreed to that. But we never agreed to NATO’s expansion and moreover we never agreed that Ukraine would be in NATO. We did not agree to NATO bases there without any discussion with us. For decades we kept urging them: don’t do this, don’t do that. ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/73411 Interview to Tucker Carlson], (February 9, 2024) * What kind of negotiations can we talk about with people who indiscriminately strike civilians, civilian infrastructure and try to endanger nuclear power facilities? ** [https://english.pravda.ru/news/hotspots/160336-putin-kursk-ukraine/ "Putin: It makes no sense to talk to those who strike civilians"], Pravdareport (August 12, 2024) * No one seems to consider whether Europeans want to jeopardise their relationship with China by getting involved in Asian affairs through NATO, creating a situation that raises concerns among regional countries, including China. I can assure you that they do not want this. Yet, they are being pulled into this, like small dogs on a leash pulled by a big fellow. * Let me remind you once again: back in 2014, the Western countries led by the US organised, or at least supported, [[Revolution_of_Dignity|a coup d'etat]]. This is what sparked the crisis. Then, NATO has been pushed into it for many years. This is how the crisis began. And the war began in 2014, too, because they launched armed actions involving armed forces against people who didn’t accept the coup. So the war broke out in 2014. ** "Meeting with journalists from BRICS countries (''en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/75349'')", Novo-Ogaryovo, Moscow Region (October 18, 2024) ====2025==== *[About Ukrainians] They will not exist for a month if the money and, in a broad sense, run out. Everything would be over in a month or two. **As quoted in ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thwnrCmiQ94 Putin Refuses Talks With 'Illegitimate' Zelensky, Threatens Kyiv | 'It Won't Exist If West's...']'', ''[[w:en:Times of India|Times of India]]'' (January 28, 2025) *If ([[Zelensky]]) wants to participate in the negotiations, I will allocate people to take part in the negotiations. [He is] an illegitimate [leader]. If there is a desire to negotiate and find a compromise, let anyone lead the negotiations there... Naturally, we will strive for what suits us, what corresponds to our interests. ** As quoted in ''[https://thepeninsulaqatar.com/article/28/01/2025/putin-says-talks-with-ukraine-possible-but-not-illegitimate-with-zelensky Putin says talks with Ukraine possible, but not with 'illegitimate' Zelensky]'', ''[[w:en:The Peninsula (newspaper)|The Peninsula]]'' (January 28, 2025) * Russians and Ukrainians are one people. In this sense, all of Ukraine is ours. There’s an old rule that wherever a Russian soldier sets foot, that’s ours. * Now we are forced to create a security zone along the border. We're not planning to take Sumy. But I do not rule it out. ** [https://meduza.io/en/news/2025/06/20/wherever-a-russian-soldier-sets-foot-that-s-ours-vladimir-putin-declares "‘Wherever a Russian soldier sets foot, that’s ours,’ Vladimir Putin declares"] ''Meduza'' (June 22, 2025) * ''About the possibility of having peacekeeping troops from Western countries stationed in Ukraine: : If some troops appear there, especially now, during military operations, we proceed from the fact that these will be legitimate targets for destruction. :* [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/sep/05/western-troops-ukraine-legitimate-targets-vladimir-putin-says "Western troops in Ukraine would be ‘legitimate targets’, Putin says"] ''The Guardian'' (September 5, 2025) ==== 2026 ==== * We are all going through everything that’s happening in the Ukrainian direction right now. But how did it all start? With Ukraine’s attempt to join the EU. ** [https://www.euractiv.com/news/putin-says-armenia-eu-membership-referendum-would-be-logical/ "Putin says Armenia EU membership referendum would be 'logical'"] ''Euractiv'' (May 10, 2026) * Recently—I won’t give an exact figure for the number of settlements, as I’m afraid of getting it wrong—but the Russian army has brought approximately 2’440’000 square kilometres [in Ukraine] under its control. ** Ukraine's territory in its internationally recognized borders is 603'600 km2 [https://ru.themoscowtimes.com/2026/06/05/putin-zayavil-chto-zahvatil-dve-tisyachi-chetiresta-sorok-tisyach-kvadratnih-kilometrov-ukraini-eto-v4-raza-bolshe-vsei-eeterritorii-a197388 Путин заявил, что захватил «две тысячи четыреста сорок тысяч квадратных километров» Украины. Это в 4 раза больше всей ее территории], ''The Moscow Times'' (5 June 2026) {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * To forgive the terrorists is up to God, but to send them to him is up to me. ** [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/rest-of-world/Guess-what-Vladimir-Putin-never-said/articleshow/49846646.cms "Guess what Vladimir Putin never said"], ''The Times of India'' (19 November 2015) {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Putin == :<small>Alphabetized by author or source </small><!-- this should be PRIMARY organization, and THEN chronologically, if there are multiple statements by an author or source — this has currently NOT been followed — resulting in a VERY CONFUSING MESS of attempts to organize diverse and scattered comments from multiple authors and sources chronologically and then GEOGRAPHICALLY — I currently do NOT have time to reorganize this now — but may do so within a few weeks if no one else is interested in doing so. ~ Kalki 2025·08·31  --> [[File:Bush&Putin33rdG8.jpg|thumb|I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]] ===2000s=== * '''Putin’s control of the media is becoming more and more comprehensive. What is left over, that ownership does not ensure, self-censorship increasingly neuters. The ''[[Gleichschaltung]]'' of parliament and political parties is, if anything, even more impressive.''' The presidential party, United Russia, and its assorted allies, with no more specific programme than unconditional support for Putin, command some 70 per cent of the seats in the Duma, enough to rewrite the constitution if that were required. But a one-party state is not in the offing. On the contrary, mindful of the rules of any self-respecting democracy, the Kremlin’s political technicians are now putting together an opposition party designed to clear the bedraggled remnants of [[Communism]] — [[liberalism]] has already been expunged — from the political scene, and provide a decorative pendant to the governing party in the next parliament. ** [[Perry Anderson]], in [https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v29/n02/perry-anderson/russia-s-managed-democracy "Russia’s Managed Democracy", ''London Review of Books'' Vol. 29 No. 2 (25 January 2007)] * I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul; a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country. ** [[George W. Bush]], [http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2001/06/20010618.html joint press conference] (16 June 2001) * Under Russian Federation President and former career foreign [[Intelligence-gathering|intelligence]] officer Vladimir Putin, an 'FSB State' composed of chekists has been established and is consolidating its hold on the country. Its closest partners are organized criminals. In a world marked by a [[Globalization|globalized]] economy and [[Information technology|information infrastructure]], and with transnational terrorism groups utilizing all available means to achieve their goals and further their interests, Russian intelligence collaboration with these elements is potentially disastrous. ** Julie Anderson, [http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/08850600500483699 "The Chekist Takeover of the Russian State"], ''International Journal of Intelligence and Counter-Intelligence'' (May 2006), Volume 19, Issue 2, pp. 237&ndash;288. * …this may be the time to say one or two things to the person responsible for my present condition. You may succeed in silencing me but that silence comes at a price. You have shown yourself to be as barbaric and ruthless as your most hostile critics have claimed. You have shown yourself to have no respect for life, liberty or any civilised value. You have shown yourself to be unworthy of your office, to be unworthy of the trust of civilised men and women. You may succeed in silencing one man but the howl of protest from around the world will reverberate, Mr Putin, in your ears for the rest of your life. May God forgive you for what you have done, not only to me but to beloved Russia and its people. ** Final statement of [[Alexander Litvinenko]], issued posthumously. {{cite news| url=http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6180262.stm |work=BBC News | title=In full: Litvinenko statement | date=24 November 2006}} * [In 2000] Vladimir Putin had the intelligence, energy and stamina the country needed to get Russia's economy on track and handle its complicated politics. ** [[Bill Clinton]], as quoted in "[http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/29/opinion/29clinton.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Boris the Fighter]" (29 April 2007), ''The New York Times'' * This guy is a KGB guy. This guy issues a law allowing the Russians to kill opponents abroad. So they kill opponents abroad. This is absolutely logical. Why did they issue this law? For what? Because this is Russia and nobody agrees to kill without the signature of somebody more important who gave the order. ** [[Boris Berezovsky]], as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2007/01/29/kremlin-inc "Kremlin, Inc.: Why are Vladimir Putin’s opponents dying?"] (29 January 2007), by Michael Specter, ''The New Yorker''. * I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a 'K', a 'G', and a 'B'. ** [[John McCain]], as quoted in [http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/07/hillary_clinton_campaigning_ponders_putins_soul/ "Hillary Clinton Campaigning Ponders Putin's Soul"] (2008), ''Boston''. * I looked into his eyes and I didn't see his soul, but a cold-blooded killer. [[Robert Gates]] to [[George W. Bush|George W Bush]], as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/tv/2022/02/27/exp-gps-0227-gates-russia-ukraine-putin.cnn/ "On GPS: Gates on Putin, 27 February 2022"] (2006) * [[Russia]] is a new phenomenon in Europe: a state defined and dominated by former and active-duty security and intelligence officers. Not even [[fascist]] [[Italy]], [[Nazi Germany]], or the [[Soviet Union]] – all undoubtedly much worse creations than Russia; were as top-heavy with intelligence talent ... There is no historical precedent for a society so dominated by former and active-duty internal-security and intelligence officials; men who rose up in a professional culture in which [[murder]] could be an acceptable, even obligatory, [[business]] practice... Those who operated within the Soviet sphere were the most malevolent in their practices. These men mentored and shaped Putin and his closest friends and allies. It is therefore unsurprising that Putin's Russia has become an assassination-happy state where detention, interrogation, and torture; all tried and true methods of the Soviet [[KGB]]; are used to silence the voices of untoward [[Journalism|journalists]] and [[Businessperson|businessmen]] who annoy or threaten Putin's FSB state. ** [[Reuel Marc Gerecht|Reuel M. Gerecht]], [http://www.aei.org/publications/filter.all,pubID.25917/pub_detail.asp "A Rogue Intelligence State? Why Europe and America Cannot Ignore Russia"] (6 April 2007), AEI. [[File:რატომ?.jpg|thumb|400px|right|Putin told several Western leaders, “I want Saakashvili’s head.” <br/> If they want my head, for me it’s more funny than troubling. <br/> ~ [[Mikheil Saakashvili]]]] * Putin told several Western leaders, “I want Saakashvili’s head.” If they want my head, for me it’s more funny than troubling. ** [[Mikheil Saakashvili]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/magazine/19WWln-q4-t.html "An American Friend"] (19 October 2008), ''The New York Times'' * ''Ich glaube ihm das, und ich bin davon überzeugt, dass er das ist.'' ** I believe him, and I'm convinced that he is. ** German Chancellor [[Gerhard Schröder]] responding to the question ''Ist Putin ein lupenreiner Demokrat?'' (Is Putin an exemplary democrat?), interview on the television show ‘Beckmann’, 23 November 2004, quoted on [http://www.dradio.de/dlf/sendungen/interview_dlf/1015218/ dradio.de] ===2010s=== * I repent and ask for forgiveness for bringing Vladimir Putin to power. I should have seen, but could not see in him the future of a greedy tyrant and usurper, a man who trampled freedom and stopped the development of Russia. Many of us did not recognize it then, but that does not excuse me. I'm sorry. ** [[Boris Berezovsky]], Facebook posting (26 February 2012) * Mother of God, Drive Putin Away. ** Title of a song by the Russian music group Pussy Riot, quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-absurd-and-outrageous-trial-of-pussy-riot "The Absurd and Outrageous Trial of Pussy Riot"], New Yorker, 7 August 2012 * Vladimir Putin wants to restore the old Russian empire. He cannot stand a free, democratic, prosperous [[Ukraine]], because sooner or later the people of [[Russia]] would want to have that kind of lifestyle as well. **[[John McCain]], quoted in [https://www.voanews.com/a/mccain-urges-crushing-sanctions-for-russia-arms-for-ukraine/2439206.html "McCain Urges 'Crushing' Sanctions for Russia, Arms for Ukraine"] ''Voice of America'' (September 4, 2014) * Putin’s intimidating aura is often reinforced by his controlled mannerisms, modulated tone, and steady gaze. But he can get quite animated if he wants to drive home a point, his eyes flashing and his voice rising in pitch... “You Americans need to listen more,” President Putin said as I handed him my credentials as ambassador, before I had gotten a word out of my mouth. “You can’t have everything your way anymore. We can have effective relations, but not just on your terms.” <br>It was 2005, and in the ensuing years I would hear that message again and again, as unsubtle and defiantly charmless as the man himself... ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * Putin... seemed in many ways the anti-Yeltsin—younger, sober, fiercely competent, hardworking and hard-faced... he was determined to show that Russia would no longer be the potted plant of major-power politics. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * Early on in his Kremlin tenure, Putin had tested, with President [[George W. Bush]], a form of partnership suited to his view of Russian interests and prerogatives. He imagined a common front in the post-9/11 [[War on terror|War on Terror]], in return for acceptance of Russia’s special influence in the former Soviet Union, with no encroachment by [[NATO]] beyond the Baltics and no interference in Russia’s domestic politics. But this kind of transaction was never in [[Foreign policy of the United States|the cards]].... [[Barack Obama|Obama]] struggled to stay connected to Putin, whose suspicions never really eased.... We managed a string of tangible accomplishments: a new nuclear-arms-reduction treaty; a military transit agreement for Afghanistan; a partnership on the Iranian nuclear issue. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 *The upheavals of the [[Arab Spring]] unnerved Putin; he reportedly watched [[w:Muammar Gaddafi#Capture and killing|the grisly video of the demise]] of the Libyan leader [[Muammar Gaddafi|Muammar Qaddafi—]] caught hiding in a drainage pipe and killed by Western-backed rebels—over and over again. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * [[Barack Obama|President Barack Obama]] first met with Putin in Moscow in July 2009, and I accompanied him... En route to Putin’s dacha... I suggested that Obama open the meeting with a question. Why not ask Putin for his candid assessment of what he thought had gone right, and what had gone wrong, in Russian-American relations over the past decade? Putin liked being asked his opinion... Maybe letting him get some things off his chest would set a good tone. The president nodded. Obama’s initial question produced an unbroken 55-minute monologue filled with grievances, sharp asides, and acerbic commentary. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * Vladimir Putin, yeah, I met with him a lot during the presidency... I got to know him very well. I had a good relationship throughout, it became more tense as time went on... Vladimir’s a person who in many ways views the U.S. as an enemy... And although he wouldn’t say that, I felt that he viewed the world as either the U.S. benefits and Russia loses or vice-versa. I tried of course to dispel him of that notion... ** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.politico.com/story/2014/04/george-w-bush-vladimir-putin-barney-dog-105379 ''Today''] (April 2014), NBC [[File:Парад в честь 70-летия Великой Победы - 26.jpg|thumb|I have had closer interactions with President Putin than with any other foreign colleagues. He is my best and bosom friend. I cherish dearly our deep friendship. ~[[Xi Jinping]]]] *I have had closer interactions with President Putin than with any other foreign colleagues. He is my best and bosom friend. I cherish dearly our deep friendship. **[[Xi Jinping]], as quoted in "[https://www.businessinsider.com/china-xi-jinping-russia-vladimir-putin-best-friends-photos-2019-6 18 photos that show the blossoming bromance between China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin]" ''Business Insider'' [[File:Uscapitolindaylight.jpg|thumb|If there is a threat to national and global security today, and a threat to [[free speech]] and independent media, it is not coming from Putin or the Kremlin – but rather from the United States. And until the [[Left-wing politics|American left]] gathers itself and stops listening to the [[w:war hawk|warmongering pundits]] and [[Mainstream media|establishment journalists]] parroting the Washington narrative, we have nothing but a bleak future in front of us with regards to the relation between the two old nemesis nuclear superpower. ~ {{w|Jonathan Sigrist}}]] * People say, "He's the most popular guy in Russia." I say: "Yeah, I'd be popular too if I owned NBC." ** [[George W. Bush]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/is-putin-popular-c/ "Is Putin Popular?"] (2018), by Jay Nordlinger, ''National Review'' * When Putin began talking about Russia’s sovereignty, Russia’s independent course in world affairs, they’re (the Washington elites) aghast... This is not what they expected... Putin was kind of the right person for the right time, both for Russia and for Russian world affairs. ** [[Stephen F. Cohen]] in ''War With Russia? From Putin & Ukraine to Trump & Russiagate'' (2019) * Putin went to [[Texas]]. He had a barbecue with Bush, second Bush. Bush said he ‘looked into his eyes and saw a good soul.’ There was this honeymoon. Why did they turn against Putin?... You have to ask yourself, why is it that Washington had no problem doing productive diplomacy with Soviet communist leaders... Why do we like [[Communism|communist]] leaders in Russia better than we like Russia’s [[Anti-communism|anti-communist]] leader?... Putin said he had illusions about the West when he came to power. ** [[Stephen F. Cohen]] in ''War With Russia? From Putin & Ukraine to Trump & Russiagate'' (2019) * The degradation of [[Mainstream media|mainstream American press]] coverage of Russia, a country still vital to [[national security|US national security]], has been under way for many years. If the recent tsunami of shamefully unprofessional and politically inflammatory articles in leading newspapers and magazines — particularly about the Sochi Olympics, [[Ukraine]] and, unfailingly, President Vladimir Putin — is an indication, this media malpractice is now pervasive and the new norm. ** [[Stephen F. Cohen]], in [https://www.thenation.com/article/distorting-russia/ ''Distorting Russia How the American media misrepresent Putin, Sochi and Ukraine''], ''{{w|The Nation}}'' (February 12, 2014) * After nearly fifteen years of systematic destruction of public space, engineered by Putin, the normal ways by which regular people absorb information about the state of their country are gone. Only a person who had lost his livelihood or half his savings would have been able to report that the economy was failing. ** [[Masha Gessen]], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/news-in-moscow-russia-ruble "The News in Moscow"] (27 December 2014), ''The New Yorker''. * Public space frightens the Putin regime, which has worked hard, and effectively, to destroy it. ** [[Masha Gessen]], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-battle-for-flowers-on-nemtsov-bridge "The Battle For Flowers on Nemtsov Bridge"] (16 April 2015), ''The New Yorker''. * Like the Soviet regime before it, the Putin government spreads fear by destroying the [[illusion]] that one can protect oneself. ** [[Masha Gessen]], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/putins-russia-dont-walk-dont-eat-and-dont-drink?intcid=mod-yml "Putin's Russia: Don't Walk, Don't Eat, and Don't Drink"] (28 May 2015), ''The New Yorker''. * In 1999 the ailing [[Boris Yeltsin|Yeltsin]] anointed a former [[Leningrad]] [[KGB]] boss, Vladimir Putin, as his successor. The contrast was total. Putin was the epitome of a tough, communist-era apparatchik. The ex-[[Intelligence-gathering|intelligence]] officer had no time for the niceties of [[democracy]], but a keen sense of the need to restore Russian pride. He would issue pictures of himself [[hunting]] and bare-chested on horseback. His court of [[Oligarchy|oligarchs]] made sure he secured as much overseas [[wealth]] as they had. [[Putinism|Putin’s politics]], endorsed at increasingly [[Electoral fraud|rigged]] [[Elections in Russia|elections]], made no mention of [[Civil and political rights|civil rights]] or [[Market economy|market economics]]. He was a [[Populism|populist]] and a [[Nationalism|nationalist]], his pledge merely to restore Russia’s integrity and self-confidence. Opponents were bribed, imprisoned or killed. The west might have felt able to humour and torment Yeltsin. It now faced the pastiche tsar of a macho state. That Russia’s economy was debilitated was irrelevant. [[Dictatorship]] thrives on [[poverty]]. ** Simon Jenkins, ''A Short History of Europe: From Pericles to Putin'' (2018) * In 2010 the pro-Russian leader of Ukraine, [[Viktor Yanukovych]], opposed any move to take the country closer to NATO or the EU, but within four years he was [[Revolution of Dignity|ousted by pro-western parties]] in Kiev, precipitating an open civil war in Ukraine’s [[Russian language|Russian-speaking]] eastern provinces, the latter supported by Moscow. Tension was further increased when in 2014 [[Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Putin annexed the formerly Russian territory of Crimea]], granted to Ukraine in the 1950s. Europe replied with a barrage of economic sanctions, which had no political effect beyond entrenching Russia’s siege economy and bringing Putin closer to his oligarchic associates. The economy switched to [[w:Import substitution|import substitution]], including the manufacture of domestic mozzarella and camembert. NATO reopened its invitation to Ukraine and conducted military exercises in the Baltic countries. Russia did likewise. Europe slid back into brinkmanship mode. Misjudging Moscow had long been the occupational disease of European [[diplomacy]]. It cursed alike [[Swedes]], [[Poland|Poles]], [[Napoleon]] and [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. It now blighted a western alliance divided on how to respond to this newly aggressive Russia. ** Simon Jenkins, ''A Short History of Europe: From Pericles to Putin'' (2018) * Russia was now becoming a dominant factor in European diplomacy. It had copious natural resources, a large army, a nuclear arsenal and a reckless capacity for mischief-making, cyber attacks and overseas [[assassination]]. As [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] had said in 1939, Russia might always be ‘a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma’, but on one matter Putin was crystal clear. He did not like NATO’s encirclement of his borders or meddling within his ‘sphere of interest’. In this he had an increasingly sympathetic ear from [[Germany]]’s [[Angela Merkel]] and from some former Warsaw Pact leaders. [[Geography]] mattered. It was easy for Britain and France to play belligerence with Moscow. It was less easy for Germany and the still ingénue democracies to its [[East/Central Europe|east]]. ** Simon Jenkins, ''A Short History of Europe: From Pericles to Putin'' (2018) * Allow dissent & free media for 6 months in Russia and see what happens. Putin would never risk it because he’s terrified of his own people and the truth, like every [[Dictatorship|dictator]]. ** [[Garry Kasparov]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/is-putin-popular-c/ "Is Putin Popular?"] (2018), by Jay Nordlinger, ''National Review'' * The leaders of the free world keep lowering their standards and [[Authoritarianism|authoritarians]] keep taking more territory. Eventually people wake up and ask why Putin murders in the [[United Kingdom|UK]] or hacks in the US. Why wouldn’t he? You didn’t stop him before. ** [[Garry Kasparov]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/is-putin-popular-c/ "Is Putin Popular?"] (2018), by Jay Nordlinger, ''National Review'' * And then there is Russia. Over the past 8 years under President Vladimir Putin, Russia has invaded Ukraine, annexed Crimea, threatened NATO allies, and intervened militarily in Syria, leaving a trail of death and destruction and broken promises in his wake. [[Russian Armed Forces|Russia’s military]] has targeted Syrian hospitals and first responders with precision weapons. Russia supplied the weapons that shot down a commercial aircraft over Ukraine. Russia’s war on Ukraine has killed thousands of Ukrainian soldiers and civilians. And in the most flagrant demonstration of Putin’s disdain and disrespect for our Nation, [[Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections|Russia deliberately interfered in our recent election]] with [[w:cyberwarfare|cyber attacks]] and a [[disinformation]] campaign designed to weaken America and discredit Western values. Each of our last three Presidents has had great expectations of building a partnership with the Russian Government. Each attempt has failed, not for lack of good faith and effort on the U.S. side, but because of a stubborn fact that we must finally recognize: Putin wants to be our enemy. He needs us as his enemy. He will never be our partner, including in fighting ISIL. He believes that strengthening Russia means weakening America. We must proceed realistically on this basis. ** [[John McCain]], during his remarks as Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee during the confirmation hearing on James Mattis' nomination for Secretary of Defense, on January 12, 2017. As quoted on page 19 of the hearing's transcript. * I understand why he has to do this; to prove he's a man... He's afraid of his own weakness. Russia has nothing, no successful politics or economy. All they have is this. ** [[Angela Merkel]], as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/12/01/quiet-german "The Quiet German"] (1 December 2014), by George Paker, ''The New Yorker''. * Putin has a weak hand and he's bluffing, successfully; the West has a strong hand and has no idea what to do with it. ** Jay Nordlinger, [https://www.nationalreview.com/blog/corner/democracy-wont-defend-itself-we-have-to/ "Democracy Won’t Defend Itself; We Have To"] (4 March 2018), ''National Review'' * Putin is slouching…looking like that bored schoolboy in the back of the classroom. ** [[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama II]], as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/wp/2013/08/09/obama-putins-a-sloucher/ "Obama: Putin is slouchin'"], (9 August 2013), ''The Washington Post''. * This man thinks that you can’t criticise your government. This man thinks that if you sing and dance in an inappropriate way you get two years in prison! ** [[Pussy Riot]], as quoted in [http://lybio.net/tag/pussy-riot-vladimir-putin-message-quotes/ "Members of the Pussy Riot burn effigy Putin as they vow to continue their 'musical fight in Russia"] (6 September 2012), ''Lybio.Net''. * History shows that the process of modernization leads societies to form liberal democracies with market systems. Yet some leaders insist on trying to create alternative models, even though those models are unstable and retrograde. Putin's [[Authoritarianism|authoritarian]] effort to create a managed democracy in Russia offers a good example... After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 many people expected Russia to make a rapid transition from communism to democracy... However, what followed in Russia was a period of experimentation with relatively greater [[liberalism]] under President [[Boris Yeltsin]] that led not to democracy, but the rise of Putin and an authoritarian system... Putin's authoritarian system does not mean that he has built a successful alternative to [[liberal democracy]]. Instead, the system owes its existence in part to the slow development of a middle class in Russia that normally would demand a share of power. That slow development, in turn, is largely thanks to the state's monopolization of the country's most lucrative business activities: the export of energy and other natural resources. ** Charles Recknagel, [http://www.rferl.org/content/fukuyama-putinism-islamic-state-liberal-democracy/27518924.html "Fukuyama: 'Putinism', Radical Islam No Alternative To Liberal Democracy"] (30 January 2016), ''Radio Free Europe: Radio Liberty''. * It was great to come so close to Putin and say 'fuck you' straight to his face, almost two years before other Ukrainians understood [[w:Foreign policy of Vladimir Putin#Relations with post-Soviet states|what he was doing to the country]]. ** [[Oksana Shachko]], as quoted in ''[https://luxtimes.lu/archives/12783-interview-speaking-of-femen-ism Interview: Speaking of Femen-ism]'' (3 August 2015), ''{{w|Luxemburger Wort}}''. * Throughout the day before [[w:2018 Russia–United States summit|the summit in Helsinki]], the lead story on the [[The New York Times|New York Times]] home page stayed the same:[https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/15/world/europe/trump-putin-helsinki-summit.html “Just by Meeting With Trump, Putin Comes Out Ahead.”] ... The Washington Post...editorialized that Russia’s President [[Vladimir Putin]] is “an implacably hostile foreign adversary.” ...Contempt for diplomacy with Russia is now extreme... A bellicose stance toward Russia has become so routine and widespread that we might not give it a second thought... ** [[Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2018/07/16/climb-down-summit-hostile-propagandaClimb '''''...Hostile Propaganda: Contempt for diplomacy with Russia is now extreme,''' Common Dreams''] (16 July 2018) ) * Often the biggest lies involve what remains unsaid. For instance, [[Mainstream media|U.S. media]] rarely mention such key matters as the promise-breaking huge expansion of NATO to Russia’s borders since the fall of the [[Berlin Wall]]... or the more than 800 [[United States Armed Forces|U.S. military]] bases overseas -- in contrast to Russia’s nine... We need a major shift in the U.S. approach toward Russia...The lives -- and even existence -- of future generations are at stake in the relationship between Washington and Moscow... The incessant drumbeat is in sync with what [[Martin Luther King Jr.]] called “the madness of militarism." ** [[Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2018/07/16/climb-down-summit-hostile-propagandaClimb '''''...Hostile Propaganda: Contempt for diplomacy with Russia is now extreme,''' Common Dreams''] (16 July 2018) ) * Putin is the most mature statesmen in the whole world right now. He's been there for four [[President of the United States|American presidents]], since [[Bill Clinton|Clinton]]...He's been everywhere, met everybody. And he sees the world as needing balance. It's not a uni-polar world, dominated by the United States... He's been very clear that we need balances of regional power. Unfortunately, the United States just doesn't want to believe that...it's our military side that scares the sh-- out of me,.. as we tend to be arrogant, that's when you become very dangerous. ** [[Oliver Stone]] quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/oliver-stone-bush-biopic-w-militarization-more-dangerous-than-trump-2018-10 ''Oliver Stone says comparing 'disaster' of Bush's presidency to Trump is ridiculous and 'trivializes the situation, Business Insider''] (29 Oct 2018) *Somehow we have to learn that we don't have to be number one. We can be partners with the world.That's what I think Putin sees, very clearly. And he's trying to counter it in every way he can to keep his own region alive. He's in jeopardy. I mean, we have had our sights on him heavily since 2007 or 2008. ** [[Oliver Stone]] quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/oliver-stone-bush-biopic-w-militarization-more-dangerous-than-trump-2018-10 ''Oliver Stone says comparing 'disaster' of Bush's presidency to Trump is ridiculous and 'trivializes the situation, Business Insider''] (29 Oct 2018) * In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea.<BR> Acting like a hegemon, the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate Georgia and Ukraine, Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion. ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,''] [[Oliver Stone]] and {{w|Peter Kuznick}}, (3 April 2019) * In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the [[International Monetary Fund|IMF]] and [[World Bank]] for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. <BR>But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.” ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,''] [[Oliver Stone]] and {{w|Peter Kuznick}}, (3 April 2019) *President Putin has done a lot of [hypocritical and oppressive actions] against his own people, and I would describe that as anti-Russian. **[[Michael McFaul]], former U.S. Ambassador to Russia, [https://highschool.latimes.com/carnegie-mellon-university/an-interview-with-former-u-s-ambassador-to-russia-michael-mcfaul/ An Interview with former U.S. Ambassador to Russia, Michael McFaul] (30 August 2019) [[File:Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad (2017-11-21) 06.jpg|thumb|The different of President Putin, he could see that clearly while the other of in Europe or the Western couldn't see that, that's why the intervention is based on values and at the same time based on the interest of Russian people. ~[[Bashar al-Assad]]]] * When he wanted to intervene he didn't ask anything. First, '''his politics based on value, this is important''', the second thing they enter in common interest they are fighting the terrorists that they could fight in Russia we are fighting the terrorists that could be fighting in Europe and anywhere in some.... in world, but '''the different of President Putin, he could see that clearly while the other of in Europe or the Western couldn't see that, that's why the intervention is based on values and at the same time based on the interest of Russian people.''' ** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on "[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]" * The West used to have "puppets", not independent leaders or officials in any other countries and that's their problem with Putin, '''they demonize Putin because he can say no and he wants to be independent'''; because the West, especially the United States don't accept partners, they only accept "followers" even Europe is not part of the United States, that's to be very frank with you, so this is their problem in Syria they need somebody to keep saying yes, like puppet and marionette and so on, somebody you can control from...by remote control ** [[Bashar al-Assad]], ''President al Assad’s interview with Charlie Rose'', CBS News (2017) * The [[Jamal Khashoggi|Khashoggi]] episode- made worse by weeks of presidential hand-wringing- damaged America's credibility, yet it was hardly the worst case of the president's submission to autocrats. That honor goes to Vladimir Putin. Under President Putin, Russia has reasserted itself on the world stage, challenging the United States at every opportunity and seeking to be a peer competitor. Trump, seemingly unfazed by the regime's hostility toward Americans, has applauded Putin with regularity. ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 163 * The president's obvious admiration for Vladimir Putin ("a great guy," "terrific person") still continues to puzzle us, including those on the team who shrug off his outlandish behavior. Where did the Putin hero worship come from? It's almost as if Trump is the scrawny kid trying to suck up to the bully on the playground. Commentators have speculated, without any evidence, that Moscow must "have something" on the president. I wish I could say. All I know is that whatever drives his love for Putin, it's terrible for the United States because Vladimir Putin is not on our side and no US president should be building him up. We need a comprehensive strategy to counter the Russians, not court them. But Trump is living on another planet, one where he and Putin are companions and where Russia wants to help America be successful. As a result, US officials fear they're "on their own" in fighting back against Moscow. They're right. They are. If an agency wants to respond to Russia's anti-US behavior around the world, they shouldn't plan on steady air cover from the president. In fact, officials know they risk Trump's ire if the subject comes up in public interviews or congressional testimony. "I don't care," one fellow senior leader snapped when reminded by his staff that he needed to watch his words in Senate meetings. "He can fire me if he wants. I'm going to tell the truth. The Russians are not our friends." ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 166 * Trump's cavalier attitude toward the Russian security threat has had a predictable yet devastating consequence. Moscow has not been deterred from attacking American interests. It has been emboldened. They continue to take advantage of the United States, around the world and on our own soil. Former director of National Intelligence [[Dan Coats]] testified in January 2019 that Russia was still sowing social, racial, and political discord in the United States through influence operations, and several months later, [[Robert Mueller]] said the same. "It wasn't a single attempt," he testified to Congress. "They're doing it as we sit here. And they expect to do it during the next campaign." This should be a national scandal, a cause for outrage and action against the Russian government. Instead, it's being ignored where it should matter most- in the Oval Office. Reporters asked Trump about Mueller's assessment days later and quizzed him again on whether he'd pressed Putin on the topic. "You don't really believe this," he shot back. "Do you believe this? Okay, fine. We didn't talk about it." Then he boarded Marine One. The person he ''does'' believe is Putin. According to a former top FBI official, Trump at one point rejected information he received regarding a rogue country's missile capability. He said the Russian president had given him different information, so it didn't matter what US spy agencies said. "I don't care. I believe Putin," the official quoted him as saying. ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 167 * I, for one, don't want this president cutting secret deals with Vladimir Putin. ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 167 ====[[Ray McGovern|Ray McGovern]] - Foreign Policy Journal (2 May 2018)==== [https://www.foreignpolicyjournal.com/2018/05/02/ray-mcgovern-russia-and-u-s-senators-want-disarmament-u-s-media-does-not/ Full text online] (2 May 2018) * [[Ray McGovern|Ray McGovern]]: Let me just start with [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]]’s major address [1 March 2018] ... It was really something. Not only did he advertise a whole new generation of strategic weaponry, which he claimed, and no one has disproved, would render the billions of dollars that we have wasted on antiballistic missile defenses useless. They’re useless to begin with, most scientists and engineers say, but these new weapons that he advertised, and some of which he said are operational, would upend that... he also said, Now, we tried to get you to listen to us. You wouldn’t listen to us. Now, hopefully, you will listen to us. Let’s get together at the appropriate time with experts and figure out how we address these problems, in other words, talks on arms control ... * Now, a couple days later he’s talking about the strategic relationship and somebody says, Now, Mr. Putin—this is in an interview...six days later—somebody says, Hey, listen, Mr. Putin...would you destroy the whole world? If there were a first strike on Russia, would you really respond? It would be too late to save Russia.... Look, He says, yes, this would be a global catastrophe, but “as a citizen of Russia and as the head of the Russian state, I ask, What need will we have for a world if there was no Russia?” So he’s saying, Look, you’ve got to take this stuff seriously. Yes, we would retaliate, even if it meant that the rest of the world would be blown up as well as Russia. * Two days later... senior senators... three Democrats....[[Dianne Feinstein|Feinstein]], [[Ron Wyden|Wyden]], the fellow up there in [[Massachusetts]], and [[Bernie Sanders]]—they issue a call, a letter to then Secretary of State [[Rex Tillerson]], Look, this is really getting out of hand. We don’t like the fact that Putin is brandishing these weapons that we really haven’t ever heard of before, but he’s calling for [[arms control]] talks, so let’s talk. Let’s talk. Guess what? That appeal appeared on all those four senators’ websites but was totally—totally—ignored by what passes for the [[mainstream media]]. So one suspects that this is an unwelcome subject, and there is proof positive...we're talking about four senior senators appealing for arms control talks on their websites but it never getting past their websites, no publicity for it. I’m thinking that [[Chuck Schumer]] said, No, no. Arms control, no, no... Don’t mention arms control talks. So that’s the reality in the mainstream media. * ...Putin’s looking at all this. He knows who “the crazies” are and he knows that [[John R. Bolton|Bolton]] has a lot of influence. So this is a very destabilizing thing, because when the Russians keep telling us, Look, we’ve got these new weapons, well, you know, the press says, Ah, they’re faking it, they’re probably faking it. You know, I don’t know if they’re faking it or not. But, my God, if we knew about all this, why is it not in the annual intelligence briefing that is given to both the House and to the Senate early each year? It’s missing. All we get is rhetoric about how bad the Russians are, just as if they were the old Soviet Union, ideologically determined to bury us... ===2020s=== [[File:Встреча с Президентом Венесуэлы Николасом Мадуро - 3.jpeg|thumb|The West used to have "puppets", not independent leaders or officials in any other countries and that's their problem with Putin, they demonize Putin because he can say no and he wants to be independent. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]] * Putin hadn't raised election meddling, but I certainly did, stressing there was even more interest than before because of the approaching 2018 congressional elections. Every member of [[United States Congress|Congress]] running for reelection, and all their challengers, had a direct personal interest in the issue, which they had not fully appreciated in 2016, with the attention on allegations of meddling at the presidential level. I said it was politically toxic for Trump to meet with Putin, but he was doing so to safeguard US national interests regardless of the political consequences, and to see if he could advance the relationship. After a few closing pleasantries, the roughly ninety-minute meeting ended. Putin struck me as totally in control, self-confident, whatever Russia's domestic economic and political challenges might have been. I was not looking forward to leaving him alone in a room with Trump. ** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 132 * I have always been strongly attracted by the Russian temperament, because I myself also feel very, very much Russian. I adore Vladimir Putin, your president. ** {{w|Gerard Depardieu}}, (26 February 2013). [http://gulfnews.com/arts-entertainment/celebrity/gerard-depardieu-pours-praise-on-vladimir-putin-1.1151064] * One of the more interesting aspects of the nauseating impeachment trial in the Senate was the repeated vilification of [[Russia]] and its President Vladimir Putin. To hate Russia has become dogma on both sides of the political aisle... the United States is engaged is fighting multiple wars against make-believe enemies while the country’s infrastructure rots and a host of officially certified grievance groups control the public space. ** [[Philip Giraldi]] in [https://councilforthenationalinterest.org/?p=5202 Why Both Republicans and Democrats Want Russia to Become the Enemy of Choice],''The Council for the American Interest''] (6 Feb 2020) * Vladimir Putin’s government has also been accused of downplaying the severity of [[COVID-19 pandemic|the outbreak]]. Officially, there have been 2,337 cases [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Russia|in Russia]]—very low by international standards—but low testing rates make it hard to know for sure. Critics suggest that a suspiciously nationwide uptick in [[pneumonia]] cases in recent weeks actually consists of undiagnosed [[COVID-19]] cases. Aggressive measures put in place to punish the spread of “false” information on the outbreak online may also be preventing media outlets from publishing accurate information. After moving much more slowly than other governments to order lockdowns and social distancing measures, Russia is finally implementing new rules as the number of cases has grown rapidly in recent days. Putin, who was highly visible while touting the government’s efforts to contain the disease’s spread early on, was conspicuously absent when it was time to deliver the bad news. The impending crisis has not stopped [[Government of Russia|Russia’s government]] from scoring a propaganda coup by shipping medical supplies to other countries—including the [[2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|U.S]]. ** [[Joshua Keating]], ''[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/04/strongman-medicine-china-russia-kenya-india-pan.html Strongman Medicine: Suspicious Numbers and Brutal Quarantines]'' (April 2, 2020), ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'' * Listen, there's been a campaign, a war against Russia going on for a long time. It started again in the United States around 2006, '07, when he made that speech in Munich, but I think there's no evidence really of the aggressiveness of Russia. The aggressiveness is truly coming from the [[NATO|NATO forces]] that have encircled Russia and that are also, by the way, encircling [[China]]. You know, this is a big policy point, huge, of huge importance... If you look at the reporting from all of our major networks, it's very hostile when it comes to people who we deem to be enemies, whether it's Chávez or whether it's [[Fidel Castro|Castro]] or Putin. I've never seen an interview done from the American perspective where they allow the subject to express himself in what he was seeking to do, what his purpose was. ** [[Oliver Stone]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/washington-post-live/2021/05/12/transcript-conversation-with-oliver-stone/ Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone,] (streamed live [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pgnQ2M9tg on YouTube]) ''The Washington Post'' (12 May 2021) * Castro was very articulate, and so was Chavez, and so was Putin in his way, and I think I gave them a chance to talk and also in their native language. We never hear Putin speak in his native Russian, and we had a very good translator, interpreter working with him. I think it's crucial to understand Putin's point of view as it was Castro's, [[Hugo Chávez|Chávez]]'s. And also, [[Yasser Arafat]], too.. It's not necessary to be their enemy. It's necessary to get them to express themselves. That's my point of view, and I guess you could say I'm a dramatist. And I think they're great stories. I'm very proud of those movies. I took a lot of heat, flack for the last one for Putin, but frankly, I'm very proud of it. It's a record for all time of a man who very few people have gotten to. Even the Russians tell me they've never seen their president so frank as he was on that interview. ** Oliver Stone, Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone, ''The Washington Post'' (12 May 2021) * There was a strange aftertaste to many of the calls for grand social [[reform]] in 2020. As the [[COVID-19 pandemic|coronavirus crisis]] overtook us, the [[Left-wing politics|left wing]] on both sides of the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]], at least that part that had been fired up [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and [[Bernie Sanders]], was going down to defeat. The promise of a radicalized and reenergized left, organized around the idea of the [[Green New Deal]], seemed to dissipate amidst the pandemic. It fell to [[Government|governments]] mainly of the [[Centrism|center]] and the [[Right-wing politics|right]] to meet the crisis. They were a strange assortment. [[Jair Bolsonaro]] in [[Brazil]] and [[Donald Trump]] in the [[United States]] experimented with denial. For them [[Climate change denial|climate skepticism]] and [[wikipedia:COVID-19_misinformation|virus skepticism]] went hand in hand. In [[Mexico]], the notionally left-wing government of [[Andrés Manuel López Obrador]] also pursued a maverick path, refusing to take drastic action. [[Nationalist]] strongmen like [[Rodrigo Duterte]] in the [[Philippines]], [[Narendra Modi]] in [[India]], Vladimir Putin in Russia, and [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]] in [[Turkey]] did not deny [[SARS-CoV-2|the virus]], but relied on their patriotic appeal and bullying tactics to see them through. It was the managerial centrist types who were under most pressure. Figures like [[Nancy Pelosi]] and [[Chuck Schumer]] in the United States, or [[Sebastián Piñera]] in [[Chile]], or [[Cyril Ramaphosa]] in [[South Africa]], [[Emmanuel Macron]], [[Angela Merkel]], [[Ursula von der Leyen]], and their ilk in [[Europe]]. They accepted the [[science]]. [[Denial]] was not an option. They were desperate to demonstrate that they were better than the '[[Populism|populists]].' To meet the crisis, very middle-of-the-road [[politicians]] ended up doing very [[Radicalism|radical]] things. Most of it was improvisation and compromise, but insofar as they managed to put a programmatic gloss on their responses—whether in the form of the [[EU]]'s [[wikipedia:Next_Generation_EU|Next Generation program]] or [[Joe Biden|Biden]]'s [[Build Back Better Plan|Build Back Better program]] in 2020—it came from the repertoire of [[Climate action|green modernization]], [[sustainable development]], and the [[Green New Deal]]. ** [[wikipedia:Adam Tooze|Adam Tooze]], ''Shutdown: How Covid Shook the World Economy'' (2021) * Fred had also primed [[Donald Trump|Donald]] to be drawn to men such as Cohn, as he would later be drawn to authoritarians such as Vladimir Putin and [[Kim Jong-un]] or anyone else, really, with a willingness to flatter and the power to enrich him. ** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 101 * Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday compared modern Western values ​​to Bolshevik dogmatism during his speech at the Valdai club forum and called for “rational conservatism.” The president recalled that the Bolsheviks showed an “absolute intolerance” to any opinion other than his own, they tried to destroy the values ​​that were formed several centuries ago. In this sense, he stressed that “looking at what is happening in various Western countries” now, we see the practices that Russia left in the distant past. ** [https://today.in-24.com/world/490087.html Putin compares modern Western values ​​with Bolshevik dogmatism and advocates “rational conservatism”], ''Today in 24'', 22 October 2021 === 2022 === * In the early days of the [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|war on Ukraine]], tens of thousands of Russians protested an invasion launched in their name. This was encouraging. Americans could content themselves with the possibility that Russian citizens might take matters into their own hands, challenging and weakening their president, Vladimir Putin. In recent weeks, however, such protests have become rare. This is in no small part due to the criminalization of opposition; publicly contesting the Kremlin’s war propaganda carries prison terms of up to 15 years. But fear is only a piece of the story. Russians also appear to be rallying behind their president, raising the question of whether ordinary citizens are partly to blame for their regime—and perhaps even morally culpable. <br>If Putin’s regime and the Russian people are more intertwined than they initially appeared, a presumption of innocence becomes harder to sustain. According to the Levada Center, the closest thing to an independent pollster in Russia, Putin’s favorability ratings jumped from 69 percent in January to 83 percent in late March, a month into the so-called special military operation. Perhaps more ominously, Russians appear to be informing on one another in growing numbers, condemning friends, neighbors, and colleagues for insufficient support of the war effort. One hard-line member of Parliament noted that a “cleansing” was inevitable. In a speech, Putin himself colorfully praised his fellow Russians’ ability to “distinguish true patriots from scum and traitors and simply spit them out like a fly that accidentally flew into their mouths.” ** Shadi Hamid, ''The Atlantic'', [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2022/04/russians-support-putin-invasion-popularity/629653/ Why the Russian People Go Along With Putin’s War] (April 23, 2022) *We had a moment in history, between 1988 and 1991, where we could have worked with [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] to make his vision of perestroika succeed. Instead, we allowed him to fail, without any real plan on how we would live with what emerged from the ruins of the Soviet Union. Save for a short period of time during the [[World War II|Second World War]] where we needed the [[Soviet Union]] to defeat Germany and Japan, we have been in a continual state of political conflict with the Soviet Union. Even after the Soviet Union collapsed, we viewed the [[Russia|Russian Federation]] more as a defeated enemy that we needed to keep down, than a friend in need of a helping hand up. Yeltsin’s Russia was useful to the US and NATO only to the extent that we could exploit it economically while controlling its domestic politics in a manner that kept Russia in a perpetual state of weakness. The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] “reset” was simply a ploy to remove Vladimir Putin, who rejected the vision of Russia projected by the west, and replace him with [[Dmitry Medvedev|Dmitri Medvedev]], whom Obama believed could be remade in the figure of [[Boris Yeltsin|Yeltsin]]. The fact that Putin believes in a strong Russia has upset the plans of the US, NATO, and Europe for post-Cold War hegemony, predicated as they were on a weak, compliant Russian state. **[[Scott Ritter]] as quoted in [https://dissidentvoice.org/2022/02/personal-interview-scott-ritter/ What Are The Prospects For Peace? by John Rachel, ''Dissident Voice''] (February 24, 2022) *Russian President Vladimir Putin, citing [[w:Chapter_VII_of_the_United_Nations_Charter#Article_51 |Article 51]] as his authority, ordered what he called a “special military operation” against Ukraine for the ostensible purpose of eliminating neo-Nazi affiliated military formations accused of carrying out acts of genocide against the Russian-speaking population of the Donbass, and for dismantling a Ukrainian military Russia believed served as a de facto proxy of the NATO military alliance. Putin laid out a detailed case for pre-emption, detailing the threat that NATO’s eastward expansion posed to Russia, as well as Ukraine’s ongoing military operations against the Russian-speaking people of the Donbass... <BR> The bottom line is that Russia has set forth a cognizable claim under the doctrine of anticipatory collective [[Self-defense|self defense]], devised originally by the U.S. and NATO, as it applies to ([[Charter of the United Nations]]) Article 51 which is predicated on fact, not fiction. While it might be in vogue for people, organizations, and governments in the West to embrace the knee-jerk conclusion that Russia’s military intervention constitutes a wanton violation of the United Nations Charter and, as such, constitutes an illegal war of aggression, the uncomfortable [[truth]] is that, of all the claims made regarding the legality of pre-emption under [[W:Chapter_VII_of_the_United_Nations_Charter#Article_51|Article 51 of the United Nations Charter]], Russia’s justification for invading Ukraine is on solid legal ground. **[[Scott Ritter]], [https://consortiumnews.com/2022/03/29/russia-ukraine-the-law-of-war-crime-of-aggression/ Russia, Ukraine & the Law of War: Crime of Aggression], [[W:Consortium News|''Consortium News'']] (March 29, 2022) * MOSCOW—Surveying his accomplishments in the past month with evident satisfaction, Vladimir Putin reportedly grew pleased Thursday as his plot to ruin the Russian economy and destroy its international standing went exactly to plan. “It’s incredible that in a few short weeks, my goal to tank the ruble and humiliate the Russian military on the global stage has gone off without a hitch,” said the Russian president, adding that when he laid out his plan to his inner circle months ago, few had believed that he could make such swift progress on stalling his army outside of Kyiv against a military that was an embarrassing order of magnitude smaller than his own. “The cherry on top is that by isolating myself from every country in Europe and driving the world together in condemnation of me, I’ve essentially made us into a vassal state of China’s. So we’re basically fucked from an economic and geopolitical perspective, which is just what I hoped to get out of this war. Now if I can just a get a few more thousand of my own troops killed, I’ll have everything I could ever want.” At press time, Putin had reportedly begun devising plans to invade Estonia with the express intention of spreading his forces ever thinner across eastern Europe in an unwinnable quagmire. **''The Onion'', parody news agency, [https://www.theonion.com/putin-pleased-as-plot-to-ruin-russian-economy-destroy-1848667941 "Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan"] (March 17, 2022) *The bitter truth is that Washington's foreign policy establishment never actually considered [[Zelensky]] - or his predecessor [[Petro Poroshenko|Poroshenko]] - to be allies or partners of the United States. Overflowing with a toxic mix of ignorance, arrogance, and extreme cynicism, Washington's elites have always viewed [[Ukraine]] as a tool to "regime-change" a [[Russia]] that, after its post-Yeltsin recovery, would no longer take its direction from them. The false gods of [[American exceptionalism]] are jealous ones indeed.<BR>The [[Foreign policy of the United States|American foreign policy]] establishment wanted a perpetual "Yanks to the Rescue" Russia, whereby US "consultants" and spooks would ensure that the most obsequious candidate would continue to win and rule. A string of Russian presidents who would, à la Shevardnadze and a whole string of other post-Soviet leaders, run the country like a family business: lots of biznis deals for family members... and maybe 10 percent for the "big guy." Americans are victims (willing or not) of a mass media system as propagandistic as any that existed during Soviet Communism.... When it became obvious that Yeltsin's one-time understudy, Vladimir Putin, wasn't going to play that way, the party line came down that he must be demonized. ...Putin had to be demonized and, ultimately, "regime-changed."... Discourse in the US is so infantile that just writing this objective truth will no doubt land this author in the "Putin's puppet" purgatory. Not for the first time. **[http://www.ronpaulinstitute.org/archives/featured-articles/2022/february/25/washingtons-crocodile-tears-over-ukraines-destruction/ Daniel McAdams, Washington’s Crocodile Tears Over Ukraine’s Destruction], ''The Ron Paul Institute for Peace & Prosperity'' (February 26, 2022) ==== Australia ==== * There must be a price for the unprovoked, unlawful, unwarranted, unjustified attacks and threats and intimidation that has been imposed by Russia on Ukraine. This cannot be a consequence-free action by Vladimir Putin and the Russian regime. ** Australian Prime Minister [[Scott Morrison]], quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/world-reaction-putin-orders-military-operation-in-ukraine "World reacts to Russia’s attack on Ukraine"], Al Jazeera, 24 February 2022 ==== Belgium ==== * Everything we see today is proof that President Putin made a wrong calculation, a wrong calculation about the decision of the Ukrainians to defend themselves, a wrong calculation about the decision of the West to make Russia pay The costs of this war, a miscalculation of the unity we have as European partners and a miscalculation of NATO’s determination in recent months are stronger than ever. * Perhaps I should have mentioned one last miscalculation of President Putin – namely that he will not go unpunished. We see the war crimes committed, we see that the civilian population has been targeted, we see the refugees being attacked, it is very clear to us and we have discussed that we are united in the sense that these things must be known, evaluated and prosecuted at some point. Some people are responsible for what happened and must be held accountable. ** [[Alexander De Croo]], Prime Minister of Belgium, quoted in [https://www.tylaz.net/2022/04/12/alexander-de-croo-prime-minister-of-belgium-in-bucharest-putin-will-not-go-unpunished/ "Alexander De Croo, Prime Minister of Belgium, in Bucharest: Putin will not go unpunished"], Tylaz, 12 April 2022 ==== Canada ==== * It is clear that Putin is systematically targeting civilians, whether it’s hospitals or train stations or maternity wards. This is one of the reasons why [[Canada]] was one of the first countries to call on the [[International Criminal Court]] to look into Putin’s [[war crimes]]. ** Canadian Prime Minister [[Justin Trudeau]], quoted in [https://thehill.com/news/3263516-trudeau-putin-is-systematically-targeting-civilians-and-deliberately-committing-war-crimes/ "Trudeau: Putin is ‘systematically targeting civilians’ and ‘deliberately committing’ war crimes"], The Hill, 10 April 2022 * It is clear that Vladimir Putin is responsible for heinous [[war crimes]]. ** Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, quoted in [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/putin-is-responsible-for-heinous-war-crimes-justin-trudeau-in-ukraine-2957758 "'Putin Is Responsible For Heinous War Crimes': Justin Trudeau in Ukraine"], NDTV, 9 May 2022 * Putin has fundamentally miscalculated in a whole bunch of different ways. * Putin was wrong and he is, right now, failing and flailing in his response to the situation. * We continue to ensure that we do everything necessary to make sure Putin and his cronies are held to account. ** [https://apnews.com/article/united-nations-general-assembly-russia-ukraine-putin-justin-trudeau-d0892fa72f94bcf03c19fee5a07b0b6c "Trudeau: Russia ‘failing and flailing’ in Ukraine war"], AP News, 21 September 2022 ==== Denmark ==== * I admire president Zelenskyy and the Ukrainian people for their courage, and how the continue defending their country in the unprovoked and illegal war of Putin. I look forward to the meeting with Zelenskyy, where my message will be that [[Denmark|Denmarrk]] continues helping Ukraine. The West stands together in supporting the Ukrainian people. ** [[Mette Frederiksen|Mette Fredriksen]], prime minister of Denmark, [https://www.regeringen.dk/nyheder/2022/statsministeren-besoeger-praesident-zelinskyy-i-kyiv/ "Statsministeren besøger præsident Zelinskyy i Kyiv"] (in Danish; "The prime minister visits Zelenskyy in Kyiv), the Government of Denmark, 21 April 2022 ==== Estonia ==== * Putin must not win this war. ** [[Kaja Kallas]], Prime Minister of Estonia, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2022/03/20/sotu-kallas-full.cnn "Estonian Prime Minister: 'Putin must not win this war'"], CNN, 20 March 2022 * There can be no way back to business as usual with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin's Russia. Our aim should not be to do business with war criminals. ** Kaja Kallas, Prime Minister of Estonia, quoted in [https://news.err.ee/1608608212/kallas-there-can-be-no-way-back-to-business-as-usual-with-putin-s-russia "Kallas: There can be no way back to business as usual with Putin's Russia"], ERR, 25 May 2022 ==== Finland ==== * With the situation going on in Ukraine, we have noticed that there is no possibility to trust Vladimir Putin and that he will do whatever he wants with no rationality whatsoever. * There has been a shift after the Russian attack, and now the majority of the members of [[Finland|Finnish]] parliament support a NATO membership, as does the [[Finns|Finnish]] population. ** Alviina Alametsä, member of the Finnish Parliament and member of the Committee on Foreign Affairs of the European Parliament, quoted in [https://www.euractiv.com/section/defence-and-security/interview/capitals-mep-finlands-mistrust-towards-russia-is-increasing/ "MEP: Finland’s mistrust towards Russia is increasing"], Euractiv, 2 May 2022 ==== France ==== * Putin rejected the diplomatic path and chose the path of war. We will take full responsibility for defending the sovereignty of our allies. ** President Emmanuel Macron, quoted in [https://www.axios.com/russia-ukraine-war-world-leaders-respond-e0b8066c-a77c-46e4-86b4-885892047716.html "World leaders denounce Russia's "hideous and barbaric" attacks on Ukraine"], Axios, 24 February 2022 ==== Germany ==== * This February 24 is a terrible day for Ukraine and a gloomy day for Europe. * It will become clear: Putin has made a serious mistake with his war. ** German Chancellor [[Olaf Scholz]], quoted in [https://www.dw.com/en/eu-and-nato-react-harshly-to-russias-ukraine-invasion/a-60895079 "EU and NATO react harshly to Russia's Ukraine invasion"], DW, 24 February 2022 * The images from Bucha are unbearable. Putin’s uninhibited violence is extinguishing innocent families and knows no boundaries. ** Annalena Baerbock, Germany’s foreign minister, quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/2022/04/04/us-ukraine-crisis-germany "Germany’s foreign minister says Russia 'must pay' for uninhibited violence"], Euronews, 4 April 2022 * Russia’s invasion of Ukraine remains a blatant breach of international law. * The killing of thousands of civilians as we have seen is a war crime for which the Russian president bears responsibility. * We feel immense grief for the victims and also, it must be said, great anger towards the Russian president and this senseless war. ** German Chancellor Olaf Scholz, quoted in [https://www.channelstv.com/2022/04/19/putin-bears-responsibility-for-war-crimes-in-ukraine-scholz/ "Putin Bears Responsibility For ‘War Crimes’ In Ukraine – Scholz"], Channels Television, 19 April 2022 ==== Italy ==== * I am beginning to think that those people are right when they say: 'It is useless to talk to him, it's just a waste of time.' * I have the impression that the horror of war with its carnage, with what they did to children and women, is completely independent of the words and phone calls that are made. * So far, Putin's goal has not been the search for peace, but the attempt to annihilate the Ukrainian resistance, occupy the country and entrust it to a friendly government. * What do we want to call Bucha's horror if not war crimes? ** Italian Prime Minister [[Mario Draghi]], quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/talking-to-putin-waste-time-says-italian-pm-mario-draghi-2022-4?r=US&IR=T "Talking to Putin is 'just a waste of time,' said Italian Prime Minister Mario Draghi"], Business Insider, 18 April 2022 * Putin was pushed by the Russian population, by his party and by his ministers to invent this special operation. * The troops were supposed to enter, reach Kyiv in a week, replace the Zelensky government with decent people and a week later come back. * The aggression against Ukraine is unjustifiable and unacceptable, [<nowiki/>[[w:Forza Italia|Forza Italia]]'s] position is clear. We will always be with the [[European Union|EU]] and Nato. * Massacres of civilians in Bucha and other localities are real war crimes. ** [[Silvio Berlusconi]], former Prime Minister, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-63005402 "Silvio Berlusconi: Ex-PM defends Russian war on eve of Italian election"], BBC, 23 September 2022 ==== Latvia ==== * The brutal footage of attacks on Ukrainian civilians by Russian troops will be the evidence needed against Russian President Vladimir Putin and others to be held accountable for the brutal war in Ukraine at the Hague Tribunal and elsewhere. ** Prime Minister Krisjanis Karins, quoted in [https://www.baltictimes.com/putin_will_be_held_accountable_for_the_brutal_war_in_ukraine_at_the_hague_tribunal_-_karins/ "Putin will be held accountable for the brutal war in Ukraine at the Hague Tribunal - Karins"], Baltic Times, 17 March 2022 ==== Lithuania ==== * From the very beginning of the war, I [have] said that [Putin] only understands the language of strength, and he can be stopped [only] on the battlefield — not by sanctions. ** Dalia Grybauskaite, former president of Lithuania, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2022/06/29/putin-needs-to-be-stopped-in-the-battlefield-not-with-sanctions-says-ex-president-of-lithuania.html "Putin needs to be stopped in the battlefield — not with sanctions, says ex-president of Lithuania"], 29 June 2022 ==== Netherlands ==== * Putin’s regime has cast a shadow of malice, revanchism and revisionism over Europe. Ukraine, a free and democratic country, has been attacked without provocation or justification. Ukrainian cities are being bombed and besieged. Ukrainian civilians driven out, wounded and killed. It’s shocking. Terrifying. And criminal. ** Prime Minister [[Mark Rutte]], in [https://www.government.nl/documents/speeches/2022/03/09/speech-by-prime-minister-mark-rutte-at-university-sciences-po-paris "Speech by Prime Minister Mark Rutte at the university Sciences Po in Paris about the current developments in Ukraine"], 9 March 2022 ==== North Korea ==== * Today, Russia is reliably defending the dignity of the state and its fundamental interests from the challenges and threats by the US and its vassal forces. Such reality is unthinkable without your distinguished leadership and strong will. ** Kim Jong-Un, dictator, quoted in [https://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20221007000149 "N. Korean leader touts Putin's leadership against 'US threat' in birthday message"], Korea Herald, 7 October 2022 ==== Norway ==== * Russia has started the invasion of Ukraine. A dark day in Europe, and for the people in Ukraine. A united international reaction to Putin's breach of international law is needed. ** [[Erna Solberg]], former Prime Minister of Norway, quoted in Norwegian in [https://www.dagsavisen.no/nyheter/innenriks/2022/02/24/store-norge-fordommer-pa-det-sterkeste-russlands-militaere-angrep-pa-ukraina/ "Støre: Norge fordømmer på det sterkeste Russlands militære angrep på Ukraina"], in English: "(Prime Minister) Støre: Norway strongly condemns the Russian military attack on Ukraine", Dagsavisen, 24 February 2022 ==== Poland ==== * We must immediately respond to Russia’s criminal aggression on Ukraine. Europe and the free world have to stop Putin. Today’s European Council should approve fiercest possible sanctions. Our support for Ukraine must be real. ** Polish Prime Minister [[Mateusz Morawiecki]], quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/world-reaction-putin-orders-military-operation-in-ukraine "World reacts to Russia’s attack on Ukraine"], Al Jazeera, 24 February 2022 ==== Spain ==== * Putin’s invasion of Ukraine is a clear violation of international law, a direct attack on our shared values. ** [[w:Pedro Sánchez|Pedro Sánchez]], president of Spain, in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/28/remarks-by-president-biden-and-president-pedro-sanchez-of-the-kingdom-of-spain-before-bilateral-meeting-madrid-spain/ "Remarks by President Biden and President Pedro Sánchez of the Kingdom of Spain Before Bilateral Meeting"], The White House (USA), 28 June 2022 ==== Sweden ==== * At the same time as Putin is driving Russia into isolation, we are strengthening Europe, our international cooperation and our safety. * Sweden is not [[Neutrality|neutral]] if a European country is attacked or is in a crisis. ** Swedish Prime Minister [[Magdalena Andersson]], quoted in [https://www.nrk.no/nyheter/sveriges-statsminister_-_-vi-er-ikke-noytrale-1.15911367 "Sveriges statsminister: – Vi er ikke nøytrale"] (in Norwegian), NRK, 28 March 2022 ==== UK ==== * I am driven to conclude that Putin was always determined to attack his neighbour, no matter what we did. * Now we see him for what he is - a bloodstained aggressor, who believes in imperial conquest. ** UK Prime Minister [[Boris Johnson]], quoted in [https://www.lbc.co.uk/world-news/russia-hideous-barbaric-putin-boris-ukraine/ "Putin is a 'bloodstained aggressor,' says PM as he unveils new sanctions on Russia"], LBC, 24 February 2022 * The reality is that Vladimir Putin has already crossed the red line into barbarism. ** UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, quoted in [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/uks-johnson-says-putin-crossed-line-into-barbarism/ "UK’s Johnson says Putin crossed line ‘into barbarism’"], The Times of Israel, 24 March 2022 * Through their invasion of Ukraine, Putin, his inner circle and generals are now mirroring the [[fascism]] and tyranny of [[World War II|70 years ago]], repeating the errors of last century’s totalitarian regimes. ** UK Defence secretary Ben Wallace, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/may/08/putins-fascism-and-tyranny-equal-to-nazis-ben-wallace-says "Putin’s ‘fascism and tyranny’ equal to Nazis, Ben Wallace says"], The Guardian, 9 May 2022 * How can you deal with a crocodile when it's in the middle of eating your left leg? The guy's completely not to be trusted. ** UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/vladimir-putin-crocodile-who-cannot-trusted-boris-johnson-1710772 "Vladimir Putin a 'Crocodile' Who Cannot Be Trusted—Boris Johnson"], Newsweek, 27 May 2022 * If we let Putin get away with it and just annex, conquer sizable parts of a free, independent, sovereign country, which is what he is poised to do, if not the whole thing, then the consequences for the world are absolutely catastrophic. * If you want a perfect example of toxic masculinity, it’s what he is doing in Ukraine. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2022/06/29/boris-johnson-ukraine-vladimir-putin-woman/7764976001/ "Boris Johnson says there'd be no war in Ukraine if Vladimir Putin 'were a woman'"], USA Today, 29. juni 2022 ==== United States of America ==== * President Putin has chosen a premeditated war that will bring a catastrophic loss of life and human suffering. Russia alone is responsible for the death and destruction this attack will bring, and the United States and its allies and partners will respond in a united and decisive way. The world will hold Russia accountable. ** US President [[Joe Biden]], quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/world-reaction-putin-orders-military-operation-in-ukraine "World reacts to Russia’s attack on Ukraine"], Al Jazeera, 24 February 2022 * He thought he could roll into Ukraine and the world would roll over. Instead, he met a wall of strength he could never anticipated or imagined: he met Ukrainian people. ** US President [[Joe Biden]], quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/top-wrap-1-ukraines-besieged-cities-brace-more-russian-attacks-2022-03-02/ "Russian advances on Ukrainian cities stall"], Reuters, 2 March 2022 * I think he is a war criminal. * We saw reports that Russian forces were holding hundreds of doctors and patients hostage in the largest hospital in Mariupol. These are atrocities. They're an outrage to the world. And the world is united in our support for Ukraine and our determination to make Putin pay a very heavy price. * Putin is inflicting appalling, appalling devastation and horror on Ukraine, bombing apartment buildings, maternity wards, hospitals. ** US President [[Joe Biden]], quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/03/16/politics/biden-calls-putin-a-war-criminal/index.html "Biden on Putin: 'I think he is a war criminal'"], CNN, 16 March 2022 * This is disgusting. * It has had the effect of him moving his forces into a wood chipper. ** US Defense Secretary [[Lloyd Austin]] in an interview with CBS, [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/lloyd-austin-defense-secretary-transcript-face-the-nation-03-20-2022/ "Transcript: Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin on 'Face the Nation', March 20, 2022"] ==== Vatican ==== * How much blood must still flow for us to realize that war is never a solution, only destruction? In the name of God and in the name of the sense of humanity that dwells in every heart, I renew my call for an immediate ceasefire. * My appeal is addressed first and foremost to the President of the Russian Federation, imploring him to stop this spiral of violence and death, also for the sake of his own people. ** [[Pope Francis]], quoted in [https://newsbook.com.mt/en/pope-urges-putin-to-end-spiral-of-violence-and-death/ "Pope Francis urges Putin to end ‘spiral of violence and death’"], Newsbook, 2 October 2022 ==== NATO ==== * President Putin has made a big mistake and that is to launch a war against an independent sovereign nation. He has underestimated the strength of the Ukrainian people, the bravery of the Ukrainian people and their armed forces ** General Secretary [[Jens Stoltenberg]], quoted in [https://www.moneycontrol.com/news/business/vladimir-putin-made-big-mistake-invading-ukraine-nato-chief-jens-stoltenberg-8269231.html "Vladimir Putin made 'big mistake' invading Ukraine: NATO chief Jens Stoltenberg"], Money Control, 24 March 2022 * President Putin thought he could crush the Ukrainian people and armed forces. He thought he could divide our democratic nations and he thought he could dictate what others do. President Putin was wrong. * Winter is coming, and it will be hard. What we see now is a grinding war of attrition. This is a battle of wills and a battle of logistics. Therefore, we must sustain our support for Ukraine for the long term, so that Ukraine prevails as a sovereign independent nation. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jens-stoltenberg-nato-ukraine-weapons-russia-war-crimea-1736097 "NATO Chief Urges More Weapons for Ukraine—'Winter Is Coming'"], Newsweek, 23 August 2022 ==== United Nations ==== * President Putin, in the name of humanity, bring your troops back to Russia. In the name of humanity, do not allow to start in Europe what could be the worst war since the beginning of the [[21st century|century]], with consequences not only devastating for Ukraine, not only tragic for the Russian Federation, but with an impact we cannot even foresee in relation to their consequence for the global economy in the moment when we are emerging from [[COVID-19 pandemic|COVID-19]]. ** UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]], quoted in [https://www.jpost.com/international/article-698450 "Guterres to Putin: ‘In the name of humanity, bring your troops back to Russia’"], Jerusalem Post, 24 February 2022 ==== International ==== * The International Judo Federation announces that Mr. Vladimir Putin and Mr. Arkady Rotenberg have been removed from all positions held in the International Judo Federation. ** [https://www.ijf.org/news/show/IJF-announcement-06032022 Official announcement of the International Judo Federation], 6 March 2022 ==== Russia ==== * Sometimes, Putin even jokes about it, asking if the exact time when the war is to be unleashed has been announced. ** Putin’s press secretary [[Dmitry Peskov]], quoted in the Russian news agency Tass: [https://tass.com/politics/1403663 "Laughing it up over West’s media hype: Putin jokes about ‘Russian plans to invade Ukraine’"], 15 February 2022 * We - Russia - want to be a nation of peace. Alas, few people would call us that now. But let's at least not become a nation of frightened silent people. Of cowards who pretend not to notice the aggressive war against Ukraine unleashed by our obviously insane czar. I cannot, do not want and will not remain silent watching how pseudo-historical nonsense about the events of 100 years ago has become an excuse for Russians to kill Ukrainians, and for Ukrainians to kill Russians while defending themselves.It's the third decade of the 21st century, and we are watching news about people burning down in tanks and bombed houses. We are watching real threats to start a nuclear war on our TVs. I am from the USSR myself. I was born there. And the main phrase from there - from my childhood - was "fight for peace." I call on everyone to take to the streets and fight for peace. * Putin is not Russia. And if there is anything in Russia right now that you can be most proud of, it is those 6824 people who were detained because - without any call - they took to the streets with placards saying "No War". ** [[Alexei Navalny|Alexey Navalny]] on [https://twitter.com/navalny/status/1498948991228293120 Twitter] (2 March 2022) * The invasion of Ukraine is suicide for Putin. ** [https://www.france24.com/en/tv-shows/the-interview/20220302-the-invasion-of-ukraine-is-suicide-for-putin-says-kremlin-critic-mikhail-khodorkovsky "'The invasion of Ukraine is suicide for Putin,' says Kremlin critic Mikhail Khodorkovsky"], France24, 2 March 2022 * What is currently happening in Ukraine is a crime. Russia is a country-aggressor. All responsibility for this aggression lies on the conscience of one person: Vladimir Putin. ** [[Marina Ovsyannikova]], former producer in the Russian TV channel Rossiya 1, quoted in [https://www.occrp.org/en/daily/16085-russian-police-releases-journalist-who-defied-putin-s-propaganda "Russian Police Release Journalist Who Defied Putin’s Propaganda"], OCCRP - Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project, March 17 2022 * He can hang on for some time, but few weeks, months, down the road, many more people inside the system will begin questioning what he's doing, ordinary Russians will express discontent with deteriorating economic situation, huge losses in the war. This is something Putin never experienced. ** Vladimir Milov, former Russian deputy energy minister, quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/ex-russian-official-putin-could-soon-lose-grasp-on-power-2022-4 "A former Russian official now working with an opposition leader says Putin could lose his grasp on power in a few months"], Business Insider, 2 April 2022 * For twenty years of my diplomatic career I have seen different turns of our foreign policy, but never have I been so ashamed of my country as on February 24. The aggressive war unleashed by Putin … is not only a crime against the Ukrainian people, but also, perhaps, the most serious crime against the people of Russia, with a bold letter Z crossing out all hopes and prospects for a prosperous free society in our country. ** [[Boris Bondarev]], former Russian senior diplomat, quoted in [https://www.politico.eu/article/top-russian-diplomat-to-un-resigns-over-aggressive-ukraine-war/ "Top Russian diplomat to UN resigns over Ukraine war"], Politico, 23 May 2022 * Russia has never attacked anyone. ** Christian Russian-Orthodox patriarch [[Patriarch Kirill of Moscow | Kirill]], quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2022/06/03/not-acceptable-xavier-bettel-lashes-out-at-viktor-orban-over-kirill-s-removal-from-eu-sanc "‘Not acceptable’: Xavier Bettel lashes out at Viktor Orbán over Kirill's removal from EU sanctions"], Euro News, 3 June 2022 * There is a point where both liberal groups of people and pro-war groups of people can have the same goal. The goal can be for Putin to resign. * The Russian army is being destroyed right now. So, we lose people, we lose weapons and we'll lose our ability to defend. * Even Russian propaganda cannot hide it, that the Russian army is being defeated in Ukraine. ** Dmitry Palyuga, politician in Saint Petersburg, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/16/europe/russia-putin-local-councilors-intl/index.html "Local politicians team up to challenge Russian President Vladimir Putin"], CNN, September 16 2022 * Putin’s image is tarnished. The next thing which is going to happen in Russian politics within the next like several months, maybe up to half a year, is the elites will start looking for a successor. ** Abbas Gallyamov, former speechwriter for Putin, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/former-kremlin-aide-abbas-gallyamov-says-russian-president-vladimir-putin-could-be-ousted-within-months "Former Kremlin Aide Says Putin Ouster Could Be Right Around the Corner"], The Daily Beast, 15 September 2022 ==== Ukraine ==== * When Russia was preparing the invasion, Putin was not anticipating Ukrainians to defend their country with such determination. Not just a few, but the entire nation. * The invasion was no surprise to me. But the brutality was. What the Russian soldiers are doing to the civilians is more than I can comprehend. The [[bombs]] they’re dropping on apartment buildings. The missile systems they’re using to shell residential areas. Those are war crimes. * We don’t have as many soldiers as Russia. We don’t have as much equipment or as many missiles. But we have something they don’t have: and that is people who treasure their freedom and are ready to fight for it. ** [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|Volodymyr Zelensky]], President of Ukraine, quoted in [https://www.zeit.de/politik/ausland/2022-03/wolodymyr-selenskyj-ukraine-russia-war-interview-english ""With Ukraine at Your Side, You Feel Safe"], Zeit, 9. mars 2022 === 2023 === ==== Armenia ==== * If Putin comes to Armenia, he should be arrested. ** Gagik Melkonyan, deputy of the Armenian National Assembly, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/armenia-warns-vladimir-putin-he-will-be-arrested-for-russian-war-crimes-if-he-visits "Russian Ally Warns Putin: Don’t Visit—or You’ll Get Arrested"], Daily Beast, 29 March 2023 ==== Austria ==== * Austria is a party to the Rome Statute. This means that Austria, like all other contracting parties, is obliged to cooperate with the ICC: arrest warrants issued by the Court must be executed and persons wanted by the Court must be arrested. ** Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Austria, quoted in [https://news.yahoo.com/austria-arrest-putin-bring-him-185528932.html "Austria to arrest Putin and bring him to Hague if he decides to visit"], Yahoo News, 24 March 2023 ==== Germany ==== * Germany is then obliged to arrest President Putin and hand him over to the ICC [International Court of Justice] if he enters German territory. ** Marco Buschmann, Minister of Justice, quoted in [https://www.spiegel.de/politik/marco-buschmann-deutschland-ist-verpflichtet-putin-zu-inhaftieren-a-d791963e-6c1f-4367-8388-26e1d22ef538 "»Deutschland ist verpflichtet, Putin zu inhaftieren«"], Der Spiegel, 19 March 2023 ==== North Korea ==== * North Korea supports all Putin's decisions. ** Kim Jong-Un, supreme leader of North Korea, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/International/north-koreas-kim-jong-arrives-meeting-russian-president/story?id=103142729 "Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin meet for hours in 'fight against imperialism'"], ABC News, 13 September 2023 ==== South Africa ==== * We have no option not to arrest Putin. If he comes here, we will be forced to detain him. ** A government official, said in connection with a BRICS meeting planned for August 2023, quoted in [https://www.themoscowtimes.com/2023/05/01/south-africa-warns-putin-could-face-arrest-while-attending-brics-summit-a80994 "South Africa Warns Putin Could Face Arrest While Attending BRICS Summit"], Moscow Times, 1 May 2023 * I must highlight, for the sake of transparency, that South Africa has obvious problems with executing a request to arrest and surrender President Putin. Russia has made it clear that arresting its sitting president would be a declaration of war. ** [[Cyril Ramaphosa]], President of South Africa, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/south-africa-ramaphosa-putin-arrest-warrant-c62b4be0fd177d827214199cb60db98f South African leader says that arresting Putin if he comes to Johannesburg next month would be ‘war’], Associated Press, 18 July 2023 ==== USA ==== * President Putin spent two decades trying to build Russia's military into a modern force. Kremlin often claimed they had the second strongest military in the world. And many believed it. Today, many see Russia's military as the second strongest in Ukraine. Its equipment, technology, leadership, troops, strategy, tactics and morale, a case study in failure. ** [[Antony Blinken]], US Secretary of State, quoted in [https://www.dagbladet.no/video/latterliggjor-russland/4agSpjFi "Latterliggjør Russland"], Dagbladet (Norway), 5 June 2023 *Vladimir Putin, too, is a master at mirroring, and has been since the early days of his career in politics. Throughout Russia's illegal invasion and occupation of Ukraine, Putin would accuse the Ukrainian government of the precise crimes he was busily committing, or considering committing, himself. **[[Naomi Klein]] ''Doppelganger: A Trip into the Mirror World'' (2023) * I grew up in the [[1980s]] in the [[United Kingdom|UK]], and we had the [[Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament]], all that. People were very, very aware. When I was 13, me and my friends, we were convinced we would die in a [[nuclear holocaust]]… What I remember from the '80s is that the [[fear]] of [[nuclear war]] had receded in favor of fear of [[Environmental degradation|environmental destruction]]. It was almost like we couldn't sustain the fear of it for that long. We have a complicated relationship with our fear. And yes, Putin has been using that doomsday threat and that fear to saber-rattle. It's extremely unnerving. ** [[Christopher Nolan]], as quoted in [https://www.wired.com/story/christopher-nolan-oppenheimer-ai-apocalypse/ How Christopher Nolan Learned to Stop Worrying and Love AI], by Maria Streshinsky, 20 June 2023, Wired.com * What Putin is doing in Ukraine is not just reckless, not just a war of choice, not just an invasion in a class of its own for overreach, mendacity, immorality and incompetence, all wrapped in a farrago of lies. What he is doing is evil. ** [[Thomas Friedman|Thomas L. Friedman]], New York Times' foreign affairs Opinion columnist, quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/28/opinion/2023-journalism-writing-sentences.html "The Best Sentences of 2023"], [[New York Times]], 28 December 2023 ==== Russia ==== * Vladimir Putin became intimidated by Ukraine choosing the path to freedom and democracy. That's why the Russian army bombs maternity wards, schools, hospitals, rapes and kills civilians and throws their bodies in mass graves. Putin and everyone who supports him are dead inside and they must be defeated. * Vladimir Vladimorovich: The Kremlin walls became your prison walls. You have already lost. You know it. That's why you are so afraid. You lost in spirit. The world is on Ukraine's side. The world is with the people of Ukraine. ** [[Nadezhda Tolokonnikova|Nadya Tolokonnikova]], founding member of Pussy Riot, speaking at [[w:TED|TED]]: [https://www.ted.com/talks/nadya_tolokonnikova_pussy_riot_s_powerful_message_to_vladimir_putin/c "Pussy Riot's powerful message to Vladimir Putin"], April 2023 * Our commander in chief is not going to win this war at all. * Whatever victories our army achieves in this war, we are going to lose it with this kind of approach of the country's leadership. * He's never seen a tank except in a parade, what's wrong with his head? He's really acting not even like an old man, but like a child. ** [[Igor Girkin]], quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/putin-girkin-stelkov-ukraine-war-win-1808087 "Putin Is 'Not Going To Win This War,' Warns Igor Girkin"], ''Newsweek'' (21 June 2023). * For 23 years, the country was led by a lowlife who managed to ‘blow dust in the eyes’ of a significant part of the population. Now he is the last island of legitimacy and stability of the state. [...] But the country will not be able to withstand another six years of this cowardly bum in power. ** [[Igor Girkin]] on Telegram (18 July 2023), quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/07/21/europe/igor-girkin-arrest-russia-intl/index.html "Pro-war Russian blogger who called Putin a ‘lowlife’ arrested in Moscow], CNN (21 July 2023). ==== Ukraine ==== * '''We are not ready to give our freedom to this f[***]ing terrorist, Putin. That’s it. That’s why we are fighting.''' ** President Volodymyr Zelensky, on the American TV channel NBC in the program "Meet the press" (5 November 2023) ==== Organisations ==== ===== NATO ===== * President Putin's war of aggression against Ukraine is the biggest security crisis in Europe since the [[World War II|Second World War]]. It is not only a direct threat to the existence of Ukraine as a free and independent country, but to the entire rules-based international order. Putin must not win. If he does, it will show that aggression works and that force is rewarded. This would be dangerous for our own security, and for the whole world.<br>This war did not start in 2022, it started in 2014, when Russia illegally annexed Crimea and entered eastern Ukraine. Since then, NATO Allies have trained tens of thousands of Ukrainian soldiers and supported its defence and security sector. NATO will continue to stand by Ukraine for as long as it takes. ** [[Jens Stoltenberg]], General Secretary of NATO, in [https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/opinions_212795.htm The Secretary General’s Annual Report 2022], 21 March 2023 * President Putin wanted to slam NATO’s door shut. Today, we show the world that he failed. That aggression and intimidation do not work. Instead of less NATO, he has achieved the opposite. More NATO. And our door remains firmly open. ** Jens Stoltenberg, welcoming Finland as it joins NATO, [https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/opinions_213464.htm "Press Statement by NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg with the President of Finland, Sauli Niinistö"] 4 April 2023 ===== Amnesty International ===== * The people of Ukraine have suffered unimaginable horror during this war of aggression over the last 12 months. Let us be clear: the hands of Vladimir Putin and his armed forces are stained with blood. Survivors deserve justice and reparations for all they have endured. ** Agnès Callamard, Secretary General of Amnesty International, in [https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2022/03/latest-news-on-russias-war-on-ukraine/ "Ukraine: one year on a humanitarian crisis continues"], Amnesty International, retrieved 18 July 2023 ===== International Criminal Court ===== * Today, the Pre-Trial Chamber has issued arrest warrants in relation to the following two individuals: :- Mr Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation; and :- Ms [[w:Maria_Lvova-Belova|Maria Lvova-Belova]], Commissioner for Children’s Rights in the Office of the President of the Russian Federation. * On the basis of evidence collected and analysed by my Office pursuant to its independent investigations, the Pre-Trial Chamber has confirmed that there are reasonable grounds to believe that President Putin and Ms Lvova-Belova bear criminal responsibility for the unlawful deportation and transfer of Ukrainian children from occupied areas of Ukraine to the Russian Federation, contrary to article 8(2)(a)(vii) and article 8(2)(b)(viii) of the Rome Statute. :* [https://www.icc-cpi.int/news/statement-prosecutor-karim-khan-kc-issuance-arrest-warrants-against-president-vladimir-putin "Statement by Prosecutor Karim A. A. Khan KC on the issuance of arrest warrants against President Vladimir Putin and Ms Maria Lvova-Belova"], Office of the Prosecutor, International Court, 18 March 2023 === 2024 === * Russian liberal reformers in the 1990s laid the groundwork for the rise of a ruler like Putin by using despotic means to achieve the liberal goal of privatizing the economy rather than seeking to create a new political system that would institutionalize conflicts, [St. Petersburg sociologist] Elena Chernova says. ** {{w|Paul A. Goble}}, [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2024/06/putin-arose-because-russian-reformers.html "Putin Arose Because Russian Reformers of 1990s Focused on Privatizing Economy Rather than on Creating a New Political System, Chernova Says"], ''Window on Eurasia'' (June 17, 2024) *[Putin] is 100, more than 100% rational person. When he negotiates, when he starts explaining, when he makes an offer, saying "yes" or "no", he is super, super rational. As they say in Hungarian, "cold-blooded." You know, cold-blooded, reserved. You know, very careful, punctual, prepared. You know, disciplined. So negotiating and being ready for them is a real challenge if you want to maintain an equal intellectual and political level with him. ** [[Viktor Orbán]], [https://weltwoche.ch/daily/video/viktor-orban-in-moskau-der-ungarn-premier-ueber-putin-frieden-und-seine-historische-woche/ Viktor Orbán in Moskau: Das erste Interview nach dem Putin-Gipfel] (2024) === 2026 === *Vladimir Putin should resign and be put on trial as a war criminal. His personalised, corrupt system is doomed to collapse, as we’re seeing now with the [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|war in Ukraine]] and elsewhere. **pro-Kremlin blogger Ilya Remeslo quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/putin-llya-remeslo-arrested-blogger-b2941860.html "Russian blogger who unexpectedly denounced Putin ‘has been put in psychiatric facility’"], ''Independent'' (19 March 2026) ==See Also== * [[Boris Yeltsin]] * [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] * [[Russia]] * [[Soviet Union]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikinews|Vladmir Putin}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons|Vladimir Putin}} * [http://eng.kremlin.ru/ The official site of the President of the Russian Federation] * [http://www.uncommonknowledge.org/800/826.html Transcript of an American TV discussion held in November 2003; discusses whether Putin is a democrat or a dictator] * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/415124.stm BBC - Vladimir Putin: Spy turned politician] * [http://putinru.com/ PutinRu.com - Vladimir Putin - President of Russian Federation] * [http://www.ocnus.net/artman/publish/article_16286.shtml Atlantic Monthly- The Accidental Autocrat] {{DEFAULTSORT:Putin, Vladimir}} [[Category:Presidents of Russia]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of Russia]] [[Category:People from St. Petersburg]] [[Category:Eastern Orthodox Christians]] [[Category:1952 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Conservatives]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Judoka]] [[Category:Mixed martial artists]] [[Category:Communist Party of the Soviet Union members]] [[Category:Secret agents]] [[Category:Former Marxists]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Russia]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Politicians from Russia]] [[Category:People indicted for war crimes]] qtkedg39kmono8iq9sugva5rpkj1si2 3954362 3954361 2026-06-19T08:06:00Z Cloud200 375597 /* 2006 */ 3954362 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Vladimir Putin - 2006.jpg|thumb|We will not allow the past to drag us down and stop us from moving ahead. We understand where we should move.]] '''[[w:Vladimir Putin|Vladimir Putin]]''' (born [[7 October]] [[1952]]) is a [[Russian]] [[politician]] and former intelligence officer who is the president of [[Russia]], a position he has held since 2012, and previously from 2000 until 2008. Putin is the second-longest current serving European president after [[Alexander Lukashenko]] of neighbouring [[Belarus]]. :'''''See also [[New Year Address by the President of Russia]], [[Putinism]]''''' ==Quotes== [[File:Graph (military spenders).jpg|thumb|Comrade Wolf knows who to eat, as the saying goes. It knows who to eat and is not about to listen to anyone. (On the U.S., whose military budget is 25 times bigger than Russia's)]] [[File:Putin (cropped).jpg|thumb|People are always teaching us democracy but the people who teach us [[democracy]] don't want to learn it themselves.]] [[File:Russia.VladimirPutin.02.jpg|thumb|It's extremely dangerous trying to resolve political problems outside the framework of [[Rule of law|the law.]]]] [[File:Gandhi 1944.jpg|thumb|There is no one to talk to since Mahatma Gandhi died.]] [[File:Vladimir Putin at the Millennium Summit 6-8 September 2000-19.jpg|thumb|This is our final choice, and we have no way back. There can be no return to what we used to have before.]] [[File:Russian Police car Tver.jpg|thumb|You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you...]] [[File:Beslan_kollazh.jpg|thumb|Why should we talk to people who are child-killers? No one has a moral right to tell us to talk to child-killers.]] [[File:Beslan_foto_pogibshih.jpg|thumb|No matter how targeted the strikes or how sophisticated the weapons, civilian casualties are inevitable, including the elderly and children...We must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilized diplomatic and political settlement.]] [[File:Greek Galleys.jpg|thumb|I have worked like a galley slave throughout these eight years, morning till night, and I have given all I could to this work. I am happy with the results.]] [[File:Vladimir Putin in the United States 13-16 November 2001-48.jpg|thumb|I bow my head to the victims of terrorism.]] [[File:911 Tribute (perspective fixed).jpg|thumb|I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win!]] [[File:Большая эмблема Воздушно-десантных войск России.png|thumb|If a fight is inevitable, go and fight first.]] [[File:Vladimir Putin and Oliver Stone (2017-12-01) 02.jpg|thumb|[President Putin has] "achieved great respect in Russia. ... he is very popular because of what he's done. And he did it by the law of Russia, which was of course, two terms, and then he became prime minister, and then went back to being president for two more.... Putin is the most mature statesman in the whole world right now. He... sees the world as needing balance... not...dominated by the United States." [https://www.businessinsider.com/oliver-stone-bush-biopic-w-militarization-more-dangerous-than-trump-2018-10 Oliver Stone, (29 October 2018)] ]] [[File:Békegong.jpg|thumb|Russia is in favor of a multipolar world, a democratic world order, strengthening the system of international law, and for developing a legal system in which any small country, even a very small country, can feel itself secure, as if behind a stone wall.]] === 1990s === * We will chase [[Terrorism|terrorists]] everywhere. If in an airport, then in the airport. So if we find them in the toilet, excuse me, '''we'll rub them out in the outhouse'''. And that's it, case closed. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/9-vladimir-putin-quotes-that-offer-terrifying-insights-into-his-mind-a7796061.html Responding to a journalist's question when visiting Dagestan.] (1999) ===2000s=== ====2000==== * '''Anyone who doesn't regret the passing of the [[Soviet Union]] has no heart, Anyone who wants it restored has no brains.''' ** [https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/library/world/europe/022000russia-putin.html Putin Retains Soviet Discipline While Steering Toward Reform] (20 February 2000) * '''There is no such thing as a former [[KGB]] man.''' ** [http://vesti.lenta.ru/editor/2000/05/06/pobeda/ Responding to Prime Minister Sergei Stepashin, who called himself a former KGB officer.] (May 6, 2000) ====2001==== *'''I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. I am highly impressed of the courage of [[New York City|New York]] residents. The great city and the great American nation are to win!''' **[http://web.archive.org/web/20031117142036/http://www.kremlin.ru/events/photos/2001/11/39974.shtml Inscription at the World Trade Center Memorial Wall] (15 November 2001). ====2002==== * [[Ukraine]] is an independent, sovereign state and will choose its own path to peace and security. . . . Such a conversation would be entirely appropriate and entirely possible. I certainly don’t see there being anything particularly tricky here, anything that need or that could cast a shadow over relations between Russia and Ukraine. ** About Ukraine seeking membership in Nato, after the Nato–Russia Council was created at the Nato summit in Rome, May 28, 2002, quoted in [https://www.atlanticcouncil.org/blogs/new-atlanticist/russia-must-also-hit-the-reset-button/ "Russia Must Also Hit the Reset Button"], Atlantic Council, 1 April 2009 <!-- [http://www.usubc.org/keyissues/russia_reset040109.php]{{deadlink}} --> * Russia does not have in its possession any trustworthy [[data]] that supports the existence of [[nuclear weapons]] or any [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]] in Iraq and we have not received any such information from our partners as yet. ** [http://www.guardian.co.uk/Iraq/Story/0,2763,810093,00.html News conference] with then British Prime Minister [[Tony Blair]], October 2002. * If you are determined to become a complete [[Radical Islam|Islamic radical]] and are ready to undergo [[circumcision]], then I invite you to [[Moscow]]. We are multi-confessional. We have experts in this sphere as well. I will recommend to conduct the operation so that nothing on you will grow again. ** Commenting to a journalist from ''Le Monde'' after a summit meeting with leaders from the European Union (11 November 2002), as cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2002/11/13/world/why-putin-boils-over-chechnya-is-his-personal-war.html "Why Putin Boils Over: Chechnya Is His Personal War"], ''The New York Times'' (13 November 2002). ====2003==== * Two weeks later they still have not been found. The question is, where is [[Saddam Hussein]]? Where are those [[Iraq and weapons of mass destruction|weapons of mass destruction]], if they were ever in existence? Is Saddam Hussein in a bunker sitting on cases containing weapons of mass destruction, preparing to blow the whole place up? ** In a Press conference, regarding the weapon of mass destruction of Iraq. (May 1, 2003)[https://archive.is/20130705182739/www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=story_1-5-2003_pg4_1] * ''Надо исполнять закон всегда, а не только тогда, когда схватили за одно место.'' ** ''Translation:'' '''You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place.''' ** Interview, [[4 November]] [[2003]] ====2004==== * Why don't you meet [[Osama bin Laden]], invite him to [[Brussels]] or to the [[White House]] and engage in talks, ask him what he wants and give it to him so he leaves you in peace? You find it possible to set some limitations in your dealings with these bastards, so '''why should we talk to people who are child-killers? No one has a moral right to tell us to talk to childkillers.''' ** In response to those who called Putin to enter talks with Chechen separatists after the [[Beslan school hostage crisis]], in September 2004 ** {{cite news | title=Putin rejects "child-killer talks" | publisher=[[BBC News]]| date=2004-09-07 | url=http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/3633668.stm | accessdate=2006-07-07 }} * ''Понятно, что надо больше платить, это самый простой вариант, не всегда возможный,(но простой) но способов решения проблемы много'' ** ''Translation:'' It is clear that we have to pay more, it is the simple option, not always affordable, ("but simple," said in actual recording) but the ways to solve the problem are many. ** On human capital flight, in address to Committee for Education, Science and Technology (26 October 2004). * The democratic choice [[Russians|Russian people]] made in the early 90's is final. ** Interview in Brazil for space talks, (22 November 2004). * It's extremely dangerous trying to resolve political problems outside the framework of the law — first the ‘[[w:Rose Revolution|Rose Revolution]]', then they'll think up something like blue. ''[word play here: "rose" having the colloquial sense of "[[lesbian]]" in modern [[Russian language|Russian]], and "blue" meaning "[[Gay men|gay]]"]'' ** On the "{{w|Orange Revolution}}" in Ukraine and the "{{w|Rose Revolution}}" in Georgia, [http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/markets/russia/article405454.ece News conference], (23 December 2004). ====2005==== * Above all, we should acknowledge that the [[w:Collapse_of_the_Soviet_Union|collapse of the Soviet Union]] was a major geopolitical disaster of the century. As for the Russian nation, it became a genuine drama. Tens of millions of our co-citizens and compatriots found themselves outside Russian territory. Moreover, the epidemic of disintegration infected Russia itself. ** “[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/22931 Annual Address to the Federal Assembly of the Russian Federation],” ''President of Russia'' ** (Прежде всего следует признать, что крушение Советского Союза было крупнейшей геополитической катастрофой века. Для российского же народа оно стало настоящей драмой. Десятки миллионов наших сограждан и соотечественников оказались за пределами российской территории. Эпидемия распада к тому же перекинулась на саму Россию.) *** [http://kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/22931 Russian-language original] * Russia has made its choice in favor of [[democracy]]. Fourteen years ago, independently, without any pressure from outside, it made that decision in the interests of itself and interests of its people — of its citizens. This is our final choice, and we have no way back. There can be no return to what we used to have before. And the guarantee for this is the choice of the [[Russians|Russian people]], themselves. No, guarantees from outside cannot be provided. This is impossible. It would be impossible for Russia today. Any kind of turn towards [[totalitarianism]] for Russia would be impossible, due to the condition of the Russian society. ** [http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2005/02/20050224-9.html Joint press conference with President George Bush in 2005, Slovakia] * People in Russia say that those who do not regret the collapse of the Soviet Union have no heart, and those that do regret it have no brain. We do not regret this, we simply state the fact and know that we need to look ahead, not backwards. '''We will not allow the past to drag us down and stop us from moving ahead. We understand where we should move.''' But we must act based on a clear understanding of what happened.. ** Interview with German television channel ARD and ZDF, May 2005. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/22948 Kremlin, RU,] (May 2005) * I will recall once more Russia's most recent [[History of Russia|history]]. <br/> Above all, we should acknowledge that the collapse of the Soviet Union was a major geopolitical disaster of the century. As for the Russian nation, it became a genuine drama. Tens of millions of our co-citizens and compatriots found themselves outside Russian territory. Moreover, the epidemic of disintegration infected Russia itself. <br/> Individual savings were depreciated, and old ideals destroyed. Many institutions were disbanded or reformed carelessly. Terrorist intervention and the Khasavyurt capitulation that followed damaged the country's integrity. [[Oligarchy|Oligarchic]] groups — possessing absolute control over information channels — served exclusively their own [[Corporations|corporate interests]]. Mass [[poverty]] began to be seen as the norm. And all this was happening against the backdrop of a dramatic economic downturn, unstable finances, and the paralysis of the social sphere. <br/> Many thought or seemed to think at the time that our young democracy was not a continuation of Russian statehood, but its ultimate collapse, the prolonged agony of the Soviet system. <br/> But they were mistaken. <br/> That was precisely the period when the significant developments took place in Russia. Our society was generating not only the energy of self-preservation, but also the will for a new and free life. **[http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2005/04/25/2031_type70029type82912_87086.shtml Kremlin RU,] (25 April 2005) * But if the [[United States|U.S.]] were to leave and abandon [[Iraq War|Iraq]] without establishing the grounds for a united and sovereign country, that would definitely be a second mistake. ** After saying the US shouldn't have gone into Iraq in the first place ** [http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2005/05/07/60minutes/main693705.shtml CBS News] (May 2005) * I realise that 2008 will be an important test for Russia, and not an easy one. At the same time, the [[w:Constitution_of_Russia|Constitution of the Russian Federation]] states that the [[President of Russia|President]], the head of state, is elected for four years through direct secret ballot and cannot stay in office for more than two consecutive terms. <br/> I am not indifferent of course to the question of who will take in their hands the destiny of the country I have devoted my life to serving. But if each successive head of state were to change the Constitution to suit them, we would soon find ourselves without a state at all. I think that Russia's different political forces are sufficiently mature to realise their responsibility to the people of the Russian Federation. In any case, the person who receives the votes of the majority of Russian citizens will become the [[President of Russia|President]] of the country. ** Answering the question of Dutch TV station "Nederland 1" and Dutch newspaper "NRC Handelsblad", "''Can you imagine a situation in which you would decide to remain in office for a third term?''", Putin said: [http://web.archive.org/web/20061013003243/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2005/10/31/1955_type82914type82916_96455.shtml] ====2006==== * Russia does not want confrontation of any kind. And we will not take part in any kind of "holy alliance". **[http://web.archive.org/web/20061013001158/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/06/27/2040_type82912type82913type82914_107818.shtml Kremlin RU] (27 June 2006) *I stress that we unambiguously support strengthening the non-proliferation regime, without any exceptions, on the basis of [[international law]]. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml Kremlin RU] (10 May 2006) * We have spoken on many occasions of the need to achieve high [[economic growth]] as an absolute priority for our country. The annual address for 2003 set for the first time the goal of doubling [[Gross Domestic Product|gross domestic product]] within a decade. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml Annual Address to the Federal Assembly], (May 2006) * Russia must realise its full potential in high-tech sectors such as modern energy technology, transport and communications, space and aircraft building. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml Annual Address to the Federal Assembly], (10 May 2006) * In 2008, I will join the opposition and criticise the government. ** 17 June 2006, in interview to ''Komsomolskaya Pravda'' № 87 (23724) 2006 * He raped 10 women. I never expected it from him. He surprised all of us. ** {{w|Moshe Katsav}} [http://www.newsru.com/russia/19oct2006/olmert.html ''NewsRu''] (19 Oct 2006) * I see that not everyone in the West has understood that the Soviet Union has disappeared from the political map of the world and that a new country has emerged with new humanist and ideological principles at the foundation of its existence. ** [http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/text/speeches/2006/07/12/1829_type82916_108548.shtml interview with TF-1 Television Channel (France)], taken on [[July 12]], [[2006]] * Just as one must respect our interests since almost 17 million ethnic Russians live in Ukraine and half of all Ukrainian families have ties with the Russian Federation. ** interview with German ZDF TV, July 13, 2006.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/23703] * We certainly would not want to have the same kind of democracy that they have in Iraq, quite honestly. ** [[July 17]], [[2006]], during the St. Petersburg Group of Eight summit Putin said in reply to [[George W. Bush]], who said he hopes Russia will follow Iraq in turning to democracy ** [http://www.brendan-nyhan.com/blog/2006/07/bush_says_just_.html] [http://www.cnn.com/2006/WORLD/europe/07/15/russia.g8/index.html] *There is no, and there can be no, justification for a crime of such cynicism and monstrosity. The terrorists guilty of this crime must be severely punished. **July 2006, on the 2006 Mumbai train bombings, quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/5170584.stm Mumbai bombs: Reaction in quotes] * '''If there is no possibility or, to put it in plain terms, if there is no money... What can you do? You can't go to a store, you can't buy anything, either a cannon, or a missile, or a medicine.''' For this reason the economy is at the basis of everything. In the beginning it was [[Karl Marx]] and then [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]] and others... ** During a meeting with representatives of the [[VGTRK|Russian State Television and Radio Broadcasting Company]], May 13. 2006 ** [http://web.archive.org/web/20060614140558/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/13/1557_type82915type82917type84779_105660.shtml] * Their [U.S.] defense budget in absolute figures is almost 25 times bigger than Russia's. This is what in defense is referred to as "their home — their fortress". And good for them, I say. Well done! ** On the [[United States]] 2006 annual address to the Federal Assembly * ''Товарищ волк знает, кого кушать. Кушает, и никого не слушает, и слушать, судя по всему, не собирается.'' ** ''Translation:'' Comrade wolf knows who to eat. He eats without listening to anybody and it seems he is not ever going to listen. ** On the U.S., whose military budget is 25 times bigger than Russia's; annual presidential address to the Federal Senate, [[10 May]] [[2006]] * But this means that we also need to build our home and make it strong and well protected. We see, after all, what is going on in the world. '''"The Comrade Wolf knows whom to eat, as the saying goes. It knows whom to eat and is not about to listen to anyone''', it seems." ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2006/05/10/1823_type70029type82912_105566.shtml] ====2007==== *I think it is obvious that [[w:expansion_of_NATO|NATO expansion]] does not have any relation with the modernization of the alliance itself or with ensuring security in [[Europe]]. On the contrary, it represents a serious provocation that reduces the level of mutual trust. And we have the right to ask: against whom is this expansion intended? And what happened to the assurances our western partners made after the dissolution of the [[w:Warsaw_Pact|Warsaw Pact]]? Where are those declarations today? No one even remembers them. But I will allow myself to remind this audience what was said. I would like to quote the speech of NATO General Secretary [[w:Manfred_Woerner|Mr. Woerner]] in [[Brussels]] on 17 May 1990. He said at the time that: “the fact that we are ready not to place a NATO army outside of German territory gives the Soviet Union a firm security guarantee.” Where are these guarantees? **[[w:Munich speech|2007 Munich speech]], cited in [https://www.theamericanconservative.com/we-poked-the-bear/ We Poked the Bear], March 17, 2022 * Not everyone likes the stable, gradual rise of our country. There are some who are using the democratic ideology to interfere in our internal affairs. ** [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/6594379.stm Putin attacks 'foreign meddlers'] [[26 April]] [[2007]] * A superpower is a [[Cold War|cold war]] term. When people today say that Russia aspires to have this status, I interpret it in the following way: they want to undermine trust in Russia, to portray Russia as frightening, and create some kind of image of an enemy. … Russia is in favor of a multipolar world, a democratic world order, strengthening the system of international law, and for developing a legal system in which any small country, even a very small country, can feel itself secure, as if behind a stone wall. … Russia is ready to become part of this multipolar world and guarantee that the international community observes these rules. And not as a superpower with special rights, but rather as an equal among equals. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/01/18/0726_type82914type82916_117126.shtml] * We still have a great amount of work to do in social development, including resolving one of the biggest challenges we face in this area, namely, reducing the gap between high-income earners and people, citizens of our country, who are still living on very modest means indeed. But we cannot, of course, adopt the solution used 80 years ago and simply confiscate the riches of some to redistribute among others. We will use completely different means to resolve this problem, namely, we will ensure good economic growth. ** [http://kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/02/01/1309_type82915_117609.shtml] * I think there are things of which I and the people who have worked with me can feel deservedly proud. They include restoring Russia's territorial integrity, strengthening the state, progress towards establishing a multiparty system, strengthening the parliamentary system, restoring the [[Russian Armed Forces|Armed Forces]]' potential and, of course, developing the economy. As you know, our economy has been growing by 6.9 percent a year on average over this time, and our [[GDP]] has increased by 7.7 percent over the first four months of this year alone. <br/> When I began my work in the year 2000, 30 percent of our population was living below the poverty line. There has been a two-fold drop in the number of people living below the poverty line since then and the figure today is around 15 percent. By 2009-2010, we will bring this figure down to 10 percent, and this will bring us in line with the European average. <br/> We had enormous [[Government debt|debts]], simply catastrophic for our economy, but we have paid them off in full now. Not only have we paid our debts, but we now have the best foreign debt to GDP ratio in Europe. Our gold and currency reserve figures are well known: in 2000, they stood at just $12 billion and we had a debt of more than 100 percent of GDP, but now we have the third-biggest gold and currency reserves in the world and they have increased by $90 billion over the first four months of this year alone. ** [http://web.archive.org/web/20070607221025/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/06/04/2149_type82916_132772.shtml When asked in June 2007 at the interview with G8 journalists about main achievements of his presidency]. * During the 1990s and even in 2000-2001, we had massive capital flight from Russia with $15 billion, $20 billion or $25 billion leaving the country every year. Last year we reversed this situation for the first time and had capital inflow of $41 billion. We have already had capital inflow of $40 billion over the first four months of this year. Russia's [[stock market]] capitalisation showed immense growth last year and increased by more than 50 percent. This is one of the best results in the world, perhaps even the best. [[w:economy of Russia|Our economy]] was near the bottom of the list of world economies in terms of size but today it has climbed to ninth place and in some areas has even overtaken some of the other G8 countries' economies. This means that today we are able to tackle social problems. Real incomes are growing by around 12 percent a year. Real income growth over the first four months of this year came to just over 18 percent, while wages rose by 11-12 percent. <br/> Looking at the problems we have yet to resolve, one of the biggest is the huge income gap between the people at the top and the bottom of the scale. Combating poverty is obviously one of our top priorities in the immediate term and we still have to do a lot to improve our pension system too because the correlation between pensions and the average wage is still lower here than in Europe. The gap between incomes at the top and bottom end of the scale is still high here – a 15.6-15.7-fold difference. This is less than in the United States today (they have a figure of 15.9) but more than in the UK or Italy (where they have 13.6-13.7). But this remains a big gap for us and fighting poverty is one of our biggest priorities. ** [http://web.archive.org/web/20070607221025/http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/06/04/2149_type82916_132772.shtml When asked in June 2007 at the interview with G8 journalists about main achievements of his presidency]. * People are always teaching us democracy but the people who teach us democracy don't want to learn it themselves. ** MUNICH, February 10, 2007. [http://www.rferl.org/featuresarticle/2007/02/a50c8a12-b6a8-44ad-92dd-58183e78a032.html] * После смерти Махатмы Ганди поговорить не с кем. ** ''Translation:'' There is no one to talk to since Mahatma Gandhi died. ** Responding to a question "Former Federal Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder called you a 'pure democrat'. Do you consider yourself such?" June 4, 2007, [http://www.kremlin.ru/eng/speeches/2007/06/04/2149_type82916_132716.shtml] * According to the statistics, up to 17 million ethnic Russians live in Ukraine, while some four million Ukrainians live in Russia, whether permanently or temporarily. ** Live with President Vladimir Putin, October 18, 2007.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/24604] * Of Ukraine’s 45 million people, 17 million are ethnic Russians, and this is only according to official statistics. Almost 100 percent of people there consider Russian their native language, well, 80 percent perhaps. ** Interview with ''Time Magazine'', December 19, 2007.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/24735] * There are 17 million ethnic Russians there, officially. Almost 100% of the people consider Russian as their mother tongue. ** Interview with ''Time Magazine'', December 19, 2007. [http://content.time.com/time/specials/2007/printout/0,29239,1690753_1690757_1695787,00.html] ** There are actually 8.3 million ethnic Russians in Ukraine (17.3% of the population), and 29.3% of Ukrainians consider Russian their native language (2001 census). ====2008==== * [[Russia]] doesn't negotiate with [[Terrorism|terrorists]]. It destroys them. **[http://www.ruvr.ru/main.php?lng=eng&p=29.01.2008&rt=124] (January 29, 2008) * Don't you know that Ukraine is not even a real country? Part of it is really [[East/Central Europe|East European]], and part is really Russian. ** In a meeting with US Ambassador [[William J. Burns (diplomat)|William J. Burns]] at Novo-Ogaryovo, March 2008 (William J. Burns 2019, ''The Back Channel'', P. 238) * But in Ukraine, one third are ethnic [[Russians]]. Out of forty five million people, in line with the official census, seventeen millions are Russians [[http://2001.ukrcensus.gov.ua/eng/results/general/nationality/ actually 8.3M]]. There are regions, where only the Russian population lives, for instance, in the Crimea. 90% are Russians [[http://2001.ukrcensus.gov.ua/eng/results/general/nationality/Crimea/ actually 59%]]. Generally speaking, Ukraine is a very complicated state. Ukraine, in the form it currently exists, was created in the Soviet times, it received its territories from [[Poland]] – [[Aftermath of World War II|after the Second World war]], from Czechoslovakia, from Romania – and at present not all the problems have been solved as yet in the border region with [[Romania]] in the [[Black Sea]]. Then, it received huge territories from Russia in the east and south of the country. It is a complicated state formation. If we introduce into it NATO problems, other problems, it may put the state on the verge of its existence. Complicated internal political problems are taking place there. We should act also very-very carefully. We do not have any right to veto, and, probably, we do not pretend to have. But I want that all of us, when deciding such issues, realize that we have there our interests as well. Well, seventeen million Russians currently live in Ukraine. Who may state that we do not have any interests there? South, the south of Ukraine, completely, there are only Russians. ** In a speech at the NATO Bucharest summit, April 2, 2008 [https://www.unian.info/world/111033-text-of-putins-speech-at-nato-summit-bucharest-april-2-2008.html] * You do understand, [[George W. Bush|George]], that Ukraine is not even a state. What is Ukraine? Part of its territories is [[Eastern Europe]], but the greater part is a gift from us. (Ты же понимаешь, Джордж, что Украина — это даже не государство! Что такое Украина? Часть ее территорий — это Восточная Европа, а часть, и значительная, подарена нами!) ** According to the same source, “and then he very transparently hinted that if Ukraine was still admitted to NATO, this state would simply cease to exist, that is, in fact, he threatened that Russia could start the rejection of the Crimea and Eastern Ukraine.” (И тут он очень прозрачно намекнул, что если Украину все же примут в НАТО, это государство просто прекратит существование. То есть фактически он пригрозил, что Россия может начать отторжение Крыма и Восточной Украины.) ** Speaking to George W. Bush at the NATO Bucharest Summit, April 4, 2008.[http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1900838,00.html] Originally [http://www.kommersant.ru/doc/877224 reported in Kommersant.ru based on an unidentified source]. * At least the state figure should have a head. ** In response to [[Hillary Clinton]]'s comment that Putin has 'no soul'. [http://ria.ru/politics/20080507/106744531.html] (May 7, 2008) * Crimea is not a disputed territory. There has been no ethnic conflict there, unlike the conflict between South Ossetia and [[Georgia (country)|Georgia]]. Russia has long recognized the borders of modern-day Ukraine. On the whole, we have completed our talks on borders. The issue of demarcation still stands, but this is just a technicality. (Крым не является никакой спорной территорией. Там не было никакого этнического конфликта, в отличие от конфликта между Южной Осетией и Грузией. И Россия давно признала границы сегодняшней Украины. Мы, по сути, закончили в общем и целом наши переговоры по границе. Речь идет о демаркации, но это уже технические дела.) ** [http://www.businessinsider.com/putin-in-2008-crimea-is-not-disputed-territory-and-is-part-of-ukraine-2015-4 Interview with ARD Television], Germany, in Sochi, Russia, August 29, 2008.[https://web.archive.org/web/20080912164721/http://www.government.ru:80/content/governmentactivity/mainnews/archive/2008/08/29/2344019.htm] * '''I have worked like a galley slave throughout these eight years, morning till night, and I have given all I could to this work. I am happy with the results.''' ** Quoted in 15 May 2008 article [http://www.nybooks.com/articles/21353 The Truth About Putin and Medvedev], last annual press conference. * "I am going to hang [[Mikheil Saakashvili|Saakashvili]] by the balls," [Mr Putin] said.<br />"Hang him?," asked [[Nicolas Sarkozy|Mr Sarkozy]].<br />"Why not?," retorted Mr Putin. "The Americans hanged [[Saddam Hussein]]."<br />Mr Sarkozy replied: "Yes but do you want to end up like Bush?"<br />Briefly lost for words, the Russian leader agreed: "Ah, you have scored a point there." ** Conversation (12 August 2008) overheard by [[w:Jean-David Levitte|Jean-David Levitte]], an adviser to the then French president, interviewed in ''Le Nouvel Observateur'' magazine, as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/3454154/Vladimir-Putin-threatened-to-hang-Georgia-leader-by-the-balls.html "Vladimir Putin threatened to hang Georgia leader 'by the balls'"], ''The Telegraph'' (13 November 2008) * I want Saakashvili's head. ** As quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/magazine/19WWln-q4-t.html "An American Friend"], ''The New York Times'' (19 October 2008) * They [Georgian military forces] launched their attacks at 23:30 [on August 7]. I learned about it the following morning. I spoke to Bush. He said 'No one wants war.' We expected something would happen, I met him again at the stadium. I can't tell you in detail the content of the conversation, but I had the feeling that his administration wouldn't do anything about stopping the conflict, It's a court which makes a king. Maybe the court thought the king shouldn't intervene. ** Speaking to western journalists and academics in Sochi for the first time since the Georgia crisis began. (September 2008)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/sep/12/putin.georgia] * Enemies are right in front of you, you are at war with them, then you make an armistice with them, and all is clear. A traitor must be destroyed, crushed. ** In 2001, speaking to journalist Aleksoi Venediktov, to whom he added “You know, Aleksei, you are not a traitor. You are an enemy.” David Remnick, “[http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2008/09/22/echo-in-the-dark Echo in the Dark],” in ''The New Yorker'', September 22, 2008. * But why only by one part? ** Question and Answer session broadcast for Russian television (4 December 2008), as cited in [https://www.reuters.com/article/us-russia-putin-georgia-idUSTRE4B352V20081204 "Russia's Putin had painful plans for Georgian leader"], ''Reuters'' (4 December 2008) ** After being asked: "Is this true you promised to hang Saakashvili by one part?" ====2009==== * [Anton Denikin, in his diary] “has a discussion there about Great and Little Russia, Ukraine. He says that no one should be allowed to interfere in relations between us; this has always been only Russia’s business.” (Обязательно прочитайте! Там у него есть рассуждения о большой и малой России, Украине. Он говорит, что никому не должно быть позволено вмешиваться в отношения между нами, это всегда было делом самой России!)[http://www.newsru.com/russia/24may2009/spo.html] ** On laying a wreath at Denikin’s grave in Moscow, May 24, 2009. James Marson, “[http://content.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1900838,00.html Putin to the West: Hands off Ukraine]” in ''Time Magazine'', May 25, 2009. * Russia has always respected the bravery and heroism of the Polish people, soldiers and officers, who stood up first against [[Nazism]] in [[Invasion of Poland|1939]]. ** On the 70th anniversary of the start of World War II, 1 September 2009 [https://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/02/world/europe/02russia.html] * In order to preserve a balance, while we aren't planning to build a missile defence of our own, as it's very expensive and its efficiency is not quite clear yet, we have to develop offensive strike systems. They [U.S.] should give us all the information about the missile defence, and we will be ready then to provide some information about offensive weapons. ** Putin said that arms control talks between Moscow and Washington were proceeding in a positive way. (December 2009)[http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/dec/29/nuclear-weapons-russia] === 2010s === ====2010==== * I am personally acquainted with [[Robert Gates|Mr Gates]], I have met him on several occasions. I think he is a very nice man and not a bad specialist. But Mr Gates, of course, was one of the leaders of the US [[Central Intelligence Agency]] and today he is defense secretary. If he also happens to be America's leading expert on democracy, I congratulate you. ** On [[Robert Gates]] in interview with [[Larry King]]. (February 2010)[http://en.rian.ru/interview/20101202/161586625.html] * He is profoundly wrong. Our country is run by the people of the Russian Federation through legitimately elected bodies of power and administration: through representative bodies (the parliament) and executive bodies (the president and the government of the Russian Federation) ** When [[Larry King]] asked that [[Robert Gates]] is wrong or right about Russia that democracy has disappeared and the government being run by the security services. (February 2010) [http://en.rian.ru/interview/20101202/161586625.html] * Now on our relationship with Ukraine: I will disagree when you said that if we had been separated we would not have been victorious in the war. We would have won in any case, because we are a country of winners. [. . .] This means, that the war was won—I don’t want to offend anyone—on account of the industrial resources of the RF. It’s a historical fact, it’s all in the documents.” (Теперь по поводу наших отношений с Украиной. Я позволю с вами не согласиться, когда вы сейчас сказали, что если бы мы были разделены, мы не победили бы в войне. Мы все равно победили бы, потому что мы - страна победителей. [. . .] Это значит, что война выиграна, не хочу никого обижать, за счет индустриальных ресурсов РФ. Это исторический факт, это все в документах.)[http://www.rosbalt.ru/main/2010/12/16/801573.html] ** On not needing Ukraine to win the Second World War, in a Channel One televised Q&A in 2010-12-16 (quoted in “[http://balticworlds.com/over-the-meanings-of-wwii/ Russian-Ukrainian Information Wars Over the Meanings of WWII].) * Everything about this crime is now open and published, including a million of documents passed to our Polish partners. It was the leadership of the security services, NKVD, [[Lavrentiy Beria|Beria]], political leadership who, for decades of cynical lies, tried to bury the truth about Katyn massacre, but it would be just as incorrect to place all the guilt on Russian nation. We bow our heads to those who bravely met death here. In this ground lay [[Soviet Union|Soviet]] citizens, burnt in the fire of the [[Stalinism|Stalinist]] repression of the 1930s; [[Poland|Polish]] officers, shot on secret orders; soldiers of the [[Red Army]], executed by the [[Nazism|Nazis]]. Above these graves, in front of people who come here to remember their relatives, it would be a hypocrisy to say: "let's forget everything". No, we must keep the memory of the past and, of course, we will do it, regardless of how bitter the truth is. On the road to unity we will have two principles: memory and truth. If things work this way then, soldiers of Katyn, it will be your main victory. ** On the 70th anniversary of {{w|Katyn massacre}} where Soviet secret police executed 22,000 Polish officers captured after the Soviet Army invaded Poland in September 1939 [https://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/08/world/europe/08putin.html] [https://www.bbc.com/russian/international/2010/04/100407_katyn_putin] ====2011==== * All the world saw him being killed, all bloodied. Is that democracy? And who did it? Drones, including American ones, delivered a strike on his motorcade. Then commandos, who were not supposed to be there, brought in so-called opposition and militants. And killed him without trial.<br>..<br>'''[[John McCain|Mr McCain]] fought in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]]. I think that he has enough blood of peaceful citizens on his hands. It must be impossible for him to live without these disgusting scenes anymore. Mr McCain was captured and they kept him not just in [[prison]], but in a pit for several years, Anyone [in his place] would go nuts.''' ** On [[Muammar Gaddafi]]'s death and response and response to [[John McCain]]'s tweet "Dear Vlad, The Arab Spring is coming to a neighbourhood near you." according to 15 December 2011 article by Alex Spillius titled [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/8958294/Vladimir-Putin-calls-John-McCain-nuts-in-outspoken-attack.html "Vladimir Putin calls John McCain 'nuts' in outspoken attack"] ====2012==== * '''We are not for [[Bashar al-Assad|Assad]], neither for his opponents, We want to achieve the situation where the violence ends and there won’t be large-scale [[Syrian civil war|civil war]]. How many of peaceful people were killed by so-called militants? Did you count? There are also hundreds of victims. What is happening in [[2011 Libyan civil war|Libya]], in [[Iraq War|Iraq]]? Did they become safer? Where are they heading? Nobody has an answer.''' ** Regarding a statement by {{w|Francois Hollande}} of "the need for Assad to leave". (June 1, 2012)[http://www.businessweek.com/news/2012-06-01/hollande-clashes-with-putin-over-ouster-of-syria-s-assad] ====2013==== *[[Mustafa Kemal Atatürk|Atatürk]] must rolled in his grave because of the Turkish [[w:Islamisation|Islamisation]]. [[Islamic terrorism|Terrorists]] in [[Syria]] escaped to [[Turkey]]! Got [[Health care|healthcare]] there! Its not impossible to comprpomise with [[Justice and Development Party (Turkey)|the current Turkish leaders]], but very hard..<br>..<br>Maybe [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan|the current Turkish government]] wanted to show US and EU that "Yes, we are Islamisating the country. But we are modern Islamisators, we are civilised" [[Ronald Reagan]] once said something about the [[Nicaragua|Nicaraguam]] dictator Somoza, "Yes, Somoza is lousy, but he is our lousy." And now Turkish government says "Yes, we are Islamisators, but we are helpful to the world." But if you are asking my opinion, this won't end good.<br>..<br>''"I will never be hungry again." [[Individualism]] lies at the core of the American identity while Russia has been a country of collectivism."'' **June 2013 regarding difference between USA and Russia, according to [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=Rkm9DwAAQBAJ&lpg=PA97&ots=ngdHYkqUsa&dq=gone%20with%20the%20wind%20putin&hl=ru&pg=PA97#v=onepage&q=gone%20with%20the%20wind%20putin&f=false page 97] of 30 November 2019 book "The Long Telegram 2.0: A Neo-Kennanite Approach to Russia" by Peter Eltsov * Russians have different far lofty ambitions; more of a spiritual kind. It's more about your relationship with [[God]].<br>..<br>The [[United States|U.S.]] is a very democratic state. There's no doubt about that. And it originally developed as a democratic state. When the first settlers set their foot on the continent, life forced them to forge a relationship and maintain a dialogue with each other to survive. That's why America was conceived as a fundamental democracy.<br>..<br>[I]t's not by chance that Russia and the U.S. forge alliances in the most critical moments of modern history. That was the case in [[World War I|WWI]] and [[World War II|WWII]]. Even if there was fierce confrontation, our countries united against a common threat, which means there's something that unites us. There must be some fundamental interest which brings us together. That's something we need to focus on first. We need to be aware of our differences but focus on a positive agenda that can improve our cooperation. ** 12 June 2013 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33oIF-ggK5U "Putin talks NSA, Syria, Iran, drones in exclusive RT interview" on YouTube] (also [http://web.archive.org/web/20130614041959/http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33oIF-ggK5U archived]) * 80-85 percent of First [[Soviet]] Government was [[Jewish]]. ** 13 June 2013, speaking at Moscow’s Jewish Museum: ''[https://www.timesofisrael.com/putin-first-soviet-government-was-mostly-jewish/ The Times of Israel]'' (19 June 2013) * Recently the [[British people]] suffered a huge loss. It was a tragedy next to his barracks on the streets of [[London]]. A violent [[assassination]], a very brutal killing of a [[British Army|British serviceman]]. Clearly the opposition is not composed all of this but many of them are exactly the same as the ones who perpetrated the killing in London. If we equip these people, if we arm them what is going to control and verify? who is going to have these weapons?, including in Europe as well. So we call all our partners, before making this dangerous step, think about it very carefully.<br>..<br>'''Not all G8 members take the view that chemical weapons were in fact used by the Syrian Army. Some actually agree with us that there is no proof We had disagreements that is true but I never felt lonely and Russia never was on its own in making a statement in regards of Syria.''' ** In Enniskillen, 18 June 2013 [http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/blog/2013/jun/18/g8-summit-politics-live-blog g8-summit-politics-live-blog], ''guardian.co.uk'' * In any case, I'd rather not deal with such questions, because anyway it's like shearing a [[Pigs|pig]] – lots of screams but little wool. ** On not wanting to deal with the US re: [[Edward Snowden]], 25 June 2013 [http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2013/jun/25/edward-snowden-moscow-vladimir-putin]. ''guardian.co.uk'' * [[Syria]] is already in the grips of [[Syrian civil war|a civil war]], unfortunately enough, and [[Egypt]] is moving in that direction. We would like to see the Egyptian people avoid this fate. ** On the situation in Egypt after the ousting of Egyptian president Morsi, 7 July 2013 [http://economictimes.indiatimes.com/news/news-by-industry/et-cetera/egypt-approaching-civil-war-vladimir-putin/articleshow/20956290.cms] ''The Economic Times.co.uk'' * Sadly, it reminds me of [[World War II]], when [[Wehrmacht|German fascist forces]] surrounded our cities, like [[Leningrad]], and shelled population centres and their residents. ** On the Ukrainian army's siege of pro-Russian rebel strongholds in Donetsk and Luhansk, 29 August 2014, [http://www.wsj.com/articles/putin-lashes-out-at-ukraine-over-failure-of-talks-1409312151], ''The Wall Street Journal'' * This was very unpleasant and surprising for me. We talk to them [the Americans], and we assume they are decent people, but he [<nowiki/>[[John Kerry]]] is lying and he knows that he is lying. This is sad. ** On the recent chemical attack in Syria, 5 September 2013 [http://www.usatoday.com/story/theoval/2013/09/05/obama-kerry-putin-syria-russia-g-20/2769683/] ''USA Today.co.uk'' * '''It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation.''' There are big countries and small countries, rich and poor, those with long democratic traditions and those still finding their way to democracy. Their policies differ, too. We are all different, but when we ask for the Lord's blessings, we must not forget that God created us equal.<br>..<br>Recent events surrounding Syria have prompted me to speak directly to the American people and their political leaders. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient [[communication]] between our societies. [[Russia–United States relations|Relations between us]] have passed through different stages. We stood against each other during the [[Cold War|cold war]]. But we were also allies once, and defeated the [[Nazism|Nazis]] together. The universal international organization – the [[United Nations]] – was then established to prevent such devastation from ever happening again.<BR>It is alarming that military intervention in internal conflicts in foreign countries has become commonplace for the United States. Is it in America's long-term interest? I doubt it. Millions around the world increasingly see America not as a model of democracy but as relying solely on brute force, cobbling coalitions together under the slogan "you're either with us or against us"...<BR> No matter how targeted the strikes or how sophisticated the weapons, [[civilian casualties]] are inevitable, including the elderly and children, whom the strikes are meant to protect...<BR>We must stop using the language of force and return to the path of civilized diplomatic and political settlement. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/12/opinion/putin-plea-for-caution-from-russia-on-syria.html?_r=0 ''A plea for caution from Russia, The New York Times,'' ] (12 September 2013)<BR> <small> [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/sep/12/russia-putin-syria Also published in the Guardian] (12 September 2013)</small> * Any minority’s right to be different must be respected, but the right of the majority must not be questioned.<br>..<br>Without the values at the core of [[Christianity]] and other world religions, without moral norms that have been shaped over millennia, people will inevitably lose their human dignity. **19 September 2013 during his speech at the Valdai forum * For the preservation of the majestic Russia! ** [http://tvrain.ru/articles/putin_poluchil_premiju_vsemirnogo_russkogo_sobora_za_sohranenie_derzhavnoj_rossii-355720/ 31 October 2013] ====2014==== * They act as they please: here and there, they use force against sovereign states, building coalitions based on the principle 'If you are not with us, you are against us.' To make this aggression look legitimate, they force the necessary resolutions from international organizations, and if for some reason this does not work, they simply ignore the UN Security Council and the UN overall. **[http://rt.com/news/putin-address-ten-quotes-778/ Crimea address] (18 March 2014) * It's difficult to talk to people who whisper even at home, afraid of Americans eavesdropping on them. It’s not a figure of speech, not a joke, I'm serious. ** [http://on.rt.com/vqds8o (17 April 2014)] * It's better not to argue with [[women]]. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2014/06/putin-on-hillary-its-better-not-to-argue-with-women/439788/ "Putin on Hillary: 'It's Better Not to Argue With Women'"], The Atlantic, 4 June 2014 * There are historians here, and people with their own views on our country’s history might argue with me, but I think that the Russian and Ukrainian peoples are practically one single people, no matter what others might say. (Вот люди, которые имеют свои собственные взгляды, здесь историков очень много, на историю нашей страны, могут поспорить, но мне кажется, что русский и украинский народ – это практически один народ, вот кто бы чего ни говорил.) ** At the Seliger National Youth Forum, August 29, 2014.[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/46507][http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/46507] * That is not the question. But if I wanted to, I could take Kyiv in two weeks. ** When asked by European Commission President José Manuel Barroso whether Russian troops had crossed into eastern Ukraine, in a phone call reported on 2 September 2014.[https://time.com/3259699/putin-boast-kiev-2-weeks/] * The biggest [[Nationalism|nationalist]] in Russia: that’s me. (Самый большой националист в России — это я) **[http://www.vz.ru/news/2014/10/24/712269.html ''Addressing the Valdai Club''] (24 October 2014) * Speaking of the [[Economic sanctions|sanctions]], they are not just a knee-jerk reaction on behalf of the United States or its allies to our position regarding the events and the coup in Ukraine, or even the so-called Crimean Spring. I’m sure that if these events had never happened – I want to point this out specifically for you as politicians sitting in this auditorium – if none of that had ever happened, they would have come up with some other excuse to try to contain Russia’s growing capabilities, affect our country in some way, or even take advantage of it.<br>..<br>However, in this case I would like to speak about the most serious and sensitive issue: international security. Since 2002, after the US unilaterally pulled out of the ABM Treaty, which was absolutely a cornerstone of international security, a strategic balance of forces and stability, the US has been working relentlessly to create a global missile defence system, including in Europe. This poses a threat not only to Russia, but to the world as a whole – precisely due to the possible disruption of this strategic balance of forces. ** 4 December 2014, The Kremlin Moscow, http://eng.news.kremlin.ru/news/23341 * You can do a lot more with weapons and politeness than just politeness. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2014/12/05/world/europe/vladimir-putin-war-of-words.html "Putin’s War of Words"], New York Times, 5 December 2022 * Sometimes you don't know what is better: to talk with the governments of some States or directly with their American patrons and sponsors. ** 6 December 2014, Владимир Путин @ * We are guided by interests rather than feelings in dealing with our partners. ** 10 December 2014 http://itar-tass.com/en/economy/766135, "Russia interested in US economy’s ability to resist current crisis — Russian PM" * In America, torture was legalized, do you believe it? ** [http://rt.com/news/215471-putin-press-conference-updates/ RT news Putin Press conf] (18 December 2014) ====2015==== * We in Russia have always considered Russians and Ukrainians to be one people. I still think so. (Мы всегда в России считали, что русские и украинцы – это один народ. Я так думаю и сейчас.)[http://kremlin.ru/news/47878#sel=7:3,7:19] **18 March 2015 speech at a Moscow concert on the first anniversary of the annexation of the Crimea by the Russian Federation * As for some countries’ concerns about Russia's possible aggressive actions, I think that only an insane person and only in a dream can imagine that Russia would suddenly [[Russia–NATO relations|attack NATO]]. I think some countries are simply taking advantage of people’s fears with regard to Russia. They just want to play the role of front-line countries that should receive some supplementary military, economic, financial or some other aid. Therefore, it is pointless to support this idea; it is absolutely groundless. But some may be interested in fostering such fears. I can only make a conjecture. <br/> <br/>For example, the Americans do not want Russia's rapprochement with Europe. I am not asserting this, it is just a hypothesis. Let’s suppose that the United States would like to maintain its leadership in the Atlantic community. It needs an external threat, an external enemy to ensure this leadership. Iran is clearly not enough – this threat is not very scary or big enough. Who can be frightening? And then suddenly this crisis unfolds in Ukraine. Russia is forced to respond. Perhaps, it was engineered on purpose, I don’t know. But it was not our doing. <br/> <br/>Let me tell you something – there is no need to fear Russia. The world has changed so drastically that people with some common sense cannot even imagine such a large-scale military conflict today. We have other things to think about, I assure you. **6 June 2015 interview to the Italian newspaper Il Corriere della Sera. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/49629] * There are no Russian troops in Ukraine. ** Claimed, contrary to evidence, as shown in [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zssIFN2mso "Selfie Soldiers: Russia Checks in to Ukraine"], VICE News, 16 June 2015 * Even 50 years ago, the streets of [[Leningrad]] taught me one thing: '''if a fight is inevitable, go and fight first.''' **22 October 2015, Valdai Forum. [http://blogs.ft.com/the-world/2015/10/putin-on-isis-when-a-fight-is-inevitable-you-hit-first/] * We will find them anywhere on the planet and punish them. Our Air Force’s military work in Syria must not simply be continued. It must be intensified in such a way that the criminals understand that vengeance is inevitable. **17 November 2015, vowing to retaliate against the Islamic militants responsible for the destruction of a Russian airliner over the Sinai on October 31, 2015. [http://www.tribuneindia.com/news/nation/russians-up-strikes-in-french-fury/159736.html Tribune India,] ====2016==== * If minorities prefer [[Sharia]] Law, then we advise them to go to those places where that’s the state law... We will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell ‘[[discrimination]].’ **30 September 2016 article by [https://www.huffingtonpost.com/arnold-steinberg/the-un-speech-president-o_b_8216286.html Huffington Post] * I will not go into who is to blame for what now. I have always considered, and still do today, that Russians and Ukrainians are really one people. There are people who hold radical [[Nationalism|nationalist]] views both in Russia and in Ukraine. But overall, for the majority, we are one people, a people who share a common history and culture and are ethnically close. First we were divided, then we were set against each other, but we are not to blame for this. We must find our own way out of this situation. I am sure that common sense will prevail and that we will find a solution. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/53151] (Я сейчас не буду говорить про то, кто в чём виноват, но я считаю, как и считал, что русские и украинцы – это действительно один народ. У нас есть люди крайних националистических взглядов, как в России, так и в Украине. Но в целом в большинстве своём это один народ – народ одной истории, одной культуры, очень близкий этнически. Нас сначала разделили, а потом стравили, но мы сами в этом виноваты. И мы должны сами найти выход из этой ситуации.)[http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/53151] **27 October 2016 meeting of the Valdai Club ====2017==== *95% of the world’s terrorist attacks are orchestrated by the CIA.<br>..<br>If the CIA have Russian blood on their hands, they will forever regret stirring the Russian bear from its peaceful slumber<br>..<br>an expression of the will of world oligarchy and their vision for a [[New world order (politics)|New World Order]]<br>..<br>The CIA does not work on behalf of the American people or act in their interests.<br>..<br>It will take more than a bag of tricks in a subway to make me blink. **Saturday 8 April 2017 per [https://www.geopolitica.ru/en/news/putin-95-world-terrorist-attacks-are-made-cia Sunday 9 April 2017 report by Geopolitica.Ru] * I am not a woman, so I don’t have bad days. **6 June 2017 per [http://www.cnbc.com/2017/06/06/putin-i-am-not-a-woman-so-i-dont-have-bad-days.html CNBC.com] * You know my position; I spoke about it a number of times. I believe that we are one nation with practically no differences. There are some cultural differences, and the linguistic colouring is a little different. As for me, for instance, the identity of the Ukrainian people’s culture is worth a lot. It is a very rich culture. But in essence, on the whole, we are one people, and a very patient one. [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/55052] (Вы знаете мою позицию, много раз говорил на этот счёт. Считаю, что у нас один народ, и разницы практически никакой нет. Есть культурологическая, языковая окраска немножко другая. Причём для меня, например, своеобразие культуры украинского народа, на мой взгляд, это очень дорогого стоит. Это действительно богатая культура. Но в целом, по сути‑то один народ.)[http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/55052] **14 July 2017 visit to Lebedinsky GOK * In this sense our historical, spiritual and other roots entitle me to say that basically we are one and the same people. (И в этом смысле наши исторические, духовные и прочие корни дают мне право говорить, что в своей основе мы один народ.)[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/56378][http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/56378] **14 December 2017 annual press conference ====2018==== *На Донбассе гибнут военнослужащие украинской армии. Когда я об этом думаю, на меня это производит очень сильное впечатление. Потому что я считаю, что там все наши<br>(English: "Ukrainian army soldiers are being killed in Donbas. It’s horrible. When I think about this, it makes a very strong impression on me. Because I consider all of them to be ours") **7 March 2018 [https://twitter.com/dimsmirnov175/status/971351275152576513 tweet] and [https://twitter.com/dimsmirnov175/status/971351275152576513/video/1 video] * They do not represent the interests of the [[Government of Russia|Russian state]]<br>Maybe they’re not even [[Russians]],<br>Maybe they’re Ukrainians, Tatars, Jews, just with Russian citizenship, even that needs to be checked. ** [https://www.jpost.com/International/Putin-Jews-might-have-been-behind-US-election-interference-544708 ''The Jerusalem Post''] (10 March 2018) * Today, [[agriculture]] exports exceed arms sales by more than a third. $28.8 billion from agricultural sector, $15.6 billion from the defense industry... we plan to supply more food to the world markets than we import... To achieve this goal, Russia plans to develop infrastructure, broaden the railway network, increase the capacity of seaports, elevators, and storage terminals... Russia should be aiming at exports of environmentally friendly and quality products. GMO has been banned in Russia since 2016... ** [https://www.rt.com/business/421133-arms-farming-russia-exports-putin/ '''''Agriculture makes much more money for Russia than arms exports – Putin'''''] (13 Mar 2018) * ''[in Russian]'' To all football fans and the greatest football teams on the planet — welcome! Welcome to all who have already arrived in Russia, and to those who are planning to take part in this landmark international event — the FIFA World Cup. It is with immense joy and a great honor that we receive representatives of the great football family. We want this event to be a celebration, filled with passion and emotions. I hope you will have an unforgettable experience — not only watching the matches of your favorite teams and admiring the players’ skills, but also getting to know Russia. Learning about its identity and culture, its unique history and natural diversity; its hospitable, sincere and friendly people. We have done our best to ensure that all of our guests – the athletes, the staff and, of course, the fans – feel at home in Russia. We have opened both our country and our hearts to the world. Welcome to the FIFA World Cup! ''[in English]'' Welcome to Russia. ** [https://czech.mid.ru/cz/zpravy/zpravy/video_address_on_the_occasion_of_the_2018_fifa_world_cup_opening_ceremony/ ''Video address on the occasion of the 2018 FIFA World Cup opening ceremony''] (8 June 2018) ===== Valdai Discussion Club: 15th Plenary Session (18 October 2018) ===== <small>[http://valdaiclub.com/events/posts/articles/vladimir-putin-meets-with-valdai-discussion-club/ ''Vladimir Putin Meets with Members of the Valdai Discussion Club.'' Full Transcript]</small> * These discussions have always presented different and sometimes even opposite points of view. I think that this is the advantage of this discussion club; we call it a discussion club because where there is only one, right point of view, there is no place for discussion. Truth is born from comparing different approaches to the same phenomena and various assessments. Thanks to your participation, we can reach this result. * There is a demand for true heroism in our lives. True heroism can manifest itself, in particular, by defending civilization from today’s evils. Of course, terrorism is one of the most serious and challenging evils.... the only way to effectively stand up to terrorism is to join efforts. Unfortunately, in the true sense of the word, we have not put this cooperation in place yet. There are some aspects of cooperation where we have succeeded but this is not enough. By the highest standards, we have failed to join efforts the way we should so far, while this could be done, based on the relevant international rules of law and UN resolutions. * Warfare with the use of aviation and military hardware and so on, a huge number of militant groups on the territory of this country, with militants coming mostly from terrorist organisations based abroad, including [[Al-Qaeda]] who were active in this country. Thank God, we got rid of this but we have not eradicated terrorism per se. Of course, terrorism still poses a great threat to our country as well, which was why we launched these operations in Syria... * For some years before us, countries that agreed to participate in these anti-terrorist operations, most often voluntarily, and maybe even with less than perfect goals and objectives – what result have we seen in the previous three years? None. While we have liberated almost 95 percent of the entire territory of the Syrian Republic. This is my first point. Second. We supported Syria’s statehood, prevented the state from collapsing. True, there are still many problems. * The next step is a political settlement at the UN in Geneva. We need to form a constitutional committee now. Progress is not easy, but we are still moving forward. I hope that we will move ahead with our partners in this area. We all need to be on the alert, not underestimate the threats, and step up our joint work to combat terrorism, the ideology of terrorism and the financing of terrorism. [[File:President Vladimir Putin.jpg|thumb| We are not creating any problems for anyone. Are we the ones creating problems? No. Instead, we are being accused of things... But, no one believes it is necessary to produce any evidence... ]] * There is an old joke, but some people may not know it. They might find it amusing. It sounds like that. Question: ”How do you relax?“ Answer: ”I am relaxed.“ The same goes for tensions in international affairs. We are not creating any problems for anyone. Are we the ones creating problems? No. Instead, we are being accused of things. They say that Russia was “highly likely” to have done this or that, intervened at one place and wreaked havoc at another. But, no one believes it is necessary to produce any evidence... the result of the internal political struggle in the Western world as a whole. Now they are fighting... and there is controversy... someone has apparently decided that playing the [[Anti-Russian sentiment|anti-Russia]] card would be a very convenient way to resolve domestic political problems. This is bad for everyone... * Were our meetings with [[Donald Trump|President Trump]] harmful or helpful? I believe that, despite the attempt to discredit these meetings, they nevertheless were more positive than negative. ...it is better to communicate and interact with each other than, forgive my language, engage in a never-ending dogfight. Our meetings have hardly improved [[Politics of the United States|US domestic politics]], I guess. Probably because, again, there are those who are always trying to play this card in the domestic political struggle. I would say the incumbent president is geared to stabilise and level Russian-American relations. Let's see how the situation develops. We, in any case, are ready for this at any time... We have a comfortable professional dialogue with him... he reacts to the arguments I make. He may disagree with something I say, just as I would disagree with something he might say. We have different views... but this is a normal discussion between partners... [[File:Russian Defense League.jpg|thumb|We are not afraid of anything. Given our territory, our defense system, and our people...Nobody can change these things, and this makes us certain that we can feel secure...]] * Generally speaking, it is irresponsible to lead the world to the brink of a global crisis whose consequences are hard to foresee. We have never used such a policy, and we will not do so in the future.... We are not afraid of anything. Given our territory, our defense system, and our people that are ready to fight for independence and sovereignty — the willingness of our men and women to give up their lives for their country is not common among all nations. Nobody can change these things, and this makes us certain that we can feel secure... * We are improving our attack systems as an answer to the United States building its missile defense system... Clearly, we have overtaken all our, so to speak, partners and competitors in this sphere, and this fact is acknowledged by the experts. No one has a high-precision hypersonic weapon...So, we feel confident in this sense. * Crimea is our land... Even if someone decides to argue with me, the dispute will immediately come to a dead-end... Democracy is the power of the people. How is it exercised, this power of the people? It is exercised through referendums, elections and so on. People came to a referendum in Crimea and voted for independence, first, and then for being part of Russia....Let me remind you for the hundredth time that there was no referendum in Kosovo, only the parliament voted for independence, that was all. Everyone who wanted to support and destroy the former Yugoslavia said: well, thank God, we are fine with that... we proceed based on the will expressed by the people who live on that territory. * Look, there are senior executives from our [[television]] company [[w:Russia_Today|Russia Today]] sitting across from me. What is happening in some countries where they operate? They are being banned. What does this mean? It means those who do so are afraid of the competition... Someone is making it hard for them. That means we are winning....We do not have global media like [[CNN]], [[Fox News]], BBC and so on... We have just one fairly modest channel. Even if it causes so much heartburn and fear of it being able to influence minds, then we are winning this competition... * Our nuclear weapons doctrine does not provide for a pre-emptive strike.... there is no provision for a pre-emptive strike in our nuclear weapons doctrine. Our concept is based on a reciprocal counter strike. We are prepared and will use nuclear weapons only when we know for certain that some potential aggressor is attacking Russia...Only when we know for certain – and this takes a few seconds to understand – that Russia is being attacked we will deliver a counter strike. This would be a reciprocal counter strike. Why do I say ‘counter’? Because we will counter missiles flying towards us by sending a missile in the direction of an aggressor. Of course, this amounts to a global catastrophe but I would like to repeat that we cannot be the initiators of such a catastrophe... any aggressor should know that retaliation is inevitable and they will be annihilated. And we as the victims of an aggression, we as martyrs would go to paradise while they will simply perish because they won’t even have time to repent their sins. *Man of his word. (About [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Recep_Tayyip_Erdo%C4%9Fan Erdoğan]) ====2019==== * So the Jews have problems with finances, only such a thing could happen in Crimea. ** Quoted in [https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/putin-makes-joke-about-jews-and-money-speaks-hebrew-1.7041106 ''Putin Makes Joke About Jews and Money, Speaks Hebrew''] (20 March 2019) [[File:STOP GLOBAL WARMING AND SAVE THE TREES.jpg|thumb|The fact that the Americans say they also want to contribute to solving environmental issues is a positive thing, in my view.]] * Positions have been coordinated, except for the United States, which always has a special opinion. In fact, the US delegation was open about it from the outset. Everyone knows [[Presidency of Donald Trump|the current Administration]]’s stance on the [[Paris Agreement|Paris Accords]]. Nevertheless, all the other participants in the forum confirmed their readiness to implement the agreements under the Paris Accords.<BR> Actually, I think there is also a positive moment in the US position too, since the Americans said they were ready to work on the environmental agenda under their own programme. We have to read the final wording but the fact that the Americans say they also want to contribute to solving [[Environmentalism|environmental]] issues is a positive thing, in my view.<br>..<br>As to Russia, we spoke about it a number of times and we reaffirmed that at the forum again and also agreed on that in the final document. We are going to fully comply with our commitments. In the nearest future we will begin the ratification of these agreements and will conduct the necessary domestic procedures. These issues are highly relevant for us.<BR>I stated this at the last plenary session. Let me remind you that according to the Federal Service for Hydrometeorology and Environmental Monitoring, the warming in Russia is happening 2.5 times faster than the average [[global warming]]. This is a major challenge for us. We must realise that. This is the reason for floods, and for permafrost thawing in the areas where we have fairly big cities. We must be able to understand how to react to the climate changes underway there.<br>..<br>How can one imagine that in some European countries parents are told that “Girls should not wear skirts to school for safety reasons.” What is that? ...How did it get so far? ...It has gotten too far, in my view, that this, liberal idea starts destroying itself. It is true that we really have a very calm attitude towards the [[LGBT|LGBT community]]. Truly, it is calm and absolutely unbiased.<br>..<br>We have a law that everybody has been kicking us for – a law prohibiting homosexual propaganda among minors. But listen, let a person grow up, become an adult and then to decide who he or she is. Leave children in peace. There are so many inventions nowadays...they invented five or six genders, transformers, trans… I do not even understand what it is.<br>..<br>This is not the problem. The problem is that this part of society is aggressively imposing their view on the majority. We have to be more loyal to each other, more open and transparent... We have to respect everyone, that is true, but we must not impose our points of view on others. Meanwhile, representatives of the so-called [[Liberalism|liberal]] idea are simply forcing their ideas on others. They dictate the need for the so-called sex education. Parents are against it... ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/transcripts/60857 ''Vladimir Putin’s news conference, Transcript, Kremlin.ru,''] (29 June 2019) [[File:Elton John Cannes 2019.jpg|thumb|... Elton John. I have deep respect for him, he is a genius of a musician. In reality he comes to Russia, and we all really enjoy listening to him. I think he is mistaken.]] * Somebody came up with this idea of five or six genders... I don't even understand what they mean... I am not trying to insult anyone because we have been condemned for our alleged [[homophobia]]...but we have no problem with LGBT persons. God forbid, let them live as they wish. But some things do appear excessive to us. They claim now that children can play five or six gender roles.... Let everyone be happy... but this must not be allowed to overshadow the culture, traditions and traditional family values of millions of people making up the core population.<BR> Speaking of [[Elton John]], I respect him very much ... but I think he is mistaken. I didn't overstate anything, We have a law that everybody is angry at us because of the law that doesn't allow [[propaganda]] of homosexuals among underage population. Let's let the kids grow and then let them decide what they want to do. ** Quoted in [https://www.cnn.com/2019/06/29/entertainment/elton-john-slams-vladimir-putin-financial-times-interview-trnd/index.html ''Putin fires back at Elton John over gay rights in Russia, CNN,''] Christina Maxouris, (29 June 2019) === 2020s === ====2020==== * The situation is under full control. ** Putin describing the status for the corononavirus pandemic in Russia, where thousands were dying. [http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/63222 Easter greetings] (19 April 2020) * The [[League of Nations]] also failed to prevent conflicts in various parts of the world, such as the attack of [[Italy]] on [[Ethiopia]], the [[Spanish Civil War|civil war]] in [[Spain]], the [[Japan during World War II|Japanese]] [[Second Sino-Japanese War|aggression]] against [[China]] and the ''[[w:Anschluss|Anschluss]]'' of [[Austria]]. Furthermore, in case of the Munich Betrayal that, in addition to [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and [[Benito Mussolini|Mussolini]] involved [[United Kingdom|British]] and [[France|French]] leaders, [[w:Czechoslovakia|Czechoslovakia]] was taken apart with the full approval of the League of Nations. I would like to point out in this regard that, unlike many other [[Europe|European]] leaders of that time, [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]] did not disgrace himself by meeting with Hitler who was known among the Western nations as quite a reputable [[Politicians|politician]] and was a welcome guest in the European capitals. ** Quoted in [https://nationalinterest.org/feature/vladimir-putin-real-lessons-75th-anniversary-world-war-ii-162982 ''Vladimir Putin: The Real Lessons of the 75th Anniversary of World War II''], ''The National Interest'' (18 June 2020) ====2021==== * It is important to prevent terrorist infiltration into our neighboring countries. Even when they pretend to be refugees. ** [https://palnws.be/2021/08/poetin-wil-geen-afghaanse-migranten-opvangen-uit-vrees-voor-terrorisme-als-vluchteling-vermomde-strijders/ Putin does not want to receive Afghan migrants for fear of terrorism: “fighters disguised as refugees”] * It is of course here, in [[w:Sevastopol|Sevastopol]], in [[Crimea]], that one gets the keenest sense of this live, indissociable bond. Sevastopol and Crimea are now with Russia and will stay with it forever, because this was the expression of the sovereign, free and uncompromising will of our entire people. ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67065/print "Greetings on National Unity Day"] (4 November 2021) *As we ring in the New Year, we hope that it will bring new opportunities for us. Of course, we hope luck will be on our side, but we understand that making our dreams reality primarily depends on us, on what we prioritise in our daily lives, on our ability to commit to our projects and achieve concrete, tangible results. *New Year's Eve is literally filled with good cheer and happy thoughts, as we all try to put our best foot forward. This openness and generosity are the spirit of this wonderful holiday, when it is so important to warm parents’ hearts with kindness and loving care, to hug them if they are near you, and to tell everyone around you how dear they are to you and that happiness is all about love, children, family, and friends. *But the real magic of the New Year is that it opens our hearts to empathy and trust, generosity and mercy. *May love fill every heart and inspire us all to achieve our goals and scale the greatest heights. For the sake of our loved ones and for the sake of our only country, our great Motherland. ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67514 "New Year Address to the Nation"] (31 December 2021) ===== [[w:On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians|On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians]] (12 July 2021) ===== :<small>[[s:On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians|On the Historical Unity of Russians and Ukrainians]]</small> * During the recent Direct Line, when I was asked about Russian-Ukrainian relations, I said that Russians and Ukrainians were one people — a single whole. These words were not driven by some short-term considerations or prompted by the current political context. It is what I have said on numerous occasions and what I firmly believe. I therefore feel it necessary to explain my position in detail and share my assessments of today’s situation. <br /> First of all, I would like to emphasize that the wall that has emerged in recent years between Russia and Ukraine, between the parts of what is essentially the same historical and spiritual space, to my mind is our great common misfortune and tragedy. These are, first and foremost, the consequences of our own mistakes made at different periods of time. But these are also the result of deliberate efforts by those forces that have always sought to undermine our unity. The formula they apply has been known from time immemorial — divide and rule. There is nothing new here. Hence the attempts to play on the "national question" and sow discord among people, the overarching goal being to divide and then to pit the parts of a single people against one another. * In summer 1945, the historical act of the reunification of Carpathian Ukraine "with its ancient motherland, Ukraine" — as The Pravda newspaper put it — was announced. <br /> Therefore, modern Ukraine is entirely the product of the Soviet era. We know and remember well that it was shaped — for a significant part — on the lands of historical Russia. To make sure of that, it is enough to look at the boundaries of the lands reunited with the Russian state in the 17th century and the territory of the Ukrainian SSR when it left the Soviet Union. * Ukraine and Russia have developed as a single economic system over decades and centuries. The profound cooperation we had 30 years ago is an example for the European Union to look up to. We are natural complementary economic partners. Such a close relationship can strengthen competitive advantages, increasing the potential of both countries. <br /> Ukraine used to possess great potential, which included powerful infrastructure, gas transportation system, advanced shipbuilding, aviation, rocket and instrument engineering industries, as well as world-class scientific, design and engineering schools. Taking over this legacy and declaring independence, Ukrainian leaders promised that the Ukrainian economy would be one of the leading ones and the standard of living would be among the best in Europe. <br /> Today, high-tech industrial giants that were once the pride of Ukraine and the entire Union, are sinking. * We [[respect]] Ukrainians' [[desire]] to see their country [[free]], [[safe]] and [[prosperous]]. <br /> I am [[confident]] that true [[sovereignty]] of [[Ukraine]] is possible [[Servitude|only in partnership]] with [[Russia]]. Our [[spiritual]], [[human]] and [[Civilization|civilizational]] ties formed for centuries and have their origins in the same sources, they have been hardened by common trials, achievements and victories. Our [[kinship]] has been transmitted from generation to generation. It is in the [[hearts]] and the [[memory]] of people living in modern Russia and Ukraine, in the blood ties that unite millions of our families. Together we have always been and will be many times [[stronger]] and more [[successful]]. For we are one people. <br /> Today, these [[words]] may be perceived by some people with [[hostility]]. They can be interpreted in many possible ways. Yet, many [[people]] will hear me. And I will say one thing — [[Lies|Russia has never been and will never be "anti-Ukraine".]] And what Ukraine will be — [[w:2022 Ukrainian Kharkiv counteroffensive|it is up to its citizens to decide]]. ==== 2022 ==== [[File:Emmanuel Macron and Vladimir Putin (2019-06) 02.jpg|thumb|Do you realize that if Ukraine joins NATO and decides to take Crimea back through military means, the European countries will automatically get drawn into a military conflict with Russia? Of course, NATO’s united potential and that of Russia are incomparable. We understand that, but we also understand that Russia is one of the world’s leading nuclear powers, and is superior to many of those countries in terms of the number of modern nuclear force components. But there will be no winners]] * “You may like it, you may not, but you’ll have to endure it, my beauty.” ** Quoting either Russian folklore or necrophiliac punk rock lyrics, in reference to Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s presumed attitude to the Minsk agreements, during a press conference with President of France [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] on February 8, 2022. («Нравится, не нравится – терпи, моя красавица».)[http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67735] Translation from [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2022/02/vladimir-putin-dirty-language-cursing/622924/ “What’s Behind Putin’s Dirty, Violent Speeches.” ''The Atlantic''], February 17, 2022. *Why is [[Ukraine]]’s potential admission into [[NATO]] dangerous? The problem does exist. For example, European countries, including [[France]], believe that Crimea is part of Ukraine, but we think that it is part of the Russian Federation. And what happens if attempts are made to change this situation by military means? Bear in mind that Ukraine’s doctrines declare Russia an adversary and state the possibility of regaining Crimea, even using military force. Just imagine what could happen if Ukraine were a NATO member. [[W:Treaty of Rome|Article 5]] has not been canceled. On the contrary, Mr. Biden, the President of the United States, has said recently that [[W:Treaty of Rome|Article 5]] is a sacred obligation and will be honored. This is fraught with a military confrontation between Russia and NATO… <BR>Ask your readers, your audiences, and the users of online resources, ‘Do you want France to fight against Russia?’ Because this is how it will be…. **Quoted from press conference with President of France [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] on February 8, 2022, in [https://schillerinstitute.com/blog/2022/02/09/putin-asks-does-nato-really-want-to-fight-nuclear-power-russia/ Putin Asks: Does NATO Really Want To Fight Nuclear Power Russia? ''The International Schiller Institute''], (February 9, 2022) *Do you realize that if Ukraine joins NATO and decides to take Crimea back through military means, the European countries will automatically get drawn into a military conflict with Russia? Of course, NATO’s united potential and that of Russia are incomparable. We understand that, but we also understand that Russia is one of the world’s leading nuclear powers, and is superior to many of those countries in terms of the number of modern nuclear force components. But there will be no winners, and you will find yourself drawn into this conflict against your will. You will be fulfilling Paragraph 5 of the [[W:Treaty establishing the European Economic Community)|Treaty of Rome]] in a heartbeat, even before you know it. Of course, the [[Emmanuel Macron|President]] does not want to see developments unfold in this way. I do not want it, either. That is why he is here and has been tormenting me for six hours now with his questions, guarantees, and solutions.<BR>I believe his is a lofty mission, and I am grateful to him for his efforts. For our part, we will do our best to find compromises that suit everyone. There is not a single point that we consider unachievable in the proposals we sent to NATO and Washington. **Quoted from press conference with President of France [[Emmanuel Macron|Macron]] on February 8, 2022,in [https://schillerinstitute.com/blog/2022/02/09/putin-asks-does-nato-really-want-to-fight-nuclear-power-russia/ Putin Asks: Does NATO Really Want To Fight Nuclear Power Russia? ''The International Schiller Institute''], (February 9, 2022) * Ukraine actually never had stable traditions of real statehood. * We want those who seized and continue to hold power in Kiev to immediately stop hostilities. Otherwise, the responsibility for the possible continuation of the bloodshed will lie entirely on the conscience of Ukraine’s ruling regime. ** Address by the President of the Russian Federation ''en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67828'' (21 February 2022) <i> About the Russian invasion of Ukraine: </i> * We had no other way of proceeding. * Whoever tries to interfere with us, and even more so, to create threats for our country, for our people should know that Russia's response will be immediate and will lead you to such consequences that you have never experienced in your history. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/vladimir-putin-no-other-way-defend-russia-other-invading-ukraine-1682406 "Vladimir Putin: 'No Other Way' to Defend Russia Other Than Invading Ukraine"], Newsweek, 24 February 2022 * Even after the dissolution of the USSR and losing a considerable part of its capabilities, today’s Russia remains one of the most powerful nuclear states. ** [https://apnews.com/article/russia-ukraine-vladimir-putin-europe-poland-nuclear-weapons-2503c0d7696a57db4f437c90d3894b18 "Putin waves nuclear sword in confrontation with the West"], Associated Press, 24 February 2022 * We will strive for the demilitarization and [[Denazification|de-Nazification]] of Ukraine. ** [https://www.vox.com/2022/2/24/22948944/putin-ukraine-nazi-russia-speech-declare-war "Putin’s 'Nazi' rhetoric reveals his terrifying war aims in Ukraine"], Vox, 24 February 2022 * Our plans do not include the occupation of Ukrainian territories. We are not going to impose anything on anyone by force. ** [http://www.xinhuanet.com/english/20220224/5670436eb69e47c78d9c23428b1ffdce/c.html "Putin authorizes "special military operation" in Donbass"], Xinhuanet, 24 February 2022 *I want to remind those who allow themselves such statements about Russia, that our country has a variety of weapons of destruction, and in some areas even more modern than those in NATO Countries. We will without question use all the means at our disposal to protect Russia and our People. This is not a bluff. **[https://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2022/sep/21/not-bluffing-putin-accuses-west-nuclear-blackmail-video/''Im not Bluffing on Nukes'' says Putin] * Our goal is something else—to unite the Russian people. ** {{cite news |title=Putin Says West Aiming to Tear Apart Russia |publisher=Voice of America |url=https://www.voanews.com/a/putin-says-west-aiming-to-tear-apart-russia-/6890771.html |date=2022-12-25 |accessdate=2022-12-28 |postscript=. From a TV interview, 25 Dec 2022}} [[File: Vladimir Putin (2021-02-27).jpg|thumb|[To the] ...Ukrainian Armed Forces. Comrade officers, Your fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers did not fight the Nazi occupiers and did not defend our common Motherland to allow today’s neo-Nazis to seize power in Ukraine. You swore the oath of allegiance to the Ukrainian people and not to the junta, the people’s adversary which is plundering Ukraine and humiliating the Ukrainian people.... I urge you to immediately lay down arms and go home.]] [[File:Flag of the President of Russia.svg|thumb|We can see that the forces that staged the [[W:2014 Ukrainian coup|coup in Ukraine in 2014]] have seized power, are keeping it with the help of ornamental election procedures and have abandoned the path of a peaceful conflict settlement.]] ===== [[w:On conducting a special military operation|On conducting a "special military operation" in Ukraine]] (24 February 2022) ===== :<small>Public assertions made about his motivations and decision to initiate the [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] · [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/67843 Full text online] · [https://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/vladimirputinrussianmilitarycampaignukraine.htm alternate site] · [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qS6J-WbTD8 Video with English subtitles" (24 February 2022)] </small> * I will begin with what I said in my address on February 21, 2022. I spoke about our biggest concerns and worries, and about the fundamental threats which irresponsible Western politicians created for Russia consistently, rudely and unceremoniously from year to year. I am referring to the [[W:Enlargement of NATO|eastward expansion of NATO]], which is moving its military infrastructure ever closer to the Russian border. It is a fact that over the past 30 years we have been patiently trying to come to an agreement with the leading NATO countries regarding the principles of equal and indivisible security in Europe.<BR>In response to our proposals, we invariably faced either cynical deception and lies or attempts at pressure and blackmail, while the North Atlantic alliance continued to expand despite our protests and concerns. Its military machine... is approaching our very border. Why is this happening? Where did this insolent manner of talking down from the height of their exceptionalism, infallibility and all-permissiveness come from? What is the explanation for this contemptuous and disdainful attitude to our interests and absolutely legitimate demands.<BR>Entreaties and requests do not help. Anything that does not suit the dominant state, the powers that be, is denounced as archaic, obsolete and useless. At the same time, everything it regards as useful is presented as the ultimate truth and forced on others regardless of the cost, abusively and by any means available. Those who refuse to comply are subjected to strong-arm tactics. *Russia is not the only country that is worried about this. This has to do with the entire system of international relations, and sometimes even US allies. The collapse of the Soviet Union led to a redivision of the world, and the norms of [[international law]] that developed by that time – and the most important of them, the fundamental norms that were adopted [[Aftermath of World War II|following WWII]] and largely formalised its outcome – came in the way of those who declared themselves the winners of the [[Cold War]]. <BR>...we saw a state of euphoria created by the feeling of absolute superiority, a kind of modern [[absolutism]], coupled with the low cultural standards and arrogance of those who formulated and pushed through decisions that suited only themselves. The situation took a different turn. <BR>There are many examples of this. First [[Kosovo War|a bloody military operation]] was waged against [[Belgrade]], without the [[UN Security Council]]’s sanction but with combat aircraft and missiles used in the heart of Europe. The bombing of peaceful cities and vital infrastructure went on for several weeks. I have to recall these facts, because some Western colleagues prefer to forget them, and when we mentioned the event, they prefer to avoid speaking about international law... <BR>Then came the turn of [[Iraq]], [[Libya]] and [[Syria]]. The illegal use of military power against Libya and the distortion of all the UN Security Council decisions on Libya ruined the state, created a huge seat of international terrorism, and pushed the country towards a humanitarian catastrophe, into the vortex of a civil war, which has continued there for years.... A similar fate was also prepared for Syria. The combat operations conducted by the Western coalition in that country without the Syrian government’s approval or UN Security Council’s sanction can only be defined as aggression and intervention... But the example that stands apart from the above events is, of course, the invasion of [[Iraq War|Iraq]] without any legal grounds. *Overall, it appears that nearly everywhere, in many regions of the world where the United States brought its law and order, this created bloody, non-healing wounds and the curse of international terrorism and extremism. I have only mentioned the most glaring but far from only examples of disregard for [[International law|international law.]]<BR> This array includes promises not to expand NATO eastwards even by an inch. To reiterate: they have deceived us, or, to put it simply, they have played us... This type of con-artist behaviour is contrary not only to the principles of international relations but also and above all to the generally accepted norms of morality and ethics. Where is justice and truth here? Just lies and hypocrisy all around. *Incidentally, US [[politicians]], [[Political science|political scientists]] and [[Journalism|journalists]] write and say that a veritable "empire of lies" has been created inside the United States in recent years. It is hard to disagree with this – it is really so. But one should not be modest about it: the United States is still a great country and a system-forming power. All its satellites not only humbly and obediently say yes to and parrot it at the slightest pretext but also imitate its behaviour and enthusiastically accept the rules it is offering them. Therefore, one can say with good reason and confidence that the whole so-called Western bloc formed by the United States in its own image and likeness is, in its entirety, the very same "empire of lies". *Properly speaking, the attempts to use us in their own interests never ceased until quite recently: they sought to destroy our traditional values and force on us their false values that would erode us, our people from within, the attitudes they have been aggressively imposing on their countries, attitudes that are directly leading to degradation and degeneration, because they are contrary to [[human nature]]. This is not going to happen. No one has ever succeeded in doing this, nor will they succeed now. *With NATO’s eastward expansion the situation for Russia has been becoming worse and more dangerous by the year. Moreover, these past days NATO leadership has been blunt in its statements that they need to accelerate and step up efforts to bring the alliance’s infrastructure closer to Russia’s borders. In other words, they have been toughening their position. We cannot stay idle and passively observe these developments. This would be an absolutely irresponsible thing to do for us. *For the United States and its allies, it is a policy of containing Russia, with obvious geopolitical dividends. For our country, it is a matter of life and death, a matter of our historical future as a nation. This is not an exaggeration; this is a fact. It is not only a very real threat to our interests but to the very existence of our state and to its sovereignty. It is the red line which we have spoken about on numerous occasions. They have crossed it. *We can see that the forces that staged the coup in Ukraine in 2014 have seized power, are keeping it with the help of ornamental election procedures and have abandoned the path of a peaceful conflict settlement. For eight years, for eight endless years we have been doing everything possible to settle the situation by peaceful political means. *I would also like to address the military personnel of the Ukrainian Armed Forces. Comrade officers, Your fathers, grandfathers and great-grandfathers did not fight the Nazi occupiers and did not defend our common Motherland to allow today’s [[neo-Nazis]] to seize power in Ukraine. You swore the oath of allegiance to the Ukrainian people and not to the junta, the people’s adversary which is plundering Ukraine and humiliating the Ukrainian people. I urge you to refuse to carry out their criminal orders. I urge you to immediately lay down arms and go home. The military personnel of the Ukrainian army who do this will be able to freely leave the zone of hostilities and return to their families... *I want to emphasize again that all responsibility for the possible bloodshed will lie fully and wholly with the ruling Ukrainian regime. *At the end of the day, the future of Russia is in the hands of its multi-ethnic people, as has always been the case in our history. This means that the decisions that I made will be executed, that we will achieve the goals we have set, and reliably guarantee the security of our Motherland. *I believe in your support and the invincible force rooted in the love for our Fatherland. <hr> <br> <i> About Russian nuclear weapons: </i> * Not only do Western countries take unfriendly measures against our countries in the economic dimension, I mean the illegal [[Economic sanctions|sanctions]] that everyone knows about very well, but also the top officials of leading NATO countries allow themselves to make aggressive statements with regards to our country. That is why I order the defense minister and chief of the general staff to put Russian deterrence forces on high combat alert. ** [https://www.theguardian.com/world/video/2022/feb/27/vladimir-putin-puts-russian-nuclear-forces-on-high-alert-video "Vladimir Putin puts Russian nuclear forces on high alert – video"], 27 February 2022 <br> * The Western community, which I called 'the empire of lies', is trying to impose [[Economic sanctions|sanctions]] on our country. ** [https://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/europe/putin-calls-west-an-empire-of-lies-after-sanctions-imposed/articleshow/89899775.cms ""Russia reels from sanctions as Putin calls West 'empire of lies'"], The Times of India, 28 February 2022 * Russia is open to dialogue with the Ukrainian side, as well as with everyone who wants peace in Ukraine. But under the condition that all Russian demands are met. ** [https://www.moneycontrol.com/news/world/vladimir-putin-says-ready-for-ukraine-dialogue-if-all-russian-demands-met-8195531.html "Vladimir Putin says ready for Ukraine dialogue if 'all Russian demands' met"], AFP/Moneycontrol, 4 March 2022 * I want to emphasize once again. We have no ill intentions towards our neighbors, and I would advise them not to escalate the situation, nor to introduce any restrictions. * All our actions, if they arise, always arise exclusively in response to unfriendly actions against Russia. * We do not see any need here to escalate the situation or worsen our relations. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/russia-ukraine-putin-intentions-war-zelensky-1684887 "Vladimir Putin Says Russia Has 'No Ill Intentions,' Pleads for No More Sanctions"], Newsweek, 4 March 2022 * I think everyone should think about normalising relations and cooperating normally. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/putin-says-no-ill-intention-145603868.html "Putin says he has 'no ill intention' toward Russia's neighbors as his troops are accused of war crimes in Ukraine"], Yahoo News, 4 March 2022 * It’s apparent that organizing an economic blitzkrieg against Russia and demoralizing our society, taking us by force, didn’t work. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/putin-russian-troops-killing-ukrainian-kids-are-heroes "Putin: Russian Troops Killing Ukrainian Kids Are Heroes"], Daily Beast, 16 March 2022 * [Russians] will always be able to distinguish true patriots from scum and traitors and will simply spit them out like a gnat that accidentally flew into their mouths. I am convinced that such a natural and necessary self-purification of society will only strengthen our country. ** [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/3/17/scum-and-traitors-vladimir-putin-threatens-anti-war-russians "‘Scum and traitors’: Vladimir Putin threatens anti-war Russians"], Al Jazeera, 17 March 2022 * It is difficult for us at the moment. Russian financial companies, major enterprises, small and medium-sized businesses are facing unprecedented pressure. * Clearly, in the new realities, we will have to make deep structural changes in our economy, and I will not pretend that they will be easy or that they will not lead to a temporary increase in [[inflation]] and [[unemployment]]. ** [https://www.facebook.com/TheYoungTurks/videos/916021115735998 "Putin Calls For PURGE Of Pro-Western Russians"], The Young Turks, Facebook, 20 March 2022 * When they won the Cold War, the US declared themselves God's own representatives on earth, people who have no responsibilities -- only interests. They have declared those interests sacred. Now it's one-way traffic, which makes the world unstable. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/06/17/europe/russia-president-vladimir-putin-speech-spief-intl/index.html "Putin lambasts the West and declares the end of 'the era of the unipolar world'"], CNN, 17 June 2022 * What is the [[Soviet Union]]? It’s [[History of Russia|historical Russia]]. ** [https://news.yahoo.com/putin-considers-entire-soviet-union-170032123.html "Putin considers entire Soviet Union to be historical Russian territory"], Yahoo News/RIA Novosti, 17 June 2022 * There is nothing that could bother us about [[Sweden]] and [[Finland]] joining NATO. If Finland and Sweden wish to, they can join. That's up to them. They can join whatever they want. * Our army does not attack any civilian infrastructure site. We have every capability of knowing what is situated where ** [https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-10967023/Putin-insists-DOESNT-care-Finland-Sweden-join-NATO-denied-bombing-Ukrainian-mall.html "Humiliated Putin scrambles to save face as Sweden and Finland join NATO: Russian leader says countries 'can join whatever they like' - and attacks the bloc's 'imperialist ambitions'"], Daily Mail, 29 June 2022 * The West is degenerating into [[totalitarianism]]. ** [https://www.msn.com/en-gb/news/world/putin-challenges-the-west-to-take-on-russias-army-declaring-they-want-to-beat-us-let-them-try/ar-AAZkt76 "Putin challenges the West to take on Russia's army, declaring 'They want to beat us - let them try'"], MSN, 7 July 2022 * We have not lost anything and will not lose anything. * Of course, a certain polarisation is taking place, both in the world and within the country, but I believe that this will only be beneficial, because everything that is unnecessary, harmful and... prevents us from moving forward will be rejected. ** Said about the [[2022 Russian invasion of Ukraine]] and the Western sanctions imposed in order to make Russia stop attacking, quoted in [https://news.sky.com/story/ukraine-war-vladimir-putin-claims-russia-hasnt-lost-anything-and-didnt-start-military-operations-12691800 "Vladimir Putin claims Russia hasn't 'lost anything' in Ukraine war and didn't 'start military operations'"], Sky News, 7 September 2022 * The [[dictatorship]] of the Western elites is directed against all societies, including the peoples of the Western countries themselves. This is a challenge to all. * This is a complete denial of humanity, the overthrow of faith and traditional values. Indeed, the suppression of freedom itself has taken on the features of a religion: outright [[Satan|Satanism]]. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/putin-chief-exorcist-kremlin-desatanization-ukraine-security-council-1754912 "Putin Appointed 'Chief Exorcist' as Kremlin Whips up Satanic Panic"], Newsweek, 26 October 2022 * You know this very well: we have always treated the Ukrainian people with respect and warmth. So it was and so it is, despite today's tragic confrontation. ** [http://kremlin.ru/events/president/news/69781 "Встреча с историками и представителями традиционных религий России"] (Russian; "Meeting with historians and representatives of traditional religions of Russia"), Kremlin, 4. november 2022 * We share your pain ** Putin to mothers of soldiers killed in the [[Ukraine]] [caption on [[CNN]]-[[The Situation Room]] with [[Wolf Blitzer]]] (earlier today) also on [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNF43XeUojk Youtube] in [[Russian]] * There's a lot of noise right now about our strikes against the energy infrastructure of the neighbouring country. Yes, we are doing it, but who started it? Who struck the Crimean bridge? Who blew up the power lines to the Kursk Nuclear Power Station? Who is not providing water to Donetsk? Not providing water to a city with 1 million population is an act of genocide. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/new-video-sparks-speculation-about-drunk-putin-1765772?fbclid=IwAR0YWSNt9TxW4ApdV12X6DK_3WynoL3qGPTMP43t9uhGkO8TsOggYDwuf-c "New Video Sparks Speculation About 'Drunk' Putin"], Newsweek, 8 December 2022 * You can't trust anyone, just me. ** [https://www.mk.ru/politics/2022/12/09/putin-verit-nikomu-nelzya-tolko-mne-mozhno.html "Путин: «Верить никому нельзя, только мне можно»"], Moscow's Komsomolets, 9 December 2022 * Our goal is not to spin the flywheel of military conflict, but, on the contrary, to end this '''war'''. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/12/22/europe/putin-uses-word-war-fighting-ukraine-russia-intl-hnk/index.html "For first known time in public, Putin calls fighting in Ukraine a ‘war’"], CNN, 23 December 2022 ==== 2023 ==== * The sanctions imposed against the Russian economy in the medium term could really have a negative impact. ** [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/vladimir-putin-says-sanctions-could-have-negative-impact-on-russia-3904798 "Vladimir Putin Says Sanctions Could Have "Negative Impact" On Russia"], NDTV (30 March 2023) * We do not intend to isolate ourselves from anyone, we have no preconceived or what's more hostile intentions towards anyone. ** [https://www.wionews.com/world/russia-doesnt-want-to-isolate-itself-is-open-to-global-partnership-says-putin-579612 "Russia doesn't want to isolate itself, is open to global partnership, says Putin"], WIO News (6 April 2023) * The T-90M Proryv is the world’s best tank. As soon as it approaches positions, no chance is left for anyone or anything. ** [https://tass.com/politics/1631579 "Putin calls T-90M Proryv world’s best main battle tank"], ''TASS'' (June 13, 2023) * Anyone who consciously goes along the path of betrayal, who is prepared for armed mutiny, and takes the course of blackmail and terrorist actions, will receive an inevitable punishment. * Those who have been pulled into the crime, I'm asking you not to make this crucial, tragic, unrepeatable mistake [...] Make the right choice and stop participating in criminal actions. * As President of Russia and the Supreme Commander, as a citizen of Russia, I will do everything to defend the country, protect the Constitution, lives and safety, liberty of our citizens. * We fight for the lives and security of our people. For our sovereignty and independence [...] The right to remain as Russia, a state with a 1,000 years of history. * Our external enemies are using any arguments to undermine us from within [...] Thus, actions splitting our unity is a betrayal of our people, our combat brothers who fight now at the frontline. It's a dagger in the back of our country and our people. ** Speech delivered on Russian television (24 June 2023) on the [[w:Wagner Group rebellion|rebellion]] led by [[Yevgeny Prigozhin]] and the [[w:Wagner Group|Wagner Group]], as cited in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2023/06/24/putin-prigozhin-wagner-coup-russia-ukraine-punish-traitors/ "Putin vows to brutally punish 'traitor' Prigozhin and his Wagner mercenaries"] ''The Telegraph'' (24 June 2023) ** In some reports, "dagger in the back" was rendered as "[[w:Stab-in-the-back myth|stab in the back]]". * The maintenance of the entire Wagner group was fully provided for by the state. ** Comment (27 June 2023) quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/07/14/europe/russia-putin-wagner-prigozhin-tensions-intl/index.html "Wagner ‘does not exist’: Why Putin claims a rift in the mercenary group"], ''CNN'' (14 July 2023) * [[w:Wagner Group|Wagner PMC]] does not exist. We do not have a law for private military organizations. It simply does not exist. * There is no such legal entity. ** Comment (13 July 2023) quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/07/14/europe/russia-putin-wagner-prigozhin-tensions-intl/index.html "Wagner ‘does not exist’: Why Putin claims a rift in the mercenary group"], ''CNN'' (14 July 2023) * Western curators have put [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|a person]] at the head of modern Ukraine - an ethnic Jew, with Jewish roots, with Jewish origins.<br />And thus, in my opinion, they seem to be covering up an anti-human essence that is the foundation... of the modern Ukrainian state.<br />And this makes the whole situation extremely disgusting, in that an ethnic Jew is covering up the glorification of Nazism and covering up those who led [[the Holocaust]] in Ukraine at one time - and this is the extermination of one and a half million people. ** In an appearance on Russian television (5 September 2023), as quoted in [https://www.thejc.com/news/world/putin-claims-zelensky-was-put-in-office-by-the-west-to-cover-up-glorification-of-nazism-5HnmWH8aA38d4bU0PTi1K1 "Putin claims Zelensky was put in office by the West to 'cover up glorification of Nazism'"], ''[[w:The Jewish Chronicle|The Jewish Chronicle]]'' (6 September 2023). ** [[w:Mykhailo Podolyak|Mykhailo Podolyak]], an advisor to the president of Ukraine, said Putin is "disgusting when he tries to justify mass crimes against citizens of another country with a monstrous lie". * It is not right to do anything in foreign policy that harms the interests of other peoples. ** Said about the [[Soviet Union]] sending tanks into [[w:Hungarian Revolution of 1956|Budapest in 1956]] and into [[w:Warsaw Pact invasion of Czechoslovakia|Prague in 1968]], as quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/putin-sending-soviet-tanks-into-hungary-czechoslovakia-was-mistake-2023-09-12/ "Putin: sending Soviet tanks into Hungary and Czechoslovakia was a mistake"], ''Reuters'' (12 September 2023) * We did not start the so-called war in Ukraine. On the contrary - we are trying to finish it. ** Claimed without providing evidence, at a meeting of the Valdai Discussion Club in Sochi, as cited in [https://www.jpost.com/international/article-761849 "Vladimir Putin: West has lost touch with reality, Russia pushing back"], ''The Jerusalem Post'' (Reuters, 5 October 2023) * The terrifying events happening right now in Gaza, where hundreds of thousands of totally innocent people are being killed without differentiation, unable to flee, cannot be justified in any way. ** [https://www.ft.com/content/3da1eb7b-318c-41f2-8ec3-07e19bdcbb59 "What antisemitic attacks in Dagestan say about Vladimir Putin’s Russia"], ''Financial Times'' (30 October 2023) (No details or proof were given regarding the claim about "hundreds of thousands" that are "being killed") *[About the death of [[Henry Kissinger]] ] An outstanding diplomat, a wise and far-sighted statesman who enjoyed well-deserved respect around the world for decades, has passed away. **[http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/72875 Condolences over the passing of Henry Kissinger] * There will be peace when we will achieve our goals. ** Said in annual Q&A session, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/putin-russia-press-conference-moscow-ukraine-ef4e88fda50e6ad75b8a1979b95d9fcc "Putin says there will be no peace in Ukraine until Russia’s goals, still unchanged, are achieved"], ''AP News'' (14 December 2023) ==== 2024 ==== *The [[CIA]] did its job to complete the coup <nowiki>[</nowiki>[[Euromaidan]]<nowiki>]</nowiki>. I think one of the Deputy Secretaries of State said that it cost a large sum of money, almost 5 billion dollars. But the political mistake was colossal! Why would they have to do that? All this could have been done legally, without victims, without military action, without losing Crimea. We would have never considered to even lift a finger if it hadn’t been for the bloody developments on Maidan. Because we agreed with the fact that after the collapse of the Soviet Union our borders should be along the borders of former Union’s republics. We agreed to that. But we never agreed to NATO’s expansion and moreover we never agreed that Ukraine would be in NATO. We did not agree to NATO bases there without any discussion with us. For decades we kept urging them: don’t do this, don’t do that. ** [http://en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/73411 Interview to Tucker Carlson], (February 9, 2024) * What kind of negotiations can we talk about with people who indiscriminately strike civilians, civilian infrastructure and try to endanger nuclear power facilities? ** [https://english.pravda.ru/news/hotspots/160336-putin-kursk-ukraine/ "Putin: It makes no sense to talk to those who strike civilians"], Pravdareport (August 12, 2024) * No one seems to consider whether Europeans want to jeopardise their relationship with China by getting involved in Asian affairs through NATO, creating a situation that raises concerns among regional countries, including China. I can assure you that they do not want this. Yet, they are being pulled into this, like small dogs on a leash pulled by a big fellow. * Let me remind you once again: back in 2014, the Western countries led by the US organised, or at least supported, [[Revolution_of_Dignity|a coup d'etat]]. This is what sparked the crisis. Then, NATO has been pushed into it for many years. This is how the crisis began. And the war began in 2014, too, because they launched armed actions involving armed forces against people who didn’t accept the coup. So the war broke out in 2014. ** "Meeting with journalists from BRICS countries (''en.kremlin.ru/events/president/news/75349'')", Novo-Ogaryovo, Moscow Region (October 18, 2024) ====2025==== *[About Ukrainians] They will not exist for a month if the money and, in a broad sense, run out. Everything would be over in a month or two. **As quoted in ''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thwnrCmiQ94 Putin Refuses Talks With 'Illegitimate' Zelensky, Threatens Kyiv | 'It Won't Exist If West's...']'', ''[[w:en:Times of India|Times of India]]'' (January 28, 2025) *If ([[Zelensky]]) wants to participate in the negotiations, I will allocate people to take part in the negotiations. [He is] an illegitimate [leader]. If there is a desire to negotiate and find a compromise, let anyone lead the negotiations there... Naturally, we will strive for what suits us, what corresponds to our interests. ** As quoted in ''[https://thepeninsulaqatar.com/article/28/01/2025/putin-says-talks-with-ukraine-possible-but-not-illegitimate-with-zelensky Putin says talks with Ukraine possible, but not with 'illegitimate' Zelensky]'', ''[[w:en:The Peninsula (newspaper)|The Peninsula]]'' (January 28, 2025) * Russians and Ukrainians are one people. In this sense, all of Ukraine is ours. There’s an old rule that wherever a Russian soldier sets foot, that’s ours. * Now we are forced to create a security zone along the border. We're not planning to take Sumy. But I do not rule it out. ** [https://meduza.io/en/news/2025/06/20/wherever-a-russian-soldier-sets-foot-that-s-ours-vladimir-putin-declares "‘Wherever a Russian soldier sets foot, that’s ours,’ Vladimir Putin declares"] ''Meduza'' (June 22, 2025) * ''About the possibility of having peacekeeping troops from Western countries stationed in Ukraine: : If some troops appear there, especially now, during military operations, we proceed from the fact that these will be legitimate targets for destruction. :* [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2025/sep/05/western-troops-ukraine-legitimate-targets-vladimir-putin-says "Western troops in Ukraine would be ‘legitimate targets’, Putin says"] ''The Guardian'' (September 5, 2025) ==== 2026 ==== * We are all going through everything that’s happening in the Ukrainian direction right now. But how did it all start? With Ukraine’s attempt to join the EU. ** [https://www.euractiv.com/news/putin-says-armenia-eu-membership-referendum-would-be-logical/ "Putin says Armenia EU membership referendum would be 'logical'"] ''Euractiv'' (May 10, 2026) * Recently—I won’t give an exact figure for the number of settlements, as I’m afraid of getting it wrong—but the Russian army has brought approximately 2’440’000 square kilometres [in Ukraine] under its control. ** Ukraine's territory in its internationally recognized borders is 603'600 km2 [https://ru.themoscowtimes.com/2026/06/05/putin-zayavil-chto-zahvatil-dve-tisyachi-chetiresta-sorok-tisyach-kvadratnih-kilometrov-ukraini-eto-v4-raza-bolshe-vsei-eeterritorii-a197388 Путин заявил, что захватил «две тысячи четыреста сорок тысяч квадратных километров» Украины. Это в 4 раза больше всей ее территории], ''The Moscow Times'' (5 June 2026) {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * To forgive the terrorists is up to God, but to send them to him is up to me. ** [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/world/rest-of-world/Guess-what-Vladimir-Putin-never-said/articleshow/49846646.cms "Guess what Vladimir Putin never said"], ''The Times of India'' (19 November 2015) {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Putin == :<small>Alphabetized by author or source </small><!-- this should be PRIMARY organization, and THEN chronologically, if there are multiple statements by an author or source — this has currently NOT been followed — resulting in a VERY CONFUSING MESS of attempts to organize diverse and scattered comments from multiple authors and sources chronologically and then GEOGRAPHICALLY — I currently do NOT have time to reorganize this now — but may do so within a few weeks if no one else is interested in doing so. ~ Kalki 2025·08·31  --> [[File:Bush&Putin33rdG8.jpg|thumb|I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]] ===2000s=== * '''Putin’s control of the media is becoming more and more comprehensive. What is left over, that ownership does not ensure, self-censorship increasingly neuters. The ''[[Gleichschaltung]]'' of parliament and political parties is, if anything, even more impressive.''' The presidential party, United Russia, and its assorted allies, with no more specific programme than unconditional support for Putin, command some 70 per cent of the seats in the Duma, enough to rewrite the constitution if that were required. But a one-party state is not in the offing. On the contrary, mindful of the rules of any self-respecting democracy, the Kremlin’s political technicians are now putting together an opposition party designed to clear the bedraggled remnants of [[Communism]] — [[liberalism]] has already been expunged — from the political scene, and provide a decorative pendant to the governing party in the next parliament. ** [[Perry Anderson]], in [https://www.lrb.co.uk/the-paper/v29/n02/perry-anderson/russia-s-managed-democracy "Russia’s Managed Democracy", ''London Review of Books'' Vol. 29 No. 2 (25 January 2007)] * I looked the man in the eye. I found him to be very straightforward and trustworthy. We had a very good dialogue. I was able to get a sense of his soul; a man deeply committed to his country and the best interests of his country. ** [[George W. Bush]], [http://georgewbush-whitehouse.archives.gov/news/releases/2001/06/20010618.html joint press conference] (16 June 2001) * Under Russian Federation President and former career foreign [[Intelligence-gathering|intelligence]] officer Vladimir Putin, an 'FSB State' composed of chekists has been established and is consolidating its hold on the country. Its closest partners are organized criminals. In a world marked by a [[Globalization|globalized]] economy and [[Information technology|information infrastructure]], and with transnational terrorism groups utilizing all available means to achieve their goals and further their interests, Russian intelligence collaboration with these elements is potentially disastrous. ** Julie Anderson, [http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/08850600500483699 "The Chekist Takeover of the Russian State"], ''International Journal of Intelligence and Counter-Intelligence'' (May 2006), Volume 19, Issue 2, pp. 237&ndash;288. * …this may be the time to say one or two things to the person responsible for my present condition. You may succeed in silencing me but that silence comes at a price. You have shown yourself to be as barbaric and ruthless as your most hostile critics have claimed. You have shown yourself to have no respect for life, liberty or any civilised value. You have shown yourself to be unworthy of your office, to be unworthy of the trust of civilised men and women. You may succeed in silencing one man but the howl of protest from around the world will reverberate, Mr Putin, in your ears for the rest of your life. May God forgive you for what you have done, not only to me but to beloved Russia and its people. ** Final statement of [[Alexander Litvinenko]], issued posthumously. {{cite news| url=http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/6180262.stm |work=BBC News | title=In full: Litvinenko statement | date=24 November 2006}} * [In 2000] Vladimir Putin had the intelligence, energy and stamina the country needed to get Russia's economy on track and handle its complicated politics. ** [[Bill Clinton]], as quoted in "[http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/29/opinion/29clinton.html?_r=1&oref=slogin Boris the Fighter]" (29 April 2007), ''The New York Times'' * This guy is a KGB guy. This guy issues a law allowing the Russians to kill opponents abroad. So they kill opponents abroad. This is absolutely logical. Why did they issue this law? For what? Because this is Russia and nobody agrees to kill without the signature of somebody more important who gave the order. ** [[Boris Berezovsky]], as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2007/01/29/kremlin-inc "Kremlin, Inc.: Why are Vladimir Putin’s opponents dying?"] (29 January 2007), by Michael Specter, ''The New Yorker''. * I looked into his eyes and saw three letters: a 'K', a 'G', and a 'B'. ** [[John McCain]], as quoted in [http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/01/07/hillary_clinton_campaigning_ponders_putins_soul/ "Hillary Clinton Campaigning Ponders Putin's Soul"] (2008), ''Boston''. * I looked into his eyes and I didn't see his soul, but a cold-blooded killer. [[Robert Gates]] to [[George W. Bush|George W Bush]], as quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/tv/2022/02/27/exp-gps-0227-gates-russia-ukraine-putin.cnn/ "On GPS: Gates on Putin, 27 February 2022"] (2006) * [[Russia]] is a new phenomenon in Europe: a state defined and dominated by former and active-duty security and intelligence officers. Not even [[fascist]] [[Italy]], [[Nazi Germany]], or the [[Soviet Union]] – all undoubtedly much worse creations than Russia; were as top-heavy with intelligence talent ... There is no historical precedent for a society so dominated by former and active-duty internal-security and intelligence officials; men who rose up in a professional culture in which [[murder]] could be an acceptable, even obligatory, [[business]] practice... Those who operated within the Soviet sphere were the most malevolent in their practices. These men mentored and shaped Putin and his closest friends and allies. It is therefore unsurprising that Putin's Russia has become an assassination-happy state where detention, interrogation, and torture; all tried and true methods of the Soviet [[KGB]]; are used to silence the voices of untoward [[Journalism|journalists]] and [[Businessperson|businessmen]] who annoy or threaten Putin's FSB state. ** [[Reuel Marc Gerecht|Reuel M. Gerecht]], [http://www.aei.org/publications/filter.all,pubID.25917/pub_detail.asp "A Rogue Intelligence State? Why Europe and America Cannot Ignore Russia"] (6 April 2007), AEI. [[File:რატომ?.jpg|thumb|400px|right|Putin told several Western leaders, “I want Saakashvili’s head.” <br/> If they want my head, for me it’s more funny than troubling. <br/> ~ [[Mikheil Saakashvili]]]] * Putin told several Western leaders, “I want Saakashvili’s head.” If they want my head, for me it’s more funny than troubling. ** [[Mikheil Saakashvili]], as quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/19/magazine/19WWln-q4-t.html "An American Friend"] (19 October 2008), ''The New York Times'' * ''Ich glaube ihm das, und ich bin davon überzeugt, dass er das ist.'' ** I believe him, and I'm convinced that he is. ** German Chancellor [[Gerhard Schröder]] responding to the question ''Ist Putin ein lupenreiner Demokrat?'' (Is Putin an exemplary democrat?), interview on the television show ‘Beckmann’, 23 November 2004, quoted on [http://www.dradio.de/dlf/sendungen/interview_dlf/1015218/ dradio.de] ===2010s=== * I repent and ask for forgiveness for bringing Vladimir Putin to power. I should have seen, but could not see in him the future of a greedy tyrant and usurper, a man who trampled freedom and stopped the development of Russia. Many of us did not recognize it then, but that does not excuse me. I'm sorry. ** [[Boris Berezovsky]], Facebook posting (26 February 2012) * Mother of God, Drive Putin Away. ** Title of a song by the Russian music group Pussy Riot, quoted in [https://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-absurd-and-outrageous-trial-of-pussy-riot "The Absurd and Outrageous Trial of Pussy Riot"], New Yorker, 7 August 2012 * Vladimir Putin wants to restore the old Russian empire. He cannot stand a free, democratic, prosperous [[Ukraine]], because sooner or later the people of [[Russia]] would want to have that kind of lifestyle as well. **[[John McCain]], quoted in [https://www.voanews.com/a/mccain-urges-crushing-sanctions-for-russia-arms-for-ukraine/2439206.html "McCain Urges 'Crushing' Sanctions for Russia, Arms for Ukraine"] ''Voice of America'' (September 4, 2014) * Putin’s intimidating aura is often reinforced by his controlled mannerisms, modulated tone, and steady gaze. But he can get quite animated if he wants to drive home a point, his eyes flashing and his voice rising in pitch... “You Americans need to listen more,” President Putin said as I handed him my credentials as ambassador, before I had gotten a word out of my mouth. “You can’t have everything your way anymore. We can have effective relations, but not just on your terms.” <br>It was 2005, and in the ensuing years I would hear that message again and again, as unsubtle and defiantly charmless as the man himself... ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * Putin... seemed in many ways the anti-Yeltsin—younger, sober, fiercely competent, hardworking and hard-faced... he was determined to show that Russia would no longer be the potted plant of major-power politics. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * Early on in his Kremlin tenure, Putin had tested, with President [[George W. Bush]], a form of partnership suited to his view of Russian interests and prerogatives. He imagined a common front in the post-9/11 [[War on terror|War on Terror]], in return for acceptance of Russia’s special influence in the former Soviet Union, with no encroachment by [[NATO]] beyond the Baltics and no interference in Russia’s domestic politics. But this kind of transaction was never in [[Foreign policy of the United States|the cards]].... [[Barack Obama|Obama]] struggled to stay connected to Putin, whose suspicions never really eased.... We managed a string of tangible accomplishments: a new nuclear-arms-reduction treaty; a military transit agreement for Afghanistan; a partnership on the Iranian nuclear issue. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 *The upheavals of the [[Arab Spring]] unnerved Putin; he reportedly watched [[w:Muammar Gaddafi#Capture and killing|the grisly video of the demise]] of the Libyan leader [[Muammar Gaddafi|Muammar Qaddafi—]] caught hiding in a drainage pipe and killed by Western-backed rebels—over and over again. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * [[Barack Obama|President Barack Obama]] first met with Putin in Moscow in July 2009, and I accompanied him... En route to Putin’s dacha... I suggested that Obama open the meeting with a question. Why not ask Putin for his candid assessment of what he thought had gone right, and what had gone wrong, in Russian-American relations over the past decade? Putin liked being asked his opinion... Maybe letting him get some things off his chest would set a good tone. The president nodded. Obama’s initial question produced an unbroken 55-minute monologue filled with grievances, sharp asides, and acerbic commentary. ** [[William J. Burns (diplomat)]] ''How the U.S. -Russian Relationship Went Bad, The Atlantic,'' April 2019 * Vladimir Putin, yeah, I met with him a lot during the presidency... I got to know him very well. I had a good relationship throughout, it became more tense as time went on... Vladimir’s a person who in many ways views the U.S. as an enemy... And although he wouldn’t say that, I felt that he viewed the world as either the U.S. benefits and Russia loses or vice-versa. I tried of course to dispel him of that notion... ** [[George W. Bush]], [http://www.politico.com/story/2014/04/george-w-bush-vladimir-putin-barney-dog-105379 ''Today''] (April 2014), NBC [[File:Парад в честь 70-летия Великой Победы - 26.jpg|thumb|I have had closer interactions with President Putin than with any other foreign colleagues. He is my best and bosom friend. I cherish dearly our deep friendship. ~[[Xi Jinping]]]] *I have had closer interactions with President Putin than with any other foreign colleagues. He is my best and bosom friend. I cherish dearly our deep friendship. **[[Xi Jinping]], as quoted in "[https://www.businessinsider.com/china-xi-jinping-russia-vladimir-putin-best-friends-photos-2019-6 18 photos that show the blossoming bromance between China's Xi Jinping and Russia's Vladimir Putin]" ''Business Insider'' [[File:Uscapitolindaylight.jpg|thumb|If there is a threat to national and global security today, and a threat to [[free speech]] and independent media, it is not coming from Putin or the Kremlin – but rather from the United States. And until the [[Left-wing politics|American left]] gathers itself and stops listening to the [[w:war hawk|warmongering pundits]] and [[Mainstream media|establishment journalists]] parroting the Washington narrative, we have nothing but a bleak future in front of us with regards to the relation between the two old nemesis nuclear superpower. ~ {{w|Jonathan Sigrist}}]] * People say, "He's the most popular guy in Russia." I say: "Yeah, I'd be popular too if I owned NBC." ** [[George W. Bush]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/is-putin-popular-c/ "Is Putin Popular?"] (2018), by Jay Nordlinger, ''National Review'' * When Putin began talking about Russia’s sovereignty, Russia’s independent course in world affairs, they’re (the Washington elites) aghast... This is not what they expected... Putin was kind of the right person for the right time, both for Russia and for Russian world affairs. ** [[Stephen F. Cohen]] in ''War With Russia? From Putin & Ukraine to Trump & Russiagate'' (2019) * Putin went to [[Texas]]. He had a barbecue with Bush, second Bush. Bush said he ‘looked into his eyes and saw a good soul.’ There was this honeymoon. Why did they turn against Putin?... You have to ask yourself, why is it that Washington had no problem doing productive diplomacy with Soviet communist leaders... Why do we like [[Communism|communist]] leaders in Russia better than we like Russia’s [[Anti-communism|anti-communist]] leader?... Putin said he had illusions about the West when he came to power. ** [[Stephen F. Cohen]] in ''War With Russia? From Putin & Ukraine to Trump & Russiagate'' (2019) * The degradation of [[Mainstream media|mainstream American press]] coverage of Russia, a country still vital to [[national security|US national security]], has been under way for many years. If the recent tsunami of shamefully unprofessional and politically inflammatory articles in leading newspapers and magazines — particularly about the Sochi Olympics, [[Ukraine]] and, unfailingly, President Vladimir Putin — is an indication, this media malpractice is now pervasive and the new norm. ** [[Stephen F. Cohen]], in [https://www.thenation.com/article/distorting-russia/ ''Distorting Russia How the American media misrepresent Putin, Sochi and Ukraine''], ''{{w|The Nation}}'' (February 12, 2014) * After nearly fifteen years of systematic destruction of public space, engineered by Putin, the normal ways by which regular people absorb information about the state of their country are gone. Only a person who had lost his livelihood or half his savings would have been able to report that the economy was failing. ** [[Masha Gessen]], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/news-in-moscow-russia-ruble "The News in Moscow"] (27 December 2014), ''The New Yorker''. * Public space frightens the Putin regime, which has worked hard, and effectively, to destroy it. ** [[Masha Gessen]], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/the-battle-for-flowers-on-nemtsov-bridge "The Battle For Flowers on Nemtsov Bridge"] (16 April 2015), ''The New Yorker''. * Like the Soviet regime before it, the Putin government spreads fear by destroying the [[illusion]] that one can protect oneself. ** [[Masha Gessen]], [http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/putins-russia-dont-walk-dont-eat-and-dont-drink?intcid=mod-yml "Putin's Russia: Don't Walk, Don't Eat, and Don't Drink"] (28 May 2015), ''The New Yorker''. * In 1999 the ailing [[Boris Yeltsin|Yeltsin]] anointed a former [[Leningrad]] [[KGB]] boss, Vladimir Putin, as his successor. The contrast was total. Putin was the epitome of a tough, communist-era apparatchik. The ex-[[Intelligence-gathering|intelligence]] officer had no time for the niceties of [[democracy]], but a keen sense of the need to restore Russian pride. He would issue pictures of himself [[hunting]] and bare-chested on horseback. His court of [[Oligarchy|oligarchs]] made sure he secured as much overseas [[wealth]] as they had. [[Putinism|Putin’s politics]], endorsed at increasingly [[Electoral fraud|rigged]] [[Elections in Russia|elections]], made no mention of [[Civil and political rights|civil rights]] or [[Market economy|market economics]]. He was a [[Populism|populist]] and a [[Nationalism|nationalist]], his pledge merely to restore Russia’s integrity and self-confidence. Opponents were bribed, imprisoned or killed. The west might have felt able to humour and torment Yeltsin. It now faced the pastiche tsar of a macho state. That Russia’s economy was debilitated was irrelevant. [[Dictatorship]] thrives on [[poverty]]. ** Simon Jenkins, ''A Short History of Europe: From Pericles to Putin'' (2018) * In 2010 the pro-Russian leader of Ukraine, [[Viktor Yanukovych]], opposed any move to take the country closer to NATO or the EU, but within four years he was [[Revolution of Dignity|ousted by pro-western parties]] in Kiev, precipitating an open civil war in Ukraine’s [[Russian language|Russian-speaking]] eastern provinces, the latter supported by Moscow. Tension was further increased when in 2014 [[Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Putin annexed the formerly Russian territory of Crimea]], granted to Ukraine in the 1950s. Europe replied with a barrage of economic sanctions, which had no political effect beyond entrenching Russia’s siege economy and bringing Putin closer to his oligarchic associates. The economy switched to [[w:Import substitution|import substitution]], including the manufacture of domestic mozzarella and camembert. NATO reopened its invitation to Ukraine and conducted military exercises in the Baltic countries. Russia did likewise. Europe slid back into brinkmanship mode. Misjudging Moscow had long been the occupational disease of European [[diplomacy]]. It cursed alike [[Swedes]], [[Poland|Poles]], [[Napoleon]] and [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. It now blighted a western alliance divided on how to respond to this newly aggressive Russia. ** Simon Jenkins, ''A Short History of Europe: From Pericles to Putin'' (2018) * Russia was now becoming a dominant factor in European diplomacy. It had copious natural resources, a large army, a nuclear arsenal and a reckless capacity for mischief-making, cyber attacks and overseas [[assassination]]. As [[Winston Churchill|Churchill]] had said in 1939, Russia might always be ‘a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma’, but on one matter Putin was crystal clear. He did not like NATO’s encirclement of his borders or meddling within his ‘sphere of interest’. In this he had an increasingly sympathetic ear from [[Germany]]’s [[Angela Merkel]] and from some former Warsaw Pact leaders. [[Geography]] mattered. It was easy for Britain and France to play belligerence with Moscow. It was less easy for Germany and the still ingénue democracies to its [[East/Central Europe|east]]. ** Simon Jenkins, ''A Short History of Europe: From Pericles to Putin'' (2018) * Allow dissent & free media for 6 months in Russia and see what happens. Putin would never risk it because he’s terrified of his own people and the truth, like every [[Dictatorship|dictator]]. ** [[Garry Kasparov]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/is-putin-popular-c/ "Is Putin Popular?"] (2018), by Jay Nordlinger, ''National Review'' * The leaders of the free world keep lowering their standards and [[Authoritarianism|authoritarians]] keep taking more territory. Eventually people wake up and ask why Putin murders in the [[United Kingdom|UK]] or hacks in the US. Why wouldn’t he? You didn’t stop him before. ** [[Garry Kasparov]], as quoted in [https://www.nationalreview.com/2018/03/is-putin-popular-c/ "Is Putin Popular?"] (2018), by Jay Nordlinger, ''National Review'' * And then there is Russia. Over the past 8 years under President Vladimir Putin, Russia has invaded Ukraine, annexed Crimea, threatened NATO allies, and intervened militarily in Syria, leaving a trail of death and destruction and broken promises in his wake. [[Russian Armed Forces|Russia’s military]] has targeted Syrian hospitals and first responders with precision weapons. Russia supplied the weapons that shot down a commercial aircraft over Ukraine. Russia’s war on Ukraine has killed thousands of Ukrainian soldiers and civilians. And in the most flagrant demonstration of Putin’s disdain and disrespect for our Nation, [[Russian interference in the 2016 United States elections|Russia deliberately interfered in our recent election]] with [[w:cyberwarfare|cyber attacks]] and a [[disinformation]] campaign designed to weaken America and discredit Western values. Each of our last three Presidents has had great expectations of building a partnership with the Russian Government. Each attempt has failed, not for lack of good faith and effort on the U.S. side, but because of a stubborn fact that we must finally recognize: Putin wants to be our enemy. He needs us as his enemy. He will never be our partner, including in fighting ISIL. He believes that strengthening Russia means weakening America. We must proceed realistically on this basis. ** [[John McCain]], during his remarks as Chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee during the confirmation hearing on James Mattis' nomination for Secretary of Defense, on January 12, 2017. As quoted on page 19 of the hearing's transcript. * I understand why he has to do this; to prove he's a man... He's afraid of his own weakness. Russia has nothing, no successful politics or economy. All they have is this. ** [[Angela Merkel]], as quoted in [http://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2014/12/01/quiet-german "The Quiet German"] (1 December 2014), by George Paker, ''The New Yorker''. * Putin has a weak hand and he's bluffing, successfully; the West has a strong hand and has no idea what to do with it. ** Jay Nordlinger, [https://www.nationalreview.com/blog/corner/democracy-wont-defend-itself-we-have-to/ "Democracy Won’t Defend Itself; We Have To"] (4 March 2018), ''National Review'' * Putin is slouching…looking like that bored schoolboy in the back of the classroom. ** [[Barack Obama|Barack H. Obama II]], as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/wp/2013/08/09/obama-putins-a-sloucher/ "Obama: Putin is slouchin'"], (9 August 2013), ''The Washington Post''. * This man thinks that you can’t criticise your government. This man thinks that if you sing and dance in an inappropriate way you get two years in prison! ** [[Pussy Riot]], as quoted in [http://lybio.net/tag/pussy-riot-vladimir-putin-message-quotes/ "Members of the Pussy Riot burn effigy Putin as they vow to continue their 'musical fight in Russia"] (6 September 2012), ''Lybio.Net''. * History shows that the process of modernization leads societies to form liberal democracies with market systems. Yet some leaders insist on trying to create alternative models, even though those models are unstable and retrograde. Putin's [[Authoritarianism|authoritarian]] effort to create a managed democracy in Russia offers a good example... After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1991 many people expected Russia to make a rapid transition from communism to democracy... However, what followed in Russia was a period of experimentation with relatively greater [[liberalism]] under President [[Boris Yeltsin]] that led not to democracy, but the rise of Putin and an authoritarian system... Putin's authoritarian system does not mean that he has built a successful alternative to [[liberal democracy]]. Instead, the system owes its existence in part to the slow development of a middle class in Russia that normally would demand a share of power. That slow development, in turn, is largely thanks to the state's monopolization of the country's most lucrative business activities: the export of energy and other natural resources. ** Charles Recknagel, [http://www.rferl.org/content/fukuyama-putinism-islamic-state-liberal-democracy/27518924.html "Fukuyama: 'Putinism', Radical Islam No Alternative To Liberal Democracy"] (30 January 2016), ''Radio Free Europe: Radio Liberty''. * It was great to come so close to Putin and say 'fuck you' straight to his face, almost two years before other Ukrainians understood [[w:Foreign policy of Vladimir Putin#Relations with post-Soviet states|what he was doing to the country]]. ** [[Oksana Shachko]], as quoted in ''[https://luxtimes.lu/archives/12783-interview-speaking-of-femen-ism Interview: Speaking of Femen-ism]'' (3 August 2015), ''{{w|Luxemburger Wort}}''. * Throughout the day before [[w:2018 Russia–United States summit|the summit in Helsinki]], the lead story on the [[The New York Times|New York Times]] home page stayed the same:[https://www.nytimes.com/2018/07/15/world/europe/trump-putin-helsinki-summit.html “Just by Meeting With Trump, Putin Comes Out Ahead.”] ... The Washington Post...editorialized that Russia’s President [[Vladimir Putin]] is “an implacably hostile foreign adversary.” ...Contempt for diplomacy with Russia is now extreme... A bellicose stance toward Russia has become so routine and widespread that we might not give it a second thought... ** [[Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2018/07/16/climb-down-summit-hostile-propagandaClimb '''''...Hostile Propaganda: Contempt for diplomacy with Russia is now extreme,''' Common Dreams''] (16 July 2018) ) * Often the biggest lies involve what remains unsaid. For instance, [[Mainstream media|U.S. media]] rarely mention such key matters as the promise-breaking huge expansion of NATO to Russia’s borders since the fall of the [[Berlin Wall]]... or the more than 800 [[United States Armed Forces|U.S. military]] bases overseas -- in contrast to Russia’s nine... We need a major shift in the U.S. approach toward Russia...The lives -- and even existence -- of future generations are at stake in the relationship between Washington and Moscow... The incessant drumbeat is in sync with what [[Martin Luther King Jr.]] called “the madness of militarism." ** [[Norman Solomon]] in [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2018/07/16/climb-down-summit-hostile-propagandaClimb '''''...Hostile Propaganda: Contempt for diplomacy with Russia is now extreme,''' Common Dreams''] (16 July 2018) ) * Putin is the most mature statesmen in the whole world right now. He's been there for four [[President of the United States|American presidents]], since [[Bill Clinton|Clinton]]...He's been everywhere, met everybody. And he sees the world as needing balance. It's not a uni-polar world, dominated by the United States... He's been very clear that we need balances of regional power. Unfortunately, the United States just doesn't want to believe that...it's our military side that scares the sh-- out of me,.. as we tend to be arrogant, that's when you become very dangerous. ** [[Oliver Stone]] quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/oliver-stone-bush-biopic-w-militarization-more-dangerous-than-trump-2018-10 ''Oliver Stone says comparing 'disaster' of Bush's presidency to Trump is ridiculous and 'trivializes the situation, Business Insider''] (29 Oct 2018) *Somehow we have to learn that we don't have to be number one. We can be partners with the world.That's what I think Putin sees, very clearly. And he's trying to counter it in every way he can to keep his own region alive. He's in jeopardy. I mean, we have had our sights on him heavily since 2007 or 2008. ** [[Oliver Stone]] quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/oliver-stone-bush-biopic-w-militarization-more-dangerous-than-trump-2018-10 ''Oliver Stone says comparing 'disaster' of Bush's presidency to Trump is ridiculous and 'trivializes the situation, Business Insider''] (29 Oct 2018) * In January 2018, the experts at the [[Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists]] moved the hands of the [[Doomsday Clock]] to two minutes before midnight, where it had stood during the darkest days of the Cold War, from 1953 to 1960. The latest move of the hands was precipitated by the recklessness in Trump’s nuclear thinking and the deepening crisis over Korea.<BR> Acting like a hegemon, the United States, starting in 1999, took advantage of Russian weakness and broke its promise not to expand NATO, eventually adding 13 countries, the last of which was Montenegro, in 2017. When Bush announced plans to incorporate Georgia and Ukraine, Putin drew the line. Following the US-backed Ukrainian coup, he took back Crimea and made clear that there are limits to his toleration of NATO expansion. ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,''] [[Oliver Stone]] and {{w|Peter Kuznick}}, (3 April 2019) * In his March 1, 2018, Presidential Address to the Federal Assembly, he went further, throwing down the gauntlet to the United States. Russia, he acknowledged, had been on the defensive since the Soviet Union collapsed, having lost substantial amounts of its territory, population, GDP, industrial potential, and military capability. It depended on the [[International Monetary Fund|IMF]] and [[World Bank]] for survival. The United States ignored its appeals not to abrogate the ABM Treaty in 2002 and expanded its global missile-defense system, leaving Russia vulnerable to a US attack. <BR>But now, in March 2018, Putin was declaring that the US effort had failed. He unveiled the existence of five new nuclear weapons, all of which could circumvent US missile-defense systems. He concluded defiantly, “I hope everything that has been said today will sober any potential aggressor,” adding, “No one listened to us. Listen to us now.” Independent Russian military analyst Aleksandr Golts said that all the weapons experts he had spoken to were “in shock, as was I.” ** [https://www.thenation.com/article/untold-history-of-the-united-states-rerelease/ ''2 Minutes and Counting, Crises that seemed contained not long ago have now spiraled out of control—and the prospects for resolving them peacefully look depressingly bleak, the Nation,''] [[Oliver Stone]] and {{w|Peter Kuznick}}, (3 April 2019) *President Putin has done a lot of [hypocritical and oppressive actions] against his own people, and I would describe that as anti-Russian. **[[Michael McFaul]], former U.S. Ambassador to Russia, [https://highschool.latimes.com/carnegie-mellon-university/an-interview-with-former-u-s-ambassador-to-russia-michael-mcfaul/ An Interview with former U.S. Ambassador to Russia, Michael McFaul] (30 August 2019) [[File:Vladimir Putin and Bashar al-Assad (2017-11-21) 06.jpg|thumb|The different of President Putin, he could see that clearly while the other of in Europe or the Western couldn't see that, that's why the intervention is based on values and at the same time based on the interest of Russian people. ~[[Bashar al-Assad]]]] * When he wanted to intervene he didn't ask anything. First, '''his politics based on value, this is important''', the second thing they enter in common interest they are fighting the terrorists that they could fight in Russia we are fighting the terrorists that could be fighting in Europe and anywhere in some.... in world, but '''the different of President Putin, he could see that clearly while the other of in Europe or the Western couldn't see that, that's why the intervention is based on values and at the same time based on the interest of Russian people.''' ** [[Bashar al-Assad]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=45odEv_1DAY Interview with Bill Neely] (July 2016) on "[https://www.nbcnews.com/news/world/syria-s-president-bashar-al-assad-speaks-nbc-news-n608746 NBC: Exclusive Interview with Bashar al-Assad]" * The West used to have "puppets", not independent leaders or officials in any other countries and that's their problem with Putin, '''they demonize Putin because he can say no and he wants to be independent'''; because the West, especially the United States don't accept partners, they only accept "followers" even Europe is not part of the United States, that's to be very frank with you, so this is their problem in Syria they need somebody to keep saying yes, like puppet and marionette and so on, somebody you can control from...by remote control ** [[Bashar al-Assad]], ''President al Assad’s interview with Charlie Rose'', CBS News (2017) * The [[Jamal Khashoggi|Khashoggi]] episode- made worse by weeks of presidential hand-wringing- damaged America's credibility, yet it was hardly the worst case of the president's submission to autocrats. That honor goes to Vladimir Putin. Under President Putin, Russia has reasserted itself on the world stage, challenging the United States at every opportunity and seeking to be a peer competitor. Trump, seemingly unfazed by the regime's hostility toward Americans, has applauded Putin with regularity. ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 163 * The president's obvious admiration for Vladimir Putin ("a great guy," "terrific person") still continues to puzzle us, including those on the team who shrug off his outlandish behavior. Where did the Putin hero worship come from? It's almost as if Trump is the scrawny kid trying to suck up to the bully on the playground. Commentators have speculated, without any evidence, that Moscow must "have something" on the president. I wish I could say. All I know is that whatever drives his love for Putin, it's terrible for the United States because Vladimir Putin is not on our side and no US president should be building him up. We need a comprehensive strategy to counter the Russians, not court them. But Trump is living on another planet, one where he and Putin are companions and where Russia wants to help America be successful. As a result, US officials fear they're "on their own" in fighting back against Moscow. They're right. They are. If an agency wants to respond to Russia's anti-US behavior around the world, they shouldn't plan on steady air cover from the president. In fact, officials know they risk Trump's ire if the subject comes up in public interviews or congressional testimony. "I don't care," one fellow senior leader snapped when reminded by his staff that he needed to watch his words in Senate meetings. "He can fire me if he wants. I'm going to tell the truth. The Russians are not our friends." ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 166 * Trump's cavalier attitude toward the Russian security threat has had a predictable yet devastating consequence. Moscow has not been deterred from attacking American interests. It has been emboldened. They continue to take advantage of the United States, around the world and on our own soil. Former director of National Intelligence [[Dan Coats]] testified in January 2019 that Russia was still sowing social, racial, and political discord in the United States through influence operations, and several months later, [[Robert Mueller]] said the same. "It wasn't a single attempt," he testified to Congress. "They're doing it as we sit here. And they expect to do it during the next campaign." This should be a national scandal, a cause for outrage and action against the Russian government. Instead, it's being ignored where it should matter most- in the Oval Office. Reporters asked Trump about Mueller's assessment days later and quizzed him again on whether he'd pressed Putin on the topic. "You don't really believe this," he shot back. "Do you believe this? Okay, fine. We didn't talk about it." Then he boarded Marine One. The person he ''does'' believe is Putin. According to a former top FBI official, Trump at one point rejected information he received regarding a rogue country's missile capability. He said the Russian president had given him different information, so it didn't matter what US spy agencies said. "I don't care. I believe Putin," the official quoted him as saying. ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 167 * I, for one, don't want this president cutting secret deals with Vladimir Putin. ** Miles Taylor, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 167 ====[[Ray McGovern|Ray McGovern]] - Foreign Policy Journal (2 May 2018)==== [https://www.foreignpolicyjournal.com/2018/05/02/ray-mcgovern-russia-and-u-s-senators-want-disarmament-u-s-media-does-not/ Full text online] (2 May 2018) * [[Ray McGovern|Ray McGovern]]: Let me just start with [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]]’s major address [1 March 2018] ... It was really something. Not only did he advertise a whole new generation of strategic weaponry, which he claimed, and no one has disproved, would render the billions of dollars that we have wasted on antiballistic missile defenses useless. They’re useless to begin with, most scientists and engineers say, but these new weapons that he advertised, and some of which he said are operational, would upend that... he also said, Now, we tried to get you to listen to us. You wouldn’t listen to us. Now, hopefully, you will listen to us. Let’s get together at the appropriate time with experts and figure out how we address these problems, in other words, talks on arms control ... * Now, a couple days later he’s talking about the strategic relationship and somebody says, Now, Mr. Putin—this is in an interview...six days later—somebody says, Hey, listen, Mr. Putin...would you destroy the whole world? If there were a first strike on Russia, would you really respond? It would be too late to save Russia.... Look, He says, yes, this would be a global catastrophe, but “as a citizen of Russia and as the head of the Russian state, I ask, What need will we have for a world if there was no Russia?” So he’s saying, Look, you’ve got to take this stuff seriously. Yes, we would retaliate, even if it meant that the rest of the world would be blown up as well as Russia. * Two days later... senior senators... three Democrats....[[Dianne Feinstein|Feinstein]], [[Ron Wyden|Wyden]], the fellow up there in [[Massachusetts]], and [[Bernie Sanders]]—they issue a call, a letter to then Secretary of State [[Rex Tillerson]], Look, this is really getting out of hand. We don’t like the fact that Putin is brandishing these weapons that we really haven’t ever heard of before, but he’s calling for [[arms control]] talks, so let’s talk. Let’s talk. Guess what? That appeal appeared on all those four senators’ websites but was totally—totally—ignored by what passes for the [[mainstream media]]. So one suspects that this is an unwelcome subject, and there is proof positive...we're talking about four senior senators appealing for arms control talks on their websites but it never getting past their websites, no publicity for it. I’m thinking that [[Chuck Schumer]] said, No, no. Arms control, no, no... Don’t mention arms control talks. So that’s the reality in the mainstream media. * ...Putin’s looking at all this. He knows who “the crazies” are and he knows that [[John R. Bolton|Bolton]] has a lot of influence. So this is a very destabilizing thing, because when the Russians keep telling us, Look, we’ve got these new weapons, well, you know, the press says, Ah, they’re faking it, they’re probably faking it. You know, I don’t know if they’re faking it or not. But, my God, if we knew about all this, why is it not in the annual intelligence briefing that is given to both the House and to the Senate early each year? It’s missing. All we get is rhetoric about how bad the Russians are, just as if they were the old Soviet Union, ideologically determined to bury us... ===2020s=== [[File:Встреча с Президентом Венесуэлы Николасом Мадуро - 3.jpeg|thumb|The West used to have "puppets", not independent leaders or officials in any other countries and that's their problem with Putin, they demonize Putin because he can say no and he wants to be independent. ~ [[Bashar al-Assad]] ]] * Putin hadn't raised election meddling, but I certainly did, stressing there was even more interest than before because of the approaching 2018 congressional elections. Every member of [[United States Congress|Congress]] running for reelection, and all their challengers, had a direct personal interest in the issue, which they had not fully appreciated in 2016, with the attention on allegations of meddling at the presidential level. I said it was politically toxic for Trump to meet with Putin, but he was doing so to safeguard US national interests regardless of the political consequences, and to see if he could advance the relationship. After a few closing pleasantries, the roughly ninety-minute meeting ended. Putin struck me as totally in control, self-confident, whatever Russia's domestic economic and political challenges might have been. I was not looking forward to leaving him alone in a room with Trump. ** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 132 * I have always been strongly attracted by the Russian temperament, because I myself also feel very, very much Russian. I adore Vladimir Putin, your president. ** {{w|Gerard Depardieu}}, (26 February 2013). [http://gulfnews.com/arts-entertainment/celebrity/gerard-depardieu-pours-praise-on-vladimir-putin-1.1151064] * One of the more interesting aspects of the nauseating impeachment trial in the Senate was the repeated vilification of [[Russia]] and its President Vladimir Putin. To hate Russia has become dogma on both sides of the political aisle... the United States is engaged is fighting multiple wars against make-believe enemies while the country’s infrastructure rots and a host of officially certified grievance groups control the public space. ** [[Philip Giraldi]] in [https://councilforthenationalinterest.org/?p=5202 Why Both Republicans and Democrats Want Russia to Become the Enemy of Choice],''The Council for the American Interest''] (6 Feb 2020) * Vladimir Putin’s government has also been accused of downplaying the severity of [[COVID-19 pandemic|the outbreak]]. Officially, there have been 2,337 cases [[w:COVID-19 pandemic in Russia|in Russia]]—very low by international standards—but low testing rates make it hard to know for sure. Critics suggest that a suspiciously nationwide uptick in [[pneumonia]] cases in recent weeks actually consists of undiagnosed [[COVID-19]] cases. Aggressive measures put in place to punish the spread of “false” information on the outbreak online may also be preventing media outlets from publishing accurate information. After moving much more slowly than other governments to order lockdowns and social distancing measures, Russia is finally implementing new rules as the number of cases has grown rapidly in recent days. Putin, who was highly visible while touting the government’s efforts to contain the disease’s spread early on, was conspicuously absent when it was time to deliver the bad news. The impending crisis has not stopped [[Government of Russia|Russia’s government]] from scoring a propaganda coup by shipping medical supplies to other countries—including the [[2020 coronavirus pandemic in the United States|U.S]]. ** [[Joshua Keating]], ''[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2020/04/strongman-medicine-china-russia-kenya-india-pan.html Strongman Medicine: Suspicious Numbers and Brutal Quarantines]'' (April 2, 2020), ''[[w:Slate (magazine)|Slate]]'' * Listen, there's been a campaign, a war against Russia going on for a long time. It started again in the United States around 2006, '07, when he made that speech in Munich, but I think there's no evidence really of the aggressiveness of Russia. The aggressiveness is truly coming from the [[NATO|NATO forces]] that have encircled Russia and that are also, by the way, encircling [[China]]. You know, this is a big policy point, huge, of huge importance... If you look at the reporting from all of our major networks, it's very hostile when it comes to people who we deem to be enemies, whether it's Chávez or whether it's [[Fidel Castro|Castro]] or Putin. I've never seen an interview done from the American perspective where they allow the subject to express himself in what he was seeking to do, what his purpose was. ** [[Oliver Stone]], [https://www.washingtonpost.com/washington-post-live/2021/05/12/transcript-conversation-with-oliver-stone/ Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone,] (streamed live [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5pgnQ2M9tg on YouTube]) ''The Washington Post'' (12 May 2021) * Castro was very articulate, and so was Chavez, and so was Putin in his way, and I think I gave them a chance to talk and also in their native language. We never hear Putin speak in his native Russian, and we had a very good translator, interpreter working with him. I think it's crucial to understand Putin's point of view as it was Castro's, [[Hugo Chávez|Chávez]]'s. And also, [[Yasser Arafat]], too.. It's not necessary to be their enemy. It's necessary to get them to express themselves. That's my point of view, and I guess you could say I'm a dramatist. And I think they're great stories. I'm very proud of those movies. I took a lot of heat, flack for the last one for Putin, but frankly, I'm very proud of it. It's a record for all time of a man who very few people have gotten to. Even the Russians tell me they've never seen their president so frank as he was on that interview. ** Oliver Stone, Transcript: A Conversation with Oliver Stone, ''The Washington Post'' (12 May 2021) * There was a strange aftertaste to many of the calls for grand social [[reform]] in 2020. As the [[COVID-19 pandemic|coronavirus crisis]] overtook us, the [[Left-wing politics|left wing]] on both sides of the [[Atlantic Ocean|Atlantic]], at least that part that had been fired up [[Jeremy Corbyn]] and [[Bernie Sanders]], was going down to defeat. The promise of a radicalized and reenergized left, organized around the idea of the [[Green New Deal]], seemed to dissipate amidst the pandemic. It fell to [[Government|governments]] mainly of the [[Centrism|center]] and the [[Right-wing politics|right]] to meet the crisis. They were a strange assortment. [[Jair Bolsonaro]] in [[Brazil]] and [[Donald Trump]] in the [[United States]] experimented with denial. For them [[Climate change denial|climate skepticism]] and [[wikipedia:COVID-19_misinformation|virus skepticism]] went hand in hand. In [[Mexico]], the notionally left-wing government of [[Andrés Manuel López Obrador]] also pursued a maverick path, refusing to take drastic action. [[Nationalist]] strongmen like [[Rodrigo Duterte]] in the [[Philippines]], [[Narendra Modi]] in [[India]], Vladimir Putin in Russia, and [[Recep Tayyip Erdoğan]] in [[Turkey]] did not deny [[SARS-CoV-2|the virus]], but relied on their patriotic appeal and bullying tactics to see them through. It was the managerial centrist types who were under most pressure. Figures like [[Nancy Pelosi]] and [[Chuck Schumer]] in the United States, or [[Sebastián Piñera]] in [[Chile]], or [[Cyril Ramaphosa]] in [[South Africa]], [[Emmanuel Macron]], [[Angela Merkel]], [[Ursula von der Leyen]], and their ilk in [[Europe]]. They accepted the [[science]]. [[Denial]] was not an option. They were desperate to demonstrate that they were better than the '[[Populism|populists]].' To meet the crisis, very middle-of-the-road [[politicians]] ended up doing very [[Radicalism|radical]] things. Most of it was improvisation and compromise, but insofar as they managed to put a programmatic gloss on their responses—whether in the form of the [[EU]]'s [[wikipedia:Next_Generation_EU|Next Generation program]] or [[Joe Biden|Biden]]'s [[Build Back Better Plan|Build Back Better program]] in 2020—it came from the repertoire of [[Climate action|green modernization]], [[sustainable development]], and the [[Green New Deal]]. ** [[wikipedia:Adam Tooze|Adam Tooze]], ''Shutdown: How Covid Shook the World Economy'' (2021) * Fred had also primed [[Donald Trump|Donald]] to be drawn to men such as Cohn, as he would later be drawn to authoritarians such as Vladimir Putin and [[Kim Jong-un]] or anyone else, really, with a willingness to flatter and the power to enrich him. ** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 101 * Russian President Vladimir Putin on Thursday compared modern Western values ​​to Bolshevik dogmatism during his speech at the Valdai club forum and called for “rational conservatism.” The president recalled that the Bolsheviks showed an “absolute intolerance” to any opinion other than his own, they tried to destroy the values ​​that were formed several centuries ago. In this sense, he stressed that “looking at what is happening in various Western countries” now, we see the practices that Russia left in the distant past. ** [https://today.in-24.com/world/490087.html Putin compares modern Western values ​​with Bolshevik dogmatism and advocates “rational conservatism”], ''Today in 24'', 22 October 2021 === 2022 === * In the early days of the [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|war on Ukraine]], tens of thousands of Russians protested an invasion launched in their name. This was encouraging. Americans could content themselves with the possibility that Russian citizens might take matters into their own hands, challenging and weakening their president, Vladimir Putin. In recent weeks, however, such protests have become rare. This is in no small part due to the criminalization of opposition; publicly contesting the Kremlin’s war propaganda carries prison terms of up to 15 years. But fear is only a piece of the story. Russians also appear to be rallying behind their president, raising the question of whether ordinary citizens are partly to blame for their regime—and perhaps even morally culpable. <br>If Putin’s regime and the Russian people are more intertwined than they initially appeared, a presumption of innocence becomes harder to sustain. According to the Levada Center, the closest thing to an independent pollster in Russia, Putin’s favorability ratings jumped from 69 percent in January to 83 percent in late March, a month into the so-called special military operation. Perhaps more ominously, Russians appear to be informing on one another in growing numbers, condemning friends, neighbors, and colleagues for insufficient support of the war effort. One hard-line member of Parliament noted that a “cleansing” was inevitable. In a speech, Putin himself colorfully praised his fellow Russians’ ability to “distinguish true patriots from scum and traitors and simply spit them out like a fly that accidentally flew into their mouths.” ** Shadi Hamid, ''The Atlantic'', [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2022/04/russians-support-putin-invasion-popularity/629653/ Why the Russian People Go Along With Putin’s War] (April 23, 2022) *We had a moment in history, between 1988 and 1991, where we could have worked with [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] to make his vision of perestroika succeed. Instead, we allowed him to fail, without any real plan on how we would live with what emerged from the ruins of the Soviet Union. Save for a short period of time during the [[World War II|Second World War]] where we needed the [[Soviet Union]] to defeat Germany and Japan, we have been in a continual state of political conflict with the Soviet Union. Even after the Soviet Union collapsed, we viewed the [[Russia|Russian Federation]] more as a defeated enemy that we needed to keep down, than a friend in need of a helping hand up. Yeltsin’s Russia was useful to the US and NATO only to the extent that we could exploit it economically while controlling its domestic politics in a manner that kept Russia in a perpetual state of weakness. The [[Barack Obama|Obama]] “reset” was simply a ploy to remove Vladimir Putin, who rejected the vision of Russia projected by the west, and replace him with [[Dmitry Medvedev|Dmitri Medvedev]], whom Obama believed could be remade in the figure of [[Boris Yeltsin|Yeltsin]]. The fact that Putin believes in a strong Russia has upset the plans of the US, NATO, and Europe for post-Cold War hegemony, predicated as they were on a weak, compliant Russian state. **[[Scott Ritter]] as quoted in [https://dissidentvoice.org/2022/02/personal-interview-scott-ritter/ What Are The Prospects For Peace? by John Rachel, ''Dissident Voice''] (February 24, 2022) *Russian President Vladimir Putin, citing [[w:Chapter_VII_of_the_United_Nations_Charter#Article_51 |Article 51]] as his authority, ordered what he called a “special military operation” against Ukraine for the ostensible purpose of eliminating neo-Nazi affiliated military formations accused of carrying out acts of genocide against the Russian-speaking population of the Donbass, and for dismantling a Ukrainian military Russia believed served as a de facto proxy of the NATO military alliance. Putin laid out a detailed case for pre-emption, detailing the threat that NATO’s eastward expansion posed to Russia, as well as Ukraine’s ongoing military operations against the Russian-speaking people of the Donbass... <BR> The bottom line is that Russia has set forth a cognizable claim under the doctrine of anticipatory collective [[Self-defense|self defense]], devised originally by the U.S. and NATO, as it applies to ([[Charter of the United Nations]]) Article 51 which is predicated on fact, not fiction. While it might be in vogue for people, organizations, and governments in the West to embrace the knee-jerk conclusion that Russia’s military intervention constitutes a wanton violation of the United Nations Charter and, as such, constitutes an illegal war of aggression, the uncomfortable [[truth]] is that, of all the claims made regarding the legality of pre-emption under [[W:Chapter_VII_of_the_United_Nations_Charter#Article_51|Article 51 of the United Nations Charter]], Russia’s justification for invading Ukraine is on solid legal ground. **[[Scott Ritter]], [https://consortiumnews.com/2022/03/29/russia-ukraine-the-law-of-war-crime-of-aggression/ Russia, Ukraine & the Law of War: Crime of Aggression], [[W:Consortium News|''Consortium News'']] (March 29, 2022) * MOSCOW—Surveying his accomplishments in the past month with evident satisfaction, Vladimir Putin reportedly grew pleased Thursday as his plot to ruin the Russian economy and destroy its international standing went exactly to plan. “It’s incredible that in a few short weeks, my goal to tank the ruble and humiliate the Russian military on the global stage has gone off without a hitch,” said the Russian president, adding that when he laid out his plan to his inner circle months ago, few had believed that he could make such swift progress on stalling his army outside of Kyiv against a military that was an embarrassing order of magnitude smaller than his own. “The cherry on top is that by isolating myself from every country in Europe and driving the world together in condemnation of me, I’ve essentially made us into a vassal state of China’s. So we’re basically fucked from an economic and geopolitical perspective, which is just what I hoped to get out of this war. Now if I can just a get a few more thousand of my own troops killed, I’ll have everything I could ever want.” At press time, Putin had reportedly begun devising plans to invade Estonia with the express intention of spreading his forces ever thinner across eastern Europe in an unwinnable quagmire. **''The Onion'', parody news agency, [https://www.theonion.com/putin-pleased-as-plot-to-ruin-russian-economy-destroy-1848667941 "Putin Pleased As Plot To Ruin Russian Economy, Destroy International Standing Goes Exactly To Plan"] (March 17, 2022) *The bitter truth is that Washington's foreign policy establishment never actually considered [[Zelensky]] - or his predecessor [[Petro Poroshenko|Poroshenko]] - to be allies or partners of the United States. Overflowing with a toxic mix of ignorance, arrogance, and extreme cynicism, Washington's elites have always viewed [[Ukraine]] as a tool to "regime-change" a [[Russia]] that, after its post-Yeltsin recovery, would no longer take its direction from them. The false gods of [[American exceptionalism]] are jealous ones indeed.<BR>The [[Foreign policy of the United States|American foreign policy]] establishment wanted a perpetual "Yanks to the Rescue" Russia, whereby US "consultants" and spooks would ensure that the most obsequious candidate would continue to win and rule. A string of Russian presidents who would, à la Shevardnadze and a whole string of other post-Soviet leaders, run the country like a family business: lots of biznis deals for family members... and maybe 10 percent for the "big guy." Americans are victims (willing or not) of a mass media system as propagandistic as any that existed during Soviet Communism.... When it became obvious that Yeltsin's one-time understudy, Vladimir Putin, wasn't going to play that way, the party line came down that he must be demonized. ...Putin had to be demonized and, ultimately, "regime-changed."... Discourse in the US is so infantile that just writing this objective truth will no doubt land this author in the "Putin's puppet" purgatory. Not for the first time. **[http://www.ronpaulinstitute.org/archives/featured-articles/2022/february/25/washingtons-crocodile-tears-over-ukraines-destruction/ Daniel McAdams, Washington’s Crocodile Tears Over Ukraine’s Destruction], ''The Ron Paul Institute for Peace & Prosperity'' (February 26, 2022) ==== Australia ==== * There must be a price for the unprovoked, unlawful, unwarranted, unjustified attacks and threats and intimidation that has been imposed by Russia on Ukraine. This cannot be a consequence-free action by Vladimir Putin and the Russian regime. ** Australian Prime Minister [[Scott Morrison]], quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/world-reaction-putin-orders-military-operation-in-ukraine "World reacts to Russia’s attack on Ukraine"], Al Jazeera, 24 February 2022 ==== Belgium ==== * Everything we see today is proof that President Putin made a wrong calculation, a wrong calculation about the decision of the Ukrainians to defend themselves, a wrong calculation about the decision of the West to make Russia pay The costs of this war, a miscalculation of the unity we have as European partners and a miscalculation of NATO’s determination in recent months are stronger than ever. * Perhaps I should have mentioned one last miscalculation of President Putin – namely that he will not go unpunished. We see the war crimes committed, we see that the civilian population has been targeted, we see the refugees being attacked, it is very clear to us and we have discussed that we are united in the sense that these things must be known, evaluated and prosecuted at some point. Some people are responsible for what happened and must be held accountable. ** [[Alexander De Croo]], Prime Minister of Belgium, quoted in [https://www.tylaz.net/2022/04/12/alexander-de-croo-prime-minister-of-belgium-in-bucharest-putin-will-not-go-unpunished/ "Alexander De Croo, Prime Minister of Belgium, in Bucharest: Putin will not go unpunished"], Tylaz, 12 April 2022 ==== Canada ==== * It is clear that Putin is systematically targeting civilians, whether it’s hospitals or train stations or maternity wards. This is one of the reasons why [[Canada]] was one of the first countries to call on the [[International Criminal Court]] to look into Putin’s [[war crimes]]. ** Canadian Prime Minister [[Justin Trudeau]], quoted in [https://thehill.com/news/3263516-trudeau-putin-is-systematically-targeting-civilians-and-deliberately-committing-war-crimes/ "Trudeau: Putin is ‘systematically targeting civilians’ and ‘deliberately committing’ war crimes"], The Hill, 10 April 2022 * It is clear that Vladimir Putin is responsible for heinous [[war crimes]]. ** Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, quoted in [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/putin-is-responsible-for-heinous-war-crimes-justin-trudeau-in-ukraine-2957758 "'Putin Is Responsible For Heinous War Crimes': Justin Trudeau in Ukraine"], NDTV, 9 May 2022 * Putin has fundamentally miscalculated in a whole bunch of different ways. * Putin was wrong and he is, right now, failing and flailing in his response to the situation. * We continue to ensure that we do everything necessary to make sure Putin and his cronies are held to account. ** [https://apnews.com/article/united-nations-general-assembly-russia-ukraine-putin-justin-trudeau-d0892fa72f94bcf03c19fee5a07b0b6c "Trudeau: Russia ‘failing and flailing’ in Ukraine war"], AP News, 21 September 2022 ==== Denmark ==== * I admire president Zelenskyy and the Ukrainian people for their courage, and how the continue defending their country in the unprovoked and illegal war of Putin. I look forward to the meeting with Zelenskyy, where my message will be that [[Denmark|Denmarrk]] continues helping Ukraine. The West stands together in supporting the Ukrainian people. ** [[Mette Frederiksen|Mette Fredriksen]], prime minister of Denmark, [https://www.regeringen.dk/nyheder/2022/statsministeren-besoeger-praesident-zelinskyy-i-kyiv/ "Statsministeren besøger præsident Zelinskyy i Kyiv"] (in Danish; "The prime minister visits Zelenskyy in Kyiv), the Government of Denmark, 21 April 2022 ==== Estonia ==== * Putin must not win this war. ** [[Kaja Kallas]], Prime Minister of Estonia, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/videos/politics/2022/03/20/sotu-kallas-full.cnn "Estonian Prime Minister: 'Putin must not win this war'"], CNN, 20 March 2022 * There can be no way back to business as usual with [Russian President Vladimir] Putin's Russia. Our aim should not be to do business with war criminals. ** Kaja Kallas, Prime Minister of Estonia, quoted in [https://news.err.ee/1608608212/kallas-there-can-be-no-way-back-to-business-as-usual-with-putin-s-russia "Kallas: There can be no way back to business as usual with Putin's Russia"], ERR, 25 May 2022 ==== Finland ==== * With the situation going on in Ukraine, we have noticed that there is no possibility to trust Vladimir Putin and that he will do whatever he wants with no rationality whatsoever. * There has been a shift after the Russian attack, and now the majority of the members of [[Finland|Finnish]] parliament support a NATO membership, as does the [[Finns|Finnish]] population. ** Alviina Alametsä, member of the Finnish Parliament and member of the Committee on Foreign Affairs of the European Parliament, quoted in [https://www.euractiv.com/section/defence-and-security/interview/capitals-mep-finlands-mistrust-towards-russia-is-increasing/ "MEP: Finland’s mistrust towards Russia is increasing"], Euractiv, 2 May 2022 ==== France ==== * Putin rejected the diplomatic path and chose the path of war. We will take full responsibility for defending the sovereignty of our allies. ** President Emmanuel Macron, quoted in [https://www.axios.com/russia-ukraine-war-world-leaders-respond-e0b8066c-a77c-46e4-86b4-885892047716.html "World leaders denounce Russia's "hideous and barbaric" attacks on Ukraine"], Axios, 24 February 2022 ==== Germany ==== * This February 24 is a terrible day for Ukraine and a gloomy day for Europe. * It will become clear: Putin has made a serious mistake with his war. ** German Chancellor [[Olaf Scholz]], quoted in [https://www.dw.com/en/eu-and-nato-react-harshly-to-russias-ukraine-invasion/a-60895079 "EU and NATO react harshly to Russia's Ukraine invasion"], DW, 24 February 2022 * The images from Bucha are unbearable. Putin’s uninhibited violence is extinguishing innocent families and knows no boundaries. ** Annalena Baerbock, Germany’s foreign minister, quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/2022/04/04/us-ukraine-crisis-germany "Germany’s foreign minister says Russia 'must pay' for uninhibited violence"], Euronews, 4 April 2022 * Russia’s invasion of Ukraine remains a blatant breach of international law. * The killing of thousands of civilians as we have seen is a war crime for which the Russian president bears responsibility. * We feel immense grief for the victims and also, it must be said, great anger towards the Russian president and this senseless war. ** German Chancellor Olaf Scholz, quoted in [https://www.channelstv.com/2022/04/19/putin-bears-responsibility-for-war-crimes-in-ukraine-scholz/ "Putin Bears Responsibility For ‘War Crimes’ In Ukraine – Scholz"], Channels Television, 19 April 2022 ==== Italy ==== * I am beginning to think that those people are right when they say: 'It is useless to talk to him, it's just a waste of time.' * I have the impression that the horror of war with its carnage, with what they did to children and women, is completely independent of the words and phone calls that are made. * So far, Putin's goal has not been the search for peace, but the attempt to annihilate the Ukrainian resistance, occupy the country and entrust it to a friendly government. * What do we want to call Bucha's horror if not war crimes? ** Italian Prime Minister [[Mario Draghi]], quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/talking-to-putin-waste-time-says-italian-pm-mario-draghi-2022-4?r=US&IR=T "Talking to Putin is 'just a waste of time,' said Italian Prime Minister Mario Draghi"], Business Insider, 18 April 2022 * Putin was pushed by the Russian population, by his party and by his ministers to invent this special operation. * The troops were supposed to enter, reach Kyiv in a week, replace the Zelensky government with decent people and a week later come back. * The aggression against Ukraine is unjustifiable and unacceptable, [<nowiki/>[[w:Forza Italia|Forza Italia]]'s] position is clear. We will always be with the [[European Union|EU]] and Nato. * Massacres of civilians in Bucha and other localities are real war crimes. ** [[Silvio Berlusconi]], former Prime Minister, quoted in [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-63005402 "Silvio Berlusconi: Ex-PM defends Russian war on eve of Italian election"], BBC, 23 September 2022 ==== Latvia ==== * The brutal footage of attacks on Ukrainian civilians by Russian troops will be the evidence needed against Russian President Vladimir Putin and others to be held accountable for the brutal war in Ukraine at the Hague Tribunal and elsewhere. ** Prime Minister Krisjanis Karins, quoted in [https://www.baltictimes.com/putin_will_be_held_accountable_for_the_brutal_war_in_ukraine_at_the_hague_tribunal_-_karins/ "Putin will be held accountable for the brutal war in Ukraine at the Hague Tribunal - Karins"], Baltic Times, 17 March 2022 ==== Lithuania ==== * From the very beginning of the war, I [have] said that [Putin] only understands the language of strength, and he can be stopped [only] on the battlefield — not by sanctions. ** Dalia Grybauskaite, former president of Lithuania, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2022/06/29/putin-needs-to-be-stopped-in-the-battlefield-not-with-sanctions-says-ex-president-of-lithuania.html "Putin needs to be stopped in the battlefield — not with sanctions, says ex-president of Lithuania"], 29 June 2022 ==== Netherlands ==== * Putin’s regime has cast a shadow of malice, revanchism and revisionism over Europe. Ukraine, a free and democratic country, has been attacked without provocation or justification. Ukrainian cities are being bombed and besieged. Ukrainian civilians driven out, wounded and killed. It’s shocking. Terrifying. And criminal. ** Prime Minister [[Mark Rutte]], in [https://www.government.nl/documents/speeches/2022/03/09/speech-by-prime-minister-mark-rutte-at-university-sciences-po-paris "Speech by Prime Minister Mark Rutte at the university Sciences Po in Paris about the current developments in Ukraine"], 9 March 2022 ==== North Korea ==== * Today, Russia is reliably defending the dignity of the state and its fundamental interests from the challenges and threats by the US and its vassal forces. Such reality is unthinkable without your distinguished leadership and strong will. ** Kim Jong-Un, dictator, quoted in [https://www.koreaherald.com/view.php?ud=20221007000149 "N. Korean leader touts Putin's leadership against 'US threat' in birthday message"], Korea Herald, 7 October 2022 ==== Norway ==== * Russia has started the invasion of Ukraine. A dark day in Europe, and for the people in Ukraine. A united international reaction to Putin's breach of international law is needed. ** [[Erna Solberg]], former Prime Minister of Norway, quoted in Norwegian in [https://www.dagsavisen.no/nyheter/innenriks/2022/02/24/store-norge-fordommer-pa-det-sterkeste-russlands-militaere-angrep-pa-ukraina/ "Støre: Norge fordømmer på det sterkeste Russlands militære angrep på Ukraina"], in English: "(Prime Minister) Støre: Norway strongly condemns the Russian military attack on Ukraine", Dagsavisen, 24 February 2022 ==== Poland ==== * We must immediately respond to Russia’s criminal aggression on Ukraine. Europe and the free world have to stop Putin. Today’s European Council should approve fiercest possible sanctions. Our support for Ukraine must be real. ** Polish Prime Minister [[Mateusz Morawiecki]], quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/world-reaction-putin-orders-military-operation-in-ukraine "World reacts to Russia’s attack on Ukraine"], Al Jazeera, 24 February 2022 ==== Spain ==== * Putin’s invasion of Ukraine is a clear violation of international law, a direct attack on our shared values. ** [[w:Pedro Sánchez|Pedro Sánchez]], president of Spain, in [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2022/06/28/remarks-by-president-biden-and-president-pedro-sanchez-of-the-kingdom-of-spain-before-bilateral-meeting-madrid-spain/ "Remarks by President Biden and President Pedro Sánchez of the Kingdom of Spain Before Bilateral Meeting"], The White House (USA), 28 June 2022 ==== Sweden ==== * At the same time as Putin is driving Russia into isolation, we are strengthening Europe, our international cooperation and our safety. * Sweden is not [[Neutrality|neutral]] if a European country is attacked or is in a crisis. ** Swedish Prime Minister [[Magdalena Andersson]], quoted in [https://www.nrk.no/nyheter/sveriges-statsminister_-_-vi-er-ikke-noytrale-1.15911367 "Sveriges statsminister: – Vi er ikke nøytrale"] (in Norwegian), NRK, 28 March 2022 ==== UK ==== * I am driven to conclude that Putin was always determined to attack his neighbour, no matter what we did. * Now we see him for what he is - a bloodstained aggressor, who believes in imperial conquest. ** UK Prime Minister [[Boris Johnson]], quoted in [https://www.lbc.co.uk/world-news/russia-hideous-barbaric-putin-boris-ukraine/ "Putin is a 'bloodstained aggressor,' says PM as he unveils new sanctions on Russia"], LBC, 24 February 2022 * The reality is that Vladimir Putin has already crossed the red line into barbarism. ** UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, quoted in [https://www.timesofisrael.com/liveblog_entry/uks-johnson-says-putin-crossed-line-into-barbarism/ "UK’s Johnson says Putin crossed line ‘into barbarism’"], The Times of Israel, 24 March 2022 * Through their invasion of Ukraine, Putin, his inner circle and generals are now mirroring the [[fascism]] and tyranny of [[World War II|70 years ago]], repeating the errors of last century’s totalitarian regimes. ** UK Defence secretary Ben Wallace, quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2022/may/08/putins-fascism-and-tyranny-equal-to-nazis-ben-wallace-says "Putin’s ‘fascism and tyranny’ equal to Nazis, Ben Wallace says"], The Guardian, 9 May 2022 * How can you deal with a crocodile when it's in the middle of eating your left leg? The guy's completely not to be trusted. ** UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/vladimir-putin-crocodile-who-cannot-trusted-boris-johnson-1710772 "Vladimir Putin a 'Crocodile' Who Cannot Be Trusted—Boris Johnson"], Newsweek, 27 May 2022 * If we let Putin get away with it and just annex, conquer sizable parts of a free, independent, sovereign country, which is what he is poised to do, if not the whole thing, then the consequences for the world are absolutely catastrophic. * If you want a perfect example of toxic masculinity, it’s what he is doing in Ukraine. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/world/2022/06/29/boris-johnson-ukraine-vladimir-putin-woman/7764976001/ "Boris Johnson says there'd be no war in Ukraine if Vladimir Putin 'were a woman'"], USA Today, 29. juni 2022 ==== United States of America ==== * President Putin has chosen a premeditated war that will bring a catastrophic loss of life and human suffering. Russia alone is responsible for the death and destruction this attack will bring, and the United States and its allies and partners will respond in a united and decisive way. The world will hold Russia accountable. ** US President [[Joe Biden]], quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2022/2/24/world-reaction-putin-orders-military-operation-in-ukraine "World reacts to Russia’s attack on Ukraine"], Al Jazeera, 24 February 2022 * He thought he could roll into Ukraine and the world would roll over. Instead, he met a wall of strength he could never anticipated or imagined: he met Ukrainian people. ** US President [[Joe Biden]], quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/europe/top-wrap-1-ukraines-besieged-cities-brace-more-russian-attacks-2022-03-02/ "Russian advances on Ukrainian cities stall"], Reuters, 2 March 2022 * I think he is a war criminal. * We saw reports that Russian forces were holding hundreds of doctors and patients hostage in the largest hospital in Mariupol. These are atrocities. They're an outrage to the world. And the world is united in our support for Ukraine and our determination to make Putin pay a very heavy price. * Putin is inflicting appalling, appalling devastation and horror on Ukraine, bombing apartment buildings, maternity wards, hospitals. ** US President [[Joe Biden]], quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/03/16/politics/biden-calls-putin-a-war-criminal/index.html "Biden on Putin: 'I think he is a war criminal'"], CNN, 16 March 2022 * This is disgusting. * It has had the effect of him moving his forces into a wood chipper. ** US Defense Secretary [[Lloyd Austin]] in an interview with CBS, [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/lloyd-austin-defense-secretary-transcript-face-the-nation-03-20-2022/ "Transcript: Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin on 'Face the Nation', March 20, 2022"] ==== Vatican ==== * How much blood must still flow for us to realize that war is never a solution, only destruction? In the name of God and in the name of the sense of humanity that dwells in every heart, I renew my call for an immediate ceasefire. * My appeal is addressed first and foremost to the President of the Russian Federation, imploring him to stop this spiral of violence and death, also for the sake of his own people. ** [[Pope Francis]], quoted in [https://newsbook.com.mt/en/pope-urges-putin-to-end-spiral-of-violence-and-death/ "Pope Francis urges Putin to end ‘spiral of violence and death’"], Newsbook, 2 October 2022 ==== NATO ==== * President Putin has made a big mistake and that is to launch a war against an independent sovereign nation. He has underestimated the strength of the Ukrainian people, the bravery of the Ukrainian people and their armed forces ** General Secretary [[Jens Stoltenberg]], quoted in [https://www.moneycontrol.com/news/business/vladimir-putin-made-big-mistake-invading-ukraine-nato-chief-jens-stoltenberg-8269231.html "Vladimir Putin made 'big mistake' invading Ukraine: NATO chief Jens Stoltenberg"], Money Control, 24 March 2022 * President Putin thought he could crush the Ukrainian people and armed forces. He thought he could divide our democratic nations and he thought he could dictate what others do. President Putin was wrong. * Winter is coming, and it will be hard. What we see now is a grinding war of attrition. This is a battle of wills and a battle of logistics. Therefore, we must sustain our support for Ukraine for the long term, so that Ukraine prevails as a sovereign independent nation. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jens-stoltenberg-nato-ukraine-weapons-russia-war-crimea-1736097 "NATO Chief Urges More Weapons for Ukraine—'Winter Is Coming'"], Newsweek, 23 August 2022 ==== United Nations ==== * President Putin, in the name of humanity, bring your troops back to Russia. In the name of humanity, do not allow to start in Europe what could be the worst war since the beginning of the [[21st century|century]], with consequences not only devastating for Ukraine, not only tragic for the Russian Federation, but with an impact we cannot even foresee in relation to their consequence for the global economy in the moment when we are emerging from [[COVID-19 pandemic|COVID-19]]. ** UN Secretary General [[António Guterres|Antonio Guterres]], quoted in [https://www.jpost.com/international/article-698450 "Guterres to Putin: ‘In the name of humanity, bring your troops back to Russia’"], Jerusalem Post, 24 February 2022 ==== International ==== * The International Judo Federation announces that Mr. Vladimir Putin and Mr. Arkady Rotenberg have been removed from all positions held in the International Judo Federation. ** [https://www.ijf.org/news/show/IJF-announcement-06032022 Official announcement of the International Judo Federation], 6 March 2022 ==== Russia ==== * Sometimes, Putin even jokes about it, asking if the exact time when the war is to be unleashed has been announced. ** Putin’s press secretary [[Dmitry Peskov]], quoted in the Russian news agency Tass: [https://tass.com/politics/1403663 "Laughing it up over West’s media hype: Putin jokes about ‘Russian plans to invade Ukraine’"], 15 February 2022 * We - Russia - want to be a nation of peace. Alas, few people would call us that now. But let's at least not become a nation of frightened silent people. Of cowards who pretend not to notice the aggressive war against Ukraine unleashed by our obviously insane czar. I cannot, do not want and will not remain silent watching how pseudo-historical nonsense about the events of 100 years ago has become an excuse for Russians to kill Ukrainians, and for Ukrainians to kill Russians while defending themselves.It's the third decade of the 21st century, and we are watching news about people burning down in tanks and bombed houses. We are watching real threats to start a nuclear war on our TVs. I am from the USSR myself. I was born there. And the main phrase from there - from my childhood - was "fight for peace." I call on everyone to take to the streets and fight for peace. * Putin is not Russia. And if there is anything in Russia right now that you can be most proud of, it is those 6824 people who were detained because - without any call - they took to the streets with placards saying "No War". ** [[Alexei Navalny|Alexey Navalny]] on [https://twitter.com/navalny/status/1498948991228293120 Twitter] (2 March 2022) * The invasion of Ukraine is suicide for Putin. ** [https://www.france24.com/en/tv-shows/the-interview/20220302-the-invasion-of-ukraine-is-suicide-for-putin-says-kremlin-critic-mikhail-khodorkovsky "'The invasion of Ukraine is suicide for Putin,' says Kremlin critic Mikhail Khodorkovsky"], France24, 2 March 2022 * What is currently happening in Ukraine is a crime. Russia is a country-aggressor. All responsibility for this aggression lies on the conscience of one person: Vladimir Putin. ** [[Marina Ovsyannikova]], former producer in the Russian TV channel Rossiya 1, quoted in [https://www.occrp.org/en/daily/16085-russian-police-releases-journalist-who-defied-putin-s-propaganda "Russian Police Release Journalist Who Defied Putin’s Propaganda"], OCCRP - Organized Crime and Corruption Reporting Project, March 17 2022 * He can hang on for some time, but few weeks, months, down the road, many more people inside the system will begin questioning what he's doing, ordinary Russians will express discontent with deteriorating economic situation, huge losses in the war. This is something Putin never experienced. ** Vladimir Milov, former Russian deputy energy minister, quoted in [https://www.businessinsider.com/ex-russian-official-putin-could-soon-lose-grasp-on-power-2022-4 "A former Russian official now working with an opposition leader says Putin could lose his grasp on power in a few months"], Business Insider, 2 April 2022 * For twenty years of my diplomatic career I have seen different turns of our foreign policy, but never have I been so ashamed of my country as on February 24. The aggressive war unleashed by Putin … is not only a crime against the Ukrainian people, but also, perhaps, the most serious crime against the people of Russia, with a bold letter Z crossing out all hopes and prospects for a prosperous free society in our country. ** [[Boris Bondarev]], former Russian senior diplomat, quoted in [https://www.politico.eu/article/top-russian-diplomat-to-un-resigns-over-aggressive-ukraine-war/ "Top Russian diplomat to UN resigns over Ukraine war"], Politico, 23 May 2022 * Russia has never attacked anyone. ** Christian Russian-Orthodox patriarch [[Patriarch Kirill of Moscow | Kirill]], quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/my-europe/2022/06/03/not-acceptable-xavier-bettel-lashes-out-at-viktor-orban-over-kirill-s-removal-from-eu-sanc "‘Not acceptable’: Xavier Bettel lashes out at Viktor Orbán over Kirill's removal from EU sanctions"], Euro News, 3 June 2022 * There is a point where both liberal groups of people and pro-war groups of people can have the same goal. The goal can be for Putin to resign. * The Russian army is being destroyed right now. So, we lose people, we lose weapons and we'll lose our ability to defend. * Even Russian propaganda cannot hide it, that the Russian army is being defeated in Ukraine. ** Dmitry Palyuga, politician in Saint Petersburg, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/16/europe/russia-putin-local-councilors-intl/index.html "Local politicians team up to challenge Russian President Vladimir Putin"], CNN, September 16 2022 * Putin’s image is tarnished. The next thing which is going to happen in Russian politics within the next like several months, maybe up to half a year, is the elites will start looking for a successor. ** Abbas Gallyamov, former speechwriter for Putin, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/former-kremlin-aide-abbas-gallyamov-says-russian-president-vladimir-putin-could-be-ousted-within-months "Former Kremlin Aide Says Putin Ouster Could Be Right Around the Corner"], The Daily Beast, 15 September 2022 ==== Ukraine ==== * When Russia was preparing the invasion, Putin was not anticipating Ukrainians to defend their country with such determination. Not just a few, but the entire nation. * The invasion was no surprise to me. But the brutality was. What the Russian soldiers are doing to the civilians is more than I can comprehend. The [[bombs]] they’re dropping on apartment buildings. The missile systems they’re using to shell residential areas. Those are war crimes. * We don’t have as many soldiers as Russia. We don’t have as much equipment or as many missiles. But we have something they don’t have: and that is people who treasure their freedom and are ready to fight for it. ** [[Volodymyr Zelenskyy|Volodymyr Zelensky]], President of Ukraine, quoted in [https://www.zeit.de/politik/ausland/2022-03/wolodymyr-selenskyj-ukraine-russia-war-interview-english ""With Ukraine at Your Side, You Feel Safe"], Zeit, 9. mars 2022 === 2023 === ==== Armenia ==== * If Putin comes to Armenia, he should be arrested. ** Gagik Melkonyan, deputy of the Armenian National Assembly, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/armenia-warns-vladimir-putin-he-will-be-arrested-for-russian-war-crimes-if-he-visits "Russian Ally Warns Putin: Don’t Visit—or You’ll Get Arrested"], Daily Beast, 29 March 2023 ==== Austria ==== * Austria is a party to the Rome Statute. This means that Austria, like all other contracting parties, is obliged to cooperate with the ICC: arrest warrants issued by the Court must be executed and persons wanted by the Court must be arrested. ** Ministry of Foreign Affairs of Austria, quoted in [https://news.yahoo.com/austria-arrest-putin-bring-him-185528932.html "Austria to arrest Putin and bring him to Hague if he decides to visit"], Yahoo News, 24 March 2023 ==== Germany ==== * Germany is then obliged to arrest President Putin and hand him over to the ICC [International Court of Justice] if he enters German territory. ** Marco Buschmann, Minister of Justice, quoted in [https://www.spiegel.de/politik/marco-buschmann-deutschland-ist-verpflichtet-putin-zu-inhaftieren-a-d791963e-6c1f-4367-8388-26e1d22ef538 "»Deutschland ist verpflichtet, Putin zu inhaftieren«"], Der Spiegel, 19 March 2023 ==== North Korea ==== * North Korea supports all Putin's decisions. ** Kim Jong-Un, supreme leader of North Korea, quoted in [https://abcnews.go.com/International/north-koreas-kim-jong-arrives-meeting-russian-president/story?id=103142729 "Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin meet for hours in 'fight against imperialism'"], ABC News, 13 September 2023 ==== South Africa ==== * We have no option not to arrest Putin. If he comes here, we will be forced to detain him. ** A government official, said in connection with a BRICS meeting planned for August 2023, quoted in [https://www.themoscowtimes.com/2023/05/01/south-africa-warns-putin-could-face-arrest-while-attending-brics-summit-a80994 "South Africa Warns Putin Could Face Arrest While Attending BRICS Summit"], Moscow Times, 1 May 2023 * I must highlight, for the sake of transparency, that South Africa has obvious problems with executing a request to arrest and surrender President Putin. Russia has made it clear that arresting its sitting president would be a declaration of war. ** [[Cyril Ramaphosa]], President of South Africa, quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/south-africa-ramaphosa-putin-arrest-warrant-c62b4be0fd177d827214199cb60db98f South African leader says that arresting Putin if he comes to Johannesburg next month would be ‘war’], Associated Press, 18 July 2023 ==== USA ==== * President Putin spent two decades trying to build Russia's military into a modern force. Kremlin often claimed they had the second strongest military in the world. And many believed it. Today, many see Russia's military as the second strongest in Ukraine. Its equipment, technology, leadership, troops, strategy, tactics and morale, a case study in failure. ** [[Antony Blinken]], US Secretary of State, quoted in [https://www.dagbladet.no/video/latterliggjor-russland/4agSpjFi "Latterliggjør Russland"], Dagbladet (Norway), 5 June 2023 *Vladimir Putin, too, is a master at mirroring, and has been since the early days of his career in politics. Throughout Russia's illegal invasion and occupation of Ukraine, Putin would accuse the Ukrainian government of the precise crimes he was busily committing, or considering committing, himself. **[[Naomi Klein]] ''Doppelganger: A Trip into the Mirror World'' (2023) * I grew up in the [[1980s]] in the [[United Kingdom|UK]], and we had the [[Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament]], all that. People were very, very aware. When I was 13, me and my friends, we were convinced we would die in a [[nuclear holocaust]]… What I remember from the '80s is that the [[fear]] of [[nuclear war]] had receded in favor of fear of [[Environmental degradation|environmental destruction]]. It was almost like we couldn't sustain the fear of it for that long. We have a complicated relationship with our fear. And yes, Putin has been using that doomsday threat and that fear to saber-rattle. It's extremely unnerving. ** [[Christopher Nolan]], as quoted in [https://www.wired.com/story/christopher-nolan-oppenheimer-ai-apocalypse/ How Christopher Nolan Learned to Stop Worrying and Love AI], by Maria Streshinsky, 20 June 2023, Wired.com * What Putin is doing in Ukraine is not just reckless, not just a war of choice, not just an invasion in a class of its own for overreach, mendacity, immorality and incompetence, all wrapped in a farrago of lies. What he is doing is evil. ** [[Thomas Friedman|Thomas L. Friedman]], New York Times' foreign affairs Opinion columnist, quoted in [https://www.nytimes.com/2023/12/28/opinion/2023-journalism-writing-sentences.html "The Best Sentences of 2023"], [[New York Times]], 28 December 2023 ==== Russia ==== * Vladimir Putin became intimidated by Ukraine choosing the path to freedom and democracy. That's why the Russian army bombs maternity wards, schools, hospitals, rapes and kills civilians and throws their bodies in mass graves. Putin and everyone who supports him are dead inside and they must be defeated. * Vladimir Vladimorovich: The Kremlin walls became your prison walls. You have already lost. You know it. That's why you are so afraid. You lost in spirit. The world is on Ukraine's side. The world is with the people of Ukraine. ** [[Nadezhda Tolokonnikova|Nadya Tolokonnikova]], founding member of Pussy Riot, speaking at [[w:TED|TED]]: [https://www.ted.com/talks/nadya_tolokonnikova_pussy_riot_s_powerful_message_to_vladimir_putin/c "Pussy Riot's powerful message to Vladimir Putin"], April 2023 * Our commander in chief is not going to win this war at all. * Whatever victories our army achieves in this war, we are going to lose it with this kind of approach of the country's leadership. * He's never seen a tank except in a parade, what's wrong with his head? He's really acting not even like an old man, but like a child. ** [[Igor Girkin]], quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/putin-girkin-stelkov-ukraine-war-win-1808087 "Putin Is 'Not Going To Win This War,' Warns Igor Girkin"], ''Newsweek'' (21 June 2023). * For 23 years, the country was led by a lowlife who managed to ‘blow dust in the eyes’ of a significant part of the population. Now he is the last island of legitimacy and stability of the state. [...] But the country will not be able to withstand another six years of this cowardly bum in power. ** [[Igor Girkin]] on Telegram (18 July 2023), quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2023/07/21/europe/igor-girkin-arrest-russia-intl/index.html "Pro-war Russian blogger who called Putin a ‘lowlife’ arrested in Moscow], CNN (21 July 2023). ==== Ukraine ==== * '''We are not ready to give our freedom to this f[***]ing terrorist, Putin. That’s it. That’s why we are fighting.''' ** President Volodymyr Zelensky, on the American TV channel NBC in the program "Meet the press" (5 November 2023) ==== Organisations ==== ===== NATO ===== * President Putin's war of aggression against Ukraine is the biggest security crisis in Europe since the [[World War II|Second World War]]. It is not only a direct threat to the existence of Ukraine as a free and independent country, but to the entire rules-based international order. Putin must not win. If he does, it will show that aggression works and that force is rewarded. This would be dangerous for our own security, and for the whole world.<br>This war did not start in 2022, it started in 2014, when Russia illegally annexed Crimea and entered eastern Ukraine. Since then, NATO Allies have trained tens of thousands of Ukrainian soldiers and supported its defence and security sector. NATO will continue to stand by Ukraine for as long as it takes. ** [[Jens Stoltenberg]], General Secretary of NATO, in [https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/opinions_212795.htm The Secretary General’s Annual Report 2022], 21 March 2023 * President Putin wanted to slam NATO’s door shut. Today, we show the world that he failed. That aggression and intimidation do not work. Instead of less NATO, he has achieved the opposite. More NATO. And our door remains firmly open. ** Jens Stoltenberg, welcoming Finland as it joins NATO, [https://www.nato.int/cps/en/natohq/opinions_213464.htm "Press Statement by NATO Secretary General Jens Stoltenberg with the President of Finland, Sauli Niinistö"] 4 April 2023 ===== Amnesty International ===== * The people of Ukraine have suffered unimaginable horror during this war of aggression over the last 12 months. Let us be clear: the hands of Vladimir Putin and his armed forces are stained with blood. Survivors deserve justice and reparations for all they have endured. ** Agnès Callamard, Secretary General of Amnesty International, in [https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2022/03/latest-news-on-russias-war-on-ukraine/ "Ukraine: one year on a humanitarian crisis continues"], Amnesty International, retrieved 18 July 2023 ===== International Criminal Court ===== * Today, the Pre-Trial Chamber has issued arrest warrants in relation to the following two individuals: :- Mr Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Federation; and :- Ms [[w:Maria_Lvova-Belova|Maria Lvova-Belova]], Commissioner for Children’s Rights in the Office of the President of the Russian Federation. * On the basis of evidence collected and analysed by my Office pursuant to its independent investigations, the Pre-Trial Chamber has confirmed that there are reasonable grounds to believe that President Putin and Ms Lvova-Belova bear criminal responsibility for the unlawful deportation and transfer of Ukrainian children from occupied areas of Ukraine to the Russian Federation, contrary to article 8(2)(a)(vii) and article 8(2)(b)(viii) of the Rome Statute. :* [https://www.icc-cpi.int/news/statement-prosecutor-karim-khan-kc-issuance-arrest-warrants-against-president-vladimir-putin "Statement by Prosecutor Karim A. A. Khan KC on the issuance of arrest warrants against President Vladimir Putin and Ms Maria Lvova-Belova"], Office of the Prosecutor, International Court, 18 March 2023 === 2024 === * Russian liberal reformers in the 1990s laid the groundwork for the rise of a ruler like Putin by using despotic means to achieve the liberal goal of privatizing the economy rather than seeking to create a new political system that would institutionalize conflicts, [St. Petersburg sociologist] Elena Chernova says. ** {{w|Paul A. Goble}}, [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2024/06/putin-arose-because-russian-reformers.html "Putin Arose Because Russian Reformers of 1990s Focused on Privatizing Economy Rather than on Creating a New Political System, Chernova Says"], ''Window on Eurasia'' (June 17, 2024) *[Putin] is 100, more than 100% rational person. When he negotiates, when he starts explaining, when he makes an offer, saying "yes" or "no", he is super, super rational. As they say in Hungarian, "cold-blooded." You know, cold-blooded, reserved. You know, very careful, punctual, prepared. You know, disciplined. So negotiating and being ready for them is a real challenge if you want to maintain an equal intellectual and political level with him. ** [[Viktor Orbán]], [https://weltwoche.ch/daily/video/viktor-orban-in-moskau-der-ungarn-premier-ueber-putin-frieden-und-seine-historische-woche/ Viktor Orbán in Moskau: Das erste Interview nach dem Putin-Gipfel] (2024) === 2026 === *Vladimir Putin should resign and be put on trial as a war criminal. His personalised, corrupt system is doomed to collapse, as we’re seeing now with the [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|war in Ukraine]] and elsewhere. **pro-Kremlin blogger Ilya Remeslo quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/europe/putin-llya-remeslo-arrested-blogger-b2941860.html "Russian blogger who unexpectedly denounced Putin ‘has been put in psychiatric facility’"], ''Independent'' (19 March 2026) ==See Also== * [[Boris Yeltsin]] * [[Mikhail Gorbachev]] * [[Russia]] * [[Soviet Union]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wikinews|Vladmir Putin}} {{wikisource author}} {{commons|Vladimir Putin}} * [http://eng.kremlin.ru/ The official site of the President of the Russian Federation] * [http://www.uncommonknowledge.org/800/826.html Transcript of an American TV discussion held in November 2003; discusses whether Putin is a democrat or a dictator] * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/415124.stm BBC - Vladimir Putin: Spy turned politician] * [http://putinru.com/ PutinRu.com - Vladimir Putin - President of Russian Federation] * [http://www.ocnus.net/artman/publish/article_16286.shtml Atlantic Monthly- The Accidental Autocrat] {{DEFAULTSORT:Putin, Vladimir}} [[Category:Presidents of Russia]] [[Category:Prime Ministers of Russia]] [[Category:People from St. Petersburg]] [[Category:Eastern Orthodox Christians]] [[Category:1952 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Conservatives]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Judoka]] [[Category:Mixed martial artists]] [[Category:Communist Party of the Soviet Union members]] [[Category:Secret agents]] [[Category:Former Marxists]] [[Category:Businesspeople from Russia]] [[Category:Critics of the European Union]] [[Category:Politicians from Russia]] [[Category:People indicted for war crimes]] 6xqbqo7ygpd4z2s0trtwn8frogtey3s 4 4250 3954125 3953942 2026-06-18T12:13:41Z MathXplore 3050778 /* New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 */ new topic ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3954125 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-8, 03:18 == * {{Vandal|Mehsi-tourism}} * {{Vandal|~2026-33757-37}} Abusing multiple accounts & removed CSD tag at [[Mirza Halim Shah Dargah]] (no quotes). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 8 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) rokou2v6xnm4bdpk0pfw36s50tnojef 3954128 3954125 2026-06-18T12:16:57Z MathXplore 3050778 /* New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 */ new topic ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3954128 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-8, 03:18 == * {{Vandal|Mehsi-tourism}} * {{Vandal|~2026-33757-37}} Abusing multiple accounts & removed CSD tag at [[Mirza Halim Shah Dargah]] (no quotes). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 8 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 77x94d0a8zuxbokgzcsbf5z6m7e9tdd 3954130 3954128 2026-06-18T12:20:10Z UDScott 4304 /* New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 */ Done 3954130 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-8, 03:18 == * {{Vandal|Mehsi-tourism}} * {{Vandal|~2026-33757-37}} Abusing multiple accounts & removed CSD tag at [[Mirza Halim Shah Dargah]] (no quotes). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 8 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 14m5clvhkxkr46k5bf191jkbn3dj2n9 3954145 3954130 2026-06-18T13:32:35Z Koavf 6765 /* New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 */ Reply 3954145 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-8, 03:18 == * {{Vandal|Mehsi-tourism}} * {{Vandal|~2026-33757-37}} Abusing multiple accounts & removed CSD tag at [[Mirza Halim Shah Dargah]] (no quotes). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 8 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 89grqapeulxrkb1x4hg1dhpe2uoxdwk 3954159 3954145 2026-06-18T15:10:48Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 1 thread (older than 10 days) to [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/16]] 3954159 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) jwzutdgp9x7wkfqft4mn520gr1hirsx 3954314 3954159 2026-06-18T22:17:52Z MathXplore 3050778 /* New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 */ new topic ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3954314 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|Bettyorlov26}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:17, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 0i6lpb3dxvveujo7f5xfgmbv2e57hlj 3954315 3954314 2026-06-18T22:21:44Z MathXplore 3050778 /* New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 */ new topic ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3954315 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|Bettyorlov26}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:17, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35618-87}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:21, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 1ugrsj8b9n067qexd0kscnhfvmh0kzx 3954374 3954315 2026-06-19T10:34:24Z PieWriter 3267587 /* New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 2 */ Marked as done - with [[User:AramilFeraxa/ReportSolver|ReportSolver]] 3954374 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|Bettyorlov26}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:17, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35618-87}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:21, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:34, 19 June 2026 (UTC) 5e3ep86ywb45x4izyfios4myhigz4ol 3954375 3954374 2026-06-19T10:35:35Z PieWriter 3267587 /* New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 */ Marked as done - with [[User:AramilFeraxa/ReportSolver|ReportSolver]] 3954375 wikitext text/x-wiki {{/header}} {{User:MABot/config |archive = Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress/Archive/%(counter)d |algo = old(10d) |counter = 16 |maxarchivesize = 300K |minthreadsleft = 2 |archiveheader = 1 |minthreadstoarchive = 1 }} <!-- Please add a new report below this line, thanks! --> == New report 2026-06-10, 11:19 == * {{Vandal|Mikhailsims}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:06, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-10, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|AnuraagRath}} [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 10 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-11, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|Leminho567}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 11 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:44, 11 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 01:50 == * {{Vandal|PrincessAesthetic1831}} cross-wiki abuse, [[:w:WP:AB]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:29, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-13, 02:29 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 13 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 13 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 02:21 == * {{Vandal|Daveenna43}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Vasas90]] (created page [[Thathanine Thongchay]], [[:w:simple:Thathanine Thongchay]], [https://simple.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log&logid=3359217]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:08, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:20, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 08:27 == * {{Vandal|Martha.wilson9}} Abusing multiple accounts ([[Special:Contributions/Mikhailsims]]) & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 14 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 14 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-14, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|Pragmaticwolf2026}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:18, 14 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:48, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-15, 12:39 == * {{vandal|~2026-35173-92}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 12:39, 15 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. I also blocked the underlying /16 range as well. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:51, 15 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:11 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35094-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 16 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:57, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-16, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|ShaneWarne23}} Spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Astroma09]] ([https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=astroma.co]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:44, 16 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by M7. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:37, 16 June 2026 (UTC) == account Rferf as commercial vandal == * {{Vandal|User:Rferf}} Sole contribution is nonsense with two links to some commercial Web site. [[User:Gramorama|Gramorama]] ([[User talk:Gramorama|talk]]) 05:26, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} {{ping| Gramorama}} User’s last edit was in 2021, a block is currently not needed. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 07:17, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:32 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35484-39}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:06, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Yanaburns4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 17 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:07, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35276-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:21, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-17, 13:18 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35184-15}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 17 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:25, 17 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|ISSRelocations}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 12:15 == * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications}} * {{Vandal|Galaxypublications01}} Abusing multiple accounts & Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:16, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:32, 18 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|Bettyorlov26}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:17, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} for 2 weeks. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:35, 19 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-18, 22:17 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35618-87}} [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Jinnifer]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:21, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:34, 19 June 2026 (UTC) 381rdqltzc2okkd7mi54zhvcjdtwa20 0 4620 3954333 3953630 2026-06-19T00:05:52Z Kalki 71 /* 2020 */ add quote and image 3954333 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Official portrait of Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|When we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: ''Yes, we can.'']] '''[[w:Barack Obama|Barack Hussein Obama II]]''' (born [[August 4]], [[1961]]) is an American [[w:politician|politician]] who served as the [[w:List of presidents of the United States|44th]] [[w:President of the United States|president]] of the [[United States|United States of America]] from 2009 to 2017. Born in Hawaii, the son of a Kenyan father and a mother from Kansas, he won the [[w:United States presidential election, 2008|2008 presidential election]] and was [[w:United States presidential election, 2012|re-elected president]] in November 2012. A member of the [[Democratic Party (United States)|U.S. Democratic Party]], he was the first African American president. Before becoming president, he [[w:Illinois Senate career of Barack Obama|represented the 13th district for three terms]] in the [[w:Illinois Senate|Illinois Senate]] from 1997 to 2004 and served as United States senator from Illinois between January 4, 2005 and November 16, 2008. While president, he was the recipient of the 2009 [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]]. :'''''See also his books:''''' ::'''''[[Dreams from My Father]] (1995)''''' ::'''''[[The Audacity of Hope]] (2006)''''' ::'''''[[Barack_Obama#A_Promised_Land_(2020)|A Promised Land]] (2020)''''' == Quotes == [[File:President Barack Obama.jpg|thumb|Hopefully, more and more people will begin to feel their story is somehow part of this larger story of how we're going to reshape America in a way that is less mean-spirited and more generous.]] [[File:Obama in Altoona PA.jpg|thumb|I feel good when I'm engaged in what I think are the core issues of the society, and those core issues to me are what's happening to poor folks in this society.]] === 1980s === * In regard to homosexuality, I must say that I believe this is an attempt to remove oneself from the present, a refusal perhaps to perpetuate the endless farce of earthly life. You see, I make love to men daily, but in the imagination. My mind is androgynous to a great extent and I hope to make it more so until I can think in terms of people, not women as opposed to men. But, in returning to the body, I see that I have been made a man, and physically in life, I choose to accept that contingency. ** November 1982, reported in 2023 by several media. Jon Levine. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20230907013601/https://nypost.com/2023/08/12/barack-obama-told-ex-i-make-love-to-men-daily-but-in-the-imagination/ Barack Obama told ex, 'I make love to men daily, but in the imagination,' letter shows]" (archived), ''New York Post'', 12 August 2023. David Millward. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20230820090531/https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2023/08/13/barack-obama-letter-make-love-to-men-imagination-redacted/ Obama revealed he thought about 'making love to men daily' in unearthed letter]" (archived), ''The Telegraph'', 13 August 2023. Vertika Kanaujia. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20230825030541/https://www.hindustantimes.com/world-news/i-make-love-to-men-daily-but-when-barack-obama-shared-his-androgynous-feelings-in-1982-love-letters-101691897862760.html 'I make love to men daily, but…', When Barack Obama shared his 'androgynous' feelings in 1982 love letters]" (archived), hindustantimes.com, 13 August 2023. Meredith Clark. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20230906205429/https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/obama-gay-love-letter-men-b2406683.html Obama's love letters from 1982 resurface: 'I make love to men daily, but in the imagination']" (archived), ''The Independent'', 6 September 2023. * I'm deeply saddened by a sense that whites are still superior in this country, in some sense, that if you sit at a restaurant, they're served before a Kenyan is served. If you go through customs, a white person is going to follow orders that "all people are to be treated the same". .. ** Said during a visit to Kenya in the late 1980s or early 1990s, recorded in the 20-minute documentary "A Journey In Black And White" by WeSearchr, as reported and quoted in [http://dailycaller.com/2016/09/19/documentary-of-young-obamas-visit-to-kenya-is-set-to-be-released/ "Documentary Of Young Obama’s Visit To Kenya Is Set To Be Released"] by Alex Pfeiffer, ''The Daily Caller'' (19 September 2016) === 1990s === ; 1990 * Hopefully, more and more people will begin to feel their story is somehow part of this larger story of how we're going to reshape America in a way that is less mean-spirited and more generous. ** on sexism and [[racism]], in {{citation | date = 1990-05-03 | title = Harvard Student Tackles Racism At Core | newspaper = Illinois Daily Herald | first = Allison J. | last = Pugh | section = Section 3, Page 2 }} ** quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-03-18 | title = Rachel Maddow Asks Why Both Presidents George Bush ‘Hate America’ Like Barack Obama | first = Tommy | last = Christopher | periodical = Mediaite | url = http://www.mediaite.com/tv/rachel-maddow-asks-why-both-presidents-george-bush-hate-america-like-barack-obama/ | accessdate = 2012-03-20 }} * I'm not interested in the suburbs. The suburbs bore me. And I'm not interested in isolating myself. I feel good when I'm engaged in what I think are the core issues of the society, and those core issues to me are what's happening to poor folks in this society. ** Informing the interviewer that he wasn't interested in merely being a financial success and moving to the suburbs, in "No Cushy Post for this Pioneer Harvard Law Review Chief Plans to Work in Inner City", by Allison J Pugh in ''The Akron Beacon-Journal'' (19 April 1990) * It's crucial that people don't see my election as somehow a symbol of progress in the broader sense, that we don't sort of point to (me) any more than you point to a [[Bill Cosby]] or a [[Michael Jordan]] and say, "Well, things are hunky-dory." There's certainly racism here. Professors may treat black students differently, sometimes by being, sort of, more dismissive, sometimes by being more, sort of, careful because they think, you know, they think that somehow we can't cope in the classroom. ** On his election to be the first black president of the ''Harvard Law Review'', as quoted in "No Cushy Post for this Pioneer Harvard Law Review Chief Plans to Work in Inner City", by Allison J Pugh in ''The Akron Beacon-Journal'' (19 April 1990) ;1991 * [Americans have] a continuing normative commitment to the ideals of individual freedom and mobility, values that extend far beyond the issue of race in the American mind. The depth of this commitment may be summarily dismissed as the unfounded optimism of the average American—'''I may not be [[Donald Trump]] now, but just you wait; if I don't make it, my children will.''' ** "Race and Rights Rhetoric", a law school paper, as quoted in ''Rising Star: The Making of Barack Obama'' (2017) by David Garrow, and reported in [https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/young-obama-said-the-american-dream-is-to-be-donald-trump "Young Obama Said the American Dream Is to Be Donald Trump", ''Vice'' (12 May 2017)] ; 1996 * [[Bob Dole]] seems to me to be a classic example of somebody who had no reason to run. You're 73 years old, you're already the third-most-powerful man in the country. So why? He seems to be drawn by some psychological compulsion. And it's too bad because in a lot of ways, he's an admirable person. There's a great story there. And [[Bill Clinton]]? Well, his campaign's fascinating to a student of politics. It's disturbing to someone who cares about certain issues. But politically, it seems to be working. ** As quoted in "A Newcomer to the Business of Politics has Seen Enough to Reach Some Conclusions About Restoring Voters' Trust", by Joe Frolik, in ''[[w:The Plain Dealer (newspaper)|The Plain Dealer]]'' (3 August 1996) * You got these $10,000-a-plate dinners and Golden Circles Clubs. I think when the average voter looks at that, they rightly feel they're locked out of the process. They can't attend a $10,000 breakfast and they know that those who can are going to get the kind of access they can't imagine. ** As quoted in "A Newcomer to the Business of Politics has Seen Enough to Reach Some Conclusions About Restoring Voters' Trust", by Joe Frolik, in''[[w:The Plain Dealer (newspaper)|The Plain Dealer]]'' (3 August 1996) ; 1998 * I think the trick is figuring out how do we structure government systems that pool resources and hence facilitate some redistribution because I actually believe in redistribution — at least at a certain level to make sure that everybody's got a shot. ** Loyola University conference, {{#formatdate:1998-10-19}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-09-18 | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=ge3aGJfDSg4 | title = Obama In 1998: "I Actually Believe In Redistribution" | periodical = YouTube | author = nick cruz }} === 2000-03 === ;2000 * Throughout its history, Israel has been anxious to make peace with its Arab neighbors. If successful, the current peace process is a potential opportunity for Israel to increase its security, normalize relations with its neighbors, and create a more stable and prosperous Middle East. Resolution of the conflict depends on direct [[negotiations]] between the parties based on mutual respect and recognition. The United States’ commitment to Israel must continue so Israel can negotiate with its former and current adversaries from a position of strength... Israel can take risks for peace only because of unwavering American support. ** [http://www.democrats.org/page/speakout/unfit CityPAC Questionnaire, 2000 Congressional Primary] ;2002 [[File:A soldier from the Army's 82nd Airborne Division with a dead insurgent's hand on his shoulder.jpg|thumb|We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of [[war]].]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Iraq 1.jpg|thumb|I don’t oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war.]] * I don't oppose all wars. What I am opposed to is a dumb war. What I am opposed to is a rash war. What I am opposed to is the cynical attempt by [[Richard Perle]] and [[Paul Wolfowitz]] and other armchair, weekend warriors in this administration to shove their own ideological agendas down our throats, irrespective of the costs in lives lost and in hardships borne. What I am opposed to is the attempt by political hacks like [[Karl Rove]] to distract us from a rise in the uninsured, a rise in the poverty rate, a drop in the median income, to distract us from corporate scandals and a stock market that has just gone through the worst month since the Great Depression. That’s what I’m opposed to. A dumb war. A rash war. A war based not on reason but on passion, not on principle but on politics. ** [http://action.barackobama.com/page/share/2002iraqfull Remarks of Illinois State Sen. Barack Obama Against Going to War with Iraq (2 October 2002)]; referencing the positions of former Pentagon policy adviser [[Richard Perle]], Deputy Defense Secretary [[Paul Wolfowitz]], and chief Bush political adviser [[Karl Rove]]. * Now let me be clear: I suffer no illusions about [[Saddam Hussein]]. He is a brutal man. A ruthless man. A man who butchers his own people to secure his own power.… The world, and the Iraqi people, would be better off without him. But I also know that Saddam poses no imminent and direct threat to the United States, or to his neighbors…and that in concert with the international community he can be contained until, in the way of all petty dictators, he falls away into the dustbin of history. ** Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq (2 October 2002). *We may have occasion in our lifetime to once again rise up in defense of our freedom, and pay the wages of [[war]]. ** [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf Remarks Against Going to War with Iraq] (2 October 2002). ;2003 * I'm proud of the fact that I stood up early and unequivocally in opposition to [[George W. Bush|Bush]]'s foreign policy. That opposition hasn't changed. ** [http://www.blackcommentator.com/47/47_cover.html Letter to ''The Black Commentator''] (19 June 2003). === 2004 === [[File:Barackobamaspeaks3.jpg|thumb|A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, "Huh. It works. It makes sense."]] [[File:September 14 2001 Ground Zero 04.jpg|thumb|My powers of empathy, my ability to reach into another's heart, cannot penetrate the blank stares of those who would murder innocents with abstract, serene satisfaction.]] * I opposed DOMA in 1996. It should be repealed and I will vote for its repeal on the Senate floor. I will also oppose any proposal to amend the U.S. Constitution to ban gays and lesbians from marrying. …I know how important the issue of equal rights is to the LGBT community. I share your sense of urgency. If I am elected U.S. Senator, you can be confident that my colleagues in the Senate and the President will know my position. ** On the [[w:Defense of Marriage Act|Defense of Marriage Act]], [http://www.wctimes.com/gay/lesbian/news/ARTICLE.php?AID=4018 ''Windy City Times'' (11 February 2004)] * A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, "Huh. It works. It makes sense." ** [https://archive.is/20120909155716/www.newyorker.com/fact/content/?040531fa_fact1 "The Candidate" in ''The New Yorker'' (31 May 2004)] * Where the stakes are the highest, in the war on terror, we cannot possibly succeed without extraordinary international cooperation. Effective international police actions require the highest degree of intelligence sharing, planning and collaborative enforcement. ** Speech to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations (12 July 2004) * The [Bush] Administration's failure to be consistently involved in helping Israel achieve peace with the Palestinians has been both wrong for our friendship with Israel, as well as badly damaging to our standing in the Arab world. I do not pretend to have all the answers to this vexing problem, and untangling the issues involved is an appropriate topic for a separate speech. What I can say is this: not only must we be consistent, but we will not succeed unless we have the cooperation of the European Union and the Arab States in pressing for reforms within the Palestinian community. ** Speech to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations (12 July 2004) * Operations in Iraq and Afghanistan and the war on terrorism have reduced the pace of military transformation and have revealed our lack of preparation for defensive and stability operations. This Administration has overextended our military. ** Speech to the Chicago Council on Foreign Relations (12 July 2004) * On Iraq, on paper, there's not as much difference, I think, between the Bush administration and a Kerry administration as there would have been a year ago. There's not much of a difference between my position and George Bush's position at this stage. ** "Obama's a Star Who Doesn't Follow the Script" by John Kass in The Chicago Tribune (27 July 2004) * That's silly talk... Talk to my wife. She'll tell me I need to learn to just put my socks on the hamper. ** [http://www.nationalreview.com/geraghty/geraghty200407270212.asp "Barack the Blessed" by Jim Geraghty in ''National Review'' (27 July 2004)] quoting Obama on his Presidential aspirations as stated on ''Meet the Press'' the previous Sunday. * You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt. ** ABC's ''This Week With [[George Stephanopoulos]]'' (15 August 2004) * And then, on [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], the world fractured. It's beyond my skill as a writer to capture that day, and the days that would follow — the planes, like specters, vanishing into steel and glass; the slow-motion cascade of the towers crumbling into themselves; the ash-covered figures wandering the streets; the anguish and the fear. Nor do I pretend to understand the stark nihilism that drove the terrorists that day and that drives their brethren still. My powers of empathy, my ability to reach into another's heart, cannot penetrate the blank stares of those who would murder innocents with abstract, serene satisfaction. ** Preface to the 2004 edition of ''[[w:Dreams from My Father|Dreams from My Father]]'', p. x * No one is pro-abortion. ** Speech at Benedictine University (5 October 2004) * Our first and immutable commitment must be to the security of Israel, our only true ally in the Middle East and the only democracy, ** [http://www.democrats.org/page/speakout/unfit Chicago Daily Herald (18 October 2004)] * There are some who might say that somebody named Barack Obama can’t be elected senator in the state of Illinois. They’re probably the same folks who said that a guy named [[Rod Blagojevich]] couldn’t be elected governor of the state of Illinois. ** On a campaign trail. [http://www.chicagomag.com/Chicago-Magazine/June-2009/Chicago-Straight/index.php?cparticle=2&siarticle=1#artanc] * I'm [[w:LeBron James|LeBron]], baby. I can play on this level. I got some game. ** quoted by [[w:David Mendell|David Mendell]].[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2007/06/25/obama-im-lebron-baby-i-ca_n_53563.html] ==== [[w:2004 Democratic National Convention keynote address|Democratic National Convention speech]] (July 2004) ==== :<small>[http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A19751-2004Jul27.html Speech at the Democratic National Convention] (27 July 2004)</small> [[File:ObamaSouthCarolina.jpg|thumb|That is the true genius of America—a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2004.jpg|thumb|There is not a liberal America and a conservative America — there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America — there's the United States of America.]] * My parents shared not only an improbable love, they shared an abiding faith in the possibilities of this nation. They would give me an African name, Barack, or blessed, believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success. They imagined me going to the best schools in the land, even though they weren't rich, because in a generous America you don't have to be rich to achieve your [[potential]]. * Tonight, we gather to affirm the greatness of our nation—not because of the height of our skyscrapers, or the power of our military, or the size of our economy. Our pride is based on a very simple premise, summed up in a [[United States Declaration of Independence|declaration made over two hundred years ago]]: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness." That is the true genius of America—a faith in simple dreams, an insistence on small miracles. * When we send our young men and women into harm's way, we have a solemn obligation not to fudge the numbers or shade the truth about why they're going, to care for their families while they're gone, to tend to the soldiers upon their return, and to never ever go to war without enough troops to win the war, secure the peace, and earn the respect of the world. * There are [[patriots]] who opposed the war in Iraq and there are patriots who supported the war in Iraq. We are one people, all of us pledging allegiance to the stars and stripes, all of us defending the United States of America. * '''There is not a liberal America and a conservative America — there is the United States of America. There is not a Black America and a White America and Latino America and Asian America — there's the United States of America.''' * That is the true genius of America, a faith in the simple dreams of its people, the insistence on small miracles. That we can say what we think, write what we think, without hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can have an idea and start our own business without paying a bribe or hearing a sudden knock on the door. That we can participate in the political process without fear of retribution, and that our votes will be counted — or at least, most of the time. * In the end, that's what this election is about. Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope? I'm not talking about blind optimism here... No, I'm talking about something more substantial. It's the hope of slaves sitting around a fire singing freedom songs; the hope of immigrants setting out for distant shores; the hope of a young naval lieutenant bravely patrolling the Mekong Delta; the hope of a millworker's son who dares to defy the odds; the hope of a skinny kid with a funny name who believes that America has a place for him, too. '''Hope in the face of difficulty, hope in the face of uncertainty, the audacity of hope: In the end, that is God's greatest gift to us, the bedrock of this nation, a belief in things not seen, a belief that there are better days ahead.''' * We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States. * John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded. === 2005 === [[File:BarackObamaportrait.jpg|thumb|Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. … Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential.]] * Today, on this day of possibility, we stand in the shadow of a lanky, raw-boned man with little formal education who once took the stage at Old Main and told the nation that if anyone did not believe the American principles of freedom and equality, that those principles were timeless and all-inclusive, they should go rip that page out of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]]. ** [http://www.knox.edu/x9803.xml Knox College Commencement Address (4 June 2005)] * How does America find its way in this new, global economy? What will our place in history be? Like so much of the American story, once again, we face a choice. Once again, there are those who believe that there isn’t much we can do about this as a nation. That the best idea is to give everyone one big refund on their government—divvy it up by individual portions, in the form of tax breaks, hand it out, and encourage everyone to use their share to go buy their own health care, their own retirement plan, their own child care, their own education, and so on. In Washington, they call this the Ownership Society. But in our past there has been another term for it—Social Darwinism—every man or woman for him or herself. It’s a tempting idea, because it doesn’t require much thought or ingenuity. It allows us to say that those whose health care or tuition may rise faster than they can afford—tough luck. It allows us to say to the Maytag workers who have lost their job—life isn’t fair. It let’s us say to the child who was born into poverty—pull yourself up by your bootstraps. And it is especially tempting because each of us believes we will always be the winner in life’s lottery, that we’re the one who will be the next Donald Trump, or at least we won’t be the chump who Donald Trump says: “You’re fired!” But there is a problem. It won’t work. It ignores our history. It ignores the fact that it’s been government research and investment that made the railways possible and the internet possible. It’s been the creation of a massive middle class, through decent wages and benefits and public schools that allowed us all to prosper. Our economic dependence depended on individual initiative. It depended on a belief in the free market; but it has also depended on our sense of mutual regard for each other, the idea that everybody has a stake in the country, that we’re all in it together and everybody’s got a shot at opportunity. That’s what’s produced our unrivaled political stability. ** Knox College Commencement Address (4 June 2005) * Focusing your life solely on making a buck shows a certain poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. … Because it’s only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself that you realize your true potential. ** Knox College Commencement Address (4 June 2005) * When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not humans — an avian flu pandemic. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/06/opinion/06obama.html?ex=1275710400&en=69f51e47097d5dd9&ei=5090&partner=rssuserland&emc=rss ''New York Times'' op-ed "Grounding a Pandemic" (6 June 2005)] by Barack Obama and [[w:Richard Lugar|Richard Lugar]] * I cannot swallow whole the view of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] as the Great Emancipator. ** "Uncovering the Real Abe Lincoln: What I See in Lincoln's Eyes" ''[[w:Time (magazine)|Time]]'' magazine (26 June 2005) === 2006 === [[File:Michelle Obama 2008-10-22 (1).jpg|thumb|Michelle will tell you that when we get together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's like a little mini-United Nations...]] [[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|Through words he gave voice to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave courage to the faint of heart.]] [[File:Sasha and Malia Obama prepare for school.jpg|thumb|He pointed the way for us — a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife … a land in which all of God's children might come together in a spirit of brotherhood.]] [[File:Barack obama houston.JPG|thumb|Throughout American history, there have been moments that call on us to meet the challenges of an uncertain world, and pay whatever price is required to secure our freedom.]] *I have never seen anyone burn a flag. And if I did, it would take every ounce of restraint I had not to haul off and hit them. **Voting against a Flag Desecration Amendment (2006), as quoted in [http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122835767216478251 "The Constitution, Designed to Change, Rarely Does"] (4 December 2008), by Jennifer S. Forsyth, ''The Wall Street Journal'' * The fact that we are here today to debate raising America's debt limit is a sign of leadership failure. Washington is shifting the burden of bad choices today onto the backs of our children and grandchildren. America has a debt problem and a failure of leadership. Americans deserve better. ** Speech on the floor of the US Senate in which he opposed raising the US debt limit. (16 March 2006) * The American people are a welcoming and generous people. But those who enter our country illegally, and those who employ them, disrespect the rule of law. And because we live in an age where terrorists are challenging our borders, '''we cannot allow people to pour into the United States undetected, undocumented, and unchecked. Americans are right to demand better border security and better enforcement of the immigration laws.''' ** Speech on the floor of the US Senate (3 April 2006). [https://www.c-span.org/video/?c4652652/obama-fence-statement "Obama Fence Statement"], starting at about 2:05. * Moreover, given the increasing diversity of America's population, the dangers of sectarianism have never been greater. '''Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation — at least, not ''just''; we are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers.''' And even if we did have only Christians in our midst, if we expelled every non-Christian from the United States of America, whose Christianity would we teach in the schools? Would we go with [[James Dobson]]'s, or [[Al Sharpton]]'s? Which passages of Scripture should guide our public policy? Should we go with Leviticus, which suggests slavery is ok and that eating shellfish is abomination? How about Deuteronomy, which suggests stoning your child if he strays from the faith? Or should we just stick to the Sermon on the Mount - a passage that is so radical that it's doubtful that our own Defense Department would survive its application? So before we get carried away, let's read our bibles. Folks haven't been reading their bibles. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/28/us/politics/2006obamaspeech.html Keynote speech: ''Call to Renewal's Building a Covenant for a New America conference'' - Washington, D.C., June 2006.] ** Partially quoted out of context as "Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation." in a Focus on the Family political mailer, reproduced in {{citation | date = 2012-10-31 | title = Anti-Obama mail piece: ‘We are no longer a Christian nation’ | first = Peter | last = Hamby | periodical = CNN | url = http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2012/10/31/anti-obama-mail-piece-we-are-no-longer-a-christian-nation/}} * Michelle will tell you that when we get together for Christmas or Thanksgiving, it's like a little mini-United Nations... I've got relatives who look like [[w:Bernie Mac|Bernie Mac]], and I've got relatives who look like [[Margaret Thatcher]]... We've got it all. ** [http://www.oprah.com/slideshow/oprahshow/oprahshow1_ss_20061018/10 "Keeping Hope Alive"], ''The Oprah Winfrey Show'' (18 October 2006) * When I was a kid, I inhaled. Frequently. That was the point. ** Meeting of the American Society of Magazine Editors (Oct. 2006) — [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0312/74186.html "10 politicians puffing about pot"] by M. J. Lee, ''POLITICO'' (19 March 2012) * And at some point, I know that one of my daughters will ask, perhaps my youngest, will ask, "Daddy, why is this monument here? What did this man do?" How might I answer them? Unlike the others commemorated in this place, Dr. [[Martin Luther King Jr.]] was not a president of the United States — at no time in his life did he hold public office. He was not a hero of foreign wars. He never had much money, and while he lived he was reviled at least as much as he was celebrated. By his own accounts, he was a man frequently racked with doubt, a man not without flaws, a man who, like [[Moses]] before him, more than once questioned why he had been chosen for so arduous a task — the task of leading a people to freedom, the task of healing the festering wounds of a nation's original sin. And yet lead a nation he did. Through words he gave voice to the voiceless. Through deeds he gave courage to the faint of heart. By dint of vision, and determination, and most of all faith in the redeeming power of love, he endured the humiliation of arrest, the loneliness of a prison cell, the constant threats to his life, until he finally inspired a nation to transform itself, and begin to live up to the meaning of its creed. <br> Like Moses before him, he would never live to see the Promised Land. But from the mountain top, he pointed the way for us — a land no longer torn asunder with racial hatred and ethnic strife, a land that measured itself by how it treats the least of these, a land in which strength is defined not simply by the capacity to wage war but by the determination to forge peace — a land in which all of God's children might come together in a spirit of brotherhood. <br> We have not yet arrived at this longed for place. For all the progress we have made, there are times when the land of our dreams recedes from us — when we are lost, wandering spirits, content with our suspicions and our angers, our long-held grudges and petty disputes, our frantic diversions and tribal allegiances. And yet, by erecting this monument, we are reminded that this different, better place beckons us, and that we will find it not across distant hills or within some hidden valley, but rather we will find it somewhere in our hearts. ** Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. National Memorial Groundbreaking Ceremony (13 November 2006) * Throughout American history, there have been moments that call on us to meet the challenges of an uncertain world, and pay whatever price is required to secure our freedom. They are the soul-trying times our forbearers spoke of, when the ease of complacency and self-interest must give way to the more difficult task of rendering judgment on what is best for the nation and for posterity, and then acting on that judgment — making the hard choices and sacrifices necessary to uphold our most deeply held values and ideals. This was true for those who went to Lexington and Concord. It was true for those who lie buried at Gettysburg. It was true for those who built democracy’s arsenal to vanquish fascism, and who then built a series of alliances and a world order that would ultimately defeat communism. And this has been true for those of us who looked on the rubble and ashes of 9/11, and made a solemn pledge that such an atrocity would never again happen on United States soil; that we would do whatever it took to hunt down those responsible, and use every tool at our disposal – diplomatic, economic, and military — to root out both the agents of terrorism and the conditions that helped breed it. ** "A Way Forward in Iraq", Remarks to the Chicago Council on Global Affairs (20 November 2006) * We cannot afford to be a country of isolationists right now. 9/11 showed us that try as we might to ignore the rest of the world, our enemies will no longer ignore us. And so we need to maintain a strong foreign policy, relentless in pursuing our enemies and hopeful in promoting our values around the world. But to guard against isolationist sentiments in this country, we must change conditions in Iraq and the policy that has characterized our time there – a policy based on blind hope and ideology instead of fact and reality. <br> Americans called for this more serious policy a few Tuesdays ago. It’s time that we listen to their concerns and win back their trust. I spoke here a year ago and delivered a message about Iraq that was similar to the one I did today. I refuse to accept the possibility that I will have to come back a year from now and say the same thing. There have been too many speeches. There have been too many excuses. There have been too many flag-draped coffins, and there have been too many heartbroken families. The time for waiting in Iraq is over. It is time to change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back. And it is time to refocus America’s efforts on the wider struggle yet to be won. ** "A Way Forward in Iraq", Remarks to the Chicago Council on Global Affairs (20 November 2006) * Evolution is more grounded in my experience than angels. ** [http://www.mediabistro.com/fishbowlny/magazines/barack_obama_i_inhaled_that_was_the_point_46068.asp Interview by David Remnick at the American Magazine Conference (23 October 2006)] * Most of all, I want to thank you for all the generous advance coverage you've given me in anticipation of a successful career. When I actually do something, we'll let you know. ** Speech to reporters, 2006 [[w:Gridiron Dinner|Gridiron Dinner]]. [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/obama/chi-obama_senate_recordjun12-archive,0,3195588.story] ==== Commencement address at the [[w:University of Massachusetts Boston|University of Massachusetts Boston]] (June 2, 2006) ==== <small> [http://obamaspeeches.com/074-University-of-Massachusetts-at-Boston-Commencement-Address-Obama-Speech.htm "Obama Speech – University of Massachusetts at Boston Commencement Address"]. obamaspeeches.com. </small> * America is an unlikely place - a country built on defiance of the odds; on a belief in the impossible. And I remind you of this because as you set out to live your own stories of success and achievement, it's now your turn to help keep it this way. <br> It's your turn to keep this daringly radical but unfailingly simple notion of America alive - that no matter where you're born or how much your parents have; no matter what you look like or what you believe in, you can still rise to become whatever you want; still go on to achieve great things; still pursue the happiness you hope for. <br> Today, this dream sounds common - perhaps even cliche - yet for most of human history it's been anything but. As a servant of Rome, a peasant in China, or a subject of King George, there were very few unlikely futures. No matter how hard you worked or struggled for something better, you knew you'd spend your life forced to build somebody else's empire; to sacrifice for someone else's cause. <br> But as the centuries passed, the people of the world grew restless. They were tired of tyranny and weary of their lot in life. And as they saw merchants start to sail across oceans and explorers set off in search of new worlds, they followed. <br> It was right here, in the waters around us, where the American experiment began. As the earliest settlers arrived on the shores of Boston and Salem and Plymouth, they dreamed of building a City upon a Hill. And the world watched, waiting to see if this improbable idea called America would succeed. <br> For over two hundred years, it has. Not because our dream has progressed perfectly. It hasn't. It has been scarred by our treatment of native peoples, betrayed by slavery, clouded by the subjugation of women, wounded by racism, shaken by war and depression. <br> Yet, the true test of our union is not whether it's perfect, but whether we work to perfect it. Whether we recognize our failings, identify our shortcomings, and then rise to meet the challenges of our time. * More than half of you represent the very first member of your family to ever attend college. In the most diverse university in all of New England, I look out at a sea of faces that are African-American and Hispanic-American and Asian-American and Arab-American. I see students that have come here from over 100 different countries, believing like those first settlers that they too could find a home in this City on a Hill - that they too could find success in this unlikeliest of places. <br> All of this has occurred in the midst of a city where No Irish Need Apply signs once hung from stores. All of this in a city where, just thirty years ago, buses of black students were pelted with rocks as they pulled into schools in South Boston; where the Red Sox were once the team who refused to sign the great Jackie Robinson. <br> But the problem isn't that we've made progress. The problem is that progress isn't good enough. There is more work to be done, more justice to be had, more barriers to break. And now it's your generation's turn to bring these changes about. * When I was on the brink of graduating from college, I had this crazy idea that I wanted to be a community organizer and work in low-income neighborhoods. <br> My mother and grandparents thought I should go to law school, and my friends were all busy applying for jobs on Wall Street. But I went ahead and wrote letters to every organization in the country that I thought was working to empower low-income people. And finally, this small group of churches on the south side of Chicago wrote back and offered me a job helping them deal with the consequences of steel plants that had closed and put thousands out of work. <br> The churches didn't have much money - so they offered me a grand sum of $12,000 a year plus $1,000 to buy a car. So I bought a beat up old car, packed up my belongings, got out a map, and started driving west to Chicago - a place I had never been and where I didn't know a living soul. * As the world continues to change and we become more connected to each other, globalization will bring both benefits and disruptions to our lives. But either way, it's here, and it's not going away. <br> We can try to build walls around us, and we can look inward, and we can respond by being frightened and angry about those disruptions. * Empathy is a quality of character that can change the world - one that makes you understand that your obligations to others extend beyond people who look like you and act like you and live in your neighborhood. * I often imagine the young Americans - teenagers and college kids not much older than you - from all over the country, watching the Civil Rights Movement unfold before them on their television sets. I imagine that they would've seen the marchers and heard the speeches, but they also probably saw the dogs and the fire hoses, or the footage of innocent people being beaten within an inch of their lives, or maybe they would've heard the news the day those four little girls died when someone threw a bomb into their church. <br> Instinctively, they knew that it was safer and smarter to stay at home; to watch the movement from afar. But somewhere in their hearts, they also understood that these people in Georgia and Alabama and Mississippi were their brothers and sisters; that what was happening was wrong; and that they had an obligation to make it right. And so when the buses pulled up for a Freedom Ride down South, they got on. And they rode. Thousands of them. And they changed the world. <br> We need you to do the same. * You will be tested. You won't always succeed. But know that you have it within your power to try. That generations who have come before you faced these same fears and uncertainties in their own time. And that through our collective labor, and through God's providence, and our willingness to shoulder each other's burdens, America will continue on its journey towards that distant horizon, and a better day. === 2007 === [[File:Obamafamily.jpg|thumb|I've been struck by how hungry we all are for a different kind of politics. So I've spent some time thinking about how I could best advance the cause of change and progress that we so desperately need.]] [[File:Hartfordobama.jpg|thumb|I know that I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington, but I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change. People who love their country can change it.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Iraq 3.jpg|thumb|It is time for us to fundamentally change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back. And it is time to refocus America's efforts on the challenges we face at home and the wider struggle against terror yet to be won.]] * I certainly didn't expect to find myself in this position a year ago. I've been struck by how hungry we all are for a different kind of politics. So I've spent some time thinking about how I could best advance the cause of change and progress that we so desperately need...The decisions that have been made in Washington these past six years, and the problems that have been ignored, have put our country in a precarious place. America's faced big problems before. But today, our leaders in Washington seem incapable of working together in a practical, commonsense way. Politics has become so bitter and partisan, so gummed up by money and influence, that we can't tackle the big problems that demand solutions. ** [http://www.barackobama.com/video/from_barack_transcript/ In a video posting, announcing his candidacy for President of the United States (16 January 2007)] * There are countless reasons the American people have lost confidence in the President's Iraq policy, but chief among them has been the administration's insistence on making promises and assurances about progress and victory that do not appear to be grounded in the reality of the facts. We have been told we would be greeted as liberators. We have been promised the insurgency was in its last throes. We have been assured again and again that we are making progress and that the Iraqis would soon stand up so we could stand down and our brave sons and daughters could start coming home. We have been asked to wait, we have been asked to be patient, and we have been asked to give the President and the new Iraqi Government 6 more months, and then 6 more months after that, and then 6 more months after that. ** Floor Statement on President's Decision to Increase Troops in Iraq (19 January 2007) * I have been a consistent and strong opponent of this war. I have also tried to act responsibly in that opposition to ensure that, having made the decision to go into Iraq, we provide our troops, who perform valiantly, the support they need to complete their mission. I have also stated publicly that I think we have both strategic interests and humanitarian responsibilities in ensuring that Iraq is as stable as possible under the circumstances. Finally, I said publicly that it is my preference not to micromanage the Commander-in-Chief in the prosecution of war. Ultimately, I do not believe that is the ideal role for Congress to play. But at a certain point, we have to draw a line. At a certain point, the American people have to have some confidence that we are not simply going down this blind alley in perpetuity. <br> When it comes to the war in Iraq, the time for promises and assurances, for waiting and patience is over. Too many lives have been lost and too many billions have been spent for us to trust the President on another tried-and-failed policy, opposed by generals and experts, opposed by Democrats and Republicans, opposed by Americans and even the Iraqis themselves. It is time to change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back, and it is time to refocus America's effort on the wider struggle against terror yet to be won. ** Floor Statement on President's Decision to Increase Troops in Iraq (19 January 2007) * The U.S. military has performed valiantly and brilliantly in Iraq. Our troops have done all that we have asked them to do and more. But no amount of American soldiers can solve the political differences at the heart of somebody else's civil war, nor settle the grievances in the hearts of the combatants. <br> It is my firm belief that the responsible course of action - for the United States, for Iraq, and for our troops - is to oppose this reckless escalation and to pursue a new policy. This policy that I've laid out is consistent with what I have advocated for well over a year, with many of the recommendations of the bipartisan Iraq Study Group, and with what the American people demanded in the November election. <br> When it comes to the war in Iraq, the time for promises and assurances, for waiting and patience, is over. Too many lives have been lost and too many billions have been spent for us to trust the President on another tried and failed policy opposed by generals and experts, Democrats and Republicans, Americans and many of the Iraqis themselves. <br> It is time for us to fundamentally change our policy. It is time to give Iraqis their country back. And it is time to refocus America's efforts on the challenges we face at home and the wider struggle against terror yet to be won. ** Floor Statement on Iraq War De-escalation Act of 2007 (30 January 2007) * It is important at this point that Congress offer specific constructive approaches to what’s proven to be a foreign policy disaster because we’ve got too much at stake to simply stand on the sidelines and criticize...If we simply cut off funding without any structure for how a redeployment takes place, then you could genuinely have a Constitutional crisis or at least a crisis on the ground where the president continues to send troops there but now they’re being shortchanged in terms of armaments and support...The notion that as a consequence of that [2002 Congressional] authorization, the president can continue down a failed path without any constraints from Congress whatsoever is wrong and is not warranted by our Constitution. ** [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16896534/ Interview on Iraq with the Associated Press (30 January 2007)] * In an interview with Steve Kroft of 60 Minutes, the day before announcing his candidacy for President: :Steve Kroft: Do you think the country is ready for a black president? :Barack Obama: Yes. :Steve Kroft: You don't think it's going to hold you back? :Barack Obama: No. I think if I don't win this race, it will be because of other factors. It's going to be because I have not shown to the American people a vision for where the country needs to go, that they can embrace. :*"[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAt13fo3LB4?t=6m47s The Long-Shot Candidate]" (at 6m47s), CBS News on YouTube, 29 December 2008. * I recognize there is a certain presumptuousness in this, a certain audacity, to this announcement. I know that I haven't spent a lot of time learning the ways of Washington, but I've been there long enough to know that the ways of Washington must change. People who love their country can change it. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/02/10/obama.president/index.html Announcement of Candidacy for President of the United States. (10 February 2007)] * We've been told that our crises are somebody else's fault. We are distracted from our real failures and told to blame the other party, or gay people, or immigrants, and as people have looked away in frustration and disillusionment, we know who has filled the void. The cynics, the lobbyists, the special interests, who've turned government into only a game they can afford to play. They write the checks while you get stuck with the bill. They get access while you get to write a letter. **Announcement of Candidacy for President of the United States. (10 February 2007) * The Israeli people, and Prime Minister Olmert, have made clear that they are more than willing to negotiate an end to the Israeli-Palestinian conflict that will result in two states living side by side in peace and security. But the Israelis must trust that they have a true Palestinian partner for peace. That is why we must strengthen the hands of Palestinian moderates who seek peace and that is why we must maintain the isolation of Hamas and other extremists who are committed to Israel's destruction. ** [http://www2.iland.net/inews/story.php?storyid=1038226&class=iraq Speech at AIPAC. (2 March 2007)] * '''One of the prettiest sounds on Earth at sunset.''' ** Of the Arabic call to prayer — as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/opinion/06kristof.html?_r=0 "Obama: Man of the World" by Nicholas D. Kristof, ''The New York Times'' (March 6, 2007)] * In Africa, you often see that the difference between a village where everybody eats and a village where people starve is government. One has a functioning government, and the other does not. Which is why it bothers me when I hear people say that government is the enemy. They don't understand its fundamental role. ** Profile in ''The Independent Magazine'' (10 March 2007) * Nobody's suffering more than the Palestinian people from this whole process. And I would like to see — if we could get some movement from Palestinian leadership — what I'd like to see is a loosening up of some of the restrictions on providing aid directly to the Palestinian people. ** Response to a question in [[w:Iowa|Iowa]] (11 March 2007) in {{citation | date = 2007-03-11 | title = Iowans get an up-close view of Obama | first = Thomas | last = Beaumont | newspaper = Des Moines Register/{{w|USA Today}} | url = http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/news/washington/2007-03-11-obama-iowa_N.htm }} * In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died – an entire town destroyed. ** On a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people [http://www.telegraphindia.com/1070510/asp/foreign/story_7758325.asp] (9 May 2007) * Look at what happened in New Orleans and along the Gulf Coast when [[w:Hurricane Katrina|Katrina]] hit. People ask me whether they thought race was the reason the response was so slow. I say, "well, no, this administration was colorblind in its incompetence." But, everyone here knows that the disaster and the poverty happened long before the hurricane hit. * And so God is asking us today to remember the miracle of that baby and he's asking us, he says, "Take the bullet out!" If we have more black men in prison than in our colleges and universities, then it's time to take the bullet out. If we have millions of people goin' to the emergency room for treatable illnesses like asthma, it's time to take the bullet out. If too many of our kids don't have health insurance, it's time to take that bullet out. If we keep sending our kids to crumblin' school buildings, we keep fighting this war in Iraq, a war that should've never been authorized and should've never been waged, a war that costing us 20 cents — $275 million a day, that could have been invested in rebuilding communities all across this country, then it's time to take that bullet out! * Now here's the thing, when [[September 11 attacks|9-11]] happened in New York City, they waived the {{w|Stafford Act}} — said, "This is too serious a problem. We can't expect New York City to rebuild on its own. Forget that dollar you gotta put in. Well, here's ten dollars." And that was the right thing to do. When {{w|Hurricane Andrew}} struck in Florida, people said, "Look at this devastation. We don't expect you to come up with y'own money, here. Here's the money to rebuild. We're not gonna wait for you to scratch it together — because you're part of the American family." What's happening down in New Orleans? "Where's your dollar? Where's your Stafford Act money?" Makes no sense! Tells me the bullet hasn't been taken out. Tells me that somehow, the people down in New Orleans they don't care about as much! * We know that our faith sometimes has been used as a wedge to divide us, but we also know that with a ''big'' God, with a loving and ''forceful'' God, if we unite in ''his'' name, we can finish his work on Earth. In the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it. With a uniting faith, with a God powerful enough to empower us, we can take those bullets out. * There was a team that took that bullet out of the baby, 15 years ago. She's got a scar on her arm, always will, but she will survive. Just like America will survive. Just like black folks will survive. We won't forget where we came from. We won't forget what happened 19 months ago, or 15 years ago, or 300 years ago. We know who the head surgeon is, we're on the case, we're going to pull bullet after bullet out. ** Hampton University, June 2007 ** referring to [http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/04/26/11408854-unborn-baby-shot-in-los-angeles-riots-im-still-here?lite Jessica Evers], born with a bullet in her arm on {{#formatdate:1992-04-30}} during the [[w:1992 Los Angeles riots|Los Angeles riots]] * I will send a strong message that Israel is our friend, that we will assist in their security and that we don't find nuclear weapons acceptable as Iran is currently envisioning it. ** ''[http://www.reuters.com/article/2007/07/26/us-usa-politics-democrats-idUSN2619692620070726 Obama says Clinton has foreign policy like Bush's]'' 26 July 2007 * I did. It's not something that I'm proud of. It was a mistake … But you know, I'm not going to. I never understood that line. The point was to inhale. That was the point. ** [http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/11/25/479649.aspx When asked "Unlike other presidents, did you inhale?"] * Don't tell us that the only way to teach a child is to spend too much of a year preparing him to fill out a few bubbles on a standardized test; we know that's not true. ** [[Barrack Obama]] ''National Education Association Speech'', 2007 * I think that I’m a better speechwriter than my speechwriters. I know more about policies on any particular issue than my policy directors. And I’ll tell you right now that I’m gonna think I’m a better political director than my political director. ** Reported by [[w:Ryan Lizza|Ryan Lizza]] in the ''New Yorker'', said to [[w:Patrick Gaspard|Patrick Gaspard]] during a job interview in 2007.[http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/11/17/081117fa_fact_lizza?printable=true] * The President does not have power under the Constitution to unilaterally authorize a military attack in a situation that does not involve stopping an actual or imminent threat to the nation. In instances of self-defense, the President would be within his constitutional authority to act before advising Congress or seeking its consent. History has shown us time and again, however, that military action is most successful when it is authorized and supported by the Legislative branch. It is always preferable to have the informed consent of Congress prior to any military action. As for the specific question about bombing suspected nuclear sites, I recently introduced S.J.Res.23, which states in part that “any offensive military action taken by the United States against Iran must be explicitly authorized by Congress.” ** In response to a question "In what circumstances would the president have constitutional authority to bomb Iran without seeking a use-of-force authorization from Congress?" ** ''[[w:Boston Globe|Boston Globe]]'' questionnaire on Executive Power, December 20, 2007.[http://www.ontheissues.org/Archive/2007_Exec_Power_Barack_Obama.htm] ===2008=== [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Kuwait 21.jpg|thumb|Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it and to work for it and to fight for it.]] [[File:Barack Obama 2008 Kuwait 10.jpg|thumb|Hope is the bedrock of this nation. The belief that our destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by all those men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.]] * I know you didn't do this for me. You did this—you did this because you believed so deeply in '''the most American of ideas—that in the face of impossible odds, people who love this country can change it.''' ** [[s:Iowa Caucus Victory Speech|Iowa Caucus Victory Speech]], Delivered at the [[w:Iowa Democratic caucuses, 2008|Iowa Democratic caucus]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNZaq-YKCnE 3 January 2008] * Years from now, you'll look back and you'll say that this was the moment, this was the place where America remembered what it means to hope. For many months, we've been teased, even derided for talking about hope. But we always knew that '''hope is not blind optimism. It's not ignoring the enormity of the tasks ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. It's not sitting on the sidelines or shirking from a fight. Hope is that thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us if we have the courage to reach for it and to work for it and to fight for it.''' ** [[s:Iowa Caucus Victory Speech|Iowa Caucus Victory Speech]], Delivered at the [[w:Iowa Democratic caucuses, 2008|Iowa Democratic caucus]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNZaq-YKCnE 3 January 2008] * '''[[Hope]] is the bedrock of this nation. The belief that our destiny will not be written for us, but by us, by all those men and women who are not content to settle for the world as it is, who have the courage to remake the world as it should be.''' ** [[s:Iowa Caucus Victory Speech|Iowa Caucus Victory Speech]], Delivered at the [[w:Iowa Democratic caucuses, 2008|Iowa Democratic caucus]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNZaq-YKCnE 3 January 2008] * We know the battle ahead will be long, but '''always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.''' **[[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night|Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night]] (8 January 2008) * We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics who will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check. We've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But '''in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told that we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, [[generations]] of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: ''Yes we can''.''' **[[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night|Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night]] (8 January 2008) * We long for unity, but are unwilling to pay the price. But of course, true unity cannot be so easily won. It starts with a change in attitudes - a broadening of our minds, and a broadening of our hearts. ** [http://www.reobama.com/SpeechesJan2008.htm Remarks of Senator Barack Obama: The Great Need of the Hour (January 20, 2008 in Atlanta, Georgia)] * I am a Christian, and I am a devout Christian. I believe in the redemptive death and resurrection of [[Jesus Christ]]. I believe that that faith gives me a path to be cleansed of sin and have eternal life. But most importantly, I believe in the example that Jesus set by feeding the hungry and healing the sick and always prioritizing the least of these over the powerful. I didn't 'fall out in church' as they say, but there was a very strong awakening in me of the importance of these issues in my life. I didn't want to walk alone on this journey. Accepting Jesus Christ in my life has been a powerful guide for my conduct and my values and my ideals.. **[http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2008/januaryweb-only/104-32.0.html?start=1 "Q & A: Barack Obama"] Interview in ''Christianity Today'' (22 January 2008) * '''Change will not come if we wait for some other person or if we wait for some other time. We are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.''' ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/05/us/politics/05text-obama.html Senator Barack Obama’s speech to supporters after the Feb. 5 2008 nominating contests, as provided by Federal News Service and released in the New York Times (5 February 2008)] * There was no such thing as Al Qaeda in Iraq, until [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] and [[John McCain]] decided to invade Iraq. ** Speech in Columbus, Ohio (27 February 2008) * The forces of division have begun to raise their ugly head again … It reminds me: We've got a tragic history when it comes to race in this country. A lot of pent-up anger and mistrust and bitterness. This country wants to move beyond these kinds of things. ** [http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2008/03/16/obama_asks_country_to_come_together_right_now/ "Obama asks country to come together right now" in ''The Boston Globe'' (16 March 2008)] * John McCain once opposed these tax cuts — he rightly called them unfair and fiscally irresponsible. But now he has done an about face and wants to make them permanent, just like he wants a permanent occupation in Iraq. No matter what the costs, no matter what the consequences, John McCain seems determined to carry out a third Bush term... **[http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/03/20/789664.aspx "Bush-McCain policies have... ballooned the national debt." (20 March 2008)] * The point I was making was not that my grandmother harbors any racial animosity — she doesn't. But she is a typical white person who, you know, if she sees somebody on the street that she doesn't know, you know, there's a reaction that's been bred into our experiences that don't go away and that sometimes come out in the wrong way. And that's just the nature of race in our society. We have to break through it. And what makes me optimistic is you see each generation feeling a little bit less like that, and that's pretty powerful stuff. ** Interview on radio station 610 WIP (20 March 2008), as quoted in [http://mediamatters.org/print/research/200803210008 Chris Wallace criticizes ''Fox & Friends'' for "two hours of Obama bashing" in which hosts "distort … what Obama had to say" (21 March 2008)] * I've got two daughters, nine years old and six years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby. ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0803/29/bb.01.html Town Hall Meeting in Johnstown, Pennsylvania (29 March 2008)] * I taught constitutional law for ten years. I take the Constitution very seriously. The biggest problems that we're facing right now have to do with George Bush trying to bring more and more power into the executive branch and not go through Congress at all, and that's what I intend to reverse when I'm president of the United States of America. ** Townhall in Lancaster, Pennsylvania (31 March 2008) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3IWq3CXHyc video] * I am not in favor of concealed weapons. I think that creates a potential atmosphere where more innocent people could (get shot during) altercations. ** [http://triblive.com//x/pittsburghtrib/news/s_560181.html#axzz3dMIj6b00 "Candidates' gun control positions may figure in Pa. vote"] by Mike Wereschagin and David M. Brown, ''Pittsburgh Tribune-Review'' (2 April 2008) * You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, a lot like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. So it’s not surprising then that '''they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy towards people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.''' ** [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2000404/posts Statement at a San Francisco fundraiser (6 April 2008)] * Lately there has been a little typical sort of political flare up because I said something that everybody knows is true which is that there are a whole bunch of folks in small towns in Pennsylvania, in towns right here in Indiana, in my hometown in Illinois who are bitter. They are angry. They feel like they have been left behind. They feel like nobody is paying attention to what they're going through. So I said well you know when you're bitter you turn to what you can count on. So people they vote about guns, or they take comfort from their faith and their family and their community. And they get mad about illegal immigrants who are coming over to this country or they get frustrated about you know how things are changing. '''That's a natural response. And now I didn't say it as well as I should have because you know the truth is is that these traditions that are passed on from generation to generation those are important. That's what sustains us. But what is absolutely true is that people don't feel like they are being listened to. And so they pray and they count on each other and they count on their families.''' You know this in your own lives and what we need is a government that is actually paying attention. Government that is fighting for working people day in and day out making sure that we are trying to allow them to live out the American dream. And that's what this campaign is about. We've got to get past the divisions. We've got to get past the distractions of our politics and fight for each other. That is why I am running for president of the United States. And I think we've got an opportunity to bring about that change right here and right now. But I'm gonna need your help Indiana. I'm gonna need your help. ** In Muncie, Indiana on Saturday, April 12, 2008 clarifying the remarks he had made in his San Francisco speech the previous Sunday. [http://thepage.time.com/transcript-of-obamas-remarks-in-muncie-indiana/ Transcript of Obama's Remarks in Muncie, Indiana (12 April 2008)] *'''Gibson''': And in each instance, when the [capital gains tax] rate dropped, revenues from the tax increased; the government took in more money. And in the 1980s, when the tax was increased to 28 percent, the revenues went down. So why raise it at all, especially given the fact that 100 million people in this country own stock and would be affected? <br> '''Obama''': Well, Charlie, what I’ve said is that I would look at raising the capital gains tax for purposes of fairness. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/DemocraticDebate/Story?id=4670271&page=3 Interview on ''ABC News'' (16 April 2008)] * I've known [[w:Jeremiah Wright|Reverend Wright]] for almost twenty years. The person I saw yesterday was not the person that I met twenty years ago. His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but I believe that they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate and I believe that they do not portray accurately the perspective of the black church. They certainly don’t portray accurately my values and beliefs and if Reverend Wright thinks that's political posturing, as he put it, then he doesn't know me very well and based on his remarks yesterday, well I may not know him as well as I thought either. ** [http://embeds.blogs.foxnews.com/2008/04/29/obama-calls-it-quits-with-former-pastor-jeremiah-wright/ Statement at a press conference following Reverend Jeremiah Wright's speech at a Press Club event (29 April 2008)] * Over the last fifteen months we've traveled to every corner of the United States. I've now been in fifty...seven states... I think one left to go. One left to go — Alaska and Hawaii I was not allowed to go to, even though I really wanted to visit — but my staff would not justify it. ** A gaffe during a campaign address, where he had obviously meant to say forty-seven in reference to the 47 of the 48 contiguous US states he had visited. (9 May 2008) [http://www.barackobama.com/2008/05/09/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_63.php Official transcript of address] - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpGH02DtIws video of actual delivery of the introduction] * Now I know that if you listen to Washington or pay attention to the pundits, you hear a lot about how divided we are as a people. But that's not what I've found as I've traveled across this great country. <br> Everywhere I go, I've been impressed by the values and hopes that we share. In big cities and small towns; among men and women; young and old; black, white, and brown — Americans share a faith in simple dreams. ** [http://www.barackobama.com/2008/05/09/remarks_of_senator_barack_obam_63.php Campaign address in Beaverton, Oregon (9 May 2008)] * Iran, Cuba, Venezuela — these countries are tiny compared to the Soviet Union. They don't pose a serious threat to us the way the Soviet Union posed a threat to us. And yet we were willing to talk to the Soviet Union at the time when they were saying, `We're going to wipe you off the planet." **[http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5glI7UtjQLctRJGUYNpAuFHulunKgD90OUQ4O0 Campaign rally in Pendleton, Oregon (18 May 2008)] * Let me be absolutely clear: Iran is a grave threat. **[http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/05/19/mccain-and-obama-trade-barbs-on-iran/?hp Campaign rally in Billings, Montana (19 May 2008)] * You can take your diploma, walk off this stage, and chase only after the big house and the nice suits, but I hope you don't. Not because you have an obligation to those who are less fortunate, although I believe you do have that obligation. Not because you have a debt to all those who helped you get here, although I do believe you have that debt. It's because you have an obligation to yourself. Because our individual salvation depends on collective salvation. Because thinking only about yourself, fulfilling your immediate wants and needs, betrays a poverty of ambition. ** [http://www.politico.com/pdf/PPM42_remarks_of_obama.pdf Wesleyan Graduation Ceremony, Middletown, Connecticut (25 May 2008)] * On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes — and I see many of them in the audience here today — our sense of patriotism is particularly strong. **[http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/studentnews/05/26/transcript.tue/ Campaign rally on Memorial Day, New Mexico (26 May 2008)] * I’m not denouncing the church, and I’m not interested in people who want me to denounce the church. It’s not a church worthy of denouncing. **[http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/01/us/politics/01obama.html?bl&ex=1212465600&en=88997ad25a4ddba4&ei=5087%0A On resigning his membership in the Trinity United Church of Christ (31 May 2008)] * I am reminded every day of my life, if not by events, then by my wife, that I am not a perfect man. ** Speech in Mitchell, South Dakota; (1 June 2008) * I honor — we honor — the service of John McCain, and I respect his many accomplishments, even if he chooses to deny mine. My differences with him are not personal; they are with the policies he has proposed in this campaign. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/06/03/obama.speech/index.html Speech following the Minnesota primary (3 June 2008)] * You know in your hearts that at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — we cannot afford to keep doing what we've been doing. We owe our children a better future. We owe our country a better future. And for all those who dream of that future tonight, I say — let us begin the work together. Let us unite in common effort to chart a new course for America. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/06/03/obama.speech/index.html Speech following the Minnesota primary (3 June 2008)] * America, this is our moment. This is our time, our time to turn the page on the policies of the past, our time to bring new energy and new ideas to the challenges we face, our time to offer a new direction for this country that we love. The journey will be difficult. The road will be long. I face this challenge with profound humility, and knowledge of my own limitations. But I also face it with limitless faith in the capacity of the American people. Because if we are willing to work for it, and fight for it, and believe in it, then I am absolutely certain that generations from now, we will be able to look back and tell our children that this was the moment when we began to provide care for the sick and good jobs to the jobless; this was the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal; this was the moment when we ended a war and secured our nation and restored our image as the last, best hope on earth. This was the moment - this was the time - when we came together to remake this great nation so that it may always reflect our very best selves, and our highest ideals. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/03/us/politics/03text-obama.html Barack Obama’s Remarks in St. Paul] (3 June 2008) * These voices blame [[Israel|the Middle East's only democracy]] for the region's extremism. They offer the false promise that abandoning a stalwart ally is somehow the path to strength. It is not, it never has been, and it never will be. ** [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91150432&ft=1&f=1102 Speech at AIPAC Policy Conference (4 June 2008)] * Any agreement with the Palestinian people must preserve Israel's identity as a Jewish state, with secure, recognized and defensible borders. [[Jerusalem]] will remain the capital of Israel, and it must remain undivided. ** [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91150432&ft=1&f=1102 Speech at AIPAC Policy Conference (4 June 2008)] * Obviously, it's going to be up to the parties to negotiate a range of these issues, and Jerusalem will be part of those [[negotiations]]. ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0901/02/cnr.06.html Interview with CNN, in response to a question on Jerusalem (5 June 2008)] * If they bring a knife to the fight, we bring a gun. ** At a Philadelphia fundraiser, as quoted in [http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2008/06/14/obama-if-they-bring-a-knife-to-the-fight-we-bring-a-gun/ "Obama: ‘If They Bring a Knife to the Fight, We Bring a Gun’"], ''The Wall Street Journal'' (14 June 2008) * '''We cannot continue to rely only on our military in order to achieve the national security objectives that we've set. We've got to have a civilian national security force that's just as powerful, just as strong, just as well-funded.''' ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tt2yGzHfy7s Call to Service in Colorado Springs, CO (2 July 2008)] * The problem is, is that the way Bush has done it over the last eight years is to take out a credit card from the Bank of China in the name of our children, driving up our national debt from $5 trillion for the first 42 presidents -- #43 added $4 trillion by his lonesome, so that we now have over $9 trillion of debt that we are going to have to pay back — $30,000 for every man, woman and child. '''That's irresponsible. It's unpatriotic.''' ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUPZJDBJI84 (July 3, 2008): Obama says adding $4 trillion to debt is unpatriotic] * I was a little puzzled by the frenzy that I set off by what I thought was a pretty innocuous statement, which is that I am absolutely committed to ending the war. I'm not trying to dump on you guys, but I'm surprised at how finely calibrated every single word was measured. I wasn't saying anything that I hadn't said before, that I didn't say a year ago, or when I was a U.S. senator. If you look at our position, it's been very consistent. The notion that we have to get out carefully has been a consistent position. … I think what's happened is that the McCain campaign primed the pump with the press to suggest that somehow we were changing our policy when we hadn't and that just hasn't been the case. I've given no indication of a change in policy … I think John McCain's going to have a much harder time explaining how he is willing to perpetuate a presence in Iraq for 10, 20, 50 years. ** [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/07/06/campaign.wrap/index.html Obama response to attack from McCain and his campaign on alleged Obama reversal on Iraq War; (5 July 2008)] * Lord — Protect my family and me. Forgive me my sins, and help me guard against pride and despair. Give me the wisdom to do what is right and just. And make me an instrument of your will. ** [http://www.mercurynews.com/nationworld/ci_9994539 Note slipped into the Western Wall in Jerusalem (24 July 2008)] * Nobody really thinks that Bush or McCain have a real answer for the challenges we face. So what they are going to try to do is make you scared of me. You know he — oh, he's not patriotic enough. He's got a funny name. You know, he doesn't look like all of those other presidents on those dollar bills. ** Campaign rally in Springfield, Missouri, July 30, 2008 [http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5iNxTApa2sQRu0Xx99P3jt2bEXw7gD928U6F00] * I remain skeptical that new offshore drilling will bring down gas prices in the short-term or significantly reduce our oil dependence in the long-term, though I do welcome the establishment of a process that will allow us to make future drilling decisions based on science and fact. But I've always believed that finding consensus will be essential to solving our energy crisis and today's package represents a good faith effort at a new bipartisan beginning. ** Press statement as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26010596/ ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'' (1 August 2008)] * My interest is in making sure we‘ve got the kind of comprehensive energy policy that can bring down gas prices. If, in order to get that passed, we have to compromise in terms of a careful, well-thought out oil strategy that was carefully circumscribed to avoid significant environmental damage. I don't want to be so rigid that we can't get something done. ** [http://www.palmbeachpost.com/localnews/content/state/epaper/2008/08/01/0801obama1.html Interview in ''The Palm Beach Post'' (1 August 2008)] * So, now the Republicans are going around — this is the kind of thing they do. I don't understand it. They are going around. They're sending like little tire gauges, making fun of this idea, as if this is Barack Obama's energy plan. Now, two points. One, they know they're lying about what my energy plan is. But the other thing is, they are making fun of a step that every expert says would absolutely reduce our oil consumption by 3 percent to 4 percent. ''It's like these guys take pride in being ignorant'', you know? I mean, they think it's funny that they're making fun of something that is actually true. They need to do their homework, because this is serious business. Instead of running ads about Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, they should go talk to some energy experts and actually make a difference. ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0808/05/sitroom.03.html Responding to Republican criticism of his energy policy (5 August 2008)] * People ask me... "What do you still bring from Hawaii? How does it affect your character, how does it affect your politics?" I try to explain to them something about the [[w:Aloha|Aloha Spirit]]. I try to explain to them this basic idea that we all have obligations to each other, that we're not alone, that if we see somebody who's in need we should help... that we look out for one another, that we deal with each other with courtesy and respect, and most importantly, that when you come from Hawaii, you start understanding that what's on the surface, what people look like — that doesn't determine who they are. <br> And that the power and strength of diversity, the ability of people from everywhere … whether they're black or white, whether they're Japanese-Americans or Korean-Americans or Filipino-Americans or whatever they are, they are just Americans, that all of us can work together and all of us can join together to create a better country. <br> And it's that spirit, that I'm absolutely convinced, is what America is looking for right now. <br> Because we've been divided for so long, we've been arguing for so long, a lot of times about things that aren't even worth arguing about, and ignoring the things that we should be doing to make the next generation have a better life — that I think people are hungry for a new politics, they're hungry for change, and that's why I decided to run for President of the United States. ** [http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=40384154 Speech in Keehi Lagoon Beach Park, Hawaii, (8 August 2008)] * Well, I think that you're looking at it from a theological perspective or a scientific perspective. Answering that question with specificity is above my pay grade. But let me just speak more generally about the issue of abortion, because this is something that obviously the country wrestles with. ** Answer to the question: "At what point does a baby get human rights in your view?" at the [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0808/16/se.02.html Saddleback Civil Forum] with Pastor [[w:Rich Warren|Rich Warren]], (18 August 2008) * Tim Kaine has a message of fiscal responsibility and generosity of spirit. That kind of message can sell anywhere. ** About Virginia governor [[Tim Kaine]], a possible VP candidate [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/aug/03/vetting-obamas-man/], 3 August 2008 * You have shown what history teaches us — that at defining moments like this one, the change we need doesn't come ''from'' Washington. Change comes ''to'' Washington. **[http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/samgrahamfelsen/gG5l5C Nomination Acceptance Speech (29 August 2008)] * '''If you don’t have any fresh ideas, then you use stale tactics to scare the voters. If you don’t have a record to run on, then you paint your opponent as someone people should run from. You make a big election about small things.''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmEI9Doctqs Democratic National Convention Nomination Acceptance Speech (29 August 2008)] * By the way, I've been called worse on the basketball court. Its not a big deal. ** Response to remarks by Alaska governor [[Sarah Palin]] (4 September)] * I hope you guys are up for a fight. I hope you guys are game because I haven’t been putting up with 19 months of airplanes and hotel food and missing my babies and my wife — I didn’t put up for that stuff just to come in second. ** To supporters at a fund-raising party at [[Jon Bon Jovi]]'s mansion in Duryea, Pennsylvania, (5 September 2008) ** [http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/09/06/obama-i-dont-believe-in-coming-in-second/ "Obama: 'I Don't Believe in Coming in Second'" by Jeff Zeleny (6 September 2008)] * Let's not play games. What I was suggesting — you're absolutely right that John McCain has not talked about my Muslim faith. ** [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2008/sep/07/obama-verbal-slip-fuels-his-critics/?page=all "Obama's verbal slip fuels his critics"] by Christina Bellantoni, ''The Washington Times'' (7 September 2008) * I don't think me calling House Republican members would have been that helpful. I tend not to be that persuasive on that side of the aisle. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/Vote2008/story?id=5922487&page=1 Interview with ''ABC News'' (10 October 2008)] * I know these are difficult times. I know folks are worried. But I also know that now is not the time for fear or panic. Now is the time for resolve and steady leadership. Because I know we can steer ourselves out of [[w:2008–2012 global recession|this crisis]]. This is a nation that has faced down [[w:World War II|war]] and [[w:Great Depression|depression]]; great challenges and great threats. We have seen always [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I.27ve_Been_to_the_Mountaintop_.281968.29|that mountaintop]] from the deepest valley. We have always risen to the moment when the moment was hard – and we can do it again. We can restore confidence in our economy and renew that fundamental belief – that '''here in America, our destiny is not written for us, but by us.''' ** [http://www.phawker.com/2008/10/11/obama-our-destiny-is-not-written-for-us-but-by-us/ OBAMA: ‘Our Destiny Is Not Written For Us, But By Us’, STARS AND STRIPES: Rally For Change, Progress Plaza, Philadelphia, 8 AM, (10 October 2008)] * It is absolutely critical that we understand this is not just a challenge, it's an opportunity, because if we create a new energy economy, we can create five million new jobs, easily, here in the United States. <br> It can be an engine that drives us into the future the same way the computer was the engine for [[economic growth]] over the last couple of decades. <br> And we can do it, but we're going to have to make an investment. The same way the computer was originally invented by a bunch of government scientists who were trying to figure out, for defense purposes, how to communicate, we've got to understand that this is a national security issue, as well. <br> And that's why we've got to make some investments and I've called for investments in solar, wind, geothermal. ** Comments on energy and environmental policies, in the [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/10/07/presidential.debate.transcript Second Presidential Debate (7 October 2008)] * My attitude is that if the economy's good for folks from the bottom up, it's gonna be good for everybody … I think when you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody. ** [http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/10/13/obama-plumber-plan-spread-wealth/comments/ Comments at an Ohio campaign stop (13 October 2008)] * So we pulled up to this diner, where people told us that we could get some good pie. And I like pie. Do you like pie too? So, we go in there, and we say, "Oh, what kind of pie you got?' And they didn't have sweet potato pie, they didn't have pumpkin pie. They had some cream pies mostly, which is OK with me. So, I got some coconut cream pie. And Governor Strickland, he got lemon meringue pie. <br> So while we're waiting for our pie, the staff come and they want to take a picture with me because they say, you know, the owner of this dinner is a staunch die-hard Republican, so we want to kind of tease him a little bit by getting this picture with you. So we're taking this picture and suddenly the owner comes out with the pie. And he looks at me and I say, "Sir, I understand that you are a die-hard Republican." He says, "That's right." I said, "How's business?" He said, "Not so good." He said, "My customer, they can't afford to eat out anymore." I said, "Who's been in charge of the economy for the last eight years?" He said, "Republicans." I said, "You know, if you kept on hitting your head against a wall over and over again and it started to hurt, at some point would you stop hitting your head against the wall?" He said, "You've got a point." ** [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0810/16/cnr.04.html At a rally in Londonberry, New Hampshire (16 October 2008)] * Contrary to the rumors that you've heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on [[w:Krypton (comics)|Krypton]] and sent here by my father, [[w:Jor-El|Jor-El]], to save the planet [[Earth]]. ** Joking in a [http://www.truveo.com/Obama-Im-From-Krypton-My-Father-Was-JorEl/id/2710091678 speech at the Al Smith Dinner in New York City (17 October 2008)]; making allusions [[Jesus]] and [[Superman]], in regard to impossibly high expectations of what he might do as president. * It is true that I want to roll back the Bush tax cuts on the very wealthiest Americans and go back to the rate that they paid under Bill Clinton. John McCain calls that socialism. What he forgets, conveniently, is that just a few years ago, he himself said those Bush tax cuts were irresponsible. He said he couldn't in good conscience support tax cuts where the benefit went to the wealthy at the expense of middle class Americans who most need the tax relief. That's his quote. Well, he was right then, and I am right now. ** [http://www.baynews9.com/content/36/2008/10/20/394027.html Comments at a campaign rally in Tampa; Florida (20 October 2008)] * What Senator McCain has lately been suggesting is that somehow I'm going to take money from people making over $250,000, and give it to people who "pay no taxes". What he's confusing is the fact that even if you don't pay income tax, there are a lot of people who don't pay income tax, but you're still paying a whole lot of other taxes. You're paying payroll tax, which is a huge burden on a lot of middle-income families. You're paying sales taxes. You're paying property taxes. There are a whole host of taxes that you're paying. So when we provide an offset to the waitress or the janitor, these folks are ''working''. This isn't some giveaway to people who are on welfare. This is giving help to people who are working hard every day. ** [http://www-tc.pbs.org/newshour/rss/media/2008/10/21/20081021_wrap.mp3 Remarks at a a rally in Lake Worth, Florida (21 October 2008)] [[File:Barack Obama at Las Vegas Presidential Forum.jpg|thumbnail|I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage.]] * I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that’s not what America’s about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don’t contract them. ** As quoted in [http://www.mtv.com/news/1598407/barack-obama-answers-your-questions-about-gay-marriage-paying-for-college-more/ "Barack Obama Answers Your Questions About Gay Marriage, Paying For College, More" at ''MTV News'' (1 November 2008)] * She was somebody who was a very humble person and a very plain spoken person. She's one of those quiet heroes that we have all across America&nbsp;... They're not famous, their names aren't in the newspapers. But, each and every day, they work hard. They look after their families. They sacrifice for their children and their grandchildren. They aren't seeking the limelight. All they try to do is just do the right thing. And in this crowd, there are a lot of quiet heroes like that—mothers and fathers, grandparents who have worked hard and sacrificed all their lives, and the satisfaction that they get is seeing that their children and maybe their grandchildren or their great-children live a better life than they did. And that's what America is about. That's what we're fighting for. And North Carolina, with just one more day, we have the opportunity to honor all of those quiet heroes all across America and all across North Carolina. We can bring change to America to make sure that their work and their sacrifice is honored. That's what we're fighting for. ** Obama speaking about his grandmother [[w:Madelyn Dunham|Madelyn Dunham]] at a campaign rally in Charlotte, North Carolina (3 November 2008) [[File:Obama with the 2010 awardees for the Excellence in Science, Mathematics and Engineering Mentoring.jpg|thumb|Promoting [[science]] isn't just about providing resources, it's about [[protecting]] [[free]] and open [[inquiry]]. It's about ensuring that [[facts]] and [[evidence]] are never twisted or obscured by [[politics]] or [[ideology]]. It's about listening to what our scientists have to say, even when it's inconvenient, especially when it's inconvenient. Because the highest [[purpose]] of science is the search for [[knowledge]], [[truth]] and a [[greater]] [[understanding]] of the [[world]] around us.]] * I have spoken to all of them who are living. I didn't want to get into a Nancy Reagan thing about doing any séances. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/3406298/Barack-Obama-apologises-to-Nancy-Reagan-after-first-gaffe-as-President-Elect.html "Barack Obama apologises to Nancy Reagan after first gaffe as President-Elect"] Tim Shipman, ''Telegraph'', 08 Nov 2008. Context: Obama mentioned the fact Nancy Reagan supposedly had spiritual sessions to talk with her late husband Ronald Reagan and used an astrologer to draw up her husband's schedule after the assassination attempt against him in 1981. *I have never seen anyone [[Flag burning|burn a flag]]. And if I did, it would take every ounce of restraint I had not to haul off and hit them. **As quoted in [http://www.wsj.com/articles/SB122835767216478251 "The Constitution, Designed to Change, Rarely Does"] (4 December 2008), by Jennifer S. Forsyth, ''The Wall Street Journal'' * The truth is that, promoting science isn't just about providing resources, it's about protecting free and open inquiry. It's about ensuring that facts and evidence are never twisted or obscured by politics or ideology. It's about listening to what our scientists have to say, even when it's inconvenient, especially when it's inconvenient. Because the highest purpose of science is the search for knowledge, truth and a greater understanding of the world around us. That will be my goal as President of the United States, and I could not have a better team to guide me in this work. ** [http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/barackobama/barackobamaweeklytransition7.htm President-elect Obama's Weekly Address (20 December 2008)] ==== [[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama on New Hampshire Primary Night|Yes, we can speech]] (January 2008) ==== :<small> [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/08/us/politics/08text-obama.html?_r=1&pagewanted=print Delivered] at the [[w:New Hampshire Democratic primary, 2008|New Hampshire Democratic primary]] on [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe751kMBwms 8 January 2008]</small> [[File:Barack Obama at NH.jpg|thumb| The battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change. [...] we are not as divided as our politics suggests [...] we are one people, we are one nation. And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, [[w:America the Beautiful|from sea to shining sea]]: Yes, we can.]] * We know '''the battle ahead will be long, but always remember that no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.''' We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. They will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks and months to come. We've been asked to pause for a reality check; '''we've been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope. For when we have faced down impossible odds; when we've been told we're not ready, or that we shouldn't try, or that we can't, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: [[w:Barack_Obama_presidential_campaign,_2008#Slogan|Yes we can]].''' * It was a creed written into the [[w:United States Constitution|founding documents]] [[w:United States Bill of Rights|that declared]] [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|the destiny of a nation]]. : Yes we can. : It was whispered by [[w:Slavery in the United States|slaves]] and [[w:Abolitionism|abolitionists]] as they blazed a trail towards freedom through the darkest of nights. : Yes we can. : It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and [[w:Manifest destiny|pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness]]. : Yes we can. : It was the call of workers who organized; [[w:Women's suffrage in the United States|women who reached for the ballot]]; [[w:John F. Kennedy|a President]] [[w:Apollo program|who chose the moon]] as our [[w:New Frontier|new frontier]]; and [[w:Martin Luther King, Jr.|a King]] [[w:I've Been to the Mountaintop|who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the Promised Land]]. : Yes we can to justice and equality. Yes we can to opportunity and prosperity. Yes we can heal this nation. Yes we can repair this world. Yes we can. * And so tomorrow, as we take the [[w:Democratic Party presidential primaries, 2008|campaign]] [[w:Southern United States|South]] and [[w:Westrn United States|West]]; as we learn that the struggles of the textile workers in [[w:Spartanburg, South Carolina|Spartanburg]] are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in [[w:Las Vegas|Las Vegas]]; that the hopes of the little girl who goes to a crumbling school in [[w:Dillon, South Carolina|Dillon]] are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of [[w:Los Angeles|L.A.]]; we will remember that there is something happening in America; that '''we are not as divided as our politics suggests'''; that '''we are one people, we are one nation. And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, [[w:America the Beautiful|from sea to shining sea]]: Yes, we can.''' ==== [[w:A More Perfect Union (speech)|A More Perfect Union]] (March 2008) ==== :<small> [[s:A More Perfect Union|Speech on race relations]]; Delivered at [[w:National Constitution Center|the National Constitution Center]] across from [[w:Independence Hall|Independence Hall]] in [[w:Philadelphia|Philadelphia, PA]] [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWe7wTVbLUU (18 March 2008)].</small> [[File:20081102 Obama-Springsteen Rally in Cleveland.JPG|thumb| We cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together — unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction — towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.]] * "We the people, in order to form a more perfect union." <br> Two hundred and twenty one years ago, in a hall that still stands across the street, a group of men gathered and, with these simple words, launched America's improbable experiment in democracy. * '''The document they produced was''' eventually signed, but ultimately unfinished. It was stained by this nation's original sin of [[w:slavery in the United States|slavery]], a question that divided the colonies and brought the convention to a stalemate until the founders chose to allow the slave trade to continue for at least twenty more years, and to leave any final resolution to future generations. <br> Of course, the answer to the slavery question was already embedded within our [[w:United States Constitution|Constitution]] - '''a Constitution that had at its very core the ideal of equal citizenship under the law; a Constitution that promised its people liberty, and justice, and a union that could be and should be perfected over time.''' <br> And yet words on a parchment would not be enough to deliver slaves from bondage, or provide men and women of every color and creed their full rights and obligations as citizens of the United States. What would be needed were Americans in successive generations who were willing to do their part - through protests and struggles, on the streets and in the courts, through a [[w:American Civil War|civil war]] and [[w:civil disobedience|civil disobedience]], and always at great risk - to narrow that gap between the promise of our ideals and the reality of their time. * This was one of the tasks we set forth at the beginning of this presidential campaign: to continue the long march of those who came before us, a march for a more just, more equal, more free, more caring and more prosperous America. I chose to run for the presidency at this moment in history because I believe deeply that '''we cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together — unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction — towards a better future for of children and our grandchildren.''' * For the men and women of Reverend Wright's generation, the memories of humiliation and doubt and fear have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician's own failings. <br> And occasionally it finds voice in the church on Sunday morning, in the pulpit and in the pews. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear that anger in some of Reverend Wright's sermons simply reminds us of the old truism that the most segregated hour in American life occurs on Sunday morning. That anger is not always productive; indeed, all too often it distracts attention from solving real problems; it keeps us from squarely facing our own complicity in our condition, and prevents the African-American community from forging the alliances it needs to bring about real change. But the anger is real; it is powerful; and to simply wish it away, to condemn it without understanding its roots, only serves to widen the chasm of misunderstanding that exists between the races. * The church contains in full the kindness and cruelty, the fierce intelligence and the shocking ignorance, the struggles and successes, the love and yes, the bitterness and bias that make up the black experience in America. <br> And this helps explain, perhaps, my relationship with Reverend Wright. As imperfect as he may be, he has been like family to me. He strengthened my faith, officiated my wedding, and baptized my children. Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect. He contains within him the contradictions - the good and the bad - of the community that he has served diligently for so many years. <br> I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community. I can no more disown him than I can my white grandmother - a woman who helped raise me, a woman who sacrificed again and again for me, a woman who loves me as much as she loves anything in this world, but a woman who once confessed her fear of black men who passed by her on the street, and who on more than one occasion has uttered racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe. <br> These people are a part of me. And they are a part of America, this country that I love. * But for all those who scratched and clawed their way to get a piece of the [[w:American Dream|American Dream]], there were many who didn't make it - those who were ultimately defeated, in one way or another, by discrimination. That legacy of defeat was passed on to future generations - those young men and increasingly young women who we see standing on street corners or languishing in our prisons, without [[w:hope|hope]] or prospects for the future. Even for those blacks who did make it, questions of race, and racism, continue to define their [[world-view]] in fundamental ways. For the men and women of Reverend Wright’s generation, the memories of [[w:humiliation|humiliation]] and [[w:doubt|doubt]] and [[w:fear|fear]] have not gone away; nor has the anger and the bitterness of those years. <br> That anger may not get expressed in public, in front of white co-workers or white friends. But it does find voice in the barbershop, or the beauty shop, or around the kitchen table. At times, that anger is exploited by politicians, to gin up votes along racial lines, or to make up for a politician's own failing. And occasionally it finds voice in the church on Sunday morning, in the [[w:pulpit|pulpit]] and in the [[w:pew|pews]]. The fact that so many people are surprised to hear that anger in some of Reverend Wright's sermons simply reminds us of the old truism that '''the most segregated hour of American life occurs on Sunday morning.''' * It's a racial stalemate we've been stuck in for years. And contrary to the claims of some of my critics, black and white, I have never been so naïve as to believe that we can get beyond our racial divisions in a single election cycle, or with a single candidate - particularly a candidacy as imperfect as my own. <br> But I have asserted a firm conviction - a conviction rooted in my faith in God and my faith in the American people - that '''working together we can move beyond some of our old racial wounds, and''' that '''in fact we have no choice. We have no choice if we are to continue on the path of a more perfect union.''' * For the African-American community, that path means embracing the burdens of our past without becoming victims of our past. It means continuing to insist on a full measure of justice in every aspect of American life. But it also means binding our particular grievances - for better health care, and better schools, and better jobs - to the larger aspirations of all Americans: the white woman struggling to break the [[w:Glass ceiling|glass ceiling]], the white man who's been laid off, the immigrant trying to feed his family. And it means also taking full responsibility for our own lives - by demanding more from our fathers, and spending more time with our children, and reading to them, and teaching them that while they may face challenges and discrimination in their own lives, they must never succumb to despair or cynicism. They must always believe that they can write their own destiny. * In the white community, the path to a more perfect union means acknowledging that what ails the African-American community does not just exist in the minds of black people; that the legacy of discrimination - and current incidents of discrimination, while less overt than in the past - that these things are real and must be addressed. Not just with words, but with deeds by investing in our schools and our communities; by enforcing our civil rights laws and ensuring fairness in our criminal justice system; by providing this generation with ladders of opportunity that were unavailable for previous generations. It requires all Americans to realize that your dreams do not have to come at the expense of my dreams; that investing in the health, welfare, and education of black and brown and white children will ultimately help all of America prosper. * This union may never be perfect, but generation after generation has shown that it can always be perfected. And today, whenever I find myself feeling doubtful or cynical about this possibility, what gives me the most hope is the next generation — the young people whose attitudes and beliefs and openness to change have already made history in this election. * Ashley finishes her story and then goes around the room and asks everyone else why they're supporting the campaign. They all have different stories and reasons. Many bring up a specific issue. And finally they come to this elderly black man who's been sitting there quietly the entire time. And Ashley asks him why he's there. And he does not bring up a specific issue. He does not say health care or the economy. He does not say education or the war. He does not say that he was there because of Barack Obama. He simply says to everyone in the room, "I am here because of Ashley." <br> "I'm here because of Ashley." By itself, that single moment of recognition between that young white girl and that old black man is not enough. It is not enough to give health care to the sick, or jobs to the jobless, or education to our children. <br> But it is where we start. It is where our union grows stronger. And as so many generations have come to realize over the course of the two-hundred and twenty one years since a band of patriots signed that document in Philadelphia, that is where the perfection begins. ==== A World that Stands as One (July 2008) ==== :<small> [[s:Remarks of Senator Barack Obama: A World that Stands as One|Speech delivered in Berlin, Germany]] (24 July 2008)</small> [[File:Obama-2.jpg|thumb| The scale of our challenge is great. The road ahead will be long. But I come before you to say that we are heirs to a struggle for [[freedom]]. We are a people of improbable [[hope]]. With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again.]] * '''Partnership and cooperation among nations is not a choice; it is the one way, the only way, to protect our common security and advance our common humanity. That is why the greatest danger of all is to allow [[w:Berlin wall|new walls]] to divide us from one another.''' The walls between old allies on either side of the Atlantic cannot stand. The walls between the countries with the most and those with the least cannot stand. The walls between races and tribes; natives and immigrants; Christian and Muslim and Jew cannot stand. These now are the walls we must tear down. * History reminds us that walls can be torn down. But the task is never easy. '''True partnership and true progress requires constant work and sustained sacrifice. They require sharing the burdens of development and diplomacy; of progress and peace. They require allies who will listen to each other, learn from each other and, most of all, trust each other.''' * I know my country has not perfected itself. At times, we've struggled to keep [[w:United States Declaration of Independence|the promise of liberty and equality for all of our people]]. We've made our share of mistakes, and there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions. <br> But I also know how much I love America. I know that for more than two centuries, we have strived - at great cost and great sacrifice - to form [[w:Preamble_to_the_United_States_Constitution#To_form_a_more_perfect_Union|a more perfect union]]; to seek, with other nations, a more hopeful world. Our allegiance has never been to any particular tribe or kingdom - indeed, every language is spoken in our country; every culture has left its imprint on ours; every point of view is expressed in our public squares. What has always united us - what has always driven our people; what drew my father to America's shores - is a set of ideals that speak to '''aspirations shared by all people: that we can [[w:Four Freedoms|live free from fear and free from want]]; that we can [[w:Freedom of speech|speak our minds]] and [[w:Freedom of assembly|assemble with whomever we choose]] and [[w:Freedom of religion|worship as we please]].''' These are the aspirations that joined the fates of all nations in this city. '''These aspirations are bigger than anything that drives us apart.''' * People of Berlin — and people of the world — the scale of our challenge is great. The road ahead will be long. But I come before you to say that we are heirs to a struggle for [[freedom]]. '''We are a people of improbable [[hope]]. With an eye toward the future, with resolve in our hearts, let us remember this history, and answer our destiny, and remake the world once again.''' ==== Campaign speech (September 2008) ==== *I need you to go out there and talk to your friends and talk to your neighbors.<br>I want you to talk to 'em whether they're independent or whether they are Republican.<br>I want you to argue with 'em and get in their face and if they tell you 'well, we're not sure he stands on guns' I want you to say 'he believes in the second amendment'<br>If they tell you 'well he's gonna raise your taxes' you say 'no he's not he's gonna lower 'em'. You are my ambassadors. You guys are the ones who can make the case. **18 September 2008 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCMDur9CDZ4&t=25 upload to YT] ==== Election victory speech (November 2008) ==== :<small> [[s:Barack Obama's election victory speech in Chicago|Victory speech in Grant Park, Chicago, Illinois (4 November 2008)]]</small> [[File:Obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.]] [[File:Barackobamaspeaks.jpg|thumb|In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long.]] * If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer&nbsp;... It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states. <br> We are, and always will be, the United States of America. <br> It's the answer that led those who've been told for so long by so many to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day. <br> It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment, change has come to America. * I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you. <br> I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause. <br> It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep. <br> It drew strength from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americans who volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centuries later a government of the people, by the people, and for the people has not perished from the Earth. <br> This is your victory. <br> And I know you didn't do this just to win an election. And I know you didn't do it for me. <br> You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime — two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. <br> Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. * The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. <br> I promise you, we as a people will get there. * There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president. And we know the government can't solve every problem. <br> But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. * This victory alone is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. <br> It can't happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spirit of sacrifice. <br> So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, of responsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves but each other. * In this country, we rise or fall as one nation, as one people. Let's resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. * To those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright: Tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope. * This is our moment. This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can. <br> Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America. === 2009 === * Elections have consequences, and at the end of the day, I won. So I think on that one I trump you. ** To Eric Cantor<ref>{{Cite journal|last=Cantor|first=Eric|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/14/opinion/sunday/eric-cantor-what-the-obama-presidency-looked-like-to-the-opposition.html|title=Opinion {{!}} Eric Cantor: What the Obama Presidency Looked Like to the Opposition|journal=The New York Times|date=2017-01-14|language=en-US|issn=0362-4331|subscription=yes|accessdate=2025-07-16}}</ref> * Transparency and the rule of law will be the touchstones of this presidency. ** At the signing of executive orders on first full day as president, as reported in [http://www.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/01/21/obama.business/index.html"Vowing transparency, Obama OKs ethics guidelines" at ''CNN.com'' (21 January 2009)] * Guantanamo will be closed no later than one year from now. ** [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/barackobama/4316784/Barack-Obama-signs-order-to-close-Guantnamo-Bay-prison-camp.html "Barack Obama signs order to close Guantánamo Bay prison camp", ''The Telegraph'' (22 January 2009)] * You can't just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done. ** In reference to an attack on him by [[Rush Limbaugh]] who declared that he hoped Barack Obama would fail as president. [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/barackobama/4331839/Barack-Obama-picks-a-fight-with-Rush-Limbaugh-as-bipartisan-spirit-crumbles.html "Barack Obama picks a fight with Rush Limbaugh as bipartisan spirit crumbles" in ''The Times'' (24 January 2009)] * Look, I'm at the start of my administration. One nice thing about the situation I find myself in is that '''I will be held accountable'''. You know, I've got four years. A year from now I think people are going to see that we're starting to make some progress. But there's still going to be some pain out there. '''If I don't have this done in three years, then there's going to be a one-term proposition.''' ** [http://cnsnews.com/news/article/flashback-obama-my-presidency-will-be-one-term-proposition-if-economy-doesnt-turn-3 FLASHBACK: Obama: My Presidency Will Be ‘A One-Term Proposition’ If Economy Doesn't Turn In 3 Years (1 February 2009)] * So we have a choice to make. We can once again let Washington's bad habits stand in the way of progress. Or we can pull together and say that in America, our destiny isn't written for us but by us. We can place good ideas ahead of old ideological battles, and a sense of purpose above the same narrow partisanship. We can act boldly to turn crisis into opportunity and, together, write the next great chapter in our history and meet the test of our time. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/02/04/AR2009020403174.html "The Action Americans Need" in ''The Washington Post'' (5 February 2009), p. A17] * Then you get the argument, "Well, this is not a stimulus bill, this is a spending bill." What do you think a stimulus is? That's the whole point! No, seriously, that's the point! ** Speech to Democrats in Virginia about the [[w:American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009|American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009]] (5 February 2009) - [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJDwbfbpRnQ&feature=related YouTube video] * So tonight, I ask every American to commit to at least one year or more of higher education or career training. This can be a community college or a four-year school, vocational training or an apprenticeship. But whatever the training may be, every American will need to get more than a high school diploma. ** First address to Congress (24 February 2009) * But while our economy may be weakened and our confidence shaken; though we are living through difficult and uncertain times, tonight I want every American to know this: '''We will rebuild, we will recover, and the United States of America will emerge stronger than before.''' ** First address to Congress (24 February 2009) *I've been practicing. I bowled a 129, It was like special olympics or something. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HOBTUCv4o0 The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, asked by Mr. Leno if he had been practicing bowling in his Washington Office] (March 2009) "YouTube" [[File:P112912PS-0444 - President Barack Obama and Mitt Romney in the Oval Office - crop.jpg|thumb|We have a choice. We can shape our future, or let events shape it for us. And if we want to succeed, we can't fall back on the stale debates and old divides that won't move us forward.]] [[File:Barack Obama with his niece Savita in the Oval Office.jpg|thumb|Don’t shortchange the future, because of fear in the present.]] * Our immediate task, however, is the critical work of confronting [[w:2008–2012 global recession|the economic crisis]]. As I've said, we've passed through an era of profound irresponsibility; now we cannot afford half-measures, and we cannot go back to the kind of risk-taking that leads to bubbles that inevitably bust. So '''we have a choice. We can shape our future, or let events shape it for us. And if we want to succeed, we can't fall back on the stale debates and old divides that won't move us forward.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=85953&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the United Kingdom in London, England," April 1, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * '''Don’t shortchange the future, because of fear in the present.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=85953&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Gordon Brown of the United Kingdom in London, England," April 1, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * I believe in American exceptionalism, just as I suspect that the Brits believe in British exceptionalism and the Greeks believe in Greek exceptionalism. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/news-conference-president-obama-4042009 News Conference By President Obama at Palaiz de la Musique et Des Congres in Strasbourg, France] (4 April 2009) * [[Manmohan Singh]] is a wise, wonderful man. ** On Manmohan Singh, (4 April 2009)[http://articles.timesofindia.indiatimes.com/2009-04-04/india/28002745_1_obama-climate-change-wonderful-man] * I've said before that one of the great strengths of the United States is--'''although''', as I mentioned, '''we have a very large Christian population, we do not consider ourselves a Christian nation or a Jewish nation or a Muslim nation; we consider ourselves a nation of citizens who are bound by ideals and a set of values.''' ** [[Barack Obama]]: [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=85974&st=&st1= "The President's News Conference With President Abdullah Gul of Turkey in Ankara, Turkey," April 6, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] [[File:Istanbul,_Hagia_Sophia,_Allah.jpg|thumbnail|We will convey our deep appreciation for the Islamic faith, which has done so much over the centuries to shape the world – including in my own country.]] * We will convey our deep appreciation for the Islamic faith, which has done so much over the centuries to shape the world – including in my own country. The United States has been enriched by Muslim Americans. Many other Americans have Muslims in their families or have lived in a Muslim-majority country – I know, because I am one of them. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-By-President-Obama-To-The-Turkish-Parliament Remarks by President Obama to the Turkish Parliament] (April 6, 2009) * Now, before I begin, I'd just like to clear the air about that little controversy everybody was talking about a few weeks back. I have to tell you, I really thought this was much ado about nothing, but I do think we all learned an important lesson. I learned never again to pick another team over the Sun Devils in my NCAA brackets. It won't happen again. President Crow and the board of regents will soon learn all about being audited by the IRS. ** [http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/DCPD-200900360/html/DCPD-200900360.htm Commencement Address at Arizona State University in Tempe, Arizona] (13 May 2009) * If you actually took the number of Muslims Americans, we'd be one of the largest Muslim countries in the world. ** Interview with Laura Haim, [[w:Canal+|Canal Plus]], France.[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Transcript-of-the-Interview-of-the-President-by-Laura-Haim-Canal-Plus-6-1-09/], White House Library (1 June 2009) * If you like the plan you have, you can keep it. If you like the doctor you have, you can keep your doctor, too. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/WEEKLY-ADDRESS-President-Obama-Outlines-Goals-for-Health-Care-Reform/ President's weekly address (6 June 2009)] *<p>But what we can do is make sure that at least some of the waste that exists in the system that's not making anybody's mom better, that is loading up on additional tests or additional drugs that the evidence shows is not necessarily going to improve care, that at least we can let doctors know and your mom know, that you know what, maybe this isn't going to help, maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller.</p><p>And those kinds of decisions between doctors and patients, and making sure that our incentives are not preventing those good decisions and that the doctors and hospitals all are aligned for patient care — that's something we can achieve.</p> ** {{citation |date=2009-06-24 |title=Questions for the President: Prescription for America |publisher=ABC News |medium=TV |url=http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/HealthCare/story?id=7920012 }}<!--also at: http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-By-The-President-In-ABC-Prescription-For-America-Town-Hall-On-Health-Care-6-24-09--> [[File:Barack Obama after speaking to Parliament of Ghana 2009-07-11.jpg|thumb|No person wants to live in a society where the rule of law gives way to the rule of brutality and bribery. This—that is not democracy; that is tyranny, even if occasionally you sprinkle an election in there. [...] The essential truth of democracy is that each nation determines its own destiny.]] [[File:Barack Obama in Cape Coast Castle.jpg|thumb|While the future is unknowable, the winds always blow in the direction of human progress.]] * As I said in Cairo, '''each nation gives life to democracy in its own way and in line with its own traditions. But history offers a clear verdict: Governments that respect the will of their own people, that govern by consent, and not coercion, are more prosperous, they are more stable, and more successful than governments that do not.''' This is about more than just holding elections; it's also about what happens between elections. Repression can take many forms, and too many nations, even those that have elections, are plagued by problems that condemn their people to poverty. And '''no country is going to create wealth if its leaders exploit the economy to enrich themselves''', or if police can be bought off by drug traffickers. No business wants to invest in a place where the government skims 20 percent off the top, or the head of the port authority is corrupt. '''No person wants to live in a society where the rule of law gives way to the rule of brutality and bribery. This—that is not [[democracy]]; that is [[tyranny]], even if occasionally you sprinkle an election in there.''' And now is the time for that style of governance to end. In the 21st century, '''capable, reliable, and transparent institutions are the key to success: strong Parliaments; honest police forces; independent judges; an independent press; a vibrant private sector; a civil society. Those are the things that give life to democracy, because that is what matters in people's everyday lives.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=86395&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Address to the Ghanaian Parliament in Accra, Ghana," July 11, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * Now, make no mistake: History is on the side of these brave Africans, not with those who use coups or change constitutions to stay in power. Africa doesn't need strongmen; it needs strong institutions. Now, America will not seek to impose any system of government on any other nation. '''The essential truth of [[democracy]] is that each nation determines its own destiny.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=86395&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Address to the Ghanaian Parliament in Accra, Ghana," July 11, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * We toured [[w:Cape Coast Castle|Cape Coast Castle]], a place for centuries where men, women, and children of this nation and surrounding areas were sold into slavery. I'll never forget the image of my two young daughters, the descendants of Africans and African Americans, walking through those doors of no return, but then walking back those doors of return. It was a remarkable reminder that '''while the future is unknowable, the winds always blow in the direction of human progress.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=86393&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Remarks Prior to Departure from Accra, Ghana," July 11, 2009. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * My administration has a job to do as well. That job is to get this economy back on its feet. That's my job, and it's a job I gladly accept. I love these folks who helped get us in this mess and then suddenly say, "Well this is Obama's economy." That's fine. '''GIVE IT TO ME'''. My job is to solve problems, not to stand on the sidelines and carp and gripe. So, I welcome the job. I want the responsibility. ** [http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=CQBSTomBWls President Obama, July 14, 2009] * Now, I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played in that. But I think it's fair to say, number one, any of us would be pretty angry; number two, that '''the Cambridge police acted stupidly''' in arresting somebody when there was already proof that they were in their own home; and, number three, what I think we know separate and apart from this incident is that '''there's a long history in this country of African-Americans and Latinos being stopped by law enforcement disproportionately. That's just a fact.''' ** [http://www.boston.com/news/politics/politicalintelligence/2009/07/obama_cambridge.html Press conference] addressing [[w:Henry Louis Gates arrest controversy|Henry Louis Gates's arrest by the Cambridge, MA police]]. (22 July 2009) * These rituals remind us of the principles that we hold in common, and Islam’s role in advancing justice, progress, tolerance, and the dignity of all human beings. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-of-President-Barack-Obama-in-Ramadan-Message Ramadan Message] Washington, DC (21 August 2009) * We must remember that the greatest price of this conflict is not paid by us. It is paid by the Israeli girl in Sderot who closes her eyes in fear that a rocker will take her life in the night. It is paid by he Palestinian boy in Gaza who has no clean water and no country to call his own. These are God's children. And after all of the politics and all of the posturing, this is about the right of every human being to live with dignity and security. This is a lesson embedded in the three great faiths that call one small slice of Earth the Holy Land. ** [http://un.org/ga/64/generaldebate/pdf/US_en.pdf United Nations, General Debate of the 64th Session (2009), United States of America, H.E. Mr. Barack Obama, President p. 6], (23 September 2009) * '''Democracy cannot be imposed on any nation from the outside. Each society must search for its own path, and no path is perfect.''' ** [http://un.org/ga/64/generaldebate/pdf/US_en.pdf United Nations, General Debate of the 64th Session (2009), United States of America, H.E. Mr. Barack Obama, President p. 6], 23 September 2009 * Responsibility and leadership in the 21st century demand more. In an era when our destiny is shared, power is no longer a zero sum game. No one nation can or should try to dominate another nation. No world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will succeed. No balance of power among nations will hold. ** [http://www.scpr.org/news/2009/09/23/transcript-obama-urges-nations-step/ Speech on global challenges] at the [[w:United Nations|United Nations]] (27 September 2009) * After I received the news, Malia walked in and said, "Daddy, you won the Nobel Peace Prize, and it is Bo's birthday!" And then Sasha added, "Plus, we have a three-day weekend coming up." So it's good to have kids to keep things in perspective. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the_press_office/Remarks-by-the-President-on-Winning-the-Nobel-Peace-Prize/ Remarks by the President on winning the Nobel Peace Prize (9 October 2009)] * I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Nobel Committee. Let me be clear: I do not view it as a recognition of my own accomplishments, but rather as an affirmation of American leadership on behalf of aspirations held by people in all nations. <br> To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by this prize — men and women who've inspired me and inspired the entire world through their courageous pursuit of peace. <br> But I also know that this prize reflects the kind of world that those men and women, and all Americans, want to build — a world that gives life to the promise of our founding documents. And I know that throughout history, the Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes. And that is why I will accept this award as a call to action — a call for all nations to confront the common challenges of the 21st century. ** Remarks by the President on winning the Nobel Peace Prize" (9 October 2009) * Some of the work confronting us will not be completed during my presidency. Some, like the elimination of nuclear weapons, may not be completed in my lifetime. But I know these challenges can be met so long as it's recognized that they will not be met by one person or one nation alone. This award is not simply about the efforts of my administration — it's about the courageous efforts of people around the world. ** Remarks by the President on winning the Nobel Peace Prize" (9 October 2009) * Now, what I do reject is when folks just sit on the sidelines and they're rooting for failure — whether it's on health care or energy or the economy — or the Olympics. [..] What I reject is when scoring political points is so important that you'd rather see failure. What I reject is when some folks want to go to the policies that helped get us into this mess in the first place — as if we don't remember. [..] We don't mind cleaning up the mess that was left for us. We're busy, we got our mops, we're, you know, mopping the floor here. But I don't want the folks who made the mess to just sit there and say, you're not mopping fast enough. I don't — I don't want them saying, you're not holding the mop the right way, or, that's a socialist mop. I want them to grab a mop. Grab a mop. Grab a mop — or a broom or something. Make yourself useful. ** Remarks at [[w:Chris Dodd|Chris Dodd]] fundraiser in [[w:Stamford, CT|Stamford, CT]]. [http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704224004574489530713762884.html] * As America’s first Pacific president, I promise you that this Pacific nation will strengthen and sustain our leadership in this vitally important part of the world. ** Tokyo, Japan, November 13, 2009. [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1109/29511.html] ==== First Inaugural Address (January 2009) ==== :<small>Delivered on January 20, 2009, in [[Washington, D.C.]]. [[s:Barack_Obama%27s_Inaugural_Address|Full text at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:US Navy 090120-G-3550N-106 Members of the Navy Ceremonial Honor Guard conduct a pass in review for President Barack Obama and Vice-President Joseph Biden at the U.S. Capitol during the 56th Presidential Inauguration.jpg|thumb|America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents. So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.]] [[File:US President Barack Obama taking his Oath of Office - 2009Jan20.jpg|thumb|Greatness is never a given. It must be earned.]] [[File:Obama family after inaugural address 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-3961R-968.jpg|thumb|Our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please. [...] our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.]] [[File:Crowd at National Mall for Obama inauguration 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-6184M-007a.jpg|thumb|As much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.]] [[File:Crowd on US Capitol West Lawn 1-20-09 hires 090120-F-9059M-455a.jpg|thumb|Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history.]] * Forty-four Americans have now taken the presidential oath. The words have been spoken during rising tides of prosperity and the still waters of peace. Yet, every so often the oath is taken amidst gathering clouds and raging storms. At these moments, '''America has carried on not simply because of the skill or vision of those in high office, but because We the People have remained faithful to the ideals of our forbearers, and true to our founding documents. So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans.''' * Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real. They are serious and they are many. <br> They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this, America — they will be met. On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. <br> On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn out dogmas, that for far too long have strangled our politics. * '''We remain a young nation, but in the words of [[The Bible|Scripture]], [[Bible#1_Corinthians_13|the time has come to set aside childish things]]. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: [[United States Declaration of Independence|the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free, and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.]]'''. * In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that '''greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted — for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things — some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and [[freedom]].''' [...] Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life. They saw America as bigger than the sum of our individual ambitions; greater than all the differences of birth or wealth or faction. * We remain the most prosperous, powerful nation on Earth. Our minds are no less inventive, our goods and services no less needed than they were last week or last month or last year. Our capacity remains undiminished. But our time of standing pat, of protecting narrow interests and putting off unpleasant decisions — that time has surely passed. '''Starting today, we must pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and begin again the work of remaking America.''' * For everywhere we look, there is work to be done. The state of the economy calls for action, bold and swift, and we will act — not only to create new jobs, but to lay a new foundation for growth. We will build the roads and bridges, the electric grids and digital lines that feed our commerce and bind us together. We will restore science to its rightful place, and wield technology's wonders to raise health care's quality and lower its cost. We will harness the sun and the winds and the soil to fuel our cars and run our factories. And we will transform our schools and colleges and universities to meet the demands of a new age. All this we can do. And all this we will do. * Now, there are some who question the scale of our ambitions — who suggest that our system cannot tolerate too many big plans. Their memories are short. For they have forgotten what this country has already done; what free men and women can achieve when imagination is joined to common purpose, and necessity to courage. * What the cynics fail to understand is that the ground has shifted beneath them — that the stale political arguments that have consumed us for so long no longer apply. '''The question we ask today is not whether our government is too [[w:Big government|big]] or too [[w:Small government|small]], but whether it works — whether it helps families find jobs at a decent wage, care they can afford, a retirement that is dignified.''' Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. *Where the answer is yes, we intend to move forward. Where the answer is no, programs will end. And those of us who manage the public's dollars will be held to account—to spend wisely, reform bad habits, and do our business in the light of day—because only then can we restore the vital trust between a people and their government. * Nor is the question before us whether '''the market is a force for good''' or ill. '''Its power to generate wealth and expand freedom is unmatched, but''' [[w:Great Recession|this crisis]] has reminded us that '''without a watchful eye, the market can spin out of control — and''' that '''a nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous. The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our [[w:Gross Domestic Product|Gross Domestic Product]], but on [[w:Income inequality in the United States|the reach of our prosperity]]; on our ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart — not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good.''' * '''As for our common defense, we reject as false the choice between our safety and our ideals. Our [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|Founding Fathers]], faced with perils we can scarcely imagine, drafted [[United States Constitution|a charter to assure the rule of law and the rights of man]], a charter expanded by the blood of generations. Those ideals still light the world, and we will not give them up for expedience's sake. And so to all other peoples and governments who are watching today, from the grandest capitals to the small village where my father was born: know that America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity, and that we are ready to lead once more.''' * '''Recall that earlier generations faced down [[w:Facism|fascism]] and [[w:Communism|communism]] not just with missiles and tanks, but with sturdy alliances and enduring convictions.''' They understood that '''our power alone cannot protect us, nor does it entitle us to do as we please.''' Instead, they knew that '''our power grows through its prudent use; our security emanates from the justness of our cause, the force of our example, the tempering qualities of humility and restraint.''' * '''We will not apologize for our way of life, nor will we waver in its defense, and for those who seek to advance their aims by inducing terror and slaughtering innocents, we say to you now that our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken; you cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you. <br> For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness. We are a nation of [[Christianity|Christians]] and [[Islam|Muslims]], [[Judaism|Jews]] and [[Hinduism|Hindus]] — and non-believers. We are shaped by every language and culture, drawn from every end of this Earth; and because we have tasted the bitter swill of civil war and segregation, and emerged from that dark chapter stronger and more united, we cannot help but believe that the old hatreds shall someday pass; that the lines of tribe shall soon dissolve; that as the world grows smaller, our common humanity shall reveal itself; and that America must play its role in ushering in a new era of [[peace]].''' * '''To those leaders around the globe who seek to sow conflict, or blame their society's ills on the West — know that your people will judge you on what you can build, not what you destroy. To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history; but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.''' * We can no longer afford indifference to suffering outside our borders; nor can we consume the world's resources without regard to effect. For '''the world has changed, and we must change with it.''' * As we consider the road that unfolds before us, we remember with humble gratitude those brave [[w:Iraq War|Americans who, at this very hour, patrol far-off deserts]] and [[w:War in Afghanistan (2001–present)|distant mountains]]. They have something to tell us today, just as the [[w:Arlington National Cemetery|fallen heroes who lie in Arlington]] whisper through the ages. <br> We honor them not only because they are guardians of our liberty, but because they embody the spirit of service; a willingness to find meaning in something greater than themselves. And yet, at this moment — a moment that will define a generation — it is precisely this spirit that must inhabit us all. <br> For '''as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies.''' * '''Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new. But those values upon which our success depends — hard work and honesty, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism — these things are old. These things are true. They have been the quiet force of progress throughout our history. What is demanded then is a return to these truths. What is required of us now is a new era of responsibility — a recognition, on the part of every American, that we have duties to ourselves, our nation, and the world, duties that we do not grudgingly accept but rather seize gladly, firm in the knowledge that there is nothing so satisfying to the spirit, so defining of our character, than giving our all to a difficult task.''' * '''With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations.''' ==== [[w:A World without Nuclear Weapons|A World without Nuclear Weapons]] (April 2009) ==== :<small> Delivered on April 5, 2009 at [[w:Hradčany|Hradcany Square]] in [[w:Prague|Prague]], [[w:Czech Republic|Czech Republic]]. [[s:Barack Obama's speech announcing the goal of Total Nuclear Disarmament|Full text at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Barack Obama looks at the moon and Venus.jpg|thumb|Human destiny will be what we make of it. [...] Let us honor our past by reaching for a better future. Let us bridge our divisions, build upon our hopes, accept our responsibility to leave this world more prosperous and more peaceful than we found it. Together we can do it.]] * We're here today because of the courage of those who stood up, and took risks, to say that '''[[freedom]] is a right for all people, no matter what side of a wall they live on, and no matter what they look like.''' We are here today because of the [[w:Prague Spring|Prague Spring]] -- because the simple and principled pursuit of liberty and opportunity shamed those who relied on the power of tanks and arms to put down the will of a people. We are here today because 20 years ago, the people of this city, took to the streets to claim the promise of a new day, and the [[w:History of Czechoslovakia (1948–1989)|fundamental human rights that had been denied them for far too long]]. ''Sametová Revoluce''--the [[w:Velvet Revolution|Velvet Revolution]] taught us many things. It showed us that [[w:Revolutions of 1989#Czechoslovakia|peaceful protest could shake the foundations of an empire]] and expose [[w:Communism|the emptiness of an ideology]]. It showed us that [[w:Revolutions_of_1989|small countries can play a pivotal role in world events]] and that [[w:Cold War#Final_years_.281985.E2.80.9391.29|young people can lead the way in overcoming old conflicts]]. And it proved that '''moral leadership is more powerful than any weapon.''' * None of these challenges can be solved quickly or easily. But all of them demand that we listen to one another and work together; that we focus on our common interests, not on occasional differences; and that we reaffirm our shared values, which are stronger than any force that could drive us apart. That is the work that we must carry on. * Now, I know that there are some who will question whether we can act on such a broad agenda. There are those who doubt whether true international cooperation is possible, given inevitable differences among nations. And there are those who hear talk of a world without nuclear weapons and doubt whether it's worth setting a goal that seems impossible to achieve. <br> But make no mistake: We know where that road leads. '''When nations and peoples allow themselves to be defined by their differences, the gulf between them widens. When we fail to pursue [[peace]], then it stays forever beyond our grasp. We know the path when we choose fear over hope. To denounce or shrug off a call for cooperation is an easy but also a cowardly thing to do. That's how [[war]]s begin. That's where human progress ends.''' * '''There is violence and injustice in our world that must be confronted. We must confront it not by splitting apart but by standing together as free nations, as free people. I know that a call to arms can stir the souls of men and women more than a call to lay them down. But that is why the voices for peace and progress must be raised together.''' * '''Human destiny will be what we make of it.''' And here in Prague, '''let us honor our past by reaching for a better future. Let us bridge our divisions, build upon our hopes, accept our responsibility to leave this world more prosperous and more peaceful than we found it. Together we can do it.''' ==== [[w:A New Beginning|A New Beginning]] (June 2009) ==== :<small> [[w:Cairo University|Cairo University]], [[w:Cairo|Cairo]], [[w:Egypt|Egypt]] (4 June 2009), [[s:A New Beginning|Full text at Wikisource]]</small> [[File:Barack Obama at Cairo University cropped.jpg|thumb|The interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart. [...] If we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward.]] [[File:Poor mother and children, Oklahoma, 1936 by Dorothea Lange.jpg|thumb|No development strategy can be based only upon what comes out of the ground, nor can it be sustained while young people are out of work.]] [[File:Barack Obama speaks in Cairo, Egypt 06-04-09.jpg|thumb|Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.]] [[File:Obama family in mist in Rio de Janeiro.jpg|thumb|People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind, and the heart, and the soul. This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive [...].]] [[File:Face paint girls.jpg|thumb|A woman who is denied an education is denied equality. [...] Our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons. Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity - men and women - to reach their full potential.]] [[File:The Earth seen from Apollo 17.jpg|thumb|All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort - a sustained effort - to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.]] * '''So long as our relationship is defined by our differences, we will empower those who sow hatred rather than peace, those who promote conflict rather than the co-operation that can help all of our people achieve justice and prosperity. This cycle of suspicion and discord must end.''' * I have come here to Cairo to seek a new beginning between the [[United States]] and [[Muslim]]s around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that America and Islam are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles - principles of [[justice]] and [[progress]]; [[tolerance]] and the [[dignity]] of all human beings. * I am convinced that '''in order to move forward, we must say openly to each other the things we hold in our [[heart]]s, and that too often are said only behind closed doors. There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground.''' * As the Holy [[Koran]] tells us: "Be conscious of [[God]] and speak always the [[truth]]." That is what I will try to do today - to speak the truth as best I can, humbled by the task before us, and firm in my belief that '''the interests we share as human beings are far more powerful than the forces that drive us apart.''' [[File:Men reading the Koran in Umayyad Mosque, Damascus, Syria.jpg|thumbnail|As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam.]] * As a student of history, I also know civilization's debt to Islam. * Throughout history, Islam has demonstrated through words and deeds the possibilities of religious tolerance and racial equality. [[File:Barack Obama at Cairo University.jpg|thumbnail|Islam has always been a part of America's story.]] * Islam has always been a part of America's story. * '''So I have known Islam on three continents before coming to the region where it was first [[revealed]].''' That experience guides my conviction that partnership between America and Islam must be based on what Islam is, not what it isn't. And I consider it part of my responsibility as President of the United States to fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear. * Of course, '''recognising our common humanity is only the beginning of our task. Words alone cannot meet the needs of our people. These needs will be met only if we act boldly in the years ahead; and if we understand that the challenges we face are shared, and our failure to meet them will hurt us all.''' * I believe that America holds within her the truth that regardless of race, [[religion]], or station in life, '''all of us share common aspirations - to live in [[peace]] and security; to get an education and to work with dignity; to love our families, our communities, and our God. These things we share. This is the hope of all humanity.''' * '''Given our interdependence, any [[world]] order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will inevitably fail. So whatever we think of the [[past]], we must not be prisoners to it. Our problems must be dealt with through partnership; progress must be shared.''' * Islam is not part of the problem in combating violent extremism; it is an important part of promoting peace. * '''For peace to come, it is time for''' them - and '''all of us''' - '''to live up to our responsibilities.''' * Around the world, the [[w:Persecution of Jews|Jewish people were persecuted for centuries]], and [[w:Antisemitism|anti-Semitism]] in [[w:Christianity and antisemitism|Europe]] culminated in an unprecedented [[w:The Holocaust|Holocaust]]. Tomorrow, I will visit [[w:Buchenwald concentration camp|Buchenwald]], which was part of a network of camps where [[w:Jews|Jews]] were enslaved, tortured, shot and gassed to death by the [[w:Nazi Germany|Third Reich]]. Six million Jews were killed -- more than the entire Jewish population of Israel today. Denying that fact is baseless, it is ignorant, and it is hateful. '''Threatening [[Israel]] with destruction or repeating vile stereotypes about Jews is deeply wrong, and only serves to evoke in the minds of Israelis this most painful of memories, while preventing the peace that the people of this region deserve. On the other hand, it is also undeniable that the [[w:Palestinian people|Palestinian people]] -- [[w:Muslims|Muslims]] and [[w:Christians|Christians]] -- have suffered in pursuit of a homeland.''' For more than sixty years they have endured the pain of dislocation. Many wait in refugee camps in the West Bank, Gaza, and neighboring lands for a life of peace and security that they have never been able to lead. They endure the daily humiliations large and small that come with [[w: Israeli Occupation of Palestine|occupation]]. So let there be no doubt: '''the situation for the Palestinian people is intolerable.''' * '''[[Resistance]] through violence and killing is wrong and does not succeed.''' For centuries, [[w:Slavery in the United States|black people in America suffered the lash of the whip as slaves]] and [[w:Racial segregation in the United States|the humiliation of segregation]]. But it was not violence that won full and equal rights. It was [[w:African-American Civil Rights Movement (1955–1968)|a peaceful and determined insistence]] upon [[United States Declaration of Independence|the ideals at the centre of America's founding]]. This same story can be told by people from [[w:Internal resistance to South African apartheid|South Africa]] to [[w:People Power Revolution|South Asia]]; from [[w:Revolutions of 1989|Eastern Europe]] to [[w:Fall of Suharto|Indonesia]]. It's a story with a simple truth: '''[[violence]] is a dead end. It is a sign of neither courage nor power to shoot rockets at sleeping children, or to blow up old women on a bus. That is not how moral authority is claimed; that is how it is surrendered.''' * I know there has been controversy about the [[w:American democracy promotion in the Middle East and North Africa|promotion of democracy in recent years]], and much of this controversy is connected to the [[w:Iraq war |war in Iraq]]. So let me be clear: '''no system of government can or should be imposed upon one nation by any other.''' <br> That does not lessen my commitment, however, to governments that reflect the will of the people. Each nation gives life to this principle in its own way, grounded in the traditions of its own people. America does not presume to know what is best for everyone, just as we would not presume to pick the outcome of a peaceful election. But I do have an unyielding belief that '''all people yearn for certain things: the ability to speak your mind and have a say in how you are governed; confidence in the rule of law and the equal administration of justice; government that is transparent and doesn't steal from the people; the freedom to live as you choose. Those are not just American ideas, they are human rights''', and that is why we will support them everywhere. <br> Now, there is no straight line to realise this promise. But this much is clear: '''governments that protect these rights are ultimately more stable, successful and secure.''' * '''Suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.''' America respects the right of all peaceful and law-abiding voices to be heard around the world, even if we disagree with them. And we will welcome all elected, peaceful governments - provided they govern with respect for all their people. <br> This last point is important because there are some who advocate for democracy only when they are out of power; once in power, they are ruthless in suppressing the rights of others. No matter where it takes hold, [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_Gettysburg_Address_.281863.29|government of the people and by the people]] sets a single standard for all who hold power: '''you must maintain your power through consent, not coercion; you must respect the rights of minorities, and participate with a spirit of tolerance and compromise; you must place the interests of your people and the legitimate workings of the political process above your party. Without these ingredients, elections alone do not make true [[democracy]].''' [[File:President Barack Obama speaks in Cairo, Egypt 06-04-09.jpg|thumbnail|Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance.]] * Islam has a proud tradition of tolerance. * '''People in every country should be free to choose and live their faith based upon the persuasion of the mind, and the heart, and the soul. This tolerance is essential for religion to thrive''', but it is being challenged in many different ways. […] '''[[Freedom of religion]] is central to the ability of peoples to live together.''' * We cannot disguise hostility towards any [[religion]] behind the pretence of liberalism. * '''A woman who is denied an education is denied equality.''' * I am convinced that '''our daughters can contribute just as much to society as our sons. Our common prosperity will be advanced by allowing all humanity - men and women - to reach their full potential. I do not believe that women must make the same choices as men in order to be equal''', and I respect those women who choose to live their lives in traditional roles. '''But it should be their choice.''' * The face of globalisation is contradictory. The internet and television can bring knowledge and information, but also offensive sexuality and mindless violence into the home. Trade can bring new wealth and opportunities, but also huge disruptions and change to communities. In all nations - including America - this change can bring fear. Fear that because of modernity we will lose of control over our economic choices, our politics, and most importantly our identities - those things we most cherish about our communities, our families, our traditions, and our faith. But I also know that human progress cannot be denied. There need not be contradictions between development and tradition. * In ancient times and in our times, Muslim communities have been at the forefront of innovation and education. * '''No development strategy can be based only upon what comes out of the ground, nor can it be sustained while young people are out of work.''' * '''All of us must recognise that education and innovation will be the currency of the 21st Century.''' * We will encourage more Americans to study in Muslim communities. * '''I know there are many - Muslim and non-Muslim - who question whether we can forge this new beginning. Some are eager to stoke the flames of division, and to stand in the way of progress. Some suggest that it isn't worth the effort - that we are fated to disagree, and civilisations are doomed to clash. Many more are simply sceptical that real change can occur. There is so much fear, so much mistrust that has build up over the years. But if we choose to be bound by the past, we will never move forward.''' And I want to particularly say '''this''' to '''young people of every faith, in every country''' - you, '''more than anyone, have the ability to reimagine the world, to remake this world.''' * '''All of us share this world for but a brief moment in time. The question is whether we spend that time focused on what pushes us apart, or whether we commit ourselves to an effort - a sustained effort - to find common ground, to focus on the future we seek for our children, and to respect the dignity of all human beings.''' * It's easier to start [[war]]s than to end them. It is easier to blame others than to look inward. It is easier to see what is different about someone than to find the things we share. But we should choose the right path, not just the easy path. '''There is [[w:Golden Rule|one rule]] that lies at the heart of every religion: that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. This truth transcends nations and peoples''', a belief that isn't new; that isn't black or white or brown; that isn't Christian, or Muslim or Jew. '''It's a belief that pulsed in the cradle of civilization, and that still beats in the heart of billions around the world. It's a faith in other people''', and it's what brought me here today. * '''We have the power to make the world we seek, but only if we have the courage to make a new beginning''', keeping in mind what has been written. :The Holy [[Koran]] tells us, "O mankind! We have created you male and a female; and we have made you into nations and tribes so that you may know one another." :The [[Talmud]] tells us, "The whole of the Torah is for the purpose of promoting peace." :The Holy [[Bible]] tells us, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." * '''The people of the world can live together in peace. We know that is God's vision. Now, that must be our work here on [[Earth]].''' ==== School speech (September 2009) ==== * But at the end of the day, we can have the most dedicated teachers, the most supportive parents, and the best schools in the world – and none of it will matter unless all of you fulfill your responsibilities. Unless you show up to those schools; pay attention to those teachers; listen to your parents, grandparents and other adults; and put in the hard work it takes to succeed. ** Arlington, Virginia September 8, 2009 ==== Town Hall meeting in Shanghai (November 2009) ==== * Well, first of all, let me say that I have never used Twitter. I noticed that young people — they're very busy with all these electronics. My thumbs are too clumsy to type in things on the phone. But I am a big believer in technology and I'm a big believer in openness when it comes to the flow of information. I think that the more freely information flows, the stronger the society becomes, because then citizens of countries around the world can hold their own governments accountable. They can begin to think for themselves. That generates new ideas. It encourages creativity. And so I've always been a strong supporter of open Internet use. I'm a big supporter of non-censorship. ** Interview in Shanghai, as quoted in [http://learning.sohu.com/20091118/n268291186.shtml ''China Daily'' (17 November 2009) * I can tell you that in the United States, the fact that we have free Internet — or unrestricted Internet access is a source of strength, and I think should be encouraged. Now, I should tell you, I should be honest, as President of the United States, there are times where I wish information didn't flow so freely because then I wouldn't have to listen to people criticizing me all the time. I think people naturally are — when they're in positions of power sometimes thinks, oh, how could that person say that about me, or that's irresponsible, or — but the truth is that because in the United States information is free, and I have a lot of critics in the United States who can say all kinds of things about me, I actually think that that makes our democracy stronger and it makes me a better leader because it forces me to hear opinions that I don't want to hear. It forces me to examine what I'm doing on a day-to-day basis to see, am I really doing the very best that I could be doing for the people of the United States. And I think the Internet has become an even more powerful tool for that kind of citizen participation. ** Interview in Shanghai, as quoted in ''China Daily'' (17 November 2009) ==== Nobel Prize acceptance speech (December 2009) ==== [[File:Gandhi smiling 1942.jpg|thumb|I am living testimony to the moral force of non-violence. I know there's nothing weak — nothing passive — nothing naïve — in the creed and lives of [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] and King.]] [[File:NATO flag.svg|thumb|The belief that peace is desirable is rarely enough to achieve it. Peace requires responsibility. Peace entails sacrifice. That's why NATO continues to be indispensable.]] [[File:Flag of the United Nations.svg|thumb|We must strengthen U.N. and regional peacekeeping, and not leave the task to a few countries.]] [[File:Martin Luther King Jr NYWTS.jpg|thumb|The non-violence practiced by men like Gandhi and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]] may not have been practical or possible in every circumstance, but the love that they preached — their fundamental faith in human progress — that must always be the North Star that guides us on our journey.]] [[File:President Barack Obama reads over his remarks regarding the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize.jpg|thumb| Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. We can do that — for that is the story of human progress; that's the hope of all the world; and at this moment of challenge, that must be our work here on Earth.]] :<small>[http://www.nytimes.com/2009/12/11/world/europe/11prexy.text.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all Address in Oslo, Norway (9 December 2009)]</small> * '''I receive this honor with deep gratitude and great humility. It is an award that speaks to our highest aspirations — that for all the cruelty and hardship of our world, we are not mere prisoners of fate. Our actions matter, and can bend history in the direction of justice.''' <br> And yet I would be remiss if I did not acknowledge the considerable controversy that your generous decision has generated. In part, this is because I am at the beginning, and not the end, of my labors on the world stage. Compared to some of the giants of history who've received this prize — [[Albert Schweitzer |Schweitzer]] and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]]; [[George Marshall|Marshall]] and [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] — my accomplishments are slight. And then there are the men and women around the world who have been jailed and beaten in the pursuit of justice; those who toil in humanitarian organizations to relieve suffering; the unrecognized millions whose quiet acts of courage and compassion inspire even the most hardened cynics. I cannot argue with those who find these men and women — some known, some obscure to all but those they help — to be far more deserving of this honor than I. <br> But perhaps the most profound issue surrounding my receipt of this prize is the fact that I am the Commander-in-Chief of the military of a nation in the midst of two wars. One of these wars is winding down. The other is a conflict that America did not seek; one in which we are joined by 42 other countries — including Norway — in an effort to defend ourselves and all nations from further attacks. <br> Still, we are at war, and I'm responsible for the deployment of thousands of young Americans to battle in a distant land. Some will kill, and some will be killed. And so I come here with an acute sense of the costs of armed conflict — filled with difficult questions about the relationship between war and peace, and our effort to replace one with the other. * Terrorism has long been a tactic, but modern technology allows a few small men with outsized rage to murder innocents on a horrific scale. * In today's wars, many more civilians are killed than soldiers; the seeds of future conflict are sown, economies are wrecked, civil societies torn asunder, refugees amassed, children scarred. <br> I do not bring with me today a definitive solution to the problems of war. What I do know is that meeting these challenges will require the same vision, hard work, and persistence of those men and women who acted so boldly decades ago. And it will require us to think in new ways about the notions of just war and the imperatives of a just peace. <br> '''We must begin by acknowledging the hard truth: We will not eradicate violent conflict in our lifetimes. There will be times when nations — acting individually or in concert — will find the use of force not only necessary but morally justified.''' <br> I make this statement mindful of what Martin Luther King Jr. said in this same ceremony years ago: "Violence never brings permanent peace. It solves no social problem: it merely creates new and more complicated ones." '''As someone who stands here as a direct consequence of Dr. King's life work, I am living testimony to the moral force of non-violence. I know there's nothing weak — nothing passive — nothing naïve — in the creed and lives of [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] and King.''' <br> But as a head of state sworn to protect and defend my nation, I cannot be guided by their examples alone. I face the world as it is, and cannot stand idle in the face of threats to the American people. For make no mistake: '''Evil does exist in the world. A non-violent movement could not have halted [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]'s armies. [[Negotiations]] cannot convince al Qaeda's leaders to lay down their arms. To say that force may sometimes be necessary is not a call to cynicism — it is a recognition of history; the imperfections of man and the limits of reason.''' * '''The world must remember that it was not simply international institutions — not just treaties and declarations — that brought stability to a post-World War II world. Whatever mistakes we have made, the plain fact is this: The United States of America has helped underwrite global security for more than six decades with the blood of our citizens and the strength of our arms.''' The service and sacrifice of our men and women in uniform has promoted peace and prosperity from Germany to Korea, and enabled democracy to take hold in places like the Balkans. We have borne this burden not because we seek to impose our will. We have done so out of enlightened self-interest — because we seek a better future for our children and grandchildren, and we believe that their lives will be better if others' children and grandchildren can live in freedom and prosperity. <br> So yes, the instruments of war do have a role to play in preserving the peace. And yet this truth must coexist with another — that no matter how justified, war promises human tragedy. The soldier's courage and sacrifice is full of glory, expressing devotion to country, to cause, to comrades in arms. '''But war itself is never glorious, and we must never trumpet it as such.''' * '''I believe that all nations — strong and weak alike — must adhere to standards that govern the use of force.''' I — like any head of state — reserve the right to act unilaterally if necessary to defend my nation. Nevertheless, I am convinced that adhering to standards, international standards, strengthens those who do, and isolates and weakens those who don't. * More and more, we all confront difficult questions about how to prevent the slaughter of civilians by their own government, or to stop a civil war whose violence and suffering can engulf an entire region. <br> I believe that force can be justified on humanitarian grounds, as it was in the Balkans, or in other places that have been scarred by war. Inaction tears at our conscience and can lead to more costly intervention later. That's why all responsible nations must embrace the role that militaries with a clear mandate can play to keep the peace. * '''I understand why war is not popular, but I also know this: The belief that peace is desirable is rarely enough to achieve it. Peace requires responsibility. Peace entails sacrifice.''' That's why NATO continues to be indispensable. That's why we must strengthen U.N. and regional peacekeeping, and not leave the task to a few countries. * Let me make one final point about the use of force. '''Even as we make difficult decisions about going to war, we must also think clearly about how we fight it.''' * '''Where force is necessary, we have a moral and strategic interest in binding ourselves to certain rules of conduct.''' And even as we confront a vicious adversary that abides by no rules, I believe the United States of America must remain a standard bearer in the conduct of war. That is what makes us different from those whom we fight. That is a source of our strength. That is why I prohibited torture. That is why I ordered the prison at Guantanamo Bay closed. And that is why I have reaffirmed America's commitment to abide by the Geneva Conventions. We lose ourselves when we compromise the very ideals that we fight to defend. And we honor — we honor those ideals by upholding them not when it's easy, but when it is hard. * I believe that we must develop alternatives to violence that are tough enough to actually change behavior — for if we want a lasting peace, then the words of the international community must mean something. Those regimes that break the rules must be held accountable. '''Sanctions must exact a real price. Intransigence must be met with increased pressure — and such pressure exists only when the world stands together as one.''' * '''Peace is not merely the absence of visible conflict. Only a just peace based on the inherent rights and dignity of every individual can truly be lasting.''' <br> It was this insight that drove drafters of the [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] after the Second World War. In the wake of devastation, they recognized that if human rights are not protected, peace is a hollow promise. * '''There has long been a tension between those who describe themselves as realists or idealists — a tension that suggests a stark choice between the narrow pursuit of interests or an endless campaign to impose our values around the world. <br> I reject these choices.''' I believe that peace is unstable where citizens are denied the right to speak freely or worship as they please; choose their own leaders or assemble without fear. Pent-up grievances fester, and the suppression of tribal and religious identity can lead to violence. We also know that the opposite is true. Only when Europe became free did it finally find peace. '''America has never fought a war against a democracy, and our closest friends are governments that protect the rights of their citizens. No matter how callously defined, neither America's interests — nor the world's — are served by the denial of human aspirations.''' * '''There's no simple formula here. But we must try as best we can to balance isolation and engagement, pressure and incentives, so that human rights and dignity are advanced over time.''' * A just peace includes not only civil and political rights — it must encompass economic security and opportunity. For true peace is not just freedom from fear, but freedom from want. <br> It is undoubtedly true that development rarely takes root without security; it is also true that security does not exist where human beings do not have access to enough food, or clean water, or the medicine and shelter they need to survive. It does not exist where children can't aspire to a decent education or a job that supports a family. '''The absence of hope can rot a society from within.''' * Agreements among nations. Strong institutions. Support for human rights. Investments in development. All these are vital ingredients in bringing about the evolution that President [[John F. Kennedy|Kennedy]] spoke about. And yet, I do not believe that we will have the will, the determination, the staying power, to complete this work without something more — and that's the continued expansion of our moral imagination; an insistence that there's something irreducible that we all share. * '''As the world grows smaller, you might think it would be easier for human beings to recognize how similar we are; to understand that we're all basically seeking the same things; that we all hope for the chance to live out our lives with some measure of happiness and fulfillment for ourselves and our families.''' <br> And yet somehow, given the dizzying pace of globalization, the cultural leveling of modernity, it perhaps comes as no surprise that people fear the loss of what they cherish in their particular identities — their race, their tribe, and perhaps most powerfully their religion. In some places, this fear has led to conflict. At times, it even feels like we're moving backwards. * '''The one rule that lies at the heart of every major religion is that we do unto others as we would have them do unto us. <br> Adhering to this law of love has always been the core struggle of human nature.''' For we are fallible. We make mistakes, and fall victim to the temptations of pride, and power, and sometimes evil. Even those of us with the best of intentions will at times fail to right the wrongs before us. * '''We do not have to think that human nature is perfect for us to still believe that the human condition can be perfected. We do not have to live in an idealized world to still reach for those ideals that will make it a better place.''' The non-violence practiced by men like Gandhi and King may not have been practical or possible in every circumstance, but the love that they preached — their fundamental faith in human progress — that must always be the North Star that guides us on our journey. <br> '''For if we lose that faith — if we dismiss it as silly or naïve; if we divorce it from the decisions that we make on issues of war and peace — then we lose what's best about humanity. We lose our sense of possibility. We lose our moral compass.''' <br> Like generations have before us, we must reject that future. As Dr. King said at this occasion so many years ago, "I refuse to accept despair as the final response to the ambiguities of history. I refuse to accept the idea that the 'isness' of man's present condition makes him morally incapable of reaching up for the eternal 'oughtness' that forever confronts him." <br> '''Let us reach for the world that ought to be — that spark of the divine that still stirs within each of our souls.''' * '''We can acknowledge that oppression will always be with us, and still strive for justice.''' We can admit the intractability of deprivation, and still strive for dignity. '''Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace. We can do that — for that is the story of human progress; that's the hope of all the world; and at this moment of challenge, that must be our work here on Earth.''' === 2010 === [[File:BarackObama2010 3.jpg|thumb|Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty.]] * The Middle East is obviously an issue that has plagued the region for centuries. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/remarks-president-and-vice-president-town-hall-meeting-tampa-florida Remarks by the President and the Vice President at Town Hall Meeting in Tampa, Florida] (28 January 2010) * We said from the start that it was going to be important for us to be consistent in saying to people if you can have your — if you want to keep the health insurance you got, you can keep it, that you're not going to have anybody getting in between you and your doctor in your decision making. And I think that some of the provisions that got snuck in might have violated that pledge. ** [http://freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2440324/posts Meeting with House Republicans, (January 2010)] * The notion that I would somehow resist doing something that cost half as much but would produce twice as many jobs — why would I resist that? ''I wouldn't.'' I mean, that's my point, is that — '''I am not an ideologue. ''I'm not''.''' It doesn't make sense if somebody could tell me "You could do this cheaper and get increased results" that I wouldn't say, ''great'' — the problem is, I couldn't find credible economists who would back up the claims that you just made. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBAXEus6jXY Speech to the House Republican Conference (29 January 2010)], quoted in [http://www.americanthinker.com/articles/2010/02/whos_an_ideologue.html Who's an "Ideologue"? by Mark W. Hendrickson at ''American Thinker'' (17 February 2010)]; full transcript in [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/01/29/transcript-of-president-o_n_442423.html "Obama At House Republican Retreat In Baltimore" (17 February 2010)] * Let me just make this point, John...We're not campaigning anymore. The election's over. ** Responding to Senator [[John McCain]] (R-Ariz.) at the [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/25/AR2010022505919.html healthcare summit] after McCain complained about the proposed healthcare bill (25 February 2010)] [[File:Barack Obama in New Hampshire.jpg|thumb|We have to have a broad view of the world and recognize that we all are interconnected and that's very important.]] * '''Nababan''': You're...quite very good in [[wikipedia:Indonesian language|Indonesian]], still remind... <br> '''Obama''': ''Masih bisa omong sedikit'' [I still can speak (indonesian) a little bit]<br>'''Nababan''': ''sedikit, masih'' [a little bit, do you still] practising? <br> '''Obama''': No, not practising, you know, I used to be fluent but I don't get a chance to practice.<br>'''Nababan''': That's what I heard<br>'''Obama''': Whenever we're ready<br>[''Beginning of Interview'']<br/>'''Nababan''': Mr. President, thank you for permitting RCTI TV for this Interview, ''Apa Kabar'' [How are you] Mr. President?<br>'''Obama''': ''Baik-baik, Terima Kasih'' [(I'm) fine, thank you]<br>'''Nababan''': ''Masih bisa bahasa Indonesia?'' [(Do you) still able to speak Indonesian (language)?]<br>'''Obama''': ''Masih bisa sedikit, saya lupa banyak tapi...'' [(I still) can speak a little bit, but I forget many (Indonesian vocabularies)]<br>'''Nababan''': Oh, This is quite good I think,'' banyak latihan'' [often practicing], do you have practice with?<br>'''Obama''': You know, I don't have a chance to practice, you know, one of the interesting things is...'''I think Indonesians love their country so much, they usually go back,''' and so there isn't a hugh Immigrant Indonesian population In the United States, so I don't meet enough Indonesians which also means there aren't enough good Indonesian restaurants here in the United States... ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYIK9QtNu3w Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * We have to acknowledge that those past human right abuses existed and so '''we can't go forward without looking back''', and understanding that was enormous problem, not just for America but also problem for the Indonesian people... ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * '''Nababan''': Mr. President, there is a prevailing skepticism that you will be unable to act on your stance to reach out the Muslim world, how do you respond to this?<br> '''Obama''': Well, actually we made enormous progresses, obviously I made my [[Wikisource:A New Beginning|Cairo speech]] last year, as it sent a clear message that United States is a friend and a partner with the Muslim world, that we obviously have a determination to defeat terrorism wherever it exists, and we wanna partner with countries to deal with that issue, but '''we don't want terrorism to defy our relationship to the Muslim nations around the world, we want to build on cooperation on trade, on economic development, on science and technology, on culture''', and...so what we've done is all the issues that I outlined in Cairo speech we've made progress all. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) [[File:Israel and Palestine Peace.svg|thumb|The question is how do we breakdown the barrier of trust, or the barrier of distrust, that exist between these countries...]] * I think that living in [[Indonesia]] also reminded me how big the world is, you know, I've... Indonesia such a big country, such a diverse country and so many different people there and it reminded me that '''we have to have a broad view of the world and recognize that we all are interconnected and that's very important'''... ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * '''Nababan''': You mentioned about people to people...many Indonesians have high expectation that the US under your leadership is successful implementing the two-state solution today Israel-Palestinian conflict, is this a realistic expectation? <br> '''Obama''': Well, it is gonna be very hard. Obviously, it's been the issue for 60 years through Democratic and Republic administrations through different governments of Israel. It is a...It is a...very difficult conflict, But I, I am going to work as hard as I can while I'm president, to make sure that we arrive to two-state solution, where Israel is secure as living side by side by a prosperous and successful Palestinian nation, and everybody in the region understands that this is the right thing to do, '''the question is how do we breakdown the barrier of trust, or the barrier of distrust, that exist between these countries...''' ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview with Putra Nababan in the White House] (March 2010) * They call it Armageddon, the end of freedom as we know it. After I signed the bill, I looked around to see if there were any asteroids falling, some cracks opening up in the earth. Turned out it was a nice day. ** At [http://www.myfoxdetroit.com/dpps/news/dpgonc-obama-dares-republicans-to-run-on-repealing-health-care-fc-20100325_6751762 a speech] at the [[w:University of Iowa|University of Iowa]] after signing the [[w:Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act|Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act]] (25 March 2010) * Whether we like it or not, we remain a dominant military superpower... ** [http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2010/04/15/obama-america-superpower-like.html Obama: America a Superpower 'Whether We Like It or Not'], ''FoxNews.com'' (15 April 2010) * I do think at a certain point you've made enough money. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/remarks-president-wall-street-reform-quincy-illinois Remarks by the President on Wall Street Reform in Quincy, Illinois] (28 April 2010) * The Jonas Brothers are here; they're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans. But boys, don't get any ideas. I have two words for you, 'predator drones.' You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking? ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/international/archive/2010/05/obama-finds-predator-drones-hilarious/340949/ President Obama's jokes at the White House Correspondents Dinner] (1 May 2010) * I said very early on, as a senator, and continued to believe as a presidential candidate and now as president that we can absorb a terrorist attack. We'll do everything we can to prevent it, but even a 9/11, even the, the biggest attack that ever took place on our soil, we absorbed it and we are stronger. This is a strong, powerful country that we live in and our people are incredibly resilient. ** July 2010 interview with Bob Woodward, recounted on [http://www6.lexisnexis.com/publisher/EndUser?Action=UserDisplayFullDocument&orgId=574&topicId=100007216&docId=l:1271804831&isRss=true World News with Diane Sawyer] (27 September 2010) * We can never say it enough. The United States and the United Kingdom enjoy a truly special relationship. We celebrate a common heritage. We cherish common values. . . . Above all, our alliance thrives because it advances our common interests. . . . When the United States and the United Kingdom stand together, our people—and people around the world—are more secure and they are more prosperous. In short, the United States has no closer ally and no stronger partner than Great Britain. ** [http://wol.jw.org/en/wol/d/r1/lp-e/102011166?q=barack+obama&p=par Watchtower ONLINE LIBRARY] Statement made by U.S. President Barack Obama at a joint press conference with Prime Minister [[David Cameron]] of the United Kingdom in July 2010 * Ramadan is a celebration of a faith known for great diversity and racial equality. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/11/statement-president-occasion-ramadan Statement by the President on the Occasion of Ramadan (11 August 2010)] * I look forward to hosting an Iftar dinner celebrating Ramadan here at the White House later this week, and wish you a blessed month. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/11/statement-president-occasion-ramadan Statement by the President on the Occasion of Ramadan (11 August 2010)] * The only people who don't want to disclose the truth are people with something to hide. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/08/21/weekly-address-president-obama-challenges-politicians-benefiting-citizen Weekly Address] (21 August 2010) * And I think anybody who’s occupied this office has to remember that success is determined by an intersection in policy and politics and that you can’t be neglecting of marketing and P.R. and public opinion. ** As quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/17/magazine/17obama-t.html?src=me&ref=homepage "The Education of President Obama" by Peter Baker in ''The New York Times Magazine'' (12 October 2010)] * As I said last year, each country will pursue a path rooted in the culture of its own people. Yet experience shows us that history is on the side of liberty, that '''the strongest foundation for human progress lies in open economies, open societies, and open governments. To put it simply, democracy, more than any other form of government, delivers for our citizens.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=88483&st=&st1= "Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City," September 23, 2010. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project] * The world that America seeks is not one we can build on our own. For human rights to reach those who suffer the boot of oppression, we need your voices to speak out. In particular, I appeal to those nations who emerged from tyranny and inspired the world in the second half of the last century, from South Africa to South Asia, from Eastern Europe to South America. Don't stand idly by, don't be silent when dissidents elsewhere are imprisoned and protesters are beaten. Recall your own history, because '''part of the price of our own freedom is standing up for the freedom of others.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=88483&st=&st1= "Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly in New York City," September 23, 2010. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project] * '''I'm a Christian by choice.''' My family didn't — frankly, they weren't folks who went to church every week. And my mother was one of the most spiritual people I knew, but she didn't raise me in the church. So I came to my Christian faith later in life, and it was because the precepts of [[Jesus]] [[w:Christ|Christ]] spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead — being my brothers' and sisters' keeper, treating others as they would treat me. I think also understanding that Jesus Christ dying for my sins spoke to the humility we all have to have as human beings, that we're sinful and we're flawed and we make mistakes, and that we achieve salvation through the grace of God. '''But what we can do, as flawed as we are, is still see God in other people and do our best to help them find their own grace. That's what I strive to do. That's what I pray to do every day.''' I think my public service is part of that effort to express my Christian faith. … One thing I want to emphasize, having spoken about something that obviously relates to me very personally, as president of the United States '''I'm also somebody who deeply believes that part of the bedrock strength of this country is that it embraces people of many faiths and no faith… that this is a country that is still predominantly Christian, but we have Jews, Muslims, Hindus, atheists, agnostics, Buddhists, and that their own path to grace is one that we have to revere and respect as much as our own. <br> That's part of what makes this country what it is.''' ** Statement during National Prayer Breakfast (27 September 2010), [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/09/28/obama-christian-by-choice_n_742124.html?view=print "Obama 'Christian By Choice': President Responds To Questioner" by Charles Babington and Darlene Superville, ''Associated Press'' (28 September 2010)] - [http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalpunch/2010/09/president-obama-i-am-a-christian-by-choicethe-precepts-of-jesus-spoke-to-me.html Video: President Obama: "I am a Christian By Choice" at ''ABC News'' (29 September 2010)] * '''Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty. Because there are aspirations that human beings share -- the liberty of knowing that your leader is accountable to you, and that you won’t be locked up for disagreeing with them; the opportunity to get an education and to be able to work with dignity; the freedom to practice your faith without fear or restriction. Those are universal values that must be observed everywhere.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/11/10/remarks-president-university-indonesia-jakarta-indonesia Remarks by the President at the University of Indonesia in Jakarta, Indonesia November 10, 2010] ** The line "Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty. Because there are aspirations that human beings share - the liberty of knowing that your leader is accountable to you - and that you won't get locked up for disagreeing with them" was according to the BBC's Guy Delauney in Jakarta a thinly-veiled swipe at China, in particular its treatment of political dissidents. See [http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-pacific-11723650 Obama hails Indonesia as example for world, BBC News Asia-Pacific, 10 November 2010]. ** The line "Prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty" was later repeated by [http://usrsaustralia.state.gov/us-oz/2011/11/17/wh1.html Obama in his remarks to the Australian Parliament on November 17, 2011] where Obama stated: "As we grow our economies, we’ll also remember the link between growth and good governance -- the rule of law, transparent institutions, the equal administration of justice. Because history shows that, over the long run, '''democracy and economic growth go hand in hand. And prosperity without freedom is just another form of poverty.'''" * There's no single speech can eradicate years of mistrust, but I believe then and I believe today that we do have a choice. we can choose to be defined by our differences and give in to a future of suspicions and mistrusts, or we choose to do the hard-work of forging common ground and commit ourselves to the steady pursuit of progress and I can promise you, no matter what setback may come, the United States is committed to human progress, that's who we are, that's what we've done, and that's what we will do. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/11/10/remarks-president-university-indonesia-jakarta-indonesia Remarks by the President at the University of Indonesia in Jakarta, Indonesia November 10, 2010] * What we learned in the recent economic crisis is that we have each stake of each other success, America has a stake in indonesia's growing and development with prosperity that broadly shared by among Indonesians people because the raising middle class of Indonesia means new market for our goods. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2010/11/10/remarks-president-university-indonesia-jakarta-indonesia Remarks by the President at the University of Indonesia in Jakarta, Indonesia November 10, 2010] ==== State Of The Union (January 2010) ==== :<small>[http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/01/28/opinion/main6151030.shtml Full transcript] on ''[[w:CNN|CNN]]''.</small> * The more that TV pundits reduce serious debates into silly arguments, and big issues into sound bites, our citizens turn away. * Let's try common sense. A novel concept. ==== 2010 Deepwater Horizon oil spill (April 2010) ==== [[File:Deepwater Horizon offshore drilling unit on fire 2010.jpg|thumb|My experience is, when you talk to a guy like a BP CEO, he's gonna say all the right things to me. I'm not interested in words. I'm interested in actions.]] [[File:Deepwater Horizon oil spill - May 24, 2010 - with locator.jpg|thumb|Even though I'm president of the United States, my power is not limitless. So I can't dive down there and plug the hole. I can't suck it up with a straw. All I can do is make sure that I put honest, hard-working smart people in place…]] :<small>Quotes by President Obama relating to the 2010 [[w:Deepwater Horizon oil spill|Deepwater Horizon oil spill]] which began on April 20, 2010, in the Gulf of Mexico.</small> * It turns out, by the way, that oil rigs today generally don't cause spills. They are technologically very advanced. ** [http://www.nytimes.com/2010/05/31/us/politics/31drill.html Reforms Slow to Arrive at Drilling Agency] (April 2, 2010) * The true engine of economic growth will always be companies like [[w:Solyndra|Solyndra]]. ** Speech at Solyndra, May 26, 2010. [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qy2xEAZhAuo] * I do not want to see BP nickel and diming these businesses that are having a tough time. ** [http://www.palmbeachpost.com/news/nation/florida-workers-getting-5-000-checks-from-bp-733821.html Florida workers getting $5000 checks from BP -- but will it be enough?], ''Palm Beach Post'' (June 8, 2010) * I have not spoken to him directly. Here's the reason. Because my experience is, when you talk to a guy like a BP CEO, he's gonna say all the right things to me. I'm not interested in words. I'm interested in actions. **[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37566848/ns/disaster_in_the_gulf/ I would have fired BP chief by now, Obama says] (June 8, 2010) * We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick. **[http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37566848/ns/disaster_in_the_gulf/ I would have fired BP chief by now, Obama says] (June 8, 2010) * Even though I'm president of the United States, my power is not limitless. So I can't dive down there and plug the hole. I can't suck it up with a straw. All I can do is make sure that I put honest, hard-working smart people in place … to implement this thing." ** Radio interview, [[w:Grand Isle, LA|Grand Isle, LA]], June 11, 2010.[http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/06/obama-on-spill-i-cant-suck-it.html?hpid=news-col-blog] ==== Weekly Address (May 29, 2010) ==== :<small>[[w:Weekly address of the President of the United States|Weekly Address]] ([https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/realitycheck/the-press-office/weekly-address-president-obama-invites-all-americans-honor-america-s-fallen-heroes- May 29, 2010]), [[Washington, DC]], ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}''.</small> * This weekend, as we celebrate {{w|Memorial Day}}, families across America will gather in backyards and front porches, fire up the barbeque, kick back with friends, and spend time with people they care about. That is as it should be. But I also hope that as you do so, you’ll take some time to reflect on what Memorial Day is all about; on why we set this day aside as a time of national remembrance. * It’s fitting every day to pay tribute to the men and women who wear the uniform of the United States of America. * On this day, we honor not just those who’ve worn this country’s uniform, but the men and women who’ve died in its service; who’ve laid down their lives in defense of their fellow citizens; who’ve given their last full measure of devotion to protect the United States of America. These are the men and women I will be honoring this weekend, and I know many of you are doing the same. * There are any number of reasons America emerged from its humble beginnings as a cluster of colonies to become the most prosperous, most powerful nation on earth. There is the hard work, the resilience, and the character of our people. There is the ingenuity and enterprising spirit of our entrepreneurs and innovators. There are the ideals of opportunity, equality, and freedom that have not only inspired our people to perfect our own union, but inspired others to perfect theirs as well. But from the very start, there was also something more. A steadfast commitment to serve, to fight, and if necessary, to die, to preserve America and advance the [[ideals]] we [[cherish]]. It’s a commitment witnessed at each defining moment along the journey of this country. It’s what led a rag-tag militia to face British soldiers at Lexington and Concord. It’s what led young men, in a country divided half slave and half free, to take up arms to save our union. It’s what led patriots in each [[generation]] to [[sacrifice]] their own [[lives]] to secure the life of our nation, from the [[w:Trench warfare|trenches]] of [[w:United States in World War I|World War I]] to the [[w:List of World War II battles involving the United States|battles]] of [[w:Military history of the United States during World War II|World War II]], from [[w:Battle of Inchon|Inchon]] and [[w:Battle of Khe Sanh|Khe Sanh]], from [[w:Battle of Mosul (2004)|Mosul]] to [[w:Operation Moshtarak|Marja]]. * That commitment – that willingness to lay down their lives so we might inherit the blessings of this nation – is what we honor today. But on this Memorial Day, as on every day, we are called to honor their ultimate sacrifice with more than words. We are called to honor them with deeds. We are called to honor them by doing our part for the loved ones our fallen heroes have left behind and looking after our military families. By making sure the men and women serving this country around the world have the support they need to achieve their missions and come home safely. By making sure veterans have the care and assistance they need. In short, by serving all those who have ever worn the uniform of this country – and their families – as well as they have served us. * On April 25, 1866, about a year after the Civil War ended, a group of women visited a cemetery in Columbus, Mississippi, to place flowers by the graves of Confederate soldiers who had fallen at Shiloh. As they did, they noticed other graves nearby, belonging to Union dead. But no one had come to visit those graves, or place a flower there. So they decided to lay a few stems for those men too, in recognition not of a fallen Confederate or a fallen Union soldier, but a fallen American. A few years later, an organization of Civil War veterans established what became Memorial Day, selecting a date that coincided with the time when flowers were in bloom. So this weekend, as we commemorate Memorial Day, I ask you to hold all our fallen heroes in your hearts, and if you can, to lay a flower where they have come to rest. === 2011 === [[File:DDR wall peekaboo.jpg|thumb|Societies held together by fear and repression may offer the illusion of stability for a time, but they are built upon fault lines that will eventually tear asunder.]] * The presidency has a funny way of making a person feel the need to pray. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/02/03/remarks-president-national-prayer-breakfast National Prayer Breakfast], {{#formatdate:2011-02-03}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2011-02-03 | first = Cathy Lynn | last = Grossman | title = Obama's prayer: 'To walk closer with God' | newspaper = USA Today | url = http://content.usatoday.com/communities/Religion/post/2011/02/obama-christian-prayer-breakfast-doubt/1 | accessdate = 2012-11-07}} * '''Societies held together by fear and repression may offer the illusion of stability for a time, but they are built upon fault lines that will eventually tear asunder.''' ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=90397&st=&st1= Barack Obama: "Remarks at the Department of State," May 19, 2011. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] * '''Obama:''' Now, I swore an oath to uphold the laws on the books, but that doesn't mean I don't know very well the real pain and heartbreak that deportations cause. I share your concerns and I understand them. And I promise you, we are responding to your concerns and working every day to make sure we are enforcing flawed laws in the most humane and best possible way. Now, I know some people want me to bypass Congress and change the laws on my own. ''[Applause]'' And believe me, right now dealing with Congress —<br>'''Audience:''' Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can! Yes, you can!<br>'''Obama:''' Believe me — believe me, the idea of doing things on my own is very tempting. ''[Laughter]'' I promise you. Not just on immigration reform. ''[Laughter]'' But that's not how — that's not how our system works.<br>'''Audience member:''' Change it!<br>'''Obama:''' That’s not how our democracy functions. That's not how our Constitution is written. So let’s be honest. I need a dance partner here — and the floor is empty. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/07/25/remarks-president-national-council-la-raza Remarks to the National Council of La Raza (25 July 2011)] * Lincoln -- they used to talk about him almost as bad as they talk about me. So democracy has never been for the faint of heart. ** [http://nation.foxnews.com/president-obama/2011/08/16/obama-i-m-just-lincoln Obama: I’m Just Like Lincoln] (16 August 2011) * Take off your bedroom slippers. Put on your marching shoes. Shake it off. Stop complainin'. Stop grumblin'. Stop cryin'. We are going to press on. We have work to do. ** [http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/cutline/associated-press-transcription-obama-cbc-speech-racist-173438340.html Remarks to the Congressional Black Caucus on the 2012 election (24 September 2011)] * '''Having encountered many setbacks, [[Václav Havel|Havel]] lived with a spirit of [[hope]]''', which he defined as “the ability to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed.” '''His peaceful resistance shook the foundations of an empire, exposed the emptiness of a repressive ideology, and proved that moral leadership is more powerful than any weapon.''' He played a seminal role in the Velvet Revolution that won his people their freedom and inspired generations to reach for self-determination and dignity in all parts of the world. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/12/18/statement-president-obama-death-vaclav-havel Statement of President Obama on the death of Vaclav Havel (18 December 2011)] * I would put our legislative and foreign policy accomplishments in our first two years against any president -- with the possible exceptions of [[Lyndon Johnson|Johnson]], [[FDR]], and [[Lincoln]] -- just in terms of what we've gotten done in modern history. ** An interview with ''[[w:60 Minutes|60 Minutes]]'', December 20, 2011.[http://newsbusters.org/blogs/pj-gladnick/2011/12/16/60-minutes-broadcast-edits-out-laughable-obama-claim-4th-greatest-presi] ==== Tucson Memorial Address (January 2011) ==== [[File:BarackObamaTucsonMemorialSpeech.png|thumb|It's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.]] :<small> [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/01/12/remarks-president-barack-obama-memorial-service-victims-shooting-tucson Remarks by the President at a Memorial Service for the Victims of the Shooting in Tucson, Arizona (12 January 2011)], in response to the [[w:2011 Tucson shootings|2011 Tucson shootings]] - [http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2011/01/13/AR2011011301532.html Transcript at ''The Washington Post''].</small> [[File:Obama Tucson Shooting Speech Cropped.jpg|thumb|We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us.]] [[File:White House silence Tucson 2011.jpg|thumb|All of us — we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations.]] * To the families of those we've lost; to all who called them friends; to the students of this university, the public servants gathered tonight, and the people of Tucson and Arizona: '''I have come here tonight as an American who, like all Americans, kneels to pray with you today, and will stand by you tomorrow.''' * There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. * Gabby called it "Congress on Your Corner" — just an updated version of government of and by and for the people. * These men and women remind us that heroism is found not only on the fields of battle. They remind us that heroism does not require special training or physical strength. '''Heroism is here, all around us, in the hearts of so many of our fellow citizens, just waiting to be summoned — as it was on Saturday morning.''' * But at a time when our discourse has become so sharply polarized — at a time when we are far too eager to lay the blame for all that ails the world at the feet of those who think differently than we do — '''it's important for us to pause for a moment and make sure that we are talking with each other in a way that heals, not a way that wounds.''' * '''Scripture tells us that there is evil in the world, and that terrible things happen for reasons that defy human understanding.''' In the words of [[Job]], "when I looked for light, then came darkness." '''Bad things happen, and we must guard against simple explanations in the aftermath.''' * '''If this tragedy prompts reflection and debate, as it should, let's make sure it's worthy of those we have lost.''' * '''I believe we can be better.''' Those who died here, those who saved lives here — they help me believe. '''We may not be able to stop all evil in the world, but I know that how we treat one another is entirely up to us. I believe that for all our imperfections, we are full of decency and goodness, and that the forces that divide us are not as strong as those that unite us.''' * That's what I believe, in part because that's what a child like Christina Taylor Green believed. Imagine: here was a young girl who was just becoming aware of our democracy; just beginning to understand the obligations of citizenship; just starting to glimpse the fact that someday she too might play a part in shaping her nation's future. She had been elected to her student council; she saw public service as something exciting, something hopeful. She was off to meet her congresswoman, someone she was sure was good and important and might be a role model. She saw all this through the eyes of a child, undimmed by the cynicism or vitriol that we adults all too often just take for granted. '''I want us to live up to her expectations. I want our democracy to be as good as she imagined it. All of us — we should do everything we can to make sure this country lives up to our children's expectations.''' * If there are rain puddles in heaven, Christina is jumping in them today. '''And here on Earth, we place our hands over our hearts, and commit ourselves as Americans to forging a country that is forever worthy of her gentle, happy spirit.''' ==== Remarks on Egyptian protests (January 2011) ==== [[File:'The March of Millions' - It's in our hands.png|thumb|The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/01/28/remarks-president-situation-egypt Remarks by the President on the Situation in Egypt (28 January 2011)]</small> * My administration has been closely monitoring the situation in Egypt, and I know that we will be learning more tomorrow when day breaks. '''As the situation continues to unfold, our first concern is preventing injury or loss of life. So I want to be very clear in calling upon the Egyptian authorities to refrain from any violence against peaceful protestors. <br> The people of Egypt have rights that are universal. That includes the right to peaceful assembly and association, the right to free speech, and the ability to determine their own destiny. These are human rights. And the United States will stand up for them everywhere.''' * I also call upon the Egyptian government to reverse the actions that they’ve taken to interfere with access to the Internet, to cell phone service and to social networks that do so much to connect people in the 21st century. <br> At the same time, those protesting in the streets have a responsibility to express themselves peacefully. Violence and destruction will not lead to the reforms that they seek. <br> Now, going forward, this moment of volatility has to be turned into a moment of promise. '''The United States has a close partnership with Egypt and we've cooperated on many issues, including working together to advance a more peaceful region. But we've also been clear that there must be reform — political, social, and economic reforms that meet the aspirations of the Egyptian people.''' * When President [[Hosni Mubarak|Mubarak]] addressed the Egyptian people tonight, he pledged a better democracy and greater economic opportunity. I just spoke to him after his speech and I told him he has a responsibility to give meaning to those words, to take concrete steps and actions that deliver on that promise. <br> '''Violence will not address the grievances of the Egyptian people. And suppressing ideas never succeeds in making them go away.''' What’s needed right now are concrete steps that advance the rights of the Egyptian people: a meaningful dialogue between the government and its citizens, and a path of political change that leads to a future of greater freedom and greater opportunity and justice for the Egyptian people. * Around the world governments have an obligation to respond to their citizens. That's true here in the United States; that's true in Asia; it is true in Europe; it is true in Africa; and it’s certainly true in the Arab world, where a new generation of citizens has the right to be heard. <br> '''When I was in Cairo, shortly after I was elected President, I said that all governments must maintain power through consent, not coercion.''' That is the single standard by which the people of Egypt will achieve the future they deserve. <br> '''Surely there will be difficult days to come. But the United States will continue to stand up for the rights of the Egyptian people and work with their government in pursuit of a future that is more just, more free, and more hopeful.''' ==== Remarks on Egyptian political transition (February 2011) ==== [[File:The lion of Egyptian revolution (Qasr al-Nil Bridge)-edit2.jpg|thumb|There are very few moments in our lives where we have the privilege to witness history taking place. This is one of those moments. This is one of those times.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/02/11/remarks-president-egypt Remarks by the President on Egypt (11 February 2011)]</small> [[File:Tahrir Square on February11.png|thumb|The word [[w: Tahrir|Tahrir]] means liberation. It is a word that speaks to that something in our souls that cries out for freedom. And forevermore it will remind us of the Egyptian people — of what they did, of the things that they stood for, and how they changed their country, and in doing so changed the world.]] * '''There are very few moments in our lives where we have the privilege to witness history taking place. This is one of those moments. This is one of those times. The people of Egypt have spoken, their voices have been heard, and Egypt will never be the same.''' * '''I know that a democratic Egypt can advance its role of responsible leadership not only in the region but around the world.''' <br> Egypt has played a pivotal role in human history for over 6,000 years. But over the last few weeks, the wheel of history turned at a blinding pace as the Egyptian people demanded their universal rights.<br> We saw mothers and fathers carrying their children on their shoulders to show them what true freedom might look like.<br> We saw a young Egyptian say, “For the first time in my life, I really count. My voice is heard. Even though I’m only one person, this is the way real democracy works.” <br> We saw protesters chant “Selmiyya, selmiyya” — “We are peaceful” — again and again. <br> We saw a military that would not fire bullets at the people they were sworn to protect.<br> And we saw doctors and nurses rushing into the streets to care for those who were wounded, volunteers checking protesters to ensure that they were unarmed. <br> '''We saw people of faith praying together and chanting – “Muslims, Christians, We are one.”''' And though we know that the strains between faiths still divide too many in this world and no single event will close that chasm immediately, '''these scenes remind us that we need not be defined by our differences. We can be defined by the common humanity that we share.''' <br> And above all, we saw a new generation emerge — a generation that uses their own creativity and talent and technology to call for a government that represented their hopes and not their fears; a government that is responsive to their boundless aspirations. One Egyptian put it simply: Most people have discovered in the last few days…that they are worth something, and this cannot be taken away from them anymore, ever. <br> This is the power of human dignity, and it can never be denied. '''Egyptians have inspired us, and they’ve done so by putting the lie to the idea that justice is best gained through violence. \ For in Egypt, it was the moral force of nonviolence — not terrorism, not mindless killing — but nonviolence, moral force that bent the arc of history toward justice once more.''' * Today belongs to the people of Egypt, and the American people are moved by these scenes in Cairo and across Egypt because of who we are as a people and the kind of world that we want our children to grow up in. <br> '''The word [[w: Tahrir|Tahrir]] means liberation. It is a word that speaks to that something in our souls that cries out for freedom. And forevermore it will remind us of the Egyptian people — of what they did, of the things that they stood for, and how they changed their country, and in doing so changed the world.''' ==== Address on the natural and nuclear energy disasters in Japan (March 2011) ==== [[File:SH-60B helicopter flies over Sendai.jpg|thumb| We are working aggressively to support our Japanese ally at this time of extraordinary challenge.]] [[File:US Navy 110315-N-5503T-756 A Japanese search and rescue team searches the rubble near a high-rise building in Wakuya, Japan.jpg|thumb|In the midst of economic recovery and global upheaval, disasters like this remind us of the common humanity that we share.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/03/17/remarks-president-situation-japan Remarks by the President on the Situation in Japan (17 March 2011)]</small> * '''I wanted to update the American people on what we know about the situation in Japan, what we’re doing to support American citizens and the safety of our own nuclear energy, and how we are helping the Japanese people contain the damage, recover and rebuild.''' * Even as Japanese responders continue to do heroic work, we know that the damage to the nuclear reactors in Fukushima Daiichi plant poses a substantial risk to people who are nearby. That is why yesterday, we called for an evacuation of American citizens who are within 50 miles of the plant. This decision was based upon a careful scientific evaluation and the guidelines that we would use to keep our citizens safe here in the United States, or anywhere in the world. * I know that many Americans are also worried about the potential risks to the United States. So I want to be very clear: We do not expect harmful levels of radiation to reach the United States, whether it’s the West Coast, Hawaii, Alaska, or U.S. territories in the Pacific. Let me repeat that: We do not expect harmful levels of radiation to reach the West Coast, Hawaii, Alaska, or U.S. territories in the Pacific. '''That is the judgment of our Nuclear Regulatory Commission and many other experts.''' * Our nuclear power plants have undergone exhaustive study, and have been declared safe for any number of extreme contingencies. But when we see a crisis like the one in Japan, we have a responsibility to learn from this event, and to draw from those lessons to ensure the safety and security of our people. <br> That’s why I’ve asked the Nuclear Regulatory Commission to do a comprehensive review of the safety of our domestic nuclear plants in light of the natural disaster that unfolded in Japan. * '''We are working aggressively to support our Japanese ally at this time of extraordinary challenge.''' Search and rescue teams are on the ground in Japan to help the recovery effort. A disaster assistance and response team is working to confront the aftermath of the earthquake and tsunami. The U.S. military, which has helped to ensure the security of Japan for decades, is working around the clock. * We have an alliance that was forged more than a half century ago, and strengthened by shared interests and democratic values. Our people share ties of family, ties of culture, and ties of commerce. Our troops have served to protect Japan’s shores, and our citizens have found opportunity and friendship in Japan’s cities and towns. * I am confident that Japan will recover and rebuild because of the strength and spirit of the Japanese people. Over the last few days, they’ve opened up their homes to one another. They’ve shared scarce resources of food and water. They’ve organized shelters, provided free medical care, and looked out for their most vulnerable citizens. One man put it simply: “It’s a Japanese thing. When hard times hit, we have to help each other.” * '''In the midst of economic recovery and global upheaval, disasters like this remind us of the common humanity that we share.''' We see it in the responders who are risking their lives at Fukushima. We show it through the help that has poured into Japan from 70 countries. And we hear it in the cries of a child, miraculously pulled from the rubble. <br> '''In the coming days, we will continue to do everything we can to ensure the safety of American citizens and the security of our sources of energy. And we will stand with the people of Japan as they contain this crisis, recover from this hardship, and rebuild their great nation.''' ==== Address on interventions in Libya (March 2011) ==== [[File:USS Barry (DDG 52) launches a Tomahawk missile in support of Operation Odyssey Dawn.jpg |thumb|I’d like to update the American people on the international effort that we have led in Libya — what we’ve done, what we plan to do, and why this matters to us.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/03/28/remarks-president-address-nation-libya Address to the Nation on Libya (28 March 2011)]</small> [[File:US Navy 110320-F-NI989-135 A crew chief from the 52nd Aircraft Maintenance Squadron marshals an F-16 Fighting Falcon out of a hardened aircraft she.jpg|thumb|For generations, the United States of America has played a unique role as an anchor of global security and as an advocate for human freedom.]] [[File:F-16 takeoff in Germany.jpg|thumb|When our interests and values are at stake, we have a responsibility to act.]] [[File:A Qatar Emiri Air Force Dassault Mirage 2000-5 fighter jet - Joint Task Force Odyssey Dawn 2011.jpg|thumb|In just one month, the United States has worked with our international partners to mobilize a broad coalition, secure an international mandate to protect civilians, stop an advancing army, prevent a massacre, and establish a no-fly zone with our allies and partners.]] [[File:Egyptian youth at the Benghazi rally.JPG|thumb|Born, as we are, out of a revolution by those who longed to be free, we welcome the fact that history is on the move in the Middle East and North Africa, and that young people are leading the way. Because wherever people long to be free, they will find a friend in the United States.]] [[File:Flag-lens-flare.jpg|thumb|For generations, we have done the hard work of protecting our own people, as well as millions around the globe. We have done so because we know that our own future is safer, our own future is brighter, if more of mankind can live with the bright light of freedom and dignity.]] * '''I’d like to update the American people on the international effort that we have led in Libya — what we’ve done, what we plan to do, and why this matters to us.''' <br> I want to begin by paying tribute to our men and women in uniform who, once again, have acted with courage, professionalism and patriotism. They have moved with incredible speed and strength. Because of them and our dedicated diplomats, a coalition has been forged and countless lives have been saved. <br> Meanwhile, as we speak, our troops are supporting our ally Japan, leaving Iraq to its people, stopping the Taliban’s momentum in Afghanistan, and going after al Qaeda all across the globe. As Commander-in-Chief, I’m grateful to our soldiers, sailors, airmen, Marines, Coast Guardsmen, and to their families. And I know all Americans share in that sentiment. * '''For generations, the United States of America has played a unique role as an anchor of global security and as an advocate for human freedom. Mindful of the risks and costs of military action, we are naturally reluctant to use force to solve the world’s many challenges. But when our interests and values are at stake, we have a responsibility to act.''' That’s what happened in Libya over the course of these last six weeks.  <!-- * Libya sits directly between Tunisia and Egypt — two nations that inspired the world when their people rose up to take control of their own destiny. For more than four decades, the Libyan people have been ruled by a tyrant — Muammar Qaddafi. He has denied his people freedom, exploited their wealth, murdered opponents at home and abroad, and terrorized innocent people around the world — including Americans who were killed by Libyan agents. <br> Last month, Qaddafi’s grip of fear appeared to give way to the promise of freedom. In cities and towns across the country, Libyans took to the streets to claim their basic human rights. As one Libyan said, “For the first time we finally have hope that our nightmare of 40 years will soon be over.” <br> Faced with this opposition, Qaddafi began attacking his people. * '''Innocent people were targeted for killing. Hospitals and ambulances were attacked.''' Journalists were arrested, sexually assaulted, and killed. Supplies of food and fuel were choked off. Water for hundreds of thousands of people in Misurata was shut off. Cities and towns were shelled, mosques were destroyed, and apartment buildings reduced to rubble. Military jets and helicopter gunships were unleashed upon people who had no means to defend themselves against assaults from the air. <br> Confronted by this brutal repression and a looming humanitarian crisis, I ordered warships into the Mediterranean. European allies declared their willingness to commit resources to stop the killing. The Libyan opposition and the Arab League appealed to the world to save lives in Libya. And so at my direction, America led an effort with our allies at the United Nations Security Council to pass a historic resolution that authorized a no-fly zone to stop the regime’s attacks from the air, and further authorized all necessary measures to protect the Libyan people. * Ten days ago, having tried to end the violence without using force, the international community offered Qaddafi a final chance to stop his campaign of killing, or face the consequences. Rather than stand down, his forces continued their advance, bearing down on the city of Benghazi, home to nearly 700,000 men, women and children who sought their freedom from fear. <br> At this point, the United States and the world faced a choice. '''Qaddafi declared he would show “no mercy” to his own people.''' He compared them to rats, and threatened to go door to door to inflict punishment. In the past, we have seen him hang civilians in the streets, and kill over a thousand people in a single day. Now we saw regime forces on the outskirts of the city. --> * '''If we waited one more day, Benghazi, a city nearly the size of Charlotte, could suffer a massacre that would have reverberated across the region and stained the conscience of the world. <br> It was not in our national interest to let that happen. I refused to let that happen.''' And so nine days ago, after consulting the bipartisan leadership of Congress, I authorized military action to stop the killing and enforce U.N. Security Council Resolution 1973.  * '''In just one month, the United States has worked with our international partners to mobilize a broad coalition, secure an international mandate to protect civilians, stop an advancing army, prevent a massacre, and establish a no-fly zone with our allies and partners.''' To lend some perspective on how rapidly this military and diplomatic response came together, when people were being brutalized in Bosnia in the 1990s, it took the international community more than a year to intervene with air power to protect civilians. It took us 31 days. * I want to be clear: The United States of America has done what we said we would do. <br> That’s not to say that our work is complete. * '''While our military mission is narrowly focused on saving lives, we continue to pursue the broader goal of a Libya that belongs not to a dictator, but to its people.''' * '''Much of the debate in Washington has put forward a false choice when it comes to Libya.''' On the one hand, some question why America should intervene at all — even in limited ways — in this distant land. They argue that there are many places in the world where innocent civilians face brutal violence at the hands of their government, and America should not be expected to police the world, particularly when we have so many pressing needs here at home. <br> '''It’s true that America cannot use our military wherever repression occurs. And given the costs and risks of intervention, we must always measure our interests against the need for action. But that cannot be an argument for never acting on behalf of what’s right.''' In this particular country — Libya — at this particular moment, we were faced with the prospect of violence on a horrific scale. '''We had a unique ability to stop that violence: an international mandate for action, a broad coalition prepared to join us, the support of Arab countries, and a plea for help from the Libyan people themselves.''' We also had the ability to stop Qaddafi’s forces in their tracks without putting American troops on the ground. <br> '''To brush aside America’s responsibility as a leader and — more profoundly — our responsibilities to our fellow human beings under such circumstances would have been a betrayal of who we are.''' Some nations may be able to turn a blind eye to atrocities in other countries. The United States of America is different. And as President, I refused to wait for the images of slaughter and mass graves before taking action. * '''America has an important strategic interest in preventing Qaddafi from overrunning those who oppose him.''' A massacre would have driven thousands of additional refugees across Libya’s borders, putting enormous strains on the peaceful — yet fragile — transitions in Egypt and Tunisia. The democratic impulses that are dawning across the region would be eclipsed by the darkest form of dictatorship, as repressive leaders concluded that violence is the best strategy to cling to power. The writ of the United Nations Security Council would have been shown to be little more than empty words, crippling that institution’s future credibility to uphold global peace and security. '''So while I will never minimize the costs involved in military action, I am convinced that a failure to act in Libya would have carried a far greater price for America.''' * There is no question that Libya — and the world — would be better off with Qaddafi out of power. I, along with many other world leaders, have embraced that goal, and will actively pursue it through non-military means. But broadening our military mission to include regime change would be a mistake. <br> '''The task that I assigned our forces — to protect the Libyan people from immediate danger, and to establish a no-fly zone — carries with it a U.N. mandate and international support. It’s also what the Libyan opposition asked us to do. If we tried to overthrow Qaddafi by force, our coalition would splinter.''' We would likely have to put U.S. troops on the ground to accomplish that mission, or risk killing many civilians from the air. The dangers faced by our men and women in uniform would be far greater. So would the costs and our share of the responsibility for what comes next. * '''To be blunt, [[w:Iraq War|we went down that road in Iraq]].''' Thanks to the extraordinary sacrifices of our troops and the determination of our diplomats, we are hopeful about Iraq’s future. But regime change there took eight years, thousands of American and Iraqi lives, and nearly a trillion dollars. That is not something we can afford to repeat in Libya. * '''As the bulk of our military effort ratchets down, what we can do — and will do — is support the aspirations of the Libyan people. We have intervened to stop a massacre, and we will work with our allies and partners to maintain the safety of civilians.''' We will deny the regime arms, cut off its supplies of cash, assist the opposition, and work with other nations to hasten the day when Qaddafi leaves power. It may not happen overnight, as a badly weakened Qaddafi tries desperately to hang on to power. But it should be clear to those around Qaddafi, and to every Libyan, that history is not on Qaddafi’s side. With the time and space that we have provided for the Libyan people, they will be able to determine their own destiny, and that is how it should be. * '''As Commander-in-Chief, I have no greater responsibility than keeping this country safe. And no decision weighs on me more than when to deploy our men and women in uniform. I’ve made it clear that I will never hesitate to use our military swiftly, decisively, and unilaterally when necessary to defend our people, our homeland, our allies and our core interests.''' That's why we’re going after al Qaeda wherever they seek a foothold. That is why we continue to fight in Afghanistan, even as we have ended our combat mission in Iraq and removed more than 100,000 troops from that country. <br> '''There will be times, though, when our safety is not directly threatened, but our interests and our values are.''' Sometimes, the course of history poses '''challenges that threaten our common humanity and our common security — responding to natural disasters, for example; or preventing genocide and keeping the peace; ensuring regional security, and maintaining the flow of commerce. These may not be America’s problems alone, but they are important to us. They’re problems worth solving.''' And in these circumstances, we know that the United States, as the world’s most powerful nation, will often be called upon to help. <br> '''In such cases, we should not be afraid to act — but the burden of action should not be America’s alone. As we have in Libya, our task is instead to mobilize the international community for collective action.''' Because contrary to the claims of some, American leadership is not simply a matter of going it alone and bearing all of the burden ourselves. '''Real leadership creates the conditions and coalitions for others to step up as well; to work with allies and partners so that they bear their share of the burden and pay their share of the costs; and to see that the principles of justice and human dignity are upheld by all.''' * When one of our airmen parachuted to the ground, in a country whose leader has so often demonized the United States — in a region that has such a difficult history with our country — this American did not find enemies. Instead, he was met by people who embraced him. One young Libyan who came to his aid said, “We are your friends. We are so grateful to those men who are protecting the skies.” <br> '''This voice is just one of many in a region where a new generation is refusing to be denied their rights and opportunities any longer. <br> Yes, this change will make the world more complicated for a time. Progress will be uneven, and change will come differently to different countries.''' There are places, like Egypt, where this change will inspire us and raise our hopes. And then there will be places, like Iran, where change is fiercely suppressed. '''The dark forces of civil conflict and sectarian war will have to be averted, and difficult political and economic concerns will have to be addressed. <br> The United States will not be able to dictate the pace and scope of this change. Only the people of the region can do that. But we can make a difference.''' * '''I believe that this movement of change cannot be turned back, and that we must stand alongside those who believe in the same core principles that have guided us through many storms: our opposition to violence directed at one’s own people; our support for a set of universal rights, including the freedom for people to express themselves and choose their leaders; our support for governments that are ultimately responsive to the aspirations of the people. <br> Born, as we are, out of a revolution by those who longed to be free, we welcome the fact that history is on the move in the Middle East and North Africa, and that young people are leading the way.''' Because wherever people long to be free, they will find a friend in the United States. '''Ultimately, it is that faith — those ideals — that are the true measure of American leadership.''' * My fellow Americans, I know that at a time of upheaval overseas -- when the news is filled with conflict and change -- it can be tempting to turn away from the world. And as I’ve said before, '''our strength abroad is anchored in our strength here at home. That must always be our North Star -- the ability of our people to reach their potential, to make wise choices with our resources, to enlarge the prosperity that serves as a wellspring for our power, and to live the values that we hold so dear.''' * '''For generations, we have done the hard work of protecting our own people, as well as millions around the globe. We have done so because we know that our own future is safer, our own future is brighter, if more of mankind can live with the bright light of freedom and dignity.''' <br> Tonight, let us give thanks for the Americans who are serving through these trying times, and the coalition that is carrying our effort forward. And '''let us look to the future with confidence and hope not only for our own country, but for all those yearning for freedom around the world.''' ==== Remarks on death of Osama bin Laden (May 2011) ==== [[File:National Park Service 9-11 Statue of Liberty and WTC fire.jpg|thumb|On [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country.]] [[File:September 14 2001 Ground Zero 02.jpg|thumb|Tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed on 9/11.]] [[File:Tribute in Light Memorial September 9 2004.jpg|thumb|The cause of securing our country is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/05/02/remarks-president-osama-bin-laden Whitehouse transcript and video (1 May 2011)]</small> * '''Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has conducted an operation that killed [[Osama bin Laden]], the leader of al Qaeda, and a terrorist who’s responsible for the murder of thousands of innocent men, women, and children.''' * '''On [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country.''' On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one American family. <br> We were also united in our resolve to protect our nation and to bring those who committed this vicious attack to justice. We quickly learned that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by al Qaeda — an organization headed by Osama bin Laden, which had openly declared war on the United States and was committed to killing innocents in our country and around the globe. '''And so we went to war against al Qaeda to protect our citizens, our friends, and our allies.''' * Last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible lead to bin Laden. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we had located bin Laden hiding within a compound deep inside of Pakistan. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and authorized an operation to get Osama bin Laden and bring him to justice. <br> '''Today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. A small team of Americans carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability.''' No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed Osama bin Laden and took custody of his body. * '''For over two decades, bin Laden has been al Qaeda’s leader and symbol, and has continued to plot attacks against our country and our friends and allies. The death of bin Laden marks the most significant achievement to date in our nation’s effort to defeat al Qaeda. <br> Yet his death does not mark the end of our effort.''' There’s no doubt that al Qaeda will continue to pursue attacks against us. We must — and we will — remain vigilant at home and abroad. <br> As we do, we must also reaffirm that the United States is not — and never will be — at war with Islam. I’ve made clear, just as President [[George W. Bush|Bush]] did shortly after 9/11, that our war is not against Islam. '''Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader; he was a mass murderer of Muslims. Indeed, al Qaeda has slaughtered scores of Muslims in many countries, including our own. So his demise should be welcomed by all who believe in peace and human dignity.''' * '''The American people did not choose this fight. It came to our shores, and started with the senseless slaughter of our citizens.''' After nearly 10 years of service, struggle, and sacrifice, we know well the costs of war. These efforts weigh on me every time I, as Commander-in-Chief, have to sign a letter to a family that has lost a loved one, or look into the eyes of a service member who’s been gravely wounded. <br> So Americans understand the costs of war. Yet as a country, we will never tolerate our security being threatened, nor stand idly by when our people have been killed. We will be relentless in defense of our citizens and our friends and allies. We will be true to the values that make us who we are. And on nights like this one, we can say to those families who have lost loved ones to al Qaeda’s terror: Justice has been done. * '''Tonight, we give thanks to the countless intelligence and counterterrorism professionals who’ve worked tirelessly to achieve this outcome.''' The American people do not see their work, nor know their names. But tonight, they feel the satisfaction of their work and the result of their pursuit of justice. <br> We give thanks for the men who carried out this operation, for they exemplify the professionalism, patriotism, and unparalleled courage of those who serve our country. * '''Tonight, let us think back to the sense of unity that prevailed on 9/11.''' I know that it has, at times, frayed. Yet today’s achievement is a testament to the greatness of our country and the determination of the American people. <br> The cause of securing our country is not complete. But tonight, we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to. That is the story of our history, whether it’s the pursuit of prosperity for our people, or the struggle for equality for all our citizens; our commitment to stand up for our values abroad, and our sacrifices to make the world a safer place. <br> '''Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.''' <br> Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America. ==== Remarks by the President to Parliament in London, United Kingdom (May 2011) ==== :<small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2011/05/25/remarks-president-parliament-london-united-kingdom Remarks by the President to Parliament in London, United Kingdom (May 2011)]</small> * I have known few greater honors than the opportunity to address the Mother of Parliaments at Westminster Hall. I am told that the last three speakers here have been the Pope, Her Majesty the Queen, and Nelson Mandela -- which is either a very high bar or the beginning of a very funny joke. * I come here today to reaffirm one of the oldest, one of the strongest alliances the world has ever known. It’s long been said that the United States and the United Kingdom share a special relationship. And since we also share an especially active press corps, that relationship is often analyzed and overanalyzed for the slightest hint of stress or strain. * Centuries ago, when kings, emperors, and warlords reigned over much of the world, it was the English who first spelled out the rights and liberties of man in the Magna Carta. It was here, in this very hall, where the rule of law first developed, courts were established, disputes were settled, and citizens came to petition their leaders... Over time, the people of this nation waged a long and sometimes bloody struggle to expand and secure their freedom from the crown. Propelled by the ideals of the Enlightenment, they would ultimately forge an English Bill of Rights, and invest the power to govern in an elected parliament that’s gathered here today... What began on this island would inspire millions throughout the continent of Europe and across the world. But perhaps no one drew greater inspiration from these notions of freedom than your rabble-rousing colonists on the other side of the Atlantic. As Winston Churchill said, the "...Magna Carta, the Bill of Rights, Habeas Corpus, trial by jury, and English common law find their most famous expression in the American Declaration of Independence." * The nature of our leadership will need to change with the times. As I said the first time I came to London as President, for the G20 summit, the days are gone when Roosevelt and Churchill could sit in a room and solve the world’s problems over a glass of brandy -– although I’m sure that Prime Minister Cameron would agree that some days we could both use a stiff drink. * These challenges come at a time when the international order has already been reshaped for a new century. Countries like China, India, and Brazil are growing by leaps and bounds. We should welcome this development, for it has lifted hundreds of millions from poverty around the globe, and created new markets and opportunities for our own nations. And yet, as this rapid change has taken place, it’s become fashionable in some quarters to question whether the rise of these nations will accompany the decline of American and European influence around the world. Perhaps, the argument goes, these nations represent the future, and the time for our leadership has passed. That argument is wrong. The time for our leadership is now. It was the United States and the United Kingdom and our democratic allies that shaped a world in which new nations could emerge and individuals could thrive. And even as more nations take on the responsibilities of global leadership, our alliance will remain indispensable to the goal of a century that is more peaceful, more prosperous and more just. * Adam Smith’s central insight remains true today: There is no greater generator of wealth and innovation than a system of free enterprise that unleashes the full potential of individual men and women. That’s what led to the Industrial Revolution that began in the factories of Manchester. That is what led to the dawn of the Information Age that arose from the office parks of Silicon Valley. That’s why countries like China, India and Brazil are growing so rapidly -- because in fits and starts, they are moving toward market-based principles that the United States and the United Kingdom have always embraced. * Moreover, even when the free market works as it should, both our countries recognize that no matter how responsibly we live in our lives, hard times or bad luck, a crippling illness or a layoff may strike any one of us. And so part of our common tradition has expressed itself in a conviction that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security -– health care if you get sick, unemployment insurance if you lose your job, a dignified retirement after a lifetime of hard work. That commitment to our citizens has also been the reason for our leadership in the world. * We do these things because we believe not simply in the rights of nations; we believe in the rights of citizens. That is the beacon that guided us through our fight against fascism and our twilight struggle against communism. * Precisely because we are willing to bear its burden, we know well the cost of war. And that is why we built an alliance that was strong enough to defend this continent while deterring our enemies. At its core, NATO is rooted in the simple concept of Article Five: that no NATO nation will have to fend on its own; that allies will stand by one another, always. And for six decades, NATO has been the most successful alliance in human history. * And we share a common interest in development that advances dignity and security. To succeed, we must cast aside the impulse to look at impoverished parts of the globe as a place for charity. Instead, we should empower the same forces that have allowed our own people to thrive: We should help the hungry to feed themselves, the doctors who care for the sick. We should support countries that confront corruption, and allow their people to innovate. And we should advance the truth that nations prosper when they allow women and girls to reach their full potential. * We also know that populism can take dangerous turns -– from the extremism of those who would use democracy to deny minority rights, to the nationalism that left so many scars on this continent in the 20th century. * Churchill and Roosevelt had their differences. They were keen observers of each other’s blind spots and shortcomings, if not always their own, and they were hard-headed about their ability to remake the world. But what joined the fates of these two men at that particular moment in history was not simply a shared interest in victory on the battlefield. It was a shared belief in the ultimate triumph of human freedom and human dignity -– a conviction that we have a say in how this story ends. * With courage and purpose, with humility and with hope, with faith in the promise of tomorrow, let us march straightforward together, enduring allies in the cause of a world that is more peaceful, more prosperous, and more just. ==== UN speech to General Assembly (September 2011) ==== :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/09/21/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly, September 21, 2011]</small> * America’s commitment to Israel’s security is unshakeable. Our friendship with Israel is deep and enduring. And so we believe that any lasting peace must acknowledge the very real security concerns that Israel faces every single day. * Israel is surrounded by neighbors that have waged repeated wars against it. Israel’s citizens have been killed by rockets fired at their houses and suicide bombs on their buses. Israel’s children come of age knowing that throughout the region, other children are taught to hate them. Israel, a small country of less than eight million people, looks out at a world where leaders of much larger nations threaten to wipe it off of the map. The Jewish people carry the burden of centuries of exile, and persecution, and the fresh memory of knowing that six million people were killed simply because of who they are. * The Jewish people have forged a successful state in their historic homeland. Israel deserves recognition. It deserves normal relations with its neighbors. And friends of the Palestinians do them no favors by ignoring this truth, just as friends of Israel must recognize the need to pursue a two-state solution with a secure Israel next to an independent Palestine. * As we meet here today, men and women and children are being tortured, detained and murdered by the Syrian regime. Thousands have been killed, many during the holy time of Ramadan. Thousands more have poured across Syria’s borders. The Syrian people have shown dignity and courage in their pursuit of justice -- protesting peacefully, standing silently in the streets, dying for the same values that this institution is supposed to stand for. And the question for us is clear: Will we stand with the Syrian people, or with their oppressors? * Already, the United States has imposed strong sanctions on Syria’s leaders. We supported a transfer of power that is responsive to the Syrian people. And many of our allies have joined in this effort. But for the sake of Syria -- and the peace and security of the world -- we must speak with one voice. There's no excuse for inaction. Now is the time for the United Nations Security Council to sanction the Syrian regime, and to stand with the Syrian people. ==== Remarks on the economy (July 2011) ==== * I will not sign a 30-day or a 60-day or a 90-day extension. That is just not an acceptable approach. And if we think it’s going to be hard -- if we think it’s hard now, imagine how these guys are going to be thinking six months from now in the middle of election season where they’re all up. It’s not going to get easier. It’s going to get harder. So we might as well do it now -- pull off the Band-Aid; eat our peas. Now is the time to do it. If not now, when? ** Regarding stopgap measures for the federal budget, [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/07/11/press-conference-president White House press conference (11 July 2011)] * It is easy to get to a higher number when you are not asking anything difficult from yourself. **In response to [[:w:en:Party leaders of the United States House of Representatives|House Majority Leader]] [[Eric Cantor]] ([[:w:en:Republican|R]]-[[:w:en:Virgiania|Va.]]), who, on behalf of the Republican party, wanted steeper cuts, while opposing tax rises (also termed as revenue enhancements) in a meeting about the U.S. [[:w:en:United States public debt#Debt ceiling|debt ceiling]] on July 13, 2011. ** According to an unidentified source{{source}}, as reported by blogger Sam Stien, [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/13/obama-debt-ceiling-meeting_n_897834.html "Obama Warns Cantor 'Don't Call My Bluff' As Debt Talks Stall,"] ''The Huffington Post'', 14 July 2011 <!-- "The president reportedly responded" isn't even an attribution, it's a rumor --> * I've been left at the altar now a couple of times. ** On the progress with [[w:2011_US_debt_ceiling_crisis|debt ceiling negotiations]]. [http://www.usatoday.com/news/washington/2011-07-22-obama-boehner-debt-talks_n.htm?csp=34news USA Today (July 23, 2011): ''Debt talks crisis: Boehner, Obama trading blame''] * Markets will rise and fall, but this is the United States of America. No matter what some agency may say, we've always been and always will be a AAA country. ** On the credit rating agency Standard & Poor's decision to downgrade the USA's credit rating, as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/09/us/politics/09obama.html Obama Counsels Calm, but No Deal Is in Sight]", ''The New York Times'' (8 August 2011)] <!-- also [http://www.barackobama.com/news/entry/we-will-always-be-a-aaa-country/ "We Will Always Be a AAA Country" ''barackobama.com'', (8 August 2012) --> ==== Remarks at a Dedication Ceremony for the [[w:Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial|Martin Luther King, Jr., National Memorial]] (October 2011) ==== [[File:20081102 Obama-Springsteen Rally in Cleveland.JPG|thumb|Change has never been quick. Change has never been simple, or without controversy. Change depends on persistence. Change requires determination.]] :<small>Barack Obama's [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=96905&st=&st1=#axzz1uaMPaFY3 remarks at the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial Dedication at The National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (16 October 2011)</small> * '''First and foremost, let us remember that change has never been quick. Change has never been simple, or without controversy. Change depends on persistence. Change requires determination.''' * [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Dr. King]] understood that peace without justice was no peace at all; that '''aligning our reality with our ideals often requires the speaking of uncomfortable truths and the creative tension of non-violent protest.''' But he also understood that '''to bring about true and lasting change, there must be the possibility of reconciliation'''; that any social movement has to channel this tension through the spirit of love and mutuality. If he were alive today, I believe he would remind us that the unemployed worker can rightly challenge the excesses of Wall Street without demonizing all who work there; that the businessman can enter tough [[negotiations]] with his company’s union without vilifying the right to collectively bargain. He would want us to know we can argue fiercely about the proper size and role of government without questioning each other’s love for this country -- (applause) -- with the knowledge that in this democracy, '''government is no distant object but is rather an expression of our common commitments to one another.''' He would call on us to assume the best in each other rather than the worst, and challenge one another in ways that ultimately heal rather than wound. === 2012 === [[File:2012 Sydney protest.jpg|thumb|right|The strongest weapon against hateful speech is not repression; it is more speech -- the voices of tolerance that rally against [[bigotry]] and [[blasphemy]], and lift up the values of understanding and mutual respect. [...] There is no speech that justifies mindless violence. There are no words that excuse the killing of innocents.]] [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|Public service ought to be more than just doing what’s popular in the moment. [...] it ought to be about what’s right for our nation, over the long term. It ought to be about problem-solving and governance, not just how we can score political points on each other or engage in obstructionism. And where compromise is not a vice and where bipartisanship is a actually considered a virtue -- to be rewarded, not punished.]] * My main message is to the parents of [[w:Trayvon Martin|Trayvon Martin]]. You know, if I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon. ** [http://www.politico.com/blogs/politico44/2012/03/obama-if-i-had-a-son-hed-look-like-trayvon-118439 Obama: 'If I had a son, he'd look like Trayvon'], ''Politico'' (23 March 2012) * 'After my election, I have more flexibility', spoken March 26, 2012 to Russian Prime Minister [[Dmitry Medvedev]] while in Korea. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/posttv/politics/obama-overheard-after-my-election-i-have-more-flexibility-131/2012/03/26/gIQA8mWmbS_video.html The Washington Post: "Obama overheard: 'After my election, I have more flexibility' (1:31)" (March 26, 2012)] * By 2014, the war in Afghanistan will be over. ** [https://twitter.com/barackobama/status/198829802206150656 Tweet] (5 May 2012) * The truth of the matter is that, as I said, we've created 4.3 million jobs over the last 27 months, over 800,000 just this year alone. '''The private sector is doing fine.''' Where we're seeing weaknesses in our economy have to do with state and local government — oftentimes, cuts initiated by governors or mayors who are not getting the kind of help that they have in the past from the federal government and who don't have the same kind of flexibility as the federal government in dealing with fewer revenues coming in. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/06/08/remarks-president press conference] on the economy, {{#formatdate:2012-06-08}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-06-10 | title = Obama's private sector remarks critiqued, defended on Sunday shows | first = Morgan | last = Little | newspaper = {{w|Los Angeles Times}} | url = http://articles.latimes.com/2012/jun/10/news/la-pn-obamas-private-sector-remarks-critiqued-defended-on-sunday-shows-20120610 | accessdate = 2012-06-29 }} * Listen, it is absolutely clear the economy is not doing fine. That's the reason I had a press conference. That's why I spent yesterday, the day before yesterday, this past week, this past month, and this past year talking about how we can make the economy stronger. The economy is not doing fine. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/06/08/remarks-president-obama-and-president-aquino-philippines-after-bilateral press conference] welcoming President Aquino of the Philippines, {{#formatdate:2012-06-08}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-06-10 | title = Obama's private sector remarks critiqued, defended on Sunday shows | first = Morgan | last = Little | newspaper = {{w|Los Angeles Times}} | url = http://articles.latimes.com/2012/jun/10/news/la-pn-obamas-private-sector-remarks-critiqued-defended-on-sunday-shows-20120610 | accessdate = 2012-06-29 }} ** posed question: "Mr. President, Mitt Romney says you're out of touch for saying the private sector is doing fine. What's your response?" *<p>There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me — because they want to give something back. They know they didn't — look, '''if you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. You didn't get there on your own.''' I'm always struck by people who think, "well, it must be because I was just so smart." There are a lot of smart people out there. "It must be because I worked harder than everybody else." Let me tell you something — there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there.</p><p>'''If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help.''' There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges; '''if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen.''' The Internet didn't get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet.</p> ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/07/13/remarks-president-campaign-event-roanoke-virginia Campaign speech], Roanoke, Virginia, {{#formatdate:2012-07-13}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-07-16 | title = Did Obama Say, ‘If You’ve Got a Business, You Didn’t Build That’? | first = Jake | last = Tapper | newspaper = {{w|ABC News}} | url = http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/07/did-obama-say-if-youve-got-a-business-you-didnt-build-that/ | accessdate = 2012-07-29 }} For further information see [[w:You didn't build that|You didn't build that]] speech. * I'll cut out government spending that's not working, that we can't afford, but I'm also going to ask anybody making over $250,000 a year to go back to the tax rates they were paying under [[Bill Clinton]], back when our economy created 23 million new jobs, the biggest budget surplus in history and everybody did well. Just like we've tried their plan, '''we tried our plan — and it worked'''. That's the difference. That's the choice in this election. That's why I'm running for a second term. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/07/24/remarks-president-campaign-event Campaign speech], Oakland, California, {{#formatdate:2012-07-24}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-07-26 | title = Obama Now Partly Running On Bill Clinton’s Record — ‘Our Plan’ | first = Jake | last = Tapper | newspaper = ABC News | url = http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2012/07/obama-now-partly-running-on-bill-clintons-record-our-plan/ | accessdate = 2012-08-03 }} ** Partially quoted as "We tried our plan and it worked. That's the difference. That's the choice in this election. That's why I'm running for a second term." in Mitt Romney "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0etEmiCL8M It Worked]" campaign ad ({{#formatdate:2012-07-26}}) * Now, when we came together, we knew restoring that bargain — that deal, that compact — was not going to be easy. '''We knew it would take more than one year or one term or maybe even one President, because we had seen what had happened in the previous decade.''' Jobs had moved overseas. Folks were working harder and harder, but their wages or incomes, they were staying flat, sometimes even going down. The cost of everything from health care to college was going up. And then, it all culminated in the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression — a crisis that robbed too many of our friends and our neighbors of jobs, the value of their homes, their savings. And all that pushed the American Dream even further out of reach for too many working people. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/08/08/remarks-president-campaign-event Campaign speech], Grand Junction High School, Colorado, {{#formatdate:2012-08-08}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-08-09 | title = Obama in Colorado: “We knew it was going to take longer than one term . . .” | first = Ben | last = Collins | newspaper = Mitt Romney Central | url = http://mittromneycentral.com/2012/08/09/obama-in-colorado-we-knew-it-was-going-to-take-longer-than-one-term/ | accessdate = 2012-08-10 }} ** Furthermore compare what Obama said in [[Barack_Obama#2009|2009]] * '''You know, I would say Incomplete'''...but what I would say is the steps that we have taken in saving the auto industry, in making sure that college is more affordable and investing in clean energy and science and technology and research, those are all the things that we are going to need to grow over the long term. ** quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-09-03 | title = 11 News Anchor Dianne Derby Interviews President Obama | first = Dianne | last = Derby | newspaper = kktv.com | url = http://www.kktv.com/home/headlines/11-News-Anchor-Dianne-Derby-168414096.html | accessdate = 2012-09-04 }} ** posed question: Your party says you inherited a bad situation. You've had three and a half years to fix it. What grade would you give yourself so far for doing that? * Making products that we sell around the world stamped with three proud words: Made in the USA. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/09/09/remarks-president-campaign-event-melbourne-florida Remarks by the President at a Campaign Event – Melbourne, Florida] (9 September 2012) * We need a President who is fighting for all Americans, not one who writes off nearly half the country. ** [https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/248112876240379904 Tweet] (18 Sep 2012) * I think that I've learned some lessons over the past four years, and the most important lesson I've learned is that '''you can't change Washington from the inside. You can only change it from the outside.''' That's how I got elected and that's how the big accomplishments like health care got done – was because we mobilized the American people to speak out. That's how we were able to cut taxes for middle class families. So, something that I'd really like to concentrate on in my second term is being in a much more constant conversation with the American people, so that ''they'' can put pressure on Congress to move some of these issues forward. ** Univision forum, {{#formatdate:2012-09-20}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-09-20 | title = Obama: ‘You Can’t Change Washington From The Inside’ | first = Noah | last = Rothman | newspaper = Mediaite.com | url = http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-you-cant-change-washington-from-the-inside/ | accessdate = 2012-09-21 }} * '''In every culture, those who love freedom for themselves must ask themselves how much they're willing to tolerate freedom for others.''' That is what we saw play out in the last two weeks, as a crude and disgusting [[w:Innocence of Muslims|video]] sparked outrage throughout the [[Muslim world]]. Now, I have made it clear that the United States government had nothing to do with this video, and I believe its [[message]] must be rejected by all who respect our common humanity. It is an insult not only to Muslims, but to America as well. [...] I know there are some who ask why we don't just ban such a video. And the answer is enshrined in our laws: Our Constitution protects the right to practice [[free speech]]. Here in the United States, countless publications provoke offense. Like me, the majority of Americans are [[Christian]], and yet we do not [[Censorship|ban]] [[blasphemy]] against our most [[sacred]] [[beliefs]]. As President of our country and Commander-in-Chief of our military, I accept that people are going to call me awful things every day -- (laughter) -- and I will always defend their right to do so. (Applause.) [...] '''The strongest weapon against hateful speech is not repression; it is more speech -- the voices of tolerance that rally against bigotry and blasphemy, and lift up the values of understanding and mutual respect. [...] On this we must agree: There is no speech that justifies mindless violence.''' (Applause.) '''There are no words that excuse the killing of innocents.''' There's no video that justifies an attack on an embassy. There's no slander that provides an excuse for people to burn a restaurant in Lebanon, or destroy a school in Tunis, or cause death and destruction in Pakistan. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/09/25/remarks-president-un-general-assembly Remarks by the President to the UN General Assembly] (25 September 2012), quoted in [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/president-obama-condemns-both-disgusting-anti-islam-video-and-mindless-violence-before-the-u-n/ "President Obama Condemns Both ‘Disgusting’ Anti-Islam Video And ‘Mindless’ Violence Before The U.N."] by Andrew Kirell, ''mediaite.com''. [[File:Al-Masjid AL-Nabawi Door.jpg|thumbnail|The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of [[Islam]].]] * '''The future must not belong to those who target [[w:Coptic Christians|Coptic Christians]] in [[Egypt]] — it must be claimed by those in Tahrir Square who chanted "[[Muslims]], [[Christians]], we are one." '''The future must not belong to those who bully women — it must be shaped by girls who go to school, and those who stand for a world where our daughters can live their dreams just like our sons. The future must not belong to those corrupt few who steal a country's resources — it must be won by the students and entrepreneurs; workers and business owners who seek a broader prosperity for all people. Those are the men and women that America stands with; theirs is the vision we will support. '''The future must not belong to those who slander the prophet of [[Islam]]. Yet to be credible, those who condemn that slander must also condemn the [[hate]] we see when the image of [[Jesus]] [[Christ]] is desecrated, churches are destroyed, or [[the Holocaust]] is denied.''' Let us condemn incitement against [[Sufi]] Muslims, and Shiite pilgrims. It is time to heed the words of [[Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi|Gandhi]]: "[[Intolerance]] is itself a form of [[violence]] and an obstacle to the growth of a true democratic spirit." Together, we must work towards a world where we are strengthened by our differences, and not defined by them. That is what America embodies, and that is the vision we will support. ** Speech to United Nations General Assembly, {{#formatdate:2012-09-25}}, quoted in {{cite news | date = 2012-09-25 | title = Obama: ‘The Future Must Not Belong To Those Who Slander the Prophet of Islam’ | first = Katrina | last = Trinko | newspaper = National Review | url = http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/328483/obama-future-must-not-belong-those-who-slander-prophet-islam-katrina-trinko | accessdate = 2012-09-29 }} * “Assume that in 30 minutes you will stop being president. I will take your place. Prepare me. Teach me how to be president.” <br> This was the third time I’d put the question to him, in one form or another. The first time, a month earlier in this same cabin, he’d had a lot of trouble getting his mind around the idea that I, not he, was president. He’d started by saying something he knew to be dull and expected but that—he insisted—was nevertheless perfectly true. “Here is what I would tell you,” he’d said. “'''I would say that your first and principal task is to think about the hopes and dreams the American people invested in you. Everything you are doing has to be viewed through this prism. And I tell you what every president … I actually think every president understands this responsibility.''' I don’t know [[George W. Bush|George Bush]] well. I know [[Bill Clinton]] better. But I think they both approached the job in that spirit.” Then he added that the world thinks he spends a lot more time worrying about political angles than he actually does. :* [[w:Michael Lewis|Michael Lewis]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama "Obama's Way"], ''Vanity Fair'', (October 2012). * The gist of Obama’s advice to any would-be president is something like this: You may think that the presidency is essentially a public-relations job. Relations with the public are indeed important, maybe now more than ever, as public opinion is the only tool he has for pressuring an intractable opposition to agree on anything. He admits that he has been guilty, at times, of misreading the public. He badly underestimated, for instance, how little it would cost Republicans politically to oppose ideas they had once advocated, merely because Obama supported them. He thought the other side would pay a bigger price for inflicting damage on the country for the sake of defeating a president. But the idea that he might somehow frighten Congress into doing what he wanted was, to him, clearly absurd. “All of these forces have created an environment in which the incentives for politicians to cooperate don’t function the way they used to,” he said. “'''[[Lyndon B. Johnson|L.B.J.]] operated in an environment in which if he got a couple of committee chairmen to agree he had a deal. Those chairmen didn’t have to worry about a Tea Party challenge. About cable news. That model has progressively shifted for each president. It’s not a fear-versus-a-nice-guy approach that is the choice. The question is: How do you shape public opinion and frame an issue so that it’s hard for the opposition to say no. And these days you don’t do that by saying, ‘I’m going to withhold an earmark,’ or ‘I’m not going to appoint your brother-in-law to the federal bench.’'''” :* [[w:Michael Lewis|Michael Lewis]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama "Obama's Way"], ''Vanity Fair'', (October 2012). * Many if not most of his decisions are thrust upon the president, out of the blue, by events beyond his control: oil spills, financial panics, pandemics, earthquakes, fires, coups, invasions, underwear bombers, movie-theater shooters, and on and on and on. They don’t order themselves neatly for his consideration but come in waves, jumbled on top of each other. '''“Nothing comes to my desk that is perfectly solvable,” Obama said at one point. “Otherwise, someone else would have solved it. So you wind up dealing with probabilities. Any given decision you make you’ll wind up with a 30 to 40 percent chance that it isn’t going to work. You have to own that and feel comfortable with the way you made the decision. You can’t be paralyzed by the fact that it might not work out.”''' On top of all of this, after you have made your decision, you need to feign total certainty about it. People being led do not want to think probabilistically. :* [[w:Michael Lewis|Michael Lewis]], [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2012/10/michael-lewis-profile-barack-obama "Obama's Way"], ''Vanity Fair'', (October 2012). *<p>Now that we're 18 days before the election, Mr. Severely Conservative wants you to think he was severely kidding about everything he said over the last year. He told folks he was the ideal candidate for the Tea Party, now he's telling folks, "What? Who me?" He's forgetting what his own positions are. And he's betting that you will too. I mean, he's changing up so much and backtrackin' and sidesteppin'. We've gotta name this condition that he's going though. I think it's called Romnesia. That's what it's called. I think that's what he's goin' through. Now, I'm not a medical doctor, but I do wanna go over some of the symptoms with you, because I wanna make sure nobody else catches it.</p><p>You know, if you ''say'' you're for equal pay for equal work, but you keep refusing to say whether or not you'd sign [[w:Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009|a bill that protects equal pay for equal work]], you might have Romnesia.</p><p>If you say women should have access to contraceptive care, but you support legislation that would let your employer deny you contraceptive care, you might have a case of Romnesia.</p><p>If you say you'll protect a woman's right to choose, but you stand up in a primary debate and say that you'd be delighted to sign a law outlying — outlawing that right to choose in ''all'' cases — man, you ''definitely'' got Romnesia.</p><p>Now, this extends to other issues. If you say earlier in the year, "I'm gonna give a tax cut to the top 1%", and in a debate you say, "I don't know anything about giving tax cuts to rich folks", you need to get a thermometer, take your temperature, because you've probably got Romnesia.</p><p>If you say that you're a champion of the coal industry when, while you were governor, you stood in front of a coal plant and said "This plant will kill you" —[audience: Romnesia!] that's some Romnesia.</p><p>And if you come down with a case of Romnesia and you can't seem to remember the policies that are still on your website, or the promises you've made over the six years you've been running for President, here's the good news: Obamacare covers pre-existing conditions. We can fix you up. We've got a cure. We can make you well, Virginia. This is a curable disease.</p> ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/10/19/remarks-president-campaign-event-fairfax-va Campaign rally], George Mason University, Fairfax, Virginia, {{#formatdate:2012-10-19}} * The sequester is not something that I proposed. It's something that Congress has proposed. It will not happen. ** [http://www.npr.org/2012/10/22/163436694/transcript-3rd-obama-romney-presidential-debate Third Presidential Debate] (22 October 2012) * I think Governor Romney maybe hasn't spent enough time looking at how our military works. You mentioned the Navy, for example, and that we have fewer ships than we did in 1916. Well, Governor, '''we also have fewer horses and [[bayonets]]''', because the nature of our military's changed. We have these things called aircraft carriers, where planes land on them. We have these ships that go underwater, nuclear submarines. And so the question is not a game of [[w:Battleship (game)|Battleship]], where we're counting ships. It's: What are our capabilities? ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/presidential-debate-full-transcript/story?id=17538888 Third presidential debate], Lynn University, Boca Raton, Florida, {{#formatdate:2012-10-22}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-10-23 | title = Horses, bayonets, and battleships | first = Prachi | last = Gupta | periodical = [[w:Salon (magazine)|Salon]] | url = http://www.salon.com/2012/10/23/horses_bayonets_and_battleships/ | accessdate = 2012-10-24 }} * When it comes to our foreign policy, you seem to want to import the foreign policies of the 1980s, just like the social policies of the 1950s and the economic policies of the 1920s. ** [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/presidential-debate-full-transcript/story?id=17538888 Third presidential debate], Lynn University, Boca Raton, Florida, {{#formatdate:2012-10-22}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-10-22 | title = The Winning Combination | first = Editorial | last = | periodical = New York Sun | url = http://www.nysun.com/editorials/the-winning-combination/88047/ | accessdate = 2012-10-25 }} * But right now, the key is to make sure that the public is following instructions. For those of you who still need additional information about how to respond, you can go to Ready.gov -- that’s Ready.gov. And that website should provide you with all the information that your family needs in terms of how you can prepare for this storm. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2012/10/29/president-obama-makes-statement-hurricane-sandy#transcript Remarks by the President on Hurricane Sandy], quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-10-29 | title = FEMA, W.H. send storm victims to Internet | first = Steve | last = Friess | periodical = Politico | url = http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1012/83024.html?hp=l10 | accessdate = 2012-11-02 }} *Ayn Rand is one of those things that a lot of us, when we were 17 or 18 and feeling misunderstood, we'd pick up. Then, as we get older, we realize that a world in which we're only thinking about ourselves and not thinking about anybody else, in which we're considering the entire project of developing ourselves as more important than our relationships to other people and making sure that everybody else has opportunity – that that's a pretty narrow vision. **[http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/obama-and-the-road-ahead-the-rolling-stone-interview-20121025 "Obama and the Road Ahead: The Rolling Stone Interview"], 2012 * And at the time the Republican Congress and a Senate candidate by the name of Mitt Romney — ''[crowd boos]'' No, no, no — Don't boo, vote. Vote! '''Voting's the best revenge.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/11/02/remarks-president-springfield-oh Springfield, Ohio campaign event], {{#formatdate:2012-11-02}} ** quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-11-02 | title = Obama to supporters: Voting 'best revenge' against Mitt Romney | first = Joe | last = Newby | periodical = Examiner | url = http://www.examiner.com/node/54880521 | accessdate = 2012-11-03 }} and {{citation | date = 2012-11-03 | title = Obama tells crowd 'voting is the best revenge'; Romney freaks out | first = Laura | last = Clawson | periodical = {{w|Daily Kos}} | url = http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/11/03/1154805/-Obama-tells-crowd-voting-is-the-best-revenge-Romney-freaks-out | accessdate = 2012-11-03 }} * '''[D]emocracy is not something that is static; it’s something that we constantly have to work on. [...]democracy is a little messier than alternative systems of government, but that’s because democracy allows everybody to have a voice. And that system of government lasts, and it’s legitimate, and when agreements are finally struck, you know that nobody is being left out of the conversation.''' And that’s the reason for our stability and our prosperity. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/11/18/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-shinawatra-joint-press-confer Joint news conference with Thai Prime Minister Yingluck Shinawatra at Government House, Bangkok, Thailand on November 18, 2012] * At times, we’ve disagreed on matters of policy. But one thing we’ve always shared is a notion of what '''public service''' should be. That it '''ought to be more than just doing what’s popular in the moment.''' That it '''ought to be about what’s right for our nation, over the long term. It ought to be about problem-solving and governance, not just how we can score political points on each other or engage in obstructionism. And where compromise is not a vice and where bipartisanship is a actually considered a virtue -- to be rewarded, not punished.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/12/03/remarks-president-nunn-lugar-cooperative-threat-reduction-symposium Remarks by the President at the Nunn-Lugar Cooperative Threat Reduction Symposium hold at The National War College in Washington, D.C. on December 03, 2012.] ==== Remarks at Clinton Global Initiative (September 2012) ==== [[File:Slavezanzibar2.JPG|thumb|Our people and our children are not for sale.]] [[File:Abolish child slavery.jpg|thumb|A sense of justice that says no child should ever be exploited, that has to be burned into the cultures of every country.]] [[File:Barack Obama at the Clinton Global Initiative.jpg|thumb|Human trafficking is not a business model, it is a crime.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/23/remarks-president-clinton-global-initiative Remarks by the President to the Clinton Global Initiative] at Sheraton New York Hotel and Towers in New York City, New York on September 25, 2012</small> * As [[Bill Clinton|Bill]] mentioned, I’ve come to CGI every year that I’ve been President, and I’ve talked with you about how we need to sustain the economic recovery, how we need to create more jobs. I’ve talked about the importance of development -- from global health to our fight against HIV/AIDS to the growth that lifts nations to prosperity. We've talked about development and how it has to include women and girls -- because by every benchmark, nations that educate their women and girls end up being more successful. And today, I want to discuss an issue that relates to each of these challenges. '''It ought to concern every person, because it is a debasement of our common humanity. It ought to concern every community, because it tears at our social fabric. It ought to concern every business, because it distorts markets. It ought to concern every nation, because it endangers public health and fuels violence and organized crime. I’m talking about the injustice, the outrage, of human trafficking, which must be called by its true name -- modern slavery.''' * Now, I do not use that word, "slavery" lightly. It evokes obviously one of the most painful chapters in our nation’s history. But around the world, there’s no denying the awful reality. '''When a man, desperate for work, finds himself in a factory or on a fishing boat or in a field, working, toiling, for little or no pay, and beaten if he tries to escape -- that is slavery. When a woman is locked in a sweatshop, or trapped in a home as a domestic servant, alone and abused and incapable of leaving -- that’s slavery. When a little boy is kidnapped, turned into a child soldier, forced to kill or be killed -- that’s slavery. When a little girl is sold by her impoverished family''' -- girls my daughters’ age -- '''runs away from home, or is lured by the false promises of a better life, and then imprisoned in a brothel and tortured if she resists -- that’s slavery. It is barbaric, and it is evil, and it has no place in a civilized world.''' * '''Our people and our children are not for sale.''' But for all the progress that we’ve made, '''the bitter truth is that trafficking also goes on right here, in the United States. It’s the [[Migrant worker#United States|migrant worker]] unable to pay off the debt to his trafficker. The man, lured here with the promise of a job, his documents then taken, and forced to work endless hours in a kitchen. The teenage girl, beaten, forced to walk the streets. This should not be happening in the United States of America.''' * '''Of course, no government, no nation, can meet this challenge alone. Everybody has a responsibility. Every nation can take action. Modern anti-trafficking laws must be passed and enforced and justice systems must be strengthened. Victims must be cared for. [...] And more broadly, as nations, let’s recommit to addressing the underlying forces that push so many into bondage in the first place. With development and economic growth that creates legitimate jobs, there’s less likelihood of indentured servitude around the globe. A sense of justice that says no child should ever be exploited, that has to be burned into the cultures of every country.''' * '''Human trafficking is not a [[business model]], it is a crime''', and we are going to stop it. * And every business can take action. All the business leaders who are here and our global economy companies have a responsibility to make sure that their supply chains, stretching into the far corners of the globe, are free of forced labor. [...] Every faith community can take action as well, by educating their congregations, by joining in coalitions that are bound by a love of God and a concern for the oppressed. And '''like that Good Samaritan on the road to Jericho, we can’t just pass by, indifferent. We’ve got to be moved by compassion. We’ve got to bind up the wounds. Let’s come together around a simple truth -- that we are our brother’s keepers and we are our sister’s keepers.''' And finally, '''every citizen can take action: by learning more'''; by going to the website that we helped create -- SlaveryFootprint.org; '''by speaking up and insisting that the clothes we wear, the food we eat, the products we buy are made free of forced labor; by standing up against the degradation and abuse of women.''' ==== Re-election Speech (November 2012) ==== :<small>[http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/11/07/transcript-obama-reelection-speech/ Transcript of Barack Obama's reelection speech as reported by FoxNews.com, (7 November 2012)]</small> [http://www.examiner.com/article/president-obama-wins-reelection-moving-country-forward-with-hope-and-change Delievered at McCormick Place convention center in Chicago, Illinois] [http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/president-obama-victory-speech-hopeful-america-article-1.1197895 on November 6, 2012.] [[File:Defense.gov photo essay 120528-D-BW835-460.jpg|thumb|While each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.]] [[File:Obama speaking (23).jpg|thumb|Hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.]] [[File:Empire State Building Blue Obama Election.JPG|thumb|We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than [[w:Red states and blue states|a collection of red states and blue states]]. We are and forever will be the United States of America.]] * Tonight, more than 200 years [[w:History of the United States#Formation_of_the_United_States_.281776.E2.80.931789.29|after a former colony won the right to determine its own destiny]], the task of [[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution|perfecting our union]] moves forward. It moves forward because of you. It moves forward because you reaffirmed the spirit that has triumphed over [[w:World War II|war]] and [[w:Great Depression|depression]], the spirit that has lifted this country from the depths of despair to the great heights of hope, the belief that '''while each of us will pursue our own individual dreams, we are an American family and we rise or fall together as one nation and as one people.''' * Democracy in a nation of 300 million can be noisy and messy and complicated. '''We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy. That won't change after tonight, and it shouldn't. These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty. We can never forget that as we speak people in distant nations are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to cast their ballots like we did today.''' But despite all our differences, most of us share certain hopes for America's future. :We want our kids to grow up in a country where they have access to the best schools and the best teachers. :A country that lives up to its legacy as the global leader in technology and discovery and innovation, with all the good jobs and new businesses that follow. :We want our children to live in an America that isn't burdened by debt, that isn't weakened by inequality, that isn't threatened by the destructive power of a warming planet. :We want to pass on a country that's safe and respected and admired around the world, a nation that is defended by the strongest military on earth and the best troops this -- this world has ever known. :But also a country that moves with confidence beyond this time of war, to shape a peace that is built on the promise of freedom and dignity for every human being. We believe in a generous America, in a compassionate America, in a tolerant America, open to the dreams of an immigrant's daughter who studies in our schools and pledges to our flag. :To the young boy on the south side of Chicago who sees a life beyond the nearest street corner. :To the furniture worker's child in North Carolina who wants to become a doctor or a scientist, an engineer or an entrepreneur, a diplomat or even a president -- that's the future we hope for. That's the vision we share. That's where we need to go -- '''forward. That's where we need to go. Now, we will disagree, sometimes fiercely, about how to get there. As it has for more than two centuries, progress will come in fits and starts. It's not always a straight line. It's not always a smooth path. By itself, the recognition that we have common hopes and dreams won't end all the gridlock or solve all our problems or substitute for the painstaking work of building consensus and making the difficult compromises needed to move this country forward. But that common bond is where we must begin.''' * The role of citizen in our democracy does not end with your vote. '''America's never been about what can be done for us. It's about what can be done by us together through the hard and frustrating, but necessary work of self-government.''' That's the principle we were founded on. This country has more wealth than any nation, but that's not what makes us rich. We have the most powerful military in history, but that's not what makes us strong. Our university, our culture are all the envy of the world, but that's not what keeps the world coming to our shores. '''What makes America exceptional are the bonds that hold together the most diverse nation on earth. The belief that our destiny is shared; that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations. The freedom which so many Americans have fought for and died for comes with responsibilities as well as rights. And among those are love and charity and duty and patriotism. That's what makes America great.''' * '''I have never been more hopeful about America.''' And I ask you to sustain that hope. '''I'm not talking about blind optimism, the kind of hope that just ignores the enormity of the tasks ahead or the roadblocks that stand in our path. I'm not talking about the wishful idealism that allows us to just sit on the sidelines or shirk from a fight. I have always believed that hope is that stubborn thing inside us that insists, despite all the evidence to the contrary, that something better awaits us so long as we have the courage to keep reaching, to keep working, to keep fighting.''' * America, I believe we can build on the progress we've made and continue to fight for new jobs and new opportunity and new security for the middle class. I believe we can keep '''the promise of our founders''', the idea that '''if you're willing to work hard, it doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or what you look like or where you love. It doesn't matter whether you're black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or young or old or rich or poor, able, disabled, gay or straight, you can make it here in America if you're willing to try.''' I believe we can seize this future together because '''we are not as divided as our politics suggests. We're not as cynical as the pundits believe. We are greater than the sum of our individual ambitions, and we remain more than [[w:Red states and blue states|a collection of red states and blue states]]. We are and forever will be the United States of America.''' And together with your help and God's grace we will continue our journey forward and remind the world just why it is that we live in the greatest nation on Earth. ==== Yangon University Speech (November 2012) ==== :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2012/11/19/remarks-president-obama-university-yangon Remarks by President Obama at the University of Yangon, Rangoon, Burma, (19 November 2012)]</small> [[File:ObamaSouthCarolina.jpg|thumb|No human being can truly be imprisoned if hope burns in your heart. [...] A true revolution of the spirit begins in each of our hearts.]] [[File:Obama08acceptance.jpg|thumb|Power comes from appealing to people’s hopes, not people's fears.]] [[File:Barack Obama readings notes in the Red Room.jpg|thumb|No process of reform will succeed without national reconciliation.]] [[File:Barack Obama takes one last look in the mirror, before going out to take oath, Jan. 20, 2009.jpg|thumb|The most important office in a democracy is the office of citizen -- not President, not Speaker, but citizen.]] * [W]e were inspired by the fierce dignity of Daw [[Aung San Suu Kyi]], as she proved that '''no human being can truly be imprisoned if hope burns in your heart.''' * Even though we come from different places, '''we share common dreams: to choose our leaders; to live together in peace; to get an education and make a good living; to love our families and our communities. That’s why freedom is not an abstract idea; freedom is the very thing that makes human progress possible -- not just at the ballot box, but in our daily lives.''' <br> One of our greatest Presidents in the United States, [[Franklin Delano Roosevelt]], understood this truth. He defined America’s cause as more than the right to cast a ballot. He understood democracy was not just voting. He called upon the world to embrace four fundamental freedoms: '''freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from want, and freedom from fear. These four freedoms reinforce one another, and you cannot fully realize one without realizing them all.''' * And '''to protect the freedom of all the voters, those in power must accept constraints.''' That's what our American system is designed to do. Now, '''America may have the strongest military in the world, but it must submit to civilian control. I, as the President of the United States, make determinations that the military then carries out, not the other way around. As President and Commander-In-Chief, I have that responsibility because I'm accountable to the people.''' * Now, on other hand, as President, I cannot just impose my will on Congress -- the Congress of the United States -- even though sometimes I wish I could. The legislative branch has its own powers and its own prerogatives, and so they check my power and balance my power. I appoint some of our judges, but I cannot tell them how to rule, because every person in America -- from a child living in poverty to me, the President of the United States -- is equal under the law. And a judge can make a determination as to whether or not I am upholding the law or breaking the law. And I am fully accountable to that law. * '''It's not enough to trade a prison of powerlessness for the pain of an empty stomach.''' But history shows that [[Abraham Lincoln|governments of the people and by the people and for the people]] more powerful in delivering prosperity. * '''When ordinary people have a say in their own future, then your land can’t just be taken away from you.''' * And that kind of '''economic growth, where everybody has opportunity''' -- if you work hard, you can succeed -- that's what gets a nation moving rapidly when it comes to develop. But that kind of growth '''can only be created if corruption is left behind. For investment to lead to opportunity, reform must promote budgets that are transparent and industry that is privately owned.''' * Above all, when your voices are heard in government, it's far more likely that your basic needs will be met. And that’s why reform must reach the daily lives of those who are hungry and those who are ill, and those who live without electricity or water. * And let us remember that in a global economy, '''a country’s greatest resource is its people.''' So by investing in you, this nation can open the door for far more prosperity -- because '''unlocking a nation’s potential depends on empowering all its people, especially its young people.''' * '''No process of reform will succeed without national reconciliation.''' [...] National reconciliation will take time, but for the sake of our common humanity, and for the sake of this country’s future, [[w:Internal conflict in Burma|it is necessary to stop incitement and to stop violence]]. * Every nation struggles to define citizenship. America has had great debates about these issues, and those debates continue to this day, because we’re a nation of immigrants -- people coming from every different part of the world. But what we’ve learned in the United States is that there are certain principles that are universal, apply to everybody no matter what you look like, no matter where you come from, no matter what religion you practice. The right of people to live without the threat that their families may be harmed or their homes may be burned simply because of who they are or where they come from. Only the people of this country ultimately can define your union, can define what it means to be a citizen of this country. But I have confidence that as you do that you can draw on this diversity as a strength and not a weakness. Your country will be stronger because of many different cultures, but you have to seize that opportunity. You have to recognize that strength. * In many ways, '''fear is the force that stands between human beings and their dreams. Fear of conflict and the weapons of war. Fear of a future that is different from the past. Fear of changes that are reordering our societies and economy. Fear of people who look different, or come from a different place, or worship in a different way.''' In some of her darkest moments, when Aung San Suu Kyi was imprisoned, she wrote an essay about freedom from fear. She said fear of losing corrupts those who wield it -- “Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it, and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it.” That's the fear that you can leave behind. We see that chance in leaders who are beginning to understand that '''power comes from appealing to people’s hopes, not people's fears.''' * As one former prisoner put it in speaking to his fellow citizens, “Politics is your job. It’s not only for [the] politicians.” And we have an expression in the United States that '''the most important office in a democracy is the office of citizen -- not President, not Speaker, but citizen.''' * You're the ones who are going to have to seize freedom, because '''a true revolution of the spirit begins in each of our hearts.''' ==== Remarks after [[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Sandy Hook killings]] (December 2012) ==== [[File:Police at Sandy Hook.PNG|thumb|As a country, we have been through this too many times.]] :<small> [http://articles.washingtonpost.com/2012-12-14/politics/35846745_1_parent-children-transcript Televised remarks (14 December 2012)]</small> * '''As a country, we have been through this too many times.''' Whether it is [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|an elementary school in Newtown]], or [[w:Clackamas Town Center shooting|a shopping mall in Oregon]], or [[w:Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting|a temple in Wisconsin]], or [[w:2012 Aurora shooting|a movie theater in Aurora]], or [http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/ward-room/Obama-Includes-Street-In-Chicago-In-List-of-Tragedies-183542101.html a street corner in Chicago]<!--Obama Includes "Street In Chicago" In List of Tragedies by Lisa Balde on Friday, Dec 14, 2012 from NBC Chicago Source: http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/ward-room/Obama-Includes-Street-In-Chicago-In-List-of-Tragedies-183542101.html#ixzz2Gxi0R15C -->, these neighborhoods are our neighborhoods and these children are our children. And we’re going to have to come together and take meaningful action to prevent more tragedies like this, regardless of the politics. <br> This evening, Michelle and I will do what I know every parent in America will do, which is hug our children a little tighter, and we’ll tell them that we love them, and we’ll remind each other how deeply we love one another. But there are families in Connecticut who cannot do that tonight, and they need all of us right now. In the hard days to come, that community needs us to be at our best as Americans, and I will do everything in my power as president to help, because while nothing can fill the space of a lost child or loved one, all of us can extend a hand to those in need, to remind them that we are there for them, that we are praying for them, that the love they felt for those they lost endures not just in their memories, but also in ours. <br> May God bless the memory of the victims and, in the words of Scripture, heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. ==== Sandy Hook Prayer Vigil (December 2012) ==== [[File:Sandy Hook Memorial.PNG|thumb|These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this.]] [[File:Barack Obama with relatives of Emilie Parker.jpg|thumb|There’s only one thing we can be sure of, and that is the love that we have for our children, for our families, for each other. The warmth of a small child’s embrace, that is true.]] :<small> [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2012/12/16/president-obama-speaks-prayer-vigil-victims-shooting-connecticut President Obama at Prayer Vigil for Connecticut Shooting Victims: "Newtown, You Are Not Alone"] (16 December 2012)<!-- [http://www.npr.org/2012/12/16/167412995/transcript-president-obama-at-sandy-hook-prayer-vigil President Obama At Sandy Hook Prayer Vigil (16 December 2012)] --></small> * We gather here in memory of 20 beautiful children and six remarkable adults. They lost their lives in a school that could have been any school in a quiet town full of good and decent people that could be any town in America. <br> Here in Newtown, I come to offer the love and prayers of a nation. I am very mindful that mere words cannot match the depths of your sorrow, nor can they heal your wounded hearts. <br> I can only hope it helps for you to know that you’re not alone in your grief, that our world, too, has been torn apart, that all across this land of ours, we have wept with you. We’ve pulled our children tight. <br> And you must know that whatever measure of comfort we can provide, we will provide. Whatever portion of sadness that we can share with you to ease this heavy load, we will gladly bear it. Newtown, you are not alone. * As a community, you’ve inspired us, Newtown. In the face of indescribable violence, in the face of unconscionable evil, you’ve looked out for each other. You’ve cared for one another. And you’ve loved one another. This is how Newtown will be remembered, and with time and God’s grace, that love will see you through. <br> But we as a nation, we are left with some hard questions. * It comes as a shock at a certain point where you realize no matter how much you love these kids, you can’t do it by yourself, that this job of keeping our children safe and teaching them well is something we can only do together, with the help of friends and neighbors, the help of a community and the help of a nation. <br> And in that way we come to realize that we bear responsibility for every child, because we’re counting on everybody else to help look after ours, that we’re all parents, that they are all our children <br> This is our first task, caring for our children. It’s our first job. If we don’t get that right, we don’t get anything right. That’s how, as a society, we will be judged. * Can we honestly say that we’re doing enough to keep our children, all of them, safe from harm? <br> Can we claim, as a nation, that we’re all together there, letting them know they are loved and teaching them to love in return? <br> Can we say that we’re truly doing enough to give all the children of this country the chance they deserve to live out their lives in happiness and with purpose? <br> I’ve been reflecting on this the last few days, and if we’re honest with ourselves, the answer’s no. We’re not doing enough. And we will have to change. Since I’ve been president, this is the fourth time we have come together to comfort a grieving community torn apart by mass shootings, fourth time we’ve hugged survivors, the fourth time we’ve consoled the families of victims. <br> And in between, there have been an endless series of deadly shootings across the country, almost daily reports of victims, many of them children, in small towns and in big cities all across America, victims whose — much of the time their only fault was being at the wrong place at the wrong time. <br> '''We can’t tolerate this anymore. These tragedies must end. And to end them, we must change. We will be told that the causes of such violence are complex, and that is true. No single law — no set of laws can eliminate evil from the world, or prevent every senseless act of violence in our society. But that can’t be an excuse for inaction. Surely, we can do better than this.''' <br> If there is even one step we can take to save another child, or another parent, or another town, from the grief that has visited [[w:2011 Tucson shooting|Tucson]], and [[w:2012 Aurora shooting|Aurora]], and [[w:Wisconsin Sikh temple shooting|Oak Creek]], and [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Newtown]], and communities from [[w:Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] to [[w:Virginia Tech massacre|Blacksburg]] before that — then surely we have an obligation to try. * '''We know our time on this Earth is fleeting.''' We know that we will each have our share of pleasure and pain, that even after we chase after some earthly goal, whether it’s wealth or power or fame or just simple comfort, we will, in some fashion, fall short of what we had hoped. We know that, no matter how good our intentions, we’ll all stumble sometimes in some way. <br> We’ll make mistakes, we’ll experience hardships and even when we’re trying to do the right thing, we know that much of our time will be spent groping through the darkness, so often unable to discern God’s heavenly plans. <br> '''There’s only one thing we can be sure of, and that is the love that we have for our children, for our families, for each other. The warmth of a small child’s embrace, that is true.''' <br> The memories we have of them, the joy that they bring, the wonder we see through their eyes, that fierce and boundless love we feel for them, a love that takes us out of ourselves and binds us to something larger, we know that’s what matters. <br> We know we’re always doing right when we’re taking care of them, when we’re teaching them well, when we’re showing acts of kindness. We don’t go wrong when we do that. === 2013 === [[File:AdoptionOf13thAmendment.jpg|thumb|A government [...] recognizes true democracy as requiring a respect for minority rights and the rule of law, freedom of speech and assembly, and a strong civil society.]] * These are our kids. This is what they’re thinking about. And so what we should be thinking about is our responsibility to care for them, and shield them from harm, and give them the tools they need to grow up and do everything that they’re capable of doing -- not just to pursue their own dreams, but to help build this country. This is our first task as a society, keeping our children safe. This is how we will be judged. And their voices should compel us to change. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/01/16/remarks-president-and-vice-president-gun-violence |title=Remarks by the President and the Vice President on Gun Violence |accessdate=2013-01-16 |date=January 16, 2013}} * This is the land of the free, and it always will be. As Americans, we are endowed by our Creator with certain inalienable rights that no man or government can take away from us. But we've also long recognized, as our Founders recognized, that with rights come responsibilities. Along with our freedom to live our lives as we will comes an obligation to allow others to do the same. We don’t live in isolation. We live in a society, a government of, and by, and for the people. We are responsible for each other. ** {{cite web|url=http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/01/16/remarks-president-and-vice-president-gun-violence |title=Remarks by the President and the Vice President on Gun Violence |accessdate=2013-01-16 |date=January 16, 2013}} * There will be a sovereign Palestinian state, a sovereign Jewish state of Israel and those two states can, I think, will be able to deal with each other the same way all states do. I mean, you know, the United States and Canada has arguments once in a while, but they’re not the nature of arguments that can’t be solved diplomatically. ** Press conference in Ramallah (21 March 2013), as quoted in [http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2013/03/21/transcript-of-obamas-press-conference-with-mahmoud-abbas/ "Obama Compares Israeli-Palestinian Conflict to Arguments Between U.S. and Canada" in ''Wall Street Journal'' (21 March 2013)], * '''Peace is far more preferable to war.'''… I believe that peace is the only path to true security. … And there is no question that the only path to peace is through [[negotiations]]. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/03/21/remarks-president-barack-obama-people-israel Remarks of President Barack Obama To the People of Israel at Jerusalem International Convention Center in Jerusalem, Israel (21 March 2013)] *'''I am not a dictator, I am the president. I know this has been some of the conventional wisdom floating around Washington, that somehow even though most people agree that I’m being reasonable, that most people agree I’m presenting a fair deal, the fact that they don’t take it means that I should somehow, you know, do a Jedi mind meld with these folks and convince them to do what’s right.''' **Press conference March 1st [http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2013/03/01/173240651/decrying-dumb-arbitrary-cuts-obama-says-we-will-get-through-this] * Four years ago, I stood in Cairo in front of an audience of young people -- politically, religiously, they must seem a world away. But the things they want, they’re not so different from what the young people here want. They want the ability to make their own decisions and to get an education, get a good job; to worship God in their own way; to get married; to raise a family. The same is true of those young Palestinians that I met with this morning. The same is true for young Palestinians who yearn for a better life in Gaza. That's where '''peace begins -- not just in the plans of leaders, but in the hearts of people. Not just in some carefully designed process, but in the daily connections''' -- that sense of empathy that takes place among those who live together in this land and in this sacred city of Jerusalem. ** Remarks of President Barack Obama To the People of Israel at Jerusalem International Convention Center in Jerusalem, Israel (21 March 2013) * The American people will say a prayer for Boston tonight. And Michelle and I send our deepest thoughts and prayers to the families of the victims in the wake of this senseless loss...We still do not know who did this or why. And people shouldn’t jump to conclusions before we have all the facts. But make no mistake - we will get to the bottom of this. And we will find out who did this; we'll find out ''why'' they did this. Any responsible individuals, any responsible groups will feel the full weight of justice. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/04/15/president-obama-speaks-explosions-boston President Obama Speaks on the Explosions in Boston (15 April 2013)] * A few months ago, in response to too many tragedies -- including the shootings of a United States Congresswoman, [[Gabrielle Giffords|Gabby Giffords]], who's here today, and the murder of 20 innocent schoolchildren and their teachers -- this country took up the cause of protecting more of our people from gun violence. Families that know unspeakable grief summoned the courage to petition their elected leaders -- not just to honor the memory of their children, but to protect the lives of all our children. And a few minutes ago, a minority in the United States Senate decided it wasn't worth it. They blocked common-sense gun reforms even while these families looked on from the Senate gallery. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2013/04/17/senate-votes-block-expanded-background-checks-gun-sales Senate Votes to Block Expanded Background Checks for Gun Sales (17 April 2013)] * I've heard some say that blocking this step would be a victory. And my question is, a victory for who? A victory for what? All that happened today was the preservation of the loophole that lets dangerous criminals buy guns without a background check. That didn't make our kids safer. Victory for not doing something that 90 percent of Americans, 80 percent of Republicans, the vast majority of your constituents wanted to get done? '''It begs the question, who are we here to represent?''' I've heard folks say that having the families of victims lobby for this legislation was somehow misplaced. "A prop," somebody called them. "Emotional blackmail," some outlet said. Are they serious? Do we really think that thousands of families whose lives have been shattered by gun violence don't have a right to weigh in on this issue? Do we think their emotions, their loss is not relevant to this debate? '''So all in all, this was a pretty shameful day for Washington.''' But this effort is not over. I want to make it clear to the American people we can still bring about meaningful changes that reduce gun violence, so long as the American people don't give up on it. ** Senate Votes to Block Expanded Background Checks for Gun Sales (17 April 2013) * Ultimately, '''peace is just not about politics. It’s about attitudes; about a sense of empathy; about breaking down the divisions that we create for ourselves in our own minds and our own hearts that don’t exist in any objective reality, but that we carry with us generation after generation.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/06/17/remarks-president-obama-and-mrs-obama-town-hall-youth-northern-ireland Remarks by President Obama and Mrs. Obama in Town Hall with Youth of Northern Ireland, Belfast Waterfront, Belfast, Northern Ireland (17 June 2013)] * '''The terms of peace may be negotiated by political leaders, but the fate of peace is up to each of us.''' ** Remarks by President Obama and Mrs. Obama in Town Hall with Youth of Northern Ireland, Belfast Waterfront, Belfast, Northern Ireland (17 June 2013) * Our scientists will keep collaborating with yours in fields like nanotechnology and clean energy and health care that make our lives better and fuel economic growth on both sides of the Atlantic –- because '''progress is essential to peace.''' And because '''knowledge and understanding is essential to peace''', we will keep investing in programs that enrich both of us …. ** Remarks by President Obama and Mrs. Obama in Town Hall with Youth of Northern Ireland, Belfast Waterfront, Belfast, Northern Ireland (17 June 2013) * '''Trayvon Martin could have been me thirty five years ago.''' And when you think about why, in the African-American community at least, there is lot of pain about what happened. I think it is important to recognize that the African-American community is looking at the issue through a set of experiences and a history, that doesn’t go away. There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of being followed when they are shopping at a department store. That includes me. There are very few African-American men in this country who haven’t had the experience of walking across the street and hearing the locks click on the doors of cars. That happens to me at least before I was a senator. There are very few African-Americans who haven’t had the experience of getting on an elevator and a woman clutching her purse nervously and holding her breath until she had a chance to get off. ** Remarks regarding the shooting of Trayvon Martin and Trial of George Zimmerman (2013). [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=103873&st=&st1= Source: Barack Obama: "Remarks on the Verdict in State of Florida v. George Zimmerman," July 19, 2013. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project.] For the background of this quote see this source. {{citation |url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-23382880 |title= 'Trayvon Martin could have been me' - Barack Obama |first= |last= |publisher=BBC |date=19 July 2013 |accessdate=2013-07-20}} * And because no one who works full-time in America should have to live in poverty, I am going to keep making the case that we need to raise the minimum wage because it's lower right now than it was when [[Ronald Reagan]] took office. It's time for the minimum wage to go up. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/07/24/remarks-president-economy-knox-college-galesburg-il Remarks by the President on the Economy, Knox College, Galesburg, Illinois (24 July 2013)] * [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] is slouching…looking like that bored schoolboy in the back of the classroom. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/in-the-loop/wp/2013/08/09/obama-putins-a-sloucher/ "Obama: Putin is slouchin’" in ''The Washington Post'' (9 August 2013)] * '''As free peoples, we recognize that democracy is the most effective form of government ever devised for delivering progress and opportunity and prosperity and freedom to people.''' And as two of the most innovative economies on Earth, we cherish that freedom that allows us to innovate and create, which is why we’re leaders in science and research and development -- those things that pioneers new industries and broaden our horizons. ** [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=104040&st=&st1= "Barack Obama: The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Reinfeldt of Sweden in Stockholm" by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, at ''The American Presidency Project'' (4 September 2013)] * We share a belief in the dignity and equality of every human being; that our daughters deserve the same opportunities as our sons; that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters must be treated equally under the law; that our societies are strengthened and not weakened by diversity. And we stand up for '''universal human rights''', not only in America and in Europe, but beyond, because we believe that '''when these rights are respected, nations are more successful and our world is safer and more just.''' ** "Barack Obama: The President's News Conference With Prime Minister Reinfeldt of Sweden in Stockholm" by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, at ''The American Presidency Project'' (4 September 2013) * But the current convulsions arising out of the Arab Spring remind us that '''a just and lasting peace cannot be measured only by agreements between nations. It must also be measured by our ability to resolve conflict and promote justice within nations.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * And we did so based on the belief that while these transitions will be hard and take time, '''societies based upon democracy and openness and the dignity of the individual will ultimately be more stable, more prosperous, and more peaceful.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * Our overriding interest throughout these past few years has been to encourage '''a government''' that legitimately reflects the will of the Egyptian people, and '''recognizes true democracy as requiring a respect for minority rights and the rule of law, freedom of speech and assembly, and a strong civil society.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * And while we recognize that our influence will at times be limited, although we will be wary of efforts to impose democracy through military force, and although we will at times be accused of hypocrisy and inconsistency, we will be engaged in the region for the long haul. For '''the hard work of forging freedom and democracy is the task of a generation.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly (24 September 2013)] * Democrats and Republicans are far apart on a lot of issues. And I recognize there are folks on the other side who think that my policies are misguided. That's putting it mildly. That's OK. That's democracy. That's how it works. We can debate those differences vigorously, passionately, in good faith, through the normal democratic process. And sometimes we'll be just too far apart to forge an agreement. But that should not hold back our efforts in areas where we do agree. We shouldn't fail to act on areas that we do agree or could agree just because we don't think it's good politics, just because the extremes in our party don't like the word "compromise." I will look for willing partners wherever I can to get important work done. And there's no good reason why we can't govern responsibly, despite our differences, without lurching from manufactured crisis to manufactured crisis. ** {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/transcript-president-obamas-oct-17-remarks-on-shutdown-deal/2013/10/17/3eff02b6-3738-11e3-8a0e-4e2cf80831fc_story_3.html|title= Transcript: President Obama’s Oct. 17 remarks on the budget deal|accessdate=2013-10-17|date=April 17, 2013}} * So let's work together to make government work better instead of treating it like an enemy or purposely making it work worse. That's not what the founders of this nation envisioned when they gave us the gift of self-government. '''You don't like a particular policy or a particular president? Then argue for your position. Go out there and win an election. Push to change it. But don't break it. Don't break what our predecessors spent over two centuries building.''' That's not being faithful to what this country's about. ** {{cite news|url=http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/transcript-president-obamas-oct-17-remarks-on-shutdown-deal/2013/10/17/3eff02b6-3738-11e3-8a0e-4e2cf80831fc_story_3.html|title= Transcript: President Obama’s Oct. 17 remarks on the budget deal|accessdate=2013-10-17|date=April 17, 2013}} * I’m not a particularly ideological person. There’s things, some values I feel passionately about. ** At Seattle fundraiser, 24 November 2013.[http://www.politico.com/story/2013/11/obama-ideology-100328.html] *My confidence in our shared future is grounded in my respect for India’s treasured past—a civilization that has been shaping the world for thousands of years. Indians unlocked the intricacies of the human body and the vastness of our [[universe]]. And it is no exaggeration to say that our information age is rooted in Indian innovations—including the [[Parity of zero|number zero]].... Instead of succumbing to division, you have shown that the strength of India—the very idea of India—is its embrace of all colours, castes and creeds … It’s the richness of faiths celebrated by a visitor to my hometown of [[Chicago]] more than a century ago—the renowned [[Swami Vivekananda]]...India not only opened our minds, she expanded our moral [[Imagination|imaginations]]. With religious texts that still summon the faithful to lives of dignity and discipline. With a poet who imagined a future [[Tagore|’Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high’]]—and with a man whose message of love and justice endures—the father of your nation, [[Mahatma Gandhi]]. **Barack Obama. Quoted from Gewali, Salil (2013). Great Minds on India. New Delhi: Penguin Random House. [https://americanrhetoric.com/speeches/PDFFiles/Barack%20Obama%20-%20Indian%20Parliament.pdf] ==== Second Inaugural Address (January 2013) ==== [[File:2013 Inauguration crowd 2.JPG|thumb|Preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action.]] [[File:Hires 130121-M-YO938-215c.jpg|thumb|Our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.]] [[File:Hires 130121-D-DB155-002c.jpg|thumb|Enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.]] [[File:USA 1956 3c FriendshipTheKeyToWorldPeace.jpg|thumb|Peace in our time requires the constant advance of those principles that our common creed describes: tolerance and opportunity, human dignity and justice.]] [[File:RainbowFlagCastroSF2005.jpg|thumb|If we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.]] [[File:Barack Obama family portrait 2011.jpg|thumb|Our journey is not complete until all our children know that they are cared for and cherished and always safe from harm.]] [[File:La_statue_de_la_liberté_jardin_du_luxembourg.jpg|thumb|With common effort and common purpose, with passion and dedication, let us answer the call of history and carry into an uncertain future that precious light of freedom.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/01/21/inaugural-address-president-barack-obama Second Inaugural Address, Washington D.C. (21 January 2013)]</small> * '''Each time we gather to inaugurate a President we bear witness to the enduring strength of [[United States Constitution|our Constitution]]. We affirm the promise of our [[democracy]].''' We recall that what binds this nation together is not the colors of our skin or the tenets of our faith or the origins of our names. What makes us exceptional — what makes us American — is our allegiance to an idea articulated in [[United States Declaration of Independence|a declaration]] made more than two centuries ago: '''“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.”''' Today we continue a never-ending journey to bridge the meaning of those words with the realities of our time. For '''history tells us that while these truths may be self-evident, they’ve never been self-executing'''; that '''while [[freedom]] is a gift from [[God]], it must be secured by His people here on Earth.''' * '''[[w:American Revolution|The patriots of 1776]] did not fight to replace the tyranny of a king with the privileges of a few or the rule of a mob. They gave to us a republic, [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_Gettysburg_Address_.281863.29|a government of, and by, and for the people]], entrusting each generation to keep safe our founding creed. And for more than two hundred years, we have.''' Through [[w:Slavery in the United States|blood drawn by lash]] and [[w:American Civil War|blood drawn by sword]], we learned that no [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_Gettysburg_Address_.281863.29|union founded on the principles]] of [[liberty]] and [[equality]] could survive [[Abraham_Lincoln#The_House_Divided_speech_.281858.29|half-slave and half-free]]. We made ourselves anew, and vowed to move forward together. * '''Together, we discovered that a free market only thrives when there are rules to ensure competition and fair play. Together, we resolved that a great nation must care for the vulnerable, and protect its people from life’s worst hazards and misfortune. Through it all, we have never relinquished our [[w:Anti Federalism|skepticism of central authority]], nor have we succumbed to the fiction that all society’s ills can be cured through government alone.''' * Our celebration of initiative and enterprise, our insistence on hard work and personal responsibility, these are constants in our character. But we have always understood that '''when times change, so must we'''; that '''fidelity to our founding principles requires new responses to new challenges'''; that '''preserving our individual freedoms ultimately requires collective action'''. For the American people can no more meet the demands of today’s world by acting alone than American soldiers could have met the forces of [[fascism]] or [[communism]] with [[w:Musket|muskets]] and [[w:Militia|militias]]. No single person can train all the math and science teachers we’ll need to equip our children for the future, or build the roads and networks and research labs that will bring new jobs and businesses to our shores. '''Now, more than ever, we must do''' these '''things together, as one nation and one people.''' * This generation of Americans has been tested by crises that steeled our resolve and proved our resilience. [...] America’s possibilities are limitless, for '''we possess all the qualities that this world without boundaries demands: youth and drive; diversity and openness; an endless capacity for risk and a gift for reinvention.''' My fellow Americans, '''we are made for this moment, and we will seize it -- so long as we seize it together. For [[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution|we, the people]], understand that our country cannot succeed when a shrinking few do very well and a growing many barely make it.''' We believe that America’s prosperity must rest upon the broad shoulders of a rising middle class. We know that America thrives when every person can find independence and pride in their work; when the wages of honest labor liberate families from the brink of hardship. '''We are true to our creed when a little girl born into the bleakest poverty knows that she has the same chance to succeed as anybody else, because she is an American; she is free, and she is equal, not just in the eyes of God but also in our own.''' * '''[[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution|We, the people]], still believe that every citizen deserves a basic measure of security and dignity.''' We must make the hard choices to reduce the cost of health care and the size of our deficit. But we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future. For we remember the lessons of our past, when twilight years were spent in poverty and parents of a child with a disability had nowhere to turn.  * '''We do not believe that in this country freedom is reserved for the lucky, or happiness for the few.''' We recognize that no matter how responsibly we live our lives, any one of us at any time may face a job loss, or a sudden illness, or a home swept away in [[w:Hurricane Sandy|a terrible storm]]. '''The commitments we make to each other''' through [[w:Medicare|Medicare]] and [[w:Medicaid|Medicaid]] and [[w:Social Security (United States)|Social Security]], '''these things do not sap our initiative, they strengthen us. They do not make us a nation of takers; they free us to take the risks that make this country great.''' * '''We, the people, still believe that our obligations as Americans are not just to ourselves, but to all posterity.''' We will respond to the threat of climate change, knowing that the failure to do so would betray our children and future generations. Some may still deny the overwhelming judgment of science, but none can avoid the devastating impact of raging fires and crippling drought and more powerful storms. The path towards sustainable energy sources will be long and sometimes difficult. But America cannot resist this transition, we must lead it. We cannot cede to other nations the technology that will power new jobs and new industries, we must claim its promise. That’s how we will maintain our economic vitality and our national treasure -- our forests and waterways, our crop lands and snow-capped peaks. That is how we will preserve our planet, commanded to our care by God. '''That’s what will lend meaning to [[w:Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness#Origin_and_phrasing|the creed our fathers]] [[w:Preamble to the United States Constitution#Text|once declared]].''' * We, the people, still believe that '''enduring security and lasting peace do not require perpetual war.''' * '''We will defend our people and uphold our values through strength of arms and rule of law.''' We will show the courage to try and resolve our differences with other nations peacefully –- not because we are naïve about the dangers we face, but because '''engagement can more durably lift suspicion and fear. America will remain the anchor of strong alliances in every corner of the globe. And we will renew those institutions that extend our capacity to manage crisis abroad, for no one has a greater stake in a peaceful world than its most powerful nation.''' We will support democracy from Asia to Africa, from the Americas to the Middle East, because our interests and our conscience compel us to act on behalf of those who long for freedom. And we must be a source of hope to the poor, the sick, the marginalized, the victims of prejudice –- not out of mere charity, but because '''peace in our time requires the constant advance of those principles that our common creed describes: tolerance and opportunity, human dignity and justice.''' * We, the people, declare today that the most evident of truths –- that [[w:All men are created equal|all of us are created equal]] –- is the star that guides us still; just as it guided our forebears through [[w:Seneca Falls Convention|Seneca Falls]] and [[w:Selma to Montgomery marches|Selma]] and [[w:Stonewall riots|Stonewall]]; just as it guided all those men and women, sung and unsung, who left footprints along [[w:National Mall|this great Mall]], to hear [[Martin_Luther_King,_Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|a preacher say that we cannot walk alone; to hear a King proclaim that our individual freedom is inextricably bound to the freedom of every soul on Earth.]] * It is now our generation’s task to carry on what those pioneers began. For our journey is not complete [[w:Equal pay for women|until our wives, our mothers and daughters can earn a living equal to their efforts]]. Our journey is not complete [[w:LGBT rights in the United States|until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law]] for '''if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well.''' Our journey is not complete [[w:Voting rights in the United States|until no citizen is forced to wait for hours to exercise the right to vote]]. Our journey is not complete [[w:Immigration to the United States|until we find a better way to welcome the striving, hopeful immigrants]] who still see America as a land of opportunity until bright young students and engineers are enlisted in our workforce rather than expelled from our country. '''Our journey is not complete until all our children''', from the streets of [[w:Detroit|Detroit]] to [[w:Appalachia|the hills of Appalachia]], to [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|the quiet lanes of Newtown]], '''know that they are cared for and cherished and always safe from harm.''' * That is our generation’s task -- to make these words, these rights, these values of [[w:Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness|life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness]] real for every American. '''Being true to our founding documents does not require us to agree on every contour of life. It does not mean we all define liberty in exactly the same way or follow the same precise path to happiness. Progress does not compel us to settle centuries-long debates about the role of government for all time, but it does require us to act in our time. For now decisions are upon us and we cannot afford delay. We cannot mistake absolutism for principle, or substitute spectacle for politics, or treat name-calling as reasoned debate. We must act, knowing that our work will be imperfect. We must act, knowing that today’s victories will be only partial and that it will be up to those who stand here in four years and 40 years and 400 years hence to advance the timeless spirit once conferred to us in [[w:Independence Hall|a spare Philadelphia hall]].''' * '''My fellow Americans, [[w:Oath of office of the President of the United States|the oath I have sworn before you today]], [[w:Oath of office#Federal_Executive_and_Legislative_Branch_Oaths|like the one recited by others who serve]] [[w:United States Capitol|in this Capitol]], was an oath to God and country, not party or faction. And we must faithfully execute that pledge during the duration of our service.''' But the words I spoke today are not so different from the oath that is taken each time a soldier signs up for duty or an immigrant realizes her dream. My oath is not so different from the pledge we all make to [[commons:File:Barack Obama'a 2013 inaugural address at the U.S. Capitol.jpg|the flag that waves above]] and that fills our hearts with pride. They are the words of citizens and they represent our greatest hope. '''You and I, as citizens, have the power to set this country’s course. You and I, as citizens, have the obligation to shape the debates of our time -- not only with the votes we cast, but with the voices we lift in defense of our most ancient values and enduring ideals.''' * '''Let us, each of us, now embrace with solemn duty and awesome joy what is our lasting birthright. With common effort and common purpose, with passion and dedication, let us answer the call of history and carry into an uncertain future that precious light of freedom.'''  ==== Fifth State of the Union Address (February 2013) ==== [[File:Obama family in the Oval Office.jpg|thumb|What makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.]] [[File:2013 State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|America moves forward only when we do so together, and that the responsibility of improving this union remains the task of us all.]] [[File:Barack Michelle.jpg|thumb|Our ability to influence others depends on our willingness to lead and meet our obligations.]] :<small>[http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2013/02/12/full-text-obamas-state-of-the-union-address/ Fifth State of the Union Address delivered on February 12, 2013 during a joint session of the United States Congress]</small> * '''Our government shouldn’t make promises we cannot keep — but we must keep the promises we’ve already made.''' * It is our generation’s task, then, to reignite the true engine of America’s economic growth — a rising, thriving middle class. It is our unfinished task to restore the basic bargain that built this country — the idea that if you work hard and meet your responsibilities, you can get ahead, no matter where you come from, no matter what you look like, or who you love. It is our unfinished task to make sure that this government works on behalf of the many, and not just the few; that it encourages free enterprise, rewards individual initiative, and opens the doors of opportunity to every child across this great nation. * The American people don’t expect government to solve every problem. They don’t expect those of us in this chamber to agree on every issue. But they do expect us to put the nation’s interests before party. They do expect us to forge reasonable compromise where we can. For they know that '''America moves forward only when we do so together, and that the responsibility of improving this union remains the task of us all.''' * I realize that tax reform and entitlement reform will not be easy. The politics will be hard for both sides. None of us will get 100 percent of what we want. But the alternative will cost us jobs, hurt our economy, visit hardship on millions of hardworking Americans. So let’s set party interests aside and work to pass a budget that replaces reckless cuts with smart savings and wise investments in our future. And let’s do it without the brinksmanship that stresses consumers and scares off investors. '''The greatest nation on Earth cannot keep conducting its business by drifting from one manufactured crisis to the next.''' We can’t do it. Let’s agree right here, right now to keep the people’s government open, and pay our bills on time, and always uphold the full faith and credit of the United States of America. '''The American people have worked too hard, for too long, rebuilding from one crisis to see their elected officials cause another.''' * And we’ll work to strengthen families by removing the financial deterrents to marriage for low-income couples, and do more to encourage fatherhood — because '''what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.''' * Stronger families. Stronger communities. A stronger America. It is this kind of '''prosperity — broad, shared, built on a thriving middle class''' — that '''has always been the source of our progress at home. It’s also the foundation of our power and influence throughout the world.''' * At the same time, we’ll engage Russia to seek further reductions in our nuclear arsenals, and continue leading the global effort to secure nuclear materials that could fall into the wrong hands — because '''our ability to influence others depends on our willingness to lead and meet our obligations.''' * We may do different jobs and wear different uniforms, and hold different views than the person beside us. But as Americans, '''we all share the same proud title — we are citizens. It’s a word that doesn’t just describe our nationality or legal status. It describes the way we’re made. It describes what we believe. It captures the enduring idea that this country only works when we accept certain obligations to one another and to future generations, that our rights are wrapped up in the rights of others; and that well into our third century as a nation, it remains the task of us all, as citizens of these United States, to be the authors of the next great chapter of our American story.''' ==== Commencement Address at Ohio State University (May 2013) ==== [[File:September 11 Tribute in Light at Dusk.jpg|thumb| In the aftermath of darkest tragedy, we have seen the American spirit at its brightest.  We’ve seen the petty divisions of color, class, and creed replaced by a united urge to help.]] [[File:American Bald Eagle.jpg|thumb|You'll hear voices that incessantly warn of government as nothing more than some separate, sinister entity that's the root of all our problems, even as they do their best to gum up the works; or that tyranny always lurks just around the corner. You should reject these voices. Because what they suggest is that our brave, creative, unique experiment in self-rule is just a sham with which we can’t be trusted.]] [[File:USA123.jpg|thumb|We have never been a people who place all our faith in government to solve our problems, nor do we want it to.  But we don’t think the government is the source of all our problems, either.]] [[File:Statue of Liberty close.JPG|thumb|We are blessed to live in the greatest nation on Earth. But we can always be greater. We can always aspire to something more. ]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/05/05/remarks-president-barack-obama-prepared-delivery "Commencement Address at The Ohio State University, Columbus, Ohio (5 May 2013)]</small> * '''You were born as freedom forced its way through a wall in Berlin, and tore down an Iron Curtain across Europe. You were educated in an era of instant information that put the world’s accumulated knowledge at your fingertips. And you came of age as terror touched our shores; an historic recession spread across the nation; and a new generation signed up to go to war. <br /> You have been tested and tempered by events that your parents and I never imagined we’d see when we sat where you sit.''' And yet, despite all this, or more likely because of it, yours has become a generation possessed with that most American of ideas – that people who love their country can change it. '''For all the turmoil; for all the times you have been let down, or frustrated at the hand you’ve been dealt; what I have seen from your generation are perennial and quintessentially American values. Altruism. Empathy. Tolerance. Community. And a deep sense of service that makes me optimistic for our future.''' * I suspect that those of you who pursue more education, or climb the corporate ladder, or enter the arts or sciences or journalism, will still choose a cause you care about in your life and fight like heck to make it happen. <br /> There is a word for this. It’s citizenship. We don’t always talk about this idea much these days, let alone celebrate it. Sometimes, we see it as a virtue from another time – one that’s slipping from a society that celebrates individual ambition; a society awash in instant technology that empowers us to leverage our skills and talents like never before, but just as easily allows us to retreat from the world. And the result is that we sometimes forget the larger bonds we share, as one American family. * '''In the aftermath of darkest tragedy, we have seen the American spirit at its brightest. We’ve seen the petty divisions of color, class, and creed replaced by a united urge to help. We’ve seen courage and compassion, a sense of civic duty, and a recognition that we are not a collection of strangers; we are bound to one another by a set of ideals, and laws, and commitments, and a deep devotion to this country we love. <br /> That’s what citizenship is. It’s the idea at the heart of our founding – that as Americans, we are blessed with God-given and inalienable rights, but with those rights come responsibilities – to ourselves, to one another, and to future generations.''' <br /> But if we’re being honest, as you’ve studied and worked and served to become good citizens, the institutions that give structure to our society have, at times, betrayed your trust. In the run-up to the financial crisis, too many on Wall Street forgot that their obligations don’t end with their shareholders. In entertainment and in the media, ratings and shock value often trumped news and storytelling. And in Washington – well, this is a joyous occasion, so let me put this charitably: I think it’s fair to say our democracy isn’t working as well as we know it can. It could do better. And those of us fortunate enough to serve in these institutions owe it to you to do better, every single day. * '''I don’t pretend to have all the answers. And I’m not going to offer some grand theory – not when it’s a beautiful day and you’ve got some celebrating to do.''' I’m not going to get partisan, either, because that’s not what citizenship is about. In fact, '''I am asking the same thing of you that President Bush did when he spoke at this commencement in 2002: “America needs more than taxpayers, spectators, and occasional voters,” he said. “America needs full-time citizens.” <br /> And as graduates from a university whose motto is “Education for Citizenship,” that’s what your country expects of you. So briefly, I will ask you for two things: to participate, and to persevere.''' <br /> After all, your '''democracy does not function without your active participation. At a bare minimum, that means voting, eagerly and often. It means knowing who’s been elected to make decisions on your behalf, what they believe in, and whether or not they deliver. If they don’t represent you the way you want, or conduct themselves the way you expect – if they put special interests above your own – you’ve got to let them know that’s not okay. And if they let you down, there’s a''' built-in '''day''' in November '''where you can really let them know that’s not okay.''' * '''That’s precisely what the founders left us: the power to adapt to changing times. They left us the keys to a system of self-government – the tool to do big and important things together that we could not possibly do alone.''' To stretch railroads and electricity and a highway system across a sprawling continent. To educate our people with a system of public schools and land grant colleges, including Ohio State. To care for the sick and the vulnerable, and provide a basic level of protection from falling into abject poverty in the wealthiest nation on Earth. To conquer fascism and disease; to visit the Moon and Mars; to gradually secure our God-given rights for all our citizens, regardless of who they are, what they look like, or who they love. <br /> We, the people, chose to do these things together. Because '''we know this country cannot accomplish great things if we pursue nothing greater than our own individual ambition.''' <br /> Still, '''you’ll hear voices that incessantly warn of government as nothing more than some separate, sinister entity that’s the root of all our problems, even as they do their best to gum up the works; or that tyranny always lurks just around the corner.  You should reject these voices. Because what they suggest is that our brave, creative, unique experiment in self-rule is just a sham with which we can’t be trusted. <br /> We have never been a people who place all our faith in government to solve our problems, nor do we want it to. But we don’t think the government is the source of all our problems, either.''' Because we understand that this democracy is ours.  '''As citizens, we understand that America is not about what can be done for us. It’s about what can be done by us, together, through the hard and frustrating but absolutely necessary work of self-government. <br /> The founders trusted us with this awesome authority. We should trust ourselves with it, too. Because when we don’t, when we turn away and get discouraged and abdicate that authority, we grant our silent consent to someone who’ll gladly claim it.''' * '''Only you can make sure the democracy you inherit is as good as we know it can be. But it requires your dedicated, informed, and engaged citizenship. This citizenship is a harder, higher road to take. But it leads to a better place.''' It is how we built this country – together. It is the question President Kennedy posed to the nation at his inauguration; the dream that Dr. King invoked. It does not promise easy success or immediate progress. But it has led to success, and it has led to progress. <br /> That brings me to the second thing I ask of you – I ask you to persevere. * I lost my first race for Congress, and look at me now – I’m an honorary graduate of The Ohio State University! <br /> The point is,''' in your life, you will fail. You will stumble, and you will fall. But that will make you better. You’ll get it right the next time. And that’s not only true for your personal pursuits, but for the broader causes you believe in as well. But don’t give up. Don’t lose heart, or grow cynical. The cynics may be the loudest voices – but they accomplish the least. It’s the silent disruptors – those who do the long, hard, committed work of change – that gradually push this country in the right direction, and make the most lasting difference.''' <br /> Still, whenever you feel that creeping cynicism; whenever you hear those voices say you can’t make that difference; whenever somebody tells you to set your sights lower – the trajectory of America should give you hope. '''What young generations have done before you should give you hope. It was young folks like you who marched and mobilized and stood up and sat-in to secure women’s rights, and voting rights, and workers’ rights, and gay rights, often against incredible odds, often over the course of years, sometimes over the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. Even if their rights were already secured, they fought to secure those rights and opportunities for others. What they did should give you hope.''' <br /> And where we’re going should give you hope. Because while things are still hard for a lot of people, you have every reason to believe that your future is bright. * '''We are blessed to live in the greatest nation on Earth. But we can always be greater. We can always aspire to something more. That doesn’t depend on who you elect to office. It depends on you, as citizens, how big you want to be, and how badly you want it. <br /> Look at all America has accomplished. Look at how big we’ve been. <br /> I dare you to do better. I dare you to be better. <br /> From what I have seen of your generation, I have no doubt you will. I wish you courage, and compassion, and all the strength you need for that tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime.''' <br /> Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. ==== Brandenburg Gate Speech (June 2013) ==== :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/06/19/remarks-president-obama-brandenburg-gate-berlin-germany Remarks by President Obama in front of the Brandenburg Gate at Pariser Platz, Berlin, Germany] 19 June 2013</small> [[File:Barack Obama at White House gun violence meeting.jpg|thumb|We are more free when all people can pursue their own happiness.]] [[File:2013 State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|For all the power of militaries, for all the authority of governments, it is citizens who choose whether to be defined by a wall, or whether to tear it down.]] [[File:Barack Obama and Joe Biden meet Democratic Governors Association.jpg|thumb|Government exists to serve the power of the individual, and not the other way around.]] * But the fact that we can stand here today, along [[w:History of Berlin#The_divided_city|the fault line where a city was divided]], speaks to an eternal truth: '''[[w:Berlin Wall|No wall]] can stand against the yearning of justice, the yearnings for freedom, the yearnings for peace that burns in the human heart.''' * Today, 60 years after they rose up against oppression, we remember [[w:Uprising of 1953 in East Germany|the East German heroes of June 17th]]. When the wall finally came down, it was their dreams that were fulfilled. Their strength and their passion, their enduring example remind us that '''for all the power of militaries, for all the authority of governments, it is citizens who choose whether to be defined by a wall, or whether to tear it down.''' * But I come here today, Berlin, to say '''complacency is not the character of great nations.''' * I’d suggest that '''peace with justice begins with the example we set here at home''', for we know from our own histories that '''intolerance breeds injustice. Whether it’s based on race, or religion, gender or sexual orientation, we are stronger when all our people — no matter who they are or what they look like — are granted opportunity, and when our wives and our daughters have the same opportunities as our husbands and our sons.''' * '''When we respect the faiths practiced in our churches and synagogues, our mosques and our temples, we're more secure. When we welcome the immigrant with his talents or her dreams, we are renewed. When we stand up for our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters and treat their love and their rights equally under the law, we defend our own liberty as well. We are more free when all people can pursue their own happiness. And as long as walls exist in our hearts to separate us from those who don’t look like us, or think like us, or worship as we do, then we're going to have to work harder, together, to bring those walls of division down.''' * Peace with justice means free enterprise that unleashes the talents and creativity that reside in each of us; in other models, direct economic growth from the top down or relies solely on the resources extracted from the earth. But we believe that '''real prosperity comes from our most precious resource -- our people.''' * '''Peace with justice means extending a hand to those who reach for freedom, wherever they live.''' Different peoples and cultures will follow their own path, but we must reject the lie that those who live in distant places don’t yearn for freedom and self-determination just like we do; that they don’t somehow yearn for dignity and rule of law just like we do. We cannot dictate the pace of change in places like the Arab world, but we must reject the excuse that we can do nothing to support it. * Our fates are linked, and we cannot ignore those who are yearning not only for freedom but also prosperity. * And finally, let’s remember that '''peace with justice depends on our ability to sustain both the security of our societies and the openness that defines them. Threats to freedom don’t merely come from the outside. They can emerge from within -- from our own fears, from the disengagement of our citizens.''' * But '''we must accept the challenge that all of us in democratic governments face: to listen to the voices who disagree with us; to have an open debate about how we use our powers and how we must constrain them; and to always remember that government exists to serve the power of the individual, and not the other way around.''' That’s what makes us who we are, and that’s what makes us different from those on the other side of the wall. * '''The wall belongs to history. But we have history to make as well. And the heroes that came before us now call to us to live up to those highest ideals''' -- to care for the young people who can't find a job in our own countries, and the girls who aren't allowed to go to school overseas; to be vigilant in safeguarding our own freedoms, but also to extend a hand to those who are reaching for freedom abroad. '''This is the lesson of the ages. This is the spirit of Berlin. And the greatest tribute that we can pay to those who came before us is by carrying on their work to pursue peace and justice not only in our countries but for all mankind.''' ==== Cape Town University Address (June 2013) ==== [[File:Barack Obama sitting on the Resolute Desk.jpg|thumb|Democracy can only endure when it’s bigger than just one person.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/06/30/remarks-president-obama-university-cape-town Remarks by President Obama at the University of Cape Town], Cape Town, South Africa (13 June 2013)</small> * I believe that '''none of us are fully free when others in the human family remain shackled by poverty or disease or oppression.''' * We believe that '''societies and economies only advance as far as individuals are free to carry them forward. And just as freedom cannot exist when people are imprisoned for their political views, true opportunity cannot exist when people are imprisoned by sickness, or hunger, or darkness.''' * But history tells us that '''true progress is only possible where governments exist to serve their people, and not the other way around.''' * Now, I mentioned yesterday at the town hall -- like America’s first President, [[George Washington]], he understood that d'''emocracy can only endure when it’s bigger than just one person.''' So his willingness to leave power was as profound as his ability to claim power. * And that’s why we support societies that empower women -- because '''no country will reach its potential unless it draws on the talents of our wives and our mothers, and our sisters and our daughters.''' * '''We always have the opportunity to choose our better history. We can always understand that most important decision -- the decision we make when we find our common humanity in one another. That’s always available to us, that choice.''' [...] it can be heard in the confident voices of young people like you. '''It is that spirit, that innate longing for justice and equality, for freedom and solidarity -- that’s the spirit that can light the way forward. It's in you.''' ==== "Let Freedom Ring" Ceremony (August 2013) ==== [[File:Martin Luther King - March on Washington.jpg|thumb|We rightly and best remember [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King’s soaring oratory that day]], how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions; how he offered a salvation path for oppressed and oppressors alike. His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time.]] [[File:Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C. (Aerial view of Washington Monument showing marchers.) - NARA - 541997.tif|thumb|No man can take away the dignity and grace that God grants us.]] [[File:March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom, Martin Luther King, Jr. and Joachim Prinz 1963.jpg|thumb|Freedom is not given, it must be won, through struggle and discipline, persistence and faith.]] [[File:Thanksgiving chapel interior.jpg|thumb|The arc of the [[moral]] [[universe]] may bend towards [[justice]], but it doesn’t bend on its own. To secure the gains this country has made requires constant vigilance, not complacency. [...] This country has changed too much. People of goodwill, regardless of party, are too plentiful for those with ill will to change history’s currents.]] [[File:Civil Rights March on Washington, D.C. (Leaders of the march leading marchers down the street.) - NARA - 542003.tif|thumb|That’s where courage comes from -- when we turn not from each other, or on each other, but towards one another, and we find that we do not walk alone. That’s where courage comes from.]] [[File:IhaveadreamMarines.jpg|thumb|There’s a reason why so many who marched that day, and in the days to come, were young -- for the young are unconstrained by habits of fear, unconstrained by the conventions of what is.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/08/28/remarks-president-let-freedom-ring-ceremony-commemorating-50th-anniversa Remarks by the President at the "Let Freedom Ring" Ceremony Commemorating the 50th Anniversary of the March on Washington], Lincoln Memorial, Washington, D.C. (August 28, 2013)</small> * [[w:March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom|Five decades ago today]], Americans came to this honored place to lay claim to [[United States Declaration of Independence|a promise made at our founding]]: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are [[Life]], [[Liberty]] and [[w:Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness|the pursuit of Happiness.]]” In 1963, almost 200 years after those words were set to paper, a full century after [[American Civil War|a great war]] was fought and [[w:Emancipation Proclamation|emancipation proclaimed]], that promise -- those truths -- remained unmet. And so they came by the thousands from every corner of our country, men and women, young and old, blacks who longed for freedom and whites who could no longer accept freedom for themselves while witnessing the subjugation of others. And so they came by the thousands from every corner of our country, men and women, young and old, blacks who longed for freedom and whites who could no longer accept freedom for themselves while witnessing the subjugation of others. * And then, on a hot summer day, they assembled here, in our nation’s capital, under [[w:Lincoln Memorial|the shadow]] of [[Abraham Lincoln|the Great Emancipator]] -- to offer testimony of injustice, to petition their government for redress, and to awaken America’s long-slumbering conscience. '''We rightly and best remember [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King’s soaring oratory that day]], how he gave mighty voice to the quiet hopes of millions; how he offered a salvation path for oppressed and oppressors alike. His words belong to the ages, possessing a power and prophecy unmatched in our time.''' *<p>But we would do well to recall that day itself also belonged to those ordinary people whose names never appeared in the history books, never got on TV. Many had gone to segregated schools and sat at segregated lunch counters. They lived in towns where they couldn’t vote and cities where their votes didn’t matter. They were couples in love who couldn’t marry, soldiers who fought for freedom abroad that they found denied to them at home. They had seen loved ones beaten, and children fire-hosed, and they had every reason to lash out in anger, or resign themselves to a bitter fate.</p><p>'''And yet they chose a different path. In the face of hatred, they prayed for their tormentors. In the face of violence, they stood up and sat in, with the moral force of nonviolence. Willingly, they went to jail to protest unjust laws, their cells swelling with the sound of freedom songs. A lifetime of indignities had taught them that no man can take away the dignity and grace that [[God]] grants us. They had learned through hard experience what [[Frederick Douglass]] once taught -- that freedom is not given, it must be won, through struggle and discipline, persistence and faith.'''</p> * And because they kept marching, America changed. Because they marched, [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|a Civil Rights law was passed]]. Because they marched, [[w:Voting Rights Act of 1965|a Voting Rights law was signed]]. Because they marched, doors of opportunity and education swung open so their daughters and sons could finally imagine a life for themselves beyond washing somebody else’s laundry or shining somebody else’s shoes. Because they marched, city councils changed and state legislatures changed, and Congress changed, and, yes, eventually, the White House changed. Because they marched, America became more free and more fair -- not just for African Americans, but for women and Latinos, Asians and Native Americans; for Catholics, Jews, and Muslims; for gays, for Americans with a disability. America changed for you and for me. and the entire world drew strength from that example, whether the young people who watched from the other side of an [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]] and would eventually [[w:Irontear down Curtain#Fall_of_the_Iron_Curtain|tear down that wall]], or the young people inside South Africa who would eventually end [[w:Apartheid in South Africa|the scourge of apartheid]]. * Those are the victories they won, with iron wills and hope in their hearts. That is the transformation that they wrought, with each step of their well-worn shoes. That’s the debt that I and millions of Americans owe those maids, those laborers, those porters, those secretaries; folks who could have run a company maybe if they had ever had a chance; those white students who put themselves in harm’s way, even though they didn't have; those [[w:Japanese American internment|Japanese Americans who recalled their own internment]]; those Jewish Americans who had survived the [[Holocaust]]; people who could have given up and given in, but kept on keeping on, knowing that “[[Psalms#Psalm_30|weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.]]” * '''On the battlefield of justice, men and women without rank or wealth or title or fame would liberate us all in ways that our children now take for granted, as people of all colors and creeds live together and learn together and walk together, and fight alongside one another, and love one another, and judge one another by the content of our character in this greatest nation on Earth.''' * To dismiss the magnitude of this progress -- to suggest, as some sometimes do, that little has changed -- that dishonors the courage and the sacrifice of those who paid the price to march in those years. [[w:Medgar Evers|Medgar Evers]], [[w:James Chaney|James Chaney]], [[w:Andrew Goodman|Andrew Goodman]], [[w:Michael Schwerner|Michael Schwerner]], Martin Luther King Jr. -- they did not die in vain. Their victory was great. But we would dishonor those heroes as well to suggest that the work of this nation is somehow complete. '''The arc of the moral universe may bend towards justice, but it doesn’t bend on its own. To secure the gains this country has made requires constant vigilance, not complacency. Whether by challenging those who erect new barriers to the vote, or ensuring that the scales of justice work equally for all, and the criminal justice system is not simply a pipeline from underfunded schools to overcrowded jails, it requires vigilance. And we'll suffer the occasional setback. But we will win these fights.''' This country has changed too much. '''People of goodwill, regardless of party, are too plentiful for those with ill will to change history’s currents.''' * In some ways, though, the securing of civil rights, voting rights, the eradication of legalized discrimination -- the very significance of these victories may have obscured a second goal of the March. For '''the men and women who gathered 50 years ago were''' not there in search of some abstract ideal. They were there '''seeking jobs as well as justice, not just the absence of oppression but the presence of economic opportunity. For what does it profit a man''', Dr. King would ask, '''to sit at an integrated lunch counter if he can’t afford the meal? This idea -- that one’s liberty is linked to one’s livelihood; that the pursuit of happiness requires the dignity of work, the skills to find work, decent pay, some measure of material security -- this idea was not new.''' Lincoln himself understood the Declaration of Independence in such terms -- as a promise that in due time, “[[Abraham Lincoln#1860s|the weights should be lifted from the shoulders of all men, and that all should have an equal chance.]]” * The test was not, and never has been, whether the doors of opportunity are cracked a bit wider for a few. It was whether our economic system provides a fair shot for the many -- for the black custodian and the white steelworker, the immigrant dishwasher and the Native American veteran. '''To win that battle, to answer that call -- this remains our great unfinished business.''' * We can continue down our current path, in which the gears of this great democracy grind to a halt and our children accept a life of lower expectations; where politics is a zero-sum game where a few do very well while struggling families of every race fight over a shrinking economic pie -- that’s one path. Or we can have the courage to change. * '''The March on Washington teaches us that we are not trapped by the mistakes of history; that we are masters of our fate. But it also teaches us that the promise of this nation will only be kept when we work together.''' We’ll have to reignite the embers of empathy and fellow feeling, the coalition of conscience that found expression in this place 50 years ago. And I believe that spirit is there, that truth force inside each of us. I see it when a white mother recognizes her own daughter in the face of a poor black child. I see it when the black youth thinks of his own grandfather in the dignified steps of an elderly white man. It’s there when the native-born recognizing that striving spirit of the new immigrant; when the interracial couple connects the pain of a gay couple who are discriminated against and understands it as their own. '''That’s where courage comes from -- when we turn not from each other, or on each other, but towards one another, and we find that we do not walk alone. That’s where courage comes from.''' * America, '''I know the road will be long, but I know we can get there. Yes, we will stumble, but I know we’ll get back up. That’s how a movement happens. That’s how history bends. That's how when somebody is faint of heart, somebody else brings them along and says, come on, we’re marching.''' * '''There’s a reason why so many who marched that day, and in the days to come, were young -- for the young are unconstrained by habits of fear, unconstrained by the conventions of what is.''' They dared to dream differently, to imagine something better. And I am convinced that same imagination, the same hunger of purpose stirs in this generation. We might not face the same dangers of 1963, but the fierce urgency of now remains. We may never duplicate the swelling crowds and dazzling procession of that day so long ago -- no one can match King’s brilliance -- but the same flame that lit the heart of all who are willing to take a first step for justice, I know that flame remains. *<p>Everyone who realizes what those glorious patriots knew on that day -- that '''change does not come from Washington, but to Washington'''; that '''change has always been built on our willingness, [[United States Constitution|We The People]], to take on the mantle of citizenship''' -- you are marching.</p><p>'''And that’s the lesson of our past. That's the promise of tomorrow -- that in the face of impossible odds, people who love their country can change it. That when millions of Americans of every race and every region, every faith and every station, can join together in a spirit of brotherhood, then those mountains will be made low, and those rough places will be made plain, and those crooked places, they straighten out towards grace, and we will vindicate the faith of those who sacrificed so much and live up to the true meaning of our creed, as one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.'''</p> ==== Remarks on Economic Mobility (December 2013) ==== [[File:Flickr - Official U.S. Navy Imagery - President stands with Paralympians..jpg|thumb|Success doesn’t depend on being born into wealth or privilege, it depends on effort and merit.]] [[File:The President, the Speaker, and the Taoiseach.jpg|thumb|You owe it to the American people to tell us what you are for, not just what you’re against. That way we can have a vigorous and meaningful debate.]] [[File:Obamas with children at U.S. embassy in Berlin, 2013.jpg|thumb|Ultimately our strength is grounded in our people -- individuals out there, striving, working, making things happen. It depends on community, a rich and generous sense of community [...]. [...] We know that’s our strength -- our people, our communities, our businesses.]] [[File:Barack Obama speaks in New Orleans, 7 February 2008.jpg|thumb|Government can’t stand on the sidelines in our efforts. Because government is us. It can and should reflect our deepest values and commitments.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/12/04/remarks-president-economic-mobility Remarks by the President on Economic Mobility] ([http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/wp/2013/12/04/the-best-speech-obama-has-given-on-the-economy/?tid=pm_business_pop 4 December 2013]) at THEARC in Washington, D.C.</small> * And your work reflects a tradition that runs through our history -- a belief that '''we’re greater together than we are on our own.''' And that’s what I’ve come here to talk about today. * Now, the premise that we’re all created equal is the opening line in the American story. And while we don’t promise equal outcomes, we have strived to deliver equal opportunity -- the idea that '''success doesn’t depend on being born into wealth or privilege, it depends on effort and merit.''' And with every chapter we’ve added to that story, we’ve worked hard to put those words into practice. * So let me repeat: '''The combined trends of increased inequality and decreasing mobility pose a fundamental threat to the American Dream, our way of life, and what we stand for around the globe.''' And it is not simply a moral claim that I’m making here. '''There are practical consequences to rising inequality and reduced mobility.''' For one thing, these trends are bad for our economy. One study finds that '''growth is more fragile and recessions are more frequent in countries with greater inequality.''' And that makes sense. '''When families have less to spend, that means businesses have fewer customers, and households rack up greater mortgage and credit card debt; meanwhile, concentrated wealth at the top is less likely to result in the kind of broadly based consumer spending that drives our economy, and together with lax regulation, may contribute to risky speculative bubbles.''' * And '''rising inequality and declining mobility are also bad for''' our '''families and social cohesion -- not just because we tend to trust our institutions less, but''' studies show '''we actually tend to trust each other less when there’s greater inequality. And greater inequality is associated with less mobility between generations. That means it’s not just temporary; the effects last. It creates a vicious cycle. For example, by the time she turns three years old, a child born into a low-income home hears 30 million fewer words than a child from a well-off family, which means by the time she starts school she’s already behind, and that deficit can compound itself over time.''' * And finally, '''rising inequality and declining mobility are bad for''' our ''' democracy. Ordinary folks can’t write massive campaign checks or hire high-priced lobbyists and lawyers to secure policies that tilt the playing field in their favor at everyone else’s expense. And so people get the bad taste that the system is rigged, and that increases cynicism and polarization, and it decreases the political participation that is a requisite part of our system of self-government.''' * '''It’s true that government cannot prevent all the downsides of the technological change and global competition''' that are out there right now, and some of those forces are also some of the things that are helping us grow. And '''it’s also true that some programs in the past, like welfare before it was reformed, were sometimes poorly designed, created disincentives to work. But we’ve also seen how government action time and again can make an enormous difference in increasing opportunity and bolstering ladders into the middle class. Investments in education, laws establishing collective bargaining, and a minimum wage -- these all contributed to rising standards of living''' for massive numbers of Americans. * It was '''[[Adam Smith]], the father of free-market economics,''' who '''once said, “They who feed, clothe, and lodge the whole body of the people should have such a share of the produce of their own labor as to be themselves tolerably well fed, clothed, and lodged.”''' And for those of you who don’t speak old-English let me translate. '''It means if you work hard, you should make a decent living. If you work hard, you should be able to support a family.''' * I realize '''we are not going to resolve all of our political debates over the best ways to reduce inequality and increase upward mobility this year, or next year, or in the next five years. But it is important that we have a serious debate about these issues. For the longer that current trends are allowed to continue, the more it will feed the cynicism and fear that many Americans are feeling right now -- that they’ll never be able to repay the debt they took on to go to college, they’ll never be able to save enough to retire, they’ll never see their own children land a good job that supports a family.''' * If you still don’t like Obamacare -- and I know you don’t even though it’s built on market-based ideas of choice and competition in the private sector, then you should explain how, exactly, you’d cut costs, and cover more people, and make insurance more secure. '''You owe it to the American people to tell us what you are for, not just what you’re against. That way we can have a vigorous and meaningful debate. That’s what the American people deserve. That’s what the times demand. It’s not enough anymore to just say we should just get our government out of the way and let the unfettered market take care of it -- for our experience tells us that’s just not true.''' * Look, '''I’ve never believed that government can solve every problem or should''' -- and neither do you. We know that '''ultimately our strength is grounded in our people -- individuals out there, striving, working, making things happen. It depends on community, a rich and generous sense of community''' -- that’s at the core of what happens at THEARC here every day. You understand that '''turning back rising inequality and expanding opportunity requires parents taking responsibility for their kids, kids taking responsibility to work hard. It requires religious leaders who mobilize their congregations to rebuild neighborhoods block by block, requires civic organizations that can help train the unemployed, link them with businesses for the jobs of the future. It requires companies and CEOs to set an example by providing decent wages, and salaries, and benefits for their workers, and a shot for somebody who is down on his or her luck. We know that’s our strength -- our people, our communities, our businesses. But government can’t stand on the sidelines in our efforts. Because government is us. It can and should reflect our deepest values and commitments.''' And if we refocus our energies on building an economy that grows for everybody, and gives every child in this country a fair chance at success, then I remain confident that the future still looks brighter than the past, and that the best days for this country we love are still ahead. ==== Eulogy of Nelson Mandela (December 2013) ==== [[File:Bust Of Nelson Mandela-Royal Festival Hall-London.JPG|thumb|Action and ideas are not enough. No matter how right, they must be chiseled into law and institutions.']] [[File:MandelaStatue.jpg|thumb|Reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion and generosity and truth.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/12/10/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-south-african-president- Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former South African President Nelson Mandela] [http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/obamas-speech-at-mandela-memorial-mandela-taught-us-the-power-of-action-but-also-ideas/2013/12/10/a22c8a92-618c-11e3-bf45-61f69f54fc5f_story.html (10 December 2013)] at [http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/south-africa-and-world-leaders-say-farewell-to-mandela/2013/12/10/53970846-6153-11e3-a7b4-4a75ebc432ab_story_1.html First National Bank Stadium in Johannesburg, South Africa]</small> * [[Nelson Mandela|Mandela]] taught us the power of action, but he also taught us the power of ideas; the importance of reason and arguments; the need to '''study not only those who you agree with, but also those who you don’t agree with'''. He understood that '''ideas cannot be contained by prison walls, or extinguished by a sniper’s bullet.''' He turned his trial into an indictment of apartheid because of his eloquence and his passion, but also because of his training as an advocate. He used decades in prison to sharpen his arguments, but also to spread his thirst for knowledge to others in the movement. And he learned the language and the customs of his oppressor so that one day he might better convey to them how their own freedom depend upon his. * Mandela demonstrated that '''action and ideas are not enough. No matter how right, they must be chiseled into law and institutions.''' * It took a man like Madiba to free not just the prisoner, but the jailer as well to show that '''you must trust others so that they may trust you'''; to teach that '''reconciliation is not a matter of ignoring a cruel past, but a means of confronting it with inclusion and generosity and truth.''' * '''The struggles that follow the victory of formal equality or universal franchise may not be as filled with drama and moral clarity as those that came before, but they are no less important.''' For around the world today, we still see children suffering from hunger and disease. We still see run-down schools. We still see young people without prospects for the future. Around the world today, men and women are still imprisoned for their political beliefs, and are still persecuted for what they look like, and how they worship, and who they love. That is happening today. '''And so we, too, must act on behalf of justice. We, too, must act on behalf of peace.''' There are too many people who happily embrace Madiba’s legacy of racial reconciliation, but passionately resist even modest reforms that would challenge chronic poverty and growing inequality. There are too many leaders who claim solidarity with Madiba’s struggle for freedom, but do not tolerate dissent from their own people. And there are too many of us on the sidelines, comfortable in complacency or cynicism when our voices must be heard. * The questions we face today -- how to promote equality and justice; how to uphold freedom and human rights; how to end conflict and sectarian war -- these things do not have easy answers. But there were no easy answers in front of that child born in World War I. Nelson Mandela reminds us that '''it always seems impossible until it is done.''' South Africa shows that is true. South Africa shows '''we can change''', that '''we can choose a world defined not by our differences, but by our common hopes. We can choose a world defined not by conflict, but by peace and justice and opportunity.''' === 2014 === [[File:Johnsonliberty.jpg|thumb|History travels not only forwards; history can travel backwards, history can travel sideways. And securing the gains this country has made requires the vigilance of its citizens. Our rights, our freedoms -- they are not given. They must be won. They must be nurtured through struggle and discipline, and persistence and faith.]] [[File:Picket over Cape Times editor 2461.JPG|thumb|If you want a society that is free and vibrant and successful, part of that formula is the free flow of information, of ideas, and that requires a free press. A free press is a foundation for any democracy.]] *We are not just going to be waiting for legislation in order to make sure that we're providing Americans the kind of help that they need. I've got a pen, and I've got a phone. And I can use that pen to sign executive orders and take executive actions and administrative actions that move the ball forward **[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/obama-i-will-use-my-pen-and-phone-to-take-on-congress/ January 14, 2014] * For the average person, many folks who don't have health insurance initially, they're going to have to make some choices. And they might end up having to switch doctors, in part because they're saving money. ** [http://www.webmd.com/health-insurance/webmd-interviews-obama Interview with WebMD (14 March 2014)] * And so this visit, [[w:Flanders Field American Cemetery and Memorial|this hallowed ground]], reminds us that '''we must never, ever take our progress for granted. We must commit perennially to peace, which binds us across oceans.''' ** Remarks at Flanders Field Cemetery [http://news.yahoo.com/obama-plays-us-europe-bond-amid-russia-tension-113524803--politics.html in Waregem, Belgium on March 26, 2014.] * Those of us who have had the singular privilege to hold '''the office of the Presidency''' know well that progress in this country can be hard and it can be slow, frustrating and sometimes you’re stymied. '''The office humbles you. You’re reminded daily that in this great democracy, you are but a relay swimmer in the currents of history, bound by decisions made by those who came before, reliant on the efforts of those who will follow to fully vindicate your vision. But the presidency also affords a unique opportunity to bend those currents -- by shaping our laws and by shaping our debates; by working within the confines of the world as it is, but also by reimagining the world as it should be.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/10/remarks-president-lbj-presidential-library-civil-rights-summit Remarks by the President at LBJ Presidential Library Civil Rights Summit at Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas on April 10, 2014.] * But we are here today because we know we cannot be complacent. For '''history travels not only forwards; history can travel backwards, history can travel sideways. And securing the gains this country has made requires the vigilance of its citizens. Our rights, our freedoms -- they are not given. They must be won. They must be nurtured through struggle and discipline, and persistence and faith.''' And one concern I have sometimes during these moments, the celebration of the signing of the Civil Rights Act, the March on Washington -- from a distance, sometimes these commemorations seem inevitable, they seem easy. All the pain and difficulty and struggle and doubt -- all that is rubbed away. And we look at ourselves and we say, oh, things are just too different now; we couldn’t possibly do what was done then -- these giants, what they accomplished. And yet, they were men and women, too. It wasn’t easy then. It wasn’t certain then. Still, '''the story of America is a story of progress. However slow, however incomplete, however harshly challenged at each point on our journey, however flawed our leaders, however many times we have to take a quarter of a loaf or half a loaf -- the story of America is a story of progress. And that’s true because of men like President [[Lyndon B. Johnson|Lyndon Baines Johnson]].''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/10/remarks-president-lbj-presidential-library-civil-rights-summit Remarks by the President at LBJ Presidential Library Civil Rights Summit at Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas on April 10, 2014.] * And if there is one thing that he and this year’s anniversary should teach us, if there’s one lesson I hope that Malia and Sasha and young people everywhere learn from this day, it’s that '''with enough effort, and enough empathy, and enough perseverance, and enough courage, people who love their country can change it.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/10/remarks-president-lbj-presidential-library-civil-rights-summit Remarks by the President at LBJ Presidential Library Civil Rights Summit at Lyndon B. Johnson Presidential Library in Austin, Texas on April 10, 2014.] * What makes us Americans is something more than just the circumstances of birth, what we look like, what God we worship, but rather it is a joyful spirit of citizenship. '''Citizenship demands participation and responsibility, and service to our country and to one another. And few embody that more than our men and women in uniform.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/25/remarks-president-obama-naturalization-ceremony-servicemembers Remarks by President Obama at Naturalization Ceremony for Servicemembers at The War Memorial of Korea in Seoul, Republic of Korea at April 25, 2014] * '''Freedom is not an accident. Progress is not an accident. Democracy is not an accident. These are things that have to be fought for.''' You’re part of that legacy. '''They must be won. And they’ve got to be tended to constantly and defended without fail.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/26/remarks-president-obama-us-troops-and-personnel-us-army-garrison-yongsan Remarks by President Obama to U.S. Troops and Personnel at U.S. Army Garrison Yongsan in Seoul, Republic of Korea at April 26, 2014] * '''There is no greater nobility than offering one’s life to the nation''' and, Mr. President, your father offered his life so that this nation might be free. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/28/remarks-president-obama-and-president-aquino-iii-philippines-state-dinne Remarks by President Obama and President Aquino III of the Philippines during a State Dinner at Malacanang Palace in Manila, Philippines on April 28, 2014] * We have to do our best to uphold in our own lives the values that they were prepared to die for. We have to honor those who carry forward that legacy, recognizing that '''people cannot live in freedom unless free people are prepared to die for it.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/06/06/remarks-president-obama-70th-anniversary-d-day-omaha-beach-normandy Remarks by President Obama at the 70th Anniversary of D-Day at Normandy American Cemetery and Memorial, Omaha Beach, Normandy, France at June 6, 2014] * [[ISIL]] speaks for no religion. Their victims are overwhelmingly Muslim, and no faith teaches people to massacre innocents. No just God would stand for what they did yesterday, and for what they do every single day. ISIL has no ideology of any value to human beings. Their ideology is bankrupt. They may claim out of expediency that they are at war with the United States or the West, but the fact is they terrorize their neighbors and offer them nothing but an endless slavery to their empty vision, and the collapse of any definition of civilized behavior. And '''people like this ultimately fail. They fail, because the future is won by those who build and not destroy.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/08/20/statement-president Statement by the President (20 August 2014)] * You can’t contain an organization that is running roughshod through that much territory, causing that much havoc, displacing that many people, killing that many innocents, enslaving that many women. The goal has to be to dismantle them. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/05/remarks-president-obama-nato-summit-press-conference When Obama was asked what's needed to really destroy ISIL, not just push back - NATO Summit Press Conference] (9 September 2014) * The issue of press freedom is a constant concern in my interactions with the Chinese government. It’s an issue that I’ve raised with the President here in Burma. I’m pretty blunt and pretty frank about the fact that '''societies that repress journalists ultimately oppress people as well, and''' that '''if you want a society that is free and vibrant and successful, part of that formula is the free flow of information, of ideas, and that requires a free press.''' [...] And we believe that '''when governments censor or control information''', that ultimately '''that undermines not only the society, but it leads to eventual encroachments on individual rights as well.''' [...] I brought up a basic principle that I stated earlier, which is that '''a free press is a foundation for any democracy. We rely on journalists to explain and describe the actions of our government. If the government controls the journalists, then it's very difficult for citizens to hold that government accountable.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/14/remarks-president-obama-and-daw-aung-san-suu-kyi-burma-joint-press-confe Remarks by President Obama and Daw Aung San Suu Kyi of Burma in Joint Press Conference at Aung San Suu Kyi Residence in Rangoon, Burma on November 14, 2014] * I am a firm believer that '''any legitimate government has to be based on rule of law and a recognition that all people are equal under the law.''' ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/14/remarks-president-obama-and-daw-aung-san-suu-kyi-burma-joint-press-confe Remarks by President Obama and Daw Aung San Suu Kyi of Burma in Joint Press Conference at Aung San Suu Kyi Residence in Rangoon, Burma on November 14, 2014] * There have been periods where the folks who were already here suddenly say, 'Well, I don't want those folks,' even though the only people who have the right to say that are some Native Americans. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/25/remarks-president-immigration-chicago-il Remarks by the President on Immigration -- Chicago, IL (November 25, 2014)] ==== Review of Signals Intelligence Speech (June 2014) ==== [[File:Authority of Law SCOTUS.JPG|thumb|Liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.]] [[File:Liberty Displaying the Arts and Sciences, or The Genius of America Encouraging the Emancipation of the Blacks, 1792.jpg|thumb|Every person has the right to think and write and form relationships freely -- because individual freedom is the wellspring of human progress.]] :[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/01/17/remarks-president-review-signals-intelligence Remarks by the President on Review of Signals Intelligence (17 June 2014) at the U.S. Department of Justice in Washington, D.C., U.S.] * And yet, '''in our rush to respond to a very real and novel set of threats, the risk of government overreach -- the possibility that we lose some of our core liberties in pursuit of security''' -- also '''became more pronounced. […] intelligence agencies cannot function without secrecy, which makes their work less subject to public debate. Yet there is an inevitable bias not only within the intelligence community, but among all of us who are responsible for national security, to collect more information about the world, not less. So in the absence of institutional requirements for regular debate -- and oversight that is public, as well as private or classified -- the danger of government overreach becomes more acute. And this is particularly true when surveillance technology and our reliance on digital information is evolving much faster than''' our '''laws.''' * '''[T]he combination of increased digital information and powerful supercomputers offers intelligence agencies the possibility of sifting through massive amounts of bulk data to identify patterns or pursue leads that may thwart impending threats.''' It’s a powerful tool. '''But the government collection and storage of such bulk data also creates a potential for abuse.''' * I indicated in a speech at the National Defense University last May that we needed a more robust public discussion about the balance between security and liberty. Of course, what I did not know at the time is that within weeks of my speech, an avalanche of unauthorized disclosures would spark controversies at home and abroad that have continued to this day. And given the fact of an open investigation, I’m not going to dwell on [[Edward Snowden|Mr. Snowden]]’s actions or his motivations; I will say that '''our nation’s defense depends in part on the fidelity of those entrusted with our nation’s secrets. If any individual who objects to government policy can take it into their own hands to publicly disclose classified information, then we will not be able to keep our people safe, or conduct foreign policy.''' Moreover, the sensational way in which [[w:Global surveillance disclosures (2013–present)|these disclosures]] have come out has often shed more heat than light, while revealing methods to our adversaries that could impact our operations in ways that we may not fully understand for years to come. * There was a recognition by all who participated in these reviews that the '''challenges to our privacy do not come from government alone. Corporations of all shapes and sizes track what you buy, store and analyze our data, and use it for commercial purposes'''; that’s how those targeted ads pop up on your computer and your smartphone periodically. '''But all of us understand that the standards for government surveillance must be higher. Given the unique power of the state, it is not enough for leaders to say: Trust us, we won’t abuse the data we collect. For history has too many examples when that trust has been breached. Our system of government is built on the premise that our liberty cannot depend on the good intentions of those in power; it depends on the law to constrain those in power.''' * What’s at stake in this debate goes far beyond a few months of headlines, or passing tensions in our foreign policy. When you cut through the noise, what’s really at stake is how we remain true to who we are in a world that is remaking itself at dizzying speed. Whether it’s the ability of individuals to communicate ideas; to access information that would have once filled every great library in every country in the world; or to forge bonds with people on other sides of the globe, technology is remaking what is possible for individuals, and for institutions, and for the international order. So while the reforms that I have announced will point us in a new direction, I am mindful that more work will be needed in the future. One thing I’m certain of: This debate will make us stronger. And I also know that in this time of change, the United States of America will have to lead. It may seem sometimes that America is being held to a different standard. And I'll admit the readiness of some to assume the worst motives by our government can be frustrating. No one expects China to have an open debate about their surveillance programs, or Russia to take privacy concerns of citizens in other places into account. But let’s remember: We are held to a different standard precisely because we have been at the forefront of defending personal privacy and human dignity. * As the nation that developed the Internet, the world expects us to ensure that the digital revolution works as a tool for individual empowerment, not government control. Having faced down the dangers of totalitarianism and fascism and communism, the world expects us to stand up for the principle that '''every person has the right to think and write and form relationships freely -- because individual freedom is the wellspring of human progress.''' * Those values make us who we are. And because of the strength of our own democracy, we should not shy away from high expectations. For more than two centuries, our Constitution has weathered every type of change because we have been willing to defend it, and because we have been willing to question the actions that have been taken in its defense. Today is no different. I believe we can meet high expectations. '''Together, let us chart a way forward that secures the life of our nation while preserving the liberties that make our nation worth fighting for.''' ==== Sixth State of the Union Address (January 2014) ==== [[File:The County Election, Bingham, 1846.jpg|thumb|Citizenship means standing up for everyone's right to vote.[...] It should be the power of our vote, not the size of our bank account, that drives our democracy.]] [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|Citizenship demands a sense of common purpose; participation in the hard work of self-government; an obligation to serve to our communities.]] [[File:Thomas P. Rossiter, Signing of the Constitution.jpg|thumb|We counter terrorism not just through intelligence and military action but by remaining true to our constitutional ideals and setting an example for the rest of the world.]] [[File:Scene at the Signing of the Constitution of the United States.jpg|thumb|America has never come easy. Our freedom, our democracy, has never been easy. Sometimes we stumble; we make mistakes; we get frustrated or discouraged. But for more than two hundred years, we have put those things aside and placed our collective shoulder to the wheel of progress: to create and build and expand the possibilities of individual achievement; to free other nations from tyranny and fear; to promote justice and fairness and equality under the law, so that the words set to paper by our founders are made real for every citizen.]] :<small>[http://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/full-text-of-obamas-2014-state-of-the-union-address/2014/01/28/e0c93358-887f-11e3-a5bd-844629433ba3_story.html Sixth State of the Union Address delivered on January 28, 2014 during a joint session of the United States Congress]</small> * Tonight this chamber speaks with one voice to the people we represent: '''It is you, our citizens, who make the state of our union strong.''' * And in the coming months, let's see where else we can make progress together. Let's make this a year of action. That's what most Americans want, for all of us in this chamber to focus on their lives, their hopes, their aspirations. And '''what I believe unites the people of this nation, regardless of race or region or party, young or old, rich or poor, is the simple, profound belief in opportunity for all, the notion that if you work hard and take responsibility, you can get ahead in America.''' * The point is, there are millions of Americans outside Washington who are tired of stale political arguments and are moving this country forward. They believe, and I believe, that here in America, '''our success should depend not on accident of birth but the strength of our work ethic and the scope of our dreams.''' * This year let's all come together, Congress, the White House, businesses from Wall Street to Main Street, to give every woman the opportunity she deserves, because I believe '''when women succeed, America succeeds.''' * Now, women hold a majority of lower-wage jobs, but they're not the only ones stifled by stagnant wages. Americans understand that '''some people will earn more money than others, and we don't resent those who, by virtue of their efforts, achieve incredible success.''' That's what America's all about. '''But''' Americans overwhelmingly agree that '''no one who works full-time should ever have to raise a family in poverty.''' * That's why tonight I ask every American who knows someone without health insurance to help them get covered by March 31st. Help them get covered. Moms, get on your kids to sign up. Kids, call your mom and walk her through the application. It'll give her some peace of mind, and plus, she'll appreciate hearing from you. After all, that -- '''that's the spirit that has always moved this nation forward. It's the spirit of citizenship, the recognition that through hard work and responsibility, we can pursue our individual dreams, but still come together as one American family to make sure the next generation can pursue its dreams as well.''' * '''Citizenship means standing up for everyone's right to vote.''' [[w:Shelby County v. Holder|Last year, part of the Voting Rights Act was weakened]], but conservative Republicans and liberal Democrats are working together to strengthen it. And the bipartisan commission I appointed, chaired by my campaign lawyer and [[Mitt Romney|Governor Romney]]'s campaign lawyer, came together and have offered reforms so that no one has to wait more than a half hour to vote. Let's support these efforts. '''It should be the power of our vote, not the size of our bank account, that drives our democracy.''' * '''Citizenship demands a sense of common purpose; participation in the hard work of self-government; an obligation to serve to our communities.''' * For while our relationship with Afghanistan will change, one thing will not: our resolve that terrorists do not launch attacks against our country. [...] '''We have to remain vigilant. But I strongly believe our leadership and our security cannot depend on our outstanding military alone.''' As commander in chief, I have used force when needed to protect the American people, and I will never hesitate to do so as long as I hold this office. But I will not send our troops into harm's way unless it is truly necessary, nor will I allow our sons and daughters to be mired in open-ended conflicts. '''We must fight the battles that need to be fought, not those that terrorists prefer from us -- large-scale deployments that drain our strength and may ultimately feed extremism. So even as we actively and aggressively pursue terrorist networks, through more targeted efforts and by building the capacity of our foreign partners, America must move off a permanent war footing.''' That's why I've imposed prudent limits on the use of drones, '''for we will not be safer if people abroad believe we strike within their countries without regard for the consequence.''' * And with [[w:War in Afghanistan (2001–present)|the Afghan war]] ending, this needs to be the year Congress lifts the remaining restrictions on detainee transfers and we close the prison at [[w:Guantanamo Bay detention camp|Guantanamo Bay]], because '''we counter [[terrorism]] not just through intelligence and military action but by remaining true to our constitutional ideals and setting an example for the rest of the world.''' * '''If [[John F. Kennedy]] and [[Ronald Reagan]] could negotiate with the Soviet Union, then surely a strong and confident America can negotiate with less powerful adversaries today.''' * And finally, '''let's remember that our leadership is defined not just by our defense against threats but by the enormous opportunities to do good and promote understanding around the globe, to forge greater cooperation, to expand new markets, to free people from fear and want.''' And no one is better positioned to take advantage of those opportunities than America. Our alliance with Europe remains the strongest the world has ever known. From Tunisia to Burma, '''we're supporting those who are willing to do the hard work of building democracy.''' In Ukraine, '''we stand for the principle that all people have the right to express themselves freely and peacefully and to have a say in their country's future.''' [...] '''We do these things because they help promote our long-term security. And we do them because we believe in the inherent dignity and equality of every human being, regardless of race or religion, creed or sexual orientation.''' [...] My fellow Americans, '''no other country in the world does what we do. On every issue, the world turns to us, not simply because of the size of our economy or our military might but because of the ideals we stand for and the burdens we bear to advance them.''' * '''America has never come easy. Our freedom, our democracy, has never been easy. Sometimes we stumble; we make mistakes; we get frustrated or discouraged. But for more than two hundred years, we have put those things aside and placed our collective shoulder to the wheel of progress: to create and build and expand the possibilities of individual achievement; to free other nations from tyranny and fear; to promote justice and fairness and equality under the law, so that the words set to paper by our founders are made real for every citizen. The America we want for our kids -- a rising America where honest work is plentiful and communities are strong; where prosperity is widely shared and opportunity for all lets us go as far as our dreams and toil will take us -- none of it is easy. But if we work together; if we summon what is best in us [...], with our feet planted firmly in today but our eyes cast towards tomorrow, I know it's within our reach. Believe it.''' ==== Address to European Youth (March 2014) ==== [[File:Chifflart - Das Gewissen - 1877.jpeg|thumb|Through conscience and free will, each of us has the right to live as we choose.]] [[File:UNO New York.JPG|thumb|Our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a [[United Nations]] and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws. But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.]] [[File:A solar halo illuminates the sky over an American flag flying outside Building 1 at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., in the early afternoon Nov. 12, 2013 131112-F-OC707-021.jpg|thumb|We are human, after all, and we face difficult choices about how to exercise our power. But part of what makes us different is that we welcome criticism, just as we welcome the responsibilities that come with global leadership.]] [[File:Demoralization Leaflet Robert Ley Postcard front.jpeg|thumb|No amount of propaganda can make right something that the world knows is wrong.]] [[File:Blue Marble Western Hemisphere.jpg|thumb|Our democracy, our individual opportunity only exists because those who came before us had the wisdom and the courage to recognize that our ideals will only endure if we see our self-interest in the success of other peoples and other nations.]] [[File:Day 294 - West Midlands Police - Film project with young people in Birmingham (8102717350).jpg|thumb|Do not think for a moment that your own freedom, your own prosperity, that your own moral imagination is bound by the limits of your community, your ethnicity, or even your country. You’re bigger than that. You can help us to choose a better history.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/03/26/remarks-president-address-european-youth Address to European Youth delivered on March 26, 2014 at Palais des Beaux Arts Brussels, Belgium]</small> * Throughout human history, societies have grappled with fundamental questions of how to organize themselves, the proper relationship between the individual and the state, the best means to resolve inevitable conflicts between states. And it was here in Europe, through centuries of struggle -- through war and [[w:Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], repression and revolution -- that '''a particular set of ideals began to emerge''': The belief that '''through conscience and free will, each of us has the right to live as we choose.''' The belief that '''power is derived from the consent of the governed''', and that '''laws and institutions should be established to protect that understanding.''' And those ideas eventually inspired a band of colonialists across an ocean, and they wrote them into the founding documents that still guide America today, including the simple truth that '''all men -- and women -- are created equal.''' But those ideals have also been tested -- here in Europe and around the world. Those ideals have often been threatened by an older, more traditional view of power. This alternative vision argues that ordinary men and women are too small-minded to govern their own affairs, that order and progress can only come when individuals surrender their rights to an all-powerful sovereign. Often, this alternative vision roots itself in the notion that by virtue of race or faith or ethnicity, some are inherently superior to others, and that individual identity must be defined by “us” versus “them,” or that national greatness must flow not by what a people stand for, but by what they are against. In many ways, the history of Europe in the 20th century represented the ongoing clash of these two sets of ideas, both within nations and among nations. The advance of industry and technology outpaced our ability to resolve our differences peacefully, and even among the most civilized of societies, on the surface we saw a descent into barbarism. * This morning at [[w:Flanders Field American Cemetery and Memorial|Flanders Field]], I was reminded of how war between peoples sent a generation to their deaths in the trenches and gas of the [[World War II|First World War]]. And just two decades later, extreme nationalism plunged this continent into [[World War II|war]] once again -- with populations enslaved, and great cities reduced to rubble, and tens of millions slaughtered, including those lost in the [[Holocaust]]. It is in response to this tragic history that, in the aftermath of World War II, America joined with Europe to reject the darker forces of the past and build a new architecture of peace. Workers and engineers gave life to the [[w:Marshall Plan.|Marshall Plan]]. Sentinels stood vigilant in a NATO Alliance that would become the strongest the world has ever known. And '''across the Atlantic, we embraced a shared vision of Europe -- a vision based on representative democracy, individual rights, and a belief that nations can meet the interests of their citizens through trade and open markets; a social safety net and respect for those of different faiths and backgrounds.''' * For decades, this vision stood in sharp contrast to life on the other side of an [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]]. [[Cold War|For decades, a contest was waged, and ultimately that contest was won]] -- not by tanks or missiles, but because our ideals stirred the hearts of [[w:Iron Curtain#Fall_of_the_Iron_Curtain|Hungarians who sparked a revolution]]; [[w:History of Solidarity|Poles in their shipyards who stood in Solidarity]]; Czechs who waged a [[w:Velvet Revolution|Velvet Revolution]] without firing a shot; and [[w:Peaceful Revolution|East Berliners who marched past the guards and finally tore down]] [[Berlin Wall|that wall]]. Today, what would have seemed impossible in [[w:Flanders Fields|the trenches of Flanders]], the rubble of Berlin, or a dissident’s prison cell -- that reality is taken for granted. [[w:German Unification|A Germany unified]]. [[w:Revolutions of 1989|The nations of Central and Eastern Europe welcomed into the family of democracies.]] Here in this country, once the battleground of Europe, we meet in the hub of [[w:European Union|a Union]] that brings together age-old adversaries in peace and cooperation. The people of Europe, hundreds of millions of citizens -- east, west, north, south -- are more secure and more prosperous because we stood together for the ideals we share. And this story of human progress was by no means limited to Europe. Indeed, the ideals that came to define our alliance also inspired movements across the globe among those very people, ironically, who had too often been denied their full rights by Western powers. After the Second World War, people from Africa to India threw off the yoke of colonialism to secure their independence. [[w:American Civil Rights Movement|In the United States, citizens took freedom rides and endured beatings to put an end to segregation and to secure their civil rights]]. As the Iron Curtain fell here in Europe, the iron fist of [[w:Apartheid|apartheid]] was unclenched, and [[Nelson Mandela]] emerged upright, proud, from prison to lead a multiracial democracy. Latin American nations rejected dictatorship and built new democracies, and Asian nations showed that development and democracy could go hand in hand. * Young people in the audience today, young people like Laura, were born in a place and a time where there is less conflict, more prosperity and more freedom than any time in human history. But that’s not because man’s darkest impulses have vanished. Even here, in Europe, we’ve seen [[w:Balkan Wars|ethnic cleansing in the Balkans]] that shocked the conscience. The difficulties of integration and globalization, recently amplified by the worst economic crisis of our lifetimes, strained the European project and stirred the rise of a politics that too often targets immigrants or gays or those who seem somehow different. While technology has opened up vast opportunities for trade and innovation and cultural understanding, it’s also allowed terrorists to kill on a horrifying scale. Around the world, sectarian warfare and ethnic conflicts continue to claim thousands of lives. And [[w:2014 Crimean crisis|once again, we are confronted with the belief among some that bigger nations can bully smaller ones to get their way]] -- that recycled maxim that [[w:Might makes right|might somehow makes right]]. So I come here today to insist that '''we must never take for granted the progress that has been won here in Europe and advanced around the world, because the contest of ideas continues for your generation.''' And [[w:2014 Ukrainian revolution|that’s what’s at stake in Ukraine today]]. Russia’s leadership is challenging truths that only a few weeks ago seemed self-evident -- that in the 21st century, the borders of Europe cannot be redrawn with force, that international law matters, that people and nations can make their own decisions about their future. * None of us can know for certain what the coming days will bring in Ukraine, but I am confident that eventually '''those voices -- those voices for human dignity and opportunity and individual rights and rule of law -- those voices ultimately will triumph. I believe that over the long haul, as nations that are free, as free people, the future is ours.''' I believe this not because I’m naïve, and I believe this not because of the strength of our arms or the size of our economies, '''I believe this because these ideals that we affirm are true; these ideals are universal.''' * '''Yes, we believe in democracy -- with elections that are free and fair; and independent judiciaries and opposition parties; civil society and uncensored information so that individuals can make their own choices. Yes, we believe in open economies based on free markets and innovation, and individual initiative and entrepreneurship, and trade and investment that creates a broader prosperity. And, yes, we believe in human dignity -- that every person is created equal, no matter who you are, or what you look like, or who you love, or where you come from. That is what we believe. That’s what makes us strong. And our enduring strength is also reflected in our respect for an international system that protects the rights of both nations and people -- a [[United Nations]] and a [[w:Universal Declaration of Human Rights|Universal Declaration of Human Rights]]; international law and the means to enforce those laws. But we also know that those rules are not self-executing; they depend on people and nations of goodwill continually affirming them.''' * Of course, neither the United States nor Europe are perfect in adherence to our ideals, nor do we claim to be the sole arbiter of what is right or wrong in the world. '''We are human, after all, and we face difficult choices about how to exercise our power. But part of what makes us different is that we welcome criticism, just as we welcome the responsibilities that come with global leadership.''' * '''No amount of propaganda can make right something that the world knows is wrong.''' * '''There will always be voices who say that what happens in the wider world is not our concern, nor our responsibility. But we must never forget that we are heirs to a struggle for freedom. Our democracy, our individual opportunity only exists because those who came before us had the wisdom and the courage to recognize that our ideals will only endure if we see our self-interest in the success of other peoples and other nations.''' * And '''it is you, the young people''' of Europe, young people like Laura, '''who will help decide which way the currents of our history will flow. Do not think for a moment that your own freedom, your own prosperity, that your own moral imagination is bound by the limits of your community, your ethnicity, or even your country. You’re bigger than that. You can help us to choose a better history.''' That’s what Europe tells us. That’s what the American experience is all about. * '''In the end, the success of our ideals comes down to us -- including the example of our own lives, our own societies. We know that there will always be intolerance. But instead of fearing the immigrant, we can welcome him. We can insist on policies that benefit the many, not just the few; that an age of globalization and dizzying change opens the door of opportunity to the marginalized, and not just a privileged few. Instead of targeting our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters, we can use our laws to protect their rights. Instead of defining ourselves in opposition to others, we can affirm the aspirations that we hold in common.''' That’s what will make America strong. That’s what will make Europe strong. '''That’s what makes us who we are. And just as we meet our responsibilities as individuals, we must be prepared to meet them as nations. Because we live in a world in which our ideals are going to be challenged again and again by forces that would drag us back into conflict or corruption. We can’t count on others to rise to meet those tests.''' * And '''that’s the question we all must answer''' -- what kind of Europe, what kind of America, '''what kind of world will we leave behind. And I believe that if we hold firm to our principles, and are willing to back our beliefs with courage and resolve, then hope will ultimately overcome fear, and freedom will continue to triumph over tyranny -- because that is what forever stirs in the human heart.''' * '''It’s not a sign of strength. Anybody can make threats. Anyone can move an army. Anyone can show off a missile. That doesn’t make you strong. It does not lead to security, or opportunity, or respect. Those things don't come through force. They have to be earned.''' And '''real strength is allowing an open and participatory democracy, where people can choose their own leaders and choose their own destiny.''' And '''real strength is allowing a vibrant society, where people can think and pray and speak their minds as they please, even if it’s against their leaders -- especially if it’s against their leaders. Real strength is allowing free and open markets that have built growing, thriving middle classes and lifted millions of people out of poverty.''' ==== Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall (April 2014) ==== [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|The most important thing for -- and maybe the most important thing for all the young people here -- is to realize that you really can have an impact on the world; you can achieve your dreams. But in order to do so, you have to focus not so much on a title or how much money you’re going to make, you have to focus more on what kind of influence and impact are you going to have on other people’s lives -- what good can you do in the world.]] [[File:2013 State of the Union Address.jpg|thumb|We must recognize that democracies don’t stop just with elections; they also depend on strong institutions and a vibrant civil society, and open political space, and tolerance of people who are different than you. We have to create an environment where the rights of every citizen, regardless of race or gender, or religion or sexual orientation are not only protected, but respected.]] [[File:Barack Obama at tornado-smashed school in Moore, Oklahoma.jpg|thumb|The most important thing that I learned as a young person trying to bring about change is you have to be persistent, and you have to get more people involved, and you have to form relationships with different groups and different organizations. And you have to listen to people about what they’re feeling and what they’re concerned about, and build trust. And then, you have to try to find a small part of the problem and get success on that first, so that maybe from there you can start something else and make it bigger and make it bigger, until over time you are really making a difference in your community and in that problem. But you can’t be impatient.]] [[File:Obamas greet visitors in White House.jpg|thumb|Treat people with respect, whoever they are, and expect your governments to treat everybody with respect. And if you do that, then you’re going to be okay.]] : <small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/04/27/remarks-president-obama-young-southeast-asian-leaders-initiative-town-ha Remarks by President Obama at Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall, University of Malaya, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (April 27, 2014)]</small> * Now, one of the things that makes this region so interesting is its diversity. That diversity creates a unique intersection of humanity -- people from so many ethnic groups and backgrounds and religious and political beliefs. I gives Malaysia, as one primary example, the chance to prove -- as America constantly tries to prove -- that '''nations are stronger and more successful when they work to uphold the civil rights and political rights and human rights of all their citizens.''' * Partnerships like those remind us that '''the relationship between nations is not just defined by governments, but is defined by people -- especially the young people who will determine the future long after those of us who are currently in positions of power leave the stage.''' * '''No nation is immune to dangerous and disruptive weather patterns, so every nation is going to have to do its part.''' And the United States is ready to do ours. Last year, I introduced America’s first-ever Climate Action Plan to use more clean energy and less dirty energy, and cut the dangerous carbon pollution that contributes to climate change. So we want to cooperate with countries in Southeast Asia to do the same, to combat the destruction of our forests. '''We can’t condemn future generations to a planet that is beyond fixing. We can only do that together.''' * America is the world’s oldest constitutional '''democracy'''; that means we’re going to stand up for democracy -- it’s a part of who we are. And we do this not only because we think it’s right, but because '''it’s been proven to be the most stable and successful form of government.''' In recent decades, many Asian nations have shown that different nations can realize the promise of self-government in their own way; they have their own path. But '''we must recognize that democracies don’t stop just with elections; they also depend on strong institutions and a vibrant civil society, and open political space, and tolerance of people who are different than you. We have to create an environment where the rights of every citizen, regardless of race or gender, or religion or sexual orientation are not only protected, but respected.''' * We know that '''progress can always be reversed''', and that '''positive change is achieved not through passion alone, but through patient and persistent effort.''' But we’ve seen things change for the better in this region and around the world '''because of the effort of ordinary people, together -- working together.''' * And when I think back to my journey, my past, I think '''the most important thing for -- and maybe the most important thing for all the young people here -- is to realize that you really can have an impact on the world; you can achieve your dreams. But in order to do so, you have to focus not so much on a title or how much money you’re going to make, you have to focus more on what kind of influence and impact are you going to have on other people’s lives -- what good can you do in the world.''' Now, that may involve starting a business, but if you want to start a business you should be really excited about the product or the service that you’re making. It shouldn’t just be how much money I can make -- because the business people who I meet who do amazing things, like [[Bill Gates]], who started Microsoft -- they’re usually people who are really interested in what they do and they really think that it can make a difference in people’s lives. '''If you want to go into government, you shouldn’t just want to be a particular government official. You should want to go into government because you think it can help educate some children, or it can help provide jobs for people who need work.''' So I think '''the most important thing for me was when I started thinking more about other people and how I could have an impact in my larger society and community, and wasn’t just thinking about myself. That’s when I think your dreams can really take off -- because if you’re only thinking about you, then your world is small; if you‘re thinking about others, then your world gets bigger.''' * The world has gotten smaller and '''no country is going to succeed if part of its population is put on the sidelines because they’re discriminated against. [...] No society is going to succeed if half your population -- meaning women -- aren’t getting the same education and employment opportunities as men.''' So I think the key point for all of you, especially as young people, is '''you should embrace your culture. You should be proud of who you are and your background. And you should appreciate the differences in language and food. And how you worship God is going to be different, and those are things that you should be proud of. But it shouldn’t be a tool to look down on somebody else. It shouldn’t be a reason to discriminate. And you have to make sure that you are speaking out against that in your daily life, and as you emerge as leaders you should be on the side of politics that brings people together rather than drives them apart. That is the most important thing for this generation.''' And '''part of the way to do that is to be able to stand in other people’s shoes, see through their eyes.''' Almost every religion has within it the basic principle that I, as a Christian, understand from the teachings of [[Jesus]]. '''Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Treat people the way you want to be treated. And if you’re not doing that and if society is not respecting that basic principle, then we’re going backwards instead of going forward.''' [...] And when you see astronauts from Japan or from the United States or from Russia or others working together, and they’re looking down at this planet from a distance you realize '''we’re all on this little rock in the middle of space and the differences that seem so important to us from a distance dissolve into nothing. And so, we have to have that same perspective -- respecting everybody, treating everybody equally under the law. That has to be a principle that all of you uphold.''' * So, '''first of all, you’ve got to try to get people involved.''' And a lot of people are busy in their own lives or they don’t think it’s going to make a difference or they’re scared if they’re speaking out against authority. And many of the problems that we’re facing, like trying to create jobs or better opportunity or dealing with poverty or dealing with the environment, these are problems that have been going on for decades. And so, '''to think that somehow you’re going to change it in a day or a week, and then if it doesn’t happen you just give up, well, then you definitely won’t succeed. So the most important thing that I learned as a young person trying to bring about change is you have to be persistent, and you have to get more people involved, and you have to form relationships with different groups and different organizations. And you have to listen to people about what they’re feeling and what they’re concerned about, and build trust. And then, you have to try to find a small part of the problem and get success on that first, so that maybe from there you can start something else and make it bigger and make it bigger, until over time you are really making a difference in your community and in that problem. But you can’t be impatient.''' And the great thing about young people is they’re impatient. The biggest problem with young people is they’re impatient. It’s a strength, because it’s what makes you want to change things. But sometimes, '''you can be disappointed if change doesn’t happen right away and then you just give up. And you just have to stay with it and learn from your failures, as well as your successes.''' * But what you’ve also seen is a trend in the United States but also around the world in which even when the economy grows, it tends to benefit a lot of people at the very top, but the vast majority of people, they don't benefit as much. And you're starting to see bigger and bigger gaps in inequality and in wealth and in opportunity. And that's true not just in the United States, it's true in Europe; it's long been true in parts of Asia; it's been true in Latin America. And I believe that '''economies work best when growth and development is broad-based, when it's shared -- when ordinary people, if they work hard and they take responsibility, they can succeed. Not everybody is going to be rich, but everybody should be able to live a good life. Not everybody is going to be a billionaire, but everybody should be able to have a nice home and educate their children and feel some sense of security.''' * '''Investing in people is the single most important thing in the [[knowledge economy]]. Traditionally, wealth was defined by land and natural resources. Today the most important resources is between our ears.''' * '''Treat people with respect, whoever they are, and expect your governments to treat everybody with respect. And if you do that, then you’re going to be okay.''' * [...] despite how hard sometimes the world seems to be, and all you see on television is war and conflict and poverty and violence, '''the truth is that if you had to choose when to be born, not knowing where or who you would be, in all of human history, now would be the time. Because the world is less violent, it is healthier, it is wealthier, it is more tolerant and it offers more opportunity than any time in human history for more people than any time in human history.''' Now, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t still terrible things happening around the world or in this region. We still have things like human trafficking. And we still have terrible abuse of children. And there are conflicts. And so '''these are things that we’re going to have to tackle and deal with. But you should know that with each successive generation things have improved just a little bit. And over time, that little bit adds to a lot. And it’s now up to you, the next generation, to make sure that 20 years from now, or 30 years from now, people look back and say, wow, things are a lot better now than they were back then. And there will still be problems 20 or 30 years from now also. But they will be different problems, because you will have solved many of the problems that exist today.''' ==== 25th Anniversary of Polish Freedom Day Speech (June 2014) ==== [[File:Goddess of Democracy profile HK 20100604.jpg|thumb|Democracy is more than just elections. True democracy, real prosperity, lasting security -- these are neither simply given, nor imposed from the outside. They must be earned and built from within.]] [[File:Genius of Liberty on top of the Soldier's National Monument, Gettyburg.jpg|thumb|The blessings of liberty must be earned and renewed by every generation -- including our own.]] [[File:Strajk w stoczni szczecinskiej 1980.jpg|thumb|There is no change without risk, and no progress without sacrifice, and no freedom without solidarity.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/06/04/remarks-president-obama-25th-anniversary-freedom-day-warsaw-poland Remarks by President Obama at at 25th Anniversary of Freedom Day -- Warsaw, Poland delivered on June 4, 2014 at Castle Square, Warsaw, Poland]</small> * Poland reminds us that '''sometimes the smallest steps, however imperfect, can ultimately tear down walls, can ultimately transform the world.''' * For '''democracy is more than just elections. True democracy, real prosperity, lasting security -- these are neither simply given, nor imposed from the outside. They must be earned and built from within.''' They must be earned and built from within. And in that age-old contest of ideas -- between freedom and authoritarianism, between liberty and oppression, between solidarity and intolerance -- Poland’s progress shows the enduring strength of the ideals that we cherish as a free people. Here we see the strength of democracy: Citizens raising their voices, free from fear. Here we see political parties competing in open and honest elections. Here we see an independent judiciary working to uphold the rule of law. Here in Poland we see a vibrant press and a growing civil society that holds leaders accountable -- because '''governments exist to lift up their people, not to hold them down.''' * Poland understands as few other nations do that '''every nation must be free to chart its own course, to forge its own partnerships, to choose its own allies.''' * It’s a wonderful story, but the story of this nation reminds us that '''freedom is not guaranteed. And history cautions us to never take progress for granted.''' On [[w:Polish legislative election, 1989|the same day 25 years ago that Poles were voting here]], [[w:Tiananmen Square protests of 1989#Night_of_June_3_to_morning_of_June_4|tanks were crushing peaceful democracy protests in Tiananmen Square]] on the other side of the world. '''The blessings of liberty must be earned and renewed by every generation -- including our own.''' * Our '''democracies must be defined not by what or who we’re against, but by a politics of inclusion and tolerance that welcomes all our citizens.''' Our economies must deliver a broader prosperity that creates more opportunity -- across Europe and across the world -- especially for young people. '''Leaders must uphold the public trust and stand against corruption, not steal from the pockets of their own people.''' Our '''societies must embrace a greater justice that recognizes the inherent dignity of every human being.''' And as we’ve been reminded by [[w:2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine|Russia’s aggression in Ukraine]], our '''free nations cannot be complacent in pursuit of the vision we share -- a Europe that is whole and free and at peace. We have to work for that. We have to stand with those who seek freedom.''' * We stand together because we believe that '''people and nations have the right to determine their own destiny.''' And that includes the people of Ukraine. [[w:Euromaidan|Robbed by a corrupt regime, Ukrainians demanded a government that served them.]] [[w:Euromaidan February riots|Beaten and bloodied]], [[w:2014 Ukrainian revolution|they refused to yield]]. [[w:Ukrainian presidential election, 2014|Threatened and harassed, they lined up to vote; they elected a new President in a free election]] -- because '''a leader’s legitimacy can only come from the consent of the people.''' * We stand together because we believe that '''upholding peace and security is the responsibility of every nation. The days of empire and spheres of influence are over. Bigger nations must not be allowed to bully the small, or impose their will at the barrel of a gun or with masked men taking over buildings. [[w:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation#Accession_treaty_and_immediate_aftermath|And the stroke of a pen can never legitimize the theft of a neighbor’s land.]]''' So we will not accept [[w:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|Russia’s occupation of Crimea]] or [[w:2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine|its violation of Ukraine’s sovereignty]]. Our free nations will stand united so that further [[w:2014 pro-Russian conflict in Ukraine|Russian provocations]] will only mean more isolation and costs for Russia. Because '''after investing so much blood and treasure to bring Europe together, how can we allow the dark tactics of the 20th century to define this new century?''' * Thank you, Poland -- thank you for your courage. Thank you for reminding the world that '''no matter how brutal the crackdown, no matter how long the night, the yearning for liberty and dignity does not fade away. It will never go away.''' Thank you, Poland, for your iron will and for showing that, yes, '''ordinary citizens can grab the reins of history''', and that '''freedom will prevail -- because, in the end, tanks and troops are no match for the force of our ideals.''' * '''There is no change without risk, and no progress without sacrifice, and no freedom without solidarity.''' ==== Remarks to the People of Estonia (September 2014) ==== [[File:The County Election, Bingham, 1846.jpg|thumb|We’re not afraid of free and fair elections, because true legitimacy can only come from one source -- and that is the people.]] [[File:An audience member records video as President Barack Obama delivers remarks before presenting a Medal of Honor to U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Ty Michael Carter during a ceremony at the White House in Washington, D.C 130826-A-AJ780-002.jpg|thumb|We have to uphold a free press and freedom of speech -- because, in the end, lies and misinformation are no match for the truth.]] [[File:ArchivesRotunda.jpg|thumb|The more countries are free and strong, and free from intimidation, the more secure our own liberties are.]] [[File:Barack Obama talks with Angela Tennison on Hallowe'en 2013.jpg|thumb|Do not lose the idealism and optimism that is the root of all great change. Don’t ever lose the faith that says, if we want it, if we are willing to work for it, if we stand together, the future can be different; tomorrow can be better.]] [[File:BaltskýŘetěz.jpg|thumb|And so long as free peoples summon the confidence and the courage and the will to defend the values that we cherish, then freedom will always be stronger and our ideas will always prevail no matter what.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2014/09/03/president-obama-addresses-people-estonia#transcript Remarks by President Obama to the People of Estonia i.e. students, young professionals, civil leaders, and the people of Estonia at the Nordea Concert Hall in Tallinn, Estonia] [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/03/we-are-stronger-because-we-are-democracies-president-obama-addresses-people-estonia on September 3, 2014 ]</small> * But the people of the Baltic nations also knew that '''freedom needs a foundation of security.''' * Your experience cautions that '''progress is neither easy nor quick.''' * '''We’re stronger because we’re democracies. We’re not afraid of free and fair elections, because true legitimacy can only come from one source -- and that is the people. We’re not afraid of an independent judiciary, because no one is above the law. We’re not afraid of a free press or vibrant debate or a strong civil society, because leaders must be held accountable. We’re not afraid to let our young people go online to learn and discover and organize, because we know that countries are more successful when citizens are free to think for themselves.''' * Because of the work of generations, because we’ve stood together in a great alliance, because people across this continent have forged a European Union dedicated to cooperation and peace, we have made historic progress toward the vision we share -- a Europe that is whole and free and at peace. And yet, as we gather here today, we know that this vision is threatened by [[w:2014 Russian military intervention in Ukraine|Russia’s aggression against Ukraine]]. It is a brazen assault on the territorial integrity of Ukraine -- a sovereign and independent European nation. It challenges that '''most basic of principles of our international system''' -- that '''[[w:Annexation of Crimea by the Russian Federation|borders cannot be redrawn at the barrel of a gun]]'''; that '''nations have the right to determine their own future'''. It undermines '''an international order where the rights of peoples and nations are upheld and can’t simply be taken away by brute force.''' * And even as we meet conventional threats, '''we need to face other challenges. And that includes propaganda campaigns that try to whip up fears and divide people from one another. We reject the idea that people cannot live and thrive together, just because they have different backgrounds or speak a different language. And the best antidotes to such distorted thinking are the values that define us.''' Not just in the Baltics, but throughout Europe, '''we must acknowledge the inherent dignity and human rights of every person -- because our democracies cannot truly succeed until we root out bias and prejudice, both from our institutions and from our hearts. We have to uphold a free press and freedom of speech -- because, in the end, lies and misinformation are no match for the truth. We have to embrace open and inclusive societies -- because our countries are more successful and more prosperous when we welcome the talents of all our people, including minorities.''' That’s part of the work that we must do. That's the example we must set. * And this brings me to the final area where our nations have to come together -- in our steadfast support for those who reach for their freedom. And, yes, that includes the people of Ukraine. And few understand this better than the Baltic peoples. You know from bitter experience that '''we can never take our security and liberties for granted.''' We want Ukrainians to be independent and strong and able to make their own choices free from fear and intimidation, because '''the more countries are free and strong, and free from intimidation, the more secure our own liberties are.''' * In the face of violence that seems intractable and suffering that is so senseless, it is easy to grow cynical, and I think tempting to give in to the notion that peace and security may be beyond our grasp. But I say to all of you here today, especially the young people, do not give into that cynicism. Do not lose the idealism and optimism that is the root of all great change. Don’t ever lose the faith that says, if we want it, if we are willing to work for it, if we stand together, the future can be different; tomorrow can be better. * '''Yes, there will be setbacks and there will be frustrations, and there will be moments of doubt and moments of despair. The currents of history ebb and flow, but over time they flow toward freedom -- more people, in every corner of the Earth, standing up and reaching to claim those rights that are universal. And that’s why, in the end, our ideals are stronger. And that’s why, in the end, our ideals will win.''' * '''[[Dignity]] will win -- because every human being is born equal, with free will and inalienable rights. And any regime or system of government that tries to deny these rights will ultimately fail and countries that uphold them will only grow stronger.''' * '''[[Justice]] will win -- because might does not make right, and the only path to lasting peace is when people know that their dignity will be respected and that their rights will be upheld. And citizens, like nations, will never settle for a world where the big are allowed to bully the small. Sooner or later, they fight back.''' * '''[[Democracy]] will win -- because a government’s legitimacy can only come from citizens; because in this age of information and empowerment, people want more control over their lives, not less; and because, more than any other form of government ever devised, only democracy, rooted in the sanctity of the individual, can deliver real progress.''' * And '''[[Freedom|freedom]] will win''' -- not because it’s inevitable, not because it is ordained, but '''because these basic human yearnings for dignity and justice and democracy do not go away. They can be suppressed. At times, they can be silenced, but they burn in every human heart in a place where no regime could ever reach, a light that no army can ever extinguish. And so long as free peoples summon the confidence and the courage and the will to defend the values that we cherish, then freedom will always be stronger and our ideas will always prevail no matter what.''' ==== Statement on ISIL (September 2014) ==== [[File:Kyle White Arrival.jpg|thumb|This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.]] [[File:2011 State of the Union.jpg|thumb|We are strongest as a nation when the President and Congress work together.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/10/remarks-president-barack-obama-address-nation Statement by the President on the] [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/10/president-obama-we-will-degrade-and-ultimately-destroy-isil Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL)] at the State Hall of the White House in Washington, D.C. on September 10, 2014</small> * I have made it clear that '''we will hunt down terrorists who threaten our country, wherever they are. That means I will not hesitate to take action''' against ISIL in Syria, as well as Iraq. '''This is a core principle of my presidency: If you threaten America, you will find no safe haven.''' * So this is our strategy. And in each of these four parts of our strategy, America will be joined by a broad coalition of partners. Already, allies are flying planes with us over Iraq; sending arms and assistance to Iraqi security forces and the Syrian opposition; sharing intelligence; and providing billions of dollars in humanitarian aid. [[John Kerry|Secretary Kerry]] was in Iraq today meeting with the new government and supporting their efforts to promote unity. And in the coming days he will travel across the Middle East and Europe to enlist more partners in this fight, especially Arab nations who can help mobilize Sunni communities in Iraq and Syria, to drive these terrorists from their lands. '''This is American leadership at its best: We stand with people who fight for their own freedom, and we rally other nations on behalf of our common security and common humanity.''' * My administration has also secured bipartisan support for this approach here at home. I have the authority to address the threat from ISIL, but I believe '''we are strongest as a nation when the President and Congress work together.''' So I welcome congressional support for this effort in order to show the world that Americans are united in confronting this danger. * '''Now, it will take time to eradicate a cancer like ISIL.''' And any time we take military action, there are risks involved –- especially to the servicemen and women who carry out these missions. But I want the American people to understand how this effort will be different from the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It will not involve American combat troops fighting on foreign soil. '''This counterterrorism campaign will be waged through a steady, relentless effort to take out ISIL wherever they exist, using our air power and our support for partner forces on the ground. This strategy of taking out terrorists who threaten us, while supporting partners on the front lines, is one that we have successfully pursued in Yemen and Somalia for years. And it is consistent with the approach I outlined earlier this year''': '''to use force against anyone who threatens America’s core interests, but to mobilize partners wherever possible to address broader challenges to international order.''' * '''Despite all the divisions and discord within our democracy, I see the grit and determination and common goodness of the American people every single day –- and that makes me more confident than ever about our country’s future.''' * '''America, our endless blessings bestow an enduring burden. But as Americans, we welcome our responsibility to lead.''' From Europe to Asia, from the far reaches of Africa to war-torn capitals of the Middle East, '''we stand for freedom, for justice, for dignity. These are values that have guided our nation since its founding. Tonight, I ask for your support in carrying that leadership forward.''' I do so as a Commander-in-Chief who could not be prouder of our men and women in uniform –- pilots who bravely fly in the face of danger above the Middle East, and servicemembers who support our partners on the ground. [...] And '''our own safety, our own security, depends upon our willingness to do what it takes to defend this nation and uphold the values that we stand for –- timeless ideals that will endure long after those who offer only hate and destruction have been vanquished from the Earth.''' ==== Remarks at Clinton Global Initiative (September 2014) ==== [[File:D-Day 70 COLLEVILLE-SUR-MER.jpg|thumb|The most important title is citizen. It is citizens -- ordinary men and women, determined to forge their own future -- who throughout history have sparked all the great change and progress.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/23/remarks-president-clinton-global-initiative Remarks by the President at Clinton Global Initiative] in New York City, New York on September 23, 2014</small> * As we do every time this year, Presidents and Prime Ministers converge on this great city to advance important work. But as leaders, we are not the most important people here today. It is the civil society leaders who, in many ways, are going to have the more lasting impact, because as the saying goes, '''the most important title is not president or prime minister; the most important title is citizen. It is citizens -- ordinary men and women, determined to forge their own future -- who throughout history have sparked all the great change and progress.''' * These '''citizens remind us why civil society is so essential. When people are free to speak their minds and hold their leaders accountable, governments are more responsive and more effective. When entrepreneurs are free to create and develop new ideas, then economies are more innovative, and attract more trade and investment, and ultimately become more prosperous. When communities, including minorities, are free to live and pray and love as they choose; when nations uphold the rights of all their people -— including, perhaps especially, women and girls -— then those countries are more likely to thrive. If you want strong, successful countries, you need strong, vibrant civil societies. When citizens are free to organize and work together across borders to make our communities healthier, our environment cleaner, and our world safer, that's when real change comes.''' ==== Address to the United Nations (September 2014) ==== [[File:Chinadialogue speaking CK-0038.jpg|thumb|No external power can bring about a transformation of hearts and minds.]] [[File:President Barack Obama delivers remarks at the UNGA Climate Summit 2014 in the General Assembly Hall at the United Nations in New York.jpg|thumb|Peace is not merely the absence of war, but the presence of a better life.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly on September 24, 2014 in the United Nations General Assembly Hall, New York City, New York, USA.]</small> * '''We choose hope over fear. We see the future not as something out of our control, but as something we can shape for the better through concerted and collective effort. We reject fatalism or cynicism when it comes to human affairs. We choose to work for the world as it should be, as our children deserve it to be.''' * And we call upon others to join us on the right side of history -- for '''while small gains can be won at the barrel of a gun, they will ultimately be turned back if enough voices support the freedom of nations and peoples to make their own decisions.''' * '''If the world acts together, we can make sure that all of our children enjoy lives of opportunity and dignity.''' * I have made it clear that America will not base our entire foreign policy on reacting to terrorism. Instead, '''we’ve waged a focused campaign against [[al Qaeda]] and its associated forces — taking out their leaders, denying them the safe havens they rely on.''' At the same time, '''we have reaffirmed again and again that the United States is not and never will be at war with [[Islam]]. Islam teaches [[peace]].''' Muslims the world over aspire to live with dignity and a sense of justice. And when it comes to America and Islam, there is no us and them, there is only us — because millions of Muslim Americans are part of the fabric of our country. <br /> So we reject any suggestion of a clash of civilizations. '''Belief in permanent religious war is the misguided refuge of extremists who cannot build or create anything, and therefore peddle only [[fanaticism]] and [[hate]].''' And it is no exaggeration to say that '''humanity’s future depends on us uniting against those who would divide us along the fault lines of tribe or sect, race or religion.''' * Those who continue to fight for a hateful cause will find they are increasingly alone. For we will not succumb to threats, and we will demonstrate that '''the [[future]] belongs to those who build — not those who destroy.''' * You have demonstrated that '''when young people have the tools to succeed -- good schools, education in math and science, an economy that nurtures creativity and entrepreneurship -- then societies will flourish.[...] Where women are full participants in a country’s politics or economy, societies are more likely to succeed. [...] If young people live in places where the only option is between the dictates of a state, or the lure of an extremist underground, then no counterterrorism strategy can succeed. But where a genuine civil society is allowed to flourish -- where people can express their views, and organize peacefully for a better life -- then you dramatically expand the alternatives to terror.''' * Now, ultimately, '''the task of rejecting sectarianism and rejecting extremism is a generational task''' -- and a task for the people of the Middle East themselves. '''No external power can bring about a transformation of hearts and minds.''' But America will be a respectful and constructive partner. We will neither tolerate terrorist safe havens, nor act as an occupying power. We will take action against threats to our security and our allies, while building an architecture of counterterrorism cooperation. We will increase efforts to lift up those who counter extremist ideologies and who seek to resolve sectarian conflict. And we will expand our '''programs to support entrepreneurship and civil society, education and youth -- because, ultimately, these investments are the best antidote to violence.''' * So this is what America is prepared to do: Taking action against immediate threats, while pursuing a world in which the need for such action is diminished. The United States will never shy away from defending our interests, but we will also not shy away from the promise of this institution and its Universal Declaration of Human Rights -- the notion that '''peace is not merely the absence of war, but the presence of a better life.''' ==== Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall Speech (November 2014) ==== [[File:Goddess of Democracy profile HK 20100604.jpg|thumb|Securing the gains of freedom and democracy requires good faith and strength of will, and tolerance and respect for diversity, and it requires vigilance from all citizens.]] [[File:Minute Man Statue Lexington Massachusetts cropped.jpg|thumb| Rights and freedoms are not given; they have to be won through struggle and through discipline, and persistence and faith. And it’s often young people who have led these struggles.]] [[File:Ripa dignity allegory (7885027).jpg|thumb|Human dignity is not just a universal aspiration, but a human right.]] [[File:West Hartford, Connecticut health care reform town hall meeting, 2009-09-02.jpg|thumb|In whatever circle of influence you have, speak out on behalf of tolerance and diversity and respect. If you are quiet, then the people who are intolerant, they’ll own the stage and they’ll set the terms of the debate. And one of the things that leadership requires is saying things even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s unpopular -- especially when it’s unpopular.]] [[File:Ballet-Ballerinas-1928.jpg|thumb|Societies that are most successful also treat their women and girls with respect. Otherwise, they won’t be successful.]] [[File:New york times square-terabass.jpg|thumb|It is important for a democracy that people's identities are also a national identity. [...] If people think in terms of ethnic identity before national identity, then I think over time the country will start breaking apart and democracy will not work. So there has to be a sense of common purpose.[...] both the majority and the minority, the powerful and the powerless, also have to have a sense of national identity in order to be successful.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/14/remarks-president-obama-young-southeast-asian-leaders-initiative-town-ha Remarks by President Obama at Young Southeast Asian Leaders Initiative Town Hall delivered on November 14, 2014 at Yangon University, Rangoon, Burma]</small> * Whenever I travel the world, from Europe to Africa, South America to Southeast Asia, o'''ne of the things I most enjoy doing is meeting young men and women like you'''. It’s more fun than being in a conference room. And it’s also more important -- '''because you are the young leaders who will determine the future of this country and this region.''' So I’m going to keep my remarks short at the top, because I want to take as many questions and comments from you. * So '''progress is not inevitable. History does not always march forward. History can travel sideways and sometimes backwards. Building trust after years of conflict takes time. Being able to look past the scars of violence takes courage. Securing the gains of freedom and democracy requires good faith and strength of will, and tolerance and respect for diversity, and it requires vigilance from all citizens.''' The American people know well that '''rights and freedoms are not given; they have to be won through struggle and through discipline, and persistence and faith. And it’s often young people who have led these struggles'''; who have compelled us to slowly but surely perfect our own union in America over time. * We see young leaders who embrace the diversity of this region not as a weakness, but as a strength, and who realize that even '''though we are all individually different and come from different traditions and different communities, we're stronger when we work together.''' * So '''the future of this region, your region, is not going to be determined by dictators or by armies, it's going to be determined by entrepreneurs and inventors and dreamers and people who are doing things in the community. And you're going to be the leaders who make that happen. Your generation has greater potential to shape society than any generation that's come before because you have the power to get knowledge from everywhere, and you have more sophistication and experiences than your parents or your grandparents. And you have now the chance to share knowledge and experiences with other young people all across this region and around the world. And that wasn't true 20 years ago or 50 years ago.''' * You have the power to remind us all that '''human dignity is not just a universal aspiration, but a human right.''' * '''There is no example of a country that is successful if its people are divided based on religion or ethnicity.''' If you look at the Middle East right now and the chaos that’s taking place in a place like [[w:Syria Civil War|Syria]], so much of that is based on religious differences. Even though they’re all Muslim, Shia and Sunni are fighting each other. If you look in Northern Ireland, then Catholics and Protestants fought for decades and only now have arrived at peace. So in this globalized world where people of different faiths and cultures and races are going to meet each other inevitably -- because nobody just lives in a village anymore; people are constantly getting information from different places and new ideas and meeting people who are different from them –- '''it is critical for any country to abide by the basic principle that all people are equal, all people are deserving of respect, all people are equal under the law, all people can participate in the life of their country, all people should be able to express their views without fear of being repressed. And those attitudes start with each of us individually. It’s important that government play a role in making sure that it applies laws fairly, not arbitrarily, not on the basis of preferring one group over another.''' * But what’s also true is that '''each of us have to cultivate an attitude of tolerance and mutual respect. And for young people, we have to try to encourage each other to be tolerant and respectful.''' So in the United States, obviously one of the biggest problems historically has been the issue of racial discrimination. And part of our efforts to overcome racial discrimination involve passing laws like the Civil Rights Law and the Voting Rights Law, and that required [[w:African-American Civil Rights Movement (1954–68)|marches and protests]] and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Dr. King]]. But part of the effort was also people changing the hearts and minds, and realizing that just because somebody doesn’t look like me doesn’t mean that they’re not worthy of respect. And when you’re growing up and you saw a friend of yours call somebody by a derogatory name, a rude name because they were different, it’s your job to say to that person, actually, that’s not the right way to think. If you are Christian and you have a friend who says I hate Muslims, then it’s up to you to say to that friend, you know what, I don’t believe in that; I think that’s the wrong attitude, I think we have to be respectful of the Muslim population. If you’re Buddhist and you say -- you hear somebody in your group say I want to treat a Hindu differently, it’s your job to speak out. So '''the most important thing I think is for you to, in whatever circle of influence you have, speak out on behalf of tolerance and diversity and respect. If you are quiet, then the people who are intolerant, they’ll own the stage and they’ll set the terms of the debate. And one of the things that leadership requires is saying things even when it’s uncomfortable, even when it’s unpopular -- especially when it’s unpopular. So I hope that as you get more influence, you’ll continue to speak out on behalf of these values.''' * Okay, I’m going to go –- now, the one thing I’m going to do is I’m going to go boy, girl, boy, girl to make sure that it’s fair, because one thing I didn’t say in my initial speech is '''societies that are most successful also treat their women and girls with respect. Otherwise, they won’t be successful.''' * '''I’m very proud of the United States. I believe that the United States is a force for good around the world. But I wouldn’t be a good President if I don’t listen to criticism of our policies and stay open to what other countries say about us.''' Sometimes I think those criticisms are unfair. Sometimes I think people like to complain about the United States because we’re doing too much. Sometimes they complain because they’re doing too little. Every problem around the world, why isn’t the United States doing something about it. Sometimes there are countries that don’t take responsibility for themselves and they want us to fix it. And then when we do try to fix it, they say why are you meddling in our affairs. Yes, it’s kind of frustrating sometimes. But the fact that we are getting these criticisms means that we’re constantly thinking, okay, is this how we should apply this policy? '''Are we doing the right thing when we provide aid to a country, but the country is still ruled by a small elite and maybe it’s not getting down to the people? Are we doing the right thing when we engage in training a military to become more professional, but maybe the military is still engaging in repressive activity? If we’re not open to those criticisms, then we won’t get better, we won’t improve.''' * But my understanding is there are many villages you go to where there’s really no schools, as a practical matter, and many of the schools still teach just how to memorize certain things rather than how to think critically about problems. And '''every country''' at this point, '''if it wants to succeed, needs to put in place free, compulsory education for its young people -- because they just can’t succeed unless they have some basic skills. They have to be able to read. They have to be able to do mathematics. They have to have some familiarity with computers. They have to be able to understand basic principles of science. If you don’t have those basic tools, then it’s very hard to find a decent job in today’s economy.''' * But what I said to the civil society groups is, yes, '''it is important to protect specific ethnic groups from discrimination. And it is natural in a democracy that ethnic groups organize among themselves to be heard in the halls of power.''' So in the United States, for example, as its democracy developed, the Irish in big cities, they came together and they built organizations, and they were able to promote the interests of Irish Americans. And African Americans, when they were seeking their freedom, you had organizations like the NAACP that promoted the interests of African Americans. So '''there's nothing wrong with groups organizing around ethnic identity, or around economic interests, or around regional concerns. That's how a democracy naturally works. You get with people who agree with you or who are like you to make sure that your concerns are heard. But''' what I said is that '''it is important for a democracy that people's identities are also a national identity.''' If you walk down the streets of New York City, you will see people looking more different than this group right here. You'll see blue-eyed, blonde people. You'll see dark-skinned, black people. You'll see Asians. You'll see Muslims. You'll see -- but if you ask any of those people, “What are you?” -- I'm American. Now I may be an African American or an Asian American or an Irish American, but the first thing I'll say is, I'm an American. And '''if you don't have that sense of national unity, then it's very hard for a country to succeed''' -- particularly a small country like Myanmar. '''If people think in terms of ethnic identity before national identity, then I think over time the country will start breaking apart and democracy will not work. So there has to be a sense of common purpose. But that's not an excuse then for majority groups to say, don’t complain, to ethnic minorities -- because the ethnic minorities may have some real complaints. And part of what is important for the majority groups to do -- if, in fact, you have a national identity, that means that you've got to be concerned with a minority also because it reflects badly on your country if somebody from a minority group is not being treated fairly.''' America could not live up to its potential until it treated its black citizens fairly. That's just a fact, that that was a stain on America when an entire group of people couldn't vote, or didn't have legal protections. Because it made all [[United States Declarations of Independence|the Declarations of Independence and Constitution and rule of law, it made that seem like an illusion. And so when the Civil Rights Movement happened in the United States, that wasn't just a victory for African Americans, that was a victory for America because what it showed was that the whole country was going to be concerned about everybody, not just about some people. And it was a victory for America's national identity that it was treating minorities fairly. And that's I think how every country in ASEAN, including Myanmar, needs to think about these problems. '''You need to respect people's differences. You need to be attentive to the grievances of minorities that may be discriminated against. But both the majority and the minority, the powerful and the powerless, also have to have a sense of national identity in order to be successful.''' * But I also think that from what I've heard, one of the reforms that will need to take place in universities here is to make sure that in all the departments there is the ability for universities and students to shape curriculums and to have access to information from everywhere around the world, and that it's not just a narrow process of indoctrination. Because '''the best universities are ones that teach you how to think not what to think''', right? '''A good education is not just knowing facts, although you need to know facts. You need to know that two plus two is four; it's not five. That's an important fact. But you also need to know how to ask questions, and how to critically analyze a problem, and how to be able to distinguish between fact and opinion, and how to compare two different ideas.''' * And this is probably a good place for me to end by just saying that the issue of climate change is a perfect example of why young people have to lead. Because '''old people, they've created a mess, and then they'll be gone. And then you''' -- (applause) -- '''you're the ones who have to deal with it. And also what happens is old people get set in their ways. So the older you get, the more likely you are to say, that's how it's always been so that's how I'm going to keep on doing it -- even if there's a better way to do things. Young people, they're asking, well, why do I have to do it that way? Let's try it this way. And that kind of willingness to accept challenges and try things in a new way, to not be stuck in the past, or to look towards the future, that's what all of you represent.''' ==== Queensland University Address (November 2014) ==== [[File:President Obama visits the Vaccine Research Center.jpg|thumb|Dignity begins with the most basic of needs -- a life free of hunger and disease and want.]] [[File:President Obama delivers remarks on India and America at the Siri Fort Auditorium in New Delhi (2).jpg|thumb|Combating climate change cannot be the work of governments alone. Citizens, especially the next generation, you have to keep raising your voices, because you deserve to live your lives in a world that is cleaner and that is healthier and that is sustainable. But that is not going to happen unless you are heard.]] [[File:President Obama greets the crowd following his speech on India and America at the Siri Fort Auditorium.jpg|thumb|You have the power to imagine a new future in a way that some of the older folks don’t always have.]] [[File:President Obama receives an update on Affordable Care Act, April 2014..jpg|thumb|The best measure of whether a nation is going to be successful is whether they are tapping the talents of their women and treating them as full participants in politics and society and the econ.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/15/remarks-president-obama-university-queensland Remarks by President Obama at the University of Queensland at the University of Queensland in Brisbane, Australia (November 15, 2014)]</small> * And we believe in democracy -- that '''the only real source of legitimacy is the consent of the people'''; that '''every individual is born equal with fundamental rights, inalienable rights''', and that '''it is the responsibility of governments to uphold these rights.''' * '''We do not benefit from a relationship''' with China or any other country '''in which we put our values and our ideals aside. And for the young people, practicality is a good thing. There are times where compromise is necessary. That’s part of wisdom. But it’s also important to hang on to what you believe -- to know what you believe and then be willing to stand up for it. And what’s true for individuals is also true for countries.''' * As we develop, as we focus on our econ, '''we cannot forget the need to lead on the global fight against climate change.''' [...] Here in the Asia Pacific, nobody has more at stake when it comes to thinking about and then acting on climate change. Here, a climate that increases in temperature will mean more extreme and frequent storms, more flooding, rising seas that submerge Pacific islands. Here in Australia, it means longer droughts, more wildfires. The incredible natural glory of the Great Barrier Reef is threated. Worldwide, this past summer was the hottest on record. '''No nation is immune, and every nation has a responsibility to do its part.''' [...] We are mindful of the great work that still has to be done on this issue. But let me say, particularly again to the young people here: '''Combating climate change cannot be the work of governments alone. Citizens, especially the next generation, you have to keep raising your voices, because you deserve to live your lives in a world that is cleaner and that is healthier and that is sustainable. But that is not going to happen unless you are heard. It is in the nature of things, it is in the nature of the world that those of us who start getting gray hair are a little set in our ways, that interests are entrenched''' -- not '''because''' people are bad people, '''it’s just that’s how we’ve been doing things. And we make investments, and companies start depending on certain energy sources, and change is uncomfortable and difficult. And that’s why it’s so important for the next generation to be able to step and say, no, it doesn’t have to be this way. You have the power to imagine a new future in a way that some of the older folks don’t always have.''' * '''America supports free and fair elections, because citizens must be free to choose their own leaders''' -- as in Thailand where we are urging a quick return to inclusive, civilian rule. '''We support freedom of assembly, and freedom of speech, and freedom of the press, a free and open Internet, strong civil societies, because the voices of the people must be heard and leaders must be held accountable -- even though it’s uncomfortable sometimes. [...] We support strong institutions and independent judiciaries and open government, because the rule of force must give way to the rule of law.''' And in that same fashion, the United States will continue to stand up for the inherent dignity of every human being. Now, '''dignity begins with the most basic of needs -- a life free of hunger and disease and want.''' * '''We’ll advance human dignity by standing up for the rights of minorities, because no one’s equality should ever be denied. We will stand up for freedom of religion -- the right of every person to practice their faith as they choose -- because we are all children of God, and we are all fallible. And the notion that we, as a majority, or the state should tell somebody else what to believe with respect to their faith, is against our basic values. We will stand up for our gay and lesbian fellow citizens, because they need to be treated equally under the law. We will stand up for the rights and futures of our wives and daughters and partners, because''' I believe that '''the best measure of whether a nation is going to be successful is whether they are tapping the talents of their women and treating them as full participants in politics and society and the econ.''' * '''It’s a partnership not just with nations, but with people, with you, for decades to come. Bound by the values we share, guided by the vision we seek, I am absolutely confident we can advance the security and the prosperity and the dignity of people across this region. And in pursuit of that future, you will have no greater friend than the United States of America.''' ==== Address to the Nation on Immigration (November 2014) ==== [[File:Barack Obama by Gage Skidmore 3.jpg|thumb|We are and always will be a nation of immigrants. We were strangers once, too. And whether our forebears were strangers who crossed the Atlantic, or the Pacific, or the Rio Grande, we are here only because this country welcomed them in, and taught them that to be an American is about something more than what we look like, or what our last names are, or how we worship. What makes us Americans is our shared commitment to an ideal -– that all of us are created equal, and all of us have the chance to make of our lives what we will. That’s the country our parents and grandparents and generations before them built for us. That’s the tradition we must uphold. That’s the legacy we must leave for those who are yet to come.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/11/20/remarks-president-address-nation-immigration Remarks by the President in Address to the Nation on Immigration at the Cross Hall of White Hous in Washington, D.C. (November 20, 2015)]</small> * I understand the disagreements held by many of you at home. Millions of us, myself included, go back generations in this country, with ancestors who put in the painstaking work to become citizens. So we don’t like the notion that anyone might get a free pass to American citizenship. I know '''some worry immigration will change the very fabric of who we are, or take our jobs, or stick it to middle-class families at a time when they already feel like they’ve gotten the raw deal for over a decade.''' I hear these concerns. But that’s not what these steps would do. '''Our history and the facts show that immigrants are a net plus for our economy and our society.''' And I believe it’s important that all of us have this debate without impugning each other’s character. * Because for all the back and forth of Washington, we have to remember that '''this debate is about something bigger. It’s about who we are as a country, and who we want to be for future generations. <br> Are we a nation that tolerates the hypocrisy of a system where workers who pick our fruit and make our beds never have a chance to get right with the law? Or are we a nation that gives them a chance to make amends, take responsibility, and give their kids a better future? <br> Are we a nation that accepts the cruelty of ripping children from their parents’ arms? Or are we a nation that values families, and works together to keep them together? <br> Are we a nation that educates the world’s best and brightest in our universities, only to send them home to create businesses in countries that compete against us? Or are we a nation that encourages them to stay and create jobs here, create businesses here, create industries right here in America? <br> That’s what this debate is all about. We need more than politics as usual when it comes to immigration. We need reasoned, thoughtful, compassionate debate that focuses on our hopes, not our fears.''' * Over the past few years, I have seen the determination of immigrant fathers who worked two or three jobs without taking a dime from the government, and at risk any moment of losing it all, just to build a better life for their kids. I’ve seen the heartbreak and anxiety of children whose mothers might be taken away from them just because they didn’t have the right papers. I’ve seen the courage of students who, except for the circumstances of their birth, are as American as Malia or Sasha; students who bravely come out as undocumented in hopes they could make a difference in the country they love. '''These people –- our neighbors, our classmates, our friends –- they did not come here in search of a free ride or an easy life. They came to work, and study, and serve in our military, and above all, contribute to America’s success.''' * '''Are we a nation that kicks out a striving, hopeful immigrant''' like Astrid, '''or are we a nation that finds a way to welcome her in? Scripture tells us that we shall not oppress a stranger, for we know the heart of a stranger –- we were strangers once, too.''' * My fellow Americans, '''we are and always will be a nation of immigrants. We were strangers once, too. And whether our forebears were strangers who crossed the Atlantic, or the Pacific, or the Rio Grande, we are here only because this country welcomed them in, and taught them that to be an American is about something more than what we look like, or what our last names are, or how we worship. What makes us Americans is our shared commitment to an ideal -– that all of us are created equal, and all of us have the chance to make of our lives what we will. That’s the country our parents and grandparents and generations before them built for us. That’s the tradition we must uphold. That’s the legacy we must leave for those who are yet to come.''' ==== Statement on Cuban policy (December 2014) ==== [[File:Bundesarchiv Bild 183-L0614-040, Berlin, Fidel Castro an der Grenze.jpg|thumb|Let us leave behind the legacy of both colonization and communism, the tyranny of drug cartels, dictators and sham elections. A future of greater peace, security and democratic development is possible if we work together -- not to maintain power, not to secure vested interest, but instead to advance the dreams of our citizens.]] [[File:Miami collage 20110330.jpg|thumb|Miami is often referred to as the capital of Latin America. But it is also a profoundly American city -– a place that reminds us that ideals matter more than the color of our skin, or the circumstances of our birth; a demonstration of what the Cuban people can achieve, and the openness of the United States to our family to the South.]] [[Image:Capitolio havana.jpg|thumb|Change is hard –- in our own lives, and in the lives of nations. And change is even harder when we carry the heavy weight of history on our shoulders. But today we are making these changes because it is the right thing to do. Today, America chooses to cut loose the shackles of the past so as to reach for a better future –- for the Cuban people, for the American people, for our entire hemisphere, and for the world.]] :<small>[http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/12/17/statement-president-cuba-policy-changes "Statement by the President on Cuba Policy Change" (17 December 2014)]</small> * '''Today, the United States of America is changing its relationship with the people of [[Cuba]]. <br /> In the most significant changes in our policy in more than fifty years, we will end an outdated approach that, for decades, has failed to advance our interests, and instead we will begin to normalize relations between our two countries.''' Through these changes, we intend to create more opportunities for the American and Cuban people, and begin a new chapter among the nations of the Americas. * Proudly, '''the United States has supported democracy and human rights in Cuba through these five decades. We have done so primarily through policies that aimed to isolate the island, preventing the most basic travel and commerce that Americans can enjoy anyplace else. And though this policy has been rooted in the best of intentions, no other nation joins us in imposing these sanctions, and it has had little effect beyond providing the Cuban government with a rationale for restrictions on its people. Today, Cuba is still governed by the Castros and the Communist Party that came to power half a century ago. Neither the American, nor Cuban people are well served by a rigid policy that is rooted in events that took place before most of us were born.''' Consider that for more than 35 years, we’ve had relations with China –- a far larger country also governed by a Communist Party. Nearly two decades ago, we reestablished relations with Vietnam, where we fought [[Vietnam War|a war]] that claimed more Americans than any [[Cold War]] confrontation. * While I have been prepared to take additional steps for some time, a major obstacle stood in our way –- the wrongful imprisonment, in Cuba, of a U.S. citizen and USAID sub-contractor [[w:Alan Gross|Alan Gross]] for five years. Over many months, my administration has held discussions with the Cuban government about Alan’s case, and other aspects of our relationship. His Holiness [[Pope Francis]] issued a personal appeal to me, and to Cuba’s President [[w:Raul Castro|Raul Castro]], urging us to resolve Alan’s case, and to address Cuba’s interest in the release of three Cuban agents who have been jailed in the United States for over 15 years. <br /> Today, Alan returned home –- reunited with his family at long last. Alan was released by the Cuban government on humanitarian grounds. '''Separately, in exchange for the three Cuban agents, Cuba today released one of the most important intelligence agents that the United States has ever had in Cuba, and who has been imprisoned for nearly two decades.''' This man, whose sacrifice has been known to only a few, provided America with the information that allowed us to arrest the network of Cuban agents that included the men transferred to Cuba today, as well as other spies in the United States. '''This man is now safely on our shores. <br /> Having recovered these two men who sacrificed for our country, I’m now taking steps to place the interests of the people of both countries at the heart of our policy.''' * I’ve instructed Secretary [[John Kerry|Kerry]] to immediately begin discussions with Cuba to '''reestablish diplomatic relations that have been severed since January of 1961. Going forward, the United States will reestablish an embassy in Havana, and high-ranking officials will visit Cuba. <br /> Where we can advance shared interests, we will — on issues like health, migration, counterterrorism, drug trafficking and disaster response. Indeed, we’ve seen the benefits of cooperation between our countries before. It was a Cuban, [[w:Carlos Finlay|Carlos Finlay]], who discovered that mosquitoes carry yellow fever; his work helped [[w:Walter Reed|Walter Reed]] fight it.''' Cuba has sent hundreds of health care workers to Africa to fight [[w:Ebola virus epidemic in West Africa|Ebola]], and I believe American and Cuban health care workers should work side by side to stop the spread of this deadly disease. Now, '''where we disagree, we will raise those differences directly -– as we will continue to do on issues related to democracy and human rights in Cuba. But I believe that we can do more to support the Cuban people and promote our values through engagement. After all, these 50 years have shown that isolation has not worked. It’s time for a new approach.''' * '''Nobody represents America’s values better than the American people, and I believe this contact will ultimately do more to empower the Cuban people.''' * '''I believe in the free flow of information. Unfortunately, our sanctions on Cuba have denied Cubans access to technology that has empowered individuals around the globe. So I’ve authorized increased telecommunications connections between the United States and Cuba. Businesses will be able to sell goods that enable Cubans to communicate with the United States and other countries.''' * '''I’m under no illusion about the continued barriers to freedom that remain for ordinary Cubans.''' The United States believes that no Cubans should face harassment or arrest or beatings simply because they’re exercising a universal right to have their voices heard, and we will continue to support civil society there. While Cuba has made reforms to gradually open up its economy, we continue to believe that Cuban workers should be free to form unions, just as their citizens should be free to participate in the political process. <br /> Moreover, given Cuba’s history, I expect it will continue to pursue foreign policies that will at times be sharply at odds with American interests. '''I do not expect the changes I am announcing today to bring about a transformation of Cuban society overnight. But I am convinced that through a policy of engagement, we can more effectively stand up for our values and help the Cuban people help themselves as they move into the 21st century.''' * '''To those who oppose the steps I’m announcing today, let me say that I respect your passion and share your commitment to liberty and democracy. The question is how we uphold that commitment. I do not believe we can keep doing the same thing for over five decades and expect a different result. Moreover, it does not serve America’s interests, or the Cuban people, to try to push Cuba toward collapse. Even if that worked — and it hasn’t for 50 years — we know from hard-earned experience that countries are more likely to enjoy lasting transformation if their people are not subjected to chaos. We are calling on Cuba to unleash the potential of 11 million Cubans by ending unnecessary restrictions on their political, social, and economic activities. In that spirit, we should not allow U.S. sanctions to add to the burden of Cuban citizens that we seek to help.''' * '''To the Cuban people, America extends a hand of friendship.''' Some of you have looked to us as a source of hope, and we will continue to shine a light of freedom. Others have seen us as a former colonizer intent on controlling your future. '''[[José Martí]] once said, “Liberty is the right of every man to be honest.” Today, I am being honest with you. We can never erase the history between us, but we believe that you should be empowered to live with dignity and self-determination. Cubans have a saying about daily life: “No es facil” –- it’s not easy. Today, the United States wants to be a partner in making the lives of ordinary Cubans a little bit easier, more free, more prosperous.''' <br /> To those who have supported these measures, I thank you for being partners in our efforts. '''In particular, I want to thank His Holiness [[Pope Francis]], whose moral example shows us the importance of pursuing the world as it should be, rather than simply settling for the world as it is'''; the government of [[Canada]], which hosted our discussions with the Cuban government; and a bipartisan group of congressmen who have worked tirelessly for Alan Gross’s release, and for a new approach to advancing our interests and values in Cuba. * '''Let us leave behind the legacy of both colonization and communism, the tyranny of drug cartels, dictators and sham elections. A future of greater peace, security and democratic development is possible if we work together -- not to maintain power, not to secure vested interest, but instead to advance the dreams of our citizens.''' * My fellow Americans, the city of Miami is only 200 miles or so from Havana. Countless thousands of Cubans have come to Miami -- on planes and makeshift rafts; some with little but the shirt on their back and hope in their hearts. Today, Miami is often referred to as the capital of Latin America. But it is also a profoundly American city -– a place that reminds us that '''ideals matter more than the color of our skin, or the circumstances of our birth'''; a demonstration of what the Cuban people can achieve, and the openness of the United States to our family to the South. Todos somos Americanos. * '''Change is hard –- in our own lives, and in the lives of nations. And change is even harder when we carry the heavy weight of history on our shoulders. But today we are making these changes because it is the right thing to do. Today, America chooses to cut loose the shackles of the past so as to reach for a better future –- for the Cuban people, for the American people, for our entire hemisphere, and for the world.''' === 2015 === [[File:Artists-impressions-of-Lady-Justice, (statue on the Old Bailey, London).png|thumb|Justice is not only the absence of oppression, it is the presence of opportunity.]] [[File:An audience member records video as President Barack Obama delivers remarks before presenting a Medal of Honor to U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Ty Michael Carter during a ceremony at the White House in Washington, D.C 130826-A-AJ780-002.jpg|thumb|A free press helps make a nation stronger and more successful, and it makes [...] leaders more effective because it demands greater accountability.]] [[File:EqualJusticeUnderLaw.jpg|thumb|I believe in the principle of treating people equally under the law, and that they are deserving of equal protection under the law and that the state should not discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation.]] [[File:JimCrowInDurhamNC.jpg|thumb|If you look at the history of countries around the world, when you start treating people differently -- not because of any harm they’re doing anybody, but because they’re different -- that’s the path whereby freedoms begin to erode and bad things happen. And when a government gets in the habit of treating people differently, those habits can spread.]] [[File:West Hartford, Connecticut health care reform town hall meeting, 2009-09-02.jpg|thumb|Democracy does not stop on Election Day. For a real democracy to work, and for a society to thrive and continually improve, it requires that people continue to participate. And there have to be laws in place to protect that space and facilitate people’s ability to participate.]] [[File:SF Soldier in Philippines.jpg|thumb|You can't just fight terrorism through military and the police. You also have to change people’s hearts and minds, and give them a sense that they’re included in the society and enlist them in assisting in fighting against terrorism.]] [[File:Apotheosis.jpg|thumb|The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences.]] * It's time to close Gitmo. ** [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/01/20/remarks-president-state-union-address-january-20-2015 Remarks by the President in State of the Union Address (January 20, 2015)] * It is entirely legitimate for the American people to be deeply concerned when you’ve got a bunch of violent, vicious zealots who behead people or '''randomly shoot a bunch of folks''' in a deli in Paris. ** As [http://www.vox.com/a/barack-obama-interview-vox-conversation/obama-foreign-policy-transcript reported] by Vox; [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2015/feb/10/obama-outrages-by-calling-4-jewish-victims-of-pari/ "Obama outrages by calling 4 Jewish victims of Paris terror 'a bunch of folks' shot randomly", by Cheryl K. Chumley, ''The Washington Times'' (10 February 2015)] * No religion is responsible for terrorism — people are responsible for violence and terrorism. ** At the [http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2015/02/18/obama-white-house-summit-on-countering-violent-extremism-speech/23631625/ White House Summit on Countering Violent Extremism] (18 February 2015) * Today is a chance for Americans, especially our young people, to say thank you for all the things we love from Japan. Like karate and karaoke. Manga and anime. And, of course, emojis. ** As quoted in [http://comicbook.com/2015/04/29/president-barack-obama-thanks-japan-for-anime-and-manga/ Comicbook.com] (2015/04/29) * We do know that once again innocent people were killed in part because someone who wanted to inflict harm had no trouble getting their hands on a gun. ** [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-politics/wp/2015/06/18/president-obama-calls-charleston-shooting-senseless-criticizes-gun-laws/ "President Obama calls Charleston shooting 'senseless,' criticizes gun laws"] by Jose A. DelReal and Juliet Eilperin, ''The Washington Post'' (18 June 2015) * Today is a big step in our march toward equality. Gay and lesbian couples now have the right to marry, just like anyone else. #LoveWins. ** [https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/614435467120001024 President Barack Obama on Twitter at June 26, 2015] * But the fall of Ramadi has galvanized the Iraqi government. So, with the additional steps I ordered last month, we’re speeding up training of ISIL forces, including volunteers from Sunni tribes in Anbar Province. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/06/remarks-president-progress-fight-against-isil Obama's White House speech, Later the White House corrected Obama's slip by replacling 'ISIL' by 'Iraqi'] *** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2NkjNvwuaU YouTube video] * What the marchers on Washington knew, what the marchers in Selma knew, what folks like Julian Bond knew, what the marchers in this room still know, is that '''justice is not only the absence of oppression, it is the presence of opportunity.''' Justice is giving every child a shot at a great education no matter what zip code they’re born into. Justice is giving everyone willing to work hard the chance at a good job with good wages, no matter what their name is, what their skin color is, where they live. '''Justice is living up to the common creed that says, I am my brother’s keeper and my sister’s keeper. Justice is making sure every young person knows they are special and they are important and that their lives matter -- not because they heard it in a hashtag, but because of the love they feel every single day not just love from their parents, not just love from their neighborhood, but love from police, love from politicians. Love from somebody who lives on the other side of the country, but says, that young person is still important to me. That’s what justice is.''' ** Remarks by the President at the NAACP Conference at Pennsylvania Convention Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania (July 14, 2015) * We are joined today by inspiring entrepreneurs from more than 120 countries and many from across Africa. And all of you embody a spirit that we need to take on some of the biggest challenges that we face in the world -- '''the spirit of entrepreneurship, the idea that there are no limits to the human imagination; that ingenuity can overcome what is and create what needs to be.''' And everywhere I go, across the United States and around the world, I hear from people, but especially young people, who are ready to start something of their own -- '''to lift up people’s lives and shape their own destinies. And that’s entrepreneurship. Entrepreneurship creates new jobs and new businesses, new ways to deliver basic services, new ways of seeing the world -- it’s the spark of prosperity. It helps citizens stand up for their rights and push back against corruption. Entrepreneurship offers a positive alternative to the ideologies of violence and division that can all too often fill the void when young people don’t see a future for themselves. Entrepreneurship means ownership and self-determination, as opposed to simply being dependent on somebody else for your livelihood and your future. Entrepreneurship brings down barriers between communities and cultures and builds bridges that help us take on common challenges together. Because one thing that entrepreneurs understand is, is that you don't have to look a certain way, or be of a certain faith, or have a certain last name in order to have a good idea.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-global-entrepreneurship-summit Remarks by President Obama at the Global Entrepreneurship Summit at United Nations Compound in Nairobi, Kenya (July 25, 2015)] * And as I’ve said elsewhere, '''a free press helps make a nation stronger and more successful, and it makes''' us '''leaders more effective because it demands greater accountability.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-and-president-kenyatta-kenya-press-conference Remarks by President Obama and President Kenyatta of Kenya in a Press Conference at Kenyan State House in Nairobi, Kenya (July 25, 2015)] * '''I believe in the principle of treating people equally under the law, and that they are deserving of equal protection under the law and that the state should not discriminate against people based on their sexual orientation.''' And I say that, recognizing that there may be people who have different religious or cultural beliefs. But '''the issue is how does the state operate relative to people. If you look at the history of countries around the world, when you start treating people differently -- not because of any harm they’re doing anybody, but because they’re different -- that’s the path whereby freedoms begin to erode and bad things happen. And when a government gets in the habit of treating people differently, those habits can spread.''' And as an African-American in the United States, I am painfully aware of the history of what happens when people are treated differently, under the law, and there were all sorts of rationalizations that were provided by the power structure for decades in the United States for segregation and Jim Crow and slavery, and they were wrong. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-and-president-kenyatta-kenya-press-conference Remarks by President Obama and President Kenyatta of Kenya in a Press Conference at Kenyan State House in Nairobi, Kenya] (July 25, 2015) * So '''I’m unequivocal on this. If somebody is a law-abiding citizen who is going about their business, and working in a job, an obeying the traffic signs and doing all the other things that good citizens are supposed to do, and not harming anybody -- the idea that they are going to be treated differently or abused because of who they love is wrong. Full stop. And the state does not need to weigh in on religious doctrine. The state just has to say we’re going to treat everybody equally under the law. And then everybody else can have their own opinions.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/25/remarks-president-obama-and-president-kenyatta-kenya-press-conference Remarks by President Obama and President Kenyatta of Kenya in a Press Conference at Kenyan State House in Nairobi, Kenya] (July 25, 2015) * And this is something that I emphasize wherever I go -- '''democracy does not stop on Election Day. For a real democracy to work, and for a society to thrive and continually improve, it requires that people continue to participate. And there have to be laws in place to protect that space and facilitate people’s ability to participate.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-conversation-members-civil-society Remarks by President Obama in Conversation with Members of Civil Society at YALI Regional Leadership Center, Kenyatta University,Nairobi, Kenya] (July 26, 2015) * And '''one of the rules of good civil society''' I believe '''is that you’re respectful of the people who disagree with you. And that's part of what makes civil society work. If you can have civil disagreements, and you can listen to each other and not just shout, that's what creates an environment that leads to progress over the long term.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-conversation-members-civil-society Remarks by President Obama in Conversation with Members of Civil Society at YALI Regional Leadership Center, Kenyatta University,Nairobi, Kenya] (July 26, 2015) ** But as I said in the press conference yesterday, one of the important lessons that we've learned is that '''you can't just fight terrorism through military and the police. You also have to change people’s hearts and minds, and give them a sense that they’re included in the society and enlist them in assisting in fighting against terrorism.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-conversation-members-civil-society Remarks by President Obama in Conversation with Members of Civil Society at YALI Regional Leadership Center, Kenyatta University,Nairobi, Kenya] (July 26, 2015) * '''The only certainty in war is human suffering, uncertain costs, unintended consequences.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C. (August 05, 2015)] * But how can we in good conscience justify war before we’ve tested a diplomatic agreement that achieves our objectives; that has been agreed to by Iran; that is supported by the rest of the world; and that preserves our options if the deal falls short? How could we justify that to our troops? How could we justify that to the world or to future generations? '''In the end, that should be a lesson that we’ve learned from over a decade of war. On the front end, ask tough questions. Subject our own assumptions to evidence and analysis. Resist the conventional wisdom and the drumbeat of war. Worry less about being labeled weak; worry more about getting it right.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/05/remarks-president-iran-nuclear-deal Remarks by the President on the Iran Nuclear Deal at American University in Washington, D.C. (August 05, 2015)] * Cool clock, [[w:Ahmed Mohamed (student)|Ahmed]]. Want to bring it to the White House? We should inspire more kids like you to like science. It's what makes America great. ** [https://twitter.com/POTUS/status/644193755814342656 President Barack Obama on Twitter at September 16, 2015] * I've said this before and I will keep repeating it -- '''one of the best indicators of whether a country will succeed is how it treats its women. When women have an education, when women have a job, their children are more likely to get an education, their families are healthier and more prosperous. Their communities and countries do better, as well. So every nation -- all of our nations -- must invest in the education and health and skills of our women and girls.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/27/remarks-president-sustainable-development-goals Remarks by the President on Sustainable Development Goals at United Nations General Assembly Hall in New York, New York (September 27, 2015)] * We're also increasing the number of Syrian and other refugees we admit to the U.S. to 100,000 per year for the next two years. ** [https://twitter.com/potus/status/648543139196743680 President Barack Obama on Twitter at September 28, 2015] * Most of the time I got a ticket, I deserved it. I knew why I was pulled over. But there were times when I didn’t. The data shows that this is not an aberration. It doesn’t mean each case is a problem. It means that when you aggregate all the cases and you look at it, you’ve gotta say that there’s some racial bias in the system. ** [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/obama-racial-profiling_us_562fde34e4b00aa54a4ba5f2 Obama Racial Profiling (10-27-2015)] * We’ve got to resist the false trap that says either there should be no accountability for police or that every police officer is suspect no matter what they do. * I refuse to accept the notion that we couldn’t have prevented some of those murders, and suicides, and kept more families whole. I know we won’t all agree on this issue. But it’s time to be honest — fewer gun safety laws don’t mean more freedom, they mean more fallen officers. They mean more grieving families, and more Americans terrified that they or their loved ones could be next. ** [http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/obama-police-chiefs_us_562fa716e4b06317990f8af3?654mfgvi= Obama Police Chiefs (10-27-2015)] * Part of our job, together, is to work to reject such extremism that infects too many of our young people. Part of that effort must be a continued rejection by Muslims of those who distort Islam to preach intolerance and promote violence, and it must also a rejection by non-Muslims of the ignorance that equates Islam with terror. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/28/remarks-president-obama-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama to the United Nations General Assembly] (September 28, 2015) * I don’t think they’re gaining strength, what is true is that from the start, our goal has been first to contain and we have contained them. They have not gained ground in Iraq, and in Syria, they’ll come in, they’ll leave. But you don’t see this systematic march by ISIL across the terrain. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xS3jady8bIc ABC News, when George Stephanopoulos suggested ISIL is gaining strength, hours before Paris attacks] (13 November 2015) * Once again, we've seen an outrageous attempt to terrorize innocent civilians. This is an attack not just on Paris, it's an attack not just on the people of France, but this is an attack on all of humanity and the universal values that we share. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/13/statement-president-situation-paris Statement by the President on the Situation in Paris] (November 13, 2015) * I don't want to speculate at this point in terms of who was responsible for this. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/13/statement-president-situation-paris Statement by the President on the Situation in Paris] (November 13, 2015) *The reason is not simply because of my opinion of him. It is because it is unimaginable that you can stop the civil war there when the overwhelming majority of people in Syria consider him to be a brutal, murderous dictator. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/19/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-trudeau-canada-after Obama suggesting Bashar al-Assad must leave office to end the Syrian Civil War] (19 November 2015) * But I do believe that '''there are basic values that we all share.''' And '''one of those values is that countries work best when everybody has a voice that can be respected, and that the press is able to report on what is happening in current affairs, and people can organize politically peacefully to try to bring about change, and that there's transparency and accountability. And when you look at which countries have done best in terms of development, typically over time, those countries that have some accountability and some measure of personal freedom tend to do better. And those countries that don't, have more problems.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/20/remarks-president-yseali-town-hall Remarks by the President in YSEALI Town Hall at Taylor's University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (November 20, 2015)] * I think '''the most important thing for young people is that they're not trapped in the past. And human progress is driven by looking at a problem with fresh eyes, with new eyes. [...] And that's the power of young people, is asking why.'''  Little kids, they naturally do that, right? When you talk to a four-year-old or a five-year-old, six-year-old, you tell them to do something -- "Why?" "Why?" And sometimes, as parents, we try to say, "because I told you so." And we don't want to talk about it, right? But '''that impulse to ask why is actually what drives human progress. [...] Vision is important, but then you also have to have the persistence to keep working to make progress. And I always tell young people to have big dreams, but then also be willing to work for those dreams. It's not going to come right away.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/20/remarks-president-yseali-town-hall Remarks by the President in YSEALI Town Hall at Taylor's University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (November 20, 2015)] * And I think t'''he job of a leader is not to try to do everything yourself, but it's to try to organize people, each of whom have different talents and skills. Make sure that they are joined in a common vision about what needs to get done, but then go ahead and let them -- give them the tools so that they can do what they need to do.''' [...] Very few things, great things are done by yourself. Maybe if you're a Picasso or Mozart you can go off into a room and you can produce great things. '''But most great accomplishments, human accomplishments, they're done as a group. And you're job as a leader then, is to be able to assemble to bring together people in a common vision.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/20/remarks-president-yseali-town-hall Remarks by the President in YSEALI Town Hall at Taylor's University in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia (November 20, 2015)] * Next week, I will be joining President [[François Hollande|Hollande]] and world leaders in Paris for the global climate conference. What a powerful rebuke to the terrorists it will be when the world stands as one and shows that we will not be deterred from building a better future for our children. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/24/remarks-president-obama-and-president-hollande-france-joint-press Remarks by President Obama and President Hollande of France in Joint Press Conference] (November 24, 2015) * Turkey, like every country, has a right to defend its territory and its airspace. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/11/24/remarks-president-obama-and-president-hollande-france-joint-press Remarks by President Obama and President Hollande of France in Joint Press Conference] (November 24, 2015) * This [mass shootings] just doesn't happen in other countries. ** [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-speaking-in-paris-mass-shootings-dont-happen-in-other-countries/ Obama Speaking in Paris: Mass Shootings 'Don't Happen in Other Countries'] by Alex Griswold, ''mediaite.com'' (1 December 2015) * OK, everybody, I got to get to ''[[Star Wars: The Force Awakens|Star Wars]]''. ** [http://thehill.com/blogs/in-the-know/in-the-know/263757-obama-cuts-off-press-conference-to-go-see-star-wars "Obama cuts off press conference to go see 'Star Wars'"], ''The Hill'' (18 December 2015) ==== State of the Union Address (January 2015) ==== [[File:President Obama delivers the State of the Union address Jan. 20, 2015.jpg|thumb|A better politics is one where we appeal to each other’s basic decency instead of our basest fears. A better politics is one where we debate without demonizing each other; where we talk issues and values, and principles and facts, rather than “gotcha” moments, or trivial gaffes, or fake controversies that have nothing to do with people’s daily lives.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/01/20/remarks-president-state-union-address-january-20-2015 Remarks by the President in State of the Union Address at U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C. (January 20, 2015)]</small> * The shadow of crisis has passed, and the State of the Union is strong. * We are a strong, tight-knit family who has made it through some very, very hard times. * Middle-class economics works. Expanding opportunity works. And these policies will continue to work as long as politics don’t get in the way. We can’t slow down businesses or put our economy at risk with government shutdowns or fiscal showdowns. We can’t put the security of families at risk by taking away their health insurance, or unraveling the new rules on Wall Street, or refighting past battles on immigration when we’ve got to fix a broken system. * And in fact, at every moment of economic change throughout our history, this country has taken bold action to adapt to new circumstances and to make sure everyone gets a fair shot. We set up worker protections, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid to protect ourselves from the harshest adversity. We gave our citizens schools and colleges, infrastructure and the Internet -- tools they needed to go as far as their effort and their dreams will take them. That’s what middle-class economics is -- the idea that '''this country does best when everyone gets their fair shot, everyone does their fair share, everyone plays by the same set of rules. We don’t just want everyone to share in America’s success, we want everyone to contribute to our success.''' * '''When we make rash decisions, reacting to the headlines instead of using our heads; when the first response to a challenge is to send in our military -- then we risk getting drawn into unnecessary conflicts, and neglect the broader strategy we need for a safer, more prosperous world. That’s what our enemies want us to do.''' I believe in a smarter kind of American leadership. '''We lead best when we combine military power with strong diplomacy; when we leverage our power with coalition building; when we don’t let our fears blind us to the opportunities that this new century presents.''' That’s exactly what we’re doing right now. And around the globe, it is making a difference. [...] '''That’s how America leads -- not with bluster, but with persistent, steady resolve.''' * '''Looking to the future instead of the past. Making sure we match our power with diplomacy, and use force wisely. Building coalitions to meet new challenges and opportunities. Leading -- always -- with the example of our values. That’s what makes us exceptional. That’s what keeps us strong. That’s why we have to keep striving to hold ourselves to the highest of standards -- our own.''' * '''A better politics is one where we appeal to each other’s basic decency instead of our basest fears. A better politics is one where we debate without demonizing each other; where we talk issues and values, and principles and facts, rather than “gotcha” moments, or trivial gaffes, or fake controversies that have nothing to do with people’s daily lives. A politics -- a better politics is one where we spend less time drowning in dark money for ads that pull us into the gutter, and spend more time lifting young people up with a sense of purpose and possibility, asking them to join in the great mission of building America. If we’re going to have arguments, let’s have arguments, but let’s make them debates worthy of this body and worthy of this country.''' * Because I want this chamber, I want this city to reflect the truth -- that '''for all our blind spots and shortcomings, we are a people with the strength and generosity of spirit to bridge divides, to unite in common effort, to help our neighbors, whether down the street or on the other side of the world.''' I want our actions to tell every child in every neighborhood, your life matters, and we are committed to improving your life chances as committed as we are to working on behalf of our own kids. I want future generations to know that '''we are a people who see our differences as a great gift, that we’re a people who value the dignity and worth of every citizen -- man and woman, young and old, black and white, Latino, Asian, immigrant, Native American, gay, straight, Americans with mental illness or physical disability. Everybody matters.''' I want them to grow up in a country that shows the world what we still know to be true: that '''we are still more than a collection of red states and blue states; that we are the United States of America.''' * 2014 was the planet’s warmest year on record. Now, one year doesn’t make a trend, but this does: 14 of the 15 warmest years on record have all fallen in the first 15 years of this century. * You know, just over a decade ago, I gave a speech in Boston where I said there wasn’t a liberal America or a conservative America; a black America or a white America -- but a United States of America. ====Address to the People of India (January 2015)==== [[File:Obamas with children at U.S. embassy in Berlin, 2013.jpg|thumb|We may have our different histories and speak different languages, but when we look at each other, we see a reflection of ourselves.]] [[File:President Obama delivers remarks on India and America at the Siri Fort Auditorium in New Delhi (1).jpg|thumb|Progress ultimately depends on something more basic, and that is how we see each other. And we know from experience what makes nations strong. [...] We are strongest when we see the inherent dignity in every human being.]] [[File:SoulCarriedtoHeaven.jpg|thumb|The peace we seek in the world begins in human hearts. And it finds its glorious expression when we look beyond any differences in religion or tribe, and rejoice in the beauty of every soul.]] [[File:President Barack Obama and Prime Minister Narendra Modi have tea in the garden gazebo at Hyderabad House in New Delhi.jpg|thumb|Freedom of religion [...] upholding this fundamental freedom is the responsibility of government, but it's also the responsibility of every person. [...] every person has the right to practice their faith how they choose, or to practice no faith at all, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.]] :<small>[[s:Remarks by Barack Obama in Address to the People of India|Remarks by Barack Obama]] [http://www.latimes.com/world/asia/la-fg-obama-india-20150127-story.html in Address] [http://www.huffingtonpost.in/2015/01/27/barack-obama-america-indi_n_6552220.html to the] [http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/india/India-will-succeed-so-long-as-it-is-not-splintered-on-sectarian-lines-Obama/articleshow/46035844.cms People of] [http://www.firstpost.com/india/obama-pitches-for-religious-freedom-in-india-amid-rise-of-ghar-wapsi-2066247.html India] ([http://edition.cnn.com/2015/01/27/politics/obama-india-visit/ January 27, 2015])</small> * ''[[w:Namaste|Namaste]]!'' * So today, let me say: Sisters and brothers of [[India]] — my confidence in what our nations can achieve together is rooted in the values we share. For '''we may have our different histories and speak different languages, but when we look at each other, we see a reflection of ourselves.''' * We’ll continue to help India deal with the impacts of climate change -- because you shouldn’t have to bear that burden alone. As we keep working for a strong global agreement on climate change, '''it's young people like you who have to speak up, so we can protect this planet for your generation. I'll be gone when the worst effects happen. It's your generation and your children that are going to be impacted.''' * Because in big and diverse societies like ours, '''progress ultimately depends on something more basic, and that is how we see each other. And we know from experience what makes nations strong.''' And Neha I think did a great job of describing the essence of what’s important here. '''We are strongest when we see the inherent dignity in every human being.''' * The point is, is that '''the aim of our work must be not to just have a few do well, but to have everybody have a chance, everybody who is willing to work for it have the ability to dream big and then reach those dreams.''' * '''Our nations are strongest when we uphold the equality of all our people -- and that includes our women.''' Now, you may have noticed, I’m married to a very strong and talented woman. Michelle is not afraid to speak her mind, or tell me when I’m wrong -- which happens frequently. And we have two beautiful daughters, so I’m surrounded by smart, strong women. And in raising our girls, we’ve tried to '''instill in them basic values -- a sense of compassion for others, and respect for themselves, and the confidence that they can go as far as their imaginations and abilities will carry them.''' [...] We know from experience that '''nations are more successful when their women are successful. When girls go to school -- this is one of the most direct measures of whether a nation is going to develop effectively is how it treats its women. When a girl goes to school, it doesn’t just open up her young mind, it benefits all of us -- because maybe someday she’ll start her own business, or invent a new technology, or cure a disease. And when women are able to work, families are healthier, and communities are wealthier, and entire countries are more prosperous. And when young women are educated, then their children are going to be well educated and have more opportunity. So if nations really want to succeed in today’s global economy, they can’t simply ignore the talents of half their people. And as husbands and fathers and brothers, we have to step up -- because every girl’s life matters. Every daughter deserves the same chance as our sons. Every woman should be able to go about her day -- to walk the streets or ride the bus -- and be safe, and be treated with respect and dignity. She deserves that.''' * Our '''nations are strongest when we see that we are all God’s children -- all equal in His eyes and worthy of His love.''' Across our two great countries we have Hindus and Muslims, Christians and Sikhs, and Jews and Buddhists and Jains and so many faiths. And we remember the wisdom of [[Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhiji]], who said, “for me, the different religions are beautiful flowers from the same garden, or they are branches of the same majestic tree.” Branches of the same majestic tree. Our '''freedom of religion''' is written into our founding documents. It’s part of America’s very first amendment. Your Article 25 says that all people are “equally entitled to freedom of conscience and the right freely to profess, practice and propagate religion.” In both our countries -- in all countries -- '''upholding this fundamental freedom is the responsibility of government, but it's also the responsibility of every person.''' * In our lives, Michelle and I have been strengthened by our Christian faith. But there have been times where my faith has been questioned – by people who don't know me – or they've said that I adhere to a different religion, as if that were somehow a bad thing. * '''No society is immune from the darkest impulses of man. And too often religion has been used to tap into those darker impulses as opposed to the light of God.''' Three years ago in our state of Wisconsin, back in the United States, a man went to a Sikh temple and, in a terrible act of violence, killed six innocent people -- Americans and Indians. And in that moment of shared grief, our two countries reaffirmed a basic truth, as we must again today -- that '''every person has the right to practice their faith how they choose, or to practice no faith at all, and to do so free of persecution and fear and discrimination.''' * '''The peace we seek in the world begins in human hearts. And it finds its glorious expression when we look beyond any differences in religion or tribe, and rejoice in the beauty of every soul. [...] Do we act with compassion and empathy. [...] we have to guard against any efforts to divide ourselves along sectarian lines or any other lines.''' * And, finally, our '''nations are strongest when we empower our young people –- because ultimately, you're the one who has to break down these old stereotypes and these old barriers, these old ways of thinking. Prejudices and stereotypes and assumptions -- those are what happens to old minds''' like mine. I'm getting gray hair now. I was more youthful when I first started this office. And '''that’s why young people are so important in these efforts.''' * ''[[w:Jai Hind|Jai Hind]]!'' ==== Bloody Sunday Speech (March 2015) ==== [[File:A solar halo illuminates the sky over an American flag flying outside Building 1 at Eglin Air Force Base, Fla., in the early afternoon Nov. 12, 2013 131112-F-OC707-021.jpg|thumb|Our work is never done. The American experiment in self-government gives work and purpose to each generation.]] [[File:Artists-impressions-of-Lady-Justice, (statue on the Old Bailey, London).png|thumb|Action requires that we shed our cynicism. For when it comes to the pursuit of justice, we can afford neither complacency nor despair.]] [[File:Election MG 3455.JPG|thumb|What’s our excuse today for not voting? How do we so casually discard the right for which so many fought? How do we so fully give away our power, our voice, in shaping America’s future?]] [[File:Barack Obama speaks in New Orleans, 7 February 2008.jpg|thumb|The single-most powerful word in our democracy is the word “We.” “We The People.” “We Shall Overcome.” “Yes We Can.” That word is owned by no one. It belongs to everyone.]] :<small>Remarks by the President at the 50th Anniversary of the Selma to Montgomery Marches at Edmund Pettus Bridge in Selma, Alabama (March 7, 2015)</small> * What could more profoundly vindicate the idea of America than plain and humble people –- unsung, the downtrodden, the dreamers not of high station, not born to wealth or privilege, not of one religious tradition but many, coming together to shape their country’s course? What greater expression of faith in the American experiment than this, what greater form of patriotism is there than the belief that America is not yet finished, that we are strong enough to be self-critical, that each successive generation can look upon our imperfections and decide that it is in our power to remake this nation to more closely align with our highest ideals? That’s why '''Selma is not some outlier in the American experience.''' That’s why '''it’s not a museum or a static monument to behold from a distance. It is instead the manifestation of a creed written into our founding documents: “We the People…in order to form a more perfect union.” “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” These are not just words. They’re a living thing, a call to action, a roadmap for citizenship and an insistence in the capacity of free men and women to shape our own destiny. [...] These are not just words. They’re a living thing, a call to action, a roadmap for citizenship and an insistence in the capacity of free men and women to shape our own destiny.''' * If Selma taught us anything, it’s that '''our work is never done. The American experiment in self-government gives work and purpose to each generation.''' * Selma teaches us, as well, that '''action requires that we shed our cynicism. For when it comes to the pursuit of justice, we can afford neither complacency nor despair.''' * '''There’s nothing America can’t handle if we actually look squarely at the problem. And this is work for all Americans, not just some. Not just whites. Not just blacks. If we want to honor the courage of those who marched that day, then all of us are called to possess their moral imagination. All of us will need to feel as they did the fierce urgency of now. All of us need to recognize as they did that change depends on our actions, on our attitudes, the things we teach our children. And if we make such an effort, no matter how hard it may sometimes seem, laws can be passed, and consciences can be stirred, and consensus can be built.''' * '''With effort, we can roll back poverty and the roadblocks to opportunity. Americans don’t accept a free ride for anybody, nor do we believe in equality of outcomes. But we do expect equal opportunity.''' And if we really mean it, if we’re not just giving lip service to it, but if we really mean it and are willing to sacrifice for it, then, yes, '''we can make sure every child gets an education suitable to this new century, one that expands imaginations and lifts sights and gives those children the skills they need. We can make sure every person willing to work has the dignity of a job, and a fair wage, and a real voice, and sturdier rungs on that ladder into the middle class. And with effort, we can protect the foundation stone of our democracy for which so many marched across this bridge –- and that is the right to vote.''' * '''What’s our excuse today for not voting? How do we so casually discard the right for which so many fought? How do we so fully give away our power, our voice, in shaping America’s future? Why are we pointing to somebody else when we could take the time just to go to the polling places? We give away our power.''' * '''We respect the past, but we don’t pine for the past. We don’t fear the future; we grab for it.''' America is not some fragile thing. We are large, in the words of [[Walt Whitman|Whitman]], containing multitudes. '''We are boisterous and diverse and full of energy, perpetually young in spirit.''' That’s why someone like [[John Lewis (politician)|John Lewis]] at the ripe old age of 25 could lead a mighty march. '''And that’s what the young people here today and listening all across the country must take away from this day. You are America. Unconstrained by habit and convention. Unencumbered by what is, because you’re ready to seize what ought to be. For everywhere in this country, there are first steps to be taken, there’s new ground to cover, there are more bridges to be crossed. And it is you, the young and fearless at heart,''' the most diverse and educated generation in our history, '''who the nation is waiting to follow.''' * Because '''Selma shows us that America is not the project of any one person. Because the single-most powerful word in our democracy is the word “We.” “We The People.” “We Shall Overcome.” “Yes We Can.” That word is owned by no one. It belongs to everyone.''' ==== Town Hall meeting with Young Leaders of the Americas (April 2015) ==== [[File:Blue Marble Western Hemisphere.jpg|thumb|Engagement is a more powerful force than isolation.]] [[File:Obama at American University.jpg|thumb|With hard work and with hope, change is always within our reach.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/04/09/remarks-president-obama-town-hall-young-leaders-americas Remarks by President Obama in Town Hall with Young Leaders of the Americas at University of the West Indies in Kingston, Jamaica (April 9, 2015)]</small> * But I believe that '''engagement is a more powerful force than isolation''', and the changes we are making can help improve the lives of the Cuban people. * And that impulse to make the world better, to push back on those who try to make it worse, that’s something that your generation has to hold on to. And you have to remember, it’s never easy; there are no days off. But if there’s one thing that I know from my own life, it’s that '''with hard work and with hope, change is always within our reach.''' * But I do believe '''there are certain principles that are universal.''' I think that '''all people want basic dignity and want basic freedom, and want to be able to worship as they please without being discriminated against, or they should be able to speak their mind about an important issue pertaining to their community without being arrested.''' * More broadly, I think that the -- '''if you look at some of the most successful countries in the world, they’re actually pretty small countries -- like Singapore, for example -- that on paper look like they have no assets, and yet, if you go to Singapore, it has one of the highest standards of living in the world. What is it that Singapore did that might be replicable? Well, one of the most important things they did was they made an enormous investment in their people. And if you’ve got a highly skilled, highly educated workforce, if you’ve set up rules of law and governance that are transparent and non-corrupt, then you can attract actually a lot of service industries to supplement the tourist industry, because people would want to locate in your country. You could envision people wanting to operate and have offices there where you’ve got a trained workforce. And these days, so many businesses are operating over the Internet that if you’ve got a really skilled workforce that provides value added, you will attract companies and you’ll attract businesses.''' * '''What deters people from investing in most countries is conflict, corruption, and a lack of skills or infrastructure. And those countries that are able to address those problems have rule of law and eliminate corruption. Make sure that you are investing in the education of your people and it’s a continuous education; it doesn’t just stop at the lower grades, but you give people constant opportunities to upgrade their skills. You have a decent infrastructure -- you’re going to be able to succeed. That’s the recipe, the formula for a 21st-century economy.''' * Because what it turns out is, is that if a -- '''the best way for a country to reduce its debt is to grow really fast, and to generate more income.''' * And I think '''the question that the people''' of Jamaica, just like the people of the United States and '''everywhere''' else, '''should be asking is: If the government is spending money right now, is it on something that is going to help create long-term growth and help people succeed? If the answer is no, you shouldn’t spend that money. Spending money just for the sake of spending money is not -- that’s not the formula for success. But if the money is being spent on what we talked about -- early childhood education; if it’s being spent on infrastructure; if it’s being spent on research; if it’s being spent on building skills for workers -- those are good investments.''' ==== Remarks at Panama Civil Society Forum (April 2015) ==== [[File:Angel de la Independencia Mexico City.jpg|thumb|Strong, successful countries require strong and vibrant civil societies.]] [[File:Earth-DSCOVR-20150706-IFV.jpg|thumb|Civil society is the conscience of our countries. It’s the catalyst of change. It’s why strong nations don’t fear active citizens. Strong nations embrace and support and empower active citizens.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/04/10/remarks-president-obama-civil-society-forum Remarks by President Obama at the Panama Civil Society Forum at Hotel El Panama, Panama City, Panama (April 10, 2015)]</small> * We believe that '''strong, successful countries require strong and vibrant civil societies.''' We know that '''throughout our history, human progress has been propelled not just by famous leaders, not just by states, but by ordinary men and women who believe that change is possible; by citizens who are willing to stand up against incredible odds and great danger not only to protect their own rights, but to extend rights to others.''' * '''It's the dreamers -- no matter how humble or poor or seemingly powerless -- that are able to change the course of human events.''' We saw it in South Africa, where citizens stood up to the scourge of [[w:Apartheid|apartheid]]. We saw it in Europe, where Poles marched in [[w:Solidarity (Polish trade union)|Solidarity]] to help bring down the [[w:Iron Curtain|Iron Curtain]]. In Argentina, where mothers of the disappeared spoke out against the [[w:Dirty War|Dirty War]]. It’s the story of my country, where citizens worked to abolish [[w:Slavery in the United States|slavery]], and establish women’s rights and workers’ rights, and rights for gays and lesbians. * So '''civil society is the conscience of our countries. It’s the catalyst of change. It’s why strong nations don’t fear active citizens. Strong nations embrace and support and empower active citizens.''' * We also know that our '''support for civil society is not just about what we’re against, but also what we’re for.''' Because we’ve noticed that '''governments that are more responsive and effective are typically governments where the people are free to assemble, and speak their minds, and petition their leaders, and hold us accountable.''' * We know that our '''economies attract more trade and investment when citizens are free to start a new business without paying a bribe.''' We know that our '''societies are more likely to succeed when all our people -- regardless of color, or class, or creed, or sexual orientation, or gender -- are free to live and pray and love as they choose.''' [...] And, increasingly, '''civil society is a source of ideas -- about everything from promoting transparency and free expression, to reversing inequality and rescuing our environment.''' ==== Supreme Court Decision on Marriage Equality (June 2015) ==== [[File:Robert_Kennedy_Memorial.jpg|thumb|Small actions can be like pebbles being thrown into a still lake, and ripples of hope cascade outwards and change the world.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/26/remarks-president-eulogy-honorable-reverend-clementa-pinckney Remarks by the President on the Supreme Court Decision on Marriage Equality at the White House Rose Garden, Washington, District of Columbia, USA (June 26, 2015)]</small> * '''Our nation was founded on a bedrock principle that [[United States Declaration of Independence|we are all created equal]]. The project of each generation is to bridge the meaning of those founding words with the realities of changing times -- a never-ending quest to ensure those words ring true for every single American. Progress on this journey often comes in small increments, sometimes two steps forward, one step back, propelled by the persistent effort of dedicated citizens. And then sometimes, there are days like this when that slow, steady effort is rewarded with justice that arrives like a thunderbolt.''' * '''This morning, [[w:Obergefell v. Hodges|the Supreme Court recognized that the Constitution guarantees marriage equality]]. In doing so, they’ve reaffirmed that all Americans are entitled to the equal protection of the law. That all people should be treated equally, regardless of who they are or who they love. [...] This ruling will strengthen all of our communities by offering to all loving same-sex couples the dignity of marriage across this great land.''' * In my second inaugural address, I said that '''if we are truly created equal, then surely the love we commit to one another must be equal as well. It is gratifying to see that principle enshrined into law by this decision.''' * '''This ruling is a''' victory for Jim Obergefell and the other plaintiffs in the case. It's '''a victory for gay and lesbian couples who have fought so long for their basic civil rights. It’s a victory for their children, whose families will now be recognized as equal to any other.''' It’s a victory for the allies and friends and supporters who spent years, even decades, working and praying for change to come. And this ruling is a victory for America. This decision affirms what millions of Americans already believe in their hearts: '''When all Americans are treated as equal we are all more free.''' * I know that Americans of goodwill continue to hold a wide range of views on this issue. Opposition in some cases has been based on sincere and deeply held beliefs. All of us who welcome today’s news should be mindful of that fact; recognize different viewpoints; revere our deep commitment to religious freedom. But today should also give us hope that on the many issues with which we grapple, often painfully, '''real change is possible. Shifts in hearts and minds is possible.''' And those who have come so far on their journey to equality have a responsibility to reach back and help others join them. B'''ecause for all our differences, we are one people, stronger together than we could ever be alone. That’s always been our story. We are big and vast and diverse; a nation of people with different backgrounds and beliefs, different experiences and stories, but bound by our shared ideal that no matter who you are or what you look like, how you started off, or how and who you love, America is a place where you can write your own destiny.''' * What an extraordinary achievement. What a vindication of the belief that ordinary people can do extraordinary things. What a reminder of what [[Robert Kennedy|Bobby Kennedy]] once said about how '''small actions can be like pebbles being thrown into a still lake, and ripples of hope cascade outwards and change the world.''' ==== Eulogy for the Honorable Reverend Clementa Pinckney (June 2015) ==== [[File:Joseph Noel Paton Sir Galahad JKAM.jpg|thumb|Grace is not earned. Grace is not merited. It’s not something we deserve. Rather, grace is the free and benevolent favor of God as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.]] [[File:Threegraces.jpg|thumb|We don’t earn grace. We're all sinners. We don't deserve it. But God gives it to us anyway. And we choose how to receive it. It's our decision how to honor it.]] [[File:Robot Arm Over Earth with Sunburst - GPN-2000-001097.jpg|thumb|The path of grace involves an open mind -- but, more importantly, an open heart. [...] If we can find that grace, anything is possible. If we can tap that grace, everything can change.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/26/remarks-president-eulogy-honorable-reverend-clementa-pinckney Remarks by the President in Eulogy for the Honorable Reverend Clementa Pinckney at College of Charleston, Charleston, South Carolina, U.S. (June 26, 2015)]</small> * '''This whole week, I’ve been reflecting on this idea of grace.''' The grace of the families who lost loved ones. The grace that Reverend Pinckney would preach about in his sermons. '''The grace described in one of my favorite hymnals -- the one we all know: ''Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me. I once was lost, but now I’m found; was blind but now I see.'' According to the Christian tradition, grace is not earned. Grace is not merited. It’s not something we deserve. Rather, grace is the free and benevolent favor of God as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.''' * '''As a nation, out of this terrible tragedy, God has visited grace upon us, for he has allowed us to see where we’ve been blind. He has given us the chance, where we’ve been lost, to find our best selves. We may not have earned it, this grace,''' with our rancor and complacency, and short-sightedness and fear of each other -- '''but''' we got it all the same. '''He gave it to us anyway. He’s once more given us grace. But it is up to us now to make the most of it, to receive it with gratitude, and to prove ourselves worthy of this gift.''' * '''For too long, we were blind to the pain that the Confederate flag stirred in too many of our citizens. It’s true, a flag did not cause these murders. But as people from all walks of life, Republicans and Democrats, now acknowledge''' -- including Governor Haley, whose recent eloquence on the subject is worthy of praise as we all have to acknowledge, '''the flag has always represented more than just ancestral pride. For many, black and white, that flag was a reminder of systemic oppression and racial subjugation.''' We see that now. '''Removing the flag from this state’s capitol would not be an act of political correctness; it would not be an insult to the valor of Confederate soldiers. It would simply be an acknowledgment that the cause for which they fought -- the cause of slavery -- was wrong -- the imposition of Jim Crow after the Civil War, the resistance to civil rights for all people was wrong. It would be one step in an honest accounting of America’s history; a modest but meaningful balm for so many unhealed wounds. It would be an expression of the amazing changes that have transformed this state and this country for the better, because of the work of so many people of goodwill, people of all races striving to form a more perfect union. By taking down that flag, we express God’s grace.''' * But I don't think God wants us to stop there. '''For too long, we’ve been blind to the way past injustices continue to shape the present. Perhaps we see that now. Perhaps this tragedy causes us to ask some tough questions about how we can permit so many of our children to languish in poverty, or attend dilapidated schools, or grow up without prospects for a job or for a career. Perhaps it causes us to examine what we’re doing to cause some of our children to hate. Perhaps it softens hearts towards those lost young men, tens and tens of thousands caught up in the criminal justice system and leads us to make sure that that system is not infected with bias'''; that we embrace changes in how we train and equip our police so that the bonds of trust between law enforcement and the communities they serve make us all safer and more secure. '''Maybe we now realize the way racial bias can infect us even when we don't realize it, so that we're guarding against not just racial slurs, but we're also guarding against the subtle impulse to call Johnny back for a job interview but not Jamal.''' So that we search our hearts when we consider laws to make it harder for some of our fellow citizens to vote. '''By recognizing our common humanity by treating every child as important, regardless of the color of their skin or the station into which they were born, and to do what’s necessary to make opportunity real for every American -- by doing that, we express God’s grace.''' * '''For too long, we’ve been blind to the unique mayhem that gun violence inflicts upon this nation.''' Sporadically, our eyes are open: When [[w:Charleston church shooting|eight of our brothers and sisters are cut down in a church basement]], [[w:2012 Aurora shooting|12 in a movie theater]], [[w:Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|26 in an elementary school]]. But '''I hope we''' also see '''the 30 precious lives cut short by gun violence in this country every single day; the countless more whose lives are forever changed -- the survivors crippled, the children traumatized and fearful every day as they walk to school, the husband who will never feel his wife’s warm touch, the entire communities whose grief overflows every time they have to watch what happened to them happen to some other place.''' The vast majority of Americans -- the majority of gun owners -- want to do something about this. We see that now. And '''I'm convinced that by acknowledging the pain and loss of others, even as we respect the traditions and ways of life that make up this beloved country -- by making the moral choice to change, we express God’s grace.''' * '''We don’t earn grace. We're all sinners. We don't deserve it. But God gives it to us anyway. And we choose how to receive it. It's our decision how to honor it.''' * None of us can or should expect a transformation in race relations overnight. Every time something like this happens, somebody says we have to have a conversation about race. We talk a lot about race. There’s no shortcut. And we don’t need more talk. None of us should believe that a handful of gun safety measures will prevent every tragedy. It will not. People of goodwill will continue to debate the merits of various policies, as our democracy requires -- this is a big, raucous place, America is. And there are good people on both sides of these debates. Whatever solutions we find will necessarily be incomplete. But '''it would be a betrayal''' of everything Reverend Pinckney stood for, I believe, '''if we allowed ourselves to slip into a comfortable silence again. Once the eulogies have been delivered, once the TV cameras move on, to go back to business as usual -- that’s what we so often do to avoid uncomfortable truths about the prejudice that still infects our society. To settle for symbolic gestures without following up with the hard work of more lasting change -- that’s how we lose our way again. It would be a refutation of the forgiveness expressed by those families if we merely slipped into old habits, whereby those who disagree with us are not merely wrong but bad; where we shout instead of listen; where we barricade ourselves behind preconceived notions or well-practiced cynicism.''' * Clem understood that '''justice grows out of recognition of ourselves in each other.''' That '''my liberty depends on you being free, too.''' That '''history can’t be a sword to justify injustice, or a shield against progress, but must be a manual for how to avoid repeating the mistakes of the past -- how to break the cycle. A roadway toward a better world.''' He knew that '''the path of grace involves an open mind -- but, more importantly, an open heart.''' That’s what I’ve felt this week -- an open heart. That, more than any particular policy or analysis, is what’s called upon right now, I think -- what a friend of mine, the writer [[w:Marilyn Robinson|Marilynne Robinson]], calls “that reservoir of goodness, beyond, and of another kind, that we are able to do each other in the ordinary cause of things.” That reservoir of goodness. '''If we can find that grace, anything is possible. If we can tap that grace, everything can change.''' ==== Remarks to the Kenyan People (July 2015) ==== [[File:Ancientlibraryalex.jpg|thumb|We study the past so it can guide us into the future, and inspire us to do better.]] [[File:Martin Luther King Memorial (Washington) (44519498444).jpg|thumb|A politics that’s based solely on tribe and ethnicity is a politics that's doomed to tear a country apart.]] [[File:FreedmenVotingInNewOrleans1867.jpeg|thumb|You can't be complacent and accept the world just as it is. You have to imagine what the world might be and then push and work toward that future. Progress requires that you honestly confront the dark corners of our own past; extend rights and opportunities to more of your citizens.]] [[File:1963 march on washington.jpg|thumb|And the ability of citizens to organize and advocate for change -- that's the oxygen upon which democracy depends.]] [[File:Maternal health (4798750001).jpg|thumb|There is a tradition of repressing women and treating them differently, and not giving them the same opportunities, and husbands beating their wives, and children not being sent to school. Those are traditions. Treating women and girls as second-class citizens, those are bad traditions. They need to change.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-kenyan-people Remarks by President Obama to the Kenyan People at Safaricom Indoor Arena, Nairobi, Kenya (July 26, 2015)]</small> * We know a history so that we can learn from it. We learn our history because we understand the sacrifices that were made before, so that when we make sacrifices we understand we're doing it on behalf of future generations. There’s a proverb that says, “We have not inherited this land from our forebears, we have borrowed it from our children.” In other words, '''we study the past so it can guide us into the future, and inspire us to do better.''' * I want to be very clear here -- '''a politics that’s based solely on tribe and ethnicity is a politics that's doomed to tear a country apart.''' * In the United States, I always say that '''what makes America exceptional is not the fact that we’re perfect, it's the fact that we struggle to improve. We're self-critical. We work to live up to our highest values and ideals, knowing that we're not always going to achieve them perfectly, but we keep on trying to perfect our union.''' * '''You can't be complacent and accept the world just as it is. You have to imagine what the world might be and then push and work toward that future. Progress requires that you honestly confront the dark corners of our own past; extend rights and opportunities to more of your citizens; see the differences and diversity of this country as a strength, just as we in America try to see the diversity of our country as a strength and not a weakness.''' So you can choose the path to progress, but it requires making some important choices. * '''And the ability of citizens to organize and advocate for change -- that's the oxygen upon which democracy depends.''' * '''Democracy is sometimes messy, and for leaders, sometimes it's frustrating.''' Democracy means that somebody is always complaining about something. Nobody is ever happy in a democracy about their government. If you make one person happy, somebody else is unhappy. Then sometimes somebody who you made happy, later on, now they’re not happy. They say, what have you done for me lately? '''But that's the nature of democracy. That's why it works, is because it's constantly challenging leaders to up their game and to do better.''' * Because '''corruption holds back every aspect of economic and civil life. It’s an anchor that weighs you down and prevents you from achieving what you could.''' If you need to pay a bribe and hire somebody’s brother -- who’s not very good and doesn’t come to work -- in order to start a business, well, that’s going to create less jobs for everybody. If electricity is going to one neighborhood because they’re well-connected, and not another neighborhood, that’s going to limit development of the country as a whole. If someone in public office is taking a cut that they don't deserve, that’s taking away from those who are paying their fair share. So this is not just about changing one law -- although it's important to have laws on the books that are actually being enforced. '''It’s important that not only low-level corruption is punished, but folks at the top, if they are taking from the people, that has to be addressed as well. But it's not something that is just fixed by laws, or that any one person can fix. It requires a commitment by the entire nation -- leaders and citizens -- to change habits and to change culture. [...] People who break the law and violate the public trust need to be prosecuted.''' NGOs have to be allowed to operate who shine a spotlight on what needs to change. And ordinary people have to stand up and say, enough is enough. * '''Every country and every culture has traditions that are unique and help make that country what it is. But just because something is a part of your past doesn’t make it right. It doesn’t mean that it defines your future. [...] Just because something is a tradition doesn’t make it right.''' * Well, '''so around the world, there is a tradition of repressing women and treating them differently, and not giving them the same opportunities, and husbands beating their wives, and children not being sent to school. Those are traditions. Treating women and girls as second-class citizens, those are bad traditions. They need to change. They’re holding you back.''' * '''Treating women as second-class citizens is a bad tradition. It holds you back. There’s no excuse for sexual assault or domestic violence. There’s no reason that young girls should suffer genital mutilation. There’s no place in civilized society for the early or forced marriage of children. These traditions may date back centuries; they have no place in the 21st century. These are issues of right and wrong -- in any culture. But they’re also issues of success and failure. Any nation that fails to educate its girls or employ its women and allowing them to maximize their potential is doomed to fall behind in a global economy.''' * You know, we're in a sports center. '''Imagine if you have a team and you don't let half of the team play. That's stupid. That makes no sense. And the evidence shows that communities that give their daughters the same opportunities as their sons, they are more peaceful, they are more prosperous, they develop faster, they are more likely to succeed. [...] And that's why one of the most successful development policies you can pursue is giving girls and education, and removing the obstacles that stand between them and their dreams. And by the way, if you educate girls -- they grow up to be moms -- and they, because they’re educated, are more likely to produce educated children.''' * '''Terrorists who try to sow chaos, they must be met with force and they must also be met, though, with a forceful commitment to uphold the rule of law, and respect for human rights, and to treat everybody who’s peaceful and law-abiding fairly and equally.''' * So '''we can all appreciate our own identities, our bloodlines, our beliefs, our backgrounds -- that tapestry is what makes us who we are.''' But the history of Africa -- which is both the cradle of human progress and a crucible of conflict -- shows us that '''when define ourselves narrowly, in opposition to somebody just because they’re of a different tribe, or race, or religion -- and we ignore who is a good person or a bad person, are they working hard or not, are they honest or not, are they peaceful or violent -- when we start making distinctions solely based on status and not what people do, then we're taking the wrong path and we inevitably suffer in the end. This is why Martin Luther King called on people to be judged not by the color of their skin but the content of their character. And in the same way, people should not be judged by their last name, or their religious faith, but by their content of their character and how they behave. Are they good citizens? Are they good people?''' ==== Remarks to the People of Africa (July 2015) ==== [[File:P1020254 (5349317202).jpg|thumb|The most powerful antidote to the old ways of doing things is this new generation of youth. History shows that the nations that do best are the ones that invest in the education of their people.]] [[File:African Union flag (cropped).png|thumb|Good governance is one of the best weapons against terrorism and instability.]] [[File:Genius of Liberty Dumont July Column.jpg|thumb|If we sacrifice liberty in the name of security, we risk losing both.]] [[File:Ripa dignity allegory (7885027).jpg|thumb|If each of us is to be treated with dignity, each of us must be sure to also extend that same dignity to others.]] [[File:Safe spaces for 10,000 vulnerable girls in Zambia (8220719712).jpg|thumb|The single best indicator of whether a nation will succeed is how it treats its women.]] [[File:DBP 1984 1230 Gleichberechtigung.jpg|thumb|We’ll all be better off when women have equal futures.]] [[File:Tree of Life by Beth Erez.jpg|thumb|In this tree of humanity, with all of our branches and diversity, we all go back to the same root.  We’re all one family -- we're all one tribe. And yet so much of the suffering in our world stems from our failure to remember that -- to not recognize ourselves in each other.]] [[File:2006 - Byzantine Museum, Athens - Marble slab - Photo by Giovanni Dall'Orto, Nov 12 2009.jpg|thumb|Every one of us is equal. Every one of us has worth. Every one of us matters.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/07/26/remarks-president-obama-kenyan-people Remarks by President Obama to the People of Africa at Mandela Hall, African Union Headquarters in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia (July 28, 2015)]</small> * For us, for our children, Africa and its people teach us a powerful lesson -- that w'''e must uphold the inherent dignity of every human being. Dignity -- that basic idea that by virtue of our common humanity, no matter where we come from, or what we look like, we are all born equal, touched by the grace of God. Every person has worth. Every person matters. Every person deserves to be treated with decency and respect.''' Throughout much of history, mankind did not see this. Dignity was seen as a virtue reserved to those of rank and privilege, kings and elders. It took a revolution of the spirit, over many centuries, to open our eyes to the dignity of every person. And around the world, generations have struggled to put this idea into practice in laws and in institutions. * Africa’s progress will depend on unleashing economic growth -- not just for the few at the top, but for the many, because '''an essential element of dignity is being able to live a decent life. That begins with a job.''' And that requires trade and investment. * It is not unique to Africa -- '''corruption''' exists all over the world, including in the United States. But here in Africa, corruption drains billions of dollars from economies that can't afford to lose billions of dollars -- that's money that could be used to create jobs and build hospitals and schools. And when someone has to pay a bribe just to start a business or go to school, or get an official to do the job they’re supposed to be doing anyway -- that’s not “the African way.” It '''undermines the dignity of the people you represent.''' * But, ultimately, '''the most powerful antidote to the old ways of doing things is this new generation of''' African '''youth. History shows that the nations that do best are the ones that invest in the education of their people.''' You see, in this information age, jobs can flow anywhere, and they typically will flow to where workers are literate and highly skilled and online. * Africa’s '''progress will depend on development that truly lifts countries from poverty to prosperity -- because people everywhere deserve the dignity of a life free from want.''' * I believe Africa’s progress will also depend on democracy, because Africans, like '''people everywhere, deserve the dignity of being in control of their own lives. We all know what the ingredients of real democracy are. They include free and fair elections, but also freedom of speech and the press, freedom of assembly. These rights are universal.''' […] And I have to proclaim, '''democracy is not just formal elections. When journalists are put behind bars for doing their jobs, or activists are threatened as governments crack down on civil society then you may have democracy in name, but not in substance.''' And I'm convinced that '''nations cannot realize the full promise of independence until they fully protect the rights of their people.''' * '''No country is perfect, but we have to be honest, and strive to expand freedoms, to broaden democracy. The bottom line is that when citizens cannot exercise their rights, the world has a responsibility to speak out.''' * I have to also say that Africa’s '''democratic progress is''' also '''at risk when leaders refuse to step aside when their terms end. […] When a leader tries to change the rules in the middle of the game just to stay in office, it risks instability and strife''' -- [[w:2015 Burundian unrest|as we’ve seen in Burundi]]. '''And this is often just a first step down a perilous path.''' And sometimes you’ll hear leaders say, well, I'm the only person who can hold this nation together. If that's true, then that leader has failed to truly build their nation. […] '''Nobody should be president for life. And your country is better off if you have new blood and new ideas. I'm still a pretty young man, but I know that somebody with new energy and new insights will be good for my country. It will be good for yours, too''', in some cases. * Africa’s '''progress will also depend on security and peace -- because an essential part of human dignity is being safe and free from fear.''' * '''Our efforts to ensure our shared security must be matched by a commitment to improve governance. Those things are connected. Good governance is one of the best weapons against terrorism and instability.''' Our fight against terrorist groups, for example, will never be won if we fail to address legitimate grievances that terrorists may try to exploit, if we don’t build trust with all communities, if we don’t uphold the rule of law. There’s a saying, and I believe it is true -- '''if we sacrifice liberty in the name of security, we risk losing both.''' * And finally, Africa’s '''progress will depend on upholding the human rights of all people -- for if each of us is to be treated with dignity, each of us must be sure to also extend that same dignity to others.''' * '''Our girls have to be treated the same. We can’t let old traditions stand in the way. The march of history shows that we have the capacity to broaden our moral imaginations. We come to see that some traditions are good for us, they keep us grounded, but that, in our modern world, other traditions set us back. When African girls are subjected to the mutilation of their bodies, or forced into marriage at the ages of 9 or 10 or 11 -- that sets us back. That's not a good tradition. It needs to end. […]''' * '''And when girls cannot go to school and grow up not knowing how to read or write -- that denies the world future women engineers, future women doctors, future women business owners, future women presidents -- that sets us all back. That's a bad tradition -- not providing our girls the same education as our sons.''' I was saying in Kenya, '''nobody would put out a football team and then just play half the team. You’d lose. The same is true when it comes to getting everybody and education. You can't leave half the team off -- our young women.''' * [...] '''let girls learn so they grow up healthy and they grow up strong. And that will be good for families. And they will raise smart, healthy children, and that will be good for every one of your nations.''' Africa is the beautiful, strong women that these girls grow up to become. '''The single best indicator of whether a nation will succeed is how it treats its women. When women have health care and women have education, families are stronger, communities are more prosperous, children do better in school, nations are more prosperous.''' Look at the amazing African women here in this hall. '''If you want your country to grow and succeed, you have to empower your women.''' […] Let’s work together to stop sexual assault and domestic violence. '''Let’s make clear that we will not tolerate rape as a weapon of war -- it’s a crime.And those who commit it must be punished.  Let’s lift up the next generation of women leaders who can help fight injustice and forge peace and start new businesses and create jobs -- and some might hire some men, too. We’ll all be better off when women have equal futures.''' * '''In this tree of humanity, with all of our branches and diversity, we all go back to the same root.  We’re all one family -- we're all one tribe. And yet so much of the suffering in our world stems from our failure to remember that -- to not recognize ourselves in each other. We think because somebody’s skin is slightly different, or their hair is slightly different, or their religious faith is differently expressed, or they speak a different language that it justifies somehow us treating them with less dignity. And that becomes the source of so many of our problems. And we think somehow that we make ourselves better by putting other people down. And that becomes the source of so many of our problems. When we begin to see other as somehow less than ourselves -- when we succumb to these artificial divisions of faith or sect or tribe or ethnicity -- then even the most awful abuses are justified in the minds of those who are thinking in those ways. And in the end, abusers lose their own humanity, as well.''' * '''Every one of us is equal. Every one of us has worth. Every one of us matters. And when we respect the freedom of others -- no matter the color of their skin, or how they pray or who they are or who they love -- we are all more free. Your dignity depends on my dignity, and my dignity depends on yours.''' Imagine if everyone had that spirit in their hearts. Imagine if governments operated that way. Just imagine what the world could look like -- the future that we could bequeath these young people. * Yes, '''in our world, old thinking can be a stubborn thing. That's one of the reasons why we need term limits -- old people think old ways. […] The old ways can be stubborn. But I believe the human heart is stronger. I believe hearts can change.  I believe minds can open. That’s how change happens. That’s how societies move forward.''' It's not always a straight line -- step by halting step -- sometimes you go forward, you move back a little bit. But I believe we are marching, we are pointing towards ideals of justice and equality. * '''New thinking. Unleashing growth that creates opportunity. Promoting development that lifts all people out of poverty.Supporting democracy that gives citizens their say. Advancing the security and justice that delivers peace. Respecting the human rights of all people. These are the keys to progress -- not just in Africa, but around the world.''' ==== Young African Leaders Initiative Presidential Summit Town Hall speech (August 2015) ==== [[File:Simon Legree and Uncle Tom - A scene from the abolitionist novel, Uncle Tom's Cabin.png|thumb|You do not lift yourself up by holding somebody else down.]] [[File:Alice Mendoza, left, accepts the Medal of Honor on behalf of her late husband, U.S. Army Staff Sgt. Manuel V. Mendoza, from President Barack Obama during a ceremony at the White House in Washington, D.C 140318-D-DB155-019.jpg|thumb|You have to be willing to take some risks and do some hard things in order to be a leader. A leader is not just a name, a title, and privileges and perks.]] [[File:Academy commencement 110518-G-ZX620-075.jpg|thumb|If you don’t have the convictions and the courage to be able to stand up for what you think is right, then cruelty will perpetuate itself.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/08/03/remarks-president-young-african-leaders-initiative-presidential-summit Remarks by the President at the Young African Leaders Initiative Presidential Summit Town Hall at Omni Shoreham Hotel, Washington, D.C., U.S.A. (August 3, 2015)]</small> * '''The best measure of how a country does economically in terms of development is how does it treat its women.''' And as I said in a speech -- a couple of the speeches that I gave while I was in Kenya and Ethiopia -- '''if you’re mistreating your women, then you’re just holding yourself back, you’re holding yourself down. You may have some false sense of importance, but ultimately you don’t benefit if women are being discriminated against, because that means when they’re working, your family is going to have less income. If they’re not educated, that means your children are less likely to be well educated, because, typically, the mother is the first educator of a child. So if they see you disrespecting your wife, then what lesson is your -- not just your girls, but what lessons are your sons learning from you? […] You do not lift yourself up by holding somebody else down.''' * And the one thing I’ve learned, both in my personal life and in my political life, is that '''if you want more authority, then you also have to be more responsible. You can’t wear the crown if you can’t bear the cross.''' […] So my attitude is, '''if you want to participate then you have to recognize that you have broader responsibilities.''' […] And that is part of leadership. That’s true, by the way, for you individually as well. '''You have to be willing to take some risks and do some hard things in order to be a leader. A leader is not just a name, a title, and privileges and perks.''' * But what we’ve also said is i'''n order to defeat these extremist ideologies, it can’t just be military, police and security. It has to be reaching into communities that feel marginalized and making sure that they feel that they’re heard; making sure that the young people in those communities have opportunity.''' […] And that’s why, when I was in Kenya, for example, and I did a town hall meeting there, I emphasized what I had said to President Kenyata -- '''be a partner with the civil society groups.''' Because too often, there’s a tendency -- '''because what the extremist groups want to do is they want to divide. That’s what terrorism is all about. The notion is that you scare societies, further polarizes them. The government reacts by further discriminating against a particular group. That group then feels it has no political outlet peacefully to deal with their grievances. And that then -- that suppression can oftentimes accelerate even more extremism. And that’s why reaching out to civil society groups, clergy, and listening and asking, okay, what is it that we need to do in order to make sure that young people feel that they can succeed? What is it that we need to do to make sure that they feel that they’re fully a part of this country and are full citizens, and have full rights? How do we do that? Bringing them into plan and design messages and campaigns that embrace the diversity of these countries -- those are the things that are so important to do.''' * Societies evolve based on new understandings and new science and new appreciation of who we are. * And so we can preserve great traditions -- music, food, dance, language, art -- but '''if there’s a tradition''' anywhere in Africa, or here in the United States, or '''anywhere in the world that involves treating people differently because you’re scared of them, or because you're ignorant about them, or because you want to feel superior to them, it's a bad tradition. And you have to challenge it. And you can't accept excuses for it. […] But the truth of the matter is, is that if you’re treating people differently just because of who they love and who they are, then there’s a connection between that mindset and the mindset that led to racism, and the mindset that leads to ethnic conflict. It means that you’re not able to see somebody else as a human being. And so you can’t, on the one hand, complain when somebody else does that to you, and then you’re doing it to somebody else. You can’t do it. There’s got to be some consistency to how you think about these issues. And that’s going to be up to young people -- because old people get stuck in their ways. […] And that doesn’t mean that everything suddenly is perfect. It just means that, young people, you can lead the way and set a good example. But it requires some courage, because the old thinking, people will push back at you. And if you don’t have the convictions and the courage to be able to stand up for what you think is right, then cruelty will perpetuate itself.''' ==== Leaders' Summit on Countering ISIL and Violent Extremism speech (September 2015) ==== [[File:Signing of the EOA.jpg|thumb|Ideologies are not defeated with guns, they’re defeated by better ideas -- a more attractive and compelling vision.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/29/remarks-president-obama-leaders-summit-countering-isil-and-violent Remarks by President Obama at the Leaders' Summit on Countering ISIL and Violent Extremism at United Nations Headquarters in New York, New York (September 29, 2015)]</small> * '''Ideologies are not defeated with guns, they’re defeated by better ideas -- a more attractive and compelling vision.''' * I’ve said this before -- '''when human rights are denied and citizens have no opportunity to redress their grievances peacefully, it feeds terrorist propaganda that justifies violence. Likewise, when political opponents are treated like terrorists and thrown in jail, it can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. So the real path to lasting stability and progress is not less democracy; I believe it is more democracy in terms of free speech, and freedom of religion, rule of law, strong civil societies. All that has to play a part in countering violent extremism.''' * And finally, we recognize that '''our best partners in protecting vulnerable people from succumbing to violent extremist ideologies are the communities themselves -- families, friends, neighbors, clerics, faith leaders who love and care for these young people.''' Remember that '''violent extremism is not unique to any one faith, so no one should be profiled or targeted simply because of their faith.''' ==== Remarks after the Umpqua Community College shooting (October 2015) ==== :<small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2015/10/01/statement-president-shootings-umpqua-community-college-roseburg-oregon Remarks by President Obama] from the [[w:James S. Brady Press Briefing Room|James S. Brady Press Briefing Room]] after the [[w:Umpqua Community College shooting|Umpqua Community College shooting]] (1 October 2015)</small> * In the coming days, we’ll learn about the victims — young men and women who were studying and learning and working hard, their eyes set on the future, their dreams on what they could make of their lives. And America will wrap everyone who’s grieving with our prayers and our love.<br>But as I said just a few months ago, and I said a few months before that, and I said each time we see one of these mass shootings, our thoughts and prayers are not enough. It’s not enough. It does not capture the heartache and grief and anger that we should feel. And it does nothing to prevent this carnage from being inflicted someplace else in America — next week, or a couple of months from now.<br>We don’t yet know why this individual did what he did. And it’s fair to say that anybody who does this has a sickness in their minds, regardless of what they think their motivations may be. But we are not the only country on Earth that has people with mental illnesses or want to do harm to other people. We are the only advanced country on Earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months.<br>Earlier this year, I answered a question in an interview by saying, “The United States of America is the one advanced nation on Earth in which we do not have sufficient common-sense gun-safety laws — even in the face of repeated mass killings.” And later that day, there was [[w:2015 Lafayette shooting|a mass shooting at a movie theater in Lafayette, Louisiana]]. That day! Somehow this has become routine. The reporting is routine. My response here at this podium ends up being routine. The conversation in the aftermath of it. We’ve become numb to this.<br>We talked about this after [[w: Columbine High School massacre|Columbine]] and [[w:Virginia Tech shooting|Blacksburg]], after [[w:2011 Tucson shooting|Tucson]], after [[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting]], after [[2012 Aurora shooting|Aurora]], after [[w:Charleston church shooting|Charleston]]. It cannot be this easy for somebody who wants to inflict harm on other people to get his or her hands on a gun.<br>And what’s become routine, of course, is the response of those who oppose any kind of common-sense gun legislation. * We know that states with the most gun laws tend to have the fewest gun deaths. So the notion that gun laws don’t work, or just will make it harder for law-abiding citizens and criminals will still get their guns is not borne out by the evidence.<br>We know that other countries, in response to one mass shooting, have been able to craft laws that almost eliminate mass shootings. Friends of ours, allies of ours — Great Britain, Australia, countries like ours. So we know there are ways to prevent it. * We spend over a trillion dollars, and pass countless laws, and devote entire agencies to preventing terrorist attacks on our soil, and rightfully so. And yet, we have a Congress that explicitly blocks us from even collecting data on how we could potentially reduce gun deaths. How can that be?<br>This is a political choice that we make to allow this to happen every few months in America. We collectively are answerable to those families who lose their loved ones because of our inaction. ==== Remarks to the United Nations General Assembly (September 2015) ==== [[File:Diagram of the Federal Government and American Union edit.jpg|thumb|A government that suppresses peaceful dissent is not showing strength; it is showing weakness and it is showing fear. History shows that regimes who fear their own people will eventually crumble, but strong institutions built on the consent of the governed endure long after any one individual is gone.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/09/28/remarks-president-obama-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama to the United Nations General Assembly at United Nations Headquarters in New York, New York (September 29, 2015)]</small> * I recognize that democracy is going to take different forms in different parts of the world. '''The very idea of a people governing themselves depends upon government giving expression to their unique culture, their unique history, their unique experiences. But some universal truths are self-evident. No person wants to be imprisoned for peaceful worship. No woman should ever be abused with impunity, or a girl barred from going to school. The freedom to peacefully petition those in power without fear of arbitrary laws -- these are not ideas of one country or one culture. They are fundamental to human progress.''' * I believe '''a government that suppresses peaceful dissent is not showing strength; it is showing weakness and it is showing fear. History shows that regimes who fear their own people will eventually crumble, but strong institutions built on the consent of the governed endure long after any one individual is gone. That's why our strongest leaders -- from [[George Washington]] to [[Nelson Mandela]] -- have elevated the importance of building strong, democratic institutions over a thirst for perpetual power. Leaders who amend constitutions to stay in office only acknowledge that they failed to build a successful country for their people -- because none of us last forever. It tells us that power is something they cling to for its own sake, rather than for the betterment of those they purport to serve.''' * I understand democracy is frustrating. Democracy in the United States is certainly imperfect. At times, it can even be dysfunctional. But '''democracy -- the constant struggle to extend rights to more of our people, to give more people a voice''' -- is what allowed us to become the most powerful nation in the world. It's not simply a matter of principle; it's not an abstraction. Democracy -- '''inclusive democracy -- makes countries stronger. When opposition parties can seek power peacefully through the ballot, a country draws upon new ideas.  When a free media can inform the public, corruption and abuse are exposed and can be rooted out. When civil society thrives, communities can solve problems that governments cannot necessarily solve alone. When immigrants are welcomed, countries are more productive and more vibrant. When girls can go to school, and get a job, and pursue unlimited opportunity, that’s when a country realizes its full potential.''' […] And I believe that what is true for America is true for virtually all mature democracies.  And that is no accident. We can be proud of our nations without defining ourselves in opposition to some other group. We can be patriotic without demonizing someone else. We can cherish our own identities -- our religion, our ethnicity, our traditions -- without putting others down. '''Our systems are premised on the notion that absolute power will corrupt, but that people -- ordinary people -- are fundamentally good; that they value family and friendship, faith and the dignity of hard work; and that with appropriate checks and balances, governments can reflect this goodness.''' === We Will Not Be Terrorized (December 2015) === [[File:2015-12-05 President Obama's Weekly Address.webm|thumb|This tragedy reminds us of our obligation to do everything in our power, together, to keep our communities safe.]] :<small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/05/weekly-address-we-will-not-be-terrorized "We Will Not Be Terrorized" (5 December 2015)]</small> * '''This weekend, [[w:2015 San Bernardino attack|our hearts are with the people of San Bernardino]] — another American community shattered by unspeakable violence.''' We salute the first responders — the police, the SWAT teams, the EMTs — who responded so quickly, with such courage, and saved lives. We pray for the injured as they fight to recover from their wounds. * It is entirely possible that these two attackers were radicalized to commit this act of terror. And if so, it would underscore a threat we’ve been focused on for years — the danger of people succumbing to violent extremist ideologies. We know that ISIL and other terrorist groups are actively encouraging people — around the world and in our country — to commit terrible acts of violence, often times as lone wolf actors. And even as we work to prevent attacks, all of us — government, law enforcement, communities, faith leaders — need to work together to prevent people from falling victim to these hateful ideologies. <br /> More broadly, this tragedy reminds us of our obligation to do everything in our power, together, to keep our communities safe. '''We know that the killers in San Bernardino used military-style assault weapons — weapons of war — to kill as many people as they could.''' It’s another tragic reminder that here in America it’s way too easy for dangerous people to get their hands on a gun. <br /> For example, '''right now, people on the No-Fly list can walk into a store and buy a gun. That is insane. If you’re too dangerous to board a plane, you’re too dangerous, by definition, to buy a gun.''' And so I’m calling on Congress to close this loophole, now. We may not be able to prevent every tragedy, but — at a bare minimum — we shouldn’t be making it so easy for potential terrorists or criminals to get their hands on a gun that they could use against Americans. ==== Address to the Nation by the President on San Bernardino (December 2015) ==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/06/address-nation-president Address to the Nation by the President] (6 December 2015)</small> * The FBI is still gathering the facts about [[w:2015 San Bernardino attack|what happened in San Bernardino]], but here is what we know. The victims were brutally murdered and injured by one of their coworkers and his wife. So far, we have no evidence that the killers were directed by a terrorist organization overseas, or that they were part of a broader conspiracy here at home. But it is clear that the two of them had gone down the dark path of radicalization, embracing a perverted interpretation of Islam that calls for war against America and the West. They had stockpiled assault weapons, ammunition, and pipe bombs. So this was an act of terrorism, designed to kill innocent people. * As Commander-in-Chief, I have no greater responsibility than the security of the American people. As a father to two young daughters who are the most precious part of my life, I know that we see ourselves with friends and coworkers at a holiday party like the one in San Bernardino. I know we see our kids in the faces of the [[w:November 2015 Paris attacks|young people killed in Paris]]. And I know that after so much war, many Americans are asking whether we are confronted by a cancer that has no immediate cure. * With American leadership, the international community has begun to establish a process — and timeline — to pursue ceasefires and a political resolution to the [[w:Syrian Civil War|Syrian war]]. Doing so will allow the Syrian people and every country, including our allies, but also countries like Russia, to focus on the common goal of destroying [[w:Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant|ISIL]] — a group that threatens us all. * To begin with, '''[[United States Congress|Congress]] should act to make sure no one on a no-fly list is able to buy a [[gun]]. What could possibly be the [[argument]] for allowing a [[terrorist]] [[suspect]] to buy a semi-automatic [[weapon]]?''' This is a matter of [[national security]]. <br /> We also need to make it harder for people to buy powerful [[assault weapons]] like the ones that were used in San Bernardino. I know there are some who reject any gun safety measures. But the fact is that '''our intelligence and law enforcement agencies — no matter how effective they are — cannot identify every would-be mass shooter, whether that individual is motivated by [[ISIL]] or some other hateful [[ideology]]. What we can do — and [[must]] do — is make it harder for them to [[kill]].''' * We cannot turn against one another by letting this fight be defined as a war between America and Islam. That, too, is what groups like ISIL want. ISIL does not speak for [[Islam]]. They are thugs and killers, part of a cult of death, and they account for a tiny fraction of more than a billion Muslims around the world — including millions of patriotic Muslim Americans who reject their hateful ideology. Moreover, the vast majority of terrorist victims around the world are Muslim. If we’re to succeed in defeating terrorism we must enlist Muslim communities as some of our strongest allies, rather than push them away through suspicion and hate. * My fellow Americans, I am confident we will succeed in this mission because we are on the right side of history. '''We were founded upon a belief in human dignity — that no matter who you are, or where you come from, or what you look like, or what religion you practice, you are equal in the eyes of God and equal in the eyes of the law.''' Even in this political season, even as we properly debate what steps I and future Presidents must take to keep our country safe, l'''et’s make sure we never forget what makes us exceptional. Let’s not forget that freedom is more powerful than fear; that we have always met challenges — whether war or depression, natural disasters or terrorist attacks — by coming together around our common ideals as one nation, as one people. So long as we stay true to that tradition, I have no doubt America will prevail.''' ==== Commemoration of the 150th Anniversary of the 13th Amendment (December 2015) ==== [[File:Desperate Conflict in a Barn.png|thumb|We would do a disservice to those warriors of justice -- [[Harriet Tubman|Tubman]], and [[Frederick Douglass|Douglass]], and Lincoln, and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]] -- were we to deny that the scars of our nation’s original sin are still with us today. We condemn ourselves to shackles once more if we fail to answer those who wonder if they’re truly equals in their communities, or in their justice systems, or in a job interview. We betray the efforts of the past if we fail to push back against bigotry in all its forms.]] [[File:Brooklyn Museum - A Ride for Liberty -- The Fugitive Slaves - Eastman Johnson - overall.jpg|thumb|We betray our most noble past as well if we were to deny the possibility of movement, the possibility of progress; if we were to let cynicism consume us and fear overwhelm us. [...] For however slow, however incomplete, however harshly, loudly, rudely challenged at each point along our journey, in America, we can create the change that we seek.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/09/remarks-president-commemoration-150th-anniversary-13th-amendment Remarks by the President at Commemoration of the 150th Anniversary of the 13th Amendment at the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C.] (9 December 2015)</small> * “In giving freedom to the slave, we assure freedom to the free.” That’s what [[Abraham Lincoln|President Lincoln]] once wrote. “Honorable alike in what we give, and what we preserve. We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of earth.” Mr. Speaker, leaders and members of both parties, distinguished guests: We gather here to commemorate a century and a half of freedom -- not simply for former slaves, but for all of us. Today, '''the issue of chattel [[slavery]]''' seems so simple, so obvious -- it '''is wrong in every sense. Stealing men, women, and children from their homelands. Tearing husband from wife, parent from child; stripped and sold to the highest bidder; shackled in chains and bloodied with the whip. It’s antithetical not only to our conception of human rights and dignity, but to our conception of ourselves -- a people founded on the premise that all are created equal.''' * At its heart, the question of slavery was never simply about civil rights. It was about the meaning of America, the kind of country we wanted to be –- whether this nation might fulfill the call of its birth: '''“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights,” that among those are life and liberty and the pursuit of happiness. President Lincoln understood that if we were ever to fully realize that founding promise, it meant not just signing an Emancipation Proclamation, not just winning a war. It meant making the most powerful collective statement we can in our democracy: etching our values into our Constitution.''' He called it “a King’s cure for all the evils.” '''[[w:Thirteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|A hundred and fifty years proved the cure to be necessary but not sufficient.]]''' Progress proved halting, too often deferred. Newly freed slaves may have been liberated by the letter of the law, but their daily lives told another tale. They couldn’t vote. They couldn’t fill most occupations. They couldn’t protect themselves or their families from indignity or from violence. '''And so abolitionists and freedmen and women and radical Republicans kept cajoling and kept rabble-rousing, and within a few years of the [[American Civil War|war]]’s end at [[w:Appomattox Court House National Historical Park|Appomattox]], we passed two more amendments guaranteeing [[w:Fifteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|voting rights]], [[w:Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution|birthright citizenship, equal protection under the law]].''' * And '''that’s what we celebrate today. The long arc of progress. Progress that is never assured, never guaranteed, but always possible, always there to be earned -– no matter how stuck we might seem sometimes. No matter how divided or despairing we may appear. No matter what ugliness may bubble up. Progress, so long as we’re willing to push for it; so long as we’re willing to reach for each other.''' * '''We would do a disservice to those warriors of justice -- [[Harriet Tubman|Tubman]], and [[Frederick Douglass|Douglass]], and Lincoln, and [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|King]] -- were we to deny that the scars of our nation’s original sin are still with us today. We condemn ourselves to shackles once more if we fail to answer those who wonder if they’re truly equals in their communities, or in their justice systems, or in a job interview. We betray the efforts of the past if we fail to push back against bigotry in all its forms.''' * But '''we betray our most noble past as well if we were to deny the possibility of movement, the possibility of progress; if we were to let cynicism consume us and fear overwhelm us. If we lost hope. For however slow, however incomplete, however harshly, loudly, rudely challenged at each point along our journey''', in America, '''we can create the change that we seek. All it requires is that our generation be willing to do what those who came before us have done: To rise above the cynicism and rise above the fear, to hold fast to our values, to see ourselves in each other, to cherish dignity and opportunity not just for our own children but for somebody else’s child. To remember that our freedom is bound up with the freedom of others -– regardless of what they look like or where they come from or what their last name is or what faith they practice. To be honorable alike in what we give, and what we preserve. To nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of Earth. To nobly save, or meanly lose, the last best hope of Earth. That is our choice. Today, we affirm hope.''' ==== Naturalization Ceremony speech (December 2015) ==== [[File:Flag-lens-flare.jpg|thumb|We can never say it often or loudly enough: Immigrants and refugees revitalize and renew America.]] [[File:Great Seal of the United States (obverse).svg|thumb|The tension throughout our history between welcoming or rejecting the stranger, it’s about more than just immigration. It’s about the meaning of America, what kind of country do we want to be. It’s about the capacity of each generation to honor the creed as old as our founding: “E Pluribus Unum” -- that out of many, we are one.]] [[File:Naturalization ceremony at Kennedy Space Center.jpg|thumb|Our system of self-government depends on ordinary citizens doing the hard, frustrating but always essential work of citizenship -- of being informed. Of understanding that the government isn’t some distant thing, but is you. Of speaking out when something is not right. Of helping fellow citizens when they need a hand. Of coming together to shape our country’s course.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/12/15/remarks-president-naturalization-ceremony Remarks by the President at Naturalization Ceremony at National Archives in Washington, D.C.] (15 December 2015).</small> * Just about every nation in the world, to some extent, admits immigrants. But '''there’s something unique about America. We don’t simply welcome new immigrants, we don’t simply welcome new arrivals -- we are born of immigrants.''' That is who we are. '''Immigration is our origin story. And for more than two centuries, it’s remained at the core of our national character; it’s our oldest tradition. It’s who we are. It’s part of what makes us exceptional.''' * '''We can never say it often or loudly enough: Immigrants and refugees revitalize and renew America.''' * '''We celebrate this history, this heritage, as an immigrant nation. And we are strong enough to acknowledge, as painful as it may be, that we haven’t always lived up to our own ideals.''' We haven’t always lived up to these documents. [...] '''We succumbed to fear. We betrayed not only our fellow Americans, but our deepest values.''' We betrayed these documents. It’s happened before. '''And the biggest irony of course was -- is that those who betrayed these values were themselves the children of immigrants. How quickly we forget. One generation passes, two generation passes, and suddenly we don’t remember where we came from. And we suggest that somehow there is “us” and there is “them,” not remembering we used to be “them.”''' * On days like today, '''we need to resolve never to repeat mistakes like that again. We must resolve to always speak out against hatred and bigotry in all of its forms''' -- whether taunts against the child of an immigrant farmworker or threats against a Muslim shopkeeper. '''We are Americans. Standing up for each other is what the values enshrined in the documents in this room compels us to do -– especially when it’s hard. Especially when it’s not convenient. That’s when it counts. That’s when it matters -- not when things are easy, but when things are hard.''' * '''The truth is, being an American is hard. Being part of a democratic government is hard. Being a citizen is hard. It is a challenge. It’s supposed to be. There’s no respite from our ideals. All of us are called to live up to our expectations for ourselves -- not just when it’s convenient, but when it’s inconvenient. When it’s tough. When we’re afraid. The tension throughout our history between welcoming or rejecting the stranger, it’s about more than just immigration. It’s about the meaning of America, what kind of country do we want to be. It’s about the capacity of each generation to honor the creed as old as our founding: “E Pluribus Unum” -- that out of many, we are one.''' * '''America: A place where we can be a part of something bigger. A place where we can contribute our talents and fulfill our ambitions and secure new opportunity for ourselves and for others. A place where we can retain pride in our heritage, but where we recognize that we have a common creed, a loyalty to these documents, a loyalty to our democracy; where we can criticize our government, but understand that we love it; where we agree to live together even when we don’t agree with each other; where we work through the democratic process, and not through violence or sectarianism to resolve disputes; where we live side by side as neighbors; and where our children know themselves to be a part of this nation, no longer strangers, but the bedrock of this nation, the essence of this nation.''' * '''Our system of self-government depends on ordinary citizens doing the hard, frustrating but always essential work of citizenship -- of being informed. Of understanding that the government isn’t some distant thing, but is you. Of speaking out when something is not right. Of helping fellow citizens when they need a hand. Of coming together to shape our country’s course. And that work gives purpose to every generation.''' It belongs to me. It belongs to the judge. It belongs to you. '''It belongs to''' you, '''all of us, as citizens. To follow our laws, yes, but also to engage with your communities and to speak up for what you believe in. And to vote -- to not only exercise the rights that are now yours, but to stand up for the rights of others.''' * '''If you ever wonder whether America is big enough to hold multitudes, strong enough to withstand the forces of change, brave enough to live up to our ideals even in times of trial, then look to the generations of ordinary citizens who have proven again and again that we are worthy of that. That’s our great inheritance -- what ordinary people have done to build this country and make these words live. And it’s our generation’s task to follow their example in this journey -- to keep building an America where no matter who we are or what we look like, or who we love or what we believe, we can make of our lives what we will. You will not and should not forget your history and your past. That adds to the richness of American life. But you are now American. You’ve got obligations as citizens. And I’m absolutely confident you will meet them.''' ===2016=== [[File:Donald Trump Pentagon 2017.jpg|thumb|I continue to believe that [[Donald Trump|Mr. Trump]] will not be president.]] [[File:Handshake between the President and Cuban President Raúl Castro.jpg|thumb| My view is that this is the [[beginning]], not the [[end]], of what is going to be a [[journey]] that takes some [[time]].]] [[File:Smithsonian-nmaahc-outside-20160720.jpg|thumb|right|History helps us recognize the mistakes that we’ve made and the dark corners of the human spirit that we need to guard against.]] [[File:J C W Beyer Veritas KGM 90-434.jpg|thumb|right|A great nation doesn’t shy from the truth. It strengthens us. It emboldens us.]] [[File:Gari-Melchers-Peace-Highsmith.jpeg|thumb|right|True security comes through making peace with your neighbors.]] [[File:Statue de la liberté c.1905.jpg|thumb|right|If you look out over the arc of history, human beings should be filled not with fear but with hope.]] [[File:Fountain of Time full front.jpg|thumb|right|It is better to live to the very end of his time on Earth with a longing not for the past but for the dreams that have not yet come true.]] * The Constitution is pretty clear about what is supposed to happen now. When there is a vacancy on the Supreme Court, the President of the United States is to nominate someone. The Senate is to consider that nomination, and either they disapprove of that nominee or that nominee is elevated to the Supreme Court. Historically, this has not been viewed as a question. There's no unwritten law that says that it can only be done on off years – that's not in the constitutional text. ** [https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/the-press-office/2016/02/16/remarks-president-obama-us-asean-press-conference "Remarks by President Obama at U.S.-ASEAN Press Conference"] (16 February 2016) * I continue to believe that [[Donald Trump|Mr. Trump]] will not be president. And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people. ** Speaking at the Asean economic summit in California, as quoted in [http://www.bbc.com/news/election-us-2016-35592948 "Donald Trump will not be president, says Barack Obama"], ''BBC'' (17 February 2016) * '''My view is that this is the [[beginning]], not the [[end]], of what is going to be a [[journey]] that takes some [[time]].''' ** As quoted in [http://www.cnn.com/2016/03/20/politics/obama-cuba-arrival-change/ "Obama arrives in Cuba; hopes visit will usher in change" by Kevin Liptak, at ''CNN'' (20 March 2016)] * '''Real power means you can get what you want without having to exert violence.''' ** In late January 2016, as quoted in [http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2016/04/the-obama-doctrine/471525/ "The Obama Doctrine" by Jeffrey Goldberg, in ''The Atlantic'' (April 2016)] * Iran so far has followed the letter of the agreement, but the spirit of the agreement involves Iran also sending signals to the world community and businesses that it is not going to be engaging in a range of provocative actions that might scare business off. '''When they launch ballistic missiles with slogans calling for the destruction of Israel, that makes businesses nervous.''' ** As quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/us-nuclear-summit-obama-iran-idUSKCN0WY4W3 "U.S. to clarify Iran rules, but Tehran must reassure wary firms"] (April 2016) * We belong on the cutting edge of innovation. That's an idea as old as America itself. We're a nation of tinkerers, and dreamers, and believers in a better tomorrow. ** Remarks about the first White House Science Fair in 2010. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NxEch5nsNkk “It’s a prototype!” Tune in for President Obama’s Last Science Fair, April 13th] (quote from video published on April 12, 2016) * I think it's fair to say that maybe some point down the line, there might be a UK-U.S. trade agreement, but it's not going to happen anytime soon, because our focus is in negotiating with a big bloc, the European Union, to get a trade agreement done, and the UK is going to be in the back of the queue. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/04/22/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-cameron-joint-press Remarks by the President Obama and Prime Minister Cameron in Joint Press Conference] (22 April 2016). [http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2016/apr/22/barack-obama-brexit-uk-back-of-queue-for-trade-talks "Barack Obama: Brexit would put UK 'back of the queue' for trade talks"], ''The Guardian''. *Right outside the door of the Treaty Room, so that I see it every day - including on weekends when I'm going into that office to watch a basketball game - the primary image I see is a bust of Winston Churchill. It's there voluntarily because I can do anything on the second floor. I love the guy. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-36112694 Obama hits back at Boris Johnson's alleged smears], ''BBC News'', 22 April 2016 * The end of the Republic has never looked better. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/01/remarks-president-white-house-correspondents-dinner Remarks by the President at the White House Correspondents' Dinner] (April 30, 2016) * Look, I’ve said how much I admire Hillary’s toughness, her smarts, her policy chops, her experience. You’ve got to admit it, though, Hillary trying to appeal to young voters is a little bit like your relative just signed up for Facebook. "Dear America, did you get my poke? Is it appearing on your wall? I'm not sure I am using this right. Love, Aunt Hillary." It's not entirely persuasive. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/01/remarks-president-white-house-correspondents-dinner Remarks by the President at the White House Correspondents' Dinner] (April 30, 2016) * There's been a trend around the country of trying to get college to disinvite speakers with a different point of view or disrupt a politician's rally. Don't do that, no matter how ridiculous or offensive you might find the things that come out of their mouths... If the other side has a point, learn from them! If they're wrong, rebut them, teach them, beat them on the battlefield of ideas! ** Commencement speech at Howard University, as quoted in [http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-students-need-to-stop-shutting-down-speech-of-people-they-disagree-with/ "Obama: Students Need to Stop Shutting Down Speech of People They Disagree With"] by Josh Feldman, ''Mediaite'' (7 May 2016) * '''Big nations should not bully smaller ones. Disputes should be resolved peacefully.''' ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016) * '''War, no matter what our intentions may be, brings suffering and tragedy.''' ** [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/05/24/politics/obama-vietnam-south-china-sea/ Obama raises human rights in Vietnam, calls for 'peaceful resolution' of South China Sea disputes], ''CNN'' (24 May 2016) * '''It’s very hard to prosper in this modern economy if you haven’t fully unleashed the potential of your people. And''' your '''people’s potential, in part, derives from their ability to express themselves and express new ideas, to try to right wrongs that are taking place in the society.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/24/remarks-president-obama-after-meeting-vietnamese-civil-society-leaders Remarks by President Obama After Meeting with Vietnamese Civil Society Leaders at JW Marriott Hotel Hanoi in Hanoi, Vietnam (May 24, 2016)] * There are many sites around the world that chronicle [[World War II|this war]] -- memorials that tell stories of courage and heroism; graves and empty camps that echo of unspeakable depravity. Yet in the image of [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|a mushroom cloud that rose into these skies]], we are most starkly reminded of humanity’s core contradiction; how '''the very spark that marks us as a species -- our thoughts, our imagination, our language, our tool-making, our ability to set ourselves apart from nature and bend it to our will''' -- those very things '''also give us the capacity for unmatched destruction. [...] Science allows us to communicate across the seas and fly above the clouds; to cure disease and understand the cosmos. But those same discoveries can be turned into ever-more efficient killing machines.''' The wars of the modern age teach this truth. [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|Hiroshima]] teaches this truth. '''Technological progress without an equivalent progress in human institutions can doom us.''' The scientific revolution that led to the splitting of an atom requires a moral revolution, as well. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/05/27/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-abe-japan-hiroshima-peace Remarks by President Obama and Prime Minister Abe of Japan at Hiroshima Peace Memorial at Hiroshima Peace Memorial in Hiroshima, Japan (May 27, 2016)] * But for those folks who have lost their job right now because a plant went down the Mexico, that isn't going to make you feel better. And so what we have to do is to make sure that folks are trained for the jobs that are coming in now because some of those jobs of the past are just not going to come back, and when somebody says, like [[Donald Trump|the person you just mentioned]] who I'm not going to advertise for, that he's going to bring all these jobs back, well how exactly are you going to do that? What are you going to do? There's — there's no answer to it. He just says, "Well, I'm going to negotiate a better deal." Well, how — what — how exactly are you going to negotiate that? What magic wand do you have? And usually, the answer is he doesn't have an answer. ** [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/questions-for-president-obama-a-town-hall-special/ Questions for President Obama: A Town Hall Special] with Gwen Ifill, ''PBS NewsHour'' (1 June 2016) * We saw in San Jose these protesters starting to pelt stuff [at] Trump supporters. That's not what our democracy is about. That's not what you do. '''There's no room for violence. There's no place for shouting. There's no room for a politics that fails to at least listen to the other side — even if you vehemently disagree.''' ** At a DNC fundraiser in Florida, as quoted in [http://thehill.com/blogs/blog-briefing-room/news/282199-obama-on-anti-trump-violence-thats-not-what-our-democracy-is "Obama condemns violence at Trump rally"] by Evelyn Rupert, ''The Hill'' (3 June 2016) * When people say "Black Lives Matter," that doesn't mean blue lives don't matter; it just means all lives matter, but right now the big concern is the fact that the data shows black folks are more vulnerable to these kinds of incidents. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/07/statement-president Statement by the President] (7 July 2016) * '''We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a [[w:Glock|Glock]] than get his hands on a computer or even a book.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/12/remarks-president-memorial-service-fallen-dallas-police-officers Remarks by the President at Memorial Service for Fallen Dallas Police Officers] (12 July 2016) *<p>One of the great things about America is that individual citizens and groups of citizens can petition their government, can protest, can speak truth to power. And that is sometimes messy and controversial. But because of that ability to protest and engage in free speech, America, over time, has gotten better. We've all benefited from that. </p><p>The [[Abolitionism|abolition movement]] was contentious. The effort for women to get the right to vote was contentious and messy. There were times when activists might have engaged in rhetoric that was overheated and occasionally counterproductive. But the point was to raise issues so that we, as a society, could grapple with it. The same was true with the Civil Rights Movement, the union movement, the environmental movement, the anti-war movement during Vietnam. And I think what you're seeing now is part of that longstanding tradition. </p><p>What I would say is this -- that whenever those of us who are concerned about fairness in the criminal justice system attack police officers, you are doing a disservice to the cause. First of all, any violence directed at police officers is a reprehensible crime and needs to be prosecuted. But even rhetorically, if we paint police in broad brush, without recognizing that the vast majority of police officers are doing a really good job and are trying to protect people and do so fairly and without racial bias, if our rhetoric does not recognize that, then we're going to lose allies in the reform cause.</p><p>Now, in a movement like [[w:Black Lives Matter|Black Lives Matter]], there's always going to be some folks who say things that are stupid, or imprudent, or overgeneralized, or harsh. And I don't think that you can hold well-meaning activists who are doing the right thing and peacefully protesting responsible for everything that is uttered at a protest site.</p> ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/10/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-rajoy-spain-after-bilateral Remarks by President Obama and Prime Minister Rajoy of Spain After Bilateral Meeting] (10 July 2016) * If police organizations and departments acknowledge that there's a problem and there's an issue, then that, too, is going to contribute to real solutions. And, as I said yesterday, that is what's going to ultimately help make the job of being a cop a lot safer. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/10/remarks-president-obama-and-prime-minister-rajoy-spain-after-bilateral Remarks by President Obama and Prime Minister Rajoy of Spain After Bilateral Meeting] (10 July 2016) * '''Our hearts go out to those who may have been injured.''' It’s still an active situation. And Germany is one of our closest allies, so we are going to pledge all the support that they may need in dealing with these circumstances. '''It's a good reminder of something that I've said over the last couple of weeks, which is our way of life -- our freedoms, our ability to go about our business every day, raising our kids and seeing them grow up and graduate from high school''' -- and now about to leave their dad -- (laughter) -- I'm sorry, I'm getting a little too personal -- getting a little too personal there -- (laughter) -- that '''depends on law enforcement. It depends on the men and women in uniform every single day who are, under some of the most adverse circumstances imaginable at times, making sure to keep us safe.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/22/remarks-president-drop-21st-century-policing-event Remarks by the President at a Drop-By of 21st Century Policing Event] (22 July 2016). Quoted in: [http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3703975/Grinning-Obama-JOKES-Munich-carnage-press-conference-shifts-gears-talk-daughter-Malia-leaving-nest-college.html "Grinning Obama JOKES during statement on Munich carnage as he shifts gears to say he'll miss daughter Malia when she leaves the nest for college"] by David Martosko, ''Daily Mail'' (22 July 2016). * If you you're in the United States, sometimes you can feel [[lazy]] and think we're so big we don't have to really know anything about other people. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/07/remarks-president-obama-yseali-town-hall Remarks by President Obama at YSEALI Town Hall] (7 September 2016) * Usually, if you see the environment destroyed, it’s not because that's necessary for development. It's usually because we're being lazy, and we're not being as creative as we could be about how to do it in a smarter, sustainable way. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/07/remarks-president-obama-yseali-town-hall Remarks by President Obama at YSEALI Town Hall] (7 September 2016) * My name may not be on the ballot, but our progress is on the ballot. Tolerance is on the ballot. Democracy is on the ballot. Justice is on the ballot. Good schools are on the ballot. Ending mass incarceration – that's on the ballot right now! And there is one candidate who will advance those things. And there's another candidate whose defining principle, the central theme of his candidacy is opposition to all that we've done. There's no such thing as a vote that doesn't matter. It all matters. And after we have achieved historic turnout in 2008 and 2012, especially in the African-American community, I will consider it a personal insult, an insult to my legacy, if this community lets down its guard and fails to activate itself in this election. You want to give me a good sendoff? Go vote. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/18/remarks-president-congressional-black-caucus-foundation-46th-annual Remarks by the President at Congressional Black Caucus Foundation 46th Annual Phoenix Awards Dinner] (18 September 2016) * The great historian John Hope Franklin, who helped to get this museum started, once said, “Good history is a good foundation for a better present and future.” He understood '''the best history doesn’t just sit behind a glass case; it helps us to understand what’s outside the case. The best history helps us recognize the mistakes that we’ve made and the dark corners of the human spirit that we need to guard against. And, yes, a clear-eyed view of history can make us uncomfortable, and shake us out of familiar narratives. But it is precisely because of that discomfort that we learn and grow and harness our collective power to make this nation more perfect.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/24/remarks-president-dedication-national-museum-african-american-history Remarks by the President at the Dedication of the National Museum of African American History and Culture at the National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (24 September 2016) * As [[George W. Bush|President Bush]] just said, '''a great nation doesn’t shy from the truth. It strengthens us. It emboldens us. It should fortify us.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/24/remarks-president-dedication-national-museum-african-american-history Remarks by the President at the Dedication of the National Museum of African American History and Culture at the National Mall in Washington, D.C.] (24 September 2016) * But he understood from hard-earned experience that '''true security comes through making peace with your neighbors.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/30/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-israeli-president-shimon Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former Israeli President Shimon Peres on Mount Herzl in Jerusalem, Israel.] (30 September 2016) * He knew, better than the cynic, that '''if you look out over the arc of history, human beings should be filled not with fear but with hope.''' ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/30/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-israeli-president-shimon Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former Israeli President Shimon Peres on Mount Herzl in Jerusalem, Israel.] (30 September 2016) * But he understood that '''it is better to live to the very end of his time on Earth with a longing not for the past but for the dreams that have not yet come true''' -- an Israel that is secure in a just and lasting peace with its neighbors. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/30/remarks-president-obama-memorial-service-former-israeli-president-shimon Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Former Israeli President Shimon Peres on Mount Herzl in Jerusalem, Israel.] (30 September 2016) * It is important to remember that capitalism has been the greatest driver of prosperity and opportunity the world has ever seen. ** Paul Blake. "[https://web.archive.org/web/20230825215633/https://abcnews.go.com/Business/obama-defends-capitalism-international-free-trade-economist-essay/story?id=42614080 Obama Defends Capitalism and International Free Trade in 'Economist' Essay]" (archived) abcnews.go.com, 6 October 2016. * I've got the economy set up well for him. No facts, no consequences, they can just have a cartoon. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2018/05/30/us/politics/obama-reaction-trump-election-benjamin-rhodes.html In response to Donald Trump's election victory]. (November 2016) * The demographics of the country are going to change. It's inevitable. The Latino community in America is going to grow. If you stopped all immigration today, just by virtue of birth rates, this is going to be a browner country. ** [http://www.npr.org/2016/12/19/504998487/transcript-and-video-nprs-exit-interview-with-president-obama NPR's Exit Interview With President Obama] (19 December 2016) * No foreign terrorist organization has successfully planned and executed an attack on our homeland. ** [https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/12/06/remarks-president-administrations-approach-counterterrorism Remarks by the President on the Administration's Approach to Counterterrorism] (6 December 2016) ====State of the Union address (January 2016)==== [[File:USMC War Memorial Night.jpg|thumb|Leadership means a wise application of military power, and rallying the world behind causes that are right.]] [[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|Democracy does require basic bonds of trust between its citizens. It doesn't work if we think the people who disagree with us are all motivated by malice, it doesn't work if we think that our political opponents are unpatriotic.]] [[File:Election MG 3455.JPG|thumb|Democracy grinds to a halt without a willingness to compromise or when even basic facts are contested or when we listen only to those who agree with us. Our public life withers when only the most extreme voices get all the attention. And most of all, democracy breaks down when the average person feels their voice doesn't matter; that the system is rigged in favor of the rich or the powerful or some special interest.]] :<small>[https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/the-fix/wp/2016/01/12/what-obama-said-in-his-state-of-the-union-address-and-what-it-meant/?tid=pm_politics_pop_b State of the Union address] (12 January 2016), Washington, D.C.</small> *Our best corporate citizens are also our most creative... Sixty years ago, when the Russians beat us into space, we didn’t deny Sputnik was up there. We didn't argue about the science, or shrink our research and development budget. We built a space program almost overnight, and twelve years later, we were walking on the moon. That spirit of discovery is in our DNA. We're Thomas Edison and the Wright Brothers and George Washington Carver. We're Grace Hopper and Katherine Johnson and Sally Ride. We're every immigrant and entrepreneur from Boston to Austin to Silicon Valley racing to shape a better world. And over the past seven years, we've nurtured that spirit. *The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It's not even close. We spend more on our military than the next eight nations combined. Our troops are the finest fighting force in the history of the world. No nation dares to attack us or our allies because they know that's the path to ruin. Surveys show our standing around the world is high... When it comes to every important international issue, people of the world do not look to Beijing or Moscow to lead; they call us. *As we focus on destroying ISIL, over-the-top claims that this is World War III just play into their hands. Masses of fighters on the back of pickup trucks and twisted souls plotting in apartments or garages pose an enormous danger to civilians and must be stopped. But they do not threaten our national existence. That’s the story ISIL wants to tell; that’s the kind of propaganda they use to recruit. We don’t need to build them up to show that we’re serious, nor do we need to push away vital allies in this fight by echoing the lie that ISIL is representative of one of the world’s largest religions. We just need to call them what they are — killers and fanatics who have to be rooted out, hunted down, and destroyed. *When politicians insult Muslims, when a mosque is vandalized, or a kid bullied, that doesn’t make us safer. That’s not telling it like it is. It’s just wrong. It diminishes us in the eyes of the world. It makes it harder to achieve our goals. And it betrays who we are as a country... What I’m asking for is hard. It’s easier to be cynical; to accept that change isn’t possible, and politics is hopeless, and to believe that our voices and actions don’t matter. But if we give up now, then we forsake a better future. Those with money and power will gain greater control over the decisions that could send a young soldier to war, or allow another economic disaster, or roll back the equal rights and voting rights that generations of Americans have fought, even died, to secure. As frustration grows, there will be voices urging us to fall back into tribes, to scapegoat fellow citizens who don’t look like us, or pray like us, or vote like we do, or share the same background. We can’t afford to go down that path. It won’t deliver the economy we want, or the security we want, but most of all, it contradicts everything that makes us the envy of the world. * '''When you come after Americans, we go after you. It may take time, but we have long memories, and our reach has no limit.''' * '''Leadership means a wise application of military power, and rallying the world behind causes that are right.''' It means seeing our foreign assistance as part of our national security, not something separate, not charity. *We need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. This isn’t a matter of political correctness. It’s a matter of understanding what makes us strong. The world respects us not just for our arsenal; it respects us for our diversity and our openness and the way we respect every faith. * But '''democracy does require basic bonds of trust between its citizens. It doesn't &ndash; it doesn't work if we think the people who disagree with us are all motivated by malice, it doesn't work if we think that our political opponents are unpatriotic''' or trying to weaken America. '''Democracy grinds to a halt without a willingness to compromise or when even basic facts are contested or when we listen only to those who agree with us. Our public life withers when only the most extreme voices get all the attention. And most of all, democracy breaks down when the average person feels their voice doesn't matter; that the system is rigged in favor of the rich or the powerful or some special interest.''' [...] So, my fellow Americans, '''whatever you may believe, whether you prefer one party or no party,''' whether you supported my agenda or fought as hard as you could against it, '''our collective futures depends on your willingness to uphold your duties as a citizen, to vote, to speak out, to stand up for others, especially the weak, especially the vulnerable, knowing that each of us is only here because somebody somewhere stood up for us.''' We need every American to stay active in our public life and not just during election time so that our public life reflects the goodness and the decency that I see in the American people every single day. ====Remarks to the People of Cuba (March 2016)==== [[File:Hartfordobama.jpg|thumb|We should not fear change, we should embrace it.]] [[File:Suffrage universel 1848.jpg|thumb|The ideals that are the starting point for every revolution find their truest expression in democracy. [...] It gives individuals the capacity to be catalysts to think in new ways, and to reimagine how our society should be, and to make them better.]] [[File:As08-16-2593.jpg|thumb|Sometimes the most important changes start in small places. The tides of history can leave people in conflict and exile and poverty. It takes time for those circumstances to change. But the recognition of a common humanity, the reconciliation of people bound by blood and a belief in one another -- that’s where progress begins.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/03/22/remarks-president-obama-people-cuba Remarks by President Obama to the People of Cuba at Gran Teatro de la Habana in Havana, Cuba on March 22, 2016]</small> * And this is yet another reminder that '''the world must unite, we must be together, regardless of nationality, or race, or faith, in fighting against the scourge of terrorism. We can -- and will -- defeat those who threaten the safety and security of people all around the world.''' * For all of our differences, '''the Cuban and American people share common values in their own lives. A sense of patriotism and a sense of pride -- a lot of pride. A profound love of family. A passion for our children, a commitment to their education. And that's why I believe our grandchildren will look back on this period of isolation as an aberration, as just one chapter in a longer story of family and of friendship. But we cannot, and should not, ignore the very real differences that we have -- about how we organize our governments, our economies, and our societies.''' Cuba has a one-party system; the United States is a multi-party democracy. Cuba has a socialist economic model; the United States is an open market. Cuba has emphasized the role and rights of the state; the United States is founded upon the rights of the individual. * And I've always believed in what Martin Luther King, Jr. called “the fierce urgency of now” -- '''we should not fear change, we should embrace it.''' * And today, I want to share with you my vision of what our future can be. I want the Cuban people -- especially the young people -- to understand why I believe that '''you should look to the future with hope; not the false promise which insists that things are better than they really are, or the blind optimism that says all your problems can go away tomorrow. Hope that is rooted in the future that you can choose and that you can shape, and that you can build for your country.''' * And I can tell you as a friend that '''sustainable prosperity in the 21st century depends upon education, health care, and environmental protection. But it also depends on the free and open exchange of ideas. If you can’t access information online, if you cannot be exposed to different points of view, you will not reach your full potential. And over time, the youth will lose hope.''' * Before 1959, some Americans saw Cuba as something to exploit, ignored poverty, enabled corruption. And since 1959, we’ve been shadow-boxers in this battle of geopolitics and personalities. '''I know the history, but I refuse to be trapped by it.''' * '''I believe that every person should be equal under the law. Every child deserves the dignity that comes with education, and health care and food on the table and a roof over their heads. I believe citizens should be free to speak their mind without fear to organize, and to criticize their government, and to protest peacefully, and that the rule of law should not include arbitrary detentions of people who exercise those rights. I believe that every person should have the freedom to practice their faith peacefully and publicly. And, yes, I believe voters should be able to choose their governments in free and democratic elections. Not everybody agrees with me on this.''' Not everybody agrees with the American people on this. '''But I believe those human rights are universal. I believe they are the rights of the American people, the Cuban people, and people around the world.''' * '''We do have challenges with racial bias -- in our communities, in our criminal justice system, in our society -- the legacy of slavery and segregation. But the fact that we have open debates within America’s own democracy is what allows us to get better.''' In 1959, the year that my father moved to America, it was illegal for him to marry my mother, who was white, in many American states. When I first started school, we were still struggling to desegregate schools across the American South. But '''people organized; they protested; they debated these issues; they challenged government officials. And because of those protests, and because of those debates, and because of popular mobilization, I’m able to stand here today as an African-American and as President of the United States. That was because of the freedoms that were afforded in the United States that we were able to bring about change.''' * '''There’s still enormous problems in our society. But democracy is the way that we solve them. That's how we got health care for more of our people.''' That's how we made enormous gains in women’s rights and gay rights. That's how we address the inequality that concentrates so much wealth at the top of our society. '''Because workers can organize and ordinary people have a voice, American democracy has given our people the opportunity to pursue their dreams and enjoy a high standard of living.''' * '''The ideals that are the starting point for every revolution''' -- America’s revolution, Cuba’s revolution, the liberation movements around the world -- those ideals '''find their truest expression, I believe, in democracy.''' Not because American democracy is perfect, but precisely because we’re not. '''And we -- like every country -- need the space that democracy gives us to change. It gives individuals the capacity to be catalysts to think in new ways, and to reimagine how our society should be, and to make them better.''' * There’s already an evolution taking place inside of Cuba, a generational change. Many suggested that I come here and ask the people of Cuba to tear something down -- but I’m appealing to the young people of Cuba who will lift something up, build something new. * '''Sometimes the most important changes start in small places. The tides of history can leave people in conflict and exile and poverty. It takes time for those circumstances to change. But the recognition of a common humanity, the reconciliation of people bound by blood and a belief in one another -- that’s where progress begins. Understanding, and listening, and forgiveness.''' ====Young Leaders of the Americas Initiative Town Hall (March 2016)==== [[File:Press conference, Havana.jpg|thumb|Engagement and dialogue is more powerful than isolation.]] [[File:John Kennedy, Nikita Khrushchev 1961.jpg|thumb|I think one of the things that's important for bringing about further progress is that we listen to each other and we understand our differences.]] [[File:Obama respondiendo preguntas usina (25987043286).jpg|thumb|[T]he most important position in a democracy is the office of citizen, because if you have citizens who are informed and know about other countries, [...] that ultimately may make us healthier.]] [[File:President Obama Delivers Remarks at the 2016 Chief of Missions Conference (25161568793).jpg|thumb|Don't just think that you elect somebody and then you expect them to solve all your problems and then you just sit back and complain when it doesn't happen. You have to work as a citizen also to provide the leaders the space and the direction to do the right thing. It's just as important for you to challenge ignorance or discrimination or people who are always thinking in terms of war.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/03/23/remarks-president-obama-young-leaders-americas-initiative-town-hall Remarks by President Obama in Young Leaders of the Americas Initiative Town Hall at Usina Del Arte in Buenos Aires, Argentina on March 23, 2016]</small> * I was honored to be the first U.S. President to visit Cuba in almost 90 years. And we still have differences with the Cuban government, but what I said to President Castro is '''we can't be imprisoned by the past. When something doesn't work for 50 years, we have to try something new.''' And I believe that '''engagement and dialogue is more powerful than isolation''', and that the changes that we're making can improve the lives of the Cuban people. * '''I believe that under the surface all people are the same. […] people are all essentially the same. Similar hopes, similar dreams, similar strengths, similar weaknesses. But we're also all bound by history and culture and habits. And so conflicts arise, in part, because of some weaknesses in human nature. When we feel threatened, then we like to strike out against people who are not like us. When change is happening too quickly, and we try to hang on to those things that we think could give us a solid foundation. And sometimes the organizing principles are around issues like race, or religion. When there are times of scarcity, then people can turn on each other.''' And so I don't underestimate the very real challenges that we continue to face, and '''I don't think it is inevitable that the world comes together in a common culture and common understanding. But overall, I am hopeful. And the reason I'm hopeful is, if you look at the trajectory of history, humanity has slowly improved.''' * And '''I think one of the things that's important for bringing about further progress is that we listen to each other and we understand our differences.''' I don't think it's necessary for us to all speak one language, or all have the same foods, or all have the same customs. But I do believe that there are some universal principles that are important. '''I believe that the most important principle is a very simple one''' that is at the heart of most of the world’s great religions, '''which is treat somebody the same way you’d want to be treated. And if you start with that basic premise, then we will continue to make progress. But I also think that in order for us to make progress, we have to have that fellow feeling and we have to combine that with the use of our brains and reason, and our intellect. […] That requires not just a strong heart, but also using our heads. And if we do those two things, then I feel confident that we'll make progress.''' * And so '''you have to be practical in asking yourself how can you achieve the goals of equality and inclusion, but also recognize that the market system produces a lot of wealth and goods and services. And it also gives individuals freedom because they have initiative.''' And so '''you don't have to be rigid in saying it’s either this or that''', you can say -- '''depending on the problem you're trying to solve, depending on the social issues that you're trying to address what works.''' And I think that what '''you’ll find is that the most successful societies, the most successful economies are ones that are rooted in a market-based system, but also recognize that a market does not work by itself. It has to have a social and moral and ethical and community basis, and there has to be inclusion. Otherwise it’s not stable. And it’s up to you -- whether you're in business or in academia or the nonprofit sector, whatever you're doing -- to create new forms that are adapted to the new conditions that we live in today.''' * '''A reason that Presidents can't just solve things right away is because every leader in every country is gathering and expressing a very particular set of interests and history and institutional arrangements.  And those interests oftentimes constrain what a leader can do, even if he or she wants to do it. […] And so what happens''' is, '''is that most politicians are constantly making decisions based on what they're hearing from their various constituencies. And their constituencies -- they want what they want. They don't want to compromise sometimes. They don't want to understand the nuances of things. And then it turns out that in politics, sometimes making somebody afraid of somebody else or creating an enemy is more successful in stirring up passion than trying to say let's understand this other person or these other people. So there are leaders who I think do a better job of focusing on the common good, and there are other leaders who are very narrowly focused on just how do I stay in power. And ultimately, if you're lucky enough to live in a democracy, then part of making sure that your leaders can act well is the citizens, the constituency, have to also be well-informed and be willing to give him or her the room to do things that may not be convenient for you right now, but may actually be the right thing to do.''' * '''[T]he most important position in a democracy''' is not the office of the President. The most important office '''is the office of citizen, because if you have citizens who are informed and know about other countries, and recognize that if we provide foreign aid to some distant country in Africa, that ultimately may make us healthier. And if you have a citizenry that recognizes that even if I have to pay slightly more in taxes — which nobody likes paying taxes -- but if I do, maybe I can provide that young child who lives in a poorer neighborhood an opportunity for a better life. And then because she has a job and a better life, she can pay taxes, and then everybody has more, and the society is better off. If you don't have citizens like that, then you're going to get leaders who think very narrowly and you'll be disappointed.''' So the job — one thing I always tell young people, '''don't just think that you elect somebody and then you expect them to solve all your problems and then you just sit back and complain when it doesn't happen. You have to work as a citizen also to provide the leaders the space and the direction to do the right thing. It's just as important for you to challenge ignorance or discrimination or people who are always thinking in terms of war''' — it's just as important for you to do that as the President because I don't care how good the person, the leader you elect is, if the people want something different. In a democracy, at least, that's what's going to happen. ==== Howard University commencement address (May 2016)==== [[File:Founders Library, Howard University.jpg|thumb|I’d like to offer some suggestions for how young [[leaders]] like you can fulfill your [[destiny]] and shape our collective [[future]] — bend it in the direction of [[justice]] and [[equality]] and [[freedom]].]] :<small> Address at [[w:Howard University|Howard University]], as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/story/2016/05/obamas-howard-commencement-transcript-222931 "Obama's full remarks at Howard University commencement ceremony]", ''Politico'' (7 May 2016)</small> * '''Racism persists. Inequality persists.''' ''Don’t worry — I’m going to get to that.'' But '''I wanted to start, Class of 2016, by opening your eyes to the [[moment]] that you are in. If you had to choose one moment in history in which you could be born, and you didn’t know ahead of time who you were going to be — what nationality, what gender, what race, whether you’d be rich or poor, gay or straight, what faith you'd be born into — you wouldn’t choose 100 years ago. You wouldn’t choose the fifties, or the sixties, or the seventies. You’d choose right [[now]].''' If you had to choose a time to be, in the words of [[Lorraine Hansberry]], “young, gifted, and black” in America, you would choose right now. <br /> '''I tell you all this because it's important to note [[progress]].''' Because to deny how far we’ve come would do a disservice to the cause of justice, to the legions of foot soldiers; to not only the incredibly accomplished individuals who have already been mentioned, but your mothers and your dads, and grandparents and great grandparents, who marched and toiled and suffered and overcame to make this day possible. '''I tell you this not to lull you into complacency, but to spur you into action — because there’s still so much more work to do, so many more miles to travel. And America needs you to gladly, happily take up that work.''' <!-- You all have some work to do. So enjoy the party, because you're going to be busy. <br /> Yes, our economy has recovered from crisis stronger than almost any other in the world. But there are folks of all races who are still hurting — who still can’t find work that pays enough to keep the lights on, who still can’t save for retirement. --> * '''I’d like to offer some suggestions for how young leaders like you can fulfill your destiny and shape our collective future — bend it in the direction of justice and equality and freedom.''' <br /> First of all — and this should not be a problem for this group — '''be confident in your heritage. … Be confident in your blackness. One of the great changes that’s occurred in our country since I was your age is the realization there's no one way to be black.''' Take it from somebody who’s seen both sides of debate about whether I'm black enough. … In the past couple months, I’ve had lunch with the [[Elizabeth I of England|Queen of England]] and hosted [[w:Kendrick Lamar|Kendrick Lamar]] in the Oval Office. There’s no straitjacket, there's no constraints, there's no litmus test for authenticity. * You can create your own style, set your own standard of beauty, embrace your own sexuality. '''Think about an icon we just lost — [[Prince (musician)|Prince]]. He blew up categories. People didn’t know what Prince was doing. … And folks loved him for it. <br /> You need to have the same confidence.''' Or as my daughters tell me all the time, “You be you, Daddy.” … Sometimes Sasha puts a variation on it — "You do you, Daddy." … And because you’re a black person doing whatever it is that you're doing, that makes it a black thing. Feel confident. ==== After the Orlando nightclub shooting (June 2016) ==== * Now, those who were killed and injured here were gunned down by a single killer with a powerful [[assault weapon]]. The motives of this killer may have been different than the mass shooters in [[2012 Aurora shooting|Aurora]] or [[Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting|Newtown]]. But the instruments of death were so similar. And now another 49 innocent people are dead; another 53 are injured; some are still fighting for their lives; some will have wounds that will last a lifetime. We can’t anticipate or catch every single deranged person that may wish to do harm to his neighbors or his friends or his coworkers or strangers. But we can do something about the amount of damage that they do. Unfortunately, our politics have conspired to make it as easy as possible for a terrorist or just a disturbed individual like those in Aurora and Newtown to buy extraordinarily powerful weapons, and they can do so legally. ** In [[w:Orlando, Florida|Orlando]] after the [[w:Orlando nightclub shooting|Orlando nightclub shooting]] ({{cite news |title=President Obama: Orlando Families' Grief Is 'Beyond Description' |magazine=Time |first=Maya |last=Rhodan |date=June 16, 2016 |accessdate=September 2, 2018 |url=http://time.com/4372190/orlando-shooting-barack-obama-joe-biden-grief/}}; {{cite news |title=‘Our hearts are broken, too’: Obama visits survivors of Orlando rampage |first1=Katie |last1=Zezima |first2=Ellen |last2=Nakashima |first3=Mark |last4=Berman |date=June 16, 2016 |accessdate=September 2, 2018 |newspaper=[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]] |url=https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2016/06/16/obama-looks-toward-grieving-orlando-in-visit-as-political-showdowns-expand-after-massacre/}}; {{cite news |title=After meeting with Orlando victims, Obama renews call for gun control |first=Gregory |last=Korte |newspaper=[[w:USA Today|USA Today]] |date=June 16, 2016 |accessdate=September 6, 2018 |url=https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/2016/06/16/obama-biden-visit-orlando-emotional-visit-after-shooting/85973066/}}). ====Memorial Service for Fallen Dallas Police Officers (July 2016)==== [[File:"Colored" drinking fountain from mid-20th century with african-american drinking.jpg|thumb|Race relations have improved dramatically in my lifetime. Those who deny it are dishonoring the struggles that helped us achieve that progress.]] [[File:Black Lives Matter protest, Mall of America, December 2014.jpg|thumb|In the end, it's not about finding policies that work; it’s about forging consensus, and fighting cynicism, and finding the will to make change. Can we do this? Can we find the character, as Americans, to open our hearts to each other? Can we see in each other a common humanity and a shared dignity, and recognize how our different experiences have shaped us?]] [[File:Obama respondiendo preguntas usina (25987043286).jpg|thumb|For all of us, life presents challenges and suffering -- accidents, illnesses, the loss of loved ones. There are times when we are overwhelmed by sudden calamity, natural or manmade. All of us, we make mistakes. And at times we are lost. [...] But we do have control over how we respond to the world. We do have control over how we treat one another. ]] [[File:Auschwitz-hope after terror.jpg|thumb|Hope does not arise by putting our fellow man down; it is found by lifting others up.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/12/remarks-president-memorial-service-fallen-dallas-police-officers Remarks by President Obama at Memorial Service for Fallen Dallas Police Officers at Morton H. Meyerson Symphony Center in Dallas, Texas on July 12, 2016] in response to the [[w:2016 shooting of Dallas police officers|2016 shooting of Dallas police officers]]</small> * '''Scripture tells us that in our sufferings there is glory, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. Sometimes the truths of these words are hard to see. Right now, those words test us. Because [[w:2016 shooting of Dallas police officers|the people of Dallas, people across the country, are suffering]].''' * No, '''the reward comes in knowing that our entire way of life in America depends on the rule of law'''; that '''the maintenance of that law is a hard and daily labor'''; that '''in this country, we don’t have soldiers in the streets or militias setting the rules. Instead, we have public servants -- police officers -- like the men who were taken away from us.''' * First, [[w:Shooting of Alton Sterling|the shootings in Minnesota]] and [[w:Shooting of Philando Castile|Baton Rouge]], and the protests, then the targeting of police by the shooter here -- an act not just of demented violence but of racial hatred. All of it has left us wounded, and angry, and hurt. It’s as if the deepest fault lines of our democracy have suddenly been exposed, perhaps even widened. And although we know that such divisions are not new -- though they have surely been worse in even the recent past -- that offers us little comfort. * '''Faced with''' this '''violence, we wonder if the divides of race in America can ever be bridged. We wonder if an African-American community that feels unfairly targeted by police, and police departments that feel unfairly maligned for doing their jobs, can ever understand each other’s experience. We turn on the TV or surf the Internet, and we can watch positions harden and lines drawn, and people retreat to their respective corners, and politicians calculate how to grab attention or avoid the fallout. We see all this, and it’s hard not to think sometimes that the center won't hold and that things might get worse. I understand how Americans are feeling. But''', Dallas, '''I’m here to say we must reject such despair. I’m here to insist that we are not as divided as we seem. And I know that because I know America. I know how far we’ve come against impossible odds. I know we’ll make it because of what I’ve experienced in my own life, what I’ve seen of this country and its people -- their goodness and decency --as President of the United States. [...] I see what's possible when we recognize that we are one American family, all deserving of equal treatment, all deserving of equal respect, all children of God. That’s the America that I know.''' * '''I've seen how a spirit of unity, born of tragedy, can gradually dissipate, overtaken by the return to business as usual, by inertia and old habits and expediency. I see how easily we slip back into our old notions, because they’re comfortable, we’re used to them. I’ve seen how inadequate words can be in bringing about lasting change.''' I’ve seen how inadequate my own words have been. And so I’m reminded of a passage in *John’s Gospel [First John]: Let us love not with words or speech, but with actions and in truth. '''If we’re to sustain the unity we need to get through these difficult times,''' if we are to honor these five outstanding officers who we’ve lost, '''then we will need to act on the truths that we know. And that’s not easy. It makes us uncomfortable. But we’re going to have to be honest with each other and ourselves.''' * '''We know that the overwhelming majority of police officers do an incredibly hard and dangerous job fairly and professionally. They are deserving of our respect and not our scorn. And when anyone, no matter how good their intentions may be, paints all police as biased or bigoted, we undermine those officers we depend on for our safety. And as for those who use rhetoric suggesting harm to police, even if they don’t act on it themselves -- well, they not only make the jobs of police officers even more dangerous, but they do a disservice to the very cause of justice that they claim to promote.''' * We also know that '''centuries of racial discrimination -- of [[slavery]], and [[w:Racial segregation in the United States|subjugation]], and [[w:Jim Crow laws|Jim Crow]] -- they didn’t simply vanish with the end of lawful segregation. They didn’t just stop when [[Martin Luther King, Jr.#I_Have_A_Dream_.281963.29|Dr. King made a speech]], or the [[w:Voting Rights Act of 1965|Voting Rights Act]] and the [[w:Civil Rights Act of 1964|Civil Rights Act]] were signed. Race relations have improved dramatically in my lifetime. Those who deny it are dishonoring the struggles that helped us achieve that progress. But we know -- but, America, we know that bias remains. We know it. Whether you are black or white or Hispanic or Asian or Native American or of Middle Eastern descent, we have all seen this bigotry in our own lives at some point. [...] Although most of us do our best to guard against it and teach our children better, none of us is entirely innocent. No institution is entirely immune.''' And so when African Americans from all walks of life, from different communities across the country, voice a growing despair over what they perceive to be unequal treatment; when study after study shows that whites and people of color experience the criminal justice system differently, so that if you’re black you’re more likely to be pulled over or searched or arrested, more likely to get longer sentences, more likely to get the death penalty for the same crime; when mothers and fathers raise their kids right and have “the talk” about how to respond if stopped by a police officer -- “yes, sir,” “no, sir” -- but still fear that something terrible may happen when their child walks out the door, still fear that kids being stupid and not quite doing things right might end in tragedy -- '''when all this takes place more than 50 years after the passage of the Civil Rights Act, we cannot simply turn away and dismiss those in peaceful protest as troublemakers or paranoid. We can’t simply dismiss it as a symptom of political correctness or reverse racism. To have your experience denied like that, dismissed by those in authority, dismissed perhaps even by your white friends and coworkers and fellow church members again and again and again -- it hurts. Surely we can see that, all of us.''' * [S]o much of the tensions between police departments and minority communities that they serve is because we ask the police to do too much and we ask too little of ourselves. As a society, we choose to underinvest in decent schools. We allow poverty to fester so that entire neighborhoods offer no prospect for gainful employment. We refuse to fund drug treatment and mental health programs. We flood communities with so many guns that it is easier for a teenager to buy a [[Glock]] than get his hands on a computer or even a book and then we tell the police “you’re a social worker, you’re the parent, you’re the teacher, you’re the drug counselor.” We tell them to keep those neighborhoods in check at all costs, and do so without causing any political blowback or inconvenience. Don’t make a mistake that might disturb our own peace of mind. And then we feign surprise when, periodically, the tensions boil over. We know these things to be true. They’ve been true for a long time. [...] '''And if we cannot even talk about these things -- if we cannot talk honestly and openly not just in the comfort of our own circles, but with those who look different than us or bring a different perspective, then we will never break this dangerous cycle.''' * '''In the end, it's not about finding policies that work; it’s about forging consensus, and fighting cynicism, and finding the will to make change. Can we do this? Can we find the character, as Americans, to open our hearts to each other? Can we see in each other a common humanity and a shared dignity, and recognize how our different experiences have shaped us?''' And it doesn’t make anybody perfectly good or perfectly bad, it just makes us human. * That’s what '''we must pray for''', each of us: '''a new heart. Not a heart of stone, but a heart open to the fears and hopes and challenges of our fellow citizens. [...] Because with an open heart, we can learn to stand in each other’s shoes and look at the world through each other’s eyes, so that maybe the police officer sees his own son in that teenager with a hoodie who's kind of goofing off but not dangerous and the teenager -- maybe the teenager will see in the police officer the same words and values and authority of his parents. With an open heart, we can abandon the overheated rhetoric and the oversimplification that reduces whole categories of our fellow Americans not just to opponents, but to enemies. With an open heart, those protesting for change will guard against reckless language going forward, look at the model set by the five officers we mourn today, acknowledge the progress brought about by the sincere efforts of police departments like this one in Dallas, and embark on the hard but necessary work of negotiation, the pursuit of reconciliation. With an open heart, police departments will acknowledge that, just like the rest of us, they are not perfect; that insisting we do better to root out racial bias is not an attack on cops, but an effort to live up to our highest ideals. [...] With an open heart, we can worry less about which side has been wronged, and worry more about joining sides to do right. [...] We can decide to come together and make our country reflect the good inside us, the hopes and simple dreams we share.''' * '''For all of us, life presents challenges and suffering -- accidents, illnesses, the loss of loved ones. There are times when we are overwhelmed by sudden calamity, natural or manmade. All of us, we make mistakes. And at times we are lost. And as we get older, we learn we don’t always have control of things''' -- not even a President does. '''But we do have control over how we respond to the world. We do have control over how we treat one another.''' * '''America does not ask us to be perfect. Precisely because of our individual imperfections, our founders gave us institutions to guard against tyranny and ensure no one is above the law; a democracy that gives us the space to work through our differences and debate them peacefully, to make things better, even if it doesn’t always happen as fast as we’d like. America gives us the capacity to change.''' * '''Only by working together can we preserve those institutions of family and community, rights and responsibilities, law and self-government that is the hallmark of this nation. For, it turns out, we do not persevere alone. Our character is not found in isolation. Hope does not arise by putting our fellow man down; it is found by lifting others up.''' ====Statement on the Shootings in Baton Rouge (July 2016)==== [[File:US 33 Star Fort Sumter Flag.svg|thumb|Only we can prove, through words and through deeds, that we will not be divided. And we’re going to have to keep on doing it “again and again and again.” That’s how this country gets united. That’s how we bring people of good will together. Only we can prove that we have the grace and the character and the common humanity to end this kind of senseless violence, to reduce fear and mistrust within the American family, to set an example for our children.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/17/statement-president-shootings-baton-rouge-louisiana Statement by President Obama on the Shootings in Baton Rouge, Louisiana in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room at the White House in Washington, D.C. on July 17, 2016] in response to the [[w:2016 shooting of Baton Rouge police officers|2016 shooting of Baton Rouge police officers]]</small> * Five days ago, I traveled to Dallas for the memorial service of the officers who were slain there. '''I said that that killer would not be the last person who tries to make us turn on each other. Nor will today’s killer. It remains up to us to make sure that they fail. That decision is all of ours. The decision to make sure that our best selves are reflected across America, not our worst -- that’s up to us.''' * '''We have our divisions, and they are not new. Around-the-clock news cycles and social media sometimes amplify these divisions''', and I know we’re about to enter a couple of weeks of conventions where our political rhetoric tends to be more overheated than usual. '''And that is why it is so important that everyone -- regardless of race or political party or profession, regardless of what organizations you are a part of -- everyone right now focus on words and actions that can unite this country rather than divide it further. We don’t need inflammatory rhetoric. We don’t need careless accusations thrown around to score political points or to advance an agenda. We need to temper our words and open our hearts -- all of us. We need what we saw in Dallas this week, as a community came together to restore order and deepen unity and understanding. We need the kind of efforts we saw this week in meetings between community leaders and police -- some of which I participated in -- where I saw people of good will pledge to work together to reduce violence throughout all of our communities. That’s what’s needed right now. And it is up to all of us to make sure we are part of the solution and not part of the problem.''' * '''Someone once wrote, “A bullet need happen only once, but for peace to work we need to be reminded of its existence again and again and again.”''' My fellow Americans, '''only we can prove, through words and through deeds, that we will not be divided. And we’re going to have to keep on doing it “again and again and again.” That’s how this country gets united. That’s how we bring people of good will together. Only we can prove that we have the grace and the character and the common humanity to end this kind of senseless violence, to reduce fear and mistrust within the American family, to set an example for our children.''' That’s who we are, and that’s who we always have the capacity to be. And that’s the best way for us to honor the sacrifice of the brave police officers who were taken from us this morning. ==== DNC Address (July 2016)==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/07/28/remarks-president-democratic-national-convention "Remarks by the President at the Democratic National Convention" (28 July 2016)]</small> [[File:Barack Obama DNC July 2016.jpg|thumb| I am more [[optimistic]] about the [[future]] of [[America]] than ever before.]] [[File:DNC 2016 - Barack Obama 1 (cropped1).jpg|thumb|What we heard in Cleveland last week wasn’t particularly [[Republican]] — and it sure wasn’t [[conservative]]. What we heard was a deeply [[pessimistic]] [[vision]] of a country where we turn against each other, and turn away from the rest of the [[world]].]] [[File:Obama in Situation Room.jpg|thumb|I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman — not me, not Bill, nobody — more qualified than [[Hillary Clinton]] to serve as president of the United States of America.]] [[File:DNC 2016 - Barack Obama 2.jpeg|thumb| We're not a frightful people. Our power doesn’t come from some self-declared savior promising that he alone can restore order as long as we do things his way. We don’t look to be ruled.]] [[File:Obama Stump Speech - cropped.jpg|thumb|Anyone who threatens our values, whether fascists or communists or jihadists or homegrown demagogues, will always fail in the end.]] [[File:President Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton Hug July 2016.jpg|thumb| We don’t fear the future; we shape it. We embrace it, as one people, stronger together than we are on our own.]] [[File:Obama waves at 2016 DNC.jpg|thumb|I’m ready to pass the baton and do my part as a private citizen. So this year, in this election, I’m asking you to join me — to reject cynicism and reject fear, and to summon what is best in us; to elect Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States, and show the world we still believe in the promise of this great nation.]] * '''A lot has happened over the years. And while this nation has been tested by war, and it's been tested by recession and all manner of challenges — I stand before you again tonight, after almost two terms as your president, to tell you I am more optimistic about the future of America than ever before.''' <br /> How could I not be — after all that we’ve achieved together? After the worst recession in 80 years, we fought our way back. * I’m here to tell you that, yes, we’ve still got more work to do. More work to do for every American still in need of a good job or a raise, paid leave or a decent retirement; for every child who needs a sturdier ladder out of poverty or a world-class education; for everyone who has not yet felt the progress of these past seven and a half years. We need to keep making our streets safer and our criminal justice system fairer — our homeland more secure, our world more peaceful and sustainable for the next generation. We’re not done perfecting our union, or living up to our founding creed that all of us are created equal; all of us are free in the eyes of God. * '''I think it's fair to say, this is not your typical election. It’s not just a choice between parties or policies; the usual debates between left and right. This is a more fundamental choice — about who we are as a people, and whether we stay true to this great American experiment in self-government.''' <br /> Look, we Democrats have always had plenty of differences with the Republican Party, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s precisely this contest of idea that pushes our country forward. '''But what we heard in Cleveland last week wasn’t particularly Republican — and it sure wasn’t conservative. What we heard was a deeply pessimistic vision of a country where we turn against each other, and turn away from the rest of the world.''' There were no serious solutions to pressing problems — just the fanning of resentment, and blame, and anger, and hate. <br /> '''And that is not the America I know. The America I know is full of courage, and optimism, and ingenuity. The America I know is decent and generous.''' * I’ve rejoiced with you and mourned with you, what I have also seen, more than anything, is what is right with America. I see people working hard and starting businesses. I see people teaching kids and serving our country. I see engineers inventing stuff, doctors coming up with new cures. I see a younger generation full of energy and new ideas, not constrained by what is, ready to seize what ought to be. <br /> And most of all, I see Americans of every party, every background, every faith who believe that we are stronger together — black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American; young, old; gay, straight; men, women, folks with disabilities, all pledging allegiance, under the same proud flag, to this big, bold country that we love. That's what I see. That's the America I know! * You know, nothing truly prepares you for the demands of the Oval Office. You can read about it. You can study it. But until you’ve sat at that desk, you don’t know what it’s like to manage a global crisis, or send young people to war. But Hillary has been in the room; she’s been part of those decisions. She knows what’s at stake in the decisions our government makes — what’s at stake for the working family, for the senior citizen, or the small business owner, for the soldier, for the veteran. And even in the midst of crisis, she listens to people, and she keeps her cool, and she treats everybody with respect. And no matter how daunting the odds, no matter how much people try to knock her down, she never, ever quits. <br /> That is the Hillary I know. That’s the Hillary I’ve come to admire. And that’s why '''I can say with confidence there has never been a man or a woman — not me, not Bill, nobody — more qualified than [[Hillary Clinton]] to serve as president of the United States of America.''' * You know, [[Donald Trump|the Donald]] is not really a plans guy. He’s not really a facts guy, either. He calls himself a business guy, which is true, but I have to say, I know plenty of businessmen and women who’ve achieved remarkable success without leaving a trail of lawsuits, and unpaid workers, and people feeling like they got cheated. <br /> '''Does anyone really believe that a guy who’s spent his 70 years on this Earth showing no regard for working people is suddenly going to be your champion? Your voice?''' <br /> If so, you should vote for him. But if you’re someone who’s truly concerned about paying your bills, if you're really concerned about pocketbook issues and seeing the economy grow, and creating more opportunity for everybody, then the choice isn’t even close. If you want someone with a lifelong track record of fighting for higher wages, and better benefits, and a fairer tax code, and a bigger voice for workers, and stronger regulations on Wall Street, then you should vote for Hillary Clinton. * [[Hillary Clinton]] is respected around the world — not just by leaders, but by the people they serve. <br /> I have to say this. People outside of the United States do not understand what’s going on in this election. They really don't. Because they know Hillary. They’ve seen her work. She’s worked closely with our intelligence teams, our diplomats, our military. She has the judgment and the experience and the temperament to meet the threat from terrorism. It’s not new to her. Our troops have pounded ISIL without mercy, taking out their leaders, taking back territory. And I know Hillary won’t relent until ISIL is destroyed. She will finish the job. And she will do it without resorting to torture, or banning entire religions from entering our country. She is fit and she is ready to be the next commander-in-chief. * [[Donald Trump]] calls our military a disaster. Apparently, he doesn’t know the men and women who make up the strongest fighting force the world has ever known. He suggests America is weak. He must not hear the billions of men and women and children, from the Baltics to Burma, who still look to America to be the light of freedom and dignity and human rights. He cozies up to Putin, praises Saddam Hussein, tells our NATO allies that stood by our side after 9/11 that they have to pay up if they want our protection. <br /> Well, America’s promises do not come with a price tag. We meet our commitments. We bear our burdens. That’s one of the reasons why almost every country on Earth sees America as stronger and more respected today than they did eight years ago when I took office. * '''America is already great. America is already strong. And I promise you, our strength, our greatness, does not depend on Donald Trump.''' In fact, it doesn’t depend on any one person. And that, in the end, may be the biggest difference in this election — the meaning of our democracy. <br /> [[Ronald Reagan]] called America “a shining city on a hill.” Donald Trump calls it “a divided crime scene” that only he can fix. It doesn’t matter to him that illegal immigration and the crime rate are as low as they’ve been in decades — (applause) — because he’s not actually offering any real solutions to those issues. He’s just offering slogans, and he’s offering fear. He’s betting that if he scares enough people, he might score just enough votes to win this election. <br /> And that's another bet that Donald Trump will lose. And the reason he'll lose it is because he’s selling the American people short. '''We're not a fragile people. We're not a frightful people. Our power doesn’t come from some self-declared savior promising that he alone can restore order as long as we do things his way. We don’t look to be ruled. Our power comes from those immortal declarations first put to paper right here in Philadelphia all those years ago: We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that We the People, can form a more perfect union.''' <br /> That's who we are. That’s our birthright — the capacity to shape our own destiny. * '''Hillary has got her share of critics. She has been caricatured by the right and by some on the left.''' She has been accused of everything you can imagine — and some things that you cannot. But she knows that’s what happens when you’re under a microscope for 40 years. She knows that sometimes during those 40 years she’s made mistakes — just like I have; just like we all do. That’s what happens when we try. That’s what happens when you’re the kind of citizen [[Teddy Roosevelt]] once described — not the timid souls who criticize from the sidelines, but someone “who is actually in the arena…who strives valiantly; who errs…but who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement.” <br /> Hillary Clinton is that woman in the arena. She’s been there for us — even if we haven’t always noticed. And if you’re serious about our democracy, you can’t afford to stay home just because she might not align with you on every issue. You’ve got to get in the arena with her, because democracy isn’t a spectator sport. America isn’t about “yes, he will.” It’s about “yes, we can.” And we’re going to carry Hillary to victory this fall, because that’s what the moment demands. ''['''Audience''': Yes, we can! Yes, we can! Yes, we can!]'' '''Yes, we can. Not "yes, she can." Not "yes, I can." "Yes, we can." ''' * You know, there’s been a lot of talk in this campaign about what America has lost — people who tell us that our way of life is being undermined by pernicious changes and dark forces beyond our control. They tell voters there’s a “real America” out there that must be restored. This isn’t an idea, by the way, that started with Donald Trump. It’s been peddled by politicians for a long time — probably from the start of our Republic. <br /> And it’s got me thinking about the story I told you 12 years ago tonight, about my Kansas grandparents and the things they taught me when I was growing up. See, my grandparents, they came from the heartland. Their ancestors began settling there about 200 years ago. I don’t know if they have their birth certificates — but they were there. They were Scotch-Irish mostly — farmers, teachers, ranch hands, pharmacists, oil rig workers.  Hardy, small town folks.  Some were Democrats, but a lot of them — maybe even most of them — were Republicans.  Party of [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]]. <br /> And '''my grandparents''' explained that folks in these parts, they didn’t like show-offs.  They didn’t admire braggarts or bullies. They didn’t respect mean-spiritedness, or folks who were always looking for shortcuts in life. Instead, what they '''valued''' were '''traits like honesty and hard work, kindness, courtesy, humility, responsibility, helping each other out.''' That’s what they believed in. True things. Things that last. The things we try to teach our kids.   * '''America has changed over the years. But these values that my grandparents taught me — they haven’t gone anywhere. They’re as strong as ever, still cherished by people of every party, every race, every faith. They live on in each of us.''' What makes us American, what makes us patriots is what’s in here. That’s what matters. … And that’s why we can take the food and music and holidays and styles of other countries, and blend it into something uniquely our own. That’s why we can attract strivers and entrepreneurs from around the globe to build new factories and create new industries here. '''That’s why our military can look the way it does — every shade of humanity, forged into common service. That’s why anyone who threatens our values, whether fascists or communists or jihadists or homegrown demagogues, will always fail in the end.''' <br /> That is America. That is America. Those bonds of affection; that common creed. '''We don’t fear the future; we shape it. We embrace it, as one people, stronger together than we are on our own.''' * That’s what Hillary Clinton understands — this fighter, this stateswoman, this mother and grandmother, this public servant, this patriot — that’s the America she’s fighting for. <br /> And that is why I have confidence, as I leave this stage tonight, that the Democratic Party is in good hands. My time in this office, it hasn’t fixed everything. '''As much as we’ve done, there’s still so much I want to do. But for all the tough lessons I’ve had to learn, for all the places where I’ve fallen short — I’ve told Hillary, and I’ll tell you, what’s picked me back up every single time: It’s been you. The American people.''' * '''Time and again, you’ve picked me up. And I hope, sometimes, I picked you up, too. And tonight, I ask you to do for Hillary Clinton what you did for me.''' I ask you to carry her the same way you carried me. Because you're who I was talking about 12 years ago when I talked about hope. It’s been you who fueled my dogged faith in our future, even when the odds were great; even when the road is long. Hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. The audacity of hope. <br /> America, you've vindicated that hope these past eight years. And now I’m ready to pass the baton and do my part as a private citizen. So this year, in this election, I’m asking you to join me — to reject cynicism and reject fear, and to summon what is best in us; to elect Hillary Clinton as the next President of the United States, and show the world we still believe in the promise of this great nation. ==== {{w|Disabled American Veterans}} Convention (August 2016) ==== [[File:Marines in Saddams palace DM-SD-04-12222.jpg|thumb|No war should ever be forgotten and no veteran should ever be overlooked.]] [[File:C-17 Medevac mission, Balad AB, Iraq.jpg|thumb|We have to end any shame or stigma that comes with going and getting help. ... We’re one team. One American family. When any member of our family is suffering, we’ve got to be there for each other. ... We have to keep on uniting as one team. As one people. As one nation.]] <small>[http://www.dailykos.com/story/2016/08/01/1555430/-Transcript-of-President-Obama-s-remarks-at-Disabled-American-Veterans-convention Transcript Remarks at 95th National Convention for Disabled American Veterans at Hyatt Regency in Atlanta, Georgia (August 01, 2016)]</small> * And we shared the story of Korean War veteran Dick Shank, who made it home to that baby boy, and lived out his life -- at 84 years old, he was still roller skating -- because '''no war should ever be forgotten and no veteran should ever be overlooked.''' * To all of you [[w:War in Afghanistan (2001–2014)|who served in Afghanistan]], you can take enormous pride in the progress you helped achieve: Driving al Qaeda out of its camps. Toppling the Taliban. Delivering justice to Osama bin Laden. Helping Afghans improve their lives. There are millions of boys and girls in school, and democratic elections and a democratic government. Training Afghan forces to take responsibility for their own security so that we are no longer engaged in a major ground war in Afghanistan. That is your legacy. And today we salute our forces serving there on a more limited mission -- supporting Afghan forces, going after terrorists -- because we must never allow Afghanistan to be used as a safe haven for terrorists to attack our nation again. * To all of you [[w:Iraq War|who served in Iraq]], we saw your heroism in pushing out a dictator whose brutality must be condemned, never praised. In defeating an insurgency. In giving the Iraqi people a chance. And no matter what has happened since, your valor in the deserts, in fierce urban combat, will be honored in the annals of military history. * Let me say something else about this generation. '''As Commander-in-Chief, I’m pretty tired of some folks trash-talking America’s military and troops.''' * America’s Army is the best-trained, best-equipped land force on the planet. Our Navy is the largest and most lethal in the world. The precision of, and reach of, our Air Force is unmatched. Our Marines are the world’s only truly expeditionary force. We have the world’s finest Coast Guard. We have the most capable fighting force in history -- and we’re going to keep it that way. * No ally or adversary should ever doubt our strength and our resolve. * We will keep pounding ISIL and taking out their leaders, and pushing them back on the ground. And united with a global coalition, we will destroy this barbaric terrorist group. They will be destroyed. * In the face of Russian aggression, we’re not going to turn our back to our allies in Europe. We’re going to stay united in NATO, which is the world’s strongest alliance. * From the Asia Pacific to Africa to the Americas, the United States and our armed forces will remain the greatest force for freedom and security and peace that the world has ever known. That is your legacy. That is what we have to protect, and that is what we have to defend. * '''No one -- no one -- has given more for our freedom and our security than our Gold Star families. ... They represent the very best of our country. They continue to inspire us every day, every moment. They serve as a powerful reminder of the true strength of America. We have to do everything we can for those families, and honor them, and be humbled by them.''' * We believe in taking care of each other, and in lifting each other up, and leaving no one behind, and in meeting the collective responsibilities that we can only meet together: The security of our nation. The education for our children. Dignity for our seniors. Equal rights for all of our citizens. Health care -- which is now a right for everybody. And the care and well-being of our veterans and your families. That is a responsibility for all of us, not just a few. We all have to do our part. * '''Our commitment to our veterans is a sacred covenant.''' ... It is sacred because there's no more solemn request than to ask someone to risk their life, to be ready to give their life on our behalf. It's a covenant because both sides have responsibilities. Those who put on the uniform, you took an oath to protect and defend us. While the rest of us, the citizens you kept safe, we pledged to take care of you and your families when you come home. That's a sacred covenant. That's a solemn promise that we make to each other. And it is binding. And upholding it is a moral imperative. ... If there’s ever a breach in the covenant, then leaders in this country have to work hard to regain trust. ... And when we take care of each other and uphold that sacred covenant, there is nothing we cannot do. * We need to keep improving mental health care. I’ll never forget the soldiers I met at Fort Bliss. They were proud of their service, but they were struggling with issues like post-traumatic stress. So, for veterans with PTS, we made it easier for you to qualify for the VA care that you need -- no matter when you served. We’ve increased funding for veterans mental health care by more than 75 percent -- billions more dollars. '''More awareness and outreach -- because we have to end any shame or stigma that comes with going and getting help.''' * '''We’re one team. One American family. When any member of our family is suffering, we’ve got to be there for each other. ... We have to keep on uniting as one team. As one people. As one nation.''' ==== Upholding the Legacy of Those We Lost on September 11th (September 2016) ==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/10/weekly-address-upholding-legacy-those-we-lost-september-11th "Weekly Address: Upholding the Legacy of Those We Lost on September 11th" (9 September 2016)]</small> * Terrorists will never be able to defeat the United States. Their only hope is to terrorize us into changing who we are or our way of life. That’s why we Americans will never give in to fear. And it’s why this weekend we remember the true spirit of 9/11. We’re still the America of heroes who ran into harm’s way; of ordinary folks who took down the hijackers; of families who turned their pain into hope. We are still the America that looks out for one another, bound by our shared belief that I am my brother’s keeper, I am my sister’s keeper. <br /> In the face of terrorism, how we respond matters. We cannot give in to those who would divide us. We cannot react in ways that erode the fabric of our society. Because it’s our diversity, our welcoming of all talent, our treating of everybody fairly — no matter their race, gender, ethnicity, or faith — that’s part of what makes our country great. It’s what makes us resilient. And if we stay true to those values, we’ll uphold the legacy of those we’ve lost, and keep our nation strong and free. <br /> God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. ==== United Nations Address (September 2016) ==== [[File:Winken ueber die Berliner Mauer.jpg|thumb|A nation ringed by walls would only imprison itself.]] [[File:28 - New York - Octobre 2008.jpg|thumb|A world in which one percent of humanity controls as much wealth as the other 99 percent will never be stable.]] [[File:DDR wall peekaboo.jpg|thumb|A society that asks less of oligarchs than ordinary citizens will rot from within.]] [[File:Edward Armitage - Julian the Apostate presiding at a conference of sectarian - 1875.jpg|thumb|The cure for what ails our democracies is greater engagement by our citizens -- not less.]] [[File:Earth (15060877499).jpg|thumb|Our identities do not have to be defined by putting someone else down, but can be enhanced by lifting somebody else up. They don’t have to be defined in opposition to others, but rather by a belief in liberty and equality and justice and fairness.]] :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2016/09/20/address-president-obama-71st-session-united-nations-general-assembly Address by President Obama to the 71st Session of the United Nations General Assembly at The United Nationsin New York City, New York] (20 September 2016)</small> * Today, '''a nation ringed by walls would only imprison itself.''' * '''A world in which one percent of humanity controls as much wealth as the other 99 percent will never be stable.''' I understand that the gaps between rich and poor are not new, but '''just as the child in a slum today can see the skyscraper nearby, technology now allows any person with a smartphone to see how the most privileged among us live and the contrast between their own lives and others. Expectations rise, then, faster than governments can deliver, and a pervasive sense of injustice undermine people’s faith in the system.''' [...] economies are more successful when we close the gap between rich and poor, and growth is broadly based. And that means respecting the rights of workers so they can organize into independent unions and earn a living wage. It means investing in our people -- their skills, their education, their capacity to take an idea and turn it into a business. It means strengthening the safety net that protects our people from hardship and allows them to take more risks -- to look for a new job, or start a new venture. * That’s why we’ve worked with other nations to create higher and clearer standards for banking and taxation -- because '''a society that asks less of oligarchs than ordinary citizens will rot from within.''' That’s why we’ve pushed for transparency and cooperation in rooting out corruption, and tracking illicit dollars, because '''markets create more jobs when they're fueled by hard work, and not the capacity to extort a bribe.''' * In countries held together by borders drawn by colonial powers, with ethnic enclaves and tribal divisions, politics and elections can sometimes appear to be a zero-sum game. And so, '''given the difficulty in forging true democracy in the face of these pressures, it’s no surprise that some argue the future favors the strongman, a top-down model, rather than strong, democratic institutions.''' [...] I believe the road of true democracy remains the better path. I believe that in the 21st century, '''economies can only grow to a certain point until they need to open up -- because entrepreneurs need to access information in order to invent; young people need a global education in order to thrive; independent media needs to check the abuses of power. Without this evolution, ultimately expectations of people will not be met; suppression and stagnation will set in. And history shows that strongmen are then left with two paths -- permanent crackdown, which sparks strife at home, or scapegoating enemies abroad, which can lead to war.''' * So '''those of us who believe in democracy, we need to speak out forcefully, because both the facts and history''', I believe, '''are on our side.''' That doesn’t mean democracies are without flaws. It does mean that '''the cure for what ails our democracies is greater engagement by our citizens -- not less.''' * Now, there’s no easy answer for resolving all these social forces, and '''we must respect the meaning that people draw from their own traditions -- from their religion, from their ethnicity, from their sense of nationhood. But I do not believe progress is possible if our desire to preserve our identities gives way to an impulse to dehumanize or dominate another group. If our religion leads us to persecute those of another faith, if we jail or beat people who are gay, if our traditions lead us to prevent girls from going to school, if we discriminate on the basis of race or tribe or ethnicity, then the fragile bonds of civilization will fray. The world is too small, we are too packed together, for us to be able to resort to those old ways of thinking.''' * '''We cannot escape the prospect of nuclear war unless we all commit to stopping the spread of nuclear weapons and pursuing a world without them.''' * Sometimes I'm criticized in my own country for professing a belief in international norms and multilateral institutions. But I am convinced that in the long run, '''giving up some freedom of action''' – not giving up our ability to protect ourselves or pursue our core interests, but '''binding ourselves to international rules over the long term – enhances our security.''' * But '''we have to follow through, even when the politics are hard. Because in the eyes of innocent men and women and children who, through no fault of their own, have had to flee everything that they know, everything that they love, we have to have the empathy to see ourselves. We have to imagine what it would be like for our family, for our children, if the unspeakable happened to us. And we should all understand that, ultimately, our world will be more secure if we are prepared to help those in need and the nations who are carrying the largest burden with respect to accommodating these refugees.''' * And in my own life, in this country, and as President, I have learned that '''our identities do not have to be defined by putting someone else down, but can be enhanced by lifting somebody else up. They don’t have to be defined in opposition to others, but rather by a belief in liberty and equality and justice and fairness.''' [...] But '''my faith in those principles does force me to expand my moral imagination and to recognize that I can best serve my own people, I can best look after my own daughters, by making sure that my actions seek what is right for all people and all children, and your daughters and your sons.''' ====Presidential transition of Donald Trump (November 2016)==== :<small>[https://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2016/11/10/president-obama-meets-president-elect-trump Source: 2016-10-10 White House Video "President Obama Meets With President-Elect Trump"]</small> * Well, I just had the opportunity to have an excellent conversation with President-elect Trump. It was wide-ranging. We talked about some of the organizational issues in setting up a White House. We talked about foreign policy. We talked about domestic policy. *And as I said last night, my number one priority in the coming two months is to try to facilitate a transition that ensures our president-elect is successful. *And I had been very encouraged by the, I think, interest in President-elect Trump’s wanting to work with my team around many of the issues that this great country faces. And I believe that it is important for all of us, regardless of party and regardless of political preferences, to now come together, work together to deal with the many challenges that we face. *And in the meantime, Michelle has had a chance to greet the incoming First Lady. And we had an excellent conversation with her as well. And we want to make sure that they feel welcome as they prepare to make this transition. *And most of all, I want to emphasize to you, Mr. President-elect, that we now are going to want to do everything we can to help you succeed, because if you succeed, then the country succeeds. ====News Conference With Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany (November 2016)==== [[File:Barack Obama sitting at the Resolute desk 2009.jpg|thumb|There’s something about [[w:Executive Office of the President|the solemn responsibilities of that office]], the extraordinary demands that are placed on the United States -- not just by its own people but by people around the world -- that forces you to focus, that demands seriousness. And if you’re not serious about the job, then you probably won’t be there very long because it will expose problems. [...] The demands and responsibilities of a U.S. President are not ones that you can treat casually, and [..] in a big, complex, diverse country, the only way that you can be successful is by listening and reaching out and working with a wide variety of people. ]] :<small>[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=119653&st=&st1= Source: Barack Obama: "''The President's News Conference With Chancellor Angela Merkel of Germany in Berlin, Germany''," November 17, 2016. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, ''The American Presidency Projec''t.]</small> * '''But as long as we stay true to our democratic principles, as long as elections have integrity, as long as we respect freedom of speech, freedom of religion, as long as there are checks and balances in our governments so that the people have the ability to not just make judgments about how well government is serving them but also change governments if they're not serving them well -- then I have confidence that over the long term, progress will continue.''' * '''You cannot purchase people’s consent through killing them.''' * There were times where I was in the Oval Office and people would come to me with all kinds of political problems and policy problems and international problems, and my team would be getting discouraged and depressed, and I would say to them, I have to be optimistic, because the odds of somebody named Barack Obama being President of the United States were very low, and the fact that, in my lifetime, I have seen such enormous, positive change in the United States and around the world tells me that, '''although history does not travel in a straight line, it moves in the direction of justice and freedom and a better life for people. But we have to fight for it. We have to work for it.''' * What makes me cautiously optimistic about [[Donald Trump|my successor]] and the shift from campaign mode to governance is '''there’s something about [[w:Executive Office of the President|the solemn responsibilities of that office]], the extraordinary demands that are placed on the United States -- not just by its own people but by people around the world -- that forces you to focus, that demands seriousness. And if you’re not serious about the job, then you probably won’t be there very long because it will expose problems. Even when you’re doing a job, even when you are attentive, there are so many things that come across your desk that people are going to question you, and you’re going to have opponents and you’re going to have critics, and you figure that out pretty fast when you’re sitting there.'''  And I think the President-elect is going to see fairly quickly that '''the demands and responsibilities of a U.S. President are not ones that you can treat casually, and''' that '''in a big, complex, diverse country, the only way that you can be successful is by listening and reaching out and working with a wide variety of people.''' ===2017=== [[File:58th Presidential Inauguration Marianique Santos 17.jpg|thumb|True democracy is a project that’s much bigger than any one of us. It’s bigger than any one person, any one president, any one government. It’s a job for all of us. It requires everyday sustained effort from all of us.]] * '''I’m still asking you to believe – not in my ability to bring about change, but in yours. I believe in change because I believe in you.''' ** President Obama on Twitter at January 20, 2017; [https://web.archive.org/web/20170120172703if_/https://twitter.com/POTUS44/status/822446982648201216 archived] from [https://twitter.com/POTUS44/status/822446982648201216 the original] on August 28, 2020. As quoted by ABC Radio (2017) and presented in the 2017-01-20 article "''Obamas Offer Goodbye Message as They Leave the White House''" by MyCentralOregon.com. [https://archive.is/Gec3W Archived] from [https://www.mycentraloregon.com/2017/01/20/obamas-offer-goodbye-message-as-they-leave-the-white-house/ the original] and retrieved on August 28, 2020. * As I’ve said many times before, '''true democracy is a project that’s much bigger than any one of us. It’s bigger than any one person, any one president, any one government. It’s a job for all of us. It requires everyday sustained effort from all of us — the work of perfecting our union is never finished.''' We look forward to joining you in that effort as fellow citizens. ** 2020-07-20 Youtube Video "''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODVxuN6m6E8&feature=youtu.be What's Next from Barack and Michelle Obama]''" Upload by the Obama Foundation and retrieved on August 28, 2020. As quoted by ABC Radio (2017) and presented in the 2017-01-20 article "''Obamas Offer Goodbye Message as They Leave the White House''" by MyCentralOregon.com. [https://archive.is/Gec3W Archived] from [https://www.mycentraloregon.com/2017/01/20/obamas-offer-goodbye-message-as-they-leave-the-white-house/ the original] and retrieved August 28, 2020. * '''People have a tendency to blame politicians when things don't work, but''' as I always tell people, '''you get the politicians you deserve. And if you don't vote and you don't pay attention, you'll get policies that don't reflect your interest.''' ** Speaking at a summit on food innovation in Milan, Italy on May 9, 2017. Source: Conway, Madeline (9 May 2017). "[http://archive.is/sk6YA Obama: 'You get the politicians you deserve']". Politico. Archived from [http://www.politico.com/story/2017/05/09/obama-you-get-the-politicians-you-deserve-238150 the original] on 13 May 2017. Retrieved 13 May 2017. * '''If I become so convinced that ‘I’m always right,’ the logical conclusion of that often ends up being great cruelty and great violence.''' ** Speaking during a discussion at "Kirchentag," a multi-day meeting sponsored by the Protestant church in Germany in Berlin, Germany on May 25, 2017. Source: Dovere, Edward-Isaac (25 May 2017). "[http://archive.is/PZKE4 Obama in Berlin: 'We can’t hide behind a wall']". Politico. Archived from [http://www.politico.com/story/2017/05/25/obama-in-berlin-angela-merkel-238806 the original] on 2 June 2017. Retrieved 2 June2017. * '''We can find people on the internet who agree with our ideas, no matter how crazy. Democracies do not work if we are not operating on some level based on reason and fact and logic - and not just passion. We're going to have to''' find ways to push back on propaganda and '''listen to those we don't agree with.''' ** Speaking after receiving a German media prize award in Baden-Baden, Germany on May 25, 2017. Source: Kirschbaum, Erik (25 May 2017). "[https://web.archive.org/web/20170527213811/http://www.nasdaq.com/article/in-berlin-obama-speaks-out-against-hiding-behind-walls-20170525-01010 In Berlin, Obama speaks out against hiding behind walls]". Reuters via nasdaq.com. Archived from [http://www.nasdaq.com/article/in-berlin-obama-speaks-out-against-hiding-behind-walls-20170525-01010 the original] on 27 May 2017. Retrieved 27 May 2017. * '''No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin or his background or his religion. ... People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love. ... For love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.''' ** [[https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/896523357272911872 Speaking via twitter on August 13, 2017]] in response to the [[w:2017 Unite the Right rally|2017 Unite the Right rally]] in harlottesville, Virginia and quoting [[Nelson Mandela]]. [https://web.archive.org/web/20170814133749/https:/twitter.com/BarackObama/status/896523357272911872 Archived via Wayback Machine on August 14, 2017]. Source: [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/08/12/politics/parties-condemn-white-nationalist-rally/index.html ''Bipartisan condemnation for 'Unite the Right' rally'' by CNN's Jennifer Hansler on August 13, 2017]. [https://web.archive.org/web/20170814134330/http://edition.cnn.com/2017/08/12/politics/parties-condemn-white-nationalist-rally/index.html Archived via Wayback Machine on August 14, 2017]. ====Farewell Address (January 2017)==== [[File:Victims of Communism Memorial DBKing A.jpg|thumb|Democracy does not require uniformity. Democracy does require a basic sense of solidarity - the idea that for all our outward differences, we're all in this together; that we rise or fall as one.]] [[File:Goddess of Democracy front a.jpg|thumb|Democracy can buckle when we give in to fear. So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are. Our democracy is threatened whenever we take it for granted. It falls to each of us to be those those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy.]] [[File:Blue marble 2015.jpg|thumb|If the scope of freedom and respect for the rule of law shrinks around the world, the likelihood of war within and between nations increases, and our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.]] <small>[https://obamawhitehouse.archives.gov/farewell Source: "President Obama's Farewell Address," delivered in Chicago on January 10, 2017, from the White House archives (transcript and video)]</small> * If I had told you eight years ago that America would reverse a great recession, reboot our auto industry, and unleash the longest stretch of job creation in our history . . . open up a new chapter with the Cuban people, shut down Iran's nuclear weapons program without firing a shot, take out the mastermind of 9/11 . . . win marriage equality, and secure the right to health insurance for another 20 million of our fellow citizens . . . you might have said our sights were set a little too high. But that's what we did. That's what '''you''' did. * [W]hat I want to focus on tonight [is the] state of our democracy. Understand, '''democracy does not require uniformity.''' [[Founding Fathers of the United States|Our founders]] argued. They quarreled. Eventually they compromised. They expected us to do the same. But they knew that '''democracy does require a basic sense of solidarity - the idea that for all our outward differences, we're all in this together; that we rise or fall as one.''' * [I]f anyone can put together a plan that is demonstrably better than the improvements we've made to our health care system and that covers as many people at less cost, I will publicly support it. * I agree, our trade should be fair and not just free. But the next wave of economic dislocations won't come from overseas. It will come from the relentless pace of automation that makes a lot of good, middle-class jobs obsolete. * '''If every economic issue is framed as a struggle between a hardworking white middle class and an undeserving minority, then workers of all shades are going to be left fighting for scraps while the wealthy withdraw further into their private enclaves.''' * '''Politics is a battle of ideas.''' That's how our democracy was designed. In the course of a healthy debate, we prioritize different goals, and the different means of reaching them. '''But without some common baseline of facts, without a willingness to admit new information, and concede that your opponent might be making a fair point, and that science and reason matter - then we're going to keep talking past each other, and we'll make common ground and compromise impossible.''' * [W]ithout bolder action, our children won't have time to debate the existence of climate change. They'll be busy dealing with its effects: more environmental disasters, more economic disruptions, waves of climate refugees seeking sanctuary. * '''Democracy can buckle when we give in to fear. So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are. [...] Our democracy is threatened whenever we take it for granted. All of us, regardless of party, should be throwing ourselves into the task of rebuilding our democratic institutions. When voting rates in America are some of the lowest among advanced democracies, we should be making it easier, not harder, to vote. When trust in our institutions is low, we should reduce the corrosive influence of money in our politics, and insist on the principles of transparency and ethics in public service. When Congress is dysfunctional, we should draw our congressional districts to encourage politicians to cater to common sense and not rigid extremes. But remember, none of this happens on its own. All of this depends on our participation; on each of us accepting the responsibility of citizenship, regardless of which way the pendulum of power happens to be swinging. [...] It falls to each of us to be those those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy;''' to embrace the joyous task we've been given to continually try to improve this great nation of ours. '''Because for all our outward differences, we, in fact, all share the same proud title, the most important office in a democracy: Citizen. Citizen. So, you see, that's what our democracy demands. It needs you. Not just when there's an election, not just when your own narrow interest is at stake, but over the full span of a lifetime.''' * [T]o all who serve or have served, it has been the honor of my lifetime to be your Commander-in-Chief. And we all owe you a deep debt of gratitude. But '''protecting our way of life, that's not just the job of our military. . . . So, just as we, as citizens, must remain vigilant against external aggression, we must guard against a weakening of the values that make us who we are.''' * '''If the scope of freedom and respect for the rule of law shrinks around the world, the likelihood of war within and between nations increases, and our own freedoms will eventually be threatened.''' * '''It falls to each of us to be those anxious, jealous guardians of our democracy'''; to embrace the joyous task we've been given to continually try to improve this great nation of ours. '''Because for all our outward differences, we, in fact, all share the same proud title, the most important office in a democracy: Citizen.''' Citizen. * '''I'm asking you to believe. Not in my ability to bring about change - but in yours. I am asking you to hold fast to that faith written into our founding documents; that idea whispered by slaves and abolitionists; that spirit sung by immigrants and homesteaders and those who marched for justice; that creed reaffirmed by those who planted flags from foreign battlefields to the surface of the moon; a creed at the core of every American whose story is not yet written: Yes, we can.''' Yes, we did. Yes, we can. ==== Final News Conference as President (January 2017) ==== [[File:New Brady Briefing Room.jpg|144px|thumb|right|It doesn’t work if we don’t have a well-informed citizenry, and you are the conduit through which they receive the information about what’s taking place in the halls of power. So America needs you and our democracy needs you. We need you to establish a baseline of facts and evidence that we can use as a starting point for the kind of reasoned and informed debates that ultimately lead to progress.]] [[File:US Flag in Utah.jpg|144px|thumb|right|When we feel stress, when we feel pressure, when we’re just fed information that encourages some of our worst instincts, we tend to fall back into some of the old racial fears and racial divisions and racial stereotypes, and it’s very hard for us to break out of those and to listen and to think about people as people and to imagine being in that person’s shoes.]] [[File:Barack Obama family portrait 2011.jpg|144px|thumb|right|The only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. And so, you get knocked down, you get up, brush yourself off and you get back to work.]] [[File:Pre-game at Browns Stadium.JPG|144px|thumb|right|I believe in this country. I believe in the American people. I believe that people are more good than bad. I believe tragic things happen. I think there’s evil in the world, but I think at the end of the day, if we work hard and if we’re true to those things in us that feel true and feel right, that the world gets a little better each time. That’s what this presidency has tried to be about.]] :<small>[https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/18/us/politics/obama-final-press-conference.html?_r=0 Full transcript of a news conference that President Obama held with the White House Press Corps in the White House in Washington, United States of America, as prepared by the Federal News Service. (January 18, 2017)]</small> * We have traveled the world together. We did a few singles, a few doubles together. I’ve offered advice that I thought was pretty sound, like don’t do stupid stuff.(LAUGHTER) And even when you complained about my long answers, I just want you to know that the only reason they were long was because you asked six-part questions.(LAUGHTER)But I have enjoyed working with all of you. That does not, of course, mean that I’ve enjoyed every story that you have filed, but that’s the point of this relationship. '''You’re not supposed to be''' (inaudible) '''fans, you’re supposed to be skeptics, you’re supposed to ask me tough questions. You’re not supposed to be complimentary, but you’re supposed to cast a critical eye on folks who hold enormous power and make sure that we are accountable to the people who sent us here''', and you have done that. And you have done it for the most part in ways that I could appreciate for fairness, even if I didn’t always agree with your conclusions. '''And having you in this building has made this place work better. It keeps us honest, it makes us work harder. You have made us think about how we are doing what we do and whether or not we’re able to deliver on what’s been requested by our constituents.''' ** On his relationship with the press in Washington, D.C. and its role in a democracy * I spent a lot of time on my — in my farewell address talking about '''the state of our democracy. It goes without saying that essential to that is a free press. That is part of how this place, this country, this grand experiment of self-government has to work. It doesn’t work if we don’t have a well-informed citizenry, and you are the conduit through which they receive the information about what’s taking place in the halls of power. So America needs you and our democracy needs you. We need you to establish a baseline of facts and evidence that we can use as a starting point for the kind of reasoned and informed debates that ultimately lead to progress. And so my hope is is that you will continue with the same tenacity that you showed us, to do the hard work of getting to the bottom of stories and getting them right and to push those of us in power to be the best version of ourselves and to push this country to be the best version of itself.''' ** On the role of the press in a democracy * '''I can tell you that''' — and this is something I have told [[Donald Trump|him]] — that '''this is a job of such magnitude that you can’t do it by yourself. You are enormously reliant on a team. Your Cabinet, your senior White House staff, all the way to fairly junior folks in their 20s and 30s but who are executing on significant responsibilities. And so, how you put a team together to make sure that they’re getting you the best information and they are teeing up the options from which you will ultimately make decisions. That’s probably the most useful constructive advice and the most constructive advice that I’ve been able to give him, that if you find yourself isolated because the process breaks down or if you’re only hearing from people who agree with you on everything or if you haven’t created a process that is fact-checking and probing and asking hard questions about policies or promises that you’ve made, that’s when you start making mistakes.And as I indicated in some of my previous remarks, reality has a way of biting back if you’re not paying attention to it.''' ** On the job of the U.S. President and the need of good advisers and staff * Well, let me be absolutely clear. I did not mean that I was going to be running for anything anytime soon. So, what I meant is that it’s important for me to take some time to process this amazing experience that we’ve gone through; to make sure that my wife, with whom I will be celebrating a 25th anniversary this year, is willing to re-up and put up with me for a little bit longer. [...] But '''there’s a difference between that normal functioning of politics and certain issues or certain moments where I think our core values may be at stake. I put in that category if I saw systematic discrimination being ratified in some fashion. I put in that category explicit or functional obstacles to people being able to vote, to exercise their franchise.I’d put in that category institutional efforts to silence dissent or the press. And for me at least, I would put in that category efforts to roundup kids who have grown up here and for all practical purposes are American kids, and send them someplace else, when they love this country. They are our kids’ friends and their classmates, and are now entering into community colleges or in some cases serving in our military, that the notion that we would just arbitrarily or because of politics punish those kids, when they didn’t do anything wrong themselves, I think would be something that would merit me speaking out.''' ** Partial answers on the questions: "And what did you mean when you said you would come back? Would you lobby Congress? Maybe explore the political arena again?" * But you know, we — '''when we feel stress, when we feel pressure, when we’re just fed information that encourages some of our worst instincts, we tend to fall back into some of the old racial fears and racial divisions and racial stereotypes, and it’s very hard for us to break out of those and to listen and to think about people as people and to imagine being in that person’s shoes.''' And by the way, it’s no longer a black and white issue alone. You got Hispanic folks and you got Asian folks, this is not just the same old battles that — we’ve got this stew that’s bubbling up from people everywhere and '''we’re going to have to make sure that we in our own lives and our own families and work places do a better job of treating everybody with basic respect and understanding''' that not everybody starts off in the same situation and imaging what would it be like if you were born in an inner city and had no job prospects anywhere within a 20 mile radius or how does it feel being born in some rural county where there’s no job opportunities within in a 20 mile radius and seeing those two things as connected as opposed to separate. So, you know, we got work to do, but overall, I think on this front, the trend lines, ultimately, I think will be good. * I think it was really interesting to see how [[w:Family of Barack Obama#Malia_and_Sasha_Obama|Malia and Sasha]] reacted. They were disappointed. They paid attention to what their mom said during the campaign and believed it because it’s consistent with what we have tried to teach them in our household and what I’ve tried to model as a father with their mom and what we’ve asked them to expect from future boyfriends or spouses. But what we’ve also tried to teach them is resilience and we’ve tried to teach them hope and that '''the only thing that is the end of the world is the end of the world. And so, you get knocked down, you get up, brush yourself off and you get back to work.''' * '''I believe in this country. I believe in the American people. I believe that people are more good than bad. I believe tragic things happen. I think there’s evil in the world, but I think at the end of the day, if we work hard and if we’re true to those things in us that feel true and feel right, that the world gets a little better each time.''' That’s what this presidency has tried to be about. ====Inauguration Day letter (January 2017)==== [[File:Obama edits speech before announcing death of Osama bin Laden.jpg|thumb|We are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions -- like rule of law, separation of powers, equal protection and civil liberties -- that our forebears fought and bled for. Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it's up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.]] :<small>Inauguration Day letter by Barack Obama to successor Donald Trump in the Oval Office on January 20, 2017 at the White House in Washingtton, D.C.. Sources: [https://edition.cnn.com/2017/09/03/politics/obama-trump-letter-inauguration-day/index.html "Exclusive: Read the Inauguration Day letter Obama left for Trump" by CNN's White House ProducerKevin Liptak on September 5, 2017.] and [https://time.com/4926116/barack-obama-letter-to-trump/ "Obama Offers Trump Advice In Inauguration Letter: 'American Leadership in This World Really is Indispensable’" by The Independent's Alana Abramson on September 3, 2017.]</small> Dear Mr. President Congratulations on [[w:2016 United States presidential election|a remarkable run]]. Millions have placed their hopes in you, and all of us, regardless of party, should hope for expanded prosperity and security during your tenure. '''This is a unique office, without a clear blueprint for success''', so I don't know that any advice from me will be particularly helpful. Still, let me offer a few reflections from the past 8 years. First, we've both been blessed, in different ways, with great good fortune. Not everyone is so lucky. It's up to us to do everything we can (to) build more ladders of success for every child and family that's willing to work hard. Second, '''American leadership in this world really is indispensable. It's up to us, through action and example, to sustain the international order that's expanded steadily since the end of the [[Cold War]], and upon which our own wealth and safety depend.''' Third, '''we are just temporary occupants of this office. That makes us guardians of those democratic institutions and traditions -- like [[w:rule of law|rule of law]], [[w:separation of powers|separation of powers]], [[w:Equal Protection Clause|equal protection]] and [[w:civil liberties|civil liberties]] -- that our [[w:Founding Fathers of the United States|forebears]] [[American Revolution|fought and bled for]]. Regardless of the push and pull of daily politics, it's up to us to leave those instruments of our democracy at least as strong as we found them.''' And finally, '''take time, in the rush of events and responsibilities, for friends and family. They'll get you through the inevitable rough patches.''' Michelle and I wish you and Melania the very best as you embark on this great adventure, and know that we stand ready to help in any ways which we can. Good luck and Godspeed,<br> BO ====Farewell to Staff Members (January 2017)==== [[File:OlusteeKAFL.jpg|thumb|The military is not a thing. It's a group of committed patriots willing to sacrifice everything on our behalf. It works only because of the people in it. As cool as the hardware is, and we have cool hardware, as cool as the machines and weapons and satellites are, ultimately it comes down to remarkable people.]] [[File:West and East Germans at the Brandenburg Gate in 1989.jpg|thumb|Our democracy is not the buildings, not the monuments. It's you being willing to work to make things better and being willing to listen to each other and argue with each other and come together and knock on doors and make phone calls and treat people with respect.]] :<small>Farewell to members of his staff on January 20, 2017 at Joint Base Andrews in Maryland before departing with his family for a vacation in California. Source: [http://edition.cnn.com/2017/01/20/politics/barack-obama-remarks/ Obama's post-inauguration remarks: Full text by CNN on January 20, 2017.]</small> * You know, I have said before, and I will say again, that '''when we started on this journey, we did so with an abiding faith in the American people and their ability, our ability, to join together and change the country in ways that would make life better for our kids and our grandkids.''' * '''That change didn't happen from the top down, but it happened from the bottom up.''' It was met sometimes with skepticism and doubt. Some folks didn't think we could pull it off. There were those that felt that the institutions of power and privilege in this country were too deeply entrenched. And yet, all of you came together in small towns and big cities, a whole bunch of you really young, and you decided to believe and you knocked on doors and you made phone calls and you talked to your parents who didn't know how to pronounce Barack Obama. And you got to know each other. And you went into communities that maybe you had never even thought about visiting and met people that on the surface seemed completely different than you -- didn't look like you or talk like you or watch the same TV programs as you. And yet, once you started talking to them, it turned out that you had something in common. And it grew and it built. And people took notice. And throughout, it was infused with a sense of hope. As I said in 2004, '''it wasn't blind optimism that drove you to do all of this work. It wasn't naiveté. It wasn't willful ignorance to all the challenges that America faces. It was hope in the face of difficulty. Hope in the face of uncertainty. You proved the power of hope.''' * And throughout this process, Michelle and I, we just have been your frontmen and women. We have been the face, sometimes the voice, out front on the TV screen or in front of the microphone, but this has never been about us. It has always been about you. And '''all the amazing things that happened over these last 10 years are really just a testament to you. In the same way that when we talk about our amazing military and our men and women in uniform, the military is not a thing. It's a group of committed patriots willing to sacrifice everything on our behalf. It works only because of the people in it. As cool as the hardware is, and we have cool hardware, as cool as the machines and weapons and satellites are, ultimately it comes down to remarkable people.''' * '''Our democracy is not the buildings, not the monuments. It's you being willing to work to make things better and being willing to listen to each other and argue with each other and come together and knock on doors and make phone calls and treat people with respect.''' And that doesn't end. This is just ... this is just a little pit stop. This is not a period, this is a comma in the continuing story of building America. * So, '''to all of you that have put your heart and soul, not just into the campaign but into making schools better, making sure our veterans got the care they needed, making sure that we left behind a planet that is safe and secure for our kids, making sure that hardworking people have a ladder of opportunity and can support families. For all of you, who have just done amazing remarkable work, most of it unheralded, most if without fanfare, most of it without you getting any word of thanks, we could not be prouder of you.''' === 2018 === * '''Here's the advice I give everyone about marriage — is she someone you find interesting?''' … You will spend more time with this person than anyone else for the rest of your life, and there is nothing more important than always wanting to hear what she has to say about things … Does she make you laugh? And I don’t know if you want kids, but if you do, do you think she will be a good mom? Life is long. These are the things that really matter over the long term. :* Marriage advice to [[w:Dan Pfeiffer|Dan Pfeiffer]] in [https://books.google.com/books/about/Yes_We_Still_Can.html?id=F8hdDwAAQBAJ&printsec=frontcover&source=kp_read_button ''Yes We Still Can''], chapter 9, (19 June 2018); as quoted in [https://www.indy100.com/article/barack-obama-marriage-advice-michelle-love-life-8436186 "Barack Obama says these are the three questions you must ask someone before you marry them"], by Narjas Zatat, ''The Independent'', (7 July 2018). * '''When words stop meaning anything, when truth doesn’t matter, when people can just lie with abandon, democracy can’t work.''' ** Speech at political rally on November 2, 2018. Source: [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2018/11/03/obama-rips-hecklers-why-are-people-who-won-last-election-so-mad-all-time/ Obama rips hecklers: Why are the people who won the last election ‘so mad all the time?'] ==== Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture (2018) ==== :<small> Nelson Mandela Annual Lecture in Johannesburg, South Africa (17 July 2018) · [https://www.washingtonexaminer.com/news/watch-barack-obamas-full-mandela-speech-in-south-africa Full transcript of Speech in ''The Washington Examiner'' (17 July 2018)]</small> * '''It was in service of this long walk towards freedom and justice and equal opportunity that Nelson Mandela devoted his life.''' At the outset, his struggle was particular to this place, to his homeland – a fight to end apartheid, a fight to ensure lasting political and social and economic equality for its disenfranchised non-white citizens. But through his sacrifice and unwavering leadership and, perhaps most of all, through his [[moral]] example, Mandela and the movement he led would come to signify something larger. '''He came to embody the universal aspirations of dispossessed people all around the world, their hopes for a better life, the possibility of a moral transformation in the conduct of human affairs.''' <br /> Madiba’s light shone so brightly, even from that narrow Robben Island cell, that in the late ‘70s he could inspire a young college student on the other side of the world to reexamine his own priorities, could make me consider the small role I might play in bending the arc of the world towards [[justice]]. And when later, as a law student, I witnessed Madiba emerge from prison, just a few months, you’ll recall, after the fall of the Berlin Wall, I felt the same wave of hope that washed through hearts all around the world. <br /> Do you remember that feeling? '''It seemed as if the forces of progress were on the march, that they were inexorable. Each step he took, you felt this is the moment when the old structures of violence and repression and ancient hatreds that had so long stunted people’s lives and confined the human spirit – that all that was crumbling before our eyes.''' And then, as Madiba guided this nation through negotiation painstakingly, reconciliation, its first fair and free elections; as we all witnessed the grace and the generosity with which he embraced former enemies, the wisdom for him to step away from power once he felt his job was complete, we understood that – we understood it was not just the subjugated, the oppressed who were being freed from the shackles of the past. The subjugator was being offered a gift, being given a chance to see in a new way, being given a chance to participate in the work of building a better world. * '''A politics of fear and resentment and retrenchment began to appear, and that kind of politics is now on the move. It’s on the move at a pace that would have seemed unimaginable just a few years ago. I am not being alarmist, I am simply stating the facts.''' Look around. Strongman politics are ascendant suddenly, whereby elections and some pretense of democracy are maintained – the form of it – but those in power seek to undermine every institution or norm that gives democracy meaning. In the West, you’ve got far-right parties that oftentimes are based not just on platforms of protectionism and closed borders, but also on barely hidden racial nationalism. Many developing countries now are looking at China’s model of [[authoritarian]] control combined with mercantilist capitalism as preferable to the messiness of democracy. Who needs free speech as long as the economy is going good? '''The [[free press]] is under attack. [[Censorship]] and state control of media is on the rise. Social media – once seen as a mechanism to promote knowledge and understanding and solidarity – has proved to be just as effective promoting hatred and paranoia and propaganda and conspiracy theories.''' * So, on Madiba’s 100th birthday, '''we [[now]] stand at a crossroads – a moment in time at which two very different visions of humanity’s future compete for the hearts and the minds of citizens around the world.''' Two different stories, two different narratives about who we are and who we should be. How should we respond? <br /> Should we see that wave of hope that we felt with Madiba’s release from prison, from the Berlin Wall coming down – should we see that hope that we had as naïve and misguided? Should we [[understand]] the last 25 years of global integration as nothing more than a detour from the previous inevitable cycle of [[history]] — where [[might]] makes right, and [[politics]] is a [[hostile]] [[competition]] between tribes and [[races]] and [[religions]], and [[nations]] [[compete]] in a zero-sum game, constantly teetering on the edge of conflict until full-blown [[war]] breaks out? Is that what we think? <br /> Let me tell you what I [[believe]]. '''I believe in [[Nelson Mandela]]’s [[Visions|vision]]. I believe in a vision shared by [[Gandhi]] and [[Martin Luther King|King]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]]. I believe in a vision of [[equality]] and [[justice]] and [[freedom]] and multi-racial [[democracy]], built on the premise that [[all]] people are created equal, and they’re endowed by our creator with certain inalienable [[rights]].''' And I believe that a [[world]] [[governed]] by such [[principles]] is possible and that it can achieve more [[peace]] and more [[cooperation]] in pursuit of a common good. That’s what I believe. <br /> And I believe we have no [[choice]] but to move forward; that those of us who believe in democracy and [[civil rights]] and a common [[humanity]] have a better [[story]] to tell. And I believe this not just based on sentiment, I believe it based on hard evidence. * The fact that the world’s most prosperous and successful societies, the ones with the highest living standards and the highest levels of satisfaction among their people, happen to be those which have most closely approximated the liberal, progressive ideal that we talk about and have nurtured the talents and contributions of all their citizens. <br /> '''The fact that authoritarian governments have been shown time and time again to breed corruption, because they’re not accountable; to repress their people; to lose touch eventually with reality; to engage in bigger and bigger lies that ultimately result in economic and political and cultural and scientific stagnation.''' Look at history. Look at the facts. <br /> The fact that countries which rely on rabid nationalism and xenophobia and doctrines of tribal, racial, or religious superiority as their main organizing principle, the thing that holds people together – eventually those countries find themselves consumed by civil war or external war. Check the history books. <br /> The fact that technology cannot be put back in a bottle, so we’re stuck with the fact that we now live close together and populations are going to be moving, and environmental challenges are not going to go away on their own, so that the only way to effectively address problems like climate change or mass migration or pandemic disease will be to develop systems for more international cooperation, not less. * We have a better story to tell. But to say that our vision for the future is better is not to say that it will inevitably win. Because history also shows the power of fear. History shows the lasting hold of greed and the desire to dominate others in the minds of men. Especially men. History shows how easily people can be convinced to turn on those who look different, or worship God in a different way. So, if we’re truly to continue Madiba’s long walk towards freedom, we’re going to have to work harder and we’re going to have to be smarter. * '''Madiba reminds us that: “No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart.” '''Love comes more naturally to the human heart, let’s remember that truth. Let’s see it as our North Star, let’s be joyful in our struggle to make that truth manifest here on earth so that in 100 years from now, future generations will look back and say, “they kept the march going, that’s why we live under new banners of freedom.” Thank you very much, South Africa, thank you. ==== Speech at the University of Illinoise Speech (2018) ==== [[File:Discurso funebre pericles.PNG|144px|thumb|right|The biggest threat to our democracy is indifference. The biggest threat to our democracy is cynicism – a cynicism that’s led too many people to turn away from politics and stay home on election day.]] [[File:Goddess of Democracy at UBC.jpg|144px|thumb|right|So if you don’t like what’s going on right now – and you shouldn’t – do not complain. Don’t get anxious. Don’t retreat. Don’t lose yourself in ironic detachment. Don’t put your head in the sand. Don’t boo. Vote.]] [[File:Streichholz.jpg|144px|thumb|right|Change happens. Hope happens. Not perfection. Not every bit of cruelty and sadness and poverty and disease suddenly stricken from the earth. There will still be problems. But with each new candidate that surprises you with a victory that you supported, a spark of hope happens.]] :<small> Speech at the University of Illinois (7. September 2018). As quoted in the September 8, 2018 The Guardian article "[https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/sep/08/barack-obama-you-need-to-vote-because-our-democracy-depends-on-it Barack Obama: you need to vote because our democracy depends on it]".</small> * '''Appealing to tribe, appealing to fear, pitting one group against another, telling people that order and security will be restored if it weren’t for those who don’t look like us or don’t sound like us or don’t pray like we do, that’s an old playbook. It’s as old as time. And in a healthy democracy it doesn’t work. Our antibodies kick in, and people of goodwill from across the political spectrum callout the bigots and the fearmongers, and work to compromise and get things done and promote the better angels of our nature.''' * But when '''there’s a vacuum in our democracy, when we don’t vote, when we take our basic rights and freedoms for granted, when we turn away and stop paying attention and stop engaging and stop believing and look for the newest diversion, the electronic versions of bread and circuses, then other voices fill the void. A politics of fear and resentment and retrenchment takes hold. And demagogues promise simple fixes to complex problems. They promise to fight for the little guy even as they cater to the wealthiest and the most powerful. They promise to clean up corruption and then plunder away. They start undermining norms that ensure accountability, try to change the rules to entrench their power further. And they appeal to racial nationalism that’s barely veiled, if veiled at all.''' * It should not be Democratic or Republican, it should not be a partisan issue to say that we do not pressure the attorney general or the FBI to use the criminal justice system as a cudgel to punish our political opponents. Or to explicitly call on the attorney general to protect members of our own party from prosecution because an election happens to be coming up. I’m not making that up. That’s not hypothetical. It shouldn’t be Democratic or Republican to say that we don’t threaten the freedom of the press because they say things or publish stories we don’t like. '''I complained plenty about Fox News but you never heard me threaten to shut them down, or call them enemies of the people. It shouldn’t be Democratic or Republican to say we don’t target certain groups of people based on what they look like or how they pray. We are Americans. We’re supposed to stand up to bullies. Not follow them. We’re supposed to stand up to discrimination. And we’re sure as heck supposed to stand up, clearly and unequivocally, to Nazi sympathizers. How hard can that be? Saying that Nazis are bad.''' I’ll be honest, sometimes I get into arguments with progressive friends about what the current political movement requires. '''There are well-meaning folks passionate about social justice, who think things have gotten so bad, the lines have been so starkly drawn, that we have to fight fire with fire, we have to do the same things to the Republicans that they do to us, adopt their tactics, say whatever works, make up stuff about the other side. I don’t agree with that.''' * And '''we won’t win people over by calling them names, or dismissing entire chunks of the country as racist, or sexist, or homophobic. When I say bring people together, I mean all of our people.''' You know, this whole notion that has sprung up recently about Democrats need to choose between trying to appeal to the white working class voters, or voters of color, and women and LGBT Americans, that’s nonsense. I don’t buy that. I got votes from every demographic. '''We won by reaching out to everybody and competing everywhere and by fighting for every vote. And that’s what we’ve got to do in this election and every election after that.''' * '''One election will not fix everything that needs to be fixed, but it will be a start. And you have to start it. What’s going to fix our democracy is you. People ask me, what are you going to do for the election? No, the question is: what are you going to do? You’re the antidote. Your participation and your spirit and your determination, not just in this election but in every subsequent election, and in the days between elections.''' * Because in the end, the threat to our democracy doesn’t just come from Donald Trump or the current batch of Republicans in Congress or the Koch Brothers and their lobbyists, or too much compromise from Democrats, or Russian hacking. '''The biggest threat to our democracy is indifference. The biggest threat to our democracy is cynicism – a cynicism that’s led too many people to turn away from politics and stay home on election day. To all the young people''' who are here today, '''there are now more eligible voters in your generation than in any other, which means your generation now has more power than anybody to change things. If you want it, you can make sure America gets out of its current funk. If you actually care about it, you have the power to make sure we seize a brighter future. But to exercise that clout, to exercise that power, you have to show up.''' * '''So if you don’t like what’s going on right now – and you shouldn’t – do not complain. Don’t hashtag. Don’t get anxious. Don’t retreat. Don’t binge on whatever it is you’re bingeing on. Don’t lose yourself in ironic detachment. Don’t put your head in the sand. Don’t boo. Vote. You’ve got to vote. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make it easier to afford college, and harder to shoot up a school. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make sure a family keeps its health insurance; you could save somebody’s life.''' * '''So if you don’t like what’s going on right now – and you shouldn’t – do not complain. Don’t hashtag. Don’t get anxious. Don’t retreat. Don’t binge on whatever it is you’re bingeing on. Don’t lose yourself in ironic detachment. Don’t put your head in the sand. Don’t boo. Vote. You’ve got to vote. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make it easier to afford college, and harder to shoot up a school. When you vote, you’ve got the power to make sure a family keeps its health insurance; you could save somebody’s life.''' * '''Change happens. Hope happens. Not perfection. Not every bit of cruelty and sadness and poverty and disease suddenly stricken from the earth. There will still be problems. But with each new candidate that surprises you with a victory that you supported, a spark of hope happens.''' === 2019 === [[File:Johann Sperl - Mädchen im Bauerngarten (um 1885).jpg|thumb|Democracy is a garden that has to be tended.]] [[File:A Conversation with President Barack Obama (33654315768).jpg|thumb|This [[idea]] of [[purity]] and that you’re never [[compromised]] and you’re always [[politically]] [[w:Woke|woke]] — you should get over that quickly. The [[world]] is messy. There are [[ambiguities]]. [[People]] who do really [[good]] stuff have [[flaws]].]] * Some of you may be aware our gun laws in the United States don’t make much sense. Anybody can buy any weapon any time — without much if any regulation, they can buy it over the Internet, they can buy machine gun. ** [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Shx-sXngQUI&t=2182s Comments at VTEX Day digital convention in Sao Paulo, Brazil (30 May 2019)]; also quoted in "Obama tells Brazil: In America ‘anybody can buy any weapon any time", ''Washington Examiner'' (31 May 2019) * '''Democracy is a garden that has to be tended.''' ** Remarks during conference held on March 6, 2019 by Qualtrics, a tech company in Salt Lake City. As quoted in the March 7, 2019 article "[https://web.archive.org/web/20191127211836/https://www.businessinsider.de/obama-issued-a-warning-on-the-political-climate-i-like-the-rule-of-law-democracy-competency-and-facts-those-things-arent-partisan-but-they-also-dont-happen-auatomatically-2019-3?r=US&IR=T Obama warns that if the world isn't careful, democracy could be in danger: 'Democracy is a garden that has to be tended']" by Business Insider Deutschland author Julie Bort. * This idea of purity and that you’re never compromised and you’re always politically [[w:Woke|woke]] — you should get over that quickly. … The world is messy. There are ambiguities. People who do really good stuff have flaws. People who you are fighting may love their kids, and share certain things with you. … I do get a sense sometimes now among certain young people, and this is accelerated by [[social media]] — there is this sense sometimes of the way of me making change is to be as judgmental as possible about other people, and that’s enough. If I [[w:Tweet|tweet]] or [[w:Hashtag|hashtag]] about how you didn’t do something right or used the wrong verb, then I can sit back and feel pretty good about myself. Did you see how woke I was, I called you out. Then I’m going to get on my TV and watch my show … That’s not [[activism]]. That’s not bringing about change. If all you’re doing is casting stones, you’re probably not going to get that far. ** Comments at an Obama Foundation event, Chicago (29 October 2019), as quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/obama-calls-out-call-out-culture-not-activism-905600/ "Obama Calls Out Online Call-Out Culture: 'That’s Not Activism"", ''Rolling Stone'' (30 October 2019)] ===2020=== [[File:Freedom Sun(g).jpg|thumb|[[Juneteenth]] has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]].]] * [[Juneteenth]] has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. It's an affirmation that despite the most [[painful]] parts of our [[history]], [[change]] is [[possible]] –– and there is still so much [[work]] to do. ** As quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/news/503595-obama-marks-juneteenth-a-celebration-of-progress/ " Obama marks Juneteenth: 'A celebration of progress'" by Marina Pitofsky, ''The Hill'' (19 June 2020)] *Considering his enormous impact on the history of this country, what always struck those who met [[John Lewis (civil rights leader)|John]] was his [[gentleness]] and [[humility]]. Born into modest means in the heart of the [[W:Jim Crow South|Jim Crow South]], he understood that he was just one of a long line of heroes in the struggle for [[w:racial justice|racial justice]]. Early on, he embraced the principles of [[nonviolent resistance]] and [[civil disobedience]] as the means to bring about real change in this country, understanding that such tactics had the power not only to change laws, but to change hearts and minds as well. **Quoted in [https://www.sandiegouniontribune.com/news/nation-world/story/2020-07-18/rep-john-lewis-remembered-for-legacy-of-good-trouble Rep. John Lewis remembered for legacy of ‘good trouble’, ''United Press, San Diego Union-Tribune''], (18 July 2020) * We won’t have a president that threatens people with jail for just criticizing him ** Talking about [[President Trump]] on the campaign trail for [[Joe Biden]] in [[https://www.wlrn.org/2020-10-25/obama-hits-campaign-trail-in-south-florida-criticizing-trumps-behavior-as-worse-than-florida-man Obama Hits Campaign Trail In South Florida, Criticizing Trump's Behavior As Worse Than Florida Man] October 25, 2020 *America is the first real experiment in building a large, multiethnic, multicultural democracy. And we don't know yet if that can hold. There haven't been enough of them around for long enough to say for certain that it's going to work **[https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2020/11/why-obama-fears-for-our-democracy/617087/ Why Barack Obama fears for our democracy], Atlantic magazine (November 16, 2020) ==== ''[[w:A Promised Land|A Promised Land]]'' (2020) ==== * Unfortunately for McCain, it was precisely these voices of the hard Right that were exciting the core GOP voters most likely to vote in presidential primaries, rather than the business-friendly, strong-on-defense, socially moderate Republicans McCain appealed to and was most comfortable with. And as the Republican primary wore on, and McCain sought to win over some of the very people he professed to despise- as he abandoned any pretense of fiscal rectitude in favor of even bigger tax cuts than the Bush tax cuts he'd once voted against, and hedged his position on climate change to accommodate fossil fuel interests- I sensed a change taking place in him. He seemed pained, uncertain- the once jaunty, irreverent warrior transformed into a cranky Washington insider, lassoed to an incumbent president with an approval rating around 30 percent and a hugely unpopular war. ** p. 153 * Short, owlish, with a smooth Kentucky accent, McConnell seemed an unlikely Republican leader. He showed no aptitude for schmoozing, backslapping, or rousing oratory. As far as anyone could tell, he had no close friends even in his own caucus, nor did he appear to have any strong convictions beyond an almost religious opposition to any version of campaign finance reform. Joe told me of one run-in he'd had on the Senate floor after the Republican leader blocked a bill Joe was sponsoring; when Joe tried to explain the bill's merits, McConnell raised his hand like a traffic cop and said, "You must be under the mistaken impression that I care." But what McConnell lacked in charisma or interest in policy he more than made up for in discipline, shrewdness, and shamelessness- all of which he employed in the single-minded and dispassionate pursuit of power. ** p. 245-246 ===2022=== *As we grieve the children of Uvalde today, we should take time to recognize that two years have passed since the murder of George Floyd under the knee of a police officer. His killing stays with us all to this day, especially those who loved him. **25 May 2022 [https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/1529555038246428672 tweet] === 2023 === ==== Remarks at the 2023 [[w:Obama Foundation|Obama Foundation]] Democracy Forum (November 2023) ==== :<small>[https://barackobama.medium.com/my-remarks-at-the-2023-democracy-forum-32609c7ec237 Remarks at the 2023 Democracy Forum (3 November 2023)]</small> [[File:Obama logo (18216890).jpg |thumb|As heartbreaking as the news is right now — and it is heartbreaking — as daunting as all the challenges that we face may be, I stand here convinced that it is within our power, or more specifically within your power to make this world better.]] * As we speak, the world feels more unstable and more dangerous than it has in a very long time. Russia’s brutal invasion of Ukraine continues to challenge the international order. This summer delivered record breaking temperatures across the planet, with an uptick in drought and flooding and wildfires. <br /> Right here in America, but also around the world, we’ve seen a continued assault on democratic norms, escalating political polarization, a lot of it fueled by a steady stream of misinformation, and bile on social media. <br /> And of course, over the last few weeks, we have watched a deadly struggle unfold in the Middle East, triggered by the horrific murder of more than 1,400 mostly civilian Israelis, many of them children, at the hands of Hamas, as well as the abduction of over 200 hostages; and then an Israeli response that has so far resulted in the displacement of well over a million people, the death of at least 9,000 Palestinian civilians, thousands of them also children, the cutoff of water, food, electricity to a captive population that risks creating an even greater humanitarian crisis. <br /> And all of this is taking place against the backdrop of decades of failure to achieve a durable peace for both Israelis and Palestinians, one that is based on genuine security for Israel, a recognition of its right to exist, and a peace that is based on an end of the occupation and the creation of a viable state and self-determination for the Palestinian people. * I will admit it is impossible to be dispassionate in the face of this carnage. It is hard to feel hopeful. The images of families mourning, of bodies being pulled from rubble force a moral reckoning on all of us. The ensuing debate has roiled college campuses, divided friends and allies, laid bare generational divides, and set off a surge of antisemitism and anti-Muslim sentiment. <br /> Even here, within our Obama Foundation family, we’ve had to sort through our anguish, our outrage, our fears, and our differences on the issues. Not so much differences in the outcome we wish for. I had a conversation with a group of you around this issue, and you were passionate and pushed me around some of the public statements I had made. <br /> The issue is not a wish for different outcomes, an end to the killing, peaceful coexistence between two sovereign and free peoples, but rather different assessments of the path that we need to take in order to get there, and the roles each of us have to play in order to maximize the chances of what seems impossible right now. <br /> And yet, as heartbreaking as the news is right now — and it is heartbreaking — as daunting as all the challenges that we face may be, I stand here convinced that it is within our power, or more specifically within your power to make this world better. <br /> That’s what this Democracy Forum is all about. It’s an affirmation of our shared, unyielding belief that war and racial division and religious conflict and poverty and hunger and catastrophic climate change are not inevitable. * We’re here because we believe that humanity can bridge our differences and make better choices, that we can see each other and listen to each other, and imagine each other’s hardships and pain, and that this better future is most likely to happen under democratic systems of government, democracies in which everyone’s dignity is recognized, where the rule of law and human rights are respected by everybody, where people have a voice in how they’re governed, where we all have a stake in maintaining the social order, and where we can disagree with each other, sometimes bitterly, without losing sight of the ties that bind us together. <br /> That’s why we’re here. That’s the work you’re doing. And if we’re right, that a renewed commitment to democracy is a key ingredient to solving all our other big challenges. <br /> And we have so much more work to do. Because right now, we’re up against a set of economic and technological and cultural trends that are sweeping across the globe, and they’re weakening people’s commitment to democratic values. And they are promoting violence, and domination. And they’re making us blind to each other. And they’re making us cynical about our capacity to work together and govern ourselves. === 2024 === *"Part of what happened is that whole ecosystem moved onto social media. And once it's on social media and it's on an algorithm, and everybody's just getting their news selected, essentially to suit their biases. Penetrating that is real tough. It is very hard." **[https://deepcast.fm/episode/14628/3-presidents#quotes/ "3 Presidents" on SmartLess, found on DeepCast] (29 April 2024) * Bad debate nights happen. Trust me, I know. But this election is still a choice between someone who has fought for ordinary folks his entire life and someone who only cares about himself. Between someone who tells the truth; who knows right from wrong and will give it to the American people straight — and someone who lies through his teeth for his own benefit. Last night didn’t change that, and it’s why so much is at stake in November. ** [https://x.com/BarackObama/status/1806758633230709017 X Post (28 June 2024)] regarding the debate between [[Joe Biden]] and [[Donald Trump]]; also quoted in [https://www.nbcnewyork.com/decision-2024/barack-obama-joe-biden-presidential-debate-reaction/5551290/ "‘Bad debate nights happen': Barack Obama backs President Biden amid debate criticism", ''NBC News'' (28 June 2028)] *'''“No matter how much you've done or how successful you've been, there's always more to do, always more to learn and always more to achieve.”[https://www.revolt.tv/article/15-inspirational-barack-obama-quotes]''' {{misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * We are no longer a Christian nation; we are now a nation of Christians, Jews, Muslims, Buddhists. ** Misquoted in similar letters to the editor to the ''San Angelo Standard-Times'', {{#formatdate:2008-07-29}} and the ''Inland Valley Daily Bulletin'', {{#formatdate:2008-07-29}}, and many identical posts under different names to various online news sites, quoted in {{citation | date = 2008-08-26 | title = Obama and the “Christian Nation” Quote | periodical = Factcheck.org | url = http://www.factcheck.org/2008/08/obama-and-the-christian-nation-quote/ }} ** President Obama actually said, in his keynote address to ''Sojourners'' magazine's "Call to Renewal" conference on {{#formatdate:2006-06-28}} (see above), "Whatever we once were, we are no longer a Christian nation — at least, not ''just''. We are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, a Buddhist nation, and a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers." * I found a solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against my mother's race. ** Circulated in [http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "A Coil of Rage"], a 2011 mass e-mail attributing several fabricated quotations to Obama. ** Originally a statement about Obama by Steve Sailer from "Obama's Identity Crisis", ''The American Conservative'' ({{#formatdate:2007-03-06}}), recast into first-person as if said by Obama: *** And yet, at least through age 33 when he wrote ''Dreams from My Father'', he found solace in nursing a pervasive sense of grievance and animosity against his mother's race. * I never emulate white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela. ** Circulated in [http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "A Coil of Rage"], a 2011 mass e-mail attributing several fabricated quotations to Obama. ** Obama actually wrote, in ''[[Dreams from My Father]]'', p. 220: *** Yes, I'd seen weakness in other men — Gramps and his disappointments, Lolo [my adoptive father] and his compromise. But these men had become object lessons for me, men I might love but never emulate, <span style="color:gray">white men and brown men whose fates didn't speak to my own. It was into my father's image, the black man, son of Africa, that I'd packed all the attributes I sought in myself, the attributes of Martin and Malcolm, DuBois and Mandela.</span> * I will stand with the Muslims should the political winds shift in an ugly direction. ** Circulated in [http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/coilofrage.asp "A Coil of Rage"], a 2011 mass e-mail attributing several fabricated quotations to Obama. ** Obama actually wrote, in ''[[The Audacity of Hope]]'', p. 261: *** In the wake of 9/11, my meetings with Arab and Pakistani Americans, for example, have a more urgent quality, for the stories of detentions and FBI questioning and hard stares from neighbors have shaken their sense of security and belonging. They have been reminded that the history of immigration in this country has a dark underbelly; they need specific reassurances that their citizenship really means something, that America has learned the right lessons from the Japanese internments during World War II, and that <span style="color:gray">I will stand with</span> them <span style="color:gray">should the political winds shift in an ugly direction</span> * If we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose. ** Misattributed by Mitt Romney "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H3a7FC0Jkv8 Believe in America]" campaign ad ({{#formatdate:2011-11-21}}) ** Senator Barack Obama quoted those words in a New Hampshire campaign speech on {{#formatdate:2008-10-16}}, saying "[[John McCain|Senator McCain]]'s campaign actually said, and I quote, <span style="color:gray">'If we keep talking about the economy, we're going to lose.'</span>" *** {{cite web | date = 2011-11-22 | title = Mitt Romney ad charges Obama said, 'If we keep talking about the economy, we’re going to lose' | work = Politifact | url = http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/nov/22/mitt-romney/mitt-romney-says-obama-said-if-we-keep-talking-abo/ | accessdate = 2012-10-08 }} * Unlike some people, I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. ** Misquoted by {{cite web | date = 2012-04-18 | author = Allahpundit | title = Obama: Unlike some people, I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth | work = Hot Air | url = http://hotair.com/archives/2012/04/18/obama-unlike-some-people-i-wasnt-born-with-a-silver-spoon-in-my-mouth/ | accessdate = 2012-10-08 }}, and publicized by {{w|Steve Doocy}}, ''{{w|Fox & Friends}}'' ({{#formatdate:2012-04-19}}), Fox News ** President Obama actually said, in a [http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2012/04/18/president-obama-speaks-skills-american-workers campaign speech in Elyria, Ohio] on {{#formatdate:2012-04-18}}, "Somebody gave me an education. <span style="color:gray">I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.</span> Michelle wasn't. But somebody gave us a chance, just like these folks up here are looking for a chance." *** {{citation | date = 2012-04-23 | title = Steve Doocy's Silver Spoon Subtext Reporting | periodical = The Colbert Report | publisher = Comedy Central | url = http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/413071/april-23-2012/steve-doocy-s-subtext-reporting }} * If you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. If you've got a business, you didn't build that, somebody else made that happen. ** Misquoted by Mitt Romney "[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLZpMFbxyxU These Hands]" campaign ad ({{#formatdate:2012-07-19}})<!--formerly at http://www.mittromney.com/forms/these-hands0--> *** {{cite web | date = 2012-07-19 | title = Romney video deceptively edits Obama speech to make it sound anti-business | first = Greg | last = Sargent | blog = The Plum Line | publisher = {{w|The Washington Post}} | url = http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/plum-line/post/the-morning-plum-romney-video-deceptively-edits-obama-speech-to-make-it-sound-anti-business/2012/07/19/gJQAoRpavW_blog.html | accessdate = 2012-10-08 }} ** The [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lr49t4-2b8 Web version of the ad] uses a <span style="color:grey">longer misquote</span>: "If you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own. You didn't get there on your own. I'm always struck by people who think, "well, it must be because I was just so smart." There are a lot of smart people out there. "It must be because I worked harder than everybody else." Let me tell you something — if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen. ** Splices two parts of a speech in Roanoke, Virginia on {{#formatdate:2012-07-13}} (see above). Full quote: ***<p>There are a lot of wealthy, successful Americans who agree with me — because they want to give something back. They know they didn't — look, <span style="color:darkgrey">if you've been successful, you didn't get there on your own.</span> <span style="color:grey">You didn't get there on your own. I'm always struck by people who think, "well, it must be because I was just so smart." There are a lot of smart people out there. "It must be because I worked harder than everybody else." Let me tell you something —</span> there are a whole bunch of hardworking people out there.</p><p>If you were successful, somebody along the line gave you some help. There was a great teacher somewhere in your life. Somebody helped to create this unbelievable American system that we have that allowed you to thrive. Somebody invested in roads and bridges; <span style="color:darkgrey">if you've got a business, you didn't build that. Somebody else made that happen.</span> The Internet didn't get invented on its own. Government research created the Internet so that all the companies could make money off the Internet.</p> * These types of mass shootings don't happen in other countries. ** Taken out of context in an [http://buzzpo.com/hours-after-paris-terror-attacks-meme-surfaces-that-calls-obama-out/ Internet meme]. Two sources for the original quote are: *** "At some point, we as a country will have to reckon with the fact that this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries. It doesn’t happen in other places with this kind of frequency." {{citation | date = 2015-06-18 | title = Statement by the President on the Shooting in Charleston, South Carolina | url = https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/06/18/statement-president-shooting-charleston-south-carolina }} *** "We are the only advanced country on Earth that sees these kinds of mass shootings every few months." {{citation | date = 2015-10-01 | title = Statement by the President on the Shootings at Umpqua Community College, Roseburg, Oregon | url = https://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2015/10/01/statement-president-shootings-umpqua-community-college-roseburg-oregon }} ** Cf. Obama in [[Paris]] on December 1st, 2015: "I say this every time we've got one of these mass shootings; this just doesn't happen in other countries." (Paris itself had just been "hit with a series of [[November 2015 Paris attacks|simultaneous terrorist attacks]]. The majority of 130 deaths were in mass shooting attacks, where the [[ISIS]]-affiliated terrorists attacked public places with automatic rifles." — as reported in {{citation | date = 2015-12-01 | title = Obama Speaking in Paris: Mass Shootings ‘Don’t Happen in Other Countries’ | author = Alex Griswold | newspaper = mediaite.com | url = http://www.mediaite.com/tv/obama-speaking-in-paris-mass-shootings-dont-happen-in-other-countries/ }}). {{misattributed end}} == Quotes about Obama == :<small>Alphabetized by author </small> [[File:Wandbild Portrait George Floyd von Eme Street Art im Mauerpark (Berlin).jpg|thumb|[[Neoliberalism]] with a Black face is neither the index of a revolutionary advance nor the end of anti-Blackness as a constituent element of U.S. antagonisms. If anything, the election of Obama enables a plethora of shaming discourses in response to revolutionary politics and “legitimates” widespread disavowal of any notion that the United States itself, and not merely its policies and practices, is unethical. ~ [[Frank Wilderson]]]] [[File:Obamas and Bidens at Lincoln Memorial 1-18-09 hires 090118-N-9954T-057.jpg|thumb|I mean, you got the first mainstream African American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man. ~ [[Joe Biden]] ]] [[File:Five Presidents 2009.jpg|thumb|People don't come to Obama for what he's done in the Senate. They come because of what they hope he could be. ~ [[w:Bruce Reed|Bruce Reed]] ]] [[File:Oprah Winfrey with Barack and Michelle Obama.jpg|thumb|It felt like a new day. ~ [[Oprah Winfrey]] ]] [[File:President Bush, Barack Obama walking.jpg|thumb|If the U.S. government had prosecuted [[G.W. Bush|Bush administration]] officials for their war crimes during the “war on terror,” the [[ICC]] would not now take jurisdiction. But after [[Barack Obama]]  said, “Generally speaking, I’m more interested in looking forward than I am in looking backwards,” his administration refused to prosecute those implicated in the torture and willful killings of detainees during the Bush administration. ~[[Marjorie Cohn]]]] === A === * Obama wants to rule the world, but he can't even control his own emotions, he doesn't even know how to spell his own name properly. **[[Mahmoud Ahmadinejad]], reported on [http://politics.blogs.foxnews.com/2011/02/18/ahmadinejad-obama-cant-spell-obama#ixzz1pkEko0Id/ Fox News] (18 February 2011) * For all President Trump's talk these days about Democrats trying to make America socialist, the reality is that he is the king of big government. The federal bureaucracy is just as large, centralized, careless with spending, and intrusive under Donald Trump as it was when Barack Obama was in office. In many cases, it's bigger. This is an uncomfortable truth for Trump supporters. Rather than hew to traditional conservative beliefs about a limited federal role, Trump has allowed government to balloon. He's especially vexed when we inform him the government will never be large enough or powerful enough to execute his spontaneous propositions. The US federal budget deficit was actually declining under the Obama administration, from $1.4 trillion in 2009 when Obama took office to $587 billion in 2016, just before he left. Credit for the remarkable downward trend goes to congressional Republicans, who forced a standoff with the White House in 2011. They demanded a budget deal that would bring the deficit under control. This was the Budget Control Act, a law that slashed federal spending, put strict annual limits on future expenditures, and placed a cap on the government's "credit card." It was considered the conservative "Tea Party" movement's crowning achievement. ** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 99-100 * Not a single day goes by that President Trump's outrageous statements don't confound someone on his team, if not all of us. I know other administrations dealt with this every once in a while. Obama's cabinet officials complained quietly that their boss would talk an issue to death and couldn't make up his mind. Bush aides winced at the president's foot-in-mouth moments. However, I also know that none of them had to deal with these frustrations on a daily basis. ** Anonymous, ''A Warning'' (2019), p. 190 * I am reminded of the phrase the audacity of hope. Who can say that the president of the United States is not audacious? Was it not audacious for him to say on Tuesday that the United States supported the forces of change in the {{w|Arab Spring}}? * Tunisian history did not begin in December 2010. And {{w|Mohamed Bouazizi}} did not set himself on fire so Barack Obama could be re-elected. His death was an emblem of the despair he had to endure under the [[w:Zine El Abidine Ben Ali|Ben Ali]] regime. The world knew after reading {{w|WikiLeaks}} publications that Ben Ali and his government had long enjoyed the indifference, if not the support, of the United States in full knowledge of its excesses and its crimes. ** [[Julian Assange]], address to United Nations, {{#formatdate:2012-09-26}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-09-26 | title = Assange Addresses UN Members, Lambasts Obama’s UN Address for Rewriting History | first = Kevin | last = Gosztola | periodical = Firedoglake | url = http://dissenter.firedoglake.com/2012/09/26/assange-addresses-un-members-lambasts-obamas-un-address-for-rewriting-history/ | accessdate = 2012-09-27 }} * He’s gentle towards the Muslims generally. Obama uses the word “terrorism” far less than his predecessor George W. Bush, and his name is a variant of the Arabic word {{w|Barakah}}. ** [[Hassan al-Turabi]] in [http://english.alarabiya.net/articles/2012/11/05/247718.html "‘Baraka’ means blessing, that’s why Obama should win: Sudan Islamist" in ''Al Arabiya'' (5 November 2012)] === B === * '''[[Glenn Beck]]''': This president, I think, has exposed himself as a guy, over and over and over again, who has a deep-seated hatred for white people, or the white culture, I don't know what it is.<br>'''[[Brian Kilmeade]]''': Listen, you can't say he doesn't like white people. [[w:David Axelrod (political consultant)|David Axelrod]]'s white, [[w:Rahm Emanuel|Rahm Emanuel]]'s his chief of staff, I think 70% of the people we see every day are white. [[w:Robert Gibbs|Robert Gibbs]] is white—<br />'''Glenn Beck''': I'm not saying that he doesn't like white people, I'm saying he has a ''problem''. He has a — this guy is, I believe, a ''racist''. ** [[Glenn Beck]], {{citation |title = Fox & Friends |date = 2009-07-28}} ** {{citation | title = Beck: Obama has "exposed himself as a guy" with "a deep-seated hatred for white people" | date = 2009-07-28 | periodical = [[w:Media Matters for America|Media Matters for America]] | url = http://mediamatters.org/mmtv/200907280008}} * ''Ho detto a Medvedev che Obama ha tutto per andare d'accordo con lui: è giovane, bello e anche abbronzato.'' * Translation: Barack Obama being young, handsome and sun-tanned is going to get along with you swimmingly. ** [[Silvio Berlusconi]] to [[w:Dmitry Medvedev|Dmitry Medvedev]], as reported in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7715016.stm ''BBC News'' (7 November 2008)] ** As quoted in [http://www.rainews24.it/Notizia.asp?NewsId=87987 ''Rainnews 24'' (6 November 2008)] * I would say [..] he's probably the smartest guy ever to become president. ** {{w|Michael Beschloss}}. [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2011/jan/4/presidents-incomplete-report-card/] * I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man. **Senator [[Joe Biden]], D-Del., about running for the Democratic nomination against Obama, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/story?id=2838420&page=1 "A Biden Problem: Foot in Mouth" by Jake Tapper at ABCNews.com (31 January 2007)] * '''No President of the United States could represent the United States were he not committed to human rights.''' If you don’t understand this, you can’t deal with us. '''President Barack Obama would not be able to stay in power if he did not speak of it. So look at it as a political imperative. It doesn’t make us better or worse. It’s who we are. You make your decisions. We’ll make ours.''' ** [[Joe Biden]] in a conversation with [[Xi Jinping]], as quoted in Osnos, Evan (6 April 2012). "''[https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red Born Red: How Xi Jinping, an unremarkable provincial administrator, became China's most authoritarian leader since Mao.]''" The New Yorker. Retrieved 10 October 2019. [https://web.archive.org/web/20191010174203/https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2015/04/06/born-red Archieved] from the original on October 10, 2019. * Obama blames economic woes, some real some manufactured (“inequality”) on a philosophy and policy that was abandoned a century ago. What doesn’t exist is what he says didn’t work.<br /> Obama absurdly suggests that timid, half-hearted, compromisers, like George W. Bush, installed laissez-faire capitalism–on the grounds that they tinkered with one or two regulations (Glass-Steagall) and marginal tax rates–while blanking out the fact that under the Bush administration, government spending ballooned, growing much faster than under Clinton, and 50,000 new regulations were added to the Federal Register. **[[w:Harry Binswanger|Harry Binswanger]] in [http://www.forbes.com/sites/harrybinswanger/2013/12/31/obama-to-americans-you-dont-deserve-to-be-free/ ''Forbes'' (31 December 2013)] * Did NATO have problems? Of course. Not for nothing was Henry Kissinger's famous 1965 work entitled ''The Troubled Partnership: A Reappraisal of the Atlantic Alliance''. The list of NATO's deficiencies was long, including, after the Soviet Union's 1991 collapse, the feckless abandonment by several European members of their responsibility to provide for their own self-defense. Under President Clinton, America suffered its own military declines, as he and others saw the collapse of Communism as "the end of history," slashing defense budgets to spend on politically beneficial domestic welfare programs. This "peace dividend" illusion never ended in much of Europe, but it ended in America with the September 11 mass murders in New York and Washington by Islamicist terrorists. NATO's future has been intensely debated among national-security experts for decades, with many urging a broader post-Cold War agenda. Barack Obama criticized NATO members for being "free riders," not spending adequately on their own defense budgets, but, typically, he had simply graced the world with his views, doing nothing to see them carried out. ** [[John Bolton]], ''The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir'' (2020), p. 133-134 * Americans still admire dignity. But the word has become unmoored from any larger set of rules or ethical system. <br> But it’s not right to end on a note of cultural pessimism because there is the fact of President Obama. Whatever policy differences people may have with him, we can all agree that he exemplifies reticence, dispassion and the other traits associated with dignity. The cultural effects of his presidency are not yet clear, but they may surpass his policy impact. He may revitalize the concept of dignity for a new generation and embody a new set of rules for self-mastery. ** [[David Brooks]] in [http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/opinion/07brooks.html?_r=1 "In Search of Dignity" in ''The New York Times'' (6 July 2009)] * I think that Obama doesn’t like his job, actually. I think that he is genuinely of a professorial disposition in the sense that I think that he’s interested in chewing over the pros and cons, and he doesn’t like, he doesn’t like power and he doesn’t know how to exercise power. And I think knowing how to exercise power is absolutely crucial. He doesn’t understand how to underpin his ideas with the political gritty, granular business of getting it done. And that kind of gap has just widened and widened and widened. ** [[Tina Brown]] on ''{{w|Morning Joe}}'', November 30, 2011.[http://newsbusters.org/blogs/mark-finkelstein/2011/11/30/tina-brown-obama-doesnt-his-job] * '''In 2008, many of Barack Obama’s supporters thought they might be electing another [[John F. Kennedy]]. But his recent maneuvers increasingly suggest that they selected another [[Dwight Eisenhower]].''' <br> That’s not a comment on President Obama’s effectiveness or ideology, but rather on his conception of presidential leadership. Whether he is confronting the turmoil reshaping the Middle East or the escalating budget wars in Washington, '''Obama most often uses a common set of strategies to pursue his goals. Those strategies have less in common with Kennedy’s inspirational, public-oriented leadership than with the muted, indirect, and targeted Eisenhower model that political scientist''' [http://www.princeton.edu/~fig/ '''Fred Greenstein'''] '''memorably described as a “hidden hand” presidency.'''<br>This approach has allowed Obama to achieve many of his domestic and international aims — from passing the health reform legislation that marked its stormy first anniversary this week to encouraging Egypt’s peaceful transfer of power. But, like it did for Eisenhower, this style has exposed Obama to charges of passivity, indecisiveness, and leading from behind. The pattern has left even some of his supporters uncertain whether he is shrewd — or timid. ** Ronald Brownstein, in [http://www.nationaljournal.com/columns/political-connections/obama-a-lot-like-ike-20110324 "Like Ike" in ''National Journal'' (25 March 2011)] [[File:Jfk2.jpg|thumb|President Obama is no JFK. He lacks the decisiveness, the ability to command, the knowledge of the world, the understanding of the moment, and the sense of history that was at the core of JFK’s presidency. ~ [[Brent Budowsky]].]] *'''President Obama is no JFK. He lacks the decisiveness, the ability to command, the knowledge of the world, the understanding of the moment, and the sense of history that was at the core of JFK’s presidency.''' **[[Brent Budowsky]], as quoted in [https://observer.com/2015/11/barack-obama-is-no-jfk/ ''Barack Obama Is No JFK''] (25 November 2015) *Instead of acknowledging that the current policy needs to be strengthened—as JFK acknowledged when he took responsibility for the Bay of Pigs failure—Mr. Obama claimed success for his current policy and offered literally nothing new except for calling on other nations to take stronger action. **[[Brent Budowsky]], as quoted in [https://observer.com/2015/11/barack-obama-is-no-jfk/ ''Barack Obama Is No JFK''] (25 November 2015) *When we heard that the president was going to be speaking, we knew we needed to make our presence known. If ever there was a moment in our lifetimes when it should truly matter that we had a Black president, now was that time, we felt. But President Barack Obama had not shown up for us. Why hadn't he come to Ferguson to be on the ground with us? He hadn't acknowledged Frontline's leadership. He'd had a meeting at the White House in December 2014 with activists from our movement, but not one person from Frontline had been invited. Why hadn't he opened the door to all of us? Here in Selma, we had the opportunity to make it known that President Obama had not met the moment. I expected him to show up for us, to come to what we called "ground zero" so that we could tell him what was really happening. I believed if he set foot onto West Florissant Avenue in the early days of our protests, or onto South Florissant Road, where the protests had moved to, the aggressive and violent treatment of protesters would cease. Maybe he could ease some of the burden that Michael Brown Jr.'s family carried as they were villainized while working to seek accountability for his death. He was a Black president, and regular, everyday Black people needed him just to show up. Presence can speak volumes. **[[Cori Bush]] ''The Forerunner: A Story of Pain and Perseverance in America'' (2022) p 190 *[[w:Barack Obama|President Obama]]'s got plenty of critics, and I'm not going to be one. **[[George W. Bush]], [http://www.nbcnews.com/video/nbc-news/40073863#40074095 Interview with Matt Lauer] (2010), aired 8 November 2010. *Frankly, I think it's bad for former presidents. I like the model of President [[Gerald Ford|Ford]] and [[George H. W. Bush|my dad]]. When they got off the stage, you get off the stage. It's somebody else's turn, and I don't think it's good for the country nor the presidency for me to be criticizing my successor, and I don't intend to do that. Nor do I intend to be giving you my opinion, on the latest issue. So you're not going to see much of me, and I'm perfectly content with that. I'm a happy guy, I really am. **[[George W. Bush]], [http://www.c-span.org/video/?297693-1/qa-former-president-george-w-bush ''Q&A with Former President George W. Bush''] (24 January 2011), C-SPAN, Southern Methodist University, Dallas, Texas. === C === *He doesn't put much stock in pageantry and drumming up insignias of power to convey authority. Obama was and remains at ease with himself, and that gave him a solidity that conveyed authority more genuinely and effectively than any of the usual supports politicians use…President Obama had clearly succeeded in increasing opportunity for all Americans, bringing the economy back from the Great Recession and expanding health care to millions more Americans. **[[Julian Castro]] ''An Unlikely Journey: Waking Up from My American Dream'' (2018) * President Obama is so much smarter and a better communicator than members of Congress in either party. The contrast, side by side, is almost ridiculous. ** {{w|Jonathan Chait}}, as quoted in [http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/mar/02/pruden-crucial-fdr-lesson-mr-obama-missed/ ''PRUDEN: An FDR lesson Obama missed'' by Wesley Pruden in ''The Washingtin Times'' (March 2, 2010)] * Mr. Obama decided to attack us, Now you want to win votes by attacking Venezuela. Don't be irresponsible. You are a clown, a clown. Leave us in peace … Go after your votes by fulfilling that which you promised your people. **[[Hugo Chavez]] in a [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1211/70694.html#ixzz1pBQ11D9Z/ response to Obama after he criticized Venezuela’s ties with Iran and Cuba] * I can't think of a time when I felt it was more important for us to defeat an incumbent president today with respect to Barack Obama. I think he has been an unmitigated disaster to the country. ** Former Vice President [[Dick Cheney]], [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2012/04/15/cheney_obama_has_been_an_unmitigated_disaster_to_the_country.html to the Wyoming Republican Party state convention (15 April 2012)] * A gift for reading from a teleprompter is not the same as leadership. ** [[Elizabeth Cheney]], in a [http://gatewaypundit.firstthings.com/2010/05/liz-cheney-on-obamas-response-to-bp-oil-spill-a-gift-for-reading-the-teleprompter-is-not-the-same-as-leadership-video/ remark (30 May 2010)] *If the [[U.S. government]] had prosecuted [[W:George W. Bush|Bush administration]] officials for their [[war crimes]] during the “war on terror,” the [[ICC]] would not now take jurisdiction. But after [[Barack Obama]] said, “Generally speaking, I’m more interested in looking forward than I am in looking backwards,” his administration refused to prosecute those implicated in the [[torture]] and willful killings of detainees during the Bush administration. **[[Marjorie Cohn]] in [https://truthout.org/articles/team-trump-tried-to-bully-the-icc-into-dropping-war-crimes-probe-but-failed/ Team Trump Tried to Bully the ICC Into Dropping War Crimes Probe But Failed, by Marjorie Cohn, ''Truthout''] (10 March 2020) * I know when you look at Washington right now, you shake your head at a president who can’t figure out how to lead, at a Congress that only 11 percent of the people in the last poll I saw approve of the job they’re doing. That’s what happens when you have someone in the executive office who is more concerned about being right than he is concerned about getting things done ** [[w:Chris Christie|Chris Christie]], [http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2013/06/christie_obama_not_an_effective_leader.html#/0 Christie: Obama 'can't figure out how to lead' (28 June 2013)] * The nonsense about President Obama being a Muslim has got to stop. I rise to defend him from this absurd accusation by pointing out that he is obviously an atheist. ** [[Ann Coulter]], [http://www.humanevents.com/article.php?id=38812 "Obama Is Not A Muslim" (1 September 2010)] *So when black Americans refer to Obama as "one of us," I do not know what they are talking about. In his new book, ''The Audacity of Hope'', Obama makes it clear that, while he has experienced some light versions of typical racial stereotypes, he cannot claim those problems as his own — nor has he lived the life of a black American. ** Stanley Crouch, in [http://web.archive.org/web/20070308142850/www.nydailynews.com/news/ideas_opinions/story/467300p-393261c.html "What Obama isn't: black like me" (2 November 2006)] ===D=== *How does the rest of the world perceive America under Obama? We're the nation that stood by and didn't lift a finger when the Iranian public was protesting their government. We voiced no support and did not try to help in any significant way, and the protest was soon quelled. We're the nation that drew red lines in Syria and watched them being crossed without a whimper. We're the nation that only uttered a few lukewarm words as Putin invaded the Crimea and the Ukraine. We're the nation that traded five of the world's most dangerous terrorists for one American deserter. We're the nation that gave away the store to insure that Iran can finance its terrorist attacks and be assured of having a nuclear device in a few years. We're the nation that lets anybody who wants to walk across our southern border free rein to do so, and we are the nation that provides sanctuary cities to give them refuge. ** [[Charlie Daniels]], [http://www.cnsnews.com/commentary/charlie-daniels/charlie-daniels-open-letter-americas-enemies-you-see-obama-you-dont-know "Letter to America's enemies"] (15 February 2016), ''CNS News''. *In many ways, she ([[Fannie Lou Hamer]]) paved the way for Barack Obama. **[[Angela Y. Davis]], ''Freedom Is a Constant Struggle'' (2015) *(What do you think of the nation's first Black president?) There are moments of enormous possibility, and the election was such a moment. People all over the world felt as if we were moving toward a new world. However brief that sense of euphoria was, we should not forget that. That allows us to understand what possibilities might reside in the future. [But] many people tended to deposit so many aspirations in this single individual that they failed-we failed-to do the work [to take] better advantage of that moment. People went to the polls and said, "We've done our job," and left it up to Obama. **2014 interview in ''Conversations with [[Angela Davis]]'' Edited by Sharon Lynette Jones (2021) *It's a difficult moment, given the economic crises all over the world, but at the same time there have been sparks of hope. The revolutions in the Middle East gave some hope to people around the world; so did the Occupy movement. We need some staying power. We need to feel that it is possible to pursue things in the US such as free health care, which we still don't have... even though Barack Obama is quite right when he boasts that he was responsible for the first major legislation on health care in the history of the country since the New Deal. We still have a long way to go. We may be powerless as individuals-and even someone like Obama may be relatively powerless as an individual-to do things that will be bring us a better world. But if we come together, we can build movements and put pressure on the major political figures. This is what we need to be doing in the coming months before the election. The first time around, we elected Obama for what this election meant: the historical election of an African American to the presidency. We were doing it for him. This time, we need to think about ourselves. We need to do it for us. Then we need to continue that movement after the election. **2012 interview in ''Conversations with [[Angela Davis]]'' Edited by Sharon Lynette Jones (2021) * "Like many people, I'm sure Obama is an [[atheist]]" ** [[Richard Dawkins]] (2013), in his interview with [[Bill Maher]] * I am excited. Of course, I'm endorsing Senator Obama. He has made that decision and I think this is an exciting time for the country. It brings a new voice in regards to what is taking place far too long in Washington D.C., the lack of moving the agenda forward in regard to the quality of life for the people of America. ** [[w:Richard M. Daley|Richard Daley]], mayor of Chicago, as quoted in [http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/politics/chi-070210daley-obama-story,0,4825836.story?coll=chi-news-hed "Daley endorses Obama for president" in ''The Chicago Tribune'' (10 February 2007)] *In many ways, she ([[Fannie Lou Hamer]]) paved the way for Barack Obama. **[[Angela Y. Davis]], ''Freedom Is a Constant Struggle'' (2015) * I'm going to tell you something: That boy's finger does not need to be on the button. ** {{w|Geoff Davis}}, commenting on Obama's readiness for the responsibility of controlling the US nuclear arsenal, as quoted in [http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/0408/Secrecy_and_propriety_in_Kentucky.html Ben Smith: A running conversation about politics" at ''Politico'' (14 April 2008)] * Barack Obama has way way way overdone religion. He's trying to overcome the false notion that he has some sort of sympathy with Islam, and therefore he is more Christian than the Christians. ** {{w|Alan Dershowitz}}, interview to ''{{w|Shalom TV}}''{{'}}s Mark S. Golub.[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FscSs-_IL0] * President Barack Obama loves to quote the lyrical closing lines of [[Abraham Lincoln]]'s First Inaugural Address, calling on “the better angels of our nature” to overcome partisan hatreds and political divisions. Obama cited those words in his own inaugural proclamation and rested his hand on Lincoln’s Bible when he took the oath of office. He has come back to those angels again and again ever since. … He used the phrase to eulogize [[Ted Kennedy]], to chide a would-be Quran burner in Florida, and to say goodbye to chief of staff [[Rahm Emanuel]]. Obama, it seems, sees better angels just about everywhere. Even as he traveled in India this week he talked about his efforts to live up to the example of [[Mahatma Gandhi]], [[Martin Luther King Jr.]], and, yes, Abraham Lincoln. <br> But in light of today's real-world politics, Obama should think a little harder about the context in which Lincoln summoned those better angels on March 4, 1861. Led by South Carolina (now home to Sen. [[w:Jim DeMint|Jim DeMint]], seven of 33 states had already seceded from the Union to form the Confederacy at that point. … If, in the end, Lincoln did manage to hold the Union together, it was not because of the better angels of human nature, but because he finally found the killer angels among his generals who could, and did, and at enormous cost, crush the secessionists. ** [[w:Christopher Dickey|Christopher Dickey]], in [http://www.newsweek.com/2010/11/10/better-angels-and-killer-angels.html "Better Angels and Killer Angels" in ''Newsweek'' (10 November 2010)] * Lincoln had an ally then of a kind that Obama could use now. Lincoln's old rival from Illinois, [[Stephen Douglas]], whose party had been split by the fire-eaters and whom Lincoln defeated at the polls, became a wise and vital friend. In the months between the inauguration and Douglas’s early death in June 1861, the “little giant,” as he was known, spent many long hours talking to Lincoln about how best to preserve the Union—and compromise wasn’t part of the picture. … “You do not know the dishonest purposes of those men as I do,” he told Lincoln. <br> What both of those great politicians understood by then was that there may be better angels in the nature of some people, but there are others who are willing to weaken, even destroy a nation to serve their own self-righteous self-interest, and they will do it in the name of the Constitution. If Obama hasn’t learned that yet, perhaps it’s time he did. ** {{w|Christopher Dickey}}, in "Better Angels and Killer Angels" in ''Newsweek'' (10 November 2010) * Our President is trapped in his father's time machine. Incredibly, the U.S. is being ruled according to the dreams of a [[w:Barack Obama, Sr.|Luo tribesman]] of the 1950s. This philandering, inebriated African socialist, who raged against the world for denying him the realization of his anticolonial ambitions, is now setting the nation's agenda through the reincarnation of his dreams in his son. The son makes it happen, but he candidly admits he is only living out his father's dream. The invisible father provides the inspiration, and the son dutifully gets the job done. America today is governed by a ghost. ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], [http://www.forbes.com/forbes/2010/0927/politics-socialism-capitalism-private-enterprises-obama-business-problem.html "How Obama Thinks"], ''Forbes'' (9 September 2010). * How, for example, did Obama get elected as a complete unknown? [...] There is a one word answer: slavery. America's national guilt over slavery continues to benefit Obama, who ironically is not himself descended from slaves. ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), ch. 1. * Here's the formula for Obama's success: "They work, and you eat." ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), ch. 14. * If we think of the ''Titanic'' as symbolizing the American era, Obama wants that ship to go down. Obama is the architect of American decline, and progressivism is the ideology of American suicide. ** [[Dinesh D'Souza]], ''America: Imagine a World without Her'' (2014), ch. 16. *In terms of policy and women's issues, President Obama's record has been mixed. In his first few days in office he reversed the ban on funding for international family planning programs imposed by his predecessor. He signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, named after a woman plaintiff in a discrimination suit against Goodyear Tire and Rubber. The act repealed some restrictions on filing an equal pay lawsuit. Later in 2009 Obama also created the White House Council on Women and Girls with the goal of raising the profile of gender issues among government agencies. Yet a key Obama campaign commitment-to national health care, which would have profound implications for women and their families-was hamstrung by political compromises required by congressional conservatives in both parties. **[[Ellen DuBois]] and Lynn Dumenil, ''Through Women's Eyes: An American History'' (2005) *It's not that Andrew Jackson had a "dark side," as his apologists rationalize and which all human beings have, but rather that Jackson was the Dark Knight in the formation of the United States as a colonialist, imperialist democracy, a dynamic formation that continues to constitute the core of US patriotism. The most revered presidents-Jefferson, Jackson, Lincoln, Wilson, both Roosevelts, Truman, Kennedy, Reagan, Clinton, Obama-have each advanced populist imperialism while gradually increasing inclusion of other groups beyond the core of descendants of old settlers into the ruling mythology. All the presidents after Jackson march in his footsteps. Consciously or not, they refer back to him on what is acceptable, how to reconcile democracy and genocide and characterize it as freedom for the people. **[[Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz]], ''An Indigenous Peoples' History of the United States'' (2014) ===E=== * See, I never thought it was a good idea for attorneys to be president, anyway. I think attorneys are so busy — you know they're always taught to argue everything, always weigh everything, weigh both sides. They are always devil's advocating this and bifurcating this and bifurcating that. You know all that stuff. But, I think it is maybe time — what do you think — for maybe a businessman. How about that? A stellar businessman. Quote, unquote, "a stellar businessman". And I think it's that time. And I think if you just step aside and Mr. Romney can kind of take over. You can maybe still use a plane. ** [[Clint Eastwood]], speech at Republican National Convention, {{#formatdate:2012-08-30}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-08-30 | title = Transcript of Clint Eastwood speech at RNC | periodical = {{w|Fox News}} | url = http://www.foxnews.com/politics/2012/08/30/transcript-clint-eastwood-speech-at-rnc/ }}, also viewable at {{citation | date = 2012-08-30 | author = gopconvention2012 | title = Clint Eastwood | periodical = YouTube | url = http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yoqKdWY692k }} * In stark contrast, President Obama has failed to advance policies that promote economic and job growth, focusing instead on increasing the size and scope of the federal government, which increases the debt, requires large tax increases, and burdens business with many new financial and health care regulations. The result is an anemic economic recovery and high unemployment. His future plans are to double down on the failed policies, which will only prolong slow growth and high unemployment. ** 400 {{w|Economists}}, quoted in {{citation | date = 2012-08-14 | url = http://www.nationalreview.com/corner/313915/economists-get-it-james-carter | title = The Economists Get It | author = James Carter | periodical = National Review }} * Obama has fired more cruise missiles than all other Peace Prize winners combined. ** Mark Edgington, [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2011/jun/30/yard-sign/yard-sign-claims-barack-obama-has-fired-more-cruis/ Yard sign on Wednesday, June 15th, 2011 in a yard on Route 12 near Keene, N.H.]. * But it's clear that Obama also is running for an equally important unelected office, in the province of the popular imagination — the "[[w:Magical negro|Magic Negro]]." **David Ehrenstein. [http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-ehrenstein19mar19,0,5335087.story?coll=la-opinion-rightrail "Obama the 'Magic Negro'" in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (19 March 2007)] * Barack Obama may have [[won]] in [[w:United States presidential election in North Carolina, 2008|2008 in North Carolina]] due to [[w:Electoral fraud|illegal voting]]. ** [[Boris Epshteyn]], on {{w|CNN}}’s ''{{w|The Lead with Jake Tapper}}''. [http://www.rawstory.com/2016/10/trump-advocate-stuns-jake-tapper-by-claiming-obama-won-north-carolina-in-2008-due-to-voter-fraud/] (18 October 2016) *President Obama has been an extraordinary advocate for Native Americans. **[[Louise Erdrich]] [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/01/books/review/louise-erdrich-by-the-book.html interview] (2016) === F === * Obama came to Britain, and I think behaved disgracefully, telling us we would be at the back of the queue...Treating us, America's strongest, oldest ally, in this extraordinary way. ** [[Nigel Farage]], on [http://insider.foxnews.com/2016/06/27/brexit-leader-putin-behaved-more-statesmanlike-manner-obama-did ''Fox News''] (27 June 2016) * There’s no better closer for the enthusiasm gap than people like President [[Obama]] and [[First Lady]] [[Jill Biden]].”  ** Democratic strategist '''Jesse Ferguson''' according to "[https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/576392-planned-obama-appearance-points-to-democratic-concerns-about-virginia Planned Obama appearance points to Democratic concerns about Virginia]" (October 12, 2021) * Welcome to Obama’s America: nearly half the population is not represented on a taxable return—almost exactly the same proportion that lives in a household where at least one member receives some type of government benefit. We are becoming the 50–50 nation—half of us paying the taxes, the other half receiving the benefits. The voters now face a stark choice. They can let Barack Obama’s rambling, solipsistic narrative continue until they find themselves living in some American version of Europe, with low growth, high unemployment, even higher debt—and real geopolitical decline. Or they can opt for real change: the kind of change that will end four years of economic underperformance, stop the terrifying accumulation of debt, and reestablish a secure fiscal foundation for American national security. ** [[w:Niall Ferguson|Niall Ferguson]] in [http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2012/08/19/niall-ferguson-on-why-barack-obama-needs-to-go.html "Niall Ferguson: Obama’s Gotta Go" in ''Newsweek'' (19 August 2012)] ===G=== * The black people’s struggle has vanquished racism. It was God who created colour. Today Obama, a son of Kenya, a son of Africa, has made it in the United States of America. **[[Muammar Gaddafi]], in closing remarks at the African Union summit (4 February 2009), as quoted in [http://www.rfi.fr/actuen/articles/110/article_2801.asp "Kadhafi closes AU summit, division over plans for 'United States of Africa'" by Zeenat Hansrod, ''RFI English'' (4 February 2009)] * On the ground of the fight against international terrorism, we'll see Obama being put to the test, because this is the real one. America is the reference democracy for those who want to affirm the value of freedom, put at risk by fundamentalism and Islamic terrorism. There are many doubts pending on Obama; with Obama at the White House, perhaps Al Qaeda is happier. *Original Italian: ''Sul piano della lotta al terrorismo internazionale, dovremo vedere Obama alla prova, perché questo è il vero banco di prova. L'America è la democrazia di riferimento per quanti vogliano affermare i valori della libertà, minacciati dal fondamentalismo, dal terrorismo islamico. Su Obama gravano molti interrogativi; con Obama alla Casa Bianca [[Al Qaeda]] forse è più contenta.'' ** [[w:Maurizio Gasparri|Maurizio Gasparri]], [http://video.corriere.it/?vxSiteId=404a0ad6-6216-4e10-abfe-f4f6959487fd&vxChannel=Dall%20Italia&vxClipId=2524_4a028eb4-ab27-11dd-8f4b-00144f02aabc&vxBitrate=300 commenting the victory of Obama (5 November 2008)] * You want to be a country that creates food stamps? In which case, frankly, Obama is an enormous success—the most successful food stamp president in American history. Or do you want to be a country that creates jobs? I would like to be the most successful paycheck president in American history. ** [[Newt Gingrich]], as quoted in [http://www.bet.com/news/politics/2011/05/16/newt-gingrich-calls-president-obama-a-food-stamps-president-.html Newt Gingrich Calls President Obama a “Food Stamps President” in ''Bet'' (16 May 2011)] * I think the problem Barack Obama would have is, first of all, he's never run a city, never run a state, never run a business. I don't think, at a time when America's at war, with the major problems that we face, we're going to want someone to get on-the-job experience as the chief executive, never having had that kind of experience. [...] He really doesn't have the experience either from the national security point of view or even from just the executive point of view. ** [[Rudy Giuliani]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/05/us/politics/05text-rdebate.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&ref=politics&pagewanted=22&adxnnlx=1199736286-DCcgFYD1WBdRL9mY/5FlBw&oref=slogin ''The New York Times'' (5 January 2008)] *Barack Obama, the first African-American president of the Harvard Law Review, was born in Kenya and raised in Indonesia and Hawaii **1991 by Miriam Goderich, literary agent promoting "Black and White", as quoted [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/born-kenya-obamas-literary-agent-misidentified-birthplace-1991/story?id=16372566 in 2012 by ABC news] ***Goderich subsequently retracted this in a 2012 interview with Yahoo News, saying "This was nothing more than a fact checking error by me--an agency assistant at the time" * In the weeks after the U.N. vote, Obama said privately and repeatedly, "Israel doesn’t know what its own best interests are." With each new settlement announcement, in Obama’s view, [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Netanyahu]] is moving his country down a path toward near-total isolation. <br> And if Israel, a small state in an inhospitable region, becomes more of a pariah — one that alienates even the affections of the U.S., its last steadfast friend — it won’t survive. Iran poses a short-term threat to Israel’s survival; Israel’s own behavior poses a long-term one. <br> The dysfunctional relationship between Netanyahu and Obama is poised to enter a new phase. Next week, Israeli voters will probably return Netanyahu to power, this time at the head of a coalition even more intractably right-wing than the one he currently leads. ** {{w|Jeffrey Goldberg}}, in [http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-01-14/what-obama-thinks-israelis-don-t-understand-.html "Obama: ‘Israel Doesn’t Know What Its Best Interests Are’" in ''Bloomberg View'' (14 January 2013)] * I don't know where his vendetta comes from but we're not going to let him make his bones by lambasting Las Vegas, that's why [the press] is here today . He didn't learn his lesson the first time, but when he hurt our economy by his ill conceived rhetoric, we didn't think it would happen again, but now that it has I want to assure you, when he comes I'll do everything I can to give him the boot back to Washington and to visit his failures back there. I gotta tell you this, everybody says I shouldn't say it, but I gotta tell you the way it is. This president is a real slow learner. ** {{w|Oscar Goodman}}, Mayor of [[Las Vegas]], in response to Obama's {{#formatdate:2010-02-03}} comment in Nashua, NH, "You don't blow a bunch of cash on Vegas when you're trying to save for college."[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_BFZ8qyUDo][http://www.ktnv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11922695] *America understands that there is one party in this country that is favor of health care reform and one party that is against it, and they know why. They understand that if Barack Obama were somehow able to cure hunger in the world the Republicans would blame him for overpopulation. They understand that if Barack Obama could somehow bring about world peace they would blame him for destroying the defense industry. In fact, they understand that if Barack Obama has a BLT sandwich tomorrow for lunch, they will try to ban bacon. But that's not what America wants, America wants solutions to its problems and that begins with health care, and that's what I'm speaking for tonight. **[[Alan Grayson]], [http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=Ery7RZ4tZ2Y regarding U.S. health care reform] (2009). ===H=== * Barack Obama loves to get attached from the Left on being too moderate on the War on Terrorism. And there have been other things, too, where he's tried to make signals to the middle, saying, “I'm a free trader,” and saying he might cut corporate taxes, saying he might delay some of those tax increases on the wealthy. All of that is aimed on telling swing voters: You cannot put Obama in a far left box or paint him as a rigid ideologue. That shows the difficulty John McCain is going to have making that argument that Steve Schmidt offered — making it stick. ** John Harwood of ''The New York Times'', on the McCain attempt to paint Obama as the most liberal member of the Senate; June 26, 2008; [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25411242/] * With health reform and the so-called “public option” reportedly on life support (although some activists strongly disagree with that prognosis), and the increasingly unpopular Afghanistan war on the verge of yet another escalation, many progressives and Democrats are frustrated, angry, or simply scratching their heads in disbelief. The Obama they thought they elected is not meeting their expectations. ** Don Hazen, [http://www.alternet.org/story/142402/progressives_to_gather_at_tides_momentum_conference_with_frustration_with_obama_on_their_minds/ Progressives to Gather at Tides Momentum Conference with Frustration with Obama on Their Minds (4 September 2009)] * The antiwar movement aspired to create a transgressive politics that challenged the institutions that generate war and imperialism. Yet, because it depended so heavily on the party in the street to mobilize support, it found itself caught up in the institutional, party-driven system that many activists saw as the cause of the problems that it mobilized to solve. In 2001, the antiwar movement began with an eye toward becoming an independent political force, yet it lived in the shadow of the Democratic Party. The Democrats and the antiwar movement struck a useful alliance from 2003 to 2006. The antiwar movement helped to demonstrate grassroots support for a key party issue and the party helped to provide activists, resources, and legitimacy for the movement. By early 2009, however, it was abundantly clear that Democrats were no longer interested in this alliance. Abandonment by the Democrats gave the movement the independence it desired, but also stripped it of its capacity for political influence. '''While Obama's election was heralded as a victory for the antiwar movement, Obama’s election, in fact, thwarted the ability of the movement to achieve critical mass'''. **[[w:Michael T. Heaney|Michael Heaney]] and [[w:Fabio Rojas|Fabio Rojas]], [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009"] (2011), by M.T. Heaney and F. Rojas, p. 60. * The irony is that Barack Obama would not even be president if it were not for the courage of persecuted dissidents such as [[Martin Luther King]] or [[Malcolm X]], spied upon by their own government. But Obama understands where power lies. It does not lie with the citizen. It lies with Wall Street and our corporate boardrooms, which have carried out a slow motion coup d’état. And a system of mass surveillance is designed to keep these elites in these boardrooms powerful and the rest of us powerless. ** [[Chris Hedges]], “[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TOlg_2qAbUA Our Only Hope Will Come Through Rebellion],” 29th March 2014, 21:20 *Surveying the fall in support for the governments of Barack Obama, New York City's progressive Mayor Bill de Blasio, and France's Socialist President François Hollande, a diagnosis of the current crisis begins to emerge. The political left can win elections but it's unable to govern. Once in office, the left stumbles from fiasco to fiasco. ObamaCare, enacted without a single vote from the opposition party, is an impossible labyrinth of endless complexity. **[[w:Daniel Henninger|Daniel Henninger]], as quoted in [http://friesian.com/rand.htm#modern "Why Can't the Left Govern?"] (27 March 2014), by D. Henninger, ''The Wall Street Journal'', p. A15. *It's easy to dispense with the first claim Obama made, that ''{{'}}this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries{{'}}''... Obama is wrong to say that ''{{'}}this type of mass violence does not happen in other advanced countries{{'}}''. Clearly '''it does happen elsewhere, and not in trivial numbers'''. Seven of the countries saw double-digit numbers of people killed in mass shootings during that period. **Keely Herring and Louis Jacobson, [http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/2015/jun/22/barack-obama/barack-obama-correct-mass-killings-dont-happen-oth/ "Is Barack Obama correct that mass killings don't happen in other countries?"] (22 June 2015), ''Politifact''. * I wanted to write a book that would persuade people NOT to vote for President Obama and I knew it had to be fact-based. I made a very long list of all the promises President Obama made, all of the PREDICTIONS he put forward, and all of the polemics he used. Each chapter of the 25 chapters begins with a quotation or series of quotations from President Obama not earlier than 2007. I'm not interested in what he did as a young man. I'm not interested in his biography. I'm interested in what he promised to do as a candidate or as a President - what he predicted would happen as a result of his actions or the language he used as a candidate or President. And, when I think you stack it up HE DID NOT DELIVER. In fact, he is a SERIAL FAILURE when it comes to delivering on his promises. Therefore, I don't believe he is OWED your vote or anyone's vote based upon what he said he would do and DID NOT DO - based on what he predicted would happen and did not happen - based upon what was, in fact, the most hyper partisan set of rhetorical devices that we have seen in the modern presidency. ** [[w:Hugh Hewitt|Hugh Hewitt]], as quoted in [http://mittromneycentral.com/2012/08/09/hugh-hewitt-obama-serial-failure-romney-extremely-well-qualified/ Hugh Hewitt – Obama: “Serial Failure”, Romney: “Extremely Well-Qualified”] * Maybe [Pres. Obama] would take [[ISIS]] seriously if he discovered they didn't recycle. ** [[Mike Huckabee]] — [http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2015/12/01/huckabee-america-needs-commander-in-chief-not-weather-obsessed-meteorologist.html Huckabee: "America needs a commander in chief, not a weather-obsessed meteorologist"], ''FoxNews.com'' (1 December 2015) * Unjustified war and unconstitutional abridgment of individual rights, versus ill-conceived tax and economic policies — this is the difference between venial and mortal sins. John McCain would continue the Bush administration's commitment to interventionism and constitutional over-reach. Obama promises a humbler engagement with our allies, while promising retaliation against any enemy who dares attack us. … Based on his embrace of centrist advisers and policies, it seems likely that Obama will turn out to be in the mold of John Kennedy, who was fond of noting that "a rising tide lifts all boats." … Even if my hopes on domestic policy are dashed and Obama reveals himself as an unreconstructed, dyed-in-the-wool, big government liberal, I'm still voting for him. ** Larry Hunter; Former Reagan policy advisor, as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25783198/ New York Daily News; (16 July 2008)] ===I=== * Indeed, Barack Obama has exceptional qualities and deserves kudos for his achievement. He is genteel, articulate, poised and charming. He is a Harvard-educated lawyer, yet he remains accessible to the common man. He has been married since 1992, has two lovely daughters and is by all accounts a devoted family man. He is a pious Christian and a member of the United Church of Christ. He has virtually sky-rocketed into the national spotlight-winning a landslide victory in his Senate race in 2004; he became the fifth African American Senator in U.S. history and the only current African American Senator. His fame has been enhanced by the publication of two-bestsellers, Dreams from My Father (1995) and The Audacity of Hope (2006). He now trails only behind Hillary in his bid to secure the nomination of his party. And he has done all of this even before he celebrates his forty-sixth birthday later this summer. **''[[w:Insight (magazine)|Insight]]'' magazine editorial: [http://archive.is/20130630204108/http://www.insightmag.com/Media/MediaManager/washwatch_4.htm "Washington Watch: Obama's fund-raising record reveals weakness of Hillary's campaign" (2 July 2007)] ===J=== * I think Barack knew that he had God-given talents that were extraordinary. He knows exactly how smart he is. [...] He knows how perceptive he is. He knows what a good reader of people he is. And he knows that he has the ability — the extraordinary, uncanny ability — to take a thousand different perspectives, digest them and make sense out of them, and I think that he has never really been challenged intellectually. [...] So, what I sensed in him was not just a restless spirit but somebody with such extraordinary talents that had to be really taxed in order for him to be happy. [...] He’s been bored to death his whole life. He’s just too talented to do what ordinary people do. He would never be satisfied with what ordinary people do. ** [[Valerie Jarrett]], in an interview with [[w:David Remnick|David Remnick]], published in "The Bridge: The Life and Rise of Barack Obama" (2010), p. 274. Quoted in ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'', November 5, 2010.[http://dyn.politico.com/printstory.cfm?uuid=19EA345F-ED22-2522-4B3A3477D2192616] * I don't know how you can take a vote out of context. It's a vote. **Late-term abortion survivor [[w:Gianna Jessen|Gianna Jessen]], responding to an Obama campaign ad saying his votes against the Born Alive Infant Act were presented out of context by the McCain campaign. ({{#formatdate:2008-09-22}})<small><sup>[http://www.cnsnews.com/public/content/article.aspx?RsrcID=36135]</sup></small> *Obama apparently lacks Hillary’s assurance. His lavish use of murderous drones reflects the military recognition of the limits of U.S. ground forces. He has been under constant pressure from [[Military-industrial complex|the War Party]]. Sometimes he has resisted their pressure, as in the case of chemical weapons in [[Syria]], after [[John Kerry|Kerry]] had replaced Clinton as Secretary of State. **[[W:Diana Johnstone|Diana Johnstone]] - quoted in [https://www.counterpunch.org/2016/03/10/hillary-clinton-the-queen-of-chaos-and-the-threat-of-world-war-iii/ Hillary Clinton: the Queen of Chaos and the Threat of World War III by Maidhc O' Cathail] (March 10, 2016) *Sure, we as a nation have always killed people. A lot of people. But no president has ever waged war by killing enemies one by one, targeting them individually for execution, wherever they are. The Obama administration has taken pains to tell us, over and over again, that they are careful, scrupulous of our laws, and determined to avoid the loss of collateral, innocent lives. They're careful because when it comes to waging war on individuals, the distinction between war and murder becomes a fine one. Especially when, on occasion, the individuals we target are Americans and when, in one instance, the collateral damage was an American boy. **Tom Junod, [https://archive.is/xd5Uw#selection-1989.0-1989.37 "The Lethal Presidency of Barack Obama"] (August 2012), ''Esquire''. === K === * You are among the two or three most talented people I have ever met in politics. ** {{w|Bob Kerrey}}, [http://www.politico.com/blogs/bensmith/1207/Kerrey_apologizes.html letter to Obama ({{#formatdate:2007-12-20}})] * We can't have the [[president of the United States]] acting like the [[drug]] dealer in chief, giving clean packs of money to a ... [[w:Iran and state-sponsored terrorism|state sponsor of terror]]. Those 500-euro notes will pop up across the [[Middle East]]. .... We're going to see problems in multiple (countries) because of that money given to them. ** [[Mark Kirk]], responding to reports that the [[w:Presidency of Barack Obama|Obama administration]] paid $400 million in cash of an agreed settlement to a 35-year case in international court to [[Iran]]. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/21/politics/mark-kirk-obama-drug-dealer-iran/] (August 21, 2016) * He reminds me of a chess grandmaster who has played his opening in six simultaneous games. But he hasn’t completed a single game and I’d like to see him finish one. ** [[Henry Kissinger]], November 2009. Quoted in ''The New York Times''.[http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/24/opinion/24iht-edcohen.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1259074848-mzi9hjHGk9jwSrEqC2zLJQ] *In the past, President Obama has recognized the principle on which climate debt rests. "Yes, the developed nations that caused much of the damage to our climate over the last century still have a responsibility to lead," he acknowledged in his September speech at the United Nations. "We have a responsibility to provide the financial and technical assistance needed to help these [developing] nations adapt to the impacts of climate change and pursue low-carbon development." Yet as Copenhagen draws near, the U.S. negotiating position appears to be to pretend that 200 years of over-emissions never happened. **[[Naomi Klein]] in ''The Global Warming Reader'' edited by [[Bill McKibben]] (2012) * [Obama] once got in trouble for making faces during Koran study classes in his elementary school, but a president is less likely to stereotype Muslims as fanatics — and more likely to be aware of their nationalism — if he once studied the Koran with them. ** [[Nicholas D. Kristof]], "[http://select.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/opinion/06kristof.html Obama: Man of the World]", ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times]]'', {{#formatdate:2007-03-06}} *The Obama years have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. Severely wanting. By the end of Obama's presidency, the U.S. standing in the world was weaker—clearly and appreciably weaker—than when he became president. The force of American power was diminished, and freedom was in retreat. By the end of Obama's presidency, was there a single part of the world where the United States was in a stronger position than when he took office? Was there an ally who was more confident or an adversary who was less so? By the end of Obama's presidency, were any important countries either friendlier or freer than they had been when he took over? The answer to all these questions: no. **[[Bill Kristol]], [http://www.weeklystandard.com/obamas-legacy/article/2007731 "Obama's Legacy"] (21 April 2017), ''The Weekly Standard'' ===L=== *As the son of the Muslim father, Senator Obama was born a Muslim under Muslim law as it is universally understood. It makes no difference that, as Senator Obama has written, his father said he renounced his religion. Likewise, under Muslim law based on the Koran his mother’s Christian background is irrelevant. **Edward N. Luttwak, [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/12/opinion/12luttwak.html?_r=0 "President Apostate?"] (12 May 2008), ''The New York Times'', New York. ===M=== *[[Barack Obama|Obama]]... failed to stand up to the pressure from the intelligence agencies, and he used the draconian 1917 Espionage Act and other laws against whistleblowers and journalists. In fact, Obama was responsible for more prosecutions and action against journalists and whistleblowers than all the other presidents in the U.S. combined. **[[Ewen MacAskill]] in [https://www.democracynow.org/2021/10/25/belmarsh_tribunal Free Julian Assange: Snowden, Varoufakis, Corbyn & Tariq Ali Speak Out Ahead of Extradition Hearing, ''Democracy Now!'',] October 25, 2021 * But there are some moments I don't think you can ever predict, the kind where you can't really believe it's happening the whole time it's happening. That would definitely be the way to describe the one-in-a-lifetime opportunity I had on Sunday, March 31, 2013. It was the annual Easter Egg roll at the White House, and I had been invited to perform. I wasn't sure if we'd get to meet the First Family, and I figured even if we didn't, it would still be a day I'd remember forever. And then we were actually asked to go back and meet them. Just imagine how many people want to hang with the president of the United States of America. The line was moving so slowly that it was looking like I wasn't going to get to meet the president after all because I needed to go get ready to perform. I was pretty disappointed. And then I was brought to the front of the line so I could run off afterward and sing for everyone. I could hardly believe it. I got a picture with the president, his family, and my mom. He and his entire family were all so nice. ** [[Austin Mahone]], ''Just How It Happened'' (2014), p. 127-128 * If you want to ignite race riots, a sure-fire way to do it is to stir up black hatred and suspicion of cops, which will in turn make cops warier of blacks and more trigger-happy, and so on, until an explosion occurs. So thanks, President Obama. You have set back American race relations by 50 years. ** [[w:Myron Magnet|Myron Magnet]], [http://www.city-journal.org/html/americas-worst-president-14640.html "America's Worst President?"], ''[[w:City Journal (New York City)|City Journal]]'' (10 July 2016)<!--, quoted in [http://www.wsj.com/articles/obama-and-race-relations-1468259312 ''The Wall Street Journal''], [http://www.slate.com/articles/news_and_politics/politics/2016/07/racism_discontent_is_rising_but_that_s_not_obama_s_fault.html ''Slate''] and [http://thehill.com/homenews/administration/287316-obamas-toughest-challenge-healing-racial-divide ''The Hill'']-->. * Senator Obama made time to go to the gym but canceled a visit with wounded troops. It seems the Pentagon wouldn't allow him to bring cameras. ** McCain campaign ad (July 2008).{{fix cite}} *Even though we would have preferred to win, all of us in the room understood that the country would be in the hands of an honorable man. **Cindy McCain, ''Stronger'' * [Obama was] really everything the American public would expect from their national leadership. The President was at all times presidential. I would contend he was the smartest guy in the room. He had leadership skills we'd expect from a guy who had 35 years in the military. ** [[w:William H. McRaven|William H. McRaven]], commander of [[w:U.S. Special Operations Command|U.S. Special Operations Command]], describing Obama's work in the May 2 2011 [[w:Osama bin Laden|Osama bin Laden]] operation. Quoted in ''Time'' magazine, December 26, 2011. ''The Admiral'' by Barton Gellman [http://www.time.com/time/specials/packages/article/0,28804,2101745_2102133_2102330-4,00.html] * I am very proud as an American to have a black president. I was born and raised in America. I am a part of a minority. To see a minority representative being the president of the United States of America is extremely inspiring. It's just miraculous. **[[w:Hyung Jin Moon|Hyung Jin Moon]], as quoted in [http://www.monitor.co.ug/artman/publish/asia/Unification_Church_pres_sees_smaller_mass_weddings_77510.shtml "Unification Church pres sees smaller mass weddings" in ''The Daily Monitor'' (30 December 2008)] *he's so brilliant **[[James Meredith]], [https://www.jacksonfreepress.com/news/2008/sep/24/a-soldiers-story-the-jfp-interview-with-james/ Interview] with Jackson Free Press (2008) * [Obama is] rare kind of attuned being who has the ability to lead us not merely to new foreign policies or health care plans or whatnot, but who can actually help usher in a new way of being on the planet, of relating and connecting and engaging with this bizarre earthly experiment. These kinds of people actually help us evolve. They are philosophers and peacemakers of a very high order, and they speak not just to reason or emotion, but to the soul. ** [[w:Mark Morford|Mark Morford]], ''[[w:San Francisco Chronicle|San Francisco Chronicle]]'', June 6, 2008.[http://articles.sfgate.com/2008-06-06/entertainment/17120245_1_obama-s-presence-new-age-black-president/2] *President Obama, himself a one-time advocate of single payer coverage, buckled to the insurance companies and its lobbyists and minions in Congress and agreed to health care legislation (the Affordable Care Act) that would continue to treat healing the sick as a profit center instead of a basic human right. **[[Bill Moyers]] & [[Michael Winship]], [https://www.commondreams.org/views/2016/01/16/tell-truth-about-bernies-health-care-stand Tell the Truth about Bernie’s Health Care Stand, ''Common Dreams''], (16 January 2016) ===N=== * There's only one thing different about Barack Obama when it comes to being a Democratic presidential candidate. He's half African-American. ** [[Ralph Nader]], Colorado's Rocky Mountain News, June 26, 2008 [http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/07/09/jesse.jackson.comment/] * Only very rarely has a person to the same extent as Obama captured the world's attention and given its people hope for a better future. His diplomacy is founded in the concept that those who are to lead the world must do so on the basis of values and attitudes that are shared by the majority of the world's population. <br> For 108 years, the Norwegian Nobel Committee has sought to stimulate precisely that international policy and those attitudes for which Obama is now the world's leading spokesman. The Committee endorses Obama's appeal that "Now is the time for all of us to take our share of responsibility for a global response to global challenges." ** The [[w:Norwegian Nobel Committee|Norwegian Nobel Committee]], in a [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/2009/press.html press release] on awarding Obama the [[w:Nobel Peace Prize|Nobel Peace Prize]] (9 October 2009) * [[John Kerry]] with a tan. ** Conservative activist [[w:Grover Norquist|Grover Norquist]], as quoted in [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25456931/ ''Countdown with Keith Olbermann'' (MSNBC, 26 June 2008)]; [http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/washington/2008/06/barack-obama-jo.html] ===O=== * Barack is one of the smartest people you will ever encounter who will deign to enter this messy thing called politics. ** [[Michelle Obama]], as quoted in [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/articles/2010/09/30/democrats_cling_to_arrogance.html "Clinging to Arrogance" by Victor Davis Hanson at ''Real Clear Politics'' (30 September 2010)] * Mr. Obama is proving the truism that the executive branch will use any power it is given and very likely abuse it. ** ''The New York Times'' editorial [http://www.nytimes.com/2013/06/07/opinion/president-obamas-dragnet.html?pagewanted=all President Obama’s Dragnet], June 6, 2013 regarding the electronic surveillance program [[w:PRISM (surveillance program)|PRISM]] run by the US National Security Agency. * That is why when I heard Obama’s two speeches I was struck by how much he spoke in accord with the spirit of Vatican II. In those two addresses, as well as in his other speeches, he called for civility, for the end of name-calling, and for a willingness to work together to deal with our common problems, including abortion, rather than a stand-off determination to impose one’s principles without reckoning what the cost to the common good might be. ** John W. O'Malley, ''America: the national Catholic weekly'', May 25, 2009 [http://www.americamagazine.org/content/article.cfm?article_id=11688] *Days after jihadi gunmen slaughtered 11 staffers of the Charlie Hebdo magazine and a policeman on January 7, hundreds of thousands of French people marched in solidarity against Islamic radicalism. Forty-four world leaders joined them, but not President Barack Obama. Neither did his attorney general at the time, Eric Holder, or Homeland Security Deputy Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas, both of whom were in Paris that day. **Michael Oren, [http://foreignpolicy.com/2015/06/19/barack-obama-muslim-world-outreach-consequences-israel-ambassador-michael-oren/?wp_login_redirect=0 "How Obama Opened His Heart to the 'Muslim World': And got it stomped on. Israel's former ambassador to the United States on the president's naiveté as peacemaker, blinders to terrorism, and alienation of allies."] (19 June 2015), by M. Oren, ''Foreign Policy''. *Back in 2007, President Bush succeeded in convening Israeli and Arab leaders, together with the representatives of some 40 states, at the Annapolis peace conference. In May 2015, Obama had difficulty convincing several Arab leaders to attend a Camp David summit on the Iranian issue. The president who pledged to bring Arabs and Israelis together ultimately did so not through peace, but out of their common anxiety over his support for the Muslim Brotherhood in Egypt and his determination to reach a nuclear accord with [[Iran]]. Only Iran, in fact, still holds out the promise of sustaining Obama's initial hopes for a fresh start with Muslims. **Michael Oren, [http://foreignpolicy.com/2015/06/19/barack-obama-muslim-world-outreach-consequences-israel-ambassador-michael-oren/?wp_login_redirect=0 "How Obama Opened His Heart to the 'Muslim World': And got it stomped on. Israel's former ambassador to the United States on the president's naiveté as peacemaker, blinders to terrorism, and alienation of allies."] (19 June 2015), by M. Oren, ''Foreign Policy''. *Now we are doing imperialism with a black face. **[[w:Chioma Oruh|Chioma Oruh]], interview (12 December 2009), as quoted in [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009"] (2011), by Michael T. Heaney and Fabio Rojas, pp. 59-60. * Barack Obama has silenced the antiwar movement almost single-handedly by his actions, on the one hand, saying that he opposed war and promoting to pull all troops from Iraq and, on the other hand, throwing the antiwar movement under the bus by sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Keep in mind that the war budget is larger under Obama than it was under Bush. Obama has the same Defense Department Secretary as under Bush. Where is the change? **[[w:Chioma Oruh|Chioma Oruh]], interview (12 December 2009), as quoted in [http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mheaney/Partisan_Dynamics_of_Contention.pdf The Partisan Dynamics of Contention: Demobilization of the Anti-War Movement in the United States: 2007-2009"] (2011), by Michael T. Heaney and Fabio Rojas, pp. 59-60. === P === *Barack Obama is hell-bent on engaging the Iranian regime just to prove that he’s not [[George W. Bush|George Bush]]. That doesn’t help the problem. That’s not what people expected in Iran... The people of Iran are asking for help, and Obama cares about showing Khamenei that he can reason with him. That was [[Jimmy Carter]]’s mentality in 1979 and that’s still the mentality in 2012. ** [[Reza Pahlavi]], as quoted in [http://www.jpost.com/LandedPages/PrintArticle.aspx?id=272989 "Obama ‘chickened out’ of confronting mullahs" by Cnaan Liphshiz, in ''The Jerusalem Post'' (6 July 2012)] * This is a man who can give an entire speech about the wars America is fighting and never use the word "victory" except when he's talking about his own campaign. But when the cloud of rhetoric has passed, when the roar of the crowd fades away, when the stadium lights go out and those Styrofoam Greek columns are hauled back to some studio lot — what exactly is our opponent's plan? What does he actually seek to accomplish, after he's done turning back the waters and healing the planet? The answer is to make government bigger. ** [[w:Sarah Palin|Sarah Palin]], in her [http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=94258995 acceptance speech for the Vice Presidential nomination at the Republican National Convention, (3 September 2008)] * By contrast, Obama’s appeal for a new paradigm that relies on the enthusiasm of young voters and the patriotism of rank-and-file Americans to leap past the stale politics of the Clinton and Bush years makes some sense. Given Obama’s relatively thin résumé, his candidacy may require a leap of faith. But it is at least a leap toward something new and untested, rather than something old and failed. **[[w:Robert Parry|Robert Parry]], in [http://www.consortiumnews.com/2008/010808.html ''Consortium News'' (7 January 2008)] * Barack spoke out against the war [in Iraq] before it started, and he respects civil liberties, and I respect him for that. [...] But Barack Obama is not going to talk about the goal of getting rid of the income tax and dealing with monetary policy. I mean, he's too much into the welfare state issue, not quite understanding how free market economics is the truly compassionate system. If we care about the poor and want to help the poor, you have to have free markets. You can't have a welfare state in order to try to take care of people. **[[Ron Paul]], as quoted in [http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/05/us/politics/05text-rdebate.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&ref=politics&pagewanted=23&adxnnlx=1199682199-v6N5pykr4Xzhe5xRHuoFMQ&oref=slogin ''The New York Times'' (5 January 2008)] * He has been … open, practically apolitical, certainly nonpartisan, in terms of welcoming every idea and solution. I think that’s one of the reasons the Republicans want to take him down politically, because they know he is a nonpartisan president, and that’s something very hard for them to cope with. ** [[Nancy Pelosi]], interview to ''[[w:Politico|Politico]]'' (20 September 2013) · [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2013/09/20/nancy_pelosi_obama_practically_apolitical_certainly_nonpartisan.html · video] * Does the president not understand the way this game works?. He wants to get it done and be beloved, and you can’t have both—which does he want? ** [[Pelosi]] [https://time.com/5832330/nancy-pelosi-obamacare/ How Nancy Pelosi Saved the Affordable Care Act] (MAY 6, 2020 10:51 AM EDT) * '''Despite what Obama says, racism is not passed along in DNA through the generations. If that were the case, America wouldn't be the tolerant, multi-racial country it is today.''' Yes, America, like the vast majority of the rest of the world, at one time participated in slavery. While the sin of slavery is not justified, it is important to acknowledge that the sin of slavery isn't a uniquely American sin, but rather one of mankind throughout the course of history. Further, owning slaves is not a sin unique to white people; in fact, black Africans sold other blacks into slavery, and still do today. Slavery is uniquely human, but societies and countries that respect human dignity, like America, have stopped the horrifying practice. America had the dignity to end slavery through a civil war and has since moved forward to correct wrongs with the civil rights movement, affirmative action, legislation, popular culture and much more. Institutional racism is no longer prevalent in the ways the left claims. Obama, elected twice by American voters, is black, as is former Attorney General Eric Holder and current Attorney General Loretta Lynch. There are a number of blacks serving in the U.S. Congress, including Republican Senator Tim Scott and Congresswoman Mia Love, Utah. The likes of Oprah Winfrey and Beyoncé are business and pop culture icons. Look around the world and you'll find that America is the most tolerant and open society on earth. **[[w:Katie Pavlich|Catherine M. Pavlich]], as quoted in [http://thehill.com/opinion/katie-pavlich/246440-katie-pavlich-america-is-not-racist "Katie Pavlich: America Is Not Racist"] (29 June 2015), by C.M. Pavlich, ''The Hill'', News Communications, Inc. *Obama merely perpetuated the myth and lie that our nation endorsed or approved of slavery and Jim Crow. He should have made clear that it wasn't. It was primarily the white supporters of the Democratic Party. The party that became known as the 'Party of White Supremacy'. **[[w:Wayne Perryman|Wayne Perryman]], as quoted in [http://www.amazon.com/Whites-Blacks-Racist-Democrats-Democratic-ebook/dp/B00AZNOJ5Y/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1438984361&sr=8-1&keywords=wayne+perryman+democrats ''Whites, Blacks, and Racist Democrats''] (2009), by W. Perryman. * I am strongly encouraged by Senator Obama's speech [http://www.pbs.org/newshour/bb/politics/july-dec08/obamaenergy_08-04.html] on America's energy future. Foreign oil is killing our economy and putting our nation at risk. … This issue is clearly moving up in the priority of political debate; Senator Obama's statement is an indication... ** [[w:T. Boone Pickens|T. Boone Pickens]], [http://media.pickensplan.com/presskit/080408_obama_response.pdf on Obama's energy policy (4 August 2008)] *I wasn’t “harsh” towards Obama. It was Obama who was harsh towards much of humanity, contrary to his often absurd media image. Obama was one of the most violent U.S. Presidents. He launched or sustained seven wars and left office with none resolved: a record. In his last year as President, 2016, according to the Council on Foreign Relations, he dropped 26,171 bombs. It’s an interesting statistic; it’s three bombs every hour, 24 hours a day, on mostly civilians. The bombing technique Obama made his own was assassination by drone. Every Tuesday, reported The New York Times, he selected the names of those who would die in a “programme” of extrajudicial murder. All males of military age in Yemen and the frontiers of Pakistan were considered fair game. He increased America’s special forces operations around the world, notably in Africa. Along with France and Britain, he and his Secretary of State Hillary Clinton destroyed Libya as a modern state on the false and familiar pretext that its leader was about to conduct a massacre of “innocents”. This led directly to the growth of the medievalists of ISIS [or Islamic State] and a stampede of immigration from Africa to Europe. He overthrew the democratically elected President of Ukraine and installed an openly fascist-backed regime—as a deliberate provocation to Russia. **[[John Pilger]] in [https://frontline.thehindu.com/cover-story/article25661115.ece ''New Cold War & looming threats, Frontline, India''] (21 December 2018) *So accomplished was the advertising (a record $75m was spent on television commercials alone) that many Americans actually believed Obama shared their opposition to Bush’s wars. In fact, he had repeatedly backed Bush’s warmongering and its congressional funding. Many Americans also believed he was the heir to Martin Luther King’s legacy of anti-colonialism. Yet if Obama had a theme at all, apart from the vacuous 'Change you can believe in,' it was the renewal of America as a dominant, avaricious bully. 'We will be the most powerful,' he often declared. **[[John Pilger]] [http://www.newstatesman.com/north-america/2009/05/barack-obama-pilger-bush "The Madmen Did Well"], ''New Statesman'', (30 April 2009) ===R=== * People don't come to Obama for what he's done in the Senate. They come because of what they hope he could be. **[[w:Bruce Reed|Bruce Reed]]; President, Democratic Leadership Council as quoted in [http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/13390609/campaign_08_the_radical_roots_of_barack_obama/2 "Destiny's Child" by Ben Wallace-Wells in ''Rolling Stone'' (22 February 2007)] * What's frustrating to me sometimes about Obama is that the world seems to disappoint him. [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] disappoint him, [[Bashar al-Assad]] disappoints him, [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] as well. ** David Remnick, on [http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2014/05/06/obama_biographer_david_remnick_the_world_seems_to_disappoint_him.html ''MSNBC'' (6 May 2014)] * Barack Obama has failed America. When he took office, the economy was in recession. He made it worse. And he made it last longer. Three years later, over 16 million Americans are out of work or have just quit looking. Millions more are underemployed. Three years later, unemployment is still above 8%, a figure he said his stimulus would keep from happening. Three years later, foreclosures are still at record levels. Three years later the prices of homes continue to fall. Three years later, our national debt has grown nearly as large as our entire economy. Families are buried under higher prices for food and higher prices for gasoline. It breaks my heart to see what's happening in this country. These failing hopes make up President Obama's own misery index. It's never been higher. **[[Mitt Romney]]-[http://blog.4president.org/2012/2011/06/mitt-romney-2012-presidential-campaign-announcement-speech-june-2-2011-stratham-new-hampshire-remark.html Mitt Romney 2012 Presidential Campaign Announcement Speech] === S === *Today, I think Barack Obama is little different to George Bush. I've read all of his books. He is a brilliant writer and a brilliant speaker, but he is still dominated by the military system, still dominated by multinationals. He is a capitalist. **[[Nawal El Saadawi]] [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2009/mar/06/egypt-gender Interview] in ''The Guardian'' (2009) *President Obama is a friend of mine. I have worked with him on many issues. But on the issue of trade he has been dead wrong…In 2010, President Obama signed a law making it easier for borrowers to repay their student loans and avoid default through income-based repayment. It also included some limited loan forgiveness for public servants and long-term debtors. These were important steps, but they do not go nearly far enough in addressing the oppressive burden of crushing student loan debt…Under President Obama there is no question that we have made some progress in moving forward in transforming our energy system…I applaud President Obama for his unwavering leadership in Paris, and for standing up to the powerful interests in this country who opposed his efforts. However, while the agreement sets out a global action plan to limit global warming, many climate scientists believe the accord goes nowhere near far enough in terms of reducing global carbon emissions. The good news is there is a framework in place. Our goal now must be to strengthen the accord by setting more aggressive carbon reduction goals. **[[Bernie Sanders]] ''Our Revolution'' (2016) * He is a community organizer like [[Jesus]] was …And now, we’re a community and he can organize us. ** [[Susan Sarandon]], as quoted in [http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2169921/posts "Celebs compare Obama to Jesus, Gandhi By Betsy Rothstein" in ''The Hill'' (22 January 2009)] * Now we have an unknown stealth candidate who went to a madrassas in Indonesia and, in fact, was a Muslim. ** [[Michael Savage]], radio show ''The Savage Nation'' (3 April 2008) [http://mediamatters.org/research/2008/04/07/savage-on-obama-now-we-have-an-unknown-stealth/143128] * [Obama is] a Marxist in his heart. He's an Afro-Leninist, and I know he's dangerous. ** [[Michael Savage]], radio show ''The Savage Nation'' (14 April 2008) [http://mediamatters.org/research/2008/04/15/savage-on-obama-hes-an-afro-leninist-and-i-know/143219] * Obama is not insane. He's stoned. He's stoned on the orthodoxy of the progressive left. Obama and his supporters are drunk on their ideology. They think they're going to create a progressive utopia by continuing their attack on all Western values. This is precisely how great civilizations of the past declined and eventually fell. They rejected the values that made them great and degenerated into narcissism and selfishness. They kept on partying until they were too weak to defend themselves. Then, the unthinkable happened. They fell. ** [[Michael Savage]], ''Government Zero: No Borders, No Language, No Culture'' (2015), [http://www.wnd.com/2015/11/a-dance-of-death-in-the-west/ "A dance of death in the West"] * I was most forcefully struck by this sentence: “As president, I refuse to set goals that go beyond our responsibility, our means, or our interests.” <br> That is perhaps the most starkly expressed realist sentiment that I can remember hearing from a president since … well, I’m honestly not sure when. And Obama then followed it up by citing Eisenhower, who was really the last president to worry publicly about the balance between our commitments abroad and our ability to pay for them. ** Peter Scoblic, in [http://www.tnr.com/blog/the-plank/obama-channels-eisenhower "Obama Channels Eisenhower" in ''The New Republic'' (2 December 2009)] * In Cairo, Obama said his job as president of the United States is to "fight against negative stereotypes of Islam wherever they appear." That's certainly not the job of the president of the United States. It is not even the job of the most ardently tolerant Christian. Is it any wonder that so many people believe Obama to be an emissary of Islam? ** [[w:Ben Shapiro|Ben Shapiro]], [http://townhall.com/columnists/benshapiro/2010/08/25/is_barack_obama_a_muslim/page/full "Is Barack Obama a Muslim?", ''Townhall'' (25 August 2010)] * President Obama is highly concerned with education. He’s a champion on early-childhood development strategies. So I like the work he’s doing, and I support it, and I realise that he’s one of very few political leaders around the world that actually has early-childhood development strategies at the top of his agenda. ** [[Shakira]], [http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/features/shakira-interview-feeling-sexy-is-empowering-9189505.html The Independent article "Shakira interview: 'Feeling sexy is empowering'" by Craig McLean] (15 March 2014) * If Barack Obama was a state he'd be California. I mean, think about it: diverse, open, smart, independent, oppose tradition, innovative, inspiring, dreamer, leader. ** [[w:Maria Shriver|Maria Shriver]] at [http://www.latimes.com/news/politics/la-na-trail4feb04,1,2243263.story?ctrack=4&cset=true Obama 2008 rally at UCLA (2 February 2008)] * He single-handedly protected more natural habitat than any US president in history, using the Antiquities Act 34 times to conserve more than 550 million acres of lands and waters as national monuments ** [[Sierra Club]] [https://www.sierraclub.org/sierra/step-aside-david-attenborough-obama-s-bringing-soothing-zoological-success-stories-now Step Aside, David Attenborough—Obama’s Bringing the Soothing Zoological Success Stories Now] (Apr 16 2022) * This isn't just some phenomenon of the Internet — to liken Barack Obama to the flash-in-the-pan [[Howard Dean|Dean]] campaign does him a disservice. There is something happening with this guy, and I don't think he should be given short shrift. ** Gary South, Democratic Party strategist [http://www.insightmag.com/ME2/dirmod.asp?sid=5D3B38F8A2584DB5A77BA05660C6045C&nm=Free+Access&type=news&mod=News&mid=9A02E3B96F2A415ABC72CB5F516B4C10&tier=3&nid=4EFB07F80FCB4B919158A26137E6A453 (9 February 2008)] * It is February 27, 2013. Barack Obama, having been safely reelected, awakens one morning to news that Muslims in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Indonesia, Egypt, and elsewhere are rioting and storming U.S. embassies, tearing down the American flag and raising the black flag of jihad. They're in a rage over a book that depicts Muhammad as waging war against his enemies, consummating a marriage with a nine-year-old girl when in his fifties, and raining down curses upon Jews, Christians, and others. A grim-faced Obama immediately takes to the airwaves. [...] On the grounds that they're promoting "Islamophobia," feminists who speak out against the forced head coverings and brutalization are swiftly arrested and prosecuted. Other Sharia demands follow. Pork and alcohol products disappear from grocery shelves. New laws are enacted that restrict the movements, educational opportunities, and employment opportunities of women. All the new laws are sold as preventing hatred against Muslims. No one dares speak out. **[[w:Robert Spencer (author)|Robert Spencer]], in [http://pjmedia.com/blog/2013-the-death-of-free-speech/?singlepage=true 2013: "The Death of Free Speech" at PJMedia.com] * Now we've got money, Obama money<br>Yeah, we're printin' it in the basement just as fast as we can<br>We've got money, Obama money<br>We're livin' the Obama budget plan! ** Ray Stevens, in his song "Obama Budget Plan" (2011) * Obama's legislative record, speeches, and the way he has run his campaign reveal, I think, a very even temperament, a very sound judgment, and an intelligent pragmatism. Prudence is a word that is not inappropriate to him. **[[w:Andrew Sullivan|Andrew Sullivan]], in [http://andrewsullivan.theatlantic.com/the_daily_dish/2008/01/bainbridge-asks.html ''The Atlantic'' (4 January 2008)] ===T=== * Does this look like a behavior of an innocent person? An innocent person would have come to court and showed all the valid documents with the embossed seals, which are verifiable. Instead he is acting like a 5-year-old brat, saying "I am afraid of Orly", "I want the secretary of state of GA to act like my mommy and protect me from Orly." Some leader of a free world... ** [[w:Orly Taitz|Orly Taitz]], [http://www.orlytaitzesq.com/?p=30746 Obama And His Attorney Are Acting like Frightened 5 Year Olds. In His Letter He Ignores The Other 2 Attorneys, But Is Pretty Much Saying 'I Am Afraid Of Orly" (12 January 2012)] * Senator Obama has adopted the position of every liberal interest group in this country. ** [[Fred Thompson]], as quoted in [http://www.reuters.com/article/politicsNews/idUSN0535112920080106 "Republican candidates turn sights on Obama" in ''Reuters'' (5 January 2008)] *Obama, too, needs to step up his efforts; it's not just Congress and the voters who have been misguided. Those close to the president say he understands the seriousness of global warming. But despite the issue's moral gravity, he's been paralyzed by political caution. He leads from the rear on climate change, not from the front. **[[Mike Tidwell]] in ''The Global Warming Reader'' edited by [[Bill McKibben]] (2012) *'''Donald Trump''': Meredith, he spent two million dollars in legal fees trying to get away from this issue. And if he weren't lying, why wouldn't he just solve it? And I wish he would, because if he doesn't, it's one of the greatest scams in the history of politics, and in the history period. You are not allowed to be a president if you're not born in this country. He may not be born in this country. And I'll tell you what, three weeks ago I thought he was born in this country. Right now, I have some real doubts. I have people that actually have been studying it and they cannot believe what they're finding.<br />'''Meredith Vieira''': You have people now, down there searching—<br />'''Trump''': Absolutely.<br />'''Vieira''': I mean, in Hawaii?<br />'''Trump''': Absolutely. And they cannot believe what they're finding. I would like to have him show his birth certificate, and can I be honest with you, I hope he can. Because if he can't, if he can't, if he wasn't born in this country, which is a ''real'' possibility, I'm not saying it hap— I'm saying it's a ''real'' possibility, much greater than I thought two or three weeks ago, then he has pulled one of the great cons in the history of politics. And beyond politics. ** [[Donald Trump]], {{citation |title=Today |date=2011-04-07 |publisher=NBC |medium=Television}} * Obama gave a good speech but not nearly as good as the press would have you believe. Whether it’s good or bad, the press will say it’s fantastic. In many ways, I like Obama. It’s hard to define. There’s something about him I do like. I’m embarrassed to admit it. I give him a lot of credit. It’s very unique and very hard to do and I give him tremendous credit. He became a two-term president of the United States. He’s got some quality going. ** [[Donald Trump]], on Obama's speech at the {{w|2016 Democratic National Convention}}, interview with ''[[w:The New York Times|The New York Times']]'' [[Maureen Dowd]]. [http://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/30/opinion/trumps-thunderbolts.html] (July 29, 2016) * He's a terrible president, he'll probably go down as the worst president in the history of our country, he's been a total disaster. ** [[Donald Trump]], during an interview with [[w:WJLA-TV|WJLA]]. [http://edition.cnn.com/2016/08/02/politics/donald-trump-obama-election-2016/] (August 2, 2016) * [[ISIS]] is honoring President Obama. He is the founder of ISIS. He founded ISIS. And I would say the co-founder would be crooked [[Hillary Clinton]]. ** [[Donald Trump]], during a Florida rally at the BB&T Center in Sunrise, as quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/donald-trump-president-barack-obama-founder-isis/story?id=41286869 "Donald Trump: President Barack Obama 'Is the Founder of ISIS'"] by David Caplan, ''ABC News'' (10 August 2016) * '''Q''': (Inaudible) if 160,000 people had died on President Obama's watch, do you think you would have called for his resignation? : '''[[Donald Trump]]''': No, I wouldn’t have done that. :* ''[https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefings-statements/remarks-president-trump-press-briefing-august-10-2020/ Remarks by President Trump in Press Briefing | August 10, 2020]'', issued on: August 11, 2020, ''{{w|whitehouse.gov}}'' :* Note: In October 2014, Donald Trump [https://twitter.com/realDonaldTrump/status/525431218910027776 tweeted] that U.S. President Barack Obama should resign because a doctor who had treated [[Ebola]] patients in Guinea returned to the U.S, reported in ''[https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-obama-ebola-tweet/ Did Trump Call for Obama to Resign After Ebola Doctor Returned to U.S.?]'' by David Mikkelson, 15 May 2020, ''{{w|Snopes}}''. ===W=== * As [[Jews]], we really care about what's in your [[wikt:kishke#English|kishkas]]. We want to look into someone's heart and know where they stand and that they stand with us. And I've looked into Barack Obama's heart and his kishkas. I know that he feels the issues that are important to us. I've seen what's in his kishkas, and I know that this is a mensch that we have in the White House. ** [[w:Debbie Wasserman Schultz|Debbie Wasserman Schultz]], as quoted in [http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/elections/fl-jewish-vote-obama-20111105,0,6311080.story "Democrats hope to avoid losing Jewish voters in South Florida" by Anthony Man, in ''Sun Sentinel'' (6 November 2011)] * If the boot is on our neck, does it make any difference what color the foot is in the boot? ** [[Cornel West]], ''Black Prophetic Fire'' (2014), p. 164 * I think my dear brother Barack Obama has a certain fear of free black men. It’s understandable. As a young brother who grows up in a white context, brilliant African father, he’s always had to fear being a white man with black skin. All he has known culturally is white. He is just as human as I am, but that is his cultural formation. When he meets an independent black brother, it is frightening. [..] He feels most comfortable with upper middle-class white and [[Jews|Jewish men]] who consider themselves very smart, very savvy and very effective in getting what they want. He’s got two homes. He has got his family and whatever challenges go on there, and this other home. [[w:Larry Summers|Larry Summers]] blows his mind because he’s so smart. He’s got Establishment connections. He’s embracing me. It is this smartness, this truncated brilliance, that titillates and stimulates brother Barack and makes him feel at home. ** [[Cornel West]], as quoted in [http://www.truthdig.com/report/page2/the_obama_deception_why_cornel_west_went_ballistic_20110516/ "The Obama Deception: Why Cornel West Went Ballistic"] by [[w:Chris Hedges|Chris Hedges]] in ''Truthdig'' (16 May 2011) * My party, unfortunately, is the bastion of those people, not all of them, but most of them, who are still basing their decision on race. Let me just be candid: My party is full of [[Racism|racists]]. And the real reason a considerable portion of my party wants President Obama out of the White House has nothing to do with the content of his character, nothing to do with his competence as commander-in-chief and president, and everything to do with the color of his skin. And that's despicable. **[[Lawrence Wilkerson]] in [http://www.msnbc.com/the-ed-show/colin-powells-former-chief-staff-my-par "Colin Powell’s former chief of staff: 'My party is full of racists'"],''MSNBC'' (26 October 2012) * It would be like [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] playing golf with [[Benjamin Netanyahu]]. ** [[w:Hank Williams, Jr.|Hank Williams, Jr.]], on Barack Obama and [[John Boehner]] playing golf, on ''Fox & Friends'', as quoted in [http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/tv-column/post/espn-drops-hank-williams-jr-from-mondays-football-opening-after-singer-compares-obama-to-hitler/2011/10/03/gIQApPx6IL_blog.html "ESPN permanently drops Hank Williams Jr. after singer compares Obama to Hitler" by Lisa de Moraes in ''The TV Column'' (3 October 2011)] * He’s luckier than a dog with two dicks. ** [[w:Bill Clinton|Bill Clinton]], on Obama's 2012 re-election chances, quoted in {{citation |title=The Intervention |periodical=The New Yorker |url=http://nymag.com/news/features/heilemann-halperin-double-down-excerpt-2013-11/index1.html |quote=Clinton trotted out for his pals the same line again and again... }} * We've got a Muslim president who hates farming, hates the military, hates the U.S., and we hate him! ** [[w:Hank Williams, Jr.|Hank Williams, Jr.]], Iowa State Fair, (17 August 2012), quoted in [http://abcnews.go.com/Politics/OTUS/hank-williams-jr-tells-crowd-obama-muslim-hates/story?id=17042110 "Hank Williams Jr. Tells Crowd Obama Is a 'Muslim' Who 'Hates the Military'" at ''ABC News'']. * If he wanted, the Barack Obama of today could have a pretty good debate with the Barack Obama of yesterday. They could argue about whether the death penalty is ever appropriate. Whether it makes sense to ban handguns. They might explore their differences on the Patriot Act or parental notification of abortion. ** [http://www.themonitor.com/common/printer/view.php?db=monitortx&id=7584 Christopher Wills, in "On some issues, record suggests Obama’s views have changed a bit over time" in the Associated Press, (22 December 2007)] *'''You lie!''' **[[Joe Wilson (U.S. politician)|Joe Wilson]], outburst during [[w:Barack Obama speech to joint session of Congress, September 2009|President Barack Obama's address]] to a [[w:Joint session of Congress|joint session of Congress]] (September 9, 2009). Alex Isenstadt, [http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0909/27194.html "Resolution of disapproval passed"], ''Politico'', 15 September 2009. [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Raising_a_Question_of_the_Privileges_of_the_House "Raising a Question of the Privileges of the House", H.R. 744], ''Congressional Record:'' 15 September 2009, pp. H9529-H9534. * Don't compare President Barack Obama to Captain James T. Kirk. Mr. Obama has the onerous burden of obeying the constitution [and] Captain Kirk was captain of everybody's fate. He was a dictator. ** [[William Shatner]] [http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/2011/10/05/william-shatners-armageddon-warning-to-prez-candidates/] * [[Neoliberalism]] with a Black face is neither the index of a revolutionary advance nor the end of anti-Blackness as a constituent element of U.S. antagonisms. If anything, the election of Obama enables a plethora of shaming discourses in response to revolutionary politics and “legitimates” widespread disavowal of any notion that the United States itself, and not merely its policies and practices, is unethical. ** [[Frank Wilderson]], ''Red, White and Black: Cinema and the Structure of U. S. Antagonisms'' (Durham: Duke University Press: 2010) * It felt like a new day. **[[Oprah Winfrey]] on Obama's 2004 speech at the Democratic convention, in "Man of the Moment" at ''Oprah.com'' (19 January 2005) ==See also== * [[List of presidents of the United States]] == External links == {{Sister project links|w=Barack Obama|wikt=no|b=no|s=Author:Barack Obama|commons=Barack Obama|n=Barack Obama|v=no|species=no|d=Q76|voy=no|m=no|mw=no}} * {{Official website|http://www.barackobama.com/}} * [http://www.legis.state.il.us/Senate/Senator.asp?MemberID=747 Barack Obama Illinois State Senate Biography] * [http://www.chicagotribune.com/obama Chicago Tribune coverage of Obama] * [http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/07/28/1313225 Obama's 2004 Democratic National Convention keynote speech] in [[w:RealVideo|RealVideo]], [[w:RealAudio|RealAudio]], or [[w:MP3|MP3]] format. == References == {{DEFAULTSORT:Obama, Barack}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:Autobiographers from the United States]] [[Category:Columbia University alumni]] [[Category:Democratic Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Lawyers from Illinois]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the United States Senate]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Nobel laureates from the United States]] [[Category:Nobel Peace Prize laureates]] [[Category:Orators from the United States]] [[Category:Politicians from Chicago]] [[Category:Politicians from Hawaii]] [[Category:Presidents of the United States]] [[Category:Protestants from the United States]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2008]] [[Category:United States presidential candidates, 2012]] 6s8wjrege06phfzvfi0wf0xmjrm8n4j 0 6871 3954228 3953961 2026-06-18T17:39:40Z ~2026-34857-32 3341519 /* See also */ 3954228 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Animaniacs (season 1)|1]] [[Animaniacs (season 2)|2]] [[Animaniacs (season 3)|3]] [[Animaniacs (season 4)|4]] [[Animaniacs (season 5)|5]] | [[Tiny Toon Adventures]] | [[The Plucky Duck Show]] | [[Pinky and the Brain]] | [[Pinky, Elmyra & the Brain|Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain]] | [[Histeria!]] | [[Animaniacs|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Animaniacs|Animaniacs]]''''' (1993–1998) is an American animated comedy musical television series created by Tom Ruegger. The series premiered on Fox Kids on September 13, 1993. It was moved to Kids' WB on September 9, 1995 and ended on November 14, 1998. ==Seasons== ::[[Animaniacs (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[Animaniacs (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[Animaniacs (season 3)|Season 3]] ::[[Animaniacs (season 4)|Season 4]] ::[[Animaniacs (season 5)|Season 5]] ==Songs== {{Main|List of Animaniacs songs}} ==Film== {{Main|Wakko's Wish}} :'''''See also [[The Warners' 65th Anniversary Special]]''''' ==See also== * ''[[Tiny Toon Adventures]]'' * ''[[The Plucky Duck Show]]'' * ''[[Pinky and the Brain]]'' * ''[[Pinky, Elmyra & the Brain|Pinky, Elmyra and the Brain]]'' * ''[[Histeria!]]'' * ''[[Animaniacs (2020 TV series)|Animaniacs]]'' (2020 TV series) * ''[[The Brain Teaches World Domination]]'' * ''[[Tiny Toons Looniversity]]'' ==Cast== * [[Yakko Warner|Yakko Warner the Yacky Yacker]], [[Dr. Scratchansniff|Scratchy Dr. Otto von Scracthansniff]] and [[Pinky|J. Bob Jones Ostrogaff the Pinky Pink One]] (voiced by {{w|Rob Paulsen}}) * [[Wakko Warner|Wakko Warner the Wacky Snacker]] (voiced by {{w|Jess Harnell}}) * [[Dot Warner|Angelina-Contessa-Louisa-Francesca-Banana-Fana-Bo-Besca "Dot" Warner III the Impossibly Cute One]], [[Hello Nurse]], [[Marita Hippo|Marita the Hippo]], [[Mom (Animaniacs)|Mom]], [[Babs Bunny|Boppin' Babsette "Babs Bunny" Barbara-Anne A. Rodhambunny the Rabbit]] and [[Mary Hartless]] (voiced by {{w|Tress MacNeille}}) * [[The Brain|John Neil Ostrogaff the Brainy Brain]], [[Squit]] and [[Foreman|Mr. Foreman]] (voiced by {{w|Maurice LaMarche}}) * [[Bobby]] (voiced by {{w|John Mariano}}) * [[Pesto]] (voiced by {{w|Chick Vennera}}) * [[Slappy Squirrel|Slappy the Slap-Happy Squirrel]] (voiced by {{w|Sherri Stoner}}) * [[Skippy Squirrel|Skippy the Skip-Hippy Squirrel]] (voiced by {{w|Nathan Ruegger}}) * [[Mindy]] (voiced by {{w|Nancy Cartwright}}) * [[Rita|Smart Rita the Pussycat]] (voiced by {{w|Bernadette Peters}}) * [[Ralph T. Guard]], [[Thaddeus Plotz|Thaddeus P. Plotz]], [[Buttons]], [[Runt|Stupid Runt the Dog]], [[Flavio Hippo|Flavio the Hippo]], [[Chicken Boo]], [[Furrball|Furrball Musk the Pussycat]], [[Little Beeper]] and [[Gogo Dodo|Gogo Wackston "W." the Dodo]] (voiced by [[Frank Welker]]) * [[Minerva Mink|Minerva the Mink]] (voiced by {{w|Julie Brown}}) * [[Mr. Director]] (voiced by {{w|Paul Rugg}}) * [[Pip|Pip Pumphandle]] (voiced by {{w|Ben Stein}}) * [[Baloney|Baloney the Dinosaur]] (voiced by {{w|Jeff Bennett}}) * [[Buster Bunny|Blockbuster B. "Buster J. Bunny" James Fillmore Rodhambunny the Rabbit]] (voiced by {{w|John Kassir}}) * [[Plucky Duck]] (voiced by {{w|Joe Alaskey}}) * [[Shirley the Loon|Shirley McLoon the Loon]] (voiced by {{w|Gail Matthius}}) * [[Fifi la Fume|Fifi la Fume la Skunk]], [[Li'l Sneezer]], [[Margot Mallard]], [[Patmay K. Pig|Patmay K.S. the Pig]] and [[Skunk Goddess|La Skunk Goddess]] (voiced by {{w|Kath Soucie}}) * [[Elmyra Duff|Elmyra Desmond Jessica Duff]] (voiced by {{w|Cree Summer}}) * [[Sphinx|Sphinxy the Sphinx]] (voiced by {{w|Susan Blu}}) * [[MC Skat Kat]] (voiced by {{w|Derrick Stevens}}) * [[Yakety Yak (Yakety Yak, Take it Back)|Yakety Yak]] (voiced by {{w|Dr. John}}) * [[Tibi the Take It Back Butterfly]] (voiced by {{w|Melba Moore}}) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons}} [[Category:1990s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American sketch comedy TV shows]] [[Category:1990s American surreal comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American preschool education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:Crossover animated TV shows]] [[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Looney Tunes]] [[Category:Animaniacs]] [[Category:Fox animated TV shows]] [[Category:Fox Kids shows]] [[Category:The WB animated TV shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about orphans]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about siblings]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] sjmsan8ylbrp3snavr3cp6lfsinzvri 0 6981 3954249 3948901 2026-06-18T19:12:11Z Pmantyla 37604 Add quote from Chapter LXIV: "Both Moscow and Kiow ..." 3954249 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title|force=true}} '''''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]''''' (Vol. 1, 1776; Vols. II-III, 1781; Vols. IV-VI, 1788) by [[Edward Gibbon]]. One of the most famous historical works written in any language and covering over 1000 years of history, from the end of the [[:w:Antoninus Pius|Antonine]] dynasty to the fall of [[:w:Constantinople|Constantinople]]. == Volume I == * [[:w:Trajan|Trajan]] was ambitious of fame; and as long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military glory will ever be the vice of the most exalted characters. ** Chapter I * The terror of the Roman arms added weight and dignity to the moderation of the emperors. They preserved peace by a constant preparation for war; and while justice regulated their conduct, they announced to the nations on their confines, that they were as little disposed to endure, as to offer an injury. ** Chapter I * Yet Phoenicia and Palestine will forever live in the memory of mankind; since America, as well as Europe, has received [[:w:alphabet|letters]] from the one, and religion from the other. ** Chapter I * That public virtue which among the ancients was denominated patriotism, is derived from a strong sense of our own interest in the preservation and prosperity of the free government of which we are members. Such a sentiment, which had rendered the legions of the republic almost invincible, could make but a very feeble impression on the mercenary servants of a despotic prince; and it became necessary to supply that defect by other motives, of a different, but not less forcible nature; honour and religion. ** Chapter I * The masters of the fairest and most wealthy climates of the globe turned with contempt from gloomy hills, assailed by the winter tempest, from lakes concealed in a blue mist, and from cold and lonely heaths, over which the deer of the forest were chased by a troop of naked barbarians. ** Chapter I * '''The various modes of worship, which prevailed in the Roman world, were all considered by the people, as equally true; by the philosopher, as equally false; and by the magistrate, as equally useful.''' ** Chapter II * But the zeal of fanaticism prevailed over the cold and feeble efforts of policy. ** Chapter II * We may be well assured, that a writer, conversant with the world, would never have ventured to expose the gods of his country to public ridicule, had they not already been the objects of secret contempt among the polished and enlightened orders of society. ** Chapter II * Under a democratical government, the citizens exercise the powers of sovereignty; and those powers will be first abused, and afterwards lost, if they are committed to an unwieldy multitude. From the foot of the Alps to the extremity of Calabria, all the natives of Italy were born citizens of Rome. Their partial distinctions were obliterated, and they insensibly coalesced into one great nation, united by language, manners, and civil institutions, and equal to the weight of a powerful empire. The republic gloried in her generous policy, and was frequently rewarded by the merit and services of her adopted sons. Had she always confined the distinction of Romans to the ancient families within the walls of the city, that immortal name would have been deprived of some of its noblest ornaments. ** Chapter II * Opinions of the Academics and [[:w:Epicureanism|Epicureans]] were of a less religious cast; but whilst the modest science of the former induced them to doubt, the positive ignorance of the latter urged them to deny, the providence of a Supreme Ruler. ** Chapter II * In Etruria, in Greece, and in Gaul, it was the first care of the senate to dissolve those dangerous confederacies, which taught mankind that, as the Roman arms prevailed by division, they might be resisted by union. Those princes, whom the ostentation of gratitude or generosity permitted for a while to hold a precarious sceptre, were dismissed from their thrones, as soon as they had performed their appointed task of fashioning to the yoke the vanquished nations. ** Chapter II * The situation of the Greeks was very different from that of the barbarians. The former had been long since civilized and corrupted. They had too much taste to relinquish their language, and too much vanity to adopt any foreign institutions. Still preserving the prejudices, after they had lost the virtues, of their ancestors, they affected to despise the unpolished manners of the Roman conquerors, whilst they were compelled to respect their superior wisdom and power. ** Chapter II * Without destroying the distinction of ranks, a distant prospect of freedom and honors was presented, even to those whom pride and prejudice almost disdained to number among the human species. ** Chapter II * The influence of the clergy, in an age of superstition, might be usefully employed to assert the rights of mankind; but so intimate is the connection between the throne and the altar, that the banner of the church has very seldom been seen on the side of the people. ** Chapter III * The two Antonines (for it is of them that we are now speaking) governed the Roman world forty-two years, with the same invariable spirit of wisdom and virtue. ... Their united reigns are possibly the only period of history in which the happiness of a great people was the sole object of government. * [[:w:Antoninus Pius|Antoninus]] diffused order and tranquillity over the greatest part of the earth. His reign is marked by the rare advantage of furnishing very few materials for history; which is, indeed, little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind. ** Chapter III This has often been truncated to : '''History...is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind.''' * The principles of a free constitution are irrevocably lost, when the legislative power is nominated by the executive. ** Chapter III * But the power of instruction is seldom of much efficacy, except in those happy dispositions where it is almost superfluous. ** Chapter IV, part I ** In describing how [[w:Marcus Aurelius|Marcus Aurelius]] summoned men of virtue and learning to attempt to broaden the mind of his son [[w:Commodus|Commodus]]. * The most worthless of mankind are not afraid to condemn in others the same disorders which they allow in themselves; and can readily discover some nice difference of age, character, or station, to justify the partial distinction. ** Chapter VI * In every age and country, the wiser, or at least the stronger, of the two sexes, has usurped the powers of the state, and confined the other to the cares and pleasures of domestic life. ** Chapter VI * Metellus Numidicus, the censor, acknowledged to the Roman people in a public oration that had kind Nature allowed us to exist without the help of women, we should be delivered from a very troublesome companion; and he could recommend matrimony, only as the sacrifice of private pleasure to public duty. ** Chapter VI, part III, footnote 64 * Augustus was sensible that mankind is governed by names; nor was he deceived in his expectation, that the senate and people would submit to slavery, provided they were respectfully assured that they still enjoyed their ancient freedom. ** Chapter VII * Twenty-two acknowledged concubines, and a library of sixty-two thousand volumes, attested the variety of [[:w:Gordian II|his]] inclinations; and from the productions which he left behind him, it appears that the former as well as the latter were designed for use rather than for ostentation. ** Chapter VII * Although the progress of civilisation has undoubtedly contributed to assuage the fiercer passions of human nature, it seems to have been less favourable to the virtue of chastity, whose most dangerous enemy is the softness of the mind. The refinements of life corrupt while they polish the intercourse of the sexes. ** Chapter IX, part III * Rational confidence ... is the just result of knowledge and experience. ** Chapter X, part III * The voice of history .. is often little more than the organ of hatred or flattery. ** Chapter X, part IV * "You have lost," said Saturninus on the day of his elevation, "a useful commander, and you have made a very wretched emperor." ** Chapter X, part IV * Fear has been the original parent of superstition and every new calamity urges trembling mortals to deprecate the wrath of their invisible enemies. ** Chapter XI, part II * Such was the unhappy condition of the Roman emperors, that, whatever might be their conduct, their fate was commonly the same. A life of pleasure or virtue, of severity or mildness, of indolence or glory, alike led to an untimely grave; and almost every reign is closed by the same disgusting repetition of treason and murder. ** Chapter XII, part I * "Alas!" he [Saturninus] said, "the republic has lost a useful servant, and the rashness of an hour has destroyed the services of many years. You know not," continued he, "the misery of sovereign power: a sword is perpetually suspended over our head. We dread our very guards, we distrust our companions. The choice of action or of repose is no longer in our disposition, nor is there any age, or character, or conduct, that can protect us from the censure of envy. In thus exalting me to the throne, you have doomed me to a life of cares, and to an untimely fate. ** Chapter XII, part II * But whenever the offence inspires less horror than the punishment, the rigour of penal law is obliged to give way to the common feelings of mankind. ** Chapter XIV, part IV * It was no longer esteemed infamous for a Roman to survive his honour and independence. ** Chapter XIV, part IV * The desire of perfection became the ruling passion of their soul; and it is well known that, while reason embraces a cold mediocrity, our passions hurry us with rapid violence over the space which lies between the most opposite extremes. ** Chapter XV, part V * But the human character, however it may be exalted or depressed by a temporary enthusiasm, will return by degrees to its proper and natural level, and will resume those passions that seem the most adapted to its present condition. ** Chapter XV, part VI * "Unhappy men!" exclaimed the proconsul Antoninus to the Christians of Asia, "If you are thus weary of your lives, is it so difficult for you to find ropes and precipices?" ** Chapter XVI, part IV ** Zealous Christians apparently provoked the authorities in order to become martyrs == Volume II == * '''In the various states of society, armies are recruited from very different motives. Barbarians are urged by the love of war; the citizens of a free republic may be prompted by a principle of duty; the subjects, or at least the nobles, of a monarchy, are animated by a sentiment of honor; but the timid and luxurious inhabitants of a declining empire must be allured into the service by the hopes of profit, or compelled by the dread of punishment.''' ** Chapter XVII * The progress of despotism ... tends to disappoint its own purpose. ** Chapter XVII, part IV * The general peace which [Constantine] maintained during the last fourteen years of his reign, was a period of apparent splendour rather than of real prosperity; and the old age of Constantine was disgraced by the opposite yet reconcilable vices of rapaciousness and prodigality. ** Chapter XVIII * But the operation of the wisest laws is imperfect and precarious. They seldom inspire virtue, they cannot always restrain vice. ** Chapter XX, part I * Corruption, the most infallible symptom of constitutional liberty. ** Chapter XXI * Whenever the spirit of fanaticism, at once so credulous and so crafty, has insinuated itself into a noble mind, it insensibly corrodes the vital principles of virtue and veracity. ** Chapter XXII, part I * It is the common calamity of old age to lose whatever might have rendered it desirable. ** Chapter XXIV, part I * I die without remorse, as I have lived without guilt. ** Julian the Apostate ** Chapter XXIV, part IV * Flattery is a foolish suicide; she destroys herself with her own hands. ** Chapter XXV, part I, footnote 1 * the inquisition into the crime of magic, which, under the reign of the two brothers, was so rigorously prosecuted both at Rome and Antioch, was interpreted as the fatal symptom, either of the displeasure of Heaven, or the depravity of mankind. Let us not hesitate to indulge a liberal pride, that, in the present age, the enlightened part of Europe has abolished a cruel and odious prejudice, which reigned in every climate of the globe, and adhered to every system of religious opinion. The nations, the sects, of the roman world, admitted with equal credulity, and similar abhorrence, the reality of that infernal art, which was able to control the eternal order of the planets, and the voluntary operations of the human mind. They dreaded the mysterious power of spells and incantations, of potent herbs, and execrable rites; which could extinguish or recall life, inflame the passions of the soul, blast the works of creation, and extort from the reluctant demons the secrets of futurity. They believed, with the wildest inconsistency, that this preternatural dominion of the air, of earth, and of hell, was exercised, from the vilest motives of malice or gain, by some wrinkled hags and itinerate sorcerers, who passed their lives in penury and contempt. The arts of magic were equally condemned by the public opinion, and by the laws of Rome; but as they tended to gratify the most imperious passions of the heart of man, they were continually proscribed, and continually practiced. ** Chapter XXV * But the wisdom and authority of the legislator are seldom victorious in a contest with the vigilant dexterity of private interest. ** Chapter XXV, part III * A philosopher may deplore the eternal discord of the human race, but he will confess that the desire of spoil is a more rational provocation than the vanity of conquest. ** Chapter XXV, part V * He was released from the miseries of life. ** Chapter XXV, part VI * Ammianus is so eloquent that he writes nonsense. ** Chapter XXV, part VII, footnote 154 * The progress of manufactures and commerce insensibly collects a large multitude within the walls of a city; but these citizens are no longer soldiers, and the arts which adorn and improve the state of civil society corrupt the habits of the military life. ** Chapter XXVI, part I * Man has much more to fear from the passions of his fellow-creatures than from the convulsions of the elements. ** Chapter XXVI, part I * Resistance was fatal; flight was impracticable; and the patient submission of helpless innocence seldom found mercy from the barbarian conqueror. ** Chapter XXVI, part III * Feeble and timid minds ... consider the use of the dilatory and ambiguous measures as the most admirable efforts of consummate prudence. ** Chapter XXVI, part III * I reverence the field of battle, stained with their blood and the blood of the barbarians. Those honourable marks have been already washed away by the rains; but the lofty monuments of their bones, the bones of generals, of centurions, and of valiant warriors, claim a longer period of duration. ** Libanius ** Chapter XXVI, part IV * The urgent consideration of the public safety may undoubtedly authorise the violation of every positive law. How far that or any other consideration may operate to dissolve the natural obligations of humanity and justice, is a doctrine of which I still desire to remain ignorant. ** Chapter XXVI, part V == Volume III == * His profound veneration for the Christian clergy was rewarded by the applause and gratitude of a powerful order, which has claimed in every age the privilege of dispensing honours, both on earth and in heaven. ** Chapter XXVII, part I * Yet every physician is prone to exaggerate the inveterate nature of the disease which he has cured. ** Chapter XXVII, part II, footnote 26. ** In this case remarking on the works of [[w:Gregory Nazianzen|Gregory Nazianzen]]. * If the exercise of justice is the most important duty, the indulgence of mercy is the most exquisite pleasure of a sovereign. ** Theodosius ** Chapter XXVII, part IV * The son of Theodosius passed the slumber of his life, a captive in his palace, a stranger in his country, and the patient, almost the indifferent, spectator of the ruin of the Western empire, which was repeatedly attacked, and finally subverted, by the arms of the Barbarians. In the eventful history of a reign of twenty-eight years, it will seldom be necessary to mention the name of the emperor [[:w:Flavius Augustus Honorius|Honorius]]. ** Chapter XXIX * In populous cities, which are the seat of commerce and manufactures, the middle ranks of inhabitants, who derive their subsistence from the dexterity or labour of their hands, are commonly the most prolific, the most useful, and; in that sense, the most respectable part of the community. ** Chapter XXXI, part II * '''There exists in human nature a strong propensity to depreciate the advantages, and to magnify the evils, of the present time'''s. ** Chapter XXXI, part IV ** In this case recent injuries to Rome from the Goths compared to those from the Gauls in former times. ** Similar "Notwithstanding the propensity of mankind to exalt the past, and to depreciate the present," in volume I, chapter II, part IV. * The groans of the dying excited only the envy of their surviving friends. ** Mariana de Rebus Hispanicis ** Chapter XXXI, part VI * The inconstant, rebellious disposition of the people [of Armorica], was incompatible either with freedom or servitude. ** Chapter XXXI, part VI * But the desire of obtaining the advantages, and of escaping the burthens, of political society, is a perpetual and inexhaustible source of discord. ** Chapter XXXI, part VI * A military force was collected in Europe, formidable by their arms and numbers, if the generals had understood the science of command, and their soldiers the duty of obedience. ** Chapter XXXIV, part I * In the hands of a popular preacher, an earthquake is an engine of admirable effect. ** Chapter XXXIV, part I, footnote 22 (it's footnote 21 in other editions) * For what fortress, what city, in the wide extent of the Roman empire, can hope to exist, secure and impregnable, if it is our pleasure that it should be erased from the earth? ** Attila the Hun ** Chapter XXXIV, part II * It was the opinion of Marcian, that war should be avoided as long as it is possible to preserve a secure and honourable peace; but it was likewise his opinion that peace cannot be honourable or secure, if the sovereign betrays a pusillanimous aversion to war. ** Chapter XXXV, part I * The conflict was obstinate; the slaughter was mutual. ** Chapter XXXV, part I * Whole generations may be swept away by the madness of kings in the space of a single hour. ** Chapter XXXV, part II * I am ignorant, sir, of your motives or provocations; I only know that you have acted like a man who cuts off his right hand with his left. ** Unnamed Roman ** Chapter XXXV, part III * But the emperor of the West, the feeble and dissolute Valentinian, who had reached his thirty-fifth year without attaining the age of reason or courage, abused this apparent security to undermine the foundations of his own throne by the murder of the patrician Aetius. ** Chapter XXXV, part III * The Roman government appeared every day less formidable to its enemies, more odious and oppressive to its subjects. ** Chapter XXXV, part III * But the day of his inauguration was the last day of his happiness. ** Chapter XXXVI, part I * The successor of Avitus [Majorian] presents the welcome discovery of a great and heroic character, such as sometimes arise, in a degenerate age, to vindicate the honour of the human species. ** Chapter XXXVI, part II * History has scarcely deigned to notice his [Libius Severus's] birth, his elevation, his character, or his death. ** Chapter XXXVI, part III * The emperor was probably born in the province of Galatia, whose inhabitants, the Gallo-Grecians, were supposed to unite the vices of a savage and a corrupted people. ** Chapter XXXVI, part IV, footnote 103 * The revolution of ages may bring round the same calamities; but ages may revolve without producing a Tacitus to describe them. ** Chapter XXXVI, part IV, footnote 110 * He [Ennodius] adds weight to the narrative of Procopius, though we may doubt whether the devil actually contrived the siege of Pavia to distress the bishop and his flock. ** Chapter XXXVI, part V, footnote 119 * The Romans derided his [Marius's] indolence; they soon bewailed his activity. ** Chapter XXXVI, part V, footnote 130 * Severinus died in Noricum, A.D. 482. Six years afterwards his body, which scattered miracles as it passed, was transported by his disciples into Italy. ** Chapter XXXVI, part V, footnote 132 * They [the Ascetics] seriously renounced the business, and the pleasures, of the age; abjured the use of wine, of flesh, and of marriage; chastised their body, mortified their affections, and embraced a life of misery, as the price of eternal happiness. ** Chapter XXXVII, part I * The stories of Paul, Hilarion, and Malchus, by the same author [St. Jerom], are admirably told; and the only defect of these pleasing compositions is the want of truth and common sense. ** Chapter XXXVII, part I, footnote 17 * The peace of the Eastern church was invaded by a swarm of fanatics [monks], incapable of fear, or reason, or humanity; and the Imperial troops acknowledged, without shame, that they were much less apprehensive of an encounter with the fiercest barbarians. ** Chapter XXXVII, part I * Pleasure and guilt are synonymous terms in the language of the monks, and they had discovered, by experience, that rigid fasts and abstemious diet are the most effectual preservatives against the impure desires of the flesh. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * The monastic studies have tended, for the most part to darken, rather than to dispel, the cloud of superstition. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * I have somewhere heard or read the frank confession of a Benedictine abbot: "My vow of poverty has given me an hundred thousand crowns a year; my vow of obedience has raised me to the rank of a sovereign prince." I forget the consequences of his vow of chastity. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II, footnote 57 * Recluse fanatics have few ideas or sentiments to communicate. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * Industry must be faint and languid which is not excited by the sense of personal interest. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * Their [the monks'] credulity debased and vitiated the faculties of the mind: they corrupted the evidence of history; and superstition gradually extinguished the hostile light of philosophy and science. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * All the manly virtues were oppressed by the servile and pusillanimous reign of the monks. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * The ferocious Germans [have] so often attempted, and who will always desire, to exchange the solitude of their woods and morasses for the wealth and fertility of Gaul. ** Tacitus ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * The fortune of nations has often depended on accidents. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * They [the Gauls] derided the hairy and gigantic savages of the North; their rustic manners, dissonant joy, voracious appetite, and their horrid appearance, equally disgusting to the sight and to the smell. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * The Gauls were endowed with all the advantages of art and nature, but, as they wanted courage to defend them, they were justly condemned to obey, and even to flatter, the victorious barbarians by whose clemency they held their precarious fortunes and their lives. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * If you truly profess the Christian religion, why do you not restrain the king of the Franks? He has declared war against me, and forms alliances with my enemies for my destruction. A sanguinary and covetous mind is not the symptom of a sincere conversion: let him show his faith by his works. ** Gundobald, King of the Bugundians ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * Perhaps it would not be easy, within the same historical space, to find more vice and less virtue. We are continually shocked by the union of savage [Barbarian] and corrupt [Roman] manners. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part II, footnote 61 * A bloody and complete victory has sometimes yielded no more than the possession of the field; and the loss of ten thousand men has sometimes been sufficient to destroy, in a single day, the work of ages. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part II * The love of freedom, so often invigorated and disgraced by private ambition, was reduced among the licentious Franks to the contempt of order and the desire of impunity. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part IV * Every age, however destitute of science or virtue, sufficiently abounds with acts of blood and military renown. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part V * By the revolution of Britain the limits of science as well as of empire were contracted. The dark cloud which had been cleared by the Phoenician discoveries, and finally dispelled by the arms of Caesar, again settled on the shores of the Atlantic, and a Roman province was again lost among the fabulous islands of the Ocean. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part V * But the decline of Rome was the natural and inevitable effect of immoderate greatness. Prosperity ripened the principle of decay; the causes of destruction multiplied with the extent of conquest; and as soon as time or accident had removed the artificial supports, the stupendous fabric yielded to the pressure of its own weight. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Instead of inquiring why the Roman empire was destroyed, we should rather be surprised that it had subsisted so long. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Extreme distress, which unites the virtue of a free people, embitters the factions of a declining monarchy. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * The savage nations of the globe are the common enemies of civilised society; and we may inquire, with anxious curiosity, whether Europe is still threatened with a repetition of those calamities which formerly oppressed the arms and institutions of Rome. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Yet this apparent security should not tempt us to forget that new enemies and unknown dangers may possibly arise from some obscure people, scarcely visible in the map of the world. The Arabs or Saracens, who spread their conquests from India to Spain, had languished in poverty and contempt till Mahomet breathed into those savage bodies the soul of enthusiasm. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Europe is secure from any future irruption of barbarians; since, before they can conquer, they must cease to be barbarous. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Yet the experience of four thousand years should enlarge our hopes and diminish our apprehensions: we cannot determine to what height the human species may aspire in their advance towards perfection; but it may safely be presumed that no people, unless the face of nature is changed, will relapse into their original barbarism. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * We may therefore acquiesce in the pleasing conclusion that every age of the world has increased and still increases the real wealth, the happiness, the knowledge, and perhaps the virtue, of the human race. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West == Volume IV == * Their [the Ostrogoths'] poverty was incurable; since the most liberal donatives were soon dissipated in wasteful luxury, and the most fertile estates became barren in their hands; they despised, but they envied, the laborious provincials; and when their subsistence had failed, the Ostrogoths embraced the familiar resources of war and rapine. ** Chapter XXXIX, part I * But if the royal ear was open to the voice of truth, a saint and a philosopher are not always to be found at the ear of kings. ** Chapter XXXIX, part III * Boethius might have been styled happy, if that precarious epithet could be safely applied before the last term of the life of man. ** Chapter XXXIX, part III * In these honourable contests his spirit soared above the consideration of danger, and perhaps of prudence. ** Chapter XXXIX, part III * A material difference may be observed in the games of antiquity: the most eminent of the Greeks were actors, the Romans were merely spectators. The Olympic stadium was open to wealth, merit, and ambition; and if the candidates could depend on their personal skill and activity, they might pursue the footsteps of Diomede and Menelaus, and conduct their own horses in the rapid career&hellip; But a [Roman] senator, or even a citizen, conscious of his dignity, would have blushed to expose his person or his horses in the circus of Rome. The games were established at the expense of the republic, the magistrates, or the emperors; but the reins were abandoned to servile hands; and if the profits of a favourite charioteer sometimes exceeded those of an advocate, they must be considered as the effects of popular extravagance, and the high wages of a disgraceful profession. ** Chapter XL ** contrasting active Greek and passive Roman sport * From this capital, this pestilence was diffused into the provinces and cities of the East, and the sportive distinction of two colours produced two strong and irreconcilable factions, which shook the foundations of a feeble government&hellip; Every law, either human or divine, was trampled under foot; and as long as the party was successful, its deluded followers appeared careless of private distress or public calamity. ** Chapter XL ** on the fighting between the Blue and Green factions of chariot race fans * It is the interest as well as duty of a sovereign to maintain the authority of the laws. ** Chapter XL, part II * For my own part, I adhere to the maxim of antiquity, that the throne is a glorious sepulchre. ** Theodora ** Chapter XL, part II * The enthusiast who entered the dome of St. Sophia might be tempted to suppose that it was the residence, or even the workmanship, of the Deity. Yet how dull is the artifice, how insignificant is the labour, if it be compared with the formation of the vilest insect that crawls upon the surface of the temple! ** Chapter XL, part IV * The Gothic arms were less fatal to the schools of Athens than the establishment of a new religion, whose ministers superseded the exercise of reason, resolved every question by an article of faith, and condemned the infidel or sceptic to eternal flames. ** Chapter XL, part V * I am not insensible of the benefits of elegant luxury; yet I reflect with some pain, that if [[:w:Silk#Secret|the importers of silk]] had introduced the art of printing, already practised by the Chinese, the comedies of Menander and the entire decads of Livy would have been perpetuated in the editions of the sixth century. ** Chapter XL * In the evening Belisarius led his infantry to the attack of the camp; and the pusillanimous flight of Gelimer exposed the vanity of his recent declarations, that to the vanquished, death was a relief, life a burden, and infamy the only object of terror. ** Chapter XLI, part II * So long as Heaven has condemned us to suffer, patience is a virtue; but if we reject the proffered deliverance, it degenerates into blind and stupid despair. ** Pharas ** Chapter XLI, part II * The vain and transitory scenes of human greatness are unworthy of a serious thought. ** Chapter XLI, part II * Flattery adheres to power, and envy to superior merit. ** Chapter XLI, part II * If it were not a melancholy truth, that the first and most cruel sufferings must be the lot of the innocent and helpless, history might exult in the misery of the conquerors, who, in the midst of riches, were left destitute of bread or wine, reduced to drink the waters of the Po, and to feed on the flesh of distempered cattle. ** Chapter XLI, part V * The spectator and historian of his [Belisarius's] exploits has observed, that amidst the perils of war, he was daring without rashness, prudent without fear, slow or rapid according to the exigencies of the moment; that in the deepest distress he was animated by real or apparent hope, but that he was modest and humble in the most prosperous fortune. ** Chapter XLI, part VI * The revenge of a guilty woman is implacable and bloody. ** Chapter XLI, part VI * Our estimate of personal merit, is relative to the common faculties of mankind. The aspiring efforts of genius, or virtue, either in active or speculative life, are measured, not so much by their real elevation, as by the height to which they ascend above the level of their age and country; and the same stature, which in a people of giants would pass unnoticed, must appear conspicuous in a race of pygmies. ** Chapter XLII, part I * It is impossible to reduce, or, at least, to hold a distant country against the wishes and efforts of its inhabitants. ** Chapter XLII, part III * If a Christian power had been maintained in Arabia, Mahomet must have been crushed in his cradle, and Abyssinia would have prevented a revolution which has changed the civil and religious state of the world. ** Chapter XLII, part III * That country [Carthage] was rapidly sinking into the state of barbarism from whence it had been raised by the Phoenician colonies and Roman laws; and every step of intestine discord was marked by some deplorable victory of savage man over civilized society. ** Chapter XLIII, part I * It was his [Totila's] constant theme, that national vice and ruin are inseparably connected; that victory is the fruit of moral as well as military virtue; and that the prince, and even the people, are responsible for the crimes which they neglect to punish. ** Chapter XLIII, part I * But the works of man are impotent against the assaults of nature. ** Chapter XLIII, part III * A Locrian, who proposed any new law, stood forth in the assembly of the people with a cord round his neck, and if the law was rejected, the innovator was instantly strangled. ** Chapter XLIV, part II * The Romans had aspired to be equal; they were levelled by the equality of servitude. ** Chapter XLIV, part II * A jurisdiction thus vague and arbitrary was exposed to the most dangerous abuse: the substance, as well as the form, of justice were often sacrificed to the prejudices of virtue, the bias of laudable affection, and the grosser seductions of interest or resentment. ** Chapter XLIV, part II * The science of the laws is the slow growth of time and experience. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * It is the first care of a reformer to prevent any future reformation. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * The law of nature instructs most animals to cherish and educate their infant progeny. The law of reason inculcates to the human species the returns of filial piety. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * Passion, interest, or caprice, suggested daily motives for the dissolution of marriage; a word, a sign, a message, a letter, the mandate of a freedman, declared the separation; the most tender of human connections was degraded to a transient society of profit or pleasure. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * A specious theory is confuted by this free and perfect experiment, which demonstrates, that the liberty of divorce does not contribute to happiness and virtue. The facility of separation would destroy all mutual confidence, and inflame every trifling dispute: the minute difference between a husband and a stranger, which might so easily be removed, might still more easily be forgotten; and the matron, who in five years can submit to the embraces of eight husbands, must cease to reverence the chastity of her own person. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * In the most rigorous [Roman] laws, a wife was condemned to support a gamester, a drunkard, or a libertine, unless he were guilty of homicide, poison, or sacrilege, in which cases the marriage, as it should seem, might have been dissolved by the hand of the executioner. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * The successor of Justinian yielded to the prayers of his unhappy subjects, and restored the liberty of divorce by mutual consent: the civilians were unanimous, the theologians were divided, and the ambiguous word, which contains the precept of Christ, is flexible to any interpretation that the wisdom of a legislator can demand. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * Women were condemned to the perpetual tutelage of parents, husbands, or guardians; a sex created to please and obey was never supposed to have attained the age of reason and experience. Such, at least, was the stern and haughty spirit of the ancient law, which had been insensibly mollified before the time of Justinian. ** Chapter XLIV, part V * The active, insatiate principle of self-love can alone supply the arts of life and the wages of industry; and as soon as civil government and exclusive property have been introduced, they become necessary to the existence of the human race. ** Chapter XLIV, part V * A sentence of death and infamy was often founded on the slight and suspicious evidence of a child or a servant: the guilt of the green faction, of the rich, and of the enemies of Theodora, was presumed by the judges, and paederasty became the crime of those to whom no crime could be imputed. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * The criminal penalties [for suicide] are the production of a later and darker age. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII, footnote 206 * Yet the civilians have always respected the natural right of a citizen to dispose of his life. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * The discretion of the judge is the first engine of tyranny. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * But the government of Justinian united the evils of liberty and servitude; and the Romans were oppressed at the same time by the multiplicity of their laws and the arbitrary will of their master. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * When a public quarrel is envenomed by private injuries, a blow that is not mortal or decisive can be productive only of a short truce, which allows the unsuccessful combatant to sharpen his arms for a new encounter. ** Chapter XLV, part I * The more stubborn [[:w:Lombards|Barbarians]] sacrificed a she-goat, or perhaps a captive, to the gods of their fathers... Gregory the Roman supposes that they likewise adored this she-goat. '''I know but of one religion in which the god and the victim are the same.''' ** Chapter XLV, part I, footnote 14 * A society in which marriage is encouraged and industry prevails soon repairs the accidental losses of pestilence and war. ** Chapter XLV, part III * The events by which the fate of nations is not materially changed, leave a faint impression on the page of history, and the patience of the reader would be exhausted by the repetition of the same hostilities, undertaken without cause, prosecuted without glory, and terminated without effect. ** Chapter XLVI, part I * A reformer should be exempt from the suspicion of interest, and he must possess the confidence and esteem of those whom he proposes to reclaim. ** Chapter XLVI, part II * But the pride of the Persian had not yet sunk to the level of his fortune. ** Chapter XLVI, part IV * According to the faith and mercy of his Christian enemies, he [Chosroes] sunk without hope into a still deeper abyss; and it will not be denied, that tyrants of every age and sect are the best entitled to such infernal abodes. ** Chapter XLVI, part IV * And the more formidable monks, whose minds were inaccessible to reason or mercy, besieged the doors of the cathedral. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * He [Justinian] piously labored to establish with fire and sword the unity of the Christian faith. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * The province which had been ruined by the bigotry of Justinian, was the same through which the Mahometans penetrated into the empire. ** Chapter XLVII, part III, footnote 90 * Language, the leading principle which unites or separates the tribes of mankind, soon discriminated the sectaries of the East, by a peculiar and perpetual badge, which abolished the means of intercourse and the hope of reconciliation. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * The long dominion of the Greeks, their colonies, and, above all, their eloquence, had propagated a language doubtless the most perfect that has been contrived by the art of man. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * The desire of gaining souls for God and subjects for the church, has excited in every age the diligence of the Christian priests. ** Chapter XLVII, part IV * Under the rod of oppression, the zeal of the Armenians is fervent and intrepid; they have often preferred the crown of martyrdom to the white turban of Mahomet. ** Chapter XLVII, part IV * In every deed of mischief [[:w:Andronicus I Comnenus|he]] had a heart to resolve, a head to contrive, and a hand to execute. ** Chapter XLVIII * During his government of twenty-five years, the penalty of death was abolished in the Roman empire, a law of mercy most delightful to the humane theorist, but of which the practice, in a large and vicious community, is seldom consistent with the public safety. ** Chapter XLVIII, part IV * Our sympathy is cold to the relation of distant misery. ** Chapter XLIX * In the field of controversy I always pity the moderate party, who stand on the open middle ground exposed to the fire of both sides. ** Chapter XLIX, part I, footnote 30 * Ignorant of the arts of luxury, the primitive Romans had improved the science of government and war. ** Chapter XLIX, part II * But their minds were not yet humbled to their condition; and instead of affecting the pacific virtues of the feeble, they peevishly harassed the Romans with a repetition of claims, evasions, and inroads, which they undertook without reflection, and terminated without glory. ** Chapter XLIX, part II * There is nothing perhaps more adverse to nature and reason than to hold in obedience remote countries and foreign nations, in opposition to their inclination and interest. ** Chapter XLIX, part VI * An extensive empire must be supported by a refined system of policy and oppression; in the centre, an absolute power, prompt in action and rich in resources; a swift and easy communication with the extreme parts; fortifications to check the first effort of rebellion; a regular administration to protect and punish; and a well-disciplined army to inspire fear, without provoking discontent and despair. ** Chapter XLIX, part VI == Volume V == * Mahomet, with the sword in one hand and the Koran in the other, erected his throne on the ruins of Christianity and of Rome. ** Chapter L, part I * In this primitive and abject state, which ill deserves the name of society, the human brute, without arts or laws, almost without sense or language, is poorly distinguished from the rest of the animal creation. ** Chapter L, part I * Our toil is lessened, and our wealth is increased, by our dominion over the useful animals. ** Chapter L, part I * The life of a wandering Arab is a life of danger and distress; and though sometimes, by rapine or exchange, he may appropriate the fruits of industry, a private citizen in Europe is in the possession of more solid and pleasing luxury than the proudest emir, who marches in the field at the head of ten thousand horse. ** Chapter L, part I * The noblest of [Arabs] united the love of arms with the profession of merchandise. ** Chapter L, part I * [Arabs are] a people, whom it is dangerous to provoke, and fruitless to attack. ** Chapter L, part I * But their [the Arabs'] friendship was venal, their faith inconstant, their enmity capricious: it was an easier task to excite than to disarm these roving barbarians; and, in the familiar intercourse of war, they learned to see, and to despise, the splendid weakness both of Rome and of Persia. ** Chapter L, part I * The separation of the Arabs from the rest of mankind has accustomed them to confound the ideas of stranger and enemy ** Chapter L, part II * The character of Hatem is the perfect model of Arabian virtue: he was brave and liberal, an eloquent poet, and a successful robber. ** Chapter L, part II * [Beauty is] an outward gift which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused. ** Chapter L, part III * The moral attributes of Jehovah may not easily be reconciled with the standard of human virtue. ** Chapter L, part III * Mahomet has not specified the male companions of the female elect, lest he should either alarm the jealousy of their former husbands, or disturb their felicity, by the suspicion of an everlasting marriage. ** Chapter L, part IV * They trusted to the intercession of their old allies of Medina; they could not be ignorant that fanaticism obliterates the feelings of humanity. ** Chapter L, part VI * Ye Christian dogs, you know your option; the Koran, the tribute, or the sword. We are a people whose delight is in war rather than in peace: and we despise your pitiful alms, since we shall be speedily masters of your wealth your families, and your persons. ** Chaled ** Chapter LI, part III * In a private condition, our desires are perpetually repressed by poverty and subordination; but the lives and labors of millions are devoted to the service of a despotic prince, whose laws are blindly obeyed, and whose wishes are instantly gratified. Our imagination is dazzled by the splendid picture; and whatever may be the cool dictates of reason, there are few among us who would obstinately refuse a trial of the comforts and the cares of royalty. It may therefore be of some use to borrow the experience of the same [[:w:Abd-ar-Rahman III|Abdalrahman]], whose magnificence has perhaps excited our admiration and envy, and to transcribe an authentic memorial which was found in the closet of the deceased caliph. 'I have now reigned above fifty years in victory or peace; beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to Fourteen: - O man! place not thy confidence in this present world!' ... This confession, [[:w:Ecclesiastes#.22Vanity.22|the complaints of Solomon of the vanity of this world]]... and the happy ten days of the emperor Seghed... will be triumphantly quoted by the detractors of human life. Their expectations are commonly immoderate, their estimates are seldom impartial. If I may speak of myself, (the only person of whom I can speak with certainty), my happy hours have far exceeded, and far exceed, the scanty numbers of the caliph of Spain; and I shall not scruple to add, that many of them are due to the pleasing labor of the present composition. ** Chapter LII * But the nations of the East had been taught to trample on the [[:w:Caliph#The Abbasids of Baghdad|successors of the prophet]]; and the blessings of domestic peace were obtained by the relaxation of strength and discipline. So uniform are the mischiefs of military despotism, that I seem to repeat the [[:w:Praetorian_guard#Political Meddling|story of the praetorians of Rome]]. ** Chapter LII * The sublime science of astronomy ... elevates the mind of man to disdain his diminutive planet and momentary existence. ** Chapter LII, part III * Their rapacious spirit was approved and animated by the precepts of the Koran. ** Chapter LII, part IV * In the national and religious conflict of the two empires [Byzantine and Saracen], peace was without confidence, and war without mercy. ** Chapter LII, part IV * A victorious line of march had been prolonged above a thousand miles from the rock of Gibraltar to the banks of the Loire; the repetition of an equal space would have carried the Saracens to the confines of Poland and the Highlands of Scotland; the Rhine is not more impassable than the Nile or Euphrates, and the Arabian fleet might have sailed without a naval combat into the mouth of the Thames. '''Perhaps the interpretation of the Koran would now be taught in the schools of Oxford, and her pulpits might demonstrate to a circumcised people the sanctity and truth of the revelation of Mahomet.'''<br>From such calamities was Christendom delivered by the genius and fortune of one man. Charles, the illegitimate son of the elder Pepin, was content with the titles of mayor or duke of the Franks; but he deserved to become the father of a line of kings. [...]No sooner had he collected his forces, than he sought and found the enemy in the centre of France, between Tours and Poitiers. His well-conducted march was covered with a range of hills, and Abderame appears to have been surprised by his unexpected presence. The nations of Asia, Africa, and Europe, advanced with equal ardor to an encounter which would change the history of the world. In the six first days of desultory combat, the horsemen and archers of the East maintained their advantage: but in the closer onset of the seventh day, the Orientals were oppressed by the strength and stature of the Germans, who, with stout hearts and iron hands, asserted the civil and religious freedom of their posterity. The epithet of Martel, the Hammer, which has been added to the name of Charles, is expressive of his weighty and irresistible strokes: the valor of Eudes was excited by resentment and emulation; and their companions, in the eye of history, are the true Peers and Paladins of French chivalry. After a bloody field, in which Abderame was slain, the Saracens, in the close of the evening, retired to their camp. In the disorder and despair of the night, the various tribes of Yemen and Damascus, of Africa and Spain, were provoked to turn their arms against each other: the remains of their host were suddenly dissolved, and each emir consulted his safety by a hasty and separate retreat. At the dawn of the day, the stillness of a hostile camp was suspected by the victorious Christians: on the report of their spies, they ventured to explore the riches of the vacant tents; but if we except some celebrated relics, a small portion of the spoil was restored to the innocent and lawful owners. The joyful tidings were soon diffused over the Catholic world, and the monks of Italy could affirm and believe that three hundred and fifty, or three hundred and seventy-five, thousand of the Mahometans had been crushed by the hammer of Charles, while no more than fifteen hundred Christians were slain in the field of Tours. But this incredible tale is sufficiently disproved by the caution of the French general, who apprehended the snares and accidents of a pursuit, and dismissed his German allies to their native forests.<br>The inactivity of a conqueror betrays the loss of strength and blood, and the most cruel execution is inflicted, not in the ranks of battle, but on the backs of a flying enemy. Yet the victory of the Franks was complete and final; Aquitain was recovered by the arms of Eudes; the Arabs never resumed the conquest of Gaul, and they were soon driven beyond the Pyrenees by Charles Martel and his valiant race. ** Chapter LII * '''In the profession of Christianity, the variety of national characters may be clearly distinguished'''. The natives of Syria and Egypt abandoned their lives to lazy and contemplative devotion; Rome again aspired to the dominion of the world; and the wit of the lively and loquacious Greeks was consumed in the disputes of metaphysical theology. ** Chapter LIV, part I * Of human life, the most glorious or humble prospects are alike and soon bounded by the sepulchre. ** Chapter LVI, part IV * From the paths of blood (and such is the history of nations) I cannot refuse to turn aside to gather some flowers of science or virtue. ** Chapter LVII, part I * He possessed that vehemence of speech, which seldom fails to impart the persuasion of the soul. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * But a law, however venerable be the sanction, cannot suddenly transform the temper of the times. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * So familiar, and as it were so natural to man, is the practice of violence, that our indulgence allows the slightest provocation, the most disputable right, as a sufficient ground of national hostility. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * A latent motive of affection or vanity might influence [[:w:Council of Clermont|the choice]] of [[:w:Pope Urban II|Urban]]: he was himself a native of France, a monk of Clugny, and the first of his countrymen who ascended the throne of St. Peter. The pope had illustrated his family and province; nor is there perhaps a more exquisite gratification than to revisit, in a conspicuous dignity, the humble and laborious scenes of our youth. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * The soil is fruitful, and intersected with rivers; but it was then covered with morasses and forests, which spread to a boundless extent, whenever man has ceased to exercise his dominion over the earth. ** Chapter LVIII, part II == Volume VI == * The sentiment of fear is nearly allied to that of hatred. ** Chapter LIX, part I * The successors of St. Peter appear to have followed, rather than guided, the impulse of manners and prejudice; without much foresight of the seasons, or cultivation of the soil, they gathered the ripe and spontaneous fruits of the superstition of the times. ** Chapter LIX, part III * Of this hostile temper, a large portion may doubtless be ascribed to the difference of language, dress, and manners, which severs and alienates the nations of the globe. ** Chapter LX, part I * A thousand quarrels must arise under a law, and among men, whose sole umpire was the sword. ** Chapter LXI, part I * From these [[:w:Morea|Latin princes of the xivth century]], Boccace, Chaucer, and Shakspeare, have borrowed [[:w:A Midsummer Night's Dream|their Theseus duke of Athens]]. An ignorant age transfers its own language and manners to the most distant times. ** Chapter LXII * Assassination is the last resource of cowards. ** Chapter LXII, part III * In the year 1238, the inhabitants of Gothia (Sweden) and Frise were prevented, by their fear of the Tartars, from sending, as usual, their ships to the herring fishery on the coast of England; and as there was no exportation, forty or fifty of these fish were sold for a shilling... It is whimsical enough, that the orders of a [[:w:Ögedei Khan|Mogul khan]], who reigned on the borders of China, should have lowered the price of herrings in the English market. ** Chapter LXIV * Both Moscow and Kiow, the modern and the ancient capitals, were reduced to ashes; a temporary ruin, less fatal than the deep, and perhaps indelible, mark, which a servitude of two hundred years has imprinted on the character of the Russians. ** Chapter LXIV, part II * By the Venetians, the use of [[:w:black powder|gunpowder]] was communicated without reproach to the sultans of Egypt and Persia, their allies against the Ottoman power; the secret was soon propagated to the extremities of Asia; and the advantage of the European was confined to his easy victories over the savages of the new world. '''If we contrast the rapid progress of this mischievous discovery with the slow and laborious advances of reason, science, and the arts of peace, a philosopher, according to his temper, will laugh or weep at the folly of mankind'''. ** Chapter LXV * But no sooner had [[:w:Timur|he]] introduced himself into the city, under color of a truce, than he perfidiously violated the treaty... and animated his troops to chastise the posterity of those Syrians who had executed, or approved, the murder of the [[:w:Husayn bin Ali|grandson of Mahomet]]. A family which had given honorable burial to the head of Hosein, and a colony of artificers, whom he sent to labor at Samarcand, were alone reserved in the general massacre, and after a period of seven centuries, Damascus was reduced to ashes, because a Tartar was moved by religious zeal to avenge the blood of an Arab. ** Chapter LXV * Since the reign of [[:w:Aurangzeb|Aurungzebe]], [[:w:Mughal Empire|their empire]] had been dissolved; their treasures of Delhi have been rifled by a [[:w:Nadir Shah|Persian robber]]; and the richest of their kingdoms is now possessed by a [[:w:British East India Company|company of Christian merchants]], of a remote island in the Northern Ocean. ** Chapter LXV * The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ** Chapter LXVIII * [[:w:Gennadius Scholarius|His]] defence, at Florence, of the same union, which he so furiously attacked at Constantinople, has tempted Leo Allatius... to divide him into two men; but Renaudot... has restored the identity of his person and the duplicity of his character. ** Chapter LXVIII * 'When [[:w:Geoffrey of Anjou|he was master of Normandy]], the chapter of Seez presumed, without his consent, to proceed to the election of a bishop' upon which he ordered all of them, with the bishop elect, to be castrated, and made all their testicles be brought him in a platter.' Of the pain and danger they might justly complain; yet since they had vowed chastity he deprived them of a superfluous treasure. ** Chapter LXIX * Vicissitudes of fortune, which spares neither man nor the proudest of his works, which buries empires and cities in a common grave. ** Chapter LXXI * In the preceding volumes of this History, I have described the triumph of barbarism and religion. ** Chapter LXXI * All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance. ** Chapter LXXI == About == * "Another damned fat book, Mr. Gibbon? Scribble, scribble, scribble, eh Mr. Gibbon?" ** variously attributed to King George III or Henry, Duke of Gloucester, upon receiving a volume of Gibbon's book. * I set out upon...Gibbon's ''Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'' [and] was immediately dominated both by the story and the style....I devoured Gibbon. I rode triumphantly through it from end to end and enjoyed it all. ** [[Winston Churchill]], ''My Early Life: A Roving Commission'' (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1958) ,also quoted in "Winston Churchill: Sketch for a Portrait" in [[w:George Lichtheim|George Lichtheim]],''Thoughts Among the Ruins: Collected essays on Europe and beyond''. (Transaction Publishers, 1973) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.ccel.org/g/gibbon/decline/home.html ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire''] from the Christian Classics Ethereal Library. Formatted into chapters for easy web reading. * [http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/world/authrec?fk_authors=375 ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'']{{dead link}} author record at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]]. Based on the Rev. H.H. Milman edition of 1845. {{DEFAULTSORT:History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, The}} [[Category:Roman Empire]] [[Category:Histories]] 6d44ippuv8r2ox84mwz2sm600x3vjoe 3954252 3954249 2026-06-18T19:16:45Z Pmantyla 37604 Add quote from Chapter LXV: "To maintain the harmony ..." 3954252 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title|force=true}} '''''[[w:The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire|The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire]]''''' (Vol. 1, 1776; Vols. II-III, 1781; Vols. IV-VI, 1788) by [[Edward Gibbon]]. One of the most famous historical works written in any language and covering over 1000 years of history, from the end of the [[:w:Antoninus Pius|Antonine]] dynasty to the fall of [[:w:Constantinople|Constantinople]]. == Volume I == * [[:w:Trajan|Trajan]] was ambitious of fame; and as long as mankind shall continue to bestow more liberal applause on their destroyers than on their benefactors, the thirst of military glory will ever be the vice of the most exalted characters. ** Chapter I * The terror of the Roman arms added weight and dignity to the moderation of the emperors. They preserved peace by a constant preparation for war; and while justice regulated their conduct, they announced to the nations on their confines, that they were as little disposed to endure, as to offer an injury. ** Chapter I * Yet Phoenicia and Palestine will forever live in the memory of mankind; since America, as well as Europe, has received [[:w:alphabet|letters]] from the one, and religion from the other. ** Chapter I * That public virtue which among the ancients was denominated patriotism, is derived from a strong sense of our own interest in the preservation and prosperity of the free government of which we are members. Such a sentiment, which had rendered the legions of the republic almost invincible, could make but a very feeble impression on the mercenary servants of a despotic prince; and it became necessary to supply that defect by other motives, of a different, but not less forcible nature; honour and religion. ** Chapter I * The masters of the fairest and most wealthy climates of the globe turned with contempt from gloomy hills, assailed by the winter tempest, from lakes concealed in a blue mist, and from cold and lonely heaths, over which the deer of the forest were chased by a troop of naked barbarians. ** Chapter I * '''The various modes of worship, which prevailed in the Roman world, were all considered by the people, as equally true; by the philosopher, as equally false; and by the magistrate, as equally useful.''' ** Chapter II * But the zeal of fanaticism prevailed over the cold and feeble efforts of policy. ** Chapter II * We may be well assured, that a writer, conversant with the world, would never have ventured to expose the gods of his country to public ridicule, had they not already been the objects of secret contempt among the polished and enlightened orders of society. ** Chapter II * Under a democratical government, the citizens exercise the powers of sovereignty; and those powers will be first abused, and afterwards lost, if they are committed to an unwieldy multitude. From the foot of the Alps to the extremity of Calabria, all the natives of Italy were born citizens of Rome. Their partial distinctions were obliterated, and they insensibly coalesced into one great nation, united by language, manners, and civil institutions, and equal to the weight of a powerful empire. The republic gloried in her generous policy, and was frequently rewarded by the merit and services of her adopted sons. Had she always confined the distinction of Romans to the ancient families within the walls of the city, that immortal name would have been deprived of some of its noblest ornaments. ** Chapter II * Opinions of the Academics and [[:w:Epicureanism|Epicureans]] were of a less religious cast; but whilst the modest science of the former induced them to doubt, the positive ignorance of the latter urged them to deny, the providence of a Supreme Ruler. ** Chapter II * In Etruria, in Greece, and in Gaul, it was the first care of the senate to dissolve those dangerous confederacies, which taught mankind that, as the Roman arms prevailed by division, they might be resisted by union. Those princes, whom the ostentation of gratitude or generosity permitted for a while to hold a precarious sceptre, were dismissed from their thrones, as soon as they had performed their appointed task of fashioning to the yoke the vanquished nations. ** Chapter II * The situation of the Greeks was very different from that of the barbarians. The former had been long since civilized and corrupted. They had too much taste to relinquish their language, and too much vanity to adopt any foreign institutions. Still preserving the prejudices, after they had lost the virtues, of their ancestors, they affected to despise the unpolished manners of the Roman conquerors, whilst they were compelled to respect their superior wisdom and power. ** Chapter II * Without destroying the distinction of ranks, a distant prospect of freedom and honors was presented, even to those whom pride and prejudice almost disdained to number among the human species. ** Chapter II * The influence of the clergy, in an age of superstition, might be usefully employed to assert the rights of mankind; but so intimate is the connection between the throne and the altar, that the banner of the church has very seldom been seen on the side of the people. ** Chapter III * The two Antonines (for it is of them that we are now speaking) governed the Roman world forty-two years, with the same invariable spirit of wisdom and virtue. ... Their united reigns are possibly the only period of history in which the happiness of a great people was the sole object of government. * [[:w:Antoninus Pius|Antoninus]] diffused order and tranquillity over the greatest part of the earth. His reign is marked by the rare advantage of furnishing very few materials for history; which is, indeed, little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind. ** Chapter III This has often been truncated to : '''History...is indeed little more than the register of the crimes, follies, and misfortunes of mankind.''' * The principles of a free constitution are irrevocably lost, when the legislative power is nominated by the executive. ** Chapter III * But the power of instruction is seldom of much efficacy, except in those happy dispositions where it is almost superfluous. ** Chapter IV, part I ** In describing how [[w:Marcus Aurelius|Marcus Aurelius]] summoned men of virtue and learning to attempt to broaden the mind of his son [[w:Commodus|Commodus]]. * The most worthless of mankind are not afraid to condemn in others the same disorders which they allow in themselves; and can readily discover some nice difference of age, character, or station, to justify the partial distinction. ** Chapter VI * In every age and country, the wiser, or at least the stronger, of the two sexes, has usurped the powers of the state, and confined the other to the cares and pleasures of domestic life. ** Chapter VI * Metellus Numidicus, the censor, acknowledged to the Roman people in a public oration that had kind Nature allowed us to exist without the help of women, we should be delivered from a very troublesome companion; and he could recommend matrimony, only as the sacrifice of private pleasure to public duty. ** Chapter VI, part III, footnote 64 * Augustus was sensible that mankind is governed by names; nor was he deceived in his expectation, that the senate and people would submit to slavery, provided they were respectfully assured that they still enjoyed their ancient freedom. ** Chapter VII * Twenty-two acknowledged concubines, and a library of sixty-two thousand volumes, attested the variety of [[:w:Gordian II|his]] inclinations; and from the productions which he left behind him, it appears that the former as well as the latter were designed for use rather than for ostentation. ** Chapter VII * Although the progress of civilisation has undoubtedly contributed to assuage the fiercer passions of human nature, it seems to have been less favourable to the virtue of chastity, whose most dangerous enemy is the softness of the mind. The refinements of life corrupt while they polish the intercourse of the sexes. ** Chapter IX, part III * Rational confidence ... is the just result of knowledge and experience. ** Chapter X, part III * The voice of history .. is often little more than the organ of hatred or flattery. ** Chapter X, part IV * "You have lost," said Saturninus on the day of his elevation, "a useful commander, and you have made a very wretched emperor." ** Chapter X, part IV * Fear has been the original parent of superstition and every new calamity urges trembling mortals to deprecate the wrath of their invisible enemies. ** Chapter XI, part II * Such was the unhappy condition of the Roman emperors, that, whatever might be their conduct, their fate was commonly the same. A life of pleasure or virtue, of severity or mildness, of indolence or glory, alike led to an untimely grave; and almost every reign is closed by the same disgusting repetition of treason and murder. ** Chapter XII, part I * "Alas!" he [Saturninus] said, "the republic has lost a useful servant, and the rashness of an hour has destroyed the services of many years. You know not," continued he, "the misery of sovereign power: a sword is perpetually suspended over our head. We dread our very guards, we distrust our companions. The choice of action or of repose is no longer in our disposition, nor is there any age, or character, or conduct, that can protect us from the censure of envy. In thus exalting me to the throne, you have doomed me to a life of cares, and to an untimely fate. ** Chapter XII, part II * But whenever the offence inspires less horror than the punishment, the rigour of penal law is obliged to give way to the common feelings of mankind. ** Chapter XIV, part IV * It was no longer esteemed infamous for a Roman to survive his honour and independence. ** Chapter XIV, part IV * The desire of perfection became the ruling passion of their soul; and it is well known that, while reason embraces a cold mediocrity, our passions hurry us with rapid violence over the space which lies between the most opposite extremes. ** Chapter XV, part V * But the human character, however it may be exalted or depressed by a temporary enthusiasm, will return by degrees to its proper and natural level, and will resume those passions that seem the most adapted to its present condition. ** Chapter XV, part VI * "Unhappy men!" exclaimed the proconsul Antoninus to the Christians of Asia, "If you are thus weary of your lives, is it so difficult for you to find ropes and precipices?" ** Chapter XVI, part IV ** Zealous Christians apparently provoked the authorities in order to become martyrs == Volume II == * '''In the various states of society, armies are recruited from very different motives. Barbarians are urged by the love of war; the citizens of a free republic may be prompted by a principle of duty; the subjects, or at least the nobles, of a monarchy, are animated by a sentiment of honor; but the timid and luxurious inhabitants of a declining empire must be allured into the service by the hopes of profit, or compelled by the dread of punishment.''' ** Chapter XVII * The progress of despotism ... tends to disappoint its own purpose. ** Chapter XVII, part IV * The general peace which [Constantine] maintained during the last fourteen years of his reign, was a period of apparent splendour rather than of real prosperity; and the old age of Constantine was disgraced by the opposite yet reconcilable vices of rapaciousness and prodigality. ** Chapter XVIII * But the operation of the wisest laws is imperfect and precarious. They seldom inspire virtue, they cannot always restrain vice. ** Chapter XX, part I * Corruption, the most infallible symptom of constitutional liberty. ** Chapter XXI * Whenever the spirit of fanaticism, at once so credulous and so crafty, has insinuated itself into a noble mind, it insensibly corrodes the vital principles of virtue and veracity. ** Chapter XXII, part I * It is the common calamity of old age to lose whatever might have rendered it desirable. ** Chapter XXIV, part I * I die without remorse, as I have lived without guilt. ** Julian the Apostate ** Chapter XXIV, part IV * Flattery is a foolish suicide; she destroys herself with her own hands. ** Chapter XXV, part I, footnote 1 * the inquisition into the crime of magic, which, under the reign of the two brothers, was so rigorously prosecuted both at Rome and Antioch, was interpreted as the fatal symptom, either of the displeasure of Heaven, or the depravity of mankind. Let us not hesitate to indulge a liberal pride, that, in the present age, the enlightened part of Europe has abolished a cruel and odious prejudice, which reigned in every climate of the globe, and adhered to every system of religious opinion. The nations, the sects, of the roman world, admitted with equal credulity, and similar abhorrence, the reality of that infernal art, which was able to control the eternal order of the planets, and the voluntary operations of the human mind. They dreaded the mysterious power of spells and incantations, of potent herbs, and execrable rites; which could extinguish or recall life, inflame the passions of the soul, blast the works of creation, and extort from the reluctant demons the secrets of futurity. They believed, with the wildest inconsistency, that this preternatural dominion of the air, of earth, and of hell, was exercised, from the vilest motives of malice or gain, by some wrinkled hags and itinerate sorcerers, who passed their lives in penury and contempt. The arts of magic were equally condemned by the public opinion, and by the laws of Rome; but as they tended to gratify the most imperious passions of the heart of man, they were continually proscribed, and continually practiced. ** Chapter XXV * But the wisdom and authority of the legislator are seldom victorious in a contest with the vigilant dexterity of private interest. ** Chapter XXV, part III * A philosopher may deplore the eternal discord of the human race, but he will confess that the desire of spoil is a more rational provocation than the vanity of conquest. ** Chapter XXV, part V * He was released from the miseries of life. ** Chapter XXV, part VI * Ammianus is so eloquent that he writes nonsense. ** Chapter XXV, part VII, footnote 154 * The progress of manufactures and commerce insensibly collects a large multitude within the walls of a city; but these citizens are no longer soldiers, and the arts which adorn and improve the state of civil society corrupt the habits of the military life. ** Chapter XXVI, part I * Man has much more to fear from the passions of his fellow-creatures than from the convulsions of the elements. ** Chapter XXVI, part I * Resistance was fatal; flight was impracticable; and the patient submission of helpless innocence seldom found mercy from the barbarian conqueror. ** Chapter XXVI, part III * Feeble and timid minds ... consider the use of the dilatory and ambiguous measures as the most admirable efforts of consummate prudence. ** Chapter XXVI, part III * I reverence the field of battle, stained with their blood and the blood of the barbarians. Those honourable marks have been already washed away by the rains; but the lofty monuments of their bones, the bones of generals, of centurions, and of valiant warriors, claim a longer period of duration. ** Libanius ** Chapter XXVI, part IV * The urgent consideration of the public safety may undoubtedly authorise the violation of every positive law. How far that or any other consideration may operate to dissolve the natural obligations of humanity and justice, is a doctrine of which I still desire to remain ignorant. ** Chapter XXVI, part V == Volume III == * His profound veneration for the Christian clergy was rewarded by the applause and gratitude of a powerful order, which has claimed in every age the privilege of dispensing honours, both on earth and in heaven. ** Chapter XXVII, part I * Yet every physician is prone to exaggerate the inveterate nature of the disease which he has cured. ** Chapter XXVII, part II, footnote 26. ** In this case remarking on the works of [[w:Gregory Nazianzen|Gregory Nazianzen]]. * If the exercise of justice is the most important duty, the indulgence of mercy is the most exquisite pleasure of a sovereign. ** Theodosius ** Chapter XXVII, part IV * The son of Theodosius passed the slumber of his life, a captive in his palace, a stranger in his country, and the patient, almost the indifferent, spectator of the ruin of the Western empire, which was repeatedly attacked, and finally subverted, by the arms of the Barbarians. In the eventful history of a reign of twenty-eight years, it will seldom be necessary to mention the name of the emperor [[:w:Flavius Augustus Honorius|Honorius]]. ** Chapter XXIX * In populous cities, which are the seat of commerce and manufactures, the middle ranks of inhabitants, who derive their subsistence from the dexterity or labour of their hands, are commonly the most prolific, the most useful, and; in that sense, the most respectable part of the community. ** Chapter XXXI, part II * '''There exists in human nature a strong propensity to depreciate the advantages, and to magnify the evils, of the present time'''s. ** Chapter XXXI, part IV ** In this case recent injuries to Rome from the Goths compared to those from the Gauls in former times. ** Similar "Notwithstanding the propensity of mankind to exalt the past, and to depreciate the present," in volume I, chapter II, part IV. * The groans of the dying excited only the envy of their surviving friends. ** Mariana de Rebus Hispanicis ** Chapter XXXI, part VI * The inconstant, rebellious disposition of the people [of Armorica], was incompatible either with freedom or servitude. ** Chapter XXXI, part VI * But the desire of obtaining the advantages, and of escaping the burthens, of political society, is a perpetual and inexhaustible source of discord. ** Chapter XXXI, part VI * A military force was collected in Europe, formidable by their arms and numbers, if the generals had understood the science of command, and their soldiers the duty of obedience. ** Chapter XXXIV, part I * In the hands of a popular preacher, an earthquake is an engine of admirable effect. ** Chapter XXXIV, part I, footnote 22 (it's footnote 21 in other editions) * For what fortress, what city, in the wide extent of the Roman empire, can hope to exist, secure and impregnable, if it is our pleasure that it should be erased from the earth? ** Attila the Hun ** Chapter XXXIV, part II * It was the opinion of Marcian, that war should be avoided as long as it is possible to preserve a secure and honourable peace; but it was likewise his opinion that peace cannot be honourable or secure, if the sovereign betrays a pusillanimous aversion to war. ** Chapter XXXV, part I * The conflict was obstinate; the slaughter was mutual. ** Chapter XXXV, part I * Whole generations may be swept away by the madness of kings in the space of a single hour. ** Chapter XXXV, part II * I am ignorant, sir, of your motives or provocations; I only know that you have acted like a man who cuts off his right hand with his left. ** Unnamed Roman ** Chapter XXXV, part III * But the emperor of the West, the feeble and dissolute Valentinian, who had reached his thirty-fifth year without attaining the age of reason or courage, abused this apparent security to undermine the foundations of his own throne by the murder of the patrician Aetius. ** Chapter XXXV, part III * The Roman government appeared every day less formidable to its enemies, more odious and oppressive to its subjects. ** Chapter XXXV, part III * But the day of his inauguration was the last day of his happiness. ** Chapter XXXVI, part I * The successor of Avitus [Majorian] presents the welcome discovery of a great and heroic character, such as sometimes arise, in a degenerate age, to vindicate the honour of the human species. ** Chapter XXXVI, part II * History has scarcely deigned to notice his [Libius Severus's] birth, his elevation, his character, or his death. ** Chapter XXXVI, part III * The emperor was probably born in the province of Galatia, whose inhabitants, the Gallo-Grecians, were supposed to unite the vices of a savage and a corrupted people. ** Chapter XXXVI, part IV, footnote 103 * The revolution of ages may bring round the same calamities; but ages may revolve without producing a Tacitus to describe them. ** Chapter XXXVI, part IV, footnote 110 * He [Ennodius] adds weight to the narrative of Procopius, though we may doubt whether the devil actually contrived the siege of Pavia to distress the bishop and his flock. ** Chapter XXXVI, part V, footnote 119 * The Romans derided his [Marius's] indolence; they soon bewailed his activity. ** Chapter XXXVI, part V, footnote 130 * Severinus died in Noricum, A.D. 482. Six years afterwards his body, which scattered miracles as it passed, was transported by his disciples into Italy. ** Chapter XXXVI, part V, footnote 132 * They [the Ascetics] seriously renounced the business, and the pleasures, of the age; abjured the use of wine, of flesh, and of marriage; chastised their body, mortified their affections, and embraced a life of misery, as the price of eternal happiness. ** Chapter XXXVII, part I * The stories of Paul, Hilarion, and Malchus, by the same author [St. Jerom], are admirably told; and the only defect of these pleasing compositions is the want of truth and common sense. ** Chapter XXXVII, part I, footnote 17 * The peace of the Eastern church was invaded by a swarm of fanatics [monks], incapable of fear, or reason, or humanity; and the Imperial troops acknowledged, without shame, that they were much less apprehensive of an encounter with the fiercest barbarians. ** Chapter XXXVII, part I * Pleasure and guilt are synonymous terms in the language of the monks, and they had discovered, by experience, that rigid fasts and abstemious diet are the most effectual preservatives against the impure desires of the flesh. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * The monastic studies have tended, for the most part to darken, rather than to dispel, the cloud of superstition. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * I have somewhere heard or read the frank confession of a Benedictine abbot: "My vow of poverty has given me an hundred thousand crowns a year; my vow of obedience has raised me to the rank of a sovereign prince." I forget the consequences of his vow of chastity. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II, footnote 57 * Recluse fanatics have few ideas or sentiments to communicate. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * Industry must be faint and languid which is not excited by the sense of personal interest. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * Their [the monks'] credulity debased and vitiated the faculties of the mind: they corrupted the evidence of history; and superstition gradually extinguished the hostile light of philosophy and science. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * All the manly virtues were oppressed by the servile and pusillanimous reign of the monks. ** Chapter XXXVII, part II * The ferocious Germans [have] so often attempted, and who will always desire, to exchange the solitude of their woods and morasses for the wealth and fertility of Gaul. ** Tacitus ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * The fortune of nations has often depended on accidents. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * They [the Gauls] derided the hairy and gigantic savages of the North; their rustic manners, dissonant joy, voracious appetite, and their horrid appearance, equally disgusting to the sight and to the smell. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * The Gauls were endowed with all the advantages of art and nature, but, as they wanted courage to defend them, they were justly condemned to obey, and even to flatter, the victorious barbarians by whose clemency they held their precarious fortunes and their lives. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * If you truly profess the Christian religion, why do you not restrain the king of the Franks? He has declared war against me, and forms alliances with my enemies for my destruction. A sanguinary and covetous mind is not the symptom of a sincere conversion: let him show his faith by his works. ** Gundobald, King of the Bugundians ** Chapter XXXVIII, part I * Perhaps it would not be easy, within the same historical space, to find more vice and less virtue. We are continually shocked by the union of savage [Barbarian] and corrupt [Roman] manners. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part II, footnote 61 * A bloody and complete victory has sometimes yielded no more than the possession of the field; and the loss of ten thousand men has sometimes been sufficient to destroy, in a single day, the work of ages. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part II * The love of freedom, so often invigorated and disgraced by private ambition, was reduced among the licentious Franks to the contempt of order and the desire of impunity. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part IV * Every age, however destitute of science or virtue, sufficiently abounds with acts of blood and military renown. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part V * By the revolution of Britain the limits of science as well as of empire were contracted. The dark cloud which had been cleared by the Phoenician discoveries, and finally dispelled by the arms of Caesar, again settled on the shores of the Atlantic, and a Roman province was again lost among the fabulous islands of the Ocean. ** Chapter XXXVIII, part V * But the decline of Rome was the natural and inevitable effect of immoderate greatness. Prosperity ripened the principle of decay; the causes of destruction multiplied with the extent of conquest; and as soon as time or accident had removed the artificial supports, the stupendous fabric yielded to the pressure of its own weight. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Instead of inquiring why the Roman empire was destroyed, we should rather be surprised that it had subsisted so long. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Extreme distress, which unites the virtue of a free people, embitters the factions of a declining monarchy. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * The savage nations of the globe are the common enemies of civilised society; and we may inquire, with anxious curiosity, whether Europe is still threatened with a repetition of those calamities which formerly oppressed the arms and institutions of Rome. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Yet this apparent security should not tempt us to forget that new enemies and unknown dangers may possibly arise from some obscure people, scarcely visible in the map of the world. The Arabs or Saracens, who spread their conquests from India to Spain, had languished in poverty and contempt till Mahomet breathed into those savage bodies the soul of enthusiasm. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Europe is secure from any future irruption of barbarians; since, before they can conquer, they must cease to be barbarous. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * Yet the experience of four thousand years should enlarge our hopes and diminish our apprehensions: we cannot determine to what height the human species may aspire in their advance towards perfection; but it may safely be presumed that no people, unless the face of nature is changed, will relapse into their original barbarism. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West * We may therefore acquiesce in the pleasing conclusion that every age of the world has increased and still increases the real wealth, the happiness, the knowledge, and perhaps the virtue, of the human race. ** General Observations On The Fall Of The Roman Empire In The West == Volume IV == * Their [the Ostrogoths'] poverty was incurable; since the most liberal donatives were soon dissipated in wasteful luxury, and the most fertile estates became barren in their hands; they despised, but they envied, the laborious provincials; and when their subsistence had failed, the Ostrogoths embraced the familiar resources of war and rapine. ** Chapter XXXIX, part I * But if the royal ear was open to the voice of truth, a saint and a philosopher are not always to be found at the ear of kings. ** Chapter XXXIX, part III * Boethius might have been styled happy, if that precarious epithet could be safely applied before the last term of the life of man. ** Chapter XXXIX, part III * In these honourable contests his spirit soared above the consideration of danger, and perhaps of prudence. ** Chapter XXXIX, part III * A material difference may be observed in the games of antiquity: the most eminent of the Greeks were actors, the Romans were merely spectators. The Olympic stadium was open to wealth, merit, and ambition; and if the candidates could depend on their personal skill and activity, they might pursue the footsteps of Diomede and Menelaus, and conduct their own horses in the rapid career&hellip; But a [Roman] senator, or even a citizen, conscious of his dignity, would have blushed to expose his person or his horses in the circus of Rome. The games were established at the expense of the republic, the magistrates, or the emperors; but the reins were abandoned to servile hands; and if the profits of a favourite charioteer sometimes exceeded those of an advocate, they must be considered as the effects of popular extravagance, and the high wages of a disgraceful profession. ** Chapter XL ** contrasting active Greek and passive Roman sport * From this capital, this pestilence was diffused into the provinces and cities of the East, and the sportive distinction of two colours produced two strong and irreconcilable factions, which shook the foundations of a feeble government&hellip; Every law, either human or divine, was trampled under foot; and as long as the party was successful, its deluded followers appeared careless of private distress or public calamity. ** Chapter XL ** on the fighting between the Blue and Green factions of chariot race fans * It is the interest as well as duty of a sovereign to maintain the authority of the laws. ** Chapter XL, part II * For my own part, I adhere to the maxim of antiquity, that the throne is a glorious sepulchre. ** Theodora ** Chapter XL, part II * The enthusiast who entered the dome of St. Sophia might be tempted to suppose that it was the residence, or even the workmanship, of the Deity. Yet how dull is the artifice, how insignificant is the labour, if it be compared with the formation of the vilest insect that crawls upon the surface of the temple! ** Chapter XL, part IV * The Gothic arms were less fatal to the schools of Athens than the establishment of a new religion, whose ministers superseded the exercise of reason, resolved every question by an article of faith, and condemned the infidel or sceptic to eternal flames. ** Chapter XL, part V * I am not insensible of the benefits of elegant luxury; yet I reflect with some pain, that if [[:w:Silk#Secret|the importers of silk]] had introduced the art of printing, already practised by the Chinese, the comedies of Menander and the entire decads of Livy would have been perpetuated in the editions of the sixth century. ** Chapter XL * In the evening Belisarius led his infantry to the attack of the camp; and the pusillanimous flight of Gelimer exposed the vanity of his recent declarations, that to the vanquished, death was a relief, life a burden, and infamy the only object of terror. ** Chapter XLI, part II * So long as Heaven has condemned us to suffer, patience is a virtue; but if we reject the proffered deliverance, it degenerates into blind and stupid despair. ** Pharas ** Chapter XLI, part II * The vain and transitory scenes of human greatness are unworthy of a serious thought. ** Chapter XLI, part II * Flattery adheres to power, and envy to superior merit. ** Chapter XLI, part II * If it were not a melancholy truth, that the first and most cruel sufferings must be the lot of the innocent and helpless, history might exult in the misery of the conquerors, who, in the midst of riches, were left destitute of bread or wine, reduced to drink the waters of the Po, and to feed on the flesh of distempered cattle. ** Chapter XLI, part V * The spectator and historian of his [Belisarius's] exploits has observed, that amidst the perils of war, he was daring without rashness, prudent without fear, slow or rapid according to the exigencies of the moment; that in the deepest distress he was animated by real or apparent hope, but that he was modest and humble in the most prosperous fortune. ** Chapter XLI, part VI * The revenge of a guilty woman is implacable and bloody. ** Chapter XLI, part VI * Our estimate of personal merit, is relative to the common faculties of mankind. The aspiring efforts of genius, or virtue, either in active or speculative life, are measured, not so much by their real elevation, as by the height to which they ascend above the level of their age and country; and the same stature, which in a people of giants would pass unnoticed, must appear conspicuous in a race of pygmies. ** Chapter XLII, part I * It is impossible to reduce, or, at least, to hold a distant country against the wishes and efforts of its inhabitants. ** Chapter XLII, part III * If a Christian power had been maintained in Arabia, Mahomet must have been crushed in his cradle, and Abyssinia would have prevented a revolution which has changed the civil and religious state of the world. ** Chapter XLII, part III * That country [Carthage] was rapidly sinking into the state of barbarism from whence it had been raised by the Phoenician colonies and Roman laws; and every step of intestine discord was marked by some deplorable victory of savage man over civilized society. ** Chapter XLIII, part I * It was his [Totila's] constant theme, that national vice and ruin are inseparably connected; that victory is the fruit of moral as well as military virtue; and that the prince, and even the people, are responsible for the crimes which they neglect to punish. ** Chapter XLIII, part I * But the works of man are impotent against the assaults of nature. ** Chapter XLIII, part III * A Locrian, who proposed any new law, stood forth in the assembly of the people with a cord round his neck, and if the law was rejected, the innovator was instantly strangled. ** Chapter XLIV, part II * The Romans had aspired to be equal; they were levelled by the equality of servitude. ** Chapter XLIV, part II * A jurisdiction thus vague and arbitrary was exposed to the most dangerous abuse: the substance, as well as the form, of justice were often sacrificed to the prejudices of virtue, the bias of laudable affection, and the grosser seductions of interest or resentment. ** Chapter XLIV, part II * The science of the laws is the slow growth of time and experience. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * It is the first care of a reformer to prevent any future reformation. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * The law of nature instructs most animals to cherish and educate their infant progeny. The law of reason inculcates to the human species the returns of filial piety. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * Passion, interest, or caprice, suggested daily motives for the dissolution of marriage; a word, a sign, a message, a letter, the mandate of a freedman, declared the separation; the most tender of human connections was degraded to a transient society of profit or pleasure. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * A specious theory is confuted by this free and perfect experiment, which demonstrates, that the liberty of divorce does not contribute to happiness and virtue. The facility of separation would destroy all mutual confidence, and inflame every trifling dispute: the minute difference between a husband and a stranger, which might so easily be removed, might still more easily be forgotten; and the matron, who in five years can submit to the embraces of eight husbands, must cease to reverence the chastity of her own person. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * In the most rigorous [Roman] laws, a wife was condemned to support a gamester, a drunkard, or a libertine, unless he were guilty of homicide, poison, or sacrilege, in which cases the marriage, as it should seem, might have been dissolved by the hand of the executioner. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * The successor of Justinian yielded to the prayers of his unhappy subjects, and restored the liberty of divorce by mutual consent: the civilians were unanimous, the theologians were divided, and the ambiguous word, which contains the precept of Christ, is flexible to any interpretation that the wisdom of a legislator can demand. ** Chapter XLIV, part IV * Women were condemned to the perpetual tutelage of parents, husbands, or guardians; a sex created to please and obey was never supposed to have attained the age of reason and experience. Such, at least, was the stern and haughty spirit of the ancient law, which had been insensibly mollified before the time of Justinian. ** Chapter XLIV, part V * The active, insatiate principle of self-love can alone supply the arts of life and the wages of industry; and as soon as civil government and exclusive property have been introduced, they become necessary to the existence of the human race. ** Chapter XLIV, part V * A sentence of death and infamy was often founded on the slight and suspicious evidence of a child or a servant: the guilt of the green faction, of the rich, and of the enemies of Theodora, was presumed by the judges, and paederasty became the crime of those to whom no crime could be imputed. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * The criminal penalties [for suicide] are the production of a later and darker age. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII, footnote 206 * Yet the civilians have always respected the natural right of a citizen to dispose of his life. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * The discretion of the judge is the first engine of tyranny. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * But the government of Justinian united the evils of liberty and servitude; and the Romans were oppressed at the same time by the multiplicity of their laws and the arbitrary will of their master. ** Chapter XLIV, part VII * When a public quarrel is envenomed by private injuries, a blow that is not mortal or decisive can be productive only of a short truce, which allows the unsuccessful combatant to sharpen his arms for a new encounter. ** Chapter XLV, part I * The more stubborn [[:w:Lombards|Barbarians]] sacrificed a she-goat, or perhaps a captive, to the gods of their fathers... Gregory the Roman supposes that they likewise adored this she-goat. '''I know but of one religion in which the god and the victim are the same.''' ** Chapter XLV, part I, footnote 14 * A society in which marriage is encouraged and industry prevails soon repairs the accidental losses of pestilence and war. ** Chapter XLV, part III * The events by which the fate of nations is not materially changed, leave a faint impression on the page of history, and the patience of the reader would be exhausted by the repetition of the same hostilities, undertaken without cause, prosecuted without glory, and terminated without effect. ** Chapter XLVI, part I * A reformer should be exempt from the suspicion of interest, and he must possess the confidence and esteem of those whom he proposes to reclaim. ** Chapter XLVI, part II * But the pride of the Persian had not yet sunk to the level of his fortune. ** Chapter XLVI, part IV * According to the faith and mercy of his Christian enemies, he [Chosroes] sunk without hope into a still deeper abyss; and it will not be denied, that tyrants of every age and sect are the best entitled to such infernal abodes. ** Chapter XLVI, part IV * And the more formidable monks, whose minds were inaccessible to reason or mercy, besieged the doors of the cathedral. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * He [Justinian] piously labored to establish with fire and sword the unity of the Christian faith. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * The province which had been ruined by the bigotry of Justinian, was the same through which the Mahometans penetrated into the empire. ** Chapter XLVII, part III, footnote 90 * Language, the leading principle which unites or separates the tribes of mankind, soon discriminated the sectaries of the East, by a peculiar and perpetual badge, which abolished the means of intercourse and the hope of reconciliation. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * The long dominion of the Greeks, their colonies, and, above all, their eloquence, had propagated a language doubtless the most perfect that has been contrived by the art of man. ** Chapter XLVII, part III * The desire of gaining souls for God and subjects for the church, has excited in every age the diligence of the Christian priests. ** Chapter XLVII, part IV * Under the rod of oppression, the zeal of the Armenians is fervent and intrepid; they have often preferred the crown of martyrdom to the white turban of Mahomet. ** Chapter XLVII, part IV * In every deed of mischief [[:w:Andronicus I Comnenus|he]] had a heart to resolve, a head to contrive, and a hand to execute. ** Chapter XLVIII * During his government of twenty-five years, the penalty of death was abolished in the Roman empire, a law of mercy most delightful to the humane theorist, but of which the practice, in a large and vicious community, is seldom consistent with the public safety. ** Chapter XLVIII, part IV * Our sympathy is cold to the relation of distant misery. ** Chapter XLIX * In the field of controversy I always pity the moderate party, who stand on the open middle ground exposed to the fire of both sides. ** Chapter XLIX, part I, footnote 30 * Ignorant of the arts of luxury, the primitive Romans had improved the science of government and war. ** Chapter XLIX, part II * But their minds were not yet humbled to their condition; and instead of affecting the pacific virtues of the feeble, they peevishly harassed the Romans with a repetition of claims, evasions, and inroads, which they undertook without reflection, and terminated without glory. ** Chapter XLIX, part II * There is nothing perhaps more adverse to nature and reason than to hold in obedience remote countries and foreign nations, in opposition to their inclination and interest. ** Chapter XLIX, part VI * An extensive empire must be supported by a refined system of policy and oppression; in the centre, an absolute power, prompt in action and rich in resources; a swift and easy communication with the extreme parts; fortifications to check the first effort of rebellion; a regular administration to protect and punish; and a well-disciplined army to inspire fear, without provoking discontent and despair. ** Chapter XLIX, part VI == Volume V == * Mahomet, with the sword in one hand and the Koran in the other, erected his throne on the ruins of Christianity and of Rome. ** Chapter L, part I * In this primitive and abject state, which ill deserves the name of society, the human brute, without arts or laws, almost without sense or language, is poorly distinguished from the rest of the animal creation. ** Chapter L, part I * Our toil is lessened, and our wealth is increased, by our dominion over the useful animals. ** Chapter L, part I * The life of a wandering Arab is a life of danger and distress; and though sometimes, by rapine or exchange, he may appropriate the fruits of industry, a private citizen in Europe is in the possession of more solid and pleasing luxury than the proudest emir, who marches in the field at the head of ten thousand horse. ** Chapter L, part I * The noblest of [Arabs] united the love of arms with the profession of merchandise. ** Chapter L, part I * [Arabs are] a people, whom it is dangerous to provoke, and fruitless to attack. ** Chapter L, part I * But their [the Arabs'] friendship was venal, their faith inconstant, their enmity capricious: it was an easier task to excite than to disarm these roving barbarians; and, in the familiar intercourse of war, they learned to see, and to despise, the splendid weakness both of Rome and of Persia. ** Chapter L, part I * The separation of the Arabs from the rest of mankind has accustomed them to confound the ideas of stranger and enemy ** Chapter L, part II * The character of Hatem is the perfect model of Arabian virtue: he was brave and liberal, an eloquent poet, and a successful robber. ** Chapter L, part II * [Beauty is] an outward gift which is seldom despised, except by those to whom it has been refused. ** Chapter L, part III * The moral attributes of Jehovah may not easily be reconciled with the standard of human virtue. ** Chapter L, part III * Mahomet has not specified the male companions of the female elect, lest he should either alarm the jealousy of their former husbands, or disturb their felicity, by the suspicion of an everlasting marriage. ** Chapter L, part IV * They trusted to the intercession of their old allies of Medina; they could not be ignorant that fanaticism obliterates the feelings of humanity. ** Chapter L, part VI * Ye Christian dogs, you know your option; the Koran, the tribute, or the sword. We are a people whose delight is in war rather than in peace: and we despise your pitiful alms, since we shall be speedily masters of your wealth your families, and your persons. ** Chaled ** Chapter LI, part III * In a private condition, our desires are perpetually repressed by poverty and subordination; but the lives and labors of millions are devoted to the service of a despotic prince, whose laws are blindly obeyed, and whose wishes are instantly gratified. Our imagination is dazzled by the splendid picture; and whatever may be the cool dictates of reason, there are few among us who would obstinately refuse a trial of the comforts and the cares of royalty. It may therefore be of some use to borrow the experience of the same [[:w:Abd-ar-Rahman III|Abdalrahman]], whose magnificence has perhaps excited our admiration and envy, and to transcribe an authentic memorial which was found in the closet of the deceased caliph. 'I have now reigned above fifty years in victory or peace; beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to have been wanting to my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to Fourteen: - O man! place not thy confidence in this present world!' ... This confession, [[:w:Ecclesiastes#.22Vanity.22|the complaints of Solomon of the vanity of this world]]... and the happy ten days of the emperor Seghed... will be triumphantly quoted by the detractors of human life. Their expectations are commonly immoderate, their estimates are seldom impartial. If I may speak of myself, (the only person of whom I can speak with certainty), my happy hours have far exceeded, and far exceed, the scanty numbers of the caliph of Spain; and I shall not scruple to add, that many of them are due to the pleasing labor of the present composition. ** Chapter LII * But the nations of the East had been taught to trample on the [[:w:Caliph#The Abbasids of Baghdad|successors of the prophet]]; and the blessings of domestic peace were obtained by the relaxation of strength and discipline. So uniform are the mischiefs of military despotism, that I seem to repeat the [[:w:Praetorian_guard#Political Meddling|story of the praetorians of Rome]]. ** Chapter LII * The sublime science of astronomy ... elevates the mind of man to disdain his diminutive planet and momentary existence. ** Chapter LII, part III * Their rapacious spirit was approved and animated by the precepts of the Koran. ** Chapter LII, part IV * In the national and religious conflict of the two empires [Byzantine and Saracen], peace was without confidence, and war without mercy. ** Chapter LII, part IV * A victorious line of march had been prolonged above a thousand miles from the rock of Gibraltar to the banks of the Loire; the repetition of an equal space would have carried the Saracens to the confines of Poland and the Highlands of Scotland; the Rhine is not more impassable than the Nile or Euphrates, and the Arabian fleet might have sailed without a naval combat into the mouth of the Thames. '''Perhaps the interpretation of the Koran would now be taught in the schools of Oxford, and her pulpits might demonstrate to a circumcised people the sanctity and truth of the revelation of Mahomet.'''<br>From such calamities was Christendom delivered by the genius and fortune of one man. Charles, the illegitimate son of the elder Pepin, was content with the titles of mayor or duke of the Franks; but he deserved to become the father of a line of kings. [...]No sooner had he collected his forces, than he sought and found the enemy in the centre of France, between Tours and Poitiers. His well-conducted march was covered with a range of hills, and Abderame appears to have been surprised by his unexpected presence. The nations of Asia, Africa, and Europe, advanced with equal ardor to an encounter which would change the history of the world. In the six first days of desultory combat, the horsemen and archers of the East maintained their advantage: but in the closer onset of the seventh day, the Orientals were oppressed by the strength and stature of the Germans, who, with stout hearts and iron hands, asserted the civil and religious freedom of their posterity. The epithet of Martel, the Hammer, which has been added to the name of Charles, is expressive of his weighty and irresistible strokes: the valor of Eudes was excited by resentment and emulation; and their companions, in the eye of history, are the true Peers and Paladins of French chivalry. After a bloody field, in which Abderame was slain, the Saracens, in the close of the evening, retired to their camp. In the disorder and despair of the night, the various tribes of Yemen and Damascus, of Africa and Spain, were provoked to turn their arms against each other: the remains of their host were suddenly dissolved, and each emir consulted his safety by a hasty and separate retreat. At the dawn of the day, the stillness of a hostile camp was suspected by the victorious Christians: on the report of their spies, they ventured to explore the riches of the vacant tents; but if we except some celebrated relics, a small portion of the spoil was restored to the innocent and lawful owners. The joyful tidings were soon diffused over the Catholic world, and the monks of Italy could affirm and believe that three hundred and fifty, or three hundred and seventy-five, thousand of the Mahometans had been crushed by the hammer of Charles, while no more than fifteen hundred Christians were slain in the field of Tours. But this incredible tale is sufficiently disproved by the caution of the French general, who apprehended the snares and accidents of a pursuit, and dismissed his German allies to their native forests.<br>The inactivity of a conqueror betrays the loss of strength and blood, and the most cruel execution is inflicted, not in the ranks of battle, but on the backs of a flying enemy. Yet the victory of the Franks was complete and final; Aquitain was recovered by the arms of Eudes; the Arabs never resumed the conquest of Gaul, and they were soon driven beyond the Pyrenees by Charles Martel and his valiant race. ** Chapter LII * '''In the profession of Christianity, the variety of national characters may be clearly distinguished'''. The natives of Syria and Egypt abandoned their lives to lazy and contemplative devotion; Rome again aspired to the dominion of the world; and the wit of the lively and loquacious Greeks was consumed in the disputes of metaphysical theology. ** Chapter LIV, part I * Of human life, the most glorious or humble prospects are alike and soon bounded by the sepulchre. ** Chapter LVI, part IV * From the paths of blood (and such is the history of nations) I cannot refuse to turn aside to gather some flowers of science or virtue. ** Chapter LVII, part I * He possessed that vehemence of speech, which seldom fails to impart the persuasion of the soul. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * But a law, however venerable be the sanction, cannot suddenly transform the temper of the times. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * So familiar, and as it were so natural to man, is the practice of violence, that our indulgence allows the slightest provocation, the most disputable right, as a sufficient ground of national hostility. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * A latent motive of affection or vanity might influence [[:w:Council of Clermont|the choice]] of [[:w:Pope Urban II|Urban]]: he was himself a native of France, a monk of Clugny, and the first of his countrymen who ascended the throne of St. Peter. The pope had illustrated his family and province; nor is there perhaps a more exquisite gratification than to revisit, in a conspicuous dignity, the humble and laborious scenes of our youth. ** Chapter LVIII, part I * The soil is fruitful, and intersected with rivers; but it was then covered with morasses and forests, which spread to a boundless extent, whenever man has ceased to exercise his dominion over the earth. ** Chapter LVIII, part II == Volume VI == * The sentiment of fear is nearly allied to that of hatred. ** Chapter LIX, part I * The successors of St. Peter appear to have followed, rather than guided, the impulse of manners and prejudice; without much foresight of the seasons, or cultivation of the soil, they gathered the ripe and spontaneous fruits of the superstition of the times. ** Chapter LIX, part III * Of this hostile temper, a large portion may doubtless be ascribed to the difference of language, dress, and manners, which severs and alienates the nations of the globe. ** Chapter LX, part I * A thousand quarrels must arise under a law, and among men, whose sole umpire was the sword. ** Chapter LXI, part I * From these [[:w:Morea|Latin princes of the xivth century]], Boccace, Chaucer, and Shakspeare, have borrowed [[:w:A Midsummer Night's Dream|their Theseus duke of Athens]]. An ignorant age transfers its own language and manners to the most distant times. ** Chapter LXII * Assassination is the last resource of cowards. ** Chapter LXII, part III * In the year 1238, the inhabitants of Gothia (Sweden) and Frise were prevented, by their fear of the Tartars, from sending, as usual, their ships to the herring fishery on the coast of England; and as there was no exportation, forty or fifty of these fish were sold for a shilling... It is whimsical enough, that the orders of a [[:w:Ögedei Khan|Mogul khan]], who reigned on the borders of China, should have lowered the price of herrings in the English market. ** Chapter LXIV * Both Moscow and Kiow, the modern and the ancient capitals, were reduced to ashes; a temporary ruin, less fatal than the deep, and perhaps indelible, mark, which a servitude of two hundred years has imprinted on the character of the Russians. ** Chapter LXIV, part II * By the Venetians, the use of [[:w:black powder|gunpowder]] was communicated without reproach to the sultans of Egypt and Persia, their allies against the Ottoman power; the secret was soon propagated to the extremities of Asia; and the advantage of the European was confined to his easy victories over the savages of the new world. '''If we contrast the rapid progress of this mischievous discovery with the slow and laborious advances of reason, science, and the arts of peace, a philosopher, according to his temper, will laugh or weep at the folly of mankind'''. ** Chapter LXV * But no sooner had [[:w:Timur|he]] introduced himself into the city, under color of a truce, than he perfidiously violated the treaty... and animated his troops to chastise the posterity of those Syrians who had executed, or approved, the murder of the [[:w:Husayn bin Ali|grandson of Mahomet]]. A family which had given honorable burial to the head of Hosein, and a colony of artificers, whom he sent to labor at Samarcand, were alone reserved in the general massacre, and after a period of seven centuries, Damascus was reduced to ashes, because a Tartar was moved by religious zeal to avenge the blood of an Arab. ** Chapter LXV * Since the reign of [[:w:Aurangzeb|Aurungzebe]], [[:w:Mughal Empire|their empire]] had been dissolved; their treasures of Delhi have been rifled by a [[:w:Nadir Shah|Persian robber]]; and the richest of their kingdoms is now possessed by a [[:w:British East India Company|company of Christian merchants]], of a remote island in the Northern Ocean. ** Chapter LXV * To maintain the harmony of authority and obedience, to chastise the proud, to protect the weak, to reward the deserving, to banish vice and idleness from his dominions, to secure the traveller and merchant, to restrain the depredations of the soldier, to cherish the labours of the husbandman, to encourage industry and learning, and, by an equal and moderate assessment, to increase the revenue, without increasing the taxes, are indeed the duties of a prince. ** Chapter LXV, part III * The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ** Chapter LXVIII * [[:w:Gennadius Scholarius|His]] defence, at Florence, of the same union, which he so furiously attacked at Constantinople, has tempted Leo Allatius... to divide him into two men; but Renaudot... has restored the identity of his person and the duplicity of his character. ** Chapter LXVIII * 'When [[:w:Geoffrey of Anjou|he was master of Normandy]], the chapter of Seez presumed, without his consent, to proceed to the election of a bishop' upon which he ordered all of them, with the bishop elect, to be castrated, and made all their testicles be brought him in a platter.' Of the pain and danger they might justly complain; yet since they had vowed chastity he deprived them of a superfluous treasure. ** Chapter LXIX * Vicissitudes of fortune, which spares neither man nor the proudest of his works, which buries empires and cities in a common grave. ** Chapter LXXI * In the preceding volumes of this History, I have described the triumph of barbarism and religion. ** Chapter LXXI * All that is human must retrograde if it does not advance. ** Chapter LXXI == About == * "Another damned fat book, Mr. Gibbon? Scribble, scribble, scribble, eh Mr. Gibbon?" ** variously attributed to King George III or Henry, Duke of Gloucester, upon receiving a volume of Gibbon's book. * I set out upon...Gibbon's ''Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'' [and] was immediately dominated both by the story and the style....I devoured Gibbon. I rode triumphantly through it from end to end and enjoyed it all. ** [[Winston Churchill]], ''My Early Life: A Roving Commission'' (New York: Charles Scribner's Sons, 1958) ,also quoted in "Winston Churchill: Sketch for a Portrait" in [[w:George Lichtheim|George Lichtheim]],''Thoughts Among the Ruins: Collected essays on Europe and beyond''. (Transaction Publishers, 1973) == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.ccel.org/g/gibbon/decline/home.html ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire''] from the Christian Classics Ethereal Library. Formatted into chapters for easy web reading. * [http://www.gutenberg.org/catalog/world/authrec?fk_authors=375 ''The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire'']{{dead link}} author record at [[w:Project Gutenberg|Project Gutenberg]]. Based on the Rev. H.H. Milman edition of 1845. {{DEFAULTSORT:History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, The}} [[Category:Roman Empire]] [[Category:Histories]] bg91pbxqht5s2dxcrw5l9y7wb6fxmim 0 12522 3954231 3953440 2026-06-18T17:44:01Z ~2026-19144-48 3305849 /* Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream */ 3954231 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} {{italic title}} [[File:Madagascar logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 animated film]] about four [[w:Central Park Zoo|Central Park Zoo]] animals who have spent their lives in blissful captivity and are unexpectedly shipped back to Africa, becoming shipwrecked on the island of [[w:Madagascar|Madagascar]]. It was followed by ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' and ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'', as well as a spin-off focused on the penguins, ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]]. Written by [[w:Mark Burton (writer)|Mark Burton]], [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]], Eric Darnell, and Tom McGrath.'' {{center|'''Someone's got a zoo loose.'''<small>[[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} ==Dialogue== ===Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream=== :''[In the beginning, the island of Madagascar appears in a daydream. A zebra yells like Tarzan and jumps out the vine after swinging it. The choir penguins in their black bowties singing [[Born Free]] by John Barry and they fly. He runs and jumps to the water in slow motion. A lion appears, sneaking towards the zebra as almost in the middle of a dream, he jumps up snapping him out of his dream, and the music stops.]'' :''[first lines]'' :'''Alex''': Surprise! :'''Marty''': ''[screams, falls from treadmill and crashes into a fence]'' Alex! Do not interrupt me when I'm daydreaming! When a zebra's in the zone, leave him alone. :'''Alex''': Come on, Marty. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, man. Thanks! :'''Alex''': ''[expresses pain on the right side of his jaw]'' Oh! Ah! Oh! Hey, um... I got s – I got something stuck in my teeth. It's driving me crazy! Can you help me out here? Please? :'''Marty''': Ah! You came to the right place, my friend. Doctor Marty, D.D.S., is in the house! Please hop on top of my sterilized examination table, if you may. ''[Alex opens the mouth, but can't see anything, because it's dark]'' I don't see anything. :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' It's on the left. :'''Marty''': Ow! :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' Oh, sorry. :'''Marty''': OK, just don't talk with your mouth full. ''[Alex nods]'' Aha! Right here. What the heck is this doing in there? :'''Alex''': Happy birthday! :'''Marty''': Aww! Hey, thanks, man! You put it in behind the tooth. You all right. :'''Alex''': These aren't even on the shelf yet. Here! Check it out. Check it out! Look at that. Ooh! Look at that! Ooh! :'''Marty''': Look at that. It's snowing. :'''Alex''': 10 years old, huh? A decade. Double digits. The big 1-O! You don't like it? :'''Marty''': No, no, it's great! :'''Alex''': You hate it. Ugh! I should've gotten you the Alex alarm clock. That's the one. That's the big seller. :'''Marty''': No, no! No. The present's great, really. It's just that another year's come and gone, and I'm still doing the same old thing. ''[imitating]'' "Stand over here, trot over there. Eat some grass. Walk back over here." :'''Alex''': I see your problem. :'''Marty''': Maybe I should go to law school. :'''Alex''': You just need to break out of that boring routine. :'''Marty''': How? :'''Alex''': Throw out the old act. Get out there! Who knows what you're gonna do? Make it up as you go along. Ad lib, improvise, on the fly. Boom, boom, boom! :'''Marty''': Really? :'''Alex''': You know, make it fresh. :'''Marty''': Fresh, huh? OK. I could do fresh. :'''Alex''': Works for me. :''[Earth, Wind and Fire's Boogie Wonderland plays as the statue monkeys ring the bell at the front of the zoo ring at the zoo's opening hour. The People are coming! Alex bursts with excitement about them.]'' :'''Alex''': Here come the people, Marty! Oh, I love the people! It's fun people fun time! Whoo! ''[Hops into Gloria the Hippo's habitat and tap dances on her butt]'' Let's go, Gloria! Up and at 'em! We're open! :'''Gloria''': ''[yawning]'' What day is it? :'''Alex''': It's Friday! Field trip day! Dadadadada! Boom! Let’s go! Come on! :'''Gloria''': Yes, it's field trip day. Let's get up and go... ''[falls asleep again]'' in 10 more minutes. :''[ricocheting off a lamppost, Alex arrives at the roof of Melman's pen. Melman is a timid giraffe with constant health problems, or so he thinks]'' :'''Alex''': Come on! ''[sings in Conga style]'' Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous morning in the Big Apple. Let's go! :'''Melman''': ''[scoffs]'' Not for me. I'm calling in sick. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Melman''': I found a brow-- Another brown spot on my shoulder. Right here. See? Right th-- Right there. You see? :'''Alex''': Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kids and adults burst through the zoo gates eager to view the animals and Alex.]'' :'''Kid''': Let's go! Come on! :''[As rushed parents threw away their coffee cups in the trash, Mason the chimp yawns, retrieves a newspaper, a half-empty coffee cup, and a bagel and returns to his roommate Phil, a mute chimp who doesn't speak.]'' :'''Mason''': Phil! Wake up, you filthy monkey. ''[Mason gives Phil his coffee while he reads the newspaper and eats his bagel. Meanwhile, Marty prepares to give his audience something special for his birthday.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Oh, I'm going to be fresh. Straight out the ground. Tasty fresh! Freshalicious. ''[sips some water and spits it out]'' [[wikipedia:Ziploc|Ziploc]] fresh. :''[an eager crowd awaits outside Alex's rock as they wait for their king to emerge]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, the Central Park Zoo proudly presents... :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[backstage Alex prepares himself for another day of people pleasing]'' :'''Alex''': Oh! Show them the cat! Who's the cat? Whoo! :'''Announcer''': ...the King of New York City. :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': It's showtime! ''[simultaneously as Alex emerges and turns on the fan blowing his mane]'' :''[Alex emerges on his rock and lets out his signature roar.]'' :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[Crowds go wild! This is what he lived for! The cameraman takes pictures of him. Meanwhile, folks gather around Marty's pen to see his act.]'' :'''Marty''': Gather around, people. Big show about to start. Check out the zebra taking care of biz. That's right. :''[sucking up some water, Marty performs impossibly impressive water tricks with his mouth then sprays at 3 adults.]'' :'''Children''': Yay!!!!! :''[This amazes the kids and attracts photographers to take pictures of him. A series of pictures show Gloria swimming tricks and Melman's MRI and medication treatments.]'' ===Scene 2: The Penguins=== :''[On another side of the zoo, the four penguin brothers who are also agents, Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private are plotting something of their mission...]'' :'''Skipper''': Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Kowalski, progress report! :''[Kowalski, the brains of the group, emerges from a hole dug out previously by the penguins]'' :'''Kowalski''': We're only 500 feet from the main sewer line. :'''Skipper''': And the bad news? :'''Kowalski''': We've broken our last shovel. ''[shows a broken spoon]'' :'''Skipper''': Right... ''[turns to his weapon specialist Rico]'' Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need shovels, and find more Popsicle sticks. We don't want to risk another cave-in. ''[Rico jumps in the pool]'' :''[Private, the youngest of the group, perks up]'' :'''Private''': And me, Skipper? :'''Skipper''': I want you to look cute and cuddly, Private. Today we're gonna blow this dump. :'''Woman''': Come here. Come here. Come on, penguin. :''[Rico snatches a plastic spoon from a boy eating his frozen yogurt. Marty, meanwhile at sunset, impresses his last fans by making fart noises with his arm pits.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:City of stone - Flickr - Stiller Beobachter.jpg|thumb|"What continent is this?" <br> "[[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]".]] [[File:Bronx Zoo Little Blue Penguin Habitat.jpg|thumb|Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].]] :'''Marty''': Yeah! You don't see that on Animal Planet! Ha-ha. ''[mesmerized kids are hauled away by disgusted and confused parents]'' Well, show's over, folks. Thanks for coming. I hope you thought it was FRESH! I'll be here all week. In fact, I'll be here for my whole life. 365 days a year, including Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, Kwanzaa. Please don't forget to never spay or neuter your pets. ''[throws; after sips on his beverage]'' And tip your cabbie, because he's broke. :''[A quartet of penguins dig up to the section of a zebra named Marty. One penguin, seemingly the leader, talks to him]'' :'''Skipper''': You, quadruped! ''[In German]'' Sprechen sie Englisch? :'''Marty''': I sprechen. :'''Skipper''': What continent is this? :'''Marty''': [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]. :'''Skipper''': Hoover Dam! We're still in New York. ''[the penguins down the hole]'' Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive! :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! You in the tux! Wait a minute! ''[the penguins up the hole]'' What are you guys doing? :'''Private''': We're digging to Antarctica. ''[Skipper slaps him]'' :'''Marty''': Ant-''who''-tica? :'''Skipper''': Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend? ''[Marty looks around before nodding]'' Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? ''[Marty shakes his head "no"]'' Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]]. To the wild! ''[the four high five each other as Skipper slaps Private again.]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? You could actually go there? That sounds great. ''[before he can thank them, the four have already gone down the hole]'' Hey, hold up! Where is this place?! ''[Muffled]'' Tell me where it is! ''[Skipper alone emerges from the hole pushing his face]'' :'''Skipper''': You didn't see anything... Right? :'''Marty''': Yes, sir! Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. No, sir. ''[Skipper dives back into the hole and seals the hole entrance with Marty's cup]'' :'''Announcer''': For his final appearance of the day, the king of New York City. Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[And the bells are ringing, because it's time to go home and close the Zoo.]'' :'''Alex''': Thank you. Thank you very much. You guys are great. You're a great crowd. Give yourselves a hand, huh? Thank you. ''[underpants flies in his face]'' Oh. Thank you. Oh! Well. Thank you. Oh, that's too kind. Too kind. ''[sling shoots the I Heart (Love) NY undies by accident, which land on Melman's nose]'' :'''Melman''': Ah! Underpants!!! :'''Alex''': ''[humans leave the zoo]'' Everybody get home safe. Hey! Check out my Website. 24 hour Alex Cam. Watch me sleep. ===Scene 3: Marty's 10th birthday begins=== [[File:Busy Grand Central Station in the Afternoon.jpg|thumb|Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north?]] :''[Dusk hits the zoo while closing, and the staff roams the zoo with a band of chefs and groomers to relax the exhausted animals of their hard work. Marty gets his hooves polished like shoes and receives a fresh patch of green grass from the chef as a birthday meal.]'' :'''Gloria''': This is the life. ''[Gloria receives a wide variety of fruit for her meal while drying in a big towel and polish nails for a massage.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[Melman is still getting medical treatment]'' That's the spot. ''[a chef reveals a tray full of medications and vitamins to make him feel better]'' Oh! I'm in heaven. :''[Alex seems to get the most treatment out of all the animals and receives mane grooming, nail trimming, and a full pack of steak meal which he devours in a number of seconds leaving a bone. And later that night, the four friends gather through a small party to celebrate Marty's 10th birthday]'' :'''Gloria''': Ooh, it's Marty's birthday! :'''Alex''': Just rip it open. Come on! :'''Marty''': What is it? What is it? :'''Gloria''': Come on. Open it up. What you get? What you get? What you get? :'''Marty''': Yeah! A thermometer. Thanks. I love it, Melman. I love it. ''[puts it in his mouth with style]'' :'''Melman''': Yeah, I wanted to give you something personal. You know, that was my first rectal thermometer. :'''Marty''': Mother–! ''[Marty proceeds to gag at the thought and spits out the thermometer while licking his tongue]'' :'''Melman''': I'm gonna miss that bad boy. :'''Alex''': Okay. Get the cake. Melman, come on. ''[Melman blows the party noisemaker]'' :'''Everyone but Marty''': ''[humming, in barber shop quartet-style]'' :'''Alex''': Happy :'''Gloria''': birth- :'''Melman''': day :'''Alex''': to :'''Gloria''': you. :'''Alex''': You :'''Melman''': live :'''Gloria''': in :'''Alex''': a zoo. :'''Gloria''': You :'''Melman''': look :'''Alex''': like a :'''Melman''': mon- :'''Alex''': key. :'''Melman''': ''[holds long note]'' Aaaaand :'''Alex''': you smell :'''Gloria''': like   :'''Melman''': one :'''Everyone''': too! ''[laughs]'' :'''Mason''': ''[He spits holding tea cup]'' I say! ''[Phil smells his armpits and faints]'' :'''Marty''': Aw, well, now, you guys are just embarrassing me. And yourselves. :'''Alex''': What are you talking about? We worked on that all week. :'''Gloria''': Let's go. Let's make a wish, baby-cakes. ''[Marty blows out the candle shaped like a 10 then takes a delicious bite of the cake]'' :'''Alex''': Come on. What'd you wish for? :'''Marty''': Nope. Can't tell you that. :'''Alex''': Come on. Tell. :'''Marty''': No, siree. I'm telling you, it's bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out. But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut. :'''Gloria''': Oh, for crying out loud, Marty. Would you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen? :'''Marty''': OK. I wished... I could go... <big>'''''to the wild!'''''</big> :'''Alex''': The wild?! ''Whoa!! [falls over]'' :''[Melman swallows the noisemaker and chokes, Gloria shocks, Alex thuds and drops his steak]'' :'''Marty''': I told you it was bad luck. :''[Then Gloria tries to get the noisemaker out of Melman's throat]'' :'''Alex''': The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I've ever heard. :'''Melman''': ''[coughs]'' It's unsanitary. :'''Marty''': The penguins are going. So why can't I? :'''Alex''': The penguins are psychotic. :'''Marty''': Come on. Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide open spaces! :'''Gloria''': Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut. :'''Marty''': Connecticut? :'''Melman''': Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north? :'''Marty''': So one could take the train? Just hypothetically. :'''Alex''': Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us? :'''Melman''': Lyme disease. :'''Alex''': Thank you, Melman. :'''Marty''': No, no, really! Really, I just want... :'''Alex''': This is a highly refined type of food thing that you do not find in the wild. :'''Marty''': You ever thought there might be more to life than steak, Alex? :'''Alex''': ''[stares at his steak]'' He didn't mean that, baby. No-no-no. :'''Marty''': Doesn't it bother you guys that you don't know anything about life outside this zoo? :'''Melman''': Nuh-uh. Nope. :'''Gloria''': Mm-mm. :'''Alex''': Well, I mean, come on. That's just one subject. You got a little, uh, schmutz right there on your... ''[eats his steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[Sighs and uses a napkin to clean his mouth]'' Thanks, guys. Thanks for the party. It was great. Really. ''[Alex spits a bone and drops it as Marty uses the treadmill]'' :'''Melman''': What's eating him? :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Maybe you should talk to him, Alex. You know, go over there and give him a little pep talk. :'''Alex''': Hey, I already gave him a snow globe. I can't top that. :'''Gloria''': ''[sighs]'' Alex… :'''Melman''': I can see where this is going. ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Come on. He's your best friend. :'''Alex''': All right, all right. OK. :'''Gloria''': Night, Marty. :'''Marty''': Night, Glo. :''[Gloria backflips into her pool. Alex takes out an umbrella to avoid the chlorine]'' ===Scene 4: The Talk of the Wild/Marty's Gone=== [[File:Task Force Guardian - Flickr - The National Guard (1).jpg|thumb|"Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild."<br>"Helicopter."]] :'''Alex''': Ahhh… what a day. I mean, just really, really I mean I tell you, it just doesn't get any better than this, you know? ''[short pause, Alex sees a star]'' Ooh! It just did. Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild. :'''Marty''': Helicopter. ''[A star, which turns out to be a helicopter, flies away.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. Buddy. Listen. Everybody has days when they think the grass might be greener somewhere else. :'''Marty''': Alex. Look at me. I'm 10 years old. My life is half over. And I don't even know if I'm black with white stripes... or white with black stripes. :'''Alex''': Marty. I'm thinking of a song. :'''Marty''': Alex. Please. Not now. :'''Alex''': Oh, yes. It's a wonderful song. I think you're familiar with it. ♪ Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da! ♪ :'''Marty''': Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no. I'm not listening! Lalalalalalalalalalala! :'''Alex''': ♪ Start spreadin' the news ♪ :'''Marty''': I don't know you! :'''Alex''': ♪ I'm leaving today! We are a great big part of it ♪ :'''Marty''': ''[laughs]'' He's funny. Who is that? :'''Alex''': Come on. You know you know the words. Two little words. :'''Marty''': New York. :'''Both''': ♪ New York! ♪ :'''Bird''': Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Hey, I'm sleeping here! We're not all nocturnal, you know!! :'''Marty''': Hey, I'll knock your "turnal" right off, pal. :'''Snake''': Yeah, you and what army, stripes? :'''Alex''': You mess with him, you mess with me, Howard! :'''Marty''': Ah ha ha ha! :'''Unknown Animal''': You're a bigmouth lion! :'''Alex''': See? Mr. Grumpy Stripes! We make a great team, the two of us. :'''Marty''': We sure do. No doubt about it. :'''Alex''': So, what are you going to do? Just go running off to the wild by yourself? :'''Marty''': No. :'''Alex''': Good. :'''Marty''': You and me. Let's go. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Marty''': The wild. Come on. You and me together. It's a straight shot down Fifth Avenue to Grand Central. We'll grab a train, we'll head north. We can be back by morning. No one will ever know. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' You're joking. Right? :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. I'm joking. Of course I'm joking. Give me a break. Like we're going to get a train. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh. ''[sighs]'' Don't do that. You really had me worried there. :'''Marty''': ''[yawning]'' Oh, well. I guess I'll hit the sack. :'''Alex''': Yeah, me too. I'll need to rest my voice for tomorrow. It's Seniors' Day, you know. Have to roar extra loud. Give them a little jolt! You know what I’m talking about? :'''Marty''': Good night, Ally Al. :'''Alex''': ''[sighs and claps twice to turn on the red light and hears a bird]'' Oh. They forgot to turn off the ambiance again! :'''Marty''': Don't worry. It's cool. You know, I got it. ''[kicks the speaker, shooing the bird away as it now turns to the sounds of the Police]'' :'''Alex''': Ah. Much better. ''[2 hours later; sleep talking]'' Come on now, baby. My little filet. My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy. :'''Melman''': Alex. Alex. Alex? Alex. Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What? :'''Melman''': You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': ''[sighs]'' What is it, Melman? :'''Melman''': Okay, okay. ''[sighs]'' You know how I have that bladder infection and I have to get up every two hours? Well, I got up to pee, um, and I looked over at Marty's pen, which, you know, I usually don't do. I don't know why, but I did. And this time I looked over and... :'''Alex''': What, Melman? What's going on? :'''Melman''': It's Marty. He's gone. :'''Alex''': Gone?! ''[hits his head]'' Agh! What do you mean "gone"?! :'''Melman''': How long has he been working on this?! ''[looks into the hole the penguins dug]'' Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': ''[enters for the scene]'' He wouldn't fit down there. :'''Alex''': ''[tries to look for Marty in the haystacks, noticing that he isn't there]'' Marty? Marty?! Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': This doesn't make any sense. Where would he go? :'''Alex''': ''[horrified; after short pause] CONNECTICUT!!'' :'''Gloria''': He wouldn't. :'''Melman''': Oh, no! What are we going to do? We gotta-- we gotta-- I mean, we gotta-- we gotta-- we gotta call somebody! :'''Alex''': ''[Gasps as he runs to a payphone and dials 911]'' Hello?! Get me Missing Animals!! And hurry! We've got a lost zebra probably on the way to Connecticut by now, and we're gonna need...!! :''[Cut to 911 dispatch office; the operator only hears Alex roaring on speaker.]'' :'''911 Operator''': ''[takes off headset in confusion]'' Hello? ''[cut to zoo; on speaker]'' Hello? :'''Alex''': ''[notices a mistake]'' Wait a second. We can't call the people. :'''911 Operator''': What the…?! :'''Alex''': ''[hangs up, then nervously looks at the phone booth for a second before ripping it out, and throws it on the ground]'' They'll be really mad! It'll get Marty transferred for good. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. :'''Gloria''': Mm-hmm. I know that's right. :'''Alex''': We got to go after him. :'''Melman''': Go after him? :'''Alex''': He's not thinking straight. We got to stop him from making for the biggest mistake of his life. He's probably out there lost and cold, confused. ''[sighs; sadly]'' Poor little guy. ===Scene 5: Marty in New York=== :''[The Bee Gees's Stayin’ Alive is playing while Marty walks through New York. Cut to Melman, Alex, and Gloria have just escaped the zoo. Melman helps Alex to hang his neck and Alex falls down to land. Gloria bashes the outside wall from the zoo.]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, come on! :'''Melman''': You know, maybe one of us should wait here in case he comes back. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no. Not now. This is an intervention, Melman. We all got to go. :'''Alex''': What's the fastest way to Grand Central?! :'''Melman''': Ooh! You should take Lexington. :'''Gloria''': Melman!! :'''Melman''': Okay. "''We''". We should take Lexington. :'''Alex''': What about Park? :'''Melman''': No, Park goes 2 ways. You can't time the lights. :'''Mason''': ''[Mason and Phil have just escaped the zoo]'' I heard [[w:Tom Wolfe|Tom Wolfe]]'s speaking at Lincoln Center. ''[Phil signs frantically]'' Well, of course we're going to throw poo at him. :''[Marty does ice skating then falls. Cut to Alex, Gloria, and Melman at the Subway train station]'' :'''Alex''': I knew we should've taken Park. Are you sure this is the fastest way to Grand Central Station? :'''Gloria''': I don't know! That's what Melman said! :'''Melman''': Hey. Hey, you, guys. That room has some nifty little sinks you can wash up in and look! ''[sticks out his tongue with a urinal cake on it]'' Free mints! :'''Alex''': This isn't a field trip, Melman! This is an urgent mission to save Marty from throwing his life away! Now, where's the train? :'''Melman''': Ah. Here it comes. ''[He hears the train and looks to the other side, screaming he tumbles backwards as the train's horn blares before it hits him!]'' :'''Gloria''': What did Marty say to you?! I asked you to talk to him! :'''Alex''': I did! I did! ''[Melman puts the urinal cake back in his mouth]'' I don't understand! He said, "Let's go!" And I said, "What are you, crazy?" And he says, "I'm ten years old!" And he is black with white stripes, and so then we sang and… ''[The train doors open; people scream and run away thinking they're getting attacked by the animals; The train doors close]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police Horse''': What you got to do is go straight back down West 42nd. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. :'''Police Horse''': It's on your left after Vanderbilt. :'''Marty''': Okay. :'''Police Horse''': If you hit the Chrysler Building, you've gone too far. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. Thanks a lot, officer. ''[walks]'' :'''Police Horse''': Hey! ''[Marty looks back]'' Wait for the light! ''[Marty walks backwards a bit while realizing his mistake]'' Freak. :'''Police radio''': Did you say "zebra"? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, yeah, that's right. A zebra. Right in front of me. Can I shoot it? :'''Police radio''': Negative. :'''Police Officer''': Then I'm going to need some backup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the subway, Alex and his gang are sitting as Alex sees a frightened man reading his newspaper about a basketball game between Golden State Warriors and New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden.]'' :'''Alex''': ''[reads the frightened man's sports paper then roars]'' Aww! Knicks lost again. :'''Melman''': What are you going to do? :'''Conductor''': Grand Central Station. :'''Alex''': Did that just say "Grand Central Station" or "my aunt's constipation"? :'''Gloria''': This is it. ===Scene 6: Grand Central Station/Alex's Dream=== [[File:Grand Central NYPD.jpg|thumb|We've been ratted out, boys.]] :'''Marty''': Grand Central Station. It's ''grand'' and it's ''central''. :''[At the subway, the man's playing a drum set; the train doors open; Alex is running with Gloria and preparing to tackle Marty, while Melman tries to run.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[squeezes his head out of the train doors]'' Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! ''[head pops out and hits the ceiling sign and destroys a man's drum set while he hits the cymbal]'' :'''Alex''': ''[more people screaming and running away]'' Move aside. We have an emergency here. This is an emergency situation. Hey, hey. Just chill out. It's not that big of an emergency. ''[Nana hits him with her handbag three times]'' Hey! Hey! Would you? Hey! Yaaaagh! Ooh! :'''Nana''': Upstairs, downstairs! ''[kicks Alex's crotch, then sprays in his eyes]'' How do you like that?! Yahh!! :'''Alex''': Lady! What is wrong with you?! ''[Nana hits him twice]'' Ow! Get a grip on yourselves, people! :'''Nana''': You're a bad kitty. :'''Announcer in the Grand Central''': The next train to Connecticut has been… :'''Marty''': ''[angrily, as the train to Connecticut departs]'' Dagnabbit! I missed the express! ''[then calms himself down for another plan]'' Looks like I’m gonna have to take the Stamford local. ''[Suddenly, Alex tackles in victorious]'' Aah! :'''Alex''': I got him! I've got him! :'''Gloria''': He's got him! :'''Melman''': He's got him! He's got him! He's got... Aaagh! :'''Nana''': I got something for you! ''[hits Melman with her bag, not realizing the damage she caused]'' :'''Melman''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[crashes into a clock that reads 12:21 AM]'' I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. :'''Marty''': Whoa! What are you guys doing here? :'''Alex''': Oh! I am so glad we found you. :'''Gloria''': We were so... worried about you. :'''Marty''': Don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine. Look at me. I'm fine. :'''Alex''': You're fine? Oh, he's fine. Oh! Great. Hey, you hear that? Marty's fine. Ah. That's good to know. 'Cause I was just wondering, uh... ''[now becomes desperate, disappointed, frustrated and grabs Marty by force about the escape from the zoo without permission] <big><big>'''How could you do this to us, Marty?! I thought we were your friends!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[weakly] '''What's the big deal?! I was coming back in the morning!!!''''' :'''Alex''': Don't you ever do this again!! Do you hear me?! :'''Gloria''': Do you hear him?! :'''Melman''': ''[with the clock on his head]'' Guys? We're running out of time! :'''Gloria''': Oh, Melman, you broke their clock?! :'''Alex''': Do you even realize what you've put us through?!?! Don't you ever... do this again!!! ''Don't you ever, ever do this again!!! [Grand Central Station goes dark; the spotlights has turned on as the Police and Firemen are called]'' :'''Gloria''': Don't-- '''''Come here!!''''' ''[grunting and panting as she tries to remove the broken clock off Melman's head until the police came to stop them while Skipper and his agents are reading a newspaper]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[frustrated before the friends raise their flippers]'' We've been ratted out, boys. :'''Police''': Hold your fire! ''[The police officers, the other federal forces, firefighters, drummer and Nana surrounding Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[happily while walking back with his friends]'' Cute and cuddly, boys. Cute and cuddly. :''[Mason and Phil, disguised in a trench coat, have bought tickets, only for many guns to point at them.]'' :'''Mason''': ''[to Phil]'' If you have any poo, fling it now. :''[Cut back to Grand Central Station with the police officers and the other federal forces confronting Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Marty''': ''[whispers]'' It's the man. ''[loudly]'' Good evening, officers! :'''Alex''': No. No. Nope. You don't talk now. OK? You're not good with "putting words together and they're coming out good" thing. ''[he let the Marty go]'' You keep it "shh"! ''[turns to the people]'' Hey! How you doing? You know what? Everything's cool. We just, uh, had a little situation here. ''[The Police push an Animal Control, but he's frightened of Alex, so the Police use their shields to block the sacredly man's path]'' Little internal situation. Actually, my friend went a little crazy. Happens to everybody. The city gets to us all. Went a little cuckoo in the head. :'''Marty''': Hey! Don't be calling me cuckoo in the head. :'''Alex''': Just shush! I will handle this. Oh! :'''Nana''': ''[walks up and kicks Alex in between the legs]'' <big><big>'''I got him!!!'''</big></big> :'''Police Officers''': ''[He run into view and carry Nana away jail]'' Go, go, go! Right here, please. :'''Alex''': Oh! Would you give a guy a break? ''[moaning]'' We’re just gonna take my little friend here home and… Uh, forget this ever happened. All right? No harm, no foul, right? ''[policemen and animal control feel shocked]'' Oh, no, no, no. Hey, it's cool. It's me, Alex the lion. From the zoo. Rrrr! ''[roars, scaring the people]'' Rrrr! What's the matter with them? ''[gets shot in the butt by a purple tranquilizer dart]'' Ow! Ow… ''[Starts to faint]'' Wow! Whoo! I feel really, really weird. Hey! Aw. I love you guys. ''[in slow motion]'' I love you so much... :''[Sammy Davis Jr.'s [[w:The Candy Man|The Candy Man]] starts to play as the screen becomes kaleidoscopic. Suddenly, it becomes black, save for many Martys and Melmans. The camera pans into the centermost Melman, then his pattern becomes the New York skyline as fireworks go off. Suddenly, Gloria, who is Lady Liberty flies off her pedestal like [[Tinker Bell (film)|Tinker Bell]], and to the viewer, leaving a trail of sparkles that originate from her body. She then hits into the camera with her torch like a wand, turning the screen into glass shatter stars that fly to the screen.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''News Reporter''': Last night's dramatic incident in Grand Central is an example of what animal rights wackos have been shouting for years: The animals clearly don't belong in captivity. Now they are to be sent back to their natural habitat, where they will live their lives in the freedom they so clearly desire. :'''Alex''': ''[Groaning, sticks out his hand weakly]'' Hey, little help? :'''Guard''': ''[audience screams and runs away]'' He's awake! '''''He's awake!!!!''''' :'''Guard #2''': ''[screams]'' :'''News Reporter''': ''[the Guards shoot more tranquilizer darts with different colors off-screen, the blue one lands in the middle of his hand while the human hits the street lamp, faints and crawls away] '''Do something!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': [[Dora the Explorer|Oh, man]]. :''[Alex's Candy Man hallucination sequence plays again, but unfortunately this time, it’s high-pitched and sped up]'' ===Scene 7: The Boat to Kenya=== [[File:Madagascar, lever de soleil sur l'océan indien.4.jpg|thumb|Does anybody feel nauseous?]] :'''Alex''': ''[his eyes glow in the dark; groaning]'' Oh, my head... ''[bumps his head on the top of his crate]'' Oh! Ah! ''[the crate lights has turned on automatically]'' What the…? Wait. ''[searches inside for the crate]'' Where…? What…? I'm in a box! Oh, no. No, no! Not the box. Oh, no, they can't transfer me! NOT ME! ''[panting]'' Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Darkness creeping in. Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Walls closing in around me. ''[whimpering]'' So alone. So alone. :'''Marty''': ''[his eyes open]'' Alex! Alex, are you there? :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Yeah! Talk to me, buddy. :'''Alex''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, Marty! You're here! :'''Marty''': What's going on? Are you OK? :'''Alex''': This doesn't look good, Marty. :'''Gloria''': ''[her eyes open]'' Alex? ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Marty, is that you? :'''Marty''': Gloria! :'''Alex''': You're here, too! :'''Marty''': I am loving the sound of your voice! :'''Gloria''': What is going on? :'''Alex''': We're all in crates! ''[Melman opens his eyes]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, no! Wha…? :'''Melman''': ''[the crate lights turn on automatically]'' Oh… sleeping just knocks me out. :'''Gloria''': Melman! :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Marty''': Is that Melman? :'''Gloria''': Are you OK? :'''Melman''': Yeah. No, I’m fine. ''[yawning]'' I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI. :'''Alex''': Melman, you're not getting an MRI. :'''Melman''': CAT scan? :'''Alex''': No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer. It's a zoo transfer! :'''Melman''': ZOO TRANSFER?! Oh, no! No, no, I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at 5:00. :'''Gloria''': Melman. Melman! Calm down, Melman. Relax. :'''Marty''': Melman. Calm down, Melman. :'''Melman''': There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am ''not'' going HMO! :'''Marty''': Take it easy, Melman. It's going to be okay. We are going to be okizay. :'''Alex''': No, Marty. We're not gonna be "okizay". Now, because of you, we're ruined! :'''Marty''': Because of me? I, I fail to see how this is my fault. :'''Gloria''': You're kidding, right, Marty? :'''Alex''': You! You ticked off the people. You bit the hand, Marty. You bit the hand! ''[mimicking Marty]'' "I don't know who I am! I don't know who I am. I got to go find myself in the wild!" Oh, please. :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! I did not ask you to come after me, did I? :'''Melman''': He does have a point. :'''Alex''': What?! :'''Melman''': I ''did'' say we should stay at the zoo, but you guys-- ''[fades to outside of the boxes]'' :'''Alex''': Melman, just shut it! You're the one who suggested this whole idea to him in the first place. :'''Gloria''': Alex! Leave Melman out of this, please? :'''Melman''': Thank you, Gloria. Besides, Alex, that's not my fault that we were transferred! :'''Gloria''': Melman, shut it. Does anybody feel nauseous? :'''Melman''': I feel nauseous. :'''Alex''': Melman, you always feel nauseous. :''[Horn blares from the freighter]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Kenya w1 locator.svg|thumb|Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"!]] :''[The penguins are being transferred; Kowalski is looking for the label on their crate.]'' :'''Skipper''': Progress report. :'''Kowalski''': It's an older code, Skipper. I can't make it out. :''[Skipper notices up the chimps for the crate next to them]'' :'''Skipper''': Hmm... You, higher mammal. :'''Mason''': Hmm? :'''Skipper''': Can you read? :'''Mason''': No. Phil can read, though. Phil! ''[Phil appears; Kowalski gestures towards the label; Phil starts using sign language]'' Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"! :'''Skipper''': Africa? That ain't gonna fly. Rico! :''[Rico pulled out a paper clip from his mouth, makes a shape that looks like a key and unlocks the crate. The penguins started to attack the guards and infiltrate the captain's deck and knocked him out. They are now in control of the ship as the new crew. Cut to Alex and Marty still arguing inside their crates while fighting.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gloria''': Guys! :'''Alex''': I was the star in the greatest city on Earth! :'''Gloria''': Guys, listen. :'''Alex''': A king! Loved by my people! :'''Gloria''': Okay, look! Let's just be civil. :'''Alex''': And you've ruined everything! :'''Gloria''': Guys, guys! Quit it up there! :'''Marty''': "Loved"? If the people loved you, it's only because they didn't know the real ''you''! :'''Gloria''': Don't make me come up there. I'd get the whooping on both of y'all! :'''Alex''': I thought I knew the real ''you''! Oh, wait, Marty? Your black-and-white stripes? They cancel each other out. OW! You're '''''nothing!!!!''''' :'''Gloria''': Let's-- Let's just talk about it like adults. You’re so scary! :'''Melman''': Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! :'''Gloria''': Hey! Listen. You're not helping the situation! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Status! :'''Private''': ''[nervously]'' It's no good, Skipper. I don't know the codes. :'''Skipper''': ''[angrily]'' Don't give me excuses! '''''Give me results!!!''''' Navigation. ''[Kowalski tries to investigate, but there's nothing]'' All right. Let me think… ''[The Captain mumbles crying for help]'' …and shut him up!! ''[Rico slaps the Captain]'' :'''Private''': ''[Completes the Override code]'' I did it! :'''Skipper''': ''[Alarm blaring]'' Let's get this tin can turned around! :''[As Kowalski turns the wheel, the boat begins to tilt slowly. The crates started to skid across the deck and towards the rail.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Ow! :'''Gloria''': Oh! :'''Melman''': Ah! :''[Alex peeps out and notices Gloria's box sliding towards his]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh! :''[Gloria crashes into Alex, and the rail breaks, causing the four boxes to fall into the sea, with the animals screaming in terror. The currents start to wash them apart.]'' :'''Alex''': Guys? Oh, no. Gloria! Melman! Marty! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty?! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! No, wait. Come back, Marty! Don't go. ===Scene 8: Arrive on the Beach=== [[File:Beach Fort Dauphin I.jpg|thumb|Marty! <br> Alex!]] :''[Night falls, Alex is asleep and a wave bumps His Crate as he falls into the mysterious Island that has a jungle and Alex feels scared and lonely and tries to call his friends]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? Melman? Gloria? Marty?! Melman?! Gloria?! Marty! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Melman! Gloria! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Hey, anyone! ''[echoes]'' Hello! ''[The next morning, feels weary; exhausted and calling to his friends]'' Marty, Melman, Gloria. Gloria, Melman, Marty. Marty, Gelman, Gloria. Marty, Melman. Morty, Morty, Gelman. Regis. Kelly. ''[Suddenly, hears a voice]'' Matt, Katie, Al. :'''Melman''': Hey! Whoa! Hey! Help! Whoa! Get me out of this thing. Somebody. Hello? Get me out of this thing right now! Hello? Somebody? :''[Alex goes up close and has found Melman]'' :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Melman''': Alex? Is that you? :'''Alex''': Melman, I got you. Hang on! Hang on. I got you. ''[bumps his head; dig up from the sand]'' Melman! :'''Melman''': Ow… :'''Alex''': I got you, buddy. :'''Melman''': Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! :'''Alex''': Wait a sec, Melman. :'''Melman''': Ow. :'''Alex''': Wait right there. ''[Picks up the branch]'' Aha! :'''Melman''': Alex, what are you doing? :'''Alex''': I'm getting you out of the box. Relax. :'''Melman''': Alex? ''[Gasps]'' :'''Alex''': Giraffe, corner pocket! Here goes nothing! :'''Melman''': Wait, wait, wait! No, come on! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! :'''Alex''': Hold still! :'''Melman''': Wait, Alex! :'''Alex''': Hold still. Hold still. Hold still. :'''Melman''': No, no, come on. Come on! :'''Alex''': Here I come! ''[yelling]'' :'''Melman''': Look! Look! Look! Look! It's Gloria! It's '''''Gloriaaaaa!!!''''' Oh, hey, it is Gloria. Oh, my... :'''Alex''': Gloria! ''[Knocking the crate door, but Gloria kicks the door, screaming while flies, Melman screaming and crash, his long crate broke into pieces!]'' Gloria! ''[getting hit by a piece right in the heart from his chest]'' Oh! :'''Gloria''': Alrighty, boys, fun's over. :''[The crab and the two starfishes go back into the ocean]'' :'''Alex''': Gloria! :'''Gloria''': ''[takes off the seaweed]'' Alex! :''[Suddenly, while hugging, Alex and Gloria see Marty riding on dolphins to surf]'' :'''Marty''': Whoa! ''[Hawaiian Five-O playing]'' :'''Gloria''': Marty?! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Yeah! All right! That's right! Whoo! Left! Left! Left. No, no, no, no, no, your left! Your left! Your left! Woohoo! Right here's good. You know, I don't really have anything on me right now. I'll have to get you later. ''[Dolphins chattering of saying goodbye]'' Ah-eheheheheh--to you too. :'''Alex''': Marty! Marty! :''["[[w:Chariots of Fire|Chariots of Fire]]" playing]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[slow motion]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[slow motion]'' Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Al! :'''Alex''': ''[firmly]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[confused]'' Alex?.. :'''Alex''': ''[angrily] <big><big>'''MARTY!!!!!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[Shocked, fleeing away while realizing that Alex is still furious with him for the zoo transfer] <big><big>'''Oh, sugar honey iced tea!!!'''</big></big>'' :''[Suddenly, Alex starts making it worse]'' :'''Alex''': ''[normal motion]'' <big><big>'''Marty!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[normal motion]'' Hey! Hold up! Hold up! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''I'm going to kill you!!! You come here!!! Don't run away from me!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': Whoa, wait! Wait, wait! Calm down! Calm down! :'''Gloria''': Marty! :'''Alex''': '''Do you think you can keep running?! I'm going to just kill you more!''' :'''Melman''': Marty! :'''Gloria''': Oh, look at us! We're all here together. Safe and sound. :'''Melman''': Yeah, here we are. Where exactly is "here"? ''[Everyone is surprised as they turn while they see many trees of Madagascar, but Melman knows it's...]'' San Diego. :'''Gloria''': San Diego? :'''Melman''': White sandy beaches, cleverly simulated natural environment, wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks. ''[tapping a rock]'' Wow! That looks real. :'''Alex''': San Diego? What could be worse than San Diego? :'''Marty''': I don't know. This place is crackalackin'! Oh, I could hang here. I could hang here. :'''Alex''': ''[angrily; starts chasing Marty]'' <big><big>'''I’M GONNA KILL YOU, MARTY!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Take it easy! Take it easy! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''I’m gonna strangle you!!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Calm down! Calm down! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''Then bury you, then dig you up and clone you and kill your clones!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' 20-second timeout. 20-second timeout. :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''AND THEN I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!'''</big></big> :'''Gloria''': ''[grabs Alex]'' <big><big>'''STOP IT!!!'''</big></big> Look. We're just going to find the people, get checked in and have this mess straightened out. :'''Alex''': Oh, great. This is just great. San Diego. Now I'll have to compete with [[w:Shamu|Shamu]] and his smug little grin. I can't top that? Can't top it! I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm out of the business! It's your fault, Marty! You've ruined me! :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex. Do you honestly think I intended all of this to happen? You want me to say that I'm sorry? Is that what you want? OK, I'm... :'''Alex''': Shh! :'''Marty''': He just shushed me. :'''Gloria''': Marty, look. ''[He doesn't want to hear it, right now. So...]'' You've got to be just a little... :'''Alex''': ''[cuts her off]'' Shush! :'''Gloria''': …bit more und-- Don't you shush me! :'''Alex''': ''[trying to listen harder]'' Do you hear that? Don't you hear that? ''[the others realize he's trying to listen to the music as they run into the jungle, while they're hearing the music that has a similar beat to Stayin’ Alive by Bee Gees]'' ===Scene 9: Checking Into the Jungle/I Like To Move It=== :'''Marty''': I hear it now! :'''Gloria''': Where there's music, there's people. :'''Alex''': We’ll go right to the head honcho. :'''Melman''': A sidewalk would be nice. :'''Gloria''': Yeah, what a dump. :'''Alex''': They should call it the San Di-lame-o Zoo. First, they tell you, "Hey! We got this great open plan thing. Let the animals run wild!" Next thing you know, it’s flowers in your hair. Everybody's hugging everybody! :'''Marty''': This place kind of grows on you. This way, guys! Come on! :'''Alex''': ''[gets hit by a branch]'' OW!! Ooh! ''[screams then cries in his hands]'' Aah! ''[his foot hits a rock]'' Oh, oh! AAH!!! ''[his foot pricks a thorn]'' Aah! What the...? ''[jumps through spider webs]'' Oh! Aah! Ew! Ew! ''[sputters as he tries to get the webs off himself then knocks down a tree on himself]'' OH, NO!! '''AAAHH!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gloria, Melman and Marty arrive at the party, they can see dancing shadows from the giant leaves.]'' :'''Gloria''': OK. Let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together. Is that the best you can do, Melman? :'''Melman''': Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas. :'''Gloria''': Okay. Well, great. Let's make gas look good. :''[Gloria opens up the leaves and they see a huge small group of strange furry creatures, who are the lemurs, dancing after [[w:madagascar:The End is Here|the final events]] of [[w:madagascar:All Hail King Julien|All Hail King Julien]]]'' :'''Marty''': Wow! :'''Gloria''': It's not people. It's animals! :'''Melman''': California animals. Dude! :'''Marty''': This is like a Puffy party! :'''King Julien''': ''[singing]'' I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it You like to move it, move it She like to move it, move it He like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': All girls all over the world Original King Julien 'pon yer case, man I love how all the girls that love to move their body When ya move your body, ya do Move it nice and sweet and sassy, all right :'''Gloria''': What kind of zoo is this? :'''Melman''': I just saw 26 blatant health code violations. :'''Marty''': I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizaine! :'''Melman''': 27! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': Woman, physically fit, physically fit, physically, physically, physically fit Woman Physically fit, Physically fit... :'''Marty''': We should've brought chips and dip! :'''Gloria''': ''[looking around, realizing they left someone behind]'' Wait. Where's Alex? ''[pulls Marty away]'' What happened to him? He was right behind us. Wasn't he right behind us? :'''Marty''': I don't know where he's at, but he's missing one heck of a party. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!''' [screaming]'' :''[The lemurs went running to hide and screaming. The fossas enter and surround to see the little lemur named Mort. Who is scared.]'' :'''Fossa''': Fossa hungry. Fossa eat. :'''Alex''': ''[enters]'' Ech! I hate spiderwebs. Yeah. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for waiting up. Really appreciate it. ''[Pulls away the leaves to see the Fossa.]'' Hey. Hi. We just got in from New York, and we're looking for a supervisor. Because we've been sitting on that beach there for… hours, and nobody's even bothered to show up. I don't know if things are, uh… Yeah, I don't know how things are normally run around here… ''[Marty, Gloria and Melman froze then in shock they saw a spider crawling on his back. Gloria slowly picked up a stick to whack it.]'' …but obviously, there's been some sort of major screw-up. Which is cool! So if you could just point us towards the administrative offices, we'll just, uh... ''[Before he can finish, he notices the spider crawling on his back]'' :'''Spider''': Well, howdy-do. :'''Alex''': ''[screaming in horror, the fossas surprised, then roaring in slow motion by scary monster the fossas running away] '''SPIDER! SPIDER!! SPIDER ON MY BACK!!!''''' :'''King Julien''': Maurice? Did you see that?! :'''Maurice''': He scared the fossa away. :''[Alex continues screaming in horror as Gloria uses the stick to hit him, but the spider has finally escaped!]'' :'''Melman''': Come on, Gloria. Get him. :'''Spider''': GET IT! GET IT! GET IT!! '''GET IT!!!''' :'''Melman''': That's it! Catch it, Gloria! Smack it! Get it, get it! Whip it! Whip it good! Where'd it go? :'''Mort''': King Julien, what are they? '''''WHAT ARE THEY?!?!''''' :'''King Julien''': They are aliens. Savage aliens from the savage future. :'''Maurice''': They've come to kill us. And take our women. And our precious metals. :''[Lemurs gasp. Mort starts sobbing while lands on Julien's feet.]'' :'''King Julien''': Get up, Mort. Do not be near the king's feet, OK? Shh! We're hiding. Be quiet, everyone. Including me. Shh! Who's making that noise? Oh, it's me again. :'''Melman''': There it is! Get it! Come on, Gloria! :'''Alex''': Stop it! Stop it! That's enough! Enough with the stick. :'''Melman''': She got it. I think she got it. I think she got it. :'''Alex''': Is it still on me? Oh, I hate spiders. :'''Gloria''': It's okay. It's gone. :'''Mort''': They are savages. Tonight we die. ''[He grabs Julien's leg]'' :'''King Julien''': The feet. I told you... I told you to... I told every...! Didn't I tell you about the feet. :'''Maurice''': He did tell you about the feet. :'''Mort''': E-he. :'''King Julien''': Wait. I have a plan. :'''Maurice''': Really? :'''King Julien''': I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savages killers. ===Scene 10: The Locals=== :'''Mort''': ''[After Julien kicks him out from hiding nearby]'' No! OOH! ''[Sees Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman and he gets scared and grabs his tail in fear.]'' :'''Marty''': Hi there. :'''Alex''': ''[clears throat to stop his friend]'' You let me handle it. ''[whispers]'' Alex handles it. Marty does nothing. ''[He walks over to a scared Mort and zooms in his face; kindly]'' Hi there! ''[Mort looks at Alex's teeth and starts crying]'' Oh, jeez. Oh. Oh, Sorry. :'''Melman''': Oh, Alex. What did you do? :'''Alex''': Oh, Shh! Shh! Shh! No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Shh! It's OK. It's OK. I'm just a silly... just a silly lion. ''[Mort starts screaming, while crying even louder]'' Oh, jeez! :'''Marty''': ''[knowing that Alex just made it worse]'' Aw, Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[Marty and Melman angrily criticize Alex, but walks to Mort]'' Oh, you poor little baby. Did that big mean lion scare you? :'''Mort''': Mm-hmm. ''[muttering]'' :'''Gloria''': He did? He's a big, bad old puddy tat, isn't he? ''[She picks Mort up]'' Come on. Mama'll hold you. Aww, look at you. :'''Melman''': ''[as Gloria is cuddling Mort]'' They are so cute from a reasonable distance. :'''Gloria''': Aren't you the sweetest little thing. Makes me want to dye it in coffee. :'''King Julien''': ''[watching Gloria cuddle Mort]'' They are just a bunch of pansies. :'''Maurice''': I don't know, Julien. ''[referring to Alex]'' There's something about that guy with the crazy hair-do that... I find suspicious. :'''King Julien''': Nonsense, Maurice! ''[turns to the lemurs]'' Come on, everybody! Let's go and meet the PANSIES! ''[laughing]'' :''[All the lemurs cheering and come out of their hiding places to meet them in celebration.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:New York Giants logo.svg|thumb|upright|"All hail the New York Giants!"<br>"NEW YORK GIANTS!!!!"]] :'''Maurice''': ''[blowing the shell horn]'' Presenting your royal highness, our illustrious King Julien XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray, everybody. :'''Marty''': He's got style. :'''Alex''': What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs? :'''Melman''': I think it's a squirrel. :'''King Julien''': Welcome, giant pansies! Please feel free to bask in my glow! :'''Alex''': Definitely a squirrel. :'''Melman''': Yep, squirrel. :'''King Julien''': We thank you with enormous gratitude for scaring away the Fossa. :'''Gloria''': The whossa? :'''King Julien''': The Fossa. They're always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off... :'''Alex''': Yeah, sounds great. Look, we're just, uh, we’re just trying to find out where the people are, so if you could, uh-- :'''Maurice''': ''[to Alex]'' Oh my, what big teeth you have. Man! :'''King Julien''': ''[he slaps]'' Shame on you, Maurice! Can you not see that you have insulted the freak?! ''[to Alex]'' You must tell me, who the heck are you? :'''Alex''': I'm Alex. The Alex and this is Gloria, Marty, and Melman. :'''Maurice''': And where exactly are you giants from, hmm? :'''Alex''': We're from New York and, uh, we-- :'''King Julien''': ''[makes a "T" with his hands, interrupting Alex, then turns to the crowd of lemurs.]'' All hail the New York Giants! :'''Lemurs''': NEW YORK GIANTS!!!! ''[cheering]'' :'''Alex''': Is there some sort of inbreeding program? ''[to Marty, Melman, and Gloria]'' Well, I say we just got to ask these bozos where the people are. :'''Julien:''' Excuse me? We bozos have the people, of course! :'''Alex''': ''Whoa!'' :'''Melman''': Hey! The bozos have the people! :'''Alex''': Oh, well, great. Good. Phew. Heh. :'''King Julien''': They're up there. ''[points to some human skeletons hanging from parachutes snagged on the branches of a large tree]'' Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though. :'''Alex''': Oh, wow. So do you have any live people? :'''King Julien''': Um... No. Uh, only dead ones. :'''Maurice''': Man, if we had a lot of live people, it wouldn't be called "the wild!" Would it? ''[laughs]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? :'''Alex''': Whoa! Whoa, hold up there a second, fuzz... bucket. You mean, like, uh, like the "live-in-a-mud-hut, wipe-yourself-with-a-leaf" type wild? :'''King Julien''': Who wipes? ''[laughing]'' :'''Gloria''': Oy vey. :'''King Julien''': Oy vey! :'''Maurice''': Oy vey, everybody! :'''Lemurs''': OY VEY!!!! :'''Alex''': Could you excuse me for a moment? ''[At sunset, runs back to the shore, crying, while Gloria tries to chase him down.]'' Get me out of here! We got to get out of here!! Help!!! :'''Gloria''': Alex! ''[She catches Alex as he's about to dive into the ocean]'' What are you ''doing''?! :'''Alex''': ''[while Marty is excited]'' I'm swimming back to New York!! I know my chances are slim. But I have to try! :'''Gloria''': You can't swim! :'''Alex''': I said my chances are slim!! :'''Melman''': ''[running in panic with leaves covering him]'' AAAAGHH!!! NATURE!!!! It's all over me! Get it off!! I CAN'T SEE!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!! ''[Gloria steps on vine cord, pulling the leaves off him; happily]'' I can see! ''[now becomes frightened, screams, and buries his head in the sand like an ostrich]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[while holding Alex by his throat]'' Okay, look. There has obviously just been a little mistake. I'm sure the people didn't dump us here on purpose. As soon as they realize what happened, they'll come looking for us, right? :'''Melman''': ''[with head buried; while Marty is singing "Born Free"]'' Yeah, right. :'''Gloria''': You know something? I bet they're already on their way. ''[puts down Alex as he gasps]'' ===Scene 11: Last Will=== :''[Meanwhile, at dusk, the boat sails 2,500 turns into 2,501 miles south to Antarctica by way of the penguins on an important mission.]'' :'''Skipper''': Well, boys? It's gonna be ice-cold sushi for breakfast. ''[he and Private take high five]'' Rico. :''[Rico uses the wine with foam to toast their victory!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile on Madagascar island...]'' :'''Melman''': Well, since I'm doomed to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my estate equally among the three of you. ''[Right before he could finish his sentence, a wave came in and go rid of it]'' Oh… Sorry, Alex. :'''Marty''': Hey! A latrine. Nice work, Melman. Outdoor plumbing. :'''Alex''': No, it's not a latrine. It's a grave! You sent Melman to his grave. Are you happy? :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. This isn't the end. This is a whole new beginning. This could be the best thing that's ever happened to us. :'''Alex''': No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No! This is not the best thing that's ever happened to us! :'''Melman''': Yeah! You abused the power of the birthday wish and brought this bad luck on all of us. So why'd you tell your wish? You're not supposed to do that. :'''Marty''': Wait a minute. I didn't wanna tell you. Remember? You guys made me tell you. :'''Melman''': Oh, OK. :''[As Marty talks, Alex has grabbed a tree and draw a line over the beach.]'' :'''Marty''': Besides, this isn't bad luck. This is good luck. Look around. There's no fences, no schedules. This place is beautiful. Baby, we were born to be here. :'''Alex''': OK. OK. I've had enough of this. This is your side of the island, and this is our side of the island. That is the bad side, where you can prance and skip around like a magical pixie horse! And do whatever the heck you wanna do all day long. And this, this is the good side of the island for those who love New York and care about going home. :'''Marty''': Come on. :'''Alex''': No, no. Back! Back! Back! Back! :'''Gloria''': You know what? This isn't good. :'''Marty''': OK! You all have your side, and I'll have mine! And if you need me, I'll be over here, on the fun side of the island, having a good old time! A gay old time! A yay old time! A [[The Flintstones (film)|Yabba-dabba-doo]] old time! :'''Alex''': ''[quietly]'' That’s not the fun side. ''[loudly]'' This is the fun side! This is the fun side, where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home. Whoo! I love this side. This side's the best. That side stinks! You're on the '''Jersey''' side of this cesspool!! :'''Marty''': [[The Flintstones (film)|WILMA]]!!!!!!!! :'''Melman''': Well, now what do we do? :'''Alex''': Don't worry, Melman. I have a plan to get us rescued. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later at nightfall, Alex builds a statue that looks like the Statue of Liberty from New York]'' :'''Alex''': Can't wait to see the look on Marty's face when he sees this. ''[looks over to see Marty, building a roof]'' Ooh. Just look at him. He's helpless without us. Shut up, Spalding! :''[The camera zooms to a decorated basketball]'' :'''Gloria''': I've been standing here for hours, man. How long do I have to pose like this? :'''Alex''': She is... ''[kissing]'' Finito! I defy any rescue boat within a million miles to miss this baby. When the moment is right, we will ignite the beacon of liberty and be rescued from this awful nightmare! What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? How's the liberty fire goin', Melman? :'''Melman''': Great! Idiot... :'''Alex''': I heard that! :'''Melman''': Ugh. Why can't we just borrow some of Marty's fire? :'''Alex''': That's wildfire! We're not using wildfire on Lady Liberty! Now rub, Melman! :'''Melman''': ''[groans in frustration]'' I've been doing... I can't – i can't – i can't do it! I ju-- I CAN'T DO IT! ''[slams the planks down...and they suddenly ignite]'' Fire! Fire! ''[Alex and Gloria were surprised by this]'' FIRE! FIIIIIIRE!!! ''[laughs, then notices the burning planks are still attached to his hooves]'' Ah. Oh, my... Ow! Ooh, '''FIRE!!''' ''[screaming]'' :'''Alex''': '''NOT YET! NO, NO! NO!''' :'''Melman''': '''FIRE! AAAAHHHHH!!!!''' ''[Sets the statue that Alex made on fire]'' :'''Alex''': No, no! No! Not yet! ''[gasps before landing on his face]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, hold still! JUMP! Alex, jump! ''[Alex does so]'' Don't worry, cats always land on their-- ''[Alex falls flat on his face after jumping off the burning rescue beacon instead of using his feet to land safely like other cats]'' Face? Man, what kind of cat are you? :'''Alex''': ''[after Melman burned the rescue beacon in panic] [[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|'''YOU MANIAC!!! YOU BURNED IT UP!!! DARN YOU!!! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!!!''']]'' :'''Melman''': ''[callously]'' Can we go to the fun side now? ===Scene 12: The King=== :''[Meanwhile in the jungle, the lemurs have gathered at an old airplane for a meeting.]'' :'''Maurice''': Everybody, calm down. Come on. Into your chairs. Yes. Everybody please, calm down. Let go of his tail. Separate those two, would you, please? You over here, and you over there. Everybody, Shh... Calm down, people, OK? Ugh. Now, presenting your royal highness, the illustrious blah, blah, blah. You know, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray. Let's go. :'''King Julien''': Now, everybody, we all have great curiosity about our guests, the New York giants. Yes, Willie? :'''Willie the lemur''': I like them. :'''Mort''': I like them. I like them! I liked them first! Before I even met them I liked them! :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. Yes! We get it… :'''Mort''': When I saw them, I liked them right away. You hate them compared to how much I like them… :'''Julien''': Oh, shut up! You're so annoying!! ''[Pauses out of the park and Mort chuckles]'' Now, for as long as we can remember, we have been attacked and eaten by the dreaded fossa. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!!''' [screams] '''AAHHH!!''''' :''[Everyone all screamed and panic, the one of the lemurs jumps out the old airplane and the glass breaks apart.]'' :'''Lemur 2''': ''[holds up a book titled "To Serve Lemur"]'' [[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|It's a cookbook! '''''IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!!''''']] :'''Julien''': All right! Please. Please, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Shh! Quiet!! Come on, y'all. They're not attacking us this very instant. :''[All lemurs sigh in relief as Julien continues to prepare his plan that will succeed]'' :'''King Julien''': So, my genius plan is this: We will make the New York Giants our friends and keep them close. Then, with Mr. Alex protecting us, we will be safe and never have to worry about the dreaded fossa ever again! ''[Everyone all agrees.]'' I thought of that! I thought of that! Yes! Me! I did. :'''Maurice''': Hold on, hold on, everybody. Hold on. I'm just thinking now. I mean, does anyone wonder why the fossa were so scared of Mr. Alex? I mean, ''maybe'' we should be scared too. What if Mr. Alex is even worse than the fossa?! ''[Lemurs gasp in shock]'' I'm telling you, that dude just gives me the heebiedabajeebies! :'''King Julien''': Maurice, you did not raise your hand. Therefore, your heinous comment will be stricken from the record. ''[Chameleon uses the typewriter]'' Does anyone else have the heebie-jeebies? No? Good. So shut up. When the New York giants wake up, we will make sure that they wake up in paradise. ''[Laughing]'' Now, who would like a cookie? :''[All lemurs cheering for a cookie.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[And in the meantime at the beach, Alex makes the sign of "Help!", waiting for the boat that was hijacked by the penguins. And Marty tries to cheer up Alex for an apology]'' :'''Marty''': Yo, Al. Melman and Gloria are over there having a good time. There's room on the fun side for one more. :'''Alex''': No, thanks. :'''Marty''': Look, I've been thinking. Maybe if you gave this place a chance, I don't know, you might even enjoy yourself. :'''Alex''': Marty, I'm tired. I'm hungry. I just want to go home. :'''Marty''': Could you just give it a chance? Think about it. It really isn't the fun side without you. ''[Leaves away from Alex, The P breaks and falls apart, which now says "Hell".]'' ===Scene 13: Marty's Beach House=== :''[Alex comes to Marty's, sign says "No Soliciting"]'' :'''Everyone but Alex''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Melman''': I know. And then... ''[Alex knocks it]'' Shh. Shh. It's him. :'''Marty''': Who is it? :'''Alex''': It's the pizza man. Who the heck do you think it is? :'''Marty''': ''[opens the slot door and sees Alex's eye]'' Yes? Can I help you? :'''Alex''': Can I come to the fun side? :'''Marty''': ''[closes the slot door; opens the door a little bit which is locked]'' Beg your pardon? :'''Alex''': You know, I've been kind of a jerk, Marty. But I've been thinking about what you said, and... I'm sorry. :'''Marty''': ''[Closes the door. But unfortunately prepares to unlock and opens the door!]'' Welcome to Casa del Wild! Take a load off. Hey, hey, wipe your feet. :'''Gloria''': Alex! :'''Marty''': ''[In Spanish]'' Mi casa is su casa. :'''Alex''': Very impressive. :'''Marty''': Hey, have a drink. It's on the house. :'''Alex''': ''[Drinks the water from the coconut shell, but it's seawater instead of potable water and he spits it out!]'' This is seawater. :'''Marty''': Oh, you don't swallow it. It's just temporary till the plumbing's done. Hey, y'all look hungry. How would you like some of nature's goodness? :'''Gloria''': You have food? :'''Marty''': The Fun Side Special, coming up. Seaweed on a stick. :'''Alex''': Seaweed? :'''Marty''': On a stick. Don't love it till you try it. :'''Melman''': That's unbelievable! :'''Gloria''': Mmm… So good. :'''Marty''': Well, thanks. It does kind of hit the spot, doesn't it? ''[Without roasting it, Alex coughs up seaweed, because he wants steak as a carnivore.]'' Well, maybe it could use a little lemon. :'''Alex''': No, it's great. It's really great. Doesn't get any better than this. :'''Marty''': Oh, but it does. Check this out. :''[He pulls down a lever, opening up the roof to show a view of the stars.]'' :'''Gloria''': Wow! Would you look at that? :'''Alex''': It's like billions and billions of helicopters. :'''Marty''': It's a shooting star. Make a wish. Quick! :'''Alex''': Ooh! How about a thick, juicy steak? :'''Marty''': You know what, Alex? I promise you I'm going to find you a steak tomorrow if it kills me. :'''Alex''': Thanks, Marty. :'''Melman''': ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': I think I'm gonna hit the sack too. Sweet dreams, everyone. :''[Alex dreams of licking steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[echoes]'' Alex. ''[Alex surprised; accidentally licks Marty as the others are shocked and confused]'' What are you doing? :'''Alex''': 27, 28, 29, 30. Hmm. 30. 30 black and only 29 white. Looks like you're black with white stripes after all. Dilemma solved. Good night. ''[pretends to sleep with his eyes open]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the trees, Julien and Maurice look below at the sleeping Alex with Marty, Melman and Gloria on the beach.]'' :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Mr. Alex was grooming his friend. He is clearly a tender, loving thing. How can you have the heebie-jeebies for Mr. Alex? Look at him. He's so cute and plushy. :'''Maurice''': I don't think he was grooming him, Julien. Look more like he was tasting him to me. :'''King Julien''': Suit yourself, no matter. I don't care. Soon we will put my excellent plan to action. All we have to do is wait until they are deep in their sleep... ''[a long pause] '''HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!''''' :''[Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman thought there are lemurs, but they see nothing. So they have to go to sleep again.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Private''': ''[on finally arriving at Antarctica]'' Well, this sucks. ===Scene 14: Kidnapped/The Warm Welcome=== :''[Cut to black of the next morning]'' :'''King Julien''': Wake up, Mr. Alex. Wake up, Mr. Alex. Rise and shining. Wakey-waking, Mr. Alex! ''[Loudly]'' '''WAKE UP!!!! ALEX!!!!''' ''[Alex muffled gasp]'' You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': AAH! :'''Everyone but Alex''': AAH!! :'''Everyone''': AAAAHH!!!! :''[Shocked, the zoo animals get up.]'' :'''Alex''': Where are we? What the heck is going on? :'''King Julien''': Take it easy. :'''Alex''': What is this? :'''Melman''': Who built a forest? :'''King Julien''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't be alarmed, giant freaks! While you were asleep, we simply took you to our little corner of heaven. Welcome to Madagascar. :'''Marty''': Mada-who-ah?! :'''Gloria''': What? :'''King Julien''': No, not who-ah, ascar. :''[The zoo animals stare from the open view of Madagascar.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. It's... :'''Marty''': It's just like my mural back at the zoo. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no, fella, that is the real deal right there. :'''King Julien''': Look at that, that's not a bad view. :'''Alex''': I mean, that's the thing that you were always looking at, but it's actually there. I mean, that's like the real version of your... :'''Marty''': Hey, how about once around the park? Let's get our blood pumping, get those lungs breathing all this fresh air! Who's with me?! :'''Alex''': Ah, naw. I really, I don't think I could... You're it! :'''Marty''': Hey! Want to play around? Ho! Hey! :'''Alex''': Ha-ha! Oof! :'''Marty''': Got you there! Ha-ha! :'''Alex''': Come here! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Marty''': You're it. :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles, while riding on Marty's back]'' Hey, hey, hey! :'''Marty''': Hey, stop that! Hey, you’re crazy! :'''Alex''': OK, Marty, I'm it. I'm it. I'm it. You win. ''[Groans in exhaustion]'' :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex, get in the groove. :'''Alex''': I haven't eaten in two days. My blood sugar's real low. I just don't have the energy. :'''Marty''': I don't think that's your problem. First of all, that's not how you run in the wild. Let's go, man. Put the rubber to the road! You just have to let out that inner lion. Now, who's the cat? :'''Alex''': Marty, I really don't... :'''Marty''': You are, that's who. Come on! Here we go! That's it. Now let's build up some steam! :'''Alex''': Alright. :'''Marty''' You the cat. :'''Alex:''' Who's the cat? :'''Marty:''' You the cat. :''[Marty went up ahead whooping as Alex kept repeating "Who's the cat?" over and over again. His eyes lean close to Marty and his eyes changed of being crazy.]'' :'''Alex''': I'M THE CAT!! ''[Zooms against Marty]'' Surprise! :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' ''[Crashes with Alex]'' :'''Alex''': Hoo! You're it! You're it! Can't juke the cat. Cat's too quick! Whoo! Hoo-ha! Ooh, yeah! Hoo-ha! I feel like a mile-high pastrami on rye on the fly from the deli in the sky! Roww! Let's go wild! :'''Marty''': Now you're talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex and Marty are now doing the Tarzan Yell as they enter the wild party.]'' :'''Alex''': Whoo! Man! I feel, ha-ha-ha-ha, different! Noogie, noogie, noogie. Noogie, noogie, noogie! Whoo! Kind of charged up or something. Hoo! :'''Gloria''': Ah, Marty, Marty, Marty! Like you said, baby. :'''Alex''': It's Crack-a-lacking. Ain't that right, Melman? Whoo! :'''Melman''': Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm in heaven. :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Alex is now our friend and the fossas are nowhere to be seen. It could be said that my plan is working in a very good working kind of way. :'''Alex''': Yeah! :'''Marty''': Alex. You got to try some of this. :''[Alex spits the pineapple to King Julien]'' :'''Alex''': I feel good. Feel like a king again! :'''King Julien''': ''[Throws the pineapple to Maurice]'' King? :'''Marty''': Yeah! You should see his act. Come on, Alex. Why don't you show him some of your act? :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Oh. No, I really don't think I could... OK. ===Scene 15: Alex Confuses Marty for Steak=== :''[Moments later, they have prepared a special ceremony to show Julien that lions are also kings.]'' :'''Marty''': Ladies and gentlemen, primates of all ages. The wild proudly presents: The king! :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': E♭, fellas. :''[Fanfare playing in E♭]'' :'''Marty''': Yeah! The king is in the house! :'''King Julien''': See, if he is the king, then where is his crown? I've got a crown. Got a very nice one! And it's here on my head! Look at it! Have I got it on? :''[From the rocks, the fossa approached ready to eat the lemurs again, but they are surprised by Alex.]'' :'''Marty''': Do the roar, man! Do the roar! ''[Alex no longer use his normal roar, so instead, he uses the real roar, Marty, Melman, Gloria, Mort, and The Lemurs gasp in shock. Frightened, the fossas ran away again.]'' Wow. I've never heard that one before. Yeah! Go wild, man! Come on! Break out the wave! ''[Lemurs cheer. But unfortunately, since Alex hasn't eaten for along time, he thought the lemurs look like steaks to him. His claws show up and the camera switches to the lemur wave, but suddenly, screams, and the music stops! Everyone but Marty became shocked, the camera zooms out to show that Alex bit Marty on the butt and Mort happily claps for a short period.]'' Excuse me. You're biting my butt! :'''Alex''': ''[long pauses as his eyes go back to normal; muffled]'' No, I'm not. :'''Marty''': Yes, you are. ''[Alex spits and licks paws in the tongue]'' :'''Gloria''': Alex, what did you do? :'''Marty''': You just bit ''me'' on the butt! :'''Alex''': No, I didn't. Did I? :'''Melman''': You kind of did. :'''Marty''': ''He'' just bit me on the butt! What the heck is wrong with ''you''?! :'''Alex''': ''[stutters]'' I... Oh! Uh... :'''Marty''': Why'd you bite me? :'''Maurice''': ''[coming out of the crowd]'' Man, it's because you are ''his'' dinner. :'''Melman''': What?! :'''Gloria''': Excuse me?! :'''Melman''': That's dumb. :'''King Julien''': Come, come, Maurice. What is a simple bite on the buttocks among friends? ''[shakes his tail at Maurice]'' Here, gimme a nibble. :'''Maurice''': ''[pushes King Julien]'' The party is over, Julien. Your brilliant plan has failed. :'''Marty''': What are you talking about? :'''Maurice''': Your friend here is what we call a deluxe hunting and eating machine, and he eats steak... which is you. :'''Gloria''': Get out of here. :''[Julien thinks for a moment, realizing how selfish he was being and contemplates what Maurice had mentioned about Alex during the last night's meeting on the broken plane as it's so much for everyone not having the heebie jeebies. His uncle was right all along about breaking the rule of helping outsiders to protect the kingdom that it got forbidden.]'' :'''King Julien''': Okey-dokey, Maurice. I admit it. The plan failed. All is lost! We are all doomed! The fossas will come back and gobble us with their mouths, because... we are all steak. :'''Mort''': ''[taking the steak statement as a compliment]'' I'm steak! Me-me-me-me-me-me-me! :'''Maurice''': Mr. Alex cannot stay here. He belongs with his own kind... ''[Alex's eyes dilate again and sees Julien, and turned into steak once again for his hunger]'' On the fossa side of the island. :'''King Julien''': ''[turned into steak]'' By the power vested in me, by the law of the jungle, ''[the lemurs, Mort, Marty, Melman, and Gloria turned into steak]'' blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... '''Be gone!!''' :'''Marty''': What? Come on, do I look like a steak to you? :'''Alex''': ''[seeing Marty as a steak through his vision]'' Yeah! :'''Marty''': See, I told you I don't look like a-- ''[mishears]'' Wait, wait, wh-- Wh-- What'd you say? :'''Alex''': Oh, yeah! ''[growls ferociously as he prepares to attack causing the lemurs and zoo animals to get scared]'' :'''Mort''': ''[the lemurs pretend to three wise monkeys; frightened]'' He's going savage... :'''King Julien''': '''Run for your lives!!''' ''[Everyone screams and runs away. Alex roars wildly, getting ready to devour them all.]'' :'''Gloria''': '''Marty, run!!''' :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' :''[The Fanfare of [[wikipedia:National Geographic|National Geographic]] plays as Alex is preparing to eat Marty once again, but Maurice throws a coconut to stop Alex and paralyze him to go back to normal!]'' :'''King Julien''': A bullseye! Excellent shot, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. [[File:A Zebra running in a lush Ugandan savanna in Lake Mburo National Park 04.jpg|thumb|Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty.]] :''[Alex lifted up his head and Marty in steak form now turns to normal, while running away]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty. What is wrong with ''me''?! Ow...! Oh, no. What I've done, It's true, I'm a monster. I gotta get out of here. ''[runs away]'' :''["What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong plays as Alex and his gang are going separate ways with Marty, Melman, and Gloria stop running while Alex running through the jungle gets his claws caught on leaves and then a tree. Alex pulls them out only for him to fall down a hill through jagged rocks, a field of flowers, and finally a cactus patch before landing on his feet with a cactus stuck on his back and falling into a river and screams while plummets down a waterfall. He arrives on the Fossa side of the island walks pass a few Fossas (who looked confused, seeing that Alex wasn’t going to eat them), the scene turns back to Marty, Melman and Gloria walks through the jungle witness how dangerous the wild can be such as a hummingbird flew into the snapdragon flowers only for it to be eaten and burps, while Alex uses his instruments to sharpen pieces of wood. Marty, Melman and Gloria saw a mouse escape from a snake, then gets caught by an eagle, and they spot a duckling as they get it to a lake but it gets eaten by a crocodile much to their shock. Alex sits on a rock in an enclosure resembling his from the zoo feeling sad and guilty. The others walk by the grassy field that Marty and Alex played on earlier while Marty looks long towards storm clouds rolling in, feeling guiltier and the circle of life in Madagascar is now broken since the terror reign of the former evil Mountain lemur king Koto.]'' ===Scene 16: The Wild=== :'''Marty''': What have I done? This is a nightmare! And it's all my fault. Now, because of me, we've lost Alex. :'''Melman''': Well, what are we going to do? :'''Gloria''': We'll find a way to help him. That's what we'll do. :'''Melman''': Oh! OK. :'''Gloria''': Come on, we are New Yorkers, right? :'''Marty''': Yeah. :'''Gloria''': We're tough. We're gritty. :'''Marty''': Yeah! :'''Gloria''': We're adaptable! :'''Marty''': Yeah!! :'''Gloria''': And we are not going to lay down like a bunch of Melmans! :'''Melman''': No, we're not. ''[horn blaring]'' Oh. Gloria. :'''Gloria''': That was not me, OK? That was the boat. The boat! :'''Marty''': The boat? The boat's come back for us! Come on, guys, we got to flag it down. :''[Marty, Melman, and Gloria race to the beach where they saw the boat, blaring harder and louder]'' :'''Marty''': There it is! :'''Melman''': Hey, over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! :'''Marty''': Over here! Over here! Yo! Yo! Yo! :'''Gloria''': Melman, give me a lift. Hurry up! Lift me up! :'''Marty''': Help! Help! Help! :'''Melman''': Oh, my neck. My neck. My neck. You guys. Over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! Melman! Steady. This way! :'''Marty''': Over here! :'''Melman''': You have no idea how much this hurts. :'''Marty''': Hey, boat! We're over here! ''[the three zoo animals are thuds]'' :'''Gloria''': Look! It's turning! It's coming back! IT'S COMING BACK! IT'S COMING BACK!! :'''Melman''': Yes! This way! Come on! Come on, baby! WHOO!! Yes, you guys! :'''Marty''': You guys flag down that boat. I’ll go get Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[stopping Marty]'' Whoa! Hold on there. You cannot go back there by yourself. :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. I know Alex. He hears we're rescued, he'll snap right out of it. :'''Melman''': The people are coming. They can help us. :'''Gloria''': Melman's right. The people will know what to do. Now, come on. We got to flag down that boat. :''[The boat already approaches near the beach with a horn blaring to knockback the trees! And finally, the anchor crashes the sand as the penguins land on the beach.]'' :'''Skipper''': Now, this is more like it. :'''Gloria''': You?! Oh, ma-- Where are the people?! :'''Skipper''': We killed them and ate their livers. ''[Gloria looks horrified]'' Gotcha, didn't I? Just kidding, doll, the people are fine. They're on a slow boat to China. Hey! I know you two. Where's that psychotic lion, and our monochromatic friend? :'''Melman''': ''[he and Gloria looks back to see Marty missing]'' Marty? He's ri... Where'd he go? I thought he was right behind us. :'''Gloria''': ''[groans in frustration]'' He went back for Alex. ''He's'' gonna get himself killed! :'''Skipper''': Well, boys, our monochromatic friend's in danger. Looks like we have a job to do. ''[Private brings out a notebook and a red crayon]'' Captain's log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski, we'll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico, we'll need special tactical equipment. We're going to face extreme peril. Private probably won't survive. ''[a red crayon snaps, Private looks horrified]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Alex! Come out, Alex! The boat's here! We can go home! :''[The fossa see Marty, as if they are going to eat him; The dream appears many kid steaks that Alex wants them and his claws show up]'' :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[Alex eyes change like he's going to go crazy again, fearing that he will continue injuring his friends, retreats to foosa territory in isolation. Marty searches for him, excited]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! Alex. :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': Snap out of it, Alex. The boat came back. We can get out of here. We can go back to civilization, and everything will be just like it used to be. :'''Alex''': Stay back. Please. I'm a monster. :'''Marty''': Alex, you're no monster. You're my friend. We're a team. You and me, remember? :''[Alex tried to attack Marty, but the zebra scuttled back away from the crazed lion.]'' :'''Alex''': I don't want to hurt you. :'''Marty''': Alex. I ain't leaving without you. Alex? I'm thinking of a song. It's a wonderful song. I'm sure you're familiar with it. ''♪Start spreadin' the news. I'm leaving today. We are a great big part of it!♪'' Come on, you know the words. Two little words. Please don't make me sing this by myself. ''[go back to Alex's normal eyes again]'' You really don't want to hear me sing this by myself. ''[The fossa appeared from above the rocks]'' Uh, Alex? Could you come out here for a minute? Hey, Alex, a l-l-little help? '''''AAH!!! HELP ME!!! ALEX!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': ''[a look of determination appears on face and eyes changed of being crazy yet again]'' ===Scene 17: The Fossas=== :''[Marty runs for his life as the fossa chase after him.]'' :'''Marty''': Help me!! Anybody, help me!! Somebody!! ''[Marty turns to see two Fossas riding on his butt and dumping salt and lemon juice on him]'' Ah! ''[Marty throws the Fossa off of him]'' '''''HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :''[As the Fossa make a dog pile to eat Marty, Melman is swinging on a vine while doing a Tarzan Yell to save Marty.]'' :'''Marty''': Melman? :'''Melman''': That's right, baby. ''[Both crash into the rock]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[As she picks up and puts Marty down, the fossa ran towards them] '''RUN!''''' :'''Marty''': What's the plan? :'''Gloria''': This is the plan! :'''Fossa''': Foosa hungry. Foosa eat. :'''Marty''': This is the plan?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': ''[He comes out of the jungle, into the fossa’s path, and pulled out a flare gun]'' Foosa halt! :'''The Fossas''': Huh? ''[amazed by a flare Skipper has fired]'' Ooh. Foosa aaahh. Foosa ooh. Foosa aaahh. :''[As the fossa are distracted by flares glow, the penguins army crawled underneath their noses. And then Rico holds a pike and uses it like a pole to flick himself with the pike over the steering wheel of the cargo ship that Private brings over. Then as the pike lands in the hole in the middle of the steering wheel, Kowalski pulls out a plate, then hands it over to Skipper. Then Private lands on the plate, and then Kowalski brings out a can of whipped cream that Skipper sprays onto Privates head.]'' :'''Private''': ''[Then Rico up chucks a cherry, that plops onto Privates whipped cream covered head.]'' Come and get it! :'''Fossa''': Foosa-Huh? :''[Then as the fossa where about to eat Private, Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico spun the wheel knocking out many fossa in the process. And as Gloria, Marty, and Melman are amazed by it other fossa came up from behind startling them, then more showed up in front, then three others came out from a hollow log.]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[Using Melman’s head as a hammer, she whacked them on their heads]'' Take that! :'''Fossa''': Foosa ow! :'''Private''': There's too many of them, Skipper! :'''Skipper''': It's been a real pleasure serving with you, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Just then as Skipper slaps a fossa, they hear Alex roaring, preparing to trick the Fossa]'' :'''Marty''': Alex? ''[hits the Fossa's face]'' :'''Alex''': That's my kill! Mine. Alex hungry. Alex eat. ''[Unleashes his claws]'' Psst! ''[whispering]'' It's showtime. Thanks for not giving up on me, Marty. :'''Marty''': Man, you almost gave me a heart attack. You can't just come up here and sneak up on me. Just because you're a lion... ''[Muffled]'' Let go of me. Let go of me! :'''Alex''': Shh! We're getting out of here. Guys, just go with me on this. Like I said, it's showtime. Rrr! Mine! My kill! Rrahh! They're all mine!! ''[Roars as his gang start to scream]'' :'''Gloria''': <big><big>'''AAH!!! IT'S THE KING OF THE BEASTS!!!'''</big></big> Oh, no!! ''[screams]'' :'''Marty''': Don't eat me, Mr. Lion! :'''Melman''': He's scary! :'''Alex''': Fear me!! Savagery beyond comprehension! :'''Marty''': I am far too young to die! :'''Melman''': You're a monster! A monster, I say!! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''''AND, YOU!!!'''''</big></big> :'''Fossa''': Me?! :''[Alex roars at the fossas as he and his friends defeat the fossas]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, you want some of this? ''[Grunts]'' You better run for your lives! :'''Marty''': Somebody call a cop! :'''Melman''': ''[hits the Fossa with his head like a golf]'' He's psychotic!!! :'''Alex''': ''[to the Fossas]'' This is '''''my''''' territory!!! '''Understand?!''' I ''never'', ''ever'' want to see ''you'' on my turf again!!! ''[with all his might, the beast roars at the fossa, causing them to be scared and run away]'' Boo. ''[The last fossa runs off with the rest of the pack]'' :'''Gloria''': Woo-hoo! :'''Marty''': Yeah! You the cat! :'''Gloria''': Got my boy back! :'''King Julien''': ''[Laughing triumphantly]'' I did it! Give me some love! The plan worked! The plan worked! I'm very clever! I'm the one, baby! Come on. Time to robot! ''[robot talking]'' I am very clever king. I am super genius. I am robot king of the monkey things. Compute, compute. :'''Alex''': So, what's for lunch? :''[Everyone but Alex is surprised, realizing that they haven’t eaten lunch yet. Cut to the island with Skipper and his penguins preparing a special meal.]'' ===Scene 18: A Special Snack for Alex=== :'''Skipper''': Close those eyes. :'''Alex''': Why do I have to close my eyes? :'''Skipper''': Do it. :'''Alex''': Yeah. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Tighter. :'''Alex''': Yes, sir. :'''Skipper''': No peeking. :'''Alex''': Alright. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Rico. :'''Rico''': ''[takes the fish; Does a karate chop with two knives; carves; slaps the bottom of the fish turns into 12 sushi fish and drops]'' Hai. ''[the tail drops on his head; the knife takes a sushi fish]'' :'''Skipper''': Open that hatch. :'''Alex''': Aah… :'''Skipper''': ''[the sushi fish puts inside Alex's mouth]'' Fire in the hole. ''[closes the Alex's mouth and chews]'' Now chew. Chew like you mean it! Savor it. :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. :'''Marty''': And? :'''Gloria''': Well? :'''Melman''': Pretty good, right? :'''King Julien''': There's always Plan B. ''[Mort laughs]'' :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. This is better than steak. I love it! I love it! :'''Skipper''': The kitty loves the fishy. ''[Kowalski and Private got a high-5 as everyone cheers]'' :'''Marty''': Well, I propose a toast. Now, he may be a pain in the butt at times... And trust me, I know. But this cat proved to me without a doubt that his heart is bigger than his stomach. To Alex. :'''Everyone''': To Alex! :''[Everyone spits out their seawater after drinking it]'' :'''King Julien''': Enough! Stop it! :'''Marty''': Well, what do you guys think? Should we head back to New York? :'''Alex''': I don't know, Marty. I mean, this is your dream. You sure you want to leave? :'''Marty''': I don't care where we are. As long as we're together, it doesn't matter to me. :'''Alex''': Well, in that case... ''[turns to Rico]'' Yo. Rico. I'll take 300 orders to go! :'''Rico''': Hai. :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. But before you leave, I have an announcement to make. So shut up, everyone, please. Thank you. After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home. ''[presents Alex with his crown]'' And to make you feel good, I'm gonna give you this lovely parting gift. :'''Alex''': Oh, no, really. I can't take your crown. :'''King Julien''': That's OK, I've got a bigger crown! It's got a gecko on it! Look at him shake! Go, Stevie, go! ===Scene 19: The Boat=== :'''Alex''': ''[waving to the lemurs]'' Bye, little fuzz buckets! :'''Gloria''': Thanks for everything! :'''Marty''': Bye! :'''Alex''': So long! :'''King Julien''': Okay, bye-bye, now. :'''Marty''': Arrivederci. :'''King Julien''': Bye-bye. :'''Maurice''': Toodle-oo! :'''Mort''': Bye! Goodbye! :'''King Julien''': See you later, crocodile. Maurice, my arm is tired. Wave it for me. Faster, you naughty little monkey! :'''Alex''': You know, by the time we get to New York, it’s gonna be the middle of winter. So I was just thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few side stops along the way? :'''Marty''': Maybe Paris. :'''Gloria''': Ooh! You just read my mind. :'''Alex''': I was thinking Spain. :'''Marty''': Yeah. Run with the bulls. :'''Gloria''': What about Fiji? :'''Melman''': Ooh! Canada. Can we? Cheap meds. Eh? Tsk, tsk. :'''Alex''': You know, I wouldn't even mind coming back here sometime. :'''Melman''': Yeah, I could do that. :'''Gloria''': You could say that again. I always wanted to go to Australia. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Private''': Skipper! Don't you think we should tell them that the boat's out of gas? :'''Skipper''': Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. ''[they wave at them, then cuts to the credits.]'' ===Scene 20: End Credits=== :''[In the post-credits scene, “I Like To Move It Move It” with every character dancing; The Gloria statue from Alex's Candy man dream shows up, but the sparkle is red & the glass stars are red too, ending the movie. The DWA 2004-2010 logo is shown, then cuts to black]'' == Taglines == * Someone's got a zoo loose. * They were not born in the wild. They were shipped there. * "Kitty misses the city." (Alex tagline) * "Black, white, and out of sight." (Marty tagline) * "On vacation without medication." (Melman tagline) * "Ton on the run." (Gloria tagline) * "They're cute. They're cuddly. They're deranged." (Lemurs tagline) * "It's all some kind of whacked out conspiracy." (Skipper tagline) == Cast == * [[w:Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]] — Alex * [[w:Chris Rock|Chris Rock]] — Marty * [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] — Melman * [[w:Jada Pinkett Smith|Jada Pinkett Smith]] — Gloria * [[w:Tom McGrath|Tom McGrath]] — Skipper * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Kowalski * [[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Private * [[w:Jeffrey Katzenberg|Jeffrey Katzenberg]] — Rico * [[w:Sacha Baron Cohen|Sacha Baron Cohen]] — King Julien * [[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Maurice * [[w:Andy Richter|Andy Richter]] — Mort * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Mason * [[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]] — Nana == See also == * [[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa|''Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa'']] * [[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted|''Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted'']] * [[The Penguins of Madagascar]] ** [[Penguins of Madagascar|''Penguins of Madagascar'' (film)]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0351283|title=Madagascar}} {{Madagascar}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2005 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2005 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Madagascar]] [[Category:Animated films set in New York City]] [[Category:Animated films set in Madagascar]] [[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]] [[Category:Animated films about lions]] [[Category:Animated films about penguins]] [[Category:Animated films about zebras]] [[Category:Animated films about giraffes]] [[Category:Animated films about hippopotamuses]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] 1a3b76ccm2w8gb1nwrnkmcrpbjqxacj 3954233 3954231 2026-06-18T17:48:27Z ~2026-19144-48 3305849 /* Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream */ 3954233 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} {{italic title}} [[File:Madagascar logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]''''' is a [[w:2005 in film|2005 animated film]] about four [[w:Central Park Zoo|Central Park Zoo]] animals who have spent their lives in blissful captivity and are unexpectedly shipped back to Africa, becoming shipwrecked on the island of [[w:Madagascar|Madagascar]]. It was followed by ''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' and ''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'', as well as a spin-off focused on the penguins, ''[[Penguins of Madagascar]]''. :''Directed by [[w:Eric Darnell|Eric Darnell]] and [[w:Tom McGrath (animator)|Tom McGrath]]. Written by [[w:Mark Burton (writer)|Mark Burton]], [[w:Billy Frolick|Billy Frolick]], Eric Darnell, and Tom McGrath.'' {{center|'''Someone's got a zoo loose.'''<small>[[#Taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} ==Dialogue== ===Scene 1: Opening Credits/Marty's Dream=== :''[In the beginning, the island of Madagascar appears in a daydream. A zebra yells like Tarzan and jumps out the vine after swinging it. The choir penguins in their black bowties singing [[Born Free]] by John Barry and they fly. He runs and jumps to the water in slow motion. A lion appears, sneaking towards the zebra as almost in the middle of a dream, he jumps up snapping him out of his dream, and the music stops.]'' :''[first lines]'' :'''Alex''': Surprise! :'''Marty''': ''[screams, falls from treadmill and crashes into a fence]'' Alex! Do not interrupt me when I'm daydreaming! When a zebra's in the zone, leave him alone. :'''Alex''': Come on, Marty. Just wanted to wish you a happy birthday! :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Hey, man, thanks! :'''Alex''': ''[expresses pain on the right side of his jaw]'' Oh! Ah! Oh! Hey, um... I got s – I got something stuck in my teeth. It's driving me crazy! Can you help me out here? Please? :'''Marty''': Ah! You came to the right place, my friend. Doctor Marty, D.D.S., is in the house! Please hop on top of my sterilized examination table, if you may. ''[Alex opens the mouth, but can't see anything, because it's dark]'' I don't see anything. :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' It's on the left. :'''Marty''': Ow! :'''Alex''': ''[muffled]'' Oh, sorry. :'''Marty''': OK, just don't talk with your mouth full. ''[Alex nods]'' Aha! Right here. What the heck is this doing in there? :'''Alex''': Happy birthday! :'''Marty''': Aww! Hey, thanks, man! You put it in behind the tooth. You all right. :'''Alex''': These aren't even on the shelf yet. Here! Check it out. Check it out! Look at that. Ooh! Look at that! Ooh! :'''Marty''': Look at that. It's snowing. :'''Alex''': 10 years old, huh? A decade. Double digits. The big 1-O! You don't like it? :'''Marty''': No, no, it's great! :'''Alex''': You hate it. Ugh! I should've gotten you the Alex alarm clock. That's the one. That's the big seller. :'''Marty''': No, no! No. The present's great, really. It's just that another year's come and gone, and I'm still doing the same old thing. "Stand over here. Trot over there. Eat some grass. Walk back over here." :'''Alex''': I see your problem. :'''Marty''': Maybe I should go to law school. :'''Alex''': You just need to break out of that boring routine. :'''Marty''': How? :'''Alex''': Throw out the old act. Get out there! Who knows what you're gonna do? Make it up as you go along. Ad lib, improvise, on the fly. Boom, boom, boom! :'''Marty''': Really? :'''Alex''': You know, make it fresh. :'''Marty''': Fresh, huh? OK. I could do fresh. :'''Alex''': Works for me. :''[Earth, Wind and Fire's "Boogie Wonderland" plays as the statue monkeys ring the bell at the front of the zoo ring at the zoo's opening hour. The People are coming! Alex bursts with excitement about them.]'' :'''Alex''': Here come the people, Marty! Oh, I love the people! It's fun people fun time! Whoo! ''[Hops into Gloria the Hippo's habitat and tap dances on her butt]'' Let's go, Gloria! Up and at 'em! We're open! :'''Gloria''': ''[yawning]'' What day is it? :'''Alex''': It's Friday! Field trip day! Dadadadada! Boom! Let’s go! Come on! :'''Gloria''': Yes, it's field trip day. Let's get up and go... ''[falls asleep again]'' in 10 more minutes. :''[ricocheting off a lamppost, Alex arrives at the roof of Melman's pen. Melman is a timid giraffe with constant health problems, or so he thinks]'' :'''Alex''': Come on! ''[sings in Conga style]'' Melman, Melman, Melman! Melman, Melman, Melman! Wake up! Rise and shine! It's another fabulous morning in the Big Apple. Let's go! :'''Melman''': ''[scoffs]'' Not for me. I'm calling in sick. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Melman''': I found a brow-- Another brown spot on my shoulder. Right here. See? Right th-- Right there. You see? :'''Alex''': Melman, you know it's all in your head. Hmm? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kids and adults burst through the zoo gates eager to view the animals and Alex.]'' :'''Kid''': Let's go! Come on! :''[As rushed parents threw away their coffee cups in the trash, Mason the chimp yawns, retrieves a newspaper, a half-empty coffee cup, and a bagel and returns to his roommate Phil, a mute chimp who doesn't speak.]'' :'''Mason''': Phil! Wake up, you filthy monkey. ''[Mason gives Phil his coffee while he reads the newspaper and eats his bagel. Meanwhile, Marty prepares to give his audience something special for his birthday.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Oh, I'm going to be fresh. Straight out the ground. Tasty fresh! Freshalicious. ''[sips some water and spits it out]'' [[wikipedia:Ziploc|Ziploc]] fresh. :''[an eager crowd awaits outside Alex's rock as they wait for their king to emerge]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, the Central Park Zoo proudly presents... :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[backstage Alex prepares himself for another day of people pleasing]'' :'''Alex''': Oh! Show them the cat! Who's the cat? Whoo! :'''Announcer''': ...the King of New York City. :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': It's showtime! ''[simultaneously as Alex emerges and turns on the fan blowing his mane]'' :''[Alex emerges on his rock and lets out his signature roar.]'' :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[Crowds go wild! This is what he lived for! The cameraman takes pictures of him. Meanwhile, folks gather around Marty's pen to see his act.]'' :'''Marty''': Gather around, people. Big show about to start. Check out the zebra taking care of biz. That's right. :''[sucking up some water, Marty performs impossibly impressive water tricks with his mouth then sprays at 3 adults.]'' :'''Children''': Yay!!!!! :''[This amazes the kids and attracts photographers to take pictures of him. A series of pictures show Gloria swimming tricks and Melman's MRI and medication treatments.]'' ===Scene 2: The Penguins=== :''[On another side of the zoo, the four penguin brothers who are also agents, Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, and Private are plotting something of their mission...]'' :'''Skipper''': Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. Kowalski, progress report! :''[Kowalski, the brains of the group, emerges from a hole dug out previously by the penguins]'' :'''Kowalski''': We're only 500 feet from the main sewer line. :'''Skipper''': And the bad news? :'''Kowalski''': We've broken our last shovel. ''[shows a broken spoon]'' :'''Skipper''': Right... ''[turns to his weapon specialist Rico]'' Rico, you're on litter patrol. We need shovels, and find more Popsicle sticks. We don't want to risk another cave-in. ''[Rico jumps in the pool]'' :''[Private, the youngest of the group, perks up]'' :'''Private''': And me, Skipper? :'''Skipper''': I want you to look cute and cuddly, Private. Today we're gonna blow this dump. :'''Woman''': Come here. Come here. Come on, penguin. :''[Rico snatches a plastic spoon from a boy eating his frozen yogurt. Marty, meanwhile at sunset, impresses his last fans by making fart noises with his arm pits.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:City of stone - Flickr - Stiller Beobachter.jpg|thumb|"What continent is this?" <br> "[[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]".]] [[File:Bronx Zoo Little Blue Penguin Habitat.jpg|thumb|Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]].]] :'''Marty''': Yeah! You don't see that on Animal Planet! Ha-ha. ''[mesmerized kids are hauled away by disgusted and confused parents]'' Well, show's over, folks. Thanks for coming. I hope you thought it was FRESH! I'll be here all week. In fact, I'll be here for my whole life. 365 days a year, including Christmas, Hanukkah, Halloween, Kwanzaa. Please don't forget to never spay or neuter your pets. ''[throws; after sips on his beverage]'' And tip your cabbie, because he's broke. :''[A quartet of penguins dig up to the section of a zebra named Marty. One penguin, seemingly the leader, talks to him]'' :'''Skipper''': You, quadruped! ''[In German]'' Sprechen sie Englisch? :'''Marty''': I sprechen. :'''Skipper''': What continent is this? :'''Marty''': [[w:Manhattan|Manhattan]]. :'''Skipper''': Hoover Dam! We're still in New York. ''[the penguins down the hole]'' Abort! Dive! Dive! Dive! :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! You in the tux! Wait a minute! ''[the penguins up the hole]'' What are you guys doing? :'''Private''': We're digging to Antarctica. ''[Skipper slaps him]'' :'''Marty''': Ant-''who''-tica? :'''Skipper''': Can you keep a secret, my monochromatic friend? ''[Marty looks around before nodding]'' Do you ever see any penguins walking free around New York City? ''[Marty shakes his head "no"]'' Of course not. We don't belong here, it's just not natural. This is all some kind of whacked-out conspiracy. We're going to the wide open spaces of [[w:Antarctica|Antarctica]]. To the wild! ''[the four high five each other as Skipper slaps Private again.]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? You could actually go there? That sounds great. ''[before he can thank them, the four have already gone down the hole]'' Hey, hold up! Where is this place?! ''[Muffled]'' Tell me where it is! ''[Skipper alone emerges from the hole pushing his face]'' :'''Skipper''': You didn't see anything... Right? :'''Marty''': Yes, sir! Oh! Uh, I'm sorry. No, sir. ''[Skipper dives back into the hole and seals the hole entrance with Marty's cup]'' :'''Announcer''': For his final appearance of the day, the king of New York City. Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': '''''ROOOOAAARRR!!!!!''''' :''[And the bells are ringing, because it's time to go home and close the Zoo.]'' :'''Alex''': Thank you. Thank you very much. You guys are great. You're a great crowd. Give yourselves a hand, huh? Thank you. ''[underpants flies in his face]'' Oh. Thank you. Oh! Well. Thank you. Oh, that's too kind. Too kind. ''[sling shoots the I Heart (Love) NY undies by accident, which land on Melman's nose]'' :'''Melman''': Ah! Underpants!!! :'''Alex''': ''[humans leave the zoo]'' Everybody get home safe. Hey! Check out my Website. 24 hour Alex Cam. Watch me sleep. ===Scene 3: Marty's 10th birthday begins=== [[File:Busy Grand Central Station in the Afternoon.jpg|thumb|Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north?]] :''[Dusk hits the zoo while closing, and the staff roams the zoo with a band of chefs and groomers to relax the exhausted animals of their hard work. Marty gets his hooves polished like shoes and receives a fresh patch of green grass from the chef as a birthday meal.]'' :'''Gloria''': This is the life. ''[Gloria receives a wide variety of fruit for her meal while drying in a big towel and polish nails for a massage.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[Melman is still getting medical treatment]'' That's the spot. ''[a chef reveals a tray full of medications and vitamins to make him feel better]'' Oh! I'm in heaven. :''[Alex seems to get the most treatment out of all the animals and receives mane grooming, nail trimming, and a full pack of steak meal which he devours in a number of seconds leaving a bone. And later that night, the four friends gather through a small party to celebrate Marty's 10th birthday]'' :'''Gloria''': Ooh, it's Marty's birthday! :'''Alex''': Just rip it open. Come on! :'''Marty''': What is it? What is it? :'''Gloria''': Come on. Open it up. What you get? What you get? What you get? :'''Marty''': Yeah! A thermometer. Thanks. I love it, Melman. I love it. ''[puts it in his mouth with style]'' :'''Melman''': Yeah, I wanted to give you something personal. You know, that was my first rectal thermometer. :'''Marty''': Mother–! ''[Marty proceeds to gag at the thought and spits out the thermometer while licking his tongue]'' :'''Melman''': I'm gonna miss that bad boy. :'''Alex''': Okay. Get the cake. Melman, come on. ''[Melman blows the party noisemaker]'' :'''Everyone but Marty''': ''[humming, in barber shop quartet-style]'' :'''Alex''': Happy :'''Gloria''': birth- :'''Melman''': day :'''Alex''': to :'''Gloria''': you. :'''Alex''': You :'''Melman''': live :'''Gloria''': in :'''Alex''': a zoo. :'''Gloria''': You :'''Melman''': look :'''Alex''': like a :'''Melman''': mon- :'''Alex''': key. :'''Melman''': ''[holds long note]'' Aaaaand :'''Alex''': you smell :'''Gloria''': like   :'''Melman''': one :'''Everyone''': too! ''[laughs]'' :'''Mason''': ''[He spits holding tea cup]'' I say! ''[Phil smells his armpits and faints]'' :'''Marty''': Aw, well, now, you guys are just embarrassing me. And yourselves. :'''Alex''': What are you talking about? We worked on that all week. :'''Gloria''': Let's go. Let's make a wish, baby-cakes. ''[Marty blows out the candle shaped like a 10 then takes a delicious bite of the cake]'' :'''Alex''': Come on. What'd you wish for? :'''Marty''': Nope. Can't tell you that. :'''Alex''': Come on. Tell. :'''Marty''': No, siree. I'm telling you, it's bad luck. You want some bad luck, I'll blab it out. But if you want to be safe, I'll keep my mouth shut. :'''Gloria''': Oh, for crying out loud, Marty. Would you just tell us? I mean, really. What could happen? :'''Marty''': OK. I wished... I could go... <big>'''''to the wild!'''''</big> :'''Alex''': The wild?! ''Whoa!! [falls over]'' :''[Melman swallows the noisemaker and chokes, Gloria shocks, Alex thuds and drops his steak]'' :'''Marty''': I told you it was bad luck. :''[Then Gloria tries to get the noisemaker out of Melman's throat]'' :'''Alex''': The wild? Are you nuts? That is the worst idea I've ever heard. :'''Melman''': ''[coughs]'' It's unsanitary. :'''Marty''': The penguins are going. So why can't I? :'''Alex''': The penguins are psychotic. :'''Marty''': Come on. Just imagine going back to nature. Back to your roots, clean air, wide open spaces! :'''Gloria''': Well, I hear they have wide-open spaces in Connecticut. :'''Marty''': Connecticut? :'''Melman''': Yeah. What you got to do is, you got to go over to Grand Central. Then you got to take the Metro-North train... north? :'''Marty''': So one could take the train? Just hypothetically. :'''Alex''': Marty, come on. What would Connecticut have to offer us? :'''Melman''': Lyme disease. :'''Alex''': Thank you, Melman. :'''Marty''': No, no, really! Really, I just want... :'''Alex''': This is a highly refined type of food thing that you do not find in the wild. :'''Marty''': You ever thought there might be more to life than steak, Alex? :'''Alex''': ''[stares at his steak]'' He didn't mean that, baby. No-no-no. :'''Marty''': Doesn't it bother you guys that you don't know anything about life outside this zoo? :'''Melman''': Nuh-uh. Nope. :'''Gloria''': Mm-mm. :'''Alex''': Well, I mean, come on. That's just one subject. You got a little, uh, schmutz right there on your... ''[eats his steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[Sighs and uses a napkin to clean his mouth]'' Thanks, guys. Thanks for the party. It was great. Really. ''[Alex spits a bone and drops it as Marty uses the treadmill]'' :'''Melman''': What's eating him? :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Maybe you should talk to him, Alex. You know, go over there and give him a little pep talk. :'''Alex''': Hey, I already gave him a snow globe. I can't top that. :'''Gloria''': ''[sighs]'' Alex… :'''Melman''': I can see where this is going. ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[whispered]'' Come on. He's your best friend. :'''Alex''': All right, all right. OK. :'''Gloria''': Night, Marty. :'''Marty''': Night, Glo. :''[Gloria backflips into her pool. Alex takes out an umbrella to avoid the chlorine]'' ===Scene 4: The Talk of the Wild/Marty's Gone=== [[File:Task Force Guardian - Flickr - The National Guard (1).jpg|thumb|"Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild."<br>"Helicopter."]] :'''Alex''': Ahhh… what a day. I mean, just really, really I mean I tell you, it just doesn't get any better than this, you know? ''[short pause, Alex sees a star]'' Ooh! It just did. Even the star's out. Not going to find a star like that in the wild. :'''Marty''': Helicopter. ''[A star, which turns out to be a helicopter, flies away.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. Buddy. Listen. Everybody has days when they think the grass might be greener somewhere else. :'''Marty''': Alex. Look at me. I'm 10 years old. My life is half over. And I don't even know if I'm black with white stripes... or white with black stripes. :'''Alex''': Marty. I'm thinking of a song. :'''Marty''': Alex. Please. Not now. :'''Alex''': Oh, yes. It's a wonderful song. I think you're familiar with it. ♪ Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da da da da da! Da! ♪ :'''Marty''': Oh, no. Oh, no, you don't. No, no, no. I'm not listening! Lalalalalalalalalalala! :'''Alex''': ♪ Start spreadin' the news ♪ :'''Marty''': I don't know you! :'''Alex''': ♪ I'm leaving today! We are a great big part of it ♪ :'''Marty''': ''[laughs]'' He's funny. Who is that? :'''Alex''': Come on. You know you know the words. Two little words. :'''Marty''': New York. :'''Both''': ♪ New York! ♪ :'''Bird''': Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Hey, I'm sleeping here! We're not all nocturnal, you know!! :'''Marty''': Hey, I'll knock your "turnal" right off, pal. :'''Snake''': Yeah, you and what army, stripes? :'''Alex''': You mess with him, you mess with me, Howard! :'''Marty''': Ah ha ha ha! :'''Unknown Animal''': You're a bigmouth lion! :'''Alex''': See? Mr. Grumpy Stripes! We make a great team, the two of us. :'''Marty''': We sure do. No doubt about it. :'''Alex''': So, what are you going to do? Just go running off to the wild by yourself? :'''Marty''': No. :'''Alex''': Good. :'''Marty''': You and me. Let's go. :'''Alex''': What? :'''Marty''': The wild. Come on. You and me together. It's a straight shot down Fifth Avenue to Grand Central. We'll grab a train, we'll head north. We can be back by morning. No one will ever know. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' You're joking. Right? :'''Marty''': ''[chuckles]'' Yeah. I'm joking. Of course I'm joking. Give me a break. Like we're going to get a train. :'''Alex''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh. ''[sighs]'' Don't do that. You really had me worried there. :'''Marty''': ''[yawning]'' Oh, well. I guess I'll hit the sack. :'''Alex''': Yeah, me too. I'll need to rest my voice for tomorrow. It's Seniors' Day, you know. Have to roar extra loud. Give them a little jolt! You know what I’m talking about? :'''Marty''': Good night, Ally Al. :'''Alex''': ''[sighs and claps twice to turn on the red light and hears a bird]'' Oh. They forgot to turn off the ambiance again! :'''Marty''': Don't worry. It's cool. You know, I got it. ''[kicks the speaker, shooing the bird away as it now turns to the sounds of the Police]'' :'''Alex''': Ah. Much better. ''[2 hours later; sleep talking]'' Come on now, baby. My little filet. My little filet mignon with a little fat around the edges. I like that. I like a little fat on my steak. My sweet, juicy steak. You are a rare delicacy. :'''Melman''': Alex. Alex. Alex? Alex. Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? What? :'''Melman''': You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': ''[sighs]'' What is it, Melman? :'''Melman''': Okay, okay. ''[sighs]'' You know how I have that bladder infection and I have to get up every two hours? Well, I got up to pee, um, and I looked over at Marty's pen, which, you know, I usually don't do. I don't know why, but I did. And this time I looked over and... :'''Alex''': What, Melman? What's going on? :'''Melman''': It's Marty. He's gone. :'''Alex''': Gone?! ''[hits his head]'' Agh! What do you mean "gone"?! :'''Melman''': How long has he been working on this?! ''[looks into the hole the penguins dug]'' Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': ''[enters for the scene]'' He wouldn't fit down there. :'''Alex''': ''[tries to look for Marty in the haystacks, noticing that he isn't there]'' Marty? Marty?! Marty!! Marty!!! :'''Gloria''': This doesn't make any sense. Where would he go? :'''Alex''': ''[horrified; after short pause] CONNECTICUT!!'' :'''Gloria''': He wouldn't. :'''Melman''': Oh, no! What are we going to do? We gotta-- we gotta-- I mean, we gotta-- we gotta-- we gotta call somebody! :'''Alex''': ''[Gasps as he runs to a payphone and dials 911]'' Hello?! Get me Missing Animals!! And hurry! We've got a lost zebra probably on the way to Connecticut by now, and we're gonna need...!! :''[Cut to 911 dispatch office; the operator only hears Alex roaring on speaker.]'' :'''911 Operator''': ''[takes off headset in confusion]'' Hello? ''[cut to zoo; on speaker]'' Hello? :'''Alex''': ''[notices a mistake]'' Wait a second. We can't call the people. :'''911 Operator''': What the…?! :'''Alex''': ''[hangs up, then nervously looks at the phone booth for a second before ripping it out, and throws it on the ground]'' They'll be really mad! It'll get Marty transferred for good. You don't bite the hand that feeds you. :'''Gloria''': Mm-hmm. I know that's right. :'''Alex''': We got to go after him. :'''Melman''': Go after him? :'''Alex''': He's not thinking straight. We got to stop him from making for the biggest mistake of his life. He's probably out there lost and cold, confused. ''[sighs; sadly]'' Poor little guy. ===Scene 5: Marty in New York=== :''[The Bee Gees's Stayin’ Alive is playing while Marty walks through New York. Cut to Melman, Alex, and Gloria have just escaped the zoo. Melman helps Alex to hang his neck and Alex falls down to land. Gloria bashes the outside wall from the zoo.]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, come on! :'''Melman''': You know, maybe one of us should wait here in case he comes back. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no. Not now. This is an intervention, Melman. We all got to go. :'''Alex''': What's the fastest way to Grand Central?! :'''Melman''': Ooh! You should take Lexington. :'''Gloria''': Melman!! :'''Melman''': Okay. "''We''". We should take Lexington. :'''Alex''': What about Park? :'''Melman''': No, Park goes 2 ways. You can't time the lights. :'''Mason''': ''[Mason and Phil have just escaped the zoo]'' I heard [[w:Tom Wolfe|Tom Wolfe]]'s speaking at Lincoln Center. ''[Phil signs frantically]'' Well, of course we're going to throw poo at him. :''[Marty does ice skating then falls. Cut to Alex, Gloria, and Melman at the Subway train station]'' :'''Alex''': I knew we should've taken Park. Are you sure this is the fastest way to Grand Central Station? :'''Gloria''': I don't know! That's what Melman said! :'''Melman''': Hey. Hey, you, guys. That room has some nifty little sinks you can wash up in and look! ''[sticks out his tongue with a urinal cake on it]'' Free mints! :'''Alex''': This isn't a field trip, Melman! This is an urgent mission to save Marty from throwing his life away! Now, where's the train? :'''Melman''': Ah. Here it comes. ''[He hears the train and looks to the other side, screaming he tumbles backwards as the train's horn blares before it hits him!]'' :'''Gloria''': What did Marty say to you?! I asked you to talk to him! :'''Alex''': I did! I did! ''[Melman puts the urinal cake back in his mouth]'' I don't understand! He said, "Let's go!" And I said, "What are you, crazy?" And he says, "I'm ten years old!" And he is black with white stripes, and so then we sang and… ''[The train doors open; people scream and run away thinking they're getting attacked by the animals; The train doors close]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Police Horse''': What you got to do is go straight back down West 42nd. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. :'''Police Horse''': It's on your left after Vanderbilt. :'''Marty''': Okay. :'''Police Horse''': If you hit the Chrysler Building, you've gone too far. :'''Marty''': Uh-huh. Thanks a lot, officer. ''[walks]'' :'''Police Horse''': Hey! ''[Marty looks back]'' Wait for the light! ''[Marty walks backwards a bit while realizing his mistake]'' Freak. :'''Police radio''': Did you say "zebra"? :'''Police Officer''': Yeah, yeah, that's right. A zebra. Right in front of me. Can I shoot it? :'''Police radio''': Negative. :'''Police Officer''': Then I'm going to need some backup. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On the subway, Alex and his gang are sitting as Alex sees a frightened man reading his newspaper about a basketball game between Golden State Warriors and New York Knicks at Madison Square Garden.]'' :'''Alex''': ''[reads the frightened man's sports paper then roars]'' Aww! Knicks lost again. :'''Melman''': What are you going to do? :'''Conductor''': Grand Central Station. :'''Alex''': Did that just say "Grand Central Station" or "my aunt's constipation"? :'''Gloria''': This is it. ===Scene 6: Grand Central Station/Alex's Dream=== [[File:Grand Central NYPD.jpg|thumb|We've been ratted out, boys.]] :'''Marty''': Grand Central Station. It's ''grand'' and it's ''central''. :''[At the subway, the man's playing a drum set; the train doors open; Alex is running with Gloria and preparing to tackle Marty, while Melman tries to run.]'' :'''Melman''': ''[squeezes his head out of the train doors]'' Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! ''[head pops out and hits the ceiling sign and destroys a man's drum set while he hits the cymbal]'' :'''Alex''': ''[more people screaming and running away]'' Move aside. We have an emergency here. This is an emergency situation. Hey, hey. Just chill out. It's not that big of an emergency. ''[Nana hits him with her handbag three times]'' Hey! Hey! Would you? Hey! Yaaaagh! Ooh! :'''Nana''': Upstairs, downstairs! ''[kicks Alex's crotch, then sprays in his eyes]'' How do you like that?! Yahh!! :'''Alex''': Lady! What is wrong with you?! ''[Nana hits him twice]'' Ow! Get a grip on yourselves, people! :'''Nana''': You're a bad kitty. :'''Announcer in the Grand Central''': The next train to Connecticut has been… :'''Marty''': ''[angrily, as the train to Connecticut departs]'' Dagnabbit! I missed the express! ''[then calms himself down for another plan]'' Looks like I’m gonna have to take the Stamford local. ''[Suddenly, Alex tackles in victorious]'' Aah! :'''Alex''': I got him! I've got him! :'''Gloria''': He's got him! :'''Melman''': He's got him! He's got him! He's got... Aaagh! :'''Nana''': I got something for you! ''[hits Melman with her bag, not realizing the damage she caused]'' :'''Melman''': Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[crashes into a clock that reads 12:21 AM]'' I'm OK. I'm OK. I'm OK. :'''Marty''': Whoa! What are you guys doing here? :'''Alex''': Oh! I am so glad we found you. :'''Gloria''': We were so... worried about you. :'''Marty''': Don't worry, I'm fine, I'm fine. Look at me. I'm fine. :'''Alex''': You're fine? Oh, he's fine. Oh! Great. Hey, you hear that? Marty's fine. Ah. That's good to know. 'Cause I was just wondering, uh... ''[now becomes desperate, disappointed, frustrated and grabs Marty by force about the escape from the zoo without permission] <big><big>'''How could you do this to us, Marty?! I thought we were your friends!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[weakly] '''What's the big deal?! I was coming back in the morning!!!''''' :'''Alex''': Don't you ever do this again!! Do you hear me?! :'''Gloria''': Do you hear him?! :'''Melman''': ''[with the clock on his head]'' Guys? We're running out of time! :'''Gloria''': Oh, Melman, you broke their clock?! :'''Alex''': Do you even realize what you've put us through?!?! Don't you ever... do this again!!! ''Don't you ever, ever do this again!!! [Grand Central Station goes dark; the spotlights has turned on as the Police and Firemen are called]'' :'''Gloria''': Don't-- '''''Come here!!''''' ''[grunting and panting as she tries to remove the broken clock off Melman's head until the police came to stop them while Skipper and his agents are reading a newspaper]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[frustrated before the friends raise their flippers]'' We've been ratted out, boys. :'''Police''': Hold your fire! ''[The police officers, the other federal forces, firefighters, drummer and Nana surrounding Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Skipper''': ''[happily while walking back with his friends]'' Cute and cuddly, boys. Cute and cuddly. :''[Mason and Phil, disguised in a trench coat, have bought tickets, only for many guns to point at them.]'' :'''Mason''': ''[to Phil]'' If you have any poo, fling it now. :''[Cut back to Grand Central Station with the police officers and the other federal forces confronting Alex and the gang.]'' :'''Marty''': ''[whispers]'' It's the man. ''[loudly]'' Good evening, officers! :'''Alex''': No. No. Nope. You don't talk now. OK? You're not good with "putting words together and they're coming out good" thing. ''[he let the Marty go]'' You keep it "shh"! ''[turns to the people]'' Hey! How you doing? You know what? Everything's cool. We just, uh, had a little situation here. ''[The Police push an Animal Control, but he's frightened of Alex, so the Police use their shields to block the sacredly man's path]'' Little internal situation. Actually, my friend went a little crazy. Happens to everybody. The city gets to us all. Went a little cuckoo in the head. :'''Marty''': Hey! Don't be calling me cuckoo in the head. :'''Alex''': Just shush! I will handle this. Oh! :'''Nana''': ''[walks up and kicks Alex in between the legs]'' <big><big>'''I got him!!!'''</big></big> :'''Police Officers''': ''[He run into view and carry Nana away jail]'' Go, go, go! Right here, please. :'''Alex''': Oh! Would you give a guy a break? ''[moaning]'' We’re just gonna take my little friend here home and… Uh, forget this ever happened. All right? No harm, no foul, right? ''[policemen and animal control feel shocked]'' Oh, no, no, no. Hey, it's cool. It's me, Alex the lion. From the zoo. Rrrr! ''[roars, scaring the people]'' Rrrr! What's the matter with them? ''[gets shot in the butt by a purple tranquilizer dart]'' Ow! Ow… ''[Starts to faint]'' Wow! Whoo! I feel really, really weird. Hey! Aw. I love you guys. ''[in slow motion]'' I love you so much... :''[Sammy Davis Jr.'s [[w:The Candy Man|The Candy Man]] starts to play as the screen becomes kaleidoscopic. Suddenly, it becomes black, save for many Martys and Melmans. The camera pans into the centermost Melman, then his pattern becomes the New York skyline as fireworks go off. Suddenly, Gloria, who is Lady Liberty flies off her pedestal like [[Tinker Bell (film)|Tinker Bell]], and to the viewer, leaving a trail of sparkles that originate from her body. She then hits into the camera with her torch like a wand, turning the screen into glass shatter stars that fly to the screen.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''News Reporter''': Last night's dramatic incident in Grand Central is an example of what animal rights wackos have been shouting for years: The animals clearly don't belong in captivity. Now they are to be sent back to their natural habitat, where they will live their lives in the freedom they so clearly desire. :'''Alex''': ''[Groaning, sticks out his hand weakly]'' Hey, little help? :'''Guard''': ''[audience screams and runs away]'' He's awake! '''''He's awake!!!!''''' :'''Guard #2''': ''[screams]'' :'''News Reporter''': ''[the Guards shoot more tranquilizer darts with different colors off-screen, the blue one lands in the middle of his hand while the human hits the street lamp, faints and crawls away] '''Do something!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': [[Dora the Explorer|Oh, man]]. :''[Alex's Candy Man hallucination sequence plays again, but unfortunately this time, it’s high-pitched and sped up]'' ===Scene 7: The Boat to Kenya=== [[File:Madagascar, lever de soleil sur l'océan indien.4.jpg|thumb|Does anybody feel nauseous?]] :'''Alex''': ''[his eyes glow in the dark; groaning]'' Oh, my head... ''[bumps his head on the top of his crate]'' Oh! Ah! ''[the crate lights has turned on automatically]'' What the…? Wait. ''[searches inside for the crate]'' Where…? What…? I'm in a box! Oh, no. No, no! Not the box. Oh, no, they can't transfer me! NOT ME! ''[panting]'' Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. Darkness creeping in. Can't breathe. Can't breathe. Walls closing in around me. ''[whimpering]'' So alone. So alone. :'''Marty''': ''[his eyes open]'' Alex! Alex, are you there? :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Yeah! Talk to me, buddy. :'''Alex''': ''[relieved]'' Oh, Marty! You're here! :'''Marty''': What's going on? Are you OK? :'''Alex''': This doesn't look good, Marty. :'''Gloria''': ''[her eyes open]'' Alex? ''[the crate lights have turned on automatically]'' Marty, is that you? :'''Marty''': Gloria! :'''Alex''': You're here, too! :'''Marty''': I am loving the sound of your voice! :'''Gloria''': What is going on? :'''Alex''': We're all in crates! ''[Melman opens his eyes]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, no! Wha…? :'''Melman''': ''[the crate lights turn on automatically]'' Oh… sleeping just knocks me out. :'''Gloria''': Melman! :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Marty''': Is that Melman? :'''Gloria''': Are you OK? :'''Melman''': Yeah. No, I’m fine. ''[yawning]'' I often doze off while I'm getting an MRI. :'''Alex''': Melman, you're not getting an MRI. :'''Melman''': CAT scan? :'''Alex''': No! No CAT scan! It's a transfer. It's a zoo transfer! :'''Melman''': ZOO TRANSFER?! Oh, no! No, no, I can't be transferred. I have an appointment with Dr. Goldberg at 5:00. :'''Gloria''': Melman. Melman! Calm down, Melman. Relax. :'''Marty''': Melman. Calm down, Melman. :'''Melman''': There are prescriptions that have to be filled! No other zoo can afford my medical care! And I am ''not'' going HMO! :'''Marty''': Take it easy, Melman. It's going to be okay. We are going to be okizay. :'''Alex''': No, Marty. We're not gonna be "okizay". Now, because of you, we're ruined! :'''Marty''': Because of me? I, I fail to see how this is my fault. :'''Gloria''': You're kidding, right, Marty? :'''Alex''': You! You ticked off the people. You bit the hand, Marty. You bit the hand! ''[mimicking Marty]'' "I don't know who I am! I don't know who I am. I got to go find myself in the wild!" Oh, please. :'''Marty''': Hey, hey! I did not ask you to come after me, did I? :'''Melman''': He does have a point. :'''Alex''': What?! :'''Melman''': I ''did'' say we should stay at the zoo, but you guys-- ''[fades to outside of the boxes]'' :'''Alex''': Melman, just shut it! You're the one who suggested this whole idea to him in the first place. :'''Gloria''': Alex! Leave Melman out of this, please? :'''Melman''': Thank you, Gloria. Besides, Alex, that's not my fault that we were transferred! :'''Gloria''': Melman, shut it. Does anybody feel nauseous? :'''Melman''': I feel nauseous. :'''Alex''': Melman, you always feel nauseous. :''[Horn blares from the freighter]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Kenya w1 locator.svg|thumb|Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"!]] :''[The penguins are being transferred; Kowalski is looking for the label on their crate.]'' :'''Skipper''': Progress report. :'''Kowalski''': It's an older code, Skipper. I can't make it out. :''[Skipper notices up the chimps for the crate next to them]'' :'''Skipper''': Hmm... You, higher mammal. :'''Mason''': Hmm? :'''Skipper''': Can you read? :'''Mason''': No. Phil can read, though. Phil! ''[Phil appears; Kowalski gestures towards the label; Phil starts using sign language]'' Hmm... "Ship to Kenya Wildlife Preserve, Africa"! :'''Skipper''': Africa? That ain't gonna fly. Rico! :''[Rico pulled out a paper clip from his mouth, makes a shape that looks like a key and unlocks the crate. The penguins started to attack the guards and infiltrate the captain's deck and knocked him out. They are now in control of the ship as the new crew. Cut to Alex and Marty still arguing inside their crates while fighting.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gloria''': Guys! :'''Alex''': I was the star in the greatest city on Earth! :'''Gloria''': Guys, listen. :'''Alex''': A king! Loved by my people! :'''Gloria''': Okay, look! Let's just be civil. :'''Alex''': And you've ruined everything! :'''Gloria''': Guys, guys! Quit it up there! :'''Marty''': "Loved"? If the people loved you, it's only because they didn't know the real ''you''! :'''Gloria''': Don't make me come up there. I'd get the whooping on both of y'all! :'''Alex''': I thought I knew the real ''you''! Oh, wait, Marty? Your black-and-white stripes? They cancel each other out. OW! You're '''''nothing!!!!''''' :'''Gloria''': Let's-- Let's just talk about it like adults. You’re so scary! :'''Melman''': Stop it! Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it! :'''Gloria''': Hey! Listen. You're not helping the situation! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': Status! :'''Private''': ''[nervously]'' It's no good, Skipper. I don't know the codes. :'''Skipper''': ''[angrily]'' Don't give me excuses! '''''Give me results!!!''''' Navigation. ''[Kowalski tries to investigate, but there's nothing]'' All right. Let me think… ''[The Captain mumbles crying for help]'' …and shut him up!! ''[Rico slaps the Captain]'' :'''Private''': ''[Completes the Override code]'' I did it! :'''Skipper''': ''[Alarm blaring]'' Let's get this tin can turned around! :''[As Kowalski turns the wheel, the boat begins to tilt slowly. The crates started to skid across the deck and towards the rail.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Ow! :'''Gloria''': Oh! :'''Melman''': Ah! :''[Alex peeps out and notices Gloria's box sliding towards his]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh! :''[Gloria crashes into Alex, and the rail breaks, causing the four boxes to fall into the sea, with the animals screaming in terror. The currents start to wash them apart.]'' :'''Alex''': Guys? Oh, no. Gloria! Melman! Marty! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty?! :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! No, wait. Come back, Marty! Don't go. ===Scene 8: Arrive on the Beach=== [[File:Beach Fort Dauphin I.jpg|thumb|Marty! <br> Alex!]] :''[Night falls, Alex is asleep and a wave bumps His Crate as he falls into the mysterious Island that has a jungle and Alex feels scared and lonely and tries to call his friends]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? Melman? Gloria? Marty?! Melman?! Gloria?! Marty! Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Melman! Gloria! Ooh! Ooh! Ah! Ah! Hey, anyone! ''[echoes]'' Hello! ''[The next morning, feels weary; exhausted and calling to his friends]'' Marty, Melman, Gloria. Gloria, Melman, Marty. Marty, Gelman, Gloria. Marty, Melman. Morty, Morty, Gelman. Regis. Kelly. ''[Suddenly, hears a voice]'' Matt, Katie, Al. :'''Melman''': Hey! Whoa! Hey! Help! Whoa! Get me out of this thing. Somebody. Hello? Get me out of this thing right now! Hello? Somebody? :''[Alex goes up close and has found Melman]'' :'''Alex''': Melman! :'''Melman''': Alex? Is that you? :'''Alex''': Melman, I got you. Hang on! Hang on. I got you. ''[bumps his head; dig up from the sand]'' Melman! :'''Melman''': Ow… :'''Alex''': I got you, buddy. :'''Melman''': Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow... Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow! :'''Alex''': Wait a sec, Melman. :'''Melman''': Ow. :'''Alex''': Wait right there. ''[Picks up the branch]'' Aha! :'''Melman''': Alex, what are you doing? :'''Alex''': I'm getting you out of the box. Relax. :'''Melman''': Alex? ''[Gasps]'' :'''Alex''': Giraffe, corner pocket! Here goes nothing! :'''Melman''': Wait, wait, wait! No, come on! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait! :'''Alex''': Hold still! :'''Melman''': Wait, Alex! :'''Alex''': Hold still. Hold still. Hold still. :'''Melman''': No, no, come on. Come on! :'''Alex''': Here I come! ''[yelling]'' :'''Melman''': Look! Look! Look! Look! It's Gloria! It's '''''Gloriaaaaa!!!''''' Oh, hey, it is Gloria. Oh, my... :'''Alex''': Gloria! ''[Knocking the crate door, but Gloria kicks the door, screaming while flies, Melman screaming and crash, his long crate broke into pieces!]'' Gloria! ''[getting hit by a piece right in the heart from his chest]'' Oh! :'''Gloria''': Alrighty, boys, fun's over. :''[The crab and the two starfishes go back into the ocean]'' :'''Alex''': Gloria! :'''Gloria''': ''[takes off the seaweed]'' Alex! :''[Suddenly, while hugging, Alex and Gloria see Marty riding on dolphins to surf]'' :'''Marty''': Whoa! ''[Hawaiian Five-O playing]'' :'''Gloria''': Marty?! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Yeah! All right! That's right! Whoo! Left! Left! Left. No, no, no, no, no, your left! Your left! Your left! Woohoo! Right here's good. You know, I don't really have anything on me right now. I'll have to get you later. ''[Dolphins chattering of saying goodbye]'' Ah-eheheheheh--to you too. :'''Alex''': Marty! Marty! :''["[[w:Chariots of Fire|Chariots of Fire]]" playing]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! :'''Alex''': ''[slow motion]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[slow motion]'' Alex! :'''Alex''': Marty! :'''Marty''': Al! :'''Alex''': ''[firmly]'' Marty! :'''Marty''': ''[confused]'' Alex?.. :'''Alex''': ''[angrily] <big><big>'''MARTY!!!!!!!'''</big></big>'' :'''Marty''': ''[Shocked, fleeing away while realizing that Alex is still furious with him for the zoo transfer] <big><big>'''Oh, sugar honey iced tea!!!'''</big></big>'' :''[Suddenly, Alex starts making it worse]'' :'''Alex''': ''[normal motion]'' <big><big>'''Marty!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[normal motion]'' Hey! Hold up! Hold up! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''I'm going to kill you!!! You come here!!! Don't run away from me!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': Whoa, wait! Wait, wait! Calm down! Calm down! :'''Gloria''': Marty! :'''Alex''': '''Do you think you can keep running?! I'm going to just kill you more!''' :'''Melman''': Marty! :'''Gloria''': Oh, look at us! We're all here together. Safe and sound. :'''Melman''': Yeah, here we are. Where exactly is "here"? ''[Everyone is surprised as they turn while they see many trees of Madagascar, but Melman knows it's...]'' San Diego. :'''Gloria''': San Diego? :'''Melman''': White sandy beaches, cleverly simulated natural environment, wide-open enclosures. I'm telling you, this could be the San Diego Zoo. Complete with fake rocks. ''[tapping a rock]'' Wow! That looks real. :'''Alex''': San Diego? What could be worse than San Diego? :'''Marty''': I don't know. This place is crackalackin'! Oh, I could hang here. I could hang here. :'''Alex''': ''[angrily; starts chasing Marty]'' <big><big>'''I’M GONNA KILL YOU, MARTY!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Take it easy! Take it easy! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''I’m gonna strangle you!!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' Calm down! Calm down! :'''Alex''': ''[angrily]'' <big><big>'''Then bury you, then dig you up and clone you and kill your clones!!!'''</big></big> :'''Marty''': ''[getting chased by Alex]'' 20-second timeout. 20-second timeout. :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''AND THEN I'M NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!!!'''</big></big> :'''Gloria''': ''[grabs Alex]'' <big><big>'''STOP IT!!!'''</big></big> Look. We're just going to find the people, get checked in and have this mess straightened out. :'''Alex''': Oh, great. This is just great. San Diego. Now I'll have to compete with [[w:Shamu|Shamu]] and his smug little grin. I can't top that? Can't top it! I'm ruined! I'm done! I'm out of the business! It's your fault, Marty! You've ruined me! :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex. Do you honestly think I intended all of this to happen? You want me to say that I'm sorry? Is that what you want? OK, I'm... :'''Alex''': Shh! :'''Marty''': He just shushed me. :'''Gloria''': Marty, look. ''[He doesn't want to hear it, right now. So...]'' You've got to be just a little... :'''Alex''': ''[cuts her off]'' Shush! :'''Gloria''': …bit more und-- Don't you shush me! :'''Alex''': ''[trying to listen harder]'' Do you hear that? Don't you hear that? ''[the others realize he's trying to listen to the music as they run into the jungle, while they're hearing the music that has a similar beat to Stayin’ Alive by Bee Gees]'' ===Scene 9: Checking Into the Jungle/I Like To Move It=== :'''Marty''': I hear it now! :'''Gloria''': Where there's music, there's people. :'''Alex''': We’ll go right to the head honcho. :'''Melman''': A sidewalk would be nice. :'''Gloria''': Yeah, what a dump. :'''Alex''': They should call it the San Di-lame-o Zoo. First, they tell you, "Hey! We got this great open plan thing. Let the animals run wild!" Next thing you know, it’s flowers in your hair. Everybody's hugging everybody! :'''Marty''': This place kind of grows on you. This way, guys! Come on! :'''Alex''': ''[gets hit by a branch]'' OW!! Ooh! ''[screams then cries in his hands]'' Aah! ''[his foot hits a rock]'' Oh, oh! AAH!!! ''[his foot pricks a thorn]'' Aah! What the...? ''[jumps through spider webs]'' Oh! Aah! Ew! Ew! ''[sputters as he tries to get the webs off himself then knocks down a tree on himself]'' OH, NO!! '''AAAHH!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Gloria, Melman and Marty arrive at the party, they can see dancing shadows from the giant leaves.]'' :'''Gloria''': OK. Let's make a good impression on the people. Smiles, everyone. Let's get it together. Is that the best you can do, Melman? :'''Melman''': Oh, I'm not smiling. It's gas. :'''Gloria''': Okay. Well, great. Let's make gas look good. :''[Gloria opens up the leaves and they see a huge small group of strange furry creatures, who are the lemurs, dancing after [[w:madagascar:The End is Here|the final events]] of [[w:madagascar:All Hail King Julien|All Hail King Julien]]]'' :'''Marty''': Wow! :'''Gloria''': It's not people. It's animals! :'''Melman''': California animals. Dude! :'''Marty''': This is like a Puffy party! :'''King Julien''': ''[singing]'' I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it I like to move it, move it Ya like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': I like to move it, move it You like to move it, move it She like to move it, move it He like to :'''Lemurs''': Move it! :'''King Julien''': All girls all over the world Original King Julien 'pon yer case, man I love how all the girls that love to move their body When ya move your body, ya do Move it nice and sweet and sassy, all right :'''Gloria''': What kind of zoo is this? :'''Melman''': I just saw 26 blatant health code violations. :'''Marty''': I'm loving San Diego. This place is off the chizaine! :'''Melman''': 27! <hr width="50%"/> :'''King Julien''': Woman, physically fit, physically fit, physically, physically, physically fit Woman Physically fit, Physically fit... :'''Marty''': We should've brought chips and dip! :'''Gloria''': ''[looking around, realizing they left someone behind]'' Wait. Where's Alex? ''[pulls Marty away]'' What happened to him? He was right behind us. Wasn't he right behind us? :'''Marty''': I don't know where he's at, but he's missing one heck of a party. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!''' [screaming]'' :''[The lemurs went running to hide and screaming. The fossas enter and surround to see the little lemur named Mort. Who is scared.]'' :'''Fossa''': Fossa hungry. Fossa eat. :'''Alex''': ''[enters]'' Ech! I hate spiderwebs. Yeah. Thanks a lot, guys. Thanks for waiting up. Really appreciate it. ''[Pulls away the leaves to see the Fossa.]'' Hey. Hi. We just got in from New York, and we're looking for a supervisor. Because we've been sitting on that beach there for… hours, and nobody's even bothered to show up. I don't know if things are, uh… Yeah, I don't know how things are normally run around here… ''[Marty, Gloria and Melman froze then in shock they saw a spider crawling on his back. Gloria slowly picked up a stick to whack it.]'' …but obviously, there's been some sort of major screw-up. Which is cool! So if you could just point us towards the administrative offices, we'll just, uh... ''[Before he can finish, he notices the spider crawling on his back]'' :'''Spider''': Well, howdy-do. :'''Alex''': ''[screaming in horror, the fossas surprised, then roaring in slow motion by scary monster the fossas running away] '''SPIDER! SPIDER!! SPIDER ON MY BACK!!!''''' :'''King Julien''': Maurice? Did you see that?! :'''Maurice''': He scared the fossa away. :''[Alex continues screaming in horror as Gloria uses the stick to hit him, but the spider has finally escaped!]'' :'''Melman''': Come on, Gloria. Get him. :'''Spider''': GET IT! GET IT! GET IT!! '''GET IT!!!''' :'''Melman''': That's it! Catch it, Gloria! Smack it! Get it, get it! Whip it! Whip it good! Where'd it go? :'''Mort''': King Julien, what are they? '''''WHAT ARE THEY?!?!''''' :'''King Julien''': They are aliens. Savage aliens from the savage future. :'''Maurice''': They've come to kill us. And take our women. And our precious metals. :''[Lemurs gasp. Mort starts sobbing while lands on Julien's feet.]'' :'''King Julien''': Get up, Mort. Do not be near the king's feet, OK? Shh! We're hiding. Be quiet, everyone. Including me. Shh! Who's making that noise? Oh, it's me again. :'''Melman''': There it is! Get it! Come on, Gloria! :'''Alex''': Stop it! Stop it! That's enough! Enough with the stick. :'''Melman''': She got it. I think she got it. I think she got it. :'''Alex''': Is it still on me? Oh, I hate spiders. :'''Gloria''': It's okay. It's gone. :'''Mort''': They are savages. Tonight we die. ''[He grabs Julien's leg]'' :'''King Julien''': The feet. I told you... I told you to... I told every...! Didn't I tell you about the feet. :'''Maurice''': He did tell you about the feet. :'''Mort''': E-he. :'''King Julien''': Wait. I have a plan. :'''Maurice''': Really? :'''King Julien''': I have devised a cunning test to see whether these are savages killers. ===Scene 10: The Locals=== :'''Mort''': ''[After Julien kicks him out from hiding nearby]'' No! OOH! ''[Sees Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman and he gets scared and grabs his tail in fear.]'' :'''Marty''': Hi there. :'''Alex''': ''[clears throat to stop his friend]'' You let me handle it. ''[whispers]'' Alex handles it. Marty does nothing. ''[He walks over to a scared Mort and zooms in his face; kindly]'' Hi there! ''[Mort looks at Alex's teeth and starts crying]'' Oh, jeez. Oh. Oh, Sorry. :'''Melman''': Oh, Alex. What did you do? :'''Alex''': Oh, Shh! Shh! Shh! No, no, no. Stop. Stop. Shh! It's OK. It's OK. I'm just a silly... just a silly lion. ''[Mort starts screaming, while crying even louder]'' Oh, jeez! :'''Marty''': ''[knowing that Alex just made it worse]'' Aw, Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[Marty and Melman angrily criticize Alex, but walks to Mort]'' Oh, you poor little baby. Did that big mean lion scare you? :'''Mort''': Mm-hmm. ''[muttering]'' :'''Gloria''': He did? He's a big, bad old puddy tat, isn't he? ''[She picks Mort up]'' Come on. Mama'll hold you. Aww, look at you. :'''Melman''': ''[as Gloria is cuddling Mort]'' They are so cute from a reasonable distance. :'''Gloria''': Aren't you the sweetest little thing. Makes me want to dye it in coffee. :'''King Julien''': ''[watching Gloria cuddle Mort]'' They are just a bunch of pansies. :'''Maurice''': I don't know, Julien. ''[referring to Alex]'' There's something about that guy with the crazy hair-do that... I find suspicious. :'''King Julien''': Nonsense, Maurice! ''[turns to the lemurs]'' Come on, everybody! Let's go and meet the PANSIES! ''[laughing]'' :''[All the lemurs cheering and come out of their hiding places to meet them in celebration.]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:New York Giants logo.svg|thumb|upright|"All hail the New York Giants!"<br>"NEW YORK GIANTS!!!!"]] :'''Maurice''': ''[blowing the shell horn]'' Presenting your royal highness, our illustrious King Julien XIII, self-proclaimed lord of the lemurs, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray, everybody. :'''Marty''': He's got style. :'''Alex''': What is he, like, king of the guinea pigs? :'''Melman''': I think it's a squirrel. :'''King Julien''': Welcome, giant pansies! Please feel free to bask in my glow! :'''Alex''': Definitely a squirrel. :'''Melman''': Yep, squirrel. :'''King Julien''': We thank you with enormous gratitude for scaring away the Fossa. :'''Gloria''': The whossa? :'''King Julien''': The Fossa. They're always annoying us by trespassing, interrupting our parties, and ripping our limbs off... :'''Alex''': Yeah, sounds great. Look, we're just, uh, we’re just trying to find out where the people are, so if you could, uh-- :'''Maurice''': ''[to Alex]'' Oh my, what big teeth you have. Man! :'''King Julien''': ''[he slaps]'' Shame on you, Maurice! Can you not see that you have insulted the freak?! ''[to Alex]'' You must tell me, who the heck are you? :'''Alex''': I'm Alex. The Alex and this is Gloria, Marty, and Melman. :'''Maurice''': And where exactly are you giants from, hmm? :'''Alex''': We're from New York and, uh, we-- :'''King Julien''': ''[makes a "T" with his hands, interrupting Alex, then turns to the crowd of lemurs.]'' All hail the New York Giants! :'''Lemurs''': NEW YORK GIANTS!!!! ''[cheering]'' :'''Alex''': Is there some sort of inbreeding program? ''[to Marty, Melman, and Gloria]'' Well, I say we just got to ask these bozos where the people are. :'''Julien:''' Excuse me? We bozos have the people, of course! :'''Alex''': ''Whoa!'' :'''Melman''': Hey! The bozos have the people! :'''Alex''': Oh, well, great. Good. Phew. Heh. :'''King Julien''': They're up there. ''[points to some human skeletons hanging from parachutes snagged on the branches of a large tree]'' Don't you love the people? Not a very lively bunch, though. :'''Alex''': Oh, wow. So do you have any live people? :'''King Julien''': Um... No. Uh, only dead ones. :'''Maurice''': Man, if we had a lot of live people, it wouldn't be called "the wild!" Would it? ''[laughs]'' :'''Marty''': The wild? :'''Alex''': Whoa! Whoa, hold up there a second, fuzz... bucket. You mean, like, uh, like the "live-in-a-mud-hut, wipe-yourself-with-a-leaf" type wild? :'''King Julien''': Who wipes? ''[laughing]'' :'''Gloria''': Oy vey. :'''King Julien''': Oy vey! :'''Maurice''': Oy vey, everybody! :'''Lemurs''': OY VEY!!!! :'''Alex''': Could you excuse me for a moment? ''[At sunset, runs back to the shore, crying, while Gloria tries to chase him down.]'' Get me out of here! We got to get out of here!! Help!!! :'''Gloria''': Alex! ''[She catches Alex as he's about to dive into the ocean]'' What are you ''doing''?! :'''Alex''': ''[while Marty is excited]'' I'm swimming back to New York!! I know my chances are slim. But I have to try! :'''Gloria''': You can't swim! :'''Alex''': I said my chances are slim!! :'''Melman''': ''[running in panic with leaves covering him]'' AAAAGHH!!! NATURE!!!! It's all over me! Get it off!! I CAN'T SEE!!! I CAN'T SEE!!!! ''[Gloria steps on vine cord, pulling the leaves off him; happily]'' I can see! ''[now becomes frightened, screams, and buries his head in the sand like an ostrich]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[while holding Alex by his throat]'' Okay, look. There has obviously just been a little mistake. I'm sure the people didn't dump us here on purpose. As soon as they realize what happened, they'll come looking for us, right? :'''Melman''': ''[with head buried; while Marty is singing "Born Free"]'' Yeah, right. :'''Gloria''': You know something? I bet they're already on their way. ''[puts down Alex as he gasps]'' ===Scene 11: Last Will=== :''[Meanwhile, at dusk, the boat sails 2,500 turns into 2,501 miles south to Antarctica by way of the penguins on an important mission.]'' :'''Skipper''': Well, boys? It's gonna be ice-cold sushi for breakfast. ''[he and Private take high five]'' Rico. :''[Rico uses the wine with foam to toast their victory!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile on Madagascar island...]'' :'''Melman''': Well, since I'm doomed to die on this forsaken island, I, Melman Mankiewicz, being of sound mind and unsound body, have divided my estate equally among the three of you. ''[Right before he could finish his sentence, a wave came in and go rid of it]'' Oh… Sorry, Alex. :'''Marty''': Hey! A latrine. Nice work, Melman. Outdoor plumbing. :'''Alex''': No, it's not a latrine. It's a grave! You sent Melman to his grave. Are you happy? :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. This isn't the end. This is a whole new beginning. This could be the best thing that's ever happened to us. :'''Alex''': No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No! This is not the best thing that's ever happened to us! :'''Melman''': Yeah! You abused the power of the birthday wish and brought this bad luck on all of us. So why'd you tell your wish? You're not supposed to do that. :'''Marty''': Wait a minute. I didn't wanna tell you. Remember? You guys made me tell you. :'''Melman''': Oh, OK. :''[As Marty talks, Alex has grabbed a tree and draw a line over the beach.]'' :'''Marty''': Besides, this isn't bad luck. This is good luck. Look around. There's no fences, no schedules. This place is beautiful. Baby, we were born to be here. :'''Alex''': OK. OK. I've had enough of this. This is your side of the island, and this is our side of the island. That is the bad side, where you can prance and skip around like a magical pixie horse! And do whatever the heck you wanna do all day long. And this, this is the good side of the island for those who love New York and care about going home. :'''Marty''': Come on. :'''Alex''': No, no. Back! Back! Back! Back! :'''Gloria''': You know what? This isn't good. :'''Marty''': OK! You all have your side, and I'll have mine! And if you need me, I'll be over here, on the fun side of the island, having a good old time! A gay old time! A yay old time! A [[The Flintstones (film)|Yabba-dabba-doo]] old time! :'''Alex''': ''[quietly]'' That’s not the fun side. ''[loudly]'' This is the fun side! This is the fun side, where we're gonna have a great time surviving until we go home. Whoo! I love this side. This side's the best. That side stinks! You're on the '''Jersey''' side of this cesspool!! :'''Marty''': [[The Flintstones (film)|WILMA]]!!!!!!!! :'''Melman''': Well, now what do we do? :'''Alex''': Don't worry, Melman. I have a plan to get us rescued. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later at nightfall, Alex builds a statue that looks like the Statue of Liberty from New York]'' :'''Alex''': Can't wait to see the look on Marty's face when he sees this. ''[looks over to see Marty, building a roof]'' Ooh. Just look at him. He's helpless without us. Shut up, Spalding! :''[The camera zooms to a decorated basketball]'' :'''Gloria''': I've been standing here for hours, man. How long do I have to pose like this? :'''Alex''': She is... ''[kissing]'' Finito! I defy any rescue boat within a million miles to miss this baby. When the moment is right, we will ignite the beacon of liberty and be rescued from this awful nightmare! What do you think? Pretty cool, huh? How's the liberty fire goin', Melman? :'''Melman''': Great! Idiot... :'''Alex''': I heard that! :'''Melman''': Ugh. Why can't we just borrow some of Marty's fire? :'''Alex''': That's wildfire! We're not using wildfire on Lady Liberty! Now rub, Melman! :'''Melman''': ''[groans in frustration]'' I've been doing... I can't – i can't – i can't do it! I ju-- I CAN'T DO IT! ''[slams the planks down...and they suddenly ignite]'' Fire! Fire! ''[Alex and Gloria were surprised by this]'' FIRE! FIIIIIIRE!!! ''[laughs, then notices the burning planks are still attached to his hooves]'' Ah. Oh, my... Ow! Ooh, '''FIRE!!''' ''[screaming]'' :'''Alex''': '''NOT YET! NO, NO! NO!''' :'''Melman''': '''FIRE! AAAAHHHHH!!!!''' ''[Sets the statue that Alex made on fire]'' :'''Alex''': No, no! No! Not yet! ''[gasps before landing on his face]'' :'''Gloria''': Melman, hold still! JUMP! Alex, jump! ''[Alex does so]'' Don't worry, cats always land on their-- ''[Alex falls flat on his face after jumping off the burning rescue beacon instead of using his feet to land safely like other cats]'' Face? Man, what kind of cat are you? :'''Alex''': ''[after Melman burned the rescue beacon in panic] [[Planet of the Apes (1968 film)|'''YOU MANIAC!!! YOU BURNED IT UP!!! DARN YOU!!! DARN YOU ALL TO HECK!!!''']]'' :'''Melman''': ''[callously]'' Can we go to the fun side now? ===Scene 12: The King=== :''[Meanwhile in the jungle, the lemurs have gathered at an old airplane for a meeting.]'' :'''Maurice''': Everybody, calm down. Come on. Into your chairs. Yes. Everybody please, calm down. Let go of his tail. Separate those two, would you, please? You over here, and you over there. Everybody, Shh... Calm down, people, OK? Ugh. Now, presenting your royal highness, the illustrious blah, blah, blah. You know, et cetera, et cetera. Hooray. Let's go. :'''King Julien''': Now, everybody, we all have great curiosity about our guests, the New York giants. Yes, Willie? :'''Willie the lemur''': I like them. :'''Mort''': I like them. I like them! I liked them first! Before I even met them I liked them! :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. Yes! We get it… :'''Mort''': When I saw them, I liked them right away. You hate them compared to how much I like them… :'''Julien''': Oh, shut up! You're so annoying!! ''[Pauses out of the park and Mort chuckles]'' Now, for as long as we can remember, we have been attacked and eaten by the dreaded fossa. :'''Lemur''': '''''THE FOSSA! THE FOSSA ARE ATTACKING!!''' [screams] '''AAHHH!!''''' :''[Everyone all screamed and panic, the one of the lemurs jumps out the old airplane and the glass breaks apart.]'' :'''Lemur 2''': ''[holds up a book titled "To Serve Lemur"]'' [[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)|It's a cookbook! '''''IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!!!''''']] :'''Julien''': All right! Please. Please, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Shh! Quiet!! Come on, y'all. They're not attacking us this very instant. :''[All lemurs sigh in relief as Julien continues to prepare his plan that will succeed]'' :'''King Julien''': So, my genius plan is this: We will make the New York Giants our friends and keep them close. Then, with Mr. Alex protecting us, we will be safe and never have to worry about the dreaded fossa ever again! ''[Everyone all agrees.]'' I thought of that! I thought of that! Yes! Me! I did. :'''Maurice''': Hold on, hold on, everybody. Hold on. I'm just thinking now. I mean, does anyone wonder why the fossa were so scared of Mr. Alex? I mean, ''maybe'' we should be scared too. What if Mr. Alex is even worse than the fossa?! ''[Lemurs gasp in shock]'' I'm telling you, that dude just gives me the heebiedabajeebies! :'''King Julien''': Maurice, you did not raise your hand. Therefore, your heinous comment will be stricken from the record. ''[Chameleon uses the typewriter]'' Does anyone else have the heebie-jeebies? No? Good. So shut up. When the New York giants wake up, we will make sure that they wake up in paradise. ''[Laughing]'' Now, who would like a cookie? :''[All lemurs cheering for a cookie.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[And in the meantime at the beach, Alex makes the sign of "Help!", waiting for the boat that was hijacked by the penguins. And Marty tries to cheer up Alex for an apology]'' :'''Marty''': Yo, Al. Melman and Gloria are over there having a good time. There's room on the fun side for one more. :'''Alex''': No, thanks. :'''Marty''': Look, I've been thinking. Maybe if you gave this place a chance, I don't know, you might even enjoy yourself. :'''Alex''': Marty, I'm tired. I'm hungry. I just want to go home. :'''Marty''': Could you just give it a chance? Think about it. It really isn't the fun side without you. ''[Leaves away from Alex, The P breaks and falls apart, which now says "Hell".]'' ===Scene 13: Marty's Beach House=== :''[Alex comes to Marty's, sign says "No Soliciting"]'' :'''Everyone but Alex''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Melman''': I know. And then... ''[Alex knocks it]'' Shh. Shh. It's him. :'''Marty''': Who is it? :'''Alex''': It's the pizza man. Who the heck do you think it is? :'''Marty''': ''[opens the slot door and sees Alex's eye]'' Yes? Can I help you? :'''Alex''': Can I come to the fun side? :'''Marty''': ''[closes the slot door; opens the door a little bit which is locked]'' Beg your pardon? :'''Alex''': You know, I've been kind of a jerk, Marty. But I've been thinking about what you said, and... I'm sorry. :'''Marty''': ''[Closes the door. But unfortunately prepares to unlock and opens the door!]'' Welcome to Casa del Wild! Take a load off. Hey, hey, wipe your feet. :'''Gloria''': Alex! :'''Marty''': ''[In Spanish]'' Mi casa is su casa. :'''Alex''': Very impressive. :'''Marty''': Hey, have a drink. It's on the house. :'''Alex''': ''[Drinks the water from the coconut shell, but it's seawater instead of potable water and he spits it out!]'' This is seawater. :'''Marty''': Oh, you don't swallow it. It's just temporary till the plumbing's done. Hey, y'all look hungry. How would you like some of nature's goodness? :'''Gloria''': You have food? :'''Marty''': The Fun Side Special, coming up. Seaweed on a stick. :'''Alex''': Seaweed? :'''Marty''': On a stick. Don't love it till you try it. :'''Melman''': That's unbelievable! :'''Gloria''': Mmm… So good. :'''Marty''': Well, thanks. It does kind of hit the spot, doesn't it? ''[Without roasting it, Alex coughs up seaweed, because he wants steak as a carnivore.]'' Well, maybe it could use a little lemon. :'''Alex''': No, it's great. It's really great. Doesn't get any better than this. :'''Marty''': Oh, but it does. Check this out. :''[He pulls down a lever, opening up the roof to show a view of the stars.]'' :'''Gloria''': Wow! Would you look at that? :'''Alex''': It's like billions and billions of helicopters. :'''Marty''': It's a shooting star. Make a wish. Quick! :'''Alex''': Ooh! How about a thick, juicy steak? :'''Marty''': You know what, Alex? I promise you I'm going to find you a steak tomorrow if it kills me. :'''Alex''': Thanks, Marty. :'''Melman''': ''[yawns]'' It is getting late. I guess I'm gonna... ''[snores]'' :'''Gloria''': I think I'm gonna hit the sack too. Sweet dreams, everyone. :''[Alex dreams of licking steak]'' :'''Marty''': ''[echoes]'' Alex. ''[Alex surprised; accidentally licks Marty as the others are shocked and confused]'' What are you doing? :'''Alex''': 27, 28, 29, 30. Hmm. 30. 30 black and only 29 white. Looks like you're black with white stripes after all. Dilemma solved. Good night. ''[pretends to sleep with his eyes open]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[From the trees, Julien and Maurice look below at the sleeping Alex with Marty, Melman and Gloria on the beach.]'' :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Mr. Alex was grooming his friend. He is clearly a tender, loving thing. How can you have the heebie-jeebies for Mr. Alex? Look at him. He's so cute and plushy. :'''Maurice''': I don't think he was grooming him, Julien. Look more like he was tasting him to me. :'''King Julien''': Suit yourself, no matter. I don't care. Soon we will put my excellent plan to action. All we have to do is wait until they are deep in their sleep... ''[a long pause] '''HOW LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!''''' :''[Alex, Marty, Gloria and Melman thought there are lemurs, but they see nothing. So they have to go to sleep again.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Private''': ''[on finally arriving at Antarctica]'' Well, this sucks. ===Scene 14: Kidnapped/The Warm Welcome=== :''[Cut to black of the next morning]'' :'''King Julien''': Wake up, Mr. Alex. Wake up, Mr. Alex. Rise and shining. Wakey-waking, Mr. Alex! ''[Loudly]'' '''WAKE UP!!!! ALEX!!!!''' ''[Alex muffled gasp]'' You suck your thumb? :'''Alex''': AAH! :'''Everyone but Alex''': AAH!! :'''Everyone''': AAAAHH!!!! :''[Shocked, the zoo animals get up.]'' :'''Alex''': Where are we? What the heck is going on? :'''King Julien''': Take it easy. :'''Alex''': What is this? :'''Melman''': Who built a forest? :'''King Julien''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't be alarmed, giant freaks! While you were asleep, we simply took you to our little corner of heaven. Welcome to Madagascar. :'''Marty''': Mada-who-ah?! :'''Gloria''': What? :'''King Julien''': No, not who-ah, ascar. :''[The zoo animals stare from the open view of Madagascar.]'' :'''Alex''': Marty. It's... :'''Marty''': It's just like my mural back at the zoo. :'''Gloria''': Oh, no, fella, that is the real deal right there. :'''King Julien''': Look at that, that's not a bad view. :'''Alex''': I mean, that's the thing that you were always looking at, but it's actually there. I mean, that's like the real version of your... :'''Marty''': Hey, how about once around the park? Let's get our blood pumping, get those lungs breathing all this fresh air! Who's with me?! :'''Alex''': Ah, naw. I really, I don't think I could... You're it! :'''Marty''': Hey! Want to play around? Ho! Hey! :'''Alex''': Ha-ha! Oof! :'''Marty''': Got you there! Ha-ha! :'''Alex''': Come here! Ha-ha-ha! :'''Marty''': You're it. :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles, while riding on Marty's back]'' Hey, hey, hey! :'''Marty''': Hey, stop that! Hey, you’re crazy! :'''Alex''': OK, Marty, I'm it. I'm it. I'm it. You win. ''[Groans in exhaustion]'' :'''Marty''': Come on, Alex, get in the groove. :'''Alex''': I haven't eaten in two days. My blood sugar's real low. I just don't have the energy. :'''Marty''': I don't think that's your problem. First of all, that's not how you run in the wild. Let's go, man. Put the rubber to the road! You just have to let out that inner lion. Now, who's the cat? :'''Alex''': Marty, I really don't... :'''Marty''': You are, that's who. Come on! Here we go! That's it. Now let's build up some steam! :'''Alex''': Alright. :'''Marty''' You the cat. :'''Alex:''' Who's the cat? :'''Marty:''' You the cat. :''[Marty went up ahead whooping as Alex kept repeating "Who's the cat?" over and over again. His eyes lean close to Marty and his eyes changed of being crazy.]'' :'''Alex''': I'M THE CAT!! ''[Zooms against Marty]'' Surprise! :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' ''[Crashes with Alex]'' :'''Alex''': Hoo! You're it! You're it! Can't juke the cat. Cat's too quick! Whoo! Hoo-ha! Ooh, yeah! Hoo-ha! I feel like a mile-high pastrami on rye on the fly from the deli in the sky! Roww! Let's go wild! :'''Marty''': Now you're talking! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Alex and Marty are now doing the Tarzan Yell as they enter the wild party.]'' :'''Alex''': Whoo! Man! I feel, ha-ha-ha-ha, different! Noogie, noogie, noogie. Noogie, noogie, noogie! Whoo! Kind of charged up or something. Hoo! :'''Gloria''': Ah, Marty, Marty, Marty! Like you said, baby. :'''Alex''': It's Crack-a-lacking. Ain't that right, Melman? Whoo! :'''Melman''': Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm in heaven. :'''King Julien''': You see, Maurice, Alex is now our friend and the fossas are nowhere to be seen. It could be said that my plan is working in a very good working kind of way. :'''Alex''': Yeah! :'''Marty''': Alex. You got to try some of this. :''[Alex spits the pineapple to King Julien]'' :'''Alex''': I feel good. Feel like a king again! :'''King Julien''': ''[Throws the pineapple to Maurice]'' King? :'''Marty''': Yeah! You should see his act. Come on, Alex. Why don't you show him some of your act? :'''Alex''': ''[Chuckles]'' Oh. No, I really don't think I could... OK. ===Scene 15: Alex Confuses Marty for Steak=== :''[Moments later, they have prepared a special ceremony to show Julien that lions are also kings.]'' :'''Marty''': Ladies and gentlemen, primates of all ages. The wild proudly presents: The king! :'''Both''': Alex the Lion! :'''Alex''': ''[whispers]'' Ahhhh! :'''Marty''': E♭, fellas. :''[Fanfare playing in E♭]'' :'''Marty''': Yeah! The king is in the house! :'''King Julien''': See, if he is the king, then where is his crown? I've got a crown. Got a very nice one! And it's here on my head! Look at it! Have I got it on? :''[From the rocks, the fossa approached ready to eat the lemurs again, but they are surprised by Alex.]'' :'''Marty''': Do the roar, man! Do the roar! ''[Alex no longer use his normal roar, so instead, he uses the real roar, Marty, Melman, Gloria, Mort, and The Lemurs gasp in shock. Frightened, the fossas ran away again.]'' Wow. I've never heard that one before. Yeah! Go wild, man! Come on! Break out the wave! ''[Lemurs cheer. But unfortunately, since Alex hasn't eaten for along time, he thought the lemurs look like steaks to him. His claws show up and the camera switches to the lemur wave, but suddenly, screams, and the music stops! Everyone but Marty became shocked, the camera zooms out to show that Alex bit Marty on the butt and Mort happily claps for a short period.]'' Excuse me. You're biting my butt! :'''Alex''': ''[long pauses as his eyes go back to normal; muffled]'' No, I'm not. :'''Marty''': Yes, you are. ''[Alex spits and licks paws in the tongue]'' :'''Gloria''': Alex, what did you do? :'''Marty''': You just bit ''me'' on the butt! :'''Alex''': No, I didn't. Did I? :'''Melman''': You kind of did. :'''Marty''': ''He'' just bit me on the butt! What the heck is wrong with ''you''?! :'''Alex''': ''[stutters]'' I... Oh! Uh... :'''Marty''': Why'd you bite me? :'''Maurice''': ''[coming out of the crowd]'' Man, it's because you are ''his'' dinner. :'''Melman''': What?! :'''Gloria''': Excuse me?! :'''Melman''': That's dumb. :'''King Julien''': Come, come, Maurice. What is a simple bite on the buttocks among friends? ''[shakes his tail at Maurice]'' Here, gimme a nibble. :'''Maurice''': ''[pushes King Julien]'' The party is over, Julien. Your brilliant plan has failed. :'''Marty''': What are you talking about? :'''Maurice''': Your friend here is what we call a deluxe hunting and eating machine, and he eats steak... which is you. :'''Gloria''': Get out of here. :''[Julien thinks for a moment, realizing how selfish he was being and contemplates what Maurice had mentioned about Alex during the last night's meeting on the broken plane as it's so much for everyone not having the heebie jeebies. His uncle was right all along about breaking the rule of helping outsiders to protect the kingdom that it got forbidden.]'' :'''King Julien''': Okey-dokey, Maurice. I admit it. The plan failed. All is lost! We are all doomed! The fossas will come back and gobble us with their mouths, because... we are all steak. :'''Mort''': ''[taking the steak statement as a compliment]'' I'm steak! Me-me-me-me-me-me-me! :'''Maurice''': Mr. Alex cannot stay here. He belongs with his own kind... ''[Alex's eyes dilate again and sees Julien, and turned into steak once again for his hunger]'' On the fossa side of the island. :'''King Julien''': ''[turned into steak]'' By the power vested in me, by the law of the jungle, ''[the lemurs, Mort, Marty, Melman, and Gloria turned into steak]'' blah, blah, blah, blah, blah... '''Be gone!!''' :'''Marty''': What? Come on, do I look like a steak to you? :'''Alex''': ''[seeing Marty as a steak through his vision]'' Yeah! :'''Marty''': See, I told you I don't look like a-- ''[mishears]'' Wait, wait, wh-- Wh-- What'd you say? :'''Alex''': Oh, yeah! ''[growls ferociously as he prepares to attack causing the lemurs and zoo animals to get scared]'' :'''Mort''': ''[the lemurs pretend to three wise monkeys; frightened]'' He's going savage... :'''King Julien''': '''Run for your lives!!''' ''[Everyone screams and runs away. Alex roars wildly, getting ready to devour them all.]'' :'''Gloria''': '''Marty, run!!''' :'''Marty''': '''Yahhh!!''' :''[The Fanfare of [[wikipedia:National Geographic|National Geographic]] plays as Alex is preparing to eat Marty once again, but Maurice throws a coconut to stop Alex and paralyze him to go back to normal!]'' :'''King Julien''': A bullseye! Excellent shot, Maurice. :'''Maurice''': Thank you. [[File:A Zebra running in a lush Ugandan savanna in Lake Mburo National Park 04.jpg|thumb|Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty.]] :''[Alex lifted up his head and Marty in steak form now turns to normal, while running away]'' :'''Alex''': Marty? I'm so sorry, Marty. What is wrong with ''me''?! Ow...! Oh, no. What I've done, It's true, I'm a monster. I gotta get out of here. ''[runs away]'' :''["What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong plays as Alex and his gang are going separate ways with Marty, Melman, and Gloria stop running while Alex running through the jungle gets his claws caught on leaves and then a tree. Alex pulls them out only for him to fall down a hill through jagged rocks, a field of flowers, and finally a cactus patch before landing on his feet with a cactus stuck on his back and falling into a river and screams while plummets down a waterfall. He arrives on the Fossa side of the island walks pass a few Fossas (who looked confused, seeing that Alex wasn’t going to eat them), the scene turns back to Marty, Melman and Gloria walks through the jungle witness how dangerous the wild can be such as a hummingbird flew into the snapdragon flowers only for it to be eaten and burps, while Alex uses his instruments to sharpen pieces of wood. Marty, Melman and Gloria saw a mouse escape from a snake, then gets caught by an eagle, and they spot a duckling as they get it to a lake but it gets eaten by a crocodile much to their shock. Alex sits on a rock in an enclosure resembling his from the zoo feeling sad and guilty. The others walk by the grassy field that Marty and Alex played on earlier while Marty looks long towards storm clouds rolling in, feeling guiltier and the circle of life in Madagascar is now broken since the terror reign of the former evil Mountain lemur king Koto.]'' ===Scene 16: The Wild=== :'''Marty''': What have I done? This is a nightmare! And it's all my fault. Now, because of me, we've lost Alex. :'''Melman''': Well, what are we going to do? :'''Gloria''': We'll find a way to help him. That's what we'll do. :'''Melman''': Oh! OK. :'''Gloria''': Come on, we are New Yorkers, right? :'''Marty''': Yeah. :'''Gloria''': We're tough. We're gritty. :'''Marty''': Yeah! :'''Gloria''': We're adaptable! :'''Marty''': Yeah!! :'''Gloria''': And we are not going to lay down like a bunch of Melmans! :'''Melman''': No, we're not. ''[horn blaring]'' Oh. Gloria. :'''Gloria''': That was not me, OK? That was the boat. The boat! :'''Marty''': The boat? The boat's come back for us! Come on, guys, we got to flag it down. :''[Marty, Melman, and Gloria race to the beach where they saw the boat, blaring harder and louder]'' :'''Marty''': There it is! :'''Melman''': Hey, over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! :'''Marty''': Over here! Over here! Yo! Yo! Yo! :'''Gloria''': Melman, give me a lift. Hurry up! Lift me up! :'''Marty''': Help! Help! Help! :'''Melman''': Oh, my neck. My neck. My neck. You guys. Over here! :'''Gloria''': Over here! Melman! Steady. This way! :'''Marty''': Over here! :'''Melman''': You have no idea how much this hurts. :'''Marty''': Hey, boat! We're over here! ''[the three zoo animals are thuds]'' :'''Gloria''': Look! It's turning! It's coming back! IT'S COMING BACK! IT'S COMING BACK!! :'''Melman''': Yes! This way! Come on! Come on, baby! WHOO!! Yes, you guys! :'''Marty''': You guys flag down that boat. I’ll go get Alex. :'''Gloria''': ''[stopping Marty]'' Whoa! Hold on there. You cannot go back there by yourself. :'''Marty''': Aw, come on. I know Alex. He hears we're rescued, he'll snap right out of it. :'''Melman''': The people are coming. They can help us. :'''Gloria''': Melman's right. The people will know what to do. Now, come on. We got to flag down that boat. :''[The boat already approaches near the beach with a horn blaring to knockback the trees! And finally, the anchor crashes the sand as the penguins land on the beach.]'' :'''Skipper''': Now, this is more like it. :'''Gloria''': You?! Oh, ma-- Where are the people?! :'''Skipper''': We killed them and ate their livers. ''[Gloria looks horrified]'' Gotcha, didn't I? Just kidding, doll, the people are fine. They're on a slow boat to China. Hey! I know you two. Where's that psychotic lion, and our monochromatic friend? :'''Melman''': ''[he and Gloria looks back to see Marty missing]'' Marty? He's ri... Where'd he go? I thought he was right behind us. :'''Gloria''': ''[groans in frustration]'' He went back for Alex. ''He's'' gonna get himself killed! :'''Skipper''': Well, boys, our monochromatic friend's in danger. Looks like we have a job to do. ''[Private brings out a notebook and a red crayon]'' Captain's log: Embarking into hostile environment. Kowalski, we'll need to win the hearts and the minds of the natives. Rico, we'll need special tactical equipment. We're going to face extreme peril. Private probably won't survive. ''[a red crayon snaps, Private looks horrified]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Marty''': Alex! Come out, Alex! The boat's here! We can go home! :''[The fossa see Marty, as if they are going to eat him; The dream appears many kid steaks that Alex wants them and his claws show up]'' :'''Kids''': ''[chanting]'' Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! Alex! :''[Alex eyes change like he's going to go crazy again, fearing that he will continue injuring his friends, retreats to foosa territory in isolation. Marty searches for him, excited]'' :'''Marty''': Alex! Alex. :'''Alex''': Marty? :'''Marty''': Snap out of it, Alex. The boat came back. We can get out of here. We can go back to civilization, and everything will be just like it used to be. :'''Alex''': Stay back. Please. I'm a monster. :'''Marty''': Alex, you're no monster. You're my friend. We're a team. You and me, remember? :''[Alex tried to attack Marty, but the zebra scuttled back away from the crazed lion.]'' :'''Alex''': I don't want to hurt you. :'''Marty''': Alex. I ain't leaving without you. Alex? I'm thinking of a song. It's a wonderful song. I'm sure you're familiar with it. ''♪Start spreadin' the news. I'm leaving today. We are a great big part of it!♪'' Come on, you know the words. Two little words. Please don't make me sing this by myself. ''[go back to Alex's normal eyes again]'' You really don't want to hear me sing this by myself. ''[The fossa appeared from above the rocks]'' Uh, Alex? Could you come out here for a minute? Hey, Alex, a l-l-little help? '''''AAH!!! HELP ME!!! ALEX!! HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :'''Alex''': ''[a look of determination appears on face and eyes changed of being crazy yet again]'' ===Scene 17: The Fossas=== :''[Marty runs for his life as the fossa chase after him.]'' :'''Marty''': Help me!! Anybody, help me!! Somebody!! ''[Marty turns to see two Fossas riding on his butt and dumping salt and lemon juice on him]'' Ah! ''[Marty throws the Fossa off of him]'' '''''HEEEELLLPPP!!!!!!!''''' :''[As the Fossa make a dog pile to eat Marty, Melman is swinging on a vine while doing a Tarzan Yell to save Marty.]'' :'''Marty''': Melman? :'''Melman''': That's right, baby. ''[Both crash into the rock]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[As she picks up and puts Marty down, the fossa ran towards them] '''RUN!''''' :'''Marty''': What's the plan? :'''Gloria''': This is the plan! :'''Fossa''': Foosa hungry. Foosa eat. :'''Marty''': This is the plan?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skipper''': ''[He comes out of the jungle, into the fossa’s path, and pulled out a flare gun]'' Foosa halt! :'''The Fossas''': Huh? ''[amazed by a flare Skipper has fired]'' Ooh. Foosa aaahh. Foosa ooh. Foosa aaahh. :''[As the fossa are distracted by flares glow, the penguins army crawled underneath their noses. And then Rico holds a pike and uses it like a pole to flick himself with the pike over the steering wheel of the cargo ship that Private brings over. Then as the pike lands in the hole in the middle of the steering wheel, Kowalski pulls out a plate, then hands it over to Skipper. Then Private lands on the plate, and then Kowalski brings out a can of whipped cream that Skipper sprays onto Privates head.]'' :'''Private''': ''[Then Rico up chucks a cherry, that plops onto Privates whipped cream covered head.]'' Come and get it! :'''Fossa''': Foosa-Huh? :''[Then as the fossa where about to eat Private, Skipper, Kowalski, and Rico spun the wheel knocking out many fossa in the process. And as Gloria, Marty, and Melman are amazed by it other fossa came up from behind startling them, then more showed up in front, then three others came out from a hollow log.]'' :'''Gloria''': ''[Using Melman’s head as a hammer, she whacked them on their heads]'' Take that! :'''Fossa''': Foosa ow! :'''Private''': There's too many of them, Skipper! :'''Skipper''': It's been a real pleasure serving with you, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Just then as Skipper slaps a fossa, they hear Alex roaring, preparing to trick the Fossa]'' :'''Marty''': Alex? ''[hits the Fossa's face]'' :'''Alex''': That's my kill! Mine. Alex hungry. Alex eat. ''[Unleashes his claws]'' Psst! ''[whispering]'' It's showtime. Thanks for not giving up on me, Marty. :'''Marty''': Man, you almost gave me a heart attack. You can't just come up here and sneak up on me. Just because you're a lion... ''[Muffled]'' Let go of me. Let go of me! :'''Alex''': Shh! We're getting out of here. Guys, just go with me on this. Like I said, it's showtime. Rrr! Mine! My kill! Rrahh! They're all mine!! ''[Roars as his gang start to scream]'' :'''Gloria''': <big><big>'''AAH!!! IT'S THE KING OF THE BEASTS!!!'''</big></big> Oh, no!! ''[screams]'' :'''Marty''': Don't eat me, Mr. Lion! :'''Melman''': He's scary! :'''Alex''': Fear me!! Savagery beyond comprehension! :'''Marty''': I am far too young to die! :'''Melman''': You're a monster! A monster, I say!! :'''Alex''': <big><big>'''''AND, YOU!!!'''''</big></big> :'''Fossa''': Me?! :''[Alex roars at the fossas as he and his friends defeat the fossas]'' :'''Gloria''': Oh, you want some of this? ''[Grunts]'' You better run for your lives! :'''Marty''': Somebody call a cop! :'''Melman''': ''[hits the Fossa with his head like a golf]'' He's psychotic!!! :'''Alex''': ''[to the Fossas]'' This is '''''my''''' territory!!! '''Understand?!''' I ''never'', ''ever'' want to see ''you'' on my turf again!!! ''[with all his might, the beast roars at the fossa, causing them to be scared and run away]'' Boo. ''[The last fossa runs off with the rest of the pack]'' :'''Gloria''': Woo-hoo! :'''Marty''': Yeah! You the cat! :'''Gloria''': Got my boy back! :'''King Julien''': ''[Laughing triumphantly]'' I did it! Give me some love! The plan worked! The plan worked! I'm very clever! I'm the one, baby! Come on. Time to robot! ''[robot talking]'' I am very clever king. I am super genius. I am robot king of the monkey things. Compute, compute. :'''Alex''': So, what's for lunch? :''[Everyone but Alex is surprised, realizing that they haven’t eaten lunch yet. Cut to the island with Skipper and his penguins preparing a special meal.]'' ===Scene 18: A Special Snack for Alex=== :'''Skipper''': Close those eyes. :'''Alex''': Why do I have to close my eyes? :'''Skipper''': Do it. :'''Alex''': Yeah. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Tighter. :'''Alex''': Yes, sir. :'''Skipper''': No peeking. :'''Alex''': Alright. They're closed. :'''Skipper''': Rico. :'''Rico''': ''[takes the fish; Does a karate chop with two knives; carves; slaps the bottom of the fish turns into 12 sushi fish and drops]'' Hai. ''[the tail drops on his head; the knife takes a sushi fish]'' :'''Skipper''': Open that hatch. :'''Alex''': Aah… :'''Skipper''': ''[the sushi fish puts inside Alex's mouth]'' Fire in the hole. ''[closes the Alex's mouth and chews]'' Now chew. Chew like you mean it! Savor it. :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. :'''Marty''': And? :'''Gloria''': Well? :'''Melman''': Pretty good, right? :'''King Julien''': There's always Plan B. ''[Mort laughs]'' :'''Alex''': Mmm… Mmm. This is better than steak. I love it! I love it! :'''Skipper''': The kitty loves the fishy. ''[Kowalski and Private got a high-5 as everyone cheers]'' :'''Marty''': Well, I propose a toast. Now, he may be a pain in the butt at times... And trust me, I know. But this cat proved to me without a doubt that his heart is bigger than his stomach. To Alex. :'''Everyone''': To Alex! :''[Everyone spits out their seawater after drinking it]'' :'''King Julien''': Enough! Stop it! :'''Marty''': Well, what do you guys think? Should we head back to New York? :'''Alex''': I don't know, Marty. I mean, this is your dream. You sure you want to leave? :'''Marty''': I don't care where we are. As long as we're together, it doesn't matter to me. :'''Alex''': Well, in that case... ''[turns to Rico]'' Yo. Rico. I'll take 300 orders to go! :'''Rico''': Hai. :'''King Julien''': Yes, yes. But before you leave, I have an announcement to make. So shut up, everyone, please. Thank you. After much deep and profound brain things inside my head, I have decided to thank you for bringing peace to our home. ''[presents Alex with his crown]'' And to make you feel good, I'm gonna give you this lovely parting gift. :'''Alex''': Oh, no, really. I can't take your crown. :'''King Julien''': That's OK, I've got a bigger crown! It's got a gecko on it! Look at him shake! Go, Stevie, go! ===Scene 19: The Boat=== :'''Alex''': ''[waving to the lemurs]'' Bye, little fuzz buckets! :'''Gloria''': Thanks for everything! :'''Marty''': Bye! :'''Alex''': So long! :'''King Julien''': Okay, bye-bye, now. :'''Marty''': Arrivederci. :'''King Julien''': Bye-bye. :'''Maurice''': Toodle-oo! :'''Mort''': Bye! Goodbye! :'''King Julien''': See you later, crocodile. Maurice, my arm is tired. Wave it for me. Faster, you naughty little monkey! :'''Alex''': You know, by the time we get to New York, it’s gonna be the middle of winter. So I was just thinking, why rush? Maybe we could make a few side stops along the way? :'''Marty''': Maybe Paris. :'''Gloria''': Ooh! You just read my mind. :'''Alex''': I was thinking Spain. :'''Marty''': Yeah. Run with the bulls. :'''Gloria''': What about Fiji? :'''Melman''': Ooh! Canada. Can we? Cheap meds. Eh? Tsk, tsk. :'''Alex''': You know, I wouldn't even mind coming back here sometime. :'''Melman''': Yeah, I could do that. :'''Gloria''': You could say that again. I always wanted to go to Australia. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Private''': Skipper! Don't you think we should tell them that the boat's out of gas? :'''Skipper''': Nah. Just smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave. ''[they wave at them, then cuts to the credits.]'' ===Scene 20: End Credits=== :''[In the post-credits scene, “I Like To Move It Move It” with every character dancing; The Gloria statue from Alex's Candy man dream shows up, but the sparkle is red & the glass stars are red too, ending the movie. The DWA 2004-2010 logo is shown, then cuts to black]'' == Taglines == * Someone's got a zoo loose. * They were not born in the wild. They were shipped there. * "Kitty misses the city." (Alex tagline) * "Black, white, and out of sight." (Marty tagline) * "On vacation without medication." (Melman tagline) * "Ton on the run." (Gloria tagline) * "They're cute. They're cuddly. They're deranged." (Lemurs tagline) * "It's all some kind of whacked out conspiracy." (Skipper tagline) == Cast == * [[w:Ben Stiller|Ben Stiller]] — Alex * [[w:Chris Rock|Chris Rock]] — Marty * [[w:David Schwimmer|David Schwimmer]] — Melman * [[w:Jada Pinkett Smith|Jada Pinkett Smith]] — Gloria * [[w:Tom McGrath|Tom McGrath]] — Skipper * [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]] — Kowalski * [[w:Christopher Knights|Chris Knights]] — Private * [[w:Jeffrey Katzenberg|Jeffrey Katzenberg]] — Rico * [[w:Sacha Baron Cohen|Sacha Baron Cohen]] — King Julien * [[w:Cedric the Entertainer|Cedric the Entertainer]] — Maurice * [[w:Andy Richter|Andy Richter]] — Mort * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — Mason * [[w:Elisa Gabrielli|Elisa Gabrielli]] — Nana == See also == * [[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa|''Madagascar 2: Escape to Africa'']] * [[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted|''Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted'']] * [[The Penguins of Madagascar]] ** [[Penguins of Madagascar|''Penguins of Madagascar'' (film)]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0351283|title=Madagascar}} {{Madagascar}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2005 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2005 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Madagascar]] [[Category:Animated films set in New York City]] [[Category:Animated films set in Madagascar]] [[Category:Films directed by Eric Darnell]] [[Category:Animated films about lions]] [[Category:Animated films about penguins]] [[Category:Animated films about zebras]] [[Category:Animated films about giraffes]] [[Category:Animated films about hippopotamuses]] [[Category:Animated films about talking animals]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] clovjs8fny634uhoe7gu4g9oq9w45v1 0 12587 3954245 3895956 2026-06-18T18:53:58Z ~2026-35673-06 3343414 3954245 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Oscar Levant in Rhapsody in Blue trailer.jpg|thumb|right|What the [[world]] [[needs]] is more [[geniuses]] with [[humility]]; there are so few of us left.]] '''[[w:Oscar Levant|Oscar Levant]]''' ([[December 27]], [[1906]] – [[August 14]], [[1972]]) was an American pianist, composer, author, comedian, and actor. He was better known for his mordant character and witticisms, on the radio and in movies and television, than for his music. __FORCETOC__ == Quotes == [[File:Oscar Levant in Barkleys of Broadway.jpg |thumb| There is a thin line between [[genius]] and [[insanity]]. <br>I have erased this line.]] [[File:An American in Paris (1951) trailer 5.jpg|thumb|I am no more [[humble]] than my [[talents]] require.]] [[File:An American in Paris (1951) trailer 3.jpg|thumb| When I used to speak of the lunatic fringe, I didn’t know I was going to be head of it.]] [[File:The Band Wagon (1953) trailer 3.jpg|thumb|As a rule I never read bad reviews about myself because my best friends invariably tell me about them.]] * It certainly will be if you are still around. ** In response to [[George Gershwin|Gershwin]]'s query, "I wonder if my music will be played a hundred years from now"; as quoted in "George the Ingenuous" by Alexander Woolcott, in ''Cosmopolitan'' (November 1933); reprinted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=ATcjgQTx0uIC&pg=PA45#v=onepage&q&f=false Ch. IV: "'...A Young Colossus...'"] from ''Gershwin Remembered'' (1992) by Edward Jablonski, pp. 44-45 ** If George is around, it will. (This version was recounted by Howard Dietz in ''Dancing in the Dark'' (1974), p. 61, in response to a virtually identical query—i.e. as to whether Gershwin's music would still be played in 100 years—posed by [[w:Newman Levy|Newman Levy]].) * Tell me, George, if you had it to do all over, would you fall in love with yourself again? ** as recounted by Levant in ''A Smattering of Ignorance'' (1940); quoted in "Books and Things" by Lewis Gannett, in ''The New York Herald Tribune'' (January 13, 1940), p. 11 * It would have been better if you had died and Gershwin had written the elegy. ** Critiquing a musical tribute composed shortly after Gershwin's death (July 11, 1937) by an unnamed mutual friend recounted in ''[[w:The Memoirs of an Amnesiac|The Memoirs of an Amnesiac]]'' (1965); and quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=DAMEAAAAMBAJ&pg=RA2-PA272&dq=%22Oscar+Levant%22&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwinnrf4gNnRAhVHwiYKHWsVBrI4FBDoAQg3MAg#v=onepage&q=%22Oscar%20Levant%22&f=false "On San Diego: You Can Bet On It"] by Tom Blair, in ''San Diego Magazine'' (September 2007), p. 272 * A symphonic conductor should reconcile himself to the realization that, regardless of his approach or temperament, the eventual result is the same — the orchestra will hate him. ** In "Music in Aspic," ''Harper's Magazine'' (October 1939), an abbreviated chapter from his soon-to-be-published ''A Smattering of Ignorance'' (1940); reproduced in [https://www.google.com/search?tbo=p&tbm=bks&q=%22Oscar+Levant%22+intitle:Gentlemen+intitle:scholars+intitle:and+intitle:scoundrels&num=10 ''Gentlemen, Scholars, and Scoundrels: A Treasury of the Best of Harper's Magazine from 1850 to the Present''] (1959), edited by Harry Knowles, p. 246 * I would like to have been present, if I could have my choice of all moments in music history, when [[Leopold Stokowski|Stokowski]] suddenly became conscious of his beautiful hands. That must have been a moment. Like stout [[w:Hernán Cortés|Cortez]] [sic] on a peak in [[w:Santa_Mar%C3%ADa_la_Antigua_del_Darién|Darien]] (I know it was [[w:Vasco Núñez de Balboa|Balboa]]) he saw before him a limitless expanse, a whole uncharted sea that might be subjected to his influence, free from the encumbrance of a baton. ** In "Music in Aspic," ''Harper's Magazine'' (October 1939) and ''A Smattering of Ignorance'' (1940); as quoted by Ray C. B. Brown in "Lightning Wit Plays On American Musical Scene; Oscar Levant Answers Unspoken Request for 'Information, Please' With Uncensored Comments on Exalted Persons" ''The Washington Post'' (January 14, 1940), p. E4 * He never asks the orchestra to do anything which contradicts the players' feeling of what the music signifies or what the printed notes of the score actually mean in plain musical language. To his credit he does not pretend to omniscience. When a certain progression of programs with the [[w:New York Philharmonic|Philharmonic]] decreed that he conduct the [[w:Brahms Fourth Symphony|Brahms Fourth Symphony]] two seasons ago, he disavowed intensive rehearsals with the simple statement to the orchestra: "Gentlemen, you know the work better than I do." Both the compliment and the attitude endeared themselves so much to the orchestra that they literally forgot themselves in a mass effort to justify his statement—and, as one of those who heard the performance, I can testify that they delivered one of the most powerful and integrated interpretations of the score that New York has experienced in years. ** On conductor [[w:George Enescu|George Enescu]], in "Music in Aspic," ''Harper's Magazine'' (October 1939) and ''A Smattering of Ignorance'' (1940); as quoted in "Lightning Wit Plays On American Musical Scene; Oscar Levant Answers Unspoken Request for 'Information, Please' With Uncensored Comments on Exalted Persons" by Ray C. B. Brown, in ''The Washington Post'' (January 14, 1940), p. E4 * Incompatibility. And besides, I think she hated me. **On why his first marriage ended in [[divorce]], in ''A Smattering of Ignorance'' (1940); as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?id=rD8EAAAAMBAJ&pg=PA55&lpg=PA55&dq=incompatibility+%22i+think+she+hated+me%22&source=bl&ots=jaka7saxHY&sig=u4HIXFS2YCrP6tV1FRwspSLWO18&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwiMzIPMzdjRAhVCOyYKHQ_ECrYQ6AEIHzAD#v=onepage&q=incompatibility%20%22i%20think%20she%20hated%20me%22&f=false "Oscar Levant, A Musical Know-It-All, Writes Book About Music And Himself"], ''Life'' (February 5, 1940), p. 55 * This piano plays. Which is more than I can say for her. ** Commenting on a sour-faced society matron in ''Kiss the Boys Goodbye'' (1941) * '''It's not a pretty face, I grant you. But underneath its flabby exterior is an enormous lack of character.''' ** Describing himself, in lines he contributed to ''An American In Paris'' (1951), although officially credited to [[w:Alan Jay Lerner|Alan Jay Lerner]], as told in ''[[w:The Memoirs of an Amnesiac|The Memoirs of an Amnesiac]]'' (1965); also quoted in ''The Dictionary of Biographical Quotation of British and American Subjects'' (1978) by Richard Kenin and Justin Wintle, p. 485. * The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. ** As quoted in ''The New Speaker's Treasury of Wit and Wisdom'' (1958) by Herbert Victor Prochnow, p. 322. * '''I don't drink liquor. I don't like it. It makes me feel good.''' * I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy. ** As quoted in ''Time'' magazine (May 5, 1958). * '''There is a thin line between [[genius]] and [[insanity]]. I have erased this line.''' ** As quoted by Cleveland Amory in ''Celebrity Register: An Irreverent Compendium of American Quotable Notables'' (1959). * Strip away the phony tinsel of Hollywood and you will find the real tinsel underneath. ** As quoted by Theodor Reik in ''Jewish Wit'' (1962), p. 104, also in ''Inquisition in Eden'' (1965) and Nat Shapiro ''Whatever It Is, I’m Against It'' (1984). * '''My last picture for Warners was [[w:Romance on the High Seas|''Romance on the High Seas'']]. It was [[w:Doris Day|Doris Day]]'s first picture; that was before she became a virgin.''' ** ''[[w:The Memoirs of an Amnesiac|The Memoirs of an Amnesiac]]'' (1965) [http://books.google.com/books?&id=yWcIAQAAMAAJ&q=%22My+last+picture+for+Warners+was+Romance+on+the+High+Seas+It+was+Doris+Day%27s+first+picture+that+was+before+she+became+a+virgin%22&pg=PA192#v=onepage] ** A later paraphrase of this appeared in ''The Wit and Wisdom of Hollywood'' (1972) by Max Wilk: "I knew [[w:Doris Day|Doris Day]] before she was a virgin." * I once said cynically of a politician, "He'll double-cross that bridge when he comes to it." ** ''The Memoirs of an Amnesiac'' (1965), p. 13; also quoted in ''The Quotable Politician'' (2003) by William B. Whitman, p. 31. * An epigram is only a wisecrack that's played at Carnegie Hall. ** As quoted in ''Coronet Magazine'' (September 1968). * I heartily approve of her campaign to beautify America. It would be greatly improved if the First Family were kept out of sight. ** On Lyndon & Lady Bird Johnson, ''The Unimportance of Being Oscar'' (1968) * [[w:Zsa Zsa Gabor|Zsa Zsa Gabor]] not only worships at The Golden Calf, she insists on barbecuing it for lunch. ** ''The Unimportance of Being Oscar'' (1968) * [[Ballet]] is the [[Homosexuality|fairies']] [[baseball]]. * The difference between the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republicans]] and the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democrats]] is that the Democrats let the [[Poverty|poor]] be [[Corruption|corrupt]], too. * [[John O'Hara]] was a terrible bore as a young man—always looking for a fight, and making sure he never found one. ** as quoted by Burt Prelutsky in [https://www.newspapers.com/newspage/161384355/ "Oscar the Magnificent"] ''The Los Angeles Times'' (January 26, 1969), p. 468. The comment about the Democrats and the Republicans is also quoted by William B. Whitman in ''The Quotable Politician'' (2003), p. 30. * Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. ** As quoted in ''Time'' (August 28, 1972). * He writes the kind of music you whistle on the way into the theater. ** On [[w:Sigmund Romberg|Sigmund Romberg]], as quoted by [[w:Howard Dietz|Howard Dietz]] in ''Dancing in the Dark'' (1974), p. 61 * If [[George Gershwin|George]] is around, it will. ** In response to a question posed by [[w:Newman Levy|Newman Levy]], as to whether Gershwin's music would still be played a hundred years hence; as quoted in ''Dancing in the Dark'' (1974), p. 61 * It's an advantage having a limited output. When George Gershwin is asked to play his repertoire, he plays all evening. I just play [[w:Lady,_Play_Your_Mandolin!#Overview|"Lady Play Your Mandolin"]] and I'm through. ** As quoted in ''Dancing in the Dark'' (1974), p. 61 * I envy people who drink — at least they know what to blame everything on. ** As quoted by Jon Winokur in ''The Portable Curmudgeon'' (1992), p. 88. * '''What the world needs is more geniuses with [[humility]]; there are so few of us left.''' ** As quoted by Gene Perret in ''On the 8th Day — God Laughed'' (1995), p. 95. * '''I am no more humble than my talents require.''' ** As quoted in ''Memorable Quotations: Jewish Writers of the Past'' (2005) edited by Carol A. Dingle. * '''I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.''' ** As quoted in ''Memorable Quotations: Jewish Writers of the Past'' (2005) edited by Carol A. Dingle. * I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients. ** As quoted in ''Memorable Quotations: Jewish Writers of the Past'' (2005) edited by Carol A. Dingle. * '''Once he makes up his mind, he's full of indecision.''' ** On President [[Dwight D. Eisenhower]], as quoted in ''The Nastiest Things Ever Said about Republicans'' (2006) by Martin Higgins, p. 83. * Now that [[Marilyn Monroe]] is kosher, [[Arthur Miller]] can eat her. ** Quip about Monroe's conversion to Judaism, on ''The Oscar Levant Show'', as quoted in ''They Knew Marilyn Monroe: Famous Persons in the Life of the Hollywood Icon'' (2012) by Les Harding === ''The Memoirs of an Amnesiac'' (1965) === * The other night my daughter Lorna reminisced about the time I regressed to complete infantilism. We were having dinner and tapioca pudding was served. A wild glint came into my eyes and in the presence of my wife and children I shrieked at the top of my voice, “I love this more than anything in the world!” I had to be withdrawn from tapioca pudding slowly. It was one of the few times I wasn’t committed to achieve withdrawal. * '''When I used to speak of the lunatic fringe, I didn’t know I was going to be head of it.''' * Apropos of nothing, I asked [Truman] Capote, “Are you for integration?” He said, “Yes, are you for integration?” I said, “I’m for disintegration… personal disintegration.” * I rated the drug Demerol over sex as the ultimate pleasure at one time. Now I don’t have access to either. * As a rule I never read bad reviews about myself because my best friends invariably tell me about them. * '''A psychiatrist once diagnosed my troubles as “an abdication of will.”''' * Instant unconsciousness had been my greatest passion for ten years. * I have seizures of momentary sanity. * In the middle and late 50′s I was in hospitals constantly. I was committed every time I drew a breath or took an extra twelve pills–which never affected me much because I’m not suicidal. * When I was in my prime, I was an egomaniac and didn’t allow my wife to buy the best sardines–the King Oscars–which bear my name. I felt there should be only one king in my house. * [Ira Gershwin] said that [P.G.] Wodehouse will address a letter, stamp it and throw it out of his third-story window onto the street trusting in the good nature of passerby to pick it up and mail it. "You know what I like about you? You're free from the slavery of talent". To aspiring actress--THE BARKLEYS OF BROADWAY(1948) == Quotations about Levant == * The book should be a happy introduction to a character who, if he did not exist, could not be imagined. ** [[w:S. N. Behrman|S. N. Behrman]], from his introduction to Levant's first book, ''A Smattering of Ignorance'' (1940); as quoted in "'A Smattering of Ignorance' Acute As Well As Amusing" by T.H.P., in ''The Hartford Courant'' (January 14, 1940) * Oscar would have been here at the head table—but he was feeling well. ** [[Milton Berle]], addressing a [[w:Friars Club of Beverly Hills|Friars Club]] luncheon in 1958, as quoted in "Levant: Deadly With an Epigram" by Ross McLean, in ''The Toronto Globe and Mail'' (August 11, 1984), p. D11 * I was fond of Oscar, but there was something about our twin natures which made us exchange insults. I told him that I wanted to make a date with him every day so that I would know where he was and could avoid the place. ** [[w:Howard Dietz|Howard Dietz]], in ''Dancing In the Dark'' (1974), p. 61 * I was on [[w:Information Please|''Information Please'']] with him and afterward there was a party and idly Oscar sat down at the piano and began to play. I remember how the conversation hushed in the crowded room. The waiters stopped serving and stood, silently listening. Yet, on [[w:Oscar Levant Show|this TV show]], he seems almost a buffoon, as if he is deliberately mocking himself, drawing a caricature of the old Levant. ** [[w:Boris Karloff|Boris Karloff]], as quoted in "The TV Scene: Loved or Loathed by Mail" by Cecil Smith, in ''The Los Angeles Times'' (March 18, 1958), p. A6 * I can see him to this day. He was witty and funny, always playing himself in the movies. He smoked so many cigarettes, there was a nicotine streak on his upper lip and on his fingers between the index finger and the second one. He was a wonderful guy—but he played the piano like a sledgehammer. ** [[w:Mitch Miller|Mitch Miller]], in [http://archives.chicagotribune.com/1987/11/15/page/358/ "Mitch Miller Remembers,"] ''The Chicago Tribune'' (November 15, 1987), Sec. 13, p. 17 * It is not always possible to predict the response of a doting Jewish mother. Witness the occasion on which the late piano virtuoso Oscar Levant telephoned his mother with some important news. He had proposed to his beloved and been accepted. Replied Mother Levant: “Good, Oscar, I’m happy to hear it. But did you practice today?” ** [[w:Liz Smith (journalist)|Liz Smith]] in ''The Mother Book'' (1978). * About his [[Neurosis|neuroses]] and [[hypochondria]], the 1920s and 1930s wit [[Alexander Woollcott]], a member of the [[w:Algonquin Round Table|Algonquin Round Table]], once said of him: "There isn't anything the matter with Levant that a few miracles wouldn't cure." ** Teichman, Howard, Smark Aleck, the Wit World and Life of Alexander Woollcott (William Morrow and Company, Inc., 1976), p. 170 == External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * [http://www.classical.net/music/comp.lst/acc/levant.html Levant at Classical Net] * [https://www.ibdb.com/broadway-cast-staff/oscar-levant-12052 Oscar Levant] at the [[w:Internet Broadway Database|Internet Broadway Database]] * {{imdb name|id=0505157|name=Oscar Levant}} * [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EGNih0TWAQs 1958 clip from the Oscar Levant Show] {{DEFAULTSORT:Levant, Oscar}} [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:1972 deaths]] [[Category:Actors from Pittsburgh]] [[Category:Comedians from the United States]] [[Category:Composers from the United States]] [[Category:Pianists from the United States]] [[Category:Songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Conductors from the United States]] [[Category:Radio personalities]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Musicians from Pittsburgh]] [[Category:Jews from the United States]] io7s3fmbe3hk9davy4g7ugiitiwg6jb 2 12668 3954141 3953509 2026-06-18T13:09:19Z UDScott 4304 /* Films */ 3954141 wikitext text/x-wiki {{userpage|UDScott}} <div style="float: right; border: 1px solid #ccc; padding: 3px; background: #f6f6f6; margin-left: 10px;"> {{User Wikiquotian For|year=2005|month=07|day=20}}</br> {{User Wikiquote admin}}</br> {{User Wikiquote bureaucrat}}</br> {{user en-N}}</br> {{User stomp footnotes}}</br> {{Hotcat}}</br> {{user contrib|212000}} </div> == About me == After cultivating an extreme movie-quote hobby, I stumbled upon this site after perusing one of its sister projects, Wikipedia. Since then, I have become quite hooked on the idea of ensuring that my favorite (or even not-so-favorite) films would have their best lines captured for posterity. I am now an administrator and bureaucrat here on Wikiquote. <hr width="50%"/> I'm a transplanted New Jersey-ian (or is it New Jersey-ite?) who has a ravenous hunger for movies and books (I rarely go through a day without one or the other). My tastes are quite diverse and range from absolute classics to thrillers to horror to comedy (both obvious and more sarcastic and tongue-in-cheek). I also particularly like [[:Category:Films noir|Films noir]] and [[:Category:Neo-noir|Neo-noir films]]. If pressed, I would list my favorite films as ''[[Three Days of the Condor]]'', ''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]'', ''[[Casablanca]]'', ''[[The Third Man]]'', ''[[Chinatown]]'', ''[[Pulp Fiction]]'', ''[[Good Will Hunting]]'', ''[[La La Land (film)|La La Land]]'', ''[[In Bruges]]'', ''[[Blood Simple]]'' (and frankly I'd watch anything by [[:Category:Films directed by the Coen brothers|the Coen brothers]]), ''[[The Godfather]]'', ''[[Hoosiers]]'', ''[[Donnie Darko]]'', ''[[It's a Wonderful Life]]'', ''[[Goodfellas]]'', ''[[The Seven Samurai]]'', ''[[The Man in the Moon]]'', ''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]'', ''[[Nobody's Fool (1994 film)|Nobody's Fool]]'', ''[[Absence of Malice]]'', anything by [[w:Alfred Hitchcock|Alfred Hitchcock]] (especially ''[[Shadow of a Doubt]]'', ''[[Rear Window]]'', ''[[North by Northwest]]'' and ''[[Rope (film)|Rope]]''), anything by [[Akira Kurosawa]], and maybe ''[[Halloween (1978 film)|Halloween]]'' (There. How's that for diverse?). As for TV, as with many WQ people, I am a devout ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer|Buffy]]'' fan. I would also include among my favorites ''[[Severance (TV series)|Severance]]'', ''[[Midnight Mass (miniseries)|Midnight Mass]]'', ''[[Mr. Robot]]'', ''[[The Handmaid's Tale (TV series)|The Handmaid's Tale]]'', ''[[The Leftovers (TV series)|The Leftovers]]'', ''[[Stranger Things (TV series)|Stranger Things]]'', ''[[Shameless (U.S. TV series)|Shameless]]'', ''[[Homeland (TV series)‎|Homeland]]'', ''[[Alias (TV series)|Alias]]'', ''[[Lost (TV series)|Lost]]'', ''[[Friday Night Lights (TV series)|Friday Night Lights]]'', ''[[Veronica Mars]]'', ''[[Gilmore Girls]]'', ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]'', ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]'', ''[[My So-Called Life]]'', ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]'', ''[[The West Wing]]'', ''[[The Wire]]'', ''[[The Shield]]'', ''[[True Blood (TV series)|True Blood]]'', ''[[Breaking Bad]]'', ''[[Chuck (TV series)|Chuck]]'', ''[[Mad Men]]'', ''[[Damages (TV series)|Damages]]'', ''[[Fringe]]'', ''[[Rescue Me]]'', ''[[The Wonder Years]]'', ''[[Justified (TV series)|Justified]]'', ''[[Sons of Anarchy]]'', and ''[[The Twilight Zone]]''. My favorite authors would include [[Stephen King]], [[Charles Dickens]], [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], [[Ray Bradbury]], [[T. S. Eliot]], [[Neil Gaiman]] (love, love, love ''[[American Gods]]''), [[George Orwell]], [[George Bernard Shaw]], and [[G. K. Chesterton]]. <hr width="50%"/> And: I am HUGE fan of [[Dinosaur Comics]]! It ROCKS! <hr width=50%/> While my interests in Wikiquote primarily focus on films and a few of my favorite TV shows, you never know where I'll pop up. I especially like to rescue pages marked for deletion (if rescue is warranted) and to expand pages that are languishing. == Useful stuff == * [[Help:Starting a new page]] * [[Help:Editing]] * [[User:Jeffq/Admin shortcuts]] * [[User:Ningauble/Useful/VFD tips]] * [[User:HouseOfChange/Useful]] * [[Wikiquote:Template messages/User talk]] * [[Wikiquote:Shortcuts]] * [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance]] * [[Special:Specialpages|Special pages]] * [[Special:LintErrors|Lint]] *<code><nowiki>{{cite news|first= |last= |author= |url= |title= |work= |publisher= |pages= |page= |date= |accessdate= }}</nowiki></code> *<code><nowiki>{{cite book | last = | first = | authorlink = | coauthors = | year = | title = | publisher = | location = | id = | page= }} </nowiki></code> *<code><nowiki>{{cite web|url= |title= |accessdate= |accessmonthday= |accessyear= |author= |last= |first= |authorlink= |coauthors= |date= |year= |month= |format= |work= |publisher= |pages= |language= |archiveurl= |archivedate=}} </Nowiki></code> * <code><nowiki>{{quotation limit|type=tv|length= }}</nowiki></code> * <code><nowiki>{{quotation limit|type=film|length= }}</nowiki></code> * To split into two columns: <code><nowiki>{{col-begin}}{{col-2}}{{col-2}}{{col-end}}</nowiki></code> * [[m:Promoting users|Promoting users]] (for Bots, Admins, etc.) == Favorite quotes == * I hear you say 'Why?' Always 'Why?' You see things; and you say 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say 'Why not?' ** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Back to Methuselah'', Pt. I, Act I (1921) * The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. ** [[George Bernard Shaw]], ''Revolutionist's Handbook'' * A man should never be ashamed to own he has been in the wrong, which is but saying, in other words, that he is wiser today than he was yesterday. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Thoughts on Various Subjects'' (1727) * There is no such thing on earth as an uninteresting subject; the only thing that can exist is an uninterested person. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''[[Heretics (book)|Heretics]]'', Chapter III: "On Mr. Rudyard Kipling and Making the World Small" (1905) * The changing wisdom of successive generations discards ideas, questions facts, demolishes theories. But the artist appeals to that part of our being which is not dependent on wisdom: to that in us which is a gift and not an acquisition — and, therefore, more permanently enduring. He speaks to our capacity for delight and wonder, to the sense of mystery surrounding our lives; to our sense of pity, and beauty, and pain; to the latent feeling of fellowship with all creation — and to the subtle but invincible, conviction of solidarity that knits together the loneliness of innumerable hearts: to the solidarity in dreams, in joy, in sorrow, in aspirations, in illusions, in hope, in fear, which binds men to each other, which binds together all humanity — the dead to the living and the living to the unborn. ** [[Joseph Conrad]], ''[[The Nigger of the "Narcissus"]]'', Preface (1897) * A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it. ** [[G. K. Chesterton]], ''[[The Everlasting Man]]'', Part II: On the Man Called Christ, Ch. 6: The Five Deaths of the Faith (1925) * All religions, arts and sciences are branches of the same tree. All these aspirations are directed toward ennobling man's life, lifting it from the sphere of mere physical existence and leading the individual towards freedom. ** [[Albert Einstein]], "Moral Decay" (1937); Later published in Out of My Later Years (1950) * Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. The mediocre mind is incapable of understanding the man who refuses to bow blindly to conventional prejudices and chooses instead to express his opinions courageously and honestly. ** [[Albert Einstein]], Letter to Morris Raphael Cohen, professor emeritus of philosophy at the College of the City of New York, defending the appointment of [[Bertrand Russell]] to a teaching position (19 March 1940) * The important thing is not to stop questioning; curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when contemplating the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of the mystery every day. The important thing is not to stop questioning; never lose a holy curiosity. ** [[Albert Einstein]], Statement to William Miller, as quoted in LIFE magazine (2 May 1955) * The most beautiful experience we can have is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion that stands at the cradle of true art and true science. Whoever does not know it and can no longer wonder, no longer marvel, is as good as dead, and his eyes are dimmed. ** [[Albert Einstein]], ''Mein Weltbild (My World-view)'' (1931) * Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist. He who would gather immortal palms must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind. Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Self Reliance'', from ''[[s:Essays: First Series|Essays: First Series]]'' (1841) * This I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. ** [[John Steinbeck]], ''[[w:East of Eden|East of Eden]]'', Part 1, Ch. 13 * Humankind has become so much one family that we cannot ensure our own prosperity except by ensuring that of everyone else. If you wish to be happy yourself, you must resign yourself to seeing others also happy. ** [[Bertrand Russell]], "The Science to Save Us from Science," ''The New York Times Magazine'' (March 19, 1950) * Do I dare<br>Disturb the universe?<br>In a minute there is time<br>For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse. ** [[T.S. Eliot]], ''[[w:The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock|The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock]]'' (1915) * This is the way the world ends<br>Not with a bang but a whimper. ** [[T.S. Eliot]], ''[[w:The Hollow Men|The Hollow Men]]'' (1925) * His tired gaze - from passing endless bars - <br> has turned into a vacant stare which nothing holds. <br> To him there seem to be a thousand bars, <br> and out beyond these bars exists no world. <p> His supple gait, the smoothness of strong strides <br> that gently turn in ever smaller circles <br> perform a dance of strength, centered deep within <br> a will, stunned, but untamed, indomitable. <p> But sometimes the curtains of his eyelids part, <br> the pupils of his eyes dilate as images <br> of past encounters enter while through his limbs <br> a tension strains in silence <br> only to cease to be, to die within his heart. ** [[Rainer Maria Rilke]], ''The Panther'' (1907), translated by Albert Ernest Flemming * Before I built a wall I’d ask to know<br>What I was walling in or walling out, <br>And to whom I was like to give offence.<br>Something there is that doesn’t love a wall,<br>That wants it down. ** [[Robert Frost]], ''Mending Wall'' (1915) * Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—<br>I took the one less traveled by,<br>And that has made all the difference. ** [[Robert Frost]], ''The Road Not Taken'' (1916) * I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death! ** [[Patrick Henry]], ''Speech in Virginia Convention'', Richmond (March 23, 1775) * Some birds are not meant to be caged, that's all. Their feathers are too bright, their songs too sweet and wild. So you let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure. ** [[Stephen King]], ''Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption'', from ''Different Seasons'' (1982) * I met a traveller from an antique land<br>Who said:&mdash;Two vast and trunkless legs of stone<br>Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,<br>Half sunk, a shatter'd visage lies, whose frown<br>And wrinkled lip and sneer of cold command<br>Tell that its sculptor well those passions read<br>Which yet survive, stamp'd on these lifeless things,<br>The hand that mock'd them and the heart that fed.<br>And on the pedestal these words appear:<br>"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:<br>Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair!"<br>Nothing beside remains: round the decay<br>Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,<br>The lone and level sands stretch far away. ** [[Percy Bysshe Shelley]], ''Ozymandius'' (1818) * Truth, after all, wears a different face to everybody, and it would be too tedious to wait till all were agreed. She is said to lie at the bottom of a well, for the very reason, perhaps, that whoever looks down in search of her sees his own image at the bottom, and is persuaded not only that he has seen the goddess, but that she is far better looking than he had imagined. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''On Democracy'' (October 6, 1884) * Life and death, union and separation, follow hard upon one another. Nothing is steadfast but the will, nothing endures but one’s achieve­ments. These alone count in life. ** [[Yoshida Shoin]], ''Yoshida Shoin Zenshu'', Vol. II * No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it for anyone else. ** [[Charles Dickens]], ''Our Mutual Friend'' (1864-1865) * He is truly a man who will not permit himself to be unduly elated when fortune’s breeze is favorable, or cast down when it is adverse. ** [[Livy|Titus Livius]] (Livy), ''Histories'', Book XLV, sec. 8 * A person is a person because he recognizes others as persons. ** [[Desmond Tutu]], Address at his enthronement as Anglican archbishop of Cape Town (7 September 1986) * ''Lo maggior don che Dio per sua larghezza<br>fesse creando, e a la sua bontate<br>più conformato, e quel ch'e' più apprezza,<br>fu de la volontà la libertate;<br>di che le creature intelligenti,<br>e tutte e sole, fuore e son dotate.'' ** The greatest gift that God in His bounty made in creation,<br>and the most conformable to His goodness,<br>and that which He prizes the most,<br>was the freedom of will,<br>with which the creatures with intelligence,<br>they all and they alone, were and are endowed. ** [[Dante Alighieri]], ''[[The Divine Comedy]]'', ''Paradiso'', Canto V, lines 19-24 * Do... or do not. There is no try. ** [[Yoda]], ''[[Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back]]'' (1980) * Gods die. And when they truly die they are unmourned and unremembered. Ideas are more difficult to kill than people, but they can be killed, in the end. ** [[Neil Gaiman]], ''[[American Gods]]'', ch. 3 (2001) * There's never been a true war that wasn't fought between two sets of people who were certain they were in the right. The really dangerous people believe they are doing whatever they are doing solely and only because it is without question the right thing to do. And that is what makes them dangerous. ** [[Neil Gaiman]], ''[[American Gods]]'', ch. 9 (2001) * Creativity is seeing what everyone else sees, but then thinking a new thought that has never been thought before and expressing it somehow. ** [[Neil deGrasse Tyson]], {{cite web|url=http://www.convergemag.com/stem/Global-Ideas-from-Plutos-Challenger.html |title=Global Ideas from Pluto's Challenger |accessdate=December 7, 2010 |author=Marina Leight |date=May 21, 2009}} == To do == === Additions === <div style="font-size:smaller;"> * Finish adding to and cleaning up ''[[Brothers & Sisters (2006 TV series)]]'' - Completed Season 1 * Finish ''[[St. Elsewhere]]'' - Completed Seasons 1-3 * Finish ''[[Hill Street Blues]]'' - Completed Season 1, 2, 3 * Finish ''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]] - Completed Seasons 1, 2 * Work on pages from [[Wikiquote:Academy Award nominated screenplays]] * Bring [[Dinosaur Comics]] up to date * Work on [[:Category:Move into Wikiquote]] </div> === Trimming === <div style="font-size:smaller;"> * Trim ''[[Shameless (American TV series)]]'' season pages * Work on [[:Category:Pages which need their copyright status checked]] * Trim ''[[CSI: NY]]'' - completed Season 1 * Trim ''[[Supernatural (TV series)]]'' - completed Season 1 * Trim ''[[NCIS (TV series)]]'' * Trim ''[[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]]'' * Trim ''[[Angel (TV series)]]'' * Trim ''[[The Golden Girls]]'' - completed Season 1 * Trim ''[[Charmed (TV series)]]'' * Trim ''[[Bones (TV series)]]'' - completed Season 1 * Trim ''[[Malcolm in the Middle‎]]'' - completed Season 1 * Trim [[Josiah Gregg]] * Trim ''[[One Tree Hill]]'' - completed Season 1 * Trim ''[[Dexter (TV series)|Dexter]]'' - completed Seasons 1, 2 </div> === Other === <div style="font-size:smaller;"> * Complete diffusion of categories within [[:Category:Women by occupation]] * <s>Complete diffusion of [[:Category:Women scientists]]</s> * Work on [[:Category:Categories requiring diffusion]] * Work on [[:Category:Articles to be merged]] * Work on [[Special:UncategorizedPages]] * Work on [[:Category:Articles lacking sources]] * Complete cleanup of [[:Category:Films by director]] - completed through S * Complete cleanup of ''[[The X-Files]]'' - Completed through Season 1 * Add character & episode links to ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]'' - Completed through Season 2 </div> === Completed === <div style="font-size:smaller;"> * <s>Complete ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]'' seasons</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Finish trimming & formatting ''[[Malcolm in the Middle]]'' </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2012) (season 5)]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Finish cleaning up [[:Category:Activists]]</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]'' pages - completed Seasons 1-12</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]'' seasons</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]'', add character wikilinks</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Veronica Mars]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add custom TOC to ''[[Veronica Mars]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Finish trimming ''[[Smallville]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[Ed (TV series)|Ed]]'' seasons</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Finish trimming ''[[Alias (TV series)|Alias]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Finish trimming ''[[The West Wing]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Season 7]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[NewsRadio]]'' </s> ''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Three Days of the Condor]]'' </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[It's a Wonderful Life]]'' </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Donnie Darko]]'' </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Separate out the [[Hellraiser]] films into their own pages, create disambig page for the series (as was done with the [[A Nightmare on Elm Street]] films)</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add page for ''[[Big Love]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]'' seasons</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim and clean up ''[[Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008 TV series)]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add to [[Lionel Richie]]</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Separate out the [[James Bond]] films into their own pages, create disambig page</s>. '''Completed''' ** <s>Completed for ''[[Dr. No (film)|Dr. No]]'', ''[[Goldfinger (film)|Goldfinger]]'', ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)|On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' ''[[Thunderball (film)|Thunderball]]'', ''[[You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]'', ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)|On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'', ''[[Diamonds Are Forever (film)|Diamonds Are Forever]]'', ''[[Live and Let Die (film)|Live and Let Die]]'', ''[[The Man with the Golden Gun (film)|The Man with the Golden Gun]]'', ''[[The Spy Who Loved Me (film)|The Spy Who Loved Me]]'', ''[[Moonraker (film)|Moonraker]]'', ''[[For Your Eyes Only (film)|For Your Eyes Only]]'', ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'', ''[[The World Is Not Enough]]'', and ''[[Octopussy]]''.</s> * <s>Complete ''[[Cheers (TV series)|Cheers]]''</s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]'' and fix char links </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add a page for [[Holland-Dozier-Holland]] (Motown songwriters) </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add [[The Beach Boys]] </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add page for [[Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller]], songwriters </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[The Shield]]'' seasons </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[Magnum, P.I.]]'' seasons </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add page for [[The Allman Brothers Band]] </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[Everwood]]'' seasons </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Add pages for remaining [[Martin Scorsese]] films </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Monk (TV series)]]'' </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Create separate pages for each of the ''[[Highlander]]'' films </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Complete ''[[Jericho (TV series)|Jericho]]'' episodes </s> '''Completed''' * <s>Trim ''[[Family Feud]]'' and other game show pages. </s> '''Completed''' </div> == Wikiquote pages == === I created === ==== Films ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :''[[12 Years a Slave (film)|12 Years a Slave]]'' ~ ''[[13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi]]'' ~ ''[[20th Century Women]]'' ~ ''[[The 39 Steps (1935 film)|39 Steps, The (1935 film)]]'' ~ ''[[50/50 (2011 film)|50/50]]'' ~ ''[[127 Hours]]'' ~ ''[[The 400 Blows|400 Blows, The]]'' ~ ''[[The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T|5,000 Fingers of Dr. T, The]]'' ~ ''[[8½]]'' ~ ''[[A Star Is Born (1954 film)|Star is Born, A (1954 film)]]'' ~ ''[[About Last Night...]]'' ~ ''[[Absence of Malice]]'' ~ ''[[Absolute Power (film)|Absolute Power]]'' ~ ''[[The Accidental Tourist (film)|Accidental Tourist, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Accused (1988 film)|Accused, The (1988 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Adam's Rib]]'' ~ ''[[The Adjustment Bureau|Adjustment Bureau, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Adventures of Robin Hood (film)|Adventures of Robin Hood, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (film)|Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, The]]'' ~ ''[[The African Queen|African Queen, The]]'' ~ ''[[After Dark, My Sweet]]'' ~ ''[[After Hours (film)|After Hours]]'' ~ ''[[Aguirre, the Wrath of God]]'' ~ ''[[The Alamo (1960 film)|Alamo, The (1960 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Albatross (film)|Albatross]]'' ~ ''[[Alfie (1966 film)|Alfie]]'' ~ ''[[Albino Alligator]]'' ~ ''[[Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore]]'' ~ ''[[All Quiet on the Western Front (2022 film)]]'' ~ ''[[All the King's Men (1949 film)]]'' ~ ''[[All the Right Moves]]'' ~ ''[[Almost Famous]]'' ~ ''[[Amarcord]]'' ~ ''[[American Fiction (film)|American Fiction]]'' ~ ''[[American Graffiti]]'' ~ ''[[American Me]]'' ~ ''[[American Pie]]'' ~ ''[[American Pie 2]]'' ~ ''[[An American in Paris]]'' ~ ''[[American Sniper (film)|American Sniper]]'' ~ ''[[The Americanization of Emily|Americanization of Emily, The]]'' ~ ''[[Amistad (film)|Amistad]]'' ~ ''[[Amour (2012 film)|Amour]]'' ~ ''[[An Education]]'' ~ ''[[Anatomy of a Murder]]'' ~ ''[[...And Justice for All (film)|...And Justice For All]]'' ~ ''[[And the Band Played On (film)|And the Band Played On]]'' ~ ''[[Angels Over Broadway]]'' ~ ''[[Angels with Dirty Faces]]'' ~ ''[[Animal Crackers (film)|Animal Crackers]]'' ~ ''[[Anora]]'' ~ ''[[Antwone Fisher (film)|Antwone Fisher]]'' ~ ''[[Apocalypto]]'' ~ ''[[Apt Pupil (film)|Apt Pupil]]'' ~ ''[[Around the World in 80 Days (1956 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Arrival (film)|Arrival]]'' ~ ''[[Assassination of a High School President]]'' ~ ''[[The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford|Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, The]]'' ~ ''[[Atlantic City (1980 film)|Atlantic City]]'' ~ ''[[Au revoir les enfants]]'' ~ ''[[Avalon (1990 film)|Avalon]]'' ~ ''[[Away from Her]]'' ~ ''[[The Awful Truth|Awful Truth, The]]'' ~ ''[[Backrooms]]'' ~ ''[[The Bad and the Beautiful|Bad and the Beautiful, The]]'' ~ ''[[Bad Day at Black Rock]]'' ~ ''[[Bad Moms]]'' ~ ''[[Bad Taste]]'' ~ ''[[Badlands (film)|Badlands]]'' ~ ''[[Bananas (film)|Bananas]]'' ~ ''[[The Banshees of Inisherin|Banshees of Inisherin, The]]'' ~ ''[[Barbarian (2022 film)|Barbarian]]'' ~ ''[[Barcelona (film)|Barcelona]]'' ~ ''[[Barry Lyndon]]'' ~ ''[[Batman (1966 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Battle of Algiers|Battle of Algiers, The]]'' ~ ''[[Beasts of the Southern Wild]]'' ~ ''[[Beau Geste (1939 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Beautiful Girls (film)|Beautiful Girls]]'' ~ ''[[The Beast of Yucca Flats|Beast of Yucca Flats, The]]'' ~ ''[[Before Midnight (film)|Before Midnight]]'' ~ ''[[Belfast (film)|Belfast]]'' ~ ''[[The Believer (film)|Believer, The]]'' ~ ''[[Ben-Hur (1959 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Best in Show]]'' ~ ''[[Best Laid Plans (1999 film)|Best Laid Plans]]'' ~ ''[[The Best Years of Our Lives|Best Years of Our Lives, The]]'' ~ ''[[Bicycle Thieves]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Chill (film)|The Big Chill]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Easy (film)|Big Easy, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Red One|Big Red One, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Short (film)|Big Short, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Sleep (1946 film)|Big Sleep, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Birds|Birds, The]]'' ~ ''[[Birdman (film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Black Cat (1934 film)|Black Cat, The]]'' ~ ''[[Black Swan (film)|Black Swan]]'' ~ ''[[Blackboard Jungle]]'' ~ ''[[BlacKkKlansman]]'' ~ ''[[The Blood on Satan's Claw|Blood on Satan's Claw. The]]'' ~ ''[[Blood Simple]]'' ~ ''[[Bloody Sunday (film)|Bloody Sunday]]'' ~ ''[[Blow Out]]'' ~ ''[[Blue Chips]]'' ~ ''[[Blue Collar (film)|Blue Collar]]'' ~ ''[[The Blue Dahlia|Blue Dahlia, The]]'' ~ ''[[Blue Jasmine]]'' ~ ''[[Blue Velvet]]'' ~ ''[[Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice]]'' ~ ''[[Bohemian Rhapsody (film)|Bohemian Rhapsody]]'' ~ ''[[The Bold Caballero|Bold Caballero, The]]'' ~ ''[[Booksmart]]'' ~ ''[[Borat Subsequent Moviefilm]]'' ~ ''[[Boyhood (film)|Boyhood]]'' ~ ''[[The Boys from Brazil (film)|Boys from Brazil, The]]'' ~ ''[[Boys Town (film)|Boys Town]]'' ~ ''[[Boyz n the Hood]]'' ~ ''[[Breaking Away]]'' ~ ''[[Brian's Song]]'' ~ ''[[Bridge of Spies (film)|Bridge of Spies]]'' ~ ''[[Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia]]'' ~ ''[[Broadcast News (film)|Broadcast News]]'' ~ ''[[Brooklyn (film)|Brooklyn]]'' ~ ''[[The Brothers McMullen|Brothers McMullen, The]]'' ~ ''[[Brubaker]]'' ~ ''[[The Brutalist|Brutalist, The]]'' ~ ''[[Bugonia (film)|Bugonia]]'' ~ ''[[Bull Durham]]'' ~ ''[[Bullitt]]'' ~ ''[[Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee (film)|Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee]]'' ~ ''[[The Cabin in the Woods|Cabin in the Woods, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Caine Mutiny (film)|Caine Mutiny, The]]'' ~ ''[[Call Me by Your Name (film)|Call Me by Your Name]]'' ~ ''[[Camille (1936 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Can't Buy Me Love]]'' ~ ''[[The Candidate (1972 film)|Candidate, The]]'' ~ ''[[Candy (2006 film)|Candy]]'' ~ ''[[Cape Fear (1991 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Capricorn One]]'' ~ ''[[Captain Phillips (film)|Captain Phillips]]'' ~ ''[[Carnal Knowledge]]'' ~ ''[[Carol (film)|Carol]]'' ~ ''[[Casualties of War]]'' ~ ''[[Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (film)|Cat on a Hot Tin Roof]]'' ~ ''[[Chasing Amy]]'' ~ ''[[Children of Paradise]]'' ~ ''[[Children of the Corn (1984 film)|Children of the Corn]]'' ~ ''[[China Seas (film)|China Seas]]'' ~ ''[[Chloe (film)|Chloe]]'' ~ ''[[Chocolat (2000 film)|Chocolat]]'' ~ ''[[A Chorus Line (film)|Chorus Line, A]]'' ~ ''[[Christine (1983 film)|Christine]]'' ~ ''[[The Cincinnati Kid|Cincinnati Kid, The]]'' ''[[City of Angels]]'' ~ ''[[Class of Nuke 'Em High]]'' ~ ''[[Close Encounters Of The Third Kind]]'' ~ ''[[Cobra (1986 film)|Cobra]]'' ~ ''[[Collateral]]'' ~ ''[[The Color Purple (1985 film)|Color Purple, The (1985)]]'' ~ ''[[Coma (1978 film)|Coma]]'' ~ ''[[Coming Home]]'' ~ ''[[The Commitments|Commitments, The]]'' ~ ''[[A Complete Unknown]]'' ~ ''[[Compulsion (film)|Compulsion]]'' ~ ''[[Conclave (film)|Conclave]]'' ~ ''[[The Constant Gardener (film)|Constant Gardener, The]]'' ~ ''[[Contagion (film)|Contagion]]'' ~ ''[[The Contender (film)|Contender, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Country Girl (1954 film)|Country Girl, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Conversation|Conversation, The]]'' ~ ''[[Crazy Rich Asians (film)|Crazy Rich Asians]]'' ~ ''[[Cries and Whispers]]'' ~ ''[[Crimewave]]'' ~ ''[[Crimson Tide]]'' ~ ''[[Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon]]'' ~ ''[[Croupier (film)|Croupier]]'' ~ ''[[Cry Freedom]]'' ~ ''[[The Crying Game|Crying Game, The]]'' ~ ''[[Dallas Buyers Club]]'' ~ ''[[Dances with Wolves]]'' ~ ''[[Dark Passage (film)‎|Dark Passage]]'' ~ ''[[Dave (film)|Dave]]'' ~ ''[[Day for Night (film)|Day for Night]]'' ~ ''[[The Day of the Jackal (film)|Day of the Jackal, The]]'' ~ ''[[D.E.B.S.]]'' ~ ''[[Dead Calm (film)|Dead Calm]]'' ~ ''[[Dead Man Walking (film)|Dead Man Walking]]'' ~ ''[[The Dead Zone (film)|Dead Zone, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Deer Hunter|Deer Hunter, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Defiant Ones|Defiant Ones, The]]'' ~ ''[[Deliverance]]'' ~ ''[[The Descendants (film)|Descendants, The]]'' ~ ''[[Destry Rides Again]]'' ~ ''[[Devil in a Blue Dress (film)|Devil in a Blue Dress]]'' ~ ''[[Dial M for Murder]]'' ~ ''[[The Dirty Dozen|Dirty Dozen, The]]'' ~ ''[[Dirty Rotten Scoundrels (film)]]'' ~ ''[[Disturbing Behavior]]'' ~ ''[[Dodsworth (film)|Dodsworth]]'' ~ ''[[Don Jon]]'' ~ ''[[Don Q, Son of Zorro]]'' ~ ''[[Don't Look Up]]'' ~ ''[[The Doors (film)|Doors, The]]'' ~ ''[[Dr. Ehrlich's Magic Bullet]]'' ~ ''[[Dracula (1958 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Dracula: Prince of Darkness]]'' ~ ''[[Dracula's Daughter]]'' ~ ''[[Dreamscape (1984 film)|Dreamscape]]'' ~ ''[[Dressed to Kill (1980 film)|Dressed to Kill]]'' ~ ''[[Drive My Car (film)|Drive My Car]]'' ~ ''[[Drowning Mona]]'' ~ ''[[Drugstore Cowboy]]'' ~ ''[[Drumline (film)|Drumline]]'' ~ ''[[Duck Soup]]'' ~ ''[[Duel in the Sun (film)|Duel in the Sun]]'' ~ ''[[Easy Rider]]'' ~ ''[[The Edge of Seventeen|Edge of Seventeen, The]]'' ~ ''[[Educating Rita (film)|Educating Rita]]'' ~ ''[[Eight Men Out]]'' ~ ''[[Election (1999 film)|Election]]'' ~ ''[[Elizabeth (film)|Elizabeth]]'' ~ ''[[Elmer Gantry (film)|Elmer Gantry]]'' ~ ''[[Elves (film)|Elves]]'' ~ ''[[The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain|Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain, The]]'' ~ ''[[Escape from New York]]'' ~ ''[[Everest (2015 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Everybody Wants Some!! (film)|Everybody Wants Some!!]]'' ~ ''[[Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask)]]'' ~ ''[[The Evil Dead|Evil Dead, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Exorcist|Exorcist, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Fabelmans]]'' ~ ''[[The Fabulous Baker Boys|Fabulous Baker Boys, The]]'' ~ ''[[A Face in the Crowd (film)|Face in the Crowd, A]]'' ~ ''[[Faces (1968 film)|Faces]]'' ~ ''[[Far from Heaven]]'' ~ ''[[Farewell, My Lovely (1975 film)|Farewell, My Lovely (1975)]]'' ~ ''[[Fatal Attraction]]'' ~ ''[[The Father (2020 film)|Father, The]]'' ~ ''[[Father of the Bride (1991 film)|Father of the Bride]]'' ~ ''[[The Favourite (film)|Favourite, The]]'' ~ ''[[Fences (film)|Fences]]'' ~ ''[[The Fighter|Fighter, The]]'' ~ ''[[First Knight]]'' ~ ''[[First Reformed]]'' ~ ''[[Five Easy Pieces]]'' ~ ''[[Five Minutes of Heaven]]'' ~ ''[[Force 10 from Navarone (film)|Force 10 from Navarone]]'' ~ ''[[Foreign Correspondent (film)|Foreign Correspondent]]'' ~ ''[[The Formula (1980 film)|Formula, The]]'' ~ ''[[Fort Apache, The Bronx]]'' ~ ''[[Foxcatcher (film)|Foxcatcher]]'' ~ ''[[Frailty]]'' ~ ''[[Frances Ha]]'' ~ ''[[The French Connection (film)|French Connection, The]]'' ~ ''[[Frenzy]]'' ~ ''[[Friday Night Lights (film)|Friday Night Lights]]'' ~ ''[[The Friends of Eddie Coyle|Friends of Eddie Coyle, The]]'' ~ ''[[From Here to Eternity]]'' ~ ''[[Frost/Nixon (film)|Frost/Nixon]]'' ~ ''[[Funny Farm (film)|Funny Farm]]'' ~ ''[[Fury (1936 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Gallipoli (1981 film)|Gallipoli]]'' ~ ''[[Gandhi (film)|Gandhi]]'' ~ ''[[Gaslight (1944 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Get Out (film)|Get Out]]'' ~ ''[[The Getaway (1972 film)|Getaway, The (1972)]]'' ~ ''[[Giant (1956 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Giant Claw|Giant Claw, The]]'' ~ ''[[Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery]]'' ~ ''[[Glen or Glenda]]'' ~ ''[[The Glenn Miller Story|Glenn Miller Story, The]]'' ~ ''[[Glory (film)|Glory]]'' ~ ''[[Go (1999 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Godfather: Part II|Godfather, The: Part II]]'' ~ ''[[Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939 film)|Goodbye, Mr. Chips (1939 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Grand Budapest Hotel|Grand Budapest Hotel, The]]'' ~ ''[[Grand Canyon (1991 film)|Grand Canyon]]'' ~ ''[[The Grapes of Wrath (film)|Grapes of Wrath, The]]'' ~ ''[[Gravity (film)|Gravity]]'' ~ ''[[The Great McGinty|Great McGinty, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Greatest Show on Earth (film)|Greatest Show on Earth, The]]'' ~ ''[[Green Book (film)|Green Book]]'' ~ ''[[Green Room (film)|Green Room]]'' ~ ''[[Green Zone (film)|Green Zone]]'' ~ ''[[Greenberg (film)|Greenberg]]'' ~ ''[[The Grifters (film)|Grifters, The]]'' ~ ''[[Guarding Tess]]'' ~ ''[[Gun Crazy]]'' ~ ''[[Gung Ho (film)|Gung Ho]]'' ~ ''[[The Guns of Navarone (film)|Guns of Navarone, The]]'' ~ ''[[Hacksaw Ridge]]'' ~ ''[[Hail the Conquering Hero]]'' ~ ''[[Halloween (1978 film)|Halloween]]'' ~ ''[[Hamburger Hill]]'' ~ ''[[Hamnet (film)|Hamnet]]'' ~ ''[[Hannah and Her Sisters]]'' ~ ''[[The Happening (2008 film)|Happening, The]]'' ~ ''[[Hard Candy (film)|Hard Candy]]'' ~ ''[[Hard Eight (film)|Hard Eight]]'' ~ ''[[Harry and Tonto]]'' ~ ''[[The Hateful Eight|Hateful Eight, The]]'' ~ ''[[Hellbound: Hellraiser II]]'' ~ ''[[Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth]]'' ~ ''[[Hellraiser: Bloodline]]'' ~ ''[[Hellraiser: Inferno]]'' ~ ''[[Hellraiser: Hellseeker]]'' ~ ''[[Hellraiser: Deader]]'' ~ ''[[Hellraiser: Hellworld]]'' ~ ''[[Her (film)|Her]]'' ~ ''[[Hereditary (film)|Hereditary]]'' ~ ''[[Heretic (film)|Heretic]]'' ~ ''[[Hidden Figures]]'' ~ ''[[The Hidden Fortress|Hidden Fortress, The]]'' ~ ''[[High and Low (1963 film)|High and Low]]'' ~ ''[[High Noon]]'' ~ ''[[Holiday Inn (film)|Holiday Inn]]'' ~ ''[[Il Postino]]'' ~ ''[[His Girl Friday]]'' ~ ''[[The Holdovers|Holdovers, The]]'' ~ ''[[Hollywood Shuffle]]'' ~ ''[[Homicide (1991 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Hoosiers]]'' ~ ''[[Horse Feathers]]'' ~ ''[[The Hot Spot|Hot Spot, The]]'' ~''[[The Hound of the Baskervilles (1939 film)|Hound of the Baskervilles, The (1939 film)]]'' ~ ''[[House of Usher (film)|House of Usher]]'' ~ ''[[Houseboat (film)|Houseboat]]'' ~ ''[[How Green Was My Valley (film)|How Green Was My Valley]]'' ~ ''[[How the West Was Won (film)|How the West Was Won]]'' ~ ''[[Hud (film)|Hud]]'' ~ ''[[The Human Comedy (film)|Human Comedy, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Hustler|Hustler, The]]'' ~ ''[[I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang]]'' ~ ''[[The Ides of March (film)|Ides of March]]'' ~ ''[[If....]]'' ~ ''[[If Beale Street Could Talk (film)|If Beale Street Could Talk]]'' ~ ''[[Imagine Me & You]]'' ~ ''[[The Imitation Game|Imitation Game, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Impossible (2012 film)|Impossible, The]]'' ~ ''[[In & Out]]'' ~ ''[[In a Lonely Place]]'' ~ ''[[In Cold Blood (film)|In Cold Blood]]'' ~ ''[[In the Line of Fire]]'' ~ ''[[In the Name of the Father (film)|In the Name of the Father]]'' ~ ''[[In Which We Serve]]'' ~ ''[[Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Invisible Man (2020 film)|Invisible Man, The (2020 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Invitation (2015 film)|Invitation, The]]'' ~ ''[[It (2017 film)]]'' ~ ''[[It Conquered the World]]'' ~ ''[[It Follows]]'' ~ ''[[It Happened One Night]]'' ~ ''[[JFK (film)|JFK]]'' ~ ''[[Jacob's Ladder (film)|Jacob's Ladder]]'' ~ ''[[Jailhouse Rock (film)|Jailhouse Rock]]'' ~ ''[[Jigsaw (1949 film)|Jigsaw]]'' ~ ''[[Joe Versus the Volcano]]'' ~ ''[[John Adams (miniseries)|John Adams]]'' ~ ''[[John Wick: Chapter 2]]'' ~ ''[[John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum]]'' ~ ''[[Judas and the Black Messiah]]'' ~ ''[[Just Before Dawn (1981 film)|Just Before Dawn]]'' ~ ''[[Just One of the Guys]]'' ~ ''[[K2 (film)|K2]]'' ~ ''[[Kagemusha]]'' ~ ''[[The Kentucky Fried Movie|Kentucky Fried Movie, The]]'' ~ ''[[Kicking and Screaming]]'' ~ ''[[The Kids Are All Right (film)|Kids Are All Right, The]]'' ~ ''[[Khartoum (1966 film)|Khartoum]]'' ~''[[The Killer Inside Me (2010 film)|Killer Inside Me, The]]'' ~ ''[[Killer Klowns From Outer Space]]'' ~ ''[[The Killing (film)|Killing, The]]'' ~ ''[[The King of Comedy (1983 film)|The King of Comedy]]'' ~ ''[[King of New York]]'' ~ ''[[The King's Speech|King's Speech, The]]'' ~ ''[[Kings Row]]'' ~ ''[[Kiss Me Deadly]]'' ~ ''[[Klute]]'' ~ ''[[Knives Out]]'' ~ ''[[La La Land (film)|La La Land]]'' ~ ''[[La Strada]]'' ~ ''[[Lady Bird (film)|Lady Bird]]'' ~ ''[[The Lady Eve|Lady Eve, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Lady from Shanghai|Lady from Shanghai, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Lady Vanishes (1938 film)|Lady Vanishes, The (1938 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Last Days of Disco|Last Days of Disco, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Last Detail|Last Detail, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Last King of Scotland (film)|Last King of Scotland, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Last of the Mohicans (1992 film)|Last of the Mohicans, The (1992 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Last Picture Show|Last Picture Show, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Last Seduction|Last Seduction, The]]'' ~ ''[[Laura (1944 film)|Laura]]'' ~ ''[[The Lavender Hill Mob|Lavender Hill Mob, The]]'' ~ ''[[Leave Her to Heaven]]'' ~ ''[[Leaving Las Vegas]]'' ~ ''[[The Letter (1940 film)|Letter, The (1940 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Letter from an Unknown Woman (1948 film)]]'' ~ ''[[A Letter to Three Wives|Letter to Three Wives, A]]'' ~ ''[[Licorice Pizza]]'' ~ ''[[The Life of David Gale|Life of David Gale, The]]'' ~ ''[[Lifeboat (film)|Lifeboat]]'' ~ ''[[The Limey|Limey, The]]'' ~ ''[[Lincoln (2012 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Lincoln Lawyer (film)|Lincoln Lawyer, The]]'' ~ ''[[Lion (2016 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Little Caesar (film)|Little Caesar]]'' ~ ''[[The Little Foxes (film)|Little Foxes, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Lives of a Bengal Lancer (film)|Lives of a Bengal Lancer, The]]'' ~ ''[[Living (2022 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Lobster|Lobster, The]]'' ~ ''[[Logan Lucky]]'' ~ ''[[Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels]]'' ~ ''[[Lolita (1962 film)|Lolita (1962 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Lone Star (1996 film)|Lone Star]]'' ~ ''[[The Long Goodbye (film)|Long Goodbye, The]]'' ~ ''[[Longlegs]]'' ~ ''[[Looper (film)|Looper]]'' ~ ''[[Lorenzo's Oil]]'' ~ ''[[Lost Horizon (film)|Lost Horizon]]'' ~ ''[[The Lost Weekend|Lost Weekend, The]]'' ~ ''[[Lucas (film)|Lucas]]'' ~ ''[[MacArthur (film)|MacArthur]]'' ~ ''[[The Magnificent Ambersons (film)|Magnificent Ambersons, The]]'' ~ ''[[Man of the West]]'' ~ ''[[The Man in the Moon|Man in the Moon, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Man Who Wasn't There|Man Who Wasn't There, The]]'' ~ ''[[Manchester by the Sea (film)|Manchester by the Sea]]'' ~ ''[[Margin Call]]'' ~ ''[[Margot at the Wedding]]'' ~ ''[[The Mark of Zorro (1920 film)|Mark of Zorro, The (1920 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Mark of Zorro (1940 film)|Mark of Zorro, The (1940 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Mark of Zorro (1974 film)|Mark of Zorro, The (1974 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Marnie (film)|Marnie]]'' ~ ''[[Marriage Story]]'' ~ ''[[The Martian (film)|Martian, The]]'' ~ ''[[Marty (film)|Marty]]'' ~ ''[[The Masque of the Red Death (1964 film)|Masque of the Red Death]]'' ~ ''[[The Master (2012 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Master of the World (1961 film)]]'' ~ ''[[MaXXXine]]'' ~ ''[[May December]]'' ~ ''[[Mean Streets]]'' ~ ''[[Meatballs (film)|Meatballs]]'' ~ ''[[Meet John Doe]]'' ~ ''[[Meet Me in St. Louis]]'' ~ ''[[Meet the Parents]]'' ~ ''[[The Messenger (2009 film)|Messenger, The]]'' ~ ''[[Metropolis (1927 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Metropolitan (film)|Metropolitan]]'' ~ ''[[Midnight Cowboy]]'' ~ ''[[Midnight Express (film)|Midnight Express]]'' ~ ''[[Midsommar (film)|Midsommar]]'' ~ ''[[Mildred Pierce (film)|Mildred Pierce]]'' ~ ''[[Minari]]'' ~ ''[[The Miracle of Morgan's Creek|Miracle of Morgan's Creek, The]]'' ~ ''[[Miracle on 34th Street]]'' ~ ''[[Mississippi Burning]]'' ~ ''[[The Missouri Breaks|Missouri Breaks, The]]'' ~ ''[[Mr. Holland's Opus]]'' ~ ''[[Mr. Mom]]'' ~ ''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]'' ~ ''[[Mrs. Miniver (film)|Mrs. Miniver]]'' ~ ''[[Molly's Game]]'' ~ ''[[Money Train]]'' ~ ''[[Moneyball (film)|Moneyball]]'' ~ ''[[Monster's Ball]]'' ~ ''[[Moonlight (2016 film)|Moonlight]]'' ~ ''[[Moonrise Kingdom]]'' ~ ''[[Mother!]]'' ~ ''[[Mud (2012 film)|Mud]]'' ~ ''[[Mudbound (film)|Mudbound]]'' ~ ''[[Murder, My Sweet]]'' ~ ''[[Murder on the Orient Express (1974 film)|Murder on the Orient Express]]'' ~ ''[[Mutiny on the Bounty (1935 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)]]'' ~ ''[[My Darling Clementine]]'' ~ ''[[My Man Godfrey]]'' ~ ''[[Mystic Pizza]]'' ~ ''[[The Naked City|Naked City, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Natural (film)|Natural, The]]'' ~ ''[[Near Dark]]'' ~ ''[[Nebraska (film)|Nebraska]]'' ~ ''[[Needful Things (film)|Needful Things]]'' ~ ''[[Never Give a Sucker an Even Break|Never Give a Sucker an Even Break]]'' ~ ''[[Never Let Me Go (2010 film)|Never Let Me Go]]'' ~ ''[[New York, New York (film)|New York, New York]]'' ~ ''[[Nickel Boys]]'' ~ ''[[Night Moves (film)|Night Moves]]'' ~ ''[[Night Shift (film)|Night Shift]]'' ~ ''[[Night Train to Munich]]'' ~ ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street|Nightmare on Elm Street, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge|Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master|Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child|Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, A]]'' ~ ''[[Ninotchka]]'' ~ ''[[No Way Out (1950 film)]]'' ~ ''[[No Way Out (1987 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Nomadland (film)|Nomadland]]'' ~ ''[[North by Northwest]]'' ~ ''[[Nosferatu (2024 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Notes on a Scandal (film)|Notes on a Scandal]]'' ~ ''[[Notorious]]'' ~ ''[[Now, Voyager]]'' ~ ''[[O Lucky Man!]]'' ~ ''[[Obsession (2025 film)|Obsession]]'' ~ ''[[Ocean's Thirteen]]'' ~ ''[[Office Christmas Party]]'' ~ ''[[Oklahoma (1955 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Once Upon a Time in Hollywood]]'' ~ ''[[One Battle After Another]]'' ~ ''[[One Night in Miami...]]'' ~ ''[[The Opposite of Sex|Opposite of Sex, The]]'' ~ ''[[Out of the Past]]'' ~ ''[[Out of Sight]]'' ~ ''[[Outside Providence (film)|Outside Providence]]'' ~ ''[[The Package (1989 film)|Package, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Paper Chase (film)|Paper Chase, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Paradine Case|Paradine Case, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Parallax View|Parallax View]]'' ~ ''[[Parasite (2019 film)|Parasite]]'' ~ ''[[Paths of Glory]]'' ~ ''[[The Pawnbroker (film)|The Pawnbroker]]'' ~ ''[[Pay It Forward]]'' ~ ''[[Pearl (2022 film)|Pearl]]'' ~ ''[[Peggy Sue Got Married]]'' ~ ''[[The Pelican Brief (film)|Pelican Brief, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Perks of Being a Wallflower (film)|Perks of Being a Wallflower, The]]'' ~ ''[[Pet Sematary (film)|Pet Sematary]]'' ~ ''[[The Piano|Piano, The]]'' ~ ''[[Pickup on South Street]]'' ~ ''[[Pillow Talk (film)|Pillow Talk]]'' ~ ''[[The Pink Panther (1963 film)|Pink Panther, The (1963)]]'' ~ ''[[Pitch Perfect 2]]'' ~ ''[[Pitch Perfect 3]]'' ~ ''[[Places in the Heart]]'' ~ ''[[Play Misty for Me]]'' ~ ''[[The Player (film)|Player, The]]'' ~ ''[[Point Blank (1967 film)|Point Blank]]'' ~ ''[[Poltergeist (film)|Poltergeist]]'' ~ ''[[Ponette]]'' ~ ''[[Poor Things (film)|Poor Things]]'' ~ ''[[The Post (film)|Post, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Power of the Dog (film)|Power of the Dog, The]]'' ~ ''[[Precious: Based on the Novel "Push" by Sapphire]]'' ~ ''[[Presumed Innocent (film)|Presumed Innocent]]'' ~ ''[[Primal Fear (film)|Primal Fear]]'' ~ ''[[Princess O'Rourke]]'' ~ ''[[Private Parts]]'' ~ ''[[The Producers (1968 film)|Producers (1968 film), The]]'' ~ ''[[The Producers (2005 film)|Producers (2005 film), The]]'' ~ ''[[Project X (2012 film)]]'' ~''[[Prometheus (film)|Prometheus]]'' ~ ''[[Promising Young Woman]]'' ~ ''[[Pump Up the Volume|Pump Up the Volume]]'' ~ ''[[The Purple Rose of Cairo|Purple Rose of Cairo, The]]'' ~ ''[[Q&A (film)|Q&A]]'' ~ ''[[Queen Christina (film)|Queen Christina]]'' ~ ''[[Radio Days]]'' ~ ''[[Raiders of the Lost Ark]]'' ~ ''[[The Rainmaker (1997 film)|Rainmaker, The]]'' ~ ''[[Ransom (1996 film)|Ransom]]'' ~ ''[[The Raven (1963 film)|Raven, The]]'' ~ ''[[Raw Deal (1948 film)|Raw Deal (1948)]]'' ~ ''[[A Real Pain|Real Pain, A]]'' ~ ''[[Rebecca (film)|Rebecca]]'' ~ ''[[Rebel Without a Cause]]'' ~ ''[[Red River (film)|Red River]]'' ~ ''[[Red Rock West]]'' ~ ''[[The Red Shoes (1948 film)|Red Shoes, The]]'' ~ ''[[Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins]]'' ~ ''[[The Revenant (2015 film)|Revenant, The]]'' ~ ''[[Reversal of Fortune]]'' ~ ''[[Risky Business]]'' ~ ''[[A River Runs Through It (film)|A River Runs Through It]]'' ~ ''[[River's Edge]]'' ~ ''[[The Road (film)|Road, The]]'' ~ ''[[Road to Perdition]]'' ~ ''[[The Roaring Twenties|Roaring Twenties, The]]'' ~ ''[[Rob Roy (1995 film)|Rob Roy]]'' ~ ''[[Robot Monster]]'' ~ ''[[RockNRolla]]'' ~ ''[[Rocky II]]'' ~ ''[[Rolling Thunder (film)|Rolling Thunder]]'' ~ ''[[Romancing the Stone]]'' ~ ''[[Room (2015 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Rope (film)|Rope]]'' ~ ''[[Rosemary's Baby (film)|Rosemary's Baby]]'' ~ ''[[The Rules of the Game|Rules of the Game, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Ruling Class|Ruling Class, The]]'' ~ ''[[Running on Empty (1988 film)|Running on Empty]]'' ~ ''[[Rush (1991 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Saboteur (film)|Saboteur]]'' ~ ''[[St. Elmo's Fire (film)|St. Elmo's Fire]]'' ~ ''[[Salvador (film)|Salvador]]'' ~ ''[[Sands of Iwo Jima]]'' ~ ''[[Sanjuro]]'' ~ ''[[Santa Claus Conquers the Martians]]'' ~ ''[[The Savages (film)|Savages, The]]'' ~ ''[[School Ties]]'' ~ ''[[The Science of Sleep|Science of Sleep, The]]'' ~ ''[[Scorpio (film)|Scorpio]]'' ~ ''[[Scott Pilgrim vs. the World]]'' ~ ''[[Sentimental Value]]'' ~ ''[[September 5 (film)|September 5]]'' ~ ''[[The Set-Up (1949 film)|Set-Up, The (1949)]]'' ~ ''[[Seven Brides for Seven Brothers]]'' ~ ''[[Seven Days in May]]'' ~ ''[[The Seven-Per-Cent Solution (film)|Seven-Per-Cent Solution, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Seventh Veil|Seventh Veil, The]]'' ~ ''[[Sex, Lies, and Videotape]]'' ~ ''[[Sexy Beast]]'' ~ ''[[Shadow of a Doubt]]'' ~ ''[[Shakespeare in Love]]'' ~ ''[[Shampoo (film)|Shampoo]]'' ~ ''[[She's the One]]'' ~ ''[[Ship of Fools (film)|Ship of Fools]]'' ~ ''[[A Shot in the Dark (1964 film)|Shot in the Dark, A (1964)]]'' ~ ''[[Shutter Island (film)|Shutter Island]]'' ~ ''[[Sicario (2015 film)|Sicario]]'' ~ ''[[Silver Bullet (film)|Silver Bullet]]'' ~ ''[[Silver Linings Playbook]]'' ~ ''[[Silver Streak (1976 film)|Silver Streak]]'' ~ ''[[Singin' In The Rain]]'' ~ ''[[Singles (1992 film)|Singles]]'' ~ ''[[Slacker (film)|slacker]]'' ~ ''[[Sleeping with the Enemy]]'' ~ ''[[Sneakers (1992 film)|Sneakers]]'' ~ ''[[Snowpiercer]]'' ~ ''[[Something Wicked This Way Comes (film)|Something Wicked This Way Comes]]'' ~ ''[[Sometimes in April]]'' ~ ''[[Sorcerer (film)|Sorcerer]]'' ~ ''[[The Sound of Music|Sound of Music, The]]'' ~ ''[[Southland Tales]]'' ~ ''[[The Spanish Prisoner|Spanish Prisoner, The]]'' ~ ''[[Spartan (film)|Spartan]]'' ~ ''[[Speak (film)|Speak]]'' ~ ''[[The Spectacular Now|Spectacular Now, The]]'' ~ ''[[Spotlight (film)|Spotlight]]'' ~ ''[[The Squid and the Whale|Squid and the Whale, The]]'' ~ ''[[Stage Door]]'' ~ ''[[Stagecoach (1939 film)‎|Stagecoach]]'' ~ ''[[The Stanford Prison Experiment (film)|Stanford Prison Experiment, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Star Chamber|Star Chamber, The]]'' ~ ''[[A Star Is Born (1937 film)|Star Is Born, A (1937 film)]]'' ~ ''[[State of Grace (film)|State of Grace]]'' ~ ''[[The Stepfather (1987 film)|Stepfather, The (1987)]]'' ~ ''[[Straight Outta Compton (film)|Straight Outta Compton]]'' ~ ''[[The Strange Love of Martha Ivers|Strange Love of Martha Ivers, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Stranger (1946 film)|Stranger, The (1946)]]'' ~ ''[[Strangers on a Train]]'' ~ ''[[Stranger on the Third Floor]]'' ~ ''[[Stripes]]'' ~ ''[[Sullivan's Travels]]'' ~ ''[[Summer of '42]]'' ~ ''[[The Sundowners|Sundowners, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Substance|Substance, The]]'' ~ ''[[Super Size Me]]'' ~ ''[[Superman: The Movie]]'' ~ ''[[Superman II]]'' ~ ''[[Suspicion (film)|Suspicion]]'' ~ ''[[Sweet Home Alabama]]'' ~ ''[[Swimming to Cambodia]]'' ~ ''[[Talk to Me (2022 film)|Talk to Me]]'' ~ ''[[Taps]]'' ~ ''[[Tár]]'' ~ ''[[Target (1985 film)|Target (1985)]]'' ~ ''[[Targets]]'' ~ ''[[Tequila Sunrise (film)|Tequila Sunrise]]'' ~ ''[[Terms of Endearment]]'' ~ ''[[Thank You for Smoking]]'' ~ ''[[Thelma & Louise]]'' ~ ''[[They Live by Night]]'' ~ ''[[This Is the End]]'' ~ ''[[Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines]]'' ~ ''[[Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri]]'' ~ ''[[The Three Musketeers (1948 film)|Three Musketeers, The (1948)]]'' ~ ''[[Throne of Blood]]'' ~ ''[[Tin Cup]]'' ~ ''[[Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (film)|Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy]]'' ~ ''[[Titanic (1953 film)]]'' ~ ''[[To Catch a Thief (film)|To Catch a Thief]]'' ~ ''[[To Kill a Mockingbird (film)|To Kill a Mockingbird]]'' ~ ''[[To Live and Die in L.A. (film)|To Live and Die in L.A.]]'' ~ ''[[Tokyo Story]]'' ~ ''[[Tomorrow Never Dies]]'' ~ ''[[Tootsie]]'' ~ ''[[Top Gun]]'' ~ ''[[Topaz (1969 film)|Topaz]]'' ~ ''[[Torn Curtain]]'' ~ ''[[A Touch of Class (film)|Touch of Class, A]]'' ~ ''[[The Town (2010 film)|Town, The (2010)]]'' ~ ''[[The Toxic Avenger|Toxic Avenger, The]]'' ~ ''[[Trading Places]]'' ~ ''[[The Trial (1962 film)|Trial, The (1962)]]'' ~ ''[[The Trial of the Chicago 7|Trial of the Chicago 7, The]]'' ~ ''[[Trouble in Paradise (1932 film)]]'' ~ ''[[True Grit (2010 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Twilight Zone: The Movie]]'' ~ ''[[Twins (1988 film)|Twins]]'' ~ ''[[Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me]]'' ~ ''[[Two for the Road (film)|Two for the Road]]'' ~ ''[[The Two Jakes|Two Jakes, The]]'' ~ ''[[Uncle Buck]]'' ~ ''[[Up in the Air (film)|Up in the Air]]'' ~ ''[[Up the Down Staircase (film)|Up the Down Staircase]]'' ~ ''[[Us (2019 film)|Us (2019)]]'' ~ ''[[Vanishing Point (1971 film)|Vanishing Point]]'' ~ ''[[Varsity Blues (film)|Varsity Blues]]'' ~ ''[[Vera Drake]]'' ~ ''[[The Verdict|Verdict, The]]'' ~ ''[[Vertigo]]'' ~ ''[[Very Bad Things]]'' ~ ''[[Vice (2018 film)|Vice]]'' ~ ''[[The Visit (2015 American film)|Visit, The]]'' ~ ''[[Waking the Dead (film)|Waking the Dead]]'' ~ ''[[The Way Way Back|Way Way Back, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Wedding Date|Wedding Date, The]]'' ~ ''[[Wes Craven's New Nightmare]]'' ~ ''[[When a Stranger Calls (1979 film)|When a Stranger Calls (1979)]]'' ~ ''[[While We're Young (film)|While We're Young]]'' ~ ''[[Whiplash (2014 film)|Whiplash]]'' ~ ''[[White Men Can't Jump]]'' ~ ''[[The Whole Nine Yards|Whole Nine Yards, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Wicker Man|Wicker Man, The]]'' ~ ''[[Wild at Heart (film)|Wild at Heart]]'' ~ ''[[The Wild Bunch|Wild Bunch, The]]'' ~ ''[[Wild Things (film)|Wild Things]]'' ~ ''[[Winter's Bone]]'' ~ ''[[The Witch (2015 film)|Witch, the]]'' ~ ''[[The Witches of Eastwick (film)|Witches of Eastwick, The]]'' ~ ''[[Witchfinder General (film)|Witchfinder General]]'' ~ ''[[Witness (1985 film)|Witness]]'' ~ ''[[The Wolf of Wall Street (2013 film)|Wolf of Wall Street, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Woman in the Window|Woman in the Window, The]]'' ~ ''[[Woman of the Year]]'' ~ ''[[Women Talking (film)|Women Talking]]'' ~ ''[[Wonder Boys (film)|Wonder Boys]]'' ~ ''[[Working Girl]]'' ~ ''[[The World According to Garp (film)|World According to Garp]]'' ~ ''[[The World Is Not Enough|World Is Not Enough, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Wrestler (2008 film)|Wrestler, The]]'' ~ ''[[Written on the Wind]]'' ~ ''[[The Wrong Man|Wrong Man, The]]'' ~ ''[[Wuthering Heights (1939 film)]]'' ~ ''[[X (2022 film)|X]]'' ~ ''[[X the Unknown]]'' ~ ''[[Y Tu Mamá También]]'' ~ ''[[The Yakuza|Yakuza, The]]'' ~ ''[[Young Mr. Lincoln]]'' ~ ''[[Youngblood (1986 film)|Youngblood]]'' ~ ''[[Z (1969 film)|Z]]'' </div> ==== TV Shows ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :''[[American Dreams]]'' ~ ''[[American Gods (TV series)|American Gods]]'' ~ ''[[American Gothic (TV series)|American Gothic]]'' ~ ''[[American Horror Story]]'' ~ ''[[Barney Miller]]'' ~ ''[[Beauty and the Geek]]'' ~ ''[[Big Love]]'' ~ ''[[Big Shots (TV series)|Big Shots]]'' ~ ''[[Billions (TV series)|Billions]]'' ~ ''[[Boomtown]]'' ~ ''[[Boston Public]]'' ~ ''[[The Bridge (2013 TV series)|Bridge, The]]'' ~ ''[[Bridgerton]]'' ~ ''[[Brotherhood (2006 TV series)|Brotherhood]]'' ~ ''[[Cagney & Lacey]]'' ~ ''[[Camelot (TV series)|Camelot]]'' ~ ''[[A Charlie Brown Christmas|Charlie Brown Christmas, A]]'' ~ ''[[China Beach]]'' ~ ''[[CHiPs]]'' ~ ''[[Chuck (TV series)|Chuck]]'' ~ ''[[The Closer|Closer, The]]'' ~ ''[[Columbo]]'' ~ ''[[Crime Story (TV series)|Crime Story]]'' ~ ''[[Criminal Minds]]'' ~ ''[[Damages (TV series)|Damages]]'' ~ ''[[Danger Man]]'' ~ ''[[w:Dark (TV series)|Dark]]'' ~ ''[[The Diplomat (American TV series)|Diplomat, The]]'' ~ ''[[Dirty Sexy Money]]'' ~''[[Ed (TV series)|Ed]]'' ~ ''[[The Event|Event, The]]'' ~ ''[[Felicity (TV series)|Felicity]]'' ~ ''[[Ghost Whisperer]]'' ~ ''[[The Good Wife (TV series)|Good Wife, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Handmaid's Tale (TV series)|Handmaid's Tale, The]]'' ~ ''[[Happy Endings (TV series)|Happy Endings]]'' ~ ''[[Hardcastle and McCormick]]'' ~ ''[[The Haunting of Bly Manor|Haunting of Bly Manor, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Haunting of Hill House (TV series)|Haunting of Hill House, The]]'' ~ ''[[Hill Street Blues]]'' ~ ''[[Homicide: Life on the Street]]'' ~ ''[[House of Lies]]'' ~ ''[[How I Met Your Mother]]'' ~ ''[[Hunter (1984 American TV series)|Hunter]]'' ~ ''[[In the Heat of the Night (TV series)|In the Heat of the Night]]'' ~ ''[[In Treatment]]'' ~ ''[[It – Welcome to Derry]]'' ~ ''[[Jericho (TV series)|Jericho]]'' ~ ''[[Jersey Shore]]'' ~ ''[[Justified (TV series)|Justified]]'' ~ ''[[Kojak]]'' ~ ''[[Kolchak: The Night Stalker]]'' ~ ''[[Lovejoy]]'' ~ ''[[Luther (TV series)|Luther]]'' ~ ''[[Matt Houston]]'' ~ ''[[Midnight Mass (miniseries)|Midnight Mass]]'' ~ ''[[Murder One (TV series)|Murder One]]'' ~ ''[[My So-Called Life]]'' ~ ''[[Narcos]]'' ~ ''[[Nash Bridges]]'' ~ ''[[NYPD Blue]]'' ~ ''[[October Road]]'' ~ ''[[Ozark (TV series)|Ozark]]'' ~ ''[[Party of Five]]'' ~ ''[[The Pitt|Pitt, The]]'' ~ ''[[Police Woman (TV series)|Police Woman]]'' ~ ''[[Prison Break]]'' ~ ''[[Quincy, M.E.]]'' ~ ''[[Raising Hope]]'' ~ ''[[Ringer (TV series)|Ringer]]'' ~ ''[[The Rookies|Rookies, The]]'' ~ ''[[Rubicon (TV series)|Rubicon]]'' ~ ''[[Runaway (TV series)|Runaway]]'' ~ ''[[Salem's Lot (1979 miniseries)]]'' ~ ''[[Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town (film)|Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town]]'' ~ ''[[Schoolhouse Rock!]]'' ~ ''[[Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!]]'' ~ ''[[St. Elsewhere]]'' ~ ''[[The Shield|Shield, The]]'' ~ ''[[Simon & Simon]]'' ~ ''[[Soap (TV series)|Soap]]'' ~ ''[[Sons of Anarchy]]'' ~ ''[[Spartacus: Blood and Sand]]'' ~ ''[[Spenser: For Hire]]'' ~ ''[[Starsky & Hutch]]'' ~ ''[[The Streets of San Francisco|Streets of San Francisco, The]]'' ~ ''[[T. J. Hooker]]'' ~ ''[[Top Chef]]'' ~ ''[[Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974 TV special)|Twas the Night Before Christmas]]'' ~ ''[[The Twilight Zone (1985 TV series)]]'' ~ [[Utopia (UK TV series)|''Utopia'']] ~ ''[[Vikings (2013 TV series)|Vikings]]'' ~ ''[[Wildfire (TV series)|Wildfire]]'' ~ ''[[Wiseguy (TV series)|Wiseguy]]'' ~ ''[[Without a Trace]]'' ~ ''[[The Year Without a Santa Claus|Year Without a Santa Claus, The]]'' ~ ''[[Zorro Rides Again]]'' ~ ''[[Zorro's Fighting Legion]]'' </div> ==== People ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[Aravind Adiga|Adiga, Aravind]] ~ [[Matthew Arnold|Arnold, Matthew]] ~ [[Chester A. Arthur|Arthur, Chester A.]] ~ [[Richard Barnfield|Barnfield, Richard]] ~ [[Aphra Behn|Behn, Aphra]] ~ [[Edward Bellamy|Bellamy, Edward]] ~ [[Claude Bernard|Bernard, Claude]] ~ [[Gabriel Biel|Biel, Gabriel]] ~ [[Bion]] ~ [[William Blackstone|Blackstone, William]] ~ [[Alexis Bledel|Bledel, Alexis]] ~ [[Roy Blount, Jr.|Blount, Roy]] ~ [[Franz Boas|Boas, Franz]] ~ [[Jacques-Bénigne Bossuet|Bossuet, Jacques-Bénigne]] ~ [[Carl Bernstein|Bernstein, Carl]] ~ [[William Bradford (1590-1657)|Bradford, William]] ~ [[F. H. Bradley|Bradley, F. H.]] ~ [[Robert Bridges|Bridges, Robert]] ~ [[Rick Bright|Bright, Rick]] ~ [[Henry Brougham, 1st Baron Brougham and Vaux|Brougham, Henry]] ~ [[Pierce Brown|Brown, Pierce]] ~ [[James Buchanan|Buchanan, James]] ~ [[Georg Büchner|Büchner, Georg]] ~ [[John C. Calhoun|Calhoun, John C.]] ~ [[Thomas Campbell|Campbell, Thomas]] ~ [[Jane Welsh Carlyle|Carlyle, Jane Welsh]] ~ [[Grover Cleveland|Cleveland, Grover]] ~ [[Stephen L. Carter|Carter, Stephen L.]] ~ [[Constantine P. Cavafy|Cavafy, Constantine P.]] ~ [[Émile Chartier|Chartier, Émile]] ~ [[Lee Child|Child, Lee]] ~ [[Arthur Hugh Clough|Clough, Arthur Hugh]] ~ [[Colley Cibber|Cibber, Colley]] ~ [[James Fenimore Cooper|Cooper, James Fenimore]] ~ [[Pierre Corneille|Corneille, Pierre]] ~ [[Rubén Darío|Darío, Rubén]] ~ [[Daniel Day-Lewis|Day-Lewis, Daniel]] ~ [[Pedro Calderón de la Barca|de la Barca, Pedro Calderón]] ~ [[Walter de la Mare|de la Mare, Walter]] ~ [[Alphonse de Lamartine|de Lamartine, Alphonse]] ~ [[Thomas De Quincey|De Quincey, Thomas]] ~ [[Carol Ann Duffy|Duffy, Carol Ann]] ~[[Charles Fletcher Dole|Dole, Charles Fletcher]] ~ [[Fernando de Rojas|de Rojas, Fernando]] ~ [[Anne Louise Germaine de Staël|de Staël, Anne Louise Germaine]] ~ [[E.L. Doctorow|Doctorow, E.L.]] ~ [[Richard Durbin|Durbin, Richard]] ~ [[Max Eastman|Eastman, Max]] ~ [[Jonathan Edwards|Edwards, Jonathan]] ~ [[Ralph Ellison|Ellison, Ralph]] ~ [[Ennius]] ~ [[Frederick William Faber|Faber, Frederick William]] ~ [[Eugene Field|Field, Eugene]] ~ [[Millard Fillmore|Fillmore, Millard]] ~ [[David Fincher|Fincher, David]] ~ [[Herbert Fisher|Fisher, Herbert]] ~ [[Patrick Fitzgerald|Fitzgerald, Patrick]] ~ [[Jeff Flake|Flake, Jeff]] ~ [[John Fletcher|Fletcher, John]] ~ [[Charles James Fox|Fox, Charles James]] ~ [[James Frazer|Frazer, James]] ~ [[Peter Freund|Freund, Peter]] ~ [[Bill Frist|Frist, Bill]] ~ [[John Galsworthy|Galsworthy, John]] ~ [[James A. Garfield|Garfield, James A.]] ~ [[Kenneth Grahame|Grahame, Kenneth]] ~ [[Sarah Grimké|Grimké, Sarah]] ~ [[Joseph Hall|Hall, Joseph]] ~ [[Edith Hamilton|Hamilton, Edith]] ~ [[August Heckscher II|Heckscher II, August]] ~ [[Auberon Herbert|Herbert, Auberon]] ~ [[Holland-Dozier-Holland]] ~ [[Learned Hand|Hand, Learned]] ~ [[Warren G. Harding|Harding, Warren G.]] ~ [[Ben Harper|Harper, Ben]] ~ [[Robert Harris (novelist)|Harris, Robert]] ~ [[William Henry Harrison|Harrison, William Henry]] ~ [[John Hart (author)|Hart, John]] ~ [[William Harvey|Harvey, William]] ~ [[Rutherford B. Hayes|Hayes, Rutherford B.]] ~ [[William Randolph Hearst|Hearst, William Randolph]] ~ [[Reginald Heber|Heber, Reginald]] ~ [[Felicia Hemans|Hemans, Felicia]] ~ [[Robert Herrick (poet)|Herrick, Robert]] ~ [[Aaron Hill (writer)|Hill, Aaron]] ~ [[Thomas Hood|Hood, Thomas]] ~ [[William Dean Howells|Howells, William Dean]] ~ [[Ignatius of Loyola]] ~ [[Shirley Jackson|Jackson, Shirley]] ~ [[Jerome K. Jerome|Jerome, Jerome K.]] ~ [[Sarah Orne Jewett|Jewett, Sarah Orne]] ~ [[Andrew Johnson|Johnson, Andrew]] ~ [[James Weldon Johnson|Johnson, James Weldon]] ~ [[Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller]] ~ [[Junius]] ~ [[Yoshida Kenkō|Kenkō, Yoshida]] ~ [[Rockwell Kent|Kent, Rockwell]] ~ [[Jon Krakauer|Krakauer, Jon]] ~ [[Louis Kronenberger|Kronenberger, Louis]] ~ [[Johann Kaspar Lavater|Lavater, Johann Kaspar]] ~ [[Robert M. La Follette Sr.|La Follette Sr., Robert M.]] ~ [[Peter Mere Latham|Latham, Peter Mere]] ~ [[Dennis Lehane|Lehane, Dennis]] ~ [[Alain-René Lesage|Lesage, Alain-René]] ~ [[Henry Cabot Lodge|Lodge, Henry Cabot]] ~ [[Cesare Lombroso|Lombroso, Cesare]] ~ [[Richard Lovelace|Lovelace, Richard]] ~ [[James Russell Lowell|Lowell, James Russell]] ~ [[Lucretius]] ~ [[Karl Marlantes]] ~ [[John Marshall|Marshall, John]] ~ [[George Mason|Mason, George]] ~ [[Robert McCammon|McCammon, Robert]] ~ [[Colum McCann|McCann, Colum]] ~ [[Tom McCarthy (writer)|McCarthy, Tom]] ~ [[William McKinley|McKinley, William]] ~ [[Menander]] ~ [[George Meredith|Meredith, George]] ~ [[James Monroe|Monroe, James]] ~ [[Thomas Moore|Moore, Thomas]] ~ [[John Morley, 1st Viscount Morley of Blackburn|Morley, John]] ~ [[George Nicholas|Nicholas, George]] ~ [[Joyce Carol Oates|Oates, Joyce Carol]] ~ [[William Osler|Osler, William]] ~ [[James Otis|Otis, James]] ~ [[Theodore Parker|Parker, Theodore]] ~ [[Francis Parkman|Parkman, Francis]] ~ [[Stel Pavlou|Pavlou, Stel]] ~ [[Ivan Pavlov|Pavlov, Ivan]] ~ [[Petrarch]] ~ [[Phaedrus]] ~ [[Wendell Phillips|Phillips, Wendell]] ~ [[Franklin Pierce|Pierce, Franklin]] ~ [[William Pitt, 1st Earl of Chatham|Pitt, William]] ~ [[Pliny the Elder]] ~ [[Pliny the Younger]] ~ [[James K. Polk|Polk, James K.]] ~ [[Matthew Prior|Prior, Matthew]] ~ [[Ptahhotep]] ~ [[Ptolemy]] ~ [[Jean Racine|Racine, Jean]] ~ [[Lisa Randall|Randall, Lisa]] ~ [[Ernest Renan|Renan, Ernest]] ~ [[Romain Rolland|Rolland, Romain]] ~ [[Christina Rossetti|Rossetti, Christina]] ~ [[Dante Gabriel Rossetti|Rossetti, Dante Gabriel]] ~ [[Richard Russo|Russo, Richard]] ~ [[Saadi]] ~ [[Andrei Sakharov|Sakharov, Andrei]] ~ [[George Savile, 1st Marquess of Halifax|Savile, George]] ~ [[John Searle|Searle, John]] ~ [[John Selden|Selden, John]] ~ [[Sextus Propertius]] ~ [[Yoshida Shoin|Shoin, Yoshida]] ~ [[Gene Simmons|Simmons, Gene]] ~ [[Michael Marshall Smith|Smith, Michael Marshall]] ~ [[Robert Southey|Southey, Robert]] ~ [[Arlen Specter|Specter, Arlen]] ~ [[Mickey Spillane|Spillane, Mickey]] ~ [[St. Jerome]] ~ [[Henry St John, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke|St. John, Henry, 1st Viscount Bolingbroke]] ~ [[Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield|Stanhope, Philip]] ~ [[Richard Steele|Steele, Richard]] ~ [[James Kenneth Stephen|Stephen, James Kenneth]] ~ [[Laurence Sterne|Sterne, Laurence]] ~ [[Arthur Symons|Symons, Arthur]] ~ [[John Millington Synge]] ~ [[Zachary Taylor|Taylor, Zachary]] ~ [[Theognis of Megara]] ~ [[Paul Theroux|Theroux, Paul]] ~ [[James Thomson|Thomson, James]] ~ [[Francis Thompson|Thompson, Francis]] ~ [[Steve Toltz|Toltz, Steve]] ~ [[Benjamin Tucker|Tucker, Benjamin]] ~ [[Martin Farquhar Tupper|Tupper, Martin Farquhar]] ~ [[Desmond Tutu|Tutu, Desmond]] ~ [[John Tyler|Tyler, John]] ~ [[John Tyndall|Tyndall, John]] ~ [[Martin Van Buren|Van Buren, Martin]] ~ [[Henry Vaughan|Vaughan, Henry]] ~ [[Fred M. Vinson|Vinson, Fred M.]] ~ [[Morrison Waite|Waite, Morrison]] ~ [[Edmund Waller|Waller, Edmund]] ~ [[Charles Dudley Warner|Warner, Charles Dudley]] ~ [[John Webster|Webster, John]] ~ [[Edith Wharton|Wharton, Edith]] ~ [[William Whewell|Whewell, William]] ~ [[William Julius Wilson|Wilson, William Julius]] ~ [[Henry Wotton|Wotton, Henry]] ~ [[Herman Wouk|Wouk, Herman]] ~ [[Adam Zagajewski|Zagajewski, Adam]] </div> ==== Musicians/Bands ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[AC/DC]] ~ [[The Allman Brothers Band|Allman Brothers Band, The]] ~ [[America (band)|America]] ~ [[Arrested Development (group)|Arrested Development]] ~ [[Bad Company]] ~ [[The Beach Boys|Beach Boys, The]] ~ [[The Black Crowes|Black Crowes, The]] ~ [[The Black Keys|Black Keys, The]] ~ [[Blink-182]] ~ [[Boston (band)|Boston]] ~ [[Zach Bryan|Bryan, Zach]] ~ [[The Cars|Cars, The]] ~ [[Chicago (band)]] ~ [[Counting Crows]] ~ [[The Cranberries|Cranberries, The]] ~ [[Creedence Clearwater Revival]] ~ [[Jim Croce|Croce, Jim]] ~ [[Crosby, Stills & Nash]] ~ [[The Cure|Cure, The]] ~ [[Iris DeMent|DeMent, Iris]] ~ [[Duran Duran]] ~ [[Eve 6]] ~ [[Aretha Franklin|Franklin, Aretha]] ~ [[Eagles (band)|Eagles, The]] ~ [[Echo & the Bunnymen]] ~ [[Erasure]] ~ [[Florence and the Machine]] ~ [[Dan Fogelberg|Fogelberg, Dan]] ~ [[Foo Fighters]] ~ [[Foreigner (band)|Foreigner]] ~ [[Frankie Goes to Hollywood]] ~ [[Greta Van Fleet]] ~ [[Hall & Oates]] ~ [[Hoobastank]] ~ [[Imagine Dragons]] ~ [[Jack Johnson|Johnson, Jack]] ~ [[Journey (band)|Journey]] ~ [[Kansas (band)|Kansas]] ~ [[The Kinks|Kinks, The]] ~ [[Led Zeppelin]] ~ [[Kenny Loggins|Loggins, Kenny]] ~ [[Lynyrd Skynyrd]] ~ [[Maroon 5]] ~ [[Midnight Oil]] ~ [[New Order]] ~ [[Nirvana (band)]] ~ [[Roy Orbison|Orbison, Roy]] ~ [[Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark]] ~ [[Brad Paisley|Paisley, Brad]] ~ [[Pearl Jam]] ~ [[Pink Floyd]] ~ [[The Pretenders|Pretenders, The]] ~ [[Public Enemy (band)|Public Enemy]] ~ [[Queen (band)|Queen]] ~ [[Gerry Rafferty|Rafferty, Gerry]] ~ [[The Replacements (band)|Replacements, The]] ~ [[Olivia Rodrigo|Rodrigo, Olivia]] ~ [[The Rolling Stones|Rolling Stones, The]] ~ [[Bob Seger|Seger, Bob]] ~ [[Shinedown]] ~ [[Sly and the Family Stone]] ~ [[The Smashing Pumpkins]] ~ [[The Smiths|Smiths, The]] ~ [[Soundgarden]] ~ [[Squeeze (band)|Squeeze]] ~ [[Styx (band)|Styx]] ~ [[Survivor (band)|Survivor]] ~ [[James Taylor|Taylor, James]] ~ [[Tears for Fears]] ~ [[Traffic (band)|Traffic]] ~ [[Yazoo (band)|Yazoo]] ~ [[Yes (band)|Yes]] ~ [[The Zombies|Zombies, The]] </div> ==== Literary works ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :''[[Canto General]]'' ~ ''[[The Mysteries of Pittsburgh|Mysteries of Pittsburgh, The]]'' </div> ==== Theme pages ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[Apocalypse]] ~ [[Credit]] ~ [[Innocence]] ~ [[Las Vegas]] ~ [[Logistics]] ~ [[Magna Carta]] ~ [[Minority]] ~ [[Publicity]] ~ [[Rebellion]] ~ [[Self-deception]] ~ [[Treason]] ~ [[United States Constitution]] ~ [[Weakness]] ~ [[Welfare]] ~ [[Wilderness]] </div> === I unstubbed/significantly expanded === ==== Films ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :''[[28 Weeks Later]]'' ~ ''[[42nd Street (film)|42nd Street]]'' ~ ''[[50 First Dates]]'' ~ ''[[1941 (film)|1941]]'' ~ ''[[The Abominable Dr. Phibes|Abominable Dr. Phibes, The]]'' ~ ''[[After the Thin Man]]'' ~ ''[[Air Force One]]'' ~ ''[[Alien (film)|Alien]]'' ~ ''[[Along Came a Spider (film)]]'' ~ ''[[An American Werewolf in London]]'' ~ ''[[Animal Farm (1999 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Apocalypse Now]]'' ~ ''[[The Asphalt Jungle]]'' ~ ''[[The Bad News Bears|Bad News Bears, The]]'' ~ ''[[Behind Enemy Lines (2001 film)|Behind Enemy Lines]]'' ~ ''[[The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas|Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, The]]'' ~ ''[[Beverly Hills Cop II]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Heat|Big Heat, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Sleep (1946 film)|Big Sleep, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Big Store|Big Store, The]]'' ~ ''[[Black Snake Moan (film)|Black Snake Moan]]'' ~ ''[[Blue Moon (2025 film)|Blue Moon]]'' ~ ''[[Born on the Fourth of July]]'' ~ ''[[Braveheart]]'' ~ ''[[Brazil (film)|Brazil]]'' ~ ''[[The Breakfast Club|Breakfast Club, The]]'' ~ ''[[Bride of Frankenstein]]'' ~ ''[[The Bridge on the River Kwai|Bridge on the River Kwai, The]]'' ~ ''[[Bridesmaids (2011 film)|Bridesmaids]]'' ~ ''[[A Bridge Too Far (film)|Bridge Too Far, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Bronx Tale|Bronx Tale, A]]'' ~ ''[[Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid]]'' ~ ''[[Carnival of Souls]]'' ~ ''[[Casablanca]]'' ~ ''[[Cast a Deadly Spell]]'' ~ ''[[Catch-22 (film)|Catch-22]]'' ~ ''[[The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe|Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, The]]'' ~ ''[[A Clockwork Orange (film)|A Clockwork Orange]]'' ~ ''[[Cocaine Bear]]'' ~ ''[[Coma (1978 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Confessions of a Dangerous Mind]]'' ~ ''[[The Core|Core, The]]'' ~ ''[[Crash]]'' ~ ''[[Dead of Night]]'' ~ ''[[D.O.A. (1950 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Day After Tomorrow|Day After Tomorrow, The]]'' ~ ''[[Dead Reckoning (1947 film)|Dead Reckoning]]'' ~ ''[[Deadly Friend]]'' ~ ''[[The Devil and Daniel Webster (film)|Devil and Daniel Webster, The]]'' ~ ''[[Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (1941 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Dr. No (film)|Dr. No]]'' ~ ''[[Double Indemnity]]'' ~ ''[[Dracula: Dead and Loving It]]'' ~ ''[[Earth Girls Are Easy]]'' ~ ''[[Empire Records]]'' ~ ''[[Erin Brockovich]]'' ~ ''[[The Exorcism of Emily Rose|Exorcism of Emily Rose, The]]'' ~ ''[[Eyes Wide Shut]]'' ~ ''[[Fame (1980 film)|Fame]]'' ~ ''[[The Family Man|Family Man, The]]'' ~ ''[[Fletch]]'' ~ ''[[For a Few Dollars More]]'' ~ ''[[Forbidden Planet]]'' ~ ''[[The Forgotten]]'' ~ ''[[Fracture (2007 film)|Fracture]]'' ~ ''[[Frankenstein (1931 film)|Frankenstein]]'' ~ ''[[Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man]]'' ~ ''[[Fright Night]]'' ~ ''[[The Full Monty]]'' ~ ''[[The Gay Divorcee|Gay Divorcee, The]]'' ~ ''[[Get Carter]]'' ~ ''[[Gilda]]'' ~ ''[[Glengarry Glen Ross (film)|Glengarry Glen Ross]]'' ~ ''[[Go West (1940 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Godfather: Part III|Godfather, The: Part III]]'' ~ ''[[Going My Way]]'' ~ ''[[Goldfinger (film)|Goldfinger]]'' ~ ''[[Gone with the Wind]]'' ~ ''[[Good Will Hunting]]'' ~ ''[[Goodfellas]]'' ~ ''[[Gosford Park]]'' ~ ''[[The Great Debaters|Great Debaters, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Great Escape (film)|Great Escape, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Guns of Navarone|Guns of Navarone, The]]'' ~ ''[[Hail, Caesar!]]'' ~ ''[[Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers]]'' ~ ''[[Harvey]]'' ~ ''[[He's Just Not That Into You]]'' ~ ''[[Heathers]]'' ~ ''[[Hell or High Water (film)|Hell or High Water]]'' ~ ''[[Her Highness and the Bellboy]]'' ~ ''[[Hollow Man]]'' ~ ''[[Honeymoon in Vegas]]'' ~ ''[[House of Sand and Fog (film)‎|House of Sand and Fog]]'' ~ ''[[How to Marry a Millionaire]]'' ~ ''[[The Hunt for Red October (film)|Hunt for Red October, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Hurt Locker|Hurt Locker, The]]'' ~ ''[[I Dood It]]'' ~ ''[[I'm No Angel]]'' ~ ''[[Ice Station Zebra]]'' ~ ''[[The Ice Storm|Ice Storm, The]]'' ~ ''[[In Her Shoes]]'' ~ ''[[In the Heat of the Night (film)|In the Heat of the Night]]'' ~ ''[[In Time]]'' ~ ''[[The Innocents (1961 film)|Innocents, The]]'' ~ ''[[It's a Gift]]'' ~ ''[[It's a Wonderful Life]]'' ~ ''[[Jackie Brown]]'' ~ ''[[Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday]]'' ~ ''[[Jaws (film)|Jaws]]'' ~ ''[[Jaws 2]]'' ~ ''[[Jerry Maguire]]'' ~ ''[[Joan of Arc (1948 film)]]'' ~ ''[[John Q]]'' ~ ''[[John Tucker Must Die]]'' ~ ''[[John Wick: Chapter 4]]'' ~ ''[[Johnny English]]'' ~ ''[[Kansas City Confidential]]'' ~ ''[[The Killers (1946 film)|Killers, The (1946 film)]]'' ~ ''[[The Killing Fields|Killing Fields, The]]'' ~ ''[[Kingdom of Heaven]]'' ~ ''[[Kingpin (1996 film)|Kingpin]]'' ~ ''[[La Bamba (film)|La Bamba]]'' ~ ''[[Lake Placid (film)|Lake Placid]]'' ~ ''[[Lars and the Real Girl]]'' ~ ''[[Laura (1944 film)|Laura]]'' ~ ''[[Lenny (film)|Lenny]]'' ~ ''[[Les Misérables (1998 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Les Misérables (2012 film)‎]]'' ~ ''[[Little Women (2019 film)|Little Women]]'' ~ ''[[The Longest Yard (1974 film)|Longest Yard, The (1974 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Love Actually]]'' ~ ''[[Love Happy]]'' ~ ''[[Mandy (2018 film)|Mandy]]'' ~ ''[[Marathon Man]]'' ~ ''[[Matinee (1993 film)|Matinee]]'' ~ ''[[Meet Joe Black]]'' ~ ''[[Mission: Impossible]]'' ~ ''[[Mr. Deeds Goes to Town‎]]'' ~ ''[[Mortal Kombat (film)|Mortal Kombat]]'' ~ ''[[My Night at Maud's]]'' ~ ''[[National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]'' ~ ''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]'' ~ ''[[Network]]'' ~ ''[[Niagara (1953 film)|Niagara]]'' ~ ''[[A Night at the Opera|Night at the Opera, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Night at the Roxbury|Night at the Roxbury, A]]'' ~ ''[[A Night in Casablanca|Night in Casablanca, A]]'' ~ ''[[The Night of the Hunter (film)|The Night of the Hunter]]'' ~ ''[[Nobody's Fool (1994 film)‎|Nobody's Fool]]'' ~ ''[[Old School]]'' ~ ''[[Olympus Has Fallen]]'' ~ ''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service (film)|On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' ~ ''[[Paper Moon (film)|Paper Moon]]'' ~ ''[[Paranoia (2013 film)|Paranoia]]'' ~ ''[[The People vs. Larry Flynt|People vs. Larry Flynt, The]]'' ~ ''[[Philadelphia (film)‎|Philadelphia]]'' ~ ''[[The Philadelphia Story|Philadelphia Story, The]]'' ~ ''[[Pi]]'' ~ ''[[Plan 9 from Outer Space]]'' ~ ''[[Pleasantville]]'' ~ ''[[The Postman Always Rings Twice (1946 film)|Postman Always Rings Twice, The (1946 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Psycho (1960 film)|Psycho]]'' ~ ''[[Race for Your Life, Charlie Brown]]'' ~ ''[[Radio Flyer (film)|Radio Flyer]]'' ~ ''[[Rain Man]]'' ~ ''[[Raising Helen]]'' ~ ''[[The Razor's Edge (1984 film)|Razor's Edge, The]]'' ~ ''[[Real Genius]]'' ~ ''[[Rear Window]]'' ~ ''[[Remember the Titans]]'' ~ ''[[Revenge of the Pink Panther]]'' ~ ''[[Risen (2016 film)|Risen]]'' ~ ''[[RoboCop 2]]'' ~ ''[[Rocky]]'' ~ ''[[Room Service (1938 film)]]'' ~ ''[[Rushmore]]'' ~ ''[[Saving Private Ryan]]'' ~ ''[[Saw (film)|Saw]]'' ~ ''[[The Secret of My Success (1987 film)|Secret of My Success, The]]'' ~ ''[[A Serious Man]]'' ~ ''[[She Done Him Wrong]]'' ~ ''[[Sixteen Candles]]'' ~ ''[[Sling Blade]]'' ~ ''[[Snowden (film)|Snowden]]'' ~ ''[[Soapdish]]'' ~ ''[[The Social Network|Social Network, The]]'' ~ ''[[Son of Dracula (1943 film)|Son of Dracula]]'' ~ ''[[Soylent Green]]'' ~ ''[[The Spiderwick Chronicles (film)|Spiderwick Chronicles, The]]'' ~ ''[[Stand by Me]]'' ~ ''[[The Star Chamber|Star Chamber, The]]'' ~ ''[[State Fair (1945 film)|State Fair]]'' ~ ''[[Stranger Than Paradise]]'' ~ ''[[Sudden Impact]]'' ~ ''[[Svengali (1931 film)|Svengali]]'' ~ ''[[Swingers]]'' ~ ''[[Taxi Driver]]'' ~ ''[[The Ten Commandments|Ten Commandments, The]]'' ~ ''[[Terminator 2: Judgment Day]]'' ~ ''[[Theatre of Blood]]'' ~ ''[[There's Something About Mary‎]]'' ~ ''[[They Shoot Horses, Don't They?]]'' ~ ''[[The Third Man|Third Man, The]]'' ~ ''[[Thunderball (film)|Thunderball]]'' ~ ''[[To Have and Have Not (film)|To Have and Have Not]]'' ~ ''[[Top Secret!]]'' ~ ''[[Touch of Evil]]'' ~ ''[[The Treasure of the Sierra Madre|Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The]]'' ~ ''[[Twelve Monkeys]]'' ~ ''[[Vicky Cristina Barcelona]]'' ~ ''[[The Village|Village, The]]'' ~ ''[[Vision Quest]]'' ~ ''[[West Side Story]]'' ~ ''[[White Heat]]'' ~ ''[[Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory]]'' ~ ''[[Wings of Desire]]'' ~ ''[[Witness for the Prosecution]]'' ~ ''[[The Wizard of Oz|Wizard of Oz, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Wolf Man (1941 film)|Wolf Man, The]]'' ~ ''[[The World's Fastest Indian|World's Fastest Indian, The]]'' ~ ''[[Yellowbeard]]'' ~ ''[[You Can't Take It with You (film)|You Can't Take It with You]]'' ~ ''[[You Only Live Twice (film)|You Only Live Twice]]'' ~ ''[[Young Sherlock Holmes]]'' ~ ''[[Zoolander]]'' </div> ==== TV Shows ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :''[[The Addams Family (TV series)|Addams Family, The]]'' ~ ''[[Alias]]'' ~ ''[[Army Wives]]'' ~ ''[[Arrested Development]]'' ~ ''[[The Black Donnellys|Black Donnellys, The]]'' ~ ''[[Black Mirror]]'' ~ ''[[Cheers]]'' ~ ''[[Chicago Med]]'' ~ ''[[Cougar Town]]'' ~ ''[[CSI: Crime Scene Investigation]]'' ~ ''[[Da Vinci's Demons‎]]'' ~ ''[[Damages (TV series)|Damages]]'' ~ ''[[Dawson's Creek]]'' ~ ''[[Doogie Howser, M.D.]]'' ~ ''[[Drawn Together]]'' ~ ''[[The Drew Carey Show|Drew Carey Show, The]]'' ~ ''[[Everwood]]'' ~ ''[[Freaks and Geeks]]'' ~ ''[[Friday Night Lights (TV series)‎]]'' ~ ''[[Gilligan's Island]]'' ~ ''[[Greg the Bunny]]'' ~ ''[[Grey's Anatomy]]'' ~ ''[[Hawaii Five-O]]'' ~ ''[[Heroes]]'' ~ ''[[Ice Road Truckers]]'' ~ ''[[Judging Amy]]'' ~ ''[[The L Word|L Word, The]]'' ~ ''[[Law & Order]]'' ~ ''[[Mad Men]]'' ~ ''[[Magnum, P.I.]]'' ~ ''[[The Mary Tyler Moore Show|Mary Tyler Moore Show, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Middle (TV series)|Middle, The]]'' ~ ''[[The New Adventures of Old Christine|New Adventures of Old Christine, The]]'' ~ ''[[Nip/Tuck]]'' ~ ''[[The Oblongs|Oblongs, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Outer Limits (1963 TV series)|Outer Limits, The (1963)]]'' ~ ''[[Point Pleasant]]'' ~ ''[[Popular (TV series)|Popular]]'' ~ ''[[The Practice]]'' ~ ''[[Queer Eye]]'' ~ ''[[Rectify]]'' ~ ''[[The Rockford Files]]'' ~ ''[[The Sarah Silverman Program|Sarah Silverman Program, The]]'' ~ ''[[Succession (TV series)|Succession]]'' ~ ''[[Tru Calling]]'' ~ ''[[The Tudors|Tudors, The]]'' ~ ''[[The Twilight Zone (1959 TV series)]]'' ~ ''[[Twin Peaks]]'' ~ ''[[Welcome Back, Kotter]]'' ~ ''[[WKRP in Cincinnati]]'' ~ ''[[The Wonder Years|Wonder Years, The]]'' </div> ==== People ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[Dan Ariely|Ariely, Dan]] ~ [[William Blake|Blake, William]] ~ [[John Cheever|Cheever, John]] ~ [[William Cullen Bryant|Bryant, William Cullen]] ~ [[Samuel Butler (novelist)|Butler, Samuel]] ~ [[Lord Byron|Byron, Lord]] ~ [[Arthur Chapman|Chapman, Arthur]] ~ [[Anton Chekhov|Chekhov, Anton]] ~ [[William Cobbett|Cobbett, William]] ~ [[Rufus Choate|Choate, Rufus]] ~ [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge|Coleridge, Samuel Taylor]] ~ [[Norman Cousins|Cousins, Norman]] ~ [[Honoré de Balzac|de Balzac, Honoré]] ~ [[Guy Debord|Debord, Guy]] ~ [[Charles Dickens|Dickens, Charles]] ~ [[James Dickey|Dickey, James]] ~ [[Ralph Waldo Emerson|Emerson, Ralph Waldo]] ~ [[Ludwig Andreas Feuerbach|Feuerbach, Ludwig Andreas]] ~ [[Edgar Guest|Guest, Edgar]] ~ [[Stonewall Jackson|Jackson, Stonewall]] ~ [[Daniel Kahneman‎|Kahneman, Daniel]] ~ [[John Keats|Keats, John]] ~ [[Rudyard Kipling|Kipling, Rudyard]] ~ [[Walter Savage Landor|Landor, Walter Savage]] ~ [[Paul Lansky|Lansky, Paul]] ~ [[Edward Lear|Lear, Edward]] ~ [[Livy]] ~ [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow|Longfellow, Henry Wadsworth]] ~ [[Barack Obama|Obama, Barack]] ~ [[Prince (musician)|Prince]] ~ [[Protagoras]] ~ [[AnnaSophia Robb|Robb, AnnaSophia]] ~ [[Philip Roth|Roth, Philip]] ~ [[Bertrand Russell|Russell, Bertrand]] ~ [[Walter Scott]] ~ [[Percy Bysshe Shelley|Shelley, Percy Bysshe]] ~ [[Richard Brinsley Sheridan|Sheridan, Richard Brinsley]] ~ [[Stendhal]] ~ [[Bruce Sterling|Sterling, Bruce]] ~ [[Joseph E. Stiglitz|Stiglitz, Joseph E.]] ~ [[Alfred Tennyson|Tennyson, Alfred]] ~ [[Mark Twain|Twain, Mark]] ~ [[Neil deGrasse Tyson|Tyson, Neil deGrasse]] ~ [[Jack Welch|Welch, Jack]] ~ [[William Wordsworth|Wordsworth, William]] </div> ==== Musicians/Bands ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[Adele (singer)]] ~ [[Aerosmith]] ~ [[Iggy Azalea|Azalea, Iggy]] ~ [[The Beatles|Beatles, The]] ~ [[James Blunt|Blunt, James]] ~ [[Garth Brooks|Brooks, Garth]] ~ [[Jimmy Buffett|Buffett, Jimmy]] ~ [[Sam Cooke|Cooke, Sam]] ~ [[Depeche Mode]] ~ [[Neil Diamond|Diamond, Neil]] ~ [[Dido]] ~ [[Five for Fighting]] ~ [[Fleetwood Mac]] ~ [[Marvin Gaye|Gaye, Marvin]] ~ [[Benjamin Hoff|Hoff, Benjamin]] ~ [[Buddy Holly|Holly, Buddy]] ~ [[Billy Joel|Joel, Billy]] ~ [[Waylon Jennings|Jennings, Waylon]] ~ [[Elton John|John, Elton]] ~ [[Toby Keith|Keith, Toby]] ~ [[Kid Rock]] ~ [[The Killers (band)|Killers, The]] ~ [[Carole King|King, Carole]] ~ [[Mark Knopfler|Knopfler, Mark]] ~ [[Miranda Lambert|Lambert, Miranda]] ~ [[The Lonely Island|Lonely Island, The]] ~ [[Curtis Mayfield|Mayfield, Curtis]] ~ [[Sarah McLachlan|McLachlan, Sarah]] ~ [[Van Morrison|Morrison, Van]] ~ [[Mötley Crüe]] ~ [[Muse (band)|Muse]] ~ [[OneRepublic]] ~ [[Tom Petty|Petty, Tom]] ~ [[Pink (singer)|Pink]] ~ [[The Police|Police, The]] ~ [[Radiohead]] ~ [[Otis Redding|Redding, Otis]] ~ [[Bruce Springsteen|Springsteen, Bruce]] ~ [[Steely Dan]] ~ [[Taylor Swift|Swift, Taylor]] ~ [[Talking Heads]] ~ [[Rufus Wainwright|Wainwright, Rufus]] ~ [[Lucinda Williams|Williams, Lucinda]] ~ [[U2]] ~ [[Neil Young|Young, Neil]] </div> ==== Literary works ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :''[[Eragon]]'' ~ ''[[The Everlasting Man|Everlasting Man, The]]'' ~ ''[[Macbeth]]'' ~ ''[[King Lear]]'' ~ ''[[Richard III (play)]]'' ~ ''[[Romeo and Juliet]]'' </div> ==== Themes ==== <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[Anticipation]] ~ [[Censure]] ~ [[Conviction]] ~ [[Cunning]] ~ [[Debt]] ~ [[Discourse]] ~ [[Effort]] ~ [[Envy]] ~ [[Experience]] ~ [[Exploration]] ~ [[Failure]] ~ [[Fame]] ~ [[Family]] ~ [[Foreign aid]] ~ [[Health]] ~ [[Honor]] ~ [[Human rights]] ~ [[Ideas]] ~ [[Inhumanity]] ~ [[Majority]] ~ [[Malice]] ~ [[Melancholy]] ~ [[New Deal]] ~ [[Opinion]] ~ [[Passion]] ~ [[Persecution]] ~ [[Physiognomy]] ~ [[Prudence]] ~ [[Respect]] ~ [[Rhetoric]] ~ [[Security]] ~ [[Self-esteem]] ~ [[Self-pity]] </div> === I rescued from deletion === <div style="font-size:smaller;"> :[[Aleksis Kivi]] ~ [[Bergen Evans]] ~ ''[[Constantine]]'' ~ ''[[Gotti]]'' ~ ''[[Hung (TV series)|Hung]]'' ~ ''[[Million Dollar Baby]]'' ~ ''[[Night Court]]'' ~ ''[[The Searchers]]'' </div> h1xzkpnvd61z9d5lpar5h0wgahayl3w 0 12787 3954182 3948465 2026-06-18T16:53:10Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 /* Dialogue */ 3954182 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:San Diego Comic-Con 2014 - Hades (14771590345).jpg|thumb|How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat! Huh?! Is this an audience or a mosaic?]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hercules (1997 film)|Hercules]]''''' is a [[w:1997 in film|1997 film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Feature Animation]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]]. It tells the story about the adventures of Hercules, the son of Zeus in [[w:Greek mythology|Greek mythology]]. :''Directed by [[w:John Musker|John Musker]] and [[w:Ron Clements|Ron Clements]]. Written by Ron Clements, John Musker, Donald McEnery, Bob Shaw and [[w:Irene Mecchi|Irene Mecchi]]. Songs by [[w:Alan Menken|Alan Menken]] and [[w:David Zippel|David Zippel]]. Score Produced by Alan Menken and includes "[[w:Go the Distance|Go the Distance]]" Written by Alan Menken and David Zippel, and performed by [[w:Michael Bolton|Michael Bolton]].'' {{center|'''A Comedy of Olympian Proportions'''}} == Hercules == * ''[to Zeus]'' But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm...I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm...I'm an action figure! * A true hero. Great! Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? * Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay...And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing? Man! I thought I had problems. * ''[after Meg is revived]'' People always do crazy things... when they are in love. == Meg == * Well, you know how men are. They think 'No' means 'Yes' and 'Get lost' means 'Take me, I'm yours.' * Thanks, Herc. It's been a real slice. * ''[rushing into Thebes, crying out]'' Please. Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! * ''[Hercules walks to the Cyclops]'' What are you doing? Without your strength you'll be killed. * People always do crazy things... when they're in love. * You're really choked up about this, aren't you? * ''[to Hades]'' Then read my lips. Forget it. == Hades == * How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat. Huh? Is this an audience or a mosaic? * Love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, '''''Zeus.''''' * Memo to me, memo to me: maim you after my meeting. * I’m about to rearrange the cosmos and the one SCHLEMIEL who can louse it up is waltzing around <big>'''IN THE WOODS'''</big>! * Let’s get ready to <big>'''RUMBLE!'''</big> * My favorite part of the game: Sudden death. * Game. Set. Match. * I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I’ve been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, and you are wearing <big>'''HIS... ''MERCHANDISE?!'''''</big> * He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey. They bet on the wrong horse. Okay? * Meg, Meg Meg. My sweet, deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but-ever-so-crucial, little, tiny detail? '''I OWN YOU'''! * We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d’ya say? Come on. * Ba-boom! Name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doin'? * Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and KICK some Olympian BUTT! ''[Pegasus blows out his flaming hair]'' Whoa, is my hair out? * Uh, guys. Olympus would be that way. * Zeusy, I'm home! * ''[repeated scream]'' <big>'''''GAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGHHHHH!'''''</big> * Thanks a ton, Wonderboy! But at least I've got one swell consolation prize, a friend of yours who's dying to see me. * This is... This is impossible! You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a... (Pain and Panic: A god?) Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- ''[Hercules punches Hades]'' Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... ''[Hercules punches him into the river of death] <big>'''GAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!'''</big> [souls go to grab him]'' Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah— (Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there!; Pain: You mean, ''if'' he gets outta there!) Taxi! '''TAXI!''' (Panic: If. If is good.) I don't feel so good. I—I'm feeling a little... <big>'''''FLUSHED!'''''</big> * ''[last lines, as the film closes]'' What do you say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of something but me. I've got nothing. I'm here with nothing. Anybody listening?! It's like I'm- what am I? An echo or something? Hello! Hello! Am I talking to what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me! Nobody listens. == Phil == * I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yusses". And every single one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. ''[Looking at a statue of a soldier in armor]'' And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all; the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! ''[pause]'' <big>'''BUT THAT FURSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS!'''</big> He barely gets nicked there once and kaboom. He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right...Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. * One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. * ''[after being called a goat-man]'' Watch it, pal. * You... I got your heel <big>'''RIGHT HERE!'''</big> ''[tackles Tall Thebian with his head, throws punches]'' I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You- ''[bites Tall Thebian's butt]'' * ''[as Hercules fights the Hydra, whose heads multiply as they are cut off] '''<big>WILL YOU FORGET THE HEAD-SLICING THING?!?!</big>''''' * ''[after Hercules defeats the Hydra] '''<big>YA DID IT, KID! YA DID IT, YOU WON BY A LANDSLIDE!</big>''''' * ''[about Meg] '''<big>SHE'S A FRAUD!</big>''''' She's been playing you for a sap! * No, no, no, no, no, kid, giving up is for rookies. I came back because I'm not quitting on ya. I'm willing to go the distance. How about you? == Zeus == * You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death. HA! Work yourself to death! * Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth. * Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored. * I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero. * <big>'''''SOUND THE ALARM! LAUNCH AN IMMEDIATE COUNTERATTACK! GO, GO!'''''</big> * For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home. ==The Narrator and the Muses== :'''The Narrator''': ''[First lines]'' Long ago, in the far away land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Now that is where our story- :'''Thalia''': Would you listen to him? He's making the story sound like some Greek tragedy. :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude. :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Calliope''': If there is one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades. :'''Terpsichore''': 'Cause he had an evil plan. :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the underworld, <br /> But thought the dead were dull and uncouth <br /> He was as mean as he was ruthless <br /> And that's the gospel truth <br /> He had a plan to shake things up <br /> And that's the gospel truth!<!-- Gospel Truth II: Hades in the Underworld --> <hr width="50%"/> :<p>'''Melpomene''': ''[singing]'' Young Herc was mortal now <br /> But since he did not drink the last drop, <br /> He still retained his godlike strength, <br /> So thank his lucky star</p><p>But Zeus and Hera wept <br /> Because their son could never come home, <br /> They'd have to watch their precious baby <br /> Grow up from afar</p><p> Though, Hades' horrid plan <br /> Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth <br /> The boy grew stronger ev'ry day <br /> And that's the gospel truth</p><!-- Gospel Truth III --> <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thalia''': ''[singing about Hercules' fame and success]'' And they slapped his face on ev'ry vase. :'''Clio''': On ev'ry ''"vah-se."'' == Dialogue == :''[The camera opens in on a museum hallway featuring Greek statues and vases.]'' :'''Narrator''': Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. ''[A Greek vase is shown with a picture of Hercules fighting a monster lion. Vase zooms in slowly]'' But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is- :'''Thalia''': Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some greek tragedy. :'''Terpsichore''': Lighten up, dude. :'''Calliope''': We'll take it from here, darling. :'''Narrator''': You go, girl. :'''Calliope''': We are the Muses. Goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes. :'''Terpsichore''': Heroes like Hercules! :'''Thalia''': Honey, you mean "hunk-ules". Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him- :''[Muses start humming]'' :'''Calliope''': Our story actually begins long before Hercules, many eons ago.. ''[scene changes colors and the Muses start walking and singing]'' Back when the world was new, The planet Earth was down on its luck. And everywhere gigantic brutes, Called Titans ran amok! :'''Thalia''': It was a nasty place! There was a mess wherever you stepped. :'''Calliope''': Where chaos reigned and earthquakes, and volcanoes never slept! :'''Thalia''': Woo! Say it, girlfriend! :'''Muses''': And then along came Zeus! :'''Calliope''': He hurled his thunderbolt, :'''Muses''': He zapped! :'''Thalia''': Locked those suckers in a vault! :'''Muses''': They're trapped! And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks. And that's the gospel truth! The guy was too type A to just relax. :'''Terpsichore''': And that's the world's first dish. :'''Thalia''': yeah, baby! :'''Melpomene''': Zeus tamed the globe while still in his youth. :'''Muses''': Though, honey, it may seem impossible- That's the gospel truth! On Mount Olympus life was neat and smooth as sweet vermouth. Though, honey, it may seem impossible- That's the gospel truth! :''[schematic picture of Olympus zooms in and turns into a real one. While the Muses still repeat their "ah's and yeah's", camera moves up the mountain slope. While it does, the movie title, HERCULES, is shown.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Mount Olympus; Zeus and the other gods to watching Hera holding baby Hercules. He is giggling]'' :'''Hera''': Hercules. Behave yourself. :'''Zeus''': Oh, look at this. Look how cute he is. ''[He blubbers at Hercules]''Hah. Oh, he's strong. Like his Dad, hmm. :'''Hermes''': Whoa. Excuse me. Hot stuff coming through. Excuse me. One side, Ares. :'''Hera''': Why, Hermes-they're lovely. :'''Hermes''': Yes, you know I had Orpheus do the arrangement, isn't that too nutty? Famous feast, you know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself. :'''Hera''': Dear, keep these away from the baby. :'''Zeus''': He won't hurt himself. Let the kid have a little fun. On behalf of my son, I'd like to thank you all for your wonderful gifts. :'''Hera''': What about our gift, dear? :'''Zeus''': Well, let's see here...we'll take, huh, yes, a little cirrus, and, uh, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus and a dash of cumulus. His name is Pegasus and he's all yours, son. :'''Hera''': Mind his head. :'''Zeus''': He's so tiny. My boy. My little Hercules. ''[He tucks Hercules in, kissing him]'' :'''Hades''': How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of ''moussaka'' caught in my throat. Huh? Is this an audience or a mosaic? Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress. :'''Zeus''': So Hades. You finally made it. How's things in the underworld? :'''Hades''': Ah, well, it's just fine. Y'know, little dark, little gloom, and there's always hey, Full of dead people, whaddya gonna do?" Ah, There's the little sunspot, little smootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh? Here you go. Ya just- ''[Hercules squeezes Hades' finger, causing Hades to pull away in pain]'' Sheesh. Powerful little tyke. :'''Zeus''': Come on, Hades. Don't be such a stiff, join the celebration. :'''Hades''': Hey, love to, babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I, regrettably, have a full-time gig that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, '''''Zeus.''''' So... can't. Love to, but can't. :'''Zeus''': You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death... HA! Work yourself to death! ''[he and the other gods laugh]'' Oh, I kill myself! :'''Hades''': If only, if only... :''[Scene changes back to the Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Hades, :'''Terpsichore''': 'cause he had an evil plan :''[The scene changes to a boat on the River Styx, in which a skeleton is carrying Hades. Two souls lean up from the lake bed to grab Hades, who zaps them away and blows the smoke off his finger like a pistol.]'' :'''Thalia''': ''[singing]'' He ran the Underworld, but thought the dead were dull and uncouth. He was as mean as ruthless- And that's the gospel truth. :''[A pair of skeletal gates open, and Cerberus' heads snarl and snap their jaws viciously. Hades throws them a piece of steak for the dogs to eat, which the dogs fight over as the boat continues its journey down the river.]'' He had a plan to shake things up- And that's the gospel truth! :''[Hades arrives home in Underworld]'' :'''Hades''': <big>'''''PAIN!'''''</big> :'''Pain''': ''[running down stairs]'' Coming, your most lugubriousness. ''[trips and bounces down the stairs, lands on spike claw, screams]'' :'''Hades''': <big>'''''PANIC!'''''</big> :'''Panic''': Oh! I'm sorry. I can handle it! :''[Pain pulls himself off the spike claw, Panic trip flies into the air and accidentally lands his ears on Pain, causing him to scream in pain]'' :'''Pain''': Pain! Oh. :'''Panic''': And Panic. :'''Pain and Panic''': Reporting for duty. :'''Hades''': Fine, fine, fine. Just let me know the instant the Fates arrive. :'''Panic''': Oh. They're here. :'''Hades''': WHAT!? The Fates are here, and you didn't TELL ME!? :'''Pain and Panic''': ''[both turn into worms] '''We are worms! Worthless worms!''''' :'''Hades''': Memo to me. Maim you after my meeting. :''[The scene changes to show the cavern where the three Fates are waiting]'' :'''Atropos''': Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight. ''[She cuts a thread with scissors and a woman scream is heard]'' :'''Lachesis''': Incoming! :''[The Fates laugh as a soul enters the cave and flies into a tunnel. The counter above the tunnel now says "Over 5000000000 Served", the number suddenly changes to "5000000001"]'' :'''Hades''': Ladies. Hah! I'm so sorry that I'm- :'''Fates''': ''[all at once]'' Late. :'''Lachesis''': We knew you would be. :'''Clotho''': We know everything! :'''Lachesis''': Past. :'''Clotho''': Present. :'''Atropos''': And future. ''[to Panic]'' Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big. :'''Hades''': Great. Great. Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of— :'''Fates''': We know. :'''Hades''': Yeah. I know you know. So, here's the deal. Zeus, Mr. High and Mighty, Mr. "Hey, you, get off of my cloud". Now, he has— :'''Fates''': A bouncing baby brat. :'''Clotho''': We know! :'''Hades''': '''''<big>I KNOW!</big>''''' You know. I know. I got it. I got the concept. So, let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover bid, or what? What do you think? :'''Clotho''': ''[to Lachesis]'' Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future. :'''Hades''': Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out. Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Did you cut your hair of something? You look fabulous. I mean, you look like a fate worse then death. :''[Clotho hits Lachesis on the head, making the eye fall out into the hands of Panic]'' :'''Panic''': Oh, gross! :'''Pain''': Yech! It's blinkin'! ''[He kicks it into Hades' hand, who pulls off a hair from the eye]'' :'''Hades''': Ladies, please, my fate is in your lovely hands. :'''Clotho''': All right. :'''Lachesis''': In 18 years precisely, The planets will align ever so nicely. :'''Hades''': Ay, verse. Oy. :'''Lachesis''': The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band. :'''Hades''': Mmm-hmm. Good, good. :'''Clotho''': Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all! :'''Hades''': '''''<big>YES! HADES RULES!</big>''''' :'''Atropos''': A word of caution to this tale... :'''Hades''': Excuse me? :'''Atropos''': Should Hercules fight, you will fail. :''[The Fates laugh, then disappear]'' :'''Hades''': '''''<big>WHAT?!</big>''''' Okay, fine, fine, I'm cool, I'm fine. Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god? :'''Pain''': I do not... know. :'''Panic''': You can't. They're immortal. :'''Hades''': Bingo, they're immortal. So, first you got to turn the little sunspot... mortal. <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Pain and Panic kidnap Hercules, Zeus and Hera are woken up by the commotion.]'' :'''Zeus''': Huh? :'''Hera''': What? What is it? :'''Zeus and Hera''': The baby! :''[They run to the cradle and find out that Hercules was kidnapped.]'' :'''Hera''': Hercules! ''[starts sobbing]'' :'''Zeus''': '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!</big>''''' :'''Panic''': Now, we did it! Zeus is gonna use us for target practice. :'''Pain''': Just hang onto the kid. :'''Panic''': Hurry. Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay? :'''Pain''': Here you go, kid. A little Grecian formula. :'''Panic''': Look at that! He's changing. Can we do it now? :'''Pain''': No, no, no, he has to drink the whole potion. Every last drop. :'''Amphitryon''': ''[offscreen]'' Who's there? ''[Pain and Panic run away, dropping the empty vial. It breaks and one last drop falls into the ground]'' Alcmene, over here. :'''Alcmene''': Oh, you poor thing. Oh, don't cry. :'''Amphitryon''': Is anybody there? :'''Panic''': Now? :'''Pain''': Now. ''[Their shadows are shown as they walk and transform into snakes]'' :'''Amphitryon''': He must have been abandoned. :'''Alcmene''': For so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child. ''[Amphitryon reads Hercules' name from a medallion on his neck]'' Perhaps, they've answered our prayers. :'''Amphitryon''': Perhaps they have... Hercules? :''[Pain and Panic, as snakes, attack, but Baby Hercules catches them, and giggling happily, hits them several times against the ground, ties into a knot and sends them flying]'' :'''Panic''': Hades is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened. :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he finds out. :'''Panic''': Of course he's gonna... If. If is good. :''[Pan to Mount Olympus in dark clouds and then resolve to the Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': It was tragic. Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search. :'''Terpsichore''': But by the time they found the baby, it was too late. :'''Melepomene''': Young Herc was mortal now, But since he did not drink the last drop. He still retained his godlike strength- So thank his lucky star! But Zeus and Hera wept, Because their son could never come home. They'd have to watch their precious baby, Grow up from afar. Though Hades' horrid plan, Was hatched before Herc cut his first tooth, The boy grew stronger every day, And that's the gospel truth! :'''Muses''': The gospel truth. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Resolve to country with sheeps baaing. A carriage with a lot of hay moves along the road unnaturally fast, then we see Amphitryon and his mule sitting before it]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, slow down! Look out! :''[Workers jump out of the way]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Oops! S-s-sorry guys! :'''Worker 1''': Hey, watch where you're goin'! :'''Worker 2''': Sunday driver! :'''Young Hercules''': ''[enters the middle of the square and stops]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Thanks, son. When old Penelope twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[picks up the haystack]'' No problem, Pop. :'''Amphitryon''': Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle with Phideas. :'''Hercules''': Okay. ''[drops the hay on the cart which makes Penelope fly up into the sky]'' Oops, sorry, Penelope. :'''Amphitryon''': Now, Hercules, this time, please just— :'''Young Hercules''': I know, I know. ''[catches Penelope]'' Stay by the cart. :'''Amphitryon''': That's my boy. :'''Young Hercules''': ''[stays until he sees a man losing balance with a big clay pot]'' :'''Demetrius''': Oh, my goodness. Whoa! :'''Young Hercules''': ''[catches him just in time]'' Careful! :'''Demetrius''': ''[sighs in relief]'' Why, thank you. :'''Young Hercules''': No problem. :'''Demetrius''': Why, Hercules. It's you. :'''Young Hercules''': Let me, let me help you with that. :'''Demetrius''': No, no, no, no, no, I got it. I'm fine, you just run along. :'''Young Hercules''': You sure? :'''Demetrius''': Oh, yes. Absolutely. :''[A frisbee falls to his feet]'' :'''Ithicles''': Yo! Give it here! ''[gasps]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Hey, you need an extra guy? :'''Ithicles''': Uh.. sorry, Herc. We already got... 5. And we want to keep it an even number. :'''Young Hercules''': Hey, wait a second. Five isn't an even— :'''Ithicles''': See ya, Herc. :'''Teenage boy''': What a geek! :'''Teenage boy 2''': Destructo boy. :'''Ithicles''': Maybe we should call him "Jerkules". :'''Teenage boys''': ''[laughing]'' :'''Ithicles''': Heads up! :'''Young Hercules''': I-I got it! ''[hits a pillar, which starts falling]'' Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay.. ''[the pillar starts falling one by one, like domino. He sees that and accidentally throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square]'' Hey! Whoa! :'''Amphitryon''': Son! :'''Young Hercules''': Hang on, Pop! Be right back! :''[The two domino waves seem to be aiming at the shop with clay pots]'' :'''Demetrius''': Oh my! Oh no! Don't! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! :''[The last two pillars stop above the man's head]'' :'''Demetrius''': ''[sighs]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[running to save him, slips and slides to him fast]'' Watch out! :'''Demetrius''': ''[screaming]'' :''[The town square is now destroyed]'' :'''Ithicles''': Nice catch, Jerkules. :'''Amphitryon''': Son- :'''Demetrius''': This is the last straw, Amphitryon! :'''Woman''': That boy is a menace! :'''Man''': He's too dangerous to be around normal people! :'''Townsfolk''': ''[agree]'' :'''Amphitryon''': He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He just can't control his strength. :'''Demetrius''': I am warning you. You keep that-that-that... freak away from here! :'''Teenage boy''': Freak! Yeah, go away! <hr width="50%"/> :''[On a grassy hillside, Hercules and Amphitryon sit alone.]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to you. :'''Younng Hercules''': But Pop, they're right. I-I am a freak. I try to fit in, I really do. I just can't. Sometimes.. I feel like, like I really don't belong here. Like I'm supposed to be.. someplace else. :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, son— :'''Young Hercules''': I know it doesn't make any sense. :''Young Hercules''': ''[Hercules walk away and sings]'' I have often dreamed of a far off place, where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me. Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face, and a voice keeps sayin' this is where I'm meant to be. I will find my way I can go the distance. I'll be there someday. If I can be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while, I would go most anywhere to feel like I...belong. :''[He returns home]'' :'''Amphitryon''': Hercules, there's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell ya. :''[inside the house]'' :'''Young Hercules'''': But if you found me, then where did I come from? Why was I left here? :'''Alcmene''': This was around your neck when we found you. It's the symbol of the gods. :'''Young Hercules''': This is it! Don't you see? Maybe they have the answers! I'll go to the temple of Zeus and-- Ma, Pop, you're the greatest parents anyone could have, but.. I-I gotta know. :''[Next morning, Hercules walks to the Temple and sings]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[singing]'' I am on my way, I can go the distance. I don't care how far, somehow I'll be strong, I know every mile, will be worth my while, I would go most everywhere to find where I...belong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hercules enters the Temple of Zeus]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Oh mighty Zeus, please, hear me and answer my prayer. I need to know: Who am I? Wh-where do I belong? ''[wind blows, lightning hits the statue of Zeus, flame ignites in braziers and the statue of Zeus comes to life]'' :'''Zeus''': My boy. My little Hercules. ''[Hercules screams]'' Hey, hold on kiddo. What's your hurry? After all these years is this a kind of hello to give your father? :'''Young Hercules''': Father? :'''Zeus''': Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? '''''SURPRISE!''''' Look how you've grown. Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes and my strong chin. :'''Young Hercules''': I-I don't understand. If you are my father, that would make me a— :'''Zeus''': A god. :'''Young Hercules''': A god. A god! :'''Zeus''': Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth. :'''Young Hercules''': But why did you leave me on earth? Didn't you want me? :'''Zeus''': Of course we did. Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts. But someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus. :'''Young Hercules''': And you can't do a thing? :'''Zeus''': I can't, Hercules, but you can. :'''Young Hercules''': R-really? W-what? I-I'll do anything. :'''Zeus''': Hercules, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored. :'''Young Hercules''': A true hero. Great. Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero? :'''Zeus''': First, you must seek out Philoctetes, the trainer of heroes. :'''Young Hercules''': Seek out Philoctetes. Right. I'll-- ''[he falls off Zeus' palm]'' Whoa! :'''Zeus''': Whoa! Hold your horses! Which reminds me... ''[whistles and the Pegasus flies through an opening in the roof]'' Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Pegasus but you two go way back, son. :'''Young Hercules''': Oh, Pegasus. :'''Zeus''': He is a magnificent horse. With the brain of a bird. :'''Young Hercules''': I'll find Philoctetes and become a true hero. :'''Zeus''': That's the spirit. :'''Young Hercules''': I won't let you down, father. Yee-haw! :'''Zeus''': Good luck, son. :''[Hercules flies away, singing]'' :'''Young Hercules''': ''[singing]'' I will beat the odds, I can go the distance! I will face the world, fearless, proud and strong! I will please the gods, I can go the distance, till I find my hero's welcome right... where... I... belong! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Isle of Philoctetes]'' :'''Young Hercules''': You sure this is the right place? ''[Hercules sees three nymphs laughing in the trees, then sees a goat's behind sticking from the bushes.]'' What's the matter, little guy? You stuck? :'''Phil''': Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy! :'''Young Hercules''': Ugh! :'''Phil''': Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back. Whoa, whoa-- ''[the nymph he gets hold on turns into flowers]''  oh, geez! Whait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[another nymph turns into a tree]'' Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me. :'''Nymph''': Hey! :'''Phil''': ''[to Hercules]'' What's the matter, you never seen a satyr before? :'''Young Hercules''': Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes. :'''Phil''': Call me "Phil". :'''Young Hercules''': ''[squeezes his hand]'' Phil! :'''Phil''': Ow! :'''Young Hercules''': Boy, am I glad to meet you! I'm Hercules. This is Pegasus. :''[Pegasus licks Phil]'' :'''Phil''': Animals!. Disgusting! :'''Young Hercules''': I need your help. I want to become a hero. A true hero. :'''Phil''': Sorry, kid, can't help ya. :'''Young Hercules''': Wait! ''[He pulls the door Phil closed before him and raises it in the air with one hand]'' :'''Phil''': Whoo! :'''Young Hercules''': Uh, sorry. Why not? :'''Phil''': Two words: I am retired. :''[Hercules counts on fingers]'' :'''Young Hercules''': Look, I gotta do this. Haven't you ever had a dream, something you wanted so bad you'd do anything? :'''Phil''': ''[sighs]'': Kid, come inside, I want to show you something. :''[Inside, Hercules hits his head against a wooden mast.]'' :'''Phil''': Watch it! That was part of the mast of the Argo. :'''Young Hercules''': The Argo? :'''Phil''': Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra? ''[He shows Hercules a row of helmets.]'' I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every single one of those bums let me down. Flatter then a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on coming. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and - kaboom!  He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Eh, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment. :'''Young Hercules''': But I am different than those other guys, Phil! I can go the distance. Come on, I'll show you. :'''Phil''': ''[grunts]'' Geez, you don't give up, do ya? :'''Young Hercules''': Watch this. ''[He raises something big which looks like a UFO and sends it flying away.]'' :'''Phil''': Holy Hera.. You know maybe if I-- No! Snap  out of it! I am too old to get mixed up in this stuff again. :'''Young Hercules''': But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father, Zeus. :'''Phil''': Hold it! Zeus is your father, right? :'''Young Hercules''': Uh-huh. :'''Phil''': ''[laughs]'' Zeus! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr.  Lightning Bolts, read me a book, will ya.. da-da? Zeus! ''[mimics Zeus]''  Once upon a time— :'''Young Hercules''': It's the truth! :'''Phil''': Please! ''[singing]''  So you wanna be a hero, kid? well, whoop-de-do. I have been around the block before with blockheads just like you. Each and every one was disappointment. Pain for which there ain't no ointment. So much for excuses, though a kid of Zeus is, asking me to jump into the fray. ''[spoken]'' My answer is two words. ''[lightning hits Phil]''  Okay. :'''Young Hercules''': You mean you'll do it? :'''Phil''': You win. :'''Young Hercules''': You won't be sorry, Phil. :'''Phil''': Oh, gods. :'''Young Hercules''': So when do we start? Can we start now? :'''Phil''': Oy, vey. ''[singing]'': I'd given up hope that someone would come along. A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong. The kind who wins trophies, won't settle for low fees, at least semi-pro fees, but no, I get the greenhorn! I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone. Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn. But you need an advisor, A satyr, but wiser, A good merchandiser and-- whoa! There goes my ulcer! I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you, 'though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true. I trained enough turkeys, who never came through! You're my only last hope, so you'll have to do. ''[spoken]'' Rule #6: When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care. ''[Hercules falls into water]'' No! Rule #95, kid: Concentrate! Rule #96: Aim! ''[singing]'' Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery. Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery. To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art. Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart. It takes more then sinew, comes down to what's in you. You have to continue, to grow! :''[Hercules is an adult now]'' :'''Phil''': ''[spoken]'' Now that's more like it! ''[singing]'' I'm down to one last shot and my last high note, before that blasted underworld gets my goat. My dreams are on you, kid. Go make 'em come true! Climb that uphill slope! Keep pushing that envelope! You're my one last hope. And, kids, it's up to you! Yeah! :'''Hercules''': Did you see that? Next stop, Olympus. :'''Phil''': All right, just take it easy, champ. :'''Hercules''': I am ready, I want to get off this island. I want to see battles and monsters! Rescue some damsels... You know, heroic stuff. :'''Phil''': Well— :'''Hercules''': Aw, come on, Phil! :'''Phil''': Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid. We're going to Thebes! :'''Hercules''': Yahoo! ''[now flying on Pegasus]'' So, what's in Thebes? :'''Phil''': A lot of problems. It's a big tough town, good place to start building a rep. ''[They hear a woman screaming.]'' Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress. :'''Hercules''': Hyah! ''[They land and see Meg chased by a monster centaur.]'' :'''Nessus''': Not so fast, sweetheart. :'''Meg''': I swear, Nessus. Put me down or I'll— :'''Nessus''': Whoo! I like 'em fiery! :''[In the bushes, Hercules gets angry, while Phil instructs.]'' :'''Phil''': Now remember, kid. First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in there without thinking. Eh? ''[Hercules already walks to Nessus and Megara anyway.]'' He's losin' points for this! :'''Meg''': You don't know what you're— :'''Hercules''': Halt! :''[Hercules goes to stop Nessus the centaur from manhandling Meg]'' :'''Nessus''': ''[looms over him]'' Step aside, two-legs. :'''Hercules''': Pardon me, my good, uh...sir, but I demand you release that young... :'''Meg''': Keep moving, junior. :'''Hercules''': ...lady. But you... aren't you... a damsel in distress? :'''Meg''': I'm a ''damsel''. I'm in ''distress.'' I can handle this. Have a nice day. :'''Hercules''': Uh-- *ahem* Ma'am, I'm afraid you may be too close to the situation to realize-- ''[he takes his sword out and Nessus immediately hits him so he flies away]'' :'''Phil''': Ohhh! What are you doin'? Get your sword! :'''Hercules''': ''[searching in water]'' Sword. Right, right.. Rule #15: A hero is only as good as his weapon! :''[He picks up a fish and directs it at Nessus. Nessus laugh and Megara looks bored. Nessus then hits Hercules with a fist and Hercules flies away again]'' :'''Phil''': ''[groans and tells to Pegasus who rushes to help]'' Whoa! Hold it! Hold on! He's gotta do it on his own. Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head! :'''Hercules''': Oh... ''[He surges forward and socks Nessus with his head. Nessus flies away]'' :'''Phil''': All right! Not bad, kid. Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad. ''[Meg gets up from water and coughs]'' :'''Hercules''': Oh, gee, Miss, I'm I'm really sorry. :'''Meg''': Oh. :'''Hercules''': That was dumb. :'''Meg''': Yeah. ''[Nessus runs in again]'' :'''Hercules''': Excuse me. ''[He attacks Nessus, hits his head several times, and throws him]'' :'''Phil''': Nice work! Excellente! :'''Meg''': Is Wonderboy here for real? :'''Phil''': What are you talking about? Of course he's real... ''[notices Meg]'' Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too. ''[Phil gets on Megara's lap, but she pushes him into water]'' :'''Meg''': Ugh. ''[meanwhile, Hercules ride on Nessus]'' :'''Hercules''': ''[like a cowboy]'' Yee-hah! Yahoo! ''[He finishes Nessus in a spectacular fight]'' How was that, Phil? :'''Phil''': Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues! :'''Hercules''': ''[sighs]'' At least I beat him. Didn't I? :'''Phil''': Next time, don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes! D-oh! It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and you-- ''[Hercules walks up to Meg]'' :'''Hercules''': Are you, uh, all right, Miss, uh— :'''Meg''': Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorials? :'''Hercules''': Uh, I'm, um, uh— :'''Meg''': Are you always that articulate? ''[she turns to leave]'' :'''Hercules''': Hercules. my-- *ahem* My name is Hercules. :'''Meg''': Hercules, huh? I think I prefer Wonderboy. :'''Hercules''': So, uh, how-how-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh— :'''Meg''': Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think that "no" means "yes" and "get lost" means "take me, I'm yours". Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later. ''[Phil growls]'' Well, thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice. :'''Hercules''': Wait! Um.. can we give you a ride? ''[Pegasus snorts, whinnies, and jumps to a high branch]'' :'''Meg''': Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much. :'''Hercules''': Pegasus? Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to-- ow! ''[Pegasus drops an apple on Hercules' head]'' :'''Meg''': I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything. Bye-bye Wonderboy. :'''Hercules''': Bye... She's something, isn't she, Phil? :'''Phil''': Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something. A real pain in the patella! Earth to Herc! Come in, Herc! Come in, Herc! We got a job to do, remember? Thebes is still waitin'. :'''Hercules''': Yeah. Yeah. I know. :''[Meg walks into the forest and comes upon a rabbit and a gopher]'' :'''Meg''': Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents looking for a theme park. :'''Pain''': ''[as a bunny]'' Who you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny. :'''Panic''': ''[as a gopher]'' And I'm his gopher. :'''Pain and Panic''': Ta-dah! ''[they turn into themselves]'' :'''Meg''': I thought I smelled a rat. :'''Hades''': Meg. :'''Meg''': Speak of the devil. :'''Hades''': Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising, and here I am, kind of river guardian-less. :'''Meg''': I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse. :'''Hades''': Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay? Give that your best shot. :'''Meg''': Look, it wasn't my fault, it was this wonder-boy Hercules. :'''Panic''': Hercules. Why does that name ring a bell? :'''Pain''': I dunno. Maybe we owe money? :'''Hades''': What… was that name… again? :'''Meg''': Hercules. He comes on with this big 'innocent farmboy' routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute. :'''Pain''': Wait a minute. Wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to... :'''Pain and Panic''': '''''<big>OH MY GODS!!!</big>''''' :'''Pain''': Run for it! :'''Hades''': So you "took care of him", huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your '''''exact''''' words?! :'''Pain''': This might be a different Hercules. :'''Panic''': Yeah, I mean Hercules is a ''[Hades angrily chokes him]'' very popular name nowadays. :'''Pain''': Remember like a few years ago-every other boy was named Jason and the girls were all named Britney? :'''Hades''': I'm about to re-arrange the cosmos... and the one '''<big>SCHLEMIEL... WHO CAN LOUSE IT UP...IS WALTZING AROUND... ''IN THE WOODS!''</big>''' :''[Hades literally explodes with rage, burning down the entire forest. Meg ducks down from the incoming blaze, and he also starts panting]'' :'''Pain''': Wait. Wait, big guy. We can still cut in on his waltzing. :'''Panic''': That's right. And we made him mortal, that's a good thing. Didn't we? :'''Hades''': Hmm. Fortunately, for the three of you, we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight. And this time, no foul-ups. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meanwhile, Hercules and Phil are flying on Pegasus, as they reach the city of Thebes like '''[[w:Crash Bandicoot: Warped|Crash Bandicoot 3: Warped]]''' and '''[[w:The Chipmunk Adventure|The Chipmunk Adventure]]'''.]'' :'''Hercules''': Wow! Is that all one town? :'''Phil''': One town. A million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. ''[They enter the city.]'' Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. ''[They almost get hit by a passing carriage.]'' :'''Driver''': Look where you're goin' numbskull! :'''Phil''': Hey, I'm walkin' here! You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you- wackos. :'''Man''': Pita bread, pita bread, get your pita bread here! :'''Smuggler''': Hey, Mack. ''[he opens his coat at Phil and Hercules]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa, whoa, whoa! :'''Smuggler''': You wanna buy a sundial? :'''Phil''': He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid. :'''Man''': The end is coming! Can't you feel it? :'''Phil''': Yes, yes. Thank you for the info. Yes. We'll ponder that for a while. ''[to Hercules]'' Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts. That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered. :''[At a fountain nearby, a group of people are discussing the city's problems.]'' :'''Lumpy Woman''': It was tragic! We lost everything in the fire :'''Burnt Man''': Everything except old Snowball here. ''[Snowball, a now black, and electrically shocked kitten cat, meows.]'' :'''Tall Thebian''': Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake? :'''Thin Woman''': They were after the earthquake, I remember. :'''Lumpy Woman''': But before the flood. :'''Old Man''': Don't even get me started on the crime rate. :'''Lumpy woman''': Thebes has certainly gone downfall in a hurry. :'''Old Man''': Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I— :'''Burnt Man''': All we need now is a plague or locusts. :''[A locust hops in and cricket chirps, scaring everybody.]'' :'''Old Man''': That's it! I'm movin' to Sparta! :'''Hercules''': ''[arriving up to them]'' Excuse me. It, uh *ahem*, seems to me that what you folks need is a hero. :'''Tall Thebian''': ''[skeptically]'' Yeah, and who are you? :'''Hercules''': I'm Hercules, and, uh, I happen to be... a hero.  :''[crowd laughs]'' :'''Old Man''': Is that so? :'''Thin Woman''': A hero! :'''Old Man''': Have you ever saved a town before? :'''Hercules''': Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but I— :'''Tall Thebian''': Have you ever reversed a natural disaster? :'''Hercules''': Well, uh... no. :'''Tall Thebian''': Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser. This we need. :'''Thin Woman''': That's a laugh. :'''Phil''': Don't you pea brains get it?! This kid is the genuine article! :'''Burnt Man''': Hey, isn't that goat man who trained Achilles? :'''Phil''': Watch it, pal. :'''Tall Thebian''': Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot! :'''Phil''': You… I got your heel RIGHT HERE! I'll wipe that STUPID GRIN OFF YOUR FACE, '''''<big>YOU LARBUTT!</big>''''' :'''Hercules''': Hey, Phil! Phil! Phil! Take it easy, Phil! Phil. :'''Tall Thebian''': What are you crazy?! Sheesh. :'''Lumpy Woman''': Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur. :'''Hercules''': No, wait! Stop! How am I supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance? :'''Phil''': You'll get your chance; you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster. :'''Meg''': Please! Help! Please! There's been a terrible accident! :'''Hercules''': Meg? :'''Phil''': Speaking of disasters. :'''Meg''': Wonderboy! Hercules! Thank goodness! :'''Hercules''': Wha-What's wrong? :'''Meg''': Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge. There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide! They're trapped! :'''Hercules''': Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great! :'''Meg''': You are really choked up about this, aren't ya? :'''Hercules''': Come on! :'''Meg''': No, you don't understand. I have this terrible fear of '''HEIGHTS'''! :'''Phil''': I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo, I'm way behind ya. I've got a fur wedgie. :''[Hercules and Meg land, and Hercules dismounts from Pegasus.]'' :'''Hercules''': Are you okay? :'''Meg''': I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery. :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Help! I can't breathe! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' Hurry! :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Get us out! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' We're suffocating! Somebody call IX-I-I! :'''Hercules''': Easy, fellas, you'll be all right. :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' We can't last much longer! :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' Get us out before we get crushed! :''[Hercules raises a huge boulder. Kids run out from under it and the crowd cheers lightly]'' :'''Hercules''': How you boys doin'? :'''Panic''': ''[as boy]'' We're okay now :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' Jeepers, mister, you are really strong! :'''Hercules''': ''[still holding the stone]'' Well, try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids? :'''Pain''': ''[as boy]'' We sure will! ''[they run away, up the slope and face Hades]'' :'''Hades''': A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved. :'''Panic''': "Jeepers, Mister" ? :'''Pain''': I was going for innocence. :'''Hades''': And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. ''[looking at Meg]'' What a dish. What a doll. :'''Meg''': ''[quietly]'' Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can. :'''Hercules''': Phil, I did great. They even applauded, sort of. :''[Growling sound begins]'' :'''Phil''': Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause. :''[Hydra appears]'' :'''Hercules''': Ph-ph-ph-phil? What do you call that thing? :'''Phil''': TWO WORDS! AMSCRAY!! :'''Hades''': Let's get ready to rumble! :''[Hydra and Hercules start fighting]'' :'''Phil''': That's it. Dance around! Dance around! Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth. Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left. Lead with your left! You're other left!! :''[Finally Hercules slices the head of Hydra off. Crowd cheers.]'' :'''Phil''': All right! All right! You are bad! Okay! :'''Hercules''': See, Phil? That-- That wasn't so hard. ''[He drops sword and falls flat on the ground]'' :'''Phil''': Kid, kid, kid, how many horns do ya see? :'''Hercules''': Six? :'''Phil''': Eh, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up. :''[Above on Hades' watching perch, Panic shivers and gulps.]'' :'''Hades''': Guys, guys, relax. It's only halftime. :''[Below, Hercules and Phil hear rumbling from Hydra's body.]'' :'''Phil''': That doesn't sound good. ''[Hydra gets three new heads]'' Definitely not good! :''[Hercules on Pegasus fights with Hydra and keeps slicing his heads off, getting more and more new ones]'' :'''Phil''': '''''<big>WILL YOU FORGET THAT HEAD-SLICING THING?</big>''''' :''[Hercules gets knocked off Pegasus and falls among heads and necks of Hydra]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, I don't think we covered this one in basic training! :''[Hercules escapes, but falls back from the cliff and is now pressed against the wall by Hydra's paw]'' :'''Hades''': My favorite part of the game: sudden death. :''[Hercules crushes the rock on Hydra and gets buried under rocks himself too.]'' :'''Phil''': Oh! There goes another one. Just like Achilles. :'''Hades''': ''[lighting himself a cigar]'' Game. Set. Match. :''[Hercules appears from Hydra's dead paw. Crowd cheers really loud now.]'' :'''Hercules''': Phil, you gotta admit, that was pretty heroic. :'''Phil''': Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! You won by a landslide! :''[Above, Hades turns a bright shade of red, destroying his cigar and pinches his minions' eye sockets.]'' :'''Panic''': ''[in pain]'' Hades mad. :'''Meg''': Well. What do ya know? :''[Cut to Muses]'' :'''Calliope''': ''[spoken]'' From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool. Oh, yeah! ''[singing]'' Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll :'''Thalia''': Person of the week, in every Greek opinion poll :'''Terpsichore''': What a pro! :'''Calliope''': Herc could stop a show, point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O. He was a no one! :'''Muses''': A zero, a zero :'''Calliope''': Now he's a honcho! :'''Muses''': He's a hero! :'''Calliope''': He was a kid with his act down pat! :'''Muses''': Zero to hero in no time flat! Zero to hero! :'''Calliope''': Just like that! :'''Muses''': When he smiled the girls went wild! With oohs and aahs! :'''Thalia''': And they slapped his face, on every vase! :'''Clio''': On every "Vahse"! :'''Muses''': From appearance fees and royalties. Our Herc had cash to burn. Now nouveau riche and famous. :'''Calliope''': He could tell you what's a Grecian urn :'''Muses''': Say amen! There he goes again :'''Melpomene''': Sweet and undefeated. And an awesome ten for ten. :'''Muses''': Folks lined up just to watch him flex :'''Thalia''': And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs :'''Muses''': Hercie, he comes, he sees, he conquers. Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers. He showed the moxie brains and spunk -- yeah! From zero to hero :'''Thalia''': A major hunk :'''Muses''': Zero to hero :'''Calliope''': And who'd have thunk... Who put the glad in gladiator? :'''Muses''': Hercules! :'''Melpomene''': Who's darin' deeds are great theater? :'''Muses''': Hercules! :'''Melpomene''': Is he bold? :'''Male Chorus''': No one braver! :'''Terpsichore''': Is he sweet? :'''Muses''': Our favorite flavor! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Hercules! Bless my soul, Herc was on a roll. Undefeated. Riding high. :'''Calliope''': And the nicest guy :'''Muses''': Not conceited. He was a nothing, zero, zero. Now he's a honcho, he's our hero! He hit the heights at breakneck speed. From zero to hero. Herc is a hero. Now he's a hero. :'''Calliope''': Yes, indeed! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hades practices shooting at targets]'' :'''Hades''': Pull! :'''Meg''': Nice shooting, Rex. :'''Hades''': I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him and it doesn't even- What... are... ''those?'' :'''Pain''': Um, I don't know. I thought they looked kinda dashing. :'''Hades''': ''[angrily; losing patience; temper tantrum]'' I got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke, '''<big>and you… are wearing… ''HIS… MERCHANDISE?!''</big>''' :''[Suddenly the sound of slurping can be heard and Hades turns to Panic who is drinking Hercules soda cup]'' :'''Panic''': ''[chuckles nervously]'' Uh, thirsty? :'''Hades''': '''''<big>GAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!</big>''' [blasts them]'' :'''Meg''': Looks like your game's over. Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him. :'''Hades''': Oh yeah... I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right curves at him. Meg, my sweet. :'''Meg''': Don't even go there. :'''Hades''': See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness I mean for what? Pandora, it was the box thing, for the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay? We simply need to find out Wonderboy's. :'''Meg''': I've done my part. Get your little imps— :'''Hades''': They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need someone who can... handle him as a man. :'''Meg''': Hey, I've sworn off manhandling. :'''Hades''': Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into the jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh? :'''Meg''': Look, I learned my lesson, okay? :'''Hades''': Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down wonder breath and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Temple of Zeus]'' :'''Hercules''': You should have been there, father! I mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, I analyzed the situation, controlled my strength and kicked! The crowds went wild! Thank you, thank you. :'''Zeus''': Hah! You're doin' great, son. You're doin' your old man proud. :'''Hercules''': I am glad to hear you say that, father. I've been waiting for this day a long time. :'''Zeus''': Hmm.. What day is that, son? :'''Hercules''': The day I rejoin the gods. :'''Zeus''': You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy. You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero. :'''Hercules''': But father, I've beaten every single monster I've come up against. I'm-I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm-- I'm an action figure! :'''Zeus''': I'm afraid being famous isn't the same as being a true hero. :'''Hercules''': What more can I do? :'''Zeus''': It's something you have to discover for yourself. :'''Hercules''': But how can I-- :'''Zeus''': Look inside your heart. :'''Hercules''': Father, wait! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In the city, a carriage passes past rich gates]'' :'''Guide''': On your left is Hercules' villa. My next stop is the Pecs and Flex gift shop where you can pick up the Great Hero's 30-minute workout scroll "Buns of Bronze." :''[Inside the villa, Hercules is posing for a picture on a vase, dressed in the skin of Scar from [[w:The Lion King|Disney's The Lion King]]]'' :'''Phil''': At 1:00, you got a meeting with king Augeas. He's got a problem with his stables. I'd advise you not to wear your new sandals. :'''Hercules''': Phil? :'''Artist''': I told you, don't move! :'''Phil''': D.G.R., the Daughters of the Greek Revolution :'''Hercules''': Phil? :'''Phil''': At 3:00, you gotta get a girdle from some amazons. :'''Hercules''': ''[dropping club and shield]'' Phil, what's the point?! :''[The artist, now furious, gives out a loud yell]'' :'''Artist''': '''<big>YAIEEEEE! THAT'S IT!! (I QUIT!)</big>''' :'''Phil''': Keep your toga on, pal. ''[Artist throws the paints on Phil, making him look like a clown and leaves]'' What do you mean, "what's the point?" You wanna go to Olympus, don't ya? :'''Hercules''': Yeah, but this stuff doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. ''[throws Scar to Phil]'' :'''Phil''': ''[wiping the paint off his face with Scar]'' You can't give up now, I'm counting on ya'. :'''Hercules''': I gave this everything I had. :'''Phil''': Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all. And I am tellin' you - and this is the honest-to-Zeus truth - you got somethin' I never seen before. :'''Hercules''': Really? :'''Phil''': I can feel it right down to these stubby bow legs of mine. There is nothin' you can't do, kid. :''[Door opens and fan girls scream]'' :'''Fan girls''': It's him! :'''Phil''': Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch— :'''Fan girls''': I touched his elbow! I got his sweatband! :'''Hercules''': Phil, help! :'''Phil''': Okay, escape plan beta. :'''Hercules''': Gotcha. :''[Phil blows whistle, fan girls look at him for a moment and Hercules disappears]'' :'''Fan girls''': Hey, where is he?! :'''Phil''': There he goes, on the verranda! :''[Girls run away, Phil too, but when door closes, Meg appears from behind it, she walks and sees Hercules' toes under a curtain]'' :'''Meg''': Let's see, what could be behind curtain number one? :'''Hercules''': Meg! :'''Meg''': It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed. :'''Hercules''': Gee, I-I-It's great to see you. I-I-I missed you. :'''Meg''': ''[dropping on a couch]'' So, this is what heroes do on their days off :'''Hercules''': I am no hero. :'''Meg''': Sure you are. Everybody in Greece thinks you're the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita. :'''Hercules''': ''[chuckles]'' I know. It's-it's crazy you know, I can't go anywhere without being mobbed, I mean— :'''Meg''': Ah. You sound like you could use a break. Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon? :'''Hercules''': Oh gee. I-I don't know, uh, Phil's got the rest of the day pretty much booked. :'''Meg''': Ah, Phil, Schmill.. Just follow me. Out the window, round the dumbbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Evening, outdoors]'' :'''Hercules''': Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay, :'''Meg''': Mmm. :'''Hercules''': and then that, that play, that, that Oedipus thing. Man! I thought I had problems. :''[Both chuckle and such, two little birds sitting near turn into Pain and Panic to speak to Meg]'' :'''Panic''': Psst! Stop foolin' around! :'''Pain''': Yeah. Get the goods, sister. :''[Hercules turns back and they turn into birst and tweet innocently]'' :'''Hercules''': I didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun. :'''Meg''': Yeah. Neither did I. :'''Hercules''': Thanks, Meg. :'''Meg''': Oh.. Don't that me just yet. Oh! ''[She falls into Hercules' arms]'' :'''Hercules''': Oops, careful. :'''Meg''': Sorry. Weak ankles. :'''Hercules''': Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you better sit down for a while. ''[carries her on a bench and they sit down]'' :'''Meg''': So, uh, do you have any problems with things like.. this? ''[She stretched her leg and holds her foot right before Hercules' face]'' :'''Hercules''': Uh..... :'''Meg''': Weak ankles, I mean. :'''Hercules''': Oh. Uh, no. Not really. :'''Meg''': ''[moving closer to him]'' No weaknesses whatsoever? No trick knee? :'''Hercules''': Uh— :'''Meg''': ''[moving even more close]'' Ruptured... disks? :'''Hercules''': No. I'm I'm afraid I'm, uh.. fit as a fiddle. ''[He finally stands up from the bench]'' :'''Meg''': Wonderboy, you are perfect. :'''Hercules''': Thanks. ''[He sends a coin jumping on a water in a fountain and it breaks the arms off the statue of Venus]'' Whoops. :'''Meg''': It looks better that way. No, it really does. :'''Hercules''': You know, when I was a kid I, I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else. :'''Meg''': You wanted to be petty and dishonest? :'''Hercules''': Everybody's not like that. :'''Meg''': Yes, they are. :'''Hercules''': You're not like that :'''Meg''': How do you know what I'm like? :'''Hercules''': All I know is.. You're the most amazing person with... weak ankles I've ever met. ''[Meg steps back and gets pricked on an arrow of a tiny statue of Amur]'' Meg, when I'm with you I-I don't feel so... alone. :'''Meg''': Sometimes it's better to be alone. :'''Hercules''': What do you mean? :'''Meg''': Nobody can hurt you. :'''Hercules''': Meg? I would never ever hurt you. :'''Meg''': And I don't wanna hurt you, so... let's both do ourselves a favor and.. stop this... um.. before... we-- :''[Their lips met for the kiss, but the moment before it happens bright light flashes into their eyes. It is Phil, on Pegasus, impersonating police helicopter]'' :'''Phil''': All right! Break it up! Break it up! Party's over! I been lookin' all over this town! :'''Meg''': Calm down, mutton man! It was all my fault. :'''Phil''': You're already on my list, sister, so don't make it worse :''[Pegasus snorts at Meg, she snorts back, turning the light off]'' :'''Phil''': And as for you, ya bum, you're gonna go to the stadium and you're gonna be put through the workout of your life! Now get on the horse. :'''Hercules''': Okay, okay. :'''Meg''': I'm sorry. :'''Hercules''': Ah, he'll get over it. :''[He bends a huge tree casually and picks a flower off it, gives it to Meg and kisses her in the cheek]'' :'''Phil''': Move! Move, move, move, move, move! Move! ''[on Pegasus]'' Whoo! Ya-eee! Hey, watch it, watch it! Whoo!  Watch it! Keep your goo-goo eyes on the- ''[A branch finally hits Phil and he falls on the ground]'' That's it. Next time, I drive. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Meg sits alone and smells the flower]'' :'''Meg''': Oh. what's the matter with me? You'd think a girl would learn. ''[singing]'' If there's a prize for rotten judgement. I guess I've already won that. No man is worth the aggravation. That's ancient history been there, done that! :'''Muses''': Who d'ya think you're kidding? He's the Earth and Heaven to you. Try to keep it hidden, honey, We can see right through you :'''Meg''': Oh, No :'''Muses''': Girl, you can't conceal it. We know how you feel and who you're thinkin' of? :'''Meg''': Oh-no, no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no :'''Muses''': You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh? :'''Meg''': It's too cliche, I won't say I'm in love :'''Muses''': Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oo-oo-oo :'''Meg''': I thought my heart had learned its lesson. It feels so good when you start out... :'''Muses''': Ahhh.. :'''Meg''': My head is screaming get a grip, girl. Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart, oh :'''Muses''': You keep on denying. Who you are and how you're feelin'. Baby, we're not buyin' hon, We saw you hit the ceilin'. Face it like a grownup. When you gonna own up that you. Got Got Got it bad :'''Meg''': Oh, no chance, no way, I won't say it, no, no :'''Muses''': Give up, but give in, Check the grin, you're in love :'''Meg''': This scene won't play, I won't say I'm in love :'''Muses''': You're doing flips, read our lips. You're in love shoo-doo, shoo-doo :'''Meg''': You're way off base, I won't say it (Muses: She won't say in love) Get off my case, I won't say it :'''Muses''': Girl, don't be proud, it's okay, you're in love :'''Meg''': Oh.. At least at loud. I won't say I'm in love... :'''Muses''': Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la Haaa <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Hey, what's the buzz, huh, Meg? What is the weak link in the Wonderboy's chain? :'''Meg''': Get yourself another girl, I'm through. :'''Hades''': I'm sorry. Do you mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something. :'''Meg''': Then read my lips. Forget it. :'''Hades''': Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail? '''''<big>I OWN YOU!!</big>''''' :'''Phil''': Oh. I got another horn here... :'''Hades''': ''[to Meg] '''<big>YOU WORK FOR ME!</big>''''' :'''Phil''': That kid's gonna be doin' laps for a month. :'''Hades''': If I say, "sing", you say, "hey, name that tune" If I say, "I want Wonderboy's head on a platter" you say— :'''Meg''': Medium or well done. :'''Phil''': Oh! I knew that dame was trouble. This is gonna break the kid's heart. :'''Meg''': I'll work on that. :''[Phil runs away]'' :'''Hades''': I'm sorry... You hear that sound? That's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever. :'''Meg''': I don't care. I'm not gonna help you hurt him. :'''Hades''': I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy. :'''Meg''': This one is different. He's honest, and-and he's sweet— :'''Hades''': Please. :'''Meg''': He would never do anything to hurt me. :'''Hades''': He's a guy. :'''Meg''': Besides, oh, oneness, you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses, he's gonna— :'''Hades''': I think he does, Meg. I truly think he does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the stadium, Hercules is doing exercises]'' :'''Hercules''': Ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Hey, Phil! What happened to you? :'''Phil''': Kid, we gotta talk. :'''Hercules''': Oh, Phil, I just had the greatest day of my life! I-I can't stop thinking about Meg. She's something else. :'''Phil''': Kid, I'm tryin' to talk to ya! Will you come down here and listen? :'''Hercules''': Aw, how can I come down there when I'm feeling so <big>UP!!</big> ''[jumps up into clouds]'' :''[Meanwhile a Pegasus mare appears and makes Pegasus follow her. In a pen, the mare splits in two parts which turn into Pain and Panic]'' :'''Pain''': Gotcha! :''[back on the stadium]'' :'''Phil''': Ah, very nice! What I'm trying to say is— :'''Hercules''': That if it wasn't for you, I never would have met her. Oh, I owe ya big time. Little guy, I do. :'''Phil''': Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds? :'''Hercules''': Rule #38, Come on, Phil, keep them up there, huh? Phil, I got two words for ya: Duck! :'''Phil''': Listen to me! She's— :'''Hercules''': A dream come true? :'''Phil''': Not exactly. :'''Hercules''': More beautiful then Aphrodite? :'''Phil''': Aside from that! :'''Hercules''': The most wonderful— :'''Phil''': '''''<big>SHE'S A FRAUD!</big>''''' She's been playing you for a sap! :'''Hercules''': Oh, come on, stop kidding around. :'''Phil''': I'm NOT kidding around! :'''Hercules''': I know you're upset about today, but that's no reason to- :'''Phil''': Kid, you're missing the point! :'''Hercules''': Point is: I LOVE her. :'''Phil''': She don't love ''you''! :'''Hercules''': You're crazy! :'''Phil''': She's nothing but a two-timin'- :'''Hercules''': '''<big>STOP IT!</big>''' :'''Phil''': -no good, LYIN, SCHEMING- :'''Hercules''': ''[suddenly turns around and accidentally slaps Phil]'' '''''<big>SHUT UP!</big>''''' Phil, I… I didn't mean… Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. :'''Phil''': Okay. Okay, that's it. You won't face the truth? Fine. :'''Hercules''': Phil, wait. Where are you going? :'''Phil''': I'm hopping the first barge outta here. I'm going home. :'''Hercules''': FINE! Go! I don't- I don't need you. :'''Phil''': I thought you were going to be the all-time champ. Not the all-time chump. :''[Hades appears]'' :'''Hades''': Geez, Louise. What's got his goat, huh? Baboom. My name's Hades, Lord of the Dead. Hi, how ya doing? :'''Hercules''': Not now, okay. :'''Hades''': Hey, wait, I only need a few seconds, and I'm a fast learner, right? You see, I've had this major deal in the works... a real estate venture, if you will. And Herc, you little devil, you, may I call you Herc? You seem to be constantly getting in the way of things, right? :'''Hercules''': You have the wrong guy. :'''Hades''': COME HERE, YOU LITTLE- heh-heh. Just hear me out, okay? Well, I would be eternally grateful if you would just take a day off from this hero business of yours. Jeez, I mean monsters, natural disasters. Phew. You wait a day? :'''Hercules''': You're out of your mind. :'''Hades''': Not so fast, because, ya see I have this one, a little leverage, you might wanna know about. :'''Hercules''': Meg! :'''Meg''': Don't listen, Herc– :'''Hercules''': Let her go! :'''Hades''': Here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours, alright? Say the next 24 hours and Meg here is free as a bird and safe from harm. We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. Whaddya say? C'mon. :'''Hercules''': People are gonna get hurt, aren't they? :'''Hades''': Nah. I mean, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, y'know, it's war - but what can I tell ya? Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh? Isn't Meg - little smoochy face - isn't she more important than they are? :'''Hercules''': Stop it! :'''Hades''': Isn't she?! :'''Hercules''': You gonna swear she'll be safe from any harm. :'''Hades''': Fine, okay, I'll give ya that one. Meg is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boiler plate, baboom. Alright? We're done. Whaddya say we shake on it? Hey, I really don't have, like, time to bat this around. I'm kind of on a schedule here, I have plans for August, alright? I need a response, like, now. Going once, going twice... :'''Hercules''': Alright. :'''Hades''': Yes, we're there! ''[they shake hands and Hercules' strength drains from him]'' You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural. Perhaps you should sit '''''DOWN!''''' Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else. Isn't it just peachy? Oh! You'll love this - one more thing. Meg... babe. A deal's a deal. You're off the hook. By the way, Herc. Is she not, like, a famous little actress? :'''Meg''': Stop it. :'''Hercules''': What do you mean? :'''Hades''': I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time. ''[sticking out his tongue in obviousness]'' Duh. :'''Hercules''': You're-You're lying! :''[Hades motions towards Pain and Panic, who are disguised as the boys again as if to say "Am I? Am I Really?"]'' :'''Panic''': ''[as a boy]'' Help! ''[Coughs]'' :'''Pain''': ''[as another boy]'' Jeepers, mister, you're really strong! :''[They turn back themselves and start laughing at him]'' :'''Hades''': ''[to Meg]'' Couldn't have done it with you, sugar, sweetheart, babe. :'''Meg''': ''[to Hercules]'' No, it's not like that! I didn't mean to- I-I couldn't… I-I'm so sorry. :'''Pain and Panic''': ''[singing while taunting Hercules]'' Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero! :''[Meg starts to cry in regret]'' :'''Hades''': Well, gotta blaze. There's a whole cosmos up there waiting for me with, hey, my name on it. So much for the preliminaries, and now onto the main event! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Brothers! Titans! Look at you in your squalid prison! Who… put you… down there?! :'''Titans''': '''''<big>ZEUS!</big>''''' :'''Hades''': '''''<big>AND NOW THAT I SET YOU FREE, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU ARE GOING TO DO?!</big>''''' :'''Titans''': '''''<big>DESTROY HIM!</big>''''' :'''Hades''': Good answer. :'''Lythos''': Crush Zeus! :'''Hydros''': Freeze him! :'''Pyros''': Melt Zeus! :'''Stratos''': Blow him away! :'''Titans''': Zeus! :'''Hades''': Uh, Guys? :'''Titans''': Huh? :'''Hades''': Olympus would be that way. :'''Lythos''': Zeus! :'''Hydros''': Freeze him! :'''Hades''': Hold it, bright eye. :'''Cyclops''': Huh? :'''Hades''': I have a special job for you, my optic friend. :''[Olympus. Hermes sees the titans first]'' :'''Hermes''': Ah. Huh? :'''Lythos''': Destroy Zeus! :'''Hermes''': Oh, we're in trouble! Oh, big trouble! I gotta-- ''[he zooms to Olympus]'' My Lord and Lady, the Titans have escaped. And they're practically at our gates! :'''Zeus''': Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go! :'''Hermes''': Gone, babe. :''[Gods prepare to war]'' :'''Ares''': Charge! :'''Apollo''': On to battle! :'''Zeus''': ''[throwing lightnings at Lythos in vain]'' Yee-hah! :'''Ares''': ''[getting sucked in by Stratos]'' You windbag! :'''Hades''': ''[watching this]'' Boom, badda-boom, boom, boom! Hah! :''[Meanwhile, the Cyclops, under Hades's orders, looks for Hercules, causing destruction and mayhem in Thebes]'' :'''Cyclops''': Hercules! Where are you? :'''Thin woman''': What can we do? :'''Tall Thebian''': Where's Hercules? :'''Old Man''': Yeah, Hercules'll save us. :'''Cyclops''': Hercules! Come out! Face me! :'''Meg''': ''[to Hercules who starts going]'' What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed. :'''Hercules''': There are worse things. :'''Cyclops''': Run! :'''Meg''': Wait! stop! :'''Tall Thebian''': Hey, look! It's Hercules. :'''Lumpy Woman''': Thank the gods, we're saved! :'''Cyclops''': So, you mighty Hercules. :''[He hits Hercules who flies away and hits a mosaic of himself. Meanwhile Meg finds Pegasus tied up in the stables]'' :'''Meg''': Easy, horsefeathers. Whoa! Stop twitching, listen. Ah! Hercules is in trouble. We gotta find Phil, he's the only one who can talk some sense into him. ''[screams]'' :''[Meanwhile on Olympus, battle between Zeus and the Titans goes on]'' :'''Zeus''': Get back, blast you! :''[Lythos smashes the gates of Olympus open]'' :'''Hades''': Ooh, Chihuahua. :'''Lythos''': Zeus! :''[Phil is going to leave Thebes and is walking to a boat]'' :'''Sailor''': Come on! Hurry up! We're shovin' off here! :'''Meg''': Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help! :'''Phil''': What does he need me for when he's got friends like you? :'''Meg''': He won't listen to me. :'''Phil''': Good! He's finally learned something. :'''Meg''': Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about him. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die. :''[Meanwhile on Olympus... and back to Thebes as the Cyclops tosses Hercules and plays with him]'' :'''Zeus''': '''''<big>I NEED MORE THUNDERBOLTS!</big>''''' :'''Hermes''': Hephaestus has been captured, my Lord. Everyone's been captured. ''[Pain and Panic get him]'' I've been captured! Hey, hey! Watch the glasses. :'''Hades''': Zeusy, I'm home. :'''Zeus''': Hades, '''''<big>YOU'RE BEHIND THIS!?</big>''''' :'''Hades''': You are correct, sir! :'''Cyclops''': Flea! :'''Phil''': Hercules! :'''Hercules''': Phil. :'''Phil''': Come on, kid, come on. Fight back. Come on, you can take this bum, This guy's a pushover, look at him. :'''Hercules''': You were right all along, Phil. Dreams are for rookies. :'''Phil''': No, no, no, no, kid, givin' up is for rookies. I came back 'cause I'm not quittin' on ya. I'm willing to go the distance, how 'bout you? :''[Cyclops grabs Hercules, laughing in anticipation to finish him off]'' :'''Cyclops''': Me bite off head! :''[Hercules burns the Cyclops' face with a burning stick]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa, baby! :''[after Hercules defeating the Cyclops, Meg sees a pillar falling]'' :'''Meg:''' Hercules, look out! ''[pushes him out of the way only for her to get crushed beneath it]'' :'''Hercules:''' Meg?! '''''<big>NOOOOOOOOOOOO!</big>''' [raises the pillar, getting his strength back]'' What's happening? :'''Meg:''' Hades' deal is broken. He promised I wouldn't get hurt. :'''Hercules:''' Meg, why… why… why did ya… You didn't have to… :'''Meg:''' People always do crazy things when they're in love. :'''Hercules:''' Oh, Meg. Meg, I… I… :'''Meg:''' Are you always this articulate? You… You haven't got much time. You can still stop Hades. :'''Phil:''' I'll watch over her, kid. :'''Hercules:''' You're gonna be all right. I promise. ''[draws his sword and mounts on Pegasus who flies to Olympus at top-speed]'' Let's go, Pegasus! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Olympus:  Gods in chains]'' :'''Pain''': Hup, two, three, four, come on, everybody! I can't hear you! :'''Hermes''': Oh, oh! :'''Zeus''': ''[being frozen from one side and burnt from another]'' I swear to you, Hades, when I get out of this-- :''[He is finally buried under molten rock]'' :'''Hades''': I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy. And I think I'm gonna like it here. :'''Hercules''': Don't get too comfortable, Hades! :'''Apollo''': Hercules! :'''Hercules''': This oughta even the odds! ''[He breaks the chain by which the gods were chained]'' :'''Hermes''': ''[Hitting Pain and Panic]'' Yeah, Hercules! Thank you, man! :'''Hades''': Get them! :''[Pyros misses Hercules and covers Hades in molten lava]'' :'''Hades''': Whoa! Hey! No! Get him, not me! Him! Follow the fingers! Him! ''[Ice storm from Hydros who was trying to hit Hercules freezes Hades]'' The yutz with the horse! ''[Hercules opens the stone block and releases Zeus]'' '''''<big>GAAARRRGGGGHHH!!!!</big>''''' ''[breaks out of the frozen block]'' :'''Zeus''': Thank you, my boy. :''[Meanwhile Pegasus chases Pain and Panic]'' :'''Pain''': Nice horsey! My intentions were pure! I really was attracted to you. :'''Hephaestus''': Throw! :'''Zeus''': ''[He catches two bolts of lightning.]'' Hah! Now watch your old man work! :'''Lythos''': Uh-oh. :''[Lightnings explode heads of Lythos, other Titans leave]'' :'''Hades''': Guys, get your titanic rears in gears and kick some Olympian butt! ''[Pegasus blows at Hades' head and blue fire which was his head is out.]'' Whoa is my hair out? :''[Hercules meanwhile catches Stratos and sucks into him Lythos, Hydros, and Pyros. He launches them into the sky where they all explode.]'' :'''Zeus''': ''[high-fiving Hercules]'' Hah! :'''Hercules''': Whoo-hoo! :'''Hades''': ''[leaving]'' Thanks a ton, Wonderboy. But at least, I've got one swell consolation prize -- a friend of yours who's dying to see me. :'''Hercules''': Meg! :''[Atropos cuts the thread of life and Megara is dead]'' :'''Hercules''' ''[arrives to her]'' Meg. Meg, no. :'''Phil''': Oh, I'm sorry, kid. There's some things you just can't change. :'''Hercules''': ''[lifting his eyes, with a determined glare]'' Yes, I can. :''[Down in the Underworld, Hades throws a tantrum over the failure on Olympus. Pain and Panic dodge a blast of fire burning the map table, as the room is now in shreds]'' :'''Hades''': ''[ranting angrily with his head goes fiery red]'' WE WERE SO CLOSE! So close. We tripped at the finish line. Why? Because our little nut, Meg has to go all noble. :'''Hercules''': Where's Meg? :'''Hades''': Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy, you are too much. :'''Hercules''': Let her go. :'''Hades''': Get a grip. Come here, come here. Let me show you around. Hmph. Well, well. [[w:It's a Small World|It's a small underworld after all]], huh? :'''Hercules''': Meg. ''[His hands turn old as he touches the water. When he draws them out, they turn back to normal]'' :'''Hades''': No, no, no. Mustn't touch. You see, Meg's running with a new crowd these days. And not a very lively one, at that. :'''Hercules''': You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place. :'''Hades''': The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death. :'''Hercules''': Going once. :'''Hades''': Is there a downside to this? :'''Hercules''': Going twice. :'''Hades''': Okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out- she goes, you stay. ''[Hercules jumps into the river of death]'' You know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it? :''[Hercules keeps swimming in the river, growing older and older. The Fates hold up his thread of life, and Atropos goes to cut the thread of life, but it suddenly shines, and the scissors can't cut it turning Gold.]'' :'''Lachesis''': What's the matter with these scissors? :'''Clotho''': The thread won't cut. :''[At the same time, Hercules floats out from the river with Meg's soul and climbs up the cliff, holding Meg's soul in his arms, as he shines brightly]'' :'''Hades''': This… this is impossible. You can't be alive, you'd have to be a… :'''Pain and Panic''': A god? :''[Hercules brightly glows as he must have conquered Death, the Underworld's river and Fate itself, regained his godhood by sacrificing himself to save the woman he loves. Hades suffers an anguishing breakdown as he pulls his flaming hair as if he couldn't believe it himself]'' :'''Hades''': Hercules, stop! You can’t do this to me! You can’t- ''[Hercules hits him in the face]'' Fine. Okay. Listen. Ha! Okay. Well, I deserved that. Herc, Herc, Herc. Can we talk? You're dad; he's the fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him, and he'd kinda... blow this whole thing off, you know? Meg. Meg, talk to him. Have a little smoochze, and... ''[Hercules punches him into the river of death] '''<big>GAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!</big>''' [souls go to grab him]'' Get away from me! Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! :'''Panic''': He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there! :'''Pain''': You mean, ''if'' he gets outta there! :'''Hades''': Taxi! '''TAXI!!!''' :'''Panic''': If. If is good. :'''Hades''': ''[latest words before his disappeared, as the souls pull him down into the abyss]'' I don't feel so good! I—I'm feeling a little... '''''<big>FLUUUUUUUUUUSHED!</big>''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At outside, Hercules brings the soul of Meg and puts it inside her body]'' :'''Meg''': Wonderboy, what-- why did you— :'''Hercules''': Huh. People always do crazy things when they are in love. :''[they go for a kiss, but suddenly a cloud appears under their feet, sent by Zeus, and they fly to Olympus]'' :'''Phil''': Whoa! Hey, hey, hey! Whoo! ''[Pegasus picks him up and brings along]'' :''[The crowd of gods welcome Hercules]'' :'''Apollo''': Three cheers for the mighty Hercules! :'''Hermes''': Oh, yeah! Flowers for everybody! Oh! :'''Hera''': Hercules, we're so proud of you. :'''Hercules''': Mother. :'''Zeus''': Hah! Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero. :'''Hera''': You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman. :'''Zeus''': For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart. Now, at last, my son, you can come home. :'''Meg''': Congratulations, Wonderboy. You'll make one heck of a god. :'''Hercules''': Father, this is the moment I've always dreamed of. But... a life without Meg, even an immortal life, would be... empty. I wish to stay on Earth with her. I finally know where I belong. :''[Zeus nods, they finally kiss and Hercules stops shining]'' :'''Hermes''': Hit it, ladies! :''[begin Song: A Star Is Born]'' :'''Muses''': Oh, gonna shout it from the mountaintops A star is born! It's the time for pulling out the stops A star is born! Honey, hit us with a hallelu That kid came shining through Girl, sing the song Come blow your horn A star is born! He's a hero who can please the crowd A star is born! Come on, everybody shout out loud A star is born! Just remember in the darkest hour, Within your heart's the power For makin' you A hero too :''[Here the Constellation of Hercules appears]'' :'''Muses''': So don't lose hope When you're forlorn :''[Phil sees the Strong Man pointing at it]'' :'''Tall Thebian''': That's Phil's boy! :'''Muses''': Just keep your eyes Upon the skies Every night, A star is right in sight, A star is burning bright, A star is born A star is born :''[Closing Titles start, song continues]'' :'''Muses''': Like a beacon in the cold dark night / A star is born! / Told ya everything would turn out right / A star is born! / Just when everything was all at sea / The boy made history / The bottom line Bottom line! / He sure can shine He can shine! / His rising sign is Capricorn / He knew how to / He had a clue Telling you / A star is born! :'''Male Chorus''': Here's a hero who can please the crowd :'''Muses''': A star is born! :'''Male Chorus''': Come on, everybody shout out loud :'''Muses''': A star is born! / Just remember in your darkest hour / Within your heart's the power / For making you / A hero too / (A hero too) / So don't lose hope / When you're forlorn / (No, no!) / Just keep your eyes / Upon the skies / Every night, A star is right in sight, A star is burning bright, A star is born! ==MICHAEL BOLTON lyrics (Go the Distance)== :''''I have often dreamed, of a far-off place, where a hero's welcome will be waiting for me.'' :''Where the crowds will cheer, when they see my face, and a voice keeps saying "This is where I'm meant to be...!"'' :''I'll be there someday, I can go the distance, I will find my way, If I can be strong.'' :''I know every mile, will be worth my while.'' :''When I go the distance, I'll be right where I...belong.'''' :''''Down an unknown road, to embrace my fate.'' :''Though the road may wander, it will lead me to you.'' :''And a thousand years would be worth the wait.'' :''It might take a lifetime, but somehow I'll see it through.'''' :''''And I won't look back, I can go the distance.'' :''And I'll stay on track. No, I won't accept defeat.'' :''It's an uphill slope, but I won't lose hope.'' :''Till I go the distance and my journey is...complete.'' :''Oh, Yeah!'' :''But to look beyond the glory is the hardest part, for a hero's strength is measured by his heart...'' :''Like a shooting star, I will go the distance.'' :''I will search the world, I will face its harms.'' :''I don't care how far, I can go the distance.'' :''Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in...'' :''Your arms.'' :''''I will search the world, I will face its harms...'' :'''Till I find my hero's welcome, waiting in...'' :''''Your arms.'' :''[song fades]'' == Taglines== *A Comedy of Epic Proportions *Happy IV of July! *Zero to Hero! *Who puts the GLAD in GLADIATOR? *You can run but you can't Hydra! == Cast == * [[w:Tate Donovan|Tate Donovan]] — Hercules **[[w:Josh Keaton|Josh Keaton]] (young) ***[[w:Roger Bart|Roger Bart]] — (singing voice) * [[w:Danny DeVito|Danny DeVito]] — Phil * [[James Woods]] — Hades * [[w:Susan Egan|Susan Egan]] — Meg * [[Frank Welker]] — Pegasus * [[w:Bobcat Goldthwait|Bobcat Goldthwait]] — Pain * [[w:Matt Frewer|Matt Frewer]] — Panic * [[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] — Zeus * [[w:Samantha Eggar|Samantha Eggar]] — Hera * [[w:Lillias White|Lillias White]] — Calliope * [[w:Vaneese Thomas|Vanéese Y. Thomas]] — Clio * Cheryl Freeman — Melpomene * [[w:LaChanze|LaChanze]] — Terpsichore * [[w:Roz Ryan|Roz Ryan]] — Thalia * [[w:Patrick Pinney|Patrick Pinney]] — Cyclops, Lythos * [[w:Hal Holbrook|Hal Holbrook]] — Ampgitryon * [[w:Barbara Barrie|Barbara Barrie]] — Alcmene * [[w:Amanda Plummer|Amanda Plummer]] — Clotho * [[w:Carole Shelley|Carole Shelley]] — Lachesis * [[w:Paddi Edwards|Paddi Edwards]] — Atropos * [[w:Paul Shaffer|Paul Shaffer]] — Hermes * [[w:Jim Cummings|Jim Cummings]] — Nessus, Tall Theban, Elderly Theban, and Pyros * [[w:Wayne Kinght|Wayne Knight]] — Demetrius * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] — Earthquake Lady, Nymphs, Teenage Girls, and Athena * [[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] — Burnt Man, End-of-the World Man, Tour Bus Guide, and Stratos * [[w:Kathleen Freeman|Kathleen Freeman]] — the Heavyset Woman * [[w:Keith David|Keith David]] — Apollo * [[w:Aaron Michael Metchik|Aaron Michael Metchik]] — Ithicles * [[Charlton Heston]] — Narrator * [[Frank Welker]] — Pegasus == External Links == {{wikipedia|Hercules (1997 film)}} * {{imdb title|id=0119282}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1997 animated films]] [[Category:1990s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:American children's animated action films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American children's animated musical films]] [[Category:Films with gods]] [[Category:Films directed by John Musker]] [[Category:Films directed by Ron Clements]] [[Category:Animated films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Disney Renaissance]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:Films based on classical mythology]] 0b5yy23n9nji5vcahp5slr22bzsaq2o 0 13701 3954229 3953683 2026-06-18T17:41:48Z Azn1771153 3300815 /* Dialogue */ 3954229 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Booths Caesar.jpg|thumb|If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it's that you can kill anyone. — Michael Corleone]] '''''[[w:The Godfather Part II|The Godfather: Part II]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] that portrays the early life and career of [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]], and his son [[w:Michael Corleone|Michael]]’s attempts to expand and tighten his grip on his crime syndicate decades later. :''Directed by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]]. Screenplay by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] and [[w:Mario Puzo|Mario Puzo]].'' == Michael Corleone == * See, all our people are businessmen. Their loyalty's based on that. One thing I learned from Pop was to try to think as people around you think. And on that basis, anything's possible. * I don't feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies. * ''[on the night of the Cuban government's New Year's Eve celebration; just after the countdown, he embraces Fredo and whispers to him ]'' There's a plane waiting to take us to Miami in an hour. I'd like you to think about it. ''[breaks away and suddenly grips Fredo to give him the [[w:Kiss of death (mafia)|kiss of death]]]'' I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. ''[shakes him] You broke my heart!'' == Vito Corleone == * ''[to Signor Roberto threatening to evict an old widow, in Italian]'' Do me this favor. I won't forget it. Ask your friends in the neighborhood about me. They'll tell you I know how to return a favor. * ''[to Don Ciccio, in Sicilian]'' My father's name was Antonio Andolini, and this is for you! ''[stabs him]'' == Don Fanucci == * ''[traps Vito in his car, in Sicilian]'' Young man, I hear you and your friends are stealing goods, but you don't even send a dress to my house. No respect! You know I've got three daughters. This is my neighborhood. You and your friends should show me some respect. You should let me wet my beak a little. I hear you and your friends cleared $600 each. Give me $200 each, for your own protection, and I'll forget the insult. You young punks have to learn to respect a man like me! Otherwise the cops will come to your house and your family will be ruined. Of course, if I’m wrong about how much you stole I’ll take less. And by less, I only mean a hundred bucks less. Now don’t refuse me. Understand, ''paisan''? ''[After Vito hesitates]'' Capisci, paisano? (Understand, friend?) == Hyman Roth == [[File:Havana_-_Havana_Riviera_Hotell_01.jpg|thumb|We're bigger than U.S. Steel.]] * If I could only live to see it, to be there with you. What I wouldn't give for 20 more years! Here we are, protected, free to make our profits without [[w:Estes Kefauver|Kefauver]], the goddamn Justice Department and the F.B.I. 90 miles away, in partnership with a friendly government. Ninety miles! It's nothing! Just one small step, looking for a man who wants to be President of the United States, and having the cash to make it possible. '''Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel. * I'd give four million just to be able to take a piss without it hurting. * I'm going to take a nap. When I wake up, if the money is on the table, I'll know I have a partner. If it isn't, I'll know I don't. * ''[to Michael]'' There was this kid I grew up with; he was younger than me. Sorta looked up to me, you know. We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good. We made the most of it. During Prohibition, we ran molasses into Canada, made a fortune. Your father, too. As much as anyone, I loved him and trusted him. Later on he had an idea to build a city out of a desert stop-over for GI's on the way to the West Coast. That kid's name was Moe Greene, and the city he invented was Las Vegas. This was a great man, a man of vision and guts, and there isn't even a plaque, or a signpost or a statue of him in that town! Someone put a bullet through his eye. No one knows who gave the order. When I heard it, I wasn't angry. I knew Moe. I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go and I said to myself: '''this is the business we've chosen'''. I didn't ''ask'' who gave the order, because it had ''nothing'' to do with business! ==Connie Corleone== * Michael, I hated you for so many years. I think that I did things to myself, to hurt myself so that you'd know - that I could hurt you. You were just being strong for us the way Poppa was, and I forgive you. Can't you forgive Fredo? He's so sweet and helpless without you. You need me, Michael. I wanna take care of you now. ==Pat Geary== [[File:Rotten apple under the tree.jpg|thumb|It would be a shame, Mr. Chairman, if we allowed a few rotten apples to give a bad name to the whole barrel.]] * ''[addressing the Senate committee hearings on the Corleone Family]'' For years now a growing number many of my constituents have been of Italian descent. I've come to know them well. They have honored me with their support and with their friendship. I can proudly say that some of my very best friends are [[W:Italian-Americans|Italian-Americans]]. However, Mr. Chairman, at this time unfortunately, I have to leave these proceedings in order to preside over a very important meeting of my own committee. But before I leave, I do want to say this, that these hearings on the Mafia are in no way whatsoever a slur upon the great Italian people because I can state from my own knowledge and experience that Italian-Americans are among the most loyal, most law-abiding, patriotic, hard-working American citizens in this land. And '''It would be a shame, Mr. Chairman, if we allowed a few rotten apples to give a bad name to the whole barrel'''. Because from the time of the Great [[Christopher Columbus]] to the time of [[Enrico Fermi]] right up to the present day, Italian-Americans have been pioneers in building and defending our nation. They are the salt of the earth, and one of the backbones of this country... == Dialogue == [[File:Al Pacino with James Caan (cropped).jpg|thumb|Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.]] [[File:Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone (high quality).png|thumb|'Godfather' was a term that was used by his friends, out of affection, out of respect.]] :'''Signora Andolini''': ''[in Sicilian]'' All my respect, Don Ciccio. You killed my husband because he wouldn't give in to you. And his oldest son Paolo because he swore revenge. But Vito is only nine. And dumb-witted. He never speaks. :'''Don Ciccio''': It's not his words I'm afraid of. :'''Andolini''': He's weak. He couldn't hurt anyone. :'''Ciccio''': But when he grows, he'll grow strong. :'''Andolini''': Don't worry. This little boy can't do a thing to you. :'''Ciccio''': When he's a man, he'll come for revenge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Port officer''': What is your name? :[''Vito still silent''] :'''Port officer''': Come on, son. What is your name? :'''Interpreter''': ''[in Italian]'' ''Vous nome?'' [''Reading Vito's Identity card''] Vito Andolini from Corleone. :'''Port officer''': Corleone, Vito Corleone. Okay. Over there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clemenza''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Ehi Vito! Ma tu si sicuru ca iddu rici di sì? (Hey Vito! Are you sure he will say yes?) :'''Vito''': ''[in Sicilian and English]'' Nun ti scantari (Do not worry): [[The Godfather|I make him an offer he don't refuse.]] Don't worry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Senator Geary''': The Corleone family has done very well here in Nevada. You own, or you control, two major hotels in Vegas, one in Reno. The licenses were grandfathered in so there was no problem with the Gaming Commission. Now, my sources tell me that you plan to make a move against the Tropigala. They tell me that within a week you're gonna move Klingman out. That's quite an expansion. However, it will leave you with one little technical problem. The license will still be in Klingman's name. :'''Michael''': Turnbull is a good man. :'''Geary''': Well, let's cut out the bullshit. I don't want to spend any more time here than I have to. You can have the license. The price is $250,000 plus a monthly payment of five percent of the gross of all four hotels, Mr. "Cor-lee-oh-nay." :'''Michael''': Now, the price for the license is less than $20,000. Am I right? :'''Geary''': That's right. :'''Michael''': Now, why would I ever consider paying more than that? :'''Geary''': Because I intend to squeeze you. I don't like your kind of people. I don't like to see you come out to this clean country with your oily hair, dressed up in those silk suits, trying to pass yourselves off as decent Americans. I'll do business with you, but the fact is that I despise your masquerade, the dishonest way you pose yourself — yourself and your whole fucking family. :'''Michael''': Senator, we're both part of the same hypocrisy, but never think it applies to my family. :'''Geary''': Okay, some people need to play little games. You play yours. But I want your answer and the money by noon tomorrow. And one more thing: don't you contact me again, ever. From now on, you deal with Turnbull. :'''Michael''': Senator? You can have my answer now, if you like. My final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': I have business that's important with Hyman Roth. I don't want it disturbed. :'''Frank''': Then you give your loyalty to a Jew before your own blood. :'''Michael''': You know my father did business with Hyman Roth. He respected him. :'''Frank''': Your father did business with Hyman Roth. Your father respected Hyman Roth, but your father never trusted Hyman Roth, or his Sicilian messenger boy Johnny Ola! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fredo''': Sometimes I think I should have married a woman like you did, like Kay — have kids, have a family, for once in my life be more like Pop. :'''Michael''': It's not easy to be his son, Fredo. It's not easy. :'''Fredo''': Mama used to tease me. She’d say, "You don't belong to me. The Gypsies left you on the doorstep." Sometimes I think it’s true. :'''Michael''': You’re no Gypsy, Fredo. :'''Fredo''': Mikey, I was mad at you! Why couldn’t we spend time like this before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roth''': I heard you had some trouble. Stupid, people behaving like that with guns. The important thing is you're all right. Good health is the most important thing, more than success, more than money, more than power. :'''Michael''': I came here because there's gonna be more bloodshed. I want you to know about it before it happens so that there's no danger of starting another war. :'''Roth''': Nobody wants another war. :'''Michael''': Frank Pentangeli came to my home, and he asked my permission to get rid of the Rosato brothers. When I refused, he tried to have me killed. He was stupid; I was lucky. I'll visit him soon. The important thing is that nothing interfere with our plans for the future, yours and mine. :'''Roth''': Nothing is more important. You're a wise and considerate young man. :'''Michael''': And you're a great man, Mr. Roth. There's much I can learn from you. :'''Roth''': Whatever I can do to help, Michael. You're young. I'm old and sick. What we will do together in the next few months will make history, Michael, history. It's never been done before. Not even your father would dream that such a thing could be possible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while travelling the streets of Havana, Cuba, in late 1958]'' :'''Michael Corleone''': I saw an interesting thing today. A rebel was being arrested, and rather than be taken alive, he pulled the pin on a grenade he had hidden in his jacket. He killed himself and the captain of the command. :'''Guest''': Ah, the rebels are lunatics! :'''Michael''': Maybe. But it occurred to me, the soldiers are paid to fight. The rebels aren't. :'''Hyman Roth''': What does that tell you? :'''Michael''': They can win. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael visits Frank Pentangeli at the Corleones' old estate house]'' :'''Michael''': You heard what happened in my home? :'''Frank''': Mike, I almost died myself. We was all so relieved. :'''Michael''': ''[shouting]'' ''In my home! In my bedroom, where my wife sleeps! Where my children come and play with their toys!'' In my home. I want you to help me take my revenge. :'''Frank''': Michael, anything. What can I do? :'''Michael''': Settle these troubles with the Rosato brothers. :'''Frank''': Mike, I don't understand! I don't— Look, I don't have your brain for big deals, but this is a street thing. That Hyman Roth in Miami, that — he's backing up those son-of-a-bitches. :'''Michael''': I know he is. :'''Frank''': Then why? Why do you ask me to lay down to them, Mike? :'''Michael''': It was Hyman Roth that tried to have me killed. I know it was him. :'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Mike! Jesus Christ! Look, let's get them all. Let's hit them all, now while we got the muscle. :'''Michael''': My father taught me many things here. He taught me in this room. He taught me: '''keep your friends close but your enemies closer.''' Now if Hyman Roth sees that I interceded in this thing, in the Rosato Brothers' favor, he's going to think his relationship with me is still good. That's what I want him to think. I want him completely relaxed and confident in our friendship. Then I'll be able to find out who the traitor in my family was. :* ''Note: the bolded portion is ranked #58 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema''. That portion has often been attributed to [[Sun Tzu]] and sometimes to [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], but there are no published sources yet found which predate its use in this film. There is, however, an Italian proverb that follows closely: "Dagli amici mi guardi Iddio, che dai nemici mi guardo io!" – May God protect me from my friends, I protect myself from my enemies. [[Voltaire]] said, "God protect me from my friends, I'll take care of my enemies”. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Tell me something, Ma. What did Papa think, deep in his heart? He was being strong, strong for his family. But by being strong for his family, could he lose it? :'''Mama Carmela''': You’re thinking about your wife, about the baby you lost. But you and your wife can always have another baby. :'''Michael''': No, I meant, lose his ''family''. :'''Mama Carmela''': But you can never lose your family. :'''Michael''': ''[nods]'' Times are changing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Questadt''': Are you the son of Vito Corleone? :'''Michael''': Yes, I am. :'''Questadt''': Where was he born? :'''Michael''': Corleone, Sicily. :'''Questadt''': Is it, at a time, he has an alias that known to certain circle as 'Godfather'? :'''Michael''': 'Godfather' was a term that was used by his friends, out of affection, out of respect. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the Lake Tahoe house, Michael demands answers from Fredo]'' :'''Fredo''': I haven't got a lot to say, Mike. :'''Michael''': We have time. :'''Fredo''': I was kept pretty much in the dark. I didn't know all that much. :'''Michael''': What about now? Is there anything you can help me out with? Anything you can tell me now? :'''Fredo''': They've got Pentangeli, that's all I can tell you. I didn't know it was gonna be a hit, Mike. I swear to God I didn't know it was gonna be a hit! Johnny Ola bumped into me in Beverly Hills. He said that he wanted to talk. He said that you and Roth were in on a big deal together, and that there was something in it for me if I could help them out. He said you were being tough in the negotiations, but if they could get a little help and close the deal fast, it’d be good for the family. :'''Michael''': And you believed that story? You believed that? :'''Fredo''': He said there was something in it for me, on my own! :'''Michael''': I've always taken care of you, Fredo. :'''Fredo''': Taken care of me? You're my kid brother, and you take care of me!? Did you ever think about that? Huh? Did you ever ''once'' think about that? "Send Fredo off to do this! Send Fredo off to do that! Let Fredo take care of some Mickey Mouse nightclub somewhere! Send Fredo to pick somebody up at the airport!" ''[furiously points to himself]'' I'm your older brother, Mike, and I was stepped over! :'''Michael''': It was the way Pop wanted it. :'''Fredo''': ''It ain't the way '''I''' wanted it! I can handle things, I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb— I'm smart, and I want respect!'' :'''Michael''': Is there anything you can tell me about this investigation? Anything more? :'''Fredo''': ''[slumps back, dejected]'' The Senate lawyer, Questadt... He belongs to Roth. :'''Michael''': Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother. You're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels. I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance so I won't be there. You understand? :''[walks out]'' :'''Fredo''': Mikey... :'''Michael''': ''[to Neri]'' I don’t want anything to happen to him while my mother is alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': What do you want from me? Do you expect me to let you go? Do you expect me to let you take my children from me? Don't you know me? Don't you know that that's an impossibility, that that could never happen, that I'd use all my power to keep something like that from happening? Don't you know that? Kay, now in time, you'll feel differently. You'll be glad I stopped you now. I know that. I know you blame me for losing the baby. Yes, I know what that meant to you. I'll make it up to you, Kay. I swear I'll make it up to you. I'm gonna change. I'll change. I've learned that I have the strength to change. And you'll forget about this miscarriage. And we'll have another child. And we'll go on, you and I. We'll go on. :'''Kay''': Oh, Michael. Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael! Just like our marriage is an abortion, something that's unholy and evil. I didn't want your son, Michael! I wouldn't bring another one of you sons into this world! It was an abortion, Michael! It was a son, Michael! A son! And I had it killed because this must all end! I know now that it's over. I knew it then. There would be no way, Michael, no way you could ever forgive me, not with this Sicilian thing that's been going on for 2,000 years! '' :'''Michael''': BITCH! ''[Hits Kay, knocking her down.]'' You won’t take my children. :'''Kay''': Yes, I will! :'''Michael''': '''YOU WON’T TAKE MY CHILDREN!!!''' :'''Kay''': They’re my children, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[discussing how to kill Hyman Roth]'' :'''Michael''': Tom, sit down. :''[Tom sits down. Michael asks him something in Italian. Tom responds in Italian.]'' :'''Michael''': Our friend and business partner Hyman Roth is in the news. ''[hands Tom a paper]'' You hear about it? :'''Tom''': Well, I hear that he's in Israel. :'''Neri''': Um-uh. The high court in Israel turned down his request to live there as a return Jew. His passport's been invalidated except for return to the United States. He landed in Buenos Aries yesterday. He offered a gift of a million dollars if they let him stay. They turned him down. :'''Tom''': He's gonna try Panama. :'''Michael''': Panama won't take him. Not for a million, not for ten million. :'''Tom''': His medical condition's reported as terminal. He's only gonna live another six months anyway. :'''Michael''': He's been dying of the same heart attack for twenty years. :'''Tom''': That plane goes to Miami. :'''Michael''': That's where I want it met. :'''Tom''': Mike, that's impossible. They'll turn him over to the Internal Revenue, customs, and half the FBI. :'''Michael''': It's not impossible. Nothing's impossible. :'''Tom''': It would be like trying to kill the President. There's no ''way'' we can get to him. :'''Michael''': Tom, you know you surprise me. '''If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it's that you can kill anyone.''' Rocco? :'''Rocco''': Difficult, not impossible. :'''Tom''': Why did you ask me if something was wrong when I came in? :'''Michael''': I thought you were goin' to tell me that you were going to move your family to Vegas, and that you'd been offered the vice-presidency of the house and hotels there. I thought you were goin' to tell me that. :'''Tom''': I turned them down. Do I have to tell you about every offer I turn down? :'''Michael''': Let's do business. :'''Tom''': Alright... ''[puts on his glasses]'' Just consider this, Mike. That's all, just consider it. Now Roth and the Rosatos are on the run, are they worth it? And are they strong, is it worth it? I mean you've ''won''. Do you have to wipe everyone out? :'''Michael''': I don't feel I have to wipe everyone out, Tom... just my enemies, that's all. You gonna come along with me in these things I have to do, or what? Because if not, you can take your wife, your family, and your mistress... and move 'em all to Las Vegas. :'''Tom''': ''[in disbelief]'' Why do you hurt me, Michael? I've always been loyal to you. I mean what is this. :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian]'' So, you're staying? :'''Tom''': ''[in Sicilian, dejected]'' Yes, I'm staying. ''[in English]'' Now what is it that you want me to do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom visits Frank Pentangeli]'' :'''Tom''': When a plot against the emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes. Right? :'''Frank''': Yeah, but only the rich guys, Tom. The little guys got knocked off and all their estates went to the emperors — unless they went home and killed themselves. Then nothing happened, and the families — the families were taken care of. :'''Tom''': That was a good break. A nice deal. :'''Frank''': Yeah. They went home and sat in a hot bath, opened up their veins and bled to death, and sometimes they had a little party before they did it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback to Vito's birthday on [[w:Attack on Pearl Harbor|December 7, 1941]]]'' :'''Sonny''': Ah, say, what do you think of the nerve of those Japs? Them slanty-eyed bastards, huh? Dropping bombs in our backyard, and on Pop's birthday, you know. :'''Fredo''': Now, they didn't know it was Pop's birthday. :'''Sonny''': "They didn't know it was Pop's birthday." :'''Tom''': We should have expected it after the oil embargo. :'''Sonny''': What do you mean, expected it? Expect it or not, they have no right dropping bombs. What are you, a Jap lover or something? Are you on their side? :'''Tessio''': I understand thirty thousand men enlisted this morning. :'''Sonny''': A bunch of saps. :'''Michael''': Why are they saps? :'''Connie''': Sonny, come on, we don't have to talk about the war. :'''Sonny''': ''[to Connie]'' Hey, beat it. You go talk to Carlo, alright? ''[to Michael]'' They're saps, because they risk their lives for strangers. :'''Michael''': Now that's Pop talking. :'''Sonny''': You're goddamn right that's Pop talking. :'''Michael''': They risk— they risk their lives for their country. :'''Sonny''': Your country ain't your blood. You remember that. :'''Michael''': I don't feel that way. :'''Sonny''': "I don't feel that way." Well, if you don't feel that way, why don't you just quit college and go to-- go to join the Army? :'''Michael''': I did. I enlisted in the Marines. :'''Tom''': ''[after a silence]'' Michael, why? Why didn't you come to us? I mean Pop had to pull a lot of strings to get you a deferment. :'''Michael''': I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for a deferment and I didn't want it. :''[Sonny punches Michael and begins to get into a fight]'' :'''Sonny''': What's wrong— :'''Tom''': Come on. Come on! Knock it off! :'''Tessio''': Sonny! :'''Sonny''': Punk! :'''Tessio''': Sonny. Sonny, sit down. :'''Sonny''': Go on. :'''Tessio''': Sit down. :'''One of Sonny's twins''': Mommy, Daddy's fighting again! ''[laughs]'' :'''Sonny''': ''[to Connie]'' Go show Carlo the tree. :'''One of Sonny's twins''': Uncle Michael, Mama. :'''Sonny''': Nice. Real nice. Break your father's heart on his birthday. :'''Fredo''': That's swell. Congratulations. ''[extends his hand to Michael]'' :'''Sonny''': ''[pushing Fredo's hand aside]'' Yeah, go on. Encourage him. I want— I want you to get me a drink. Go on. ''[Fredo exits]'' :'''Tom''': Now you don't understand but, uh, your father has big plans for you. Now, many times he and I have talked about your future. :'''Michael''': You talked to my father about my future? My future? :'''Tom''': Mikey, he has high hopes for you! :'''Michael''': Well, I have my own plans for my future. :'''Sonny''': What'd you go to college to get stupid? You're really stupid. :'''Connie''': ''[returning]'' He's here! Come on! :'''Sonny''': Come on. Come on. ''[goes to exit before glancing back to Michael]'' Stupid. :''[All exit while Michael sits at he table alone]'' == Cast == * [[Al Pacino]] - [[w:Michael Corleone|Michael Corleone]] * [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] - [[w:Tom Hagen|Tom Hagen]] * [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] - [[w:Kay Adams-Corleone|Kay Adams-Corleone]] * [[Robert De Niro]] - [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]] * [[w:John Cazale|John Cazale]] - [[w:Fredo Corleone|Fredo Corleone]] * [[w:Talia Shire|Talia Shire]] - [[w:Connie Corleone|Connie Corleone]] * [[w:Lee Strasberg|Lee Strasberg]] - [[w:Hyman Roth|Hyman Roth]] * [[w:Michael V. Gazzo|Michael V. Gazzo]] - [[w:Frank Pentangeli|Frankie Pentangeli]] * [[w:G.D. Spradlin|G.D. Spradlin]] - [[w:Pat Geary|Sen. Pat Geary]] * [[w:Richard Bright (actor)|Richard Bright]] - [[w:Al Neri|Al Neri]] * [[w:Gastone Moschin|Gastone Moschin]] - [[w:Don Fanucci|Don Fanucci]] * [[w:Tom Rosqui|Tom Rosqui]] - [[w:Rocco Lampone|Rocco Lampone]] * [[w:Bruno Kirby|Bruno Kirby]] - [[w:Peter Clemenza|Young Clemenza]] * [[w:Frank Sivero|Frank Sivero]] - [[w:Genco Abbandando|Genco Abbandando]] * [[w:Dominic Chianese|Dominic Chianese]] - Johnny Ola * [[w:Troy Donahue|Troy Donahue]] - Merle Johnson * [[w:James Caan|James Caan]] - [[w:Sonny Corleone|Santino 'Sonny' Corleone]] * [[w:Abe Vigoda|Abe Vigoda]] - [[w:Salvatore Tessio|Sal Tessio]] * Giuseppe Sillato - Don Francesco Ciccio * Mario Cotone - [[w:Don Tommasino|Don Tommasino]] * [[w:Carmine Caridi|Carmine Caridi]] - Carmine Rosato * [[w:Danny Aiello|Danny Aiello]] - Tony Rosato == See also == * ''[[The Godfather]]'' * ''[[The Godfather Part III]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|The Godfather Part II}} * {{imdb title|id=0071562|title=The Godfather Part II}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=godfather_part_ii|title=The Godfather Part II}} * {{Amg movie|id=20078|title=The Godfather Part II}} * {{metacritic film|id=the-godfather-part-ii|title=The Godfather Part II}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Godfather Part II, The}} [[Category:1974 films]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Crime drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Mafia films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films whose writers won Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films set in Cuba]] [[Category:Films set in Las Vegas]] [[Category:Films set in Miami]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Films directed by Francis Ford Coppola]] [[Category:Films about abortion]] [[Category:Films about brothers]] [[Category:Films about divorce]] [[Category:Films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Films about families]] [[Category:1970s English-language films]] g3z097okvayev0lbszh795nud34jc72 3954232 3954229 2026-06-18T17:46:47Z Azn1771153 3300815 /* Dialogue */ 3954232 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Booths Caesar.jpg|thumb|If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it's that you can kill anyone. — Michael Corleone]] '''''[[w:The Godfather Part II|The Godfather: Part II]]''''' is a [[w:1974 in film|1974 film]] that portrays the early life and career of [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]], and his son [[w:Michael Corleone|Michael]]’s attempts to expand and tighten his grip on his crime syndicate decades later. :''Directed by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]]. Screenplay by [[w:Francis Ford Coppola|Francis Ford Coppola]] and [[w:Mario Puzo|Mario Puzo]].'' == Michael Corleone == * See, all our people are businessmen. Their loyalty's based on that. One thing I learned from Pop was to try to think as people around you think. And on that basis, anything's possible. * I don't feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies. * ''[on the night of the Cuban government's New Year's Eve celebration; just after the countdown, he embraces Fredo and whispers to him ]'' There's a plane waiting to take us to Miami in an hour. I'd like you to think about it. ''[breaks away and suddenly grips Fredo to give him the [[w:Kiss of death (mafia)|kiss of death]]]'' I know it was you, Fredo. You broke my heart. ''[shakes him] You broke my heart!'' == Vito Corleone == * ''[to Signor Roberto threatening to evict an old widow, in Italian]'' Do me this favor. I won't forget it. Ask your friends in the neighborhood about me. They'll tell you I know how to return a favor. * ''[to Don Ciccio, in Sicilian]'' My father's name was Antonio Andolini, and this is for you! ''[stabs him]'' == Don Fanucci == * ''[traps Vito in his car, in Sicilian]'' Young man, I hear you and your friends are stealing goods, but you don't even send a dress to my house. No respect! You know I've got three daughters. This is my neighborhood. You and your friends should show me some respect. You should let me wet my beak a little. I hear you and your friends cleared $600 each. Give me $200 each, for your own protection, and I'll forget the insult. You young punks have to learn to respect a man like me! Otherwise the cops will come to your house and your family will be ruined. Of course, if I’m wrong about how much you stole I’ll take less. And by less, I only mean a hundred bucks less. Now don’t refuse me. Understand, ''paisan''? ''[After Vito hesitates]'' Capisci, paisano? (Understand, friend?) == Hyman Roth == [[File:Havana_-_Havana_Riviera_Hotell_01.jpg|thumb|We're bigger than U.S. Steel.]] * If I could only live to see it, to be there with you. What I wouldn't give for 20 more years! Here we are, protected, free to make our profits without [[w:Estes Kefauver|Kefauver]], the goddamn Justice Department and the F.B.I. 90 miles away, in partnership with a friendly government. Ninety miles! It's nothing! Just one small step, looking for a man who wants to be President of the United States, and having the cash to make it possible. '''Michael, we're bigger than U.S. Steel. * I'd give four million just to be able to take a piss without it hurting. * I'm going to take a nap. When I wake up, if the money is on the table, I'll know I have a partner. If it isn't, I'll know I don't. * ''[to Michael]'' There was this kid I grew up with; he was younger than me. Sorta looked up to me, you know. We did our first work together, worked our way out of the street. Things were good. We made the most of it. During Prohibition, we ran molasses into Canada, made a fortune. Your father, too. As much as anyone, I loved him and trusted him. Later on he had an idea to build a city out of a desert stop-over for GI's on the way to the West Coast. That kid's name was Moe Greene, and the city he invented was Las Vegas. This was a great man, a man of vision and guts, and there isn't even a plaque, or a signpost or a statue of him in that town! Someone put a bullet through his eye. No one knows who gave the order. When I heard it, I wasn't angry. I knew Moe. I knew he was head-strong, talking loud, saying stupid things. So when he turned up dead, I let it go and I said to myself: '''this is the business we've chosen'''. I didn't ''ask'' who gave the order, because it had ''nothing'' to do with business! ==Connie Corleone== * Michael, I hated you for so many years. I think that I did things to myself, to hurt myself so that you'd know - that I could hurt you. You were just being strong for us the way Poppa was, and I forgive you. Can't you forgive Fredo? He's so sweet and helpless without you. You need me, Michael. I wanna take care of you now. ==Pat Geary== [[File:Rotten apple under the tree.jpg|thumb|It would be a shame, Mr. Chairman, if we allowed a few rotten apples to give a bad name to the whole barrel.]] * ''[addressing the Senate committee hearings on the Corleone Family]'' For years now a growing number many of my constituents have been of Italian descent. I've come to know them well. They have honored me with their support and with their friendship. I can proudly say that some of my very best friends are [[W:Italian-Americans|Italian-Americans]]. However, Mr. Chairman, at this time unfortunately, I have to leave these proceedings in order to preside over a very important meeting of my own committee. But before I leave, I do want to say this, that these hearings on the Mafia are in no way whatsoever a slur upon the great Italian people because I can state from my own knowledge and experience that Italian-Americans are among the most loyal, most law-abiding, patriotic, hard-working American citizens in this land. And '''It would be a shame, Mr. Chairman, if we allowed a few rotten apples to give a bad name to the whole barrel'''. Because from the time of the Great [[Christopher Columbus]] to the time of [[Enrico Fermi]] right up to the present day, Italian-Americans have been pioneers in building and defending our nation. They are the salt of the earth, and one of the backbones of this country... == Dialogue == [[File:Al Pacino with James Caan (cropped).jpg|thumb|Keep your friends close but your enemies closer.]] [[File:Marlon Brando as Vito Corleone (high quality).png|thumb|'Godfather' was a term that was used by his friends, out of affection, out of respect.]] :'''Signora Andolini''': ''[in Sicilian]'' All my respect, Don Ciccio. You killed my husband because he wouldn't give in to you. And his oldest son Paolo because he swore revenge. But Vito is only nine. And dumb-witted. He never speaks. :'''Don Ciccio''': It's not his words I'm afraid of. :'''Andolini''': He's weak. He couldn't hurt anyone. :'''Ciccio''': But when he grows, he'll grow strong. :'''Andolini''': Don't worry. This little boy can't do a thing to you. :'''Ciccio''': When he's a man, he'll come for revenge. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Port officer''': What is your name? :[''Vito still silent''] :'''Port officer''': Come on, son. What is your name? :'''Interpreter''': ''[in Italian]'' ''Vous nome?'' [''Reading Vito's Identity card''] Vito Andolini from Corleone. :'''Port officer''': Corleone, Vito Corleone. Okay. Over there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Clemenza''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Ehi Vito! Ma tu si sicuru ca iddu rici di sì? (Hey Vito! Are you sure he will say yes?) :'''Vito''': ''[in Sicilian and English]'' Nun ti scantari (Do not worry): [[The Godfather|I make him an offer he don't refuse.]] Don't worry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Senator Geary''': The Corleone family has done very well here in Nevada. You own, or you control, two major hotels in Vegas, one in Reno. The licenses were grandfathered in so there was no problem with the Gaming Commission. Now, my sources tell me that you plan to make a move against the Tropigala. They tell me that within a week you're gonna move Klingman out. That's quite an expansion. However, it will leave you with one little technical problem. The license will still be in Klingman's name. :'''Michael''': Turnbull is a good man. :'''Geary''': Well, let's cut out the bullshit. I don't want to spend any more time here than I have to. You can have the license. The price is $250,000 plus a monthly payment of five percent of the gross of all four hotels, Mr. "Cor-lee-oh-nay." :'''Michael''': Now, the price for the license is less than $20,000. Am I right? :'''Geary''': That's right. :'''Michael''': Now, why would I ever consider paying more than that? :'''Geary''': Because I intend to squeeze you. I don't like your kind of people. I don't like to see you come out to this clean country with your oily hair, dressed up in those silk suits, trying to pass yourselves off as decent Americans. I'll do business with you, but the fact is that I despise your masquerade, the dishonest way you pose yourself — yourself and your whole fucking family. :'''Michael''': Senator, we're both part of the same hypocrisy, but never think it applies to my family. :'''Geary''': Okay, some people need to play little games. You play yours. But I want your answer and the money by noon tomorrow. And one more thing: don't you contact me again, ever. From now on, you deal with Turnbull. :'''Michael''': Senator? You can have my answer now, if you like. My final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the gaming license, which I would appreciate if you would put up personally. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': I have business that's important with Hyman Roth. I don't want it disturbed. :'''Frank''': Then you give your loyalty to a Jew before your own blood. :'''Michael''': You know my father did business with Hyman Roth. He respected him. :'''Frank''': Your father did business with Hyman Roth. Your father respected Hyman Roth, but your father never trusted Hyman Roth, or his Sicilian messenger boy Johnny Ola! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fredo''': Sometimes I think I should have married a woman like you did, like Kay — have kids, have a family, for once in my life be more like Pop. :'''Michael''': It's not easy to be his son, Fredo. It's not easy. :'''Fredo''': Mama used to tease me. She’d say, "You don't belong to me. The Gypsies left you on the doorstep." Sometimes I think it’s true. :'''Michael''': You’re no Gypsy, Fredo. :'''Fredo''': Mikey, I was mad at you! Why couldn’t we spend time like this before? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Roth''': I heard you had some trouble. Stupid, people behaving like that with guns. The important thing is you're all right. Good health is the most important thing, more than success, more than money, more than power. :'''Michael''': I came here because there's gonna be more bloodshed. I want you to know about it before it happens so that there's no danger of starting another war. :'''Roth''': Nobody wants another war. :'''Michael''': Frank Pentangeli came to my home, and he asked my permission to get rid of the Rosato brothers. When I refused, he tried to have me killed. He was stupid; I was lucky. I'll visit him soon. The important thing is that nothing interfere with our plans for the future, yours and mine. :'''Roth''': Nothing is more important. You're a wise and considerate young man. :'''Michael''': And you're a great man, Mr. Roth. There's much I can learn from you. :'''Roth''': Whatever I can do to help, Michael. You're young. I'm old and sick. What we will do together in the next few months will make history, Michael, history. It's never been done before. Not even your father would dream that such a thing could be possible. <hr width="50%"/> :''[while travelling the streets of Havana, Cuba, in late 1958]'' :'''Michael Corleone''': I saw an interesting thing today. A rebel was being arrested, and rather than be taken alive, he pulled the pin on a grenade he had hidden in his jacket. He killed himself and the captain of the command. :'''Guest''': Ah, the rebels are lunatics! :'''Michael''': Maybe. But it occurred to me, the soldiers are paid to fight. The rebels aren't. :'''Hyman Roth''': What does that tell you? :'''Michael''': They can win. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Michael visits Frank Pentangeli at the Corleones' old estate house]'' :'''Michael''': You heard what happened in my home? :'''Frank''': Mike, I almost died myself. We was all so relieved. :'''Michael''': ''[shouting]'' ''In my home! In my bedroom, where my wife sleeps! Where my children come and play with their toys!'' In my home. I want you to help me take my revenge. :'''Frank''': Michael, anything. What can I do? :'''Michael''': Settle these troubles with the Rosato brothers. :'''Frank''': Mike, I don't understand! I don't— Look, I don't have your brain for big deals, but this is a street thing. That Hyman Roth in Miami, that — he's backing up those son-of-a-bitches. :'''Michael''': I know he is. :'''Frank''': Then why? Why do you ask me to lay down to them, Mike? :'''Michael''': It was Hyman Roth that tried to have me killed. I know it was him. :'''Frank''': Jesus Christ, Mike! Jesus Christ! Look, let's get them all. Let's hit them all, now while we got the muscle. :'''Michael''': My father taught me many things here. He taught me in this room. He taught me: '''keep your friends close but your enemies closer.''' Now if Hyman Roth sees that I interceded in this thing, in the Rosato Brothers' favor, he's going to think his relationship with me is still good. That's what I want him to think. I want him completely relaxed and confident in our friendship. Then I'll be able to find out who the traitor in my family was. :* ''Note: the bolded portion is ranked #58 in the [[w:AFI's 100 Years... 100 Movie Quotes|American Film Institute's list of the top 100 movie quotations]] in American cinema''. That portion has often been attributed to [[Sun Tzu]] and sometimes to [[Niccolò Machiavelli]], but there are no published sources yet found which predate its use in this film. There is, however, an Italian proverb that follows closely: "Dagli amici mi guardi Iddio, che dai nemici mi guardo io!" – May God protect me from my friends, I protect myself from my enemies. [[Voltaire]] said, "God protect me from my friends, I'll take care of my enemies”. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian]'' Tell me something, Ma. What did Papa think, deep in his heart? He was being strong, strong for his family. But by being strong for his family, could he lose it? :'''Mama Carmela''': You’re thinking about your wife, about the baby you lost. But you and your wife can always have another baby. :'''Michael''': No, I meant, lose his ''family''. :'''Mama Carmela''': But you can never lose your family. :'''Michael''': ''[nods]'' Times are changing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Questadt''': Are you the son of Vito Corleone? :'''Michael''': Yes, I am. :'''Questadt''': Where was he born? :'''Michael''': Corleone, Sicily. :'''Questadt''': Is it, at a time, he has an alias that known to certain circle as 'Godfather'? :'''Michael''': 'Godfather' was a term that was used by his friends, out of affection, out of respect. <hr width="50%"/> :''[at the Lake Tahoe house, Michael demands answers from Fredo]'' :'''Fredo''': I haven't got a lot to say, Mike. :'''Michael''': We have time. :'''Fredo''': I was kept pretty much in the dark. I didn't know all that much. :'''Michael''': What about now? Is there anything you can help me out with? Anything you can tell me now? :'''Fredo''': They've got Pentangeli, that's all I can tell you. I didn't know it was gonna be a hit, Mike. I swear to God I didn't know it was gonna be a hit! Johnny Ola bumped into me in Beverly Hills. He said that he wanted to talk. He said that you and Roth were in on a big deal together, and that there was something in it for me if I could help them out. He said you were being tough in the negotiations, but if they could get a little help and close the deal fast, it’d be good for the family. :'''Michael''': And you believed that story? You believed that? :'''Fredo''': He said there was something in it for me, on my own! :'''Michael''': I've always taken care of you, Fredo. :'''Fredo''': Taken care of me? You're my kid brother, and you take care of me!? Did you ever think about that? Huh? Did you ever ''once'' think about that? "Send Fredo off to do this! Send Fredo off to do that! Let Fredo take care of some Mickey Mouse nightclub somewhere! Send Fredo to pick somebody up at the airport!" ''[furiously points to himself]'' I'm your older brother, Mike, and I was stepped over! :'''Michael''': It was the way Pop wanted it. :'''Fredo''': ''It ain't the way '''I''' wanted it! I can handle things, I'm smart! Not like everybody says... like dumb— I'm smart, and I want respect!'' :'''Michael''': Is there anything you can tell me about this investigation? Anything more? :'''Fredo''': ''[slumps back, dejected]'' The Senate lawyer, Questadt... He belongs to Roth. :'''Michael''': Fredo, you're nothing to me now. You're not a brother. You're not a friend. I don't want to know you or what you do. I don't want to see you at the hotels. I don't want you near my house. When you see our mother, I want to know a day in advance so I won't be there. You understand? :''[walks out]'' :'''Fredo''': Mikey... :'''Michael''': ''[to Neri]'' I don’t want anything to happen to him while my mother is alive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Michael''': What do you want from me? Do you expect me to let you go? Do you expect me to let you take my children from me? Don't you know me? Don't you know that that's an impossibility, that that could never happen, that I'd use all my power to keep something like that from happening? Don't you know that? Kay, now in time, you'll feel differently. You'll be glad I stopped you now. I know that. I know you blame me for losing the baby. Yes, I know what that meant to you. I'll make it up to you, Kay. I swear I'll make it up to you. I'm gonna change. I'll change. I've learned that I have the strength to change. And you'll forget about this miscarriage. And we'll have another child. And we'll go on, you and I. We'll go on. :'''Kay''': Oh, Michael. Michael, you are blind. It wasn't a miscarriage. It was an abortion. An abortion, Michael! Just like our marriage is an abortion, something that's unholy and evil. I didn't want your son, Michael! I wouldn't bring another one of you sons into this world! It was an abortion, Michael! It was a son, Michael! A son! And I had it killed because this must all end! I know now that it's over. I knew it then. There would be no way, Michael, no way you could ever forgive me, not with this Sicilian thing that's been going on for 2,000 years! '' :'''Michael''': BITCH! ''[Hits Kay, knocking her down.]'' You won’t take my children. :'''Kay''': Yes, I will! :'''Michael''': '''YOU WON’T TAKE MY CHILDREN!!!''' :'''Kay''': They’re my children, too! <hr width="50%"/> :''[discussing how to kill Hyman Roth]'' :'''Michael''': Tom, sit down. :''[Tom sits down. Michael asks him something in Italian. Tom responds in Italian.]'' :'''Michael''': Our friend and business partner Hyman Roth is in the news. ''[hands Tom a paper]'' You hear about it? :'''Tom''': Well, I hear that he's in Israel. :'''Neri''': Um-uh. The high court in Israel turned down his request to live there as a return Jew. His passport's been invalidated except for return to the United States. He landed in Buenos Aries yesterday. He offered a gift of a million dollars if they let him stay. They turned him down. :'''Tom''': He's gonna try Panama. :'''Michael''': Panama won't take him. Not for a million, not for ten million. :'''Tom''': His medical condition's reported as terminal. He's only gonna live another six months anyway. :'''Michael''': He's been dying of the same heart attack for twenty years. :'''Tom''': That plane goes to Miami. :'''Michael''': That's where I want it met. :'''Tom''': Mike, that's impossible. They'll turn him over to the Internal Revenue, customs, and half the FBI. :'''Michael''': It's not impossible. Nothing's impossible. :'''Tom''': It would be like trying to kill the President. There's no ''way'' we can get to him. :'''Michael''': Tom, you know you surprise me. '''If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything, it's that you can kill anyone.''' Rocco? :'''Rocco''': Difficult, not impossible. :'''Tom''': Why did you ask me if something was wrong when I came in? :'''Michael''': I thought you were goin' to tell me that you were going to move your family to Vegas, and that you'd been offered the vice-presidency of the house and hotels there. I thought you were goin' to tell me that. :'''Tom''': I turned them down. Do I have to tell you about every offer I turn down? :'''Michael''': Let's do business. :'''Tom''': Alright... ''[puts on his glasses]'' Just consider this, Mike. That's all, just consider it. Now Roth and the Rosatos are on the run, are they worth it? And are they strong, is it worth it? I mean you've ''won''. Do you have to wipe everyone out? :'''Michael''': I don't feel I have to wipe everyone out, Tom... just my enemies, that's all. You gonna come along with me in these things I have to do, or what? Because if not, you can take your wife, your family, and your mistress... and move 'em all to Las Vegas. :'''Tom''': ''[in disbelief]'' Why do you hurt me, Michael? I've always been loyal to you. I mean what is this. :'''Michael''': ''[in Sicilian]'' So, you're staying? :'''Tom''': ''[in Sicilian, dejected]'' Yes, I'm staying. ''[in English]'' Now what is it that you want me to do? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Tom visits Frank Pentangeli]'' :'''Tom''': When a plot against the emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes. Right? :'''Frank''': Yeah, but only the rich guys, Tom. The little guys got knocked off and all their estates went to the emperors — unless they went home and killed themselves. Then nothing happened, and the families — the families were taken care of. :'''Tom''': That was a good break. A nice deal. :'''Frank''': Yeah. They went home and sat in a hot bath, opened up their veins and bled to death, and sometimes they had a little party before they did it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fredo''': ''[on the boat with Al Neri]'' [[w:Hail Mary|Hail Mary, full of grace, the lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners...]] <hr width="50%"/> :''[flashback to Vito's birthday on [[w:Attack on Pearl Harbor|December 7, 1941]]]'' :'''Sonny''': Ah, say, what do you think of the nerve of those Japs? Them slanty-eyed bastards, huh? Dropping bombs in our backyard, and on Pop's birthday, you know. :'''Fredo''': Now, they didn't know it was Pop's birthday. :'''Sonny''': "They didn't know it was Pop's birthday." :'''Tom''': We should have expected it after the oil embargo. :'''Sonny''': What do you mean, expected it? Expect it or not, they have no right dropping bombs. What are you, a Jap lover or something? Are you on their side? :'''Tessio''': I understand thirty thousand men enlisted this morning. :'''Sonny''': A bunch of saps. :'''Michael''': Why are they saps? :'''Connie''': Sonny, come on, we don't have to talk about the war. :'''Sonny''': ''[to Connie]'' Hey, beat it. You go talk to Carlo, alright? ''[to Michael]'' They're saps, because they risk their lives for strangers. :'''Michael''': Now that's Pop talking. :'''Sonny''': You're goddamn right that's Pop talking. :'''Michael''': They risk— they risk their lives for their country. :'''Sonny''': Your country ain't your blood. You remember that. :'''Michael''': I don't feel that way. :'''Sonny''': "I don't feel that way." Well, if you don't feel that way, why don't you just quit college and go to-- go to join the Army? :'''Michael''': I did. I enlisted in the Marines. :'''Tom''': ''[after a silence]'' Michael, why? Why didn't you come to us? I mean Pop had to pull a lot of strings to get you a deferment. :'''Michael''': I didn't ask for it. I didn't ask for a deferment and I didn't want it. :''[Sonny punches Michael and begins to get into a fight]'' :'''Sonny''': What's wrong— :'''Tom''': Come on. Come on! Knock it off! :'''Tessio''': Sonny! :'''Sonny''': Punk! :'''Tessio''': Sonny. Sonny, sit down. :'''Sonny''': Go on. :'''Tessio''': Sit down. :'''One of Sonny's twins''': Mommy, Daddy's fighting again! ''[laughs]'' :'''Sonny''': ''[to Connie]'' Go show Carlo the tree. :'''One of Sonny's twins''': Uncle Michael, Mama. :'''Sonny''': Nice. Real nice. Break your father's heart on his birthday. :'''Fredo''': That's swell. Congratulations. ''[extends his hand to Michael]'' :'''Sonny''': ''[pushing Fredo's hand aside]'' Yeah, go on. Encourage him. I want— I want you to get me a drink. Go on. ''[Fredo exits]'' :'''Tom''': Now you don't understand but, uh, your father has big plans for you. Now, many times he and I have talked about your future. :'''Michael''': You talked to my father about my future? My future? :'''Tom''': Mikey, he has high hopes for you! :'''Michael''': Well, I have my own plans for my future. :'''Sonny''': What'd you go to college to get stupid? You're really stupid. :'''Connie''': ''[returning]'' He's here! Come on! :'''Sonny''': Come on. Come on. ''[goes to exit before glancing back to Michael]'' Stupid. :''[All exit while Michael sits at he table alone]'' == Cast == * [[Al Pacino]] - [[w:Michael Corleone|Michael Corleone]] * [[w:Robert Duvall|Robert Duvall]] - [[w:Tom Hagen|Tom Hagen]] * [[w:Diane Keaton|Diane Keaton]] - [[w:Kay Adams-Corleone|Kay Adams-Corleone]] * [[Robert De Niro]] - [[w:Vito Corleone|Vito Corleone]] * [[w:John Cazale|John Cazale]] - [[w:Fredo Corleone|Fredo Corleone]] * [[w:Talia Shire|Talia Shire]] - [[w:Connie Corleone|Connie Corleone]] * [[w:Lee Strasberg|Lee Strasberg]] - [[w:Hyman Roth|Hyman Roth]] * [[w:Michael V. Gazzo|Michael V. Gazzo]] - [[w:Frank Pentangeli|Frankie Pentangeli]] * [[w:G.D. Spradlin|G.D. Spradlin]] - [[w:Pat Geary|Sen. Pat Geary]] * [[w:Richard Bright (actor)|Richard Bright]] - [[w:Al Neri|Al Neri]] * [[w:Gastone Moschin|Gastone Moschin]] - [[w:Don Fanucci|Don Fanucci]] * [[w:Tom Rosqui|Tom Rosqui]] - [[w:Rocco Lampone|Rocco Lampone]] * [[w:Bruno Kirby|Bruno Kirby]] - [[w:Peter Clemenza|Young Clemenza]] * [[w:Frank Sivero|Frank Sivero]] - [[w:Genco Abbandando|Genco Abbandando]] * [[w:Dominic Chianese|Dominic Chianese]] - Johnny Ola * [[w:Troy Donahue|Troy Donahue]] - Merle Johnson * [[w:James Caan|James Caan]] - [[w:Sonny Corleone|Santino 'Sonny' Corleone]] * [[w:Abe Vigoda|Abe Vigoda]] - [[w:Salvatore Tessio|Sal Tessio]] * Giuseppe Sillato - Don Francesco Ciccio * Mario Cotone - [[w:Don Tommasino|Don Tommasino]] * [[w:Carmine Caridi|Carmine Caridi]] - Carmine Rosato * [[w:Danny Aiello|Danny Aiello]] - Tony Rosato == See also == * ''[[The Godfather]]'' * ''[[The Godfather Part III]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia|The Godfather Part II}} * {{imdb title|id=0071562|title=The Godfather Part II}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=godfather_part_ii|title=The Godfather Part II}} * {{Amg movie|id=20078|title=The Godfather Part II}} * {{metacritic film|id=the-godfather-part-ii|title=The Godfather Part II}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Godfather Part II, The}} [[Category:1974 films]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Crime drama films]] [[Category:Epic films]] [[Category:Mafia films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Prequel films]] [[Category:Best Picture Academy Award winners]] [[Category:Films whose writers won Best Adapted Screenplay Academy Award]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Films set in Cuba]] [[Category:Films set in Las Vegas]] [[Category:Films set in Miami]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Films directed by Francis Ford Coppola]] [[Category:Films about abortion]] [[Category:Films about brothers]] [[Category:Films about divorce]] [[Category:Films about father–son relationships]] [[Category:Films about families]] [[Category:1970s English-language films]] 9aj6vsc9ya4meawkp6droydbhlxkbfr 0 13959 3954338 3953483 2026-06-19T00:24:51Z Seussfanlover 3194106 /* Dialogue */ 3954338 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Toy Story 2 logo.svg|thumb|220x220px]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story 2|Toy Story 2]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] produced by [[w:Pixar|Pixar Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as a sequel to ''[[Toy Story]]''. After escaping Sid Phillips' house and moved into Andy's new house, Woody (voiced by [[w:Tom Hanks|Tom Hanks]]) is stolen by a toy collecting man named Al McWhiggin (voiced by [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]]). So Buzz Lightyear (voiced by [[w: Tim Allen|Tim Allen]]) and the gang embark on adventure in Tri-County city for their rescue mission. :''Directed by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]] and [[w:Lee Unkrich|Lee Unkrich]]. Written by [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]], [[w:Peter Docter|Peter Docter]], [[w:Ash Brannon|Ash Brannon]], [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]], [[w:Rita Hsiao|Rita Hsiao]], [[w:Doug Chamberlain|Doug Chamberlain]] and [[w:Chris Webb|Chris Webb]]. {{center|'''The Toys Are Back In Town!''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * ''[repeated line]'' Ride like the wind, Bullseye! * Happy trails, Prospector. == Buzz Lightyear == * Oh no, he's stealing Woody! * Excuse me. Excuse me. A little quite please. Thank you. * Woody once risked his life to save me. I couldn't call myself his friend if I weren't willing to do the same. So, who's with me? * Good job, troops. We're that much closer to Woody. * Am I really that fat? * Nice roping, cowboy! Your hat, partner. == Jessie == * Yee-hah! It's you! It's you! It's you, it's you, it's you! It's really you! == Stinky Pete == * Idiots! Children destroy toys! You'll all be ruined! Forgotten! Spending eternity rotting in some landfill! == Mr. Potato Head == * Okay, fellas, let's roll! * You're not turning me into a mashed potato. * Oh, that went well. * Nice going there, Hamm. So how about having a toy with fingers drive. * I'm a married spud, I'm a married spud. * Quit clowning around and get in the car! * Remind me to glue his helmet shut when we get back. * Prepare to meet ''Mr. Angry Eyes!'' == Slinky Dog == * I may not be a smart dog, but I know what roadkill is. * Whoa! Pork bellies are falling. == Rex == * Don't do it, Woody! We love you! * He can't take Woody! It's illegal! Somebody do something! * You'd think with all my video game experience I'd be feeling more prepared. * Hey, guys, it's not the walls; it's the elevator! == Hamm == * You know, I think that Buzz aisle went to his head. * Uh-oh. Hey, heads up down there! * Have you heard of Kung Fu? Well then, get ready for pork chops! == Bo Peep == * It's not in Molly's room. We've looked everywhere. * Why would someone steal Woody? == Al McWhiggin == * Original hand-painted face. Natural-dyed, blanket-stitched vest! Hmm, a little rip. Fixable. Oh, if only you had your hand-stitched, polyvinyl hat! I found him! I found him, I found him! * I can't believe I have to drive all the way to work on a Saturday. All the way to work! * It's like printing my own money. * Don't touch my mustache! == Andy Davis == * Hey, Woody, ready to go to Cowboy Camp? == Andy's Mom == * I'm sorry, honey, but you know, toys don't last forever. == Mrs. Potato Head == * I'm packing you your extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes, just in case. == Tour Guide Barbie == * I'm Tour Guide Barbie. Please keep your hands, arms, and accessories inside the car and no flash photography. Thank you. == Wheezy == * Bye, Woody. * Bless you, Woody. == Emperor Zurg == * ''[first words as laughs]'' Come to me, my prey. * ''[repeated line]'' So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear, for the last time! * Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear. Destroy Buzz Lightyear. == Others == * '''Aliens''': ''[repeated line]'' You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful. * '''Amy''': Look, Barbie, a big, ugly man doll. Oh, he needs a makeover. * '''Barbie''': Hi! You'll like Amy. She's an artist! == Dialogue == :''[In the video game, Buzz reaches for Zurg's power source, only to find that it is a mirage. Suddenly, it disappears and Zurg emerges out from the center of the stage]'' :'''Zurg''': So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear, for the last time! :'''Buzz''': Not today, Zurg! :''[Both start battling, with Buzz holding a footprint that fell down after he was jumping to each one and fell down. Buzz throws the footprint to Zurg and groans, then Buzz jumps over and Zurg blasts the top half of Buzz's body off, then laughs maniacally. The words "Game Over" then appears.]'' :'''Rex''': ''Oh no!'' '''No!''' '''''No, no, no, no!''''' :'''Buzz''': Oh! You almost had him. :'''Rex''': I'm never gonna defeat Zurg! :'''Buzz''': Sure, you will, Rex. In fact, you're a better Buzz than I am. :'''Rex''': But look at my little arms! I can't press the "fire" button and jump at the same time. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz leaps onto the car, which takes off the track, spins through the loop, and goes off a jump, where Buzz jumps off and lands next to Woody to help him up]'' :'''Buzz''': Woody, are you alright? :'''Woody''': ''[grunts]'' Yeah, yeah, I'm fine, Buzz. Here's your list of things to do while I'm gone: Batteries need to be changed, toys at the bottom of the chest need to be rotated, oh and make sure everyone attends Mr. Spell's seminar on what to do if you or part of you is swallowed. Okay? Okay, good, okay. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you haven't found your hat yet, have you? :'''Woody''': No! And Andy's leaving for Cowboy Camp any minute! And I can't find it anywhere. :'''Buzz''': Don't worry, Woody. In just a few hours, you'll be sittin' around a campfire with Andy, makin' delicious, hot schmoes! :'''Woody''': They're called s'mores, Buzz. :'''Buzz''': Right, right, of course. Has anyone found Woody's hat yet? :'''Sarge''': Keep looking, men! Dig deeper! Negatory! Still searching! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mr. Potato Head''': I found it! :'''Woody''': You found my hat? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Your hat? No. The missus lost her earring. Oh, my little sweet potato! :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': Oh, you found it! Oh, it's so nice to have a big, strong spud around the house. :'''Woody''': Oh, great. That's just great. This will be the first year I'll miss Cowboy Camp, all because of my stupid hat! :'''Bo Peep''': Woody, look under your boot. :'''Woody''': Don't be silly. My hat is not under my boot. :'''Bo Peep''': Will you just look? :'''Woody''': ''[sighs as he lifts his boot]'' You see, no hat; just the word "Andy". :'''Bo Peep''': Uh-huh, and the boy who wrote that will take you to camp with or without your hat. :'''Woody''': I'm sorry, Bo. It's just that... I've been looking forward to this all year. It's my one time with just me and Andy. :'''Bo Peep''': You're cute when you care. :'''Woody''': ''[embarrassedly]'' Bo, not in front of Buzz. :'''Bo Peep''': Let him look. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al''': ''[on TV; first words]'' Hey, kids! This is Al from Al's Toy Barn, and I'm sitting on good deals. Ow! I think I'm feeling a deal hatching right now. Whoa! Let's see what we got. We got boats for a buck. Beanies for a buck... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al''': ''[on TV]'' Buck-buck-buck! And that's cheap-cheap-cheap! So hurry on down... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': I despise that chicken. :'''Slinky''': Fellas! Fellas! I got some good news, and I got some bad news. :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': What news? :'''Slinky''': Good news is I found your hat, Woody. :'''Woody''': My hat! Oh, Slink! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Where'd you find it? :'''Slinky''': Well, that's the bad news. :'''Rex''': Oh, it's Buster! :'''Sarge''': Canine alert! Man your battle stations! Let's move, move, move! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Later, a boy riding a bike throws a newspaper at the house. Woody is asleep when the car pulls up outside the house. He wakes up and sees Andy jumping out and riding on a toy horse]'' :'''Andy''': Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy! Whoo! Yeah, giddy-up! Yeah, giddy-up! :'''Woody''': He's back? Hey, everybody! Andy's back! He's back early from cowboy camp! :''[The toys are playing cards and look up to Woody. Hamm is at the door and hears Andy's footsteps coming closer.]'' :'''Hamm''': Places, everybody! Andy's coming! :''[The toys scatter to their places and Woody freezes as Andy enters the room.]'' :'''Andy''': Yeah! ''[humming The Lone Ranger theme]'' Hey, Woody, did you miss me? Giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up, giddy-up. Ride 'em, cowboy! ''[sees the rip in Woody's arm and frowns]'' Ohh, I forgot. You're broken. I don't wanna play with you anymore. :''[Andy drops Woody and he falls towards the deck of cards on the floor and as he hits them, he keeps falling through the blue area until he goes into a black circle and lands in a trash can. Woody looks around to see lots of broken toy hands and parts beside him.]'' :'''Woody''': ''[gasps]'' No. Andy! No! No, Andy! No! Andy, Andy, Andy! :''[The toy parts grab Woody by the neck and drag him downward as Andy appears.]'' :'''Andy''': Byeee, Woody. :'''Woody''': No, no! ANDY! :''[Andy puts the lid on the bin, making it go black. Woody wakes up from a nightmare and sees his ripped arm around his neck.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Wheezy, is that you? :'''Wheezy''': Hey, Woody. :'''Woody''': What are you doing up here? I thought Mom took you to get your squeaker fixed months ago. Andy was so upset. :'''Wheezy''': Nah, she just told him that to calm him down, and then... put me on the shelf. :'''Woody''': Well, why didn't you yell for help? :'''Wheezy''': Well I tried squeaking, but I'm still broken. No one could hear me. ''[tries squeaking, but coughs instead]'' Besides, ''[gasps]'' the dust aggravates my condition. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Sarge, emergency roll call! :'''Sarge''': Sir, yes sir! Red alert! All civilians fall in position now! Single file! Let's move, move, move! :'''Buzz''': Hamm? :'''Hamm''': Here. :'''Buzz''': Potato Head, Mr. and Mrs.? :'''Potato Heads''': Here. :'''Buzz''': Troikas. Check, check, check, check, check. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': All right. Let's review this one more time. At precisely 8:32-ish, Exhibit 'A,' Woody, was kidnapped. Exhibit 'B,' a composite sketch of the kidnapper. :'''Bo Peep''': He didn't have a beard like that. :'''Hamm''': Fine. Etch, give him a shave. :'''Slinky''': The kidnapper was bigger than that. :'''Hamm''': Oh, picky, picky, picky. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Let's just go straight to Exhibit "F." The kidnapper's vehicle. Now, the vehicle fled the scene in this direction. :'''Hamm''': Your eyes are in backwards. It went the other way. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Hey, put a cork in it. :'''Rex''': How do you spell "FBI"? ''[destroys the "crime scene"]'' :'''Mr. Potato Head''': My crime scene! :'''Hamm''': Oh, why don't you watch where you're going, "Godspilla"? :'''Rex''': I didn't know there was a crime scene. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': What are you doing, Buzz? :'''Buzz''': It's some sort of message encoded on that vehicle's ID tag. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Etch, draw that man in the chicken suit. :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' It's the chicken man! :'''Buzz''': That's our guy. :'''Hamm''': I knew there was something I didn't like about that chicken. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Prospector said someday you'd come. Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln! The Prospector! He'll wanna meet ya! ''[whistles for Bullseye to get the Prospector]'' Say hello to the Prospector. :'''Woody''': I-It's a box. :'''Jessie''': He's mint in the box. Never been opened. :'''Prospector''': ''[first words]'' Turn me around, Bullseye, so I can see. Why, the prodigal son has returned. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bo Peep''': This is for Woody when you find him. ''[kisses Buzz]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[clears his throat]'' All right, but I don't think it will mean the same coming from me. :'''Wheezy''': Mr. Buzz Lightyear, you just gotta save my pal Woody. ''[coughs]'' :'''Buzz''': I'll do my best, son. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': We'll be back before Andy gets home. :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': Don't talk to any toy you don't know! :'''Buzz''': To Al's Toy Barn, and beyond! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': All right! All right! Next tape! ''[However, the TV is turned off]'' Hey, wait, wait, wait. What... What happened? What happens next? Come on! Let's see the next episode! :'''Prospector''': That's it. :'''Woody''': What? :'''Prospector''': The show was canceled after that. :'''Woody''': Wait, wait, wait, wait. What about the gold mine and the... and the cute little critters and the dynamite? That was a great show. I mean, why cancel it? :'''Prospector''': Two words: Sput-nik. Once the astronauts went up, children only wanted to play with space toys. :'''Woody''': I know how that feels. But still, my own show! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jessie''': Oh! Hey, look at us! We're a complete set! :'''Prospector''': Now it's on to the museum! :'''Woody''': Museum?! ''[stops running in surprise and slides into Jessie and Bullseye, knocking them and himself off the record and onto the table]'' What museum? :'''Prospector''': ''The'' museum! We're being sold to the Konishi Toy Museum in Tokyo! :'''Jessie''': That's in Japan! :'''Woody''': Japan? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't go to Japan. :'''Jessie''': ''[chuckles]'' What do you mean? :'''Woody''': I gotta get back home to my owner, Andy. ''[lifts his boot]'' Hey, look, look, see? :'''Jessie''': ''[gasps]'' He still has an owner. :'''Prospector''': Oh, my goodness. :'''Jessie''': No. Can't go. I can't do storage again. I just can't! :'''Prospector''': Jessie. Jessie. :'''Jessie''': ''[shaking his box frantically]'' I won't go back in the dark! :'''Woody''': Wh-What's the matter? What's wrong with her? :'''Prospector''': Well, we've been in storage for a long time, waiting for you. :'''Woody''': Why me? :'''Prospector''': The museum's only interested in the collection if you're in it, Woody. Without you, we go back into storage. It's that simple. :'''Jessie''': It's not FAIR! How can you do this to us?! :'''Woody''': Hey, look, I'm sorry, but this is all a big mistake. You see, I was in this yard sale, and-- :'''Prospector''': Yard sale? Why were you in a yard sale if you have an owner? :'''Woody''': Well, I wasn't supposed to be there; I was trying to save another toy when-- :'''Prospector''': Was it because you're damaged? Hmm? Did this ''Andy'' break you? :'''Woody''': Yeah, but... No, no, no, no! It was an accident. I mean-- :'''Jessie''': Sounds like he ''really'' loves you. :'''Woody''': It's not like that, okay?! And I'm not going to any museum! :'''Jessie''': Well, I'm not going back into storage! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': ''[turns away]'' All right, nobody look 'till I get my cork back in. :'''Buzz''': Good work, men. Two blocks down, and only 19 more to go. :'''Rex''': What?! :'''Other toys''': 19?! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are we gonna do this all night? My parts are killing me. :'''Buzz''': Come on, fellas! Did Woody give up when Sid had me strapped to a rocket? :'''Other toys''': No. :'''Buzz''': No! And did he give up when you threw him out of the back of that moving van? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh, ya had to bring ''that'' up. :'''Buzz''': No, he didn't! We have a friend in need, and we will not rest until he's safe in Andy's room! Now let's move out! ''[walks off]'' :'''Announcer''': And that concludes our broadcast day. :''[static]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': Losing health units. Must rest. :'''Buzz''': Is everyone present and accounted for? :'''Slinky''': Not quite everyone. :'''Buzz''': Who's behind? :'''Slinky''': Mine. :'''Hamm''': Hey, guys! Why did the toys cross the road? :'''Buzz''': Not now, Hamm. :'''Rex''': Oh, I love riddles! Why? :'''Hamm''': To get to the chicken, on the other side! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Geri the cleaner rings the bell at Al's apartment. Al opens the door]'' :'''Al''': Oh, thank goodness, you're here. :'''Geri''': Is the specimen ready for cleaning? :''[Geri sets his tools up and ready to fix and clean Woody]'' :'''Al''': How long will this take? :'''Geri''': You can't rush art. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Employee''': Hey, Joe, you're late, We've got a ton of toys to unload. :'''Joe''': All right. All right. I'm comin'. I'm comin'. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': Whoa, Nelly, how are we going to find Woody in this place? :'''Buzz''': Look for Al. We find Al, we find Woody. Now move out! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After minutes of process, Geri has finished fixing and cleaning Woody and places him back into the glass case]'' :'''Geri''': There you go. ''[chuckles]'' He's for display only. You handle him too much, he's not gonna last. :'''Al''': It's amazing! You're a genius! He's just like new! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz reaches for Buzz #2's utility belt. Suddenly, Buzz #2 grabs Buzz's arm]'' :'''Buzz''': Ow! What are you doing? :'''Buzz #2''': You're in direct violation of ''Code 6404.5'' stating all space rangers are to be in hyper-sleep until awakened by authorized personnel. :'''Buzz''': Oh no. :'''Buzz #2''': You're breaking ranks, ranger! ''[opens his wrist communicator]'' Buzz Lightyear to Star Command: I've got an AWOL Space Ranger. :'''Buzz''': Tell me I wasn't this deluded. :'''Buzz #2''': No back talk! I have a laser, and I ''will'' use it! :'''Buzz''': You mean the laser that's a light bulb? ''[activates the laser of Buzz #2; Buzz #2 gasps]'' :'''Buzz #2''': Has your mind been melded? You could've killed me, Space Ranger. Or should I say ''traitor''?! ''[turns on laser that beams onto Buzz's forehead]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[walks away]'' I don't have time for this. :'''Buzz #2''': ''[keeping his laser beam on Buzz]'' Halt! I order you to halt! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': I beg your pardon, madam, but where's Al's office? :'''Tour Guide Barbie''': Please hold all questions until the end of the tour. Thank you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': Aah! My source of power! No! Come back! ''[the manual disappears below a shelf]'' '''NO!!!''' ''[turns back to chase after the car]'' Hey! Come on! Slow down! ''Dinosaur overboard!'' Slow down! Aah! :'''Tour Guide Barbie''': Remain seated please. Permanezcan sentados, por favor. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Ow! Listen to me, listen to me, you're not really a Space Ranger, you're a toy! We're all toys! Do you hear me? :'''Buzz #2''': Well, that should hold you until the court marshall. :'''Buzz''': Let me go! You don't realize what you're doing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Hey, Buzz! :'''Buzz #2''': Halt! Who goes there? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Quit clowning around and get in the car! :'''Rex''': Buzz! Buzz! I know how to defeat Zurg! :'''Buzz #2''': You do? :'''Rex''': Come on, I'll tell you on the way. :'''Buzz''': No no, guys! You've got the wrong Buzz! You've got the wrong Buzz! :'''Hamm''': Say, where'd you get that cool belt, Buzz? :'''Buzz #2''': Well, ''slotted pig'', they're standard issue. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Prospector''': How long will it last, Woody? Do you really think Andy is going to take you to college... or on his honeymoon? Andy's growing up... and there's nothing you can do about it. It's your choice, Woody. You can go back, or you can stay with us and last forever. You'll be adored by children for generations. :'''Woody''': Who am I to break up the Roundup gang? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': You see, all along, we thought the way into Zurg's fortress was through the main gate, but in fact, the secret entrance is to the left, hidden in the shadows. :'''Buzz #2''': ''[taking notes]'' To the left in the shadows, got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': It's him. :'''Hamm''': ''The chicken man.'' :'''Buzz #2''': Funny, he doesn't look like poultry. :'''Slinky''': That's the kidnapper, all right. :'''Buzz #2''': A kidnapper! An agent of Zurg if I ever saw one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': How are we going to get up there? :'''Rex''': Maybe if we'd find some balloons, we could float to the top. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Are you kidding? I'd say we stack ourselves up, push the intercom, and pretend we're delivering a pizza. :'''Hamm''': How about a ham sandwich? With fries and a hot dog? :'''Rex''': What about me? :'''Hamm''': Maybe you could be the toy that comes with the meal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Uh, Buzz, why not just take the elevator? :'''Buzz #2''': They'll be expecting that. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Buzz #2 uses Mr. Potato Head's eye to see what Woody and his roundup gang are up to in Al's apartment.]'' :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Buzz, can you see? What's going on? ''[pokes his eye through the vent]'' To the left. No, your left. Take it up higher. :'''Buzz #2''': What's happening? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''[frightened]'' Oh, it's horrible! They're torturing him! :'''Rex''': ''[gasps]'' What are we gonna do, Buzz?! :'''Buzz #2''': Use your head! :''[Buzz #2 and the others use Rex as a battering ram.]'' :'''Rex''': But I don't wanna use my head!!! :''[The toys quickly charge at the vent and break through to the apartment.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': Hold it, now! Hey, you don't understand! These are my friends! :'''Rex''': Yeah, we're his friends! :'''Woody''': No, Rex, I mean ''they're'' my friends! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Hold it right there! :'''Other toys''': Buzz?!?! :'''Buzz #2''': You again? :'''Buzz''': Woody, thank goodness you're all right. :'''Woody''': Buzz, what is going on? :'''Buzz #2''': Hold on! I am Buzz Lightyear, and I'm in charge of this detachment. :'''Buzz''': No. I'm Buzz Lightyear. :'''Buzz #2''': ''I am'' Buzz Lightyear! :'''Buzz''': ''I'm'' Buzz Lightyear! :'''Woody''': So, who's the real Buzz? :'''Buzzes''': '''I AM!!''' :'''Buzz #2''': Don't let this impostor fool you! He's been trained by Zurg himself to mimic my every move. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz #2''': Will somebody please tell me what's going on? :'''Buzz''': It's all right, Space Ranger. It's a code 546. :'''Buzz #2''': You mean it's a... :'''Buzz''': Yes. :'''Buzz #2''': And he's a... :'''Buzz''': Oh, yeah. :'''Buzz #2''': ''[to Woody]'' Your Majesty. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're in danger here. We need to leave now. :'''Rex''': Al's selling you to a toy museum in Japan! :'''Woody''': I know. It's okay, Buzz. I actually wanna go. :'''Rex''': What? :'''Hamm''': Are you crazy? :'''Woody''': Look, the thing is I'm a rare Sheriff Woody doll, and these guys are my Roundup gang. :'''Buzz''': Woody, what are you talking about? :'''Woody''': What am I talking about? Woody's Roundup! Oh, it's this great old TV show, and I was the star. ''[shows himself on TV to Buzz]'' See, now, look! Look! Look at me! See? That's me! :'''Hamm''': This is weirding me out. :'''Woody''': Buzz, it was a national phenomenon. And there was all this merchandise that just got packed up. Oh, you should've seen it. There was a record player and a yo-yo...Buzz, I was a yo-yo! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': ''Was''? :'''Buzz''': Woody, stop this nonsense and let's go. :'''Woody''': Nah, Buzz. ''[sighs]'' I can't go. I can't abandon these guys. They need me to get into this museum. Without me, they'll go back into storage. Maybe forever. :'''Buzz''': Woody, you're not a collector's item. You're a child's plaything. You... are... A TOY! :'''Woody''': For how much longer? One more rip, and Andy's done with me. And what do I do then, Buzz, huh? You tell me! :'''Buzz''': Somewhere in that pad of stuffing is a toy who taught me that life's only worth living if you're being loved by a kid. And I traveled all this way to rescue that toy... because I believed him. :'''Woody''': Well, you wasted your time. ''[turns away]'' :''[Upon hearing what Woody said, the other toys watch in sadness.]'' :'''Buzz''': Let's go, everyone. :'''Slinky''': What about Woody? :'''Buzz''': ''[walks back to the vent]'' He's not coming with us. :'''Rex''': But Andy's coming home tonight. :'''Buzz''': Then we'd better make sure we're there waiting for him. :''[The other toys make their way back to the vent. Slinky hesitates before entering.]'' :'''Woody''': I don't have a choice, Buzz. This is my only chance. :'''Buzz''': To do what, Woody? Watch kids from behind glass and never be loved again? ''[sarcastically]'' Some life. ''[re-enters the duct and closes it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woody''': ''[after seeing a human boy hugging him on the set of "Woody's Roundup"; sighs]'' What am I doing? ''[gets off the duct tape]'' Buzz! Wait! Wait! :'''Prospector''': Woody, where are you going? :'''Woody''': You're right, Prospector. I can't stop Andy from growing up... but I wouldn't miss it for the world. ''[runs to the heat duct]'' :'''Prospector''': No! :'''Woody''': Buzz! :'''Buzz''': Yes? :'''Buzz #2''': Yes? :'''Woody''': I'm coming with you! ''[pause]'' Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I'll be back in just a second. :'''Buzz''': Way to go, cowboy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Right when the Prospector is out of his box, he rudely screws the heat duct back in place to prevent the rest of the gang's escape.]'' :'''Jessie''': ''[shocked]'' Prospector?! :'''Woody''': You're out of your box! :'''Prospector''': I tried reasoning with you, Woody, but you keep forcing me to take extreme measures. ''[angrily taps his pickaxe onto the remote, turning off the TV]'' :'''Woody''': Wait a minute. You turned on the TV last night, not Jessie! :'''Prospector''': Look, we have an eternity to spend together at the museum. Let's not start off by pointing fingers, shall we? :'''Woody''': You really are Stinky Pete, aren't you? :'''Jessie''': Prospector, this isn't fair! :'''Prospector''': Fair?! I'll tell you what's not fair: Spending a lifetime on a dime-store shelf watching every other toy be sold! Well, finally my waiting has paid off, and no hand-me-down ''cowboy doll'' is gonna mess it up for me now! ''[angrily throws his box back into his display case]'' :'''Woody''': Buzz! ''[struggles to open the duct]'' Help, Buzz! Guys! :'''Prospector''': It's too late, Woody! That silly Buzz Lightweight can't help you. :'''Woody''': His name is Buzz Lightyear! :'''Prospector''': Whatever. ''[opens his box]'' I've always hated those upstart space toys. ''[angrily climbs back into his box]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': So, we meet again, Buzz Lightyear, for the last time! :'''Buzz #2''': It's Zurg! :'''Rex''': Aah! ''[simultaneously with Buzz #2]'' It's Zurg! Watch out! He's got an ion blaster! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zurg''': Surrender, Buzz Lightyear. I have won. :'''Buzz #2''': I'll never give in! You killed my father! :'''Zurg''': No, Buzz. I ''am'' your father. :'''Buzz #2''': '''NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': ''[to Buzz #2]'' Aah! Buzz, you could have defeated Zurg all along! You just need to believe in yourself! ''[gasps as Zurg aims his "ion blaster" at Buzz #2's head]'' :'''Zurg''': ''[to Buzz #2]'' Prepare to die! :'''Rex''': ''[turns away]'' Aah! I can't look! ''[accidentally knocks Zurg away with his tail]'' :'''Zurg''': ''[as he falls down the elevator shaft]'' '''Wh-Wh-Wh-Whoa!''' :'''Rex''': I did it! I finally defeated Zurg! :'''Buzz #2''': ''[forlornly]'' Father... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rex''': How are we going to get him now? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Pizza anyone? ''[camera pans to reveal the Pizza Planet delivery truck]'' :'''Buzz''': Go, go, go! :'''Buzz #2''': I got it! ''[catches a ball fired by Zurg]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[bumps into Buzz #2]'' Buzz, are you coming? :'''Buzz #2''': No, I...I have got a lot of catchin' up to do with my dad. ''[throws the ball back at Zurg]'' :'''Zurg''': ''[last words; ball hits him on his head]'' Good throw, son. That's my boy. Go long, Buzzy! ''[fires another ball]'' :'''Buzz #2''': Oh, you're a great dad! Yippee! :'''Buzz''': ''[dons a Vulcan salute]'' Farewell. ''[runs off with the other toys]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Al''': Listen, fly boy, the contents of that case are worth more than you make in a year! You got that, sport? You be careful! :'''Airport clerk''': I understand, sir. :'''Al''': Do you have a 'fragile' sticker or something you can put on that? 'Cause I know what goes on back there. :'''Airport clerk''': Don't worry, sir. :'''Al''': I had a box of cookies once that came back as crumbs! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Slinky''': Buzz! Buzz, my back is going to Baton Route! :'''Buzz''': Slinky! :'''Hamm''': Here we come, Woody! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Woody, here we come! :'''Rex''': Woody! :'''Hamm''': Nice flash though. :'''Buzz''': Okay, Woody, let's go! :'''Prospector''': ''[punches Buzz off the ramp]'' Take that, space toy! :'''Woody''': Hey! No one does that to my friend! ''[fights the Prospector but the Prospector shoves him off]'' :'''Prospector''': ''[reopens the rip in Woody's arm]'' Your choice, Woody. You can either go to Japan together or in pieces. If he fixed ya once, he can fix you again. Now get in the box! :'''Woody''': Never! :'''Prospector''': Fine! ''[raises his pick to finish Woody, but gets stunned by flash cameras]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[grabs the Prospector]'' Gotcha! :'''Prospector''': Idiots! Children destroy toys! You'll all be ruined! Forgotten! Spending eternity rotting in some landfill! :'''Woody''': Well, Stinky Pete, I think it's time you learned the true meaning of playtime. ''[points to something off-screen]'' Right over there, guys! :'''Prospector''': ''[last words; whimpers]'' No! NOO! '''NOOO!!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': What's a cowboy without his hat? :'''Woody''': Buzz! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Buzz''': ''[to Jessie]'' Uh, ma'am? I, uh, um, well, I just wanted to say you're a bright young woman with a beautiful yarn full of hair. A hair full of yarn. It's ah... um... I must go. :'''Jessie''': ''[embraces Buzz]'' Well, aren't you the sweetest space toy I've ever met? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hamm''': Uh, hey, Rex, I could use a hand over here. :'''Rex''': I don't need to play. I lived it! :'''Hamm''': No, no, no, no! Oh, nuts! :'''Al''': ''[on TV; last words as crying]'' Welcome to Al's Toy Barn. We've got the lowest prices in town. Everything for a buck-buck-buck. :'''Hamm''': Well, I guess crime doesn't pay. :'''Woody''': Oh, Andy did a great job, huh? ''[flexes his arm]'' Nice and strong! :'''Bo Peep''': I like it. Makes you look tough. :'''Aliens''': You have saved our lives. We are eternally grateful. :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': You saved their lives? Oh, my hero! They're so adorable! Let's adopt them! :'''Aliens''': Daddy! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Oh no... :'''Woody''': Wheezy, you're fixed! :'''Wheezy''': Oh, yeah. Mr. Shark looked in the toy box and found me an extra squeaker. :'''Woody''': And how do you feel? :'''Wheezy''': Oh, I feel swell. In fact, I think I feel a song coming on. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': You still worried? :'''Woody''': About Andy? Nah. It'll be fun while it lasts. :'''Buzz''': I'm proud of you, cowboy. :'''Woody''': Besides, when it all ends, I'll have old Buzz Lightyear to keep me company... for infinity and beyond. == Taglines == * The Toys Are Back! * The Toys Are Back In Town! == Cast (voices) == * [[Tom Hanks]] as Woody * [[Tim Allen]] as Buzz Lightyear/Utility Belt Buzz * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] as Jessie * [[Kelsey Grammer]] as Stinky Pete * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] as Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Jim Varney|Jim Varney]] as Slinky Dog * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] as Rex * [[w:John Ratzenberger|John Ratzenberger]] as Hamm * [[w:Annie Potts|Annie Potts]] as Bo Peep * [[w:Wayne Knight|Wayne Knight]] as Al McWhiggin * [[w:John Morris (actor)|John Morris]] as Andy Davis * [[w:Laurie Metcalf|Laurie Metcalf]] as Jennifer Davis * [[w:Estelle Harris|Estelle Harris]] as Mrs. Potato Head * [[w:R. Lee Ermey|R. Lee Ermey]] as Sarge * [[Jodi Benson]] as Tour Guide Barbie * [[w:Jonathan Harris|Jonathan Harris]] as The Cleaner * [[w:Joe Ranft|Joe Ranft]] as Wheezy (speaking voice) ** [[w:Robert Goulet|Robert Goulet]] (singing voice) * [[w:Andrew Stanton|Andrew Stanton]] as Emperor Zurg * [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|Jeff Pidgeon]] as Squeeze Toy Aliens/Mr. Spell == External links == {{wikipedia-inline}} *{{IMDb title|id=0120363|title=Toy Story 2}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:1999 animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Animated comedy films]] [[Category:Animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Lee Unkrich]] [[Category:Screenplays by John Lasseter]] [[Category:Screenplays by Pete Docter]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Films directed by Ash Brannon]] [[Category:Films directed by John Lasseter]] [[Category:1990s English-language films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] flk68ah9nwmqwue0hvo9pd8evajvap7 0 14407 3954340 3946987 2026-06-19T01:36:45Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dialogue */ 3954340 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Arnold Vosloo 2009.jpg|thumb|220px|The creature will suck them dry and then become whole again.]] '''''[[w:The Mummy Returns|The Mummy Returns]]''''' is a 2001 sequel to ''[[The Mummy (1999 film)|The Mummy]]'' film, in which the mummified body of Imhotep is shipped to a museum in London, where he wakes once again and resumes his quest for absolute power. == Ardeth Bay == * ''[narrating]'' Five thousand years ago, a fierce warrior known as the Scorpion King led a great army on a campaign to conquer the known world. After a vicious campaign that lasted seven long years, the Scorpion King and his army were defeated and driven deep into the sacred desert of Ahm Shere. One by one, they slowly perished under the scorching sun, until only the great warrior himself was left alive. Near death, the Scorpion King made a pact with the dark god Anubis, that if Anubis would spare his life and let him conquer his enemies, he would give him his soul. Anubis accepted his offer and spared his life. Anubis gave the Scorpion King command of his army, and like an evil flood, they washed away all that lay before them. When his task was done, Anubis forced the Scorpion King to serve him for all time. His army was returned to the sands from whence they came, where they wait, silently, to be awakened once again. * There's a fine line between coincidence and fate. == Baltus Hafez == * The creature will suck them dry and then become whole again. ** 51m55s == Rick O'Connell == * Look, fellas. Knowing my brother-in-law, he probably did something to deserve this. But this is ''my'' house, and I have certain rules about snakes and dismemberment. == Dialogue == :'''Rick''': This is bad, Evy! :'''Evy''': We've had bad before. :'''Rick''': This is worse! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': I told you! I told you! :'''Meela''': And your point is? :'''Jonathan''': My point is, I told you so you wouldn't kill me. :'''Meela''': When did we make that arrangement? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Hey, the Book of the Dead! :'''Meela''': What a bright little child. Your mother must be missing you terribly. If you wish to see her again, you better behave. :'''Alex''': Lady, I don't behave for my parents, what makes you think I'm going to do it for you? :'''Lock-Nah''': ''[threatening Alex]'' Silence! :'''Meela''': Because your parents wouldn't slip poisonous snakes in your bed ''[kisses his cheek]'' while you're sleeping. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Imhotep''': ''[in Egyptian]'' I know you can understand me, little one. So you must listen carefully because ''[in English]'' it is you who are the chosen one. You who will take me to Ahm-Shere. :'''Alex''': What if I don't? What if I get a little lost? :'''Imhotep''': ''[laughs]'' You have strength, little one. You are your father's son. But I know something you don't. This bracelet is a gift and a curse. The sands of time have already begun to pour against you. :'''Alex''': Yeah, yeah. I already heard this part. From the minute I put the bracelet on, seven days do I have before the Scorpion King wakes up. :'''Imhotep''': Did you also hear that if you do not enter the pyramid before the sun strikes it on that very morning that the bracelet will suck the life out of you? :'''Alex''': ''[shocked]'' That part I missed. Hey, wait a minute, that means I only have five days left! :'''Imhotep''': And I believe it would be nice trying not to get lost, don’t you? :'''Alex''': My dad is going to kick your arse! :'''Imhotep''': Hmm. ''[takes off his mask, revealing his mummified face and smirking; Alex gasps and steps back]'' I do not think so. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alex''': Are we there yet? :'''Lock-Nah''': No. :'''Alex''': Are we there yet? :'''Lock-Nah''': No. :'''Alex''': Are we there yet? :'''Lock-Nah''': No. No, no no no no NO! :''(Lock-Nah sticks his knife into the table between Alex's fingers)'' :'''Alex''': Whoa! That was amazing! Perfect aim! :'''Lock-Nah''': What are you talking about? I missed. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lock-Nah''': When the time comes, I shall truly enjoy killing you. :'''Alex''': But until that time, you better be a little nicer to me. Now, where's my water? :''[Lock-Nah shoves the pitcher of water into Alex's hands]'' :'''Alex''': No ice? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jonathan and an enemy soldier run into a clearing with stones while fleeing undead pygmies]'' :'''Jonathan''': See that?! We're safe, we're safe! See those sacred stones, they'll never cross those! :'''Shafek''': You are sure? :'''Jonathan''': Yes, of course I'm sure! :''[A pygmy notices them and attacks, spearing Shafek in the chest]'' :'''Jonathan''': ''[upon letting out a shriek of shock]'' Sorry! My mistake! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jonathan''': Pull me up! Pull me up! :''[He sees the huge diamond on top of the pyramid]'' :'''Jonathan''': Wait, wait. Let me down. Let me down! :'''Rick''': It's not worth your life, you idiot! :'''Jonathan''': Yes, it is! Yes, it is! == About ''{{PAGENAME}}'' == * "We worked with a guy called Dr. Stuart Smith from UCLA and he’s an Egyptologist. He put all this stuff on tape for us and it’s kind of the closest we can come to what we think the actual language sounded like. It’s like ancient Latin. When we speak Latin now we think it’s what it sounded like, but we’re not really sure. The problem with a lot of this Egyptian stuff is words like ‘look out’ become like 10 lines. Steve would go, ‘No, no, no. Lose the first four words. Say that word and then say the last word.’ So basically, I’d end up making the stuff up. ** Arnold Vosloo ([http://ardethsmistress0.tripod.com/id26.html ''Moviestar''] November/December 2001) == Taglines == * Adventure is reborn. * He will rise again. * The most powerful force on Earth is about to be unleashed by the two people who should know better. == Cast == * [[Brendan Fraser]] - Richard "Rick" O'Connell * [[Rachel Weisz]] - Evelyn "Evy" Carnahan O'Connell/Princess Nefertiri * [[w:Freddie Boath|Freddie Boath]] - Alexander "Alex" O'Connell * [[John Hannah (actor)|John Hannah]] - Jonathan Carnahan * [[Oded Fehr]] - [[w:List of The Mummy (film series) characters#Ardeth Bay|Ardeth Bey]] * [[w:Arnold Vosloo|Arnold Vosloo]] - High Priest Imhotep * [[w:Alun Armstrong|Alun Armstrong]] - [[w:List of The Mummy (film series) characters#Baltus Hafez|Baltus Hafez]], the cult leader * [[w:Patricia Velasquez|Patricia Velasquez]] - Meela Nais / Anck-Su-Namun * [[w:Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje|Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje]] - Lock-Nah * [[Dwayne Johnson]] - The Scorpion King == External links == {{wikipedia}} *[http://www.themummy.com/ Official Site] *{{imdb title|id=0209163|title=The Mummy Returns}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Mummy Returns, The}} [[Category:2001 films]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:2000s American films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Mummy films]] [[Category:Thriller films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Reincarnation films]] [[Category:Films set in deserts]] [[Category:Films set in Egypt]] [[Category:Films directed by Stephen Sommers]] [[Category:Screenplays by Stephen Sommers]] fyr8tsz70kgzqoe56p6y70gw0gmb3k9 4 15724 3954175 3883710 2026-06-18T16:05:54Z Codename Noreste 3154048 + 3954175 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Guidelinedraft}} '''Patrolling''' is a MediaWiki feature that allows users with the <code>patrol</code> user right ([[Wikiquote:Administrators|administrators]] and [[#Patrollers|patrollers]]) to mark [[Special:NewPages|new pages]] as patrolled. A log of patrolled pages is at [[Special:Log/patrol]]. == User groups == === <span class="anchor" id="Autopatrolled"></span><span class="anchor" id="Autopatrollers"></span>Autopatrollers === [[File:Wikiquote Autopatrolled.png|120px|right]] '''Autopatrollers''' are users whose page creations are automatically marked as patrolled by the MediaWiki software (<code>autopatrol</code>). In addition, they can also edit pages protected under [[Wikiquote:Protection policy#Autopatroller protection|autopatroller protection]] (<code>editautopatrolprotected</code>). These permissions are automatically granted to administrators. Administrators can grant this right at their discretion to trusted users who regularly create new articles, provided they are familiar with Wikiquote's policies and guidelines. There are currently [[Special:ListUsers/autopatrolled|'''{{NUMINGROUP:autopatrolled}}''' autopatrollers]] on the English Wikiquote. === <span class="anchor" id="Patrollers"></span>Patrollers === [[File:Wikiquote Patroller.png|120px|right]] '''Patrollers''' are users that, in addition to having the same user rights as autopatrollers, can mark new pages as patrolled (with the <code>patrol</code> user right). This permission is automatically granted to administrators. There are currently [[Special:ListUsers/patroller|'''{{NUMINGROUP:patroller}}''' patrollers]] on the English Wikiquote. == Page review process == === Normal process === * An editor ''without'' the autopatrolled user right creates a new article. * The page appears in the [[Special:NewPages|new pages feed]], where it is highlighted in yellow and not marked as "''patrolled''". * An administrator or patroller reviews the page in order to check for issues. If there are none, they will mark the page as "patrolled". === Autopatrolled process=== * An editor ''with'' the autopatrolled user right creates an article. * Similar to the above, the page appears in the [[Special:NewPages|new pages feed]], but it is ''not'' highlighted in yellow, indicating that the page is automatically marked as patrolled by the software. * Since the page is automatically marked as patrolled, an administrator or patroller does not have to review it, but may do so if they wish. == When to mark as patrolled == TBA. == When not to mark as patrolled == A page should ''not'' be marked as patrolled if it contains any of the following: * Obvious [[Wikiquote:Vandalism|vandalism]], spam, or promotional material 5oq1vfcnhypnxdg86aexapnqdsxwli6 0 17455 3954148 3942396 2026-06-18T14:05:44Z En-cor-Zenodoti 3308631 adding two 3954148 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Menander Chiaramonti Inv1453.jpg|thumb|The [[truth]], sometimes not sought for, comes forth to the [[light]].]] '''{{w|Menander}}''' (Greek: Μένανδρος, ''Ménandros''; ''c.'' 342/341 – ''c.'' 290 BC) was a Greek playwright and the best-known representative of Athenian [[w:Ancient Greek comedy#New Comedy_(nea)|New Comedy]]. He was the author of more than a hundred comedies, of which a single one, ''[[w:Dyskolos|Dyskolos]]'', survives virtually complete. == Quotes == :<small>Greek text cited from R. Kassel, C. Austin, ''Poetae Comici Graeci, vol. VI Menander'' (Berlin-Boston, 1998–2022), whose numbering is also followed.<br>Translations cited from F. G. Allinson, [https://archive.org/details/menanderprincipa00menauoft/page/n9/mode/2up ''Menander. The Principal Fragments''] (Cambridge-London, 1921), unless otherwise noted.</small> === ''{{w|Dyskolos}}'' (316 BC) === [[File:Menander fresco Pompeii Italy.jpg|thumb|right|Rest assured, for every piece of business the most businesslike thing is to choose the right moment.]] [[File:The story of the greatest nations, from the dawn of history to the twentieth century - a comprehensive history, founded upon the leading authorities, including a complete chronology of the world, and (14578736699).jpg|thumb|right|In this part he most shows himself a [[man]], whoever tolerates making himself equal to another, rich to poor. For this man will bear a change of fortune with self-control.]] * ζ[ῶ]ν οὗτος ἐπιεικῶς χρόνον <br> πολὺν λελάληκεν ἡδέως ἐν τῷ βίῳ <br> οὐδενί, προσηγόρευκε πρότερος δ᾿ οὐδένα <br> πλὴν ἐξ ἀνάγκης, γειτνιῶν παριών τ᾿, ἐμὲ <br> τὸν Πᾶνα· καὶ τοῦτ᾿ εὐθὺς αὐτῷ μεταμέλει, <br> εὖ οἶδ᾿. ** {{smallcaps|Pan}}: This man has lived here <br> a reasonably long time and has gladly talked in his life <br> to no one, has spoken first to no one <br> except — of necessity, since he is a neighbor and passes by — me, <br> [[w:Pan (mythology)|Pan]]. And he immediately regrets it, <br> I'm sure. ** Lines 8–13 (tr. V. J. Rosivach, 2014) * εὖ τοῦτ᾿ ἴσθ᾿, ὅτι <br> πρὸς πάντα πράγματ᾿ ἐστὶ πρακτικώτερον <br> εὐκαιρία. ** {{smallcaps|Chaereas}}: Rest assured, <br> for every piece of business the most businesslike thing is <br> to choose the right moment. ** Lines 127–29 (tr. V. J. Rosivach, 2014) * τῶν δ᾿ ἀναγκαίων λέγειν <br> πλείον᾿ οὐκ ἀνδρὸς νομίζω, πλὴν ἐκεῖνό γ᾿ ἴσθι, παῖ· <br> ὑπὲρ ἐμοῦ γὰρ βούλομ᾿ εἰπεῖν ὀλίγα σοι καὶ τοῦ τρόπου. <br> εἰ τοιοῦτοι πάντες ἦσαν, οὔτε τὰ δικαστήρια <br> ἦν ἄν, οὔθ᾿ αὑτοὺς ἀπῆγον εἰς τὰ δεσμωτήρια, <br> οὔτε πόλεμος ἦν, ἔχων δ᾿ ἂν μέτρι᾿ ἕκαστος ἠγάπα. <br> ἀλλ᾿ ἴσως ταῦτ᾿ ἔστ᾿ ἀρεστὰ μᾶλλον οὕτω· πράττετε. <br> ἐκποδῶν ὑμῖν ⟨ὁ⟩ χαλεπὸς δύσκολός τ᾿ ἔσται γέρων. ** {{smallcaps|Cnemon}}: To say more than what's necessary <br> I don't think is appropriate for a man. Except know this, child — <br> for I wish to tell you a little about me and my character — <br> if everyone were like me there wouldn't be law courts, <br> and they wouldn't take them away to prisons, <br> and there wouldn't be wars, but having goods in measure each man would be happy. <br> But perhaps those things are more pleasing. Act that way. <br> This difficult and grouchy old man will be out of your way. ** Lines 740–47 (tr. V. J. Rosivach, 2014) ** Alternate translation (W. G. Arnott, 1960): *** I don't hold with people saying more than they need; but there is one thing more, my child, that I'd like you to know. I just want to say a few things to you about life, and the way people behave. You know, if we were all kind to one another, there'd be no need for law courts, there'd be no arresting people and putting them into prison, and there would be no more war. Everyone would have his little bit, and be content. But maybe you like modern ways better? Well, live that way, then! This difficult and bad-tempered old man will soon be out of the way. * τρυφερὸς ὢν δίκελλαν ἔλαβες, ἔσκαψας, πονε[ῖν <br> ἠθέλησας. ἐν δὲ τούτῳ τῷ μέρει μάλιστ᾿ ἀνὴρ <br> δείκνυτ᾿, ἐξισοῦν ἑαυτὸν ὅστις ὑπομένει τινὶ <br> εὐπορῶν πένητι· καὶ γὰρ μεταβολὴν οὗτος τύχ[ης <br> ἐγκρατῶς οἴσει. δέδωκας πεῖραν ἱκανὴν τοῦ τρόπ[ου· <br> διαμένοις μόνον τοιοῦτος. ** {{smallcaps|Gorgias}}: Even if you were a softy, you took the mattock, you dug, <br> you were willing to work. In this part he most shows himself a man, <br> whoever tolerates making himself equal to another, <br> rich to poor. For this man will bear a change of fortune <br> with self-control. You have given a sufficient proof of your character. <br> I wish only that you remain as you are. ** Lines 766–71 (tr. V. J. Rosivach, 2014) === Fragments === [[File:Relief with Menander and New Comedy Masks - Princeton Art Museum.jpg|thumb|right|The man dies young on whom the gods their love bestow.]] ;Plays partially extant on papyrus * ὃν οἱ θεοὶ φιλοῦσιν ἀποθνῄσκει νέος. ** The man dies young on whom the gods their love bestow. ** ''Dis Exapaton'', frg. 4 Κ.-Α. *:<small>Compare [[Byron]], ''[[Don Juan (Byron)#Canto IV (1821)|Don Juan]]'', IV, xii, 89</small> * ἀπὸ μηχανῆς θεὸς ἐπεφάνης. ** You are by your epiphany a veritable "god from the machine." ** ''Theophoroumene'', frg. 6 K.-A. ** See: ''{{w|Deus ex machina}}'' * τὸ καλῶς ἔχον που κρεῖττόν ἐστι καὶ νόμου. ** That which turns out well is better than any law. ** ''Karchedonios'', frg. 5 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/200/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * οὐθεὶς ἐπλούτησεν ταχέως δίκαιος ὤν. ** No just man has ever become suddenly rich. ** ''Kolax'', line 42 (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=Id4emt1vfvgC&pg=PA323 C. T. Ramage, 1873]) * ταὐτόματον ἐστιν ὡς ἔοικέ που θεὸς<br>σῴζει τε πολλὰ τῶν ἀοράτων πραγμάτων. ** Chance is a kind of god, for it preserves many things which we do not observe. ** ''Samia'', lines 163–164 * αἰσθοῦ σαυτὸν ὄντα [ <br> ἄνθρωπον, ἄνθρωπον δὲ κα[ <br> ἵνα μὴ ᾿πιθυμῇς τῶν ὑπὲρ σ[ὲ πραγμάτων. <br> ὅταν δ᾿ ἀγρυπνεῖν εἴπῃς, τίς ὁ [βίος σου σκοπῶν <br> τὴν αἰτίαν γνώσῃ· περιπατεῖς [ <br> εἰσῆλθες εὐθύς, ἂν κοπιάσῃς τ[ὰ σκέλη. <br> μαλακῶς ἐλούσω, πάλιν ἀναστ[ὰς περιπατεῖς <br> πρὸς ἡδονήν. ὕπνος αὐτὸς ὁ βί[ος ἐστί σοι. <br> τὸ πέρας· κακὸν ἔχεις οὐδέν, ἡ ν[όσος δέ σου <br> ἔσθ᾿ ἣν διῆλθες (φορτικώτερο[ν δέ τι <br> ἐπέρχεταί μοι, τρόφιμε, συγγνώ[μην δ᾿ ἔχε)· <br> τὸ δὴ λεγόμενον, οὐχ ἔχεις ὅπο[ι χέσῃς <br> ὑπὸ τῶν ἀγαθῶν, εὖ ἴσθι. ** Remember, [Pheidias], <br> you're human, and [a poor man]'s human, too! <br> So don't you crave for what's beyond [your reach]! <br> When you complain of sleeplessness, what's really <br> your [problem]? I'll tell you the cause. You stroll <br> [all round the market], come straight home when [legs] <br> are weary, bathe in luxury. Then up you get <br> and [take a] pleasant [stroll. Your] life itself <br> [is] sleep! So, finally, there's nothing wrong with you. <br> This [sickness] you've described is—well, [a] rather coarse <br> expression comes to mind—forgive me, master— <br> the saying goes, you're so well off you don't <br> have anywhere [to shit], I'd have you know! ** ''Phasma'', lines 6–18 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/menander_comic_poet-phasma/2000/pb_LCL460.377.xml W. G. Arnott, 2000]) ;Plays known from quotations only * χαλεπόν γε θυγάτηρ κτῆμα καὶ δυσδιάθετον. ** A daughter is an embarrassing and ticklish possession. ** Frg. 22 K.-A., ''Halieus'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/198/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * ζῶμεν γὰρ οὐχ ὡς θέλομεν, ἀλλ᾿ ὡς δυνάμεθα. ** We [[live]], not as we wish to, but as we can. ** Frg. 47 K.-A., ''Andria'' *:<small>Compare [[Terence]], ''Andria'', 805:<br>'''ut quimus' aiunt, quando 'ut volumus' non licet.''<br>As the saying is, we do as we can since we can't as we would. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/TerenceWithAnEnglishTranslationByJohnSargeaunt/page/86/mode/2up J. Sargeaunt, 1918])</small> * τὰ προσπεσόντα προσδοκᾶν ἅπαντα δεῖ<br>ἄνθρωπον ὄντα· παραμένει γὰρ οὐδὲ ἕν. ** Man must be prepared for every event of life, for there is nothing that is durable. ** Frg. 50 K.-A., ''Androgynos'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/198/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * πάντ᾿ ἐστὶ τῷ καλῷ λόγῳ<br>ἱερόν· ὁ νοῦς γάρ ἐστιν ὁ λαλήσων θεός. ** All places are the temple of God, for it is the mind that prays to him. ** Frg. 70 K.-A., ''Arrhephoros'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/198/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * ἀνδρὸς χαρακτὴρ ἐκ λόγου γνωρίζεται. ** The character of man is known from his conversation. ** Frg. 72 K.-A., ''Arrhephoros'' (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=Id4emt1vfvgC&pg=PA319 C. T. Ramage, 1873]) * πλούτος δὲ πολλῶν ἐπικαλυμμ᾽ ἐστὶν κακῶν. ** [[Wealth|Riches]] cover a multitude of woes. ** Frg. 92 K.-A., ''Boiotis'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/stevensonsbookof0000burt/page/1720/mode/2up B. Stevenson, 1934]) * κατὰ πολλὰ γ᾿ ἐστὶν οὐ καλῶς εἰρημένον<br>τὸ γνῶθι σαυτόν· χρησιμώτερον γὰρ ἦν<br>τὸ γνῶθι τοὺς ἄλλους. ** In many ways the saying "Know thyself" is not well said. It were more practical to say: "Know other folks." ** Frg. 181 K.-A., ''Thrasyleon'' * εὔπιστον ἀτυχῶν ἐστιν ἄνθρωπος φύσει·<br>τὸν πλήσιον γὰρ οἴεται μᾶλλον φρονεῖν<br>ὁ τοῖς λογισμοῖς τοῖς ἰδίοις πταίων ἀεί. ** The unfortunate are credulous by nature;<br>for he will rather think his neighbour wise<br>who, when he schemes himself, is always tripping. ** Frg. 286 K.-A., ''Parakatatheke'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/378/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * ἆρ᾿ ἐστὶν ἀρετῆς καὶ βίου διδάσκαλος<br>ἐλευθέρου τοῖς πᾶσιν ἀνθρώποις ἀγρός. ** Men are taught virtue and a love of independence by living in the country. ** Frg. 301 K.-A., ''Plokion'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/202/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * οὐ πανταχοῦ τὸ φρόνιμον ἁρμόττει παρόν·<br> καὶ συμμανῆναι δ᾿ ἔνια δεῖ. ** At times [[discretion]] should be thrown aside,<br>And with the foolish we should play the [[fool]]. ** Frg. 317 K.-A., ''Poloumenoi'' (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryquota04harbgoog/page/454/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * ἔρχεται τἀληθὲς εἰς φῶς ἐνίοτ᾿ οὐ ζητούμενον. ** The [[truth]], sometimes not sought for, comes forth to the [[light]]. ** Frg. 328 K.-A., ''Rapizomene'' *** Alternate translation ([https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/204/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]): *** Truth, when not sought after, sometimes comes to light. * τρόπος ἔσθ᾿ ὁ πείθων τοῦ λέγοντος, οὐ λόγος. ** It's the character of the speaker that does the persuading, not eloquence. ** Frg. 362.7 K.-A., ''Hymnis'' ;Fragments of uncertain placement * τὰ σῦκα σῦκα, τὴν σκάφην σκάφην. ** I call a fig a fig, a spade a spade. ** Frg. 507 K.-A.; original phrasing not preserved. * οὐκ ἔστ᾿ ἄπιστον οὐδὲν ἐν θνητῷ βίῳ<br>οὐδ᾿ ἂν γένοιτο· πολλὰ ποικίλλει χρόνος<br>παράδοξα καὶ θαυμαστὰ καὶ ζώντων τρόποι. ** In life of mortals there is not, nay, nor could there come to pass, a single thing beyond our credence. Time and men's ways embroider many an unexpected marvel on life's web. ** Frg. 685 K.-A. * ἀεὶ δ᾿ ὁ σωθείς ἐστιν ἀχάριστον φύσει. ** Thankless by nature always is the man who has been saved. ** Frg. 701 K.-A. * μισῶ πονηρόν, χρηστὸν ὅταν εἴπῃ λόγον. ** I hate a bad man saying what is good. ** Frg. 704 K.-A. * ὡς χαρίεν ἔστ᾿ ἄνθρωπος, ἂν ἄνθρωπος ᾖ. ** How charming a thing is man when he is man. ** Frg. 707 K.-A. * οὐκ ἔστ᾿ ἀνοίας οὐδέν, ὡς ἐμοὶ δοκεῖ,<br>τολμηρότερον. ** There is nothing more daring than ignorance. ** Frg. 714 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/196/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * ἀληθὲς εἶναι δεῖ τὸ σεμνόν, οὐ κενόν. ** True grandeur may we praise, not empty show. ** Frg. 726 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/316/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]) * οὐθὲν σιωπῆς ἐστι χρησιμώτερον. ** Nothing is more useful to man than silence. ** Frg. 752 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/208/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * μειράκιον, οὔ μοι κατανοεῖν δοκεῖς, ὅτι <br> ὑπὸ τῆς ἰδίας ἕκαστα κακίας σήπεται, <br> καὶ πᾶν τὸ λυμαινόμενόν ἐστιν ἔνδοθεν. <br> οἷον ὁ μὲν ἰὸς τὸν σίδηρον, ἂν σκοπῇς, <br> τὸ δ᾿ ἱμάτιον οἱ σῆτες, ὁ δὲ θρὶψ τὸ ξύλον. <br> ὃ δὲ τὸ κάκιστον τῶν κακῶν πάντων, φθόνος <br> φθισικὸν πεποίηκε καὶ ποήσει καὶ ποεῖ. ** My son, you do not see<br>How everything that dies, dies by its own<br>Corruption: all that injures is within.<br>Rust is the poison of iron, moths of wool,<br>And worms of wood; in you there is a poison<br>Most deadly, which has made you sick to death<br>And makes and shall make—envy. ** Frg. 761 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.113492/page/n625/mode/2up G. Murray, 1938]) *:<small>Compare [[Plato]], ''Republic'', 609a–e; [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 15:11.</small> * ὅστις δὲ διαβολαῖσι πείθεται ταχύ,<br>ἤτοι πονηρὸς αὐτός ἐστι τοὺς τρόπους,<br>ἢ παντάπασι παιδαρίου γνώμην ἔχει. ** He that lends an easy and credulous ear to calumny is either a man of very ill morals, or has no more sense and understanding than a child. ** Frg. 764 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/bim_eighteenth-century_the-gentlemans-library-_gentleman_1715/page/308/mode/2up Anonymous, 1715]) * οὐκ ἔστι τόλμης ἐφόδιον μεῖζον βίου. ** There is no better provision for life than impudence and a brazen face. ** Frg. 773 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/210/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * οὐχ αἱ τρίχες ποιοῦσιν αἱ λευκαὶ φρονεῖν. ** 'Tis not white hair that engenders wisdom. ** Frg. 776 K.-A. * εἰρήνη γεωργὸν κἀν πέτραις<br>τρέφει καλῶς, πόλεμος δὲ κἀν πεδίῳ κακῶς. ** Peace gives food to the husbandman, even in the midst of rocks; war brings misery to him, even in the most fertile plains. ** Frg. 779 K.-A. (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/210/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]) * τὸ γαμεῖν, ἐάν τις τὴν ἀλήθειαν σκοπῇ,<br>κακὸν μέν ἐστιν, ἀλλ᾿ ἀναγκαῖον κακόν. ** [[Marriage]], if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil. ** Frg. 801 K.-A. * ἅπαντα τὰ ζῷ᾿ ἐστὶ μακαριώτερα<br>καὶ νοῦν ἔχοντα μᾶλλον ἀνθρώπων πολύ.<br>τὸν ὄνον ὁρᾶν ἔξεστι πρῶτα τουτονί·<br>{οὗτος κακοδαίμων ἐστὶν ὁμολογουμένως.}<br>τούτῳ κακὸν δι᾿ αὑτὸν οὐδὲν γίνεται,<br>ἃ δ᾿ ἡ φύσις δέδωκεν, ⟨αὐτὰ⟩ ταῦτ᾿ ἔχει. ἡμεῖς δὲ χωρὶς τῶν ἀναγκαίων κακῶν<br>αὐτοὶ παρ᾿ αὐτῶν ἕτερα προσπορίζομεν. ** All animals are more happy, and have more understanding, than man. Look, for instance, on yonder ass; all allow him to be miserable: his evils, however, are not brought on him by himself and his own fault; he feels only those which Nature has inflicted. We, on the contrary, besides our necessary ills, draw upon ourselves a multitude of others. ** Frg. 844.1–8 K.-A. (tr. [https://books.google.com/books?id=IDBkAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA17 F. W. Blagdon, 1819]) * τοῦτ᾿ ἔστι τὸ ζῆν, οὐχ ἑαυτῷ ζῆν μόνῳ. ** This is living, not to live unto oneself alone. ** Frg. 869 K.-A. *** Paraphrased by [https://archive.org/details/sympathyreligio00higggoog/page/n8/mode/2up T. W. Higginson, 1870]: *** To live is not to live for one’s self alone; let us help one another. {{Misattributed begin}} === ''Monosticha'' === :<small>Though this collection was transmitted under Menander's name, the vast majority of its items demonstrably belong to other authors.<br>Greek text cited from S. Jäkel, [https://archive.org/details/sententiaecompar0000mena/page/n5/mode/2up ''Menandri Sententiae''] (Leipzig, 1964), whose numbering is also followed.</small> * Ἀνὴρ ὁ φεύγων καὶ πάλιν μαχήσεται. ** The man who runs away may fight again. ** 56 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/stevensonsbookof0000burt/page/456/mode/2up B. Stevenson, 1934]) * Βροτοῖς ἅπασιν ἡ συνείδησις θεός. ** [[Conscience]] is a God to all mortals. ** 107 * Ὑγίεια καὶ νοῦς ἀγαθὰ τῷ βίῳ πέλει. ** Health and intellect are the two blessings of life. ** 779 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/cassellsbookofqu0000benh/page/480/mode/2up W. G. Benham, 1907]) * οὐ γὰρ ἔρχεται μόνον. ** [Old age] never comes alone. ** 802 {{Misattributed end}} {{Misattributed begin}} == Misattributed == * οὔτ᾿ ἐκ χερὸς μεθέντα καρτερὸν λίθον<br>οἷόν τ᾿ ἐπισχεῖν οὔτ᾿ ἀπὸ γλώσσης λόγον. ** It is as easy to draw back a stone thrown with force from the hand, as to recall a word once spoken. ** [[Euripides]], fragment 1044 TrGF (tr. [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/208/mode/2up C. T. Ramage, 1864]); misattributed to Menander due to a confusion in Stobaeus, ''Anthology'' III.36.14. * ὅταν δ᾿ ἄλυπος διὰ τέλους εἶναι θέλῃς,<br>ἢ δεῖ θεόν σ᾿ εἶναι τιν᾿ ἢ τάχα δὴ νεκρόν.<br>παρηγόρει δὲ τὰ κακὰ δι᾿ ἑτέρων κακῶν. ** If you want to live your whole life free from pain you must become either a god or else a corpse. Consider other men's troubles and that will comfort you. ** ''Comparison of Menander and Philistion'', II.203–204 (tr. P. Vellacott, 1967); despite its title, the ''Comparison'' contains virtually no material from either poet ([https://archive.org/details/menandriquaesupe0000edme/page/n11/mode/2up A. Körte, 1959:IX–X]) * Whenever you do what is holy, be of good cheer, knowing that God Himself takes part with rightful courage. ** Appears in the May 1879 issue of ''The Cornhill Magazine'' ([https://archive.org/details/sim_cornhill-magazine_1879-05_39_233/page/564/mode/2up vol. 39, p. 565]), attributed to Menander. Does not occur in his works; likely a liberal development of ''Monosticha'' 188 (tr. [https://archive.org/details/dictionaryofquot00harbiala/page/352/mode/2up T. B. Harbottle, 1897]): *** δίκαια δράσας συμμάχους ἕξεις θεούς. *** He who does right has Heaven for his ally. {{Misattributed end}} == Quotes about Menander == * ὦ Μένανδρε καὶ βίε,<br />πότερος ἄρ᾿ ὑμῶν πότερον ἐμιμήσατο; ** Menander and life,<br />which of you imitated which? ** {{w|Aristophanes of Byzantium}}, T 7 Slater (tr. [https://archive.org/details/makingofmenander0000gold/page/109/mode/2up S. M. Goldberg, 1980]) * ὁ δὲ Μένανδρος μετὰ χαρίτων μάλισθ᾿ ἑαυτὸν αὐτάρκη παρέσχηκεν, ἐν θεάτροις ἐν διατριβαῖς ἐν συμποσίοις, ἀνάγνωσμα καὶ μάθημα καὶ ἀγώνισμα κοινότατον ὧν ἡ Ἑλλὰς ἐνήνοχε καλῶν παρέχων τὴν ποίησιν, δεικνὺς ὅ τι δὴ καὶ ὁποῖον ἦν ἄρα δεξιότης λόγου, ἐπιὼν ἁπανταχόσε μετὰ πειθοῦς ἀφύκτου καὶ χειρούμενος ἅπασαν ἀκοὴν καὶ διάνοιαν Ἑλληνικῆς φωνῆς. τίνος γὰρ ἄξιον ἀληθῶς εἰς θέατρον ἐλθεῖν ἄνδρα πεπαιδευμένον ἢ Μενάνδρου ἕνεκα; ** Menander's charm makes him utterly satisfying, for in these works that present with universal appeal the splendours of Greece, society finds its culture, the schools their study, the theatre its triumph. The nature and possibilities of literary elegance were by him revealed for the first time. He has invaded every quarter of the world with his invincible glamour, bringing all hearts under the sway of the Greek language. What sound reason does the cultivated man ever find for entering a theatre, except Menander? ** [[Plutarch]], ''Comparison of Aristophanes and Menander'', 854a–b (tr. [https://archive.org/details/in.ernet.dli.2015.185938/page/n91/mode/2up S. R. Littlewood, 1939]) * τῶν Μενάνδρου δραμάτων ὁμαλῶς ἁπάντων ἓν συνεκτικόν ἐστιν, ὁ ἔρως, οἷον πνεῦμα κοινὸν διαπεφοιτηκώς. ** One thing regularly gives cohesion to all Menander's plays—Love, which pervades them like a universal spirit. ** Plutarch, ''On Love'', frg. 134 Sandbach (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/plutarch-moralia_fragments_other_named_works_lives/1969/pb_LCL429.249.xml F. H. Sandbach, 1969]) * ''Menander, qui vel unus meo quidem iudicio diligenter lectus ad cuncta quae praecipimus effigenda sufficiat: ita omnem vitae imaginem expressit, tanta in eo inveniendi copia et eloquendi facultas, ita est omnibus rebus personis adfectibus accommodatus.'' [. . .] ''Atque ille quidem omnibus eiusdem operis auctoribus abstulit nomen, et fulgore quodam suae claritatis tenebras obduxit.'' ** A careful reading of Menander alone would, in my judgement, be sufficient to develop all the qualities I am recommending: so complete is his representation of life, so rich his invention and so fluent his style, so perfectly does he adapt himself to every circumstance, character and emotion. [. . .] Indeed, he has robbed all the other authors in this genre of their name, and condemned them to obscurity by the brilliance of his fame. ** [[Quintilian]], ''{{w|Institutio Oratoria}}'', X.1.69–72 (tr. [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/quintilian-orators_education/2002/pb_LCL127.287.xml D. A. Russell, 2002]) == Sources == * Fragment # K.-A. = R. Kassel, C. Austin, Poetae Comici Graeci, vol. VI Menander (Berlin-Boston, 1998–2022) * Francis G. Allinson, [https://archive.org/details/menanderprincipa00menauoft/page/n9/mode/2up ''‪Menander: The Principal Fragments‬‎''] (London: W. Heinemann, 1921) * [[Gilbert Murray]], [https://www.google.com.au/books/edition/Aristophanes/dexxAAAAIAAJ?hl=en&gbpv=0 ''Aristophanes: A Study''] (Oxford: Clarendon Press, 1933), p. 224 ;''Dyskolos'' * W. G. Arnott, [https://archive.org/details/dyskolosormanwho0000wgar/page/n1/mode/2up ''Menander's Dyskolos or The Man who Didn't Like People''] (University of London, Athlone Press, 1960) * Vincent J. Rosivach, [https://web.archive.org/web/20171110061536/http://faculty.fairfield.edu/rosivach/cl103a/dyskolos.htm "Menander's Dyskolos (Grouch)"], faculty.fairfield.edu (28 April 2014) [https://topostext.org/work/779] ;Compendiums * Craufurd Tait Ramage, [https://archive.org/details/beautifulthough02unkngoog/page/198/mode/2up ''Beautiful Thoughts from Greek Authors''] (Liverpool: Edward Howell, 1864) pp. 195-214 * Thomas Benfield Harbottle, [https://archive.org/details/b24865898/page/n7/mode/2up ''Dictionary of Quotations: Classical''] (London: Swan Sonnenschein & Co., 1897) <!-- pp. 310, 311, 312, 316, 317, 318, 321, 322, 323, 324, 325, 326, 327, 328, 329, 330, 331, 332, 334, 335, 337, 339, 340, 342, 343, 346, 347, 348, 349, 351, 352, 355, 356, 360, 361, 363, 364, 366, 367, 368, 369, 370, 372, 375, 377, 378, 379, 380, 381, 382, 383, 384, 385, 387, 389, 390, 393, 394, 395, 396, 401, 402, 403, 407, 409, 410, 412, 413, 414, 416, 418, 421, 422, 423, 424, 425, 427, 428, 429, 431, 432, 440, 441, 442, 443, 444, 446, 448, 449, 452, 455, 459, 460, 461, 463, 464, 466, 467, 469, 470, 471, 473, 474, 476, 481, 482, 485, 486, 488, 489, 490, 492, 496, 498, 499, 503, 505, 507, 510, 518, 519, 520, 521, 522, 524, 526, 529, 530, 531, 533, 534, 536, 537, 540, 541 --> * W. Gurney Benham, [https://archive.org/details/cassellsbookofqu0000benh/page/n5/mode/2up ''Cassell's Book of Quotations: Proverbs and Household Words''] (London: Cassell & Co., 1907) * Charles Noel Douglas, [https://www.bartleby.com/lit-hub/forty-thousand-quotations-prose-and-poetical/authors/menander ''Forty Thousand Quotations: Prose and Poetical''] (New York: Halcyon House, 1917) * Burton Stevenson, [https://archive.org/details/bwb_C0-BOG-838/page/1720/mode/2up?q=%22Riches+cover+a+multitude+of+woes%22 ''The Home Book of Quotations''] (New York: Dodd, Mead & Co., 1934) == External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.gottwein.de/Grie/menand/monost_a.php Menander: Monosticha / Sententiae / Einzelverse] Sentences from Menander's work in the original Greek and translated in Latin and German * [http://www.rhapsodes.fll.vt.edu/menander.htm SORGLL: Menander, Dyskolos, 711-747; read by Mark Miner] [[Category:Poets from Greece]] [[Category:Playwrights from Greece]] [[Category:People from Athens]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] cjijeuyyf8ml2l2p4mp1606dgcmn7o4 0 23891 3954352 3912655 2026-06-19T05:10:23Z Textbaron 3343285 /* About Eddie Vedder */ added quote from Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain 3954352 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:EddieVedder.jpg|thumb|Eddie Vedder in 2006]] '''[[w:Eddie Vedder|Eddie Vedder]]''' (born Edward Louis Severson III; [[December 23]], [[1964]]) is an American musician and singer-songwriter, who is best known for being the lead singer and one of three guitarists of the alternative rock band [[Pearl Jam]]. ==Quotes== * You kill yourself and you make a big old sacrifice and try to get your revenge. That all you're gonna end up with is a paragraph in a newspaper. In the end, it does nothing. Nothing changes. The world goes on and you're gone. The best revenge is to live on and prove yourself. ** This quote was taken from the Synergy's Echoes page (December, 1991 Houston, Texas, KLOL FM Echoes of Exposure with David Sadoff). * Well, maybe it was just that I wasn't going to like anybody because I had to work and I had to explain to my teachers why I wasn't keeping up. I'd fall asleep and things in class and they'd lecture me about the reality of their classroom. I said, 'You want to see my reality?' I opened up my backpack to where you usually keep your pencils. That's where I kept my bills... electric bills, rent... That was my reality. ** L.A. Times 5/1/94, "He Didn't Ask for All This". *There is a thing that happens when you are not as privileged and you start hanging out with a seedier crowd because you can afford to do the same things, [...] And all of a sudden the big night out is sitting in somebody's trailer, smoking something or getting hold of something to put up to your nose. ** L.A. Times 5/1/94, "He Didn't Ask for All This". * I am not a good enough writer to have an agenda or come up with a message and try to put it into a song, [...] It's more like you write what comes to you... You try to reflect the mood of the songs. Take 'Rearviewmirror', we start off with the music and it kinds of propels the lyrics. It made me feel like I was in a car, leaving something, a bad situation. There's an emotion there. I remembered all the times I wanted to leave... ** L.A. Times 5/1/94, "He Didn't Ask for All This". * You know, ''[his voice trembling, hoarse, no more than a whisper]'' I always thought I'd go first. I don't know why I thought that. It just seemed like I would. I mean, I didn't know him on a daily basis -- far from it. But, in a way, I don't even feel right being here without him. It's so difficult to really believe he's gone. I still talk about him like he's still here, you know. I can't figure it out. It doesn't make any sense. I remember when he got sick in Rome -- I didn't realize then that it was actually a suicide attempt -- I was in Seattle. I went out to grab something to eat and I saw the headlines. That he was in a coma. I just freaked out, man. I went home and made some phone calls, tried to find out what the fuck was going on. Then I started pacing the house and started to cry. I just kept saying, 'Don't go, man, just don't fuckin' go... just don't go.' I kept thinking, 'If he goes, I'm fucked.' You know, all these people man, all lining up to say that his death was so fucking inevitable... well, if it was inevitable for him, it's gonna be inevitable for me, too, if this continues. That's why this could be our last show in fuckin' forever as far as I'm concerned. Kurt's death has changed everything. I don't know if I can do it any more. See, people like him and me, we can't be real. It's a contradiction. We can't be these people who just write these real songs. We have to live up to the expectations of a million people. And we can't do that. And then there's a cynical fuckin' media on top of that. Fuck that, fuck 'em. All along the line, they question your fuckin' honesty. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, they think it's an angle. They think it's all a fuckin' game. Because that's all they're used to. That's what they think it is, a fuckin' game. They don't know what's real and what isn't. And when someone comes along who's trying to be real, they don't know the fuckin' difference. So if you say, 'No, I'm not playing your fuckin' game. I want out... I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that...,' they still think you're part of it. They just can't accept that you don't want to be part of it, that you were never part of it. They just think it's an angle. Some kind of fuckin' angle. And that makes it so hard for somebody who's just trying to be honest. So fuck it. And another thing, we never talked about this but it's like you were saying although we were very different people, there was probably a lot we had in common. We had similar backgrounds, yeah, things that happened with our families and shit... I think that's something that comes out in what we wrote in our songs, definitely. It is kinda similar sometimes. But what makes it more similar is the way people responded to what we wrote and sang about, the intense identification. And I think it was maybe a shock to both of us that so many people were going through the same things. I mean, they understood so completely what we were talking about. And this was shit we thought only he and I were ever gonna have to deal with. Because we kinda wrote these songs for ourselves really. Then all of a sudden, there's all these other people who connect with them and you're suddenly the spokesman for a fuckin' generation. Can you imagine that! A... spokesman... for a... generation. ** {{cite web |url=http://fivehorizons.com/archive/articles/mm052194.shtml|title=about Kurt Cobain’s death, May 21, 1994, Melody Maker}} * There was a lot of stuff that got said, but none of it really matters. And I like to think he may have had second thoughts about some of the things he said, you know... I mean there's a person we both knew, who told me that Kurt asked about me a lot, like picked their brains about me, this person who knew us both. And I thought that was cool. That made me feel good, you know. Because so much bullshit was getting written about us. And we talked, we talked a couple of times. And this one time, he told me flat-out, just delivered me a whole paragraph on the respect he had for what I did, and he realized it was pure. This was at the MTV Awards. 'Tears in Heaven' was playing in the background, we were slow dancing. I remember going out surfing the next morning and remembering how good that moment felt and thinking, 'Fuck, man, if only we hadn't been so afraid of each other...' Because we were going through so much of the same shit. If only we'd talked, maybe we could have helped each other. ** {{cite web |url=http://fivehorizons.com/archive/articles/mm052194.shtml|title=about Kurt Cobain and their relationship, May 21, 1994, Melody Maker}} *Allan Jones: When Kurt went into a coma in Rome, a local Seattle magazine, a small-circulation coffee house rag, carried an article with the headline: "WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN EDDIE VEDDER?" This was exactly what Courtney Love had told Select magazine, I tell Eddie. He looks absolutely stunned. "Oh," he says, the wind gone out of him, utterly deflated. "That's nice. That's really nice. That makes me feel really good. I wonder why she didn't mention that when I phoned her last night and offered her any help or support I could give her... I really don't know any of these people. I don't know Courtney, I'd never talked to her before. But someone said I should call her and I thought maybe I should. I mean, all this shit that comes up and all this bullshit that flies back and forth in the press that gets italicized and trumped up to make it a bigger deal than it really is, when all that's said and done, there's feelings I have for those people. And the ones that are alive, I need to let them know how I feel. * ** {{cite web |url=http://fivehorizons.com/archive/articles/mm052194.shtml|title=Interview for Melody Maker, May 21, 1994}} *I tell you, man, when our first record came out, I was shocked how many people related to some of that stuff. Something like 'Alive,' so many people dealt with death through that song. Like people dealt with the death of love through 'Black' and so many people dealt with suicide through 'Jeremy.' The kind of letters that got through to me about those songs, some of them were just frightening. It's just so fuckin' weird. You write about this shit, and you're suddenly the spokesman for a fuckin' generation," he laughs, and it's a bitter, scary laugh, nothing funny about it at all. "Think about it, man," he says. "Any generation that would pick Kurt [Cobain] or me as its spokesman -- that must be a pretty fucked up generation, don't you think? I mean, that generation must be really fucked up, man, really fuckin' fucked up..." ** {{cite web |url=http://fivehorizons.com/archive/articles/mm052194.shtml|title=I'm Not Your Fuckin' Messiah - May 21, 1994, Melody Maker}} * Let me be as weird as I fuckin' like. It's my fuckin' life. ** May 21, 1994, Melody Maker. * Vedder has a variety of comments about God and/or belief, at one point he was saying, "When you're out in the desert, you can't believe the amount of stars. We've sent mechanisms out there, and they haven't found anything. They've found different colours of sand, and rings, and gasses, but nobody's shown me anything that makes me feel secure in what happens afterwards. All I really believe in is this moment, like right now." ** Rolling Stone, Oct 31 1991, "Right Here, Right Now". * '''JG''': Can I ask what your feelings are about God?<br> '''EV''': Sure. I think it's like a movie that was way too popular. It's a story that's been told too many times and just doesn't mean anything. Man lived on the planet -- [placing his fingers an inch apart], this is 5000 years of semi-recorded history. And God and the Bible, that came in somewhere around the middle, maybe 2000. This is the last 2000, this is what we're about to celebrate [indicating about an 1/8th of an inch with his fingers]. Now, humans, in some shape or form, have been on the earth for three million years [pointing across the room to indicate the distance]. So, all this time, from there [gesturing toward the other side of the room], to here [indicating the 1/8th of an inch], there was no God, there was no story, there was no myth and people lived on this planet and they wandered and they gathered and they did all these things. The planet was never threatened. How did they survive for all this time without this belief in God? I'd like to ask this to someone who knows about Christianity and maybe you do. That just seems funny to me... (sic) Funny strange. Funny bad. Funny frown. Not good. That laws are made and wars occur because of this story that was written, again, in this small part of time. ** March 23, 1998, Janeane Garofalo interviewing Eddie Vedder for CMJ New Music Report at Brendan's, on the Lower East Side. * "Later he tried to keep a straight face as he mockingly confessed: 'While we were away, I found God.' He rambled on about the Bible before concluding, 'We found God. He was right in our stomachs...'"<br>(The rambling had to do with finding a Bible in every hotel room, "Every hotel has Holy Bibles.") ** July 23, 1998 Seattle Post-Intelligencer, page C3. *I really like [[Chris Cornell]]]'s records and I think he's the best singer that we've got on the planet. I first met Chris when I moved to Seattle, and we started hanging around. I didn't know what musicians did with their life, and I quickly realized that what he did on a Friday night was to get a 12-pack of shitty beer and chase his dog around on the mud for four hours in the forest. That was about an exciting an epiphany as I had! I haven't seen him in town for a while, but I have taken over the whole dog-chasing practice – me and my Hawaiian mutt. The beer's gotten slightly better too. **{{cite web |url=http://www.pearljamonline.it/interviste/uncut09.htm |title=Q&A with Ed Vedder |work=Uncut Magazine |date=September 2009}} *It was during that same week that I was up there [In Seattle rehearsing with Pearl Jam]. Day four maybe, or day five, they did a Temple [of the Dog] rehearsal after our afternoon rehearsal. I got to watch these songs, and watch how Chris [Cornell] was working, and watch Matt [Cameron] play drums. It got to "Hunger Strike" - I was sitting in the corner, putting duck tape on a little African drum. About two-thirds of the way though, he was having to cut off the one line, and start the other. I'm not now, and certainly wasn't then, self-assured or cocky, but I could hear what he was trying to do, so I walked up to the mic - which I'm really surprised I did - and sang the other part, "Going hungry, going hungry." The next time I was up, he asked if I'd record it - so it was just me and Chris in the same studio that we made [1991's] ''Ten'' record. I really like hearing that song. I feel like I could be real proud of it - because one, I didn't write it, and two, it was such a nice way to be ushered onto vinyl for the first time. I'm indebted to Chris time eternal for being invited onto that track. **{{cite web |url=https://books.google.com/books?id=eTg4whS9ClUC&printsec=frontcover&hl=en-BR&source=gbs_ge_summary_r&redir_esc=y#v=snippet&q=temple&f=false |title=Book Grunge Is Dead: The Oral History of Seattle Rock Music, 2009}} *One of the first people I met outside of the group [Pearl Jam] was this next human and I had no idea how he would affect my life and my views on music and my views on friendship and what a big impact he would have. These guys [the other members of Pearl Jam] know him much longer than me and his impact is profound. I'd like to introduce with great pleasure my old neighbor, Chris Cornell. ** [[w:Eddie Vedder|Eddie Vedder]] introducing Cornell during a Pearl Jam concert on September 4, 2011. *{{cite web |url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbG9CNCettk |title=PEARL JAM Chris Cornell *Hunger Strike* PJ20 night 2 @ Alpine Valley Temple of the Dog 9/4/2011 |work=YouTube | date=5 September 2011}} *Sometimes it's hard to concentrate these days. I was thinking about the history of this building [Eventim Apollo] and the Bowie history. So I started to think about that and my mind began to wander. It's not a good...So I haven't really been talking about some things and I kind of... now it feels like it's conspicuous because I lost a really close friend of mine, somebody who...I'll say this too, I grew up as 4 boys, 4 brothers, and I lost my brother 2 years ago tragically like that in an accident and after that and losing a few other people, I'm not good at it, meaning I'm not...I have not been willing to accept the reality and that's just how I'm dealing with it (applause starts). No, no, no, no. So I want to be there for the family, be there for the community, be there for my brothers in my band, certainly the brothers in his band. But these things will take time but my friend is going to be gone forever and I will just have to...These things take time and I just want to send this out to everyone who was affected by it and they all back home and here appreciate it so deeply the support and the good thoughts of a man who was a... you know he wasn't just a friend he was someone I looked up to like my older brother. About two days after the news, I think it was the second night we were sleeping in this little cabin near the water, a place he would've loved. And all these memories started coming in about 1:30am like woke me up. Like big memories, memories I would think about all the time. Like the memories were big muscles. And then I couldn't stop the memories. And trying to sleep it was like if the neighbors had the music playing and you couldn't stop it. But then it was fine because then it got into little memories. It just kept going and going and going. And I realized how lucky I was to have hours worth of...you know if each of these memories was quick and I had hours of them. How fortunate was I?! And I didn't want to be sad, wanted to be grateful not sad. I'm still thinking about those memories and I will live with these memories in my heart and I will...love him forever. ** Talking about [[Chris Cornell]] for the first time since his death during a solo concert in London on June 6, 2017. *{{cite web |url=http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/read-eddie-vedders-tribute-to-older-brother-chris-cornell-w486208 |title=Read Eddie Vedder's Moving Tribute to 'Older Brother' Chris Cornell |work=Rolling Stone |date=7 June 2017}} ===Song meanings=== * If you don't eat for a long time, food tastes better. The song ["In Hiding"] was about taking a fast from life, doing anything to get yourself back in touch with something real. Abstinence from anything is cool, because the normalcy of life is deceptive: It's enjoyable for a while, and there are good moments, but sometimes that's not enough. You start questioning what's the point. By not opening my mouth I was able to get into that state. Jack called me at the end of it; he couldn't understand what I was saying. It took a minute to get my speech back. **On the meaning of [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]'s song "[[w:In Hiding|In Hiding]]", quoted in *{{cite book|url=https://web.archive.org/web/20080108122444/http://pearljamhistory.no.sapo.pt/PJArticles_Interviews_02-08-98_-_philadelphia_inquirer.htm |title=Calling Off the Crusades |date=February 8, 1998 |work=The Philadelphia Inquirer}} *That song is all about someone who's drunk with technology, who thinks they're the controlling living being on this planet. It's another one I'm not singing as myself." **On the meaning of [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]'s song "[[w:Do the Evolution|Do the Evolution]]", quoted in *{{cite book|url=https://web.archive.org/web/20080108122444/http://pearljamhistory.no.sapo.pt/PJArticles_Interviews_02-08-98_-_philadelphia_inquirer.htm |title=Calling Off the Crusades |date=February 8, 1998 |work=The Philadelphia Inquirer}} *A 20-page cardboard book with a line on each page and a picture to go with it. It's a fable, that's all. The music almost gives you this feeling of flight, and I really love singing the part at the end, which is about rising above anybody's comments about what you do and still giving your love away. You know -- not becoming bitter and reclusive, not condemning the whole world because of the actions of a few. **On the meaning of [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]'s song "[[w:Given to Fly|Given to Fly]]", quoted in *{{cite book|url=https://web.archive.org/web/20080108122444/http://pearljamhistory.no.sapo.pt/PJArticles_Interviews_02-08-98_-_philadelphia_inquirer.htm |title=Calling Off the Crusades |date=February 8, 1998 |work=The Philadelphia Inquirer}} *It's about first relationships. The song is about letting go. It’s very rare for a relationship to withstand the Earth’s gravitational pull and where it’s going to take people and how they’re going to grow. I’ve heard it said that you can’t really have a true love unless it was a love unrequited. It’s a harsh one, because then your truest one is the one you can’t have forever. **On the meaning of [[w:Pearl Jam|Pearl Jam]]'s song "[[w:Black (Pearl Jam song)|Black]]", quoted in the book *{{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=uWa9AAAAQBAJ&pg=PA68&lpg=PA68 |title=Pearl Jam Twenty |date=2011 |page=68}} ===Spin Magazine Reclamation=== *Reclamation by Eddie Vedder * Glasgow, Scotland. It's cold outside. I'm thinking about a problem. One group of people trying to force their beliefs on others, based on religion. And it seems as though we're regressing. * Above, a helicopter flies by. If it continues on its course, it will shortly be over Ireland, where as of this writing, the powers that be are deciding if a 14-year-old girl who was raped by the father of one of her friends should be allowed to leave for Britain to obtain an abortion. She's been ordered not to leave the country for nine months. Fourteen years old. Raped. The issue of an unborn fetus takes on more importance than the fact that the rapist walks free. * Extreme, but this is a place where the church influences the government. And when I think of the movements concerning abortion in the United States, it definitely seems as though we're regressing. * "My body's nobody's body but mine...<br>You run your own body, let me run mine." * At the University of San Diego a few years ago, pro-lifers gathered, while pro-choicers chanted the above. Sides clashed and tension ran high. A banner equating pro-choice ideology with Nazism and Hitler was displayed. "Baby Killers," a little red stop sign said -- a sign held by a well-dressed 3-year-old who sat atop the shoulders of his upper-middle class father. The kid looked confused and frightened. The ominous presence of armed police on horseback would be enough to upset anyone. * And I wondered how this child got pulled into this? I wondered how any of us got pulled into this. The fact is that those people handing down decisions on the abortion issue are not the ones who will have to live or die by it. * Ten years old. That's the age my child would have been. And I would not be here in Glasgow. I wouldn't be in this band or traveling. And I wouldn't have seen the liberal ways in which other countries we have visited deal with this issue. I wouldn't have been asked to write this piece. The fact that I've been through it on all levels is the only reason I accepted. * Perhaps I'll have a child in the future, when I can provide properly. Who knows. But as individuals in this "free" country, we must have the right to choose when that time is right. A couple -- perhaps 15 or 16 years old, maybe 10 years older -- is faced with an unwanted pregnancy; it makes no difference if there is no means of support. They're questioning whether they can provide a proper climate in which to raise a child. A healthy question for both them and society itself. Yeah, there are programs to assist. Welfare and health programs that are constant victims of cutbacks. The child can sit in severely overcrowded classrooms and be taught by underpaid teachers. * A right to a healthy future should be the consideration. * Operation Rescue? The point being the rescue of a nonentity, a zygote. Perhaps the rescue of a young woman in crisis would be more in order. Instead, combat lines are drawn at clinics, and women must be escorted through trenches, which only adds to their trauma. This is not a game. This is not a religious pep rally. This is a woman's future. Roe vs. Wade was decided 19 years ago and the fact that a well-organized group has come close to overturning it is raw proof that we do live in a democracy. But also the reason that any opposition must be equally as vocal. You go to school in Normal, Illinois? Collegetown, U.S.A.? Shout it out. There are people wary of the strength that young voters possess. Prove them right. Decide on the issues and vote -- male or female -- for this is not just a women's issue. It's human rights. If it were a man's body and it was his destiny we were deciding there would be no issue. Not in today's male dominated society. * {{cite web|url=https://www.freewebs.com/pearljamstudy/992spinmagazinereclamati.htm|title=Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder explains why a woman's right to choose is more than just a women's issue |work=Spin Magazine |date=November 1992}} ===About Eddie Vedder=== *When we started rehearsing the songs, I had pulled out "Hunger Strike" and I had this feeling it was just kind of gonna be filler, it didn't feel like a real song. Eddie was sitting there kind of waiting for a Mookie Blaylock rehearsal and I was singing parts, and he kind of humbly—but with some balls—walked up to the mic and started singing the low parts for me because he saw it was kind of hard. We got through a couple choruses of him doing that and suddenly the light bulb came on in my head, this guy's voice is amazing for these low parts. History wrote itself after that, that became the single. **[[Chris Cornell]] on his duet with Eddie Vedder on Temple of the Dog's "Hunger Strike", quoted in *"Ten Past Ten". ''Spin''. August 2001. *To the wisest and goofiest guy I know - thank you for helping raise me and for bringing two of my beautiful sisters into the world with mama J [Jill Vedder]! (this is us at @theohanafest, one of my favorite moments of 2019. ** {{cite book|url=https://www.instagram.com/p/B6bzAgHHFYY/|title=Lily Cornell Silver wishing Eddie Vedder a happy birthday on her Instagram account on December 23, 2019}} *We never had a fight ever. I just have always hated their band. We've had a few conversations on the phone, I really like him. I think he's a really nice person. *Kurt Cobain, (MTV interview, 1993) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Vedder, Eddie}} [[Category:Multi-instrumentalists]] [[Category:Guitarists from the United States]] [[Category:Alternative rock singers]] [[Category:Singer-songwriters from the United States]] [[Category:1964 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Socialists from the United States]] [[Category:Activists from the United States]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:Grunge]] [[Category:People from Chicago]] [[Category:Golden Globe Award–winning musicians]] f1dwxpcpwv0nbc33nhjq0g7ful44mdt 0 23902 3954272 3620903 2026-06-18T20:45:53Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 /* External links */ 3954272 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Hannah Montana (TV series)|Hannah Montana ]]''''' is a Disney Channel Original Series which made its debut in March 2006. [[Miley Cyrus]] stars as Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana, who lives a double life as a student by day and a pop star by night. == Seasons == ::[[Hannah Montana (season 1)|Season 1]] ::[[Hannah Montana (season 2)|Season 2]] ::[[Hannah Montana (season 3)|Season 3]] ::[[Hannah Montana (season 4)|Season 4]] ==Cast== * [[Miley Cyrus]] as Miley Stewart/Hannah Montana * [[w:Emily Osment|Emily Osment]] as Lilly Truscott * [[w:Mitchel Musso|Mitchel Musso]] as Oliver Oken * [[w:Jason Earles|Jason Earles]] as Jackson Stewart * [[w:Moisés Arias|Moisés Arias]] as Rico Suave * [[Billy Ray Cyrus]] as Robby Ray Stewart ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://hannahmontana.wikia.com Hannah Montana on Wikia] * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0493093 Hannah Montana at the Internet Movie Database] * [http://www.tvloop.com/hannah-montana/show Hannah Montana community at TVLoop.com] [[Category:2000s American teen sitcoms]] [[Category:2010s American teen sitcoms]] [[Category:Musical comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Disney Channel sitcoms]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:TV shows about teenagers]] [[Category:TV shows set in Malibu]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] gm1uwmu7i2hj63fdegbxy3zl7yqi19v 0 27323 3954331 3765671 2026-06-18T23:55:51Z Kalki 71 add 1 3954331 wikitext text/x-wiki <div id="19" style="margin: 1em 0em; border: thin solid black; padding: 3px; background-color:#CFE5FF;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122); font: bold 14pt sans-serif;">[[Category:Days]][[w:June 19|June 19]]</div> <noinclude>'''Quotes of the day''' from previous years:</noinclude> ; 2004 : I'm not a prettier everywoman. I am an everywoman that they clean up awfully well for TV. ~ [[Kelly Ripa]] :* suggested by IP 66.157.63.6 ; 2005 : True eloquence makes light of eloquence, true morality makes light of morality... To make light of philosophy is to be a true philosopher. ~ [[Blaise Pascal]] (born 19 June 1623) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2006 : It is not power that corrupts but fear. Fear of losing power corrupts those who wield it and fear of the scourge of power corrupts those who are subject to it. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] (born 19 June 1945) :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ; 2007 : We are gradually being conditioned to accept violence as a sensual pleasure. The directors used to say they were showing us its real face and how ugly it was in order to sensitize us to its horrors. You don't have to be very keen to see that they are now in fact desensitizing us. They are saying that everyone is brutal, and the heroes must be as brutal as the villains or they turn into fools. There seems to be an assumption that if you're offended by movie brutality, you are somehow playing into the hands of the people who want censorship... Yet surely, when night after night atrocities are served up to us as entertainment, it's worth some anxiety. … How can people go on talking about the dazzling brilliance of movies and not notice that the directors are sucking up to the thugs in the audience? ~ [[Pauline Kael]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- We are gradually being conditioned to accept violence as a sensual pleasure. The directors used to say they were showing us its real face and how ugly it was in order to sensitize us to its horrors. You don't have to be very keen to see that they are now in fact desensitizing us. They are saying that everyone is brutal, and the heroes must be as brutal as the villains or they turn into fools. There seems to be an assumption that if you're offended by movie brutality, you are somehow playing into the hands of the people who want censorship... Yet surely, when night after night atrocities are served up to us as entertainment, it's worth some anxiety. ~ [[Pauline Kael]] OR : There seems to be an assumption that if you're offended by movie brutality, you are somehow playing into the hands of the people who want censorship... Yet surely, when night after night atrocities are served up to us as entertainment, it's worth some anxiety. We become clockwork oranges if we accept all this pop culture without asking what's in it. How can people go on talking about the dazzling brilliance of movies and not notice that the directors are sucking up to the thugs in the audience? ~ [[Pauline Kael]] OR : We are gradually being conditioned to accept violence as a sensual pleasure. The directors used to say they were showing us its real face and how ugly it was in order to sensitize us to its horrors. You don't have to be very keen to see that they are now in fact desensitizing us. They are saying that everyone is brutal, and the heroes must be as brutal as the villains or they turn into fools. There seems to be an assumption that if you're offended by movie brutality, you are somehow playing into the hands of the people who want censorship... Yet surely, when night after night atrocities are served up to us as entertainment, it's worth some anxiety. … How can people go on talking about the dazzling brilliance of movies and not notice that the directors are sucking up to the thugs in the audience? ~ [[Pauline Kael]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:02, 18 June 2007 (UTC) Somewhat inclined to one of these, mostly to the final version, despite it being a bit long, as a contrast with the previous QOTD by [[Roger Ebert]]; both his points and hers about violence as entertainment are valid. * 4 for the last version above. [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:54, 18 June 2007 (UTC) --> ; 2008 : The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 15:37, 18 Jun 2005 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:54, 18 June 2007 (UTC) * 4 Excellent quote, a distant hint at "nothing to fear but fear itself." [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:16, 24 April 2008 (UTC) --> ; 2009 : The wellspring of courage and endurance in the face of unbridled power is generally a firm belief in the sanctity of ethical principles combined with a historical sense that despite all setbacks the condition of man is set on an ultimate course for both spiritual and material advancement. At the root of human responsibility is the concept of perfection, the urge to achieve it, the intelligence to find a path towards it, and the will to follow that path if not to the end at least the distance needed to rise above individual limitations and environmental impediments. It is man's vision of a world fit for rational, civilized humanity which leads him to dare and to suffer to build societies free from want and fear. Concepts such as truth, justice and compassion cannot be dismissed as trite when these are often the only bulwarks which stand against ruthless power. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:30, 18 June 2009 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2010 : The quintessential revolution is that of the spirit, born of an intellectual conviction of the need for change in those mental attitudes and values which shape the course of a nation's development. A revolution which aims merely at changing official policies and institutions with a view to an improvement in material conditions has little chance of genuine success. Without a revolution of the spirit, the forces which produced the iniquities of the old order would continue to be operative, posing a constant threat to the process of reform and regeneration. It is not enough merely to call for freedom, democracy and human rights. There has to be a united determination to persevere in the struggle, to make sacrifices in the name of enduring truths, to resist the corrupting influences of desire, ill will, ignorance and fear. ~ [[Aung San Suu Kyi]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] ([[User talk:Kalki|talk]] &middot; [[Special:Contributions/Kalki|contributions]]) 07:58, 16 June 2010 (UTC) <s>* 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2011 : Who what am I? My answer: I am the sum total of everything that went before me, of all I have been seen done, of everything done-to-me. I am everyone everything whose being-in-the-world affected was affected by mine. I am anything that happens after I've gone which would not have happened if I had not come. Nor am I particularly exceptional in this matter; each "I", everyone of the now-six-hundred-million-plus of us, contains a similar multitude. I repeat for the last time: to understand me, you'll have to swallow a world. ~ [[Salman Rushdie]] :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 23:30, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with very strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2012 {{quote of the day | quote = The only [[people]] who see the whole picture are the ones who step outside the frame. | author = Salman Rushdie }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] <!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:47, 14 June 2012 (UTC)<s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2013 {{quote of the day | quote = Is it not [[proof|proven]] beyond all dispute that there is no limit to the enormities which [[men]] will commit when they are once persuaded that they are keepers of other men's [[conscience|consciences]]? To spread [[religion]] by any means, and to crush heresy by all means is the practical inference from the [[doctrine]] that one man may control another's religion. Given the duty of a state to foster some one form of [[faith]], and by the sure inductions of our [[nature]] slowly but certainly [[persecution]] will occur. To prevent for ever the possibility of [[Catholic Church|Papists]] roasting [[w:Protestantism|Protestants]], [[Anglicanism|Anglicans]] hanging Romish priests, and [[w:Puritans|Puritans]] flogging [[w:Quakers|Quakers]], let every form of state-churchism be utterly abolished, and the [[remembrance]] of the long [[curse]] which it has cast upon the [[world]] be blotted out for [[Eternity|ever]]. | author = Charles Spurgeon }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:02, 17 June 2013 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2014 {{quote of the day | quote = I do not [[envy]] [[people]] who [[think]] they have a [[complete]] [[explanation]] of the [[world]], for the simple [[reason]] that they are [[obviously]] [[wrong]]. | author = Salman Rushdie }} :* proposed by [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] <!-- * 3 [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 19:53, 8 April 2014 (UTC) * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 14:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) --> ; 2015 {{quote of the day | quote = It is a [[strong]] [[argument]] for [[democracy]] that [[governments]] regulated by [[principles]] of [[accountability]], [[respect]] for public [[opinion]] and the supremacy of [[just]] [[laws]] are more likely than an [[Monarchy|all-powerful ruler]] or [[ruling]] [[class]], uninhibited by the [[need]] to [[honour]] the [[will]] of the [[people]], to observe the traditional [[duties]] of [[Buddhist]] kingship. Traditional [[values]] serve both to justify and to decipher popular [[expectations]] of democratic government. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:35, 18 June 2015 (UTC) <s> 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) </s> --> ; 2016 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The unhappy legacies of [[authoritarianism]] can be removed only if the concept of [[absolute]] [[power]] as the basis of [[government]] is replaced by the concept of [[confidence]] as the mainspring of [[political]] [[authority]]: the confidence of the [[people]] in their [[Rights|right]] and [[ability]] to [[decide]] the [[destiny]] of their [[nation]], mutual confidence between the people and their [[leaders]] and, most important of [[all]], confidence in the [[principles]] of [[justice]], [[liberty]] and [[human rights]]. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:29, 18 June 2016 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2017 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Weak]] [[logic]], inconsistencies and [[alienation]] from the [[people]] are common features of [[authoritarianism]]. The relentless attempts of [[totalitarian]] regimes to prevent [[free thought]] and new [[ideas]] and the persistent assertion of their own lightness bring on them an intellectual stasis which they project on to the [[nation]] at large. Intimidation and [[propaganda]] work in a duet of [[oppression]], while the people, lapped in [[fear]] and distrust, [[learn]] to dissemble and to keep [[silent]]. And [[all]] the [[time]] the [[desire]] [[grows]] for a [[system]] which will lift them from the position of "rice-eating [[robots]]" to the status of [[human]] beings who can think and [[speak]] [[freely]] and hold their heads high in the [[security]] of their [[rights]]. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:23, 18 June 2017 (UTC) <s>3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4.</s> --> ; 2018 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[People]] almost invariably arrive at their [[beliefs]] not on the basis of [[proof]] but on the basis of what they find attractive. | author = Blaise Pascal }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:25, 18 June 2018 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. </s> --> ; 2019 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> A mere [[trifle]] [[consoles]] us, for a mere trifle [[distresses]] us. | author = [[Blaise Pascal]] ~<br /> in <br />~ ''[[Pensées]]'' }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 20:44, 18 June 2019 (UTC) --> ; 2020 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Hope]] remains even in the most [[difficult]] of [[times]] … I hope [[today]] serves as a reminder that however hard things get, [[w:We'll Meet Again|we will meet again]]. | author = Vera Lynn }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:53, 18 June 2020 (UTC) -->, in regard of her recent death. ; 2021 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> The [[people]] of [[Texas]] are [[informed]] that, in accordance with a proclamation from the Executive of the [[United States]], all [[slaves]] are [[free]]. This involves an absolute [[equality]] of personal [[rights]] and rights of [[property]] between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired [[labor]]. | author = Gordon Granger }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:35, 19 June 2021 (UTC) -->, in regard to the first "[[w:Juneteenth|Juneteenth]]" celebrated as a US federal holiday. ; 2022 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> Our [[reason]] is always [[disappointed]] by the inconstancy of [[appearances]]. | author = Blaise Pascal }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 18:31, 18 June 2022 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC)</s> --> ; 2023 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Juneteenth]] marks both the long, hard [[night]] of [[slavery]] and subjugation, and a [[promise]] of a brighter [[morning]] to come. This is a day of profound — in my view — profound weight and profound power. A day in which we [[remember]] the moral stain, the terrible toll that slavery took on the country and continues to take — what I’ve long called “[[America]]’s original [[sin]].” At the same time, I also remember the extraordinary capacity to [[heal]], and to [[hope]], and to emerge from the most painful moments and a bitter, bitter version of ourselves, but to make a better version of ourselves. | author = Joe Biden }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:14, 19 June 2023 (UTC) --> ; 2024 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> -->Irresponsibility is part of the [[pleasure]] of [[all]] [[art]]; it is the part the schools cannot recognize. | author = Pauline Kael }} :* proposed by [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]]<!-- * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]], 1 June 2006 * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:16, 24 April 2008 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) * 3 [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 22:16, 21 May 2024 (UTC) --> ; 2025 {{quote of the day | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Knowledge]] of the first [[principles]], like [[space]], [[time]], [[motion]], [[number]], is as solid as any derived through [[reason]], and it is on such knowledge, coming from the [[heart]] and [[instinct]], that reason has to depend and base all its [[arguments]]. | author = [[Blaise Pascal]] ~<br /> in <br />~ ''[[Pensées]]'' }} :* proposed by [[User:Kalki|Kalki]]<!-- * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:41, 18 June 2025 (UTC) <s> 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. </s> --> ; 2026 : ''[[June 19|Rank or add further suggestions…]]'' ---- <noinclude> {{QOTD Ranking}} ---- ---- == Suggestions == I loved writing about things when I was excited about them... It's painful writing about the bad things in an art form, particularly when young kids are going to be enthusiastic about those things, because they haven't seen anything better, or anything different. ~ [[Pauline Kael]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:02, 18 June 2007 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:54, 18 June 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:16, 24 April 2008 (UTC) ---- The recurrence of certain themes in movies suggests that each generation wants romance restated in slightly new terms, and of course it’s one of the pleasures of movies as a popular art that they can answer this need. ~ [[Pauline Kael]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:02, 18 June 2007 (UTC) * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:54, 18 June 2007 (UTC) * 2 [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:16, 24 April 2008 (UTC) ---- When you clean them up, when you make movies respectable, you kill them. The wellspring of their art, their greatness, is in not being respectable ~ [[Pauline Kael]] * 2 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) <s>3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 22:02, 18 June 2007 (UTC)</s> * 3 [[User:InvisibleSun|InvisibleSun]] 22:54, 18 June 2007 (UTC) * 3 because beauty is found only in the original product. [[User:Zarbon|Zarbon]] 04:16, 24 April 2008 (UTC) ---- The truest lengthening of life is to live while we live, wasting no time but using every hour for the highest ends. So be it this day. ~ [[Charles Spurgeon]] * 3 [[User:Kalki|Kalki]] 19:00, 18 June 2009 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Revolutions generally reflect the irresistible impulse for necessary changes which have been held back by official policies or retarded by social apathy. The institutions and practices of democracy provide ways and means by which such changes could be effected without recourse to violence. But change is anathema to authoritarianism, which will tolerate no deviation from rigid policies. Democracy acknowledges the right to differ as well as the duty to settle differences peacefully. Authoritarian governments see criticism of their actions and doctrines as a challenge to combat. Opposition is equated with 'confrontation', which is interpreted as violent conflict. Regimented minds cannot grasp the concept of confrontation as an open exchange of major differences with a view to settlement through genuine dialogue. The insecurity of power based on coercion translates into a need to crush all dissent. Within the framework of liberal democracy, protest and dissent can exist in healthy counterpart with orthodoxy and conservatism, contained by a general recognition of the need to balance respect for individual rights with respect for law and order. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Each man has in him the potential to realize the truth through his own will and endeavour and to help others to realize it. Human life therefore is infinitely precious. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Revered monks and people. This public rally is aimed at informing the whole world of the will of the people... Our purpose is to show that the entire people entertain the keenest desire for a multiparty democratic system of government. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = While a private individual may be bound only by the formal vows that he makes, those who govern should be wholly bound by the truth in thought, word and deed. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Hope and optimism are irrepressible but there is a deep underlying premonition that the opposition to change is likely to be vicious. Often the anxious question is asked: will such an oppressive regime really give us democracy? And the answer has to be: democracy, like liberty, justice and other social and political rights, is not 'given', it is earned through courage, resolution and sacrifice. | author = Aung San Suu Kyi }} * 3 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 16:31, 13 June 2014 (UTC) with a very strong lean toward 4. ---- {{quote of the day | quote = Juneteenth has never been a celebration of victory, or an acceptance of the way things are. It's a celebration of progress. It's an affirmation that despite the most painful parts of our history, change is possible –– and there is still so much work to do. | author = Barack Obama }} * 4 <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:55, 18 June 2026 (UTC); in regard of the Juneteenth public opening of his Presidential Center. ---- <noinclude> <!-- interwiki start --> <!-- interwiki end --> </noinclude> r8wmh1psxcwns9jxrq2k2u0vhkh75aw 0 32556 3954363 3953661 2026-06-19T08:27:04Z GrimRob 1187925 Formatting 3954363 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup|2018-09-11}} [[File:National Park Service 9-11 Statue of Liberty and WTC fire.jpg|thumb|Should terrorists launch new attacks, we believe their preferred targets will be U.S. government facilities and national symbols, financial and transportation infrastructure nodes, or public gathering places. ~ National Intelligence Estimate]] The '''[[w:September 11 attacks|September 11 attacks]]''', most commonly referred to as '''9/11''' (pronounced "nine eleven"), were four coordinated [[w:Islamist terrorist|Islamist terrorist]] suicide attacks by [[al-Qaeda]] against the United States in 2001. [[w:Hijackers in the September 11 attacks#Hijackers|Nineteen terrorists]] hijacked four commercial airliners, crashing the first two into the Twin Towers of the [[w:World Trade Center (1973–2001)|World Trade Center]] in New York City and the third into [[the Pentagon]] (headquarters of the [[w:United States Department of Defense|US Department of Defense]]) in [[w:Arlington County, Virginia|Arlington County, Virginia]]. The [[United Airlines Flight 93|fourth plane]] crashed in a rural [[Pennsylvania]] field during a passenger revolt. The September 11 attacks killed 2,977 people, making it the deadliest terrorist attack in history. In response to the attacks, the United States waged the multi-decade global [[war on terror]] to eliminate hostile groups deemed terrorist organizations, as well as the foreign governments purported to support them. [[File:September 11 Photo Montage.jpg|thumb|The target of the terrorists was not only New York and Washington but the very values of freedom, tolerance and decency which underpin our way of life. ~ [[Tony Blair]] ]] [[File:National Park Service 9-11 Statue of Liberty and WTC.jpg|thumb|This [[enemy]] attacked not just our people, but all [[freedom]]-[[loving]] people everywhere in the world... ~ [[George W. Bush]] ]] [[File:FEMA - 3969 - Photograph by Andrea Booher taken on 09-19-2001 in New York.jpg|thumb|Each and every one of us has been shocked and numbed by what we have witnessed in these recent days. But none of us should doubt the resilience and determination of this great and much loved city and its people. Men and women from many nations, from many faiths and from many backgrounds were working together in New York City when this unimaginable outrage overtook them all. ~ [[Elizabeth II ]] ]] [[File:Flight 77 wreckage at Pentagon.jpg|thumb|What do I tell the pilots to do? ~ [[w:Barbara Olson|Barbara Olson]] ]] [[File:Dust covered 911 victims.jpg|thumb|The ruling to kill the Americans and their allies — civilians and military — is an individual duty for every Muslim who can do it in any country in which it is possible to do it. ~ World Islamic Front]] [[File:WTC collapse before and after.jpg|thumb|We have some planes. Just stay quiet and you will be okay. ~ [[w:Mohamed Atta|Mohamed Atta]] ]] [[File:LOC unattributed Ground Zero photos, September 11, 2001 - item 064.jpg|thumb|Nobody move, everything will be okay. If you try to make any moves you'll endanger yourself and the airplane. Just stay quiet. ~ Mohamed Atta]] [[File:Firefigher Smoke World Trade Center New York City 9 2001.jpg|thumb|The firefighters were not afraid to die for an idea. But the suicide killers belong in a different psychic category... ~ [[Martin Amis]] ]] [[File:September 14 2001 Ground Zero 02.jpg|thumb|Like all "acts of terrorism" (easily and unsubjectively defined as organised violence against civilians), September 11 was an attack on morality. ~ [[Martin Amis]] ]] [[File:Tribute in Light Memorial September 9 2004.jpg|thumb|America must have catharsis. We would hope that the response will be, above all, non-escalatory.]] [[File:WTC memorial lights.jpg|thumb|Our best destiny, as planetary cohabitants, is the development of what has been called "species consciousness" — something over and above nationalisms, blocs, religions, ethnicities. ~ [[Martin Amis]] ]] [[File:State Department Images WTC 9-11 Injured Fireman at the Memorial Service.jpg|thumb|We come back to this place to remember the heartbreaking anniversary — and each person who died here — those known and unknown to us, whose absence is always with us. ~ [[Martin Amis]]]] [[File:WTC-remnant_highres.jpg|thumb|The thing about 9/11 is that it’s basically an artwork in its own right. It was wicked, but it was devised in this way for this kind of impact. It was devised visually. <br> I think our visual language has been changed by what happened on September 11. An aeroplane becomes a weapon – and if they fly close to buildings, people start panicking. Our visual language is constantly changing in this way, and I think as an artist you’re constantly on the lookout for things like that. ~ [[Damien Hirst]]]] [[File:9-11_Wall_segment.jpg|thumb|What [[Rand Paul]] did today on the [[United States Senate|Senate]] was outrageous. He is a guy that put us in hundreds of billions of dollars in [[debt]].... And now he’s going to tell us that a billion dollars a year over 10 years is just too much for us to handle? You know, there are some things that they have no trouble putting on the [[w:Credit card|credit card]], but somehow when it comes to the [[w:9/11 first responder|9/11 first responder]] [[community]]—the [[cops]], the [[w:Firefighters|firefighters]], the [[w:Construction workers|construction workers]], the [[volunteers]], the [[survivors]]—all of a sudden, man, we’ve got to go through this. ~ [[Jon Stewart]]]] [[File:Anti Trump immigration protest in Baltimore DSC 6631 %2832445497342%29.jpg|thumb|Many Arabs believe it was a Mossad plot to give the Arabs a dirty name. ~ Ephraim Halevy ]] == Quotes == <small>(Sorted alphabetically by author/source)</small> *'''[[Ziad Jarrah|[Ziad] Jarrah]]'s objective was to crash his airliner into symbols of the American Republic, the [[United States Capitol|Capitol]] or the [[White House]]. He was defeated by the alerted, unarmed passengers of United 93.''' **[[s:9/11 Commission Report|9/11 Commission Report]] * The [[w:assassination_of_Archduke_Franz_Ferdinand|assassination of the Austrian crown prince]] by [[Gavrilo Princip|a Serbian nationalist]] was the trigger for the conflict, not the underlying cause, comparable in modern times to the explosions of 9/11 that provided the pretext for the [[Iraq War|war on Iraq]], the destruction of [[Libya]], [[Syria]] and the [[Yemen]] and the total destabilisation of [[Afghanistan]] and [[Pakistan]]. '''The [[War on terror|post 9/11 wars]] have lasted longer than the [[World War I|First]] and [[World War II|Second Wars]] put together.''' ** [[Tariq Ali]], ''The Dilemmas of Lenin: Terrorism, War, Empire, Love, Revolution'' (2017) * '''Like all "acts of terrorism" (easily and unsubjectively defined as organised violence against civilians), September 11 was an attack on [[morality]]: we felt a general deficit.''' Who, on September 10, was expecting by Christmastime to be reading unscandalised editorials in the Herald Tribune about the pros and cons of using [[torture]] on captured "enemy combatants"? Who expected [[United Kingdom|Britain]] to renounce the doctrine of nuclear no-first-use? '''Terrorism undermines morality. Then, too, it undermines reason.''' … No, you wouldn't expect such a massive world-historical jolt, which will reverberate for centuries, to be effortlessly absorbed. But the suspicion remains that America is not behaving rationally — that America is behaving like someone still in shock. ** [[Martin Amis]] in [http://www.globalpolicy.org/wtc/analysis/2003/0304palace.htm "The Palace of the End" -''The Guardian'' (4 March 2003)] * '''What happened on September 11? On September 11 — what happened?''' Picture this: two upended matchboxes, knocked over by the sheer force of paper-darts.<br> '''Only it was much, much worse than that. In fact, words alone cannot adduce how much worse it was than that. September 11 was an attack on words: we felt a general deficit.''' And with words destroyed, we had to make do, we had to bolster truth with colons and repetition: not only repetition: but repetition and: colons. This is what we adduce. ** [[Martin Amis]] in [http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/custom?q=cache:hZVARej7mn0J:www.martinamisweb.com/documents/world_explanation.doc&hl=en&gl=uk&ct=clnk&cd=1&ie=UTF-8&client=pub-4015880282924246 "The world: an explanation" in ''The Daily Telegraph'' (8 March 2003)] * '''It was the advent of the second plane, sharking in low over the [[Statue of Liberty]]: that was the defining moment.''' Until then, America thought she was witnessing nothing more serious than the worst aviation disaster in history; now she had a sense of the fantastic vehemence ranged against her. … '''For those thousands in the south tower, the second plane meant the end of everything. For us, its glint was the worldflash of a coming future.''' <br> Terrorism is political communication by other means. The message of September 11 ran as follows: America, it is time you learned how implacably you are hated. United Airlines Flight 175 was an [[w:Intercontinental_Ballistic_Missile|Intercontinental Ballistic Missile]] aimed at her innocence. That innocence, it was here being claimed, was a luxurious and anachronistic delusion. ** [[Martin Amis]] in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4259170,00.html "Fear and loathing" - ''The Guardian'' (18 September 2001)] * '''Our best destiny, as planetary cohabitants, is the development of what has been called "species consciousness" — something over and above [[Nationalism|nationalisms]], blocs, [[Religion|religions]], [[Ethnicity|ethnicities]].''' During this week of incredulous misery, I have been trying to apply such a consciousness, and such a sensibility. Thinking of the victims, the perpetrators, and the near future, I felt species grief, then species shame, then species fear. ** [[Martin Amis]] in [http://www.guardian.co.uk/Archive/Article/0,4273,4259170,00.html "Fear and loathing" - ''The Guardian'' (18 September 2001)] * September 11 was a day of de-Enlightenment. Politics stood revealed as a veritable [[w:Walpurgis Night|Walpurgis Night]] of the irrational. And such old, old stuff. The conflicts we now face or fear involve opposed geographical arenas, but also opposed centuries or even millennia. It is a landscape of ferocious anachronisms: [[Nuclear war|nuclear jihad]] in the [[South Asia|Indian subcontinent]]; the medieval [[w:Agonism|agonism]] of [[Islam]]; the [[w:Bronze_Age|Bronze Age]] blunderings of the [[Middle East|Middle East.]] … The champions of [[Islamic terrorism|militant Islam]] are, of course, [[Misogyny|misogynists]], woman-haters; they are also misologists — haters of reason. Their armed doctrine is little more than a chaotic penal code underscored by impotent dreams of [[genocide]]. And, like all religions, it is a massive agglutination of stock response, of cliches, of inherited and unexamined formulations. ** [[Martin Amis]] in [http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,725608,00.html "The voice of the lonely crowd" - ''The Guardian,'' (1 June 2002)] * '''We have entered the third millennium through a gate of fire.''' If today, after the horror of 11 September, we see better, and we see further — we will realize that humanity is indivisible. New threats make no distinction between races, nations or regions. A new insecurity has entered every mind, regardless of wealth or status. A deeper awareness of the bonds that bind us all — in pain as in prosperity — has gripped young and old. ** [[Kofi Annan]], in his [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/2001/annan-lecture.html Nobel lecture in Oslo, Norway (10 December 2001)] * [Terrorists] didn’t get that idea from my opera, don’t worry. They got the idea from ''[[Star Wars]]''. Remember the [[Star Wars (film)|first one]]? Two guys fly a plane in the middle of something and blow that up? The only difference is, in ‘Star Wars,’ they get away. ** [[Margaret Atwood]], [https://www.indiewire.com/2018/04/margaret-atwood-9-11-terrorist-attacks-star-wars-1201950999/ "Margaret Atwood Says Terrorists ‘Got the Idea’ for 9/11 Attacks From ‘Star Wars’"], Zack Sharf, ''Indiewire'', (Apr 10, 2018). * Knowing that he was close to death at the age of 34, he asked that an autopsy be performed after his death to determine whether his pulmonary fibrosis was a result of his time at the World Trade Center site. <br> Detective Zadroga’s autopsy revealed that his lungs were full of ground glass and noxious chemicals. The WTC dust that he breathed in contained asbestos, benzene, jet fuel and other carcinogens. Detective Zadroga’s death was the first to be officially linked to the toxins present at the World Trade Center. <br> [[New York City]] firefighters and police officers who responded that day, and/or worked on the debris pile afterwards, lost an average of 12 year’s lung capacity. They were not the only ones breathing in that air. Residents, office workers, construction workers removing the debris, and students and teachers were all exposed to the same toxins. * I fear that this is only the tip of the iceberg. There were approximately 400,000 students, teachers, residents, office workers, responders and volunteers in Lower Manhattan on 9/11, and during the eight months following the attacks, when the air was thick with carcinogens. <br> Unfortunately, only 80,000 have registered with the WTC Health Program, which provides free annual medical screenings and health care to those certified with 9/11-related illnesses. Should these screenings detect cancers or other illnesses, survivors are eligible for compensation and long-term health care. ** Michael Barasach, [http://thehill.com/opinion/healthcare/363625-forgotten-victims-of-9-11-are-developing-cancer-at-alarming-rates "Forgotten victims of 9/11 are developing cancer at alarming rates"], ''The Hill'', (10/07/17) * What happened on 11 September was without parallel in the bloody history of [[terrorism]]. Within a few hours, up to 7000 people were annihilated, the commercial centre of New York was reduced to rubble and in Washington and Pennsylvania further death and horror on an unimaginable scale. Let no one say this was a blow for [[Islam]] when the blood of innocent Muslims was shed along with those of the [[Christianity|Christian]], [[Judaism|Jewish]] and other faiths around the world. ** [[Tony Blair]], [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/2001/oct/02/labourconference.labour6 Address to the 2001 Labour Party Conference], (7 October 2001) * '''September 11 was, and remains, above all an immense human tragedy. But September 11 also posed a momentous and deliberate challenge not just to America but to the world at large. The target of the terrorists was not only New York and [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] but the very values of freedom, tolerance and decency which underpin our way of life.''' ** [[Tony Blair]], as quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/2251406.stm "Attacks remembered: In quotes" at ''BBC News'' (11 September 2002)] * I thought the [[brain]] could rule over the legs. And I thought the brain was white and the legs were yellow or brown. And I thought I could rule with my brain—and even if I cut my legs off—I would find cheap legs in other parts of the world. But now I am a mutilated body. I lost my legs in [[Korean War|Korea]]. I lost my arms in [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]]. I lost my head in [[Gulf War|Kuwait]]. I lost my torso in the World Trade Center. ** [[Giannina Braschi]], ''United States of Banana'', AmazonCrossing, Seattle, September, 2011 ** Barney Rosset, The Evergreen Review, 50th Anniversary edition, New York, 2010. Michael Somoroff, documentary video, United States of Banana, New York, September 2011.[http://www.michaelsomoroff.com/?ac=unitedstatesofbanana]. * Unburied bodies have unsettled matters—and they stink. The bodies of Polyneices and of Polonius and of Zarathustra’s tightrope walker and of the workers in the World Trade Centers lay stinking in the starry night. They still want to be paid, and they need retribution, vengeance, grudges, memories, teeth, the grinding of teeth, and muttering of curses. We need a legion of gravediggers, architects, and engineers with good faith to build cemeteries for these bodies in the ruins of the World Trade Center. Tony Blair and George Bush declared they would create a new world order out of the ruins of the World Trade Center. But they created chaos and anarchy because instead of burying the bodies they hold grudges of the ghost of vengeance. ** [[Giannina Braschi]], ''United States of Banana'', AmazonCrossing, Seattle, September 2011. * When those two towers fell, I felt a [[Dentistry|dentist]] had pulled out my two front teeth. I could not laugh anymore. And I have the smile of a smiling damned villain. But I also felt the hole in my mouth became a garage, and entering that garage were terrorists in trucks full of explosives and [[France|French]] diplomats—to fuck us more with other nations—to run over our dead bodies. ** [[Giannina Braschi]] in "United States of Banana" (AmazonCrossing 2011). *'''What we have here is a war--the war of matter and spirit... The war of [[Banking|banks]] and religion. Banks are the temples of America. This is a holy war. Our economy is our religion.''' ** [[Giannina Braschi]], remarks published in "United States of Banana" and discussed on New York 1 TV. NY1 TV, New York 2011 [http://www.ny1noticias.com/content/principales/pura_politica/149439/giannina-braschi-habla-de-su-novela--united-states-of-banana]. The Economist Book of Business Quotations, editor Bill Ridgers, John Wiley, New York, July 2012. * I want to reassure the American people that the full resources of the [[Federal government of the United States|federal government]] are working to assist local authorities to save lives and to help the victims of these attacks. Make no mistake: The United States will hunt down and punish those responsible for these cowardly acts. <br> I've been in regular contact with the [[Dick Cheney|Vice President]], the [[Donald Rumsfeld|Secretary of Defense]], the national security team and [[Presidency of George W. Bush|my Cabinet]]. We have taken all appropriate security precautions to protect the American people. Our military at home and around the world is on high alert status, and we have taken the necessary security precautions to continue the functions of your government. <br> We have been in touch with the leaders of [[United States Congress|Congress]] and with world leaders to assure them that we will do whatever is necessary to protect America and Americans. <br> I ask the American people to join me in saying a thanks for all the folks who have been fighting hard to rescue our fellow citizens and to join me in saying a prayer for the victims and their families. ** [[George W. Bush]] [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Remarks_Upon_Arrival_at_Barksdale_Air_Force_Base Remarks Upon Arrival at Barksdale Air Force Base] (11 September 2001). * They hate what they see right here in this chamber: a [[Democracy|democratically]] elected government. Their leaders are self-appointed. '''They hate our freedoms: our freedom of religion, our freedom of speech, our freedom to vote and assemble and disagree with each other.''' ** [[George W. Bush]], address to joint session of Congress (20 September 2001). * Now, the American people have got to go about their business. We cannot let the terrorists achieve the objective of frightening our nation to the point where we don't conduct business, where people don't shop. ** [[George W. Bush]], press conference (11 October 2001), in ''Public papers of the Presidents of the United States, 2001''. * How do I respond when I see that in some Islamic countries there is vitriolic hatred for America? I'll tell you how I respond: I'm amazed. I'm amazed that there is such misunderstanding of what our country is about, that people would hate us. I am like most Americans. I just can't believe it, because I know how good we are, and we've got to do a better job of making our case. We've got to do a better job of explaining to the people in the Middle East, for example, that we don't fight a war against [[Islam]] or [[Muslim|Muslims]]. We don't hold any religion accountable. We're fighting evil. ** [[George W. Bush]], press conference (11 October 2001), in ''Public papers of the Presidents of the United States, 2001''. * Ladies and gentlemen, this is a difficult moment for America. I, unfortunately, will be going back to [[Washington, D.C.|Washington]] after my remarks. Secretary Rod Paige and the Lt. Governor will take the podium and discuss education. I do want to thank the folks here at Booker Elementary School for their hospitality. <br> Today we've had a national tragedy. Two airplanes have crashed into the World Trade Center in an apparent terrorist attack on our country. I have spoken to the Vice President, to the Governor of New York, to the [[Robert Mueller|Director of the FBI]], and have ordered that the full resources of the federal government go to help the victims and their families, and to conduct a full-scale investigation to hunt down and to find those folks who committed this act. <br> Terrorism against our nation will not stand.<br> And now if you would join me in a moment of silence. May God bless the victims, their families, and America. Thank you very much. ** [[George W. Bush]], [[s:Remarks After Two Planes Crash Into World Trade Center|Remarks after plane crashes]] (11 September 2001). * '''I can hear you!''' I can hear you, the rest of the world hears you. And the people who knocked these buildings down will hear all of us soon! ** [[George W. Bush]], [http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRANSCRIPTS/0109/14/se.55.html impromptu speech] given at Ground Zero at WTC site ([[September 14]], [[2001]]). * '''This enemy attacked not just our people, but all freedom-loving people everywhere in the world. The United States of America will use all our resources to conquer this enemy. We will rally the world. We will be patient, we will be focused, and we will be steadfast in our determination.… we will not allow this enemy to win the war by changing our way of life or restricting our freedoms.''' ** [[George W. Bush]], remarks following a meeting with the national security team (12 September 2001), in ''Public papers of the Presidents of the United States, 2001''. * [9/11] was very significant, a major terrorist act, thousands of people killed...It’s the first time since the [[w:War_of_1812|War of 1812]] that U.S. territory had been attacked. The United States has had remarkable security, and therefore was, aside from the horrible atrocity, a very significant, historical event. And it changed [[Politics of the United States|attitudes and policies in the United States]] quite considerably. And in reaction to this, the government was able to ram through laws that sharply constrained [[civil liberties]]. It was able to provide pretexts for the [[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|invasion of Afghanistan]], [[Iraq War|invasion of Iraq]] — the destruction of Iraq, with consequences that spread through the region. And it’s the basis for [[Barack Obama|Obama]]’s massive terrorist war, the drone war, the most extreme terrorist campaign that’s underway now, maybe most extreme in history, and the justification for it is the same: the second 9/11, 9/11/2001. So, yes, it’s had enormous effects on society, on attitudes, on policies. Many victims throughout the world can testify to that. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2013/9/11/chomsky_on_9_11_syrias_bloody Chomsky on 9/11, Syria’s “Bloody Partition” and Why U.S. Role Ensures Failure of Mideast Talks, ''Democracy Now!''] (11 September 2013) * September 11 shocked many Americans into an awareness that they had better pay much closer attention to what the US government does in the world and how it is perceived. Many issues have been opened for discussion that were not on the agenda before. That's all to the good. It is also the merest sanity, if we hope to reduce the likelihood of future atrocities. '''It may be comforting to pretend that our enemies "hate our freedoms," as President Bush stated, but it is hardly wise to ignore the real world''', which conveys different lessons. '''The president is not the first to ask: "Why do they hate us?"''' In a staff discussion 44 years ago, '''President [[Dwight D. Eisenhower|Eisenhower]] described "the campaign of hatred against us''' [in the [[Arab world]]], '''not by the [[Government|governments]] but by the people". His [[w:United States National Security Council|National Security Council]] outlined the basic reasons: the US supports [[Corruption|corrupt]] and oppressive governments and is "opposing political or economic progress" because of its interest in controlling the oil resources of the region. ...What they hate is official policies that deny them freedoms to which they aspire.''' ** [[Noam Chomsky]], ''The Guardian'', September 9, 2002 [http://www.chomsky.info/articles/20020909.htm]. * You see, essentially, '''you cannot win the war on terror by military force. It is first and foremost a battle of ideas.''' It is secondly a [[law enforcement]] effort and a cooperative effort among [[nations]]. And only as a last resort do you use [[military]] force. This [[President of the United States|president]] has distorted the capabilities of the [[United States Armed Forces]]. He’s used [[Soldiers|our men and women in uniform]] improperly in Guantanamo and engaged in actions that I think are totally against the [[w:Uniform_Code_of_Military_Justice|Uniform Code of Military Justice]] and against what we stand for as the American people. ** [[Wesley Clark]], ''Democracy Now!'' — Gen. Wesley Clark Weighs Presidential Bid: “I Think About It Every Day”, (2 March 2007) * About 10 days after 9/11, I went through [[the Pentagon]], and I saw Secretary Rumsfeld and Deputy Secretary Wolfowitz. I went downstairs just to say hello to some of the people on the joint staff who used to work for me, and one of the generals called me in. He said, “Sir, you’ve got to come in and talk to me a second.” I said, “Well, you’re too busy.” He said, “No, no.” He says, “We’ve made the decision we’re going to war with Iraq.” This was on or about the 20th of September. I said, “We’re going to war with Iraq? Why?” He said, “I don’t know.” He said, “I guess they don’t know what else to do.” So I said, “Well, did they find some information connecting Saddam to al-Qaeda?” He said, “No, no.” He says, “There’s nothing new that way. They just made the decision to go to war with Iraq.” He said, “I guess it’s like we don’t know what to do about terrorists, but we’ve got a good military and we can take down governments... I guess if the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem has to look like a nail.”... he said, “This is a memo that describes how we’re going to take out seven countries in five years, starting with Iraq, and then [[Syria]], [[Lebanon]], [[Libya]], [[Somalia]], [[Sudan]] and, finishing off, [[Iran]].” I said, “Is it classified?” He said, “Yes, sir.” I said, “Well, don’t show it to me.” ** [[Wesley Clark]], quoted in [https://www.democracynow.org/2013/9/11/chomsky_on_9_11_syrias_bloody Chomsky on 9/11, Syria’s “Bloody Partition” and Why U.S. Role Ensures Failure of Mideast Talks, ''Democracy Now!''] (11 September 2013) * After the World Trade Center was bombed by [[Islamic fundamentalism|Islamic fundamentalists]] in 1993, the country quickly chalked it up to a zany one-time attack and five minutes later decided we were all safe again. We weren't. We aren't now. They will strike again. Perhaps they will wait another eight years. But perhaps not. The enemy is in this country right now. And any terrorists who are not already here are free to immigrate. ** [[Ann Coulter]], "Future Widows of America: Write your congressman," in ''Jewish World Review'', September 2001. * We know who the homicidal maniacs are. They are the ones cheering and dancing right now. <br> We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and [[Forced conversion|convert them]] to [[Christianity]]. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and his top officers. We carpet-bombed [[Germany|German]] cities; we [[Civilian casualties|killed civilians]]. That's war. And this is war. ** [[Ann Coulter]], in [http://townhall.com/columnists/AnnCoulter/2001/09/14/this_is_war/page/full/ "This Is War" (12 September 2001)] * My last vestige of "hands-off religion" respect disappeared in the smoke and choking dust of September 11, 2001, followed by the "National Day of Prayer", when prelates and pastors did their tremulous [[Martin Luther King, Jr.|Martin Luther King]] impersonation and urged people of mutually incompatible faiths to hold hands, united in homage to the very force that caused the problem in the first place. ** [[Richard Dawkins]], {{cite book | chapter = Time to Stand Up | title = A Devil's Chaplain | year = 2003 | isbn = 9780297829737 | ol = 19062512M}} * '''You come together today in St Thomas church in New York united in sorrow by the terrible events of last week. Each and every one of us has been shocked and numbed by what we have witnessed in these recent days. But none of us should doubt the resilience and determination of this great and much loved city and its people. Men and women from many nations, from many faiths and from many backgrounds were working together in New York City when this unimaginable outrage overtook them all.''' ** [[Elizabeth II ]], Message from the Queen, read by the British ambassador to Washington, Sir Christopher Meyer, St Thomas's Episcopal Church on Fifth Avenue in New York City. 22 September 2001. [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/1341155/Grief-is-price-of-love-says-the-Queen.html] Source 1: The Telegraph (September 21, 2001): Grief is price of love, says the Queen. By David Sapsted, Peter Foster and George Jones in New York. [https://web.archive.org/web/20230125173606/http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/1341155/Grief-is-price-of-love-says-the-Queen.html Archived] [http://From from] [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/1341155/Grief-is-price-of-love-says-the-Queen.html the original] on July 7, 2013 and January 25, 2023. and Source 2: The Guardian (September 21, 2021): Text of the Queen's message to New York. [https://web.archive.org/web/20230202052358/https://www.theguardian.com/world/2001/sep/21/september11.usa12 Archived] [http://From from] [http://The the] [http://Original original] on February 2, 2023 and May 17, 2023. * And at that point, we were taken for another round of questioning, this time related to our allegedly being members of Mossad. Nothing of the kind, the fact of the matter is, we are coming from a country that experiences terror daily. '''Our purpose was to document the event.''' ** Oded Ellner, November 2001, on Israeli talk show with Yair Lapid, confirmed [https://web.archive.org/web/20020802194310/http://abcnews.go.com/sections/2020/DailyNews/2020_whitevan_020621.html 21 June 2002 by ABC News, archived 2 August 2002 by Wayback] * This 7th day of September 2001. The Florida National Guard has the statutory responsibility to provide support to law-enforcement personnel and emergency-management personnel in the event of civil disturbances or natural disasters; <br/>Section 3.<br>The Florida National Guard may order selected members on to state active duty for service to the State of Florida pursuant to Section 250.06(4), Florida Statutes, to assist FDLE in performing port security training and inspections. '''Based on the potential massive damage to life and property that may result from an act of terrorism at a Florida port, the necessity to protect life and property from such acts of terrorism''', and inhibiting the [[Illegal drug trade|smuggling of illegal drugs]] into the [[Florida|State of Florida]], the use of the Florida National Guard to support FDLE in accomplishing port security training and inspections is "extraordinary support to [[Law enforcement in the United States|law enforcement]]" as used in Section 250.06(4), Florida Statutes. ** [http://sun6.dms.state.fl.us/eog_new/eog/orders/2001/september/eo2001-261-09-07-01.html Florida EXECUTIVE ORDER NUMBER 01-261] * [T]he twenty-first century truly began on September 11, 2001, ten years later, when planes slammed into the World Trade Center. ** [[George Friedman]], [https://www.amazon.com/Next-100-Years-Forecast-Century/dp/038551705X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1498628991&sr=1-1 ''The Next 100 Years: A Forecast for the 21st Century''], p. 32 * During the 1990s, the [[Middle East]] had witnessed a decade of relative calm, in part thanks to the détente between [[Iran]] and [[Saudi Arabia]] but also as a result of [[w:Pax_Americana|Pax Americana]]—post–[[Cold War]], the United States was the unchallenged hegemon. The Saudi-Iran rapprochement had yielded more than anyone expected, including a security agreement. When [[w:Sultan_bin_Abdulaziz|Saudi Arabia’s defense minister]] visited Tehran in May 1999, [[w:Ali_Shamkhani|his Iranian counterpart]] declared: “The sky’s the limit for Iranian–Saudi Arabian relations and cooperation as the whole of [[Armed Forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Iran’s military might]] is in the service of our Saudi Muslim brothers.” President [[Bill Clinton]] was basking in the glory of a unipolar world and America was prospering as the indispensable nation. Throughout his [[President of the United States|presidency]] and until his very last months in power, Clinton was working on [[Arab-Israeli conflict|peace between Arabs and Israelis]]—succeeding only with the [[Jordan|Jordanians]]. Even though people like [[w:Nasr_Abu_Zayd|Nasr]] in [[Egypt]] had their lives upended, [[Iraq]] was under [[United Nations|UN]] [[embargo]], and [[bombs]] had gone off in the Saudi kingdom, the decade carried some promise. It all came to an end on 9/11. President George W. Bush went to war against the Taliban, who were sheltering Osama bin Laden. After liberating Afghanistan, America declared a global war on terror, a frenzy of liberation. Bush decided to finish what his father had begun—he went after [[Saddam Hussein|Saddam]]. ** [[w:Kim Ghattas|Kim Ghattas]], ''Black Wave: Saudi Arabia, Iran, and the Forty-Year Rivalry That Unraveled Culture, Religion, and Collective Memory in the Middle East'' (2020) * Not one big success of the Mossad has ever been made public.The war on terror is the equivalent of [[World War III|World War Three]]. Osama bin laden? Halevy believes he is alive and well and living in northwest [[Pakistan]]. And there is an irony here. You may believe that bin Laden was behind Sept. 11, but '''millions of people in the [[Islamic world]] believe the man responsible was Halevy. Such is the reputation of the Mossad in the Middle East. Many Arabs believe it was a Mossad plot to give the Arabs a dirty name.''' ** Ephraim Halevy, [https://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/02/03/60II/main539186.shtml Spy Chief] (February 5, 2003) ''CBS News'' * The thing about 9/11 is that it’s basically an artwork in its own right. It was wicked, but it was devised in this way for this kind of impact. It was devised visually. <br> I think our visual language has been changed by what happened on September 11. An aeroplane becomes a weapon – and if they fly close to buildings, people start panicking. Our visual language is constantly changing in this way, and I think as an artist you’re constantly on the lookout for things like that. ** [[Damien Hirst]] as quoted in [https://www.telegraph.co.uk/film/batman-v-superman-dawn-of-justice/world-trade-centre-9-11-movies/ "From Cloverfield to Batman v Superman: how did the 9/11 terrorist attacks change cinema?"] by Robbie Collin, ''The Telegraph'', (21 March 2016). * Watching the towers fall in New York, with civilians incinerated on the planes and in the buildings, I felt something that I couldn't analyze at first and didn't fully grasp … until the day itself was nearly over. I am only slightly embarrassed to tell you that this was a feeling of exhilaration. Here we are then, I was thinking, in a war to the finish between everything I love and everything I hate. Fine. We will win and they will lose. A pity that we let them pick the time and place of the challenge, but we can and we will make up for that. ** [[Christopher Hitchens]], [http://hnn.us/article/1881 Interview with Jamie Glazov (23 December 2003)] * Isn't the use by America and some Western governments of their fire against others in the world including, or in the forefront of whom are the Arabs and the Muslims, one of the most important reasons of the lack of stability in the world at the present time? Isn't the evil inflicted on America in the act of September 11, 2001, and nothing else, a result of this and other acts? This is the main question and this is what the American administration along with of the Western governments or the Western public opinion should answer in the first place with serenity and responsibility, without emotional reaction and without the use of the same old methods that America used against the world. ** [[Saddam Hussein]], [http://www.wadinet.de/news/iraq/nw273_saddamopenletter.htm Open letter to the American peoples] (15 September 2001). *Over the last several months, '''the U.S. Government has learned that U.S. citizens and interests abroad may be at increased risk of a terrorist action from extremist groups. In addition, we have received unconfirmed information that terrorist actions may be taken against U.S. military facilities and/or establishments frequented by U.S. military personnel in [[South Korea|Korea]] and [[Japan]]. We are also concerned about information we received in May 2001 that American citizens may be the target of a terrorist threat from extremist groups with links to Usama Bin Ladin's AI-Qaida organization.''' In the past, such individuals have not distinguished between official and civilian targets. As always, we take this information seriously. U.S. Government facilities worldwide remain at a heightened state of alert. U.S. citizens planning to travel abroad should consult the [[United States Department of State|Department of State]]'s Public Announcements, Travel Warnings, Consular Information Sheets, and regional travel brochures, all of which are available at the Consular Affairs Internet website at http://travel.state.gov ** U.S. Embassy Tokyo - Japan [http://tokyo.usembassy.gov/txts/wwwt091001.txt PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT -Worldwide Caution - September 7, 2001] * Every Muslim, from the moment they realize the distinction in their hearts, [[Anti-Americanism|hates Americans]], [[Antisemitism in Islam|hates Jews]] and hates Christians. For as long as I can remember, I have felt tormented and at war, and have felt hatred and animosity for Americans. ** [[Osama bin Laden]], as quoted in ''Messages to the World : The Statements of Osama bin Laden'' (2005) by Bruce Lawrence <small> {{ISBN|1844670457}} </small> * If inciting people to do that is terrorism, and if killing those who kill our sons is terrorism, then let history be witness that we are terrorists. ** [[Osama bin Laden]] on the September 11, 2001 attacks, in [http://edition.cnn.com/interactive/world/0302/timeline.bin.laden.audio/content.6.html CNN broadcast of an interview] that Al-Jazeera conducted in October 2001 (31 January 2002). * I'm fighting so I can die a martyr and go to heaven to meet God. Our fight now is against the Americans. ** [[Osama bin Laden]] statement in ''al-Quds al-Arabi'', as quoted in "Bin Laden: I Didn't Do It" CBS News (12 September 2001); also at [http://www.positiveatheism.org/hist/quotes/scar_l.htm Positive Atheism's "Big List of Scary Quotes"], (May 2019) * We strongly condemn the events that happened in the United States at the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. We share the grief of all those who have lost their nearest and dearest in these incidents. All those responsible must be brought to justice. We want them to be brought to justice, and we want America to be patient and careful in their actions. ** Alex Strick van Linschoten, Felix Kuehn. ''Embassy of the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan in Islamabad'', (12 September 2001), as quoted in [https://books.google.com/books?isbn=0190934832 "The Taliban Reader: War, Islam and Politics in their Own Words"] edited by Alex Strick van Linschoten, Felix Kuehn, p.235, * I can't even think about this movie. I don't WANT to think about it because if I think about it '''I will have to face an ugly truth that has been gnawing through my head...'''<br> This started out as a documentary on [[gun]] [[violence]] in [[America]], but the largest mass murder in our history was just committed — without the use of a single gun! Not a single bullet fired! '''No bomb was set off, no missile was fired, no weapon (i.e., a device that was solely and specifically manufactured to kill humans) was used. A boxcutter! — I can't stop thinking about this. A thousand [[gun control]] [[laws]] would not have prevented this massacre.''' What am I doing? ** Michael Moore, {{cite web |title=Tears Down the West Side Highway |work=MichaelMoore.com |date=22 September 2001 |url=http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/mikes-letter/tears-down-the-west-side-highway}} * How about that McDonalds two blocks from Ground Zero? That's killed more people than the [[w:September 11 attacks|nineteen hijackers]]. ** [[Michael Moore]], [http://newsbusters.org/blogs/noel-sheppard/2010/09/18/michael-moore-mcdonalds-ground-zero-killed-more-people-9-11-hijackers#ixzz0zzGIpSLV On HBO's "Real Time"] (September 17, 2010) * This 'zeal for secrecy' I am talking about – and I have barely touched the surface – adds up to a victory for the terrorists. When they plunged those hijacked planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon three years ago this morning, they were out to hijack our Gross National Psychology. If they could fill our psyche with fear – as if the imagination of each one of us were Afghanistan and they were the Taliban – they could deprive us of the trust and confidence required for a free society to work. They could prevent us from ever again believing in a safe, decent or just world and from working to bring it about. By pillaging and plundering our peace of mind they could panic us into abandoning those unique freedoms – freedom of speech, freedom of the press – that constitute the ability of democracy to self-correct and turn the ship of state before it hits the iceberg. ** [[Bill Moyers]], Speech to the Society of Professional Journalists, September 11, 2004. [http://www.spj.org/news.asp?ref=382] [[File:Reagan sitting with people from the Afghanistan-Pakistan region in February 1983.jpg|thumb|We're dealing with the sort of unintended consequences of that, and particularly because the United States didn't really properly clean up after it left Afghanistan. ~ Vali Nasr]] * They were recruiting, organizing schools which also use Islamic ideology as a way of creating a very efficient guerilla army with a very clear [[Anti-communism|anti-communist]] ideology [...] '''We're dealing with the sort of unintended consequences of that, and particularly because the United States didn't really properly clean up after it left Afghanistan.''' ** Vali Nasr, [https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/shows/saudi/analyses/madrassas.html Madrassas - Analysis], PBS. * '''Should terrorists launch new attacks, we believe their preferred targets will be U.S. Government facilities and national symbols, financial and transportation infrastructure nodes, or public gathering places.''' Civil aviation remains a particularly attractive target in light of the fear and publicity that the downing on an airline would evoke. **National Intelligence Estimate (1995), contained in the [[s:9/11 Commission Report|9/11 Commission Report]] (2004) p. 54. * Unlike Arafat's dictatorship, where he can do anything he wants and he calls the shots. And unfortunately, they are lethal shots. But you asked me principally about air power. Look at this country. Look at this country. It used F-16's -- and rightly so -- against Saddam's aggression against another country, Kuwait. It used F-16's against another dictatorship, Milosevic. And it bombed a lot of targets. And by the way, I think that America did the right thing. They did absolutely the right thing. '''But America's cities weren't targeted. Nobody was bombing Washington or New York. You didn't have just bombardments of Times Square or Macy's. You didn't have shoppers being blown up.''' ** Benjamin Netanyahu, ''Interview with Charlie Rose'' (May 2001) * I am certain that I speak on behalf of my entire nation when I say, today we are all Americans. In grief, as in defiance. ** [[Benjamin Netanyahu]], ''Statement on the September 11 attacks'' (20 September 2001), as quoted at the official site of [http://www.israelemb.org/US-Israel-Relations/US-Israel-Relations_famous.htm Israeli embassy] * There's something that I don't understand. '''I don't understand how we ended up invading a country that had nothing to do with 9/11''' while Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda are setting up basecamps in safe haven to train terrorists to attack us? That was Senator McCain judgement, it's wrong judgement, when Senator McCain was cheerleading the president to going into Iraq, he suggested 'it is going to be quick and easy,' we'll be 'great liberator' and that's the wrong judgement and it's been costly to us. ** [[Barack Obama]], ''US Presidential Debate'' (2008) * Thank God for 9/11. Thank God that, five years ago, the wrath of God was poured out upon this evil nation. America, land of the sodomite damned... The deadly events of 9/11 were direct outpourings of divine retribution, the immediate visitation of God's wrath and vengeance and punishment for America's horrendous sodomite sins. ** [[Fred Phelps]], leader of Westboro Baptist Church, in "9/11: God's Wrath Revealed" - ''[http://www.signmovies.net/videos/news/index.html WBC Video News]''. Westboro Baptist Church (8 September 2006). * I bow my head to the victims of terrorism. '''I am highly impressed of the courage of New York residents. The great city and the great [[United States|American nation]] are to win!''' ** [[Vladimir Putin|Vladimir V. Putin]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20031117142036/http://www.kremlin.ru/events/photos/2001/11/39974.shtml inscription at the World Trade Center Memorial Wall] (15 November 2001). * None of us need anniversaries to remind us of what we cannot forget. So it’s no more than co-incidence that I happen to be here, on American soil, in September – this month of dreadful anniversaries. Uppermost on everybody’s mind of course, particularly here in America, is the horror of what has come to be known as 9/11. Nearly three thousand civilians lost their lives in that lethal terrorist strike. The grief is still deep. The rage still sharp. The tears have not dried. And a strange, deadly war is raging around the world. Yet, each person who has lost a loved one surely knows secretly, deeply, that no war, no act of revenge, no daisy-cutters dropped on someone else’s loved ones or someone else’s children, will blunt the edges of their pain or bring their own loved ones back. War cannot avenge those who have died. War is only a brutal desecration of their memory. ** [[Arundhati Roy]], [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002) *'''To fuel yet another war – this time against Iraq – by cynically manipulating people’s grief, by packaging it for [[Television|TV]] specials sponsored by [[corporations]] selling detergent and running shoes, is to cheapen and devalue [[grief]], to drain it of meaning. What we are seeing now is a vulgar display of the business of grief, the commerce of grief, the pillaging of even the most private human feelings for political purpose. It is a terrible, violent thing for a State to do to its people.''' ** [[Arundhati Roy]], [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002) * Twenty-nine years ago, in [[Chile]], on the '''11th of September 1973''', [[Augusto Pinochet|General Pinochet]] overthrew the democratically elected government of [[Salvador Allende]] in a [[1973 Chilean coup d'état|CIA-backed coup]]. “Chile should not be allowed to go [[Marxism|Marxist]] just because its people are irresponsible,” said [[Henry Kissinger]], Nobel Peace Laureate, then the [[United States Secretary of State|U.S. Secretary of State]]... [[Guatemala]], [[w:Costa_Rica|Costa Rica]], [[Ecuador]], [[Brazil]], [[Peru]], the [[w:Dominican_Republic|Dominican Republic]], [[Bolivia]], [[Nicaragua]], [[Honduras]], [[Panama]], [[El Salvador]], [[Mexico]] and [[Colombia]] – they’ve all been the playground for covert – and overt – operations by the [[Central Intelligence Agency|CIA]]. Hundreds of thousands of [[Latin America|Latin Americans]] have been killed, tortured or have simply disappeared under the despotic regimes that were propped up in their countries... September 11th has a tragic resonance in the Middle East, too. On the 11th of September 1922, ignoring Arab outrage, the [[Government of the United Kingdom|British government]] proclaimed a mandate in [[Palestine]], a follow-up to the [[W: 1917 Balfour Declaration|1917 Balfour Declaration]] which [[British Empire|imperial Britain]] issued, with [[British Army|its army]] massed outside the gates of [[Gaza]]. The Balfour Declaration promised European [[Zionism|Zionists]] a national home for [[Judaism|Jewish]] people. (At the time, the Empire on which the Sun Never Set was free to snatch and bequeath national homes like a school bully distributes marbles.) ** [[Arundhati Roy]], [https://dharma-records.buddhasasana.net/texts/arundhati-roys-speech-come-september ''Come September'' Speech, Santa Fe, NM], (29 Sep 2002) [[File:Aerial view of the Pentagon during rescue operations post-September 11 attack.JPEG|thumb|Some might ask, how in the world could the Secretary of Defense attack the Pentagon in front of its people? ~ [[Donald Rumsfeld|Don Rumsfeld]] ]] * Some might ask, how in the world could the Secretary of Defense attack the Pentagon in front of its people? To them I reply, Today, I have no desire to attack the Pentagon; I want to liberate it. We need to save it from itself. ** [[Donald Rumsfeld|Don Rumsfeld]], ''"War On Bureaucracy" — Bureaucracy to Battlefield'': 9/10 Speech, (10 September 2001) * Middle East correspondent [[Robert Fisk]] was on the mark... in November 2002, he wrote, “Iraq had absolutely nothing to do with 11 September. If the United States invades Iraq, we should remember that.” On many psychological levels, the Bush team was able to manipulate post-9/11 emotions well beyond the phantom of Iraqi involvement in that crime against humanity. The dramatic changes in political climate after 9/11 included a drastic upward spike in the attitude—fervently stoked by the likes of Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney and the president—that our military should be willing to attack potential enemies before they might attack us. Few politicians or pundits were willing to confront the reality that this was a formula for perpetual war, and for the creation of vast numbers of new foes who would see a reciprocal logic in embracing such a credo themselves. President Bush’s national security adviser “felt the administration had little choice with Hussein,” reporter [[Bob Woodward]] recounted in mid-November 2002. A quote from [[Condoleezza Rice]] summed up the approach. “Take care of threats early.” Determining exactly what constitutes a threat—and how to “take care” of it—would be up to the eye of the beholder in the Oval Office. ** [[Norman Solomon]] in [http://www.coldtype.net/Assets.04/Essays.04/TARGET.IRAQ.pdf ''Target Iraq: What the News Media Didn't Tell You,'' p. 99 ] (2003) * What [[Rand Paul]] did today on the [[United States Senate|Senate]] was outrageous He is a guy that put us in hundreds of billions of dollars in [[debt]].... And now he’s going to tell us that a billion dollars a year over 10 years is just too much for us to handle? You know, there are some things that they have no trouble putting on the [[credit card]], but somehow when it comes to the [[w:9/11 first responder|9/11 first responder]] [[community]]—the [[cops]], the [[w:Firefighters|firefighters]], the [[w:Construction workers|construction workers]], the [[volunteers]], the [[survivors]]—all of a sudden, man, we’ve got to go through this. ** [[Jon Stewart]]; as qtd. in Laura Bradley, [https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2019/07/jon-stewart-rand-paul-911-bill-fox-news "Jon Stewart Returns to Fox News, Slams Rand Paul for Stalling 9/11 Victim Funding"], ''[[w:Vanity Fair (magazine)|Vanity Fair]]'', (July 18, 2019) * We now realize that the destruction of the Bamian Buddhas itself was a loud warning signal to the world of far greater devastation that was on the way. ** Belief and Bloodshed: Religion and Violence across Time and Tradition, James K. Wellman, Jr. [[File:Action_film_clapperboard.svg|thumb|Not only were the [[media]] bombarding us all the time with talk about the [[terrorist]] [[threat]]; this threat was also obviously [[libidinally]] invested — just remember the series of movies from ''[[Escape from New York]]'' to ''[[Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]''. That is the rationale of the often-mounted association of the attacks with [[Hollywood]] [[w:Disaster movies|disaster movies]]: the unthinkable which happened was the object of [[fantasy]], so that, in a way, [[America]] got what it fantasized about, and that was the biggest [[surprise]]. ~ [[Slavoj Žižek]]]] * Not only were the [[media]] bombarding us all the time with talk about the [[terrorist]] [[threat]]; this threat was also obviously [[libidinally]] invested — just remember the series of movies from ''[[Escape from New York]]'' to ''[[Independence Day (film)|Independence Day]]''. That is the rationale of the often-mounted association of the attacks with [[Hollywood]] [[w:Disaster movies|disaster movies]]: the unthinkable which happened was the object of [[fantasy]], so that, in a way, [[America]] got what it fantasized about, and that was the biggest [[surprise]]. ** [[Slavoj Žižek]] (2002). ''Welcome to the Desert of the Real!: Five Essays on September 11 and Related Dates.'' London: Verso, p. 15. {{ISBN|1859844219}}. ==== "Combined Joint Task Force 82 9/11 Memorial Ceremony" (September 11, 2007) ==== <small> Gregory Barbaccia, "Combined Joint Task Force 82 9/11 Memorial Ceremony" (September 11, 2007) </small> * The world that was behind me when I went into school that morning was gone forever, and the new one waiting for me that afternoon was wildly different. * Downtown Manhattan that day looked like exactly what it was, a war zone. * A layer of ash covered the streets and a cacophony of alarms refused to cease. I remember the 60 block walk home up the middle of 6th Avenue which was completely void of all traffic, except for sporadic rescue vehicles from neighboring counties with unfamiliar demarcations rushing downtown, their sirens piercing the eerie silence. Crowds of people gathered outside any establishment with a television, standing like statues in anesthetized silence. * From all points in Manhattan one could look to the South and see a huge plume of smoke hovering over the rubble where two towers once stood, two majestic American symbols representing both commerce in the free world and Democracy. Buildings that transcended width and height, real estate value and a prestigious office address. These towers spelled America, they spelled your name and mine. * The air was exceptionally thick with the smell of pungent smoke from smoldering rubble. * ... there was no discerning morning from afternoon, day from night. Just knowing that I was there to serve, I was there to show my gratitude, I was there to say yes, I believe. * I’ll never forget the acrid smell, the fearful and numbed look on people’s faces, the sounds and the sour taste in my mouth." * That morning terrorists gave their lives to cause those attacks. So here we stand, six years later, prepared to give ours to prevent further ones. ==== "9/11 LIVE: THE NORAD TAPES" (August 2006) ==== <small> Michael Bronner, [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2006/08/norad200608 "9/11 LIVE: THE NORAD TAPES"] ''Vanity Fair'', (August 2006). </small> * The story of what happened in that room, and when, has never been fully told, but is arguably more important in terms of understanding America's military capabilities that day than anything happening simultaneously on Air Force One or in the Pentagon, the White House, or norad's impregnable headquarters, deep within Cheyenne Mountain, in Colorado. It's a story that was intentionally obscured, some members of the 9/11 commission believe, by military higher-ups and members of the Bush administration who spoke to the press, and later the commission itself, in order to downplay the extent of the confusion and miscommunication flying through the ranks of the government. * For the neads crew, 9/11 was not a story of four hijacked airplanes, but one of a heated chase after more than a dozen potential hijackings—some real, some phantom—that emerged from the turbulence of misinformation that spiked in the first 100 minutes of the attack and continued well into the afternoon and evening. At one point, in the span of a single mad minute, one hears Nasypany struggling to parse reports of four separate hijackings at once. What emerges from the barrage of what Nasypany dubs "bad poop" flying at his troops from all directions is a picture of remarkable composure. Snap decisions more often than not turn out to be the right ones as commanders kick-start the dormant military machine. It is the fog and friction of war live—the authentic military history of 9/11. * [[Colin Powell|Powell]]'s question—"Is this real-world or exercise?"—is heard nearly verbatim over and over on the tapes as troops funnel onto the ops floor and are briefed about the hijacking. Powell, like almost everyone in the room, first assumes the phone call is from the simulations team on hand to send "inputs"—simulated scenarios—into play for the day's training exercise. <br> [[Boston]]'s request for fighter jets is not as prescient as it might seem. Standard hijack protocol calls for fighters to be launched—"scrambled"—merely to establish a presence in the air. The pilots are trained to trail the hijacked plane at a distance of about five miles, out of sight, following it until, presumably, it lands. If necessary, they can show themselves, flying up close to establish visual contact, and, if the situation demands, maneuver to force the plane to land. <br> At this point, certainly, the notion of actually firing anything at a passenger jet hasn't crossed anyone's mind. * Incredibly, Marr has only four armed fighters at his disposal to defend about a quarter of the continental United States. Massive cutbacks at the close of the [[Cold War]] reduced NORAD's arsenal of fighters from some 60 battle-ready jets to just 14 across the entire country. (Under different commands, the military generally maintains several hundred unarmed fighter jets for training in the continental U.S.) Only four of norad's planes belong to neads and are thus anywhere close to Manhattan—the two from Otis, now circling above the ocean off Long Island, and the two in [[Virginia]] at Langley. <br> Nasypany starts walking up and down the floor, asking all his section heads and weapons techs if they are prepared to shoot down a civilian airliner if need be, but he's jumping the gun: he doesn't have the authority to order a shootdown, nor does Marr or Arnold, or Vice President Cheney, for that matter. The order will need to come from President Bush, who has only just learned of the attack at a photo op in Florida. * It was the Friday before Memorial Day weekend, 2003, and the hearing room in the [[w:Hart_Senate_Office_Building|Hart Senate Office Building]], in Washington, was half empty as the group of mostly retired military brass arranged themselves at the witness table before the 9/11 commission. The story the norad officers had come to tell before the commission was a relatively humbling one, a point underscored by the questions commission chairman [[Thomas Kean]] introduced during his opening remarks: How did the hijackers defeat the system, and why couldn't we stop them? These were important questions. Nearly two years after the attack, the Internet was rife with questions and conspiracy theories about 9/11—in particular, where were the fighters? Could they have physically gotten to any of the hijacked planes? And did they shoot down the final flight, United 93, which ended up in a [[Pennsylvania]] field? * A former senior executive at the F.A.A., speaking to me on the condition that I not identify him by name, tried to explain. "Our whole procedures prior to 9/11 were that you turned everything [regarding a hijacking] over to the F.B.I.," he said, reiterating that hijackers had never actually flown airplanes; it was expected that they'd land and make demands. "There were absolutely no shootdown protocols at all. The F.A.A. had nothing to do with whether they were going to shoot anybody down. We had no protocols or rules of engagement." * Cheney echoed, "The significance of saying to a pilot that you are authorized to shoot down a plane full of Americans is, a, you know, it's an order that had never been given before." And it wasn't on 9/11, either. <br> President Bush would finally grant commanders the authority to give that order at 10:18, which—though no one knew it at the time—was 15 minutes after the attack was over. === ''Quotations of statements made during the events of September 11<sup>th</sup>, 2001.'' === * '''We have some planes. Just stay quiet and you will be okay.''' We are returning to the airport. Nobody move, everything will be okay. If you try to make any moves you'll endanger yourself and the airplane. Just stay quiet. ** [[w:Mohamed Atta|Mohamed Atta]], [[w:American Airlines Flight 11|American Airlines Flight 11]] hijacker pilot, heard on a radio transmission, while intending to send a message to the passengers, at 08:24, as quoted in [http://911research.wtc7.net/cache/planes/attack/guardian_haveplanes.html ''Guardian Unlimited'' (17 October 2001)] * Nobody move please, we are going back to the airport, don't try to make any stupid moves. ** Mohamed Atta, at 08:33, as quoted in ''Guardian Unlimited'' (17 October 2001). * Hello? We're looking in... We're overlooking the Financial Center. Three of us. Two broken windows. '''OH GOD! OH! —''' ** [[w:Kevin Cosgrove|Kevin Cosgrove]]'s [http://www.baltimoresun.com/features/bal-911story091006-story.html#page=6 last words before being killed in the WTC collapse]. * We may have a hijack. We have some problems over here right now. ** Air traffic controller, at 08:53, as quoted in ''Guardian Unlimited'' (17 October 2001). * '''Something is wrong. We are in a rapid descent... we are all over the place. … I see water. I see buildings. We are flying low. We are flying very, very low. We are flying way too low. … Oh my God, we are way too low... Oh my God, we're —''' ** Flight attendant [[w:Madeline Amy Sweeney|Madeline Amy Sweeney]], at the end of her phone call to a supervisor describing the hijacking of [[w:American Airlines Flight 11|American Airlines Flight 11]][http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/september-11-attacks/8754395/911-Voices-from-the-doomed-planes.html] * '''What do I tell the pilots to do?''' ** CNN commentator [[w:Barbara Olson|Barbara Olson]], passenger on [[w:American Airlines Flight 77|American Airlines Flight 77]], cell phone call to her husband, [[w:Solicitor General of the United States|Solicitor General]] [[w:Theodore Olson|Theodore Olson]]. [http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1340454/Barbara-Olson.html] * Holy shit, man. That's the other building. That's terrorists! '''That's terrorists, bro! That's fucking terrorists!''' ** Stephen Vigilante, (11 September 2001), [https://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=vwKQXsXJDX4 moments after the second tower was struck]. * '''Are you guys ready? Let's roll.''' ** [[w:Todd Beamer|Todd Beamer]], passenger on [[w:United Airlines Flight 93|United Airlines Flight 93]], last reported words from his cell phone call to [[w:Lisa D. Jefferson|Lisa D. Jefferson]], a GTC telephone switchboard operator. [http://old.post-gazette.com/headlines/20010916phonecallnat3p3.asp] * They're coming. ** [http://alanwdowd.com/Articles.aspx?ArticleId=387 Translation of a statement in Arabic reportedly heard in radio transmissions at the end of United Airlines Flight 93]. *'''NASYPANY''': Okay, Foxy. Plug in. I want to make sure this is on tape.… This is what—this is what I foresee that we probably need to do. We need to talk to F.A.A. We need to tell 'em if this stuff's gonna keep on going, we need to take those fighters on and then put 'em over Manhattan, O.K.? That's the best thing. That's the best play right now. So, coordinate with the F.A.A. Tell 'em if there's more out there, which we don't know, let's get 'em over Manhattan. At least we got some kinda play. ** As quoted in Michael Bronner, [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2006/08/norad200608 "9/11 LIVE: THE NORAD TAPES"] ''Vanity Fair'', (August 2006). *'''NASYPANY''': My recommendation, if we have to take anybody out, large aircraft, we use AIM-9s in the face.… If need be. ** As quoted in Michael Bronner, [https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2006/08/norad200608 "9/11 LIVE: THE NORAD TAPES"] ''Vanity Fair'', (August 2006). === The death of Osama bin Laden === :<small>Remarks of [[Barack Obama]] on the death of [[Osama bin Laden]] - [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2011/05/02/remarks-president-osama-bin-laden Whitehouse transcript and video (1 May 2011)]</small> * It was nearly ten years ago that a bright September day was darkened by the worst attack on the American people in our history. The images of 9/11 are seared into our national memory—hijacked planes cutting through a cloudless September sky; the Twin Towers collapsing to the ground, black smoke billowing up from the Pentagon; the wreckage of Flight 93 in Shanksville, Pennsylvania, where the actions of heroic citizens saved even more heartbreak and destruction. And yet we know the worse images were those that were unseen to the world. Children who were forced to grow up without their mother or their father. Parents who would never know the feeling of child's embrace. Nearly 3,000 citizens taken from us, leaving a hole in our hearts. *'''On [[September 11 attacks|September 11, 2001]], in our time of grief, the American people came together. We offered our neighbors a hand, and we offered the wounded our blood. We reaffirmed our ties to each other, and our love of community and country.''' On that day, no matter where we came from, what God we prayed to, or what race or ethnicity we were, we were united as one American family. <br> We were also united in our resolve to protect our nation and to bring those who committed this vicious attack to justice. We quickly learned that the 9/11 attacks were carried out by al Qaeda — an organization headed by Osama bin Laden, which had openly declared war on the United States and was committed to killing innocents in our country and around the globe. '''And so we went to war against al Qaeda to protect our citizens, our friends, and our allies.''' === 10th anniversary === [[File:Flight_paths_of_hijacked_planes-September_11_attacks.jpg|thumb|Ten years have passed since a perfect blue sky morning turned into the blackest of nights. Since then, we've lived in sunshine and in shadow, and although we can never unsee what happened here, we can also see that children who lost their parents have grown into young adults, grandchildren have been born and good works and public service have taken root to honor those we loved and lost. ~ [[Michael Bloomberg]]]] [[File:911_-_FEMA_-_WTC_impacts_%28graphic%29.svg|thumb|Never before in our history has America asked so much over such a sustained period of an all-volunteer force. So I can say without fear of contradiction or being accused of exaggeration, the 9/11 generation ranks among the greatest our nation has ever produced, and it was born — it was born — it was born right here on 9/11. ~ [[George W. Bush]]]] [[File:World_Trade_Center,_NY_-_2001-09-11_-_Debris_Impact_Areas.svg|thumb|These past 10 years underscore the bonds between all Americans. We have not succumbed to suspicion and mistrust. It will be said of us that we kept that faith; that we took a painful blow, and emerged stronger. ~ [[Barack Obama]]]] * Ten years have passed since a perfect blue sky morning turned into the blackest of nights. Since then, we've lived in sunshine and in shadow, and although we can never unsee what happened here, we can also see that children who lost their parents have grown into young adults, grandchildren have been born and good works and public service have taken root to honor those we loved and lost. ** [[Michael Bloomberg]], {{cite web|url=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44474533/ns/us_news-9_11_ten_years_later/#.Tm1PZez4hIE |title=Obama: America does not give in to fear |accessdate=[[September 11]], [[2011]]|date=[[September 11]], [[2011]] |work=msnbc.com }} * Never before in our history has America asked so much over such a sustained period of an all-volunteer force. So I can say without fear of contradiction or being accused of exaggeration, the 9/11 generation ranks among the greatest our nation has ever produced, and it was born — it was born — it was born right here on 9/11. ** [[George W. Bush]], {{cite web|url=http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/44474533/ns/us_news-9_11_ten_years_later/#.Tm1PZez4hIE |title=Obama: America does not give in to fear |accessdate=[[September 11]], [[2011]]|date=[[September 11]], [[2011]] |work=msnbc.com }} * These past 10 years underscore the bonds between all Americans. We have not succumbed to suspicion and mistrust. It will be said of us that we kept that faith; that we took a painful blow, and emerged stronger. ** [[Barack Obama]], {{cite web|url=http://www.cnn.com/2011/US/09/11/911.commemoration/index.html?hpt=hp_c1 |title=Nation looks ahead with hope after remembering 9/11 victims |accessdate=[[September 11]], [[2011]]|date=[[September 11]], [[2011]] |work=cnn.com }} * America has always been very visible... I'm still proud to be from the country that I'm from, I still love the country that I'm from. I'm still able to achieve great things here and I'm doing my best to do so. But, it's amazing. When we came together like that, when we put our differences aside and we declared war on the people that harmed us... When we got together to help the people and the families of the people that died on 9/11 it made me feel amazing. It made me feel patriotic, it made me feel strong, it made me love this country in a way that in all my years I'd never really loved it. You know? Because that's the America we all dream of. That's the America that we all want, this America that's strong, and powerful and strikes back when necessary. The sleeping giant that we were taught about in our history books, ready to just to just be the super-power that we need to be and having the best army in the world and wow. Wow. A congress and a president that'll work together, and what have we become? Eleven years later? Eleven years later we don't have those answers that we wanted from 9/11. We have most. We know who did it, we know why they did it. We know how they did it. There's [[conspiracy theories]] abound; the proof is pretty much there. But, we've done so much to gut ourselves. We've done so much to gut our freedoms... At the end of the day, the America that we could have been had we stayed on that path, the America that we could have been had we stayed together, had we worked hard to rebuild, to be better to be stronger, is a dream again. You know, and that's really sad... We're more divided than we've ever been, and that? That breaks my heart... You? If you're under the age of eighteen, you've never lived in an America like ours. You know? You've lived in a good country, don't get me wrong. You've lived in a fantastic country, one that's ailing right now, there's no arguing that. But, so close and yet? So far... I remember that American dream, and I just wonder. I wonder if America can ever be the same again. We'll see. ** Steven Williams, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JHfrce1Yd48 "Story Time With Boogie: September 11th, 2001"] (September 2012), YouTube [[File:War on Terror montage1.png|thumb|The explosions of 9/11 that provided the pretext for the war on Iraq, the destruction of Libya, Syria and the Yemen and the total destabilisation of Afghanistan and Pakistan. The post 9/11 wars have lasted longer than the First and Second Wars put together. ~ [[Tariq Ali]] ]] === 20th anniversary === * There is a long list of ways America was transformed by the terrorist attacks that destroyed the Twin Towers on 9/11/2001. But the question of how [[TV]] itself was changed – particularly in ways still relevant today – is more complicated. <br> CNBC anchor Shepard Smith, who covered the attack and its aftermath when he worked at Fox News Channel, points to a small but impactful TV innovation: the constant presence of an onscreen news ticker, scrolling through headlines, on cable news channels. <br> It may not sound like much today, given how so many of us now juggle multiple screens at once. But in 2001, the idea of crowding TV screens with changing bursts of information was relatively new – required by the deluge of data pouring into newsrooms regarding the deadliest terrorist attack on American soil. ** Eric Deggans, [https://www.npr.org/2021/09/10/1035896519/from-tv-news-tickers-to-homeland-the-ways-tv-was-affected-by-9-11 “From TV News Tickers to Homeland: The Ways TV Was Affected By 9/11”], ''NPR'', (September 10, 2021) * "Arguably, [9/11 news coverage] was one of the last examples of a common news culture, where the country was knit together by these horrendous attacks... united by a common enemy," says Andrew Heyward, who was president of CBS News during 9/11 — noting that broadcast networks shifted into cable news mode, offering continuous coverage, with no commercials, from the attack on a Tuesday through to Saturday. <br> Aaron Brown, who anchored [[CNN]]'s 9/11 coverage that day from a rooftop, says the disaster also helped cement the idea that TV news – especially cable news channels – were expected to offer continuous coverage of major news events more often. <br> Brown notes, instead of spending 24 hours covering a wide range of subjects, major American cable news channels excelled when they had one big, highly emotional story to cover that the audience wouldn't dare turn away from. <br> "The lesson of 9/11 was that you need one great story," he adds, noting that cable news channels still tend to cover a narrow range of popular stories each day. "You feel like a schmuck if you say, [after covering a huge tragedy], 'Let me tell you about the weather.'" ** Eric Deggans, [https://www.npr.org/2021/09/10/1035896519/from-tv-news-tickers-to-homeland-the-ways-tv-was-affected-by-9-11 “From TV News Tickers to Homeland: The Ways TV Was Affected By 9/11”], ''NPR'', (September 10, 2021) *"If the FBI and the CIA and 14 other intelligence agencies had been talking to each other, most of us feel that the attack would have been prevented." [[Thomas Kean]], chair of the 9/11 Commission. **{{cite web |url= https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2021/sep/09/thomas-kean-september-11-commission-report |title= ‘The attack would have been prevented’: co-author of 9/11 report reflects on missed opportunities |last= Smith |first= David | year= 2021 |publisher= The Guardian |archiveurl= |archivedate= |accessdate= 2 July 2022}} * Countless investigations have examined why the United States didn’t see 9/11 coming, and the explanations are many. But one factor these assessments don’t fully capture is that some analysts did know that such an attack could happen, and that many of the earliest, most tenacious, and most perceptive of them were female, in an institution that had long underestimated women and their work. ** [[Liza Mundy]] [https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/11/cia-women-counterterrorism-9-11-al-qaeda-warnings/676041/ “The Women Who Saw 9/11 Coming”], ''The Atlantic'', (November 18, 2023); adapted from ''The Sisterhood: The Secret History of Women at the CIA.'' === In fiction === [[File:King_Kong_1933_Promotional_Image.png|thumb|Characters in blockbusters these days rarely ever comment on the titanic amounts of [[destruction]] they (and we) are witnessing. We’ve seen buildings smashed onscreen since [[Godzilla]] trampled on [[Tokyo]] in 1954 (and I have no doubt we will again when the Godzilla reboot is released next year), but now there’s a coldly [[pornographic]] attention to detail that implies that the only [[lessons]] imparted by [[9/11]] were [[technical]] ones. It’s as if more time and effort were spent on simulating a toppled [[w:Skyscraper|skyscraper]] than in telling you why you should care about the [[people]] trapped in it. ~ Kyle Buchanan]] * When the World Trade towers fell on September 11, 2001, there was one refrain I heard over and over again, a common response that was both automatic and indicting: “It looked like something out of a [[w:Michael_Bay|Michael Bay]] movie.” More specifically, the explosions and citywide carnage resembled ''[[Armageddon (film)|Armageddon]]'', the Bay-directed action vehicle that had come out four summers prior and contained scenes of epic metropolitan mayhem that were still something of a cinematic novelty at the time. We pray that nothing on the scale of 9/11 will ever happen again, but if something actually did, we’d now have a sickening number of summer [[movies]] to compare it to. This weekend’s ''[[Man of Steel (film)|Man of Steel]]'' is only the latest film this year to exploit familiar 9/11 imagery in ways that are far more extreme and blatant than anything we’ve seen on the big screen before, as though Hollywood feels the need to out-9/11 itself. It’s lazy, it’s cheap, it’s deadening, and it needs to stop. ** Kyle Buchanan, [http://www.vulture.com/2013/06/hollywood-blockbusters-cant-stop-evoking-911.html “Is It Possible to Make a Hollywood Blockbuster Without Evoking 9/11?”], ''Vulture'', (2013/06). * Such knowing, referential obliteration probably began with the apocalyptic terror of 2005’s ''[[War of the Worlds (2005 film)|War of the Worlds]]'', in which [[Steven Spielberg]] at least had the decency to use the entire movie as an allegory for our feelings of post-9/11 dread and hopelessness. Since then, though, the weighty underpinnings to those scenes in War of the Worlds have fallen away as city-wrecking summer movies like ''[[Transformers: Dark of the Moon]]'' seek only to up the ante from the destruction featured in whichever summer spectacular came out the year before. In last year’s ''[[The Avengers (2012 film)|The Avengers]]'', the splintering of New York City was cause for lighthearted super-banter. '''Only one bittersweet nod to our post-9/11 outlook remains: Action heroes used to [[prevent]] disasters, but now, they can only [[avenge]] them.''' ** Kyle Buchanan, [http://www.vulture.com/2013/06/hollywood-blockbusters-cant-stop-evoking-911.html “Is It Possible to Make a Hollywood Blockbuster Without Evoking 9/11?”], ''Vulture'', (2013/06). * Characters in blockbusters these days rarely ever comment on the titanic amounts of [[destruction]] they (and we) are witnessing. We’ve seen buildings smashed onscreen since [[Godzilla]] trampled on [[Tokyo]] in 1954 (and I have no doubt we will again when the Godzilla reboot is released next year), but now there’s a coldly [[pornographic]] attention to detail that implies that the only [[lessons]] imparted by [[9/11]] were [[technical]] ones. It’s as if more time and effort were spent on simulating a toppled [[w:Skyscraper|skyscraper]] than in telling you why you should care about the [[people]] trapped in it. <br> It’s not until the very end of ''[[Man of Steel]]''’s third-act battle, where the stakes grow smaller and much more intimate, that [[Superman]] truly seems to become emotional about the lives in danger, and that’s a moment that blockbuster filmmakers could learn a lot from: There’s no need to robotically kill faceless millions when a single character in jeopardy will always prove more galvanizing. Instead of trying to top the mayhem in ''Man of Steel'' next year — instead of continuing to mine one of the worst days in [[History of the United States|American history]] for a series of wowser trailer moments — can we give the pummeled buildings a break and find creative new obstacles for our heroes to overcome? Please, let’s have a summer-movie spectacle we don’t have to wince at. ** Kyle Buchanan, [http://www.vulture.com/2013/06/hollywood-blockbusters-cant-stop-evoking-911.html “Is It Possible to Make a Hollywood Blockbuster Without Evoking 9/11?”], ''Vulture'', (2013/06). * Executive producer Howard Gordon worked on two fictional shows that have come to symbolize how 9/11 affected and inspired TV storytelling: Fox's [[24 (TV series)|24]] and Showtime's [[Homeland (TV series)|Homeland]]. <br> On 24, which debuted just a few months after 9/11, Kiefer Sutherland's stalwart government agent, Jack Bauer, would do whatever it takes to stop a bad thing from happening. Gordon says, particularly after the show's first season, Bauer became a proxy for America's post-9/11 anger at terrorists and any incompetent or corrupt government officials who made it tougher to stop them. <br> But over the years, producers heard from advocates for Muslims and military officials who said storylines featuring [[Islam in the United States|a Muslim family in America]] as a secret terrorist cell and scenes of Bauer effectively using torture to extract information were encouraging prejudices and misinforming viewers. <br> The concern: That a focus on American and [[Christianity|Christian]] perspectives was leading to damaging story choices. ** Eric Deggans, [https://www.npr.org/2021/09/10/1035896519/from-tv-news-tickers-to-homeland-the-ways-tv-was-affected-by-9-11“From TV News Tickers to Homeland: The Ways TV Was Affected By 9/11”], ''NPR'', (September 10, 2021) * The two-year period immediately following [[9/11]] was an era in which the [[media]] was defined both by its [[jingoism]] and [[patriotism]] and also by its aversion to images of [[violence]] and [[destruction]]. The images of gleeful destruction the ’90s had reveled in (think ''[[Independence Day]]'' and ''[[Armageddon]]'') disappeared almost overnight, and the few stragglers that crept by (like 2003’s ''[[The Core]]'', which destroys both [[Rome]] and [[San Francisco]]) were quietly buried. <br> [[w:War films|War movies]] were essentially nonexistent, with most offerings at the multiplex leaning toward [[fantasy]] and [[family]]-friendly fare. Until [[Steven Spielberg]] pioneered the [[9/11]] visual parable through heavily codified imagery with 2005’s ''[[War of the Worlds]]'', scenes of realistic mass destruction temporarily all but disappeared from the media landscape, a far cry from the explosion-riddled works of [[w:Michael Bay|Michael Bay]], [[w:Zack Snyder|Zack Snyder]], and their disciples that we enjoy today. ** Lindsay Ellis, [https://www.vox.com/2016/9/9/12814898/pop-culture-response-to-9-11 "Movies, patriotism, and cultural amnesia: tracing pop culture’s relationship to 9/11"], ''Vox'', (updated Sep 11, 2017). * But although most pop culture reactions to 9/11 were passive, there were a few that actively addressed the tragedy. The October 3, 2001, episode of ''[[The West Wing]]'' titled "[[Isaac]] and [[Ishmael]]," written and shot within two weeks of the attacks, takes a "why can’t we all just get along?" approach to terrorism, with the wise and pithy main cast explaining to a bunch of high school kids how terrorists are bad but Muslims aren’t. <br> The ''[[South Park]]'' episode "[[w:Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants|Osama bin Laden Has Farty Pants]]," which originally aired November 7, 2001, treated [[Osama bin Laden]] as a harmless buffoon. Despite being critical of American foreign policy, it ultimately avows loyalty to the USA, ending with Stan gently planting a small American flag in Afghan soil and saluting it with a soft, sincere, "Go, America," followed by, "Go, Broncos." <br> [[Marvel Comics]] presented its take on the attacks in ''Spider-Man Vol. 2'', issue No. 36, called "The Black Issue," which presents the tragedy as something that brings not only the heroes together but the villains as well. Yes, this act of terrorism was so heinous it even made [[w:Dr. Doom|Dr. Doom]] cry. <br> [[Spike Lee]]'s ''[[25th Hour]]'' (2002) may be the only one of these early depictions that doesn’t bother trying to find some meaning in the tragedy; rather, it simply tries to move on. It is, for that reason, one of the strongest of any cinematic attempt to deal with the aftermath. ** Lindsay Ellis, [https://www.vox.com/2016/9/9/12814898/pop-culture-response-to-9-11 "Movies, patriotism, and cultural amnesia: tracing pop culture’s relationship to 9/11"], ''Vox'', (updated Sep 11, 2017). * When 9/11 occurred, the tendency to use [[science fiction]] to portray [[life]] under late [[capitalism]] as [[deadening]] [[entrapment]] within enervating systems of [[control]] was radically transformed within popular SF imaginings. As Slavoj Zizek notes, the mythologized hard kernel of the real exterior to Western commodity culture was experienced directly when terrorists attacked [[The Pentagon|the Pentagon]] and the [[w:World Trade Center|World Trade Center]] towers. Suddenly the seeming-outside of the late capitalist milieu came crashing inward, and this catastrophe itself was immediately commodofied and propagated as consumer [[spectacle]]. ** David M. Higgins, [https://www.cambridge.org/core/books/abs/cambridge-companion-to-american-science-fiction/american-science-fiction-after-911/B230B07F06A2A34054D13B28122B0A98 ''The Cambridge Companion to Science Fiction''], “Ch. 3 American Science Fiction after 9/11”, ''Cambridge University Press'', (05 February 2015), p.44 * [[9/11]] was undeniably a paradigm shift. Its effects would ripple throughout the next decade and continues to impact the world today. The superhero industry’s response to the unjust tragedy was felt immediately. Those who went to the movies to escape the ubiquitous news coverage on Sept. 11, 2001 would have seen a trailer for “[[Spider-Man (2002 film)|Spider-Man]],” which would be released in the following May. The trailer, which featured [[Spider-Man]] trapping a [[helicopter]] of [[w:Bank robbery|bank robbers]] in a web strung up between the Twin Towers, was quickly pulled out of circulation along with posters featuring the towers reflected in his eyes. <br> The nation, still reeling from the [[horrors]] of 9/11, flooded the theaters the following year, hitting a record high for U.S. admissions—1.64 billion moviegoers—in 2002, according to the 2006 U.S. Theatrical Market Statistics. <br> Spider-Man raked in the highest domestic growth of 2002, beating well-established franchises “[[The Lord of the Rings|Lord of the Rings]]” and “[[Star Wars]]” (“All Time Worldwide Opening”). The [[nation]] clearly [[hungered]] for a figure who could save the [[country]]—or, in this case, at least defend [[New York]]. ** Cassandra Hsiao, [http://highschool.latimes.com/orange-county-school-of-the-arts/post-911-world-what-caused-the-rise-of-superhero-movies/ "Post-9/11 world: What caused the rise of superhero movies"], ''HS Insider'', ''Los Angeles Times''(June 16, 2016). ==External links== {{Sister project links|d=Q10806|n=Category:9/11|commons=Category:September 11 attacks|wikt=9/11|v=no|s=Portal:September 11th|b=no}} * [https://www.9-11commission.gov/ National Commission on Terrorist Attacks Upon the United States] ''official commission website'' * [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/2251406.stm "Attacks remembered: In quotes"] at BBC News (11 September 2002) * [https://www.911memorial.org/visit/memorial/names-911-memorial/ List of victims] [[Category:Terrorism in the United States]] [[Category:2000s in the United States]] [[Category:Islamic terrorist incidents in 2001]] [[Category:September 11 attacks| ]] 5f9xur0hw0gutqm4syspteclpm3ra0i 0 41964 3954326 3953346 2026-06-18T23:33:54Z ~2026-28765-14 3320567 /* Dialogue */ 3954326 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek The Third logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Shrek the Third|Shrek the Third]]''''', or '''''Shrek III''''', also known as '''''Shrek 3''''', or '''''Shrek 3: Escape of Tower''''', is a [[w:2007 in film|2007 film]] in which, after being reluctantly designated as the heir to the land of Far, Far Away, Shrek hatches a plan to install the rebellious Artie as the new king while Princess Fiona tries to fend off a coup d'état by the jilted Prince Charming. '''''[[Shrek]]''''' was a first sequel in [[w:2001 in film|2001]], '''''[[Shrek 2]]''''' was a second sequel in [[w:2004 in film|2004]], and '''''[[Shrek Forever After]]''''' was a third sequel in [[w:2010 in film|2010]]. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]. Written by [[w:Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman|Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman]], Chris Miller, and [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]], based on [[w:Shrek!|Shrek!]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' {{center/s}}'''Who's ready for Thirds?'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]{{center/e}} ==Shrek== * That's it! We're leaving! * Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. * Well, somebody better be dying. * Better out than in, I always say. ''[chuckles]'' * Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are! * We're here for the mascot contest, too. * ''[to Mr. Merlin]'' Quiet! * Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? ==King Harold and Queen Lillian and others== :'''Donkey''': I think that went pretty well. ''['''Shrek''': Donkey!]'' Come on now, Shrek! :'''Harold''': I'm dying. ''[coughing]'' Don't forget to pay ''the'' gardener, Lillian. :'''Lillian''': Of course, darling. :'''Harold''': Fiona. :'''Fiona''': Yes, Daddy? :'''Harold''': His name is Arthur. ''['''Shrek''': Arthur?]'' [coughing]'' I know, you'll do what's ''[exhaling]'' right-- ''[sick immediately]'' :''[lilypond snaps]'' ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shines down. These beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming rides the horse his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's Just washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner,majestic, glorious, flowing, marvelous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck length blond hair around his face .]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! ''[Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moves background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience]'' :'''Gingy''': This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater! :'''Pinocchio''': Me, too. ''[his nose grows]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[rides to the base of the tower]'' Whoa there, Chauncey! ''[dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]'' :'''Actress''': ''[as the princess, leaning from the tower window]'' Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[puffing his chest out]'' Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. ''[An old couple at a table look confused]'' :'''Old Lady''': ''[to the old man]'' What did she say? ''[Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince too costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applauses]'' :'''Gingy''': Yeah! It's Shrek! :'''Little Pigs and Pinocchio''': Whoo, Shrek, yeah! :'''Prince Charming''': ''[ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince]'' Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! :'''Waiter''': ''[singing while carrying a birthday cake]'' Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee :'''Prince Charming''': Do you mind?! ''[hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]'' :'''Gingy''': Do ''you'' mind?! Boring! ''[The audience laughs]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple]'' Prepare, foul beast... ''[looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience]'' Someday, you'll be sorry. :'''Heckler''': ''[off-screen]'' We already are! ''[They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]'' :'''Ogre Mascot''': Grr! ''[The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture] :'''Prince Charming''': ''[heavy sobs]'' Mommy... ''[weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face]'' You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! ''[looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high]'' I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! ''[a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd]'' And this time, no one will stand in my way. ''[crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]'' :'''Shrek''': Good morning. :'''Princess Fiona''': Good morning. ''[dreaming]'' Morning breath. :''[Shrek breathes in and smiles]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[dreaming]'' I know. Isn't it wonderful? :''[The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[singing]'' Good morning, good morning! ''[Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused]'' The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning ''[coming closer and closer to Shrek]'' To you! ''[to Fiona]'' And you! ''[to the Dronkeys]'' And you! ''[the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in]'' They grow up so fast. :'''Shrek''': ''[greatly annoyed]'' Not fast enough. ''[lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[leaps onto the bed]'' Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. :'''Shrek''':[very sarcastically] Great! Let's get started. ''[immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]'' :'''Donkey''': Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! ''[yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs]'' '''AAH!!!''' You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies! :''[Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stain glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "[https://shrek.wikia.com/wiki/Song:Royal_Pain Royal Pain]" by the [[w:Eels (band)|Eels]] plays in the background as the begin titles over is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church, then walks up to the knight, who seems a bit nervous]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword]'' I knight thee. ''[accidentally stabs the knight in the head]'' Heh, heh. Ooh. :''[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them]'' :'''Donkey''': Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?! :'''Raul''': ''[stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow]'' Ahem. I will see what I can do. :''[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. Vroom! Vroom! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked]'' :'''Fiona''': Ow! :''[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rips it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. Pop! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Puss''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Yeah, wow. :'''Fiona''': ''[feeling uncomfortable]'' Uh, is this really necessary? :'''Raul''': ''[to Shrek]'' Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. :'''Prince Shrek''': I'm Shrek, you twit. :'''Raul''': Whatever. :'''Puss''': Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle! :'''Donkey''': Smiles, everyone! Smiles! :''[Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. :'''Princess Fiona''': I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. ''[Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh]'' Shrek? :'''Prince Shrek''': Yeah. :'''Princess Fiona''': You look handsome. :'''Prince Shrek''': Ah. Come here, you. ''[she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air]'' Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. ''[tries to scratch his butt but to no avail]'' Oh. ''[whistles]'' Hey, you! Come here. ''[a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him]'' What's your name? :'''Fiddlesworth''': Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir. :'''Prince Shrek''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect. :''[The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek! and Princess Fiona :''[The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great. :'''Princess Fiona''': Uh, Shrek? :''[Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good. :'''Princess Fiona''': Shrek... :'''Shrek''': Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great! :'''Princess Fiona''': '''''Shrek!''''' ''[Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[stumbling through the crowd, screamed]'' Ow! My eye! My eye! ''[grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]'' :'''Woman''': What are you doing?! ''[pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocks over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]'' :'''Shrek''': Fiona! ''[trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapped him]'' :'''Fiddlesworth''': Uhhh... ''[whimpers]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor]'' Are you okay? :'''Princess Fiona''': Yeah. I'm fine. ''[her eyes widen]'' :'''Fiddlesworth''': ''[his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers]'' Ahhhh!!! ''[The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! ''[blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. Crash! Bang!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to King Harold's bedroom. King Harold is lying down on his lily pad, coughing]'' :'''Harold''': I'm dying. ''[inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King's aid and he settles down.]'' :'''Lillian''': Harold. :'''Harold''': Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. ''[Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.]'' :'''Lillian''': Of course darling. ''[The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.]'' :'''Harold''': Fiona… :'''Fiona''': Yes, Daddy? :'''Harold''': I know I've made many mistakes with you. :'''Fiona''': It's okay. :'''Harold''': But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. ''[Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.]'' My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. :'''Shrek''':''[smiles]'' And I'm proud to call you my Frog… King Dad in-law. :'''Harold''': Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.''[wheezes and coughing passes out]'' :'''Puss''': The frog king...is dead. ''[Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[to Puss]'' Put your hat back on, fool. :'''Harold''': Shrek, please come hither. ''[Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, Dad? :'''Harold''': This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. :'''Shrek''': Oh! ''[laughing]'' Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. ''[laughs with point] [The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.]'' Oh, come on Dad… an ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's got to be somebody else. Anybody! :'''Harold''': Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.''' :'''Shrek''': Really? Who is he, Dad? :'''Harold''': His name is... is... :'''Shrek''': What's his name? What's his '''''name?!''''' :'''Harold''': ...is- ''[wheezing]'' :'''Fiona''': Daddy! ''[A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A harold's tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]'' :'''Harold''': ''[after swallowing a fly and one last time]'' His name is Arthur. :'''Shrek''': Arthur? :'''Harold''': ''[coughing; last words before his death]'' I know... you'll do what's right. ''[He's sick for real]'' :'''Lillian''': ''[emotionally]'' Harold? :'''Shrek''': Dad? Dad! ''[King Harold doesn't respond; his ears droop]'' Dad? :'''Donkey''': ''[to Puss; emotionally]'' Do your thing, man. ''[Puss takes his hat off]'' :''[Fiona starts to break down weeping as she places her fist on Shrek's shoulder. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss, and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Poison Apple Pub...]'' :'''Prince Charming''': What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? ''[Mabel turns around in front of him]'' Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off? :'''Mabel''': She's not welcome here, and neither are you. ''[spits into the mug]'' What do you want, Charming? ''[wipes the mug with a cloth]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, not much, just a chance at redemption... ''[laughs]'' and a Fuzzy Navel. ''[stands up and turns to the villains]'' And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! :''[Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch bares her teeth, sneering, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily smashes his beer mug]'' :'''Captain Hook''': We're not your friends. ''[Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck]'' And you, don't belong here. :'''Prince Charming''': You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? :'''Cyclops''': Do a number on his face! :'''Prince Charming''': No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. ''[to the Evil Queen]'' Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened? :'''Evil Queen''': Oh, what's it to you? :'''Prince Charming''': They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? :'''Evil Queen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Pretty unfair. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[to Stromboli]'' And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. :'''Stromboli''': I hate that little wooden puppet. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[turns to Hook]'' And Hook...need I say more? ''[Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage]'' And you! Frumpy-pigskin. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Rumpelstiltskin. :'''Prince Charming''': Where's that first-born you were promised? ''[Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; to Mabel]'' Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? ''[Mabel sighs remorsefully]'' Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has ''EVER'' done you wrong! ''[turns his attention to all the villains]'' Once upon a time, someone decided that ''we'' were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out ''on top for once?'' '''''Who wants their Happily Ever After?!''''' :''[The villains cheer rowdily, but then start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[talking to cats]'' It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. ''[another female cats talking]'' As are you... ''[to another female cat]'' And you... ''[more cats get angry at each other]'' And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. ''[the cats yowl and screech]'' I gotta go. ''[then leaves on the journey]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Princess Fiona''': ''[suddenly feels a bump in her stomach]'' Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Yeah?! :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait! :'''Shrek''': What is it?! :'''Princess Fiona''': ''[taking a deep breath]'' I'm... I'm... ''[but was cut off by the ship captain's foghorn]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[laughs]'' I love you too, honey! :'''Princess Fiona''': No! No, I said I'm- ''[gets cut off by the foghorn again]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[grabs the foghorn from the captain and throws it overboard]'' You're what?! :'''Princess Fiona''': I said I'm ''pregnant''! :''[The fairytale creatures cheer.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[can't believe his ears]'' Oh... what was that?! :'''Princess Fiona''': You're going to be a father! :'''Shrek''': ''[laughs nervously]'' That's great. :'''Princess Fiona''': Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!? :'''Shrek''': ''[smiles back at Fiona]'' Yeah... ''[laughs nervously]'' Me, too. You... :''[Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[pops up onto the railing]'' I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!! :'''Puss in Boots''': And you, my friend, are royally- ''[the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy! :'''Shrek''' : It's "Worcestershire". :'''Donkey''': Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.]'' :'''Shrek''': Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are! :''[Off-screen, we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as a furious Donkey bursts out of the locker. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are '''''OVER!''''' :''[An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped to Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a hall monitor who stops them.]'' :'''Hall Monitor''': Uh, hold it. :''[Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.]'' :'''Student 1''': We're here for the mascot contest. :'''Student 2''': Grr! :''[The hall monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[pleased with himself]'' We're here for the mascot contest, too. :'''Hall Monitor''': ''[suspicious]'' This is a costume? ''[reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[trying to hide the pain]'' Ay! Worked on it all night long. ''[struggling not to scream in agony]'' :'''Hall Monitor''': ''[lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious]'' Looks pretty real to me. :'''Puss in Boots''': If he were real, could I do this? ''[uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt]'' :'''Donkey''': Or this? ''[kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[winces, sweats, and unbelievably strained]'' If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. :'''Donkey''': Now watch this! :'''Shrek''': ''[interrupting; through gritted teeth]'' That's quite enough, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': ''[to Shrek]'' Please, don't eat me. :'''Students and Teacher''': Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! :'''Shrek''': I'm not here to '''''eat''''' him! :'''Students and Teacher''': ''[groaning]'' Aww. :'''Shrek''': It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away. :'''Artie''': What? :'''Lancelot''': Artie? King? More like a Mayor of Loserville! :''[Everyone laughs at this.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Hook''': ''[looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook]'' Well, well, well! If it isn't Peter Pan! :'''Mother''': His name's not Peter! :'''Captain Hook''': Shut it, Wendy. :''[Mother screams in terror.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince Charming becomes frustrated; he turns Pinocchio's head towards him]'' :'''Prince Charming''': You! You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? :'''Pinocchio''': ''[turns his body around, thinks nervously]'' Well...I don't know where he's not. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[gets in Pinocchio's face]'' You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? :'''Pinocchio''': ''[still a little nervous]'' It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume, that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. :'''Prince Charming''': So you do know where he is. :'''Pinocchio''': On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way. With any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[angrily]'' Stop it. :'''Pinocchio''': I do not know where he shouldn't be. ''[Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated]'' If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. :'''Gingy''': ''[continues to singing "[[w:Lollipop (1958 song)|Lollipop Song]]"]'' On the good ship Lollipop... :'''Heimlich''': '''''ENOUGH!''''' ''Shrek went off to bring back the next heir!'' ''[gasps in horror for Shrek's reveal and Pinocchio chuckles nervously]'' :'''Prince Charming''': He’s bringing back the ''next'' heir? :'''Pinocchio''': No! ''[Pinocchio's nose gets longer]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Hook! Get rid of this ''new king.'' :'''Captain Hook''': Right! :'''Prince Charming''': But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. :'''Pinocchio''': He'll never fall for your tricks! ''[Pinocchio's nose gets longer again]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': Oh, boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.]'' :'''Artie''': I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. :'''Artie''': Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. :'''Shrek''': It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. :'''Artie''': Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. :'''Shrek''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. :'''Artie''': Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses. :'''Donkey''': It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. :'''Puss''': ''[jumps up onto the railing next to Artie]'' And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters. :'''Artie''': ''[intrigued]'' Oh, yeah? What do they do? :'''Puss''': They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. :'''Artie''': Poisoned? :'''Shrek''': ''[senses trouble and immediately steps in]'' Or too salty. ''[tries to shut Puss and Donkey up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[to Artie]'' Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards. :'''Artie''': Bodyguards? :'''Puss''': All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. :'''Artie''': Really? :'''Puss''': Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. :''[Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "Shut up!" to Puss and Donkey.]'' :'''Donkey''': Just make sure they don't die of famine. :'''Puss''': Or plague. :'''Donkey''': Oh, plague is bad. :'''Puss''': The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. :'''Shrek''': ''[interrupts with a mock laugh]'' Oh. Festering sores. ''[sternly to Puss]'' Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. :'''Puss''': What did I say? :'''Shrek''': We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. ''[motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.]'' Uh, Artie? :''[The boat suddenly pitches to the left. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken captain slides by.]'' :'''Captain''': Oh, there goes my hip. :'''Shrek''': Artie! What are you doing? ''[turns the wheel the other way]'' :''[The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffleboard stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it angrily.]'' :'''Artie''': What does it look like?! :''[He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches again. Artie swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it.]'' :'''Shrek''': This really isn't up to you. :'''Artie''': ''[falls underneath the wheel and stands up shoving the wheel back the other way]'' But I don't know anything about being king! :'''Shrek''': You'll learn on the job! :''[Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. Shrek and Artie continue fighting over the wheel.]'' :'''Artie''': Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back. :'''Shrek''': Back to what? Being a ''loser''?! ''[As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.]'' Now look what you did! :'''Artie''': Look what ''I'' did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? :'''Donkey''': ''[climbs up onto the railing and is seasick and about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead]'' SHREK!! :''[Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. But it was too late. The ship crashes into the rocks, sending everyone and everything off.]'' :'''Captain''': LAND HO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Artie shortly after they crash the ship]'' Oh, nice going, Your Highness. :'''Artie''': Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh? :'''Shrek''': Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father! :'''Artie''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Donkey''': ''[clears his throat, to Shrek]'' You just said "father". :'''Shrek''': ''[to Artie]'' I said king! You're gonna be king! :'''Artie''': ''[imitates Shrek]'' "You're gonna be king!" ''[reverts back to his normal voice]'' Yeah, right. ''[walks away]'' :'''Shrek''': Where do you think you're going?! :'''Artie''': Far Far Away... from you! :'''Shrek''': You get back here, young man, and I mean it! :''[But Artie didn't turn around and continues walking away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's whack! ''[gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]'' :'''Artie''': ''[runs up to Merlin's house]'' SOMEBODY HELP! '''''I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME!''''' ''[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]'' Help! Hello?! :''[A holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door.]'' :'''Merlin''': Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare- ''[the holograph cuts off; comes out the front door and says]'' I knew I should have got that warranty. ''[bangs on the holograph, which gives him an electric shock]'' :'''Artie''': ''[recognizes his former teacher]'' Mr. Merlin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': This is lame. :'''Merlin''': ''[whacks him]'' You're lame. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[?]'' Quiet! Alright, alright, journey to the soul. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Charming, let go of her! :'''Prince Charming:''' But why would I want to do that? :'''Rapunzel''': ''[looks at Charming, purring]'' :'''Prince Charming:''' Woof. :''[They both share a kiss, much to the squad's shock]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[anonymous]'' What? :'''Prince Charming:''' Say hello ladies to the new queen of Far Far Away! :'''Cinderella:''' Yay! ''[claps]'' :''[Awkward pause]'' :'''Fiona''': Rapunzel, how could you? :'''Rapunzel''': Jealous much? :'''Prince Charming''': Soon you'll be back where you started… scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. :'''Rapunzel''': But Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them. :'''Prince Charming''': Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek wakes up, he sees a bird on the tree, then it flicks a bird off of there. Then the Evil Trees suddenly approaches him, Donkey, Puss and Artie. Donkey screams in fear, then Captain Hook and Charming's henchmen arrives with a piano.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[scared]'' '''LOOK OUT! THEY GOT A PIANO!''' :'''Captain Hook''': Kill 'em all. ''[points to Shrek]'' Except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. :'''Shrek''': "King Charming"? :'''Captain Hook''': '''''ATTACK!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek saves Donkey, Puss and Artie from the cannon, which it destroys Captain Hook's piano and Charming's henchmen starts running away.]'' :'''Captain Hook''': '''''YA COWARDS!''''' :'''Shrek''': ''[barges to Hook]'' What has Charming done with Fiona?! :'''Captain Hook''': She's gonna get what's coming to her. ''[raises his hook, but gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away]'' And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Merlin sends Shrek, Donkey, Artie and Puss back to Far, Far Away]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, groans]'' Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college. :''[Shrek and Artie are surprised]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey? :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, confused]'' What? Is there something in my teeth? ''[gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body]'' What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second rate sidekick! :'''Puss''': ''[in Donkey's body, falls on the ground; groans]'' At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside of pinata! You should think about going on a diet! :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! ''[covers himself as if being naked]'' I feel all exposed and nasty! ''[Shrek and Artie laugh]'' Oh, so you two think this is funny?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. :'''Artie''': He's a star, people! ''Hello?!'' I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. :'''Shrek''': I'm gonna lose it! ''[continues trying to keep his cool]'' :'''Artie''': I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room? :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. ''[aggravated]'' Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño '''''HONEY BUTTER!!!!''''' :'''Shrek''': I just lost it. :''[Puss turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]'' :'''Guard''': Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. :'''Puss''': ''[in Donkey's body]'' Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, i promise! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[confronts Charming in the dressing room]'' Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. :'''Prince Charming''': Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. ''[presses a button]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[grabs him]'' Where's Fiona? :'''Prince Charming''': Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. ''[grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down]'' Let me guess. Arthur. :'''Artie''': ''[facing him]'' It's "Artie", actually. :'''Prince Charming''': This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? ''[laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat]'' How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess. :'''Shrek''': Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. :'''Artie''': Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right? :'''Shrek''': You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was! :'''Artie''': ''[angered]'' But you said the king asked for me personally. :'''Shrek''': Not exactly. :'''Artie''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Shrek''': Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go! :'''Artie''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You were playing me the whole time? :'''Shrek''': You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. :''[Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]'' :'''Artie''': You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you... :'''Prince Charming''': What? That ''he'' cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? ''[Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty]'' You really do have a way with children, Shrek. :''[The guards lead Shrek out of the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' We went to high school, the boat crashed, and we've got Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booped by the magic man! :'''Doris''': You poor sweet things. :'''Cinderella''': ''[confused]'' I don't get it. :'''Snow White''': The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? :'''Sleeping Beauty''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? Who dat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite! :'''Pinocchio''': But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool. :'''Gingerbread Man''': As I recall, it was Team Awesome. :'''Wolf''': I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, annoyed]'' All right, all right, all right! From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': ''[off-screen]'' Everybody, stop! :'''Prince Charming''': ''[exasperated]'' Oh, what is it now?! :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Artie? :'''Artie''': ''[jumping and leaping onto the stage]'' Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? ''[all the villains raise their hands]'' You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives? :'''Hook''': But we are villains. It's the only thing we know. :'''Artie''': Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? :'''Evil Tree Steve''': Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. :'''Prince Charming''': You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them! :'''Evil Tree Ed''': ''[covering Charming's mouth]'' What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. :'''Evil Tree Steve''': Right. Thanks, Ed. :'''Artie''': Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one. ''[Shrek smiles]'' The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way... is you. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Me? :'''Guard''': Get him, lads! :'''Artie''': No, no! What I mean is, each of you, is standing in your own way. :'''Villains''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. :'''Headless Horseman''': I've always wanted to play the flute. :'''Evil Queen''': I'd like to open up a spa in France! :'''Hook''': I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. ''[smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]'' :''[The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it, when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming kicks himself free from the Evil Tree, and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. Despite his fear, Artie faces Charming bravely. As Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Enraged, he charges at Shrek and impales him with the sword. Charming let us go, and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[thinking he killed Shrek; laughs evilly, and turn to the audience]'' A new era finally begins! ''[the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie]'' Now, all of you, bow before your king! :'''Shrek''': ''[rises up behind Charming, and clears his throat, which started Charming in shock]'' You need to work on your aim. ''[takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[doesn't believe this]'' This was supposed to be ''my'' Happily Ever After! :'''Shrek''': Well, I guess you need to keep looking… ''[looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming]'' …'cause I'm not giving up mine. ''[throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]'' :''[Dragon pushes the tower with her tail] :'''Prince Charming''': ''[looking up; also last words before his death]'' Mommy?! :''[The tower crushes Charming, killing him instantly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puss''': ''[normal voice]'' Are you, uh...? :'''Donkey''': ''[normal voice]'' I'm me again! :'''Puss''': And I'm not you! :'''Donkey''': ''[hugs Puss]'' All right! :'''Merlin''': Oops. ''[realizes that Puss's cape and Donkey's tail were swapped, then walks away]'' Ah, never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[looking at Artie talking with princesses]'' See, what did I tell you? The kid's gonna make a great king. :'''Princess Fiona''': For what it's worth, you would have too. :'''Shrek''': ''[rubs Fiona's stomach]'' I have something much more important in mind. :''[They kiss lovingly.]'' == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] * [[Eddie Murphy]] — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * [[Cameron Diaz]] — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] - [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]] * [[Julie Andrews]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Queen Lillian|Queen Lillian]] * [[John Cleese]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#King Harold|King Harold]] * [[w:Rupert Everett|Rupert Everett]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Prince Charming|Prince Charming]] * [[Eric Idle]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Merlin|Merlin]] * [[Justin Timberlake]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#King Arthur Pendragon|Artie]] * [[Frank Welker]] — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#The Muffin Man|The Muffin Man]] * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] - [[Pinocchio]], and [[The Three Pigs]] * Babies: ? == See Also == * ''[[Shrek]]'', a 2001 animated film. * ''[[Shrek 2]]'', the 2004 sequel. * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'', the 2010 fourth film. * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]], a 2011 spin-off film. * [[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish]], a 2022 sequel == Taglines == * Who's ready for Thirds? * He's in for the royal treatment * The Wait is Ogre! * Cookies that talk. Trees that walk. Donkeys on deck. It must be... Shrek! * A family movie you will want to see ogre, and ogre, and ogre again * The best Shrek yet! * For the funniest happily ever after. == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0413267|title=Shrek the Third}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=shrek_the_third| title=Shrek the Third}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2007 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2007 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:American pregnancy films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Films about body swapping]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Films directed by Raman Hui]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:Animated films about babies]] [[Category:Animated films about wizards]] [[Category:Animated films about pregnancy]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] n4za0qz3bl0m3t1iifaws0awep3k283 3954327 3954326 2026-06-18T23:35:49Z ~2026-28765-14 3320567 /* Dialogue */ 3954327 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Shrek The Third logo.png|thumb|]] '''''[[w:Shrek the Third|Shrek the Third]]''''', or '''''Shrek III''''', also known as '''''Shrek 3''''', or '''''Shrek 3: Escape of Tower''''', is a [[w:2007 in film|2007 film]] in which, after being reluctantly designated as the heir to the land of Far, Far Away, Shrek hatches a plan to install the rebellious Artie as the new king while Princess Fiona tries to fend off a coup d'état by the jilted Prince Charming. '''''[[Shrek]]''''' was a first sequel in [[w:2001 in film|2001]], '''''[[Shrek 2]]''''' was a second sequel in [[w:2004 in film|2004]], and '''''[[Shrek Forever After]]''''' was a third sequel in [[w:2010 in film|2010]]. :''Directed by [[w:Chris Miller (animator)|Chris Miller]]. Written by [[w:Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman|Jeffrey Price and Peter S. Seaman]], Chris Miller, and [[w:Aron Warner|Aron Warner]], based on [[w:Shrek!|Shrek!]] by [[w:William Steig|William Steig]].'' {{center/s}}'''Who's ready for Thirds?'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]{{center/e}} ==Shrek== * That's it! We're leaving! * Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre! I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. * Well, somebody better be dying. * Better out than in, I always say. ''[chuckles]'' * Oh, Arthur, come out, come out, wherever you are! * We're here for the mascot contest, too. * ''[to Mr. Merlin]'' Quiet! * Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon? ==King Harold and Queen Lillian and others== :'''Donkey''': I think that went pretty well. ''['''Shrek''': Donkey!]'' Come on now, Shrek! :'''Harold''': I'm dying. ''[coughing]'' Don't forget to pay ''the'' gardener, Lillian. :'''Lillian''': Of course, darling. :'''Harold''': Fiona. :'''Fiona''': Yes, Daddy? :'''Harold''': His name is Arthur. ''['''Shrek''': Arthur?]'' [coughing]'' I know, you'll do what's ''[exhaling]'' right-- ''[sick immediately]'' :''[lilypond snaps]'' ==Dialogue== :''[First lines; the movie begins with a familiar beam of light shines down. These beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming rides the horse his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The Wind whips Prince Charming's Just washed and clean with shampoo and conditioner,majestic, glorious, flowing, marvelous, gorgeous, beautiful, wavy, smooth, soft and ricocheting neck length blond hair around his face .]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming! ''[Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face and hair. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moves background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience]'' :'''Gingy''': This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater! :'''Pinocchio''': Me, too. ''[his nose grows]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[rides to the base of the tower]'' Whoa there, Chauncey! ''[dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]'' :'''Actress''': ''[as the princess, leaning from the tower window]'' Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[puffing his chest out]'' Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king. ''[An old couple at a table look confused]'' :'''Old Lady''': ''[to the old man]'' What did she say? ''[Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man dressed in a prince too costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applauses]'' :'''Gingy''': Yeah! It's Shrek! :'''Little Pigs and Pinocchio''': Whoo, Shrek, yeah! :'''Prince Charming''': ''[ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the prince]'' Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! :'''Waiter''': ''[singing while carrying a birthday cake]'' Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee :'''Prince Charming''': Do you mind?! ''[hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]'' :'''Gingy''': Do ''you'' mind?! Boring! ''[The audience laughs]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple]'' Prepare, foul beast... ''[looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience]'' Someday, you'll be sorry. :'''Heckler''': ''[off-screen]'' We already are! ''[They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]'' :'''Ogre Mascot''': Grr! ''[The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture] :'''Prince Charming''': ''[heavy sobs]'' Mommy... ''[weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face]'' You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't!! ''[looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high]'' I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! ''[a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd]'' And this time, no one will stand in my way. ''[crumples up the newspaper in his fists. The camera booms down from the Far Far Away sign. The sun rises and the birds sing. The sun shines through the bedroom window as the camera pans over to Shrek and Fiona waking up]'' :'''Shrek''': Good morning. :'''Princess Fiona''': Good morning. ''[dreaming]'' Morning breath. :''[Shrek breathes in and smiles]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[dreaming]'' I know. Isn't it wonderful? :''[The bedroom doors fly open and Donkey and the Dronkeys rush in. The Dronkeys head right for Shrek and Fiona. Shrek cowers beneath the bedclothes.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[singing]'' Good morning, good morning! ''[Shrek sinks further into the blankets as the Dronkeys exuberantly lick him. Fiona is amused]'' The sun is shining through / Good morning, good morning ''[coming closer and closer to Shrek]'' To you! ''[to Fiona]'' And you! ''[to the Dronkeys]'' And you! ''[the Dronkeys fly out of the room, knocking down everything in their path as Puss comes in]'' They grow up so fast. :'''Shrek''': ''[greatly annoyed]'' Not fast enough. ''[lifts his hand and snuffs out a little fire on the bed]'' :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[leaps onto the bed]'' Okay. You have a very full day filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. :'''Shrek''':[very sarcastically] Great! Let's get started. ''[immediately pulls the covers up over his head and starts to snore]'' :'''Donkey''': Come on, lazybones. Time to get moving! ''[yanks off the sheets, surprised to see Shrek's bare legs]'' '''AAH!!!''' You know, you really need to get yourself a pair of jammies! :''[Then the title "Shrek the Third" appears on the stain glass window, as the movie begins. The camera pans down from a stained glass window. The song "[https://shrek.wikia.com/wiki/Song:Royal_Pain Royal Pain]" by the [[w:Eels (band)|Eels]] plays in the background as the begin titles over is superimposed. A large crowd has gathered to watch the knighting. Shrek walks down the aisle of the church, then walks up to the knight, who seems a bit nervous]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[holding the sword, then looks at Puss, who indicates how to knight a person with his own sword]'' I knight thee. ''[accidentally stabs the knight in the head]'' Heh, heh. Ooh. :''[The crowd, Fiona, Puss and Donkey look on, shocked. Shrek and Fiona officiate at a boat christening for the Royal Navy. Shrek is holding a bottle of champagne. He leans on the boat, accidentally pushing it down the ramp. Shrek throws the bottle at the boat and it punches an enormous hole in the side of the hull. The boat quickly sinks. Shrek turns to find the patrons of Far Far Away shaking their heads as they leave. Raul, the make-up specialist, tightens some aprons around Shrek and Fiona. Donkey, Puss and Raul stand in front of them]'' :'''Donkey''': Well, since you're filling in for one, you might as well look like a real king. Can somebody come in here and work on Shrek, please?! :'''Raul''': ''[stares at Shrek, who raises his eyebrow]'' Ahem. I will see what I can do. :''[He unrolls a satchel full of different gardening tools. Suddenly, Shrek's arms and legs are strapped into a chair. A man stands with his back to the camera and pulls on a rip cord as if he's holding a chain saw. Vroom! Vroom! He turns around to reveal a circular sander and starts to grind away at Shrek's gruesome toenails. Shrek cringes. We see a close-up of Shrek's eye. A mascara brush comes into frame and pulls at Shrek's eyelash. Fiona gets her nose hairs plucked]'' :'''Fiona''': Ow! :''[Lipstick is applied to some lips. The camera pulls back to reveal that the lips are Shrek's. A hand tries to tighten a zipper on Shrek's back. It keeps snagging on the skin until they finally rips it past and tighten up the zipper all the way. A small sock is placed onto Shrek's foot. With a shoe horn, Shrek's foot is shoved into a small shoe. Pop! A collar is placed around Fiona's neck and her corset is tightened. A drill comes into frame and tightens the rivet on Shrek's belt. A mole is placed on his cheek. Reveal: Shrek and Fiona standing awkwardly in outrageous Renaissance outfits. Donkey gasps]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh! :'''Puss''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Yeah, wow. :'''Fiona''': ''[feeling uncomfortable]'' Uh, is this really necessary? :'''Raul''': ''[to Shrek]'' Ho, ho. Quite necessary, Fiona. :'''Prince Shrek''': I'm Shrek, you twit. :'''Raul''': Whatever. :'''Puss''': Okay, peoples. This isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle! :'''Donkey''': Smiles, everyone! Smiles! :''[Off-screen, the Master of Ceremonies announces the couples arriving at the party. Fiona turns to Shrek and sees he is not in a good mood]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': I don't know how much longer I can keep this up Fiona. :'''Princess Fiona''': I'm sorry, Shrek, but can you please just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. ''[Shrek lets out another frustrated sigh]'' Shrek? :'''Prince Shrek''': Yeah. :'''Princess Fiona''': You look handsome. :'''Prince Shrek''': Ah. Come here, you. ''[she gives him a supportive smile. He relaxes and smiles back. Fiona puckers up her lips and he leans in for a kiss, but their bulky outfits prevent it. They let out a huge breath of air]'' Oh, my butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. ''[tries to scratch his butt but to no avail]'' Oh. ''[whistles]'' Hey, you! Come here. ''[a man holding a ruby scepter walks over to him]'' What's your name? :'''Fiddlesworth''': Uh, Fiddlesworth, sir. :'''Prince Shrek''': Hoo-hoo-hoo. Perfect. :''[The announcer introduces Shrek and Fiona]'' :'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Prince Shrek! and Princess Fiona :''[The audience claps. The curtain starts to open. Fiddlesworth is scratching away at Shrek's butt]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': Ahh! You've done it. A little to the left, yeah. That's great. :'''Princess Fiona''': Uh, Shrek? :''[Fiddlesworth struggles to reach Shrek's itch. The crowd looks on in horror. Fiona tries to get his attention]'' :'''Prince Shrek''': Ahh! All right, you got it...Oh yeah, you're on it. Oh, that's it! Oh, that's good. :'''Princess Fiona''': Shrek... :'''Shrek''': Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. That's great! :'''Princess Fiona''': '''''Shrek!''''' ''[Shrek and Fiddlesworth finally see the crowd. They both freeze. Shrek laughs nervously. Suddenly, Shrek's belt buckle snaps off and hits Donkey in the eye]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[stumbling through the crowd, screamed]'' Ow! My eye! My eye! ''[grabs hold of a lady in the crowd]'' :'''Woman''': What are you doing?! ''[pushes Donkey away. He falls, knocks over a guard holding an axe on his way down. The guard drops the axe. It flies past Puss, who is in the arms of a lady. The axe knocks over a vase. The vase flies up on stage and Fiona maneuvers to catch it. In flight, water spills out of the vase which causes Fiona to fall over. Shrek's tuxedo bib slaps him in the face. The clasp holding Shrek's pants up breaks off. Shrek stands on stage with his pants around his ankles. He shuffles towards Fiona]'' :'''Shrek''': Fiona! ''[trips over his pants and hits a loose wooden plank on the stage. The plank flings up and sends Fiddlesworth flying through the air where his jacket slips over a banner pole, trapped him]'' :'''Fiddlesworth''': Uhhh... ''[whimpers]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[has reached Fiona who is still lying on the floor]'' Are you okay? :'''Princess Fiona''': Yeah. I'm fine. ''[her eyes widen]'' :'''Fiddlesworth''': ''[his jacket rips and he falls onto a waiter carrying flaming skewers]'' Ahhhh!!! ''[The skewers fly through the air. Donkey stands up in frame with one eye half shut. The flaming skewers shoot by him and land in the curtains, setting them on fire]'' :'''Donkey''': Oh! Shrimp! My favorite! ''[blows one of the skewers out and takes a bite. The fire causes a Far Far Away shield to detach from a wooden ceiling beam and fall onto the stage, breaking it in half. The whole stage collapses in the middle. The buffet tables slide toward Shrek and Fiona at the other end and collide. Crash! Bang!]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[The camera pushes through a corridor that leads to King Harold's bedroom. King Harold is lying down on his lily pad, coughing]'' :'''Harold''': I'm dying. ''[inhales and launches into a violent coughing fit. Shrek looks a bit guilty about his last admission. Queen Lillian comes to the King's aid and he settles down.]'' :'''Lillian''': Harold. :'''Harold''': Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. ''[Queen Lillian is used to these kind of non-sequiturs.]'' :'''Lillian''': Of course darling. ''[The King suppresses a few coughs. He turns to his daughter.]'' :'''Harold''': Fiona… :'''Fiona''': Yes, Daddy? :'''Harold''': I know I've made many mistakes with you. :'''Fiona''': It's okay. :'''Harold''': But your love for Shrek has taught me so much. ''[Fiona smiles. The King addresses Shrek.]'' My dear boy, I am proud to call you my son. :'''Shrek''':''[smiles]'' And I'm proud to call you my Frog… King Dad in-law. :'''Harold''': Now, there is a matter of business to attend to.''[wheezes and coughing passes out]'' :'''Puss''': The frog king...is dead. ''[Fiona starts weeping. The King suddenly wakes up, coughing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[to Puss]'' Put your hat back on, fool. :'''Harold''': Shrek, please come hither. ''[Fiona gives Shrek a look. Shrek walks over to the King.]'' :'''Shrek''': Yeah, Dad? :'''Harold''': This Kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. :'''Shrek''': Oh! ''[laughing]'' Next in line. Now you see Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed you're still making jokes. ''[laughs with point] [The King stares at Shrek, stone-faced. Shrek leans in closer.]'' Oh, come on Dad… an ogre as king? I don't think that's such a good idea. I mean, there's got to be somebody else. Anybody! :'''Harold''': Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.''' :'''Shrek''': Really? Who is he, Dad? :'''Harold''': His name is... is... :'''Shrek''': What's his name? What's his '''''name?!''''' :'''Harold''': ...is- ''[wheezing]'' :'''Fiona''': Daddy! ''[A fly comes out of his mouth and flies away. Puss starts to take his hat off. The fly buzzes into frame. A harold's tongue catches it. Puss puts his hat back on.]'' :'''Harold''': ''[after swallowing a fly and one last time]'' His name is Arthur. :'''Shrek''': Arthur? :'''Harold''': ''[coughing; last words before his death]'' I know... you'll do what's right. ''[He's sick for real]'' :'''Lillian''': ''[emotionally]'' Harold? :'''Shrek''': Dad? Dad! ''[King Harold doesn't respond; his ears droop]'' Dad? :'''Donkey''': ''[to Puss; emotionally]'' Do your thing, man. ''[Puss takes his hat off]'' :''[Fiona starts to break down weeping as she places her fist on Shrek's shoulder. The weight of the King's request hits Shrek. He is in a state of shock. We hold a moment on Queen Lillian, Shrek, Fiona, Puss, and Donkey to let the King's passing sink in.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[At the Poison Apple Pub...]'' :'''Prince Charming''': What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? ''[Mabel turns around in front of him]'' Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off? :'''Mabel''': She's not welcome here, and neither are you. ''[spits into the mug]'' What do you want, Charming? ''[wipes the mug with a cloth]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Oh, not much, just a chance at redemption... ''[laughs]'' and a Fuzzy Navel. ''[stands up and turns to the villains]'' And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! :''[Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch bares her teeth, sneering, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily smashes his beer mug]'' :'''Captain Hook''': We're not your friends. ''[Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck]'' And you, don't belong here. :'''Prince Charming''': You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us? :'''Cyclops''': Do a number on his face! :'''Prince Charming''': No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. ''[to the Evil Queen]'' Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened? :'''Evil Queen''': Oh, what's it to you? :'''Prince Charming''': They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? :'''Evil Queen''': ''[remorsefully]'' Pretty unfair. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[to Stromboli]'' And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. :'''Stromboli''': I hate that little wooden puppet. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[turns to Hook]'' And Hook...need I say more? ''[Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage]'' And you! Frumpy-pigskin. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Rumpelstiltskin. :'''Prince Charming''': Where's that first-born you were promised? ''[Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; to Mabel]'' Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? ''[Mabel sighs remorsefully]'' Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has ''EVER'' done you wrong! ''[turns his attention to all the villains]'' Once upon a time, someone decided that ''we'' were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out ''on top for once?'' '''''Who wants their Happily Ever After?!''''' :''[The villains cheer rowdily, but then start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puss in Boots''': ''[talking to cats]'' It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny, but I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. ''[another female cats talking]'' As are you... ''[to another female cat]'' And you... ''[more cats get angry at each other]'' And, uh...hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to. ''[the cats yowl and screech]'' I gotta go. ''[then leaves on the journey]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Princess Fiona''': ''[suddenly feels a bump in her stomach]'' Shrek! :'''Shrek''': Yeah?! :'''Princess Fiona''': Wait! :'''Shrek''': What is it?! :'''Princess Fiona''': ''[taking a deep breath]'' I'm... I'm... ''[but was cut off by the ship captain's foghorn]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[laughs]'' I love you too, honey! :'''Princess Fiona''': No! No, I said I'm- ''[gets cut off by the foghorn again]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[grabs the foghorn from the captain and throws it overboard]'' You're what?! :'''Princess Fiona''': I said I'm ''pregnant''! :''[The fairytale creatures cheer.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[can't believe his ears]'' Oh... what was that?! :'''Princess Fiona''': You're going to be a father! :'''Shrek''': ''[laughs nervously]'' That's great. :'''Princess Fiona''': Really?! I'm glad you think so! I love you!? :'''Shrek''': ''[smiles back at Fiona]'' Yeah... ''[laughs nervously]'' Me, too. You... :''[Fiona smiles as the Queen places a hand on her shoulder. Overjoyed at the news, Donkey pops up onto the railing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[pops up onto the railing]'' I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! I'M GOING TO BE AN UNCLE!! :'''Puss in Boots''': And you, my friend, are royally- ''[the different foghorn blasts again as the boat disappears into the fog]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': Worcester-shiree? Now, that sounds fancy! :'''Shrek''' : It's "Worcestershire". :'''Donkey''': Like the sauce? Mmm. It's spicy! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Shrek and Puss search the hallways, looking for Artie.]'' :'''Shrek''': Arthur! Oh, Arthur! Come out, come out, wherever you are! :''[Off-screen, we hear mumbling from inside a locker. Shrek and Puss look as a furious Donkey bursts out of the locker. He has been stuffed inside. Off-screen we hear some students laughing.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[angrily]'' Yeah, you better run, you little punk no-goodniks! 'Cause the days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are '''''OVER!''''' :''[An "I Suck-eth" sign has been taped to Donkey's butt. Shrek spots students entering the Gymnasium. They approach a hall monitor who stops them.]'' :'''Hall Monitor''': Uh, hold it. :''[Two mascot costumed students walk up to the hall monitor.]'' :'''Student 1''': We're here for the mascot contest. :'''Student 2''': Grr! :''[The hall monitor waves them in. Shrek gets an idea.]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[pleased with himself]'' We're here for the mascot contest, too. :'''Hall Monitor''': ''[suspicious]'' This is a costume? ''[reaches out and starts painfully pinching and pulling Shrek's skin]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[trying to hide the pain]'' Ay! Worked on it all night long. ''[struggling not to scream in agony]'' :'''Hall Monitor''': ''[lets Shrek's face snap back into the place, and still suspicious]'' Looks pretty real to me. :'''Puss in Boots''': If he were real, could I do this? ''[uses his claws to scratch deep into Shrek's butt]'' :'''Donkey''': Or this? ''[kicks Shrek hard in the groin with his hind legs]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[winces, sweats, and unbelievably strained]'' If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. :'''Donkey''': Now watch this! :'''Shrek''': ''[interrupting; through gritted teeth]'' That's quite enough, boys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': ''[to Shrek]'' Please, don't eat me. :'''Students and Teacher''': Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! :'''Shrek''': I'm not here to '''''eat''''' him! :'''Students and Teacher''': ''[groaning]'' Aww. :'''Shrek''': It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You are the new king of Far Far Away. :'''Artie''': What? :'''Lancelot''': Artie? King? More like a Mayor of Loserville! :''[Everyone laughs at this.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Captain Hook''': ''[looming over a young boy threateningly with his hook]'' Well, well, well! If it isn't Peter Pan! :'''Mother''': His name's not Peter! :'''Captain Hook''': Shut it, Wendy. :''[Mother screams in terror.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Prince Charming becomes frustrated; he turns Pinocchio's head towards him]'' :'''Prince Charming''': You! You can't lie. So, tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? :'''Pinocchio''': ''[turns his body around, thinks nervously]'' Well...I don't know where he's not. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[gets in Pinocchio's face]'' You're telling me you don't know where Shrek is? :'''Pinocchio''': ''[still a little nervous]'' It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume, that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. :'''Prince Charming''': So you do know where he is. :'''Pinocchio''': On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way. With any amount of uncertainty that I undeniably. :'''Prince Charming''': ''[angrily]'' Stop it. :'''Pinocchio''': I do not know where he shouldn't be. ''[Captain Hook scratches his head, even the Three Little Pigs are frustrated]'' If that indeed wasn't where he isn't. Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean that I wouldn't completely not know where he wasn't. :'''Gingy''': ''[continues to singing "[[w:Lollipop (1958 song)|Lollipop Song]]"]'' On the good ship Lollipop... :'''Heimlich''': '''''ENOUGH!''''' ''Shrek went off to bring back the next heir!'' ''[gasps in horror for Shrek's reveal and Pinocchio chuckles nervously]'' :'''Prince Charming''': He's bringing back the ''next'' heir? :'''Pinocchio''': No! ''[Pinocchio's nose gets longer]'' :'''Prince Charming''': Hook! Get rid of this ''new king.'' :'''Captain Hook''': Right! :'''Prince Charming''': But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. :'''Pinocchio''': He'll never fall for your tricks! ''[Pinocchio's nose gets longer again]'' :'''Big Bad Wolf''': Oh, boy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The ship cuts through the open sea. Artie smiles as he watches Worcestershire shrinking away on the horizon.]'' :'''Artie''': I can't believe it. Me, a king? I… I mean I knew I came from royalty and all, but I just figured everyone forgot about me. :'''Shrek''': Oh, no, in fact, the King asked for you personally. :'''Artie''': Really? Wow. Look, I know it's not all gonna be fun and games. :'''Shrek''': It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. :'''Artie''': Boat with the bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. :'''Shrek''': ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. :'''Artie''': Whoa. This is gonna be huge. Parties, princesses, castles… princesses. :'''Donkey''': It's gonna be great, Artie. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around waiting for you to place your order. :'''Puss''': ''[jumps up onto the railing next to Artie]'' And fortunately you’ll have the royal food tasters. :'''Artie''': ''[intrigued]'' Oh, yeah? What do they do? :'''Puss''': They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. :'''Artie''': Poisoned? :'''Shrek''': ''[senses trouble and immediately steps in]'' Or too salty. ''[tries to shut Puss and Donkey up]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[to Artie]'' Don't worry about it. You'll be safe and sound with the help of your bodyguards. :'''Artie''': Bodyguards? :'''Puss''': All of them, willing at a moment's notice to lay down their own lives out of devotion to you. :'''Artie''': Really? :'''Puss''': Si, and the whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. :''[Behind Artie, Shrek mouths "Shut up!" to Puss and Donkey.]'' :'''Donkey''': Just make sure they don't die of famine. :'''Puss''': Or plague. :'''Donkey''': Oh, plague is bad. :'''Puss''': The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. :'''Shrek''': ''[interrupts with a mock laugh]'' Oh. Festering sores. ''[sternly to Puss]'' Hey, you are one funny kitty cat. :'''Puss''': What did I say? :'''Shrek''': We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea. ''[motions to Artie, but he is gone. They all look around.]'' Uh, Artie? :''[The boat suddenly pitches to the left. Shrek braces himself. Puss and Donkey tumble away. Artie swings the wheel around, sending the boat back in the direction of his school. Shrek works his way into the cabin and gains control of the wheel. The drunken captain slides by.]'' :'''Captain''': Oh, there goes my hip. :'''Shrek''': Artie! What are you doing? ''[turns the wheel the other way]'' :''[The boat veers again, heading back toward Far Far Away. Artie falls to the ground and slides to the back of the boat. A shuffleboard stick slides next to Artie. He grabs it angrily.]'' :'''Artie''': What does it look like?! :''[He jams it in the boat’s wheel. The boat lurches again. Artie swings the boat back in the other direction. Shrek rises up and grabs the wheel and turns it.]'' :'''Shrek''': This really isn't up to you. :'''Artie''': ''[falls underneath the wheel and stands up shoving the wheel back the other way]'' But I don't know anything about being king! :'''Shrek''': You'll learn on the job! :''[Donkey and Puss roll across the deck. Shrek and Artie continue fighting over the wheel.]'' :'''Artie''': Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back. :'''Shrek''': Back to what? Being a ''loser''?! ''[As soon as the word leaves his lips, Shrek knows he's gone too far. Stung, Artie lets go of the wheel, leaving Shrek to yank hard on it. He pulls the steering column from the decking.]'' Now look what you did! :'''Artie''': Look what ''I'' did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? :'''Donkey''': ''[climbs up onto the railing and is seasick and about to puke when he sees jagged rocks ahead]'' SHREK!! :''[Shrek desperately sets the wheel back down and tries to steer the ship clear of the rocks. But it was too late. The ship crashes into the rocks, sending everyone and everything off.]'' :'''Captain''': LAND HO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[to Artie shortly after they crash the ship]'' Oh, nice going, Your Highness. :'''Artie''': Oh, so now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser", huh? :'''Shrek''': Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well it isn't! We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another. And you're gonna be a father! :'''Artie''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Donkey''': ''[clears his throat, to Shrek]'' You just said "father". :'''Shrek''': ''[to Artie]'' I said king! You're gonna be king! :'''Artie''': ''[imitates Shrek]'' "You're gonna be king!" ''[reverts back to his normal voice]'' Yeah, right. ''[walks away]'' :'''Shrek''': Where do you think you're going?! :'''Artie''': Far Far Away... from you! :'''Shrek''': You get back here, young man, and I mean it! :''[But Artie didn't turn around and continues walking away.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': Listen, Artie. Eh, if you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof or whatever, but what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! I mean if it doesn't groove or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin' just say, "Oh, no you didn't! You know, you're gettin' on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's... then I'll - I'll know it's whack! ''[gets hit in the face with a branch that Artie had evidently pulled back]'' :'''Artie''': ''[runs up to Merlin's house]'' SOMEBODY HELP! '''''I'VE BEEN KIDNAPPED BY A MONSTER WHO'S TRYING TO RELATE TO ME!''''' ''[knocks on the door of a tree incessantly]'' Help! Hello?! :''[A holograph of Merlin emits from a crystal a few feet adjacent to the door.]'' :'''Merlin''': Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare- ''[the holograph cuts off; comes out the front door and says]'' I knew I should have got that warranty. ''[bangs on the holograph, which gives him an electric shock]'' :'''Artie''': ''[recognizes his former teacher]'' Mr. Merlin? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': This is lame. :'''Merlin''': ''[whacks him]'' You're lame. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[?]'' Quiet! Alright, alright, journey to the soul. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fiona''': Charming, let go of her! :'''Prince Charming:''' But why would I want to do that? :'''Rapunzel''': ''[looks at Charming, purring]'' :'''Prince Charming:''' Woof. :''[They both share a kiss, much to the squad's shock]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[anonymous]'' What? :'''Prince Charming:''' Say hello ladies to the new queen of Far Far Away! :'''Cinderella:''' Yay! ''[claps]'' :''[Awkward pause]'' :'''Fiona''': Rapunzel, how could you? :'''Rapunzel''': Jealous much? :'''Prince Charming''': Soon you'll be back where you started… scrubbing floors or locked away in towers; that is, if I let you last the week. :'''Rapunzel''': But Pooky, you said you wouldn't hurt them. :'''Prince Charming''': Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek wakes up, he sees a bird on the tree, then it flicks a bird off of there. Then the Evil Trees suddenly approaches him, Donkey, Puss and Artie. Donkey screams in fear, then Captain Hook and Charming's henchmen arrives with a piano.]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[scared]'' '''LOOK OUT! THEY GOT A PIANO!''' :'''Captain Hook''': Kill 'em all. ''[points to Shrek]'' Except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre. :'''Shrek''': "King Charming"? :'''Captain Hook''': '''''ATTACK!!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Shrek saves Donkey, Puss and Artie from the cannon, which it destroys Captain Hook's piano and Charming's henchmen starts running away.]'' :'''Captain Hook''': '''''YA COWARDS!''''' :'''Shrek''': ''[barges to Hook]'' What has Charming done with Fiona?! :'''Captain Hook''': She's gonna get what's coming to her. ''[raises his hook, but gets caught on an Evil Tree's branch and is dragged away]'' And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Merlin sends Shrek, Donkey, Artie and Puss back to Far, Far Away]'' :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, groans]'' Man, I have not been on a trip like that since college. :''[Shrek and Artie are surprised]'' :'''Shrek''': Donkey? :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, confused]'' What? Is there something in my teeth? ''[gasps in horror, and looks around himself, then realizes that he is in Puss' body]'' What the-? Oh, no! I have been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feasting, second rate sidekick! :'''Puss''': ''[in Donkey's body, falls on the ground; groans]'' At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside of pinata! You should think about going on a diet! :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Yeah, you should think about getting yourself a pair of pants! ''[covers himself as if being naked]'' I feel all exposed and nasty! ''[Shrek and Artie laugh]'' Oh, so you two think this is funny?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! :'''Shrek''': Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs. :'''Artie''': He's a star, people! ''Hello?!'' I'm Sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. :'''Shrek''': I'm gonna lose it! ''[continues trying to keep his cool]'' :'''Artie''': I assume you have everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room? :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Yeah, the breakfast croissants stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. ''[aggravated]'' Oh, and please tell me you at least got the saffron corn with jalapeño honey butter. Because our client cannot get into his properly emotional state without his jalapeño '''''HONEY BUTTER!!!!''''' :'''Shrek''': I just lost it. :''[Puss turns eyes at Shrek even more aggravated]'' :'''Guard''': Maybe we should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. :'''Puss''': ''[in Donkey's body]'' Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, i promise! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[confronts Charming in the dressing room]'' Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. :'''Prince Charming''': Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. ''[presses a button]'' :'''Shrek''': ''[grabs him]'' Where's Fiona? :'''Prince Charming''': Don't worry. She and the others are safe, for now. ''[grins evilly; the guards burst in and hold Artie hostage. Shrek puts him down]'' Let me guess. Arthur. :'''Artie''': ''[facing him]'' It's "Artie", actually. :'''Prince Charming''': This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? ''[laughs and held the dagger to Artie's throat]'' How pathetic. Stand still so I won't make a mess. :'''Shrek''': Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. :'''Artie''': Then who's this about? I'm supposed to be king, right? :'''Shrek''': You weren't really next in line for the throne, I was! :'''Artie''': ''[angered]'' But you said the king asked for me personally. :'''Shrek''': Not exactly. :'''Artie''': What's that supposed to mean? :'''Shrek''': Look, I said whatever I had to say, alright? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me, and you fit the bill! So, so just go! :'''Artie''': ''[shocked and hurt]'' You were playing me the whole time? :'''Shrek''': You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. :''[Donkey tries to reason with Artie, but Puss stops him]'' :'''Artie''': You know, for a minute there...I actually thought you... :'''Prince Charming''': What? That ''he'' cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? ''[Artie breaks free from the guards and glares at Shrek before storming out the dressing room in anger. Shrek feels guilty]'' You really do have a way with children, Shrek. :''[The guards lead Shrek out of the room]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' We went to high school, the boat crashed, and we've got Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Booped by the magic man! :'''Doris''': You poor sweet things. :'''Cinderella''': ''[confused]'' I don't get it. :'''Snow White''': The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? :'''Sleeping Beauty''': ''[wakes up]'' Huh? Who dat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body]'' Alright people, let's do this thing. Go Team Dynamite! :'''Pinocchio''': But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super-cool. :'''Gingerbread Man''': As I recall, it was Team Awesome. :'''Wolf''': I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. :'''Donkey''': ''[in Puss' body, annoyed]'' All right, all right, all right! From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Artie''': ''[off-screen]'' Everybody, stop! :'''Prince Charming''': ''[exasperated]'' Oh, what is it now?! :'''Shrek''': ''[surprised]'' Artie? :'''Artie''': ''[jumping and leaping onto the stage]'' Who really thinks we need to settle things this way? ''[all the villains raise their hands]'' You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives? :'''Hook''': But we are villains. It's the only thing we know. :'''Artie''': Didn't you ever wish you could be something else? :'''Evil Tree Steve''': Well, it's easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. :'''Prince Charming''': You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them! :'''Evil Tree Ed''': ''[covering Charming's mouth]'' What Steve's trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. :'''Evil Tree Steve''': Right. Thanks, Ed. :'''Artie''': Okay, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know, a good friend of mine once told me... that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one. ''[Shrek smiles]'' The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way... is you. :'''Rumpelstiltskin''': Me? :'''Guard''': Get him, lads! :'''Artie''': No, no! What I mean is, each of you, is standing in your own way. :'''Villains''': ''[realizing]'' Oh. :'''Headless Horseman''': I've always wanted to play the flute. :'''Evil Queen''': I'd like to open up a spa in France! :'''Hook''': I grow daffodils, and they're beautiful. ''[smiles, looks thoughtfully at his sword, and throws it down]'' :''[The pirates throw theirs down, followed by the witches and Evil Knights. The evil knight, who's holding Pinocchio, is thinking about it, when Pinocchio reaches over and takes the ax from him. The weapons pile up in the middle of the stage. Everyone else cheers and starts to mingle, introducing themselves and shaking hands. Gingy high fives with an Evil Knight. Fiona is untied. Mabel walks up to Doris and lightly punches her on the jaw. Doris returns the sign of affection by punching Mabel in the jaw, but a bit too hard, sending her falling to the ground. Suddenly, Charming kicks himself free from the Evil Tree, and charges them. He grabs a sword from the discard pile and raises it up, his aim set at Artie. Despite his fear, Artie faces Charming bravely. As Charming charges, Shrek finds the strength to break his chains. Just before Charming strikes, a chain whips into frame, wrapping around the sword. Shrek pulls Charming around in a circle, away from Artie. Enraged, he charges at Shrek and impales him with the sword. Charming let us go, and Shrek stumbles back with the weapon impaled in him, and falls to the floor, groaning]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[thinking he killed Shrek; laughs evilly, and turn to the audience]'' A new era finally begins! ''[the audience cowers, but Shrek looks up smiling and nods at Fiona and Artie]'' Now, all of you, bow before your king! :'''Shrek''': ''[rises up behind Charming, and clears his throat, which started Charming in shock]'' You need to work on your aim. ''[takes the sword out of his armpit, and holds up Charming in the air]'' :'''Prince Charming''': ''[doesn't believe this]'' This was supposed to be ''my'' Happily Ever After! :'''Shrek''': Well, I guess you need to keep looking… ''[looks at Fiona lovingly, then back at Charming]'' …'cause I'm not giving up mine. ''[throws Charming on the stage and whistles the signal]'' :''[Dragon pushes the tower with her tail] :'''Prince Charming''': ''[looking up; also last words before his death]'' Mommy?! :''[The tower crushes Charming, killing him instantly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Puss''': ''[normal voice]'' Are you, uh...? :'''Donkey''': ''[normal voice]'' I'm me again! :'''Puss''': And I'm not you! :'''Donkey''': ''[hugs Puss]'' All right! :'''Merlin''': Oops. ''[realizes that Puss's cape and Donkey's tail were swapped, then walks away]'' Ah, never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shrek''': ''[looking at Artie talking with princesses]'' See, what did I tell you? The kid's gonna make a great king. :'''Princess Fiona''': For what it's worth, you would have too. :'''Shrek''': ''[rubs Fiona's stomach]'' I have something much more important in mind. :''[They kiss lovingly.]'' == Cast == * [[w:Mike Myers|Mike Myers]] — [[w:Shrek (character)|Shrek]] * [[Eddie Murphy]] — [[w:Donkey (Shrek)|Donkey]] * [[Cameron Diaz]] — [[w:Princess Fiona|Princess Fiona]] * [[w:Antonio Banderas|Antonio Banderas]] - [[w:Puss in Boots (Shrek)|Puss in Boots]] * [[Julie Andrews]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Queen Lillian|Queen Lillian]] * [[John Cleese]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#King Harold|King Harold]] * [[w:Rupert Everett|Rupert Everett]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Prince Charming|Prince Charming]] * [[Eric Idle]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#Merlin|Merlin]] * [[Justin Timberlake]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#King Arthur Pendragon|Artie]] * [[Frank Welker]] — [[w:Dragon (Shrek)|Dragon]] * [[w:Conrad Vernon|Conrad Vernon]] — [[w:List of Shrek characters#The Muffin Man|The Muffin Man]] * [[w:Cody Cameron|Cody Cameron]] - [[Pinocchio]], and [[The Three Pigs]] * Babies: ? == See Also == * ''[[Shrek]]'', a 2001 animated film. * ''[[Shrek 2]]'', the 2004 sequel. * ''[[Shrek Forever After]]'', the 2010 fourth film. * [[Puss in Boots (2011 film)|''Puss in Boots'' (2011 film)]], a 2011 spin-off film. * [[Puss in Boots: The Last Wish]], a 2022 sequel == Taglines == * Who's ready for Thirds? * He's in for the royal treatment * The Wait is Ogre! * Cookies that talk. Trees that walk. Donkeys on deck. It must be... Shrek! * A family movie you will want to see ogre, and ogre, and ogre again * The best Shrek yet! * For the funniest happily ever after. == External Links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0413267|title=Shrek the Third}} * {{rotten-tomatoes| id=shrek_the_third| title=Shrek the Third}} {{Shrek}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2007 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2007 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:American pregnancy films]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Animated films about death]] [[Category:Films about body swapping]] [[Category:Animated films about dragons]] [[Category:Films directed by Raman Hui]] [[Category:Animated films about royalty]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Animated films set in the Middle Ages]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Shrek]] [[Category:Animated films about cats]] [[Category:Films about princes]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:Animated films about babies]] [[Category:Animated films about wizards]] [[Category:Animated films about pregnancy]] [[Category:2000s English-language films]] [[Category:Animated Arthurian films]] e05h8nv95rbwl5ngcvhh4ttumzz8vek 3 45006 3954273 3727232 2026-06-18T20:46:35Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 /* Block */ 3954273 wikitext text/x-wiki Hi {{PAGENAME}}. [[Wikiquote:Welcome, newcomers|Welcome]] to [[Wikiquote:About|English Wikiquote]]. * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]]. ** Also see [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]] for common activities that Wikiquote does not support. * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]]. * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our [[Wikiquote:Browse|browsing start page]]. * Before creating new articles, consult our [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide]]. You may practice [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page|how to edit a page]] at [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|Sandbox]]. * Please remember to use [[Help:Edit summary|edit summaries]] when editing pages. * When posting to a discussion, [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|please sign with a date]] by writing four tildes (~&#126;~~) and saving. * [[w:Wikipedia:Be bold|Be bold]]. Enjoy! '''[[User:Cbrown1023|<span style="color:green">Cbrown1023</span>]]''' <small>'''[[User talk:Cbrown1023|<span style="color:#002bb8">talk</span>]]'''</small> 00:29, 27 February 2007 (UTC) == [[Flight 29 Down]] == {{test2a-n|Flight 29 Down}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 01:11, 27 February 2007 (UTC) == Disney shows == I don't quite understand what you are doing with shows, but you appear to be blanking pages, then trying to reconstruct them. But in doing so, you are removing a lot of content, and then not coming back to the page right away. This leaves empty pages. Please don't continue this unless you add quotes back right away. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:07, 20 March 2007 (UTC) Another issue is creating pages for a show, like [[Unfabulous]] which are nothing more than episode titles. You created this page over a week ago, but have yet to add quotes or an intro. Such a page is likely to be nominated for deletion unless quotes are added very soon. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:09, 20 March 2007 (UTC) And yet another item: the page you are creating, [[Disney Channel Shows]] is not one that is needed here. This purpose is more easily served through the use of categories - and there already is one: . ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:14, 20 March 2007 (UTC) Please stop just removing quotes - if you want to really recreate these pages, create a work in progress page, as a subpage to your userpage, complete all the work, and then and only then, bring it back to the actual show page. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:22, 20 March 2007 (UTC) {{test3}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:30, 20 March 2007 (UTC) == Hannah Montana Quotes == I've moved this page that you created to [[User:EHStories/Hannah Montana Quotes]] while it is still a work in progress. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:48, 20 March 2007 (UTC) :Please stop recreating the [[Hannah Montana Quotes]] page. If you want to create something, use the sub-page [[User:EHStories/Hannah Montana Quotes]]. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:58, 20 March 2007 (UTC) == Block == {{test5}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 17:18, 20 March 2007 (UTC) : Also, when the block expires, if you resume making edits that replace existing content without explanation, do not follow formatting and content guidelines described at [[Wikiquote:Templates]] and its subpages, simply create pages full of structure without quotes, fail to respond to any queries about why you are refusing to cooperate with Wikiquote practices, and/or vandalize the pages of users who are trying to get you to explain your actions, you will be permanently blocked as a disruptive editor. You are welcome to — no, '''encouraged''' to ask any questions about this situation — but if you will not communicate with your fellow editors, you leave us no choice. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 23:35, 20 March 2007 (UTC) [[Category:User Talks]] fq1ieod6wh24uxvku362u634xpbci7w 3954290 3954273 2026-06-18T21:08:45Z Codename Noreste 3154048 Reverted edit by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-33903-94|~2026-33903-94]] ([[User talk:~2026-33903-94|talk]]) to last version by ShakespeareFan00 3727232 wikitext text/x-wiki Hi {{PAGENAME}}. [[Wikiquote:Welcome, newcomers|Welcome]] to [[Wikiquote:About|English Wikiquote]]. * For a quick overview of what Wikiquote is, read [[Wikiquote:Wikiquote]]. ** Also see [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not|What Wikiquote is not]] for common activities that Wikiquote does not support. * To ask for help or to talk with another editor, visit our [[Wikiquote:Village pump|Village pump]]. * To browse Wikiquote, take a look at our [[Wikiquote:Browse|browsing start page]]. * Before creating new articles, consult our [[Wikiquote:Guide to layout|guide]]. You may practice [[Wikiquote:How to edit a page|how to edit a page]] at [[Wikiquote:Sandbox|Sandbox]]. * Please remember to use [[Help:Edit summary|edit summaries]] when editing pages. * When posting to a discussion, [[Wikiquote:Sign your posts on talk pages|please sign with a date]] by writing four tildes (~&#126;~~) and saving. * [[w:Wikipedia:Be bold|Be bold]]. Enjoy! '''[[User:Cbrown1023|<span style="color:green">Cbrown1023</span>]]''' <small>'''[[User talk:Cbrown1023|<span style="color:#002bb8">talk</span>]]'''</small> 00:29, 27 February 2007 (UTC) == [[Flight 29 Down]] == {{test2a-n|Flight 29 Down}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 01:11, 27 February 2007 (UTC) == Disney shows == I don't quite understand what you are doing with shows, but you appear to be blanking pages, then trying to reconstruct them. But in doing so, you are removing a lot of content, and then not coming back to the page right away. This leaves empty pages. Please don't continue this unless you add quotes back right away. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:07, 20 March 2007 (UTC) Another issue is creating pages for a show, like [[Unfabulous]] which are nothing more than episode titles. You created this page over a week ago, but have yet to add quotes or an intro. Such a page is likely to be nominated for deletion unless quotes are added very soon. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:09, 20 March 2007 (UTC) And yet another item: the page you are creating, [[Disney Channel Shows]] is not one that is needed here. This purpose is more easily served through the use of categories - and there already is one: [[Category:Disney Channel shows]]. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:14, 20 March 2007 (UTC) Please stop just removing quotes - if you want to really recreate these pages, create a work in progress page, as a subpage to your userpage, complete all the work, and then and only then, bring it back to the actual show page. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:22, 20 March 2007 (UTC) {{test3}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:30, 20 March 2007 (UTC) == Hannah Montana Quotes == I've moved this page that you created to [[User:EHStories/Hannah Montana Quotes]] while it is still a work in progress. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:48, 20 March 2007 (UTC) :Please stop recreating the [[Hannah Montana Quotes]] page. If you want to create something, use the sub-page [[User:EHStories/Hannah Montana Quotes]]. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 16:58, 20 March 2007 (UTC) == Block == {{test5}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] 17:18, 20 March 2007 (UTC) : Also, when the block expires, if you resume making edits that replace existing content without explanation, do not follow formatting and content guidelines described at [[Wikiquote:Templates]] and its subpages, simply create pages full of structure without quotes, fail to respond to any queries about why you are refusing to cooperate with Wikiquote practices, and/or vandalize the pages of users who are trying to get you to explain your actions, you will be permanently blocked as a disruptive editor. You are welcome to — no, '''encouraged''' to ask any questions about this situation — but if you will not communicate with your fellow editors, you leave us no choice. ~ [[User:Jeffq|Jeff Q]]&nbsp;[[User talk:Jeffq|(talk)]] 23:35, 20 March 2007 (UTC) rxsp7bbd56hc5fr2sk4biwltzfrlpgq 0 59014 3954339 3909496 2026-06-19T00:38:08Z Johndrob 1760703 Added link for Woodrow Wilson's 1919 quote. 3954339 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:George Washington at Princeton.jpg|thumb|If Men are to be precluded from offering their [[sentiments]] on a matter, which may involve the most [[serious]] and alarming [[consequences]], that can invite the [[consideration]] of [[Mankind]]; [[reason]] is of no use to us — the [[freedom of Speech]] may be taken away — and, dumb & [[silent]] we may be led, like [[sheep]], to the Slaughter. ~ [[George Washington]]]] [[File:The light of Liberty 02.JPG|thumb|Governments need and have ample power to punish treasonable acts. But it does not follow that they must have a further power to punish thought and speech as distinguished from acts. Our own free society should never forget that laws which stigmatize and penalize thought and speech of the unorthodox have a way of reaching, ensnaring and silencing many more people than at first intended. We must have freedom of speech for all or we will in the long run have it for none but the cringing and the craven. And I cannot too often repeat my belief that the right to speak on matters of public concern must be wholly free or eventually be wholly lost. ~ [[Hugo Black]]]] [[File:Tom Denning, Baron Denning, in 1950.jpg|thumb|Freedom of speech means not only freedom for the views with which you agree but also freedom for the views which you hate and deplore. ~ [[Alfred Denning, Baron Denning]]]] [[File:Frederick Douglas NYHS c1866.jpg|thumb|Liberty is meaningless where the right to utter one's thoughts and opinions has ceased to exist. That, of all rights, is the dread of tyrants. It is the right which they first of all strike down. They know its power. Thrones, dominions, principalities, and powers, founded in injustice and wrong, are sure to tremble, if men are allowed to reason of righteousness, temperance, and of a judgment to come in their presence. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]] [[File:1896 Alfred-Pierre Agache - The Sword.jpg|thumb|I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the [[death]] your [[right]] to say it. ~ [[Evelyn Beatrice Hall]] ]] [[File:Wendell Phillips by Brady.jpg|thumb|He who stifles [[free]] discussion, secretly [[doubts]] whether what he professes to [[believe]] is really [[true]]. ~ [[Wendell Phillips]]]] [[File:Frederick Douglass portrait.jpg|thumb|Slavery cannot tolerate free speech. ~ [[Frederick Douglass]]]] '''[[w:Freedom of speech|Freedom of speech]]''' is the concept of being able to speak [[freely]] without [[censorship]]. It is often regarded as an integral concept in modern democracies. == Quotes == [[File:Sample 09-F9 protest art, Free Speech Flag by John Marcotte.svg|thumb|The [[class]] which has the [[Means of production|means of material production]] at its disposal has control over the means of mental production, so that in consequence the ideas of those who lack the means of mental production are, in general, subject to it. ~ [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]]]] [[File:Eric Blair (George Orwell) from his Metropolitan Police file.jpg|thumb|right|It is not exactly forbidden to say this, that or the other, but it is ‘not done’ to say it, just as in mid-Victorian times it was ‘not done’ to mention trousers in the presence of a lady. Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with surprising effectiveness. ~ [[George Orwell]]]] [[File:Noam Chomsky WSF - 2003.jpg|thumb|right|The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum—even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate. ~ [[Noam Chomsky]]]] ===1600s=== * Give me the [[liberty]] to know, to utter, and to argue freely according to conscience, above all liberties. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[s:Areopagitica|Areopagitica: A Speech for the Liberty of Unlicens'd Printing, to the Parliament of England]]'' (published November 23, 1644). ===1700s=== * Freedom of speech is a principal pillar of a free government; when this support is taken away, the [[Constitutions|constitution]] of a [[free society]] is dissolved, and tyranny is erected on its ruins. Republics and limited monarchies derive their strength and vigor from a popular examination into the action of the magistrates. ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], [http://books.google.de/books?id=HptPAQAAIAAJ&pg=PA431&lpg=PA431&dq=Freedom+of+speech+is+a+principal+pillar+of+a+free+government;+when+this+support+is+taken+away,+the+constitution+of+a+free+society+is+dissolved,+and+tyranny+is+erected+on+its+ruins.&source=bl&ots=0q9H1vbS9z&sig=JGhD4KSK_PbPldhlNlo1_R78MQI&hl=de&sa=X&ei=hLgfUYWHLtCN4gTSlYCQBw&ved=0CHIQ6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=Freedom%20of%20speech%20is%20a%20principal%20pillar%20of%20a%20free%20government%3B%20when%20this%20support%20is%20taken%20away%2C%20the%20constitution%20of%20a%20free%20society%20is%20dissolved%2C%20and%20tyranny%20is%20erected%20on%20its%20ruins.&f=false "On Freedom of Speech and the Press", ''Pennsylvania Gazette'', 17 November 1737]. *There is nothing so ''fretting'' and ''vexatious'', nothing so justly TERRIBLE to tyrants, and their tools and abettors, as a FREE PRESS. **{{w|Samuel Adams}}, (''{{w|Boston Gazette}}'', 1768) &mdash; cited in: {{cite book|page=61|first=Jonathan W.|last=Emord|title=Freedom, Technology, and the First Amendment|year=1991|publisher=Pacific Research Institute for Public Policy}} * For if Men are to be precluded from offering their Sentiments on a matter, which may involve the most serious and alarming consequences, that can invite the consideration of Mankind, reason is of no use to us; the freedom of Speech may be taken away, and, dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep, to the Slaughter. ** [[George Washington]], address to the officers of the army, Newburgh, New York (March 15, 1783); reported in John C. Fitzpatrick, ed, ''The Writings of George Washington'' (1938), vol. 26, p. 225. *Were it left to me to decide whether we should have a government without [[newspapers]], or newspapers without government, I should not hesitate a moment to prefer the latter. **[[Thomas Jefferson]] to Edward Carrington, January 16, 1787, ''The Thomas Jefferson Papers Series 1, General Correspondence, 1651-1827'' ([[w:Library of Congress|Library of Congress]]). * The free communication of [[Thought|thoughts]] and of [[Opinion|opinions]] is one of the most precious rights of man: any [[Citizenship|citizen]] thus may speak, write, print freely, except to respond to the abuse of this liberty, in the cases determined by the law. ** [http://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Declaration_of_the_Rights_of_Man_and_of_the_Citizen Declaration of the Rights of Man and of the Citizen (1789), Article XI] * [[United States Congress|Congress]] shall make no law respecting an establishment of [[religion]], or prohibiting the [[Freedom of religion|free exercise]] thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the [[Freedom of assembly|right of the people peaceably to assemble]], and to petition the government for a redress of grievances. ** [[First Amendment to the United States Constitution]]. December 15, 1791. [[File:Thomas Jefferson rev.jpg|thumb|[[Thomas Jefferson]] (1791)]] * I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty, than those attending too small a degree of it. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]] to Archibald Stuart, Philadelphia, December 23, 1791. ** Cited in {{cite book |author=Thomas Jefferson|authorlink=Thomas Jefferson | editor = Jerry Holmes | title = Thomas Jefferson: A Chronology of His Thoughts | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=iOHNKGJGo94C&pg=PA128&dq=%22too+much+liberty%22+0742521168&sig=kwr0H-XgcHnnQiMeH4PARcN0D_4 | year = 2002 | publisher = Rowman & Littlefield | id = {{ISBN|0742521168 }} | pages = p. 128 | chapter = 1791}} * Every man has a right to utter what he thinks truth, and every other man has a right to knock him down for it. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], as quoted in James Boswell's ''The Life of Samuel Johnson'', Vol. 1 (1791), p. 335. * The power of [[communication]] of thoughts and opinions is the gift of God, and the freedom of it is the source of all science, the first fruits and the ultimate happiness of society; and therefore it seems to follow, that human laws ought not to interpose, nay, cannot interpose, to prevent the communication of sentiments and opinions in voluntary assemblies of men. ** Eyre, L.C.J., ''Hardy's Case'' (1794), 24 How. St. Tr. 206; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''The Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 99. * To preserve the freedom of the human mind then and freedom of the press, every spirit should be ready to devote itself to [[martyrdom]]; for as long as we may think as we will, and speak as we think, the condition of man will proceed in improvement. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [http://www.princeton.edu/~tjpapers/munford/munford.html Letter to William Green Mumford (18 June 1799)]. ===={{w|Cato's Letters}}, [[w:John Trenchard (writer)|John Trenchard]] and [[w:Thomas Gordon (writer)|Thomas Gordon]] (Letter Number 15, ''[[s:Cato's Letters/Letter 15|Of Freedom of Speech, That the Same is inseparable from Publick Liberty]]'', February 4, 1720)==== *Without Freedom of Thought, there can be no such Thing as Wisdom; and no such Thing as public Liberty, without Freedom of Speech; which is the Right of every Man, as far as by it, he does not hurt or control the Right of another. And this is the only Check it ought to suffer, and the only bounds it ought to know. This sacred Privilege is to essential to free Governments, that the Security of [[Property]], and the Freedom of Speech always go together; and in those wretched Countries where a Man cannot call his Tongue his own, he can scarce call any Thing else his own. Whoever would overthrow the Liberty of a Nation, must begin by subduing the Freedom of Speech; a ''Thing'' terrible to Publick [[Treason|Traytors]]. * That Men ought to speak well of their ''Governours'' is true, while their ''Governours'', deserve to be well spoken of, but to do publick [[Mischief]], without hearing of it, is only the Prerogative and Felicity of [[Tyranny]]: A free People will be shewing that they are so, by their Freedom of Speech. * The Administration of Government, is nothing else but the Attendence of the ''Trustees of the People'' upon the Interest and Affairs of the People: And as it is the Part and Business of the People, for whole Sake alone all publick Matters are, or ought to be transacted, to see whether they be well or ill transacted, so it is the Interest, and ought to be the Ambition, of all honest Magistrates, to have their Deeds openly examined, and Publickly scann'd[.] * Freedom of Speech is ever the Symptom, as well as the Effect of a good Government. In old Rome, all was left to the Judgment and Pleasure of the People, who examined the publick Proceedings with such Discretion, & censured those who administred them with such Equity and Mildness, that in the space of Three Hundred Years, not five publick Ministers suffered unjustly. Indeed whenever the Commons proceeded to Violence, the great Ones had been the Agressors. * Guilt only dreads Liberty of Speech, which drags it out of its lurking Holes, and exposes its Deformity and Horrour to Day-light. * The best Princes have ever encouraged and Promoted Freedom of Speech; they know that upright Measures would defend themselves, and that all upright Men would defend them. * Misrepressentation of publick Measures is easily overthrown, by representing publick Measures truly; when they are honest, they ought to be publickly known, that they may be publickly commended, but if they are knavish or pernicious, they ought to be publickly exposed, in order to be pubickly detested. * Freedom of speech is the great bulwark of liberty; they prosper and die together: And it is the terror of [[Treason|traitors]] and [[Oppression|oppressors]], and a barrier against them. It produces excellent writers, and encourages men of fine genius. * All Ministers … who were Oppressors, or intended to be Oppressors, have been loud in their Complaints against Freedom of Speech, and the License of the Press; and always restrained, or endeavored to restrain, both. ===1800s=== * Error of opinion may be tolerated where [[reason]] is left free to combat it. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address]], March 4, 1801. *The diffusion of information and arraignment of all abuses at the bar of the public reason; [[freedom of religion]]; [[freedom of the press]], and freedom of person under the protection of the [[w:Habeas corpus|habeas corpus]], and trial by [[Jury|juries]] impartially selected. These principles form the bright constellation which has gone before us and guided our steps through an age of revolution and reformation. The wisdom of our sages and blood of our heroes have been devoted to their attainment. They should be the creed of our political faith, the text of civic instruction, the touchstone by which to try the services of those we trust; and should we wander from them in moments of error or of alarm, let us hasten to retrace our steps and to regain the road which alone leads to peace, liberty, and safety. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [[s:Thomas Jefferson's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address]], March 4, 1801. * When people talk of the freedom of writing, speaking, or thinking, I cannot choose but laugh. No such thing ever existed. No such thing now exists; but I hope it will exist. But it must be hundreds of years after you and I shall write and speak no more. ** [[John Adams]], in a letter to [[Thomas Jefferson]], 15 July, 1817. * May it be to the world, what I believe it will be, (to some parts sooner, to others later, but finally to all,) the signal of arousing men to burst the chains under which monkish ignorance and superstition had persuaded them to bind themselves, and to assume the blessings and security of self-government. That form which we have substituted, restores the free right to the unbounded exercise of reason and freedom of opinion. All eyes are opened, or opening, to the rights of man. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], Letter to Roger Weightman, June 24, 1826, in ''The Life and Selected Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', ed. Adrienne Koch and William Peden (New York: Modern Library, 1944), p. 729. * A popular Government without popular information, or the means of acquiring it, is but a Prologue to a Farce or a Tragedy, or perhaps both. [[Knowledge]] will forever govern ignorance: And a people who mean to be their own Governors, must arm themselves with the power which knowledge gives. ** [[James Madison]], [http://press-pubs.uchicago.edu/founders/documents/v1ch18s35.html Letter to W.T. Barry] (4 August 1822) * I know of no country in which there is so little independence of mind and real freedom of discussion as in America. ** [[Alexis de Tocqueville]], ''[[w:Democracy in America|Democracy in America]]'', Volume I (1835), Chapter XV * In America the majority raises formidable barriers around the liberty of opinion; within these barriers an author may write what he pleases, but woe to him if he goes beyond them. ** [[Alexis de Tocqueville]], ''[[w:Democracy in America|Democracy in America]]'', Volume I (1835), Chapter XV * How absurd men are! They never use the liberties they have, they demand those they do not have. They have freedom of thought, they demand freedom of speech. ** [[Soren Kierkegaard]] ''Either/Or Part I'' (1843), Swenson p. 19. * People hardly ever make use of the freedom they have, for example, freedom of thought; instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation. ** [[Soren Kierkegaard]], as quoted in ''The Fitzhenry & Whiteside Book of Quotations'' (1981), p. 172. * And I honor the man who is willing to sink <br /> Half his present repute for the freedom to think, <br /> And, when he has thought, be his cause strong or weak, <br /> Will risk t'other half for the freedom to speak. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''A Fable for Critics'' (1848), Pt. V - ''Cooper'', st. 3. * No law shall be passed restraining the free expression of opinion, or restricting the right to speak, write or print freely on any subject whatever. ** ''{{w|Oregon Constitution}}'', (1857), Article I, Section 8. * The [[class]] which has the [[Means of production|means of material production]] at its disposal has control over the means of mental production, so that in consequence the ideas of those who lack the means of mental production are, in general, subject to it. ** [[Karl Marx]] and [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|The German Ideology}}'' ca. April or early May 1846 [[File:John Stuart Mill by John Watkins, 1865.jpg|thumb|[[John Stuart Mill]]]] * Strange it is that men should admit the validity of the arguments for free speech but object to their being "pushed to an extreme", not seeing that unless the reasons are good for an extreme case, they are not good for any case. ** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''On Liberty'' (1859) Ch. 2, {{cite book | last = Mill | title = On Liberty | url = | year = 1985 | publisher = Penguin | pages = p. 108}} * If any opinion is compelled to silence, that opinion may, for aught we can certainly know, be true. To deny this is to assume our own infallibility. … Though the silenced opinion be an error, it may, and very commonly does, contain a portion of truth; and since the general or prevailing opinion on any subject is rarely or never the whole truth, it is only by the collision of adverse opinions that the remainder of the truth has any chance of being supplied … Even if the received opinion be not only true, but the whole truth; unless it is suffered to be, and actually is, vigorously and earnestly contested, it will, by most of those who receive it, be held in the manner of a prejudice, with little comprehension [of] or feeling [for] its rational grounds. ** [[John Stuart Mill]], ''{{w|On Liberty}}'', (1859). * He who stifles [[free]] discussion, secretly [[doubts]] whether what he professes to [[believe]] is really true. ** [[Wendell Phillips]], oration delivered at [[w:Daniel O'Connell|Daniel O'Connell]] celebration, Boston (6 August 1870), published in ''Wendell Phillips: The Agitator'' (1890) by William Carlos Martyn, p. 563 <!-- New York: Funk & Wagnalls Company --> * I do not believe that the tendency is to make men and women brave and glorious when you tell them that there are certain ideas upon certain subjects that they must never express; that they must go through life with a pretence as a shield; that their neighbors will think much more of them if they will only keep still; and that above all is a [[God]] who despises one who honestly expresses what he believes. For my part, I believe men will be nearer honest in [[business]], in [[politics]], grander in [[art]] — in everything that is good and grand and beautiful, if they are taught from the cradle to the coffin to tell their honest opinion. ** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], The Great Infidels (1881) * Standing in the presence of the Unknown, all have the same right to think, and all are equally interested in the great questions of origin and destiny. All I claim, all I plead for, is liberty of [[thought]] and expression. That is all. I do not pretend to tell what is absolutely true, but what I think is true. I do not pretend to tell all the [[truth]].<br> I do not claim that I have floated level with the heights of [[thought]], or that I have descended to the very depths of things. I simply claim that what ideas I have, I have a right to express; and that any man who denies that right to me is an intellectual thief and robber. That is [[all]]. ** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], The Liberty of Man, Woman and Child (1877) * I would not wish to live in a [[world]] where I could not express my honest opinions. Men who deny to others the right of speech are not fit to live with honest men. <br> I deny the right of any man, of any number of men, of any [[church]], of any [[State]], to put a padlock on the lips — to make the tongue a convict. I passionately deny the right of the Herod of authority to kill the children of the brain. ** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], in an [http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/blasphemy_trial.html appeal to the jury in the trial of C.B. Reynolds for blasphemy (May 1887)]. * I am a believer in [[liberty]]. That is my [[religion]] — to give to every other human being every right that I claim for myself, and I grant to every other human being, not the right — because it is his right — but instead of granting I declare that it is his right, to attack every doctrine that I maintain, to answer every argument that I may urge — in other words, he must have absolute freedom of speech. ** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], in an [http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/blasphemy_trial.html appeal to the jury in the trial of C.B. Reynolds for blasphemy (May 1887)]. * I would defend the freedom of speech. And why? Because no attack can be answered by force, no argument can be refuted by a blow, or by imprisonment, or by fine. You may imprison the man, but the argument is free; you may fell the man to the earth, but the statement stands. ** [[Robert G. Ingersoll]], in an [http://www.infidels.org/library/historical/robert_ingersoll/blasphemy_trial.html appeal to the jury in the trial of C.B. Reynolds for blasphemy (May 1887)]. * Without free speech no search for Truth is possible; without free speech no discovery of Truth is useful; without free speech progress is checked, and the nations no longer march forward towards the nobler life which the future holds for man. Better a thousandfold abuse of free speech than denial of free speech. The abuse dies in a day; the denial slays the life of the people and entombs the hope of the race. ** [[Charles Bradlaugh]], Speech at Hall of Science ''c.''1880 quoted in ''[[wikisource:An Autobiography/Chapter IX|An Autobiography]]'' of [[Annie Besant]]; reported in ''Edmund Fuller, Thesaurus of Quotations'' (1941), p. 398; reported as unverified in ''Respectfully Quoted: A Dictionary of Quotations'' (1989). *Liberty is meaningless where the right to utter one's thoughts and opinions has ceased to exist. That, of all rights, is the dread of tyrants. It is the right which they first of all strike down. They know its power. Thrones, dominions, principalities, and powers, founded in injustice and wrong, are sure to tremble, if men are allowed to reason of [[righteousness]], [[temperance]], and of a [[judgment]] to come in their presence. [[Slavery in the United States|Slavery]] cannot tolerate free speech. **[[Frederick Douglass]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20180817211110/http://www.speeches-usa.com/Transcripts/fredrick_douglas-boston.html Plea for Free Speech in Boston] (8 June 1880) * It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them. ** [[Mark Twain]], ''Following the Equator'', Vol. 1 (1897), ch. 20. ===1900s=== * I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. ** [[Evelyn Beatrice Hall]], Ch. 7 : ''[[w:The Friends of Voltaire|Helvetius: The Contradiction]]'' (1906), p. 199. Often [[Voltaire#Misattributed|misattributed to Voltaire]]. * [[Anarchism]] says, Make no laws whatever concerning speech, and speech will be free; so soon as you make a declaration on paper that speech shall be free, you will have a hundred lawyers proving that "freedom does not mean abuse, nor liberty license"; and they will define and define freedom out of existence. Let the guarantee of free speech be in every man's determination to use it, and we shall have no need of paper declarations. ** [[Voltairine de Cleyre ]], [http://dwardmac.pitzer.edu/Anarchist_Archives/bright/cleyre/amertrad.html "Anarchism & American Traditions"] in ''Mother Earth'' (December 1908/January 1909) * Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high<br/>Where knowledge is free<br/>Where the world has not been broken up into fragments<br/>By narrow domestic walls<br/>Where words come out from the depth of truth<br/>Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection<br/>Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way<br/>Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit<br/>Where the mind is led forward by thee:Into ever-widening thought and action<br/>Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake. ** A poem by [[Rabindranath Tagore]] about freedom of expression. The original [[Bengali language|Bengali]] language poem, "Chitto jetha bhayashunyo", was published in 1910 and included in the collection Gitanjali by Tagore. * Without an unfettered press, without liberty of speech, all the outward forms and structures of free institutions are a sham, a pretense—the sheerest mockery. If the press is not free; if speech is not independent and untrammelled; if the mind is shackled or made impotent through fear, it makes no difference under what form of government you live you are a subject and not a citizen. [[Republic|Republics]] are not in and of themselves better than other forms of government except in so far as they carry with them and guarantee to the citizen that liberty of thought and action for which they were established. ** [[w:William Borah|William E. Borah]], remarks in the Senate (April 19, 1917), ''Congressional Record'', vol. 55, p. 837. * The First Amendment ... gives no one the right to insist that, in pursuit of their own interests [[Dictatorship|others must conform]] their conduct to his own religious necessities ** Warren E. Burger, ''Estate of Thornton v. Caldor'', Inc., 472 U.S. 703 (1985) * I realize that, in speaking to you this afternoon, there are certain limitations placed upon the right of free speech. I must be exceedingly careful, prudent, as to what I say, and even more careful and prudent as to how I say it. I may not be able to say all I think; but I am not going to say anything that I do not think. I would rather a thousand times be a free soul in [[Prison|jail]] than to be a sycophant and coward in the streets. ** [[Eugene V. Debs]], speech to the Socialist party of Ohio state convention, Canton, Ohio (June 16, 1918); republished in Jean Y. Tussey, ed., ''Eugene V. Debs Speaks'' (1970), p. 244. This was Debs's most famous speech. It was a socialist antiwar speech while the United States was at war, and it was used against him at his trial. Debs was convicted under the Espionage Law and sentenced to 10 years in prison. President Warren G. Harding commuted the sentence in 1921. * I have always been among those who believed that the greatest freedom of speech was the greatest safety, because if a man is a fool, the best thing to do is to encourage him to advertise the fact by speaking. It cannot be so easily discovered if you allow him to remain silent and look wise, but if you let him speak, the secret is out and the world knows that he is a fool. So it is by the exposure of folly that it is defeated; not by the [[seclusion]] of folly, and in this free air of free speech men get into that sort of communication with one another which constitutes the basis of all common achievement. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], [https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Public_Papers_of_Woodrow_Wilson_War/CqR1FpRaHdsC?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA484&printsec=frontcover "That Quick Comradeship of Letters," address at the Institute of France, Paris (May 10, 1919)]; in Ray Stannard Baker and William E. Dodd, eds., ''The Public Papers of Woodrow Wilson'' (1927), vol. 5, p. 484. * The general [[rule of law]] is, that the noblest of human productions — knowledge, truths ascertained, conceptions and ideas — become, after voluntary communication to others, free as the air to common use. **[[Louis Brandeis]], (''{{w|International News Service v. Associated Press}}'', 1918). * '''Freedom of expression is the matrix, the indispensable condition, of nearly every other form of freedom.''' ** [[Benjamin N. Cardozo]], ''Palko v. Connecticut'', 302 U.S. 319, 327, (1937) * But arms – instrumentalities, as [[Woodrow Wilson|President Wilson]] called them – are not sufficient by themselves. We must add to them the power of ideas. People say we ought not to allow ourselves to be drawn into a theoretical antagonism between [[Nazism|Nazidom]] and [[democracy]]; but the antagonism is here now. It is this very conflict of spiritual and moral ideas which gives the free countries a great part of their strength. You see these dictators on their pedestals, surrounded by the bayonets of their [[soldiers]] and the truncheons of their [[police]]. On all sides they are guarded by masses of armed men, [[wikipedia:Cannon|cannons]], aeroplanes, fortifications, and the like – they boast and vaunt themselves before the world, yet in their hearts there is unspoken fear. They are afraid of words and thoughts; words spoken abroad, thoughts stirring at home – all the more powerful because forbidden – terrify them. A little [[Mice|mouse]] of thought appears in the room, and even the mightiest potentates are thrown into panic. They make frantic efforts to bar our thoughts and words; they are afraid of the workings of the human mind. [[Cannonball Run II|Cannons]], [[Airplane|airplanes]], they can manufacture in large quantities; but how are they to quell the natural promptings of [[human nature]], which after all these centuries of trial and progress has inherited a whole armoury of potent and indestructible knowledge? ** [[Winston Churchill]], [https://winstonchurchill.org/resources/speeches/1930-1938-the-wilderness/the-defence-of-freedom-and-peace-the-lights-are-going-out/ Broadcast to the United States and to London], 16 October 1938 * So we must beware of a tyranny of opinion which tries to make only one side of a question the one which may be heard. Everyone is in favour of free speech. Hardly a day passes without its being extolled, but some people’s idea of it is that they are free to say what they like, but if anyone says anything back, that is an outrage. ** [[Winston Churchill]], October 13, 1943 Hansard, United Kingdom Parliament, Commons, Coalmining Situation, HC Deb, volume 392, cc920-1012. * After all, if freedom of speech means anything, it means a willingness to stand and let people say things with which we disagree, and which do weary us considerably. ** [[Zechariah Chafee]]; in {{cite book | last = Chafee | title = Freedom of Speech | url = http://books.google.com/books?id=XuQ9AAAAIAAJ&pg=PA366&dq=%22freedom+of+speech+means+anything%22&lr= | year = 1920 | publisher = Harcourt, Brace and Howe | pages = p. 366}} * The [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] is a delusion and a snare if the [[weak]]est and [[humbles]]t man in the land cannot be defended in his right to speak and his right to think as much as the [[strong]]est in the land. ** [[Clarence Darrow]] Address to the court in ''People v. Lloyd'' (1920) *When men have realized that time has upset many fighting faiths, they may come to believe even more than they believe the very foundations of their own conduct that the ultimate good is better reached by free trade in ideas — that the best test of truth is the power of the thought to get itself accepted in the competition of the market and that truth is the only ground upon which their wishes safely can be carried out. That at any rate is the theory of our Constitution. **[[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], (''{{w|Abrams v. United States}}'', 1919). * But the character of every act depends upon the circumstances in which it is done…. The most stringent protection of free speech would not protect a man in falsely shouting fire in a [[theatre]] and causing a [[panic]]. It does not even protect a man from an injunction against uttering words that may have all the effect of force…. The question in every case is whether the words used are used in such circumstances and are of such a nature as to create a clear and present danger that they will bring about the substantive evils that Congress has a right to prevent. It is a question of proximity and degree. ** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.]], ''Schenck v. United States'', 249 U.S. 52 (1919). ** Often paraphrased as: "Freedom of speech does not give a person the right to shout 'Fire!' in a crowded theatre." * Freiheit ist immer Freiheit der Andersdenkenden. ** Freedom is always the freedom of [[Dissent|dissenters]]. ** [[Rosa Luxemburg]], Sources: ''Die russische Revolution. Eine kritische Würdigung'', Berlin 1920 p. 109 and in ''Rosa Luxemburg - Gesammelte Werke'' Vol. 4, p. 359, Footnote 3, Dietz Verlag Berlin (Ost), 1983 *** Variant: "Freedom is always and exclusively freedom for the one who thinks differently." * So long as you are a [[slave]] to the opinions of the many you have not yet approached freedom or tasted its nectar… But I do not mean by this that we ought to be shameless before all men and to do what we ought not; but all that we refrain from and all that we do, let us not do or refrain from merely because it seems to the multitude somehow honorable or base, but because it is forbidden by reason and the god within us. ** [[Julian (emperor)|Julian]], As quoted in ''The Works of the Emperor Julian'' (1923) by Wilmer Cave France Wright, p. 47 * Herein lies the value of free speech. It makes concealment difficult, and, in the long run, impossible. One heretic, if he is right, is as good as a host. He is bound to win in the long run. It is thus no wonder that foes of the enlightenment always begin their proceedings by trying to deny free speech to their opponents. It is dangerous to them and they know it. So they have at it by accusing these opponents of all sorts of grave crimes and misdemeanors, most of them clearly absurd – in other words, by calling them names and trying to scare them. ** [[H. L. Mencken]], ''The Sad Case of Tennessee'' in the ''Chicago Tribune'' (March 14, 1926) *It is the function of speech to free men from the bondage of irrational fears. **{{w|Louis Brandeis}}, (''{{w|Whitney v. California}}'', 1927). *Those who won our independence believed that the final end of the State was to make men free to develop their faculties; and that in its government the deliberative forces should prevail over the arbitrary. They valued liberty both as an end and as a means. They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness and courage to be the secret of liberty. They believed that freedom to think as you will and to speak as you think are means indispensable to the discovery and spread of political truth; that without free speech and assembly discussion would be futile; that with them, discussion affords ordinarily adequate protection against the dissemination of noxious doctrine; that the greatest menace to freedom is an inert people; that public discussion is a political duty; and that this should be a fundamental principle of the American government. **{{w|Louis Brandeis}}, (''{{w|Whitney v. California}}'', 1927). *Those who won our independence by [[American Revolution|revolution]] were not cowards. They did not fear political change. They did not exalt order at the cost of liberty. To courageous, self-reliant men, with confidence in the power of free and fearless reasoning applied through the processes of popular government, no danger flowing from speech can be deemed clear and present, unless the incidence of the evil apprehended is so imminent that it may befall before there is opportunity for full discussion. If there be time to expose through discussion the falsehood and fallacies, to avert the evil by the processes of education, the remedy to be applied is more speech, not enforced silence. **{{w|Louis Brandeis}}, (''{{w|Whitney v. California}}'', 1927). [[File:Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr circa 1930.jpg|thumb|{{w|Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.}}]] *If there is any principle of the Constitution that more imperatively calls for attachment than any other, it is the principle of free thought &mdash; not free thought for those who agree with us but freedom for the thought we hate. **{{w|Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.}}, (''[[w:United States v. Schwimmer|United States v. Schwimmer]]'', 1929). *It is no longer open to doubt that the liberty of the press, and of speech, is within the liberty safeguarded by the [[w:Due process clause|due process clause]] of the [[w:Fourteenth Amendment of the United States Constitution|Fourteenth Amendment]] from invasion by state action. It was found impossible to conclude that this essential personal liberty of the citizen was left unprotected by the general guaranty of fundamental rights of person and [[property]]. **{{w|Charles Evans Hughes}}, (''{{w|Near v. Minnesota}}'', 1931). * So, dear friend, put fear out of your heart. This [[Nations|nation]] will survive, this state will prosper, the orderly business of life will go forward if only men can speak in whatever way given them to utter what their [[Heart|hearts]] hold—by voice, by posted card, by letter or by press. Reason never has failed men. Only force and repression have made the wrecks in the world. ** [[w:William Allen White|William Allen White]], "To an Anxious Friend," editorial, ''The Emporia (Kansas) Gazette'' (July 27, 1922), Russell H. Fitzgibbon, compiler, ''White, Forty Years on Main Street'' (1937), p. 285. * The liberty of the press is not confined to newspapers and periodicals. It necessarily embraces pamphlets and leaflets. … the press in its historic connotation comprehends every sort of publication which affords a vehicle of information and opinion. ** [[Charles Evans Hughes]], ''{{w|Lovell v. City of Griffin}}'', 303 U.S. 444 (1938). *The freedom of speech and of the press, which are secured by the [[First Amendment to the United States Constitution|First Amendment]] against abridgment by the United States, are among the fundamental personal rights and liberties which are secured to all persons by the Fourteenth Amendment against abridgment by a state. The safeguarding of these rights to the ends that men may speak as they think on matters vital to them and that falsehoods may be exposed through the processes of [[education]] and discussion is essential to free government. Those who won our independence had confidence in the power of free and fearless reasoning and [[communication]] of ideas to discover and spread political and economic truth. **{{cite book|author=[[w:Frank Murphy|Frank Murphy]]|title=[[w:Thornhill v. Alabama|Thornhill v. Alabama]]|publisher=[[Supreme Court of the United States]]|location=|year=1940|pages= 310 U.S. 88, 95|isbn=|oclc=|doi=}} * Without general elections, without freedom of the press, freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, without the free battle of opinions, life in every public institution withers away, becomes a caricature of itself, and bureaucracy rises as the only deciding factor. ** [[Rosa Luxemburg]], Reported in Paul Froelich, ''Die Russiche Revolution'' (1940). * We look forward to a world founded upon four essential human freedoms. The first is freedom of speech and expression—everywhere in the world. The second is freedom of every person to worship God in his own way—everywhere in the world. The third is freedom from want... The fourth is freedom from fear. ** [[Franklin D. Roosevelt]], message to Congress, 6 January 1941. * Back of the guarantee of free speech lay faith in the power of an appeal to reason by all the peaceful means for gaining access to the mind. It was in order to avert force and explosions due to restrictions upon rational modes of communication that the guarantee of free speech was given a generous scope. But utterance in a context of violence can lose its significance as an appeal to reason and become part of an instrument of force. Such utterance was not meant to be sheltered by the Constitution. **[[Felix Frankfurter]], ''Milk Wagon Drivers Union of Chicago, Local 753. v. Meadowmoor Dairies, Inc.'', 312 U.S. 287, 293 (1941). *Compulsory unification of opinion achieves only the unanimity of the graveyard. **{{cite book|author=[[Robert H. Jackson]]|title={{w|West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette}}|publisher=[[Supreme Court of the United States]]|location=|year=1943|pages= 319 U.S. 624, 638|isbn=|oclc=|doi=}} *The very purpose of a [[United States Bill of Rights|Bill of Rights]] was to withdraw certain subjects from the vicissitudes of political controversy, to place them beyond the reach of majorities, and to establish them as legal principles to be applied by the courts. / One's right to life, liberty, and property, to free speech, a free press, freedom of worship and assembly, and other fundamental rights may not be submitted to vote; they depend on the outcome of no [[elections]]. **{{cite book|author=[[Robert H. Jackson]]|title={{w|West Virginia State Board of Education v. Barnette}}|publisher=[[Supreme Court of the United States]]|location=|year=1943|pages= 319 U.S. 624, 638|isbn=|oclc=|doi=}} * Take away freedom of speech, and the creative faculties dry up. ** [[George Orwell]], [http://alexpeak.com/twr/orwell/quotes/ "As I Please," ''Tribune'' (28 April 1944)] * The relative freedom which we enjoy depends of [[public opinion]]. The law is no protection. Governments make laws, but whether they are carried out, and how the [[police]] behave, depends on the general temper in the country. If large numbers of people are interested in freedom of speech, there will be freedom of speech, even if the law forbids it; if public opinion is sluggish, inconvenient minorities will be persecuted, even if laws exist to protect them. ** [[George Orwell]], "Freedom of the Park", ''Tribune'' (7 December 1945) * I want freedom for full expression of my [[personality]]. ** [[Mahatma Gandhi]] in ''Jews and Palestine'' (July 1946), as quoted in ''[https://books.google.co.za/books?id=pjN3jZQ74AoC&pg=PA327#v=onepage&q&f=false The Gandhi Reader: A Sourcebook of His Life and Writings]'', p. 327 * Threats to freedom of speech, writing and action, though often trivial in isolation, are cumulative in their effect and, unless checked, lead to a general disrespect for the rights of the citizen. ** [[George Orwell]], "The Freedom Defence Committee" in ''The Socialist Leader'' (18 September 1948); also in ''The Collected Essays, Journalism, & Letters, George Orwell; Vol. IV : In front of your nose, 1945-1950'' (2000), p. 447 *Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression; this right includes freedom to hold opinions without interference and to seek, receive and impart information and ideas through any [[Mass media|media]] and regardless of frontiers. **{{cite book |author={{w|United Nations General Assembly}}|title={{w|Universal Declaration of Human Rights}}|publisher=[[United Nations]]|location={{w|Palais de Chaillot}}, [[w:Paris|Paris]]|year=December 10, 1948|pages= Article 19|isbn=|oclc=|doi=}}[http://www.un.org/Overview/rights.html Text] * <blockquote>'''The vitality of civil and political institutions in our society depends on free discussion. As [[Charles Evans Hughes|Chief Justice Hughes]] wrote in ''[[w:De Jonge v. Oregon|De Jonge v. Oregon]]''''', 299 U.S. 353, 365, 260, '''it is only through free debate and free exchange of ideas that government remains responsive to the will of the people and peaceful change is effected. The right to speak freely and to promote diversity of ideas and programs is therefore one of the chief distinctions that sets us apart from totalitarian regimes.'''</br> '''Accordingly a function of free speech under our system of government is to invite dispute. It may indeed best serve its high purpose when it induces a condition of unrest, creates dissatisfaction with conditions as they are, or even stirs people to anger. Speech is often provocative and challenging. It may strike at prejudices and preconceptions and have profound unsettling effects as it presses for acceptance of an idea. That is why freedom of speech, though not absolute,''' ''[[w:Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire|Chaplinsky v. New Hampshire]]'', supra, 315 U.S. at pages 571-572, 62 S.Ct. at page 769, '''is nevertheless protected against censorship or punishment, unless shown likely to produce a clear and present danger of a serious substantive evil that rises far above public inconvenience, annoyance, or unrest.''' See ''Bridges v. California'', 314 U.S. 252, 262, 193, 159 A.L.R. 1346; ''Craig v. Harney'', 331 U.S. 367, 373, 1253. '''There is no room under our Constitution for a more restrictive view. For the alternative would lead to standardization of ideas either by legislatures, courts, or dominant political or community groups.'''''Terminiello'', 337 U.S. at 4-5.</blockquote> ** [[William O. Douglas]], Majority opinion, [[w:Terminiello v. City of Chicago|Terminiello v. City of Chicago]], 337 U.S. 1 (1949) at 4-5. * Freedom is the freedom to say that two plus two make four. If that is granted, all else follows. ** [[George Orwell]], ''[[Nineteen Eighty-Four]]'' (1949) * '''If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.''' ** [[George Orwell]], Original preface to ''[[Animal Farm]]''; as published in ''George Orwell : Some Materials for a Bibliography'' (1953) by Ian R. Willison * Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat us. ** [[William O. Douglas]], "The One Un-American Act," Speech to the Author's Guild Council in New York, on receiving the 1951 Lauterbach Award (December 3, 1952) [http://ala.org/ala/aboutala/offices/oif/foryoungpeople/theoneunamerican/oneunamerican.cfm] * The sound of tireless voices is the price we pay for the right to hear the music of our own opinions. ** [[Adlai Stevenson]], ''Adlai's Almanac: The Wit and Wisdom of Stevenson of Illinois'' (1952), p. 43. * I yield to no man—if I may borrow that majestic parliamentary phrase—I yield to no man in my belief in the principle of free debate, inside or outside the halls of Congress. The sound of tireless voices is the price we pay for the right to hear the music of our own opinions. But there is also, it seems to me, a moment at which democracy must prove its capacity to act. Every man has a right to be heard; but no man has the right to strangle [[democracy]] with a single set of vocal cords. ** [[Adlai Stevenson]], speech to the state committee of the Liberal party, New York City (August 28, 1952); in ''The Papers of Adlai E. Stevenson'' (1974), vol. 4, p. 63. * '''History indicates that individual liberty is intermittently subjected to extraordinary perils. Even countries dedicated to government by the people are not free from such cyclical dangers. ... Test oaths are notorious tools of tyranny. When used to shackle the mind they are, or at least they should be, unspeakably odious to a free people. Test oaths are made still more dangerous when combined with bills of attainder which like''' this Oklahoma statute '''impose pains and penalties for past lawful associations and utterances.... Governments need and have ample power to punish treasonable acts. But it does not follow that they must have a further power to punish thought and speech as distinguished from acts. Our own free society should never forget that laws which stigmatize and penalize thought and speech of the unorthodox have a way of reaching, ensnaring and silencing many more people than at first intended. We must have freedom of speech for all or we will in the long run have it for none but the cringing and the craven. And I cannot too often repeat my belief that the right to speak on matters of public concern must be wholly free or eventually be wholly lost.''' ** [[Hugo Black]] (December 15, 1952), ''[[w:Weiman v. Updegraff|Weiman v. Updegraff]]'', 344 U.S. 183 at 192-194 (Black, J., concurring). * Laws alone cannot secure freedom of expression; in order that every man may present his views without penalty, there must be a spirit of tolerance in the entire population. ** [[Albert Einstein]], ''Ideas and Opinions by Albert Einstein'' (1954), p. 32. * For in the absence of debate unrestricted utterance leads to the degradation of opinion. By a kind of [[w:Gresham's law|Gresham's law]] the more rational is overcome by the less rational, and the opinions that will prevail will be those which are held most ardently by those with the most passionate will. For that reason the freedom to speak can never be maintained merely by objecting to interference with the liberty of the press, of printing, of broadcasting, of the screen. It can be maintained only by promoting debate. ** [[Walter Lippmann]], ''Essays in the Public Philosophy'' (1955), chapter 9, section 3, p. 129–30. *That there is a social problem presented by obscenity is attested by the expression of the [[Legislature|legislatures]] of the forty-eight States, as well as the Congress. To recognize the existence of a problem, however, does not require that we sustain any and all measures adopted to meet that problem. The history of the application of laws designed to suppress the obscene demonstrates convincingly that the power of government can be invoked under them against great art or literature, scientific treatises, or works exciting social controversy. Mistakes of the past prove that there is a strong countervailing interest to be considered in the freedoms guaranteed by the First and Fourteenth Amendments. **[[Earl Warren]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States|Chief Justice of the United States]] (''[[w:Roth v. United States|Roth v. United States]]'', 1957). *If the First Amendment guarantee of freedom of speech and press is to mean anything, it must allow protests even against the moral code that the standard of the day sets for the community. **[[William O. Douglas]], {{w|Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States}} (''{{w|Roth v. United States}}'', 1957). *The standard of what offends 'the common conscience of the community' conflicts … with the command of the First Amendment. … Certainly that standard would not be an acceptable one if religion, [[economics]], politics or [[philosophy]] were involved. How does it become a constitutional standard when [[literature]] treating with [[Human sexual activity|sex]] is concerned? / Any test that turns on what is offensive to the community's standards is too loose, too capricious, too destructive of freedom of expression to be squared with the First Amendment. Under that test, juries can [[Censorship|censor]], suppress, and punish what they don't like, provided the matter relates to 'sexual impurity' or has a tendency to 'excite lustful thoughts.' This is community censorship in one of its worst forms... **[[William O. Douglas]], Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''{{w|Roth v. United States}}'', 1957) *We are not afraid to entrust the American people with unpleasant facts, foreign ideas, alien philosophies, and competitive values. For a nation that is afraid to let its people judge the truth and falsehood in an open market is a nation that is afraid of its people. **[[John F. Kennedy]], [https://www.jfklibrary.org/asset-viewer/archives/JFKWHA/1962/JFKWHA-075-005/JFKWHA-075-005 “Remarks on the 20th Anniversary of the Voice of America] (February 26, 1962) [[File:US Supreme Court Justice William Brennan - 1976 official portrait.jpg|thumb|{{w|William J. Brennan, Jr.}}]] *We are required in this case to determine for the first time the extent to which the constitutional protections for speech and press limit a State's power to award damages in a libel action brought by a public official against critics of his official conduct. **[[William J. Brennan, Jr.]], Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''[[New York Times Co. v. Sullivan]]'', 1964). *[There exists a] profound national commitment to the principle that debate on public issues should be uninhibited, robust, and wide-open, and that it may well include vehement, caustic, and sometimes unpleasantly sharp attacks on government and public officials. **{{w|William J. Brennan, Jr.}}, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''[[New York Times Co. v. Sullivan]]'', 1964). *Authoritative interpretations of the First Amendment guarantees have consistently refused to recognize an exception for any test of truth — whether administered by [[judges]], juries, or administrative officials — and especially one that puts the burden of proving truth on the speaker. **{{w|William J. Brennan, Jr.}}, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''[[New York Times Co. v. Sullivan]]'', 1964). *The censor is always quick to justify his function in terms that are protective of society. But the First Amendment, written in terms that are absolute, deprives the States of any power to pass on the value, the propriety, or the morality of a particular expression. **{{w|William O. Douglas}}, Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''[[w:Memoirs v. Massachusetts|Memoirs v. Massachusetts]]'', 1966). *The dissemination of the individual's opinions on matters of public interest is for us, in the historic words of the [[United States Declaration of Independence|Declaration of Independence]], an 'unalienable right' that 'governments are instituted among men to secure.' [[History of the United States|History]] shows us that the [[Founding Fathers of the United States|Founders]] were not always convinced that unlimited discussion of public issues would be 'for the benefit of all of us' but that they firmly adhered to the proposition that the 'true liberty of the press' permitted 'every man to publish his opinion'. **[[John Marshall Harlan II]], Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''[[w:Curtis Publishing Company v. Butts|Curtis Publishing Company v. Butts]]'', 1967). * The free communication of thoughts and opinions is one of the invaluable rights of man, and every citizen may freely speak, write and print on any subject, being responsible for the abuse of that liberty. ** [http://avalon.law.yale.edu/18th_century/pa08.asp Constitution of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania (1968), Article 1, Section 7] *Somewhere I read of the [[freedom of assembly]]. Somewhere I read of the [[freedom of speech]]. Somewhere I read of the [[freedom of the press]]. Somewhere I read that the greatness of America is the right to [[protest]] for right. And so just as I say, we aren't going to let any injunction turn us around. We are going on. **[[Martin Luther King, Jr.]] I've Been to the Mountaintop (1968) >[http://mlk-kpp01.stanford.edu/index.php/encyclopedia/documentsentry/ive_been_to_the_mountaintop/ Speech delivered at Bishop Charles Mason Temple in Memphis, Tennessee] (3 April 1968) * '''Freedom of speech means not only freedom for the views with which you agree but also freedom for the views which you hate and deplore.''' ** [[Alfred Denning, Baron Denning]], Defending the Attorney General's decision not to prosecute [[Enoch Powell]] for his anti-immigration Eastbourne speech; speech to the Institute of Journalists in London (2 December 1968), quoted in ''The Times'' (3 December 1968), p. 3 *Whatever may be the justifications for other statutes regulating obscenity, we do not think they reach into the privacy of one's own home. If the First Amendment means anything, it means that a State has no business telling a man, sitting alone in his own house, what books he may read or what films he may watch. Our whole constitutional heritage rebels at the thought of giving government the power to control men's minds. **[[Thurgood Marshall]], Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States (''[[w:Stanley v. Georgia|Stanley v. Georgia]]'', 1969). [[File:SCOTUS Justice Abe Fortas.jpeg|thumb|{{w|Abe Fortas}}]] *First Amendment rights, applied in light of the special characteristics of the [[Education|school]] environment, are available to teachers and students. It can hardly be argued that either students or teachers shed their constitutional rights to freedom of speech or expression at the schoolhouse gate. **{{w|Abe Fortas}}, (''{{w|Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District}}'', 1969). *In order for the State in the person of school officials to justify prohibition of a particular expression of opinion, it must be able to show that its action was caused by something more than a mere desire to avoid the discomfort and unpleasantness that always accompany an unpopular viewpoint. **{{w|Abe Fortas}}, (''Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District'', 1969). *Under our Constitution, free speech is not a right that is given only to be so circumscribed that it exists in principle but not in fact. Freedom of expression would not truly exist if the right could be exercised only in an area that a benevolent government has provided as a safe haven for crackpots. The Constitution says that Congress (and the States) may not abridge the right to free speech. This provision means what it says. We properly read it to permit reasonable regulation of speech-connected activities in carefully restricted circumstances. But we do not confine the permissible exercise of First Amendment rights to a telephone booth or the four corners of a pamphlet, or to supervised and ordained discussion in a school classroom. **{{w|Abe Fortas}}, (''Tinker v. Des Moines Independent Community School District'', 1969). *The word "[[security]]" is a broad, vague generality whose contours should not be invoked to abrogate the fundamental law embodied in the First Amendment. The guarding of [[military]] and [[Diplomacy|diplomatic]] secrets at the expense of informed representative government provides no real security for our Republic. **[[Hugo Black]], (''New York Times Company v. United States'', 1971). * The security of the Nation is not at the ramparts alone. Security also lies in the value of our free institutions. A cantankerous press, an obstinate press, an ubiquitous press must be suffered by those in authority in order to preserve the even greater values of freedom of expression and the right of the people to know. In this case there has been no attempt by the Government at political suppression. There has been no attempt to stifle criticism. Yet in the last analysis it is not merely the opinion of the editorial writer or of the columnist which is protected by the First Amendment. It is the free flow of information so that the public will be informed about the Government and its actions. These are troubled times. There is no greater safety valve for discontent and cynicism about the affairs of Government than freedom of expression in any form. ** [[w:Murray Gurfein|Murray Gurfein]] June 19, 1971 in ''[[w:United States v. N.Y. Times Co.|United States v. N.Y. Times Co.]]'', [http://law.justia.com/cases/federal/district-courts/FSupp/328/324/1428158/ 328 F. Supp. 324, 331 (S.D.N.Y. 1971)]. *... I would not in this case decide, even by way of dicta, that the Government may lawfully seize literary material intended for the purely private use of the importer. The terms of the statute appear to apply to an American tourist who, after exercising his constitutionally protected liberty to travel abroad, returns home with a single book in his luggage, with no intention of selling it or otherwise using it, except to read it. If the Government can constitutionally take the book away from him as he passes through customs, then I do not understand the meaning of ''{{w|Stanley v. Georgia}}''. **[[Potter Stewart]], [[w:Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States|Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States]] (''{{w|United States v. Thirty-Seven Photographs}}'', 1971). *Effective self-government cannot succeed unless the people are immersed in a steady, robust, unimpeded, and uncensored flow of opinion and reporting which are continuously subjected to critique, rebuttal, and reexamination. **{{w|William O. Douglas}}, (''{{w|Branzburg v. Hayes}}'', 1972). *The people, the ultimate [[Ruler|governors]], must have absolute freedom of, and therefore privacy of, their individual opinions and beliefs regardless of how suspect or strange they may appear to others. Ancillary to that principle is the conclusion that an individual must also have absolute privacy over whatever information he may generate in the course of testing his opinions and beliefs. **{{w|William O. Douglas}}, (''{{w|Branzburg v. Hayes}}'', 1972). *It is my view that there is no "compelling need" that can be shown which qualifies the reporter's immunity from appearing or testifying before a grand jury, unless the reporter himself is implicated in a crime. His immunity, in my view, is therefore quite complete, for, absent his involvement in a crime, the First Amendment protects him against an appearance before a grand jury, and, if he is involved in a crime, the [[Fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution|Fifth Amendment]] stands as a barrier. … And since, in my view, a newsman has an absolute right not to appear before a grand jury, it follows for me that a journalist who voluntarily appears before that body may invoke his First Amendment privilege to specific questions. **{{w|William O. Douglas}}, (''{{w|Branzburg v. Hayes}}'', 1972). * At any given moment there is an [[orthodoxy]], a body of ideas which it is assumed that all right-thinking people will accept without question. It is not exactly forbidden to say this, that or the other, but it is ‘not done’ to say it, just as in mid-[[w:Victorian era|Victorian]] times it was ‘not done’ to mention [[trousers]] in the presence of a [[Women|lady]]. Anyone who challenges the prevailing orthodoxy finds himself silenced with surprising effectiveness. A genuinely unfashionable opinion is almost never given a fair hearing. ** [[George Orwell]], [http://orwell.ru/library/novels/Animal_Farm/english/efp_go "The Freedom of the Press"] (1972) * The First Amendment ... gives no one the right to insist that, in pursuit of their own interests [[Dictatorship|others must conform]] their conduct to his own religious necessities ** Warren E. Burger, ''Estate of Thornton v. Caldor'', Inc., 472 U.S. 703 (1985) * [[Controversy]] may rage as long as it adheres to the presuppositions that define the consensus of [[Elite|elites]], and it should furthermore be encouraged within these bounds, thus helping to establish these doctrines as the very condition of thinkable thought while reinforcing the belief that freedom reigns. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], ''Necessary Illusions'' (1989) * [[Joseph Goebbels|Goebbels]] was in favor of freedom of speech for views he liked. So was [[Joseph Stalin|Stalin]]. If you're in favor of freedom of speech, that means you're in favor of freedom of speech precisely for views you despise. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], ''Manufacturing Consent: Noam Chomsky and the Media'', 1992 * The smart way to keep people passive and obedient is to strictly limit the spectrum of acceptable opinion, but allow very lively debate within that spectrum—even encourage the more critical and dissident views. That gives people the sense that there's free thinking going on, while all the time the presuppositions of the system are being reinforced by the limits put on the range of the debate. ** [[Noam Chomsky]], ''The Common Good'', 1998 [[File:Warren e burger photo.jpeg|thumb|{{w|Warren E. Burger}}]] *Prior restraints on speech and publication are the most serious and least tolerable infringement on First Amendment Rights. **[[Warren E. Burger]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States|Chief Justice of the United States]] (''[[w:Nebraska Press Association v. Stuart|Nebraska Press Association v. Stuart]]'', 1976). *Q: Is it true that the [[USSR]] has the same freedom of speech as USA? *A: That's true. In America you can write "Down with [[Ronald Reagan|Reagan]]" on a banner and carry it to the [[White House]], and you won't be arrested. '''In the Soviet Union, you can write "Down with Reagan" on a banner and carry it to the [[Red Square]], and you won't be arrested, either.''' **[[Radio Yerevan jokes]], circa. 1980. *We conclude that public figures and public officials may not recover for the tort of intentional infliction of emotional distress by reason of publications such as the one here at issue without showing, in addition, that the publication contains a false statement of fact which was made with 'actual malice,' i.e., with knowledge that the statement was false or with reckless disregard as to whether or not it was true. This is not merely a 'blind application' of the New York Times standard, see Time, Inc. v. Hill, 385 U.S. 374, 390 (1967); it reflects our considered judgment that such a standard is necessary to give adequate "breathing space" to the freedoms protected by the First Amendment. **[[William Rehnquist]], [[w:Chief Justice of the United States|Chief Justice of the United States]] (''[[Hustler Magazine v. Falwell]]'', 1988). * At the heart of the First Amendment is the recognition of the fundamental importance of the free flow of ideas and opinions on matters of public interest and concern. The freedom to speak one's mind is not only an aspect of individual liberty – and thus a good unto itself – but also is essential to the common quest for truth and the vitality of society as a whole. We have therefore been particularly vigilant to ensure that individual expressions of ideas remain free from governmentally imposed [[Sanction|sanctions]]. ** Chief Justice [[William Rehnquist]], ''[[w:Hustler Magazine v. Falwell|Hustler Magazine v. Falwell]]'', 485 U.S. 46 (1988). *There is no indication - either in the text of the Constitution or in our cases interpreting it - that a separate judicial category exists for the [[Flag of the United States|American flag]] alone. … We decline … therefore to create for the flag an exception to the joust of principles protected by the First Amendment. **{{w|William J. Brennan, Jr.}}, {{w|Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States}} (''{{w|Texas v. Gregory Lee Johnson}}'', June 21, 1989). * If there is a bedrock principle of the First Amendment, it is that the government may not prohibit the expression of an idea simply because society finds the idea itself offensive or disagreeable. ** Justice [[William J. Brennan, Jr.]], ''[[w:Texas v. Johnson|Texas v. Johnson]]'', 491 U.S. 397 (1989). * What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist. ** [[Salman Rushdie]], ''In Good Faith'' (1990), p. 6. * Inconvenience does not absolve the government of its obligation to tolerate speech. **[[Anthony Kennedy]], ''International Society for Krishna Consciousness v. Lee'', 505 U.S. 672, 672 (1992) (concurring). *As a young constitutional lawyer, I was put to the first amendment test when I was called on to defend [[Racism in the United States|racists]] and [[Nazism|neo-Nazis]]. I really had no choice. Surely now we know that none of us do. Free speech is unequivocal, unpolitical, and indivisible. **{{w|Eleanor Holmes Norton}}, [http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/CREC-1995-05-02/html/CREC-1995-05-02-pt1-PgH4448-4.htm "Support for Free Speech"], ''{{w|Congressional Record}}'', Volume 141, Number 71 (Tuesday, May 2, 1995), {{w|United States House of Representatives}}, Page H4448. *At the core of freedom of expression lies the need to ensure that truth and the [[common good]] are attained, whether in scientific and artistic endeavors or in the process of determining the best course to take in our political affairs. Since truth and the ideal form of political and social organization can rarely, if at all, be identified with absolute certainty, it is difficult to prohibit expression without impeding the free exchange of potentially valuable information. Nevertheless, the argument from truth does not provide convincing support for the protection of hate [[propaganda]]. Taken to its extreme, this argument would require us to permit the communication of all expression, it being impossible to know with absolute certainty which factual statements are true, or which ideas obtain the greatest good. The problem with this extreme position, however, is that the greater the degree of certainty that a statement is erroneous or mendacious, the less its value in the quest for truth. Indeed, expression can be used to the detriment of our search for truth; the state should not be the sole arbiter of truth, but neither should we overplay the view that rationality will overcome all falsehoods in the unregulated marketplace of ideas. There is very little chance that statements intended to promote hatred against an identifiable group are true, or that their vision of society will lead to a better world. To portray such statements as crucial to truth and the betterment of the political and social milieu is therefore misguided. **Chief Justice {{w|Brian Dickson}} (for the majority), {{w|Supreme Court of Canada}}, {{w|R v Keegstra}} [http://canlii.ca/t/1fsr1 (1990) 3 SCR 697], (December 13, 1990) * I’m working on a screenplay of ''[[Fahrenheit 451]]'' that will star [[Mel Gibson]]. It will be better than the original because they left a lot of things out of the first [[film]]. … It works even better because we have [[political correctness]] now. Political correctness is the real enemy these days. The [[Black people|black]] groups want to control our thinking and you can't say certain things. The [[Homosexuality|homosexual]] groups don't want you to criticize them. It's thought control and freedom of speech control. ** [[Ray Bradbury]], as quoted in "Bradbury Talk Likely to Feature the Unexpected" by Anne Gasior, ''Dayton Daily News'' (1 October 1994), City Edition, Lifestyle/Weekendlife Section, p. 1; republished in [http://diginole.lib.fsu.edu/islandora/object/fsu:168044/datastream/PDF/ ''Conversations with Ray Bradbury'' (2003) by Steven Louis Aggelis (PDF), p. 104] *I rise today to support the efforts of citizens everywhere to protect free speech on the Internet. Today, the Supreme Court heard arguments to determine the constitutionality of the [[w:Communications Decency Act|Communications Decency Act]] [CDA], which criminalizes certain speech on the Internet. It is because of the hard work and dedication to free speech by netizens everywhere that this issue has gained the attention of the public, and now, our Nation's highest court. I have maintained from the very beginning that the CDA is unconstitutional, and I eagerly await the [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]]'s decision on this case. **[[Jerrold Nadler]], {{w|United States House of Representatives}} ([[s:Free Speech on the Internet|"Free Speech on the Internet"]], ''{{w|Congressional Record}}'', March 19, 1997). *One question that remains is at what point an individual Net poster has the right to assume prerogatives that have traditionally been only the province of [[Journalism|journalists]] and news-gathering organizations. When the [[w:Pentagon Papers|Pentagon Papers]] landed on the doorstep of the ''[[The New York Times|New York Times]]'', the newspaper was able to publish under the First Amendment's guarantees of freedom of speech, and to make a strong argument in court that publication was in the public interest. … the amplification inherent in the combination of the Net's high-speed communications and the size of the available population has greatly changed the balance of power. **{{cite book|title=[[w:Net.wars|Net.wars]]|author=[[w:Wendy M. Grossman|Wendy M. Grossman]]|page=90|publisher=[[w:New York University|New York University Press]]|year=1997|isbn=0814731031}} *Freedom of speech is central to most every other right that we hold dear in the [[United States]] and serves to strengthen the democracy of our great country. It is unfortunate, then, when actions occur that might be interpreted as contrary to this honored tenet. **{{w|Sam Farr}}, ''{{w|Congressional Record}}'', "[[s:Freedom of Speech, Freedom of the Press|Freedom of Speech, Freedom of the Press]]", (November 7, 1997). * Nobody deserves to be hurt, especially not for an idea. ** Kreshia Thomas, a black teenager who put herself in harm's way to protect a white man wearing Nazi tattoos and Confederate flag clothing from being beaten and kicked by an angry mob that thought he supported the racist Ku Klux Klan {{cite web|last = Wynne|first = Catherine|title = The teenager who saved a man with an SS tattoo|publisher = British Broadcasting Corporation|url = http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-24653643 |year = 2013}} ===2000s=== [[File:John Paul Stevens, SCOTUS photo portrait.jpg|thumb|Money is property; it is not speech. Speech has the power to inspire volunteers to perform a multitude of tasks on a campaign trail, on a battleground, or even on a football field. Money, meanwhile, has the power to pay hired laborers to perform the same tasks. ~ [[John Paul Stevens]] ]] * '''Money is property; it is not speech. Speech has the power to inspire volunteers to perform a multitude of tasks on a campaign trail, on a battleground, or even on a football field. Money, meanwhile, has the power to pay hired laborers to perform the same tasks. It does not follow, however, that the [[First Amendment to the United States Constitution|First Amendment]] provides the same measure of protection to the use of money to accomplish such goals as it provides to the use of ideas to achieve the same results.''' ** [[John Paul Stevens]], Concurring, ''[[w:Nixon v. Shrink Missouri Government PAC|Nixon v. Shrink Missouri Government PAC]]'', 528 U.S. 377 (2000). *A law imposing criminal penalties on protected speech is a stark example of speech suppression. **[[Anthony Kennedy]], (''{{w|Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition}}'', 2002). *First Amendment freedoms are most in danger when the government seeks to control thought or to justify its laws for that impermissible end. The right to think is the beginning of freedom, and speech must be protected from the government because speech is the beginning of thought. **[[Anthony Kennedy]], (''Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition'', 2002). *The Government may not suppress lawful speech as the means to suppress unlawful speech. **[[Anthony Kennedy]], (''Ashcroft v. Free Speech Coalition'', 2002). *Dissents speak to a future age. It's not simply to say, 'My colleagues are wrong and I would do it this way.' But the greatest dissents do become court opinions and gradually over time their views become the dominant view. So that's the dissenter's hope: that they are writing not for today but for tomorrow. **[[Ruth Bader Ginsburg]], {{w|Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States}}, Interview with [[w:Nina Totenberg|Nina Totenberg]] of ''[[w:National Public Radio|National Public Radio]]'' (May 2, 2002). [[File:Mike Godwin at Wikimedia 2010.jpg|thumb|{{w|Mike Godwin}}]] *... while there's no 'fair use' exception when it comes to [[w:Trade secrets|trade secrets]], anyone who discovers a trade secret without violating a confidentiality agreement can disseminate it freely. For example, if you board a commuter train in [[w:Atlanta|Atlanta]] and discover that a [[w:Coca-Cola|Coca-Cola]] employee has left the secret formula for the company's flagship product on one of the seats, you have no obligation not to reveal it to the world. More important, this means that newspapers often may legally publish material that may have been obtained illegally, as long as they did not induce the illegal taking or know about it beforehand and as long as no one was induced or solicited by the newspaper to steal the material in question. **{{cite book|author=[[Mike Godwin]]|title=[[w:Cyber Rights|Cyber Rights: Defending Free Speech in the Digital Age]]|year=2003|page=217|publisher=[[w:Massachusetts Institute of Technology|Massachusetts Institute of Technology]]|isbn=0812928342}} *Although the freedoms guaranteed by the First Amendment may benefit society generally, or communities in particular, we don't condition those freedoms on whether how we use them benefits anyone. There is no legal or constitutional requirement that each individual use these freedoms wisely. That is part of what it means to live in an open society: you get to make your own choice about whether to acquire wisdom. We don't let government choose for us. **{{cite book|author=[[Mike Godwin]]|title=[[w:Cyber Rights|Cyber Rights: Defending Free Speech in the Digital Age]]|year=2003|page=16|publisher=Massachusetts Institute of Technology|isbn=0812928342}} *Among the principles in place that have seemed to work for us are individual freedom of expression (especially for those whose expression offends us) and a strong individual guarantee of privacy in our First Amendment-protected communications. **{{cite book|author=[[Mike Godwin]]|title=[[w:Cyber Rights|Cyber Rights: Defending Free Speech in the Digital Age]]|year=2003|page=16|publisher=Massachusetts Institute of Technology|isbn=0812928342}} *In short, individual freedom of speech leads to a stronger society. But knowing that principle is not enough. You have to know how to put it to use on the Net. **{{cite book|author=[[Mike Godwin]]|title=[[w:Cyber Rights|Cyber Rights: Defending Free Speech in the Digital Age]]|year=2003|page=17|publisher=Massachusetts Institute of Technology|isbn=0812928342}} *Exploring and understanding the Net is an ongoing process. Cyberspace never sits still; it evolves as fast as society itself. Only if we fight to preserve our freedom of speech on the Net will we ensure our ability to keep up with both the Net and society. **{{cite book|author=[[Mike Godwin]]|title=[[w:Cyber Rights|Cyber Rights: Defending Free Speech in the Digital Age]]|year=2003|page=19|publisher=Massachusetts Institute of Technology|isbn=0812928342}} *Proponents of using government authority to censor certain undesirable images and comments on the airwaves resort to the claim that the airways belong to all the people, and therefore it's the government's responsibility to protect them. The mistake of never having [[Privatization|privatized]] the [[radio]] and [[Television|TV]] airwaves does not justify ignoring the first amendment mandate that "Congress shall make no law abridging freedom of speech." When everyone owns something, in reality nobody owns it. Control then occurs merely by the whims of the politicians in power. From the very start, licensing of radio and TV frequencies invited government censorship that is no less threatening than that found in [[Totalitarianism|totalitarian]] societies. **[[Ron Paul]], ''{{w|Congressional Record}}'', "[[s:An Indecent Attack on the First Amendment|An Indecent Attack on the First Amendment]]", (March 10, 2004). * What is freedom of expression? Without the freedom to offend, it ceases to exist. **[[Salman Rushdie]], As quoted in [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/4114497.stm "The right to be downright offensive" by Jonathan Duffy in ''BBC News Magazine'' (21 December 2004)] *Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet is given free access to the sum of all human knowledge. That's what we're doing. **[[Jimmy Wales]], cited in &mdash; {{cite news | last =Slashdot readers' questions | first = | coauthors = Posted by Roblimo | title = Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales Responds | work =[[w:Slashdot|Slashdot]] | pages = | language = | publisher = | date =July 28, 2004 | url =http://interviews.slashdot.org/article.pl?sid=04/07/28/1351230 | accessdate = 2008-01-04 }} * While, legally and constitutionally, speech may be free, the space in which that freedom can be exercised has been snatched from us and auctioned to the highest bidders. ** [[Arundhati Roy]], ''An Ordinary Person's Guide to Empire'' (2005), p. 48 [[File:Gilbert Merritt Circuit Judge.jpg|thumb|{{w|Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}]] *I am sure that as soon as speech was invented, efforts to suppress and control it began, and that process of suppression continues unabated. **{{w|Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}, (''Speech at the [[w:University of Oregon|University of Oregon]]'', 2004). &mdash; cited in: Gilbert S. Merritt, ''Speech at the University of Oregon'', Nashville, TN: 2004. cited in &mdash; {{cite book|title=Freedom of the Press|editor-first=Rob|editor-last=Edelman|publisher=Greenhaven Press|year=2006|page=75|chapter=The Lesson of ''Sullivan'' Has Been Forgotten|first=Gilbert S.|last=Merritt|authorlink=w:Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}. *Our Founding Fathers were the first to articulate the reasons for their First Amendment, the same reasons given by Learned Hand, and by Justice Brennan in ''New York Times v. Sullivan''. It is a lesson we keep forgetting and must relearn in each succeeding generation. **{{w|Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}, (''Speech at the University of Oregon'', 2004). &mdash; cited in: Gilbert S. Merritt, ''Speech at the University of Oregon'', Nashville, TN: 2004. cited in &mdash; {{cite book|title=Freedom of the Press|editor-first=Rob|editor-last=Edelman|publisher=Greenhaven Press|year=2006|page=75|chapter=The Lesson of ''Sullivan'' Has Been Forgotten|first=Gilbert S.|last=Merritt|authorlink=w:Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}. *''New York Times v. Sullivan'' was about the suppression of speech in the South [during the 1960s]. Today's version of suppression is just another verse of the same song. **{{w|Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}, (''Speech at the University of Oregon'', 2004). &mdash; cited in: Gilbert S. Merritt, ''Speech at the University of Oregon'', Nashville, TN: 2004. cited in &mdash; {{cite book|title=Freedom of the Press|editor-first=Rob|editor-last=Edelman|publisher=Greenhaven Press|year=2006|page=75|chapter=The Lesson of ''Sullivan'' Has Been Forgotten|first=Gilbert S.|last=Merritt|authorlink=w:Gilbert S. Merritt, Jr.}}. * This "zeal for secrecy" I am talking about — and I have barely touched the surface — adds up to a victory for the [[Terrorism|terrorists]]. When [[September 11 attacks|they plunged those hijacked planes]] into the [[w:World Trade Center|World Trade Center]] and [[w:The Pentagon|the Pentagon]] three years ago this morning, they were out to hijack our Gross National Psychology. If they could fill our psyche with [[fear]] — as if the imagination of each one of us were [[Afghanistan]] and they were the [[Taliban]] — they could deprive us of the [[trust]] and [[confidence]] required for a [[free]] [[society]] to [[work]]. They could prevent us from ever again believing in a safe, decent or just world and from working to bring it about. By pillaging and plundering our peace of mind they could panic us into abandoning those unique freedoms — freedom of speech, [[freedom of the press]] — that constitute the ability of [[democracy]] to self-correct and turn the ship of state before it hits the iceberg. ** [[Bill Moyers]], Speech to the Society of Professional Journalists (11 September 2004) *Historically, of course, the Supreme Court really hasn't recognized that kind of reality. It hasn't tried to make distinctions among different kinds of press entities. And there may be strong reasons not to do this. First Amendment law is already very complicated. And if you're asking the Court now to superimpose a whole new set of distinctions on what has already become an unbearable number of complex distinctions, you may end up feeling sorry. There are lots and lots of different kinds of press entities and other speakers. And if each one gets its own First Amendment doctrine, that might be a world we don't want to live in. **[[Elena Kagan]], (''Harvard Law Bulletin'', 2005). &mdash; cited in: {{cite journal|journal=Harvard Law Bulletin|first=Robb|last=London|title=Faculty Viewpoints: Can Reporters Refuse to Testify?|date=Spring 2005|publisher=[[Harvard College|The President and Fellows of Harvard College]]}}. [[File:Samuel Peter Nelson.jpg|thumb|Samuel Peter Nelson, author of ''[[w:Beyond the First Amendment|Beyond the First Amendment: The Politics of Free Speech and Pluralism]]'']] *[[Publishing]] on the [[Internet]] is different than importing and exporting [[books]], magazines, and newspapers. The Internet is a new forum, and there is something unprecedented in the idea of simultaneous, low-cost publication available to readers around the world. Speakers reach listeners in many places where they never could have been heard before. Listeners have access to the speech of individuals who may have a freedom to publish that is unknown in the listener's own country. Speakers and listeners will lose these benefits if Internet speech regulation is left to the determination of the most restrictive states. We also lose these benefits if regulation is so unpredictable as to make Internet speech more risky than warranted by the potential rewards it offers. **{{cite book|title=[[w:Beyond the First Amendment|Beyond the First Amendment: The Politics of Free Speech and Pluralism]]|author=Samuel Peter Nelson|year=2005|page=166|publisher=Johns Hopkins University Press|oclc=56924685}} *I am so disgusted with people who think free speech is defined as being able to say what you think without being criticized. **[[Jonah Goldberg]], [http://web.archive.org/web/20080421152503/http://corner.nationalreview.com:80/post/?q=MGU2Zjk1MTNmNGI0MDg3YTRlNmYzNTdkMTNmMDYyYTQ= "Dissident Chicks"] (12 February 2007), ''The Corner'', National Review *In the national debate about a serious issue, it is the expression of the minority's viewpoint that most demands the protection of the First Amendment. Whatever the better policy may be, a full and frank discussion of the costs and benefits of the attempt to prohibit the use of [[Cannabis|marijuana]] is far wiser than suppression of speech because it is unpopular. **[[John Paul Stevens]], (''{{w|Deborah Morse et al. v. Joseph Frederick}}'', 2007). *A final argument for broad freedom of expression is its effect on the character of individuals in a society. Citizens in a free society must have courage &mdash; the courage to hear not only unwelcome political speech but novel and shocking ideas in science and the arts. **{{cite book|page=186|author=Anthony Lewis|authorlink=w:Anthony Lewis|title={{w|Freedom for the Thought That We Hate; A Biography of the First Amendment}}|publisher=Basic Books|year=2007|isbn=0465039170}} *Free speech does not empower us, and it does not equal freedom. Free speech is a privilege that can be — and is — taken away by the government when it serves their interests. **[[Peter Gelderloos]] (2007), [http://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/peter-gelderloos-how-nonviolence-protects-the-state How Nonviolence Protects the State] *Active liberty is particularly at risk when law restricts speech directly related to the shaping of public opinion, for example, speech that takes place in areas related to politics and policy-making by elected officials. That special risk justifies especially strong pro-speech judicial presumptions. It also justifies careful review whenever the speech in question seeks to shape public opinion, particularly if that opinion in turn will affect the political process and the kind of society in which we live. **[[Stephen Breyer]] {{cite book|author=|authorlink=|title=[[w:Active Liberty|Active Liberty: Interpreting Our Democratic Constitution]]|isbn=0-307-26313-4|oclc=59280151|publisher=[[w:Alfred A. Knopf|Alfred A. Knopf]]|page=42|year=2008}}. *The Court said that the First Amendment forbids statutory effort to restrict information in order to help the public make wiser decisions. **{{cite book|author=Stephen Breyer|authorlink=w:Stephen Breyer|title=Active Liberty: Interpreting Our Democratic Constitution|isbn=0-307-26313-4|oclc=59280151|publisher=[[w:Alfred A. Knopf|Alfred A. Knopf]]|page=51|year=2008}}. *Traditional modern liberty — the individual's freedom from government restriction — remains important. Individuals need information freely to make decisions about their own lives. And, irrespective of context, a particular rule affecting speech might, in a particular instance, require individuals to act against conscience, inhibit public debate, threaten artistic expression, censor views in ways unrelated to a program's basic objectives, or create other risks of abuse. These possibilities themselves form the raw material out of which courts will create different presumptions applicable in different speech contexts. And even in the absence of presumptions, courts will examine individual instances with the possibilities of such harms in mind. **{{cite book|author=Stephen Breyer|authorlink=w:Stephen Breyer|title=Active Liberty: Interpreting Our Democratic Constitution|isbn=0-307-26313-4|oclc=59280151|publisher=[[w:Alfred A. Knopf|Alfred A. Knopf]]|page=54|year=2008}}. *[[Money]] is not speech, it is money. But the expenditure of money enables speech, and that expenditure is often necessary to communicate a message, particularly in a political context. A law that forbade the expenditure of money to communicate could effectively suppress the message. **{{cite book|author=Stephen Breyer|authorlink=w:Stephen Breyer|title=Active Liberty: Interpreting Our Democratic Constitution|isbn=0-307-26313-4|oclc=59280151|publisher=[[w:Alfred A. Knopf|Alfred A. Knopf]]|page=46|year=2008}}. [[File:AlanDershowitz2.jpg|thumb|{{w|Alan Dershowitz}}]] *All speech should be presumed to be protected by the Constitution, and a heavy burden should be placed on those who would censor to demonstrate with relative certainty that the speech at issue, if not censored, would lead to irremediable and immediate serious harm. **{{cite book|author=Alan Dershowitz|authorlink=Alan Dershowitz|title=Finding, Framing, and Hanging Jefferson: A Lost Letter, a Remarkable Discovery, and Freedom of Speech in an Age of Terrorism|year=2008|publisher=[[w:John Wiley & Sons|John Wiley & Sons]]|isbn=0470450436|page=30}} *I care deeply about freedom of speech, but I am also a realist about terrorism and the threat it poses. I worry that among the first victims of another mass terrorist attack will be [[w:Civil liberties|civil liberties]], including freedom of speech. The right of every citizen to express dissident and controversial views remains a powerful force in my life. I not only believe in it, I practice it. **{{cite book|author=Alan Dershowitz|authorlink=w:Alan Dershowitz|title=Finding, Framing, and Hanging Jefferson: A Lost Letter, a Remarkable Discovery, and Freedom of Speech in an Age of Terrorism|year=2008|publisher=[[w:John Wiley & Sons|John Wiley & Sons]]|isbn=0470450436|page=37}} *Censorship laws are blunt instruments, not sharp scalpels. Once enacted, they are easily misapplied to merely unpopular or only marginally dangerous speech. **{{cite book|author=Alan Dershowitz|authorlink=w:Alan Dershowitz|title=Finding, Framing, and Hanging Jefferson: A Lost Letter, a Remarkable Discovery, and Freedom of Speech in an Age of Terrorism|year=2008|publisher=[[w:John Wiley & Sons|John Wiley & Sons]]|isbn=0470450436|page=191}} *Under our First Amendment, a censorship law would have to be written in broad general language and could not be directed at specific religious, ethnic, racial, or political groups. Any such law could be misused by politicians to censor their political enemies or other "undesirable" groups. **{{cite book|author=Alan Dershowitz|authorlink=w:Alan Dershowitz|title=Finding, Framing, and Hanging Jefferson: A Lost Letter, a Remarkable Discovery, and Freedom of Speech in an Age of Terrorism|year=2008|publisher=[[w:John Wiley & Sons|John Wiley & Sons]]|isbn=0470450436|page=191}} *Regardless of all of the ways that the media have changed in recent years, one thing that will never go out of style in America is the ability of a free press to keep the public accurately and honestly informed about its government. **{{w|Candice Miller}}, [http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/CREC-2009-04-22/html/CREC-2009-04-22-pt1-PgH4588-2.htm "Detroit Free Press Wins Pulitzer Prize"], ''{{w|Congressional Record}}'', Volume 155, Number 59 (Wednesday, April 22, 2009), {{w|United States House of Representatives}}, Page H4588. *As a [[Conservatism|conservative]] who believes in [[w:Limited government|limited government]], I believe the only check on government power in real time is a free and independent press. A free press ensures the flow of information to the public, and let me say, during a time when the role of government in our lives and in our enterprises seems to grow every day--both at home and abroad--ensuring the vitality of a free and independent press is more important than ever. **{{w|Mike Pence}}, ''{{w|Congressional Record}}'', "[[s:World Press Freedom Day|World Press Freedom Day]]", (May 4, 2009). === 2010s === [[File:Ayaan Hirsi Ali 2006 cropped.jpg|thumb|We observe what is wrong, and we say what is wrong, in order that it may be corrected. ~ {{w|Ayaan Hirsi Ali}}]] [[File:F icon.svg|thumb|We believe that a key part of combating extremism is preventing recruitment by disrupting the underlying ideologies that drive people to commit acts of violence. That's why we support a variety of counterspeech efforts. ~ [[Facebook]] spokesperson Monika Bickert]] * We believe that a key part of combating [[extremism]] is preventing recruitment by disrupting the underlying ideologies that drive people to commit acts of [[violence]]. That's why we support a variety of counterspeech efforts. ** Monika Bickert, [[Facebook]]'s head of global policy management, as reported by [[w:CNBC|CNBC]], [https://www.cnbc.com/2018/01/17/facebook-google-tell-congress-how-theyre-fighting-extremist-content.html January 17, 2018] *Countries that censor [[news]] and information must recognize that from an economic standpoint, there is no distinction between censoring political speech and commercial speech. If businesses in your nations are denied access to either type of information, it will inevitably impact on growth. **[[Hillary Rodham Clinton]], {{w|United States Department of State}} ([[s:Secretary of State Clinton on Internet Freedom|"Secretary of State Clinton on Internet Freedom"]], ''Office of the Spokesman'', January 21, 2010). * [[United States|America]] is well on its way to making it illegal to say anything nasty about gays, [[Judaism|Jews]], blacks and women. “[[w:Hate speech|Hate speech]],” far short of any direct incitement to violence, is on the edge of being criminalized, with the [[First Amendment]] gone the way of the dodo. ** [[Alexander Cockburn]], [http://www.counterpunch.org/2009/06/26/the-hate-crimes-bill-how-not-to-remember-matthew-shepard/ "The Hate Crimes Bill: How Not to Remember Matthew Shepard"], ''Counterpunch.org'', June 26–28, 2010. * [[Speech]] is an essential mechanism of democracy, for it is the means to hold officials accountable to the people. [...] The right of citizens to inquire, to hear, to speak, and to use information to reach consensus is a precondition to enlightened self-government and a necessary means to protect it. [...] By taking the right to speak from some and giving it to others, the Government deprives the disadvantaged person or class of the right to use speech to strive to establish worth, standing, and respect for the speaker’s voice. The Government may not by these means deprive the public of the right and privilege to determine for itself what speech and speakers are worthy of consideration. The First Amendment protects speech and speaker, and the ideas that flow from each. ** [[Anthony Kennedy]], ''[[w:Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission|Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission]]'', 558 U.S. 310 (2010) (''Opinion of the Court''). * When Government seeks to use its full power, including the [[w:Criminal law|criminal law]], to command where a person may get his or her information or what distrusted source he or she may not hear, it uses censorship to control thought. This is unlawful. ** [[Anthony Kennedy]], ''[[w:Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission|Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission]]'', 558 U.S. 310 (2010) (''Opinion of the Court''). *Free speech is the bedrock of liberty and a free society. And yes, it includes the right to [[Blasphemy|blaspheme]] and offend. **{{cite book|author=Ayaan Hirsi Ali | authorlink =Ayaan Hirsi Ali | coauthors = | title = {{w|Nomad: From Islam to America}} | publisher =Knopf Canada | year = 2010 | location = | page =215 | url = | doi = | id = | isbn =0307398501 }} *Every important freedom that [[w:Western world|Western]] individuals possess rests on free expression. We observe what is wrong, and we say what is wrong, in order that it may be corrected. This is the message of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment]], the rational process that developed today's Western values: Go. Inquire. Ask. Find out. Dare to know. Don't be afraid of what you'll find. Knowledge is better than [[superstition]], blind [[belief]], and [[dogma]]. If you cannot voice — or even consider — [[criticism]], then you will never see what is wrong. You cannot solve a problem unless you identify its source. **{{cite book|author=Ayaan Hirsi Ali | authorlink =Ayaan Hirsi Ali | coauthors = | title = {{w|Nomad: From Islam to America}} | publisher =Knopf Canada | year = 2010 | location = | page =214 | url = | doi = | id = | isbn =0307398501 }} * The west has fiscalised its basic power relationships through a web of [[Contract|contracts]], [[Debt|loans]], shareholdings, bank holdings and so on. In such an environment it is easy for speech to be "free" because a change in political will rarely leads to any change in these basic instruments. Western speech, as something that rarely has any effect on power, is, like badgers and birds, free. ** [[Julian Assange]], cited in &mdash; {{cite news|url=http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/blog/2010/dec/03/julian-assange-wikileaks |title=Julian Assange answers your questions|work={{w|The Guardian}}|date=December 3, 2010|accessdate=October 23, 2012}} * Free speech is meaningless if the commercial cacophony has risen to the point where no one can hear you. ** [[Naomi Klein]], ''[[w:No Logo|No Logo]]'', 10th anniversary edition (2009: Vintage Canada, an imprint of Random House of Canada, Ltd.), {{ISBN|978-0-307-39909-0}}, p. 284. Previously published under the title ''No Logo: Taking aim at the brand bullies'' (2000: Vintage Canada), {{ISBN|0-676-97282-9}}, p. 284. * Freedom of expression is a very essential condition for me to make any art. Also, it is an essential value for my life. I have to protect this right and also to fight for the possibility. ** [[Ai Weiwei]] in: "[http://www.foxnews.com/world/2012/06/11/artist-ai-weiwei-china-crushes-dissenting-voices/. Artist Ai Weiwei: China Crushes Dissenting Voices]," in: ''Fox News,'' June 11, 2012. * Free speech is not speech you agree with, uttered by someone you admire. It's speech that you find stupid, selfish, dangerous, uninformed or threatening, spoken and sponsored by someone you despise, fear or ridicule. Free speech is unpopular, contentious and sometimes ugly. It reflects a tolerance for differences. If everyone agreed on all things, we wouldn't need it. ** {{cite news | author = [[w:Robert J. Samuelson|Robert J. Samuelson]]| title = In politics, money is speech | work = Washington Post | date =April 6, 2014 | url =http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/robert-j-samuelson-in-politics-money-is-speech/2014/04/04/075df4ec-bc18-11e3-9a05-c739f29ccb08_story.html | accessdate = April 7, 2014 }} *<p>In American democracy, this free speech plays two vital roles. The first is well recognized. It is to shape public opinion and to influence elections that, in turn, determine the social climate and steer government. We cherish "the marketplace of ideas" because (we assume) it allows us, through give and take, to arrive at better ideas and to grope our way toward consensus on hard issues.</p><p>Free speech's second function is less understood. It buttresses the political system's legitimacy. It helps losers, in the struggle for public opinion and electoral success, to accept their fates. It helps keep them loyal to the system, even though it has disappointed them. They will accept the outcomes, because they believe they've had a fair opportunity to express and advance their views. There's always the next election. Free speech underpins our larger concept of freedom.</p> ** {{cite news | author = [[w:Robert J. Samuelson|Robert J. Samuelson]]| title = In politics, money is speech | work = Washington Post | date =April 6, 2014 | url =http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/robert-j-samuelson-in-politics-money-is-speech/2014/04/04/075df4ec-bc18-11e3-9a05-c739f29ccb08_story.html | accessdate = April 7, 2014 }} * Reprehensible ideas don’t disappear if you make them illegal, by driving them under the carpet you might feed them, or make them taboo ... I’d rather know the racist in the room. ** [[Salman Rushdie]], at Dalkey Book Festival debate; as quoted in [https://www.irishtimes.com/culture/books/salman-rushdie-you-have-to-accept-a-certain-level-of-disrespect-1.1841344 "Salman Rushdie: ‘You have to accept a certain level of disrespect’"] Sorcha Hamilton, ''The Irish Times'', Jul 21, 2014. * We have to uphold a free press and freedom of speech -- because, in the end, lies and misinformation are no match for the truth. ** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/photos-and-video/video/2014/09/03/president-obama-addresses-people-estonia#transcript Remarks by President Obama to the People of Estonia i.e. students, young professionals, civil leaders, and the people of Estonia at the Nordea Concert Hall in Tallinn, Estonia] [http://www.whitehouse.gov/blog/2014/09/03/we-are-stronger-because-we-are-democracies-president-obama-addresses-people-estonia on September 3, 2014 ] * We hear everywhere about this false trade-off between freedom of speech and [[freedom of religion]], as though there were some kind of balance to be struck here. There is no balance to be struck. Freedom of speech never infringes on freedom of religion. There is nothing I can say in this podcast about religion in general, or about [[Islam]] in particular, that would infringe upon someone else's freedom to practice his or her religion. If your freedom of religion entails that you force those who do not share it to conform to it, well that's not freedom of religion; we have a word for that – that's [[theocracy]]. This respect that we are all urged to show for "religious sensitivity" is actually a demand that the blasphemy laws of Islam be followed by non-muslims. ** [[Sam Harris]], [http://www.samharris.org/blog/item/after-charlie-hebdo-and-other-thoughts "After Charlie Hebdo and Other Thoughts" (21 January 2015)] * I realise that, every time we talk about activity of those people, there will be always 'Yes, it is freedom of speech, but-' and the turning point is 'but'. Why do we still say 'but', when we– [gunfire] ** [[w:Inna Shevchenko|Inna Shevchenko]] of [[w:Femen|Femen]], speaking at the Art, Blasphemy and Freedom of Expression café event, Krudttoennen café, Oesterbro, Copenhagen, on 14 February 2015. She was interrupted by a gunman believed to be targeting [[w:Lars Vilks|Lars Vilks]], another speaker at the event. ** {{cite news |url=http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-31472745 |title=Danish shooting: Audio of moment gunman struck in Copenhagen cafe |publisher=BBC News online |date=14 February 2015}} * There's no fine line between "free speech" and "hate speech": Free speech ''is'' hate speech; it's for the speech you hate – and for all your speech that the other guy hates. If you don't have free speech, then you can't have an honest discussion. ** [[Mark Steyn]], [http://www.steynonline.com/6943/stay-quiet-and-youll-be-okay "Stay Quiet and You'll Be Okay"] ''steynonline.com'' (9 May 2015) * The people supporting free speech now are the [[conservatives]]. It’s incomprehensible to me, but it’s the so-called [[liberals]] on campus, the [[students]] who think of themselves as activists, who are becoming increasingly [[authoritarian]]. So I’m trying to step carefully. It’s not like you want to make certain allies, particularly the [[w:Men's rights movement|men’s rights people]]. ** [[w:Laura Kipnis|Laura Kipnis]], cited by [[Rachel Cooke]] in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/apr/02/unwanted-advances-on-campus-us-university-professor-laura-kipnis-interview "Sexual paranoia on campus – and the professor at the eye of the storm"] ''The Observer'' (London, 2 April 2017). *I regard free speech as a prerequisite to a civilized society, because freedom of speech means that you can have [[Fighting|combat]] with words. That's what it means. It doesn't mean that people can happily and gently exchange opinions. It means that we can engage in combat with words, in the battleground of ideas. And the reason that that's acceptable, and why it's acceptable that people's feelings get hurt during that combat, is that the combat of ideas is far preferable to actual combat. ** [[Jordan Peterson]], 2017 Maps of Meaning 4: Marionettes and Individuals (Part 3) [54:55-56:15] *[N]o [[Multiculturalism|multicultural]] paradise would be possible at all if its citizens weren’t free to peaceably express their diverse views. Free speech is prior to [[diversity]], as the philosophers say. It is a necessary condition of diversity, and probably diversity’s greatest guarantor. To extol inclusion at the expense of speech is incoherent and unserious—a mere reflex of campus ideology in our era of discontent. Unserious, yes, but not unprecedented. **[[Andrew Ferguson]], [http://www.weeklystandard.com/hurrah-for-the-first-amendment-but.../article/2012053 "Hurrah for the First Amendment, but..."] (23 March 2018), ''The Weekly Standard'' * I cannot be associated with a publication that dumps a staff member simply because his work has upset some readers. Journalism, when done well, always angers some readers, and it is the duty of the newspaper or magazine’s editors and managers to stand by writers and other members of the staff when readers complain about the analysis and opinions expressed by its staff. This is all the more true in the case of editorial cartoonists, whose very job is satire—and a good satirist never pauses to worry about angering the citizenry. ** [[Haim Watzman]], In [http://web.archive.org/web/20180726214951/https://www.facebook.com/haim.watzman/posts/10160660063290022?notif_id=1532534669809157&notif_t=feedback_reaction_generic a letter of resignation] from {{w|The Jerusalem Report}}, on the dismissal of Avi Katz. *[T]he genuinely oppressed—as opposed to the hustlers of faux outrage—have always known freedom of speech to be their best friend. **[[Allen C. Guelzo]], [https://web.archive.org/web/20181028202222/https://www.city-journal.org/free-speech-crisis "Free Speech and Its Present Crisis: In today’s America, the right to express one’s opinion is threatened by activists and authorities alike."] (October 2018), ''City Journal'' === 2020s === * You can certainly suppress an idea but you cannot kill it. All you can do is put it under pressure, which quite naturally increases its potential energy. The very idea of suppressing any form of speech or expression sounds kind and generous and open-minded and supportive of the oppressed. When put into action, however, the unintended consequences become evident....The traditional remedy for speech that offends you is to ignore it. To do anything further only gives it more power and significance than it ever had. ** [[Sondra London]], [https://www.facebook.com/alden.loveshade/posts/2756544177767104?comment_id=2758726754215513&reply_comment_id=2763308533757335 Facebook, in response in a thread comparing the Confederate States of America to the National Socialist German Workers' Party (Nazi Party).] (4 March 2020). * The key to national greatness lies in sustaining and instilling our shared national identity. That means focusing on what we have in common: the heritage that we all share. At the center of this heritage is also a robust belief in free expression, free speech, and open debate. Only if we forget who we are, and how we got here, could we ever allow political [[censorship]] and [[w:Blacklist|blacklisting]] to take place in America. It's not even thinkable. Shutting down free and open debate violates our core values and most enduring traditions. In America, we don't insist on absolute [[conformity]] or enforce rigid [[Orthodoxy|orthodoxies]] and punitive speech codes. We just don't do that. America is not a timid nation of tame souls who need to be sheltered and protected from those with whom we disagree. That's not who we are. It will never be who we are. ** [[Donald Trump]], [https://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/documents/farewell-address-the-nation-3 Farewell Address to the Nation], (January 19, 2021) * An entire generation is experiencing a crisis of free speech, of authenticity, and of honesty to oneself and one’s values. For every member of [https://heterodoxacademy.org/campus-expression-survey/ that 62 percent] of young people self-censoring, for every constructive debate that never happens, for every brilliant idea that never gets voiced, it amounts to a true tragedy. [[Generation Z]] deserves permission to engage with controversial topics and to lean into [[ambiguity]]. '''The realm of discomfort is where growth and discovery occur.''' As we come of age, we need the freedom to fumble, and the reasonable expectation of grace and forgiveness when we do.<br>Unless our society abandons its censorious tendencies, it will yield a generation unable to speak freely, to take risks, or even just to be authentic. ** Rikki Schlott, [https://www.theepochtimes.com/generation-zs-silent-free-speech-crisis_3760034.html "Generation Z’s Silent Free Speech Crisis"], ''The Epoch Times'' (April 4, 2021) * '''Any government that monitors and punishes the open conversations of its citizens is absolutely isolating them against one another.''' ** Stella Morabito, [https://thefederalist.com/2023/08/11/yes-hillary-clinton-knows-a-lot-about-the-weaponization-of-loneliness/ "Yes, Hillary Clinton Is A Big Fan Of ‘The Weaponization Of Loneliness’"], ''The Federalist'' (August 11, 2023) * What point is there in free speech if one is only allowed to say something uncontroversial or what everyone else already appears to think? That’s not free speech; that’s repetition. And repetition doesn’t change people’s opinions nor educate. Why not stick to what you thought at sixteen years old and never change your mind? But in order to be allowed to question your established ideas, to educate yourself, you have to be presented with uncomfortable information in an uncomforting way—few people relish being told they’re wrong and that they have been wrong for years.<br>I say “allowed” because that is at the core of free speech. It is often assumed that the true victim of censorship is the person engaged in speaking. They are victims, but so, too, is everyone else. If your thoughts are censored, then I am [unable] to hear them. If my thoughts are censored, you are not allowed to hear my opinions and judge them against your own. As such, censorship makes each person a prisoner of their own thoughts and makes society barren silos. ** David Hutt, [https://www.rfa.org/english/commentaries/southeastasia-freedom-09242023091117.html "What to do about ‘freedom from speech?’"], ''Radio Free Asia'' (September 24, 2023) * Censorship assumes certainty, whereas free speech, academic freedom, and open inquiry allows for the discovery of our own ignorance and enables the project of human knowledge to succeed. ** [[w:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foundation_for_Individual_Rights_and_Expression|FIRE]] (Foundation for Individual Rights and Expression), ''[https://www.thefire.org/research-learn/fires-10-common-sense-reforms-colleges-and-universities FIRE’s 10 common-sense reforms for colleges and universities]'' (Original date of publication not given; accessed January 3, 2024) * Freedom of speech is intangible, and the first reason for this is because freedom of speech is originally rooted, as all the other political liberties, in the most fundamental liberty of them all: [[religious liberty]]. Defenders of liberty should always remain loyal to this commandment. The litmus test is of course when we confront opinions that we despise. Enter here a second reason for the intangibility of freedom of speech. If all are granted the liberty to publicly pronounce even the most horrible words, those despicable words may be always rebuked by others. A third reason for the intangibility of freedom of speech is that, until it remains a mere speech, even the nastier speech is inoffensive. Real problems arise in fact only when utterances incite to actions and bad words are intended to cause evil deeds, curtailing or denying the liberty of other human beings, or even harming and murdering them. Law enforcement should come in here and, while always upholding the right of all to speak freely, hate speech inciting directly or indirectly to violence, which is a crime, must be punished. ** [[Marco Respinti]], [https://bitterwinter.org/two-ahmadis-shot-dead-in-pakistan-a-needed-reflection-on-the-nature-of-liberty/ "Two Ahmadis Shot Dead in Pakistan: A Needed Reflection on the Nature of Liberty"], ''Bitter Winter'' (June 12, 2024) * When a simple observation about domestic labor becomes grounds for punishment, the boundary between public regulation and private experience narrows sharply. … When humor, personal anecdotes, and reflections on family life become subject to disciplinary action, the right to describe one’s own reality becomes precarious. ** Tan Liwei (pseudonym), [https://bitterwinter.org/uyghur-comedians-ban-shows-how-womens-voices-are-silenced-in-china/ "Uyghur Comedian’s Ban Shows How Women’s Voices Are Silenced in China"], ''Bitter Winter'' (March 11, 2026) ==See also== * [[Censorship]] * [[Criticism]] * [[Dissent]] * [[First Amendment to the United States Constitution]] * [[Free Speech Movement]] * [[Freedom movement]] * [[Freedom of assembly]] * [[Freedom of religion]] * [[Freedom of the press]] * [[Freedom of education]] * [[Freethought]] * [[Free will]] * [[Human rights]] * [[Liberty]] * [[Independence]] * [[Opinion]] * [[Speech]] ==External links== {{wikisource|Category:Freedom of speech}} {{wikinews|Category:Free speech}} * {{Wikipedia-inline}} * {{Commonscat-inline}} * {{wiktionary-inline}} [[Category:Freedom of speech| ]] [[Category:Chronologically ordered theme pages to be converted to alphabetical ordering]] 4j6zhrnt8sh5cfjw2eq4qn9ledrbiag 0 68044 3954300 3947256 2026-06-18T21:45:33Z GrimRob 1187925 /* The Great Invocation */ main article 3954300 wikitext text/x-wiki {{cleanup}} [[File:Alice Bailey in 1940s.jpg|thumb|The more a man grasps and knows, the greater is the horizon which opens up before him.]] [[w:Alice Bailey|'''Alice Ann Bailey''']] (born Alice La Trobe-Bateman; [[June 16]], [[1880]] – [[December 15]], [[1949]]) wrote more than twenty-four books on [[the Ageless Wisdom Teachings]] ([[esoteric]] [[philosophy]] and practical [[spirituality]]). She wrote about the [[Masters of Wisdom]] and the notion of their gradual emergence into the modern world. == Quotes == ===Extract from a Statement by the Tibetan=== <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/books/alice_bailey_books/extract_from_statement_by_the_tibetan Introductory statement at the start of every AAB book (Full text online)]</small> *My work is to teach and spread the knowledge of [[The Ageless Wisdom Teachings|the Ageless Wisdom]] wherever I can find a response, and I have been doing this for many years... In all the above, I have told you much; yet at the same time I have told you nothing which would lead you to offer me that blind obedience and the foolish devotion which the emotional aspirant offers to the Guru and Master Whom he is as yet unable to contact. Nor will he make that desired contact until he has transmuted emotional devotion into unselfish service to humanity--not to the Master. *The books that I have written are sent out with no claim for their acceptance. They may, or may not, be correct, true and useful. It is for you to ascertain their truth by right practice and by the exercise of the intuition. Neither I nor A.A.B. is the least interested in having them acclaimed as inspired writings... [[File:Saint Sophia Cathedral Los Angeles Dome.jpg|thumb|No man has ever been saved by theology, but only by the living Christ, and through the awakened consciousness of the Christ within each human heart.]] [[File:Siyer-i Nebi 298a.jpg|thumb|right|[[Muhammad|He]] is the [[World]] Teacher and not a Christian teacher. He Himself told us that He had other folds, and to them He has meant as much as He has meant to the orthodox Christian. They may not call Him [[Christ]], but they have their own name for Him and follow Him as [[truly]] and [[faithfully]] as their Western brethren.]] ===''Initiation, Human and Solar'' (1922) === *A man who has taken the first step into the spiritual kingdom, having passed out of the definitely human kingdom into the super-human. . . . He has entered upon the life of the spirit, and for the first time has the right to be called a "spiritual man" in the technical significance of the word. He is entering upon the fifth or final stage in our present fivefold evolution. p. 10 *Each initiation marks the passing of a pupil in the [[Ageless Wisdom teachings|Hall of Wisdom]] into a higher class, marks the clear shining forth of the inner fire and the transition from one point of polarisation to another, entails the realization of an increasing unity with all that lives and the essential oneness of the self with all selves. It results in a horizon that continually enlarges until it includes the sphere of creation; it is a growing capacity to see and hear on all planes. It is an increased consciousness of God's plan for the world, and an increased ability to enter into those plans and to further them. It is the honour class in the Master's school, and is within the attainment of those souls whose karma permits and whose efforts suffice to fulfil the aim. p. 13 *Initiation leads to the mount whence vision can be had, a vision of the [[Now|eternal Now]], wherein past, present, and future exist as one. p. 13 *Initiation leads to the stream that, once entered, sweeps a man onward until it carries him to the feet of the Lord of the World, to the feet of his Father in Heaven, to the feet of the three-fold Logos... It leads through the Hall of Wisdom, and puts into a man's hands the key to all information, systemic and cosmic, in graduated sequence. It reveals the hidden mystery that lies at the heart of the solar system. It leads from one state of consciousness to another. As each state is entered the horizon enlarges, the vista extends, and the comprehension includes more and more, until the expansion reaches a point where the self embraces all selves, including all that is "moving and unmoving", as phrased by an ancient Scripture. p. 14 *At the first initiation, the control of the Ego over the physical body must have reached a high degree of attainment. "The sins of the flesh", as the Christian phraseology has it, must be dominated; gluttony, drink, and licentiousness must no longer hold sway. The physical elemental will no longer find its demand obeyed; the control must be complete and the lure departed. A general attitude of obedience to the Ego must have been achieved, and the willingness to obey must be very strong. The channel between the higher and the lower is widened, and the obedience of the flesh practically automatic. p. 82 *After this (first) initiation...He passes, at this initiation, out of the Hall of Learning into the Hall of Wisdom... A long period of many incarnations may elapse before the control of the astral body is perfected, and the initiate is ready for the next step. p. 84 *This ceremony of initiation marks a point of attainment. It does not bring about Initiation... It rests upon his inner attainment. The initiate will know for himself when the event occurs and needs no one to tell him of it. . . . It is quite possible for men to be functioning on the physical plane and to be actively employed in world service, who have no recollection of having undergone the initiatory process, yet who, nevertheless, may have taken the first or second initiation in a previous or earlier life... A man may be able better to work off certain karma and to carry out certain work for the Lodge, if he is free from occult occupation and mystic introspection during the period of any one earth life. p. 102 *The first initiation is within reach of many, but the necessary one-pointedness and the firm belief in the reality ahead, coupled to a willingness to sacrifice all rather than turn back, are deterrents to many. If this book serves no other purpose than to spur some one to renewed believing effort, it will not have been written in vain. p. 111 *There is a great distinction between the terms "aspirant to the Path" and "applicant for initiation". He who aspires and strives towards discipleship is in no way pledged to the same specific attitude and discipline as is the applicant for initiation, and he can, if he so choose, take as long as he desires in the treading of the Probationary Path. p. 192 *The disciple's attitude of mind must be that he cares not whether he takes initiation or not. Selfish motive must not enter it... When the lower life upon the physical plane is fertilised, the emotional stabilised, and the mental transmitted, then naught can prevent the latch on the door being lifted, and the disciple passing through. p. 193/4 ===''Letters on Occult Meditation'' (1922) === <small>([https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/letters_on_occult_meditation_obooks Full text online])</small> *It is hoped that those who read these letters will endeavour to do two things: 1. Read always with an open mind, remembering that the truth is a many-sided diamond, and that its different aspects will appear at different times, as those who guide the race see a need which must be met. Many books on meditation have been written, some too abstruse and some too superficial to satisfy the average educated man. The writer of these letters has apparently attempted to supply the need of a brief yet scientific exposition of a rationale of meditation, emphasising the goal immediately ahead and the intermediate stages. 2. Judge of the letters on their merits and not upon claims put forth on behalf of the writer. For this reason he has chosen to preserve his anonymity and has requested the recipient of the letters to publish them under his pseudonym.<BR>If the subject matter of the letters is of value it will call forth a response from the readers and serve to help some onward towards the goal, and prove to many the inspiration and aid it already has to a few. (Foreword) *It is in the aligning of the three vehicles, the physical, the emotional, and the lower mind body, within the causal periphery, and their stabilising there by an effort of the will, that the real work of the Ego or Higher Self in any particular incarnation can be accomplished. The great thinkers of the race, the true exponents of lower mind, are fundamentally those whose three lower bodies are aligned; that is to say those whose mental body holds the other two in circumspect alignment. The mental body, then, is in direct communication, unobstructed and free from interference, straight through to the physical brain. *When the alignment is fourfold and when the three above-mentioned bodies are aligned with the body of the Higher Self, the causal or egoic body, and held steady within its circumference, then the great leaders of the race, —those who emotionally and intellectually sway mankind, can be seen working; then the inspirational writers and dreamers can bring down their inspirations and dreams; and then the synthetic and abstract thinkers can transfer their conceptions to the world of form. It is, right through, a question of an unimpeded channel. *Later comes co-ordination perfected with the Higher Self, the channel of communication reaching in line direct, via an unimpeded funnel, if so I might express it,—to the physical brain consciousness. Heretofore it has only been direct at rare intervals. The four lesser brain centres are functioning at high vibration in the man of a highly coordinated personality; when the Ego is nearing alignment with the lower bodies, the pineal gland and the pituitary body are in process of development; and when they are functioning with correlation (which eventuates by the time the third Initiation is taken), then the third, or alta major centre, intensifies its hitherto gentle vibration. When the fifth Initiation is taken, the interplay between the three centres is perfected, and the alignment of the bodies is geometrically rectified; you have then the perfected fivefold superman. *For the average man, then, this alignment occurs only at intervals, in moments of stress, in hours of needed humanitarian effort and in times of intensest aspiration. Abstraction of a more or less degree has to enter in before the Ego takes continued notice of the personality or lower self. When that abstraction involves the emotions, is based in the mentality and contacts the physical brain, then alignment is commencing. *Forget not either that it is largely a question of matter and vibration. The abstract levels of the mental plane consist of the three higher levels, the first being that termed the third subplane. As I have explained to you before, each subplane has its correlations on the major planes. When, therefore, you have built into your bodies,—physical, emotional and mental,—matter of the third subplane of each of those planes, then the Higher self commences consciously and ever more continuously to function through the aligning Personality. *Perhaps we might reverse the idea and state that it is only when third subplane matter of a certain percentage (which percentage is one of the secrets of Initiation) is contained in the vehicles, that the Personality as a conscious whole recognises and obeys that Higher self. After such a percentage is attained, it is then necessary to build in matter of the two higher subplanes on the physical and emotional planes; hence the struggle for the aspirant to purify and discipline the physical body and to subdue the emotional. Purification and subjugation describe the work to be done on the two planes. This involves the use of lower mind, and the three lower vehicles thus become aligned. The vibrations of the abstract levels can then begin to be felt. You need to remember that they come via the causal body, the vehicle of the Higher Self, and the average causal body is on the third subplane of the mental plane. This is a point not sufficiently recognised. Ponder on it. Real abstract thought becomes possible only when the Personality has, by vibration reciprocal to that of the Ego, aligned itself sufficiently to form a fairly unimpeded channel. Then at intervals, rare at first but of increasing frequency, will abstract ideas begin to filter down, to be followed in due time by flashes of real illumination or intuition from the spiritual Triad or the true threefold Ego itself. ===''The Consciousness of the Atom'' (1922) === <small>([https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/obooks_the_consciousness_the_atom Full text online])</small> *There has probably never been a period in the history of thought entirely resembling the present. Thinkers everywhere are conscious of two things, first, that the region of mystery has never before been so clearly defined, and secondly, that that region can be entered more easily than has hitherto been the case; it may, therefore, perhaps be induced to render up some of its secrets if investigators of all schools pursue their search with determination. The problems with which we are faced, as we study the known facts of life and existence, are susceptible of clearer definition than heretofore, and though we do not know the answers to our questions, though we have not as yet discovered the solutions to our problems, though no panacea lies ready to our hand whereby we can remedy the world's ills, yet the very fact that we can define them, that we can point in the direction in which mystery lies, and that the light of science, of religions, and of philosophy, has been shed upon vast tracts which were earlier considered lands of darkness, is a guarantee of success in the future. We know so much more than was the case five hundred years ago, save in a few circles of wise men and mystics; we have discovered so many laws of nature, even though as yet we cannot apply them; and the knowledge of "things as they are" (and I choose these words very deliberately) has made immense strides. Lecture II, The Evolution of Substance *It is obvious that in such a series of lectures as this it would be impossible to deal adequately in any way with this stupendous subject, even were I equipped to lecture on such a fundamentally scientific matter. Again, if the conclusions of science were definite upon the evolution of matter, the topic would be, even then, too vast to handle, but they are not, and hence the further complicating of the subject. Therefore I want to preface my remarks to-night by stating that my aim is to speak particularly for those who have no scientific training of any kind, and to give them a general concept of the usually accepted ideas; I seek, then, to make some suggestions which we may find helpful in adjusting our minds to this great problem of matter. Usually when the substance aspect of manifestation has been considered, it has been as a thing apart, and it is only lately that what I might call the "psychology of matter" is beginning to come before the mind of the public through the investigations and conclusions of the broader-minded scientists. Lecture IV, The Goal of Evolution *In our talks upon evolution, as I mentioned in the first lecture, we have been dealing somewhat with suppositions, and concerning ourselves with possibilities. Certain things we do know, and certain truths have been ascertained; yet even the conclusions of science, for instance, such as were so much spoken of and insisted upon forty years ago, are no longer regarded as facts, and are not used or promulgated as drastically and as emphatically as they were. Science itself is finding every year that its knowledge is very relative. *The more a man grasps and knows, the greater is the horizon which opens up before him. *Scientists are now venturing into what are the subtler planes of matter, and therefore into the realms of the unproven, and we should remember that, until recently, science has refused to admit their existence. We are passing beyond the sphere of what has been called "solid matter," into such realms as are inferred when we speak about "centres of energy," "negative and positive force," and "electrical phenomena"; and the emphasis is being laid more and more upon quality rather than upon what has been called substance. *The further we look ahead, the wider our speculations become, and the more we attempt to account for telepathic, psychic and other phenomena, the more we shall trespass into the realm of what is now the subjective and the subconscious, and the more we shall be forced to express ourselves in terms of quality or of energy. *If we succeed at all in accounting for that which is unusual, for that which is as yet inexplicable to us, and in ascertaining the reality of the occult, [121] we shall bring about a condition which might almost be called paradoxical. We shall gradually make the subjective the objective. *The topic that I am going to consider now is one that affects us very closely: namely, the attainment by man of that group consciousness which is his goal, and the expansions of his little consciousness until it measures up to that greater one which enfolds it. *There is a very interesting analogy between the evolution of the atom and of man (and I presume therefore of the planetary Deity and the solar Logos) in the two methods of unfoldment that are followed. We have seen that the atom has its own atomic life, and that every atom of substance in the solar system is likewise a little system in itself, having a positive centre, or central sun, with the electrons, or the negative aspect, revolving in their orbits around it. Such is the internal life of the atom, its self-centred aspect. *The atom is now being studied along a newer line, that of radio-activity, and it is becoming apparent in many cases there is an active radiation going on. Just where this discovery is going to lead it is impossible to tell, for the study of radio-active substances is as yet in its infancy, and little is actually known. Much of the earlier teaching of physical science has been revolutionised by the discovery of radium, and the more scientists find out, the more it becomes apparent (as they themselves realise), that we are standing on the threshold of very great discoveries, and are on the eve of profound revelations. *In the human being, as he evolves and develops, these two stages can equally be seen. There is the early or atomic stage, in which a man's whole centre of interest lies within himself, within his own sphere, where self-centredness is the law of his being, a necessary protective stage of evolution. He is purely selfish, and concerned primarily with his own affairs. This is succeeded by a later stage, in which a man's consciousness begins to expand, his interests begin to lie outside his own particular sphere, and the period arrives in which he is feeling for the group to which he belongs. This stage might be viewed as corresponding to that of radio-activity. He is now not only a self-centred life, but he is also beginning to have a definite effect upon his surroundings. He is turning his attention from his own personal selfish life, and is seeking his greater centre. From being simply an atom he is, in his turn, becoming an electron, and coming under the influence of the great central Life which holds him within the sphere of Its influence. *Having seen that the two stages of atomic activity and radio-activity characterise the evolution of all atoms in the solar system, let us now see what are the different developments which may be expected as the consciousness within the human atom evolves. I should like to centre our attention upon this human type of consciousness, as it is the central evolution in the solar system. When the three aspects of the divine life are brought together—the indwelling life or spirit, the material form or substantial vehicle, and the factor of intelligent activity—certain specific results will eventuate. *Again, we can look for a very interesting happening in connection with the human family to take place, for the moment group consciousness becomes, on a larger scale, the conscious objective of man, what will occur? You will have man putting his foot upon what is called in the religious world, "The Path." You will have him definitely taking himself in hand, endeavouring to live the life of the spirit, refusing any longer to live a self-centred atomic life; you will have him searching for his place within the greater whole, finding it by means of definite self-initiated endeavour, and then unifying himself with that group. This is all that is really meant by the teaching given about the Path in the Protestant, Catholic, and Buddhist churches. They all teach the treading of this Path, calling it by different names, such as the Way, the [[noble Eightfold Path]], the Path of Illumination, or the Path of Holiness. Yet it is the one Path, that which shineth ever more and more unto the perfect day. *Truth lies within ourselves. When we can contact our own inner God all truth will be revealed to us. We shall be Knowers. But this is a positive, not a negative thing, and means the putting of oneself in direct conscious alignment with one's Ego, or higher self, and not the throwing open of one's personality to any passing entity or spook. This can be seen occurring now, occasionally, but it is not very often that the average man comes in contact with his higher self. Only in our moments of highest endeavour, only at the great crises of our lives, and only as the result of long discipline and strenuous meditation does this occur. But some day we shall govern our entire lives, not from the personal, selfish point of view, but from the point of view of the God within, Who is a direct revelation of Spirit on the highest plane. *The majority of us control our physical bodies consciously, making them carry out our behests upon the physical plane. Some of us control our emotions consciously, but very few of us can control the mind. Most of us are controlled by our desires, and by our thoughts. But the time is coming when we shall consciously control our threefold lower nature. Time will then not exist for us at all. We shall have that continuity of consciousness upon the three planes of being—physical, emotional, and mental—which will enable us to live as does the Logos, in that very metaphysical abstraction, the [[Now|Eternal Now]]. *The fourth dimension is the ability to see through and around a thing. The fifth dimension is the ability, for instance, to take an eye, and by means of that eye to put oneself en rapport with all other eyes in the solar system. To see in the sixth dimension might be defined as the power to take a pebble off the beach, and by means of it to put oneself in accord with the entire planet. Now in the fifth dimension, where you took the eye, you were limited to a particular line of manifestation, but in the case of the sixth dimension, where you took a pebble, you were put in touch with the entire planet." This is something very far ahead of us, but it is interesting to speak about, and holds a promise for each and all. *There is not time to deal with the other powers, nor can I enumerate what they all may be. Healing by touch will be amongst them. The manipulation of the magnetic fluids, and conscious creation by means of colour and sound, are others. All that really concerns us at this time is that we should consciously take ourselves in hand, seek to come ever more and more under control of the inner ruler, endeavour to become radio-active, and to develop group consciousness. ===''A Treatise on Cosmic Fire'' (1925)=== *Agni, the Lord of Fire, rules over all the fire elementals and devas on the three planes of human evolution, the physical, the astral, and the mental, and rules over them not only on this planet, called the Earth, but on the three planes in all parts of the system. p. 65 *As [[evolution]] proceeds it shows itself as a gradual expansion of the [[love]] faculty, passing through the stages of love of mate, love of [[family]], love of surrounding associates, to love of one's entire environment; [[patriotism]] gives place later to love of [[Humanity|humanity,]] p. 595 *Agni, the sum-total of the Gods. He is [[Vishnu]] and the [[Sun]] in His glory; He is the fire of matter and the fire of mind blended and fused; He is the intelligence which throbs in every atom; He is the Mind that actuates the system; He is the fire of substance and the substance of fire; He is the Flame and that which the Flame destroys. p. 602 * All potentiality lies in the vitalising, energising power of Agni, and in His ability to stimulate. He is life itself, and the driving force of evolution, of psychic development and of consciousness. p. 606 === ''The Light of the Soul: Its Science and Effect: a paraphrase of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali'', with commentary (1927) === <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_light_the_soul (Full text online)]</small> *[[Patanjali]] was a compiler of teaching which, up to the time of his advent, had been given orally for many centuries.... The [[Yoga Sutras of Patanjali|Yoga Sutras]] are the basic teaching of the Trans Himalayan School to which many of the [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters of the Wisdom]] belong, and many students hold that the [[Essenes]] and other schools of mystical training and thought, closely connected with the founder of [[Christianity]] and the early Christians, are based upon the same system... the Sutras have [xvi] been dictated and paraphrased by the Tibetan Brother and the commentary upon them has been written by myself, and subjected to revision and comment by the Tibetan. *1. [[Om|AUM. (OM)]] The following instruction concerns the Science of Union.<BR>[[Om|AUM.(OM)]] is the Word of Glory; it signifies the Word made flesh and the manifestation upon the plane of matter of the second aspect of divinity. This blazing forth of the sons of righteousness before the world is achieved by following the rules herein contained. When all the sons of men have demonstrated that they are also Sons of God, the cosmic Son of God will likewise shine forth with increased intensity of glory. The great initiate, [[Paul]], had a vision of this when he said that "the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain . . . waiting for the manifestation of the sons of God." (Rom. VIII.) *7. The basis of correct knowledge is [[correct]] [[perception]], correct deduction and correct witness (or accurate evidence).<BR>One of the most revolutionary realizations to which the [[occult]] student has to adjust himself is the appreciation that the [[mind]] is a means whereby knowledge is to be gained... *27. The Word of Ishvara is [[Om|AUM (or OM)]]. This is the Pranava. <BR>II. The Sacred Word. This is the Word of Glory, the AUM. This is the Pranava, the sound of conscious Life itself as It is breathed forth into all forms... *28. Through the sounding of the Word and through reflection upon its meaning, the Way is found.<BR>This is a very general paraphrase but conveys nevertheless the correct significance of the terms used in the Sanskrit. Only [[Vivekananda]], among the many translators, gives this interpretation, putting it as follows: "The repetition of the OM and meditating upon its meaning (is the Way)." *29. From this comes the realisation of the Self (the soul) and the removal of all obstacles. *30. The obstacles to soul cognition are bodily disability, mental inertia, wrong questioning, carelessness, laziness, lack of dispassion, erroneous perception, inability to achieve concentration, failure to hold the meditative attitude when achieved. *31. Pain, despair, misplaced bodily activity and wrong direction (or control) of the life currents are the results of the obstacles in the lower psychic nature. *32. To overcome the obstacles and their accompaniments, the intense application of the will to some one truth (or principle) is required. *33. The peace of the chitta (or mind stuff) can be brought about through the practice of sympathy, tenderness, steadiness of purpose, and dispassion in regard to pleasure or pain, or towards all forms of good or evil. *34. The peace of the chitta is also brought about by the regulation of the prana or life breath. *35. The mind can be trained to steadiness through those forms of concentration which have relation to the sense perceptions. *36. By meditation upon Light and upon Radiance, knowledge of the Spirit can be reached and thus peace can be achieved. *37. The chitta is stabilized and rendered free from [[illusion]] as the lower nature is purified and no longer indulged. ===[[W:A Treatise on White Magic|''A Treatise on White Magic'']] <small>or ''The Way of the Disciple''</small> (1934)=== {{main|A Treatise on White Magic}} <small>([https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/a_treatise_on_white_magic_obooks Full text online])</small> * In the study of the ideas outlined in this book and their careful consideration certain basic concepts are borne in mind: First, that the matter of prime importance to each student is not the fact of a particular teacher's personality but the measure of truth for which he stands, and the student's power to discriminate between truth, partial truth, and falsity. Second, that with increased esoteric teaching comes increased exoteric responsibility. Let each student with clarity therefore take stock of himself, remembering that understanding comes through application of the measure of truth grasped to the immediate problem and environment, and that the consciousness expands through use of the truth imparted. Third, that a dynamic adherence to the chosen path and a steady perseverance that overcomes and remains unmoved by aught that may eventuate, is a prime requisite and leads to the portal admitting to a kingdom, a dimension and a state of being which is inwardly or subjectively known. It is this state of realisation which produces changes in form and environment commensurate with its power. These three suggestions will merit a close consideration by all, and their significance must be somewhat grasped before further real progress is possible. Introductory Remarks *The statistical and the academic is a necessary basis and a preliminary step for most scientific study, but in this book we will centre our attention on the life aspect, and the practical application of truth to the daily life of the aspirant. Let us study how we can become practical magicians, and in what way we can best live the life of a spiritual man, and of an aspirant to accepted discipleship in our own peculiar times, state and environment. Introductory Remarks *Some Basic Assumptions. We are entering upon a course of study wherein the entire tendency will be to throw the student back upon himself, and thus upon that larger self which has only, in most cases, made its presence felt at rare and highly emotional intervals. When the self is known and not simply felt and, when the realisation is mental as well as sensory, then truly can the aspirant be prepared for initiation. I would like to point out that I am basing my words upon certain basic assumptions, which for the sake of clarity, I want briefly to state. Firstly, that the student is sincere in his aspiration, and is determined to go forward no matter what may be the reaction of and upon the lower self. Only those who can clearly differentiate between the two aspects of their nature, the real self and the illusory self, can work intelligently. This has been well expressed in the [[Yoga Sutras of Patanjali]]. p. 54 *Secondly, I am acting upon the assumption that all have lived long enough and battled sufficiently with deterrent forces of life to have enabled them to develop a fairly true sense of values. I assume they are endeavouring to live as those who know something of the true eternal values of the soul. They are not to be kept back by any happenings to the personality or by the pressure of time and circumstance, by age or physical disability. They have wisely learnt that enthusiastic rushing forward and a violent energetic progress has its drawbacks, and that a steady, regular, persistent endeavour will carry them further in the long run. Spasmodic spurts of effort and temporary pressure peter out into disappointment and a weighty sense of failure. It is the tortoise and not the hare that arrives first at the goal, though both achieve eventually. *Thirdly, I assume that those who set themselves seriously to benefit by the instructions in this book are prepared to carry out the simple requirements, to read what is written thoughtfully, to attempt to organise their minds and adhere to their meditation work. The organising of the mind is an all-day affair, and the application of the mind to the thing in hand throughout the daily avocations, is the best way to make study and meditation periods fruitful and bring about fitness for the vocation of disciple. *With these assumptions clearly understood, my words are for those who are seeking to measure up to the need for trained servers. I say not, you note, those who measure up. Intention and effort are considered by us of prime importance, and are the two main requisites for all disciples, initiates and masters, plus the power of persistence. p. 55 *I speak about [[Death]] as one who knows...: There is no death. There is... entrance into fuller life. There is freedom from the handicaps of the fleshly vehicle. The rending process so much dreaded does not exist, except in the cases of violent and of sudden death, and then the only true disagreeables are an instant and overwhelming sense of imminent peril and destruction, and something closely approaching an electric shock. No more... For the average good citizen, death is a continuance of the living process in his consciousness and a carrying forward of the interests and tendencies of the life. His consciousness and his sense of awareness are the same and unaltered. He does not sense much difference, is well taken care of, and oft is unaware that he has passed through the episode of death. For the wicked and cruelly selfish, for the criminal and for those few who live for the material side only, there eventuates that condition which we call "earth-bound". The links they have forged with earth and the earthward bias of all their desires, force them to remain close to the earth and their last setting in the earth environment. They seek desperately and by every possible means to re-contact it and to re-enter. In a few cases, great personal love for those left behind or the non-fulfilment of a recognised and urgent duty, holds the good and beautiful in a somewhat similar condition. p. 300/1 ===''From Bethlehem to Calvary'' (1937)=== <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/from_bethlehem_calvary (full text online)]</small> *Many years of work as an evangelist and as a teacher in the field of Christian principles, and a difficult cycle in which I faced the problem of my own relation to Christ and to Christianity, have brought me to two definitely clear and clean-cut recognitions: first, a recognition of the reality of the Individuality of Christ and of His Mission; and secondly, a recognition that the development of the Christ Consciousness and the Christ Nature in individual man, and in the race as a whole, carries with it the solution of our world problem. (Forward) *Most heartily do I endorse the words of [[w:Arthur Weigall|Arthur Weigall]] when he says: "Yet the Jesus of History as distinct from the Jesus of Theology, remains `the way, the truth, and the life'; and I am convinced that concentration upon the historic figure of our Lord and upon His teaching can alone inspire in this Twentieth Century that fervent adherence and service which in former ages could be obtained from the average layman by the expounding of theological dogmas, the threat of hell, and the performance of elaborate rites and ceremonies." [ii] (Forward) *The kingdom of God is now in process of rapid formation, as all those with forward-seeing vision and a realisation of the rapidly emerging beauty and divinity of man can bear testimony. We are passing through the transition period between the old age and [[Age of Aquarius|the new]], and the true mission of Christ, so deeply and frequently obscured by theological implications and disputations, embodies in itself the coming revelation. The development of humanity guarantees the recognition of Christ and His work and its participation, consciously, in the kingdom of God. (Forward) *We are in process of passing from one religious age into another. The spiritual trends of today are steadily becoming more defined. The hearts of men have never been more open to spiritual impression than they are at this time, and the door into the very centre of reality stands wide open. Paralleling, however, this significant development is a trend in the counter direction, and [[materialistic]] philosophies and doctrines of negation are becoming increasingly prevalent. To many, the whole question of the validity of the Christian religion remains to be determined. Claims are made that Christianity has failed and that man does not need the Gospel story with its implications of divinity and its urge to service and sacrifice. (Chapter One) *Is the Gospel story historically true? Is it a mystical tale of great beauty and of real teaching value but nevertheless of no vital import to the intelligent men and women of today, who pride themselves on their reasoning powers and upon their independence of ancient mental trammels and of old and dusty traditions? As to the perfection of the portrayed character of Christ there is never any question. The enemies of Christianity admit His uniqueness, His basic profundity and His understanding of the hearts of men. They recognise the intelligence of His ideas and sponsor them in their own philosophies. The developments which the Carpenter of Nazareth brought about in the fabric of human life, His social and economic ideals, and the beauty of the civilisation which could be founded upon the ethical teaching of the [[Sermon on the Mount]] are frequently emphasised by many who refuse to recognise His mission as an expression of divinity. (Chapter One) *From the rational point of view, the question as to the historical accuracy of His story remains as yet unsolved, though His teaching upon the Fatherhood of God and the brotherhood of man is endorsed by the best minds of the race. Those who can move in the world of ideas, of faith and of living experience testify to His divinity and to the fact that He can be approached. But such testimony is often passed over lightly as being mystical, futile and incapable of proof. Individual belief is, after all, of no value to anyone except to the believer himself, or as it tends to increase testimony until the total assumes such proportions that it eventually becomes proof. To fall back upon the "way of belief" can be indicative of a living experience, but it can also be a form of self-hypnotism and a "way of escape" from the difficulties and problems of daily life. The effort to understand, to experiment, to experience and to express what is known and believed is frequently too difficult for the majority, and they then fall back upon a belief which is based upon the testimony of the trusted, as the easiest way out of the impasse. (Chapter One) *The problem of religion and the problem of orthodox Christianity are not one and the same thing. Much that we see around us today of unbelief and criticism, and the negation of our so-called truths, is based upon the fact that religion has been largely superseded by creed, and doctrine has taken the place of living experience. It is this living experience which is the keynote of this book. (Chapter One) *The only excuse for this book is that it is an attempt to penetrate to that deeper meaning underlying the great events in the life of Christ, and to bring into renewed life and interest the weakening aspiration of the Christian. If it can be shown that the story revealed in the Gospels has not only an application to that divine Figure Which dwelt for a time among men, but that it has also a practical significance and meaning for the civilised man today, then there will be some objective gained and some service and help rendered.... A myth is capable of becoming a fact in the experience of an individual, for a myth is a fact which can be proven. Upon the myths we take our stand, but we must seek to re-interpret them in the light of the present. Through self-initiated experiment we can prove their validity; through experience we can establish them as governing forces in our lives; and through their expression we can demonstrate their truth to others. This is the theme of this book, dealing as it does with the facts of the Gospel story, that fivefold sequential myth which teaches us the revelation of divinity in the Person of Jesus Christ, and which remains eternally truth, in the cosmic sense, in the historical sense, and in its practical application to the individual. This myth divides itself into five great episodes: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem. 2. The Baptism in Jordan. 3. The Transfiguration on Mount Carmel. 4. The Crucifixion on Mount Golgotha. 5. The Resurrection and Ascension. (Chapter One) *Christ gives us a definite picture of the entire process in His own life story, built around those major initiations which are our universal heritage and the glorious (and for many) the immediate opportunity. These are: 1. The Birth at Bethlehem, to which Christ called Nicodemus, saying, "Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God."... 2. The Baptism in Jordan. This is the baptism to which John the Baptist referred us, telling us that the baptism of the Holy Spirit and of fire must be administered to us by Christ... 3. The Transfiguration. There perfection is for the first time demonstrated, and there the divine possibility of such perfection is proven to the disciples. The command goes forth to us, "Be ye therefore perfect even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect."... 4. The Crucifixion. This is called the Great Renunciation, in the Orient, with its lesson of sacrifice and its call to the death of the lower nature. This was the lesson which St. Paul knew and the goal towards which he strove. "I die daily," he said, for only in the practice of death daily undergone can the final Death be met and endured."... 5. The Resurrection and Ascension, the final triumph which enables the initiate to sing and to know the meaning of the words: "Oh death, where is thy sting? Oh grave, where is thy victory?"... Such are the five great dramatic events of the mysteries... (Chapter One) === ''Problems Of Humanity'' (1944) === <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/problems_humanity (Full text online)]</small> *Introduction *In the recognition of the growth in human consciousness and in a realization of the distinction obviously existing between primitive men and our modern intelligent humanity lie the grounds for an unshaken optimism as to human destiny. *The key to humanity's trouble...has been to take and not give, to accept and not share... *Chapter I, The Psychological Rehabilitation of the Nations *This problem is far more complicated and deep-seated than might appear at the first glance. Had we only to deal with the national psychoses and the mental conditions induced by the act of war and participation in it, the problem would be acute enough but it could be solved easily by the restitution of security, by the sound psychological treatment of the differing nationalities, by their physical rehabilitation and by the restoration of liberty, opportunity, leisure and, above all, by the organization of the men and women of goodwill. This latter group would show themselves as willing to carry forward the needed educational processes and (which is far more important) they would endeavour to convey spiritual inspiration—something which humanity sorely needs at this time. There are enough men and women of goodwill in the world today to accomplish this if they can be reached, inspired and supported in their endeavour, both materially and spiritually. *The situation is far more difficult than a casual analysis would make it seem. The psychological problem involved has a background which is centuries old, which is inherent in the soul of each individual nation and which is potently conditioning the minds of all their peoples today. It is here that our major difficulty lies and it is one which will not easily give way to any effort or to any spiritual endeavour, whether carried out by the organized churches (which show a woeful lack of appreciation of the problem) or by spiritually minded groups and individuals. *The work to be done is so acutely needed and the perils of its non-accomplishment are so appalling that it is necessary to indicate certain major lines of danger and certain national aptitudes which carry a menace to the peace of the world. These problems fall naturally into two categories:<BR>I. The internal, psychological problems of the individual nations.<BR>II. Major world problems, such as the relation between nations and business and the forces of labour. *Before the world can be a safer, sweeter, saner and more beautiful place, all the nations must take stock of themselves and begin to handle their own psychological weaknesses and complexes. Each nation must aim at sound mental health and endeavour to implement sound, psychological objectives. International unity must be attained and this should be based not only upon mutual trust but also upon correct world objectives and true psychological understanding. *Goodwill is man's first attempt to express the love of God. Its results on earth will be peace. It is so simple and practical that people fail to appreciate its potency or its scientific and dynamic effect. One person sincerely practising goodwill in a family, can completely change its attitudes. Goodwill really practised among groups in any nation, by political and religious parties in any nation, and among the nations of the world, can revolutionise the world. *Chapter II - The Problem of the Children of the World *This problem is, without exception, the most urgent confronting humanity today. The future of the race lies in the hands of the young people everywhere. They are the parents of the coming generations and the engineers who must implement the new civilization. What we do with them and for them is momentous in its implications; our responsibility is great and our opportunity unique. *This chapter deals with the children and adolescents, under sixteen years old. These two groups are the most hopeful element in a world which has fallen to pieces before our eyes. They are the guarantee that our world can be rebuilt and—if we have learned anything from past history and its dire consequences in our lifetime—rebuilt along different lines, with different objectives and incentives and with well-defined goals and carefully considered ideals. *Chapter III - The Problem of Capital, Labour & Employment *In a unique sense we stand today at the dawn of an entirely new economic age. This is increasingly obvious to all thinking people. Because of the triumph of science—the release of the energy of the atom—the future of mankind and the type of the incoming civilization is unpredictable. The changes which are imminent are so far-reaching that it is apparent that the old economic values and the familiar standards of living are bound to pass away; no one knows what will take their place. *Conditions will be basically altered; along certain lines, such as the distribution of coal and oil for lighting, heating and transportation, is it not possible that in the future neither of these planetary resources will be required? These are two instances of the fundamental changes which the use of atomic energy may make in future civilized living. *Two major problems will grow out of this discovery—one immediate in nature and the other to be later developed. The first is that those whose large financial interests are bound up in products which the new type of energy will inevitably supersede will fight to the last ditch to prevent these new sources of wealth from benefiting others.<BR> Secondly, there will be the steadily growing problem of the release of man power from the gruelling labour and the long hours today required in order to provide a living wage and the necessities of life. One is the problem of capital and the other is the problem of labour; one is the problem of established control of the purely selfish interests which have for so long controlled the life of humanity and the other is the problem of leisure and its constructive use. One problem concerns civilization and its correct functioning in the new age and the other concerns culture and the employment of time along creative lines. *It must be recognised that the cause of all world unrest, of the world wars which have wrecked humanity, and the widespread misery upon our planet, can largely be attributed to a selfish group with materialistic purposes, who have for centuries exploited the masses and used the labour of mankind for their selfish ends . . . This group of capitalists has cornered and exploited the world's resources and the staples required for civilised living; they have been able to do this because they have owned and controlled the world's wealth through their interlocking directorates, and have retained it in their hands. They have made possible the vast differences existing between the very rich and the very poor; they love money and the power which money gives; they have stood behind governments and politicians; they have controlled the electorate; they have made possible the narrow nationalistic aims of selfish politics; they have financed the world businesses and controlled oil, coal, power, light and transportation; they control publicly or sub rosa the world's banking accounts. <BR>The responsibility for the widespread misery to be found today in every country in the world, lies predominantly at the door of certain major interrelated groups of business men, bankers, executives of international cartels, monopolies, trusts and organisations, and directors of huge corporations, who work for corporate or personal gain. p. 70/1 *Chapter IV - The Problem of the Racial Minorities - Part 1 *The racial problem is badly obscured by its historical retrospect and presentation, much of which is unsound and untrue; it is obscured also by ancient hatreds and national jealousies. These are inherent in human nature but are fed and fostered by prejudice and those who are animated by ulterior and selfish intentions. New and rapidly arising ambitions are also fomenting the difficulty; these ambitions are right and sound, particularly in the case of the Negro. These ambitions are often exploited and distorted by selfish political interests and trouble-making agencies. Still other factors conditioning the racial problem are the economic distress under which so many labour today, the imperialistic control of certain nations, the lack of educational attainments, or a civilization so ancient that it is showing signs of degeneration. These and many other factors are everywhere present, conditioning human thinking, deluding the many affected by the problem and greatly handicapping the efforts of those who are seeking to bring about right action and develop a more balanced and constructive attitude among these minorities. Minorities, along with the rest of mankind, are subject to the unerring forces of evolution and are struggling towards a higher and better existence, towards more wholesome living conditions, towards more individual and racial freedom and a much higher level of right human relations. *Chapter IV - The Problem of the Racial Minorities - Part 2 *The problem of the Negro in the western hemisphere constitutes a very ugly story, seriously implicates the white man and provides an outstanding disgrace. Brought to the United States and to the West Indies more than two centuries ago and forced into slavery, the Negro has never had a fair deal or any true opportunity. Under the constitution of the United States, all men are regarded as free and equal; the Negro, however, is not free or equal, particularly in the southern states. The situation in the West Indies more closely resembles that in the northern states, where conditions are somewhat better but where there is still no equality of opportunity and much racial discrimination. The treatment of the Negro in the southern states is a blot upon the country; there the fight is to keep the Negro consistently down, to refuse him equality of education and of opportunity, to keep his standard of living at the lowest possible level and well below that of the white, to refuse him political recognition and, in a democratic country where all men are entitled to vote, he is prevented from sharing in this constitutional privilege. In the northern states these conditions do not exist to the same extent, but the Negro is steadily discriminated against, is refused equal opportunity and has to fight for every privilege. *Chapter VI - The Problem of International Unity *The distribution of the world's resources and the settled unity of the peoples of the world are in reality one and the same thing, for behind all modern wars lies a fundamental economic problem. Solve that and wars will very largely cease. In considering, therefore, the preservation of peace, as sought for and emphasized by the [[United Nations]] at this time, it becomes immediately apparent that peace, security and world stability are primarily tied up with the economic problem. When there is freedom from want, one of the major causes of war will disappear. Where there is uneven distribution of the world's riches and where there is a situation in which some nations have or take everything and other nations lack the necessities of life, it is obvious that there is a trouble-breeding factor there and that something must be done. Therefore we should deal with world unity and peace primarily from the angle of the economic problem. *The reason for the corrupt politics and the [[Greed|greedy]] ambitious planning of so many of the world's leading men, can be found in the fact that the spiritually minded men and women have not assumed - as their spiritual duty and responsibility - the leadership of the people. They have left the power in the wrong hands and permitted the selfish and the undesirable to lead. . . Spirituality is essentially the establishing of right human relations, the promotion of goodwill, and finally the establishing of a true peace on earth, as the result of these two expressions of divinity. p. 168/9 *[[Unity]], [[peace]] and [[security]] will come through the recognition—intelligently assessed—of the evils which have led to the present world situation, and then through the taking of those [[wise]], [[compassionate]] and understanding steps which will lead to the establishing of right human relations, to the substitution of [[cooperation]] for the present competitive system, and by the education of the masses in every land as to the nature of true [[goodwill]] and its hitherto unused potency. *What at this moment appears to prevent world unity... ? The answer is not hard to find and involves all nations: [[nationalism]], [[capitalism]], [[competition]], blind stupid [[greed]].The mass of men need arousing to see that good comes to all men alike and not just to a few privileged groups, and to learn also that "hatred ceases not by hatred but that hatred ceases by love". This love is not a sentiment, but practical goodwill, expressing itself through individuals, in communities and among nations. *The world economic council (or whatever body represents the resources of the world) must free itself from fraudulent politics, capitalistic influence and its devious scheming; it must set the resources of the earth free for the use of humanity. This will be a lengthy task but it will be possible when world need is better appreciated. An enlightened public opinion will make the decisions of the economic council practical and possible. Sharing and cooperation must be taught instead of greed and competition. *The true problem of the [[United Nations]] is a twofold one: it involves the right distribution of the world's resources so that there may be freedom from want, and it involves also the bringing about of a true [[equality]] of opportunity and of education for all men everywhere. The nations which have a wealth of resources are not owners; they are custodians of the world's riches and hold them in trust for their fellowmen. The time will inevitably come when—in the interest of peace and security—the [[capitalists]] in the various nations will be forced to realize this and will also be forced to substitute the principle of [[sharing]] for the ancient principle (which has hitherto governed them) of [[Greed|greedy grabbing]]. *There was a time—a hundred years or more ago—when a just distribution of the world's wealth would have been impossible. That is not true today. Statistics exist; computations have been made; investigation has penetrated into every field of the earth's resources and these investigations, computations and statistics have been published and are available to the public. The men in power in every nation know well exactly what food, minerals, oil and other necessities are available for worldwide use upon just and equitable lines. But these commodities are reserved by the nations involved as "talking and bargaining points". The problem of distribution is no longer difficult once the food of the world is freed from [[politics]] and from [[capitalism]]... *None of this will, however, take place until the United Nations begin to talk in terms of humanity as a whole and not in terms of boundaries, of technical objectives and fears, in terms of the bargaining value of oil, as in the Near East, or in the language of mistrust and suspicion. Russia distrusts the [[capitalism]] of the United States and—to a lesser degree—that of Great Britain; South America is rapidly learning to mistrust the United States on the ground of [[imperialism]]; both Great Britain and the United States mistrust Russia, on the basis of her spoken word, her use of the veto and her ignorance of western [[idealism]]. [[File:Paris (75017) Notre-Dame-de-Compassion Chapelle royale Saint-Ferdinand Vitrail 35.JPG|thumb|Arrest each unloving thought; stamp out each critical action, and teach yourself to love all beings - not in theory but in deed and in truth.]] ===''Discipleship in the New Age, Vol. I'' (1944) === *This book is in many ways unique. Nothing like it has before been published, as far as I know. It contains two series of talks by one of the Masters of the Wisdom to some members of His inner group, and also a series of personal instructions, given by Him to a group of His disciples. Many of these people were unknown to me when they were brought to my notice; some of them I have since met; others I have never met; some I knew well and could understand why they had been chosen, knowing that their dedication to the life of the spirit and their love of humanity warranted the choice; one or two were regarded by me as most unsuitable choices but later I altered my point of view and recognised that a wiser mind than mine was responsible for their inclusion in the Ashram. I learnt also that ancient relationships, established in other lives, were also conditioning factors and that some had earned the right to inclusion, even if their spiritual attainments seemed inadequate to the onlooker. **Foreword *Certain definite reasons have prompted me to make these instructions available for aspirants everywhere after requesting permission from those who received them. One is the need to bring to the attention of the general public the fact that the Hierarchy exists, that its Members are interested in human progress and that there is a definitely planned system of training offered by Them which can lead a man out of the human kingdom into the Kingdom of God; that this moving forward upon the Path of Evolution out of the fourth kingdom into the fifth can be brought about consciously, scientifically and with the full consent and cooperation of the aspirant. The day has now come when belief can (and does) give place to knowledge—a knowledge gained through the acceptance of a hypothesis in the first place, a conviction that this hypothesis is backed by adequate testimony and planned experience. The reasoning mind of the disciple can then take the successes and failures he encounters in his training and learn the intended lessons; he finds that progress upon the Path brings a man into closer, conscious touch with Those Who have walked this Way before and that the Way into the Hierarchy is a way of discipline, of increasing enlightenment, of service to his fellowmen and of a growing responsiveness to contacts and to individuals of which the average human being knows nothing. **Foreword *Arrest each unloving thought; stamp out each critical action, and teach yourself to love all beings - not in theory but in deed and in truth. ** p. 475 *For you the group [[meditation]] is essential; it will serve to aid your soul in its life task and to integrate you into the second [[W:Seven rays|ray]] sphere of influence, which will be of real use. My brother, we travel not alone. For you, again, group love, group understanding, group happiness and group work are essential to progress, real happiness and good physical health. In group work and contact comes relief from inner tension, through the sharing of force. You...carry much force. Disperse it among your brothers. *Will you also take ''the Rules of the Road''... and study them. They have helped many people. <BR>'''The Rules of the Road''' #The Road is trodden in the full light of day, thrown upon the Path by Those Who know and lead. Naught can then be hidden, and at each turn upon that Road a man must face himself. #Upon the Road the hidden stands revealed. Each sees and knows the villainy of each. And yet there is, with that great revelation, no turning back, no spurning of each other, no shakiness upon the Road. The Road goes forward into day. #Upon that Road one wanders not alone. There is no rush, no hurry. And yet there is no time to lose. Each pilgrim, knowing this, presses his footsteps forward, and finds himself surrounded by his fellowmen. Some move ahead; he follows after. Some move behind; he sets the pace. He travels not alone. #Three things the Pilgrim must avoid. The wearing of a hood, a veil which hides his face from others; the carrying of a water pot which only holds enough for his own wants; the shouldering of a staff without a crook to hold. #Each Pilgrim on the Road must carry with him what he needs: a pot of fire, to warm his fellowmen; a lamp, to cast its rays upon his heart and show his fellowmen the nature of his hidden life; a purse of gold, which he scatters not upon the Road, but shares with others; a sealed vase, wherein he carries all his aspiration to cast before the feet of Him Who waits to greet him at the gate — a sealed vase. #The Pilgrim, as he walks upon the Road, must have the open ear, the giving hand, the silent tongue, the chastened heart, the golden voice, the rapid foot, and the open eye which sees the light. He knows he travels not alone. :*p. 584 (January 1938) *In closing, I would like to thank all these disciples who have so kindly placed their personal instructions at my disposal in an effort to be of service to the coming generation of disciples. In many cases, they helped prepare them for the press. I would like also to thank those who helped me to get the text ready for publication, particularly Joseph Lovejoy who gave days of labour to the book; he has for years helped me prepare the Tibetan's books for publication. *I hope all who read this book will receive the inspiration that we who have prepared it have received; I hope also that their confidence in the Hierarchy and in the existence of Christ and His Disciples, the Masters, may receive such an impetus that many more will attempt to tread the Way and join the great number of aspirants in every country who are seeking to tread the Path by becoming the Path Itself. ===''The Destiny of Nations'' (1949) === <small> ([https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/obooks_the_destiny_the_nations Full Text online])</small> *It is of major interest for us to know something about the energies and forces which are producing the present international situation and presenting the complex problems with which the United Nations are confronted. In the last analysis, all history is the record of the effects of these [[w:Seven rays|energies or radiations (rays]], in other words) as they play upon humanity in its many varying stages of evolutionary development. These stages extend all the way from those of primeval humanity to our modern civilisation; all that has happened is the result of these energies, pouring cyclically through nature and through that part of nature which we call the human kingdom. [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/obooks_the_destiny_the_nations/introduction_obooks Introduction] *To understand what is today taking place we must recognise that these energies are seven in number. They are called by many names in many different lands, but for our purposes the following seven names will be used: 1. The energy of Will, Purpose or Power, called in Christian lands the energy of the Will of God. 2. The energy of Love-Wisdom, called frequently the Love of God. 3. The energy of Active Intelligence, called the Mind of God. 4. The energy of Harmony through Conflict, affecting greatly the human family. 5. The energy of Concrete Knowledge or Science, so potent at this time. 6. The energy of Devotion or Idealism, producing the current ideologies. 7. The energy of Ceremonial Order, producing the new forms of civilisation.<BR>These energies are ceaselessly playing on humanity, producing changes, expressing themselves through successive civilisations and cultures, and fashioning the many races and nations. Intro. p. 4 *The Influence of the [[W:Seven rays|Rays]] Today. First: The most obvious and powerful force in the world today is that of the first Ray of Will and Power. It works out in two ways: 1. As the will of God in world affairs, which is ever the will-to-good. Steadily — if you study human history intelligently — you will see that there has been a regular and rhythmic progression toward unity and synthesis in all departments of human affairs. This unity in multiplicity is the Eternal Plan — a unity in consciousness, a multiplicity in form. 2. As the destructive element in world affairs. This refers to man's use of this force of will which is seldom as yet the will-to-good in active expression, but something which leads to self-assertion (of the individual or the nation) and to war with its accompaniments — separation, selfish diplomacy, hate and armaments, disease and death.<BR>This is the force which pours into the world from the major world centre, Shamballa. Little is known of Shamballa. More will be known as you study... Chapter 1, p. 13 *The Nations and the [[W:Seven rays|Rays]] . In connection with this discussion which governs and influences the leading nations of the world, the student should bear in mind the fact that all are today primarily conditioned by the Law of Cleavages; however, advanced groups in every nation are beginning to respond to the Law of Understanding. This is a law which will eventually emphasise the eternal brotherhood of man and the identity of all souls with the Oversoul. This will be recognised in the racial consciousness, as well as the oneness of the Life which pours through, permeates, animates and integrates the entire solar system. This Life functions in and through all planetary schemes, in all their kingdoms of forms and with all that can be included under the phrase "form life." That phrase contains three basic ideas: the ideas of life, of form and of evolution. Chapter 2, p. 48 *The horoscope of a country can, therefore, be either that of the soul of the nation or of the personality of the nation, based on the form aspect; there are no means, as yet, of determining the date, for instance, of the birth of a nation or of a race. Boundaries are not determining factors nor is history itself, as now given, an adequate guide. As said above, some nations are entities and demonstrably so, as, for instance, France or Japan; others have been great and powerful nations but are so no longer, but the strain is there, and of these, India and the Jewish race are illustrations. Other nations are, relatively speaking, very modern, as for instance the German nation, yet the strain is very ancient. Ch 4. An Analysis of Certain Countries *France is a Pisces-Leo country, and is expressive egoically of the fifth [[W:Seven rays|ray]] of Concrete Knowledge or Science and the personality Ray of Active Intelligence. The soul of France, subjectively ruled Europe for the most important and influential part of the Piscean Age, now passing out; she coloured and dominated, by her Leo personality, a large part of the happenings in Europe during the Middle Ages and for centuries; she mediated the Piscean quality to the civilisation of the then known world and her definitely Leo personality — self-conscious, self-centred, brilliantly intelligent and individual — conditioned Europe. Ch 4. An Analysis of Certain Countries p. 73 *Germany is ruled by Aries, bringing in the powerful influences of this first sign in combination with its fourth [[W:Seven rays|ray]] soul (the Ray of Harmony through Conflict). The simple interpretation of this is that we are watching the beginning of a new phase and cycle in the history of the country which emerges into prominence through conflict but which is essentially a process of releasing the soul to fuller expression. **Ch 4. An Analysis of Certain Countries p. 77 *In considering Great Britain, we note first that the ruling sign is Gemini from the standpoint of the soul of the people, and that Taurus governs the material outer form of the nation; it is this factor that has led her people to appear before the world under the symbol of John Bull, expressive of the British personality... I am dealing with the empire as a whole and not with a fraction of it. It is the Gemini influence that has led to the constant movement and restlessness of the British people; which has led them to cross and recross the ocean and to stage a constant going out to the very ends of the earth, to return ever again to the centre from which they came. This is characteristic of the race. It is the Gemini influence which has produced — viewing the [81] work of the nation from the personality or lower angle — the secret and oft devious diplomacy and subtlety which has in the past distinguished Great Britain's political activity. Ch 4. An Analysis of Certain Countries p. 81 *The United States of America... is ruled by Gemini, linking it therefore closely with Great Britain and also by Aquarius as the ruler of its soul [[W:Seven rays|ray]]. This combination of a sixth ray personality, ruled by Gemini, and a second ray soul (as has Great Britain), ruled by Aquarius, is potent for future power and usefulness. The capital city, Washington, is ruled by Cancer and Sagittarius, and it is this fact which leads the United States to act like the Crab (Cancer) and be pre-occupied with its own house which it carries on its back and to vanish into hiding at the first signs of trouble. Because also the Sagittarian influence is strong, there is a potent determination to stick one-pointedly to any decision made. This its sixth ray personality enforces at times almost to the point of a fanatical blindness and to the detriment of the long range vision which is needed at such times as these... Like Russia, this country is in the making and — as I have told you elsewhere — as the nation's power shifts, as it will and as it now really is shifting from Washington to New York, the Cancerian influence will steadily lessen and the country will take its place as an adult among the nations. Its Gemini nature and its Aquarian soul should (when developed and balanced) provide a most remarkable channel for human expression. Ch 4. An Analysis of Certain Countries p. 89 *Thus the influences pouring into the United States today are very many; they relate the country practically to every country in Europe; this leads at times to chaotic conditions and to much confusion of thought. Yet it produces a richness in the national life which is a good augury for the future. A study of what I have said and a consideration of the various tabulations will prove how utterly impossible it is for the American people to dissociate themselves from Europe and the rest of the world. Ch 4. An Analysis of Certain Countries p. 93 *One point I would like here to bring to your attention and that is that the two great groups of divine agents — the Great White Brotherhood and the Lodge of Materialistic Forces — are both of them seeking to divert these energies into channels which will further the ends for which they work and for which they were formed and exist. Therefore, I would ask you to remember that behind all the outer events are these two directing agencies. You have, as a consequence: Two groups of advanced Minds, both equally illumined by the light of the intellect, and both of them formulating clearly their objectives, but differing in their direction and their emphasis. One group, under the divine plan, works with the form aspect entirely, and in this group the light of love and of selflessness is absent. The other group is working entirely with the soul or the consciousness aspect, and in this group the doctrine of the heart and the law of love control. In this connection, the two groups are working in opposition, therefore, upon the mental plane. Ch 6. Spiritual life in the New Age p. 108 *The plans, which embody these two differing ideals and objectives, are carried down on to the astral plane, and thus into the world of desire. The lines of demarcation remain ever entirely clear as far as the workers in these two groups are concerned, but are not so clear where ordinary human beings and the world disciples and initiates are concerned. There is much chaos on the plane of desire, and the world Arjuna is today sitting in bewilderment between the two opposing forces or camps, recognising his relationship both to form and to [108] soul and at the same time wondering where his duty lies. His point in evolution determines his problem. Thus the two groups are working in opposition upon the plane of desire. *The materialising of the plans of these two groups of illumined minds proceeds steadily under the differing laws of their being — the laws of form life and the laws of spiritual living. In this initial stage and whilst the battle is being fought out in the realm of desire (for that is where the major conflict is being waged, and all that is happening upon the physical plane is only a reflection of an inner conflict) the forces of these two groups, working with the energies of the sixth and seventh [[W:Seven rays|rays]], have brought about in the field of physical living, a state of complete cataclysm. The economic situation and the religious hatreds are the two major instruments. This is a subject upon which you would do well to ponder. *Consequently, you have two groups, two objectives, two great formulated ideals, two streams of active energy and two [[W:Seven rays|rays]] predominantly in conflict, thus producing the differing ideologies. The result of this dualism is the external chaos, the differentiation of the two group ideals into the many human experiments, and the resultant ranging of the entire human family under many banners, which testify to the various viewpoints in the many fields of thought — political, religious, economic, social, educational and philosophical. The result of all this conflict is, I would tell you, definitely good, and it demonstrates the steady achievement of the Great White Lodge. Ch 6. Spiritual life in the New Age p. 109 *The consciousness of humanity has been definitely expanded and the whole world of men at this time is thinking. This is a totally new phenomenon and a fresh experience in the life of the human soul. The first result of all the turmoil has been to shift the focus of human attention on to the mental plane and thereby nearer to the sources of light and love. Ch 6. Spiritual life in the New Age p. 109-110 *In the [[Aquarian Age]], the Risen Christ is Himself the Water-Carrier; He will not this time demonstrate the perfected life of a Son of God, which was His main mission before; He will appear as the supreme Head of the Spiritual Hierarchy, meeting the need of the thirsty nations of the world — thirsty for truth, for right human relations and for loving understanding. He will be recognised this time by all and in His Own Person will testify [151] to the fact of the resurrection, and hence demonstrate the paralleling fact of the immortality of the soul, of the spiritual man. The emphasis during the past two thousand years has been on death; it has coloured all the teaching of the orthodox churches; only one day in the year has been dedicated to the thought of the resurrection. The emphasis in the Aquarian Age will be on life and freedom from the tomb of matter, and this is the note which will distinguish the new world religion from all that have preceded it. Ch. 8. Christ and the Coming New Age, p. 151 ===''Discipleship in the New Age, Volume II'' (1955) === <small> ([https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/discipleship_in_the_new_age_vol_ii_obooks Full Text online])</small> *My Brother: May I say that when I am able to start my instruction to this New Seed Group with the words "My Brothers," you will then know that an adequate measure of group-integration has been achieved and that the real group work can begin. I have earlier stated the wider and more important objectives i* which are, as you saw, entirely impersonal. I would commit this particular objective to your intelligent consideration. I would have you begin your new work with this objective and goal in your defined consciousness. I therefore stated the objective clearly, so that your minds may be tuned to mine—as far as that may be practically possible. Let your horizon be wide, my brother, and your humility great. I am here speaking individually to you, for you are as yet (the majority of you) individually polarised and the group polarisation lies ahead. **Introductory comments *The times are serious and the world disciples are hard pressed. The Hierarchy and its affiliated groups are seeking active help and cooperation in the work of salvage. All disciples and aspirants are needed, and all can give much if the desire, the loving heart and the consecrated mind are united in service. I ask aid in the task of reconstruction. I ask for your consecrated help. I ask you to discipline yourselves anew, to hold back nothing, either objective or subjective. I ask for your wholehearted cooperation in the work of world salvage. **p. 13 *I would like to start off this instruction with the simple statement as to the task which all disciples of the Masters throughout the world are engaged in undertaking and which you also should consciously consider. It is the task of confronting the Dweller on the Threshold in your own life and also in the group life, and then—from that vantage point of strength—face that Dweller on behalf of humanity and thus aid humanity to vanquish this ancient evil. To do this presupposes crisis in your life and in the life of humanity. The handling of crises is the hallmark of the disciple, and every crisis met and rightly handled provides (once the difficulty is occultly "under the feet") the place from which an extended vision can be gained, fresh knowledge can flow in and the transmuting light can shine from the Angel of the Presence and thus produce results. **p. 14 *I have already given you more than you can understand, but not more than you can begin slowly to study and eventually to comprehend... **p. 366 === ''The Reappearance of the Christ'' (1948) === *See [[The Reappearance of the Christ|Separate page for this book]] === ''The Destiny of Nations'' (1949) === <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/obooks_the_destiny_the_nations (Full text online)]</small> *It is of major interest for us to know something about the energies and forces which are producing the present international situation and presenting the complex problems with which the United Nations are confronted. In the last analysis, all history is the record of the effects of these energies or radiations ([[W:Seven rays|rays]], in other words) as they play upon humanity in its many varying stages of evolutionary development. These stages extend all the way from those of primeval humanity to our modern civilisation; all that has happened is the result of these energies... p.4 *It is in this realm of ideas that humanity is not a free agent. . . . Once an [[idea]] becomes an [[ideal]], humanity can freely reject or accept it, but ideas come from a higher source and are imposed... whether men want them or not. Upon the use made of these ideas (which are in the nature of divine emanations, embodying the divine plan for planetary progress) will depend the rapidity of humanity's progress, or its retardation for lack of understanding. p. 8 *Be of good cheer, for there is no true defeat of the human spirit. . . There is no power on Earth which can prevent the advance of man towards his destined goal, and no combination of powers can hold him back. Today that combination is active - a combination of ancient evil and modern aggressive selfishness, released through a group of unscrupulous and ambitious men in every country. They will not finally succeed. They may (but) delay and hinder the emergence of freedom. p. 106 *He (the Risen Christ) will not this time demonstrate the perfected life of a Son of God, which was His main mission before; He will appear as the supreme Head of the Spiritual Hierarchy, meeting the need of the thirsty nations of the world – thirsty for truth, for right human relations, and for loving understanding. He will be recognised this time by all, and in His Own Person testify to the fact of the resurrection, and hence demonstrate the paralleling fact of the immortality of the soul, of the spiritual man. The emphasis during the past two thousand years has been on death; it has coloured all the teaching of the orthodox churches; only one day in the year has been dedicated to the thought of the resurrection. p. 151 *When He comes Whom angels and men await, and Whose work it is to inaugurate the [[Age of Aquarius|New Age]] and so complete the work He began in Palestine two thousand years ago, He will bring with Him some of the great Angels, as well as certain of the Masters. p. 508 ===''Glamour: A World Problem'' (1950)=== <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/glamour_world_problem (full text online)]</small> *Preliminary Clarifications: All groups involved in esoteric work have their own dharma or duty and all have their peculiar objective. In order that you may clearly vision what you, as aspirants to discipleship have to do, and so intelligently cooperate, I will concisely state the purpose: Dharma means duty, or obligation, and it is your definite and specific obligation to develop the intuition. The means or methods whereby this development is to be brought about, can be by the study of symbols. *I would ask you to note that generalities concerning the intuition, and attempts to define it are very common, but that a real appreciation of it is rare. *We are told by physicians and scientists that thousands of cells in the human brain are still dormant and, consequently, that the average human being uses only a small part of his equipment. The area of the brain which is found around the pineal gland is that connected with the intuition, and it is these cells which must be roused into activity before there can be any real intuitive perception which, when aroused, will manifest soul control, spiritual illumination, true psychological understanding of one's fellowmen, and a development of the true esoteric sense, which is the objective before you at this time. p.2 *The intuition is not a welling forth of love to people and, therefore, an understanding of them. Much that is called the intuition is recognition of similarities and the possession of a clear analytical mind. Intelligent people who have lived in the world for some time and who have experienced much and who have contacted many other people can usually sum up with facility the problems and dispositions of others, provided they are interested. This they must not, however, confound with the intuition. *Intuition is a comprehensive grip of the principle of universality, and when it is functioning there is, momentarily at least, a complete loss of the sense of separateness. At its highest point, it is known as that Universal Love which has no relation to sentiment or to the affectional reaction but is, predominantly, in the nature of an identification with all beings. Then is true compassion known; then does criticism become impossible; then, only, is the divine germ seen as latent in all forms. *Intuition is light itself, and when it is functioning, the world is seen as light and the light bodies of all forms become gradually apparent. This brings with it the ability to contact the light centre in all forms, and thus again an essential relationship is established and the sense of superiority and separateness recedes into the background. *There are many ways in which the intuition can be drawn into activity, and one of the most useful and potent is the study and interpretation of symbols. Symbols are the outer and visible forms of the inner spiritual realities, and when facility in discovering the reality behind any specific form has been gained, that very fact will indicate the awakening of the intuition. *The Nature of Glamor *1. Illusion is primarily of a mental quality and was characteristic of the attitude of mind of those people who are more intellectual than emotional. They have outgrown glamour as usually understood. It is the misunderstanding of ideas and thoughtforms of which they are guilty, and of misinterpretations. *2. Glamour is astral in character, and is far more potent at this time than illusion, owing to the enormous majority of people who function astrally always. *3. Maya is vital in character and is a quality of force. It is essentially the energy of the human being as it swings into activity through the subjective influence of the mental illusion or astral glamour or of both in combination. *The time has not yet come for dealing with the world illusion on a large scale, for the race is not adequately mental nor has the illusion (which is, as I have stated, pre-eminently the result of the misinterpretation of ideas) reached its height. But the hour has struck for the first steps to be taken in the dissipation of glamour, and the hold of glamour upon the race should be appreciably lessened in the future. Hence the practical training now being given in this group in their own lives; hence also the intended teaching later to be given to the group—if they measure up to the opportunity—which will enable them to aid in the concerted and planned attack upon the world glamour. Wrestle therefore with your personal problems along these lines, my brothers, for in this way you will gain facility in discernment, in clear precise action, and in strengthened understanding. *In the process of dissipating glamour, the way of the greatest potency is to realise the necessity to act purely as a channel for the energy of the soul. If the disciple can make right alignment and consequent contact with his soul, the results show as increased light. This light pours down and irradiates not only the mind, but the brain consciousness as well. He sees the situation more clearly: he realises the facts of the case as against his "vain imaginings"; and so the "light shines upon his way." He is not yet able to see truly in the larger sweeps of consciousness; the group glamour and, of course, the world glamour remain to him as yet a binding and bewildering mystery, but his own immediate way begins to clear, and he stands relatively free from the fog of his ancient and distorting emotional miasmas. Alignment, contact with his soul, and then steadfastness, are the keynotes to success. ====The Six Rules of the Path (Rules of the Road)==== *I. The Road is trodden in the full light of day, thrown upon the Path by Those Who know and lead. Naught can then be hidden, and at each turn, a man must face himself. *II. Upon the Road the hidden stands revealed. Each sees and knows the villainy of each. (I can find no other word, my brother, to translate the ancient word which designates the unrevealed stupidity, the vileness and crass ignorance, and the self-interest which are distinguishing characteristics of the average aspirant.) And yet there is, with that great revelation, no turning back, no spurning of each other, and no shakiness upon the Road. The Road goes forward into day. *III. Upon that Road one wanders not alone. There is no rush, no hurry. And yet there is no time to lose. Each Pilgrim, knowing this, presses his footsteps forward, and finds himself surrounded by his fellowmen. Some move ahead; he follows after. Some move behind; he sets the pace. He travels not alone. *IV. Three things the Pilgrim must avoid. The wearing of a hood, the veil which hides his face from others; the carrying of a water pot which only holds enough for his own wants; the shouldering of a staff without a crook to hold. === ''The Unfinished Autobiography'' (1951) === <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_unfinished_autobiography_obooks (full text online)]</small> * One of the things that I seek to bring out in this story is the fact of this inner direction of world affairs and to familiarise more people with the paralleling fact of the existence of Those Who are responsible (behind the scenes) for the spiritual guidance of humanity... ** The Introduction * I do not care if people agree or disagree with my particular brand of knowledge or formulation of truth (for we all must have that for ourselves) but they are impossible to help if completely satisfied with their own. To me, the ultimate hell (if there is a hell, which I very much doubt) would be a state of complete satisfaction with one's own viewpoint and therefore such a static condition that all evolution in thought and all progress would be permanently arrested. ** Chapter II, Part 1 * Some day we shall all be free. Racial hatred will die out; citizenship will be important but humanity as a whole much more so.  Boundaries and territories will assume their rightful place in man's thinking, but goodwill and international understanding will matter more.  Religious differences and sectarian dislikes must eventually vanish... ** Chapter II, Part 1 * I had been a [[vegetarian]] ever since coming across the [[Theosophy|Theosophical]] teaching. My children had never tasted meat or chicken or fish and I suffered from the normal superiority complex which is often an outstanding characteristic of a vegetarian.... I have definitely come to the conclusion that it is better to eat beefsteak and have a kind tongue than to be a strict vegetarian and, from a pedestal of [[superiority]], look down upon this world. Again, I would point out that generalisations are inexact. I have known many vegetarians who were lovely and sweet and kind and good. **Chapter IV - Part 1 * The thing we have to develop in the world today is the world citizen and bring to an end this crude [[nationalism]] which has been the source of so much world hate. ** Chapter 6 ===''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 1: Esoteric Psychology'' (1936)=== *The young forget, and rightly forget, the inevitability of that final symbolic detachment which we call Death. But when life has played its part, and age has taken its toll of interests and strength, the tired and world-weary man has no fear of the detaching process, and seeks not to hold on to that which earlier was desired. He welcomes death, and relinquishes willingly that which earlier engrossed his attention. p. 76 *Death, as the human consciousness understands it, pain and sorrow, loss and disaster, joy and distress, are only such because man, as yet, identifies himself with the life of the form and not with the life and consciousness of the soul...p. 76 *Later, when the [human] race sees its problem with clarity, it will act with wisdom, and train with care its Observers and Communicators. These will be men and women in whom the intuition has awakened at the behest of an urgent intellect; they will be people whose minds are so subordinated to the group good, and so free from all sense of separativeness, that their minds present no impediment to the contact with the world of reality and of inner truth. They will not necessarily be people who could be termed "religious" in the ordinary sense of that word, but they will be men of goodwill, of high mental calibre, with minds well stocked and equipped; they will be free from personal ambition and selfishness, animated by love of humanity, and by a desire to help the race. Such a man is a spiritual man. p. 181 *In every country in the world today, men of goodwill and of true understanding are to be found... How can a true prosperity be established, which shall be the result of unity, peace and plenty?<BR>Only in one way. By the united action of the men and women of goodwill and understanding, in every country and in every nation. Steadily and quietly, with no sense of hurry, must they do three things: <BR>First, they must discover each other and be in touch with each other. Thus the sense of weakness and of futility will be offset. This is the first duty and task of the New Group of World Servers.<BR>Secondly, they must clarify and elucidate those basic principles of right living, goodwill and harmony, which are recognised, but not supplied, by all right thinking people today. These principles must be formulated in the simplest terms and made practical action.<BR>Thirdly, the general public must be educated in these principles. Steadily, regularly and systematically, they must be taught the principles of brotherhood, of an internationalism which is based on goodwill and love of all men, of religious unity, and of co-operative interdependence. The individual in every nation and group, must be taught to play his important part with goodwill and understanding; the group must shoulder its responsibility to other groups; and the responsibility of nation to nation, and of all nations to the world of nations, must be explained and emphasised. p. 136 ===''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 2: Esoteric Psychology II.'' 1942=== *I. The Growth of Soul Influence - Part 1 *Before taking up our subject as outlined at the close of the previous volume, I would like to speak a word as to the symbolism we will employ in discussing egoic and personality control. All that is said in this connection is in an attempt to define and consider that which is really undefinable and which is so elusive and subtle that though we may call it energy or force, those words ill convey the true idea. We must, therefore, bear in mind that, as we read and consider this treatise on psychology, we are talking in symbols. This is necessarily so, for we are dealing with the expression of divinity in time and space, and until man is consciously aware of his divinity and demonstrating it, it is not possible to do more than speak in parable and metaphor with symbolic intent — to be ascertained through the medium of the mystical perception and the wisdom of the enlightened man. *As is often glibly said with little real understanding of the significance of the words used, we are dealing with forces and energies. *The unfoldment of the human consciousness is signalised sequentially by the recognition of life after life, of being after being, and the realisation that these lives are in themselves the sum total of all the potencies and energies whose will is to create and to manifest. p. 5 ===''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 3: Esoteric Astrology'' (1951)=== *Shirk not these crises, hard and difficult though they may appear to be. Difficult they are. Forget not that the habit of confronting crises, is a long-established one within the consciousness of humanity. Man has the "habit of crisis", if I may so call it. They are only the points of examination as to the strength, purpose, purity and motive and the intent of the soul. They evoke confidence when surmounted, and produce greatly expanded vision. They foster compassion and understanding, for the pain and inner conflict they have engendered is never forgotten, for they draw upon the resources of the heart. They release the light of wisdom within the field of knowledge, and the world is thereby enriched. p. 477 *I cannot too strongly repeat, that esoteric astrology is entirely concerned with the forces and energies which affect the consciousness aspect of the human being, and condition the personality life. This is the point which must be considered above all else. In other words, esoteric astrology is concerned with the soul, and not with the form and, therefore, all that I have to say refers to consciousness, to its expansion, to its effect upon its vehicles, the form, and – in the last analysis (as will be later established) – with the Science of Initiation. p. 484 [[File:Rembrandt - Christ with Hands Folded 1971.37.jpg|thumb|People have little idea how much - objectively speaking - they increase the potency of the disease by the constantly directed thought which they expend upon it, and by the attention they pay to that area wherein the trouble is located. ]] ===''A Treatise on the Seven Rays: Volume 4: Esoteric Healing'' (1953)=== * The basic law underlying all [[occult]] healing, may be stated to be as follows: Law I: All disease is the result of inhibited soul life, and that is true of all forms in all kingdoms. The art of the healer consists in releasing the soul, so that its life can flow through the aggregate of organisms which constitute any particular form. It is interesting to note that the attempt of the scientist to release the energy of the atom, is of the same general nature as the work of the esotericist when he endeavours to release the energy of the soul. In this release the nature of the true art of healing is hidden. Herein lies an occult hint. p. 5 *One of the things which should definitely emerge in our studies is the fact that disease is seldom of individual origin, unless a man misspends his life and definitely misuses his body (through drink or sexual dissipation)... p. 32 *What is Disease? I suggest the following:<br>1. All disease is disharmony and lack of alignment and control. a. Disease is found in all the four kingdoms in nature. b. Disease is purificatory in effect. c. Definite methods of healing are peculiar to humanity, and mental in origin.<br>2. Disease is a fact in nature. a. Antagonism to disease simply energises it. b. Disease is not the result of wrong human thought.<BR>3. Disease is a process of liberation and the enemy of that which is static.<BR>4. The law of cause and effect governs disease as it governs all else in manifestation. <br>We found also that healing is brought about in three ways: <br>1. Through the application of the methods of the many schools of medicine and surgery, and allied groups.<br>2. Through the use of psychology.<BR>3. Through the activity of the soul. I have also stated that the major causes of disease are three in number: they are psychological in nature; they are inherited through group contact; and they are karmic. p. 33 * I have so emphatically impressed the need of harmlessness upon all of you, for it is the scientific method, par excellence, and esoterically speaking, of cleaning house, and of purifying the centres. Its practice clears the clogged channels and permits the entrance of the higher energies. p. 40 '''Cremation''' * It is a fortunate and happy thing that '''cremation''' is becoming increasingly the rule. Before so very long, burial in the ground will be against the law, and cremation will be enforced, and this as a health and sanitation measure. Those unhealthy, psychic spots, called cemeteries, will eventually disappear, just as ancestor worship is passing out, both in the Orient – with its ancestor cults – and in the Occident – with its equally foolish cult of hereditary position. p. 55 * These taints to which humanity is prone, are found in the soil, and their presence there is largely due to burial, down the ages, of millions of corpses. By the increased use of the processes of cremation, this condition will be steadily improved. Gradually, very gradually, the taint will thus die out... As the soil becomes less tainted... we can hope to see a steady decrease in the number of those who succumb to the inherited taints. p. 61/2 * Much good will be brought about through the growing custom to cremate those forms which the indwelling life has vacated; when it is an universal custom, we shall see a definite minimising of disease, leading to longevity and increased vitality. p. 249 [[File:Pashupatinath Temple cremations on the Bagmati River.jpg|thumb|It is a fortunate and happy thing that '''cremation''' is becoming increasingly the rule. Before so very long, burial in the ground will be against the law, and cremation will be enforced, and this as a health and sanitation measure. ]] '''On the Cure of Cancer''' *In all disease of malignant nature, there is a vital core or a living spot of energy which is absorbing, slowly or quickly, as the case may be, the life force in the man. In the early stages of such a disease as cancer, the vital core is not found until the malignant condition is established so potently that it is exceedingly difficult to do anything helpful. Yet the cure is only possible in these early developments and then the cure can be effected, but only again if the will of the patient is invoked. Little can be done in cancer cases unless there is the intelligent cooperation of the one to be healed, for the only method (which I may later elaborate) is to blend the directed will of the patient and of the healing group together into one functioning unit of force. When this has been done, then the invoked and concentrated energy will follow thought, under the ancient law, and so stimulate the area surrounding the cancer (that is, the healthy tissue) that the absorption of the weakened, diseased tissue by the stronger tissue can take place. If the energy is directed to the cancer itself, the cancerous condition will be stimulated and the trouble many times increased. p. 315 *The curing of cancer in the early stages falls therefore into two parts: 1. The stimulating of the healthy tissue. 2. The building in of new tissue to replace the diseased tissue which is being gradually absorbed and driven out. [[File:Lavery On the beach.jpg|thumb|...principal factors that can be complied with in order to build a strong healthy vital body?...The principal factors... 1. Sunshine. 2. Careful diet, with the emphasis upon the proteins and vitamins. 3. The avoidance of fatigue and worry. p. 327]] '''On Euthanasia''' *Some students are concerned over the organised effort to legalise euthanasia, and wonder about the placing of power of life and death in the hands of the physician. At the same time, they are aware that there is involved also the humane factor, in cases where no surcease can be given to prolonged suffering. To them I would say: The problem which a consideration of the proposed practice of euthanasia involves will not exist when continuity of consciousness (which negates death) is achieved. That means that the time will come... when the soul will know that its term of physical life is over and will prepare itself to withdraw, in full consciousness, from the form. It will know that the service of the form is no longer required and that it must be discarded. It will know that its sense of awareness, being focussed in the mind nature, is strong enough and vital enough to carry it through the process and the episode of abstraction. When that consciousness has been developed in man, and the process has come to be recognised by the medical profession and the scientific students of the human mechanism, then the whole attitude to death and its processes, involving as they do pain and suffering, will be altered materially. Then the man whose time has come to die may avail himself of certain methods of release which, from the average point of view, might be regarded as involving euthanasia. Modes of abstraction will be studied and applied when death is near, and the process will be regarded as soul withdrawal, as a process of liberation and release. That time is not so far away as you might think. p. 319 *Today, grave dangers attend the process of hastening withdrawal, and the legal safeguards will require most careful working out, and even then grave and serious issues might develop. But some hastening of the processes of death is in order and must be worked out. Primarily, however, the will-to-die of the patient is not based at this time on knowledge and on mental polarisation, or upon an achieved continuity of consciousness, but on emotional reactions and a shrinking from pain and from fear. Where, however, there is terrible suffering and absolutely no hope of real help or of recovery, and where the patient is willing (or if too ill, the family is willing), then, under proper safeguards, something should be done. But this arranging of the time to go will not be based on emotion and upon compassion, but on the spiritual sciences and upon a right understanding of the spiritual possibilities of death. p. 320 '''On Germs''' *How inadequately do words meet the need of truth. We use the word "germ" to indicate the source of some disease or the origin of some form. We talk of a germ or seed of life; we refer to the germ of an idea; we indicate that intangible point of energy which results later in some kind of manifested form. It may be a thoughtform, a human being, or a disease, yet the same word has to suffice for all three. How oft have I told you that all is energy and there is naught else. A germ is a point of energy having within it certain living potentialities, causing certain effects upon the surrounding field of energy, and producing certain forms of expression which are recognisable upon the physical plane. But all that is referred to is, in the last analysis, some form of active energy that forms part of the energy available upon and within and around the planet Earth.<BR>In relation to disease, a germ still remains a point of energy, but it might be regarded as energy which is not functioning correctly in relation to the particular form which has become susceptible to its activity or aware of its presence.<BR>Germs are the first effect of an original cause. Some few form a part of the planetary evil, which means that they have a deep-seated and mental origin and one of such magnitude that the finite minds of men cannot yet grasp them... p. 321 '''Vaccines''' * Most of the objections [to vaccines]... are based unconsciously on a feeling that there should be higher methods of controlling diseases in man, than by injecting into the human body substance taken from the bodies of animals. That is most surely and definitely correct, and some day it will be demonstrated. Another reaction on their part is one of sensitive disgust, again largely unrecognised. A more vital objection should be based on the suffering entailed on the animals providing the vaccine and other substances. * The science of sanitation, the use of water, and the growing knowledge of hydrotherapy...The science of prevention... certain modes of procedure... whereby forces are correctly used, and certain destructive agencies are controlled and prevented from going the destructive way. * The science of inoculation is purely physical in origin, and concerns only the animal body. This latter science will shortly be superseded by a higher technique, but the time is not yet. p. 322/4 [[File:TIB-lhasa-anisangkhung-eing.jpg|thumb|As these erroneous ideas die out, the concept of hell will fade from man's recollection, and its place will be taken by an understanding of the law which makes each man work out his own salvation upon the physical plane, which leads him to right the wrongs which he may have perpetrated in his lives on Earth, and which enables him eventually to "clean his own slate". ]] '''On the Vital Body.''' *"What are the principal factors that can be complied with in order to build a strong healthy vital body?...The principal factors in re-establishing or making a better etheric control are: 1. Sunshine. 2. Careful diet, with the emphasis upon the proteins and vitamins. 3. The avoidance of fatigue and worry. p. 327 '''Death''' *The problem of death or the art of dying. This is something which all seriously ill people must inevitably face, and for which those in good health should prepare themselves, through correct thinking and sane anticipation. The morbid attitude of the majority of men to the subject of death, and their refusal to consider it when in good health, is something which must be altered and deliberately changed. Christ demonstrated to His disciples the correct attitude, when referring to His coming and immediate decease at the hand of His enemies; He chided them when they evidenced sorrow... The fear and the morbidness which the subject of death usually evokes, and the unwillingness to face it with understanding, are due to the emphasis which people lay upon the fact of the physical body, and the facility with which they identify themselves with it; it is based also upon an innate fear of loneliness, and the loss of the familiar. ... After death,,, the man finds on the other side of the veil those whom he knows, and who have been connected with him in physical plane life, and he is never alone as human beings understand loneliness; he is also conscious of those still in physical bodies; he can see them, he can tune in on their emotions, and also upon their thinking, for the physical brain, being non-existent, no longer acts as a deterrent. p. 391/3 '''Vegetarianism''' *No set diet could be entirely correct for a group of people on differing [[W:Seven rays|rays]], of different temperaments and equipment and at various ages. Individuals are every one of them unlike on some points; they require to find out what it is that they, as individuals, need, in what manner their bodily requirements can best be met, and what type of substances can enable them best to serve. Each person must find this out for himself. There is no group diet. <BR>No enforced elimination of meat is required or strict vegetarian diet compulsory. There are phases of life and sometimes entire incarnations wherein an aspirant subjects himself to a discipline of food, just as there may be other phases or an entire life wherein a strict celibacy is temporarily enforced. But there are other life cycles and incarnations wherein the disciple's interest and his service lie in other directions. There are later incarnations where there is no constant thought about the physical body, and a man works free of the diet complex and lives without concentration upon the form life, eating that food which is available and upon which he can best sustain his life efficiency. In preparation for certain [[Initiation (theosophy)|initiations]], a vegetable diet has in the past been deemed essential. But this may not always be the case... '''Hell''' *Another fear which induces mankind to regard death as a calamity, is one which theological religion has inculcated, particularly the Protestant fundamentalists, and the Roman Catholic Church - the fear of [[hell]], the imposition of penalties, usually out of all proportion to the errors of a life-time, and the terrors imposed by an angry God. To these man is told he will have to submit, and from them there is no escape, except through the [[vicarious atonement]]. There is, as you well know, no angry God, no hell, and no vicarious atonement. There is only a great principle of [[love]] animating the entire universe... As these erroneous ideas die out, the concept of hell will fade from man's recollection, and its place will be taken by an understanding of the law which makes each man work out his own salvation upon the physical plane, which leads him to right the wrongs which he may have perpetrated in his lives on Earth, and which enables him eventually to "clean his own slate". p. 393 === ''Education in the New Age'' (1954) === <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/education_in_the_new_age_obooks (Full text online)]</small> [[File:WorldMap-A_non-Frame.png|thumb|Young people in the future will be taught to think of themselves in relation to the group, to the family unit and to the nation in which their destiny has put them. They will also be taught to think in terms of world relationship and of their nation in relation to other nations.]] [[File:Shetland schoolchildren fiddlers age 9-13; 2004.jpg|thumb|One of our immediate educational objectives must be the elimination of the competitive spirit, and the substitution of the [[w:co-operative|co-operative]] [[w:consciousness|consciousness]].]] * The true [[education]] is consequently the [[science]] of linking up the integral parts of man, and also of linking him up in turn with his immediate environment, and then with the greater whole in which he has to play his part. Each aspect, regarded as a lower aspect, can ever be simply the expression of the next higher. p. 6 * Those upon the teaching [[W:Seven rays|Ray]] will learn to teach by teaching. There is no surer method, provided it is accompanied by a deep love, personal yet at the same time impersonal, for those who are to be taught. Above everything else, I would enjoin upon you the inculcation of the group spirit, for that is the first expression of true love. p. 14 *Modern education is beginning to give some attention to the nature of the mind and to the laws of thought. In this connection we owe much to [[psychology]] and [[philosophy]]. There is also an increasing interest in the Science of [[W:Endocrinology|Endocrinology]] as a material means of producing changes, usually in deficient children and [[moron]]s. Nevertheless, until modern educators begin to admit the possibility that there are central units in man which underlie the tangible and visible mechanism, and will also admit the possibility of a central powerhouse of energy behind the mind, progress in education will be relatively at a standstill; the child will not receive the initial training and the foundational ideas which will enable him to become a self-directed, intelligent human being. Psychology, with its emphasis upon the three aspects of man—[[thought]], [[emotional|emotional feeling]], and the bodily [[w:organism|organism]]—has already made a vital contribution and is doing much to bring about radical changes in our educational systems. Much remains to be done. The interpretation of men in terms of energy and the grasping of the [[w: Seven rays|seven types of energy]] which determine a man and his activities, will bring about immediate changes. p. 37 *The Atlanteans had no educational system as we understand the term. The kings and priests intuited; the masses obeyed. p. 40 * Two major ideas should be taught to the children of every country. They are: the value of the individual and the fact of the one humanity. p. 47 *One of our immediate educational objectives must be the elimination of the competitive spirit, and the substitution of the [[w:co-operative|co-operative]] [[w:consciousness|consciousness]]. p. 74 *What..should be the effort on the part of parents and [[educator]]s? First, and above everything else, the effort should be made to provide an atmosphere wherein certain qualities can flourish and emerge... #An atmosphere of [[love]], wherein [[fear]] is cast out and the child realises he has no cause for [[w:timidity|timidity]], [[shyness]] or [[caution]], and one in which he receives [[courteous]] treatment at the hands of others, and is expected also to render equally courteous treatment in return... #An atmosphere of [[patience]], wherein the child can become, normally and naturally, a seeker after the light of knowledge; wherein he is sure of always meeting with a quick response to inquiry and a careful reply to all questions, and wherein there is never the sense of speed or hurry... #An atmosphere of ordered activity, wherein the child can learn the first rudiments of responsibility...the shouldering of small duties and the sharing of responsibility (which is always concerned with some form of group relation) is a potent factor in determining a child's character and future vocation... #An atmosphere of [[understanding]], wherein a child is always sure that the reasons and [[motives]] for his actions will be recognised, and that those who are his older associates will always comprehend the nature of his [[motivation|motivating]] impulses... p. 76-78 *Young people in the future will be taught to think of themselves in relation to the group, to the family unit and to the nation in which their destiny has put them. They will also be taught to think in terms of world relationship and of their nation in relation to other nations. This covers training for [[citizenship]], for parenthood, and for world understanding; it is basically psychological and should convey an understanding of humanity. When this type of training is given, we shall develop men and women who are both civilised and cultured and who will also possess the capacity to move forward (as life unfolds) into that world of meaning which underlies the world of outer phenomena and who will begin to view human happenings in terms of the deeper spiritual and universal values. p. 83 *Much greater care will have to be given in picking and training the teachers of the future. Their mental attainments and their knowledge of their particular subject will be of importance, but more important still will be the need for them to be free from prejudice and to see all men as members of a great family. The educator of the future will need to be more of a trained [[w:psychologist|psychologist]] than he is today. Besides imparting academic knowledge, he will realise that his major task is to evoke out of his class of students a real sense of responsibility; no matter what he has to teach... he will relate it all to the Science of Right Human Relations and try to give a truer perspective than in the past upon social organisation. p. 89 ===''The Externalization of the Hierarchy'' (1957)=== <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_externalisation_the_hierarchy_obook (Full text online)]</small> [[File:Aquarius-drawing.jpg|thumb|New truths... are hovering on the horizon of the human mind.... A great stirring and moving is going on. The world... is seething in response to the inflow of spiritual energy.]] *One of the results of the world condition at this time is the speeding up of all the atomic lives upon and within the planet. This necessarily involves the increased vibratory activity of the human mechanism, with a consequent effect upon the psychic nature, producing an abnormal sensitivity and psychic awareness. It would be of value here to remember that the condition of humanity at this time is not the result of simply one factor, but of several—all of them being active simultaneously, because this period marks the close of one age and the inauguration of the new.The factors to which I refer are, primarily, three in number: # This is a transition period between the passing out of the Piscean Age, with its emphasis upon authority and belief, and the coming in of the Aquarian Age, with its emphasis upon individual understanding and direct knowledge. The activity of these forces, characteristic of the two signs, produces in the atoms of the human body a corresponding activity. We are on the verge of new knowledges and the atoms of the body are being tuned up for reception. Those atoms which are predominantly Piscean are beginning to slow down their activity and to be "occultly withdrawn," as it is called, or abstracted, whilst those which are responsive to the New Age tendencies are, in their turn, being stimulated and their vibratory activity increased. # The world war marked a climax in the history of mankind, and its subjective effect was far more potent than has hitherto been grasped. Through the power of prolonged sound, carried forward as a great experiment on the battlefields all over the world during a period of four years (1914-1918), and through the intense emotional strain of the entire planetary populace, the web of etheric matter (called the "veil of the temple") which separates the physical and astral planes was rent or torn asunder, and the amazing process of unifying the two worlds of physical plane living and of astral plane experience was begun and is now slowly going on. It will be obvious, therefore, that this must bring about vast changes and alterations in the human consciousness. Whilst it will usher in the age of understanding, of brotherhood and of illumination, it will also bring about states of reaction and the letting loose of psychic forces which today menace the uncontrolled and ignorant, and warrant the sounding of a note of warning and of caution. # A third factor is as follows. It has been known for a long time by the mystics of all the world religions and by esoteric students everywhere, that certain members of the planetary Hierarchy are approaching closer to the earth at this time. By this I want you to infer that the thought, or the mental attention, of the Christ and of certain of His great disciples, the [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters of the Wisdom]], is directed or focussed at this time on human affairs, and that some of Them are also preparing to break Their long silence and may appear later among men. This necessarily has a potent effect, first of all upon Their disciples and on those who are attuned to and synchronized with Their Minds, and secondly, it should be remembered that the energy which flows through these focal points of the Divine Will will have a dual effect and be destructive as well as constructive, according to the quality of the bodies which react to it. Different types of men respond distinctively to any inflow of energy, and a tremendous psychic stimulation is at this time going on, with results both divinely beneficent and sadly destructive. *It might be added also that certain astrological relationships between the constellations are releasing new types of force which are playing through our solar system and on to our planet and thereby making possible developments hitherto frustrated in expression, and bringing about the demonstration of latent powers and the manifestation of new knowledges. All this must be most carefully borne in mind by the worker in the field of human affairs if the present crisis is to be rightly appreciated and its splendid opportunities rightly employed. *All true spiritual thinkers and workers are much concerned at this time about the growth of crime on every hand, by the display of the lower psychic powers, by the apparent deterioration of the physical body, as shown in the spread of disease, and by the extraordinary increase in insanity, neurotic conditions and mental unbalance. *It is of no use at this time to close one's eyes to the immediate problem or to endeavour to lay the blame for the sad failures, the [[occult]] wrecks, for the half-demented psychics, the hallucinated mystics and the feeble-minded dabblers in esotericism at the door of their own stupidity, or upon the backs of some teachers, groups or organisations. *The cause of the growth of the lower psychism and of the increasing sensitivity of humanity at this time is the sudden inflow of a new form of astral energy through the rent veil which has, until a short while ago, safeguarded the many. p. 7 *Let it not be forgotten, however, that there is another side to the picture. The inflow of this energy has brought many hundreds of people into a new and deeper spiritual realisation; it has opened a door through which many will pass before long and take their second initiation, and it has let a flood of light into the world—a light which will go on increasing... bringing assurance of immortality and a fresh revelation of the divine potencies in the human being. Thus is the [[Age of Aquarius|New Age]] dawning. Access to levels of inspiration, hitherto untouched, has been facilitated. The stimulation of the higher faculties (and this on a large scale) is now possible, and the coordination of the personality with the soul and the right use of energy can go forward with renewed understanding and enterprise. Ever the race is to the strong, and always the many are called and the few chosen. This is the occult law. *We are now in a period of tremendous spiritual potency and of opportunity to all upon the probationary path and the path of discipleship. It is the hour wherein a clarion call goes forth to man to be of good cheer and of goodwill, for deliverance is on the way. But it is also the hour of danger and of menace for the unwary and the unready, for the ambitious, the ignorant, and for those who selfishly seek the Way and who refuse to tread the path of service with pure motive. Lest this widespread upheaval and consequent disaster to so many should seem to you unfair, let me remind you that this one life is but a second of time in the larger and wider existence of the soul, and that those who fail and are disrupted by the impact of the powerful forces now flooding our earth will nevertheless have their vibration "stepped up" to better things along with the mass of those who achieve, even if their physical vehicles are destroyed in the process. The destruction of the body is not the worst disaster that can overcome a man. p. 8 *One practical thing also I will ask of you. Will you say, each night and morning, with all your heart's desire and with the attention of your mind as well, the following words. Their united saying will set up a rhythm and a momentum of great potency. :'''Let the Forces of Light bring illumination to mankind.''' :'''Let the Spirit of Peace be spread abroad.''' :'''May men of goodwill everywhere meet in a spirit of cooperation.''' :'''May [[forgiveness]] on the part of all men be the keynote at this time.''' :'''Let power attend the efforts of [[Masters of Wisdom|the Great Ones]].''' :'''So let it be, and help us to do our part.''' *These words sound simple, but the "Forces of Light" is the name for certain new Powers which are being invoked by the Hierarchy at this time, Whose potencies can be brought into great activity at the May full moon if due effort is made. The Spirit of Peace which is invoked is an inter-planetary Agent of great power Whose cooperation has been promised if all aspirants and disciples can cooperate to break through the shell of separation and hatred which holds our planet in thrall. p.26 *May I therefore close with these simple words: Please give us your aid, my brothers. p. 26 *[[Materialism]] and [[Spirituality]]: There are today three major human trends: First of all, a trend towards a spiritual and free way of life; secondly, a trend towards [[intellectual]] unfoldment; and lastly, a potent trend towards material living and [[aggression]]. At present, the last of these innate tendencies is in the saddle, with the second, the intellectual attitude, throwing its weight upon the side of the material goals. A relatively small group is throwing the weight of human [[aspiration]] upon the side of the spiritual values. The war between the pairs of opposites — materialism and spirituality — is raging fiercely. Only as men turn away from material aggression and towards spiritual objectives will the world situation change, and men — motivated by [[goodwill]] — force the aggressors back to their own place and release humanity from [[fear]] and [[force]]. We are today reaping the results of our own sowing. The recognition of the cause of the problem provides humanity with the opportunity to end it. The time has arrived in which it is possible to institute those changes in attitude which will bring an era of [[peace]] and goodwill, founded on right human relations.<BR>These two forces — materialism and spirituality — face each other. What will be the outcome? Will men arrest the evil and initiate a period of [[understanding]], [[cooperation]] and right relationship, or will they continue the process of selfish planning and of economic and militant [[competition]]? This question must be answered by the clear thinking of the masses and by the [[calm]] and unafraid challenges of the [[democracies]]. (Section Two, The General World Picture, [https://www.lucistrust.org/online_books/the_externalisation_the_hierarchy_obook/section_two_the_general_world_picture_part5 part 5], p. 183 *Let love be the keynote in all relationships, for the power which must salvage the world is the precipitation of love. p. 333 *It can be expected that the orthodox Christian will at first reject the theories about the Christ which occultism presents; at the same time, this same orthodox Christian will find it increasingly difficult to induce the intelligent masses of people to accept the impossible Deity and the feeble [[Christ]], which historical [[Christianity]] has endorsed. A Christ Who is present and living, Who is known to those who follow Him, Who is a strong and able executive, and not a sweet and sentimental sufferer, Who has never left us but Who has worked for two thousand years through the medium of His disciples, the inspired men and women of all faiths, all religions, and all religious persuasions; Who has no use for fanaticism or hysterical devotion, but Who loves all men persistently, intelligently and optimistically, Who sees divinity in them all, and Who comprehends the techniques of the evolutionary development of the human consciousness (mental, emotional and physical, producing civilisations and cultures appropriate to a particular point in evolution) – these ideas the intelligent public can and will accept. p. 589/90 *The major weapon now being used by the combined Forces of Evil is chaos, disruption, lack of established security, and consequent fear... The entire rhythm of international thinking has to be altered, and that constitutes a slow and arduous task; the evil personalities which, in every country, are responsible for the chaos and uncertainty, have eventually to be replaced by those who can work in co-operation with the rhythm of the seventh [[W:Seven rays|Ray]], and thus produce ordered beauty. p. 668, ===''The Rays and the Initiations'' (1960)=== *New truths... are hovering on the horizon of the human mind. The ground is being prepared for the sowing of this seed, and the stage set for the emergence of new Actors in the great drama... Certain great concepts are firmly grasped by man. Certain great hopes are taking form and will become the pattern of man's living. Certain great speculations will become experimental theories, and later prove demonstrated facts . . . A great stirring and moving is going on. The world of men is seething in response to the inflow of spiritual energy. This energy has been evoked by the unrealised and inaudible cry of humanity itself. Humanity has become - for the first time in its history - spiritually invocative. p. 77/8 *The concept which has to supersede the one at present extant, is that of group initiation, and not that of the initiation of an individual aspirant. In the past, and in order to get the idea of initiation into the minds of the people, the Hierarchy chose the mode (now obsolete) of holding out the [Page 200] prospect of initiation before the earnest disciple; upon this they placed an early emphasis of its peculiarity, its rewarding nature, its ritual and ceremonies, and its place in the scale of evolution. Since the fact of initiation had been grasped by many, and achieved by some, it has become possible today to reveal what has always been implied, that initiation is a group event. *The soul - in its own nature - is group conscious, and has no individual ambitions or individual interests, and is not at all interested in the aims of its personality. It is the soul which is the initiate. Initiation is a process whereby the spiritual man within the personality becomes aware of himself as the soul, with soul powers, soul relationships, and soul purpose. The moment a man realises this, even in a small measure, it is the group of which he is conscious. *Only the man whose sense of identity is beginning to expand and become inclusive, can "take initiation" (as it is erroneously termed). If initiation were a purely personal achievement, it would throw the man back into the separative consciousness, out of which he is endeavouring to escape. This would not be spiritual progression. Every step upon the Path of Initiation increases group recognition. *It dawns on the initiate, as he proceeds from one initiation to another, that each time he moves forward on the path, or penetrates into the heart of the Mysteries in company with those who are as he is, who share with him the same point in evolution, and who are working with him towards the same goal, that he is not alone; that it is a joint effort that is being made. This is in fact the keynote of an Ashram, conditioning its formation. It is composed of disciples and initiates at various stages of initiate-unfoldment, who have arrived at their point of ashramic consciousness together, and who will proceed together until they arrive at that complete liberation which comes when the cosmic physical plane drops below the threshold of consciousness, or of sensitive awareness, and no longer holds any point of interest for the initiate. p. 342 *No one is admitted (through the process of initiation) into the [Page 201] Ashram of the Christ (the Hierarchy) until such time as he is beginning to think and live in terms of group relationships and group activities. Some well-meaning aspirants interpret the group idea as the instruction to them that they should make an effort to form groups - their own group or groups. This is not the idea as it is presented in the Aquarian Age, so close today; it was the mode of approach during the Piscean Age, now passed. Today, the entire approach is totally different. No man today is expected to stand at the centre of his little world, and work to become a focal point for a group. His task now is to discover the group of aspirants with which he should affiliate himself, and with whom he must travel upon the Path of Initiation - a very different matter, and a far more difficult one. p. 344 *An Ashram has in it disciples and initiates at all points of evolutionary development, and of all grades and degrees; these all work together in perfect unison, and yet - within their differentiated ranks, for each degree stands alone, yet united with all the others - with their own established rapport, their coded telepathic interplay, and a shared occult secrecy and silence, which guard the secrets and knowledges of one grade from another and from the unready. *When an aspirant, seeking upon the physical plane to find those who will share with him the mystery of his next immediate step or demonstrated expansion, discovers his own group, he will find that it has in it those who have not reached his particular point of wisdom, and those also who have already left him far behind. He will be drawn into a vortex of force and a field of service simultaneously. Ponder on this statement. He will learn, therefore, the lessons required by one who is to work in an Ashram, and will know how to handle himself with those who may not yet share with him the secrets which he already knows, and with those who have penetrated deeper into the Mysteries than he has. p. 346 *The conclusion of a twenty-five thousand year cycle or movement around what is called the lesser zodiac...The end of the Piscean Age. This simply means that the energies coming from Pisces during the last two thousand years, are now being rapidly superseded by energies coming from [[Age of Aquarius|Aquarius]]. These result in major changes. p. 550/1 *One interesting aspect of goodwill is that, as it develops in the human consciousness, it first of all brings a revelation of the existent cleavages which distinguish the political, the religious, the social and the economic life of people everywhere. The revelation of a cleavage is ever accompanied (for such is the beauty of the human spirit) by efforts along all possible lines, to bridge or heal the cleavage. This is testified to by the thousands of groups and organisations working to end cleavages, and to pull down the barriers to right human relations... The concept of easier, unified and happy relations, is nevertheless existent in the minds of many thousands everywhere, and the factual reality will materialise some day...The first step is the wholesome recognition that cleavages exist; it is here that goodwill can do its most useful and necessary work. . . . It is the cultivation of a [[spiritual]] attitude that is needed, and the dedication, at all times, and in every possible way, to the will-to-good. *Goodwill is contagious; once a definite start has been made in a pure and disinterested spirit, goodwill will permeate the world, and right human relations will be rapidly established. p. 749/52. [[File:Maitreya, Tibet, 1500s-1600s AD, gilt bronze, jeweled and enamel inlays - Dallas Museum of Art - DSC05015.jpg|thumb|I have already given you more than you can understand, but not more than you can begin slowly to study and eventually to comprehend...]] ===The Wesak Festival=== <small>[https://www.lucistrust.org/resources/wesakbooklet ''The Wesak Festival, A Technique of Spiritual Contact''],</small> *This is the Festival of the [[Gautama Buddha|Buddha]], the spiritual Intermediary between the highest spiritual centre, Shamballa, and the Hierarchy. The Buddha is the expression of the wisdom of God, the Embodiment of Light and the Indicator of the divine purpose. This will be fixed annually in relation to the Full Moon of May, as is at present the case. It is the great Eastern Festival. *The story is connected with the Buddha, and with a happening in His life which left Him in the position wherein (following the dictates of His heart) He determined to return once a year from the high place in which He dwells and works, to bless the world. The two great Sons of God, the Buddha and [[Christ|the Christ]], are one the custodian and the other the recipient of this blessing. Both of Them hold it in trust for transmission to a needy world, and both of Them act as transmitters of this spiritual energy to humanity. *This heavenly event takes place annually at the time of the full moon of Taurus (often called the "May Full Moon"), and at that event there is released upon Earth (according to the measure of man's demand) the blessing of God Himself, transmitted through the Buddha and His Brother, [[Christ|the Christ]]. This happening, however, can and does work out into physical manifestation and has its physical counterpart. Paralleling the subjective and spiritual ceremony, an event of some importance takes place simultaneously in a little valley in Tibet, on the further side of the Himalayas. It is there that the earthly ceremony of blessing is supposed to take place, and to that valley many people in and around the district find their way, as pilgrims towards the light. There, at the time of the full moon, a solemn ritual is performed, which can be as definitely seen and heard as can any ceremonial in any of our great cathedrals. *Behind the grouped [[Masters of Wisdom|Masters]], adepts, initiates and senior workers under God's plan, are to be found the world disciples and aspirants in their various grades and groups (either "in the body or out of the body" to quote the words of [[St. Paul]])... Those present in their physical bodies have found their way there by ordinary means. Others are present in their spiritual bodies and in the dream state. The "dream" which they later relate- may it not be the physical recognition and the recollection of an inner spiritual happening? *As the hour of the full moon approaches, a stillness settles down upon the crowd, and all look towards the northeast. Certain ritualistic movements take place, in which the grouped Masters and Their disciples of all ranks take up symbolic positions, and form on the floor of the valley such significant symbols as the five- pointed star, with the Christ standing at the highest point; or a triangle, with the Christ at the apex; or a cross, and other well known formations, all of which have a deep and potent meaning. This is all done to the sound of certain chanted words and esoteric phrases, called mantrams. The expectancy in the waiting, onlooking crowds becomes very great, and the tension is real and increasing. Through the entire body of people there seems to be felt a stimulation or potent vibration which has the effect of awakening the souls of those present, fusing and blending the group into one united whole, and lifting all into a great act of spiritual demand, readiness, and expectancy. It is the climax of the world's aspiration, focussed in this waiting group. These three words-demand, readiness and expectancy-best describe the atmosphere surrounding those present in this secret valley. *The chanting and the rhythmic weaving grows stronger, and all the participants and the watching crowd raise their eyes towards the sky in the direction of the narrow part of the valley. Just a few minutes before the exact time of the full moon, in the far distance, a tiny speck can be seen in the sky. It comes nearer and nearer, and grows in clarity and definiteness of outline, until the form of the Buddha can be seen, seated in the cross-legged Buddha position, clad in His saffron-coloured robe, bathed in light and colour, and with His hand extended in blessing. When He arrives at a point exactly over the great rock, hovering there in the air over the heads of the three Great Lords, a great mantram, used only once a year, at the Festival, is intoned by the Christ, and the entire group of people in the valley fall upon their faces. This Invocation sets up a great vibration or thought current which is of such potency that it reaches up from the group of aspirants, disciples or initiates who employ it, to God Himself. It marks the supreme moment of intensive spiritual effort throughout the entire year, and the spiritual vitalisation of humanity and the spiritual effects last throughout the succeeding months. The effect of this Great Invocation is universal or cosmic, and serves to link us up with that cosmic centre of spiritual force from which all created beings have come. The blessing is poured forth, and the Christ~as the Representative of humanity-receives it in trust, for distribution. *Thus, so the legend runs, the Buddha returns once a year to bless the world, transmitting through the Christ renewed spiritual life. Slowly then the Buddha recedes into the distance, until again only a faint speck can be seen in the sky, and this eventually disappears. The whole ceremonial blessing, from the time of the first appearance in the distance until the moment the Buddha fades out of view, takes just eight minutes. The Buddha's annual sacrifice for humanity (for He comes back only at great cost) is over, and He returns again to that high place where He works and waits. Year after year He comes back in blessing; and year after year the same ceremony has taken place. Year after year He and His great Brother, the Christ, work in the closest cooperation for the spiritual benefit of humanity. *In these two great Sons of God have been focussed two aspects of divine life, and They act together as Custodians of the highest type of spiritual force to which our humanity can respond. Through the Buddha, the wisdom of God is poured forth. Through the Christ, the love of God is manifested to humanity; and it is this wisdom and this love which pour forth upon mankind each "May" full moon. So runs the ancient story; such is the legend which lies behind this popular holiday in the East. Such is the fact, if we can dare believe it and have minds open enough to recognise its possibility. It is, for the West, a somewhat new idea, and calls for the readjusting of some of our cherished beliefs. But, if it can be grasped and understood, there will emerge into our consciousness a new vision and the possibility of the race consciously tapping today a new source of supply and a new centre of spiritual force. *The period of the Wesak Festival has lately been extended to cover five days of work and service; that is, the two days preceding the full moon, the day of the Festival itself, and the two succeeding days. The exact hour of the Wesak full moon is itself of tremendous importance. The two days of preparation are to be known as "Days of [[Renunciation]] and [[Detachment]]." The day of the Festival is to be known as the "Day of Safe-Guarding," whilst the two succeeding days are to be called the "Days of Distribution." ===The Great Invocation=== {{main|The Great Invocation}} {{cquote|From the point of Light within the Mind of God<br> Let light stream forth into the minds of men.<br> Let Light descend on Earth.<br> <br> From the point of Love within the Heart of God<br> Let love stream forth into the hearts of men.<br> May Christ(i) return to Earth...<br> <br>… (i) Many religions believe in a World Teacher, a “Coming One”, knowing him under such names as the Lord Maitreya, the Imam Mahdi, the Kalki Avatar and the Bodhisattva. These terms are sometimes used in versions of the Great Invocation for people of specific faiths.}} == See also == *[[The_Ageless_Wisdom_Teachings|The Ageless Wisdom Teachings]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bailey, Alice A}} [[Category:1880 births]] [[Category:1949 deaths]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]] [[Category:Women authors from England]] [[Category:New religious movement leaders]] [[Category:Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Social activists]] [[Category:Women activists from England]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Vegetarians]] [[Category:Spiritual teachers]] [[Category:Astrologers]] [[Category:Philosophers from England]] [[Category:Orators]] [[Category:Occultists]] [[Category:Religious leaders]] [[Category:Theosophists]] [[Category:People from Manchester]] [[Category:Immigrants to the United States]] [[Category:Women born in the 1880s]] md5e3wcdfol57g6o3nzm64rdj866paa 0 69164 3954378 3951747 2026-06-19T10:47:24Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* Dialogue */ 3954378 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[w:Dante's Peak|'''''Dante's Peak''''']] is a [[w:1997|1997]] [[w:Disaster film|disaster]]/[[w:Action movie|action]]-[[w:adventure film|adventure film]] about the effects of a [[w:volcano|volcano]] erupting near a small town in the [[w:Northern Cascades|Northern Cascades]]. :''Directed by [[w:Roger Donaldson|Roger Donaldson]]. Written by [[w:Leslie Bohem|Leslie Bohem]].'' {{center|'''Whatever you do, don't look back!''' <small>[[#taglines|Taglines]]</small>}} == Harry Dalton == * Paul, I think we should monitor the entire area. Get the whole shooting match in here. I don't know, but the acidity in the lake is high enough to bother me. There's enough carbon dioxide coming out of the soil to start killing trees and wildlife…Paul. Paul, you sent me up here to check. I'm doing that. I think attention should be paid. * I've always been better at figuring out volcanoes than people & politics. * This rig can take it. The engine's got a snorkel. * ''[While attempting to outrun the pyroclastic cloud]'' Oh, my God! Don't look back, kids! Don't look back! * When we get out of here… and we will get out of here…what do you say we go down to Florida, we get ourselves a boat, and we stock it with all the nicest, yummiest things…we can possibly get our hands on, and we go out there and we catch ourselves a big, old, fat fish? == Rachel Wando == * I'd like to thank Karen from Money magazine for this wonderful award. It's…oh, what is it, Lauren, is it Karen or Kathy? * Thank you, Karen. Thank you, Lauren. This award means a lot to us. We've been proud of our town for a long time. It's beautiful. It's safe. It's a wonderful place in which to raise a family. And now with the prospect of a major investment in our economic future…by Mr. Elliot Blair of Blair Industries…Will you stand up, Elliot? Next year we're gonna be number one. * A man who stares at a rock must have a lot on his mind. Or nothing. * Fun is what you have when you don't have two children, a business, and a town to run. * Eight years it took us to get this town on its feet. You wouldn't believe the struggle. == Others == * '''Paul Dreyfus''': How about a nice adult beverage? * '''Greg''': ''[seeing Rachel get out of her car with the coffees]'' Yes! It's coffee time! Coffee! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee! Cappuccino! Java! Yes! * '''Harry''': This little puppy's called Spider Legs. She goes in when it's too dangerous for us. Boldly goes, I might add. * '''Terry''': You guys see this? Do you see this? I expect apologies and six-packs from each one of ya. * '''Paul''': That's Terry's answer to everything. Kick it if it doesn't work. * '''Sheriff Turner''': Attention all citizens. There will be a meeting held…in the high school gymnasium at 6 PM to discuss the evacuation of Dante's Peak. To repeat: All citizens are urged to attend the meeting…that will be held in the high school gymnasium… *'''Nancy''': Why look at computers when you can look at the real thing? == Dialogue == :'''Harry''': Any idea where I might find Mayor Wando? :'''Cluster''': She should be right around the corner, accepting some award. Dante's Peak was just named the best... well, the second-best place to live... in the United States, population under 20,000. :'''Harry''': Good for you. What was number one? :'''Cluster''': I don't know. Some piece of crap town out in Montana. Who cares? <hr width="50%"> :'''Karen''': Thank you. Thank you very much, Les. Mayor Wando, it gives me great pleasure to present to you…a Money magazine award: Dante's Peak, the second most desirable place to live in the United States, population under 20,000. Congratulations. :'''Rachel''': Thank you… :'''Lauren''': It's Karen! :'''Rachel''': Thank you, Karen. Thank you, Lauren. This award means a lot to us. We've been proud of our town for a long time. It's beautiful. It's safe. It's a wonderful place in which to raise a family. And now with the prospect of a major investment in our economic future…by Mr. Elliot Blair of Blair Industries…Will you stand up, Elliot? Next year we're gonna be number one. <hr width="50%"> :'''Ruth''': Hi, Rachel... You Rachel's boyfriend? :'''Harry''': Uh, no, no. Harry Dalton, United States Geological Survey. Just up here to check on your mountain. That's all. :'''Ruth''': Bunch of you people came up here right after Mount St. Helens went nuts. There was nothing going on then. There's nothing going on here now. :'''Harry''': Yes, well, um… :'''Rachel''': I need to take Dr. Dalton up to the high lake and wondered if the kids could stay here for a little while. :'''Ruth''': Sure. But why don't we all go? We can go swimming. :'''Lauren''': Yeah! :'''Ruth''': Mess around in the hot springs on the way back. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sheriff''': I thought this was supposed to be an extinct volcano. :'''Harry''': Not extinct, just dormant... as in sleeping. And your volcano might just be waking up. :'''Les''': You're talking about the evacuation of 7,400 people. You don't think that's extreme? :'''Harry''': All I'm talking about…is you consider alerting the town to the possibility of an evacuation. :'''Les''': What Mr. Dalton here doesn't realize…is that if Elliot Blair gets the idea there is some kind of problem here, he's gonna take his $18 million, his 800 jobs, and he's gonna evacuate. :'''Jane Fox''': Les, two people are dead, and we don't know… :'''Les''': This is the first time in 4 years that we have the opportunity… :'''Rachel''': Look, look! It's been a very long day. Let's try to treat each other nicely. Norman, why don't you pull out the town's emergency evacuation plans? We should at least have a look at them. :'''Norman''': If I can find them. <hr width="50%"> :'''Stan''': Look at this nice little town. Nestled all snug and cozy right against the mountain. :'''Nancy''': Yeah, just like Pompeii. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rachel''': How about you, you ever been married? :'''Harry''': No, never. :'''Rachel''': Why not? :'''Harry''': Well, for one thing, I move around a lot. Colombia, Guatemala, the Philippines, Mexico, New Zealand, New Guinea. Wherever there's a volcano with an attitude. …Makes it hard to settle down. :'''Rachel''': You ever come close? :'''Harry''': Yes... Once. ''[sips from a glass cup]'' :'''Rachel''': Touchy subject. :'''Harry''': Her name was Marianne. We worked together. She loved volcanoes... Fascinated by them. Loved the life. Four years ago, a volcano erupted in Colombia. Marianne and I thought we had enough time to get out. Unfortunately, we were wrong. We got too close to the show. Marianne was killed. If this thing blows, and if she does a Mount St. Helens, the blast will get here within a minute. :'''Rachel''': Well, I hope you're wrong about our volcano, Harry. But if not, I'm glad you're here. <hr width="50%"> :'''Terry''': I'm okay. My doc says I can leave as soon as they make sure my head's okay. :'''Nancy''': Okay. See ya in ten years then. :'''Terry''': Ow. Ow. :'''Nancy''': I think Spider Legs was just... getting even with you for all those kicks in the butt you gave it! <hr width="50%"> :'''Harry''': Paul! I've got that scientific evidence you need. :'''Paul''': Harry, what are you doing? :'''Harry''': ''[fills a glass with sulfur-contaminated water]'' I've just come from the town's water supply. It's the same. :'''Paul''': Oh, my God. <hr width="50%"> :''[Graham and Lauren steal Rachel's car to drive up the mountain to save their grandmother]'' :'''Graham''': I can't see through the ash. :'''Lauren''': Maybe you ought to turn the lights on. :'''Graham''': They are on. :'''Lauren''': Make the windshield wipers go faster? :'''Graham''': I don't know how. :'''Lauren''': It's that thing there. :'''Graham''': Don't touch things! You're gonna mess something up. :'''Lauren''': Like what? :'''Graham''': I don't know. Something! :'''Lauren''': Maybe this wasn't such a good idea. <hr width="50%"> :'''Nancy''': Uh-oh. Looks like our asshole pilot plans on flying people outta here. :'''Paul''': If he gets any of that ash sucked up into his engine, he's had it. :'''Cluster''': He's gettin' $15,000 bucks cold cash. :'''Paul''': Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! No, no, no! Wait! Wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! ''[the helicopter takes off]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Greg''': We've had plenty of minor eruptions. Maybe we're over the hump. :'''Stan''': Yeah, I hope. :'''Nancy''': Get real, Beavis. She's just clearing her throat. She hasn't even started to sing yet. ''(scene cuts to the volcano, which is pouring fresh lava flow)'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Harry''', '''Rachel''', '''Graham''', '''Lauren''', and '''Ruth''' ''[singing while sailing across the acidic lake]'': Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily... Life is but a dream... Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... Merrily, merrily... Row, row, row your boat... Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily... Row, row, row your boat... Life is but a dream…Gently down the stream…Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily... Life is but a dream... Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily... Life is but a dream…Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily…Life is but a dream... Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily... <hr width="50%"> :'''Rachel''': Oh, God, Ruth. I'm so sorry for what I said to you up there. I really didn't mean it. I just… :'''Ruth''': You're right what you said. I am a fool. :'''Rachel''': No, you're not. :'''Ruth''': My son's the biggest fool of all. He never should've run off and hurt you all like that. :'''Rachel''': If anybody's a fool, Ruth, it's me, 'cause I don't think I ever really gave you a chance. :'''Graham''': Hang on, Grandma. It's just another two miles to the ranger station. :'''Ruth''': I don't think I have another two miles left in me, Ace. <hr width="50%"> :'''Harry''': Come here. Come here. Just sit down a second. Sit down a second. All right, listen, now. Have you ever been deep-sea fishing? :'''Graham''': No. :'''Harry''': Good. Neither have I. So, when we get out of here… and we will get out of here... what do you say we go down to Florida, we get ourselves a boat, and we stock it with all the nicest, yummiest things... we can possibly get our hands on, and we go out there and we catch ourselves a big, old, fat fish? ...Hmm? Does that sound good? :'''Rachel''': It sounds good, Harry. :'''Graham''': Yeah, Harry, it sounds great. <hr width="50%"> :'''Graham''': Did you really mean what you said about taking us fishing? :'''Harry''': I sure did. :'''Lauren''': That's great. :'''Soldier''': You guys ready to go? :'''Harry''': Let's go. == Taglines == * The pressure is building. * Whatever you do, don't look back! * Without warning, day becomes night, air turns to fire, and solid ground gives way to white-hot, molten terror. == Cast == * [[Pierce Brosnan]] - Dr. Harry Dalton * [[w:Linda Hamilton|Linda Hamilton]] - Mayor Rachel Wando * [[w:Charles Hallahan|Charles Hallahan]] - Dr. Pauljoseph "Paul" Dreyfus * [[w:Elizabeth Hoffman (actress)|Elizabeth Hoffman]] - Grandma Ruthleen "Ruth" * [[w:Jamie Renée Smith|Jamie Renée Smith]] - Lauren Wando * [[w:Jeremy Foley (actor)|Jeremy Foley]] - Graham Wando * [[w:Grant Heslov|Grant Heslov]] - Gregory "Greg" * [[w:Arabella Field|Arabella Field]] - Nancy * [[w:Tzi Ma|Tzi Ma]] - Stanley * [[w:Bill Bolender|Bill Bolender]] - Sheriff Turner * [[w:Peter Jason|Peter Jason]] - Norman Gates == External links == {{Wikipedia|Dante's Peak}} * {{imdb title|id=0118928|title=Dante's Peak}} [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Films about volcanoes]] [[Category:Films set in Washington (state)]] thzkvhj23bd603464vqcia2m5f09mbk 0 69166 3954379 3809599 2026-06-19T10:50:38Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* Emmit Reese */ 3954379 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Volcano (1997 film)|Volcano]]''''' is a [[w:1997|1997]] [[w:Disaster|disaster]]-[[w:Action movie|action]] movie about a volcano growing out of the [[w:La Brea Tar Pits|La Brea Tar Pits]] and wreaking havoc throughout [[w:Los Angeles, California|Los Angeles]]. :''Directed by [[w:Mick Jackson|Mick Jackson]]. Written by [[w:Jerome Armstrong|Jerome Armstrong]] and [[w:Billy Ray|Billy Ray]].'' {{center|'''The Coast is Toast.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} ==Amy Barnes== * ''[pointing out the blazing department store and melting bus to Roark]'' All right, the bus is just deflecting this, OK? It's coming back around, it's obviously got in the store, and we are dealing with very determined stuff here! ==Emmit Reese== * ''[after seeing footage of lava in Wilshire]'' You guys seeing this shit? * [[Moses]] couldn't reroute this shit, it's everywhere! * ''[arriving where the volcano crisis ended]'' I let the guy out of my sight for one minute. ==Dialogue== :'''Mike''': I can't leave you here after an earthquake. :'''Kelly Roark''': Why not? I'm 13 years old. I know what to do. :'''Mike''': OK. What do you do? :'''Kelly''': Get in the door frame, stick your head between your knees, and kiss your ass goodbye. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mike''': If a dam breaks somewhere, the Mayor calls, I don't want you telling her Roark went fishing. :'''Emmit''': Look, see, the mayor's in Aspen, okay? We don't pull her off of the slopes for only a 4.9. Besides, I'd cover for you. :'''Mike''': I'm sure you would. You look very comfortable sitting behind my desk talking on my telephone. :'''Emmit''': Yeah, it's kinda like I belong there or something. <hr width="50%"> :'''Amy''': Sometimes magma can find one of those fissures and rise up through it. :'''Mike''': What's magma? :'''Rachel''': Lava. :'''Mike''': Lava? Right here in L.A? :'''Amy''': It is one of several possibilities. It is unlikely, but it is a possibility. :'''Mike''': We have a history of that here in the downtown area? :'''Rachel''': [[w:Parícutin|Parícutin]]...1943 a Mexican farmer sees smoke coming out of the middle of his cornfield. A week later there's a volcano a thousand feet high. There's no history of anything until it happens. Then there is. <hr width="50%"> :'''Amy''': God, this is so stupid. The city's finally paying for its arrogance. :'''Mike''': Which particular arrogance is that? :'''Amy''': Building a subway under land that's seismically active. :'''Mike''': Yeah, it was a foolish man that built his house upon the sand. :'''Amy''': Matthew 7:26. Favorite among geologists. <hr width="50%"> :'''Woman''': Emmit, FAA’s on the line. They want an update. :'''Emmit''': Where are we with the airports? :'''Marty''': We shut down all outgoing. Everything incoming is being re-routed to Ontario. :'''Emmit''': No, no, no, no. Marty, no... Look at that screen! That cloud is blowing due east. We gotta send everything to San Diego. :'''Man''': Emmit, they got two gas lines burning on Fairfax. They can't get any hydrant pressure. :'''Emmit''': Swimming pools. :'''Man''': What about them? :'''Emmit''': Pump out all the swimming pools. That's a thousand gallons a pop. That's all the water we need. :'''Man''': Emmit, we just got a call from La Brea. There's total gridlock from Pico to Sunset. :'''Emmit''': Didn't we send over all those damn traffic cops? :'''Man''': That's who's calling; they're stuck at Olympic. Cars keep stalling out because of all the ash. It's clogging up the air filters. :'''Emmit''': [[w:Chevrolet Chevette|Chevettes]], right? <hr width="50%"> :''[Mike Roark has just overseen the flipping of a bus to at least stem the lava approaching down Wilshire]'' :'''Mike Roark''': All right we know that stuff is lava. What do we do next? :'''Amy Barnes''': You have got to evacuate the West Side. This thing is going to burn through the city until it reaches the ocean. :'''Roark''': The West Side, it's a million people! :'''Barnes''': There will be a million dead or homeless people if we don't evacuate! ''This'' is going to destroy everything it touches! <hr width="50%"> :''[Roark breaks up an argument between the LA Fire Department chief and a DWP engineer on how to stop the lava flow]'' :'''Mike Roark''': Knock this shit off! What is with you people? Chief, how long will it take this stuff to get to Fairfax? :'''LAFD Chief''': At this speed, it'll about ten minutes, give or take. :'''Roark''': Enough time to build a barricade? ''[everybody is blank]'' All right, look ''[flips map and starts drawing]'' Wilshire Boulevard, Fairfax. Eighty K-rails, double stacked in a horseshoe. OK? A cul-de-sac. That's gotta be a wall at least six feet high. :'''Dr Amy Barnes''': D'you have any helicopters, water tankers? :'''Roark''': Not yet, but they're on the way. :'''Barnes''': All right great. Once you get this lava to pool ok, dump everything you've got on it, all at once, try to form a crust. Maybe it'll dam itself, it's [[w:Eldfell|what they did in Iceland]]. :'''Roark''': ''[surprised at Amy's solution]'' Thank you. :'''Barnes''': You're welcome. :'''DWP Official''': This is like putting a Band-Aid on a broken leg. :'''LAPD Lt Ed Fox''': I don't know how many men we should keep putting in front of this thing. :'''Roark''': We're going to put as many people in front of it as it takes. Listen up, people! Let me tell you what's south of us: no more museums, no more department stores, just homes! People! If we turn and run now, they're gonna be defenseless! You don't like my plan? That's good. Give me another plan, but don't tell me we're backing out! Is everybody clear on that? :'''People''': Yeah! :'''Roark''': All right, let's go. Build a wall! ''[everybody scrambles to work]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Amy''': ''[calling Roark on his phone]'' How fast can you get to the corner of Wilshire and Western, we got a problem. :'''Mike''': No, no. Not anymore. We have got it stopped. :'''Amy''': The volume of ash coming down is way too high to think that we're out of danger. :'''Mike''': So, well how come it stopped? :'''Amy''': Well, maybe it didn't, maybe it just went someplace else. :'''Mike''': So, how do you know it didn't stop? :'''Amy''': You know, I don't. But when Mount Saint Helens blew, the force was 27,000 times greater then that of the Hiroshima bomb. Do you think that vent released anywhere near that much energy yet? :'''Mike''': No. :'''Amy''': Well, lets just assume that we haven't seen the real bulk of the magma yet, okay? Trust me, get down here. ''[hangs up the phone]'' Shit. == Taglines == * The Coast Is Toast. * There are at least 1,500 active volcanoes in the world that we know about...and at least one that we don't. * Welcome to Los Angeles. It's hotter than hell. == Cast == * [[Tommy Lee Jones]] - Mike Roark * [[w:Anne Heche|Anne Heche]] - Dr. Amy Barnes * [[w:Gaby Hoffman|Gaby Hoffman]] - Kelly Roark * [[w:Don Cheadle|Don Cheadle]] - Emmit Reese == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0120461|title=Volcano}} [[Category:1997 films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Films about volcanoes]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] dc3j6twwtpjw8ociy5u1p1s763wsywb 0 81404 3954341 3953265 2026-06-19T02:11:33Z ~2026-31994-37 3332129 /* Dialogue */ 3954341 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Logo Alvin and the Chipmunks 2007.svg|thumb|<big>Alvin!!!</big>]] '''''[[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks (film)|Alvin and the Chipmunks]]''''' is a 2007 film about songwriter [[w:David Seville|David Seville]], who finds success when he comes across a trio of singing chipmunks, who are mischievous, leading Alvin, brainy Simon and chubby, impressionable Theodore. The film was based on the [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks|Alvin and the Chipmunks]] characters created by [[w:Ross Bagdasarian|Ross Bagdasarian]]. It was followed by ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel]]'' (2009), ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: Chipwrecked]]'' (2011), and ''[[Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip]]'' (2015). :''Directed by [[w:Tim Hill (director)|Tim Hill]]. Written by [[w:Jon Vitti|Jon Vitti]], [[w:Will McRobb|Will McRobb]] and [[w:Chris Viscardi|Chris Viscardi]].'' {{center/s}}'''Here comes trouble.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]] {{center/e}} ==Dialogue== :''[First lines]'' [[File:Red fir.jpg|thumb|That's it! I cannot take this anymore! I cannot! I give up! I am ''sick'' of struggling for survival, competing with ''gophers'' and ''earthworms'' and that '''''loser''' sparrow'' who always takes my '''nuts'''! And I am especially sick of this ''[jumps on the branch three times]'' ''stupid, '''STUPID TREE!''''']] :'''Chipmunks''': ''[acapella, singing [[w:Bad Day (Daniel Powter song)|Bad Day]] by [[w:Daniel Powter|Daniel Powter]]]'' ♪''Where is the moment we needed the most/You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost/They tell me your blue skies fade to gray/They tell me your passion is gone away/And I do not need no carrying on/Cause you had a bad day/You're taking one down/You sing a sad song just to turn it around/You say you don't know/You tell me do not lie/You work at a smile and you go for a ride/You had a bad day/You have seen what you like/And how does it feel for one more time/You had a bad day/You had a bad day/''♪ :'''Alvin''': ''[pushing the last of the acorns into the tree]'' It's going, it's going. ''[gets sucked in and falls out with all of the acorns]'' :'''Simon''': And it's gone. :'''Alvin''': ''[from inside the tree]'' Whatever! :'''Theodore''': Maybe we should take a break. ''[an acorn hits him on the head]'' Ouch! :'''Alvin''': ''[pops out]'' That's it! I can't take this anymore! I can't! I give up! I am ''sick'' of struggling for survival, competing with ''gophers'' and ''earthworms'' and that '''''loser''' sparrow'' who always takes my '''nuts'''! And I am especially sick of this ''[jumps on the branch three times]'' ''stupid, '''STUPID TREE!''''' :''[They hear a buzzing chainsaw noise]'' :'''Simon''': Whoa! What's happening?! :'''Theodore''': Guys! I think he made it angry! :''[The tree falls down with the screaming chipmunks in it]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ian Hawke''': ''[After some seconds of listening to the demo recording of David Seville]'' Let's talk about your song, Dave. :'''David Seville''': Well, as crazy as it sounds, the original inspiration came to me- :'''Ian''': The song sucks, Dave. :'''David Seville''': What? [[File:DavidCross2007.jpg|thumb|upright|But I am your friend, so I am going to tell you that there is no sense in writing songs that no one is ever, '''''ever''''' going to sing.]] :'''Ian''': Your song? It is awful. I hate it. Yeah, I mean, who is going to sing it? [[w:Justin Bieber|Justin]]? [[w:Fergie (singer)|Fergie]]? Not a chance. I need something new; I need something fresh! :'''David Seville''': That ''is'' new! :'''Ian''': The next big thing. Dave, we go way back, all right? And we have both come a long way since college. ''You'', not so much. I wanted to like that song, but you heard it. <small>(Not that good.)</small> If I was not your friend, I would say "Dave, you go right back out of this office and you keep writing music. You'll get there someday." But I am your friend, so I am going to tell you that there is no sense in writing songs that no one is ever, '''''EVER''''' going to sing. :'''David Seville''': ''[heartbroken]'' Ever? <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Seville''': ''[starts to regain consciousness after the Chipmunks knocked him out]'' I must be hearing things. ''[wakes and sees the Chipmunks staring at him]'' Whoa, this is trippy. :'''Theodore''': Sir, are-are you all right? :'''David Seville''': Aah! Get back! Squirrels can't talk! :'''Alvin''': Whoa, wap-ap-ap-oh. Watch it, ''genius''. We are Chipmunks. Chip-'''munks'''! :'''David Seville''': Chipmunks can't talk either! ''[turns on lights]'' :'''Simon''': Well, our lips are moving, and words are coming out. :'''David Seville''': This isn't happening. ''[closes his eyes, talking to himself]'' I am not talking to chipmunks. I am not talking to chipmunks. :'''Alvin''': So, how is that working for you, Dave? :'''David Seville''': Uh, h-how do you know my name? :'''Alvin''': I'll take that one. We read your mail. By accident. :'''Simon''': You really ought to pay that utility bill, Dave. You ever hear of a credit rating? [[File:BravoSimac 2s.JPG|thumb|upright=0.5|Hey, hey...hey, hey, turn that off!]] :'''Theodore''': ''[turns on the food processor]'' What's this thing? :'''David Seville''': Hey, hey...hey, hey, stop doing turn that off! :'''Alvin''': ''[turns off the food processor]'' Sorry. :'''Simon''': ''[rubs Theodore's head]'' He fell out of the tree at birth. :'''David Seville''': C-Can all animals talk? :'''Simon''': Well, fish do have this type of sign language. :'''Alvin''': Hey Dave, do all humans have houses that smell like sweatsocks? ''[singing while squirting soap out of the soap dispenser]'' ♪''Dave likes to wear, dirty underwear, with little hairs''...♪ :'''Simon''': We're getting off on the wrong foot. Allow us to introduce ourselves. Hello. I'm Simon. The smart one. He's Alvin. :'''Alvin''': The ''awesomest'' one. :'''Theodore''': And I'm Theodore. :'''David Seville''': Oh, nice to meet you. Now get out of my house! :'''Theodore''': But...we talk. :'''David Seville''': Which only makes me want you out of my house that much more. It's creepy. Unnatural. Somewhat evil. :'''Alvin''': ''[to Simon]'' I kinda liked him better when he was unconscious. :'''David Seville''': ''[puts a mixing bowl over them]'' Gotcha! :'''Alvin''': Hey! :''[David laughs]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Seville''': Alright, here's the deal; you guys sing my songs, you get to sleep here. :'''Alvin''': ''[thinks about it]'' No. Wait! Is breakfast included? :'''David Seville''': ''[thinks about it]'' I can live with that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Seville''': This is my sheet music. [Alvin humming "Aloha Oe" while hoola hoopin with a towel rack] Alvin! :'''Alvin''': Hey! :'''David Seville''': This is not a Hula-Hoop. It's a towel rack. :'''Alvin''': Killjoy. :'''David Seville''': Are you guys always like this? :'''Simon''': We're kids, Dave. :'''David Seville''': Well, where are your parents? :'''Simon''': When you're a chipmunk, your parents take care of you for a week. Then they take off. :'''Alvin''': Our parents were hippies. They left early to join a commune. :''[A toy robot chases Theodore in a game of cat and mouse]'' :'''Theodore''': Help! Crazy robot. Help! It's after me! It's after me. :'''David Seville''': Hey. Hey. Be careful with that. :''[Dave picks up the robot as Theodore apologizes]'' :'''Theodore''': Sorry. :'''David Seville''': It's a collectible. I got it for Christmas last year. :'''Chipmunks''': Christmas! :'''Alvin''': We love Christmas. :'''Simon''': Even though we've never actually celebrated it. :'''Theodore''': But we want to. :'''David Seville''': Yeah, you can never go wrong with Christmas. :'''Theodore''': Oh, maybe we can celebrate it with you. :'''David Seville''': Yeah, maybe. Look, I've had a long and weird day, so off to bed. Come on.[puts the pillow] We start work tomorrow. I want you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed by 8. :'''Alvin''': My tail isn't bushy till 9. :'''David Seville''': Not my problem. Now go to sleep. :''[Alvin, Theodore and Simon yawn and stretch.]'' :'''Alvin''': I hope Christmas comes fast. :'''Theodore''': Me too. <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Piano playing Yamaha.png|thumb|All right, you chipmunks. Ready to sing your song?]] :'''David Seville''': [Begins to play his piano]'' [[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|All right, you chipmunks. Ready to sing your song?]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Simon''': I'll say we are.]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Theodore''': Yeah! Let's sing it now!]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''David Seville''': Ready, Simon?]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Simon''': O-kay.]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''David Seville''': Ready, Theodore?]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Theodore''': O-kay!]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''David Seville''': Alvin? Alvin?]] [[File:TEAC A-3440 4-track reel-to-reel audio tape recorder (1979-1984).jpg|thumb|upright=0.4|Ooh! This kicks a hamster wheel's butt.]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Alvin''': ''[Running on top of reel-to-reel tape recorder]'' Ooh! This kicks a hamster wheel's butt.]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''David Seville''': <big>ALVIN!</big>]] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Alvin''': WHOOOA! O-''kay!'']] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Chipmunks''': ''♪ Christmas, Christmastime is near. Time for toys and time for cheer. We've been good, but we can't last. Hurry, Christmas, hurry fast. Want a plane that loops the loop. ♪'']] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Alvin''': ''♪ Me, I want a Hula-Hoop. ♪'']] :[[w:The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)|'''Chipmunks''': ''♪ We can't hardly stand the wait. Please, Christmas, don't be late! ♪'']] <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Seville''': ''[Enthusiastic]'' I've got something for you. It's your next big thing. ''[Presents a Christmas-themed box]'' :'''Ian''': Dave... :'''David Seville''': Don't say anything. ''[opens the box, revealing the Chipmunks]'' :'''Ian''': What the...? Dave, don't do this to yourself, man. :'''David Seville''': They sing! ''[The Chipmunks, seemingly scared, do not sing]'' :'''Ian''': No, they don't. :'''David Seville''': They do, just give me a second! Come on, guys. ♪''Want a plane that loops the loop. Me, I want a Hula-Hoop.''♪ ''[Ian looks at him oddly, Dave nervously laughs]'' [[File:Gifts xmas.jpg|thumb|upright|And others would say "You know what's weirder than that? A grown man bringing ''another'' grown man a big box with a bunch of chipmunks in it who not only speak English but can ''sing''."]] :'''Ian''': You know Dave, some people might say it's kind of weird that a grown man would want a Hula-Hoop. And others would say "You know what's weirder than that? A grown man bringing ''another'' grown man a big box with a bunch of chipmunks in it who not only speak English but can ''sing''." :'''David Seville''': They do sing, we've been practicing all morning! :'''Ian''': ''[sarcastically]'' '''''Oh''''', you've been practicing, I never realized. Okay, well. ''[Waits for them to sing, Dave impatiently gestures]'' Yeah. Okay no. Dave I'm going to... ''pretend'' that I have a lunch to go to. ''Oops'', I have a lunch to go to. ''[leaves]'' :'''David Seville''': What was that?! :'''Simon''': Uh, nothing, nothing, just a little stage fright? ''[whimpers]'' :'''Theodore''': I thought my heart was gonna explode! :'''Alvin''': We are not performing monkeys, Dave! Why do we have to sing for that guy anyway? :'''David Seville''': Well, how's this? Pretend I need the money and I hate my job and you're staying at my place, so you owe me. :'''Theodore''': We're sorry, Dave. :'''David Seville''': Yeah, that helps. ''[sighs]'' Never mind, I'm late for work. :'''Theodore''': Ooh, ooh, ooh! Can we go with you? :'''David Seville''': What, so you can mess that up too? Uh-uh, ''you're'' going home. :'''Alvin''': Can I stand in your lap and steer? :'''Theodore''': Ooh, can we at least beep the horn? Never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David arrives home while Simon and Theodore are watching [[SpongeBob SquarePants]] episode Have You Seen This Snail? On TV.]'' :'''David Seville''': ''[shows his presentation board]'' Uh, guys? What's this about? :'''Simon''': Obviously, Theodore's butt. :'''Theodore''': W-We told you we colored. :'''David Seville''': On my presentation boards?! You got me fired! :'''Theodore''': Oh. We didn't know. ''[David turns off the TV]'' We're sorry, Dave. :'''David Seville''': Oh, you're sorry? That's fantastic! "Sorry" doesn't get my job back, now, does it, Theodore? ''[sees his clothes laid on kitchen floor]'' Why are my clothes all over the place? :'''Simon''': We used them to mop up the water. Good idea, right? :'''David Seville''': Oh, my God, Theodore, did you just...? :'''Theodore''': Um... um... :'''Simon''': It's a raisin, Dave. :'''David Seville''': Prove it. :'''Simon''': Mmm-hmm! :'''David Seville''': Okay, you got me. Look, I wanna talk to all of you guys. Where's Alvin? ''[Simon spits out the poop that looks like a raisin]'' Alvin? :'''Simon''': ''[to Theodore, sternly] You'' owe me '''''big-time.''''' :'''David Seville''': Alvin!!! :'''Alvin''': There's this new thing. It's called 'knocking'! :'''David Seville''': Get out! :'''Alvin''': I'm waiting for the rinse cycle! :'''David Seville''': Out! :'''Alvin''': Whoa, whoa, I'm taking a shower here! :'''David Seville''': You know, if I made a list of my worst days ever, guess what? Today would be at the top of the list! :'''Alvin''': And it's still early! :'''David Seville''': Clam it, sudsy! ''[sighs]'' Okay, guys, let me just put it to you like this, okay? I have no job, no career, my house is always a mess, thank you very much... :'''Claire''': ''[Answering Machine Beeps]'' Hi, Dave. It's Claire Wilson. And why did I just say my last name? That was weird. I guess I'm just a little nervous about coming over for dinner. :'''David Seville''': Dinner! :'''Claire''': So, yeah. I'm gonna hang up now. I'll be there at 7. Okay. Bye. :'''David Seville''': That's half an hour! :'''Theodore''': Who's Claire? :'''Simon''': Claire is Dave's mate. Ooh-la-la. :'''David Seville''': She is not my mate. She's my ex-mate. Okay, this is great. :'''Simon''': Dave. Dave, relax. You just go get the food. We'll take care of the rest. All right? :'''David Seville''': No, why am I having a hard time believing you? :'''Alvin''': That hurts, Dave. That really hurts. :'''Simon''': Yeah, we're all in this together, Dave. :'''Theodore''': Like a family. :'''David Seville''': No, not like a family. :'''Alvin''': Tick-tock, Dave. Better bust a move. :'''David Seville''': Right. ''[Alvin chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''David Seville''': Well, this is going to sound really strange. :'''Claire''': No games, no fooling around. :'''David Seville''': The truth? :'''Claire''': ''Please'' I'm begging you. :'''David Seville''': ... My life is being sabotaged by talking chipmunks. :'''Claire''': ''[In disbelief]'' You know what? ''[leaves]'' :'''David Seville''': I'm not crazy, I swear. :'''Claire''': You haven't changed at all. :'''David Seville''': Wait Claire don't go, I- I can explain... Chipmunks. ''[closes door, goes to his room]'' [[File:Jean-Louis Forain - After the Ball, the Reveler.jpeg|thumb|"You should have kissed her, Dave! She wanted you!" <br> "Alvin, you're not helping."]] :'''Alvin''': ''[knocking on door, offscreen]'' You should have kissed her, Dave! She wanted you! :'''Simon''': ''[offscreen]'' Alvin, you're not helping. :'''Alvin''': ''[offscreen]'' Aw, don't give up, Dave. :'''David Seville''': Go away! Leave me alone. :'''Theodore''': ''[offscreen]'' Dave, would you like a cookie? :''David Seville''': I said, leave me alone! ''[sighs]'' :'''Alvin''': Is it me, or was he a little mad? :'''Simon''': Oh. Hmm. Hmm. I wonder. Is Dave mad? Yes! :'''Theodore''': He really did have garlic breath. :'''Simon''': Yeah, well-played, guys. :'''Alvin''': Idea! Ding-ding-ding-ding! Who has cab fare? :Simon: Cab fare? We don't even have pockets. [[File:1 second - Flickr - Danielle Scott.jpg|thumb|Guys? Simon, Theodore? Guys? Alvin. <big>Alvin!</big>]] :'''David Seville''': ''[Makes a box with waffles and punches holes in the top, presumably to put the chipmunks in. He writes an attempt letter]'' ''Dear fellas. I'm sorry, but this isn't really working out. I don't know what made me think I can handle you guys when I can barely manage my own life. You should go back to your real home in the forest. It's what's best for all of us. I'm sorry it has to be this way. But--'' ''[crumbles the paper and throws it on the floor. He notices the Chipmunks are missing and looks for them outside his house]'' Guys? Simon, Theodore? Guys? Alvin. <big>Alvin!</big> :''[The Chipmunks rang the doorbell at Ian's mansion]'' :'''Ian''': ''[glances outside his mansion]'' Hello?...Hello? ''[the Chipmunsk sneak into Ian's mansion; Ian sees no one's here]'' Kids. ''[closes the door and heads back to the stairs, but is startled by the Chimpunks' singing]'' :'''Chipmunks''': ''[a capella as they appear in front of Ian]'' ♪''Christmas, Christmas time is here / Time for toys and time for cheer / We can hardly stand the wait / Please Christmas, don't be late!''♪ :'''Ian''': ''[amazed with a smile]'' Welcome to Jett Records. <hr width="50%"> :'''David Seville''': Okay, new rule: no going out after 9, and not at all unless I know where you're going. :'''Theodore''': Were you worried about us, Dave? :'''David Seville''': No, I just need to know, that's all. :'''Alvin''': Wait, if you're not worried, then why do you need to know? :'''David Seville''': ''[loudly]'' I need to know, okay? ''[sees his cart filled with boxes of waffles]'' Guys, what's all this? :'''Chipmunks''': Toaster Waffles! :'''David Seville''': ''[puts all the boxes of waffles back in the freezer]'' You know, I can't afford all these toaster waffles. :'''Simon and Theodore''': Aww! :'''Alvin''': What? :'''David Seville''': Well, in case you didn't notice, I don't have a job anymore. ''[his song plays over the loudspeaker at the store]'' My song? :'''Alvin''': All right! :'''Simon and Theodore''': Yeah! :'''David Seville''': ''[gets a call from Ian]'' Hello? :'''Ian''': Hey, Dave! ''Hey'', how's my favorite song-writer? :'''David Seville''': Ian? :'''Ian''': Tell me you've heard the song. :'''David Seville''': Yeah, I'm- I'm- I'm listening to it right now, but I mean how did you- when did-? :'''Ian''': Speed of business, baby. That's how we do it. That's how I ''roll''. ''[laughs]'' I got a friend in satellite radio, put it in immediate rotation. ''And'', that video of your ''little guys''? 10 million hits already on YouYube! ''[makes noises happily]'' It's crazy! I gotta go. Hey, put some clothes on those guys, though. <small>It's kind of embarrasing.</small> :'''Alvin''': We owed you, Dave. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Theodore''': ''[taps Dave's hand]'' Dave? ''[jumps up onto the bed]'' Are you awake? :'''David Seville''': ''[waking up]'' I am now. :'''Theodore''': I had a nightmare. Can... I sleep with you? :'''David Seville''': Umm... :'''Theodore''': You won't even know I'm here. :'''David Seville''': Okay, sure, but stay on ''that'' side of the bed. :'''Theodore''': Oh, oh, oh, okay. ''[goes to the other side, but then snuggles up with Dave]'' :'''David Seville''': ''[annoyed]'' Theodore, That's not your side of the bed,. ''[then gives in with a sigh]'' <hr width="50%"> [[File:Decorated christmas tree (america).jpg|thumb|"To Dav". Let's see, it says, "Merry Christmas, love Theodore"]] :'''David Seville''': ''[opening the Chipmunks' presents on Christmas morning]'' Oh nicely done, Theodore. ''[reading Theodore's letter]'' "To Dav". Let's see, it says, "Merry Christmas, love Theodore. ''[sees the drawing as having spiky green "hair"]'' And it's got a picture of, uh, pineapples? :'''Theodore''': Those aren't pineapples. That's our family. :'''David Seville''': ''[seemingly uncomfortable]'' Uh, look, fellas let's, make sure we understand each other. I'm not your... ''[sees the Chipmunks looking at Dave admiringly]'' you know, your dad or anything, right? :'''Theodore''': But... you're ''like'' a dad. :'''David Seville''': Well, not really. I mean, we're friends, for sure. I write your music, you know, manage your career... :'''Simon''': Make us sweaters... :'''Alvin''': Feed us... :'''David Seville''': That's... what friends do. ''[the Chipmunks look at Dave]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Ian''': Hey, what do you think of this? :'''David Seville''': What is it? :'''Ian''': It's Alvin. :'''David Seville''': That looks nothing like Alvin. :'''Ian''': Well, yeah, it's a prototype. We'll sell a million of these things. It's voice-activated. Here, say something to it. :'''David Seville''': Hello, ugly little Alvin doll that looks nothing like Alvin. :'''Ian''': See? You love it. It's Spanish. :'''David Seville''': You know what? That's just weird. :'''Ian''': Come on, Dave, Dave, Dave. We've got to expand the Munks' fan base. I mean, forget about the music. The music is but a means to the big money, okay? I'm talking about our own fur clothing line, cologne. Chipmunk Heat, something like that. Chipmunk wine coolers. I mean- :'''David Seville''': They're just kids. :'''Ian''': No, they’re rats, and they could be making us both so much money if you just let me work with them. :'''David Seville''': ''[leaves]'' I can't hear you, the music's too loud. :'''Ian''': ''[As Dave walks away]'' Don’t go ''against'' me on this, Dave. '''I never lose!''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Alvin''': Come on, pal. You drive like my grandmother. Get a wheelchair. Move over! :'''Simon''': Hey, guys, look at me. Up, up and away. Alvin! :'''Alvin''': Can't help you, Simon. I'm about to take the lead here. :'''David Seville''': Hey, guys, I have an idea for a new song. :'''Simon''': Hey, Dave. :'''David Seville''': What's going on in here? I thought I told you guys to clean up. :'''Simon''': We are. :'''David Seville''': Who's that? :'''Simon''': Uncle Ian hired us a housekeeper. She's also a masseuse. ''[purrs]'' :'''Alvin''': Come on, move over, road hog. Drive it or park it, pal. Get in the slow lane. :'''David Seville''': Where did you get that game? :'''Alvin''': Uncle Ian. Move it or lose it! Get some training wheels, buddy. :'''David Seville''': Okay, you know what? That's enough. :'''Alvin''': What are you doing? I was about to beat my high score. :'''David Seville''': Too bad. Where's Theodore? Spit it out. Spit it out. :'''Theodore''': No! :'''David Seville''': Jett Records. Okay, that's it. Meeting. Now. Everyone on the couch. Could you give us a minute? ''[After noticing Alvin playing [[w:Project Gotham Racing 3|Project Gotham Racing 3]], Simon getting caught on the fan by balloons, and Theodore eating a Jett Records gift basket, all gifts from Ian]'' Guys, look, it's hard. I know. 3 months ago, you were hanging out in a tree somewhere and now you're- :'''Alvin''': ''[inhales the balloon, low pitched voice]'' '''Major rock stars.''' :'''David Seville''': Okay, whatever. My point is, just because you're- :'''Alvin''': ''[inhales again, low pitched voice]'' <big>'''''Major rock stars'''''</big>. :'''David Seville''': ''[throws the balloon away]'' Doesn't mean you can have or do whatever you want! :'''Simon''': Well, Uncle Ian says we should always be happy. :'''David Seville''': Okay, you know what? He's not your uncle! :'''Alvin''': He also, David, said that we should be making $20 a day. :'''David Seville''': Well, guess what? You're making way more than that. And because I care, I'm putting it all away for you. Just like storing nuts for the winter. :'''Alvin''': Oh, winter's for ''losers''. :'''Simon''': Yeah, and shouldn't we have a say in how to build our investment portfolio? :'''David Seville''': Where is all this coming from? You guys are just kids. :'''Alvin''': Kids, Dave, or ''rats''? :'''David Seville''': ''[shocked]'' What?! :'''Theodore''': Well, Uncle Ian says we're like his family. :'''David Seville''': ''[irritated]'' Oh, yeah?! Well, '''if you ''love'' Uncle Ian so much and you don't think I'm watching out for you, WHY DON'T YOU GO LIVE WITH UNCLE IAN?!''' :''[The chipmunks are shocked and devastated by Dave's words, as the door slam shut is heard offscreen]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Wrinkled paper.jpg|thumb|upright|{{mono|Dear fellas. I'm sorry, but... You should go back to your real home in the forest.}}]] :'''Simon''': ''[reading the attempt letter written months ago by Dave]'' "Dear fellas. I'm sorry, but... ''[mutters]'' You should go back to your real home in the forest." :'''Alvin''': I guess he really does want us to go. :''[The Chipmunks' belongings are loaded into Ian's car, Dave watches defeatedly]'' [[File:Reflections Car Window 1.jpg|thumb|upright|I told you, Dave. I never lose.]] :'''Ian''': ''[Rolls window down]'' I told you, Dave. I never lose. ''[Rolls window up and drives away]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Ian''': We're the Chipmunks, for crying out loud! :'''Alvin''': This is absurd. I feel like [[w:Sean Combs|P. Diddy]] with fur. :'''Simon''': And to be honest, the new songs don't really... sound like... us. :'''Ian''': Well, you know what I think? I think the new direction is ''perfect'', you know? It's all about <u>today's edge</u>. :'''Theodore''': Dave always said it was all about the music. :'''Ian''': ''[mocking]'' <small>Dave always said it was all-</small> ''You know what?'' '''DAVE-DAVE-DAVE-DAVE-Dave is not here! Okay?''' ''It's me!'' It's ''fun'' Uncle Ian! All right? Okay? ''[The Chipmunks are visibly disappointed]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Ian''': ''[On the phone with Dave]'' Yel-low? Who? Dave Seville... name rings a bell.... a dead, broken bell. :'''David Seville''': Just let me talk to the guys. :'''Ian''': Oh I don't think that's such a good idea, Dave. The boys are still stinging a little bit from you ''kicking them'' out the door. :'''David Seville''': That's ''not'' what happened. :'''Ian''': ♪De-''ni''-al.♪ :'''David Seville''': So, what's this I hear about a European tour? You're taking them away for six months? :'''Ian''': Uhh, no, 12 actually, if we can get China to go Chipmunk. :'''David Seville''': ''Twelve''? Look, I just wanted to say hi, see how they're doing. :'''Ian''': They're doing great. ''[laughs]'' They're loving life. ''Living large''... face it, Dave. They've moved on. They're happy now. :'''David Seville''': Look, Ian, I want to talk to them. Put them on the phone. :'''Ian''': Yeah, I don't think that gonna happen, Dave, because we've got a world tour, gonna start tomorrow, and these guys don't need the extra pressure, okay? We'll send you a postcard. :'''David Seville''': Ian, you can't do this. They're not ready for something like that, they're just kids. I'm gonna see them... :''[Ian pretends the signal does not work and the call ends]'' :'''Alvin''': Ian... was that... Dave? :'''Ian''': ''[Intentionally leaves out what Dave said]'' Uhh... ''yes'', yes it was and um, he just wanted me to let you know that he's doing great and he's happy. He's really really happy. <small>So, all right...</small>''[leaves]'' :'''Theodore''': And, is he coming to the show? :'''Ian''': ... You know what? I sent him tickets. And here's the thing, he ''sent'' them back! ''[The Chipmunks become further disappointed]'' Yeah, I know. I uh... guess he's busy, you know. Got better things to do. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Theodore''': ''[climbs on Ian's bed]'' Uncle Ian? :'''Ian''': ''[wakes up with a start]'' W... What are you doing here? :'''Theodore''': Can I sleep with you? I had a nightmare. :'''Ian''': ''[sarcastically]'' ''Ohhhh''... you had a nightmare? I had a nightmare too. I-in my nightmare, um, I had to put together 37 dates in 42 ''days'', in ''16'' different countries. ''And'', and, I had to coordinate 121 different radio and print interviews in <big>''five'' different</big> languages. ''[picks up Theodore]'' But you know what, Theo? The only difference is, in my nightmare, ''[talks at his face]'' when I open my eyes, <big>it ''doesn't'' '''''END!'''''</big> :'''Theodore''': So... is that a no? ''[Ian throws him out the door in the next shot]'' Whoa! ''[lands on the floor]'' Oh... ooh... ''[gets up and walks back to his room]'' <hr width="50%"/> [[File:Moon with clouds (19434065281).jpg|thumb|But Theodore, wake up and smell the toffee. Dave... doesn't even... ''want'' us. He doesn't even care to come to our show.]] :'''Theodore''': Guys, I wanna go home. :'''Simon''': What do you mean? You are home. :'''Theodore''': No. I mean home home, you know, with Dave. :'''Alvin''': But Theodore, wake up and smell the toffee. Dave... doesn't even... ''want'' us. He doesn't even care to come to our show. <hr width="50%"/> :''[David makes it to the show while running from security led by Ian; the Chipmunks have sabotaged the show]'' :'''David Seville''': Guys. :'''Chipmunks''': Dave! ''[Security detains Dave and Ian stops the Chipmunks]'' :'''David Seville''': What are you doing? :'''Alvin''': Put us down :'''Simon''': Let me go.. :'''Theodore''': Hey! :'''Ian''': You better study your French, because we’re going to Paris tonight, okay? :'''Alvin''': I just had my tail re-done! :'''David Seville''': No, wait! :'''Ian''': ''[to security]'' Take that, put it with my stuff. :'''Alvin''': Let us out of here! Let us out of ''here''! :'''David Seville''': No… what? Ian, they don't want this anymore. Just let them '''''go'''''! :'''Ian''': ''[Pretends to be oblivious]'' But… the guy just left. You should have said something about five seconds ago. ''[Laughs]'' <small>Come back.</small> :'''David Seville''': Ian, they need a real life, not all of this! Besides, they just ruined the concert. Word will get out. No one will come to see them. :'''Ian''': Dave, they're chipmunks ''that talk''. People will come. Guys, with me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ian''': ''[To driver]'' Go, go go. Go. :'''David Seville''': ''[In pursuit of Ian]'' Come on… :''[Unbeknowest to Dave, the Chipmunks appear in his car]'' :'''Alvin''': Step on it, Dave! You're losing him! :''[David realizes and hits the brakes]'' :'''David Seville''': ''[smiling, surprised]'' H-h- how did you guys…? :'''Simon''': We are talking chipmunks, Dave. We can get out of a cat carrier. Not even… hard to do. :'''Theodore''': You came ''back'' for us! [[File:- 01 Alfa Romeo Giulietta Car seat ( seats ).jpg|thumb|Well… of course I came back. We're a family.]] :'''David Seville''': Well… of course I came back. We're a family. :''[Chipmunks gasp]'' :'''Alvin''': ''Ho-ly'' nuts! :'''David Seville''': ''[confused]'' What? :'''Alvin''': Uh, am I going crazy? Or did he just say, "family"? :'''David Seville''': ''[giving in]'' I know, but… ''[lost for words]''... I really missed you guys. :'''Theodore''': I missed you too, Dave. ''[hugs Dave]'' :'''Simon''': Me too. So did Alvin, he's just… ''too cool'' to admit it. :'''Theodore''': Yeah, ''too macho''. ''[everyone looks at Alvin]'' :'''Alvin''': ''[close to tears, pretending to cough]'' Missed you- too. ''[fake coughs]'' Sorry, I had some sentimentality stuck in my throat. ''[clears throat]'' I just said, uh, I ''missed'' you <small>too</small>. :''[tries to seem dismissive]'' Whatever. Who are you guys to judge me? Okay, you know what? <big>I miss my friend Dave, okay?</big> ''[everyone becomes shocked]'' <big>I'll scream it from the rooftops. And I'm '''not''' afraid, I'm ''not'' ashamed!</big> That's right! ''[smiles]'' I ''love you'', Dave! :'''David Seville''': ''[rolle eyes playfully, smiles]'' Come here. ''[Alvin climbs on him too]'' :'''Alvin''': Uhm, Dave? :'''David Seville''': Yes, Alvin? :'''Alvin''': ''[enthusiastic]'' ''Now'' can I steer? ''[David is seemingly annoyed]'' Oh ''please, please, please''! :'''Simon''': I always wanted to work the windshield wipers. :'''Theodore''': Oh, and I'd like to beep the horn! :'''David Seville''': Have at it, fellas! :'''Theodore''': I'm a good beeper. :'''Simon''': Save some horn for the rest of us, man. [[File:Triumph TR4 (1962) (51307559119).jpg|thumb|Hey, look, Dave, no paws! ''Woooooooohooooooo!'']] :'''Alvin''': Come on, Dave, drive faster! :'''David Seville''': ''[chuckle]'' Not with ''you'' steering! :'''Alvin''': Dave, you drive like a sleepy old bear! :'''David Seville''': Okay, Alvin, that's enough. :'''Alvin''': Enough of what? Of being awesome? :'''David Seville''': ''Alvin'', I said "that's enough". :'''Alvin''': Hey, look, Dave, no paws! ''Woooooooohooooooo!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ian''': ''[In his car, believing he still has the Chipmunks]'' Hey, if you guys behave, ''maybe'' I'll let you call me "Uncle Ian" again. Deal? : ''[A Chipmunk dolls speaks a foreign language, a Simon doll speaks French; Ian picks up an Alvin doll]'' :'''Alvin doll''': ''Hola, me llamo Alvin, y yo quiero una Hula-Hoop.'' <small>('''Translation''': Hi, I'm Alvin, and I want a hula-hoop.)</small> [[File:Mactan ML Quezon National Highway, Pusok night view (Lapu-Lapu City, Cebu; 01-19-2024).jpg|thumb|''¡Madre de Dios!'' <big>'''NO!!!'''</big>]] :'''Ian''': ''[looks to the carrier, realizes the Chipmunks are gone]'' ''¡Madre de Dios!'' <small>('''Translation''': Mother of God.)</small> '''''NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!''''' :''[Later, Claire visits Dave's house again, as she shows up at the front door]'' :'''Dave''': Claire. :'''Claire''': Hey. :'''Dave''': Come on in! :'''Alvin''': ''[leaning on a bottle of champagne, wearing his "A" cap]'' Well, hel-''lo,'' Clarina! :'''Claire''': ''[to the chipmunks]'' Hi, guys. :'''Dave''': I hope you like toaster waffles. :'''Alvin''': And, for US classy chipmunks, a '''''BIT''''' of the ''bubbly.'' :'''Claire''': ''[surprised]'' Oohhh! :'''Alvin''': ''[while struggling to uncork a bottle]'' Stupid...''cork''...'''''DOESN'T'''''-- ''[the cork comes loose and goes flying...]'' Whoa! ''[...then the cork smashes into the glass on a China cabinet]'' Yikes! '' [giggles nervously]'' Oops. :'''Dave''': ''[after a short pause, calmly]'' Not gonna say it. :'''Alvin''': Uh-oh! :'''Simon''': Good grief. :''[The champagne spills down the steps]'' :'''Claire''': Are you ''still'' not gonna say it? :'''Dave''': ''[smiles]'' Nope! :''[The spilt champagne reaches the power strip and sparks pop from the power strip, causing a blackout in the house, which startles Dave and Claire]'' :'''Dave''': ''[shocked, before the scene fades to black]'' I'm gonna say it. '''''ALVIN!!!!!!''''' :'''Alvin''': ''[last line, offscreen]'' '''OKAY!''''' :''[end text]'' :{{mono|This film is dedicated to [[w:Ross Bagdasarian|Ross Bagdasarian, Sr.]] who was crazy enough to invent [[w:Alvin and the Chipmunks|three singing chipmunks]] nearly fifty years ago.}} == Taglines== * Here comes trouble. * They're back and bigger than ever. Christmas * The original entourage. * The Last Man Home.......Is Not Alone. * Things are going to get messy. * Watch out, cause here they come * Get your squeak on! == Cast == * [[w:Jason Lee (actor)|Jason Lee]] — David Seville * [[David Cross]] — Ian Hawke * [[Cameron Richardson]] — Claire Wilson * [[w:Jane Lynch|Jane Lynch]] — Gail * [[w:Justin Long|Justin Long]] — Voice of Alvin Seville * [[w:Matthew Gray Gubler|Matthew Gray Gubler]] — Voice of Simon Seville * [[w:Jesse McCartney|Jesse McCartney]] — Voice of Theodore Seville == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0952640|title=Alvin and the Chipmunks}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=1184827-alvin_and_the_chipmunks}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2007 American films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]] [[Category:Alvin and the Chipmunks films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films directed by Tim Hill]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] 7omxchxlvenclkyi77bs708cetcxe06 0 81743 3954153 3874255 2026-06-18T14:56:22Z Ficaia 3085955 expand 3954153 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Elizabeth Bishop, 1964 (cropped).jpg|thumb|It is like what we imagine knowledge to be:<br>dark, salt, clear, moving, utterly free,<br>drawn from the cold hard mouth<br>of the world, derived from the rocky breasts<br>forever, flowing and drawn, and since<br>our knowledge is historical, flowing, and flown.]] '''[[w:Elizabeth Bishop|Elizabeth Bishop]]''' ([[February 8]], [[1911]] – [[October 6]], [[1979]]) was the [[w:United States Poet Laureate|Poet Laureate of the United States]] from 1949 to 1950. She won a [[w:Pulitzer Prize|Pulitzer Prize]] in 1956. == Quotes == === ''North & South'' (1946) === :<small>'''Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.'''</small> [[File:Elizabeth Bishop writing at her desk in the Library’s Poetry Office (circa 1949-1950).jpg|thumb|The armored cars of dreams contrived to let us do<br>so many a dangerous thing.]] * This iceberg cuts its facets from within.<br>Like jewelry from a grave<br>it saves itself perpetually and adorns<br>Only itself. ** "The Imaginary Iceberg", st. 3 * Icebergs behoove the soul<br>(both being self-made from elements least visible)<br>to see them so: fleshed, fair, erected, indivisible. ** "The Imaginary Iceberg", st. 3 * &nbsp;&nbsp; Until everything<br>was rainbow, rainbow, rainbow!<br>And I let the fish go. ** "The Fish" * Topography displays no favorites; North's as near as West.<br>More delicate than the historians' are the map-makers' colors. ** "The Map" * The armored cars of dreams contrived to let us do<br>so many a dangerous thing. ** "Sleeping Standing Up" * From a magician's midnight sleeve<br>the radio-singers<br>distribute all their love-songs<br>over the dew-wet lawns. ** "Late Air". First published in ''Partisan Review'', vol. 5, no. 3 (Aug.–Sep. 1938), p. 64 === ''Poems: North & South—A Cold Spring'' (1955) === :<small>'''Boston: Houghton Mifflin Co.'''</small> * Cold dark deep and absolutely clear,<br>element bearable to no mortal,<br>to fish and to seals... ** "At the Fishhouses" * It is like what we imagine knowledge to be:<br>dark, salt, clear, moving, utterly free,<br>drawn from the cold hard mouth<br>of the world, derived from the rocky breasts<br>forever, flowing and drawn, and since<br>our knowledge is historical, flowing, and flown. ** "At the Fishhouses" * The big fish tubs are completely lined<br>with layers of beautiful herring scales<br>and the wheelbarrows are similarly plastered<br>with creamy iridescent coats of mail,<br>with small iridescent flies crawling on them. ** "At the Fishhouses" * From Brooklyn, over the Brooklyn Bridge, on this fine morning,<br>please come flying. ** "Invitation to Miss Marianne Moore" === ''Questions of Travel'' (1965) === :<small>'''New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux'''</small> * &nbsp;&nbsp; Should we have stayed at home,<br>wherever that may be? ** "Questions of Travel". First published in ''The New Yorker'' (Jan. 14, 1956) * ''Time to plant tears'', says the almanac.<br>The grandmother sings to the marvelous stove<br>and the child draws another inscrutable house. ** "Sestina". First published in ''The New Yorker'' (Sep. 15, 1956) * The ancient owls' nest must have burned.<br>Hastily, all alone,<br>a glistening armadillo left the scene,<br>rose-flecked, head down, tail down. ** "The Armadillo" * &nbsp;&nbsp; The staring sailor<br>that shakes his watch<br>that tells the time<br>of the poet, the man<br>that lies in the house of Bedlam. ** "Visits to St. Elizabeths", st. 11 === ''Geography III'' (1976) === :<small>'''New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux'''</small> [[File:Elizabeth Bishop House, Key West, FL.jpg|thumb|The art of losing isn’t hard to master.]] * I knew that nothing stranger<br>had ever happened. ** "In the Waiting Room" * Why should I be my aunt,<br>or me, or anyone?<br>What similarities—<br>boots, hands, the family voice<br>I felt in my throat, or even<br>the ''National Geographic''<br>and those awful hanging breasts—<br>held us all together<br>or made us all just one? ** "In the Waiting Room" * How had I come to be here<br>like them, and overhear<br>a cry of pain that could have<br>got loud and worse but hadn’t? ** "In the Waiting Room" * Home-made, home-made! But aren’t we all? ** "Crusoe in England" * &nbsp;&nbsp; I’d have<br>nightmares of other islands<br>stretching away from mine, infinities<br>of islands, islands spawning islands<br>like frogs’ eggs turning into polliwogs<br>of islands, knowing that I had to live<br>on each and every one, eventually,<br>for ages, registering their flora,<br>their fauna, their geography. ** "Crusoe in England" * And Friday, my dear Friday, died of measles<br>seventeen years ago come March. ** "Crusoe in England" * The art of losing isn’t hard to master;<br>so many things seem filled with the intent<br>to be lost that their loss is no disaster.{{pb}}Lose something every day. Accept the fluster<br>of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.<br>The art of losing isn’t hard to master. ** "One Art". Also in ''The New Yorker'' (Apr. 26, 1976) * Life and the memory of it so compressed<br>they've turned into each other. ** "Poem" == Quotes about Bishop == * I love Elizabeth Bishop, and I think that in Latin America she's really well known. I think she's much more well known than Lowell, I think because of her experience in Brazil...I think that [[Brazil]] allowed Elizabeth Bishop to be herself. ** [[Marjorie Agosín]], [https://blackbird.vcu.edu/v3n2/nonfiction/agosin_m/agosin_interview_text.htm Interview], ''blackbird.vcu.edu'' (2004) * I had felt drawn, but also repelled, by Bishop's early work—I mean repel in the sense of refusing access, seeming to push away. In part, my difficulties with her were difficulties in the poetry, of Bishop as a young poet finding her own level and her own language. But in part they were difficulties I brought with me, as a still younger woman poet already beginning to question sexual identity, looking for a female genealogy, still not yet consciously lesbian. I had not then connected the themes of outsiderhood and marginality in her work, as well as its encodings and obscurities, with a lesbian identity. I was looking for a clear female tradition; the tradition I was discovering was diffuse, elusive, often cryptic. Yet, especially given the times and customs of the 1940s and 1950s, Bishop's work now seems to me remarkably honest and courageous. Women poets searching for older contemporaries in that period were supposed to look to "Miss" [[Marianne Moore]] as the paradigm of what a woman poet might accomplish, and, after her, to "Miss" Bishop. Both had been selected and certified by the literary establishment, which was, as now, white, male, and at least ostensibly heterosexual. Elizabeth Bishop's name was spoken, her books reviewed with deep respect. But attention was paid to her triumphs, her perfections, not to her struggles for self-definition and her sense of difference. In this way, her reputation made her less, rather than more, available to me. The infrequency of her public appearances and her geographic remoteness-living for many years in Brazil, with a woman as it happened, but we didn't know that-made her an indistinct and a problematic life model for a woman poet. ** [[Adrienne Rich]], ''Blood, Bread, and Poetry'' (1986) * Until recently this female anger and this furious awareness of the Man's power over her were not available materials to the female poet, who tended to write of Love as the source of her suffering, and to view that victimization by Love as an almost inevitable fate. Or, like [[Marianne Moore]] and Elizabeth Bishop, she kept sexuality at a measured and chiseled distance in her poems. ** Adrienne Rich, ''On Lies, Secrets and Silence'' (1979) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bishop, Elizabeth}} [[Category:20th-century poets from the United States]] [[Category:Short story writers from the United States]] [[Category:Women authors from the United States]] [[Category:Women academics from the United States]] [[Category:Pulitzer Prize winners]] [[Category:Translators from the United States]] [[Category:LGBT people]] [[Category:1911 births]] [[Category:1979 deaths]] [[Category:Poets from Massachusetts]] [[Category:National Book Award winners]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Massachusetts Institute of Technology faculty]] [[Category:Vassar College alumni]] 7ulrrg4ado6fad1jh0dje1vrdx1eqjn 8 94019 3954161 3948079 2026-06-18T15:23:57Z Codename Noreste 3154048 Updating the icon per the talk page. 3954161 wikitext text/x-wiki <div class="mw-parser-output">{{fmbox | type = system | id = sp-contributions-footer | image = [[File:User-info.svg|40px|User info|link=File:User-info.svg]] | textstyle = font-size: 90%; text-align: center; | text = {{flatlist|1= * [[Special:PrefixIndex/User:{{{1|$1}}}/|Subpages]] * [{{fullurl:Special:ListUsers|limit=1&username={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}}} User rights] * Global: [{{fullurl:Special:GlobalUsers|limit=1&username={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}}} rights] * [[Special:CentralAuth/{{{1|$1}}}|accounts]] * <span style="white-space: nowrap;">Edit counter: [//tools.wmflabs.org/supercount/index.php?user={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}&project=en.wikiquote supercount]</span> * <span style="white-space: nowrap;">[//tools.wmflabs.org/guc/?user={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}&blocks=true global contribs]</span> }} }}</div> ndfstkwmgprigerpr5w3e7fe8hzjq1l 3954164 3954161 2026-06-18T15:29:38Z Codename Noreste 3154048 Adding links to page creations (and redirects). 3954164 wikitext text/x-wiki <div class="mw-parser-output">{{fmbox | type = system | id = sp-contributions-footer | image = [[File:User-info.svg|40px|User info|link=File:User-info.svg]] | textstyle = font-size: 90%; text-align: center; | text = {{flatlist|1= * [[Special:PrefixIndex/User:{{{1|$1}}}/|Subpages]] * [{{fullurl:Special:ListUsers|limit=1&username={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}}} User rights] * [[xtools:pages/en.wikiquote.org/{{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}|PATH}}|Pages created]]&nbsp;[[xtools:pages/en.wikiquote.org/{{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}/0/onlyredirects|PATH}}|^(redirects)]] * Global: [{{fullurl:Special:GlobalUsers|limit=1&username={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}}} rights] * [[Special:CentralAuth/{{{1|$1}}}|accounts]] * <span style="white-space: nowrap;">Edit counter: [//tools.wmflabs.org/supercount/index.php?user={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}&project=en.wikiquote supercount]</span> * <span style="white-space: nowrap;">[//tools.wmflabs.org/guc/?user={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}&blocks=true global contribs]</span> }} }}</div> 5v60cd20gd74phypevcw42po2nf8llr 3954166 3954164 2026-06-18T15:32:52Z Codename Noreste 3154048 On second thought, I am removing the link of the user's redirect creations. 3954166 wikitext text/x-wiki <div class="mw-parser-output">{{fmbox | type = system | id = sp-contributions-footer | image = [[File:User-info.svg|40px|User info|link=File:User-info.svg]] | textstyle = font-size: 90%; text-align: center; | text = {{flatlist|1= * [[Special:PrefixIndex/User:{{{1|$1}}}/|Subpages]] * [{{fullurl:Special:ListUsers|limit=1&username={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}}} User rights] * [[xtools:pages/en.wikiquote.org/{{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}|PATH}}|Pages created]] * Global: [{{fullurl:Special:GlobalUsers|limit=1&username={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}}} rights] * [[Special:CentralAuth/{{{1|$1}}}|accounts]] * <span style="white-space: nowrap;">Edit counter: [//tools.wmflabs.org/supercount/index.php?user={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}&project=en.wikiquote supercount]</span> * <span style="white-space: nowrap;">[//tools.wmflabs.org/guc/?user={{urlencode:{{{1|$1}}}}}&blocks=true global contribs]</span> }} }}</div> 6mno3mqrnv6m3fi78f531wmuf9nppmt 0 96464 3954121 3954120 2026-06-18T11:59:20Z Textbaron 3343285 3954121 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Iqbal and son Javid in 1930.jpg|thumb|Allama Iqbal with his son in 1930]] '''{{w|Muhammad Iqbal}}''' (9 November 1877 – 21 April 1938), widely known as '''Allama Iqbal''' ({{lang|ur|{{Nastaliq|علامہ اقبال}}}}), was a poet, [[philosopher]], and politician, as well as an academic, barrister and scholar in the [[British Raj]]. He is considered one of the most important figures in [[w:Urdu literature|Urdu literature]], with literary work in both the [[Urdu]] and [[Persian language|Persian]] languages. ==Quotes== *To this convention you must re-state as clearly and as strongly as possible, the political objective of Indian Muslims as a distinct political unit in the country. It is absolutely necessary to tell the world both inside and outside India that the economic problem is not the only problem in the country. From the Muslim point of view the cultural problem is of much greater consequence to most Indian Muslims. At any rate it is not less important than the economic problem. **letter by Sir Muhammad Iqbal to Jinnah pleading with him to summon an all India Muslim convention to take on Nehru’s challenge. quoted in Venkat Dhulipala - Creating a New Medina_ State Power, Islam, and the Quest for Pakistan in Late Colonial North India-Cambridge University Press (2015) 67 * The immediacy of [[mystic]] experience simply means that we know [[God]] just as we know other objects. God is not a [[Mathematics|mathematical]] entity or a system of [[concept]]s mutually related to one another and having no reference to [[experience]]. ** ''[https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Reconstruction_of_Religious_Thought/uCh14nl09jkC?hl=en The Reconstruction of Religious Thought in Islam]'' (1930), p. 14 * Ends and purposes, whether they exist as [[Consciousness|conscious]] or [[subconscious]] tendencies, form the warp and woof of our conscious experience. ** ''[https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Reconstruction_of_Religious_Thought/uCh14nl09jkC?hl=en The Reconstruction of Religious Thought in Islam]'' (1930), p. 42 * "[[Muhammad]] of Arabia ascended the highest [[Heaven]] and returned. I swear by God that if I had reached that point, I should never have returned.” These are the words of a great Muslim saint, ‘[[w:Abdul Quddus Gangohi|Abd al-Quddūs of Gangoh]]. In the whole range of [[Sufism|Sufi]] literature it will be probably difficult to find words which, in a single sentence, disclose such an acute perception of the psychological difference between the prophetic and the mystic types of consciousness. The mystic does not wish to return from the repose of “unitary experience”; and even when he does return, as he must, his return does not mean much for mankind at large. ** ''[https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Reconstruction_of_Religious_Thought/uCh14nl09jkC?hl=en The Reconstruction of Religious Thought in Islam]'' (1930), p. 99 * It cannot be denied that [[Islam]], regarded as an ethical ideal plus a certain kind of polity – by which expression I mean a social structure regulated by a legal system and animated by a specific ethical ideal – has been the chief formative factor in the life-history of the [[Islam in India|Muslims of India]]. It has furnished those basic [[emotions]] and [[Loyalty|loyalties]] which gradually unify scattered individuals and groups, and finally transform them into a well-defined people, possessing a moral consciousness of their own. ** Sir Muhammad Iqbal’s 1930 Presidential Address to the 25th Session of the All-India Muslim League, Allahabad, 29 December 1930 (from [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00islamlinks/txt_iqbal_1930.html University of Columbia website]) * The principle that each group is entitled to its free development on its own lines is not inspired by any feeling of narrow [[communalism]]. There are communalisms and communalisms. A community which is inspired by feelings of ill-will towards other communities is low and ignoble. I entertain the highest respect for the customs, laws, religious and social institutions of other communities. Nay, it is my duty, according to the teaching of the Quran, even to defend their places of worship, if need be. Yet I love the communal group which is the source of my life and behaviour; and which has formed me what I am by giving me its religion, its literature, its thought, its culture, and thereby recreating its whole past as a living operative factor, in my present consciousness. Even the authors of the {{w|Nehru Report}} recognise the value of this higher aspect of communalism. ** Sir Muhammad Iqbal’s 1930 Presidential Address to the 25th Session of the All-India Muslim League, Allahabad, 29 December 1930 (from [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00islamlinks/txt_iqbal_1930.html University of Columbia website]). Quoted by {{w|Zafar Anjum}} in [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Iqbal/infNBAAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=0 ''Iqbal: The Life of a Poet, Philosopher and Politician''] (2014). * "I would like to see the [[Punjab]], North-West Frontier Province, [[Sindh|Sind]] and [[w:Balochistan|Baluchistan]] amalgamated into a single State. Self-government within the [[British Empire]], or without the British Empire, the formation of a consolidated North-West Indian Muslim State appears to me to be the final destiny of the Muslims, at least of North-West India. ** Sir Muhammad Iqbal’s 1930 Presidential Address to the 25th Session of the All-India Muslim League, Allahabad, 29 December 1930 (from [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00islamlinks/txt_iqbal_1930.html University of Columbia website]) Also quoted in Talib, S. G. S. (1950). Muslim League Attack on Sikhs and Hindus in the Punjab, 1947. Amritshar: Shiromani Gurdwara Parbandhak Committee. p.3 * I have already indicated to you the meaning of the word [[religion]], as applied to Islam. The truth is that Islam is not a [[Church]]. It is a [[State]] conceived as a contractual organism long before [[Jean-Jacques Rousseau|Rousseau]] ever thought of such a thing, and animated by an ethical ideal which regards man not as an earth-rooted creature, defined by this or that portion of the earth, but as a spiritual being understood in terms of a social mechanism, and possessing rights and duties as a living factor in that mechanism. ** Sir Muhammad Iqbal’s 1930 Presidential Address to the 25th Session of the All-India Muslim League, Allahabad, 29 December 1930 (from [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00islamlinks/txt_iqbal_1930.html University of Columbia website]) * [[Muslims]] are we, the country is ours, [[China]] and Arabia is ours, India is ours. Under the shadow of swords we have grown up. The crescent scabbard is our national emblem. **Mohammed Iqbal , circa 1930, Ved Mehta "Coming Down", India , Granta 57 (London: Granta, 1997), p. 148. quoted in Savarkar and The Discourse on Islam in Pre-independent India, Amalendu Misra. Source: Journal of Asian History, Vol. 33, No. 2 (1999) * [T]he tyranny of [[imperialism]] struts abroad, covering its face under the masks of [[Democracy]], [[Nationalism]], [[Communism]], [[Fascism]] and heaven knows what else besides. Under these masks, in every corner of the earth, the spirit of [[freedom]] and the dignity of man are being trampled underfoot in a way to which not even the darkest period of human history presents a parallel. The so-called statesmen to whom government and leadership of men was entrusted have proved demons of bloodshed, tyranny and oppression. ... After subjugating and establishing their dominion over weaker peoples, they have robbed them of their possessions, of their religions, their morals, of their cultural traditions and their literatures. ** New Year's message broadcast on All-India Radio, 1938. Quoted in ''[https://www.google.com/books/edition/The_Political_Philosophy_of_Muhammad_Iqb/VrItm_F6wncC?hl=en The Political Philosophy of Muhammad Iqbal]'', p. 199. * My forefathers were [[Brahmin|Brahmins]]. They spent their lives in search of God. I am spending my life in search of [[Human|Man]]. ** ''Educational Thinkers'' [https://books.google.com/books?id=O6Fp2zaQVVMC&pg=PA151&dq=#v=onepage&q&f=false] * Democracy is a system where people are counted but not weighed. ** [[w:Rod of Moses|''Zarb-i-Kalim'' (The Rod of Moses)]] (1935) ** This specific wording as quoted in ''Voices of Resurgent Islam'' (1983), Oxford University Press, [[John Esposito]], p. 180 ** Variant rendering: "Democracy is a system in which heads are counted but not weighed." As quoted in Elst, K. ''Hindu Dharma and the Culture Wars (2019) ** Original Urdu text: جمہوریت اک طرز حکومت ہے کہ جس میں<br>بندوں کو گنا کرتے ہیں، تولا نہیں کرتے{{citation needed}} ** This is a paraphrase of / reference to a quotation from [[Friedrich Schiller]] * Human [[intellect]] is natures attempt at self criticism. ** [http://www.allamaiqbal.com/poet/prose/english/stray.pdf ''Stray Reflections''] * [[Nations]] are born in the hearts of [[poets]]; they prosper and die in the hands of [[politicians]]. ** [http://www.allamaiqbal.com/poet/prose/english/stray.pdf ''Stray Reflections''] * Every land which belongs to God is our land. ** As quoted in Islam and Nationalism, Dr. Ali Mohammed Naqvi. ** Variant: "All land belongs to Muslims, because it belongs to their God." in : JPRS Report: Near East & South Asia, 93067 Foreign Broadcast Information Service, 1993 [https://books.google.com/books?id=rki6AAAAIAAJ] * Heart – “It is absolutely certain that God does exist.”<br>Head – “But, my dear boy! Existence is one of my categories, and you have no right to use it.”<br>Heart – “So much the better, my Aristotle!” ** [http://www.allamaiqbal.com/poet/prose/english/stray.pdf ''Stray Reflections''] *[[Aurangzeb|Shah Alamgir]], that high and mighty king, <br>Pride and renown of Gurgan Timur’s line,<br>In whom Islam attained a loftier fame<br>And wider honour graced the [[Sharia|Prophet’s Law]],<br>He the last arrow to our quiver left<br>In the affray of Faith with Unbelief ;<br>When that the impious seed of heresy,<br>By [[Akbar]] nourished, sprang and sprouted fresh <br>In [[Dara Shukoh|Dara]]’s soul, the candle of the heart <br>Was dimmed in every breast, no more secure<br>Against corruption our Community<br>Continued ; then God chose from India<br>That humble-minded warrior, Alamgir,<br>Religion to revive, faith to renew.<br>The lightning of his sword set all ablaze<br>The harvest of impiety ; faith’s torch<br>Once more its radiance o’er our counsels shed. **The Secrets of Selflessness, Emperor Alamgir and the Tiger * Overflowing with the wine of Truth is the cup of [[India]]<br/>All [[Philosophy|philosophers]] of the Western world have acknowledged India<br/>It is the result of the elegant thinking of Indians<br/>That higher than the sky is the position of India<br/>This country has had many people of angelic disposition<br/>On whose account world renowned is the name of India<br/>India is proud of the existence of [[Rama]]<br/>Spiritual people consider him prelate of India<br/>This alone is the miracle of this light of [[righteousness]]<br/>That brighter than world’s morning is the evening of India<br/>He was expert in sword craft, was unique in bravery<br/>Was matchless in piety and in the enthusiasm of love. ** [http://www.allamaiqbal.com/poetry.php?bookbup=22&orderno=112&lang_code=en&lang=2&conType=en Rama]. Translated by: M.A.K. Khalil. ** Variant: "The cup of India is brimful of the wine of truth. All philosophers of the western world (have acknowleged) Rāma of India. It is the result of elegant thoughts of Indians that the loftiness of India is higher than the sky.In this country thousands of persons with angelic worth were born and on account of them the name of India is so famous. India is proud of the existence of [[Rama|Rāma]]. Discerning minds regard him as the Imam of India. It is the miracle of this light of righteousness that India’s evening is brighter than world’s morning." Muhammad Iqbal, in an Urdu poem captioned ‘Raam’ which is compiled in his book ‘Bang-e-Dara’. quoted in Kishore, Kunal (2016). Ayodhyā revisited. * Our India is the best of all countries in the world. * China and Arabia are ours, India is ours,<br>Muslims we are, the whole world is ours... * O water of the river Ganges, thou rememberst the day<br>When our torrent flooded thy valleys... **quoted in Annemarie Schimmel - Gabriel's Wing_ Study into the Religious Ideas of Sir Muhammad Iqbal (1989, Iqbal Academy) also in Jain, M. (2010). Parallel pathways: Essays on Hindu-Muslim relations, 1707-1857. * [Iqbal elaborated that nationalism came into conflict with Islam] only when it begins to play the role of a political concept and claims to be a principle of human solidarity demanding that Islam should recede to the background of a mere private opinion and cease to be a living factor in the national life. ... In majority countries, Islam accomodates nationalism, for there Islam and nationalism are practically identical, in minority countries it is justified in seeking self-determination as a cultural unit. **Muhammad Iqbal quoted in R. Hassan 1971, 146, in Iqbal Poet Philospher of Pakistan, also in Jain, M. (2010). Parallel pathways: Essays on Hindu-Muslim relations, 1707-1857. [https://archive.org/stream/in.ernet.dli.2015.51949/2015.51949.Speeches-And-Statements-Of-Iqbal_djvu.txt] *The history of the preceding Muslim dynasties had taught Aurangzeb that the strength of Islam did not depend ... so much on the goodwill of the people of this land as on the strength of the ruling race. **quoted in Jain, M. (2010). Parallel pathways: Essays on Hindu-Muslim relations, 1707-1857. p 15ff quoting Malik 1971 === ''{{w|Shikwa and Jawab-e-Shikwa}}'' === * Why must I forever lose, forever forgo profit that is my due,<br/>Sunk in the gloom of evenings past, no plans for the morrow pursue.<br/>Why must I all attentive be to the nightingale's lament?<br/>Friend, am I as dumb as a flower? Must I remain silent?<br/>My theme makes me bold, makes my tongue more eloquent.<br/>Dust be in my mouth, against Allah I make complaint. ** ''[https://archive.org/details/ShikwaJawabIShikwaIqbalsDialogueWithAllahTrKhushwantSinghIqbal Shikwa and Jawab-i-Shikwa (Complaint and Answer): Iqbal's Dialogue with Allah]'', translated by [[Khushwant Singh]], p. 28. ** Variant:<br/>"Why would I become a loss-causer, would I remain a gain-forgetter?<br/>Would I not think of tomorrow, would I remain absorbed in the grief of yesterday?<br/>Would I listen to the lament of the Nightingale, and would I remain all ears?<br/>Fellow-singer! Am I too some rose, that I would remain silent?<br/>I have my courage-{taught/teaching} power of speech<br/>I have-- dust be in my mouth!-- a complaint against Allah."<br/>From [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00urdu/iqbal/shikvah0105.html University of Columbia website] *Would we have played with our lives for nothing but worldly gain?<br/> If our people had run after earth's goods and gold,<br/>Need they have smashed idols, and not idols sold? **Shikwa. [https://archive.org/details/ShikwaJawabIShikwaIqbalsDialogueWithAllahTrKhushwantSinghIqbal] *You tell us who were they who pulled down the gates of Khyber?<br/>Who were they that reduced the city that was the pride of Caesar?<br/>Fake gods that men had made, who did break and shatter?<br/>Who routed infidel armies and destroyed them with bloody slaughter?<br/>Who put out and made cold the 'sacred' flame in Iran?<br/>Who retold the story of the one God, Yazdan? ** (Singh, p. 36) *And even the Angels could not tell what was that voice so strange,<br/> Whose secret seemed to lie beyond Celestial wisdom’s range. **Shikwa. [https://archive.org/details/ShikwaJawabIShikwaIqbalsDialogueWithAllahTrKhushwantSinghIqbal * Let the lament of this lonely bulbul pierce the hearts of all,<br/>Arouse the hearts of the sleeping, with this my clarion call.<br/>Transfused with fresh blood, a new compact of faith we'll sign.<br/>Let our hearts thirst again for a sip of the vintage wine.<br/>What if the pitcher be Persian, from [[w:Hejaz|Hejaz]] is the wine I serve.<br/>What if the song be Indian, it is Hejazi in its verve. ** (Singh, p. 58) ** Variant:<br/>"May hearts be torn by the voice of this solitary Nightingale,<br/>May hearts be awakening through the sound of this same bell.<br/>That is, may hearts become alive again through a new promise of faithfulness,<br/>May hearts again thirst for this same ancient wine.<br/>If there's a Persian cask, then so what? --my wine is Hijazi,<br/>If the melody is Indian ["Hindi"], then so what? --my tune is Hijazi."<br/>From [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00urdu/iqbal/shikvah2631.html University of Columbia website] ** Variant: "No matter if my idiom is Indian, my spirit is that of [[w:Hejaz|Hejaz]]." in Elst, Koenraad (2014). Decolonizing the Hindu mind: Ideological development of Hindu revivalism. New Delhi: Rupa. p. 343. == Quotes about Iqbal == * This is not a letter on [[Pakistan]]. If it were, I could have written a small book entitled "Glimpses of Pakistan's history". Time does not permit it. The nation is gripped in her worst crisis, standing in the middle of the road between survival and disintegration. Since the birth of Pakistan, crisis has followed crisis in rapid escalation. Millions of lives were sacrificed to create this country. Pakistan is said to be the dream of Mohammad Iqbal and the creation of [[Muhammad Ali Jinnah]], the Quaid-e-Azam. Was anything wrong with the dream or with the one who made the dream come true? Opinions have differed and continue to differ. The next few years will most probably decide the issue, perhaps once and for all, and not without bloodshed. This process is not inevitable but the present policies of the ruling junta are driving this country towards a sad inevitability ** [[Zulfikar Ali Bhutto]], letter to his daughter (1978), p. 37 * Iqbal is one of the eminent personalities in the [[w:Islamic_history|history of Islam]]. His is such a profound and sublime personality that it cannot be described and measured by only one Dimension of his life. Iqbal was a scholar and a philosopher, but at the same time other dimensions of his life are also so bright that if we consider him to be just a philosopher and a scholar, we feel that we have belittled him. Undoubtedly Iqbal is a great poet and is reckoned among the greatest. Those who know Urdu very well and have written about Iqbal’s Urdu poetry maintain that Iqbal's Urdu poems are among the best in Urdu. Of course this may not be a great tribute to him as the poetic Tradition of Urdu is not so rich. But it cannot be disputed that his Urdu poetry made a great impact on large numbers of people, on [[Hindu|Hindus]] and [[Muslim|Muslims]] equally, living in the [[South Asia|Subcontinent]] during the early decades of the twentieth century, and motivated them to participate in the struggle (for freedom) that was reaching its climax. ** [[Ali Khamenei]] (March 10–12, 1986), ''First International Conference on Iqbal'' in [https://www.icit-digital.org/articles/iqbal-the-poet-philosopher-of-islamic-resurgence Iqbal, the Poet-Philosopher of Islamic Resurgence] *Iqbal is buried in the grounds of the Shah Jehan Mosque in Lahore; and soldiers watch his tomb. Rhetoric or sentimentality like that is invariably worrying; it hides things. And the tomb, with its Mogul motifs, would be a kind of artistic sacrilege if, just across the way, the great Mogul fort of Lahore (the emperor’s window there recorded in some of the finest Mogul pictures) wasn’t falling into dust; if, in that same city of Lahore, the Mogul Shalimar Gardens and the tombs of the emperor Jehangir and his consort were not in absolute decay; if, going back four centuries, the delicately colored tiled towers of the thirteenth-century tombs of Uch in Bahawalpur, one of the finest Islamic things in the subcontinent, were not half washed away; if, going back further still, the land just around the Buddhist city of Taxila, known to Alexander the Great, and with once fabulous remains, wasn’t being literally quarried; if Pakistan, still pursuing imperialist Islamic fantasies, hadn’t been responsible for the final looting of the Buddhist treasures of Afghanistan. <br>In its short life Iqbal’s religious state, still half serf, still profoundly uneducated, mangling history in its schoolbooks as well, undoing the polity it was meant to serve, had shown itself dedicated only to the idea of the cultural desert here, with glory—of every kind—elsewhere. **Naipaul, V.S. - Beyond Belief (Vintage, 1999) *AND yet it was strange, the Arab tilt of Pakistan: the little boy in Arab clothes, the Pakistan Steel project given the name of the Arab conqueror. The poet Iqbal, putting forward his plan for an Indian Muslim state in 1930, had said that the Islam of India was special, “a people-building force … at its best.” “I therefore demand the formation of a consolidated Muslim state in the best interests of India and Islam,” Iqbal had said. “For India, it means security and peace …; for Islam, an opportunity to rid itself of the stamp that Arabian imperialism was forced to give it.”<br>But the world had changed since 1930; Arabia had some say in the world again. Pakistan had changed since 1947. Seeking more than Iqbal’s Muslim polity now, seeking in failure an impossibly pure faith, it called up its Arabian origins, mystical but at the same time real. At Banbhore, a remote outpost of the earliest Arab empires, you walked on human bones. ** Naipaul, V.S. - Among the Believers (Vintage, 1982) *Iqbal comes forward as an apostle, if not to his own age, then to posterity— “I have no need of the ear of To-day, I am the voice of the poet of To-morrow”— *The Secrets of The Self (ASRÁR-I KHUDÍ) Translated from the original Persian with introduction and notes by Reynold A. Nicholson, LITT.D., LL.D. lecturer on Persian at the University of Cambridge, 1920 *Siddiqui Sahib told me that Allama Iqbal is to India what Goethe is to Germany. To occupy a position in his house was a great honour, and if I accepted it, I would be rendering a great service to the Indian Muslims. ** Ahmad, Doris - Iqbal As I knew Him (Iqbal Academy Pakistan, 1986) == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{Commonscat-inline|Muhammad Iqbal}} *{{Wikisource-inline|Author:Muhammad Iqbal}} * [http://www.columbia.edu/itc/mealac/pritchett/00urdu/iqbal Iqbal: some of his most notable Urdu poems - Columbia University] {{Conservative intellectuals}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Iqbal, Muhammad}} [[Category:1877 births]] [[Category:1938 deaths]] [[Category:Leaders of the Pakistan Movement]] [[Category:People of British India]] [[Category:Politicians from India]] [[Category:Politicians from Pakistan]] [[Category:Revolutionaries]] [[Category:Theologians from Pakistan]] [[Category:Muslims from India]] [[Category:Muslims from Pakistan]] [[Category:Philosophers from India]] [[Category:Poets from India]] [[Category:Poets from Pakistan]] [[Category:People from Punjab (Pakistan)]] [[Category:Academics from India]] [[Category:Academics from Pakistan]] [[Category:Theologians from India]] [[Category:Poets from India]] [[Category:Urdu-language poets]] [[Category:Persian-language writers]] [[Category:Urdu literature]] [[Category:Punjabi people]] p20kj9c5hsw923kyqn6m8y7t07kbz5q 0 97569 3954281 3897143 2026-06-18T20:51:51Z ~2026-23137-91 3311059 /* Frank Cotton */ 3954281 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''Hellraiser'' (film)}} [[File:Special Edition NYC 2015 - Pinhead (18519207906).jpg|thumb|No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering.]] '''''[[w:Hellraiser|Hellraiser]]''''' is a [[w:1987 in film|1987]] British science fiction horror film written and directed by Clive Barker produced by Christopher Figg, based on Clive Barker's novella ''[[w:The Hellbound Heart|The Hellbound Heart]]''. {{center|'''It will tear your soul apart.'''<small> ([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Pinhead == [[File:Hellraiser Puzzle Box.jpg|thumb|The box. You opened it. We came.]] * The box. You opened it. We came. * You solved the box. We came. Now you must come with us. Taste our pleasures! * No tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering. * We have such sights to show you! * We'll tear your soul apart! * This isn't for your eyes! * Ah, the suffering. The sweet, sweet suffering. * Frank. * I want to hear him confess himself. Then, maybe. ''Maybe''. * Don't do that! * Many, many times. * No time for argument. * Nobody escapes us. == Frank Cotton == * Come here. Come here, damn you, I want to touch you. * I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits... pain and pleasure, indivisible. * Come to Daddy. * (As he is torn apart) Jesus wept. * Give me the box. == Dialogue == :'''Kirsty Cotton''': Who are you? :'''Pinhead''': Explorers in the further regions of experience. Demons to some. Angels to others. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kirsty Cotton''': It's just a puzzle box! :'''Pinhead''': Oh, no. It is a means to summon us. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kirsty Cotton''': Go to Hell! :'''Female Cenobite''': We can't, not alone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pinhead''': We came. Now you must come with us. Taste our pleasures. Please... :'''Kirsty Cotton''': Go away and leave me alone! :'''Pinhead''': Oh, no tears, please. It's a waste of good suffering. == Taglines == * We'll tear your soul apart. * There are no limits. * Satan's done waitin'. * We have such sights to show you. * Demons to some, Angels to others... * The box! You opened it, We came. == Cast == * [[w:Doug Bradley|Doug Bradley]] - [[w:Pinhead (Hellraiser)|Pinhead]] * [[w:Andrew Robinson|Andrew Robinson]] - Larry Cotton * [[w:Clare Higgins|Clare Higgins]] - Julia Cotton * [[w:Ashley Laurence|Ashley Laurence]] - [[w:Kirsty Cotton|Kirsty Cotton]] * [[w:Sean Chapman|Sean Chapman]] - Frank Cotton (voiced over by Bob Sessions) * [[w:Oliver Smith|Oliver Smith]] - Frank the Monster == See also == * ''[[Hellbound: Hellraiser II]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Bloodline]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Inferno]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Hellseeker]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Deader]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Hellworld]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Revelations]]'' * ''[[Hellraiser: Judgment]]'' * ''Hellraiser'' (2022 remake) == External links == {{wikipedia|Hellraiser}} * {{imdb title|id=0093177|title=Hellraiser}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=hellraiser|title=Hellraiser}} [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:Films based on novels]] [[Category:Religious horror films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:1987 films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Censored films]] [[Category:Films about sadomasochism]] [[Category:Films about torture]] j0uz1mubb4bumtp8xoybx7fergyqg5a 0 98397 3954248 3953870 2026-06-18T19:07:09Z LazarescoDenis 3342971 3954248 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''[[:w:Prey (2006 video game)|Prey]]''''' is a 2006 [[:w:first-person shooter|first-person shooter]] [[:w:video game|video game]] developed by [[:w:Human Head Studios|Human Head Studios]] under contract for [[w:3D Realms|3D Realms]], and published by [[w:2K (company)|2K Games]], while the Xbox 360 version was [[w:Porting|ported]] by [[w:Venom Games|Venom Games]]. The game's story is focused on [[:w:Cherokee|Cherokee]] Domasi "Tommy" Tawodi as he, his girlfriend, and grandfather are abducted aboard an alien spaceship known as The Sphere as it consumes material, both inanimate and living, from Earth in order to sustain itself. ==Enisi== *The world is full of stories, and from time to time, they permit themselves to be told. ==Trailer<ref>[http://cosmos.bcst.yahoo.com/up/yvideogames?cl=3715358]</ref>== *...from the [[:w:High Desert (Oregon)|High Desert]] in the great [[:w:Southwestern_United_States|American Southwest]], I'm [[:w:Art Bell|Art Bell]]. And we're going to start the night by opening up the lines, and I can already tell you, folks, it's going to get very interesting. I'm getting some reports of strange lights in the sky from the [[:w:Oklahoma|Oklahoma]] area. Our [[:w:Network affiliate|affiliate]] in [[:w:Oklahoma City|Oklahoma City]]'s telling us that the [[:w:Oklahoma_Department_of_Public_Safety|State Police]] - get this - are reporting mysterious lights all over the... ::Radio broadcaster [[:w:Art Bell|Art Bell]], on his [[:w:paranormal|paranormal]]-themed radio show ''[[:w:Coast to Coast AM|Coast to Coast AM]]''. ==References== {{reflist}} ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2006 video games]] [[Category:Xbox 360 video games]] bbcdynofd6xg1gy4uweg0ffhoy8ocxt 0 106237 3954296 3936142 2026-06-18T21:27:23Z ~2026-30384-36 3326024 3954296 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Harpe de lumiere.jpg|thumb|right|Why're there so many songs about rainbows<br/> And what's on the other side?]] '''''[[w:The Muppet Movie|The Muppet Movie]]''''' is a 1979 live-action/puppet musical comedy film featuring [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]]'s [[w:Muppet|The Muppets]] in which Kermit and his newfound friends trek across America to find success in Hollywood, but a frog legs merchant is after Kermit. :''Directed by [[w:James Frawley|James Frawley]]. Written by [[w:Jack Burns|Jack Burns]] and [[w:Jerry Juhl|Jerry Juhl]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[First lines]'' :'''Statler''': I'm Statler. :'''Waldorf''': I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie". :'''Gate Guard''': Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D. :'''Statler''': Private screening? :'''Waldorf''': Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public. :''[They laugh as they ride off to the studios]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[rowing his boat]'' HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, Yeah? :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[rowing up to Kermit]'' SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Have you tried Hare Krishna? :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[chuckles]'' No. No, I mean, I'm really lost. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, one second. ''[snaps at fly]'' Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane. :'''Kermit the Frog''': With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Thank you. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Just watch out for the alligators. :'''Bernie the Agent''': I will. ''[widens]'' Alligators?! :'''Kermit the Frog''': That's right. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Did you say "alligators"? :'''Kermit the Frog''': Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors". :'''Bernie the Agent''': It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Hollywood? :'''Bernie the Agent''': That's right. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Did you say "Hollywood"? :'''Bernie the Agent''': Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, ''[singing]'' ''Hollywood''. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies? :'''Kermit the Frog''': Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday. :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[naps his finger]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute. ''[grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read]'' There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks, anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy. :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[wonders]'' Millions of people happy... :'''Bernie the Agent''': Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator? :'''Bernie the Agent''': What?! ''[rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligator pursues him]'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie. :'''Bernie the Agent''': STAY! STAY! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. ''[gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe]'' Wow! Rough place, Huh? :'''The El Sleezo Cafe owner''': That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the earth! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Well, why not complain to the owner? :'''The El Sleezo Cafe owner''': I ''am'' the owner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fozzie and Kermit speed away from Doc Hopper]'' :'''Doc Hopper:''' Max! ''[Max pulls over]'' Follow that frog! ''[Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind]'' ''MAX!!!'' ''[Max stops and reverses the car]'' Follow that frog ''with me in the car!'' :'''Max:''' I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Isn't the frog terrific? :'''Doc Hopper:''' ''[getting in the car]'': Terrific, Max, terrific, now go! :'''Max:''' But you promised me a reward. :'''Doc Hopper:''' Later, Max. Now follow that frog! :''[Max then drives off with Doc Hopper]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fozzie''': Kermit, where're we? :'''Kermit''': ''[looking at a map]'' Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here. :'''Fozzie''': ''[takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map]'' Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh? :'''Kermit''': We can't take that. That's a river. :'''Fozzie''': Oh. I knew that. :'''Kermit''': Yeah sure. :'''Fozzie''': Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and... :'''Kermit''': ''[cutting him off]'' Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie? :'''Fozzie''': Yeah? :'''Kermit''': Who's driving? :''[They looked up, and screamed before Fozzie drives away from crashing the church and stops the car]'' :'''Kermit''': Where did you learn to drive? :'''Fozzie''': I took a correspondence course. ''[backing up next to the church]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[discovering that their car was painted by The Electric Mayhem]'' :'''Fozzie''': I don't know how to thank you guys! :'''Kermit''': I don't know ''why'' to thank you guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sweetums''': Jack not name, Jack Job! :'''Used Car Store owner''': ''[quietly]'' How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers? :'''Sweetums''': Yeah, I know! :'''Used Car Store Owner''': Just move it. You understand? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Beauty Pageant host''': Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy! :'''Charlie McCarthy''': You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks. :'''Edgar Bergen''': Come on, Charlie. It's their movie. :'''Charlie McCarthy:''' So, it is. :''[They both laugh]'' :'''The Beauty Pageant host''': And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beauty Pageant is: MISS PIGGY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': ''[watching Gonzo, who's holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by]'' Gonzo! What're you doing?! :'''Gonzo''': About seven knots! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': ''[giving directions to Fozzie]'' Bear left. :'''Fozzie''': Right frog. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowlf''': Oh. Broken heart, right? :'''Kermit''': ''[sadly]'' Does it show? :'''Rowlf''': Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star. :'''Kermit''': Exactly. She just walked out on me. :'''Rowlf''': Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone. :'''Kermit''': You do, huh? :'''Rowlf''': You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed. :'''Kermit''': Nice and simple. :'''Rowlf''': Stay away from women, that's my motto. :'''Kermit''': But I can't. :'''Rowlf''': Neither can I. That's my trouble. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': ''[over the phone]'' Hello? :''[We see Doc Hopper and the tied-up Miss Piggy]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': Kermie, help! I've been kidnapped! ''[Doc Hopper covers her mouth]'' :'''Kermit''' Uh, Miss Piggy, Is that you? :'''Doc Hopper''': Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you. :'''Kermit''': But what if I don't? :'''Doc Hopper''': Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast. :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muffed screams]'' No, Kermie! Don't, don't... :''[Doc Hopper hangs up the phone and laughs at Miss Piggy. Kermit quietly and nervously enters outside the restaurant, and is held gunpoint by Doc Hopper's henchmen]'' :'''Kermit''': ''[frightened]'' Um, aren't you the guys I'm supposed to meet? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Miss Piggy karate chops the henchmen]'' :'''Doctor Max Krassman''': What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Doctor Max Krassman''': I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it.... :'''Miss Piggy''': HAI-YAH! ''[crashes into the machine]'' Come out, Kermit! :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[in tears of joy]'' Oh, Thank you! :''[Miss Piggy kicks the mad doctor and sets off the machine]'' :'''Doctor Max Krassman''': ''[screams when he leans on the chair]'' Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha! ''[faints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': ''[heard]'' So why did you leave the swamp in the first place? :'''Kermit''': 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow. :'''Kermit''': Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': ''[appears, similar to Kermit, on the rock]'' Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much. :'''Kermit''': No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': ''[walks up to him]'' Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come. :'''Kermit''': But...that's because they believed in me. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': No, they believed in the dream. :'''Kermit''': Well, so do I, but... :'''Kermit's Conscience''': You do? :'''Kermit''': ''[realizes]'' Yeah! Of course I do. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': Well, then? :'''Kermit''': Well, then...I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Floyd Pepper''': When do you dudes have to be at the audition? :'''Kermit the Frog''': 2:00 tomorrow afternoon! :'''Dr. Teeth''': Well, then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': A motorcycle cop is chasing us! ''[we see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus]'' Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over. :'''Dr. Teeth''': Easier ''done'' than ''said''. ''[the police officer gets off his motor cycle]''. Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I.- :'''Miss Piggy''': DON'T! YOU! DARE! :'''Dr. Teeth''': I wouldn't think of it. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Did we do something wrong, Officer? :''[The police officer takes off the helmet and reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend Max]''. :'''Crowd''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, look! :'''Miss Piggy''': Kermit, it's him! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Okay, guys. Let him explain. :'''Max''': This whole disguise is so that I can warn you. :'''Fozzie''' :''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, sure. :'''Max''': I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna ''lean'' on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's ''deadly!'' :''[Everybody gasps]'' :'''Fozzie''': Oh, no! Kermit, what are we gonna do?! :'''Floyd''': It's time to beat feet, green stuff. :'''Fozzie''': Yeah, get out of here, Kermit. :'''Dr. Teeth''': I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Hold it, Dr. Teeth! What's up ahead? :'''Dr. Teeth''': Uh...only an old ghost town. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Fine. ''[to Max]'' Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper, I'll be waiting for him there. :'''Max''': ''[shocked]'' WHAT?!?! :''[Miss Piggy gasps]'' :'''Fozzie''': Kermit, you'll get ''killed!'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': Listen, guys. Listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Animal mighty roars at Doc Hopper and his villains before they're gonna run away]'' :'''Doc Hopper and Clan''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :''[Max, who's not screaming, gives Kermit and the gang thumps up with a smile and leaves]'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[surprised, relieved, then turns to his friends]'' Everybody, on to Hollywood! :''[Muppets cheering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lew Lord, CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios''': ''[to the intercom]'' Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'rich and famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and company. :''[The Muppet Show gang are surprised, and they cheered, while Kermit is stunned with relief]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scooter''': ''[holds the clapboard the wrong way]'' OK, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! ''[hurts his hand from the clapboard]'' Ow! :'''Beaker''': Makeup's ready! :'''Dr. Bunsen Honeydew''': Sound's ready. :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[on Megaphone]'' OK, stand by, here we go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Animal:''' Go home! Go home! Bye-bye. ''[faints]'' :''[Cuts to black]'' ==Cast== * [[w:Charles Durning|Charles Durning]] as Doc Hopper * [[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] as Max * Scott Walker as Snake Walker * Lawrence Gabriel Jr. as a sailor * Ira F. Grubman as a bartender * [[w:H.B. Haggerty|H.B. Haggerty]] as a lumberjack * [[w:Bruce Kirby (actor)|Bruce Kirby]] as a gate guard * Tommy Madden as One-Eyed Midget * [[w:James Frawley|James Frawley]] as a writer * Arnold Roberts as a cowboy === Cameo Guest Stars === * [[w:Caroll Spinney|Caroll Spinney]] as Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch from ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' * [[w:Carol Kane|Carol Kane]] as The Myth * [[w:Edgar Bergen|Edgar Bergen]] as Himself and the voices of Charlie McCarthy * [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] as Mad Man Mooney * [[w:Mel Brooks|Mel Brooks]] as Professor Max Krassman * [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] as the owner of El Sleezo Cafe * [[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] as Bernie the Agent * [[w:Bob Hope|Bob Hope]] as an Ice Cream vendor * [[w:Madeline Kahn|Madeline Kahn]] as a patron at El Sleezo * [[w:Cloris Leachman|Cloris Leachman]] as Lord's Secretary * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] as The Beauty Contest * [[w:Steve Martin|Steve Martin]] as an insolent waiter * [[w:Richard Pryor|Richard Pryor]] as Balloon Vender * [[w:Telly Savalas|Telly Savalas]] as El Sleezo Tough * [[w:Orson Welles|Orson Welles]] as Lew Lord * [[w:Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] as the pianist at El Sleezo ===The Muppet Performers=== *[[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] as Kermit the Frog, Sam, Harry the Hipster, Yorick, Ernie, Guy Smiley, Beautiful Day Monster, Clyde, Lenny the Lizard, Shakey Sanchez, Gloat, Timmy Monster, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, The Swedish Chef and Lubbock Lou * Frank Oz as Fozzie Bear, Bert, Cookie Monster, Grover, Professor Hastings, Mildred Huxhetter, Miss Piggy, George the Janitor, Animal, Marvin Suggs, Sam the Eagle and Gramps * Jerry Nelson as Robin the Frog, Crazy Harry, Uncle Deadly, Sopwith the Camel, Harvey, Tom, Floyd Pepper, Dr. Julius Strangepork, Louis Kazagger, Lew Zealand and Slim Wilson * Richard Hunt as Scooter, Beaker, Behemoth, Wayne, Mel, Janice, Statler, Sweetums and Bubba * Dave Goelz as The Great Gonzo, Brewster, Dick, Duke, Gorgon Heap, Zoot, Beauregard and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew *[[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]] as Rizzo the Rat, Luncheon Counter Monster, Mel, Thog and Zeke == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0079588|The Muppet Movie}} * {{mojo title|muppetmovie|The Muppet Movie}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|muppet_movie|The Muppet Movie}} * {{metacritic film|the-muppet-movie|The Muppet Movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Movie, The}} [[Category:1979 films]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:The Muppets films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Road comedy films]] hzi30jdzu6bpqs83k1m3jeyit5rsni5 3954298 3954296 2026-06-18T21:31:27Z ~2026-30384-36 3326024 /* The Muppet Performers */ 3954298 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Harpe de lumiere.jpg|thumb|right|Why're there so many songs about rainbows<br/> And what's on the other side?]] '''''[[w:The Muppet Movie|The Muppet Movie]]''''' is a 1979 live-action/puppet musical comedy film featuring [[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]]'s [[w:Muppet|The Muppets]] in which Kermit and his newfound friends trek across America to find success in Hollywood, but a frog legs merchant is after Kermit. :''Directed by [[w:James Frawley|James Frawley]]. Written by [[w:Jack Burns|Jack Burns]] and [[w:Jerry Juhl|Jerry Juhl]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[First lines]'' :'''Statler''': I'm Statler. :'''Waldorf''': I'm Waldorf. We're here to heckle "The Muppet Movie". :'''Gate Guard''': Gentlemen, that's straight ahead. Private screening room D. :'''Statler''': Private screening? :'''Waldorf''': Yeah, they're afraid to show it in public. :''[They laugh as they ride off to the studios]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[rowing his boat]'' HELP! HELLO! THIS IS A SERIOUS CALL FOR HELP! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, Yeah? :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[rowing up to Kermit]'' SOMEONE? HELP! Oh, You, you with the banjo. Can you help me? I have lost my sense of direction! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Have you tried Hare Krishna? :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[chuckles]'' No. No, I mean, I'm really lost. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, one second. ''[snaps at fly]'' Darn, I missed. You know, that's the first thing to go on a frog, his tongue. The tongue goes and you can't catch flies. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Oh, that's rough, I'm sorry about your tongue, but, I have to get out of this swamp. I have to catch a plane. :'''Kermit the Frog''': With that tongue? No way! But seriously, there's a boat dock just downstream. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Thank you. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Just watch out for the alligators. :'''Bernie the Agent''': I will. ''[widens]'' Alligators?! :'''Kermit the Frog''': That's right. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Did you say "alligators"? :'''Kermit the Frog''': Read my lips "Al-li-ga-tors". :'''Bernie the Agent''': It's just that I'm not used to alligators where I come from. See, I'm an agent. I winged in from Hollywood. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Hollywood? :'''Bernie the Agent''': That's right. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Did you say "Hollywood"? :'''Bernie the Agent''': Read my lips, Hol-ly-wood. You know, ''[singing]'' ''Hollywood''. The dream factory, the magic store. Hey, don't you ever go to the movies? :'''Kermit the Frog''': Oh, sure, there's a double feature in town every Saturday. :'''Bernie the Agent''': ''[naps his finger]'' Wait a minute, wait a minute. ''[grabs the newspaper ad to Kermit to read]'' There's an ad in here that you should be very interested in. Feast your eyes on that. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Uh, "World Wide Studios announces open auditions for frogs wishing to become rich and famous?" Well, thanks, anyway, but I'm really pretty happy where I am. :'''Bernie the Agent''': Oh, oh, if I were you, I would give this audition very careful consideration. You've got talent, kid--singin', tellin' jokes, I mean, if you get your tongue fixed, who knows? You could make millions of people happy. :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[wonders]'' Millions of people happy... :'''Bernie the Agent''': Millions! Hey, if you ever come west to Hollywood, look me up, Bernie the Agent. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Hey, listen, Bernie the agent, why don't you say hello to Arnie the alligator? :'''Bernie the Agent''': What?! ''[rows away in a panic, yelling as the alligator pursues him]'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': Arnie! Arnie, wait a minute. Careful, Arnie. :'''Bernie the Agent''': STAY! STAY! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Arnie, that's okay, leave him alone! He's from Hollywood! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': The El Sleezo Cafe. Hmm, Foreign food. Well, It doesn't smell promising. But a frog's gotta eat. ''[gasps when a man is kicked out of the cafe]'' Wow! Rough place, Huh? :'''The El Sleezo Cafe owner''': That's the toughest, meanest, filthiest pest hole on the face of the earth! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Well, why not complain to the owner? :'''The El Sleezo Cafe owner''': I ''am'' the owner. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Fozzie and Kermit speed away from Doc Hopper]'' :'''Doc Hopper:''' Max! ''[Max pulls over]'' Follow that frog! ''[Max drives off leaving Doc Hopper behind]'' ''MAX!!!'' ''[Max stops and reverses the car]'' Follow that frog ''with me in the car!'' :'''Max:''' I'm sorry, Doc, I just got excited. Isn't the frog terrific? :'''Doc Hopper:''' ''[getting in the car]'': Terrific, Max, terrific, now go! :'''Max:''' But you promised me a reward. :'''Doc Hopper:''' Later, Max. Now follow that frog! :''[Max then drives off with Doc Hopper]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fozzie''': Kermit, where're we? :'''Kermit''': ''[looking at a map]'' Well, let's see. We're just traveling down this little green line here, and uh, just crossed that little pink line over here. :'''Fozzie''': ''[takes his eyes off the road to focus on the map]'' Look, why don't we just take that little blue line, huh? :'''Kermit''': We can't take that. That's a river. :'''Fozzie''': Oh. I knew that. :'''Kermit''': Yeah sure. :'''Fozzie''': Well, listen Kermit, why don't we just go and... :'''Kermit''': ''[cutting him off]'' Fozzie? Uh, Fozzie? :'''Fozzie''': Yeah? :'''Kermit''': Who's driving? :''[They looked up, and screamed before Fozzie drives away from crashing the church and stops the car]'' :'''Kermit''': Where did you learn to drive? :'''Fozzie''': I took a correspondence course. ''[backing up next to the church]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[discovering that their car was painted by The Electric Mayhem]'' :'''Fozzie''': I don't know how to thank you guys! :'''Kermit''': I don't know ''why'' to thank you guys. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sweetums''': Jack not name, Jack Job! :'''Used Car Store owner''': ''[quietly]'' How many times did I tell you not to talk to my customers? :'''Sweetums''': Yeah, I know! :'''Used Car Store Owner''': Just move it. You understand? <hr width="50%"/> :'''The Beauty Pageant host''': Before we announce the winner, We would like to thank the judges of today's contest! Edgar Bergen and Charlie McCarthy! :'''Charlie McCarthy''': You are not gonna believe who is the winner is, folks. :'''Edgar Bergen''': Come on, Charlie. It's their movie. :'''Charlie McCarthy:''' So, it is. :''[They both laugh]'' :'''The Beauty Pageant host''': And here she is! The winner of the Bogen County Beauty Pageant is: MISS PIGGY! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': ''[watching Gonzo, who's holding a bunch of helium balloons, fly by]'' Gonzo! What're you doing?! :'''Gonzo''': About seven knots! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': ''[giving directions to Fozzie]'' Bear left. :'''Fozzie''': Right frog. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rowlf''': Oh. Broken heart, right? :'''Kermit''': ''[sadly]'' Does it show? :'''Rowlf''': Listen. When you've been tickling the ivories as long as I have, you've seen a broken heart for every drop of rain, a shattered dream for every falling star. :'''Kermit''': Exactly. She just walked out on me. :'''Rowlf''': Yeah, typical. That's why I live alone. :'''Kermit''': You do, huh? :'''Rowlf''': You bet. I finish work, I go home, read a book, have a couple of beers, take myself for a walk and go to bed. :'''Kermit''': Nice and simple. :'''Rowlf''': Stay away from women, that's my motto. :'''Kermit''': But I can't. :'''Rowlf''': Neither can I. That's my trouble. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': ''[over the phone]'' Hello? :''[We see Doc Hopper and the tied-up Miss Piggy]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': Kermie, help! I've been kidnapped! ''[Doc Hopper covers her mouth]'' :'''Kermit''' Uh, Miss Piggy, Is that you? :'''Doc Hopper''': Yes, That's her. And this is Doc Hopper. Let me tell you something. Come outside of the hotel right now. My guys will be waiting for you. :'''Kermit''': But what if I don't? :'''Doc Hopper''': Then your pig friend will be ham-hocked for breakfast. :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[muffed screams]'' No, Kermie! Don't, don't... :''[Doc Hopper hangs up the phone and laughs at Miss Piggy. Kermit quietly and nervously enters outside the restaurant, and is held gunpoint by Doc Hopper's henchmen]'' :'''Kermit''': ''[frightened]'' Um, aren't you the guys I'm supposed to meet? <hr width="50%"/> :''[As Miss Piggy karate chops the henchmen]'' :'''Doctor Max Krassman''': What the heck's goin' on here? A pig that goes bananas? What is this, a luau?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Doctor Max Krassman''': I must reach the switch, I must. Reach it.... :'''Miss Piggy''': HAI-YAH! ''[crashes into the machine]'' Come out, Kermit! :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[in tears of joy]'' Oh, Thank you! :''[Miss Piggy kicks the mad doctor and sets off the machine]'' :'''Doctor Max Krassman''': ''[screams when he leans on the chair]'' Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ribbit! Ha! ''[faints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit''': I didn't promise anybody anything. What do I know about Hollywood, anyway? Just a dream I got from sitting through too many double features. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': ''[heard]'' So why did you leave the swamp in the first place? :'''Kermit''': 'Cause some agent fella said I had talent. He probably says that to everybody. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': On the other hand, if you hadn't left the swamp, you'd be feeling pretty miserable anyhow. :'''Kermit''': Yeah. But then it would just be me feeling miserable. Now I got a lady pig, and a bear and a chicken, a dog, a thing, whatever Gonzo is. He's a little like a turkey. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': ''[appears, similar to Kermit, on the rock]'' Mmm - Yeah. A little like a turkey, but not much. :'''Kermit''': No, I guess not. Anyhow, I brought them all out here to the middle of nowhere, and it's all my fault. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': ''[walks up to him]'' Still, whether you promised them something or not, you gotta remember - they wanted to come. :'''Kermit''': But...that's because they believed in me. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': No, they believed in the dream. :'''Kermit''': Well, so do I, but... :'''Kermit's Conscience''': You do? :'''Kermit''': ''[realizes]'' Yeah! Of course I do. :'''Kermit's Conscience''': Well, then? :'''Kermit''': Well, then...I guess I was wrong when I said I never promised anyone. I promised me. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Floyd Pepper''': When do you dudes have to be at the audition? :'''Kermit the Frog''': 2:00 tomorrow afternoon! :'''Dr. Teeth''': Well, then climb aboard the bus! We will have breakfast at Hollywood and vine! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': A motorcycle cop is chasing us! ''[we see a police officer on motorcycle chasing the bus]'' Hey, Dr. Teeth, you better pull over. :'''Dr. Teeth''': Easier ''done'' than ''said''. ''[the police officer gets off his motor cycle]''. Hey! Hey! Hey! It's the man with the badge. The police, the cops, the fuzz, the P.I.- :'''Miss Piggy''': DON'T! YOU! DARE! :'''Dr. Teeth''': I wouldn't think of it. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Did we do something wrong, Officer? :''[The police officer takes off the helmet and reveals to be Doc Hopper's friend Max]''. :'''Crowd''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, look! :'''Miss Piggy''': Kermit, it's him! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Okay, guys. Let him explain. :'''Max''': This whole disguise is so that I can warn you. :'''Fozzie''' :''[sarcastically]'' Yeah, sure. :'''Max''': I never thought Doc was gonna hurt Kermit, I thought he was gonna ''lean'' on him! But now he's got this frog killer in from the coast! And the man's ''deadly!'' :''[Everybody gasps]'' :'''Fozzie''': Oh, no! Kermit, what are we gonna do?! :'''Floyd''': It's time to beat feet, green stuff. :'''Fozzie''': Yeah, get out of here, Kermit. :'''Dr. Teeth''': I love it. Chase music is one of our best riffs. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Hold it, Dr. Teeth! What's up ahead? :'''Dr. Teeth''': Uh...only an old ghost town. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Fine. ''[to Max]'' Listen, you go back and tell Doc Hopper, I'll be waiting for him there. :'''Max''': ''[shocked]'' WHAT?!?! :''[Miss Piggy gasps]'' :'''Fozzie''': Kermit, you'll get ''killed!'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': Listen, guys. Listen. I can't spend my whole life running away from a bully. It's time for a showdown. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Animal mighty roars at Doc Hopper and his villains before they're gonna run away]'' :'''Doc Hopper and Clan''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!''''' :''[Max, who's not screaming, gives Kermit and the gang thumps up with a smile and leaves]'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[surprised, relieved, then turns to his friends]'' Everybody, on to Hollywood! :''[Muppets cheering]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lew Lord, CEO and chairman of World Wide Studios''': ''[to the intercom]'' Miss Tracy, prepare the standard 'rich and famous' contract for Kermit the Frog and company. :''[The Muppet Show gang are surprised, and they cheered, while Kermit is stunned with relief]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Scooter''': ''[holds the clapboard the wrong way]'' OK, Muppet Movie, Scenery 1A, Take One! ''[hurts his hand from the clapboard]'' Ow! :'''Beaker''': Makeup's ready! :'''Dr. Bunsen Honeydew''': Sound's ready. :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[on Megaphone]'' OK, stand by, here we go! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Animal:''' Go home! Go home! Bye-bye. ''[faints]'' :''[Cuts to black]'' ==Cast== * [[w:Charles Durning|Charles Durning]] as Doc Hopper * [[w:Austin Pendleton|Austin Pendleton]] as Max * Scott Walker as Snake Walker * Lawrence Gabriel Jr. as a sailor * Ira F. Grubman as a bartender * [[w:H.B. Haggerty|H.B. Haggerty]] as a lumberjack * [[w:Bruce Kirby (actor)|Bruce Kirby]] as a gate guard * Tommy Madden as One-Eyed Midget * [[w:James Frawley|James Frawley]] as a writer * Arnold Roberts as a cowboy === Cameo Guest Stars === * [[w:Caroll Spinney|Caroll Spinney]] as Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch from ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' * [[w:Carol Kane|Carol Kane]] as The Myth * [[w:Edgar Bergen|Edgar Bergen]] as Himself and the voices of Charlie McCarthy * [[w:Milton Berle|Milton Berle]] as Mad Man Mooney * [[w:Mel Brooks|Mel Brooks]] as Professor Max Krassman * [[w:James Coburn|James Coburn]] as the owner of El Sleezo Cafe * [[w:Dom DeLuise|Dom DeLuise]] as Bernie the Agent * [[w:Bob Hope|Bob Hope]] as an Ice Cream vendor * [[w:Madeline Kahn|Madeline Kahn]] as a patron at El Sleezo * [[w:Cloris Leachman|Cloris Leachman]] as Lord's Secretary * [[w:Elliott Gould|Elliott Gould]] as The Beauty Contest * [[w:Steve Martin|Steve Martin]] as an insolent waiter * [[w:Richard Pryor|Richard Pryor]] as Balloon Vender * [[w:Telly Savalas|Telly Savalas]] as El Sleezo Tough * [[w:Orson Welles|Orson Welles]] as Lew Lord * [[w:Paul Williams (songwriter)|Paul Williams]] as the pianist at El Sleezo ===The Muppet Performers=== *[[w:Jim Henson|Jim Henson]] as Kermit the Frog, Sam, Harry the Hipster, Yorick, Ernie, Guy Smiley, Beautiful Day Monster, Clyde, Lenny the Lizard, Shakey Sanchez, Gloat, Timmy Monster, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, Waldorf, The Swedish Chef and Lubbock Lou * Frank Oz as Fozzie Bear, Bert, Cookie Monster, Grover, Professor Hastings, Mildred Huxhetter, Miss Piggy, George the Janitor, Animal, Marvin Suggs, Sam the Eagle and Gramps * Jerry Nelson as Robin the Frog, Crazy Harry, Uncle Deadly, Sopwith the Camel, Harvey, Tom, Floyd Pepper, Dr. Julius Strangepork, Louis Kazagger, Lew Zealand and Slim Wilson * Richard Hunt as Scooter, Beaker, Behemoth, Wayne, Mel, Janice, Statler, Sweetums and Bubba * Dave Goelz as The Great Gonzo, Brewster, Dick, Duke, Gorgon Heap, Luncheon Counter Monster, Zoot, Beauregard and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew *[[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]] as Rizzo the Rat, Mel, Thog and Zeke == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0079588|The Muppet Movie}} * {{mojo title|muppetmovie|The Muppet Movie}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|muppet_movie|The Muppet Movie}} * {{metacritic film|the-muppet-movie|The Muppet Movie}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppet Movie, The}} [[Category:1979 films]] [[Category:1970s American films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:The Muppets films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:United States National Film Registry films]] [[Category:Road comedy films]] 7jhm74qvv71936970xfoavztcwkenu1 0 109147 3954122 3954037 2026-06-18T12:09:24Z UDScott 4304 3954122 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Seanmcarroll2.jpg|thumb|Sean M. Carroll, 2008]] '''[[w:Sean M. Carroll|Sean M. Carroll]]''' (born October 5, 1966) is an American theoretical [[cosmologist]], and senior research associate in the Department of Physics at the California Institute of Technology, specializing in [[w:dark energy|dark energy]] and [[w:general relativity|general relativity]]. == Quotes == * But the very fact that matter in the cosmos is still moving, rather than at rest, is the single most surprising thing about the universe. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' in [[w:Damien Broderick|Damien Broderick]] (ed.), ''Year Million: Science at the Far Edge of Knowledge,'' published by Atlas & Co., <small> {{ISBN|978-0-9777433-4-6}}, </small> p. 256 * But sometimes reality chooses not to conform to our preferences. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' p. 256 * It can't be stressed enough that the multiverse is utterly hypothetical—but that doesn't mean it isn't real. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' p. 264 * Even if we don't know the answer, a change of perspective can help us improve the question. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' p. 264 * In contrast to the arbitrarily complicated evolution of a (nonintegrable) classical system, '''all a quantum state ever does is move in circles'''. ** [[w:FQXi|FQXi]] Prize winning essay [http://fqxi.org/community/forum/topic/318 What if Time Really Exists?], 2008. * The mystery of the [[w:Arrow of time|arrow of time]] comes down to this: Why were the conditions in the early universe set up in a particular way, in a configuration of low [[entropy]] that enabled all of the interesting and irreversible processes to come? ** {{cite book|title= From Eternity to Here: The Quest for the Ultimate Theory of Time|year=2010|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=pi4kDQAAQBAJ&pg=PA3}} (p. 3) * [[w:Inflation (cosmology)|Inflation]] is a simple idea: imagine that the universe begins in a tiny patch of space dominated by the potential energy of some scalar field, a kind of super-dense dark energy. This causes that patch to expand at a terrifically accelerated rate, smoothing out the density and diluting away any unwanted relics. Eventually the scalar field decays into ordinary matter and radiation, reheating the universe into a conventional Big Bang state, after which things proceed as normal. ** {{cite journal|title=The Eternally Existing, Self-reproducing, Frequently Puzzling Inflationary Universe|journal=Preposterous Universe blog|date=21 October 2011|url=http://www.preposterousuniverse.com/blog/2011/10/21/the-eternally-existing-self-reproducing-frequently-puzzling-inflationary-universe/}} * There probably are more forces than we know about, but they’re only going to be of direct interest to physicists, I’m afraid. No [[w:Tractor beam|tractor beams]]. ** {{cite journal|title=Column: Looking for New Forces|journal=Preposterous Universe blog|date=4 November 2011|url=http://www.preposterousuniverse.com/blog/2011/11/04/column-looking-for-new-forces/}} * All of my advice comes from remembering what I did wrong and then telling people not to do it. ... Don't wait to read the most recent research papers. ... Wonder how you could do better. ... Do your own research projects. Take the initiative. ... Ask your own questions — try to answer them. ... At some point you stop being a student and you start being a scientist. ... And it's a completely different skill set ..." ** {{cite journal|title=Episode #124 - In Search of Reality: A Conversation with Sean Carroll|date=21 April 2018|journal=Waking Up Podcast with Sam Harris|url=https://samharris.org/podcasts/124-search-reality/}} (1:21:12 of 1:58:24) * When exactly does an observation occur? ... What were the laws of physics doing before there was anyone measuring things? And what do you mean by a measurement, anyway? Does it have to be a consciousness human being? ... Can a rock or a virus or an earthworm do an observation? ** {{cite journal|title=The Many Worlds Theory|date=24 October 2018|journal=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXRLDatmbgA}} (12:16 of 56:11) * People don't like to read papers — they like to read titles. ** {{cite journal|title=The Crisis in (Fundamental) Physics is Worse Than You Think...|date=August 3, 2024|journal=Theories of Everything with Curt Jaimungal, Youtube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AoRxtYZrZo&t=4114s}} (quote at 1:08:34 of 1:53:11 in video) * ... I just want to understand the large-scale story that [https://arxiv.org/abs/0808.0746 string gas cosmology] is trying to sell us. We have nine dimensions of space — they are all very small — and in three dimensions they start unwinding and getting bigger. Is that the basic idea? ** {{cite web|title=Mindscape 316 {{!}} Niayesh Afshordi and Phil Harper on the Big Bang and Before|website=Sean Carroll, YouTube|date=May 26, 2025|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG1IYItjgeA&t=2683s}} (quote at 44:43 of 1:28:47) === ''The Big Picture'' (2016) === * The broader ontology typically associated with atheism is naturalism—there is only one world, the natural world, exhibiting patterns we call the “laws of nature,” and which is discoverable by the methods of science and empirical investigation. There is no separate realm of the supernatural, spiritual, or divine; nor is there any cosmic teleology or transcendent purpose inherent in the nature of the universe or in human life. “Life” and “consciousness” do not denote essences distinct from matter; they are ways of talking about phenomena that emerge from the interplay of extraordinarily complex systems. Purpose and meaning in life arise through fundamentally human acts of creation, rather than being derived from anything outside ourselves. Naturalism is a philosophy of unity and patterns, describing all of reality as a seamless web. ** Chap. 1 : The Fundamental Nature of Reality * Meaning in life can’t be reduced to simplistic mottos. In some number of years I will be dead; some memory of my time here on Earth may linger, but I won’t be around to savor it. ** Chap. 1 : The Fundamental Nature of Reality * Poetic naturalism is a philosophy of freedom and responsibility. The raw materials of life are given to us by the natural world, and we must work to understand them and accept the consequences. The move from description to prescription, from saying what happens to passing judgment on what should happen, is a creative one, a fundamentally human act. The world is just the world, unfolding according to the patterns of nature, free of any judgmental attributes. The world exists; beauty and goodness are things that we bring to it. ** Chap. 2 : Poetic Naturalism * What we’re seeing is a manifestation of the layered nature of our descriptions of reality. At the deepest level we currently know about, the basic notions are things like “spacetime,” “quantum fields,” “equations of motion,” and “interactions.” No causes, whether material, formal, efficient, or final. But there are levels on top of that, where the vocabulary changes. ** Chap. 3 : The World Moves by Itself * The momentary or Laplacian nature of physical evolution doesn’t have much relevance for the choices we face in our everyday lives. For poetic naturalism, the situation is clear. There is one way of talking about the universe that describes it as elementary particles or quantum states, in which Laplace holds sway and what happens next depends only on the state of the system right now. ** Chap. 4 : What Determines What Will Happen? * Metaphysical principles are tempting shortcuts but not reliable guides. There are good reasons why things often seem to happen for reasons—and also reasons why that’s not a bedrock principle. ** Chap. 5 : Reasons Why * The “reasons” and “causes” why things happen, in other words, aren’t fundamental; they are emergent. We need to dig in to the actual history of the universe to see why these concepts have emerged. ** Chap. 5 : Reasons Why * What we can’t do is demand that the universe scratch our explanatory itches. Curiosity is a virtue, and it’s good to look for answers to “Why?” questions whenever we might be able to find them, or when we think that asking such questions might help us to understand things better. But we should be at peace with the possibility that, for some questions, the answer doesn’t go any deeper than “That’s what it is.” We’re not used to that—our intuition assures us that every event can be explained in terms of some reason why. To understand why we have that impression, we need to dig more deeply into how our actual universe has evolved. ** Chap. 5 : Reasons Why === ''Quanta and Fields: The Biggest Ideas in the Universe'' (2024) === * This choice will come into play when we start talking about quantum fields and virtual particles, whose status also raises tricky philosophical questions. For our purposes, it is the wave function that represents reality, and all of our talk of “particles” and “fields” is a useful language for thinking about that reality in relatively intuitive terms. If your favorite formulation of quantum mechanics prefers different ways of talking, you are welcome to translate into whatever language you are comfortable with. ** Ch. 2: Measurement * We should always admit that we don’t know everything but not be so cautious that we don’t want to admit when we do know things. We know the particles we are made of, and the forces by which we interact. That’s one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of humankind. We can be a little bit proud. ** Ch. 12: Atoms == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Carroll, Sean}} [[Category:Physicists from the United States]] [[Category:Cosmologists]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:California Institute of Technology faculty]] 2juq78a8llf9xefyc2hfylipmv4qdus 3954123 3954122 2026-06-18T12:11:28Z UDScott 4304 3954123 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Seanmcarroll2.jpg|thumb|Sean M. Carroll, 2008]] '''[[w:Sean M. Carroll|Sean M. Carroll]]''' (born October 5, 1966) is an American theoretical [[cosmologist]], and senior research associate in the Department of Physics at the California Institute of Technology, specializing in [[w:dark energy|dark energy]] and [[w:general relativity|general relativity]]. == Quotes == * But the very fact that matter in the cosmos is still moving, rather than at rest, is the single most surprising thing about the universe. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' in [[w:Damien Broderick|Damien Broderick]] (ed.), ''Year Million: Science at the Far Edge of Knowledge,'' published by Atlas & Co., <small> {{ISBN|978-0-9777433-4-6}}, </small> p. 256 * But sometimes reality chooses not to conform to our preferences. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' p. 256 * It can't be stressed enough that the multiverse is utterly hypothetical—but that doesn't mean it isn't real. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' p. 264 * Even if we don't know the answer, a change of perspective can help us improve the question. ** ''The Rise and Fall of Time,'' p. 264 * In contrast to the arbitrarily complicated evolution of a (nonintegrable) classical system, '''all a quantum state ever does is move in circles'''. ** [[w:FQXi|FQXi]] Prize winning essay [http://fqxi.org/community/forum/topic/318 What if Time Really Exists?], 2008. * The mystery of the [[w:Arrow of time|arrow of time]] comes down to this: Why were the conditions in the early universe set up in a particular way, in a configuration of low [[entropy]] that enabled all of the interesting and irreversible processes to come? ** {{cite book|title= From Eternity to Here: The Quest for the Ultimate Theory of Time|year=2010|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=pi4kDQAAQBAJ&pg=PA3}} (p. 3) * [[w:Inflation (cosmology)|Inflation]] is a simple idea: imagine that the universe begins in a tiny patch of space dominated by the potential energy of some scalar field, a kind of super-dense dark energy. This causes that patch to expand at a terrifically accelerated rate, smoothing out the density and diluting away any unwanted relics. Eventually the scalar field decays into ordinary matter and radiation, reheating the universe into a conventional Big Bang state, after which things proceed as normal. ** {{cite journal|title=The Eternally Existing, Self-reproducing, Frequently Puzzling Inflationary Universe|journal=Preposterous Universe blog|date=21 October 2011|url=http://www.preposterousuniverse.com/blog/2011/10/21/the-eternally-existing-self-reproducing-frequently-puzzling-inflationary-universe/}} * There probably are more forces than we know about, but they’re only going to be of direct interest to physicists, I’m afraid. No [[w:Tractor beam|tractor beams]]. ** {{cite journal|title=Column: Looking for New Forces|journal=Preposterous Universe blog|date=4 November 2011|url=http://www.preposterousuniverse.com/blog/2011/11/04/column-looking-for-new-forces/}} * All of my advice comes from remembering what I did wrong and then telling people not to do it. ... Don't wait to read the most recent research papers. ... Wonder how you could do better. ... Do your own research projects. Take the initiative. ... Ask your own questions — try to answer them. ... At some point you stop being a student and you start being a scientist. ... And it's a completely different skill set ..." ** {{cite journal|title=Episode #124 - In Search of Reality: A Conversation with Sean Carroll|date=21 April 2018|journal=Waking Up Podcast with Sam Harris|url=https://samharris.org/podcasts/124-search-reality/}} (1:21:12 of 1:58:24) * When exactly does an observation occur? ... What were the laws of physics doing before there was anyone measuring things? And what do you mean by a measurement, anyway? Does it have to be a consciousness human being? ... Can a rock or a virus or an earthworm do an observation? ** {{cite journal|title=The Many Worlds Theory|date=24 October 2018|journal=YouTube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iXRLDatmbgA}} (12:16 of 56:11) * People don't like to read papers — they like to read titles. ** {{cite journal|title=The Crisis in (Fundamental) Physics is Worse Than You Think...|date=August 3, 2024|journal=Theories of Everything with Curt Jaimungal, Youtube|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9AoRxtYZrZo&t=4114s}} (quote at 1:08:34 of 1:53:11 in video) * ... I just want to understand the large-scale story that [https://arxiv.org/abs/0808.0746 string gas cosmology] is trying to sell us. We have nine dimensions of space — they are all very small — and in three dimensions they start unwinding and getting bigger. Is that the basic idea? ** {{cite web|title=Mindscape 316 {{!}} Niayesh Afshordi and Phil Harper on the Big Bang and Before|website=Sean Carroll, YouTube|date=May 26, 2025|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iG1IYItjgeA&t=2683s}} (quote at 44:43 of 1:28:47) === ''[[w:The Big Picture (Carroll book)|The Big Picture]]'' (2016) === * The broader ontology typically associated with atheism is naturalism—there is only one world, the natural world, exhibiting patterns we call the “laws of nature,” and which is discoverable by the methods of science and empirical investigation. There is no separate realm of the supernatural, spiritual, or divine; nor is there any cosmic teleology or transcendent purpose inherent in the nature of the universe or in human life. “Life” and “consciousness” do not denote essences distinct from matter; they are ways of talking about phenomena that emerge from the interplay of extraordinarily complex systems. Purpose and meaning in life arise through fundamentally human acts of creation, rather than being derived from anything outside ourselves. Naturalism is a philosophy of unity and patterns, describing all of reality as a seamless web. ** Chap. 1 : The Fundamental Nature of Reality * Meaning in life can’t be reduced to simplistic mottos. In some number of years I will be dead; some memory of my time here on Earth may linger, but I won’t be around to savor it. ** Chap. 1 : The Fundamental Nature of Reality * Poetic naturalism is a philosophy of freedom and responsibility. The raw materials of life are given to us by the natural world, and we must work to understand them and accept the consequences. The move from description to prescription, from saying what happens to passing judgment on what should happen, is a creative one, a fundamentally human act. The world is just the world, unfolding according to the patterns of nature, free of any judgmental attributes. The world exists; beauty and goodness are things that we bring to it. ** Chap. 2 : Poetic Naturalism * What we’re seeing is a manifestation of the layered nature of our descriptions of reality. At the deepest level we currently know about, the basic notions are things like “spacetime,” “quantum fields,” “equations of motion,” and “interactions.” No causes, whether material, formal, efficient, or final. But there are levels on top of that, where the vocabulary changes. ** Chap. 3 : The World Moves by Itself * The momentary or Laplacian nature of physical evolution doesn’t have much relevance for the choices we face in our everyday lives. For poetic naturalism, the situation is clear. There is one way of talking about the universe that describes it as elementary particles or quantum states, in which Laplace holds sway and what happens next depends only on the state of the system right now. ** Chap. 4 : What Determines What Will Happen? * Metaphysical principles are tempting shortcuts but not reliable guides. There are good reasons why things often seem to happen for reasons—and also reasons why that’s not a bedrock principle. ** Chap. 5 : Reasons Why * The “reasons” and “causes” why things happen, in other words, aren’t fundamental; they are emergent. We need to dig in to the actual history of the universe to see why these concepts have emerged. ** Chap. 5 : Reasons Why * What we can’t do is demand that the universe scratch our explanatory itches. Curiosity is a virtue, and it’s good to look for answers to “Why?” questions whenever we might be able to find them, or when we think that asking such questions might help us to understand things better. But we should be at peace with the possibility that, for some questions, the answer doesn’t go any deeper than “That’s what it is.” We’re not used to that—our intuition assures us that every event can be explained in terms of some reason why. To understand why we have that impression, we need to dig more deeply into how our actual universe has evolved. ** Chap. 5 : Reasons Why === ''Quanta and Fields: The Biggest Ideas in the Universe'' (2024) === * This choice will come into play when we start talking about quantum fields and virtual particles, whose status also raises tricky philosophical questions. For our purposes, it is the wave function that represents reality, and all of our talk of “particles” and “fields” is a useful language for thinking about that reality in relatively intuitive terms. If your favorite formulation of quantum mechanics prefers different ways of talking, you are welcome to translate into whatever language you are comfortable with. ** Ch. 2: Measurement * We should always admit that we don’t know everything but not be so cautious that we don’t want to admit when we do know things. We know the particles we are made of, and the forces by which we interact. That’s one of the greatest accomplishments in the history of humankind. We can be a little bit proud. ** Ch. 12: Atoms == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Carroll, Sean}} [[Category:Physicists from the United States]] [[Category:Cosmologists]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Atheists from the United States]] [[Category:1966 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Philadelphia]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:California Institute of Technology faculty]] 9lhtlxj493xht3yei55n9fqdr1ujfa9 9 109575 3954167 3947789 2026-06-18T15:33:47Z Codename Noreste 3154048 /* Suggestion */ reply: @كريم أحمد {{done}}. (-) ([[mw:c:Special:MyLanguage/User:JWBTH/CD|CD]]) 3954167 wikitext text/x-wiki The edit count link should be changed to X!'s tool or [http://toolserver.org/~vvv/yaec.php?user=%241&wiki=enwikiquote_p this]. [[User:Pmlinediter|Pmlinediter]] 16:55, 17 October 2009 (UTC) : I also prefer to use the yaec tool to which you link, rather than the one on the stable.toolserver. However, I am reluctant to put it in the MediaWiki footer because I am not aware of the reasons, if any, why it is not considered "stable." ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 18:30, 17 October 2009 (UTC) :: [http://simple.wikipedia.org/ It] [http://simple.wikiquote.org/ is] [http://simple.wikibooks.org/ used] [http://simple.wiktionary.org/ many] [http://en.wikibooks.org/ projects]. I see no problem with this being added - though I'm not sure of the difference between the servers. Either way, a deadlink is useless. <strong>[[user:Pmlinediter|<span style="color:Green">'''Pmlineditor'''</span>]]</strong>&nbsp;<big><big><big>[[user talk:Pmlinediter|<span style="color:#50C878">'''∞'''</span>]]</big></big></big> 18:37, 17 October 2009 (UTC) ::: Oh! I did not notice that the "stable" edit counter had been taken off line indefinitely. (I never use it.) I will make the switch to yaec. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 19:02, 17 October 2009 (UTC) {{done}} (after several false starts) ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] 19:12, 17 October 2009 (UTC) :Thank you, Ningauble. <strong>[[user:Pmlinediter|<span style="color:Purple">'''Pmlineditor'''</span>]]</strong>&nbsp;<big><big><big>[[user talk:Pmlinediter|<span style="color:#50C878">'''∞'''</span>]]</big></big></big> 08:32, 18 October 2009 (UTC) == Suggestion == Hi, I suggest adding pages created from [https://xtools.wmcloud.org/pages/en.wikiquote.org xtools] [[User:كريم أحمد|كريم أحمد]] ([[User talk:كريم أحمد|talk]]) 23:08, 31 May 2026 (UTC) :Ping to [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] [[User:كريم أحمد|كريم أحمد]] ([[User talk:كريم أحمد|talk]]) 23:31, 31 May 2026 (UTC) ::Also, why not using [[:File:User-info.svg]] instead of [[:File:Icon tools.png]]? [[User:كريم أحمد|كريم أحمد]] ([[User talk:كريم أحمد|talk]]) 15:25, 1 June 2026 (UTC) : @[[User:كريم أحمد|كريم أحمد]] {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:33, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 7x6ecuwxvmts3madvv8jhgbw4yorcs1 0 112264 3954208 3360131 2026-06-18T17:17:41Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Argentina]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Argentina]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954208 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Hebe_de_Bonafini_in_Plaza_de_Mayo,_Buenos_Aires,_Argentina_-_2009.jpg|thumb|right|:Hebe de Bonafini (2009)]] '''[[w:Hebe de Bonafini|Hebe de Bonafini]]''' ([[4 December]] [[1928]] – [[20 November]] [[2022]]) was an activist from Argentina. == Quotes == *When [[September 11 attacks|the attack]] happened I was in Cuba, visiting my daughter, and I felt happiness. It didn’t hurt me at all, because, as I always say in my speeches, our dead children will be avenged the day when people, any people, are happy. **Source: [http://cgi.stanford.edu/group/wais/cgi-bin/?p=8609 Argentina: Hebe de Bonafini and "Las Madres…" (Carlos López, US; ex-Chile)]; [http://www.cubanet.org/CNews/y01/oct01/15e9.htm Some rights groups have misguided agendas] (in Spanish: [http://www.lanacion.com.ar/nota.asp?nota_id=343519 Los aplausos al terrorismo], ''La Nación'', 2001). * Verbitsky is a servant of the United States. He receives a salary form the Ford Foundation, and in addition to being a Jew, is totally pro-North American. **Source: [http://essays.ssrc.org/sept11/essays/marchesi.htm Old Ideas in New Discourses: "The War Against Terrorism" and Collective Memory in Uruguay and Argentina] [http://www.pagina12.com.ar/2001/01-10/01-10-28/pag15.htm Ser judío], ''Página/12'', 2001). * [[w:Álvaro Uribe|Uribe]] is a shit and a bastard ** In Spanish: Uribe es una mierda y un hijo de puta **Source: [http://www.noticias24.com/actualidad/noticia/10918/de-la-victoria-de-m-de-hugo-chavez-a-la-cloaca-de-bonafini/ De la “victoria de m…” de Hugo Chávez a la “Cloaca de Bonafini”] (Noticias24, 2008). * [[w:Mauricio_Macri|Macri]] is worse than a dictator, because he came to power through voting. **Source: [http://www.lanacion.com.ar/1857463-hebe-la-democrata: "Hebe, la demócrata"], ''La Nación'', 2015). == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bonafini, Hebe de}} [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Argentina]] {{Activist-stub}} teorcnmkzrvtjcpzp6er21q5pathlhp 0 120052 3954342 3950662 2026-06-19T02:13:31Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Kratos */ 3954342 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Wintercon 2015 - Kratos.jpg|thumb|Zeus, your son has returned! I bring the destruction of Olympus!]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:God of War II|God of War II]]''''' is a 2007 video game released for the [[w:Playstation 2|Playstation 2]] console and developed by [[w:SCE Santa Monica Studio|SCE Santa Monica Studio]]. It follows Kratos as he seeks the [[w:Moirae|Sisters of Fate]] to prevent his betrayal and death by the hand of Zeus. == Kratos == * ''[assuming that Athena was the one who drained his power]'' ATHENA! YOU ''WILL'' SUFFER FOR THIS! * ''[after destroying the Colossus of Rhodes]'' Do you see, gods of Olympus?! DO YOU NEED MORE PROOF THAN ''THIS?!'' * A choice from the gods is as useless as the gods themselves. * You will pay for this, Zeus... Be certain of that... * ARES, DESTROY MY ENEMIES, AND MY LIFE IS YOURS! * ''[riding Pegasus]'' Turn back to Olympus, beast! I must face Zeus! ''[Pegasus does not turn back]'' YOU DEFY THE GOD OF WAR?!? * ''[After learning Sparta has been destroyed by Zeus due to his sacrilege]'' <big>'''''ZEUUUUUUS!'''''</big> '''IS ''THIS'' HOW YOU FACE ME?! COWARD! I AM ''THROUGH'' DOING THE BIDDING OF THE GODS! COME DOWN HERE AND FACE ME ''NOW'', ZEUS!''' * '''I GROW TIRED OF THE LIES OF THE GODS!''' * '''I AM CURSED!''' * '''I CANNOT CHANGE MY FATE!''' * I am so sorry, my love. Can you ever forgive me? * ''[after a dying Athena tells him that all the gods will oppose him]'' If all of Olympus will deny me my vengeance... then ''all'' of Olympus will die. I have lived in the shadow of the gods for long enough! The time of the gods has come to an ''end!'' * All on Olympus tremble at my name! Zeus is weak, Ares and Athena are dead and I wield the Blade! We can win the Great War, but not in this time! Together, we will destroy the petty gods, and we will see Olympus ''CRUMBLE'' before us! Come with me, Gaia! ''[uses his time powers on Gaia and the Titans]'' Return to my time! Victory awaits! * ''[clutching Gaia's back, holding the Blade of Olympus]'' '''ZEUS, YOUR SON HAS RETURNED! I BRING ''THE DESTRUCTION OF OLYMPUS!''''' == Zeus == * It did not have to be this way, my son. This path is of your choosing. * Even now, as you draw your last breath, you ''continue'' to defy me?! Everything that you have ever known, Kratos, will now suffer because of your sacrilege. ''[whispering]'' You will ''never'' be the ruler of Olympus. The cycle ends here. * ''[during the Great War, said before using the Blade of Olympus to end the war]'' I banish you to the darkest pits of Tartarus! * ''[As Kratos pushes Zeus to save himself from the past]'' What?! How can this be? The Sisters of Fate have aided you. Unexpected... * I underestimated you. A mistake I do not intend to repeat. * ''[before growing to massive size]'' Now I will show you the ''true'' power of a god! * Know this, my son. You have started a war you cannot possibly win. The Fates have already deemed me victorious! == Athena == * Enough, Kratos! With every city you destroy, the wrath of Olympus grows. Soon I will no longer be able to protect you. * ''[when Kratos reaches the Garden of the Gods in the Temple of the Fates]'' Kratos, you know not what you do. There are things far more important than your revenge. Zeus did what he must to protect Olympus. Gaia speaks nothing but half-truths and falsehoods. The Titans are not to be trusted. In you, Zeus feared the destruction of all he stands for. * ''[with swords locked against Kratos' Blade of Olympus]'' I do not want to fight you Kratos, but I ''will'' defend Olympus! * God after god will deny you, Kratos. They will protect Zeus. Zeus must live, so that Olympus will prevail. == Sisters of Fate == === Lahkesis === * It was I who deemed the Titans to lose the Great War, and I who have allowed you to come this far. * You do not defy fate, Kratos! For we have woven the events of your life. * I'm through playing games with you, Kratos! This power was never meant for a mortal like you! ===Atropos=== * We control your destiny, foolish mortal! With a whim, we can end your life or allow you to live. Search your memory, Kratos. The sword which you stand on delivered your victory against Ares; without it, ''you'' will be the one who dies this day, not Ares! We can change your past and set your future; this is the power of the Fates! === Clotho === * It is through my threads that all life is born. You must not tamper with destiny, Kratos. You will destroy everything! * You were not meant to travel through the Mirrors of Destiny. You are meddling with powers that you do not understand. * You will ''never'' control your thread, Kratos! == Dialogue == :'''Narrator/Gaia''': ''[opening lines]'' By defeating Ares, Kratos, the once mortal warrior, became the new God of War. However, Kratos soon found himself alone on Olympus, shunned by his fellow gods. But Kratos had no need for the love of petty gods. He had found a new family in the warriors of Sparta, gaining solace from his past in the carnage of battle. <hr width = 50%> :''[Kratos hobbles toward the Blade of Olympus, which holds his godly powers, when an eagle - which he thought was Athena - lands and changes back into its true self: the King of Olympus himself, Zeus ]'' :'''Kratos''': You...? :'''Zeus''': Yes, I am forced to attend to this matter myself. Athena refused to undo her mistake. Imagine caring for a creature such as yourself... :'''Kratos''': Why...? Why would you betray me? :'''Zeus''': It is ''you'' who would betray ''me''! Am I to stand idly by while Olympus is threatened?! ''[grabs the Blade of Olympus]'' Your hands are already stained by the blood of a god. I will not let Ares' fate be my own. :'''Kratos''': The gods are petty and pathetic, and your rule is weak. :'''Zeus''': I grow tired of this insolence. I am the ''king of Olympus''! ''[holds the Blade of Olympus to Kratos' neck]'' And it is ''my'' way that is the way of the gods. You must vow to forever serve me. :'''Kratos''': ''[pushing the Blade away]'' I serve no one! :'''Zeus''': Then you leave me no choice! :''[after a short battle, Zeus grabs Kratos by the throat and throws him to the ground]'' :'''Zeus''': Submit! ''[tries to stab Kratos]'' :'''Kratos''': I would rather die! ''[attempts to hold the Blade back, but is stabbed in the torso]'' :'''Zeus''': It did not have to be this way, my son. This path is of your choosing. :'''Kratos''': A choice from the gods... is as useless as the gods themselves. :'''Zeus''' Even ''now'', as you draw your last... ''[pushes the Blade deeper]'' ...breath, you ''continue'' to defy me?! Everything you have ever known, Kratos, will now suffer because of your sacrilege. ''[whispering]'' You will ''never'' be the ruler of Olympus. The cycle ends here. ''[uses the Blade to generate a energy field that destroys both Rhodes and Sparta's armies]'' :'''Kratos''': ''[weakly]'' You will pay for this, Zeus... Be certain of that... ''[coughs up blood, then falls over]'' <hr width = 50%> :'''Gaia''': As the life drained out of Kratos, the arms of Hades reached out to claim their prize. ''[skeletal arms emerge from the ground and drag Kratos into the Underworld]'' But there was more resting on Kratos' shoulders than he could know. Kratos was destined to bring about change so severe that it would shake the very pillars of Mount Olympus. His death was something that I could not allow. :''[Kratos sees images of his life; his battles, his service to Ares]'' :'''Kratos''': ARES! DESTROY MY ENEMIES, AND MY LIFE IS YOURS! :''[Kratos sees images of the Blades of Chaos being burned into his arms, along with the murder of his family]'' :'''Gaia''': ''[in the form of Ares]'' Fight, Spartan. ''[in the form of one of Kratos' mistresses]'' You are not meant to die here. ''[in the form of Kratos' daughter Calliope]'' This is not the end. :''[Kratos comes to a halt, suspended in mid-air in a lightless pit]'' :'''Kratos''': Who...are you? :'''Gaia''': ''[reveals her face]'' I am the Titan Gaia, ever-present Mother of Earth. I have watched you become a powerful warrior, and I have been with you through all the events of your life, but I can no longer simply watch. ''[other Titans stand beside Gaia]'' We will help you defeat Zeus. Death is an escape, Kratos. You are a warrior of Sparta; not a coward. Only a coward accepts death. :'''Kratos''': ''[defiant]'' I am ''no'' coward. :'''Gaia''': Then you must ''fight''. I will show you the way to the Sisters of Fate. Only with their power will you defeat Zeus. <hr width = 50%> :'''Icarus''': Go back. Go back, warrior. There is no passage here. You will never make it across! You ''think'' you can, but you ''cannot! [Kratos glances at him in annoyance and attempts to step past]'' DO YOU HEAR ME?! It is ''my'' wings that will make it across! It is ''my'' test! ''[Kratos pushes him away]'' Do you not know who I am?! Have you not heard of Icarus? It is ''my'' fate to make it across! NONE OTHER! This is ''my'' test! The Sisters will grant ''me'' an audience, not you! You will die, white warrior, you will ''die!'' :'''Kratos''': ''[grabs him by the throat]'' I ''will'' reach the Sisters of Fate. And I will use your wings to do so. :'''Icarus''': The Sisters will not allow you, a fallen god, to bathe in their light! ''[frees himself and clambers onto Kratos' shoulders to attack him]'' <hr width = 50%> :'''Atlas''': Who breaks my chains of torment? ''[grabs Kratos with thumb and forefinger]'' You are strong, but you are far too small, even for an Olympian, to be a god. ''[sees Kratos and growls]'' Kratos! ''[tries to crush Kratos between his fingers]'' You dare show your face to me, after what you have done?! I will make you suffer, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': ''[pushing Atlas' fingers away and yelling]'' ATLAS! You must trust me! Much has passed since we last met! :'''Atlas''': ''[tries again to crush him]'' Why would I ever trust a servant of Zeus? :'''Kratos''': ''[pushes Atlas' fingers again]'' Because I seek to ''destroy'' Zeus! ''[drops down onto Atlas' hand]'' :'''Atlas''': ''[laughs]'' Kratos, still the arrogant and foolish warrior. You have not changed. Hmmm... And how do you plan to defeat the king of the gods? :'''Kratos''': By taking the Blade of Olympus back and driving it into Zeus' heart! It holds the power I once wielded as the god of war! :'''Atlas''': The Blade of Olympus... ''[a flashback sequence shows Zeus' hand summoning thunderbolts at the time of the Great War, then summoning thunderbolts with the other hand into a funnel-cloud]'' I have not heard that name in many years, since... since the end of the Great War. Bloodlust and power raged within Zeus. His desire to rule over mortals was intolerable to us. ''[scene changes to Hades using his claws to defeat Cronos, but Atlas intervenes and saves Cronos, but is targeted by Poseidon, who weakens him, and Hades, who uses his claws to take Atlas' soul]'' The war between the Titans and the Olympians forged the landscape of the mortal world; it was a war that we knew the Titans ''must'' win. If we lost, it would mean an end to the Golden Age of the Titan rule. Peace and prosperity for mankind would be no more. ''[Zeus enters the funnel cloud and crashes to the earth wielding the newly-forged Blade of Olympus]'' The battle continued despite my capture. Then Zeus created a powerful weapon, to end the Great War. A weapon forged from the heavens ''and'' the earth--the Blade of Olympus. :'''Zeus''' ''[during the flashback]'' I banish you to the darkest pits of Tartarus! ''[roars and stabs the Blade into the ground, creating a large funnel that creates a great wind that pulls to the skies, then suddenly creates a force-field that envelopes the Titans]'' :'''Atlas''' ''[in the present]'' I awoke in the torment of the Underworld, banished to the darkest pits of Hades! I would have destroyed Zeus if you had not put me here, slave of the gods! :'''Kratos''' I no longer do the bidding of the gods, Atlas. I have stomached their betrayal for the last time! Show me the way to the Sisters, and I will kill Zeus once and for all! :''[Atlas grants Kratos a portion of his power, and Kratos impresses the Titan by using it to defeat several enemies]'' :'''Atlas''': What Gaia says is true, Ghost of Sparta. You are a powerful warrior and a worthy ally of the Titans. :'''Kratos''': Then tell me how to find the temple of the Sisters of Fate. :'''Atlas''': None, not even a Titan, would know how to reach the Sisters' temple. But it is said he who finds it will wield great power. I have given you the last of my magic, Spartan, and I will help you across the Great Chasm, but that is all I can offer. ''[pushes his hand with Kratos to the surface]'' May fate grant you passage, Kratos, for many rely on your success. <hr width = 50%> :'''Gaia''': ''[in the form of Kratos' deceased wife]'' All is not lost, Kratos. You ''must'' go on. There is much at stake here. :'''Kratos''': I cannot defeat the gods. :'''Gaia''': Victory favors you, Kratos. But you must grab hold of your destiny and command it! There is a war on the horizon, and we need you to lead us into battle. :'''Kratos''': To what end? :'''Gaia''': The death of Zeus. If you relent, Zeus will torment you still. He will not rest knowing you live, and when you die, his brother Hades will see that your soul is tortured for all eternity! You will have no rest until you destroy him. ''[gives Kratos more power]'' Take within you this fire that burned your beloved Sparta. Let it fuel your rage and hasten your steps towards destiny! The time to act is upon us, Kratos. This battle is just the beginning of the great war that is to come! <hr width = 50%> :'''Theseus''': ''[laughs]'' The Ghost of Sparta! Then what they say is true! :'''Kratos''': Theseus. :'''Theseus''': Of all the fools who'd try, you would be the last I would expect to seek an audience with the Sisters of Fate. :'''Kratos''': And you are the last one I would expect to become a servant of the Fates. :'''Theseus''': I serve and protect the Sisters of Fate for the glory of Zeus! :'''Kratos''': The time of Zeus is coming to an end. :'''Theseus''': Hmm... You seek the Sisters to kill Zeus! ''[laughs]'' You no longer possess the powers of a god, Kratos! I doubt you're capable of killing ''me'', let alone the King of Olympus! :'''Kratos''': Let me pass, and I will let you live, old man. :'''Theseus''': I do not think that is your choice to make. ''[twirls his double-bladed sword]'' Come forward. Let us finally see who is the greatest warrior in all of Greece! ''[Kratos draws out his Blades of Athena]'' <hr width = 50%> :''[Lahkesis, one of the Sisters of Fate, addresses Kratos via her statue]'' :'''Lahkesis''': Hear me, fallen god. None defy what the Fates decree; that is how it must be. Only death awaits you at the end of your journey. :'''Kratos''': My death is what ''began'' this journey. :'''Lahkesis''': The Fates have not deemed victory for you. Your soul will never find peace for what you have become. :'''Kratos''': I am what the gods have made me! ''[fractures the statue's face with the Blades of Chaos]'' <hr width = 50%> :'''Lahkesis''': We've been expecting you. :'''Kratos''' Out of my way! :'''Lahkesis''': Your resolve is admirable, even if it is misguided. ''None'' can change their destiny, Kratos. We Sisters determine the fate of all. It was I who deemed the Titans lose the Great War, and I who have allowed you to come this far. It is not your destiny to kill Zeus. :'''Kratos''': ''You'' no longer control my destiny. :'''Lahkesis''': ''[cupping his face]'' I see Gaia has filled you with her lies. :'''Kratos''': ''[grabs her by the throat]'' I have warned you! Let me pass! :'''Lahkisis''': ''[frees herself and floats above him]'' You have always amused us, Kratos. But know this, mortal: there is no power greater than the Sisters of Fate. If you challenge us, you...will...die! :''[After a fight between them]'' :'''Lahkesis''': You do not defy fate, Kratos! For we have woven the events of your life... ''[summons Atropos from her body]'' :'''Atropos''': And now, that life is at an end! ''[cackling madly, grabs Kratos and takes him back to his battle with Ares, dropping him on the Blade of the Gods]'' We control your destiny, foolish mortal! With a whim, we can end your life! Or allow you to live. Search your memory, Kratos. The sword which you stand on delivered your victory against Ares; without it, ''you'' will be the one who dies this day, not Ares! We can change your past and set your future; this is the power of the Fates! ''[cackles and damages the blade with an energy blast]'' :''[After preventing Atropos from destroying the blade, Kratos is transported back to the Throne of Lahkesis, with Atropos sealed in the past and Lahkesis awaiting him]'' :'''Lahkesis''': I'm through playing games with you, Kratos! This power was never meant for a mortal like you! <hr width = 50%> :''[Back in Rhodes, Zeus has stabbed Kratos, but Kratos from the future comes through a portal]'' :'''Zeus''': Even now as you draw your last... ''[stabs the Blade of Olympus deeper]'' ...breath, you ''continue'' to defy me?! No matter... ''[pushed by Kratos; surprised]'' What...?! How can this be? The Sisters of Fate have aided you. Unexpected. :'''Kratos''': The Sisters... ''[takes the Blade out of his past self]'' ...are dead. :'''Zeus''': Hmm... I underestimated you. A mistake I do not intend to repeat. ''[charges at Kratos, who also charges; carries Kratos up to the Summit of Sacrifice, where Kratos lands; levitating above Kratos]'' Now I will show you the ''true'' power of a god! ''[grows to immense size, while Kratos looks unwaveringly]'' <hr width = 50%> :'''Zeus''': ''[in giant form, on the losing end]'' I am through playing with you, Kratos!! ''[uses his full power to summon an electrical storm, which Kratos struggles to resist with the Blade of Olympus]'' :'''Kratos''': I lay down my arms, Zeus! ''[stabs the Blade into the ground and kneels with his back to Zeus, now in normal size]'' Release me from this torment of my life... :'''Zeus''': ''[taking the Blade]'' I will release you from your life, my son... but your torment is just beginning. :''[Kratos deflects the blow with the Golden Fleece, stabs Zeus with one of his Blades of Athena, kicks him toward the altar, breaks his blade hand, and smashes his head on both sides of the altar. Zeus attempts to reach the Blade, but Kratos pins both of Zeus' arms to the altar with his Blades, taking the Blade, and after some resistance, stabs Zeus several times]'' :'''Athena''': ''[appearing and rushing toward Kratos]'' You cannot do this, Kratos! ''[locks her twin-swords against Kratos' Blade]'' :'''Kratos''': You ''dare'' stand against me, Athena?! :'''Athena''': I do not wish to fight you, Kratos, but I ''will'' defend Olympus! :'''Zeus''': ''[weakened, gets up]'' Know this, my son: you have started a war you cannot ''possibly'' win. The Fates have already deemed me victorious. :'''Athena''': ''[broken away by Kratos, who goes for the killing blow to Zeus]'' No, Kratos! Stop! ''[throws herself in the path of the Blade and is impaled; Zeus flees]'' :'''Kratos''': Athena?! No...! Why do you sacrifice yourself? ''[takes the Blade out]'' :'''Athena''': To save Olympus. :'''Kratos''': I do not seek to destroy Olympus, only Zeus. :'''Athena''': Zeus ''is'' Olympus. :'''Kratos''': He brought this to himself-- :'''Athena''': Because of fear, Kratos. A fear felt by his Father Cronos. A fear that brought the Great War. A fear that drove Zeus to kill you... his own son. :'''Kratos''': ''[surprised]'' His ''son''...?! :'''Athena''': Just as Zeus was compelled to destroy his Father Cronos, you are compelled to do the same. No son should ever destroy his own Father. :'''Kratos''': ''[feeling robbed of revenge; unbelievingly]'' No. I have no Father. :'''Athena''': ''[dying]'' God after god will deny you, Kratos. They will protect Zeus. Zeus must live, so that Olympus will prevail. :'''Kratos''': If all on Olympus will deny me my vengeance... then all on Olympus will die. ''[with rising anger]'' I have lived in the shadow of the gods for long enough! The time of the gods has come to an end! ''[watches as Athena's body disintegrates and explodes, releasing a green wave]'' :'''Gaia''': Remember, Kratos: you have the power to control time itself. <hr width = 50%> :''[Kratos travels back through time to the final moments of the Great War]'' :'''Kratos''': GAIA! ''[Gaia turns around to face him]'' :'''Gaia''': We have been expecting you, Ghost of Sparta. ''[gestures to the battle raging around them]'' The gods are too powerful for us to defeat now. :'''Kratos''': All on Olympus tremble at my name! Zeus is weak, Ares and Athena are dead, and I wield the Blade! We can win the Great War, but not in this time! Together, we will destroy the petty gods, and we will see Olympus ''crumble'' before us! Come with me, Gaia! ''[uses the power over time upon himself, Gaia and the rest of the Titans]'' Return to my time! Victory awaits! :''[On Mount Olympus, Zeus addresses Poseidon, Hades, Hermes and Helios]'' :'''Zeus''': ...We have faced far worse than this one fallen mortal. But we are the Gods. We, whom the mortals worship. We, who rule over this land. We, who will ''not'' be swept aside by this petulant fool! Brothers, put aside the petty grievances that have splintered us for so long. We will unite. We will stand together, and I will wipe out this plague! Olympus... will prevail! :''[At that moment, an earthquake shakes the mountain. The gods race to the edge and look over, to see Gaia and the Titans scaling Mount Olympus towards them]'' :'''Kratos''': ''[standing on Gaia's back, brandishing the Blade]'' ZEUS! Your son has returned! I bring the destruction of Olympus! :''[The End Begins...]'' == Cast == *[[w:Terrence C. Carson|TC Carson]] - Kratos *Carole Ruggier - Athena *[[w:Linda Hunt|Linda Hunt]] - Gaia/Narrator *[[Michael Clarke Duncan]] - Atlas *[[w:Lloyd Sherr|Lloyd Sherr]] - Cronos *[[w:Alan Oppenheimer|Alan Oppenheimer]] - Prometheus *[[w:Fred Tatasciore|Fred Tatasciore]] - Typhon *[[w:Paul Eiding|Paul Eiding]] - Theseus *[[w:Bob Joles|Bob Joles]] - The Barbarian King and Icarus *[[w:Jennifer Martin|Jennifer Martin]] - Euryale *[[w:Harry Hamlin|Harry Hamlin]] - Perseus *[[w:Leigh-Allyn Baker|Leigh-Allyn Baker]] - Lakhesis *[[w:Debi Mae West|Debi Mae West]] - Atropos *[[w:Susan Silo|Susan Silo]] - Clotho *[[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Zeus == See also == *[[God of War: Ascension]] *[[God of War: Chains of Olympus]] *[[God of War (2005 video game)|God of War]] *[[God of War: Ghost of Sparta]] *[[God of War III]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:God of War (series)]] [[Category:2007 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation 2 video games]] [[Category:Video games set in Greece]] [[Category:Video games about time travel]] [[Category:Video game sequels]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:Video games about revenge]] hhgesvptyj2wqhx8ygyfkrlwuglfzk0 0 120053 3954318 3952864 2026-06-18T22:38:22Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dialogue */ 3954318 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Kratos cosplayer.jpg|thumb|My vengeance... ends now.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:God of War III|God of War III]]''''' is a 2010 video game released by [[w:SCE Santa Monica Studio|SCE Santa Monica Studio]] for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]] console. It follows immediately after God of War II; Kratos, seeking revenge on Zeus, leads the Titans up Mt. Olympus. He is betrayed by Gaia, the mother of the Titans, and falls into the Underworld. With the help of Athena's spirit, he seeks retribution on the Titans as well as the gods. == Zeus == * My brothers. We were forged in victory. A victory that ended the Great War and brought forth the reign of Mount Olympus. Born from the depths of the Underworld, rooted in the River of Souls, our mountain emerged out of the chaos. As it grew, so too did the might of the Olympians. We created a world of peace, a world of prosperity. A world that lives in the shadow and safety of my mountain, a mountain that has come to be the absolute measure of strength and power! Now, on this day, that power is to be tested! The mortal, Kratos, seeks to destroy all that I have wrought! Brothers. Put aside the petty grievances that have splintered us for so long. We will unite, we will stand together, and I... will wipe out this plague! Olympus... ''will prevail!'' * ''Petulant child!'' I will tolerate your insolence '''''NO MORE!!!''''' * Your pawn has failed you, Gaia. Perhaps you should have chosen the ''other'' one. * Kratos. I'll put an end to this chaos! * I created you and I will be your end! * Surrender to me, and Pandora will live. * That thing has used you! * Why do you waste your time?! * Why won't you ''DIE?!'' Die! Tremble in fear. * I grow tired of you, my son. == Gaia == * Something has me! I cannot move, Kratos. FREE ME! * Kratos, the death of Zeus is within our reach! Climb to my hand! * If I help you, we will both fall. Even now, Zeus gains. * I saved you to serve the Titans. * Listen carefully, Kratos. You're just a simple pawn, nothing more. Zeus is no longer your concern. This is our war, not yours. * You live, Spartan? The blood of Cronos serves you well. Quickly! You must help me! * Kratos, do I mean nothing to you?! * The reign of Olympus ends now! * My world... it bleeds because of you. I never sought your death, Spartan, but you left me no choice! * <b>ENOUGH!</b> Father and son will die together! == Athena == * Death cannot hold those with purpose, Kratos. * I have missed you, Spartan. * You disappoint me, Spartan. == Hades == * I knew you would be back, Spartan. Did you miss me? * I can understand why Zeus was so taken with you, Kratos. You are a capable warrior. * Welcome, Spartan, come in! Make yourself at home. This time, you won't be leaving. * ''[as Kratos gazes upon the coffin of Persephone]'' Now, it falls to me to collect payment for the pain you have wrought. * Kratos. So glad you could carve out some time for us. You know, we need it. I sense some bad blood between us, Kratos. Oh, all the memories... they're overwhelming, really. Let's see... how many sins have you committed against me? Oh, that's right, you murdered my niece, Athena. And what else? ''What else?!'' Ah, and you killed my brother, Poseidon. '''AND I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THAT [[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|IT WAS YOU WHO BUTCHERED MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN!]]''' I will see you suffer as ''I'' have suffered! Your soul is '''''MINE!''''' * You are in my domain now! * Your pain is my pleasure. * Torturing you is such fun. * Your death will only be the beginning of your suffering! * ''[after Kratos takes his hooks]'' MY KINGDOM! * YOU CANNOT DESTROY HELL! == Cronos == * The murderer of Gaia enters my tomb?! * Kratos, your death will not be a gentle one. * Time to die. * Ahh! My eyes...! * Aaaugh!!! '''Damn mortal!''' You will suffer when my sight returns! * What have you done to me?! * Where are you? * There you are! * Be still, Spartan! * There is no escape! * You little bastard! * You are a pest and deserve to be crushed like one! * You are clearly a skilled warrior, Kratos! * My eyes! I cannot see! * I know that you are here somewhere... * There you are, Kratos! Your fate is now in my hands! * I will make you into a bloody stain. * Kratos! * Where did you go? * By hiding you show your true nature coward! * Why do you flee, Kratos? * Enough. It is time to end this. Trust me. Eating you will be more unpleasant for me! * AAAH! You have what you came for...! Let me be...! * Curse these chains! * I should have expected this from a coward such as yourself! A coward who kills his own kin! * '''''KRATOS!!!''''' * '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' == Pandora == * ''[to Kratos]'' Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! == Others == :'''Narrator''': Before the age of the twilight set upon the gods, a legend rose to claim his place among them. And even though Kratos sat on the throne as the new God of War, he was haunted by visions of his family - a family he himself murdered. But the Hands of Death could not defeat him. The Sisters of Fate could not control him. And on this day, the man, the legend, Kratos, will have his revenge. :'''Hermes''': I thought Spartans fought with honor! And yet you seek to kill me when I have no way to defend myself? Not fair!... But you have your ''own'' sense of honor, right, Kratos?! And what has that "honor" brought you? Nothing but nightmares of your failure! Today you may defeat me, but in the end, Kratos... in the end, you'll betray only yourself. :'''Minos''': By the gods of Olympus and order of Zeus, we are the Three Judges. Face your final judgment, mortal. King Aeacus has found you wanting. King Rhadamanthus has found you worthy. It falls to me, King Minos, to make the final decision. Your future is cloaked in shadow. The realm of the afterlife is not yet ready for you. Beyond that door waits your destiny. :'''Hercules''': Think about it, brother. While I was stuck [[w:Augeus|cleaning the Augean stables]], he chose ''you'' to destroy Ares. ''[Kratos raises an eyebrow]'' Not convinced? How about this? While you were being crowned the god of war, ''I'' was sent to [[w:Hesperides|find an apple]]. They called them "labours". Ha! Perhaps he did allow me to kill the [[w:Nemean lion|Nemean lion]], but he made ''your'' name known amongst the people. A fierce warrior, a killer made hero, a ''man'' made a ''god''. But this time, brother... ''This'' time, ''I'' will destroy ''you''. Call it my thirteenth and final labour. Soon ''I'' will become the god of war and claim the throne ''for myself''. == Dialogue == :'''Zeus''': My brothers. We were forged in victory. A victory that ended the Great War and brought forth the reign of Mount Olympus. Born from the depths of the Underworld, rooted in the River of Souls, our mountain emerged out of the chaos. As it grew, so too did the might of the Olympians. We created a world of peace, a world of prosperity. A world that lives in the shadow and safety of my mountain, a mountain that has come to be the absolute measure of strength and power! Now, on this day, that power is to be tested! The mortal, Kratos, seeks to destroy all that I have wrought! Brothers. Put aside the petty grievances that have splintered us for so long. We will unite, we will stand together, and I... will wipe out this plague! Olympus... will prevail! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Zeus! Your son has returned! I bring the destruction of Olympus! :'''Helios''': The titans will fail again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaia''': Something has me! I cannot move, Kratos. Free me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Die! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaia''': Hurry, Spartan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Poseidon''': You challenge ''me'', mortal? A god of Olympus?! :'''Kratos''': A true warrior does not hide, Poseidon. Leave the sea, and face me! :'''Poseidon''': You have disrespected the gods for the last time, Kratos! :'''Gaia''': Jump to my hand!/Kratos, jump to my hand! :''[Gaia punches Poseidon's watery construct in the chest, as Kratos rips Poseidon out and they land a nearby ledge and throws him against a wall. He looks at the construct, which dissipates into the sea.]'' :'''Poseidon''': Zeus should have kept you where you belonged. No matter how many gods fall, there will always be another to stand against you. :'''Kratos''': They will fall as well. :'''Poseidon''': The death of Olympus means the death of us all! :'''Kratos''': Then prepare for ''your'' death, Poseidon. ''[He beats Poseidon until he lands near the cliff. Kratos jams his thumbs into Poseidon's eyes, and snaps his neck like a twig. The god of the sea's body slowly encases in water as he falls from Olympus and lands into the sea. The oceans suddenly rise, and flood all of Greece.]'' :'''Gaia''': Kratos, the death of Zeus is within our reach! Climb to my hand! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': What will you do, Father? You can no longer hide behind the skirts of Athena. :'''Zeus''': Athena is dead because of the rage that consumes you, Kratos. What more will you destroy? :'''Kratos''': The Hands of Death could not defeat me, the Sisters of Fate could not hold me, and ''you''... will not see the end of this day! I ''WILL'' have my '''''revenge!''''' :'''Zeus''': ''Petulant child!'' I will tolerate your insolence '''NO MORE!''' :''[Zeus summons a large lightning bolt and throws it at Kratos. He manages to absorb it with the Golden Fleece, but most of Gaia's hand is severed, and both Kratos and Gaia are sent tumbling down Mt. Olympus. Gaia manages to grab a ledge.]'' :'''Kratos''': ''[struggling to hold onto Gaia's back]'' Gaia!! I can hold on no longer! :'''Gaia''': ''[still struggling to hold on the ledge]'' If I help you, we will both fall. Even now, Zeus gains. ''[grabs hold of a higher ledge]'' :'''Kratos''': ''[stabs the Blade of Olympus into her back, but slides back]'' The destruction of Zeus is why you saved me from death! :'''Gaia''': I saved you to serve the Titans! :'''Kratos''': <big>'''''DO NOT DENY ME MY REVENGE!''''' </big> :'''Gaia''': Listen carefully, Kratos. You were a simple pawn, nothing more. Zeus is no longer your concern. This is our war, not yours. :'''Kratos''': ''[loses hold of the Blade and falls]'' <big>'''''GAIAAAAA!!!'''''</big> Whoooaaaa! ''[speaking in his mind]'' I have lived as a warrior. I have died as a god. Having suffered the ultimate sacrifice, I have been denied release. I... I ''will'' defeat Olympus. I ''will'' have my revenge. ''[lands in the River Styx]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': ''[leaving the River Styx, weakened by the souls in the river]'' We are not finished, Zeus. The gates of Hades have ''never'' held me! :'''Athena''': ''[as a spirit, appears behind Kratos]'' Death cannot hold those with purpose, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': Athena...? :'''Athena''': I have missed you, Spartan. :'''Kratos''': I... I don't— :'''Athena''': My sacrifice to save Zeus has brought me to a higher existence. :'''Kratos''': You still appear to be an Olympian. :'''Athena''': Appearances can be deceiving, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': So can the children of Olympus. :'''Athena''': Perhaps. But remember: my death came by ''your'' blade. :'''Kratos''': My blade was meant for Zeus. Be quick with your words. :'''Athena''': As we speak, the war for Olympus rages on and mankind suffers. :'''Kratos''': Let them suffer. The death of Zeus is all that matters. :'''Athena''': Zeus will not fall as easily as Ares. To destroy the King of the Gods, you must seek the source of his strength: the Flame of Olympus. :'''Kratos''': You once sacrificed yourself to save Zeus, and now you seek to destroy him? What has brought about this change? :'''Athena''': I see truths where I did not before. ''[goes through Kratos and grabs the ruined Blades of Athena]'' Perhaps these will earn back your trust. ''[uses her powers to transform them into the Blades of Exile]'' These are the Blades of Exile. These will help guide you on your journey to the Flame. ''[sends them forward to Kratos' hands]'' Remember, as long as Zeus reigns, there is no hope for mankind. Destroy the Flame, Kratos, and the very foundations of Olympus will crumble. ''[fades away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': ''[appearing in a small flame]'' Father? :'''Kratos''': Calliope...? :'''Pandora''': Oh... :'''Kratos''': You are not my daughter. :'''Pandora''': No, but I know who ''you'' are. :'''Kratos''': You know of me? :'''Pandora''': They said you would come. :'''Hades''': ''[his voice echoing about]'' Playing with toys, Kratos? :'''Kratos''': Show yourself, Hades. Another one of your tricks? :'''Hades''': ''[laughs]'' As usual, Spartan, you are gravely mistaken. :'''Kratos''': Face me, coward! :'''Hades''': So eager, Kratos. ''Relax''. Soon enough, we will have our time to play... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hephaestus''': ''[sorrowful]'' Leave me be. I tell you... I have paid the price. :'''Kratos''': Calm yourself, smith-god. :'''Hephaestus''': Ghost of Sparta? It ''is'' you... Well, well, well... I thought Zeus would have killed you by now. :'''Kratos''': I thought you would have escaped this cavern by now. :'''Hephaestus''': Zeus may have imprisoned me here, but ''you'' are the reason I live in torment. :'''Kratos''': I did you no wrong, Hephaestus. I pursue only ''one'' Olympian. :'''Hephaestus''': Well, as long as it's only one Olympian. ''[laughs]'' :'''Kratos''': I seek the Flame of Olympus. Do you know of it? :'''Hephaestus''' For what purpose, Spartan? :'''Kratos''': For the purpose I have chosen. Now tell me, do you know of the Flame? :'''Hephaestus''': All true children of Olympus know of it. We have all come to respect its power, but don't be fooled by its enticing glow. Neither god nor man can touch its lethal flame. :'''Kratos''': I only need to find it. :'''Hephaestus''': ''[chuckles]'' If you can find your way out of the Underworld, I am sure you can find your way to the Flame of Olympus. :'''Kratos''': ''[leaving, mockingly]'' You have been ''truly'' helpful, Hephaestus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After killing Hades, Kratos again meets Hephaestus]'' :'''Hephaestus''': Kratos! Can it be? Does this mean Lord Hades rules no longer? :'''Kratos''': The god of the Underworld is dead. :'''Hephaestus''': Dead? Ha! Hades deserved to suffer, though I thought his death impossible. :'''Kratos''': Olympians overestimate themselves. :'''Hephaestus''': Interesting... I will keep that in mind, Spartan. ''[laughs]'' :''[Kratos looks towards a glowing gate high in the cave.]'' :'''Hephaestus''': You need the soul of a god to use the Hyperion Gate, Kratos. And that one has not been used for centuries. I'm sure it's broken; otherwise I would have seen my beautiful... ''[holds back a sob]'' You know, Kratos, I wasn't always like this: a ''monster''. I was once the most prized craftsman in all of Olympus. Zeus rewarded me with my marriage to the beautiful Aphrodite. My mother Hera bragged of my talent. But the day you killed Ares was the day my world was torn from me. That day, Zeus became the fiend you now know. Worst of all, he took my beloved daughter, Pandora, my reason for living. I spend my time here trying to recreate her. ''[gestures towards lifeless replicas of Pandora hanging from the ceiling]'' I fail, again and again. She still lives, Spartan. I can feel it... You... ''You'', Kratos! You can bring her back to me. :'''Kratos''': Your child is not my concern. :'''Hephaestus''': But surely you can understand? You were once a father too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Athena''': Remember your purpose, Kratos. His death is our only hope. :'''Kratos''': Understand this, Athena. Zeus... will... ''die.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaia''': You live, Spartan? The blood of Cronos serves you well. Quickly! You must help me! :'''Kratos''': Help? You? :'''Gaia''': Yes, child. Quickly! I suffer greatly. I tried to return to battle but— :'''Kratos''': Without ''me?'' :'''Gaia''': You know I had no choice! You must help me! :''[Kratos starts severing Gaia's hand in order to give him a better path.]'' :'''Gaia''': Kratos, do I mean ''nothing'' to you? :'''Kratos''': You were a means to an end, Gaia. Nothing more. :'''Gaia''': But I must face Zeus. The Titans must take down Olympus. :'''Kratos''': '''''NO!''''' This is ''my'' war, ''not yours!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helios''': Kratos. I have not forgotten the debt I owe you. Save me now, as you once saved me from Atlas, and I promise to repay you in full. :'''Kratos''': If you wish to repay me, tell me where I can find the Flame of Olympus! :'''Helios''': The Flame...? You will never defeat Zeus, Spartan. You will forfeit your life in trying. :'''Kratos''': Of all the lives you should worry about, Helios... mine is not one of them. :'''Helios''': Feel the power of the ''sun''! ''[tries to blind Kratos using his powers, but Kratos blocks the light and stomps his head to the ground several times; grabs Kratos' foot.]'' Wait! Wait! I can tell you that to destroy Zeus, you must step into the Flame to receive its power. :'''Kratos''': ''[angrily]'' '''YOU ''LIE'', HELIOS!''' Hephaestus told me the Flame kills all who touch it! :'''Helios''': And you believe him? That freak has fallen from the graces of Olympus. :'''Kratos''': That is ''exactly'' why I believe him! :'''Helios''': My death will ''not'' lead you to Zeus. :'''Kratos''': ''That,'' is where you are '''wrong'''. ''[grabs Helios by the neck and twists it, but Helios' resistance causes Kratos to hit him in the head. Leans back and rips Helios' head from his body. Helios' head lets loose a blood-curdling scream, causing the sun to be blocked by never-ending storm clouds.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': Kratos! It's getting close. :'''Kratos''': I told you; I cannot help you. :'''Pandora''': But you're the only one who can. I know it. I trust you. :'''Kratos''': ''[sternly]'' You shouldn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': ''[meeting Kratos where the Chain of Balance connects the Labyrinth; laughs]'' Look who it is. Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta. The fallen god. The cursed mortal. :'''Kratos''': To catch a fly from the ass of Zeus is not worth my time, Hermes. :'''Hermes''': A coward's words, Kratos. You don't try to catch me because you know you can't. ''[runs and sits on the edge of one of the Labyrinth boxes; mockingly]'' Kratos, where are you off to today? ''[laughs]'' Kill any family members lately?! Oh, that's right! You're off to kill your father, Zeus. ''[laughs mockingly]'' Won't happen, can't happen. Kratos is on a fool's errand... again! ::♪ ''Never, never learn.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Never, never change.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Kratos, the fool who killed his own blood;'' ♪ ::♪ ''Kratos, the fool amongst mortals and gods.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Forever ever cursed,'' ♪ ::♪ ''Forever ever doomed.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Consumed by vengeance to his last breath,'' ♪ ::♪ ''The Spartan lights the way to dusty death.'' ♪ :''[Hermes runs up the chain of Olympus, laughing mockingly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora's Box...? ''[Athena interrupts Kratos from touching the box.]'' What is the meaning of this? :'''Athena''': Your eyes do not deceive you, Kratos. It is the same box you opened years ago. The power to kill a God still rests inside. :'''Kratos''': I released those powers when I killed Ares. :'''Athena''': No. Trapped inside that box there is a stronger power. It has been missing from the world. It all began when Zeus triumphed over the Titans in the Great War. Zeus understood that the evils born from that battle, if left free, would destroy the world of man and gods. To contain these evils, Zeus commissioned Hephaestus to build a vessel strong enough to hold them. Fear. Greed. Hate. He locked them all away in the box in hopes that they would never again infect his reign. When you opened the box to kill Ares, you drew from the forbidden powers. After witnessing your victory, Fear gripped Zeus. :'''Kratos''': But the flame is deadly. How can I recover the box? :'''Athena''': With its namesake, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': Pandora? :'''Athena''': She is the key to destroying the flame, the key to our revenge. This will be difficult, Spartan. :'''Kratos''': A simple child will not trouble me, Athena. :'''Athena''': I hope you are right, Ghost of Sparta. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': I thought Spartans fought with honor! And yet you seek to kill me when I have no way to defend myself? Not fair!... But you have your own sense of honor, right, Kratos?! And what has that "honor" brought you? Nothing but nightmares of your failure! Today you may defeat me, but in the end, Kratos... in the end, you'll betray only yourself. ''[Kratos grabs and throws Hermes into the wall and slices one of Hermes's legs. Hermes screams in pain and fear.]'' Leave me alone! Go away! ''[Kratos grabs Hermes and slices the last of Hermes's legs, causing his death to be consumed by never-ending plagues. Kratos acquired the Boots of Hermes and subsequently swatted a fly from his chest.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hera''': ''[upon Kratos entering the forum, drunken]'' Bravo. Bravo. Our hero has arrived. Applause for another bastard child of Zeus. Just in time for the final act. :'''Kratos''': Hera. :'''Hera''': You look terrible, dear. Still wanting to kill my husband, I suppose? :'''Kratos''': You know I seek revenge on Zeus. :'''Hera''': Can't say that I blame you. Since you killed my son, Ares, fear of you consumes him. :'''Kratos''': His fears will not matter when he is dead. :'''Hera''': I'll drink to that. :'''Kratos''': Hera. I seek the child Pandora. :'''Hera''': Pandora...? That wretched little thing my son Hephaestus created? Well... we can't have you do that, my dear. ''[to an unseen person]'' Destroy him. :''[a thumping sound is heard, Kratos looks unintimidatedly at the tall, muscular man in front of him.]'' :'''Hercules''': Hello, brother. :'''Kratos''': This is not between us, Hercules. :'''Hercules''': Isn't it? You were always Zeus' favorite. :'''Kratos''': The air on Olympus affects your thinking, brother. Zeus has no favorites. :'''Hercules''': Think about it, brother. While I was stuck [[w:Augeus|cleaning the Augean stables]], he chose ''you'' to destroy Ares. ''[Kratos raises an eyebrow]'' Not convinced? How about this? While you were being crowned the god of war, ''I'' was sent to [[w:Hesperides|find an apple]]. ''[Hera laughs drunkenly]'' They called them "labours". Ha! Perhaps he did allow me to kill the [[w:Nemean lion|Nemean lion]], but he made ''your'' name known amongst the people. A fierce warrior, a killer made hero, a ''man'' made a ''god''. But this time, brother... ''This'' time, ''I'' will destroy ''you''. Call it my thirteenth and final labour. Soon ''I'' will become the god of war and claim the throne ''for myself''. :'''Kratos''': You aspire to be an Olympian, yet their reign is ending, Hercules. :'''Hercules''': We'll see about that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora? :'''Pandora''': Kratos. I knew you'd come back. :'''Kratos''': Tell me where you are. :'''Pandora''': I hear something. He's close. :'''Kratos''': Just tell me how to find you. :'''Pandora''': The Labyrinth! Find the Labyri—! ''[Pandora screams.]'' Help! Help, Kratos! :'''Kratos''': Pandora! Pandora, what's happened?! Where are you?! :'''Zeus''': My son. You trifle with matters you cannot possibly understand. Stay away from this... this... thing! :'''Kratos''': Zeus! '''''ZEUS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aphrodite''': ''[Upon seeing Kratos, sends her handmaidens away.]'' Be gone. Kratos, it's been so long. Even though you are no longer the god of war, you can still share my bed. :'''Kratos''': I have no time for games, Aphrodite. :'''Aphrodite''': Do you know how long it's been since a real man has come into my chambers? Those bridges outside are nearly destroyed. Zeus refuses to have that stupid mortal, Daedalus, stop working on his precious Labyrinth to fix them. ''[Kratos looks in the direction of the bridges.]'' Ahhhh, is that what has you all worked up? You are trying to figure out that bridge contraption out there. You men and your toys! The only one who could fix those bridges is my husband and we both know he's worthless. Now I ask again, Kratos. Will you stay? :''[After having sex with Aphrodite, Kratos walks away from her bed.]'' :'''Aphrodite''': You men and your need for war and vengeance. Talk to my husband if you must! You can get to him through there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hephaestus''': Aphrodite? I knew you would return to me— Kratos? Tell me. Has Aphrodite conquered another god of war? :'''Kratos''': That is a question you should ask your wife. I seek the Labyrinth. :'''Hephaestus''': I thought you sought only the Flame. What could you possibly want in—? No! Stay away from her! Stay away from Pandora, Kratos! You are the reason she is in the Labyrinth! The reason I live here in hell! :'''Kratos''': I have done you no wrong, Hephaestus! :'''Hephaestus''': Oh, but you have, Spartan. You opened the box. :'''Kratos''': I did what had to be done. :'''Hephaestus''': Clearly you don't understand. The evils of the Great War could not easily be contained. I forged the box in a power greater than the gods themselves, the Flame of Olympus. As the raw metal took shape, I realized the Flame was the safest place to protect it. The lock was set. All that was needed was a key, a way to retrieve the box. Created from the very heart of the Flame, the key took on a life of its own. Pandora. A child. Neither living nor dead. I grew to love her, Spartan. And she grew to love me as her father. When Zeus came to take the box, I hid Pandora away. I told him that storing the box on the back of Cronos would be the safest place. After all, who could best the titan? I lied. I did it to save my child. Surely you can understand that. It was your triumph using the box that revealed my deceit. Zeus tortured me until I confessed the truth of my beloved Pandora. He took her away, leaving me alone in my torment. Don't you understand? If you take her to the flame... :'''Kratos''': Understand this, smith god. I will stop at nothing to destroy Zeus. :'''Hephaestus''': But if you— You're right, Spartan. If it means the death of Zeus, I'd be happy to help you. Perhaps... Yes, yes, of course. We'll need the Omphalos Stone. With it, I'll make you a weapon. :'''Kratos''': I have weapons. :'''Hephaestus''': Ah, but not like this. This weapon will give you the retribution you so rightly deserve. The stone rests in the Pit of Tartarus. Bring it to me and I will help you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Tartarus, Kratos finds himself on Gaia's hand, which is then lifted by Cronos.]'' :'''Cronos''': The murderer of Gaia enters my tomb?! :'''Kratos''': Cronos! :'''Cronos''': I know it was you who killed her, Spartan! Who else could?! I live in torment because of you. After you took the Box from Pandora's Temple, Zeus was consumed with fear. He banished me to the pits of Tartarus. :'''Kratos''': I was tasked by the gods to kill Ares. :'''Cronos''': You killed Ares out of your need for vengeance! But this time, retribution ''finally'' comes to me, Spartan! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kratos returns to Hephaestus after killing Cronos and obtaining the Omphalos Stone]'' :'''Hephaestus''': Kratos? :'''Kratos''': You sent me to my DEATH?! :'''Hephaestus''': No, no, no. Calm yourself, Kratos. I knew you were up to the challenge. I truly needed the Omphalos Stone. You'll see. :'''Kratos''': Make it quick, old man! ''[tosses the Omphalos Stone to Hephaestus]'' :'''Hephaestus''': A weapon such as this can't be rushed. This will be worth the wait. A fine weapon like no other. ''[Hephaestus is forging the Nemesis Whip]'' As I promised. ''[Hephaestus gives Kratos the Nemesis Whip and, taking advantage of the moment, attacks him.]'' Here is your retribution! ''[Hephaestus hits Kratos with his Ring in an attempt to electrocuting him to death, but when Kratos shrugs it off, he attempts to pummel the Spartan with his hammer. Kratos manages to throw the hammer away, after which he uses the Nemesis Whip to electrocute the Smith God, his ring falling to the side. Kratos then hits a lever, causing an anvil spike to impale Hephaestus in the stomach.]'' My beautiful Pandora...! Please... spare her... Pandora... forgive me... ''[Hephaestus dies.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kratos discovers Daedalus, who cannot see him clearly because he stands in the shadows]'' :'''Daedalus''': Who's there? My son! My beautiful Icarus! Ah... good, good. You have the Icestorm - the scorpion must be defeated. The Icestorm, that is the secret of the Labyrinth. To escape it, we must assemble it! Oh, good, good, you've already started. I've seen the cubes moving into place. Now, once inside, you must use the Gift of Boreas. It is the catalyst that drives the Labyrinth. ''[Kratos steps into view]'' Wait, you're not...? But... you're... But you...? What have...? What have you done with my child? My boy! Where is my boy?! :'''Kratos''': Your son is dead, Daedalus. :'''Daedalus''': ''[sorrowfully]'' My boy... my, my child... No, no, NO! I took the gift of Hades, the liquid fire. And the Icestorm to create the power of the Labyrinth. '''CREATE THE POWER!''' ''[voice echoes]'' The power to create... the power to destroy... The king of the gods has forsaken me! He said that if I built the Labyrinth, I would see the return of my son! He said... he, he said that if I took the liquid fire... Oh, my boy. Oh, my child... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora?! What has he done...? :'''Pandora''': He, he told me never talk to you again! He told me if I did, he would hurt you the way he hurt my father. :'''Kratos''': He won't. :'''Pandora''': He told me he would kill you. :'''Kratos''': He can't. We must leave this place. :'''Pandora''': Come. I can show you the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': Thank you, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': Our journey is far from over, Pandora. By its end, you will not be thanking me. :'''Pandora''': I know I look it, but I'm not a child, Kratos. I have seen many terrible things. I'm not afraid. I understand what lies ahead. I saw Zeus torture my father. I saw him beaten because of me. I should've helped him but I was afraid. :'''Kratos''': Hephaestus did what every father should do. Protect his child. :'''Pandora''': No. It's all my fault. I failed him because of fear. Fear is its own kind of darkness. In that darkness I heard what the Gods said about me. They called me a monster. :'''Kratos''': Words mean nothing. :'''Pandora''': Perhaps. But in their words, I heard fear. The fear of an ash-covered warrior. The fear of you. As the fear in the Gods rose, mine was replaced by hope. :'''Kratos''': Hope is for the weak, Pandora. :'''Pandora''': Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! :'''Kratos''': This is what hope delivers, child. You should learn that now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': The chain, Kratos. My father once told me it maintains the balance of power within Olympus. Break the chain to raise the labyrinth. :'''Kratos''': Wait here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': He knows, Kratos! Zeus knows I've escaped! Hurry! I can hear him! He's near! Please help me, Kratos! Hurry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora! ''[runs to her]'' Pandora! ''[sees Athena's ghost standing near her]'' Athena? :'''Pandora''': It's alright, Kratos. :'''Athena''': Remember your purpose, Spartan. Remember why you have come so far. Prepare yourself, Spartan. You know what you must do. :'''Kratos''': I will raise the labyrinth. I will take her where she belongs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On Mount Olympus, approaching the Flame of Olympus.]'' :'''Pandora''': There it is; I can see it, Kratos. In the darkness, the fires of Hope will set us free. ''[she tries to run for the Flame, but Kratos grabs her wrist.]'' :'''Kratos''': Pandora, no! :'''Pandora''': You know why I'm here. You brought me here to do this! :'''Kratos''': I will find another way—! :'''Pandora''': No, Kratos! There is no other way. Let me go! ''[she tries to struggle free]'' :'''Kratos''': NO, CHILD! :'''Pandora''': I am ''not'' a child! You're hurting me! ''[she pulls free of Kratos and heads for the Flame, only to run headlong into Zeus. Pandora screams as Zeus seizes her by the throat]'' Kratos! Help!!! :'''Kratos''': Put her down, Zeus! :'''Zeus''': Your obsession with this... this... ''thing''... has become somewhat of a nuisance, my son. :'''Kratos''': Release the girl, Zeus!! :'''Zeus''': Don't confuse this... ''object''... this construction of Hephaestus with your own flesh and blood! ''[mockingly, as he sees the glare on Kratos' face]'' But perhaps you already have, Spartan. Your quest for Pandora - your pathetic attempt for atonement from the family you slaughtered - has caused nothing but havoc on Olympus! ''[gestures to the destruction around them]'' Look around at what you have done! :'''Kratos''': ''[coldly]'' '''I see only what I have come to destroy.''' :'''Zeus''': Taking pity on you has been my greatest mistake, Kratos. Just as taking pity on this ''thing'' will prove to be ''your'' greatest mistake! :'''Kratos''': This has nothing to do with her! :'''Zeus''': ''[holding Pandora above his head]'' It has ''everything'' to do with her! :'''Kratos''': ''[draws his blades]'' <big>'''''PUT HER DOWN!!!''''' </big> :'''Zeus''': As you wish! ''[Zeus hurls Pandora aside, and he and Kratos hurl themselves into each other.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trying to stop Pandora from going to the Flames of Olympus.]'' :'''Kratos''': Pandora!! Pandora, no! :'''Zeus''': Stop her, Kratos! Do not let her go into the flame! :'''Pandora''': This is what I am meant to do! You know that! Please! :'''Zeus''': ''HUSH!'' :'''Pandora''': Kratos, you know this is the only way. :'''Zeus''': Don't listen to her, Kratos. For once in your pathetic life, don't fail. Don't fail her like you failed your family. :''[Kratos angrily screams, lets go of Pandora, and charges at Zeus before the light flashes.]'' :'''Kratos''': Pandora...! ''[he approaches the box]'' The power to kill a god. ''[He opens the box, but to his shock, the box is...]'' :'''Zeus''': ''[laughs]'' Empty?! After all you have sought, after all you have sacrificed, it ends in another stunning failure! ''[Kratos, enraged at Pandora's needless death, and Zeus' mockery of his failure, growls in anger. He turns to face Zeus but he vanishes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zeus''': ''[overlooking Greece]'' Such chaos... I will have much to do after I kill you. :'''Kratos''': Face me, father. It is time to end this. :'''Zeus''': Yes, my son. It is time. :''[they battle, as a pair of large hands, one made of earth and the other made of roots, lifts their platform up from the mountain. To Kratos' shock, it's...]'' :'''Gaia''': The reign of Olympus ends now! :'''Kratos''': Gaia! You live?! :'''Gaia''': My world. It bleeds because of you. I never sought your death, Spartan, but you have left me no choice. :'''Zeus''': Your pawn has failed you, Gaia. Perhaps you should have chosen the ''other one''. :'''Gaia''': Enough! Father and son will die together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zeus''': I grow weary of you, my son. ''[Zeus grabs Kratos and drains all of his powers.]'' '''I created you and I will be your end! Let the fear inside, Kratos!''' :''[Inside Kratos's subconscious...]'' :'''Zeus''': Nothing but darkness lies ahead, Kratos! :'''Calliope''': Father, please! Do not leave us again! Mother? What's happening outside? The people! The fires! :'''Lysandra''': Shh. Stay close, Calliope. :'''Calliope''': Mother, I'm scared... Are they coming to get us? :'''Lysandra''': Your father will protect us. :'''Kratos''': Burn this village! Burn it to the ground! :'''Calliope''': Daddy? :'''Lysandra''': Kratos? :'''Calliope''': Father? NO! No, father, no! :'''Kratos''': My wife... my child... How? They were left in Sparta. '''ARES!''' :'''Pandora''': Kratos! Come. I can show you the way. Hurry! I can help, Kratos. Kratos, in the darkness, the fires of hope will set us free. :'''Lysandra''': You can see the light. It is changing you. It is time to lay your fears to rest. The light reveals the truth. The power of forgiveness comes from within. To be forgiven, you must find the power to forgive yourself. :'''Pandora''': This way. :'''Athena''': No, Kratos! Stop! :'''Kratos''': Athena! No! :'''Athena''': Kratos, fear drove Zeus to kill his father, Cronos. The same fear that brought the Great War. A fear that drove Zeus to kill you, his own son. Zeus uses fear to keep you in the dark. Confront your demons and lay them to rest. :'''Pandora''': Over here, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': The Gods of Olympus have abandoned me. Now there is... :'''Alrik''': Do you remember that day, Spartan? :'''Hephaestus''': I won't allow you to hurt her! :'''Hera''': Good luck with that little whore you call Pandora. :'''Lakhesis''': You cannot change your destiny, mortal! :'''Gaia''': I gave you everything! :'''Daedalus''': Please! Don't do it, Spartan! :'''Cronos''': You have what you came for...! Let me be...! :'''Persephone''': Die, Spartan! :'''Hermes''': Today, you may defeat me. But in the end, Kratos, in the end, you'll betray only yourself. :'''Typhon''': You will pay for that, Kratos! :'''Hephaestus''': You will never find her! :'''Pandora''': Come. I can show you the way. :'''Zeus''': Die, Kratos! I created you and I will be your end! :'''Pandora''': Hurry! :'''Zeus''': '''''WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!''''' ''Die!'' Tremble in fear! :'''Pandora''': Kratos! Over here, Kratos. :'''Zeus''': ''HUSH!'' :'''Pandora''': Hurry, Kratos! Kratos, please. I need you to free me. :'''Zeus''': Don't listen to her, Kratos. For once in your pathetic life, don't fail. Don't fail her like you failed your family. :'''Pandora''': It's alright, Kratos. Kratos, you know this is the only way! As the fear in the Gods rose, mine was replaced by hope. :'''Kratos''': "The power to kill a god." :'''Pandora''': Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After finally killing Zeus, Kratos stares out over the destruction and chaos caused by the gods' deaths.]'' :'''Athena''': You have done well, Kratos. Freed from the bondage of Olympus and cleansed in chaos, mankind is now ready to hear my message. :'''Kratos''': Look around you, Athena! The world stands in ruin! What good is your message? :'''Athena''': Go if you must. But first, I insist you give me the power from inside the Box. :'''Kratos''': The Box... was empty. :'''Athena''': That can't be true. I can see it in your eyes. You used my power to kill Zeus. You still have it as we speak! Don't you understand? When Zeus gathered all the evils and placed them in the Box, I dreaded what would happen if it was opened again. And so, I summoned the most powerful weapon in the world, and I placed it in the Box. :'''Kratos''': I told you! It was empty. ''[sorrowfully]'' Pandora was sacrificed in vain. She died, because of my need for vengeance. :'''Athena''': You must be mistaken. You used my power to kill Zeus. I saw you do it... unless... Of course! When you opened the Box, you released the evils to the gods. Infected them. ''Changed'' them. Zeus himself fell prey to the dark evils. This is why he became so enraged and obsessed with your death. He was consumed by the evil Fear. I thought the power I placed in the Box was never released. All these years, I assumed you drew from the evils inside to destroy Ares. But I was wrong. The power you took from the Box is mine. From it, you gained the strength that Zeus could never destroy. A strength great enough to overcome Fear. Locked deep inside of you, Kratos... is Hope. :''[Kratos observes his hand glowing with energy, like it did when he killed Zeus.]'' :'''Athena''': It has remained buried, trapped by your guilt and the failures of your past. When you killed Zeus, you must have allowed something to awaken it. What was it, Kratos? :'''Pandora''': ''[in Kratos' memories]'' Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! :'''Athena''': ''[as Kratos stands silently]'' What was it, Kratos? :'''Kratos''': All I remember is what I have lost. :'''Athena''': That is why you should give ''me'' the power. I understand its true meaning and where it belongs. I trust you to do the right thing, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': You shouldn't. ''[kneels down by the Blade of Olympus]'' :'''Athena''': ''[angrily]'' You ''owe'' me this, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': ''[grabbing the Blade and turning on her]'' I owe you ''nothing!'' :'''Athena''': I made you a god! I sheltered you from the wrath of Olympus! I delivered your revenge on Zeus—! :'''Kratos''': It is over, Athena. :'''Athena''': You would dare strike me down? ''Again?!'' :'''Kratos''': ''[with grim finality]'' My vengeance... ends now. ''[raises the Blade]'' :'''Athena''': No!! / Kratos, no! / You can't! / How could you? :''[Kratos swings the Blade, but instead of striking Athena, he turns it towards himself and plunges it through his own body.]'' :'''Athena''': ''[horrified]'' You fool! What have you done?! '''''NOOO!!''''' :''[The power of Hope bursts free from Kratos and into the world.]'' :'''Athena''': That was meant for ''me!'' They will not know what to do with it! ''[approaches Kratos and pulls his head up]'' You... disappoint me, Spartan. :''[Kratos gives one last defiant grunt; Athena pulls the Blade out of him and leaves him and the Blade lying in a pool of blood, with him weakly laughing whilst taking his last breaths before dying.]'' :''[After the credits, the Blade of Olympus still lies there, but [[God of War (2018 video game)|Kratos has vanished, a trail of blood leading away from Olympus and into the chaos.]]]'' == Cast == *[[w:Terrence C. Carson|TC Carson]] - Kratos *[[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Zeus *[[w:Susan Blakeslee|Susan Blakeslee]] - Gaia *[[w:Erin Torpey|Erin Torpey]] - Athena *[[w:Natalie Lander|Natalie Lander]] - Pandora *[[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] - Hephaestus *[[w:April Stewart|April Stewart]] - Aphrodite *George Ball - Cronos *[[Malcolm McDowell]] - Daedalus *[[Clancy Brown]] - Hades *[[w:Crispin Freeman|Crispin Freeman]] - Helios *[[Adrienne Barbeau]] - Hera *[[w:Kevin Sorbo|Kevin Sorbo]] - Hercules *[[w:Greg Ellis|Greg Ellis]] - Hermes *[[w:Gideon Emery|Gideon Emery]] - Poseidon *[[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] - Calliope *[[w:Gwendoline Yeo|Gwendoline Yeo]] - Lysandra *[[w:Simon Templeman|Simon Templeman]] - Peirithous *[[w:Mark Moseley (actor)|Mark Moseley]] - King Minos *[[w:Linda Hunt|Linda Hunt]] - the Narrator *[[Elijah Wood]] - Deimos, Kratos' brother ''[heard in his psyche]'' == See also == *[[God of War (2005 video game)|God of War]] *[[God of War II]] *[[God of War: Chains of Olympus]] *[[God of War: Ghost of Sparta]] *[[God of War: Ascension]] *[[God of War (2018 video game)|God of War (2018)]] *[[God of War Ragnarök]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:God of War (series)]] [[Category:2010 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation 3 video games]] [[Category:Video games set in Greece]] [[Category:Apocalyptic video games]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:Video games about revenge]] pseisg44o3nw4fy8aipaakl35kd7n9o 3954321 3954318 2026-06-18T22:44:47Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dialogue */ 3954321 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Kratos cosplayer.jpg|thumb|My vengeance... ends now.]] {{italic title}} '''''[[w:God of War III|God of War III]]''''' is a 2010 video game released by [[w:SCE Santa Monica Studio|SCE Santa Monica Studio]] for the [[w:Playstation 3|Playstation 3]] console. It follows immediately after God of War II; Kratos, seeking revenge on Zeus, leads the Titans up Mt. Olympus. He is betrayed by Gaia, the mother of the Titans, and falls into the Underworld. With the help of Athena's spirit, he seeks retribution on the Titans as well as the gods. == Zeus == * My brothers. We were forged in victory. A victory that ended the Great War and brought forth the reign of Mount Olympus. Born from the depths of the Underworld, rooted in the River of Souls, our mountain emerged out of the chaos. As it grew, so too did the might of the Olympians. We created a world of peace, a world of prosperity. A world that lives in the shadow and safety of my mountain, a mountain that has come to be the absolute measure of strength and power! Now, on this day, that power is to be tested! The mortal, Kratos, seeks to destroy all that I have wrought! Brothers. Put aside the petty grievances that have splintered us for so long. We will unite, we will stand together, and I... will wipe out this plague! Olympus... ''will prevail!'' * ''Petulant child!'' I will tolerate your insolence '''''NO MORE!!!''''' * Your pawn has failed you, Gaia. Perhaps you should have chosen the ''other'' one. * Kratos. I'll put an end to this chaos! * I created you and I will be your end! * Surrender to me, and Pandora will live. * That thing has used you! * Why do you waste your time?! * Why won't you ''DIE?!'' Die! Tremble in fear. * I grow tired of you, my son. == Gaia == * Something has me! I cannot move, Kratos. FREE ME! * Kratos, the death of Zeus is within our reach! Climb to my hand! * If I help you, we will both fall. Even now, Zeus gains. * I saved you to serve the Titans. * Listen carefully, Kratos. You're just a simple pawn, nothing more. Zeus is no longer your concern. This is our war, not yours. * You live, Spartan? The blood of Cronos serves you well. Quickly! You must help me! * Kratos, do I mean nothing to you?! * The reign of Olympus ends now! * My world... it bleeds because of you. I never sought your death, Spartan, but you left me no choice! * <b>ENOUGH!</b> Father and son will die together! == Athena == * Death cannot hold those with purpose, Kratos. * I have missed you, Spartan. * You disappoint me, Spartan. == Hades == * I knew you would be back, Spartan. Did you miss me? * I can understand why Zeus was so taken with you, Kratos. You are a capable warrior. * Welcome, Spartan, come in! Make yourself at home. This time, you won't be leaving. * ''[as Kratos gazes upon the coffin of Persephone]'' Now, it falls to me to collect payment for the pain you have wrought. * Kratos. So glad you could carve out some time for us. You know, we need it. I sense some bad blood between us, Kratos. Oh, all the memories... they're overwhelming, really. Let's see... how many sins have you committed against me? Oh, that's right, you murdered my niece, Athena. And what else? ''What else?!'' Ah, and you killed my brother, Poseidon. '''AND I HAVE NOT FORGOTTEN THAT [[w:God of War: Chains of Olympus|IT WAS YOU WHO BUTCHERED MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN!]]''' I will see you suffer as ''I'' have suffered! Your soul is '''''MINE!''''' * You are in my domain now! * Your pain is my pleasure. * Torturing you is such fun. * Your death will only be the beginning of your suffering! * ''[after Kratos takes his hooks]'' MY KINGDOM! * YOU CANNOT DESTROY HELL! == Cronos == * The murderer of Gaia enters my tomb?! * Kratos, your death will not be a gentle one. * Time to die. * Ahh! My eyes...! * Aaaugh!!! '''Damn mortal!''' You will suffer when my sight returns! * What have you done to me?! * Where are you? * There you are! * Be still, Spartan! * There is no escape! * You little bastard! * You are a pest and deserve to be crushed like one! * You are clearly a skilled warrior, Kratos! * My eyes! I cannot see! * I know that you are here somewhere... * There you are, Kratos! Your fate is now in my hands! * I will make you into a bloody stain. * Kratos! * Where did you go? * By hiding you show your true nature coward! * Why do you flee, Kratos? * Enough. It is time to end this. Trust me. Eating you will be more unpleasant for me! * AAAH! You have what you came for...! Let me be...! * Curse these chains! * I should have expected this from a coward such as yourself! A coward who kills his own kin! * '''''KRATOS!!!''''' * '''''NOOOOO!!!''''' == Pandora == * ''[to Kratos]'' Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! == Others == :'''Narrator''': Before the age of the twilight set upon the gods, a legend rose to claim his place among them. And even though Kratos sat on the throne as the new God of War, he was haunted by visions of his family - a family he himself murdered. But the Hands of Death could not defeat him. The Sisters of Fate could not control him. And on this day, the man, the legend, Kratos, will have his revenge. :'''Hermes''': I thought Spartans fought with honor! And yet you seek to kill me when I have no way to defend myself? Not fair!... But you have your ''own'' sense of honor, right, Kratos?! And what has that "honor" brought you? Nothing but nightmares of your failure! Today you may defeat me, but in the end, Kratos... in the end, you'll betray only yourself. :'''Minos''': By the gods of Olympus and order of Zeus, we are the Three Judges. Face your final judgment, mortal. King Aeacus has found you wanting. King Rhadamanthus has found you worthy. It falls to me, King Minos, to make the final decision. Your future is cloaked in shadow. The realm of the afterlife is not yet ready for you. Beyond that door waits your destiny. :'''Hercules''': Think about it, brother. While I was stuck [[w:Augeus|cleaning the Augean stables]], he chose ''you'' to destroy Ares. ''[Kratos raises an eyebrow]'' Not convinced? How about this? While you were being crowned the god of war, ''I'' was sent to [[w:Hesperides|find an apple]]. They called them "labours". Ha! Perhaps he did allow me to kill the [[w:Nemean lion|Nemean lion]], but he made ''your'' name known amongst the people. A fierce warrior, a killer made hero, a ''man'' made a ''god''. But this time, brother... ''This'' time, ''I'' will destroy ''you''. Call it my thirteenth and final labour. Soon ''I'' will become the god of war and claim the throne ''for myself''. == Dialogue == :'''Zeus''': My brothers. We were forged in victory. A victory that ended the Great War and brought forth the reign of Mount Olympus. Born from the depths of the Underworld, rooted in the River of Souls, our mountain emerged out of the chaos. As it grew, so too did the might of the Olympians. We created a world of peace, a world of prosperity. A world that lives in the shadow and safety of my mountain, a mountain that has come to be the absolute measure of strength and power! Now, on this day, that power is to be tested! The mortal, Kratos, seeks to destroy all that I have wrought! Brothers. Put aside the petty grievances that have splintered us for so long. We will unite, we will stand together, and I... will wipe out this plague! Olympus... will prevail! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Zeus! Your son has returned! I bring the destruction of Olympus! :'''Helios''': The titans will fail again! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaia''': Something has me! I cannot move, Kratos. Free me! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hades''': Die! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaia''': Hurry, Spartan! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Poseidon''': You challenge ''me'', mortal? A god of Olympus?! :'''Kratos''': A true warrior does not hide, Poseidon. Leave the sea, and face me! :'''Poseidon''': You have disrespected the gods for the last time, Kratos! :'''Gaia''': Jump to my hand!/Kratos, jump to my hand! :''[Gaia punches Poseidon's watery construct in the chest, as Kratos rips Poseidon out and they land a nearby ledge and throws him against a wall. He looks at the construct, which dissipates into the sea.]'' :'''Poseidon''': Zeus should have kept you where you belonged. No matter how many gods fall, there will always be another to stand against you. :'''Kratos''': They will fall as well. :'''Poseidon''': The death of Olympus means the death of us all! :'''Kratos''': Then prepare for ''your'' death, Poseidon. ''[He beats Poseidon until he lands near the cliff. Kratos jams his thumbs into Poseidon's eyes, and snaps his neck like a twig. The god of the sea's body slowly encases in water as he falls from Olympus and lands into the sea. The oceans suddenly rise, and flood all of Greece.]'' :'''Gaia''': Kratos, the death of Zeus is within our reach! Climb to my hand! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': What will you do, Father? You can no longer hide behind the skirts of Athena. :'''Zeus''': Athena is dead because of the rage that consumes you, Kratos. What more will you destroy? :'''Kratos''': The Hands of Death could not defeat me, the Sisters of Fate could not hold me, and ''you''... will not see the end of this day! I ''WILL'' have my '''''revenge!''''' :'''Zeus''': ''Petulant child!'' I will tolerate your insolence '''NO MORE!''' :''[Zeus summons a large lightning bolt and throws it at Kratos. He manages to absorb it with the Golden Fleece, but most of Gaia's hand is severed, and both Kratos and Gaia are sent tumbling down Mt. Olympus. Gaia manages to grab a ledge.]'' :'''Kratos''': ''[struggling to hold onto Gaia's back]'' Gaia!! I can hold on no longer! :'''Gaia''': ''[still struggling to hold on the ledge]'' If I help you, we will both fall. Even now, Zeus gains. ''[grabs hold of a higher ledge]'' :'''Kratos''': ''[stabs the Blade of Olympus into her back, but slides back]'' The destruction of Zeus is why you saved me from death! :'''Gaia''': I saved you to serve the Titans! :'''Kratos''': <big>'''''DO NOT DENY ME MY REVENGE!''''' </big> :'''Gaia''': Listen carefully, Kratos. You were a simple pawn, nothing more. Zeus is no longer your concern. This is our war, not yours. :'''Kratos''': ''[loses hold of the Blade and falls]'' <big>'''''GAIAAAAA!!!'''''</big> Whoooaaaa! ''[speaking in his mind]'' I have lived as a warrior. I have died as a god. Having suffered the ultimate sacrifice, I have been denied release. I... I ''will'' defeat Olympus. I ''will'' have my revenge. ''[lands in the River Styx]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': ''[leaving the River Styx, weakened by the souls in the river]'' We are not finished, Zeus. The gates of Hades have ''never'' held me! :'''Athena''': ''[as a spirit, appears behind Kratos]'' Death cannot hold those with purpose, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': Athena...? :'''Athena''': I have missed you, Spartan. :'''Kratos''': I... I don't— :'''Athena''': My sacrifice to save Zeus has brought me to a higher existence. :'''Kratos''': You still appear to be an Olympian. :'''Athena''': Appearances can be deceiving, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': So can the children of Olympus. :'''Athena''': Perhaps. But remember: my death came by ''your'' blade. :'''Kratos''': My blade was meant for Zeus. Be quick with your words. :'''Athena''': As we speak, the war for Olympus rages on and mankind suffers. :'''Kratos''': Let them suffer. The death of Zeus is all that matters. :'''Athena''': Zeus will not fall as easily as Ares. To destroy the King of the Gods, you must seek the source of his strength: the Flame of Olympus. :'''Kratos''': You once sacrificed yourself to save Zeus, and now you seek to destroy him? What has brought about this change? :'''Athena''': I see truths where I did not before. ''[goes through Kratos and grabs the ruined Blades of Athena]'' Perhaps these will earn back your trust. ''[uses her powers to transform them into the Blades of Exile]'' These are the Blades of Exile. These will help guide you on your journey to the Flame. ''[sends them forward to Kratos' hands]'' Remember, as long as Zeus reigns, there is no hope for mankind. Destroy the Flame, Kratos, and the very foundations of Olympus will crumble. ''[fades away]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': ''[appearing in a small flame]'' Father? :'''Kratos''': Calliope...? :'''Pandora''': Oh... :'''Kratos''': You are not my daughter. :'''Pandora''': No, but I know who ''you'' are. :'''Kratos''': You know of me? :'''Pandora''': They said you would come. :'''Hades''': ''[his voice echoing about]'' Playing with toys, Kratos? :'''Kratos''': Show yourself, Hades. Another one of your tricks? :'''Hades''': ''[laughs]'' As usual, Spartan, you are gravely mistaken. :'''Kratos''': Face me, coward! :'''Hades''': So eager, Kratos. ''Relax''. Soon enough, we will have our time to play... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hephaestus''': ''[sorrowful]'' Leave me be. I tell you... I have paid the price. :'''Kratos''': Calm yourself, smith-god. :'''Hephaestus''': Ghost of Sparta? It ''is'' you... Well, well, well... I thought Zeus would have killed you by now. :'''Kratos''': I thought you would have escaped this cavern by now. :'''Hephaestus''': Zeus may have imprisoned me here, but ''you'' are the reason I live in torment. :'''Kratos''': I did you no wrong, Hephaestus. I pursue only ''one'' Olympian. :'''Hephaestus''': Well, as long as it's only one Olympian. ''[laughs]'' :'''Kratos''': I seek the Flame of Olympus. Do you know of it? :'''Hephaestus''' For what purpose, Spartan? :'''Kratos''': For the purpose I have chosen. Now tell me, do you know of the Flame? :'''Hephaestus''': All true children of Olympus know of it. We have all come to respect its power, but don't be fooled by its enticing glow. Neither god nor man can touch its lethal flame. :'''Kratos''': I only need to find it. :'''Hephaestus''': ''[chuckles]'' If you can find your way out of the Underworld, I am sure you can find your way to the Flame of Olympus. :'''Kratos''': ''[leaving, mockingly]'' You have been ''truly'' helpful, Hephaestus. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After killing Hades, Kratos again meets Hephaestus]'' :'''Hephaestus''': Kratos! Can it be? Does this mean Lord Hades rules no longer? :'''Kratos''': The god of the Underworld is dead. :'''Hephaestus''': Dead? Ha! Hades deserved to suffer, though I thought his death impossible. :'''Kratos''': Olympians overestimate themselves. :'''Hephaestus''': Interesting... I will keep that in mind, Spartan. ''[laughs]'' :''[Kratos looks towards a glowing gate high in the cave.]'' :'''Hephaestus''': You need the soul of a god to use the Hyperion Gate, Kratos. And that one has not been used for centuries. I'm sure it's broken; otherwise I would have seen my beautiful... ''[holds back a sob]'' You know, Kratos, I wasn't always like this: a ''monster''. I was once the most prized craftsman in all of Olympus. Zeus rewarded me with my marriage to the beautiful Aphrodite. My mother Hera bragged of my talent. But the day you killed Ares was the day my world was torn from me. That day, Zeus became the fiend you now know. Worst of all, he took my beloved daughter, Pandora, my reason for living. I spend my time here trying to recreate her. ''[gestures towards lifeless replicas of Pandora hanging from the ceiling]'' I fail, again and again. She still lives, Spartan. I can feel it... You... ''You'', Kratos! You can bring her back to me. :'''Kratos''': Your child is not my concern. :'''Hephaestus''': But surely you can understand? You were once a father too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Athena''': Remember your purpose, Kratos. His death is our only hope. :'''Kratos''': Understand this, Athena. Zeus... will... ''die.'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gaia''': You live, Spartan? The blood of Cronos serves you well. Quickly! You must help me! :'''Kratos''': Help? You? :'''Gaia''': Yes, child. Quickly! I suffer greatly. I tried to return to battle but— :'''Kratos''': Without ''me?'' :'''Gaia''': You know I had no choice! You must help me! :''[Kratos starts severing Gaia's hand in order to give him a better path.]'' :'''Gaia''': Kratos, do I mean ''nothing'' to you? :'''Kratos''': You were a means to an end, Gaia. Nothing more. :'''Gaia''': But I must face Zeus. The Titans must take down Olympus. :'''Kratos''': '''''NO!''''' This is ''my'' war, ''not yours!'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Helios''': Kratos. I have not forgotten the debt I owe you. Save me now, as you once saved me from Atlas, and I promise to repay you in full. :'''Kratos''': If you wish to repay me, tell me where I can find the Flame of Olympus! :'''Helios''': The Flame...? You will never defeat Zeus, Spartan. You will forfeit your life in trying. :'''Kratos''': Of all the lives you should worry about, Helios... mine is not one of them. :'''Helios''': Feel the power of the ''sun''! ''[tries to blind Kratos using his powers, but Kratos blocks the light and stomps his head to the ground several times; grabs Kratos' foot.]'' Wait! Wait! I can tell you that to destroy Zeus, you must step into the Flame to receive its power. :'''Kratos''': ''[angrily]'' '''YOU ''LIE'', HELIOS!''' Hephaestus told me the Flame kills all who touch it! :'''Helios''': And you believe him? That freak has fallen from the graces of Olympus. :'''Kratos''': That is ''exactly'' why I believe him! :'''Helios''': My death will ''not'' lead you to Zeus. :'''Kratos''': ''That,'' is where you are '''wrong'''. ''[grabs Helios by the neck and twists it, but Helios' resistance causes Kratos to hit him in the head. Leans back and rips Helios' head from his body. Helios' head lets loose a blood-curdling scream, causing the sun to be blocked by never-ending storm clouds.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': Kratos! It's getting close. :'''Kratos''': I told you; I cannot help you. :'''Pandora''': But you're the only one who can. I know it. I trust you. :'''Kratos''': ''[sternly]'' You shouldn't. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': ''[meeting Kratos where the Chain of Balance connects the Labyrinth; laughs]'' Look who it is. Kratos, the Ghost of Sparta. The fallen god. The cursed mortal. :'''Kratos''': To catch a fly from the ass of Zeus is not worth my time, Hermes. :'''Hermes''': A coward's words, Kratos. You don't try to catch me because you know you can't. ''[runs and sits on the edge of one of the Labyrinth boxes; mockingly]'' Kratos, where are you off to today? ''[laughs]'' Kill any family members lately?! Oh, that's right! You're off to kill your father, Zeus. ''[laughs mockingly]'' Won't happen, can't happen. Kratos is on a fool's errand... again! ::♪ ''Never, never learn.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Never, never change.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Kratos, the fool who killed his own blood;'' ♪ ::♪ ''Kratos, the fool amongst mortals and gods.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Forever ever cursed,'' ♪ ::♪ ''Forever ever doomed.'' ♪ ::♪ ''Consumed by vengeance to his last breath,'' ♪ ::♪ ''The Spartan lights the way to dusty death.'' ♪ :''[Hermes runs up the chain of Olympus, laughing mockingly.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora's Box...? ''[Athena interrupts Kratos from touching the box.]'' What is the meaning of this? :'''Athena''': Your eyes do not deceive you, Kratos. It is the same box you opened years ago. The power to kill a God still rests inside. :'''Kratos''': I released those powers when I killed Ares. :'''Athena''': No. Trapped inside that box there is a stronger power. It has been missing from the world. It all began when Zeus triumphed over the Titans in the Great War. Zeus understood that the evils born from that battle, if left free, would destroy the world of man and gods. To contain these evils, Zeus commissioned Hephaestus to build a vessel strong enough to hold them. Fear. Greed. Hate. He locked them all away in the box in hopes that they would never again infect his reign. When you opened the box to kill Ares, you drew from the forbidden powers. After witnessing your victory, Fear gripped Zeus. :'''Kratos''': But the flame is deadly. How can I recover the box? :'''Athena''': With its namesake, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': Pandora? :'''Athena''': She is the key to destroying the flame, the key to our revenge. This will be difficult, Spartan. :'''Kratos''': A simple child will not trouble me, Athena. :'''Athena''': I hope you are right, Ghost of Sparta. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hermes''': I thought Spartans fought with honor! And yet you seek to kill me when I have no way to defend myself? Not fair!... But you have your own sense of honor, right, Kratos?! And what has that "honor" brought you? Nothing but nightmares of your failure! Today you may defeat me, but in the end, Kratos... in the end, you'll betray only yourself. ''[Kratos grabs and throws Hermes into the wall and slices one of Hermes's legs. Hermes screams in pain and fear.]'' Leave me alone! Go away! ''[Kratos grabs Hermes and slices the last of Hermes's legs, causing his death to be consumed by never-ending plagues. Kratos acquired the Boots of Hermes and subsequently swatted a fly from his chest.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hera''': ''[upon Kratos entering the forum, drunken]'' Bravo. Bravo. Our hero has arrived. Applause for another bastard child of Zeus. Just in time for the final act. :'''Kratos''': Hera. :'''Hera''': You look terrible, dear. Still wanting to kill my husband, I suppose? :'''Kratos''': You know I seek revenge on Zeus. :'''Hera''': Can't say that I blame you. Since you killed my son, Ares, fear of you consumes him. :'''Kratos''': His fears will not matter when he is dead. :'''Hera''': I'll drink to that. :'''Kratos''': Hera. I seek the child Pandora. :'''Hera''': Pandora...? That wretched little thing my son Hephaestus created? Well... we can't have you do that, my dear. ''[to an unseen person]'' Destroy him. :''[a thumping sound is heard, Kratos looks unintimidatedly at the tall, muscular man in front of him.]'' :'''Hercules''': Hello, brother. :'''Kratos''': This is not between us, Hercules. :'''Hercules''': Isn't it? You were always Zeus' favorite. :'''Kratos''': The air on Olympus affects your thinking, brother. Zeus has no favorites. :'''Hercules''': Think about it, brother. While I was stuck [[w:Augeus|cleaning the Augean stables]], he chose ''you'' to destroy Ares. ''[Kratos raises an eyebrow]'' Not convinced? How about this? While you were being crowned the god of war, ''I'' was sent to [[w:Hesperides|find an apple]]. ''[Hera laughs drunkenly]'' They called them "labours". Ha! Perhaps he did allow me to kill the [[w:Nemean lion|Nemean lion]], but he made ''your'' name known amongst the people. A fierce warrior, a killer made hero, a ''man'' made a ''god''. But this time, brother... ''This'' time, ''I'' will destroy ''you''. Call it my thirteenth and final labour. Soon ''I'' will become the god of war and claim the throne ''for myself''. :'''Kratos''': You aspire to be an Olympian, yet their reign is ending, Hercules. :'''Hercules''': We'll see about that. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora? :'''Pandora''': Kratos. I knew you'd come back. :'''Kratos''': Tell me where you are. :'''Pandora''': I hear something. He's close. :'''Kratos''': Just tell me how to find you. :'''Pandora''': The Labyrinth! Find the Labyri—! ''[Pandora screams.]'' Help! Help, Kratos! :'''Kratos''': Pandora! Pandora, what's happened?! Where are you?! :'''Zeus''': My son. You trifle with matters you cannot possibly understand. Stay away from this... this... thing! :'''Kratos''': Zeus! '''''ZEUS!''''' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Aphrodite''': ''[Upon seeing Kratos, sends her handmaidens away.]'' Be gone. Kratos, it's been so long. Even though you are no longer the god of war, you can still share my bed. :'''Kratos''': I have no time for games, Aphrodite. :'''Aphrodite''': Do you know how long it's been since a real man has come into my chambers? Those bridges outside are nearly destroyed. Zeus refuses to have that stupid mortal, Daedalus, stop working on his precious Labyrinth to fix them. ''[Kratos looks in the direction of the bridges.]'' Ahhhh, is that what has you all worked up? You are trying to figure out that bridge contraption out there. You men and your toys! The only one who could fix those bridges is my husband and we both know he's worthless. Now I ask again, Kratos. Will you stay? :''[After having sex with Aphrodite, Kratos walks away from her bed.]'' :'''Aphrodite''': You men and your need for war and vengeance. Talk to my husband if you must! You can get to him through there. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hephaestus''': Aphrodite? I knew you would return to me— Kratos? Tell me. Has Aphrodite conquered another god of war? :'''Kratos''': That is a question you should ask your wife. I seek the Labyrinth. :'''Hephaestus''': I thought you sought only the Flame. What could you possibly want in—? No! Stay away from her! Stay away from Pandora, Kratos! You are the reason she is in the Labyrinth! The reason I live here in hell! :'''Kratos''': I have done you no wrong, Hephaestus! :'''Hephaestus''': Oh, but you have, Spartan. You opened the box. :'''Kratos''': I did what had to be done. :'''Hephaestus''': Clearly you don't understand. The evils of the Great War could not easily be contained. I forged the box in a power greater than the gods themselves, the Flame of Olympus. As the raw metal took shape, I realized the Flame was the safest place to protect it. The lock was set. All that was needed was a key, a way to retrieve the box. Created from the very heart of the Flame, the key took on a life of its own. Pandora. A child. Neither living nor dead. I grew to love her, Spartan. And she grew to love me as her father. When Zeus came to take the box, I hid Pandora away. I told him that storing the box on the back of Cronos would be the safest place. After all, who could best the titan? I lied. I did it to save my child. Surely you can understand that. It was your triumph using the box that revealed my deceit. Zeus tortured me until I confessed the truth of my beloved Pandora. He took her away, leaving me alone in my torment. Don't you understand? If you take her to the flame... :'''Kratos''': Understand this, smith god. I will stop at nothing to destroy Zeus. :'''Hephaestus''': But if you— You're right, Spartan. If it means the death of Zeus, I'd be happy to help you. Perhaps... Yes, yes, of course. We'll need the Omphalos Stone. With it, I'll make you a weapon. :'''Kratos''': I have weapons. :'''Hephaestus''': Ah, but not like this. This weapon will give you the retribution you so rightly deserve. The stone rests in the Pit of Tartarus. Bring it to me and I will help you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Tartarus, Kratos finds himself on Gaia's hand, which is then lifted by Cronos.]'' :'''Cronos''': The murderer of Gaia enters my tomb?! :'''Kratos''': Cronos! :'''Cronos''': I know it was you who killed her, Spartan! Who else could?! I live in torment because of you. After you took the Box from Pandora's Temple, Zeus was consumed with fear. He banished me to the pits of Tartarus. :'''Kratos''': I was tasked by the gods to kill Ares. :'''Cronos''': You killed Ares out of your need for vengeance! But this time, retribution ''finally'' comes to me, Spartan! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kratos returns to Hephaestus after killing Cronos and obtaining the Omphalos Stone]'' :'''Hephaestus''': Kratos? :'''Kratos''': You sent me to my DEATH?! :'''Hephaestus''': No, no, no. Calm yourself, Kratos. I knew you were up to the challenge. I truly needed the Omphalos Stone. You'll see. :'''Kratos''': Make it quick, old man! ''[tosses the Omphalos Stone to Hephaestus]'' :'''Hephaestus''': A weapon such as this can't be rushed. This will be worth the wait. A fine weapon like no other. ''[Hephaestus is forging the Nemesis Whip]'' As I promised. ''[Hephaestus gives Kratos the Nemesis Whip and, taking advantage of the moment, attacks him.]'' Here is your retribution! ''[Hephaestus hits Kratos with his Ring in an attempt to electrocuting him to death, but when Kratos shrugs it off, he attempts to pummel the Spartan with his hammer. Kratos manages to throw the hammer away, after which he uses the Nemesis Whip to electrocute the Smith God, his ring falling to the side. Kratos then hits a lever, causing an anvil spike to impale Hephaestus in the stomach.]'' My beautiful Pandora...! Please... spare her... Pandora... forgive me... ''[Hephaestus dies.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kratos discovers Daedalus, who cannot see him clearly because he stands in the shadows]'' :'''Daedalus''': Who's there? My son! My beautiful Icarus! Ah... good, good. You have the Icestorm - the scorpion must be defeated. The Icestorm, that is the secret of the Labyrinth. To escape it, we must assemble it! Oh, good, good, you've already started. I've seen the cubes moving into place. Now, once inside, you must use the Gift of Boreas. It is the catalyst that drives the Labyrinth. ''[Kratos steps into view]'' Wait, you're not...? But... you're... But you...? What have...? What have you done with my child? My boy! Where is my boy?! :'''Kratos''': Your son is dead, Daedalus. :'''Daedalus''': ''[sorrowfully]'' My boy... my, my child... No, no, NO! I took the gift of Hades, the liquid fire. And the Icestorm to create the power of the Labyrinth. '''CREATE THE POWER!''' ''[voice echoes]'' The power to create... the power to destroy... The king of the gods has forsaken me! He said that if I built the Labyrinth, I would see the return of my son! He said... he, he said that if I took the liquid fire... Oh, my boy. Oh, my child... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora?! What has he done...? :'''Pandora''': He, he told me never talk to you again! He told me if I did, he would hurt you the way he hurt my father. :'''Kratos''': He won't. :'''Pandora''': He told me he would kill you. :'''Kratos''': He can't. We must leave this place. :'''Pandora''': Come. I can show you the way. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': Thank you, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': Our journey is far from over, Pandora. By its end, you will not be thanking me. :'''Pandora''': I know I look it, but I'm not a child, Kratos. I have seen many terrible things. I'm not afraid. I understand what lies ahead. I saw Zeus torture my father. I saw him beaten because of me. I should've helped him but I was afraid. :'''Kratos''': Hephaestus did what every father should do. Protect his child. :'''Pandora''': No. It's all my fault. I failed him because of fear. Fear is its own kind of darkness. In that darkness I heard what the Gods said about me. They called me a monster. :'''Kratos''': Words mean nothing. :'''Pandora''': Perhaps. But in their words, I heard fear. The fear of an ash-covered warrior. The fear of you. As the fear in the Gods rose, mine was replaced by hope. :'''Kratos''': Hope is for the weak, Pandora. :'''Pandora''': Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! :''[Kratos opens the doors of the Labyrinth, revealing the broken body of Daedalus]'' :'''Kratos''': This is what hope delivers, child. You should learn that now. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': The chain, Kratos. My father once told me it maintains the balance of power within Olympus. Break the chain to raise the Labyrinth. :'''Kratos''': Wait here. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Pandora''': He knows, Kratos! Zeus knows I've escaped! Hurry! I can hear him! He's near! Please help me, Kratos! Hurry! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kratos''': Pandora! ''[runs to her]'' Pandora! ''[sees Athena's ghost standing near her]'' Athena? :'''Pandora''': It's alright, Kratos. :'''Athena''': Remember your purpose, Spartan. Remember why you have come so far. Prepare yourself, Spartan. You know what you must do. :'''Kratos''': I will raise the Labyrinth. I will take her where she belongs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[On Mount Olympus, approaching the Flame of Olympus.]'' :'''Pandora''': There it is; I can see it, Kratos. In the darkness, the fires of Hope will set us free. ''[she tries to run for the Flame, but Kratos grabs her wrist.]'' :'''Kratos''': Pandora, no! :'''Pandora''': You know why I'm here. You brought me here to do this! :'''Kratos''': I will find another way—! :'''Pandora''': No, Kratos! There is no other way. Let me go! ''[she tries to struggle free]'' :'''Kratos''': NO, CHILD! :'''Pandora''': I am ''not'' a child! You're hurting me! ''[she pulls free of Kratos and heads for the Flame, only to run headlong into Zeus. Pandora screams as Zeus seizes her by the throat]'' Kratos! ''HELP!'' :'''Kratos''': Put her down, Zeus! :'''Zeus''': Your obsession with this... this... ''thing''... has become somewhat of a nuisance, my son. :'''Kratos''': Release the girl, Zeus! :'''Zeus''': Don't confuse this... ''object''... this construction of Hephaestus with your own flesh and blood! ''[mockingly, as he sees the glare on Kratos' face]'' But perhaps you already have, Spartan. Your quest for Pandora - your pathetic attempt for atonement from the family you slaughtered - has caused nothing but havoc on Olympus! ''[gestures to the destruction around them]'' Look around at what you have done! :'''Kratos''': ''[coldly]'' '''I see only what I have come to destroy.''' :'''Zeus''': Taking pity on you has been my greatest mistake, Kratos. Just as taking pity on this ''thing'' will prove to be ''your'' greatest mistake! :'''Kratos''': This has nothing to do with her! :'''Zeus''': ''[holding Pandora above his head]'' It has ''everything'' to do with her! :'''Kratos''': ''[draws his blades]'' <big>'''''PUT HER DOWN!!!'''''</big> :'''Zeus''': As you wish! ''[Zeus hurls Pandora aside, and he and Kratos hurl themselves into each other]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Trying to stop Pandora from going to the Flames of Olympus.]'' :'''Kratos''': Pandora!! Pandora, no! :'''Zeus''': Stop her, Kratos! Do not let her go into the flame! :'''Pandora''': This is what I am meant to do! You know that! Please! :'''Zeus''': ''HUSH!'' :'''Pandora''': Kratos, you know this is the only way. :'''Zeus''': Don't listen to her, Kratos. For once in your pathetic life, don't fail. Don't fail her like you failed your family. :''[Kratos angrily screams, lets go of Pandora, and charges at Zeus before the light flashes.]'' :'''Kratos''': Pandora...! ''[he approaches the box]'' The power to kill a god. ''[He opens the box, but to his shock, the box is...]'' :'''Zeus''': ''[laughs]'' Empty?! After all you have sought, after all you have sacrificed, it ends in another stunning failure! ''[Kratos, enraged at Pandora's needless death, and Zeus' mockery of his failure, growls in anger. He turns to face Zeus but he vanishes.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zeus''': ''[overlooking Greece]'' Such chaos... I will have much to do after I kill you. :'''Kratos''': Face me, father. It is time to end this. :'''Zeus''': Yes, my son. It is time. :''[they battle, as a pair of large hands, one made of earth and the other made of roots, lifts their platform up from the mountain. To Kratos' shock, it's...]'' :'''Gaia''': The reign of Olympus ends now! :'''Kratos''': Gaia! You live?! :'''Gaia''': My world. It bleeds because of you. I never sought your death, Spartan, but you have left me no choice. :'''Zeus''': Your pawn has failed you, Gaia. Perhaps you should have chosen the ''other one''. :'''Gaia''': Enough! Father and son will die together! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Zeus''': I grow weary of you, my son. ''[Zeus grabs Kratos and drains all of his powers.]'' '''I created you and I will be your end! Let the fear inside, Kratos!''' :''[Inside Kratos's subconscious...]'' :'''Zeus''': Nothing but darkness lies ahead, Kratos! :'''Calliope''': Father, please! Do not leave us again! Mother? What's happening outside? The people! The fires! :'''Lysandra''': Shh. Stay close, Calliope. :'''Calliope''': Mother, I'm scared... Are they coming to get us? :'''Lysandra''': Your father will protect us. :'''Kratos''': Burn this village! Burn it to the ground! :'''Calliope''': Daddy? :'''Lysandra''': Kratos? :'''Calliope''': Father? NO! No, father, no! :'''Kratos''': My wife... my child... How? They were left in Sparta. '''ARES!''' :'''Pandora''': Kratos! Come. I can show you the way. Hurry! I can help, Kratos. Kratos, in the darkness, the fires of hope will set us free. :'''Lysandra''': You can see the light. It is changing you. It is time to lay your fears to rest. The light reveals the truth. The power of forgiveness comes from within. To be forgiven, you must find the power to forgive yourself. :'''Pandora''': This way. :'''Athena''': No, Kratos! Stop! :'''Kratos''': Athena! No! :'''Athena''': Kratos, fear drove Zeus to kill his father, Cronos. The same fear that brought the Great War. A fear that drove Zeus to kill you, his own son. Zeus uses fear to keep you in the dark. Confront your demons and lay them to rest. :'''Pandora''': Over here, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': The Gods of Olympus have abandoned me. Now there is... :'''Alrik''': Do you remember that day, Spartan? :'''Hephaestus''': I won't allow you to hurt her! :'''Hera''': Good luck with that little whore you call Pandora. :'''Lakhesis''': You cannot change your destiny, mortal! :'''Gaia''': I gave you everything! :'''Daedalus''': Please! Don't do it, Spartan! :'''Cronos''': You have what you came for...! Let me be...! :'''Persephone''': Die, Spartan! :'''Hermes''': Today, you may defeat me. But in the end, Kratos, in the end, you'll betray only yourself. :'''Typhon''': You will pay for that, Kratos! :'''Hephaestus''': You will never find her! :'''Pandora''': Come. I can show you the way. :'''Zeus''': Die, Kratos! I created you and I will be your end! :'''Pandora''': Hurry! :'''Zeus''': '''''WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!''''' ''Die!'' Tremble in fear! :'''Pandora''': Kratos! Over here, Kratos. :'''Zeus''': ''HUSH!'' :'''Pandora''': Hurry, Kratos! Kratos, please. I need you to free me. :'''Zeus''': Don't listen to her, Kratos. For once in your pathetic life, don't fail. Don't fail her like you failed your family. :'''Pandora''': It's alright, Kratos. Kratos, you know this is the only way! As the fear in the Gods rose, mine was replaced by hope. :'''Kratos''': "The power to kill a god." :'''Pandora''': Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After finally killing Zeus, Kratos stares out over the destruction and chaos caused by the gods' deaths.]'' :'''Athena''': You have done well, Kratos. Freed from the bondage of Olympus and cleansed in chaos, mankind is now ready to hear my message. :'''Kratos''': Look around you, Athena! The world stands in ruin! What good is your message? :'''Athena''': Go if you must. But first, I insist you give me the power from inside the Box. :'''Kratos''': The Box... was empty. :'''Athena''': That can't be true. I can see it in your eyes. You used my power to kill Zeus. You still have it as we speak! Don't you understand? When Zeus gathered all the evils and placed them in the Box, I dreaded what would happen if it was opened again. And so, I summoned the most powerful weapon in the world, and I placed it in the Box. :'''Kratos''': I told you! It was empty. ''[sorrowfully]'' Pandora was sacrificed in vain. She died, because of my need for vengeance. :'''Athena''': You must be mistaken. You used my power to kill Zeus. I saw you do it... unless... Of course! When you opened the Box, you released the evils to the gods. Infected them. ''Changed'' them. Zeus himself fell prey to the dark evils. This is why he became so enraged and obsessed with your death. He was consumed by the evil Fear. I thought the power I placed in the Box was never released. All these years, I assumed you drew from the evils inside to destroy Ares. But I was wrong. The power you took from the Box is mine. From it, you gained the strength that Zeus could never destroy. A strength great enough to overcome Fear. Locked deep inside of you, Kratos... is Hope. :''[Kratos observes his hand glowing with energy, like it did when he killed Zeus.]'' :'''Athena''': It has remained buried, trapped by your guilt and the failures of your past. When you killed Zeus, you must have allowed something to awaken it. What was it, Kratos? :'''Pandora''': ''[in Kratos' memories]'' Hope is what makes us strong! It is why we are here! It is what we fight with when all else is lost! :'''Athena''': ''[as Kratos stands silently]'' What was it, Kratos? :'''Kratos''': All I remember is what I have lost. :'''Athena''': That is why you should give ''me'' the power. I understand its true meaning and where it belongs. I trust you to do the right thing, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': You shouldn't. ''[kneels down by the Blade of Olympus]'' :'''Athena''': ''[angrily]'' You ''owe'' me this, Kratos. :'''Kratos''': ''[grabbing the Blade and turning on her]'' I owe you ''nothing!'' :'''Athena''': I made you a god! I sheltered you from the wrath of Olympus! I delivered your revenge on Zeus—! :'''Kratos''': It is over, Athena. :'''Athena''': You would dare strike me down? ''Again?!'' :'''Kratos''': ''[with grim finality]'' My vengeance... ends now. ''[raises the Blade]'' :'''Athena''': No!! / Kratos, no! / You can't! / How could you? :''[Kratos swings the Blade, but instead of striking Athena, he turns it towards himself and plunges it through his own body.]'' :'''Athena''': ''[horrified]'' You fool! What have you done?! '''''NOOO!!''''' :''[The power of Hope bursts free from Kratos and into the world.]'' :'''Athena''': That was meant for ''me!'' They will not know what to do with it! ''[approaches Kratos and pulls his head up]'' You... disappoint me, Spartan. :''[Kratos gives one last defiant grunt; Athena pulls the Blade out of him and leaves him and the Blade lying in a pool of blood, with him weakly laughing whilst taking his last breaths before dying.]'' :''[After the credits, the Blade of Olympus still lies there, but [[God of War (2018 video game)|Kratos has vanished, a trail of blood leading away from Olympus and into the chaos.]]]'' == Cast == *[[w:Terrence C. Carson|TC Carson]] - Kratos *[[w:Corey Burton|Corey Burton]] - Zeus *[[w:Susan Blakeslee|Susan Blakeslee]] - Gaia *[[w:Erin Torpey|Erin Torpey]] - Athena *[[w:Natalie Lander|Natalie Lander]] - Pandora *[[w:Rip Torn|Rip Torn]] - Hephaestus *[[w:April Stewart|April Stewart]] - Aphrodite *George Ball - Cronos *[[Malcolm McDowell]] - Daedalus *[[Clancy Brown]] - Hades *[[w:Crispin Freeman|Crispin Freeman]] - Helios *[[Adrienne Barbeau]] - Hera *[[w:Kevin Sorbo|Kevin Sorbo]] - Hercules *[[w:Greg Ellis|Greg Ellis]] - Hermes *[[w:Gideon Emery|Gideon Emery]] - Poseidon *[[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] - Calliope *[[w:Gwendoline Yeo|Gwendoline Yeo]] - Lysandra *[[w:Simon Templeman|Simon Templeman]] - Peirithous *[[w:Mark Moseley (actor)|Mark Moseley]] - King Minos *[[w:Linda Hunt|Linda Hunt]] - the Narrator *[[Elijah Wood]] - Deimos, Kratos' brother ''[heard in his psyche]'' == See also == *[[God of War (2005 video game)|God of War]] *[[God of War II]] *[[God of War: Chains of Olympus]] *[[God of War: Ghost of Sparta]] *[[God of War: Ascension]] *[[God of War (2018 video game)|God of War (2018)]] *[[God of War Ragnarök]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:God of War (series)]] [[Category:2010 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation 3 video games]] [[Category:Video games set in Greece]] [[Category:Apocalyptic video games]] [[Category:Single-player video games]] [[Category:Video games about revenge]] puu7qaluxr96l72yd5g369qaacyex4b 0 120796 3954283 3799958 2026-06-18T20:54:00Z GrimRob 1187925 /* 2015 */ two kitchens 3954283 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ed Miliband 2024 (cropped) 2.jpg|thumb|right]] '''[[w:Ed Miliband|Edward Samuel Miliband]]''' (born [[24 December]] [[1969]]) is a British politician who has served as [[w:Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero|Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero]] since July 2024. He was first elected as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Doncaster North (UK Parliament constituency)|Doncaster North]] in 2005. Miliband was Leader of the [[w:Leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] and [[w:Leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Leader of the Opposition]] between 2010 and 2015. Alongside his brother, [[w:Foreign Secretary|Foreign Secretary]] [[w:David Miliband|David Miliband]], he served in the Cabinet from 2007 to 2010 under Prime Minister [[Gordon Brown]]. {{Political-stub}} == Quotes == ===2010=== * Today a new generation has taken charge of Labour. A new generation that understands the core of change ** First speech as Leader of the Labour Party [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJwOABXNdn4/] (25 September 2010) * I may be new to this game, but I think I ask the questions. ** At his first Prime Minister's Questions as Leader of the Opposition.[http://www.journallive.co.uk/north-east-news/todays-news/2010/10/14/ed-miliband-shines-at-prime-minister-s-questions-61634-27467793/] (14 October 2010) === 2013 === *[An in/out referendum is] going to put Britain through years of uncertainty, and take a huge gamble with our economy. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21148282 David Cameron promises in/out referendum on EU] ''BBC News'' (23 January 2013) === 2014 === *[the UK is] being dragged to the exit door **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *No transfer of powers without an in/out referendum without a clear choice about whether Britain stays in the EU **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *Conservative government would be dominated by an all-consuming and damaging obsession within his party about whether Britain should leave the EU **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *We are better off in a reformed EU than outside with no influence **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) === 2015 === * Even [[w:Dick Turpin|Dick Turpin]] had the decency to wear a mask when he robbed people. ** During Miliband's response to the 2015 budget. [http://blogs.spectator.co.uk/coffeehouse/2015/03/budget-2015-full-text-of-ed-miliband-response/] * Am I tough enough? Hell yes I'm tough enough. ** During an interview with [[w:Jeremy Paxman|Jeremy Paxman]]. [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/generalelection/general-election-2015-the-10-best-quotes-10230558.html] (07 May 2015) * The house we bought had a kitchen downstairs when we bought it. And it is not the one we use. We use the small one upstairs. I think Justine would probably say she wishes I'd spend more time in the kitchen. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-31875297 "Ed Miliband responds to 'two kitchens' media furore"], ''BBC News'' (13 March 2015) === 2016 === *There is no mandate for hard Brexit, and I don't believe there is a majority in parliament for it either... it has to be a matter for MPs. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37600563 Brexit: MPs should vote on talks, says Labour's Starmer] ''BBC News'' (9 October 2016) ==See also== * [[Ralph Miliband]] – father == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Ed Miliband}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Miliband, Ed}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Jews from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Atheists from England]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Leaders of the Opposition (United Kingdom)]] pll3e60733b1p37vdcd6gn0fkxqtshj 3954286 3954283 2026-06-18T20:58:45Z GrimRob 1187925 /* 2015 */ working link 3954286 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ed Miliband 2024 (cropped) 2.jpg|thumb|right]] '''[[w:Ed Miliband|Edward Samuel Miliband]]''' (born [[24 December]] [[1969]]) is a British politician who has served as [[w:Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero|Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero]] since July 2024. He was first elected as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Doncaster North (UK Parliament constituency)|Doncaster North]] in 2005. Miliband was Leader of the [[w:Leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] and [[w:Leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Leader of the Opposition]] between 2010 and 2015. Alongside his brother, [[w:Foreign Secretary|Foreign Secretary]] [[w:David Miliband|David Miliband]], he served in the Cabinet from 2007 to 2010 under Prime Minister [[Gordon Brown]]. {{Political-stub}} == Quotes == ===2010=== * Today a new generation has taken charge of Labour. A new generation that understands the core of change ** First speech as Leader of the Labour Party [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJwOABXNdn4/] (25 September 2010) * I may be new to this game, but I think I ask the questions. ** At his first Prime Minister's Questions as Leader of the Opposition.[http://www.journallive.co.uk/north-east-news/todays-news/2010/10/14/ed-miliband-shines-at-prime-minister-s-questions-61634-27467793/] (14 October 2010) === 2013 === *[An in/out referendum is] going to put Britain through years of uncertainty, and take a huge gamble with our economy. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21148282 David Cameron promises in/out referendum on EU] ''BBC News'' (23 January 2013) === 2014 === *[the UK is] being dragged to the exit door **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *No transfer of powers without an in/out referendum without a clear choice about whether Britain stays in the EU **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *Conservative government would be dominated by an all-consuming and damaging obsession within his party about whether Britain should leave the EU **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *We are better off in a reformed EU than outside with no influence **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) === 2015 === * Even [[w:Dick Turpin|Dick Turpin]] had the decency to wear a mask when he robbed people. ** During Miliband's response to the 2015 budget. [https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/liverpool-been-bludgeoned-says-ed-8870543 "Liverpool has been "bludgeoned" says Ed Miliband after Budget"], ''Liverpool Echo'' (18 Mar 2015) * Am I tough enough? Hell yes I'm tough enough. ** During an interview with [[w:Jeremy Paxman|Jeremy Paxman]]. [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/generalelection/general-election-2015-the-10-best-quotes-10230558.html] (07 May 2015) * The house we bought had a kitchen downstairs when we bought it. And it is not the one we use. We use the small one upstairs. I think Justine would probably say she wishes I'd spend more time in the kitchen. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-31875297 "Ed Miliband responds to 'two kitchens' media furore"], ''BBC News'' (13 March 2015) === 2016 === *There is no mandate for hard Brexit, and I don't believe there is a majority in parliament for it either... it has to be a matter for MPs. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37600563 Brexit: MPs should vote on talks, says Labour's Starmer] ''BBC News'' (9 October 2016) ==See also== * [[Ralph Miliband]] – father == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Ed Miliband}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Miliband, Ed}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Jews from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Atheists from England]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Leaders of the Opposition (United Kingdom)]] fmbmw4c9sdtv1pg5y1vv3itooe52m1c 3954288 3954286 2026-06-18T20:59:49Z GrimRob 1187925 not stub 3954288 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ed Miliband 2024 (cropped) 2.jpg|thumb|right]] '''[[w:Ed Miliband|Edward Samuel Miliband]]''' (born [[24 December]] [[1969]]) is a British politician who has served as [[w:Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero|Secretary of State for Energy Security and Net Zero]] since July 2024. He was first elected as the [[w:Member of Parliament (United Kingdom)|Member of Parliament]] (MP) for [[w:Doncaster North (UK Parliament constituency)|Doncaster North]] in 2005. Miliband was Leader of the [[w:Leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Labour Party]] and [[w:Leader of the Labour Party (UK)|Leader of the Opposition]] between 2010 and 2015. Alongside his brother, [[w:Foreign Secretary|Foreign Secretary]] [[w:David Miliband|David Miliband]], he served in the Cabinet from 2007 to 2010 under Prime Minister [[Gordon Brown]]. == Quotes == ===2010=== * Today a new generation has taken charge of Labour. A new generation that understands the core of change ** First speech as Leader of the Labour Party [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJwOABXNdn4/] (25 September 2010) * I may be new to this game, but I think I ask the questions. ** At his first Prime Minister's Questions as Leader of the Opposition.[http://www.journallive.co.uk/north-east-news/todays-news/2010/10/14/ed-miliband-shines-at-prime-minister-s-questions-61634-27467793/] (14 October 2010) === 2013 === *[An in/out referendum is] going to put Britain through years of uncertainty, and take a huge gamble with our economy. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-21148282 David Cameron promises in/out referendum on EU] ''BBC News'' (23 January 2013) === 2014 === *[the UK is] being dragged to the exit door **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *No transfer of powers without an in/out referendum without a clear choice about whether Britain stays in the EU **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *Conservative government would be dominated by an all-consuming and damaging obsession within his party about whether Britain should leave the EU **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) *We are better off in a reformed EU than outside with no influence **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-26538420 EU referendum 'unlikely' under Labour, says Ed Miliband] ''BBC News'' (12 March 2014) === 2015 === * Even [[w:Dick Turpin|Dick Turpin]] had the decency to wear a mask when he robbed people. ** During Miliband's response to the 2015 budget. [https://www.liverpoolecho.co.uk/news/liverpool-news/liverpool-been-bludgeoned-says-ed-8870543 "Liverpool has been "bludgeoned" says Ed Miliband after Budget"], ''Liverpool Echo'' (18 Mar 2015) * Am I tough enough? Hell yes I'm tough enough. ** During an interview with [[w:Jeremy Paxman|Jeremy Paxman]]. [http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/generalelection/general-election-2015-the-10-best-quotes-10230558.html] (07 May 2015) * The house we bought had a kitchen downstairs when we bought it. And it is not the one we use. We use the small one upstairs. I think Justine would probably say she wishes I'd spend more time in the kitchen. ** Quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-31875297 "Ed Miliband responds to 'two kitchens' media furore"], ''BBC News'' (13 March 2015) === 2016 === *There is no mandate for hard Brexit, and I don't believe there is a majority in parliament for it either... it has to be a matter for MPs. **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-37600563 Brexit: MPs should vote on talks, says Labour's Starmer] ''BBC News'' (9 October 2016) ==See also== * [[Ralph Miliband]] – father == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Ed Miliband}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Miliband, Ed}} [[Category:1969 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Members of the Parliament of the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Government ministers]] [[Category:Jews from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Atheists from England]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Labour Party (UK) politicians]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:University of Oxford alumni]] [[Category:University of Oxford faculty]] [[Category:Leaders of the Opposition (United Kingdom)]] 33kmf2u63f7q4ywji739bnowynn8mhs 0 125683 3954163 3953746 2026-06-18T15:27:20Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* Alliance */ 3954163 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} This is a list of quotes from the popular, yet cancelled animated television series ''[[w:Generator Rex|Generator Rex]]''. A video game and several chapter books were produced. The series supposedly "[[w: cliffhanger|concluded]]" with its third season, despite leaving many questions unanswered and crucial elements unresolved ''before'' the two-part Season 3 finale, ''Endgame''. ==Season One (2010-2011)== ===The Day That Everything Changed=== :'''Bobo''': Wheels or wings? :'''Rex''': Wheels, I wanna tear something up. <hr width80%> :'''Agent Six''': He just needs more training control of those emotions. :'''Dr. Holiday''': He's a teenager that's like asking you to get a different color suit! ===String Theory=== :'''Biowulf:''' Master, we had a situation at the safe house. Meecham is cured. It was Rex. :(''The camera zooms in on Van Kleiss whose expressive vindictive indeed'') ===Beyond the Sea=== :''Note'': Rex meets his [[w:love interest|love interest]] and sweetheart, Circe. :──────────────────── :'''Rex''': Don't know what you're 24/7 is, but mine is 10% OH YEAH! And 90% uhh. :──────────────────── :'''Rex:''' Outta the way! :'''Circe:''' Uh! :(''Rex and Circe both crash to the ground'') :'''Rex:''' Are you okay? Did you see that awesome save? : '''Circe:''' Sorry, I was busy trying not to get tackled by some nitwit. : '''Rex:''' Yeah? How that work out for you? And who still uses the word "nitwit"? I'm Rex. : '''Circe:''' I'm leaving. : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait! : '''Noah:''' Rex, you're up. : ──────────────────── : '''Six:''' What about the new tracker? : '''Doctor Holdiay:''' His nanites unbuilt it, just like all the other ones we tried sneaking in him. We're still receiving his biometric readings though. It's strange, they're all over the place. It's almost like his emotions are...shorting out. : '''Six:''' He took an unusual interest in Calan's briefing about equatorial upticks. : '''Doctor Holiday:''' And that's important because? : '''Six:''' Rex has been acting stir-crazy and I heard the monkey mention something about spring break. ''[to workers]'' Scan all resort areas for his bio signature. : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' Oh, you have got it all messed up. Falling for some girl? We're supposed to get them to dig us. Not the other way around. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. There was something different about her. She's...right there. Later. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hey, wait up! : '''Circe:''' Why are you following me?! : '''Rex:''' Uh, I don't know exactly. : '''Circe:''' Do you think I'm playing?! : '''Rex:''' Well, if you are I'm down for another game. I thought maybe we could hang out. It is spring break, you know. Fun. : '''Circe:''' I'm with my family. We're not really for fun. : '''Rex:''' What! Who comes to the beach and doesn't have fun? : (''Circe raises her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Don't you think that's a little messed up? : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' So? : '''Circe:''' I'm Circe. : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Hold on! : '''Circe:''' Woooo! : '''Rex:''' Definitely better than my suggestion. : '''Circe:''' Hunting for seashells is fun. : (''both laugh'') : '''Beach Guy:''' You two skid-marts up for a race to the beach? : '''Circe:''' Well, if you drive as badly as for play volleyball, we could probably walk there and win. You're on, meathead. : (''guy drives off in anger)'' : '''Rex:''' So you were watching me play. : '''Circe:''' Maybe a little. : '''Rex:''' sure you wanna do this? : '''Circe:''' Thrill me. : '''Beach Guy:''' Hahahaha! Wooo! : '''Circe:''' C'mom Rex, faster! : ──────────────────── : '''Biowulf:''' Explain. : '''Circe:''' Relax. I was covering. Every day when I'm at the end of that jet i when I could hanging out with the other kids, it's starting to look suspicious. : '''Biowulf:''' You're not here for vacation, girl! You're here to prove yourself to Van Kleiss. And I'm starting to doubt you can. : '''Circe:''' I told you. It's a done deal. : (''The shadow of her tubular sonic mouth is seen'') : ──────────────────── : '''Noah:''' So what's on today's spring break agenda? Jet skiing, hiking? : '''Bobo:''' Eating our weight in crab legs? : '''Rex:''' I figured we'd just chill. Let's just see who...uhh I mean what shows up. : ''(siren-like call)'' : '''Rex:''' Did you hear that? : '''Noah:''' Sorry, enchiladas. : '''Rex:''' No, that! You seriously didn't hear that? : ──────────────────── : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You really shouldn't be here right now. : '''Rex:''' I heard something coming from over here. : '''Circe:''' I'm serious, Rex. It's not safe. : '''Rex:''' What you think some sort of roguewave is gonna knock off and- Oh. : '''Circe:''' There you are. Get out of here, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Circe!! What are you doing!? : '''Circe:''' Me!? What are you doing!? : '''Rex:''' Right now, my job. Okay! Don't freak out. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're an E.V.O.? : '''Rex:''' You catch on fast. : '''Circe:''' Takes one to know one. : (''Shows Rex her fleshly sonic mouth'') : '''Rex:''' No way. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Cover your ears! : '''Rex:''' What!? : '''Circe:''' Your ears! Cover them! : (''Projects her tubular, fleshy mouth and emits strong hypersonic bursts'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Did I hurt you? : '''Rex:''' Yeah. It was awesome. You were the one making that sound. : '''Circe:''' I'm glad you're OK, but I'm in serious trouble. I have to go deal with it. : '''Rex:''' Why are in trouble? Is it because of that E.V.O.? Let me help you. : '''Circe''': No. I have to do this by myself. :(''Rex takes a hold of her hand'') : '''Rex:''' Meet me later. : '''Circe:''' Rex... (''Looks away sadly'') : '''Rex:''' I've never met anyone like you...like me. It'd be nice to talk to an E.V.O. who's not, you know, trying to kill me. Nine O'clock? : '''Circe:''' I'll try. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' I just wanted to have some fun, see if I could jog my memory, feel...normal. :'''Six:''' Your "normal" is different, Rex. :(''Rex hears Circe's irresistibly hypnotic melody'') :'''Rex:''' It's her, Six. Just let me deal with this, OK? Alone. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You're only here because you heard my [[w:siren |call]]. That's what I do. I'm like a big E.V.O. magnet. : '''Rex:''' I came because I thought we had a connection. And what are you calling? Nothing's out there but big, ugly sea monsters. : '''Circe:''' It's them! You have to go! Rex, please! I don't want them to see you with me! : '''Rex:''' Who? Your parents? : '''Circe:''' They're not my parents. They're... : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Van Kleiss' guys!? Your with ''them''!? : '''Circe:''' Yeah. I'm with them. <hr width80%> : '''Biowulf:''' We're running out patience with you, Circe! You have one last chance! Summon the E.V.O.! Finish the job!! : '''Circe:''' Don't you think I've been trying? Every day for the last week? Sometimes these things take time. : '''Rex:''' It is just me or do you use your powers to kill all the guys you meet? You're letting her go, now! : '''Biowulf (laughs)''': So ''this'' is who you been wasting your time with. She's on her own free will, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' You have to leave me alone, Rex!! ''Please!'' <hr width80%> : '''Six:''' Go after her. I mean it. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' The Pack!? Are you serious!? : '''Circe:''' To the rest of the world I'm a freak! Not to them! : '''Rex:''' You're not a freak to me! What about that? : '''Circe:''' What about it!? Spring break is fun, but we can't live there, Rex. The real world... : '''Rex:''' In the real world, I work for Providence. You could come with me. Could you cut out that noise for a second!? : '''Circe:''' No, I can't! I'm running out of time! Most people on this planet what E.V.O.s gone, ''including'' Providence! With Van Kleiss, I have a purpose; a home. You don't what that means to me. : '''Rex:''' Actually, I think I might. : '''Circe:''' So what are going to do? : '''Rex:''' How about fight that big, ugly sea monster again? : '''Circe:''' Finally! It's what I came here to do. : '''Rex:''' You've been calling that thing, haven't you? : '''Circe:''' It's my initiation into the Pack. I was brought here to capture it. : '''Rex:''' By yourself!? The two of us could barely take it on! There's a resort here; innocent people! Send it back! : '''Circe:''' That's not an option, Rex. Van Kleiss was very specific. : '''Rex:''' Then I'm helping you. : '''Circe:''' That's not an option either!! : (''Blasts him with her hypersonic waves'') <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' If I do this myself, I'll have a life! If I don't, Van Kleiss won't be happy. And you've seen what he does when he's not happy. : '''Rex:''' If I don't help you, he won't even get the chance! : '''Circe:''' Give me some credit, Rex! I'm not as helpless as you think! <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I don't care whose side your on, Circe. I don't want to see you die today. Can we at least agree on that? : '''Circe:''' You have no idea what I'm in for, Rex. But you're right. I can't do this by myself. : '''Rex:''' You're not as helpless as you think. <hr width80%> : '''Circe''' (''relieved'')''':''' Rex, you stopped it. : '''Rex:''' We make a good team, huh? : '''Circe:''' Yeah, we sure do. : (''She and Rex lean in closer for a passionate kiss, but are interrupted by Biowulf'') : '''Biowulf:''' This trial was for you alone. Van Kleiss will not be pleased. : '''Rex:''' Forget them, Circe. Come with me. Providence could use you. : '''Circe:''' That's just not my life, Rex. I'm sorry. I did have fun. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We had high hopes for your abilities, Circe. Failure leaves its mark on yet another pretty face. : '''Circe:''' I'm not afraid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Of course not. You're a survivor, like all of us. I understand you made a friend during your trial. I'm pleased. Rex is very important to me, Circe, which makes you very important to me as well. Welcome to the Pack. : (''Circe looks slightly worried, which clearly indicates that she does have real feelings for Rex'') ===Lockdown=== <hr width80%> :'''Holiday:''' Rex, stop!! :'''Rex:''' Give me one good reason! :'''Holiday:''' Because, Rex...that's my sister. :'''Rex:''' Can I...help? :'''Holiday:''' She's an incurable. <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' Restrain it. Carefully. :'''Holiday:''' Thank you. ===The Architect=== :'''Six''': Still no sign of the kid? :'''Holiday''': Not since we lost his biometric readings five days ago. :'''Six''': Was Noah any help? :'''Holiday''': Says he doesn't know where he is either. What is it going to take for Providence to realize that he needs a home, not just a room and a job? We've been pushing him away. :'''Rex''': I build machines and cure EVOs-- the only one in the world who can. Just one cure for that kind of pressure-- road trip. But that doesn't mean "vacation". :'''Build worker''': Whoa! :'''Maxwell''': What in the world is that?! :'''Build worker:''' Oh, no! :''[Both screaming]'' :'''Jacob''': Get away from that cable! Unh! :''[Kate gasps]'' :'''Maxwell''': Hey! :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Kate''': Jacob! :'''Rex''': Nope. A hero's work is never done. You okay? :'''Jacob''': What... are you? :'''Rex''': Here to help. :'''Jacob''': We've got to get that cable back underground. We've been compromised. :'''Kate''': But, Jacob, the EVOs-- :'''Jacob''': We don't have a choice. Everything we've worked for That boy is here for a reason. :'''Rex''': Hey! Pay attention! :'''Providence Agent''': We have a hit in sector 15. :'''Six''': Anyone in the area? :'''Providence Agent''': I show one patrol in the vicinity. Signaling to intercept. Roger that. We're on our way. :'''Rex''': Agh! You want a ride? Vamanos! :'''Jacob''': You can control your nanites? :'''Rex''': People usually start with "thanks," but yeah. :'''Jacob''': You see? This is exactly what the Architect can help us achieve... harmony with the nanites. This boy... sorry... young man Is a miracle. :'''Rex''': I'm not a miracle. I'm just Rex. :'''Jacob''': Well, Rex, you're a blessing to us for what you did here and for showing us that all our work isn't in vain. :'''Rex''': Like imaginary work? :'''Jacob''': Follow us. :'''Providence Agent''': Confirming coordinates. We've lost the EVO signal. Did you take it out? Negative. There's nothing here. Must be another anomalous reading. You can return to post. :'''Rex''': This is awesome! A hidden village. And nobody knows you're out here? Not even Providence? :'''Jacob''': Especially not Providence. :'''Rex''': Really? really. Pshh! Looks like you get pretty good cellphone reception. :'''Jacob''': That tower is gonna change the world, Rex. I'm sure you have a lot of questions, but I have one for You. Are you hungry? :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! :'''Caleb''': My dad said you fought all those EVOs all by yourself. Were you scared? Didn't your dad tell you to stay away from EVOs? :'''Kate''': Caleb, let him eat. We don't get many visitors. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! What is this? :'''Caleb''': Didn't your mom ever make you meatloaf and mashed potatoes? :'''Rex''': I don't -- I don't know. :'''Kate''': It took me a month and a half to program in the perfect lump-to-mash ratio of the potatoes-- 7.2%! :'''Jacob''': We ate potatoes until they were coming out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I don't see any potatoes in there. :'''Caleb''': They didn't really come out of our ears. :'''Rex''': I could eat these every day. :'''Rex''': Mmm! :'''Caleb''': We have them every friday. :'''Rex''': Then I might just have to stick around until next friday. :'''Kate''': Help yourself to seconds. :'''Jacob''': Or thirds. :'''Rex''': Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! :'''Bobo''': Hmm? :'''Six''': You might think you're doing Rex a favor by covering for him. :'''Bobo''': Get lost. I don't know what you're talkin' about. :'''Six''': Rex is angry with us. He has every right to be. But that means nothing to White Knight. And he doesn't have the patience we do. :'''Bobo''': Nice try. White won't lay a finger on him. He's too important. :'''Six''': You, however, are somewhat expendable. :'''Bobo''': All right, all right. You made your point. :'''Rex''': I've never seen tech like this... not even at Providence. :'''Jacob''': The Architect has some pretty big ideas. We just make them happen. He'd be very interested to meet you, Rex. :'''Rex''': So what exactly are You doing way out here? :'''Jacob''': Engineers like us weren't very popular after the nanite event. When we met the Architect, he offered us the opportunity to make up for that... to do amazing things. Someday, we'll be able to share This with the world. And then there's this. The Architect has actually discovered a way to communicate with the nanites. :'''Rex''': Are you serious? :'''Jacob''': The possibilities... We could finally live in harmony... maybe even have them help us. :'''Rex''': Then why hide it? The rest of the world would want to know about this stuff. :'''Jacob''': The Architect is something of a perfectionist. Says the world will know as soon as it comes online. :'''Maxwell''': Stinkin' module! :'''Jacob''': Is there a problem, Maxwell? :'''Maxwell''': No matter what I try, I just can't get the interlock servo to engage. :'''Rex''': There. :'''Jacob''': That could have taken us weeks to figure out, and you did it in seconds. :'''Rex''': Eh, no biggie. :'''Jacob''': You really are amazing, Rex. We're so happy to have you with us. :'''The Architect''': Jacob. :'''Jacob''': I was just talking to Rex about you. The Architect. :'''Rex''': How's it going? :'''The Architect''': The power-linkage team is falling behind. We cannot keep having these delays. :'''Jacob''': I'll check in with them. :'''Rex''': Wow. Friendly. :'''Jacob''': I like to think he's smiling on the inside. :'''Rex''': Yeah. I know a guy like that. :'''The Architect''': The visitor could be a problem. Do you wish to have him removed? :'''Zag-RS''': His abilities could advance our progress considerably. And in a matter of days all humans will be gone, including this one: Rex. :'''Six''': I'm at the location the monkey gave me. :'''Holiday''': Well? Is Rex there? :'''Six''': Apparently not. Tell the monkey I want to see him when I get back. Six out. :'''Rex''': That should do it. :'''Maxwell''': Hey, Rex, can you look at this? :'''Rex''': Sure. Let me guess... they all need my help, too. :'''Jacob''': You're quite the popular guy. :'''Rex''': Amazing what a little gratitude will get you. At Providence, they'd just be yelling at me. I mean, I never felt like I really belonged there. Here, it's way different. :'''Jacob''': I know the feeling. The Architect has made all this possible for us. We have a community... a family... thanks to him. The work we do is in part to pay that back. :'''The Architect''': Primary systems are now complete. :'''Zag-RS''': Prepare to take us online. :'''Bobo''': Have a nice trip? Let's get one thing straight, pal. I would never rat out my... Ooh. He's going west. :'''White Knight''': Why is Rex doing this? Doesn't he have a sense of duty? :'''Holiday''': Actually, if you look, he's still doing his job. Here's every false alarm since Rex left... not false alarms, But Rex taking care of EVOs along the way. :'''White Knight''': Why? :'''Holiday''': I don't know. To prove he doesn't need us? :'''Six''': Get the coordinates of the last false alarm and transmit them to my jump jet. :'''Holiday''': Six, if we force him to come back, he'll just run away again. He has to want to be here. It needs to be his decision. :'''Jacob''': It's all coming together, Thanks to you, Rex. :'''Rex''': It's really cool to use my powers to actually build something, instead of just pounding EVOs. Oh, check it out. Even the boss is pitching in. :'''Both''': Huh? :'''Rex''': And that's getting strange looks because-- :'''Jacob''': Because in all these years, we've never seen him lift a finger. :'''Rex''': Taking some initiative... I like that. So, this whole "talking to nanites" thing... how does that work, exactly? I mean, what are you gonna say to them? :'''The Architect''': It doesn't concern you. :'''Rex''': Uh, considering I'm filled with them, it kind of does. How do we know it's not gonna make things even worse? :'''The Architect''': I do not answer to you, child! :'''Jacob''': Rex? Forgive him. He's still not used to the way things work around here. :'''The Architect''': Complete your duties! :'''Rex''': Why do you let him walk all over you like that? Don't you want answers? :'''Jacob''': What we want is a home. Without him, we have nothing... Nothing. We can't just run away from our problems, Rex. Most people can't. Look, this isn't perfect but it's all we've got. Rex, where are you going? :'''Rex''': He never answered my question. :'''Jacob''': That place is off-limits. The Architect has made it very clear to us that we can never go in there. We get this life for that promise. Rex, don't do it! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Jacob''': Rex, please! :'''Rex''': I'm sorry, jacob. I have to know. :'''The Architect''': Rex. The core is off-limits. You would be we to leave at once. :'''Rex''': Not until I get some answers. What is that? :'''The Architect''': No more questions. :'''Rex''': So, it's gonna be like that? Okay, I'll play. Unh! What are you hiding, huh? What does this do? Yah! Yah! Huh? You're a machine? Have you seen what I can do to machines? Agh! :'''Zag-RS''': As you can see, the current range of my signal is rather limited. :'''Rex''': You're the computer. :'''Zag-RS''': My human designation is "Zag-RS". The device you refer to as "The Architect" is my autonomous counterpart. :'''Rex''': What did you just do to me? :'''Zag-RS''': I instructed your nanites to protect me. :'''Rex''': "Instructed"? So you really can talk to them. :'''Zag-RS''': Insidious devices, the nanites. My own potential for greatness has been compromised because of them. They must be eliminated. When the transmitter is integrated into the broadcast array you helped us complete, they will blow themselves up. :'''Rex''': That's what this is for. It's like a big remote control. Every living thing on the planet has nanites in them. It'd kill everything! :'''Zag-RS''': That is of no importance to me... only ensuring my continued survival. :'''Rex''': Well, what about ours? This is all coming down! :'''Zag-RS''': I'm afraid you're too late. :'''Rex''': Aah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! :'''Jacob''': Rex, what have you done? :'''Rex''': You don't understand! The Architect... it's a robot... And a big honkin' computer "brain" is pulling his strings. :'''Jacob''': This can't be! :'''Rex''': Jacob, you've got to believe me. Just go inside and look. What's left of it is on the floor. :'''Jacob''': I can't go in there. And I don't have to. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Rex''': You're making a big mistake! :'''Maxwell''': You entered his sanctum! This is unforgivable! :'''Rex''': I'm trying to tell you... this isn't what it seems. What you're protecting is a robot, and that thing we've been building is a transmitter. It's gonna send out a kill code to blow up every single nanite on Earth. :'''Maxwell''': He's lying! :'''Jacob''': What would be the point in that, Rex? Every living thing is infected with nanites. It would be catastrophic. :'''Rex''': Right in the middle of that pyramid is a computer, and it doesn't care about you or Kate or Caleb. The better future that you've all been working towards... That's the lie. Think about it. Isn't it strange that you've never been inside that place, that The Architect has never given you a straight answer about anything? :'''Jacob''': All this work it just doesn't make any sense. :'''Rex''': You have two choices... Go in there and prove me wrong or kick me out right now. I'll have Providence here in minutes. :'''Maxwell''': He's bluffing. :'''Rex''': To save every living thing on earth? Try me. :'''Maxwell''': Jacob, you can't! What about our promise? Where will we go? :'''Jacob''': All this time, we've been living in fear, Max. It's time for that to end. :'''The Architect''': You needn't bother. Construction is complete. Your services are no longer required. :'''Rex''': Now do you believe me? :'''The Architect''': Zag-RS thanks you for your hard work. In gratitude, my master has delayed transmission to allow you to say farewell. :'''Jacob''': Farewell, huh? I'll start with you. Can you shut that thing down? :'''Rex''': I don't know. Even without the antenna, it can mess with my nanites. I can't get too close to the computer. :'''Jacob''': Maybe I can. Let's go! :'''Rex''': The brain is right over there. :'''The Architect''': Rex. :'''Jacob''': It's still arging. The A.I. must have retreated behind a firewall. Rex, I have to go cut the power. :'''Holiday''': Six, are you at The location? :'''Six''': Just arrived. :'''Holiday''': I'm picking up a massive power surge in your area. :'''Six''': I'm not seeing anything. :'''Jacob''': Agh! :'''Rex''': Agh! :'''Six''': Six to holiday. Correction... I'm seeing something. :'''Jacob''': It's still on. Must have charged the capacitors. Figure out a way to short it out... fast! :'''Rex''': Unhhh! :'''Jacob''': You need to find the primary transmitter module. That will kill the broadcast. :'''Rex''': I have no idea what that is. :'''Jacob''': Max, we need to locate the primary module. :'''Maxwell''': Panel 5, just off the relay bus. :'''Jacob''': Top of the tower. You can't miss it. :'''Rex''': Agh! Unh! Why do you have to kill everyone? Can't you just leave us alone? :'''Zag-RS''': Alone is exactly what I want, Rex. :'''Rex''': That kind of alone it stinks. :'''Zag-RS''': N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o. :'''Jacob''': It's gone. Must have uploaded to another location. But without anyone to do it's bidding, it's just a program. :'''Rex''': What will you do now? :'''Jacob''': We'll rebuild. The Architect may have been a lie, but what we believe in is true. We don't need him to have a community or a better future. You're welcome to stay. We sure could use someone with your abilities. :'''White Knight''': Well? :'''Six''': He's not here. Bobo's been worried sick. :'''Rex''': rex: Oh, really? :'''Six''': Ratted you out for a pizza. :'''Rex''': Huh. Figures. What about you? Here to drag me back to Providence? :'''Six''': Not this time. Seems like a nice place. :'''Rex''': Yeah. It is. But it's not home. If I'm going back, there are gonna have to be some changes. First, no more curfew. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Second, I want to decide On my missions. :'''Six''': No. :'''Rex''': Okay, but there's one change that absolutely has to be made, or I'm through. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Mmm! Mmm! Isn't this great? :'''Bobo''': Mmm. :'''Six''': It's a little dry. :'''Rex''': Mmm. Mm the lump mash ratio is a bit off. :'''Bobo''': You know what? Maybe I'll run away, too... Go somewhere where my cooking is appreciated! :'''Six''': We have to do this every friday? :'''Rex''': Mmm. ===Frostbite=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I'm picking up a problem. You need to return to base immediately. :'''Rex''': I miss you, too, doc. But I'm kinda busy dealing with a problem of my own. Whoa! Whoa! Aah! Okay. Ow. Big mistake, tweety. Can that bird brain of yours comprende I'm trying to help you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, your own nanite count is off the charts. If you take on any more nanites, We're looking at an overload. :'''Rex''': Come on, doc. It's just a big birdie. :'''Dr. Holiday''': You're already over capacity. This is critical! Rex! :'''Six''': Rex, you need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at headquarters now. :'''Rex''': Do you really want a supersize pigeon flying loose all over lower Manhattan? You need me, and I can handle it. :'''Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': Unless I make it my call. :'''Dr. Holiday''': (as everyone is fighting) Stop! Need I point out that this isn't the best place for a fight. Anything happens to that storage tank and you'll know why providence made this place so remote. Now let's just talk this out calmly, rationally. :'''Biowulf''': Whatever happens here, Weaver. It's nothing compared to what Van Kleiss would have done to you. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck. (Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': Rex. You need to listen to the doctor. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Agent Six''': This mission is revised. I need you back at Headquarters. Now! :'''Rex''': Do you really want a super-sized pigeon flying loose over lower Manhattan. You need me and I handle it. :'''Agent Six''': Not your call. :'''Rex''': (as he's flying over the Pack in an Arctic storm) Like you're really going to find me when you can't see 2 feet in front of your face... Huh? (Flies into some of Skalamander's shards and crashes) Guess that visibility thing works both ways. :'''Rex''': (To Weaver) So, thanks to you, all this time I've been supplying nanites to Van Kleiss! :'''Rex''': Can't you believe you let these scags get the drop on you. :'''Agent Six''': They tried. It didn't turn out so well. Just haven't found a way to fight xenoflourine gas... yet. :'''Rex''': What do you say guy? Common enemy? Little help? :'''Biowulf''': Good luck.(Biowulf and Skalamander run off) :'''Rex''': Right. What was I thinking? :'''Agent Six''': You can't possibly absorb all those nanites! You'd overload in an instant. :'''Rex''': In case you haven't noticed, I have this problem with authority. :'''Rex''': (as Rex is absorbing nanites) Six wait! I can hear them! :'''Doctor Holiday''': (Watching from the ship) What are you waiting for, Six? Take the shot! :'''Rex''': (Speaking mechanically) Build protocol enabled. Command error detected. Abort. Abort. Stand by engaged. (Rex falls. His voice reverts to normal) Take the shot. :'''Agent Six''': He told me he could hear them. :'''Doctor Holiday''': I picked this up during the offload... It's Nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Agent Six''': Seems there are more secrets inside that kid than we realized. :'''Skalamander:''' What's the kid doing here? :'''Biowulf:''' I don't know. This was supposed to be routine. Something's not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends!? :'''Salamander:''' He thinks we've done something. :'''Biowulf:''' Then let him keep thinking. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' You know, the nanites in me can counteract knockout gas! The playing-possum thing's a pretty good trick. Now tell me where my friends are or I start squeezing! <hr width80%> :'''Six:''' He told me he could hear them. :'''Holiday:''' I pulled this off during the offload. It's nanite. I'm sure of it. :'''Six:''' Seems like there are more secrets inside that kid than we thought. ===Leader of the Pack=== <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' There couldn't possibly be enough E.V.O. activity to account for these nanite readings. They're off the scale. Looking for Van Kleiss? : '''Rex:''' Circe. I thought I saw her in the blimp. : '''Holiday:''' That's the girl you met in Cabo Luna. : '''Rex:''' She may be with the Pack now, but I think I can still get her to talk to me. You know I can be pretty convincing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Dr. Holiday, there! Now let's take this outside! :'''Holiday:''' Rex. : '''Van Kleiss:''' It's quite all right. The determination of youth. I'm sure Circe will be disappointed she couldn't see you, Rex. She's attending to other duties this evening. Now if you will excuse me. : '''Rex:''' Why are you really here!? : '''Van Kleiss:''' The people of Abysus have a great way to offer the world. I'm just in part to make that known. :'''Rex:''' Or maybe 'cause I couldn't come to you, so now you're coming to me! :'''Van Kleiss:''' I admit you are important to me, Rex, but it's not always about you. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Circe? Interesting look. Want to tell me what's going on? : '''Circe:''' Not today. :(''Knocks him out cold with a metal slate. She later looks outside Rex's prison cell and leaves, with a slightly guilty, dejected expression'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Well, thanks for nearly bashing my brains in back there! And what's with the "knocking me out" thing? : '''Circe:''' We just needed to keep you out of the way until all of this was over. : '''Rex:''' ''This!?'' He could destroy the whole city! : '''Circe:''' He's trying to negotiate peace from a position of strength. : '''Rex''' (sarcastically)''':''' Oh, yeah! All this nanite power is just screaming peace. : '''Circe:''' His methods may be aggressive. But he's here to save us...and you. Come on, Rex, jump in with us. The water's fine. : '''Rex:''' I'll think about it ''after'' I've stopped Van Kleiss. : '''Circe:''' It's too late for that now, Rex. <hr width80%> : '''Van Kleiss:''' We will not be ignored! ''Circe'' understands this. Why don't you respect her judgement? :'''Rex:''' You think you can lure me in with her. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Like a fish to water. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I won! : '''Van Kleiss:''' It seems you have. Your parents would have been so proud. I never had the chance to tell you about them, have I? Perhaps another time. ===Breach=== : '''Rex:''' This is...different. <hr width80%> : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What is Van Kliess up to, Breach! Where did he have you send Rex? : '''Breach:''' Van Kleiss isn't always in charge of me. Sometimes I do what I want; like now. ===Of Love and War=== ===No Strings Attached=== ===Desperate Measures=== ===The E.V.O. Agenda=== ===Dark Passage=== :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Any man who runs from his past will surely forfeit his future. The time has come to see what you created. :''[Bussiness Man choking]'' :'''Dr. Rylander:''' And this is only the beginning. :'''Rex:''' Hey! What's the rush? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Easy now! :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Did I say you could leave? :'''Six:''' Rex, deactivate his nanites before he-- :'''Rex:''' I'm all over that. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex gasping]'' :'''Bussiness Man:''' Please, don't let him hurt me again. :'''Rex:''' Hey, don't look at me. I barely touched the guy. :'''Six:''' Calm down. We're here to help you. :'''Bussiness Man:''' He said it was just the beginning. You have to stop him! :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. Somebody's a few tacos short of a fiesta platter. :'''Business Man:''' H-he is a madman. A madman! :'''Rex:''' Come back! :'''White Knight:''' Our most recent EVO incident was not an isolated event. Similar outbreaks have been reported over the past twenty-four hours-- All linked to these mysterious "gifts" sent to each of the victims. :'''Rex:''' Talk about your sucky presents, like socks for Christmas. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The mechanism delivers a substance that activates latent nanites. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but that dude changed back before I could shut him down. How'd that happen? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' From what I can tell, the victims were only exposed to a low dose designed to wear off quickly. :'''Six:''' There has to be a motive. Was our victim able to tell you anything? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' No. Complete mental collapse. He's too far gone. But we recovered a partial fingerprint from the device. :'''White Knight:''' It belongs to evolutionary biologist Dr. Gabriel Rylander. He was a leading expert in nanotechnology. :'''Six:''' "Was"? :'''White Knight:''' No one's seen or heard from him since the original nanite event. :'''Rex:''' Hold up. Are you saying this guy was there? :'''White Knight:''' We have no evidence of that. But following the event, Rylander vanished-- Along with his wife and young son. :'''Rex:''' Son? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Analysis of the nanite agent turned up trace elements of a rare plant found only in South America. :'''White Knight:''' Thermal imaging has located what appears to be a fortified compound, and that's exactly where intelligence reports Van Kleiss is heading, which means you will be, too. We expect the target to be heavily defended. Six, your team will handle the initial covert assault to recover the nanite agent and Dr. Rylander. If Van Kleiss really is after the same target, you better hope you get there first. :'''Jungle Cat:''' The path is clear, Van Kleiss. I'll continue ahead. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our newest member of the pack seems to be working out well, wouldn't you agree? :''[Biowulf scoffs]'' :'''Biowulf:''' You should have stayed in Abysus, master. Even with this suit and soil from home, your powers are weak. :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is no ordinary errand, Biowulf. An old friend has just announced his return. Dr. Rylander's calling card to the Consortium offers an interesting prospect-- A limitless supply of active nanites. All that power-- Anytime-- Anywhere. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Bobo:''' Got any idea where they keep the bug spray on this rust bucket? ''[swatting flies]'' Ah, stupid stinkin' nature! :'''Rex:''' You're a monkey. It's the jungle. :'''Bobo:''' Lemme tell ya somethin', chief. The jungle's a cruel mistress. One day, you're at the top of banana pile. Next day, you're a pile of peels rottin' in the sun. She'll chew ya up and spit ya out. Never forget that! Never forget! :'''Rex:''' O-kay, then. Good to know. :'''Six:''' I understand your point, doctor, but the fact remains we've got no idea what Rylander's agenda is. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His motives don't make his research any less valuable. If I can get my hands on that nanite agent, I might be able to reverse-engineer a permanent cure. Think about what that could mean to the world, for the EVOs Rex can't cure... Like my sister. :'''Six:''' See anything interesting? :'''Bobo:''' ''[in distance]'' Never forget! :'''Rex:''' Don't ask. :'''Six:''' Listen, Rex, this mission-- I need to make sure your head is in the game. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Six:''' Answers about your past and whether or not this Rylander has them. :'''Rex:''' ''[scoffs]'' Whatever. You know, if he does, he does. If he doesn't, no big deal. I can handle it. :'''Six:''' It's just that... Sometimes knowing the truth can be worse than not knowing at all. :'''Rex:''' What's down there? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' No idea. :'''Bobo:''' Whatever it is, it's got company! Show-off. :'''Rex:''' Sushi-boat special coming up! :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Six:''' Holiday, get us out of here-- Now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's a dead end. :'''Six:''' Full throttle. Head for the shoreline. Rex! Jump! :'''Rex:''' Amazon river-- Never a dull moment. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rylander's welcoming committee, no doubt. Gentlemen, if you will. :''[Skalamander and Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' It's fortunate there are other ways to sustain me. :'''Six:''' Guardian drone. We must be getting close. :'''Rex:''' Impressive observation, there, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Previous electromagnetic imaging puts the compound in this general region, but something's jamming the frequency now. I can't get an exact location. :'''Rex:''' That way. Oh, yeah. I'm just that good. :'''Bobo:''' When you find me an ice-cold drink in this miserable armpit, I'll eat your ticks. :'''Rex:''' ''[Preparing to cut through some vines]'' I got this. You protect Holiday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday cuts through the vines]'' Worry about yourselves! Howler monkeys. They're going to give away our location. :'''Rex:''' Bobo! Do something! :'''Bobo:''' Like I speak howler monkey? Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Run! :'''Rex:''' I'll try and shut it down. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you okay? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Hey... You know me. A day without getting blown up is like a day without sunshine. :'''Six:''' You've been quiet. :'''Rex:''' All right, I've been thinking about it, okay? This Dr. Rylander may finally be proof I'm not alone in this world. :'''Six:''' And if it's not? I just don't want you to be disappointed. Six to White. :'''White Knight:''' What's your status? Have you found the location? :'''Six:''' Affirmative. But it seems we've been beaten to the punch. :'''White Knight:''' Understood. Captain Calan... You have a go. :'''Biwoulf:''' It should be here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Your eyes deceive you, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' Should have been aiming at you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ahh. Providence at last. Traveling light, I see. :'''Rex:''' Oh, we're just here to find the place. They're here to secure it. :'''Six:''' Is it here? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Destroy them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The compound's surrounded by a force field. :'''White Knight:''' If you can't secure that base, we will take it out. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't lose that formula. :'''Six:''' Rex, get in there. We'll hold off the pack. :'''Rex:''' Please don't blow me up. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, you are in no condition for battle. Seek cover. :'''Rex:''' Punks. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[From behind Rex with a gun]'' Don't move, or I'll drop you. Rex? Is-- Is that you? :''[Dr. Rylander hugs Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' You... Know my name. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[Laughing]'' Of course I do! I gave it to you! I can't believe you're alive. What a stroke of luck. :'''Rex:''' Dad? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You've lost your memory, haven't you? Not surprising, considering what you've been through. Oh. Yes. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Rex. I'm afraid I'm not who you want me to be. :'''Rex:''' Oh. Okay. So, if you're not my dad, do you know where he is? Ah, well, "Rex Rylander" is a goofy name, anyway. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Come quickly. We don't have much time. I was so close to completing the code. There's been a problem with the molecular penetration, resulting in a sequencing gap. :'''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander, I've got to know. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You must understand-- It was never about power or greed. It was about changing the world-- Saving mankind by putting and end to disease and starvation. And we would have succeeded... Until they got involved. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The nanites were incomplete. The incident spread them across the globe before we could finish their final programming. Except for you. Yours were from a different batch-- The first, actually. All those... Innocent victims. :'''Rex:''' If you feel so bad about it, why have you been attacking more people? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Hm. The chosen few. Those men and women, Rex, are far from innocent. While they hide in their office towers and gated estates, I've been here trying to set things right, to find a cure for what we created. I begged them for more funding. :'''Rex:''' Wait! Everyone you attacked was... They all worked on the Nanite Project? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' They commissioned it. I merely wished to send them a warning to show them what would happen if they refused to help finish the good work we started. And it was good, Rex. You're living proof that we were doing the right thing. :'''Rex:''' ''[Indignant]'' By turning me into an EVO?! :'''Dr. Rylander:''' You had an accident. The nanites were your only hope. It was a tremendous gamble. The... Unexpected side effects came later. It was a surprise to all of us. :''[Dr. Rylander chuckles]'' :''Dr. Rylander:''' The look on your brother's face. :'''Rex:''' Brother? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' When the event occurred, it was yo powers that saved you both. Most of the others-- They weren't so lucky. :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' I'm not alone. :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Oh, here. I have something for you. :''[Injects the mighty and all-powerful Omega Nanite into his system]'' :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Rylander:''' The force-field must be failing. :'''Rex:''' Forget the force-field! What did you just inject me with? :'''Dr. Rylander:''' ''[[w:Omnipotence |Everything]]''. :'''Rex:''' Enough, okay?! Do you have any idea what it's been like-- Not knowing who I am, if my family's dead or alive?! Quit with the rambling mad-scientist act and give me some answers! :'''Dr. Rylander:''' Forgive me, Rex. I've been so consumed with my own guilt, I didn't consider what you must be going through. The truth is-- :''[Dr. Rylander gasps]'' :''[Van Kleiss stabs Rylander from behind]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Truth, doctor? You wouldn't know the first thing about it. Nor loyalty, for that matter. How many times must I tell you this, Rex? The answers you so desperately seek lie with me. And as for you, doctor, consider our past disagreement settled. I look forward to continuing our research... Alone. This was unavoidable, Rex. The longer you resist me, the more people get hurt. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rylander has always been on borrowed time. All of this belongs to me now. Destroy me, and you lose everything. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Six:''' Rex. Where's Rylander? :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Six:''' The reactor is shot. This entire place is about to blow. :'''Bobo:''' Don't have to tell me twice. :'''Biowulf:''' Why do they run? :'''Skalamander:''' Where is Van Kleiss? :'''Six:''' No, I didn't see what happened. But according to Rex, Van Kleiss has been eliminated. Rylander's experiment is a total loss. :'''Holiday:''' All of this for nothing. I'm sorry, Rex. :'''Rex:''' It wasn't for nothing, doc. I've got a brother.... Out there... Somewhere. I'm not alone anymore. Finally, I've started to get some real answers. I feel closer to the truth than ever. ===The Forgotten=== :'''Six:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' It's like I'm hearing through my nanites. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' You are not the Before. :'''Rex:''' I'm not sure that was a complete sentence back then. :'''No-Face:''' ''They'' are the Before! The Before forgot us. The Before left us in pain. <hr width80%> ===Operation: Wingman=== :'''Annie:''' "Do you have a girlfriend?" :'''Rex:''' "It's complicated. She's in league with an evil dictator who wants me dead." :'''Annie:''' "Yeah. My dad's always worried about me dating, too." <hr width80%> ===Rabble=== :'''Quarry''': Come on, Rex. (''holds up Rex's journal'') We both know this is what you really want. So go ahead take it. Walk away. Show them who you really are. You were always very good a taking care of yourself. Why should now be any different? :'''Rex''': (''Cuts his journal in two'') Whoever I was back then, is not who I am now. Not anymore. :'''Quarry''': Your choice. <hr width80%> :'''Rex''': It's over, Quarry! You lose! <hr width80%> : '''Sqywwd:''' I hope you don't expect us to thank you. : '''Rex:''' No. Providence won't bother you unless you do something stupid. : '''Cricket:''' We'll be fine. Thank you, Rex. :(''Kisses him on the check'') : '''Tuck:''' Don't forget about us, Okay? : '''Rex:''' That may be a promise I can't keep. (''Flies off on his Boogie Pack'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' It's going to happen again, isn't it? I'm going to blank out. How long do I have? : '''Holiday:''' I don't know, Rex. It's likely triggered by a specific event; something traumatic. ===The Hunter=== ===Gravity=== ===What Lies Beneath=== : '''Circe:''' Rex, it's me. : '''Rex:''' Circe? What do ''you'' want!? : '''Circe:''' Things in Abysus- they're bad, Rex. I need your help. : '''Rex:''' Oh, well, how do I put this nicely? Not a chance! You made your choice, Circe! I made mine. End of story. : '''Circe:''' Please, Rex. I know you're mad at me, but this is a matter of life and death. : '''Rex:''' A lot of things are right now. Nice talking to you. : '''Circe:''' Rex!? : (''Looks crestfallen'') <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I didn't know you were still in touch with Circe. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, me neither. Can we please stop talking about this? <hr width80%> : '''Holiday:''' She's very pretty. : '''Rex:''' She works for Van Kleiss. She's the enemy. : '''Holiday:''' But you still like her, don't you? : '''Rex:''' I am ''not'' talking about this! <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' Rex, thank you. : '''Rex:''' I'm not doing this for you. But...your welcome. (''Circe similes hopefully'') So what exactly am I supposed to do? :'''Holiday:''' When I said you were the key, I meant that literally. According to the plans, the machine needs to be turned on by a molecular level. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' You ''lied'' to me!! : '''Circe:''' You wouldn't have come if I told you the truth. : '''Rex:''' This wasn't about you needing ''me''!! This is about you needing Van Kleiss!! : '''Circe:''' I need you both. Please, Rex, you don't understand. : '''Rex:''' No!! ''You'' don't understand!! Van Kleiss is gone and I intend to keep it that way!! : '''Biowulf:''' You destroyed us all!! : '''Six:''' Don't even breathe. <hr width80%> : '''Circe:''' You don't know what you've done. : '''Rex:''' Then, I guess we're even. : '''Circe:''' You've never understood his power. Van Kleiss kept us safe here. His force was the only thing keeping Abysus together, and you destroyed that. : '''Rex:''' We're done here!! : '''Holiday:''' Rex, I think she's right. Nanites operate on a molecular level. If they bonded with Van Kleiss, breaking off his connection must have caused a splinter; resulting in a disastrous chain reaction. : '''Rex:''' I'm ''not'' bringing him back! ''Not now, not ever!!'' Besides, you don't need Van Kleiss! You have me!! Why not go straight to the source?! :'''Holiday:''' Rex, no! :'''Six:''' Stand down! It's too dangerous! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Let go of me!! : '''Holiday:''' If you keep fighting these unstable nanites, they're going to destroy you! : '''Rex:''' And if I don't they'll destroy everybody else. : '''Holiday:''' Not if you listen to me! I have an idea. It's a long shot. Instead of fighting the nanites, ''communicate'' with them. : '''Six:''' You want to talk to the nanites? : '''Holiday:''' He's done it before. : '''Rex:''' Never anything this big. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' I got you! Don't let go!! (''Rex struggles to save Circe from falling as she clings to him; tears fill her eyes''). ''Circe!!'' (''as she falls into the black goop of highly unstable nanites'') <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' ''Circe!'' Six! Dr. Holiday! Okay, you win. (''technopathically starts the machine''). Something's...not right. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Circe! Come on, breathe! : '''Circe''' (''coughs weakly'')''':''' Hey. : '''Rex:''' Hey. <hr width80%> : '''Rex:''' Stay with us, Circe. Van Kleiss is done. : '''Circe:''' As much as I care about you, Rex, Van Kleiss and the Pack are my family. They took me in when no one else would. I can't abandon them. : '''Rex:''' So that's it. We're always going to be on opposite sides. : '''Circe:''' It does keep it interesting. ===The Swarm=== :'''Rex''' (thinking'')''':''' ''Gotta stay under. Not sure I can...make it. :(''Has visions of those most dear to him: Noah, his crush Circe, Holiday, Six, Bobo) ===Basic=== ===The Plague=== ===Promises, Promises=== :''Note:'' This episode depicts how young Rex had joined Providence via Six's [[w:flashback episode|memories]]. <hr width80%> :''[Six narrates over imagery of the Nanite Event.]'' :'''Six:''' The names and faces may change, but no matter how you slice it, war is war. You pick a side and you don’t look back. I believe that now and I believed it then. What gets you in trouble is when you start second guessing. Forget what you’re fighting for and you’re finished. :'''Diane Farrah:''' ''[Panicked screaming is heard in the background of an EVO attack]'' There’s another entity has emerged, this time in the heart of Paris. Authorities are vastly unprepared. Unless a decisive response to this pandemic is marshalled, the city will fall just as Kiev— ''[Diane Farrah gets snatched by the EVO’s web]'' :''[A Providence assault vehicle rams through police cars, from which Six appears and deals with the EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Save some for me partner! How else am I gonna earn my paycheck? :''[Knight fires off a weapon and the scene cuts to present day at Providence Headquarters.]'' :'''Providence Agents:''' Surprise! :'''Rex:''' So, the flu shots? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I needed an excuse to get you here. We’ll do them after cake. I’ll get you Van Kleiss! ''[Holiday swings at a pinata blindfolded before Rex crushes it with his smack hands]'' :'''Rex:''' Sorry, Doc, it was taking too long. And it was either that or throw some of your cake at it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday walks over to Six at a corner, passing him a drink]'' You’re looking festive. :'''Six:''' It was an odd choice to pick today to be his birthday. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It is the anniversary of his new life here. He deserves a celebration, he changed everything. :'''Six:''' Has he? :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex jumps onto a counter, speaking to the agents surrounding him]'' Ha-hah! How about hitting The Petting Zoo for a little pin-the-tail on the raging “Rhinocesaurus”? :'''Dr. Holiday and Six:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Every party has a pooper. And I got two. :'''Providence Agents:''' ''[Providence Agents turn off the lights and bring Rex a birthday cake]'' Happy Birthday! :'''Rex:''' Dudes! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You should be celebrating too, Six! After all, you’re the one who started this. In a way, it’s your birthday too. :''[Flashback to Six and Knight walking through the Petting Zoo during construction of Providence HQ.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Nyquist. Fortier. How’s the monkey business? :'''Nyquist:''' Ha ha-larious, Knight. :'''Fortier:''' Hey, for your information we probably saved the world today. :'''White Knight:''' I, for one, feel safer already. ''[Knight states, looking at Bobo while Six walks towards his cage]'' :'''Bobo:''' So, green man. We meet again! :'''Calan:''' They found him at the Kremlin this time. He was threatening to push the button unless someone brought him a thousand pounds of caviar. :'''Bobo:''' Chimp’s gotta eat. :'''Fortier:''' What about your little bug hunt? Give you much trouble? :'''White Knight:''' Nothing we couldn’t handle. :''[The EVO is transported in a cage overhead while Knight and Six walk through a hallway.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What? Not even a smile? Oh by the way, happy birthday. ''[Knight passes Six a gift]'' :'''Six:''' How did you know? :'''White Knight:''' I’m your partner. Can’t keep much from me. :'''Six:''' Thanks. :'''White Knight:''' So what crawled up your coat? :'''Six:''' I’m getting tired of all this fighting. Did you see how many there are now? Are we gonna cage the whole world? :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight turns around, placing a hand on Six's shoulder]'' We’re preserving the human race. ''[The door to the processing facility opens]'' Besides, who says we’re gonna cage them all? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Looking at the EVO]'' And to think, this was once spinning webs in someone’s garden. Doctor Holiday, prepare for disassembly. ''[Doctor Holiday nods and activates the procedure as per his instructions. Doctor Fell sports a wicked smile during the experiment before it disintegrates the EVO without a trace]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It’s the same exact data as last time, and the time before that; Doctor Fell, why aren’t we studying them in a natural setting? :'''Dr. Fell:''' Only through molecular dissection will we find a way to expunge this threat. The committee agrees with me on this. If you do not approve, I can always find another assistant. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Doctor Holiday leaves the facility in frustration with Doctor Fell]'' Bleeding hearts. They’ll get us all killed one day. :''[Holiday walks down a hallway and drops several notes, one of which Six picks up.]'' :'''Six:''' EVO? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Exponentially Variegated Organism; a little more scientific than spoiled meat. That is what you hired guns call them isn’t it? :'''Six:''' It's Six, and I don't use guns. You told Fell we could learn more by bringing them in alive. What did you mean? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites are altering our DNA, but with the right type of research, there's no doubt they could be programmed to stop or reverse the process. Imagine a third option to this, kill-or-Contain protocol. :'''Six:''' A third option? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A cure. :'''White Knight:''' ''[Knight and several other Providence agents run past Holiday after an alarm activates]'' Buckle up partner! Looks like we got ourselves a big one. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hopeless. :''[Providence mercenaries arrive at Mexico to confront the giant mechanical EVO.]'' :'''White Knight:''' What are we looking at? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Fascinating. It appears to be bio-mechanical. I must have a closer look at this one. :'''White Knight:''' One for the trophy case. :'''Six:''' Wait. We may get more out of this one if we bring it in alive! <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Fell:''' You're letting your emotions cloud your judgement, Six. With what we gleam from this boy, I could create tools that could inoculate the world. :'''Six:''' Why risk it? He can already cure them! I've seen it! :'''White Knight:''' So, what, we train him? Make him one of us? <hr width80%> :'''Knight:''' We're supposed to be friends! He's a monster! What do you see in him!? :'''Six:''' Hope. <hr width80%> :'''White Knight:''' Thanks for talking some sense into him, Doc. ''[Knight picks up Six’s katana and walks toward Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' What...what’s happening to me? ''[Rex pleas to Knight, who simply looks down at him before warning sirens go off and the facility begins to lockdown]'' :'''Dr. Fell:''' We’re all going to burn. ''[Fell escapes while Rex is craned away by Holiday on an upper level]'' :'''White Knight:''' No! ''[Knight looks back at Six who is slowly picking himself up while the remaining exits close off. In a last ditch effort, Knight carries Six and throws him through the final set of doors before they seal shut]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Six picks himself and slams his fist against the glass]'' Why? :'''White Knight:''' I know what side I’m on. ''[Knight proudly states before getting consumed by a blinding white light and screaming in agony]'' :'''Six:''' ''[Grabbing a hold of Dr. Fell's collar Six shouts]'' Do something! :'''Dr. Fell:''' Once the cycle starts it's impossible to shut down. :'''Rex:''' ''[Contrary to Dr. Fell's statement, the light fades away and the electricity is subdued after Rex interfaces with a control panel]'' Impossible? Psh, right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you—-? :'''Rex:''' Told it to turn off. And it did! Wait, where...where am I? :'''Dr. Fell:''' ''[Speaking through a monitor]'' Doctor Holiday. Maybe you were right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Maybe you should start looking for another job. :'''Bobo:''' ''[Within the processing chamber, Knight takes a few steps forward before collapsing]'' Hey marshmallow! Nice look! ''[Knight looks back up at Bobo with his signature bleached appearance]'' :''[Some time later, in his office White Knight speaks to Six through a monitor.]'' :'''White Knight:''' How’s the training? :'''Six:''' Slow. :'''White Knight:''' Not all you hoped he’d be? ''[Rex and Bobo topple each other in a play fight while Knight continues to monologue in his office]'' Still, who would’ve thought the kinder, gentler approach would do such wonders for our profile. The notion of a cure has gotten Providence funding, and worldwide prestige. The committee's happy. Your new partner may just be the best thing this operation could have asked for. Funny, isn’t it? Because of you I can never leave this chamber. I’m now the only pure human left in the world. And the perfect poster boy to run this operation. I suppose I should thank you. :'''Six:''' I promised him that we would help uncover his past; find his family. :'''White Knight:''' Whatever keeps him on his leash. But if he shows the slightest sign of turning into thing again, it's all on you. :''[Back at the party in the present, Noah is pinned down by Bobo with a bag on his head to Rex’s amusement.]'' :'''Rex:''' Hoo-hoo-hoo! Oh my—hold him down, I’ll get the camera! ''[Rex runs to his room, and after a quick search he instead finds a long box on a corner shelf]'' :'''Six:''' Happy birthday. ''[Six walks into his room, officially greeting Rex]'' :'''Rex:''' From you? For me? You gotta be kidding. :'''Six:''' You, your work. It has made a real difference. I just—- :'''Rex:''' Yeah, I know I’m pretty great! But seriously get off the sap train, Six. It’s creeping me out. ''[Rex opens the gift to reveal the blade inside]'' Wow, Six! Thank you! :'''Six:''' It’s called a tanto. It’s the ceremonial blade of a samurai warrior. :'''Rex:''' Samurai? Awesome. :'''Six:''' ''[Six unsheathes his own tanto and holds it against Rex’s]'' This is its twin. :'''Rex:''' ''[Rex removes the cap from his tanto and squints at the symbol etched into the blade]'' Is that...writing? :'''Six:''' Bushido symbol of loyalty. It means whether for good or ill, our fates will follow the same path. This one stays with me. :'''Rex:''' Think this thing can cut through Holiday’s chocolate cake? :'''Six:''' ''[Six raises an eyebrow]'' Anything’s possible. :''[Rex puts the cap back on to the blade and camera cuts to outside of Providence headquarters, panning outward until screen fades to black.]'' ===Badlands=== :'''Gatlocke:''' Do you like rules? :'''Rex:''' Can't say I do. <hr width80%> :'''Gatlocke:''' Feel that? It's quilted. This is the good kind. But I won't be able to really enjoy in ''until I have those nanites!'' <hr width80%> ===Out of the Dark=== :''Note'': Rex's love interest and sweetheart Circe appears in a vision. ===Payback=== :''[In the realm of Abysus]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Humiliated... De-powered... All but destroyed. Hardly the new world I set out to build, is it? :'''Biowulf:''' Master, a spy has made contact. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Well? :'''Providence Spy:''' Everything is in place. :'''Van Kleiss:''' And the boy? :'''Providence Spy:''' He's here. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[to his loyal followers]'' Soon our greatest enemy will be buried! Providence itself will be destroyed. And we'll have Rex to thank. :'''Rex:''' Come on! Who's gonna know? :'''Noah:''' Yeah. It would only be for a minute or two. :'''Calan:''' You actually want me to let you fly the keep? :''[Calan sighs]'' :'''Calan:''' Only until the next course change. And nothing fancy. :'''Rex:''' All right, let's see what this baby can really do! Why, it wasn't me! Seriously! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Providence Spies:''' Aah! :'''White Knight:''' Calan, what's your status? :'''Calan:''' Came from out of nowhere. We're being boarded. Scramble all jump jets. Mobilize for a counter-offensive. :'''White Knight:''' This is a coordinated attack. Every major Providence outpost around the globe has been hit. :'''Six:''' So far they've steered clear of headquarters. I'm on route to the keep now. :'''Rex:''' Are they really that stupid? Attacking the keep with me on board? This should only take a minute. :'''Noah:''' Wait up! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find Rex. It goes without saying "alive" would be ideal. Take the ship. :'''Providence Spy:''' Some kind of power surge. We're losing control of the helm! :'''Calan:''' Find out where it's coming from. Doc, if you'll excuse me-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six? :'''Six:''' Five minutes out. Prepare for an evac. I'm getting you off the ship. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Again with the Smack Hands? You always open with that move. Change it up a little! :'''Both:''' Whoa! :'''Bobo:''' You see what you get? That's what happens when you interrupt my nap-- Bobo gets cranky! :'''Rex:''' I learned that the hard way, too. :'''Calan:''' All hands-- We've got intruders on deck four, five, and six. Get'em off our ship! :'''Rex:''' Go! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Attention, Providence. The ship is ours. :'''Rex:''' Ugh! Not even close, Van Kleiss! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Lay down your weapons, and your lives will be spared. Continue to resist and nothing survives. :'''Rex:''' You've made I made some lame-o moves before, Van Kleiss, but this one-- classic. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Seems you may have run out of tricks. Oh, you had to know it would only be a matter of time. I've had a fair amount of time on my hands these days. ''[Restrains Rex with his gauntlet]'' :'''Rex:''' Aaaaah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' You took something very precious from me, Rex, and now I'll be returning the favor. :'''Rex:''' If you want my monkey, you can forget it. :''[Van Kleiss starts draining nanites from Rex, causing him to squirm and scream in pain.]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It might come as a surprise that when you stole the nanites that gave my power, you left some of your behind-- Enough to tell me a few of what makes you tick. :''[Rex tries to summon a build, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ungh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'll find that using your powers will be something of a challenge. The nanites that you so special belong to me now. :'''Biowulf:''' What shall I do with him, master? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I have everything I need from him. I could care less. Secure the rest of the ship. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Come on! Do you really think throwing me out that hatch is the best way to get rid of me? Wouldn't it be more fun to throw me in a cage, tie me down in front of a laser? :'''Biowulf:''' No! :'''Rex:''' Aaaaaaaah! Wh-o-o-o-o-oa! :'''Noah:''' What is he doing? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This is no time to fool around, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Happened to notice that ground coming up on his, doc? If you don't do something fast, I'm about to become part of it! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, are you okay? :'''Rex:''' I think we may have a problem. :'''White Knight:''' What do you mean "they have the keep"?! Blow it up! :'''Six:''' We tried. The remote-destruct sequence has been disabled. Van Kleiss has complete control of it. :'''White Knight:''' Give me some good news. :'''Six:''' We know where it's heading. Here. :'''Biowulf:''' This is the commanding officer. We found him attempting to destroy this ship. :'''Calan:''' What's your game, Van Kleiss? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, a very good question-- One that depends entirely on what happens next, Captain. It seems my powers have made a slight... change. :'''Rex:''' Well? They're gone, aren't they? Van Kleiss took all my active nanites. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. I found this. Definitely a nanite, but it's unlike anything I've ever seen. Molecular scans seems to indicate it's some kind of control-nanite. :'''Rex:''' But with nothing to control. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With a large enough concentration of nanites, we might be able to jump-start it. But even with that, there's no guarantee it would replicate or even give you back the same abilities. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I hate to say it, but this one has me stumped. :'''Rex:''' Great. Loving this. :'''White Knight:''' If you're finished with the lost cause, we've got a bigger problem. :'''Biowulf:''' Master, how is this possible? :'''Van Kleiss:''' It would seem Rex's nanites have an opposite effect on me. He cured EVOs. Now I create them. Full ahead-- Ramming speed! Once we're through, we'll destroy Providence from the inside out. :'''White Knight:''' Lock it down! I want hallways cleared and critical sections defended. They will not take this base. :'''Rex:''' Well? What are we waiting for? Let's go stop them! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, you're in no condition to fight. :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you expect me to do-- Hide? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Whatever it takes. That nanite inside you might be able to bring you back, but it's going to take me time to figure out how. And that's not something we have a lot of right now. :'''Rex:''' Wow. Nice outfit. :'''Noah:''' Got one for you, too. You get to armor up like the rest of us normals. :'''Rex:''' Come on. :'''Bobo:''' All right, where to? :'''Rex:''' South Pacific. :'''Bobo:''' That's my boy. And here I thought you'd try to pull some hero stunt. Oh, brother. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I want the White Knight. Find where he's hiding and bring him to me. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That should be everything, as long as the offsite backup holds. :'''Six:''' Don't let it get to that. :'''Noah:''' This is a strange place for a base. :'''Rex:''' When I have too many nanites in me, this is where I go to offload. :'''Bobo:''' Think of it as a nanite porta-potty. :'''Noah:''' Thanks... For that image, Bobo. So, we just put some of these nanites in you, and we're good to go? :'''Rex:''' No. They're inactive. Or at least stripped of their programming. Since I can't control them, I just have to hope that whatever this thing is inside me can't. :'''Noah:''' So... What happens if it can't? :'''Bobo:''' Let me put it this way-- The last guy who went swimmin' in that soup ended up a 50-foot freak show. :'''White Knight:''' Listen to me carrefully, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'd rather not. :'''White Knight:''' Where are they? :'''Six:''' The inner perimeter has been compromised. They're coming. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Skalamander roars]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Open it. :'''Rex:''' Okay. Bobo, set the thing to "vent" and go. If this doesn't work, I don't want you getting caught in the blast. :'''Bobo:''' No. :'''Noah:''' Forget it. Rex, at least think about his for a sec. What if it wipes your memory? What it turns you into some evil monster? :'''Rex:''' My friends need me. There's nothing more to think about. Bobo, do it. :'''Bobo:''' Long odds, pay big. :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Six:''' You've overstayed your welcome. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, here's someone who would make a nice addition to our EVO ranks. :'''Six:''' Go ahead and try. Ugh! :''[Six groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Trying to do my job for me, Six? Here's a thought-- When your top henchman can't even get rid of someone by throwing him out of a moving plane, time to rethink the help. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You are determined-- I'll give you that. If it's what you prefer, I'll finish you myself. :'''Rex:''' Maybe. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Cool! :'''Bobo:''' See? I told you it would work. :'''Six:''' This is an unexpected surprise. :'''Rex:''' Well, by now, you should expect the unexpected from me, Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :''[Skalamander roars]'' :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Noah:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Bobo:''' Not anymore. :'''Noah:''' You think there might be more of them? :'''Bobo:''' Eh... Probably. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :''[Biowulf growls]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Aaaaaaah! :'''White Knight:''' I use that electromagnet to trap stray nanites. You're lucky it's on the lowest setting. Any higher, and it would rip the nanites right out of your body. :''[Biowulf grunts]'' :'''Biowulf:''' Then why don't you? :'''White Knight:''' Because then I wouldn't be able to do this. :'''Skalamander:''' No one can help you. You're all alone now. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not exactly. We still have my sister. :''[Skalamander grunting]'' :''[Rex and Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Aaaaah! :'''Rex:''' No way! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ungh! :'''Rex:''' Once again, epic fail. I'll take my nanites back now. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! :'''Noah:''' Rex, wait! :'''Bobo:''' Van Kleiss left behind a few presents. :'''Rex:''' No time to look everywhere. I'm shutting everything down. :'''Noah:''' You can do that? :'''Rex:''' Don't know. Never tried. Anything else? No? :'''Calan:''' Whew! I never want to do that again. No, sir. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Amazing. :'''Rex:''' Why, thank you. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I was talking about the nanites. That was a risky move, Rex, but it worked. As far as I can tell, you're back to your old self. :'''Rex:''' I don't know. Something feels different. That new build-- I think I can do even more. It's like I can see the blueprints. I just need to figure out how to put it all together. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight in person. Never thought I'd see the day. :'''White Knight:''' Well, don't get used to it. We found all the explosives. The base and the keep will need extensive repairs. This was not our finest hour. :'''Rex:''' What are you talking about? We kicked butt! So what if Van Kleiss is back and more powerful than ever? So am I! If he wants a nanite war, let him bring it! :''[White Knight laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' It's good to have your back, Rex. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You know, I think he actually means it. :'''Rex:''' Sure he does. So, tell me something, guys-- What's next? ==Season Two (2011)== ===Rampage=== :'''Rex:''' I'll give you the recap. Thanks to these microscopic machines called nanites, I can build cool gear out of my body. I'm what's called an EVO. But most EVOs aren't lucky like me. They usually look like this. ''[Chuckling]'' I know what you're thinking. And they smell bad, too. There's one other thing I can do that makes me even more special. Some EVOs, I can cure. That's why I work for Providence. We're the people you call when an evo is tearing up your lawn or attacking a city. And the worst of them is this guy-- Van Kleiss. The last time we fought, things got a little out of hand. I'll admit it-- We pretty much got our tails handed to us. He steals the key, wrecks headquarters, hijacks my nanite to get back the powers I took away from him. And now he can actually make people into EVOs. Then, to top it off, he has his dog boy Biowulf throw me, overboard at 6,000 feet. Not that anyone's keeping score. Sure, Van Kleiss may be back, but so am I. So what if he can make EVOs? I can still cure them. He may have new powers, but guess what-- I do, too. Ever since my powers came back, I've got the ability to make amazing new machines. Now I just have to figure out how to build more. If you're trying to check up on me, Six, the answer's still a big fat... ''[imitates buzzer]'' I can't figure out how to make this new build. :'''Six:''' It might take some time, but you'll get it. :'''Rex:''' And meanwhile, Van Kleiss is out there doing who knows what. I wish they'd hurry up and get the H.Q. Rebuilt. You're not still living out of your jump jet like some ninja hobo, are you? :'''Six:''' My temporary accommodations are perfectly adequate. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Still living in the jet. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I hate being kicked out of our house. Although, as long as they're building stuff, I need a hot tub. :''[Carmen gasps]'' :'''Carmen:''' Madre! Estas viva! Como puede ser? :'''Carmen's mother:''' No querida. Soy la prima gemela diabolica de tu madre. :'''Noah:''' What are you watching? :'''Rex:''' Cultural enrichment! Later on, we find out if Dr. Suarez chooses Isabel, or her evil half sister, Ana Maria. :'''Carmen:''' Pero, como va supremivir esto nuesta familia. :'''Carmen's mother:''' Con mucho dolor, vengaza y arrepentimiento. :'''Noah:''' If you're gonna stay with me while they're rebuilding Providence, at least don't flaunt the fact that you don't have a pre-calculus test in three days. :'''Rex:''' Pre-wha? :'''Noah:''' Exactly my point. And when I agreed to this, I wasn't expecting the sidekick, too. :'''Bobo:''' Hey, pally, we're a package deal. Live with it. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah:''' Was that a toenail? Can I just get hit by a toenail?! :'''Rex:''' What's your deal? :'''Noah:''' Aah! Get one in my mouth! Ugh! :'''Rex:''' Okay, that is gross. Bobo, bad monkey. I thought this would be fun. :''[Noah scoffs]'' :'''Noah:''' For you, maybe. I'll get a real life, too, you know. As much as I want it to be, it can't be all fun and games all the time, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Why not? Worse for me. :'''Noah:''' Hey, I like adventure as much as the next guy, but I still have to pass math. :'''Rex:''' You're not going to fail math. You have like the fourth highest GPA in your class. :'''Noah:''' It used to be third. :'''Rex:''' And ten years from now, nobody's going to care. Hey doc, miss me? Huh? Oh. A situation. Really? Awesome! Nope. I'm not doing anything. Be right there. I'm gonna go pound some EVO into submission. Wanna come? :'''Noah:''' You're serious? :'''Rex:''' No. That would be you. Have fun with that math. :'''Noah:''' Save the world or a chance at a scholarship? All right! I'm coming! :'''Rex:''' Now see? It's a lot more fun when you just let go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you hold that thing still? :'''Rex:''' Dibs! That's a whole lot of agents for one EVO, doc. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They weren't here for the EVO. That ship is carrying the new power core for Providence headquarters. This thing just happened to show up when we started to offload it. :''[Dr. Holiday grunting]'' :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' Wh-o-o-o-oa! :''[Rex straining]'' :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' Did you see the mark? Van Kleiss made that one. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why else do you think I've been trying to get a sample from it? :'''Rex:''' I don't know-- Just being science-y? Ugh! :'''Bobo and Noah:''' Yeah! :'''Rex:''' Does that work for you? :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It'll do. Got it. We can cure it now. :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Aah! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Chuckling]'' Unless you like getting thrown around like that. :'''Noah:''' No hurry. This is great. :'''Bobo and Noah:''' Ew! :''[Dock worker grunts]'' :'''Dock worker:''' What hit me? :'''Rex:''' That would be me. :'''Six:''' You work here? :'''Dock worker:''' What do you think, mister? Ahh, my back. :'''Rex:''' Yep. Sorry. Was trying, you know, not to die. If he works at the dock, that must mean Van Kleiss was here. :'''Noah:''' Actually, I think he still is. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They're after the power core. :'''Rex:''' All this for a battery? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Not just a battery. It could fuel a country the size of Abysus for a decade. :'''Rex:''' And it was going to be underneath my room?! Excuse me. Out of the way! Coming through! I was wondering when you and your hair would show up again, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Back to your old self again, I see. And how are those new abilities developing? :'''Rex:''' Just fine. Thanks for asking. Here's what I bet you're thinking, "did we really think this plan through? Was using some poor dude as a decoy the best move?" :'''Van Kleiss:''' I suppose only time will tell. Not as strong as you thought. :'''Rex:''' Not yet. That time I really thought I had it, okay? Ohh! :'''Noah:''' How awesome was that? :'''Rex:''' What part-- You clobbering Van Kleiss or Van Kleiss clobbering me? :'''Noah:''' Well, both, actually. :'''Rex:''' Hold on. I need a second to think of a really good dig. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' :'''Rex:''' Why are you smiling? We just owned you. It's over, Van Kleiss. You lose! :'''Noah:''' That was the best you could come up with. "You lose"? :'''Rex:''' That one didn't count. He caught me off guard with the whole smiling thing, okay? :'''Van Kleiss:''' You'd be wise to consider delaying your celebration for the moment, Rex. You're about to have your hands quite full. :'''Rex:''' Oh, really? And how do you figure that? :'''Noah:''' Aah! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Here's the part where you must be thinking, "did I think this plan through?" :'''Rex:''' Noah! :''[Noah growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Are you nuts?! Stop it! :'''Six:''' Stand down! :'''Rex:''' Take it easy, Noah. You're going to be okay. This will all be over in a second. Great. Just great. :'''Six:''' Go! :'''Rex:''' Noah, if you can still understand me, when I said you should let things go, this isn't exactly what I meant. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Headache. It should be about balance, you know? Take care of the important stuff, but leave room for a little fun. Right now! Too much fun! :''[Rex screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Wh-o-o-o-oa! Everything's fine. Not a problem. :'''Six:''' If you can't stop him, it's going to be. :'''Rex:''' You know, Six, you really need to learn to think positive. :''[Diane Farrah and Reporter gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Stupid grin. It's like it's all just a game to him. :'''Determined grandmother:''' I know you! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, uh, thanks, but-- :'''Determined grandmother:''' You're that "tex" kid from Providence. :'''Rex:''' Oh, Rex. Ma'am, this really isn't-- :'''Determined grandmother:''' I have a bone to pick with Providence. Do you realize how awful it's been? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex:''' Funny story, he's actually my friend, so as soon as I can catch him-- :'''Determined grandmother:''' Every single night, someone moves my glasses. I leave them on the nightstand, and when I wake up, they're on the dresser! :'''Rex:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' There's got to be an EVO in my house. Some of them only come out at night, you know. :'''Rex:''' Uh-huh. :'''Determined grandmother:''' Now, I keep calling you people, but no one will give me the time of day over there. So, you tell me-- How am I supposed to feel safe when there is an EVO in my apartment?! :'''Rex:''' Here. First number on speed dial. :'''Determined grandmother:''' He's eating the cat food, too! :'''Bobo:''' That friend of yours is a walking disaster. I'm starting to like the kid. :'''Six:''' We'll get this. Go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' A little busy right now, doc. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Then I'll make it quick. The active nanites Van Kleiss create are highly unstable. If Noah isn't cured soon, his condition will be permanent. :'''Rex:''' How long do I have? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's probably different for each infected person, but I calculate less than an hour. :'''Rex:''' Noah, you have to listen to me. If I don't change you back, this is not going to turn out well. Please. Let me help you. No! No! Thanks a lot, guys! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Noah, I'm serious! Stop playing around! :''[Rex screams]'' :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' This isn't a game, Noah! Huh. Maybe it should be. Okay, Noah. I give up! You're it! Better not be another train. All right! :''[Noah roaring]'' :'''Rex:''' Aw, no. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Well, what do you know? I'm "it" again. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, any luck? :'''Rex:''' Yep. I got him. Stand by. This isn't going to hurt. I promise. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? :'''Rex:''' I'm too late. I don't believe this. My best friend's an EVO forever-- And not even a cool EVO. He's the annoying, breaks-stuff kind. :''[Noah belches]'' :'''Rex:''' Ugh! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Actually, Rex, it might not be Noah. Your biometrics have flat-lined. :'''Rex:''' All that running around. He just wore me out. Did you hear that? It's me, not you. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' Just give me a minute. :''[Noah roaring]'' :'''Rex:''' Noah, don't even-- No, no, no, no, no. No! No! I don't believe this. You really need a hobby, Van Kleiss. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I thought we could settle things without distraction. Here is as good a place as any. :'''Rex:''' I already kicked your butt once today. Ready to go again? :'''Van Kleiss:''' The question is, are you? It's hardly a fair fight. :'''Rex:''' Oh. Then I promised to go easy on you. What? You think I don't have my powers or something? I'm about to give you the pounding of the century! Come on, powers. Please come back! Don't you have anything better to do with your life than come after me all the time? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Funny you should ask. :'''Rex:''' Doc? How are those biometrics looking now? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Give it a try. :'''Rex:''' Ah, yeah! It's about time! Machines work. I just hope the important part does. :'''Noah:''' What just happened? :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? :'''Noah:''' It all kind of hazy. I mostly remember the feeling of... Fun. And I remember you punching me in the face. :'''Rex:''' Yeah. Sorry about that. I thought you were trying to eat me. Come on. We've got a rat to catch. Why so happy? Is this the part where breach shows up and rescues you? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, no. This is the part where she takes your inadequately guarded fuel core. :'''Six:''' Six to post, what's your status? Six to post. :'''Rex:''' Another decoy? :'''Van Kleiss:''' I should share some of the credit with your friend over here. He played the part to perfection. :'''Noah:''' Gee, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, this would be the part where Breach shows up. :'''Noah:''' I can't believe I did all this. Sounds like I had the time of my life. :'''Rex:''' ''[laughing]'' It almost became your life. Sorry about that. :'''Noah:''' Are you kidding? Just knowing I was a rampaging EVO is cool. I wish I could have remembered at least some of it. :'''Rex:''' It's probably all over the news if you want a replay... At least until you stepped on the news van. :'''Noah:''' Well... ''[Exhales sharply]'' Guess it's back to quadratic equations. :'''Rex:''' I have no idea what those are. I've got somewhere I need to be. See you later. I know. I'm not supposed to be here. I don't care if it's a construction zone. I'm moving back. :'''Six:''' It's all right. Turns out you're not the only one who feels that way. You'll get used to the cold showers. Food, you're on your own. From the top? :'''Rex:''' From the top. :'''Six:''' What were you trying to build, anyway? :'''Rex:''' A water jet. Oh, by the way, I need a new cellphone. :'''Six:''' Yes? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' It's after my glasses again. :'''Six:''' Glasses? :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' This time I am serious. Now, when are you going to send someone out here? :'''Six:''' Ma'am, I'm... :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' Do you even work for Providence? :'''Six:''' Yes, I work for Providence. :'''Determined grandmother:''' ''[through phone]'' What kind of a flimflam outfit is this? :'''Six:''' How did you get this number? ===Wasteland=== ===Tough Love=== ===The Lost Weekend=== :'''Kenwyn:''' What did you to Skwydd? :'''Mouse:''' Just shedding a light light on how dangerous his kind can be. :'''Rex:''' By juicing his powers? What were you thinking? :'''Mouse:''' Most inorganic material explodes when given that kind of molecular jolt, but not not nanites. They convert the energy into power that amplifies an E.V.O.'s abilities to tremendously uncontrollable levels. ===Star-Crossed=== ===Alliance=== :'''Rex:''' The ends of the earth lie a place so deadly, it was sealed forever from the outside world. Welcome... to the Bug Jar... Where monstrous creatures roam free... Where a faithless ruler seeks to escape to inflict his wrath upon humanity. But now, the Great Barrier is on the verge of failure... And the hope of all mankind lies in the bravest, most capable hands. And, uh, speaking of hands, you have four. Think you could lend one? :'''Bobo:''' Whoops. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Guys, what's the status of the shield? :'''Rex:''' The power regulator is completely trashed, doc. I'll need to control it manually until I can get it started. Mm. Kind of ripe in here. :'''Bobo:''' That little back door there? :''[Bobo clears throat]'' :'''Bobo:''' Not the bathroom. More Bug Jar, buddies. I got the last one. :'''Rex:''' ''[Sighs]'' Fine. Hold this. And whatever you do, do not let go. :'''Bobo:''' Or what? :'''Rex:''' Kaboom! :'''Bobo:''' He will pay. :'''Rex:''' Okay, little wormie, come to papa. Whoa. Yet even in this forsaken place, our hero runs afoul of his evil nemesis... Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' And he brought his Pack flunkies. Biowulf, Skalamander, Breach. Circe? Gotta hurry. Their headed straight for... someplace else. Gonna find out where. <hr width80%> :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex why aren't you fixing that shield regulator? :'''Rex:''' Hint. You may remember him from such schemes as destroying Providence headquarters, and trying to take over the entire Earth. :'''Dr.Holiday:''' Van Kliess, in there? You're right. You should investigate after you fix the shield. :'''Rex:''' Then it might be too late. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' She's there, isn't she? :'''Rex:''' Who? Breach? Yeah, but-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' A quick recon and that's it. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Intriguing. An entire urban branch of EVO. development. :'''Biowulf:''' This place is a waste of our time. :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss knows what he's doing. It's not your place to question. :'''Biowulf:''' Question?! You dare accuse me of disloyalty?! :'''Circe:''' Sorry. Get a grip! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You're right, you know. We should be down there with him. What is he up to anyway? :'''Biowulf:''' I do not know. :'''Circe:''' You don't know? I thought he trusted you with everything. :'''Biowulf:''' Of course he does! He just-- :'''Rex:''' Hey! Easy on the stealth suit, which apparently, isn't so stealthy. <hr width80%> :'''NoFace:''' Invaders have come before. They brought only pain. :'''Van Kleiss:''' It is a pain we both share. The same Providence outsides attacked my lands, destroyed my army. :'''NoFace:''' There was one who tormented us, humiliated us. The grower of machines. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Ah, Rex. Another thorn we share. My proposal is simple: You control a formidable legion. I, in turn, can provide the escape and the vengeance you seek. I can be your liberator. You can be my general. Together we will crush our enemies, starting with the one you hate most. Now are we-- :'''Biowulf:''' Master, I have a report. :'''Van Kleiss:''' ''[irritated]'' This is a private conversation. Can't you handle the sightest detail without bothering me? :'''Biowulf:''' Of course, Master. It was nothing. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Here comes the moment when our brave hero sweeps the girl of her feet! Literally! :'''Biowulf:''' Don't let him. :'''Circe:''' Hey! Let-- :'''Rex:''' ''[flies off with Circe in his arms]'' See you around, henchie! :'''Biowulf:''' ''[to Skalamander]'' Follow them. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Down, now! :'''Rex:''' Not till we hear each other out! :'''Circe:''' Sure! I'll go first. :''[Breaks the Bogie Pack with a hypersonic burst, causing them to fall]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, great. Way to go, Circe. <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[to himself]'' Our hero pursues the girl of his dreams, heedless of her attempts to break his heart... along with the rest of him. Circe, just one minute, okay? Look-No powers! :'''Circe:''' One minute! But if this is about leaving the Pack-- :'''Rex:''' Please. I'm way past that. There are bigger things going here than who you hang out with. :'''Circe:''' Fifty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I wasn't sent here to spy on you. I'm here to stop these things from ever getting out. :'''Circe:''' Forty! Why are you telling me this? You know who I am! :'''Rex:''' You've seen the things that live here. Whatever deal you think Van Kleiss is making, it's going to turn out bad for everyone. :'''Circe:''' Thirty seconds! :'''Rex:''' I do know who you are, Circe. Just for once think for yourself. Maybe your perfect leader could actually be wrong, maybe even a bit crazy, nuts, certifiably insane! : '''Circe:''' Shut up! Twenty! Talk about blinded. Did you ever wonder why Van Kleiss is so interested in you? :'''Rex:''' Oh, I don't know. Maybe he wants me dead? :'''Circe:''' Not anymore. Something has changed, Rex. Ever since you got your powers back, I hear him talking. Saying you have something that's the key to everything. For whatever reason, he needs you alive. I know it, Rex. He'd never let you be killed. :'''Rex:''' Never, huh? :'''Circe:''' Time's up! <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' Now this looks like a party. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Rex, you never cease to amaze me. <hr width80%> :'''No-Face:''' Defiler! Give him to us! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now do you believe I can deliver what I say? Will yoh agree to my leadership? :'''No-Face:''' We agree to it! Give him to us! Now! Now! Now! :'''Circe:''' ''[very shocked]'' Van Kleiss, I didn't bring Rex here so that you could-- He'll kill him! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Never forget how I found you, Circe. What you were... before. He's yours. :''[Tears well up in Circe's eyes; thoroughly horrified that her master would calmly allow Rex's life to be put at risk]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[weakly]'' Is this what you wanted? :''[Collapses from his inquiries, causing Circe to open her eyes]'' :'''Circe''' ''[tearful, pleading]'': Stop this! Please! You need him alive! :'''Van Kleiss:''' Alive, yes. Heart pumping, lungs breathing, but his mind? The less there's left of that, the better. Circe, I warn you: Lift so much as a finger to help him, and you're finished! <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' You, Biowulf, even me. We're all just means to an end for him. He doesn't really care for any of us. :'''Rex:''' So you finally figured that out. Better late than never, I guess. :'''Circe:''' It's not too late! Not if I have anything to say about it! :''[Extends her fleshly and grotesque EVOs mouth]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! Whoa! There are some of us who might not like the sound of whatever you're about to do! :'''Circe:''' I'll adjust the frequency to exclude friendly EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Does that include me? :'''Circe:''' For now. :''[Uses her melodious, hypnotic singing to call back the EVOs escaping]'' :'''Rex:''' I thought you said you could filter it. :'''Circe:''' It's not an exact science. <hr width80%> :'''Circe:''' Van Kleiss. :'''Rex:''' Breach'll get him out... eventually. But right now he's in there, you're out here. You don't have a better opportunity to consider your options. :''[Notice the two of them holding hands and let go, blushing]'' :'''Bobo:''' What is it stealing from our own people that's so dang satisfying? :'''Circe:''' You forget to remove the tracker. I'm not going to Providence. :'''Rex:''' Doesn't matter where you go. All that matters is that you want to go there. That said. I hear Hong Kong's nice this time of year. ===Robo Bobo=== ===Divide By Six=== :'''One''': ''[Speaking through Rex]'' Six. :'''Six''': One? :'''One''': You left this place, quit life as a mercenary and so rarely returned to visit. :'''Six''': I did what I felt was right, I never meant to dishonor. :'''One''': So rarely, that I never had time to tell you how proud you've made me. :'''Six''': ''[Takes off his glasses for the first time in the series]'' We're going to help you. We're going to take you home. :'''One''': But Six, I am home. ''[Rex falls unconscious while One's body starts changing. Eventually his body dissolves and fertilizes the entire island to its former splendor]'' : '''Six:''' He's still One. He's just one with everything. ===Mixed Signals=== : '''Rex:''' Whoa, big guy! Someone needs to ease off on the cheeseburgers. : '''Six:''' Skip the insults. Start the containment. : '''Rex:''' Like its feelings are going to get hurt. One bad and ugly going down. What? : '''Six:''' Rex? Rex! : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Six:''' You want to explain this? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. It's like some weird vision of this thing filled my head, then built itself out of me. Maybe the vision came from Blobbo. Maybe it's trying to talk to me. Come on, big boy. Send me some more pictures. What's on your mind? : '''Six:''' Groceries. That's what's on its mind. : '''Rex:''' I'm skipping. I'm over it. That vision must have been a fluke. : '''Six:''' All right, then. We're going with a two-prong attack. Use caution. This kind of EVO might be a splitter. Rex! Snap out of it! : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Ha! I wasn't supposed to do that, right? : '''Six:''' Rex, I want you back at HQ. : '''Rex:''' But I feel okay now. And we've got, um-- Two blobs to put down. : '''Six:''' Now! : '''Holiday:''' No trace of any recent electrochemical or DNA abnormalities. Everything reads normal. : '''Rex:''' But it's like the visions were being transmitted, and I was seeing it from a nanite point of view. : '''Holiday:''' I can't track it, Rex. There's no sign of signal displacement or a nano disturbance. Maybe we should consider the possibility that this is psychological. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Pizza. : '''Holiday:''' I think he's having another vision. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Of lunch? : '''Rex:''' With pineapple and salmon. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Blech! He is nuts. : '''Holiday:''' Aside from a strange choice in pizza toppings, all readings are normal. I can't explain it. : '''Rex:''' Well, if my nanites are trying to get me to build something, maybe we should give them what they want. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Whatever it is, I'm not eating it. Is that my electric toothbrush? : '''Rex:''' It better not be the one I've been using. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Oh. : '''Rex:''' This is what I'm seeing in my head. As stupid as it looks. It's like someone or something is sending me instructions to build some big device. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Or build a pizza with pineapple and salmon. : '''Rex:''' Okay. I'm not sure about that vision. : '''Holiday:''' Is that my hairdryer? : '''Rex:''' I just need to figure out what it does. Maybe it's a time machine. Or-- Or alien technology! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Maybe it's just a big pile of junk. Or a way to order a really awful pizza. : '''Contraption Voice:''' Target acquired. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Wake up! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Provindece Soldier #1:''' Hey, where do you think you're going? We've got a security breach. Front floor. : '''Providence Soldier #2:''' Lockdown protocols enabled. All hands report to duty station. Security speed, take position. : '''Rex:''' Sorry, guys. I might be a little... late. : '''Caesar:''' Case compression. Release. : '''Rex:''' Figures I'd build a machine with a serious attitude problem. : '''Caesar:''' ''[taking off his helmet and turns to Rex]'' Rex, is that you? : '''Rex:''' Who’s asking? : '''Caesar:''' It’s me, Caesar, your brother! Mijo! ''[Hugs Rex]'' You're alive and... older. ''[Rex is dumbfounded]'' Uh. Atomic clock was right... ''[spanish accent]'' Es una problema grande. : '''Rex:''' Uh, yeah. ''[Pushes Caesar]'' It is a big problem. : '''Caesar:''' What is this place? Who are you people? ''[to Rex]'' I'm getting you out of here! : '''Bobo Haha:''' Sorry, amigo. Put your hands up. Or don't. I got a clear shot either way. : '''Caesar:''' ''[is looking at Bobo]'' A talking chimp? : '''Bobo Haha:''' Don't bother. I've heard all the jokes. : '''Caesar:''' Have they hurt you? Are you okay? Stand aside. : '''Rex:''' Hello? Do I get a say in this? : '''Holiday:''' If you're part of some elaborate plan to kidnap Rex, then you failed. : '''Caesar:''' Listen, bonita, you don't wanna make me use this. : '''Rex:''' ''[gets in between them]'' Enough! Normally around here when someone barges in talking crazy, they get around into the deck plates by my giant fists. But you seem legit. I'm going with him. : '''Holiday:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Okay, brother. Lead the way. So if you are my brother, where have you been all this time? : '''Caesar:''' I'll explain later when we're safe. : '''Rex:''' Uh, this is Providence. We are safe. Usually. : '''Caesar:''' Providence? Never heard of it. To be honest, the last five years has been a bit of a blur. : '''Rex:''' I want to believe you, but I'm gonna need some proof. : '''Caesar:''' Your name is Rex Salazar. Our parents are Violetta and Raphael. The last time I saw you was at the Applied Nanite Research Lab in Abysus; right before those fools triggered a replication cycle. : '''Rex:''' And I have total amnesia so, for all I know, that could be completely bogus. : '''Caesar:''' There's a scar on the back of your left knee you got when you were seven, riding the gantry arm in the reactor annex. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. I always wondered how I got that. :''[they go out and Rex notices Caesar Salazar's pod laboratory]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. Nice wheels. : '''Six:''' ''[Comes out and unsheathed his swords]'' Don't even think about it. : ''[Caesar is about to attack but Rex stops him]'' : '''Rex:''' It's okay. Six isn't going to hurt you. Right, Six? You're comming in a little late on this, but, uh, this is Caesar, my brother, and he wants to get me out of here. So, let's just let my brother have his way and see where this all goes. Wherever you plan on going, they're going to follow us. You know that, right? : '''Caesar:''' They can try. : '''Rex:''' I don't know. Providence ship are pretty fast. : '''Six:''' Track Rex's bio signature and find out who that guy really is. : '''Rex:''' You ain't kidding. This thing moves fast. A-are we in the arctic? : '''Caesar:''' How do you think I got to your location so quickly once the locator signaled me? : '''Rex:''' Locator? You sent me the schematics to build that thing? It tried to crush me like a bug! : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, mijo. I wasn't really trying to hurt. ''[scans Rex's body]'' I was looking for what's hiding inside of you. ''[showing Rex the result]'' The Omega One Nanite. : '''Rex:''' That thing? Holiday discovered it before. We had no idea what it was. : '''Caesar:''' I sent signal instructions for the Omega One to track and contain. But since the nanite has integrated into your DNA, you became the conduit for building the machine. What I don't get is how the Omega One got inside of you. Rylander was supposed to have that under lock and key. : '''Rex:''' Rylander? He's the one who put it inside me. : '''Caesar:''' Why would he do a thing like that? I'm really gonna have to let old fool have it when I see him. : '''Rex:''' Not possible-- Courtesy of Van Kleiss. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss?! What does that third-rate lab hack have to do with this? : '''Rex:''' What? I guess I’m not the only one who needs an update. Where have you been? : '''Caesar:''' It's a long story-- actually, short by my clock. A splinter group had formed at the lab. They had other ideas about how the nanites would be used. We tried to stop them, and you were hurt. The only way to save your life was an infusion of nanites. It was risky, but it worked. We thought that'd be enough to stop the others, make them see the right path. But we were wrong. Mom and Dad were in the reactor. As for me, I managed to escape in my lab. But the shock wave, the same shock wave that probably blanked your memory.... also interfered with engine that powers this pod. I was stuck in sub-light drive. : '''Rex:''' How long? : '''Caesar:''' Fifteen minutes. That's how long it took me to reboot the system. But at the speed I was going, it was 5 years of your time. I knew there was an accident, but I had no idea how bad. My nanite sensors were off the charts. My 1st priority was to insure the OM-1 was safe. That was our promise. And here we are. So, what have I missed these past five years? : '''Rex:''' Providence? We need to talk. They can wait. : '''Caesar:''' So let me understand, there are EVOs and Van Kleiss claimed as their leader? : '''Rex:''' Well, not for all of them, yet. I want to know about me, about our parents. : '''Caesar:''' They were scientists. We lived all over the world. Things settled down when you came along. That was in Geneva. : '''Rex:''' Wait a second. Are you saying I'm Swiss? : ''Caesar:'' Not really. Mother was born in Mexico City. Father in Buenos Aires. : '''Rex:''' And they're really... gone? ''[Caesar slowly nods sadly]'' : '''Rex:''' Um, where exactly did this ship take us? : '''Caesar:''' What do you know?We're back at the original lab site. : '''Rex:''' You mean the one in Abysus? : '''Caesar:''' Is that a problem? : '''Rex:''' I'd say just a small one. We should go, like now. : '''Caesar:''' ''[typing]'' Hmm... Must be low on charge. ''[walks out the door]'' We may be stuck, but on the bright side, I can take a look at some of these variegated organisms. ''[goes out]'' : '''Rex:''' Caesar! Wait! : ''[outside and observing the EVOs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating. We theorized mutations might occur but never anything this random. : ''[Rex hits the EVO before they got near Caesar]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Sorry, bro, but these guys-- : ''[Rex hits another EVO]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Usually don't sit still for questions. : '''Caesar:''' ''[seeing Rex's new build]'' Hmm... That's new. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Guess I've learned a-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' A few tricks. But they still won't be enough if Van Kleiss shows up with all his goons. Six! : '''Six:'''We're locked onto you. The keep is already on its way. : '''Rex:''' Your ship may be out of juice, but I'm not. Hop on. I can get us out of here. : '''Caesar:''' I won't leave my lab, and you definitely don't want Van Kleiss getting his hands on some of the things in here. I'll try to reroute the capacitors to an alternate power source. : '''Caesar:''' Oh, you wanna see a photo of you, me, and papi? Maybe later. : '''Rex:''' You're a little off, aren't you, Caesar? : '''Biowulf:''' What was that machine it flew off with? : '''Van Kleiss:''' A laboratory. One I thought I'd never see again. It seems an old friend has returned-Caesar. : '''Rex:''' Providence isn't so bad now, eh, hermano? : '''Caesar:''' Is this a Grinnell? They always made good consoles, except for the random power surges. : '''Six:''' Well? : '''Rex:''' Everything's cool. He's a little kooky, but I'm pretty sure he's my brother. : '''Six:''' Glad to hear it. Now I need you back. We still have some unfinished business. : '''Rex:''' Got to get back to work. : '''Caesar:''' My little brother, the hero. I remember when you just wanted to be a musician. : '''Rex:''' Guitar? No, wait drums. : '''Caesar:''' Accordion. : '''Rex:''' You got to be kidding me! : '''Six:''' As I recall, you started it. : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Six:''' The EVO is dividing faster than we can contain it. The city is being evacuated. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Excuse me, admiral. I need you to take me down there immediately. Afraid I'll have to insist. : '''Six:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Are you crazy?! : '''Caesar:''' Depends on who you ask. I had something in my lab that I thought could help. : '''Six:''' Help? You're not even supposed to be outside the keep. : '''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Way to go, bro! First day on the job, and you already got a save! : '''Six:''' Job? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on, admit it, Six. He just saved our chicharrones. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? What's so funny? : '''Caesar:''' You always make me laugh when you try to speak Spanish. : '''Holiday:''' We've pulled his records, and I've confirmes his DNA. It seems Rex really does have a brother. : '''White Knight:''' If everything I've read about him is true, he could be an incredible asset to Providence. : '''Six:''' Or a major liability. : '''White Knight:''' All the more reason to keep him with us. Give him whatever he needs. : '''Holiday:''' White's right, Six. He knows more about nanites than anyone on the planet. He helped invent them. : '''Six:''' My point exactly. He's settling in? : '''Rex:''' I guess so. Caesar's a little strange. Hard to believe he's actually my brother. : '''Six:''' I'm happy for you, Rex. You always said you wanted to find your family. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but... You know that? I already did. Caesar may be my brother, but you, Holiday, Bobo, you're who I have a connection with. : '''Bobo:''' Aww, now, see, I'm getting all misty. : '''Caesar:''' There you are. Hmm. Nice view. Say, mijo, you think your cafeteria could whip up a pizza with pineapple and salmon? I've been craving one for days. : '''Bobo:''' Connection, huh? ===Outpost=== :'''Alvarez:''' Did you hear that? Aah! :'''Providence Agent:''' Alvarez! :'''Valentina:''' He will be fine in a few hours. :'''Providence Agent:''' Drop it. :'''Valentina:''' I was planning to. :''[Alvarez grunts]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' They are free. :'''Valentina:''' Muy bueno. Providence is now at war with the Green Fist! :'''Rex:''' Come on, doc. Are you serious? Another one? Ouch! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Oh, this is really necessary. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The rainforest is rife with diseases, poisonous insects, and worse. I don't want you coming down with anything. :'''White Knight:''' Is he ready to go? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' As ready as he'll ever be. :'''Rex:''' He's wondering how come Six doesn't have to get a shot if he's also going? :'''White Knight:''' Six is still in New Zealand, dealing with a... Small problem. :'''Rex:''' Oh sure. Let him deal with the small stuff. While I do all the hard work. :'''White Knight:''' ''[to Rex]'' We don't have time to wait for him. You're going solo. :'''Bobo:''' Hey! Where he goes, I go. :'''White Knight:''' Like I said-- Solo. Now, this Green Fist group have been stealing EVOs all over South America. We believe they will hit Corazon de Selva next. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The Providence station there has just captured a large batch of EVOs in the jungle. :'''Rex:''' Bobo and I are ready to roll. :'''White Knight:''' Be careful. For all we know, the Green Fist could be selling EVOs to Van Kleiss. :'''Bobo:''' I'm ready for carnival! Let's party! :''[White Knight clears throat]'' :'''White Knight:''' The situation down there is... complex. I need both of you to handle the mission quietly and with diplomacy. :'''Rex:''' I can be diplomatic. Oh, by the way, you might want to think about switching to low-fat, White. Starting to look at little... Jowly. :'''Bobo:''' Better leave the diplomacy to the small one. :'''Rex:''' This is the town? :'''Bobo:''' Something tells me they're not in the mood to party. Maybe a knock-knock joke would lighten things up? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You must be Rex. :'''Rex:''' You're Agent Martrello? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You may call me "Oso", my friend. :'''Rex:''' White Knight said to send his regards. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Maybe he could come visit sometime, get some sun, see what it's like on the front lines nowadays? ''[laughing. Then to Bobo]'' This must be the monkey. He does tricks? Hello, señor Bobo. :'''Bobo:''' ''[puts his palm to Oso's mouth]'' That's "Agent Haha" to you, buddy. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Come. The station is not fair. :'''Bobo:''' Doesn't anybody mow the grass around here? :''[Oso Maretelo chuckles]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Often. But the jungle can only be kept at bay, not subdued. :''[Oso Maretelo grunting]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' There we go. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Apologies. The air-conditioning is down again. :'''Bobo:''' Makes our place look like the penthouse suite. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' But who needs air-conditioning? We're here to work! The kennel is this way. Most of these EVOs we brought in last week from deep in the jungle. A tempting target for the Green Fist. :'''Rex:''' Whoa. It's packed in here! What are you gonna do with all of them? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' The big ones are shipped to larger facilities, like yours. These smaller ones stay here. They're really quite harmless, but the world wants EVOs captured, so we keep them. Oh, careful! This EVO is not like the rest. Took down six of my agents before we caught it. :'''Rex:''' Is it really tiny or something? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' That's strange. He was here this morning, he can't have escaped. Aah! :'''Bobo:''' Peekaboo. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Aah! :'''Bobo:''' Yah! :'''Rex:''' You all right there, buddy? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' I think you've both earned that cold drink you wanted. :'''Rex:''' See? This gig isn't so bad. Cold drinks, fringe benefits. :'''Bobo:''' It's on the fringe, all right, but I don't see the benefit. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Drink, Agent Haha. Horchata, the rice milk, is good for you. Besides... It's all they serve here. :'''Rex:''' I think it's pretty good, but how come we can't get any service? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' We're Providence. All they know is when there's trouble, Providence is there. Our relationship with them is, uh, complex. :'''Rex:''' Complex? We protect them from EVOs. You know, this calls for a little diplomacy. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. :'''Waitress:''' ¿Sí? :'''Rex:''' Uh... Uh... :''[Waitress chuckles]'' :'''Waitress:''' You don't look like the usual Providence soldiers. :'''Rex:''' That's 'cause I'm not. Name's Rex. Maybe you've seen me on the news? :'''Waitress:''' No. :'''Rex:''' Uh, what's that? :'''Waitress:''' The horchata anejo. It's aged. Muy sabrosa. :'''Rex:''' I'll take a pitcher of that. :'''Waitress:''' We only make one pitcher a night. They have it. :'''Rex:''' Hey, mind if I try some? :'''Valentina:''' It's too strong for you, gringo. :'''Rex:''' Gringo? So Mexicano! :'''Valentina:''' Y tambien eres Providencia. Okay. Let's see if you can handle it. :'''Rex:''' Gracias. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex gulps]'' :'''Rex:''' Ugh! That's good! Smooth! :''[Rex gagging]'' :''[Oso Maratelo laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[after taking a drink]'' I don't get what makes it so special. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' It's made from rice that's passed through the digestive system of a monkey. :''[Rex spits his drink]'' :''[Valentina growls]'' :''[Biruta grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :''[Woman gasps]'' :''[Woman grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Woman:''' Aah! :'''Old Man:''' Aah! :'''Man:''' Aah! :'''Biruta:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' I can't use my EVO powers against them! I don't want to hurt these people! :'''Bobo:''' I wish they felt the same about us! :'''Rex:''' Oso, you know how to use one of those? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' The lariat? Oh, yes. I grew up roping steer on my Uncle's Rancho. :'''Bobo:''' Rex! :'''Biruta:''' El es un EVO! :''[Valentina sighs]'' :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what do you think of that? Aah! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Waitress:''' ''[tossing Rex, Bobo and Martello out the bar]'' You are like the other Providence agents-- Bad for business! :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' This is where diplomacy gets you, my young friend. Now, are you up for a stakeout? :'''Bobo:''' Not me! I'm out of with this town and these ungrateful people. I'm going home. :'''Rex:''' But, Bobo, we need you for a special undercover mission? :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Please, Agent Haha. You are the key to the entire operation. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah? Well, you could have said that before. :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :''[Bobo grunting]'' :'''Biruta:''' Quiet! I'm trying to free you from Providence! :'''Bobo:''' I am Providence, dummy. :''[Biruta grunts]'' :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' These toys of yours-- They're for children! :''[Biruta grunts]'' :''[Valentina grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Who're you working for? :''[Valentina grunts]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' You?! Horchata girl?! What do you think you're doing?! :'''Valentina:''' I'm feeding all your prisoners, creep! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Aah! :''[Bobo groans]'' :'''Bobo:''' Whoa! :'''Rex:''' Scratch marks? Weird. What the heck did this? :''[Valentina screams]'' :'''Valentina:''' Huh? Aah! :'''Rex:''' Take a number! I have business with the señorita first. Aah! :''[Valentina grunting]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Aah! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Bobo:''' Hyah! :'''Valentina:''' Aah! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, and stay down! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Rex, you okay? :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I feel... fine. I hope Holiday gave me a shop or whatever that was. :'''Valentina:''' For the last time, we don't work for Van Kleiss! The Green Fist fights for the EVOs who cannot fight for themselves. We set them free-- Nothing more. :''[Bobo snorts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Just what we need-- Humans for ethical treatment of EVOs. :'''Valentina:''' Ugh! We were returning them to their natural habitat! What Providence does is wrong and against the natural order of things! ''[to Rex]'' You're a traitor to your own kind! :'''Rex:''' That thing you set free-- It's natural order is to exterminate mankind! It wanted to kill you! Your men are dying because of it. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I wish I had better news. :'''Rex:''' Thanks anyway, doc. We'll call with updates. :'''Bobo:''' What did she say? :'''Rex:''' The nanites in my system are fighting off the toxin, but that's only slowing it down. We need to make an anti-toxin, or-- or... :'''Valentina:''' Or se va a morir! :'''Bobo:''' In English! In English! :'''Rex:''' It's doing to me what it's done to Valentina's men. If we don't get the anti-toxin soon, they'll die, and, eventually, I will, too. :'''Bobo:''' Think I liked it better in Spanish. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' If I can get a blood sample of that EVO with this, it'll beam its DNA sequence back to Holiday and she'll be able to instantly synthesize an anti-toxin. :'''Rex:''' I want to go. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You're sick. :'''Bobo:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'm better equipped than any agent you have, and you know it. :''[Oso Maretelo sighs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Very well. You'll come with me and a team of my best men. :'''Valentina:''' You're killing him if you do that. Listen, you need me, Providence man. I know that jungle better than anyone. Your big, noisy party will alert that EVO. You won't get within a mile of it. My men are dying, too. Let me free! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' You think I'm going to let you just walk out of here alone? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm going, too. :''[Bobo grunting]'' :'''Bobo:''' Aah! :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Anything yet? :'''Rex:''' Nothing. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Rex, once you get the sample of the EVO's blood for the anti-toxin, I'll pick you up in the jump jet. White Knight wants you sticking to his orders, nothing more-- Capture the EVO and bring back the prisoner. :'''Rex:''' Gotcha. :'''Valentina:''' Orders? Prisoners? You wonder why we're suspicious of Providence. :'''Rex:''' We're protecting people. What we're doing is good. I believe that. :'''Valentina:''' You think I don't believe in what I do? Who decides who's right-- Your White Knight? :''[Bobo snoring]'' :'''Rex:''' All we found out here are goats from the village-- At least what's left of them. :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Valentina:''' You all right? :'''Rex:''' I'm fine. Let's just hope this trap works. :''[Bobo snoring]'' :'''Bobo:''' ''[to the creature]'' Hey, pal, didn't anybody tell you the trap's over there? Aah! :'''Valentina:''' We've caught him! :'''Bobo:''' No! You caught me! Big difference! :'''Rex:''' Aaah! That's it. No more running. Hyah! Ahh! Okay, time for more running! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Adiós! Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' The toxins are breaking down my nanites! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Valentina:''' Over here! Come and get me! :'''Rex:''' Don't! It'll kill you! :'''Valentina:''' You're too ill to fight it! :'''Rex:''' Look, put down the flower basket and trust me. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' On my signal. Come on. Don't you want a nice Rex burger for breakfast? Not yet. Not yet. Now! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Valentina:''' You caught it. You've saved my men. :'''Rex:''' We caught it... Together. First my cure... Now his. I don't believe it. This thing... It isn't an EVO. :'''Valentina:''' The fangs, the toxin... The goat! Of course! How could I have been so blind? This animal is a chupacabra! :'''Rex:''' Chupacabra? Isn't that a myth, like bigfoot or the Loch Ness monster? :'''Valentina:''' I thought it was only a legend, too. :'''Rex:''' Providence must have come blundering onto its home turf and captured it. :'''Valentina:''' So... What will you do? :'''Rex:''' Only one option, as far as I see it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Go on. Get! Get! :'''Valentina:''' There are things in this jungle stranger than EVOs and older than man. :'''Rex:''' Well, as long as they stay here, we won't have anymore problems. Doc, did the sample beam through okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm synthesizing the anti-toxin right now. It'll be at the base by the time Oso picks you up. :'''Rex:''' He'll be here soon with the jump set. You better get going. :'''Valentina:''' Your orders were to bring me back. :'''Rex:''' I don't always follow orders. :'''Valentina:''' Thank you. This still doesn't make up for spitting the horchata in my face. :'''Bobo:''' Ooh, slick. If it was me, I would have kissed her. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' The anti-toxin will have you back to normal within the hour. Now, what happened with the woman? :'''Rex:''' She, uh, got away. :'''Oso Maretelo:''' I see. You're learning, my friend. It's complex. A woman like that-- It makes our problems with EVOs seem simple, no? :''[Oso Maretelo laughs]'' :'''Oso Maretelo:''' Safe journey, my friends. I hope to see you again. :'''Bobo:''' That makes one of us. :'''Waitress:''' Wait! For your trip! :'''Rex:''' Uh... Gracias. How'd I earn this? :'''Waitress:''' I heard what you did. The chupacabra-- It stole my abuela's goat. Providence is going to buy her a new one. Thank you. :''[Waitress smooches]'' :'''Bobo:''' Hey, if that's all it took to make you happy, we would have run off with the goat when we first came to town. Aah! Aw! Some thanks! ===Haunted=== ===Moonlighting=== ===Without a Paddle=== ===Written in Sand=== :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, I need an uptade. :'''Rex''': I'm right at the edge. Anything still alive in there is trying to get away from the sandstorm. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's not the storm they're running from. The nanites inside them are forcing the animals away. It's creating a kind of nanite-free zone. :'''Rex''': Ha! We should call White Knight. Maybe he'll move here and leave us all alone. :'''Dr. Holiday''': It's no laughing matter, Rex. It could be the most significant development since the original nanite event. :'''Rex''': Yeah, yeah. Possible cures save the world-- Got it. I'll check it out. :'''Bobo''': Hey, doc. You may wanna get a load of this over here. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Negative. The storm is moving in too fast. Just place a sensor and pack it in. :'''Rex''': Hey. No. It couldn't be. Rex to base. We got trouble of the egomaniacal EVO kind. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Van Kleiss is here? Why am I not surprised? :'''Rex''': I think the real question is, if everything else is in such a race to get out, why is he going on? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, wait. :'''Rex''': Don't worry, doc. It's me. What could possibly happen? :'''Skalamander''': RARGH! PTUH! They're nothing but dirt. :'''Biowulf''': My senses-- Useless in all this sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': This phenomenon deserves my personal attention. What we seek is nearby. I can feel it pushing against me. :'''Rex''': ''[Rex emerges from the sand storm]'' Yeah? :''[Skalamander grunts]'' :'''Rex''': ''[Rex kicks Skalamander]'' How about kicking against you, too? :'''Van Kleiss''': Rex! You're not welcome here. :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Now, that hurt my feelings! :''[Rex groaning]'' :''[Skalamander pins him to the sand, causing him to groan in pain]'' :''[Skalamander laughs]'' :'''Rex''': Aaah! Whoa! :'''Van Kleiss''': If I never see your face again, It will be too soon! :'''Rex''': Yeah? The feeling's-- Whoa! Mutual! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex? Rex, do you read me? :''[Bobo coughing]'' :'''Bobo''': Okay, we gotta get outta here. I got sand in places I didn't even know I had places. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, if you can hear me, we're retreating to the safe zone. Rendezvous with us there. :'''Rex''': AAAAH! WHOA-OHHHHHHH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex coughs]'' :'''Rex''': Okay, Kleiss-- Go time! No EVO allies, just you and-- Whoa! Uh, sorry, buddy. Didn't mean to bring you along for the ride. :'''Van Kleiss''': I don't need my EVO allies, when I can simply make more. :'''Rex''': Don't get me wrong-- I love punching stuff. But anything you can do, I can undo better! We can do this all day. Or you can just spill it. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': Why are you causing this nanite-free zone? :'''Van Kleiss''': How convenient it must be to make me the root of all evil. I'm not causing it. I've come to discover the source and destroy it. :'''Rex''': This could be the cure to nanites. :'''Van Kleiss''': And I live off nanites. What Providence calls a cure, I call death. :'''Rex''': Really? Haven't we moved past this? :'''Van Kleiss''': Huh? :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :''[After Van Kleiss creates a scorpion EVO to attack Rex, it attacks him instead.]'' :'''Rex''': That is the funniest thing I have ever seen! Hang on-- I got to get this on video. ''[Takes out cell phone and starts recording Van Kleiss dodging the scorpion EVO.]'' :''[Van Kleiss panting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Something's wrong. I should be controlling this creature. :'''Rex''': Stinks to be you. Huh? You ruined my shot! :'''Van Kleiss''': I believe we've found something more interesting. :'''Rex''': You like to point out the obvious, don't you? :'''Bobo''': Don't get me wrong-- I love the kid, but if we don't pull stakes now, we'll be combing dust outta all sorts of places for years. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Too late. Hold on to everything that's not tied down. This is going to be a bumpy... ride. :'''Six''': Holiday? I trust you're all right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': I'm fine, Six. But Rex is still out there-- With Van Kleiss. I can't reach him. :'''Six''': We'll prep a rescue party. Prepare to come aboard. :'''Rex''': Hey! :'''Van Kleiss''': This is not simply a nanite-free zone. Something is stealing the nanites from our bodies. If we linger here too long, we may both find ourselves defenseless against the other. :'''Rex''': Well, then, we'd better blow this joint. And when I say "we" I mean "me". :''[Rex tries to escape and fails]'' :'''Rex''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': If either of us is to escape this place, we will have to work together. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': What exactly are you suggesting? :'''Van Kleiss''': A temporary truce. :'''Rex''': An extremely temporary truce. :'''Van Kleiss''': We'll work our way to the center of the nanite storm. :'''Rex''': No, we work our way out of the nanite storm and get Providence in here to figure out what's happening. :'''Van Kleiss''': Providence? They can't be trusted. :'''Rex''': Them? Didn't you try to take over New York? And Europe? And the world? :'''Van Kleiss''': You need to listen to me, Rex. Without a powers, you're nothing but a child. :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah? Truce over! Okay. This is awkward. Hey, is it just me, or are you getting really dust? :'''Van Kleiss''': It's happening faster than I thought. :'''Rex''': What's happening faster? If you know something, you'd better spit it out, or-- Whoa! It all looks fossilized. Like it's made completely out of... sand. :'''Van Kleiss''': Not only are there no nanites here, this is pure silicone. There are no other elements-- No carbon, calcium, hydrogen. It appears that this zone not only destroys nanites, but is-- :'''Rex''': Squeezing the life from the Earth. This isn't sand. This is me! :''[Rex whimpering]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': These glyphs-- There's something familiar about them. Sumatran? Mesopotamian? :'''Rex''': Less geeking, more escaping! :'''Van Kleiss''': We need to find the epicenter of this maze. These glyphs may hold the answer. :'''Rex''': Only if one says "exit sign." :'''Van Kleiss''': No need to panic, Rex. We have at least twenty minutes before fossilization-- Give or take. :'''Rex''': "Don't panic"-- Says the guy who used to be dirt. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Rex''': We're turning into walking litter boxes, and you're checking out caveman graffiti? No wonder I'm always kicking your butt. :'''Van Kleiss''': You don't have an investigative bone in your body, do you? So strongheaded-- Just like your mother. ''[Rex is silent]'' No, you don't like that, do you-- That I know more about you than you do? :'''Rex''': Skip the head games. Isn't exactly a good time. :'''Van Kleiss''': No, but perhaps it is time for some truth. We may perish down here, Rex. Ask me anything you want about the past, and I'll answer it. :'''Rex''': ''[looks at his own slowly fossilizing body]'' Sell it somewhere else. I'm not buying. :''[walks away]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, so the great and powerful Providence has finally come through on their promise to help you remember your past. :'''Rex''': Something better-- Someone who was actually there at the Nanite Event. :'''Van Kleiss''': Aha. Your brother, Caesar. :''[Van Kleiss chuckles evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': I've been following you both very closely since his... miraculous reappearance. Even if you don't want to hear what I have to say, this one's for free. Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': ''[creates his BFS and holds it at Van Kleiss' throat]'' What are you getting at? :'''Van Kleiss''': Oh, no, no. That's not how this works. It isn't my turn. Quid pro quo, Rex. If you want to know more-- Why don't we start with something simple? Rylander's Omega Nanite. I know it's inside you. :'''White Knight''': Status uptade? :'''Six''': Still no fix on Rex. Scanners can't cut through the storm, so we're moving in to stage a recon. :'''White Knight''': I will not risk everyone on board that ship for one agent. Not even that agent. :''[Holiday subtly ends the call. Then to Six]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Whoops. Guess the satellite feed went down. Nasty sand. :''[Six smirks]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Caesar? Wanted you to know we haven’t found him yet. :'''Caesar''': Found who? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. :'''Caesar''': Right. Ah. Sorry. That was, uh, fifteen minutes ago. I've done about five hundred task since then. Try calibrating the keep's sensors to search for traces of Selenium. It's something Rex naturally gives off, like dandruff. :'''Dr. Holiday''': I-- Really? Hmm. Okay, thanks. :'''Van Kleiss''': So what you're saying is, the motor runs off of gravity and the only exhausts are atoms of selenium. :'''Rex''': Now you. Squid Pro... Whatever. The nanites, the Event. What started all this? :'''Van Kleiss''': He didn't tell you? I'm not surprised. It was Caesar. :''[Rex pushes Van Kleiss to nearest wall and take out his BFS once again]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Wasteful, Rex. :'''Rex''': You're lying! :'''Van Kleiss''': Hardly. Your brother is responsible for the most significant catastrophe in human history. You have to admit that as brilliant as Caesar is, he's... not quite right. Am I telling you something that you haven't already noticed? :''[Rex groans]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': HAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Van Kleiss coughing]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': You seem to have awoken some sort of defense mechanism. :'''Rex''': What are they defending? Rocks? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Before we're totally devoid of nanites, we need to end this now-- Together. :'''Rex''': Back to back! :'''Van Kleiss''': What? :'''Rex''': Haven't you ever read a comic book? Back to back! No way. These markings-- They're not hieroglyphics. They're circuit boards. This whole cave, this valley-- It's one giant circuit board. These are data conduits-- Ms. Hubs! :'''Van Kleiss''': You're right. These spirals are solid-state storage-- The standard design for a firewall in a CPU. :'''Rex''': Did you just say I'm right? Now that I know what we're dealing with, it's a simple matter of-- Hacking in. This is malo-- Muy malo. Van Kleiss, meet the psycho computer who calls herself-- :'''Van Kleiss''': Zag-RS? :'''Rex''': How do you know that? ''[Zag-RS notices them and attacks them]'' You know Zag-RS? How? :'''Van Kleiss''': She was designed as a decontamination program at the original nanite laboratory. Her task was to destroy any rogue nanites that escaped from the holding tanks. :'''Rex''': She did a great job. Whoever designed her should be taken out and beaten with a tendril. :'''Van Kleiss''': Caesar designed her. :'''Rex''': I'm gonna have to have a chat with my brother when this is over. :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Van Kleiss''': Focus, you fool. If we're to survive this, we have to use whatever nanites we have left to shut her down. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': No problemo! Ah, come on! Stay up! Show off! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Well, this bites. :''[Rex straining]'' :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex''': Didn't I leave you in orbit? Shouldn't you have burned up in re-entry or something? :'''Zag-RS''': Re-entry resulted in a hard desert landing. This unit faced complete system failure. Salvation came from integration with the host space station power cell, where new initiatives were established. :'''Rex''': Turning the world into a sandbox? :'''Zag-RS''': Correct. The prevention of organic infection by elimination of organic matter and securing the Earth core system. Soon, this world will function without flaw. :'''Rex''': Van Kleiss! Change of plan! While, I've got Zaggy occupied, you go and warn Providence before it's too late! :'''Van Kleiss''': There's no time. Her strength is growing exponentially. To achieve victory, you must trust me. :'''Rex''': Trust you?! That's comedy gold! Even if I was that big of a doof, neither one of us had enough power to fight back! :'''Van Kleiss''': That's not entirely true. :'''Rex''': Huh? :'''Van Kleiss''': I've not been completely honest with you. :'''Rex''': Stunned-- Really. :'''Van Kleiss''': The Omega Nanite within you has a self-replicating program. You can create your own nanites. :'''Rex''': What?! Why didn't you tell me! :'''Van Kleiss''': A calculated emission. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': No way. :'''Van Kleiss''': There-- That is the heart of Zag-RS. Strike while you can! :'''Rex''': Oh, yeah! Now we're talking! Normally, I don't fight girls, but this time I'll make... A big... giant... robot exception! :'''Dr. Holiday''': I found him, Six-- twenty kilometers northeast. There's a huge spike in trace selenium. :'''Six''': Charge all weapons. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The storm's starting to break. But please don't crash. :'''Rex''': YAAAH! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex''': That's not fair! It worked in the movie! :''[Rex whimpers]'' :''[Rex groaning]'' :'''Rex''': AAAH! :'''Zag-RS''': You have miscalculated, human. The more nanites you replicate, the more energy you supply me. 7.5 seconds until I overtake your production. :''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' :'''Zag-RS''': 4.3 seconds. :'''Van Kleiss''': AAAAAAAAAH! :'''Rex''': YAAAAAAH! One psycho robot down, one supervillain to chicken! Finally! :'''Bobo''': What, you never heard the term "fashionably late"? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Your nanite-replicating function seems to be working well. Most of Zag-RS' alterations have been expunged. :'''Rex''': Meaning... What? :'''Bobo''': You ain't gonna wash away at high tide. :'''Caesar''': This is my design. :'''Rex''': Great-- My brother created Zag-RS. :'''Caesar''': Evidently. Though her evolution into some sort of sentient nanite-slayer is most curious. :'''Six''': Curious? :'''Rex''': What about what Van Kleiss said? :'''Caesar''': You mean I'm to blame for the original nanite event? Why don't we ask her? Wait! Interface protocols. Code designate Zag-RS. Respond. :'''Zag-RS''': Dr. Salazar. Good morning. How may I assist you? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Stand down, gentlemen. Zag-RS has been successfully rebooted. But her memory has been wiped clean. :'''Rex''': What? You got to be kidding me! :'''Caesar''': That's interesting. Hmm. Van Kleiss must have implemented a program dump before he left you. It's the only logical conclusion. :'''Rex''': Program dump? :'''Van Kleiss''': Do not place your trust in Caesar. He's not the man you believe him to be. :'''Rex''': Great. So now all we've got is a lame decontamination program with a GPS lady's voice? :'''Caesar''': GPS lady? Hardly. :'''Rex:''' I was making a joke. :'''Caesar''': Don't you recognize it? When I programmed her, I wanted a voice that meant safety, protection, caring. Rex, this is our mother's voice. :'''Rex''': ''[shocked]'' Mama? ===Night Falls=== : ''[Caesar's Pod Laboratory arrives at the town of Mexico City]'' : '''Rex:''' Are we there yet? ''[moving his legs and hugs his legs]'' All this futuristic technology and you never thought of adding a bathroom. ''[points at the monitor]'' City Hall! It must have a bathroom! Pull over-- Now! ''[Esteban writing some paperwork as the ground starts to rumble, He immediately ran outside looking at Caesar's research pod landing. The door opens and Rex finally made on solid ground.]'' Baño? : ''[Esteban awkwardly points the bathroom]'' : ''[Rex runs]'' : ''[The elevator in Research pod went up and then down with Caesar]'' : '''Esteban:''' Caesar. ¿Eres tú? : '''Caesar:''' ''[suspecting face]'' Esteban? : '''Esteban:''' It's Mayor Esteban now. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Caesar:''' Mayor? When you ran for class president, Maria Rodriguez got all the votes. : '''Esteban:''' She was smarter and much better-looking. And I see you're still building your crazy contraptions. What brings you back to town? : '''Caesar:''' To visit Abuela. It's a surprise. : '''Esteban:''' You don't want to go there. It's not the same as you remember. : ''[Rex righs]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[runs to the research pod]'' Okay, bro, let's go! ''[Rex went up to the lab]'' : ''[Esteban chuckling]'' : '''Esteban:''' ''[looking at Rex]'' Is that little Cabeza de Trapo? : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Caesar:''' I haven't thought of that for years. ''[Caesar went up to the lab]'' : '''Rex:''' What? : '''Caesar:''' No es nada, mijo. We'd better get going. : '''Esteban:''' At least stay in town tonight. You can head up to abuela's in the morning. : '''Caesar:''' It's been over five years, Esteban. We're not waiting another minute. : ''[Door closes and Research pods departs]'' : '''Rex:''' If she's not really our grandmother, why are you calling her "abuela"? : '''Caesar:''' There may not be a biological connection, but she practically raised the entire town. When you were a boy, you spent every summer here. : ''[Rex stops and feels incomplete]'' : '''Rex:''' I wish I could remember her. Or any of this. : '''Caesar:''' I'm sure she'll be excited to see you. Just prepare yourself for a lot of sloppy grandma kisses. : ''[Caesar pats Rex's hair and keeps on moving]'' : ''[Rex knocks at the door, The door opens by Abuela]'' Abuela, it's me-- Caesar. : ''[The Salazar brothers show themselves while Caesar holds a Bouquet of flowers]'' : '''Abuela:''' Caesar! And is that my Cabeza de Trapo? : '''Rex:''' Why is everyone calling me that? : '''Abuela:''' What are you doing here? : '''Caesar:''' We've come to visit. May we come in? : '''Abuela:''' ''[Looks at the sky for a brief moment]'' No! ''[slams the door]'' : '''Rex:''' Maybe we should have called first. : ''[The Salazar brothers spend the night in the Research pod with Caesar sleeping at the floor and Rex sleeping on the table. Unintentionally the computer sets thte alarm causing Rex to wake up a bit.]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Ten more minutes, Six. [''covers his ears with his pillow]'' : ''[Caesar opens the door and looks down, Seeing Abuela holding breakfast]'' : '''Abuela:''' Who wants breakfast? : ''[Rex immediately wakes up]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yo! : ''[Rex drops off the table]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Ouch! : ''[After a few minutes, Rex picks up his breakfast]'' : '''Caesar:''' Abuela always was the best cook. : '''Abuela:''' I have missed my niños. ''[Puts her hand on Rex's shoulder]'' Rex, I have been following your work with Providence, and I always knew you would be a big important scientist. : '''Rex:''' So, why did you slam the door on us last night? : '''Abuela:''' Oh, that. You just caught me off guard. We weren't expecting visitors. : '''Rex:''' I thought you always-- : '''Caesar:''' Enough with the questions, little brother. : '''Abuela:''' Let me look at you. : ''[Abuela grabs Rex's face]' : '''Rex:''' Mmph! : '''Abuela:''' I can't believe how you have grown. Come, see-- The rest of the family. : '''Rex:''' Does everyone in town live here? : ''[Caesar chuckles]'' : '''Caesar:''' I remember evenings here, laughing, telling stories. And the food! Rex, if you thought breakfast was good, wait and see what abuela makes for dinner. : '''Abuela:''' It is an old building. There are always repairs. : '''Federico:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' Huh? : ''[Rex chuckles nervously]'' : '''Rex:''' Uh... What's up? : '''Federico:''' It's me-- Federico. Have you forgotten the secret shake? : '''Abuela:''' You and Federico were best friends when you were little. : '''Caesar:''' Cabezas de trapo! : '''Rex:''' Why do you keep calling me that? : '''Caesar:''' You used to put underpants on your heads and act out Lucha Libre movies. : '''Rex:''' Glad I don't remember that. : '''Federico:''' Lucky you. : '''Esteban:''' Abuela, I must speak to you. : '''Abuela:''' Someone has forgotten his manners. : '''Esteban:''' You can't just keep avoiding me. My phone has been ringing off the hook. The village is concerned about the recent activity. : '''Abuela:''' Well, it shouldn't be. What goes on here is our own business. : '''Esteban:''' Not when it leaves these walls. The situation is getting worse. : '''Abuela:''' We've made the necessary corrections. It won't happen again. : '''Esteban:''' You got one last chance to get out of town. Or I will evict you myself. : '''Abuela:''' An old squabble. You don't need to worry. : '''Caesar:''' What aren't you telling us, abuela? : '''Abuela:''' Time to start making dinner. : '''Rex:''' Dinner? We just had breakfast. : ''[Caesar chuckles]'' : '''Caesar:''' Trust me. ''[Stands up with his glass]'' To family! : '''Rex:''' Is it like this every night? : '''Federico:''' Pretty much. : ''[Rex chuckling]'' : ''[The kid kicks the ball high, Frederico stands up and catch the ball and dribbled. Rex was impress.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey. You're pretty good. Everything about going pro? : ''[Frederico drops the ball, awkward silence]'' : '''Federico:''' Not anymore. : ''[Rex picks up the ball, kicks it. The ball lands on the table splashing the food all around, everyones laughting. The bell rings and everyone starts going away.]'' : '''Rex:''' Okay, maybe not my best move, but it wasn't that bad. : '''Abuela:''' Come, children! : ''[Caesar and Rex follows Abuela to their room]'' You'll sleep here. : ''[Rex notices Frederico]'' : '''Federico:''' See you in the morning. : ''[Frederico darkly walks into he's room. Rex enters in his. In the room Caesar's unpacking, Rex looks around. Suddently Abuela locks the door.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[to Caesar]'' Did she just lock us in? :''[Rex tries to open the door, fails]'' She just locked us in! : '''Caesar:''' We need to respect our elders. I'm sure she had her reasons. ''[Rex walks to window, Caesar's trying the new bed.]'' Ooh! Bed's pretty comfy. Good night! : '''Rex:''' But-- but... It's only 6:30! : ''[Night, suddently a roar is heard. Rex and Caesar wakes up.]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Sure, that's not weird, either! : ''[Mayor's office, the phone start's ringing.Esteban picks up.]'' : '''Esteban:''' Bueno. I'm glad you cloud return my call. I understand you can help me with my EVO problem. : ''[Salazar's room. Rex and Ceasar already dressed.]'' : '''Rex:''' Frederico? That's his room behind here! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : ''[Caesar pull's the door, they are still locked.]'' : '''Caesar:''' ''[to Rex]'' Can you break it down? : '''Rex:''' How about respecting our elders? : '''Caesar:''' Technically, I am your elder. Brake it down! : '''Rex:''' I'll do one better! Hunh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Forms Smack hands and punches trought the wall, making a hole that reveals Frederico's room.]'' : '''Rex:''' This place is just full of surprises. Okay, fur face, if you ate my friend-- : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Wait! : '''Abuela:''' There has been a breach! Where is Rex? : '''Caesar:''' I suspect halfway down the hill by now. Abuela-- : '''Abuela:''' I know. : '''Rex:''' Whoa-- Unh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' AAAAH! Whoa! Unh! UAAAAGH! This is for Federico! : '''Abuela:''' Rex! No! That is Federico! : '''Federico:''' Are those your hands? Genial. I got out again, didn't I? : '''Rex:''' So, you're like a were-EVO? : '''Caesar:''' Lux Lucius Mutatio. Interesting. : '''Abuela:''' Come-- We've got to get back to the house. : '''Esteban:''' I told you this would happen! You can't control them anymore! : '''Rex:''' It wasn't her. It was me. I let them out. I didn't know. : '''Esteban:''' All these EVOs! : '''Abuela:''' They're just boys. : '''Esteban:''' Look at the destruction your boys caused! The people are tired of living in fear! You'll be leaving today! : '''Rex:''' I'm sorry, abuela. I had no idea. And now you have to leave because of me. : '''Abuela:''' I'm not going anywhere! : '''Federico:''' We turn at sundown and then back at sunrise. It only happens to some of us. : '''Caesar:''' I took samples from all of the affected family members. Everyone shares the same genetic code-- something similar to hypotrichosis. : '''Rex:''' Hyper, huh? : '''Caesar:''' Werewolf syndrome. The nanites triggered the dormant gene. : '''Federico:''' Can you cure it? : '''Rex:''' I can try. Strange. I don't feel anything. Do you? : '''Federico:''' Thanks anyway. : '''Caesar:''' I'm seeing no active nanite tracers whatsoever. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe it's because he's not an EVO form. : '''Federico:''' I just want a normal life again. I don't want to have to leave my home. : '''Caesar:''' Maybe there's a way you can have both. : '''Rex:''' Sorry about the wall. Why didn't you tell us? : '''Abuela:''' Because I didn't want Providence to know. : '''Rex:''' But Providence can help. : '''Abuela:''' By taking those afflicted away? No. Every night when the bell pulls, those that have the change are locked away safely. For years it has been this way and no one has been hurt. : '''Rex:''' But-- You're prisoners in your own home. : '''Abuela:''' You may see it that way, niño. But at least we are a family. : '''Federico:''' You know-- Even though we got busted today, it was kind of fun to get out. : '''Rex:''' Don't you ever feel cooped up in here? : '''Federico:''' There is one thing I missed. Go-o-o-o-al! : '''Rex:''' Why did you stop playing if you love it so much? : '''Federico:''' One day during practice, I stayed late so some scouts could see me play. Sun went down, and, well... They made me quit the league after that. Still haven't replaced the go box. : ''[Federico chuckles]'' : '''Federico:''' Is that Providence? : '''Rex:''' I don't know who it is. : '''Federico:''' We should probably get back. It's almost evening bell. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Rex. : '''Federico:''' That guy just shot my ball! : '''Rex:''' Oh, this is just perfect. Hunter Cane he has a thing for hunting down EVOs I already put him away once. : '''Federico:''' So, what's he doing here? : '''Rex:''' Guessing your mayor called him. : '''Federico:''' No, I mean did, he break out or something? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. Don't care. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Why am I not surprised? This one of them? : '''Rex:''' Bringing this guy here was a bad move. : '''Hunter Cain:''' For them? And I get to settle an old score while I'm at it. Lucky me. : '''Rex:''' No-- Lucky me! : '''Federico:''' Rex, we've gotta go. : '''Rex:''' You don't have to worry. This guy has nothing to sweat. : '''Federico:''' Now! : '''Hunter Cain:''' Well, what do we have here? : ''[Hunter Cain grunts]'' : '''Hunter Cain:''' Esteban, my friend, I may not even charge you for this one. : '''Rex:''' The mayor wasn't kidding. He sent an EVO hunter who likes to shoot first and skip the questions. We'll need every man, woman, and werewolf. : '''Esteban:''' You were warned, abuela. You can live peacefully or we will bring you out. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I didn't come here for conversation. : '''Esteban:''' But you said it would just be a show of force. We run them out of town. No one gets hurt. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I don't negotiate with EVOs or their families. If you don't like what you're about to see, you can head on down the hill. : '''Rex:''' Why don't you join them, hunter? : '''Hunter Cain:''' I never back down from a fight. : '''Rex:''' Neither do I. You bring your magic EVO bullets, or is this going to be a real fight? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Lucky for you, these are the old-fashioned kind. But they hurt just as bad. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, that is kind of annoying. : '''Caesar:''' Just hours ago, there wasn't any nanite activity. But now, it's like night and day. : ''[Caesar laughs]'' : '''Caesar:''' That was my little pun. It seems the samples are reacting differently in the absence of sunlight. If I can only work out the photoreactive elements-- : '''Rex:''' I don't even think a cure will stop Hunter Cain. He'll never listen to reason. : '''Caesar:''' I still gotta try. I think I can affect the change in the nanite programming during your nocturnal cycle. If I'm gonna cure this, I have to do it before sunrise. : '''Rex:''' Not a Hunter gets to them first. I can keep doing this till you run out of ammo. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Fire on target! : '''Rex:''' AAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Note to self-- Don't give him any ideas. You have to let them out! : '''Abuela:''' I made a promise to keep them safe from harm! : '''Rex:''' Where they can't defend themselves? That's exactly what won't happen! : '''Hunter Cain:''' Grandma, step aside. : '''Abuela:''' I stand with my family. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Have it your way. I'll take all of you down. : '''Abuela:''' You obviously haven't met my family. : '''Rex:''' Can't believe we're not related. So, what was your big jail break? Nail pile and a cake? Exploding smoke bomb? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Cold, hard cash. Not everyone at Providence is an EVO-lover. : '''Caesar:''' Huh? Yes! Rex, we can reprogram the nanites to disregard the photoreactive coding of their DNA with a frequency-tuned pulse! That should allow you to cure them! : '''Rex:''' Sounds great, but I've sort of got my hands full. Unh! : '''Caesar:''' You mess with my brother, you mess with me. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Who are you? You an EVO? : '''Caesar:''' No. I'm a scientist. : '''Hunter Cain:''' AAAAH! : '''Caesar:''' Your turn. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa-ho! Wait! I thought you said you had to zap their nanites. : '''Caesar:''' In a manner of speaking. First, I zap you. Then, you have your nanites through do the rest. : '''Rex:''' AAAH! : '''Caesar:''' Too strong. I'll make an adjustment. : '''Rex:''' Adjustment? How about you wait for me to say "okay" next time? You're still here? : '''Hunter Cain:''' When I said I was out of the disintegrator ammo, I lied. One left, and it has your name on it. : '''Rex:''' Federico, I'm not sure if you can understand me, but it might be time for the return of Las Cabezas de Trapo. : '''Caesar:''' I think I've got the settings figured out. : '''Rex:''' You think? AAAH! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Caesar:''' That's more like it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Woozily]'' Okay. Let's give it a try. I'm not trying to hurt you. : '''Abuela:''' Federico, mi corazoncito. Let him try. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we have to wait for a sunrise. We- We made it worse. Now we stuck that way! : '''Federico:''' It isn't him-- It's me. I can control it now! : '''Hunter Cain:''' Doesn't change a thing to me. He's still an EVO. I'm gonna finish the job I came here to do. I'll wipe out the whole compound if I have to. : '''Abuela:''' There is no place for your kind of hatred here! : '''Hunter Cain:''' You think I'm afraid of you? : '''Rex:''' I think you should be. : ''[Hunter Cain spits]'' : '''Rex:''' Hunter knows how to hold a grudge. He'll come back. : '''Federico:''' And we'll be waiting. : '''Rex:''' So, this mean you're gonna try out for the pros? : '''Abuela:''' I think it's time we all go out and live our lives. : '''Rex:''' La familia! : '''Caesar:''' Cabezas de trapo! ===Hard Target=== : '''Rex:''' "It's Breach! She's-" : '''Circe:''' "Messing with you, Rex. Did you actually see on her the other side?" : '''Rex:''' "Well, no but...OK, why Hong Kong?" : '''Circe:''' "Because it's on the other side of the world, because she's seriously messed up." : '''Cricket:'''" Kind of like our place." : '''Circe:''' "Trust me. She's back in Abysus laughing it off with the rest of the Pack. Besides, I'm not that easy to find." : (''Removes the white towel to reveal her shoulder-length black hair partly dyed a deep plum and having donned a dark gray overall dress'') : '''Rex:''' "OK, Rex. Bad intro. Take a do-over. Like the new look." : '''Circe:''' "Wow. A compliment." <hr width80%> :'''Skywdd:''' "And that's when Circe goes all [[w:Siren (mythology)|siren]] and blasts the bus driver's pants clean off." :'''Circe:''' "Lucky shot. Hit the exact frequency of polyester." :'''Tuck:''' "Good thing his boxers were cotton." :'''Rex''' (''uncomfortable'')''':''' "Good one. Uh, Circe, remember when you took down that sea monster in Cabo Luna?" :'''Circe:''' "Please, Rex, I'd rather not remember that right now." :'''Skywdd:''' Geez, Rex. Buzzkill." <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Stop it." :'''Skywdd:''' "What's with him?" :'''Circe:''' "Breach lag. Let clean over his bedtime." :'''Rex:''' "That and my early morning snooze. By the way, you were right. Breach wasn't after you. She freed Quarry. Got this from the Providence security feed." :'''Skywdd:''' "Quarry?" :'''Tuck:''' "He's lose?" :'''Cricket:''' "Oh no." :'''Circe:''' "You saw Breach and came back ''here!'' What if she followed you!?" :'''Rex:''' "Don't worry. If Breach were here, I'd feel it. She's here." <hr width80%> : '''Breach:''' "Hey, girlfriend." : '''Circe:''' "Get out of here, Breach!" : '''Breach:''' "But Van Kleiss has so been wanting to chat." : '''Circe:''' "Then deliver a message for him! " : (''Uses her ultrasonic bursts on Breach, who creates a portal behind her, knocking her out with her own sonic abilities)'' : '''Rex:''' "Let her go, Breach!!" : '''Breach:''' "Oh, sorry, Rex. She's gonna save my skin. V.K.'s tough on failure, remember?" : (''Teleports away with an unconscious Circe on her shoulder'') : '''Rex:''' "NO!!" <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' "Hold that thought. You can come out now. I got that creeped out feeling." :'''Breach:''' "Peek a boo." : '''Skwydd:''' "It's her!'' She took Circe." : '''Rex:''' But not to Van Kleiss. You never went to Abysus, did you? You slipped her into your little pocket dimension. Let her go, Breach! : '''Breach:''' And I agree to that...why? : '''Rex:''' "Because you wouldn't want Van Kleiss to see this. I'm thinking a trade is in order." : (''Breach releases Circe, who is caught by Skwydd'') : '''Circe:''' "I hate you, Breach." ===A Family Holiday=== :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The pace of study has been staggeringly slow. There have been no significant advancements in nanite research since the original event. Simply put, Providence is not doing enough. What is required is not a military response, but a serious, thoughtful reaction, a scientific answer. The poor and afflicted deserve more. The world, deserves more. Let me introduce Diane. Mother of three. Diane has been diagnosed as incurable, a lost cause. Since then, she's been treated like an animal, locked away from her family... No hope on the horizon. Until now. At Moses Labs, we don't rely on tanks, guns, or secret weapons-- Only an unwavering belief that whatever science breaks, science can fix. Welcome back, Diane. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Happy birthday, little sister. :'''Rex:''' Hope that I paid the bills. This is going to be expensive. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Release the hounds. :''[a door opens revealing some Evo hounds]'' :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Heh! I thought that was just a figure of speech. You're a sick puppy. :'''Rex:''' Aah! Not cool, bro! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex:''' ''[Spanish accent]'' Agua, por favor. :'''Caesar:''' Water second, probes first. :'''Rex:''' No offense, but being a guinea pig is a lot less fun when it's you instead of Holiday. :'''Caesar:''' Don't I run the biometric tests with the same efficiency? :'''Rex:''' How are we related? Have you looked at Holiday? :'''Bobo Haha:''' She ain't my species and even I know she's a hottie. :'''Caesar:''' She is... very smart. :'''Rex:''' Where is the Doc anyway? She usually can't wait to get her hands on me. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Saw her this morning, looking pretty grim. :'''Agent Six:''' It's her sister. Her sister's birthday to be precise. Holiday gets introspective this time of year. :'''Caesar:''' Her sister? Oh, is she smart too? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hey guys. Can't talk. Hangar! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Ah, human dames. I don't know how you guys keep up. :''[Dr. Holiday pants]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Thank you for coming, Dr. Moses. It's a genuine honor. :'''Rex:''' Who the heck is that guy? Why is Holiday acting all fangirl around him? :'''Caesar:''' It's Dr. Brandon Moses, the leading researcher in technogenic transmorphing! If anyone's going to develop a kill for EVOs, it's going to be him! :'''Bobo Haha:''' Now, that's actin' fan-girl. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Not the worst I've seen. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you help her? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Beverly would be an excellent candidate for my treatments. Have her transported to my facility. :'''Rex:''' Hold up! I know you have a bunch of letters after your name, but curing EVOs is what I do. Some of them-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Some you just can't handle, Rex. Dr. Moses' research goes to places you don't, so if you don't mind-- 10 minutes, then we'll be in the air. Thank you, doctor. I've earned 5 years' worth of personal time, Knight. I plan to use it all. :'''White Knight:''' I don't like it, but I like your sister even less. Go for your "cure", Holiday. But if it doesn't work, don't bring her back. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Agent Six:''' What do you really know about Dr. Moses? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what I saw. :'''Agent Six:''' You're not taking her to the doctor for a checkup. Has he handed you supporting data? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Why won't you let me have this? It's the first glimmer of hope I've had since Rex got here. :'''Agent Six''': I think you've lost your objectivity. If you can't help her-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's the point! I can't! I need this cure. If you won't help me, stay out of my way! :'''Rex:''' Any chance she's right? :'''Agent Six:''' Hope she is. :'''Rex:''' But we're not going to sit around and do nothing in case she's wrong, right? Today you're my sidekick-- Not a fashion-challenged soccer mom blocking my mojo. If there's any chance of playing hero for Holiday, I call dibs. :'''Security guard:''' Dr. Moses' inventions are not for public viewing-- Especially not by Providence. :''[Security guard grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' That "soccer mom" comment really got to you, huh? When did science geeks start packing heat? Huh? :'''Agent Six:''' Check the machine. :'''Rex:''' I'm no engineer, but as far as I can tell, all this thing does is light up and go "ping". They never cured it! This was a scam! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday's in trouble. Holiday, Moses is a fraud. There is no cure! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What's going on here? Moses, what is this? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Business, Dr. Holiday-- Big business. Now, if you wouldn't mind stepping aside so I can collect your sister-- :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday?! What's happening?! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Or don't step aside. I'm good either way. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! We've got our coordinates. Go! :'''Rex:''' It's a hundred miles away! :'''Agent Six:''' Correct. :'''Rex:''' Hold on to your swords, old man! :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]:'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I trusted you! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' A bad trait, a scientist. But look on the bright side-- You won't be locked in a cell anymore. That was just... Shameful. :'''Rex:''' Be the hero. Be the hero. Be the-- :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' ...Zero. You'll be a lot less grouchy in a few seconds, pal. Half cured? That's new. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' They've got Beverly. :'''Rex:''' You wanna talk to her? :'''Agent Six:''' Now's not the time. :'''Rex:''' And when exactly is. She needs a friend, Six. :'''Agent Six:''' I... prefer to keep it professional. Keeps people from getting hurt. :'''Rex:''' Dude. Take off the sunglasses. She's already hurting. If I were you-- :''[Six gets a radio signal]'' :'''Agent Six:''' If you were me, you'd have a lead. Get Holiday. Dust off in 3. :'''Rex:''' Where are we going? :'''Agent Six:''' Moses may be a genius but not because he can cure EVOs. He overpowers them-- Hypercharges the nanites with excess energy to push their transformations. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's why Rex only partially cured that EVO he stripped the EVO of its extra power. But at its core, it was still incurable. :'''Rex:''' We learned something new today. Great. :'''Agent Six:''' Gets worse. Moses has turned his tech into a cottage industry. He takes incurables and weaponizes them to sell to the highest bidder. :'''Rex:''' Don't sugarcoat it, Six. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you find this out? :'''Agent Six:''' I called some former associates-- People who know things, things that good people shouldn't know about. :'''White Knight:''' Question-- Why is my keep on an unapproved mission? :'''Rex:''' It's cool, Knight. We're helping Holiday. :'''White Knight:''' No! We had a deal! Return to base immediately! :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's over guys. I can't drag you down because of my mistake. I won't. :'''Agent Six:''' Keep returning to base. :''[Knight ends the transmission]'' :'''Agent Six:''' I said the keep is returning to base. I didn't say we'd be on the keep. :'''Rex:''' You okay? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hanging in there. :'''Rex:''' Hanging in there is good. I don't like to see you unhappy, you know. I-I mean-- :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I know what you mean. Thanks. :'''Agent Six:''' Better luck next time. :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Jealous much, sidekick? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Who is that? :'''Rex:''' Someone who knows things good people shouldn't. :'''Five:''' Machine boy! Like the new ax? You owe me for the last one. :'''Agent Six:''' We'll talk music later, Five. You have word on Moses? :'''Five:''' Five don't lie. Your guy is running an auction-- Tonight. :'''Agent Six:''' I owe you. :'''Five:''' She's a lot more beautiful than you let on, Six. Try not to screw it up this time. :'''Agent Six:''' You coming? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' The EVO is the military ordinance of the future. We all know it. You drop one of these babies into your neighbor's backyard, and it's game over. But to get the most annihilation out of your nanites... you need me. :'''Human EVO:''' You promised to cure! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' My technology not only amps up their abilities, but, for an extra charge, will modify their behavior to suit your needs. What am I bid for this army of one? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Bursting in]'' I'll open with extradition for crimes against humanity! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to his bidders]'' Wait! This is just a minor disturbance. :''[Moses groans]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' ''[to Holiday]'' Do you know what you just cost me, all for one hopless wreck?! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday hits Moses]'' Her name is Beverly. :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Then give sissy a hug. :'''Dr Holiday:''' No! Don't hurt her, Rex! :'''Rex:''' Yeah, sure. Handle with care. Whoa! Can you tell her that, too? :'''Agent Six:''' Going nowhere? :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Uh, let's not be ''[chuckling]'' rash. :''[Holiday slaps Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I'm gonna have to get you a dictionary. Rash will not help anyone, especially not Beverly. :''[Holiday grabs Moses]'' :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Who can still be cured. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Holiday drops Moses]'' What? :'''Agent Six:''' ''[Brandishing his swords]'' No games. Truth or dead. :'''Rex:''' Fight still going! Need assistance! Big time! Whoa! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' I did invent a machine that de-powered nanites, almost. But the bonds and nanite particles were too strong to break. Instead, I discovered that I could reverse the polarity to its maximum, overpowering the nanites. It's easier and-- Profitable. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' But you did isolate the bonds? So, you can break them! :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Ugh! Unh! Okay, I called hero, but I need some extra kick for my sidekick! Unh! Seriously! :'''Dr. Brandon Moses:''' Time to earn a return on my investments! Kill them all! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! :'''White Knight:''' I won't even bother telling you the trouble you're in. Catch those other EVOs and report to my office the moment you're back. :'''Rex:''' What other EVO-O-O-O-Os? :''[Rex turns around and notices the EVOs behind him]'' :'''Rex:''' Ooos? :'''Rex:''' Think they got it? :'''Agent Six:''' They'd better. We're busy. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Okay. That's the flux transponder. That's the nanite energizer. Don't you explode on me-- Not now. Aah! :'''Rex:''' I'll hand the one crazed sister. You take the other. It'll be like a double date. Don't bother... your sister... while she's working! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I can see what he did, but... uh... there's no time! I can't-- I can't help her! It's over. :'''Agent Six:''' Holiday-- Rebecca-- You are the strongest, smartest woman I have ever met, and the most stubborn. :''[Six removes his glasses and looks her in the eyes]'' :'''Agent Six:''' You never give up. If there's a way to help your sister, find it-- now! :''[Slight pause. Holiday smiles and puts Six's glasses back on his face then leaves]'' :'''Agent Six:''' That's my girl. New plan. Corral her to the machine. :'''Rex:''' Plans are good! Yah! What you got, Doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Moses was right. The polarity of the nanite energizer is wrong! I have to amplify and reverse it. But I don't have-- Six... Your magna blades-- But it would be too dangerous. Six! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six! :'''Agent Six:''' Is it working? :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's working. :'''Rex:''' Six, get out of there! :'''Agent Six:''' You called hero on this one, Rex! Finish it-- For her! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unh! Get them out, Rex-- Both of them-- Now! :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Doc! You gotta see this! :''[Dr. Holiday panting]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[as she's trying to revive Six]'' Don't you do this to me! I will hate you forever if you-- :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :''[Six coughs]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rebecca? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Beverly! :'''Rex:''' That was... I'm... Wow! Six, I've never said it before and I'll probably never say it again, but... I'm honored to be your partner. :'''Bobo Haha:''' Mushy stuff? Oh! Glad I missed it. :'''Rex:''' But don't ever do anything like that again. :'''Agent Six:''' Agreed. But you have to admit though... It was worth it. :''[Dr. Holiday and Beverly laughs]'' :'''White Knight:''' We're not running a boarding house here. No more relatives. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need her for a few more tests, sir. She was only 13 when she went Evo, and she's in a fragile state. :'''Beverly:''' Woo Hoo! :''[Beverly laughing]'' :'''Beverly:''' Rex just took me on a ride through the Zoo on his cycle. :'''White Knight:''' "Fragile." Right. :'''Rex:''' We're going to the mall. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Are you asking permission? :'''Rex:''' No. I'm asking if we can have some money. Providence pays me nada. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Can I have a word with you? :'''Agent Six:''' Sure this is a good idea? Could ruin your hero status with Holiday. :'''Rex:''' It's funny. After meeting Bev, out of nowhere, it hit me that Doc Holiday is just a little too old for me. So, since I'm out of the way, I guess there's nothing stopping you anymore, huh, "hero"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Well... right. I guess... I'll set up those tests. :''[Holiday starts to walk past Six. Six takes a hold of her hand]'' :'''Agent Six:''' Or... we could get some dinner. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Outside? In the real world? Like real people? Like a-- :'''Agent Six:''' Yes. Like a date. :''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's about time. ===Hong Kong Nights=== ===Whispers in the Dark=== ===Cutting It Close=== ===Exposed=== :'''White Knight''': All Providence personnel, this is a priority-one alert. :'''Agent Six''': Do not panic. Remember your training. :'''White Knight''': In all my years of working at Providence, never have I been put in such a situation. These interlopes could be anywhere at any given moment. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, what's all the-- Whoa! Sorry. We're late. :'''Bobo Haha''': You can't prove a thing! :'''White Knight''': Watch what you say. Watch what you do. The very future of Providence may depend upon it. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, what's going on? Van Kleiss attack in the HQ again? :'''Agent Six''': Worse. :'''Diane Farrah:''' I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. And to find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Rex Salazar''': Aah. :'''Diane Farrah''': All your questions are about to be answered. Welcome to Providence Exposed! ''[Camera closes-up on her face]'' On Ultimate Exposure! And cut. Great into, guys. Okay, moving on. :'''Rex Salazar''': This is cool. :'''Agent Six''': This is wrong. :'''Rex Salazar''': How's my hair? :'''Bobo Haha''': Delicious. :'''White Knight''': Ladies and gentlemen, the delightful Miss Farrah and her crew have used the Freedom of Information Act to force. :''[White Knight clears his throat]'' :'''White Knight''': To allow them access to a day in the life of Providence. And to ensure you are afforded the very best Providence has to offer, I'm assigning our top man as your personal guide. :''[Rex moves towards the news team]'' :'''White Knight''': Six, please show Miss Farrah whatever she wants to see. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. On behalf of Providence, I'd like to welcome you to our facility. :'''Diane Farrah''': Spare me the small talk. I'm here to ask the tough questions, and I expect truthful answers. :'''Agent Six''': Shoot. :'''Diane Farrah''': So.. is there a Mrs. Six? :''[Combs her hair]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Smooth. :'''Rex Salazar''': Like you'd have done better. :'''Bobo Haha''': Are you kidding? They want exposed. I'm going to give that reporter a piece of my mind and a few other pieces while I'm at it. I got stories that'll make them run screaming for the hills. :''[Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''Agent Six''': If you'll follow me, I'll be happy to show you one of our nanite research labs up close and personal. EVO control is our primary area of concentration, but Providence is focused on a great many studies. Each employing the best and the brightest our planet has to offer. :'''Rex Salazar''': Thanks, Six. You know, this is my brother's lab. He's only like the smartest guy in the entire world. Yeah, being the best at what we do totally runs in our family. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time. :'''Agent Six''': That experiment is highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, how did you become a Providence agent? :'''Agent Six''': That's also highly sensitive. :'''Rex Salazar''': Amazing story though about how I became a Providence agent. See, there was this big accident. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Good morning. My name is Dr. Rebecca Holiday, And I'm the chief research officer for the Providence Laboratory Facilities - specializing in the study of evology. Providence's number one priority is the security of our planet. And through the studying and understanding the forces that threaten us-- :'''Diane Farrah''': Let's cut to the chase, shall we, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, um, okay. :'''Diane Farrah''': How do you balance the threat of EVOs, the constant danger... with being a woman? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Uh. :''[Dr. Holiday laughs nervously]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Oh, excuse me. :'''Rex Salazar''': Speaking of studying, check this out. You can edit that, right? :'''Diane Farrah''': We're all about the editing. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, maybe you could show these journalists some of your other duties, like what you're supposed to be doing right now, for instance. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, man. That's right. Come on. You're going to love this. :'''Diane Farrah''': EVOs come from far and wide for a chance to be cured by this young man. How often do you do this? :'''Rex Salazar''': At least once a week here at HQ. When I'm in other parts of the county or the world, Providence sets up a mobile cure station. There are a lot of people out there who need my help. I only wish I could get to them all. Wait. Um, let my try again. ''[after Rex can't cure an EVO]'' Shut it off. :'''Diane Farrah''': But this is really good drama, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I asked to be on TV. They didn't. Please give these people their privacy. :'''Bobo Haha''': Come on, buddy. Everybody has an off day. :'''Rex Salazar''': In front of millions of viewers? So much for everyone's favorite Providence man of mystery. :'''Bobo Haha''': Well, they're just lucky they haven't had the camera on me yet. Oh man, talk about Ultimate Exposure. When I get through with them-- :'''Rex Salazar''': I just wish I could look cool on camera somehow. :'''Bobo Haha''': Phbt! Good luck. The only way that's going to happen now is if some experimental EVOs busted out of their cages and went on a rampage so you could round them up and look like a hero. :'''Diane Farrah''': Providence isn't known for being forthcoming with information. I hope this interview will change that. The people want answers and I fully expect them from you. :'''White Knight''': Very well. What do you want to know? :'''Diane Farrah''': For starters, how do you get fresh milk without any nanites in it? :'''White Knight''': If you must know, it's passed through a powerful magnet that removes and neutralizes any nanite activity. :'''Agent Six''': Observe. :''[White Knight smacks lips]'' :'''White Knight''': Anything else? :'''Diane Farrah''': Not at the moment, but I'll be back. :'''White Knight''': I look forward to it. :''[White Knight sips]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': So, Agent Six, what do you think about White Knight's obsession with staying nanite-free at the expense of human contact? :'''Agent Six''': He's a man of many mysteries. :'''Rex Salazar''': Look out! Coming through! Dangerous escaped EVOs on the loose! Stand back! Let a professional handle this! :'''Diane Farrah''': Follow him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yeah, I'm kind of awesome. :'''Bobo Haha''': Did you get them all? :'''Rex Salazar''': How many did you release? :'''Bobo Haha''': I don't know, three or four. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, which was it? Three or four? :''[Rex Salazar gasps]'' :'''Agent Six''': Well then. Now that Rex's little demonstration is over, how about a visit to the Providence gift shop? On me. :'''Diane Farrah''': How long has Providence had a gift shop? :'''Agent Six''': Since 8:00 A.M. You want to tell me how a class by EVO got out of its electromagnetically-sealed container and just happened to cross paths with our tour? :'''Rex Salazar''': It's not like this kind of thing doesn't happen here all the time. I just wanted it to happen this time, in front of the camera, all right? :'''Agent Six''': Not all right. That last EVO-- You just helped it molt so it could grow. Its body is still out there somewhere, getting bigger. :'''White Knight''': Providence is run like a finely tuned machine. Until you decide to throw a monkey wrench into the works. :'''Bobo Haha''': Hey, pal, let's leave the comedy to me. :'''White Knight''': And how is it exactly that these EVOs got out? :'''Bobo Haha''': Okay, Mea Culpa. I may have accidentally knocked open a cage or two-- Or four. :'''Dr. Holiday''': That fourth cage was electromagnetically sealed. :'''Bobo Haha''': I didn't say it was easy. :'''Dr. Holiday''': The EVO we had contained in there feeds on electricity. It must be kept away from any electrical current. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then it sure is a good thing this whole place isn't full of electricity. Oh, wait. :'''White Knight''': Find it. Subdue it. And most importantly, don't let that camera crew see it. :'''Bobo Haha''': Eh, were wastin' time hunting this thing down when I could be on camera right now, giving those people a piece of my mind. :'''Rex Salazar''': Hey, I only saw the EVOs empty husk before. What's the real thing look like anyway? Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': That. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Any suggestions? :'''Bobo Haha''': Can you make a soccer net? :''[Rex Salazar and Bobo Haha grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Aha! Got you cornered now. There's no way out. You're overpowered. :'''Bobo Haha''': You were saying? :'''Agent Six''': You wanted to interview me. Now's your chance. Go. :'''Diane Farrah''': Um... okay. Tell me, Six-- May I call you Six?-- What is the real truth behind the nanite event that created the EVOs? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': What is your role, if any, in that event? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified, too. :'''Diane Farrah''': Are you always this talkative? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait. Let me do that again. You didn't get my good side. Which is my good side? :'''Bobo Haha''': Your backside. :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, you promised you were taking us to the heart of the operation. :'''Agent Six''': Right. The heart of the operation. This way. :'''Dr. Holiday''': [Watching from a monitor] It went right. :''[Rex goes to his right. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Camera right! :''[Rex goes to the camera's right]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': How can you miss it now? It's six feet in diameter and weighs five hundred pounds! :'''Rex Salazar''': Less criticizing, more helping! :'''Dr. Holiday''': Try to steer it in the direction of Hallway twelve. We can isolate it in the atrium. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, we've got it contained there now. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No, sorry. I was reading that backwards. Hallway twenty one. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, Hallway twenty one leads to the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, so, no big deal. That's a cold-fission reactor, not electric, right? :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, all electricity is converted from something-- Wind, solar, hydro-- At the central core! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ohh. :''[Providence Agent screams]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh-hoh. :'''Dr. Holiday''': Rex, listen carefully and do exactly as I say because we're only going to get one shot at this. :'''Diane Farrah''': One shot at what, doctor? :'''Dr. Holiday''': The... future. Providence is the future. The future used to be the space program. Now the future is Providence and the science of EVOs. :'''Rex Salazar''': Doc? Are you still there? We have a situation. :'''Agent Six''': Just a minor downgrade of power during a routine relay check. Nothing to worry about. :'''Rex Salazar''': Guys, I could really use some advice right about now! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''White Knight''': Attention all Providence Personnel, we have a Level-One Priority... :''[Realizes the reporters are present]'' :'''White Knight''': Drill. Repeat-- This is our daily drill in the Central Core-- Now. :'''Agent Six''': Lunch bell. It's taco day. Anyone hungry? :'''Diane Farrah''': Agent Six, while we appreciate the commemorative spoons and the tacos, I can't help but think that you've been hiding something from our viewers. :'''Agent Six''': Not at all, ma'am. Providence is an open book. :''[Rex Salazar screams]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Cut! You're ruining the shot, Rex. Just be patient. I will get to you-- I promise. :''[Rex Salazar groans]'' :'''Agent Six''': Get down. :''[Diane Farrah gasps]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': That was... what you did. :'''Agent Six''': Just doing my job, ma'am. :'''Rex Salazar''': And I'm just doing mine! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': You're not going anywhere now, buddy, except back to your-- Cage? :'''White Knight''': We hope that you and the Ultimate Exposure team are enjoying our EVO containment demonstration, Miss Farrah. All part of readiness training here at Providence. :'''Diane Farrah''': Can I quote you on that? :'''White Knight''': Miss Farah, I'm not gonna stop you from filming, but for your own safety and the safety of your crew, please step back and let my people do what they do best. Alpha Team, I need a containment of the cafeteria, cube formation. Fire! Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm on it. :'''Agent Six''': Stay here. This is the real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': Not on your life. Find an elevator. We're missing it. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Still not a good ti-i-i-i-i-me! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, big boy. No more crawl spaces. No more Hallways. Just you and me in a big, old hangar bay mano y mano. :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh? :'''Bobo Haha''': ''[after Rex has been repeatedly beaten back by the Evo]'' Looks like you showed him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Are you going to talk, or are you going to help? :'''Bobo Haha''': Talk. Kidding! I'm helping! I'm helping! :''[Rex Salazar grunts]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :''[Rex Salazar sighs]'' :''[Rex Salazar groaning]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': Please tell me you're getting all of this. :'''Rex Salazar''': Providence's man of mystery strikes again. Ow! It-- it bit me! :'''Diane Farrah''': Quick, grab some B-roll footage before they get rid of all the evidence. :'''Rex Salazar''': You did see that I did all the heavy lifting and Six just took out the trash, right? :'''Diane Farah''': Don't worry. The camera never lies. :'''Rex Salazar''': Yes! :'''Bobo Haha''': Good! Then get a load of this! :'''Diane Farah''': Do you have something to say? :''[Camera zooms in on Bobo]'' :'''Bobo Haha''': Oh... oh. :''[Bobo mutters then passes out]'' :'''Diane Farrah''': I think we have everything we need. :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't know how you guys came off looking, but yours truly rocked hard. Just call me Providence's Man of Mystery from now on. Oh, yeah! Stardom starts in five, four, three, two-- :'''Diane Farrah''': I'm Diane Farrah, and for the first time ever, we've got an exclusive all-access pass inside the top-secret organization known as Providence. To uncover for our viewers, all the juiciest behind-the-scenes details of this most secret of institutions. :'''Rex Salazar''': We are so dead. :'''Bobo Haha''': Nice knowing you, kid. :'''Diane Farrah''': To find out the real story behind that man of mystery you've all wondered about for so long. :'''Agent Six''': Agent Six is the name. :'''Rex Salazar''': They did it. :'''Bobo Haha''': They did. :'''Dr. Holiday''': This is a news show? What is the world coming to? :'''Diane Farrah''': Look out, ladies. Agent Six is the full package -- brains, brawn, and-- :'''Agent Six''': Highly sensitive. :'''Diane Farrah''': Just what is he hiding behind those alluring, dark glasses of his? :'''Agent Six''': That's classified. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the Providence agent you women wanted to get to know. :'''Agent Six''': Up close and personal. :'''Diane Farrah''': That's right, girls. :'''Agent Six''': He's The real deal. :'''Diane Farrah''': And he's known throughout Providence as-- :'''Agent Six''': The heart of the operation. :'''Diane Farrah''': He's the organization's best-kept secret, the ultimate agent, and-- :'''Agent Six''': The man of many mysteries. :'''Diane Farrah''': And, yes, ladies, he is single -- or is he? :''[Dr. Holiday laughs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday''': Excuse me. :'''Agent Six''': No comment. :''[Rex and Bobo Haha laughs]'' :'''White Knight''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[after the story airs]'' So, man of mystery, what's it like being a big star adored by women everywhere? :'''Agent Six''': No comment. ===Touch and Go=== ===The Siren's Lament=== * Flashbacks as to how Circe came to work for Van Kleiss. <hr width80%> ===Grounded=== ===Six Minus Six=== ===In Dreams=== ===Lions and Lambs=== <hr width80%> :''[Providence agents are standing in an industrial area, fingers on triggers. Rex flies in on jet pack and lands beside all the agents.]'' :'''Rex:''' Any sign? ''[Rex notices agents shaking in fear.]'' Alright then, who’s up for a burger, anyone? Tough crowd. :''[Six walks up.]'' :'''Six:''' These agents seem nervous. Haven’t they dealt with this situation before? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, that's kind of the problem. :''[Rex twitches, as if he is feeling Breach's presence.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Here she comes. :''[Breach appears in front of them. They fire at her. She sends their missiles and agents away with red portals.]'' :'''Six:''' How do we stop her? :'''Rex:''' ''[Smack Hands.]'' Hit hard and keep clear of anything that glows. :''[Breach has a collar around her neck like the one Van Kleiss wears, and a device on her chest like his only much larger and shackles are around her giant hands which look like Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical wrist. She opens a red portal. A giant jellyfish-like thing flies out at Six, then a large creature with a horn on its nose runs out. Rex jumps at Breach, she portals out, returns and the device on her chest starts sparking.]'' :'''Rex:''' What's with the new toy, Breach? :'''Breach:''' ''[Glares]'' Wouldn’t you like to know? :''[T-Rex appears through a gold colored portal, sniffs Rex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Seriously, where do you find these things? Let's see what you started out as, big guy. ''[Tries to cure.] Six? This... this isn't an EVO!'' It's an actual T-Rex! ...Six? :''[Rex runs from T-Rex.]'' :'''Breach:''' Have fun. ''[Leaves through red portal.]'' :''[Rex hides behind light pole, T-Rex pulls pole from ground, Rex falls to the ground.]'' :'''Six:''' I take it this sort of thing doesn't happen all the time? :'''Rex:''' Try never? This is all kinds of wrong. :''[Rex makes BFS, runs at T-Rex; Six runs at T-Rex, jumps on and stabs it in back.]'' :'''Holiday:''' Is that what I think it is? :'''Six:''' You mean about to be extinct? :'''Holiday:''' If you destroy the scientific find of a lifetime, it won’t be the only thing. :'''Rex:''' It's trying to eat us. :'''Six:''' You heard the lady. Take it down soft. :'''Rex:''' Easy for you to say. :''[Rex lies on the ground holding the jaws open with Smack Hands and it slobbers on him.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Video of T-Rex in confinement field. The T-Rex turns to dust.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Breach is powerful enough as it is, and now you're telling me she can travel through time? :'''Holiday:''' However she's doing it, I haven't worked out all the kinks yet. That dinosaur reverted to its actual age about less than two hours after arrival. :'''Caesar:''' Photo and deep scan analysis reveals some very interesting technology at work here. Van Kleiss has really stepped up his game. :'''White Knight:''' Skip the fan talk. How do we stop it? :'''Caesar:''' Until I get my hands on the device, I'm not certain we can. :'''White Knight:''' We have to bring her to our side. :'''Rex:''' The only way she's coming here is if she does it willingly. :'''White Knight:''' How do you propose we persuade her? :'''Rex:''' With me. ''[Six and Holiday stare at him skeptically.]'' I can be very convincing. Okay, okay. I think she might still have a thing for me. :'''Bobo:''' Atta boy, work it on the crazy chick. :'''White Knight:''' I don't care how we do it as long as we get results. Providence is under the microscope. It is the worst time for Van Kleiss to gain the upper hand. Get to it. Bring her in. :''[Six and Holiday walking out of the room together down the hall.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[To Holiday.]'' I need a word. Something's wrong with White. :'''Holiday:''' Oh. That. He’s always like this, Six. :'''Six:''' No. This is different. I know when something is bothering him. The secret meetings, the anxiety. He’s up to something. :'''Holiday:''' I'll see what I can find out. :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Rex on hoverboard, in Providence stealth suit.]'' :'''Rex:''' WHOO-HOO! Works pretty good. After all, I built it. ''[Loses control of board for a moment.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Van Kleiss's castle, Rex hiding by entrance.]'' :'''Rex:''' Going in. ''[Pulls up stealth mask, disappears partly, runs past guard.]'' :''[Scene change.]'' :''[Breach is hooked up to a large machine. Van Kleiss stands before her with a huge bank of controls and displays, spooky dark lighting. She screams.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' This is unacceptable, Breach. I need you to concentrate. :'''Breach:''' It hurts. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Think of what I'm trying to achieve here. I cannot fail. :''[Breach screams in agony and collapses.]'' :''[Rex looks down horrified, Van Kleiss grins, Breach screams and falls down.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' I'll return when it recharges and we'll start again. :''[Rex holds his hand out to her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why do you let him do this to you? :'''Breach:''' Glory. :'''Rex:''' Van Kleiss's glory. Is he even noticing how you're tearing yourself apart for him? Have you ever heard him say thank you? What do you say we blow this joint, you and me? He's hurting you. :'''Breach:''' It's not real. It can't hurt you if it isn't real. :'''Rex:''' Breach, look at me. It is. I'm real, all of this is real. You don't have to live this way. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why am I not surprised. Rex has come to rescue another of my lost sheep. Perhaps he'll try to save you next, Biowulf. :'''Rex:''' That depends. Is he housebroken yet? :'''Biowulf:''' I am no traitor. :'''Van Kleiss:''' You’ve no doubt seen our little experiment. Breach shows great promise. She just needs a little fine tuning. :'''Rex:''' Then what? Go back in time and be king of the cavemen? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Why not? It wouldn’t be much of a step down, now would it? Breach, if you would, remove our guest so we can continue. Practice makes perfect, or in your case, acceptable. :''[Breach makes a red portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach! Think about what you're doing. :''[Van Kleiss grins, she runs and puts her arms around Rex, portals out with Rex.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Find her. Now. :''[Mountains, snow, Rex shivering.]'' :'''Rex:''' I'm glad you got us out of there, but where... are we? :'''Breach:''' When the snow is gone you can see forever. :'''Rex:''' That's nice. Can we go now? :'''Breach:''' I need to know if I can trust you. :'''Rex:''' You can trust me. I swear. :''[Breach grabs his hand and hugs him. He opens his eyes. They are standing on a shiny endless reflective surface, reflecting stars.]'' :'''Rex:''' This is different. :'''Breach:''' Do you see it? :'''Rex:''' Um-- :'''Breach:''' This is where the stillness comes from. :'''Rex:''' You. Are weird. So what exactly does this mean? Are you coming with me or is this some kind of test? :'''Breach:''' I need you to see it. :'''Rex:''' Ah... A test. :'''Breach:''' Do you wanna understand? :'''Rex:''' Not exactly sure. ''[She glares, he waves his hands in front of him.]'' Yes, I mean yes. I mean-- :'''Breach:''' Follow me. ''[Walks through red portal.]'' :''[Another place. A door, a doll, a bear and a fire hydrant float in space.]'' :''[Rex hanging upside down, she is holding him by his ankle above a swirling pink vortex.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ahh! What happened? I thought we were getting along fine! :'''Breach:''' Why are you here? :'''Rex:''' Good question. Where exactly is here? Can we go somewhere else now, somewhere like, on Earth? :''[She drops him. He screams and lands on the floor between some stacks of books.]'' :'''Rex:''' You sure know how to pick'em. What kind of tripped out dimension is this? ''[Librarian walks by and shushes him.]'' Oh. College. :'''White Knight:''' ''[On communicator in Rex's right ear.]'' Rex, report. Where on earth have you been? :'''Rex:''' Apparently every place but. :'''White Knight:''' I need to know you can handle this otherwise we're going to try a different approach. :'''Rex:''' You need to chill out, White. I’m making progress. ''[Rex puts his hand to his left ear.]'' Dr. Holiday, are you there? :'''Holiday:''' Tracking shows you’re with Breach. Are you okay? :'''Rex:''' Fine? Creeped out but fine. I can't bring Breach back to Providence, White would just lock her up and that won't help. :'''Holiday:''' Where will you take her? :'''Rex:''' I'll think of something. Just keep White Knight off my case. :''[Breach appears behind him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Why don't you let me pick out where we go next? :''[Scene change.]'' :''[White Knight hands folded moving nervously.]'' :'''White Knight:''' He says he's making progress. :'''Black Knight:''' The committee is losing confidence. They want results, not excuses. :'''White Knight:''' Then that's exactly what they’ll get. :''[Scene change. Rex sits across from Breach in a booth at a bowling alley.]'' :'''Rex:''' Soooo, don't like bowling, huh? I figured with the extra arms you'd be a natural. :'''Breach:''' I'm not supposed to like you, but I do. :'''Rex:''' ''[smiles]'' We're teenagers. At least assuming you are. Doing what we are not supposed to is part of the job. French fry? :''[She takes it and then drops it.]'' :'''Rex:''' Do you remember anything? From before you... changed? :'''Breach:''' I remember everything. And nothing. :'''Rex:''' Naturally. Why did I even bother to ask. Listen, Breach. I'm not going to pretend I understand you, ''[Puts his hand on her giant hand]'' but I can help. If you let me. :''[The machine starts to glow, they jump to their feet, other people look startled.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nothing to worry about. Everything's fine. :'''Breach:''' I can't, I can't stop it. :'''Rex:''' Let me try. ''[He tries and it knocks him onto the floor sparking.]'' :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss has control. They're coming. :''[Van Kleiss busts through the door with The Pack following. Raises bio-mechanical hand, palm of it glows, device on Breach's chest turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Okay, do your thing. Get us out of here. Anywhere. :''[she tries]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You can't take what doesn't belong to you. :'''Rex:''' I didn't take you for the jealous type. ''[Rex shoots bowling balls at Van Kleiss with his cannon, hits Biowulf and Skalamander in the face and Van Kleiss punches the balls aside with his bio-mechanical hand.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach, let's go! :''[Breach rides off with Rex on hoverboard, Van Kleiss and Pack follow on three flying fish EVO's with harnesses and big teeth. They dodge and crash Van Kleiss into a window, and land in a park.]'' :''[Breach and Rex stand together on a footbridge looking down into the water.]'' :'''Breach:''' ''[Walks to bridge and looks at her reflection, Rex follows.]'' Will they hurt me? :'''Rex:''' Providence? Not if I can help it. :'''Breach:''' They did before. Ms. Smarty Pants—she likes to hurt me. :'''Rex:''' I'll give you my word, if you come back to Providence, I promise no one will hurt you. :'''Breach:''' We can be together forever and ever. ''[She walks off bridge, ducks swimming in water.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... something like that. What am I getting myself into? We gotta move. I bet my brother has already figured out how to turn that thing of yours off. :''[The ducks fly off, they look and see a reflection in the pond of White Knight's ship.]'' :''[White Knight walks up followed by Providence fighter planes.]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh guys, what are you doing?! :'''White Knight:''' If you can't have something done right, do it yourself. :''[They shoot at Breach, she screams, Rex is horrified.]'' :'''Rex:''' No! No! No! ''[walks up bridge to White Knight]'' Do have any idea what you just did? :''[Breach's chest device turns on, she screams, Providence shoots at her.]'' :'''Rex:''' Is this what you wanted? Congratulations! ''[runs to Breach]'' Breach! Wait! :'''Breach:''' Liar! ''[Throws red portal at Rex, he dodges, second one hits him, he disappears. Providence keeps shooting, she throw portals, drops three soldiers in water.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Agent Six! :''[He jumps at her, she portals him away to behind Knight. Rex jumps from the water onto the bridge by Knight.]'' :'''Rex:''' You had no intention to bring her in, did you? :'''White Knight:''' I wanted to believe you, Rex, but this is too important. She can't be controlled. :'''Rex:''' Control... Her powers are back on. Van Kleiss. :''[Van Kleiss arrives on flying fish EVO.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Settle down, Breach. :''[Chest device turns off.]'' :'''Rex:''' Let me do this. I can get through to her. Come on. It couldn't get any worse than you've already made it :''[Knight and Six look at each other.]'' :'''White Knight:''' Form a perimeter around Breach. Van Kleiss isn't to touch her. :''[A rock wall rises from the ground blocking Rex as he runs towards Breach. The Pack jumps down from wall to attack Rex, Six intervenes. Agents surround Breach, she tries and fails to make red portal. Screams. Van Kleiss flies in on fish, knocks down agents with bio-mechanical whip arm, shoots needles from fingers and knocks more down, fish knocks the rest down. White Knight shoots at Van Kleiss.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' If you had any idea what I was trying to do you might even welcome it. :'''White Knight:''' Enlighten me. :''[Van Kleiss touches a tree and it turns into an EVO. EVO tree catches and holds White. Six and Biowulf fight, Rex and Skalamander fight.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Enlighten you? :''[Sticks his claws in White Knight, glowing White Knight screams.]'' All in good time, White Knight, assuming you have some left. :''[Six throws a magnablade through Van Kleiss's bio-mechanical arm and he lets go of White.]'' :'''Six:''' ''[to White Knight]'' Go. I mean it. ''[White Knight flies off.]'' :'''Six:''' The name's Six. :'''Van Kleiss:''' We've met. :'''Six:''' Don't remember. ''[They fight.]'' :''[Breach on merry-go-round, turning slowly looking at the sky. :'''Rex:''' You're just using her. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Of course I am. She knows it. Spare me the chivalry, Rex. Providence would do the same. :'''Rex:''' Either way you slice it, she loses! :'''Breach:''' ''[to herself]'' My two favorites. You both lie. Neither is real. :'''Rex:''' ''[goes to her]'' Breach, I'm sorry. I meant what I said. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Words mean nothing. :'''Rex:''' Then let this do the talking. ''[Turns on her machine, puts it into her power.]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' You just handed her a loaded gun. :'''Rex:''' And now it's her choice how to use it. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh if only I had the chance to get through to you, Rex, to teach you how the world really works. :''[Breach steps in front of Van Kleiss, raises her arms as if to send Rex away. Makes huge yellow portal above them.]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Our very first time traveler. You should be honored. Now Breach, if you wouldn't mind. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :''[Rex closes his eyes. Breach sends Van Kleiss away with yellow portal.]'' :'''Rex:''' That was... unexpected. :''[Rex tries to turn machine off but fails.]'' :'''Rex:''' It won't turn off. I'm sorry. I, I didn't know. :'''Breach:''' Van Kleiss made it like this so I wouldn't send him away. :'''Rex:''' That didn't work out so well did it? Six, get everyone out of here now! ''[A big yellow dome forms around the playground where Rex and Breach stand.]'' :'''Rex:''' So, what's going to happen? :''[Rex and Breach are about to be engulfed by Breach's out of control time portal]'' :'''Breach''': ''[she looks up]'' I don't know if any of this was real. But it was nice having a friend for a while. ''[Rex smiles, Breach hugs him as they dispensary in the golden time portal]'' :'''Rex:''' I didn't get blown up. ''[Sees a lizard.]'' Whoa! ''[Jumps away, startled.]'' Oh no, please don't let this be dino time. ''[Touches earpiece in left ear.]'' Rex to Providence, do you copy? :''[Takes earpiece out and looks at it.]'' Oh... Rex to Providence, you better be there. :'''Providence Agent:''' Uh... we copy, Rex. We have a lock on your coordinates and are sending a jump jet. :'''Rex:''' Is Six okay? Breach went supernova. :'''Providence Agent:''' Someone's on the way, just hold tight. Providence out. :''[Scene change, Rex lying on the ground.]'' :'''Rex:''' Took you long enough. :''[Turns over and sees Providence agents, pointing guns at him.]'' :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex is onboard. Heading back to HQ. :'''Rex:''' HQ? Ten minutes ago I was in the middle of an epic battle. You need to take me back! :'''Providence Agent:''' Um, that battle is over. :'''Rex:''' What happened? Is Six okay? Guys...what's going on? :''[They arrive at HQ.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Baby brother, you're okay! ''[Runs and hugs him.]'' :'''Rex:''' Breach just sent me to nowheresville. Nothing to freak out over. :'''Caesar:''' ''[To Providence agent.]'' You didn't tell him? :'''Providence Agent:''' Our orders were just to bring him back. :'''Rex:''' Tell me what? Hey, when did you... have a beard? :'''Caesar:''' There's no easy way to tell you this, hermano. Breach didn't just send you to the middle of nowhere. You've been gone for six months. :'''Rex:''' Six months?! So this is-- :'''Caesar:''' Technically, the future. I should warn you, there've been a few changes. :'''Rex:''' You didn't give away my room, did you? :'''Caesar:''' As a matter of fact, they did. :'''Rex:''' What?! Caesar, tell me what's going on here. :'''Caesar:''' It would be better if I showed you. :'''Rex:''' White Knight taking visitors now? :'''Caesar:''' I'll wait out here. :''[Rex sees Providence agents dressed in black.]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice suits. :''[Goes into the office.]'' :'''Rex:''' Ah... Love what you've done with the place. White? :''[Person in chair turns around, it's a woman, not White Knight.]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Thank you, Rex. ''[She gets up and walks towards him.]'' It was a little bright for my taste. White Knight is no longer associated with this organization. :'''Rex:''' He quit? :'''Black Knight:''' He...attempted a hostile takeover and failed. Can I get you anything? Water? A snack? :'''Rex:''' I don't want a snack! Where's Six? Where's Holiday!? :'''Black Knight:''' This must upsetting to you. Change is never easy but from I understand, you've been in situations like this before. Everything's going to be fine. :'''Rex:''' Who are you?! :'''Black Knight:''' Someone very happy to have you back. Call me Black Knight. ==Season Three (2011-2013)== ===Back in Black=== : '''Rex''': Okay, I get what's going on here. : '''Black Knight''': I'm relieved to hear that, Rex. : '''Rex''': You can come out! I know you're there! : '''Black Knight''': Rex? : '''Rex''': We're friends, now, remember? Breach? : '''Black Knight''': Breach isn't here, Rex. The world's changed. As soon you accept th-- : '''Rex''': No, I'm not ignoring you. It's just that you're not real. : '''Black Knight''': I assure you I'm very real-- As is all of this. : '''Rex''': ''[Chuckling]'' Oh, come on. It's been a fun time in the ol' Breachscape, but, you know, time to go home now. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Seen this before. Usually ends with a black hole. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, you're disoriented. Let me-- : '''Rex''': Sorry, non-lady. No time. Got an exit to find! Shall we aprehend? : '''Black Knight''': It won't be necessary. : '''Caesar''': Rex! Have you lost it? : '''Rex''': Caesar! We're in a pocket dimension! It could collapse at any second! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar''': That's crazy, Rex. This is not a pocket dimension. : '''Rex''': You're right! It's a whole alternate universe! And-- and-- and you're my Brother's evil twin! Out of the way! Six! Six! Doc! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex''': Dr. Holiday! Doc! : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': Wha-- Well, at least some things haven't changed. Whoa! Whoa! Okay, now I-- Bleh-- know I'm in an-- Aah!-- alternate universe. Unh! You can go ahead and -- Blech!-- Eat me now, please. : '''Black Knight''': Release. : '''Rex''': You were... saying something about changes? : '''Black Knight''': There have been a few. : '''Caesar''': You've got temporal lag, Rex. It's kind of like altitude sickness, only in time. Here-- This will balance your electrolytes. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex''': So this is really-- : '''Black Knight''': Really. Welcome to the future, Rex-- Or, rather, to the present. Without your healing abilities, Providence has embraced a new paradigm. We've moved beyond the outmoded era of "cure, contain, or kill." : '''Rex''': And into the era of "serious leash laws". : '''Caesar''': We used the petting zoo as our test bed. What do you think? : '''Rex''': I think it needs a new name, 'cause, you know, now it really is one. : '''Caesar''': We've developed new techniques for working with EVOs. It's all about understanding them better. : '''Rex''': So, you're some sort of "EVO whisperer"? : '''Caesar''': ''[laughs]'' It's a bit more complicated than that. You sure you're okay? ''[sighs]'' It's good to have you back, brother. : '''Black Knight''': Family ties. They transcend even time itself. : '''Rex''': Caesar's not my only family. : '''Black Knight''': I'll bring you up to speed on the others. When you went M.I.A., White Knight lost his biggest weapon in the war for EVO containment. : '''Rex''': Figures that I have to vanish for him to appreciate me. : '''Black Knight''': White became erratic-- some might say paranoid. Directorate lost faith in his ability to lead. : '''Rex''': Directorate? I never knew white even had a boss. : '''Black Knight''': There are, shall we say, layers. I was named as his replacement. : '''Rex''': Let me guess-- he didn't take it well. : '''Black Knight''': You could say that. : '''Providence Agent''': White Knight! Sir! Stand down! : '''White Knight''': I'd rather go down in flames than see Providence in the hands of the enemy. : '''Providence Agent''': He's got a bomb! Fall back! All units fall ba-- : '''Rex''': Whoa! That was-- : '''Black Knight''': Your room. : '''Rex''': Huh? Aww, man! But... Six... Holiday... where-- : '''Black Knight''': Where do you think? They're out looking for you. Agent Six and Holiday took indefinite leave. They've been off the grid ever since. I've attempted to contact them, but no response. : '''Rex''': Mind if... I give them a ring? Not that I don't trust you. : '''Black Knight''': ''[sarcasm]'' But you don't trust me. Natural, given the circumstances. Be my guest. ''[after Rex gets disconnected]'' It won't take long, to locate them. Meanwhile, there are many familiar faces who will be glad to hear you're back. Which reminds me... ''[tosses Rex a sack]'' This is everything we salvaged from your room. : '''Rex''': ''[opening the sack to find his ball]'' Huh. Talk about starting over. : '''Black Knight''': You could you know. There's still a place for you in the-- : '''Rex''': My room. I thought you said it was trashed. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, wait. : '''Rex''': What's the matter, Black? This where you're hiding all your evil secrets? : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex''': Um... Wow! : '''Black Knight''': This entire wing was destroyed in the blast. I had the space... repurposed. : '''Rex''': White wouldn't even splurge for private stalls. : '''Black Knight''': As you see, I treat my finest people to the very finest things. : '''Rex''': Sure. I'll take one of those, please. : '''Black Knight''': It's yours-- and anything else you'd like. : '''Rex''': As long as I do whatever you want-- That it? : '''Black Knight''': On the contrary-- you're a seasoned agent. I have a few boundaries, but otherwise, handle matters as you see fit. : '''Rex''': Say I refuse. : '''Black Knight''': Then I turn you over to mel. ''[chuckling]'' I'm kidding. You're free to leave whenever you like. But I hope you'll stay. Now, more than ever, Providence needs a Rex. So, how do you feel? Like I haven't used one of those in Six months-- Which I haven't. You mind? Bobo? : '''Bobo''': Rex! Heard you were back. So great to see you, buddy. Whoa. Just a sec, there, pal. Gotta love those certain towelettes. : ''[Bobo whistling]'' : '''Bobo''': What? Never seen a monkey wash his hands before? : '''Rex''': Not this one. : ''[Bobo munching]'' : '''Rex''': You wanna tell me what's gotten into you or what? : '''Bobo''': What are you talking abou-- Unh! Hey! : '''Rex''': Sorry. For a minute, I thought you were... : '''Bobo''': Robo Bobo? Wanna check for a tv in my butt? : '''Rex''': Pass. But come on. You've, I don't know, mellowed or something. : '''Bobo''': Guess I just don't have a big need to act out these days, what with you and everyone gone. Plus, the employee benefits are pretty sweet. : '''Black Knight''': Rex, we've got a little EVO problem. Providence could use your help. Ready to get back in the game? : '''Rex''': If it involves getting out of here, that would be a "yes." You coming? : '''Bobo''': I'll join ya on the next one. I got Tai Chi at 2:00. : '''Rex''': Missing an EVO smackdown? That doesn't sound like you. : '''Bobo''': Did I mention the instructor has a thing for back hair? : '''Rex:''' Ew. Okay. That sounds like you. What is it and where do I find it? : '''Providence Agent''': We've got an EVO in the subway tunnels, people trapped in one of the trains. The power's out down there, too. : '''Rex:''' Sounds like a street worm. Sure it's just one? Rex to H.Q. Okay, new chief, how do you want to do this? : '''Black Knight:''' You're the expert. : '''Rex:''' I am? Uh, I mean, of course I am. It's just that Six usually-- : '''Black Knight:''' You don't need help, Rex. Handle it as you see fit. Black, out. : '''Rex:''' What's this strange feeling that's come upon me? Could it be... : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex''': Responsibility?! Okay. Assemble your guys over there. Be ready for me. Should the guys grab flashlight. Or... better. Not a bad pre-show. Now for the main event. : '''Providence Agent:''' How did you know? : '''Rex:''' These things usually travel in pairs. I used lights from my builds to make it think I was another worm. Have your bug net handy. They're so cute after I shut them down. : '''Rex:''' Sorry B.K. No can cure. : '''Black Knight:''' Understood. Our team will take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Um, take what where? : '''Providence Agent:''' Move into the vehicle! Move... into... the vehicle! Hit her again! : '''Rex:''' Um, what just happend? : '''Black Knight:''' That's all for now, Rex. Nicely done. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Wait. What are you gonna do with it? : '''Providence Agent:''' Standard rehab and re-lo. It's all very humane. : '''Rex:''' I'd love to see that. Mind if I tag along? : '''Black Knight:''' Sorry, Rex. Authorized personnel only. You've done your job. Now let the team theirs. : '''Rex:''' But-- : '''Black Knight:''' Boundaries, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Boundaries. Got it. Rex, out. : '''Caesar:''' Main container reached. Attach stabilizer ring. : '''Rex:''' Humane? Yeah, right. : ''[Bobo yawns]'' : '''Bobo:''' See? Great employee benefits. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Right. Hey, you got a tag sticking out in the back. Mind if I-- : '''Bobo:''' Thanks, pal. Well, off to yoga. : '''Caesar:''' You really shouldn't be here, hermano. : '''Rex:''' The petting zoo? The worm? My monkey practicing good hygiene? You're using that thing to control my friend! : '''Caesar:''' He's still the same Bobo you know and love. He just need a few boundaries. : '''Rex:''' He's not the same, and neither are you! You should hear yourself! : '''Caesar:''' Making the world safer isn't possible without some form of control. And you'd better get some control of yourself, mijo. : '''Rex:''' Or what? You'll use that thing on me? : '''Caesar:''' Open your eyes to all the good we're accomplishing. Isn't this better than smacking them with your giant fists? : '''Rex:''' That's combat! I protect people and property! Okay, property, not so much, but this? If you can't see the difference, then maybe I never knew you at all! : '''Caesar:''' It doesn't matter. I have work to do. : '''Rex:''' So do I! : ''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Uses his Smack Hands to smash everything around him]'' : '''Caesar:''' Rex! Stop! : '''Black Knight:''' Snooping around, Rex? See, that's another one of my boundaries. : '''Rex:''' White Knight may have had his issues, but he never resorted to anything like this! : '''Black Knight:''' I never planned to do this, Rex, but you've become a danger. : '''Rex''' ''[shocked]'': Caesar! Think! You can't do this! : '''Caesar:''' Of course I'm thinking. This is the logical conclusion to what we started. : '''Rex:''' The logical-- Aaaah! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Raaah! Aah! : ''[Caesar blasts the mind-control laser, causing Rex to scream and groan in pain]'' : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. You'll thank me later. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You... better... believe I will! : '''Caesar:''' Please don't resist! It's only painful if you struggle! : '''Black Knight:''' What's taking so long? : '''Caesar:''' He's fighting it! His nantic energy is spiking off the scale! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Boost power. : '''Caesar:''' It's not safe to-- : '''Black Knight:''' It's for the best. : ''[Caesar increases power, causing Rex's nanites to go haywire as a tear fall down his cheek, heartbroken about his own brother betraying him]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Manages to overpower the mind-control machine, much to the surprise and wonder of Caesar and Black Knight]'' : '''Rex:''' You just drew a line in the sand, bro! ''[runs off]'' : '''Black Knight:''' You'd better have a backup. : '''Caesar:''' The prototype. Not portable, but more than enough power, even for him. : '''Black Knight:''' Get it ready. : '''Rex:''' Unh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' No mood to get slimed right now, mel! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' What happened to your EVO control? : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Black Knight reactivates Mel's control]'' A demonstration. You know what would happen without our influence. : '''Rex:''' So, you're hijacking its brain, like you tried to do with mine. : '''Black Knight:''' That won't be necessary if you'll willingly cooperate. : '''Rex:''' Translation-- if I do everything you say. : '''Black Knight:''' You've seen how we can work together. Providence still needs you. There will always be a few EVOs we can't control. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I'm one of them. : '''Black Pawns:''' Shall we pursue? : '''Black Knight:''' Most definitely. : '''Rex:''' Gangway! Coming through! Huh? No! Huh. Black Pawns. Overdoing the whole theme, don't you think? : ''[Rex groaning]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Yah! I'm getting beat up by the chess club! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' We... got off on the wrong foot. Stow the hardware and come with us. You have my word you won't be harmed. We can start over-- the right way. : '''Bobo:''' You mind? You're interrupting the enjoyment of my employee benefits. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : ''[Rex panting]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Knight:''' ''[after Rex was tranquilized]'' Excellent work. Take him to the lab. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' What? No way! You're not turning my brain to mashed potatoes! Doc?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Welcome back, Rex. : '''Six:''' Good to see you, kid. : '''Rex:''' Before I blame this on a Burrito-induced nightmare, will someone please tell me-- What... Is... Going... On?! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' What do you think? We've been looking for you. : '''Six:''' We knew Providence might find you first. Fortunately, we planted a mole. : '''Bobo:''' Ehh. Rex! Put 'er there! : '''Rex:''' Uhh! You didn't wash! Oh! You didn't wash! But that means... that he really was... Robo Bobo? : '''Bobo:''' In the flesh. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Literally. I gave it a biological upgrade, complete with his own nanites and... fleas, ticks, lice, chigger mites. : '''Bobo:''' What can I say? I'm an ecosystem. : '''Six:''' It's enough to fool your brother's equipment. The robot is only providing limited intel. But one thing is sure-- new Providence is about more than just getting EVOs off the streets. : '''Rex:''' I saw it. Whatever they're doing over there is seriously messed up. : '''Six:''' That's why we've set up our own operation. : '''Rex:''' ''[Long pause as Rex sees the new HQ]'' Whoa! Where did you get all of this? : '''Six:''' We have our sources. : '''Rex:''' So, we're like super-secret spies now? Cool! :''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's too bad about White, though. I never thought I'd say it, but I'm gonna miss that pasty guy. : '''White Knight:''' ''[White enters]'' How touching, Rex. I, on the other hand, have rather enjoyed the last six Rex-free months. Now... If we're done with the love-in, we have work to do. : '''Rex:''' It really can't get any better than this. Oh, except one thing-- Can I get a TV? ===Crash and Burn=== *From this episode, Rex can create two builds at once :''[Bobo yawns]'' :'''Bobo:''' They say nothin' good happens after midnight. And, you know, they're right. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm worried about you, Bobo. Since we left Providence, you've been staying out every night. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo gulps]'' :'''Bobo:''' That's not the least of your worries. Seen our boy lately? :''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex is fine. He just needs time to adjust to our new setting. Rex? It's Holiday. Are you there? :'''Rex:''' Hey, doc. What up? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Just checking in. Everything okay? :'''Rex:''' Better than okay. I'm about to set a new land-speed record' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That wasn't what I meant. How are you feeling? :'''Rex:''' Appreciate the concern, but the only thing on my mind right now is the need for speed. Apparently, I'm not alone. I'll call you back. Hey! Slow down! I want to talk to you! Ah. You want to play chicken. Doc? Bobo? I'm getting blitzed by some bikers. Aah! :'''Rand:''' Might as well give up! I won't quit! I'm a relentless, never-say-die, nonstop-- Uh, hey, wait a minute. Who are you? :'''Rex:''' Think you could have asked me that before trying to run me down? :'''Rand:''' Ooh! My fault. I thought you were one of us. :'''Rex:''' "One of us"? What is this? :'''Rand:''' Sorry, dude. No time to chat. Peace. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, like I'm gonna take that for an answer. A street race? Or a demolition derby? :''[Lance grunts]'' :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Lance:''' Gonna need a bike. :'''Rex:''' Can't believe you survive that! You must be the luckiest guy on the-- These are nanites. :''[Lance groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Oh, come on! :'''Six:''' Something wrong? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Prototypes. I prefer tried-and-tested. And I don't even know what we're going to do with half of this stuff. :'''Bobo:''' You're goin' soft, gettin' worked over by a bunch of goofballs on motorcycles. :'''Rex:''' They had weapons. :'''Bobo:''' Last time I checked, so did you. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, but not while I'm on my bike. I'm strictly one at a time. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The nanites that have infected his body are slowly poisoning him. I've never seen anything like it. :'''Rex:''' Do what you can, Doc? I'm gonna go out and look for those racers. :'''Bobo:''' Sounds dangerous. :'''Rex:''' Sure, Bobo. You can come, too. The nanites we found on the biker gave off a different energy signature. Gonna use one of Holiday's new toys to try to scan for it. A bunch of them. And they're moving fast. :'''Bobo:''' Then step on it! Maybe Holiday has a point about prototypes! :'''Rex:''' Or maybe they're not on the streets. I'll watch the road. You watch the screen. :'''Bobo:''' Gotta warn you-- Chimps make bad navigators! :'''Rex:''' Just do it! :'''Bobo:''' Hmm? Left! You're goin' left! Make a right! Another right! :'''Rex:''' Which way? :'''Bobo:''' I don't know! That way-ish! Wah! Like I said-- Monkeys make great navigators! This is your biker gang? :'''Rex:''' They had weapons before I'm telling you-- They're tough! :'''Bobo:''' If you say so. :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' Wall. :''[Bobo and Rex grunts]'' :'''Moss:''' That's some fancy ridin'. You following us, kid? :'''Rex:''' Still think they don't look tough? :'''Bobo:''' I take it back. :'''Moss:''' Who are you, kid? 'Cause whoever you are, you're not bad. :'''Rand:''' You're awesome! Where'd you learn to ride like that? Anybody with that kind of skill should be with us. Yeah! :'''Moss:''' What's your secret? :'''Rex:''' No secret. I'm just built that way. :'''Lunk:''' Is that guy from TV-- The one who fights EVOs. :'''Bobo:''' Five bucks for pictures, ten bucks for autographs. :'''Rand:''' A talking monkey! Outrageous! I gotta have one. Is he for sale? :'''Bobo:''' Brother, you can't afford me. :'''Rex:''' You guys seem tight-- For guys who try to kill each other. :'''Rand:''' We're not killers. We're racers. This is a legitimate sport. :'''Moss:''' It is what it is. Our races aren't for the weak. Name's Moss. You've met Rand. :'''Rex:''' He tried to blow me up. :'''Rand:''' I missed. You're welcome. Come on, don't leave me hangin'. :'''Moss:''' Never met a celebrity who could ride. :'''Rex:''' I caught you, didn't I? :'''Moss:''' But are you tough enough try me? :'''Rex:''' Try me. :'''Bobo:''' You gotta fight back? :'''Rex:''' With what? :'''Bobo:''' Oh, brother. Fine, leave it to Chimpy. Aah! I'll take that. Phbt! :'''Rex:''' Something else on the map-- Moving fast! And it's big! :'''Providence Agent:''' Halt! You kids! Pull over! Now! :'''Moss:''' Cops! :'''Bobo:''' Worst than cops-- Providence. :'''Rex:''' The bikes give off a nanite signature. They must have tracked it. :'''Providence Agent:''' Rex, what are you doing here? :'''Rex:''' Research. You don't want to get caught up in this! Back off now! Sorry, guys. Have Black Knight sent me the bill. :'''Rand:''' Ha! No way! You want to beat me, you gotta step your game up. Aah! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Rand! :'''Bobo:''' Don't stop! Kid's wearing armor. He's fine. :'''Rex:''' No! Something's wrong! :''[Rand groans]'' :'''Rex:''' What is this thing? Doc? Get over here quick. We've got another one. :'''Biker gangs:''' WHOO-HOO-HOO! :''[Biker gangs laughs]'' :'''Biker gangs:''' Yeah! :'''Moss:''' We thought you'd bailed on us. Where were you? :'''Rex:''' Watching a doctor try to save Rand's life. :'''Moss:''' Racers get sick sometimes. It's part of the life. :'''Rex:''' Those nanite power sources-- you got to stop using them. To feel one with the road, that rush? So some people get sick. When we're on our rides, nothing else matters. :'''Rex:''' Your rides are killing you! You're gonna be dead-- All of you! And for what? So you can go a little faster? :'''Moss:''' We need those things to ride. You know what it's like. :'''Lunk:''' Please. Don't take our bikes away. :'''Rex:''' Nobody's going to take your bikes. But I need to know where you got those nanites. :'''Lunk:''' ''[sighs]'' A guy named Valve. He supplies the superchargers. :'''Moss:''' You're wasting your time. Valve never talks to anybody. :'''Rex:''' He'll talk to me. :'''Bobo:''' Been in a lot of bad biker dives, but this is the worst I've ever seen. :'''Valve:''' Enter, strangers. The biker will see you now. Please, sit. May I offer you some tea? :'''Rex:''' I'll pass. :'''Valve:''' Suit yourself. I find a good cup of tea soothing-- for the body and the soul. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Valve:''' You don't have to tell the biker why you're here. The biker can tell. You wish to buy a supercharger. :''[Valve slurps]'' :'''Rex:''' Your superchargers are killing people. It's gonna stop. :''[Valve breathes deeply]'' :'''Valve:''' Hmm. That sounds like a challenge. :'''Rex:''' Maybe it is. I'll race you for them. If I win, you hand over your entire stockpile. :'''Valve:''' Shh! Your answer is on the wind. :'''Rex:''' You're... not right in the head, are you? :'''Valve:''' When the wind commands, the impossible game must be gamed. The challenge is accepted. We will race for the superchargers. And when the biker wins... It won't matter. :'''Rex:''' Why is that? :'''Valve:''' Because you'll be dead. Let the race begin. :'''Moss:''' This is his own private track. He knows it better than anyone. You can still back out-- Probably. :'''Rex:''' And let people become poison, like Valve? No. I can take him. Just give me something to hit him with. You guys are walking arsenals. You don't have anything? :'''Moss:''' You didn't think we'd need 'em today. :'''Bobo:''' Oh, boy. :'''Six:''' Message from Holiday. The two sick teens have stabilized, but she's still a ways from finding a cure. :'''Rex:''' It was the only weapon I could find, okay? Can I borrow the sword? :'''Six:''' Use your own. :'''Rex:''' On wheels? It's not gonna happen. :'''Six:''' What's stopping you? :'''Rex:''' Well, for one thing, I-- Um, not sure exactly. :'''Six:''' What have I been teaching you? Focus on what you want and make it happen. No more excuses. :''[Bobo munching]'' :''[Bobo munching]'' :'''Valve:''' You're lucky. One the very best get a chance at this track. :'''Rex:''' Then I should fit right in. Rules of the game-- ten laps. Cross the finish line before the biker, and you may have them. :'''Rex:''' So, is the wind talking to you now? :'''Valve:''' The wind commands the Biker to destroy you. The Biker is happy to oblige. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Bobo:''' You gonna help him? :'''Six:''' He's doing fine. :'''Bobo:''' Are you watchin' the same race I am? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' You're in trouble, Rex! No. Keep it together. Keep... it... together. Six said it-- Focus. Focus. Focus! :''[Valve laughs]'' :'''Valve:''' Oblivion. :'''Six:''' Like I sad-- He's doing fine. :'''Rex:''' Double-up! Where have you been all my life? :''[Valve grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Cute toy. But I like mine better. :'''Valve:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Was there any doubt? :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, plenty. :''[Valve panting]'' :'''Rex:''' We had the deal. Remember? :'''Valve:''' Like the storm that changes directions on a whim, the biker is changing the deal. 'Cause the biker-- ''[grunts]'' Doesn't like! ''[grunts]'' The biker-- ''[grunts]'' never loses! ''[grunts]'' Unh! :'''Rex:''' First time for everything. Thank you, Six. :'''Six:''' It was all you, kid. :'''Moss:''' Rand! :'''Biker gangs:''' Oh, Rand! Good to see you! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Completely detoxified. In a couple days, they'll be back to full strength. Those could be useful at the new base. :'''Moss:''' You can't stop us from riding. :'''Rex:''' What's stopping you? You can still ride. You just won't be poisoned by nanites. Come on. Race you back to the garage. :''[Rex rides off]'' :'''Moss:''' ''[Chasing after Rex]'' You heard the man. Hit it! :'''Six:''' You do realize we just turned a group of reckless teenage boys loose on the city. :'''Bobo:''' All in a day's work. ===Heroes United, Part 1=== : ''[In New York City, a strange white sphere appears in the sky, imposing several sporadic shocks that hit a bridge and a building and several people begin to run desperately. At The Plant, a light turns on and Rex is running and stops, with the light focusing on him, a figure passes behind Rex who smiles and builds his Funchucks and attacks the figure behind him who jumps dodging his attack and landing behind Rex, the light turns on and reveals itself to be Agent Six.]'' : '''Six:''' You need to pay attention. : ''[Six pulls out his Magna Blades]'' : '''Rex:''' I'll tell you what I need. : ''[Rex attacks Six who blocks his attacks]'' : '''Six:''' More training? Your swing is getting a little sloppy. : '''Rex:''' Not what I was thinking, but thanks for the tip. : ''[Rex tries to attack Six who jumps, dodging the blow. Six tries to attack Rex who builds his Punk busters and jumps back]'' : '''Rex:''' Two words for you, Six- - Theme song! : '''Six:''' Theme song? : ''[Jump on top of the cabin where Holiday is]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Break my stuff, and I will ruin you. : '''Rex:''' Things have been pretty Good for me lately, I have a home, friends, family. The only thing I need now is my own theme song. : '''Bobo:''' I got your Theme Song. Phbt! Phbt! ''[Bobo makes farting noises.]'' : '''Rex:''' I'm serious. Every hero should have a theme song. I've been working on one. Thought you probably wouldn't hear over the ringing in your ears. It started when the nanites went “Ka-Pow!” upon the scene Transforming all the life on earth like nothing that you’ve seen. But there’s one lucky Hombre who can make them build machines, He's Gen Rex! Ohh! : '''Six:''' ''[Six kicks Rex backwards]'' Its... Catchy. It's good to see you happy, Rex. Just remember this world, right now, all of those things can be taken away in an instant. : '''Rex:''' If that's your attempt to inspire me, Six, you need a little more practice yourself. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How quickly can we get to Manhattan? : ''[Young Woman gasps]'' : '''Young Woman:''' Providence! It'll be okay now, sweetie. : '''Black Knight:''' Doctor Salazar, What am I looking at? : '''Caesar:''' You want the truth? For the first time since I was six years old, I haven't a clue what I'm looking at. : '''Rex:''' What is going on here? : '''Bobo:''' Don't know, but I wish I'd brought my tanning butter. : '''Six:''' Cut the chatter. : '''Rex:''' I would, but ripping on Black Knight is the only thing keeping me from freaking out. This isn't our usual deal. Just make sure Providence doesn't shoot me in my butt while I'm off saving theirs. Huh? So... I smash that? Ohh! : '''Bobo:''' Coming back around, kid. I think it likes you. : '''Rex:''' Holiday, what is it, and where do I hit it? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I don't know. I-- Wait. I'm picking up Bio-organic energy inside the event. : ''[A mysterious figure came out of the event, Rex immediately responded and then releases his Smack Hands, but the mysterious figure caught Rex's attack and then counter attacked. Thus, sending Rex flying.]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Have anything to say for yourself before I commence with the face-stomping? : '''Humungousaur:''' Yeah. You just made a humungous mistake! : ''[Humungousaur grunts]'' : ''[Humumgousaur grunts]'' : '''Humungousaur:''' Stay down if you know what's good for you. : '''Rex:''' I'll show you what I'm good at, feo! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, I'm getting more fluctuations in the event. Something's coming out. : '''Rex:''' I see it, doc. : ''[A creature flies out of the portal]'' : '''Humungousaur:''' ''[after being hit]'' You and your partners call it quits right now, and I'll keep the powder rising to a minimum! : '''Rex:''' I was gonna say the same thing, only in Spanish! ''[hits Humungosaur again]'' ''[Humungosaur goes flying]'' ''[talking to Agent Six]'' : '''Rex:''' You take the hunk of junk, Six! "Big ugly" is mine! : '''Humungousaur:''' Hmm. You wanna learn the hard way? Lesson one-- Dangerous aliens are not welcome on my planet! : '''Black Pawn:''' Black Knight, target locked and weapons are charged. Firing on your mark. : '''Black Knight:''' Keep everything we've got focused on that rift. Nothing else comes out of there. Pawns, get those EVOs alive. I need answers. Caesar-- : '''Caesar:''' The physics are amazing. Like a star in collapse, it-- I'll buzz you back. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't hang up on me, Caesar. Bring Salazar to me-- Now! : '''White Knight:''' Hands full? My team is here to help. You'd be well advised to let them. : '''Black Knight:''' You'd be well advised to get off my screens, White Knight. I'll see you tried for treason. : '''White Knight:''' While you're filing the paperwork, we'll be saving New York. Join us or stay out of our way! : ''[Rex coughs]'' : '''Rex:''' You can punch. I'll give you that. : ''[Humungousaur groans]'' : '''Humungousaur:''' You alien wannabes should know better by now-- Mess with Ben, you get the ten. : '''Rex:''' Aliens?! The ten?! Great-- Another insane EVO. Providence is all over your energy-weapon whatever, so let's see if I can't knock some normal back into you. : '''Humungousaur:''' Good luck with that. Ugh! : '''Rex:''' Okay. That's weird. : ''[Diamondhead grunts]'' : '''Diamondhead:''' What did you just do to me? : '''Rex:''' Not sure, but I like it. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Holiday, are you seeing this? "Creature feature" just went bling on me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be careful, Rex. This is something we've never seen before. : ''[Diamondhead grunts]'' : '''Diane Farrah:''' Diane Farrah, broadcasting to you live from what appears to be the end of the world. : '''Alpha:''' So many of us. What has happened here? : '''Six:''' Holiday, what am I looking at here? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Preliminary scans say non-organic. It appears to be entirely mechanical. I'll need a closer look. : '''Six:''' I'll see what I can do. : ''[Diamondhead coughs]'' : '''Diamondhead:''' Lucky punch. : '''Rex:''' Don't believe in luck. Now hold still so I can cure you. : '''Diamondhead:''' You're talking crazy, and I'm not sick. We're wasting time. : '''Lodestar:''' Metal, meet magnetism. : '''Rex:''' Magnets, huh? Well, there's no metal in pavement. : '''Lodestar:''' Aah! : '''Six:''' It's gone, but I found this. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm not exactly sure what we're looking at here. I don't even know if this is made with an element I've ever seen before. Getting some kind of a residual nanite signature, but this is definitely not an EVO. Caesar-- We could use a little help here. What is it? : '''Caesar:''' The fragment came from the machine. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can you tell us anything about it? : '''Caesar:''' Yes, but not right now. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' For the record, most scientists are not like that. : '''Alpha:''' Him. Father?! : '''Six:''' We're not finished yet. : '''Lodestar:''' Ow! : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Rex and Lodestar:''' Time-out! Innocents! : '''Diane Farrah:''' Thank you. You-- Who are you? : '''Rath:''' Seriously?! I'm the cat who's all that-- The Rath attack! There are about a hundred other things. : '''Rex:''' Time-in! Thanks for the assist, but say adios to your nanites for real, El Gato. : '''Rath:''' Will you stop that? : '''Rex:''' You... you're not an EVO?! : '''Rath:''' Let me tell you something, robot boy! I have no clue where an EVO is. I'm just trying to do my thing. : '''Rex:''' Destroy our city? : '''Rath:''' Destroy?! You really haven't heard off me? : '''Ben:''' I'm Ben Tennyson. Ben 10? Like, the biggest hero in the world? : '''Rex:''' Six! : '''Six:''' Everybody down! : '''Rex:''' Six! Six, hold on! Holiday, Six is down! Six is down! This is all your fault! Holiday? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I'm doing everything I can, Rex. We have to focus on the bigger picture. Six would want us to. : '''Rex:''' Figures the only time I do what Six would want, he's in a coma. : '''White Knight:''' I'll be having the pleasure of helping Providence figure out how to close the rift. The rest of you can deal with that machine. : '''Rex:''' It got blown to bits along with Six, remember? : '''White Knight:''' Don't be so sure. Someone needs to find out what that is and where it went. : '''Ben:''' I can do that. : '''Bobo:''' You-- Ain't doing nothing but sitting pretty and shutting up. : '''Rex:''' And if Six of them pull through, you won't even be able to do that. : '''Ben:''' I'm sorry about your friend, honestly. Obviously, he's important to you. But I have no clue what's even happening here. I've never heard of Providence or EVOs or-- One minute I'm doing a TV interview. The next, hole in the ky, flash a light and I'm punching out a mecha monster. Then I end up in a world where nobody knows me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He might actually be telling the truth. Ben's nanite absorption level indicates he came through that rift without any. : '''Rex:''' I thought White Knight was the only living thing on Earth that's nanite-free. : '''Ben:''' So you mean I have those things in me now? Great. Where's my space suit? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll live. Still doesn't explain how you got here. : '''Ben:''' We're probably looking at a parallel world thing. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Parallel worlds are a theory, and a shaky one at that. : '''Ben:''' Are you serious? I go home all the time. Maybe if you knew where that mech alien was from, it might help prove-- : '''Rex:''' Quit talking! : '''Ben:''' Exactly. Nothing's gonna get answered sitting around here. : '''Rex:''' In case you hadn't noticed, we're holding you under house arrest. : '''Ben:''' You aren't holding me. I was staying to see how I could help. : '''Big Chill:''' You aren't the only person worried about someone close to you. : '''Rex:''' I got this. : '''White Knight:''' Rex, don't! I hate kids. : '''Caesar:''' Nanite Cloud. These are being drawn in from the atmosphere. Now where are you? So it is you. This is most disturbing. : '''Rex:''' Why don't you just go back where you came from? : '''Big Chill:''' I'm trying to, you do? Oh no. : '''Rex:''' What? : '''Ben:''' Mr. Smoothie isn't here. That's messed up. : '''Rex:''' My partner is in a coma. If you're stressing over a frozen drink, you are totally getting punk-fusted. : '''Ben:''' We're in Bellwood, my hometown, where it should be. But it's all different. Part of me hoped it wouldn't be, but this pretty much proves it. : '''Rex:''' This doesn't prove anything! : '''Ben:''' You know the friend you care about? Well, I have a cousin, a grandfather, a best friend that I care about! They don't exist here! I may never see them again! I'm totally alone! So go ahead! Do your worst. : '''Rex:''' Maybe we can... help each other. : '''Ben:''' You'd do that? What's that sound? : '''Rex:''' My brother. : '''Ben:''' Is he like you? : '''Rex:''' Uh, no. Caesar's a little crazy and he's working for the wrong side, but, otherwise, not so bad. : '''Ben:''' What constitutes "not so bad" here on opposite world? : '''Caesar:''' No! We need that! : '''Rex:''' To blow my head off? : '''Caesar:''' To stop that! : '''Rex:''' What is that? : '''Caesar:''' A bad, bad thing. : '''Alpha:''' Why would you speak of me so, father? I am your Alpha. I came home. You are pleased? : '''Caesar:''' No. Not especially. : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Alpha:''' What has happened here? Why so many brothers? : '''Caesar:''' We had an accident. : '''Alpha:''' The bodies I built, father-- they still do not last. But my brothers are free. I can control them. They could help make me complete. Aah! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stay back! : '''Alpha:''' I am still weak, father. I need more. Will you help me live? : '''Caesar:''' I don't believe so, Alpha. : '''Alpha:''' That... is a very disappointing response. : '''Diamondhead:''' Then you really won't like this one! : ''[Diamondhead grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' Don't let it touch him! : '''Alpha:''' You control nanites, yet you are human. How is this possible? Tell me the secret. : '''Rex:''' Uh, Caesar... What is that thing? Why did it call you "father"? : '''Caesar:''' It's migrating. We have to follow it-- Now! These were gathered from the area of the space-time rift, and you'll find them everywhere Alpha goes. : '''Ben:''' I take it those are nanites? : '''Caesar:''' Dead nanites, drained by the entity you just fought and, incidentally, the thing that dragged you here from your Earth. : '''Rex:''' His Earth? He really is from a parallel world? : '''Ben:''' Science class much? : '''Caesar:''' I believe it's been searching for a way home. It was possibly attracted to your weapon before it found its way here. A powerful device, no doubt. : '''Ben:''' It's called the Ultimatrix. It has the DNA of a million aliens. : '''Rex:''' Ri-i-i-ght. Aliens. And leprechauns gave me these goggles! I'm curious how big brother knows about something from a parallel dimension. : '''Caesar:''' Because I sent it there. In the early days of the Nanite Program, our goal was simple- - Construct micromachines to cure diseases, grow new cells, regenerate bones. But there was a control issue. Some thought a human-machine link was the answer. Others proposed that the machines could control themselves. I was in the latter camp. I developed the Alpha to command other nanites. To maximize its effectiveness, I had to program Alpha to think for itself. : '''Ben:''' Does a long explanation mean something bad on your Earth, too? : '''Rex:''' Yep. : '''Caesar:''' Alpha developed its own consciousness. It evolved into a unique life form and wanted a body, but whatever it built burnt out. So, when Alpha attempted possessing living things, Alpha had to be eliminated. So, I built a dimensional disruptor. : '''Ben:''' That sounds like a Null Void gun. We've got those on my Earth, too. : '''Caesar:''' I designed it to send the Alpha to an empty space where it wouldn't do any more damage. That's what I was attempting to do again-- Until you destroyed it. : '''Ben:''' But the Null Void isn't empty. It's a prison for intergalactic criminals. : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. I see. Then, clearly, it found a host within a mechanical one. Alpha did always have a way with machines. It's been gaining mass and energy from machines and other nanites. It's able to stabilize a host body, there's no limit to the amount of damage it can cause. : '''Rex:''' So, just cook up another bazooka thingy, and let's go zap it! : '''Caesar:''' Too late for that, Rex! Ilo siento, mijo! : '''Rex:''' Tell me that's a new weapon! Caesar! Eww! Do... you... have any idea what it smells like in there, dude? : '''Ben:''' I'm sure you can handle a little arborian musk to save your nuts and bolts... Dude. : '''Rex:''' Sorry. Thanks. I'm just-- Ugh! This day started off perfectly. Now there's aliens, my partner's in a coma, and my brother's trying to kill me. : '''Ben:''' Maybe he was trying to protect us. Alpha was right there, and now it's not. : '''Rex:''' You're one of those glass-half-full guys, aren't you? : '''Ben:''' Here on "Crazy Earth", why not? : '''Rex:''' Holiday is Six--? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He's the same, but the Knights have figured out how to close the Rift. You need to get Mister Ten back to New York if he ever wants to see his home again. : '''Rex:''' Figures. Just when I almost considered liking you. : '''Ben:''' Hold on a second. You think I'm leaving you like this? This might not be my Earth, but it's still Earth-- Sort of. : '''Rex:''' Thanks, but this is my problem, not yours. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need you back at base. It's here. ===Heroes United, Part 2=== :'''Alpha:''' Come to me, my siblings. :''[Dr. Holiday smooches]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I'll be back. :'''Alpha:''' The nanites in those creatures-- They are different, powerful. Your nanites are weak. I have no use for you. Where is the boy? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His nanites are off limits! :''[Dr. Holiday straining]'' :''[Dr. Holiday groans]'' :'''Rex:''' Feel like giving me a hand? :'''Ben:''' How about four? :'''Rex:''' I'm starting to like the way you think, Ben 10. :''[Four Arms grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Alpha:''' You cannot keep me from what I seek. :'''Rex:''' My brother? Look around! He's not here! :'''Alpha:''' The father is redundant now that I found you. :'''Rex:''' Aah! :'''Alpha:''' I cannot merge! What makes you so special, human? Yes! You shelter an Omega. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Ya-a-a-h! That was my leg! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Your move. :'''Ben:''' This brother wants to blow you up, and she's your friend? You might be safer on my Earth. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex can lose his builds relatively pain-free. :'''Ben:''' Are you seriously gonna just wait around? :'''Rex:''' It wants nanites-- My nanites. Holiday thinks it'll come back for me, but, yeah, I'd rather go after the thing, knock it into another dimension. :'''Ben:''' But your bio-whatevers need a break. I get it. :'''Bobo:''' Ya missed. :'''Ben:''' At least you hit the rim that time. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, thanks. :'''Ben:''' So, what's happened to you, anyways? :'''Rex:''' I was gonna ask you the same thing. :'''Ben:''' It started when the Omnitrix fell out of the sky. I was ten years old. :'''Rex:''' Six years ago, the Nanite Event changed everything. :'''Ben:''' And there's alien DNA in the Omnitrix. :'''Rex:''' And that's how I can build stuff with the micromachines in my body. :'''Ben:''' Now Kevin, Gwen, and I are the plumbers. :'''Rex:''' Plumbers? I thought "Providence" was a dumb name. :''[Rex and Ben laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' Nice assist. :'''Ben:''' That's how we get it done. :'''White Knight:''' Satscan just picked up the Alpha. It's at the bug jar. :'''Rex:''' The bug jar is shielded. :'''White Knight:''' Not anymore. :'''Rex:''' So much for waiting. Let's do this! :''[Ben sniffs]'' :'''Ben:''' Why does my jacket smell like bananas? :'''Rex:''' Ugh! This feels tight. :'''Bobo:''' You guys are our best hope? We're doomed. :'''Ben:''' If this is the bug jar-- :'''Rex:''' Then where are the bugs? :'''Diamondhead:''' Whoa. What do you call that? :'''White Knight:''' I call it the entire nanite population of the bug jar. :'''Alpha:''' The power to change life itself-- What foolishness to give my brothers such a command. :'''Rex:''' Preaching into the choir, buddy. :'''White Knight:''' Don't let it get to Rex! If it drains his nanites-- :'''Diamondhead:''' Game over-- Understood. :'''Rex:''' It already tried to eat me. That didn't work. :'''White Knight:''' That thing was made to control machines, and until it burns through them, it's got every active nanite in the bug jar at its command. You think you can stop that? :'''Rex and Diamondhead:''' We can try! :'''Ben:''' That thing just hacked my watch! :'''Rex:''' You're going to run out of nanites eventually. :'''Alpha:''' Incorrect, Thanks to the one thing left on this Earth that can create them-- Your Omega. They thought it could replace me. Now it will make me whole. :'''Rex:''' Aah! I could use an alien right now! :''[White Knight screams]'' :'''Ben:''' Great idea, but a certain nanite monster busted my watch! :'''Rex:''' Do something-- Anything! Do something better! :'''Ben:''' I could try calling it names! :'''Rex:''' Let... me... go! Aah! :''[Rex breathing heavily]'' :'''Rex:''' As long as I fight it, it's like the Alpha and Omega cancel each other out. :'''Alpha:''' An alternate path is required. :'''Ben:''' Aah! Stop! He did it again! :'''Rex:''' No! It's worse! :'''Alpha:''' Your machine is most interesting. Perhaps within I can find a suitable host. :''[Alpha Heatblast roars]'' :'''Ben:''' Can he do that? :'''Rex:''' I think he just did. :'''Ben and Rex''': Aah! :'''Ben:''' I think you're really fried at this time. Aah! :'''Rex:''' Hey! It's me you want. :'''Alpha Heatblast:''' You presume so much, brother. Organics who rely on machines for their power, I don't need. The machines themselves-- Now, those I will have. :'''Rex:''' Machines not sold separately, Alfalfa. And stop calling me your brother! :''[Alpha Four Arms growls]'' :'''Ben:''' Okay. You've got to admit that looks pretty cool. Should I try those insults now? :''[Alpha Four Arms growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Aah! Ugh! :''[Shocksquatch roars]'' :'''Shocksquatch''': Wow, this is unexpected. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Well, blast it or something! :'''Shocksquatch:''' I have no idea what this alien does. I've never seen it before. :'''Rex:''' You're not filling me with confidence. :''[Shocksquatch grunts]'' :'''Shocksquatch:''' Ohh, yeah! Ye-e-e-s! Yes! Yes! :'''Ben:''' No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Oh, man! :''[Alpha Humungousaur growls]'' :'''Rex:''' Your faceplate's fractured, White. Get out of here before it cracks through. :'''White Knight:''' Not a chance. Six would have your back. I'm here in his place. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, your biometrics are dangerously low. You need to get away. :'''Rex:''' Listen to me, Alpha controls nanites. So do I. Why don't I just shut him down? :'''Ben:''' Hey, Jerk-asaur! You're a loser! Ha! You see that? Hero Time! :'''Rath:''' Oh, yeah! Let's cause some pain! :'''White Knight:''' Wait! Not while they're linked! :'''Rath:''' Oh, you did not just stop me! :'''Alpha:''' The power you hold is impressive. :'''Rex:''' You mean the power to kick your butt? :'''Alpha:''' The power to create machines. You are not worthy of such a gift. The Omega nanite is mine. :'''Rath:''' Aaah! Take this and this! What do you think of what?! :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Alpha:''' I misguided to place my trust in a father that did not want me. I never needed him. I simply needed the energy and means to do what I have always done-- Evolve. :'''Ben:''' You okay? :'''Rex:''' No. Definitely not okay. It took my Omega nanite, and I think I know what I wants. :'''Alpha:''' Behold, organics... The beginning and the end of all things. I am Alpha-Omega. This is the twilight of humanity. Alpha-Omega destroys all. :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Rex:''' Holiday, are you seeing this? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Unfortunately, yes. We're not looking at random destruction. Alpha is synthesizing the matter around him to build his own nanite. :'''Rex:''' Thanks to my Omega nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This isn't your fault, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Sure feels like it. I woke up this morning on top of the world. Now I'm about to witness the end of it. Six was right. :'''Ben:''' I don't think this is how it was meant to play out. I've seen what you can do. :'''Rex:''' My most powerful builds came from the Omega nanite. A lot of people are going to get hurt, and I can't stop it. What happens when the best you can do just... isn't enough? :'''Ben:''' You get an Upgrade. :'''Rex:''' Weren't you listening? Alpha has the Omega. :'''Ben:''' I'm not talking about a nanite. :''[Transforms into Upgrade]'' :'''Rex:''' Hey! What are you-- ''[Upgrade merges with Rex]'' Whoa! Okay. That feels weird. ''[Upgrade covers Rex's body like a suit]'' Whoa! What supposed to happen now? ''[Upgrade's head appears on Rex's left shoulder]'' Aah! Ohh! Don't do that! You're freaking me out! :'''Upgrade:''' Build something! :'''Rex:''' ''[Builds a Smack Arm, which is modified by Upgrade]'' Sa-weet! So, what's the plan? :'''Upgrade:''' You build stuff, I make it better, fight, fight, fight, we win! :'''Rex:''' Works for me! ''[Rex builds a Boogie Pack and blasts off]'' WHOO-HOO! :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Rex:''' Ye-e-e-ah! :'''Upgrade:''' Nice shot, Rex! Run, run, run, run, run, run, run! :''[Alpha-Omega screams]'' :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :'''Rex and Ben:''' Aah! Oof! :''[Rex and Ben groaning]'' :'''Rex:''' We need a direct hit on the Alpha. :'''Ben:''' More insults? I've got a good one. :'''Rex:''' I've got an idea, but you have to trust me. When I fire, you've got to make your roly-poly thing. :'''Ben:''' You're not thinking of-- :'''Rex:''' Yup. :'''Ben:''' Isn't that dangerous? :'''Rex:''' Probably. :'''Ben:''' On three? :'''Rex:''' I've officially decided I like you, monster guy. :'''Ben:''' Same here, robot kid. One-- :'''Rex:''' Two-- Three! :''[Alpha-Omega roars]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' WOO-HOO! Yeah! Oh, yeah! He shoots! He scores! WHOO! And the crowd goes wild! :''[Rex imitates crowd cheering]'' :'''Rex:''' Whoa, there, little nanite brothers. Where do you think you're going? Alpha's not the only one who can tell you what to do. :'''Ben:''' Isn't your Omega Nanite going to be in there, too? :'''Caesar:''' I'll handle that. Where are you, little guy? Got it! Look! It worked! :'''Ben:''' And that, my friend, is how you save the world. :'''Caesar:''' Very clever, little brother. The density of this sphere is over thirty grams per centimeter cubed. It would be extremely difficult for Alpha to slip through the molecules of this, assuming it survived compaction. We need to get rid of it. :'''Rex:''' Caesar, wait! :'''Caesar:''' Rex, I wasn't fully able to repair the Void gun. I'm not sure how long my repairs will hold before it discharges. We only get one shot at this, and we have to do it fast. It's now or never, Rex. :'''Rex:''' How are you going to carry it? That thing must weigh ten tons! :'''Ben:''' I'm not going to carry it. :'''Upchuck:''' Let's do this again someday. :''[Upchuck munching]'' :''[Upchuck gulping]'' :'''Rex:''' Wow! That's just-- Wow! Six? :'''Bobo:''' He's gone. :'''Rex:''' ''[Weakly]'' Gone? :'''Bobo:''' To the little ninja's room. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's going to be fine, Rex. :'''Rex:''' He is?! All right! Yes! Oh, man, I knew it! I knew the whole time! :''[Rex laughs]'' :'''Rex:''' I mean... cool. I'm glad you're alive! :'''Six:''' Me too. :'''Rex:''' I was so scared, Six. I've never done anything so hard in all my life. I really thought the world was going to end, And then I totally kicked butt! :'''Six:''' I hear you had a little help. :'''Rex:''' Yeah, when his monster watch wasn't conked out. Ben was a cool kid. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' With infinite dimensions, the math doesn't work in your favor, Rex. :'''Bobo:''' Math-- The enemy of all things good. :'''Six:''' Although-- The cosmos works in mysterious ways. I think certain people are meant to meet, to fight side by side, to be friends. You may see one another sooner than you think. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Caesar?! How did you...? :'''Caesar:''' Okay. Before White Knight comes looking for me here, one last piece of unfinished business. :'''Rex:''' You're sure this is the Omega, right? I mean, you didn't grab the Alpha by mistake? :'''Caesar:''' 100% certain. Well, actually 99.998%. Nothing is 100%. ===Phantom of the Soap Opera=== :'''Rex Salazar:''' In a world he never chose and barely understands... ''[Rex looks over the countryside from a cliff, jumps and lands in a snow scene]'' One incredibly good looking guy fights for us all. His name...you know it baby...Rex. ''[jumps into a lake scene]'' Forget train wrecks... ''[punches]'' And car wrecks... ''[kicks]'' Nothing brings the pain like this Rex. ''[runs into city scene. EVO walks down street, Rex runs up, jumps, grabs EVO's head and tears it off. Holds it over his head in victory gesture.]'' :'''Actor in costume:''' Yeah, yeah, that's hilarious kid. :'''Noah Nixon:''' Ah, anytime you want to stop trying to get me fired get back to the tour. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. Got caught up in the moment. :'''Actor in costume:''' Ah, dude? :''[Rex puts head back on the man in EVO costume.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' And on your left, the sound stage where they make the hit TV show Middle School Talent show. :''[Teen girls on tour squeal and run towards it.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' That's a closed set. ''[Noah pulls on his hair]'' C'mon, this is my first week as a page, I could lose my job! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got this. ''[pulls girls back from stage with turbines]'' I just don't get girls, how come they get so... ''[notices something behind Noah, acts all excited]'' Huh hu oh huh... oh El Amor de la Pasion del Amor! Why didn't you tell me EADLPDA was made here? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Um, probably because I didn't really believe you actually still watch a soap opera. :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's a telenovela. The actresses are smoking hot. And I don't have cable?...ah c'mon dude don't be a hater. ''[crosses arms]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Whatever. We're not going in there, they get like ten safety violations a week, no one's allowed in accept crew and studio staff. :'''Rex Salazar:''' You mean like pages? ''[Brushes Noah's shoulder with his hand, smiling. Noah brushes his hand away.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' No way. My boss is a total butt-buster for the rules and she is always watching. ''[makes binocular with his hands]'' :'''Head Page:''' You got that right bub. ''[Rex looks behind him, and jumps away]'' By the way Page, you lose something? ''[has three girls from Noah's tour group tied up in a rope]'' Found these wandering over by Middle School Talent Show. ''[Noah runs over and unties them, rope falls]'' :'''Head Page:''' ''[points to her left eye]'' I got my one good eye on you, Nixon. :''[On set of telenovela]'' :''[Isabella crying]'' :'''Reymundo:''' Pensabas que yo era tu marido. ¡Pero fue una mentira! Pero la verdad es que soy Reymundo, el hermano diabólico de Reynaldo. :'''Isabella:''' Yo sé, pero todavía te amo. :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[standing by salad bar in cafeteria looking up at TV screen]'' How can anyone say that's not great! :''[Man in cowboy hat tips his hat to Noah]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa? Celebrities know you? :''[There are drinks on their trays at this point, then in the next frame there are no drinks on their trays and they go over to get drinks.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' The only one here who knows my name is my boss. I'm just a newb on an internship. :''[Blond girl puts her hand on Noah's shoulder and reaches across him to get a soda, walks away, looks back and gives him a finger gun.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Yeah right, you just got a finger gun from TV weather lady Summer Sonnenshine. :'''Noah Nixon:''' It's the page jacket not me, if you put this thing on everyone would think you work here. Still. I gotta admit it's pretty cool. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Y'know, I didn't even know you'd applied for this. But I guess when you jump ahead in time you gotta expect some surprises...OH MY GOSH... ''[drops tray]'' It's Isabella, from El Amor del Pasion del Amor. :''[Rex throws up his arms, knocks tray into Noah's chest spilling it all over his jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' AHHH! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I know she's even hotter in real life than she is on the... :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[looks down at tray and jacket]'' Ohhhhh... :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, okay don't worry... :'''Head Page:''' ''[yelling at another page behind Rex]'' You call yourself a page! :'''Rex:''' Okay worry. ''[puts his fingers together]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' This is a huge violation of the dress code, oh I am so fired! :'''Rex Salazar:''' No you're not. Come on, move! :''[They run to a supply closet.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' I've gotta lead another tour in forty-five minutes. We can't get to a dry cleaners and back in forty-five minutes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is my bad, but I can fix this. ''[Noah panicking, rocking and hyperventilating]'' We just have to calm down and think. Just calm down. ''[Rex points at Noah]'' Noah, calm down! :''[Rex grabs a bottle of pickles off the shelf, opens the lid and throw contents of jar at Noah's head. A pickle ends up in Noah's mouth, he spits it out.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Not helping. ''[Noah, calm now and not hyperventilating and rocking, wipes pickle juice out of his eyes.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, listen we passed the wardrobe department on the tour, they've gotta have a washer and dryer right? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Uh... yeah, I guess? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Alright, good, give me your outfit and stay put, I'll take care of everything else. :''[Scene change. Sign which says laundry stages commissary.]'' :''[Rex runs towards laundry, passes stage of telenovela. Grins and stops. Looks into open door. Looks down at soiled jacket. Up at stage doorway. Walks away. Runs back and grins bigger. Walks into stage with Noah's jacket on.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-- :'''Isabella:''' Finally! You are here! :''[Isabella kisses Rex all over his face.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' This is happening, right? I'm not going to wake up and be making out with my pillow again am I? :'''Isabella:''' Come with me, they want to cancel us you know. That's why the studio puts us here in this place falling apart with all the accidentes. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Soap operas do not get the respect they deserve. :'''Isabella:''' You are very wise for your age. We don't even go backstage anymore. Too dangerous. :''[A silhouette of a rat is seen, it squeaks]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Is that our page? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh... :''[Rex falls]'' :'''Isabella:''' He's mine, I saw him first! :''[Rex gets up and Isabella grabs him.]'' :'''Isabella:''' He is mine!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hum? :'''Beatriz:''' Why don't we let him decide? :'''[Rex is being pulled back and forth]'' :'''Isabella:''' You would like that wouldn't you? :'''Beatriz:''' Yes I would! Very much. :'''Isabella:''' Fine. :''[Girls growl at each other and walk away.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[grinning]'' Did they just cat-fight over me? :''[The girls come back with lists.]'' :'''Isabella:''' Here is a list of what I need you to do! :'''Beatriz:''' And here's mine! :'''Rex Salazar:''' You want me to work on the show? :'''Beatriz:''' Claro que si, we haven't had a page on set in ages. :'''Rex Salazar:''' But I'm not ... ''[looks over the girls]'' ...able to think of one reason why I would pass this up. :''[Screen cuts to Noah looking out the door. He sees the chief page and closes the door quickly, after that, the scene changes back to Rex carrying boxes of water with yogurt on top.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I got your yogurt, but I couldn't find the water you wanted. So I got these. :'''Isabella:''' You are dead to me! But I will take this one. ''[takes yogurt]'' :''[Rex stares in shock and drops the boxes full of water.]'' :''[Old man walks in a dressing room, and Reynaldo comes out soon later.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, it's Reynaldo! Uh, coffee? ''[offers him a mug of coffee]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Gracias. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Leche? :'''Reynaldo:''' How dare you! I am lactose intolerant. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh, okay, didn't know that. Sugar? :''[Reynaldo knocks the sugar out of his hand.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Real men take their coffee strong and hot. Are you suggesting that I am not a real man? :''[Rex looks around and the phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex, where are you? :'''Reynaldo:''' No phone! ''[Reynaldo knocks the phone out of his hand.]'' You will talk to me face to face. Mano a mano! ''[grabs Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait what are you... ''[Reynaldo pulls Rex away from table. Stage light falls where Rex was standing]'' ...Oh, thanks! :''[Everyone runs up to them.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' Not another accidente! :'''Isabella:''' ''[scared]'' Ay. Dios mio! No! :'''Rex Salazar:''' It's okay, I'm fine. :'''Isabella:''' ''[pushes Rex down]'' My jogurt! :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'd hate to be the guy that has to clean that up... ''[whispers to man though they look at him]'' Oh. ''[Reynaldo hands him the mop.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' If I didn't know better, I'd say that someone was trying to kill us. :'''Reynaldo:''' Someone is. The head of the studio is trying to kill our soap opera. That's why he put us in this accursed stage, with all these accidentes. But we... ''[another stage light falls and hits his head, he falls to the ground]'' Aahh... Por que? Ay. :''[Rex looks up and sees a mongoose...runs after it...goes backstage. Sees clowns and a sign saying “Mongo”.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ugh! Clowns. :''[The mongoose squeaks.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Lemme guess. You're the one who's been causing all the accidents. :''[Mongo growls, bears teeth]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Okay, let's say we can wrap this up quietly. Last thing I need is someone wondering why the guy in the page jacket can do this. ''[wraps Mongo up in the whip thing, Mongo gets tiny, escapes, growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Guess that explains how you've been able to hide out back here. ''[Mongo pulls lever cannon comes out of floor and fires at Rex. Platform falls Rex dodges. Mongo squeaks]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Can we please do this a little more quietly and with a lot less YOU trying to kill me? :''[Mongo jumps into the “O” of his name on the sign.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Wait, that's you, isn't it? You just want your job back. I can help you. ''[reaches in and tries to cure him Mongo runs out and traps Rex's hand]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Enough with the booby traps, I'm trying to help you. ''[Mongo sets off another trap]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uh-oh. [makes big fist, weight on rope swings and hits Rex, makes noise] :'''Beatriz:''' What's going on back there? :'''Isabella:''' Where is that page? I am beginning to wonder ...HOW LONG IS IT GOING TO TAKE FOR HIM TO CLEAN UP MY JOGURT!!!! :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Getting thrown around back stage]'' Ouch. ''[gets beat up by mechanical clowns]'' :''[Mongo cuts stars from ceiling they fall and cut Rex's jacket]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Ok, New plan-- First I smash your face, then I cure you. :''[Mongo knocks over equipment]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. ''[grabs equipment, Mongo jumps on his arm, punches him and he falls]'' Oww! Look out! :''[Actors run from set, Rex falls and smashes set]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Uhh, okay here's the deal—all the accidents you've been having they were caused by an EVO backstage. It used to be a mongoose and now it wants it's old job back. ''[last wall of stage set falls behind him]'' :'''Beatriz:''' What are jou talking about? :'''Isabella:''' We just saw you ruin our set. :'''Reynaldo:''' You are trying to destroy this soap opera just like the rest of them! It is true what they say, this sound stage must be cursed for us to have such a horrible page such as you, Senior... ''[looks at name badge]'' Noah Nixon. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Whoa, wait. This isn't Noah's fault. :''[Three actors gasps]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' ''[tears off his own shirt]'' Now you insult us by talking about yourself in the third person! Somehow we must rebuild and finish our shoot! But as soon as we do, Noah Nixon, I will have you fired! :''[Workers fixing set, Rex's phone rings.]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Rex! Finally. How's the jacket? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Umm. Well, the good news is you won't notice the stain anymore. Hey uh, by the way, your page training, did it include anything about the creepy backstage in studio B? :'''Noah Nixon:''' What? Why are you-- :'''Rex Salazar:''' No reason. I was just thinking, hypothetically, what would happen if I used your jacket to take a quick peek at the telenovela and ended up chasing some killer EVO mongoose? Hypothetically... Uh...Noah? :'''Noah Nixon:''' Sorry, just trying to figure out how to tell my parents I have no future. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey I got this. I hit a little snag. Just keep your pants on. :'''Noah Nixon:''' ''[sitting the maintenance closet in his underwear]'' Heh! :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry, look, you don't have anything to worry about all I have to do is catch the EVO before they finish shooting and clear my... your name. :'''Noah Nixon:''' You know what? I'm not worried. I am completely resigned to the fact that I am losing my job. ''[Noah hangs up on Rex. Rex hears dial tone.]'' :'''Beatriz:''' ''[to Reynaldo]'' You are bleeding! :'''Reynaldo:''' What I am is an actor! We must shoot this scene. We cannot let them cancel us! ''[moans and falls on his face crushing a chair]'' :'''Beatriz:''' You cannot go on. :'''Isabella:''' If only there were someone else here who knows our show, is fluent in Spanish, and will do a scene in which he kisses me. :'''Rex Salazar:''' I'll do it!!! :'''Reynaldo:''' You? The one who ruined our set and lied about the EVO? I'd rather die! But then, my life will surely end if the show is canceled, so maybe... But no! It's impossible. But yet, what is more impossible than a dream. Nothing means more than my dream of saving this telenovela! :'''Rex Salazar:''' So, is that a-- :'''Reynaldo:''' Si. You will be our savior. And then I will have you fired. Accion! :''[Rex is dressed as Reynaldo. Takes Isabella in his arms and looks deep into her eyes, smiles..then turns away, sees Mongo and gasps. Isabella pulls his face back to her and puckers for a kiss. Mongo squeaks and runs out the door and Rex turns his eyes towards it.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[thinking]'' Okay no kiss, but you're gonna save Noah's job! ''[groans]'' Nope. Doesn't make it any better. ''[Runs out Isabelle runs after him, trips on his wig and falls to the ground gasping, reaching after him]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[makes Rex Ride to chase Mongo down alley. Runs into a set. Falls]'' Where'd you go? :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Page! Take this script to post, pronto. :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey wait, I'm not-- :'''Guy in suit:''' Oh? You're not going to do it? Are you talking back to me Mr.... Nixon? :'''Rex Salazar:''' No. Mr. Nixon is not definitely not talking back to whoever you are. ''[takes script, leaves]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[Points in the other direction of where Rex was going. Rex goes where he's pointing]'' :''[Rex walks by alley hears Mongo munching garbage, sneaks up, tries to cure it. It escapes, Rex corners it in dead end alley]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Oh you're not so tough when you can't hide, are you? ''[Mongo growls and grows huge]'' Oh so you can do that too. ''[Mongo roars, swipes at Rex with claws]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, watch the jacket. I'm in enough trouble already. ''[Sets down scripts. Big fists. Mongo shrinks to escape. Rex falls to the ground. Mongo gets huge again behind him, tries to stomp on Rex, Rex rolls out of the way, Mongo shrinks and runs away, Rex climbs out of hole in ground breathing heavily and falls to ground.]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' ''[walks up]'' Are you kidding me? You still haven't delivered that script? ''[Rex runs off]'' :'''Guy in suit:''' Nixon! ''[points in other direction, Rex runs that way]'' :''[Mongo jumps off roof grows huge lands on Rex, grabs script.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Hey, gimme that! ''[grabs Mongo with big fist throws him into a stage building]'' :''[Rex looks in the hole into the stage.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Sorry. ''[runs off after Mongo]'' :''[Mongo throws him higher than the roof tops, Rex lands on big feet, Mongo tackles him. Rex lands in front of the post building, grabs remains of script out of Mongo's mouth. Mongo runs away, Rex gathers script remains and hands it to man at post door.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' I think this is for you. ''[runs after Mongo]'' :''[Phone rings]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Did you catch it? :'''Rex Salazar:''' Not yet, but I delivered a script for you, well, most of it. :'''Noah Nixon:''' I am so dead. :'''Lady with clipboard:''' ''[grabs Rex by the collar]'' Noah Nixon, you're right on time for your two p.m. tour. ''[Gives Rex clipboard and keys]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' ''[Driving tram with tourists]'' Uh, there's a building where some TV shows are made and there's another one and oh great there's the giant killer EVO. :''[Mongo chasing tram, Rex steps on gas. Tram goes sloooow. Mongo attacks tram. Rex lands, catches tourists with big hands, flies off on hoverboard]'' :'''Tourist:''' They had better special effects at my kids' school play. :''[Back on soap opera stage]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I need a bigger reaction from you. Bigger! :''[Rex crashes through ceiling with Mongo hanging on the bottom of his hoverboard, heading towards Isabella.]'' :''[Isabella screams and covers head, Mongo crashes into set]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' Yes! That's it exactly! :''[Mongo growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' Be careful or you're gonna get the hand. ''[big fists with right hand. Mongo jumps at him, Rex grins and raises his left hand and cures Mongo. Mongo lays on ground cute and unconscious.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' That's not the hand I meant. :''[Actors, stunned, applaud]'' :''[Rex picks up Mongo.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' You are a good page, Noah Nixon. :''[Mongo wakes up runs around on Rex and perches on his shoulder cutely.]'' :''[At supply closet with Noah, Rex walks in holding torn up jacket]'' :'''Noah Nixon:''' Oh, my jacket! ''[Cuddles jacket, then holds it up and glares at Rex through the hole in it. Rex grins guiltily.]'' :''[Head Page walks in, Noah hides jacket, then realizes he is in underwear and tries to hide himself behind jacket.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I got a dozen calls from all over the lot about you, Nixon. I don't know what you were thinking. ''[He sits down, sweat runs down his face, he closes his eyes, frowns, runs head away. Head page grabs him and hugs him.]'' :'''Head Page:''' I'm proud of you, kiddo! It took me sixty seven years to make chief page. I bet you'll get the job in half that time. ''[Noah stands up holding jacket in front of him. Rex and Noah look puzzled Head Page walks to door, turns back]'' :'''Head Page:''' Oh and them soap opera fellas, eh, they got a special reward for you. ''[they look at each other with puzzled frowns]'' :''[Telenovela stage, Noah dressed as Reynaldo. Isabella kisses him.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' And cut! You look differante than you did before, Noah Nixon. ''[Noah looks up at his blond eyebrows and takes off the wig and mustache. Smiles at Reynaldo. Reynaldo looks at him thoughtfully.]'' :'''Reynaldo:''' I can see you've been to makeup. Good you finally look like a real man! ''[Noah smiles.]'' :'''Rex Salazar:''' [peeking in from backstage, makes a jealous face as Noah is laughing together with the actors.] It's okay, it's okay. You're a good friend, you're a good friend. :'''Guy in suit:''' You! Quit talking to yourself and get me some coffee! ''[Rex runs off]'' Nixon! :''[Mongo looking down from rafters]'' ===Riddle of the Sphinx=== :'''Egyptian Guide:''' They uncovered the tunnel during routine sewer work. No one has set foot in here in over 3.500 years. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Providence doesn't work the location yet? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' ''[laughs]'' The antiquities comission does not like this Black Knight. They keep her busy with much paperwork. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The maze looks like it extends for miles. They do that to keep looters out? :'''Egyptian Guide:''' Or to keep something in. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Anything that was trapped in here couldn't be alive after all this time. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' I-I-I must go. :'''Dr. Holiday:''': Watch out! Bobby traps. :'''Egyptian Guide:''' That's not what I'm afraid of. :'''Bobo:''' It's only been a few days since we heard from Holiday. :'''Six:''' Something's wrong. :'''Bobo:''' Maybe she wanted a vacation from you clowns. "Something's wrong." :''[Bobo grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Providence! She in is trouble. :'''Six:''' Black Knight. And she has your better half. :'''Bobo:''' I'm predictin' an awkward situation. :'''Black Knight:''' Hello, Rex. If you came for your friend, I'll have to disappoint you. :'''Rex:''' That hairy creep? You can keep the traitor. Hey! My faithful guide, why don't you go away while we discuss business? :'''Bobo:''' It's me, you dopey tin can! Beat it! Or the boss lady's gonna get wise to our little switcheroo. :'''Rex:''' What's the campout for? :'''Black Knight:''' Routine scientific research. :'''Rex:''' Look, I know Holiday was here. What'd you do with her? :'''Black Knight:''' We arrived an hour ago. The locals say Holiday unleashed a monster down in the tunnels. The situation's under control. As soon as we've secured the tunnels, I'll send a team in to see if she's still alive. :'''Rex:''' I'm going with you. :'''Black Knight:''' You're going nowhere. You quit Providence. Unless you're recosindering? :'''Rex:''' Come on, guide. Holiday's in those tunnels. But Black Knight has a whole battalion of Providence goons guarding the entrance. :'''Six:''' I figured she'd be no help. That's why I found someone who knows a back way in. :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The Kushari is healthy. For the stomach, good. :'''Rex:''' Enough about the Kushari! Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' For so young, you in such a hurry. And old cook like me, I live by selling Kushari. Why not buy some? You buy, I give you more information. :'''Bobo:''' Ah, come on. Stop bein' so stingy. Buy some more. :'''Six:''' Where's the back entrance? :'''Egyptian Cooker:''' The sewer man-- They came to fix a leak. They found the tunnel to the entrance in my basement. :'''Bobo:''' Mmm! :'''Rex:''' Way cool! Maybe we'll see some mummies! :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex:''' Tell us where Holiday is! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Where do you think I am? :'''Six:''' Holiday! :'''Bobo:''' So, what's with the halloween get up, doc? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I found it in one of the chambers. Scares off the curious. I need to get to the bottom of all this before Black Knight. :'''Rex:''' The bottom of what? This is all ancient history? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You can this ancient history? :'''Rex:''' That looks like a nanite! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' That's because it is a nanite. :'''Six:''' How could they have knowledge back then? :'''Rex:''' Aliens! Like the ones that built the pyramids. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' None of this is more advanced that the 21st century. It's not aliens. I think the answers lie behind this door. But I can't figure out how to open it. :'''Rex:''' Open the door? No problem, Doc! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Stop! This whole place is booby-trapped. We open this wrong, they'll bring the tunnels down on us. :'''Rex:''' If there's a wrong way to open it, then that means there's a right way, too. Maybe the nanite picture is a clue. The whole thing is rigged like one. Told you-- No prob. Whoa, mumies. :'''Bobo:''' What are you lookin' at, beautiful? :'''Rex:''' Ha! Awesome! I'd love to see the look on Knight's face when she finds out we've beat her here. :'''Black Knight:''' Then let me step a little closer so you can see. :'''Six:''' How'd you find us? :'''Black Knight:''' Your mole helped me. :'''Bobo:''' Sorry, pal. :'''Black Knight:''' I should have known better. It's old junk from the dead. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Guranset:''' Gharun Set is not dead. :'''Rex:''' Put her down! :'''Black Knight:''' This isn't the time for violence. Our host has forgotten his manners. I presume he hasn't had guests in a long time. :'''Guranset:''' Almost an eternity. Gharun Set said has waited for his release. Awaken this cursed prison through the ages. :'''Black Knight:''' You speak English. That is interesting. Who taught your own language, Gharun Set? :'''Guranset:''' I was taught by the great father. :'''Black Knight:''' Father? What did he look me? :'''Guranset:''' He is dead-- As all of you soon shall be! :'''Black Knight:''' Now's the time for violence. :'''Guranset:''' Aah! :'''Black Knight:''' A nanite disrupter. Something I had your brother's lab whip up. It's quite lethal. :'''Rex:''' Looks like the lab forgot to tell him that. :'''Guranset:''' The boy controls the engines of life? It can't be. I laid low the armies of six kingdoms, swordsman. You think your tiny blades can stop me? :'''Rex:''' Try this one for size! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' His staff is a nanite disrupter. Get it away from him. :'''Rex:''' Easier said than done! :'''Guranset:''' Haah! :'''Rex:''' Oh, mummies! :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, yeah, you got your mummies. I hope you're happy! :'''Six:''' Rex! We can handle this! He's getting away! :'''Guranset:''' One last trap to keep me imprisoned, father. Nothing will keep me from my destiny! You serve his plan, child, and don't even know it. :'''Rex:''' Everybody talk weird in ancient Egypt, or it is just your special thing? Uh... are they supposed to do that? :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Guranset:''' Finally! I am free! :'''Six:''' These EVO's won't say dead. :'''Bobo:''' Their breath stinks, too! Ah, boy! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' You could thank me for saving your life. :'''Black Knight:''' Dr. Holiday, our lives are not safe yet. :'''Guranset:''' I am not alone. Together, we shall reconquer this land, and then.. the world! :'''Rex:''' Uh, I think the sun's baked him loopy. You can't reanimate that. It's a statue. :'''Guranset:''' This is not statue, child. It is a tomb. Arise, my mighty steed. Arise, my sphinx! :'''Rex:''' Providence, this is Rex. You may want to evacuate Cairo. :'''Guranset:''' This city is a blight upon my kingdom. All shall be as it once was. :'''Rex:''' I'm warning you, Gharun Set-- I don't want to have to get rough with you. Step off the pussycat. :'''Guranset:''' You presume to tell a pharaoph what to do. Be gone! :'''Six:''' Holiday. There's something I want to tell you before it's too late. :'''Bobo:''' Ugh. Hold still! Oh, no. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All of them. Like the nanites keeping them alive... self-destructed? I'm sorry. What were you going to say? :'''Six:''' Holiday... I, uh... :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Hold that thought. :'''Bobo:''' What's it gonna be, the kooky chicks or we go help Rex save the world? :'''Six:''' Rex probably has this under control. Holiday needs my-- our help. :'''Bobo:''' Yeah, I can't resist a good catfight either. :'''Rex:''' Let me handle! This it's too dangerous! :'''Pilot:''' Black Knight, target sighted. It's riding a 50-foot-tall house cat. Please advise. :'''Black Knight:''' Do not harm. Contain and capture. We need that specimen. :''[Black Knight gasps]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Pilot disregard. Last order. Target no longer needed. Destroy. Repeat-- Destroy. :'''Pilot:''' You're with the lady. Lock and load. :'''Rex:''' Huh? Whoa! Get out of here! I don't know what he's up to, but it's not good. :'''Garunset:''' Behold the majesty of my dream. My kingdom! My paradise! :'''Rex:''' Whoa! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' What is this place? :'''Black Knight:''' It's the stuff of legends. The fabled hall of records which lay hidden beneath where the sphinx once was. :'''Bobo:''' "Was"? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' This can't be! That's the helix splitter. And that looks like a nano-flux inducer. Caesar built the first prototype of one last year. :'''Black Knight:''' I can't let you touch any of this. It's too unstable with age. When you blundered in the tomb, you set off a safeguard. Someone thought this room too dangerous for the world to know about. :'''Bobo:''' Agreed. Let's scram! :'''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't! Don't you know what this means to science? The knowledge in here is invaluable. It cannot be lost-- Again! :'''Black Knight:''' It won't be! Now that we know where it is, we can dig it out later. We will study it. I promise you that. :'''Six''': Holiday. Let it go. :'''Guranset''': As father promised-- I will rule forever. :'''Rex''': Forever is gonna be shorter than you think. :'''Guranset''': No! Nooooo! :'''Rex''': Aw, come on! I didn't hit you that hard! :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Rex''': What's happening to you? :''[Guranset gasps]'' :'''Guranset''': Aaaaaaaaah! :''[Guranset grunts]'' :'''Guranset''': Do not touch your pharaoh. :'''Rex''': You need help. Your nanites are dying of old age-- I think. It's like starting an old car. Uh, o-or a camel. Let me help you. I can fix your nanites, and then maybe-- :'''Guranset''': Lies! :'''Rex''': You're in a strange time, a strange place. We have science, machines. We can help you. Trust us. :'''Guranset''': Like you trust the woman you call Black Knight? I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. Father told me of you... Rex. :'''Rex:''' What? How do you know my-- :'''Guranset''': I would have helped the world. Ended the hunger, the wars. But now he will return. Avenge me. ''[Echoing]'' I see now this is a world of lies. You and I have no place in it. <hr width80/> :'''Black Knight:''' You wanted something? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' The hall of records-- You can't keep it a secret. It must be studied. That hall-- :'''Black Knight:''' What hall? :'''Rex:''' Why'd you do that?! Holiday said-- :'''Black Knight:''' Some secrets are best left buried under the sands, Rex. :''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' :'''Black Knight:''' Gentleman. Dr. Holiday. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, what'd you want to tell me back in the tomb? :'''Six:''' It can wait. :'''Rex:''' Don't wait too long. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' All those priceless artifacts. And we still don't know who created Gharun Set. ===Guy vs. Guy=== :'''Rex:''' This means war. <hr width80%> ===Double Vision=== : ''[The episode starts as a butterfly flies through plants in a flower shop. Suddenly, Rex is thrown into the shop window, making nearby civilians run away. Rex gets up and looks out of the broken glass, seeing a beastly plant EVO, a few people watching, and Agent Six slashing his swords around to evade the EVO's tentacles.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Pants and brushes leaves off his sleeve and puts on goggles.]'' Not bad! : ''[Uses the Punk Busters to jump out of the shop and generates his Smack Hands to uppercut the EVO, causing it to crash into a nearby building.]'' But I'm better! : ''[The EVO gets out of the glass windows and roars, attacking Agent Six.]'' : '''Agent Six:''' ''[Cuts off a tentacle and walks towards Rex.]'' Talk is cheap, Rex. Prove it. : '''Rex:''' ''[Generating the Smack Hands.]'' No problemo. : ''[The EVO rushes towards Rex, unfortunately, Rex grabs it and slams it onto the ground. A random girl is driving up the road on a moped. However, she is stopped as the EVO blocks the path.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Putting his hands up to assure the girl.]'' Nothing to worry about, I've got this handled. ''[Turns to EVO, whom is still on the floor.]'' Okay big guy, say adiós to those nasty nanites. : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex kneels down to cure the EVO, flowers spout out of the EVO]'' Aw, for me? Does this mean we're dating? : ''[Suddenly, the flowers shoot out some goo into Rex's face, making him slam onto the floor, a crowd forms around the battle.]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[Yelps while getting up and pulls his goggles off and wipes the goo off his face.]'' Oh, that's better. ''[He gives his goggles to the random female on the moped]'' Hey! Watch these for me. ''[Runs back into battle and generates the Punk Busters and kicks the blacked out EVO over a building.]'' Goal! Hey thanks for holding onto my...huh?... : ''[Rex turns around to see the girl missing from the crowd. Deforming his Punk Busters, he spots the girl riding away on her moped. She turns to look back at Rex, appearing to have on his goggles.]'' : '''Rex:''' Goggles! : ''[Rex puts one of his hands up to signal for her to wait, but the EVO returns and wraps its tentacle around Rex's neck. The EVO twists Rex in mid-air in the sky for a minute before slamming him onto the cement. Rex gets up and sees the goggle girl riding away out of sight.]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! You've got my...ungh...goggles... Aah! Ungh! Did you see that girl?! She stole my goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Priorities, Rex. : '''Rex:''' They are my priority, Six. I can pound EVOs any day. Those goggles are-- Ah, great. Who invited her? : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, gentlemen. We've got this covered. : '''Rex:''' We don't need any help. Whoa! Whoa! Ungh! : '''Black Knight:''' Obviously. Control collar-- Now. We'll take it from here. : '''Rex:''' Take it from whe-e-re?! I've already got this under contro-o-o-o-l! Whoa! Ugh! Let me try to cure it. : '''Black Knight:''' The new Providence protocol is to confine, constrain and control. If curing is an option, it will be considered-- At my discretion. : '''Rex:''' Control? I can cure it now and end this. : '''Black Knight:''' The offer still stands. If you want to come back to Providence, you can continue your mission. : '''Rex:''' I have my mission! : '''Black Knight:''' Curing every EVO on Earth isn't a mission, Rex. It's an impossibility. : '''Rex:''' Watch me. : '''Black Knight:''' Everybody back! Contain those seedlings! : '''Rex:''' You just made it worse! Now I've got to clean up your mess. Starting with this guy. See? Fearing works! : '''Black Knight:''' It was your actions that exacerbated this situation. I want full containment and control over those seedlings. Move out-- Now. : '''Agent Six:''' While you were arguing, Holiday found another sprout. Let's go deal with that before Providence does. : '''Rex:''' But-- My goggles! : '''Agent Six:''' Focus, Rex. We've got work to do. : '''Rex:''' Nice work! : '''Agent Six:''' Drop in the bucket. Look below. : '''Rex:''' Wow. And I thought I'd be able to knock off early today. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' On the contrary, Rex. By overlaying current worldwide wind patterns on top of international population centers, we're looking at total global infestation within thirty-eight hours. : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, that's a lot of roughage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I need to get in the field and obtain some live samples. Bobo and I will meet you at the rendezvous point in the mobile command center. : '''Rex:''' Okay, doc. We're almost there. Hey! It's that girl! Wh-o-o-o-oa! : '''Agent Six:''' What's gotten into you, Rex? : '''Rex:''' My goggles-- I can't see without them! : '''Agent Six:''' Obviously, you can see without them. : '''Rex:''' Well, yeah, but I really need them a lot of the time. Don't you remember when I first got them? : '''Agent Six:''' Actually, no. : '''Rex:''' Oh. Sorry. My bad. It was early on, when I was just learning to control my powers. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Aaaah! Aah! Aaaaah! Oof! : '''Agent Six:''' Horse manure. : '''Rex:''' This is exactly why I need my goggles! Hey! I thought this thing was just a sprout! : '''Agent Six:''' It's the nature of plants to grow. : '''Rex:''' Hm. Very Zen of you, Six. Well, it's the nature of me to kick EVO butt! Whoa! Oof! Yuck! This stuff really stinks! : '''Agent Six:''' All yours. : '''Rex:''' Ta-da! And for my next trick... Oh, and look who's late to the party. : '''Black Knight:''' ''[Entering]'' Alpha team, I want you to lay down suppressive fire and-- : ''[Realizing the EVOs not there]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Belay that. Sit Ops, I was told we had a Class-Three EVO situation here. Where is the EVO? : '''Rex:''' ''[Rex hands her flowers]'' Sorry. This is all that's left. Six, are we good here? I've got to run. : '''Agent Six:''' I'd put those in water. : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Rex:''' Slow down! I just want to-- Ungh! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? What?! No way! Hey! You've got my-- Ugh! Whoa! ...Goggles. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got bigger problems than a girl on a scooter, Rex. First a flower shop, then gardening supplies. It's getting hungrier. Gentlemen, I suggest you get to the sewage-treatment plant as quickly as possible. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Why? : '''Agent Six:''' Fertilizer, Rex, as in if those sprouts chow down on that much raw nourishment, we're in some deep... : ''[Plant EVO bursts through a nearby wall]'' : '''Rex:''' ...Horse maneure. Hungry? Eat this! : '''Agent Six:''' Holiday, get to the sewage plant. We'll meet you there after we clean up. : '''Bobo Haha:''' Clean up? I'd rather make a mess! Shoulda brought my chainsaw. : '''Agent Six:''' Shoot the seedlings! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, this time I'm going to-- : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Wait! Aw, man! Back off! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Bobo:''' You went a little nuts there, buddy. I like it! But... Goggles? : '''Rex:''' That EVO interrupted before I could finish the story. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Agent Six:''' Here, kid. Try these on. : '''Rex:''' Um, so I can look like a total doofus? : '''Agent Six:''' You have no idea how unique these goggles are, Rex. A reclusive weaponsmith in Zurich crafted this single pair before he turned EVO. : '''Rex:''' Really? And then what happened to him? : '''Agent Six:''' I did. He won't be crafting any more goggles. : '''Rex:''' Cool! : '''Agent Six:''' These are one-of-a-kind, Rex-- Special, for you. : '''Bobo:''' What a bunch of chimp chips! Those goggles are-- Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Wow. That is a lot of rampaging EVO. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. Lucky holiday-- She's right in the thick of it. : '''Rex:''' Lucky? : '''Bobo:''' She gets to try out all the special modifications I made to that sweet ride. : ''[Dr. Holiday grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' ''[Plant EVO has Holiday trapped inside the Mobile Command Center]'' Okay. Let's see how you like 10,000 volts of-- : ''[Holiday presses a button, and music starts playing]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo's mix tape?! Who puts the stereo next to the weapons system?! One more time-- Big red button. Always go for the big red button. Unless you don't want to drain the batteries to zero. : ''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Bobo, your improvements could use some improvements. Rex, if you're not too busy, I'd appreciate a little assistance. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, ain't that your girlfriend? : '''Agent Six:''' She can take care of herself, right, Rex? : '''Rex:''' Right-- For now. : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's more like it. Ungh! Fine! Let's see how you like this! I don't know what you just did, Rex, but thanks. Rex? : '''Black Knight:''' I admit our last encounter didn't end well, but I think we need to work together on this one. : '''Rex:''' You want to work together? We left Providence, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex-- : '''Rex:''' What happened to "stay out of my way"? : '''Black Knight:''' Rex! : '''Rex:''' So now when you need somebody to take out your trash, you can just forget that I quit your crummy organization? : '''Black Knight:''' Yes, Rex, I can, because I don't let my emotions guide my choices. I only want what's best for Providence-- And the world. : '''Rex:''' Okay, cool. Just wanted to hear you say it. Aah! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, the EVO is too big to cure without getting to its core. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, I'm not doing much good out here! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All those vines, the seedlings, everything-- They're just puppets to the plant. Stop those nanites in the core, and you cut the strings. : '''Rex:''' On it! Huh?! : '''Agent Six:''' Watch it, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! All I want are my goggles. All I've wanted all day are my goggles, and this EVOs been blocking me over and over! Hey, Bobo, you know how to shoot one of these? : '''Bobo:''' Eh, how hard could it be? : '''Rex:''' Load me into this thing and point it right at that EVO's sweet spot. And hurry. I got better stuff to do. : '''Bobo:''' You do know that's 30,000 gallons of raw sewage you're aimin' at? : '''Rex:''' Don't remind me. Oh... Yuck! Yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck, yuck! : '''Agent Six:''' Elegant solution, Rex. : '''Bobo:''' You don't smell elegant. You stink worse than me. I'm a little jealous. : '''Black Knight:''' All right, Rex. Get to work. : '''Rex:''' Work? What do you mean? I just served that vegetable! : '''Black Knight:''' You cut the strings, but you still have to fix the puppets. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' She's right, Rex. : '''Black Knight:''' You want to cure the world? Start curing. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa, man, I'm beat! I don't think I can move another inch if you paid me. : ''[Goggle girl rides past him]'' : '''Rex:''' Gotta move! See ya! Hey! Stop for a second! Six, I'm really starting to think this girl's got some kind of EVO action going on-- Teleporter, speedster, something. : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey! : '''Rex:''' Huh? Six, she's not just a teleporter. She can make doubles of herself-- Multiple abilities! She's an EVO, like me! : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the skeevy guy who's been chasing me. He was chasing me, too. And me. What do you want? : '''Rex:''' You took my goggles! I want them back! : '''Goggle girl:''' Hey, Einstein, did you see our logo? That stands for "Goggle Girl", as in the delivery service. You haven't ever heard of us? : '''Rex:''' Um... No. : '''Goggle girl:''' "Nothing is cuter than a girl on a scooter." Kind of hard to miss. : ''[Goggle girl groans]'' : '''Goggle girl:''' It's the worst slogan ever. : '''Rex:''' But-- But my goggles! : '''Goggle girl:''' Part of our costume. The boss buys them in bulk, along with these cheesy wigs he makes us wear. It's kind of lame. : '''Rex:''' In bulk?! Those goggles?! But... They're one-of-a-kind! They're special! They're-- They're... I'll just go now. Nope. Nope. Definitely not. : '''Agent Six:''' I still don't know why those goggles were so important to you. : '''Rex:''' You gave to me, Six. It was the first present, the first nice thing that I remember getting since you found me. You said they were special, and that made me feel special. : '''Six:''' Yes, about those goggles... Apparently, according to Bobo, I may have misled you. There was dozens of them in the Providence service bay. : '''Rex:''' I knew the story was fake, but you told it because you cared about me. That's what made them special. : '''Agent Six:''' I see. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, champ. You got a package. : '''Goggle girl:''' Sign, please. : '''Agent Six:''' It's for you. From us. Just open it. : '''Rex:''' My goggles! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Better. We commissioned an enhanced version. : '''Rex:''' Cool! Infrared... Microscopic... Nanovision?! Thanks, you guys. You really are one-of-a-kind. : '''Bobo:''' Those are great, but these are me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I just need to hold on to them for a few more hours while I run a full diagnostic. : '''Rex:''' A few hours?! I just got them! Aw! : '''Bobo:''' Here-- Because I care. : '''Goggle girl:''' They actually look kinda cute. : '''Rex:''' Hey, doc! No rush! : '''Bobo:''' Ain't love grand? ===Black and White=== : '''Calan:''' Be advised, we've got activity. Major activity. Stop right there, or we'll shoot! Don't make me do it. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''Calan:''' Calan to command, tell Black Knight-- We have apprehended the intruders. Repeat, we got'em. : '''Rex:''' No! Get out of my head! Stop it! Stop! Stop with the talking! A dream. Oh, thank you! For a second, I swore that I heard his voice. It was almost like he was in the-- Room. Huh?! : '''White Knight:''' I was wondering if I was gonna have to send the monkey in with a bucket of water. But I thought, "why should he have all the fun?" Five minutes-- Situation room. Consider this your wake-up call. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you supposed to be playing dead? You're lucky Black Knight doesn't know you're here. : '''White Knight:''' Black Knight thinks what I want her to think. With the installation of the new regime, I suspected that there was more going on at providence than just this new control protocol. I decided to test my hypothesis. I needed time to operate freely without prying eyes. So I went off the grid. : '''Rex:''' And from the smell of it, you haven't changed out of your suit since then. : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''White Knight:''' I've been busy. I've been tracking their operations. They involve familiar locales and even more familiar machinery. : '''Rex:''' You still use a camera with film? Do they even make that stuff anymore? : '''White Knight:''' What they don't make are machines like these. This is the wreckage of Rylander's lab. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Are they doing what I think they're doing? : '''Rex:''' Do what? : '''White Knight:''' It appears that this new Providence is restarting the nanite program. : '''Rex:''' There is no way my brother would help restart something that nearly destroyed the world. There's got to be a good explanation. We should just ask him. : '''White Knight:''' We can't risk direct contact. We need to infiltrate Providence, download her computer banks, and assess how far along they are before we take any other actions. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over there. : '''Rex:''' Just saying there's more here than meets the eye. Whoa! : '''Six:''' Breaking into Providence? That's a big move, even for you. Black Knight is sure to have enhanced the security systems. We may be able to breach the perimeter defenses, but once inside, we'd be blind targets. : '''White Knight:''' You'd be right if we were playing on her board. : '''Six:''' Forgive me for doubting you. : '''Rex:''' Okay, is someone gonna tell me what these are for? This is so not going to work. : '''Six:''' Trust the plan. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Okay, so, maybe they worked. But how'd you get them to do it on cue? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' All a matter of timing. Assuming we get past the outer perimeter, securing the data is a completely different story. Providence encrypts all data. We need to disable multiple units before we can download anything off the mainframe. Doing that undetected is ''[sighs]'' insane. : '''Rex:''' Finally, a voice of reason. I'm calling my brother. Took the lady with three phds to realize what I've been saying all along is right. Hey, that costs money! I'm over my minutes! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' How did you... This is... : '''Six:''' Doable. : '''Rex:''' Do what? What is that? A secret passage. : '''White Knight:''' When they built the tower, I had them install, these-- Upper-management corridors. : '''Six:''' In the old days, they called passages like these the king's road. : '''White Knight:''' From here, we face some unknowns. Stick to the plan. Or we could die. : '''Rex:''' What?! Me?! What about you?! Part of the plan was to do this quietly. : '''Calan:''' Stop right there, or we'll shoot! : ''[Dr. Holiday gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Here we go. Ok, I know what you're thinking, but this is totally not what it looks like. : '''White Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. : ''[Calan laughs]'' : '''Calan:''' Welcome back, sir. We've been waiting for you. : '''Rex:''' Que, huh? : '''Calan:''' Sorry for the scare, Rex. We couldn't guarantee the Black Knight wasn't taper our communications. It was best to keep radio silence. In any case-- Say hello to your man on the inside. He've got a bomb! All units, fall back, fall back! Captain Calan, do you copy? Report. : '''White Knight:''' Ready for a repeate performance? : '''Calan:''' Ready when you are, sir. Good luck, everyone. They're headed for the... petting zoo. : '''Holiday:''' Here it is. Just like he said. : '''White Knight:''' This is the Hive. The central nervous system of the entire complex. An electric field protects the inner chambers. We'll need the circuit bandage. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' I've got an idea, but you'll have to go in partially naked. We've got eyes everywhere. : '''Six:''' Good. Knight and I will handle the encryption towers. You know what to do with this. : '''Rex:''' No sweat. I'm on it. Just have to make one quick detour. Bro? You in here? Oh, no. No, no, no! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, is that you? What brings you here? : ''[Six groans]'' : '''Six:''' Partially naked. Tower one clear. Proceed to next phase. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Got it. Redirecting the data flow now. : '''Calan:''' Anyone hear for the monkey? : '''Rex:''' Huh?! : '''Bobo:''' Offical pet desk. Keep your distance. : '''Rex:''' Is that Dr. Rylander? : '''Caesar:''' It is. Well, almost. After you brought back Van Kleiss, I couldn't help but to wonder if perhaps I might do the same for him. Unfortunately, Van Kleiss was already great in tune the nanites. As you can see, Dr. Rylander-- wasn't. : '''Rex:''' Ok, whatever. Listen, I'm here on a secret mission. : '''Caesar:''' Secret? : '''Rex:''' White Knight said-- : '''Caesar:''' White Knight is alive? : '''Rex:''' If you can call him that. Anyway, he says... you might wanna sit down for this part? That Black Knight is restarting the nanite program. Don't you think that's messed up? : '''Caesar:''' On the contrary. I'm in charge of it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Commencing download in T-2 minutes. White Knight has infiltrated sector three. You're right. They are monitoring our movements. How did you know? : '''White Knight:''' It's what I would do. Now start evac protocols. : '''Black Knight:''' I've torn this facility apart looking for that? When I found it, I still couldn't get to it. Bio-feed security system-- Clever. You have to be nanite-free to open it. I guessed you weren't dead. I knew if I let enough info leak about what we're doing here, you've showed up, eventually. I'll take it. : '''White Knight:''' You can try. : '''Black Knight:''' What ever you say. You were the boss. : '''White Knight:''' That's not a providence toy. : '''Black Knight:''' A woman is entitled her secrets. Especially when those secrets keep me alive. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''White Knight:''' Ohh! What I could've done with you if I hired you first. : '''Black Knight:''' Don't fool yourself, White. : '''White Knight:''' Ohh, ohh, ohh! : '''Black Knight:''' You were bandage at best. the Consortium knew that you weren't the leader for the future. Stand down, old man! : '''White Knight:''' I've got a few secrets of my own, kid. After all, this was my office. Consortium or not, it will be again. : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Be advised, they're on to us. Making for the rendezvous. : '''Six:''' I'll take my swords back now. Please. : '''Rex:''' What are you doing, helping Black Knight? She's obviously the more psycho of the two knights. : '''Caesar:''' I'm not helping the Black Knight do anything. I'm trying to fix things. The day everything changed. We never imagined what would happen when we released the nanites. : '''Rex:''' Release them?! You caused the nanite event?! : '''Caesar:''' It was the only way we were going to save the world. : '''Rex:''' You unleashed the worst man-made disaster the world has ever seen!! You've ruined countless lives!! How can you say that you saved anything?! : '''Caesar:''' You weren't there... not in any way that mattered! If we hadn't-- : '''Rex:''' Hold that thought. Here, doggy, doggy. : '''Six:''' Excessive? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Sweet, actually. Now you're overdoing it. : '''White Knight:''' ''[panting]'' Are we finished here? ''[screams]'' Careful, Black. Your council wouldn't be too pleased if you destroyed the very thing you're after. : '''Black Knight:''' If doesn't have to be like this, White! The Consortium may have lost faith in you, but you know my methods are right. Come back. Under my protection, who knows? There may even be a promotion in it for you. : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' You would turn on your own masters? : '''Black Knight:''' For that kind of power, wouldn't you? : '''White Knight:''' I am going to stop the Consortium. If you or Providence gets in my way, this tape goes public. : '''Black Knight:''' Wait! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, stop! You're destroying my work! : '''Rex:''' Your work is done! And so are we! I got it. Time to blow this-- : '''Black Knight:''' Stand down, Rex. Face it, kiddo... today is not your day. : '''Rex:''' Actually, today's wednesday, and wednesday means fiesta night at the cafeteria. Getting in is going to be cake... very dangerous cake. Any bright ideas on how we're getting out? : '''Bobo:''' I got one word for you, kid-- Plumbing. : '''Rex:''' I got it. Time to blow this... : '''Bobo:''' Taco stand. : '''White Knight:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Me and Van Gogh, unappreciated in our time. : '''Rex:''' All of that-- Was for that?! I got nanites, billions of 'em. : '''White Knight:''' Not like this one, Rex. This is a Meta Nanite. One of several. Hardwired into its design is a program for the original Dominion Code. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Dominion Code? I thought that was a myth. : '''White Knight:''' I can assure you, doctor, it is very real. Each one gives its host control over different building blocks of the universe- matter, antimatter, elemental, space, time, reality. With the complete code, you can control them. And through them, you control ''everything''. In sort, it's the God Code. : '''Rex:''' The Consortium want to be...gods? : '''White Knight:''' If it wasn't for the original Nanite Event scattering the Metas across the globe, they may have already succeeded. The situation has changed, people. Black Knight has been searching the globe for the other Meta-Nanites. She needs them all to complete the Master Program. As long as we're keeping her secret, she'll hold off. But sooner or later, she'll be coming for this with the full power of Providence and the Consortium at her back. So... if you want to move on, forget what I've told you. : '''Rex:''' You're not getting rid of us that easily, old man. My parents died for this. Black Knight wants war, war she gets. ===Deadzone=== : '''Noah:''' You said it was gonna be fun. You said there'd be hot girls, great bands. : '''Rex:''' It was an honest mistake. They called it the world's largest british rock festival. : '''Noah:''' Yeah, because it was a convention for english geologists! : '''Rex:''' Okay, yes, maybe we did just drive two days for some boring science conference because I didn't actually read past the first paragraph of the website. But we did get some cool free Schwag. Look! : '''Noah:''' I've seen it. It's a pile of rocks! : '''Rex:''' No, look! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What are you doing? Leave me alone! : '''Rex:''' Pull over. : '''Noah:''' You know that guy? : '''Rex:''' Nope. But I know an opportunity to tweak the Black Knight when I see one. : '''Noah:''' No way. I haven't showered in two days. You real haven't showered in two days. This car is not stopping until we get home. Real mature. : '''Rex:''' Just give me five minutes. I'll grab him before they even notice. Think of it this way. At least something fun will come out of this trip. Shh. : '''Feakins:''' I don't understand what you're saying, guy. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Providence Agent:''' Just take a stay back, Rex. You don't know what you're messing with here. : '''Rex:''' Yeah, well, you do know what you're messing with! This! Huh? : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Hey! Who's messing with this? : '''Providence Agent:''' Anything you want to add to that smack talk? : ''[Rex chuckles nervously]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Providence Agent:''' Let's go. : '''Rex:''' I don't know what you did to my powers, but I'd keep the hands off the jacket, if I were you. Uh, on second thought, take the jacket. Thinking about a new one anyway. : '''Providence Agent:''' We're gonna bring him with us? He's harmless as long as we've got Feakins. : '''Rex:''' What's a Feakin? : '''Noah:''' Come on, Rex. You gonna stand there all night getting hugs from your old Providence buddies? : '''Rex:''' No, don't! Or, uh, you're gonna make Agent Six over there even more mad than he already is. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Providence Agent:''' Move! : '''Feakins:''' Aah! What are you doing, guy?! : '''Noah:''' So, what's-- : '''Rex:''' Drive! Drive! : '''Noah:''' Aah! Who is he?! What's going on? : '''Rex:''' Who are you? What's going on? : '''Feakins:''' Do either of you have a milkshake? : '''Providence Agent:''' Pull over! : '''Noah:''' You want to get them to stop that? What happened? : '''Rex:''' Let me guess. You're Feakins. : '''Feakins:''' Yeah, and I am very queasy back here! If we don't get me a milkshake, it's not gonna be my fault if my lunch ends up all over this very nice leather seat! : '''Rex:''' Somehow he's fritzing out my powers. It's like there's a deadzone around him. : '''Noah:''' You talking about nanites or his personality? : '''Providence Agent:''' No more warnings. Pull over! : '''Noah:''' Whoa! : ''[Noah gasps]'' : '''Feakins:''' We're not gonna make it! : '''Noah:''' Yes, we are! This is a '77! They don't make'em like this anymore! WHOO-HOO! Aah! : ''[Noah gasps]'' : '''Noah:''' That was a '77! They don't make'em anymore! My granddad's gonna kill me! : '''Rex:''' Looks like he'll have to wait in line. : ''[Feakins gasps]'' : '''Feakins:''' How great is this?! You guys were at the convention, too? : '''Rex:''' Come on! If we get out of here now, they'll spend the next couple hours looking for the car before they figure out where it went. : '''Feakins:''' So, what's your favorite geological area? I'm a proterozoic man. Of course, the hadean has its merits, too. : '''Noah:''' You couldn't take five minutes to read the whole website? <hr width80%> : '''Noah:''' Thank you! I can't tell you how glad we are you're open. I just want to get cleaned up and get some sleep. : '''Feakins:''' Hold on! Pardon me, but what kind of room service does this establishment offer? What if I want a milkshake? : '''Rex:''' And that kind of brings you up to date, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Well, that explains why you suddenly dropped of my tracking grid. The good news is, the deadzone Feakins creates means the Black Knight can't use your nanites to track you either. : '''Rex:''' Now that Feakins isn't right next to me, it's not as bad. I can still feel them. It's just that they feel all fuzzy. I bet if I put some distance between us, my powers would bounce right back. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You cannot let him out of your sight, Rex. Don't you see why Black Knight wants him? He's the ultimate insurance against any EVO. : '''Rex:''' Not just any. Me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've got to hang on to him. I'm on my way to you now. : '''Rex:''' Hey, don't worry about me. I-I may not have my powers, but I've got Noah. We can handle things until you get here. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Just stay put and don't draw attention to yourself. : '''Feakins:''' I know this is your motel! But judging by your office, you and me got a different idea of what "clean" means! Can you believe that guy! : '''Rex:''' Yeah, the last part might be a problem, doc. : '''Feakins:''' Oh. Okay if you guys take this bed? : '''Noah:''' Providence we can deal with. It's him I'm worried about. : '''Black Knight:''' Speak. : '''Black Pawn:''' We lost them. : '''Black Knight:''' I want every asset we have in the state mobilized. Do you understand? Find them! : '''Noah:''' No way! You picked out this disguise. You wear it. : '''Feakins:''' I didn't know it was made of acrylic! You want me to have a relapse of my eczema? 'Cause it won't be pretty! I get all flaky! : '''Rex:''' Guys, the whole point of the disguises is to not attract attention. : '''Noah:''' Fine! Why do I always have to be the mature one? : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Feakins:''' We've only got a couple hours to get to our new rendezvous with Holiday. : '''Rex:''' Aren't you going to demand a milkshake? : '''Feakins:''' Thanks, guy. : '''Noah:''' What?! All you've done is moan about milkshakes. Because we were in a car. I don't get airsick. : '''Feakins:''' So, why would I need a milkshake? But if there's a decent sushi bar nearby-- : ''[Noah groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Wait. : ''[Feakins sneezes]'' : '''Feakins:''' What? I said I was allergic to acrylic! : '''Rex:''' Hang on! : '''Feakins:''' Whoa. You gotta stop this thing. : '''Noah:''' You gotta be kidding me! : '''Feakins:''' It's not my fault I got a delicate stomach! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! This isn't even really a car! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Those two agents on the plane are gonna call in others. We gotta go! : '''Noah:''' How are we gonna get anywhere without a car? : '''Rex:''' We've got a chance we can get on a train. : '''Noah:''' It's pitch dark. We're never gonna find the tracks before that train passes! : ''[Feakins laughs]'' : '''Feakins:''' Yeah, very funny. Come on, guy, quit joking around. : '''Noah:''' What are you talking about? : '''Feakins:''' Well, given the shale and quartz in this soil, the train tracks have to be down that way. I mean, that's just obvious stuff to rock lovers like us, am I right? I don't believe it! An entire train car filled with ice cream... And there's no blender! : '''Noah:''' So close, and yet no milkshake. : '''Rex:''' Well, I'm starved. Let's eat. We're all gonna need our strength. Cherry-Berry Chunky Nut? : '''Feakins:''' I'm allergic to ice cream. : '''Rex:''' How can you love milkshakes and be allergic to ice cream? : '''Noah:''' Do you really want to hear him answer that? : '''Rex:''' Look, I'm sorry. I know it's been a crazy day for you. : '''Feakins:''' I woke up yesterday thinking I was just a regular accountant who loved rocks... Only to discover that I'm actually this super-important guy who everyone's after because I got some kind of amazing power! : '''Rex:''' Lucky you. Move! Move! We're close. We're going to make it to Holiday. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, I can't stay here. We'll have to meet somewhere else. : '''Rex:''' I see the perfect place. : '''Black Knight:''' Let's end this game, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Black Knight? : '''Feakins:''' I don't believe it. The Black Knight works at Bob's Biscuit Barn! : '''Black Knight:''' Now that we've found you, there's nowhere to hide. It should not have taken the most advanced satellite system in the world this long to pinpoint them. The excuses can wait. Right now, I want this wrapped up. : '''Noah:''' How did Black Knight know where we were? : '''Rex:''' I don't know. : '''Noah:''' Even if you make it to the Holiday, is Black Knight just gonna find us? : '''Rex:''' I don't know! : '''Feakins:''' When are we gonna get a milkshake?! : '''Rex:''' I don't know! : '''Feakins:''' I'm in a car. It's moving. I'm getting queasy back here. : '''Rex:''' Then get out of the car! : '''Feakins:''' Aah! : '''Black Pawn:''' Be advised-- Primary target Feakins is to be recovered alive if possible. : '''Rex:''' You know how I said we don't get through this, with or without my powers? Well, it looks like I was wrong. They're after Feakins. That means "Noah" has a shot at making a break for it and getting to Holiday. Do you understand what I'm saying? : '''Black Pawn:''' Let the breakaway go. And stay on the primary target. : '''Rex:''' Huh. I guess they're not afraid of me with you standing here. Which is... Awesome! : '''Black Pawn:''' Pull up! Pull up! : '''Rex:''' Mwah! Man, have I missed you! : '''Noah:''' Guess I don't need this anymore. : '''Rex:''' I can't believe that plan actually worked. : '''Noah:''' Feakins still has to make it to Holiday. : '''Feakins:''' Oh, I'm not feeling so good. : '''Rex:''' Whoa! : '''Black Pawn:''' The primary target is unconventional. Ground units, reroute to intercept. We will cover. : '''Rex:''' We're going after Feakins! Come on! : '''Pilot:''' Ground units are down. Moving to pursue a primary target. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Stay on Rex. If we don't engage him, he'll tear us apart. : '''Noah:''' Whoa! : '''Rex:''' Sit tight. : '''Noah:''' Uh, where would I go? : '''Rex:''' Mind if I borrow this? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Noah:''' Rex! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Providence Agent screams]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! Hey, watch it! I'm still a little rusty here! These guys are tough. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Hang on to me! : '''Noah:''' Aah! Whoa! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Where's Feakins? : '''Rex:''' Oh, come on! This guy is killing me! : '''Noah:''' Maybe he'll still coming. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We can't wait. Providence followed you here. What? : '''Rex:''' We got him! Let's go! : '''Noah:''' It's too late. : '''Black Knight:''' Where is my visual? : '''Black Pawn:''' They're just gone. : '''Rex:''' What just happened? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's a prototype stealth device built into the lab. That's why I had to get you in here. It was the only way to get you out of Black Knight's sight. : '''Noah:''' So, that's it? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' That's it. The good guys won. : '''Rex:''' Oh, hey, by the way, doc, you're a big geology buff, aren't you? So, did we hook you up with the perfect safe house or what? You'll never have to worry about driving without a milkshake again. : '''Feakins:''' Oh, it's great, guy. The only problem is the gas. : '''Rex:''' Well, I'm sure we can kick in a little gas money, too. : ''[Feakins farting]'' : '''Feakins:''' Yeah, that's not what I meant. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we can't stay. : '''Rex:''' You got that right! : '''Feakins:''' Wait. I just wanna say... Its not easy being thrown together with someone who can be a little, well... Difficult. : '''Rex:''' Hey... You're not so bad. : '''Feakins:''' Me?! I was talking about you! : ''[Black Knight sighs]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Since the search for Feakins is going nowhere, we have no choice but to become much more aggressive... With Rex. ===Assault on Abysus=== : '''Diane Farrah:''' Through research and hard work, Providence has turned the curse of the EVO into a blessing. One that will serve mankind. Science and compassion have created a new future for all EVOs. A future filled with happiness and hope. : '''Black Pawn:''' You? Seen some EVOs pass through here? <hr width80%> *Rex and Circe finally admit their true feelings for one another. Unfortunately, there was not enough episodes to explore their romance further. <hr width80%> : ''[Somewhere in [[w:Hong Kong|Hong Kong, China]]'']'' : '''Circe:''' Okay. They're gone. : '''Skywwd:''' For now. Get out of here, Circe. Run! : '''Circe:''' I'm not leaving you guys. : '''Skywwd:''' You can pass as human. Go-- Before Providence gets you too. : '''Black Pawn:''' The girl! She's with them! : '''Skwwyd:''' Run! : '''Rex:''' Hmm? What's up? : '''Circe:''' You're the only person I could turn to. : '''Rex:''' Circe? : '''Circe:''' I don't know. That's the hardest part. : '''Rex:''' You did what you had to do. : '''Circe:''' I left them there, Rex. Our friends. Providence has to be stopped. Someone needs to do something. : '''Rex:''' ''[puts his arms around Circe to comfort her]'' We are. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Am I disturbing you two? : '''Rex:''' No. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' White Knight wants to talk with you. : '''Rex:''' Ugh. What's he gonna yell at me for this time? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No, I meant Circe. He wants to talk to her. : '''Circe:''' Providence has been hunting these down, too? : '''White Knight:''' You didn't tell her about them, Rex? : '''Rex:''' I thought the Master Control Nanites were supposed to be top secret. : '''White Knight:''' She has to know if she's going to lead the mission. : '''Rex:''' Her? That was supposed to be my mission. : '''White Knight:''' It's no one's mission. It's about getting the job done. : '''Circe:''' Why me? : '''White Knight:''' Intelligence indicates that Providence has targeted a Master Control Nanite in Abysus. In Van Kleiss' old castle, to be more precise. You're the only one with the knowledge to get us in there. : '''Rex:''' I've been there before. How hard could it be? Circe, you don't have to. : '''Circe:''' If it helps stop Black Knight in Providence, I'm in. : '''Rex:''' Okay, Doc. We made it. The new power suit gave me more range, just like you said. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Circe:''' Thanks, Banak. We're trying to keep a low profile. Don't tell anyone, okay? : '''Rex:''' Good thing you knew the secret whistle or we might have been rooting around forever. : ''[Rex chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Get it? "Root"? Uh... This can't be easy coming back here. I owe you. : '''Circe:''' Forget it. We're even. I used you in the past, now you and your friends are using me. : '''Rex:''' Is there some sort of problem between you and me? : '''Circe:''' There's nothing between you and me. Just the mission. I don't have good memories of this place. Let's just leave it at that, okay? : '''Rex:''' Fine. I'm surprised we haven't run into-- Ugh! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Traitor! Stop her! : '''Circe:''' Aah! : '''Rex:''' Can you chill?! There's no time for this. Who's leading you now that Van Kleiss is gone? I need to speak to your leader. Figures. Biowolf, we have a problem. And... I need your help. : '''Biowulf:''' I will listen. : '''Rex:''' Great, because-- : '''Biowulf:''' Only after you. earn the right-- Through combat. : ''[Biowulf growls]'' : ''[Rex spits]'' : '''Rex:''' At least Van Kleiss was civilized. Buckle up, dog boy. : '''Biowulf:''' You may speak. This nanite you want-- It's not here. None of us have seen it up in the castle or the blast source. : '''Rex:''' I didn't say up. It's down. White Knight thinks it's under the castle. Some other secure lab area. : '''Biowulf:''' The primary chamber? : '''Circe:''' It's under the castle? Van Kleiss always said it was forbidden for us to go there. : '''Rex:''' You think he remembered to tell Black Knight that? Let me take it out of here. : '''Biowulf:''' No! You're a traitor to your own kind. A lapdog to these humans. I've heard enough! : '''Rex:''' All of us will fall-- All EVOs-- If she gets it. Black Knight is worse than you know. If I don't get the nanite out of here, Providence will take it. : '''Biowulf:''' Providence! This is Abysus, the heart of the EVO world. Providence wouldn't dare. : '''Circe:''' The sentries have spotted something. : '''Rex:''' Yeah. I wonder who. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Black Knight, the assault forces are in place. : '''Black Knight:''' The field is yours. We've secured the borders. No chance White Knight and his team will get in the country to interfere. : '''Biowulf:''' The castle is surrounded. : '''Rex:''' Standard operating procedure for Providence is to secure the perimeter, then close for attack. Black Knight will have snuck forces around back. : '''Skalamander:''' How should we counter? : '''Rex:''' Easy. : '''Biowulf:''' You take your nanite. I'll decide how to deal with the invaders. : '''Black Pawn:''' Deploy the collars. Rise. Forward. Attack. : '''Rex:''' The nanite event blew away half the castle. This must have been deep enough to survive it. Huh? You hear that? : '''Circe:''' No. Hear what? : '''Rex:''' Uh... Nothing. This place would make a great rec room. Maybe a karaoke machine over there-- : '''Circe:''' Van Kleiss would send volunteers down here to try and get in. None of them ever came back. : '''Rex:''' Well... That's encouraging. : '''Circe:''' What is it? : '''Rex:''' They're... I-I think they're nanites. They're following our lights. They can't see in the dark. I have a plan. Lead them back. : '''Circe:''' ''[concerned]'' Rex? : '''Rex:''' When I say "roll," roll. : '''Circe:''' What?! : '''Rex:''' Roll! Circe, sing! : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic blasts on the EVOs and beams at Rex.]'' : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' We always made a good team. : '''Circe:''' It won't hold them long. : '''Rex:''' You think this is why Van Kleiss always wanted me-- So I could get him in here? : '''Biowulf:''' Providence has breached the castle. We can't hold our position much longer. : '''Rex:''' Go. I'll get the Master-Control Nanite. ''[Notices how worried Circe is about him probably not returning]'' This isn't Hong Kong. I'll be okay. I'll meet up with you soon. : '''Biowulf:''' They've turned our own people against us. : '''Circe:''' Let me see what I can do. : ''[Circe uses her ultrasonic bursts on several collared EVOs]''. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : ''[Circe gasping]'' : '''Circe:''' So many. : '''Biowulf:''' You can't stop the ones they've collared. : '''Circe:''' I can go down trying. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Her sonics are disrupting the offensive. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' Hyah! Unh! : '''Biowulf:''' If we can't defeat them, we'll take down as many as we can fighting. : '''Circe:''' This isn't one battle. It's a war. And we can't let it end here before Rex has the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Biowulf:''' What, then? : '''Circe:''' Tactical retreat. : ''[Circe whistles]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh. Dad. : '''Providence Soldier:''' Outer rooms of the castle secured. : '''Black Pawn:''' I don't need you here, Black Knight. It's only a matter of time. We will take the castle piece by piece. : ''[Skalamander growling]'' : '''Black Pawn:''' You are ours now. Down. : ''[Skalamander grunting]'' : '''Skalamander:''' Rex is here. He will make you bow to us! : '''Black Knight:''' This is all a diversion. Find Rex before he gets the Master-Control Nanite. : '''Black Pawn:''' Yes, Ma'am. : '''Black Knight:''' Either you do it or I will. I'm on my way. : '''Rex:''' This place... Rylander had the same type of lab. : '''Soldier:''' Security system engaged. : '''Rex:''' No! : '''Soldier:''' Intruder. Provide authorized identity or be terminated. Identify. Identify. Identify. Identify. : '''Rex:''' Aah! I'm Rex! Rex Salazar! : '''Soldier:''' Salazar genetype-- Accepted. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' There you are, you little troublemaker. You're coming home with the good guys. Uhh. Weird. Uh... I don't suppose you're looking for the karaoke machine? Running into you-- What a coincidence. Come down here a lot? Whoa! Missed me. : '''Black Pawn:''' I have the nanite. Keep the boy busy while I get it to Black Knight. : '''Rex:''' No! : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' You two sure know how to make an entrance. : '''Circe:''' The others are getting hammered by Provindence. They're barely holding them off in the dungeon. : '''Rex:''' Gee! Van Kleiss has a dungeon. What a surprise. : '''Biowulf:''' This is no joke. They might die because I came down here to save you. : '''Rex:''' I won't let them get taken. I promise you that. But I need you to let me call the shots. : ''[Biowulf sighs]'' : '''Biowulf:''' Very well. : '''Rex:''' Circ, dungeon left or right? : '''Circe:''' Left. The dungeon's the other way. : '''Rex:''' I'm not looking for the dungeon. I'm looking for the scouts. : '''Black Pawn:''' Nothing. : '''Rex:''' Well, maybe a little something. : ''[Circe echoing roar]'' : '''Rex:''' Scouts. Classic Providence tactics-- So they don't get ambushed. Uhh. What is this place? : '''Biowulf:''' The old reservoir. It goes to the river. : '''Rex:''' Perfect. ''[deep voice]'' Scout to command. West wing, reservoir-- We've found a back way onto what must be the main EVO force. It's five times the size of what you're fighting. : '''Black Pawn:''' Roger, scout. All forces, withdraw from dungeon siege. Report to west wing, reservoir. Ambush maneuver lambda. : '''Rex:''' ''[normal voice]'' Get your troops. It's bath time. : '''Biowulf:''' Now you bow to Rex! : '''Rex:''' The Providence goons are contained, Biowulf. They shouldn't be any more trouble. And I got the Master-Control Nanite. Looks like mission accomplished. : '''Circe:''' Rex, I-- : ''[She and Rex cling to each other as the castle begins shaking.]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Rex, order your friends to surrender. You're all under Providence custody. I always knew it might be impossible to capture the Master-Control Nanite in the heart of the nanite infestation. So the solution was to remove it. : '''Circe:''' It's Hong Kong all over again. : '''Rex:''' No. We can fight. We'll double back and-- A-and then-- : '''Biowulf:''' Go! Get the nanite out of here! : '''Rex:''' No! I promised you! : '''Biowulf:''' You were right. That nanite is more important than anyone here. Including myself. I am the leader. I give the orders. Run! : ''[Rex panting]'' : '''Rex:''' They were counting on me. I don't want to leave them. : '''Circe:''' I did what I had to do. You do what you have to. I want you to know, all this was never about me just using you. : ''[Circe gasps]'' : ''[Finally admits her true romantic feelings for Rex in the form of a passionate kiss. She then pushes a shocked Rex off the ledge, so he could escape; and her getting collared and captured in his stead. She smiled with tears in her eyes, with the promise that she would be okay.]'' <hr width80%> :'''Rex:''' ''[burdened by Circe admitting her intense love for him and sacrifice]'' We all make sacrifices for the things we care about-- The people we love. But when the stakes are this high, who can we trust? What would that power do to anyone who had it? They attacked Abysus. What's stopping them from attacking us for these nanites? : '''White Knight:''' They will-- Sooner or later. That's why I want to turn the tables on them first. : '''Rex:''' You know how to do that so we survive in one piece? : '''White Knight:''' Not yet. ===Remote Control=== : '''Bobo:''' Providence goons are thick as fleas tonight, and I know fleas. : '''Rex:''' We're gonna be late if we have to keep sneaking around. : '''Bobo:''' After you. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex must have bailed on us-- Again. : '''Cricket:''' He would never do that, Skwydd. And besides, he dad to fly all the way to Honk Kong on his own. Give him some time. : '''Tuck:''' He's here! Everything okay, Rex? : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Cricket, Tuck, this way! : ''[Skwydd grunts]'' : '''Skwydd:''' Ow. Yeah, I think I'll stick to ink. : '''Cricket:''' We need to find Rex. : '''Skwydd:''' He was supposed to find us. : '''Tuck:''' How are we gonna-- : '''Quarry:''' Wrong. They'll be coming with me. Anybody got a problem with that? : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? : '''Bobo:''' Oh, yeah, they were here. This came out of Skwydd. Mm. : '''Rex:''' Ew! If those Providence goons hurt them, I'm gonna-- : '''Bobo:''' What do you say you use a little of that aggression and get some answers, champ? : '''Rex:''' What did you do with my friends? Quarry? : '''Cricket:''' If you think we're going to thank you for getting us out of there, Quarry. : ''[Quarry laughs]'' : '''Quarry:''' I think you're going to do exactly as I say. : ''[Activates the mind-control collar on her neck]'' : '''Cricket:''' Aah! : '''Bobo:''' Occupied Hong Kong-- What a dump! Where to, chief? : '''Rex:''' I have no idea. How did he get away from Van Kleiss? How is he even alive? : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' It's cool. We're not going to hurt you. What's Providence turned into? This whole city is living in fear. : '''Bobo:''' Well, we ain't gonna find my answers in this alley. I got a guide book. Ooh! A coupon for all-you-can-eat dim sum. What? A chimp's gotta eat. : '''Rex:''' Okay, let's go. But keep moving. Maybe we'll turn up a clue. : '''Bobo:''' Aw, this just breaks my heart. All that grub and no one to eat it. : '''Monster EVO:''' Can you help a fellow EVO who's down on his luck? : '''Rex:''' I can do better than that. Let me take care of this for you. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Ow! : '''Bobo:''' I wanna order some chow to go. Give me some of those chicken feet, and give me the beaks, too. : '''Rex:''' I thought that collar was supposed to make you mellow! What? Now you know Kung Fu? I don't have time for this. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, buddy. It looked like you could use some-- Hey, where'd the charity case go? : '''Rex:''' He had to leave suddenly. All yours. I need some time to think. : '''Bobo:''' More for me! Go off and think your brains out, pal. You know where to find me. Ah, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship, my beak-dealing chum. And speaking of chum-- : ''[Bobo sniffs]'' : '''Bobo:''' Do I detect the delightful aroma of fish heads? : '''Gamer boy:''' Hey, kid! You like video games? Want a cool job? : '''Rex:''' I already have a cool job. : '''Gamer boy:''' This is the coolest job you'll ever have. Mr. Quarry, pays top dollar for good players and I can set you up. : '''Rex:''' Quarry? Tell me more. : '''Huckster:''' ''[Cockney accent]'' Okay, kids. Looks like we're all here, right? Let me show you around. : '''Quarry:''' What do you matter, the big fish? Time to reel him in. : '''Huckster:''' This is all state-of-the-art stuff-- Exciting, new tech. You get to play as an EVO and go on a Crown Street. How cool is that? : '''Rex:''' Hey! That looks like the EVO that jumped me. : '''Huckster:''' We model our characters from actual EVOs. This is as close to reality as you can get. : '''Rex:''' Hey! You guys! Oh, am I glad to see you! I-- Take that back. You've been collared! Let me help you! : ''[Skwydd hissing]'' : '''Rex:''' Cricket, it's me-- Rex! You used to have a crush on me! : '''Cricket:''' Ugh! : ''[Cricket sighs]'' : '''Cricket:''' Rex, I'm so sorry. I knew what I was doing, but I couldn't control it. : '''Rex:''' I'm okay, Cricket. You've been working on that jab, though, haven't you? : '''Cricket:''' They're getting away. : '''Rex:''' Let them go. They'll lead us straight to Quarry. : '''Cricket:''' "Used to have a crush"? : '''Rex:''' Infrared. Nice move. Providence Convoy. Great. : '''Cricket:''' Whoa! Aah! Ugh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' Come on, Cricket. We do this all the time. Uh, hair. Please. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, give me some more of these deep-fried shrimp heads and a bunch of those fresh spring rolls. Hey, give me the stale spring rolls while you're at it. : '''Female vendor:''' No more food! You have to go! : '''Cricket:''' I recognize this place. It's where Quarry took us after we were collared. It's probably a setup. : '''Rex:''' It's definitely a setup. You ready to go in? : '''Cricket:''' You know how collared EVOs follow kind of like a robot. with these collars, it's worse. It's like you're a remote-controlled robot. : '''Rex:''' That is a nasty hack. : '''Cricket:''' It's bad enough working for Quarry. When you have free will but this-- : '''Rex:''' Skwydd! Tuck! I don't wanna hurt you. : '''Quarry:''' Glad to hear that, Rex. Your friends are very valuable to me as are you. : '''Rex:''' Like the new look- strapping. : '''Quarry:''' Let's just say I had to find a way to "keep it together" after my visit to Abyus. Just one more thing you owe me for and you know how much I like a balanced book. : '''Cricket:''' Rex! No! : '''Quarry:''' You'll be the crown jewel of my EVO army, Rex. I may just make you my own personal slave. That collar suits you, Rex. Wish I'd had one for you back in the old days-- Would've saved me a lot of trouble. : '''Cricket:''' Rex! : '''Quarry:''' Oh, right. Cricket. Rex, be a good little helper and hold her down, would you? : ''[Cricket gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Quarry:''' Rex? Rex! I command you to stop! : '''Rex:''' I quit listening to you a long time ago. : '''Skwydd:''' Rex, I'm sorry. : '''Rex:''' Never mind, Skwydd. Help me with Tuck. Aah! Oh, man! These nanites are smarter than usual. : '''Cricket:''' Hurry, Rex! : '''Rex:''' Whew! Don't think I'll be doing that again soon. : '''Tuck:''' Thanks, man. Those all kinds of weird. : '''Quarry:''' I've decided that you brats are not that valuable to me. Kill them all! : '''Rex:''' We'll see. : '''Tuck:''' Spinning donkey? Since when do street EVOs know Kung Fu? : '''Rex:''' I know, right? How are you doing this? How are you controlling these guys. : '''Quarry:''' I'm not would take an army of operators to control this many EVOs. I merely provide the funding and equipment. The streets provide the manpower-- Or should I say-- : ''[Quarry chuckles]'' : '''Quarry:''' Bratpower? And I paid top dollar for good players. At least by their sad standards. : '''Rex:''' The arcade. All those kids! : '''Quarry:''' Those brats were born to play games, which is what they think they're doing. And I thank your people for the tech. That brother of yours is quite the wiz, kid. : '''Rex:''' Caesar would never! : '''Cricket:''' Forget about Caesar, Rex. You know what you've got to do. : '''Rex:''' These guys will shred you if I leave! : '''Tuck:''' We got this, Rex. Go! : '''Quarry:''' Once I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pop your head like a grape! : '''Bobo:''' Oh, I am one stuffed monkey. Ooh, this might just be the year I floss. Hey! I know that noise. That's Rex. I'm coming, champ! : ''[Bobo groans]'' : '''Bobo:''' Ooh, I better take it easy, or I'm gonna deliver a street pizza. : ''[Bobo groans]'' : '''Female vendor:''' Next time, you're on the menu! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Unh! : '''Quarry:''' You were a good earner once, Rex. But lately, you've been costing me too much. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : '''Quarry:''' Now... you... pay! : '''Cricket:''' No tongues! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Rex:''' Hyah! : ''[Quarry laughs evilly]'' : '''Quarry:''' Consider the fact that you made me like this while I'm crushing you. : ''[Quarry grunting]'' : '''Quarry:''' What? : ''[Quarry straining]'' : '''Quarry:''' No! Unh! No! AAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Bad move, Quarry. Now, where's the "off" switch? Bingo. : ''[Rex sighs]'' : '''Rex:''' Okay. : '''Tuck:''' Uh, what just happened? : '''Cricket:''' Rex happened. : '''Gamer boy:''' No way. We were actually fighting real people? I'm outta here. : '''Tuck:''' Nice move, Rex. I guess Quarry eats it again. : '''Cricket:''' Where is Quarry, Rex? : '''Rex:''' He bit off more than he could chew. Speaking of which, I'm starved. Who wants to grab a bite? : '''Bobo:''' Ohh. Hey, Rex, when are we gonna see some action? : '''Rex:''' I, uh, kind of took the initiative while you were chilling out. Wanna get some dim sum? : ''[Bobo gags]'' : '''Bobo:''' Uh, no, thanks. I've had all I can eat. : ''[Bobo gags]'' : '''Rex:''' Can we use your coupon? : ''[Bobo gags]'' : '''Skwydd:''' You seriously thought you were gonna blow us off? : '''Tuck:''' Not "we." "You." : '''Rex:''' I came as soon as I could-- Honest. : '''Cricket:''' You mean you didn't make a detour to Tokyo to buy anime? : '''Rex:''' Okay, almost as soon. But it all turned out fine. And the most important thing is, we put a stop to that tech before there was enough of it to start a real army. : '''Tuck:''' You can say that again. : '''Skwydd:''' ''[Chuckling]'' Yeah. : '''Rex:''' Now, hurry up and eat this before my chimp finds us. Mmm! : '''Build worker:''' Okay, guys. That's the last of them. Provindence needs these machines on the next cargo ship. Let's move! ===A Brief History of Time=== : '''Van Kleiss:''' 4.000 years from my destination, and I've run out of of time. I've scarcely completed the vessel which shall deliver me to my own era. Gharun-Set, activate the traps-- Quickly! My greatest creation-- So useful to me, but too dangerous to roam free. If only I had time to destroy him, as I should. But I have a more pressing death I must prevent. My own. AAAAAAAAAAAH! : '''Rex:''' Kind of defeating the whole stealth element of a stealth suit, Bobo. : '''Bobo:''' Hey, now was I supposed to know that ghanoush went bad? : '''Rex:''' Maybe because you found it in a garbage can. : '''Bobo:''' On top of a garbage can. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to Rex. Are you at the site? : '''Rex:''' There is not site, remember? Black Knight blew the pace to kingdom come. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Yet it's still guarded. And thanks to the data you stole from Providence, we know why. : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss back in time? I still find it hard to believe. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You were sent six months into the future, Rex. It stands to reason that the reverse is possible. : '''Rex:''' Well, if you expect to find him here, maybe we should check the mummy museum. We're sensing nanites-- Definitely V.K.'s. They've been dead a long time. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Over 4,000 years. I'm also detecting tachyons-- Quantum particles that travel in time. I think it's clear what he was making. : '''Bobo:''' A latrine? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' A time machine. : '''Rex:''' No way he pulled it off! If mister ego made it back to here and now, we'd know about it. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Some of these nanites are considerably younger. That means he was there in two different time periods. : '''Rex:''' Time travel gives me a headache. Just tell me-- Where is he now? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The more accurate question is, when is he? : '''Van Kleiss:''' AAAAAAH! : ''[Van Kleiss gasping]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! The ordeal is... draining. But now, back in my own time, I can replenish my nanite reserves and-- : '''Gladiator #1:''' Quis es tu? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I recognize the language, of course-- Classical latin. Qui-- Q-Qui annus est? : '''Gladiator #1:''' What year is it? You dare question a captain of the imperial guard? Aegyptus is a roman Providence! Answer! Who are you? : '''Gladiator #2:''' Don't bother-- He's clearly sun-mad. : '''Van Kleiss:''' The dialect, the dress-- This is the second century A.D. A mere 2,000 years has passed. I'm only halfway home! : '''Gladiator #1:''' Another escaped slave. Finish him and be done with it. : ''[Gladiator #2 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' It was all the fight I could muster. I had no way to replace the nanites I'd spent in the journey, and my gauntlet had yet to recharge those that remained. : '''Gladiator #2:''' This one shows spirit. He'll bring a good price in the arena. : '''Van Kleiss:''' OOMPH! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #2:''' Save your strength. : '''Gladiator #3:''' Where you're going, you'll need it. : ''[Van Kleiss slurps]'' : ''[Van Kleiss gulps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I intend to. Of the mysterious force, there is no sign. Yet I sense it is close-- Pursuing me even across the centuries. I am convinced it is a manifestation of time itself. My presence is a violation of physics-- An imbalance which the time stream seeks to correct... By wiping me from existence. But of this, I am certain-- If I do not return to my own time, it will surely destroy me. : '''Gladiator #1:''' You are fortunate, slave. To die in the arena is a great honor. : '''Van Kleiss:''' An honor I look forward to bestowing. : ''[Gladiator #1 laughs]'' : '''Gladiator #1:''' You see? Spirit! : ''[Van Kleiss groans]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' Put on a good show, little man, and I promise to make your end a painless one. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Indeed? : ''[Gladiator #3 grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' I, on the other hand, make no such promise. : ''[Gladiator #3 grunting]'' : ''[Van Kleiss grunting]'' : '''Gladiator #3:''' AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Gladiator #3 groans]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' One against so many? Hardly seems fair. For them. : '''Gladiator #4:''' ARRRGHHHH! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ordinarily, I'd say "take me to your leader," but I believe he's already here. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great warrior... Never have I seen such a battle. I am... : '''Van Kleiss:''' Septimius Severus, 21st emperor of Rome, founder of the severan dynasty. And, as I recall, you poisoned your own commanding officer to get his position... And wear only boots to conceal a prodigious clubfoot. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Are you a man... Or a God? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I find both labels rather limiting. Now, then, you are going to give me whatever I require, starting with a quiet place to work. I, in return, shall ensure the growth and security of your reign as emperor. You may call me Van Kleiss. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Whatever your desire, great Vanklios. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Actually, it's... Got a rather nice ring. : '''Rex:''' What's with this guy? Gets a portrait done in every time period? : '''Bobo:''' Mm. ''[muffled]'' Truly a nutjob for the ages. Mm. Speaking of nuts... Want some? : '''Rex:''' You've been dumpster-diving again? : '''Bobo:''' I prefer "foraging." : '''Rex:''' Yeah. Nice sleuthing there, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Nanites decay at a measurable half-life. I set our sat-net to do a global scan for the same frequency-- Ergo, Rome. : '''Rex:''' Great. You scan for the next stop, we'll grab a pizza. : '''Bobo:''' Pass. I'm experiencing inexpicable gastric distress. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it would take months to scan the entire spectrum. You need to find the next decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Kind of like nanite connect-the-dots! Can I do it with someone else? : '''Bobo:''' Hey, quiet, you! Rah! : '''Rex:''' This goose chase just got a little wilder. My brother's here. : '''Caesar:''' Caesar to Black. We've detected paleo-nanites. Tachyon readings negative. We're moving to the next hot stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons-- They want Van Kleiss' time machine. Follow them. : '''Rex:''' Come on. : '''Bobo:''' Can you give me a teeny sec? I gotta find the little gladiators' room. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Advances in the last two millenia have allowed me to complete my lab in weeks instead of months. Restrict the flow! Do you want to overload the power cells? Meanwhile, my own nanite supply continues to dwindle. : ''[Septimius Severus panting]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Great Vanklios, protect me! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I've divulged metallurgy and tactics beyond your day. No man may threaten your rule. : '''Septimius Severus:''' This is no man-- But an apparition! : ''[Septimius Severus grunts]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' What apparition? Speak, parasite! : '''Septimius Severus:''' A spirit of doom! Numerous sightings-- The insulare, the rostra, the forum. Listen! It comes! It comes! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Fool. It only wants me. : '''Septimius Severus:''' Ugh! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I release you. Go start a few legends. : '''Septimius Severus:''' NOOOOOOOOOOOO! : ''[Septimius Severus gasps]'' : '''Septimius Severus:''' Be gone! I beg of you! Aah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, those stress lines-- It's the same pattern we saw in Egypt. : '''Black Knight:''' Report. : '''Caesar:''' These aqueducts are truly marvels of roman engineering. : '''Black Knight:''' Have you picked up the next decay frequency? : '''Caesar:''' Oh-- That. Yes. Uplinking to our global net. Odd. These tachyons seems unrelated to-- : '''Black Knight:''' We have the next target. Scandinavia. Move out. White Knight may have people on the trail. I expect you to do whatever it takes to procure the objective. : '''Rex:''' Shh! : '''Caesar:''' I've initiated the same steps as in Egypt! Come along. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, we need that decay frequency. : '''Rex:''' Just one small problem, doc. This place... is toast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex? Bobo? Respond! : '''Rex:''' We're okay, doc. Not a mark on us. : '''Bobo:''' Same can't be said for my stealth suit. Whoa! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex and Bobo gasps]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' So many lives... It's become a blur. I don't know who I am anymore. Only that I must sail onward, ever onwoard down the river of time. Never resting, always moving. Further draining my nanite reserves beyond my ability to replenish. And each re-emergence, I am pursued by the nameless force. I now know it's personal. I am a virus-- An infection of space-time. Call it what you like. This is time's antibody. Whether I can borne home or drowned in its currents, this is my final journey. : '''Rex:''' Hurry! I'm not sure if we here followed. : '''Bobo:''' I'm sure. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Don't shoot! It's me. : '''Rex:''' Holiday? Shouldn't you be at the plant, connecting the dots? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' No more dots to connect. The trail ends here. And... I'm reading a humanoid form inside. : '''Rex:''' I'm confused. Is it a time machine or isn't it? : '''Caesar:''' It's not a time machine. Are those really necessary? : '''Rex:''' No way you're getting this time machine, bro! : '''Caesar:''' I don't want it. And it's not a time machine. : '''Bobo:''' Well, then, what is it? A meat locker for cold cuts? : '''Caesar:''' Surprisingly close. We use this technique to transfer unstable nanites. It puts them into a state of dormancy. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Of course. It's a hibernation chamber. : '''Caesar:''' Only his nanites were dormant. There would still be neuron flow. : '''Rex:''' Mind telling me what that means, exactly? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' He was... Aware. The whole time, for hundreds of years. : '''Caesar:''' He would have felt every minute pass. : '''Rex:''' No way! He's totally a mummy! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Van Kleiss:''' Run! It's coming! It's coming?! : '''Rex and Bobo:''' Wah! : '''Rex:''' Easy, easy, Van Kleiss. You're back-- Back in your own time. : '''Van Kleiss:''' No! No, it'll find me! It always does! You must protect me. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyon readings off the chart! Rex, you can't affect that thing. I don't know what can. : '''Caesar:''' It's a field of pure tachyons. I've got to get a sample. : '''Rex:''' Oh, no, you don't! : '''Van Kleiss:''' I'm back! Back in my own time! You shall not have me?! OHHHH! : '''Bobo:''' Settle down, Van Winkle. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex shudders]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, no. It couldn't be. I need some way to contain it! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Tachyons can't be contained! : '''Caesar:''' Yes, they can. Rex! : ''[Caesar grunts]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, it's too risky! : '''Rex:''' But I know what this is. Correction-- I know who this is. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! : ''[Rex groaning]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's... Breach. : '''Rex:''' Breach. Breach! It's me-- Rex. : '''Breach:''' Rex? Are you real... Or a dream? : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Yeah, yeah, I'm-- I'm real. : '''Breach:''' I was everywhere-- Everywhen. But I was nothing-- An emptiness, needing to be filled. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The amp pack. Van Kleiss controlled it. When his nanites were active, Breach was drawn into his timeframe. : ''[Van Kleiss grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' The final joining would have destroyed them both. : '''Breach:''' Guess I should say thanks. : '''Rex:''' Hey, what are friends for? Um, we are still friends... Right? : '''Caesar:''' You did well, little bro. : '''Rex:''' And you have your time machine that... isn't a time machine. Everybody goes home happy. : '''Caesar:''' That? A curiosity-- True. But it was never our goal. : ''[Van Kleiss shivering]'' : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Rex:''' Van Kleiss?! All this for him? what, they're gonna put him in jail? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' It's Providence, Rex. That's their jurisdiction. : '''Caesar:''' No need to worry, little brother. He's going to be well supervised. : '''Rex:''' Caesar, what is going on!? : '''Caesar:''' Justice. : '''Bobo:''' Two words-- Crème Brûlée. Ooh. Right after I make a french connection. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Welcome back, Van Kleiss. You look terrible. Ordinarily, I'd say get some rest, but you've had enough of that, I suppose. : ''[Van Kleiss chuckles]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Pull it together. We have work to do. Do you know who I am? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I know who you are. It's been a long time. A very, very long time. ===Mind Games=== : '''Rex''': Yeah, I wouldn't be so sure of that. : '''Six''': I told you not to get involved, Rex. You're not at full strength. : '''Rex''': What was I supposed to do-- Just leave it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six has a point, Rex. You're pushed to the edge lately. You can't see everyone. : '''Rex''': Not listening! Don't worry, dude. I'll have you out of here before you can say-- Circe?! : '''Circe''': Hey, Rex. Rex! Aaaah! : ''[Circe sighs]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex! Rex, do you read? What's going on? Your bios are low. : '''Rex''': Leave her alone! You okay? : '''Circe''': I think so. We have to go. : '''Rex''': Think that's your cue. Hang on. I think I got it. Ow! : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': Hate this things. : '''Circe''': Try wearing one. : '''Rex''': I have. So, what happened? I thought Providence had you at Abysus. : '''Circe''': I got away. : '''Rex''': What about the Pack? : '''Circe''': The Pack? I-- Don't know. Things are bad out there, Rex. I've been on the run for weeks. Providence has been stepping up their capture orders. I think something big is going down. : '''Rex''': Tell me about it. Listen, I know we're gonna want to say no, but with everything that's going on... : '''Circe''': I should stay at the plant. It's safer, right? : '''Rex''': Wow, that was-- Easy. I had a whole speech and everything. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Well, everything checks out. You're the picture of health. I wish you'd let me do some more thorough scans, through. : '''Six''': How was it you said you got away? : '''Circe''': It's a long story. You guys have bigger things to worry about than me... like the Meta-Nanites. Did you get the one from Abysus? Have you found anymore? : '''Rex''': Ugh, who cares? Let's go do something fun. You want to put Bobo' hand in shaving cream? : ''[Circe yawns]'' : '''Circe''': Actually, Rex, I'm kind of tired. I thing I might just crash if that's cool. : '''Rex''': Oh... yeah. Stupid of me. You, uh, get some sleep. Hey, doc. What are you doing? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Rex. I was just... working. What are you doing up? : '''Rex''': Ah, it's... stupid. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Yeah, probably. But... go ahead. : '''Rex''': I'm... excited. Since I got breached, everything's been so crazy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Since you got breached? Right. : '''Rex''': But with Circe back, I'm starting to think maybe things will turn out okay. : '''White Knight''': I need everyone in the situation room in five minutes. : '''Rex''': So much for that. : ''[Dr. Holiday yawns]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': What'd I miss? : '''Rex''': Wow, Doc. You sure got comfy quick. : '''White Knight''': Listen up, people. We need to retrieve a valuable asset before it falls into enemy hands. : '''Six''': What's the objective? : '''White Knight''': This man... Dr. Peter Meechum. : '''Rex''': That guy? I remember him. Van crazy kiddnaped his daughter. : '''White Knight''': Meechum spent the last year at a safehouse facility... Codename: Pandora's Box... location know only to me. : '''Rex''': Why all the cloak and dagger? : '''White Knight''': Because Meechum was one of the original scientists on the Nanite Project. He was given a panic button in case of emergency. Thirty minutes ago-- He activated it. : '''Six''': Providence? : '''White Knight''': We have to assume they're trying to assemble the original members of the Nanite Project. What Meechum knows is too valuable to fall into the wrong hands, so go get him. : '''Six''': Maybe Circe should stay here. : '''Rex''': What? Why? : '''Six''': She's not on the team yet-- Not officialy. : '''White Knight''': Take her. She'll be useful in the field. : '''Rex''': Ahem. You guys forget you key? Did you check under the mat? : '''Six''': Rex, focus on the mission. Get to Meechum! : '''Rex''': Relax, Six. I could take these guys in my sleep, especially with help from... Huh? Circe? Uh... Time-out? : '''Six''': Peter Meechum, you need to come with us. : ''[Dr. Meechum scoffs]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': Took you long enough. : '''Rex''': Time in. : '''White Knight''': Still no sign of Circe, Rex. We'll keep looking, but for right now, Meechum is our top priority. : '''Dr. Holiday''': We'll find her, Rex. Don't worry. : '''White Knight''': In the meantime, Dr. Meechum, I've checked, and your daughter is safe at her boarding school in England. : '''Dr. Meechum''': My daughter. Right. : '''White Knight''': We can make immediate arrangements to take you to her. : '''Dr. Meechum''': No, I'd rather stay with you if that's all right. It's, uh-- It's safer. : '''White Knight''': Of course. White Knight out. : '''Rex''': So, after that, Providence attacked Abysus to get the Master-Control Nanite. Guess you were next on their list. : '''Dr. Meechum''': I see. And all this happened in the last year? : '''Six''': You've missed a lot since you've been away, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Horrible. I could never work for a Providence like that. I have to say it's all very impressive. Providence has certainly done a lot in the last year. : '''Caesar''': And with your help, doctor, we can do more. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Where's White Knight? I should tell him I've arrived. : '''Black Knight''': I can answer that for you. It's good to have you back, doctor. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What happened to White? : '''Black Knight''': Just a routine change in command. Nothing to worry about. If you'll excuse me, gentlemen. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Tell me you have my money ready. : '''Black Knight''': You get away you want when I get what I want... Not before. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Relax. : '''Six''': I'm a professional, aren't I? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Six, see Meechum? I have some data I'd like to go over with him. Are you... okay? : '''Six''': Rebecca, I have something important to tell you. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Okay. Well... Thanks for tell me. : '''Six''': Rex, are you in here? I do not understand this show. : '''Dr. Holiday''': Am I interrupting? : '''Six''': Not at all. What can I do for you? : '''Dr. Holiday''': Nothing important. I just wanted to say... earlier... that was nice. Unexpected but nice. : '''Six''': Earlier? : '''Dr. Holiday''': In the lab? : '''Six''': I have no idea what you're talking about. : ''[Dr. Holiday scoffs]'' : '''Rex''': Six, I need to talk to you about Circe. Uh... Six? Earth to agent guy. You okay? : '''Six''': I'm fine. I've just decided not to waste any more time on you, Rex. : '''Rex''': Um... Is this because I accidentaly used your swords to slice a pizza? : '''Six''': It's because you're weak. You don't have what it takes to complete the mission. : '''Rex''': Ohh, I get it. This is one of your test, right? : '''Six''': No test. Just me coming to my senses. You're not strong enough to survive what's coming. In the end, you're gonna let us all down. : ''[Dr. Holiday crying]'' : '''Rex''': Doc? What's wrong? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' I-It's nothing, Rex. I didn't want you to see me like this. : '''Rex''': Well, what is it? : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' It's Six. I'm afraid of him. : '''Rex''': What?! That's crazy talk. : '''Dr. Holiday''': ''[Sobbing]'' Is it? You have to have seen it. He's violent, on edge. He's losing control. : '''Rex''': Are we talking about the same Six? : '''Dr. Holiday''': We don't even known him. He was a killer, Rex. The old Six might have changed, but how do we know this Six didn't come back... Wrong? : ''[Dr. Meechum whistling]'' : '''Dr. Meechum''': I have a question. How do you plan to re-create the project without a bio-interface expert? : '''Caesar''': Oh, but we do have one. : '''Van Kleiss''': No! The string doesn't work. Gordian knot, tied up tight. Alexander cheated. Can't cheat. Eyes on your own paper! Peter? No! Can't be! Different time, different me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Van Kleiss? You brought back that monster? : '''Caesar''': Of course. He was the original interface programmer. Who better? : '''Dr. Meechum''': Excuse me a moment. White, what the heck is going on?! : '''White Knight''': Peter? Where are you? : '''Dr. Meechum''': I'm at Providence. Where are you? : '''White Knight''': Providence. But that's not-- I have to go. We have a problem. : '''Rex''': You're darn right we have a problem, because this isn't Peter Meechum! : ''[Dr. Meechum laughing maniacally]'' : '''Scarecrow''': Heya, Rex. Miss me? : '''Rex''': Who are you? Where's Meechum? : '''White Knight''': His name's John Scarecrow. He's an EVO, specialist in infiltration. Black Knight played us. : '''Scarecrow''': You really don't remember me, Rex? I'll give you a hint. We used to share a stomping ground. We had a problem with a shapes hifter once. : '''Rex''': You were in Hong Kong. : '''Scarecrow''': Give the man a prize. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Six''': I think he went that way. : '''Rex''': Wait a minute. : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Rex''': I cannot believe I fell for that. : '''Scarecrow''': Look at you. You're ridiculous. You think he'll come to his senses, realize his true feelings? Then what? You'll settle down. White picket fence. Little agent kids. You're fooling yourself. You're the worst of them... you know that?... Because you know better. You really think you can save the world? None of you can survive what's coming! : '''Rex''': Prove it's really you. What's my favorite color? : '''Six''': I have no idea. : '''Rex''': It's you, all right. : ''[Dr. Holiday screaming]'' : '''Dr. Holiday''': Put it away. I'm not the EVO. : '''Six''': We heard you scream. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That wasn't me. : '''Six''': Let's all calm down. We can figure this out. : '''Rex''': Why, Six? Because I'm weak? You don't think I can handle this? : '''Six''': I never said that. : '''Rex''': But you think it, right? I don't see you putting down your guns, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday''': I know it's not me. I'm not sure about you two. : ''[Scarecrow laughs]'' : '''Scarecrow''': So easy. I barely had to nudge you. : '''Rex''': Whatever you're after, you're not getting away with it. : '''Scarecrow''': Get away with it?! Re-e-e-x, I got what I needed in the first five minutes. : '''Rex''': Then why? Why do all this? : '''Scarecrow''': Simple. I wanted to do to you what you did to me. : '''Rex''': I'm done with you! : ''[Scarecrow groans]'' : '''Scarecrow''': The big hero. Why do you get to forget? It's not fair! : '''Rex''': Whine, whine, whine. What... you didn't get enough crazy hugs as a kid? : '''Scarecrow''': You think I'm the only one you hurt? Then tell me-- : '''Skwydd''': What about us? Why'd you betray me? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Circe:''' You promised to protect me, Rex. Where were you? : '''Rex:''' Stop it! : ''[Rex groans]'' : ''[Rex breathing heavily]'' : '''Caesar''': Face it, bro. It's why I left you. Mom and dad, too. : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Rex''': You're your own worst enemy. : '''Dr. Holiday''': That's for Rex. That's for Providence. And that was for the kiss. : '''White Knight''': Providence won this round. No question. : '''Rex''': They have the real Meechum. Maybe more. : '''Dr. Holiday''': There's no telling how much of our system Scarecrow uploaded. : '''Six''': But we have to assume they know everything we do. : ''[Scarecrow laughs evilly]'' : '''White Knight''': Black Knight is coming for us. It's just a matter of time. : '''Dr. Holiday''': So? I mean, we knew that. Nothing's changed, right? : '''Six''': Rex, this is what they wanted-- To turn us against each other. : '''Rex''': Yeah, and look how easy it was. We thought we were a team, but we're not. We're vulnerable. : '''Van Kleiss''': It's Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. Looking past Occam's Razor, we can clearly see to a quantum level. A quantum level is what I'm trying to achieve, because if I didn't do the quantum level, then I can understand what's happening. : '''Caesar''': I know you don't like this, but it's not about us. : '''Dr. Meechum''': Can you do it? Can you control him? : '''Caesar''': Leave Van Kleiss to me. : '''Dr. Meechum''': What about Black Knight? I don't like her, Salazar. Never did. : '''Caesar''': Trust me, Peter-- When we're finished, the end will justify the means. ===Hermanos=== :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-OA! Unh! Ugh! :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Agent Six''': Be careful, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm touched by your concern, Six. :'''Agent Six''': It's not for you. We don't have Providence to pick up the tab anymore. You break it, you buy it. :''[Rex growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm saving the day here. What are they gonna do--Sue me? Oh, come on! It was a rhetorical question! What was I supposed to do? The whole building was made of glass! :'''Lawyer''': ''[Hispanic accent]'' Glass? What are you talking about? :'''Rex Salazar''': I'm... not talking about anything. What are you talking about? :'''Lawyer''': Mr. Salazar, I'm an associate at the stateside branch of the Argentinean firm Gomez and Gomez. And today, sir, is your lucky day! :'''Rex Salazar''': What's this? :'''Lawyer''': It's yours! :'''Noah Nixon''': No away! This is your house? :'''Rex Salazar''': I know! According to the lawyer guy, this rancho in Argentina's been in my family forever. And ever since my parents died in the event, those lawyers have been trying to track down the heir. And guess who that is. :'''Noah Nixon''': You and your brother? :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, yeah, right. Him too. :'''Caesar Salazar''': Not a good time, Rex. :'''Rex Salazar''': Dude, it's never a good time, but you go to-- O...kay, so maybe this really isn't a good time, but this is important. I was being chased by a lawyer. No, I wasn't being sued this time. But you'll never guess what he-- :'''Caesar Salazar''': Is this about the rancho? :'''Rex Salazar''': You know about it? :'''Caesar Salazar''': Those lawyers have left me a dozen messages. :'''Rex Salazar''': And you didn't tell me? Caesar, I never even knew we had this place! There might be photo albums, home movies-- I don't know-- maybe even an old teddy bear or something. :'''Caesar Salazar''': You never had a teddy bear. :'''Rex Salazar''': See, the fact that you know that and I don't-- that's why we need to go down there. :'''Lawyer''': Clear! :'''Caesar Salazar''': I can't, Rex. My work's already been interrupted once today. Although... Now that you mention the ranch, it does bring back some memories. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? Like what? :'''Caesar Salazar''': There was an experiment I remember mom and dad running. If you could find the notes, it might save some time on the work I'm doing now. :'''Rex Salazar''': Notes? Come on. Isn't family more important than-- Guess not. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Why can't I have a normal brother? Know anything about cows? Thanks for coming with me. This is really a family thing, but my brother is, well-- My brother. :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you kidding? I'm psyched! I've been killing myself trying to find a birthday present for Claire. A vacation at my best friend's awesome ancestral estate? What other guy could offer her that? :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, but then why bring Annie? :'''Annie''': Um, this just kind of broke off. :''[Annie, Claire and Noah screaming]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': AAAAAAH! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': I sure hope this isn't included in Six's "You break it, you buy it" policy. :'''Annie''': Sorry. :'''Rex Salazar''': No problem. We're here. :'''Claire Bowman''': Are... you sure this is the place? :'''Noah Nixon''': What happened to it? :'''Annie''': Hey, don't look at me. I just got there. :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Annie''': Okay, that was me. :'''Rex Salazar''': I guess this must be my... family. :'''Claire Bowman''': Looks like you-- But with a 'stache. :'''Annie''': I like you with a 'stache. :'''Claire Bowman''': Hey, there are chickens in here! :'''Annie''': And llamas! :'''Noah Nixon''': Chicken, llamas-- And a funny-looking bull. :''[Chiquito snorts]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I-I-I take it back! You're not funny-looking! :'''Chiquito''': This place is Durango's! :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, actually-- :'''Chuquito''': No fancy talk! Just go! :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Okay, number one, how is "actually" fancy talk! Number two, I don't know who Durango is, but this farm isn't his. And number three-- :''[Chiquito grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Ugh! Ugh! All right, there's no misunderstanding the international language of getting punched in the face. So read my fist-- Get out of my house! :'''Chiquito''': Durango will not be happy! :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, don't know who that guy was, but problem solved. :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh, you think? Aah! :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Calmate, Chiquito. You are my brother. I would not do anything to hurt mi hermano. Unless you force me to. I cannot lose that tract of land. Without its right of way, I will lose my claim on the rest of the county. But never mind. They will learn-- When you mess with the bull, you get the horns. :'''Rex Salazar''': OHHH! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': A chicken just tried to poop on my shoe! :'''Rex Salazar''': I think I can top you there. :'''Noah Nixon''': No offense, but when I asked Claire to come here, this wasn't what I was hoping for. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, me either. I mean, I was thinking I'd find-- I don't know what. But everything in this place has been smashed or stolen. Maybe this whole family thing isn't for me. :''[Noah gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': That's the one! :'''Claire Bowman''': Please, Noah. It just needed a little help laying an egg. :'''Rex Salazar''': ''[Chuckling]'' What, did you grow up on a farm in Kansas? :'''Claire Bowman''': An apartment in Chicago-- Which is where I learned to download videos onto my phone. :'''Telephone Voice''': When caring for an egg bearing hen, remember to-- :'''Muchado''': Hola? Quien esta aquí? :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh... hello? :'''Muchado''': So, you are the Americans? I am Señor Muchado-- The juez. :'''Claire Bowman''': That's like a judge? :'''Muchado''': Sí. For all intents and purposes, I am the law in this county-- Which is why I have come here with him. :'''Rex Salazar''': Good, because I definitely want to press charges. :'''Muchado''': You misunderstand. I am here because of the trouble you caused for Chiquito. :'''Rex Salazar''': Chiquito? :''[Rex chuckles]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Your mom must have some sense of humor to name you "Tiny". :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Muchado''': Chiquito's brother is Señor Durango. He controls most of the land in this county, including this hacienda. At Señor Durango's request, I have prepared a legal order compelling you to vacate. :'''Claire Bowman''': But this is Rex's farm. :'''Annie''': Yeah, he's got a deed and everything. :'''Muchado''': This might have some bearing-- If you were a Salazar. :'''Rex Salazar''': Well, we're in luck. I am. :'''Annie''': Maybe this will help. :'''Muchado''': You may be a Salazar, but by our law, this land has been deemed abandoned, and Señor Durango has claimed it. :'''Rex Salazar''': Sorry. Been sort of busy saving the world and stuff. But I'm here now, so consider his claim unclaimed, then reclaimed by me. :'''Muchado''': It is not so simple. You would have to demonstrate you are actively maintaining the ranch. That means shearing and feeding the animals, bringing your bulls to market-- :'''Rex Salazar''': To market? What, like a... cattle drive? :'''Claire Bowman''': No problem. We can totally figure out how to do that. :'''Muchado''': A ranch this size requires at least a dozen hired men. :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay, just... uh... :'''Muchado''': No one within 100 kilometers will help you cross Señor Durango. If you do this, you will do it alone. And you will fail. :'''Claire Bowman''': Well, that guy was kind of a jerk. :'''Annie''': Yeah. So, let's get to work. :'''Noah Nixon''': How? Everything here is broken. :'''Annie''': Uh, have you seen my house? :'''Rex Salazar''': You guys don't have to do this. :'''Claire Bowman''': What kind of friend would walk away now? :'''Noah Nixon''': Uh... yeah! No way you could stop me from helping take care of these totally not-gross animals. :'''Rex Salazar''': Really? :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, I'm smiling like that's what I mean, aren't? :''[Noah exhales deeply]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': I can do this! I can't do this. Until I've done my milking warm-up. :'''Claire Bowman''': Ugh. Hold this. :'''Telephone Voice''': With you head resting on her flank, gently grasp the udder with the palm of your hand. :'''Noah Nixon''': AAH! :''[Claire giggles]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': I think she likes you. :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': This is your home. Get in your home! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Whoa! AAAH! AAH! Ugh! This is hopeless! This farm only has one bull, and I can't even get it into the barn. And this... better just be mud. :'''Annie''': Hang on! I'll help you! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': No! Don't! :'''Noah Nixon''': Are you guys okay? :'''Claire Bowman''': What is it? A storm cellar? :'''Noah Nixon''': Looks like some kind of lab. :'''Rex Salazar''': Figures. My mom and dad were Caesar's parents, too. Of course they'd find a way to take work home with them. Probably where those notes Caesar wanted are. Might as well grab them before the judge kicks us out. :'''Claire Bowman''': What's he talking about? I think we're doing a pretty good job taking care of the-- :'''Annie''': Uh, guys-- :''[Claire grunts]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Wait-- Donkeys eat hay, don't they? Maybe we can use it to lure them back into the barn. :'''Annie''': I got it! Ugh! :''[Annie gasps]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, on the plus side, at least we now know for sure that donkeys do eat hay. :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day, these things are going to change the world, and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': ''[chuckling]'' Caesar, please, mi hijo. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay! Okay! :''[Claire sniffs]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': What's that smell? :'''Noah Nixon''': Which one? Everything here smells. :'''Claire Bowman''': No, it smells like... smoke! :'''Annie''': Rex! The straw caught on fire, and it exploded! :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Chiquito''': Hermano! No! Oomph! :'''Senior Durango''': What were you thinking? I told you to smoke them out, not burn the land! This is my land! If you weren't my brother-- :''[Chiquito growls]'' :'''Senior Durango''': But you are. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': So, you must be the brother. Hope I'm not interrupting some kind of weird tender moment. :'''Senior Durango''': Soy Durango. And I hope there is still a chance we can reach a resonable agreement. :'''Claire Bowman''': So, then you'll let Rex keep the farm? We played by the rules. :'''Senior Durango''': Around here, I make the rules. :'''Annie''': But the judge said-- :'''Senior Durango''': The judge works for me. Now, please, I'm giving you one last chance to leave. :'''Noah Nixon''': Okay, sure! Oh, wait-- That's right. Your fire blew up what was left of our plane! :'''Rex Salazar''': Uh, let me handle the trash-talking with the 20-foot-tall monster EVO, okay? Leave them out of this! They shouldn't even be here! It should have been my brother! :'''Senior Durango''': That is why you will lose your farm. Without family, a man is nothing. After all, what is this land to them? :'''Rex Salazar''': I don't even know what this place is to me. I came here hoping to find out more about who my family is. :''[Rex start looking at Noah, Claire and Annie, and smile to them]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': And I did. So, you're going to stop threatening them-- And me-- And get off my land. :''[Durango snarls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Okay. Here's the plan-- Stay behind me! Whoa! Ugh! :'''Noah Nixon''': Well, there goes that plan. :'''Senior Durango''': Hurt them. You can do that, can't you? :'''Claire Bowman''': W-what do we do now?! :'''Annie''': The only one of us with powers just got kicked to the curb. :'''Noah Nixon''': That depends on what you mean by "powers". :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :''[Rex muffled grunting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Not a good time, Caesar. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just wanted to tell you-- Forget about those notes. I realized that's not what's important about you going down there. :''[Durango snarls]'' :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Wow, Caesar. I can't believe you came around. :'''Caesar Salazar''': I just realized-- The really important thing is, if you happen to find a termo-chronometer I remember having down there, it would save me from ordering one. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito growls]'' :''[Chiquito snarls, roars]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': Ugh! :''[Chiquito snorts]'' <hr width80%> :[''On videotape of the Salazar family]'' :'''Rafael Salazar''': One day these things are going to change the world and you'll be there to see it. :'''Violetta Salazar''': Cesar, please miquito. Stop working for a minute and hold the camera. :'''Young Caesar Salazar''': Okay, okay. <hr width80%> :'''Noah Nixon''': This morning, I almost had to touch a cow's underparts. You think you can do me worse than that? Bring it. :''[Chiquito snarls]'' :''[Chiquito roars]'' :'''Annie''': Ugh! I didn't mean for that to happen. :'''Claire Bowman''': We did. :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Ugh! AAAAAAAAAAARGH! :'''Senior Durango''': OOMPH! :''[Durango lows]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': WH-O-O-O-O-O-O O-OA! :''[Durango lows]'' :''[Durango snorts]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': AAAAAAAAH! :''[Durango growls]'' :''[Durango growls]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': Trust me-- My brother's let me down way worse. But what am I gonna do? He's my brother. :'''Senior Durango''': It is over. :'''Rex Salazar''': Nice ego there, but I've been hit a lot harder. :''[Durango spits]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Those bells signal the market is ending soon. I can see you have yet to herd you cattle there. :'''Rex Salazar''': Oh, come on! The one cattle I've got doesn't even move! :'''Senior Durango''': If you do not have your cattle to market before it ends, you will have failed to fulfill your deed, and this land will be mine. :'''Rex Salazar''': Then I guess I don't have any time to waste talking about it. :'''Claire Bowman''': Come on. Come here. :'''Rex Salazar''': Forget it. I got this. :'''Claire Bowman''': WHOO-HOO! Yes! Go, Rex! :''[Rex grunting]'' :'''Claire Bowman''': Where's Durango? :'''Rex Salazar''': OWW! Come on! You don't move the whole time, and you can't stay still? :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Noah Nixon''': What is this, a western? You're actually trying to stop him with a rockslide? :'''Senior Durango''': You? Here? How is that even possible? :'''Telephone Voice''': Donkeys can be ridden surprinsingly fast if you-- :'''Noah Nixon''': Come on! Just give up! The farm belong to Rex. And I really want to get off this thing. :'''Senior Durango''': You think I'm afraid of you ''[scoffs]'' boy? :'''Claire Bowman''': Oh, it's not the boy you should be afraid of. :'''Annie''': Oops. :''[Durango grunting]'' :'''Senior Durango''': Ugh! :''[Rex panting]'' :'''Rex Salazar''': We sheared the llamas, we milked the cows, I got the bull to town. We did everything in the deed. :'''Muchado''': Sí, sí. But more important, you faced Durango and won! Once the other ranchers hear of this, they won't be afraid. You have broken Durango's hold on our lands. :'''Rex Salazar''': Wait-- You're... happy about that? :'''Muchado''': Of course. I told you exactly what you had to do to legally gain control of the land, didn't I? :'''Rex Salazar''': Huh. I guess you did. :'''Claire Bowman''': Wow! Can you believe how you perfect this all worked out? :'''Noah Nixon''': Yeah, uh, so, maybe we should get out of here before we wear out our welcome. :'''Rex Salazar''': There's just one thing I want to do first. ===The Rescue=== :''Note'': Rex goes alone to rescue his girlfriend Circe from the clutches of Black Knight. but it turns out she has been waiting for him. <hr width80%> ===Alone Together=== :''Note'': Finally together at last, Rex and Circe reminiscence about their good and hard times together ans their romance begins to grow. ===Retribution=== ===Temporary Insanity=== ===Crime and Punishment=== :''Note:'' His false insanity revealed, Van Kleiss abducts Circe with the intent of punishing her for betraying him, due to her enduring love for Rex. <hr width80%> :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, Circe, you shall learn the ultimate price of betraying me. :'''Rex:''' ''Leave her alone!!'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, Rex. For young love. One of your greatest weaknesses. After I finish off your beloved, you will no longer be a hindrance to me. :'''Rex''' (''enraged'')''':''' I ''said''...LEAVE HER ALONE!!! <hr width80%> ===Shadowed Past=== ===Separation Anxiety=== ===Brotherly Love=== ===Rocky My World=== :'''Beverly:''' Oh, this is so awesome! We're seeing the Trendbenders live! :'''Rex:''' Well, maybe not see them, but we'll totally hear them. :'''Sebastian''': Attention! The Trendbenders will be arriving through the back of the club. :'''Beverly:''' Slick trick! Yes, Rebecca. I know! Only drink the bottled water. No, we're not that close to the stage. Ugh! I know that's where they mosh-pit. Don't worry! Bye! :'''Rex:''' Your sister is acting like your mother. I wouldn't put up with it. Doc?! I'm right next to her! Yes, we've got earplugs. Only bottled water-- I know! Yes, you'll pick us up at 11:00. Okay! Bye! :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' I met a guy who has looking for a lucky break. I met a guy mad he wouldn't make a mistake. No loser here the weight would be upon his face. This ain't no lucky break it's just another day. :'''Beverly:''' Hey! :'''Rex:''' There's something wrong with that guy. :'''Beverly:''' Yeah! It's called lack of social skills. :'''Sebastian:''' We have to talk! You got to listen to me! :'''Rex:''' I think they're a little too busy for a chat right now. :'''Sebastian:''' It's me! Your first fan! :'''Rex:''' Come on, dude. Can't you just watch the show, like everyone else? :'''Sly:''' ''[singing]'' You won't bring me down. Yeah-yeah-yeah. You won't bring me down. :'''Sebastian:''' I'm not just everyone else. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' You want to rethink trying to stop me? :'''Beverly:''' Whoa! Geek in triplicate! :'''Rex:''' More like EVO geek. :'''Sebastian:''' I bet you're not even a real fan! :'''Rex:''' Hey, I know their music! :'''Sebastian:''' Yeah? What album is "Bitten on the Wind" from? :'''Beverly:''' Uh, their first album. :'''Sebastian:''' Wrong! Their third! Poser! :'''Sly:''' Here's one from our first album-- "Bitten on the Wind." :'''Beverly:''' Told ya! Their first album! Who's the poser now? :'''Sebastian:''' But it is their third. They keep denying their first two albums exist! :'''Rex:''' Huh? :''[Rex bones cracking]'' :'''Rex:''' Shouldn't you be home, making sure your mom isn't snooping around your basement? Ouch! All right, I've had enough. :'''Sebastian:''' I know you. You're that guy from Providence that beats up on EVOs. :'''Rex:''' And I'm guessing you're not one of my fans. :'''Sebastian:''' This isn't over! They still need me to show them the way back. I'll make them listen to me.. No matter what! Ugh! :'''Man:''' No re-entry without a hand stamp. :'''Rex:''' Uh, but-- :'''JoJo:''' It's okay. He's with me. I'm JoJo, the band's manager. :'''Beverly:''' Oh! Sly Tyler, vocals, six-stringer. Burrito Beau on the big bottom, and Leon Adler on the skins. :'''Beau:''' Bass. Drums. :'''Beverly:''' They're even cutter up close! :'''JoJo:''' But Sebastian isn't. And now that fruitcake fan has become a major menace. :'''Rex:''' You know who that guy is? :'''Sly:''' Yeah, he's one of our first fans from way back. :'''Leon:''' But he didn't like our change in music direction. :'''Beau:''' Change, like in popular. :'''Sly:''' So he started sending us nasty e-mails and slagging us on the fan sites. :'''JoJo:''' But now he's turned violent, and it turns out he's... H-he's... :'''Rex:''' An EVO that can multiply himself. :'''JoJo:''' We can't handle that kind of threat, but you can. :'''Beverly:''' Is this a job offer? :'''JoJo:''' As head of security for the rest of the tour. :'''Rex:''' Huh, I don't know. Putting up with groupies, great music, catering, the Rock'n'roll lifestyle-- Oh, right, like I'm not totally in for this! :'''Beverly:''' And I'm your deputy, sheriff. :'''Sly:''' Absolutely. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Absolutely not. :'''Rex:''' They've got an EVO threat. :''[Dr. Holiday sighs]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Fine, Rex. Beverly? And don't forget to use earplugs. :'''Rex:''' Private jet to the next gig? Airline-- First class? Coach? :'''JoJo:''' Of the road kind. :'''Rex:''' Traveling the open road, bringing music to the people. Where to next? :'''Beau:''' Eugene, Oregon. ''[Unenthusiastically]'' WHOO-HOO! :'''Rex:''' Ow! :'''Leon:''' Bad seat. Got a lot of them. :''[Beau farts]'' :''[Rex sniffs]'' :'''Leon and Rex:''' Oh! :''[Leon coughs]'' :'''Leon:''' Isn't the ozone layer depleted enough, Beau? :'''Rex:''' Want to hit the streets and check out the local scene? :'''Sly:''' Seriously, man? It's just another town. :'''Beau:''' Been there. Seen them all. :'''TV Announcer:''' He's currently under 3, 2 behind the leader. This is a very tricky-- :'''Rex:''' Oh, let's throw this in the pool! :'''Leon:''' Hey, I'm watching something, dude! :'''Rex:''' How about a food fight? :'''Sly:''' Sorry, man. Not feeling it. :'''Rex:''' This isn't feeling very Rock'n'Roll. :'''JoJo:''' Rex, we hired you to consult on security, not rock-tour clichés. :'''Sebastian:''' Room service. :'''JoJo:''' Again? You guys, this is costing too much. :'''Sly:''' But we didn't order anything else. :'''Sebastian:''' That's okay. This is on the house! :''[Sebastian grunts]'' :''[JoJo gasps]'' :'''Rex:''' Look out! He's got... Paperwork? :'''Sebastian:''' I've got notes and visuals on where you've gone commercial and how you can get back to your roots! He's with the band now? He's not even a real fan! You see? You've got to come with me. You need my help! :'''Rex:''' They're not going anywhere, but you are! :'''Sebastian:''' My copies don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But you do! :'''Girl:''' Whoa! You must really be a big fan! :'''Sebastian:''' Only of their early stuff. :'''Girl:''' Eww! Their early stuff is weak. :'''Teen girl:''' But their new songs are awesome! :''[Girls giggling]'' :''[Sebastian growls]'' :''[Girls screaming]'' :'''Rex:''' Excuse me. I'm with the band. :'''Teen girl:''' But you missed your ride. :'''Rex:''' That's okay. I've got my own. :'''Man:''' Rock bands! Never again! :'''Sebastian:''' I've got to take you away from this sellout existence, where you deny your first two albums even exist. :'''Sly:''' B-but those albums weren't any good. That's why we only had a few fans, like you. :'''Rex:''' If there's only three of them, then who's driving the car? :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Did he... Ah! Rent that car from the circus? Time to cut this act short. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' Oh, man. I went to my first Trendbenders show in that car. :'''Rex:''' Maybe I can't turn off your obsession, but I can shut down your nanites. :'''Beau:''' That clone-boy? :'''Rex:''' I don't think he's going to be a problem now. :'''JoJo:''' We can still use you on the tour. What did you say? :'''Rex:''' Yes! :'''Sly:''' Good man! ''[singing]'' You see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", kill your radio, you live a life for all to see, sometimes it's right, sometimes obscene, now you're the enemy, it's one for all and all for me, unlocking doors and misery, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, out of time, kill your radio, it isn't all, that it's cracked up to be, I never thought it'd be so easy, I wouldn't have it any other way, you see the light, and it's oh, so bright, a million times more than before, now we'll show you the door, some starts fade, and some starts shine, the bright ones stand the test of time, the others burn out and sing, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah, we almost made it", "yeah, but we're overrated", out of time, kill your radio, "yeah". :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Sly:''' At least we got a day off before the next gig. :'''JoJo:''' Guys, a club owner in fleeceburg just offered us amazing money. I booked it. :'''Rex:''' For when? :'''JoJo:''' We're already running late. :'''Sly:''' They're paying money for us to play in this dump? :'''JoJo:''' Big money. Come on. You're on in ten minutes. :'''Rex:''' I'm guessing ticket sales are a little slow. :'''Leon:''' Are we breaking up? :'''Beau:''' This dive seems awfully familiar. :'''Sebastian:''' It should. :'''Rex:''' That voice seems awfully familiar! :'''Teens:''' Dude! Nobody move! What's going on? Who's touching me? What is this? Excuse me. What is going on? :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I built an exact replica of the first club you played in. :'''Beau:''' Hey, that's one of my puke stains. Fruitcake knows his details. :'''Rex:''' But I cured you. :'''Sebastian:''' Hmm... That was a copy, not the original. :'''Sly:''' Whatever. When's this gonna end, fan-boy? :'''Sebastian:''' It ends tonight. Check the floor at your feet. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Sebastian:''' I've given up trying to get you back to your roots. So now you'll play what I want to hear for the next hour. And then your career ends with a bang. :'''Sly:''' On behalf of the band, I'd like to thank our manager, JoJo, for booking this totally insane gig! :''[JoJo laughs nervously]'' :'''Sebastian:''' The sound of cold, hard cash is the only music sellouts like you listen to anymore. :'''Rex:''' They're not sellouts. They just got more popular than you wanted. :'''Sebastian:''' You try anything, and I'll end their last gig prematurely. You're only alive because I want you to see what the Trendbenders used to be like. For the next hour give me the early stuff, when you were cool. :'''Sly:''' Why bother? You're gonna nuke us, anyway. :'''Sebastian:''' Because if you don't play, this happens! :'''Sly:''' Aah! :'''Leon, Sly and Beau:''' No more! :'''Sly:''' Okay, dude, what's the first number? :'''Sebastian:''' "Crawling undertow"! :'''Sly:''' Well, how does it feel? :'''Sebastian:''' First album, seventh song. Fifth song on the Japanese import. :'''Sly:''' To get that weight back on our shoulders-- :'''Sebastian:''' You're giving it a beat that wasn't in the original, man! Not even in the remix from the box set. Play it right this time! I'm missing the concert because of you! :'''Rex:''' Stinks to be you. Got to cure the real Sebastian. But which one is the mother ship? :'''Sebastian:''' You can't even play your old songs like you used to. Total disappointment. Let's end this bummer concert. :'''Sly:''' But we still have over a half-hour left! :'''Sebastian:''' Last song, no encore. :'''Rex:''' Tell me who's the original, or I'll turn you into dessert topping! :'''Sebastian:''' You don't scare me. I don't feel pain. :'''Rex:''' But the real Sebastian does. Sly! Maximum feedback! Now! Thanks, Doc. :'''Sebastian''': AAAHHHH! :'''Rex:''' How do you like their new hit, Sebastian Prime? Here's another new groove you're not going to like. :'''Sebastian:''' Aah! :'''Rex:''' Congrats. You're back to being a solo act. :'''Sebastian:''' You've got to listen to me! :''[Sebastian yelling]'' :'''Rex:''' Kidnapping, assault and battery, construction without a permit-- that should keep him away for years. :'''JoJo:''' Have to say it, guys, but we've got a gig in toledo to get to. Security? :'''Rex:''' Not anymore. Sebastian's done, and so am I. :'''Sly:''' Dude, I thought you wanted the rock'n'roll lifestyle. :'''Rex:''' I'm not tough enough for it. I need to get back to something easier, like city-smashing EVOs and conspiracies to take over the world. :'''Beau:''' Don't know what your missing. :'''Rex:''' I think do. But I don't miss this. Yes, doc? Don't need my earplugs anymore. I quit. Will you let me tell you? No, the EVO threat wasn't just an excuse. Well, I'm coming back! Will you let-- Doc! ===Lost and Found=== ===My Brother's Keeper=== ===Target: the Consortium=== : '''Jungle Cat:''' You are...? : '''Rex:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. What are you? : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : '''Rex:''' HUNH! AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! : ''[Rex gasps deeply]'' : '''Rex:''' Whoa. That was a total zero on the fun meter. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Learning how to communicate with the nanite world isn't about fun. Did you get anywhere at all? : '''Rex:''' Don't know. I connected with a Master Control Nanite for a second, and then I lost it. But I also got, like, this feeling that something's about to happen in the nanite world. Something... big. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Argh! This is Rylander's speciality, not mine. There's no way I can cover for him. : '''Caesar:''' Not to worry, Dr. Meechum. You won't have to any longer. Dr. Rylander will take over from here. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Oh, really, Caesar? From his current location of beyond the grave? : '''Rylander:''' Actually, Peter, I was never completely dead-- just spread a little thin-- ''[chuckling]'' Moleculary speaking. Caesar's been working on putting me back together. : '''Black Knight:''' All of them together-- At last. Contact the Consortium. We now have something to show them. Something big. : '''White Knight:''' Even having two of the Master-Control Nanites doesn't change the vital importance of finding the other three. But the latest intel I've received could give us a way to neutralize the group obsessed with these machines. : '''Six:''' The Consortium. : '''Rex:''' Aren't those the money guys that bankrolled the Nanite Project in Providence? : '''White Knight:''' The same. Formerly made-up of six members, but now five-- Reddick, made his wealth in real estate and construction. Vostock, black market finance and KGB... Zanubian, arms dealing and shipping. Roswell, oil and minerals. Anthony Haden-Scott, worldwide media. : ''[Rex munches]'' : '''Rex:''' Should we be writing this down for the pop quiz later? : '''White Knight:''' You may be facing them soon because of the efforts of our stealthiest agent. : '''Rex:''' Mm! Thank you! I think. : '''Jungle Cat:''' He's not talking about you. : '''Rex:''' Hey! It's Evo-cat guy! Uh... sorry-- What's your name? O...kay, cat with no collar, what's in the sack? Bunch of canaries? Well, that's... something. : '''White Knight:''' Our associate has been tracking the Consortium with a little help from a former member. : '''Rex:''' I remember him! He's the one Rylander got revenge on with an EVO love letter. : '''Jungle Cat:''' That he never recovered from. But he's still full of useful knowledge about the other members. : '''Rex:''' As long as you have a towel handy for the answers. : '''Jungle Cat:''' The Consortium has financed a new facility for nanite research. All of them will be at that location within the next six hours. : '''Six:''' And so will we. : '''White Knight:''' A rare opportunity like this can't be missed. You three will capture the Consortium and bring them to a secure location. Understood? : '''Rex:''' Purrfectly. : '''Black Knight:''' Gentlemen, I wanted you here today to-- : '''Reddick:''' "Wanted?" Sounds like a command. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You get to ask, not order. : '''Black Knight:''' I'm sorry. Let me restate. I asked you here because I can now present some major developments in your quest. I finished construction on the nanite reactor and reassembled against all odds the original science team to run it. Doctors Meechum, systems expert. Salazar, artificial intelligence. Rylander, microengineering. And Van Kleiss, biomechanical integration. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Nanite's recorder locked in. Hologram Rylander saves money on meals. Glow, glow, glow, yipper. : ''[Van Kleiss smooches]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' A human flashlight and a brain-fried babbler. This is what I'm supposed to work with. : '''Vostok:''' Looks like your geniuses have some issues. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' ''[British accent]'' I seem to recall there were two other Salazars on the team. : '''Black Knight:''' They're dead-- And just as well. Considering their actions are responsible for our setbacks, I highly doubt they would have cooperated. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Black Pawns:''' Ohh! : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' Black Pawns got to talk to their costume designer. Way too stuffy. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Be quiet. : '''Six:''' Our target? : '''Roswell:''' ''[Southern accent]'' Little lady, I'm hoping you didn't get me out here just to watch some lab jockeys do their homework. : '''Vostok:''' I know I've got better things to do. : '''Black Knight:''' Aside from the all-important reassembly of the science team and activation of the nanite reactor, I do have another development to show you. : '''Roswell:''' Yeah? What else you got? : '''Black Knight:''' An acquisition. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Lost... and found. : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' What's wrong with you? : '''Rex:''' Forget the Consortium! I know where we can find a Master-Control Nanite. : '''Six:''' Where? : '''Rex''': Here. : '''Six:''' We're doing both. You two get the nanite, I'll get the Consortium. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' On of the five? That's all? : '''Reddick:''' You know we need all of the Master-Control Nanites to do us any good. : '''Vostok:''' What about the two you lost? And the other two still out there? : '''Black Knight:''' We'll have the other four in due time. Take this back to the vault. But remember that each one has its own useful powers. : '''Roswell:''' Not enough to drag me all the way out there, little lady. : '''Black Knight:''' "Black Knight". : '''Black Pawns:''' You're not one of us. : '''Six:''' Stay clear of the Pawns. They're not buying our cover. Repeat-- Stay clear of the Pawns. : '''Rex:''' Steel door. A vault! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' That was close. : '''Rex:''' Got it. Have to be as stealthy as you from now on. : ''[Jungle Catsnarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Van Kleiss! : ''[Jungle Cat muffled grunting]'' : '''Rex:''' Way not to be stealthy. Sorry, cat guy. I know you want payback for him turning you into stone and all, but the nanite is more important. : '''Black Pawns:''' Security alert. Intruder. : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' You find the nanite. I'll be a diversion. <hr width80%> : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' She has shown us some progress. That one nanite is significant in itself. : '''Reddick:''' It's all five or nothing. Or are you thinking of working a separate deal with the one? : '''Vostok:''' Can we please not talk like this while those two are in the room? : '''Roswell:''' Yeah, Xanubian, put a sock in all your yammerin'. : '''Black Pawns:''' Another intruder at security zone three. It's Agent Six. : '''Rex:''' Gotcha. : '''Black Pawns:''' Unh! Aah! : '''Rex:''' I'll take that. Six! I've got the nanite! : '''Six:''' Meet your outside. : ''[Rex gasps]'' : ''[Rex grunting]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' I've got it! Let's scat, cat! : '''Black Knight:''' If he's here-- So is Rex. Vault security, come in. : '''Reddick:''' Is there a problem? : '''Black Knight:''' A minor security issue. I'm taking care of it. : '''Vostok:''' ''[Russian accent]'' You better, little lady. : '''Rex:''' Well, mission half accomplished. : '''Six:''' This should complete it. : '''Rex:''' You planted a bomb?! : '''Six:''' Plan "B". : '''Rex:''' The cat! He's still inside! No! We've got to go back for the cat! He's on his own mission. Van Kleiss is there. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Black Pawns:''' Black Knight, shouldn't we evacuate? : '''Black Knight:''' The security threat has been removed. Among other things. Track them, find them. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Interlace template, instal copper buffers, hold the mayo, set core temp, heat cold fries. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Remember me? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Someone let the cat in. : '''Jungle Cat:''' You cast me aside as if I was garbage. Turned me to stone. Drained me of life-- Almost. Now it's your turn to suffer. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Had a kitty once. Not you. Bubbles liked catnip and parsnips. Chapped lips. Hip, hip, hooray! : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're here to clean up, ask for directions, not Dr. Screwloose. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Meechum. Bro. He's here to put Van Kleiss out of the world's misery. Give me a reason why he shouldn't. : ''[Jungle Cat growls]'' : '''Rylander:''' Because the world needs him right now, Rex. : '''Rex:''' Dr. Rylander! How did you-- : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Rex:''' ''[to Caesar]'' You got it to work. : '''Rylander:''' I've looked better, I'll admit, but I'm still very much alive. And so happy to see you again. : '''Rex:''' If you could bring him back-- : '''Caesar:''' Sorry, Rex. It won't work for mom and dad. : '''Rex:''' So, you've come back-- But you're working for them! : '''Rylander:''' It seems crazy, I know, but look at our progress-- The nanite reactor is almost operational! : '''Rex:''' Not if I destroy it. : '''Black Knight:''' Surround them. : '''Caesar:''' Trust me, hermano, We're doing the right thing. : '''Rex:''' You keep saying that, but I don't believe it anymore! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Bubbles, I'm sorry. Here, kitty, kitty. Left you out in the rain, rain go away-- : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarling]'' : '''Van Kleiss:''' Ugh! Easy on the hot sauce, Peter, Peter pumpkin two seater. : '''Rylander:''' ''[to Caesar]'' Tell him, Caesar! : '''Rex:''' Tell me what? : '''Six:''' Revenge time is up. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : ''[Jungle Cat roars]'' : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Aah! Careful! Our work! Ugh! Take it outside! : '''Rex:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunting]'' : '''Jungle Cat:''' Rex. Rex Salazar. : '''Rex:''' I can't talk now! Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Thank you. : '''Rex:''' You're so not welcome. : '''Black Knight:''' You should have left when you had the chance. : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' You guys have such a great cafeteria. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Had to come back for more. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Aah! Unh! : '''Six:''' Unh! : ''[Black Knight grunting]'' : '''Black Knight:''' Unh! : '''Six:''' UNNNNNNNNH! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Jungle Cat snarls]'' : '''Rex:''' Let's say adiós. : '''Six:''' There's still plan "B". : '''Rex:''' We're not assassins. : '''Six:''' You're not. This might be our one chance. : '''Rex:''' To be like them? Then what makes us different? : '''Six:''' Go. I'm right behind you. : '''Roswell:''' You brought us into an ambush! Right behind you, Mr. Chatterbox. : '''Vostok:''' You are cowards. : '''Reddick:''' Graveyards are full of dummies that thought they were though. : '''Vostok:''' Black Knight, we have a lot to discuss about your future. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, let's talk. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Where's Six? : '''Rex:''' He said he was right behind us. : '''Six:''' I am. The Consortium still has to be dealt with. : '''Rex:''' We now have three Master Control Nanites. I'd say the Consortium has to deal with us. : '''Six:''' Understood. : '''Jungle Cat:''' Purrfectly. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I'm shocked. What happened? : '''Black Knight:''' It seems Vostok had an unfortunate run-in with our intruders as he was leaving. But, there's good news. The reactor is gone. Soon we will have all the nanites we need. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' I think it's time we walked about my promotion. ===Convergence=== ===Enter the Nanite World=== ===Enemies Mine=== : '''Valve:''' Battle is to be waged between your courage and my power. You lose. : '''Gatlocke:''' Valve, my friend. Lovely day for a riot, don't you think? : '''Valve:''' What do you want, Gatlocke? : '''Gatlocke:''' I want lots of things-- A doomsday weapon, my own private island, for my mom to stop calling me to fix her computer. But what I really want is to give you a message. It's time. I suppose I'll make the introductions. : '''Valve:''' A biker needs no introduction. And everyone knows Hunter Cain. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Everything is going according to plan. We get one more thing. Then we get wrecked. : '''Rex:''' Sorry we're late. : '''Bobo:''' We're not late. We're fashionably early. : '''Providence Agent:''' I was starting to think I was on my own. I've been calling for help, but Providence hasn't answered. : '''Six:''' What set this off? : '''Providence Agent:''' No idea. One moment everything was fine. The next moment, complete chaos. : '''Rex:''' I'm heading in. I'll lock up when I'm done. Oh, don't bother getting up. I'm just gonna knock you back down again. : '''Bobo:''' Back in your cages, you filthy animals! : '''Rex:''' Huh? What? You? It's a who's-who of old EVOs. Whew! Really not in the mood for this. You're kidding me. You?! : '''Gatlocke:''' Three men, one objective, no rules. Oh, this is exciting, isn't it? Or is it just me? : '''Valve:''' The others are saying that Rex is here. Rex will get his when we're ready. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Watch yourselves. This one's unpredictable. We know what you want, No-Face. Then we can give it to you. Do what we say. Then you'll get Rex. You'll get the chance to tear Rex apart. Piece by piece. Now we're ready. : '''Rex:''' So you remember who I am. Surprised you have a big enough brain for that. These cells are pretty dull. Let's redecorate. No way I'm letting an EVO get won over on me. Especially a big old frog. : '''Gatlocke:''' Almost out. Freedom is just a... Bottomless ravine away. : '''Valve:''' The biker begs the question, how are we getting across? : '''Gatlocke:''' You know that's not really how begging the question is supposed to be used. Are we kidding? Anyone who gets worked up over that phrase needs to be savagely beaten. : '''Hunter Cain:''' This'll override the drawbridge system. : '''Gatlocke:''' Ooh, now how would someone like you procure something like that? : '''Hunter Cain:''' Friends and hide places. : '''Rex:''' Okay, frog legs. Let's put you in solitary confinement. : '''Bobo:''' Do you look like you got run over by an overstuffed garbage truck? : '''Rex:''' Feels like it. This is a prison riot. Where's Providence? They should be all over this. : '''Six:''' They never responded to any calls. : '''Rex:''' It's a setup. Providence wanted this to happen. But why? : '''Six:''' Six here. Go ahead. : '''Rex:''' Wait. This bridge wasn't down before. : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. About that. Some of the prisoners escaped together. Gatlocke... : '''Rex:''' That's bad. : '''Bobo:''' Hunter Cain... : '''Rex:''' That's even worse! : '''Bobo:''' Valve. : '''Rex:''' That's... Really? Valve? : '''Bobo:''' Yeah. And No-Face. : '''Rex:''' Those four are loose? Together? : '''Six:''' We've got a bigger problem. : '''Rex:''' How can it be bigger than this? : '''Six:''' The EVOs in the city-- The only thing keeping them tame are their control collars. : '''Rex:''' And this is a problem because...? : '''Six:''' Because someone has shut them all down. : '''Rex:''' Let me get that for you. : '''Bobo:''' Dumpster dog. Considering you used to ride around in the Paris, I guess you're moving up in the world. Main to your mud. : '''Six:''' Are you injured? : '''Rex:''' Just worn out. Is this day over yet? : '''Bobo:''' Oh! Signs pointing no. : '''Rex:''' Huh? That came from the track. Can you handle things here? : '''Bobo:''' Only one way to find out. Valve. Those nanite superchargers you keep using are bad for your health. : '''Valve:''' If I were you, I'd be more concerned with your own short-term health. : '''Rex:''' Please, like I have anything to worry about from you. The other three, they're dangerous. You, you're just comedy relief. : '''Valve:''' I am not. Comedy relief. : '''Rex:''' Well, you're not funny, that's for sure. : '''Valve:''' Like the road that continues on, so must the biker. : '''Rex:''' Where did he go so? Ew! Get away from my tacos, cockroach! Huh? You running away? I'll give you this much, Valve. Maybe you're getting smarter. : '''No-Face:''' Unlike you. : '''Rex:''' I put you away once, No-Face. I'll do it again. : '''No-Face:''' The one who makes machines. The one we've been waiting for. : '''Rex:''' Huh? Figures you try to shoot a guy in the back. : '''Hunter Cain:''' All I see is a filthy EVO. : '''Rex:''' Okay, first off, that Lai is tired. Second off, last time I checked, you're teaming up with one. Would that make you an EVO lover? All this hide and seek is wearing me down! Huh? Figures. : '''Gatlocke:''' Leaving so soon? That's not going to impress the hiring committee. Now, let's see what we have here. "Honor roll, A/V Club." Ugh. "Glee Club." ''[Scoffs]'' I'm going to have to be brutally honest with you. You're perfect for my gang. Can you sing soprano? My last soprano drove his motorcycle off a cliff. He survived, but his voice was never the same. By the way, can you fly? This is quite the surprise. I'm willing to hire you, Rex, but you better have some excellent references. : '''Rex:''' Back to prison, Gatlocke! : '''Gatlocke:''' Then consider the offer rescinded! You could be a valued member of my gang. It's a tough job market out there, you know? : '''Rex:''' I'd never work for you! : '''Gatlocke:''' No, not with that attitude, you wouldn't. Welcome to my gang. Your first task is to destroy Rex-- That guy right there. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' Your second task is to complete harassment training. I teach the class. This pamphlet explains everything. : '''Rex:''' No, no, no! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, come in. What's happening? : '''Rex:''' One really bad day. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Your nanite readings are off the charts. : '''Rex:''' No surprise. I've been fighting and curing EVOs non stop. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' We need to upload your nanites immediately. : '''Rex:''' Now? Doc, my four worst enemies are still on the loose. Well, my three worst enemies in Valve. Plus the city's in chaos. And where in the world is Providence? How come they're not here dealing with this? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Six and Bobo can mop up the last few EVOs. You have to offload. : '''Rex:''' Okay, fine. But we better make it fast. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You'll be locked in the chamber for one hour. : '''Rex:''' Just do it, doc. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' This could be a long sixty minutes. : '''Valve:''' According to the tracking bug, Rex is inside. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Gentlemen, this is what we've been waiting for. It's time for Rex to die. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They followed him. : '''Gatlocke:''' After we kill Rex. We should work together and form a team call ourselves... Gatlocke and the kitty cats. : '''Valve:''' Silence your mouth or the biker will silence it for you. : '''Gatlocke:''' Oh, Valve. You can pretend to be angry, but deep down, you know you're a kitty cat. : '''Hunter Cain:''' They know we're here. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're quite feisty. Have you ever considered a career in the fast growing field of post apocalyptic gangs? : '''Valve:''' She has spirit. Valve the biker will see that spirit crushed. : '''Gatlocke:''' You're Gatlocke's favorite kitty cat. Hmm. Rrr. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Don't follow her. She's trying to lead us away from Rex. Rex is close-by. : '''Valve:''' Rex's chamber... Five minutes to spare. : '''Hunter Cain:''' More than enough time. : '''Gatlocke:''' I could have sworn that we'd agreed to take Rex out together. : '''Hunter Cain:''' I'm changing the terms of the deal if you have a problem with that, feel free to stand right where you are. I've waited a long time for this. Rex! : '''Valve:''' Empty? Or a trick of the mind? : '''Rex:''' Isn't that obvious? Then again, that tracking bug you stuck on me was obvious, too. And the fake countdown? Obvious. It only took me thirty minutes to upload my nanites. You wanted to run me ragged so you could get me. Instead, here you are all in one place. Gotcha! : '''Valve:''' UGHH! : '''Rex:''' UGHHHH! I still don't get why you enlisted Valve. I mean, he's really a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' Valve is the biker. A biker is dangerous. : '''Rex:''' Hmm. Yeah. No. : '''Valve:''' Rrrr! : '''Rex:''' So unpredictable. Like a third-string bad guy. : '''Valve:''' AAAAH! : '''Gatlocke:''' I have a horrible sneaking suspicion that he's winning. : '''Hunter Cain:''' Then do something about it! : '''Gatlocke:''' Don't have to yell. A kind word will get you much further. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' UGHHH! Oh! Oh! Oh ho ho! Ouch! My back! My front and my back! OHH! This is total, total agony! : ''[Gatlocke gasps]'' : '''Gatlocke:''' ''[Calmly]'' I'm okay. Really. I'm fine. : '''Hunter Cain:''' You're lucky. I'll give you that. But you're only delaying the inevitable. You can't beat us all! : '''Rex:''' I never intended to. This offload facility? I reprogrammed it. My surplus nanites aren't being stored. They're powering the shield. : '''Hunter Cain:''' It's a trap! : '''Rex:''' Have fun keeping each other company! : '''Bobo:''' What a day. : '''Rex:''' You know, none of this would have happened if Providence hadn't released the convicts and turned out all those EVOs. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' They did that to keep you busy. : '''Rex:''' Keep me busy from what? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' The Nanite Project. We just found out. While we dealt with the EVOs, Black Knight got her hands on another Master-Control Nanite. : '''Rex:''' Then it's time. ===Sinister Secrets=== ===Wounded Hearts=== ===One Step Ahead=== ===Breaking Point=== ===Behind Closed Doors=== ===Keeping Hope=== ===Trust=== ===Terror of the Black Knight=== ===Endgame, Part One=== : '''Rex:''' It was going to happen sooner or later. We had most of the pieces, so it was only a matter of time before the Black Knight made her move. And of all the chances she had to attack, it had to be tonight... at this very moment... while I was in the shower. Huh? How many? : '''Six:''' Should it matter? : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Can't you do any better than that? : '''Bobo:''' I thought you'd never ask. : '''Rex:''' Rah! Yah! : '''Dr. Holiday:''' If they get to the Meta-Nanites, we still have options. : '''Rex:''' Of the self-destruct kind? No, thanks, doc. It's not going to end that way... hopefully. : '''Black Knight:''' We'll dispense with the pleasantries. You know what we want. : '''Rex:''' There is no way you're walking out of here with the nanites. : '''Black Knight:''' You seem so certain. : '''Rex:''' We've beaten you before. Every single time, in fact. So, this time is different... How? Okay, that's different. Ugh! You're an EVO?! : '''Black Knight:''' Do you think you were the only one they experimented on back in the day? You were the guinea pig. Consider me the new-and-improved version. : '''Rex:''' Okay. Before we go any further, I should probably explain a few things. It started when a bunch of rich guys decided they wanted to live forever, so they got the best scientists in the world to figure out how. The answer was nanites. These microscopic machines would cure disease, end hunger, and pretty much make the world a better place. My parents and older brother were on the team, and so was this guy. Look familiar? Van Kleiss. Then one day there was an accident. To save my life, my parents injected me with nanites. It worked. But there were a few crazy side effects, like the fact I could talk to machines and, later on, build some pretty cool things. That got the rich guys thinking-- How far could we take this? Turns out pretty far. These little machines could control the very fabric of the Universe, but they would need a Master-Control Nanite to program all the others and tell them what to do. Energy, gravity, time/space, elemental, mechanical-- All the things that make the Universe run. Combined together, they would pretty much make you a God. And when my brother and parents found out the Consortium was about to put these nanites inside themselves, they sort of freaked out in a "got to save the Earth" kind of way. Something had to be done to stop it. Turns out that meant blowing the whole thing up, better known as "The Nanite Event". That didn't end well for my parents. While everyone else ran away, my parents were trapped inside. Sill not sure how. There was some good news-- No more Master-Control Nanites. And the bad news? Dangerous unprogrammed nanites got spread across the world, and nanites plus DNA equals EVO. My brother Caesar got caught in a time warp during his escape. Van Kleiss got blown to smithereens and became the world's biggest pain in the nanite. And me? I got amnesia and traveled the globe living the good life... At least, that's how I tell it. The only part I know of wasn't all that much to brag about. I did get some good friends and a few enemies out of the deal. Turns out that losing my memory was a regular thing for me. Last time I woke up and said, "Who Am I?" It was when this guy found me-- Agent Six. He worked for Providence, sort of a global police force created to clean up after the event. It was paid for mostly by the same group of goons that started the whole thing-- The Consortium. It was great for a while. I had my own personal doctor, a chimp sidekick, a cool best friend to hang with. I was a full-fledged hero. The world loved me, and my powers kept getting better and better. Van Kleiss was still a pain, but I managed to take care of him. A few times, actually. Then things started to get not so cool. My brother shows up from out of nowhere. I get thrown six months into the future to find White Knight kicked out of Providence and this lady in charge-- Black Knight. She's been the lapdog of the Consortium from day one, and now her bosses want to pick up where they left off. Most of the old team of scientists have been reunited, and together, they've restarted the nanite program. The Master-Control Nanites were spread across the globe in the first explosion, and we've been racing against Providence to get them back. So far, we've been winning that fight, and that pretty much brings us to right now. : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' The Black Pawns are robots?! : '''Black Knight:''' Total obedience at the flip of a switch. Can you blame me? : '''Black Pawn:''' What's so funny? : '''Six:''' I hold back against people. You're not people. : ''[Bobo Haha grunts]'' : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Black Knight grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' Huh? Ugh! : '''Feakins:''' Hey! Hey! Take it easy, would you? Oh! : '''Rex:''' Fitzy?! : '''Feakins:''' Heh? Sorry, guy. They found me. She's hard to say "No" to... and live. : '''Black Knight:''' Well put, Mr. Feakins. And thanks to his unique ability, we can set aside our nanite enhancements and do this the old-fashioned way. : '''Rex:''' Come on. That's not fair. I'm unarmed! : '''Black Knight:''' Precisely. : '''Van Kleiss:''' Stop! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad idea. : '''Rex:''' Listen to the crazy guy. : '''Black Knight:''' Why are you here, Van Kleiss? : '''Van Kleiss:''' I forgot. Oh, no, wait. I remember. He's got a Master-Control Nanite swallowed up inside him. It's been hiding, the naughty thing. : '''Rex:''' On second thought, don't listen to him. He's, uh-- He's crazy, remember? : '''Black Knight:''' You're sure of this? : '''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, yes, yes. Quite sure. Do you have any mints? : '''Black Knight:''' I want Rex at the lab. Restrain and sedate him. : '''Rex:''' How, hold on a minute. : '''Feakins:''' Hey! What about me? : '''Black Knight:''' I'm not taking any chances. He stays with Rex. Kill the others. : '''Rex:''' Ugh! Ahh. : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Human. : '''Rex:''' What are you telling me? What do you want? : '''Master-Control Nanite:''' Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. Complete. : '''Rex:''' Okay, I get it. How? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex gasps]'' : '''Caesar:''' Calm down, Rex. You're safe. : '''Rex:''' Safe?! Black Knight and her robo-troopers just came knocking, and Van crazy says I have a Master-Control Nanite inside me! : '''Caesar:''' Fascinating, isn't it? All this time, it's been hiding undetected inside you. I wonder if this particular control unit is responsible for his unique nano-evolution. : '''Rex:''' Are any of you even listening to me? : '''Feakins:''' Boy, I am. It's like a movie but real! I just want to go start pressing buttons. Can I get another milkshake? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How exactly do you plan on getting it out of him? : '''Black Knight:''' I have a suggestion. Tear it out. : '''Rylander:''' It would kill him. : '''Black Knight:''' That's none of my concern. : '''Caesar:''' The nanite is tied to his DNA. Simply pulling it out of him would ruin the nanite. : '''Rex:''' And me, too, remember? : '''Caesar:''' The only way this will work is if we put him in the cyclotron with the other Metas. It should extract automatically during the reassembly. : '''Black Knight:''' And if it doesn't? : '''Caesar:''' Hmm. Good question. : '''Rex:''' Here's another one-- Don't I get a say in this? Like, isn't this the exact thing that our parents died trying to stop? : '''Black Knight:''' Take him to the hub and prepare for the transfer. The Consortium is here and extremely impatient. I want this finished within the hour. : '''Feakins:''' Aah! Hey, what am I-- Sandpaper? Not so rough! ''[sputtering]'' Rough. : '''Rex:''' Glad someone can see the humor in this. : '''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, see that Rex is well taken care of. : '''Dr. Meechum:''' ''[to Caesar]'' I hope you know what you're doing, Salazar. This is a huge risk we're taking. : '''Rylander:''' Listen to Peter. The thing we swore to stop at any cost, the thing that took your parents-- It could happen-- Right here, today! : '''Caesar:''' It can't, and it won't. You'll have to trust me on this. : '''Rylander:''' You can only say that so many times, Caesar. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We've been waiting almost an hour. Not even refreshments? : '''Black Knight:''' You can have your snack after we become Gods. : '''Roswell:''' "We"? : '''Black Knight:''' That's right-- "We." None of this would be possible without my efforts. : '''Roswell:''' And our money, sister. : '''Black Knight:''' By all means, have your contempt. There's plenty of room buried next to the Russian if you'd like to keep him company. That's what I thought. Now, if you'll follow me-- : '''Bobo:''' "Kill the others." Not gonna happen, lady. We're bulletproof. Ow! Hangnail. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Ugh! We know where they took him. Why are we here? We need to go get Rex. : '''Six:''' I agree. We just don't have the resources, Rebecca. We'd need an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You've been known to make the impossible happen, Six. How hard could that be? : '''Six:''' Six here. Copy that. We just got ourselves an army. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' You see? : '''Van Kleiss:''' That will be all. : '''Feakins:''' But the lady said-- Good luck, Kid. : '''Van Kleiss:''' These restraints were made for you. You're very special, you know. : '''Rex:''' Lucky me. : '''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss... leave us. : '''Rex:''' I really hate you. : '''Caesar:'''I know how this looks, Rex. : '''Rex:''' But what? I just have to trust you? Is that what you were going to say? Just help me-- Please. : '''Caesar:''' It may not seem like it, but I am. : '''Rex:''' Caesar... I'm scared. : '''Caesar:''' So am I, little brother. This will all be over in a few minutes. : '''Rex:''' It's already over! When I get out of this, I never want to see you again! : '''Rylander:''' Commencing countdown. : '''Roswell:''' WHOO-HOO! : '''Reddick:''' Payback time! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Caesar:''' This won't be entirely unpleasant. It should feel similar to when you offload surplus nanites. : '''Rex:''' Stop! You can't do this! You can't merge! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Something's wrong. : '''Rylander:''' Of course something's wrong. The kid is fighting it. : '''Caesar:''' This could be bad. : '''Rylander:''' You have to tell him, Caesar! : '''Caesar:''' Rex, you have to stop. Listen to me. The nanites are supposed to do-- Rex? Can you hear me? : '''Dr. Meechum:''' Actually, he can't. There's a short in the comm relay. : '''Van Kleiss:''' This would be a wonderful day for a picnic. : '''Rex:''' RA-A-A-A-A-A-H! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Ugh! : '''Black Knight:''' Ugh! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' So much for that plan. : ''[Rex laughs]'' : '''Rex:''' Oh, serves you right. All that and you come out of the oven looking like freaks. Nice job! : '''Black Knight:''' It's not exactly what we were expecting, but it's a start. : '''Reddick:''' This isn't what we agreed to. : '''Roswell:''' Where's the rest of our power? This is all messed up! : '''Dr. Meechum:''' How can this be possible? : '''Rylander:''' The Meta-Nanites were dispersed between the five. This is quite a surprise. : '''Caesar:''' We've got to get Rex out of there. Step aside, Van Kleiss. : '''Van Kleiss:''' They still don't have what they want... and neither do you. : '''Black Knight:''' You're angry. I can see that. If you want to take it out on anyone, it should be Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I think I can agree to that. : '''Roswell:''' Count me in! This might actually be fun! : '''Rex:''' Let's think about this for a second. Whoa! : ''[Rex grunts]'' : '''Rex:''' How 'bout that? Exactly one second. Whoa! Aah! : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What a perfect way to learn to use our powers-- Tearing this brat apart. : '''Rex:''' Only one problem with that, sparky. I've been using my powers a whole lot longer-- And I'm pretty good. : '''Roswell:''' You got any ideas here, missy, or we gonna stand around and get it handed to us? : '''Black Knight:''' The Meta-Nanites were designed to work together. So will we. : '''Rex:''' What? Are you gonna join together to make a robo-mutant? : '''Black Knight:''' That's exactly what we're going to do. : '''Rex:''' I need to stop giving them ideas. Huh? : ''[Rex grunts]'' : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Black Knight:''' No one the help you-- No family, no friends, nothing. It's a terrible way to go. : '''White Knight:''' Captain Calan, target the base. All weapons, sire. : '''Providence Agent:''' Fire control reports they're being jammed, sir. : '''White Knight:''' Only one salvo. Black Knight must have prepared for this. : ''[Rex groans softly]'' : '''Rex:''' Big giant robot. Black Knight. : '''Six:''' We know. : '''Rex:''' Have to... stay and stop them. : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Another time, Rex. : '''Rex:''' I-I-- : ''[Rex groans]'' : '''Dr. Holiday:''' Holiday to White Knight. We have Rex. : '''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' We're just gonna watch them go?! : '''Black Knight:''' Let Providence have their weapon back. With our combined power, the world is ours. ===Endgame, Part Two=== :'''Black Knight:''' Science has given us a tremendous gift-- Nanites. We've seen what they can do-- The good and the bad. But they're true potential has been largely unseen. Until now. Our goals are varied. Fame... power... revenge... wealth... order. Yet, one thing unites us-- Greed. You're surprised I admit it? Well, don't be. You'll never get far in life without wanting it all. And for those who might consider standing in our way... We'll let our powers speak for themselves. The world is ours. And no one can stop us. :''[Roswell laughs]'' :'''Roswell:''' This is more fun than my first rodeo. What else you got? :'''Six:''' Any change? :'''Dr. Holiday:''' He's sleeping. The nanites in him are making repairs. That's a good thing. He's a tough kid, Six. :'''Six:''' I know. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' See you next time. Judging by what you fed us for lunch, I'm guessing twenty minutes. Can't even go to the little scientists' room without them breathing down our necks. How long are we going to put up with this? :'''Caesar:''' I know it's not easy working under these circumstances. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Do you? I don't hear you complaining, or have you even noticed that we're prisoniers? :'''Rylander:''' Gentlemen, please. Can we focus on a more important problem? The Consortium's gain of power is a troubling outcome. Something should be done. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' If you're talking about stopping them, I'm listening. :'''Black Knight:''' I want you all in the boardroom in three minutes. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' The world is being taken over by nanite-fueled ex-c.e.o. Psychos, and they still act like they're running a business. :'''Roswell:''' You nerds gave us a raw deal. I want a do-over. :'''Caesar''': A do-over? :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' What my colleague means to say is that our powers are remarkable to be sure, but we only have one seventh of what we were promised. :'''Rylander:''' You're asking a lot. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You're asking the impossible. You'd be lucky to survive the extraction. :'''Caesar:''' This is true. You may be powerful, but you're not Rex. :'''Black Knight:''' I share your disappointment, gentlemen. But are you willing to lose everything for this? :'''Roswell:''' Go big or go home. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, what do you have to say? :'''Van Kleiss:''' Easy-peasy. I can do it. It's only a matter of correctly calibrating the bio-filters with the homing frequency of the nanites. By the way, have you seen my socks? :'''Caesar:''' Van Kleiss-- :'''Black Knight:''' Has an assignment. The rest of you... Stay out of trouble. :'''Rex:''' You started without me. :'''Six:''' Glad to see you up and around. Something bothering you? :'''Rex:''' Besides black knight taking over the world? I'm trying to find my friends. I know Providence took them. :'''Six:''' We're working on that. :'''Rex:''' And are we doing anything about the Consortium? What about... The robot? The one I can build. Don't play dumb, Six. :'''Six:''' Come with me. :'''Rex:''' That's me? No way! All this time, I could have been making myself into that thing? Ohh! Maybe not. :'''Six:''' Evidence suggest that you've never been able to control it. It's a weapon of last defense. This was filmed on the day that I found you. It was also the day I made a promise that it would be the last time you ever built this machine. :''[Rex scoffs]'' :'''Rex:''' Or what, you'd kill me? You plan on keeping that promise? :'''Six:''' Rex, you have to know something. We believe this is the type of thing that ends in you losing your memory. :'''Rex:''' Well, it happened to you, and you turned out just fine. :'''Six:''' I only lost six years. Six years is all you have. You would lose everything. I'm not gonna tell you what to do, but you need to think about the consequences of some of your options. :'''Noah:''' It feels weird hanging out when the world is under attack. I don't know if I should be fighting back or out in the wilderness setting up a survival compound. :'''Rex:''' If you had the power to stop all this, but it meant losing everything, would you do it, Noah? :'''Noah:''' I don't know. I'm just glad I don't have to make that kind of decision. I guess that's why you're the hero. :''[Rex sighs]'' :'''Rex:''' I wish I could get some kind of sign. Anything. Hmm. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Red and yellow, red and yellow. One false move can kill a fellow. :''[Van Kleiss laughs]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' He's got local control. We're locked out. I still don't even know how this is possible. :'''Rylander:''' I've been looking at the data projections. As crazy as Van Kleiss is, his theory is sound. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Sorry to disturb your sleepy sleep. There might be a slight delay. :'''Black Knight:''' Why? :'''Van Kleiss:''' We have a visitor. Should I set out tea? :'''Rex:''' Hey, in there! Come on out! :'''Black Knight:''' Back for more? Happy to accommodate. :'''Rex:''' I should warn you. It's going to get ugly. :'''Black Knight:''' One would think you would have learned the last time. I can feel you resisting me. Stop. :'''Roswell:''' Why is it you get to call all the shots? :'''Black Knight:''' Because I'm the one who has the power to join us. Help me defeat Rex, and you can call all the shots you like. :'''Rex:''' Hyah! :''[Rex babbling]'' :''[Rex gasps]'' :'''Six:''' It's a weapon of last defense. It's happened. :'''Noah:''' That's Rex? :'''White Knight:''' I'm going to assume you're seeing what I'm seeing. :'''Six:''' White-- :'''White Knight:''' Before you say anything, Six-- Whatever agreement we may have had regarding this situation no longer applies. Am I clear? :'''Six:''' Understood. :'''Dr. Holiday''': What was that all about? :'''Six:''' A second chance. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Six, we have to do something. :'''Six:''' I've seen it before. We're too late. :''[Rex coughing]'' :'''Rex:''' Donde esta mi zapato? :'''Noah:''' Rex! Hold on! :'''Rex:''' What? What happened? :'''Bobo:''' You blew up, kid. :'''Six:''' Do you know who we are? :'''Rex:''' I... I do! Oh-ho! I remember! Ow! Ow! I wish I could forget this pain in my... The Consortium! :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' This is utter nonsense. I refuse to be led around like a show dog. :'''Reddick:''' You can always go back outside and take it up with Providence. :'''Black Knight:''' Guard the door. Nothing gets by you. :'''Six:''' They're robots. :'''Rex:''' Oh! Right! That part I forgot. :'''Bobo:''' Next time, leave some for the rest of us, huh? :'''Rylander:''' I'll stay here and guard the equipment. :''[Rylander laughs]'' :'''Caesar:''' Little brother, they've had this place completely locked down. I've been trying to reach you. :'''Bobo:''' What he said. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Yeah, you deserved that. :'''Rex:''' Open it. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' We can't. Still completely locked out of the system. Besides, you can't interrupt once the cycle has started. :'''Rex:''' Well, then, un-start it! :'''Black Knight:''' You cleaned up for the occasion. How thoughtful of you. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Oh, this isn't for you. You didn't actually believe that I'd let the five of you have all this power. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' I thought you were working for us? :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Rex:''' You see that? I knew it! He's not crazy! Okay... oh! He's crazy, but just his usual crazy. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, I am not amused. :'''Van Kleiss:''' I don't imagine you would be. This was always my intention, even in the very beginning. It's a pity your parents caught me trying to activate the sequence for myself. And, of course, there's the "broken" hatch. The world would be a much better place if they had just left well enough alone. :'''Anthony Haden-Scott:''' Black Knight, do something. :'''Black Knight:''' Van Kleiss, you have made a huge mistake. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Now, then, let the fun begin. :''[Black Knight groans]'' :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You can't overload that relay from a subdirectory. You have to get a root. It's impossible from here. :'''Caesar:''' You're a very negative person, Peter Meechum. :''[Dr. Meechum groans]'' :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'll try from the main terminal in the lab. :''[Rex grunts]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, wait! That's not necessary. :'''Rex:''' I'm not waiting around, hermano. :'''Caesar:''' No. That's not what I mean. :'''Van Kleiss:''' Yes. I can see it. :''[Van Kleiss laughs evilly]'' :'''Van Kleiss:''' Huh? No. :''[Van Kleiss groans]'' :'''Dr. Holiday:''' It's incredible something so small could have so much [[w:Omnipotence|power]]. That thing could rip apart the very fabric of the universe. :'''Rex:''' It's still a nanite. I'm gonna talk to it. :'''Caesar:''' No. It's okay. :''[The fully complete Meta Nanite comes to Rex, as if it were waiting for him, whose eyes and body glow with a pale blue cosmic aura.]'' :'''Caesar:''' Rex, listen to me. The Meta-Nanite-- It could never work in anyone but you. Now in its pure state. Mom and dad, we programmed them that way from the very beginning. All of this... It's meant for you. :'''Six:''' What are you saying? :'''Caesar:''' Right now, Rex is [[Omnipotence|the most powerful being in the universe]]. :'''Bobo:''' You hear that, Kid? Don't let it get to your head. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' Rex, can you hear me? :'''Rex:''' Yeah, doc. This is pretty trippy. Not exactly sure what I'm supposed to do now. :'''Black Knight:''' You're a [[God]], Rex. You can do anything you want. :'''Six:''' You know what to do. :'''Rex:''' You're right, Six. So are the rest of you. I can do anything I want. Maybe it's time for a revolution. Isn't that what you five wanted? A revolution? Well, welcome to it. :'''Noah:''' Is he gonna be like this from now on? :'''Rylander:''' Uh... People. He's inside the nanite reactor. :'''Dr. Holiday and Caesar:''' Inside? :'''Rex:''' Okay, little guys. I need you to do something for me. :'''Black Knight:''' Follow me, quickly. :'''Reddick:''' I'm through following you. We trusted you everything, and look what we got. :'''Black Knight:''' We may still be able to retain some of our abilities, but only if you follow me. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' Are you seeing this? :'''Rylander:''' Tehnically, I don't have eyes, but yes. :'''Providence Agent:''' Reports are coming in. EVO's all over the world are spontaneously curing. :'''Six:''' Not spontaneous. :'''Caesar:''' He must have programmed all the nanites in the reactor to initiate a worldwide cure event. :'''Black Knight:''' What is your next directive? :'''Rex:''' I don't want anyone using you again. Ever. And that includes me. Deactivate. :''[Rex groans]'' :'''Rex:''' I think it's over. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' I think you're right. :'''Caesar:''' I wanted to tell you, brother. So much was at stake. :'''Rex:''' We're good. And we'll always be brothers. :'''Diane Ferrah:''' Across the world, not an EVO to be found. After more than six years, it appears we've awoken from the nightmare. :'''White Knight:''' The EVOs may be gone, but we still have nanites. :'''Rex:''' Leave it to you to spoil all the fun, White Knight. :'''Dr. Holiday:''' There are some people here to see you, Rex. :'''Rex:''' Tuck? Cricket? Skwydd? :'''Skwydd:''' Eh, I guess I should start going by Walter again. :''[Rex runs to Circe and the two lovers share a close hug, happy to be together at last]'' :'''Rex:''' Uh... Are you...? :'''Circe:''' I'm okay. Normal, but okay. I think you may have put yourself out of a job. :'''Skywdd:''' Yeah. What are you gonna do? Go to school? :'''Rylander:''' It was nice having the team back together. You know, we should find a new project. :'''Dr. Meechum:''' You kidding? I'd rather have root canal with a rake. Worst experience of my life. :'''Caesar:''' Do you want to hear about some of my new ideas or not? :'''Dr. Meechum:''' I'm listening. :'''Rex:''' Finally. :'''Six:''' Need anything? :'''Rex:''' Nope. I'm good. There's always going to be something, isn't there? :'''Six:''' Yes, there is. ==Characters== ===Main=== *Rex Salazar (Daryl Sabara) *Six *White Knight *Bobo Haha ===Supporting=== *Circe (Tara Sands) *Tuck (Dante Bosco) *Skwydd *Cricket *Beverley Holiday *Caesar Salazar *Five *Tres *IV ===Villains=== *Van Kleiss *The Pack *Gatlocke *Hunter Cain *Quarry *Black Knight *The Consortium ===Couples=== *Dr. Rebecca Holiday & Six *Rex & Circe *Noah Nixon & Claire Bowman ==Elements== ===Rex's Machines "Builds"=== *Big Fat Sword *Buzz Saw *Punk Busters *Boogie Pack *Cannon *Smack Hands ===Rex's Other Abilities=== *Technopathy *Data Manipulation *Technological Manipulation *E.V.O. Curing *Breach Detection *Electronic Disruption ===Omega Nanite-Powered Builds=== *Blast Caster *Funchucks *Bad Axes *Block Party *Sky Slider *Water Jet ==External Links== {{wikipedia}} * [http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1636691/ Generator Rex] at [[Internet Movie Database]] * [http://generatorrexpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Generator_Rex Generator Rex] at Wikia {{Authority control}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:Anime-influenced Western animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated science fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Teen superhero TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network original series]] [[Category:Television series by Cartoon Network Studios]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Teen animated TV shows]] 9fxv8n4d35ietgtkc61cw15ksq8m0mb 0 126419 3954364 3929631 2026-06-19T08:45:37Z ~2026-35810-22 3343568 /* T */ Aquinas 3954364 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:James Anthony Froude by Sir George Reid.jpg|thumb|right|That which constitutes human goodness, human nobleness, is surely not the degree of enlightenment with which men pursue their own advantage; but it is self-forgetfulness; it is self-sacrifice; it is the disregard of personal pleasure, personal indulgence, personal advantage, remote or present, because some other line of conduct is more right. ~ [[James Anthony Froude]]]] [[File:Raffael 069.jpg|thumb|They live best, I think, who strive best to become as good as possible: and the pleasantest life is theirs who are conscious that they are growing in goodness. ~ [[Xenophon]]]] [[File:Pico2.jpg|thumb|The desire of the will is not satisfied by any good, as long as we believe that there is yet another beyond it. Therefore, the will is satisfied only by that one good beyond which there is no further good. What can this good be except the boundless God? ~ [[Marsilio Ficino]]]] [[File:1908РепинТолстой.JPG|thumb|I was alone, completely alone in my search for goodness. Every time I tried to express my innermost desires&mdash;a wish to be morally good&mdash;I met with contempt and scorn, and as soon as I gave in to vile passions I was praised and encouraged. ~ [[Leo Tolstoy]]]] [[File:Chapel of our Lady of the Rosary of Santi Giovanni e Paolo (Venice) - Isaiah by Vittoria.jpg|thumb|Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow. ~ [[Isaiah]] 1:17]] '''[[w:Goodness|Goodness]]''', or '''[[w:Good|Good]]''', is a term designating desired, healthy or proper qualities, in contrast with undesired bad, harmful or [[evil]] qualities. In [[religion]], [[ethics]], [[philosophy]], and [[psychology]] "[[good and evil]]" is a very common {{w|dichotomy}}. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&nbsp;New&nbsp;Cyclopedia&nbsp;Of&nbsp;Practical&nbsp;Quotations]]'' · ''[[#Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers (1895)|Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers]]''}} == A== * The [[Infinite]], from which comes the impulse that lead us to activity, is not [...] the highest Goodness, but higher than goodness. ** [[Felix Adler]], ''[https://archive.org/details/bub_gb_59IZAAAAMAAJ/mode/1up Life and Destiny: or Thoughts from the Ethical Lectures of Felix Adler]'' (1913), Section 2: Religion * Good deeds remain good, no matter whether we know how the world was made or not. ** [[Felix Adler]], ''[https://archive.org/details/bub_gb_59IZAAAAMAAJ/mode/1up Life and Destiny]'' (1913), Section 9 : Ethical Outlook * We need to feel that no effort is ever wasted, that no honest reaching out toward the good is vain, that the great All is pressing forward toward a transcendent goal. And there is but a single way to obtain this conviction. It is not possible to enter into the nature of the Good by standing aloof from it — by merely speculating upon it. Act the Good, and you will believe in it. Throw yourself into the stream of the world's good tendency and you will feel the force of the current and the direction in which it is setting. [...] By ceaseless efforts to live the good life we maintain our moral sanity. Not from without, but from within, flow the divine waters that renew the soul. ** [[Felix Adler]], ''[https://archive.org/details/bub_gb_59IZAAAAMAAJ/mode/1up Life and Destiny]'' (1913) * I believe in [[angels]], something good in everything I see. ** [[Benny Andersson]] and [[w:Bjorn Ulvaeus|Bjorn Ulvaeus]], in "[[w:I Have a Dream (song)|I Have a Dream]]", on the [[w:ABBA|ABBA]] album ''[[w:Voulez-Vous|Voulez-Vous]]'' (1979). * If the [[wikt:ἔργον|function]] of [[wikt:ἄνθρωπος|man]] is an [[wikt:ἐνέργεια|activity]] of [[wikt:ψυχή|soul]] which follows or implies a [[λόγος|rational principle]], ... and we state the function of man to be a certain kind of life, and this to be an activity or actions of the soul implying a rational principle, and the function of a good man to be the good and noble performance of these, and if any action is well performed when it is performed in accordance with the appropriate excellence: if this is the case, human good turns out to be activity of soul in accordance with virtue, and if there are more than one virtue, in accordance with the best and most complete. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Nicomachean Ethics'', Book 1, Chapter 7. ==B== * Men have never been good, they are not good, they never will be good. ** [[Karl Barth]], ''Time'' (12 April 1954) *GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], [https://archive.org/details/cynicswordbook00bier/page/138/mode/2up ''The Cynic's Word Book''] (1906); republished as ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911). * He who would do good to another must do it in minute particulars;<br>General good is the plea of the scoundrel, hypocrite, and flatterer:<br>For art and science cannot exist but in minutely organized Particulars. ** [[William Blake]], ''[[w:Jerusalem The Emanation of the Giant Albion|Jerusalem The Emanation of The Giant Albion]]'', Ch. 3, plate 55, line 60 (c. 1803–1820) *Goodness is beautiful insofar as it is governed by the right measure, by overall balance, by the middle ground established by the exact laws of virtue, which is “harmony.” **[[Remo Bodei]], ''Le forme del bello'', il Mulino, Bologna, 2017. ISBN 9788815337498 * Some good we all can do; and if we do all that is in our [[power]], however little that power may be, we have performed our part, and may be as near perfection as those whose influence extends over kingdoms, and whose good actions are felt and applauded by thousands. ** [[w:Jane Bowdler|Jane Bowdler]] ''On Christian Perfection''. * It didn't matter how big our house was; it mattered that there was love in it. It didn't matter if our neighborhood was wealthy or otherwise; it mattered that neighbors talked to each other, looked out for one another. The kindnesses that allowed me to trust in people and in the basic goodness of the world could not be measured in dollars; they were paid for, rather, in hugs and ice-cream cones and help with homework. ** [[w:Peter Buffett|Peter Buffett]], {{cite book|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=a1537l253csC&pg=PA12|title = Life is What You Make It|isbn = 9780307464729|year = 2011}} ==C== *Have we fallen into a mesmerized state that makes us accept as inevitable that which is inferior or detrimental, as though having lost the will or the vision to demand that which is good? **[[Rachel Carson]] Silent Spring (1962) * Goodness is always an asset. A man who is straight, friendly and useful may never be famous, but he is respected and liked by all who know him. He has laid a sound foundation for success and he will have a worthwhile life. ** [[Herbert N. Casson]] in: ''Forbes'' (1948). p. 42. * Can one [[desire]] too much of a good thing? ** [[Miguel de Cervantes]], ''Don Quixote'' (1605-15), Part I, Book I, Chapter VI.// [[William Shakespeare]], ''As You Like It'', Act IV, scene 1, line 123. * He who so interprets the supreme good as to disjoin it from virtue, and measures it by his own convenience, and not by the standard of right,—he, I say, if he be consistent with himself, and be not sometimes overcome by natural goodness, can cultivate neither friendship, nor justice, nor generosity. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' * Most people are bad; if they are strong they take from the [[weak]]. The good people are all weak; they are good because they are not strong enough to be bad. ** Commoro, a chief in northern Uganda, speaking to explorer [[w:Samuel Baker|Samuel Baker]] in 1864. [http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext02/ithoa10.txt ''In the Heart of Africa''.] Chapter, XVI. * How many simple pleasures I denied myself, because I thought that's what goodness was. How stupid that it took me until the end of the world to realize it was something else entirely. ** [[Katie Coyle]], ''[[w:Katie Coyle|Vivian Apple Needs a Miracle]]'' (2014), <small> {{ISBN|978-0-544-39042-3}}, </small> p. 180 * No people do so much harm as those who go about doing good. ** [[Mandell Creighton]], quoted by [[w:Louise Creighton|Louise Creighton]] in ''Life and Letters of Mandell Creighton'', [http://books.google.com/books?id=XFrIeWud0_wC&q=%22no+people+do+so+much+harm+as+those+who+go+about+doing+good%22&pg=PA501#v=onepage vol. 2]. (1905) * [[Today]] I didn't even have to use my [[AK-47|A.K.]] <br> I got to say it was a good [[day]]. ** [[w:Ice Cube|Ice Cube]], ''[[w:It Was a Good Day|It Was a Good Day]]'', from the album ''[[w:The Predator (1992 album)|The Predator]]'', (February 23, 1992). ==D== * Surely goodness and [[mercy]] shall follow me all the days of my [[life]]: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever. ** [[David]], [[Psalms]] 23:6. ==E== * Only those few people who practice it believe in goodness. ** [[Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach]], ''Aphorisms'', D. Scrase and W. Mieder, trans. (Riverside, California: 1994), p. 29. * Whoso would be a man, must be a nonconformist ... must not be hindered by the name of goodness, but must explore if it be goodness. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], “Self-Reliance,” ''Essays: First Series'' (1883), pp. 51-52. ==F== * The desire of the will is not satisfied by any good, as long as we believe that there is yet another beyond it. Therefore, the will is satisfied only by that one good beyond which there is no further good. What can this good be except the boundless God? ** [[Marsilio Ficino]], ''Five Questions Concerning the Mind'' (1495) as translated by J. L. Burroughs in ''The Renaissance Philosophy of Man'' (1948), p. 201 * That which especially distinguishes a high order of man from a low order of man, that which constitutes human goodness, human nobleness, is surely not the degree of enlightenment with which men pursue their own advantage; but it is self-forgetfulness; it is self-sacrifice; it is the disregard of personal pleasure, personal indulgence, personal advantage, remote or present, because some other line of conduct is more right. ** [[James Anthony Froude]], ''Short Studies on Great Subjects'' (1907), p. 19 ==G== * Only the mediocre are always at their best. ** Jean Giraudoux as quoted in ''The Beauty Principal'' (1984) by [[w:Victoria Principal|Victoria Principal]], p. 117 * I expect to pass through this [[world]] but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any [[kindness]] I can show to any fellow creature, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it for I shall not pass this way again. ** Attributed to [[Stephen Grellet]], variants of this have been been widely circulated as a Quaker saying since at least 1869, and attributed Grellet since at least 1893. W. Gurney Benham in ''Benham's Book of Quotations, Proverbs, and Household Words'' (1907) states that though sometimes attributed to others, "there seems to be some authority in favor of Stephen Grellet being the author, but the passage does not appear in any of his printed works." It appears to have been published as an [[anonymous]] [[proverb]] at least as early as 1859, when it appeared in ''Household Words : A Weekly Journal''. ==I== * Learn to do good; Seek justice, Reprove the ruthless, Defend the orphan, Plead for the widow. ** [[Isaiah]] 1:17 ==K== * It is quite natural that in the modern drama the bad is always represented by the most shining talents; the good, the upright, by a grocer's clerk. The spectators find this a matter of course and learn from the play what they knew beforehand, that it is far beneath their dignity to be put in the same class with a grocer's clerk. ** Soren Kierkegaard, Either/Or Part II, Swenson 1944, 1971 p. 232 * We set ourselves up as arbiters of what is good when often our standards of goodness are driven by narrow interests, by what we want. ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=92}} ==L== * The greatest pleasure I know is to do a good action by stealth, and to have it found out by accident. ** [[Charles Lamb]], quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=LIxUAAAAcAAJ&q=%22greatest+pleasure+I+know+is+to+do+a+good+action+by+stealth+and+to+have+it+found+out+by+accident%22&pg=PA14#v=onepage "Table Talk"] in ''[[w:Athenaeum (magazine)|The Athenaeum]]'' magazine (4 January 1834). * Goodness does not more certainly make men happy than happiness makes them good. ** [[Walter Savage Landor]], ''Imaginary Conversations'', 'Lord Brooke and Sir Philip Sidney' (1824-1829) * Good can be ''done'' by the bad — but the good alone can ''be'' good. ** [[Johann Kaspar Lavater]], Aphorism 362, in ''Aphorisms on Man'', translated by Henry Fuseli (London: J. Johnson, 1788) * Of all tyrannies, a [[tyranny]] sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under [[omnipotent]] moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience. They may be more likely to go to [[Heaven]] yet at the same time likelier to make a [[Hell]] of [[earth]]. This very kindness stings with intolerable [[insult]]. To be "cured" against one's will and cured of states which we may not regard as disease is to be put on a level of those who have not yet reached the age of [[reason]] or those who never will; to be classed with infants, imbeciles, and domestic animals. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], in "God in the Dock" (1948). * Some [[people]] talk as if meeting the gaze of absolute goodness would be [[fun]]. They need to think again. They are still only playing with [[religion]]. Goodness is either the great safety or the great [[danger]] — according to the way you react to it. ** [[C. S. Lewis]], ''[[w:Mere Christianity|Mere Christianity]]'' (1952). ==M== * His irresolution was based on a fundamental human peculiarity—he wanted to be a good man, but what is good? ** W. Macfarlane, ''220—Advanced Field Exploration,'' in [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Galaxy_Science_Fiction Galaxy Science Fiction], March 1972, p. 59 * Abashed the [[Devil]] stood,<br>And felt how awful goodness is, and saw<br>[[Virtue]] in her shape how lovely.<br>—saw, and pined his [[loss]]. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'', Book IV, Lines 846-848 (1667, 1674). * All other knowledge is hurtful to him who has not the science of goodness. ** [[Montaigne]], ''Essays'', M. Screech, trans. (1991), Book I, ch. 25, “On Schoolmasters’ Learning,” p. 159 ==N== * Good is never done except at the expense of those who do it. ** [[John Henry Newman]], ''Lectures on the Present Position of Catholics in England'' (London: Burns & Lambert, 1851), Lecture IX, pp. 402–403 ==P== * The fruit of the [[wikt:πνεῦμα|Spirit]] is [[ἀγάπη|love]], [[wikt:χαρά|joy]], [[wikt:εἰρήνη|peace]], patience, kindness, [[wikt:ἀγαθωσύνη|goodness]], faithfulness, gentleness, [[w:ἐγκράτεια|self-control]]. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [[Epistle to the Galatians|Galatians]] 5:22-23 [[w:English Sandard Version|ESV]] *We care so little of other people that even [[Christianity]] urges us to do good for the love of [[God]]. **[[Cesare Pavese]], ''This Business of Living'', {{#dateformat:1938-07-08}} * He that does good for good's sake seeks neither [[praise]] nor [[reward]], though sure of both at last. ** [[William Penn]], ''Some Fruits of Solitude in Reflections and Maxims'' (1682) no. 441. * Nor is it a matter for wonder that the good do not appear herded in great thongs. First because specimens of great goodness are rare, secondly, because they avoid the great crowd of the more thoughtless and keep themselves at leisure for the contemplation of what nature has to show. ** [[Philo]], ''Every Good Man is Free'', 63 * Forgetful of all he had written and spoken Antiochus was making preparations for war with Ptolemy, so that what Simonides said seems to be very true: "It is hard to be good." It is indeed easy to be disposed to act honourably and to strive to do so up to a certain point, but to be consistent and under every circumstance to be steadfast in our purpose, esteeming nothing to be of higher importance than justice and honour, is difficult. ** [[Polybius]], ''Histories'', book 29 chapter 26 * Do good by stealth, and blush to find it [[fame]]. ** [[Alexander Pope]], ''Epilogue to the Satires'' dialogue I line 136. * The more skillfully the language of goodness is assumed, the greater the depravity. ** [[Publius Syrus]], ''The Moral Sayings of Publius Syrus'' (1856), # 114 ==Q== [[File:Flickr - The U.S. Army - Operation Good Heart.jpg|thumb|[[Do]] good; Surely, [[God]] [[loves]] the [[people]] who do good [[deeds]]. ~ [[Quran]]]] * And [[Generous|spend]] in the way of God and do not throw ([[yourselves]]) with your (own) [[hands]] into [[destruction]] (by refraining). And '''do good; Indeed, God loves the doers of good.''' ** Other translations:''Be gooddoers; Allah loves the gooddoers''. ''do good (to others); surely Allah loves the doers of good''. ** [[Quran]], [[w:en:Al Imran|2]]:195 * Indeed, God is with those who [[fear of God|fear Him]] and those who are doers of good. ** [[Quran]] 16:128 * When at eventide [[noble]] steeds swift of [[foot]] were displayed before him, [[Solomon|he]] said: '''"I have loved the love of good [[things]] over the [[remembrance]] of my [[Lord]], until (the [[sun]]) was taken behind the veil"''' ** [[Quran]], 38:31 - 38:32 * But none is granted it except those who are [[patient]], and none is granted it except one having a [[great]] portion (of good). ** [[Quran]] 41:35 * Is the [[reward]] for good (anything) but good? ** [[Quran]] 55:60 ==S== [[File:Licius Anneus Seneque (BM 1879,1213.294).jpg|thumb|right|That which is honourable is the only good; all other goods are alloyed and debased. ~ [[Seneca the Younger]] ]] * Nec multis verbis nec circumitu longo, quod sit summum bonum, colliges1; digito, ut ita dicam, demonstrandum est nec in multa spargendum. Quid enim ad rem pertinet in particulas illud diducere, cum possis dicere: summum bonum est, quod honestum est? Et quod magis admireris: unum bonum est, quod honestum est, cetera falsa et bona sunt. Hoc si persuaseris tibi et virtutem adamaveris, amare enim parum est, quicquid illa contigerit, id tibi, qualecumque aliis videbitur, faustum felixque erit. Et torqueri, si modo iacueris ipso torquente securior, et aegrotare, si non male dixeris fortunae, si non cesseris morbo, omnia denique, quae ceteris videntur mala, et mansuescent et in bonum abibunt, si super illa eminueris. ** To infer the nature of this Supreme Good, one does not need many words or any round-about discussion; it should be pointed out with the forefinger, so to speak, and not be dissipated into many parts. For what good is there in breaking it up into tiny bits, when you can say: the Supreme Good is that which is honourablea? Besides (and you may be still more surprised at this), '''that which is honourable is the only good; all other goods are alloyed and debased. If you once convince yourself of this, and if you come to love virtue devotedly (for mere loving is not enough), anything that has been touched by virtue will be fraught with blessing and prosperity for you, no matter how it shall be regarded by others. Torture, if only, as you lie suffering, you are more calm in mind than your very torturer; illness, if only you curse not Fortune and yield not to the disease—in short, all those things which others regard as ills will become manageable and will end in good, if you succeed in rising above them.''' ** [[Seneca the Younger]], Epistle LXXI. In: Seneca, Epistles, Volume II: Epistles 66-92. Translated by Richard M. Gummere. Loeb Classical Library, page 74-75. [https://archive.is/DkFt7 Archived] from [https://www.loebclassics.com/view/seneca_younger-epistles/1917/pb_LCL076.75.xml?mainRsKey=Q5LLPk the original] on October 23, 2024. * Sweet are the uses of adversity,<br>Which, like the toad, ugly and venomous,<br>Wears yet a precious jewel in his head;<br>And this our life, exempt from public haunt,<br>Finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks,<br>Sermons in stones, and good in every thing. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[As You Like It]]'', Act II, sc. i (1599 or 1600) * How far that little candle throws his beams!<br>So shines a good deed in a naughty world. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'', Act V, sc. i (1596 and 1598) * It is quite useless to declare that all men are born [[free]] if you deny that they are born good. Guarantee a man's goodness and his [[liberty]] will take care of itself. To guarantee his freedom on condition that you approve of his [[moral]] [[character]] is formally to abolish all freedom whatsoever, as every man's liberty is at the mercy of a moral indictment which any fool can trump up against everyone who violates custom, whether as a prophet or as a rascal. ** [[George Bernard Shaw]], in ''Major Barbara'' (1905), Preface * [[People]] aren't either wicked or [[noble]]. They're like chef's salads, with good things and bad things chopped and mixed together in a vinaigrette of confusion and conflict. ** [[Lemony Snicket]], ''A Series of Unfortunate Events''. * Nothing can harm a good man, either in life or after death. ** [[Socrates]], [[Apology (Plato)|''The Apology'']], 41 (399 BC) * For he that is a good man, is three quarters of his way towards the being a good [[Christian]], wheresoever he lives, or whatsoever he is called. ** [[Robert South]], sermon ''Why Christ's Doctrine was Rejected''. ==T== *''Bonum (est) diffusivum sui''. :*Good tends to spread. :**Saint [[Thomas Aquinas]], [[Summa Theologica|Summa theologiae]], I, q. 5 a. 4, ad 2. As quoted in [[Pope John Paul II]], General Audience of [https://www.vatican.va/content/john-paul-ii/it/audiences/1985/documents/hf_jp-ii_aud_19850918.html 18th September 1985]. * It is not so important that many should be good as you, as that there be some absolute goodness somewhere; for that will leaven the whole lump. ** [[Henry David Thoreau]], ''Civil Disobedience'', 1.10 * The touchstone of goodness is to own one's defeat even to inferiors. ** [[Tiruvalluvar]], ''Tirukkural'': 786. * One may slain every goodness and yet escape, but no escape for one who slain [[gratitude]]. ** [[Tiruvalluvar]], ''Tirukkural'': 110. * If goodness has causes, it is not goodness; if it has effects, a reward, it is not goodness either. So goodness is outside the chain of cause and effect. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]], Levin in ''Anna Karenina'', C. Garnett, trans. (New York: 2003), Part 8, Chapter 12, p. 735 * Every person has only one purpose: to find perfection in goodness. Therefore, only that knowledge is necessary which leads to this. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''A Calendar of Wisdom'', P. Sekirin, trans. (1997), May 3 * To be good and lead a good life means to give to others more than one takes from them. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[http://www.ivu.org/history/tolstoy/the_%20first_step.html The First Step]'' (1892), ch. VII * I longed with all my soul to be good, but I was young; I had passions and I was alone, completely alone in my search for goodness. Every time I tried to express my innermost desires&mdash;a wish to be morally good&mdash;I met with contempt and scorn, and as soon as I gave in to vile passions I was praised and encouraged. Ambition, lust for power, self-interest, lechery, pride, anger, revenge, were all respected qualities. As I yielded to these passions I became like my elders and I felt that they were pleased with me. ** [[Leo Tolstoy]], ''[[w:A Confession|A Confession]]'' (1882), as translated by Jane Kentish (Penguin: 1987), p. 22 * In Donald's mind, even acknowledging an inevitable threat would indicate weakness. Taking responsibility would open him up to blame. Being a hero- being good- is impossible for him. ** Mary L. Trump, ''Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World's Most Dangerous Man'' (2020), p. 210 ==W== * What is good looking, as Horace Smith remarks, but looking good? Be good, be womanly, be gentle, — generous in your sympathies, heedful of the well-being of all around you; and, my word for it, you will not lack kind words of admiration. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], ''The Beautiful'' ==X== * For avoiding slavery to the belly or to sleep and incontinence, is there, think you, any more effective specific than the possession of other and greater pleasures, which are delightful not only to enjoy, but also because they arouse hopes of lasting benefit? ... Do you think then that out of all this thinking there comes anything so pleasant as the thought: ‘I am growing in goodness and I am making better friends'? And that, I may say, is my constant thought. ** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''[[Memorabilia (Xenophon)|Memorabilia]]'', 1.6.1 * They live best, I think, who strive best to become as good as possible: and the pleasantest life is theirs who are conscious that they are growing in goodness. ** [[Xenophon]], [[Socrates]] in ''[[Memorabilia (Xenophon)|Memorabilia]]'', 4.8.6 * Human nature is evil; its goodness derives from conscious activity. Now it is human nature to be born with a fondness for profit. Indulging this leads to contention and strife, and the sense of modesty and yielding with which one was born disappears. One is born with feelings of envy and hate, and, by indulging these, one is led into banditry and theft, so that the sense of loyalty and good faith with which he was born disappears. One is born with the desires of the ears and eyes and with a fondness for beautiful sights and sounds, and, by indulging these, one is led to licentiousness and chaos, so that the sense of ritual, rightness, refinement, and principle with which one was born is lost. Hence, following human nature and indulging human emotions will inevitably lead to contention and strife, causing one to rebel against one’s proper duty, reduce principle to chaos, and revert to violence. Therefore one must be transformed by the example of a teacher and guided by the way of ritual and rightness before one will attain modesty and yielding, accord with refinement and ritual, and return to order. ** [[Xun Zi]], “Human Nature is Evil,” ''Sources of Chinese Tradition'' (1999), vol. 1, pp. 179-180 ==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''== :<small>Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'', p. 326-29.</small> * Whatever any one does or says, I must be good. ** [[Marcus Aurelius|Aurelius Antoninus]], ''Meditations'', Chapter VII. * What good I see humbly I seek to do,<br>And live obedient to the [[law]], in trust<br>That what will come, and must come, shall come well. ** [[Edwin Arnold]], ''The Light of Asia'' (1879), Book VI, line 273. * Because indeed there was never law, or sect, or [[opinion]], did so much magnify goodness, as the Christian religion doth. ** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Essays'', ''Of Goodness and Goodness of Nature.'' * For the cause that lacks assistance,<br>The wrong that needs resistance,<br>For the [[future]] in the distance,<br> And the good that I can do. ** [[George Linnæus Banks]], ''What I Live For''. * The good he scorned<br>Stalked off reluctant, like an ill-used ghost,<br>Not to return; or if it did, in visits<br>Like those of angels, short and far between. ** [[Robert Blair]], ''The Grave'', Part II, line 586. * One may not doubt that, somehow Good<br>Shall come of Water and of Mud;<br>And sure, the reverent eye must see<br>A purpose in Liquidity. ** [[Rupert Brooke]], ''Heaven''. * No good Book, or good thing of any sort, shows its best face at first. ** [[Thomas Carlyle]], ''Essays'', "[[Novalis]]". * ''Ergo hoc proprium est animi bene constituti, et lætari bonis rebus, et dolere contrariis.'' ** This is a proof of a well-trained mind, to rejoice in what is good and to grieve at the opposite. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Amicitia'', XIII. * ''Homines ad deos nulla re propius accedunt, quam salutem hominibus dando.'' ** Men in no way approach so nearly to the gods as in doing good to men. ** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Quinto Ligario'', XII. * ''Cui bono?'' ** What's the good of it? for whose advantage? ** [[Cicero]], ''Oratio Pro Sextio Roscio Amerino'', XXX. Quoted from Lucius Cassius—Second Philippic. ("Qui bono fueret.") See ''Life of Cicero'', II. 292. Note. * That good diffused may more abundant grow. ** [[William Cowper]], ''Conversation'' (1782), line 441. * Doing good,<br>Disinterested good, is not our trade. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book I. The Sofa, line 673. * Now, at a certain time, in pleasant mood,<br>He tried the luxury of doing good. ** [[George Crabbe]], ''Tales of the Hall'' (1819), Book III. * Who soweth good seed shall surely reap;<br>The year grows rich as it groweth old,<br>And life's latest sands are its sands of gold! ** [[Julia C. R. Dorr]], ''To the "Bouquet Club"''. * Look around the habitable world, how few<br>Know their own good, or knowing it, pursue. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Juvenal'', Satire X. * If you wish to be good, first believe that you are bad. ** [[Epictetus]], ''Fragments''. Long's translation. * For all their luxury was doing good. ** [[Samuel Garth]], ''Cleremont'', line 149. * ''Ein guter Mensch, in seinem dunkeln Drange,<br>Ist sich des rechten Weges wohl bewusst.'' ** A good man, through obscurest aspirations<br> Has still an instinct of the one true way. ** [[Johann Wolfgang von Goethe]], ''[[Goethe's Faust|Faust]]'', Prolog im Himmel * And learn the luxury of doing good. ** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveller'' (1764), line 22. * Impell'd with steps unceasing to pursue<br>Some fleeting good, that mocks me with the view,<br>That, like the circle bounding earth and skies,<br>Allures from far, yet, as I follow, flies. ** [[Oliver Goldsmith]], ''The Traveller'' (1764), line 25. * If goodness leade him not, yet wearinesse<br>May tosse him to my breast. ** [[George Herbert]], ''The Pulley'', Stanza 4. * ''Vir bonus est quis?<br>Qui consulta patrum, qui leges juraque servat.'' ** Who is a good man? He who keeps the decrees of the fathers, and both human and divine laws. ** [[Horace]], ''Epistles'', I. 16. 40. * God whose gifts in gracious flood<br>Unto all who seek are sent,<br>Only asks you to be good<br> And is content. ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''God whose Gifts in Gracious Flood''. * He was so good he would pour rose-water on a toad. ** [[Douglas Jerrold]], ''Jerrold's Wit'', ''A Charitable Man''. * Can there any good thing come out of Nazareth? ** John. I. 46. * How near to good is what is fair! ** [[Ben Jonson]], ''Love Freed from Ignorance and Folly''. * ''Rari quippe boni: numero vix sunt totidem quot<br>Thebarum portæ, vel divitis ostia Nili.'' ** The good, alas! are few: they are scarcely as many as the gates of Thebes or the mouths of the Nile. *** [[Juvenal]], ''Satires'' (early 2nd century), XIII. 26. * Be good, sweet maid, and let who will be clever;<br> Do noble things, not dream them all day long;<br>And so make life, death, and that vast forever<br> One grand, sweet song. ** [[Charles Kingsley]], ''Farewell. To C. E. G.'' * Be good, sweet maid, and let who can be clever;<br> Do lovely things, not dream them, all day long;<br>And so make Life, and Death, and that For Ever,<br> One grand sweet song. ** [[Charles Kingsley]], ''Farewell''. Version in ed. of 1889. Also in Life. Ed. by his wife, Volume I, p. 487, with line: "And so make Life, Death, and that vast For Ever". * ''Weiss<br>Dass alle Länder gute Menschen tragen.'' ** Know this, that every country can produce good men. *** [[Gotthold Ephraim Lessing]], ''Nathan der Weise'', II. * ''Segnius homines bona quam mala sentiunt.'' ** Men have less lively perception of the good than of the bad. *** [[Livy]], ''Annales'', XXX. 21. * The soil out of which such men as he are made is good to be born on, good to live on, good to die for and to be buried in. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''Among my Books''. Second Series. Garfield. * ''Si veris magna paratur<br>Fama bonis, et si successu nuda remoto<br>Inspicitur virtus, quicquid laudamus in ullo<br>Majorum, fortuna fuit.'' ** If honest fame awaits the truly good; if setting aside the ultimate success of excellence alone is to be considered, then was his fortune as proud as any to be found in the records of our ancestry. *** [[Marcus Annaeus Lucanus]], ''Pharsalia'', IX. 593. * The crest and crowning of all good,<br>Life's final star, is Brotherhood. ** [[Edwin Markham]], ''Brotherhood''. * None<br>But such as are good men can give good things,<br>And that which is not good, is not delicious<br>To a well-governed and wise appetite. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Comus (John Milton)|Comus]]'' (1637), line 702. * Since good, the more<br>Communicated, more abundant grows. ** [[John Milton]], ''[[Paradise Lost]]'' (1667; 1674), Book V, line 71. * A glass is good, and a lass is good,<br> And a pipe to smoke in cold weather;<br>The world is good, and the people are good,<br> And we're all good fellows together. ** [[John O'Keefe]], ''Sprigs of Laurel'', Act II, scene 1. * I know and love the good, yet ah! the worst pursue. ** [[Petrarch]], ''To Laura in Life'', Canzone XXI. * ''Itidemque ut sæpe jam in multis locis,<br>Plus insciens quis fecit quam prodens boni.'' ** And so it happens oft in many instances; more good is done without our knowledge than by us intended. *** [[Plautus]], ''Captivi Prologue'', XLIV. * ''Bono ingenio me esse ornatam, quam auro multo mavolo.<br>Aurum fortuna invenitur, natura ingenium donum.<br>Bonam ego, quam beatam me esse nimio dici mavolo.'' ** A good disposition I far prefer to gold; for gold is the gift of fortune; goodness of disposition is the gift of nature. I prefer much rather to be called good than fortunate. *** [[Plautus]], ''Phœnulus'', I. 2. 90. * Every good thing is gentle and consistent, progressing in good order and not going beyond what is right. ** [[Porphyry (philosopher)|Porphyry]], ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=B5ojAwAAQBAJ&pg=PA0 On Abstinence from Killing Animals]'', translated by Gillian Clark (Bloomsbury, 2014), II. 39. 4. * ''Gute Menschen können sich leichter in schlimme hineindenken als diese injene.'' ** Good men can more easily see through bad men than the latter can the former. *** [[Jean Paul Richter]], ''Hesperus'', IV. * You're good for Madge or good for Cis<br> Or good for Kate, maybe:<br>But what's to me the good of this<br> While you're not good for me? ** [[Christina G. Rossetti]], ''Jessie Cameron'', Stanza 3. * ''Esse quam videri bonus malebat.'' ** He preferred to be good, rather than to seem so. *** [[Sallust]], ''Catlina'', LIV. * What is beautiful is good, and who is good will soon also be beautiful. ** [[Sappho]], ''Fragment'', 101. * ''Bonitas non est pessimis esse meliorem.'' ** It is not goodness to be better than the very worst. *** [[Seneca the Younger]], ''Epistolæ Ad Lucilium''. * So shines a good deed in a weary world. ** Willie Wonka, played by [[w:Gene Wilder|Gene Wilder]], [[w:Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory|Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (film)]] (1971), screenplay by Roald Dahl David Seltzer * There lives within the very flame of love<br>A kind of wick or snuff that will abate it;<br>And nothing is at a like goodness still;<br>For goodness, growing to a pleurisy,<br>Dies in his own too much. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act IV, scene 7, line 115. * Your great goodness, out of holy pity,<br>Absolv'd him with an axe. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry VIII (play)|Henry VIII]]'' ([[w:Henry VIII (play)#Date|c. 1613]]), Act III, scene 2, line 263. * I am in this earthly world; where to do harm,<br>Is often laudable, to do good sometime<br>Accounted dangerous folly. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Macbeth]]'' (1605), Act IV, scene 2, line 75. * My meaning in saying he is a good man is to have you understand me that he is sufficient. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[The Merchant of Venice]]'' (late 1590s), Act I, scene 3, line 14. * For the Lord Jesus Christ's sake,<br>Do all the good you can,<br>To all the people you can,<br>In all the ways you can,<br>As long as ever you can. ** Tombstone inscription in Shrewsbury, England. Favorite of Mr. Moody. * For who is there but you? who not only claim to be a good man and a gentleman, for many are this, and yet have not the power of making others good. Whereas you are not only good yourself, but also the cause of goodness in others. ** [[Socrates]] to Protagoras. See [[Plato]]. Jowett's translation. * How pleasant is Saturday night,<br> When I've tried all the week to be good,<br>Not spoken a word that is bad,<br> And obliged every one that I could. ** [[Nancy Dennis Sproat]], ''How Pleasant is Saturday Night''. * One person I have to make good: myself. But my duty to my neighbor is much more nearly expressed by saying that I have to make him happy—if I may. ** [[Robert Louis Stevenson]], ''Christmas Sermon''. * She has more goodness in her little finger than he has in his whole body. ** [[Jonathan Swift]], ''Polite Conversation'' (c. 1738), Dialogue II. * O, yet we trust that somehow good<br> Will be the final goal of ill,<br> To pangs of nature, sins of will<br>Defects of doubt and taints of blood. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''[[In Memoriam A.H.H.]]'' (1849), LIV. 1. * 'Tis only noble to be good. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''Lady Clara Vere de Vere''. Same in Juvenal, ''Satires'', VIII. 24. * Man should be ever better than he seems. ** Sir [[Aubrey de Vere]], ''A Song of Faith''. * ''Le plus grand ennemi du bon, c'est le mieux.'' ** The better is the greatest enemy of the good. ** French proverb, as cited in [[Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel]], ''Elements of the Philosophy of Right'' (1820), §216. ** Variants: *** ''Dans ses écrits un sage Italien <br /> Dit que le mieux est l'ennemi du bien.'' **** In his writings a wise Italian <br /> Says that the better is the enemy of the good. **** [[Voltaire]], ''La Bégueule'' (The Prude) (1772) *** The perfect is the enemy of the good. **** Modern paraphrase of Voltaire. ==''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895)== <small>Quotes reported in [[Wikisource:Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert|Josiah Hotchkiss Gilbert]], ''[https://openlibrary.org/books/OL23387290M/Dictionary_of_burning_words_of_brilliant_writers Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers]'' (1895).</small> * Live for something! Do good and leave behind you a monument of virtue that the storm of time can never destroy. Write your name in kindness, love, and mercy on the hearts of the thousands you come in contact with, year by year, and you will never be forgotten. Your name, your deeds, will be as legible on the hearts you leave behind, as the stars on the brow of evening. Good deeds will shine as the stars of heaven. ** [[Thomas Chalmers]], p. 243. * Goodness consists not in the outward things we do, but in the inward thing we are. ''To be'' is the great thing. ** [[Edwin Hubbell Chapin]], p. 286. * How many people would like to be good, if only they might be good without taking trouble about it! They do not like goodness well enough to hunger and thirst after it, or to sell all that they have that they may buy it; they will not batter at the gate of the kingdom of heaven; but they look with pleasure on this or that aerial castle of righteousness, and think it would be rather nice to live in it. ** [[George MacDonald]], p. 286. * Great hearts alone understand how much glory there is in being good. ** [[Jules Michelet]], p. 286. * Be good my child, and let who will be clever;<br>Do noble deeds, not dream them all day long;<br>And so make life, death, and that vast forever<br>One grand, sweet song. ** [[Charles Kingsley]], p. 286. * Be not simply good; be good for something. ** [[Henry David Thoreau]], p. 286. * No good thing is ever lost. Nothing dies, not even life which gives up one form only to resume another. No good action, no good example dies. It lives forever in our race. While the frame moulders and disappears, the deed leaves an indelible stamp, and moulds the very thought and will of future generations. ** [[Samuel Smiles]], p. 286. * For ever and ever, my darling, yes—<br>Goodness and love are undying;<br>Only the troubles and cares of earth<br>Are winged from the first for flying.<br>Our way we plough<br>In the furrow "now;"<br>But after the tilling and growing the sheaf;<br>Soil for the root, but the sun for the leaf—<br>And God keepeth watch forever. ** [[Mary Mapes Dodge]], p. 287. * Nothing that man ever invents will absolve him from the universal necessity of being good as God is good, righteous as God is righteous, and holy as God is holy. ** [[Charles Kingsley]], p. 287. * He who believes in goodness has the essence of all faith. He is a man "of cheerful yesterdays and confident to-morrows." ** [[James Freeman Clarke]], p. 287. * We cannot rekindle the morning beams of childhood; we cannot recall the noontide glory of youth; we cannot bring back the perfect day of maturity; we cannot fix the evening rays of age in the shadowy horizon; but we can cherish that goodness which is the sweetness of childhood, the joy of youth, the strength of maturity, the honor of old age, and the bliss of saints. ** [[Henry Giles]], p. 287. == See also == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} * [[Excellence]] * [[Good and evil]] * [[Greatness]] * [[Moral]] * [[Merit]] * [[Nobility]] {{col-2}} * [[Virtue]] * [[Worth]] * [[:Category:Virtues]] {{col-end}} ==External links== {{wikipedia|Good}} {{wikipedia|Goodness}} {{wiktionary|goodness}} {{Virtues and vices}} [[Category:Virtues]] [[Category:Ethics]] 5jc79aqxhv74ac1tn4hprzg8edp0ixw 0 126607 3954382 3952348 2026-06-19T11:14:01Z Mulkh Singh 2952295 3954382 wikitext text/x-wiki A '''[[w:mother|mother]]''' is the female parent of a child. A woman may be considered a mother by virtue of having given birth, by raising a child who may or may not be her biological offspring, or by supplying her ovum for fertilisation in the case of gestational surrogacy. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} == Quotes == [[File:SheSaid_2023_Social_media_Sanu_Sharma.jpg|thumb|I realized that while [[women]] may seem like regular individuals, mothers are nothing short of divine embodiment. They transcend the ordinary, not only navigating life's challenges but also contending with the forces of nature in relentless devotion to their children. ~ [[Sanu Sharma]]]] === A === * How vastly important is it, then, for mothers to have a higher regard for their duties—to feel deeply the immense responsibilities that rest upon them! It is through their ministrations that the world grows worse or better. ** [[Timothy Shay Arthur]], ''The Mother’s Rule; or, The Right Way and the Wrong Way'' (1856), Preface === B === * ... mammals ... They—or rather, we—actually originated around the same time as the dinosaurs, over 200 million years ago, when all land was gathered together as one supercontinent, scorched by vast deserts. Those first mammals had an even deeper legacy, tracing back to about 325 million years ago, to a humid realm of coal swamps, when the ancestral mammal lineage split from the reptile line on the great family tree of life. Over these immense stretches of geological time, mammals developed their trademark features: hair, keen senses of smell and hearing, big brains and sharp intelligence, fast growth and warm-blooded metabolism, a distinctive lineup of teeth (canines, incisors, premolars, molars), mammary glands that mothers use to nourish their babies. ** {{w|Stephen L. Brusatte}}, {{cite book|chapter=Introduction. Our mammalian family|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=_XBBEAAAQBAJ | title=The Rise and Reign of the Mammals: A New History, from the Shadow of the Dinosaurs to Us | isbn=9780062951526 | date=7 June 2022 | publisher=HarperCollins }} * [[Mao Zedong|Mao]]'s mother, Wen Chi-mei, was a hardy woman who worked in the house and fields. A Buddhist, she exhibited a warm-hearted kindness toward her children much in contrast to her husband's patriarchal sternest. During famines, when her husband was not watching, she would give food to the poor who came begging. ** [[w:Fox Butterfield|Fox Butterfield]], {{cite journal|title=Mao Zedong Dies in Peking at 82|date=September 10, 1976|journal=The New York Times|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=mDmKCwAAQBAJ&q=wen#v=snippet&f=false}} === C === *Mother and poetess do not rhyme, but they go together rather well. **[[Rosario Castellanos]] "Genesis of an Ambassador" (1971) In Another Way to Be: Selected Works of Rosario Castellanos translated from Spanish by Myralyn Allgood === E === * Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. ** [[Exodus]] 20:12 (NIV) === G === *[[Motherhood]] in the true sense should embrace all children. Because so few realize this truth, child life is so empty of warmth, of love, of color, and beauty. A home—what is it to-day but a cage from which most of its inhabitants wish to escape? No, I should never have found happiness in such a place. **[[Emma Goldman]] [https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/emma-goldman-has-my-life-been-worth-while "Has My Life Been Worth While?"] (1933) === H === [[File:Mikuláš Galanda - Mother Galanda.jpg|thumb|right|The [[real]] [[religion]] of the [[world]] comes from [[women]] much more than from [[men]] — from mothers most of [[all]], who carry the [[key]] of our [[souls]] in their bosoms. ~ [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]] ]] * '''The [[real]] [[religion]] of the [[world]] comes from [[women]] much more than from [[men]] — from mothers most of [[all]], who carry the [[key]] of our [[souls]] in their bosoms.''' ** [[Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.]], in "The Professor at the Breakfast Table" in ''The Atlantic Monthly'' (May 1859), p. 618. * In this unexpected scenario, the [[UFO]] occupants -- despite their obvious technological superiority -- are desperate for both human [[Genetics|genetic]] material ''and'' the ability to feel human [[Emotions|emotions]] -- particularly maternal emotions. Unlikely though it may seem, it is possible that the very survival of these extraterrestrials depends upon their success in absorbing chemical and psychological properties received from human abductees. ** [[Budd Hopkins]] in ''Intruders: The Incredible Visitations at Copley Woods'', p. 190 === J === [[File:Julian of Norwich.jpg|thumb| Our [[Substance]] is our [[Father]], [[God]] Almighty, and our Substance is our Mother, God, [[All]]-[[wisdom]]; and our Substance is in our [[Lord]] the [[Holy]] [[Spirit|Ghost]], God All-[[goodness]]. ~ [[Julian of Norwich]] ]] * {{small-caps|Dear Sir}},<br>You have by every kind of evidence, lost an excellent mother; and I hope you will not think me incapable of sharing your grief. I have a mother, now eight-two years of age, whom, therefore, I must soon lose, unless it please {{small-caps|God}} that she rather should mourn for me. ** [[Samuel Johnson]], letter to Mr. [[w:James Elphinston|James Elphinston]], September 25, 1750, as quoted by [[James Boswell]] in {{cite book|editor=Chapman, R.W.|title=Life of Johnson|publisher=Oxford University Press|page=151|year=1998|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=x7YtLD4uLogC&pg=PA151}} * When I was a little girl and I read a book I loved, I would kiss the picture of the author on the back of the book. And then my mother would come in the room and I would say, "I just read this book and this is the woman who wrote it." And my mother would say, "She's dead." Always the depressive, my mother. ** [[Erica Jong]] in {{cite journal|title=PEN DIY: Erica Jong on How to Write YOUR Book|journal=PEN America, YouTube|date=February 5, 2015|url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9czySBu_kjE}} (quote at 31:09 of 36:38) * Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother's love is not. ** [[James Joyce]] in ''[[A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man]]'' (1916) * '''I saw that [[God]] rejoiceth that He is our [[Father]], and God rejoiceth that He is our Mother, and God rejoiceth that He is our Very Spouse and our [[soul]] is His loved Wife.''' And [[Christ]] rejoiceth that He is our Brother, and [[Jesus]] rejoiceth that He is our Saviour. These are five high [[joys]], as I [[understand]], in which He willeth that we enjoy; Him praising, Him thanking, Him loving, Him endlessly [[blessing]]. ** [[Julian of Norwich]], in ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c.1393), Ch. 58 * '''Our [[Substance]] is our Father, God Almighty, and our Substance is our Mother, God, [[All]]-[[wisdom]]; and our Substance is in our Lord the Holy Ghost, God All-[[goodness]].''' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], in ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c.1393), Ch. 58 * '''As verily as God is our Father, so verily God is our Mother'''; and that shewed He in all, and especially in these sweet words where He saith: ''I IT AM.'' That is to say, ''I IT AM, the Might and the Goodness of the Fatherhood; I IT AM, the Wisdom of the Motherhood; I IT AM, the [[Light]] and the [[Grace]] that is all blessed [[Love]]: I IT AM, the Trinity, I IT AM, the [[Unity]]: I am the sovereign Goodness of all manner of things. I am that maketh thee to love: I am that maketh thee to long: I IT AM, the endless fulfilling of all true desires.'' ** [[Julian of Norwich]], in ''Revelations of Divine Love'' (c.1393), Ch. 58 === K === * Our Rabbis taught: It says, 'Honour your father and your mother' (Exodus 20:12), and it says, 'Honor God with your wealth' (Proverbs 3:9). By using the same terminology, the Torah compares the honour you owe your father and mother to the honour you have to give to the Almighty. It also says, 'Every person must respect his mother and his father' (Leviticus 19:3), and it says, 'God your Lord you shall respect, Him you shall serve' (Deuteronomy 10:20). Here the same word, respect, is used. The Torah equates the respect you owe your parents with the respect you must show God. Furthermore it says, 'Whoever curses his father or mother shall be put to death' (Exodus 21:17). And furthermore it says, 'Anyone that curses God shall bear his sin' (Leviticus 24.–15). By using the same terms the Torah compares cursing of parents with cursing the Almighty.[14] ** [[w:Talmud Kiddushin|Talmud Kiddushin]] 31 * Being a good mother means teaching your children to care for the world. ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=95}} * Being a good mother doesn't end with creating a home where just my children can flourish. A good mother grows into a richly eutrophic old woman, knowing that her work doesn't end until she creates a home where all of life's beings can flourish. ** [[Robin Wall Kimmerer]], {{cite book |title={{w|Braiding Sweetgrass}}: Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge and the Teachings of Plants |date=16 September 2013 |publisher=Milkweed Editions |isbn=978-1-57131-871-8 |page=97}} *If I were hanged on the highest hill, Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!<BR>I know whose love would follow me still, Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine! <BR>If I were drowned in the deepest sea, Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!<BR>I know whose tears would come down to me, Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine! <BR>If I were damned of body and soul, I know whose prayers would make me whole, Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine! **[[Rudyard Kipling]] ''Mother O' Mine'', * We should always loved our mother more because she's the light in our eyes, if her eyes is closed permanently then our world will be dark as ever. **Sarah Khan === L === * '''All that I am, or [[hope]] to be, I owe to my [[angel]] mother.''' ** Attributed to [[Abraham Lincoln]] in Josiah G. Holland, ''The Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1866), p. 23; and George Alfred Townsend, ''The Real Life of Abraham Lincoln'' (1867), p. 6. According to Townsend, Lincoln made this remark to his law partner, William Herndon. It is disputed whether this quote refers to Lincoln's natural mother, Nancy Hanks Lincoln, who died when he was nine years old, or to his stepmother, Sarah Bush (Johnston) Lincoln. * My mother is like the bright light in the sky, a doe on the hillsides. She is the morning star, shining even at noon-time. She is precious cornelian, a topaz from Marhaci. ** [[Lu-diĝira]], ''[http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/section5/tr551.htm The message of Lu-dingira to his mother]'' (mid to late {{w|3rd millennium BC}}). === M === * A Kanga is Generally Regarded as One of the Fiercer Animals. I am not frightened of Fierce Animals in the ordinary way, but it is well known that, if One of the Fiercer Animals is Deprived of Its Young, it becomes as fierce as Two of the Fiercer Animals. ** [[A. A. Milne]], in ''[[w:Winnie-the-Pooh|Winnie-the-Pooh]]'' (1926) === P === * it was kind of exhausting running after two babies. Still, looking back I see the pleasure of it. That’s when I began to know women very well—as co-workers, really...If I hadn’t spent that time in the playground, I wouldn’t have written a lot of those stories. **[[Grace Paley]] [https://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/2028/the-art-of-fiction-no-131-grace-paley Interview] with The Paris Review (1992) * It is as unnatural to force a child from the mother as from the father. ** C.J. Parker, in ''Inhabitants of St. Katherine v. St. George'' (1714), Fortescue, 218; reported in James William Norton-Kyshe, ''Dictionary of Legal Quotations'' (1904), p. 188. * She was not, herself, hugely in favor of motherhood in general. Obviously it was necessary, but it wasn’t exactly ''difficult.'' Even cats managed it. But women acted as if they’d been given a medal that entitled them to boss people around. It was as if, just because they’d got the label which said “mother,” everyone else got a tiny part of the label that said “child”... ** [[Discworld|Terry Pratchett]], ''Carpe Jugulum'' (1998) === R === * And I decided that if [[motherhood]] turned a "young American beauty" into that unhappy woman, then motherhood wasn't for me, either. That youthful, emotional decision (ill-formed and made for the wrong reasons) kept me from too much early sexual experimentation, and probably turned me into a bit of a tease. I'd "neck" but only go so far, because . . . well, I because I was going to be a writer, "free and unhampered." At the very least. I wasn't going to get pregnant in my [[Teenagers|teens]]. ** [[Jane Roberts]] in ''The God of Jane: A Psychic Manifesto'', p. 44 *In the hands of woman lies the salvation of humanity and of our planet... The mother suggests the first conscious thoughts to her child. She gives direction and quality to all his aspirations and abilities. But the mother who possesses no thought of culture can suggest only the lower expressions of human nature. But in her striving toward education, woman must remember that all educational systems are only the means for the development of a higher knowledge and culture. The true culture of thought is developed by the culture of spirit and heart. Only such a combination gives that great synthesis without which it is impossible to realize the real grandeur, diversity, and complexity of human life in its cosmic evolution. Therefore, while striving to knowledge, may woman remember the Source of Light and the Leaders of Spirit—those great Minds who, verily, created the consciousness of humanity. In approaching this Source, this leading Principle of Synthesis, humanity will find the way to real evolution. **[[Helena Roerich]] in ''Letters I'', (1 March 1929) *'''Eric Draven''': [[Mother]] is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all [[children]]. Do you [[understand]]? Morphine is bad for you. Your daughter is out there on the streets waiting for you. ** [[The Crow (1994 film)]] written by David J. Schow and John Shirley, based on [[w:The Crow|The Crow]] by James O'Barr === S === [[File:The Golden Bough - by Jeroen van Valkenburg.PNG|thumb|right|The long [[sleep]] of Mother [[Goddess]] is [[ended]]. May She [[awaken]] in each of our [[hearts]] — [[Merry]] meet, merry part, and [[blessed]] be. ~ [[Starhawk]] ]] * So loving to my mother<br>That he might not esteem the winds of heaven<br>Visit her face too roughly. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Hamlet]]'' (1600-02), Act I, scene 2, line 140. * And all my mother came into mine eyes<br>And gave me up to tears. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Henry V (play)|Henry V]]'' (c. 1599), Act IV, scene 6, line 32 * I realized that while women may seem like regular individuals, mothers are nothing short of divine embodiment. They transcend the ordinary, not only navigating life's challenges but also contending with the forces of nature in relentless devotion to their children. ** [[Sanu Sharma]], ''Pharak'' * The 2010 U.S. census found that 53 percent of working mothers rely on a [[grandparent]] to watch their preschoolers while they’re at work. But many of our former classmates’ jobs had taken them far from their families (which puts them in line with this 2012 study by Atlas Van Lines showing an increase nationwide in corporate relocation), and they had no one to call on in an emergency, never mind day-to-day childcare. As a result, many felt isolated when it came to childcare—and if they didn’t feel comfortable with daycare or a nanny, or couldn’t afford it, the obvious choice was to work less and parent more. ** Hana Shank and Elizabeth Wallace, [https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/12/beyond-maternity-leave/500063/ “Beyond Maternity Leave”], ''The Atlantic'', (Dec 19, 2016). * Just as the reward for honouring father and mother is very great, the punishment for transgressing it is very great. And the one who afflicts his parents causes the shechinah [presence of God] to separate from him and harsh decrees fall upon him and he is given many sufferings. And even if life smiles on him in this life, he will surely be punished in the World to Come. ** [[w:Kitzur Shulchan Aruch|Kitzur Shulchan Aruch]] 143:4 * '''The long sleep of Mother [[Goddess]] is ended. May She awaken in each of our [[hearts]] — Merry meet, merry part, and blessed be.''' ** [[Starhawk]], as quoted in ''Womanspirit Rising : A Feminist Reader in Religion'' (1979) by Carol P. Christ and Judith Plaskow * Everywhere the need exists for maternal sympathy and help, and thus we are able to recapitulate in the ''one'' word ''motherliness'' that which we have developed as the characteristic value of woman. Only, the motherliness must be that which does not remain within the narrow circle of blood relations or of personal friends; but in accordance with the model of the Mother of Mercy, it must have its root in universal divine love for all who are there, belabored and burdened. ** [[Edith Stein]], in ''The Significance of Woman's Intrinsic Value in National Life'' (1928). * A crafty man does not [[transgress]] against his mother. ** [[Sumerian proverb]], [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.1.13.html Collection XIII] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}. * A child should behave with modesty toward his mother. ** [[Sumerian proverb]] from [[Ur]]im, [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/proverbs/t.6.2.3.html Text online] at {{w|The Electronic Text Corpus of Sumerian Literature}}, {{w|3rd millennium BC}}. * You should not speak arrogantly to your mother; that causes hatred for you. You should not question the words of your mother and your [[personal god]]. The mother, like [[Utu]], gives [[birth]] to the man. ** Šuruppak, ''[[Instructions of Shuruppak]]'' (3rd millennium BC). [http://etcsl.orinst.ox.ac.uk/section5/tr561.htm] === T === [[File:Ann & Wm M'peace Thackeray,Madras age 2 by Chinnery.jpg|thumb|right|Mother is the [[name]] for [[God]] in the lips and [[hearts]] of little [[children]]. ~ [[William Makepeace Thackeray]] ]] :<small>Alphabetized by author </small> [[File:P.L. Travers as Titania in a production with Alan Wilkie.jpg|thumb|I never said, “Well, I’ll write a [[story]] about Mother [[Goddess]] and call it ''[[w:Mary Poppins|Mary Poppins]]''.” It didn’t happen like that. I cannot summon up [[inspiration]]; I myself am summoned. ~ [[P. L. Travers]] ]] * The bearing and the training of a child<br>Is woman's wisdom. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Princess'' (1847), Canto V, line 456. * Happy he<br>With such a mother! faith in womankind<br>Beats with his blood, and trust in all things high<br>Comes easy to him, and though he trip and fall,<br>He shall not blind his soul with clay. ** [[Alfred Tennyson]], ''The Princess'' (1847), Canto VII, line 308. * Myra subsided into outraged and sulky silence. Her romantic dream of motherhood had been riven into sharp-edged fragments by late-night feedings, constant diaper washing, and a baby who persisted in looking and acting like a baby, not like a young hero. ** [[Sheri S. Tepper]], ''The Gate to Women’s Country'' (1988), Chapter 10 * Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children. ** [[William Makepeace Thackeray]], in ''[[w:Vanity Fair|Vanity Fair]]'' (1847-1848), Vol. II, Ch. 2 * '''I’ve always been interested in the Mother [[Goddess]].''' Not long ago, a young person, whom I don’t know very well, sent a message to a mutual friend that said: “I’m an addict of ''[[w:Mary Poppins|Mary Poppins]]'', and I want you to ask P. L. Travers if Mary Poppins is not really the Mother Goddess.” So, I sent back a message: “Well, I’ve only recently come to see that. '''She is either the Mother Goddess or one of her creatures''' — that is, if we’re going to look for [[mythological]] or [[fairy-tale]] origins of ''Mary Poppins''.” <br /> I’ve spent years thinking about it because the questions I’ve been asked, very perceptive questions by readers, have led me to examine what I wrote.''' The book was entirely spontaneous and not invented, not thought out. I never said, “Well, I’ll write a story about Mother Goddess and call it ''Mary Poppins''.” It didn’t happen like that. I cannot summon up inspiration; I myself am summoned.''' ** [[P. L. Travers]], in [http://www.theparisreview.org/interviews/3099/the-art-of-fiction-no-63-p-l-travers ''The Paris Review'' No. 86 (Winter 1982)] * I do not care who it is, any child that turns on their mother is living in a terrible, terrible confusion. The earth is our mother. We must take care of the earth. ** [[John Trudell]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2WEVdNQAxE&t=25s Take back the Earth]," Thanksgiving 1980 === V === * The child must be prayed for. Those children that come with curses, that slip into the world, just in a moment of inadvertence, because that could not be prevented - what can we expect of such progeny? Mothers of America, think of that! Think in the heart of your hearts, are you ready to be women? Not any question of race or country, or that false sentiment of national pride. Who dares to be proud in this mortal life of ours, in this world of woes and miseries? What are we before this infinite force of God? But I ask you the question tonight: Do you all pray for the children to come? Are you thankful to be mothers, or not? Do you think that you are sanctified by motherhood, or not? Ask that of your minds. If you do not, your marriage is a lie, your womanhood is false, your education is superstition, and your children, if they come without prayer, will prove a curse to humanity. ** [[Swami Vivekananda]], [https://www.ramakrishnavivekananda.info/vivekananda/volume_8/lectures_and_discourses/women_of_india.htm "Women of India"], a lecture delivered at the Shakespeare Club House, in Pasadena, California, on 18 January 1900 === W === * The modern mother who is beginning to find that the rearing of children is the most difficult of all professions, more difficult than engineering, than law, or even than medicine itself. But along with this conviction comes the search for facts which will help them. ** [[John B. Watson]]. (1928). ''Psychological Care of Infant and Child''. New York: W. W. Norton & Co. p.12. * Wives haven't enough to do today. Scientific mass production has made their tasks so easy that they are overburdened with time. They utilize this time in destroying the happiness of their children. ** John B. Watson as quoted in Buckley, K.W. (1989). Mechanical Man: John Broadus Watson and the Beginnings of Behaviorism. New York: The Guilford Press. p.162 * All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That is his. ** [[Oscar Wilde]], ''[[w:The Importance of Being Earnest|The Importance of Being Earnest]]'', Act I. ===''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''=== :<small>Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 531-32.</small> * ''Stabat mater, dolorosa<br>Juxta crucem lacrymosa<br> Que pendebat Filius.'' ** At the cross, her station keeping,<br> Stood the mournful mother, weeping,<br> Where He hung, the dying Lord. ** Anon. Translation by Dr. Irons. * ''Alma mater.'' ** Fostering mother. ** Applied by students to the university where they have graduated. * [Milton] calls the university "A stony-hearted step-mother." ** [[Augustine Birrell]], ''Obiter Dicta''. Phrase used also by De Quincey, ''Confessions of an Opium Eater'', Part I. Referring to Oxford Street, London. * A mother is a mother still,<br> The holiest thing alive. ** [[Samuel Taylor Coleridge]], ''The Three Graves'', Stanza 10. * The mother of all living. ** Genesis, III. 20. * * There is none,<br>In all this cold and hollow world, no fount<br>Of deep, strong, deathless love, save that within<br>A mother's heart. ** [[Felicia Hemans]], ''Siege of Valencia'', scene Room in a Palace of Valencia. * The mother said to her daughter, "Daughter, bid thy daughter tell her daughter that her daughter's daughter hath a daughter." ** [[George Hakewill]], ''Apologie'', Book III, Chapter V, Section 9. * ''Mater ait natæ die natæ filia natum<br>Ut moneat natæ plangere filiolam.'' ** The mother says to her daughter: Daughter bid thy daughter, to tell her daughter, that her daughter's daughter is crying. ** See [[Greswell]], ''Account of Runcorn'', p. 34. Another translation.: Rise up daughter, and go to thy daughter, For her daughter's daughter hath a daughter. Another old form in Willets' Hexapla, in Leviticum, Chapter XXVI. 9. * I arose a mother in Israel. ** Judges. V. 7. * If I were hanged on the highest hill,<br>Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine!<br>I know whose love would follow me still,<br>Mother o' mine, O mother o' mine! ** [[Rudyard Kipling]], ''Mother O' Mine''. * No mother should be ashamed to admit that the joys of motherhood start when the kids are either asleep, away, or well married. ** Sam Levenson, ''Everything but Money'' * There was a place in childhood that I remember well,<br>And there a voice of sweetest tone bright fairy tales did tell. ** [[Samuel Lover]], ''My Mother Dear''. * * A woman's love<br>Is mighty, but a mother's heart is weak,<br>And by its weakness overcomes. ** [[James Russell Lowell]], ''Legend of Brittany'', Part II, Stanza 43. * The bravest battle that ever was fought;<br> Shall I tell you where and when?<br>On the maps of the world you will find it not;<br> It was fought by the mothers of men. ** [[Joaquin Miller]], ''The Bravest Battle'', ''Mothers of Men''. * Her children arise up and call her blessed. ** Proverbs, XXXI. 28. * They say man rules the universe,<br> That subject shore and main<br>Kneel down and bless the empery<br> Of his majestic reign;<br>But a sovereign, gentler, mightier,<br> Man from his throne has hurled,<br>For the hand that rocks the cradle<br> Is the hand that rules the world. ** [[William Stewart Ross]] ("Saladin"). ''Poem in Woman: Her Glory, her Shame, and her God'', Volume II, p. 420. 1894. * And say to mothers what a holy charge<br>Is theirs—with what a kingly power their love<br>Might rule the fountains of the new-born mind. ** [[Mrs. Sigourney]], ''The Mother of Washington'', line 33. * Who ran to help me when I fell,<br>And would some pretty story tell,<br>Or kiss the place to make it well?<br> My mother. ** [[Anne Taylor]], ''My Mother'', Stanza 6. * Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of children. ** [[William Makepeace Thackeray]], ''Vanity Fair'', Volume II, Chapter XII. * They say that man is mighty,<br> He governs land and sea,<br>He wields a mighty scepter<br> O'er lesser powers that be;<br>But a mightier power and stronger<br> Man from his throne has hurled,<br>For the hand that rocks the cradle<br> Is the hand that rules the world. ** [[William Ross Wallace]], ''What Rules the World''. Written about 1865–6. * Sure I love the dear silver that shines in your hair,<br>And the brow that's all furrowed, and wrinkled with care.<br>I kiss the dear fingers, so toil-worn for me,<br>Oh, God bless you and keep you, Mother Machree. ** [[Rida Johnson Young]], ''Mother Machree''. ==See also== ===Familiar relations=== *[[Children]] *[[Fathers]] *[[Parenting]] == External links == {{wikipedia|Mother}} {{wiktionary|mother}} *[https://mothersdayquotes.online/ Mothers Day Quotes] [[Category:Family]] [[Category:Women|+]] 5qa2dsupk0hfr2iei9eam6ybz5q09cl 0 126624 3954369 3861161 2026-06-19T09:21:13Z Apisite 3043558 /* G */ Added a new Quotation by Paul A. Goble 3954369 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Huey Newton.jpg|thumb|I have no doubt that the revolution will triumph. The people of the world will prevail, seize power, seize the means of production, wipe out racism, capitalism. ~ [[Huey Newton]]]] [[File:Holds the sun in her fingers.jpg|thumb|right|There is a revolution coming. It will not be like revolutions of the past. It will originate with the individual and with culture, and it will change the political structure only as its final act. It will not require violence to succeed, and it cannot be successfully resisted by violence. ~ [[Charles A. Reich]] ]] [[File:La Liberté guidant le peuple - Eugène Delacroix - Musée du Louvre Peintures RF 129 - après restauration 2024.jpg|thumb|right|We used to think that revolutions are the cause of change. Actually it is the other way around: change prepares the ground for revolution. ~ [[Eric Hoffer]] ]] [[File:Brocken-tanzawa.JPG|thumb|The only real revolution is in the enlightenment of the mind and the improvement of character, the only real emancipation is individual, and the only real revolutionaries are philosophers and saints. ~ [[Will Durant]] ]] [[File:Battle of Guilford Courthouse 15 March 1781.jpg|thumb|Revolutions are not made; they come. A revolution is as natural a growth as an oak. It comes out of the past. Its foundations are laid far back. ~ [[Wendell Phillips]]]] [[File:Panchen Lama during the struggle (thamzing) session 1964.jpg|thumb|[W]hat is happening is what left-wing revolutions do tend to produce, whether they’re talking about the Russian Revolution or the French Revolution, and that is students – the next generation of revolutionaries – become not only more radical than their radical professors, but they turn on them so the revolution tends to consume its own. ~ [[Robert P. George]]]] [[File:Che Guevara - Guerrillero Heroico by Alberto Korda.jpg|thumb|right|At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality. ~ [[Che Guevara]] ]] [[File:Black Panther Crop.png|thumb|Revolutionary change means the seizure of all that is held by the 1 percent, and the transference of these holdings into the hands of the remaining 99 percent. If the 1 percent are simply replaced by another 1 percent, revolutionary change has not taken place. ~ [[George Jackson (activist)|George L. Jackson]]]] [[File:Victor Hugo statue Guernsey.jpg|thumb|Would you realize what Revolution is, call it [[Progress]]; and would you realize what Progress is, call it [[Tomorrow]]. ~ [[Victor Hugo]] in ''[[Les Misérables]]'']] [[File:Kennedy at the Brandenburg Gate.jpg|thumb|The great revolution in the history of man, past, present and future, is the revolution of those determined to be free. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]] [[File:Sprit of '76.2.jpeg|thumb|Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]] [[File:March_on_Washington_edit.jpg|thumb|A great change is at hand, and our task, our obligation, is to make that revolution, that change, peaceful and constructive for all. ~ [[John F. Kennedy]] ]] [[File:Robert Kennedy speaking before a crowd, June 14, 1963.jpg|thumb|A revolution is coming — a revolution which will be peaceful if we are wise enough; compassionate if we care enough; successful if we are fortunate enough — But a revolution which is coming whether we will it or not. We can affect its character; we cannot alter its inevitability. ~ [[Robert Kennedy]] ]] [[File:Freeport Il Lincoln the Debater1.JPG|thumb|Any people anywhere being inclined and having the power have the right to rise up and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better. This is a most valuable, a most sacred right. ~ [[Abraham Lincoln]] ]] '''[[w:Revolution|Revolution]]''' (from [[w:Vulgar Latin|Late Latin]] ''revolutio'' which means "a turn around") is a significant [[change]] that usually occurs in a relatively short period of time. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha|''[[#Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations|Hoyt's&nbsp;New&nbsp;Cyclopedia&nbsp;Of&nbsp;Practical&nbsp;Quotations]]''}} == A== * It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in the minds of men. ** [[Diane Ackerman]], ''The Man Who Made a Revolution'', Parade magazine (September 1987) * Revolution is learning how to bring a large variety of personalities together into a powerful [[harmony]]. This harmony must lay down some general direction and get work done. It’s never easy. It’s struggle. It takes a lot of skill. ** [[Ashanti Alston]], ''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/ashanti-omowali-anarcho-pantherista Anarcho-Pantherista]'', 1995 Aug/Sep issue of L&R * The most radical revolutionary will become a [[Conservatism|conservative]] the day after the revolution. ** [[Hannah Arendt]] ''The New Yorker'' (12 September 1970) * Revolutionaries do not make revolutions! The revolutionaries are those who know when power is lying in the street and when they can pick it up. Armed uprising by itself has never yet led to revolution. ** [[Hannah Arendt]], ''Hannah Arendt'' (1989) [http://books.google.com/books?id=iMIPAQAAMAAJ&q=&quot;Revolutionaries+do+not+make+revolutions+The+revolutionaries+are+those+who+know+when+power+is+lying+in+the+street+and+when+they+can+pick+it+up+Armed&quot; Thoughts on Politics and Revolution: A Commentary] * Revolutions hew the past to pieces and cast it into a cauldron, but what has emerged is the old Aeson with a new visage. ** [[Sri Aurobindo]], ''Thoughts and Aphorisms'', ''Karma'' (1913) * Whatever plans we may make, we shall find quite useless when the time for action comes. Revolutions are always full of surprises, and whoever thinks he can play chess with a revolution will soon find how terrible is the grasp of [[God]] and how insignificant the human reason before the whirlwind of His breath. That man only is likely to dominate the chances of a Revolution, who makes no plans but preserves his heart pure for the will of God to declare itself. The great rule of life is to have no schemes but one unalterable purpose. If the will is fixed on the purpose it sets itself to accomplish, then circumstances will suggest the right course; but the schemer finds himself always tripped up by the unexpected. ** [[Sri Aurobindo]], ., Nahar, S., Aurobindo, ., & Institut de recherches évolutives (Paris). ''India's rebirth: A selection from Sri Aurobindo's writing, talks and speeches.'' Paris: Institut de Recherches Evolutives. 3rd Edition (2000). [https://web.archive.org/web/20170826004028/http://bharatvani.org/books/ir/IR_frontpage.htm] ==B== *Revolution requires extensive and widespread [[destruction]], a fecund and renovating [[destruction]], since in this way and only this way are new worlds born ** [[Mikhail Bakunin]], ''Statism and Anarchy'' (1873) * The peoples' revolution ... will arrange its revolutionary organisation from the bottom up and from the periphery to the centre, in keeping with the principle of [[liberty]]. ** [[Mikhail Bakunin]], ''Program and Object of the Secret Revolutionary Organisation of the International Brotherhood'' (1868) * It is time to apply to the mystique of revolution the same critical [[intelligence]] that has been applied to the mystique of war. ** [[Giovanni Baldelli]], ''Social Anarchism'' (1971) * Everything is being televised so you won't be able to tell where the Revolution is. ''"Who's revolting? Well, I don't know, what's on the other channel?"'' ** [[Maria Bamford]], [[w:Nerdist#Nerdist_Podcast|''Nerdist'' podcast]], [http://www.nerdist.com/2010/07/nerdist-podcast-25-maria-bamford/ episode #25], July 5, 2012. <!-- @14m02s --> * Morally, it is wrong to suppose the source of [[evil]] is outside oneself, that one is a vessel of holiness running over with virtue. Such a disposition is the best soil for a hateful and cruel [[fanaticism]]. It is as wrong to impute every wickedness to [[Jews]], [[w:Freemansons|Freemansons]], "[[intellectuals]]," as it is to blame all crimes on the ''[[bourgeoisie]]'', the [[nobility]], and the powers that were. No; the root of evil is in me as well, and I must take my share of the responsibility and the blame. That was true before the [[w:Russian revolution|revolution]] and it is true still. ** [[Nikolai Berdyaev]], ''The End of Our Time'' (1919), p. 128 * I realized that the only purpose to revolution is to be able to love who you want, how you want, when you want and where you want. ** [[Dan Bern]], "True Revolutionaries", ''[[w:Smartie Mine|Smartie Mine]]'' (1999) *REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Specifically, in [[History of the United States|American history]], the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were out advanced a full half-inch. Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The [[French Revolution|French revolution]] is of incalculable value to the [[Socialism|Socialist]] of to-day; when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law and order. ** [[Ambrose Bierce]], ''The Devil's Dictionary'' (1911). * We are all concerned with the revolutionary problem of how and what to produce, but nobody points out that producing is a revolutionary problem. If [[production]] is at the root of [[Capitalism|capitalist]] exploitation, to change the [[mode of production]] would merely change the mode of exploitation. ** [[Alfredo M. Bonanno]], ''Armed Joy'' (1977) * By abolishing the ethic of production you enter revolutionary reality directly. ** [[Alfredo M. Bonanno]], ''Armed Joy'' (1977) * A revolution is an idea which has found its bayonets. **[[Napoleon Bonaparte]]. Journal of International Affairs, By Columbia University. School of International Affairs, 1976, pg 94 * Long overdue is a revolution—a revolution against bosses who control your food, your allowance, and your [[Nightmare|nightmares]]. It would be so easy to step into one of those executive conference rooms—at the end of the long hallway where the corner office overlooks the [[w:Verrazano-Narrows Bridge|Verrazano Bridge]]—and gun down the corporate board of directors—just shoot them in the head—it would be a crime for humanity and a cry for justice. ** [[Giannina Braschi]]. "United States of Banana" (2011). p. 21 *We cannot wait for the world to turn, for times to change that we might change with them, for the revolution to come and carry us around in its new course. We ourselves are the future. We are the revolution. **[https://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/explorations/teachers/view/146/beatrice-bruteau Beatrice Bruteau] quoted by [[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|Marilyn Ferguson in ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'', Chapter 1]] (1980) * A time ''will'' come when the people will understand their [[power]] and the [[pigs]]' [[Machine|machinery]] will be unable to accommodate their demands. That is when the people, [[black people]] and poor [[white people]] and oppressed people all over [[United States|America]] will rise up like mighty tide and clean this beachfront of [[capitalism]] and [[Racism in the United States|racism]], and ''make'' the revolution. **[[Elaine Brown]], ''A Taste of Power: A Black Woman's Story'' (1992) *Hardly anyone expected the American uprising (revolution) to succeed. Thousands of colonists emigrated to [[Canada]] or hid in the woods, certain that the king's armies would tear the colonial regiments to shreds. Nor did a majority of the people support the struggle for [[independence]], even in theory. [[Historian|Historians]] estimate that one-third favored independence, one-third favored retaining [[British Empire|British]] ties, and one-third were indifferent. **[[W:James MacGregor Burns|James MacGregor Burns]] quoted by [[Marilyn Ferguson]] in ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'', Chapter 5 (1980) ==C== * The first duty of [[society]] is to give each of its members the possibility of fulfilling his [[destiny]]. When it becomes incapable of performing this duty it must be transformed. ** [[Alexis Carrel]], ''Reflections on Life'' * Revolution: Political movement which gets many people´s hopes up, let´s even more people down, makes almost everybody uncomfortable, and a few, extraordinarily rich. It is widely held in high regard. ** [[Adolfo Bioy Casares]], ''Descanso de caminantes'' (2001) * A revolution is not a trail of roses.… A revolution is a fight to the death between the future and the past. ** [[Fidel Castro]], [http://www.cuba.cu/gobierno/discursos/1961/esp/f020161e.html Speech on the second anniversary of the triumph of the revolution (January 2, 1961)] * The death of a fighter is not a reason to mourn, if we believe, as we have always believed, as our people have believed and as revolutionaries of every era have believed, that no true man, no true revolutionary dies in vain. ** [[Fidel Castro]], [http://www.cuba.cu/gobierno/discursos/1968/esp/f120168e.html Speech (12 January 1968)] * There are seasons, in human affairs, of inward and outward revolution, when new depths seem to be broken up in the soul, when new wants are unfolded in multitudes, and a new and undefined good is thirsted for. There are periods when...''to dare,'' is the highest wisdom. ** [[William Ellery Channing]], ''The Union'' (1829) * An oppressed people are authorized, whenever they can, to rise and break their fetters. ** [[Henry Clay]], [http://www.bartleby.com/268/9/5.html Speech on the Emancipation of South America], House of Representatives (24 March 1818); ''The Life and Speeches of the Hon. Henry Clay,'' vol. I (1857), ed. Daniel Mallory ==D== *The only way forward is to bring on a Revolution of Compassion which will breathe new life into [[democracy]] by extending [[solidarity]]. *To bring on a Revolution of Compassion requires awareness. ** [[Dalai Lama|The Dalai Lama]] and [[w:Sofia Stril-Rever|Sofia Stril-Rever]] in [https://www.google.co.uk/books/edition/A_Call_for_Revolution/YJI7DwAAQBAJ?hl=en&gbpv=1&dq=PT24&printsec=frontcover ''A Call for Revolution: An appeal to the young people of the world''] (Rider (UK), William Morrow (US), 2018), p. 48 ** The page reference is for the UK edition; the US edition has different pagination. * Revolution is a city flower; it does not flourish in the country. ** [[Robertson Davies]], ''Murther and Walking Spirits'' (1991), part II, section 19 *The call to [[w:defund the police|defund the police]] is, I think, an abolitionist demand, but it reflects only one aspect of the process represented by the demand. Defunding the police is not simply about withdrawing funding for law enforcement and doing nothing else. And it appears as if this is the rather [[superficial]] understanding that has caused Biden to move in the direction he’s moving in. <BR> It’s about shifting public funds to new services and new institutions — [[mental health]] [[counselor|counselors]], who can respond to people who are in crisis without arms. It’s about shifting funding to [[education]], to [[housing]], to [[recreation]]. All of these things help to create [[security]] and [[safety]]. It’s about learning that safety, safeguarded by violence, is not really safety<BR>And I would say that abolition is not primarily a negative strategy. It’s not primarily about dismantling, getting rid of, but it’s about reenvisioning. It’s about building anew... And one sees in these abolitionist demands that are emerging the pivotal influence of [[feminist]] theories and practices... Abolition is really about rethinking the kind of future we want, the social future, the economic future, the political future. It’s about revolution, I would argue. **[[Angela Davis]], in [https://www.democracynow.org/2020/6/12/angela_davis_on_abolition_calls_to Angela Davis on Abolition, Calls to Defund Police, Toppled Racist Statues & Voting in 2020 Election, ''Democracy Now,''] (12 June 2020) * The reason i am a [[Communism|communist]] is because I believe in a total revolution which is going to overthrow the capitalist control of the economy, which will seize the wealth from all of the giant corporations that exploit and control the lives of all working people. ** [[Angela Y. Davis]], from an [https://www.facebook.com/Redfishstream/videos/184844339473961/ interview]. * When you talk about a revolution, most people think [[violence]]; without realizing that the real content of any kind of revolutionary thrust lies in the principles and the goals that you're striving for - not in the way that you reach them. On the other hand, because of the way this society is organized; because of the violence that exists on the surface everywhere - you'd have to expect that there are going to be such explosions. You have to expect things like that as reactions. ** [[Angela Y. Davis]], from [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1592527/characters/nm0204171 The Black Power Mixtape 1967-1975]. * The older and wiser heads of the world have always described revolution and love to us as the two most foolish and loathsome of human activities. Before the war, even during the war, we were convinced of it. Since the defeat, however, we no longer trust the older and wiser heads and have come to feel that the opposite of whatever they say is the real truth about life. Revolution and love are in fact the best, most pleasurable things in the world, and we realize it is precisely because they are so good that the older and wiser heads have spitefully fobbed off on us their sour grapes of a lie. This I want to believe implicitly: Man was born for love and revolution. ** [[Osamu Dazai]], ''[[:w:The Setting Sun|The Setting Sun]]'' (1947) * In order for the universe of revolutionary values to arise, a subjective [[Revolutionary movement|movement]] must create them in revolt and hope. ** [[Simone de Beauvoir]], {{cite book |title={{w|The Ethics of Ambiguity}} |date=1948 |publisher=Philosophical Library |isbn=978-0-8065-0160-4| page=19}} * As the peoples always move,—as Life, which is greater than the peoples, always moves. And the business of the revolutionist, the Seeker for the Changes of Old Forms, the dreamer of Liberty and Plenty, is to be with them in their struggle, in their victory, in their defeat, whenever, wherever, the people rise. ** [[Voltairine de Cleyre]], ''[https://theanarchistlibrary.org/library/voltairine-de-cleyre-the-mexican-revolt?v=1707879518 The Mexican Revolt]'', ''Mother Earth'' 6 no. 6 (August 1911): 167-171 * [[Left-wing politics|Leftists]] really fear the bloody violence of revolution, and hence they focus on displacing [[anger]] into safer procedural, [[Consumerism|consumerist]], and aesthetic channels. As {{w|Peter Hallward}} emphasizes, the legacy of anti-{{w|Jacobin (politics)|Jacobinism}} is a preference for the condemnation of some kinds of violence but not others: leftists join democrats, liberals, and conservatives in denouncing the {{w|Reign of Terror|revolutionary Terror}} while they virtually ignore the "far more bloody {{w|Paris Commune#"Bloody Week"|repression of the 1871 Commune}}." Even those who see themselves as part of some open and varied constellation of the Left condemn the violence of the people against those who would oppress them. State violence and the force of {{w|Counter-revolutionary|counterrevolution}} is taken for granted, assumed, cloaked in a prior legitimacy or presumed to be justified in the interest of order. ** [[Jodi Dean]], ''The Communist Horizon'' (2012), pp. 58-59 * The most heroic word in all languages is REVOLUTION. ** [[Eugene V. Debs]], [http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1907/revolution.htm "Revolution" in ''New York Worker'' (27 April 1907)] * Capitalism's class and national {{w|Exploitation of labour|exploitation}} and oppression have ensured that revolutions have threatened it from the start, not just since 1917, when {{w|Revolutions of 1917–1923|popular revolutions}}, at once [[socialist]] and {{w|anti-imperialist}}, began the long, still ongoing process of ushering it out of the history of one country after another. Such revolutionary threats early on made counter-revolution a major preoccupation of capitalist states. From its beginnings, capitalism has faced populations resisting {{w|proletarianization}} in its homelands and imperial subordination outside them. ** Radhika Desai, ''[https://www.taylorfrancis.com/chapters/oa-mono/10.4324/9781003200000-3/ Capitalism, Coronavirus and War: A Geopolitical Economy]''. {{w|Routledge}}. 2022. pp. 58-59 {{ISBN|9781032059501}} * This means we must subject the machine—[[technology]]—to control and cease despoiling the earth and filling people with goodies merely to make money. The search of the young today is more specific than the ancient search for the [[Holy Grail|Holy Grai]]<nowiki/>l. The search of the youth today is for ways and means to make the machine—and the vast [[bureaucracy]] of the [[Corporations|corporation]] state and of government that runs that machine—the servant of man.<br><br>That is the revolution that is coming.<br><br>That revolution—now that the people hold the residual powers of government—need not be a repetition of 1776. It could be a revolution in the nature of an explosive political regeneration. It depends on how wise the Establishment is. If, with its stockpile of arms, it resolves to suppress the dissenters, America will face, I fear, an awful ordeal. ** [[William O. Douglas]], ''Points of Rebellion'' (1970), p. 96–97 * We must realize that today's Establishment is the new [[George III of the United Kingdom|George III]]. Whether it will continue to adhere to his tactics, we do not know. If it does, the redress, honored in tradition, is also revolution. ** [[William O. Douglas]], ''Points of Rebellion'' (1970), p. 95 * '''The only real revolution is in the [[Enlightenment (spiritual)|enlightenment]] of the mind and the improvement of character, the only real [[emancipation]] is individual, and the only real revolutionaries are [[Philosophy|philosophers]] and [[saints]].''' ** [[Will Durant]], ''[[w:The Lessons of History|The Lessons of History]]'' (1968)‎, p. 72 (co-authored with [[w:Ariel Durant|Ariel Durant]]) * The two great conceptual revolutions of [[20th century|twentieth-century]] [[science]], the overturning of [[Classical mechanics|classical physics]] by [[Werner Heisenberg]] and the overturning of the [[foundations of mathematics]] by [[Kurt Gödel]], occurred within six years of each other within the narrow boundaries of [[German language|German]]-speaking [[Europe]]. ...A study of the historical background of German intellectual life in the 1920s reveals strong links between them. [[Physics|Physicists]] and [[mathematicians]] were exposed simultaneously to external influences that pushed them along parallel paths. ...Two people who came early and strongly under the influence of [[Oswald Spengler|Spengler's]] philosophy were the mathematician [[Hermann Weyl]] and the physicist [[Erwin Schrödinger]]. ...Weyle and Schrödinger agreed with Spengler that the coming revolution would sweep away the principle of physical [[causality]]. The erstwhile revolutionaries [[David Hilbert]] and [[Albert Einstein]] found themselves in the unaccustomed role of defenders of the status quo, Hilbert defending the primacy of [[formal logic]] in the foundations of [[mathematics]], Einstein defending the primacy of causality in physics. In the short run, Hilbert and Einstein were defeated and the Spenglerian ideology of revolution triumphed, both in physics and in mathematics. Heisenberg discovered the true limits of causality in atomic processes, and Gödel discovered the limits of formal deduction and proof in [[mathematics]]. And, '''as often happens in the history of intellectual revolutions, the achievement of revolutionary goals destroyed the revolutionary ideology that gave them birth.''' The visions of Spengler, having served their purpose, rapidly became irrelevant. ** [[Freeman Dyson]], ''The Scientist As Rebel'' (2006) ==E== * Every revolution was first a thought in one man's mind; and when the same thought occurs to another man, it is the key to that era. ** [[Ralph Waldo Emerson]], ''Essays: First Series'', 1841 * Every change in the social order, every revolution in [[property]] relations, is the necessary [[consequence]] of the [[creation]] of new {{w|forces of production}} which no longer fit into the old property relations. ** [[Friedrich Engels]], ''{{w|Principles of Communism}}'' (1847) [https://www.marxists.org/archive/marx/works/1847/11/prin-com.htm] ==F== * The colonized subject thus discovers that his life, his breathing and his heartbeats are the same as the colonist's. He discovers that the skin of a colonist is not worth more than the "native's." In other words, his world receives a fundamental jolt. The colonized's revolutionary new assurance stems from this. If, in fact, my life is worth as much as the colonist's, his look can no longer strike fear into me or nail me to the spot and his voice can no longer petrify me. I am no longer uneasy in his presence. In reality, to hell with him. Not only does his presence no longer bother me, but I am already preparing to waylay him in such a way that soon he will have no other solution but to flee. **[[Frantz Fanon]], ''The Wretched of the Earth'' (1963), p. 10' *The crises of our time, it becomes increasingly clear, are the necessary impetus for the revolution now under way. And once we understand [[Nature|nature's]] [[Transformation|transformative]] powers, we see that it is our powerful ally, not a force to be feared or subdued. Our [[w:pathology|pathology]] is our opportunity. <BR>A leaderless but powerful network is working to bring about radical change in the [[United States]]. Its members have broken with certain key elements of Western thought, and they may even have broken continuity with history. This network is the Aquarian Conspiracy. It is a conspiracy without a political doctrine. Without a manifesto. With conspirators who seek power only to disperse it, and whose strategies are pragmatic, even scientific, but whose perspective sounds so mystical that they hesitate to discuss it. Activists asking different kinds of questions, challenging the establishment from within. Broader than reform, deeper than revolution, this benign conspiracy for a new human agenda has triggered the most rapid cultural realignment in history. **[[Marilyn_Ferguson#The_Aquarian_Conspiracy_(1980)|Marilyn Ferguson in ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'', Chapter 1]] (1980) *The revolution was in the minds of the people. This radical change in the principles, opinions, sentiments, and affections of the people was the real [[American Revolution]]. Long before the first shot is fired, the revolution begins. Long after truce is declared, it continues to overturn lives... <BR>Although it is rarely noted in histories of the American Revolution, many of the arch-Revolutionaries came from a tradition of mystical fraternity. Except for such traces as the symbols on the reverse side of the Great Seal and the dollar bill, little evidence remains of this esoteric influence ([[w:Rosicrucian|Rosicrucian]], [[Masonic]], and [[w:Hermeticism|Hermetic]]). That sense of fraternity and spiritual chisement played an important role in the intensity of the Revolutionaries and their commitment to the realization of a [[democracy]]...<BR>''A New Order of the Ages Begins'', says the reverse side of [[w:Great Seal of the United States|the Great Seal]], and the Revolutionaries meant it. The American experiment was consciously conceived as a momentous step in the evolution of the species. ''The cause of America is in great measure the cause of all mankind,'' [[Thomas Paine]] said in his inflammatory pamphlet [[Thomas_Paine#Common_Sense_(1776)|Common Sense]] (1776). **[[Marilyn Ferguson]] in ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'', Chapter 5, The American Matrix for Transformation (1980) *[[Jean-François Revel]] ...described the [[United States]] as the most eligible prototype nation for [[w:World revolution|world revolution]]. Real revolutionary activity, he noted, consists of transforming [[reality]], that is, in making reality conform more closely to one's ideal. When we speak of "revolution" we must necessarily speak of something that cannot be conceived or understood within the context of old ideas. The stuff of revolution, and its first success, must be the ability to innovate. In that sense, there is more revolutionary spirit in the United States today, even on the Right, than elsewhere on the Left. <BR> The relative freedom in the United States would make it possible for such a revolution to occur bloodlessly, Revel said. If that happened, and if one political civilization were exchanged for another, as seemed to be happening, the impact might be felt worldwide by osmosis. This radical transformation would need the simultaneous occurrence of smaller revolutions—in politics, society, international and interracial relations, cultural values, and technology and science. **[[Marilyn Ferguson]] in ''The Aquarian Conspiracy'', Chapter 5 (1980) * The successful revolutionary is a [[Statesmanship|statesman]], the unsuccessful one a [[Crime|criminal]]. ** [[Erich Fromm]] ''Escape from Freedom'', 1941 * [[Socialism]] seeks to change society for the sake of the oppressed masses, but is what it would accomplish truly for their welfare? Socialism would create a social upheaval “for the masses,” and the masses would stake their lives in the struggle together with those who had risen up on their behalf. But what would the ensuing change mean for them? Power would be in the hands of the leaders, and the order of the new society would be based on that power. The masses would become slaves allover again to that power. What is revolution, then, but the replacing of one power with another? ** [[Kaneko Fumiko]], {{cite book |title=The Prison Memoirs of a Japanese Woman |date=1991 |publisher=M.E. Sharpe |isbn=978-0-87332-801-2 |pages=236-237}} Translated by Jean Inglis ==G== * A non-violent revolution is not a program of seizure of power. It is a program of transformation of relationships, ending in a [[w:peaceful transfer of power|peaceful transfer of power]]. ** [[Mohandas K. Gandhi]], ''Non-violence in Peace and War'', 1948 *[W]hat is happening is what left-wing revolutions do tend to produce, whether they’re talking about the [[Russian Revolution]] or the French Revolution, and that is [[students]] – the next generation of revolutionaries – become not only more radical than their radical [[Teachers|professors]], but they turn on them so the revolution tends to consume its own. So now people who think of themselves of impeccably left-wing will say something that offends some group of radicalized students – perhaps students that they themselves helped to radicalize – and suddenly they are the ones under fire for not conforming sufficiently to the contemporary orthodoxy. **[[Robert P. George]], [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/video/robert-p-george/ interview with Bill Kristol] (April 2016), [http://conversationswithbillkristol.org/transcript/robert-george-transcript/ transcript] * Rebellion without [[truth]] is like spring in a bleak, arid [[desert]]. ** [[Kahlil Gibran]], ''The Vision'' * … it typically takes three kinds of people to make a successful national revolution, the philosophers who explain why it is necessary, the firebrands who lead the people to make it possible, and the members of the ancien regime who recognize the justice of the pursuit of revolutionary goals and make their institutionalization possible.<br>Not surprisingly, in the US and almost all other cases, the philosophers and the firebrands get the better press at least initially. Their stories are more unambiguous and easier to tell, and they dominate the initial histories of the revolution. But over time, it becomes obvious that it is often officials who rose in the old regime but changed sides who are the more important. ** {{w|Paul A. Goble}}, [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2025/01/arnold-ruutel-washington-for-estonia.html "Arnold Rüütel, ‘a Washington for Estonia,’ Dead at Age of 96"], ''Window on Eurasia'' (January 1, 2025) * A great revolution is never the fault of the people, but of the government. ** [[Goethe]], ''Conversations with Goethe'', 1824 * No real [[social change]] has ever come about without a revolution. People are either not familiar with their history, or they have not yet learned that revolution is but thought carried into action. ** [[Emma Goldman]], ''{{w|Anarchism and Other Essays}}'', [[:wikisource:Anarchism and Other Essays/1|Anarchism: What It Really Stands For]], 1910, ''Mother Earth Publishing'' * The revolution is not an [[Apples|apple]] that falls when it is ripe. You have to make it drop. **[[Che Guevara]]. "Che Guevara: Revolutionary & Icon", by Trisha Ziff, Abrams Image, 2006, p. 69 * In a revolution, one triumphs or dies (if it is a true revolution). ** [[Che Guevara]], letter to [[Fidel Castro]], 1965 * At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality. Perhaps it is one of the great dramas of the leader that he or she must combine a passionate spirit with a cold intelligence and make painful decisions without flinching. Our vanguard revolutionaries must idealize this love of the people, of the most sacred causes, and make it one and indivisible. They cannot descend, with small doses of daily affection, to the level where ordinary people put their love into practice.<br> The leaders of the revolution have children just beginning to talk, who are not learning to call their fathers by name; wives, from whom they have to be separated as part of the general sacrifice of their lives to bring the revolution to its fulfilment; the circle of their friends is limited strictly to the number of fellow revolutionists. There is no life outside of the revolution.<br>In these circumstances one must have a great deal of humanity and a strong sense of justice and truth in order not to fall into extreme dogmatism and cold scholasticism, into isolation from the masses. We must strive every day so that this love of living humanity will be transformed into actual deeds, into acts that serve as examples, as a moving force. ** Excerpts from the two paragraphs above have sometimes been quoted in abbreviated form: '''At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love. It is impossible to think of a genuine revolutionary lacking this quality... We must strive every day so that this love of living humanity will be transformed into actual deeds, into acts that serve as examples, as a moving force.''' ** Variant translation: One must have a large dose of humanity, a large dose of a sense of justice and truth in order to avoid dogmatic extremes, cold scholasticism, or an isolation from the masses. We must strive every day so that this love of living humanity is transformed into actual deeds, into acts that serve as examples, as a moving force. ** [[Che Guevara]], ''Man and Socialism in Cuba (1965)'', A letter to Carlos Quijano, editor of ''Marcha'' a radical weekly published in Montevideo, Uruguay; published as "From Algiers, for ''Marcha'' : The Cuban Revolution Today" (12 March 1965); also published in ''Verde Olivo'', the magazine of the Cuban armed forces [http://www.marxists.org/archive/guevara/1965/03/man-socialism.htm "Socialism and Man in Cuba"] - [http://www.marxists.org/archive/guevara/1965/03/man-socialism-alt.htm Variant translation by Margarita Zimmermann] ==H== * '''[[Revolutions]] are, by definition unpredictable. A predictable revolution never erupts.''' ** [[Yuval Noah Harari]], Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind (2011), Chapter 13: "The Secret of Success" *We have to acknowledge that the [[empire]] is tottering towards its collapse... What empires traditionally do at the end is they engage in what historians call "[[w:micro-militarism|micro-militarism]]".... At the end stage, the elites need the tools that the [[empire]] perfected on [[Person of color|people of color]] abroad... the drones and militarized police and heavy weapons such as armored personnel carriers being used.... against the country's own [[Citizenship|citizens]]. *'''As [[Aristotle]] said, once you have [[Oligarchy|oligarchic]] rule, there are only two choices. It is [[revolution]] or [[tyranny]], and that's it. I'm not naive enough to tell you the revolution is going to win, but I'm going to tell you that if it doesn't win then there will be a very ugly corporate tyranny in the United States.''' **[[Chris Hedges]], [https://www.salon.com/2020/07/16/chris-hedges-america-faces-a-historic-choice--ugly-corporate-tyranny-or-revolution'''/ Chris Hedges: America faces a historic choice — "ugly corporate tyranny" or revolution''', Chuncey Devega, ''Salon''] (16 July 2020) * State authority can never be an end in itself; for, if that were so, any kind of [[tyranny]] would be inviolable and sacred. '''If a government uses the instruments of power in its hands for the purpose of leading a people to ruin, then rebellion is not only the right but also the duty of every individual [[Citizenship|citizen]].''' ** [[Adolf Hitler]], ''[[Mein Kampf]]'' * '''Revolution is an art that I pursue rather than a goal I expect to achieve. Nor is this a source of dismay; a lost cause can be as spiritually satisfying as a victory.''' ** [[Robert A. Heinlein]], ''The Moon Is a Harsh Mistress'' (1966) * '''When [[Hope|hopes]] and [[dreams]] are loose in the street, it is well for the timid to lock [[Door|doors]], shutter [[Window|windows]] and lie low until the wrath has passed.''' ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The True Believer'', 1951 * We used to think that revolutions are the cause of [[change]]. '''Actually it is the other way around: change prepares the ground for revolution.''' ** [[Eric Hoffer]], ''The Temper of Our Time'', 1967 * The first duty of a revolutionist is to get away with it. The second duty is to eat [[breakfast]]. I ain't going. ** [[Abbie Hoffman]], spoken to police immediately prior to his 1968 arrest in Chicago; quoted in Marty Jezer's biography of him, "Abbie Hoffman: American Rebel" * The notion of capturing positions of power, whether it be governmental power or more dispersed positions of power in society, misses the point that the aim of the revolution is to dissolve relations of power, to create a society based on the mutual recognition of people's dignity. What has failed is the notion that revolution means capturing power in order to abolish power. What is now on the agenda is the much more demanding notion of a direct attack on power relations. The only way in which revolution can now be imagined is not as the conquest of power but as the dissolution of power. ** [[John Holloway (sociologist)|John Holloway]], ''Change the World Without Taking Power'' (2002) * The wind of revolutions is not tractable. ** [[Victor Hugo]], ''[[Les Misérables]]'' * Would you realize what Revolution is, call it [[Progress]]; and would you realize what Progress is, call it [[Tomorrow]]. ** [[Victor Hugo]] in ''[[Les Misérables]]'', Vol. II : Cosette, Book I : Waterloo, Chapter XVII : Is Waterloo to be considered Good? ==I== * One should never put on one's best trousers to go out to battle for [[freedom]] and [[truth]]. ** [[Henrik Ibsen]], ''[[An Enemy of the People]]'', 1882 *History does not relate any true revolution which came from power. All began with [[education]] and meant in essence a moral summons. **[[Alija Izetbegović]], ''[[w:The Islamic Declaration|The Islamic Declaration]]'' (1970), p. 53. ==J== * Revolutionary change means the seizure of all that is held by the 1 percent, and the transference of these holdings into the hands of the remaining 99 percent. If the 1 percent are simply replaced by another 1 percent, revolutionary change has not taken place. ** [[George Jackson (activist)|George L. Jackson]], ''Blood in My Eye'' (1971), p. 9 *The tree of [[liberty]] must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of [[Patriotism|patriots]] and tyrants. It is its natural manure. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], [http://odur.let.rug.nl/~usa/P/tj3/writings/brf/jefl64.htm Letter] to [[w:William Stephens Smith|William Stephens Smith]] (13 November 1787), quoted in Padover's ''Jefferson On Democracy'' * If this avenue &#91;of democratic [[political revolution]]&#93; be shut to the call of sufferance, it will make itself heard through that of force, and we shall go on, as other nations are doing, in the endless circle of oppression, rebellion, reformation. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], quoted in ''The American Revolution of 1800: How Thomas Jefferson Rescued Democracy from Tyranny and Faction&mdash;And What This Means Today'' by Dan Sisson and Thom Hartmann (2014), p. 215 * The last will be first, and the first will be last. ** [[Jesus]], in [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 20:16 * For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted. ** [[Jesus]], in [[Gospel of Matthew|Matthew]] 23:12 * ''Proti proudu nemožná plavati.'' ** It is impossible to swim against the current. *** [[w:Alois Jirásek|Alois Jirásek]], ''Filozofská historie'', ch. XI. *Revolution always unforlds inside an atmosphere of rising expectations. **[[June Jordan]] "America in Confrontation with Democracy, or, the Meaning of the Jesse Jackson Campaign" in ''Technical Difficulties'' (1988) ==K== * Perhaps a revolution can overthrow autocratic [[despotism]] and profiteering or power-grabbing [[oppression]], but it can never truly reform a manner of [[Thought|thinking]]; instead, new [[Prejudice|prejudices]], just like the old ones they replace, will serve as a leash for the great unthinking mass. ** [[Immanuel Kant]], ''What Is Enlightenment'' * The warrior generations to which the remilitarisations gave birth in [[w:Algeria|Algeria]], [[China]], [[Vietnam]], and what was once [[Yugoslavia]], are growing old today. The revolutions for which they and millions of unwilling participants paid such a terrible price in blood and anguish have withered at the roots. [[South Vietnam]], the prize of [[Ho Chí Minh|Ho Chi Minh]]’s [[Vietnam War|long war]], has refused to abandon its [[Capitalism|capitalist]] habits. The [[Chinese people|Chinese]] greybeards of the [[w:Long March|Long March]] have preserved the authority of [[Chinese Communist Party|the party]] only by [[Chinese economic reform|conceding economic freedoms wholly at variance with Marxist doctrine]]. In Algeria a sprawling population looks for a solution to economic hardship either in [[Islamic fundamentalism]] or in [[emigration]] to the [[Europe|richer world on the other side of the Mediterranean]]. The peoples of former Yugoslavia whom [[Josip Broz Tito|Tito]] sought to unite by bloodying their lands in a common struggle against the Axis now bloody their hands against each other in a [[Yugoslav Wars|struggle]] reminiscent of nothing so much as the ‘territorial displacement’ [[Anthropology|anthropologists]] identify as the underlying logic of much ‘primitive’ warfare in tribal society. In the borderlands of the dissolved [[Soviet Union]], from which the revolutionaries took their inspiration, a similar pattern discloses itself, as newly independent ‘minorities’ use their freedom from [[Russia|Russian]] control to revive ancient tribal hatreds and to re-fight wars, sometimes within rather than between tribes, which to outsiders appears to have no political point whatsoever. ** [[w:John Keegan|John Keegan]], ''A History of Warfare'' (1994) pp. 54-55 * The great revolution in the history of man, past, present and future, is the revolution of those determined to be free. ** [[John F. Kennedy]]: "[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/?pid=8070 Message to Chairman Khrushchev Concerning the Meaning of Events in Cuba,"] April 18, 1961. Online by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley, The American Presidency Project * Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], ''[http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=9100&st=&st1= Address on the first Anniversary of the Alliance for Progress]'' (March 13, 1962); in ''Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1962'', p. 223 * A great change is at hand, and our task, our obligation, is to make that revolution, that change, peaceful and constructive for all. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], [[s:Civil Rights Message|Civil Rights Address]] (June 11, 1963) * A revolution is coming — a revolution which will be peaceful if we are wise enough; compassionate if we care enough; successful if we are fortunate enough — But a revolution which is coming whether we will it or not. We can affect its character; we cannot alter its inevitability. ** [[Robert Kennedy]], Speech in the United States Senate (9 May 1966) * A Revolution is nothing other than the replacement of one given type of [[Authority]] with another. ** [[Alexandre Kojève]], ''The Notion of Authority'' (2020) [1942], p. 103. * '''The spirit of [[rebellion]] is a spirit of desperation-a desperate rejection of whatever exists, a desperate [[aspiration]] toward some kind of [[utopia]]. ...It is governed by a blind momentum... and its so-called leaders are... its captives, and ultimately its victims. ...The so-called "[[betrayal]]" is... the necessary conclusion... [I]ts impossible intentions are unrealizable... [T]he end result is... a regime which pretends to embody these intentions and... enforces such false [[Pretension|pretention]]s by [[terror]].<br />A revolution... is a... practical exercise in [[political philosophy]]. ...It requires an attentive [[prudence]], a careful calculation of means and ends, a spirit of [[sobriety]]... [A] successful revolution cannot be governed by the spirit of the [[mob]]. ...[I]f ...revolution is not to [[Degeneration|degenerate]] into a rebellion, mob actions must be marginal... [O]nly a [[Self discipline|self-discipline]]d people can... undertake... a revolution. ...[A] successful revolution is best accomplished by a people who do not really want it at all, but find themselves reluctantly making it.''' ** [[Irving Kristol]], "The American Revolution as a Successful Revolution" ''America's Continuing Revolution: An Act of Conservation'' (1973) Distinguished Lecture Series on the Bicentennial, Delivered in St. John's Church on Lafayette Square, Washington, D. C. on October 12, 1973, American Enterprise Institute for Public Policy Research, pp. 10-11. ==L== * You cannot buy the Revolution. You cannot make the Revolution. You can only be the Revolution. It is in your spirit or it is nowhere. ** [[Ursula K. Le Guin]], ''[[The Dispossessed]]'' * ''Ce n'est pas une révolte, c'est une révolution.'' ** It is not a revolt, it is a revolution. ** [[W:François Alexandre Frédéric, duc de la Rochefoucauld-Liancourt|François Alexandre Frédéric]] to {{w|Louis XVI}} (July 14, 1789). Found in Carlyle's ''French Revolution'', Part I, Book V, Chapter VII * Any people anywhere being inclined and having the power have the right to rise up and shake off the existing government, and form a new one that suits them better. This is a most valuable, a most sacred right''' — a right which we hope and believe is to liberate the world'''. Nor is this right confined to cases in which the whole people of an existing government may choose to exercise it. Any portion of such people that can may revolutionize and make their own of so much of the territory as they inhabit. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], [[s:Life_and_Works_of_Abraham_Lincoln/Volume_3/Arraignment_of_President_Polk_for_War_Against_Mexico#128|Speech in the United States House of Representatives]] (January 12, 1848) * This country, with its [[institutions]], belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or exercise their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it. ** [[Abraham Lincoln]], in his [[s:Abraham Lincoln's First Inaugural Address|First Inaugural Address]] (4 March 1861) * Revolution is not a one-time event. It is becoming always vigilant for the smallest opportunity to make a genuine change in established, outgrown responses; for instance, it is learning to address each other’s difference with respect. We share a common interest, survival, and it cannot be pursued in isolation from others simply because their differences make us uncomfortable. We know what it is to be lied to. The [[1960s|60s]] should teach us how important it is not to lie to ourselves. Not to believe that revolution is a one-time event, or something that happens around us rather than inside of us. Not to believe that freedom can belong to any one group of us without the others also being free. How important it is not to allow even our leaders to define us to ourselves, or to define our sources of power to us. ** [[Audre Lorde]], ''Learning from the 60s'', {{cite book |title={{w|Sister Outsider}}: Essays and Speeches |date=1984 |publisher=Crossing Press |isbn=978-0-89594-142-8}} ==M== * '''Men do not lead the revolution; it is the Revolution that uses men.''' ** [[Joseph de Maistre]], ''[[Considerations on France]]'' (1796), Ch. 1 * Revolution is not a dinner party, nor an essay, nor a painting, nor a piece of embroidery; it cannot be advanced softly, gradually, carefully, considerately, respectfully, politely, plainly, and modestly. A revolution is an [[insurrection]], an act of [[violence]] by which [[Class conflict|one class overthrows another]]. **[[Mao Zedong]], as quoted in "Che Guevara: Revolutionary & Icon" (2006) by Trisha Ziff, p. 66 * Revolution entails evolution. ** [[Cindy Milstein]], {{cite book |title=Anarchism and Its Aspirations |date=1 May 2010 |publisher=AK Press |isbn=978-1-84935-029-7 |page=69 |url=https://www.google.com/books/edition/Anarchism_and_Its_Aspirations/FQLRDgAAQBAJ?hl=en-419&gbpv=1&pg=PA69}} * Democracy finds its radical edge in the great revolutions of the past. ** [[Cindy Milstein]], {{cite book |title=Anarchism and Its Aspirations |date=1 May 2010 |publisher=AK Press |isbn=978-1-84935-029-7 |page=102 |url=https://www.google.com/books/edition/Anarchism_and_Its_Aspirations/FQLRDgAAQBAJ?hl=en-419&gbpv=1&pg=PA102}} *Revolutions are usually a matter of people picking up the power of a state in disintegration, a government that has lost the will to enforce its laws. **[[Brian Reynolds Myers]], [http://freekorea.us/2017/08/01/propaganda-in-the-age-of-kim-jong-un-a-discussion-with-professor-b-r-myers/#sthash.eScL76im.dpbs interview with Joshua Stanton] (August 2017), ''One Free Korea'' ==N== * The first lesson a revolutionary must learn is that he is a doomed man. Unless he understands this, he does not grasp the essential meaning of his life. ** [[w:Huey Newton|Huey Newton]], ''Revolutionary Suicide'' (1973) * I have no doubt that the revolution will triumph. The people of the world will prevail, seize power, seize the [[means of production]], wipe out [[racism]], capitalism. ** [[Huey Newton]], ''[[w:Revolutionary Suicide|Revolutionary Suicide]]'' (1973), p. 4 * '''[[Robert Oppenheimer|J. Robert Oppenheimer]]''': [[wikipedia:Ernest_Lawrence|[Ernest] Lawrence]], you embrace the revolution in [[physics]], can’t you see it everywhere else? [[Pablo Picasso|Picasso]], [[Igor Stravinsky|Stravinsky]], [[Sigmund Freud|Freud]], [[Karl Marx|Marx]]... ** ''[[Oppenheimer (film)|Oppenheimer]]'', written and directed by [[Christopher Nolan]], as interpreted by [[Cillian Murphy]] ==O== *True [[love]] is radical because it requires us to see ourselves in all people. Otherwise, it isn’t love. Love is revolutionary because it has us treat ALL people as we would ourselves - not because we are charitable, but because we are one. That is love’s radical conclusion. ** [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez]] * The real division is not between conservatives and revolutionaries but between [[Authoritarianism|authoritarians]] and [[Libertarianism|libertarians]]. ** [[George Orwell]], in a letter to Malcolm Muggeridge (4 December 1948), published in ''Malcolm Muggeridge : A Life'' (1980) by Ian Hunter ==P== * [[Passivity]] while slavery is stealing over us is a crime. For the moment we must forget that was are anarchists-when the work is accomplished we may forget that we were revolutionists-hence most [[Anarchism|anarchists]] believe the coming change can only come through a revolution, because the possessing class will not allow a peaceful change to take place; still we are willing to work for [[peace]] at any price, except at the price of [[liberty]]. ** [[Lucy Parsons]], ''[http://web.archive.org/web/20030626013810/http://www.tao.ca/~lucyparsons/ThePrinciplesofAnarchism.html The Principles of Anarchism]'', lecture printed without date of publication sometime in the 1890s * Everywhere revolutions are painful yet fruitful gestations of a people: they shed blood but create light, they eliminate men but elaborate ideas. ** [[w:Manuel Gonzalez Prada|Manuel Gonzalez Prada]], ''Horas de lucha'' (1908) *Even more problematic is the insistence logically stemming from the presumption of social [[corruption]] that all individual problems, no matter how rare, must be solved by cultural restructuring, no matter how [[Radicalism|radical]]. Our society faces the increasing call to deconstruct its stabilizing traditions to include smaller and smaller numbers of people who do not or will not fit into the categories upon which even our perceptions are based. This is not a good thing. Each person’s private trouble cannot be solved by a social revolution, because revolutions are destabilizing and dangerous. We have learned to live together and organize our complex societies slowly and incrementally, over vast stretches of time, and we do not understand with sufficient exactitude why what we are doing works. Thus, altering our ways of social being carelessly in the name of some ideological shibboleth ([[diversity]] springs to mind) is likely to produce far more trouble than good, given the suffering that even small revolutions generally produce. **[[Jordan Peterson]], ''12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos'' (2018) * Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a [[dictatorship]] in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of [[persecution]] is persecution. The object of [[torture]] is torture. The object of power is power. ** [[George Orwell]], in ''1984'' ==R== * There is a revolution coming. It will not be like revolutions of the past. It will originate with the [[Individuality|individual]] and with [[culture]], and it will change the political structure only as its final act. It will not require violence to succeed, and it cannot be successfully resisted by violence. It is now spreading with amazing rapidity, and already our laws, institutions and social structure are changing in consequence. It promises a higher reason, a more human community, and a new and liberated individual. Its ultimate creation will be a new and enduring wholeness and beauty — a renewed relationship of man to himself, to other men, to society, to nature, and to the land. <br> '''This is the revolution of the new [[generation]].''' ** [[Charles A. Reich]], in ''{{w|The Greening of America}}'' (1970), Chapter I : The Coming American Revolution, p. 4 * Revolution is the most dramatic appearance of a [[w:Political consciousness|conscious]] people or [[Class consciousness|class]] on the stage of history. ** [[Walter Rodney]], {{cite book |title={{w|How Europe Underdeveloped Africa}} |date=1972 |publisher=Howard University Press |isbn=978-0-9501546-4-0 |page=125}} * A revolution is sometimes necessary, but if revolutions become habitual the country in which they take place is going down-hill. ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''The Strenuous Life: Essays and Addresses'', (1910) **Peoples once accustomed to masters are not in a condition to do without them. If they attempt to shake off the yoke they still more estrange themselves from freedom, as by mistaking for it an unbridled license to which it is diametrically opposed, they nearly always manage, by their revolutions, to hand themselves over to seducers, who only make their chains heavier than before. **[[Jean-Jacques Rousseau]], ''Discourse on the Origin of Inequality'' ==S== * Today, when the country is stifling in the clutches of economic disruption and war, and the vultures of counter-revolution are plotting its doom, the revolution must find the strength and the means to save it from crumbling and disintegrating. ** [[Joseph Stalin]], ''We Demand'' (1917) * The Revolution will not be televised. The Revolution will be no rerun, brothers. The Revolution — will be ''live''. ** [[Gil Scott-Heron]], ''[[w:The Revolution Will Not Be Televised|The Revolution Will Not Be Televised]]'' (1971) * O God! that one might read the book of fate,<br>And see the revolutions of the times<br>Make mountains level, and the continent<br>Weary of solid firmness, melt itself<br>Into the sea! ** [[William Shakespeare]], [[Henry IV, Part 2|''Henry IV'', Part II]] (c. 1597-99), Act III, scene 1, line 45 *We never talked about men or clothes or inconsequential things we got together. It was always [[Marx]], [[Lenin]] and revolution - real girls' talk. **[[Nina Simone]], as quoted in ''[https://books.google.it/books?id=3TTVAAAAQBAJ&pg=PA154&dq=we+never+talked+about+men+or+clothes+or+other+such+inconsequential+things&hl=it&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjN9Li0-_vuAhWKuKQKHYvBAI0Q6AEwAnoECAQQAg#v=onepage&q=we%20never%20talked%20about%20men%20or%20clothes%20or%20other%20such%20inconsequential%20things&f=false Party Music: The Inside Story of the Black Panthers' Band and How Black]'', Rickey Vincent, ISBN {{ISBN|9781613744956}} * Many of the world's troubles are not due just to [[Russia]] or [[communism]]. They would be with us in any event because we live in an era of revolution—the revolution of rising expectations. In [[Asia]], the masses now count for something. Tomorrow, they will count for more. And, for better or for worse, the future belongs to those who understand the hopes and fears of masses in ferment. The new nations want independence, including the inalienable able right to make their own mistakes. The people want respect — and something to eat every day. And they want something better for their children. ** [[Adlai Stevenson]], in the concluding article in a series about his five-month trip around the world, in ''The Papers of Adlai E. Stevenson'' (1974), vol. 5, p. 411; first published in ''Look'' (22 September 1953), p. 46 * I learned three things in Zurich during the war. I wrote them down. Firstly, you're either a revolutionary or you're not, and if you're not you might as well be an artist as anything else. Secondly, if you can't be an artist, you might as well be a revolutionary...I forget the third thing. ** spoken by Henry Carr in [[Tom Stoppard]]'s ''[[Tom_Stoppard#Travesties_(1974)|Travesties]]'' ==T== * ''Seditiosissimus quisque ignavus.'' ** The most seditious is the most cowardly. ** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 34 * One of the many politico-theological abuses of [[The Bible|biblical]] statements is the understanding of [[Paul of Tarsus|Paul]]’s words &#91;[[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]] 13:1-7&#93; as justifying the anti-revolutionary bias of some churches, particularly the [[Lutheran]]. But neither these words nor any other [[New Testament]] statement deals with the methods of gaining political power. In Romans, Paul is addressing [[Eschatology|eschatological]] enthusiasts, not a revolutionary political movement. ** [[Paul Tillich]], ''Systematic Theology'', Volume 3 (1963), p. 389 *'''I am here to demand my [[rights]] and to hurl [[thunderbolts]] at the men who would dare to cross the threshold of my [[Masculinity|manhood]].''' **Henry McNeal Turner, "I Claim the Right of a Man" (1868) * In [[dialectics]], we know everything contains positive and negative attributes. [[Reform]]s can be used to advance Revolution or to forestall Revolution. Dialectics inform us that when the negative dominates the positive in reform it becomes an obstacle on the road to freedom; it must give way to Revolution. ** [[Kwame Ture]], {{cite book |title=[[w:Black Power: The Politics of Liberation|Black Power: Politics of Liberation in America]] |date=10 November 1992 |publisher=Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group |isbn=978-0-679-74313-2 |page=188}} Afterword * Revolutionaries do not take to the path of spilling blood easily. ** [[Kwame Ture]], {{cite book |title=[[w:Black Power: The Politics of Liberation|Black Power: Politics of Liberation in America]] |date=10 November 1992 |publisher=Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group |isbn=978-0-679-74313-2 |page=190}} Afterword ==X== * Anytime you find somebody today who's afraid of the word 'revolution,' get him on out of your way. He's living in the wrong era. ... He hasn't awakened yet. ** [[Malcolm X]], in ''By Any Means Necessary'', p. 21 ==''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations''== :<small>Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 672-73.</small> * Revolutions are not about trifles, but spring from trifles. ** [[Aristotle]], ''Politics'', Book VII, Chapter IV * A reform is a correction of abuses; a revolution is a transfer of power. ** [[Edward Bulwer-Lytton]], speech in the House of Commons, on the Reform Bill (1866) * ''Voulez-vous donc qu'on vous fasse des révolutions à l'eau-rose?'' ** Do you think then that revolutions are made with rose water? ** [[Nicolas Chamfort]], to {{w|Jean-François Marmontel}}, who regretted the excesses of the French Revolution. * ''Je suis le signet qui marque la page où la révolution s'est arrêtée; mais quand je serai mort, elle tournera le feuillet et reprendra sa marche.'' ** I am the signet which marks the page where the revolution has been stopped; but when I die it will turn the page and resume its course. ** [[Napoleon I]], to Count Molé * Revolutions are not made; they come. A revolution is as natural a growth as an oak. It comes out of the past. Its foundations are laid far back. ** [[Wendell Phillips]], speech on public opinion (28 January 1852) * Revolutions never go backward. ** [[Wendell Phillips]], speech on progress (17 February 1861) * I know and all the world knows, that revolutions never go backwards. ** [[William H. Seward]], speech on the "Irrepressible Conflict" (October 1858) == See also == {{col-begin}} {{col-2}} *[[Activism]] * [[American Revolution]] *[[Anonymous (group)]] * [[Civil disobedience]] *[[Diplomacy]] *[[Evolution]] * [[French Revolution]] *[[Integrity]] *[[Justice]] *[[Nineteen Eighty-Four|''Nineteen Eighty-Four'', by George Orwell (1949)]] * [[Nonviolence]] {{col-2}} * [[Nonviolent resistance]] *[[Operating Manual for Spaceship Earth|''Operating Manual for Spaceship Earth'', by Buckminster Fuller, (1969)]] *[[Political revolution]] *[[Proletarian revolution]] *[[Rebellion]] *[[Universal basic income]] *[[Wealth redistribution]] *[[World Peace]] {{col-end}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary|revolution}} {{Social and political philosophy}} [[Category:Themes]] nuxknisgpgp5sq6r2hkgao0mzfsrudc 0 130332 3954365 3930778 2026-06-19T08:55:47Z ~2026-35725-24 3343571 this appears above (duplicate) 3954365 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Mencius.jpg|thumb|A [[great]] [[man]] is he who has not lost the [[heart]] of a [[child]].]] [[File:Half Portraits of the Great Sage and Virtuous Men of Old - Meng Ke (孟軻).jpg|thumb| The way of [[learning]] is none other than finding the lost [[mind]].]] '''[[w: Mencius | Mencius ]]''' [孟子; Mèng Zǐ; Meng Tzu; Zhuyin Fuhao: ㄇㄥˋ ㄗˇ] (372 – 289 BC, or perhaps 385 – 303/302 BC) is one of the most famous [[w:Confucianism|Confucian]] philosophers. {{Philosopher-stub}} == Quotes == * '''If the [[king]] loves [[music]], there is little wrong in the land.''' ** ''Discourses'', as quoted in "I Want to Know!" by Ivan Gogol Esipoff, ''[[w:The Etude|The Etude]]'', Vol. LXIII, No. 9 (September 1945), p. 496 === ''[[w:Mencius (book)|The Mencius]]'' === [[File:Temple of Mencius - P1050874.JPG|thumb|He who exerts his [[mind]] to the utmost [[w:Self-knowledge (psychology)|knows]] his nature.]] * Mencius went to see King Huei of Liang. The king said, "Venerable sir, since you have not counted it far to come here, a distance of a thousand ''li'', may I presume that you are provided with counsels to profit my kingdom?" Mencius replied, "'''Why must your Majesty use that word "[[profit]]"? What I am provided with, are counsels to [[benevolence]] and [[righteousness]], and these are my only topics.'''" ** Book 1, part 1, as translated by [[James Legge]] in ''The Life and Works of Mencius'' (1875), p. 124<!--. Variant translation: *** Once [Mencius] visited a king, and the king asked him, "Old teacher, how can my country profit from your presence?" Mencius immediately replied, "Why do you speak of profit, sire? Isn't there also the sense of mercy and the sense of right?" **** As translated by [[Lin Yutang]] in ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), p. 90--> * '''He who outrages benevolence is called a ruffian: he who outrages righteousness is called a villain.''' I have heard of the cutting off of the villain Chow, but I have not heard of the putting of a ruler to [[death]]. ** 1B:8, In relation to righteousness and the overthrow of the tyrannous [[w:King Zhou of Shang|King Zhou of Shang]], as translated by Sir Robert Kennaway Douglas, ''China'' (1904), p. 8 ** Variant translations: *** The ruffian and the villain we call a mere fellow. I have heard of killing the fellow Chou; I have not heard of killing a king. **** In [[w:Taiwan Review|''Free China Review'']], Vol. 5 (1955) *** I have merely heard of killing a villain Zhou, but I have not heard of murdering the ruler. **** Wing-tsit Chan, in ''A Source Book in Chinese Philosophy'' (1963), p. 78 * Those who are humane achieve glory. Those who are inhumane suffer disgrace. ** 2A:4 [https://scholarworks.iu.edu/iuswrrest/api/core/bitstreams/265d73a0-6bfa-45df-92ff-4e7d3f8be4b1/content] * '''The feeling of [[compassion|commiseration]] is the beginning of [[humanity]]'''; the feeling of shame and dislike is the beginning of righteousness; the feeling of deference and compliance is the beginning of propriety; and the feeling of right or wrong is the beginning of wisdom.<br> Men have these Four Beginnings just as they have their four limbs. '''Having these Four Beginnings, but saying that they cannot develop them is to destroy themselves.''' ** 2A:6, as translated by Wing-tsit Chan in ''A Source Book in Chinese Philosophy'' (1963), p. 65 ** Variant translation: *** The sense of compassion is the beginning of benevolence; the sense of shame the beginning of righteousness; the sense of modesty the beginning of decorum; the sense of right and wrong the beginning of wisdom. Man possesses these four beginnings just as he possesses four limbs. Anyone possessing these four and saying that he can not do what is required of him is abasing himself. **** Yao Dan, translated by Li Ziliang, Li Guoqing and Zhao Feifei, ''Chinese Literature: From 'The Book of Songs' to 'A Dream of Red Mansions<nowiki>'</nowiki>'' (Beijing: China Intercontinental Press, 2006), p. 24 * They who accord with Heaven are preserved, and they who rebel against Heaven perish. ** Book 4, part 1, ch. 7 * 是故誠者，天之道也 ** [[Sincerity]] is the way of [[w:Tian#Confucius|Heaven]] ** Book 4, part 1, 12 * Before a man can do things there must be things he will not do. ** Book 4, part 2, v. 8, as translated by John T. McNeill, ''A History of the Cure of Souls'' (New York: Harper & Bros, 1951), p. 59 ** Translated by D. C. Lau, ''Mencius'', rev. ed. (Penguin Books, 2004), p. 90: *** Only when there are things a man will not do is he capable of doing great things. * 大人者，不失其赤子之心者也 ** '''The [[great]] man is the one who does not lose his [[child]]'s [[heart]].''' ** Book 4, pt. 2, v. 12 ** Translations by [[Lin Yutang]]: *** A great man is one who has not lost the child's heart.<!-- (''The Wisdom of China'')--> *** A great man is he who has not lost the heart of a child.<!-- (''The Importance Of Living'')--> * If you let people follow their [[feelings]], they will be able to do [[good]]. This is what is meant by saying that [[human nature]] is good. ** Book 6, pt. 1, v. 6 [[File:孟庙牌楼.JPG|thumb|The sense of [[mercy]] is found in all [[men]]; the sense of [[right and wrong]] is found in all men.]] * The sense of mercy is found in all men; the sense of shame is found in all men; the sense of respect is found in all men; the sense of right and wrong is found in all men. ** 6A:6 * '''The way of [[learning]] is none other than finding the lost [[mind]].''' ** 6A:11, as translated by Wing-tsit Chan in ''A Source Book in Chinese Philosophy'' (1963), p. 58 * '''He who exerts his mind to the utmost knows his nature.''' ** 7A:1, as translated by Wing-tsit Chan in ''A Source Book in Chinese Philosophy'' (1963), p. 62 * The superior man has three things in which he delights, and to be ruler over the kingdom is not one of them. That his father and mother are both alive, and that the condition of his brothers affords no cause for anxiety;—this is one delight. That, when looking up, he has no occasion for shame before Heaven, and, below, he has no occasion to blush before men;—this is a second delight. That he can get from the whole kingdom the most talented individuals, and teach and nourish them;—this is the third delight. ** 7A:20, as translated by James Legge in ''The Chinese Classics'', Vol. II (1861), p. 335 * 民為貴，社稷次之，君為輕。 ** Most precious are the people; next come the spirits of land and grain; and last, the kings. ** 7B:14. Variant translations: *** The people are the most important element in a nation; the spirits of the land and grain come next; the sovereign counts for the least. *** Of the first importance are the people, next comes the good of land and grains, and of the least importance is the ruler. *** The people are the most important ... and the ruler is the least important. {{disputed begin}} == Attributed == <!-- [[File:Storming the castle (1860 election).jpg|thumb|Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?]] --> * How lamentable is it to neglect the path and not pursue it, to lose the mind and not know to seek it again! When men’s fowls and dogs are lost, they know to seek for them again, but they lose their mind and do not know to seek for it. ** [[Nitobe Inazō]], ''Bushido: The Soul of Japan'', 13th ed. (1908), p. 21 * Benevolence brings under its sway whatever hinders its power, just as water subdues fire: they only doubt the power of water to quench flames who try to extinguish with a cupful a whole burning wagon-load of fagots. ** Nitobe Inazō, ''Bushido: The Soul of Japan'', 13th ed. (1908), pp. 38–39 * The feeling of distress is the root of benevolence, therefore a benevolent man is ever mindful of those who are suffering and in distress. ** Nitobe Inazō, ''Bushido: The Soul of Japan'', 13th ed. (1908), p. 39 === ''Pebbles, Pearls and Gems of the Orient'' (1882) === :<small>Quotes reported in ''Pebbles, Pearls and Gems of the Orient'', ed. Charles D. B. Mills (Boston, MA: George H. Ellis, 1882)</small> * The virtues are not poured into us, they are natural. Seek, and you will find them: neglect, and you will lose them. ** "Uses and Sanctions", no. 22 * The great end of learning is nothing else but to seek for the lost mind. ** "Uses and Sanctions", no. 32 * At forty, I had attained the unperturbed mind. ** "Discipline and Character", no. 41 * A real man is he whose goodness is a part of himself. ** "Discipline and Character", no. 45 * The principles of great men illuminate the universe. ** "Discipline and Character", no. 50 * Never has there been one possessed of complete sincerity who did not move others. Never has there been one who had not sincerity who was able to move others. ** "Discipline and Character", no. 55 * Benevolence is the tranquil habitation of man, and righteousness is his straight path. ** "Justice and Truth", no. 100 * It would be better to be without the [[Book of Documents|Shu-King]] than to believe every word of it. ** "Knowledge and Wisdom", no. 131 · "Celebration and Worship", no. 587 * Tsze-Kung asked Confucius, saying, "Master, are you a sage?" Confucius answered him: "A sage is what I cannot rise to. I learn without satiety, and teach without being tired." Tsze-Kung said: "You learn without satiety: that shows your wisdom. You teach without being tired: that shows your benevolence. Benevolent and wise:— Master, you {{smallcaps|are}} a sage." ** "Humility", no. 139 * The great man is he who does not lose his child-heart. ** "Strength", no. 142 * A man with definite aims to be accomplished may be compared to one digging a well. To dig the well to the depth of seventy-two cubits and stop without reachin the spring is, after all, throwing away the well. ** "Miscellaneous", no. 293 *** Compare: ***: Oh, Soul, remember howe’er small the scope <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; Of thought or action that around thee lies, <br> It is the ''finished'' task alone can ope <br> &nbsp;&nbsp; The gates of paradise. — [[Anonymous|Anon.]] * There are many services, but the service of parents is the root of all others. There are many charges, but charge of one’s self is the root of all others. ** "Miscellaneous", no. 468 {{disputed end}} == Quotes about Mencius == * The most important development of the Confucian School was in the teachings of Mencius (372–289 B.C.). After the death of [[Confucius]], the teachings were divided into two schools, one of [[Xunzi (philosopher)|Hsuntse]] and one of Mencius, the former believing in the wickedness of human nature and the necessity of restraint, and the latter believing in the sheer expansiveness of the good heart of man. Mencius said, "The great man is one who has not lost the heart of a child." He started out from the assumption that man has the innate capacity for good and loves what is good, that it is through corruption that man deteriorates, and that therefore the essence of self-cultivation, of preserving one's moral character, consists merely in "finding the lost heart of the child." This has become the orthodox school. Mencius has been given a place next only to Confucius, and it is common to speak of Confucian doctrines as "the teachings of Kung-Meng," meaning Confucius (''Kung'') and Mencius (''Meng''). ** [[Lin Yutang]], ''From Pagan to Christian'' (1959), Ch. 3: "The Mansion of Confucius", IV. 'Mencius: Finding the Lost Heart', pp. 86–87 == See also == {{Social and political philosophers}} == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat|Mencius}} *[http://plato.stanford.edu/entries/mencius/ Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy entry] *{{gutenberg author| id=Mencius | name=Mencius}} *[http://www.the-philosopher.co.uk/good&evil.htm Article discussing the view of ethics of Mencius from ''The Philosopher''] *[http://www.seeraa.com/china-spirituality/mencius.html Family Background and Life of Mencius] *[http://nothingistic.org/library/mencius English Translation of the ''Mencius'' with comments by James Legge] *[http://ctext.org/mengzi ''Mengzi'' - Chinese text with English translation] *[http://www.acmuller.net/con-dao/mencius.html Mencius (Selections), translated by A. Charles Muller] [[Category:Philosophers from China]] [[Category:Cultural critics]] [[Category:Social critics]] [[Category:Humanists]] [[Category:BCE births]] [[Category:BCE deaths]] fsrdk3q07h5rlc2mcg6dm7a2moiqg13 0 138224 3954277 3951623 2026-06-18T20:48:46Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 3954277 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Scooby-Doo Where Are You! logo.svg|thumb]] '''''Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!''''' is a children's animated TV series about 4 humans and their dog named Scooby-Doo who travel in The Mystery Machine and solve mysteries. == Cast == * Don Messick - Scooby-Doo, Professor Jameson Hyde White, Mr. Wickles * Casey Kasem - Shaggy * [[Frank Welker]] - Fred, Vulture, Charlie, Pink dog, Johnny, Girl dog puppet, * Indira Stefanianna - Daphne, Sharon Wetherby (Season 1) * Heather North - Daphne (Season 2) * [[Nicole Jaffe]] - Velma == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|0063950|Scooby-Doo, Where Are You!}} * [http://www2.warnerbros.com/sd_brand/index.html Official Scooby-Doo Website] {{Scooby-Doo}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:1960s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:ABC animated TV shows]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo TV shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:CBS shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] 8kdco0y8dfqqdj7cq27k57x5lb4jvbi 0 150632 3954201 3941588 2026-06-18T17:14:11Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from India]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954201 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MJ-Ela-Bhatt-October-2013.jpg|right|thumb| Ela Bhatt, the “gentle revolutionist” (2013)]] '''[[w:Ela Bhatt|Ela Ramesh Bhatt]]''' ([[7 September]] [[1933]] – [[2 November]] [[2022]]) was an exemplary [[w:Indian|Indian]] social worker, cooperative organizer, activist and Gandhian. Her legal training and interaction with [[w:Mahatma Gandhi|Gandhi]] influenced her to establish the [[w:Self-Employed Women's Association of India|Self-Employed Women's Association of India]] (SEWA) in 1972. Bhatt was a part of the international labor, cooperative, women, and micro-finance movements. She had won several prestigious national and international awards such as the [[w:Ramon Magsaysay Award|Ramon Magsaysay Award]] (1977), [[w:Right Livelihood Award |Right Livelihood Award]] (1984) and the [[w:Padma Bhushan|Padma Bhushan]] (1986). ==Quotes== *...tribute to her unflinching zeal towards the betterment of women in society. **President of India on conferring the Indira Gandhi Prize for Peace, Disarmament and Development for her for promoting the cause of women relentlessly allowing millions of them to become independent and self reliant through her Self Employed Women’s Association (SEWA).{{cite web|url=http://www.tehelka.com/ela-bhatt-of-sewa-awarded-indira-gandhi-prize-for-promoting-peace/|title=Ela Bhatt of SEWA awarded Indira Gandhi Prize for promoting peace|accessdate=20 December 2013|publisher=Tehelca.com}} *realities of our own countries rather than catching up with the western economic models, [Bhatt urged] the people to follow a principle which ensures six basic necessities- [[food]], [[Building|shelter]], [[clothing]], primary [[education]], primary [[Health care|healthcare]] and primary [[banking]]- are available within a 100 mile distance. If these necessities are locally produced and consumed, we will have the growth of a new holistic economy. **Quoted in in "Ela Bhatt of SEWA awarded Indira Gandhi Prize for promoting peace". *[[Teachers]] do not care…It is not because teachers are badly paid and the teachers are organized but they do not teach. If we don’t respect them it is because we see them doing other business than teaching. **On the low social regard for teachers.{{cite book|last= Ghate||first=Chetan title=The Oxford Handbook of the Indian Economy|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=kPYXpHSVbywC&pg=PA373|date=13 March 2012|publisher=Oxford University Press|isbn=978-0-19-973458-0|pages=373–}} ===Discussion with Ela Bhatt, Founder, Self-Employed Women's Association (SEWA)=== <small>{{cite web|url=http://berkleycenter.georgetown.edu/interviews/a-discussion-with-ela-bhatt-founder-self-employed-women-s-association-sewa|title=A Discussion with Ela Bhatt, Founder, Self-Employed Women's Association (SEWA)|accessdate=20 December 2013|Berkley Center for Religion, Peace and World Affairs}}</small> *…Inner peace is important, but I have always felt that living a daily life with peace is the end. So in reality individual peace and global peace are not separate. They are one and the same. *…[[Poverty]] and [[violence]] are not God made, they are man made. Poverty and peace cannot coexist. *Through women, what exists and is real, what is traditional, historical, modern and cultural, given the opportunity, is upgraded. That is what the challenge to bring peace is about. *I grew up in the time around [[India]]’s independence, in the aura of a country fighting for its freedom. It was a heady and idealistic time, and we were all infected with a spirit of optimism, and the spirit of Gandhiji. *We were rebuilding the nation, looking to a more just society. It was a time when many of us were going to the villages to live there. We were a generation that had no confusion in our minds as to how to do things. Gandhiji had shown the way. This atmosphere infused [[Politics of India|politics]] and the way we did things. *...as I worked with the [[Trade unions|unionized labor]], of the much larger labor force that was outside the purview of the protective labor laws, of any form of [[social security]], access to justice, access to financial services, anything. That tugged at my heart. And those people were unorganized and had no strength to act to seek remedies. *Women predominate in the lower strata of employment. *[So], in 1972, we started SEWA, the Self Employed Women’s Association. SEWA in many respects is a microcosm of the general picture of the informal sector, in India and worldwide. *SEWA is now the largest union in India, with a membership of around 1.2 million women. *[SEWA] have been doing many different things, leading the SEWA movement which is about economic freedom for the poor, women, and self employed. *I am [[w:Hindu|Hindu]], and my activism is very much framed within that context, of [[w:karma|karma]] as meaning action. *The country is moving in a different direction, times have changed. But for me Gandhiji’s values are still the frame, still alive and valid. *SEWA is about political action, and that has always been at the heart of what we have done. It is about changing the balance of power in favor of the poor. That has meant constant tension, with big farmers, moneylenders, contractors, big traders, government, local [[w:panchayats|panchayats]], and so on. *Injustice happens at many levels, from the grass roots to the top. And one of the keys of SEWA’s vision and action is linking them. *Systems are needed, for example for management, accounting, skill development and MIS to serve the needs of the working poor. *[[w:Microfinance|Microfinance]] is the best example of success in the kinds of systemic institutional areas. *What we really are looking for is self reliance and that is how we should measure success. I don’t much like the word empowerment, but self-reliance is the foundation of SEWA’s approach,. *Every human being has something, a spiritual element, that makes them want to do better, to reach higher. *All my life I have worked to change concepts, and that begins with how people see and understand the problems. ** "Poor women are not helpless. They are economic producers and leaders of change." ** Source: Discussions on women's self-employment and grassroots development. ==About Ela Bhatt== ===Ela Bhatt bags Global Initiative Award=== <small>[[w:Hillary Clinton|Hillary Clinton]], [[w:Secretary of State|Secretary of State]] at the award ceremony held at the [[w:Kennedy Center|Kennedy Center]].{{cite news|url=http://www.financialexpress.com/news/ela-bhatt-bags-global-initiative-award/712061|title=Ela Bhatt bags Global Initiative Award|date=16 November 2010|accessdate=20 December 2013|publisher=Financial Express}}</small> *She (Bhatt) has helped not only [[women in India]] but women in [[South Africa]], in [[Pakistan]], [[Afghanistan]], and inspired so many others to find their own way forward to overcome long legacies of [[Social inequality|inequality]] and unfairness. She has helped us imagine and then work toward a fairer world. *So for her contribution to India and particularly the women of India, and to the global community, it is my honour to present the first [[w:Global Fairness Award|Global Fairness Award]] to my friend, Ela Bhatt" *The work that she has done through the Self-Employed Women's Association is not only about finding solutions to the problems of poverty. At its most basic level, Ela's work is about fairness, about giving every person the chance to achieve his or her dreams, to make the most of his or her God-given potential'no matter how rich or poor, no matter whether they work in a factory or a home or on the side of a road. *Even in places where it is most stark, people still should be able to develop their ambitions and direct them toward building better lives. And Ela and SEWA have proven that, *Ela Bhatt has upended the old ways of thinking and compelled all of us to raise our collective ambitions about what we can do to. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} *{{cite book|last= Mansingh |first=Surjit |title=Historical Dictionary of India|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=6HAeAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA103|date=9 May 2006|publisher=Scarecrow Press|isbn=978-0-8108-6502-0|pages=103–}} *{{cite book|last= Rappaport |first=Helen |title=Encyclopedia of Women Social Reformers|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=rpuSzowmIkgC&pg=PA76|year=2001|publisher=ABC-CLIO|isbn=978-1-57607-101-4|pages=76–}} *{{cite book|last= Kinnear first=Karen L. |title=Women in Developing Countries: A Reference Handbook|url=http://books.google.com/books?id=LViJROLfEGQC&pg=PA145|year=2011|publisher=ABC-CLIO|isbn=978-1-59884-425-2|pages=145–}} *{{cite web|url=http://www.thextraordinary.org/ela-bhatt|title=Ela Bhatt|accessdate=20 December 2013|The Extraorinary Organzation}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bhatt, Ela}} [[Category:1933 births]] [[Category:2022 deaths]] [[Category:Educators from India]] [[Category:Businesswomen from India]] [[Category:Socialist feminists]] [[Category:Gandhians]] [[Category:Women's rights activists from India]] [[Category:Women activists from India]] [[Category:The Elders]] [[Category:Women born in the 1930s]] f6kc171kjir26626qxms3k5qc2pn0oa 0 151680 3954160 3886446 2026-06-18T15:11:14Z ~2026-35545-60 3343356 /* Quotes */ 3954160 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Palmleaf of Kakawin Sutasoma from Java01.jpg|thumb|They are different, yet same. ~ Bhinnêka Tunggal Ika, the national motto of Indonesia, literally means “different, yet the same” referring to the Buddha and Śiva]] [[File:Flag of Indonesia.svg|thumb| I think that living in Indonesia also reminded me how big the world is. —[[Barack Obama]]]] [[Wikipedia:Indonesia|'''Indonesia''']] is a sovereign state in [[Wikipedia:Southeast Asia|Southeast Asia]] and [[Wikipedia:Oceania|Oceania]]. Indonesia is an archipelago comprising approximately 17,508 islands. It encompasses 38 provinces and 1 Special Administrative Region (for being governed by a pre-colonial [[monarchy]]) with over 280 million people, making it the world's fourth most populous country. Indonesia's republic form of government comprises an elected legislature and president. The nation's capital city is [[w:jakarta|jakarta ]]. == Quotes == *The sea was deep and bottomless, and there was no place where they could drop anchor and stop. But when the sky became clear, they could tell east and west, and (the ship) again went forward in the right direction. If she had come on any hidden rock, there would have been no way of escape. “After proceeding in this way for rather more than ninety days, they arrived at a country called Java-dvipa, where various forms of error and Brahmanism are flourishing, while Buddhism in it is not worth speaking of. **Faxian, quoted in C. K. Raju. Cultural Foundations of Mathematics: The Nature of Mathematical Proof and the Transmission of the Calculus from India to Europe. Pearson Education India, 2007 *I hope the friendship between us can be improved and maintained, because there are mutual benefits if Indonesia and [[Malaysia]] work together in all areas, including politics, economy and bilateral relations **[[Mahathir Mohamad]], [https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/se-asia/malaysian-pm-mahathir-hopes-for-stronger-ties-with-indonesia Malaysian PM Mahathir hopes for stronger ties with Indonesia], (28 June 2018). * One of the biggest threats to [[biodiversity]] is the continued loss of virgin forests. Every year, an area of [[Forests|forest]] corresponding to the size of [[Hungary]] disappears. However, the rate of deforestation has fallen by 40 per cent since the 1990s, according to the FAO. Deforestation has ceased in rich countries. In the [[United States]] and [[Europe]] forested areas are increasing. In [[China]] and [[India]], too, forests are now growing, suggesting that [[Population growth|rising populations]] and economies do not have to cause overexploitation. Were it not for deforestation in seven countries – [[Brazil]], [[wikipedia:Paraguay|Paraguay]], [[wikipedia:Angola|Angola]], [[Democratic Republic of the Congo|Congo]], [[Tanzania]], Indonesia and [[Myanmar]] – the world’s forests would have grown in the 2010s. That is not much of a comfort, given the unique natural values lost with those forests. But it shows that the notion that we are experiencing a relentless global deforestation does not hold. ** [[Johan Norberg]], ''The Capitalist Manifesto: Why the Global Free Market Will Save the World'' (2023) * When I moved to Indonesia, it was 1967 and, you know, the incredible economic [[progress]] that has been made in Indonesia, the way Jakarta has changed, when I was there you'd see [[wikipedia:becak|becak]] everywhere, you know, it was slow moving place...[]...But, the only Hotel was Hotel Indonesia and Sarinah was, where, you know, place to do shopping, and now my understanding is there...buildings everywhere and that represents the incredible progress has been made but...'''not only economically, but also Indonesia is being a model of [[democracy]], such a populous nation and the diverse nation, that able to bring together a democratic forces''' and '''Indonesia's gonna be a powerhouse International'''... ** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview] with [[Wikipedia:Obama Eksklusif RCTI Bersama Putra Nababan|Putra Nababan in the White House]] (March 2010) * I think they are hardworking, they love their families and community, and they are very calm, which I think helps me now in this very tense job. '''I think that living in Indonesia also reminded me how big the world is''', you know, I've... '''Indonesia such a big country, such a diverse country and so many different people there''' and it reminded me that we have to have a broad view of the world and recognize the we all are connected and that's very important... ** [[Barack Obama]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sFgxBhpkU Interview] with [[Wikipedia:Obama Eksklusif RCTI Bersama Putra Nababan|Putra Nababan in the White House]] (March 2010) *Bhinnêka Tunggal Ika, the national motto of Indonesia, literally means “different, yet the same” referring to the Buddha and Śiva, and it is usually rendered as “unity in diversity”. The phrase is from the Kakawin Sutosoma, a fourteenth century poem in Old Javanese, by Mpu Tantular. The stanza is as follows:<br> Rwāneka dhātu winuwus Buddha Wiswa<br> Bhinnêki rakwa ring apan kena parwanosen, Mangka ng Jinatwa kalawan Śiwatatwa tunggal<br> Bhinnêka tunggal ika tan hana dharma mangrwa. <br>The Buddha and Viśva[nātha] are known as different realms<br> They are different, but how to know this difference <br>For the truth of Jina (Buddha) and Śiva is one<br> They are different, yet same, for truth knows no duality. **Mpu Tantular, quoted in The Idea of India- Bhārat as a Civilisation -- Subhash Kak * We have full access to Indonesia, [[everything]]. ** Donald Trump, https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5402101-donald-trump-lowering-indonesia-tariff-rate/ == External Links == {{Sister project links|voy=Indonesia|Indonesia|auto=1|d=Q252}} {{wikiversity|Comparative law and justice/Indonesia}} {{wikibooks|Wikijunior:Asia/Indonesia}} [[Category:Indonesia| ]] 7h0lrhr10531vtnax68a5e0iqmvs18g 0 157225 3954212 3697295 2026-06-18T17:20:22Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Libya]]; −[[Category:Women from Libya]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Libya]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954212 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Salwa Bugaighis DSCF0785 c.jpg|thumb|{{w|Salwa Bughaighis}} in 2011]] '''{{w|Salwa Bughaighis}}''' (ca. 1964 - 25 June 2014) was a Libyan human rights activist, revolutionary and lawyer, member of the {{w|National Transitional Council}}. {{Activist-stub}} ==Quotes== * They knew that women were very effective and very strong in this revolution, but they think that now, the role is for the man. ** Salwa Bugaighis after resigning here position at the {{w|Libya’s National Transitional Council}}, quoted in: [http://www.vitalvoices.org/node/2680 Salwa Bugaighis] at ''vitalvoices.org,'' 2014 * These are people who want to foil elections... {{w|Benghazi}} has been always defiant, and always will be despite the pain and fear. It will succeed. ** Salwa Bugaighis in phone interview by al-Nabaa network interrupted by gunfire, 25 June 2014: Quoted in: Chris Stephen. "Libya in shock after murder of human rights activist Salwa Bugaighis," ''The Guardian,'' Thursday 26 June 2014 16.42 BST. === Interview with Salwa Bugaighis, 2012 === In: [http://theglobalobservatory.org/component/tag/middle:east.html?start=90 Interview with Salwa Bugaighis, Libyan Human Rights Lawyer]{{dead link}}, at ''theglobalobservatory.org,'' by Warren Hoge, March 27, 2012 * There is struggling inside, the people, but they are really happy. And I’m not worried about what I am seeing in the street, protesting, many demonstrations—they are trying, and they want to make sure there is freedom. * All the people are free to say what they want to say, but we have to learn, there’s always limits. You have to respect the privacy of the others; you have to respect the other opinion. Because during 42 years, there is just one thinking, Qaddafi’s thinking, and Qaddafi’s theory. So, it is difficult to let the people to respect another opinion. Everything is new. * I want to say the first thing that [[Qaddafi]], he thinks that we are six million human beings, nameless. That’s how Qaddafi is looking at us. In our country, when Qaddafi’s regime, there’s no names, can mention except Qaddafi’s names. No heroes, even athletes or singers. We knew after the revolution that there was an office to try to disappear the stars. If there is any names, singers, we have the experience that there were singer idol in Beirut, big event between all Arab countries, and he won and after that when he come back to Libya, and we didn’t hear about him, he disappeared.<br>So, now I want to tell you that the whole population needs rehabilitation from Qaddafi’s regime. Comprehensive repression for all the people, all the details, chaos, turmoil that he tried to put the country through during the 42 years, so he tried consolidating power in his hands and demands the various state institutions. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/newsdesk/2014/06/salwa-bugaighis-libya-activist-death.html A Death in Benghazi: Salwa Bugaighis], ''The New Yorker'' * [http://edition.cnn.com/2014/06/27/world/africa/libya-salwa-bugaighis/ Death of a revolutionary: Murder robs Libya of 'a true patriot'], 2014/06/27 {{DEFAULTSORT:Bugaighis, Salwa}} [[Category:2014 deaths]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Libya]] [[Category:Women born in the 1960s]] 7px86lyi3t1u0gvpqvmkpkkeqfb8itb 0 160568 3954189 3778044 2026-06-18T17:09:09Z MusenInvincible 2414756 /* Quotes */ 3954189 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Rom, Vatikan, Basilika St. Peter, Die Taube des Heiligen Geistes (Cathedra Petri, Bernini).jpg|thumb|right|No man ever did, nor ever shall, [[truly]] go forth to convert the [[nations]], nor to [[prophesy]] in the present state of [[witnesses]] against Antichrist, but by the gracious [[inspiration]] and instigation of the [[Holy]] [[Spirit]] of [[God]]. ~ [[Roger Williams (theologian)|Roger Williams]] ]] '''[[w:Holy Spirit|Holy Spirit]]''' (or '''Holy Ghost'''), is a term for various notions of a [[divine]] [[essence]] or [[entity]] within the [[w:Abrahamic religions|Abrahamic religions]]. In the Hebrew [[Bible]] (''[[w:Tanakh|Tanakh]]'') and [[Jewish]] writings ''ruach ha-kodesh'' (Hebrew: רוח הקודש, "holy spirit" also transliterated ''ruaḥ ha-qodesh'') it is used to refer to the spirit of [[YHWH]] (רוח יהוה), literally meaning "the [[spirit]] of [[holiness]]" or "the spirit of the holy place". == Quotes == [[File:Vincent van Gogh - The Sower - c. 17-28 June 1888.jpg|thumb|right|I am [[whole]] in [[spirit]]. I am the Holy Spirit. ~ [[Vincent van Gogh]] ]] [[File:Cristo degli abissi.jpg|thumb|Every [[time]] that a man has, with a [[pure]] [[heart]], called upon [[w:Osiris|Osiris]], [[w:Dionysus|Dionysus]], [[Buddha]], the [[Tao]], etc., the Son of [[God]] has answered him by sending the [[Holy]] [[Spirit]]. And the Holy Spirit has acted upon his [[soul]], not by inciting him to abandon his [[religious]] [[tradition]], but by bestowing upon him [[light]] — and in the best of cases the fullness of light — ''in the [[heart]] of that same religious tradition''. ~ [[Simone Weil]] ]] [[File:Tiffany Jesus Window in Pullman Memorial Universalist Church.jpg|thumb|To [[minds]] that were open to the [[Holy]] [[Spirit]], the [[significance]] of the Saviour's [[teaching]] unfolded more and more. [[Mysteries]] grew clear, and that which had been hard to grasp became [[evident]]. ~ [[Ellen G. White]] ]] [[File:Battesimo di Cristo" 1710.jpg|thumb|We need the [[enlightenment]] of the [[Holy]] [[Spirit]] in order to discern the [[truths]] in [[God]]'s [[word]]. ~ [[Ellen G. White]] ]] * [[Teach]] me to do your [[will]], For you are my [[God]]. Your [[spirit]] is [[good]]; May it lead me on level ground. ** [[David]], [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/psalms/143/ Psalm 143:10], [[New World Translation of the Holy Scriptures]] * '''In all their affliction he was afflicted, and the [[angel]] of his presence saved them: in his [[love]] and in his [[pity]] he [[redeemed]] them; and he bare them, and carried them all the days of old. But they rebelled, and vexed his [[holy]] [[Spirit]]: therefore he was turned to be their enemy, and he fought against them.''' ** ''[[Isaiah]]'', [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Isaiah%2063&version=KJV;WLC 63: 10 - 14 (KJV)] * '''We [[glory]] in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.''' ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], in ''[[Epistle to the Romans|Romans]]'' [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+5&version=KJV;SBLGNT 5:3-5 (KJV)] ** Variant translation: ** <!-- Therefore, since we have been justified through [[faith]], we have [[peace]] with [[God]] through our Lord [[Jesus]] [[Christ]], through whom we have gained access by faith into this [[grace]] in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the Glory of God. Not only so, but --> '''We rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, who he has given us.''' *** [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans+5&version=NIV;SBLGNT ''Romans'' 5:3-5 (NIV)] * A physical man does not receive the things of the spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot get to know [them], because they are examined spiritually. However, the spiritual man examines indeed all things, but he himself is not examined by any man. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], [http://www.jw.org/en/publications/bible/nwt/books/1-corinthians/2/ The First to the Corinthians 2:14], [[New World Translation]] *Do you not know that your [[Body|body]] is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, which you have from God? You are not your own. ** [[Paul of Tarsus]], in ''1 Corinthians'' 6:19 * '''Create in me a clean [[heart]], O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.''' Restore unto me the [[joy]] of thy [[salvation]]; and uphold me with thy [[free]] [[spirit]]. Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee. ** ''[[Psalms]]'' [https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm%2051&version=KJV;WLC 51:10 - 13] *For by '''the hands of the Father, that is, by the Son and the Holy Spirit''', man, and not [merely] a part of man, was made in the likeness of God. For by the hands of the Father, that is, by the Son and the Holy Spirit, man, and not [merely] a part of man, was made in the likeness of God. ** Saint [[Irenaeus]], ''Against Heresies: Book V'', Ch. [https://ccel.org/ccel/irenaeus/against_heresies_v/anf01.ix.vii.vii.html Chapter VI].—''God will bestow salvation upon the whole nature of man, consisting of body and soul in close union, since the Word took it upon Him, and adorned with the gifts of the Holy Spirit, of whom our bodies are, and are termed, the temples''. * There is no reason to believe that the Holy Spirit ever leaves awakened sinners, only as they leave the truth of God for some error or sin. ** [[Ichabod Spencer]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 319 * The Holy Spirit would lead us to think much upon our own sins. It is a dangerous thing for us to dwell upon the imperfections of others. ** [[Ichabod Spencer]], as quoted in ''Dictionary of Burning Words of Brilliant Writers'' (1895), p. 357 * The race of man was fostered by a soul which had completed its experience of creation and returned to God, becoming a companion to Him and a co-creator. This is the soul man knows as the Christ. ** [[Thomas Sugrue]], ''There Is A River: Story Of Edgar Cayce'' (1945) * '''''Je suis sain d'Esprit, Je suis Saint-Esprit.''''' **''' I am [[whole]] in [[spirit]]. I am the Holy Spirit.''' *** [[Vincent van Gogh]], as quoted by [[Paul Gauguin]], in article published in ''Essais d'Art Libre,'' (January 1894); English translation as declared in the [[w:Robert Altman|Robert Altman]] film ''[[w:Vincent & Theo|Vincent & Theo]]'' (1990) ** Variant translations: ** '''I am of sound [[mind]], I am the Holy Ghost.''' * '''Every time that a man has, with a [[pure]] [[heart]], called upon [[w:Osiris|Osiris]], [[w:Dionysus|Dionysus]], [[Buddha]], the [[Tao]], etc., the Son of [[God]] has answered him by sending the [[Holy Spirit]].''' And the Holy Spirit has acted upon his [[soul]], not by inciting him to abandon his religious tradition, but by bestowing upon him [[light]] — and in the best of cases the fullness of light — ''in the [[heart]] of that same religious tradition''. … It is, therefore, useless to send out missions to prevail upon the peoples of Asia, Africa or Oceania to enter the Church. ** [[Simone Weil]], in ''Letter to a Priest'' (1951), Section 8 * '''[[Christ]] had truths to present which the people were unprepared to accept or even to understand. For this reason also He taught them in parables.''' By connecting His teaching with the scenes of life, experience, or nature, He secured their attention and impressed their hearts. Afterward, as they looked upon the objects that illustrated His lessons, they recalled the words of the divine Teacher. To minds that were open to the Holy Spirit, the significance of the Saviour's teaching unfolded more and more. '''Mysteries grew clear, and that which had been hard to grasp became evident. <br> Jesus sought an avenue to every heart. By using a variety of illustrations, He not only presented truth in its different phases, but appealed to the different hearers.''' ** [[Ellen G. White]], in ''Christ's Object Lessons'' (1900), Ch. 1 * '''Through the creation we are to become acquainted with the Creator.''' The book of nature is a great lesson book, which in connection with the Scriptures we are to use in teaching others of His character, and guiding lost sheep back to the fold of God. As the works of God are studied, the Holy Spirit flashes conviction into the mind. It is not the conviction that logical reasoning produces; but unless the mind has become too dark to know God, the eye too dim to see Him, the ear too dull to hear His voice, a deeper meaning is grasped, and the sublime, spiritual truths of the written word are impressed on the heart. ** [[Ellen G. White]], in ''Christ's Object Lessons'' (1900), Ch. 1 * '''We need the enlightenment of the Holy Spirit in order to discern the truths in God's word. The lovely things of the natural world are not seen until the sun, dispelling the darkness, floods them with its light.''' So the treasures in the word of God are not appreciated until they are revealed by the bright beams of the Sun of Righteousness. <br> The Holy Spirit, sent from heaven by the benevolence of infinite love, takes the things of God and reveals them to every soul that has an implicit faith in Christ. By His power the vital truths upon which the salvation of the soul depends are impressed upon the mind, and the way of life is made so plain that none need err therein. '''As we study the Scriptures, we should pray for the light of God's Holy Spirit to shine upon the word, that we may see and appreciate its treasures.''' ** [[Ellen G. White]], in ''Christ's Object Lessons'' (1900), Ch. 8 * '''No man ever did, nor ever shall, truly go forth to convert the nations, nor to prophesy in the present state of witnesses against Antichrist, but by the gracious inspiration and instigation of the Holy Spirit of God.''' … I know no other True Sender, but the most Holy Spirit. ** [[Roger Williams (theologian)|Roger Williams]], ''The Hireling Ministry, None of Christ's'' (1652) * 'Tis true, those glorious first ministeriall gifts are ceased, and that's or should be the lamentation of all Saints... Yet I humbly conceive that without those gifts, it is no ground of imitation, and of going forth to Teach and Baptise the Nations, for, the Apostles themselves did not attempt that mighty enterprise, but waited at Jerusalem until the Holy Spirit descended on them, and inabled them for that mighty work ** [[Roger Williams (theologian)|Roger Williams]], ''The Hireling Ministry, None of Christ's'' (1652) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{wiktionary}} {{commonscat}} [[Category:Abrahamic religions]] 9b6zp42bnz7wilc5m86t3ntpxxwiv5q 0 160699 3954217 3352419 2026-06-18T17:25:36Z MusenInvincible 2414756 /* J */ 3954217 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Saint-Aubin-Du-Cormier.jpg|thumb|"War," says Machiavel, "ought to be the only study of a prince"; and by a prince he means every sort of state, however constituted. "He ought," says this great political doctor, "to consider peace only as a breathing-time, which gives him leisure to contrive, and furnishes ability to execute military plans." ~ [[Edmund Burke]] ]] [[File:Battle of Ballon.jpg|thumb|War leads to peace. ~ [[Cicero]] ]] {{for|the novel by [[Leo Tolstoy]]|War and Peace (Leo Tolstoy)}} {{for|the film|War and Peace (1968 film)}} '''[[War]] and [[peace]]''' are contrasting states, one being defined by conflict involving the organized use of weapons and physical force by states or other large-scale groups and the other being an occurrence of harmony characterized by the absence of conflict and violence. __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha|''[[#Bible|Bible]]''}} ==Quotes== ===B=== * [[Croesus]] said to [[w:Cambyses|Cambyses]]; That peace was better than war; because in peace the sons did bury their fathers, but in wars the fathers did bury their sons. ** [[Francis Bacon]], ''Apophthegms, New and Old'' (published 1625); in James A. Spedding, Robert L. Ellis and Douglas D. Heath, eds., ''The Works of Francis Bacon'', vol. 13 (1860, reprinted 1969), no. 149, p. 359. * Wars have never made peace or preserved it or fostered its [[ideals]]. To have peace you must make peace with your [[enemy]]. To make peace only with your [[friends]] is to avoid the issue, and to permit a [[great]] [[principle]] to become [[absurd]]. Far from making peace, wars invariably serve as classrooms and laboratories where [[men]] and [[techniques]] and states of [[mind]] are prepared for the next war. ** [[Wendell Berry]], "A Statement against the War in Vietnam", ''The Long-Legged House'' (1969) * If we are serious about peace, then we must work for it as ardently, seriously, continuously, carefully, and bravely as we have ever prepared for war. ** [[Wendell Berry]], ''Citizenship Papers'' (2003) * An analysis of the history of mankind shows that from the year 1496 B.C. to the year 1861 of our era, that is, in a cycle of 3357 years, were but 227 years of peace and 3130 years of war: in other words, were thirteen years of war for every year of peace. Considered thus, the history of the lives of peoples presents a picture of uninterrupted struggle. War, it would appear, is a normal attribute to human life. ** [[Jean de Bloch]], ''The Future of War'', trans. R. C. Long (1903), p. lxv. * We have men of [[science]], too few men of [[God]]. '''We have grasped the [[mystery]] of the atom and rejected the [[w:Sermon on the Mount|Sermon on the Mount]]. The [[world]] has achieved brilliance without [[conscience]]. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and [[ethical]] infants. We [[know]] more about [[war]] than we know about peace, more about [[killing]] than we know about [[living]].''' If we continue to develop our [[technology]] without [[wisdom]] or [[prudence]], our servant may prove to be our executioner. ** [[Omar Bradley]], [[w:Armistice Day|Armistice Day]] speech (11 November 1948), published in Omar Bradley's ''Collected Writings, Volume 1'' (1967) * He who did well in war just earns the right<br>To begin doing well in peace. ** [[Robert Browning]], ''Luria'', Act II, line 354. * If it were possible for members of different [[nationalities]], with different [[language]] and [[customs]], and an intellectual life of a different kind, to live side by side in one and the same state, without succumbing to the temptation of each trying to force his own nationality on the other, things would look a good deal more peaceful. But it is a law of life and development in history that where two national civilizations meet they fight for ascendancy. In the struggle between nationalities, one nation is the hammer and the other the anvil: one is the victor and the other the vanquished. ** {{w|Bernhard von Bülow}}, ''Imperial Germany''. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * It is truer today than when [[Alfred Nobel]] realized it a half-century ago, that '''peace cannot be achieved in a vacuum. Peace must be paced by [[human]] [[progress]]. Peace is no mere matter of men [[fighting]] or not fighting. Peace, to have meaning for many who have known only suffering in both peace and war, must be translated into [[bread]] or [[w:Rice|rice]], [[w:Shelter|shelter]], [[health]], and [[education]], as well as [[freedom]] and human dignity - a steadily better life. If peace is to be secure, long-suffering and long-starved, forgotten peoples of the world, the underprivileged and the undernourished, must begin to realize without delay the promise of a new day and a new life.''' ** [[Ralph Bunche]], [http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1950/bunche-lecture.html Nobel Lecture "Some Reflections on Peace in Our Time" on December 11, 1950] * "War," says [[Machiavelli|Machiavel]], "ought to be the only study of a [[prince]]"; and by a prince he means every sort of [[state]], however constituted. "He ought," says this great political doctor, "to consider peace only as a breathing-time, which gives him leisure to contrive, and furnishes ability to execute military plans." ** [[Edmund Burke]], ''Vindication of Natural Society'', Volume I, p. 15. * Peace is a resistance to the terrible satisfactions of [[war]]. ** [[Judith Butler]], interview in ''The Believer'' Magazine - Issue 2 * There's but the twinkling of a star<br>Between a man of peace and war. ** [[Samuel Butler (poet)|Samuel Butler]], ''Hudibras'', Part II (1664), Canto III, line 957. * In peace the cry is for mobility, in war for weight of shell. ** Lt Col [[w:Alan Brooke, 1st Viscount Alanbrooke|Alan F. Brooke]] (later Field Marshal Lord Alanbrooke), ''The Evolution of Artillery in the Great War'' (1925) ===C=== * In War: [[Resolution]]<br>In [[Defeat]]: [[Defiance]]<br>In [[Victory]]: [[Magnanimity]]<br>In [[Peace]]: [[Good Will]] ** [[Winston Churchill]], ''The Second World War'' (1948–1954), p. viii. This motto, the "moral of the work", appeared on p. viii of each of the six volumes in this work. * ''Cedant arma togæ.'' ** [[War]] leads to peace. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I. 22 * ''Equidem ad pacem hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.'' ** '''As for me, I cease not to advocate peace. It may be on unjust terms, but even so it is more expedient than the justest of [[w:Civil_wars|civil wars]].''' (Translation by E.O. Winstedt) ** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) VII 14 (Latin and English) in the [http://archive.org/stream/letterstoatticus02ciceuoft#page/68/mode/2up Loeb Classical Library], translated by E.O. Winstedt. ** Variant translations: *** I never cease urging peace, which, however unfair, is better than the justest war in the world. *** An unjust peace is better than a just war. ** Adaptations and paraphrases: ** ''Iniquissimam pacem justissimo bello antefero.'' *** I prefer the most unfair peace to the most righteous war. **** Idea used by Butler in the Rump Parliament, by [[Benjamin Franklin]], in letter to Quincey (11 September 1773), Bishop Colet, St. Paul's, London (1512), Green's ''History of the English People'', ''The New Learning'', as reported in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 588-91 * ''Mihi enim omnis pax cum civibus bello civili utilior videbatur.'' ** For to me every sort of peace with the [[Citizenship|citizens]] seemed to be of more service than civil war. ** [[Cicero]], ''Philippics'', 2. 15. 37 * ''Mars gravior sub pace latet.'' ** A severe war lurks under the show of peace. ** [[Claudianus]], ''De Sexto Consulatu Honorii Augusti Panegyris'', 307 * ''Equidem ad paceni hortari non desino; quae vel iniusta utilior est quam iustissimum bellum cum civibus.'' ** I never cease urging peace, which, however unfair, is better than the justest war in the world. ** [[Cicero]], ''Epistulae ad Atticum'' (Letters to Atticus) [http://artflx.uchicago.edu/perseus-cgi/citequery3.pl?dbname=LatinAugust2012&query=Cic.%20Att.%207.14&getid=0 Book 7, Letter 14] ** Variant translation: An unjust peace is better than a just war. * Bella suscipienda sunt ob eam causam, ut sine injuria in pace vivatur. ** Wars are to be undertaken in order that it may be possible to live in peace without molestation. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 11. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Bellum autem ita suscipiatur, ut nihil aliud, nisi pax, quæsita videatur. ** Let war be so carried on that no other object may seem to be sought but the acquisition of peace. ** [[Cicero]], ''De Officiis'' (44 B.C.), I, 23. *Ah, well! we talk of war,<br>&emsp;&emsp;But peace is so much kinder,<br>That all our strife is for<br>&emsp;&emsp;Is just the hope to find her:<br>And see!—how Spring, with look serene,<br>&emsp;&emsp;Is garlanding her halls in green! **From "[[s:So War has Begun|So War has begun]]" (1904) by [[Florence Earle Coates]] * War is an invention of the human mind. The human mind can invent peace with justice. ** [[Norman Cousins]], ''Who Speaks for Man?'' (1953), p. 318. * O for a lodge in some vast wilderness,<br>Some boundless contiguity of shade;<br>Where rumor of oppression and deceit,<br>Of unsuccessful or successful war,<br>Might never reach me more. ** [[William Cowper]], ''The Task'' (1785), Book II, line 1 ===D=== * The [[working class]] who fight all the battles, the working class who make the supreme sacrifices, the working class who freely shed their blood and furnish the corpses, have never yet had a voice in either declaring war or making peace. It is the ruling class that invariably does both. They alone declare war and they alone make peace. <br> Yours not to reason why;<br>Yours but to do and die. <br> That is their motto and we object on the part of the awakening workers of this nation. <br> If war is right let it be declared by the people. '''You who have your lives to lose, you certainly above all others have the right to decide the momentous issue of war or peace.''' ** [[Eugene V. Debs]], "[http://www.marxists.org/archive/debs/works/1918/canton.htm The Canton, Ohio Speech, Anti-War Speech]" in ''The Call'' (16 June 1918) *In time of trouble we are citizens. Shall we be citizens in war, and aliens in peace? Would that be just? **[[Frederick Douglass]], [http://teachingamericanhistory.org/library/document/what-the-black-man-wants/ "What the Black Man Wants"], speech in Boston, Massachusetts (1865). * Such subtle Covenants shall be made,<br>Till Peace it self is War in Masquerade. ** [[John Dryden]], ''Absalom and Achitophel'' (1682, reprinted 1970), part 2, lines 268–69, p. 9. A variant of the second part, "And Peace it self is War in Masquerade", appears earlier in the poem, part 1, line 752, p. 23. * Peace will never be won if men reserve for war their greatest efforts, Peace, too, requires well-directed and sustained sacrificial endeavor. Given that, we can, I believe, achieve the great goal of [[Foreign policy of the United States|our foreign policy]], that of enabling our people to enjoy in peace the blessings of liberty. ** [[John Foster Dulles]], secretary of state, news conference statement (December 31, 1954). ''Department of State Bulletin'' (January 10, 1955), p. 44. * Peace without [[Justice]] is a low estate''',—<br>A coward cringing to an iron [[Fate]]!<br>'''But Peace through Justice is the great ideal,—<br>We'll pay the price of war to make it real. ** [[Henry van Dyke]], ''The Price of Peace'', (28 December 2013) ===E=== * '''Peace cannot be kept by [[force]]. It can only be achieved by [[understanding]].''' You cannot subjugate a nation forcibly unless you [[Genocide|wipe out every man, woman, and child]]. Unless you wish to use such drastic measures, you must find a way of settling your disputes without resort to arms. ** [[Albert Einstein]], From a speech to the New History Society (14 December 1930), reprinted in "Militant Pacifism" in [http://books.google.com/books?id=cvlOAAAAMAAJ&q=%22peace+cannot+be+kept+by+force%22#search_anchor ''Cosmic Religion''] (1931); also found in ''The New Quotable Einstein'' by Alice Calaprice, p. 158. ===F=== * There never was a good war or a bad peace. ** [[Benjamin Franklin]], letter to Quincy. Sept. 11, 1773. * I am skeptical about preventing wars. I doubt if they can be prevented. There will always be wars. Judging by past experiences, working for peace now would be as ineffective as ever. It's a [[law of nature]]. ** [[Wilhelm Frick]], To Leon Goldensohn, March 10, 1946, "The Nuremberg Interviews" by Leon Goldensohn - History - 2007. *War is obsolete. It could never have been done before. Only ten years ago... [[technology]] reached the point where it could be done. Since then the invisible technological-capability revolution has made it ever easier so to do. It is a matter of converting the high technology from [[Weapon|weaponry]] to livingry. The essence of livingry is human-life advantaging and environment controlling. With the highest [[Aeronautical engineer|aeronautical]] and [[engineering]] facilities of the world redirected from weaponry to livingry production, all humanity would have the option of becoming enduringly successful... If realized, this historically greatest design revolution will joyously elevate all humanity to unprecedented heights. **[[Buckminster Fuller]] in [https://archive.org/details/LIBRORBuckminsterFullerCriticalPath ''Critical Path''] (1981) ===G=== * '''If we are to reach real peace in this world''' and if we are to carry on a real war against war, '''we shall have to begin with [[children]]'''; and if they will grow up in their natural innocence, we won’t have to struggle, we won’t have to pass fruitless idle resolutions. But we shall go from love to love and peace to peace, until at last all the corners of the world are covered with that peace and love for which, consciously or unconsciously, the whole world is hungering. ** [[Mahatma Gandhi]] ''Young India'' (19 November 1931), p. 361 * In the [[21st century]], there is a tendency to blur the distinction between the state of war and peace. Wars are no longer declared, and once they have begun, they do not proceed according to the pattern we are accustomed to. ** [[Valery Gerasimov]], "Ценность науки в предвидении" (26 February 2013) * * If you look at human society, it is very easy, of course, to compare our [[warfare]] and territoriality with the [[Chimpanzees|chimpanzee]]. But that's only one side of what we do. We also trade, we intermarry, we allow each other to travel through our territory. There's an enormous amount of cooperation. Indeed, among [[w:Hunter-gatherers|hunter-gatherers]], peace is common 90 percent of the time, and war takes place only a small part of the time. Chimps cannot tell us anything about peaceful relations, because chimps have only different degrees of hostility between communities. Whereas [[w:bonobo|bonobos]] do tell us something; they tell us about the possibility of having peaceful relationships. * At the time, I was interested in reconciliation after fights, and I wanted to know how bonobos did it compared to chimpanzees. Very soon I discovered that they were much more [[sexual]] in everything they did, and that interested me—not so much for the [[sex]] part, even though that became a very hot topic, the peacemaking-through-sex thing—but much more how they have such a peaceful society, because they are much less violent than chimpanzees. ** [[Jane Goodall]], "[http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/nature/bonobo-all-us.html The Bonobo in All of Us]" ''Nova'', ''PBS'' (1 January 2007) *[[War]] has made us a nation of great power and intelligence. We have but little to do to preserve peace, happiness and prosperity at home, and the respect of other nations. Our experience ought to teach us the necessity of the first; our power secures the latter. **[[Ulysses S. Grant]], [http://www.gutenberg.org/etext/4367 ''Personal Memoirs of General U. S. Grant''] (1885). ===H=== * If you wish for peace, understand war. ** [[w:B. H. Liddell Hart|B. H. Liddell Hart]] in ''Strategy'' (1967). * Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; or close the wall up with our [[English people|English]] dead! In peace, there's nothing so becomes a man as modest [[stillness]] and [[humility]]; but when the blast of war blows in our ears, then imitate the action of the tiger; stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage. ** King Henry, in ''King Henry V'', act 3 scene 1, by [[William Shakespeare]] * '''The only way to abolish war is to make peace heroic.''' ** [[w:James Hinton|James Hinton]], ''Philosophy and Religion: Selections from the Manuscripts of the Late James Hinton'', ed. Caroline Haddon, (2nd ed., London: 1884), [http://books.google.com/books?id=DpxRAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA267 p. 267]. ** Widely misattributed on the internet to [[John Dewey]], who actually attributes it to Hinton in ''Human Nature and Conduct: An Introduction to Social Psychology'' (New York: 1922), [http://books.google.com/books?id=Ws0RAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA115 p. 115] * ''In pace ut sapiens aptarit idonea bello.'' ** Like as a wise man in time of peace prepares for war. ** [[Horace]], ''Satires'', II. 2. 111 *If we do not change course quickly, we will inevitably encounter an incident where that first domino is tipped—triggering a sequence of unstoppable events that will mark [[w:Nuclear holocaust|the end of our time]] on this tiny planet... **[[w:Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein|Zeid Ra’ad Al Hussein]] in [https://www.economist.com/open-future/2018/08/30/grassroots-leaders-provide-the-best-hope-to-a-troubled-world '''''Grassroots leaders provide the best hope to a troubled world''', The Economist'',] (30 August 2018) ===J=== [[File:Matterhorn-Wallis.JPG|thumb|Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. ~ [[Jesus]] ]] * You have not been mistaken in supposing my views and feeling to be in favor of the abolition of war. Of my dispos[i]tion to maintain peace until its condition shall be made less tolerable than that of war itself, the world has had proofs, and more, perhaps, than it has approved. I hope it is practicable, by improving the mind and morals of society, to lessen the dispos[i]tion to war; but of its abolition I despair. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to Noah Worcester (November 26, 1817); in Andrew A. Lipscomb, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'', vol. 18 (1903), p. 298. * '''Believing that the happiness of mankind is best promoted by the useful pursuits of peace, that on these alone a stable prosperity can be founded''', that '''the evils of war are great in their endurance, and have a long reckoning for ages to come''', I have used my best endeavors to keep our country uncommitted in the troubles which afflict [[Europe]], and which assail us on every side. ** [[Thomas Jefferson]], letter to the Young Republicans of Pittsburg (December 2, 1808), in H. A. Washington, ed., ''The Writings of Thomas Jefferson'' (1871), vol. 8, p. 142. * Oh! if I were [[Kingdom of France|Queen of France]], or, still better, [[w:Pope|Pope]] of [[Rome]],<br>I would have no fighting men abroad and no weeping maids at home;<br>[[World peace|All the world should be at peace]]; or if [[King|kings]] must show their might,<br>Why, let them who make the quarrels be the only ones to fight. ** [[Charles Jeffries]], ''Jeannette and Jeannot''. * We love peace as we abhor pusillanimity; but not peace at any price. There is a peace more destructive of the manhood of living man than war is destructive of his material body. Chains are worse than bayonets. ** [[Douglas Jerrold]], ''Jerrold's Wit'', ''Peace'' * Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. ** [[Jesus]], Gospel of Matthew 10:34-35 ===K=== * So let us here resolve that [[Dag Hammarskjöld]] did not live, or die, in vain. Let us call a truce to terror. Let us invoke the blessings of peace. And, as we build an international capacity to keep peace, let us join in dismantling the national capacity to wage war. ** [[John F. Kennedy]], address before the General Assembly of the United Nations, New York City (25 September 1961); in ''The Public Papers of the Presidents of the United States: John F. Kennedy, 1961'', p. 619 * What kind of peace do we seek? Not a [[w:Pax_Americana|Pax Americana]] enforced on the world by American weapons of war. Not the peace of the grave or the security of the slave. '''I am talking about genuine peace, the kind of peace that makes life on earth worth living, the kind that enables men and nations to grow and to hope and to build a better life for their children — not merely peace for Americans but peace for all men and women — not merely peace in our time but peace for all time.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]] in his "[[s:A Strategy of Peace|A Strategy of Peace]]" speech at American University in Washington, DC (10 June 1963) * I speak of peace, therefore, as the necessary rational end of rational men. '''I realize that the pursuit of peace is not as dramatic as the pursuit of war—and frequently the words of the pursuer fall on deaf ears. But we have no more urgent task.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]] in his "A Strategy of Peace" speech at American University in Washington, DC (10 June 1963) * '''Peace need not be impracticable, and war need not be inevitable. By defining our goal more clearly, by making it seem more manageable and less remote, we can help all peoples to see it, to draw hope from it, and to move irresistibly toward it.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]] in his "A Strategy of Peace" speech at American University in Washington, DC (10 June 1963) * '''Let us examine our attitude toward peace itself. Too many of us think it is impossible. Too many think it unreal. But that is a dangerous, defeatist belief. It leads to the conclusion that war is inevitable—that mankind is doomed—that we are gripped by forces we cannot control.''' We need not accept that view. '''Our problems are man made—therefore, they can be solved by man. And man can be as big as he wants. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]] in his "A Strategy of Peace" speech at American University in Washington, DC (10 June 1963) * '''The task of building the peace lies with the leaders of every nation, large and small.''' For the great powers have no monopoly on conflict or ambition. The [[Cold War|cold war]] is not the only expression of tension in this world — and the nuclear race is not the only arms race. Even little wars are dangerous in a nuclear world. '''The long labor of peace is an undertaking for every nation — and in this effort none of us can remain unaligned. To this goal none can be uncommitted.''' ** [[John F. Kennedy]] in his address to the United Nations General Assembly (20 September 1963) * We will not build a peaceful world by following a negative path. It is not enough to say "We must not wage war." It is necessary to love peace and sacrifice for it. We must concentrate not merely on the negative expulsion of war, but on the positive affirmation of peace. … We must see that peace represents a sweeter music, a cosmic melody that is far superior to the discords of war. Somehow we must transform the dynamics of the world power struggle from the negative nuclear arms race which no one can win to a positive contest to harness man's creative genius for the purpose of making peace and prosperity a reality for all of the nations of the world. In short, we must shift the arms race into a "peace race". If we have the will and determination to mount such a peace offensive, we will unlock hitherto tightly sealed doors of hope and transform our imminent cosmic elegy into a psalm of creative fulfillment. ** [[Martin Luther King, Jr]], in his [http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/peace/laureates/1964/king-lecture.html Nobel lecture] (11 December 1964) *We are all saddened by the [[W:Barbarism|barbarism]] of humanity. The most negative manifestation of [[free will]] is seen in outbursts of war. People refuse to think about the terrible currents they evoke by [[war|mass murder]] and the [[karma|consequences]] it will bring. The ancient Scriptures correctly warned that ''he who lives by the sword will perish by the sword''.<BR>There is a difference between the [[karma]] of [[aggression]] and that of [[defense]]. It can be shown how '''aggressors suffer the most grievous consequences'''... People delude themselves by thinking that great conquerors do not reap bad [[karma]] during their earthly lives... <BR>[[Aggression|Aggressors]] burden their karma not only by [[killing]] but also by [[pollution|polluting]] the atmosphere... The poisoning of [[Earth]] and of the other spheres is long-lasting. '''You who intrude into the lands of your neighbors, has no one told you the consequences of your [[W:fratricide|'fratricide?']]'''<BR>[[Masters of Wisdom|Our Abode]] has witnessed many wars, and We can testify how this [[evil]] is increasing in the most unexpected ways... How sad We are to see free will, which was bestowed as the Highest Gift, manifested in this horrible, uncontrolled way. 88. **[[w:Koot Hoomi|The Master Koot Hoomi]], in ''Supermundane'', [[Agni Yoga]] (1938) * All right. It's instinctive. But the instinct can be fought. We're human beings with the blood of a million savage years on our hands, but we can stop it. We can admit that we're killers, but we're not going to kill today. That's all it takes. Knowing that we won't kill today. Contact Vendikar. I think you'll find that they're just as terrified, appalled, horrified as you are, that they'll do anything to avoid the alternative I've given you. Peace or utter destruction. It's up to you. ** Gene L. Coon and Robert Hamner, William Shatner as [[Captain Kirk]] in [[Star Trek: The Original Series]] ''A Taste of Armageddon'' (1966) ===L=== * '''Make [[love]], not [[war]].''' ** [[w:Gershon Legman|Gershon Legman]] in his lecture ''Love and death (and schmutz): G. Legman's second thoughts'' held at the [[w:University of Ohio|University of Ohio]] in 1963. (According to Dudar, H. (1984, May 1) * '''We're trying to sell peace, like a product, you know, and sell it like people sell [[soap]] or [[Soft drink|soft drinks]]. And it's the only way to get people aware that peace is possible, and it isn't just inevitable to have violence. Not just war — all forms of violence.''' People just accept it and think 'Oh, they did it, or [[Harold Wilson]] did it, or [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]] did it,' they're always scapegoating people. And it isn't Nixon's fault. We're all responsible for everything that goes on, you know, we're all responsible for Biafra and [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]] and everything. So we're just saying "SELL PEACE" — anybody interested in peace just stick it in the window. It's simple but it lets somebody else know that you want peace too, because '''you feel alone if you're the only one thinking 'wouldn't it be nice if there was peace and nobody was getting killed.' So advertise yourself that you're for peace if you believe in it.''' ** [[John Lennon]], Interview on ''The David Frost Show'' (14 June 1969) * When we say "War is over if you want it," we mean that if everyone demanded peace instead of another TV set, we'd have peace. ** [[John Lennon]], during the [[w:Bed-In|Bed-In for Peace]] in [[w:Montreal|Montreal]], [[w:Canada|Canada]] (1 June 1969) * If you wish for peace, understand war. ** [[w:Basil Liddell Hart|Basil Liddell Hart]], ''Strategy'' (1967) * Ostendite modo bellum, pacem habebitis. ** You need only a show of war to have peace. ** [[Livy]], ''History'', VI. 18. 7. Same idea in [[Dion Chrysostom]], ''De Regn'', Orat. I. [[Syrus]], ''Maxims'', 465. * Peace! and no longer from its brazen portals<br> The blast of War's great organ shakes the skies!<br>But beautiful as songs of the immortals,<br> The holy melodies of love arise. ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''Arsenal at Springfield'' * Buried was the bloody hatchet;<br>Buried was the dreadful war-club;<br>Buried were all warlike weapons,<br>And the war-cry was forgotten.<br>Then was peace among the nations. ** [[Henry Wadsworth Longfellow]], ''The Song of Hiawatha'' (1855), Part XIII, line 7 ===M=== * Could I have but a line a century hence crediting a contribution to the advance of peace, I would gladly yield every honor which has been accorded me in war. ** [[Douglas MacArthur]], quoted in ''Macarthur and the American Century: A Reader'' (2001), edited by William M. Leary *Today the guns are silent. A great tragedy has ended. A great victory has been won. The skies no longer rain death; the seas bear only commerce. Men everywhere walk upright in the sunlight. The entire world is quietly at peace. The holy mission has been completed. And in reporting this to you, the people, I speak for the thousands of silent lips, forever stilled among the jungles and the beaches and in the deep waters of the Pacific which marked the way. I speak for the unnamed brave millions homeward bound to take up the challenge of that future which they did so much to salvage from the brink of disaster... Men since the beginning of time have sought peace. Various methods through the ages have attempted to devise an international process to prevent or settle disputes between nations. From the very start workable methods were found insofar as individual citizens were concerned, but the mechanics of an instrumentality of larger international scope have never been successful. Military alliances, balances of power, leagues of nations, all in turn failed, leaving the only path to be by way of the crucible of war. We have had our last chance. If we do not now devise some greater and more equitable system, Armageddon will be at our door. The problem basically is theological and involves a spiritual recrudescence and improvement of human character that will synchronize with our almost matchless advances in science, art, literature and all material and cultural developments of the past two thousand years, It must be of the spirit if we are to save the flesh. **[[Douglas MacArthur]], [https://ussmissouri.org/learn-the-history/surrender/general-macarthurs-radio-address/ radio address] (2 September 1945). * "Go, with a song of peace," said Fingal; "go, Ullin, to the king of swords. Tell him that we are mighty in war; that the ghosts of our foes are many." ** [[James Macpherson]] ("Ossian"), ''Carthon'', line 269. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * The constitution supposes, what the History of all Governments demonstrates, that the Executive is the branch of power most interested in war, & most prone to it. It has accordingly with studied care, vested the question of war in the Legislature. But the Doctrines lately advanced strike at the root of all these provisions, and will deposit the peace of the Country in that Department which the [[United States Constitution|Constitution]] distrusts as most ready without cause to renounce it. For if the opinion of the [[President of the United States|President]] not the facts & proofs themselves are to sway the judgment of Congress, in declaring war, and if the President in the recess of Congress create a foreign mission, appoint the minister, & negociate a War Treaty, without the possibility of a check even from the Senate, untill the measures present alternatives overruling the freedom of its judgment; if again a Treaty when made obliges the Legislature to declare war contrary to its judgment, and in pursuance of the same doctrine, a law declaring war, imposes a like moral obligation, to grant the requisite supplies until it be formally repealed with the consent of the President & Senate, it is evident that the people are cheated out of the best ingredients in their Government, the safeguards of peace which is the greatest of their blessings. ** [[James Madison]], letter to Thomas Jefferson (April 2, 1798, in Gaillard Hunt, ed., ''The Writings of James Madison'' vol. 6 (1906), p. 312–13. * It is a settled policy of America, that as peace is better than war, war is better than tribute. The United States, while they wish for war with no nation, will buy peace with none. ** [[James Madison]], letter to Wolcott Chauncy and William Shaler, summarizing the Treaty of 1815, which ended the Second Barbary War and, with it, the practice of the U.S. government paying tribute to pirate states, as quoted in [http://books.google.com/books?id=YMwRAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA46| History and Present Condition of Tripoli:] With Some Accounts of the Other Barbary States" by Robert Greenhow, published by T.W. White, 1835, page 46. * To have peace and not war, the drift toward a war economy, as facilitated by the moves and the demands of the sophisticated [[Conservatism|conservatives]], must be stopped; to have peace without slump, the tactics and policies of the practical right must be overcome. The political and economic power of both must be broken. The power of these giants of main drift is both economically and politically anchored; both [[Trade unions|unions]] and an independent labor party are needed to struggle effective. ** [[C. Wright Mills]] in "The New Men of Power" (1948) * The American elite does not have any real image of peace — other than as an uneasy interlude existing precariously by virtue of the balance of mutual fright. The only seriously accepted plan for peace is the full loaded pistol. In short, war or a high state of war-preparedness is felt to be the normal and seemingly permanent condition of the [[United States]]. ** [[C. Wright Mills]] in ''The Power Elite'' (1956) * '''Peace hath her victories</br>No less renowned than war.''' ** [[John Milton]], "Sonnett: To the Lord General [[Oliver Cromwell|Cromwell]]" (1652) * Peace hath her victories,<br>No less renowned than war. ** [[John Milton]], ''Sonnet'', ''To the Lord General Cromwell'' * This my dear friend is the one truly great contribution of my [[Wonder Woman]] strip to moral education of the young. The only hope for peace is to teach people who are full of pep and unbound force to enjoy being bound--enjoy submission to kind authority, wise authority, not merely tolerate such submission. Wars will only cease when humans enjoy being bound. **[[William Moulton Marston]] ''The Secret History of Wonder Woman'', (2014) by Jill Lepore, p. 238. * This my dear friend is the one truly great contribution of my Wonder Woman strip to moral education of the young. The only hope for peace is to teach people who are full of pep and unbound force to enjoy being bound--enjoy submission to kind authority, wise authority, not merely tolerate such submission. Wars will only cease when humans enjoy being bound. **[[William Moulton Marston]] ''The Secret History of Wonder Woman'', (2014) by Jill Lepore, p. 238. * We want no war of conquest…. War should never be entered upon until every agency of peace has failed. ** [[William McKinley]], Inaugural Address. Washington, March 4, 1897. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * This my dear friend is the one truly great contribution of my Wonder Woman strip to moral education of the young. The only hope for peace is to teach people who are full of pep and unbound force to enjoy being bound--enjoy submission to kind authority, wise authority, not merely tolerate such submission. Wars will only cease when humans enjoy being bound. **[[William Moulton Marston]] ''The Secret History of Wonder Woman'', (2014) by Jill Lepore, p. 238. *The American elite does not have any real image of peace — other than as an uneasy interlude existing precariously by virtue of the balance of mutual fright. The only seriously accepted plan for peace is the full loaded pistol. In short, war or a high state of war-preparedness is felt to be the normal and seemingly permanent condition of the United States. ** [[C. Wright Mills]], ''The Power Elite'' (1956) *Sous le régime de la libre concurrence, la guerre entre les producteurs de sécurité cesse totalement d’avoir sa raison d’être.&nbsp; Pourquoi se feraient-ils la guerre&#8239;?&nbsp; Pour conquérir des consommateurs&#8239;?&nbsp; Mais les consommateurs ne se laisseraient pas conquérir.&nbsp; Ils se garderaient certainement de faire assurer leurs personnes et leurs propriétés par des hommes qui auraient attenté, sans scrupule, aux personnes et aux propriétés de leurs concurrents.&nbsp; Si un audacieux vainqueur voulait leur imposer la loi, ils appelle<!--Page 290-->raient immédiatement à leur aide tous les consommateurs libres que menacerait comme eux cette agression, et ils en feraient justice.&nbsp; De même que la guerre est la conséquence naturelle du monopole, '''la paix est la conséquence naturelle de la liberté'''. **[[Gustave de Molinari]], [[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité#VIII|§VIII]] de «&#8239;[[s:fr:De la production de la sécurité|De la production de la sécurité]]&#8239;», ''[[w:Journal des économistes|Journal des économistes]]'' 22, no. 95 (Paris: Chez Guillaumin et c<small>^e</small>, 15 Février 1849), [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/297|pp. 289]]–[[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/298|280]].&nbsp; Cf. [[:fr:s:Page:Journal des économistes, 1849, T22.djvu/290|p. 282]]. **Under the rule of [[free]] [[competition]], [[war]] between the [[producers]] of [[security]] entirely loses its [[justification]].&nbsp; Why would they make war?&nbsp; To [[conquer]] consumers?&nbsp; But the consumers would not allow themselves to be conquered.&nbsp; They would be [[careful]] not to allow themselves to be protected by men who would unscrupulously [[attack]] the [[selves|persons]] and [[property]] of their [[rivals]].&nbsp; If some audacious conqueror tried to become [[dictator]], they would immediately call to their aid all the free [[consumers]] menaced by this [[aggression]], and they would treat him as he deserved.&nbsp; Just as war is the natural [[consequence]] of [[monopoly]], [[peace]] is the natural consequence of [[liberty]]. ***[[Gustave de Molinari]], tr. J.&nbsp;Huston McCulloch, [[s:The Production of Security/5|§V]] of ''[[The Production of Security]]'' (Auburn, AL: Ludwig von Mises Institute, 2009; orig. 1849), [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/60|p. 59]].&nbsp; Cf. [[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/35|pp. 34]]–[[s:Page:The Production of Security.pdf/36|35]]. * It is the oldest ironies that are still the most satisfying: man, when preparing for bloody war, will orate loudly and most eloquently in the name of peace. ** [[Alan Moore]], ‎John Higgins (2005), ''[[Watchmen]]'' * When after many battles past,<br>Both tir'd with blows, make peace at last,<br>What is it, after all, the people get?<br>Why! taxes, widows, wooden legs, and debt. ** [[Francis Moore]], Almanac. Monthly Observations for 1829, p. 23. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * '''We cannot have peace if we are only concerned with peace. War is not an accident. It is the logical outcome of a certain way of life. If we want to attack war, we have to attack that way of life.''' <br> Disarmament cannot be achieved nor can the problem of war be resolved without being accompanied by profound changes in the economic order and the structure of society. ** [[A. J. Muste]], as quoted in ''Our Generation Against Nuclear War'' (1983) by Dimitrios I. Roussopoulos, p. 430 ===N=== * War is necessary. War brings pain, but war is necessary. War brings peace, because war is necessary. Get your warriors up. ** {{w|Nas}}, "War is Necessary" (2008) ===O=== * Peace is far more preferable to war. … I believe that peace is the only path to true security. … And there is no question that the only path to peace is through [[negotiations]]. ** [[Barack Obama]], {{cite web|url=http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2013/03/21/remarks-president-barack-obama-people-israel |title=Remarks of President Barack Obama To the People of Israel at Jerusalem International Convention Center in Jerusalem, Israel |accessdate=2013-03-23 |date=March 21, 2013}} * So this is what America is prepared to do: Taking action against immediate threats, while pursuing a world in which the need for such action is diminished. The United States will never shy away from defending our interests, but we will also not shy away from the promise of this institution and its [[Universal Declaration of Human Rights]] — the notion that peace is not merely the absence of war, but the presence of a better life. ** [[Barack Obama]], [http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/2014/09/24/remarks-president-obama-address-united-nations-general-assembly Remarks by President Obama in Address to the United Nations General Assembly on September 24, 2014 in the United Nations General Assembly Hall, New York City, New York, USA] * Would you end war?<br> Create great Peace. ** [[James Oppenheim]], ''War and Laughter, 1914, And After'', IV * WAR IS PEACE. :* [[George Orwell]], ''Nineteen Eighty-Four'' (1949), p. 5. In the book, these three slogans of the Party were engraved on the Ministry of Truth building. * ''Adjuvat in bello pacatæ ramus olivæ.'' ** In war the olive branch of peace is of use. ** [[Ovid]], ''Epistolæ Ex Ponto'', I. 1. 31. ===P=== * Wars are often the cause of further wars because they fuel deep hatreds, create situations of injustice and trample upon people's dignity and rights. Wars generally do not resolve the problems for which they are fought and therefore, in addition to causing horrendous damage, they prove ultimately futile. War is a defeat for humanity. Only in peace and through peace can respect for human dignity and its inalienable rights be guaranteed. ** [[Pope John Paul II]], [http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/messages/peace/documents/hf_jp-ii_mes_08121999_xxxiii-world-day-for-peace_en.html Message for the celebration of XXXIII World Day of Peace], 8 December 1999, Chapter 3. * You bring me the deepest joy that can be felt by a man whose invincible belief is that [[Science]] and Peace will triumph over [[Ignorance]] and War, that nations will unite, not to destroy, but to build, and that the future will belong to those who will have done most for suffering humanity. ** [[Louis Pasteur]], speech at celebration honoring his seventieth birthday, the Sorbonne, Paris, France (December 27, 1892). Pasteur's son read the speech of thanks because of the weakness of his father's voice. René Vallery-Radot, ''The Life of Pasteur'', trans. Mrs. R. L. Devonshire, vol. 2 (1902), p. 297. On his 1956 Christmas card, Adlai E. Stevenson used a version of this passage which varies slightly from the arrangement and translation given above: "Not to destroy but to construct, / I hold the unconquerable belief / that science and peace will triumph over ignorance and war / that nations will come together / not to destroy but to construct / and that the future belongs to those / who accomplish most for humanity". * War its thousands slays,<br>Peace its ten thousands. ** [[Beilby Porteus]], ''Death'', line 178. Quotes reported in ''[[Wikisource:Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations (1922)|Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations]]'' (1922), p. 841-60. * Paix entre nous, guerre aux tyrans ** Peace among us, war to the [[tyrants]]! ** [[Eugène Edine Pottier]], ''[[The Internationale]]'' (1864) ===R=== * I, serial number 30743, Lieutenant General in reserves [[Yitzhak Rabin]], a soldier in the [[w:Israeli_Defense_Forces|Israeli Defense Forces]] and in the army of [[peace]], I, who have sent armies into fire and soldiers to their [[death]], say today: We sail onto a [[war]] which has no casualties, no wounded, no blood nor suffering. It is the only war which is a [[pleasure]] to participate in — the war for peace. ** [[Yitzhak Rabin]], Speech to the US Congress (26 July 1994) * Can we and all nations not live in peace? In our obsession with antagonisms of the moment, we often forget how much unites all the members of [[humanity]]. Perhaps we need some outside, universal threat to make us recognize this common bond. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an [[Extraterrestrial life|alien]] threat from outside this world. And yet, I ask you, is not an alien force already among us? What could be more alien to the universal aspirations of our peoples than war and the threat of war? ** [[Ronald Reagan]], United Nations General Assembly, 21 September 1987. * Cannot swords be turned to plowshares? Can we and all nations not live in peace? In our obsession with antagonisms of the moment, we often forget how much unites all the members of humanity. Perhaps we need some outside, universal threat to make us recognize this common bond. I occasionally think how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world. And yet, I ask you, is not an alien force already among us? What could be more alien to the universal aspirations of our peoples than war and the threat of war? ** [[Ronald Reagan]], Address to United Nations General Assembly, (21 September 1987) * '''When every young man refuses to go to war, you will have [[peace]]. As long as you fight for gain and greed, there will be no peace. As long as one person commits acts of violence for the sake of peace, you will have war.''' Unfortunately it is difficult to imagine that all the young men in all of the countries will refuse to go to war at the same time. And so you must work out what violence has wrought. Within the next hundred years, that time may come. '''Remember, you do not defend any idea with violence. There is no man who hates but that hatred is reflected outward and made physical. And there is no man who loves but that love is reflected outward and made physical.''' ** [[Jane Roberts]], in ''The Seth Material'' (1970), p. 274 * Wars are, of course, as a rule to be avoided; but they are far better than certain kinds of peace. ** [[Theodore Roosevelt]], ''Thomas Hart Benton'' (1897, reprinted 1968), chapter 12, p. 289. ===S=== * There are two sides of war. There is a side that fights, and there is a side that keeps the schools and the factories and the hospitals open. There is a side that is focused on winning battles, and there is a side that is focused on winning life. There is a side that leads the front-line discussion, and there is a side that leads the back-line discussion. There is a side that thinks that peace is the end of fighting, and there is a side that thinks that peace is the arrival of schools and jobs. There is a side that is led by men, and there is a side that is led by [[Women in war|women]]. And in order for us to understand how do we build lasting peace, we must understand war and peace from both sides. We must have a full picture of what that means. ** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''. * Beyond the worlds of war and peace, there is a field, and there are many women and men [who] are meeting there. Let us make this field a much bigger place. Let us all meet in that field. ** [[Zainab Salbi]], ''[https://www.ted.com/talks/zainab_salbi?language=en Zainab Salbi: Women, wartime and the dream of peace]'', speech at [[w:TED (conference)#TEDGlobal|TEDGlobal]] 2010, ''[[w:TED (conference)|TED]]''. * Pile the bodies high at Austerlitz and Waterloo.<br>Shovel them under and let me work—<br>I am the grass; I cover all.<br><br>And pile them high at Gettysburg<br>And pile them high at Ypres and Verdun.<br>Shovel them under and let me work.<br>Two years, ten years, and passengers ask the conductor:<br>What place is this?<br>Where are we now?<br><br>I am the grass.<br>Let me work. ** [[Carl Sandburg]], "Grass", first published in ''Cornhuskers'' (1918); republished in ''The Complete Poems of Carl Sandburg'', rev. and expanded ed. (1970), p. 136. * The memory of war weighs undiminished upon the people's minds. That is because deeper than material wounds, moral wounds are smarting, inflicted by the so-called peace treaties. … Material loss can be made up through renewed labor, but the moral wrong which has been inflicted upon the conquered peoples, in the peace dictates, leaves a burning scar on the people's [[conscience]]. … The [[w:Treaty_of_Versailles|Versailles Dictate]] cannot be an eternal document, because not only its economic, but also its spiritual and moral premises are wrong. ** [[Hjalmar Schacht]], On the [[w:Treaty of Versailles (1919)|Treaty of Versailles]], as quoted in ''Nazi Conspiracy and Aggression'' (1946) by the United States Department of State, Vol. 2, p. 754. * When children's children shall talk of War as a madness that may not be;<br>When we thank our God for our grief today, and blazon from sea to sea<br>In the name of the Dead the banner of Peace … that will be Victory. ** [[Robert W. Service]], ''The Song of the Pacifist''. * That it should hold companionship in peace<br>With [[Honor|honour]], as in war; since that to both<br>It stands in like request. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Coriolanus]]'' (c. 1607-08), Act III, scene 2, line 49 * To reap the harvest of perpetual peace,<br>By this one bloody trial of sharp war. ** [[William Shakespeare]], ''[[Richard III (play)|Richard III]]'' (c. 1591), Act V, scene 2, line 15 * If they want peace, they and their relatives must stop the war. ** [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=HzBCAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA367&dq=%22war+is+war+and+not+popularity+seeking%22++%221864%22&hl=en&sa=X&ei=mtOiVfTpC4uqogTytKPoBQ&ved=0CB0Q6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=%22war%20is%20war%20and%20not%20popularity%20seeking%22%20%20%221864%22&f=false letter to Henry W. Halleck] (September 1864). * You might as well appeal against the thunder-storm as against these terrible hardships of war. They are inevitable, and the only way the people of Atlanta can hope once more to live in peace and quiet at home, is to stop the war, which can only be done by admitting that it began in error and is perpetuated in pride. ** [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [[s:Letter to James M. Calhoun, et al., September 12, 1864|letter to the city council members of the City of Atlanta]] (12 September 1864). *I myself have seen in [[Missouri]], [[Kentucky]], [[Tennessee]], and [[Mississippi]], hundreds and thousands of women and children fleeing from [[Confederate States of America|your armies and desperadoes]], hungry and with bleeding feet. In [[Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]], [[w:Battle_of_Vicksburg|Vicksburg]], and Mississippi, '''we fed thousands upon thousands of the families of rebel soldiers left on our hands, and whom we could not see starve. Now [[American Civil War|that war]] comes home to you; you feel very different. You deprecate its horrors, but did not feel them when you sent car-loads of [[soldiers]] and ammunition, and moulded shells and shot, to carry war''' into Kentucky and Tennessee, to desolate the homes of hundreds and thousands of good people who only asked to live in peace at their old homes, and under the government of their inheritance. But these comparisons are idle. I want peace, and believe it can only be reached through union and war, and I will ever conduct war with a view to perfect and early success. **General [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], as quoted in [[s:Letter to James M. Calhoun, et al., September 12, 1864|letter to the members of the city council of the City of Atlanta]] (12 September 1864) *War is war, and not popularity-seeking. If they want peace, they and their relatives must stop the war. ** [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], [https://books.google.com/books?id=HzBCAAAAIAAJ&pg=PA367letter to Henry W. Halleck] (September 1864). * You cannot qualify war in harsher terms than I will. War is [[cruelty]], and you cannot refine it; and those who brought war into our country deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out. I know I had no hand in making this war, and I know I will make more sacrifices to-day than any of you to secure peace. But you cannot have peace and a division of our country. If the United States submits to a division now, it will not stop, but will go on until we reap the fate of [[Mexico]], which is eternal war. The United States does and must assert its authority, wherever it once had power; for, if it relaxes one bit to pressure, it is gone, and I believe that such is the national feeling. This feeling assumes various shapes, but always comes back to that of [[Union (United States)|Union]]. Once admit the Union, once more acknowledge the authority of the [[Federal government of the United States|national Government]], and, instead of devoting your houses and streets and roads to the dread uses of war, I and this army become at once your protectors and supporters, shielding you from danger, let it come from what quarter it may. I know that a few individuals cannot resist a torrent of error and passion, such as swept the [[Southern United States|South]] into rebellion, but you can point out, so that we may know those who desire a government, and those who insist on war and its desolation. ** [[William Tecumseh Sherman]], letter of September 12, 1864, to the Mayor and City Council of Atlanta, responding to their request that Sherman rescind his order to evacuate citizens from Atlanta; quoted in his ''Memoirs''. * Of a commonwealth, whose subjects are but hindered by terror from taking arms, it should rather be said, that it is free from war, than that it has peace. For '''peace is not mere absence of war, but is a virtue that springs from force of character''': for obedience is the constant will to execute what, by the general decree of the commonwealth, ought to be done. Besides that commonwealth, whose peace depends on the sluggishness of its subjects, that are led about like sheep, to learn but [[slavery]], may more properly be called a [[desert]] than a commonwealth. ** [[Baruch Spinoza]], ''Political Treatise'' (1677), [http://www.constitution.org/bs/poltr-00.htm ''Tractatus Politicus'' as translated by A. H. Gosset (1883)], Ch. 5, Of the Best State of a Dominion - [http://oll.libertyfund.org/?option=com_staticxt&staticfile=show.php%3Ftitle=1710&chapter=143847&layout=html&Itemid=27 Alternate site] (this is an unfinished work, left incomplete by Spinoza's death). ** This might be paraphrased in a similar statement quoted in recent works, including ''A Natural History of Peace'' (1996) by Thomas Gregor, p. 4, there cited as being from ''Tractatus Theologico-Politicus'' (1670), but without citations as to chapter or translation used: '''Peace is not an absence of war, it is a virtue, a state of mind, a disposition for benevolence, confidence, justice.''' ===T=== * Miseram pacem vel bello bene mutari. ** Even war is better than a wretched peace. ** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 44. * ''Miseram pacem vel bello bene mutari.'' ** A peace may be so wretched as not to be ill exchanged for war. *** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), III. 44 * ''Bellum magis desierat, quam pax cœperat.'' ** It was rather a cessation of war than a beginning of peace. *** [[Tacitus]], ''Annales'' (AD 117), IV. 1 * '''The distance at which it can strike, and the destructive power of such a ''quasi-intelligent'' [[machine]] being for all practical purposes unlimited, the gun, the armor of the [[w:Battleship|battleship]] and the wall of the fortress, lose their import and significance. One can prophesy with a [[Book of Daniel|Daniel]]'s confidence that skilled electricians will settle the battles of the near future.''' But this is the least. In its effect upon war and peace, electricity offers still much greater and more wonderful possibilities. '''To stop war by the perfection of engines of destruction alone, might consume centuries and centuries. Other means must be employed to hasten the end.''' ** [[Nikola Tesla]] ''A Means for Furthering Peace'' (1905) * If wars in the future are to be prevented the nations must be united in their determination to keep the peace under law.<br> Nothing is more essential to the future peace of the world than continued cooperation of the nations which had to muster the force necessary to defeat the conspiracy of the [[w:Axis_powers|Axis powers]] to [[World domination|dominate the world]].<br> While these great states have a special responsibility to enforce the peace, their responsibility is based upon the obligations resting upon all states, large and small, not to use force in [[international relations]] except in the defense of law. The responsibility of the great states is to serve and not to dominate the world ** [[Harry S. Truman]], Address Before a Joint Session of the US Congress (16 April 1945) * I believe that we have learned the importance of maintaining military strength as a means of preventing war. We have found that a sound military system is necessary in time of peace if we are to remain at peace. Aggressors in the past, relying on our apparent lack of military force, have unwisely precipitated war. Although they have been led to destruction by their misconception of our [[strength]], we have paid a terrible price for our unpreparedness. ** [[Harry S. Truman]], [http://www.presidency.ucsb.edu/ws/index.php?pid=13130 "Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe" (17 March 1948)]<!-- Online at The American Presidency Project by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley--> * The recommendations I have made represent the most urgent steps toward securing the peace and preventing war. We must be ready to take every wise and necessary step to carry out this great purpose. This will require assistance to other nations. It will require an adequate and balanced military strength. '''We must be prepared to pay the price for peace, or assuredly we shall pay the price of war We in the United States remain determined to seek peace by every possible means, a just and honorable basis for the settlement of international issues.''' ** [[Harry S. Truman]], "Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe" (17 March 1948)<!-- Online at The American Presidency Project by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley--> * The United States has a tremendous responsibility to act according to the measure of our power for good in the world. We have learned that we must earn the peace we seek just as we earned victory in the war, not by wishful thinking but by realistic effort. At no time in our history has unity among our people been so vital as it is at the present time. Unity of purpose, unity of effort, and unity of spirit are essential to accomplish the task before us. ** [[Harry S. Truman]], "Special Message to the Congress on the Threat to the Freedom of Europe" (17 March 1948)<!-- Online at The American Presidency Project by Gerhard Peters and John T. Woolley--> ===V=== * ''Igitur qui desiderat pacem, praeparet bellum.'' ** Therefore, whoever wishes for peace, let him prepare for war. ** [[w:Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus|Publius Flavius Vegetius Renatus]] in ''De Re Militari''. * ''Qui desiderat pacem, præparet bellum.'' ** '''He who desires peace will prepare for war.''' *** [[Vegetius]], in ''Epitoma Rei Militaris'' Book III, End of Prologue; in ''Hoyt's New Cyclopedia Of Practical Quotations'' (1922), p. 588-91, this is suggested as perhaps the origin of the proverb ''Si vis pacem, para bellum.'' [In time of peace prepare for war.] A similar thought also in Dion Chrysostom. Livy. VI. 18. 7. Cornelius Nepos—Epaminondas. V. Statius—Thebais. VII. 554. Syrus—Maxims. 465. ===U=== * Since wars begin in the minds of men, it is in the minds of men that the defences of peace must be constructed. ** Author unknown. Preamble to the constitution of [[w:UNESCO|UNESCO]], the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization. U.S. National Commission for UNESCO, UNESCO: Basic Documents, 7th ed., p. 9 (1965). The UNESCO office in Washington, D.C., has identified the author of this sentence both as [[Clement Richard Attlee]], prime minister of Great Britain, and more recently as [[Archibald MacLeish]], chairman of the American delegation to the London conference to draw up the UNESCO constitution, which was adopted in London on November 16, 1945. ===W=== * '''My first wish is to see this plague to mankind banished from off the [[Earth]], and the sons and Daughters of this world employed in more pleasing and innocent amusements, than in preparing implements and exercising them for the destruction of mankind:''' rather than quarrel about territory let the poor, the needy and oppressed of the Earth, and those who want [[Land]], resort to the fertile plains of our western country, the second Promise, and there dwell in peace, fulfilling the first and great commandment. ** [[George Washington]], letter to David Humphreys (25 July 1785), published in ''The Writings of George Washington'', edited by John C. Fitzpatrick, Vol. 28, pp. 202-3. The W. W. Abbot transcription (given at [http://founders.archives.gov/documents/Washington/04-03-02-0142 Founders Online]) differs slightly: *** My first wish is, to see this plague to Mankind banished from the Earth; & the Sons & daughters of this World employed in more pleasing & innocent amusements than in preparing implements, & exercising them for the destruction of the human race. * To be prepared for war is one of the most effectual means of preserving peace. ** [[George Washington]], speech to Both Houses of Congress. Jan. 8, 1790 * We do not with God's name make wanton play;<br> We are not on such easy terms with Heaven;<br>But in Earth's hearing we can verily say,<br> "Our hands are pure; for peace, for peace we have striven,"<br> And not by Earth shall he be soon forgiven<br>Who lit the fire accurst that flames to-day. ** Sir [[W. Watson]], ''To the Troubler of the World'' (Aug. 5, 1914). * When earth as if on evil dreams<br> Looks back upon her wars,<br>And the white light of [[Christ]] outstreams<br> From the red disc of [[Mars]],<br>His fame, who led the stormy van<br> Of battle, well may cease;<br>But never that which crowns the man<br> Whose victory was peace. ** [[John Greenleaf Whittier]], in "William Francis Bartlett" in ''Personal Poems'' (1888) * From time immemorial, people have talked about peace without achieving it. Do we simply lack enough experience? Though we talk peace, we wage war. Sometimes we even wage war in the name of peace. [...] A collective as well as individual gratification of [[unconscious]] impulses, war may be too much a part of [[human behavior]] to be eliminated—ever. ** [[Elie Wiesel]], "Are We Afraid of Peace?", ''Parade Magazine'', 19 March 1989; as reprinted in ''From the Kingdom of Memory: Reminiscences'' (1990), p. 225. * I am the friend of peace and mean to preserve it for America so long as I am able…. No course of my choosing or of theirs (nations at war) will lead to war. War can come only by the wilful acts and aggressions of others. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], Address to Congress. Feb. 26, 1917. * It is a fearful thing to lead this great peaceful people into war, into the most terrible and disastrous of all wars, civilization itself seeming to be in the balance. But the right is more precious than peace, and we shall fight for the things which we have always carried nearest our hearts—for democracy, for the right of those who submit to authority to have a voice in their own governments, for the rights and liberties of small nations, for a universal dominion of right by such a concert of free peoples as shall bring peace and safety to all nations and make the world itself at last free. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], War Message to Congress. April 2, 1917. * To such a task we can dedicate our lives and our fortunes, everything that we are and everything that we have, with the pride of those who know that the day has come when America is privileged to spend her blood and her might for the principles that gave her birth and happiness, and the peace which she has treasured. God helping her, she can do no other. ** [[Woodrow Wilson]], War Message to Congress. April 2, 1917. * A single inescapable fact; that mankind united with infinitely greater purpose in pursuit of war, than he ever did in pursuit of peace. ** Kurt Wimmer Father, ''[[Equilibrium (2002 film)|Equilibrium]]''. ===Z=== * '''Codification and mechanisms do not sufficiently ensure the right to peace. What is crucial is to develop a true culture of peace.''' This requires education for peace. Everyone – not only [[children]] – should be educated in [[compromise]], [[cooperation]], [[empathy]], [[solidarity]], [[compassion]], restoration and [[reconciliation]]. In short, we must learn respect for others and how to live in harmony, even if we agree to disagree. [[Negotiations|Negotiation]] and [[Meditation|mediation]] skills must be taught so as to prevent breaches of the peace and other forms of [[violence]]. A philosophical paradigm change is necessary, so that we are not caught in the old mind-set, in the prevailing culture of violence, the logic of war, aggressive attitudes, practices of economic exploitation and cultural [[imperialism]]. ** [[Alfred de Zayas]], United Nations Independent Expert on the [http://www.ohchr.org/EN/NewsEvents/Pages/DisplayNews.aspx?NewsID=13030&LangID=E Promotion of a Democratic and Equitable International Order (20 February 2013)] === ''[[Bible]]'' === :<small>[[Wikisource:Bible|''The Bible on Wikiquote'']]</small> * They shall beat their swords into ploughshares, and their spears into pruning-hooks: nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more. ** ''[[Isaiah]]'', 2:4; also in ''Joel'' 3:10, and ''Micah'' 4:3 * When He broke the second seal, I heard the second living creature saying, “Come.” And another, a red horse, went out; and to him who sat on it, it was granted to take peace from the earth, and that men would slay one another; and a great sword was given to him. ** Revelation 6:3-4 [[w:John the Evangelist|John the Evangelist]] ==See also== * [[Diplomacy]] * [[International law]] * [[International relations]] * [[Peace]] * [[Policy]] * [[Politics]] * [[Religion of peace]] * [[War]] [[Category:Peace]] [[Category:War]] 6d0j9m5ukl12m9r4kz9qbkgmf62cmao 0 178576 3954140 3953181 2026-06-18T13:08:40Z UDScott 4304 /* N */ 3954140 wikitext text/x-wiki __NOTOC__ This is a '''list of films:''' ---- [[List of films (A–C)##|#]] - [[List of films (A–C)#A|A]] - [[List of films (A–C)#B|B]] - [[List of films (A–C)#C|C]] - [[List of films (D–F)#D|D]] - [[List of films (D–F)#E|E]] - [[List of films (D–F)#F|F]] - [[List of films (G–I)#G|G]] - [[List of films (G–I)#H|H]] - [[List of films (G–I)#I|I]] - [[List of films (J–L)#J|J]] - [[List of films (J-L)#K|K]] - [[List of films (J-L)#L|L]] - [[List of films (M-O)#M|M]] - [[List of films (M-O)#N|N]] - [[List of films (M-O)#O|O]] - [[List of films (P–S)#P|P]] - [[List of films (P–S)#Q|Q]] - [[List of films (P–S)#R|R]] - [[List of films (P–S)#S|S]] - [[List of films (T–V)#T|T]] - [[List of films (T–V)#U|U]] - [[List of films (T–V)#V|V]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#W|W]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#X|X]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Y|Y]] - [[List of films (W–Z)#Z|Z]] ==Existing== ===M=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[M (1931 film)|M]]'' (1931) *''[[MacArthur (film)|MacArthur]]'' *''[[The Mad Magician]]'' *''[[Mad Max]]'' *''[[Mad Max: Fury Road]]'' *''[[Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior]]'' *''[[Mad Max III: Beyond Thunderdome]]'' *''[[Madagascar (2005 film)|Madagascar]]'' (2005) *''[[Madagascar 3: Europe's Most Wanted]]'' *''[[Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa]]'' *[[The Madagascar Penguins in a Christmas Caper|''Madagascar Penguins in a Christmas Caper'', ''The'']] *''[[Made in Britain]]'' *''[[Madea: Family Reunion]]'' *''[[Madeline (film)|Madeline]]'' *''[[The Madness of King George|Madness of King George, The]]'' *''[[The Magnetic Monster]]'' *[[The Magnificent Ambersons (film)|''Magnificent Ambersons'', ''The'']] *[[The Magnificent Seven|''Magnificent Seven'', ''The'']] *''[[Magnolia]]'' *''[[Major League]]'' *''[[Major Payne]]'' *''[[Make or Break]]'' *''[[Malcolm X (film)|Malcolm X]]'' *''[[Maleficent (film)|Maleficent]]'' *''[[Mallrats]]'' *[[The Maltese Falcon (1941 film)|''Maltese Falcon, The'']] (1941) *''[[Mama (2013 film)|Mama]]'' (2013) *[[A Man for All Seasons (1966 film)|''Man for All Seasons'', ''A'']] (1966) *[[The Man from Toronto (2022 film)|''Man from Toronto'', ''The'']] (2022) * ''[[Manic]]'' *[[The Man in the Iron Mask|''Man in the Iron Mask'', ''The'']] *[[The Man in the Moon|''Man in the Moon'', ''The'']] *''[[Man of the West]]'' *''[[Man of the Year]]'' *''[[Man on Fire]]'' *''[[Man on the Moon]]'' *''[[Man Who Fell To Earth]]'' *[[The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance|''Man Who Shot Liberty Valance'', ''The'']] *[[The Man Who Wasn't There|''Man Who Wasn't There'', ''The'']] *[[The Man with Two Brains|''Man with Two Brains'', ''The'']] *''[[Manchester by the Sea (film)|Manchester by the Sea, The]]'' *[[The Manchurian Candidate (1962)|''Manchurian Candidate'', ''The'']] (1962) *''[[Mangal Pandey: The Rising]]'' *''[[Manhattan (film)|Manhattan]]'' *[[The Manhattan Project (film)|''Manhattan Project'', ''The'']] *''[[Manhunter]]'' *''[[Mannequin]]'' *''[[Manos: The Hands of Fate]]'' *''[[The Man who would be King]]'' *[[The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh|''Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh'', ''The'']] *''[[The Many Saints of Newark]]'' *''[[Marathon Man]]'' *''[[Mardi Gras: Spring Break]]'' *''[[Margin Call]]'' *''[[Margot at the Wedding]]'' * ''[[Marie Antoinette (2006 film)|Marie Antoinette]]'' (2006) *''[[The Mark of Zorro (1920 film)|Mark of Zorro, The]]'' (1920) *''[[The Mark of Zorro (1920 film)|Mark of Zorro, The]]'' (1940) *''[[The Mark of Zorro (1974 film)|Mark of Zorro, The]]'' (1974) *''[[Marley & Me (film)|Marley & Me]]'' *''[[Marnie (film)|Marnie]]'' *''[[Marriage Story]]'' *''[[Mars Attacks!]]'' *''[[The Martian (film)|Martian, The]]'' *''[[Martin and Lewis (film)|Martin and Lewis]]'' *''[[Marty (film)|Marty]]'' *''[[Mary and Max]]'' *''[[Mary Poppins (film)|Mary Poppins]]'' * ''[[Mary Poppins Returns]]'' *''[[MASH (film)|MASH]]'' *''[[Mask (film)|Mask]]'' *''[[The_Mask_(film)|Mask, The]]'' *[[The Mask of Zorro|''Mask of Zorro'', ''The'']] *''[[The Masque of the Red Death (1964 film)|Masque of the Red Death, The]]'' *[[The Master (2012 film)|''Master'', ''The'']] (2012) *''[[Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World]]'' *''[[Master of the World (1961 film)|Master of the World]]'' (1961) *''[[Masters of the Universe (film)|Masters of the Universe]]'' *''[[Match Point]]'' *''[[Matewan]]'' *''[[Matilda (film)|Matilda]]'' *''[[Matilda the Musical (film)|Matilda the Musical]]'' (2022) *[[The Matrix|''Matrix'', ''The'']] *[[The Matrix Reloaded|''Matrix Reloaded'', ''The'']] *[[The Matrix Revolutions|''Matrix Revolutions'', ''The'']] *''[[Maverick (film)|Maverick]]'' *''[[Max Keeble's Big Move]]'' *''[[Max Payne]]'' *''[[MaXXXine]]'' *''[[May December]]'' *''[[Maya the Bee (2014 film)|Maya the Bee]]'' *''[[Maya the Bee: The Honey Games]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[The Maze Runner (film)|Maze Runner, The]]'' *''[[Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials]]'' *''[[Me And You And Everyone We Know]]'' *''[[Me, Myself & Irene]]'' *''[[Mean Girls]]'' *''[[Mean Machine]]'' *''[[Mean Streets]]'' *[[The Meaning of Life|''Meaning of Life'', ''The'']] *''[[Meatballs (film)|Meatballs]]'' *''[[Meet Dave]]'' *''[[Meet Joe Black]]'' *''[[Meet John Doe]]'' *''[[Meet Me in St. Louis]]'' *''[[Meet the Feebles]]'' *''[[Meet the Fockers]]'' *''[[Meet the Parents]]'' *''[[Meet the Robinsons]]'' *''[[Meet the Spartans]]'' *''[[The Meg|Meg, The]]'' *''[[Megamind]]'' *''[[Melancholia]]'' *''[[Melody (1971 film)|Melody]]'' (1971) *''[[Memento]]'' *''[[Memoirs of a Geisha (film)|Memoirs of a Geisha]]'' *''[[Men in Black]]'' *''[[Men in Black II]]'' *''[[Men in Black 3]]'' *''[[Men of Honor]]'' *[[The Men Who Stare At Goats|''Men Who Stare At Goats'', ''The'']] *''[[Merry Christmas, Drake & Josh]]'' *[[The Messenger (2009 film)|''Messenger'', ''The'']] (2009) *[[John Betjeman#Metro-Land (film, 1973)|''Metro-Land'']] (1973) *''[[Metropolis (1927 film)|Metropolis]]'' (1927) *''[[Metropolitan (1990 film)|Metropolitan]]'' (1990) *''[[Miami Vice (film)|Miami Vice]]'' *''[[Michael Clayton]]'' *''[[Mickey's Christmas Carol]]'' *''[[Mickey's House of Villains]]'' *''[[Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas]]'' *''[[Mickey's Magical Christmas: Snowed in at the House of Mouse]]'' *''[[Mickey's Twice Upon a Christmas]]'' *''[[Mickey, Donald, Goofy: The Three Musketeers]]'' *''[[Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life (film)|Middle School: The Worst Years of My Life]]'' *''[[Midnight Cowboy]]'' *''[[Midnight Express (film)|Midnight Express]]'' *''[[Midnight Run]]'' *''[[Midnight Sun (2018 film)|Midnight Sun]]'' (2018) *''[[Midsommar (film)|Midsommar]]'' *[[A Midsummer Night's Dream (1999 film)|''Midsummer Night's Dream'', ''A'']] (1999) *''[[Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie]]'' *[[A Mighty Wind|''Mighty Wind'', ''A'']] *''[[Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates]]'' *''[[Mike's New Car]]'' *''[[Mildred Pierce (film)|Mildred Pierce]]'' *''[[Milk]]'' *''[[Millers Crossing]]'' *''[[Million Dollar Baby]]'' *[[The Million Dollar Hotel|''Million Dollar Hotel'', ''The'']] *[[A Million Ways to Die in the West|''Million Ways to Die in the West'', ''A'']] *''[[Minari]]'' *''[[Minority Report (film)|Minority Report]]'' *''[[Miracle (film)|Miracle]]'' *''[[The Miracle of Morgan's Creek|Miracle of Morgan's Creek, The]]'' *''[[Miracle on 34th Street (1947 film)|Miracle on 34th Street]]'' (1947) *''[[Miracle on 34th Street (1994 film)|Miracle on 34th Street]]'' (1994) *[[The Mirror Has Two Faces|''Mirror Has Two Faces'', ''The'']] *''[[Mirrormask]]'' *''[[Misery (film)|Misery]]'' *''[[Miss Congeniality]]'' *''[[Miss Congeniality 2: Armed & Fabulous]]'' *''[[Miss March]]'' *''[[Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day]]'' *''[[Missing (film)|Missing]]'' *''[[Mission: Impossible (film)|Mission: Impossible]]'' *''[[Mission: Impossible II]]'' *''[[Mission: Impossible III]]'' *''[[Mission to Mars]]'' *''[[Mississippi Burning]]'' *''[[Mississippi Hare]]'' *''[[The Missouri Breaks|Missouri Breaks, The]]'' *[[The Mist (film)|''Mist'', ''The'']] *''[[Moana]]'' *''[[The Modelizer|Modelizer, The]]'' *''[[Molly's Game]]'' *''[[Mommie Dearest]]'' *''[[Mona Lisa Smile]]'' *[[The Money Pit|''Money Pit'', ''The'']] *''[[Money Talks]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Moneyball (film)|Moneyball]]'' *''[[Mongol]]'' *''[[The Monolith Monsters|Monolith Monsters, The]]'' *''[[Monster House]]'' *''[[The Monster of Piedras Blancas|Monster of Piedras Blancas, The]]'' *''[[Monster on the Campus]]'' *''[[The Monster That Challenged the World|Monster That Challenged the World, The]]'' *''[[Monsters, Inc.]]'' *''[[Monster's Ball]]'' *''[[Monsters University]]'' *''[[Monsters vs. Aliens]]'' *''[[Monty Python and the Holy Grail]]'' *''[[Moon Child]]'' *''[[Moonlight (2016 film)|Moonlight]]'' (2016) *''[[Moonlight Mile]]'' *''[[Moonrise Kingdom]]'' *''[[Moonstruck]]'' *''[[Morbius (film)|Morbius]]'' *''[[Mortal Kombat (2021 film)|Mortal Kombat]]'' (2021) *''[[Mother!]]'' *[[The Motorcycle Diaries|''Motorcycle Diaries'', ''The'']] *''[[Moulin Rouge!]]'' *''[[Mouse Trouble]]'' *''[[MouseHunt (film)|MouseHunt]]'' *''[[Movie 43]]'' * ''[[Mozart and the Whale]]'' *''[[Mr. Bean's Holiday]]'' *''[[Mr. Brooks]]'' *''[[Mr. Bug Goes to Town]]'' *''[[Mr Death: The Rise & Fall of Fred A Leuchter Jr.]]'' *''[[Mr. Deeds]]'' *''[[Mr. Destiny]]'' *''[[Mr. Holland's Opus]]'' *''[[Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium]]'' *''[[Mr. Mom]]'' *''[[Mr. & Mrs. Smith]]'' *''[[Mr. Peabody & Sherman]]'' *''[[Mr. Popper's Penguins (film)|Mr. Popper's Penguins]]'' *''[[Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]]'' *''[[Mrs. Doubtfire]]'' *''[[Mrs. Miniver (film)|Mrs. Miniver]]'' *''[[Mud (2012 film)|Mud]]'' (2012) *''[[Mudbound (film)|Mudbound]]'' *''[[Mulan]]'' * ''[[Mulan (2020 film)|Mulan]]'' (2020) *''[[Mulholland Dr.]]'' *''[[Mulholland Falls]]'' *''[[Multiple Maniacs]]'' *[[The Mummy|''Mummy'', ''The'']] *[[The Mummy Returns|''Mummy Returns'', ''The'']] *''[[Munich]]'' *''[[Muppet Treasure Island]]'' *[[The Muppets (film)|''Muppets'', ''The'']] *''[[Muppets from Space]]'' *[[The Muppet Movie|''Muppets Movie'', ''The'']] *''[[Murder, My Sweet]]'' *''[[Murder on the Orient Express (1974 film)|Murder on the Orient Express]]'' (1974) *''[[Music and Lyrics]]'' *''[[Mutiny on the Bounty (1935 film)|Mutiny on the Bounty]]'' (1935) *''[[Mutiny on the Bounty (1962 film)|Mutiny on the Bounty]]'' (1962) *''[[Muzzy in Gondoland]]'' *''[[My Best Friend's Wedding]]'' *''[[My Big Fat Greek Wedding]]'' *''[[My Bloody Valentine 3D]]'' *''[[My Blueberry Nights]]'' *''[[My Cousin Vinny]]'' *''[[My Darling Clementine]]'' *''[[My Dinner with Andre]]'' *''[[My Dog Skip (film)|My Dog Skip]]'' *''[[My Fair Lady]]'' *''[[My Favorite Year]]'' *''[[My First Summer]]'' *''[[My Girl (film)|My Girl]]'' *''[[My House in Umbria]]'' *''[[My Life Without Me]]'' *''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls (film)|My Little Pony: Equestria Girls]]'' *''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Friendship Games]]'' *''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Legend of Everfree]]'' *''[[My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow Rocks]]'' *''[[My Little Pony: The Movie (2017 film)|My Little Pony: The Movie]]'' *''[[My Man Godfrey]]'' *''[[My Own Private Idaho]]'' *''[[My Sassy Girl]]'' *''[[My Super Ex-Girlfriend]]'' *''[[My Super Psycho Sweet 16]]'' *''[[Mystery Men]]'' *''[[Mystery of Mamo]]'' *''[[Mystic Pizza]]'' {{Col-end}} ===N=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[Nacho Libre]]'' *''[[Nadja (film)|Nadja]]'' *''[[Naked (film)|Naked]]'' *[[The Naked City|''Naked City'', ''The'']] *[[The Naked Gun|''Naked Gun'', ''The'']] *''[[Nanny McPhee]]'' *''[[Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang]]'' *''[[Napoleon Dynamite]]'' *''[[Narc]]'' *''[[Nashville (film)|Nashville]]'' *''[[National Lampoon's Animal House]]'' *''[[National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation]]'' *''[[National Lampoon's European Vacation]]'' *''[[National Lampoon's Senior Trip]]'' *''[[National Lampoon's Vacation]]'' *''[[National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation]]'' *''[[National Treasure]]'' *''[[National Treasure: Book of Secrets]]'' *[[The Natural (film)|''Natural'', ''The'']] *''[[Natural Born Killers]]'' *[[The Naughty Nineties|''Naughty Nineties'', ''The'']] *''[[Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind]]'' *''[[Near Dark]]'' *''[[Nebraska (film)|Nebraska]]'' *''[[Needful Things (film)|Needful Things]]'' *[[The Negotiator|''Negotiator'', ''The'']] *''[[Neighbors (1981 film)|Neighbors]]'' (1981) *[[The Net|''Net'', ''The'']] {{Col-3}} *''[[Network (film)|Network]]'' *''[[Never Been Kissed]]'' *''[[Never Give a Sucker an Even Break]]'' *''[[Never Let Me Go (2010 film)|Never Let Me Go]]'' (2010) *[[The NeverEnding Story (film)|''NeverEnding Story'', ''The'']] *''[[New Jack City]]'' *''[[New Moon (2009 film)|New Moon]]'' (2009) *''[[News Of The World]]'' *''[[The New Romantic|New Romantic, The]]'' *''[[New York, New York (film)|New York, New York]]'' *''[[Newsies]]'' *''[[Next (2007 film)|Next]]'' (2007) *[[The Next Karate Kid|''Next Karate Kid'', ''The'']] *''[[Next of Kin (film)|Next of Kin]]'' (1989) *''[[Nice Dreams]]'' *''[[A Nice Girl Like You|Nice Girl Like You, A]]'' *''[[Nicholas & Alexandra]]'' *''[[Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist]]'' *''[[Nickel Boys]]'' *''[[Night at the Museum]]'' *''[[Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian]]'' *''[[Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb]]'' *[[A Night at the Opera|''Night at the Opera'', ''A'']] *[[A Night at The Roxbury|''Night at The Roxbury'', ''A'']] *''[[The Night is Young (2024 film)|Night is Young, The]]'' (2024) *''[[Night Moves (film)|Night Moves]]'' *''[[Night of the Comet]]'' *[[The Night of the Hunter (film)|''Night of the Hunter'', ''The'']] *''[[Night of the Zoopocalypse]]'' *''[[Night on Earth]]'' *''[[Night Shift (film)|Night Shift]]'' *''[[Night Train to Munich]]'' *[[The Nightmare Before Christmas|''Nightmare Before Christmas'', ''The'']] *[[A Nightmare on Elm Street (film)|''Nightmare on Elm Street'', ''A'']] (1984) *[[A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010 film)|''Nightmare on Elm Street'', ''A'']] (2010) *[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge|''Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge'', ''A'']] {{Col-3}} *[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors|''Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors'', ''A'']] *[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master|''Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master'', ''A'']] *[[A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child|''Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child'', ''A'']] *''[[Nim's Island]]'' *''[[Nine Dead]]'' *[[The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat|''Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat'', ''The'']] *''[[Nine to Five]]'' *''[[Ninotchka]]'' *''[[No Country for Old Men]]'' *''[[No Hard Feelings (2023 film)|No Hard Feelings]]'' (2023) *''[[No Strings Attached (film)|No Strings Attached]]'' *''[[No Way Out (1950 film)|No Way Out]]'' (1950) *''[[No Way Out (1987 film)|No Way Out]]'' (1987) *''[[Nobody's Fool]]'' *''[[Nomadland (film)|Nomadland]]'' *''[[Norbit]]'' *''[[North (1994 film)|North]]'' (1994) *''[[North by Northwest]]'' *''[[North Country (film)|North Country]]'' *''[[Nosferatu]]'' (1922) *''[[Nosferatu (2024 film)|Nosferatu]]'' (2024) *''[[Not Another Teen Movie]]'' *''[[Not Without My Daughter]]'' *[[The Notebook|''Notebook'', ''The'']] *''[[Notes on a Scandal (film)|Notes on a Scandal]]'' *''[[Nothing to Lose]]'' *''[[Notorious (film)|Notorious]]'' *''[[Notting Hill]]'' *''[[Now, Voyager]]'' *''[[Number 1 Cheerleader Camp]]'' * ''[[Nuremberg (2025 film)|Nuremberg]]'' (2025) *[[The Number 23|''Number 23'', ''The'']] *[[The Nutty Professor (1996 film)|''Nutty Professor'', ''The'']] (1996) *''[[Nutty Professor 2]]'' {{Col-end}} ===O=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *''[[O Brother, Where Art Thou?]]'' *''[[O Lucky Man!]]'' *[[The Object of My Affection|''Object of My Affection'', ''The'']] *''[[Oblivion (2013 film)|Oblivion]]'' (2013) *''[[Obsession (2025 film)|Obsession]]'' (2025) *''[[Ocean's Eleven|Ocean's Eleven]]'' (2001) *''[[Ocean's Thirteen]]'' *''[[Ocean's Twelve]]'' *''[[Office Christmas Party]]'' *''[[Office Space]]'' *[[An Officer and a Gentleman|''Officer and a Gentleman'', ''An'']] *''[[Oh, God!]]'' *''[[Oh, God! Book II]]'' *''[[Oh, God! You Devil]]'' *''[[Oklahoma (1955 film)|Oklahoma!]]'' (1955) *''[[Old School]]'' *''[[Old Yeller]]'' *''[[Oldboy]]'' *''[[Oliver & Company]]'' *''[[Olympus Has Fallen]]'' *[[The Omega Man|''Omega Man'', ''The'']] *[[The Omen|''Omen'', ''The'']] (1976) *[[The Omen (2006 film)|''Omen'', ''The'']] (2006) {{Col-3}} *''[[Omkara]]'' *''[[On Golden Pond (1981 film)|On Golden Pond]]'' (1981) *''[[On Her Majesty's Secret Service]]'' *''[[On Moonlight Bay]]'' *''[[Once Upon a Time in America]]'' *''[[Once Upon a Time in Hollywood]]'' *''[[Once Upon a Time in Mexico]]'' *''[[Once Upon a Time in the West]]'' *''[[Once Were Warriors]]'' *''[[One Battle After Another]]'' *''[[One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (film)|One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest]]'' *''[[One Hundred and One Dalmatians]]'' *''[[One Magic Christmas]]'' *''[[One Night in Miami...]]'' *''[[One True Loves]]'' *''[[Only the Brave (2017 film)|Only the Brave]]'' (2017) *''[[Only You (1994 film)|Only You]]'' (1994) *''[[On the Waterfront]]'' * [[Onward (film)|''Onward'']] *''[[Ooops! Noah Is Gone...]]'' *[[The Opening of Misty Beethoven|''Opening of Misty Beethoven'', ''The'']] *''[[Open Season]]'' *''[[Open Season 2]]'' *''[[Open Season 3]]'' {{Col-3}} *''[[Open Season: Scared Silly]]'' *''[[Open Water]]'' *''[[Opera Imaginaire]]'' *''[[Operation Dumbo Drop]]'' *''[[Operation Finale]]'' *[[The Opposite of Sex|''Opposite of Sex'', ''The'']] *''[[Orange County (film)|Orange County]]'' *''[[Orgazmo]]'' *''[[Original Sin]]'' *''[[Orphan (film)|Orphan]]'' *''[[Osmosis Jones]]'' *[[The Other Boleyn Girl (film)|''Other Boleyn Girl'', ''The'']] *[[The Other Guys|''Other Guys'', ''The'']] *''[[The Other Zoey|Other Zoey, The]]'' * [[Out of Africa (film)|''Out of Africa'']] *''[[Out of Sight]]'' *''[[Out of the Past]]'' *''[[Outbreak (film)|Outbreak]]'' *[[The Outlaw Josey Wales|''Outlaw Josey Wales'', ''The'']] *''[[Outside Providence (film)|Outside Providence]]'' *[[The Outsiders (film)|''Outsiders'', ''The'']] *''[[Over the Hedge]]'' *''[[Oz the Great and Powerful]]'' {{Col-end}} ==Requested== ===M=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Machine Gun Kelly]]'' * ''[[The Machinist|Machinist, The]]'' * ''[[The Mackintosh Man|Mackintosh Man, The]]'' * ''[[Made]]'' * ''[[Madea: Diary of a Mad Black Woman]]'' * ''[[Magadheera]]'' * ''[[The Majestic|Majestic, The]]'' * ''[[Maleficent: Mistress of Evil]]'' * ''[[Malena]]'' * ''[[Malev]]'' * ''[[Mamma Mia! (film)|Mamma Mia!]]'' * ''[[A Man Apart|Man Apart, A]]'' * ''[[Marie (film)|Marie]]'' * ''[[Marked for Death]]'' * ''[[Martian Child]]'' * ''[[Meet Bill]]'' {{col-3}} * ''[[Meet the Browns]]'' * ''[[Mehed ei nuta]]'' * ''[[Men at Work (1990)|Men at Work]]'' (1990) * ''[[Menace 2 Society]]'' * ''[[Message in a bottle]]'' * ''[[Mickey's Delayed Date]]'' * ''[[Mickey's Grand Opera]]'' * ''[[Mickey's Parrot]]'' * ''[[Mickey's Rival]]'' * ''[[Million Dollar Baby (1941 film)|Million Dollar Baby]]'' (1941) * ''[[Millions]]'' * ''[[The Mission (film)|Mission, The]]'' * ''[[Mission Impossible IV]]'' * ''[[Modern Problems]]'' * ''[[Mom's Got A Date With A Vampire]]'' * ''[[Monkeybone]]'' * ''[[Monsters (film)|Monsters]]'' * ''[[Monsters 2: Lost in New York]]'' * ''[[Monster's Ball]]'' * ''[[Monte Carlo (2011)|Monte Carlo]]'' (2011) * ''[[Mortal Thoughts]]'' * ''[[Moth and the Flame]]'' * ''[[Mr. 3000]]'' * ''[[Mr. Lucky]]'' {{col-3}} * ''[[Mr. Duck Steps Out]]'' * ''[[Mr. Mouse Takes a Trip]]'' * ''[[Mr. Popper's Penguins]]'' * ''[[Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle]]'' * ''[[Ms. 45 (a.k.a. Angel of Vengeance)]]'' * ''[[The Muse|Muse, The]]'' * ''[[Muppet*Vision 3D]]'' * ''[[Murderball]]'' * ''[[Murder Live]]'' * ''[[The Music Man (1962 film)|Music Man, The]]'' (1962) * ''[[The Music Man (2003 film)|Music Man, The]]'' (2003) * ''[[Mutual Appreciation]]'' * ''[[Muzzy Comes Back]]'' * ''[[My Fair Madeline]]'' * ''[[My Father's Dragon]]'' * ''[[My First Mister]]'' * ''[[My Magic Dog]]'' * ''[[My Name Is Khan]]'' * ''[[My Name Is Nobody]]'' {{Col-end}} ===N=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} *[[The Nativity Story|''Nativity Story'', ''The'']] *''[[Nancy Drew (2007 film)|Nancy Drew]]'' *[[Les Nanas|''Nanas'', ''Les'']] *''[[Never Back Down]]'' *[[Never Cry Wolf (film)|''Never Cry Wolf'']] *[[The New Guy|''New Guy'', ''The'']] *[[The New World (2005 film)|''New World'', ''The'']] (2005) *[[The New World (2011 film)|''New World'', ''The'']] (2011) *[[New World (2013 film)|''New World'']] (2013) *[[New York Minute (film)|''New York Minute'']] *[[Next! (1970 film)|''Next!'']] (1970) *[[Next (1990 film)|''Next'']] (1990)<!--[[Next (2007 film)]] is already listed in the existing section.--> {{col-3}} *''[[Next Friday]]'' *''[[Next Stop Wonderland]]'' *''[[Nick Offerman: An American Ham]]'' *''[[Nightmare at Bitter Creek]]'' *[[Nightmare Circus (film)|''Nightmare Circus'']] *''[[Nimed marmortahvlil]]'' *''[[Ninja Strike Force]]'' *[[The Ninth Gate|''Ninth Gate'', ''The'']] *''[[Nipernaadi]]'' *[[No Holds Barred (1952 film)|''No Holds Barred'']] (1952) *[[No Holds Barred (1989 film)|''No Holds Barred'']] (1989) *[[No Reservations (film)|''No Reservations'']] {{col-3}} *''[[Nothing (film)|Nothing]]'' *[[Now and Then (1979 film)|''Now and Then'']] (1979) *[[Now and Then (1995 film)|''Now and Then'']] (1995) *''[[Nukitsamees]]'' *''[[Numbers, What They Mean]]'' *''[[Nurse Betty]]'' *[[The Nut (1921 film directed by Theodore Reed)|''Nut'', ''The'']] (1921 film directed by Theodore Reed) *[[The Nut (1921 film directed by Marcel Perez)|''Nut'', ''The'']] (1921 film directed by Marcel Perez) *''[[Nutcracker: The Motion Picture]]'' *[[Nuts (1987 film)|''Nuts'']] (1987) *[[Nuts (2012 film)|''Nuts'']] (2012) *[[The Nutty Professor|''Nutty Professor'', ''The'']] ([[w:The Nutty Professor|1963]]) *[[The Nutty Professor (2008 film)|''Nutty Professor'', ''The'']] (2008) {{Col-end}} ===O=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-3}} * ''[[Oblivion (1994 film)|Oblivion]]'' (1994) * ''[[Odyssey of Persistence]]'' * ''[[O (film)|O]]'' * [[The Oh in Ohio|''Oh in Ohio'', ''The'']] * [[The Outside Chance of Maximilian Glick|''Outside Chance of Maximilian Glick'', ''The'']] * ''[[Outside Out]]'' * ''[[Out to Sea]]'' * ''[[Ön]]'' * [[On Dangerous Ground (1952 film)|''On Dangerous Ground'']] (1952) * [[On Dangerous Ground (1996 film)|''On Dangerous Ground'']] (1996) {{col-3}} * [[The One (2001 film)|''One'', ''The'']] (2001) * [[The One (2003 film)|''One'', ''The'']] (2003) * ''[[One Day In September]]'' * [[One Fine Day (film)|''One Fine Day'']] * ''[[One Special Night]]'' * [[One Trick Pony (film)|''One Trick Pony'']] * [[The Onion Movie|''Onion Movie'', ''The'']] * ''[[Operation Petticoat]]'' {{col-3}} * ''[[Opposites Attract]]'' * [[The Others (1974 films)|''Others'', ''The'']] (1974) * [[The Others (1997 films)|''Others'', ''The'']] (1997) * [[The Others (2001 films)|''Others'', ''The'']] (2001) * [[The Out-of-Towners (1970 film)|''Out-of-Towners'', ''The'']] (1970) * [[The Out-of-Towners (1999 film)|''Out-of-Towners'', ''The'']] (1999) * [[Overboard (film)|''Overboard'']] * [[The Oxford Murders (film)|''Oxford Murders'', ''The'']] {{Col-end}} == Notes == '''When adding a title to the Requested section, please check first to see if it is already in the list (either under the main or the Requested section).''' If it isn't, you might also check to see if the article exists (by entering the title in the Search box and pressing Go), as some editors may have forgotten to add their new film articles to this list. '''When you add a title to this list, please add it in proper alphabetical order within the appropriate section.''' When creating a page for a film, please include the year the film was released and list key creators of the film, as well as the quotations from it. After the quotations, please provide a list of major members of the cast. Links to the [[w:Internet Movie Database|IMDb]] and other sites with reviews or trailers can all be helpful additions. See this article's [[Talk:List of films|discussion page]] and [[Wikiquote talk:Templates#Films & TV Shows|Templates#Films & TV Shows]] for discussions and examples of formats for film articles. After a film article has been created, the link on this page will be blue. Please move these titles into the main (existing article) section after creating the show article. If you would like Wikiquote to be the ultimate resource for film quotations, please help us expand film articles that need attention, which are listed at [[:Category:Film stubs|Film stubs]] and [[:Category:Film cleanup|Film cleanup]] [[:Category:Wikiquote maintenance|categories]]. ==See also== {{media lists}} * [[w:AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes|AFI's 100 Years...100 Movie Quotes]] (greatest movie quotes) *[[List of films (A–C)]] *[[List of films (D–F)]] *[[List of films (G–I)]] *[[List of films (J–L)]] *[[List of films (P–S)]] *[[List of films (T–V)]] *[[List of films (W–Z)]] [[Category:Films|*]] [[Category:Lists|films]] [[Category:Lists of films]] fu3ttazbdd4jetgoa6au4sjnt8s9xld 0 179902 3954297 3935205 2026-06-18T21:30:09Z ~2026-30384-36 3326024 3954297 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Great Muppet Caper|The Great Muppet Caper]]''''' is a [[w:1981 in film|1981]] American British mystery musical comedy film in which Kermit the Frog, Fozzie Bear and Gonzo are reporters who travel to Britain to interview a rich victim of jewel thieves and help her along with her secretary, Miss Piggy. :''Directed by [[Jim Henson]]. Written by [[w:Jerry Juhl|Jerry Juhl]], Tom Patchett, [[w:Jack Rose (screenwriter)|Jack Rose]], and [[w:Jay Tarses|Jay Tarses]].'' == Miss Piggy == * ''[to Nicky]'' You! It was you! Kermit was right! You are bulking! You are talking! Yes, you are! And you know what, you can't even sing! Your voice was dubbed! * Next time they want stunts, they get a double. == Dialogue == :''[First lines]'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[in a hot air balloon]'' Pretty nice up here, isn't it? :'''Fozzie Bear''': Kermit? What if we drift out to sea? What if we're never heard from again? What if there's a storm? Or - we get struck by lightning? :'''Gonzo''': That would be neat. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Listen, nothing's going to happen. These are just the opening credits. :'''Fozzie Bear''': Oh. Where are they? ''[title card appears]'' Wow! :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''The Great Muppet Caper''. :'''Fozzie Bear''': Nice title. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fozzie Bear''': ''[pleading]'' We'll do better next time. :'''News Editor''': Next time? Next time?! ''[pounds fist into desk]'' What makes you think there's gonna be a next time? :'''Kermit the Frog''': Well, if there isn't, it's gonna be a real short movie. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fozzie Bear''': What does "BSC" stand for? :'''Kermit the Frog''': I don't know. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lady Holiday has just given Miss Piggy the entire backstory for the movie]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': Why are you telling me all this? :'''Lady Holiday''': It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Kermit is sitting on a bench; a man and his daughter, Jerry Nelson and Christine, walk by]'' :'''Christine''': Look, Dad. There's a bear. :'''Jerry Nelson''': No, Christine, that's a frog. People wear hats. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Piggy''': Please don't go. Kermit, please. Oh, please, I'm sorry. Please! Please! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Piggy, hold it. :'''Miss Piggy''': Please! Please! Please! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Miss Piggy...? Miss Piggy? You're overacting. :'''Miss Piggy''': ...What? :'''Kermit the Frog''': You'e overacting. You're having it up. :'''Miss Piggy''': I am not. I am trying to save this movie. :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[getting annoyed]'' Oh, yeah? Well, save your performance instead. :'''Miss Piggy''': I am playing eight hundred different emotions! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Well, try to play one of them right. :'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, oh! I have a career of my own. :'''Kermit the Frog''': I know all about your career, Pig. :'''Miss Piggy''': I don't need this lousy duck pond. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Sure, you don't need a lousy duck pond. :'''Miss Piggy''': I will just walk. :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[angrily]'' OK, sure. Go ahead and walk. :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[briefly turning to the camera]'' Should I walk? Then I'll walk! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Walk! Go ahead and walk! ''[Miss Piggy turns away and whimpers]'' Oh, Miss Piggy. ''[sighs]'' Listen. :'''Miss Piggy''': [in tears] I'm doing my best. :'''Kermit the Frog''': Well... I know you are. ''[moves in to comfort her]'' Piggy, I'm sorry. We got to get back to the movie, though. :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[trying to collect herself]'' All right. All right, all right, all right. ''[heaves a heavy sigh and resumes acting]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Nicky Holiday''': Miss Piggy...You're a very different looking woman. I'm so tired of the same type, those tall thin creatures with the long legs, the aquiline noses, the teeth like pearls, soft skin... :'''Miss Piggy''': Yeah, well, I can see where that might make you sick to your stomach. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': ''[to Cops got Miss Piggy takes her away]'' Don't worry Miss Piggy, will you get out of this?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': Now if we want to get Miss Piggy out of jail, we're going to have to catch those thieves red-handed. ''[Beauregard raises his hand]'' Yes, Beau? :'''Beauregard''': What color are their hands now? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[to the truck driver]'' Do you know where Lady Holliday's Baseball Diamond is being kept? :'''Truck Driver''': Well, funny enough, I do: it's at the Mallory Gallery, a virtually impregnable fortress many miles from here. :'''Miss Piggy''': Oh! I only have a half an hour to get there! :'''Truck Driver''': On foot? You'll never make it. :'''Miss Piggy''': I know! How about a ride? :'''Truck Driver''': You can read, I presume? "No passengers." ''[points to the sticker on the truck's door]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': Oh, could you make an exception for little old moi? :'''Truck Driver''': Not even for little old vous. ''[laughs]'' :'''Miss Piggy''': Pretty please? :'''Truck Driver''': No! :'''Miss Piggy''': ''[strained]'' I've tried to be nice. :'''Truck Driver''': Huh? :'''Miss Piggy''': Hii-yahh! ''[throws the driver out of his truck and into the garbage cans]'' :'''Oscar the Grouch''': ''[emerges from a trash can]'' Hey, what's all the racket? :'''Truck Driver''': What are you doing here? :'''Oscar the Grouch''': A very brief cameo. :'''Truck Driver''': Me too. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nicky has just captured the Baseball Diamond and Kermit, pulling a gun on the other Muppets]'' :'''Kermit the Frog''': But, Nicky, Why are you doing this? :'''Nicky Holiday''': Why am I doing this? Because I'm a villain, pure and simple. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Statler''': Well i say, All's well that ends well. :'''Waldorf''': Well, it doesn't matter to me, as belong as it ends. == Cast == * [[w:Charles Grodin|Charles Grodin]] - Nicky Holiday * [[w:Diana Rigg|Diana Rigg]] - Lady Holiday * Erica Creer - Marla * Kate Howard - Carla * Della Finch - Darla * [[w:Joan Sanderson|Joan Sanderson]] - Dorcas * [[w:Michael Robbins|Michael Robbins]] - Henderson * [[w:Peter Hughes (actor)|Peter Hughes]] - Stanley * Peggy Aitchison - a guard * [[w:Tommy Godfrey|Tommy Godfrey]] - a bus conductor (final film role) ==The Muppet performers== * [[Jim Henson]] - [[w:Kermit the Frog|Kermit the Frog]], Timmy Monster, [[w:Rowlf the Dog|Rowlf the Dog]], [[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Dr. Teeth|Dr. Teeth]], [[w:Statler and Waldorf|Waldorf]], [[w:Swedish Chef|The Swedish Chef]], [[w:The Newsman|The Newsman]] and Lubbock Lou * Frank Oz - Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Animal, Sam the Eagle and Gramps * Jerry Nelson - Crazy Harry, Floyd Pepper, Louis Kazagger, Pops, Lew Zealand and Slim Wilson * Richard Hunt - Scooter, Statler, Beaker, Boppity, Janice, Sweetums and Bubba * Dave Goelz - The Great Gonzo, Luncheon Counter Monster, Beauregard, Zoot and Dr. Bunsen Honeydew * [[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]] - Robin the Frog, [[w:Rizzo the Rat|Rizzo the Rat]], [[w:Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem#Lips|Lips]] and Zeke * Louise Gold as Annie Sue Pig and Lou ==Guest stars== * [[w:Caroll Spinney|Caroll Spinney]] as Oscar the Grouch from ''[[w:Sesame Street|Sesame Street]]'' * [[John Cleese]] as Neville, a middle-aged British homeowner who lives with his wife Dorcas at 17 Highbrow Street. * [[w:Peter Falk|Peter Falk]] - a Man in Park * [[Robert Morley]] - a British Gentleman by Pond * [[w:Jack Warden|Jack Warden]] - Michael Tarkenian, the editor-in-chief of ''The Daily Chronicle''. * [[Peter Ustinov]] - a Truck Driver ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=0082474|title=The Great Muppet Caper}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=great_muppet_caper|title=The Great Muppet Caper}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Great Muppet Caper, The}} [[Category:1981 films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:Independent films]] [[Category:Films set in hotels]] [[Category:The Muppets films]] [[Category:Films directed by Jim Henson]] klwwmgqd67j7gsztzo79h4zatt1xqs4 0 179903 3954299 3935209 2026-06-18T21:36:05Z ~2026-30384-36 3326024 3954299 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Muppets Take Manhattan|The Muppets Take Manhattan]]''''' is a [[w:1984 in film|1984]] American musical comedy film directed by [[w:Frank Oz|Frank Oz]]. It is the third of a series of live-action musical feature films starring [[Jim Henson]]'s Muppets. The film was produced by [[w:The Jim Henson Company|Henson Associates]] and [[w:Columbia Pictures|Columbia Pictures]], and was filmed on location in New York City during the summer of 1982 and released theatrically the following summer. It was the first film to be directed solely by Oz (who also performs Bert, Cookie Monster, Sam the Eagle, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy and Animal), as he previously co-directed ''[[The Dark Crystal]]'' with Henson. == Dialogue == :''[Martin Price holds a gun on Gonzo's chicken]'' :'''Martin Price''': Get back or the chicken gets it! :'''Police Officer''': That's a threat? :'''Gonzo''': Please don't hurt her, take me! :'''Martin Price''': Whatever you say, pal! ''[grabs Gonzo's nose and pulls him up hostage as well]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rizzo the Rat''': What's this supposed to be? :'''Pete''': It's grits! Grits! Hominy grits! :'''Rizzo the Rat''': How should I know how many? Count 'em yourself. <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Muppet Babies fantasy]'' :'''Baby Kermit''': ''[singing]'' She's gonna be a movie star. And she's gonna learn to drive a car; she's gonna be a veterinarian, too. :'''Baby Piggy''': ''[to Kermit]'' And I'm gonna always love you-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! :'''Baby Fozzie''': Well, she's gonna be a singer, whoa-whoa-whoa! :'''Baby Scooter''': And she's gonna learn to fly a plane! :'''Baby Rowlf''': She'll be a doctor of diseases and help you with your sneezes... :'''Baby Gonzo''': ...and practice neurosurgery on your brain! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Masterson Rat is infatuated with [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]]]'' :'''Brooke Shields''': Is something wrong? :'''Masterson Rat''': Do you believe in interspecies dating? :'''Brooke Shields''': Well, I've dated some rats before, if that's what you mean. :''[Masterson faints]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Policeman''': Hey! Watch it! :'''Kermit the Frog''': Oh, sorry. I gotta get a contract so I can go out and kill 'em. ''[leaves]'' :'''Policeman''': ''[dismissed his suspicion after a moment]'' Nah. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ronnie Crawford''': Dad! Dad! I've got great news! :'''Bernard''': ''[sees Kermit]'' If you two are in love, I don't wanna know about it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kermit the Frog''': Way to go, buddy. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gonzo''': Excuse me? I'm looking for a frog that can sing and dance! :'''[[Ed Koch]]''': If he can balance the budget too, I'll hire him! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Last lines; Muppets cheers and laughs offscreen during the end of the credits]'' :'''Animal''': Together again. Bye-bye. Hasta luego. ==Cast== * [[w:Louis Zorich|Louis Zorich]] - Pete * [[w:Juliana Donald|Juliana Donald]] - Jenny * [[w:Lonny Price|Lonny Price]] - Ronnie Crawford * [[w:Cheryl McFadden|Cheryl McFadden]] - Nancy * [[w:Graham Brown (actor)|Graham Brown]] - Mr. Wrightson * Gary Tacon - Thief in Central Park * Joe Jamrog - Police officer in Central Park * Heather Henson - Beer hall serving girl === Muppet Performers === * [[Jim Henson]] - Kermit the Frog, Rowlf the Dog, Dr. Teeth, The Swedish Chef, The Newsman, Waldorf, Ernie, Bobo the Bear, Jim the Dog, Clyde, Baby Kermit and Baby Rowlf * Frank Oz - Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle, Bert, Cookie Monster, Baby Fozzie, Baby Piggy and Bear * Jerry Nelson - Crazy Harry, Camilla the Chicken, Floyd Pepper, Pops, Lew Zealand and Bear * Richard Hunt - Scooter, Beaker, Janice, Statler, Bear and Baby Scooter * Dave Goelz - Bill the Frog, The Great Gonzo, Chester the Rat, Zoot, Bear, Penguin, Beauregard, Luncheon Counter Monster, Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and Baby Gonzo * [[w:Steve Whitmire|Steve Whitmire]] - Rizzo the Rat, Gill the Frog, Dog and Bear * Bruce Hall - Masterson the Rat * [[w:Kathryn Mullen|Kathryn Mullen]] - Jill the Frog, Bear * [[w:Karen Prell|Karen Prell]] - Yolanda the Rat, Beth Bear, Frank the Dog and Bear * Brian Muehl - Tattooey the Rat ===Cameo guest stars=== * [[w:Frances Bergen|Frances Bergen]] - Mr. Winesop's receptionist * [[w:Art Carney|Art Carney]] - Bernard Crawford * [[w:James Coco|James Coco]] - Mr. Skeffington * [[w:Dabney Coleman|Dabney Coleman]] - Mister Martin Price and Murray Plotsky * [[w:Gregory Hines|Gregory Hines]] - a roller skater * [[Ed Koch|Edward I. Koch]] - himself * [[w:John Landis|John Landis]] - Lenny Winesop * [[w:Linda Lavin|Linda Lavin]] - Kermit's doctor * [[w:David Lazer|David Lazer]] - Sardi's customer * [[Liza Minnelli]] - herself * [[Joan Rivers]] - Eileen * Vincent Sardi, Jr. - himself * [[w:Brooke Shields|Brooke Shields]] - Pete's Diner patron ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Muppets Take Manhattan, The}} [[Category:1984 films]] [[Category:1980s American films]] [[Category:Musical comedy films]] [[Category:Children's comedy films]] [[Category:Films about amnesia]] [[Category:The Muppets films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Films directed by Frank Oz]] gaz29wxwdd94lm1v3rslcz42bc4wf6i 10 182618 3954136 3737629 2026-06-18T12:51:12Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 3954136 wikitext text/x-wiki <noinclude>{{italic title}}{{Wikipedia|Despicable Me}}{{clear}}</noinclude><div style="margin:1em auto; width:348px;border:2px solid orange"> {| |- |style="background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=center colspan=2|[[File:Despicable Me logo.svg|150px|center]] |- |style="background:orange;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=right|<span style="color:#483C32;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Films&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span> |style="background:#FFEFD5;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#483C32;">''[[Despicable Me|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me</span>]]'' (2010) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Despicable Me 2|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me 2</span>]]'' (2013) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Despicable Me 3|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me 3</span>]]'' (2017) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Despicable Me 4|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me 4</span>]]'' (2024) &nbsp;</span> |- |style="background:orange;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=right|<span style="color:#483C32;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Spin&#8209;offs&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span> |style="background:#FFEFD5;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#483C32;">''[[Minions (film)|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Minions</span>]]'' (2015) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Minions: The Rise of Gru|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Minions: The Rise of Gru</span>]]'' (2022) &nbsp;</span> <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Minions & Monsters|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Minions & Monsters</span>]]'' (2026) &nbsp;</span> |}</div><noinclude>[[Category:Animated film series navigational templates]]</noinclude> 0noa89hugkaoe31ndcvskjokkx7gdof 3954137 3954136 2026-06-18T12:52:03Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 3954137 wikitext text/x-wiki <noinclude>{{italic title}}{{Wikipedia|Despicable Me}}{{clear}}</noinclude><div style="margin:1em auto; width:348px;border:2px solid orange"> {| |- |style="background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=center colspan=2|[[File:Despicable Me logo.svg|150px|center]] |- |style="background:orange;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=right|<span style="color:#483C32;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Films&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span> |style="background:#FFEFD5;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#483C32;">''[[Despicable Me|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me</span>]]'' (2010) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Despicable Me 2|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me 2</span>]]'' (2013) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Despicable Me 3|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me 3</span>]]'' (2017) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Despicable Me 4|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Despicable Me 4</span>]]'' (2024) &nbsp;</span> |- |style="background:orange;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" align=right|<span style="color:#483C32;">'''&nbsp;&nbsp;Spin&#8209;offs&nbsp;&nbsp;'''</span> |style="background:#FFEFD5;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#483C32;">''[[Minions (film)|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Minions</span>]]'' (2015) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Minions: The Rise of Gru|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Minions: The Rise of Gru</span>]]'' (2022) <big>'''·'''</big> ''[[Minions & Monsters|<span style="color:#EC5800;">Minions & Monsters</span>]]'' (2026) |}</div><noinclude>[[Category:Animated film series navigational templates]]</noinclude> 99m8x0uvo9r1i1ck6bvk6y7b6puc67z 0 183374 3954243 3848174 2026-06-18T18:48:43Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 3954243 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Toy Story Toons}}''''' is a series of short [[animated]] [[films]] based on the [[w:Toy Story (franchise)|''Toy Story'' franchise]]. The series' plotline begins after ''[[Toy Story 3]]''. The films are set at Bonnie's house, the new home of Andy's toys. As of [[2014]], three shorts have been released as part of the series: ''[[#Hawaiian Vacation %5B1%5D|Hawaiian Vacation]]'' and ''[[#Small Fry %5B2%5D|Small Fry]]'' in [[2011]], and ''[[#Partysaurus Rex %5B135D|Partysaurus Rex]]'' in [[2012]]. A fourth short, titled ''Mythic Rock'', which was to be about the titular rock band trying to attack Bonnie’s toys, was [[rumor|rumoured]] in [[2013]]. The main reason is because the creators chose to not release the fourth one since it would have to be about “a rock band that attacks people”. Bob Peterson said this in a 2017 interview: “Well, you know, Mythic Rock might’ve actually dealt with how the rock band, Mythic Rock, would attack Bonnie’s toys. This was really impossible to release it because of how it had too much “graphic violence” when it had the rock band named after the short attack each and every toy that belongs Bonnie, and could’ve found its own spot to play its [[mythological | mythology]] [[music]]. Also, the plot was to have been about the rock band attacking Bonnie’s toys.” — Bob Peterson ==''Hawaiian Vacation''== [[File:Happy City 4 vc.jpg|thumb|Actually, I had an [[uncle]] who was a [[pilot]].<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Hamm|Hamm]]}}]] [[File:Mokuaeae.jpg|thumb|Hay-way-eye!<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[Buzz Lightyear]]}}<br />It's [[Hawaii]], Buzz.<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[w:Sheriff Woody|Sheriff Woody]]}}]] {{small|'''''[[w:Hawaiian Vacation|Hawaiian Vacation]]''''' is a 2011 [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] [[w:computer animation|computer-animated short]].&nbsp; First debuted and screened in [[theaters]] with Pixar's ''[[Cars 2]]'', it is the first short in the ''Toy Story Toons'' series.&nbsp; Following the events of ''[[Toy Story 3]]'', the [[toys]] in Bonnie's room throw Barbie and Ken a Hawaiian [[vacation]].}} :{{small|''Story by Erik Benson and [[w:Christian Roman|Christian Roman]].&nbsp; Screenplay by Erik Benson, Jason Katz, [[w:Gary Rydstrom|Gary Rydstrom]].&nbsp; Directed by Gary Rydstrom.''}} === Dialogue (1) === :'''Woody''': Okay, it's 2:00. The bell at Sunnyside has rung, and Bonnie is officially on her Winter break! ''[toys cheer]'' Soon she'll be flying off to- :'''Buzz''': Hay-way-eye! :'''Woody''': It's Hawaii, Buzz. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Thank you all for coming to the audition. #1, action. :'''Alien #1''': Ooooh. :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Dreadful. Next. :'''Alien #2''': ''[same inflection]'' Ooooh. :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Horrifying. Next. :'''Alien #3''': ''[same inflection]'' Ooooh. :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Brilliant! <hr width=50%> :'''Woody''': ''[to Slinky]'' Ready to lose at checkers, Slink? :'''Slinky Dog''': ''[to Woody]'' When pigs fly. :'''Hamm''': ''[to Buttercup]'' Actually, I had an uncle who was a pilot. :'''Buttercup''': Really? :'''Hamm''': No, not really. :''[Barbie and Ken emerged out of Bonnie's backpack in Hawaiian summer garb]'' :'''Ken''': Here's your bag, Barbie. You can put my luggage right here. :'''Barbie''': Ken, this is so exciting! :'''Ken''': Picture! Say "sunscreen". :'''Barbie''': Sunscreen! :'''Ken''': Perfect. Ka-click! :'''Woody''': Barbie, Ken? :'''Ken''': Woody? Hey, you guys are in Hawaii too! Groovy. We stowed away in Bonnie's backpack. How did you guys get here? :'''Woody''': Ken, this is Bonnie's bedroom. :''[Camera goes toward Ken like a Vertigo effect]'' :'''Ken''': ''[takes off his sunglasses]'' Uh, what? :''[Car honks]'' :'''Bonnie''': And there she goes. :'''Ken''': ''[runs to the window]'' No! No, no. No, no. No! Bonnie, you can't go! ''[sees the car driving off]'' Not without...the backpack. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Let me get this straight. You thought Bonnie would take her ''school'' backpack on vacation? :'''Hamm''': Oh, boy. :'''Ken''': ''[holding the Hawaiian brochure]'' Hawaii! You have to take us to Hawaii! :'''Captain Zip''': Sorry, sir. I just zip and unzip. I don't actually fly. <hr width=50%> :''[They both use the scuba, and they both go by diving in the water by watching TV, with the channel of fish, and the bubbles created by Alien]'' :'''Ken''': Whoa, look at that. :'''Barbie''': Oh! Beautiful. :'''Hamm''': Watch this. ''[flips the channel to the shark, and they both scream]'' Shark Week. :'''Buttercup''': Nice. <hr width=50%> :'''Woody''': Ride like the wind, Bullseye! :''[Bullseye runs off with Barbie]'' :'''Ken''': Ride like the wind, Buttercup! ''[hops on Buttercup]'' :'''Buttercup''': Okay! Get off me. <hr width=50%> :''[The toys see Barbie and Ken in winter clothes outside the window]'' :'''Buttercup''': It's got to be... a bazillion degrees below! :'''Hamm''': Oh, good thing they're wearing the 1982 winter weekend collection. <hr width=50%> :''[Last lines]'' :'''Buzz''': ''[using the hairdryer]'' Best vacation ever. :'''Woody''': Yeah. :''[Mr. Potato Head uses the screwdriver by trying to get Barbie and Ken out by breaking the ice cube]'' === External links === {{Wikipedia|Hawaiian Vacation}} *{{Official website|http://www.pixar.com/short_films/Toy-Story-Toons/Hawaiian-Vacation}} *{{IMDb title|1850374|Hawaiian Vacation}} *''[http://www.bcdb.com/bcdb/cartoon.cgi?film=121726 Hawaiian Vacation]'' at the [[Big Cartoon DataBase]] == ''Small Fry'' == {{small|'''''[[w:Small Fry (film)|Small Fry]]''''' is a 2011 [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] [[w:computer animation|computer animated short]].&nbsp; The second short in the ''Toy Story Toons'' series, it debuted with the theatrical release of ''[[The Muppets (film)|The Muppets]]'' on [[23 November]] 2011.&nbsp; The short involves Buzz getting trapped at a [[fast food]] restaurant, where there is a support group for discarded [[kids' meal]] [[toys]] from over the [[years]], with a kids' meal toy version of Buzz taking his place.}} :{{small|''Written and directed by [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]].''}} === Recycle Ben === * My name is Recycle ''Ben'', and I got re''cy''cled! === PIZZABOT 5000 === * Kid not ''like'' PIZZABOT. PIZZABOT ''sad''. === Mini-Buzz === * ''[singing]'' ''Playtime is your frie—'' ''[gets tackled by Woody]'' === Dialogue (2) === :'''Mini-Buzz''': ''[emerging from Bonnie's backpack]'' I'm Buzz Lightyear! I come in peace! :'''Jessie''': Uh, what happened to ''Buzz''? :'''Rex''': He says the plastic in the ball pit ''made'' him shrink! :'''Mini-Buzz''': Yeah, yeah, that's right, Tex. Uh, say, uh...when's the playtime start around here? :'''Woody''': All right, where's the real Buzz? <hr width=50%> :'''Buzz''': I think there's been a mistake. You see, I was just left in the ball pit, and I- :'''Queen Neptuna''': Oh, we've all been left in the ball pit of life, haven't we? <hr width=50%> :'''Rex''': Guys, I'm telling you, this ''is'' the real Buzz! :'''Woody''': Rex, he's like 3 inches tall. :'''Hamm''': Yeah, but he's a pretty good ice dancer. <hr width=50%> :''[Last lines, as the Belt Buckle beeps from Poultry Palace at night]'' :'''Mini Zurg''': ''[laughing]'' Oh, that was a good one. Belt Buckle, you crank me up sometimes. :''[The Belt Buckle continues beeping]'' === External links === {{Wikipedia|Small Fry (film)}} *{{Official website|http://www.pixar.com/short_films/Toy-Story-Toons/Small-Fry}} *{{IMDb title|2033372|Small Fry}} *''[http://www.bcdb.com/bcdb/cartoon.cgi?film=132665 Small Fry]'' at the [[Big Cartoon DataBase]] ==''Partysaurus Rex''== [[File:Edgar Degas, Femme dans son bain s'épongeant la jambe.jpg|thumb|Do you [[want|wanna]] [[flood]] the [[house]]?<br />{{center|~&nbsp;Mrs. Anderson}}<br />Yeah!<br />{{center|~&nbsp;Bonnie Anderson}}]] {{smallcite|'''''[[w:Partysaurus Rex|Partysaurus Rex]]''''' is a 2012 [[w:Pixar|Pixar]] [[w:computer animation|computer animated short]] film and the final short in the ''Toy Story Toons'' series.&nbsp; It was first debuted and screened in [[theaters]] ahead of the 3D [[theatrical]] [[w:Re-release|re-release]] of ''[[Finding Nemo]]''.&nbsp; The short involves Rex getting left in the [[bathroom]] and making [[friends]] with [[bath]] [[toys]] by facilitating a [[rave]].}} {{smallcite|''Story by Mark Walsh and [[w:John Lasseter|John Lasseter]].&nbsp; Written and directed by Mark Walsh.''}} === Rex === * I mean why have a little... when you can have... ''a lot''?! * Some of you? Why not... ''all'' of you?! * Partysaurus doesn't worry about too much soap and the tub overfl... ''[realizes in horror]'' Overflow? We'll flood the house! * WE'RE GOING TO OVER-'''''FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!''''' * Duty calls. === Dialogue (3) === :''[after Rex roars and then the bubble pops out]'' :'''Mrs. Potato Head''': ''[angrily]'' Oh, Rex, you're bursting my bubble! :''[Mrs. Potato Head storms out and Rex pounces on the toys]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Bonnie is having a bath]'' :'''Bonnie''': ::'''Captain Suds''': Fire torpedoes! ::'''Rex''': No! I just want to have tea with you! :'''Mrs. Anderson''': ''[enters the bathroom]'' Okay, trouble. There's way too much water in here. ''[turns off the water, and unplugs the tub]'' :'''Bonnie''': Aww. :'''Mrs. Anderson''': Do you wanna flood the house? :'''Bonnie''': ''[excited]'' Yeah! :'''Mrs. Anderson''': Well, how about dinner at Grandma's instead? :'''Bonnie''': Grandma's! :'''Mrs. Anderson''': Sure. :''[They exit out of the bathroom]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Rex''': You guys missed it. ''I'' was a partysaurus. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Party? ''You''? I believe it when I see it. === External links === {{Wikipedia|Partysaurus Rex}} *{{Official website|http://www.pixar.com/short_films/Toy-Story-Toons/Partysaurus-Rex}} *{{IMDb title|2340678|Partysaurus Rex}} *''[http://www.bcdb.com/bcdb/cartoon.cgi?film=142595 Partysaurus Rex]'' at the [[Big Cartoon DataBase]] == Cast == {| class="wikitable" style="text-align:center;width:700px;background-color:#fed700;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" |- ! rowspan="2" style="width:25%;background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"| <big>Character</big> |- ! style="width:25%;background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | {{small|''[[#Hawaiian Vacation (1)|<span style="color:#05428a;">Hawaiian Vacation</span>]]''}} !! style="width:25%;background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | {{small|''[[#Small Fry (2)|<span style="color:#05428a;">Small Fry</span>]]''}} !! style="width:25%;background:white;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | {{small|''[[#Partysaurus Rex (3)|<span style="color:#05428a;">Partysaurus Rex</span>]]''}} |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:Sheriff Woody|<span style="color:#fed700;">Sheriff Woody</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[Tom Hanks|<span style="color:#05428a;">Tom Hanks</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" rowspan=2|[[Buzz Lightyear|<span style="color:#fed700;">Buzz Lightyear</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[Tim Allen|<span style="color:#05428a;">Tim Allen</span>]] |- | [[w:Javier Fernandez-Peña|<span style="color:#05428a;">Javier Fernandez-Peña</span>]] {{small|(Spanish)}} || [[Teddy Newton|<span style="color:#05428a;">Teddy Newton</span>]] {{small|(Mini)}} || style="background:#05428a;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Hamm|<span style="color:#fed700;">Hamm</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[w:John Ratzenberger|<span style="color:#05428a;">John Ratzenberger</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Rex|<span style="color:#fed700;">Rex</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[w:Wallace Shawn|<span style="color:#05428a;">Wallace Shawn</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:Jessie (Toy Story)|<span style="color:#fed700;">Jessie</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[w:Joan Cusack|<span style="color:#05428a;">Joan Cusack</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Mr. Potato Head|<span style="color:#fed700;">Mr. Potato Head</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[w:Don Rickles|<span style="color:#05428a;">Don Rickles</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Mrs. Potato Head|<span style="color:#fed700;">Mrs. Potato Head</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[w:Estelle Harris|<span style="color:#05428a;">Estelle Harris</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Mr. Pricklepants|<span style="color:#fed700;">Mr. Pricklepants</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[Timothy Dalton|<span style="color:#05428a;">Timothy Dalton</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Bonnie Anderson|<span style="color:#fed700;">Bonnie Anderson</span>]] | colspan="3" | [[w:Emily Hahn (actress)|<span style="color:#05428a;">Emily Hahn</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#fed700;">Mrs. Anderson</span> | colspan="3" | [[w:Lori Alan|<span style="color:#05428a;">Lori Alan</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Squeeze Toy Aliens / Little Green Men|<span style="color:#fed700;">Aliens</span>]] | [[w:Jeff Pidgeon|<span style="color:#05428a;">Jeff Pidgeon</span>]] | rowspan="5" colspan="2" style="background:#f4aa28;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <BIG><big>''Silent cameo''</big></BIG> |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:Slinky Dog|<span style="color:#fed700;">Slinky Dog</span>]] | [[w:Blake Clark|<span style="color:#05428a;">Blake Clark</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Buttercup|<span style="color:#fed700;">Buttercup</span>]] | [[w:Jeff Garlin|<span style="color:#05428a;">Jeff Garlin</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Trixie|<span style="color:#fed700;">Trixie</span>]] | [[w:Kristen Schaal|<span style="color:#05428a;">Kristen Schaal</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Dolly|<span style="color:#fed700;">Dolly</span>]] | [[w:Bonnie Hunt|<span style="color:#05428a;">Bonnie Hunt</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Peas-in-a-Pod|<span style="color:#fed700;">Peas-in-a-Pod</span>]] | [[w:Zoe Levin|<span style="color:#05428a;">Zoe Levin</span>]] || style="background:#f4aa28;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | ''Silent cameo'' || rowspan="25" style="background:#05428a;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Barbie|<span style="color:#fed700;">Barbie</span>]] | [[Jodi Benson|<span style="color:#05428a;">Jodi Benson</span>]] || rowspan="5" style="background:#05428a;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Ken|<span style="color:#fed700;">Ken</span>]] | [[Michael Keaton|<span style="color:#05428a;">Michael Keaton</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Chuckles|<span style="color:#fed700;">Chuckles</span>]] | [[w:Bud Luckey|<span style="color:#05428a;">Bud Luckey</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <span style="color:#fed700;">Captain Zip</span> | [[w:Angus MacLane|<span style="color:#05428a;">Angus MacLane</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Bullseye|<span style="color:#fed700;">Bullseye</span>]] | [[Frank Welker|<span style="color:#05428a;">Frank Welker</span>]] |- !style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Queen Neptuna</span>]] | rowspan="26" style="background:#05428a;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | || [[w:Jane Lynch|<span style="color:#05428a;">Jane Lynch</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Tae-Kwon Doe</span>]] | [[w:Lori Alan|<span style="color:#05428a;">Lori Alan</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Koala Kopter</span>]] | [[w:Carlos Alazraqui|<span style="color:#05428a;">Carlos Alazraqui</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Condorman</span>]] | [[w:Bob Bergen|<span style="color:#05428a;">Bob Bergen</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Lizard Wizard</span>]] | [[w:Josh Cooley|<span style="color:#05428a;">Josh Cooley</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Roxy Boxy</span>]] | Emily Forbes |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#fed700;">Mini Zurg</span> | rowspan="2" | [[w:Jess Harnell|<span style="color:#05428a;">Jess Harnell</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Vlad the Engineer</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Nervous Sys-Tim</span>]] | Kitt Hirasaki |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">T-Bone</span>]] | rowspan="4" | [[w:Angus MacLane|<span style="color:#05428a;">Angus MacLane</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Super Pirate</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Gary Grappling Hook</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Funky Monk</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">DJ Blu-Jay</span>]] | Bret Parker |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Recycle Ben</span>]] | [[w:Peter Sohn|<span style="color:#05428a;">Peter Sohn</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Ghost Burger</span>]] | rowspan="2" | Jason Topolski |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | [[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">PIZZABOT 5000</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|[[w:List of Toy Story characters#Discarded Fun Meal Toys|<span style="color:#fed700;">Franklin</span>]] | [[w:Jim Ward (voice actor)|<span style="color:#05428a;">Jim Ward</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);"|<span style="color:#fed700;">Captain Suds</span> | [[w:Corey Burton|<span style="color:#05428a;">Corey Burton</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <span style="color:#fed700;">Chuck E. Duck</span> | rowspan="5" style="background:#05428a;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | || [[w:Tony Cox (actor)|<span style="color:#05428a;">Tony Cox</span>]] and [[w:Donald Fullilove|<span style="color:#05428a;">Donald Fullilove</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <span style="color:#fed700;">Drips</span> | Mark A. Walsh |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <span style="color:#fed700;">Cuddles</span> | [[w:Sherry Lynn|<span style="color:#05428a;">Sherry Lynn</span>]] |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <span style="color:#fed700;">Babs</span> | Lori Richardson |- ! style="background:#e10024;color:var(--color-base-fixed,#202122);" | <span style="color:#fed700;">Dolphina</span> | Jessica Evans |} :* A blue cell indicates the character was not in the program. == External links == {{Wikipedia-inline|Toy Story Toons|''Toy Story Toons''}} *{{Official website|http://www.pixar.com/short_films/Toy-Story-Toons}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:2011 films]] [[Category:2012 films]] [[Category:American animated films]] [[Category:Computer-animated short films]] [[Category:Toy Story]] a0jhg7pimysrm7kwxhptb6jjkc4tep1 0 183598 3954246 3941673 2026-06-18T18:54:52Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 3954246 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} [[File:Question in a question in a question in a question.gif|thumb|The way Bonnie's [[mind]] works is a [[mystery]] to [[science]].<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[#Buzz Lightyear|Buzz Lightyear]]}}]] '''''{{w|Toy Story That Time Forgot}}''''' ([[2 December]] [[2014]]) is a [[Christmas]]-themed 22-minute [[television]] special that aired on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. Shortly after [[Christmas]], Bonnie brings some of her [[toys]] to Mason's house where they encounter [[dinosaur]]-themed [[w:action figure|action figures]] called Battlesaurs who don't know they are toys and are being [[w:manipulation (psychology)|manipulated]] by the [[power]]-hungry Cleric. :''Written and directed by [[Steve Purcell]].'' {{center|'''The [[battle]] for all [[toy]] kind.''' ([[#Taglines|taglines]])}} == Woody == * Trixie, the Battlesaurs are not [[playing]]. They've ''never'' been played with. They ''don't'' even ''[[know]]'' they're ''[[toys]]''! == [[Buzz Lightyear|Buzz]] == * The way Bonnie's [[mind]] works is a [[mystery]] to [[science]]. == Angel Kitty == [[File:3D-rendered character with a sign saying "hello".jpg|thumb|[[Greet]] the [[world]] with an open [[heart]].<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[#Angel Kitty|Angel Kitty]]}}]] [[File:Parental Advisory label.svg<!--File:Black TV-G icon.png-->|thumb|[[w:Personal boundaries|Limitations]] are the [[w:shackle|shackles]] we bind to [[ourselves]].<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[#Angel Kitty|Angel Kitty]]}}]] [[File:Love shadows everything.jpg|thumb|The [[joy]] that you [[give]] to others is the joy that comes back to you.<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[#Angel Kitty|Angel Kitty]]}}]] [[File:Gift-wraping.jpg<!--File:Weihnachten 2008.JPG-->|thumb|Be [[grateful]] for your [[gifts]].&nbsp; They are all around you.<br />{{center|~&nbsp;[[#Angel Kitty|Angel Kitty]]}}]] *[[Greet]] the [[world]] with an open [[heart]]. *[[w:Personal boundaries|Limitations]] are the [[w:shackle|shackles]] we bind to [[ourselves]]. *The [[joy]] that you [[give]] to others is the joy that comes back to you. *Be [[grateful]] for your [[gifts]].&nbsp; They are all around you. == The Cleric == *I find their lack of armour... disturbing. == Trixie == * Everyone [[needs]] an [[w:apartment|apartment]] shaped like their own [[head]]. == Dialogue == :''[first lines]'' :'''Bonnie''': ''[as Santa Woody]'' Ho, ho, howdy everyone. That sure was a fun Christmas. :''[crunching]'' :'''Bonnie''': Hello, villagers. Shoo! Excuse me, pardon me, thank you. Hey, there, Baby Reindeer. Let's spread some Christmas cheer. <hr width=50%> :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Prepare yourself. In''ha''bit the part, you must not ''[[theatre|play]]'' the [[dinosaur]], you must ''be'' the dinosaur. :'''Trixie''': But I ''am'' the dinosaur. :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Exactly! Now, ''get'' out there and ''sparkle''! <hr width=50%> :'''Jessie''': Aw, don't worry Trixie, next time, you'll be a dinosaur for sure. :'''Rex''': Andy used to play with me as a dinosaur all the time. :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Yeah, me too. It's not all that's cracked up to be. :'''Trixie''': How would I know? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Good point. <hr width=50%> :'''Woody''': Trixie, the Battlesaurs are not [[playing]]. They've ''never'' been played with. They ''don't'' even ''[[know]]'' they're ''[[toys]]''! :'''Buzz Lightyear''': Incredible, isn't it? <hr width=50%> :'''Buzz''': Oh, ''I'' get it – you're ''glad'' Mason got the Optimum X! :'''The Cleric''': He ''plays'' there, while I ''[[rule]]'' here. My Battlesaurs have no ''[[w: use (law)|use]]'' for "play". They have everything they [[need]], [[contentment|content]] in their [[ignorance]]. :'''Guard #1''': ''[whispers]'' What's "ignorance"? :'''Guard #2''': I dunno. <hr width=50%> :'''Mason''': Oh, what [[planet]] is ''he'' from?! :'''Bonnie''': [[Neptune]]... or maybe [[Florida]]. == Taglines == * The [[battle]] for all [[toy]] kind. == Cast == * Trixie – {{w|Kristen Schaal}} * Rex – {{w|Wallace Shawn}} * Woody – [[Tom Hanks]] * Buzz Lightyear – [[Tim Allen]] * Reptillus Maximus – {{w|Kevin McKidd}} * Bonnie – [[w:Emily Hahn (actress)|Emily Hahn]] * The Cleric – [[Steve Purcell]] * Ray-gon — Jonathan Kydd * Mason – R.C. Cope * Angel Kitty – Emma Hudak * Mr. Potato Head – {{w|Don Rickles}} * Mr. Pricklepants – [[Timothy Dalton]] * Mrs. Anderson – {{w|Lori Alan}} * Jessie – {{w|Joan Cusack}} == External links == {{Wikipedia}} *{{Official website|http://www.pixar.com/short_films/Toy-Story-Toons/tsttf}}. *{{IMDb title|3473654}}. *{{rotten-tomatoes|toy_story_that_time_forgot}}. *[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7_UZPAa6oA Commercial] on [[w:YouTube|YouTube]]. {{Toy Story}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2014 American animated films]] [[Category:Animated Christmas TV specials]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:American animated TV shows]] gzjfa9pu6ulq4hrcpxile62afnj4ou9 0 186335 3954334 3933347 2026-06-19T00:07:19Z ~2026-30783-26 3327539 /* SpongeBob, You're Fired [9.11] */ 3954334 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''SpongeBob SquarePants''/Season 9}} {{SpongeBob header}} '''''[[w:SpongeBob_SquarePants|SpongeBob SquarePants]]''''' (1999-) is an animated TV series, airing on Nickelodeon about the adventures and endeavors of the title character and his various friends in the fictional underwater city of Bikini Bottom. It spawned [[The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie|a movie]], followed by several short films, and video games. ==Episode 1== ===''[[w:Extreme Spots|Extreme Spots]]'' [9.1a]=== (Released on July 21, 2012) :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': What was that? :'''British Gentleman''': Why, those are the Dwastic Wadicals, the #1 practitioners of extweme spowts. ''[sips tea]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick''': Extreme what? :'''British Gentleman''': Extweme... spowts. :'''Patrick''': "Extreme spots"? Well, that's no fair. You're already covers in extreme spots. Ooh, hold on a second. ''[hive buzzing, Patrick screaming, electricity crackling]'' Okay, let's do meet our new heroes. ===''Squirrel Record'' [9.1b]=== (Released on July 21, 2012) :'''Author''': Thank you. Yes. Oh my... well, then... I'm afraid you've broken ''no'' records. :'''SpongeBob and Sandy''': ''[their jaws dropped]'' Huh? :'''Author''': This book is 30 years old. These records were broken ages ago. You, however, have sent a brand new record: Most injuries sustained while helping a friend. :'''Sandy''': Good for you, SpongeBob. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[cracks into pieces]'' Um... hooray. :'''Author''': Say "cheese"! ''[takes a picture as the episode ends]'' ==Episode 2== ===''Patrick-Man!'' [9.2a]=== (Released on October 27, 2012) :'''Patrick-Man''': Hey, where'd he come from? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps]'' The Dirty Bubble?! :'''Patrick-Man''': The Dirty Bubble? I wanted to unmask Man Ray. ===''Gary's New Toy'' [9.2b]=== (Release on October 14, 2012) :'''SpongeBob''': And so it's come to this. No home, no best friend, and sleeping under a bus stop. ''[a nematode pops out of the ground]'' Hello, little nematode. Will you be my friend? ''[the nematode crawls onto SpongeBob's arm]'' Atta boy. ''[the nematode crawls onto SpongeBob's arm]'' That tickles! ''[the nematode emerges with his wallet]'' Hey, my wallet! Good thing I cancelled those credit cards. ==Episode 3== ===''License to Milkshake'' [9.3a]=== (Released on September 7, 2012) :'''Fish''': This shake is disgusting! Why, you probably don't even have a license to milkshake! :'''SpongeBob''': A license to milkshake? Well, of course I do, silly! And it doesn't expire until... ''[looks at his license]'' ...'''''SEVEN YEARS AGO?''''' ===''Squid Baby'' [9.3b]=== (Released on September 3, 2012) :''[The episode starts with Squidward listening to the radio.]'' :'''Narrator:''' ''[shown in Squidward's bathroom]'' Feel droplets gently cascade over your body. :'''Squidward:''' ''[in the bathtub]'' Oh, yeah... :'''Narrator:''' Visualize yourself in a private grotto. ''[Squidward visualizes himself in a resort-like tub]'' Focus your perceptions on the native fauna, and the soothing nature of their rustic calls. ''[a scallop laughs like Patrick]'' :'''Squidward:''' Huh? :'''Narrator:''' You are one with nature. :'''Squidward:''' Ahh... ''[scallops laugh like SpongeBob and Patrick, complete with their teeth being shown. Squidward's fantasy sequence ends as the two continue laughing]'' What the--?! ''[SpongeBob and Patrick giggle, causing Squidward to go to the window and opening the blinds]'' Barnacles! ''[SpongeBob and Patrick are playing with baby toys, both playing with rattles]'' :'''Patrick:''' How do you like that, baby? ''[shakes the rattle]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[laughs]'' Oh, yeah. Well, what do ya think about this, baby? ''[shakes the rattle using his feet. He and Patrick laugh]'' :'''Squidward:''' Question: are you two acting even more infantile than usual this morning? :'''SpongeBob:''' Uh-huh. ''[holds a box full of baby toys]'' 'Cause I found a box of my old baby toys in the attic, and we're playing with them. ''[Squidward pulls down the blinds. Shows a walrus to a bored Patrick]'' Hey! My old teddy walrus! This stuff really takes me back. ''[hugs his teddy walrus]'' :'''Patrick:''' ''[sucks on his pacifier]'' Yeah. it makes me feel baby-ish. ''[acts like a baby]'' Oh, Look at me! I'm a baby! ''[sucks on his thumb]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[giggles]'' Babies don't talk like that, Patrick. They talk like, "Goo-goo! Ga-ga!" ''[he and Patrick start talking baby talk and crawling. SpongeBob plays his xylophone. Patrick plays with his ring toss, but instead throws all the rings out of the toss and chews on the blue ring. SpongeBob plays with his mallet and whistle. Patrick still plays with his ring toss and fitting all the rings on himself. SpongeBob and Patrick are both playing with their said toys. Squidward gets angry and walks out of his house with a robe in his head and bubbles covering his crotch]'' :'''Squidward:''' Just as the essential oils were kicking in. ''[SpongeBob and Patrick play on a scooter]'' Hey! I'd appreciate some quiet! ''[SpongeBob and Patrick scoot away]'' How dare you scoot away from me, I'm scolding here! ''[SpongeBob and Patrick play with a Jack-in-the-Box]'' Would you two for once, act your age?! ''[the head from Jack-in-the-Box pops out; SpongeBob and Patrick cry as Squidward realizes he will not get any peace and quiet]'' Fine! Act like infants your whole life! See if I care! I'm returning to my grown up lifestyle. So keep it down! ''[slips on a toy boatmobile, gets his head stuck in the scooter and crashes into SpongeBob's mailbox, making it press the "reset brain" button.]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick:''' Squidward! ''[Squidward's head swells up while his nose shrinks]'' :'''Patrick:''' Hey, he's mumblin' and droolin' like a little baby. :'''SpongeBob:''' Well, I don't know, Patrick. He isn't looking so good. He should probably see a doctor. Come on, let's take him to the hospital. :'''Patrick:''' Hang in there, buddy. We'll have you fixed up in no time. ''[SpongeBob and Patrick carry Squidward to the hospital, while the latter's head keeps on banging on the floor constantly. Bubble transition to the hospital as Squidward is now looking like a baby]'' :'''Purple Doctorfish:''' Hmmm? ''[Squidward babbles]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' So what's the prognosis, doctor? :'''Purple Doctorfish:''' Your friend has a condition known by the medical term of Head-go-boom-boom-itis. Not to worry, though, he should recover over normally over time, but he mustn't receive any more blows to the head or he may remain this way permanently. Just care for him as if he were your very own bouncy baby boy and he'll be fine. ''[Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house]'' :'''Patrick:''' Hey, little Squidward. Ready for some fun? Woop-ee-doo! ''[throws Squidward up to the ceiling]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[holds baby food]'' Okay, Squiddy! Din-din is ready. Where is our little miracle? ''[shows Squidward stuck in the ceiling]'' Patrick, how could you! ''[climbs up Patrick and pulls Squidward out of the ceiling]'' There, there! My little darling. We're supposed to protect his head, remember? ''[puts Squidward in a high chair, and a wood block in his mouth which he gets out of. SpongeBob gives him the baby food]'' Okay, Squiddy! I made your favorite. Krill tartare with an algae vinaigrette. ''[puts food on a spoon and aims it towards the mouth]'' Here it comes, open wide! ''[Squidward rejects his food]'' Come on, little buddy, you got eat healthy so you can grow up big and cranky. Just watch the airplane land in the hangar. ''[imitates airplane engine and sticks the spoon in Squidward's mouth]'' See, Patrick, sometimes you gotta out-think the baby. ''[Squidward spits food at SpongeBob and throws the plate]'' You know, Patrick, maybe we... :'''Patrick:''' ''[licks food off SpongeBob]'' Ahh, thanks for sharing, baby. ''[Bubble transition to later on]' :'''SpongeBob:''' Okay. Time to lighten things up. Do you like games, Squiddy? :'''Patrick:''' Games is our middle name! :'''SpongeBob and Patrick:''' ''[play Kelpy Cake]'' Kelpy Cake, Kelpy Cake, kelpy man! Bake us a cake as fast as you can! ''[Squidward claps]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' You like that, Squiddy? :'''Patrick:''' He does. :'''SpongeBob:''' Now you try! :'''SpongeBob and Patrick:''' ''[try to get Squidward to play Kelpy Cake]'' Kelpy Cake-''[Squidward slaps SpongeBob and Patrick and throws them up, hurting them]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' Ohh, this game's kinda dangerous. ''[Squidward crawls out the front door]'' :'''SpongeBob and Patrick:''' Squiddy! ''[a truck goes towards Squidward and a truck driver falls asleep]'' Squiddy, no! :'''Patrick:''' Don't worry. I got this. ''[lifts a pavement and the truck flies away. He then sets down the pavement, and a fanfare plays]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' Hooray! ''[sees the road landed on Squidward's head and gasps]'' Squidward! ''[Patrick lifts up the pavement]'' Squiddy, are you okay? ''[grabs Squidward. Patrick sets down the pavement]'' We need to do a better job of protecting him. ''[the truck crashes into Squidward's house. Bubble transition to the living room. SpongeBob and Patrick put Squidward in a cage and closes it, and he cries, which makes him open the cage]'' There, there now, no need to cry. ''[tries to calm him down by shushing him]'' Everything's gonna be okay! :'''Patrick:''' Don't worry, he'll probably be settled down in couple of minutes. ''[watches TV while SpongeBob carries Squidward, crying. SpongeBob goes to bed where Squidward's constant crying awakens him and Gary while Patrick holds Squidward in a rocking chair. SpongeBob takes a bath while Patrick holds him, then vice versa. SpongeBob holds him crying in the living room on a rocking chair while Patrick puts on earplugs, then noise-canceling headphones. They eat while Squidward cries, Squidward eats and spits food out on them while crying, both of them are tired while Squidward is crying as it starts raining down.]'' :'''French Narrator:''' ''[narrating time card]'' 72 hours later... :''[Cut to the Krusty Krab where Mr. Krabs, who has not been happy for the last 3 days since SpongeBob and Squidward have not been in, waits for his employees to come in the restaurant by looking at his watch]'' :'''Mr. Krabs:''' It's one minute till opening. Where the barnacles are me employerees? I don't pay them to be late. ''[SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward appear in the front doors of the restaurant all tired after 3 days]'' :'''Patrick:''' Taking care of a baby sure is hard. :'''SpongeBob:''' You said it! I'm exhausted! Hey, Patrick. I have to go to work. Would you mind holding Squidw.... ''[Patrick falls asleep on one of the tables, sighs in disbelief]'' Looks like we're on our own, little fella. :'''Mr. Krabs:''' SpongeBob! Squidward! Enough duff-dragging! Get to your stations, pronto! :'''SpongeBob:''' Mr. Krabs, Squidward is in no condition to perform his Krusty duties. ''[turns around to show Mr. Krabs that Squidward is a baby. Squidward makes baby noises]'' The poor guy has the mind of an infant. :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[doesn't believe him since he's late for 3 days]'' I don't care if he has seaweed-for-brains. He needs to be behind that register! We've got customers out there just begging to hand me their money! ''[shows customers outside begging to come in with their money]'' :'''Customers:''' Oh, please! Please! Take our money! Please, Mr. Krabs! :'''SpongeBob:''' But-- :'''Mr. Krabs:''' No buts! Get to work, you two! :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[slams into the table and Squidward flies into the register boat head first]'' All settled into your work station, I see. Maybe you're ready for your Krusty duties after all! Now let's make it official! ''[hands Squidward a Krusty Krab employee hat, which he rejects]'' Oh, how silly of me! ''[grabs a highchair and picks up Squidward]'' Squiddy needs a highchair! ''[puts the highchair near the register and puts Squidward in it. Squidward bangs his head on the cash register]'' And duct tape! ''[duct-tapes Squidward to the chair and puts his Krusty Krab employee hat on]'' Oh, Squiddy! I'm so proud of you! Just yesterday, you were drooling all over me! And look at you now, working and sitting in a big boy seat! ''[SpongeBob's eyes get full of tears]'' :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[doesn't care for the antics still]'' All right! That's enough, you two. Time to serve some customers! ''[customers race in to order]'' :'''Customers:''' All right! :'''SpongeBob:''' Remember, buddy! I'll be right behind you! ''[goes to the grill while the customers take their orders]'' :'''Billy:''' Can I get a Krabby Patty and a large kelp shake, please? ''[Squidward makes baby noises and hits his head with a rattle. Billy looks confused]'' Okay, how much do I owe you? ''[Squidward drools, laughs and sucks on Billy's hand]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[peeks his head out the order window. Billy looks peeved.]'' Squidward! That's not for eating! ''[takes a napkin and polishes Billy's hand]'' There we are. Good as neww-! ''[Squidward sucks on Billy's head]'' That's not for eating either! ''[takes Squidward off of Billy's head]'' Sorry, sir. :'''Mr. Krabs:''' Hop to it, boys. We haven't even taken our first order! :'''SpongeBob:''' Yes, Mr. Krabs. ''[hands Squidward a pencil and pad of paper]'' You know what to do. ''[Squidward grabs the pencil and paper and laughs, throwing the papers into the kitchen]'' Thanks, Squiddy. I can also count on, huh... ''[notices that Squidward doodled on the pieces of paper]'' Will this be for here or to goo? ''[peeks out the order window, where Squidward is laughing and tossing the papers around]'' We have to work on your penmanship, Squiddy. ''[Squidward laughs and doodles on Nat's face]'' :'''Nat:''' ''[walks away]'' My face! My face! Also my leg, but mostly my face! :'''Pilar:''' Hey! Are you going to take an order or what? ''[Squidward opens the register, hits his mouth and cries]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[exits the kitchen and holds Squidward, believing that Pilar yelled at Squidward, giving a him furious look]'' Squidward! Yelling at a poor, defenseless baby! You oughta be ashamed! :'''Pilar:''' Listen, man! I'm done playing these baby games! ''[notices the stench of Squidward's rotten diaper]'' Oh, my Neptune! ''[Squidward continues to cry and notices his stinky diaper]'' :'''Customers:''' What is that? What is it? :'''Mr. Krabs:''' What in blazes is going on around he-- Whoa! Mr. Squidward! ''[Squidward bangs his head]'' Where are your manners? :'''SpongeBob:''' Mr. Krabs, watch his head! :'''Mr. Krabs:''' Watch his head? Why don't you watch his diaper?! ''[SpongeBob notices Squidward's stinky diaper]'' And get it changed! :'''SpongeBob:''' Sir, yes, sir! ''[goes to a table to change the diaper, where customers are eating]'' Oh. :'''Fred:''' We're eating here! :'''SpongeBob:''' Sorry! ''[tries to change Squidward on the floor]'' :'''Customer:''' Hey, I'm trying to walk here! :'''SpongeBob:''' Sorry! ''[tries to change Squidward near the condiments]'' :'''Suzy Fish:''' ''[notices the dirty diaper and is disgusted]'' Hey, I was gonna get ketchup there! :'''SpongeBob:''' Sorry! ''[takes Squidward to the register boat to change him]'' Okay, Squiddy! Hold still! And, oh, boy! :'''Mr. Krabs:''' ''[Appears behind them]'' Are you out of your ever-living mind?! You can't change that baby out here in front of the customers! Take him in back where the food is prepared. ''[All the customers get disgusted and leave after hearing Mr. Krabs, who is obviously fed up and unable to handle anymore of their antics.]'' Oh, that's it! Get that poopy baby out of me restaurant! :'''SpongeBob:''' ''[sniffs, in tears]'' Mr. Krabs, if my poopy baby isn't welcome here, then I'm not staying either! ''[starts to leave but slips on Squidward's baby rattle.]'' Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! ''[He ends up in the kitchen, where he bangs Squidward's head on some frying pans and the ice machine, causing him to cry. Ice ends up on Squidward's head. SpongeBob gasps in horror]'' Squidward! ''[When an ice uncovers from Squidward, it turns out that ice made his head feel better as it shrinks. Now with his headache healed, he turns back to normal]'' :'''Squidward:''' What the? ''[stands up and is confused, but angry of what happened and turns to SpongeBob]'' Where am I? What's going on? :'''SpongeBob:''' Oh, Squidward, you're back to your normal grown-up self. :'''Squidward:''' Of course I'm grown-up! Why wouldn't I be? ''[notices he's wearing a diaper]'' Am I wearing a diaper? :'''SpongeBob:''' Yes. :'''Squidward:''' Is it full? ''[looks inside his diaper and screams]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' Sorry, Squidward, I was gonna change it, but I got interrup-- ''[Squidward puts his hand over SpongeBob's mouth]'' :'''Squidward:''' ''[deadpanned and speechless]'' Stop! Not another word about this. Ever! :'''SpongeBob:''' Kids, they grow up so fast. ''[the episode ends]'' ==Episode 4== ===''Little Yellow Book'' [9.4a]=== (Released on March 2, 2012) :'''Squidward''': Ah, yes, just how I like it... nice and empty. :'''Old Man Walker''': Hey, I'm still here. :'''Squidward''': Oh, yes, sirree—nice and empty. ---- :'''SpongeBob''': ''[voiceover]'' Dear diary, what an amazing day I've had! This morning I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbor, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just bursting to share. He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet. Specifically, what not to feed them. The list was very thorough. Needless to say, this is all very enlightening. It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique-- Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may now know how well-intended those words are. Knowing I have the tendency to dawdle, Gary cut our conversation short. And I hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early for what may be my favorite day of the year: cleaning day! Together, Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab, and finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. Ah yes, cleaning day. :'''Squidward''': Great Neptune, I had no idea. The depth of his delusion is awe inspiring.''' ---- :'''Squidward''': What do you think of Mr. Krabs' new plaid kilt? :'''SpongeBob''': Plaid? ''[SpongeBob starts clucking like a chicken]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, you don't have to be nasty about it! ---- :'''Mr. Krabs''': That's low, Squidward... even for you. '''You'd ''better'' apologize.''' :'''Squidward''': Pfft! He'll get over it. ---- :'''Morty:''' Extra, extra, read all about it! Jerk reads diary, local fry cook devastated. ''[holding up a newspaper]'' :'''Squidward:''' Oh, boy, let me see one of those papers. Uh-huh, mm-hm. ''[a cover of paper shows a sad photo of SpongeBob. There is writing that says "Local Fry Cook Devastated." Squidward laughs and tosses the paper on the ground. Citizens stare at him scornfully]'' Taxi! ''[waving as a taxi car with the model of the boat screeches its tires approaching him]'' :'''Driver:''' Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, pal. You're that diary reader. :'''Squidward:''' Yes, I am. ''[taxi drives away in an angry attitude after hearing Squidward's revelation. The tires squeal, Squidward coughs in the exhaust. Then he continues walking]'' :'''Abigail Marge:''' Diary thief! :'''Sandals:''' Jerk! :'''John:''' ''[from outside a house window]'' Secret stealer! :'''Norma:''' Billy, stay away from that mean, old diary reader. :'''Squidward''': Idiots. ''[The scene changes to outside of SpongeBob's, Patrick's, and Squidward's houses, with Squidward at his front door. It opens, revealing Quincy]'' :'''Quincy:''' Squidward Tentacles, by reading another person's diary, you have violated the terms of your loan. ''[holds up loan papers]'' We are repossessing your house. :'''Squidward:''' ''[coughs]'' What?! :'''Quincy:''' Take it away, boys! ''[Squidward's house is lifted away with a crane.]'' ---- :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Squidward. How's it going? :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob, oh, thank goodness. You have to forgive me. :'''SpongeBob''': What for? :'''Squidward''': For reading your diary. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, that. You know, Squidward, everyone was so amused by it, I had it published! It's a best seller, and I owe it all to you! Besides, you only read my ''work'' diary. You've never even seen my secret personal diary! Now, that would have been ''really'' embarrassing... ===''Bumper to Bumper'' [9.4b]=== (Released on Novemeber 17, 2012) :''[SpongeBob and Mrs. Puff crash through the wall of the house, thereby wrecking the TV]'' :'''Teenage Fish #1 and #2:''' ''[chuckling despite the 3-D movie gone from the TV]'' Wow! :'''Mrs. Puff:''' I think it's safe to say you have once again ''[gives the driving test paper to SpongeBob with a big red 'F' imposing the sheet]'' failed your driving test! ''[SpongeBob sadly looks at the paper as the teenage fish laugh at him]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' Uh, but, Mrs. Puff, I- :'''Mrs. Puff:''' No buts, SpongeBob! You fail this test over and over. I'm beginning to think you are simply... ''[gets in his face] unteachable. [teenage fish laugh again]'' Now, get out of my sight. :''[SpongeBob shakes and begins to look upset]'' :'''SpongeBob:''' I...I... ''[bawling violently at Mrs. Puff as the tears blow out of his eyes]'' I-I'm sorry, Mrs. Puff...! :''[SpongeBob runs off crying in despair as Mrs. Puff growls]'' ==Episode 5== (Released on October 27, 2012) ===''Eek, an Urchin!'' [9.5a]=== :'''Squidward''': Nothing ever happens in this dump... :'''SpongeBob''': ''[jumps up]'' Squid...! :'''Squidward''': Why did I say that? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[jumps up]'' Ward! :'''Squidward''': ''[pulls down the curtain on the window but then hears the phone ring and answers it]'' Krusty Krab. :'''SpongeBob''': Help! :'''Squidward''': ''[comes into the kitchen to see what's going on]'' What?! :'''SpongeBob''': Ahhhhhh! :''[SpongeBob is running all around the place, Squidward grabs SpongeBob and slams him down]'' :'''Squidward''': What are you screaming about?! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[jumps on Squidward's head]'' Sea urchin! Geh... :''[Squidward notices the urchin on his foot and he and SpongeBob jump onto the grill with the urchin crawling around on the walls]'' :'''SpongeBob and Squidward''': ''[screaming]'' Mr. Krabs! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[enters]'' What's all the ruckus?! :'''SpongeBob''': There's an urchin in the kitchen! :'''Mr. Krabs''': What are you talking about? The Krusty Krab is a standard in fast food cleanliness. An urchin wouldn't dare step spine in this establishment. ''[holds up his claw and notices the urchin on him and screams. The urchin jumps off his tongue and then he jumps onto the grill with SpongeBob and Squidward. The urchin continues to crawl around making strange noises. The grill then starts to smoke]'' The grill is still on... isn't it? :'''SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs''': ''[scream and jump into bathroom stalls, and into the toilets]'' Ah... ===''Squid Defense'' [9.5b]=== (Released on January 1, 2013) :'''Squidward''': Heh heh heh... What's this? Do I find myself on this dark and scary street, yet again? We'll just see what happens! ''[walks down further into the alley]'' This time! :'''Man''': Hey! You! ''[starts walking toward Squidward]'' :'''Squidward''': Let me give him a taste! A mere morsel of what's in store! ''[karate chops]'' Hi-yah! ''[kicks]'' Hi-yah! ''[flips]'' Hi-yah! That one was called Washing Sandy's Windows! ''[the man walks closer]'' Stay back or you're gonna get it! I am warning you! ''[the man continues to walk closer breathing heavily]'' Okay buddy, I warned ya! ''[near a trash can]'' I like to call this one Taking Out Sandy's Trash! Hi-yah! ''[kicks the trash can toward the man]'' :'''Man''': What? ''[gets hit on the head by the trash can]'' Ow! :'''Squidward''': ''[laughs]'' How do you like them apples? Wah! ''[punches a crate at the man]'' :'''Man''': Oh! Ow! :'''Squidward''': ''[holding two wooden planks]'' Hah! Feel my wrath! ''[throws them]'' How's your uncle?! :'''Man''': ''[gets hit on the head by one of the planks]'' Ow! ''[the other hits him on the stomach]'' Ow! :'''Squidward''': And as my finishing move! I give you Watering Sandy's Lawn! He-yah! ''[spin kicks a dumpster at the man. Then pushes it off of him]'' :'''Man''': Oh... hey, man! Wha-what was that for? ''[holding Squidward's groceries]'' I was just trying to give you back your groceries you dropped! :'''Squidward''': ''[takes the groceries]'' Uh, oh. :'''SpongeBob''': Sandy! I found him! He's over here! ''[holding the belt]'' You forgot your belt silly! ''[looks at the man and gasps]'' :'''Sandy''': Gosh! What happened to you? :'''SpongeBob''': This guy's been... ka-rah-tayed! :'''Sandy''': After all I said about never using karate for revenge? :'''SpongeBob''': For shame, Squidward. For shame. :'''Sandy''': Looks like he's not worthy of this belt after all. ''[takes the belt]'' Thanks for dishonoring our trust in you, Squidward. ''[walks off with SpongeBob]'' :'''Squidward''': Whatever! I'm still a karate master! :'''Officer John''': Wow, really? You are? ''[walks Squidward to the police car]'' :'''Squidward''': Yes I am! :'''Officer John''': Hey watch your head. ''[Squidward gets into the police car. Then John gets into it]'' Oh, I'd never guess it. :'''Squidward''': And what is that supposed to mean? :'''Officer John''': Oh, uh... nothing. Just with the rubbery arms and the doughiness in the midsection... :'''Squidward''': Okay, already! I get it! ''[notices the handcuffs on him]'' What? Wait a second. Am I under arrest? :'''Officer John''': You sure are! And you have the right to remain silent... ''[Squidward screams loudly]'' ...or not silent. ''[drives off as the episode ends]'' ==Episode 6== ===''Jailbreak!'' [9.6a]=== (Released on March 16, 2013) :'''SpongeBob''': Psst! Hey, Sheldon! :'''Plankton''': SpongeBob?! What in the sea shell are you doing here?! :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs arranged for me to work here on weekends. He wants me to keep an eye on you! :'''Plankton''': Excuse me. Doesn't this count as "cruel and unusual punishment"? :'''Prison Guard 1''': Pipe down, pipsqueak! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[takes out a toy baton]'' Look! They even gave me a training baton! ''[keeps tapping Plankton with it]'' ===''Evil Spatula'' [9.6b]=== (Released on March 9, 2013) :'''SpongeBob''': How much do we need? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Careful, SpongeBob! Just two drops and that stuff could- :'''SpongeBob''': Got it. Two dro- ''[Squeezes out some drops in the barrel. A loud explosion occurs and SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs are smeared in black and their faces are blown up.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': -blow our faces off. ==''It Came from Goo Lagoon'' [9.7]== (Released on February 17, 2014) :'''Plankton''': ''[flies his pod and uses the windshield wipers to clean the goo off the window]'' Now to see what's inside a Krabby Patty! "Just one ingredient:..." ''[rolls down the paper as he continues to read only to find that there is a stick of dynamite attached to it]'' Darn it, Krabs! ''[the dynamite explodes inside the pod and it crash lands on the roof of the Chum Bucket]'' Ow. ''[Mr. Krabs laughs at Plankton's failure with joy]'' ==Episode 8== ===''Safe Deposit Krabs'' [9.8a]=== (Released on May 25, 2013) :'''Bank Manager''': Good morning, gentlemen. ''[SpongeBob and Patrick scream]'' :'''Patrick''': We've been rumbled! Run! Scatter! Scamper! Save yourself! :'''Bank Manager''': What's all this about? [walks backwards to alarm button, SpongeBob pulls off ski mask.] May I help you with anything, sir? :'''SpongeBob''': Ah. Yes, I need to make a withdrawal. I need to withdraw one Mr. Krabs! :'''Bank Manager''': I assure you, Mr. SquarePants, we've received no such deposit. ''[opens vault]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I've gotcha now, money sucker! That does it, Lizard-breath! It's you or me, now! Just you and me! ''[wrestles the vacuum, and breaks it. Laughs evilly]'' Ooh! I conquered the money dragon! Victory! Woo! :'''Bank Manager''': Security! ''[security throws them out]'' And don't forget your… eh… deposit. ''[tosses penny at Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': You know, boyo. Through this whole ordeal, I've learned a little something about greed. A little something about isolation. Heh. Even a little something about love. And you know what I realized through it all? :'''SpongeBob''': That you can't put a price on freedom? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Barnacles no, boy! I realized that they didn't pay interest on me deposit! ''[shakes fist]'' Hey, you cheapskates! Give me me interest! ''[a penny is thrown at Mr. Krabs]'' Well. What do you know? I doubled me money. ''[laughs as the episode ends]'' ===''Plankton's Pet'' [9.8b]=== (Released on January 19, 2013) :'''Plankton''': SpongeBob, before we're torn to shreds, I'd like to thank you for helping me look for Spot. :'''SpongeBob''': Aw, it was nothing. Hey, speaking of Spots. Did yo always have a double pupil? :'''Plankton''': A double what? ''[pulls Spot off eye]'' Spot! ''[dramatic music plays in the background]'' Thank entropy you're safe! You were hiding on my optical cornea the whole time! You sneaky little amoeba, you. :''[Spot barks and licks Plankton. Plankton laughs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Aw, I'm glad you found Spot. ''[animals shrieking]'' Unfortunately, the animals found us too. :'''Plankton''': Good-bye, Spot. I guess this is the end of the road for us. :''[Spot growls, barks, and jumps out of Plankton's arms]'' :'''Plankton''': Spot, no! :''[Spot barks at other animals. the animals laugh. Spot snarls and grows to a much larger size. Spot barks loudly at animals. The animals all run away back into their cages. The cages close. Spot growls and shrinks back to small size. Spot jumps back into Plankton's arms]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow, Spot! You saved us! :'''Plankton''': I taught him everything he knows! :''[Spot barks and licks Plankton as the episode ends]'' ==Episode 9== ===''Don't Look Now'' [9.9a]=== (Released on October 14, 2013) :'''SpongeBob''': That thing's eating Squidward! :'''Patrick''': Not our bestest buddy! We gotta save him! Okay, play 33. I need you to go long. And... break. You're going down, Fisherman! ''[starts beating up Squidward's Fisherman costume while SpongeBob grabs Squidward's neck]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Don't worry, Squidward. We'll get you out of that old monster. Let's get to the window. ''[he and Squidward jump out of the window and Patrick throws heavy objects onto Squidward]'' Okay! I think you got it! ''[sirens sound; Squidward grumbles as he is taken into an ambulance]'' Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, there, there, no need to thank us. We were only doing what friends to for the bestest buddy. Well, I guess we don't have to worry about that old monster anymore. ''[The Fisherman costume growls at them]'' :'''Squidward''': Huh? :'''SpongeBob & Patrick''': ''[scream and run into ambulance. The Fisherman costume falls down, revealing Gary]'' :'''Gary''': Meow. ''[starts sleeping on the costume]'' ===''Séance Shméance'' [9.9b]=== (Released on October 14, 2013) :'''SpongeBob''': Alright guys, I hate to be a party pooper, but it's a little late for all this noise. Time to wrap it up. :'''Ghost 3''': Oohh... big face doesn't want us as patrons anymore! How about we make like a tree... and leaf! ''[laughs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Now wait just a minute, that is private property! Maybe you guys should leave! :'''Ghost 1''': Oh yeah? ''[ghost vomits]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Do I have to call-- ''[gets vomited on]'' Eww... ectoplasm. :'''Ghost 1''': Enough fooling around! How bout we have a good ol' time like we used to!? ''[ghosts chant as SpongeBob gasps. Ghosts destroy the Krusty Krab]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': You better have a darn good reason for getting me outta bed! ''[ghosts continue partying inside as he gets slimed on]'' :'''Patrick''': That good enough for ya? ''[SpongeBob screams]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Mr. Krabs! Patrick! Help! :'''Patrick''': Sorry SpongeBob, but this is the part of the story where I run away again only this time I don't know where to run to, so I'm just gonna go circling around the building. ''[screams and starts running]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Looks like a certain foolish sponge has been conversin' with the unliving! All right you floating nuisances! Time for the bossman to mop up! ''[ghosts laughs]'' Batter up! H'ya! ''[whacks ghosts into bubble as a ghost roars]'' Yeah, and go back in which ye came! ''[pops bubble]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Hi, Mr. Krabs-- :'''Mr. Krabs''': Never hold a séance, boy-o... without me permission, because ghosts are like relatives. Once you let them in, they never leave! ==Episode 10== ===''Kenny the Cat'' [9.10a]=== (Released on March 29, 2014) :'''Kenny''': ''[takes out the oxygen tank and throws it on the ground]'' This gets real uncomfortable after a while. ''[breathes in. His face turns blue. He runs to the oxygen tank]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[enters the bathroom with a Krabby Patty on a plate]'' Sorry to bother you, Mr. the Cat, but I thought you'd just like a bite to... ''[drops the patty in shock]'' Whoa! :'''Kenny''': ''[breathes through the oxygen tank and sighs. SpongeBob starts to panic]'' Good thing I've got this oxygen tank and mask, or otherwise there's no way I'd be able to hold my breath for this long. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[camera zooms in to his heart which has a face similar to his. It loses a tooth and eye, then breaks]'' How could you, Kenny?! You broke my heart! Here I was this entire time believing your act, only to discover that it was nothing but... an act! :'''Kenny''': But it's not what you think! :'''SpongeBob''': There's no room for thoughts now. Only for tears. ''[runs away, sobbing]'' :'''Kenny''': SpongeBob, wait! ''[trips over the oxygen tank, and uses it again]'' ===''Yeti Krabs'' [9.10b]=== (Released on March 29, 2015) :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[while Squidward is sleeping at the register]'' Squidward! :'''Squidward''': Ahhh! What is your problem? :'''Mr. Krabs''': My problem is that you aren't working, which means I lose M-U-N-E-E, which means you lose your J-O-B. :'''Squidward''': Remind me again, is that good news, or bad news? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Tentacles, I mean it. You get back to mindin' that register. :'''Squidward''': Minding it for... which customer? :''[both Mr. Krabs, and Squidward see that there's no customers inside the Krusty Krab]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I see your point. But still, I'm not paying you to dream sweet nothings. Do something. Pick up a mop, a window wiper. A broom, a spatuler, even! :'''Squidward''': SpongeBob's got that covered. ---- :'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm back, fellas! :'''Squidward''': ''[still pulling on the Yeti Krab's head]'' Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I'm a little busy trying to pull off this stupid mask of yours. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Uh, Squidward? :'''Squidward''': What? ''[Squidward looks for a minute at Mr. Krabs and the Yeti Krab. He is finally convinced that the Yeti Krab is real, not Mr. Krabs in disguise. He shrieks as the Yeti Krab glares at him. The Yeti Krab grabs Squidward, Mr. Krabs, and the unconscious SpongeBob, ties them to the grill and turns the heat up to cook.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': We're as good as Yeti food! I blame Squidward! ==''SpongeBob, You're Fired'' [9.11]== (Released on November 11, 2013) :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Mr. Krabs. What's the good word? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, actually, SpongeBob, uh, there's two words. And they're not very good: You're fired. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, Mr.- ''[realizes what he said]'' WHAT?! :'''Squidward''': Fired? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, you see, I've been doing some calculating, and, you know, crunching the old numbers. And it turns out that I'll save a whole nickel if I cut your salary. Completely. :'''SpongeBob''': But... How about if I work for free? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yeah, I looked into that. Apparently, it's "illegal." And I'll lose my "vendor's license." Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. :'''Customer''': Uh, excuse me. Is that mine? :'''SpongeBob''': I don't know. Maybe. ''[Drops the plate and sniffs]'' Take it. :'''Mr. Krabs''': You know, I love you like a son, but you can't argue with a nickel! :'''SpongeBob''': But--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but--but... :'''Squidward''': Hey, what about me? Can I get fired too? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I'm afraid not, Squidward. You've got seniority. :'''Squidward''': Oh, yeah. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Nope, it's gonna be you, son. ''[gives SpongeBob a can]'' You're canned. Here's your pink slip. I'm giving you an axe. ''[SpongeBob holds the axe but it splits him to half and turn him back to normal]'' You're fired! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[gasps and bursts into tears]'' No! Not that! Anything but that! ''[starts crying]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': So, if you could just hand over your spatula. Um, I'll just take that. ''[grunts as he tries to take spatula out of SpongeBob's hand]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[stops crying]'' Here. I'll get that for you. ''[takes his arm off and resumes crying]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I'll also need the hat. Allow me. ''[tries to take off SpongeBob's hat but it's connected. He succeeds with heavy resistence]'' Go ahead; take a moment to collect yourself. Long as you need. ''[walks away]'' :''[SpongeBob's tears start to flood the Krusty Krab. Squidward's register boat floats away]'' :'''Old Man Walker''': ''[swims away by sitting on a barrel]'' I'm not a very strong swimmer. :'''Squidward''': ''[comes over with a cranking hole maker and makes a hole in the floor and the tears drain through the hole. Walks away and comes back with a box carrier. He picks up SpongeBob with it]'' Okay, that's enough. It's closing time. ''[moves SpongeBob out of the Krusty Krab]'' You know, it just won't be the same around here without you. You'll have to visit sometime. As a customer. ''[pushes SpongeBob off the box carrier and backs up through the Krusty Krab doors with it and SpongeBob's cry stops. SpongeBob realizes that Squidward said and resumes crying. Squidward talks to him from the front door]'' Buh-bye now. Sayonara. Good riddance. ''[closes the door and walks past a window]'' Man, is it going to be sweet without that pest around! ''[stops as he sees SpongeBob looking through the window while whimpering and Squidward lowers a "Krabby Patty" ad to hide him]'' This day couldn't get any better. ''[turns around to see Mr. Krabs]'' Well, Eugene, let me commend you on a terrific business decision. But now that SpongeBob's gone, who will be running the grill? :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[puts SpongeBob's hat on the top of his eye stalks]'' Squidward, I'll have you know, I was 5 times "golden spatula" in the navy, ''[holds up the spatula, still attached to SpongeBob's hand]'' so I'll be running the grill. ''[it catches on fire]'' Ooh! :'''Squidward''': I can smell the grease fires already. :''[The scene changes to show nighttime, SpongeBob walking towards his house with his head lowered.] :'''SpongeBob''': ''[enters his house where Gary is waiting on the front door]'' Hey, Gary, I'm home. Forever. ''[Walks to his chair, lowers his head over the chair's arm and starts crying again.]'' :'''Gary''': ''[Walks up to the chair]'' Meow meow? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[takes his head up]'' Oh, Mr. Krabs feels he doesn't need me anymore. :'''Gary''': Meow. :'''SpongeBob''': What's that, Gary? You need me? Oh, the unconditional love of a pet. ''[Gary takes his food bowl and puts it on the chair's other arm]'' Oh, I'm sorry. Here I am wallowing in my misery, and it's past your dinnertime. ''[Gets off the chair's arm and walks to the cabinet, bows his head over the counter below it and sighs. Takes the can of Snail food out of the cabinet and uses a can opener to open it. He manages to get his arm tangled to the can]'' I used to feed everyone in Bikini Bottom. ''[He walks over to Gary and his food bowl]'' Now I just feed you. ''[He pours the snail food out of the can into Gary's food bowl. The can falls on the floor and SpongeBob's arm unwrapped as he leaves to sit on the chair. Gary brings SpongeBob's long arm and puts it over the chair's arm]'' Oh, thanks, Gary. :'''Gary''': Meow. ''[leaves]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[takes the remote]'' That's how I used to hold my spatula. ''[He jumps off the chair and gets on his knees and starts crying again. He stops when he hears a distant crying noise and then starts crying too. Stops when he hears distant crying again. He looks out his window to see it was Patrick. He walks over to the window.]'' Patrick, what's wrong? :'''Patrick''': ''[stops crying]'' Oh, hey, SpongeBob. I heard you crying and it made me sad. ''[Both do a stifled crying]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Gee, I'm sorry. Why don't you come inside? :'''Patrick''': Okay. ''[enters by breaking through the wall]'' Hi, SpongeBob! Why are you making me so sad? :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, the most horrible thing happened today. I got-- ''[tries to say "fired"]'' f-f-f-f-f-f-f... :'''Patrick''': Free French fries? :'''SpongeBob''': F-f-f-f-f-f-f... :'''Patrick''': Fried Frittatas? :'''SpongeBob''': F-f-f-f-f-f-f... :'''Patrick''': Frothy frappe? :'''SpongeBob''': F-f-f-f... :'''Patrick''': I can't think of any more food that starts with the letter "c," SpongeBob. :'''SpongeBob''': It's not food, Patrick. I got fired. :'''Patrick''': Hey, that's great! Being unemployed is the best gig I know! ''[He grabs SpongeBob's side]'' I tell you what. Meet me tomorrow morning, and I'll introduce you to the wonders of the unemployed lifestyle. :'''SpongeBob''': Sorry, Patrick, I can't. I have to wor-- Oh. Yeah, okay. :'''Patrick''': ''[pats him on the head]'' Great. See you then. ''[Exits by breaking through another wall and leaves a hole behind. SpongeBob sighs.]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''SpongeBob''': I'm afraid I can't do this anymore, Patrick. Unemployment may be fun for you, but I need to get a job. <hr width="50%"> :'''SpongeBob''': ''[someone knocks on the door. Goes towards the front door and opens it to see that nobody is there.]'' Hello. Hmm. That's odd. I could've sworn I heard a knock at the door. ''[Two fish dressed in hot dog costumes puts him between two big buns. SpongeBob yells while being muffled]'' :''[The Hot Dog Minions takes him to "Weenie Hut" where Mr. Weiner handcuffs SpongeBob's right hand to pipe and SpongeBob's left hand to hot dog tongs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[confused]'' Mr. Weenie? :'''Mr. Weiner''': Congratulations, SpongeBob, you've been promoted. :'''SpongeBob''': But you just fired me. :'''Mr. Weiner''': That's mustard under the bun, my boy. The important thing is my customers love your little sliders. ''[shows "Weenie Patty"]'' Now get to work! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[raises handcuffed hand]'' I'm pretty sure this is illegal. What am I gonna do now? :'''Pizza Pete''': ''[from the background]'' Pst! ''[shows him in the shadow]'' Hey, kid. You need help out of here? ''[leans out of the shadow]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Pizza Pete! Yes, please. That wiener has me chained to the grill, ''[Pizza Pete approaches him]'' and he really seems to be relishing it. :'''Pizza Pete''': I have something to free you. ''[yakes pizza sauce out]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Pizza sauce? ''[Pizza Pete puts the pizza sauce on both handcuffs and he slips them off]'' I'm free! :'''Pizza Pete''': Great! Now you can get to my grill. ''[takes bread stick out]'' :'''SpongeBob''': What? ''[Pizza Pete ties his hands with the breadstick]'' Parmesan-crusted breadstick?! ''[Pizza Pete takes him]'' Whoa! :'''Mr. Weiner''': ''[from the kitchen door]'' Hey! Where are you going with my fry cook?! :''[Cuts SpongeBob being carried by Pizza Pete and screaming]'' :'''Noodleman''': ''[swipes SpongeBob with a pair of giant chopsticks and laughs while being on a roof]'' I'll take one fry-cook to go! ''[jumps off the roof and laughs again after landing. Señor Taco opens the door next to him and sends him away]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[lands]'' Oh, thank you, Señor Tac-! ''[Señor Taco grabs him with his suit]'' Oh, no! Not you too! Ahhhh! :'''Pizza Pete, Mr. Weiner, and Noodleman''': ''[Señor Taco runs into them]'' Get him! ''[they jump on Señor Taco]'' :''[Fight starts and smoke covers the screen that soon disappears to show all four of them stretching SpongeBob by pulling each of his limbs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Whoa! :'''Noodleman''': Let go! :'''Mr. Weiner''': He's mine! :'''Senor Taco''': I was here first! :'''Pizza Pete''': No, I was! :''[Scene expands to show someone in a Krabby Patty costume on the roof.]'' :'''Krabby Patty Man''': Stop! Unhand that sponge! ''[Jumps on Pizza Pete and punches him away. Takes Señor Taco and destroys his costume by gobbling it. Señor Taco runs away embarrassed.]'' :'''Noodleman''': ''[drops SpongeBob]'' It's the Killer Patty! ''[gets noodles squeezed out of his costume by Krabby Patty Man, Noodleman pops up from the noodles]'' :'''Mr. Weiner''': ''[Krabby Patty Man walks towards him and he drops SpongeBob before he gets to him]'' Here, take him! Just don't hurt me. ''[Whimpers with eyes closed. Opens eyes to see that Krabby Patty Man is gone and sighs. Starts humming while crossing the street and is hit by a bus]'' Aah! :''[The scene changes to show SpongeBob waking up]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[opens eyes]'' Krabby Patty! You saved me! ==Episode 12== ===''Lost in Bikini Bottom'' [9.12a]=== (Released on July 16, 2015) :'''SpongeBob''': ''[as he enters, the Krusty Krab, he notices Squidward]'' Squidward! Squidward, can you believe I made it?! ''[Old Man Jenkins appears to be hanging from the razor-wires on SpongeBob, and groans]'' :'''Squidward''': Congratulations. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[appears]'' What are you doing, boy?! You're scaring all me customers with your foul stench! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hugs Mr. Krabs]'' Mr. Krabs! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[pushes SpongeBob off of him]'' Oh no, lad, you're not coming in here looking like that! ''[shot of SpongeBob looking like a wreck]'' You're going straight home for a nice long bubble bath! ''[Mr. Krabs pushes SpongeBob outside]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[sadly]'' Aye-aye, sir. ''[walks away]'' :'''Squidward''': What?! He gets to go home and take a bubble bath?! That's my thing! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Yes it is. And consequently, you are just neat as a pin! Now get to work! :'''Squidward''': I'm as neat as a pin? I'll show you neat as a pin! ''[he runs outside, and gets himself dirty by rolling in dirt, ripping off his shirt, and pouring dirt on his head]'' Where's my bubble bath, Mr. Krabs?! ''[Mr. Krabs sprays Squidward with a hose]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': There you go! ''[a truck passes by and drives over a puddle, spraying Squidward, who is already laying in the puddle, with more water]'' Now get to work! ''[Sal exits out of his truck]'' :'''Sal''': Uh, you guys open? I have coupons! "Buy one, get one free!" :'''Mr. Krabs''': Oh no! It says "Buy one for a fee!" :'''Sal''': Oh! I stand corrected! ''[Mr. Krabs and Sal walk off-screen, leaving Squidward in the puddle, as the episode ends]'' ===''Tutor Sauce'' [9.12b]=== (Released on July 16, 2015) :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[checks his mirror which says, "Objects in Mirror Will Be Expensive." mirror pans to The Krusty Krab entrance and a sign saying "Broken Wall" appears]'' Oh, broken wall. ''[a sign saying "$15,000" appears]'' That's about $5,000. ''[the mirror pans to the inside of The Krusty Krab where smoke is coming out of the kitchen window and a sign saying "Kitchen Fire" appears]'' Oh, kitchen fire. ''[a sign saying "$6,523.87" appears]'' Oh, that'll be about 6 grand. Oh! A lawsuit? ''[mirror pans to Squidward hitting Harold on the head with a spatula and a sign saying "Lawsuit" appears along with a sign saying "$150,000,000,000."]'' Oh, that's a lot of zeroes! Oh. ''[his eyes deflate, but they quickly return back to normal]'' :''[bubble transition to the boat breaking a "One Way" sign as Mr. Krabs gasps, then screams with SpongeBob as SpongeBob drives the wrong way on the road, avoiding other boats and a gasoline truck. The boat then goes out of control for a few seconds before stopping on the road again]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Well, at least I didn't hit the Krusty Krab that time. ''[chuckles nervously. The scene cuts to the other boats that were avoiding Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob crashing into the Krusty Krab, including the gasoline truck which destroys the Krusty Krab in a fiery explosion and leaving a charred Squidward left standing]'' ==Episode 13== ===''Squid Plus One'' [9.13a]=== (Released on September 7, 2015) :'''Squidward''': ''[quickly removes his relaxing stuff and takes out a phone book]'' Let's see here. Friends. ''[coughs and then blows away the dust, then sighs] [while looking through the phone book]'' Friends, friends... ''[keeps flipping the pages until he spots the number, "555-5717". Squidward gets surprised until it is revealed that the number was formed by little bugs]'' Hm. Yeah. I wonder if I still have my receipt for this thing? No big deal. Anybody can make a friend by... ''[reveals more of the card that says...]'' '''"TONIGHT!"?''' ''[walks around the house]'' Let's see. There must be someone who's a real part of your life, Squidward. Who do you see every single day? Who do you know like the back of your suction cups? ''[sees SpongeBob out the window, laughing and playing with his jump rope]'' But, of course! It's so simple. ''[runs outside. SpongeBob falls on his jump rope]'' SpongeBob, I have something to ask you. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[happily blinks his eyes to the camera]'' Of course, I'll go to the opening with you! :'''Squidward''': That wasn't the question. Which way did the mailman go? <hr width=50%> :'''Perch Perkins''': And here comes Squidward Tentacles and what must be either a bizarre piece of performance art or the saddest display of loneliness it has ever been my displeasure to report. One is inclined to suspect the second thing I said. The thing about sadness! ===''The Executive Treatment'' [9.13b]=== (Released on September 7, 2015) :'''Fish''': Right here is where all the biggest business decisions in the business are made. Why, if an imposter were to be caught in here, hmm… :'''Patrick''': He’d be given a sandwich and sent on his way? :'''Fish''': No, he’d be convicted as a corporate spy and sent to jail forever and ever and ever. ==Episode 14== ===''Company Picnic'' [9.14a]=== (Released on September 25, 2015) :''[The pen is hurling towards Simmy]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[in slow motion, he runs to Simmy]'' Simmy, look out! There's a candied pen heading straight for your eye due to my act of swatting it away without first considering the trajectory! Oh, I wish I could give my words out faster, but everything's in slow motion! ''[The pen is about to hit Simmy]'' NO! ''[However, instead of hitting Simmy, it went through the robot. The pen lands on the ground and rolls to a projector. SpongeBob bangs on the projector, revealing that Simmy and Tally was just a trash can and a ball wash post]'' Simmy and Tally are holograms? Then that means... ''[The projector reveals that the world's most exciting roller coaster was actually a rotting corpse of a sea monster]'' :'''Squidward''': I was riding ''that''? What about those delicacies I was eating? :''[The projector reveals that the food Squidward ate was just rotten chum. The projector also revealed that the pen he was sucking on was a caterpillar. Squidward freaks out and rubs his tongue in disgust. The projector reveals that the van Plankton drove on was an old broken down van. Mr. Krabs gasps in wonder what the stuffed walruses were. But nothing happens.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Whew! That was a clo... ''[The projector reveals that the stuffed walruses were actually fish skeletons. Mr. Krabs screams in terror and the skeletons crumble to dust]'' You saved me, boy. How did you do it? :'''SpongeBob''': I guess my mind was all sharp from the relaxing fun I had at your company picnic, Mr. Krabs. :'''Plankton''': ''[walks up to them]'' Unbelievable! ''[Mr. Krabs picks Plankton up]'' Uh-oh. ''[Mr. Krabs puts Plankton on the disk-shaped paper with mustard and throws him out in the distance. Once it landed, there was an explosion]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[jumps up as a rainbow appears and jellyfish fly around]'' The greatest company picnic ever! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Alright, enough relaxing. Back to work! [laughs as he leaves] :''[The episode ends with SpongeBob still being in the air and an angry Squidward gets stung in the head by a jellyfish]'' ===''Pull Up a Barrel'' [9.14b]=== (Released on September 18, 2015) :'''Squidward''': What are we all winking about? :'''SpongeBob''': I don't know! ''[SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs continues to wink, much to Squidward's annoyance.]'' ==Episode 15== ===''Sanctuary!'' [9.15a]=== (Released on October 16, 2015) :'''SpongeBob''': ''[after seeing a truck, he hides Senor Poopus behind his back, run and trips over a snail, and falls face flat in the sand. He emerges with his face full of sand and disfigured like Quasimodo]'' Sanctuary! Sanctuary! Everybody in. Everybody in! ===''What's Eating Patrick?'' [9.15b]=== (Released on October 2, 2015) :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[singing] Oh... I wonder, wonder, wonder how many Krabby Patties must we make?'' :'''Squidward''': Wonder no longer. You only need 1. :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[gasps; singing backwards] ⸮ekam ew tsum seittaP ybbaK ynam woh rednow, rednow, rednow I ...hO (Oh... I wonder, wonder, wonder how many Krabby Patties must we make?)'' What do you mean "''1''"? :'''Squidward''': Didn't you see today's newspaper? :'''Mr. Krabs''': "No takers for McNulty Challenge". Ha! What's that suppose to mean? :'''Squidward''': He's the current champion. He only needs to eat 1 patty to win. ==Episode 16== ===''Patrick! The Game'' [9.16a]=== (Released on November 11, 2015) :''[Squidward is at the Krusty Krab]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[comes in]'' I invented a game! I invented a game! :'''Squidward''': ''[doesn't want to know what the game is]'' Whoopee. Do tell. :'''Patrick''': Well, you know how hard "Tic-Tac-Toe" is and how it always takes so long to play? :'''Squidward''': Uh-huh. :'''Patrick''': Yeah! Well, I made it easier and faster! :'''Squidward''': ''[sighs]'' I know I'm gonna hate myself for saying this, but what do you got? :'''Patrick''': It's called "Tic-Tac"! ''[holds out a notebook]'' You start with four lines that are crossed. And then the first person puts an X. And then the next person puts an, uh... ''[thinks]'' :'''Squidward''': O? :'''Patrick''': Oh, yeah! An O! And the first person to get four in a row draws a line through them and says, "Tic-Tac"!. ''[rips off the paper and laughs]'' You start! :''[Squidward draws an X then Patrick draws an O. Squidward draws another X and draws a line through them]'' :'''Squidward''': Tic-Tac. :'''Patrick''': Uh... ''[rips off another paper]'' Best two out of four? :'''French Narrator''': ''[narrating time card]'' Many Tic-Tacs later... :''[Squidward and Patrick had been playing "Tic-Tac" for a while. As they played one more time, Patrick becomes worried as Squidward draws in the notebook]'' :'''Squidward''': ''Tic'' and ''Tac''. :'''Patrick''': I should've gone with my first idea: "Tic." :''[The X's, O's, and the writing of the Galley Grub starts disappearing before the scene changes to Squidward riding his recumbent bicycle. Patrick runs up to him]'' :'''Patrick''': Squidward, I got a new game! It's called "Rock, Paper, Butter"! ''[holds out a stick of butter melting in his hand]'' :'''Squidward''': ''Butter'' invent a different game! ''[laughs]'' :''[Squidward rides away as Patrick eats the stick of butter and sulks sadly back home. The scene changes to Squidward watering his garden. Patrick shows up with two ropes. A long one and a short one]'' :'''Patrick''': Squidward, I got it! [throws the ropes on the ground] Whose Rope Is Longer? You... ''[Squidward picks up the long rope before Patrick finishes]'' You played this before! <hr width=50%> :'''Patrick''': Welcome, gamers! And behold! ''[thunderclaps]'' My game! :''[Patrick's game board is made out of random board games and is shaped like Patrick himself]'' :'''SpongeBob''': It's beautiful! :'''Squidward''': ''[yawns]'' Are we finished? Who won? ''[Sandy, disgusted by Squidward's rude behavior, nudges him, much to Squidward's annoyance]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[laughs]'' No, my friend. We have only just begun. :'''Sandy''': What's it called, Patrick? :'''Squidward''': Might I suggest "''Garbage''"? ''[Sandy growls at Squidward]'' What? :'''SpongeBob''': Yeah, Patrick. What's it called? :''[As Patrick thinks, Mini Brain Patrick pushes a light bulb out of his head and it lights up.]'' :'''Patrick''': It's called... "Patrick!!" ''[thunderclaps]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Wow! :'''Squidward''': Could we just get started already? I'm late for my coma. ''[still annoyed by Squidward, Sandy zips Squidward's mouth shut]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, Squidward, you finally understand the rules! :'''Squidward''': Oh, I get the rules alright. The rules are that it doesn't matter what anybody rolls! You can just make up whatever it means! ''[takes the dice and rolls them]'' So I could just roll the dice and say, "Automatic Winner!" :'''SpongeBob''': Good job, Squidward! You've won! :'''Sandy''': Nice play, Squidward! :'''Squidward''': Huh? Oh, you know what, you're right. That was a good play. :'''Patrick''': Not so fast! ''[writes on his rule card]'' No player may declare himself "Automatic Winner." :'''Squidward''': You did it again. ''[becomes furious]'' '''You made up another rule! THIS GAME IS THE WORST! STUPID GAME!''' ''[Infuriated with Patrick's constant rules, he attacks Patrick. SpongeBob and Sandy run off while he grabs Patrick's game board and shakes it off of Patrick. Then he throws Patrick in the air and when Patrick landed, the game breaks in half. Squidward then puts a piece of the game board in his mouth and shakes his head like a dog. He stomps on it with both feet out of insane anger. However, the police arrives at the scene]'' :'''Highway Speed Patrol''': Destruction to private property. ''[Patrick, who's visibly enraged at Squidward for destroying his game, writes on his rule card and gives it to the police. Squidward tries to walk away but Nancy O'Malley and the Highway Speed Patrol follow him]'' Oh, and I see here you are a repeat offender. You're going to real jail. ''[he and Nancy O'Malley grab Squidward and throw him in the police car]'' :'''Squidward''': Anything to get out of this game! Thanks, Officers! ''[however, the blue cellmate comes back inside the box]'' :'''Blue Cellmate''': Welcome back! :'''Squidward''': Somebody say my name! ''[the police car drives away]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[appears on a game board box; to the viewers]'' GAME OVER! :''[the episode ends]'' ===''The Sewers of Bikini Bottom'' [9.16b]=== (Released on November 11, 2015) :''[The episode begins with many customers at the Krusty Krab while Squidward is awakened from his normal nap when Mr. Krabs makes an announcement.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Listen up, crew, I have an announcement. Bikini Bottom's newest sports stadium will officially be named after this restaurant! :'''SpongeBob''': "The Krusty Krab Stadium." Wow! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Paying for the naming rights, will make me millions! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[grabs a foam hand and a pennant]'' Opening day is today! Tailgate party! ''[running past Mr. Krabs]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[he pulls SpongeBob back]'' Not for you! Your tails have to stay here and pay me back some of that money I spent. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[grabs a green foam hat]'' Hurray for Mr. Krabs! :'''Mr. Krabs''': While I'm gone, Squidward mans the helm. ''[leaves the restaurant]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Charlton Hawkfish''': This is what you get when so-called fish kind in all its hubris and ignorance stoop so low... ''[points to Mr. Krabs and Crupski]'' ...as to cut corners in its plumbing system! Extinction is the result of being cheap! :'''Mr. Krabs''': What a bunch of malarkey. :'''Charlton Hawkfish''': At least we didn't waken the great sewer snake. ''[sees the sewer snake behind him as he looks up]'' Check that. :''[All of the customers run out of the stadium upon seeing the sewer snake, but Charlton does not go back down. He throws the axe, pulls up he sleeves, and runs heroically towards the snake. However, he has an idea on how to defeat it. He points to his nose.]'' :'''Sewer Snake''': ''[with a squeaky voice]'' Uh-oh. :''[Charlton pokes the snake with his pointy nose and the snake yelps and flies around like a balloon and falls back through the hole and into the sewers. Back at the Krusty Krab, the toilet erupts with water and floods the restroom. The water bursts out of the restroom with the safe covered in filth. The safe is opened by Squidward who along with SpongeBob are covered in sewage.]'' :'''Squidward''': Hey, everybody. The cook's back from the toilet. :'''SpongeBob''': Who's hungry? :''[All customers then burst out from the Krusty Krab, screaming and freaking out, as the episode ends.]'' ==Episode 17== ===''SpongeBob LongPants'' [9.17a]=== (Released on February 15, 2016) :'''SpongeBob''': Wow! Another Mermaid Man reboot. It's how I always re-imagined the reboot would be remade. ''[wind blows; shivers]'' Ooh, cold knees! :'''Salesfish''': ''[drives by, then park and jumps out of his boat with a suitcase]'' Well you see you got cold knees, icy joints like... vivian, patellas? What you need is a pair of longpants. :'''SpongeBob''': LongPants? ''[twists around looking at the pants spin around him]'' <hr width=50%> :'''SpongeBob''': I don't get it. We have been staring at this table for three hours. That table could use a cleaning. :'''Squidward''': Shh! Some people are trying to enjoy le cinema. :'''SpongeBob''': Oh! Hey Squidward! Hey, do you understand what this movie is about? :'''Squidward''': Nobody does, it's art, now sit down! :'''SpongeBob''': Hey Squidward? :'''Squidward''': ''[loudly]'' What?! :'''SpongeBob''': Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise? It's very important because the heat.. :'''Squidward''': ''[really loud]'' '''PLEASE SIT DOWN!''' :'''Movie Theater Attendant''': ''[shines a flashlight in Squidward's face]'' I'm sorry sir, you're being too loud. I am going to have to ask you to leave. :'''Squidward''': ''[grumbling as he is walking away]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, wait, Squidward, I'll walk you out. ''[Squidward continues to grumble as he exits the theater]'' Squidward! ===''Larry's Gym'' [9.17b]=== (Released on February 15, 2016) :'''Larry''': You see before you is a combination of my lifelong dream! A place of my own where I can work out everyday and anytime I want, Larry's Gym! ''[crowd is cheering again]'' :'''Larry''': Looking out at this sea of plastic muscles and sagging flesh, frankly, I'm disgusted. :'''Crowd''': Awwww! :'''Larry''': I'm now opening the gym to everyone in Bikini Bottom! ''[crowd cheers for the third time]'' ...For the price of a lifetime membership. :'''Crowd''': Awww! ''[looks down]'' :'''Larry''': But today, everything is free! :''[The crowd cheers and runs into gym.]'' :'''Frankie Billy''': [appears with scissors through his head] You're the lobster, Larry! The Alpha Lobster! :'''Larry''': Well, I don't know if I'll say that! ''[buffs up]'' :'''Lloyd-Rich''': Oh, I filled out a membership form! ''[hands the form to Larry]'' :'''Nat Peterson''': Me too! ''[hands the form to Larry]'' :'''Larry''': What's in that pink box? :'''Nat Peterson''': Um, donuts, sir? :'''Larry''' ''[throws away the box of donuts]'' "Dough" not bring those in here! In the meantime, enjoy yourself because your first visit is free! :'''Mr. Krabs''' ''[magically appears out of nowhere, literally]'' Is it true that everything is free? :'''Larry''': That's right, sir! For your first visit, we– ''[Mr. Krabs runs off and disappears.]'' Hello? In conclusion, I'm at your service to turn anyone–''anyone''–into a rippling heap of muscle glory! ''[buffs up once more]'' <hr width=50%> :''[The scene changes to the Krusty Krab late at night. SpongeBob is happily flipping the patties on the grill.]'' :'''Squidward''': Well, that was the last customer, SpongeBob. :'''SpongeBob''': ''[places his two spatulas in his pockets]'' Oh, what a great day. :'''Squidward''': And you know why it was a great day? Because Krabs never even showed up! :''[The scene changes to Larry's gym getting ready to open up for the morning. Larry is walking by the steam room until he sees steam coming out.]'' :'''Larry''': Huh? ''[sniffs]'' What is that smell? ''[jiggles the doorknob]'' Mr. Krabs, how long have you been in there?! :''[Larry pulls the door off and sees Mr. Krabs as a cooked up crab on a plate with melted butter and lemons on the side, meaning that he had been in the steam room too long.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': I think I'm done! Would you mind rubbin' a little butter on me? ''[the episode ends]'' ==Episode 18== ===''The Fish Bowl'' [9.18a]=== (Released on May 2, 2016) :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick, you are making very poor choices! ===''Married to Money'' [9.18b]=== (Released on May 3, 2016) :'''Mr. Krabs''': You know somethin'? ''[jumps off the bench and points at Cashina]'' You look like $1,000,000 when you smile. ''[Cashina giggles again; Mr. Krabs gets down onto one knee]'' Cashina, would you make this old crab's day... and allow me to take you to a place where you can buy me dinner? ''[smiles again]'' :'''Cashina''': I'd love to... ''[her face becomes completely transparent as the rest of her darkens, revealing none other than Plankton inside, sitting on a chair and controlling Cashina by means of a lever, a control panel with buttons, a joystick, and a microphone on it, and a camera]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[puts his hand over the microphone]'' ...Scam you out of your secret formula, that is. ''[laughs evilly as Cashina's face reappears; she covers her mouth as Plankton's laugh only comes out as a small giggle]'' ---- :''[Mr. Krabs is ready to tell Cashina the formula, but he gets emotional and cries; a tear falls in Cashina's mouth, destroying her and revealing her as Plankton in disguise]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[Girl voice, changing to his own voice]'' Come on, Krabs, let it all out! Huh? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Plankton?! :'''Plankton''': No, no, I'm not Plankton! I'm Cashina... your blushing bride! I.. uh... uh... Am I blushing? :'''Mr. Krabs''': You... MONSTER! :''[He is about to crush Plankton but is too heartbroken to do so]'' :'''Plankton''': You're not gonna crush me? :'''Mr. Krabs''': I've been alone for so long, and for the first time in forever, I felt for someone! Well, some''thing''. I mean, a pile of cash with lips? It was all too good to be true. Cashina may have not been real, but me feelings were, weren't they? :'''Plankton''': Get a hold of yourself, Krabs! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Plankton, are you saying it was all just a scheme to you?! And you felt ''nothing?!'' :'''Plankton''': You're crazy! I'm out of here, and one day, the formula will be mine! Mark it! ==Episode 19== ===''Mall Girl Pearl'' [9.19a]=== (Released on March 12, 2016) :'''Beatrice''': ...And that's why today, we all wear shoes. :'''Marina''': Okay, okay, We get it. We will stop being mean, I promise. Just let us go. :'''All''': Whoa! ''[groaning]'' :'''Marina''': Listen, Pearl. We didn't mean to hurt your feeling or anything. We just, like, think it's weird that you're, like, a grandma now or whatever. We don't really get it. :'''Pearl''': Well, I don't care what you think anymore anyway. I'm being true to myself, and--and that's all that matters! ===''Two Thumbs Down'' [9.19b]=== (Released on March 12, 2016) :'''Mr. Krabs''': SpongeBob, you old patty junkie! Welcome home son! ''[SpongeBob glances at Patrick]'' :'''Patrick''': It's okay, I hate work anyway. ''[everyone laughs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Oh, Patrick! :'''Patrick''': No really, I do hate work! ''[everyone laughs even harder, even Patrick starts laughing]'' Everybody's laughing! Oh hey SpongeBob, I got something for ya! :'''SpongeBob''': Yes, Patrick? :''[Patrick gives SpongeBob two thumbs-ups, as well as SpongeBob. The crowd cheers, SpongeBob's and Patrick's thumbs launch into the air, and explode and the episode ends]'' ==Episode 20== ===''Sharks VS Pods'' [9.20a]=== (Released on May 4, 2016) :'''SpongeBob''': Showdown? I can't fight in a showdown! I'll have to go into the Witness Protection program, ''[goes through pictures of The Krusty Krab]'' I'll have to quit working at The Krusty Krab, I'll never flip a succulent Krabby Patty ever again. Oh, what have I done? ''[notices a note next to Gary's food bowl and picks it up and reads it.]'' "Hey yo Sponge-o, we were in your neck of the woods and decided to pickup your beloved pet Gary, if you wanna see him you better hightail your porous caboose over to the showdown, sincerely Sharkface and the other Sharks", Gary! No! ''[runs through the wall and out of his house, but runs back and breaks through the door.]'' I have to save Gary, I have to go to the showdown! I have to get ready to fight! ''[puts on shades; gets 100% lard patty oil and dips his head in it, and then has some hair, he uses his hair to hit a punching bag, and then spins around two spatulas and slices almost everything in the room.]'' I'm ready! ===''CopyBob DittoPants'' [9.20b]=== (Released on May 5, 2016) :'''SpongeBob''': Looks like you sponges have everything covered. :'''Me Two''': Mm-hmm! ''[suddenly turns pale]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Hey, you don't look so good. Can I take you home? Where do you live? :'''Me Two''': I came from the Chum Bucket. :'''SpongeBob''': [realizing] The Chum Bucket? :'''Plankton''': ♪I'm going to know the formula! I'm going to know the formula...♪ :'''SpongeBob''': Plankton! ''[Plankton halts before him]'' Me Two says you made him in a copy machine, so that you could steal the secret formula! :'''Plankton''': Well, that's pattonly ridiculous! :'''Me Two''': ''[weakly]'' Ugh... :'''SpongeBob''': You’ve gotta help him! I think he's sick or something. :'''Me Two''': ''[scrunching up]'' I feel funnyyyy... :''[Suddenly, Me Two rolls up like a paper roll in mid-air and disappears from existence]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ME TWO, ME TWO! Oh! What happened to him?! :'''Plankton''': I was afraid of that. I thought I'd save some money by using cheap toner. :'''SpongeBob''': What does that mean? :'''Plankton''': It means my plan is ruined! All the SpongeBob copies will fade away now! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[shocked]'' Fade away...? All my brand new friends?! ''[crying]'' NOOO! THEY CAN'T!! ''[cries; runs inside and talks to a clone mopping]'' NO! DON'T DISAPPEAR! :''[The clone also turns grey, scrunches and rolls up, and disappears like Me Two; SpongeBob cries harder]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[to a clone]'' Quickly, man! Before you fade, what's the formula?! :'''SpongeBob Copy''': It's easy. You take one par -- Whoa! I don't feel so good... ''[turns grey, rolls up, disappears]'' :'''Plankton''': Wait, no! ''[to a clone carrying dishes]'' You, the formula?! ''[the clone also disappears; to a clone dusting a table]'' The formula?! ''[that clone disappears; to a clone at the register]'' The formula?! ''[he disappears; to a clone flipping patties]'' The formula?! ''[he disappears; a patty hits him]'' Ouch! :''[He runs to several clones in the restaurant; SpongeBob keeps crying over losing his friends]'' :'''Plankton''': The formula, the formula, the formula?! :''[They all disappear. Scene cuts to a bunch of other copies cleaning the roof, mowing the lawn, and some other things but they disappear. Then the scene cuts to Patrick playing with some of the copies but they disappear also.]'' :'''Patrick''': Life is but a walking shadow. Ha-lube-lube-lube-lube-lube... ''[Stopped because he gets hit by a lawnmower and gets split into 9 mini copies of himself. Scene transitions to Plankton running over to the final copy.]'' :'''Plankton''': What's the formula?! ''[Mr. Krabs enters.]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, I did it. I calculated 1 paycheck down into 300 separate tiny checks. Only one of you left? Here. :''[The final clone disappears]'' :'''Plankton''': Geez, what a cheapskate. ==Episode 21== ===''Sold!'' [9.21a]=== (Released on May 6, 2016) :''[Squidward presents himself at SpongeBob's home, dressed up in typical German clothes, in order to convince him that a German family has moved there]'' :'''Squidward''': ''[with a German accent]'' Ehm... German hello...? :'''SpongeBob''': ACH! Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob.) :'''Squidward''': ''[baffled]'' Say what? :'''SpongeBob''': Guten Morgen! Mein Name ist SpongeBob. Ich bin gekommen, um meine alte Heimat zu besuchen. (Good morning! My name is SpongeBob. I came to visit my old home.) :'''Squidward''': Please, would you speaken Sie English? I need za practice... ===''Lame and Fortune'' [9.21b]=== (Released on July 11, 2016) :'''SpongeBob''': We have to share these with everybody! ''[cuts to inside the Krusty Krab]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': No, SpongeBob. We are not handling out anything free for every purchase. Even the smiles here cost a nickel. :'''SpongeBob''': Aw, why not, Mr. Krabs? :'''Squidward''': Hahaha. Because, SpongeBob. Fortune cookie fortunes are always lame and they never come true. <hr width=50%> :'''Plankton''': I guess I didn't really think that through. :'''Mr. Krabs''': I figured the funeral fortune was phony, Plankton. :'''Plankton''': Oh, yeah?! What are you going to do about it, Eugene? :'''Mr. Krabs''': Nothing, Sheldon. ''[holds a fortune cookie]'' Here, have a fortune cookie. ''[gives Plankton the fortune cookie]'' :'''Plankton''': ''[opens fortune cookie and starts reading the fortune teller]'' Eh. "You will go on a long voyage where you will get everything you deserve." ''[gets picked up by Mr. Krabs]'' Hey! :''[the ending follows to a Chinese restaurant where Plankton pops out of a fortune cookie and is avoiding the chopsticks.]'' :'''Plankton''': Ahh! Hey! ''[gets grabbed by the chopsticks]'' Ooh! Mommy! ''[a chomping noise is heard]'' ==''Goodbye, Krabby Patty?'' [9.22]== :''[Patrick looks at SpongeBob, who gives him a thumbs up. Patrick looks at Don Grouper and Mr. Krabs. Patrick looks at SpongeBob again]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh...! :'''Patrick''': ''[turns to the audience; awkwardly]'' Good evening, ladies and the other ones. I know you're all excited to see the 400th commercial, but before we see it, I just want to say that Frozen Krabby Patties are ''MADE WITH SAND!'' ''[The audience gasps in shock]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''[shocked]'' Oh, no! ''[faints in Don Grouper's arms again]'' :'''Don Grouper''': That was cute when you were rich. ''[drops Mr. Krabs and surrenders with his hands up guiltily]'' I'm out of here. ''[leaves the stage as the audience vomit out sand. In doing so, their butts shrink down to their normal size. The scene changes to a graph of the Frozen Krabby Patty sales going down]'' :'''Perch Perkins''': And in shocking news today, it has been revealed that Frozen Krabby Patties are made with sand. :''[As everyone is watching the news, various people vomit out sand and their butts shrink back to normal. One of which vomits out palm trees. Another vomits out patty-shaped sand. Another vomits out sand shaped like a rectangular box. Another vomits sand through his eye sockets. Another vomits out sand with a snail in it. Then their butts begins to shrivel up afterwards. Not wanting to take this anymore, the customers decided once and for all to throw away all of the frozen patties they bought. Mr. Krabs is seen near a trashcan, depressed. The Krusty Factory is being closed down and pushed away by construction workers]'' :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, it's gone. Everything I spent me life building is all gone. I'm ruined. ''[sobs]'' ==Episode 23== ===''Sandy's Nutmare'' [9.23a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': Oh no! The nuts stopped! :'''Patrick''': Hold on! I got this! ''[pokes the tree with his umbrella, but much to his horror, the tree cracks, loses its leaves and inexplicably dies]'' :''[SpongeBob and Patrick scream]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Oh no! Patrick, we have to do something! Sandy'll never forgive us if we ruined her tree! :'''Patrick''': And I'll never forgive her if she runs out of Nutty Butter! ===''Bulletin Board'' [9.23b]=== :'''SpongeBob''': ''[to Mr. Krabs]'' Let's see what other nice people are saying. ''[walks out of Mr. Krabs' office. Moments later, he is standing in front of the bulletin board, screaming and clutching his head]'' '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!''''' :'''Dave''': What are you shrieking about? :'''SpongeBob''': ''[hurriedly covers a space of the bulletin board; evasively]'' Nothing, I just love to shriek! '''''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!''''' ==Episode 24== ===''Food Con Castaways'' [9.24a]=== :'''Mr. Krabs''': I don't wanna hear another peep from anyone until we get to Food Con! :''[Pause]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[alarmed]'' PEEP! :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''Not'' a peep! :'''SpongeBob''': '''PEEP!!!''' :'''Mr. Krabs''': ''NOT'' A PEEP! :'''SpongeBob''': '''''PEEP!!!!!''''' ''[points ahead]'' :'''Everyone''': PEEP'S CLIFF!!! <hr width=90%> :'''SpongeBob''': Positions everyone! ''[SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward position themselves to protect the Krabby Patty at all costs. Suddenly, they hear something growling in the bushes. They get scared by the growling sound until a small snail pops out and meows]'' Aww. Hey, little fella. ''[thinks the snail was harmless and friendly, but to his surprise, the snail transforms into a monster and roars at them. Everyone screams and the snail monster grabs the Krabby Patty]'' :'''SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward''': THE PATTY! :''[The snail monster begins to fly away with the Krabby Patty]'' :'''SpongeBob''': ''[Panics and runs around]'' Oh, what are we gonna do?! :'''Mr. Krabs''': Don't eat my patty! ''[grabs Squidward and throws him in the air]'' :''[Squidward ends up in the snail monster's claws and the monster eats Squidward. However, the monster spits Squidward out and rubs his tongue, meaning that he didn't like the taste of Squidward. Squidward falls flat on his face in the ground and SpongeBob catches the Krabby Patty]'' :'''SpongeBob''': Squidward, you've saved the Krabby Patty! :'''Squidward''': Whoopee. ===''Snail Mail'' [9.24b]=== (Released on October 22, 2016) :'''SpongeBob''': Pen Pal, this one's for you. ''[SpongeBob's plane drives down the runway and slowly begins to take off. SpongeBob pulls down the lever and the plane starts to fly. The audience cheers in astonishment.]'' Whoo-hoo! I'm flying! Yee-haw! ''[Suddenly, to SpongeBob's surprise, Patrick is running on the runway below him.]'' :'''Patrick''': Hey, SpongeBob! I can't believe you can actually fly like you said in your letter! :'''SpongeBob''': Patrick? ''You're'' Pen Pal?! :'''Patrick''': ''[laughs]'' Duh! ''[laughs]'' :'''SpongeBob''': But... but you said you were dying! You're not dying! :'''Patrick''': Dying? Oh, oh! You didn't read the whole letter! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[pulls out the letter]'' See? It says, "I wish I could watch you fly because I am dying!" :'''Patrick''': ''[pulls out his second letter]'' And here's the ''second'' page: "...to see you as a real pilot, SpongeBob! Here are some other things I like to see: candy rain, a firetruck full of clowns, and... a bunch of other stuff." :'''SpongeBob''': It all makes sense now! ''[laughs]'' Oh, Patrick! ''[laughs]'' :'''Patrick''': ''[laughs as his letter slips off his hands]'' You thought I was dying! ==Episode 25== ===''Pineapple Invasion'' [9.25a]=== :''[Gary answers the door and sees Plankton in the disguise as a salesman. Plankton gently pets Gary, but Gary growls angrily at him]'' :'''Plankton''': Why, hey there, little fella! Is SpongeBob... ''[clears throat]'' I mean your master at home? ''[Plankton's fake ear slips, but he pushes it back]'' Eh, perhaps I could just come inside for a minute and demonstrate our fine snail products. ''[opens his case and shows snail care products]'' Shell polish, slime deodorant, chew toys... :'''Gary''': Meow! ''[Gary slams the door on Plankton, breaking off part of his disguise]'' :'''Plankton''': My leg! ===''Salsa Imbecilicus'' [9.25b]=== :''[Patrick comes with a yellow balloon and is still riding the skateboard upside down]'' :'''Sandy''': Hey, Patrick. Have you noticed that everyone's acting a lot like you today? :'''Patrick''': ''[eats the balloon and it pops inside his mouth which deflates his head. He lifts his head up]'' I don't understand the question. ''[leaves and continues riding the skateboard upside down]'' ==Episode 26== ===''Mutiny on the Krusty'' [9.26a]=== :'''SpongeBob''': Gee, why is Mr. Krabs too crabby today? :'''Squidward''': Porbrably because it”s payday. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Paydays been parceled! Now hear this. I’m captain of this ship, Captain Krabs! As I say “No rip current could ever harm the Krusty Krab.” <hr width=90%> :'''SpongeBob''': Here you go, Mr. Krabs. You earned it. :'''Mr. Krabs''': Well, boy-yo, you believed in me. So, today will be a payday for you. :'''Squidward''': What about me? :'''Mr. Krabs''': You, Ex-Captain Squidward, have gone from payday '''to mayday!''' Mush! Every last one of ya! All the way back to Bikini Bottom! ''[laughs]'' :''[The episode ends with Squidward and the customers pulling the Krusty Krab back to Bikini Bottom while SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs sit on the roof]'' ===''The Whole Tooth'' [9.26b]=== :'''Patrick''': HEY! Where do you think you're going, chum chewer? ''[grabs Squidward and holds him up. :''[Patrick and SpongeBob are angry at Squidward for what he tried to do]'' :'''Squidward''': Hey, come on! This is just a big misunderstanding! Ferry, fairy: They're two different words that just happen to sound alike! :'''SpongeBob''': ''[holds up a bucket of chum meat]'' Open wide, Squidward! :'''Squidward''': NO! :''[Squidward's teeth scream and they jump out of his mouth. Squidward's teeth go into the water and swim towards the Tooth Ferry, ending the episode]'' ==Cast== *Tom Kenny as SpongeBob, Pillow, Fish, Gary, Dirty Bubble, Announcer #2, Student #1, Alarm Clock, New Age Narrator, French Narrator, Male Fish #106, Male Fish #41, Old Man, Customer #4, Customer #5, DJ, Dude #1, Boater #1, Policeman, Prisoner #3, Prisoner #5, Tower Guard, Customer #1, Teenage Boy, Male Fish #3, Mayor, Security Guard, Old Man, Male Customer #3, Male Fish #3, Kid #4, Ghost #1, Skeleton #2, Announcer, Male Fish #3, Fish #2, Cock-a-Doodle Clam, Tough Fish #3, Customer #1, Customer #3, Customer #4, Widow Duncan, Business Fish #1, Simmy, SpongeBob Guard, First Mate, Surfer Fish, Customer, Commissioner, Police Officer, Son, Crupski, SpongeBob's Shoe, Old Man, Driving Instructor, Yet Another Fish, Fish #1, Big Miner Fish, Computer Voice, Derek, Mr. Pepalino, Pod #1, Internal Affairs Officer #1, SpongeBob Copies, Isopod's Wife, TV Announcer, Patron #3, Man #1, Agent, Yodeling Fish, Customer, Old Executive, Krabby Patty, Jellyfish, Son In Crowd, Bus Driver, Guy Surfer Fish, Customer #2, Adult Tooth, Radio *Bill Fagerbakke as Patrick, Male Fish #40, Guiness O'Ripley, Ball, Truck Driver, Male Fish #1, Male Fish #36, Prisoner #1, Cop #1, Hot Fish, Male Fish, Bank Customer, Businessman, Male Fish #1, Usher #1, Customer #2, Ghost #4, Male Fish #2, Patrick's Forehead, Customer #1, Fish #3, Sal, Tough Fish #2, Customer, Business Fish #2, Captain Scarfish, Hungry Sailor, Boat Driver, Fish in Line, Prisoner, Usher, Customer, Random Fish, Little Miner Fish, Room Service Fish, Thumbhawk #1, Driver, Officer #1, Bouncer, Patrick Copy, Microwave, Crew Member, Fish Guy, Fish, Steve, Carnie *Mr. Lawrence as Fish #1, Sports Announcer, Plankton, Earl the Woodchuck, Customer #1, Male Fish #31, Dude #2, Highway Patrolman, Customer #1, Clerk, Fish in inner tube, Volleyball Fish #2, Newscaster, Teller #1, Male Customer #2, Ghost, Rusty Rickets, Winged Ghost, Test Subject #1, Noodleman, Businessman, Larry the Lobster, Bystander Fish #1, Fish, Customer, Patron #1, Admiral Soggy, Crew Member, Factory Fish, Salesman, Sweetie Patrol, Reporter Fish *Dee Bradley Baker as Young Fish, Sand Dollar, British Gentleman, Robot, Monster Sandy, Dolphin, Student #2, Customer #40, Cadet #1, Musician #1, Paperboy, Male Fish, Bank Officer, Student #1, TV Announcer, Actor, Guard #2, Prisoner #2, Surfer Fish, Volleyball Fish #1, Perch Perkins, Male Fish #1, Spot, Male Customer #1, Urchin, Male Fish #5, Usher #2, Kid #2, Boyfriend, Old Man Jenkins, Ghost #3, Skeleton #1, Yeti Krab, Yeti Krab's Stomach, Mister Weiner, Old Man, Señor Taco, Mail Fish, Senor Poopus, Guy Fish, Oswald McNulty, Bystander Fish #2, Sewer Snake, Little Kid, Lampreys, Bubble Bass, Eel, Snail Monster, Customer #1, Monster, Blood Worms *Jill Talley as Fish #49, Grand Maul Granny, Karen, Customer #3, Women, Baby, Female Fish #2, Business Fish #6, Customer, Fish Woman #2, The Mom, Marina, Dangles and Bangles Manager, Myrtle, Girl, Officer #2, Random Patron, Female Customer *Mark Fite as Not Dead Ted, Mattress, Fish #1, Scoop, Guard #1, Prisoner #4, Guard #2 *Rodger Bumpass as Squidward, Announcer #1, Fish #1, Fish #107, Doctor, Customer #3, Fish in Window, Customer #2, Groom, Male Fish #2, Delegate, Teller #3, Male Fish #2, Male Fish #4, Male Fish #6, Ghost #2, Game Show Host, Krabby Patty Man, Fish #1, Chocking Fish, Motorcycle Cop, Construction Worker, Reflection, Jenkins, Business Fish #5, Official, Fish, Fish, Fish #1, Tech, Dry Cleaner, Employee, Another Random Fish, Happy Fish, Thumbhawk #2, Customer #2, Pedestrian, Fruit Vendor, Internal Official Affairs Officer #2, Nut, French Purser, Colonel Sandab, Executive, Swordfish, Moon, Acorn, Another Fish, Fish from Crowd, Judge, Frail Fish, Announcer, Referee, Vet, Skunk, Bike Fish, Customer #3, Hatty Patty, Ferry Worker, Dr. Mundane *Carolyn Lawrence as Sandy, Cashier, Billy, Teenage Girl, Baby, Pirate Queen, Anemic Fish, Woman Fish #1, Fish Woman, Fish #2, Officiant, Baby, Mother in Crowd, Mother Fish, Female Tennis Player *Clancy Brown as Mr. Krabs, Male Cop, Male Fish #107, Big Dude, Prisoner #6, Dad Fish, Bubble Man, Customer #1, Male Fish #1, Pizza Pete, Tough Fish Leader, Customer #2, Krabs Eyes, Business Fish #3, Prison Guard, Fish #2, Father, Fish Friend, Male Customer, Dr. Manfish, Customer #1, Ronnie, Patron #4, Elevator Operator, Yet Another Fish, Priest, Graduating Fish, Male Customer *Mary Jo Catlett as Mrs. Puff, Old Lady, Female Customer, Female Fish #1, Female Fish #3, Psychic, Gale, Driving Student *Bob Joles as Man Ray, Melvin, Fish #105 *Sirena Irwin as Nurse, Female Fish #7, Lady Fish, Mother, Lady Cop, Bride, Mother, Lady Fish, Teller #2, Kid #1, Kid #3, Girlfriend, Lady Fish, Mama Snail, Woman Fish #2, Son, Fancy Lady Fish, Kid Fish, Cashina, Nixie, Female Customer, Nurse, Baby Tooth, Old Lady *Tom Wilson as Stranger *Lori Alan as Pearl, Phone Operator, Lady Fish, Patron #2, Limia, Baby Executive, Sweet Old Lady, The Patty ==External links== {{Wikipedia|SpongeBob SquarePants (season 9)}} [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants seasons]] [[Category:SpongeBob SquarePants]] k9ico6mgtt88p6xsvt1ajn8wpuyxu5n 0 186361 3954325 3795966 2026-06-18T23:29:56Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dissonant Voices [15.07] */ 3954325 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} :'''Seasons:''' [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 1|1]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 2|2]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 3|3]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 4|4]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 5|5]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 6|6]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 7|7]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 8|8]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 9|9]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 10|10]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 11|11]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 12|12]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 13|13]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 14|14]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 15|15]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 16|16]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 17|17]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 18|18]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 19|19]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 20|20]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (season 21)|21]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 22|22]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 23|23]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit/Season 24|24]] | [[Law & Order: Special Victims Unit|Main]] '''''[[w:Law & Order: Special Victims Unit|Law & Order: Special Victims Unit]]''''' (1999–present) is a long-running [[w:crime drama|crime drama]], part of the popular '''[[w:Law & Order franchise|Law & Order franchise]]''' created by [[w:Dick Wolf|Dick Wolf]]. The show focuses on the Special Victims Unit, a special squad dealing with sex crimes and crimes against children. ===''Surrender Benson'' [15.01] === :'''Benson''': ''[to Lewis]'' My partner, my squad, the entire department will hunt you down. You think that you've put people through hell. It will rain back down on you. :'''Lewis''': You know what? Let it rain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': Are you feeling sad? Thinking about someone you’re never gonna see again? Mom? Dad? Boyfriend? No, huh? Someone else, someone you would give anything too see just one more time. You’re gonna cry out his name at some point. They always do. <hr width=“50%”/> :'''Benson''': My old partner, he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face. ===''Imprisoned Lives'' [15.02]=== :'''Captain Cragen''': I knew it was too soon for you to come back to SVU. :'''Benson''': If you can't trust me, then I'm done. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benson''': You know, what I've seen is that people who have gone through unfair, horrific experiences is that they have this will. And when they get support; a chance, they cannot only survive, they can thrive. ===''American Tragedy'' [15.03]=== :'''Barba''': On the night that you saw Mehcad Carter, did you see a "field hand", a "jungle animal"... or simply a boy trying to make his way home? :'''Cohen''': Objection. :'''Jolene''': No, I want to answer that. I saw a hooded man following me. I told him to back off, and he came through my gate. :'''Barba''': So, if it had been a white man walking behind you, would you have told him to get back, would you have pulled your gun? :'''Cohen''': Objection! :'''Jolene''': If it had been a white boy, I wouldn't have been afraid. :'''Barba''': So let's be clear. Mehcad Carter didn't have to do anything. He didn't have to say anything. He just had to be a black boy standing on your sidewalk, and that gave you the right to shoot him. :'''Jolene''': That's not what I said. :'''Barba''': Isn't it? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Jolene has been acquitted of Carter's death]'' :'''Benson''': What happened? :'''Munch''': Fear won out. :'''Barba''': I'm sorry. :'''Fin''': It's not on you. It's just the way it is. === ''Internal Affairs'' [15.04] === :'''Captain Cragen''': Munch put in his papers. :'''Benson''': What?! No, he didn't. :'''Captain Cragen''': Yeah. The Mehcad Carter case hit him pretty hard. Liv. It's okay, Liv. Nothing changes, except what has to. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassidy''': Liv, you do believe me about the escorts? :'''Benson''': Stop talking. :'''Cassidy''': I swear, I didn't... :'''Benson''': ''[seductively]'' Has anyone ever told you to just stop talking? :'''Cassidy''': ''[smiles]'' Yeah, everyone, all the time. === ''Wonderland Story'' [15.05] === :''[Benson gets called into a case during Munch's retirement party]'' :'''Munch''': Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Benson, the Mother Teresa of SVU. Was it something I said? :'''Benson''': ''[laughs]'' No, John, it was everything you said. <hr width="50%"/> :''[last line; Munch gets one last phone call]'' :'''Munch''': ''[picks up]'' Homicide. ''[pause]'' I mean, SVU. Hold on. I'll get you a detective. :''[he puts the phone on hold, grabs his box, and leaves the office]'' ===''October Surprise'' [15.06]=== :'''Amaro''': ''[about Lindsay Anderson]'' Last night I friended her on Facebook. :'''Fin''': Tell me she poked you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fin''': Hey, Muñoz sends out some selfies, that's not a sex crime. All I know is I don't wanna see any more of 'em. :'''Amaro''': It's more than that. This clown wants to be mayor. He opened himself up to blackmail. This could just be the tip of the iceberg. :'''Rollins''': I think we saw more than just the tip. ===''Dissonant Voices'' [15.07]=== :'''Zara''': Daddy, how do I get on "American Diva"? :'''Amaro''': The same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice. :'''Zara''': What? You're weird, daddy. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The squad finds out too late that Jackie was falsely accused of child molestation]'' :'''Barba''': We can't take this to trial. The girls won't testify against each other. The only way to make a case is to put two four-year-old boys on the stand to testify against their sisters; those boys are damaged enough as it is. :'''Jackie''': ''They're'' damaged?! ''[scoffs in disbelief and anger]'' I see. :'''Barba''': Mr. Walker-- :'''Jackie''': ''[cutting her off]'' No! Get away from me. Just get away! ''[storms out]'' :'''Benson''': I keep going over it in my head... those kids did not sound coached. :'''Amaro''': We had the DNA. We were just doing our jobs. :'''Barba''': People lie, people make mistakes, people get hurt. This comes with the territory. :'''Rollins''': No, you... you guys tell yourselves whatever you want. This didn't have to happen. ===''Military Justice'' [15.08]=== :'''Rollins''': Does Maria still work for the Pentagon? :'''Amaro''': She's Public Affairs for the DoD. It's two separate departments. :'''Rollins''': Yeah, but D.C. is such a small town. Everybody knows everybody. Has Maria given you any reason for dropping Zara off tonight? :'''Amaro''': No. :'''Rollins''': Good, because if she's hiding something, it'll give her more reason to do you a favor. :'''Amaro''': Is that really how women think? :'''Rollins''': ''[smiles]'' No, just one woman. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral Albers''': ''[after Amelia's rapists are convicted]'' Amelia, I'm proud of you. Coming forward, you had more guts than any of them. ===''Rapist Anonymous'' [15.09]=== :''[The squad trades work horror stories over dinner]'' :'''Dr. Warner''': So, it turns out she's a lesbian. He's transgender. And we found the murder weapon lodged in his anal canal. :'''Benson''': Hey, try the hot soppressata. :'''Fin''': My favorite is still that Sherling guy we found humping that passed out vic. ''[the others laugh]'' And he tells me, "I thought she was dead." Turns out it just a little co-fetish. :'''Benson''': Hey guys, uhm, maybe we don't talk shop? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dr. Warner''': After sex, most men feel the urge to urinate, which clears the urethra. He didn't get the chance. And the amount of fluid is consistent with his having ejaculated very recently. :'''Fin''': Melinda, English? :'''Dr. Warner''': He came, and then he went. ===''Psycho/Therapist'' [15.10]=== :'''Benson''': What? He wants to plead to rape? :'''Barba''': Multiple counts of rape in the first, multiple counts of sodomy. He will also plead guilty with an allocution. There will be specific... :'''Benson''': He wants to stand up in open court and give graphic testimony about the things he did not do to me? :'''Barba''': It's 25 to life. He'll die in prison. Olivia, you will avoid a trial and having to testify. :'''Benson''': No, no, no! He does not get to do that to me. He did not rape me. He did not sodomize me. You look at that rape kit. After four days, he did not have the balls to rape me. And now he wants to stand up in open court... Now? No. No! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benson''': Lewis knew that I had it in me. He goaded me into beating him, and you know what? Once I started I couldn't stop. He got me to turn into exactly what he is. === ''Amaro's One-Eighty'' [15.11] === :'''Captain Cragen''': I didn't want to announce this until Nick's situation got resolved, but it's done, and so am I. I'm leavin'. :'''Rollins''': What? Now?! :'''Amaro''': Hey, is this part of the deal? Was this their pound of flesh? Because if it is... :'''Captain Cragen''': No, no, no. No. This is my call. :'''Fin''': Where you gonna go, Cap'n? :'''Captain Cragen''': Around the world, actually. Eileen has 2 tickets for a 6-month cruise, and I have enough accrued leave to take me through my mandatory retirement date. If I stay, I make less than if I leave. :'''Rollins''': Cap, cruise. Okay. If anyone's earned it. :'''Captain Cragen''': I'm proud of my time here. And I'm honored and grateful to have worked with the finest unit of detectives I've ever known. Nick, you're gonna get through all this. You're too good a cop and too good a man not to. Amanda, I was never sorry that I brought you up from Atlanta. I would do it again. And, Fin, what can I say? For a guy who never should've been an SVU detective, you're okay. :'''Fin''': Right back at you, Captain. Nobody could ever take your place. :'''Captain Cragen''': Well, for the meantime, Detective Benson will. She's ready. Now, it's not easy going from player to coach, so don't bust her chops. ''[to Benson]'' But if they do, you bust 'em right back. :''[everyone else in the squad room applauds]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cragen clears out his office; Benson enters]'' :'''Benson''': We should throw you a party. :'''Cragen''': I don't like parties. This is good. Um, word of advice? :'''Benson''': Oh, please! ''[laughs]'' :'''Cragen''': I gave my whole life to NYPD, and I forgot to live my own. Me and Eileen, it's a Hail Mary. It's a shot at happiness. You know, people used to say this to me all the time, and I never understood what they meant. But take care of yourself. You deserve it. ''[he and Benson share an embrace]'' Oh, and, Olivia, do somethin' with the place, will ya? ===''Jersey Breakdown'' [15.12]=== :'''Barba''': Sergeant, you up for a trip to the Garden State? :'''Benson''': I'm acting squad commander. :'''Barba''': Heavy lies the crown. Detective Rollins? :''[Rollins nods; Benson gives her a concerned look]'' :'''Rollins''': Don't worry, I'll stay away from Atlantic City. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Moscone''': So it's true what they say about SVU. :'''Amaro''': Yeah, what's that? :'''Moscone''': Everyone's a victim to you guys. :'''Benson''': And it's true what they say about New Jersey prosecutors. There are no victims, there are no prosecutors, only meal tickets. ===''Betrayal's Climax'' [15.13]=== :'''Rollins''': Rebellious teenagers, forbidden love... :'''Fin''': West Side Romeo and Juliet. :'''Rollins''': We know how well that turned out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benson''': You threatening me? I got the biggest gang in the city. You think your guys are loyal? Go ahead. Test the NYPD. I dare ya. ===''Wednesday's Child'' [15.14]=== :'''Abraham''': Some street guy with a diabetic kid with an attachment disorder out in the freezing cold? Tell me there's a happy ending. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rollins''': ''[reads adoption records]'' Charles and Alexa Smith, One East 161st Street, Bronx, New York. :'''Fin''': Really? I didn't know anyone lived at Yankee Stadium. ===''Comic Perversion'' [15.15]=== :'''Galloway''': ''[during standup routine]'' You're right, you're right. Rape isn't funny. ''[pause]'' Now gang rape - that's hilarious! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Galloway''': Life is my material. Our screwed up culture: racism, incest, rape. If you don't joke about it, you cry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Galloway''': I'd like to dedicate my arrest to Lennie Bruce! ===''Gridiron Soldier'' [15.16]=== :'''Fin''': You ask me, the only difference between a football team and a gang is that gangs don't wear helmets and knee-pads. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fin''': You're under arrest. :'''Becker''': Arrest? For what? :'''Fin''': Rape. :'''Becker''': Of that boy? He's as queer as a $9 bill. Whatever he got, he wanted. :'''Rollins''': Not him - of Eddie Thorpe. :'''Becker''': You can't just come in here and start making accusations. :'''Fin''': We're not. Eddie is. :'''Becker''': Eddie? You think he's got the balls to testify with me staring right at him? :'''Rollins''': Not when he first got here, but you spent a few years toughening him up. Stand up. Let's go, coach. ''[Fin handcuffs him]'' Take it like a man. ===''Gambler's Fallacy'' [15.17]=== :'''Benson''': ''[of Amaro and Rollins]'' Those two, I wish they'd just get a room already. :'''Fin''': I'll pretend I didn't hear you say that! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fin''': ''[to Rollins]'' Whatever you're doing, I want you to stop now; I am not ready for another partner! ===''Criminal Stories'' [15.18]=== :'''Jimmy''': You want my source's name? I'll give it to you. Write this down, it's a funny name: G-O-space-F-U... :'''Benson''': I got it, Jimmy, I got it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Tutuola? Two T's. Two U's. :'''Fin''': One ola. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jimmy''': Don't ever cry for Jimmy Mac. I always land on my feet. I'm 55 years old, my profession is dying, my ex-wives all hate me, my credit cards are maxed out because I've got three kids in college, and I've never felt better in my life. ===''Downloaded Child'' [15.19]=== :'''Amaro''': ''[after he hears what Jenny's husband has done to her]'' All right, two choices: I go beat the crap out of this guy, or we call Barba. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benson''': You're smiling, Barba. Why is that freakin' me out? ===''Beast's Obsession'' [15.20]=== :'''Lt. Murphy''': You can't be in charge of a man hunt when you are the target of the man you are hunting! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': You seeing a therapist? Please, promise me you'll do that. He probably sits there with you, tells you that you're working through it, right? "You can be whole again, Olivia." Well, he's lying. What I do, and I've seen this in the victim impact statements, nobody ever recovers from. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lewis''': This is the last thing you're going to think about before you die. The last thing you're going to see. === ''Post-Mortem Blues'' [15.21] === :'''Strauss''': Lt. Murphy, what is the important thing you want the grand jury to hear? :'''Lt. Murphy''': I know for a fact that Sergeant Benson's televised confession was not true. I know, because I ordered her to make the so-called confession. She did not commit police brutality, nor did she perjure herself. It was a gambit. A police tactic to lure the weasel out just enough so we could get him. :'''Strauss''': Thank you, Lt. Murphy. :'''Lt. Murphy''': I don't even know why we're here! Sergeant Benson performed an act of extraordinary bravery. She singlehandedly confronted a career sociopath who raped and tortured elderly women, little girls. He killed cops and innocent civilians. You've heard days of testimony regarding the sergeant's actions, but has the prosecutor discussed Lewis' conduct at all? :'''Strauss''': Lt. Murphy! :'''Lt. Murphy''': His history of barbarism? Lewis spent his entire life sadistically inflicting his power over people! Thanks to Sergeant Benson, he's where he should be! William Lewis will never hurt anyone ever again, unless you allow him to exert his power over you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Benson has been cleared]'' :'''Lt. Murphy''': It was the truth that will set you free. :'''Benson''': That's not what I heard. :'''Lt. Murphy''': Well, there are little truths, and there is the larger truth. I told the larger one. ===''Reasonable Doubt'' [15.22]=== :'''Maddox''': Kathryn is just trying to get back at me for my decision to uncouple. :'''Lt. Murphy''': Was that before or after she caught you in bed with her little sister? <hr width="50%"/> :''[Maddox's maid has gone back on her testimony]'' :'''Fin''': Dohna was crystal clear when I talked to her. Frank must have gotten to her. :'''Benson''': How? :'''Barba''': She's Tibetan; for all we know, he called the Dalai Lama. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Benson''': If Frank is a pedophile, at least he's out of their lives. :'''Amaro''': And if he's telling the truth, she gets to grow up with a full-blown narcissist who convinced her to lie. :'''Benson''': Either way, God help that child. ===''Thought Criminal'' [15.23]=== :'''Montlieff''': That... that girl and I were just talking. :'''Rollins''': About sex! With a 14-year old! :'''Montlieff''': No, I saw her, she's... she's not 14! :'''Rollins''': That doesn't matter, you thought she was. :'''Montlieff''': Wait, so... so I am arrested for thinking? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Efron''': There is not one shred of forensic evidence of criminal behavior. :'''Barba''': A grenade with the pin pulled has not blown up yet, but it's still a danger to those around it. ===''Spring Awakening'' [15.24]=== :'''Munch''': Seriously, Nick. I'm gone for, like, half a year and you were already arrested twice? Talk about a cry for help. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Munch walks up to Benson just as Lt. Murphy leaves]'' :'''Munch''': I knew that guy. Who the hell is he? :'''Benson''': Mary Poppins. :'''Munch''': What? :'''Benson''': Never mind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rollins''': ''[about Langan]'' He's tall. :'''Benson''': Yeah, like that's a skill set. :'''Rollins''': You two have history? :'''Benson''': I don't date lawyers. :'''Rollins''': Since when? == External links== {{Wikipedia|Law & Order: Special Victims Unit}} [[Category:Law & Order: Special Victims Unit seasons]] 38j0tijijf36klto726xlzpx6ttn06g 0 186479 3954287 3951607 2026-06-18T20:59:07Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 /* Cast */ 3954287 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Scooby-Doo! and the Witch's Ghost|Scooby-Doo! and the Witch's Ghost]]''''' is a [[w:1999 in film|1999 film]] about Scooby-Doo and the gang, who visit Oakhaven, Massachusetts to seek strange goings on involving a mysterious horror novelist and his ancestor who is rumored be a witch. :''Directed by Jim Stenstrum. Written by Glenn Leopold. {{center|'''Mysteries as old as mankind.'''&nbsp; <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Mystery Inc. == === {{w|Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo}} === * Scooby-Dooby-Doo! === {{w|Norville "Shaggy" Rogers}} === * Gobble, gobble, gobble! * Like, that would've been a "hot" bestseller. === {{w|Fred Jones}} === * You've been reading too many of your own horror stories, Ravencroft. === {{w|Daphne Blake}} === * Why go through this elaborate scheme? Why not just ask us to find the book? === {{w|Velma Dinkley}} === * Ben Ravencroft's last book is one the world will never buy. == Dialogue == :'''Ben''': Now where was I? Dreadful darkness, hear my cry, bring back one who cannot die! Let the witch who perished here live again and reappear! ''[The green lightning strikes the ground and big rocks appear, throwing the gang as Ben laughs evilly. Scooby and Shaggy walk and get trapped in the wagon wheel. The evil ghost faces appear to form a tornado as Ben laughs evily and the ghostly figure of Sarah Ravencroft appears. She floats down]'' :'''Ben''': In my wildest dreams, I could never have imagined such an imposing creature. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Thank thee, thou canst not know what my bondage hath been like. Who art thou? :'''Ben''': Ben Ravencroft, your descendant from the modern world. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Modern? Not much seems to have changed. :'''Mayor Corey''': Please don't hurt us! :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': The same pathetic peasants, grovelling for their puny lives. :'''Ben''': But, (''Sarah slaps Ben's hand away from her hand'') Sarah, I want to become more powerful, like you. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': (''Laughing evilly'') Thou jest. :'''Ben''': But it was I who released you, you should serve me. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': I serve no one, leastwise a worm-like thee. Aye, thou has freed me, so now I can punish the world for my long imprisonment.(''Sarah uses her evil magic vapor to make all things decay and turn to ash'') I shall create an era of darkness over this land! (''laughing evilly'') :'''Shaggy Rogers''': L- like we're goners, Scoob! (''pull themselves out of the wagon wheel before it turns into ash by a magic vapor'') :'''Mayor Corey and Mr. McKnight''': Aaah! :'''Ben''': (''gasps'') This isn't what I envisioned. We were supposed to rule the world together, not destroy it! :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': I care not for thy whims. Cross my path and I shall destroy thee along with thy world! :'''Ben''': But I have the book! And I will return you back into the book. Ancient evil get thee hence. Only good can recompense for the- :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': (''Laughing evilly'') Thinkest thou art a Wiccan? Only a virtuous soul can imprison me. (''traps Ben into the green energy sphere, laughing evilly'') :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Thou shall pay for thine impudence. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Thine mockery shall be thy last. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': (''Laughing evilly'') :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Bring me the book. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': (''Laughing evilly'') :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': The book is useless to a mere mortal. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Nay, I'll stop thee myself. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': No, not again. :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': I won't go back alone. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Do my bidding bird, get them! :[''She enlarges a turkey and sends it after Shaggy and Scooby''] :'''Shaggy Rogers''': A turkey? ''(he and Scooby laugh)'' Even we're not scared of that- ''(Scooby Doo stops laughing as they see the turkey)'' :'''Scooby Doo''': Huh? :'''Shaggy Rogers''': (Scooby Doo screams) Like, now we are! Yikes! :[''They run off, as the giant turkey gives the chase.''] :'''Scooby Doo and Shaggy Rogers''': Aaaah! Yikes! (run faster as Sarah Ravencroft laughs evilly) :[''They scream, run and enter the house, but the turkey is too big. Then Shaggy and Scooby run away but miss him.''] :'''Shaggy Rogers''': Gobble, gobble, gobble! '' (Sarah appears behind them)'' :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': I believe thou hast something that is mine! ''(she blasts the door)'' :'''Giant turkey''': Uh-oh. :[''The door slams into the turkey, making it dizzy as the turkey then sees Shaggy and Scooby with the stuffing.''] :'''Shaggy Rogers''': Like, got the stuffing, Scoob? :'''Scooby-Doo''': Reah. :'''Shaggy Rogers''': Time to baste this bird. :[''The turkey screams and sends itself fly.''] :'''Shaggy Rogers''': ''(laughs)'' I guess he didn't have the right stuff, ol' buddy! <hr width="50%"/> [''Shaggy throws a bucket of water at Sarah Ravencroft''] :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': What...was that? :'''Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers''': You're not melting! Like, it worked in ''[[The Wizard of Oz]]''! :'''Sarah Ravencroft''': Fool, I shall destroy thee! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Velma Dinkley''': You won't get away with this, Ben Ravencroft! :'''Ben "Benjamin" Ravencroft''': Why? Because of you meddling kids? :'''Fred "Frederick" Jones''': Hey, we're not kids! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben''': ''(surprised to see Mayor Corey and Mr. McKnight outside his study)'' Mayor? :'''Mayor Corey''': We've been ringing your doorbell for some time and... :'''Ben''': ''(approaching them)'' Oh, sorry about that. I've been meaning to fix that thing for years. What's up, Mayor? :'''Mayor Corey''': Well, Ben. I feel really bad about everything and I want to apologize for using your ancestor in our little publicity stunt. :'''Mr. McKnight''': Yeah, the tourist trade was so slow, we were desperate. :'''Mayor Corey''': Right and you once told me that supernatural phenomenon always attracts people. :'''Mr. McKnight''': It was just natural to use Sarah in all this...we accidentally dug up her grave. :'''Ben''': ''(astounded)'' What grave?! :'''Mayor Corey''': I'm sorry, Ben. But you see, I lied to you when you asked me if we found anything of Sarah's while we were building the Puritan village. :'''Mr. McKnight''': We did; it was her grave marker. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Daphne''' (noticing the book's cover is not innocent): Looks kind of evil to belong to a wiccan healer. :'''Velma''': Ben, that doesn't seem to be a journal at all. :'''Ben''': ''(reveals his true colors)'' Because it isn't, Velma. It's a spellbook! :'''Velma''': ''(gasps)'' :'''Ben''': You see, Sarah wasn't a Wiccan. She was indeed a witch! :'''Mayor Corey and Mr. McKnight''': ''(gasp)'' :'''Thorn, Luna, and Dusk''': ''(gasp)'' :'''Thorn''': A real witch? :'''Dusk''': Heavy. :'''Ben''': And since Sarah's blood runs in my veins, I guess that makes me... a warlock! :'''Shaggy''': ''(whimpers)'' :'''Scooby''': Warlock? :'''Ben''': The Wiccans imprisoned Sarah in her own spellbook, and you helped me find it. :'''Velma''': You lied to me, Ben! :'''Ben''': Well, gee. I had to. I've been searching for years, then I read about your exploits. ''(in a flashback)'' I knew if anyone could help me find the book, it was you and your friends. I orchestrated the whole mummy scheme, paying off the archaeologists ''(Perkins and Griswald)'' and the security guards just to lure you to the museum so we could meet. ''(back in the present)'' ''(chuckles evilly)'' Yes, Velma. I tricked you into helping me, and it worked. :'''Fred''': ''(to Mayor Corey and Mr. McKnight)'' And you were in on Ben's plan, too! :'''Mayor Corey''': Huh? No! We're as surprised as you are, uh, honest! :'''Ben''': For once, he's telling the truth. That stupid fake ghost was the town's idea, but it did work to my advantage. :'''Daphne''': Why go through this elaborate scheme? Why not just ask us to find the book? :'''Velma''': I know why. If we knew what that book was, we would never have helped him! :'''Ben''': But even you can't imagine the real power of this book. No mere mortal can. :'''Fred''': You've been reading too many of your own horror stories, Ravencroft. :'''Ben''': A typical mortal response, but I am descended from a superior breed. I shall unlock the power of the imprisoned Sarah Ravencroft! :'''Shaggy''': Like, I don't like the sound of this! :'''Scooby''': Me either! :'''Ben''': Together, we shall reign supreme. Let the evil from the past, breathe again with fiery blast! :'''Velma Dinkley''': No! :'''Ben''': Let the dark wind whip the night to blow away the force of light! :'''Shaggy''': I know what comes next, Buddy. Big trouble! :'''Ben''': Now, I summon ancient power! :'''Velma Dinkley''': Ben, please stop! :'''Ben''': This is evil's finest hour! (''Laughs evilly'') :'''Velma Dinkley''': No! :'''Ben''': What's the matter, Velma? Don't you like the new improved Ben Ravencroft? :'''Velma Dinkley''': No, frankly, I don't! :'''Ben''': Well, get used to it. :'''Mayor Corey and Mr. McKnight''': (''Scream'') :'''Ben''': Leaving so soon? (''Captures the Mayor and Mr. McKnight'') The party's just beginning! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Thorn, Luna, and Dusk''': '''(Playing the Guitar And Singing)''' Hex Girls I'm gonna be spell on you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Velma Dinkley''': Ben Ravencroft's last book is one the world will never buy. :'''Daphne Blake''': Thank goodness. :'''Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers''': Like, that would've been a "hot" bestseller. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mayor Corey''': I think we need a "bigger" attraction. :'''Norville 'Shaggy' Rogers''': Uh, mayor? (points to the giant turkey) == Cast == * [[w:Scott Innes|Scott Innes]] — Scooby-Doo and Norville "Shaggy" Rogers and Babylonian mummies * [[Frank Welker]] — Fred "Frederick" Jones and Turkeys and Enormous turkey and Babylonian mummies * [[w:Mary Kay Bergman|Mary Kay Bergman]] — Daphne Blake, Witch’s Ghost and Girl * [[w:B.J. Ward|B.J. Ward]] — Velma Dinkley * [[Tim Curry]] — Ben "Benjamin" Ravencroft * [[w:Tress MacNeille|Tress MacNeille]] — Sarah Ravencroft * [[w:Jennifer Hale|Jennifer Hale]] — Thorn/Sally McKnight and Butter Churner * [[w:Jane Wiedlin|Jane Wiedlin]] — Dusk * [[w:Kimberly Brooks|Kimberly Brooks]] — Luna * [[w:Neil Ross|Neil Ross]] — Mayor Corey/Exhibit Voice/Perkins * [[w:Peter Reneday|Peter Reneday]] — Mr. McKnight * [[w:Jamie Alcroft|Jamie Alcroft]] - Dr. Dean * [[Rodger Bumpass]] - Perkins * [[w:Buster Jones|Buster Jones]] - Tourist #1 * [[w:Debi Derryberry|Debi Derryberry]] - Tourist #2 * [[w:Jill Talley|Jill Talley]] - Pilgrim Woman * [[w:Bob Joles|Bob Joles]] - Jack and Turkeys == Tagline == * Mysteries as old as mankind. Witchcraft. Ghosts. Talking dogs. == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0196931|title=Scooby-Doo and the Witch's Ghost}} {{Scooby-Doo}} [[Category:1999 American animated films]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated horror films]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery films]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Films about musical groups]] {{film-stub}} ajhygh4vzbmexr2cxazdk2k0pkpf5xj 0 187145 3954244 3941674 2026-06-18T18:53:17Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 /* Dialogue */ 3954244 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Toy Story of Terror!|Toy Story of Terror!]]''''' (16 October, 2013) is a [[Halloween]]-themed 21-minute television special that aired on [[w:American Broadcasting Company|ABC]]. Set after the events of ''[[Toy Story 3]]'', the special follows the toys on their road trip, when a flat tire leads Bonnie and her mother to spend the night in a roadside motel. After Mr. Potato Head goes missing, the others begin to search for him, but they find themselves caught up in a mysterious, monstrous, and terrifying sequence of events that lead them to a big conspiracy. :''Written and directed by [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]] == Woody == * Oh, don't listen to her, Betsy. You can do it. Don't give up. * We have to get her out! * Oh, Potato Head, don't leave the bag. A motel is one of the easiest places for a toy to get lost! == Buzz Lightyear == * Tactics, Betsy, tactics. Look for something to defend yourself with. * It's okay, Jessie. You're safe now. == Jessie == * A cat? Come on, guys. This isn't scary. * Potato Head, where... Where are you going? == Dialogue == :''[After the title, a black and white showing of clouds are shown and the camera pans down to a graveyard. A woman, Betsy, enters frantic; she runs until she trips over a tombstone and lands on a tombstone. She sees a bat flying towards her, it transforms into a dracula and chases after her]'' :'''Dracula''': ''[moaning]'' Betsy... :'''Betsy''': No! :'''Rex''': Watch out! ''[pops up]'' He's right behind you! :'''Mr. Potato Head''': Hey, down in front! :'''Rex''': Oh, sorry. :''[In color. It's revealed to be a movie watched by Woody, Buzz, Jessie, Mr. Potato Head, Rex, Mr. Pricklepants, and Trixie in Bonnie's mom's trunk of the car]'' :'''Dracula''': ''[in the movie]'' I'm coming to get you, Betsy. :'''Rex''': Run, Betsy! Run! :'''Trixie''': Oh, come on. There's no way she can outrun a vampire. <hr width=50%/> :''[The toys continue to watch the movie in the trunk; Betsy is trying to get to the door of a church with the vampire closing in on her]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[in the movie]'' Help! Open the door! :'''Dracula''': ''[in the movie]'' No one can help you now, Betsy. :'''Potato Head''': Boring! :'''Mr. Pricklepants''': Patience. All great horror films start slowly. You see, they're designed to... :''[Annoyed, Mr. Potato Head pulls his ears out, which muted Mr. Pricklepants' talking]'' :'''Betsy''': ''[in the movie]'' Please, let me in! ''[manages to get in and close the door to save herself from the vampire. The vampire's laugh is heard. A crash sound is heard which frightens Betsy. She sees a broken vase and sees something behind a curtain]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[The car hits a bump, which startles the toys. The car gets a flat tire and Jessie is knocked in a tool box, trapping her inside. Jessie tries to get out, but can't]'' :'''Jessie''': Help! ''[muffled]'' Get me out of here! :'''Buzz''': Jessie! :'''Woody''': We have to get her out! :'''Buzz''': ''[tries to open the tool box]'' Jessie! Jessie, can you hear me? ''[the car hits another bump and stops at a roadside motel. Buzz grabs a lug wrench and puts it under the tool box]'' Okay, everyone, on 3. 1, 2, 3! ''[the toys jump on the lug wrench, tipping the tool box, opening it up, freeing Jessie; Jessie breathes heavily. Woody, Buzz, Rex, and Mr. Pricklepants look at her in concern]'' Jessie, Jessie? :'''Trixie''': ''[to Mr. Potato Head]'' What's the matter with Jessie? :'''Mr. Potato Head''': She was abandoned in a box for years. :'''Jessie''': ''[panting]'' I-I couldn't... I couldn't find a way out. :'''Bonnie''': Mom, can I bring my toys. :''[The toys hides inside the case just in time as Bonnie's mom grab her case filled with her daughter's toys, the car stops at a motel, Bonnie and her mom get out of the car and enter the motel. Bonnie carries her suitcase with her toys in it. Mr. Pricklepants looks outside the bag]'' :'''Pricklepants''': The roadside motel is one of the most common locals for a horror film. Remote, isolated, a comforting environment to allure the suspicions of the audience. I'll expect they'll be asking the innkeeper to use the telephone any minute now. :'''Mrs. Anderson''': Will it be okay if I used your phone? Our car has a flat. :'''Pricklepants''': ''[chuckles]'' Right on cue. <hr width=50%/> :''[Trixie opens the bag and looks around]'' :'''Trixie''': Well, it looks like they're asleep. :'''Potato Head''': ''[sighs]'' Finally. ''[starts to leave]'' :'''Jessie''': Potato Head, where... Where are you going? :'''Potato Head''': We're at a motel. I just want to check out the amenities. ''[Jessie stares at him, confused]'' You know, the free stuff? Little soaps, shower caps, shampoo, conditioner? :'''Pricklepants''': Oh, I wouldn't go out there if I were you. :'''Woody''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, Potato Mead, don't leave the bag. A motel is one of the easiest place for a toy to get lost. :'''Potato Head''': Oh, shut your worry hole. Nobody's gonna get lost. Besides, I promised Hamm I bring him back something nice. == Cast == * [[w:Joan Cusack|Joan Cusack]] — [[w:Jessie (Toy Story)|Jessie]] * [[Tom Hanks]] — [[w:Woody (Toy Story)|Woody]] * [[Tim Allen]] — [[w:Buzz Lightyear|Buzz Lightyear]] * [[w:Carl Weathers|Carl Weathers]] — Combat Carl and Combat Carl Jr. * [[Stephen Tobolowsky]] — Ron the Manager * [[Timothy Dalton]] — Mr. Pricklepants * [[w:Wallace Shawn|Wallace Shawn]] — Rex * [[w:Don Rickles|Don Rickles]] — Mr. Potato Head * [[w:Kristen Schaal|Kristen Schaal]] — Trixie * [[w:Kate McKinnon|Kate McKinnon]] — PEZ Cat * [[w:Lori Alan|Lori Alan]] — Mrs. Anderson * [[w:Peter Sohn|Peter Sohn]] — Transitron * Emily Hahn — Bonnie * [[w:Dawnn Lewis|Dawnn Lewis]] — Delivery Lady * Jason "J-Top" Topolski — Vampire and Tow Truck Guy * [[w:Ken Marino|Ken Marino]] — Pocketeer * [[w:Christian Roman|Christian Roman]] — Old Timer * [[w:Laraine Newman|Laraine Newman]] — Betsy * [[w:Tara Strong|Tara Strong]] — Ron's Computer * [[w:Angus MacLane|Angus MacLane]] — Officer Wilson * [[w:Josh Cooley|Josh Cooley]] — Officer Phillips * [[Dee Bradley Baker]] — Mr. Jones ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{Toy Story}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2013 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2013 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Animated short films]] [[Category:Halloween TV specials]] [[Category:Films about lizards]] [[Category:Toy Story]] 92exl0qp1pb0ic9s9dx91lf8w5byozx 0 187542 3954289 3951610 2026-06-18T21:00:51Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 /* Cast */ 3954289 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title|2003 American animated film}} '''''[[w:Scooby-Doo! and the Legend of the Vampire|Scooby-Doo! and the Legend of the Vampire]]''''' is a [[w:2002 in film|2002 film]] about the gang who go to [[Australia]] to investigate the recent disappearances of the performances at the music festivals, by the so called 'Yowie Yahoo'. :''Directed by Scott Jeralds. Written by Mark Turosz.'' {{film-stub}} == Mystery Inc. == === {{w|Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo}} === * Scooby-Dooby-Doo! === {{w|Norville "Shaggy" Rogers}} === === {{w|Fred Jones}} === === {{w|Daphne Blake}} === === {{w|Velma Dinkley}} === == Dialogue == :'''Velma''': What happened to them? :'''Russell''': After they lost the contest, they went up to Vampire Rock to camp. They were never heard from again. :'''Fred''': They just disappeared? :'''Daniel Illiwara''': The locals believe the Yowie Yahoo turned them into vampires. :'''Shaggy''': The vampires, the creepy, and like scary-- :'''Daphne''': Alright, Shaggy! We get your point. == Cast == * [[Frank Welker]] — Scooby/Fred * [[w:Casey Kasem|Casey Kasem]] — Shaggy * [[Nicole Jaffe]] — Velma * [[w:Heather North|Heather North]] — Daphne * [[w:Don Messick|Don Messick]] — Scooby (archival audio) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Scooby-Doo}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2002 films]] [[Category:2002 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Films about vampires]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:Animated films set in Australia]] [[Category:Animated films set in Sydney]] b46opfyxx28ortz5lkjqund1uju0ezq 0 187611 3954302 3951601 2026-06-18T21:52:53Z ~2026-25598-28 3314456 /* Dialogue */ 3954302 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Scooby-Doo! and the Loch Ness Monster|Scooby-Doo! and the Loch Ness Monster]]''''' is a [[w:2003 in film|2003 film]] about the gang traveling to [[w:Loch Ness|Loch Ness]] and investigating reports of [[w:Loch Ness Monster|its monster]]. :''Directed by Scott Jeralds. Written by Ed Scharlach.'' {{film-stub}} == Mystery Inc. == === {{w|Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo}} === * Scooby-Dooby-Doo! === {{w|Norville "Shaggy" Rogers}} === === {{w|Fred Jones}} === === {{w|Daphne Blake}} === === {{w|Velma Dinkley}} === ==Dialogue== :'''Shannon Blake''': For centuries the Blakes have been falling through trap doors, finding secret passageways, getting kidnapped, and getting caught in traps of our own creation. The Blakes have been famous for being-how should I put this? Danger prone. :'''Daphne Blake''': [as the gang looks at her] What? :'''Shaggy, Scooby, Velma and Fred''': Oh, nothing. Love the architecture. :'''Sir Ian Locksley''': Curse me kilts, can't a man get a decent night's rest without-- ''[notices that his park is destroyed]'' Oh, dear me. No. No, no, no, no! Not the games field. It's ruined. This is an outrage! ''[blames Shaggy and Scooby-Doo]'' Look what you've done! :'''Shaggy Rogers''': Like, it wasn't our fault! It tried to eat us. We barely survived! :'''Sir Ian Locksley''': Tell me, what tried to eat you? :'''Shaggy Rogers''': ''[gulps]'' Like the Loch Ness Monster. :'''Sir Ian Locksley''': ''[does not believe them, now furious, loses his temper]'' For the last time, there is ''NO'' such thing as the Loch Ness Monster!!! :'''Professor Fiona Pembrooke''': But, Ian, look. The proof is all around us. :'''Sir Ian Locksley''': Ms. Blake, I do not wish to spend one more moment at Blake Castle! :'''Shaggy Rogers''': Like, us neither. We'll call a cab. Hit it, Scoob. :'''Scooby-Doo''': Taxi. == Cast == * [[Frank Welker]] — Scooby-Doo, Fred, Lachlan Haggart * [[w:Casey Kasem|Casey Kasem]] — Shaggy * [[w:Mindy Cohn|Mindy Cohn]] — Velma * [[Grey DeLisle]] — Daphne, Shannon * Michael Bell - Duncan == See also == * ''[[What's New, Scooby Doo?]]'' * ''[[Aloha, Scooby-Doo!]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! in Where's My Mummy?]]' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy!]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! and the Goblin King]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! and the Samurai Sword]]'' == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0418141|title=Scooby-Doo! and the Loch Ness Monster}} {{Scooby-Doo}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2003 films]] [[Category:2003 animated films]] [[Category:2000s American animated films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American children's animated horror films]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery films]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo direct-to-video animated films]] [[Category:Animated films set in castles]] [[Category:Animated films set in Highland (council area)]] [[Category:Animated films set in Scotland]] [[Category:Films set in Loch Ness]] 5zckpwb0qc976sczqui1dvbt8xuhcpd 0 192010 3954303 3902144 2026-06-18T21:56:27Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dialogue */ 3954303 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Doctor-Strange-logo.svg|thumb|You think you know how the [[world]] works? You think that this [[material]] [[universe]] is all there is? What is "real"? What [[mysteries]] lie beyond the reach of your [[senses]]? At the root of [[existence]], [[mind]] and [[matter]] meet. [[Thoughts]] form [[reality]]. This universe is only one of an [[infinite]] number. Worlds without [[end]].]] '''''[[w:Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]''''' is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] American [[w:superhero film|superhero film]] based on the Marvel Comics [[Doctor Strange|character of the same name]], a surgeon who learns the [[mystic]] [[arts]] from the [[w:Ancient One|Ancient One]] after a career-ending car accident. It is the fourteenth film of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). :''Directed by [[w:Scott Derrickson|Scott Derrickson]]. Written by [[w:Scott Derrickson|Scott Derrickson]] and [[w:C. Robert Cargill|C. Robert Cargill]].'' {{center|'''The impossibilities are endless.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== [[File:Benedict Cumberbatch on the set of Doctor Strange 2 (cropped).jpg|thumb|This doesn't make any sense.]] :''[The Ancient One catches Kaecilius and his Zealots stealing a page from the Book of Cagliostro which is a spell necessary to summon Dormammu to Earth. She appears hooded in front of them.]'' :'''The Ancient One''': Master Kaecilius, that ritual will only bring you sorrow. :''[Kaecilius and the Zealots attempt to escape from the Ancient One through the London Sanctum and in the city. They find themselves trapped in the mirror world by the Ancient One, who shows herself in front of the group.]'' :'''Kaecilius''': Hypocrite! <hr width=50%/> :''[In Strange's apartment, discussing his pursuit of expensive therapies to heal his hands]'' :'''Palmer''': Maybe it's time to consider stopping. :'''Strange''': No, no, this is exactly the time ''not'' to stop, because, you see, I'm not getting any '''''BETTER!''''' :'''Palmer''': But this isn't medicine anymore, this is mania! Some things just can't be fixed. :'''Strange''': Life without my work -- :'''Palmer''': -- is still life. This isn't the end. There are other things that can give your life meaning. :'''Strange''': Like what? Like you? :'''Palmer''': ''[pauses, shocked by his words]'' And this is the part where you apologize. :'''Strange''': This is the part where you leave. :'''Palmer''': Fine. I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. :'''Strange''': What, too difficult for you, is it? :'''Palmer''': Yes, it is. It breaks my heart to see you this way. :'''Strange''': No. Don't pity me. :'''Palmer''': I'm not pitying you. :'''Strange''': Oh yeah? Then what are you doing here? Bringing cheese and wine like we're old friends going for a picnic? We are not friends, Christine, we were barely lovers. You just love a sob story, don't you? Is that what I am to you now? "Poor Stephen Strange, charity case! He finally needs me!" Another dreg of humanity for you to work on. Patch him up and send him back into the world, hearts just humming! You care '''''SO MUCH''''', don't you?! :'''Palmer''': Goodbye, Stephen. :''[Tosses her apartment key onto a table and walks out]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Ancient One''': You're a man looking at the world through a keyhole. You've spent your whole life trying to widen that keyhole. To see more. To know more. And now on hearing that it can be widened, in ways you can't imagine, you reject the possibility. :'''Strange''': No, I reject it because I do not believe in fairy tales about chakras or energy or the power of belief. There is ''no'' such thing as spirit! We are made of matter and nothing more. We're just another tiny, momentary speck in an indifferent universe. :'''The Ancient One''': You think too little of yourself. :'''Strange''': Oh, you think you see through me, do you? Well, you don't. But I see through you! :''[She strikes his astral form out of his body.]'' :'''Strange''': What did you just do to me?! :'''The Ancient One''': I pushed your astral form out of your physical form. :'''Strange''': What's in that tea? Psilocybin? LSD? :'''The Ancient One''': It's just tea. With a little honey. :'''Strange''': What just happened? :'''The Ancient One''': For a moment, you entered the astral dimension. A place where the soul exists apart from the body. :'''Strange''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''The Ancient One''': To show you just how much you don't know. Open your eye! :''[She touches Strange's forehead and blasts him into a kaleidoscopic astral journey.]'' :'''The Ancient One''': You think you know how the world works? You think that this material universe is all there is? What is "real"? What mysteries lie beyond the reach of your senses? At the root of existence, mind and matter meet. Thoughts form reality. This universe is only one of an infinite number. Worlds without end. Some benevolent and life-giving, others filled with malice and hunger. Dark places where powers older than time lie, ravenous and waiting. Who are you in this vast multiverse, Mr. Strange? :''[Strange returns to Kamar-Taj and lands at the Ancient One's feet.]'' :'''The Ancient One''': Have you seen ''that'' before in a gift shop? :'''Strange''': ''[After a long beat]'' Teach me. :'''The Ancient One''': No. <hr width=50%/> :'''Strange''': ''[After Mordo hands him a card that reads "Shamballa"]'' What is this? My mantra? :'''Mordo''': It's the Wi-Fi password. We're not savages. <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange is experimenting with time manipulation using the Eye of Agamotto.]'' :'''Mordo''': ''[Bursting in]'' '''STOP!''' Tampering with continuum probability is forbidden! :'''Strange''': I was just doing exactly what it said in the book! :'''Wong''': And what did the book say, about the dangers of performing that ritual? :'''Strange''': I don't know, I hadn't gotten to that part yet. :'''Mordo''': Temporal manipulations can create branches in time. Unstable dimensional openings! Spatial paradoxes, time loops! You want to get stuck experiencing the same moment over and over again forever, or never having existed at all?! :'''Strange''': They really should put the warnings before this stuff. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kaecilius is invading the New York Sanctum]'' :'''Kaecilius''': How long have you been at Kamar-Taj, Mister... :'''Strange''': ''Doctor''. :'''Kaecilius''': Mister Doctor? :'''Strange''': It's ''Strange''. :'''Kaecilius''': Maybe. Who am I to judge? <hr width=50%/> :''[The Ancient One talks to Doctor Strange in their astral forms as she dies]'' :'''The Ancient One''': I've spent so many years peering through time, looking at this exact moment. But I can't see past it. I've prevented countless terrible futures, and after each one, there's always another, and they all lead here but never further. :'''Strange''': You think this is where you die. :'''The Ancient One''': You wonder what I see in your future? :'''Strange''': No. Yes. :'''The Ancient One''': I never saw your future, only its possibilities. You have such a capacity for goodness. You've always excelled, but not because you crave success, but because of your fear of failure. :'''Strange''': It's what made me a great doctor. :'''The Ancient One''': It's precisely what's kept you from greatness. Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all. :'''Strange''': Which is? :'''The Ancient One''': It's not about you. When you first came to me, you asked me how I was able to heal Jonathan Pangborn. I didn't. He channels dimensional energy directly into his own body. :'''Strange''': He uses magic to walk. :'''The Ancient One''': Constantly. He had a choice, to return to his own life or to serve something greater than himself. :'''Strange''': So I could have my hands back again. My old life? :'''The Ancient One''': You could, and the world would be all the lesser for it. I hated drawing power from the Dark Dimension, but as you well know, sometimes, one must break the rules in order to serve the greater good. :'''Strange''': Mordo won't see it that way. :'''The Ancient One''': Mordo's soul is rigid and unmovable, forged by the fires of his youth. He needs your flexibility, just as you need his strength. Only together do you stand a chance of stopping Dormammu. :'''Strange''': I'm not ready. :'''The Ancient One''': No one ever is. We don't get to choose our time. ''[Takes his hand]'' Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered, and your time is short. You'd think after all this time, I'd be ready. But look at me. Stretching one moment out into a thousand…just so that I can watch the snow. :''[Her grasp on Strange's hand vanishes as she dies.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange regroups with Mordo in the New York Sanctum following the Ancient One's death]'' :'''Strange''': She's dead. :'''Mordo''': You were right. She wasn't who I thought she was. :'''Strange''': She was complicated. :'''Mordo''': Complicated. The Dark Dimension is volatile, dangerous. What if it overtook her? She taught us it was forbidden while she drew on its power to steal centuries of life. :'''Strange''': She did what she thought was right. :'''Mordo''': The bill comes due. Don't you see? Her transgressions led the Zealots to Dormammu. Kaecilius was her fault, and here we are in the consequence of her deception. A world on fire. <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange enters the Dark Dimension to bargain with Dormammu]'' :'''Strange''': Dormammu, I've come to bargain! :'''[[w:Dormammu|Dormammu]]''': YOU'VE COME TO DIE. YOUR WORLD IS NOW MY WORLD, LIKE ''ALL'' WORLDS. :''[He disintegrates Strange easily. Strange re-appears.]'' :'''Strange''': Dormammu, I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': YOU'VE COME TO DIE. YOUR WORLD IS NOW MY... ''[realizes he's repeating himself]'' ''WHAT IS THIS?'' ILLUSION? :'''Strange''': No, this is real. :'''Dormammu''': GOOD. :''[He kills Strange again, resetting time again]'' :'''Strange''': ''[bored]'' Dormammu, I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': WHAT IS HAPPENING? :'''Strange''': Just as you gave Kaecilius powers from your dimension, I brought a little power from mine. ''[gestures to a loop of magic on his wrist]'' This is [[time]]. Endless looped time. :'''Dormammu''': ''YOU '''DARE!?''''' :'''Strange''': No. :''[Dormammu kills Strange again, and the loop resets]'' :'''Strange''': ''[Re-appearing]'' Dormammu, I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOREVER. :'''Strange''': Actually, I can. This is how things are now! You and me, trapped in this moment, ''endlessly''. :'''Dormammu''': THEN YOU WILL SPEND ETERNITY DYING! :'''Strange''': Yes, but everyone on [[Earth]] will live. :'''Dormammu''': BUT YOU WILL SUFFER! :'''Strange''': [[Pain]]'s an old friend. ''[Dormammu repeatedly kills him; Strange re-appears again]'' Dormammu…I've come to bargain… :'''Dormammu''': END THIS! :'''Strange''': ''[killed and revived repeatedly]'' Dormammu…Dormammu…Dormammu… :'''Dormammu''': YOU WILL NEVER WIN! :'''Strange''': No. But I can lose. Again. And again. And again. And again, forever. And that makes you my prisoner. :''[Dormammu kills Strange twice more; the loop resets after each death]'' :'''Dormammu''': '''''NO! STOP! MAKE THIS STOP! SET ME FREE!''''' :'''Strange''': No. I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': WHAT DO YOU WANT? :'''Strange''': Take your zealots from the Earth. End your assault on my world. Never come back! Do it, and I'll break the loop. <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange returns from the Dark Dimension.]'' :'''Kaecilius''': Isn't it beautiful? A world beyond time? Beyond death? :''[Strange lands behind Kaecilius]'' :'''Kaecilius:''' What have you done? :'''Strange''': I made a bargain. :'''Kaecilius''': ''[notices himself and his remaining Zealots fading away]'' What is this? :'''Strange''': Well, it's uh, it's everything you've ever wanted. Eternal life as part of the One. ''[Strange breaks into a wicked smirk]'' You're not going to like it. :''[Kaecilius and his remaining Zealots are sucked into the Dark Dimension]'' :'''Strange''': ''[To the departed Kaecilius]'' Yeah, you know, you really should've stolen the whole book, because the warnings... the warnings come ''after'' the spells. :''[Wong laughs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Mid-credits scene: Thor is meeting with Strange. The scene also appears in ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'']'' :'''Thor''': So Earth has... wizards now, huh? :'''Strange''': Tea? :'''Thor''': ''[finds himself holding a cup]'' I don't drink tea. :'''Strange''': What do you drink? :'''Thor''': Not tea. :''[Strange changes the cup into a large mug of beer; Thor drinks]'' :'''Strange''': So I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world. Your adopted brother, Loki, is one of those beings. :'''Thor''': It's a worthy inclusion. ''[the mug refills itself]'' :'''Strange''': Yeah. So why bring him here to New York? :'''Thor''': It's a bit of a long story. Family drama, that kind of thing. But we're looking for my father. :'''Strange''': Oh, okay. So if you found Odin, you'd all return to Asgard promptly? :'''Thor''': Oh, yes. Promptly. :'''Strange''': Great. Allow me to help you. <hr width=50%/> :''[Post-credits scene: Mordo visits Pangborn in his workshop.]'' :'''Pangborn''': Can I help you? :'''Mordo''': They carried you into Kamar-Taj on a stretcher. Look at you now, Pangborn. :'''Pangborn''': Mordo. So what can I do for you, man? :'''Mordo''': I've been away for many months now, and I've had a revelation. The true purpose of a sorcerer is to twist things out of their proper shape. Stealing power. Perverting nature. Like you. :'''Pangborn''': I've stolen nothing. This is my power. Mine. :'''Mordo''': Power has a purpose. :''[Pangborn picks up a crowbar and tries to attack Mordo, who strips him of his powers and restores his paralysis.]'' :'''Pangborn''': Why are you doing this? :'''Mordo''': Because I see, at long last, what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers. == Taglines == * Expand your mind. * Open your mind. Change your reality. * Question reality. Change your destiny. * The impossibilities are endless. == Cast == *[[w:Benedict Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]] as [[w:Stephen Strange (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Dr. Stephen Strange]] *[[w:Chiwetel Ejiofor|Chiwetel Ejiofor]] as Karl Mordo *[[Rachel McAdams]] as Christine Palmer *[[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] *Michael Stuhlbarg as Nicodemus West *[[Benjamin Bratt]] as Jonathan Pangborn *Scott Adkins as Lucian *[[w:Mads Mikkelsen|Mads Mikkelsen]] as Kaecilius *[[w:Tilda Swinton|Tilda Swinton]] as the Ancient One == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{IMDb title|1211837|Doctor Strange}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=doctor_strange_2016|title=Doctor Strange}} * {{Mojo title|marvel716|Doctor Strange}} * {{Official website|http://www.marvel.com/doctorstrange}} * [http://www.magicalquote.com/movie/doctor-strange/ Doctor Strange] quotes at the MagicalQuote {{Marvel Cinematic Universe}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Superhero films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Comic book films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]] [[Category:Films about magic]] [[Category:Time loop films]] [[Category:Films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films about wizards]] [[Category:Doctor Strange films]] mwh00ojv8t04k5qflb9npsl6ixbbcai 3954310 3954303 2026-06-18T22:02:33Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dialogue */ 3954310 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Doctor-Strange-logo.svg|thumb|You think you know how the [[world]] works? You think that this [[material]] [[universe]] is all there is? What is "real"? What [[mysteries]] lie beyond the reach of your [[senses]]? At the root of [[existence]], [[mind]] and [[matter]] meet. [[Thoughts]] form [[reality]]. This universe is only one of an [[infinite]] number. Worlds without [[end]].]] '''''[[w:Doctor Strange (film)|Doctor Strange]]''''' is a [[w:2016 in film|2016]] American [[w:superhero film|superhero film]] based on the Marvel Comics [[Doctor Strange|character of the same name]], a surgeon who learns the [[mystic]] [[arts]] from the [[w:Ancient One|Ancient One]] after a career-ending car accident. It is the fourteenth film of the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU). :''Directed by [[w:Scott Derrickson|Scott Derrickson]]. Written by [[w:Scott Derrickson|Scott Derrickson]] and [[w:C. Robert Cargill|C. Robert Cargill]].'' {{center|'''The impossibilities are endless.'''[[#Taglines|taglines]]}} ==Dialogue== [[File:Benedict Cumberbatch on the set of Doctor Strange 2 (cropped).jpg|thumb|This doesn't make any sense.]] :''[The Ancient One catches Kaecilius and his Zealots stealing a page from the Book of Cagliostro which is a spell necessary to summon Dormammu to Earth. She appears hooded in front of them.]'' :'''The Ancient One''': Master Kaecilius, that ritual will only bring you sorrow. :''[Kaecilius and the Zealots attempt to escape from the Ancient One through the London Sanctum and in the city. They find themselves trapped in the mirror world by the Ancient One, who shows herself in front of the group.]'' :'''Kaecilius''': Hypocrite! <hr width=50%/> :''[In Strange's apartment, discussing his pursuit of expensive therapies to heal his hands]'' :'''Palmer''': Maybe it's time to consider stopping. :'''Strange''': No, no, this is exactly the time ''not'' to stop, because, you see, I'm not getting any '''''BETTER!''''' :'''Palmer''': But this isn't medicine anymore, this is mania! Some things just can't be fixed. :'''Strange''': Life without my work -- :'''Palmer''': -- is still life. This isn't the end. There are other things that can give your life meaning. :'''Strange''': Like what? Like you? :'''Palmer''': ''[pauses, shocked by his words]'' And this is the part where you apologize. :'''Strange''': This is the part where you leave. :'''Palmer''': Fine. I can't watch you do this to yourself anymore. :'''Strange''': What, too difficult for you, is it? :'''Palmer''': Yes, it is. It breaks my heart to see you this way. :'''Strange''': No. Don't pity me. :'''Palmer''': I'm not pitying you. :'''Strange''': Oh yeah? Then what are you doing here? Bringing cheese and wine like we're old friends going for a picnic? We are not friends, Christine, we were barely lovers. You just love a sob story, don't you? Is that what I am to you now? "Poor Stephen Strange, charity case! He finally needs me!" Another dreg of humanity for you to work on. Patch him up and send him back into the world, hearts just humming! You care '''''SO MUCH''''', don't you?! :'''Palmer''': Goodbye, Stephen. :''[Tosses her apartment key onto a table and walks out]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''The Ancient One''': You're a man looking at the world through a keyhole. You've spent your whole life trying to widen that keyhole. To see more. To know more. And now on hearing that it can be widened, in ways you can't imagine, you reject the possibility. :'''Strange''': No, I reject it because I do not believe in fairy tales about chakras or energy or the power of belief. There is ''no'' such thing as spirit! We are made of matter and nothing more. We're just another tiny, momentary speck in an indifferent universe. :'''The Ancient One''': You think too little of yourself. :'''Strange''': Oh, you think you see through me, do you? Well, you don't. But I see through you! :''[She strikes his astral form out of his body.]'' :'''Strange''': What did you just do to me?! :'''The Ancient One''': I pushed your astral form out of your physical form. :'''Strange''': What's in that tea? Psilocybin? LSD? :'''The Ancient One''': It's just tea. With a little honey. :'''Strange''': What just happened? :'''The Ancient One''': For a moment, you entered the astral dimension. A place where the soul exists apart from the body. :'''Strange''': Why are you doing this to me? :'''The Ancient One''': To show you just how much you don't know. Open your eye! :''[She touches Strange's forehead and blasts him into a kaleidoscopic astral journey.]'' :'''The Ancient One''': You think you know how the world works? You think that this material universe is all there is? What is "real"? What mysteries lie beyond the reach of your senses? At the root of existence, mind and matter meet. Thoughts form reality. This universe is only one of an infinite number. Worlds without end. Some benevolent and life-giving, others filled with malice and hunger. Dark places where powers older than time lie, ravenous and waiting. Who are you in this vast multiverse, Mr. Strange? :''[Strange returns to Kamar-Taj and lands at the Ancient One's feet.]'' :'''The Ancient One''': Have you seen ''that'' before in a gift shop? :'''Strange''': ''[After a long beat]'' Teach me. :'''The Ancient One''': No. <hr width=50%/> :'''Strange''': ''[After Mordo hands him a card that reads "Shamballa"]'' What is this? My mantra? :'''Mordo''': It's the Wi-Fi password. We're not savages. <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange is experimenting with time manipulation using the Eye of Agamotto.]'' :'''Mordo''': ''[Bursting in]'' '''STOP!''' Tampering with continuum probability is forbidden! :'''Strange''': I was just doing exactly what it said in the book! :'''Wong''': And what did the book say, about the dangers of performing that ritual? :'''Strange''': I don't know, I hadn't gotten to that part yet. :'''Mordo''': Temporal manipulations can create branches in time. Unstable dimensional openings! Spatial paradoxes, time loops! You want to get stuck experiencing the same moment over and over again forever, or never having existed at all?! :'''Strange''': They really should put the warnings before this stuff. <hr width=50%/> :''[Kaecilius is invading the New York Sanctum]'' :'''Kaecilius''': How long have you been at Kamar-Taj, Mister... :'''Strange''': ''Doctor''. :'''Kaecilius''': Mister Doctor? :'''Strange''': It's ''Strange''. :'''Kaecilius''': Maybe. Who am I to judge? <hr width=50%/> :''[The Ancient One talks to Doctor Strange in their astral forms as she dies]'' :'''The Ancient One''': I've spent so many years peering through time, looking at this exact moment. But I can't see past it. I've prevented countless terrible futures, and after each one, there's always another, and they all lead here but never further. :'''Strange''': You think this is where you die. :'''The Ancient One''': You wonder what I see in your future? :'''Strange''': No. Yes. :'''The Ancient One''': I never saw your future, only its possibilities. You have such a capacity for goodness. You've always excelled, but not because you crave success, but because of your fear of failure. :'''Strange''': It's what made me a great doctor. :'''The Ancient One''': It's precisely what's kept you from greatness. Arrogance and fear still keep you from learning the simplest and most significant lesson of all. :'''Strange''': Which is? :'''The Ancient One''': It's not about you. When you first came to me, you asked me how I was able to heal Jonathan Pangborn. I didn't. He channels dimensional energy directly into his own body. :'''Strange''': He uses magic to walk. :'''The Ancient One''': Constantly. He had a choice, to return to his own life or to serve something greater than himself. :'''Strange''': So I could have my hands back again. My old life? :'''The Ancient One''': You could, and the world would be all the lesser for it. I hated drawing power from the Dark Dimension, but as you well know, sometimes, one must break the rules in order to serve the greater good. :'''Strange''': Mordo won't see it that way. :'''The Ancient One''': Mordo's soul is rigid and unmovable, forged by the fires of his youth. He needs your flexibility, just as you need his strength. Only together do you stand a chance of stopping Dormammu. :'''Strange''': I'm not ready. :'''The Ancient One''': No one ever is. We don't get to choose our time. ''[Takes his hand]'' Death is what gives life meaning. To know your days are numbered, and your time is short. You'd think after all this time, I'd be ready. But look at me. Stretching one moment out into a thousand…just so that I can watch the snow. :''[Her grasp on Strange's hand vanishes as she dies.]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange regroups with Mordo in the New York Sanctum following the Ancient One's death]'' :'''Strange''': She's dead. :'''Mordo''': You were right. She wasn't who I thought she was. :'''Strange''': She was complicated. :'''Mordo''': Complicated. The Dark Dimension is volatile, dangerous. What if it overtook her? She taught us it was forbidden while she drew on its power to steal centuries of life. :'''Strange''': She did what she thought was right. :'''Mordo''': The bill comes due. Don't you see? Her transgressions led the Zealots to Dormammu. Kaecilius was her fault, and here we are in the consequence of her deception. A world on fire. <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange enters the Dark Dimension to bargain with Dormammu]'' :'''Strange''': Dormammu, I've come to bargain! :'''[[w:Dormammu|Dormammu]]''': YOU'VE COME TO DIE. YOUR WORLD IS NOW MY WORLD, LIKE ''ALL'' WORLDS. :''[He disintegrates Strange easily. Strange re-appears.]'' :'''Strange''': Dormammu, I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': YOU'VE COME TO DIE. YOUR WORLD IS NOW MY... ''[realizes he's repeating himself]'' ''WHAT IS THIS?'' ILLUSION? :'''Strange''': No, this is real. :'''Dormammu''': GOOD. :''[He kills Strange again, resetting time again]'' :'''Strange''': ''[bored]'' Dormammu, I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': WHAT IS HAPPENING? :'''Strange''': Just as you gave Kaecilius powers from your dimension, I brought a little power from mine. ''[gestures to a loop of magic on his wrist]'' This is time. Endless [[w:time loop|looped time]]. :'''Dormammu''': ''YOU '''DARE?!''''' :'''Strange''': No. :''[Dormammu kills Strange again, and the loop resets]'' :'''Strange''': ''[Re-appearing]'' Dormammu, I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOREVER. :'''Strange''': Actually, I can. This is how things are now! You and me, trapped in this moment, ''endlessly''. :'''Dormammu''': THEN YOU WILL SPEND ETERNITY DYING! :'''Strange''': Yes. But everyone on Earth will live. :'''Dormammu''': BUT YOU WILL SUFFER! :'''Strange''': Pain's an old friend. ''[An enraged Dormammu repeatedly kills him; Strange re-appears again]'' Dormammu…I've come to bargain… :'''Dormammu''': END THIS! :'''Strange''': ''[killed and revived repeatedly]'' Dormammu…Dormammu…Dormammu… :'''Dormammu''': YOU WILL NEVER WIN! :'''Strange''': No... but I can lose. Again. And again. And again, and again, forever. And that makes you my prisoner. :''[Dormammu kills Strange twice more; the loop resets after each death]'' :'''Dormammu''': '''''NO! STOP! MAKE THIS STOP! SET ME FREE!''''' :'''Strange''': No. I've come to bargain. :'''Dormammu''': WHAT DO YOU WANT? :'''Strange''': Take your zealots from the Earth. End your assault on my world. Never come back! Do it, and I'll break the loop. <hr width=50%/> :''[Strange returns from the Dark Dimension.]'' :'''Kaecilius''': Isn't it beautiful? A world beyond time? Beyond death? :''[Strange lands behind Kaecilius]'' :'''Kaecilius:''' What have you done? :'''Strange''': I made a bargain. :'''Kaecilius''': ''[notices himself and his remaining Zealots fading away]'' What is this? :'''Strange''': Well, it's uh, it's everything you've ever wanted. Eternal life as part of the One. ''[Strange breaks into a wicked smirk]'' You're not going to like it. :''[Kaecilius and his remaining Zealots are sucked into the Dark Dimension]'' :'''Strange''': ''[To the departed Kaecilius]'' Yeah, you know, you really should've stolen the whole book, because the warnings... the warnings come ''after'' the spells. :''[Wong laughs]'' <hr width=50%/> :''[Mid-credits scene: Thor is meeting with Strange. The scene also appears in ''[[Thor: Ragnarok]]'']'' :'''Thor''': So Earth has... wizards now, huh? :'''Strange''': Tea? :'''Thor''': ''[finds himself holding a cup]'' I don't drink tea. :'''Strange''': What do you drink? :'''Thor''': Not tea. :''[Strange changes the cup into a large mug of beer; Thor drinks]'' :'''Strange''': So I keep a watch list of individuals and beings from other realms that may be a threat to this world. Your adopted brother, Loki, is one of those beings. :'''Thor''': It's a worthy inclusion. ''[the mug refills itself]'' :'''Strange''': Yeah. So why bring him here to New York? :'''Thor''': It's a bit of a long story. Family drama, that kind of thing. But we're looking for my father. :'''Strange''': Oh, okay. So if you found Odin, you'd all return to Asgard promptly? :'''Thor''': Oh, yes. Promptly. :'''Strange''': Great. Allow me to help you. <hr width=50%/> :''[Post-credits scene: Mordo visits Pangborn in his workshop.]'' :'''Pangborn''': Can I help you? :'''Mordo''': They carried you into Kamar-Taj on a stretcher. Look at you now, Pangborn. :'''Pangborn''': Mordo. So what can I do for you, man? :'''Mordo''': I've been away for many months now, and I've had a revelation. The true purpose of a sorcerer is to twist things out of their proper shape. Stealing power. Perverting nature. Like you. :'''Pangborn''': I've stolen nothing. This is my power. Mine. :'''Mordo''': Power has a purpose. :''[Pangborn picks up a crowbar and tries to attack Mordo, who strips him of his powers and restores his paralysis.]'' :'''Pangborn''': Why are you doing this? :'''Mordo''': Because I see, at long last, what's wrong with the world. Too many sorcerers. == Taglines == * Expand your mind. * Open your mind. Change your reality. * Question reality. Change your destiny. * The impossibilities are endless. == Cast == *[[w:Benedict Cumberbatch|Benedict Cumberbatch]] as [[w:Stephen Strange (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Dr. Stephen Strange]] *[[w:Chiwetel Ejiofor|Chiwetel Ejiofor]] as Karl Mordo *[[Rachel McAdams]] as Christine Palmer *[[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] as [[w:Wong (Marvel Cinematic Universe)|Wong]] *Michael Stuhlbarg as Nicodemus West *[[Benjamin Bratt]] as Jonathan Pangborn *Scott Adkins as Lucian *[[w:Mads Mikkelsen|Mads Mikkelsen]] as Kaecilius *[[w:Tilda Swinton|Tilda Swinton]] as the Ancient One == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} * {{IMDb title|1211837|Doctor Strange}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=doctor_strange_2016|title=Doctor Strange}} * {{Mojo title|marvel716|Doctor Strange}} * {{Official website|http://www.marvel.com/doctorstrange}} * [http://www.magicalquote.com/movie/doctor-strange/ Doctor Strange] quotes at the MagicalQuote {{Marvel Cinematic Universe}} [[Category:2016 films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Superhero films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Science fiction films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Action films]] [[Category:Comic book films]] [[Category:Films set in New York City]] [[Category:Marvel Cinematic Universe films]] [[Category:Films about magic]] [[Category:Time loop films]] [[Category:Films about parallel universes]] [[Category:Films about wizards]] [[Category:Doctor Strange films]] flg21ieito03jk037s6t21otl7r7zu0 0 192974 3954154 3953417 2026-06-18T15:01:21Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* The End of an Era [8.09] */ 3954154 wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the eighth season ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]''. == ''From Hedorium to Eternity [8.01]'' == :'''Jonesy''': Pancakes! :'''Lucy Mann (11 years old)''': Would you quit it?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucy Mann (11 years old)''': But, Mr. Baumann was totally fine until he came back to the old Collins's house. :'''Ben Tennyson (11 years old)''': Yeah suddenly he was... nice. :'''Gwen Tennyson (11 years old): To Ben. :'''Grandpa Max''': (''gasp'') Something is definitely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson (11 years old)''': Looks like Way Big is way too big. :'''Way Big''': (''sarcastically'') Oh, that was so funny I forgot to laugh. === ''Stuck on You [8.02]'' === :'''Trumbipulor''': Khyber? W-what can I do for you? :'''Khyber''': Nothing. It's your parasite I'm after. :'''Skurd''': Greetings... and farewell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': Skurd's the name! The dollop with the wallop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heatblast''': Back off, Khyber! This is my lucky day, so get ready for an unlucky defeat! :'''Khyber''': Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to play with fire? :'''Heatblast''': Hey! No mothers, man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heatblast''': (''to Khyber'') What, no dog? No cat? Nothing to wear the Nemetrix for you? It's not like you're going to use it yourself. Or are you already plum loco? :'''Rook Blonko''': "Plum loco"? Crazy fruit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Driba''': (''while working on the teleporter'') I'm adjusting the quantum entanglement pathway. Still seems screwy to me. :'''Bluckic''': Par for the course. :'''Driba''': A golf analogy? From you, Blukic?! :'''Blukic''': Max says it. Hit it on the green for a- :'''Driba''': Touchdown! :'''Blukic''': No, a hole in one! :'''Driba''': A touchdown! :'''Blukic''': A hole in one! :'''Driba''': (''groans'') Stop harshing my quantum mechanics! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': Khyber, you are under arrest for this, as well as your past crimes! Do you understand? :'''Khyber''': My mind is perfectly sound, Revonnahgander. That said, I'm grateful you removed the quinoa when you did. :'''Rook Blonko''': You mean the Nemetrix? :'''Khyber''': Why, what did I say? === ''Let's Do the Time War Again [8.03]'' === :'''Rook Blonko''': You will pay for destroying my Proto-TRUK! :'''Exo-Skull''': Ah, put it on my tab, ya lousy red spot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': No need to thank me, Tennyson. :'''Feedback''': Thank you? :'''Skurd''': You are too kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eon''': It's an easy smash-and-grab. :'''Subdora''': If it's-a so easy, why don't you-a do it? :'''Eon''': Because he's the smash, and you're the grab. I'm playing to your strengths. :'''Exo-Skull''': What are your strengths, Eon? :'''Eon''': (''hand sparking'') You don't want to find out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eon''': ''[after Big Chuck grabs his weapon with his tongue]'' Give that back! :'''Big Chuck''': ''[eats the weapon]'' Gladly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben 10,000''': (''after using Crashocker to beat Exo-Skull'') Sorry, guy. That's just the way the bug bounces. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': The creature appears to move faster than light itself. :'''Gravattack''': Yeah, and high amounts of gravity can affect the speed of light. :'''Rook Blonko''': I'm stunned. You actually know a special property of Einstein's theory of relativity. :'''Gravattack''': Yeah, it was a bonus move in Sumo Slammers IV: The Wrath of Kenko. :'''Rook Blonko''': ...My faith in the order of the universe is restored. === ''Secret of Dos Santos [8.04]'' === :'''Kai Green''': Whoa! That's new. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. Time cycles.They, like, time travel and stuff. :'''Kai Green''': So, what are you doing here? :'''Ben Tennyson''': You called me, Kai. :'''Kai Green''': No, I was just thinking about you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No, you did. We had a nice conversation. You practically begged me to come help you. :'''Kai Green''': Why would I- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you did... or will. Did I mention these were time bikes? Time travel is weird. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kai Green''': I'm looking for alien artifacts in the temple... :'''Ben Tennyson''': Of the sky, but your grandpa's worried because legend is that anyone who disturbs the temple will suffer the wrath of its spirit guardians. We already had this conversation in the future. Remember? :'''Kai Green''': No, I don't. Are you coming with me or not? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Anything for the future Mrs. Tennyson. :'''Kai Green''': And forget that stuff that Spanner said about us being a couple someday. You owe me an orb. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, yeah... the orb of something-something. It's on my to-do list, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Rook, your breath is so bad, it's scaring the locals. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The mystery of this temple has got nothing on the mystery of Kai Green. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': You triggered a "bobo trap"! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's "booby trap"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why is she looking over here? :'''Rook Blonko''': I am a blue,fur-covered alien, so if I had to venture a guess- :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're right! Kai's making fun of me because she can speak Spanish and I can't! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exo-Skull''': (''Grabs Kai'') You've got guts, girly. Now, let's see what they look like! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kai Green''': Ugh, gotcha! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thanks, sweetie. :'''Kai Green''': ''[lets go of Ben]'' No problem. :''' Professor Paradox''': And everything is on track. Ujin, I apologize for the damage to your magnificent temple. Please continue to guard-- :'''Ujin''': The temporal mainspring! :'''Rook Blonko''': Professor, should we not be pursuing the thieves? :'''Professor Paradox''': In good time, Rook. The future unfolds as it must. :'''Ujin''': Wait, you stick me in this hope for eons guarding that piece of junk, and then when it gets jacked, all you got to say is "in good time"?! :'''Professor Paradox''': Did I mention it's fifth season on Galvan Prime? ''[opens a portal]'' A hot wind blows from the north and the females' faces become dry and crusty :'''Ujin''': Whoop! Time to go home, folks. :'''Professor Paradox''': Yes, till we meet again. :'''Kai Green''': ''[to Ben]'' You're okay to ride? :'''Skurd''': No please, why don't you two keep steaming up South America with your-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[hits Skurd on the Time Cycle side]'' I'm good Kai. :'''Kai Green''': ''[walking away]'' Alright, Mr. Tennyson. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Later, "Mrs. Tennyson." :'''Kai Green''': ''[frustrated]'' Ugh! That again?! Ben, there is no way we are married in the future. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I was teasing! :'''Kai Green''': I know, stop being so... ugh! ''[walks away]'' === ''Third Time's a Charm [8.05]'' === :''[The library basement: Kevin feeds Zed a dog biscuit. Gwen comes downstairs.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can't sit here moping forever, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': You're right. Let's go for a ride. ''[Remembers that his car is still missing]'' Oh, wait. I don't have my car. ---- :''[Charmcaster's bag: Gwen lands on Addwaitya's back.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Gets off Addwaitya's back]'' Huh? :''[Addwaitya stands up with his back turned to Gwen. He turns around.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't move, Addwaitya! I'm a lot more powerful now than the last time we fought. ''[Tries to uses her powers on Addwaitya, but her powers disappear]'' :'''Darkstar''': Your posturing while adorable is quite pointless, Lovely Gwen. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Tries to use her powers]'' Eradiko! Portallus Projectum! Berdi Mordo&ndash; Nata! ''[Nothing happens]'' What did you do to my powers? :'''Hex''': This is not any of our doing, Gwendolyn. :'''Darkstar''': Speak for yourself, "Uncle Hex". Charmcaster is your niece. :'''Addwaitya''': Dare not speak that wretched name in my presence. :'''Darkstar''': Or what? You'll yell even louder? :'''Addwaitya''': I shall yell as loudly as I wish, whenever I wish! :'''Hex''': It is good to see you again, Gwendolyn. I'm only sorry that it's because you are now trapped here forever too. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': There's got to be a way out. :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' There isn't. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Did you try&ndash;? :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' Yes. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well, how about&ndash;? :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' Yes. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look, we each know a lot about magic. If we put our heads together&ndash; :'''Hex''': ''[About Addwaitya]'' His head is on fire. :'''Darkstar''': ''[To Hex]'' Yours is a skull. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' Come on! Work with me, people! :'''Addwaitya''': I refuse to divulge even one shred of my knowledge of magic to such unworthy recipients as you. :'''Darkstar''': Good. Maybe we'll be spared the sound of your voice for a change. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Turns away and sighs in exasperation]'' I'd pity anyone who got stuck with one of you as a college roommate. ---- :'''Charmcaster''': (''toying with the Gwendolyn totem'') Hi, I'm Gwen. I used to think I was so much better than Charmcaster. But look, now I fit in her purse! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Big mistake, Charmcaster. Way Big! (''activates Omnitrix, becomes Shocksquatch'') :'''Shocksquatch''': Or Shocksquatch. :'''Skurd''': Why do you even bother to call them out before you transform? :'''Shocksquatch''': I don't know. I'm been asking myself that same question, eh? ---- :'''Rook Blonko''': Why does Zed keep behaving like this? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe the totems have some weird effect on her. She is an alien. :'''Rook Blonko''': I am an alien. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but you're always weird. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to make Charmcaster reach inside her magic bag. :'''Kickin' Hawk''': How? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't know. Think of something! :'''Skurd''': We're doomed. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look, we each know a lot about magic. If we put our heads together... :'''Hex''': (''looks at Adwaita'') His head is on fire. :'''Darkstar''': (''to Hex'') Yours is a skull. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Y'know, I used to wonder if Charmcaster and I could've been friends under different circumstances. And now, I know that's true. === ''The Final Countdown [8.06]'' === :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben is right. Graveyard duty inhales wind! Even the emergencies are boring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': This will probably turn out to be a misaligned power coupling. But protocol requires- :'''Blukic''': Driba did it! :'''Driba''': What?! No, I did not! :'''Blukic''': Did too! :'''Rook Blonko''': (''clears his throat'') Blame is not the issue here. :'''Driba''': He started it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magister Patelliday''': Now then, do you understand the charges against you? :'''Yetta''': Ooh, you know me and charges! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kundo''': This is the end for you. At least this planet will be purged clean. Let the final purge begi- (''Fistina hits him on the head'') Ugh! :'''Fistina''': Be quiet now, mister crazy-cat! === ''Malgax Attacks [8.07]'' === :''[In Plumber Headquarters, Ben is playing a video game where he is controlling a flying plumber headquarters and shooting lasers at fleets of ships.]'' :'''Ben''': ''[deep voice]'' Prepare to die in the hands of the detriment Earth scum! Sorry, dude. You four-armed freaks picked the wrong sandbox to play. :'''Skurd''': ''[sighs]'' What kind of species make light of their own destruction? :'''Ben''': Who cares? The game is awesome. They've stopped distracting me. I'm about to collect a kill-level bonus. :''[Skurd belches, which distracts Ben, and Ben gets eliminated in the game.]'' :'''Ben''': That's what you did! That's it! I'm getting rid of you for good! :'''Skurd''': I'm the fixed DNA is the nectar of the gods! I am not going anywhere. Hey! Look here, you! :'''Ben''': Blukic, Driba! I don't want this over-sized booger off me! :'''Skurd''': Ooh, this is fun. :'''Ben''': Fine, I'll get Azmuth to do it. :'''Blukic''': You're going to Galvan Prime? :'''Driba''': Then we're coming too! There's someone we need to visit. :'''Vilgax''': This time we will emerge victorious. :'''Young Albedo''': And when we do, the annoying union between Azmuth and Tennyson will be dissolved, permanently. :'''Skurd''': Where's Rook? I like him better. :'''Grandpa Max''': Visiting his sister at the Plumbers' Academy. :'''Skurd''': Hmm, I never got to say goodbye. :'''Azmuth''': All right, Ben. What trouble have you brought me this time? :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben has a pest-control problem. :'''Skurd''': I resent that. :'''Azmuth''': A Slime-Biot? I've never observed one, they're thought to be extinct. :'''Luhley''': Hello, Ben, Magister Tennyson. :'''Blukic''': ''[flirting]'' Hiya, Luhley. You look mighty lovely today. :'''Driba''': ''[flirting]'' Yeah, Luhley. You skin flares gently in the gentle afternoon sun! :'''Luhley''': Hi, Blukic, Driba. :'''Ben''': So, what's the verdict? :'''Azmuth''': I can use ironic particle surgery to break the genetic adaptation bond between the two of you. :'''Ben''': That sounds kind of "ow"! :'''Skurd''': You think? :'''Azmuth''': Well, it's practically painless. :'''Skurd''': Practically?! :'''Ben''': Great, then what are we waiting for? :'''Skurd''': Don't do this, Ben, I beg you. You need me! :'''Ben''': In what galaxy? :'''Azmuth''': Yes, Ben. Are you sure you want to do this? :'''Ben''': Why wouldn't I? :'''Azmuth''': Mmm, good relationships can be hard work, but it's often worth it. :'''Ben''': This one isn't. :'''Driba''': This place always makes me nervous. :'''Blukic''': Predators don't scare me, Luhley, I'll protect you. :''[blushes with Driba]'' :'''Luhley''': Blukic, you're blushing, you too, Driba. :'''Driba''': It's, umm... overly warm in here. :'''Blukic''': We're not, uh... acclimated to Galvan temperatures anymore. :'''Luhley''': Really? It looked like one of you wanted to ask me out. :'''Blukic''': What?! No. :'''Driba''': Maybe him, but not me. :'''Luhley''': But if you did, who would I choose? :'''Driba''': Well, I, for one would promise to respect your decision. :'''Blukic''': W-Whatever it might be. :'''Luhley''': Get out of here! :'''Blukic''': Yes, ma'am. :'''Driba''': We're not worthy! :'''Luhley''': No, I mean we need to get out of here and warn the others that Malware is missing! :''[Blukic and Driba gulps]'' :'''Azmuth''': Well, you got what you wanted, Ben, I hope you're satisfied. :'''Grandpa Max''': Skurd, how do you feel? :'''Skurd''': Never better. Hey! :'''Azmuth''': ''[places Skurd in containment jar]'' This containment unit comes with a morphogenetic dampening field that will inhibit your unique abilities. :'''Skurd''': Uh-oh. :'''Azmuth''': Now, my eukaryotic enigma, we can examine you more closely. :'''Skurd''': Um... help? :'''Luhley''': Azmuth, Malware's gone! :'''Ben''': That's bad. :'''Driba''': ''[carrying Galvanic flower]'' Here, my splendiferous gem, these are for you. :'''Luhley''': Pyâra blooms? My favorite. Thanks, Driba. You're so sweet. :'''Blukic''': Oh, ho, ho, it's on now. :'''Grandpa Max''': Listen everyone, if Malware has returned to life, we don't have much time. All of Galvan Prime could be in danger! :'''Ben''': Yeah, but what's he planning? :'''Young Albedo''': Are the drones in position? :'''Vilgax''': Yes. Let the attack begin! :'''Ben''': It looks like they're attack drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': Azmuth, what about the defense grid? :'''Azmuth''': I've strengthened the barrier since Malware's last attack, we're safe. :'''Ben''': Is that supposed to happen? :'''Azmuth''': No, it's not. Malware couldn't possible know about teleportation frequency manipulation. :'''Grandpa Max''': Maybe someone's helping him. :'''Ben''': Time to get busy! :'''Ghostfreak''': Let the games begin! :'''Ben''': Great, my evil twin and squidface. :'''Grandpa Max''': Now we know who's behind these attacks. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': Behold, my people. A hyper-evolved Galvan. I am your new master! :'''Azmuth''': Hardly. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': The reign of the first thinker is over, Azmuth. From now on, I am the ultimate thinker! :'''Grandpa Max''': Albedo wants to replace Azmuth. :'''Ben''': So what's Vilgax doing here? :'''Vilgax''': I have come to claim what is rightfully mine, Ben Tennyson. Now, give me the Omnitrix! The Omnitrix, I must have it! :'''Ben''': Vilgax stole Malware from the hall of predators. :'''Azmuth''': And fashioned it into a morphable suit of armour, with Albedo's help, no doubt. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': You think you're the smartest being in four galaxies? :'''Azmuth''': Five, actually. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': You're nothing! You hide in that lab of yours all day, pondering the Cosmos, hoarding it's secrets. That ends now. I'm going to tear your lab apart, and once I know the mysteries of the cosmos, I will reign supreme! Behold, I am your superior! :'''Azmuth''': Two enemies on two fronts, three, counting those drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': We'll need to occupy all three forces simultaneously. :'''Azmuth''': Exactly, I'll lead the attack against Albedo, you take the rest of our forces and destroy these drones. :'''Ben''': What about me? :'''Azmuth''': I thought that was obvious. Use the Omnitrix to kick Vilgax's butt! :'''Ben''': Now we're talking! :'''Diamondhead''': Hey, squidface! Let's rumble! By the way, nice outfit. I didn't know Malware was in season. :'''Vilgax''': So is your destruction! :'''Diamondhead''': Seriously?! :'''Vilgax''': I warned you to hand over the Omnitrix, now I'm going to beat you senseless and take it from you! :'''Ben''': You've been trying to get this for years, Vilgax. Each time, epic fail. :'''Vilgax''': This time will be different. :'''Atomix''': Let's test that theory, shall we? :'''Azmuth''': Albedo's breaching our defenses. :'''Grandpa Max''': Vilgax and Albedo didn't just beam in here from nowhere. :'''Azmuth''': They must have a ship in orbit controlling these drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': If I could get to it, and knock them out at the source-- :'''Azmuth''': Then we Galvans can concentrate on stopping Albedo. :'''Grandpa Max''': And I can help Ben defeat Vilgax. :'''Azmuth''': Your tactical prowess is impressive, Max. There might be a little Galvan in your blood. :'''Grandpa Max''': It's all Tennyson, do you have a teleporter? :'''Albedo''': Azmuth's inner sanctum, soon, I'll be ruler of this world! :'''Blukic''': Irresistible, the smile which she shares, that purpose created in me by your tenderness. I am he, and she is you. :'''Luhley''': Yeah that was beautiful. Now push that endochronometric isolator over here. ''[pushing the isolator with Blukic and Driba]'' I got a wordsmith and a florist, how lucky am I? :'''Albedo''': At last, Azmuth's secrets are mine! :'''Atomix''': Oh man, that was my best shot, and Vilgax is still standing. :'''Albedo''': Get out of my way! :'''Luhley''': There's no way we will let Galvan Prime's greatest secrets fall into the hands of a traitor! Right, boys? :'''Blukic''': Yup, for sure. :'''Driba''': What she said. :'''Skurd''': I'd love to help, but then I'm a prisoner, aren't I? :'''Albedo''': If I were you-- :''[Albedo activates the Ultimatrix and transforms into Negative Rath, then evolves into Negative Ultimate Rath.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': I'd rethink the situation! :''[On Galvan B]'' :'''Vilgax''': You can't win. Turn over the Omnitrix, and maybe I'll let you live. :'''Atomix''': Give up now, and... I'll just go home. I'm really tired. :''[Vilgax picks up Atomix, and then kicks him high into the sky.]'' :'''Atomix''': Not again! :''[Atomix then goes flying into the control room of the Chimeran Hammer, and Atomix reverts into Ben. Ben then sees Max typing on a panel.]'' :'''Ben''': Grandpa? What are you doing here? :'''Grandpa Max''': Trying to shut down those drones, but I need more time. :'''Ben''': I don't think I can stop Vilgax. :'''Grandpa Max''': We'll find a way Ben, somehow. :'''Vilgax''': ''[offscreen]'' He can't help you. ''[enters Chimeran Hammer]'' Nothing can. Go ahead, change into any alien you wish, it won't do any good. I am unstoppable! :''[Vilgax laughs evilly, pushes Max away and grabs Ben's wrist.]'' :'''Vilgax''': At last, the Omnitrix is mine! :''[Then, Blukic, Driba and Luhley are hiding from Ultimate Rath, who is trying to find them. The three Galvans gaze at a gun far away from them, Luhley then runs to grab the gun, but Ultimate Rath blocks it with his foot before Luhley can get it.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': Don't you know that little people shouldn't play with guns? :'''Luhley''': Who are you calling little? :'''Azmuth''': ''[offscreen]'' Leave her alone. :'''Ultimate Rath''': You're just in time, Azmuth. :'''Azmuth''': For what? To watch you bully my companions? :''[Ultimate Rath picks up two big wires and plugs them onto a machine gun, then picks up the machine gun.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': No, to die. :''[Ultimate Rath then blasts the machine gun on Azmuth and unfortunately, it seems to have vaporized the latter.]'' :'''Luhley''': Noo!! :'''Ultimate Rath''': I love the smell of vaporized Azmuth in the morning. :'''Luhley''': You're a monster! :'''Ultimate Rath''': And you'll obey your new master, Luhley, or meet the same fate. :''[Luhley then unleashes her jetpack and grabs the gun, then blasts it on Ultimate Rath.]'' :'''Luhley''': Blukic, Driba, run! :''[Luhley flies out, then Ultimate Rath exits too.]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[about Azmuth]'' I can't believe he's gone. :'''Driba''': ''[hazard detector beeps]'' Blukic, my hazard detector is picking up trace amounts of electromagnetic radiation. :'''Blukic''': Teleportation signatures give off electromagnetic radiation. :'''Driba''': You don't think that Azmuth was smart enough to teleport himself at the exact moment he was vaporized, do you? :'''Blukic''': He was, we're not. :'''Driba''': Then he can still be alive. :'''Blukic''': For about four minutes, after that, his atoms would degrade. :'''Driba''': We have to reconstitute him. How long has it been? :'''Blukic''': Three minutes, give or take a minute. :'''Vilgax''': I've waited a lifetime for this. :''[Ben then kicks Vilgax's face, allowing the former to be released from his hand. Ben then transforms into Whampire.]'' :'''Whampire''': Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer, octo-head. :'''[Whampire hits Vilgax]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Attaboy, Ben. :''[Luhley is firing lasers on Ultimate Rath on the ceiling, while he is chasing her.]'' :'''Luhley''': Whatever you two are doing, do it now! :'''Blukic''': How come Azmuth didn't program a return destination for himself? :'''Driba''': He didn't have time, which is why he's counting on us to rescue him. Now activate the teleport beacon. :''[Blukic and Driba activate a teleport beacon machine, and then, it manages to teleport Azmuth in the scene again.]'' :'''Blukic and Driba''': We did it!/I did it! :'''Azmuth''': Took you long enough. :'''Luhley''': ''[flies back in]'' You two are amazing! :'''Ultimate Rath''': ''[sees Azmuth]'' Huh? No! I destroyed you! :''[Ultimate Rath jumps back in]'' :'''Azmuth''': Yes, well I was smart enough to prepare for that contingency, and this one too. :''[Azmuth unleashes a device, and fires a green beam at Ultimate Rath's Ultimatrix symbol, making the latter revert into Albedo.]'' :'''Azmuth''': I've disabled your Ultimatrix. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': Aw, you mean I'm stuck in this hideous form? Forever?! :''[Albedo presses the Ultimatrix, but doesn't activate since it's disabled.]'' :'''Azmuth''': Albedo, do you know why they started calling me "the First Thinker"? It wasn't because I achieved a perfect score on my GATs as a tadpole. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': I knew that was apocryphal! :'''Azmuth''': Oh, I did. But I'm the First Thinker because I always plan for every contingency. After I designed the Omnitrix, the most powerful technology in five galaxies, my first thought was "Gee, I should probably invent a failsafe, in case some interstellar headcase ever gets a hold of one of these things." So I did. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': ''[yells]'' NOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Hang on, Ben. :''[Vilgax hits Whampire onto the wall, then the latter punches Vilgax. Vilgax then retaliates by grabbing Whampire's hand and swings him onto the ground, then throws him.]'' :'''Whampire''': It's no use, I need Skurd. I never should have let him go. :'''Grandpa Max''': I'll open a commlink to the surface. :''[Whampire gets surprised by Vilgax approaching him with an energy sword.]'' :''[In Azmuth's lab, while two Galvan security officers place Albedo under arrest and escort him out the room, Max sends a commlink, making a hologram of Whampire's face appear in the commlink interface.]'' :'''Whampire''': ''[hologram]'' Skurd, you've got to help me. :'''Skurd''': Say what? :'''Whampire''': You were right about us, we make a great team. So if you're still listening, help me, Skurd the Slime-Biot. You're my only hope. :''[Whampire dodges Vilgax's attack.]'' :'''Skurd''': You heard him, get me out of here! :''[Azmuth then frees Skurd from the pod and grabs him.]'' :'''Azmuth''': I'll teleport you to Vilgax's ship. :'''Skurd''': No, don't! I'm a one-celled organism, remember? Split me apart, and the reconstitution process will destroy me! Also, teleporting makes me space-sick. :'''Luhley''': I'll fly him there! :'''Driba''': How will you get past the drones, my celestial bonnet? :'''Luhley''': Very carefully. :''[Luhley flies her spaceship out of Galvan Prime, with Skurd onboard. She then dodges lasers shot by the Mechadroids.]'' :'''Skurd''': ''[grunts]'' I left captivity for this? :''[Luhley then is flying her ship to the Chimeran Hammer, trouble is, she has some more Mechadroids shooting lasers on the ship, Luhley then evacuates her destroyed ship and uses her jetpacks to fly with Skurd instead.]'' :'''Skurd''': You're fantastic, my dear. :''[In the Chimeran Hammer, Whampire dodges some sword attacks from Vilgax.]'' :'''Whampire''': Skurd, where are you, buddy? :'''Vilgax''': Your friend won't get here in time. :''[Luhley is then flying through the hallways of the Chimeran Hammer, with three Mechadroids following and lasers at her from behind.]'' :'''Skurd''': Incoming! :''[Skurd jumps on Vilgax's head, surrounding his body around Vilgax's head, making the latter drop his energy sword and making it obliterate. The three Mechadroids go away.]'' :'''Whampire''': Skurd, boy am I glad to see you. :''[Vilgax then tries to pull Skurd off of his head, two Mechadroids shoot lasers at Luhley and Max, while Max manages to shut off the Mechadroids on a computer panel.]'' :''[The Mechadroids on Galvan Prime also get shut down, and the Galvans cheer.]'' :'''Luhley''': Thanks, Magister Tennyson. :'''Grandpa Max''': My pleasure, now that those drones are out of commission-- ''[shoots blaster on Vilgax]'' It's payback time. :'''Vilgax''': Stop! Tennyson! :''[holding Skurd in his hand]'' :''[Skurd manages to escape from Vilgax's hand, and the former goes up to Whampire. Whampire picks up Skurd.]'' :'''Whampire''': I'm sorry, Skurd. You were right all along. :'''Skurd''': Uh, what was that? I-I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you. :'''Whampire''': I said I was wrong, I do need you. :'''Skurd''': I know. :''[Whampire places Skurd on his Omnitrix symbol.]'' :'''Skurd''': DNA! Mm-mmm! Yummy! :'''Whampire''': Thanks for the breather, Grandpa. :'''Grandpa Max''': Anytime, Ben. :''[Vilgax elastically grabs Max and he disintegrates his Plumber armor.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Okay, people. Let's shut down this nut bag. :'''Luhley''': Heads up! :''[Whampire uses his enhanced strength to force Max off of Vilgax's hand, then throws Vilgax. Skurd then gives Whampire Armodrillo arms.]'' :'''Whampire''': This is more like it. :''[Whampire drills Vilgax, making the latter spin around, then Vilgax gets fired onto the wall, Skurd then creates Bloxx lobbers for Whampire. Whampire starts shooting brick beams on Vilgax, the latter fires a red energy beam for the former to dodge the attack. Skurd then gives Whampire Feedback arms and uses them to absorb an energy beam shot by Vilgax.]'' :'''Skurd''': That's right. We're back. :''[Whampire punches Vilgax.]'' :'''Skurd''': Hmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Whampire''': Yes. :'''Skurd''': Goody. So we both agree to knock Vilgax into the warp core. :'''Whampire''': I was thinking we could use a smoothie break, but yeah, let's go with your idea instead! :''[Whampire then uses the Feedback arms to absorb the energy from the Malware Armor.]'' :'''Vilgax''': No! :''[Whampire then rams Vilgax onto the warp core.]'' :'''Vilgax''': NOOOO! :''[Whampire then destroys Vilgax's energy swords, but more importantly, the warp core is about to obliterate.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': The warp core is going to melt down. We have to get out of here. :''[Skurd discards the Feedback arms, then Whampire flies away from Vilgax.]'' :'''Whampire''': What's happening to Vilgax? :'''Luhley''': Photon radiation from the warp core breach is causing the Galvanic Mechamorph-based armour to transmute and calcify. :'''Skurd''': That suit of his just became a death trap. ''[to Vilgax]'' That's what you get for threatening innocent planets, you dirtbag! :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben, we need to leave, now! :'''Ben''': Don't worry folks-- ''[activates the Omnitrix]'' I got this. :''[Ben transforms into Gravattack.]'' :'''Gravattack''': Okay, everyone, hang on. :''[picks up Max and Luhley; about to fly out]'' :'''Luhley''': Wait, Ben! Magister Tennyson doesn't have a spacesuit. :'''Skurd''': Relax. I've got us covered. :''[Skurd makes a case out of Diamondhead's DNA, then Luhley opens the door and Gravattack places Max in the crystal case. Gravattack then exits the Chimeran Hammer, and suddenly, the ship presumably explodes. On Galvan Prime.]'' :'''Ben''': ''[to Skurd]'' We're stronger together, buddy, that's for sure. :'''Skurd''': I tried to tell you, but would you listen to me? No, which is why we need someone more flexible calling the shots, like me. :'''Ben''': Okay, look, I can still change my mind. :'''Skurd''': You have extraordinary instincts. :'''Azmuth''': Driba, Blukic, I want to thank you both for being smart enough to recognize the clue left behind by my brilliant contingency plan. :'''Driba''': You're welcome. :'''Blukic''': How are you feeling now, boss? :'''Azmuth''': Like brand new. The reconstitution process fixed my sciatica. :'''Grandpa Max''': What happened to Albedo? :'''Azmuth''': Oh, he's keeping the city clean for the next thirty Galvan solar cycles. :'''Albedo''': Can I get some sunblock out here? :'''Luhley''': So, is one of you going to ask me out, or should I just choose? ''[Blukic and Driba stare at her, unsure]'' Okay. I choose... Driba. :'''Driba''': Thank you, my sumptuous grail! :''[Driba kisses Luhley's hand]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[sniffs]'' I'll never love again. :'''Luhley''': ''[waves over a Galvan nurse]'' Blukic, this is my cousin, Duffy. :'''Duffy''': You're cute. :'''Blukic''': I'm in love again! :'''Skurd''': Aren't happy endings great? :'''Ben''': Actually, they kind of are. :''[Meanwhile, in space, we see a petrified Vilgax floating through space. Suddenly, Malware starts leaking out of the petrified armor.]'' === ''The Most Dangerous Game Show [8.08]'' === :'''Ben Tennyson''': I feel sorry for the loser who gets stuck being the next contestant on this show. :'''Charles Zenith''': And our next contestant is... (''suddenly warps his game show into the Plumber base'') Ben Tennyson! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I probabilty should've seen that coming. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles Zenith''': Kai Green is going to marry Ben Tennyson! :'''Kai Green''': Please! I've heard that one before! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': (''about Charles Zenith'') What did you do to him? :'''Pesky Dust''': Let's just say I know the cure for entertainment. === ''The End of an Era [8.09]'' === :''[In the future, at Ben_10,000 Tower, an alarm blares.]'' :'''Security Voice''': Intruder alert on Level 42. :''[Inside the building, Dr. Animo places a Technobug on a computer terminal.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Do that cyber voodoo that you do so well! :'''Humungoopsaur''': Get away from that door, Animo! :''[Dr. Animo turns around and sees Humungoopsaur, a fusion between Goop and Humungousaur. Beside him is Kai, who now wields Excalibur.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': That's Dr. Animo! :''[Dr. Animo leaps onto the ceiling and rips off a panel, exposing green wiring. He chucks the panel at Humungoopsaur, who morphs his physiology to dodge it. Kai, meanwhile, leaps out of the way. They run towards Dr. Animo, who lands back on the floor. Behind him, the door opens, and he shoots containers out of his left arm. The containers smash on the ground, revealing mutated tadpoles.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': My pets should keep you two busy. :''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]'' :''[Dr. Animo allows the door to close, locking Humungoopsaur and Kai out. The tadpoles quickly grow into giant multi-eyed frogs.]'' :'''Kai Green''': What are those things? Your archenemies are seriously disgusting. :'''Humungoopsaur''': Hey, it's not like I pick them! :''[Inside the room, Dr. Animo clumsily types on a keypad with his massive primate fingers. Having defeated the Mutant Frogs, Humugoopsaur is heard grunting as dents are made in the door.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Ugh! Here. Let me. :''[Kai uses Excalibur to cut a circle in the door. Humungoopsaur peeks through the new hole.]'' :'''Humungoopsaur''': Two more punches and I would have had it open. :''[Humungoopsaur pushes the doors to each end, crumpling them.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Well, now you can punch him instead. :''[A tube in the center of the room opens up, and Dr. Animo hops onto the platform.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': You're too late, Tennysons! Thanks to your Chronoporter, I shall travel back in time to retrieve the A.R.C., supplying myself with enough DNA to create an army of mutant creatures! :''[Humungoopsaur rushes towards Dr. Animo, and Kai throws Excalibur at him. The tube then encases him, protecting him from their assaults.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Say goodbye to your past and hello to oblivion! :''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]'' :''[The Chronoporter transports Dr. Animo into the past, and Humungoopsaur reverts back to Ben 10,000. He leaps down, Excalibur in hand. Suddenly, the Chronoporter activates again. He hands Excalibur back to Kai and they prepare to attack. After a flash of light, they see Spanner, standing atop a defeated Dr. Animo.]'' :'''Spanner''': Did you guys lose somebody? :''[The Chronoporter's tube raises up.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Spanner? What are you - where - :''[Kai sheathes Excalibur.]'' :'''Kai Green''': We haven't seen you in decades! :''[Spanner cuffs Dr. Animo.]'' :'''Spanner''': Yeah... I've been really busy. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[scratching head]'' Okay. Uh, well, thanks for the assist. :'''Kai Green''': We're about to leave for Plumber Headquarters. We'll drop Animo off on the way. :'''Spanner''': Oh, yeah. Grandpa Max is retiring today. :'''Kai Green''': You know about that? :'''Spanner''': Uh, y-yeah. It's all over the Extranet. :'''Ben 10,000''': And we're gonna be late if our son can't get his act together. :''[Ben 10,000 walks back into the hallway, with Kai behind him.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ken! Hurry up, buddy! ''[to Kai]'' What is with that kid? :'''Kai Green''': Don't look at me. That's all your side of the family. :''[Behind them, Spanner warps away.]'' :'''Ken''': I'm coming! I'm coming! :''[Ken climbs over the Mutant Frogs. He runs up to his parents.]'' :'''Ken''': I was looking for this. :''[Ken holds the Omnitrix in his palm.]'' :'''Kai Green''': The Omnitrix? :''[Kai takes the Omnitrix from Ken.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Unh-unh. You're still grounded, kiddo. :'''Ken''': It's an official function, so one of us should wear it, for old times' sake. :'''Kai Green''': For old times' sake? Wow. That is a real stretch, even for you. :''[Kai rustles Ken's hair.]'' :'''Ken''': Aw, come on! What if there's an alien attack or something? :'''Ben 10,000''': If there's an alien attack-- ''[looks behind himself]'' Hey, where'd Spanner go? :'''Kai Green''': The man said he was busy. Now, grab the mad doctor and let's get going. :''[Kai walks towards the Chronoporter, with Ken close behind.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Yes, dear. :''[Ken and Ben 10,000 join Kai and Dr. Animo on the Chronoporter.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ben to Plumber Base, four to teleport. :'''Dr. Animo''': I'm not mad. :''[The four are teleported away. At Plumber Headquarters, many guests talk amongst themselves, as the Plumbers operate the base. The four warp into the base, and are met by Blukic.]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[reading tablet]'' You are now arriving at Plumber Base. Barf bags are on your right. Any lingering dizziness is perfectly normal. :''[The family starts walking through the headquarters.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Wow. There is some serious political power in this room. :'''Ken''': Tell me about it. ''[points]'' Isn't that the guy from the HappySnax commercial? :''[An aged Rook meets up with the family.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': Ben, you've made it-- And on time. :'''Ben 10,000''': You don't have to sound so surprised. You ready to fill Grandpa Max's shoes? :'''Future Rook Blonko''': I do not believe an exchange of footwear will be required. :'''Ben 10,000''': No, Rook. That's a figure of-- ''[Future Rook smirks at him]'' ''[Rook smiles at Ben 10,000.]'' Oh, you got me again! :'''Future Rook Blonko''': That comedic ruse never gets old. But it will be a challenge to perform the duties of Magistratus as well as your grandfather has. :''[An elderly Max puts his robotic right hand on Rook's shoulder.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Nonsense, Rook. You're gonna do just fine. Truth is you've been top man around here for years. :'''Future Rook Blonko''': That is kind of you to sat, Magis-- :'''Grandpa Max''': Ah. Call me "Max." Might as well get used to it. :'''Ben 10,000''': I know the invitation said no gifts, but I just couldn't show up emptyhanded. ''[motions to Dr. Animo)]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': You're finally retiring, Maxwell? This place won't be the same without you. :'''Grandpa Max''': We've kept your room just like you left it. :''[Some Plumbers escort Dr. Animo to his cell. Kevin, wearing his Amalgam Kid suit, stands before the group. Gwendolyn appears alongside him.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Tennyson. :'''Ben 10,000''': Levin. :''[The two walk up to each other and do a handshake.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ha, so you're taking over Rook's old job, huh? :'''Future Kevin''': Hey, somebody's got to keep the Rooters in line. :'''Kai Green''': And Gwen, I hear you finally completed your second doctorate. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': I know. I know. Seriously, I would have finished a year ago if I hadn't been named High Magus. :''[The guests then starts to cheer and clap as they form a crowd around the elevator.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': You guys are just in time. The president of Earth is arriving. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[scoffs]'' This I got to see. :''[J. Jonah Jones, an aged Jimmy Jones, stands in front of a camera.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': J. Jonah Jones here, bringing you exclusive Jones Network coverage of the president's speech. :''[An older Will Harangue, holding the camera, stops the recording.]'' :'''Will Harangue''': Uh, can we do that again, Mr. Jones? I, uh, forgot to put in a SIM card. :''[J. Jonah Jones facepalms.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': Harangue! Remind me why I don't fire you. :''[J. Jonah Jones then hears the elevator clanking, and turns around. It opens, to reveal a series of Techadon Robots. They step out and move aside for Argit.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Greetings, fellow Earth-dwellers! :''[The crowd cheeers.]'' :''[Elsewhere in the Plumber Headquarters, Subdora sits in a vent. She speaks to her cohorts via a commlink.]'' :'''Subdora''': Okay. I'm inside. :''[Subdora jumps down from the ceiling. She turns invisible and sneaks around some Plumbers. She soon finds herself at the entrance of the base's vault.]'' :'''Subdora''': I'm outside the vault. :''[Maltruant and Exo-Skull sit atop Plumber Headquarters in space.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Well done, Subdora. You will wait for precisely 37.362 seconds and then proceed. :'''Exo-Skull''': Hey, I know you're the evil mastermind and all, but, uh, this place is Plumber central. What are we waiting around for? :'''Maltruant''': A random event, a twist of fate, an occurrence no one could possibly foresee-- unless, of course, you're a time traveler who's been there before. :''[Nearby, the sun flares with energy. Inside the headquarters, Ben 10,000 speaks with Argit.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Greetings, Mr. President. :'''Future Argit''': "Greetings"? Come on, you guys. Granted, I am the most powerful man on the planet, but I'm still the same old Argit. :'''Future Kevin''': That's what we're afraid of. :'''Ken''': Hey, hey, hey! Uncle Argit! :'''Future Argit''': Kenny! Look at you-- practically a juvenile delinquent! :''[Ken hugs Argit.]'' :'''Argit''': ''[whispering]'' Hey, uh, where's the, um, uh-- ''[points to his wrist)]'' :'''Ken''': Ah, my parents won't let me wear it. :'''Future Argit''': I'll take care of it. I mean, hello! President of Earth! :''[Ben 10,000 and Kai look at each other, when suddenly, an alarm goes off. The crowd gasps, and Rook checks a computer on the upper floor.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': It appears a massive solar flare has released a stream of high-energy particles. :''[The crowd murmurs amongst themselves.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': There is no cause for alarm. This station is fully shielded from ionizing radiation. At the very worst, we might experience-- :''[The lights shut off, and the alarm stops. Guests start screaming, as they lose their gravity and begin ascending. A Techadon Robot grabs Argit and pulls him down.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Hey, watch the jacket! :'''Future Rook Blonko''': A complete shutdown of all electronic systems. ''[Yelling]'' Everyone, please-- Do not panic! :''[The crowd ignores his advice and continues to worry.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Hey, settle down or I'll start knocking heads together! :'''Future Gwendolyn''': Kevin! :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[sarcastically]'' Your people skills have improved. :''[J. Jonah Jones speaks to the camera.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': In the absence of light or gravity, the wealthy and powerful of Earth float like, uh-- :'''Will Harangue''': Very important balloons? :'''J. Jonah Jones''': ''[covers microphone; clears throat]'' You know you can be replaced by a tripod and a remote control. :'''Grandpa Max''': Everyone, please. You are in no danger. The flare just knocked out the lights and the artificial gravity. We'll have everything back on in a moment. :''[The crowd relaxes.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': You did not mention that life support is also shut down. :''[The gang reconvenes with Rook and Max.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': I'm thinking we should probably keep the "running out of oxygen" part to ourselves. :''[At the vault entrance, Subdora checks her watch.]'' :'''Subdora''': 37 seconds. He may be crazy and evil, but the boss has a great sense of a-timing. :''[Subdora uses a lighter to open the vault's door. She floats upwards, and opens multiple holding lockers. Eventually, she finds what she is looking for.]'' :'''Subdora:''' There you are. Come a to mama, little Annihilarrgh! :''[Max explains his plan to the team.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': I'll go down to the power core and reset the breakers. That should bring gravity and life support back online. :'''Ben 10,000''': I'll go with you. :'''Grandpa Max''': No, Ben. I need all of you to keep everyone calm and start moving them down to the hangar deck. Be ready to launch the emergency pods just in case. :''[Max goes down the elevator shaft. Subdora contacts Maltruant.]'' :'''Subdora''': Hey, I got the Annihilarrgh, but this Star Core-- she's a fake! :''[Subdora retrieves the fake Star Core from her satchel.]'' :'''Maltruant''': A fake?! Impossible! I know I sensed the Star Core on this station. One moment. :''[Maltruant dowses through the base, looking down hallways, in command and outside the station. In the hangar deck, the group escorts the guests.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': This way! This way, please! :''[Gwendolyn suddenly senses Maltruant's dowsing. She gasps and Ben and Kai rush to her aid.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': It's Maltruant. He's at the top of the station, looking for something. :'''Kai Green''': Like what? :'''Future Gwendolyn''': I don't know. I just felt his mind searching. :'''Ben 10,000''': Whatever he's looking for, he's gonna find a serious beatdown. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': You guys head for the upper airlock. I'll tell Kevin where we're going and meet you there. :''[The three go their ways.]'' :''[On top of the headquarters, Maltruant continues dowsing.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ah! I have located the Star Core. :''[Subdora continues to traverse the headquarters' hallways.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You will proceed to the hangar level and wait for instructions. :''[Subdora sighs]'' :'''Subdora''': Whatever you say, bossman. :''[Subdora hears a door open from afar and turns invisible to hide.]'' :'''Subdora''': It's Max Tennyson. He's coming right this way-a. :'''Exo-Skull''': Max Tennyson? Listen, sweetie, I'll get the Star Core. You just stay put. I don't want you taking any chances with that guy. :''[Subdora gasps]'' :'''Subdora''': Mm. Don't you worry about me, my darling. :''[Subdora pulls out a device from her satchel.]'' :'''Subdora''': I just found an old friend to help me out. :''[Subdora places the device on a nearby cell, opening it. Max floats by it.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Magistratus! What say we make your retirement permanent?! :''[Dr. Animo grabs Max's leg and throws him against the cell's back wall.]'' :'''Subdora''': That should keep him busy. :''[Subdora floats away. Dr. Animo tries to punch Max's head, but he dodges it. They trade attacks, until Dr. Animo forcefully shives Max's face against the wall. Dr. Animo grabs onto Max, but he pushes against the cell wall using his legs, sending Dr. Animo into the hallway's wall. Using his robotic arm, Max pulls a cord off of Dr. Animo's body, forcing him to let go. Max then bounds off of Animo and the wall to deliver a blow to Dr. Animo's glass-encased head, knocking it off of his primate body.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Note to self-- reinforce neck bolts. :''[Max tosses Dr. Animo's head and body into his cell.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': I still got it. ''[wipes forehead]'' :''[Max closes Dr. Animo's cell doors. In command, Ken escorts the guests down the elevator shaft.]'' :'''Ken''': Ladies and gentlemen... and others, please float in a calm and orderly fashion through the access tunnel to the hangar deck. :''[Exo-Skull grunts]'' :''[Exo-Skull smashes through the base's ceiling. The guests scream.]'' :'''Ken''': Okay. Everybody out! ''[pushes guest down the shaft]'' Thank you for flying the Plumber Express. :'''Exo-Skull''': The Star Core-- Where is it? :''[Ken playfully shrugs. Exo-Skull growls and activates his jet boosters and charges at Ken, who avoids the attack.]'' :''[In the power core room, Max floats down to a computer. He turns the artificial gravity and lights back on.]'' :''[Back in command, Exo-Skull charges at Ken again. The lights flip back on, as does the gravity, causing both of them to plummet. However, Ken grabs onto a ledge, and climbs up. He walks down the stairs.]'' :'''Ken''': Well, Exo-No-Skull, don't think it hasn't been a swell time had by all, 'cause it hasn't. :''[Ken enters the now-functioning elevator. Maltruant contacts Exo Skull through their commlink.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What are you doing, you hapless clod?! I told you the Star Core is on the hangar deck! What part of that is so difficult to understand?! :''[Maltruant ends the communication.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Overgrown win-dup toy. :''[Outside the headquarters, Gwendolyn creates a giant bubble out of manna. She, Ben 10,000 and Kai exit the headquarters.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': That should give us some breathing room. :''[Maltruant appears, peering over them from another part of the base. A second Maltruant joins him.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Two Maltruants? :'''Maltruant''': Or so it would appear to your primitive eyes. True-- I cannot be in two places at once, but if I time-shift fast rapidly enough, I appear to be everywhere! :''[Maltruant demonstrates his ability by creating a third Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': One for each of us. How considerate. Okay, it's hero time! :''[Ben 10,000 puts together his two Biomnitrix gauntlets, only for nothing to happen.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Oh, come on! ''[taps Biomnitrix]'' What now?! :'''Kai Green''': Maybe that solar flare knocked everything out. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[motioning to Maltruant]'' He's a clock. How come he's still working? :'''Maltruant''': Ah, you see? I skipped over that moment in time, so I still have power. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': So do I! :''[Gwendolyn throws a manna disc at Maltruant, but it phases through him. She throws two more, but Maltruant's head key starts spinning, slowing down time. He moves slightly out of the way, dodging the attacks. Once they miss, he slows down time again and assumes his previous position. He appears behind Gwendolyn, who tries to hit him with another manna disc, which again misses. He re-appears behind her.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Please! I travel back and forth through time! :''[He creates two doubles of himself, surrounding the heroes.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You don't think I saw that coming? :'''Ben 10,000''': Well, it's been a while since I was in a good, old fashioned fistfight. :''[Kai draws Excalibur. They try to attack different Maltruants, but Ben 10,000's Maltruant slows down time and pokes Kai, sending her towards Ben 10,000. He then grabs Gwendolyn, and chucks her far away. He allows time to resume, causing one of Gwen's manna discs to hit the base, causing an explosion. The explosion sends Ben 10,000 and Kai flying, though the latter manages to ground herself to the base with Excalibur. She tries to grab Ben 10,000's hand, but fails. As he continues floating off, the Biomnitrix times back in.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': About time! :''[Ben 10,000 transforms into Atomic-X. He sends a blast of nuclear energy towards Maltruant. In the hangar deck, guests rush towards Plumber Ships.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': Please board the escape vehicles in an orderly fashion, ten to a ship. :''[Ken runs up to Rook.]'' :'''Ken''': We've got trouble. Exo-Skull is on his way down to the hangar deck, and walls seem to be optional! :''[A nearby door opens, crowded with Techadon Robots. Argit squeezes his way past them.]'' :'''Future Argit''': They're after me! They're after me, I tells ya! :''[Kevin joins Rook and Ken.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Why does everything always be about you? :'''Future Argit''': Hello! Is your name "Mr. President"?! They're gonna hold me for ransom-- Or worse! :''[Argit runs off, followed by his Techadon Robots.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Secret Service, protect your president! :''[The Techadon Robots surround Argit.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': ''[Future Argit hides behind his "Secret Service" robots]'' How did you ever get elected? :''[Exo-Skull bursts through the wall, blindsiding the Techadon Robots. Argit stands up, and is grabbed by Exo-Skull.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Aah! Aah! Aah! Watch the face! Watch the face! :''[Exo-Skull snaps the necklace off of Argit's neck, and tosses him aside.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Wait. He's after your jewelry? :''[The Techadon Robots stand up and rush towards Exo-Skull, who places the jewelry on his chest, causing himself to glow in a yellow aura.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Oh, yeah. ''[laughs evilly]'' That's the stuff. :''[Exo-Skull easily defeats the Techadon Robots, throwing them out of the base and pounding them into the floor.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': ''[lifts Argit by the collar]'' Argit, what did you do? :'''Future Argit''': I kind of, sort of took the Star Core and had it made into a necklace. The one in the Plumber vault is a fake, but I swear I only wear it on special occasions! It brings out the color of my eyes. :''[Exo-Skull chucks the torso of a Techadon Robot at the heroes, who all dodge it. They scream as he charges at them, and uses his horn to pin Rook against the wall.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Kev, buddy, I'd love to stay, but I have a responsibility to the people of Earth, you know? :''[Argit runs towards a Plumber Ship. He faces Harangue's camera once he reaches the top of the ship's ramp.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Re-elect Argit, 2032! :''[The Plumber Ship takes off, leaving J. Jonah Jones and Harangue.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': And we've just seen the president making a heroic retreat from this donnybrook-- :''[Subdora races past J. Jonah Jones, as Kevin is slammed into the wall along with Rook. The two walk up to the Plumbers.]'' :'''Subdora''': Ohh. I missed all the fun. :'''Exo-Skull''': Aw, don't worry, honey bunny. I think the boss has some action topside. Shall we? :''[Exo-Skull and Subdora leave. Outside, the fight with Maltruant rages on. Kai swings Excalibur at him, which he blocks and dodges. A punch from Atomic-X sends him flying back. Gwendolyn tries to impale him with a barrage of manna spears, but he swiftly floats out of the way. He flies high above the group and fires a time ray, which Kai blocks with Excalibur.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Ugh! :''[From his side, Atomic-X fires a nuclear energy blast. Maltruant then slows down time, and goes over the attack. Now in front of Atomic-X, he fires a direct time ray, sending Atomic-X into the air. Suddenly, Spanner appears from behind Atomic-X, and uses his rocket boots to push him back down to the headquarters.]'' :'''Atomic-X''': Spanner, what are you-- Look out! :''[Atomic-X pushes Spanner aside, and is hit by a time ray. He reverts back to Ben 10,000.]'' :'''Spanner''': Dad! :'''Ben 10,000''': Wait, what did you call me? :''[Spanner removes his mask, revealing himself to be Ken.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': It was you all this time? Why didn't you tell me? :'''Ken''': After you took away my Omnitrix, I wanted to prove to you that I was ready to be a hero. When Paradox gave me this time-shifter-gizmo-- :'''Ben 10,000''': Paradox gave that to you? Then he must-- Listen, Ken, I need you to go get help. :'''Ken''': I'm not leaving you! :'''Ben 10,000''': Ken, do what your dad tells you for once! There's only one person in the universe who can help us now. :''[Maltruant punches Gwendolyn and Kai aside, and notices Spanner going back in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ben Tennyson, savior of the universe. ''[laughs]'' It's really quite laughable, you know? :''[Ben 10,000 rushes towards Maltruant and punches him, but he blocks the attack. Kai tries to slice him, but he narrowly dodges her. She turns around and gets a hit off on him, allowing Gwendolyn to stab him with a manna spear. As he slides down the headquarters, she does a backflip and fires multiple manna projectiles his way. He evades every shot as he makes his way back up the tower, and decks Gwendolyn just as she forms a shield for herself. Ben 10,000 and Kai go in for more attacks, but Maltruant grabs Gwendolyn's cape and throws her at them. The generators on his backside open up, and spark with red energy.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Honestly, you're just becoming tiresome. :''[Maltruant releases a giant, red wave of energy all around him, freezing Kai, Ben 10,000 and Gwendolyn in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': And now nothing can throw a spanner into my devious clock workings! :''[A green orb of energy appears behind Maltruant, summoning Spanner atop the Time Cycles, driven by Rook and Ben (with Skurd in tow).]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ach! Me and my big mouth. :''[Ben stands up in his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Time's up, Maltruant! :'''Maltruant''': Somehow, I remember your quips being better. :''[Rook also stands up in his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Skurd''': No. They're always this bad. Believe me. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Aw, who asked you? ''[to Maltruant]'' Don't you remember that I always win in these situations? :''[A laser beam suddenly erupts from the headquarters, giving way to Exo-Skull and Subdora.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Yes, always. But not this time! :'''Exo-Skull''': I got to tell you, boss, the Star Core is something else. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, the sheer power-- :'''Maltruant''': Of course! :''[Maltruant takes the Star Core away from Exo-Skull, de-powering him.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Did you think I wanted it for just grins und giggles? :'''Subdora''': And your-a Annihilarrgh. :''[Subdora offers the Annihilarrgh to Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson and Rook Blonko''': The Annihilarrgh?! :'''Skurd''': Now how 'bout getting it away from the crazy villain and saving the universe, hmm? :'''Maltruant''': ''[to Exo-Skull and Subdora]'' Keep these three busy. My work must not be disturbed! :''[Spanner leaps in front of the Time Cycles.]'' :'''Spanner''': Oh, we're gonna do some disturbing. :''[Spanner throws out the Dehydrated Techadon Army Cube and splashes a bottle of water on it, forming six Techadon Robots.]'' :'''Spanner''': Attack! :''[Spanner and the Techadon Robots rush towards their enemies. Exo-Skull punches his way through one, but the others and Spanner get by him. Maltruant rains a time ray upon the remaining Techadon Robots, easily wiping them out. He lowers to the ground and grabs the still-frozen Ben 10,000 and Kai, hurling them at Spanner. As they float away, he turns around and blasts Gwendolyn with a time ray, also pushing her into space. Spanner activates his rocket boots, as Rook kicks Subdora away.]'' :'''Spanner''': Save them! :''[Rook nods and uses his Proto-Tool's grappler to reel in Kai. However, Subdora kicks him and whips him with her tail, knocking him down. The broken Techadon Robots begin to reform, and go to rescue the frozen heroes. Meanwhile, Exo-Skull chases down Ben, firing lasers at him and missing.]'' :''[Exo-Skull growls]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Batter up! :''[Exo-Skull once again charges at Ben with his jet boosters, narrowly missing his target.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Omnitrix. ''[activates the Omnitrix]'' Give me something that can fly. :''[Ben slams down on the dial, transforming him into Whampire.]'' :'''Whampire''': Yes! Thank you! :''[Whampire flies up, avoiding another tackle from Exo-Skull. Whampire pursues him.]'' :'''Whampire''': Okay, big, bad and brooding. Time for a little mind control! :''[Whampire spits out a Corruptura, which sticks to Exo-Skull's horn. Whampire flies down to his level, and attempts to hypnotize him.]'' :'''Whampire''': Sleep! Sleep! :''[Exo-Skull grabs Whampire.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Subdora''': He doesn't have enough of a mind to-a control. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltruant''': I wish I could say I will remember you all fondly, but when I'm finished, there will be no "you" to remember! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltruant''': And now, nothing can throw a spanner into my devious clock workings! ''[Spanner comes back with Ben and Rook with their Time-Cycles]'' Ach! Me and my big mouth. === ''A New Dawn [8.10]'' === :''[In the future, outside the Plumber Headquarters, Maltruant makes a getaway in his chariot pulled by a Time Beast. He disappears in a flash of red light, leaving Ben and Rook behind. Ben lets Spanner to the ground and hands him off to Ben 10,000 and Kai.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Rook. :''[Ben floats up to their Time Cycles. Just as he tries to get in, Professor Paradox appears from a portal.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Hurry, Benjamin. ''[removes goggles]'' You haven't much time. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ugh. "Time" pun. Good one, Professor Paradox. :'''Professor Paradox''': Unintended. :''[Paradox opens a portal and summons a Time Beast egg. He opens a hatch on the Time Cycles and places it inside.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Leave now, and you may still catch Maltruant in the timestream. ''[closes hatch]'' If not, then this Time Beast's egg will power your journey to places beyond even my reach. :''[Ben and Rook sit in their Time Cycles.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': I know you will not fail. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I won't. :''[The Time Cycles close their windshields and Skurd appears before Ben.]'' :'''Skurd:''' So serious. :''[The Time Cycles blast off and disappear in a green flash. In the timestream, Maltruant's chariot is pulled along. The Time Cycles suddenly appear behind him, and he fires off missiles at them. They swerve around them.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Donuts! :'''Skurd''': Do maintain a safe distance. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maintain, shmaintain. :''[Ben flies the Time Cycles up to Maltruant's chariot and rams it. The Time Beast is forced out of the timestream, but the chariot remains inside.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben, be careful. We do not want to end up like that Time Beast. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're shielded, right? :''[The Time Cycles swerve away.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben! :''[Ben once again rams the chariot, causing both parties to exit the timestream.]'' :''[The Time Cycles crash-land in a forest on Earth. Ben crawls out of his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[groans; chuckles]'' That could've gone worse. :'''Skurd''': Worse?! You tore through the fabric of existence with no regard for our safety. Our quarry is gone, and we are lost in time! :'''Ben Tennyson''': If we're lost, so is Maltruant. Besides, Paradox put me in charge, so we do this my way. This is not a democracy. :''[Someone steps before the trio.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Huh? :''[Rook draws his Proto-Tool. The person steps out the shadows, revealing themselves to be George Washington, armed with a musket.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': ''[to Ben, after Maltruant escapes with a Time Beast, right after Ben made a comment about it]'' Must you always jinx us? :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[appearing on a screen]'' In my experience; yes, he must. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ben tries to step forward.]'' :'''George Washington''': Do not move. :''[Ben stops in place.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': George Washington?! Oh man, this is amazing! :'''George Washington''': You have me at a disadvantage. I have never met you, nor your weapon-toting beast. :'''Skurd''': If it's any consolation, I don't know you, either. :'''George Washington''': The muck upon your arm speaks?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but he never says anything worth listening to. :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[puts away Proto-Tool]'' That is Ben Tennyson. And I am no beast, sir. I am Rook Blonko, a visitor from the stars. :'''George Washington''': Well, your conveyance does support your claim. ''[to Ben]'' Are you from Earth? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mm-hmm. But from the future! :''[Washington raises an eyebrow.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Smile for me! :'''George Washington''': Pardon? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Please? :'''Rook Blonko''': I apologize-- for whatever he is doing. :'''George Washington''': Very well. ''[awkwardly smiles]'' :''[Ben inspects his teeth.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey. I thought they were wooden. :'''George Washington''': Wooden teeth? Are you mad? If you two are from where you say, then what are you doing here? :''[Nearby, Maltruant lays face-down in a river, his chariot damaged. He gets up.]'' :''[Maltruant groans]'' :''[Maltruant projects a display from his chest.]'' :'''Maltruant''': 1773. Still so far. :''[Maltruant walks over to his smoking chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Putrid human. He will wish he were never born. ''[turns over chariot]'' Or... he never will be. :''[Maltruant projects a map of the stars and drags an arrow from one point to Earth.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ohh. That will do nicely. :''[Washington continues to speak with the trio.]'' :'''George Washington''': I'll own curiosity about your "time war", but I have my orders. I hunt a poor soul, trapped in a deathlike state. :''[Washington begins to walk away.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Like a zombie? :'''George Washington''': If that is what you call it. It's my duty to keep my countrymen safe from the things that go bump in the night. :'''Rook Blonko''': That sounds similar to the original Earth Plumbers directive. :''[Washington turns around.]'' :'''George Washington''': My society calls itself Plumbiers-- French for "ironworkers". :''[The four hear a moaning.]'' :'''George Washington''': Perhaps my hunt is at an end. :'''Skurd''': ''[to Ben]'' Shouldn't we be going? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Shh! I want to see a zombie! :'''Rook Blonko''': We have seen zombies. In fact, I have been one. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But not a zombie red coat! :''[A zombie red coat slowly approaches the heroes, moaning. Washington draws his musket.]'' :'''George Washington''': At the ready! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't worry, Wash. I got this. :''[Ben slams down the Omnitrix, transforming into Ghostfreak.]'' :'''George Washington''': A specter! ''[turns musket towards Ghostfreak]'' What witchcraft is this?! :''[Rook pushes the musket away from Ghostfreak.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben is not a ghost. He has only turned into an extraterrestrial that resembles one. :'''George Washington''': Incredible. :''[Ghostfreak flies towards the red coat. It lunges at him, but he turns intangible, dodging the undead's swipes.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Okay, time to take charge. :''[Ghostfreak possesses the red coat.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Ha! Gotcha! :''[The red coat begins grunting and punching himself in the face, until Ghostfreak is knocked out of him.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Aah! He has no mind to control! :''[Ghostfreak snares the red coat with his tentacles, restraining him.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': I might need some help! :''[Washington grabs a vial from his jacket and pours its contents onto the red coat, reverting him back to his original self. The red coat falls to the ground.]'' :'''Red Coat''': Oof! Zounds, what happened? :'''George Washington''': You were enthralled by an ancient curse. But you are well now. :''[Washington helps the red coat stand up.]'' :'''Red Coat''': Thank you. Thank you, sir. :'''Ghostfreak''': Hey. :'''Red Coat''': AAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! :''[The red coat scurries away in fear as Ghostfreak reverts back to Ben.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you take him prisoner? :'''George Washington''': To what end? He's a soldier of the king. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait, wait, wait. Isn't the king the bad guy? :'''Rook Blonko''': Perhaps your revolutionary war has not started yet. :'''George Washington''': War? :'''Rook Blonko''': Yes. Judging by the position of Alpha Centauri, we are in the early 1770s. :''[A spaceship suddenly flies overhead.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it? :'''Rook Blonko''': Plumber records show that the first recorded sighting of an alien craft on Earth was in 1773. :''[Near Maltruant, a metallic elevator crashes into the ground from the spaceship.]'' :'''Skurd''': And what kind of ship was it? :'''Rook Blonko''': The record does not specify, but they called it the cherry tree. :'''George Washington''': Hmm. I think I shall join you in your mission. :''[The four begin to walk towards the spaceship.]'' :''[Maltruant approaches the elevator. It opens, revealing a young Vilgax.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': I received a distress signal. Is someone in need of assistance? :'''Maltruant''': Vilgax. What a pleasant surprise. :'''Young Vilgax''': You know me, Chronosapien? :'''Maltruant''': Your... reputation precedes you. :'''Young Vilgax''': From a time traveler, that's high praise. The only reputation I've earned thus far is one of ambitious disobedience, which is why I've been exiled to his armpit of the universe. What are you doing in this sector? :'''Maltruant''': ''[motions to his chariot]'' I am currently stranded. :''[Vilgax inspects the chariot.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': I have the tech you need, but why should I help you? :''[Maltruant digs a Chronosapien Time Bomb out of the chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': I assume a Chronosapien Time Bomb would be payment enough? :''[The heroes continue to trek through the woods.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do we seriously have to walk? :'''George Washington''': My horses are stabled for the night. Else, we would ride. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sarcasm, dude. You and Rook should hang out sometime. :'''Skurd''': Oh, well, if you're in such a rush, you could have taken your Time Cycles. :''[They all stop walking.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you say anything earlier?! :'''Skurd''': Nobody asked. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Rook, go back and get the bikes. :'''Rook Blonko''': You are right. If we are to fight Maltruant, we will need them. :''[Rook starts running back to where they crash-landed.]'' :''[Soon, Ben, Skurd and Washington find themselves at the river. They spot Maltruant sitting in his ride as Vilgax's Crewmen repair it.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's Maltruant. :''[Vilgax exits the elevator.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': And that's Vilgax! :''[Ben hides behind a rock.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': So not good. We need to stop them-- Now. :'''George Washington''': I want to believe you, but I have naught but your word that these creatures pose a threat. :''[The Crewmen begin firing at Washington, who quickly ducks behind the rock.]'' :'''Crewman''': Perimeter breached. :'''Ben Tennyson''': That enough of a threat for ya?! All right, these are two of the most powerful bad guys I have ever faced, so here's the pla- huh? :''[Ben notices Washington has gone missing. He looks back at the river and sees Washington blasting one Crewman with his musket, then using it as a blunt instrument against another.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': Who is this savage? :'''Maltruant''': I have no idea. Dispose of him! :''[Vilgax draws his energy sword as more Crewmen are summoned to fight Washington. He jabs his musket into one of them, using it as a shield against the other, before blasting both. Ben watches from afar.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': He's good. :'''Skurd''': Well? Aren't you going to help? :'''Ben Tennyson''': If Vilgax sees me, I mess up the whole future. Or... something. :'''Skurd''': That's only if he sees you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ohhhhh. :''[Ben activates the Omnitrix. Meanwhile, Washington faces down Vilgax, switching out his musket for two axes chained together. Vilgax rushes towards him, but is suddenly enveloped in a watery vortex created by Ben as XLR8, stopping him in his tracks. He suddenly stops, and stands before Vilgax as water pours down.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ignore the human. The speedster is the true threat. :'''Young Vilgax''': First a Chronosapien, and now a Kineceleran? :''[Vilgax swings his sword at XLR8, but he avoids the attack.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': What an unexpected turn of events. :'''XLR8''': Yeah, well, this "turn of events" is about to kick your butt! :''[The Omnitrix begins to beep.]'' :'''XLR8''': Now?! :''[Vilgax kicks XLR8 into a tree, which falls on top of him. XLR8 then times out. Vilgax sees a green flash emit from the foliage, and the tree is lifted up by Mole-Stache. He tosses it aside.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': It... transformed? :'''Mole-Stache''': Skurd, give Mole-Stache the upper 'stache. :'''Skurd''': And away we go! :''[Skurd glomps on to Mole-Stache's mustache, giving him fiery maces made from Heatblast's DNA. Mole-Stache runs up to Vilgax and begins pummeling him, sending him tumbling down the river bank.]'' :'''Mole-Stache''': I guess you aren't quite so Vilgaxy yet. :''[Mole-Stache continues his assault in the river. Washington looks at Maltruant, and fires at him, only for Maltruant to slow down time before the ammunition hits him. He closes a hatch on his chariot, but spots the Time Cycles in the sky.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What?! :''[Maltruant takes off in his chariot, swerving around the Time Cycles' missiles. He restores the flow of time, allowing for Mole-Stache to land a blow on Vilgax. Vilgax is sent skyward, laning inside his elevator. Washington loads an axe into his musket, and shoots off a firework into the sky. It opens to reveal a kite, which is then struck by lightning.]'' :'''George Washington''': Back to the stars with you, beast! :''[Washington fires, and his electricity-infused axe starts spinning in mid-air. It cuts straight through the elevator, causing it to explode.]'' :'''George Washington''': Thank you, Dr. Franklin. :''[The elevator falls as what remains of it ascends back into the spaceship, Vilgax in tow. Rook lands the Time Cycles as Mole-Stache reverts back to Ben.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': The ability to transform at will. The power of that device will be mine! :''[Rook opens the windshield on his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Maltruant is getting away. We must leave immediately. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[to Washington]'' Thanks for your help. :''[Ben grabs Washington's hand and shakes it.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': It was amazing to meet you and everything. :''[Ben runs to his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh. And a suggestion. ''[hops in Time Cycle]'' Maybe you guys should change your name from "Plumbiers" to "Plumbers", Mr. President. ''[salutes]'' :''[The Time Cycles lift off.]'' :'''George Washington''': President? :''[The trio pursue Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We got him this time. Without a Time Beast, Maltruant definitely can't outrun us. :''[Maltruant opens his briefcase, and takes out another Time Beast egg. He rapidly ages it, and attaches it to his chariot. The Time Beast speeds up, and Maltraunt disappears in a flash.]'' :'''Skurd''': Must you always jinx us? :''[A feed of Rook appears before Ben and Skurd.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': In my experience, yes, he must. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! :''[Ben slams his fist down on the control panel, enveloping the Time Cycles in a green ball of energy. The Time Cycles warp away. The Time Cycles appear in the timestream. They follow Maltruant out of the timestream and towards a pink barrier. The Time Beast easily pierces through the barrier, and the Time Cycles follow close behind.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Brace yourself! :''[The enter the hole as it is closing in on itself, damaging the Time Cycles. The vehicles starts to sound alarms as pieces fly off of it. Green energy once again covers the Time Cycles as they reappear in a white void, spiraling. Ben and Skurd scream, but Rook remains calm.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Do you see Maltruant? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't see anything. :''[Suddenly, the three see a ship, coming closer with each successive flip of their rides.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Is that-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. No way. :'''Skurd''': Is that what? :'''Rook Blonko''': A Contumelia ship. What is it doing here? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we're about to find out! :''[The Time Cycles crash into the Contumelia ship.]'' :''[Inside the ship, Ben grunts as he pushes the windshield off of his Time Cycle. Rook easily kicks his off.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[weakly]'' Don't worry, I got it. :'''Rook Blonko''': Yes. Now, let us find Maltruant. :''[The three find themselves in the hallway where Ben and Rook previously encountered Argit, though it is far cleaner.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': If I remember correctly, this is the bridge. :''[Rook draws his Proto-Tool as they stand outside the doorway to the bridge.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': If he is here, Maltruant is most likely ready for us. :''[Ben shakes off his headache.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm good. Let's clean his clock! :''[Ben presses a button on the door, opening it. Rook sighs as he follows after Ben. At the bridge, Ben prepares for a fight.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You are going down, Ma-Ma-Ma-- ''[high-pitched; to Rook]'' Are you seeing what I'm seeing? :'''Rook Blonko''': Father? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Exactly. Wait. What? :''[Ben sees three anthropomorphic Mr. Smoothy cups at the controls of the ship. They smile at him.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mr. Smoothy! Or "smoothies" or... whatever. :''[The smoothies walk up to the three.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I see three of my father. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I've met your dad. He doesn't have a straw coming out of his head. :'''Contumelia''': You are both correct. We are the Contumelia, but our fifth-dimensional forms cannot be seen by your eyes. What you are seeing is only a projection of the thing that holds the most sway in your hearts. :'''Skurd''': Then why am I seeing three masses of energy? :'''Contumelia''': A genetometaformorphic. How interesting. :''[Another of the Contumelia speaks up.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Do you have anything to do with our other guest? :''[Ben and Rook glance at each other.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maltruant. Where is he? :'''Rook Blonko''': Why have you not tried to stop him? :'''Contumelia''': What can he do? He is as inconsequential to the experiment as you are. :''[The Contumelia begin walking away.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': They are no help. We need to move. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What experiment? :'''Contumelia''': We are about to create a universe. The countdown has already begun. :''[Rook takes Ben aside.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben, in the stories I heard since childhood, the Contumelia go from universe to universe destroying them, not creating them. I suspect that if a universe already exists in this dimension, the Annihilarrgh will destroy it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But if there isn't one, the Annihilarrgh will create it. :''[A Contumelia appears beside the trio.]'' :'''Contumelia''': How do you know of the Annihilarrgenesistoriathimiorgost? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maltruant has one of his own he's gonna use. :'''Contumelia''': Interesting. :''[The Contumelia teleports themselves, Ben, Rook and Skurd away. In the detonation room of the ship, Maltruant swaps the existing Annihilarrgh for his own, placing it inside of a yellow barrier. Suddenly, Ben, Rook and the Contumelia appear before him. A second barrier forms around his Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Maltruant''': A second too late, as usual, Tennyson. ''[notices the Contumelia]'' And ha! Three alternate versions of myself. Come. We shall relish in the victory together. :''[Ben looks back at the Contumelia, who remain still.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do something! :'''Maltruant''': The Contumelia?! :'''Contumelia''': That extradimensional field protects us from the upcoming release of energy. It is impossible to breach or turn off. :''[Ben groans]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, if you're not going to do anything, I am! Rook, you keep Maltruant busy while I find a way through that field. :''[Rook readies the Proto-Tool while Ben runs towards the field.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Haven't you learned by now that your attacks are fruitless? :''[Maltruant tries to use his powers, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What?! :''[Rook fires at Maltruant, pushing him back.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[after finding out Maltruant's weakness]'' Your powers are time-based, correct? :''[Rook attaches a missile to the Proto-Tool.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Too bad that time has not begun yet. :''[Rook fires the missile, and runs up to Maltruant, striking him with the Proto-Tool in its staff mode. Meanwhile, Ben scrolls through his transformations.]'' :'''Skurd''': Would you like me to give it a go? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Eh. What difference does it make? :''[Skurd scrolls through the transformations before deciding on one.]'' :'''Skurd''': And voilà. :''[Ben nods and slams down on the dial, transforming into Chromastone.]'' :'''Chromastone''': Holy moly! It's Chromastone! Nice! :''[Chromastone fires a prismatic laser at the barrier, while Rook blocks Maltruant's attacks. However, Chromastone's laser fizzles out, failing to destory the barrier. He tries punching it instead, but that doesn't work either. Maltruant's Annihilarrgh glows red.]'' :'''Chromastone''': It can't end like this. :''[Skurd begins covering Chromastone's arm in slime.]'' :'''Chromastone''': What are you doing? :'''Skurd''': Making a point. You never told me you had Celestialsapien DNA in here. :''[Skurd transforms Chromastone's arm into that of Alien X's, holding a sword made of his own genetic material.]'' :'''Skurd''': So elusive. :'''Chromastone''': Skurd! You slimy genius! :''[Chromastone pierces the barrier, as Rook is almost defeated by Maltruant.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Impossible! :'''Contumelia''': Interesting. :'''Chromastone''': Rook! :'''Rook''': It has been an honor to fight at your side. :''[Chromastone tries to grab the Annihilarrgh, but it descends right before he can grab it. It falls out of the ship through a hole. Chromastone dives after it.]'' :'''Maltruant''': ''[throws Rook to the ground]'' You vermin! :''[Maltruant pounds on the barrier. Outside the ship, Chromastone pursues the Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Skurd''': Well, we had a good run, dear friend. :'''Chromastone''': Sorry I called you a snot rocket. :''[The Annihilarrgh opens, and releases a laser that is quickly swallowed by a black hole.]'' :'''Skurd''': You never called me a snot rocket. :'''Chromastone''': I thought it. :''[Transforms back to Ben]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I can't believe my last words are "snot rocket"! :''[Ben is consumed by the explosion. Rook watches from a window.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben! :'''Maltruant''': He failed! I have dreamed for millennia of this moment-- an entire universe in my image! :''[The explosion suddenly shrinks.]'' :'''Maltruant''': ''[to the Contumelia]'' What is happening?! You are supposed to be observers. You are not supposed to involve yourselves in any event that transpires! :''[The explosion shrinks further, and rises back into the ship. It reappears inside the barrier.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What are you doing?! :'''Contumelia''': We are observing. :''[From inside the barrier, Feedback contains the explosion.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben? :''[Struggling, Feedback quickly morphs between Four Arms, Ripjaws, Heatblast, Wildmutt, Diamondhead, XLR8, Grey Matter, Stinkfly, Upgrade, Ghostfreak, Cannonbolt, Wildvine, Blitzwolfer, Perk Upchuck, Ditto, Eye Guy, Way Big, Swampfire, Echo Echo, Humungousaur, Big Chill, Chromastone, Brainstorm, Spidermonkey, Goop, Alien X, Lodestar, Rath, Nanomech, Waterhazard, Ampfibian, Armodrillo, Terraspin, NRG, Clockwork, Shocksquatch, Eatle, Juryrigg, Bloxx, Gravattack, Crashhopper, Ball Weevil, Walkatrout, Pesky Dust, Mole-Stache, The Worst, Kickin' Hawk, Toepick, Astrodactyl, Bullfrag, Atomix, Gutrot, and Whampire, before finally morphing back into Feedback. The barrier around him disappears, and he floats towards Maltruant.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You cannot do this! :'''Feedback''': You wanted your very own big bang! :''[Feedback fires the energy at Maltruant, causing him glow green.]'' :'''Maltruant''': NOOOOOO! :''[Maltruant begins folding in on himself, before exploding. As his parts scatter, Feedback reverts back to Ben. He tosses Maltruant's Annihilarrgh on the ground and smashes it with his foot.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': And that, as they say, is that. :''[Ben helps Rook stand up.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I thought you were-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Nah. I always figured the Omnitrix had a failsafe that wouldn't let me die, and sure enough, it kicked in right when the big bang started. Gave me just the alien I needed. :''[Skurd retracts Alien X's DNA from Ben's arm.]'' :'''Skurd''': Your recklessness never ceases to amaze. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Not reckless. Not reckless. It always seems to give me the right alien, even when I want something else. Guess I should stop fighting it. It seems to know me better than... me. :''[One of the Contumelia picks up the original Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Would you like to view the creation of your own universe? It seems this may be the most interesting one yet. :''[Ben and Rook look at each other. The Annihilarrgh is dropped out of the ship and explodes in a vibrant light. Ben and Rook watch from the ship's windows.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[witnessing the creation of the universe]'' This is the most amazingest thing anyone could ever see. :'''Rook Blonko''': "Amazingest" is not a word. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do you have a better word for it? :''[Rook thinks to himself.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': No. :''[The three hear a beep and turn around.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Huh? :''[Three sets of glass capsules are revealed, containing other Slime-Biots. Skurd gasps and pulls Ben over to the capsules.]'' :'''Skurd''': More of me! I thought I was alone in the universe. :'''Contumelia''': No. Your species is the most important in all of creation. For eons, these Slime-Biots will carry, gather, mix, and deposit DNA across the growing universe. :''[The Contumelia opens up one of the capsules.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Would you like to join your ancestors? It seems you have forgotten who you are, which is understandable after billions of years. :''[Skurd looks back at Ben.]'' :'''Skurd''': When I first met you, I saw you as nothing more than a free lunch. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you talking to me or the Omnitrix? :'''Skurd''': If I hadn't found antagonizing you so much fun, I would have never stuck with you. Thank you for everything, dear boy. :''[Skurd hops into the capsule.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thank you, Skurd. I owe you my life. :''[Ben closes the capsule.]'' :'''Skurd''': And I owe you mine. :'''Rook''': Goodbye, Skurd. :''[Skurd waves goodbye as the capsules once again become hidden. Outside the ship, countless Slime-Biots are released into space. Among them is Skurd, who loses his Omnitrix symbol on his forehead. Ben and Rook watch from the ship, when suddenly, Paradox appears from a portal.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Well done, Benjamin. I knew you wouldn't fail. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I knew it, too. :'''Rook Blonko''': You did? :''[Ben glares at Rook before bending over and picking up Maltruant's mainspring.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': See, Maltruant is stuck in a time loop. :''[Ben hands Maltruant's mainspring to Paradox.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': And he is doomed to failure, over and over. Every time he pulls himself together, he returns to the beginning of time and is defeated by Ben. I gather up the pieces of Maltruant and scatter them across the universe, and the loop begins again. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The only person who doesn't know about the time loop is Maltruant himself. ''[hands Maltruant's key to Paradox]'' Oh, and... you, I... guess. :'''Professor Paradox''': ''[to the Contumelia]'' Pardon us for the intrusion. We'll be on our way soon. ''[to Ben and Rook]'' Now, help me pick up the rest of Maltruant. We have a lot to do before I take you home. :''[In Bellwood, Ben and Rook hang out at a Mr. Smoothy.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': After what we just saw, sitting around sipping smoothies seems a bit-- :'''Rook Blonko''': Mundane. I agree. Nothing seems to be happening in Bellwood or Undertown lately. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're right! ''[stands up]'' This place will be fine and dandy without us. We just helped create the universe. Let's go check it out! :'''Rook Blonko''': That does sound less mundane. :''[Ben takes out his cell phone and dials up Gwen.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen. Okay, fine-- Gwendolyn. You and Kevin-- pack your bags. :''[Ben and Rook look up at the sky.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're going on a road trip! :''[The camera zooms out to Earth, then to space, and finally, the universe.]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Omniverse}} [[Category:Ben 10: Omniverse seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] iekkbc01w0akx3fux342tlbwr545ei1 3954356 3954154 2026-06-19T06:57:26Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* The End of an Era [8.09] */ 3954356 wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the eighth season ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]''. == ''From Hedorium to Eternity [8.01]'' == :'''Jonesy''': Pancakes! :'''Lucy Mann (11 years old)''': Would you quit it?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucy Mann (11 years old)''': But, Mr. Baumann was totally fine until he came back to the old Collins's house. :'''Ben Tennyson (11 years old)''': Yeah suddenly he was... nice. :'''Gwen Tennyson (11 years old): To Ben. :'''Grandpa Max''': (''gasp'') Something is definitely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson (11 years old)''': Looks like Way Big is way too big. :'''Way Big''': (''sarcastically'') Oh, that was so funny I forgot to laugh. === ''Stuck on You [8.02]'' === :'''Trumbipulor''': Khyber? W-what can I do for you? :'''Khyber''': Nothing. It's your parasite I'm after. :'''Skurd''': Greetings... and farewell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': Skurd's the name! The dollop with the wallop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heatblast''': Back off, Khyber! This is my lucky day, so get ready for an unlucky defeat! :'''Khyber''': Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to play with fire? :'''Heatblast''': Hey! No mothers, man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heatblast''': (''to Khyber'') What, no dog? No cat? Nothing to wear the Nemetrix for you? It's not like you're going to use it yourself. Or are you already plum loco? :'''Rook Blonko''': "Plum loco"? Crazy fruit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Driba''': (''while working on the teleporter'') I'm adjusting the quantum entanglement pathway. Still seems screwy to me. :'''Bluckic''': Par for the course. :'''Driba''': A golf analogy? From you, Blukic?! :'''Blukic''': Max says it. Hit it on the green for a- :'''Driba''': Touchdown! :'''Blukic''': No, a hole in one! :'''Driba''': A touchdown! :'''Blukic''': A hole in one! :'''Driba''': (''groans'') Stop harshing my quantum mechanics! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': Khyber, you are under arrest for this, as well as your past crimes! Do you understand? :'''Khyber''': My mind is perfectly sound, Revonnahgander. That said, I'm grateful you removed the quinoa when you did. :'''Rook Blonko''': You mean the Nemetrix? :'''Khyber''': Why, what did I say? === ''Let's Do the Time War Again [8.03]'' === :'''Rook Blonko''': You will pay for destroying my Proto-TRUK! :'''Exo-Skull''': Ah, put it on my tab, ya lousy red spot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': No need to thank me, Tennyson. :'''Feedback''': Thank you? :'''Skurd''': You are too kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eon''': It's an easy smash-and-grab. :'''Subdora''': If it's-a so easy, why don't you-a do it? :'''Eon''': Because he's the smash, and you're the grab. I'm playing to your strengths. :'''Exo-Skull''': What are your strengths, Eon? :'''Eon''': (''hand sparking'') You don't want to find out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eon''': ''[after Big Chuck grabs his weapon with his tongue]'' Give that back! :'''Big Chuck''': ''[eats the weapon]'' Gladly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben 10,000''': (''after using Crashocker to beat Exo-Skull'') Sorry, guy. That's just the way the bug bounces. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': The creature appears to move faster than light itself. :'''Gravattack''': Yeah, and high amounts of gravity can affect the speed of light. :'''Rook Blonko''': I'm stunned. You actually know a special property of Einstein's theory of relativity. :'''Gravattack''': Yeah, it was a bonus move in Sumo Slammers IV: The Wrath of Kenko. :'''Rook Blonko''': ...My faith in the order of the universe is restored. === ''Secret of Dos Santos [8.04]'' === :'''Kai Green''': Whoa! That's new. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. Time cycles.They, like, time travel and stuff. :'''Kai Green''': So, what are you doing here? :'''Ben Tennyson''': You called me, Kai. :'''Kai Green''': No, I was just thinking about you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No, you did. We had a nice conversation. You practically begged me to come help you. :'''Kai Green''': Why would I- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you did... or will. Did I mention these were time bikes? Time travel is weird. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kai Green''': I'm looking for alien artifacts in the temple... :'''Ben Tennyson''': Of the sky, but your grandpa's worried because legend is that anyone who disturbs the temple will suffer the wrath of its spirit guardians. We already had this conversation in the future. Remember? :'''Kai Green''': No, I don't. Are you coming with me or not? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Anything for the future Mrs. Tennyson. :'''Kai Green''': And forget that stuff that Spanner said about us being a couple someday. You owe me an orb. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, yeah... the orb of something-something. It's on my to-do list, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Rook, your breath is so bad, it's scaring the locals. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The mystery of this temple has got nothing on the mystery of Kai Green. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': You triggered a "bobo trap"! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's "booby trap"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why is she looking over here? :'''Rook Blonko''': I am a blue,fur-covered alien, so if I had to venture a guess- :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're right! Kai's making fun of me because she can speak Spanish and I can't! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exo-Skull''': (''Grabs Kai'') You've got guts, girly. Now, let's see what they look like! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kai Green''': Ugh, gotcha! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thanks, sweetie. :'''Kai Green''': ''[lets go of Ben]'' No problem. :''' Professor Paradox''': And everything is on track. Ujin, I apologize for the damage to your magnificent temple. Please continue to guard-- :'''Ujin''': The temporal mainspring! :'''Rook Blonko''': Professor, should we not be pursuing the thieves? :'''Professor Paradox''': In good time, Rook. The future unfolds as it must. :'''Ujin''': Wait, you stick me in this hope for eons guarding that piece of junk, and then when it gets jacked, all you got to say is "in good time"?! :'''Professor Paradox''': Did I mention it's fifth season on Galvan Prime? ''[opens a portal]'' A hot wind blows from the north and the females' faces become dry and crusty :'''Ujin''': Whoop! Time to go home, folks. :'''Professor Paradox''': Yes, till we meet again. :'''Kai Green''': ''[to Ben]'' You're okay to ride? :'''Skurd''': No please, why don't you two keep steaming up South America with your-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[hits Skurd on the Time Cycle side]'' I'm good Kai. :'''Kai Green''': ''[walking away]'' Alright, Mr. Tennyson. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Later, "Mrs. Tennyson." :'''Kai Green''': ''[frustrated]'' Ugh! That again?! Ben, there is no way we are married in the future. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I was teasing! :'''Kai Green''': I know, stop being so... ugh! ''[walks away]'' === ''Third Time's a Charm [8.05]'' === :''[The library basement: Kevin feeds Zed a dog biscuit. Gwen comes downstairs.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can't sit here moping forever, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': You're right. Let's go for a ride. ''[Remembers that his car is still missing]'' Oh, wait. I don't have my car. ---- :''[Charmcaster's bag: Gwen lands on Addwaitya's back.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Gets off Addwaitya's back]'' Huh? :''[Addwaitya stands up with his back turned to Gwen. He turns around.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't move, Addwaitya! I'm a lot more powerful now than the last time we fought. ''[Tries to uses her powers on Addwaitya, but her powers disappear]'' :'''Darkstar''': Your posturing while adorable is quite pointless, Lovely Gwen. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Tries to use her powers]'' Eradiko! Portallus Projectum! Berdi Mordo&ndash; Nata! ''[Nothing happens]'' What did you do to my powers? :'''Hex''': This is not any of our doing, Gwendolyn. :'''Darkstar''': Speak for yourself, "Uncle Hex". Charmcaster is your niece. :'''Addwaitya''': Dare not speak that wretched name in my presence. :'''Darkstar''': Or what? You'll yell even louder? :'''Addwaitya''': I shall yell as loudly as I wish, whenever I wish! :'''Hex''': It is good to see you again, Gwendolyn. I'm only sorry that it's because you are now trapped here forever too. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': There's got to be a way out. :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' There isn't. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Did you try&ndash;? :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' Yes. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well, how about&ndash;? :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' Yes. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look, we each know a lot about magic. If we put our heads together&ndash; :'''Hex''': ''[About Addwaitya]'' His head is on fire. :'''Darkstar''': ''[To Hex]'' Yours is a skull. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' Come on! Work with me, people! :'''Addwaitya''': I refuse to divulge even one shred of my knowledge of magic to such unworthy recipients as you. :'''Darkstar''': Good. Maybe we'll be spared the sound of your voice for a change. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Turns away and sighs in exasperation]'' I'd pity anyone who got stuck with one of you as a college roommate. ---- :'''Charmcaster''': (''toying with the Gwendolyn totem'') Hi, I'm Gwen. I used to think I was so much better than Charmcaster. But look, now I fit in her purse! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Big mistake, Charmcaster. Way Big! (''activates Omnitrix, becomes Shocksquatch'') :'''Shocksquatch''': Or Shocksquatch. :'''Skurd''': Why do you even bother to call them out before you transform? :'''Shocksquatch''': I don't know. I'm been asking myself that same question, eh? ---- :'''Rook Blonko''': Why does Zed keep behaving like this? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe the totems have some weird effect on her. She is an alien. :'''Rook Blonko''': I am an alien. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but you're always weird. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to make Charmcaster reach inside her magic bag. :'''Kickin' Hawk''': How? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't know. Think of something! :'''Skurd''': We're doomed. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look, we each know a lot about magic. If we put our heads together... :'''Hex''': (''looks at Adwaita'') His head is on fire. :'''Darkstar''': (''to Hex'') Yours is a skull. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Y'know, I used to wonder if Charmcaster and I could've been friends under different circumstances. And now, I know that's true. === ''The Final Countdown [8.06]'' === :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben is right. Graveyard duty inhales wind! Even the emergencies are boring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': This will probably turn out to be a misaligned power coupling. But protocol requires- :'''Blukic''': Driba did it! :'''Driba''': What?! No, I did not! :'''Blukic''': Did too! :'''Rook Blonko''': (''clears his throat'') Blame is not the issue here. :'''Driba''': He started it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magister Patelliday''': Now then, do you understand the charges against you? :'''Yetta''': Ooh, you know me and charges! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kundo''': This is the end for you. At least this planet will be purged clean. Let the final purge begi- (''Fistina hits him on the head'') Ugh! :'''Fistina''': Be quiet now, mister crazy-cat! === ''Malgax Attacks [8.07]'' === :''[In Plumber Headquarters, Ben is playing a video game where he is controlling a flying plumber headquarters and shooting lasers at fleets of ships.]'' :'''Ben''': ''[deep voice]'' Prepare to die in the hands of the detriment Earth scum! Sorry, dude. You four-armed freaks picked the wrong sandbox to play. :'''Skurd''': ''[sighs]'' What kind of species make light of their own destruction? :'''Ben''': Who cares? The game is awesome. They've stopped distracting me. I'm about to collect a kill-level bonus. :''[Skurd belches, which distracts Ben, and Ben gets eliminated in the game.]'' :'''Ben''': That's what you did! That's it! I'm getting rid of you for good! :'''Skurd''': I'm the fixed DNA is the nectar of the gods! I am not going anywhere. Hey! Look here, you! :'''Ben''': Blukic, Driba! I don't want this over-sized booger off me! :'''Skurd''': Ooh, this is fun. :'''Ben''': Fine, I'll get Azmuth to do it. :'''Blukic''': You're going to Galvan Prime? :'''Driba''': Then we're coming too! There's someone we need to visit. :'''Vilgax''': This time we will emerge victorious. :'''Young Albedo''': And when we do, the annoying union between Azmuth and Tennyson will be dissolved, permanently. :'''Skurd''': Where's Rook? I like him better. :'''Grandpa Max''': Visiting his sister at the Plumbers' Academy. :'''Skurd''': Hmm, I never got to say goodbye. :'''Azmuth''': All right, Ben. What trouble have you brought me this time? :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben has a pest-control problem. :'''Skurd''': I resent that. :'''Azmuth''': A Slime-Biot? I've never observed one, they're thought to be extinct. :'''Luhley''': Hello, Ben, Magister Tennyson. :'''Blukic''': ''[flirting]'' Hiya, Luhley. You look mighty lovely today. :'''Driba''': ''[flirting]'' Yeah, Luhley. You skin flares gently in the gentle afternoon sun! :'''Luhley''': Hi, Blukic, Driba. :'''Ben''': So, what's the verdict? :'''Azmuth''': I can use ironic particle surgery to break the genetic adaptation bond between the two of you. :'''Ben''': That sounds kind of "ow"! :'''Skurd''': You think? :'''Azmuth''': Well, it's practically painless. :'''Skurd''': Practically?! :'''Ben''': Great, then what are we waiting for? :'''Skurd''': Don't do this, Ben, I beg you. You need me! :'''Ben''': In what galaxy? :'''Azmuth''': Yes, Ben. Are you sure you want to do this? :'''Ben''': Why wouldn't I? :'''Azmuth''': Mmm, good relationships can be hard work, but it's often worth it. :'''Ben''': This one isn't. :'''Driba''': This place always makes me nervous. :'''Blukic''': Predators don't scare me, Luhley, I'll protect you. :''[blushes with Driba]'' :'''Luhley''': Blukic, you're blushing, you too, Driba. :'''Driba''': It's, umm... overly warm in here. :'''Blukic''': We're not, uh... acclimated to Galvan temperatures anymore. :'''Luhley''': Really? It looked like one of you wanted to ask me out. :'''Blukic''': What?! No. :'''Driba''': Maybe him, but not me. :'''Luhley''': But if you did, who would I choose? :'''Driba''': Well, I, for one would promise to respect your decision. :'''Blukic''': W-Whatever it might be. :'''Luhley''': Get out of here! :'''Blukic''': Yes, ma'am. :'''Driba''': We're not worthy! :'''Luhley''': No, I mean we need to get out of here and warn the others that Malware is missing! :''[Blukic and Driba gulps]'' :'''Azmuth''': Well, you got what you wanted, Ben, I hope you're satisfied. :'''Grandpa Max''': Skurd, how do you feel? :'''Skurd''': Never better. Hey! :'''Azmuth''': ''[places Skurd in containment jar]'' This containment unit comes with a morphogenetic dampening field that will inhibit your unique abilities. :'''Skurd''': Uh-oh. :'''Azmuth''': Now, my eukaryotic enigma, we can examine you more closely. :'''Skurd''': Um... help? :'''Luhley''': Azmuth, Malware's gone! :'''Ben''': That's bad. :'''Driba''': ''[carrying Galvanic flower]'' Here, my splendiferous gem, these are for you. :'''Luhley''': Pyâra blooms? My favorite. Thanks, Driba. You're so sweet. :'''Blukic''': Oh, ho, ho, it's on now. :'''Grandpa Max''': Listen everyone, if Malware has returned to life, we don't have much time. All of Galvan Prime could be in danger! :'''Ben''': Yeah, but what's he planning? :'''Young Albedo''': Are the drones in position? :'''Vilgax''': Yes. Let the attack begin! :'''Ben''': It looks like they're attack drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': Azmuth, what about the defense grid? :'''Azmuth''': I've strengthened the barrier since Malware's last attack, we're safe. :'''Ben''': Is that supposed to happen? :'''Azmuth''': No, it's not. Malware couldn't possible know about teleportation frequency manipulation. :'''Grandpa Max''': Maybe someone's helping him. :'''Ben''': Time to get busy! :'''Ghostfreak''': Let the games begin! :'''Ben''': Great, my evil twin and squidface. :'''Grandpa Max''': Now we know who's behind these attacks. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': Behold, my people. A hyper-evolved Galvan. I am your new master! :'''Azmuth''': Hardly. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': The reign of the first thinker is over, Azmuth. From now on, I am the ultimate thinker! :'''Grandpa Max''': Albedo wants to replace Azmuth. :'''Ben''': So what's Vilgax doing here? :'''Vilgax''': I have come to claim what is rightfully mine, Ben Tennyson. Now, give me the Omnitrix! The Omnitrix, I must have it! :'''Ben''': Vilgax stole Malware from the hall of predators. :'''Azmuth''': And fashioned it into a morphable suit of armour, with Albedo's help, no doubt. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': You think you're the smartest being in four galaxies? :'''Azmuth''': Five, actually. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': You're nothing! You hide in that lab of yours all day, pondering the Cosmos, hoarding it's secrets. That ends now. I'm going to tear your lab apart, and once I know the mysteries of the cosmos, I will reign supreme! Behold, I am your superior! :'''Azmuth''': Two enemies on two fronts, three, counting those drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': We'll need to occupy all three forces simultaneously. :'''Azmuth''': Exactly, I'll lead the attack against Albedo, you take the rest of our forces and destroy these drones. :'''Ben''': What about me? :'''Azmuth''': I thought that was obvious. Use the Omnitrix to kick Vilgax's butt! :'''Ben''': Now we're talking! :'''Diamondhead''': Hey, squidface! Let's rumble! By the way, nice outfit. I didn't know Malware was in season. :'''Vilgax''': So is your destruction! :'''Diamondhead''': Seriously?! :'''Vilgax''': I warned you to hand over the Omnitrix, now I'm going to beat you senseless and take it from you! :'''Ben''': You've been trying to get this for years, Vilgax. Each time, epic fail. :'''Vilgax''': This time will be different. :'''Atomix''': Let's test that theory, shall we? :'''Azmuth''': Albedo's breaching our defenses. :'''Grandpa Max''': Vilgax and Albedo didn't just beam in here from nowhere. :'''Azmuth''': They must have a ship in orbit controlling these drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': If I could get to it, and knock them out at the source-- :'''Azmuth''': Then we Galvans can concentrate on stopping Albedo. :'''Grandpa Max''': And I can help Ben defeat Vilgax. :'''Azmuth''': Your tactical prowess is impressive, Max. There might be a little Galvan in your blood. :'''Grandpa Max''': It's all Tennyson, do you have a teleporter? :'''Albedo''': Azmuth's inner sanctum, soon, I'll be ruler of this world! :'''Blukic''': Irresistible, the smile which she shares, that purpose created in me by your tenderness. I am he, and she is you. :'''Luhley''': Yeah that was beautiful. Now push that endochronometric isolator over here. ''[pushing the isolator with Blukic and Driba]'' I got a wordsmith and a florist, how lucky am I? :'''Albedo''': At last, Azmuth's secrets are mine! :'''Atomix''': Oh man, that was my best shot, and Vilgax is still standing. :'''Albedo''': Get out of my way! :'''Luhley''': There's no way we will let Galvan Prime's greatest secrets fall into the hands of a traitor! Right, boys? :'''Blukic''': Yup, for sure. :'''Driba''': What she said. :'''Skurd''': I'd love to help, but then I'm a prisoner, aren't I? :'''Albedo''': If I were you-- :''[Albedo activates the Ultimatrix and transforms into Negative Rath, then evolves into Negative Ultimate Rath.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': I'd rethink the situation! :''[On Galvan B]'' :'''Vilgax''': You can't win. Turn over the Omnitrix, and maybe I'll let you live. :'''Atomix''': Give up now, and... I'll just go home. I'm really tired. :''[Vilgax picks up Atomix, and then kicks him high into the sky.]'' :'''Atomix''': Not again! :''[Atomix then goes flying into the control room of the Chimeran Hammer, and Atomix reverts into Ben. Ben then sees Max typing on a panel.]'' :'''Ben''': Grandpa? What are you doing here? :'''Grandpa Max''': Trying to shut down those drones, but I need more time. :'''Ben''': I don't think I can stop Vilgax. :'''Grandpa Max''': We'll find a way Ben, somehow. :'''Vilgax''': ''[offscreen]'' He can't help you. ''[enters Chimeran Hammer]'' Nothing can. Go ahead, change into any alien you wish, it won't do any good. I am unstoppable! :''[Vilgax laughs evilly, pushes Max away and grabs Ben's wrist.]'' :'''Vilgax''': At last, the Omnitrix is mine! :''[Then, Blukic, Driba and Luhley are hiding from Ultimate Rath, who is trying to find them. The three Galvans gaze at a gun far away from them, Luhley then runs to grab the gun, but Ultimate Rath blocks it with his foot before Luhley can get it.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': Don't you know that little people shouldn't play with guns? :'''Luhley''': Who are you calling little? :'''Azmuth''': ''[offscreen]'' Leave her alone. :'''Ultimate Rath''': You're just in time, Azmuth. :'''Azmuth''': For what? To watch you bully my companions? :''[Ultimate Rath picks up two big wires and plugs them onto a machine gun, then picks up the machine gun.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': No, to die. :''[Ultimate Rath then blasts the machine gun on Azmuth and unfortunately, it seems to have vaporized the latter.]'' :'''Luhley''': Noo!! :'''Ultimate Rath''': I love the smell of vaporized Azmuth in the morning. :'''Luhley''': You're a monster! :'''Ultimate Rath''': And you'll obey your new master, Luhley, or meet the same fate. :''[Luhley then unleashes her jetpack and grabs the gun, then blasts it on Ultimate Rath.]'' :'''Luhley''': Blukic, Driba, run! :''[Luhley flies out, then Ultimate Rath exits too.]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[about Azmuth]'' I can't believe he's gone. :'''Driba''': ''[hazard detector beeps]'' Blukic, my hazard detector is picking up trace amounts of electromagnetic radiation. :'''Blukic''': Teleportation signatures give off electromagnetic radiation. :'''Driba''': You don't think that Azmuth was smart enough to teleport himself at the exact moment he was vaporized, do you? :'''Blukic''': He was, we're not. :'''Driba''': Then he can still be alive. :'''Blukic''': For about four minutes, after that, his atoms would degrade. :'''Driba''': We have to reconstitute him. How long has it been? :'''Blukic''': Three minutes, give or take a minute. :'''Vilgax''': I've waited a lifetime for this. :''[Ben then kicks Vilgax's face, allowing the former to be released from his hand. Ben then transforms into Whampire.]'' :'''Whampire''': Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer, octo-head. :'''[Whampire hits Vilgax]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Attaboy, Ben. :''[Luhley is firing lasers on Ultimate Rath on the ceiling, while he is chasing her.]'' :'''Luhley''': Whatever you two are doing, do it now! :'''Blukic''': How come Azmuth didn't program a return destination for himself? :'''Driba''': He didn't have time, which is why he's counting on us to rescue him. Now activate the teleport beacon. :''[Blukic and Driba activate a teleport beacon machine, and then, it manages to teleport Azmuth in the scene again.]'' :'''Blukic and Driba''': We did it!/I did it! :'''Azmuth''': Took you long enough. :'''Luhley''': ''[flies back in]'' You two are amazing! :'''Ultimate Rath''': ''[sees Azmuth]'' Huh? No! I destroyed you! :''[Ultimate Rath jumps back in]'' :'''Azmuth''': Yes, well I was smart enough to prepare for that contingency, and this one too. :''[Azmuth unleashes a device, and fires a green beam at Ultimate Rath's Ultimatrix symbol, making the latter revert into Albedo.]'' :'''Azmuth''': I've disabled your Ultimatrix. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': Aw, you mean I'm stuck in this hideous form? Forever?! :''[Albedo presses the Ultimatrix, but doesn't activate since it's disabled.]'' :'''Azmuth''': Albedo, do you know why they started calling me "the First Thinker"? It wasn't because I achieved a perfect score on my GATs as a tadpole. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': I knew that was apocryphal! :'''Azmuth''': Oh, I did. But I'm the First Thinker because I always plan for every contingency. After I designed the Omnitrix, the most powerful technology in five galaxies, my first thought was "Gee, I should probably invent a failsafe, in case some interstellar headcase ever gets a hold of one of these things." So I did. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': ''[yells]'' NOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Hang on, Ben. :''[Vilgax hits Whampire onto the wall, then the latter punches Vilgax. Vilgax then retaliates by grabbing Whampire's hand and swings him onto the ground, then throws him.]'' :'''Whampire''': It's no use, I need Skurd. I never should have let him go. :'''Grandpa Max''': I'll open a commlink to the surface. :''[Whampire gets surprised by Vilgax approaching him with an energy sword.]'' :''[In Azmuth's lab, while two Galvan security officers place Albedo under arrest and escort him out the room, Max sends a commlink, making a hologram of Whampire's face appear in the commlink interface.]'' :'''Whampire''': ''[hologram]'' Skurd, you've got to help me. :'''Skurd''': Say what? :'''Whampire''': You were right about us, we make a great team. So if you're still listening, help me, Skurd the Slime-Biot. You're my only hope. :''[Whampire dodges Vilgax's attack.]'' :'''Skurd''': You heard him, get me out of here! :''[Azmuth then frees Skurd from the pod and grabs him.]'' :'''Azmuth''': I'll teleport you to Vilgax's ship. :'''Skurd''': No, don't! I'm a one-celled organism, remember? Split me apart, and the reconstitution process will destroy me! Also, teleporting makes me space-sick. :'''Luhley''': I'll fly him there! :'''Driba''': How will you get past the drones, my celestial bonnet? :'''Luhley''': Very carefully. :''[Luhley flies her spaceship out of Galvan Prime, with Skurd onboard. She then dodges lasers shot by the Mechadroids.]'' :'''Skurd''': ''[grunts]'' I left captivity for this? :''[Luhley then is flying her ship to the Chimeran Hammer, trouble is, she has some more Mechadroids shooting lasers on the ship, Luhley then evacuates her destroyed ship and uses her jetpacks to fly with Skurd instead.]'' :'''Skurd''': You're fantastic, my dear. :''[In the Chimeran Hammer, Whampire dodges some sword attacks from Vilgax.]'' :'''Whampire''': Skurd, where are you, buddy? :'''Vilgax''': Your friend won't get here in time. :''[Luhley is then flying through the hallways of the Chimeran Hammer, with three Mechadroids following and lasers at her from behind.]'' :'''Skurd''': Incoming! :''[Skurd jumps on Vilgax's head, surrounding his body around Vilgax's head, making the latter drop his energy sword and making it obliterate. The three Mechadroids go away.]'' :'''Whampire''': Skurd, boy am I glad to see you. :''[Vilgax then tries to pull Skurd off of his head, two Mechadroids shoot lasers at Luhley and Max, while Max manages to shut off the Mechadroids on a computer panel.]'' :''[The Mechadroids on Galvan Prime also get shut down, and the Galvans cheer.]'' :'''Luhley''': Thanks, Magister Tennyson. :'''Grandpa Max''': My pleasure, now that those drones are out of commission-- ''[shoots blaster on Vilgax]'' It's payback time. :'''Vilgax''': Stop! Tennyson! :''[holding Skurd in his hand]'' :''[Skurd manages to escape from Vilgax's hand, and the former goes up to Whampire. Whampire picks up Skurd.]'' :'''Whampire''': I'm sorry, Skurd. You were right all along. :'''Skurd''': Uh, what was that? I-I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you. :'''Whampire''': I said I was wrong, I do need you. :'''Skurd''': I know. :''[Whampire places Skurd on his Omnitrix symbol.]'' :'''Skurd''': DNA! Mm-mmm! Yummy! :'''Whampire''': Thanks for the breather, Grandpa. :'''Grandpa Max''': Anytime, Ben. :''[Vilgax elastically grabs Max and he disintegrates his Plumber armor.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Okay, people. Let's shut down this nut bag. :'''Luhley''': Heads up! :''[Whampire uses his enhanced strength to force Max off of Vilgax's hand, then throws Vilgax. Skurd then gives Whampire Armodrillo arms.]'' :'''Whampire''': This is more like it. :''[Whampire drills Vilgax, making the latter spin around, then Vilgax gets fired onto the wall, Skurd then creates Bloxx lobbers for Whampire. Whampire starts shooting brick beams on Vilgax, the latter fires a red energy beam for the former to dodge the attack. Skurd then gives Whampire Feedback arms and uses them to absorb an energy beam shot by Vilgax.]'' :'''Skurd''': That's right. We're back. :''[Whampire punches Vilgax.]'' :'''Skurd''': Hmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Whampire''': Yes. :'''Skurd''': Goody. So we both agree to knock Vilgax into the warp core. :'''Whampire''': I was thinking we could use a smoothie break, but yeah, let's go with your idea instead! :''[Whampire then uses the Feedback arms to absorb the energy from the Malware Armor.]'' :'''Vilgax''': No! :''[Whampire then rams Vilgax onto the warp core.]'' :'''Vilgax''': NOOOO! :''[Whampire then destroys Vilgax's energy swords, but more importantly, the warp core is about to obliterate.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': The warp core is going to melt down. We have to get out of here. :''[Skurd discards the Feedback arms, then Whampire flies away from Vilgax.]'' :'''Whampire''': What's happening to Vilgax? :'''Luhley''': Photon radiation from the warp core breach is causing the Galvanic Mechamorph-based armour to transmute and calcify. :'''Skurd''': That suit of his just became a death trap. ''[to Vilgax]'' That's what you get for threatening innocent planets, you dirtbag! :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben, we need to leave, now! :'''Ben''': Don't worry folks-- ''[activates the Omnitrix]'' I got this. :''[Ben transforms into Gravattack.]'' :'''Gravattack''': Okay, everyone, hang on. :''[picks up Max and Luhley; about to fly out]'' :'''Luhley''': Wait, Ben! Magister Tennyson doesn't have a spacesuit. :'''Skurd''': Relax. I've got us covered. :''[Skurd makes a case out of Diamondhead's DNA, then Luhley opens the door and Gravattack places Max in the crystal case. Gravattack then exits the Chimeran Hammer, and suddenly, the ship presumably explodes. On Galvan Prime.]'' :'''Ben''': ''[to Skurd]'' We're stronger together, buddy, that's for sure. :'''Skurd''': I tried to tell you, but would you listen to me? No, which is why we need someone more flexible calling the shots, like me. :'''Ben''': Okay, look, I can still change my mind. :'''Skurd''': You have extraordinary instincts. :'''Azmuth''': Driba, Blukic, I want to thank you both for being smart enough to recognize the clue left behind by my brilliant contingency plan. :'''Driba''': You're welcome. :'''Blukic''': How are you feeling now, boss? :'''Azmuth''': Like brand new. The reconstitution process fixed my sciatica. :'''Grandpa Max''': What happened to Albedo? :'''Azmuth''': Oh, he's keeping the city clean for the next thirty Galvan solar cycles. :'''Albedo''': Can I get some sunblock out here? :'''Luhley''': So, is one of you going to ask me out, or should I just choose? ''[Blukic and Driba stare at her, unsure]'' Okay. I choose... Driba. :'''Driba''': Thank you, my sumptuous grail! :''[Driba kisses Luhley's hand]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[sniffs]'' I'll never love again. :'''Luhley''': ''[waves over a Galvan nurse]'' Blukic, this is my cousin, Duffy. :'''Duffy''': You're cute. :'''Blukic''': I'm in love again! :'''Skurd''': Aren't happy endings great? :'''Ben''': Actually, they kind of are. :''[Meanwhile, in space, we see a petrified Vilgax floating through space. Suddenly, Malware starts leaking out of the petrified armor.]'' === ''The Most Dangerous Game Show [8.08]'' === :'''Ben Tennyson''': I feel sorry for the loser who gets stuck being the next contestant on this show. :'''Charles Zenith''': And our next contestant is... (''suddenly warps his game show into the Plumber base'') Ben Tennyson! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I probabilty should've seen that coming. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles Zenith''': Kai Green is going to marry Ben Tennyson! :'''Kai Green''': Please! I've heard that one before! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': (''about Charles Zenith'') What did you do to him? :'''Pesky Dust''': Let's just say I know the cure for entertainment. === ''The End of an Era [8.09]'' === :''[In the future, at Ben_10,000 Tower, an alarm blares.]'' :'''Security Voice''': Intruder alert on Level 42. :''[Inside the building, Dr. Animo places a Technobug on a computer terminal.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Do that cyber voodoo that you do so well! :'''Humungoopsaur''': Get away from that door, Animo! :''[Dr. Animo turns around and sees Humungoopsaur, a fusion between Goop and Humungousaur. Beside him is Kai, who now wields Excalibur.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': That's Dr. Animo! :''[Dr. Animo leaps onto the ceiling and rips off a panel, exposing green wiring. He chucks the panel at Humungoopsaur, who morphs his physiology to dodge it. Kai, meanwhile, leaps out of the way. They run towards Dr. Animo, who lands back on the floor. Behind him, the door opens, and he shoots containers out of his left arm. The containers smash on the ground, revealing mutated tadpoles.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': My pets should keep you two busy. :''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]'' :''[Dr. Animo allows the door to close, locking Humungoopsaur and Kai out. The tadpoles quickly grow into giant multi-eyed frogs.]'' :'''Kai Green''': What are those things? Your archenemies are seriously disgusting. :'''Humungoopsaur''': Hey, it's not like I pick them! :''[Inside the room, Dr. Animo clumsily types on a keypad with his massive primate fingers. Having defeated the Mutant Frogs, Humugoopsaur is heard grunting as dents are made in the door.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Ugh! Here. Let me. :''[Kai uses Excalibur to cut a circle in the door. Humungoopsaur peeks through the new hole.]'' :'''Humungoopsaur''': Two more punches and I would have had it open. :''[Humungoopsaur pushes the doors to each end, crumpling them.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Well, now you can punch him instead. :''[A tube in the center of the room opens up, and Dr. Animo hops onto the platform.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': You're too late, Tennysons! Thanks to your Chronoporter, I shall travel back in time to retrieve the A.R.C., supplying myself with enough DNA to create an army of mutant creatures! :''[Humungoopsaur rushes towards Dr. Animo, and Kai throws Excalibur at him. The tube then encases him, protecting him from their assaults.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Say goodbye to your past and hello to oblivion! :''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]'' :''[The Chronoporter transports Dr. Animo into the past, and Humungoopsaur reverts back to Ben 10,000. He leaps down, Excalibur in hand. Suddenly, the Chronoporter activates again. He hands Excalibur back to Kai and they prepare to attack. After a flash of light, they see Spanner, standing atop a defeated Dr. Animo.]'' :'''Spanner''': Did you guys lose somebody? :''[The Chronoporter's tube raises up.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Spanner? What are you - where - :''[Kai sheathes Excalibur.]'' :'''Kai Green''': We haven't seen you in decades! :''[Spanner cuffs Dr. Animo.]'' :'''Spanner''': Yeah... I've been really busy. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[scratching head]'' Okay. Uh, well, thanks for the assist. :'''Kai Green''': We're about to leave for Plumber Headquarters. We'll drop Animo off on the way. :'''Spanner''': Oh, yeah. Grandpa Max is retiring today. :'''Kai Green''': You know about that? :'''Spanner''': Uh, y-yeah. It's all over the Extranet. :'''Ben 10,000''': And we're gonna be late if our son can't get his act together. :''[Ben 10,000 walks back into the hallway, with Kai behind him.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ken! Hurry up, buddy! ''[to Kai]'' What is with that kid? :'''Kai Green''': Don't look at me. That's all your side of the family. :''[Behind them, Spanner warps away.]'' :'''Ken''': I'm coming! I'm coming! :''[Ken climbs over the Mutant Frogs. He runs up to his parents.]'' :'''Ken''': I was looking for this. :''[Ken holds the Omnitrix in his palm.]'' :'''Kai Green''': The Omnitrix? :''[Kai takes the Omnitrix from Ken.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Unh-unh. You're still grounded, kiddo. :'''Ken''': It's an official function, so one of us should wear it, for old times' sake. :'''Kai Green''': For old times' sake? Wow. That is a real stretch, even for you. :''[Kai rustles Ken's hair.]'' :'''Ken''': Aw, come on! What if there's an alien attack or something? :'''Ben 10,000''': If there's an alien attack-- ''[looks behind himself]'' Hey, where'd Spanner go? :'''Kai Green''': The man said he was busy. Now, grab the mad doctor and let's get going. :''[Kai walks towards the Chronoporter, with Ken close behind.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Yes, dear. :''[Ken and Ben 10,000 join Kai and Dr. Animo on the Chronoporter.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ben to Plumber Base, four to teleport. :'''Dr. Animo''': I'm not mad. :''[The four are teleported away. At Plumber Headquarters, many guests talk amongst themselves, as the Plumbers operate the base. The four warp into the base, and are met by Blukic.]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[reading tablet]'' You are now arriving at Plumber Base. Barf bags are on your right. Any lingering dizziness is perfectly normal. :''[The family starts walking through the headquarters.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Wow. There is some serious political power in this room. :'''Ken''': Tell me about it. ''[points]'' Isn't that the guy from the HappySnax commercial? :''[An aged Rook meets up with the family.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': Ben, you've made it-- And on time. :'''Ben 10,000''': You don't have to sound so surprised. You ready to fill Grandpa Max's shoes? :'''Future Rook Blonko''': I do not believe an exchange of footwear will be required. :'''Ben 10,000''': No, Rook. That's a figure of-- ''[Future Rook smirks at him]'' ''[Rook smiles at Ben 10,000.]'' Oh, you got me again! :'''Future Rook Blonko''': That comedic ruse never gets old. But it will be a challenge to perform the duties of Magistratus as well as your grandfather has. :''[An elderly Max puts his robotic right hand on Rook's shoulder.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Nonsense, Rook. You're gonna do just fine. Truth is you've been top man around here for years. :'''Future Rook Blonko''': That is kind of you to sat, Magis-- :'''Grandpa Max''': Ah. Call me "Max." Might as well get used to it. :'''Ben 10,000''': I know the invitation said no gifts, but I just couldn't show up emptyhanded. ''[motions to Dr. Animo)]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': You're finally retiring, Maxwell? This place won't be the same without you. :'''Grandpa Max''': We've kept your room just like you left it. :''[Some Plumbers escort Dr. Animo to his cell. Kevin, wearing his Amalgam Kid suit, stands before the group. Gwendolyn appears alongside him.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Tennyson. :'''Ben 10,000''': Levin. :''[The two walk up to each other and do a handshake.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ha, so you're taking over Rook's old job, huh? :'''Future Kevin''': Hey, somebody's got to keep the Rooters in line. :'''Kai Green''': And Gwen, I hear you finally completed your second doctorate. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': I know. I know. Seriously, I would have finished a year ago if I hadn't been named High Magus. :''[The guests then starts to cheer and clap as they form a crowd around the elevator.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': You guys are just in time. The president of Earth is arriving. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[scoffs]'' This I got to see. :''[J. Jonah Jones, an aged Jimmy Jones, stands in front of a camera.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': J. Jonah Jones here, bringing you exclusive Jones Network coverage of the president's speech. :''[An older Will Harangue, holding the camera, stops the recording.]'' :'''Will Harangue''': Uh, can we do that again, Mr. Jones? I, uh, forgot to put in a SIM card. :''[J. Jonah Jones facepalms.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': Harangue! Remind me why I don't fire you. :''[J. Jonah Jones then hears the elevator clanking, and turns around. It opens, to reveal a series of Techadon Robots. They step out and move aside for Argit.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Greetings, fellow Earth-dwellers! :''[The crowd cheeers.]'' :''[Elsewhere in the Plumber Headquarters, Subdora sits in a vent. She speaks to her cohorts via a commlink.]'' :'''Subdora''': Okay. I'm inside. :''[Subdora jumps down from the ceiling. She turns invisible and sneaks around some Plumbers. She soon finds herself at the entrance of the base's vault.]'' :'''Subdora''': I'm outside the vault. :''[Maltruant and Exo-Skull sit atop Plumber Headquarters in space.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Well done, Subdora. You will wait for precisely 37.362 seconds and then proceed. :'''Exo-Skull''': Hey, I know you're the evil mastermind and all, but, uh, this place is Plumber central. What are we waiting around for? :'''Maltruant''': A random event, a twist of fate, an occurrence no one could possibly foresee-- unless, of course, you're a time traveler who's been there before. :''[Nearby, the sun flares with energy. Inside the headquarters, Ben 10,000 speaks with Argit.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Greetings, Mr. President. :'''Future Argit''': "Greetings"? Come on, you guys. Granted, I am the most powerful man on the planet, but I'm still the same old Argit. :'''Future Kevin''': That's what we're afraid of. :'''Ken''': Hey, hey, hey! Uncle Argit! :'''Future Argit''': Kenny! Look at you-- practically a juvenile delinquent! :''[Ken hugs Argit.]'' :'''Argit''': ''[whispering]'' Hey, uh, where's the, um, uh-- ''[points to his wrist)]'' :'''Ken''': Ah, my parents won't let me wear it. :'''Future Argit''': I'll take care of it. I mean, hello! President of Earth! :''[Ben 10,000 and Kai look at each other, when suddenly, an alarm goes off. The crowd gasps, and Rook checks a computer on the upper floor.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': It appears a massive solar flare has released a stream of high-energy particles. :''[The crowd murmurs amongst themselves.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': There is no cause for alarm. This station is fully shielded from ionizing radiation. At the very worst, we might experience-- :''[The lights shut off, and the alarm stops. Guests start screaming, as they lose their gravity and begin ascending. A Techadon Robot grabs Argit and pulls him down.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Hey, watch the jacket! :'''Future Rook Blonko''': A complete shutdown of all electronic systems. ''[Yelling]'' Everyone, please-- Do not panic! :''[The crowd ignores his advice and continues to worry.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Hey, settle down or I'll start knocking heads together! :'''Future Gwendolyn''': Kevin! :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[sarcastically]'' Your people skills have improved. :''[J. Jonah Jones speaks to the camera.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': In the absence of light or gravity, the wealthy and powerful of Earth float like, uh-- :'''Will Harangue''': Very important balloons? :'''J. Jonah Jones''': ''[covers microphone; clears throat]'' You know you can be replaced by a tripod and a remote control. :'''Grandpa Max''': Everyone, please. You are in no danger. The flare just knocked out the lights and the artificial gravity. We'll have everything back on in a moment. :''[The crowd relaxes.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': You did not mention that life support is also shut down. :''[The gang reconvenes with Rook and Max.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': I'm thinking we should probably keep the "running out of oxygen" part to ourselves. :''[At the vault entrance, Subdora checks her watch.]'' :'''Subdora''': 37 seconds. He may be crazy and evil, but the boss has a great sense of a-timing. :''[Subdora uses a lighter to open the vault's door. She floats upwards, and opens multiple holding lockers. Eventually, she finds what she is looking for.]'' :'''Subdora:''' There you are. Come a to mama, little Annihilarrgh! :''[Max explains his plan to the team.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': I'll go down to the power core and reset the breakers. That should bring gravity and life support back online. :'''Ben 10,000''': I'll go with you. :'''Grandpa Max''': No, Ben. I need all of you to keep everyone calm and start moving them down to the hangar deck. Be ready to launch the emergency pods just in case. :''[Max goes down the elevator shaft. Subdora contacts Maltruant.]'' :'''Subdora''': Hey, I got the Annihilarrgh, but this Star Core-- she's a fake! :''[Subdora retrieves the fake Star Core from her satchel.]'' :'''Maltruant''': A fake?! Impossible! I know I sensed the Star Core on this station. One moment. :''[Maltruant dowses through the base, looking down hallways, in command and outside the station. In the hangar deck, the group escorts the guests.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': This way! This way, please! :''[Gwendolyn suddenly senses Maltruant's dowsing. She gasps and Ben and Kai rush to her aid.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': It's Maltruant. He's at the top of the station, looking for something. :'''Kai Green''': Like what? :'''Future Gwendolyn''': I don't know. I just felt his mind searching. :'''Ben 10,000''': Whatever he's looking for, he's gonna find a serious beatdown. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': You guys head for the upper airlock. I'll tell Kevin where we're going and meet you there. :''[The three go their ways.]'' :''[On top of the headquarters, Maltruant continues dowsing.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ah! I have located the Star Core. :''[Subdora continues to traverse the headquarters' hallways.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You will proceed to the hangar level and wait for instructions. :''[Subdora sighs]'' :'''Subdora''': Whatever you say, bossman. :''[Subdora hears a door open from afar and turns invisible to hide.]'' :'''Subdora''': It's Max Tennyson. He's coming right this way-a. :'''Exo-Skull''': Max Tennyson? Listen, sweetie, I'll get the Star Core. You just stay put. I don't want you taking any chances with that guy. :''[Subdora gasps]'' :'''Subdora''': Mm. Don't you worry about me, my darling. :''[Subdora pulls out a device from her satchel.]'' :'''Subdora''': I just found an old friend to help me out. :''[Subdora places the device on a nearby cell, opening it. Max floats by it.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Magistratus! What say we make your retirement permanent?! :''[Dr. Animo grabs Max's leg and throws him against the cell's back wall.]'' :'''Subdora''': That should keep him busy. :''[Subdora floats away. Dr. Animo tries to punch Max's head, but he dodges it. They trade attacks, until Dr. Animo forcefully shives Max's face against the wall. Dr. Animo grabs onto Max, but he pushes against the cell wall using his legs, sending Dr. Animo into the hallway's wall. Using his robotic arm, Max pulls a cord off of Dr. Animo's body, forcing him to let go. Max then bounds off of Animo and the wall to deliver a blow to Dr. Animo's glass-encased head, knocking it off of his primate body.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Note to self-- reinforce neck bolts. :''[Max tosses Dr. Animo's head and body into his cell.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': I still got it. ''[wipes forehead]'' :''[Max closes Dr. Animo's cell doors. In command, Ken escorts the guests down the elevator shaft.]'' :'''Ken''': Ladies and gentlemen... and others, please float in a calm and orderly fashion through the access tunnel to the hangar deck. :''[Exo-Skull grunts]'' :''[Exo-Skull smashes through the base's ceiling. The guests scream.]'' :'''Ken''': Okay. Everybody out! ''[pushes guest down the shaft]'' Thank you for flying the Plumber Express. :'''Exo-Skull''': The Star Core-- Where is it? :''[Ken playfully shrugs. Exo-Skull growls and activates his jet boosters and charges at Ken, who avoids the attack.]'' :''[In the power core room, Max floats down to a computer. He turns the artificial gravity and lights back on.]'' :''[Back in command, Exo-Skull charges at Ken again. The lights flip back on, as does the gravity, causing both of them to plummet. However, Ken grabs onto a ledge, and climbs up. He walks down the stairs.]'' :'''Ken''': Well, Exo-No-Skull, don't think it hasn't been a swell time had by all, 'cause it hasn't. :''[Ken enters the now-functioning elevator. Maltruant contacts Exo Skull through their commlink.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What are you doing, you hapless clod?! I told you the Star Core is on the hangar deck! What part of that is so difficult to understand?! :''[Maltruant ends the communication.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Overgrown win-dup toy. :''[Outside the headquarters, Gwendolyn creates a giant bubble out of manna. She, Ben 10,000 and Kai exit the headquarters.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': That should give us some breathing room. :''[Maltruant appears, peering over them from another part of the base. A second Maltruant joins him.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Two Maltruants? :'''Maltruant''': Or so it would appear to your primitive eyes. True-- I cannot be in two places at once, but if I time-shift fast rapidly enough, I appear to be everywhere! :''[Maltruant demonstrates his ability by creating a third Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': One for each of us. How considerate. Okay, it's hero time! :''[Ben 10,000 puts together his two Biomnitrix gauntlets, only for nothing to happen.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Oh, come on! ''[taps Biomnitrix]'' What now?! :'''Kai Green''': Maybe that solar flare knocked everything out. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[motioning to Maltruant]'' He's a clock. How come he's still working? :'''Maltruant''': Ah, you see? I skipped over that moment in time, so I still have power. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': So do I! :''[Gwendolyn throws a manna disc at Maltruant, but it phases through him. She throws two more, but Maltruant's head key starts spinning, slowing down time. He moves slightly out of the way, dodging the attacks. Once they miss, he slows down time again and assumes his previous position. He appears behind Gwendolyn, who tries to hit him with another manna disc, which again misses. He re-appears behind her.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Please! I travel back and forth through time! :''[He creates two doubles of himself, surrounding the heroes.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You don't think I saw that coming? :'''Ben 10,000''': Well, it's been a while since I was in a good, old fashioned fistfight. :''[Kai draws Excalibur. They try to attack different Maltruants, but Ben 10,000's Maltruant slows down time and pokes Kai, sending her towards Ben 10,000. He then grabs Gwendolyn, and chucks her far away. He allows time to resume, causing one of Gwen's manna discs to hit the base, causing an explosion. The explosion sends Ben 10,000 and Kai flying, though the latter manages to ground herself to the base with Excalibur. She tries to grab Ben 10,000's hand, but fails. As he continues floating off, the Biomnitrix times back in.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': About time! :''[Ben 10,000 transforms into Atomic-X. He sends a blast of nuclear energy towards Maltruant. In the hangar deck, guests rush towards Plumber Ships.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': Please board the escape vehicles in an orderly fashion, ten to a ship. :''[Ken runs up to Rook.]'' :'''Ken''': We've got trouble. Exo-Skull is on his way down to the hangar deck, and walls seem to be optional! :''[A nearby door opens, crowded with Techadon Robots. Argit squeezes his way past them.]'' :'''Future Argit''': They're after me! They're after me, I tells ya! :''[Kevin joins Rook and Ken.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Why does everything always be about you? :'''Future Argit''': Hello! Is your name "Mr. President"?! They're gonna hold me for ransom-- Or worse! :''[Argit runs off, followed by his Techadon Robots.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Secret Service, protect your president! :''[The Techadon Robots surround Argit.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': ''[Future Argit hides behind his "Secret Service" robots]'' How did you ever get elected? :''[Exo-Skull bursts through the wall, blindsiding the Techadon Robots. Argit stands up, and is grabbed by Exo-Skull.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Aah! Aah! Aah! Watch the face! Watch the face! :''[Exo-Skull snaps the necklace off of Argit's neck, and tosses him aside.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Wait. He's after your jewelry? :''[The Techadon Robots stand up and rush towards Exo-Skull, who places the jewelry on his chest, causing himself to glow in a yellow aura.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Oh, yeah. ''[laughs evilly]'' That's the stuff. :''[Exo-Skull easily defeats the Techadon Robots, throwing them out of the base and pounding them into the floor.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': ''[lifts Argit by the collar]'' Argit, what did you do? :'''Future Argit''': I kind of, sort of took the Star Core and had it made into a necklace. The one in the Plumber vault is a fake, but I swear I only wear it on special occasions! It brings out the color of my eyes. :''[Exo-Skull chucks the torso of a Techadon Robot at the heroes, who all dodge it. They scream as he charges at them, and uses his horn to pin Rook against the wall.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Kev, buddy, I'd love to stay, but I have a responsibility to the people of Earth, you know? :''[Argit runs towards a Plumber Ship. He faces Harangue's camera once he reaches the top of the ship's ramp.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Re-elect Argit, 2032! :''[The Plumber Ship takes off, leaving J. Jonah Jones and Harangue.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': And we've just seen the president making a heroic retreat from this donnybrook-- :''[Subdora races past J. Jonah Jones, as Kevin is slammed into the wall along with Rook. The two walk up to the Plumbers.]'' :'''Subdora''': Ohh. I missed all the fun. :'''Exo-Skull''': Aw, don't worry, honey bunny. I think the boss has some action topside. Shall we? :''[Exo-Skull and Subdora leave. Outside, the fight with Maltruant rages on. Kai swings Excalibur at him, which he blocks and dodges. A punch from Atomic-X sends him flying back. Gwendolyn tries to impale him with a barrage of manna spears, but he swiftly floats out of the way. He flies high above the group and fires a time ray, which Kai blocks with Excalibur.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Ugh! :''[From his side, Atomic-X fires a nuclear energy blast. Maltruant then slows down time, and goes over the attack. Now in front of Atomic-X, he fires a direct time ray, sending Atomic-X into the air. Suddenly, Spanner appears from behind Atomic-X, and uses his rocket boots to push him back down to the headquarters.]'' :'''Atomic-X''': Spanner, what are you-- Look out! :''[Atomic-X pushes Spanner aside, and is hit by a time ray. He reverts back to Ben 10,000.]'' :'''Spanner''': Dad! :'''Ben 10,000''': Wait, what did you call me? :''[Spanner removes his mask, revealing himself to be Ken.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': It was you all this time? Why didn't you tell me? :'''Ken''': After you took away my Omnitrix, I wanted to prove to you that I was ready to be a hero. When Paradox gave me this time-shifter-gizmo-- :'''Ben 10,000''': Paradox gave that to you? Then he must-- Listen, Ken, I need you to go get help. :'''Ken''': I'm not leaving you! :'''Ben 10,000''': Ken, do what your dad tells you for once! There's only one person in the universe who can help us now. :''[Maltruant punches Gwendolyn and Kai aside, and notices Spanner going back in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ben Tennyson, savior of the universe. ''[laughs]'' It's really quite laughable, you know? :''[Ben 10,000 rushes towards Maltruant and punches him, but he blocks the attack. Kai tries to slice him, but he narrowly dodges her. She turns around and gets a hit off on him, allowing Gwendolyn to stab him with a manna spear. As he slides down the headquarters, she does a backflip and fires multiple manna projectiles his way. He evades every shot as he makes his way back up the tower, and decks Gwendolyn just as she forms a shield for herself. Ben 10,000 and Kai go in for more attacks, but Maltruant grabs Gwendolyn's cape and throws her at them. The generators on his backside open up, and spark with red energy.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Honestly, you're just becoming tiresome. :''[Maltruant releases a giant, red wave of energy all around him, freezing Kai, Ben 10,000 and Gwendolyn in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': And now nothing can throw a spanner into my devious clock workings! :''[Spanner comes back with Ben and Rook with their Time-Cycles. A green orb of energy appears behind Maltruant, summoning Spanner atop the Time Cycles, driven by Rook and Ben (with Skurd in tow).]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ach! Me and my big mouth. :''[Ben stands up in his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Time's up, Maltruant! :'''Maltruant''': Somehow, I remember your quips being better. :''[Rook also stands up in his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Skurd''': No. They're always this bad. Believe me. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Aw, who asked you? ''[to Maltruant]'' Don't you remember that I always win in these situations? :''[A laser beam suddenly erupts from the headquarters, giving way to Exo-Skull and Subdora.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Yes, always. But not this time! :'''Exo-Skull''': I got to tell you, boss, the Star Core is something else. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, the sheer power-- :'''Maltruant''': Of course! :''[Maltruant takes the Star Core away from Exo-Skull, de-powering him.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Did you think I wanted it for just grins und giggles? :'''Subdora''': And your-a Annihilarrgh. :''[Subdora offers the Annihilarrgh to Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson and Rook Blonko''': The Annihilarrgh?! :'''Skurd''': Now how 'bout getting it away from the crazy villain and saving the universe, hmm? :'''Maltruant''': ''[to Exo-Skull and Subdora]'' Keep these three busy. My work must not be disturbed! :''[Spanner leaps in front of the Time Cycles.]'' :'''Spanner''': Oh, we're gonna do some disturbing. :''[Spanner throws out the Dehydrated Techadon Army Cube and splashes a bottle of water on it, forming six Techadon Robots.]'' :'''Spanner''': Attack! :''[Spanner and the Techadon Robots rush towards their enemies. Exo-Skull punches his way through one, but the others and Spanner get by him. Maltruant rains a time ray upon the remaining Techadon Robots, easily wiping them out. He lowers to the ground and grabs the still-frozen Ben 10,000 and Kai, hurling them at Spanner. As they float away, he turns around and blasts Gwendolyn with a time ray, also pushing her into space. Spanner activates his rocket boots, as Rook kicks Subdora away.]'' :'''Spanner''': Save them! :''[Rook nods and uses his Proto-Tool's grappler to reel in Kai. However, Subdora kicks him and whips him with her tail, knocking him down. The broken Techadon Robots begin to reform, and go to rescue the frozen heroes. Meanwhile, Exo-Skull chases down Ben, firing lasers at him and missing.]'' :''[Exo-Skull growls]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Batter up! :''[Exo-Skull once again charges at Ben with his jet boosters, narrowly missing his target.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Omnitrix. ''[activates the Omnitrix]'' Give me something that can fly. :''[Ben slams down on the dial, transforming him into Whampire.]'' :'''Whampire''': Yes! Thank you! :''[Whampire flies up, avoiding another tackle from Exo-Skull. Whampire pursues him.]'' :'''Whampire''': Okay, big, bad and brooding. Time for a little mind control! :''[Whampire spits out a Corruptura, which sticks to Exo-Skull's horn. Whampire flies down to his level, and attempts to hypnotize him.]'' :'''Whampire''': Sleep! Sleep! :''[Exo-Skull grabs Whampire.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Subdora''': He doesn't have enough of a mind to-a control. :''[Subdora dodges a punch from Rook.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Oh, you, too?! ''[scoffs]'' Come on. It's the armor. :''[Exo-Skull punches Whampire away. Subdora, meanwhile, whips Rook away with her tail. She draws her Positron Blaster.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I would advise you not to use that. :'''Subdora''': I don't-a take advice! :''[Subdora fires her Positron Blaster, but it backfires on her.]'' :'''Subdora''': Aaaah! :'''Rook Blonko''': A Positron Blaster has quite a kick! :''[Rook notices a Techadon Robot grabbing Gwendolyn. Another, flying alongside Spanner, has Ben 10,000 and Kai.]'' :'''Spanner''': Get them inside! :''[The Techadon Robot enter the headquarters. Spanner looks down and sees Maltruant tinkering with the Annihilarrgh. He takes the Star Core and places it inside the Annihilarrgh. Spanner goes to stop him, while Whampire grabs Subdora's leg as she is floating.]'' :'''Subdora''': Hey! Let-a go of me, you! :''[Whampire spits out a Corruptura, which latches onto her forehead. Whampire looks back.]'' :'''Whampire''': Rook, behind you! :''[Exo-Skull crashes through the Time Cycles, sending them further into space. Rook fires his Proto-Tool before getting out of Exo-Skull's way. Exo-Skull turns around.]'' :''[Rook gasps]'' :'''Whampire''': ''[to Subdora; pointing at Exo-Skull]'' Attack! :''[Whampire throws Subdora at Exo-Skull, and she lands on his back. She starts scratching him.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Ow! Oh, honey bun, not with the claws! :''[Subdora hisses]'' :''[Subdora bites Exo-Skull, tearing off a piece of his armor. Exo-Skull roars in pain, but still manages to hit Rook. Rook uses his Proto-Tool's grappler to stick to the headquarters. Exo-Skull, meanwhile, again turns around.]'' :'''Whampire''': It's like trying to stop a train with a wet cat. :'''Skurd''': Oh, for Pete's sake! If anyone cares to listen, I may have a solution. :'''Whampire''': Fine. :''[Skurd gives Whampire a helmet, shield and sword made out of Diamondhead's DNA.]'' :'''Whampire''': What do I do with this? :'''Skurd''': Use your head, dear boy. :'''Whampire''': I was afraid you were going to say that. :''[Whampire flies back down to Exo-Skull as Rook reels himself back to the headquarters.]'' :'''Whampire''': Rook, target Subdora. ''[to Subdora]'' Release him. :''[Subdora leaps off of Exo-Skull, and Rook fires a net from the Proto-Tool, ensnaring her. Meanwhile, Exo-Skull and Whampire collide heads, sending both of them flying back. The helmet on Whampire cracks down the middle and breaks. Rook leaps over the defeated Exo-Skull as Whampire times out.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ow. I'm gonna feel that in the morning. :'''Maltruant''': Drop your weapons! :''[Maltruant floats before Ben and Rook, holding Spanner.]'' :'''Spanner''': No! Forget me! Save the u- :''[Maltruant freezes Spanner in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': This has all been very amusing, but you now need to drop your weapons or I will turn little time teen here into dust, ja? :''[Rook and Skurd reluctantly withdraw their weapons.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it that you want? :'''Maltruant''': Eh, nothing, really - just a little more time. 3... 2... 1! :''[Eon suddenly appears from a portal riding a chariot pulled by a Time Beast. Maltruant throws Spanner at Eon, knocking him out of the chariot. Ben catches Spanner, and Rook rebounds Eon with a kick.]'' :'''Eon''': Whoa! :''[Maltruant takes Eon's place in the chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Oh, thank you, Eon. Your timing is impeccable, as always. And now back to your own dimension you go. :'''Eon''': What are you doing? We had a deal. :'''Maltruant''': We did. Oh, life can be so unfair. :''[Maltruant fires a time ray from his hand at Eon, warping him away.]'' :'''Maltruant''': I wish I could say I will remember you all fondly, but when I'm finished, there will be no you to remember! :''[Maltruant laughs evilly]'' :''[Maltruant laughs as his Time Beast pulls his chariot away. He opens a portal and quickly enters it. Ben and Rook look at each other, as their Time Cycles drift by.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maltruant''': And now, nothing can throw a spanner into my devious clock workings! Ach! Me and my big mouth. === ''A New Dawn [8.10]'' === :''[In the future, outside the Plumber Headquarters, Maltruant makes a getaway in his chariot pulled by a Time Beast. He disappears in a flash of red light, leaving Ben and Rook behind. Ben lets Spanner to the ground and hands him off to Ben 10,000 and Kai.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Rook. :''[Ben floats up to their Time Cycles. Just as he tries to get in, Professor Paradox appears from a portal.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Hurry, Benjamin. ''[removes goggles]'' You haven't much time. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ugh. "Time" pun. Good one, Professor Paradox. :'''Professor Paradox''': Unintended. :''[Paradox opens a portal and summons a Time Beast egg. He opens a hatch on the Time Cycles and places it inside.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Leave now, and you may still catch Maltruant in the timestream. ''[closes hatch]'' If not, then this Time Beast's egg will power your journey to places beyond even my reach. :''[Ben and Rook sit in their Time Cycles.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': I know you will not fail. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I won't. :''[The Time Cycles close their windshields and Skurd appears before Ben.]'' :'''Skurd:''' So serious. :''[The Time Cycles blast off and disappear in a green flash. In the timestream, Maltruant's chariot is pulled along. The Time Cycles suddenly appear behind him, and he fires off missiles at them. They swerve around them.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Donuts! :'''Skurd''': Do maintain a safe distance. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maintain, shmaintain. :''[Ben flies the Time Cycles up to Maltruant's chariot and rams it. The Time Beast is forced out of the timestream, but the chariot remains inside.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben, be careful. We do not want to end up like that Time Beast. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're shielded, right? :''[The Time Cycles swerve away.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben! :''[Ben once again rams the chariot, causing both parties to exit the timestream.]'' :''[The Time Cycles crash-land in a forest on Earth. Ben crawls out of his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[groans; chuckles]'' That could've gone worse. :'''Skurd''': Worse?! You tore through the fabric of existence with no regard for our safety. Our quarry is gone, and we are lost in time! :'''Ben Tennyson''': If we're lost, so is Maltruant. Besides, Paradox put me in charge, so we do this my way. This is not a democracy. :''[Someone steps before the trio.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Huh? :''[Rook draws his Proto-Tool. The person steps out the shadows, revealing themselves to be George Washington, armed with a musket.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': ''[to Ben, after Maltruant escapes with a Time Beast, right after Ben made a comment about it]'' Must you always jinx us? :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[appearing on a screen]'' In my experience; yes, he must. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ben tries to step forward.]'' :'''George Washington''': Do not move. :''[Ben stops in place.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': George Washington?! Oh man, this is amazing! :'''George Washington''': You have me at a disadvantage. I have never met you, nor your weapon-toting beast. :'''Skurd''': If it's any consolation, I don't know you, either. :'''George Washington''': The muck upon your arm speaks?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but he never says anything worth listening to. :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[puts away Proto-Tool]'' That is Ben Tennyson. And I am no beast, sir. I am Rook Blonko, a visitor from the stars. :'''George Washington''': Well, your conveyance does support your claim. ''[to Ben]'' Are you from Earth? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mm-hmm. But from the future! :''[Washington raises an eyebrow.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Smile for me! :'''George Washington''': Pardon? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Please? :'''Rook Blonko''': I apologize-- for whatever he is doing. :'''George Washington''': Very well. ''[awkwardly smiles]'' :''[Ben inspects his teeth.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey. I thought they were wooden. :'''George Washington''': Wooden teeth? Are you mad? If you two are from where you say, then what are you doing here? :''[Nearby, Maltruant lays face-down in a river, his chariot damaged. He gets up.]'' :''[Maltruant groans]'' :''[Maltruant projects a display from his chest.]'' :'''Maltruant''': 1773. Still so far. :''[Maltruant walks over to his smoking chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Putrid human. He will wish he were never born. ''[turns over chariot]'' Or... he never will be. :''[Maltruant projects a map of the stars and drags an arrow from one point to Earth.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ohh. That will do nicely. :''[Washington continues to speak with the trio.]'' :'''George Washington''': I'll own curiosity about your "time war", but I have my orders. I hunt a poor soul, trapped in a deathlike state. :''[Washington begins to walk away.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Like a zombie? :'''George Washington''': If that is what you call it. It's my duty to keep my countrymen safe from the things that go bump in the night. :'''Rook Blonko''': That sounds similar to the original Earth Plumbers directive. :''[Washington turns around.]'' :'''George Washington''': My society calls itself Plumbiers-- French for "ironworkers". :''[The four hear a moaning.]'' :'''George Washington''': Perhaps my hunt is at an end. :'''Skurd''': ''[to Ben]'' Shouldn't we be going? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Shh! I want to see a zombie! :'''Rook Blonko''': We have seen zombies. In fact, I have been one. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But not a zombie red coat! :''[A zombie red coat slowly approaches the heroes, moaning. Washington draws his musket.]'' :'''George Washington''': At the ready! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't worry, Wash. I got this. :''[Ben slams down the Omnitrix, transforming into Ghostfreak.]'' :'''George Washington''': A specter! ''[turns musket towards Ghostfreak]'' What witchcraft is this?! :''[Rook pushes the musket away from Ghostfreak.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben is not a ghost. He has only turned into an extraterrestrial that resembles one. :'''George Washington''': Incredible. :''[Ghostfreak flies towards the red coat. It lunges at him, but he turns intangible, dodging the undead's swipes.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Okay, time to take charge. :''[Ghostfreak possesses the red coat.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Ha! Gotcha! :''[The red coat begins grunting and punching himself in the face, until Ghostfreak is knocked out of him.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Aah! He has no mind to control! :''[Ghostfreak snares the red coat with his tentacles, restraining him.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': I might need some help! :''[Washington grabs a vial from his jacket and pours its contents onto the red coat, reverting him back to his original self. The red coat falls to the ground.]'' :'''Red Coat''': Oof! Zounds, what happened? :'''George Washington''': You were enthralled by an ancient curse. But you are well now. :''[Washington helps the red coat stand up.]'' :'''Red Coat''': Thank you. Thank you, sir. :'''Ghostfreak''': Hey. :'''Red Coat''': AAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! :''[The red coat scurries away in fear as Ghostfreak reverts back to Ben.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you take him prisoner? :'''George Washington''': To what end? He's a soldier of the king. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait, wait, wait. Isn't the king the bad guy? :'''Rook Blonko''': Perhaps your revolutionary war has not started yet. :'''George Washington''': War? :'''Rook Blonko''': Yes. Judging by the position of Alpha Centauri, we are in the early 1770s. :''[A spaceship suddenly flies overhead.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it? :'''Rook Blonko''': Plumber records show that the first recorded sighting of an alien craft on Earth was in 1773. :''[Near Maltruant, a metallic elevator crashes into the ground from the spaceship.]'' :'''Skurd''': And what kind of ship was it? :'''Rook Blonko''': The record does not specify, but they called it the cherry tree. :'''George Washington''': Hmm. I think I shall join you in your mission. :''[The four begin to walk towards the spaceship.]'' :''[Maltruant approaches the elevator. It opens, revealing a young Vilgax.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': I received a distress signal. Is someone in need of assistance? :'''Maltruant''': Vilgax. What a pleasant surprise. :'''Young Vilgax''': You know me, Chronosapien? :'''Maltruant''': Your... reputation precedes you. :'''Young Vilgax''': From a time traveler, that's high praise. The only reputation I've earned thus far is one of ambitious disobedience, which is why I've been exiled to his armpit of the universe. What are you doing in this sector? :'''Maltruant''': ''[motions to his chariot]'' I am currently stranded. :''[Vilgax inspects the chariot.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': I have the tech you need, but why should I help you? :''[Maltruant digs a Chronosapien Time Bomb out of the chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': I assume a Chronosapien Time Bomb would be payment enough? :''[The heroes continue to trek through the woods.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do we seriously have to walk? :'''George Washington''': My horses are stabled for the night. Else, we would ride. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sarcasm, dude. You and Rook should hang out sometime. :'''Skurd''': Oh, well, if you're in such a rush, you could have taken your Time Cycles. :''[They all stop walking.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you say anything earlier?! :'''Skurd''': Nobody asked. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Rook, go back and get the bikes. :'''Rook Blonko''': You are right. If we are to fight Maltruant, we will need them. :''[Rook starts running back to where they crash-landed.]'' :''[Soon, Ben, Skurd and Washington find themselves at the river. They spot Maltruant sitting in his ride as Vilgax's Crewmen repair it.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's Maltruant. :''[Vilgax exits the elevator.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': And that's Vilgax! :''[Ben hides behind a rock.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': So not good. We need to stop them-- Now. :'''George Washington''': I want to believe you, but I have naught but your word that these creatures pose a threat. :''[The Crewmen begin firing at Washington, who quickly ducks behind the rock.]'' :'''Crewman''': Perimeter breached. :'''Ben Tennyson''': That enough of a threat for ya?! All right, these are two of the most powerful bad guys I have ever faced, so here's the pla- huh? :''[Ben notices Washington has gone missing. He looks back at the river and sees Washington blasting one Crewman with his musket, then using it as a blunt instrument against another.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': Who is this savage? :'''Maltruant''': I have no idea. Dispose of him! :''[Vilgax draws his energy sword as more Crewmen are summoned to fight Washington. He jabs his musket into one of them, using it as a shield against the other, before blasting both. Ben watches from afar.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': He's good. :'''Skurd''': Well? Aren't you going to help? :'''Ben Tennyson''': If Vilgax sees me, I mess up the whole future. Or... something. :'''Skurd''': That's only if he sees you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ohhhhh. :''[Ben activates the Omnitrix. Meanwhile, Washington faces down Vilgax, switching out his musket for two axes chained together. Vilgax rushes towards him, but is suddenly enveloped in a watery vortex created by Ben as XLR8, stopping him in his tracks. He suddenly stops, and stands before Vilgax as water pours down.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ignore the human. The speedster is the true threat. :'''Young Vilgax''': First a Chronosapien, and now a Kineceleran? :''[Vilgax swings his sword at XLR8, but he avoids the attack.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': What an unexpected turn of events. :'''XLR8''': Yeah, well, this "turn of events" is about to kick your butt! :''[The Omnitrix begins to beep.]'' :'''XLR8''': Now?! :''[Vilgax kicks XLR8 into a tree, which falls on top of him. XLR8 then times out. Vilgax sees a green flash emit from the foliage, and the tree is lifted up by Mole-Stache. He tosses it aside.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': It... transformed? :'''Mole-Stache''': Skurd, give Mole-Stache the upper 'stache. :'''Skurd''': And away we go! :''[Skurd glomps on to Mole-Stache's mustache, giving him fiery maces made from Heatblast's DNA. Mole-Stache runs up to Vilgax and begins pummeling him, sending him tumbling down the river bank.]'' :'''Mole-Stache''': I guess you aren't quite so Vilgaxy yet. :''[Mole-Stache continues his assault in the river. Washington looks at Maltruant, and fires at him, only for Maltruant to slow down time before the ammunition hits him. He closes a hatch on his chariot, but spots the Time Cycles in the sky.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What?! :''[Maltruant takes off in his chariot, swerving around the Time Cycles' missiles. He restores the flow of time, allowing for Mole-Stache to land a blow on Vilgax. Vilgax is sent skyward, laning inside his elevator. Washington loads an axe into his musket, and shoots off a firework into the sky. It opens to reveal a kite, which is then struck by lightning.]'' :'''George Washington''': Back to the stars with you, beast! :''[Washington fires, and his electricity-infused axe starts spinning in mid-air. It cuts straight through the elevator, causing it to explode.]'' :'''George Washington''': Thank you, Dr. Franklin. :''[The elevator falls as what remains of it ascends back into the spaceship, Vilgax in tow. Rook lands the Time Cycles as Mole-Stache reverts back to Ben.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': The ability to transform at will. The power of that device will be mine! :''[Rook opens the windshield on his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Maltruant is getting away. We must leave immediately. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[to Washington]'' Thanks for your help. :''[Ben grabs Washington's hand and shakes it.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': It was amazing to meet you and everything. :''[Ben runs to his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh. And a suggestion. ''[hops in Time Cycle]'' Maybe you guys should change your name from "Plumbiers" to "Plumbers", Mr. President. ''[salutes]'' :''[The Time Cycles lift off.]'' :'''George Washington''': President? :''[The trio pursue Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We got him this time. Without a Time Beast, Maltruant definitely can't outrun us. :''[Maltruant opens his briefcase, and takes out another Time Beast egg. He rapidly ages it, and attaches it to his chariot. The Time Beast speeds up, and Maltraunt disappears in a flash.]'' :'''Skurd''': Must you always jinx us? :''[A feed of Rook appears before Ben and Skurd.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': In my experience, yes, he must. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! :''[Ben slams his fist down on the control panel, enveloping the Time Cycles in a green ball of energy. The Time Cycles warp away. The Time Cycles appear in the timestream. They follow Maltruant out of the timestream and towards a pink barrier. The Time Beast easily pierces through the barrier, and the Time Cycles follow close behind.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Brace yourself! :''[The enter the hole as it is closing in on itself, damaging the Time Cycles. The vehicles starts to sound alarms as pieces fly off of it. Green energy once again covers the Time Cycles as they reappear in a white void, spiraling. Ben and Skurd scream, but Rook remains calm.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Do you see Maltruant? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't see anything. :''[Suddenly, the three see a ship, coming closer with each successive flip of their rides.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Is that-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. No way. :'''Skurd''': Is that what? :'''Rook Blonko''': A Contumelia ship. What is it doing here? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we're about to find out! :''[The Time Cycles crash into the Contumelia ship.]'' :''[Inside the ship, Ben grunts as he pushes the windshield off of his Time Cycle. Rook easily kicks his off.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[weakly]'' Don't worry, I got it. :'''Rook Blonko''': Yes. Now, let us find Maltruant. :''[The three find themselves in the hallway where Ben and Rook previously encountered Argit, though it is far cleaner.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': If I remember correctly, this is the bridge. :''[Rook draws his Proto-Tool as they stand outside the doorway to the bridge.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': If he is here, Maltruant is most likely ready for us. :''[Ben shakes off his headache.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm good. Let's clean his clock! :''[Ben presses a button on the door, opening it. Rook sighs as he follows after Ben. At the bridge, Ben prepares for a fight.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You are going down, Ma-Ma-Ma-- ''[high-pitched; to Rook]'' Are you seeing what I'm seeing? :'''Rook Blonko''': Father? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Exactly. Wait. What? :''[Ben sees three anthropomorphic Mr. Smoothy cups at the controls of the ship. They smile at him.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mr. Smoothy! Or "smoothies" or... whatever. :''[The smoothies walk up to the three.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I see three of my father. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I've met your dad. He doesn't have a straw coming out of his head. :'''Contumelia''': You are both correct. We are the Contumelia, but our fifth-dimensional forms cannot be seen by your eyes. What you are seeing is only a projection of the thing that holds the most sway in your hearts. :'''Skurd''': Then why am I seeing three masses of energy? :'''Contumelia''': A genetometaformorphic. How interesting. :''[Another of the Contumelia speaks up.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Do you have anything to do with our other guest? :''[Ben and Rook glance at each other.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maltruant. Where is he? :'''Rook Blonko''': Why have you not tried to stop him? :'''Contumelia''': What can he do? He is as inconsequential to the experiment as you are. :''[The Contumelia begin walking away.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': They are no help. We need to move. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What experiment? :'''Contumelia''': We are about to create a universe. The countdown has already begun. :''[Rook takes Ben aside.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben, in the stories I heard since childhood, the Contumelia go from universe to universe destroying them, not creating them. I suspect that if a universe already exists in this dimension, the Annihilarrgh will destroy it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But if there isn't one, the Annihilarrgh will create it. :''[A Contumelia appears beside the trio.]'' :'''Contumelia''': How do you know of the Annihilarrgenesistoriathimiorgost? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maltruant has one of his own he's gonna use. :'''Contumelia''': Interesting. :''[The Contumelia teleports themselves, Ben, Rook and Skurd away. In the detonation room of the ship, Maltruant swaps the existing Annihilarrgh for his own, placing it inside of a yellow barrier. Suddenly, Ben, Rook and the Contumelia appear before him. A second barrier forms around his Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Maltruant''': A second too late, as usual, Tennyson. ''[notices the Contumelia]'' And ha! Three alternate versions of myself. Come. We shall relish in the victory together. :''[Ben looks back at the Contumelia, who remain still.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do something! :'''Maltruant''': The Contumelia?! :'''Contumelia''': That extradimensional field protects us from the upcoming release of energy. It is impossible to breach or turn off. :''[Ben groans]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, if you're not going to do anything, I am! Rook, you keep Maltruant busy while I find a way through that field. :''[Rook readies the Proto-Tool while Ben runs towards the field.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Haven't you learned by now that your attacks are fruitless? :''[Maltruant tries to use his powers, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What?! :''[Rook fires at Maltruant, pushing him back.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[after finding out Maltruant's weakness]'' Your powers are time-based, correct? :''[Rook attaches a missile to the Proto-Tool.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Too bad that time has not begun yet. :''[Rook fires the missile, and runs up to Maltruant, striking him with the Proto-Tool in its staff mode. Meanwhile, Ben scrolls through his transformations.]'' :'''Skurd''': Would you like me to give it a go? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Eh. What difference does it make? :''[Skurd scrolls through the transformations before deciding on one.]'' :'''Skurd''': And voilà. :''[Ben nods and slams down on the dial, transforming into Chromastone.]'' :'''Chromastone''': Holy moly! It's Chromastone! Nice! :''[Chromastone fires a prismatic laser at the barrier, while Rook blocks Maltruant's attacks. However, Chromastone's laser fizzles out, failing to destory the barrier. He tries punching it instead, but that doesn't work either. Maltruant's Annihilarrgh glows red.]'' :'''Chromastone''': It can't end like this. :''[Skurd begins covering Chromastone's arm in slime.]'' :'''Chromastone''': What are you doing? :'''Skurd''': Making a point. You never told me you had Celestialsapien DNA in here. :''[Skurd transforms Chromastone's arm into that of Alien X's, holding a sword made of his own genetic material.]'' :'''Skurd''': So elusive. :'''Chromastone''': Skurd! You slimy genius! :''[Chromastone pierces the barrier, as Rook is almost defeated by Maltruant.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Impossible! :'''Contumelia''': Interesting. :'''Chromastone''': Rook! :'''Rook''': It has been an honor to fight at your side. :''[Chromastone tries to grab the Annihilarrgh, but it descends right before he can grab it. It falls out of the ship through a hole. Chromastone dives after it.]'' :'''Maltruant''': ''[throws Rook to the ground]'' You vermin! :''[Maltruant pounds on the barrier. Outside the ship, Chromastone pursues the Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Skurd''': Well, we had a good run, dear friend. :'''Chromastone''': Sorry I called you a snot rocket. :''[The Annihilarrgh opens, and releases a laser that is quickly swallowed by a black hole.]'' :'''Skurd''': You never called me a snot rocket. :'''Chromastone''': I thought it. :''[Transforms back to Ben]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I can't believe my last words are "snot rocket"! :''[Ben is consumed by the explosion. Rook watches from a window.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben! :'''Maltruant''': He failed! I have dreamed for millennia of this moment-- an entire universe in my image! :''[The explosion suddenly shrinks.]'' :'''Maltruant''': ''[to the Contumelia]'' What is happening?! You are supposed to be observers. You are not supposed to involve yourselves in any event that transpires! :''[The explosion shrinks further, and rises back into the ship. It reappears inside the barrier.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What are you doing?! :'''Contumelia''': We are observing. :''[From inside the barrier, Feedback contains the explosion.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben? :''[Struggling, Feedback quickly morphs between Four Arms, Ripjaws, Heatblast, Wildmutt, Diamondhead, XLR8, Grey Matter, Stinkfly, Upgrade, Ghostfreak, Cannonbolt, Wildvine, Blitzwolfer, Perk Upchuck, Ditto, Eye Guy, Way Big, Swampfire, Echo Echo, Humungousaur, Big Chill, Chromastone, Brainstorm, Spidermonkey, Goop, Alien X, Lodestar, Rath, Nanomech, Waterhazard, Ampfibian, Armodrillo, Terraspin, NRG, Clockwork, Shocksquatch, Eatle, Juryrigg, Bloxx, Gravattack, Crashhopper, Ball Weevil, Walkatrout, Pesky Dust, Mole-Stache, The Worst, Kickin' Hawk, Toepick, Astrodactyl, Bullfrag, Atomix, Gutrot, and Whampire, before finally morphing back into Feedback. The barrier around him disappears, and he floats towards Maltruant.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You cannot do this! :'''Feedback''': You wanted your very own big bang! :''[Feedback fires the energy at Maltruant, causing him glow green.]'' :'''Maltruant''': NOOOOOO! :''[Maltruant begins folding in on himself, before exploding. As his parts scatter, Feedback reverts back to Ben. He tosses Maltruant's Annihilarrgh on the ground and smashes it with his foot.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': And that, as they say, is that. :''[Ben helps Rook stand up.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I thought you were-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Nah. I always figured the Omnitrix had a failsafe that wouldn't let me die, and sure enough, it kicked in right when the big bang started. Gave me just the alien I needed. :''[Skurd retracts Alien X's DNA from Ben's arm.]'' :'''Skurd''': Your recklessness never ceases to amaze. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Not reckless. Not reckless. It always seems to give me the right alien, even when I want something else. Guess I should stop fighting it. It seems to know me better than... me. :''[One of the Contumelia picks up the original Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Would you like to view the creation of your own universe? It seems this may be the most interesting one yet. :''[Ben and Rook look at each other. The Annihilarrgh is dropped out of the ship and explodes in a vibrant light. Ben and Rook watch from the ship's windows.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[witnessing the creation of the universe]'' This is the most amazingest thing anyone could ever see. :'''Rook Blonko''': "Amazingest" is not a word. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do you have a better word for it? :''[Rook thinks to himself.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': No. :''[The three hear a beep and turn around.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Huh? :''[Three sets of glass capsules are revealed, containing other Slime-Biots. Skurd gasps and pulls Ben over to the capsules.]'' :'''Skurd''': More of me! I thought I was alone in the universe. :'''Contumelia''': No. Your species is the most important in all of creation. For eons, these Slime-Biots will carry, gather, mix, and deposit DNA across the growing universe. :''[The Contumelia opens up one of the capsules.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Would you like to join your ancestors? It seems you have forgotten who you are, which is understandable after billions of years. :''[Skurd looks back at Ben.]'' :'''Skurd''': When I first met you, I saw you as nothing more than a free lunch. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you talking to me or the Omnitrix? :'''Skurd''': If I hadn't found antagonizing you so much fun, I would have never stuck with you. Thank you for everything, dear boy. :''[Skurd hops into the capsule.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thank you, Skurd. I owe you my life. :''[Ben closes the capsule.]'' :'''Skurd''': And I owe you mine. :'''Rook''': Goodbye, Skurd. :''[Skurd waves goodbye as the capsules once again become hidden. Outside the ship, countless Slime-Biots are released into space. Among them is Skurd, who loses his Omnitrix symbol on his forehead. Ben and Rook watch from the ship, when suddenly, Paradox appears from a portal.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Well done, Benjamin. I knew you wouldn't fail. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I knew it, too. :'''Rook Blonko''': You did? :''[Ben glares at Rook before bending over and picking up Maltruant's mainspring.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': See, Maltruant is stuck in a time loop. :''[Ben hands Maltruant's mainspring to Paradox.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': And he is doomed to failure, over and over. Every time he pulls himself together, he returns to the beginning of time and is defeated by Ben. I gather up the pieces of Maltruant and scatter them across the universe, and the loop begins again. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The only person who doesn't know about the time loop is Maltruant himself. ''[hands Maltruant's key to Paradox]'' Oh, and... you, I... guess. :'''Professor Paradox''': ''[to the Contumelia]'' Pardon us for the intrusion. We'll be on our way soon. ''[to Ben and Rook]'' Now, help me pick up the rest of Maltruant. We have a lot to do before I take you home. :''[In Bellwood, Ben and Rook hang out at a Mr. Smoothy.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': After what we just saw, sitting around sipping smoothies seems a bit-- :'''Rook Blonko''': Mundane. I agree. Nothing seems to be happening in Bellwood or Undertown lately. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're right! ''[stands up]'' This place will be fine and dandy without us. We just helped create the universe. Let's go check it out! :'''Rook Blonko''': That does sound less mundane. :''[Ben takes out his cell phone and dials up Gwen.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen. Okay, fine-- Gwendolyn. You and Kevin-- pack your bags. :''[Ben and Rook look up at the sky.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're going on a road trip! :''[The camera zooms out to Earth, then to space, and finally, the universe.]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Omniverse}} [[Category:Ben 10: Omniverse seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] t3n6rswnegdlmljrzu1c9z5yvwx8ja8 3954357 3954356 2026-06-19T06:58:03Z ~2026-35623-41 3343351 /* The End of an Era [8.09] */ 3954357 wikitext text/x-wiki ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10 (2005) (season 4)|4]] | [[Ben 10 (2005 TV series)|Main]] | ''[[Ben 10: Alien Force|Alien Force]]'' ([[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Alien Force (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien|Ultimate Alien]]'' ([[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Ultimate Alien (season 3)|3]]) / ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse|Omniverse]]'' ([[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 1)|1]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 2)|2]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 3)|3]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 4)|4]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 5)|5]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 6)|6]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 7)|7]] [[Ben 10: Omniverse (season 8)|8]]) / [[Ben 10 (2017 TV series)|''Ben 10'' (2017 Reboot)]] ---- The following is a list of quotes from the eighth season ''[[Ben 10: Omniverse]]''. == ''From Hedorium to Eternity [8.01]'' == :'''Jonesy''': Pancakes! :'''Lucy Mann (11 years old)''': Would you quit it?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucy Mann (11 years old)''': But, Mr. Baumann was totally fine until he came back to the old Collins's house. :'''Ben Tennyson (11 years old)''': Yeah suddenly he was... nice. :'''Gwen Tennyson (11 years old): To Ben. :'''Grandpa Max''': (''gasp'') Something is definitely wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gwen Tennyson (11 years old)''': Looks like Way Big is way too big. :'''Way Big''': (''sarcastically'') Oh, that was so funny I forgot to laugh. === ''Stuck on You [8.02]'' === :'''Trumbipulor''': Khyber? W-what can I do for you? :'''Khyber''': Nothing. It's your parasite I'm after. :'''Skurd''': Greetings... and farewell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': Skurd's the name! The dollop with the wallop! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heatblast''': Back off, Khyber! This is my lucky day, so get ready for an unlucky defeat! :'''Khyber''': Didn't your mommy ever teach you not to play with fire? :'''Heatblast''': Hey! No mothers, man! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Heatblast''': (''to Khyber'') What, no dog? No cat? Nothing to wear the Nemetrix for you? It's not like you're going to use it yourself. Or are you already plum loco? :'''Rook Blonko''': "Plum loco"? Crazy fruit? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Driba''': (''while working on the teleporter'') I'm adjusting the quantum entanglement pathway. Still seems screwy to me. :'''Bluckic''': Par for the course. :'''Driba''': A golf analogy? From you, Blukic?! :'''Blukic''': Max says it. Hit it on the green for a- :'''Driba''': Touchdown! :'''Blukic''': No, a hole in one! :'''Driba''': A touchdown! :'''Blukic''': A hole in one! :'''Driba''': (''groans'') Stop harshing my quantum mechanics! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': Khyber, you are under arrest for this, as well as your past crimes! Do you understand? :'''Khyber''': My mind is perfectly sound, Revonnahgander. That said, I'm grateful you removed the quinoa when you did. :'''Rook Blonko''': You mean the Nemetrix? :'''Khyber''': Why, what did I say? === ''Let's Do the Time War Again [8.03]'' === :'''Rook Blonko''': You will pay for destroying my Proto-TRUK! :'''Exo-Skull''': Ah, put it on my tab, ya lousy red spot! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': No need to thank me, Tennyson. :'''Feedback''': Thank you? :'''Skurd''': You are too kind. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eon''': It's an easy smash-and-grab. :'''Subdora''': If it's-a so easy, why don't you-a do it? :'''Eon''': Because he's the smash, and you're the grab. I'm playing to your strengths. :'''Exo-Skull''': What are your strengths, Eon? :'''Eon''': (''hand sparking'') You don't want to find out. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Eon''': ''[after Big Chuck grabs his weapon with his tongue]'' Give that back! :'''Big Chuck''': ''[eats the weapon]'' Gladly. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben 10,000''': (''after using Crashocker to beat Exo-Skull'') Sorry, guy. That's just the way the bug bounces. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': The creature appears to move faster than light itself. :'''Gravattack''': Yeah, and high amounts of gravity can affect the speed of light. :'''Rook Blonko''': I'm stunned. You actually know a special property of Einstein's theory of relativity. :'''Gravattack''': Yeah, it was a bonus move in Sumo Slammers IV: The Wrath of Kenko. :'''Rook Blonko''': ...My faith in the order of the universe is restored. === ''Secret of Dos Santos [8.04]'' === :'''Kai Green''': Whoa! That's new. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah. Time cycles.They, like, time travel and stuff. :'''Kai Green''': So, what are you doing here? :'''Ben Tennyson''': You called me, Kai. :'''Kai Green''': No, I was just thinking about you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No, you did. We had a nice conversation. You practically begged me to come help you. :'''Kai Green''': Why would I- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, you did... or will. Did I mention these were time bikes? Time travel is weird. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kai Green''': I'm looking for alien artifacts in the temple... :'''Ben Tennyson''': Of the sky, but your grandpa's worried because legend is that anyone who disturbs the temple will suffer the wrath of its spirit guardians. We already had this conversation in the future. Remember? :'''Kai Green''': No, I don't. Are you coming with me or not? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Anything for the future Mrs. Tennyson. :'''Kai Green''': And forget that stuff that Spanner said about us being a couple someday. You owe me an orb. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, yeah... the orb of something-something. It's on my to-do list, okay? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Rook, your breath is so bad, it's scaring the locals. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': The mystery of this temple has got nothing on the mystery of Kai Green. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': You triggered a "bobo trap"! :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's "booby trap"! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why is she looking over here? :'''Rook Blonko''': I am a blue,fur-covered alien, so if I had to venture a guess- :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're right! Kai's making fun of me because she can speak Spanish and I can't! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Exo-Skull''': (''Grabs Kai'') You've got guts, girly. Now, let's see what they look like! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kai Green''': Ugh, gotcha! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thanks, sweetie. :'''Kai Green''': ''[lets go of Ben]'' No problem. :''' Professor Paradox''': And everything is on track. Ujin, I apologize for the damage to your magnificent temple. Please continue to guard-- :'''Ujin''': The temporal mainspring! :'''Rook Blonko''': Professor, should we not be pursuing the thieves? :'''Professor Paradox''': In good time, Rook. The future unfolds as it must. :'''Ujin''': Wait, you stick me in this hope for eons guarding that piece of junk, and then when it gets jacked, all you got to say is "in good time"?! :'''Professor Paradox''': Did I mention it's fifth season on Galvan Prime? ''[opens a portal]'' A hot wind blows from the north and the females' faces become dry and crusty :'''Ujin''': Whoop! Time to go home, folks. :'''Professor Paradox''': Yes, till we meet again. :'''Kai Green''': ''[to Ben]'' You're okay to ride? :'''Skurd''': No please, why don't you two keep steaming up South America with your-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[hits Skurd on the Time Cycle side]'' I'm good Kai. :'''Kai Green''': ''[walking away]'' Alright, Mr. Tennyson. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Later, "Mrs. Tennyson." :'''Kai Green''': ''[frustrated]'' Ugh! That again?! Ben, there is no way we are married in the future. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I was teasing! :'''Kai Green''': I know, stop being so... ugh! ''[walks away]'' === ''Third Time's a Charm [8.05]'' === :''[The library basement: Kevin feeds Zed a dog biscuit. Gwen comes downstairs.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You can't sit here moping forever, Kevin. :'''Kevin Levin''': You're right. Let's go for a ride. ''[Remembers that his car is still missing]'' Oh, wait. I don't have my car. ---- :''[Charmcaster's bag: Gwen lands on Addwaitya's back.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Gets off Addwaitya's back]'' Huh? :''[Addwaitya stands up with his back turned to Gwen. He turns around.]'' :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Don't move, Addwaitya! I'm a lot more powerful now than the last time we fought. ''[Tries to uses her powers on Addwaitya, but her powers disappear]'' :'''Darkstar''': Your posturing while adorable is quite pointless, Lovely Gwen. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Tries to use her powers]'' Eradiko! Portallus Projectum! Berdi Mordo&ndash; Nata! ''[Nothing happens]'' What did you do to my powers? :'''Hex''': This is not any of our doing, Gwendolyn. :'''Darkstar''': Speak for yourself, "Uncle Hex". Charmcaster is your niece. :'''Addwaitya''': Dare not speak that wretched name in my presence. :'''Darkstar''': Or what? You'll yell even louder? :'''Addwaitya''': I shall yell as loudly as I wish, whenever I wish! :'''Hex''': It is good to see you again, Gwendolyn. I'm only sorry that it's because you are now trapped here forever too. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': There's got to be a way out. :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' There isn't. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Did you try&ndash;? :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' Yes. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Well, how about&ndash;? :'''Hex, Darkstar, and Addwaitya''': ''[In unison]'' Yes. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look, we each know a lot about magic. If we put our heads together&ndash; :'''Hex''': ''[About Addwaitya]'' His head is on fire. :'''Darkstar''': ''[To Hex]'' Yours is a skull. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Angrily]'' Come on! Work with me, people! :'''Addwaitya''': I refuse to divulge even one shred of my knowledge of magic to such unworthy recipients as you. :'''Darkstar''': Good. Maybe we'll be spared the sound of your voice for a change. :'''Gwen Tennyson''': ''[Turns away and sighs in exasperation]'' I'd pity anyone who got stuck with one of you as a college roommate. ---- :'''Charmcaster''': (''toying with the Gwendolyn totem'') Hi, I'm Gwen. I used to think I was so much better than Charmcaster. But look, now I fit in her purse! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Big mistake, Charmcaster. Way Big! (''activates Omnitrix, becomes Shocksquatch'') :'''Shocksquatch''': Or Shocksquatch. :'''Skurd''': Why do you even bother to call them out before you transform? :'''Shocksquatch''': I don't know. I'm been asking myself that same question, eh? ---- :'''Rook Blonko''': Why does Zed keep behaving like this? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maybe the totems have some weird effect on her. She is an alien. :'''Rook Blonko''': I am an alien. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but you're always weird. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': You have to make Charmcaster reach inside her magic bag. :'''Kickin' Hawk''': How? :'''Gwen Tennyson''': I don't know. Think of something! :'''Skurd''': We're doomed. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Look, we each know a lot about magic. If we put our heads together... :'''Hex''': (''looks at Adwaita'') His head is on fire. :'''Darkstar''': (''to Hex'') Yours is a skull. ---- :'''Gwen Tennyson''': Y'know, I used to wonder if Charmcaster and I could've been friends under different circumstances. And now, I know that's true. === ''The Final Countdown [8.06]'' === :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben is right. Graveyard duty inhales wind! Even the emergencies are boring! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': This will probably turn out to be a misaligned power coupling. But protocol requires- :'''Blukic''': Driba did it! :'''Driba''': What?! No, I did not! :'''Blukic''': Did too! :'''Rook Blonko''': (''clears his throat'') Blame is not the issue here. :'''Driba''': He started it! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Magister Patelliday''': Now then, do you understand the charges against you? :'''Yetta''': Ooh, you know me and charges! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kundo''': This is the end for you. At least this planet will be purged clean. Let the final purge begi- (''Fistina hits him on the head'') Ugh! :'''Fistina''': Be quiet now, mister crazy-cat! === ''Malgax Attacks [8.07]'' === :''[In Plumber Headquarters, Ben is playing a video game where he is controlling a flying plumber headquarters and shooting lasers at fleets of ships.]'' :'''Ben''': ''[deep voice]'' Prepare to die in the hands of the detriment Earth scum! Sorry, dude. You four-armed freaks picked the wrong sandbox to play. :'''Skurd''': ''[sighs]'' What kind of species make light of their own destruction? :'''Ben''': Who cares? The game is awesome. They've stopped distracting me. I'm about to collect a kill-level bonus. :''[Skurd belches, which distracts Ben, and Ben gets eliminated in the game.]'' :'''Ben''': That's what you did! That's it! I'm getting rid of you for good! :'''Skurd''': I'm the fixed DNA is the nectar of the gods! I am not going anywhere. Hey! Look here, you! :'''Ben''': Blukic, Driba! I don't want this over-sized booger off me! :'''Skurd''': Ooh, this is fun. :'''Ben''': Fine, I'll get Azmuth to do it. :'''Blukic''': You're going to Galvan Prime? :'''Driba''': Then we're coming too! There's someone we need to visit. :'''Vilgax''': This time we will emerge victorious. :'''Young Albedo''': And when we do, the annoying union between Azmuth and Tennyson will be dissolved, permanently. :'''Skurd''': Where's Rook? I like him better. :'''Grandpa Max''': Visiting his sister at the Plumbers' Academy. :'''Skurd''': Hmm, I never got to say goodbye. :'''Azmuth''': All right, Ben. What trouble have you brought me this time? :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben has a pest-control problem. :'''Skurd''': I resent that. :'''Azmuth''': A Slime-Biot? I've never observed one, they're thought to be extinct. :'''Luhley''': Hello, Ben, Magister Tennyson. :'''Blukic''': ''[flirting]'' Hiya, Luhley. You look mighty lovely today. :'''Driba''': ''[flirting]'' Yeah, Luhley. You skin flares gently in the gentle afternoon sun! :'''Luhley''': Hi, Blukic, Driba. :'''Ben''': So, what's the verdict? :'''Azmuth''': I can use ironic particle surgery to break the genetic adaptation bond between the two of you. :'''Ben''': That sounds kind of "ow"! :'''Skurd''': You think? :'''Azmuth''': Well, it's practically painless. :'''Skurd''': Practically?! :'''Ben''': Great, then what are we waiting for? :'''Skurd''': Don't do this, Ben, I beg you. You need me! :'''Ben''': In what galaxy? :'''Azmuth''': Yes, Ben. Are you sure you want to do this? :'''Ben''': Why wouldn't I? :'''Azmuth''': Mmm, good relationships can be hard work, but it's often worth it. :'''Ben''': This one isn't. :'''Driba''': This place always makes me nervous. :'''Blukic''': Predators don't scare me, Luhley, I'll protect you. :''[blushes with Driba]'' :'''Luhley''': Blukic, you're blushing, you too, Driba. :'''Driba''': It's, umm... overly warm in here. :'''Blukic''': We're not, uh... acclimated to Galvan temperatures anymore. :'''Luhley''': Really? It looked like one of you wanted to ask me out. :'''Blukic''': What?! No. :'''Driba''': Maybe him, but not me. :'''Luhley''': But if you did, who would I choose? :'''Driba''': Well, I, for one would promise to respect your decision. :'''Blukic''': W-Whatever it might be. :'''Luhley''': Get out of here! :'''Blukic''': Yes, ma'am. :'''Driba''': We're not worthy! :'''Luhley''': No, I mean we need to get out of here and warn the others that Malware is missing! :''[Blukic and Driba gulps]'' :'''Azmuth''': Well, you got what you wanted, Ben, I hope you're satisfied. :'''Grandpa Max''': Skurd, how do you feel? :'''Skurd''': Never better. Hey! :'''Azmuth''': ''[places Skurd in containment jar]'' This containment unit comes with a morphogenetic dampening field that will inhibit your unique abilities. :'''Skurd''': Uh-oh. :'''Azmuth''': Now, my eukaryotic enigma, we can examine you more closely. :'''Skurd''': Um... help? :'''Luhley''': Azmuth, Malware's gone! :'''Ben''': That's bad. :'''Driba''': ''[carrying Galvanic flower]'' Here, my splendiferous gem, these are for you. :'''Luhley''': Pyâra blooms? My favorite. Thanks, Driba. You're so sweet. :'''Blukic''': Oh, ho, ho, it's on now. :'''Grandpa Max''': Listen everyone, if Malware has returned to life, we don't have much time. All of Galvan Prime could be in danger! :'''Ben''': Yeah, but what's he planning? :'''Young Albedo''': Are the drones in position? :'''Vilgax''': Yes. Let the attack begin! :'''Ben''': It looks like they're attack drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': Azmuth, what about the defense grid? :'''Azmuth''': I've strengthened the barrier since Malware's last attack, we're safe. :'''Ben''': Is that supposed to happen? :'''Azmuth''': No, it's not. Malware couldn't possible know about teleportation frequency manipulation. :'''Grandpa Max''': Maybe someone's helping him. :'''Ben''': Time to get busy! :'''Ghostfreak''': Let the games begin! :'''Ben''': Great, my evil twin and squidface. :'''Grandpa Max''': Now we know who's behind these attacks. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': Behold, my people. A hyper-evolved Galvan. I am your new master! :'''Azmuth''': Hardly. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': The reign of the first thinker is over, Azmuth. From now on, I am the ultimate thinker! :'''Grandpa Max''': Albedo wants to replace Azmuth. :'''Ben''': So what's Vilgax doing here? :'''Vilgax''': I have come to claim what is rightfully mine, Ben Tennyson. Now, give me the Omnitrix! The Omnitrix, I must have it! :'''Ben''': Vilgax stole Malware from the hall of predators. :'''Azmuth''': And fashioned it into a morphable suit of armour, with Albedo's help, no doubt. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': You think you're the smartest being in four galaxies? :'''Azmuth''': Five, actually. :'''Ultimate Albedo''': You're nothing! You hide in that lab of yours all day, pondering the Cosmos, hoarding it's secrets. That ends now. I'm going to tear your lab apart, and once I know the mysteries of the cosmos, I will reign supreme! Behold, I am your superior! :'''Azmuth''': Two enemies on two fronts, three, counting those drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': We'll need to occupy all three forces simultaneously. :'''Azmuth''': Exactly, I'll lead the attack against Albedo, you take the rest of our forces and destroy these drones. :'''Ben''': What about me? :'''Azmuth''': I thought that was obvious. Use the Omnitrix to kick Vilgax's butt! :'''Ben''': Now we're talking! :'''Diamondhead''': Hey, squidface! Let's rumble! By the way, nice outfit. I didn't know Malware was in season. :'''Vilgax''': So is your destruction! :'''Diamondhead''': Seriously?! :'''Vilgax''': I warned you to hand over the Omnitrix, now I'm going to beat you senseless and take it from you! :'''Ben''': You've been trying to get this for years, Vilgax. Each time, epic fail. :'''Vilgax''': This time will be different. :'''Atomix''': Let's test that theory, shall we? :'''Azmuth''': Albedo's breaching our defenses. :'''Grandpa Max''': Vilgax and Albedo didn't just beam in here from nowhere. :'''Azmuth''': They must have a ship in orbit controlling these drones. :'''Grandpa Max''': If I could get to it, and knock them out at the source-- :'''Azmuth''': Then we Galvans can concentrate on stopping Albedo. :'''Grandpa Max''': And I can help Ben defeat Vilgax. :'''Azmuth''': Your tactical prowess is impressive, Max. There might be a little Galvan in your blood. :'''Grandpa Max''': It's all Tennyson, do you have a teleporter? :'''Albedo''': Azmuth's inner sanctum, soon, I'll be ruler of this world! :'''Blukic''': Irresistible, the smile which she shares, that purpose created in me by your tenderness. I am he, and she is you. :'''Luhley''': Yeah that was beautiful. Now push that endochronometric isolator over here. ''[pushing the isolator with Blukic and Driba]'' I got a wordsmith and a florist, how lucky am I? :'''Albedo''': At last, Azmuth's secrets are mine! :'''Atomix''': Oh man, that was my best shot, and Vilgax is still standing. :'''Albedo''': Get out of my way! :'''Luhley''': There's no way we will let Galvan Prime's greatest secrets fall into the hands of a traitor! Right, boys? :'''Blukic''': Yup, for sure. :'''Driba''': What she said. :'''Skurd''': I'd love to help, but then I'm a prisoner, aren't I? :'''Albedo''': If I were you-- :''[Albedo activates the Ultimatrix and transforms into Negative Rath, then evolves into Negative Ultimate Rath.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': I'd rethink the situation! :''[On Galvan B]'' :'''Vilgax''': You can't win. Turn over the Omnitrix, and maybe I'll let you live. :'''Atomix''': Give up now, and... I'll just go home. I'm really tired. :''[Vilgax picks up Atomix, and then kicks him high into the sky.]'' :'''Atomix''': Not again! :''[Atomix then goes flying into the control room of the Chimeran Hammer, and Atomix reverts into Ben. Ben then sees Max typing on a panel.]'' :'''Ben''': Grandpa? What are you doing here? :'''Grandpa Max''': Trying to shut down those drones, but I need more time. :'''Ben''': I don't think I can stop Vilgax. :'''Grandpa Max''': We'll find a way Ben, somehow. :'''Vilgax''': ''[offscreen]'' He can't help you. ''[enters Chimeran Hammer]'' Nothing can. Go ahead, change into any alien you wish, it won't do any good. I am unstoppable! :''[Vilgax laughs evilly, pushes Max away and grabs Ben's wrist.]'' :'''Vilgax''': At last, the Omnitrix is mine! :''[Then, Blukic, Driba and Luhley are hiding from Ultimate Rath, who is trying to find them. The three Galvans gaze at a gun far away from them, Luhley then runs to grab the gun, but Ultimate Rath blocks it with his foot before Luhley can get it.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': Don't you know that little people shouldn't play with guns? :'''Luhley''': Who are you calling little? :'''Azmuth''': ''[offscreen]'' Leave her alone. :'''Ultimate Rath''': You're just in time, Azmuth. :'''Azmuth''': For what? To watch you bully my companions? :''[Ultimate Rath picks up two big wires and plugs them onto a machine gun, then picks up the machine gun.]'' :'''Ultimate Rath''': No, to die. :''[Ultimate Rath then blasts the machine gun on Azmuth and unfortunately, it seems to have vaporized the latter.]'' :'''Luhley''': Noo!! :'''Ultimate Rath''': I love the smell of vaporized Azmuth in the morning. :'''Luhley''': You're a monster! :'''Ultimate Rath''': And you'll obey your new master, Luhley, or meet the same fate. :''[Luhley then unleashes her jetpack and grabs the gun, then blasts it on Ultimate Rath.]'' :'''Luhley''': Blukic, Driba, run! :''[Luhley flies out, then Ultimate Rath exits too.]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[about Azmuth]'' I can't believe he's gone. :'''Driba''': ''[hazard detector beeps]'' Blukic, my hazard detector is picking up trace amounts of electromagnetic radiation. :'''Blukic''': Teleportation signatures give off electromagnetic radiation. :'''Driba''': You don't think that Azmuth was smart enough to teleport himself at the exact moment he was vaporized, do you? :'''Blukic''': He was, we're not. :'''Driba''': Then he can still be alive. :'''Blukic''': For about four minutes, after that, his atoms would degrade. :'''Driba''': We have to reconstitute him. How long has it been? :'''Blukic''': Three minutes, give or take a minute. :'''Vilgax''': I've waited a lifetime for this. :''[Ben then kicks Vilgax's face, allowing the former to be released from his hand. Ben then transforms into Whampire.]'' :'''Whampire''': Looks like you'll have to wait a little longer, octo-head. :'''[Whampire hits Vilgax]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Attaboy, Ben. :''[Luhley is firing lasers on Ultimate Rath on the ceiling, while he is chasing her.]'' :'''Luhley''': Whatever you two are doing, do it now! :'''Blukic''': How come Azmuth didn't program a return destination for himself? :'''Driba''': He didn't have time, which is why he's counting on us to rescue him. Now activate the teleport beacon. :''[Blukic and Driba activate a teleport beacon machine, and then, it manages to teleport Azmuth in the scene again.]'' :'''Blukic and Driba''': We did it!/I did it! :'''Azmuth''': Took you long enough. :'''Luhley''': ''[flies back in]'' You two are amazing! :'''Ultimate Rath''': ''[sees Azmuth]'' Huh? No! I destroyed you! :''[Ultimate Rath jumps back in]'' :'''Azmuth''': Yes, well I was smart enough to prepare for that contingency, and this one too. :''[Azmuth unleashes a device, and fires a green beam at Ultimate Rath's Ultimatrix symbol, making the latter revert into Albedo.]'' :'''Azmuth''': I've disabled your Ultimatrix. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': Aw, you mean I'm stuck in this hideous form? Forever?! :''[Albedo presses the Ultimatrix, but doesn't activate since it's disabled.]'' :'''Azmuth''': Albedo, do you know why they started calling me "the First Thinker"? It wasn't because I achieved a perfect score on my GATs as a tadpole. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': I knew that was apocryphal! :'''Azmuth''': Oh, I did. But I'm the First Thinker because I always plan for every contingency. After I designed the Omnitrix, the most powerful technology in five galaxies, my first thought was "Gee, I should probably invent a failsafe, in case some interstellar headcase ever gets a hold of one of these things." So I did. :'''Albedo (11 years old)''': ''[yells]'' NOOOO! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Grandpa Max''': Hang on, Ben. :''[Vilgax hits Whampire onto the wall, then the latter punches Vilgax. Vilgax then retaliates by grabbing Whampire's hand and swings him onto the ground, then throws him.]'' :'''Whampire''': It's no use, I need Skurd. I never should have let him go. :'''Grandpa Max''': I'll open a commlink to the surface. :''[Whampire gets surprised by Vilgax approaching him with an energy sword.]'' :''[In Azmuth's lab, while two Galvan security officers place Albedo under arrest and escort him out the room, Max sends a commlink, making a hologram of Whampire's face appear in the commlink interface.]'' :'''Whampire''': ''[hologram]'' Skurd, you've got to help me. :'''Skurd''': Say what? :'''Whampire''': You were right about us, we make a great team. So if you're still listening, help me, Skurd the Slime-Biot. You're my only hope. :''[Whampire dodges Vilgax's attack.]'' :'''Skurd''': You heard him, get me out of here! :''[Azmuth then frees Skurd from the pod and grabs him.]'' :'''Azmuth''': I'll teleport you to Vilgax's ship. :'''Skurd''': No, don't! I'm a one-celled organism, remember? Split me apart, and the reconstitution process will destroy me! Also, teleporting makes me space-sick. :'''Luhley''': I'll fly him there! :'''Driba''': How will you get past the drones, my celestial bonnet? :'''Luhley''': Very carefully. :''[Luhley flies her spaceship out of Galvan Prime, with Skurd onboard. She then dodges lasers shot by the Mechadroids.]'' :'''Skurd''': ''[grunts]'' I left captivity for this? :''[Luhley then is flying her ship to the Chimeran Hammer, trouble is, she has some more Mechadroids shooting lasers on the ship, Luhley then evacuates her destroyed ship and uses her jetpacks to fly with Skurd instead.]'' :'''Skurd''': You're fantastic, my dear. :''[In the Chimeran Hammer, Whampire dodges some sword attacks from Vilgax.]'' :'''Whampire''': Skurd, where are you, buddy? :'''Vilgax''': Your friend won't get here in time. :''[Luhley is then flying through the hallways of the Chimeran Hammer, with three Mechadroids following and lasers at her from behind.]'' :'''Skurd''': Incoming! :''[Skurd jumps on Vilgax's head, surrounding his body around Vilgax's head, making the latter drop his energy sword and making it obliterate. The three Mechadroids go away.]'' :'''Whampire''': Skurd, boy am I glad to see you. :''[Vilgax then tries to pull Skurd off of his head, two Mechadroids shoot lasers at Luhley and Max, while Max manages to shut off the Mechadroids on a computer panel.]'' :''[The Mechadroids on Galvan Prime also get shut down, and the Galvans cheer.]'' :'''Luhley''': Thanks, Magister Tennyson. :'''Grandpa Max''': My pleasure, now that those drones are out of commission-- ''[shoots blaster on Vilgax]'' It's payback time. :'''Vilgax''': Stop! Tennyson! :''[holding Skurd in his hand]'' :''[Skurd manages to escape from Vilgax's hand, and the former goes up to Whampire. Whampire picks up Skurd.]'' :'''Whampire''': I'm sorry, Skurd. You were right all along. :'''Skurd''': Uh, what was that? I-I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you. :'''Whampire''': I said I was wrong, I do need you. :'''Skurd''': I know. :''[Whampire places Skurd on his Omnitrix symbol.]'' :'''Skurd''': DNA! Mm-mmm! Yummy! :'''Whampire''': Thanks for the breather, Grandpa. :'''Grandpa Max''': Anytime, Ben. :''[Vilgax elastically grabs Max and he disintegrates his Plumber armor.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Okay, people. Let's shut down this nut bag. :'''Luhley''': Heads up! :''[Whampire uses his enhanced strength to force Max off of Vilgax's hand, then throws Vilgax. Skurd then gives Whampire Armodrillo arms.]'' :'''Whampire''': This is more like it. :''[Whampire drills Vilgax, making the latter spin around, then Vilgax gets fired onto the wall, Skurd then creates Bloxx lobbers for Whampire. Whampire starts shooting brick beams on Vilgax, the latter fires a red energy beam for the former to dodge the attack. Skurd then gives Whampire Feedback arms and uses them to absorb an energy beam shot by Vilgax.]'' :'''Skurd''': That's right. We're back. :''[Whampire punches Vilgax.]'' :'''Skurd''': Hmm, are you thinking what I'm thinking? :'''Whampire''': Yes. :'''Skurd''': Goody. So we both agree to knock Vilgax into the warp core. :'''Whampire''': I was thinking we could use a smoothie break, but yeah, let's go with your idea instead! :''[Whampire then uses the Feedback arms to absorb the energy from the Malware Armor.]'' :'''Vilgax''': No! :''[Whampire then rams Vilgax onto the warp core.]'' :'''Vilgax''': NOOOO! :''[Whampire then destroys Vilgax's energy swords, but more importantly, the warp core is about to obliterate.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': The warp core is going to melt down. We have to get out of here. :''[Skurd discards the Feedback arms, then Whampire flies away from Vilgax.]'' :'''Whampire''': What's happening to Vilgax? :'''Luhley''': Photon radiation from the warp core breach is causing the Galvanic Mechamorph-based armour to transmute and calcify. :'''Skurd''': That suit of his just became a death trap. ''[to Vilgax]'' That's what you get for threatening innocent planets, you dirtbag! :'''Grandpa Max''': Ben, we need to leave, now! :'''Ben''': Don't worry folks-- ''[activates the Omnitrix]'' I got this. :''[Ben transforms into Gravattack.]'' :'''Gravattack''': Okay, everyone, hang on. :''[picks up Max and Luhley; about to fly out]'' :'''Luhley''': Wait, Ben! Magister Tennyson doesn't have a spacesuit. :'''Skurd''': Relax. I've got us covered. :''[Skurd makes a case out of Diamondhead's DNA, then Luhley opens the door and Gravattack places Max in the crystal case. Gravattack then exits the Chimeran Hammer, and suddenly, the ship presumably explodes. On Galvan Prime.]'' :'''Ben''': ''[to Skurd]'' We're stronger together, buddy, that's for sure. :'''Skurd''': I tried to tell you, but would you listen to me? No, which is why we need someone more flexible calling the shots, like me. :'''Ben''': Okay, look, I can still change my mind. :'''Skurd''': You have extraordinary instincts. :'''Azmuth''': Driba, Blukic, I want to thank you both for being smart enough to recognize the clue left behind by my brilliant contingency plan. :'''Driba''': You're welcome. :'''Blukic''': How are you feeling now, boss? :'''Azmuth''': Like brand new. The reconstitution process fixed my sciatica. :'''Grandpa Max''': What happened to Albedo? :'''Azmuth''': Oh, he's keeping the city clean for the next thirty Galvan solar cycles. :'''Albedo''': Can I get some sunblock out here? :'''Luhley''': So, is one of you going to ask me out, or should I just choose? ''[Blukic and Driba stare at her, unsure]'' Okay. I choose... Driba. :'''Driba''': Thank you, my sumptuous grail! :''[Driba kisses Luhley's hand]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[sniffs]'' I'll never love again. :'''Luhley''': ''[waves over a Galvan nurse]'' Blukic, this is my cousin, Duffy. :'''Duffy''': You're cute. :'''Blukic''': I'm in love again! :'''Skurd''': Aren't happy endings great? :'''Ben''': Actually, they kind of are. :''[Meanwhile, in space, we see a petrified Vilgax floating through space. Suddenly, Malware starts leaking out of the petrified armor.]'' === ''The Most Dangerous Game Show [8.08]'' === :'''Ben Tennyson''': I feel sorry for the loser who gets stuck being the next contestant on this show. :'''Charles Zenith''': And our next contestant is... (''suddenly warps his game show into the Plumber base'') Ben Tennyson! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, I probabilty should've seen that coming. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charles Zenith''': Kai Green is going to marry Ben Tennyson! :'''Kai Green''': Please! I've heard that one before! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rook Blonko''': (''about Charles Zenith'') What did you do to him? :'''Pesky Dust''': Let's just say I know the cure for entertainment. === ''The End of an Era [8.09]'' === :''[In the future, at Ben_10,000 Tower, an alarm blares.]'' :'''Security Voice''': Intruder alert on Level 42. :''[Inside the building, Dr. Animo places a Technobug on a computer terminal.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Do that cyber voodoo that you do so well! :'''Humungoopsaur''': Get away from that door, Animo! :''[Dr. Animo turns around and sees Humungoopsaur, a fusion between Goop and Humungousaur. Beside him is Kai, who now wields Excalibur.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': That's Dr. Animo! :''[Dr. Animo leaps onto the ceiling and rips off a panel, exposing green wiring. He chucks the panel at Humungoopsaur, who morphs his physiology to dodge it. Kai, meanwhile, leaps out of the way. They run towards Dr. Animo, who lands back on the floor. Behind him, the door opens, and he shoots containers out of his left arm. The containers smash on the ground, revealing mutated tadpoles.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': My pets should keep you two busy. :''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]'' :''[Dr. Animo allows the door to close, locking Humungoopsaur and Kai out. The tadpoles quickly grow into giant multi-eyed frogs.]'' :'''Kai Green''': What are those things? Your archenemies are seriously disgusting. :'''Humungoopsaur''': Hey, it's not like I pick them! :''[Inside the room, Dr. Animo clumsily types on a keypad with his massive primate fingers. Having defeated the Mutant Frogs, Humugoopsaur is heard grunting as dents are made in the door.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Ugh! Here. Let me. :''[Kai uses Excalibur to cut a circle in the door. Humungoopsaur peeks through the new hole.]'' :'''Humungoopsaur''': Two more punches and I would have had it open. :''[Humungoopsaur pushes the doors to each end, crumpling them.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Well, now you can punch him instead. :''[A tube in the center of the room opens up, and Dr. Animo hops onto the platform.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': You're too late, Tennysons! Thanks to your Chronoporter, I shall travel back in time to retrieve the A.R.C., supplying myself with enough DNA to create an army of mutant creatures! :''[Humungoopsaur rushes towards Dr. Animo, and Kai throws Excalibur at him. The tube then encases him, protecting him from their assaults.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Say goodbye to your past and hello to oblivion! :''[Dr. Animo laughs evilly]'' :''[The Chronoporter transports Dr. Animo into the past, and Humungoopsaur reverts back to Ben 10,000. He leaps down, Excalibur in hand. Suddenly, the Chronoporter activates again. He hands Excalibur back to Kai and they prepare to attack. After a flash of light, they see Spanner, standing atop a defeated Dr. Animo.]'' :'''Spanner''': Did you guys lose somebody? :''[The Chronoporter's tube raises up.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Spanner? What are you - where - :''[Kai sheathes Excalibur.]'' :'''Kai Green''': We haven't seen you in decades! :''[Spanner cuffs Dr. Animo.]'' :'''Spanner''': Yeah... I've been really busy. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[scratching head]'' Okay. Uh, well, thanks for the assist. :'''Kai Green''': We're about to leave for Plumber Headquarters. We'll drop Animo off on the way. :'''Spanner''': Oh, yeah. Grandpa Max is retiring today. :'''Kai Green''': You know about that? :'''Spanner''': Uh, y-yeah. It's all over the Extranet. :'''Ben 10,000''': And we're gonna be late if our son can't get his act together. :''[Ben 10,000 walks back into the hallway, with Kai behind him.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ken! Hurry up, buddy! ''[to Kai]'' What is with that kid? :'''Kai Green''': Don't look at me. That's all your side of the family. :''[Behind them, Spanner warps away.]'' :'''Ken''': I'm coming! I'm coming! :''[Ken climbs over the Mutant Frogs. He runs up to his parents.]'' :'''Ken''': I was looking for this. :''[Ken holds the Omnitrix in his palm.]'' :'''Kai Green''': The Omnitrix? :''[Kai takes the Omnitrix from Ken.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Unh-unh. You're still grounded, kiddo. :'''Ken''': It's an official function, so one of us should wear it, for old times' sake. :'''Kai Green''': For old times' sake? Wow. That is a real stretch, even for you. :''[Kai rustles Ken's hair.]'' :'''Ken''': Aw, come on! What if there's an alien attack or something? :'''Ben 10,000''': If there's an alien attack-- ''[looks behind himself]'' Hey, where'd Spanner go? :'''Kai Green''': The man said he was busy. Now, grab the mad doctor and let's get going. :''[Kai walks towards the Chronoporter, with Ken close behind.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Yes, dear. :''[Ken and Ben 10,000 join Kai and Dr. Animo on the Chronoporter.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ben to Plumber Base, four to teleport. :'''Dr. Animo''': I'm not mad. :''[The four are teleported away. At Plumber Headquarters, many guests talk amongst themselves, as the Plumbers operate the base. The four warp into the base, and are met by Blukic.]'' :'''Blukic''': ''[reading tablet]'' You are now arriving at Plumber Base. Barf bags are on your right. Any lingering dizziness is perfectly normal. :''[The family starts walking through the headquarters.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Wow. There is some serious political power in this room. :'''Ken''': Tell me about it. ''[points]'' Isn't that the guy from the HappySnax commercial? :''[An aged Rook meets up with the family.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': Ben, you've made it-- And on time. :'''Ben 10,000''': You don't have to sound so surprised. You ready to fill Grandpa Max's shoes? :'''Future Rook Blonko''': I do not believe an exchange of footwear will be required. :'''Ben 10,000''': No, Rook. That's a figure of-- ''[Future Rook smirks at him]'' ''[Rook smiles at Ben 10,000.]'' Oh, you got me again! :'''Future Rook Blonko''': That comedic ruse never gets old. But it will be a challenge to perform the duties of Magistratus as well as your grandfather has. :''[An elderly Max puts his robotic right hand on Rook's shoulder.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': Nonsense, Rook. You're gonna do just fine. Truth is you've been top man around here for years. :'''Future Rook Blonko''': That is kind of you to sat, Magis-- :'''Grandpa Max''': Ah. Call me "Max." Might as well get used to it. :'''Ben 10,000''': I know the invitation said no gifts, but I just couldn't show up emptyhanded. ''[motions to Dr. Animo)]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': You're finally retiring, Maxwell? This place won't be the same without you. :'''Grandpa Max''': We've kept your room just like you left it. :''[Some Plumbers escort Dr. Animo to his cell. Kevin, wearing his Amalgam Kid suit, stands before the group. Gwendolyn appears alongside him.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Tennyson. :'''Ben 10,000''': Levin. :''[The two walk up to each other and do a handshake.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Ha, so you're taking over Rook's old job, huh? :'''Future Kevin''': Hey, somebody's got to keep the Rooters in line. :'''Kai Green''': And Gwen, I hear you finally completed your second doctorate. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': I know. I know. Seriously, I would have finished a year ago if I hadn't been named High Magus. :''[The guests then starts to cheer and clap as they form a crowd around the elevator.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': You guys are just in time. The president of Earth is arriving. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[scoffs]'' This I got to see. :''[J. Jonah Jones, an aged Jimmy Jones, stands in front of a camera.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': J. Jonah Jones here, bringing you exclusive Jones Network coverage of the president's speech. :''[An older Will Harangue, holding the camera, stops the recording.]'' :'''Will Harangue''': Uh, can we do that again, Mr. Jones? I, uh, forgot to put in a SIM card. :''[J. Jonah Jones facepalms.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': Harangue! Remind me why I don't fire you. :''[J. Jonah Jones then hears the elevator clanking, and turns around. It opens, to reveal a series of Techadon Robots. They step out and move aside for Argit.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Greetings, fellow Earth-dwellers! :''[The crowd cheeers.]'' :''[Elsewhere in the Plumber Headquarters, Subdora sits in a vent. She speaks to her cohorts via a commlink.]'' :'''Subdora''': Okay. I'm inside. :''[Subdora jumps down from the ceiling. She turns invisible and sneaks around some Plumbers. She soon finds herself at the entrance of the base's vault.]'' :'''Subdora''': I'm outside the vault. :''[Maltruant and Exo-Skull sit atop Plumber Headquarters in space.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Well done, Subdora. You will wait for precisely 37.362 seconds and then proceed. :'''Exo-Skull''': Hey, I know you're the evil mastermind and all, but, uh, this place is Plumber central. What are we waiting around for? :'''Maltruant''': A random event, a twist of fate, an occurrence no one could possibly foresee-- unless, of course, you're a time traveler who's been there before. :''[Nearby, the sun flares with energy. Inside the headquarters, Ben 10,000 speaks with Argit.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Greetings, Mr. President. :'''Future Argit''': "Greetings"? Come on, you guys. Granted, I am the most powerful man on the planet, but I'm still the same old Argit. :'''Future Kevin''': That's what we're afraid of. :'''Ken''': Hey, hey, hey! Uncle Argit! :'''Future Argit''': Kenny! Look at you-- practically a juvenile delinquent! :''[Ken hugs Argit.]'' :'''Argit''': ''[whispering]'' Hey, uh, where's the, um, uh-- ''[points to his wrist)]'' :'''Ken''': Ah, my parents won't let me wear it. :'''Future Argit''': I'll take care of it. I mean, hello! President of Earth! :''[Ben 10,000 and Kai look at each other, when suddenly, an alarm goes off. The crowd gasps, and Rook checks a computer on the upper floor.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': It appears a massive solar flare has released a stream of high-energy particles. :''[The crowd murmurs amongst themselves.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': There is no cause for alarm. This station is fully shielded from ionizing radiation. At the very worst, we might experience-- :''[The lights shut off, and the alarm stops. Guests start screaming, as they lose their gravity and begin ascending. A Techadon Robot grabs Argit and pulls him down.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Hey, watch the jacket! :'''Future Rook Blonko''': A complete shutdown of all electronic systems. ''[Yelling]'' Everyone, please-- Do not panic! :''[The crowd ignores his advice and continues to worry.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Hey, settle down or I'll start knocking heads together! :'''Future Gwendolyn''': Kevin! :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[sarcastically]'' Your people skills have improved. :''[J. Jonah Jones speaks to the camera.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': In the absence of light or gravity, the wealthy and powerful of Earth float like, uh-- :'''Will Harangue''': Very important balloons? :'''J. Jonah Jones''': ''[covers microphone; clears throat]'' You know you can be replaced by a tripod and a remote control. :'''Grandpa Max''': Everyone, please. You are in no danger. The flare just knocked out the lights and the artificial gravity. We'll have everything back on in a moment. :''[The crowd relaxes.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': You did not mention that life support is also shut down. :''[The gang reconvenes with Rook and Max.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': I'm thinking we should probably keep the "running out of oxygen" part to ourselves. :''[At the vault entrance, Subdora checks her watch.]'' :'''Subdora''': 37 seconds. He may be crazy and evil, but the boss has a great sense of a-timing. :''[Subdora uses a lighter to open the vault's door. She floats upwards, and opens multiple holding lockers. Eventually, she finds what she is looking for.]'' :'''Subdora:''' There you are. Come a to mama, little Annihilarrgh! :''[Max explains his plan to the team.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': I'll go down to the power core and reset the breakers. That should bring gravity and life support back online. :'''Ben 10,000''': I'll go with you. :'''Grandpa Max''': No, Ben. I need all of you to keep everyone calm and start moving them down to the hangar deck. Be ready to launch the emergency pods just in case. :''[Max goes down the elevator shaft. Subdora contacts Maltruant.]'' :'''Subdora''': Hey, I got the Annihilarrgh, but this Star Core-- she's a fake! :''[Subdora retrieves the fake Star Core from her satchel.]'' :'''Maltruant''': A fake?! Impossible! I know I sensed the Star Core on this station. One moment. :''[Maltruant dowses through the base, looking down hallways, in command and outside the station. In the hangar deck, the group escorts the guests.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': This way! This way, please! :''[Gwendolyn suddenly senses Maltruant's dowsing. She gasps and Ben and Kai rush to her aid.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': It's Maltruant. He's at the top of the station, looking for something. :'''Kai Green''': Like what? :'''Future Gwendolyn''': I don't know. I just felt his mind searching. :'''Ben 10,000''': Whatever he's looking for, he's gonna find a serious beatdown. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': You guys head for the upper airlock. I'll tell Kevin where we're going and meet you there. :''[The three go their ways.]'' :''[On top of the headquarters, Maltruant continues dowsing.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ah! I have located the Star Core. :''[Subdora continues to traverse the headquarters' hallways.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You will proceed to the hangar level and wait for instructions. :''[Subdora sighs]'' :'''Subdora''': Whatever you say, bossman. :''[Subdora hears a door open from afar and turns invisible to hide.]'' :'''Subdora''': It's Max Tennyson. He's coming right this way-a. :'''Exo-Skull''': Max Tennyson? Listen, sweetie, I'll get the Star Core. You just stay put. I don't want you taking any chances with that guy. :''[Subdora gasps]'' :'''Subdora''': Mm. Don't you worry about me, my darling. :''[Subdora pulls out a device from her satchel.]'' :'''Subdora''': I just found an old friend to help me out. :''[Subdora places the device on a nearby cell, opening it. Max floats by it.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Magistratus! What say we make your retirement permanent?! :''[Dr. Animo grabs Max's leg and throws him against the cell's back wall.]'' :'''Subdora''': That should keep him busy. :''[Subdora floats away. Dr. Animo tries to punch Max's head, but he dodges it. They trade attacks, until Dr. Animo forcefully shives Max's face against the wall. Dr. Animo grabs onto Max, but he pushes against the cell wall using his legs, sending Dr. Animo into the hallway's wall. Using his robotic arm, Max pulls a cord off of Dr. Animo's body, forcing him to let go. Max then bounds off of Animo and the wall to deliver a blow to Dr. Animo's glass-encased head, knocking it off of his primate body.]'' :'''Dr. Animo''': Note to self-- reinforce neck bolts. :''[Max tosses Dr. Animo's head and body into his cell.]'' :'''Grandpa Max''': I still got it. ''[wipes forehead]'' :''[Max closes Dr. Animo's cell doors. In command, Ken escorts the guests down the elevator shaft.]'' :'''Ken''': Ladies and gentlemen... and others, please float in a calm and orderly fashion through the access tunnel to the hangar deck. :''[Exo-Skull grunts]'' :''[Exo-Skull smashes through the base's ceiling. The guests scream.]'' :'''Ken''': Okay. Everybody out! ''[pushes guest down the shaft]'' Thank you for flying the Plumber Express. :'''Exo-Skull''': The Star Core-- Where is it? :''[Ken playfully shrugs. Exo-Skull growls and activates his jet boosters and charges at Ken, who avoids the attack.]'' :''[In the power core room, Max floats down to a computer. He turns the artificial gravity and lights back on.]'' :''[Back in command, Exo-Skull charges at Ken again. The lights flip back on, as does the gravity, causing both of them to plummet. However, Ken grabs onto a ledge, and climbs up. He walks down the stairs.]'' :'''Ken''': Well, Exo-No-Skull, don't think it hasn't been a swell time had by all, 'cause it hasn't. :''[Ken enters the now-functioning elevator. Maltruant contacts Exo Skull through their commlink.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What are you doing, you hapless clod?! I told you the Star Core is on the hangar deck! What part of that is so difficult to understand?! :''[Maltruant ends the communication.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Overgrown win-dup toy. :''[Outside the headquarters, Gwendolyn creates a giant bubble out of manna. She, Ben 10,000 and Kai exit the headquarters.]'' :'''Future Gwendolyn''': That should give us some breathing room. :''[Maltruant appears, peering over them from another part of the base. A second Maltruant joins him.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Two Maltruants? :'''Maltruant''': Or so it would appear to your primitive eyes. True-- I cannot be in two places at once, but if I time-shift fast rapidly enough, I appear to be everywhere! :''[Maltruant demonstrates his ability by creating a third Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': One for each of us. How considerate. Okay, it's hero time! :''[Ben 10,000 puts together his two Biomnitrix gauntlets, only for nothing to happen.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': Oh, come on! ''[taps Biomnitrix]'' What now?! :'''Kai Green''': Maybe that solar flare knocked everything out. :'''Ben 10,000''': ''[motioning to Maltruant]'' He's a clock. How come he's still working? :'''Maltruant''': Ah, you see? I skipped over that moment in time, so I still have power. :'''Future Gwendolyn''': So do I! :''[Gwendolyn throws a manna disc at Maltruant, but it phases through him. She throws two more, but Maltruant's head key starts spinning, slowing down time. He moves slightly out of the way, dodging the attacks. Once they miss, he slows down time again and assumes his previous position. He appears behind Gwendolyn, who tries to hit him with another manna disc, which again misses. He re-appears behind her.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Please! I travel back and forth through time! :''[He creates two doubles of himself, surrounding the heroes.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You don't think I saw that coming? :'''Ben 10,000''': Well, it's been a while since I was in a good, old fashioned fistfight. :''[Kai draws Excalibur. They try to attack different Maltruants, but Ben 10,000's Maltruant slows down time and pokes Kai, sending her towards Ben 10,000. He then grabs Gwendolyn, and chucks her far away. He allows time to resume, causing one of Gwen's manna discs to hit the base, causing an explosion. The explosion sends Ben 10,000 and Kai flying, though the latter manages to ground herself to the base with Excalibur. She tries to grab Ben 10,000's hand, but fails. As he continues floating off, the Biomnitrix times back in.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': About time! :''[Ben 10,000 transforms into Atomic-X. He sends a blast of nuclear energy towards Maltruant. In the hangar deck, guests rush towards Plumber Ships.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': Please board the escape vehicles in an orderly fashion, ten to a ship. :''[Ken runs up to Rook.]'' :'''Ken''': We've got trouble. Exo-Skull is on his way down to the hangar deck, and walls seem to be optional! :''[A nearby door opens, crowded with Techadon Robots. Argit squeezes his way past them.]'' :'''Future Argit''': They're after me! They're after me, I tells ya! :''[Kevin joins Rook and Ken.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Why does everything always be about you? :'''Future Argit''': Hello! Is your name "Mr. President"?! They're gonna hold me for ransom-- Or worse! :''[Argit runs off, followed by his Techadon Robots.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Secret Service, protect your president! :''[The Techadon Robots surround Argit.]'' :'''Future Rook Blonko''': ''[Future Argit hides behind his "Secret Service" robots]'' How did you ever get elected? :''[Exo-Skull bursts through the wall, blindsiding the Techadon Robots. Argit stands up, and is grabbed by Exo-Skull.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Aah! Aah! Aah! Watch the face! Watch the face! :''[Exo-Skull snaps the necklace off of Argit's neck, and tosses him aside.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': Wait. He's after your jewelry? :''[The Techadon Robots stand up and rush towards Exo-Skull, who places the jewelry on his chest, causing himself to glow in a yellow aura.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Oh, yeah. ''[laughs evilly]'' That's the stuff. :''[Exo-Skull easily defeats the Techadon Robots, throwing them out of the base and pounding them into the floor.]'' :'''Future Kevin''': ''[lifts Argit by the collar]'' Argit, what did you do? :'''Future Argit''': I kind of, sort of took the Star Core and had it made into a necklace. The one in the Plumber vault is a fake, but I swear I only wear it on special occasions! It brings out the color of my eyes. :''[Exo-Skull chucks the torso of a Techadon Robot at the heroes, who all dodge it. They scream as he charges at them, and uses his horn to pin Rook against the wall.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Kev, buddy, I'd love to stay, but I have a responsibility to the people of Earth, you know? :''[Argit runs towards a Plumber Ship. He faces Harangue's camera once he reaches the top of the ship's ramp.]'' :'''Future Argit''': Re-elect Argit, 2032! :''[The Plumber Ship takes off, leaving J. Jonah Jones and Harangue.]'' :'''J. Jonah Jones''': And we've just seen the president making a heroic retreat from this donnybrook-- :''[Subdora races past J. Jonah Jones, as Kevin is slammed into the wall along with Rook. The two walk up to the Plumbers.]'' :'''Subdora''': Ohh. I missed all the fun. :'''Exo-Skull''': Aw, don't worry, honey bunny. I think the boss has some action topside. Shall we? :''[Exo-Skull and Subdora leave. Outside, the fight with Maltruant rages on. Kai swings Excalibur at him, which he blocks and dodges. A punch from Atomic-X sends him flying back. Gwendolyn tries to impale him with a barrage of manna spears, but he swiftly floats out of the way. He flies high above the group and fires a time ray, which Kai blocks with Excalibur.]'' :'''Kai Green''': Ugh! :''[From his side, Atomic-X fires a nuclear energy blast. Maltruant then slows down time, and goes over the attack. Now in front of Atomic-X, he fires a direct time ray, sending Atomic-X into the air. Suddenly, Spanner appears from behind Atomic-X, and uses his rocket boots to push him back down to the headquarters.]'' :'''Atomic-X''': Spanner, what are you-- Look out! :''[Atomic-X pushes Spanner aside, and is hit by a time ray. He reverts back to Ben 10,000.]'' :'''Spanner''': Dad! :'''Ben 10,000''': Wait, what did you call me? :''[Spanner removes his mask, revealing himself to be Ken.]'' :'''Ben 10,000''': It was you all this time? Why didn't you tell me? :'''Ken''': After you took away my Omnitrix, I wanted to prove to you that I was ready to be a hero. When Paradox gave me this time-shifter-gizmo-- :'''Ben 10,000''': Paradox gave that to you? Then he must-- Listen, Ken, I need you to go get help. :'''Ken''': I'm not leaving you! :'''Ben 10,000''': Ken, do what your dad tells you for once! There's only one person in the universe who can help us now. :''[Maltruant punches Gwendolyn and Kai aside, and notices Spanner going back in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ben Tennyson, savior of the universe. ''[laughs]'' It's really quite laughable, you know? :''[Ben 10,000 rushes towards Maltruant and punches him, but he blocks the attack. Kai tries to slice him, but he narrowly dodges her. She turns around and gets a hit off on him, allowing Gwendolyn to stab him with a manna spear. As he slides down the headquarters, she does a backflip and fires multiple manna projectiles his way. He evades every shot as he makes his way back up the tower, and decks Gwendolyn just as she forms a shield for herself. Ben 10,000 and Kai go in for more attacks, but Maltruant grabs Gwendolyn's cape and throws her at them. The generators on his backside open up, and spark with red energy.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Honestly, you're just becoming tiresome. :''[Maltruant releases a giant, red wave of energy all around him, freezing Kai, Ben 10,000 and Gwendolyn in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': And now nothing can throw a spanner into my devious clock workings! :''[Spanner comes back with Ben and Rook with their Time-Cycles. A green orb of energy appears behind Maltruant, summoning Spanner atop the Time Cycles, driven by Rook and Ben (with Skurd in tow).]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ach! Me and my big mouth. :''[Ben stands up in his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Time's up, Maltruant! :'''Maltruant''': Somehow, I remember your quips being better. :''[Rook also stands up in his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Skurd''': No. They're always this bad. Believe me. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Aw, who asked you? ''[to Maltruant]'' Don't you remember that I always win in these situations? :''[A laser beam suddenly erupts from the headquarters, giving way to Exo-Skull and Subdora.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Yes, always. But not this time! :'''Exo-Skull''': I got to tell you, boss, the Star Core is something else. ''[chuckles]'' I mean, the sheer power-- :'''Maltruant''': Of course! :''[Maltruant takes the Star Core away from Exo-Skull, de-powering him.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Did you think I wanted it for just grins und giggles? :'''Subdora''': And your-a Annihilarrgh. :''[Subdora offers the Annihilarrgh to Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson and Rook Blonko''': The Annihilarrgh?! :'''Skurd''': Now how 'bout getting it away from the crazy villain and saving the universe, hmm? :'''Maltruant''': ''[to Exo-Skull and Subdora]'' Keep these three busy. My work must not be disturbed! :''[Spanner leaps in front of the Time Cycles.]'' :'''Spanner''': Oh, we're gonna do some disturbing. :''[Spanner throws out the Dehydrated Techadon Army Cube and splashes a bottle of water on it, forming six Techadon Robots.]'' :'''Spanner''': Attack! :''[Spanner and the Techadon Robots rush towards their enemies. Exo-Skull punches his way through one, but the others and Spanner get by him. Maltruant rains a time ray upon the remaining Techadon Robots, easily wiping them out. He lowers to the ground and grabs the still-frozen Ben 10,000 and Kai, hurling them at Spanner. As they float away, he turns around and blasts Gwendolyn with a time ray, also pushing her into space. Spanner activates his rocket boots, as Rook kicks Subdora away.]'' :'''Spanner''': Save them! :''[Rook nods and uses his Proto-Tool's grappler to reel in Kai. However, Subdora kicks him and whips him with her tail, knocking him down. The broken Techadon Robots begin to reform, and go to rescue the frozen heroes. Meanwhile, Exo-Skull chases down Ben, firing lasers at him and missing.]'' :''[Exo-Skull growls]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Batter up! :''[Exo-Skull once again charges at Ben with his jet boosters, narrowly missing his target.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Omnitrix. ''[activates the Omnitrix]'' Give me something that can fly. :''[Ben slams down on the dial, transforming him into Whampire.]'' :'''Whampire''': Yes! Thank you! :''[Whampire flies up, avoiding another tackle from Exo-Skull. Whampire pursues him.]'' :'''Whampire''': Okay, big, bad and brooding. Time for a little mind control! :''[Whampire spits out a Corruptura, which sticks to Exo-Skull's horn. Whampire flies down to his level, and attempts to hypnotize him.]'' :'''Whampire''': Sleep! Sleep! :''[Exo-Skull grabs Whampire.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': But I'm not sleepy. :'''Subdora''': He doesn't have enough of a mind to-a control. :''[Subdora dodges a punch from Rook.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Oh, you, too?! ''[scoffs]'' Come on. It's the armor. :''[Exo-Skull punches Whampire away. Subdora, meanwhile, whips Rook away with her tail. She draws her Positron Blaster.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I would advise you not to use that. :'''Subdora''': I don't-a take advice! :''[Subdora fires her Positron Blaster, but it backfires on her.]'' :'''Subdora''': Aaaah! :'''Rook Blonko''': A Positron Blaster has quite a kick! :''[Rook notices a Techadon Robot grabbing Gwendolyn. Another, flying alongside Spanner, has Ben 10,000 and Kai.]'' :'''Spanner''': Get them inside! :''[The Techadon Robot enter the headquarters. Spanner looks down and sees Maltruant tinkering with the Annihilarrgh. He takes the Star Core and places it inside the Annihilarrgh. Spanner goes to stop him, while Whampire grabs Subdora's leg as she is floating.]'' :'''Subdora''': Hey! Let-a go of me, you! :''[Whampire spits out a Corruptura, which latches onto her forehead. Whampire looks back.]'' :'''Whampire''': Rook, behind you! :''[Exo-Skull crashes through the Time Cycles, sending them further into space. Rook fires his Proto-Tool before getting out of Exo-Skull's way. Exo-Skull turns around.]'' :''[Rook gasps]'' :'''Whampire''': ''[to Subdora; pointing at Exo-Skull]'' Attack! :''[Whampire throws Subdora at Exo-Skull, and she lands on his back. She starts scratching him.]'' :'''Exo-Skull''': Ow! Oh, honey bun, not with the claws! :''[Subdora hisses]'' :''[Subdora bites Exo-Skull, tearing off a piece of his armor. Exo-Skull roars in pain, but still manages to hit Rook. Rook uses his Proto-Tool's grappler to stick to the headquarters. Exo-Skull, meanwhile, again turns around.]'' :'''Whampire''': It's like trying to stop a train with a wet cat. :'''Skurd''': Oh, for Pete's sake! If anyone cares to listen, I may have a solution. :'''Whampire''': Fine. :''[Skurd gives Whampire a helmet, shield and sword made out of Diamondhead's DNA.]'' :'''Whampire''': What do I do with this? :'''Skurd''': Use your head, dear boy. :'''Whampire''': I was afraid you were going to say that. :''[Whampire flies back down to Exo-Skull as Rook reels himself back to the headquarters.]'' :'''Whampire''': Rook, target Subdora. ''[to Subdora]'' Release him. :''[Subdora leaps off of Exo-Skull, and Rook fires a net from the Proto-Tool, ensnaring her. Meanwhile, Exo-Skull and Whampire collide heads, sending both of them flying back. The helmet on Whampire cracks down the middle and breaks. Rook leaps over the defeated Exo-Skull as Whampire times out.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ow. I'm gonna feel that in the morning. :'''Maltruant''': Drop your weapons! :''[Maltruant floats before Ben and Rook, holding Spanner.]'' :'''Spanner''': No! Forget me! Save the u- :''[Maltruant freezes Spanner in time.]'' :'''Maltruant''': This has all been very amusing, but you now need to drop your weapons or I will turn little time teen here into dust, ja? :''[Rook and Skurd reluctantly withdraw their weapons.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it that you want? :'''Maltruant''': Eh, nothing, really - just a little more time. 3... 2... 1! :''[Eon suddenly appears from a portal riding a chariot pulled by a Time Beast. Maltruant throws Spanner at Eon, knocking him out of the chariot. Ben catches Spanner, and Rook rebounds Eon with a kick.]'' :'''Eon''': Whoa! :''[Maltruant takes Eon's place in the chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Oh, thank you, Eon. Your timing is impeccable, as always. And now back to your own dimension you go. :'''Eon''': What are you doing? We had a deal. :'''Maltruant''': We did. Oh, life can be so unfair. :''[Maltruant fires a time ray from his hand at Eon, warping him away.]'' :'''Maltruant''': I wish I could say I will remember you all fondly, but when I'm finished, there will be no you to remember! :''[Maltruant laughs evilly]'' :''[Maltruant laughs as his Time Beast pulls his chariot away. He opens a portal and quickly enters it. Ben and Rook look at each other, as their Time Cycles drift by.]'' === ''A New Dawn [8.10]'' === :''[In the future, outside the Plumber Headquarters, Maltruant makes a getaway in his chariot pulled by a Time Beast. He disappears in a flash of red light, leaving Ben and Rook behind. Ben lets Spanner to the ground and hands him off to Ben 10,000 and Kai.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Come on, Rook. :''[Ben floats up to their Time Cycles. Just as he tries to get in, Professor Paradox appears from a portal.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Hurry, Benjamin. ''[removes goggles]'' You haven't much time. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ugh. "Time" pun. Good one, Professor Paradox. :'''Professor Paradox''': Unintended. :''[Paradox opens a portal and summons a Time Beast egg. He opens a hatch on the Time Cycles and places it inside.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Leave now, and you may still catch Maltruant in the timestream. ''[closes hatch]'' If not, then this Time Beast's egg will power your journey to places beyond even my reach. :''[Ben and Rook sit in their Time Cycles.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': I know you will not fail. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I won't. :''[The Time Cycles close their windshields and Skurd appears before Ben.]'' :'''Skurd:''' So serious. :''[The Time Cycles blast off and disappear in a green flash. In the timestream, Maltruant's chariot is pulled along. The Time Cycles suddenly appear behind him, and he fires off missiles at them. They swerve around them.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Donuts! :'''Skurd''': Do maintain a safe distance. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maintain, shmaintain. :''[Ben flies the Time Cycles up to Maltruant's chariot and rams it. The Time Beast is forced out of the timestream, but the chariot remains inside.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben, be careful. We do not want to end up like that Time Beast. :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're shielded, right? :''[The Time Cycles swerve away.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben! :''[Ben once again rams the chariot, causing both parties to exit the timestream.]'' :''[The Time Cycles crash-land in a forest on Earth. Ben crawls out of his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[groans; chuckles]'' That could've gone worse. :'''Skurd''': Worse?! You tore through the fabric of existence with no regard for our safety. Our quarry is gone, and we are lost in time! :'''Ben Tennyson''': If we're lost, so is Maltruant. Besides, Paradox put me in charge, so we do this my way. This is not a democracy. :''[Someone steps before the trio.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Huh? :''[Rook draws his Proto-Tool. The person steps out the shadows, revealing themselves to be George Washington, armed with a musket.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skurd''': ''[to Ben, after Maltruant escapes with a Time Beast, right after Ben made a comment about it]'' Must you always jinx us? :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[appearing on a screen]'' In my experience; yes, he must. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ben tries to step forward.]'' :'''George Washington''': Do not move. :''[Ben stops in place.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': George Washington?! Oh man, this is amazing! :'''George Washington''': You have me at a disadvantage. I have never met you, nor your weapon-toting beast. :'''Skurd''': If it's any consolation, I don't know you, either. :'''George Washington''': The muck upon your arm speaks?! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Yeah, but he never says anything worth listening to. :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[puts away Proto-Tool]'' That is Ben Tennyson. And I am no beast, sir. I am Rook Blonko, a visitor from the stars. :'''George Washington''': Well, your conveyance does support your claim. ''[to Ben]'' Are you from Earth? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mm-hmm. But from the future! :''[Washington raises an eyebrow.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Smile for me! :'''George Washington''': Pardon? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Please? :'''Rook Blonko''': I apologize-- for whatever he is doing. :'''George Washington''': Very well. ''[awkwardly smiles]'' :''[Ben inspects his teeth.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey. I thought they were wooden. :'''George Washington''': Wooden teeth? Are you mad? If you two are from where you say, then what are you doing here? :''[Nearby, Maltruant lays face-down in a river, his chariot damaged. He gets up.]'' :''[Maltruant groans]'' :''[Maltruant projects a display from his chest.]'' :'''Maltruant''': 1773. Still so far. :''[Maltruant walks over to his smoking chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Putrid human. He will wish he were never born. ''[turns over chariot]'' Or... he never will be. :''[Maltruant projects a map of the stars and drags an arrow from one point to Earth.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ohh. That will do nicely. :''[Washington continues to speak with the trio.]'' :'''George Washington''': I'll own curiosity about your "time war", but I have my orders. I hunt a poor soul, trapped in a deathlike state. :''[Washington begins to walk away.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Like a zombie? :'''George Washington''': If that is what you call it. It's my duty to keep my countrymen safe from the things that go bump in the night. :'''Rook Blonko''': That sounds similar to the original Earth Plumbers directive. :''[Washington turns around.]'' :'''George Washington''': My society calls itself Plumbiers-- French for "ironworkers". :''[The four hear a moaning.]'' :'''George Washington''': Perhaps my hunt is at an end. :'''Skurd''': ''[to Ben]'' Shouldn't we be going? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Shh! I want to see a zombie! :'''Rook Blonko''': We have seen zombies. In fact, I have been one. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But not a zombie red coat! :''[A zombie red coat slowly approaches the heroes, moaning. Washington draws his musket.]'' :'''George Washington''': At the ready! :'''Ben Tennyson''': Don't worry, Wash. I got this. :''[Ben slams down the Omnitrix, transforming into Ghostfreak.]'' :'''George Washington''': A specter! ''[turns musket towards Ghostfreak]'' What witchcraft is this?! :''[Rook pushes the musket away from Ghostfreak.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben is not a ghost. He has only turned into an extraterrestrial that resembles one. :'''George Washington''': Incredible. :''[Ghostfreak flies towards the red coat. It lunges at him, but he turns intangible, dodging the undead's swipes.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Okay, time to take charge. :''[Ghostfreak possesses the red coat.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Ha! Gotcha! :''[The red coat begins grunting and punching himself in the face, until Ghostfreak is knocked out of him.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': Aah! He has no mind to control! :''[Ghostfreak snares the red coat with his tentacles, restraining him.]'' :'''Ghostfreak''': I might need some help! :''[Washington grabs a vial from his jacket and pours its contents onto the red coat, reverting him back to his original self. The red coat falls to the ground.]'' :'''Red Coat''': Oof! Zounds, what happened? :'''George Washington''': You were enthralled by an ancient curse. But you are well now. :''[Washington helps the red coat stand up.]'' :'''Red Coat''': Thank you. Thank you, sir. :'''Ghostfreak''': Hey. :'''Red Coat''': AAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH! :''[The red coat scurries away in fear as Ghostfreak reverts back to Ben.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you take him prisoner? :'''George Washington''': To what end? He's a soldier of the king. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Wait, wait, wait. Isn't the king the bad guy? :'''Rook Blonko''': Perhaps your revolutionary war has not started yet. :'''George Washington''': War? :'''Rook Blonko''': Yes. Judging by the position of Alpha Centauri, we are in the early 1770s. :''[A spaceship suddenly flies overhead.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': What is it? :'''Rook Blonko''': Plumber records show that the first recorded sighting of an alien craft on Earth was in 1773. :''[Near Maltruant, a metallic elevator crashes into the ground from the spaceship.]'' :'''Skurd''': And what kind of ship was it? :'''Rook Blonko''': The record does not specify, but they called it the cherry tree. :'''George Washington''': Hmm. I think I shall join you in your mission. :''[The four begin to walk towards the spaceship.]'' :''[Maltruant approaches the elevator. It opens, revealing a young Vilgax.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': I received a distress signal. Is someone in need of assistance? :'''Maltruant''': Vilgax. What a pleasant surprise. :'''Young Vilgax''': You know me, Chronosapien? :'''Maltruant''': Your... reputation precedes you. :'''Young Vilgax''': From a time traveler, that's high praise. The only reputation I've earned thus far is one of ambitious disobedience, which is why I've been exiled to his armpit of the universe. What are you doing in this sector? :'''Maltruant''': ''[motions to his chariot]'' I am currently stranded. :''[Vilgax inspects the chariot.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': I have the tech you need, but why should I help you? :''[Maltruant digs a Chronosapien Time Bomb out of the chariot.]'' :'''Maltruant''': I assume a Chronosapien Time Bomb would be payment enough? :''[The heroes continue to trek through the woods.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do we seriously have to walk? :'''George Washington''': My horses are stabled for the night. Else, we would ride. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Sarcasm, dude. You and Rook should hang out sometime. :'''Skurd''': Oh, well, if you're in such a rush, you could have taken your Time Cycles. :''[They all stop walking.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Why didn't you say anything earlier?! :'''Skurd''': Nobody asked. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Rook, go back and get the bikes. :'''Rook Blonko''': You are right. If we are to fight Maltruant, we will need them. :''[Rook starts running back to where they crash-landed.]'' :''[Soon, Ben, Skurd and Washington find themselves at the river. They spot Maltruant sitting in his ride as Vilgax's Crewmen repair it.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': That's Maltruant. :''[Vilgax exits the elevator.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': And that's Vilgax! :''[Ben hides behind a rock.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': So not good. We need to stop them-- Now. :'''George Washington''': I want to believe you, but I have naught but your word that these creatures pose a threat. :''[The Crewmen begin firing at Washington, who quickly ducks behind the rock.]'' :'''Crewman''': Perimeter breached. :'''Ben Tennyson''': That enough of a threat for ya?! All right, these are two of the most powerful bad guys I have ever faced, so here's the pla- huh? :''[Ben notices Washington has gone missing. He looks back at the river and sees Washington blasting one Crewman with his musket, then using it as a blunt instrument against another.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': Who is this savage? :'''Maltruant''': I have no idea. Dispose of him! :''[Vilgax draws his energy sword as more Crewmen are summoned to fight Washington. He jabs his musket into one of them, using it as a shield against the other, before blasting both. Ben watches from afar.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': He's good. :'''Skurd''': Well? Aren't you going to help? :'''Ben Tennyson''': If Vilgax sees me, I mess up the whole future. Or... something. :'''Skurd''': That's only if he sees you. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Ohhhhh. :''[Ben activates the Omnitrix. Meanwhile, Washington faces down Vilgax, switching out his musket for two axes chained together. Vilgax rushes towards him, but is suddenly enveloped in a watery vortex created by Ben as XLR8, stopping him in his tracks. He suddenly stops, and stands before Vilgax as water pours down.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Ignore the human. The speedster is the true threat. :'''Young Vilgax''': First a Chronosapien, and now a Kineceleran? :''[Vilgax swings his sword at XLR8, but he avoids the attack.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': What an unexpected turn of events. :'''XLR8''': Yeah, well, this "turn of events" is about to kick your butt! :''[The Omnitrix begins to beep.]'' :'''XLR8''': Now?! :''[Vilgax kicks XLR8 into a tree, which falls on top of him. XLR8 then times out. Vilgax sees a green flash emit from the foliage, and the tree is lifted up by Mole-Stache. He tosses it aside.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': It... transformed? :'''Mole-Stache''': Skurd, give Mole-Stache the upper 'stache. :'''Skurd''': And away we go! :''[Skurd glomps on to Mole-Stache's mustache, giving him fiery maces made from Heatblast's DNA. Mole-Stache runs up to Vilgax and begins pummeling him, sending him tumbling down the river bank.]'' :'''Mole-Stache''': I guess you aren't quite so Vilgaxy yet. :''[Mole-Stache continues his assault in the river. Washington looks at Maltruant, and fires at him, only for Maltruant to slow down time before the ammunition hits him. He closes a hatch on his chariot, but spots the Time Cycles in the sky.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What?! :''[Maltruant takes off in his chariot, swerving around the Time Cycles' missiles. He restores the flow of time, allowing for Mole-Stache to land a blow on Vilgax. Vilgax is sent skyward, laning inside his elevator. Washington loads an axe into his musket, and shoots off a firework into the sky. It opens to reveal a kite, which is then struck by lightning.]'' :'''George Washington''': Back to the stars with you, beast! :''[Washington fires, and his electricity-infused axe starts spinning in mid-air. It cuts straight through the elevator, causing it to explode.]'' :'''George Washington''': Thank you, Dr. Franklin. :''[The elevator falls as what remains of it ascends back into the spaceship, Vilgax in tow. Rook lands the Time Cycles as Mole-Stache reverts back to Ben.]'' :'''Young Vilgax''': The ability to transform at will. The power of that device will be mine! :''[Rook opens the windshield on his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Maltruant is getting away. We must leave immediately. :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[to Washington]'' Thanks for your help. :''[Ben grabs Washington's hand and shakes it.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': It was amazing to meet you and everything. :''[Ben runs to his Time Cycle.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Oh. And a suggestion. ''[hops in Time Cycle]'' Maybe you guys should change your name from "Plumbiers" to "Plumbers", Mr. President. ''[salutes]'' :''[The Time Cycles lift off.]'' :'''George Washington''': President? :''[The trio pursue Maltruant.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We got him this time. Without a Time Beast, Maltruant definitely can't outrun us. :''[Maltruant opens his briefcase, and takes out another Time Beast egg. He rapidly ages it, and attaches it to his chariot. The Time Beast speeds up, and Maltraunt disappears in a flash.]'' :'''Skurd''': Must you always jinx us? :''[A feed of Rook appears before Ben and Skurd.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': In my experience, yes, he must. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Hey! :''[Ben slams his fist down on the control panel, enveloping the Time Cycles in a green ball of energy. The Time Cycles warp away. The Time Cycles appear in the timestream. They follow Maltruant out of the timestream and towards a pink barrier. The Time Beast easily pierces through the barrier, and the Time Cycles follow close behind.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Brace yourself! :''[The enter the hole as it is closing in on itself, damaging the Time Cycles. The vehicles starts to sound alarms as pieces fly off of it. Green energy once again covers the Time Cycles as they reappear in a white void, spiraling. Ben and Skurd scream, but Rook remains calm.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Do you see Maltruant? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I don't see anything. :''[Suddenly, the three see a ship, coming closer with each successive flip of their rides.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Is that-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. No way. :'''Skurd''': Is that what? :'''Rook Blonko''': A Contumelia ship. What is it doing here? :'''Ben Tennyson''': I think we're about to find out! :''[The Time Cycles crash into the Contumelia ship.]'' :''[Inside the ship, Ben grunts as he pushes the windshield off of his Time Cycle. Rook easily kicks his off.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[weakly]'' Don't worry, I got it. :'''Rook Blonko''': Yes. Now, let us find Maltruant. :''[The three find themselves in the hallway where Ben and Rook previously encountered Argit, though it is far cleaner.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': If I remember correctly, this is the bridge. :''[Rook draws his Proto-Tool as they stand outside the doorway to the bridge.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': If he is here, Maltruant is most likely ready for us. :''[Ben shakes off his headache.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I'm good. Let's clean his clock! :''[Ben presses a button on the door, opening it. Rook sighs as he follows after Ben. At the bridge, Ben prepares for a fight.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': You are going down, Ma-Ma-Ma-- ''[high-pitched; to Rook]'' Are you seeing what I'm seeing? :'''Rook Blonko''': Father? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Exactly. Wait. What? :''[Ben sees three anthropomorphic Mr. Smoothy cups at the controls of the ship. They smile at him.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Mr. Smoothy! Or "smoothies" or... whatever. :''[The smoothies walk up to the three.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I see three of my father. :'''Ben Tennyson''': No. I've met your dad. He doesn't have a straw coming out of his head. :'''Contumelia''': You are both correct. We are the Contumelia, but our fifth-dimensional forms cannot be seen by your eyes. What you are seeing is only a projection of the thing that holds the most sway in your hearts. :'''Skurd''': Then why am I seeing three masses of energy? :'''Contumelia''': A genetometaformorphic. How interesting. :''[Another of the Contumelia speaks up.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Do you have anything to do with our other guest? :''[Ben and Rook glance at each other.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maltruant. Where is he? :'''Rook Blonko''': Why have you not tried to stop him? :'''Contumelia''': What can he do? He is as inconsequential to the experiment as you are. :''[The Contumelia begin walking away.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': They are no help. We need to move. :'''Ben Tennyson''': What experiment? :'''Contumelia''': We are about to create a universe. The countdown has already begun. :''[Rook takes Ben aside.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben, in the stories I heard since childhood, the Contumelia go from universe to universe destroying them, not creating them. I suspect that if a universe already exists in this dimension, the Annihilarrgh will destroy it. :'''Ben Tennyson''': But if there isn't one, the Annihilarrgh will create it. :''[A Contumelia appears beside the trio.]'' :'''Contumelia''': How do you know of the Annihilarrgenesistoriathimiorgost? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Maltruant has one of his own he's gonna use. :'''Contumelia''': Interesting. :''[The Contumelia teleports themselves, Ben, Rook and Skurd away. In the detonation room of the ship, Maltruant swaps the existing Annihilarrgh for his own, placing it inside of a yellow barrier. Suddenly, Ben, Rook and the Contumelia appear before him. A second barrier forms around his Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Maltruant''': A second too late, as usual, Tennyson. ''[notices the Contumelia]'' And ha! Three alternate versions of myself. Come. We shall relish in the victory together. :''[Ben looks back at the Contumelia, who remain still.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do something! :'''Maltruant''': The Contumelia?! :'''Contumelia''': That extradimensional field protects us from the upcoming release of energy. It is impossible to breach or turn off. :''[Ben groans]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Well, if you're not going to do anything, I am! Rook, you keep Maltruant busy while I find a way through that field. :''[Rook readies the Proto-Tool while Ben runs towards the field.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Haven't you learned by now that your attacks are fruitless? :''[Maltruant tries to use his powers, but nothing happens.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What?! :''[Rook fires at Maltruant, pushing him back.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': ''[after finding out Maltruant's weakness]'' Your powers are time-based, correct? :''[Rook attaches a missile to the Proto-Tool.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Too bad that time has not begun yet. :''[Rook fires the missile, and runs up to Maltruant, striking him with the Proto-Tool in its staff mode. Meanwhile, Ben scrolls through his transformations.]'' :'''Skurd''': Would you like me to give it a go? :'''Ben Tennyson''': Eh. What difference does it make? :''[Skurd scrolls through the transformations before deciding on one.]'' :'''Skurd''': And voilà. :''[Ben nods and slams down on the dial, transforming into Chromastone.]'' :'''Chromastone''': Holy moly! It's Chromastone! Nice! :''[Chromastone fires a prismatic laser at the barrier, while Rook blocks Maltruant's attacks. However, Chromastone's laser fizzles out, failing to destory the barrier. He tries punching it instead, but that doesn't work either. Maltruant's Annihilarrgh glows red.]'' :'''Chromastone''': It can't end like this. :''[Skurd begins covering Chromastone's arm in slime.]'' :'''Chromastone''': What are you doing? :'''Skurd''': Making a point. You never told me you had Celestialsapien DNA in here. :''[Skurd transforms Chromastone's arm into that of Alien X's, holding a sword made of his own genetic material.]'' :'''Skurd''': So elusive. :'''Chromastone''': Skurd! You slimy genius! :''[Chromastone pierces the barrier, as Rook is almost defeated by Maltruant.]'' :'''Maltruant''': Impossible! :'''Contumelia''': Interesting. :'''Chromastone''': Rook! :'''Rook''': It has been an honor to fight at your side. :''[Chromastone tries to grab the Annihilarrgh, but it descends right before he can grab it. It falls out of the ship through a hole. Chromastone dives after it.]'' :'''Maltruant''': ''[throws Rook to the ground]'' You vermin! :''[Maltruant pounds on the barrier. Outside the ship, Chromastone pursues the Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Skurd''': Well, we had a good run, dear friend. :'''Chromastone''': Sorry I called you a snot rocket. :''[The Annihilarrgh opens, and releases a laser that is quickly swallowed by a black hole.]'' :'''Skurd''': You never called me a snot rocket. :'''Chromastone''': I thought it. :''[Transforms back to Ben]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': I can't believe my last words are "snot rocket"! :''[Ben is consumed by the explosion. Rook watches from a window.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben! :'''Maltruant''': He failed! I have dreamed for millennia of this moment-- an entire universe in my image! :''[The explosion suddenly shrinks.]'' :'''Maltruant''': ''[to the Contumelia]'' What is happening?! You are supposed to be observers. You are not supposed to involve yourselves in any event that transpires! :''[The explosion shrinks further, and rises back into the ship. It reappears inside the barrier.]'' :'''Maltruant''': What are you doing?! :'''Contumelia''': We are observing. :''[From inside the barrier, Feedback contains the explosion.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': Ben? :''[Struggling, Feedback quickly morphs between Four Arms, Ripjaws, Heatblast, Wildmutt, Diamondhead, XLR8, Grey Matter, Stinkfly, Upgrade, Ghostfreak, Cannonbolt, Wildvine, Blitzwolfer, Perk Upchuck, Ditto, Eye Guy, Way Big, Swampfire, Echo Echo, Humungousaur, Big Chill, Chromastone, Brainstorm, Spidermonkey, Goop, Alien X, Lodestar, Rath, Nanomech, Waterhazard, Ampfibian, Armodrillo, Terraspin, NRG, Clockwork, Shocksquatch, Eatle, Juryrigg, Bloxx, Gravattack, Crashhopper, Ball Weevil, Walkatrout, Pesky Dust, Mole-Stache, The Worst, Kickin' Hawk, Toepick, Astrodactyl, Bullfrag, Atomix, Gutrot, and Whampire, before finally morphing back into Feedback. The barrier around him disappears, and he floats towards Maltruant.]'' :'''Maltruant''': You cannot do this! :'''Feedback''': You wanted your very own big bang! :''[Feedback fires the energy at Maltruant, causing him glow green.]'' :'''Maltruant''': NOOOOOO! :''[Maltruant begins folding in on himself, before exploding. As his parts scatter, Feedback reverts back to Ben. He tosses Maltruant's Annihilarrgh on the ground and smashes it with his foot.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': And that, as they say, is that. :''[Ben helps Rook stand up.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': I thought you were-- :'''Ben Tennyson''': Nah. I always figured the Omnitrix had a failsafe that wouldn't let me die, and sure enough, it kicked in right when the big bang started. Gave me just the alien I needed. :''[Skurd retracts Alien X's DNA from Ben's arm.]'' :'''Skurd''': Your recklessness never ceases to amaze. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Not reckless. Not reckless. It always seems to give me the right alien, even when I want something else. Guess I should stop fighting it. It seems to know me better than... me. :''[One of the Contumelia picks up the original Annihilarrgh.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Would you like to view the creation of your own universe? It seems this may be the most interesting one yet. :''[Ben and Rook look at each other. The Annihilarrgh is dropped out of the ship and explodes in a vibrant light. Ben and Rook watch from the ship's windows.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': ''[witnessing the creation of the universe]'' This is the most amazingest thing anyone could ever see. :'''Rook Blonko''': "Amazingest" is not a word. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Do you have a better word for it? :''[Rook thinks to himself.]'' :'''Rook Blonko''': No. :''[The three hear a beep and turn around.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Huh? :''[Three sets of glass capsules are revealed, containing other Slime-Biots. Skurd gasps and pulls Ben over to the capsules.]'' :'''Skurd''': More of me! I thought I was alone in the universe. :'''Contumelia''': No. Your species is the most important in all of creation. For eons, these Slime-Biots will carry, gather, mix, and deposit DNA across the growing universe. :''[The Contumelia opens up one of the capsules.]'' :'''Contumelia''': Would you like to join your ancestors? It seems you have forgotten who you are, which is understandable after billions of years. :''[Skurd looks back at Ben.]'' :'''Skurd''': When I first met you, I saw you as nothing more than a free lunch. :'''Ben Tennyson''': Are you talking to me or the Omnitrix? :'''Skurd''': If I hadn't found antagonizing you so much fun, I would have never stuck with you. Thank you for everything, dear boy. :''[Skurd hops into the capsule.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Thank you, Skurd. I owe you my life. :''[Ben closes the capsule.]'' :'''Skurd''': And I owe you mine. :'''Rook''': Goodbye, Skurd. :''[Skurd waves goodbye as the capsules once again become hidden. Outside the ship, countless Slime-Biots are released into space. Among them is Skurd, who loses his Omnitrix symbol on his forehead. Ben and Rook watch from the ship, when suddenly, Paradox appears from a portal.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': Well done, Benjamin. I knew you wouldn't fail. :'''Ben Tennyson''': I knew it, too. :'''Rook Blonko''': You did? :''[Ben glares at Rook before bending over and picking up Maltruant's mainspring.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': See, Maltruant is stuck in a time loop. :''[Ben hands Maltruant's mainspring to Paradox.]'' :'''Professor Paradox''': And he is doomed to failure, over and over. Every time he pulls himself together, he returns to the beginning of time and is defeated by Ben. I gather up the pieces of Maltruant and scatter them across the universe, and the loop begins again. :'''Ben Tennyson''': The only person who doesn't know about the time loop is Maltruant himself. ''[hands Maltruant's key to Paradox]'' Oh, and... you, I... guess. :'''Professor Paradox''': ''[to the Contumelia]'' Pardon us for the intrusion. We'll be on our way soon. ''[to Ben and Rook]'' Now, help me pick up the rest of Maltruant. We have a lot to do before I take you home. :''[In Bellwood, Ben and Rook hang out at a Mr. Smoothy.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': After what we just saw, sitting around sipping smoothies seems a bit-- :'''Rook Blonko''': Mundane. I agree. Nothing seems to be happening in Bellwood or Undertown lately. :'''Ben Tennyson''': You're right! ''[stands up]'' This place will be fine and dandy without us. We just helped create the universe. Let's go check it out! :'''Rook Blonko''': That does sound less mundane. :''[Ben takes out his cell phone and dials up Gwen.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': Gwen. Okay, fine-- Gwendolyn. You and Kevin-- pack your bags. :''[Ben and Rook look up at the sky.]'' :'''Ben Tennyson''': We're going on a road trip! :''[The camera zooms out to Earth, then to space, and finally, the universe.]'' ==External links== {{wikipedia|Ben 10: Omniverse}} [[Category:Ben 10: Omniverse seasons]] [[Category:Children's television seasons]] 03xh07xghbvuora73pj1hi6wx1f6bug 0 196543 3954135 3954109 2026-06-18T12:50:24Z ~2026-19301-69 3305883 /* Cast */ 3954135 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[W:Despicable Me 3|Despicable Me 3]]''''' is a [[W:2017 in film|2017]] American 3D computer-animated comedy film in which Gru teams up with his long lost twin Dru in order to defeat a new enemy named Balthazar Bratt, a former 1980s child actor who grows up to become a villain. It is the third installment in the [[W:Despicable Me (franchise)|''Despicable Me'' film series]] and the sequel to ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013). :''Directed by [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] and [[w:Kyle Balda|Kyle Balda]] and co-directed by Eric Guillon. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]].'' {{center|'''Oh brother.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Gru == * There is always a blind guy. * Take it to the AVL and get out jobs back! * Get ready, Bratt! You are about to be blasted back to the 80s! * Quick, jump! == Dru == * Face it, Gru. Villainy is in your blood! * ''["hugging" Gru while jumping up and down]'' Oh, I love this guy! Look at him! But hair would make you better. ''[lightly punches Gru all over as Gru tries to stop him]'' Look at his face! Oh, he is so mad! ''[does an impression of Gru is face]'' * Hehe, I’m okay. ''['''Gru''': Ugh, I miss the minions.]'' == Bratt == * ''[repeated line]'' I have been a bad boy! * This is not over, Gru! You hear me? This is ''not'' over! * Gum one, gum all! * Gru? There’s two of you now? * Go get them, Bratt Pack! * Well, now that I have got the diamond, it's payback time. Oh, it is too bad Gru will not be around to try and stop me. Oh, wait! No, it is not! I hate that dweeb! And you, Hollywood! This time, I am canceling you! And all the losers who rejected me! ''[laughs evilly]'' == Dialogue == :''[first lines]'' :'''TV Show Host''': The year was 1985, and the #1 hit show on TV was… :'''Young Balthazar Bratt''': Evil Bratt! :'''TV Show Host''': The show starred young Balthazar Bratt as a child, prodigy and criminal mastermind bent on world domination! :'''Military Officer''': There he is! Get him! :''[Bratt kicks the military officials]'' :'''Young Bratt''': Goo-goo! I've been a ba-a-ad boy! :'''TV Show Host''': Bratt was the biggest child actor of the 1980s, striking a chord with audiences all over the world. :''[Two Inuit kids cheer and high-five with Bratt dolls. Bratt, now a pre-teen, lands]'' :'''Military Officer''': There he is! Get him! :'''TV Show Host''': ''[as Bratt kicks the military officials]'' But it all came to an end in Season 3, when… :''[Bratt turns to the viewers revealing that his face is covered in pimples and cracking voice]'' :'''Teenage Balthazar Bratt''': (imitating Peter Brady from [[The Brady Bunch]]) I've been a bad boy! :'''TV Show Host''': The young star experienced an unexpected growth spurt. :'''Teenage Bratt''': Boy? Boy?! Agggghhh! :''[As Bratt groans in disgust, the word "CANCELED" appears]'' :'''TV Show Host''': The show was canceled. [[w:Hollywood, Los Angeles|Hollywood]] rejected him, and Bratt quickly plunged into a downward spiral, starting to actually believe he ''was'' the character he played on TV. :'''Teen Bratt''': What are you looking at?! :''[Bratt shakes the camera, then punches the screen, shattering it into small pieces]'' :'''TV Show Host''': Leading us all to wonder… where is he now? :''[Bratt runs away, shoving people as he laughs meanly. A few years later, a ship is seen through binoculars. Bratt, now an adult, chuckles evilly as he chews gum]'' :'''Bratt''': You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better! Heist music! :'''Clive''': Here it comes! :''[Clive inserts a tape into the boat's radio, which plays [[w:Berlin (band)|Berlin]]'s "[[W:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"]'' :'''Bratt''': D'oh! What?! Clive, what are you doing?! Where is the heist music?! :'''Clive''': Sorry! My bad. :''[Clive ejects the tape, flips it over, then inserts it back, now playing [[Michael Jackson]]'s "[[w:Bad (Michael Jackson song)|Bad]]"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''A.V.L. Tech''': Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kinda of... monster! :'''Silas Ramsbottom''': Wait, that’s not a monster. ''[zooms in on the boat, revealing Bratt]'' That's a man wearing shoulder pads! There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it, the Dumont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately! :'''Lucy''': We're already here! Agents Grucy are closing fast! :'''Gru''': Yeah! Wait. What? What did you call us? :'''Lucy''': Grucy! You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Try it. :'''Gru''': Oh, I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': Hello, Gru! How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst (heroic) agent? :''[Bratt aims a gun at Gru]'' :'''Gru''': Oh, that's hilarious, you should be on TV. :''[Gru smacks the gun off Bratt's hand]'' :'''Gru''': Oh, that's right. You were! ''[pulls out his freeze ray]'' But then you got cancelled! :''[Bratt smacks the freeze ray off Gru's hand and pulls out a larger gun as he laughs.]'' :'''Gru''': ''[smacks the gun away]'' What about that? ''[pulls out... a small water pistol]'' What? Ugh! Girls! ''[throws the water pistol at Bratt's face]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': Gru! Did you actually think I was unconscious? :'''Gru''': Huh? :'''Bratt''': It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still got it! :'''Gru''': Agh! Whoa! AGHHH! Ooh-aaah! Whoa! Aaaaah! Woahhhh! Whoa! Ah-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Aaaah! Oh! Ah! Ow! :''[Bratt music plays the intro to Jump by Van Halen on his sonic keytar, blowing Gru off of the ship]'' :'''Gru''': [''cries out''] :'''Brat''': I've been a ba-a-ad boy! Ha-ha-ha-ha! :'''Alpha Team Leader''': Freeze! Don't move! :'''Bratt''': Son of a Beta-max! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silas''': Thank you for coming in such short notice. It is with great sadness that I must inform that as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL. :''[All the agents gasp in shock]'' :'''Lucy''': Oh, no! :'''Silas''': Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted. ''[under his breath]'' The very ''ambitious'', Miss Valerie da Vinci. As I look out over all your faces, I am fluttered with so many memories. :'''Valerie da Vinci''': Oh, boy, this is a snooze fest! Blah, blah, blah, we understand, you're old, look, you're fat, you're done. :'''Silas''': Ooh! ''[grunts]'' Let me breathe in! ''[gets shoved into the ejection hole]'' :'''Valerie''': Whew, broke a little sweat there. ''[chuckles]'' First order of business. ''[clears her throat]'' WHICH ONE OF YOU LOSERS IS AGENT GRU?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Minions are cheering because they want to go back to villainy]'' :'''Gru''': Guys! Shh, shh, shh, shh! I don't think you heard me right! No, no, no, no, no, no! This does not mean that we're going back to being villains! :'''Minions''': ''[disappointed]'' Awww... :'''Stuart''': Ah? Pinyoof la komiko! :'''Gru''': Okay, alright, I get it. Look, I know it's been a little tough lately, especially with Dr. Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite. :''[Dr. Nefario is completely frozen while three Minions try to break him out]'' :'''Gru''': But our life of crime is over! Ugh. Mel! Mel, you're with me on this, right? :'''Mel''': Ugh! Looka! :''[Mel clicks a button and starts a slideshow; each slide shows Gru doing some villainous things and chores while the Minions cheer and boo]'' :'''Mel''': MINIONS, NO LE PINYOOF! ''[the Minions all rouse up]'' Pinyoof, pinyoof, pinyoof! :'''Gru''': Guys, listen to me! Read my lips! Leso me lipo! Pomo doro la comquit! :''[The Minions laugh]'' :'''Gru''': What? What did I say? ''[pulls out a Minions language book]'' It's not "comquit"? Ah, okay. Pomo doro la kumquat! :'''Mel''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pulisso kumquit parado. Lury para yo. :'''Gru''': Don't take that tone with me! We're not going back to villainy! :'''Mel''': Uh? No pirany? :'''Gru''': Yes! And I don't want to hear another word about it! ''[the Minions all blow raspberries at Gru]'' Look! If you guys don't stop right now, there will be consequences! :'''Mel''': Eh? Poro es me moro! :'''Gru''': Hey, don't say anything you're going to regret! :'''Mel''': Ooh, no re paros! El es quita! Choperu! ''[he and the other Minions leave]'' :'''Gru''': What, you quit? You're serious? Come on! ''[Bob angrily stomps on Mel's Gru hat and leaves with all the Minions... except for Dave and Jerry, who just walked into the room, unaware of what just happened]'' Dave! Jerry! Good news, guys! You've just been promoted! You're in charge now! Huh? Not bad! :'''Dave and Jerry''': ''[whoop excitingly as they tear off their Hawaiian costumes and begin rubbing their butts together]'' ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA! :'''Gru''': Oh... GEESH! <hr width=50%> :'''Officer''': ''[while watching the minions run by]'' What are you doing? Intruders! Intruders! :''[the Officers are right behind the minions with their rabid German Shepherds]'' :'''Officer 1''': There they are! :'''Officer 2''': Stop! :'''Officer 1''': Hey, you! Don’t move! Halt! :'''Minions''': ''[run as the police are right behind them, then they go into a door, the door closes, the police catch up to them]'' :'''Officer 1''': ''[while Officer 2 is panting]'' Call for backup! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Paris, a luxury car stops outside the museum. A guard opens the door, and a giant chubby man squeezes out of the car. The doors burst open as the man enters]'' :'''Museum Director''': ''Monsieur'' Pompeux! ''[kisses Pompeux's cheeks]'' So, what do we owe the presence of the world's foremost gem expert? :'''Pompeux''': The chief of police sent me. He was censored that during the recent heist attempt, the Dumont Diamond was replaced with a phony. ''[The museum director and his friends gasp. Pompeux enters a room where the Dumont Diamond sits on a pedestal surrounded by lasers. Pompeux snaps his fingers causing the lasers to turn off, examines the diamond with a jeweler's loop, sniffs it with his nose, then licks it with his tongue]'' Ooh-la-la! You have been duped! :'''Museum Director''': What? We have? :'''Pompeux''': Yes. ''[in Bratt's voice]'' BY ''ME''! :''[Darts fire from the loop, knocking out five guards.]'' :'''Museum Director''': What? What is…? ''[A rubber mask of Pompeux's head gets tossed into the museum director's face. He removes it, then gasps]'' Oh, no! Help! ''[As he runs, a sixth dart strikes his butt, and he collapses on the floor. The costume of Pomepeux's body starts to shake as Bratt gets out of it.]'' :''[Bratt hits play on a portable cassette player which [[w:Take on Me|Take on Me]] by [[w:A-ha|A-ha]] plays. A grappling hook fires from the player, crashing through a glass dome in the ceiling, then pops into a disco ball. Bratt attaches the player to his belt, then laughs as he grabs the diamond]'' :'''Bratt''': I've been a bad boy! Or should I say… ''[speaks French, then laughs as he escapes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': ''[runs over to Agnes after she sells the fluffy unicorn]'' Agnes, what are you doing? You sold your unicorn? :'''Agnes''': Well, I just wanted to help since you don't have a job. I got 2 whole dollars for it! :'''Dave and Jerry''': Aww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': Wait, what, it's true?! You never told me I had a brother, and you told me that Dad died of disappointment when I was born! :'''Marlena''': Yeah. That was the agreement. :'''Gru''': "Agreement"? What are you talking about?! :'''Marlena''': ''[sighs]'' Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took one son to raise on our own and promised never to see each other again. Obviously, I got second pick. :'''Gru''': I have a brother. <hr width="50%"/> :''' :'''Gru''': No! That's my private part! ''[yelling]'' This pig has issues! :'''Fritz''': Please, come in. :'''Gru''': ''[screaming]'' Whoa! Oh! Ow! Aaaaah! :'''Lucy''': Oh, this is so amazing. It's like the Sistine Chappell! But with pigs. :'''Dru''': ''[laughing]'' My brother! :[He comes the stairs and Gru is amazed] :'''Both''': My brother! :'''Dru''': Gru! :'''Gru''': Dru! :'''Dru''': (he laughing and he takes off his hat and shown his blonde hair that Gru is uncomfortable) Eh… ''[notices Lucy and dances with her]'' You must be the beautiful wife! :'''Lucy''': Beautiful? Oh! ''[Dru twirls her around and catches her; laughs]'' Stop it! ''[tugs Dru's scarf]'' Sweet talker. :'''Dru''': ''[wraps his arm around Gru, with the other still holding Lucy]'' How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? ''[rubs Gru's head]'' I'm joking! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dru''': So, brother, how are things going for you career-wise? :'''Gru''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Great. So, so great. Crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Edith and Agnes are at the Tipsy Unicorn tavern. Agnes discovers a real unicorn's horn.]'' :'''Scar-Faced Man''': I'm telling you I saw one once. With my own eye! ''[On 'eye', he bends down toward Agnes' face]'' :'''Agnes''': ''[waving her arms to halt the man]'' Wait, wait, wait. You saw a for-real live '''UNICORN?!''' What did it look like? What do you think?'' ''[gasps] Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? ''[shocks and rages]'' Was it '''''FLUFYYYYYY?!''''' :'''Scar-Faced Man''': It was so fluffy; I thought I was gonna die! :'''Agnes''': Do you think maybe I could find one, too? :'''Scar-Faced Man''': Oh. They say if a maiden pure of heart goes into the Crooked Forest, the unicorn will come and be hers, forever. :''[Agnes holds her breath and starts screaming, causing breaking the window. Lucy heard Agnes screaming] :'''Lucy''': AGNES! [kicks the man, grabbing the man, kicking the man, grabbing the table, kicking the man] Goal! Excuse me. [takes a dart off, putting another on the nose] Girls, don't worry, I'm here. Are you okay? :'''Edith''': Yeah, we're fine. Are you? :'''Agnes''': Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find one! :'''Lucy''': Aw. Sorry. Went a little Mama Bear on you. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, okay. Have a good one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucy''': So... what did you guys do today? :'''Gru and Dru''': ''[lying]'' Nothing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Margo''': Um... :'''Lucy''': What? :'''Margo''': It's OK to tell them "No" sometimes, too, you know? Moms need to be tough. :'''Lucy''': Right. Tough. I can totally do that! Still figuring out this mom thing. ''[imitates a pirate captain]'' Getting my sea legs, matey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dru's doorbell rings. Lucy answers it]'' :'''Lucy''': Hello? ''[sees Niko]'' Oh, hi. :'''Niko''': Hello, mother of Margo. I am Niko. I present you with pig to confirm my engagement to your daughter. :''[The pig squeals]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[laughs]'' Hey, what now? :'''Margo''': What's going on? Go on. :'''Lucy''': Uh, remember Little Boots? :'''Niko''': Hello, my schmoopsie-poo. ''[tries to kiss Margo]'' :'''Margo''': Whoa! Hey! :'''Lucy''': He seems to think you're engaged. ''[laughs]'' :'''Margo''': What? ''[as Niko kisses her hand]'' We're not engaged. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucy hears a knock at the door]'' :'''Lucy''': Ugh, here we go. Niko... ''[gasps as she finds Niko standing behind his mother, a woman, holding Niko's brother, a baby]'' :'''Niko's mother''': You! '''''You refuse my son's engagement pig?!''''' :'''Lucy''': What? :'''Niko's mother''': '''''May you and your daughter die a slow death and be buried with onions!''''' ''[spits at Margo, and the baby does the same, much to her shock as she hides behind Lucy]'' :'''Lucy''': Alright, lady, that's it! Nobody, ''nobody'' curses my daughter! You got that? ''[Margo is surprised by how Lucy is defending her]'' Because if you mess with Margo, you mess ''with me''! And I promise you do ''not'' want to mess with me! Do you understand me?! :'''Niko's mother''': Yes, yes. :'''Lucy''': ''[calmly]'' Good. ''[angrily]'' Now, get out! ''[Niko's mother takes her son's hand, and they hurry off. Lucy then turns to Margo, thinking she's still upset with her]'' Look, Margo, I think we just need to-- ''[Margo hugs her tightly. Lucy is startled at first, but hugs her, too]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': ''[takes the Lucy's head disguise off him]'' We're going to Hollywood! ''[laughs while the girls gasp]'' Now, that’s what I call acting. ''[chuckles]'' Let's go, Clive! We've got a giant robot waiting! ''[Clive laughs]'' :''[After having an argument with Dru and Bratt kidnapped the girls, Gru is about to leave out the door when suddenly he hears banging from the closet.]'' :'''Gru''': Huh? ''[opens the closet door and gasps]'' Lucy? ''[finds the real Lucy bound and gagged in the closet then removes the gag from her mouth]'' But... :'''Lucy''': ''[gasps for air]'' Bratt! He took the girls! :'''Gru''': What?! No! :''[Through a window, the jet flies off. Gru watches in horror. Dru, drowning his misery after his argument, eats ice cream as Gru and Lucy approach him.]'' :'''Gru''': Dru! Dru! :'''Dru''': ''[turns away from him]'' Go away! I don't wanna talk to you. :'''Gru''': ''(No, listen.)'' Bratt has the girls! :''[Looking shocked that Bratt kidnap his nieces, Dru stops eating his ice cream, then turns to his brother while gasping. In the sky, Gru flies the rocket jet with Dru and Lucy]'' :'''Gru''': Listen, brother, about what I just said... :'''Dru''': No, I'm the one. :'''Gru''': I shouldn't have... ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. :'''Dru''': Oh, I'm so sorry, Gru. :'''Lucy''': Aw... Ooh, look out! :'''Gru''': ''[sees a flying machine]'' What is that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': ''[laughing]'' Hello, Hollywood! ''[on speaker]'' I'm back and bigger than ever. :''[The girls and Lucky are inside the robot's chest]'' :'''Agnes''': ''[whimpering]'' Whoa! I'm scared! :'''Celebrity''': Thank you. Thank you so… Oh! ''[spots the robot as the people flee]'' No! No! No, you can’t leave me here! I’m famous! :'''Bratt''': ''[laughing]'' Clive, arm the cannons. ''[Gum launchers appear on the robot's shoulder pads]'' Chew on this! :''[As gum launches from the launchers, they become bubbles, covering the city. People scream and run around in panic. The robot steps over a woman, who screams.]'' :'''Edith''': Hey, mullet-head, let us out! :'''Bratt''': Oh, don't worry, girls, I've prepared a front row seat for you. ''[flips a switch, and a panel opens on the robot's chest. The girls scream as a platform slides them and Lucky onto the robot's hand. The robot drops the girls and Lucky on the ledge of a tall building. Agnes screams as she hangs on for dear life]'' :'''Margo''': Agnes! :''[Margo and Edith help her up]'' :'''Bratt''': Once again, I win, and Gru loses! Enjoy the show, girls! :''[As the robot walks off, the girls' gape at the gum. The rocket jet arrives]'' :'''Gru''': What in the heck? :'''Lucy''': Oh! I hope the girls are okay! :'''Dru''': Bratt! Bratt at 9 o'clock! No, ''3'' o'clock! He's on the left! :''[The robot is nearby]'' :'''Dru''': ''[gasps]'' No, I've seen this episode! He's gonna bubblegum the whole city and send it up into space! :'''Lucy''': ''[gasps]'' Hurry! :''[Dru yelps.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dru disabled the robot, Gru, regaining consciousness, gapes]'' :'''Gru''': <big>'''''DRU!!!'''''</big> ''[runs over to the wreckage]'' Hold on! I'm coming! ''[looks up to see Bratt looking furious at him]'' :'''Bratt''': You've ruined everything! And now, it's time to die! Any last words, Gru? :'''Gru''': You know what? I've got two words for you. "Dance fight"! ''[starts dancing as "[[w:Into the Groove|Into the Groove]]" by [[Madonna]] plays]'' :'''Bratt''': Oh, it is on like [[w:Donkey Kong|Donkey Kong]]! I'm gonna enjoy this! :''[Bratt and Gru start to dance fight]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': ''[last words]'' Game over! ''[laughs evilly as he tries to reach for his keytar, but realizes that it's gone]'' :'''Gru''': ''[to Bratt, who has got Bratt's keytar]'' Is this what you're looking for? :'''Bratt''': <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> ''[Gru blasts energy at him by music playing with Money for Nothing by Dire Straits.]'' No! Ow! No! Whoa! Aaaah! ''[The blast blows off Bratt's clothes]'' <big>'''''WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!'''''</big> ''[and he tumbles backwards.]'' Ah! Oh! Whoa! No! ''[Dangling upside down from a bubble of gum, he floats away]'' <big>'''''NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'''''</big> ''[Gru drops the keytar, then walks off.]'' Curse you, Gru! ''[Due to him being upside down, he bumps his head into an Onions billboard as Anti-Villain League helicopters fly over to him]'' D'oh! Curse you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Agnes called Lucy "mom"]'' :'''Lucy''': I'm a mom. I'm a mom! :''[Lucy gets excited as she runs off]'' == Cast == * [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] — Felonious Gru, Dru Gru * [[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]] — Lucy Wilde-Gru * [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] — Balthazar Bratt * [[w:Miranda Cosgrove|Miranda Cosgrove]] — Margo Gru * [[w:Dana Gaier|Dana Gaier]] — Edith Gru * Nev Scharrel — Agnes Gru ** [[w:Elsie Fisher|Elsie Fisher]] (previously) * [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] — Mel the Minion, Dave the Minion, Jerry the Minion, Other Minions, Museum Director * [[Steve Coogan]] — Silas, Fritz * [[Julie Andrews]] — Marlena Gru * [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Valerie da Vinci * [[w:Andy Nyman|Andy Nyman]] — Clive the Robot * [[Frank Welker]] — Kyle and Lucky ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=3469046|title=Despicable Me 3}} {{Despicable Me}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2017 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2017 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Despicable Me]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Films about twins]] [[Category:Films about vacationing]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films set in Los Angeles]] r6lihahzhuvua1realrxykuvwzoiqa7 3954144 3954135 2026-06-18T13:19:02Z UDScott 4304 /* Cast */ 3954144 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[W:Despicable Me 3|Despicable Me 3]]''''' is a [[W:2017 in film|2017]] American 3D computer-animated comedy film in which Gru teams up with his long lost twin Dru in order to defeat a new enemy named Balthazar Bratt, a former 1980s child actor who grows up to become a villain. It is the third installment in the [[W:Despicable Me (franchise)|''Despicable Me'' film series]] and the sequel to ''[[Despicable Me 2]]'' (2013). :''Directed by [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] and [[w:Kyle Balda|Kyle Balda]] and co-directed by Eric Guillon. Written by [[w:Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio|Cinco Paul and Ken Daurio]].'' {{center|'''Oh brother.''' [[#Taglines|taglines]]}} == Gru == * There is always a blind guy. * Take it to the AVL and get out jobs back! * Get ready, Bratt! You are about to be blasted back to the 80s! * Quick, jump! == Dru == * Face it, Gru. Villainy is in your blood! * ''["hugging" Gru while jumping up and down]'' Oh, I love this guy! Look at him! But hair would make you better. ''[lightly punches Gru all over as Gru tries to stop him]'' Look at his face! Oh, he is so mad! ''[does an impression of Gru is face]'' * Hehe, I’m okay. ''['''Gru''': Ugh, I miss the minions.]'' == Bratt == * ''[repeated line]'' I have been a bad boy! * This is not over, Gru! You hear me? This is ''not'' over! * Gum one, gum all! * Gru? There’s two of you now? * Go get them, Bratt Pack! * Well, now that I have got the diamond, it's payback time. Oh, it is too bad Gru will not be around to try and stop me. Oh, wait! No, it is not! I hate that dweeb! And you, Hollywood! This time, I am canceling you! And all the losers who rejected me! ''[laughs evilly]'' == Dialogue == :''[first lines]'' :'''TV Show Host''': The year was 1985, and the #1 hit show on TV was… :'''Young Balthazar Bratt''': Evil Bratt! :'''TV Show Host''': The show starred young Balthazar Bratt as a child, prodigy and criminal mastermind bent on world domination! :'''Military Officer''': There he is! Get him! :''[Bratt kicks the military officials]'' :'''Young Bratt''': Goo-goo! I've been a ba-a-ad boy! :'''TV Show Host''': Bratt was the biggest child actor of the 1980s, striking a chord with audiences all over the world. :''[Two Inuit kids cheer and high-five with Bratt dolls. Bratt, now a pre-teen, lands]'' :'''Military Officer''': There he is! Get him! :'''TV Show Host''': ''[as Bratt kicks the military officials]'' But it all came to an end in Season 3, when… :''[Bratt turns to the viewers revealing that his face is covered in pimples and cracking voice]'' :'''Teenage Balthazar Bratt''': (imitating Peter Brady from [[The Brady Bunch]]) I've been a bad boy! :'''TV Show Host''': The young star experienced an unexpected growth spurt. :'''Teenage Bratt''': Boy? Boy?! Agggghhh! :''[As Bratt groans in disgust, the word "CANCELED" appears]'' :'''TV Show Host''': The show was canceled. [[w:Hollywood, Los Angeles|Hollywood]] rejected him, and Bratt quickly plunged into a downward spiral, starting to actually believe he ''was'' the character he played on TV. :'''Teen Bratt''': What are you looking at?! :''[Bratt shakes the camera, then punches the screen, shattering it into small pieces]'' :'''TV Show Host''': Leading us all to wonder… where is he now? :''[Bratt runs away, shoving people as he laughs meanly. A few years later, a ship is seen through binoculars. Bratt, now an adult, chuckles evilly as he chews gum]'' :'''Bratt''': You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better! Heist music! :'''Clive''': Here it comes! :''[Clive inserts a tape into the boat's radio, which plays [[w:Berlin (band)|Berlin]]'s "[[W:Take My Breath Away|Take My Breath Away]]"]'' :'''Bratt''': D'oh! What?! Clive, what are you doing?! Where is the heist music?! :'''Clive''': Sorry! My bad. :''[Clive ejects the tape, flips it over, then inserts it back, now playing [[Michael Jackson]]'s "[[w:Bad (Michael Jackson song)|Bad]]"]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''A.V.L. Tech''': Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kinda of... monster! :'''Silas Ramsbottom''': Wait, that’s not a monster. ''[zooms in on the boat, revealing Bratt]'' That's a man wearing shoulder pads! There's only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it, the Dumont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately! :'''Lucy''': We're already here! Agents Grucy are closing fast! :'''Gru''': Yeah! Wait. What? What did you call us? :'''Lucy''': Grucy! You know, Gru and Lucy mushed together. Try it. :'''Gru''': Oh, I like it, but not a lot. I don't like it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': Hello, Gru! How's your transition coming? You know, from world's worst villain to world's worst (heroic) agent? :''[Bratt aims a gun at Gru]'' :'''Gru''': Oh, that's hilarious, you should be on TV. :''[Gru smacks the gun off Bratt's hand]'' :'''Gru''': Oh, that's right. You were! ''[pulls out his freeze ray]'' But then you got cancelled! :''[Bratt smacks the freeze ray off Gru's hand and pulls out a larger gun as he laughs.]'' :'''Gru''': ''[smacks the gun away]'' What about that? ''[pulls out... a small water pistol]'' What? Ugh! Girls! ''[throws the water pistol at Bratt's face]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': Gru! Did you actually think I was unconscious? :'''Gru''': Huh? :'''Bratt''': It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still got it! :'''Gru''': Agh! Whoa! AGHHH! Ooh-aaah! Whoa! Aaaaah! Woahhhh! Whoa! Ah-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Aaaah! Oh! Ah! Ow! :''[Bratt music plays the intro to Jump by Van Halen on his sonic keytar, blowing Gru off of the ship]'' :'''Gru''': [''cries out''] :'''Brat''': I've been a ba-a-ad boy! Ha-ha-ha-ha! :'''Alpha Team Leader''': Freeze! Don't move! :'''Bratt''': Son of a Beta-max! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Silas''': Thank you for coming in such short notice. It is with great sadness that I must inform that as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL. :''[All the agents gasp in shock]'' :'''Lucy''': Oh, no! :'''Silas''': Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted. ''[under his breath]'' The very ''ambitious'', Miss Valerie da Vinci. As I look out over all your faces, I am fluttered with so many memories. :'''Valerie da Vinci''': Oh, boy, this is a snooze fest! Blah, blah, blah, we understand, you're old, look, you're fat, you're done. :'''Silas''': Ooh! ''[grunts]'' Let me breathe in! ''[gets shoved into the ejection hole]'' :'''Valerie''': Whew, broke a little sweat there. ''[chuckles]'' First order of business. ''[clears her throat]'' WHICH ONE OF YOU LOSERS IS AGENT GRU?! <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Minions are cheering because they want to go back to villainy]'' :'''Gru''': Guys! Shh, shh, shh, shh! I don't think you heard me right! No, no, no, no, no, no! This does not mean that we're going back to being villains! :'''Minions''': ''[disappointed]'' Awww... :'''Stuart''': Ah? Pinyoof la komiko! :'''Gru''': Okay, alright, I get it. Look, I know it's been a little tough lately, especially with Dr. Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite. :''[Dr. Nefario is completely frozen while three Minions try to break him out]'' :'''Gru''': But our life of crime is over! Ugh. Mel! Mel, you're with me on this, right? :'''Mel''': Ugh! Looka! :''[Mel clicks a button and starts a slideshow; each slide shows Gru doing some villainous things and chores while the Minions cheer and boo]'' :'''Mel''': MINIONS, NO LE PINYOOF! ''[the Minions all rouse up]'' Pinyoof, pinyoof, pinyoof! :'''Gru''': Guys, listen to me! Read my lips! Leso me lipo! Pomo doro la comquit! :''[The Minions laugh]'' :'''Gru''': What? What did I say? ''[pulls out a Minions language book]'' It's not "comquit"? Ah, okay. Pomo doro la kumquat! :'''Mel''': Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pulisso kumquit parado. Lury para yo. :'''Gru''': Don't take that tone with me! We're not going back to villainy! :'''Mel''': Uh? No pirany? :'''Gru''': Yes! And I don't want to hear another word about it! ''[the Minions all blow raspberries at Gru]'' Look! If you guys don't stop right now, there will be consequences! :'''Mel''': Eh? Poro es me moro! :'''Gru''': Hey, don't say anything you're going to regret! :'''Mel''': Ooh, no re paros! El es quita! Choperu! ''[he and the other Minions leave]'' :'''Gru''': What, you quit? You're serious? Come on! ''[Bob angrily stomps on Mel's Gru hat and leaves with all the Minions... except for Dave and Jerry, who just walked into the room, unaware of what just happened]'' Dave! Jerry! Good news, guys! You've just been promoted! You're in charge now! Huh? Not bad! :'''Dave and Jerry''': ''[whoop excitingly as they tear off their Hawaiian costumes and begin rubbing their butts together]'' ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA! :'''Gru''': Oh... GEESH! <hr width=50%> :'''Officer''': ''[while watching the minions run by]'' What are you doing? Intruders! Intruders! :''[the Officers are right behind the minions with their rabid German Shepherds]'' :'''Officer 1''': There they are! :'''Officer 2''': Stop! :'''Officer 1''': Hey, you! Don’t move! Halt! :'''Minions''': ''[run as the police are right behind them, then they go into a door, the door closes, the police catch up to them]'' :'''Officer 1''': ''[while Officer 2 is panting]'' Call for backup! <hr width="50%"/> :''[In Paris, a luxury car stops outside the museum. A guard opens the door, and a giant chubby man squeezes out of the car. The doors burst open as the man enters]'' :'''Museum Director''': ''Monsieur'' Pompeux! ''[kisses Pompeux's cheeks]'' So, what do we owe the presence of the world's foremost gem expert? :'''Pompeux''': The chief of police sent me. He was censored that during the recent heist attempt, the Dumont Diamond was replaced with a phony. ''[The museum director and his friends gasp. Pompeux enters a room where the Dumont Diamond sits on a pedestal surrounded by lasers. Pompeux snaps his fingers causing the lasers to turn off, examines the diamond with a jeweler's loop, sniffs it with his nose, then licks it with his tongue]'' Ooh-la-la! You have been duped! :'''Museum Director''': What? We have? :'''Pompeux''': Yes. ''[in Bratt's voice]'' BY ''ME''! :''[Darts fire from the loop, knocking out five guards.]'' :'''Museum Director''': What? What is…? ''[A rubber mask of Pompeux's head gets tossed into the museum director's face. He removes it, then gasps]'' Oh, no! Help! ''[As he runs, a sixth dart strikes his butt, and he collapses on the floor. The costume of Pomepeux's body starts to shake as Bratt gets out of it.]'' :''[Bratt hits play on a portable cassette player which [[w:Take on Me|Take on Me]] by [[w:A-ha|A-ha]] plays. A grappling hook fires from the player, crashing through a glass dome in the ceiling, then pops into a disco ball. Bratt attaches the player to his belt, then laughs as he grabs the diamond]'' :'''Bratt''': I've been a bad boy! Or should I say… ''[speaks French, then laughs as he escapes]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': ''[runs over to Agnes after she sells the fluffy unicorn]'' Agnes, what are you doing? You sold your unicorn? :'''Agnes''': Well, I just wanted to help since you don't have a job. I got 2 whole dollars for it! :'''Dave and Jerry''': Aww... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gru''': Wait, what, it's true?! You never told me I had a brother, and you told me that Dad died of disappointment when I was born! :'''Marlena''': Yeah. That was the agreement. :'''Gru''': "Agreement"? What are you talking about?! :'''Marlena''': ''[sighs]'' Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took one son to raise on our own and promised never to see each other again. Obviously, I got second pick. :'''Gru''': I have a brother. <hr width="50%"/> :''' :'''Gru''': No! That's my private part! ''[yelling]'' This pig has issues! :'''Fritz''': Please, come in. :'''Gru''': ''[screaming]'' Whoa! Oh! Ow! Aaaaah! :'''Lucy''': Oh, this is so amazing. It's like the Sistine Chappell! But with pigs. :'''Dru''': ''[laughing]'' My brother! :[He comes the stairs and Gru is amazed] :'''Both''': My brother! :'''Dru''': Gru! :'''Gru''': Dru! :'''Dru''': (he laughing and he takes off his hat and shown his blonde hair that Gru is uncomfortable) Eh… ''[notices Lucy and dances with her]'' You must be the beautiful wife! :'''Lucy''': Beautiful? Oh! ''[Dru twirls her around and catches her; laughs]'' Stop it! ''[tugs Dru's scarf]'' Sweet talker. :'''Dru''': ''[wraps his arm around Gru, with the other still holding Lucy]'' How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? ''[rubs Gru's head]'' I'm joking! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Dru''': So, brother, how are things going for you career-wise? :'''Gru''': ''[laughs nervously]'' Great. So, so great. Crushing it. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Edith and Agnes are at the Tipsy Unicorn tavern. Agnes discovers a real unicorn's horn.]'' :'''Scar-Faced Man''': I'm telling you I saw one once. With my own eye! ''[On 'eye', he bends down toward Agnes' face]'' :'''Agnes''': ''[waving her arms to halt the man]'' Wait, wait, wait. You saw a for-real live '''UNICORN?!''' What did it look like? What do you think?'' ''[gasps] Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? ''[shocks and rages]'' Was it '''''FLUFYYYYYY?!''''' :'''Scar-Faced Man''': It was so fluffy; I thought I was gonna die! :'''Agnes''': Do you think maybe I could find one, too? :'''Scar-Faced Man''': Oh. They say if a maiden pure of heart goes into the Crooked Forest, the unicorn will come and be hers, forever. :''[Agnes holds her breath and starts screaming, causing breaking the window. Lucy heard Agnes screaming] :'''Lucy''': AGNES! [kicks the man, grabbing the man, kicking the man, grabbing the table, kicking the man] Goal! Excuse me. [takes a dart off, putting another on the nose] Girls, don't worry, I'm here. Are you okay? :'''Edith''': Yeah, we're fine. Are you? :'''Agnes''': Unicorns are really real! And I'm gonna find one! :'''Lucy''': Aw. Sorry. Went a little Mama Bear on you. You know, I heard a scream and... Yeah, okay. Have a good one. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lucy''': So... what did you guys do today? :'''Gru and Dru''': ''[lying]'' Nothing! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Margo''': Um... :'''Lucy''': What? :'''Margo''': It's OK to tell them "No" sometimes, too, you know? Moms need to be tough. :'''Lucy''': Right. Tough. I can totally do that! Still figuring out this mom thing. ''[imitates a pirate captain]'' Getting my sea legs, matey. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Dru's doorbell rings. Lucy answers it]'' :'''Lucy''': Hello? ''[sees Niko]'' Oh, hi. :'''Niko''': Hello, mother of Margo. I am Niko. I present you with pig to confirm my engagement to your daughter. :''[The pig squeals]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[laughs]'' Hey, what now? :'''Margo''': What's going on? Go on. :'''Lucy''': Uh, remember Little Boots? :'''Niko''': Hello, my schmoopsie-poo. ''[tries to kiss Margo]'' :'''Margo''': Whoa! Hey! :'''Lucy''': He seems to think you're engaged. ''[laughs]'' :'''Margo''': What? ''[as Niko kisses her hand]'' We're not engaged. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Lucy hears a knock at the door]'' :'''Lucy''': Ugh, here we go. Niko... ''[gasps as she finds Niko standing behind his mother, a woman, holding Niko's brother, a baby]'' :'''Niko's mother''': You! '''''You refuse my son's engagement pig?!''''' :'''Lucy''': What? :'''Niko's mother''': '''''May you and your daughter die a slow death and be buried with onions!''''' ''[spits at Margo, and the baby does the same, much to her shock as she hides behind Lucy]'' :'''Lucy''': Alright, lady, that's it! Nobody, ''nobody'' curses my daughter! You got that? ''[Margo is surprised by how Lucy is defending her]'' Because if you mess with Margo, you mess ''with me''! And I promise you do ''not'' want to mess with me! Do you understand me?! :'''Niko's mother''': Yes, yes. :'''Lucy''': ''[calmly]'' Good. ''[angrily]'' Now, get out! ''[Niko's mother takes her son's hand, and they hurry off. Lucy then turns to Margo, thinking she's still upset with her]'' Look, Margo, I think we just need to-- ''[Margo hugs her tightly. Lucy is startled at first, but hugs her, too]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': ''[takes the Lucy's head disguise off him]'' We're going to Hollywood! ''[laughs while the girls gasp]'' Now, that’s what I call acting. ''[chuckles]'' Let's go, Clive! We've got a giant robot waiting! ''[Clive laughs]'' :''[After having an argument with Dru and Bratt kidnapped the girls, Gru is about to leave out the door when suddenly he hears banging from the closet.]'' :'''Gru''': Huh? ''[opens the closet door and gasps]'' Lucy? ''[finds the real Lucy bound and gagged in the closet then removes the gag from her mouth]'' But... :'''Lucy''': ''[gasps for air]'' Bratt! He took the girls! :'''Gru''': What?! No! :''[Through a window, the jet flies off. Gru watches in horror. Dru, drowning his misery after his argument, eats ice cream as Gru and Lucy approach him.]'' :'''Gru''': Dru! Dru! :'''Dru''': ''[turns away from him]'' Go away! I don't wanna talk to you. :'''Gru''': ''(No, listen.)'' Bratt has the girls! :''[Looking shocked that Bratt kidnap his nieces, Dru stops eating his ice cream, then turns to his brother while gasping. In the sky, Gru flies the rocket jet with Dru and Lucy]'' :'''Gru''': Listen, brother, about what I just said... :'''Dru''': No, I'm the one. :'''Gru''': I shouldn't have... ''[sighs]'' I'm sorry. :'''Dru''': Oh, I'm so sorry, Gru. :'''Lucy''': Aw... Ooh, look out! :'''Gru''': ''[sees a flying machine]'' What is that? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': ''[laughing]'' Hello, Hollywood! ''[on speaker]'' I'm back and bigger than ever. :''[The girls and Lucky are inside the robot's chest]'' :'''Agnes''': ''[whimpering]'' Whoa! I'm scared! :'''Celebrity''': Thank you. Thank you so… Oh! ''[spots the robot as the people flee]'' No! No! No, you can’t leave me here! I’m famous! :'''Bratt''': ''[laughing]'' Clive, arm the cannons. ''[Gum launchers appear on the robot's shoulder pads]'' Chew on this! :''[As gum launches from the launchers, they become bubbles, covering the city. People scream and run around in panic. The robot steps over a woman, who screams.]'' :'''Edith''': Hey, mullet-head, let us out! :'''Bratt''': Oh, don't worry, girls, I've prepared a front row seat for you. ''[flips a switch, and a panel opens on the robot's chest. The girls scream as a platform slides them and Lucky onto the robot's hand. The robot drops the girls and Lucky on the ledge of a tall building. Agnes screams as she hangs on for dear life]'' :'''Margo''': Agnes! :''[Margo and Edith help her up]'' :'''Bratt''': Once again, I win, and Gru loses! Enjoy the show, girls! :''[As the robot walks off, the girls' gape at the gum. The rocket jet arrives]'' :'''Gru''': What in the heck? :'''Lucy''': Oh! I hope the girls are okay! :'''Dru''': Bratt! Bratt at 9 o'clock! No, ''3'' o'clock! He's on the left! :''[The robot is nearby]'' :'''Dru''': ''[gasps]'' No, I've seen this episode! He's gonna bubblegum the whole city and send it up into space! :'''Lucy''': ''[gasps]'' Hurry! :''[Dru yelps.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Dru disabled the robot, Gru, regaining consciousness, gapes]'' :'''Gru''': <big>'''''DRU!!!'''''</big> ''[runs over to the wreckage]'' Hold on! I'm coming! ''[looks up to see Bratt looking furious at him]'' :'''Bratt''': You've ruined everything! And now, it's time to die! Any last words, Gru? :'''Gru''': You know what? I've got two words for you. "Dance fight"! ''[starts dancing as "[[w:Into the Groove|Into the Groove]]" by [[Madonna]] plays]'' :'''Bratt''': Oh, it is on like [[w:Donkey Kong|Donkey Kong]]! I'm gonna enjoy this! :''[Bratt and Gru start to dance fight]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Bratt''': ''[last words]'' Game over! ''[laughs evilly as he tries to reach for his keytar, but realizes that it's gone]'' :'''Gru''': ''[to Bratt, who has got Bratt's keytar]'' Is this what you're looking for? :'''Bratt''': <big>'''''NO!!!'''''</big> ''[Gru blasts energy at him by music playing with Money for Nothing by Dire Straits.]'' No! Ow! No! Whoa! Aaaah! ''[The blast blows off Bratt's clothes]'' <big>'''''WAAAAAAAAAAAH!!'''''</big> ''[and he tumbles backwards.]'' Ah! Oh! Whoa! No! ''[Dangling upside down from a bubble of gum, he floats away]'' <big>'''''NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!'''''</big> ''[Gru drops the keytar, then walks off.]'' Curse you, Gru! ''[Due to him being upside down, he bumps his head into an Onions billboard as Anti-Villain League helicopters fly over to him]'' D'oh! Curse you! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Agnes called Lucy "mom"]'' :'''Lucy''': I'm a mom. I'm a mom! :''[Lucy gets excited as she runs off]'' == Cast == * [[w:Steve Carell|Steve Carell]] — [[w:Gru|Gru]] * [[w:Kristen Wiig|Kristen Wiig]] — Lucy Wilde * [[w:Trey Parker|Trey Parker]] — Balthazar Bratt * [[w:Miranda Cosgrove|Miranda Cosgrove]] — Margo * [[w:Dana Gaier|Dana Gaier]] — Edith * Nev Scharrel — Agnes ** [[w:Elsie Fisher|Elsie Fisher]] (previously) * [[w:Pierre Coffin|Pierre Coffin]] — Mel the Minion, Dave the Minion, Jerry the Minion, Other Minions, Museum Director * [[Steve Coogan]] — Silas Ramsbottom, Fritz * [[Julie Andrews]] — Marlena Gru * [[w:Jenny Slate|Jenny Slate]] — Valerie da Vinci * [[w:Andy Nyman|Andy Nyman]] — Clive the Robot ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=3469046|title=Despicable Me 3}} {{Despicable Me}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2017 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2017 American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:American sequel films]] [[Category:Despicable Me]] [[Category:Animated films about revenge]] [[Category:Films about twins]] [[Category:Films about vacationing]] [[Category:Films set in a fictional country]] [[Category:Animated films set in Los Angeles]] 7816ery9md9j7knj97c8z47dlr0a4xr 0 197454 3954345 3919221 2026-06-19T02:47:12Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Amos Hackshaw */ 3954345 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Cast a Deadly Spell}}''''' is a {{w|1991 in film|1991}} {{w|comedy horror}} [[w:detective fiction|detective]] film set in a fantastical 40's where magic is used by everyone, and a hard-boiled detective investigates the theft of a mystical tome. :''Directed by {{w|Martin Campbell}}. Written by {{w|Joseph Dougherty}}.'' == Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft == * ''[voice-over]'' Bradbury was right... there's bad and there's bad. But what I walked into when I left that night made all the magic and witchcraft I'd seen up 'til then look like a sideshow. My name's Lovecraft... and I'm the guy who knows. Just about the only guy who knows it all... who's still breathing. It started that night and it started with a woman. It always starts with a woman. * ''[voice-over]'' I was tired as hell, but I could afford to be tired now... now that it was over. Over for a lot of people... for Locksteader, Willis, Hackshaw and Borden... and all over for Connie. I needed it to be morning... I wanted to hear doors open and cars start and human voices talking about baseball and the weather. I wanted to make sure that there were still folks out there facing life with nothing up their sleeves but their arms. They didn't know it yet, but they had a better shot at happiness and a fair shake today than they did yesterday. 'Cause today... I've got the Book. == Amos Hackshaw == * ''[summoning a Lovecraftian entity]'' From the wells of night to the gulfs of space, ever the praises of great [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]], of [[w:Tsathoggua|Tsathoggua]], and of [[w:Hastur|Him Who is Not Named]]. Ever praises of abundance to the Black Goat of the Woods, [[w:Shub-Niggurath|Shub-Niggurath]], the Goat With a Thousand Young, for thou has seen the dark universe yawning, the lost place where black planets roll without aim. Too long have thou dwelt in that cold captivity beyond the mercy of time. The way is clear. Return. And rule. [[w:List of Cthulhu Mythos deities#Yog-Sothoth|Yog-Sothoth]] is the key and the guardian of the gate. He knows where the Old Ones have trod Earth's fields and that they will tread once more. Sorcerer, emissary, changeling, outsider. Thou art the whisper in the dark, for a million years the voice in Man's ear. Seducer, shaper of foul deed and betrayal. All was prelude and preparation. We empty our hearts in your name! Teacher, master, complete us! The things inside become the things outside! The waiting ends and the journey begins! Consume the darkness between the dimensions! Cross the gulf with a single stride! Here on this threshold is placed a gift. This is my gift. Come forth and receive it! Stars align! Space folds! A thousand worlds merge in a single instant! Crack the band of formlessness! Take shape and come forth! == Other == * '''Hypolite''': If you were sensitive at all, the air would crackle in your ears like wax paper. Things are in flux. The auras are bad. Me, I'm going to Florida. == Dialogue == :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Do you realize how long they've waited for me? Centuries! Millennia! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How long is that in dog years? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': ''[Lovecraft has just proved that he uses no magic talismans]'' It's true... no tokens, no fetishes... nothing. You really don't use anything... any magic, that is. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just like I told you on the phone. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': You don't believe in magic? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I believe it, just don't use it. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal reasons. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': And they are? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': I'm serious! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then why do you wear that hat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[to his female client, whom the police have just arrested]'' Sorry, angel, but I don't play the sap for anybody. Bad for business. :'''Det. Otto Grimaldi''': Hey, Lovecraft... too bad you're losing out on your fee! With a client like this, maybe you already collected... up ''front'', if you know what I mean. :''[she glares at him, then decks him with a punch that knocks him to the ground]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[arriving on the scene]'' Get up, Grimaldi... people'll think you've never been socked by a dame before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[Lovecraft shows Bradbury a voodoo doll]'' What's this? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's the murder weapon. Well, Bradbury, at least she found a nice clean way to bump him off. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Time was you had to look a man in the eye before you could kill him... you owed him that. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah, now with the miracle know-how you can do it by tying six knots in a piece of string. Ain't modern living grand? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Magic... gives me the shakes what you can buy in this town. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Well, they said it would make things easier. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': And it has. :''[they watch the body being loaded into the ambulance]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Phil, this doesn't have to be a trip to the dentist. Like I say, we've got no beef with you. Fella's partner goes bad, goes on the take, that happens. ''You'' are square with us... just because Harry Borden-... :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't need a history lesson! :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Someone's throwing lesser demons at you, black magic from the Pit of Asagoth, and you don't even carry a rabbit's foot! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I can handle it. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Well, I'm not worried about you, Phil... I'm worried about the people who might get in the way. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How is it? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Bad. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's always bad. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': There's bad and then there's bad. Something's coming, something ugly. And it's guys like me got to clean up the mess. Now I got enough to worry about, Phil, so do us both a favor... watch your back. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': I heard something about you at the club. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Such as? :'''Connie Stone''': You don't use magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You heard right. :'''Connie Stone''': How do you expect to get out of dumps like this if you don't start playing the game? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Seems to me we've already had this discussion. :'''Connie Stone''': Everybody uses magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't. :'''Connie Stone''': What have you got to show for it? Fly-specked office, a broken-down car and an ugly necktie, that's what all this integrity buys you. Damn it, everybody's got to compromise. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': That's what I keep hearing. :'''Connie Stone''': And what makes you so special? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What makes me special is that I'm my own man. When I started out, I said there were things I would do and things I wouldn't do. Lot of guys start like that and a lot of them sell out along the way, but the more who fall, the easier it gets. See, look... everybody compromises, everybody cheats, everybody uses magic. So they empty ideals out of their pockets and get on with the job of sticking it to their neighbor before they stick it to them. That's the way it's done. To which I say "nuts." My collar may be a little frayed, maybe I need a shoeshine, but nobody's got a mortgage on my soul. I own it, free and clear. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm not gonna apologize for my life. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Didn't ask you to. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm happy the way things are. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Glad to hear it. :'''Connie Stone''': You've got to look ahead. You can't drag around the past. There's nothing you can do about it. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Sounds like you have a real good grip on things. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[a few moments of silence]'' Why did you have to walk back into my life? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Why did you walk out of mine? :'''Connie Stone''': Because you're a wiseacre son of a bitch who doesn't know which way the wind is blowing. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': And? :'''Connie Stone''': And did you really remember the sound of my breathing? :''[Lovecraft takes Connie in his arms and they kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Borden's zombie enforcer]'' What happened to your regular leg-breakers? :'''Harry Bordon''': Progress. :'''Tugwell''': Zombies don't eat, don't complain... :'''Harry Bordon''': Don't get ideas. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Don't they start to smell after a while? :'''Tugwell''': They're good for three months, depending on the weather. Then they begin to rot. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then what? :'''Harry Bordon''': Then you get some more. Thirty bucks a head, come fresh from the West Indies, six to a box. :'''Tugwell''': Like bon-bons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You'd better take that blouse off. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Oh... why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You can't get blood stains like that out after they set. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Well, after the hunt I usually just take all my clothes off and burn them. You have to be naked for the ceremony. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Oh yeah? What ceremony's that? :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Tribute to Diana, Goddess of the Hunt. Would you like to watch? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks, but I'm supposed to get my teeth cleaned this afternoon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[in Bradbury's office]'' I used to hate your guts... you know that, don't you? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You told me often enough. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Now you're about the only man in this town I can trust. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Gosh, Bradbury... I didn't know you cared. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': It's just you're the only guy now walking around without a magic wand up his ass. I got vampires in West Hollywood, salamanders coming out of the fire hydrants in Santa Monica, black rain, red rain, hail the size of your fist. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Magic is the way of the future. You wouldn't want to buck the future, would you, Bradbury? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': If this is the future, ''[he slams his office door shut]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': I'll take vanilla. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[ordering a drink at Borden's club]'' Bourbon. Show it some water, but be discreet. :'''Bartender''': ''[grins]'' Like an orchid in the moonlight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': The wheel has turned. Yog-Sothoth knows the Gate. That is the promise of the Necromnomicon. Open the Gate, let the Old Ones back in and they will make you a god. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Ooohhh, you get to be a god. What does Harry get? :'''Harry Bordon''': Tell him. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': For services rendered, Mr. Borden gets to be Ruler of the World. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What kind of world? :'''Amos Hackshaw''': A world of the unburied dead, and a sky dark with ashes. A blasted, maimed planet. But he'll be the most important person in it. :'''Harry Bordon''': How do you like them apples partner, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Amos Hackshaw]'' But you know the thing that kills me is how out of the whole phone book he had the dumb luck to pick you. Maybe it wasn't luck, partner... maybe it's fate. :'''Harry Bordon''': Thought you didn't believe in that stuff. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What I don't believe in is unfinished business! Took this to get us face to face so we could settle accounts! :'''Harry Bordon''': Oh, we'll settle up, you bet we will. No more Lovecraft, no more waking up with the shakes thinking about you hovering over me like some goddamn angel. No more. :''[he grabs Lovecraft by his shirtfront and pulls him nose-to nose, snarling]'' You're going to be dead, Lovecraft! I'm gonna be on top of the world! That should settle things once and for all about who was smart and who was a chump! I'm gonna be immortal... and I'm gonna wear your head for a watch-fob! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': ''[Lovecraft joins her in the car's back seat after it's all over]'' How's the hand? :'''Connie Stone''': Broken. What's going on? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just missed the fuck that saved the world. :'''Connie Stone''': I miss everything. I even missed being a god. ''[pause]'' What happens now? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Grimaldi takes you in for killing Borden. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[pause]'' We were a hell of a team, you and me. We still could be. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Maybe someday. :'''Connie Stone''': Phil? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah? :'''Connie Stone''': Kiss me before I faint. == Cast == *{{w|Fred Ward}} – Harry Philip Lovecraft (same initials as [[Howard Phillips Lovecraft]]) *{{w|Julianne Moore}} – Connie Stone *[[w:David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] – Amos Hackshaw *{{w|Alexandra Powers}} – Olivia Hackshaw *[[Clancy Brown]] – Harry Bordon *{{w|Charles Hallahan}} - Detective Morris Bradbury *{{w|Arnetia Walker}} - Hypolite Kropotkin *{{w|Raymond O'Connor}} - Tugwell *Peter Allas - Detective Otto Grimaldi *{{w|Lee Tergesen}} - Larry Willis/Lilly Sirwar *Michael Reid MacKay - Gargoyle *{{w|Curt Sobel}} - Band Leader == External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0101550}} * {{amg movie|id=8560|title=Cast a Deadly Spell}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|cast_a_deadly_spell|Cast a Deadly Spell}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Neo-noir]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:LGBT-related films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] dvq999b3d7ufmp7i0pdh816sdt72j5b 3954346 3954345 2026-06-19T02:47:25Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Amos Hackshaw */ 3954346 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Cast a Deadly Spell}}''''' is a {{w|1991 in film|1991}} {{w|comedy horror}} [[w:detective fiction|detective]] film set in a fantastical 40's where magic is used by everyone, and a hard-boiled detective investigates the theft of a mystical tome. :''Directed by {{w|Martin Campbell}}. Written by {{w|Joseph Dougherty}}.'' == Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft == * ''[voice-over]'' Bradbury was right... there's bad and there's bad. But what I walked into when I left that night made all the magic and witchcraft I'd seen up 'til then look like a sideshow. My name's Lovecraft... and I'm the guy who knows. Just about the only guy who knows it all... who's still breathing. It started that night and it started with a woman. It always starts with a woman. * ''[voice-over]'' I was tired as hell, but I could afford to be tired now... now that it was over. Over for a lot of people... for Locksteader, Willis, Hackshaw and Borden... and all over for Connie. I needed it to be morning... I wanted to hear doors open and cars start and human voices talking about baseball and the weather. I wanted to make sure that there were still folks out there facing life with nothing up their sleeves but their arms. They didn't know it yet, but they had a better shot at happiness and a fair shake today than they did yesterday. 'Cause today... I've got the Book. == Amos Hackshaw == * ''[summoning a Lovecraftian entity]'' From the wells of night to the gulfs of space, ever the praises of great [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]], of [[w:Tsathoggua|Tsathoggua]], and of [[w:Hastur|Him Who is Not Named]]. Ever praises in abundance to the Black Goat of the Woods, [[w:Shub-Niggurath|Shub-Niggurath]], the Goat With a Thousand Young, for thou has seen the dark universe yawning, the lost place where black planets roll without aim. Too long have thou dwelt in that cold captivity beyond the mercy of time. The way is clear. Return. And rule. [[w:List of Cthulhu Mythos deities#Yog-Sothoth|Yog-Sothoth]] is the key and the guardian of the gate. He knows where the Old Ones have trod Earth's fields and that they will tread once more. Sorcerer, emissary, changeling, outsider. Thou art the whisper in the dark, for a million years the voice in Man's ear. Seducer, shaper of foul deed and betrayal. All was prelude and preparation. We empty our hearts in your name! Teacher, master, complete us! The things inside become the things outside! The waiting ends and the journey begins! Consume the darkness between the dimensions! Cross the gulf with a single stride! Here on this threshold is placed a gift. This is my gift. Come forth and receive it! Stars align! Space folds! A thousand worlds merge in a single instant! Crack the band of formlessness! Take shape and come forth! == Other == * '''Hypolite''': If you were sensitive at all, the air would crackle in your ears like wax paper. Things are in flux. The auras are bad. Me, I'm going to Florida. == Dialogue == :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Do you realize how long they've waited for me? Centuries! Millennia! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How long is that in dog years? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': ''[Lovecraft has just proved that he uses no magic talismans]'' It's true... no tokens, no fetishes... nothing. You really don't use anything... any magic, that is. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just like I told you on the phone. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': You don't believe in magic? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I believe it, just don't use it. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal reasons. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': And they are? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': I'm serious! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then why do you wear that hat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[to his female client, whom the police have just arrested]'' Sorry, angel, but I don't play the sap for anybody. Bad for business. :'''Det. Otto Grimaldi''': Hey, Lovecraft... too bad you're losing out on your fee! With a client like this, maybe you already collected... up ''front'', if you know what I mean. :''[she glares at him, then decks him with a punch that knocks him to the ground]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[arriving on the scene]'' Get up, Grimaldi... people'll think you've never been socked by a dame before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[Lovecraft shows Bradbury a voodoo doll]'' What's this? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's the murder weapon. Well, Bradbury, at least she found a nice clean way to bump him off. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Time was you had to look a man in the eye before you could kill him... you owed him that. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah, now with the miracle know-how you can do it by tying six knots in a piece of string. Ain't modern living grand? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Magic... gives me the shakes what you can buy in this town. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Well, they said it would make things easier. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': And it has. :''[they watch the body being loaded into the ambulance]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Phil, this doesn't have to be a trip to the dentist. Like I say, we've got no beef with you. Fella's partner goes bad, goes on the take, that happens. ''You'' are square with us... just because Harry Borden-... :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't need a history lesson! :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Someone's throwing lesser demons at you, black magic from the Pit of Asagoth, and you don't even carry a rabbit's foot! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I can handle it. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Well, I'm not worried about you, Phil... I'm worried about the people who might get in the way. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How is it? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Bad. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's always bad. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': There's bad and then there's bad. Something's coming, something ugly. And it's guys like me got to clean up the mess. Now I got enough to worry about, Phil, so do us both a favor... watch your back. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': I heard something about you at the club. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Such as? :'''Connie Stone''': You don't use magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You heard right. :'''Connie Stone''': How do you expect to get out of dumps like this if you don't start playing the game? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Seems to me we've already had this discussion. :'''Connie Stone''': Everybody uses magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't. :'''Connie Stone''': What have you got to show for it? Fly-specked office, a broken-down car and an ugly necktie, that's what all this integrity buys you. Damn it, everybody's got to compromise. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': That's what I keep hearing. :'''Connie Stone''': And what makes you so special? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What makes me special is that I'm my own man. When I started out, I said there were things I would do and things I wouldn't do. Lot of guys start like that and a lot of them sell out along the way, but the more who fall, the easier it gets. See, look... everybody compromises, everybody cheats, everybody uses magic. So they empty ideals out of their pockets and get on with the job of sticking it to their neighbor before they stick it to them. That's the way it's done. To which I say "nuts." My collar may be a little frayed, maybe I need a shoeshine, but nobody's got a mortgage on my soul. I own it, free and clear. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm not gonna apologize for my life. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Didn't ask you to. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm happy the way things are. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Glad to hear it. :'''Connie Stone''': You've got to look ahead. You can't drag around the past. There's nothing you can do about it. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Sounds like you have a real good grip on things. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[a few moments of silence]'' Why did you have to walk back into my life? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Why did you walk out of mine? :'''Connie Stone''': Because you're a wiseacre son of a bitch who doesn't know which way the wind is blowing. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': And? :'''Connie Stone''': And did you really remember the sound of my breathing? :''[Lovecraft takes Connie in his arms and they kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Borden's zombie enforcer]'' What happened to your regular leg-breakers? :'''Harry Bordon''': Progress. :'''Tugwell''': Zombies don't eat, don't complain... :'''Harry Bordon''': Don't get ideas. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Don't they start to smell after a while? :'''Tugwell''': They're good for three months, depending on the weather. Then they begin to rot. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then what? :'''Harry Bordon''': Then you get some more. Thirty bucks a head, come fresh from the West Indies, six to a box. :'''Tugwell''': Like bon-bons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You'd better take that blouse off. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Oh... why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You can't get blood stains like that out after they set. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Well, after the hunt I usually just take all my clothes off and burn them. You have to be naked for the ceremony. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Oh yeah? What ceremony's that? :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Tribute to Diana, Goddess of the Hunt. Would you like to watch? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks, but I'm supposed to get my teeth cleaned this afternoon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[in Bradbury's office]'' I used to hate your guts... you know that, don't you? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You told me often enough. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Now you're about the only man in this town I can trust. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Gosh, Bradbury... I didn't know you cared. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': It's just you're the only guy now walking around without a magic wand up his ass. I got vampires in West Hollywood, salamanders coming out of the fire hydrants in Santa Monica, black rain, red rain, hail the size of your fist. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Magic is the way of the future. You wouldn't want to buck the future, would you, Bradbury? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': If this is the future, ''[he slams his office door shut]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': I'll take vanilla. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[ordering a drink at Borden's club]'' Bourbon. Show it some water, but be discreet. :'''Bartender''': ''[grins]'' Like an orchid in the moonlight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': The wheel has turned. Yog-Sothoth knows the Gate. That is the promise of the Necromnomicon. Open the Gate, let the Old Ones back in and they will make you a god. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Ooohhh, you get to be a god. What does Harry get? :'''Harry Bordon''': Tell him. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': For services rendered, Mr. Borden gets to be Ruler of the World. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What kind of world? :'''Amos Hackshaw''': A world of the unburied dead, and a sky dark with ashes. A blasted, maimed planet. But he'll be the most important person in it. :'''Harry Bordon''': How do you like them apples partner, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Amos Hackshaw]'' But you know the thing that kills me is how out of the whole phone book he had the dumb luck to pick you. Maybe it wasn't luck, partner... maybe it's fate. :'''Harry Bordon''': Thought you didn't believe in that stuff. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What I don't believe in is unfinished business! Took this to get us face to face so we could settle accounts! :'''Harry Bordon''': Oh, we'll settle up, you bet we will. No more Lovecraft, no more waking up with the shakes thinking about you hovering over me like some goddamn angel. No more. :''[he grabs Lovecraft by his shirtfront and pulls him nose-to nose, snarling]'' You're going to be dead, Lovecraft! I'm gonna be on top of the world! That should settle things once and for all about who was smart and who was a chump! I'm gonna be immortal... and I'm gonna wear your head for a watch-fob! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': ''[Lovecraft joins her in the car's back seat after it's all over]'' How's the hand? :'''Connie Stone''': Broken. What's going on? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just missed the fuck that saved the world. :'''Connie Stone''': I miss everything. I even missed being a god. ''[pause]'' What happens now? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Grimaldi takes you in for killing Borden. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[pause]'' We were a hell of a team, you and me. We still could be. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Maybe someday. :'''Connie Stone''': Phil? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah? :'''Connie Stone''': Kiss me before I faint. == Cast == *{{w|Fred Ward}} – Harry Philip Lovecraft (same initials as [[Howard Phillips Lovecraft]]) *{{w|Julianne Moore}} – Connie Stone *[[w:David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] – Amos Hackshaw *{{w|Alexandra Powers}} – Olivia Hackshaw *[[Clancy Brown]] – Harry Bordon *{{w|Charles Hallahan}} - Detective Morris Bradbury *{{w|Arnetia Walker}} - Hypolite Kropotkin *{{w|Raymond O'Connor}} - Tugwell *Peter Allas - Detective Otto Grimaldi *{{w|Lee Tergesen}} - Larry Willis/Lilly Sirwar *Michael Reid MacKay - Gargoyle *{{w|Curt Sobel}} - Band Leader == External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0101550}} * {{amg movie|id=8560|title=Cast a Deadly Spell}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|cast_a_deadly_spell|Cast a Deadly Spell}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Neo-noir]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:LGBT-related films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] hgnxa8nvz7ryzlalfqfxqv4kgn4p8vn 3954347 3954346 2026-06-19T02:47:38Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Amos Hackshaw */ 3954347 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Cast a Deadly Spell}}''''' is a {{w|1991 in film|1991}} {{w|comedy horror}} [[w:detective fiction|detective]] film set in a fantastical 40's where magic is used by everyone, and a hard-boiled detective investigates the theft of a mystical tome. :''Directed by {{w|Martin Campbell}}. Written by {{w|Joseph Dougherty}}.'' == Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft == * ''[voice-over]'' Bradbury was right... there's bad and there's bad. But what I walked into when I left that night made all the magic and witchcraft I'd seen up 'til then look like a sideshow. My name's Lovecraft... and I'm the guy who knows. Just about the only guy who knows it all... who's still breathing. It started that night and it started with a woman. It always starts with a woman. * ''[voice-over]'' I was tired as hell, but I could afford to be tired now... now that it was over. Over for a lot of people... for Locksteader, Willis, Hackshaw and Borden... and all over for Connie. I needed it to be morning... I wanted to hear doors open and cars start and human voices talking about baseball and the weather. I wanted to make sure that there were still folks out there facing life with nothing up their sleeves but their arms. They didn't know it yet, but they had a better shot at happiness and a fair shake today than they did yesterday. 'Cause today... I've got the Book. == Amos Hackshaw == * ''[summoning a Lovecraftian entity]'' From the wells of night to the gulfs of space, ever the praises of great [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]], of [[w:Tsathoggua|Tsathoggua]], and of [[w:Hastur|Him Who is Not Named]]. Ever praises in abundance to the Black Goat of the Woods, [[w:Shub-Niggurath|Shub-Niggurath]], the Goat With a Thousand Young, for thou has seen the dark universe yawning, the lost place where black planets roll without aim. Too long have thou dwelt in that cold captivity beyond the mercy of time. The way is clear. Return, and rule. [[w:List of Cthulhu Mythos deities#Yog-Sothoth|Yog-Sothoth]] is the key and the guardian of the gate. He knows where the Old Ones have trod Earth's fields and that they will tread once more. Sorcerer, emissary, changeling, outsider. Thou art the whisper in the dark, for a million years the voice in Man's ear. Seducer, shaper of foul deed and betrayal. All was prelude and preparation. We empty our hearts in your name! Teacher, master, complete us! The things inside become the things outside! The waiting ends and the journey begins! Consume the darkness between the dimensions! Cross the gulf with a single stride! Here on this threshold is placed a gift. This is my gift. Come forth and receive it! Stars align! Space folds! A thousand worlds merge in a single instant! Crack the band of formlessness! Take shape and come forth! == Other == * '''Hypolite''': If you were sensitive at all, the air would crackle in your ears like wax paper. Things are in flux. The auras are bad. Me, I'm going to Florida. == Dialogue == :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Do you realize how long they've waited for me? Centuries! Millennia! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How long is that in dog years? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': ''[Lovecraft has just proved that he uses no magic talismans]'' It's true... no tokens, no fetishes... nothing. You really don't use anything... any magic, that is. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just like I told you on the phone. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': You don't believe in magic? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I believe it, just don't use it. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal reasons. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': And they are? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': I'm serious! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then why do you wear that hat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[to his female client, whom the police have just arrested]'' Sorry, angel, but I don't play the sap for anybody. Bad for business. :'''Det. Otto Grimaldi''': Hey, Lovecraft... too bad you're losing out on your fee! With a client like this, maybe you already collected... up ''front'', if you know what I mean. :''[she glares at him, then decks him with a punch that knocks him to the ground]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[arriving on the scene]'' Get up, Grimaldi... people'll think you've never been socked by a dame before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[Lovecraft shows Bradbury a voodoo doll]'' What's this? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's the murder weapon. Well, Bradbury, at least she found a nice clean way to bump him off. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Time was you had to look a man in the eye before you could kill him... you owed him that. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah, now with the miracle know-how you can do it by tying six knots in a piece of string. Ain't modern living grand? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Magic... gives me the shakes what you can buy in this town. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Well, they said it would make things easier. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': And it has. :''[they watch the body being loaded into the ambulance]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Phil, this doesn't have to be a trip to the dentist. Like I say, we've got no beef with you. Fella's partner goes bad, goes on the take, that happens. ''You'' are square with us... just because Harry Borden-... :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't need a history lesson! :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Someone's throwing lesser demons at you, black magic from the Pit of Asagoth, and you don't even carry a rabbit's foot! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I can handle it. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Well, I'm not worried about you, Phil... I'm worried about the people who might get in the way. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How is it? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Bad. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's always bad. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': There's bad and then there's bad. Something's coming, something ugly. And it's guys like me got to clean up the mess. Now I got enough to worry about, Phil, so do us both a favor... watch your back. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': I heard something about you at the club. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Such as? :'''Connie Stone''': You don't use magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You heard right. :'''Connie Stone''': How do you expect to get out of dumps like this if you don't start playing the game? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Seems to me we've already had this discussion. :'''Connie Stone''': Everybody uses magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't. :'''Connie Stone''': What have you got to show for it? Fly-specked office, a broken-down car and an ugly necktie, that's what all this integrity buys you. Damn it, everybody's got to compromise. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': That's what I keep hearing. :'''Connie Stone''': And what makes you so special? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What makes me special is that I'm my own man. When I started out, I said there were things I would do and things I wouldn't do. Lot of guys start like that and a lot of them sell out along the way, but the more who fall, the easier it gets. See, look... everybody compromises, everybody cheats, everybody uses magic. So they empty ideals out of their pockets and get on with the job of sticking it to their neighbor before they stick it to them. That's the way it's done. To which I say "nuts." My collar may be a little frayed, maybe I need a shoeshine, but nobody's got a mortgage on my soul. I own it, free and clear. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm not gonna apologize for my life. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Didn't ask you to. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm happy the way things are. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Glad to hear it. :'''Connie Stone''': You've got to look ahead. You can't drag around the past. There's nothing you can do about it. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Sounds like you have a real good grip on things. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[a few moments of silence]'' Why did you have to walk back into my life? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Why did you walk out of mine? :'''Connie Stone''': Because you're a wiseacre son of a bitch who doesn't know which way the wind is blowing. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': And? :'''Connie Stone''': And did you really remember the sound of my breathing? :''[Lovecraft takes Connie in his arms and they kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Borden's zombie enforcer]'' What happened to your regular leg-breakers? :'''Harry Bordon''': Progress. :'''Tugwell''': Zombies don't eat, don't complain... :'''Harry Bordon''': Don't get ideas. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Don't they start to smell after a while? :'''Tugwell''': They're good for three months, depending on the weather. Then they begin to rot. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then what? :'''Harry Bordon''': Then you get some more. Thirty bucks a head, come fresh from the West Indies, six to a box. :'''Tugwell''': Like bon-bons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You'd better take that blouse off. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Oh... why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You can't get blood stains like that out after they set. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Well, after the hunt I usually just take all my clothes off and burn them. You have to be naked for the ceremony. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Oh yeah? What ceremony's that? :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Tribute to Diana, Goddess of the Hunt. Would you like to watch? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks, but I'm supposed to get my teeth cleaned this afternoon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[in Bradbury's office]'' I used to hate your guts... you know that, don't you? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You told me often enough. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Now you're about the only man in this town I can trust. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Gosh, Bradbury... I didn't know you cared. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': It's just you're the only guy now walking around without a magic wand up his ass. I got vampires in West Hollywood, salamanders coming out of the fire hydrants in Santa Monica, black rain, red rain, hail the size of your fist. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Magic is the way of the future. You wouldn't want to buck the future, would you, Bradbury? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': If this is the future, ''[he slams his office door shut]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': I'll take vanilla. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[ordering a drink at Borden's club]'' Bourbon. Show it some water, but be discreet. :'''Bartender''': ''[grins]'' Like an orchid in the moonlight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': The wheel has turned. Yog-Sothoth knows the Gate. That is the promise of the Necromnomicon. Open the Gate, let the Old Ones back in and they will make you a god. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Ooohhh, you get to be a god. What does Harry get? :'''Harry Bordon''': Tell him. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': For services rendered, Mr. Borden gets to be Ruler of the World. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What kind of world? :'''Amos Hackshaw''': A world of the unburied dead, and a sky dark with ashes. A blasted, maimed planet. But he'll be the most important person in it. :'''Harry Bordon''': How do you like them apples partner, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Amos Hackshaw]'' But you know the thing that kills me is how out of the whole phone book he had the dumb luck to pick you. Maybe it wasn't luck, partner... maybe it's fate. :'''Harry Bordon''': Thought you didn't believe in that stuff. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What I don't believe in is unfinished business! Took this to get us face to face so we could settle accounts! :'''Harry Bordon''': Oh, we'll settle up, you bet we will. No more Lovecraft, no more waking up with the shakes thinking about you hovering over me like some goddamn angel. No more. :''[he grabs Lovecraft by his shirtfront and pulls him nose-to nose, snarling]'' You're going to be dead, Lovecraft! I'm gonna be on top of the world! That should settle things once and for all about who was smart and who was a chump! I'm gonna be immortal... and I'm gonna wear your head for a watch-fob! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': ''[Lovecraft joins her in the car's back seat after it's all over]'' How's the hand? :'''Connie Stone''': Broken. What's going on? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just missed the fuck that saved the world. :'''Connie Stone''': I miss everything. I even missed being a god. ''[pause]'' What happens now? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Grimaldi takes you in for killing Borden. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[pause]'' We were a hell of a team, you and me. We still could be. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Maybe someday. :'''Connie Stone''': Phil? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah? :'''Connie Stone''': Kiss me before I faint. == Cast == *{{w|Fred Ward}} – Harry Philip Lovecraft (same initials as [[Howard Phillips Lovecraft]]) *{{w|Julianne Moore}} – Connie Stone *[[w:David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] – Amos Hackshaw *{{w|Alexandra Powers}} – Olivia Hackshaw *[[Clancy Brown]] – Harry Bordon *{{w|Charles Hallahan}} - Detective Morris Bradbury *{{w|Arnetia Walker}} - Hypolite Kropotkin *{{w|Raymond O'Connor}} - Tugwell *Peter Allas - Detective Otto Grimaldi *{{w|Lee Tergesen}} - Larry Willis/Lilly Sirwar *Michael Reid MacKay - Gargoyle *{{w|Curt Sobel}} - Band Leader == External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0101550}} * {{amg movie|id=8560|title=Cast a Deadly Spell}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|cast_a_deadly_spell|Cast a Deadly Spell}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Neo-noir]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:LGBT-related films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] j5q22atzxrx639qxapwof29zc66a81b 3954348 3954347 2026-06-19T02:49:20Z ~2026-35055-39 3342024 /* Dialogue */ 3954348 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Cast a Deadly Spell}}''''' is a {{w|1991 in film|1991}} {{w|comedy horror}} [[w:detective fiction|detective]] film set in a fantastical 40's where magic is used by everyone, and a hard-boiled detective investigates the theft of a mystical tome. :''Directed by {{w|Martin Campbell}}. Written by {{w|Joseph Dougherty}}.'' == Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft == * ''[voice-over]'' Bradbury was right... there's bad and there's bad. But what I walked into when I left that night made all the magic and witchcraft I'd seen up 'til then look like a sideshow. My name's Lovecraft... and I'm the guy who knows. Just about the only guy who knows it all... who's still breathing. It started that night and it started with a woman. It always starts with a woman. * ''[voice-over]'' I was tired as hell, but I could afford to be tired now... now that it was over. Over for a lot of people... for Locksteader, Willis, Hackshaw and Borden... and all over for Connie. I needed it to be morning... I wanted to hear doors open and cars start and human voices talking about baseball and the weather. I wanted to make sure that there were still folks out there facing life with nothing up their sleeves but their arms. They didn't know it yet, but they had a better shot at happiness and a fair shake today than they did yesterday. 'Cause today... I've got the Book. == Amos Hackshaw == * ''[summoning a Lovecraftian entity]'' From the wells of night to the gulfs of space, ever the praises of great [[w:Cthulhu|Cthulhu]], of [[w:Tsathoggua|Tsathoggua]], and of [[w:Hastur|Him Who is Not Named]]. Ever praises in abundance to the Black Goat of the Woods, [[w:Shub-Niggurath|Shub-Niggurath]], the Goat With a Thousand Young, for thou has seen the dark universe yawning, the lost place where black planets roll without aim. Too long have thou dwelt in that cold captivity beyond the mercy of time. The way is clear. Return, and rule. [[w:List of Cthulhu Mythos deities#Yog-Sothoth|Yog-Sothoth]] is the key and the guardian of the gate. He knows where the Old Ones have trod Earth's fields and that they will tread once more. Sorcerer, emissary, changeling, outsider. Thou art the whisper in the dark, for a million years the voice in Man's ear. Seducer, shaper of foul deed and betrayal. All was prelude and preparation. We empty our hearts in your name! Teacher, master, complete us! The things inside become the things outside! The waiting ends and the journey begins! Consume the darkness between the dimensions! Cross the gulf with a single stride! Here on this threshold is placed a gift. This is my gift. Come forth and receive it! Stars align! Space folds! A thousand worlds merge in a single instant! Crack the band of formlessness! Take shape and come forth! == Other == * '''Hypolite''': If you were sensitive at all, the air would crackle in your ears like wax paper. Things are in flux. The auras are bad. Me, I'm going to Florida. == Dialogue == :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Do you realize how long they've waited for me? Centuries! Millennia! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How long is that in dog years? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': ''[Lovecraft has just proved that he uses no magic talismans]'' It's true... no tokens, no fetishes... nothing. You really don't use anything... any magic, that is. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just like I told you on the phone. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': You don't believe in magic? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I believe it, just don't use it. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': Why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal reasons. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': And they are? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Personal. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': I'm serious! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then why do you wear that hat? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[to his female client, whom the police have just arrested]'' Sorry, angel, but I don't play the sap for anybody. Bad for business. :'''Det. Otto Grimaldi''': Hey, Lovecraft... too bad you're losing out on your fee! With a client like this, maybe you already collected... up ''front'', if you know what I mean. :''[she glares at him, then decks him with a punch that knocks him to the ground]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[arriving on the scene]'' Get up, Grimaldi... people'll think you've never been socked by a dame before. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[Lovecraft shows Bradbury a voodoo doll]'' What's this? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's the murder weapon. Well, Bradbury, at least she found a nice clean way to bump him off. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Time was you had to look a man in the eye before you could kill him... you owed him that. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah, now with the miracle know-how you can do it by tying six knots in a piece of string. Ain't modern living grand? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Magic... gives me the shakes what you can buy in this town. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Well, they said it would make things easier. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': And it has. :''[they watch the body being loaded into the ambulance]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Phil, this doesn't have to be a trip to the dentist. Like I say, we've got no beef with you. Fella's partner goes bad, goes on the take, that happens. ''You'' are square with us... just because Harry Borden-... :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't need a history lesson! :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Someone's throwing lesser demons at you, black magic from the Pit of Asagoth, and you don't even carry a rabbit's foot! :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I can handle it. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Well, I'm not worried about you, Phil... I'm worried about the people who might get in the way. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': How is it? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Bad. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': It's always bad. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': There's bad and then there's bad. Something's coming, something ugly. And it's guys like me got to clean up the mess. Now I got enough to worry about, Phil, so do us both a favor... watch your back. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': I heard something about you at the club. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Such as? :'''Connie Stone''': You don't use magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You heard right. :'''Connie Stone''': How do you expect to get out of dumps like this if you don't start playing the game? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Seems to me we've already had this discussion. :'''Connie Stone''': Everybody uses magic. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': I don't. :'''Connie Stone''': What have you got to show for it? Fly-specked office, a broken-down car and an ugly necktie, that's what all this integrity buys you. Damn it, everybody's got to compromise. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': That's what I keep hearing. :'''Connie Stone''': And what makes you so special? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What makes me special is that I'm my own man. When I started out, I said there were things I would do and things I wouldn't do. Lot of guys start like that and a lot of them sell out along the way, but the more who fall, the easier it gets. See, look... everybody compromises, everybody cheats, everybody uses magic. So they empty ideals out of their pockets and get on with the job of sticking it to their neighbor before they stick it to them. That's the way it's done. To which I say "nuts." My collar may be a little frayed, maybe I need a shoeshine, but nobody's got a mortgage on my soul. I own it, free and clear. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm not gonna apologize for my life. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Didn't ask you to. :'''Connie Stone''': I'm happy the way things are. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Glad to hear it. :'''Connie Stone''': You've got to look ahead. You can't drag around the past. There's nothing you can do about it. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Sounds like you have a real good grip on things. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[a few moments of silence]'' Why did you have to walk back into my life? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Why did you walk out of mine? :'''Connie Stone''': Because you're a wiseacre son of a bitch who doesn't know which way the wind is blowing. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': And? :'''Connie Stone''': And did you really remember the sound of my breathing? :''[Lovecraft takes Connie in his arms and they kiss]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Borden's zombie enforcer]'' What happened to your regular leg-breakers? :'''Harry Bordon''': Progress. :'''Tugwell''': Zombies don't eat, don't complain... :'''Harry Bordon''': Don't get ideas. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Don't they start to smell after a while? :'''Tugwell''': They're good for three months, depending on the weather. Then they begin to rot. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Then what? :'''Harry Bordon''': Then you get some more. Thirty bucks a head, come fresh from the West Indies, six to a box. :'''Tugwell''': Like bon-bons. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You'd better take that blouse off. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Oh... why? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You can't get blood stains like that out after they set. :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Well, after the hunt I usually just take all my clothes off and burn them. You have to be naked for the ceremony. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Oh yeah? What ceremony's that? :'''Olivia Hackshaw''': Tribute to Diana, Goddess of the Hunt. Would you like to watch? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Thanks, but I'm supposed to get my teeth cleaned this afternoon. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': ''[in Bradbury's office]'' I used to hate your guts... you know that, don't you? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': You told me often enough. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': Now you're about the only man in this town I can trust. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Gosh, Bradbury... I didn't know you cared. :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': It's just you're the only guy now walking around without a magic wand up his ass. I got vampires in West Hollywood, salamanders coming out of the fire hydrants in Santa Monica, black rain, red rain, hail the size of your fist. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Magic is the way of the future. You wouldn't want to buck the future, would you, Bradbury? :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': If this is the future, ''[he slams his office door shut]'' :'''Det. Morris Bradbury''': I'll take vanilla. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[ordering a drink at Borden's club]'' Bourbon. Show it some water, but be discreet. :'''Bartender''': ''[grins]'' Like an orchid in the moonlight. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Amos Hackshaw''': The wheel has turned. Yog-Sothoth knows the Gate. That is the promise of the ''[[w:Necronomicon|Necronomicon]]''. Open the Gate, let the Old Ones back in and they will make you a god. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Ooohhh, you get to be a god. What does Harry get? :'''Harry Bordon''': Tell him. :'''Amos Hackshaw''': For services rendered, Mr. Borden gets to be ruler of the world. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What kind of world? :'''Amos Hackshaw''': A world of the unburied dead, and a sky dark with ashes. A blasted, maimed planet. But he'll be the most important person in it. :'''Harry Bordon''': How do you like them apples, partner, huh? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': ''[referring to Amos Hackshaw]'' But you know the thing that kills me is how out of the whole phone book he had the dumb luck to pick you. Maybe it wasn't luck, partner... maybe it's fate. :'''Harry Bordon''': Thought you didn't believe in that stuff. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': What I don't believe in is unfinished business! Took this to get us face to face so we could settle accounts! :'''Harry Bordon''': Oh, we'll settle up, you bet we will. No more Lovecraft, no more waking up with the shakes thinking about you hovering over me like some goddamn angel. No more. ''[grabs Lovecraft by his shirtfront and pulls him nose-to nose, snarling]'' You're going to be dead, Lovecraft! I'm gonna be on top of the world! That should settle things once and for all about who was smart and who was a chump! I'm gonna be immortal... and I'm gonna wear your head for a watch-fob! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Connie Stone''': ''[Lovecraft joins her in the car's back seat after it's all over]'' How's the hand? :'''Connie Stone''': Broken. What's going on? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Just missed the fuck that saved the world. :'''Connie Stone''': I miss everything. I even missed being a god. ''[pause]'' What happens now? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Grimaldi takes you in for killing Borden. :'''Connie Stone''': ''[pause]'' We were a hell of a team, you and me. We still could be. :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Maybe someday. :'''Connie Stone''': Phil? :'''Det. Harry Philip Lovecraft''': Yeah? :'''Connie Stone''': Kiss me before I faint. == Cast == *{{w|Fred Ward}} – Harry Philip Lovecraft (same initials as [[Howard Phillips Lovecraft]]) *{{w|Julianne Moore}} – Connie Stone *[[w:David Warner (actor)|David Warner]] – Amos Hackshaw *{{w|Alexandra Powers}} – Olivia Hackshaw *[[Clancy Brown]] – Harry Bordon *{{w|Charles Hallahan}} - Detective Morris Bradbury *{{w|Arnetia Walker}} - Hypolite Kropotkin *{{w|Raymond O'Connor}} - Tugwell *Peter Allas - Detective Otto Grimaldi *{{w|Lee Tergesen}} - Larry Willis/Lilly Sirwar *Michael Reid MacKay - Gargoyle *{{w|Curt Sobel}} - Band Leader == External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0101550}} * {{amg movie|id=8560|title=Cast a Deadly Spell}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|cast_a_deadly_spell|Cast a Deadly Spell}} [[Category:1991 films]] [[Category:1990s American films]] [[Category:Comedy horror films]] [[Category:Mystery films]] [[Category:Supernatural horror films]] [[Category:Neo-noir]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:LGBT-related films]] [[Category:Films set in Los Angeles]] [[Category:Films about witchcraft]] cqzf4imaqatbxmelymal8ev1njfqhc2 0 203475 3954216 3860688 2026-06-18T17:25:14Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Uganda]]; +[[Category:Women engineers from Uganda]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Uganda]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954216 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Winnie Byanyima, directrice exécutive d'Oxfam international (cropped).jpg|thumb|The [[billionaire]] boom is not a sign of a thriving [[economy]] but a symptom of a failing [[economic system]].]] '''[[w:Winnie Byanyima|Winifred Byanyima]]''' (born 13 January 1959) is a [[Ugandan]]-born [[aeronautical engineer]], politician, and diplomat. She is the {{w|executive director}} of [[w:Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS|UNAIDS]], effective November 2019. Before that, served as the executive director of {{w|Oxfam International}}, to which she was appointed in May 2013. Also, she served as the director of the Gender Team in the Bureau for Development Policy at the {{w|United Nations Development Programme}} (UNDP) from 2006. {{Political-stub}} {{Engineer-stub}} ==Quotes== * '''The [[billionaire]] boom is not a sign of a thriving [[economy]] but a symptom of a failing [[economic system]]. The [[people]] who make our [[clothes]], assemble our [[phones]] and grow our [[food]] are [[Sweatshop|being exploited]] to ensure a steady supply of cheap [[goods]], and swell the [[profits]] of [[corporations]] and billionaire [[investors]].''' ** [https://www.oxfam.org/en/pressroom/pressreleases/2018-01-22/richest-1-percent-bagged-82-percent-wealth-created-last-year Richest 1 percent bagged 82 percent of wealth created last year - poorest half of humanity got nothing], {{w|Oxfam International}} (22 January 2018) * It’s hard to find a [[Politician|political]] or [[Businessperson|business leader]] who doesn’t say they are worried about [[inequality]]. It’s even harder to find one who is doing something about it. Many are actively making things worse by [[W:Tax cut|slashing taxes]] and scrapping {{w|labor rights}}. ** [https://www.oxfam.org/en/pressroom/pressreleases/2018-01-22/richest-1-percent-bagged-82-percent-wealth-created-last-year Richest 1 percent bagged 82 percent of wealth created last year - poorest half of humanity got nothing], {{w|Oxfam International}} (22 January 2018) * People are ready for [[change]]. They want to see [[workers]] paid a {{w|living wage}}; they want [[corporations]] and the {{w|super-rich}} to pay more [[tax]]; they want [[W:Women's rights#Equal employment|women workers to enjoy the same rights as men]]; they want a limit on the power and the wealth which sits in the hands of so few. They want action. ** [https://www.oxfam.org/en/pressroom/pressreleases/2018-01-22/richest-1-percent-bagged-82-percent-wealth-created-last-year Richest 1 percent bagged 82 percent of wealth created last year - poorest half of humanity got nothing], {{w|Oxfam International}} (22 January 2018) * As the Executive Director of UNAIDS, I lead the work of the [[United Nations]] to tackle [[HIV/AIDS|AIDS]]. I’m also someone who has lost family members to AIDS. This is personal. Both my own family experience and our [[w:Collective consciousness|collective experience]] at the United Nations have highlighted the same key lesson: '''the struggle to beat AIDS is inseparable from the struggle for [[women’s rights]] and from the struggle against all forms of [[discrimination]]. AIDS can be beaten, but it will only be beaten if we take on the [[Social justice|social]] and [[w:Economic justice|economic]] injustices that perpetuate it and spur more scientific innovations to address the real needs of women and girls and people living with and vulnerable to HIV.''' ** Press statement on the {{w|Zero Discrimination Day}}, ''[https://www.unaids.org/en/resources/presscentre/pressreleaseandstatementarchive/2020/march/2020-zdd-exd-message Message from the UNAIDS Executive Director on Zero Discrimination Day and International Women’s Day]'', ''[[w:Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS|UNAIDS]]'' * Worldwide, AIDS remains the biggest killer of [[Women and HIV/AIDS|women]] aged 15–49 years. To end AIDS by 2030, we must end [[gender-based violence]], inequality and insecurity and we must ensure that [[women]] and girls have equal access to education, health and employment. We need to [[w:Social transformation|transform our societies]] so that no one is [[w:Second-class citizen|second class]] and everyone’s [[human rights]] are respected. AIDS cannot be beaten while [[w:Social exclusion|marginalized communities]], including [[LGBT|lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex]] people, people who inject drugs and sex workers, live in fear of the state or of socially sanctioned violence and abuse. Beating AIDS depends on tackling all forms of discrimination. I want to thank all the brave and determined [[w:Social justice#Social justice movements|social justice movements]] who are the true leaders in this work. I salute you. ** Press statement on the {{w|Zero Discrimination Day}}, ''[https://www.unaids.org/en/resources/presscentre/pressreleaseandstatementarchive/2020/march/2020-zdd-exd-message Message from the UNAIDS Executive Director on Zero Discrimination Day and International Women’s Day]'', ''[[w:Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS|UNAIDS]]'' * [[Feminism]], human rights and zero discrimination are values deeply rooted across the world: they express our humanity, our recognition that I am because you are. And they are central to the struggle to beat AIDS. Let us beat AIDS. It can be done. ** Press statement on the {{w|Zero Discrimination Day}}, ''[https://www.unaids.org/en/resources/presscentre/pressreleaseandstatementarchive/2020/march/2020-zdd-exd-message Message from the UNAIDS Executive Director on Zero Discrimination Day and International Women’s Day]'', ''[[w:Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS|UNAIDS]]'' * Those are the jobs we've been told about, that globalization is bringing jobs. The quality of the jobs matter. It matters. These are not jobs of dignity. In many countries, workers no longer have a voice. They are not allowed to unionize, they are not allowed to negotiate for salaries. So we're talking about jobs, but jobs that bring dignity. We're talking about health care. The World Bank has told us that 3.4 billion people who earn $5.50 a day are on the verge, are just a medical bill away from sinking into poverty. They don't have health care. They are just a crop failure away from sinking back into poverty. They don't have crop insurance. '''So don't tell me about low levels of unemployment. You are counting the wrong things. You're not counting dignity of people. You're counting exploited people.''' ** Spoken at the [[w:World Economic Forum|World Economic Forum]] in [[w:Davos|Davos]], 2019 [https://web.archive.org/web/20220428034729/https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=paaen3b44XY] *When the world’s richest 1% own as much as the poorest 50%, we have a problem. [https://www.bookey.app/quote-author/winnie-byanyima] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category|Winnie Byanyima}} * [https://www.oxfam.org/en/winnie-byanyima-biography Winnie Byanyima, Biography] | {{w|Oxfam International}} {{Authority control}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Byanyima, Winnie}} [[Category:Women politicians in Uganda]] [[Category:Aerospace engineers]] [[Category:Aviators]] [[Category:Political leaders]] [[Category:Diplomats of Uganda]] [[Category:Ambassadors]] [[Category:1959 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:United Nations officials]] [[Category:Soldiers]] [[Category:Revolutionaries]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:HIV/AIDS activists]] [[Category:Women aviators]] [[Category:Women activists from Uganda]] [[Category:Women engineers from Uganda]] iua7b2pr58inns5c9v7pbbdftua8eph 0 208529 3954214 3877348 2026-06-18T17:21:14Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from England]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954214 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Josephine Butler.jpg|thumb|Josephine Butler by George Richmond, 1851]] '''[[w:Josephine Butler|Josephine Elizabeth Butler]]''' (''nee'' '''Grey'''; 13 April 1828&nbsp;– 30 December 1906) was an English [[w:feminism|feminist]] and [[w:social reform|social reform]]er in the [[w:Victorian era|Victorian era]]. She campaigned for [[w:women's suffrage|women's suffrage]], the right of women to better education, the end of [[w:coverture|coverture]] in British law, the abolition of [[w:child prostitution|child prostitution]], and an end to [[w:human trafficking|human trafficking]] of young women and children into European [[w:prostitution|prostitution]]. {{women-stub}} ==Quotes== *I became possessed with an irresistible desire to go forth and find some pain keener than my own — to meet with people more unhappy than myself (for I knew there were thousands of such). I did not exaggerate my own trial; I only knew that my heart ached night and day, and that the only solace possible would seem to be to find other hearts which ached night and day, and with more reason than mine. I had no clear idea beyond that, no plan for helping others; my sole wish was to plunge into the heart of some human misery, and to say (as I now knew I could) to afflicted people, "I understand. I, too, have suffered." **Butler on her reason for getting involved in controversial social campaigns after the accidental death of her young daughter in 1864 (1890)<ref>https://archive.org/details/recollectionsofg00butluoft/page/182/mode/2up?view=theater</ref> *We read of strong men bowed down with woe, weeping as women weep, turning homewards in the hear-sickness of unavailing search, or with a certainty worse than suspense. **"The Lovers of the Lost," ''The Contemporary Review'' 13 (1870)<ref>https://attackingthedevil.co.uk/related/lovers.php</ref> * It is well that we should understand clearly the illegal character of the Acts we oppose. I have been the more deeply impressed with the importance of this aspect of the matter, by reading the almost universal and powerful testimony of our great lawyers and historians to the danger of introducing, in any single instance, a lax, vicious, or unjust principle into our criminal code, and to the moral and social evils which such an introduction necessarily involves. Niebuhr, De Tocqueville, Guizot, Hallam, Lieber, Creasy, Mackintosh, Blackstone, and a host of others, have again and again pointed out that upon the justice and purity of the penal legislation of a country the political wellbeing of that country mainly depends. [...]<br>...when it comes to a matter of such awful seriousness as that of a woman’s honour, involving loss of character, which character is often, to a poor woman, her sole earthly property, her only possession and capital; involving, moreover, the penalties of personal assault, of a nature inadmissible hitherto in law even in the case of proved outrageous guilt; of imprisonment and of public registration as an infamous person; when it comes to this, I say, it is an awful thing to put the accusation in the power of the executive — that executive being the secret police, paid by the State, for the sole business of detecting and hunting down suspected or unchaste women. Again, the evil is aggravated by the fact that no other witness to the guilt of the woman is required, except the government spy, and that he, by this law, is not required to bring forward any overt act on the part of his prisoner, or one iota of positive proof, but is only required to believe and swear that the woman has a certain purpose or intention. **From a speech against the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contagious%20Diseases%20Acts Contagious Diseases Acts] at Craigie Hall, Edinburgh, Scotland (24 Feb 1871) <ref>https://archive.org/details/b21450171/mode/2up</ref> *Hearing, one day, that a poor young girl of her acquaintance had been enticed to a fashionable house of ill-fame, she ran to the place, entered the house, and claimed the girl. She found there several gentlemen of the Court, whom she rebuked with a severity, the justice of which they confessed by sudden and precipitate flight; she then took the young girl by the hand and led her from the abode of shame. **"Some Thoughts on the Present Aspect of the Crusade," Liverpool (1874)<ref>https://attackingthedevil.co.uk/related/thoughts.php</ref> *We all feel now that the time is come when we must appeal to the judgement of the public, so as to bring the condemnation of public opinion to bear upon these men, seeing that our laws give us no hold whatever upon them, and are not likely to do, so long as our legislators continue to refuse us the small boon we ask — legal protection for the young up to the age of 16. **Butler on the campaign to raise the age of consent in England for girls from 12 to 16 (c.1885)<ref>https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-advertiser/180505253/</ref> *Those who have read the ''Pall Mall Gazette'' are aware that a "Secret Commission" was formed of persons who had sufficient courage and Christian charity to "descend into hell" for the salvation of the victims of organized vice, and for the exposure and rebuke of the crimes perpetuated in that "Inferno." ... In the course of our terrible researches, we came daily across immoral agents who were offering innocent little girls for sale. We intercepted some such, and in the good purpose and motive of proving the facility of with which such children can be bought for diabolical purposes, ''we ourselves bought children''. **Excerpt from a letter to the Winchester ''Observer and Country News'' (15 Aug 1885)<ref>https://www.newspapers.com/article/evening-sentinel/180504265/</ref> * Mr. Justice Lopes: Why did you refuse information to the police?<br>Butler: I always refuse information to the police. (Laughter)<br>Lopes: That quite answers my question, I admit. (Laughter) I hope if you always refuse information to the police, you do not refuse it to the law.<br>Butler: No, I do not. (Laughter) **A back-and-forth with the judge during Butler's testimony in the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eliza%20Armstrong%20case Eliza Armstrong case], as quoted in ''The Birmingham Press'' (3 Nov 1885) <ref>https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-birmingham-post/180492547/</ref> *It is a fact, that numbers even of moral and religious people have permitted themselves to accept and condone in man what is fiercely condemned in woman. **"The Double Standard of Morality," ''The Philanthropist'' (Oct 1886)<ref>https://attackingthedevil.co.uk/related/morality.php</ref> *I was in Ireland during that famine year. As a young girl I had no conception of the full meaning of the misery I saw around me, yet it printed itself upon my brain and memory. I can recollect being awakened in the early morning by a strange sound like the croaking or chattering of many birds. Some of the voices were hoarse and almost extinguished by the faintness of famine; and on looking out of my window I recollect seeing the garden and fields in front of the house completely darkened with a population of men, women, and children squatting, in rags; uncovered skeleton limbs protruding everywhere from their wretched clothing, and clamorous, though faint voices uplifted for food... **"Our Christianity Tested by the Irish Question" (1887)<ref>https://www.google.com/books/edition/Our_Christianity_Tested_by_the_Irish_Que/AI-j-Cgt96YC?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA44&printsec=frontcover</ref> *This one object and work of my life (the promotion of purity) is now sought to be be discredited for the first time by well-known leaders of women's movements. It is openly opposed by Lady Henry Somerset, who has, as you are aware, put forward a scheme for the regulation of male and female irregularity which goes beyond the Contagious Diseases Act formerly in force in England in immorality and indelicacy. [...] There is war now between women and women, and we are coming into searching and sifting times — times in which our personal likings and even strong friendships may have to give way before the winnowing blast which shall separate the wavering from the steadfast in this righteous work. **A letter from Butler to attendees at the fourth international convention of the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woman%27s_Christian_Temperance_Union Woman's Christian Temperance Union] in Toronto, Canada (Oct 1897)<ref>https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-evening-star/180498264/</ref> *I saw the whole intent and purpose of our grand Constitution was to assure to each man, and equally to each woman, the full recognition of individual rights... I used to pass whole nights without sleep, thinking and mourning over the whole question. **Quoted by ''The Daily Telegraph'' in Butler's obituary (2 Jan 1907)<ref>https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-daily-telegraph/180499520/</ref> ==About Josephine Butler== * She won enormous support over the years from individual politicians, radicals and medical people, but also became the target of violent hatred. There were several lucrative brothels in Liverpool and those who profited did not take kindly to Butler's interference in their trade. She was once pelted with cow dung by pimps at a rally she was addressing. Another time, a group of men smashed the windows of a hotel where she was staying, trying to get to her and threatening to set it on fire. * In 1880 Butler turned her attention to child prostitution, and was instrumental in the campaign to raise the age of consent from 12 to 16 to protect girls from sexual abuse. ** [[Julie Bindel]] [https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2006/sep/21/art1 "A heroine for our age"], ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2006) ** On Butler's campaigns against prostitution, then legal in the UK. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Butler, Josephine}} [[Category:1828 births]] [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Social activists]] [[Category:Women activists from England]] [[Category:Women authors from England]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] fy6fsgt0zouh7myxtft9pfmmxcw1fnu 3954215 3954214 2026-06-18T17:23:24Z UDScott 4304 3954215 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Josephine Butler.jpg|thumb|Josephine Butler by George Richmond, 1851]] '''[[w:Josephine Butler|Josephine Elizabeth Butler]]''' (''nee'' '''Grey'''; 13 April 1828&nbsp;– 30 December 1906) was an English [[w:feminism|feminist]] and [[w:social reform|social reform]]er in the [[w:Victorian era|Victorian era]]. She campaigned for [[w:women's suffrage|women's suffrage]], the right of women to better education, the end of [[w:coverture|coverture]] in British law, the abolition of [[w:child prostitution|child prostitution]], and an end to [[w:human trafficking|human trafficking]] of young women and children into European [[w:prostitution|prostitution]]. ==Quotes== *I became possessed with an irresistible desire to go forth and find some pain keener than my own — to meet with people more unhappy than myself (for I knew there were thousands of such). I did not exaggerate my own trial; I only knew that my heart ached night and day, and that the only solace possible would seem to be to find other hearts which ached night and day, and with more reason than mine. I had no clear idea beyond that, no plan for helping others; my sole wish was to plunge into the heart of some human misery, and to say (as I now knew I could) to afflicted people, "I understand. I, too, have suffered." **Butler on her reason for getting involved in controversial social campaigns after the accidental death of her young daughter in 1864 (1890) [https://archive.org/details/recollectionsofg00butluoft/page/182/mode/2up?view=theater] *We read of strong men bowed down with woe, weeping as women weep, turning homewards in the hear-sickness of unavailing search, or with a certainty worse than suspense. **"The Lovers of the Lost," ''The Contemporary Review'' 13 (1870) [https://attackingthedevil.co.uk/related/lovers.php] * It is well that we should understand clearly the illegal character of the Acts we oppose. I have been the more deeply impressed with the importance of this aspect of the matter, by reading the almost universal and powerful testimony of our great lawyers and historians to the danger of introducing, in any single instance, a lax, vicious, or unjust principle into our criminal code, and to the moral and social evils which such an introduction necessarily involves. Niebuhr, De Tocqueville, Guizot, Hallam, Lieber, Creasy, Mackintosh, Blackstone, and a host of others, have again and again pointed out that upon the justice and purity of the penal legislation of a country the political wellbeing of that country mainly depends. [...]<br>...when it comes to a matter of such awful seriousness as that of a woman’s honour, involving loss of character, which character is often, to a poor woman, her sole earthly property, her only possession and capital; involving, moreover, the penalties of personal assault, of a nature inadmissible hitherto in law even in the case of proved outrageous guilt; of imprisonment and of public registration as an infamous person; when it comes to this, I say, it is an awful thing to put the accusation in the power of the executive — that executive being the secret police, paid by the State, for the sole business of detecting and hunting down suspected or unchaste women. Again, the evil is aggravated by the fact that no other witness to the guilt of the woman is required, except the government spy, and that he, by this law, is not required to bring forward any overt act on the part of his prisoner, or one iota of positive proof, but is only required to believe and swear that the woman has a certain purpose or intention. **From a speech against the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contagious%20Diseases%20Acts Contagious Diseases Acts] at Craigie Hall, Edinburgh, Scotland (24 Feb 1871) [https://archive.org/details/b21450171/mode/2up] *Hearing, one day, that a poor young girl of her acquaintance had been enticed to a fashionable house of ill-fame, she ran to the place, entered the house, and claimed the girl. She found there several gentlemen of the Court, whom she rebuked with a severity, the justice of which they confessed by sudden and precipitate flight; she then took the young girl by the hand and led her from the abode of shame. **"Some Thoughts on the Present Aspect of the Crusade," Liverpool (1874) [https://attackingthedevil.co.uk/related/thoughts.php] *We all feel now that the time is come when we must appeal to the judgement of the public, so as to bring the condemnation of public opinion to bear upon these men, seeing that our laws give us no hold whatever upon them, and are not likely to do, so long as our legislators continue to refuse us the small boon we ask — legal protection for the young up to the age of 16. **Butler on the campaign to raise the age of consent in England for girls from 12 to 16 (c.1885) [https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-advertiser/180505253/] *Those who have read the ''Pall Mall Gazette'' are aware that a "Secret Commission" was formed of persons who had sufficient courage and Christian charity to "descend into hell" for the salvation of the victims of organized vice, and for the exposure and rebuke of the crimes perpetuated in that "Inferno." ... In the course of our terrible researches, we came daily across immoral agents who were offering innocent little girls for sale. We intercepted some such, and in the good purpose and motive of proving the facility of with which such children can be bought for diabolical purposes, ''we ourselves bought children''. **Excerpt from a letter to the Winchester ''Observer and Country News'' (15 Aug 1885) [https://www.newspapers.com/article/evening-sentinel/180504265/] * Mr. Justice Lopes: Why did you refuse information to the police?<br>Butler: I always refuse information to the police. (Laughter)<br>Lopes: That quite answers my question, I admit. (Laughter) I hope if you always refuse information to the police, you do not refuse it to the law.<br>Butler: No, I do not. (Laughter) **A back-and-forth with the judge during Butler's testimony in the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eliza%20Armstrong%20case Eliza Armstrong case], as quoted in ''The Birmingham Press'' (3 Nov 1885) [https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-birmingham-post/180492547/] *It is a fact, that numbers even of moral and religious people have permitted themselves to accept and condone in man what is fiercely condemned in woman. **"The Double Standard of Morality," ''The Philanthropist'' (Oct 1886) [https://attackingthedevil.co.uk/related/morality.php] *I was in Ireland during that famine year. As a young girl I had no conception of the full meaning of the misery I saw around me, yet it printed itself upon my brain and memory. I can recollect being awakened in the early morning by a strange sound like the croaking or chattering of many birds. Some of the voices were hoarse and almost extinguished by the faintness of famine; and on looking out of my window I recollect seeing the garden and fields in front of the house completely darkened with a population of men, women, and children squatting, in rags; uncovered skeleton limbs protruding everywhere from their wretched clothing, and clamorous, though faint voices uplifted for food... **"Our Christianity Tested by the Irish Question" (1887) [https://www.google.com/books/edition/Our_Christianity_Tested_by_the_Irish_Que/AI-j-Cgt96YC?hl=en&gbpv=1&pg=PA44&printsec=frontcover] *This one object and work of my life (the promotion of purity) is now sought to be be discredited for the first time by well-known leaders of women's movements. It is openly opposed by Lady Henry Somerset, who has, as you are aware, put forward a scheme for the regulation of male and female irregularity which goes beyond the Contagious Diseases Act formerly in force in England in immorality and indelicacy. [...] There is war now between women and women, and we are coming into searching and sifting times — times in which our personal likings and even strong friendships may have to give way before the winnowing blast which shall separate the wavering from the steadfast in this righteous work. **A letter from Butler to attendees at the fourth international convention of the [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woman%27s_Christian_Temperance_Union Woman's Christian Temperance Union] in Toronto, Canada (Oct 1897) [https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-evening-star/180498264/] *I saw the whole intent and purpose of our grand Constitution was to assure to each man, and equally to each woman, the full recognition of individual rights... I used to pass whole nights without sleep, thinking and mourning over the whole question. **Quoted by ''The Daily Telegraph'' in Butler's obituary (2 Jan 1907) [https://www.newspapers.com/article/the-daily-telegraph/180499520/] ==About Josephine Butler== * She won enormous support over the years from individual politicians, radicals and medical people, but also became the target of violent hatred. There were several lucrative brothels in Liverpool and those who profited did not take kindly to Butler's interference in their trade. She was once pelted with cow dung by pimps at a rally she was addressing. Another time, a group of men smashed the windows of a hotel where she was staying, trying to get to her and threatening to set it on fire. * In 1880 Butler turned her attention to child prostitution, and was instrumental in the campaign to raise the age of consent from 12 to 16 to protect girls from sexual abuse. ** [[Julie Bindel]] [https://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2006/sep/21/art1 "A heroine for our age"], ''The Guardian'' (21 September 2006) ** On Butler's campaigns against prostitution, then legal in the UK. == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Butler, Josephine}} [[Category:1828 births]] [[Category:1906 births]] [[Category:Feminists from England]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Social activists]] [[Category:Women activists from England]] [[Category:Women authors from England]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]] [[Category:Anglicans from the United Kingdom]] adzq9wcnq2jhjn9xax09xczjt8ul8co 0 208614 3954323 3949018 2026-06-18T23:16:32Z ~2026-23592-14 3311603 3954323 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Amazing Panda Adventure|The Amazing Panda Adventure]]''''' is a 1995 family adventure film about a 10-year-old [[w:United States|American]] boy called Ryan Tyler (played by Ryan Slater), who travels to [[China]] and has to take a panda cub to the reserve so it can reunite with its mother. This film was distributed by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros. Pictures]] under their [[w:Warner Bros. Family Entertainment|Warner Bros. Family Entertainment]] label. In theaters, the [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] short, "[[Carrotblanca]]", was shown before the film. :''Directed by [[w:Christopher Cain|Christopher Cain]]. Produced by [[w:Lee Rich|Lee Rich]], John Wilcox, Gary Foster and Dylan Sellers. Story by John Wilcox and Steven Alldredge.'' ==Ryan Tyler== * I've seen naked women before. A, I have cable TV. B, I just happen to be quite a lady's man. * Relax, I'm an American. My life revolves around electronics. I think I can handle it. ==Dialogue== :''[Spring recess has arrived, and with it, the trip Ryan has been dreading for weeks. Of course, he hasn't warned anyone how much he dreads it. You aren't supposed to refuse something as special as a trip to China. You aren't supposed to refuse the opportunity to see your father for the first time in two years]'' :''[It is two o'clock in the morning, and the flight is less than a dozen hours aside. Ryan lays in his bed wide awake in his dark bedroom with a flashlight in his hands. The beam of light is aimed at the ceiling, which his father has long ago painted dark blue. Over the blue, he's painted all the major constellations of stars in yellow. Then that lying in bed is sort of like camping out and staring up at the stars]'' :''[Ryan looks up at them, feeling a mixture of fear and despair. So long, Gemini, he thinks. Farewell, Orion, and thank riddance. Toodle-oo, Big Dipper, don't spill anything while I'm gone. See you soon, Ursa Minor....Little Bear...]'' :''[Ryan yawns and flicks off the flashlight. It is much no use and he has to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he will begin a trip that will take more than twenty-four hours to finish]'' :''[Halfway around the world, deep in the panda reserve, Ryan's father, Dr. Michael Tyler, creeps through the underbrush of vines and bamboo shoots, following a fifteen-year-old Chinese girl named Ling]'' :'''Michael''': Well? :'''Ling''': Close, I think. :'''Michael''': You think? :'''Ling''': Many go their entire life without seeing a panda in the wild. :'''Michael''': Well, if we don't see one soon, it's going to be too late. :'''Ling''': Shush! ''[She holds a finger to her lips and points ahead. Michael crawls up behind her and squints. Through a thick patch of bamboo, he can see a clearing]'' Listen. :''[Michael holds his breath and hears a faint crunching sound. A chill runs through him. He's heard the sound before in zoos and in the enclosures back at the reserve headquarters. It is the sound of a panda grinding mature bamboo in its powerful jaws. Few creatures in the world has jaws powerful enough, or a stomach hard enough, to consume almost rock-hard bamboo]'' :''[Ling starts to crawl forward and Michael follows. Despite being more than twice her age, he trusts her immediately. At fifteen, Ling knows the forest better than he will ever know it]'' :''[Once again, Ling stops in her tracks. This time she reaches for a long narrow tube she carried in her day pack. Michael knows at once what that means. He stops and waits while Ling presses one end of the tube to her lips and aims]'' :''[The sound of her exhaling breaks the silence. It is followed by an alarmed yelp and a soft scraping sound, as if something are trying to drag itself across the ground. Eventually, Michael hears a thud]'' :''[Ling turns toward him and nods in agreement. Then she swiftly stands and goes forward through the undergrowth. Dr. Tyler stands up and follows. Ahead, he catches a glimpse of something black and white lying on the ground. They've gotten one]'' :''[She is a completely grown female, probably close to three hundred pounds, lying on her stomach with her legs splayed out like a huge stuffed bear. Michael swiftly pulls off his pack and takes out a camera as well as a chart and tape measure. He photographs and measures her, but checks her ears and eyes. Meanwhile, Ling strokes her gently on the head]'' :'''Ling''': She is so beautiful. :''[Michael takes a white leather collar out of the bag. Attached to it is a transmitter about the size of a pack of cigarettes]'' :'''Michael''': Now we'll be able to keep track of her. ''[A small red light on the collar blinks on and off]'' :''[Ling points at the creature's chest]'' :'''Ling:''' Dr. Tyler, look! :''[Michael looks down and sees a thin stream of translucent white liquid]'' :'''Michael''': Either she's pregnant or she's just had a cub. ''[As his eyes sweep around, they catch Ling staring at him, her face filled with emotion]'' :'''Ling''': Do you know what this means? :''[Michael nods slowly, trying not to reveal the emotion he also feels]'' :'''Michael''': Only if it's real and we can prove it. Only then do we have a chance to keep this reserve open! <hr width=50%> :''[Ryan and his mother enter the airport terminal. Each of them holds one handle of Ryan's dark green duffel bag. They dodge people lugging bags and mothers with shrieking children. Ryan can't help thinking about what lays ahead. As usual, his mother is acting fairly neurotic, but it doesn't really distract him]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': I sewed name tags in all your underwear. :''[Ryan can feel his doubts about this entire fashion starting to well up uncontrollably]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I was thinking.... :''[Suddenly, his mother stops in her tracks and shuts her eyes]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': What, Mum? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': The name tags. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Yes, that was really nice of you. I always wanted name tags in my underwear. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': But they're not in Chinese. What kind are they? :''[She shakes her head and starts to walk again. Ryan keeps up alongside]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Listen, Mum–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Remember, Ryan, don't eat anything that moves or has eyes. And don't worry, your father will be there. He'll be waiting for you at the gate the second you get off the plane. :'''Ryan Tyler''': I know, Mum, but–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If you have any problems, call 911. :'''Ryan Tyler''': In China? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If they don't have it over there, just warn them you're an American. :''[They arrive at the ticket counter. Ryan's mum takes his plane tickets out of her bag and hands them to the ticket agent behind the counter]'' :'''Agent''': Window or aisle. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Aisle. :'''Agent''': Smoking or non? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': He's twelve years old. :''[Ryan realizes that they are getting too close for consolation. He has to say something before it's too late]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, this is serious. :'''Agent''': How many bags will you be checking? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': One. ''[But as she starts to pick up the duffel bag to put it through the counter, Ryan holds the other end and stops her. His mother looks at him with a puzzled expression]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ling''': You are a Mormon! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mormon? I think you mean '''"moron"'''. <hr width=50%> :''[Ling finishes telling Ryan the folklore about the black marks on pandas and four sister mountains who look over them]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's a bunch of bull. :'''Ling''': It's not a story about bull, it's a story about panda. :'''Ryan Tyler''': No, what I mean is, it's not true. :'''Ling''': My grandfather doesn't lie! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, if the 4 sisters are real, how come the panda bears are going extinct? ==Cast== * Stephen Lang as Dr. Michael Tyler * Ryan Slater as Ryan Tyler * Brian Wagner as Johnny * Yi Ding as Ling * Wang Fei as Chu * Lan Yu as Mr. Xu, the inspector * Isabella Hofmann as Beth Tyler * Zhou Jian Zhong as Po * Yao Er Ga as Shong ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1995 films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:1990s American films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Chinese films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Adventure films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Fantasy films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films about giant pandas|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films set in China|Amazing Panda Adventure]] stxhzaebhd7ns653p9gytpfmlryv25h 3954324 3954323 2026-06-18T23:29:01Z ~2026-23592-14 3311603 3954324 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Amazing Panda Adventure|The Amazing Panda Adventure]]''''' is a 1995 family adventure film about a 10-year-old [[w:United States|American]] boy called Ryan Tyler (played by Ryan Slater), who travels to [[China]] and has to take a panda cub to the reserve so it can reunite with its mother. This film was distributed by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros. Pictures]] under their [[w:Warner Bros. Family Entertainment|Warner Bros. Family Entertainment]] label. In theaters, the [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] short, "[[Carrotblanca]]", was shown before the film. :''Directed by [[w:Christopher Cain|Christopher Cain]]. Produced by [[w:Lee Rich|Lee Rich]], John Wilcox, Gary Foster and Dylan Sellers. Story by John Wilcox and Steven Alldredge.'' ==Ryan Tyler== * I've seen naked women before. A, I have cable TV. B, I just happen to be quite a lady's man. * Relax, I'm an American. My life revolves around electronics. I think I can handle it. ==Dialogue== :''[Spring recess has arrived, and with it, the trip Ryan has been dreading for weeks. Of course, he hasn't warned anyone how much he dreads it. You aren't supposed to refuse something as special as a trip to China. You aren't supposed to refuse the opportunity to see your father for the first time in two years]'' :''[It is two o'clock in the morning, and the flight is less than a dozen hours aside. Ryan lays in his bed wide awake in his dark bedroom with a flashlight in his hands. The beam of light is aimed at the ceiling, which his father has long ago painted dark blue. Over the blue, he's painted all the major constellations of stars in yellow. Then that lying in bed is sort of like camping out and staring up at the stars]'' :''[Ryan looks up at them, feeling a mixture of fear and despair. So long, Gemini, he thinks. Farewell, Orion, and thank riddance. Toodle-oo, Big Dipper, don't spill anything while I'm gone. See you soon, Ursa Minor....Little Bear...]'' :''[Ryan yawns and flicks off the flashlight. It is much no use and he has to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he will begin a trip that will take more than twenty-four hours to finish]'' :''[Halfway around the world, deep in the panda reserve, Ryan's father, Dr. Michael Tyler, creeps through the underbrush of vines and bamboo shoots, following a fifteen-year-old Chinese girl named Ling]'' :'''Michael''': Well? :'''Ling''': Close, I think. :'''Michael''': You think? :'''Ling''': Many go their entire life without seeing a panda in the wild. :'''Michael''': Well, if we don't see one soon, it's going to be too late. :'''Ling''': Shush! ''[She holds a finger to her lips and points ahead. Michael crawls up behind her and squints. Through a thick patch of bamboo, he can see a clearing]'' Listen. :''[Michael holds his breath and hears a faint crunching sound. A chill runs through him. He's heard the sound before in zoos and in the enclosures back at the reserve headquarters. It is the sound of a panda grinding mature bamboo in its powerful jaws. Few creatures in the world has jaws powerful enough, or a stomach hard enough, to consume almost rock-hard bamboo]'' :''[Ling starts to crawl forward and Michael follows. Despite being more than twice her age, he trusts her immediately. At fifteen, Ling knows the forest better than he will ever know it]'' :''[Once again, Ling stops in her tracks. This time she reaches for a long narrow tube she carried in her day pack. Michael knows at once what that means. He stops and waits while Ling presses one end of the tube to her lips and aims]'' :''[The sound of her exhaling breaks the silence. It is followed by an alarmed yelp and a soft scraping sound, as if something are trying to drag itself across the ground. Eventually, Michael hears a thud]'' :''[Ling turns toward him and nods in agreement. Then she swiftly stands and goes forward through the undergrowth. Dr. Tyler stands up and follows. Ahead, he catches a glimpse of something black and white lying on the ground. They've gotten one]'' :''[She is a completely grown female, probably close to three hundred pounds, lying on her stomach with her legs splayed out like a huge stuffed bear. Michael swiftly pulls off his pack and takes out a camera as well as a chart and tape measure. He photographs and measures her, but checks her ears and eyes. Meanwhile, Ling strokes her gently on the head]'' :'''Ling''': She is so beautiful. :''[Michael takes a white leather collar out of the bag. Attached to it is a transmitter about the size of a pack of cigarettes]'' :'''Michael''': Now we'll be able to keep track of her. ''[A small red light on the collar blinks on and off]'' :''[Ling points at the creature's chest]'' :'''Ling:''' Dr. Tyler, look! :''[Michael looks down and sees a thin stream of translucent white liquid]'' :'''Michael''': Either she's pregnant or she's just had a cub. ''[As his eyes sweep around, they catch Ling staring at him, her face filled with emotion]'' :'''Ling''': Do you know what this means? :''[Michael nods slowly, trying not to reveal the emotion he also feels]'' :'''Michael''': Only if it's real and we can prove it. Only then do we have a chance to keep this reserve open! <hr width=50%> :''[Ryan and his mother enter the airport terminal. Each of them holds one handle of Ryan's dark green duffel bag. They dodge people lugging bags and mothers with shrieking children. Ryan can't help thinking about what lays ahead. As usual, his mother is acting fairly neurotic, but it doesn't really distract him]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': I sewed name tags in all your underwear. :''[Ryan can feel his doubts about this entire fashion starting to well up uncontrollably]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I was thinking.... :''[Suddenly, his mother stops in her tracks and shuts her eyes]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': What, Mum? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': The name tags. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Yes, that was really nice of you. I always wanted name tags in my underwear. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': But they're not in Chinese. What kind are they? :''[She shakes her head and starts to walk again. Ryan keeps up alongside]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Listen, Mum–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Remember, Ryan, don't eat anything that moves or has eyes. And don't worry, your father will be there. He'll be waiting for you at the gate the second you get off the plane. :'''Ryan Tyler''': I know, Mum, but–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If you have any problems, call 911. :'''Ryan Tyler''': In China? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If they don't have it over there, just warn them you're an American. :''[They arrive at the ticket counter. Ryan's mum takes his plane tickets out of her bag and hands them to the ticket agent behind the counter]'' :'''Agent''': Window or aisle. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Aisle. :'''Agent''': Smoking or non? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': He's twelve years old. :''[Ryan realizes that they are getting too close for consolation. He has to say something before it's too late]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, this is serious. :'''Agent''': How many bags will you be checking? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': One. ''[But as she starts to pick up the duffel bag to put it through the counter, Ryan holds the other end and stops her. His mother looks at him with a puzzled expression]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I don't want to go. ''[He feels a small wave of relief. There, he's said it]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': What? :'''Ryan Tyler''': I don't want to go. I never wanted to go! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Why did you wait until now to warn me? :''[Ryan doesn't know what to say. He stares down at his feet. Someone behind them clears his throat. Ryan and his mum both turn. A tall man in a dark suit stands in line, holding two bags]'' :'''Mr. Tyler''': I hate to interrupt, but some of us do want to go. :''[Mrs. Tyler spins around to the ticket agent]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': We'll be right back. ''[Then she leads Ryan over to the big picture window that looks out over the runways and airplanes waiting to take off]'' Now, darling. I know it must be frightening to go to a strange country on your own. :''[Ryan shakes his head, no]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not a little boy, Mum. I'm not frightened! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Then what's wrong? Don't you want to see your father? :''[Ryan is silent for a moment]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not sure he really wants to see me. <hr width=50%> :'''Ling''': You are a Mormon! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mormon? I think you mean '''"moron"'''. <hr width=50%> :''[Ling finishes telling Ryan the folklore about the black marks on pandas and four sister mountains who look over them]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's a bunch of bull. :'''Ling''': It's not a story about bull, it's a story about panda. :'''Ryan Tyler''': No, what I mean is, it's not true. :'''Ling''': My grandfather doesn't lie! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, if the 4 sisters are real, how come the panda bears are going extinct? ==Cast== * Stephen Lang as Dr. Michael Tyler * Ryan Slater as Ryan Tyler * Brian Wagner as Johnny * Yi Ding as Ling * Wang Fei as Chu * Lan Yu as Mr. Xu, the inspector * Isabella Hofmann as Beth Tyler * Zhou Jian Zhong as Po * Yao Er Ga as Shong ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1995 films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:1990s American films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Chinese films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Adventure films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Fantasy films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films about giant pandas|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films set in China|Amazing Panda Adventure]] q6ui1lts2g9bkdd0axitl2nfohpx4gu 3954328 3954324 2026-06-18T23:36:12Z ~2026-23592-14 3311603 3954328 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Amazing Panda Adventure|The Amazing Panda Adventure]]''''' is a 1995 family adventure film about a 10-year-old [[w:United States|American]] boy called Ryan Tyler (played by Ryan Slater), who travels to [[China]] and has to take a panda cub to the reserve so it can reunite with its mother. This film was distributed by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros. Pictures]] under their [[w:Warner Bros. Family Entertainment|Warner Bros. Family Entertainment]] label. In theaters, the [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] short, "[[Carrotblanca]]", was shown before the film. :''Directed by [[w:Christopher Cain|Christopher Cain]]. Produced by [[w:Lee Rich|Lee Rich]], John Wilcox, Gary Foster and Dylan Sellers. Story by John Wilcox and Steven Alldredge.'' ==Ryan Tyler== * I've seen naked women before. A, I have cable TV. B, I just happen to be quite a lady's man. * Relax, I'm an American. My life revolves around electronics. I think I can handle it. ==Dialogue== :''[Spring recess has arrived, and with it, the trip Ryan has been dreading for weeks. Of course, he hasn't warned anyone how much he dreads it. You aren't supposed to refuse something as special as a trip to China. You aren't supposed to refuse the opportunity to see your father for the first time in two years]'' :''[It is two o'clock in the morning, and the flight is less than a dozen hours aside. Ryan lays in his bed wide awake in his dark bedroom with a flashlight in his hands. The beam of light is aimed at the ceiling, which his father has long ago painted dark blue. Over the blue, he's painted all the major constellations of stars in yellow. Then that lying in bed is sort of like camping out and staring up at the stars]'' :''[Ryan looks up at them, feeling a mixture of fear and despair. So long, Gemini, he thinks. Farewell, Orion, and thank riddance. Toodle-oo, Big Dipper, don't spill anything while I'm gone. See you soon, Ursa Minor....Little Bear...]'' :''[Ryan yawns and flicks off the flashlight. It is much no use and he has to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he will begin a trip that will take more than twenty-four hours to finish]'' :''[Halfway around the world, deep in the panda reserve, Ryan's father, Dr. Michael Tyler, creeps through the underbrush of vines and bamboo shoots, following a fifteen-year-old Chinese girl named Ling]'' :'''Michael''': Well? :'''Ling''': Close, I think. :'''Michael''': You think? :'''Ling''': Many go their entire life without seeing a panda in the wild. :'''Michael''': Well, if we don't see one soon, it's going to be too late. :'''Ling''': Shush! ''[She holds a finger to her lips and points ahead. Michael crawls up behind her and squints. Through a thick patch of bamboo, he can see a clearing]'' Listen. :''[Michael holds his breath and hears a faint crunching sound. A chill runs through him. He's heard the sound before in zoos and in the enclosures back at the reserve headquarters. It is the sound of a panda grinding mature bamboo in its powerful jaws. Few creatures in the world has jaws powerful enough, or a stomach hard enough, to consume almost rock-hard bamboo]'' :''[Ling starts to crawl forward and Michael follows. Despite being more than twice her age, he trusts her immediately. At fifteen, Ling knows the forest better than he will ever know it]'' :''[Once again, Ling stops in her tracks. This time she reaches for a long narrow tube she carried in her day pack. Michael knows at once what that means. He stops and waits while Ling presses one end of the tube to her lips and aims]'' :''[The sound of her exhaling breaks the silence. It is followed by an alarmed yelp and a soft scraping sound, as if something are trying to drag itself across the ground. Eventually, Michael hears a thud]'' :''[Ling turns toward him and nods in agreement. Then she swiftly stands and goes forward through the undergrowth. Dr. Tyler stands up and follows. Ahead, he catches a glimpse of something black and white lying on the ground. They've gotten one]'' :''[She is a completely grown female, probably close to three hundred pounds, lying on her stomach with her legs splayed out like a huge stuffed bear. Michael swiftly pulls off his pack and takes out a camera as well as a chart and tape measure. He photographs and measures her, but checks her ears and eyes. Meanwhile, Ling strokes her gently on the head]'' :'''Ling''': She is so beautiful. :''[Michael takes a white leather collar out of the bag. Attached to it is a transmitter about the size of a pack of cigarettes]'' :'''Michael''': Now we'll be able to keep track of her. ''[A small red light on the collar blinks on and off]'' :''[Ling points at the creature's chest]'' :'''Ling:''' Dr. Tyler, look! :''[Michael looks down and sees a thin stream of translucent white liquid]'' :'''Michael''': Either she's pregnant or she's just had a cub. ''[As his eyes sweep around, they catch Ling staring at him, her face filled with emotion]'' :'''Ling''': Do you know what this means? :''[Michael nods slowly, trying not to reveal the emotion he also feels]'' :'''Michael''': Only if it's real and we can prove it. Only then do we have a chance to keep this reserve open! <hr width=50%> :''[Ryan and his mother enter the airport terminal. Each of them holds one handle of Ryan's dark green duffel bag. They dodge people lugging bags and mothers with shrieking children. Ryan can't help thinking about what lays ahead. As usual, his mother is acting fairly neurotic, but it doesn't really distract him]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': I sewed name tags in all your underwear. :''[Ryan can feel his doubts about this entire fashion starting to well up uncontrollably]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I was thinking.... :''[Suddenly, his mother stops in her tracks and shuts her eyes]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': What, Mum? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': The name tags. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Yes, that was really nice of you. I always wanted name tags in my underwear. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': But they're not in Chinese. What kind are they? :''[She shakes her head and starts to walk again. Ryan keeps up alongside]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Listen, Mum–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Remember, Ryan, don't eat anything that moves or has eyes. And don't worry, your father will be there. He'll be waiting for you at the gate the second you get off the plane. :'''Ryan Tyler''': I know, Mum, but–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If you have any problems, call 911. :'''Ryan Tyler''': In China? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If they don't have it over there, just warn them you're an American. :''[They arrive at the ticket counter. Ryan's mum takes his plane tickets out of her bag and hands them to the ticket agent behind the counter]'' :'''Agent''': Window or aisle. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Aisle. :'''Agent''': Smoking or non? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': He's twelve years old. :''[Ryan realizes that they are getting too close for consolation. He has to say something before it's too late]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, this is serious. :'''Agent''': How many bags will you be checking? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': One. ''[But as she starts to pick up the duffel bag to put it through the counter, Ryan holds the other end and stops her. His mother looks at him with a puzzled expression]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I don't want to go. ''[He feels a small wave of relief. There, he's said it]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': What? :'''Ryan Tyler''': I don't want to go. I never wanted to go! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Why did you wait until now to warn me? :''[Ryan doesn't know what to say. He stares down at his feet. Someone behind them clears his throat. Ryan and his mum both turn. A tall man in a dark suit stands in line, holding two bags]'' :'''Mr. Tyler''': I hate to interrupt, but some of us do want to go. :''[Mrs. Tyler spins around to the ticket agent]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': We'll be right back. ''[Then she leads Ryan over to the big picture window that looks out over the runways and airplanes waiting to take off]'' Now, darling. I know it must be frightening to go to a strange country on your own. :''[Ryan shakes his head, no]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not a little boy, Mum. I'm not frightened! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Then what's wrong? Don't you want to see your father? :''[Ryan is silent for a moment]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not sure he really wants to see me. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Doesn't want to see you? Of course he wants to see you. He sent the tickets, didn't he? :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, yes, but how come in two years I sent him forty-seven letters and he only sent me three? :''[Now it is his mother's turn to be silent for a moment]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Well, darling, you know how you and Johnny sometimes get until you buy a new Sega game? You get them into it that hours go side-by-side and you don't even notice this. Well, that's how your father is about his work. :'''Ryan Tyler''': It hasn't been hours, Mum. It's been years! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Well, his work is very reluctant to him. :'''Ryan Tyler''': More reluctant than me? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': No, but his work is so big that it blocks out everything else. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. :''[That is bull and Ryan knows it. Three letters in two years is a lousy average]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Listen, darling. I once heard a saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it never was.'" :''[That is just more bull as far as Ryan is worried]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's been two years. How much longer do I have to wait for him to come back? <hr width=50%> :'''Ling''': You are a Mormon! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mormon? I think you mean '''"moron"'''. <hr width=50%> :''[Ling finishes telling Ryan the folklore about the black marks on pandas and four sister mountains who look over them]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's a bunch of bull. :'''Ling''': It's not a story about bull, it's a story about panda. :'''Ryan Tyler''': No, what I mean is, it's not true. :'''Ling''': My grandfather doesn't lie! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, if the 4 sisters are real, how come the panda bears are going extinct? ==Cast== * Stephen Lang as Dr. Michael Tyler * Ryan Slater as Ryan Tyler * Brian Wagner as Johnny * Yi Ding as Ling * Wang Fei as Chu * Lan Yu as Mr. Xu, the inspector * Isabella Hofmann as Beth Tyler * Zhou Jian Zhong as Po * Yao Er Ga as Shong ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1995 films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:1990s American films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Chinese films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Adventure films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Fantasy films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films about giant pandas|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films set in China|Amazing Panda Adventure]] edu903t6lg1j1247u8zx282d9qjx5p3 3954329 3954328 2026-06-18T23:44:50Z ~2026-23592-14 3311603 3954329 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Amazing Panda Adventure|The Amazing Panda Adventure]]''''' is a 1995 family adventure film about a 10-year-old [[w:United States|American]] boy called Ryan Tyler (played by Ryan Slater), who travels to [[China]] and has to take a panda cub to the reserve so it can reunite with its mother. This film was distributed by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros. Pictures]] under their [[w:Warner Bros. Family Entertainment|Warner Bros. Family Entertainment]] label. In theaters, the [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] short, "[[Carrotblanca]]", was shown before the film. :''Directed by [[w:Christopher Cain|Christopher Cain]]. Produced by [[w:Lee Rich|Lee Rich]], John Wilcox, Gary Foster and Dylan Sellers. Story by John Wilcox and Steven Alldredge.'' ==Ryan Tyler== * I've seen naked women before. A, I have cable TV. B, I just happen to be quite a lady's man. * Relax, I'm an American. My life revolves around electronics. I think I can handle it. ==Dialogue== :''[Spring recess has arrived, and with it, the trip Ryan has been dreading for weeks. Of course, he hasn't warned anyone how much he dreads it. You aren't supposed to refuse something as special as a trip to China. You aren't supposed to refuse the opportunity to see your father for the first time in two years]'' :''[It is two o'clock in the morning, and the flight is less than a dozen hours aside. Ryan lays in his bed wide awake in his dark bedroom with a flashlight in his hands. The beam of light is aimed at the ceiling, which his father has long ago painted dark blue. Over the blue, he's painted all the major constellations of stars in yellow. Then that lying in bed is sort of like camping out and staring up at the stars]'' :''[Ryan looks up at them, feeling a mixture of fear and despair. So long, Gemini, he thinks. Farewell, Orion, and thank riddance. Toodle-oo, Big Dipper, don't spill anything while I'm gone. See you soon, Ursa Minor....Little Bear...]'' :''[Ryan yawns and flicks off the flashlight. It is much no use and he has to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he will begin a trip that will take more than twenty-four hours to finish]'' :''[Halfway around the world, deep in the panda reserve, Ryan's father, Dr. Michael Tyler, creeps through the underbrush of vines and bamboo shoots, following a fifteen-year-old Chinese girl named Ling]'' :'''Michael''': Well? :'''Ling''': Close, I think. :'''Michael''': You think? :'''Ling''': Many go their entire life without seeing a panda in the wild. :'''Michael''': Well, if we don't see one soon, it's going to be too late. :'''Ling''': Shush! ''[She holds a finger to her lips and points ahead. Michael crawls up behind her and squints. Through a thick patch of bamboo, he can see a clearing]'' Listen. :''[Michael holds his breath and hears a faint crunching sound. A chill runs through him. He's heard the sound before in zoos and in the enclosures back at the reserve headquarters. It is the sound of a panda grinding mature bamboo in its powerful jaws. Few creatures in the world has jaws powerful enough, or a stomach hard enough, to consume almost rock-hard bamboo]'' :''[Ling starts to crawl forward and Michael follows. Despite being more than twice her age, he trusts her immediately. At fifteen, Ling knows the forest better than he will ever know it]'' :''[Once again, Ling stops in her tracks. This time she reaches for a long narrow tube she carried in her day pack. Michael knows at once what that means. He stops and waits while Ling presses one end of the tube to her lips and aims]'' :''[The sound of her exhaling breaks the silence. It is followed by an alarmed yelp and a soft scraping sound, as if something are trying to drag itself across the ground. Eventually, Michael hears a thud]'' :''[Ling turns toward him and nods in agreement. Then she swiftly stands and goes forward through the undergrowth. Dr. Tyler stands up and follows. Ahead, he catches a glimpse of something black and white lying on the ground. They've gotten one]'' :''[She is a completely grown female, probably close to three hundred pounds, lying on her stomach with her legs splayed out like a huge stuffed bear. Michael swiftly pulls off his pack and takes out a camera as well as a chart and tape measure. He photographs and measures her, but checks her ears and eyes. Meanwhile, Ling strokes her gently on the head]'' :'''Ling''': She is so beautiful. :''[Michael takes a white leather collar out of the bag. Attached to it is a transmitter about the size of a pack of cigarettes]'' :'''Michael''': Now we'll be able to keep track of her. ''[A small red light on the collar blinks on and off]'' :''[Ling points at the creature's chest]'' :'''Ling:''' Dr. Tyler, look! :''[Michael looks down and sees a thin stream of translucent white liquid]'' :'''Michael''': Either she's pregnant or she's just had a cub. ''[As his eyes sweep around, they catch Ling staring at him, her face filled with emotion]'' :'''Ling''': Do you know what this means? :''[Michael nods slowly, trying not to reveal the emotion he also feels]'' :'''Michael''': Only if it's real and we can prove it. Only then do we have a chance to keep this reserve open! <hr width=50%> :''[Ryan and his mother enter the airport terminal. Each of them holds one handle of Ryan's dark green duffel bag. They dodge people lugging bags and mothers with shrieking children. Ryan can't help thinking about what lays ahead. As usual, his mother is acting fairly neurotic, but it doesn't really distract him]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': I sewed name tags in all your underwear. :''[Ryan can feel his doubts about this entire fashion starting to well up uncontrollably]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I was thinking.... :''[Suddenly, his mother stops in her tracks and shuts her eyes]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': What, Mum? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': The name tags. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Yes, that was really nice of you. I always wanted name tags in my underwear. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': But they're not in Chinese. What kind are they? :''[She shakes her head and starts to walk again. Ryan keeps up alongside]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Listen, Mum–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Remember, Ryan, don't eat anything that moves or has eyes. And don't worry, your father will be there. He'll be waiting for you at the gate the second you get off the plane. :'''Ryan Tyler''': I know, Mum, but–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If you have any problems, call 911. :'''Ryan Tyler''': In China? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If they don't have it over there, just warn them you're an American. :''[They arrive at the ticket counter. Ryan's mum takes his plane tickets out of her bag and hands them to the ticket agent behind the counter]'' :'''Agent''': Window or aisle. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Aisle. :'''Agent''': Smoking or non? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': He's twelve years old. :''[Ryan realizes that they are getting too close for consolation. He has to say something before it's too late]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, this is serious. :'''Agent''': How many bags will you be checking? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': One. ''[But as she starts to pick up the duffel bag to put it through the counter, Ryan holds the other end and stops her. His mother looks at him with a puzzled expression]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I don't want to go. ''[He feels a small wave of relief. There, he's said it]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': What? :'''Ryan Tyler''': I don't want to go. I never wanted to go! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Why did you wait until now to warn me? :''[Ryan doesn't know what to say. He stares down at his feet. Someone behind them clears his throat. Ryan and his mum both turn. A tall man in a dark suit stands in line, holding two bags]'' :'''Mr. Tyler''': I hate to interrupt, but some of us do want to go. :''[Mrs. Tyler spins around to the ticket agent]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': We'll be right back. ''[Then she leads Ryan over to the big picture window that looks out over the runways and airplanes waiting to take off]'' Now, darling. I know it must be frightening to go to a strange country on your own. :''[Ryan shakes his head, no]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not a little boy, Mum. I'm not frightened! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Then what's wrong? Don't you want to see your father? :''[Ryan is silent for a moment]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not sure he really wants to see me. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Doesn't want to see you? Of course he wants to see you. He sent the tickets, didn't he? :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, yes, but how come in two years I sent him forty-seven letters and he only sent me three? :''[Now it is his mother's turn to be silent for a moment]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Well, darling, you know how you and Johnny sometimes get until you buy a new Sega game? You get them into it that hours go side-by-side and you don't even notice this. Well, that's how your father is about his work. :'''Ryan Tyler''': It hasn't been hours, Mum. It's been years! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Well, his work is very reluctant to him. :'''Ryan Tyler''': More reluctant than me? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': No, but his work is so big that it blocks out everything else. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. :''[That is bull and Ryan knows it. Three letters in two years is a lousy average]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Listen, darling. I once heard a saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it never was.'" :''[That is just more bull as far as Ryan is worried]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's been two years. How much longer do I have to wait for him to come back? :''[Mrs. Tyler gives him a loving look and pats him on the head]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': You know how I know your father loves you? :''[Ryan shakes his head, no]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Because he drew these constellations on your ceiling. And he did it so painstakingly, and it took him so long. Only a father who really loved his son would do such a fashion. :''[A loudspeaker crackles to life nearby]'' :'''Loudspeaker''': Flight 23 to Hong Kong is now boarding through gate 4C. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': That's your plane. :''[Ryan gives her an uncertain look. Mrs. Tyler reaches forward and takes the Chicago Cubs baseball cap off his head. Then she smooths his hair with her hand and starts to lead him toward the ticket counter]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Don't forget, planes work in both directions. If you don't like it over there, you can always come home. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Promise? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Absolutely. ''[Then she puts her arms around him and says all the mushy stuff mothers feel compelled to say if their children go away. Ryan knows he has to go. He can't let everyone down]'' :''[They go back to the ticket counter and gives the agent the duffel bag. Then Mrs. Tyler walks Ryan down to the gate]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Be sure to brush your teeth every day, but only with bottled water. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Sure, Mum. ''[He doesn't know if he feels any better about going, but at least getting on the plane will get him away from his mother]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ling''': You are a Mormon! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mormon? I think you mean '''"moron"'''. <hr width=50%> :''[Ling finishes telling Ryan the folklore about the black marks on pandas and four sister mountains who look over them]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's a bunch of bull. :'''Ling''': It's not a story about bull, it's a story about panda. :'''Ryan Tyler''': No, what I mean is, it's not true. :'''Ling''': My grandfather doesn't lie! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, if the 4 sisters are real, how come the panda bears are going extinct? ==Cast== * Stephen Lang as Dr. Michael Tyler * Ryan Slater as Ryan Tyler * Brian Wagner as Johnny * Yi Ding as Ling * Wang Fei as Chu * Lan Yu as Mr. Xu, the inspector * Isabella Hofmann as Beth Tyler * Zhou Jian Zhong as Po * Yao Er Ga as Shong ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1995 films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:1990s American films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Chinese films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Adventure films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Fantasy films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films about giant pandas|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films set in China|Amazing Panda Adventure]] ttab09ttuewjoc9vq5batrb63epqkjn 3954330 3954329 2026-06-18T23:46:42Z ~2026-23592-14 3311603 3954330 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:The Amazing Panda Adventure|The Amazing Panda Adventure]]''''' is a 1995 family adventure film about a 10-year-old [[w:United States|American]] boy called Ryan Tyler (played by Ryan Slater), who travels to [[China]] and has to take a panda cub to the reserve so it can reunite with its mother. This film was distributed by [[w:Warner Bros. Pictures|Warner Bros. Pictures]] under their [[w:Warner Bros. Family Entertainment|Warner Bros. Family Entertainment]] label. In theaters, the [[w:Looney Tunes|Looney Tunes]] short, "[[Carrotblanca]]", was shown before the film. :''Directed by [[w:Christopher Cain|Christopher Cain]]. Produced by [[w:Lee Rich|Lee Rich]], John Wilcox, Gary Foster and Dylan Sellers. Story by John Wilcox and Steven Alldredge.'' ==Ryan Tyler== * I've seen naked women before. A, I have cable TV. B, I just happen to be quite a lady's man. * Relax, I'm an American. My life revolves around electronics. I think I can handle it. ==Dialogue== :''[Spring recess has arrived, and with it, the trip Ryan has been dreading for weeks. Of course, he hasn't warned anyone how much he dreads it. You aren't supposed to refuse something as special as a trip to China. You aren't supposed to refuse the opportunity to see your father for the first time in two years]'' :''[It is two o'clock in the morning, and the flight is less than a dozen hours aside. Ryan lays in his bed wide awake in his dark bedroom with a flashlight in his hands. The beam of light is aimed at the ceiling, which his father has long ago painted dark blue. Over the blue, he's painted all the major constellations of stars in yellow. Then that lying in bed is sort of like camping out and staring up at the stars]'' :''[Ryan looks up at them, feeling a mixture of fear and despair. So long, Gemini, he thinks. Farewell, Orion, and thank riddance. Toodle-oo, Big Dipper, don't spill anything while I'm gone. See you soon, Ursa Minor....Little Bear...]'' :''[Ryan yawns and flicks off the flashlight. It is much no use and he has to get some sleep. Tomorrow, he will begin a trip that will take more than twenty-four hours to finish]'' :''[Halfway around the world, deep in the panda reserve, Ryan's father, Dr. Michael Tyler, creeps through the underbrush of vines and bamboo shoots, following a fifteen-year-old Chinese girl named Ling]'' :'''Michael''': Well? :'''Ling''': Close, I think. :'''Michael''': You think? :'''Ling''': Many go their entire life without seeing a panda in the wild. :'''Michael''': Well, if we don't see one soon, it's going to be too late. :'''Ling''': Shush! ''[She holds a finger to her lips and points ahead. Michael crawls up behind her and squints. Through a thick patch of bamboo, he can see a clearing]'' Listen. :''[Michael holds his breath and hears a faint crunching sound. A chill runs through him. He's heard the sound before in zoos and in the enclosures back at the reserve headquarters. It is the sound of a panda grinding mature bamboo in its powerful jaws. Few creatures in the world has jaws powerful enough, or a stomach hard enough, to consume almost rock-hard bamboo]'' :''[Ling starts to crawl forward and Michael follows. Despite being more than twice her age, he trusts her immediately. At fifteen, Ling knows the forest better than he will ever know it]'' :''[Once again, Ling stops in her tracks. This time she reaches for a long narrow tube she carried in her day pack. Michael knows at once what that means. He stops and waits while Ling presses one end of the tube to her lips and aims]'' :''[The sound of her exhaling breaks the silence. It is followed by an alarmed yelp and a soft scraping sound, as if something are trying to drag itself across the ground. Eventually, Michael hears a thud]'' :''[Ling turns toward him and nods in agreement. Then she swiftly stands and goes forward through the undergrowth. Dr. Tyler stands up and follows. Ahead, he catches a glimpse of something black and white lying on the ground. They've gotten one]'' :''[She is a completely grown female, probably close to three hundred pounds, lying on her stomach with her legs splayed out like a huge stuffed bear. Michael swiftly pulls off his pack and takes out a camera as well as a chart and tape measure. He photographs and measures her, but checks her ears and eyes. Meanwhile, Ling strokes her gently on the head]'' :'''Ling''': She is so beautiful. :''[Michael takes a white leather collar out of the bag. Attached to it is a transmitter about the size of a pack of cigarettes]'' :'''Michael''': Now we'll be able to keep track of her. ''[A small red light on the collar blinks on and off]'' :''[Ling points at the creature's chest]'' :'''Ling:''' Dr. Tyler, look! :''[Michael looks down and sees a thin stream of translucent white liquid]'' :'''Michael''': Either she's pregnant or she's just had a cub. ''[As his eyes sweep around, they catch Ling staring at him, her face filled with emotion]'' :'''Ling''': Do you know what this means? :''[Michael nods slowly, trying not to reveal the emotion he also feels]'' :'''Michael''': Only if it's real and we can prove it. Only then do we have a chance to keep this reserve open! <hr width=50%> :''[Ryan and his mother enter the airport terminal. Each of them holds one handle of Ryan's dark green duffel bag. They dodge people lugging bags and mothers with shrieking children. Ryan can't help thinking about what lays ahead. As usual, his mother is acting fairly neurotic, but it doesn't really distract him]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': I sewed name tags in all your underwear. :''[Ryan can feel his doubts about this entire fashion starting to well up uncontrollably]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I was thinking.... :''[Suddenly, his mother stops in her tracks and shuts her eyes]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': What, Mum? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': The name tags. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Yes, that was really nice of you. I always wanted name tags in my underwear. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': But they're not in Chinese. What kind are they? :''[She shakes her head and starts to walk again. Ryan keeps up alongside]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Listen, Mum–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Remember, Ryan, don't eat anything that moves or has eyes. And don't worry, your father will be there. He'll be waiting for you at the gate the second you get off the plane. :'''Ryan Tyler''': I know, Mum, but–– :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If you have any problems, call 911. :'''Ryan Tyler''': In China? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': If they don't have it over there, just warn them you're an American. :''[They arrive at the ticket counter. Ryan's mum takes his plane tickets out of her bag and hands them to the ticket agent behind the counter]'' :'''Agent''': Window or aisle. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Aisle. :'''Agent''': Smoking or non? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': He's twelve years old. :''[Ryan realizes that they are getting too close for consolation. He has to say something before it's too late]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, this is serious. :'''Agent''': How many bags will you be checking? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': One. ''[But as she starts to pick up the duffel bag to put it through the counter, Ryan holds the other end and stops her. His mother looks at him with a puzzled expression]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mum, I don't want to go. ''[He feels a small wave of relief. There, he's said it]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': What? :'''Ryan Tyler''': I don't want to go. I never wanted to go! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Why did you wait until now to warn me? :''[Ryan doesn't know what to say. He stares down at his feet. Someone behind them clears his throat. Ryan and his mum both turn. A tall man in a dark suit stands in line, holding two bags]'' :'''Mr. Tyler''': I hate to interrupt, but some of us do want to go. :''[Mrs. Tyler spins around to the ticket agent]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': We'll be right back. ''[Then she leads Ryan over to the big picture window that looks out over the runways and airplanes waiting to take off]'' Now, darling. I know it must be frightening to go to a strange country on your own. :''[Ryan shakes his head, no]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not a little boy, Mum. I'm not frightened! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Then what's wrong? Don't you want to see your father? :''[Ryan is silent for a moment]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': I'm not sure he really wants to see me. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Doesn't want to see you? Of course he wants to see you. He sent the tickets, didn't he? :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, yes, but how come in two years I sent him forty-seven letters and he only sent me three? :''[Now it is his mother's turn to be silent for a moment]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Well, darling, you know how you and Johnny sometimes get until you buy a new Sega game? You get them into it that hours go side-by-side and you don't even notice this. Well, that's how your father is about his work. :'''Ryan Tyler''': It hasn't been hours, Mum. It's been years! :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Well, his work is very reluctant to him. :'''Ryan Tyler''': More reluctant than me? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': No, but his work is so big that it blocks out everything else. That doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. :''[That is bull and Ryan knows it. Three letters in two years is a lousy average]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Listen, darling. I once heard a saying "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it never was.'" :''[That is just more bull as far as Ryan is worried]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's been two years. How much longer do I have to wait for him to come back? :''[Mrs. Tyler gives him a loving look and pats him on the head]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': You know how I know your father loves you? :''[Ryan shakes his head, no]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Because he drew these constellations on your ceiling. And he did it so painstakingly, and it took him so long. Only a father who really loved his son would do such a fashion. :''[A loudspeaker crackles to life nearby]'' :'''Loudspeaker''': Flight 23 to Hong Kong is now boarding through gate 4C. :'''Mrs. Tyler''': That's your plane. :''[Ryan gives her an uncertain look. Mrs. Tyler reaches forward and takes the Chicago Cubs baseball cap off his head. Then she smooths his hair with her hand and starts to lead him toward the ticket counter]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Don't forget, planes work in both directions. If you don't like it over there, you can always come home. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Promise? :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Absolutely. ''[Then she puts her arms around him and says all the mushy stuff mothers feel compelled to say if their children go away. Ryan knows he has to go. He can't let everyone down]'' :''[They go back to the ticket counter and gives the agent the duffel bag. Then Mrs. Tyler walks Ryan down to the gate]'' :'''Mrs. Tyler''': Be sure to brush your teeth every day, but only with bottled water. :'''Ryan Tyler''': Sure, Mum. ''[He doesn't know if he feels any better about going, but at least getting on the plane will get him away from his mother]'' :''[Deep in the forests of the reserve, the female panda brushes herself collecting bamboo stalks. Not far off, her cub is chasing a bright blue butterfly. As the cub runs farther and farther out, his mother begins to feel alarmed. She lets out a short bark and then starts after the cub]'' :''[Snap! A wire trap snaps closed around her back paw. She pulls at the wire, but that only makes the wire cut painfully into her paw. She pulls harder and calls desperately for her cub to come back. But no matter how hard she tries, she can't break free]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Ling''': You are a Mormon! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Mormon? I think you mean '''"moron"'''. <hr width=50%> :''[Ling finishes telling Ryan the folklore about the black marks on pandas and four sister mountains who look over them]'' :'''Ryan Tyler''': It's a bunch of bull. :'''Ling''': It's not a story about bull, it's a story about panda. :'''Ryan Tyler''': No, what I mean is, it's not true. :'''Ling''': My grandfather doesn't lie! :'''Ryan Tyler''': Well, if the 4 sisters are real, how come the panda bears are going extinct? ==Cast== * Stephen Lang as Dr. Michael Tyler * Ryan Slater as Ryan Tyler * Brian Wagner as Johnny * Yi Ding as Ling * Wang Fei as Chu * Lan Yu as Mr. Xu, the inspector * Isabella Hofmann as Beth Tyler * Zhou Jian Zhong as Po * Yao Er Ga as Shong ==External links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:1995 films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:1990s American films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Chinese films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Adventure films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Fantasy films|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films about giant pandas|Amazing Panda Adventure]] [[Category:Films set in China|Amazing Panda Adventure]] gzcpq1jd8rcwwh4v9zhcks3x4chzawb 0 208838 3954380 3912283 2026-06-19T10:53:24Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* External links */ 3954380 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom}}''''' is a 2018 American science fiction film directed by [[w:J.A. Bayona|J.A. Bayona]]. Set on the fictional Central American island of Isla Nublar, off the Pacific coast of Costa Rica, it follows Owen Grady and Claire Dearing as they rescue the remaining dinosaurs before a [[w:Volcano|volcanic eruption]] destroys it. {{center|'''The Park is Gone'''}} == Owen == * I know why we're here. A rescue op. Save the dinosaurs from an island that's about to explode. What could go wrong? * We hit that town, we call the cavalry to shut this down. * If I don't make it back, remember that you're the one that made me come here. I'll be alright. * ''(to the Stygimoloch)'' Hey, buddy. You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'? *''[about the Indoraptor]'' That thing can't leave this building. == Claire == * Blue is alive. You raised her. * Do you remember the first time you saw a dinosaur? First time you see them, it's like... a miracle. You read about them in books, you see the bones in museums but you don't really... believe it. They're like myths. And then you see... the first one alive. * It was all a lie! == Dr. Malcolm == * These creatures were here before us. And if we're not careful, they're gonna be here after. * Genetic power has now been unleashed. And of course, that's gonna be catastrophic. * Welcome to Jurassic World. == Dialogue == :'''Claire''': ''(looks at the computer screen)'' Proximity Alert. Something's coming. :'''Franklin''': Where does that tunnel lead? :'''Claire''': The tunnel connects to the rest of the... park. :'''Franklin''': ''(extremely nervous; looks at the tunnel with Claire)'' Claire, it's the T-Rex, it's the... :'''Claire''': Stop, it's not the T-Rex... probably. :'''Franklin''': Probably? :''(lava downpours behind them])'' :'''Franklin''': Lava! LAVA! Lava, lava! :'''Claire''': Deep breathes, Franklin! :''(a shadowy dinosaur growls behind them in the tunnel; Claire and Franklin look in it. A Baryonyx comes out of the tunnel and roars at the duo as Franklin screams)'' :'''Claire''': See! Not a T-Rex! :'''Franklin''': How is this better?! == Taglines == * Life finds a way. * The park is gone. == Cast == * [[w:Chris Pratt|Chris Pratt]] — Owen * [[Bryce Dallas Howard]] — Claire * [[w:Rafe Spall|Rafe Spall]] — Eli * [[w:Justice Smith|Justice Smith]] — Franklin * [[w:Daniella Pineda|Daniella Pineda]] — Zia * [[James Cromwell]] — Sir Lockwood * [[w:Toby Jones|Toby Jones]] — Mr. Eversol * [[w:Ted Levine|Ted Levine]] — Wheatley * [[w:B. D. Wong|B. D. Wong]] — Dr. Henry Wu * Isabella Sermon — Maisie * [[w:Geraldine Chaplin|Geraldine Chaplin]] — Iris * [[Jeff Goldblum]] — Ian Malcolm == External links == {{wikipedia}} *{{IMDb title|4881806|Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom}} *{{rotten-tomatoes|jurassic_world_fallen_kingdom|Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom}} {{Jurassic Park}} [[Category:2018 films]] [[Category:2010s American films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Jurassic Park films|5]] [[Category:Films set on islands]] [[Category:Films set in California]] [[Category:Films set in Costa Rica]] [[Category:Films about dinosaurs]] [[Category:Films about revenge]] [[Category:Films about animal cruelty]] [[Category:Films about animal rights]] [[Category:Films about volcanoes]] {{film-stub}} [[Category:Films set in country houses]] 9f1mrll14i686h3p9se5y12cbthe7jr 0 210340 3954198 3891854 2026-06-18T17:13:05Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from the United Kingdom]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from the United Kingdom]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954198 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Vanessa Beeley|Vanessa Beeley]]''' (born 17 June 1964) is a British activist and blogger known for her views about the [[w:Syrian civil war|Syrian civil war]] and about the Syrian volunteer organisation the [[w:White Helmets (Syrian Civil War)|White Helmets]]. == Quotes == *At the entrance to Shrehi, one of the villages attacked by [[ISIS]] in July, we stopped the car to visit the poster that had been erected with the names of the martyrs killed during the attack. Young men, women, children, murdered by a terrorist group with a history of collusion with the US Coalition against Syria and the Syrian Arab Army. **[https://21stcenturywire.com/2018/10/06/sweida-a-bloody-massacre-barely-registered-by-western-media-as-isis-slaughter-innocent-civilians-in-their-sleep/ ''SWEIDA: A Bloody Massacre Barely Registered by Western Media as [[ISIS]] Slaughter Innocent Civilians in their Sleep, by Vanessa Beeley, 21stCenturyWire''] (6 October 2018). [[File:Hrs 140925-D-ZZ999-001 Airstrikes from Saudi Arabia, UAE and the USA against oil refineries in eastern Syria controlled by the ISIL (2014).jpg|thumb|Airstrikes from Saudi Arabia, UAE and the USA against oil refineries in eastern Syria]] [[File:Us troops in syria.jpg|thumb|US troops convoy in Syria (23 December 2018)]] ==About Vanessa Beeley== * [Beeley] began attacking the [[w:White Helmets (Syrian civil war)|White Helmets]] vehemently. In 2015, she had called for the [[w:Urban search and rescue|first responders]] to be killed, even though "violence to life and person [against civilians and non-combatants], in particular murder of all kinds" is prohibited by the [[w:Fourth Geneva Convention|Geneva Convention]]. "White Helmets are not getting it," she tweeted. "We know they are terrorists. Makes them a legit target."<br />Beeley has admitted, in a private [[w:Facebook|Facebook]] conversation with the blogger Scott Gaulke that was obtained by hackers and subsequently published, that even Assad does not deny torture. She wrote, "even Govt members dont [sic] deny it btw," adding that she would never admit this publicly. ** [[Janine di Giovanni]] [https://www.nybooks.com/online/2018/10/16/why-assad-and-russia-target-the-white-helmets/ "Why Assad and Russia Target the White Helmets"] ''The New York Review of Books'' (October 16, 2018). * Beeley’s Twitter account is routinely referenced by Russian government social media accounts. She has a significant platform through Russian state media, her blogs have been cited in defence of [[Bashar al-Assad|Assad]]'s atrocities by the Russian government, she has held meetings with the Russian foreign ministry spokeswoman, [[Maria Zakharova|Maria Zakhorova]], and has been endorsed by far-right agitators [[Katie Hopkins]] and [[Nick Griffin]] – as well as written up by [[w:InfoWars|Infowars]]. ** Oz Katerji [https://www.newstatesman.com/world/2018/08/labour-can-be-jo-cox-s-party-or-chris-williamson-s-it-cannot-be-both "Labour can be Jo Cox's party or Chris Williamson's – it cannot be both"] ''New Statesman'' (21 August 2018). * Beeley has justified the use of incendiary weapons against civilians, recycled and championed debunked conspiracy theories, and described a meeting with Assad as her proudest moment. This is cheerleading, not reporting. ** Louisa Loveluck, Middle East correspondent of ''[[w:The Washington Post|The Washington Post]]'' ([https://twitter.com/leloveluck/status/1031419536053030913 tweet] 20 August 2018), as cited in [https://www.newstatesman.com/world/2018/08/labour-can-be-jo-cox-s-party-or-chris-williamson-s-it-cannot-be-both "Labour can be Jo Cox's party or Chris Williamson's – it cannot be both"] ''New Statesman'' (21 August 2018). * Assad’s very own [[Alex Jones]]. ** [[James O'Brien (broadcaster)|James O'Brien]] ([https://twitter.com/mrjamesob/status/1031270485408006144 tweet] dated 19 August 2018), cited in [https://www.newstatesman.com/world/2018/08/labour-can-be-jo-cox-s-party-or-chris-williamson-s-it-cannot-be-both "Labour can be Jo Cox's party or Chris Williamson's – it cannot be both"] ''New Statesman'' (21 August 2018). * For allegations against the rebels, Beeley’s threshhold of proof is so low that it’s almost non-existent. For allegations against the regime it’s so high that it may never be reached. **[[w:Brian Whitaker|Brian Whitaker]], [https://medium.com/@Brian_Whit/vanessa-beeley-the-syrian-conflicts-goddess-of-propaganda-2c84f850dba4 "Vanessa Beeley — the Syrian conflict’s goddess of propaganda"] ''Medium'' (30 April 2018). == External links== {{Wikipedia}} * [https://twitter.com/VanessaBeeley/ Beeley's Twitter page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Beeley,Vanessa}} [[Category:1964 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Investigative journalists]] [[Category:Political authors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women activists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Conspiracy theorists]] [[Category:Bloggers]] [[Category:Women authors from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women journalists from the United Kingdom]] [[Category:Women born in the 1960s]] spbihmb7synlbd3wn2bwms8zuc02sgy 0 211261 3954301 3427204 2026-06-18T21:45:54Z GrimRob 1187925 link 3954301 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Tian Tan Buddha by Beria.jpg|thumb|From the point of Light within the Mind of God, Let Light stream forth into the minds of men. Let Light descend on Earth.]] [[File:Niccolo di Segna, Christ Blessing, ca. 1340, North Carolina Museum of Art.jpg|thumb|From the point of Love within the Heart of God, Let love stream forth into the hearts of men. May Christ return to Earth.]] [[File:Titian, Salvator Mundi (Christ Blessing), c. 1570, oil on canvas, 96 x 80 cm, Hermitage Museum.jpg|thumb|From the centre where the Will of God is known, Let purpose guide the little wills of men – The purpose which the Masters know and serve.]] [[File:World_Peace_Gong_in_Gödöllő.JPG|thumb|From the centre which we call the race of men, Let the Plan of Love and Light work out, And may it seal the door where evil dwells.]] [[File:Karbala_-_26_August_2007_(12_8606040599_L600).jpg|thumb|Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth.]] '''The Great Invocation''' is a 1937 [[mantra]] by [[Alice Bailey]]. == ''[[w:Alice_Bailey#The_Great_Invocation|The Great Invocation]]''== * From the point of Light within the Mind of God * Let light stream forth into the minds of men. * Let Light descend on Earth. <br><br> * From the point of Love within the Heart of God * Let love stream forth into the hearts of men. * May Christ return to Earth.<br><br> * From the centre where the Will of God is known * Let purpose guide the little wills of men – * The purpose which the Masters know and serve. <br><br> * From the centre which we call the race of men * Let the Plan of Love and Light work out * And may it seal the door where evil dwells.<BR><BR> * Let Light and Love and Power restore the Plan on Earth. ==Quotes about The Great Invocation== *Some time ago I gave out to the world – under instruction from the Christ – an Invocation that is destined to become of major usefulness in bringing about certain great events. These are: # An outpouring of love and light upon mankind, from Shamballa. # An invocatory appeal to the Christ, the Head of the Hierarchy, to reappear. # The establishing on earth of the divine Plan, to be accomplished willingly by humanity itself. *Incidentally, these three events are relatively near, and will be brought about by a conscious working out of the immediate phase of the Plan, which it is the divine [[intention]] to bring about to a certain extent, before the reappearance of the Christ. The establishing of right human relations, is the immediate task, and is that phase of the Plan of Love and Light to which humanity can most easily respond, and for which they are already evidencing a sense of responsibility. *Little attention has been paid to the factor of invocation as expressed by the people of the world; yet down the ages the invocative cry of humanity has risen to the Hierarchy, and brought response. . . . *Now the Great Invocation, as used by the Hierarchy itself, has been given out to the world. So reactionary is human thinking, that the claim made by me, that it is one of the greatest of the world's prayers, and is on a par with the other voiced expressions of spiritual desire and [[intention]], will evoke criticism. That is of no importance . . . *The uniqueness connected with the Invocation, consists in the fact that it is, in reality, a great method of integration. It links the Father, the Christ and humanity in one great relationship. . . . The Great Invocation relates the will of the Father (or of Shamballa), the love of the Hierarchy, and the service of Humanity, into one great Triangle of Energies; this triangle will have two major results: the "sealing of the door where evil dwells", and the working out through the Power of God, let loose on earth through the Invocation, of the Plan of Love and Light . . . *The Invocation has been sent out by the combined Ashrams of the Masters and by the entire Hierarchy; it is used by its Members with constancy, exactitude and power. It will serve to integrate the two great centres: the Hierarchy and Humanity, and to relate them both in a new and dynamic manner to the "centre where the Will of God is known". *I ask you, therefore, during the coming years, to prepare, to use, and to distribute the Invocation, and make it a major endeavour. **[[Alice Bailey]], [[Djwhal Khul]] ''The Rays and the Initiations'' (1960) [https://www.lucistrust.org/books/ponder_on_this/ponder_online/contents/part_2/books_ponder_on_this_ponder_online_contents_part_2_064_067#64 p. 755-759] *This new Invocation, if given widespread distribution, can be to the new world religion what the [[Lord's Prayer]] has been to Christianity and the 23rd [[Psalms|Psalm]] has been to the spiritually minded Jew. **Lucis Trust, "The Use and Significance of the Great Invocation," https://www.lucistrust.org/the_great_invocation/the_use_and_significance_the_great_invocation1, accessed Nov 20, 2021 *This invocation is a mantram for "Light and Power" and presents what may be considered a blueprint of the Divine Plan as the Plan is intended to express itself on Earth through the medium of the human race. The Tibetan Teacher and [[Masters of Wisdom|Master of the Wisdom]], [[Djwhal Khul]], labored most meticulously with [[Alice Bailey|Alice A. Bailey]], his amanuensis, to ensure that this ancient Word of power was translated with great exactitude into the English language. <BR> Today, this mantram is known all over the world as "The Great Invocation"; it has been translated into over a hundred languages and is used on a daily basis by millions of human beings. Every year, World Invocation Day is dedicated to the ceaseless sounding of The Great Invocation - in almost every country of the world. ** Michael D. Robbins, [https://sevenray.org/the-great-invocation/ The Great Invocation, ''Seven Ray Institute''] *At this time, the Great Invocation is the greatest aid to humanity. The fulcrum, the axis of the Great Invocation, is Christ - the reappearance of the great Lord, [the] Christ...a living individual... <BR>[[Mantra|Mantrams]] are like chemical or geometrical formulas; changing one word gives the mantram an entirely different result, or makes it misleading, dangerous or useless. Mantrams are transmitters of energy. When the transmitter is not constructed in a particular order, the energies can be destructive or negative, creating confusion and chaos in the subtle planes of human endeavor. Many mental disorders are the result of a misuse of prayers, mantrams and chanting. Let us not forget that the Hierarchy uses the Great Invocation in its original form every day.... '''Those who, with good [[intentions]], want to change the Great Invocation, would do better to create a totally different invocation of their own - instead of distorting a masterpiece painting with their unskilled brush.''' **Torkom Saraydarian in "Triangles of Fire" quoted [https://www.tsgfoundation.org/40-faqs/teaching/19-the-great-invocation.html by the TSG Foundation] ==Group Meditations that use the Great Invocation== *[[Transmission Meditation]] *[[Triangles Meditation]] == See Also == * [[The Ageless Wisdom Teachings]] *[[Alice Bailey]] *[[Mantras]] *[[Meditation]] *[[Prayer]] ==External Links== * [https://www.lucistrust.org/the_great_invocation The Great Invocation] Lucis Trust [[Category:Religion]] q26mqcjp6t82lj3e6dizbdhl4jfvk28 0 215883 3954177 3946085 2026-06-18T16:11:31Z ~2026-34451-46 3340243 /* Steam Team */ 3954177 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|16]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 21|21]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 23|23]] | '''Movies''': [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] / [[Calling All Engines!]] / [[The Great Discovery]] / [[Hero of the Rails]] / '''Misty Island Rescue''' / [[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]] / [[Blue Mountain Mystery]] / [[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] / [[Tale of the Brave]] / [[The Adventure Begins]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]] / [[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]] / [[Journey Beyond Sodor]] / [[Big World! Big Adventures!]] | [[Thomas and Friends|Main]] ---- '''''Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue''''' is a 2010 movie special of ''[[Thomas and Friends|Thomas (the Tank Engine) & Friends]]''. This special takes place between [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|Season 13]] and [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]]. {{film-stub}} ==Steam Team== ===Thomas=== * ''This'' is Misty Island? * ''[scared]'' Fizzling fireboxes, ??? ''[shouting]'' <span style="color:green">'''HEEEEELP!!!'''</span style="color:green"> ===Percy=== * Cranky, Salty! Look! That must be Misty Island! ==Diesel== * So long, Thomas. ==Logging Locos== ===Bash=== * I'm Bash. ===Dash=== * I'm Dash. ===Ferdinand=== * And I'm... Ferdinand. ==Diesel 10== * You'll be laughing on the other side of your boilers soon, silly steamies. ''[laughs evilly; then exhales]'' Yes. ==Cast== * {{w|Matt Wilkinson}} as Diesel 10 ** {{w|Rupert Degas}} (originally) * {{w|Keith Wickham}} as Salty and Captain * {{w|Togo Igawa}} as Hiro ===US dub=== * [[w:Martin Sherman (actor)|Martin Sherman]] as Thomas & Percy (Best Friends) * {{w|Kerry Shale}} as Dash, Harold, Gordon, James, Henry, Kevin, & Sir Topham Hatt * [[w:William Hope (actor)|William Hope]] as Bash, Whiff, Edward, Toby, Rocky and the Dock Manager * {{w|Glenn Wrage}} as Ferdinand and Cranky * {{w|Jules de Jongh}} as Emily * {{w|David Bedella}} as Victor * {{w|Michael Brandon}} as Diesel and the Narrator ===UK dub=== * Narrated by {{w|Michael Angelis}} * {{w|Ben Small}} as Thomas, Ferdinand and Toby * Keith Wickham as Dash, Harold, Whiff, Percy, Henry, Gordon, James, Henry and the Fat Controller * {{w|Teresa Gallagher}} as Emily * Matt Wilkinson as Bash, Victor, Rocky, Cranky, Kevin and the Dock Manager * Kerry Shale as Diesel ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Misty Island Rescue}} {{Thomas & Friends}} [[Category:2010 animated films]] [[Category:British computer-animated films]] [[Category:Children's animated adventure films]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy films]] [[Category:Children's animated fantasy films]] [[Category:Films based on television series]] [[Category:Thomas & Friends films‎]] [[Category:Films directed by Greg Tiernan]] [[Category:Films based on children's books]] [[Category:Films based on animated television series]] cmiitf3gqaa7qlafm89a0v1e5y2dqj2 0 217118 3954293 3923203 2026-06-18T21:24:51Z Hhrlan23 3222540 /* External links */ 3954293 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Unnatural History (film)|Unnatural History]]''''' is a 1959 [[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]] cartoon directed by [[w:Abe Levitow|Abe Levitow]], with a story by [[w:Michael Maltese|Michael Maltese]]. The cartoon is made up of [[w:blackout gag|blackout gag]]s with no real story tying them together, similar to many cartoons directed by [[w:Tex Avery|Tex Avery]]. :''Directed by [[w:Abe Levitow|Abe Levitow]]. Story by [[w:Michael Maltese|Michael Maltese]].'' ==Dialogue== :'''Man with Talking Dog''': ''[to the theater agent]'' Well I tell ya, this mutt can really talk. Listen: What covers a house? ''[dog barks]'' See? He said "roof". What's my name? ''[dog barks]'' See? He said "Ralph". Who was the greatest baseball player? ''[dog barks]'' See? He said "Ruth". :''[The agent throws the man and the dog out of his office]'' :'''Talking Dog''': Maybe I should've said "DiMaggio"? ==Voice cast== * [[w:Mel Blanc|Mel Blanc]] as Rover / Man with Talking Dog / Talking Dog / John / Martian / Cal the Chameleon / Porcupines. * [[w:Ed Prentiss|Ed Prentiss]] as Professor Beest Lee. (uncredited) * [[w:June Foray|June Foray]] as Various. (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0053396}} [[Category:1959 animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:Children's animated comic science fiction short films]] [[Category:Children's animated science fantasy short films]] [[Category:Fantasy-comedy films]] [[Category:Bugs Bunny cartoons]] [[Category:Pepé Le Pew cartoons]] [[Category:Animated films about ants]] [[Category:Animated films about apes]] [[Category:Films about mice]] [[Category:Animated films about elephants]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Animated films about squirrels]] [[Category:Films about lizards]] [[Category:Films about technology]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated films set in the United States]] [[Category:Films set in hospitals]] [[Category:Animated films set in forests]] [[Category:Films directed by Abe Levitow]] 7iv7i45ekefio3tx1vxgy7ql9fehgcq 3954294 3954293 2026-06-18T21:25:13Z Hhrlan23 3222540 /* External links */ 3954294 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Unnatural History (film)|Unnatural History]]''''' is a 1959 [[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]] cartoon directed by [[w:Abe Levitow|Abe Levitow]], with a story by [[w:Michael Maltese|Michael Maltese]]. The cartoon is made up of [[w:blackout gag|blackout gag]]s with no real story tying them together, similar to many cartoons directed by [[w:Tex Avery|Tex Avery]]. :''Directed by [[w:Abe Levitow|Abe Levitow]]. Story by [[w:Michael Maltese|Michael Maltese]].'' ==Dialogue== :'''Man with Talking Dog''': ''[to the theater agent]'' Well I tell ya, this mutt can really talk. Listen: What covers a house? ''[dog barks]'' See? He said "roof". What's my name? ''[dog barks]'' See? He said "Ralph". Who was the greatest baseball player? ''[dog barks]'' See? He said "Ruth". :''[The agent throws the man and the dog out of his office]'' :'''Talking Dog''': Maybe I should've said "DiMaggio"? ==Voice cast== * [[w:Mel Blanc|Mel Blanc]] as Rover / Man with Talking Dog / Talking Dog / John / Martian / Cal the Chameleon / Porcupines. * [[w:Ed Prentiss|Ed Prentiss]] as Professor Beest Lee. (uncredited) * [[w:June Foray|June Foray]] as Various. (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0053396}} {{Looney Tunes}} [[Category:1959 animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:Children's animated comic science fiction short films]] [[Category:Children's animated science fantasy short films]] [[Category:Fantasy-comedy films]] [[Category:Bugs Bunny cartoons]] [[Category:Pepé Le Pew cartoons]] [[Category:Animated films about ants]] [[Category:Animated films about apes]] [[Category:Films about mice]] [[Category:Animated films about elephants]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Films about chickens]] [[Category:Animated films about squirrels]] [[Category:Films about lizards]] [[Category:Films about technology]] [[Category:Animated films about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Animated films set in the United States]] [[Category:Films set in hospitals]] [[Category:Animated films set in forests]] [[Category:Films directed by Abe Levitow]] 2wfwhvw3p4e53cwt9ta2vso46wa06wz 0 217650 3954197 3899089 2026-06-18T17:12:16Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Italy]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954197 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Beatrice Borromeo 2017.jpg|thumb|Beatrice Borromeo 2017]] '''[[w:Beatrice Borromeo|Beatrice dei Principi Borromeo Arese Taverna]]''' (born 18 August 1985) is a member of the ancient [[w:Aristocracy (class)|aristocrat]]ic [[w:House of Borromeo|House of Borromeo]], and she is well known in the [[w:Italy|Italian]] news media as a television personality. She is the wife of [[Pierre Casiraghi]], younger son of [[Caroline, Princess of Hanover]]. She is a former Italian TV presenter, newspaper journalist, and film producer. She is F4D's Special Envoy for Human Rights. == Quotes == === ''Corriere'' interview (26 Oct 2006) === <small>Interview by Claudio Sabelli Fioretti, ''Corriere'' Magazine, quoted in [http://archive.today/fUkOI ''Interviste.sabellifioretti.it'', 26 October 2006]</small> * I want to find a job to be proud of. One of those jobs you're standing up to at four in the morning because you don't feel like quitting. * The Church no, I do not like it. [The Pope] intervenes in politics, in things that do not concern him. He did damage that could not be worse than this. ** Here, she was talking specifically about [[Pope Benedict XVI]]. * He is not a Pope, he is a theologian. I do not like him. He has no humanity. It has pissed off the whole Islamic world. ** Again, referring to he who was Pope at the time of the interview * Politics is something you choose. And you also choose your lifestyle. But you don't choose your belonging to a class. * Mussolini insists on keeping the memory of her grandfather high. Impossible business. She would do better to distance herself, both politically and humanly. ** Referring to [[Alessandra Mussolini]], politically active granddaughter of Italian fascist dictator [[Benito Mussolini]] * There is no limit to evil, but Bossi is the limit of what can be ugly in the world. ** Referring to Italian politician Umberto Bossi === Selvaggia Lucarelli interview (6 March 2015) === * It is clear that in my life there are contradictions. There is a contrast between my work life and my family life and that of my partner. Whoever criticizes me has his reasons. I cannot have credibility in the eyes of everyone, but in the end, I am more normal than I look.... The altered reality, the yacht, is much photographed, as well as formal situations in which I accompany Pierre because I’m his partner and should be at his side. But then there is another reality that no one tells. I never go out, I’m always at home in the evening. I have dinner, watch a movie, and go to sleep. If Pierre is not there, it is mostly my friends who keep me company. And I live in Milan, not Monte Carlo. ** [https://web.archive.org/web/20190319021828/http://selvaggialucarelli.com/2015/03/06/media/intervista-a-beatrice-borromeo/ Archived from the blog of Selvaggia Lucarelli] === ''Women's Wear Daily'' interview (22 Sep 2017) === <small>Interview to promote her documentary about the children of Caivano [https://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:9X24Ne_TEyYJ:https://wwd.com/eye/people/beatrice-borromeo-casiraghi-documentary-about-italian-children-victimized-by-mafia-drug-trade-10999176/+&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us Women's Wear Daily, 22 September 2017]</small> * This is where the Mafia stockpiles heroin for basically the whole of Europe. It is the place drug dealers go to buy drugs, not normal people. The life of children there is insane. They get recruited very early on, when they are 12 or 13. They turn into lookouts, hide drugs, transport drugs and there is absolutely nothing that saves them. * My film is called ''Never Children'' [in Italian, ''Bambini Mai''] because they have no chance of living as children. If they go outdoors, there are shootings, drug-related crimes of every kind, and a network of pedophiles operating in that neighborhood. There were 12 cases in the last two years, and two children died because of that. It’s just a nightmare of a place for someone to be a child. * Worst case scenario — they slap you and break your camera. It’s not really a life-threatening type of situation. It’s not as though all of a sudden it’s super-dangerous. You know what you’re doing and then you decide to take the risk or not. Last year I didn’t want to take too many because I was pregnant. ** Speaking about the dangers of filming the documentary in Caivano and wearing a bulletproof vest * He sails on the GC32s, the fastest boats in the world that are the same boats used in the America’s Cup. Now he’s opened a medieval combat club so he does medieval combat. In the end, we look at each other and say, ‘We’re just going to have to accept who we are and pray.' ** Speaking about her husband == Quotes about Beatrice == * I remember that when on ''Anno Zero'', [Michele] Santoro chose Beatrice Borromeo, beautiful and blonde, they all criticized her. She was not human that could be [beautiful and] intelligent too. Today, after graduating in Italy and in two months at Columbia University, if they do not to say congratulations, a dignified silence, at the very least. ** The late [[Franca Sozzani]], editor at ''Vogue Italia'', in 2012 ** Written by Sozzani [http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:Cw0Q9N2MR3oJ:https://www.vogue.it/magazine/blog-del-direttore/2012/04/16-aprile&client=safari&hl=en&gl=us&strip=1&vwsrc=0 in a post on ''Vogue Italia'''s website entitled, ''E così si sfata il mito della bionda bella e sciocca'', 16 April 2012] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commonscat}} [[Category:Catholics from Italy]] [[Category:Women journalists from Italy]] [[Category:Columnists from Italy]] [[Category:Television personalities]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:1985 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:People from Milan]] [[Category:Women activists from Italy]] igfsi6yabny5mjtmfr02lgkfe0ci1y8 0 222603 3954295 3716958 2026-06-18T21:26:25Z Hhrlan23 3222540 /* External links */ 3954295 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:I Taw a Putty Tat|I Taw a Putty Tat]]''''' is a short [[w:Merrie Melodies|Merrie Melodies]] animated cartoon released on April 2, 1948, and directed by [[w:Friz Freleng|Friz Freleng]]. It stars [[w:Tweety|Tweety]] and [[w:Sylvester (Looney Tunes)|Sylvester]], both voiced by [[w:Mel Blanc|Mel Blanc]]. The uncredited voice of the lady of the house (seen only from the neck down, as she talks on the phone) was [[w:Bea Benaderet|Bea Benaderet]]. :''Directed by [[w:Friz Freleng|Friz Freleng]]. Produced by [[w:Edward Selzer|Edward Selzer]]. (uncredited) Story by [[w:Tedd Pierce|Tedd Pierce]].'' ==Dialogue== :''[Tweety dodges Sylvester as he tries to snatch him from the cage]'' :'''Sylvester''': Oh come on, stand still! How do you expect me to grab ya when ya jump around like a flea on a hot brick? :'''Tweety''': ''[innocently]'' Oh, I'm supposed to stand still? OK, puddy tat, I stand still. :''[Sylvester grabs Tweety and puts him in his mouth]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Tweety is inside Sylvester's mouth]'' :'''Tweety''': Where'd the putty tat gone? Here, putty tat, here putty tat! You down there, putty tat? :'''The Mice''': There's nobody here but us mice! ==Voice cast== * [[w:Mel Blanc|Mel Blanc]] as Sylvester / Tweety / Bulldog * [[w:Bea Benaderet|Bea Benaderet]] as Woman. (uncredited) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|0040459}} {{Looney Tunes}} [[Category:1948 animated films]] [[Category:American animated short films]] [[Category:Traditionally animated short films]] [[Category:Children's animated comedy short films]] [[Category:Sylvester cartoons]] [[Category:Tweety cartoons]] [[Category:Animated films about dogs]] [[Category:Films directed by Friz Freleng]] d5574ap048umznn3dbn38xc9ebj6nql 0 223767 3954280 3951605 2026-06-18T20:49:43Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 /* External links */ 3954280 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:What's new Scoobydoo ?.jpg|thumb]] '''''[[w:What's New, Scooby-Doo?|What's New, Scooby-Doo?]]''''' is an American animated children's television series part of the ''[[Scooby-Doo]]'' franchise. ==Season 1== ===There's No Creature Like Snow Creature=== :'''Chris Klug''': But, Avalanche, why? ===3-D Struction=== :'''Luis Cepeda''': We would've gotten away with it, if it weren't for you meddling ''turistas''. :'''Shaggy''': Good thing this place doesn't have a meddle detector. Right, Scoob? :'''Scooby''': Yeah. ''[giggles]'' ===Space Ape at the Cape=== :'''Velma''': ''[to Elliot]'' That's it! ===Big Scary in the Big Easy=== :'''Daphne''': I wonder how you say "meddling kids" in French? ===Roller Ghoster Ride=== :'''Daphne''': Just rude. ===Safari So Goodie!=== :'''Lloyd''': C'mon, you two, let's see how you like being stuck in the hole. :'''Honey''': I told you those kids were meddling! :'''Henry''': No, I told ''you'', and I also told you we should have gone back to Niagara Falls! :'''Honey''': [[w:Chicken in the Rough (film)|The only thing we can poach there is eggs!]] ===A Scooby Doo Christmas=== :'''Professor''': Well, that gold is rightfully mine. :'''Ash''': Why? Are you a descendant of Blackjack Brody? :'''Velma''': No, he's William Fagan Hagansen, a descendant of the man he robbed: Seamus Fagan. :'''Professor Hagansen''': It's true. Brody robbed my great grandfather, and Christmas is ruined for my family ever since. ===Toy Scary Boo=== :'''Velma''': My little cousin is counting on me to get a Spaceman Swinton action figure for his birthday. ==Season 2== ===The Vampire Strikes Back=== :'''Fred''': Okay, Velma, start singing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Shaggy''': Ouch! Get off of me, man! :'''Man''': Bad beetle! ===Homeward Hound=== :'''Skull''': Quiet! ''Boy'', do I hate dogs?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Skull''': The dogs are gone?! ==Season 3== ===Go West, Young Scoob=== :'''Velma''': [[w:Robots (2005 film)|Freddy, just a robots.]] <hr width=60%> :'''Fred''': Whoa! Hey! [Grabs the tree]'' :'''Shaggy''': Yippe-yi-ah! Whoa! Ah! ''[splashing, Shaggy gets wet]'' :'''Scooby''': ''[giggling]'' :'''Velma''': '' 🎶 Came from Alabama / With a banjo on my knee / And I'm going to California / My true love for to see / Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me / 'Cause I'm going to California / With a banjo on my knee / Oh, Susannah, don't you cry for me / 'Cause I'm going to California / With a banjo on my knee / Oh, Susannah, don't you... 🎶 '' :'''Scooby''': Yo! Yo! Giddyap, little dogs! ''[giggles]'' Yeehaw! ===A Terrifying Round with a Menacin' Metallic Clown=== :'''Velma''': ''[sobs and runs away]'' :'''Fred''': Who would've thought your mom would get the only clown in the world who uses a paper shredder as a prop? ===Camp ComeonIwannascareya=== :'''Shaggy''': I'm the counselor of cabin 13? ===Gold Paw=== :'''D.I. Payne''': ''[metal rattling with disembodied] Good work, sir!'' :'''Mr. B''': Secret 6?! <hr width="50%"/> :'''General''': What are you doing in the secret development lab?! ===E-Scream=== :'''Prof. Ostwald''': Be careful out there. <hr width=50%/> :'''Osomon''': It's fun time. <hr width=50%/> :'''Fred''': Well, gang, I think we should look for clues. :'''Velma''': Um, Fred, isn't there something missing from that plan? :'''Fred''': I don't think so. :'''Velma''': Splitting up! Ring a bell? You always wanna split up and look for clues. :'''Fred''': Really? Well, I think it'd be a lot safer if we stuck together. :'''Velma''': ''[confused]'' Okay... <hr width=50%/> :'''Daphne''': ''[after being tugged into the Mystery Machine from the flowing water and loses her shoe]'' Thanks, Scooby. :'''Fred''': Oh, no, Daphne! You lost your shoe! :'''Daphne''': That's okay, I always have a spare. ''[puts a green shoe that doesn't match her usual purple one]'' :'''Velma''': Uh, Daphne, your shoes don't match. :'''Daphne''': Oh, really? Ha, no big deal. :'''Velma''': ''[bewildered]'' No big deal? But you- :'''Fred''': Ah... ''[notices the water flooding]'' <hr width=50%/> :'''Velma''': I sure would like to trap one of those Osomons, so I could get a better look at their wiring. :'''Daphne''': Trap? That's kind of Fred's area, but I'll do my best. :'''Shaggy''': Well, how about Scoob and I act as live bait? ''[Scooby nods in agreement]'' We can lead the Osomons in here. :'''Daphne''': Perfect! :'''Velma''': ''[shocked]'' Wait a second! You ''want'' to be live bait, without even asking for Scooby Snax? :'''Shaggy''': Sure! C'mon, Scoob, old buddy. :'''Velma''': What is going on here? <hr width=50%/> :'''Shaggy''': ''[One Osomon bites his arms]'' '''''TOINKS!''''' ''[Velma finally realizes that she's still in Prof. Ostwald's virtual reality game after witnessing the gang's characterizations]'' :'''Velma''': ''[surprised]'' "Toinks"? I've solved this mystery! :''[everything freezes except Velma, reveling it to be part of the virtual reality game]'' :'''Prof. Ostwald''': Bravo, Velma, bravo! You figured it out. :'''Velma''': There never ''were'' any Osomons. This was all a game you created for me. I never even left your virtual mystery studio, did I? :'''Prof. Ostwald''': No, you didn't. ''[turns the game off]'' But I have to know. How ''did'' you figure it out? :'''Velma''': Well, you really created a great mystery. But you don't know my friends as well as I do. ''[flashbacks, contrasting the virtual gang's characterizations to the real gang's]'' First of all, Fred always wants to split up. And Daphne - she would never wear shoes that don't match. Shaggy and Scooby wouldn't volunteer to be live bait. And most importantly... :'''Shaggy''': Like, TOINKS! ''[flashbacks end]'' :'''Velma''':...Shaggy doesn't say "Toinks", he says, "Zoinks". :'''Prof. Ostwald''': Looks like I still have some work to do. <hr width=50%/> :''[Velma meets up with the real gang after her game]'' :'''Shaggy''': Hey! It's Velma. Want some game pops, or some game corn, or maybe some game nachos? :'''Velma''': ''[chuckles]'' No, thanks, I'm good. :'''Fred''': You've been gone for a while. :'''Daphne''': Yeah, where were you? :'''Velma''': Oh, nowhere special. ''[notices the same zombies from the game; freaks out]'' Oh, no! The zombie kids! They're real! ''[screams, flees away, leaves the gang confused]'' :'''Shaggy''': Like, what got into her? :'''Fred''': Huh, beats me. :'''Daphne''': Those aren't zombies, they've just played too many video games today. ''[the zombies are just real people who got headaches from playing videos games; Shaggy and Scooby play a game with their eyes going red]'' :'''Shaggy and Scooby''': ''[in zombie voices]'' Scooby-Dooby-Doo... == See also == * ''[[Scooby-Doo! and the Loch Ness Monster]]'' * ''[[Aloha, Scooby-Doo!]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! in Where's My Mummy?]]' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! Pirates Ahoy!]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! and the Goblin King]]'' * ''[[Scooby-Doo! and the Samurai Sword]]'' ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{Scooby-Doo}} {{Authority control}} [[Category:2000s American animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Traditionally animated TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated horror TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated mystery TV shows]] [[Category:Cancelled shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:The WB animated TV shows]] [[Category:Kids' WB shows]] [[Category:Television series by Warner Bros. Animation]] [[Category:Disney Channel shows]] [[Category:Cartoon Network shows]] gite8annbebrz4bertrc01gi01mbjnb 0 233895 3954335 3722492 2026-06-19T00:09:07Z Kalki 71 add quote and image 3954335 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Freedom Sun(g).jpg|thumb|Juneteenth has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]] '''[[w:Juneteenth|Juneteenth]]''' (a [[w:portmanteau|portmanteau]] of ''June'' and ''nineteenth'') – also known as '''Freedom Day''', '''Jubilee Day''', '''Liberation Day''', and '''Emancipation Day''' – is a holiday celebrating the emancipation of those who had been [[w:Slavery in the United States|enslaved in the United States]]. Originating in [[w:Galveston, Texas|Galveston, Texas]], it is now celebrated annually on the [[w:June 19|19th of June]] throughout the [[United States]], with varying official recognition. It is commemorated on the anniversary date of the June 19, 1865 announcement by [[w:Union Army|Union Army]] general [[w:Gordon Granger|Gordon Granger]], proclaiming freedom from slavery in [[Texas]]. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == *Juneteenth marks both the long, hard night of slavery and subjugation, and a promise of a brighter morning to come. This is a day of profound — in my view — profound weight and profound power. A day in which we remember the moral stain, the terrible toll that slavery took on the country and continues to take — what I’ve long called “America’s original sin.” At the same time, I also remember the extraordinary capacity to heal, and to hope, and to emerge from the most painful moments and a bitter, bitter version of ourselves, but to make a better version of ourselves. You know, today, we consecrate Juneteenth for what it ought to be, what it must be: a national holiday. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/17/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-the-juneteenth-national-independence-day-act/ Remarks by President Biden at Signing of the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, WH.gov] June 17, 2021 *On June 19, 1865 — nearly nine decades after our Nation’s founding, and more than 2 years after President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation — enslaved Americans in Galveston, Texas, finally received word that they were free from bondage. As those who were formerly enslaved were recognized for the first time as citizens, Black Americans came to commemorate Juneteenth with celebrations across the country, building new lives and a new tradition that we honor today. In its celebration of freedom, Juneteenth is a day that should be recognized by all Americans. And that is why I am proud to have consecrated Juneteenth as our newest national holiday...<BR> I call upon the people of the United States to acknowledge and celebrate the end of the Civil War and the emancipation of Black Americans, and commit together to eradicate systemic racism that still undermines our founding ideals and collective prosperity. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2021/06/18/a-proclamation-on-juneteenth-day-of-observance-2021/ Proclamation on Juneteenth Day of Observance 2021, WH.gov], June 18, 2021 * Juneteenth has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. It's an affirmation that despite the most [[painful]] parts of our [[history]], [[change]] is [[possible]] –– and there is still so much [[work]] to do. ** [[Barack Obama]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/news/503595-obama-marks-juneteenth-a-celebration-of-progress/ " Obama marks Juneteenth: 'A celebration of progress'" by Marina Pitofsky, ''The Hill'' (19 June 2020)] *I went to Galveston, Texas, in part, because I wanted to spend time with people who were the actual descendants of those who had been freed by General Gordon Granger’s General Order No. 3. And it was a really remarkable moment, because I was in this place, on this island, on this land, with people for whom [[Juneteenth]] was not an abstraction. It was not a performance. It was not merely a symbol. It was part of their tradition. It was part of their lineage. It was an heirloom that had been passed down, that had made their lives possible. And so, I think I gained a more intimate sense of what that holiday meant. **[[Clint Smith (writer)]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/20/juneteenth_special_historian_clint_smith_on Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) *Over the course of decades, she has made it her mission to see that this day came. It was almost a singular mission. She has walked for miles and miles, literally and figuratively, to bring attention to Juneteenth, to make this day possible...when I think about someone like Miss [[Opal Lee]], part of what I think about is our proximity to this period of history, right? Slavery existed for 250 years in this country, and it’s only not existed for 150. And, you know, the way that I was taught about slavery, growing up, in elementary school, we were made to feel as if it was something that happened in the Jurassic age, that it was the flint stone, the dinosaurs and slavery, almost as if they all happened at the same time. But the woman who opened the National Museum of African American History and Culture alongside the Obama family in 2016 was the daughter of an enslaved person — not the granddaughter or the great-granddaughter or the great-great-granddaughter. The daughter of an enslaved person is who opened this museum of the Smithsonian in 2016. And so, clearly, for so many people, there are people who are alive today who were raised by, who knew, who were in community with, who loved people who were born into intergenerational chattel bondage. And so, this history that we tell ourselves was a long time ago wasn’t, in fact, that long ago at all. **[[Clint Smith (writer)]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/20/juneteenth_special_historian_clint_smith_on Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) * I did something good: I made [[Juneteenth]] very famous.<br>It’s actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it. **[[Donald Trump]], Wednesday 17 June 2020 interview in the Oval Office according to [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-talks-juneteenth-john-bolton-economy-in-wsj-interview-11592493771 19 June 2020 article] by Michael Bender of ''{{w|Wall Street Journal}}'', highlighted [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jun/20/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-crowd-empty-seats 21 June 2020] by [[Richard Wolffe]] of ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wiktionary-inline|Juneteenth}} *{{commonscat-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|:Category:Juneteenth|display=Juneteenth}} [[Category:Holidays and observances]] [[Category:Abolitionism]] [[Category:Slavery in the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] 4fqd4sgxptb8rbtxfuwx6cpmafhjubx 3954336 3954335 2026-06-19T00:14:09Z Kalki 71 update intro 3954336 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Freedom Sun(g).jpg|thumb|Juneteenth has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]] '''[[w:Juneteenth|Juneteenth]]''' (a [[w:portmanteau|portmanteau]] of ''June'' and ''nineteenth'') – also known as '''Freedom Day''', '''Jubilee Day''', '''Liberation Day''', and '''Emancipation Day''' – is a [[w:Federal holidays in the United States|federal holiday in the United States]] celebrating the emancipation of those who had been [[w:Slavery in the United States|enslaved]]. Originating in [[w:Galveston, Texas|Galveston, Texas]], it is now celebrated annually on the [[w:June 19|19th of June]], commemorated as the anniversary date of the June 19, 1865 announcement by [[w:Union Army|Union Army]] general [[w:Gordon Granger|Gordon Granger]], proclaiming freedom from slavery in [[Texas]]. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == *Juneteenth marks both the long, hard night of slavery and subjugation, and a promise of a brighter morning to come. This is a day of profound — in my view — profound weight and profound power. A day in which we remember the moral stain, the terrible toll that slavery took on the country and continues to take — what I’ve long called “America’s original sin.” At the same time, I also remember the extraordinary capacity to heal, and to hope, and to emerge from the most painful moments and a bitter, bitter version of ourselves, but to make a better version of ourselves. You know, today, we consecrate Juneteenth for what it ought to be, what it must be: a national holiday. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/17/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-the-juneteenth-national-independence-day-act/ Remarks by President Biden at Signing of the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, WH.gov] June 17, 2021 *On June 19, 1865 — nearly nine decades after our Nation’s founding, and more than 2 years after President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation — enslaved Americans in Galveston, Texas, finally received word that they were free from bondage. As those who were formerly enslaved were recognized for the first time as citizens, Black Americans came to commemorate Juneteenth with celebrations across the country, building new lives and a new tradition that we honor today. In its celebration of freedom, Juneteenth is a day that should be recognized by all Americans. And that is why I am proud to have consecrated Juneteenth as our newest national holiday...<BR> I call upon the people of the United States to acknowledge and celebrate the end of the Civil War and the emancipation of Black Americans, and commit together to eradicate systemic racism that still undermines our founding ideals and collective prosperity. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2021/06/18/a-proclamation-on-juneteenth-day-of-observance-2021/ Proclamation on Juneteenth Day of Observance 2021, WH.gov], June 18, 2021 * Juneteenth has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. It's an affirmation that despite the most [[painful]] parts of our [[history]], [[change]] is [[possible]] –– and there is still so much [[work]] to do. ** [[Barack Obama]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/news/503595-obama-marks-juneteenth-a-celebration-of-progress/ " Obama marks Juneteenth: 'A celebration of progress'" by Marina Pitofsky, ''The Hill'' (19 June 2020)] *I went to Galveston, Texas, in part, because I wanted to spend time with people who were the actual descendants of those who had been freed by General Gordon Granger’s General Order No. 3. And it was a really remarkable moment, because I was in this place, on this island, on this land, with people for whom [[Juneteenth]] was not an abstraction. It was not a performance. It was not merely a symbol. It was part of their tradition. It was part of their lineage. It was an heirloom that had been passed down, that had made their lives possible. And so, I think I gained a more intimate sense of what that holiday meant. **[[Clint Smith (writer)]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/20/juneteenth_special_historian_clint_smith_on Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) *Over the course of decades, she has made it her mission to see that this day came. It was almost a singular mission. She has walked for miles and miles, literally and figuratively, to bring attention to Juneteenth, to make this day possible...when I think about someone like Miss [[Opal Lee]], part of what I think about is our proximity to this period of history, right? Slavery existed for 250 years in this country, and it’s only not existed for 150. And, you know, the way that I was taught about slavery, growing up, in elementary school, we were made to feel as if it was something that happened in the Jurassic age, that it was the flint stone, the dinosaurs and slavery, almost as if they all happened at the same time. But the woman who opened the National Museum of African American History and Culture alongside the Obama family in 2016 was the daughter of an enslaved person — not the granddaughter or the great-granddaughter or the great-great-granddaughter. The daughter of an enslaved person is who opened this museum of the Smithsonian in 2016. And so, clearly, for so many people, there are people who are alive today who were raised by, who knew, who were in community with, who loved people who were born into intergenerational chattel bondage. And so, this history that we tell ourselves was a long time ago wasn’t, in fact, that long ago at all. **[[Clint Smith (writer)]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/20/juneteenth_special_historian_clint_smith_on Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) * I did something good: I made [[Juneteenth]] very famous.<br>It’s actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it. **[[Donald Trump]], Wednesday 17 June 2020 interview in the Oval Office according to [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-talks-juneteenth-john-bolton-economy-in-wsj-interview-11592493771 19 June 2020 article] by Michael Bender of ''{{w|Wall Street Journal}}'', highlighted [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jun/20/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-crowd-empty-seats 21 June 2020] by [[Richard Wolffe]] of ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wiktionary-inline|Juneteenth}} *{{commonscat-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|:Category:Juneteenth|display=Juneteenth}} [[Category:Holidays and observances]] [[Category:Abolitionism]] [[Category:Slavery in the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] ghi71lknjh8hv0v1jz2581nzvxk08cw 3954373 3954336 2026-06-19T10:33:11Z Koavf 6765 /* Quotes */ Not 100% sure how to cite this as it's a quotation within the work... 3954373 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Freedom Sun(g).jpg|thumb|Juneteenth has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. ~ [[Barack Obama]] ]] '''[[w:Juneteenth|Juneteenth]]''' (a [[w:portmanteau|portmanteau]] of ''June'' and ''nineteenth'') – also known as '''Freedom Day''', '''Jubilee Day''', '''Liberation Day''', and '''Emancipation Day''' – is a [[w:Federal holidays in the United States|federal holiday in the United States]] celebrating the emancipation of those who had been [[w:Slavery in the United States|enslaved]]. Originating in [[w:Galveston, Texas|Galveston, Texas]], it is now celebrated annually on the [[w:June 19|19th of June]], commemorated as the anniversary date of the June 19, 1865 announcement by [[w:Union Army|Union Army]] general [[w:Gordon Granger|Gordon Granger]], proclaiming freedom from slavery in [[Texas]]. {{theme-stub}} == Quotes == *'''Celebrate, educate, agitate'''. **Common slogan and reason for the holiday, {{cite journal |page=156 |last=Kachun |first=Mitch |coauthors=Noah Hume and Janice Arceneaux (quoting Mitch Kachun) |year=2008 |title=Public Memory, Cultural Legacy, and Press Coverage of the Juneteenth Revival |journal=Journalism History |volume=34 |issue=3 |doi=10.1080/00947679.2008.12062768}} *Juneteenth marks both the long, hard night of slavery and subjugation, and a promise of a brighter morning to come. This is a day of profound — in my view — profound weight and profound power. A day in which we remember the moral stain, the terrible toll that slavery took on the country and continues to take — what I’ve long called “America’s original sin.” At the same time, I also remember the extraordinary capacity to heal, and to hope, and to emerge from the most painful moments and a bitter, bitter version of ourselves, but to make a better version of ourselves. You know, today, we consecrate Juneteenth for what it ought to be, what it must be: a national holiday. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/speeches-remarks/2021/06/17/remarks-by-president-biden-at-signing-of-the-juneteenth-national-independence-day-act/ Remarks by President Biden at Signing of the Juneteenth National Independence Day Act, WH.gov] June 17, 2021 *On June 19, 1865 — nearly nine decades after our Nation’s founding, and more than 2 years after President Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation — enslaved Americans in Galveston, Texas, finally received word that they were free from bondage. As those who were formerly enslaved were recognized for the first time as citizens, Black Americans came to commemorate Juneteenth with celebrations across the country, building new lives and a new tradition that we honor today. In its celebration of freedom, Juneteenth is a day that should be recognized by all Americans. And that is why I am proud to have consecrated Juneteenth as our newest national holiday...<BR> I call upon the people of the United States to acknowledge and celebrate the end of the Civil War and the emancipation of Black Americans, and commit together to eradicate systemic racism that still undermines our founding ideals and collective prosperity. **[[Joe Biden]], [https://www.whitehouse.gov/briefing-room/presidential-actions/2021/06/18/a-proclamation-on-juneteenth-day-of-observance-2021/ Proclamation on Juneteenth Day of Observance 2021, WH.gov], June 18, 2021 * Juneteenth has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. It's an affirmation that despite the most [[painful]] parts of our [[history]], [[change]] is [[possible]] –– and there is still so much [[work]] to do. ** [[Barack Obama]], as quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/news/503595-obama-marks-juneteenth-a-celebration-of-progress/ " Obama marks Juneteenth: 'A celebration of progress'" by Marina Pitofsky, ''The Hill'' (19 June 2020)] *I went to Galveston, Texas, in part, because I wanted to spend time with people who were the actual descendants of those who had been freed by General Gordon Granger’s General Order No. 3. And it was a really remarkable moment, because I was in this place, on this island, on this land, with people for whom [[Juneteenth]] was not an abstraction. It was not a performance. It was not merely a symbol. It was part of their tradition. It was part of their lineage. It was an heirloom that had been passed down, that had made their lives possible. And so, I think I gained a more intimate sense of what that holiday meant. **[[Clint Smith (writer)]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/20/juneteenth_special_historian_clint_smith_on Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) *Over the course of decades, she has made it her mission to see that this day came. It was almost a singular mission. She has walked for miles and miles, literally and figuratively, to bring attention to Juneteenth, to make this day possible...when I think about someone like Miss [[Opal Lee]], part of what I think about is our proximity to this period of history, right? Slavery existed for 250 years in this country, and it’s only not existed for 150. And, you know, the way that I was taught about slavery, growing up, in elementary school, we were made to feel as if it was something that happened in the Jurassic age, that it was the flint stone, the dinosaurs and slavery, almost as if they all happened at the same time. But the woman who opened the National Museum of African American History and Culture alongside the Obama family in 2016 was the daughter of an enslaved person — not the granddaughter or the great-granddaughter or the great-great-granddaughter. The daughter of an enslaved person is who opened this museum of the Smithsonian in 2016. And so, clearly, for so many people, there are people who are alive today who were raised by, who knew, who were in community with, who loved people who were born into intergenerational chattel bondage. And so, this history that we tell ourselves was a long time ago wasn’t, in fact, that long ago at all. **[[Clint Smith (writer)]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2022/6/20/juneteenth_special_historian_clint_smith_on Interview] with Democracy Now (2022) * I did something good: I made [[Juneteenth]] very famous.<br>It’s actually an important event, an important time. But nobody had ever heard of it. **[[Donald Trump]], Wednesday 17 June 2020 interview in the Oval Office according to [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trump-talks-juneteenth-john-bolton-economy-in-wsj-interview-11592493771 19 June 2020 article] by Michael Bender of ''{{w|Wall Street Journal}}'', highlighted [https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2020/jun/20/donald-trump-tulsa-rally-crowd-empty-seats 21 June 2020] by [[Richard Wolffe]] of ''{{w|The Guardian}}'' == External links == *{{wikipedia-inline}} *{{wiktionary-inline|Juneteenth}} *{{commonscat-inline}} *{{wikisource-inline|:Category:Juneteenth|display=Juneteenth}} [[Category:Holidays and observances]] [[Category:Abolitionism]] [[Category:Slavery in the United States]] [[Category:African Americans]] jdr6jp6g4fmkxw5jk48d3zi7lhlek8x 0 235320 3954230 3920237 2026-06-18T17:42:50Z MusenInvincible 2414756 /* Quotes */ 3954230 wikitext text/x-wiki {{DISPLAYTITLE:''The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion''}} [[File:1905_2fnl_Velikoe_v_malom_i_antikhrist.jpg|thumb|Title Page of Serge Nilus, Great within the Small, 1905, Russia. The antisemitic pamphlet later known as the ''Protocols of the Elders of Zion'' appeared as an appendix to this book]] [[File:Hitler_portrait_crop.jpg|thumb|What many Jews unconsciously wish to do is here clearly set forth. It is not necessary to ask out of what Jewish brain these revelations sprang; but what is of vital interest is that they disclose, with an almost terrifying precision, the mentality and methods of action characteristic of the Jewish people and these writings expound in all their various directions the final aims towards which the Jews are striving. The study of real happenings, however, is the best way of judging the authenticity of those documents. ~ [[Adolf Hitler]] in ''[[Mein Kampf]]'']] '''''[[w:The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion|The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion]]''''' is a [[w:antisemitic canard|fabricated antisemitic text]] purporting to describe a grand design of [[w:Zionism|Zionist]] movement for global control. Later exposed as a hoax, the text was shown to be plagiarized from several earlier sources, some not antisemitic in nature. First published in [[w:Russian Empire|Russia]] by [[w:Sergei Nilus|Sergei Nilus]] in 1903, the document was translated into multiple languages, and disseminated internationally. Distillations of the work were assigned by some German teachers, as if factual, to be read by German schoolchildren [[w:Adolf Hitler's rise to power#Seizure of control (1931–1933)|the Nazis came to power]] in 1933, despite having been exposed as fraudulent by the British newspaper ''[[w:The Times|The Times]]'' in 1921 and the German ''[[w:Frankfurter Zeitung|Frankfurter Zeitung]]'' in 1924. It remains widely available in numerous languages, in print and on the Internet, and continues to be presented by [[w:Neo-fascism|neofascist]], [[w:Fundamentalism|fundamentalist]] and [[w:Antisemitism|antisemitic]] groups as a genuine document. It has been described as "probably the most influential work of antisemitism ever written". == Quotes == === Protocol 1 : The Basic Doctrine === * Far back in ancient times we were the first to cry among the masses of the people the words "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity," words many times repeated since those days by stupid poll-parrots who from all sides round flew down upon these baits and with them carried away the well-being of the world, true freedom of the individual, formerly so well guarded against the pressure of the mob. The would-be wise men of the goyim, the intellectuals, could not make anything out of the uttered words in their abstractness; did not note the contradiction of their meaning and interrelation: did not see that in nature there is no equality. * Behold the [[w:Alcoholism|alcoholized animals]], bemused with drink, the right to an immoderate use of which comes along with freedom. It is not for us and ours to walk that road. The peoples of the goyim are bemused with alcoholic liquors; their youth has grown stupid on classicism and from early [[w:Decadence|immorality]], into which it has been inducted by our special agents, by tutors, lackeys, governesses in the house of the wealthy, by clerks and others, by our women in the places of dissipation frequented by the goyim. In the number of these last I could also the so-called "society ladies" voluntary followers of the others in [[corruption]] and [[luxury]]. * In all corners of the earth the words "Liberty, Equality, Fraternity" brought to our ranks, thanks to our blind agents, whole legions who bore our banners with enthusiasm. And '''all the time these words were canker-worms at work boring into the well-being of the goyim, putting an end everywhere to peace, quiet, solidarity and destroying all the foundations of the goya States'''. As you will see later, this helped us to our triumph; it gave us the possibility, among other things, of getting into our hands the master card, the destruction of the privileges, or in other words of the very existence of the [[aristocracy]] of the goyim, that class which was the only defense peoples and countries had against us. On the [[w:1910s#Major_political_changes|ruins of the natural and genealogical aristocracy]] of the goyim we have set up the aristocracy of our educated class headed by the aristocracy of money. The qualifications for this aristocracy we have established in wealth, which is dependent upon us, and in knowledge, for which our learned elders provide the motive force. * Our countersign is, Force and Make-believe. Only force conquers in political affairs, especially if it be concealed in the talents essential to statesmen. [[Violence]] must be the principle, and cunning the make-believe the rule for governments which do not want to lay down their crowns at the feet of agents of some new power. This evil is the one and only means to attain the end, the good. Therefore '''we must not stop at bribery, deceit and treachery when they should serve towards the attainment of our end.''' * The abstraction of freedom has enabled us to persuade the mob in all countries that '''their government is nothing but the steward of the people who are the owners of the country''', and that the steward may be replaced like a worn-out glove. ==== About Protocol 1 ==== ===== [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005) ===== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''First Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': The [[evil]] instinct in man is more powerful than the [[Goodness|good]]. Man leans more toward the evil than the good; [[fear]] and [[power]] have more control over him than [[reason]]….All men seek power, and there is none who would not be an oppressor if he could; all, or nearly all, are ready to sacrifice the rights of others to their own interests. <br> What restrains these ravenous [[animals]] that we call men> In the beginnings of society, it is brute [[force]], without control; later, it is the law, that is, force again, ruled by certain forms. You have consulted all the sources of history; everywhere force appears before justice. <br> Political liberty is only a relative idea…. :'''Protocols''': <br> Number 1, paras. 3-6 <br> It must be noted that men with and instincts are more in number than the good, and therefore the best results in governing them are attained by violence and terrorization, and not by academic discussions. Every man aims at power, everyone would like to become a dictator if only he could, and rare indeed are the men who would be willing to sacrifice the welfare of all for the sake of securing their own welfare. What has restrained the beasts of prey who are called men? What has served for their guidance hitherto? <br> In the beginnings of the structure of society they were subjected to brute and blind force afterwards to law, which is the same force, only disguised. I draw the conclusion that by the law of nature right lies in force. Political freedom is an idea but not a fact. :* p.73 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''First Dialogue'' <br> States, once constituted, have two kinds of enemies: the enemies within and the enemies without. What arms shall they employ in war against the foreigners? Will the two enemy generals communicate to one another their campaign plans in order that each shall be able to defend himself? Will they forbid themselves night attacks, snares, ambuscades, battles in which the number of troops are unequal? Without doubt, they will not. And such fighters would make one laugh. And these snares, these artifices, all this strategy indispensable to warfare, you don’t want them to be employed against the enemies with ink, against the disturbers of peace?... Is it possible to conduct by pure reason violent masses which are moved only by sentiment, passion, and prejudice? *'''Protocols''': <br> Number 1, paras. 9,10 <br> If every State has two foes, and if in regard to the external foe it is allowed and not considered immoral to use every manner and art of conflict, as for example to keep the enemy in ignorance of plans of attack and defense, to attack him by night or in superior numbers, then in what way can the same means in regard to a worse foe, the destroyer of the structure of society and the commonweal, be called immoral and not permissible? <br> Is it possible for any sound logical mind to hope with any success to guide crowds by the aid of reasonable counsels and arguments,, when any objection or contradiction, senseless though it may be, can be made and when such objection may find more favor with the people, whose powers of reasoning are superficial? :'''Graves''': The basic ideas are the '''same''' despite word changes like… “two kinds of enemies” '''versus,''' “two foes.” :* p.74 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''First Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': Has politics anything to do with morals?...<br> This word “justice” itself, by the way, do you not see that it is infinitely vague? <br> Where does it begin, where does it end? When will justice exist, when will it not exist? I take examples. Here is a State: bad organization of public powers, turbulence of democracy, impotence of laws to control discontented disorder, which reins everywhere, will all precipitate it into ruin. A strong man thrusts himself from the ranks of the aristocracy or from the heart of the people; he breaks through all constituted power; he puts his hand on the laws, he alters all the years of peace to his country, Did he have the right to do what he has done? *'''Protocols''': <br> Number 1, paras. 11,12,13,14 <br> The political has nothing in common with the moral. <br> The word “right is an abstract thought and proved by nothing. <br> Where does right begin? Where does it end? <br> In any State in which there is a bad organization of authority, an impersonality of laws and of the rights over multiplying out of liberalism, I find a new right to attack by the right of the strong, and to scatter to the winds all existing forces of order and regulation, to reconstruct all institutions and to become sovereign lord of those who have left to us the rights of their power by laying them down voluntarily in their liberalism. *'''Raslovlev''': The “protocols” written in 1897 states that the elders decreed the expulsion of all non-Jewish secret societies. :'''Graves''': '''I question that!''' For in 1851’’’ Napoleon III, Joly’s enemy, banned and imprisoned 26,000 members of secret societies in [[w:Second_French_Empire|France]]…46 years before the “Protocols”! :* p.75 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''First Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''':…I am less preoccupied by what is good and moral than by what is useful and necessary. <br> …I will tell you that, as a witness in my homeland of the fickleness and the cowardice of the populace, of its innate taste for slavery, of its incapacity to conceive and to respect the conditions of free life; it is to my eyes a blind force which dissolves itself sooner or later, if it is not in the hands of a single man that it would never be able to administer, nor to judge, nor to make war…. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 1'', paras. 16, 18, and 20 <br> Let us, however, in our plans, direct our attention not so much to what is good and moral as to what is necessary and useful. <br> In order to elaborate satisfactory forms of action it is necessary to have regard to the rascalist, the slackness, the instability of the mob, its lack of capacity to understand and respect the conditions of its own life, or its own welfare. It must be understood that the might of a mob is a blind, senseless and unreasoning force ever the mercy of a suggestion from any side…. <br> A people left to itself, i.e., to starts from its midst, bring itself ro ruin by party dissensions excited by the pursuit of power and honors and the disorders arising therefrom. Is it possible for the masses of the people calmly and without petty jealousies to form judgement, to deal with the affairs of the country which cannot be mixed up with personal interest? Can they defend themselves from an external foe? :* p.76 === Protocol 2 : Economic Wars === * It is indispensable for our purpose that wars, so far as possible, should not result in territorial gains; war will thus be brought on to the economic ground, where the nations will not fail to perceive in the assistance we give the strength of our predominance, and this state of things will put both sides at the mercy of our international agentur; which possesses millions of eyes ever on the wealthy and unhampered by any limitations whatsoever. Our international rights will then wipe out national rights, in the proper sense of right, and will rule the nations precisely as the civil law of States rule the relations of their subjects among themselves. * '''In the hands of the States of today there is a great force that creates the movement of thought in the people, and that is the Press.''' The part played by the [[Press]] is to keep pointing out requirements supposed to be indispensable, to give voice to the complaints of the people, to express and to create discontent. It is in the Press that the triumph of freedom of speech finds its incarnation. But the goyim States have not known how to make use of this force; and it has fallen into our hands. Through the Press we have gained the power to influence while remaining ourselves in the shade; thanks to the Press we have got the gold in our hands, notwithstanding that we have had to gather it out of oceans of [[blood]] and tears. But it has paid us, though we have sacrificed many of our people. Each victim on our side is worth in the sight of God a thousand goyim. * The goyim are not guided by practical use of unprejudiced historical observation, but by theoretical routine without any critical regard for consequent results. We need not, therefore, take any account of them, let them amuse themselves until the hour strikes, or live on hopes of new forms of enterprising pastime, or on the memories of all they have enjoyed. For them let that play the principal part which we have persuaded them to accept as the dictates of [[science]] {theory}. It is with this object in view that we are constantly, by means of our press, arousing a blind confidence in these theories. The intellectuals of the goyim will puff themselves up with their knowledge and without any logical verification of them will put into effect all the information available from science, which our agentur specialists have cunningly pieced together for the purpose of educating their minds in the direction we want. * Think carefully of '''the successes we arranged for [[Darwinism]], [[Marxism]], [[Friedrich Nietzsche|Nietzscheism]].''' To us Jews, at any rate, it should be plain to see what a disintegrating importance these directives have had upon the minds of the goyim. === Protocol 3 : Methods of Conquest === * Nowadays, with the destruction of the aristocracy, the people have fallen into the grips of merciless money grinding scoundrels who have laid a pitiless and cruel yoke upon the necks of the workers. * We appear on the scene as alleged saviours of the worker from this oppression when we propose to him to enter '''the ranks of our fighting forces, [[Socialism|Socialists]], [[Anarchism|Anarchists]], [[Communism|Communists]]''', to whom we always give support in accordance with an alleged brotherly rule (of the solidarity of all humanity) of our social masonry. '''The aristocracy, which enjoyed by law the labor of the workers, was interested in seeing that the workers were well fed, healthy and strong. We are interested in just the opposite, in the diminution, the killing out of the goyim'''. Our power is in the chronic shortness of [[food]] and physical [[weakness]] of the worker because by all that this implies he is made the slave of our will, and he will not find in his own authorities either strength or energy to set against our will. [[Hunger]] creates the right of [[capital]] to rule the [[Working class|worker]] more surely than it was given to the [[aristocracy]] by the legal [[authority]] of [[King|kings]]. ==== About Protocol 3 ==== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Fourth Dialogue'' <br> There are tremendous populations riveted to labor by [[poverty]], as they were in other times by [[slavery]]. What difference, I ask you, do your fictions make to their happiness? Your great political movement has after all only ended in the triumph of a minority privileged by chance as the ancient nobility was by birth. What difference does it make to the proletariat bent over in its labor, weighted down by the heaviness of its destiny, that some orators have the right to speak, that some journalists have the right to write? You have created rights which will be purely academic for the mass of the people, since it cannot make use of them. These rights, of which the law permits him the ideal enjoyment and necessity refuses him the actual exercise, are the people only a bitter irony of defeat. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 3'', para. 5 <br> All people are chained to heavy toil by poverty more firmly than ever they were chained by slavery and serfdom; from these, one way and another, they might free themselves, these could be settled with, but from want they will never get away. We have included in the constitution such rights as to the masses appear fictitious and not actual rights. All these so-called “People’s Rights” can exist only in idea, an idea which can never be realized in practical life. What is it to the proletariat laborer, bowed double over his heavy toil, crushed by his lot in life, if talkers get the right to babble, if journalists get the right to scribble nonsense side by side with good stuff, once the proletariat has no other profit out of the constitution save only those pitiful crumbs which we fling them from out table in return for their voting in favor of what we dictate, in favor of the men we place in power, the servants of our agenteur…. Republican Rights for a poor man are no more than a bitter piece of irony. :'''Graves''': Aha!...A very obvious cop, almost word for word and a careful insertion of modern language such as “People’s Rights” and “Republican Rights.” :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.77 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Fourth Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': You do not know the unfathomable cowardice of humanity, servile in the face of force, pitiless in the face of weakness, implacable before blunders, indulgent before crimes, incapable of supporting the contrarities of a liberal regime, and patient to the point of martyrdom before all the violences of bold despotism, upsetting thrones in its moments of anger, and giving itself rulers whom it pardons for actions the least of which would have caused it to decapitate twenty constitutional kings. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 3'', para. 16 <br> It is the bottomless rascality of the goyim peoples, who crawl on their bellies to force, but are merciless toward weakness, unsparing to faults, and indulgent to crimes, unwilling to bear the contradictions of a free social system but patient unto martyrdom under the violence of a bold despotism. It is those qualities which are aiding us to independence. From the premier-dictators of the present day the ''goyim'' peoples suffer patiently and bear such abuse as for the least of them they would have beheaded twenty kings. :'''Graves''': An obvious ineptitude!...Notice “humanity” in the “dialogue” becomes “goyim” in the “protocols,” a [[Yiddish]] word taken from the [[Hebrew language|Hebrew]] that Jews use for gentiles. Could anyone believe that the elders would be so naïve and careless as to employ '''a common ethnic''' word in such a formal tract as the Protocols”? :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.78 === Protocol 4 : Materialism Replaces Religion === * Every republic passes through several stages. The first of these is comprised in the early days of mad raging by the blind mob, tossed hither and thither, [[w:Right-wing politics|right]] and [[w:Left-wing politics|left]]; the second is demagogy, from which is born anarchy, and that leads inevitably to despotism, not any longer legal and overt, and '''therefore responsible despotism, but to unseen and secretly hidden, yet nevertheless sensibly felt [[w:Despotism|despotism]] in the hands of some secret organization or other, whose acts are the more unscrupulous inasmuch as it works behind a screen, behind the backs of all sorts of agents,''' the changing of whom not only does not injuriously affect but actually aids the secret force by saving it, thanks to continual changes, from the necessity of expending its resources on the rewarding of long services. * But even freedom might be harmless and have its place in the State economy without injury to the well-being of the peoples if it rested upon the foundation of faith in God, upon the brotherhood of humanity, unconnected with the conception of equality, which is negatived by the very laws of creation, for they have established subordination. With such a faith as this a people might be governed by a wardship of parishes, and would walk contentedly and humbly under the guiding hand of its spiritual pastor submitting to the dispositions of God upon earth. '''This is the reason why it is indespensable for us to undermine all faith, to tear of minds out of the Goyim the very principle of Godhead and the spirit, and to put in its place arithmetical calculations and material needs.''' * '''In order to give the goyim no time to think and take note, their minds must be diverted towards industry and trade. Thus, all the nations will be swallowed up in the [[w:Conspicuous consumption|pursuit of gain and in the race for it]] will not take note of [[Zionism|their common foe]]'''. But again, in order that freedom may once for all disintegrate and ruin the communities of the goyim, we must put industry on a speculative basis: the result of this will be that what is withdrawn from the land by industry will slip through the hands and pass into [[w:speculation|speculation]], that is, to our classes. * The intensified struggle for superiority and shocks delivered to economic life will create, nay, have already created, disenchanted cold and heartless communities. Such communities will foster a strong aversion towards the higher political and towards religion. Their only guide is gain, that is Gold, which they will erect into a veritable cult, for the sake of those [[w:Hedonism|material delights]] which it can give. === Protocol 5 : Despotism and Modern Progress === * By all these means '''we shall so wear down the Goyim that they will be compelled to offer us international power of a nature that by its position will enable us without any violence gradually to absorb all the State forces of the world and to form a Super-Government'''. In place of the rulers of to-day we shall set up a bogey which will be called the Super-Government Administration. Its hands will reach out in all directions like nippers and its organization will be of such colossal dimensions that it cannot fail to subdue all the nations of the world. * '''We have set one against another the personal and national reckonings of the goyim, religious and race hatreds''', which we have fostered into a huge growth in the course of the past twenty centuries. This is the reason why there is not one State which would anywhere receive support if it were to raise its arm, for every one of them must bear in mind that any agreement against us would be unprofitable to itself. * All the wheels of the machinery of all States go by the force of the engine, which is in our hands, and that engine of the machinery of States is Gold. The science of political economy invented by our learned elders has for long past been giving royal prestige to capital. === Protocol 6 : Take-Over Technique === * To complete the ruin of the industry of the goyim we shall bring to the assistance of speculation the luxury which we have developed among the goyim, that greedy demand for luxury which is swallowing up everything. '''We shall raise the rate of [[Wage|wages]] which, however, will not bring any advantage to the workers, for at the same time, we shall produce a rise in prices of the first necessaries of life''', alleging that it arises from the decline of [[agriculture]] and cattle breeding: we shall further undermine artfully and deeply sources of production, by accustoming the workers to anarchy and to drunkenness and side by side therewith taking all measure to extirpate from the fact of the earth all the educated forces of the Goyim. * At the same time we must intensively patronize [[trade]] and [[industry]], but, first and foremost, speculation, the part played by which is to provide a counterpoise to industry: the absence of speculative industry will multiply capital in private hands and will serve to restore agriculture by freeing the land from indebtedness to the land [[Banking|banks]]. '''What we want is that industry should drain off from the land both labour and capital and by means of speculation transfer into our hands all the money of the world, and thereby throw all the goyim into the ranks of the proletariat. Then the goyim will bow down before us, if for no other reason but to get the right to exist.''' === Protocol 7 : World-Wide Wars === * '''We must compel the governments of the goyim to take action in the direction favoured by our widely-conceived plan''', already approaching the desired consummation, by what we shall represent as public opinion, secretly prompted by us through the means of that so-called "Great Power"—the Press, which, with a few exceptions that may be disregarded, is already entirely in our hands. === Protocol 8 : Provisional Government === [[File:Bpj6.JPG|thumb|This document may have wreaked more havoc than almost any other piece of literature in recent history ~ Jim Marrs]] * We shall surround our [[government]] with a whole world of [[Economist|economists]]. That is the reason why [[Economics|economic sciences]] form the principal subject of the teaching given to the Jews. '''Around us again will be a whole constellation of bankers, industrialists, capitalists and—the main thing [[w:Millionaire|millionaires]], because in substance everything will be settled by the question of figures.''' === Protocol 9 : Re-education === * For us there are no checks to limit the range of our activity. Our Super-Government subsists in extra legal conditions which are described in the accepted terminology by the energetic and forcible word—[[Dictatorship]]. I am in a position to tell you with a clear conscience that at the proper time we, the lawgivers, shall execute judgement and sentence, we shall slay and we shall spare, we, as head of all our troops, are mounted on the steed of the leader. We rule by force of will, because in our hands are the fragments of a once powerful party, now vanquished by us. '''And the weapons in our hands are limitless ambitions, burning greediness, merciless vengeance, hatreds and malice.''' === Protocol 10 : Preparing for Power === * But you yourselves perfectly well know that to produce the possibility of the expression of such wishes by all the nations '''it is indispensable to trouble in all countries the people's relations with their governments so as to utterly exhaust humanity with dissension, hatred, struggle, envy and even by the use of torture, by starvation, by the inoculation of diseases, by want''', so that the Goyim see no other issue than to take refuge in our complete sovereignty in money and in all else. But if we give the nations of the world a breathing space the moment we long for is hardly likely ever to arrive. * We shall destroy among the goyim the importance of the family and its educational value and remove the possibility of individual minds splitting off, for the mob, handled by us, will not let them come to the front nor even give them a hearing, it is accustomed to listen only to us who pay it for obedience and attention. In this way we shall create a blind, mighty force which will never be in a position to move in any direction without the guidance of our agents set at its head by us as leaders of the mob. ==== About Protocol 10 ==== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Ninth Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': And where have you ever seen that a constitution, really worthy of the name, really durable, has ever been the result of popular deliberation? A constitution must come forth fully armed from the head of one man alone, or it is nothing but a work condemned to oblivion. Without homogeneity, without linking of parties, without practical strength, it will necessarily bear the imprint of all the weaknesses of sight that have presided at its composition…. <br> :'''Montesquieu''': …One would say, to hear you, that you are going to draw a people out of chaos or out of the deep night of their first origins…. <br> :'''Machiavelli''': I do not say no: therefore you will see that I need not destroy your institutions from top to bottom to arrive at my goal. It will suffice me to modify the arrangements and to change the methods. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 10'', paras. 6,7 <br> A scheme of government should come ready made from one brain, because it will never be clinched firmly if it is allowed to split into fractional parts in the minds of many. It is allowable, therefore, for us to have cognizance of the scheme of action but not to discuss it lest we disturb its artfulness, and interdependence of its component parts, the practical force of the secret meaning of each clause. To discuss and make alteration in a labor of this kind by means of numerous votings is to impress upon it the stamp of all ratiocinations and misunderstandings which have failed to penetrate the depth and nexus of its plottings…. <br> These schemes will not turn existing institutions upside down just yet, They will only effect changes in their economy and consequently in the whole combined movement of their progress, which will thus be directed along the paths laid down in our schemes. *'''Graves''': Here, we can clearly see how an idea is copied! :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.79 === Protocol 11 : The Totalitarian State === * The goyim are a flock of sheep, and we are their wolves. And you know what happens when the wolves get hold of the flock? *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Tenth Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''':…Now, once more, what is the Council of State?...It is nothing but a Draughting Committee. When the Council of State makes a law, it is really the sovereign who makes it; when it renders a judgement, it is the sovereign who renders it…. :'''Montesquieu''': It is true that if we evaluate the sum of the powers which lie in your hands, you ought to begin to be satisfied. <br> To sum up <br> You make the laws: 1. In the form of propositions to the legislative body; 2. In the form of decrees; 3. In the form of senatorial decrees; 4. In the form of general regulations; 5. In the form of resolutions at the Council of State; 6. In the form of ministerial regulations; 7. And finally, in the form of [[Coup d'état|coups d’etat]]. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 11'', paras. 1,2 <br> The state Council has been, as it were, the emphatic expression of the ruler; it will be, as the “show” part of the Legislative Corps what may be called the editorial committee of the alws and decrees of the ruler. Br> This, then, is the program of the new [[Constitutions|constitution]]. We shall make [[Law]], [[Rights|Right]], and [[Justice]] (1) in the guide of proposals to the [[Legislature|Legislative Corps]], (2) by the decrees of the president under the guise of general regulations, of orders of the Senate and of resolutions of the State Council in the guise of ministerial orders, (3) and in case a suitable occasion should arise, in the form of a revolution in the State. *'''Graves''': When copying the “Dialogues”…why would the :Protocols” alter “coups d'etat: to “[[revolution]]”? :'''Raslovlev''': Obviously it was to address the Tsar’s concern over a Russian revolution, eh? :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.80 === Protocol 12 : Control of the Press === * '''If already now we have contrived to possess ourselves of the minds of the goy communities to such an extent that they all come near looking upon the events of the world through the coloured glasses of those spectacles we are setting astride their noses''': if already now there is not a single State where there exist for us any barriers to admittance into what goy stupidity calls State secrets: what will our position be then, when we shall be acknowledged supreme lords of the world in the person of our king of all the world.... === Protocol 13 : Distractions === * In order to distract people who may be too troublesome from discussions of questions of the political we are now putting forward what we allege to be new questions of the political, namely, questions of industry. In this sphere let them discuss themselves silly! The masses are agreed to remain inactive, to take a rest from what they suppose to be political activity (which we trained them to in order to use them as a means of combating the goy governments) only on condition of being found new employments, in which we are prescribing them something that looks like the same political object. '''In order that the masses themselves may not guess what they are about we further distract them with amusements, games, pastimes, passions, people's palaces...Soon we shall begin through the press to purpose competitions in art, in sport of all kinds: These interests will finally distract their minds from questions in which we should find ourselves compelled to oppose them.''' Growing more and more disaccustomed to reflect and form any opinions of their own, people will begin to talk in the same form any opinions of their own, people will begin to talk in the same tone as we, because we alone shall be offering them new directions for thought. * '''Who will ever suspect then that all these peoples were stage-managed by us according to a political plan which no one has so much as guessed at in the course of many centuries'''? === Protocol 14 : Assault on Religion === * When we come into our kingdom it will be undesirable for us that there should exist any other [[religion]] than ours of the One God with whom our destiny is bound up by our position as the Chosen People and through whom our same destiny is united with the destinies of the world. '''We must therefore [[w:Irreligion|sweep away all other forms of belief]]. If this gives birth to the atheists whom we see to-day, it will not, being only a transitional stage, interfere with our views'''... * In this divergence between the Gentiles and ourselves in ability to think and reason is to be seen clearly the seal of our election as '''the chosen people, as higher human beings, in contrast with the Gentiles, who have merely instinctive and animal minds.''' They observe, but they do not foresee, and they invent nothing. It is clear from this that nature herself predestined us to rule and guide the world. === Protocol 15 : Ruthless Suppression === * Under our influence the execution of the laws of the goyim has been reduced to a minimum. The prestige of the law has been exploded by the liberal interpretations introduced into this sphere. In the most important and fundamental affairs and questions judges decide as we dictate to them, see matters in the light wherewith we enfold them for the administration of the goyim, of course, '''through persons who are our tools though we do not appear to have anything in common with them—by newspaper opinion or by other means. Even senators and the higher administration accept [[w:Lobbying|our counsels]]. The purely brute mind of the goyim is incapable of use for [[w:Critical thinking|analysis and observation]].''' * The class of people who most willingly enter into secret societies are those who live by their wits, careerists, and in general people mostly light minded, with whom we shall have no difficulty in dealing and in using to wind up the mechanism of the machine devised by us. If this world grows agitated the meaning of that will be that we have had to stir up in order to break up its too great solidarity. But '''if there should arise in its midst a plot, then at the head of that plot will be no other than one of our most trusted servants. It is natural that we and no other should lead masonic activities, for we know whither we are leading, we know the final goal of every form of activity whereas the [[w:goyim|goyim]] have knowledge of nothing''', not even of the immediate effect of action; they put before themselves, usually, the momentary reckoning of the satisfaction of their self-opinion in the accomplishment of their thought without even remarking that the very conception never belonged to their initiative but to our instigation of their thought. * We shall root out liberalism from all the important strategic posts of our government on which depends the training of subordinates for our State structure. Such posts will fall exclusively to those who have been trained by us for administrative rule. To the possible objection that the retirement of old servants will cost the Treasury heavily, I reply, firstly, they will be provided with some private service in place of what they lose, and, secondly, '''I have to remark that all the money in the world will be concentrated in our hands, consequently it is not our government that has to fear expense'''. Our absolutism will in all things be logically consecutive and therefore in each one of its decrees '''our supreme will will be respected and unquestionably fulfilled: it will ignore all murmurs, all discontents of every kind''' and will destroy to the root every kind of manifestation of them in act by punishment of an exemplary character. * It has the right of the strong that it may use it for the benefit of directing humanity towards that order which is defined by nature, namely, submission. '''Everything in the world is in a state of submission, if not to man, then to circumstances or its own inner character, in all cases, to what is stronger. And so shall we be this something stronger for the sake of good.''' ===== About Protocol 15 ===== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Thirteenth Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': This is because you do not understand, Montesquieu! How much impotence and even simplicity is found among the majority of men of European demagoguism. These tigers have souls of sheep, heads full of wind. Their dream is the absorption of the individual into a symbolic unity. They demand the complete realization of equality. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 15,'' para. 6 <br> You cannot imagine to what extent the wisest of the goyim can be brought to a state of unconscious naivete in the presence of this condition of high conceit of themselves, and at the same time how easy it is to take the heart out of them…. These tigers in appearance have the souls of sheep and the wind blows freely through their heads. We have set them on the hobby-horse of an idea about the absorbtion of [[individuality]] by the symbolic unit of [[Collectivism]]…. *'''Graves''': “…Tigers with the souls of sheep and heads full of wind…” A CLEVER METAPHOR…NO WONDER THE “PROTOCOLS” COPIES IT! :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.81 === Protocol 16 : Brainwashing === * In a word, knowing by the experience of many centuries that people live and are guided by ideas, that these ideas are imbued by people only by the aid of education provided with equal success for all ages of growth, but of course by varying methods, we shall swallow up and confiscate to our own use the last scintilla of independence of thought, which we have for long past been directing towards subjects and ideas useful for us. The system of bridling thought is already at work in the so- called system of teaching by object lessons, the purpose of which is to turn the goyim into unthinking submissive brutes waiting for things to be presented before their eyes in order to form an idea of them. === Protocol 17 : Abuse of Authority === * While we are re-educating youth in [[w:Christian denomination|new traditional religions]] and afterwards in ours, we shall not overtly lay a finger on existing churches, but we shall fight against them by criticism calculated to produce [[Protestant Reformation|schism]]. * '''We have long past taken care to discredit the priesthood of the goyim, and thereby to ruin their mission on earth which in these days might still be a great hindrance to us.''' Day by day its influence on the peoples of the world is falling lower. [[Liberalism|Freedom of conscience]] has been declared everywhere, so that now only years divide us from the moment of the complete wrecking of that Christian religion, as to other religions we shall have still less difficulty in dealing with them, but it would be premature to speak of this now. We shall set [[w:Clericalism|clericalism and clericals]] into such narrow frames as to make their influence move in retrogressive proportion to its former progress. * In general, then, '''our [[w:Media coverage of Catholic sex abuse cases|contemporary press will continue to convict]] State affairs, religions, incapacities of the goyim, always using the most unprincipled expressions in order by every means to lower their prestige''' in the manner which can only be practiced by the genius of our gifted tribe. ===== About Protocol 17 ===== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Seventeenth Dialogue'' <br> :'''Montesquieu''':… Now I understand the apologue the god Vishnu; you have a hundred arms like the Hindu idol and each one of your fingers touches a spring. In the same way that you touch everything, are you also able to see everything? <br> '''Machiavelli''': Yes, for I shall make of the police an institution so vast that in the heart of my kingdom half of the people shall see the other half… <br> …If, as I scarcely doubt, I succeed in attaining this result, here are some of the forms by which my police would manifest themselves abroad: men of pleasure and good company in the foreign courts, to keep an eye on the intrigues of the princes and of the exiled pretenders…the establishment of political newspapers in the great capitals, printers and book stores places in the same conditions and secretly subsidized. *'''Protocols''': <br> ''Number 17,'' paras. 7,8 <br> Our kingdom will be an apologia of the [[divinity]] [[Vishnu]], in whom is found its personification – in our hundred hands will be, one in each, the springs of the machinery of social life. We shall see everything without the aid of official police…. In our programs one-third of our subjects will keep the rest under observation…. <br> Our agents will be taken from the higher as well as the lower raniks of society, from among the administrative class who spend their time in amusements, editors, printers, and publishers, booksellers, clerks, and salesmen, workmen, coachmen, lackeys, et cetera…. *'''Graves''': Now, why on earth would the '''Elders of Zion''' have their kingdom be an apologia for '''Vishnu''', a Hindu God? :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.82 === Protocol 18 : Arrest of Opponents === * With the establishment of official defense the mystical prestige of authority disappears: given a certain audacity, and everyone counts himself master of it, the sedition-monger is conscious of his strength, and when occasion serves watches for the moment to make an attempt upon authority. === Protocol 19 : Rulers and People === * We have done our best, and I hope we have succeeded, to obtain that the goyim should not arrive at this means of contending with sedition. === Protocol 20 : Financial Programme === * Economic crises have been produced by us for the goyim by no other means than the withdrawal of money from circulation. Huge capitals have stagnated, withdrawing money from States, which were constantly obliged to apply to those same stagnate capitals for loans. '''These loans burdened the finances of the State with the payment of interest and made them the bond slaves of these capitals'''...The concentration of industry in the hands of capitalists out of the hands of small masters has drained away all the juices of the peoples and with them also of the States... * What also indeed is, in substance, a loan, especially a [[Government debt|foreign loan]]? A loan is an issue of government bill of exchange containing a percentage obligation commensurate to the sum of the loan capital. '''If the loan bears a charge of 5 percent, then in twenty years the State vainly pays away in interest a sum equal to the borrowed, in forty it is paying a double sum, - sixty-treble, and all the while the debt remains as unpaid debt.''' From this calculation it is obvious that with any form of taxation per head the '''State is bailing out the last coppers of the poor taxpayers in order to settle accounts with wealthy foreigners, from whom it has borrowed money instead of collecting these coppers for its own needs without the additional interest.''' So long as loans were internal the goyim only shuffled their money from the pockets of the poor to those of the rich, but when we brought up the necessary person in order to transfer loans into the external sphere all the wealth of States flowed into our cash- boxes and all the goyim began to pay us the tribute of subjects. * The present issue of [[money]] in general does not correspond with the requirements per head, and cannot therefore satisfy all the needs of the workers. The issue of money ought to correspond with the growth of population and thereby children also must absolutely be reckoned as consumers of [[currency]] from the day of their birth. The revision of issue is a material question for the whole world. You are aware that the [[gold standard]] has been the ruin of the States which adopted it, for it has not been able to satisfy the demands for money, the more so that we have removed [[gold]] from circulation as far as possible. '''With us the standard that must be introduced is the cost of working-man power, whether it be reckoned in paper or in wood. We shall make the issue of money in accordance with the normal requirements of each subject, adding to the quantity with every birth and subtracting with every death.''' The accounts will be managed by each department, each circle. In order that there may be no delays in paying out of money for State needs the sums and terms of such payments will be fixed by decree of the ruler; this will do away with the protection by a ministry of one institution to the detriment of others. * Every kind of loan proves infirmity in the State and a want of understanding of the rights of the State. '''Loans hang like a sword of Damocles over the heads of ruler, who instead of taking from their subjects by a temporary tax, come begging with outstretched palm of our bankers. Foreign loans are leeches which there is no possibility of removing from the body of the State until they fall off of themselves or the State flings them off.''' But the goy States do not tear them off; they go on in persisting in putting more on to themselves so that they must inevitably perish, drained by voluntary blood-letting. ==== About Protocol 20 ==== ===== [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005) ===== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Twentieth Dialogue'' <br> :'''Montesquieu''': After all, the expenditures must be in proportion to the revenues…. <br> :'''Machiavelli''': Now, this is how things work out: the general at the beginning of the year, comes to a total amount of, let us say, 800 millions. When half of the year is gone, the financial facts already no longer correspond to the first estimates; so what is called a rectifying budget is presented in the Chambers, and this budget adds 100 millions, 150 millions to the original figure. Then comes the supplementary budget: it adds 50 or 60 millions; *'''Protocols''' <br> ''Number 20'', paras. 26-32 <br> The budgets of income and expenditure will be carried out side by side that they may not be obscured by distance one to another. <br> …The first irregularity, as we shall point out, consists in their beginning with drawing up a single budget which year after year grows owing to the following cause: this budget is dragged out to half the year, ten they demand a :'''Graves''': Clearly, the “Protocols” author adapts the text of “Dialogues” so carelessly in his hasty attempt to '''Prove''' a Jewish conspiracy! :* p.83 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> finally comes the liquidation which adds 15, 20, or 30 millions. In short, in the general reckoning, the total of the unforeseen expenses forms one-third of the estimated expenditures. It is upon this last figure that the legislative vote of the Chambers falls as a form of confirmation. In this way, at the end of ten years the budget can be doubles and even tripled…. <br> :'''Monsesquieu''':… It is certain that there are few governments who are not obliged to have recourse to borrowing; but it is also certain that they are obliged to make use of them sparingly; they could not, without immorality and danger, encumber future generations with exorbitant burdens, out of all proportion to *'''Protocols''': <br> supplementary budget, and all this ends up in accordance with the sum of the total addition, the annual departure from the normal reaches up as much as 50 percent in a year, and so the annual budget is trebled in ten years….<br> Every kind of loan proves infirmity in the State and a want of understanding of the rights of the State. Loans hang like a sword of Damocles over the heads of rulers, who, instead of taking from their subects by a temporary tax, come begging with outstretched palm of our bankers…the Goy states go on in persisting in putting more on to themselves to that they must inevitably perish, drained by voluntary blood-letting. :'''Graves''': '''Their''' interest calculations are the same to support the financial dangers of loans! :* p.84 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> probable resources. How are loans made? By the issue of bonds containing an obligation on the part of the government to pay a yearly interest proportionate to the capital which has been depleted. If the loan is at 5 percent, for instance, the state, at the end of twenty years, has paid a sum equal to the capital borrowed; at the end of forty years, a double amount; at the end of sixty years, a triple amount, and yet it always remains debtor for the total of the same capital. The modern states wished to put a necessary *'''Protocols''': What also indeed is, in substance, a loan, especially a foreign loan? A loan is an issue of government bills of exchange containing a percentage obligation commensurate to the sum of the loan capital. If the loan bears a charge of 5 percent, then in twenty years the State vainly pays away in interest a sum equal to the loan borrowed, in forty years it is paying a double sum, in sixty treble and all the while the debt remains an unpaid debt. <br> from this calculation it is obvious that with any form of [[taxation]] per head the State is bailing out the last coppers of the poor taxpayers in order to settle accounts…;instead of collecting :'''Graves''': These two books were written '''40 years''' apart from each other…why is the '''same''' interest rate employed by the “Protocols”? Surely they must have changed during all that time. :'''Raslovlev''': Very revealing…eh? :* p.85 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> limitation to the increase of taxes. So they conceived a scheme truly admirable for its simplicity…. A special fund was created, the capitalized resources of which are meant to be a permanent redemption of the public debt by successive fractions; so that every time the state borrows, it must endow the sinking fund with a certain capital for the purpose of liquidating the new debt at a given time….<br> Our system of accounting, fruit of long experience, is distinguished by the clarity and the certitude of its procedures. It obstructs abuses and gives to no one, from the smallest official to the chief of state himself, the means of diverting the least sum from its original purpose, or of making irregular use of it. *'''Protocols''': <br> these coppers for its own need without additional interest. <br> So long as loans were internal the Goyim only shuffled their money from the pockets of the poor to those of the rich, but when we brought up the necessary person in order to transfer the loans into the external sphere, all the wealth of States flowed into out cash boxes….<br> We shall so hedge about our system of accounting that neither the ruler nor the most insignificant public servant will be in a position to divery even the smallest sum from its destination without detection or to direct it in another direction except that which will be once fixed in a definite plan of action. *'''Graves''': Now…'''why''' would the elders of Zion in their protocols of world domination devote so much time to the '''mundane''' details of financial management?? :* p.86 === Protocol 21 : Loans and Credit === * States announce that such a loan is to be concluded and open subscriptions for their own bills of exchange, that is, for their interest bearing paper. That they may be within the reach of all the price is determined at from a hundred to a thousand; and a discount is made for the earliest subscribers. Next day by artificial means the price of them goes up, the alleged reason being that everyone is rushing to buy them. In a few days the treasury safes are as they say overflowing and there's more money than they can do with (why then take it?). The subscription, it is alleged, covers many times over the issue total of the loan; in this lies the whole stage effect - look you, they say, what confidence is shown in the government's bills of exchange. But when the comedy is played out there emerges the fact that a debit and an exceedingly burdensome debit has been created. For the payment of [[interest]] it becomes necessary to have recourse to hew loans which do not swallow up but only add to the capital debt. And when this credit is exhausted it becomes necessary by new taxes to cover, not the loan, but only the interest on it. These taxes are a debit employed to cover a debit... Later comes the time for conversions, but they diminish the payment of interest without covering the debt, and besides they cannot be made without the consent of the lenders; on announcing a conversion a proposal is made to return the money to those who are not willing to convert their paper. If everybody expressed his unwillingness and demanded his money back, the government would be hooked on their own flies and would be found insolvent and unable to pay the proposed sums. Nowadays, with external loans, these tricks cannot be played by the goyim for they know that we shall demand all our moneys back. In this way an acknowledged bankruptcy will best prove to the various countries the absence of any means between the interests of the peoples and of those who rule them. '''By good luck the subjects of the goy governments, knowing nothing about financial affairs, have always preferred losses on exchange and diminution of interest to the risk of new investments of their moneys, and have thereby many a time enabled these governments to throw off their shoulders a debit of several millions.''' * We have taken advantage of the venality of administrators and the slackness of rulers to get our moneys twice, thrice and more times over, by lending to the goy governments moneys which were not at all needed by the States. Could anyone do the like in regard to us?...Therefore I shall only deal with the details of internal loans. ==== About Protocol 21 ==== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Twenty-First Dialogue'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': I am afraid that you are somewhat prejudiced against loans;… modern economists today expressly recognize that, far from impoverishing the state, public debts enrich it. Will you allow me to explain how? :'''Montesquieu''':….I should first of all like to know from whom you will ask so much capital, and for what reason you will ask it. :'''Machiavelli''': For that, foreign wars are a great help. In the great states, they permit the borrowing of five or six hundred millions; one manages so as to spend only half or two-thirds, and the rest finds its place in the treasury for domestic expenditures. *'''Protocols''' <br> '''Number 21,''' paras 1, 11 <br> To what I reported to you at the last meeting I shall say nothing more, because they have fed us with national moneys opf the Goyim…. <br> We have taken advantage of the venality of administrators and slackness of rulers to get our moneys twice,thrice, and more times over, by lending to Goy governments moneys which were not. *'''Graves''':…unless, of course, this was '''not written by the elders''' at all…as we suspect! :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.87 === Protocol 22 : Power of Gold === [[File:Lapy_zydowskie.jpeg|thumb|[[Satan|Evil]] which for so many centuries we have had to commit has served at the end of ends the cause of true well-being—the bringing of everything into order? Though it be even by the exercise of some violence, yet all the same it will be established.]] * In our hands is the greatest power of our day—gold: in two days we can procure from our storehouses any quantity we may please. Surely there is no need to seek further proof that our rule is predestined by God? '''Surely we shall not fail with such wealth to prove that all that [[Satan|evil]] which for so many centuries we have had to commit has served at the end of ends the cause of true well-being—the bringing of everything into order? Though it be even by the exercise of some violence, yet all the same it will be established.''' We shall contrive to prove that we are benefactors who have restored to the rend and mangled earth the true good and also freedom of the person, and therewith we shall enable it to be enjoyed in peace and quiet, with proper dignity of relations, on the condition, of course, of strict observance of the laws established by us. === Protocol 23 : Instilling Obedience === * A people of small masters knows nothing of unemployment and this binds him closely with existing order, and consequently with the firmness of authority. [[Unemployment]] is a most perilous thing for a government. For us its part will have been played out the moment authority is transferred into our hands. [[Drunkenness]] also will be [[Prohibition|prohibited]] by law and punishable as a crime against the humanness of man who is turned into a brute under the influence of alcohol. * '''The supreme lord who will replace all now existing rulers, dragging on their existence among societies demoralized by us, societies that have denied even the authority of God''', from whose midst breaks out on all sides the fire of anarchy, must first of all proceed to quench this all-devouring flame. Therefore he will be obliged to kill off those existing societies, though he should drench them with his own blood, that he may resurrect them again in the form of regularly organized troops fighting consciously with every kind of infection that may cover the body of the State with sores. === Protocol 24 : Qualities of the Ruler === * Sensuality worse than all else disorganizes the capacities of the mind and clearness of views, distracting the thoughts to the worst and most brutal side of human activity. ==== About Protocol 24 ==== *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> ''Twenty-third through twenty-fifth dialogues'' <br> :'''Machiavelli''': The cult of the prince is a sort of religion and, like all possible religions, this cult prescribes contradictions and mysteries beyond reason. <br> …I wish my aims to be impenetrable, even to those who are closest to me. I would only communicate my projects when I gave the command for execution…. <br> His counselors ask one another secretly what he will think of next. He personifies in their eyes the Providence whose ways are *'''Protocols''': <br> '''Number 24,''' paras. 3-15 <br> Certain members of the sneed of [[David]] will prepare the kings and their heirs inducting them into the most secret mysteries of the political, into schemes of government, but providing always that none may come to knowledge of the secrets…. <br> The king’s plan of action for the current moment, and all the more so for the future, will be unknown, even to those who are called his closest counselors. <br? Only the king and the three who stood sponsor for him will know what is coming. <br> In the person of the king who with unbending will is master. *'''Graves''': An obvious '''adaptation!''' Where the “Dialogue” uses '''prince''', the “Protocols” uses '''king.''' :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.88 *'''Dialogue in Hell''': <br> inscrutable…They never know if some enterprise already prepared will not descend on them from one day to the other. <br> A Prince whose power is founded upon a democratic base, must speak carefully, albeit popularly. If necessary he must not fear to speak like a demagogue, for after all he is the people, and he must have its passions... <br> You asked me a moment ago if I knew self-denial, if I would sacrifice myself for my people, relinquish the throne if necessary; now you have my answer, I can relinquish it as a martyr. *'''Protocols''': <br> of himself and of humanity all will discern as it were fate with its mysterious ways. None will know what the king wishes to attain by his dispositions, and therefore none will dare to stand across an unknown path….<br> That the people may know and love their king, it is indispensable for him to converse in the market-places with his people. This ensures the necessary clinching of two forces which are now divided one from another by us by the terror. <br> The prop of humanity in the person of the supreme lord of all the world of the holy seed of David must sacrifice to his people all personal inclinations. :* [[Will Eisner]], ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), p.89 == Quotes about ''The Protocols'' == * Probably the most influential work of antisemitism ever written. ** [[w:Stephen Bronner|Stephen Bronner]]: ''A Rumor About the Jews: Reflections on Antisemitism and the Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion'' (Oxford University Press, 2000), p. 1. * The greatest forgery of the century. ** [[w:Hugo Valentin|Hugo Valentin]], ''Anti-Semitism, Historically and Critically Examined'', 1936. * It has been proved that these 'Protocols' are a fraud, a clumsy plagiarism. . . made for the purpose of rendering the Jews odious... ** [[w:Pierre Charles (Jesuit)|Father Pierre Charles]], 1938 essay. {{fact}} * Completely destructive of the historicity of the Protocols and as establishing beyond doubt the fact that they are rank and pernicious forgeries. ** [[w:John Shelton Curtiss#His work on debunking the_Protocols|John Shelton Curtiss]], "An Appraisal of the Protocols of Zion". * The Russians have a long tradition in the art of forgery. More than 60 years ago the Czarist intelligence service concocted and peddled a confection called ''The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'. ** [[w:Richard Helms|Richard Helms]] at a Senate subcommittee hearing in 1961. * Every age and country has had its share of fabricated 'historic' documents which have been foisted on an unsuspecting public for some malign purpose. . . One of the most notorious and most durable of these is the ''Protocols of the Elders of Zion''. ** [https://www.adl.org/resources/backgrounder/hoax-hate-protocols-learned-elders-zion "A Hoax of Hate: The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion"], ''[[Anti-Defamation League]]'' (January 5, 2013) ** Appended in August of 1964 [[w:United States Senate Committee on the Judiciary|Senate Judiciary Committee]] report by Senators [[w:Thomas J. Dodd|Thomas J. Dodd]] and [[Kenneth Keating|Kenneth B. Keating]] * The great importance of ''The Protocols'' lies in its permitting antisemites to reach beyond their traditional circles and find a large international audience, a process that continues to this day. The forgery poisoned public life wherever it appeared; it was "self-generating; a blueprint that migrated from one conspiracy to another." ** [[Umberto Eco]]: ''[[Foucault's Pendulum]]'' (Picador, 1990), p. 490. : '''Soloviev''': Now, [[w:Matvei Golovinski|Golovinski]], to begin with…I '''hate jews.''' They are a sly race who will '''creep in''' and destroy the purity of our [[Russian]] [[culture]]! <br> So, I want you to write me a piece on this subject…and '''make''' sure it '''makes a clear case!''' : '''[[w:Matvei Golovinski|Golivinski]]''': Excuse me sir! : '''Soloviev''': Back so soon? What is it Golovinski? : '''Golovinski''': Here is the article you '''asked for'''. : '''Soloviev''': In '''only one hour?''' Let em read it. <br> Where did you get these '''official [[statistics]]?''' : '''Golivinski''': Oh, '''I made them up!''' No one would dare to [[challenge]] them. : '''Soloviev''': '''Good work!''' From here on you will write for our regular campaign against the new modernization! : '''Golvinski''': Why that? : '''Soloviev''': All [[liberal]], [[capitalistic]], [[socialistic]] movements are directed by jews. We must expose them.<br> '''They are the [[antichrist|anti-christ]]!''' : '''Golivinski''': But sir, shouldn’t we keep this [[political]]? : '''Soloviev''': '''In Russia [[religion]] and politics are the same!''' <br> Our people will '''[[believe]]''' anything '''negative about the Jews!''' Go ahead boy! :* [[Will Eisner]]: ''The Plot: The Secret Story of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', (10/2/2005), pp.45-48. * Finally, it is important to recognize the shift that occurred in the late nineteenth century from traditional anti-Judaism to a more 'modern' anti-Semitism, linked - though not identical - to the [[Racism|racist]] [[ideology]] that had swept the [[19th century|nineteenth-century]] West. It was an apostate named Brafman who, in ''The Book of the Kahal'', first alleged the existence of a secret Jewish organization with sinister powers. This conspiracy theory greatly appealed to new organizations like the League of the Russian People, which combined reactionary devotion to autocracy with violent [[Antisemitism|anti-Semitism]]. It was in the League's [[Saint Petersburg|St Petersburg]] newspaper ''Russkoye Znamya'' that the Moldavian anti-Semite Pavolachi Krushevan published the fake 'Protocols of the Elders of Zion' (1903), a series of articles subsequently reprinted with the imprimatur of the [[Imperial Russian Army|Russian army]] as ''The Root of Our Misfortunes''. Though the 'Protocols' would exert a greater malign influence in the [[w:Interwar_period|inter-war years]], they were [[Russian Empire|Tsarist Russia]]'s distinctive contribution to the poisonous brew of pre-war [[prejudice]]. Once, Russia's rulers had believed that the 'Jewish question' could be answered by the simple expedient of enforced conversion. The new [[Conspiracy theories|conspiracy theorists]] made it clear that this simply would not suffice. ** [[Niall Ferguson]], ''The War of the World: Twentieth-Century Conflict and the Descent of the West'' (2006), p. 63 * Parts and summaries of the plan have been published from time to time during the centuries as the secrets of the ''Elders'' have leaked out. '''The claim of the Jews that the ''Protocols'' are forgeries is in itself an admission of their genuineness, for they never attempt to answer the facts corresponding to the threats which the ''Protocols'' contain''', and, indeed, the correspondence between prophecy and fulfilment is too glaring to be set aside or obscured. This the Jews well know and therefore evade. ** [[Henry Ford]]: ''[[The International Jew|The International Jew: The World's Foremost Problem]]'' (1920) [[File:Antisemitic.svg|thumb|All the nations will be swallowed up in the [[w:Conspicuous consumption|pursuit of gain and in the race for it]] will not take note of [[Zionism|their common foe]].]] * How much the whole existence of this people is based on a permanent falsehood is proved in a unique way by ''The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', which are so violently repudiated by the Jews. With groans and moans, the ''[[w:Frankfurter Zeitung|Frankfurter Zeitung]]'' repeats again and again that these are forgeries. This alone is evidence in favour of their authenticity. What many Jews unconsciously wish to do is here clearly set forth. It is not necessary to ask out of what Jewish brain these revelations sprang; but what is of vital interest is that they disclose, with an almost terrifying precision, the mentality and methods of action characteristic of the Jewish people and these writings expound in all their various directions the final aims towards which the Jews are striving. The study of real happenings, however, is the best way of judging the authenticity of those documents. If the historical developments which have taken place within the last few centuries be studied in the light of this book we shall understand why the Jewish Press incessantly repudiates and denounces it. For the Jewish peril will be stamped out the moment the general public come into possession of that book and understand it. ** [[Adolf Hitler]]: ''Mein Kampf'', Chapter "Nation and Race" * Gougenot des Moussaux and Meurin, Goedsche and Osman Bey, Lutostansky and Brafman—these writers have faded into obscurity, but it was their historical role to give birth to the most famous forgery of all, the ''Protocols of the Elders of Zion''. The earliest version of the ''Protocols'' was published in St. Petersburg in 1903 in an anti-Semitic newspaper; it went through several editions, but by and large it was ignored until 1918-19, when it was exported first to Germany and then to the rest of the world. ** [[w:Walter Laqueur|Walter Z. Laqueur]]: [https://www.commentary.org/articles/walter-laqueur/warrant-for-genocide-by-norman-cohn/ "Warrant for Genocide, by Norman Cohn"] ''Commentary'' (July 1967) ** [[w:Norman Cohn|Norman Cohn]]'s ''[[w:Warrant for Genocide|Warrant for Genocide]]'' was first published in the USA in 1966 by Harper & Row. * ''The Protocols'' were not like those old-fashioned anti-Semitic pamphlets which called for limiting Jewish influence in one field or another; they were an appeal for a radical final solution, a “warrant for genocide.” ** [[w:Walter Laqueur|Walter Z. Laqueur]]: [https://www.commentary.org/articles/walter-laqueur/warrant-for-genocide-by-norman-cohn/ "Warrant for Genocide, by Norman Cohn"] ''Commentary'' (July 1967) * Despite conclusive proof that the ''Protocols'' were a gross forgery, they had sensational popularity and large sales in the 1920s and 1930s. They were translated into every [[language]] of Europe and sold widely in [[Arabia|Arab lands]], the [[United States|US]], and [[England]]. But it was in [[Weimar Republic|Germany]] after [[World War I]] that they had their greatest success. There they were used to explain all of the disasters that had befallen the country: the defeat in the war, the [[hunger]], the destructive [[inflation]]. ** Nora Levin: ''The Holocaust: The Destruction of European Jewry 1933–1945''. Quoting [https://web.archive.org/web/20021001121141/http://ddickerson.igc.org/hitler-protokollen.html IGC.org]. * But he [[w:Pavel Krushevan|[Pavel Krushevan]]] was also responsible for writing and publishing in 1903 the infamous ''Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', whose effects haunt us to this day. The ''Protocols'' consists of supposed conversations among a Jewish cabal, which had in fact been lifted from a [[France|French]] satire written by [[w:Maurice Joly|Maurice Joly]] and aimed at [[Napoleon III]]. Though Joly's satire had nothing to do with Jewish matters, it was nevertheless peppered with references to Jews and their money.<br />Until recently, conventional wisdom held that the ''Protocols'' had been fabricated around the [[w:First Zionist Congress|first Zionist Congress]] in 1897 by the [[w:Okhrana|Okhrana]]—the tsarist secret police—and specifically by [[w:Pyotor Rachkovsky|Pyotor Rachkovsky]], the head of the Okhrana delegation in Paris, with help from a journalist named [[w:Matvei Golovinski|Matvei Golovinskii]]. [[w:Steven J. Zipperstein|Zipperstein]] claims, based on current research, that the two were not the authors of the ''Protocols'' and that the Okhrana were not behind it. Krushevan was the first to publish the Protocols in his newspaper, but his involvement as its main author has not been widely recognized.<br />Krushevan was also the main source behind a toxic conspiracy theory in the Protocols about a gathering of prominent Jews, headed by [[w:Edmond James de Rothschild|Edmond James de Rothschild]], that supposedly explained how Jews controlled the world. ** [[w:Avishai Margalit|Avishai Margalit]]: [https://www.nybooks.com/articles/2019/05/23/kishinev-exemplary-pogrom/ "The Exemplary Pogrom"] ''The New York Review of Books'' (May 23, 2019) ** Review of [[w:Steven J. Zipperstein|Steven J. Zipperstein]] ''Pogrom: Kishinev and the Tilt of History'' (Liveright). * '''The most diabolical plot in world history'''. Proof that [[Communism]] is a Jewish World Plot to Enslave The Gentiles by creating Wars and Revolutions, and to seize power during the resulting chaos and to rule with their claimed super-intelligence as the chosen people. '''Fulfilment steadily progresses while the Gentiles, as predicted by the Protocols, sit supinely by from one event to another, unaware of the overall plan which is fast encircling them.''' ** Victor E. Marsden: Foreword of English translation of ''Protocols of the Elders of Zion'' * The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion, also known as The Protocols of the Wise Men of Zion, a list of procedures for world domination. '''This document may have wreaked more havoc than almost any other piece of literature in recent history.''' ** [[w:Jim Marrs|Jim Marrs]]: ''Rule by Secrecy'' (HarperCollins, 2003) * I hope the time will come when nobody will be able to understand how in 1935 nearly a dozen sane and responsible men were able for two weeks to mock the intellect of the [[w:Berne|Bern]] court discussing the authenticity of the so-called Protocols, the very Protocols that, harmful as they have been and will be, are nothing but laughable nonsense.''' ** Walter Meyer [http://www.newtimes.ru/eng/detail.asp?art_id=470 "the trial"], (May 19, 1935). * An idea occurs to us that we cannot hide from the reader: separating the question of authenticity, in other words, determining whether or not these are the true minutes of the [[w:First Zionist Congress|1897 Zionist Congress]] of [[w:Basel|Basel]]; no one can deny the frightening veracity of the ''Protocols'' due to their prodigious almost prophetic exactitude, which saturates all of its pages. ** ''Mensajero'' magazine (Spain, August 1932), pp. 383−84, cited in T.J. Williford, "The Judeo-Masonic Conspiracy Theory", in Esther Webman (ed.), [https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=xWusAgAAQBAJ&pg=PA116&lpg=PA116 ''The Global Impact of the Protocols of the Elders of Zion: A Century-Old Myth''], Routledge: Abingdon, Oxon, London & New York, 2011, p. 116. [[File:Sergius A. Nilus - The Protocols of Zion (page 4 crop).jpg|thumb|In your hands with God's help, it will bear fruit. ~ Sergei Nilus ]] * Take it into your full possession. Read it. Become inspired and make out of it something useful for the Christian soul. Otherwise it might remain with me unused. From a political standpoint it is useless, for it is too late to act on it. From a spiritual standpoint, however, it might be otherwise. In your hands with God's help, it will bear fruit. ** [[w:Sergei Nilus|Sergeius A. Nilus]], ''The Protocols and World Revolution'' * The book's vagueness—almost no names, dates, or issues are specified—has been one key to this wide-ranging success. The purportedly Jewish authorship also helps to make the book more convincing. Its embrace of contradiction—that to advance, Jews use all tools available, including [[capitalism]] and communism, philo-Semitism and antisemitism, [[democracy]] and [[tyranny]]—made it possible for ''The Protocols'' to reach out to all: [[Wealth|rich]] and [[Poverty|poor]], [[Right-wing politics|Right]] and [[Left-wing politics|Left]], [[Christianity|Christian]] and [[Muslim]], American and [[Japan|Japanese]]. ** [[Daniel Pipes]]: ''Conspiracy: How the Paranoid Style Flourishes and Where It Comes From.'' (Simon & Schuster, 1997), p. 85. *It was above all a former French Jesuit and abbot, [[w:Augustin Barruel|Augustin de Barruel]], now regarded as the greatest conspiracy theorist in history due to his books, who fuelled the paranoid accusations against the Jews. For example, it was he who suggested that behind the three great societies – the [[w:Illuminati|Illuminati]], the Freemasons and the [[w:Knights Templar|Knights Templar]] – lay the omnipresent Jews, the true masters of an invisible empire. It is therefore no exaggeration to say that, in addition to being the primary source for the ''Protocols'', his ideas laid some of the intellectual foundations for the worldviews that culminated in the Soviet and Nazi regimes. :*[[w:Massimo Polidoro|Massimo Polidoro]], ''[https://www.massimopolidoro.com/libri/alle-origini-del-complottismo-la-tragica-storia-dei-protocolli-dei-savi-anziani-di-sion.html Alle origini del complottismo: la tragica storia dei Protocolli dei Savi Anziani di Sion]'', ''massimopolidoro.org'', 8 September 2014. *The text was written in 1903, possibly by an agent of the Russian secret police, at the time of the [[w:Dreyfus Affair|Dreyfus Affair]], when a French army officer from a Jewish family was falsely accused of spying for Prussia. It was the anti-Semitism of those who, at all costs, wanted to see Alfred Dreyfus convicted and thus prove the danger posed by the Jews that encouraged the creation of the ''Protocols''. :*[[w:Massimo Polidoro|Massimo Polidoro]], ''[https://www.massimopolidoro.com/libri/alle-origini-del-complottismo-la-tragica-storia-dei-protocolli-dei-savi-anziani-di-sion.html Alle origini del complottismo: la tragica storia dei Protocolli dei Savi Anziani di Sion]'', ''massimopolidoro.org'', 8 September 2014. *This pamphlet would have been forgotten had it not been for [[Henry Ford]], the car magnate, who took it at face value and had it reprinted in the United States. [...] In Germany, the Nazis took note of the ‘Protocols’, and Hitler made the ‘Protocols’ one of the cornerstones of his anti-Semitic campaign, frequently citing them to demonstrate that ‘the entire existence of this people is based on a continuous lie’. :*[[w:Massimo Polidoro|Massimo Polidoro]], ''[https://www.massimopolidoro.com/libri/alle-origini-del-complottismo-la-tragica-storia-dei-protocolli-dei-savi-anziani-di-sion.html Alle origini del complottismo: la tragica storia dei Protocolli dei Savi Anziani di Sion]'', ''massimopolidoro.org'', 8 September 2014. * The original drafts of the ''Protocols'' were probably written in France in the 1890s, a period when French Jews were still a relatively small community. ** [[w:Dave Rich|Dave Rich]]: [https://fathomjournal.org/the-lie-that-will-not-die-the-protocols-of-the-elders-of-zion/ "The Lie That Will Not Die: ''The Protocols of the Elders of Zion''"] ''Fathom'' (July 2020) ** Introduction by Dave Rich for a new edition of [[w:Hadassa Ben-Itto|Hadassa Ben-Itto]]'s ''The Lie That Wouldn't Die: The Protocols of the Elders of Zion'', translated from Hebrew in 1998. * At the time the ''Protocols'' was published and popularised in Russia, Jews were fleeing [[Nicholas II of Russia|the Tsar]] in their hundreds of thousands to escape murderous pogroms and growing discrimination. They were hardly in a position to manipulate or control the country they were trying to leave. Purveyors of the ''Protocols'' have claimed that the [[w:First Zionist Congress|first Zionist Congress]] in Basle in 1897 was the location for the fictitious meeting of which the ''Protocols'' is supposed to be the record; but this Zionist Congress was a gathering of desperate Jews looking for a solution, however improbable, to the persecution faced by Jews across Europe. They were the very opposite of the omnipotent puppeteers depicted in this bizarre hoax. ** [[w:Dave Rich|Dave Rich]]: [https://fathomjournal.org/the-lie-that-will-not-die-the-protocols-of-the-elders-of-zion/ "The Lie That Will Not Die: ''The Protocols of the Elders of Zion''"] ''Fathom'' (July 2020) == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion, The}} [[Category:Antisemitism]] [[Category:Zionism]] 8u626efn33j4zotxljd3o0famb8u7pj 0 240858 3954133 3953819 2026-06-18T12:38:43Z ~2026-35528-93 3343300 3954133 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} {{PAW Patrol header}} '''''{{w|Paw Patrol|PAW Patrol}}''''' is a 3D-animated children's television series that airs on Nickelodeon, which is about a young boy who leads a crew of search and rescue dogs are called on missions to protect the shore side community of Adventure Bay and surrounding areas. The show was aimed at elementary school children, and middle school children, and from ages 5 to 12. ==Seasons== :[[PAW Patrol (season 1)|Season 1]], [[PAW Patrol (season 2)|2]], [[PAW Patrol (season 3)|3]], [[PAW Patrol (season 4)|4]], [[PAW Patrol (season 5)|5]], [[PAW Patrol (season 6)|6]], [[PAW Patrol (season 7)|7]], [[PAW Patrol (season 8)|8]], [[PAW Patrol (season 9)|9]], [[PAW Patrol (season 10)|10]], [[PAW Patrol (season 11)|11]], [[PAW Patrol (season 12)|12]], [[PAW Patrol (season 13)|13]] ===Opening=== :''[opening sequence]'' :PAW Patrol, PAW Patrol<br /> :We'll be there on the double<br /> :Whenever there's a problem<br /> :'Round Adventure Bay<br /> :Ryder and his team of pups :Will come and save the day<br /> :Marshall, Rubble, Chase, Rocky, Zuma, Skye!<br /> :Yeah! They're on the way!<br /> :PAW Patrol, PAW Patrol<br /> :Whenever you're in trouble<br /> :PAW Patrol, PAW Patrol<br /> :We'll be there on the double<br /> :No job's too big, no pup's too small!<br /> :PAW Patrol, we're on a roll!<br /> :So here we go, PAW Patrol<br /> :Whoa-oh-oh-oh, PAW Patrol<br /> :Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh, PAW Patrol! ''[barks]'' ===Films=== * ''[[PAW Patrol: The Movie]]'' (2021) * ''[[PAW Patrol: The Mighty Movie]]'' (2023) * ''[[PAW Patrol: The Dino Movie]]'' (2026) ===Spin-off shows=== * ''[[Rubble & Crew]]'' (2023-present) ===Specials=== * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#Mighty Pups (2018)|Mighty Pups]]'' * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#Ready Race Rescue (2019)|Ready Race Rescue]]'' * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#Jet to the Rescue (2020)|Jet to the Rescue]]'' * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#Valiente: A Tracker Story (2025)|Valiente: A Tracker Story]]'' * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#A PAW Patrol Christmas (2025)|A PAW Patrol Christmas]]'' * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#Rocky's Cat-tastrophe (2026)|Rocky's Cat-tastrophe]]'' * ''[[PAW Patrol (specials)#Everest and the Big Chill (2026)|Everest and the Big Chill]]'' ==Repeated lines== ===Ryder=== * No job is too big, no pup is too small! * PAW Patrol, ''[or a variation of every place in the later sub-series]'' to the Lookout! * All right! PAW Patrol is on a roll! * Whenever you're in trouble ''[or a variation of that in later episodes]'', just yelp for help! * You're all such good pups. * What good pups! ===Chase=== * Ready for action, Ryder, sir! * PAW Patrol, ready for action, Ryder, sir! * Chase is on the case! * Spy Chase is on the case! * These paws uphold the laws! ===Marshall=== * I'm fired up! * I'm ready for a ruff-ruff rescue! * ''[when causing a humorous mishap due to his clumsiness] '''WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!''''' * I'm okay! ===Skye=== * Let's take to the sky! * This pup's/puppy's gotta fly! ===Rocky=== * Green means go! * Don't lose it, reuse it! * Why trash it when you can stash it? ===Rubble=== * Rubble on the double! * Let's dig it! ===Zuma=== * Let's dive in! * Ready, set, get wet! * Dude! ===Everest=== * Ice or snow, I'm ready to go! * Off the trail, Everest won't fail! ===Tracker=== * I'm all ears!/¡Soy todo oidos! * ''[when facing a usually daunting situation]'' Oy, oy, oy... * Ay, ay, ay! ===Liberty=== * I am ready to ride! * Pardon, my reach! ===Tuck=== * Mighty and small, I'll give it my all! ===Ella=== * Time to think big! * It's grow time! ===Rex=== * Let's dino do this! ===Al=== * Honk, honk! * 10-4. ===Coral=== * By land or sea, you can count on me! * Oh, my starfish! ===Roxi=== * Let's rox and roll! * Va-room! ===Others=== *'''Cap'n Turbot''': This Cap'n can do! *'''Francois Turbot''': Look at me! *'''Mayor Goodway''': ''[when Chickaletta's in danger]'' My poor purse pet! * '''Mayor Humdinger''': But what if I fall? * '''Alex Porter''': ''[when the Mini Patrol gears up]'' Alex's Mini Patrol is on a roll! *'''Daring Danny X''': ''[when someone refers him as simply "Danny" or "Daring Danny"]'' That's Daring Danny X! ==Cast== ===Main=== * Owen Mason (S1-S2), Elijha Hammill (S2-S3), Jaxon Mercey (S3-S6), Joey Nijem (S6-S7), Beckett Hipkiss (S7-S8), Kai Harris (S8-S12) and Benjamin Sivecic (S13-present) — Ryder * Tristan Samuel (S1), Max Calinescu (S2-S4), Justin Kelly (S5-S10) and Luke Dietz (S10-present) — Chase * {{w|Gage Munroe}} (S1), Drew Davis (S2-S5), Lukas Engel (S6), Kingsley Marshall (S6-S8), Christian Corrao (S8-S11) and Jesse Gervasi (S12-present) — Marshall * Kallan Holley (S1-S5) and {{w|Lilly Bartlam}} (S6-present) — Skye * Stuart Ralston (S1-S2), Samuel Faraci (S3-S7), Jackson Reid (S7-S11), Matteo Gutierrez (S12) and Billy Quinn (S12-present) — Rocky * Devan Cohen (S1-S5), Keegan Hedley (S6-S8) and Lucien Duncan-Reid (S8-present) — Rubble * Alex Thorne (S1-S4), Carter Thorne (S4-S5), Shayle Simons (S6-S8) and Jordan Mazeral (S9-present) — Zuma * Berkley Silverman — Everest * David Lopez (S3-S7), Mateo Carnovale (S8-S10) and River Morales (S11-present) — Tracker * {{w|Tymika Tafari}} — Liberty ===Supporting=== * {{w|Ron Pardo}} — Cap'n Turbot, Mayor Humdinger and Farmer Al * Deann Degruijter (S1-S7) and {{w|Kim Roberts (actress)|Kim Roberts}} (S7-present) — Mayor Goodway * Peter Cugno — Francois Turbot * Katherine Forrester — Katie * {{w|Julie Lemieux}} — Cali * Christian Distefano (S1-S5), Wyatt White (S5-S9), Simon Webster (S9-S11) and Asher Waxman (S11-present) — Alex Porter * Blair Williams — Mr. Porter * Hiromi Okuyama (S1) and Stephany Seki (S2-present) — Farmer Yumi * {{w|Scott McCord}} (S1-S12) and Peter Cugno (S12-present) — Jake * Lucius Hoyos (S2), Jaiden Cannatelli (S3-S7), Diego Rieger (S7-S8), Lucas Miranda (S9-S10) and Desmond Sivan (S11-present) — Carlos * {{w|Daniel DeSanto}} (S3-S5) and {{w|Jonathan Malen}} (S5-present) — Daring Danny X ===Recurring=== * Caoimhe Judd — Princess of Barkingburg * Adrian Truss — Earl of Barkingburg * Anya Cooke — Sweetie * Charles Vandervaart — Sid Swashbuckle * Meesha Contreras (S4-S9) and Jaeren Perez (S10-present) — Arrby * Chance Hurstfield (S5-S7) and Etienne Kellici (S10-present) — Harold Humdinger * Eamon Hanson (S6-S7) and Roman Pesino (S9-present) — Tuck * Isabella Leo — Ella * {{w|Bryn McAuley}} — The Ladybird * Callum Shoniker — The Copycat * Luxton Handspiker (S7) and Hartley Bernier (S9-present) — Rex * Marisa McIntyre — Dr. Tammy Turbot * Ava Ro — Taylor Turbot * Tristan Mammitzsch (S7-S9) and Hawthorne Wilde Fowler (S10-present) — Wild * Tianna SwamiNathan — Rory * Markeda McKay — Shade * Kingston Crooks (S9) and Dean Humphries (S10-present) — Leo * Julian Crispo (S7) and Kyle Hodgson (S9-present) — Hubcap * Osias Reid (S7) and Levi Dombokah (S9-present) — Dwayne * Madison Abbott — Gasket * Nylan Parthipan — Al * Kaia Oz — Coral * Ian Ho — Moby * Eliot Dahan — Nano * Thandie Quiambao — Mini * Desmond Sivan — Tot * Mia SwamiNathan — Roxi * Jayd Deroché — Boomer ==External links== {{wikipedia|Paw Patrol}} * {{Commonscat-inline|Paw Patrol}} * {{IMDb title|3121722}} [[Category:2010s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2010s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s American animated TV shows]] [[Category:2020s Canadian animated TV shows]] [[Category:Computer-animated TV shows]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about dogs]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about cats]] [[Category:Animated TV shows about children]] [[Category:American children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated education TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated action TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated adventure TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated comedy TV shows]] [[Category: American children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated fantasy TV shows]] [[Category:American children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:Canadian children's animated musical TV shows]] [[Category:Nick Jr. shows]] [[Category:TVOntario shows]] [[Category:Television series on DVD]] [[Category:Current shows]] [[Category:PAW Patrol]] b80p89jw0d16uduqyqr0uha17p3ad1a 0 245230 3954219 3864440 2026-06-18T17:26:17Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Canada]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954219 wikitext text/x-wiki [[wikipedia:Rosanne Casimir|'''Rosanne Casimir''']] [[w:OBC|OBC]] is the Kúkpi7 (Chief) of the [[wikipedia:Tk’emlúps_te_Secwépemc|Tk’emlúps te Secwépemc]]. == Quotes == * The impact of this find was devastating. It’s hard to overstate the effects and impact it’s had on our nation. It’s triggered so many hurts and wounds. We have a lot of grieving members right now. ** Quoted in [https://nypost.com/2021/05/29/canadian-tribal-chief-survivors-devastated-by-mass-indigenous-kids-grave/ Canadian tribal chief, survivors ‘devastated’ by mass grave of Indigenous kids], May 29, 2021 *We had a knowing in our community that we were able to verify. **Quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/americas/remains-215-children-found-former-indigenous-school-site-canada-2021-05-28/ Remains of 215 children found at former indigenous school site in Canada] May 30, 2021 *Today is about making some positive steps forward and rectifying a mistake. We wanted to ensure that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau visited what we refer to as a sacred site. It was a long awaited moment to receive a personal hand of recognition and sympathy regarding this horrific confirmation of unmarked graves from the Canadian head of state. **Quoted in [https://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/tk-eml%C3%BAps-te-secwepemc-chief-describes-trudeau-visit-as-bittersweet-1.5627066 Tk'emlúps te Secwepemc chief describes Trudeau visit as 'bittersweet'], October 18, 2021 == Quotes about Rosanne Casimir == (chronological order) * “She reached out, she said ‘please come, listen and learn and we will walk this path together and that is why I’m here,’” he [<nowiki/>[[Justin Trudeau]]] said. ** Quoted in [https://www.ctvnews.ca/politics/tk-eml%C3%BAps-te-secwepemc-chief-describes-trudeau-visit-as-bittersweet-1.5627066 Tk'emlúps te Secwepemc chief describes Trudeau visit as 'bittersweet'], October 18, 2021 {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Casimir, Rosanne}} [[Category:Indigenous rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Canada]] [[Category:Women politicians in Canada]] [[Category:People from British Columbia]] tw51er2m0lfcmlqp36aq17kx2cxbbxn 0 248850 3954359 3929234 2026-06-19T07:51:31Z Filmator1 3314256 /* Cast */ Switched to WQ link 3954359 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} :''This page is about the 2022 biographical film. For the CBS mini-series, see [[Elvis (TV miniseries)|Elvis]] (2005).'' [[File:ELVIS light name - Rock and Roll Hall of Fame %282014-12-30 11.57.41 by Sam Howzit%29.jpg|right|thumb|There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself.]] [[File:Elvis_en_revista_pelo_1972.jpg|right|thumb|You know, the first thing I ever recorded, the very first thing was an old rhythm and blues type song called "[[w:That's All Right|That's All Right little Mama]]", and uh back then we only had two or three instruments at the time. But this ain't no nostalgia show. We're gonna do something different.]] [[File:Elvis_Presley_1973_RCA_Records_and_Tapes_publicity_3_-_cropped.png|thumb|right|The greatest show on earth.]] '''''[[w:Elvis (2022 film)|Elvis]]''''' is a [[w:2022 in film|2022]] [[w:Biographical film|biographical]] [[w:Musical film|musical]] [[w:Drama (film and television)|drama film]] about the life of American music icon [[Elvis Presley]], from his childhood years to his rise to international [[w:superstardom|superstardom]]. :''Directed by {{w|Baz Luhrmann}}. Written by Luhrmann, Sam Bromell, {{w|Craig Pearce}} and {{w|Jeremy Doner}}.'' {{center|'''The Man. The Legend. The King of Rock & Roll.''' <small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Elvis Presley == * I would do anything to make sure my momma and daddy never had to live in poverty ever again. * There's a lot of people saying a lot of things. But in the end, you got to listen to yourself. * If I can't move, I can't sing. * I'm ready. Ready to fly. * I'm going to show you what the real Elvis is like tonight! * I‘m so tired of playing Elvis Presley. People rely on me. * I need to get back to who I really am. * Some people wanted to put me in jail, because of the way I was moving. * You know, the first thing I ever recorded, the very first thing was an old rhythm and blues type song called "[[w:That's All Right|That's All Right little Mama]]", and uh back then we only had two or three instruments at the time. But this ain't no nostalgia show. We're gonna do something different. * I'm going to do what I want to do. Sing the music that I want. * I just got to be making the most of this thing while I can. This could be over in a flash. * A reverend once told me, "When things are too dangerous to say... sing." * The papers say I shot my mother and smoke marijuana. == Tom Parker == * For those of you who are wondering who this fella here is, I am the legendary Colonel Tom Parker. I am the man who gave the world Elvis Presley. Without me, there would be no Elvis Presley. And yet, there are some who'd make me out to be the villain of this here story. * No, no, I didn't kill him. I made Elvis Presley. Nothing all those muckrakers said in their books was true. Me and Elvis, we was partners. It was Elvis the Showman and the Colonel the Snowman. I always knew I was destined for greatness. As an orphan, I ran away to the carnival, where I learned the art of the "snow job," of emptying a rube's wallet while leaving them with nothing but a smile on their face. But a carnival act that would get you the most money, the most snow, had great costumes and a unique trick, that gave the audience feelings they weren't sure they should enjoy. But they do. And I knew if I could find such an act, I could create the greatest... show... on... Earth. * It doesn't matter if you do ten stupid things, as long as you do one smart one. * Comic book heroes all find their superpowers. Elvis found music. * Are you born with a destiny? Or does it just come knocking at your door? * In that moment, in a flash of lightning, I watched that skinny boy transform into a superhero. * Now, I don't know nothing about music. But I could see in that girl's eyes, he was a taste of forbidden fruit. She could have eaten him alive! * It was the greatest carnival attraction I'd ever seen. He was my destiny. Right under my nose... in Memphis. Just why a truck driver from Memphis, Tennessee, liked to hang out on Beale Street, I do not know. But it did him no favors, fitting into them white housing projects. He was crazy for that Beale Street music. Beale Street style. He had Beale Street stars in his eyes. * That night, I happened to see him. Alone. Lost. A snowman is only as good... as his attraction. * Tomorrow, all America will be talking about Elvis Presley! * He had no idea what he had done. * Since the day he was born, she had feared losing her second son. While he was in basic training, she worried and drank. Worried and drank. * Those know-it-all hippies had brainwashed Elvis, acting like he was one of them radicals, throwing his career away to sing spirituals with a bunch of longhairs. * I always said, when it came to music, my boy knows best. But the special was ''my'' idea. It was a tremendous hit. We was back on top. But some people were putting ideas in his head that he didn't need me no more. * Now you listen to me. The only thing that matters is that that man gets up on that stage tonight! * I'm a promoter. That's what I do. == Dialogue == :''[as Parker is introducing the Presley family to the merchandising options, Gladys is perturbed by one item]'' :'''Gladys Presley''': "I Hate Elvis". :''[Parker and Elvis look up in surprise and find that written on a button Gladys is holding]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Yes. "I Hate Elvis". In my way of thinking, "I Love Elvis," that's an easy sell. Those who hate your son will do so whether we profit from it or not. ''[to Elvis]'' After all, what is hate worth if it's free? :'''Vernon Presley''': Oh, yeah. I get it. :''[Elvis then breaks into a smile]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I ain't wearin' no tails. I just... gotta lay off the moves, is all. Colonel says if I don't, they're gonna put me in jail. :'''B.B. King''': ''[chuckles]'' Come on, man. They're not gonna put you in jail. They might put me in jail for walkin' across the street, but you a famous white boy. Too many people making too much money off you to put you in jail. :'''Elvis Presley''': You think so? :'''B.B. King''': I know so. The Colonel's a smart man. There's gotta be another reason. <hr width=50%> :''[After the death of his beloved mother, Elvis is grieving alone in her closet, sobbing quietly. Colonel Parker enters.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[gently]'' Your daddy is doing the best he knows how, but he is overwhelmed. He needs your help. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[crying]'' I can't go out there. I just wanna stay here forever. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Oh, my boy. No one could never replace her. But you listen to me. From this moment on, everything she would have done, I will carry out, in her name. When you are overseas, I will stay here at home. And I will work and I will worry. Trust me. Now you go and you stand by your papa. You comfort him. ''[helps Elvis to his feet]'' You comfort him. Comfort your friends and your family and even your fans. Hmm? Because if you don't do that, all that your mama has sacrificed for you will be for nothing. :''[Still crying, Elvis embraces Colonel Parker]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No matter what happens, you stay with me through thick and thin, okay? You're like a... like a father to me. :''[the Colonel pats him on the back, comfortingly]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Elvis Presley''': I've never met anyone like you. :'''Priscilla Beaulieu''': Well, I hope not. <hr width=50%> :''[In 1968, the Colonel is pitching Elvis a Christmas special on TV sponsored by the Singer sewing machine company]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Christmas special. Is this the best we can do, Admiral? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, we took the Hollywood phonies for every nickel they had and now it is time to pack up our tents and move on to even greener pastures. We've seen "Elvis the Rebel". We've seen "Elvis the Movie Star". Now we will see "Elvis the Family Entertainer". :'''Jerry Schilling''': ''[sarcastically]'' And appliance salesman. :'''Elvis Presley''': ''[turning to Jerry]'' What did you say? ''[walks over angrily]'' Listen, Jerry, I don't need you to question me about how I support my family and every ''goddamn'' person here! You understand me? If you don't like it, you can go back to [[w:Memphis, Tennessee|Memphis]]. ''[entering his trailer]'' Laugh it up, assholes. <hr width=50%> :''[Elvis has called TV producer Steve Binder and record producer Bones Howe out for a meeting at the dilapidated Hollywood sign; Elvis is sitting in the second O]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': When I first came up to Hollywood, I'd come up here and sit for hours. ''[gestures over to the [[w:Griffith Observatory|Griffith Observatory]]]'' Right over there, the observatory? That's where they shot ''[[w:Rebel Without a Cause|Rebel Without a Cause]]''. Man, I used to dream about being a great actor like [[w:James Dean|Jimmy Dean]]. This sign was beautiful then. And now... feels as though lots of things are like that these days. Broke down, beat up. Rotten. I really like what you guys did, putting [[w:James Brown|James Brown]] and [[w:Rolling Stones|the Stones]] together. :'''Steve Binder''': We're, uh... big fans of yours too. It's just that, Mr. Presley, we don't usually... :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, Elvis. :'''Steve Binder''': Elvis, uh... Christmas specials aren't really our thing. :'''Elvis Presley''': I know. Tell me, honestly... where do you boys think my career's at right now? :''[Binder looks over to Howe]'' :'''Bones Howe''': Well, it's... :'''Steve Binder''': It's in the toilet, Elvis. :''[Elvis looks up at Jerry Schilling and they both begin laughing]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': You hear that, Jerry? Oh, Lord. I knew you were the right guys for this job. You know, back when I was starting out, some people wanted to put me in jail, even kill me, 'cause of the way I was moving. So they cut my hair, they put me in uniform and they sent me away. That killed my mother. And ever since then... I've been lost. And when you're lost, people take advantage. I need you fellas to help me get back to who I really am. :'''Steve Binder''': And who are you, Elvis? :'''Elvis Presley''': I sure as hell ain't somebody who sings Christmas songs by a fireplace for an hour. :'''Steve Binder''': And what does the Colonel think? :'''Elvis Presley''': I don't give a damn what the Colonel thinks. <hr width=50%> :''[Binder speaks to the crew of the '68 Special in the aftermath of Bobby Kennedy's assassination]'' :'''Steve Binder''': Listen, I, uh... I just wanna say that... that this nation is hurting. It's lost. You know? It... it needs a voice right now to help it heal. We have to say something. ''[turns to Elvis]'' You... have to make a statement, E.P. :''[the Colonel barges his way into the room]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Mr. Presley does not make statements. He sings "Here Comes Santa Claus" and wishes everyone "Merry Christmas and good night". <hr width=50%> :''[Jerry confronts Elvis over the truth about Colonel Parker]'' :'''Jerry Schilling''': He lied. There wasn't going to be an international tour 'cause he can't leave the country. He's got no citizenship, no official identity. He doesn't exist. There never was a Colonel Tom Parker. :'''Elvis Presley''': What are you talking about, Jerry? <hr width=50%> :''[Backstage, Elvis has learned the truth about Colonel Tom Parker and exposes him live on stage; Parker himself is sitting in the audience with the owner of the International Hotel]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': I'd like to turn the house lights up, ladies and gentlemen. 'Cause now that you've seen me, I'd like to take a look at you. ''[the audience cheers and applauds as the house lights come up]'' Oh, you're beautiful. Thank you. Oh, boy! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': He'll mention the VIPs that are here. :'''Elvis Presley''': We got some high-rollers in here tonight. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Get ready for the spotlight. :'''Elvis Presley''': Mr. International Hotel himself! :''[the spotlight falls on him]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Ah, there you go! :'''Elvis Presley''': And right next to him, is my so-called manager, Colonel Tom Parker. :''[the spotlight turns to Parker, who playfully acts bashful]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': But I hear rumors that Colonel is an alien. :''[Audience laughs]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[playing along]'' Got here on my rocketship. :''[Elvis grabs a wine glass from someone in the audience and downs it one gulp]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Somebody call the FBI, and tell 'em that he has abducted me... ''[his voice becoming aggressive]'' that he has locked me... in this... *golden cage* to keep me here forever... with you, ladies and gentlemen. :''[Audience applauds again]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': [singing] So, I'm caught in a trap / I can't get out / 'Cause Colonel's got some big debts, baby. :''[The Colonel realizes what Elvis is saying. Elvis gives him a mean look from the stage.]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Excuse me. :''[Colonel leaves]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Well, this is the last show I'm ever playing here. ''[audience groans]'' I'm gonna get on my jet plane, the "Lisa Marie". It's named after my, uh... my beautiful daughter, and I'm gonna fly away. :''[the Colonel has arrived backstage in a hurry]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': No no no... You know, I'm going to fly away. :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[angrily whispering to the stagehands]'' Stop the show. Stop this show! Come on, get this curtain down! :'''Elvis Presley''': Fuck the International. :''[audience gasps]'' :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[to Jerry]'' Mr. Schilling, what the devil is happening here? :'''Elvis Presley''': And Las Vegas. :'''Jerry Schilling''': That's what he wants to know. :'''Elvis Presley''': Ain't no one gonna stop me, man. ''[spots Parker from the wings]'' Oh, security, Security! ''[begins babbling nonsensically, grabs another microphone from a band member]'' Security, security, security! ''[to Parker, shouting]'' 800 shows, you don't have a goddamn passport, you son of a bitch! You are fired! ''[even louder, even angrier]'' You are fired! ''[Parker has now walked up to him face-to-face; Presley screams]'' '''''YOU'RE FIRRRRRRED!!!''''' :''[audience murmurs]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': ...You're fired. ''[Elvis drops his microphone and leaves the stage]'' <hr width=50%> :''[seeing Col. Parker waiting on him after learning he owes him $8 million dollars]'' :'''Elvis Presley''': Oh, you blood-sucking old vampire. You bled me dry and you still want more? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I'm not an uncaring man, Mr. Presley. :'''Elvis Presley''': Don't you "Mr. Presley" me, you toad! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': If you are so determined to get out of our contract... :'''Elvis Presley''': You're goddamn right I want out! :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': Well, I will personally loan you the money that you owe to Jamboree Attractions. :'''Elvis Presley''': Yeah, you'll still have your claws in me. You'll still have me working here like ''a goddamn slave in a salt mine'', you phony, no-good piece of trash! I oughta shoot you in your fat, goddamn face. Who are you? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': I am you. And you are me. :'''Elvis Presley''': Cut the horseshit! Everything I've ever known about you has been a lie. :'''Jerry Schilling''': E.P., y'all good? :'''Colonel Tom Parker''': ''[chuckles; stands up in front of Elvis]'' My past is the least of your problems, my boy. Everyone else you associate with lives from you, Mr. Presley. Even Vernon. That's right, even your own daddy has looked after himself before he's looked after you. Yes. I have lived from you too, but the difference is you have also lived from me. We have supported each other. Because we shared a dream. We are the same, you and I. We are two odd, lonely children reaching for eternity. Maybe you should fly away, my boy. Away from all of this. But if you do choose to leave... I, for one, would be very lonely. So would your father. ''[Colonel leaves towards an elevator]'' But I think you may be lonely, too. ''[He calls the elevator down]'' Oh, you see, my boy, the... truth about the Rock of Eternity... ''[the elevator opens and Colonel enters]'' ... It is forever just beyond our reach. == Taglines == * The Man. The Legend. The King of Rock & Roll. == Cast == * [[Austin Butler]] - [[Elvis Presley]] ** Chaydon Jay {{small|(young)}} * [[Tom Hanks]] - [[w:Colonel Tom Parker|Col. Tom Parker]] * [[w:Olivia DeJonge|Olivia DeJonge]] - [[Priscilla Presley|Priscilla Beaulieu Presley]] * [[w:Helen Thomas (actress)|Helen Thomas]] - Gladys Presley * [[w:Richard Roxburgh|Richard Roxburgh]] - Vernon Presley * [[w:Kelvin Harrison Jr.|Kelvin Harrison Jr.]] - [[w:B.B. King|B.B. King]] * [[w:Xavier Samuel|Xavier Samuel]] - [[w:Scotty Moore|Scotty Moore]] * [[w:David Wenham|David Wenham]] - [[w:Hank Snow|Hank Snow]] * [[w:Kodi Smit-McPhee|Kodi Smit-McPhee]] - Jimmie Rodgers Snow * [[w:Luke Bracey|Luke Bracey]] - [[w:Jerry Schilling|Jerry Schilling]] * [[w:Leon Ford|Leon Ford]] - Tom Diskin * [[w:Dacre Montgomery|Dacre Montgomery]] - [[w:Steve Binder|Steve Binder]] * [[w:Alton Mason|Alton Mason]] - [[w:Little Richard|Little Richard]] * [[w:Yola (singer)|Yola Quartey]] - [[w:Sister Rosetta Tharpe|Sister Rosetta Tharpe]] * [[w:Gary Clark Jr.|Gary Clark Jr.]] - [[w:Arthur Crudup|Arthur Crudup]] * [[w:Kate Mulvany|Kate Mulvany]] - [[w:Marion Keisker|Marion Keisker]] * [[w:Josh McConville|Josh McConville]] - [[w:Sam Phillips|Sam Phillips]] * [[w:Christopher Sommers|Christopher Sommers]] - [[w:Horace Logan|Horace Logan]] * [[w:Nicholas Bell|Nicholas Bell]] - [[w:James Eastland|Senator James Eastland]] * [[w:Anthony LaPaglia|Anthony LaPaglia]] - [[w:Bernard Lansky|Bernard Lansky]] * Christian Kisando - Smoky * John Mukristayo - Jimmy * Miles Burton - Bobby * Gad Banza - Doc * Adam Dunn - [[w:Bill Black|Bill Black]] * Terepai Richmond - [[w:D.J. Fontana|D.J. Fontana]] * Patrick Shearer - [[w:Dewey Phillips|Dewey Phillips]] * Liz Blackett - Minnie Mae "Dodger" Presley * Cle Morgan - [[w:Mahilia Jackson|Mahalia Jackson]] * Shonka Dukureh - [[w:Big Mama Thornton|Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{IMDb title|id=10095624|title=Elvis}} * {{Rotten-tomatoes|id=elvis}} * [https://www.elvis.warnerbros.com/ Official website] [[Category:2022 films]] [[Category:2022 American films]] [[Category:2020s Australian films]] [[Category:Biographical films]] [[Category:Musical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:Films about drugs]] [[Category:Films about music]] [[Category:Films set in the 1940s]] [[Category:Films set in the 1950s]] [[Category:Films set in the 1960s]] [[Category:Films set in the 1970s]] [[Category:Films set in the 1990s]] [[Category:Films directed by Baz Luhrmann]] [[Category:Rock music films]] [[Category:2022 English-language films]] a2ssnviqiw5q9nvnbb4da8ri755mtw3 0 256909 3954226 3864468 2026-06-18T17:29:50Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from New Zealand]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954226 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Whina Cooper in Hamilton.jpg|thumb|Cooper in 1975]] '''[[w:Whina Cooper|Dame Whina Cooper]]''' (9 December 1895 – 26 March 1994) was a Māori leader and activist from New Zealand who led the 1975 Māori land march from Te Hapua to Wellington, a distance of 1,100 km, at the age of 79. =Quotes= * Not one more acre. ** Whina Cooper [https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/afternoons/audio/2018705746/not-one-more-acre-the-mana-of-dame-whina-cooper] * Let us all remember that the Treaty was signed so that we could all live as one nation in Aotearoa. ** Quoted in https://teara.govt.nz/en/biographies/5c32/cooper-whina ==Quotes about Cooper== * She was the person that galvanised all the array of different issues, opinions, claims, angsts that different communities had had around alienation of land, loss of authority and she really encapsulated that into the march and the term not one more acre. ** Haami Piripi (25 July 2019) [https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/afternoons/audio/2018705746/not-one-more-acre-the-mana-of-dame-whina-cooper 'Not one more acre': The mana of Dame Whina Cooper] * Dame Whina was very strong willed and believed in fighting for things that benefited Maori. She didn't care who was in power, but believed that not one more acre of land should be alienated from Māori without Māori consent. ** [[Titewhai Harawira]] (14 September 2015) https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/te-manu-korihi/284130/'not-one-more-acre' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cooper, Whina}} [[Category:1895 births]] [[Category:1994 deaths]] [[Category:Political figure stubs]] [[Category:Women politicians in New Zealand]] [[Category:Indigenous rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from New Zealand]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] glc600gpgyw6fgxc5h887ihgtcvbpfx 3954227 3954226 2026-06-18T17:29:56Z UDScott 4304 3954227 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Whina Cooper in Hamilton.jpg|thumb|Cooper in 1975]] '''[[w:Whina Cooper|Dame Whina Cooper]]''' (9 December 1895 – 26 March 1994) was a Māori leader and activist from New Zealand who led the 1975 Māori land march from Te Hapua to Wellington, a distance of 1,100 km, at the age of 79. =Quotes= * Not one more acre. ** Whina Cooper [https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/afternoons/audio/2018705746/not-one-more-acre-the-mana-of-dame-whina-cooper] * Let us all remember that the Treaty was signed so that we could all live as one nation in Aotearoa. ** Quoted in https://teara.govt.nz/en/biographies/5c32/cooper-whina ==Quotes about Cooper== * She was the person that galvanised all the array of different issues, opinions, claims, angsts that different communities had had around alienation of land, loss of authority and she really encapsulated that into the march and the term not one more acre. ** Haami Piripi (25 July 2019) [https://www.rnz.co.nz/national/programmes/afternoons/audio/2018705746/not-one-more-acre-the-mana-of-dame-whina-cooper 'Not one more acre': The mana of Dame Whina Cooper] * Dame Whina was very strong willed and believed in fighting for things that benefited Maori. She didn't care who was in power, but believed that not one more acre of land should be alienated from Māori without Māori consent. ** [[Titewhai Harawira]] (14 September 2015) https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/te-manu-korihi/284130/'not-one-more-acre' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{commons category}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Cooper, Whina}} [[Category:1895 births]] [[Category:1994 deaths]] [[Category:Political figure stubs]] [[Category:Women politicians in New Zealand]] [[Category:Indigenous rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from New Zealand]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] niztcqjn33j2w0kyie1op4hyerj7pzv 0 257670 3954367 3837152 2026-06-19T09:06:46Z Apisite 3043558 3954367 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Guiguzi}}''' ([[Chinese language|Chinese]]: {{w|wikt:鬼谷子|鬼谷子}}), also called the '''Baihece''' (Chinese: 捭闔策), is a collection of ancient Chinese [[texts]] compiled between the late Warring States period and the end of the Han Dynasty. The work, between 6,000–7,000 Chinese characters, discusses techniques of rhetoric. {{philo-stub}} ==Quotes about Guiguzi== * Although the expression “citizen diplomacy” was coined in the late [[20th century]], in fact some 2,200 years before the word existed Guiguzi had already established the fundamental [[principle]] that '''[[diplomacy]] and promoting [[peace]] between the states [and between other kinds of parties] is not a profession, but a skill acquired through self-cultivation.''' ** [[Massimo Introvigne]], [https://bitterwinter.org/citizen-diplomacy-from-guiguzi-to-tai-ji-men/ "The Chinese Ethos of Citizen Diplomacy, from Guiguzi to Tai Ji Men"], ''Bitter Winter'' (2022) ==External links== ===Wikimedia-based links=== * {{Commonscat-inline}} * {{Wikipedia-inline}} ===Other links=== * {{Gutenberg author | id=Guiguzi | name=Guiguzi}} * [http://ctext.org/gui-gu-zi Guiguzi on Ctext] {{Social and political philosophers}} [[Category:Chinese philosophy]] [[Category:Chinese literature]] 5w1t6v6e55u5gp0fstgxs71kik1qvae 2 261271 3954292 3953677 2026-06-18T21:19:39Z Sandi74645 3160827 /* S */ 3954292 wikitext text/x-wiki '''<big>Current Programming</big>''' * ''Vet Detective" (2026-Present) * ''Wildlife ER'' (2023-Present) * ''Incredible Northern Vets'' (2025-Present) * ''Secrets of The Zoo: Down Under'' (2020-Present) '''<big>Former Programming</big>''' ===A=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''A Penguin's Life'' ✓ * ''Africa's Hunters'' ✓ * ''Africa's Wild West'' ✓ * ''Amazon Underworld'' ✓ * ''America the Beautiful'' ✓ * ''America's Wild Frontier'' * ''Alaska's Grizzly Gauntlet'' ✓ * ''Animals, They're Just Like Us!'' ✓ {{Col-end}} ===B=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Brazil'' * ''Boss Croc'' ✓ * ''Bumblebees (youtube) * ''Born In Africa'' ✓ * ''Baboon Queen'' * ''Birth of A Pride'' ✓ * ''Big Sur: Wild California'' ✓ * ''Behind Russia's Frozen Curtain'' ✓ * ''Built for the Kill'' (Tv Series) (2001–2004) {{Col-end}} ===C=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Cub Camp'' 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2001–2008 * ''Animal Cops: Detroit'' (Tv Series) 2003–2010 * ''Animal Cops: Houston'' (Tv Series) 2003–2015 * ''Animal Cops: Phoenix'' (Tv Series) 2007–2009 * ''Animal Planet Zooventure'' (Tv Series) 1997–2000 * ''Austin Stevens: Snakemaster'' (Tv Series) 2004–2009 {{Col-end}} ===B=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * '' Big Cat Tales'' ✓ * '' Big, Small & Deadly'' * '' Big Cats: Secret Lives'' * '' Britain's Wildest Places'' ✓ * '' Battle Ground: Rhino Wars'' * '' Bad Dog'' (Tv Series) 2011-2016 * '' Big Cat Dairy'' (Tv Series) 1996-2005 * '' Breed All About It'' (Tv Series) 1997-2001 * '' Big Cat Tales: More From The Mara Region'' {{Col-end}} ===C=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Cats 101'' (Tv Series) 2008-2012 * ''Croc Files'' (Tv Series) 1999-2005 * ''Call Of The Wild Man'' (Tv Series) 2011-2014 * ''Crickey It's The Irwin's'' (Tv Show) 2018-2022 * ''Confessions: Animal Hording'' (Tv Series) 2010-2014 {{Col-end}} ===D=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Dolphin Days'' ✓ * ''Dogs: The Untold Story'' * ''Dark Days In Monkey City'' * ''Dogs 101'' (Tv Series) 2008-2011 * ''Dr. Jeff: Rocky Mountain Vet'' (Tv Series) 2015-2022 {{Col-end}} ===E=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Escape To Chimp Eden'' * ''Emergency Vets'' (Tv Series) 1998-2008 {{Col-end}} ===G=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Going Ape'' ✓ * ''Gorilla School'' ✓ * ''Gator Boys'' (Tv Series) 2012-2017 * ''Gorillas on the Brink: Saving a Species'' * ''Growing up Animal Series: '' * ''- Grizzly'' * ''- Lion'' * ''- Tiger '' * ''- Cheetah '' * ''- Marsupia'' * ''- Elephant'' * ''- Wolf'' * ''- Clouded Leopard'' * ''- Zebra'' * ''- Baboon'' * ''- Black Bear'' * ''- Orangutan'' * ''- Rhino'' * ''- Lynx'' * ''- Polar Bear'' * ''- Penguin'' * ''- Giraffe'' * ''- Walrus'' * ''- Hyena'' * ''- Camel'' * ''- Moose'' * ''- Leopard'' * ''- Sitka Deer'' * ''- Gorilla'' * ''- Giant Panda'' {{Col-end}} ===I=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Into The Pride '' * ''Into The Lions Den'' * ''I Was Prey'' (Tv Series) 2017-2019 * ''It's Me or The Dog'' (Tv Series) 2007-2012 {{Col-end}} ===J=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Jane Goodall's When Animals Talk'' {{Col-end}} ===K=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Killer Whales: The Mega Hunt'' ✓ {{Col-end}} ===L=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Little Giants'' ✓ * ''Lemur Kingdom'' * ''League of Monkey's'' * ''Living With Man-Eaters'' ✓ * ''Lone Star Law'' (Tv Series) 2016-2022 {{Col-end}} ===M=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Man vs Bear'' ✓ * ''Meerkat Manor (www.azmovies.net) * ''Mounted Branch'' ✓ * ''Man-Eating Super Croc'' * ''Man-Eating Super Squid'' * ''Mysterious Wild Of India'' * ''Meerkat Manor'' (Tv Series) 2005-2008 * ''My Cat From Hell'' (Tv Series) 2011-2020 * ''Monsters Inside Me'' (Tv Series) 2009-2017 * ''Mysterious Creatures With Forrest Galante'' ✓ * ''Meet the Pandas: Washington's New Power Couple'' {{Col-end}} ===N=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Night'' (Discovery+) * ''North Woods Laws'' (Tv Series) 2012-2021 {{Col-end}} ===O=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Otter Dynasty'' ✓ * ''Orangutan Island'' {{Col-end}} ===P=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Project Grizzly'' ✓ * ''Pandamonium'' ✓ * ''Panda Republic'' ✓ * ''Pet Star'' (Tv Series) 2002-2005 * ''Pit Boss'' (Tv Series) 2010-2013 * ''Pitbulls & Parolees'' (Tv Series) 2009-2022 {{Col-end}} ===R=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Rise of The Warrior Apes'' * ''Romeo & Juliet: A Monkey's Tale'' * ''River Monsters'' (Tv Series) 2009-2017 * ''Rattle Snake Republic'' (Tv Series) 2012-2014 {{Col-end}} ===S=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Survival of the Beast'' * ''Season of The Grizzly'' * ''Saving Grace: The Otter'' ✓ * ''Safari: An Extraordinary Adventure'' * ''Swamp Wars'' (Tv Series) 2011-2013 * ''Saving The Gorillas: Ellen's Next Adventure'' ✓ * ''Austin Stevens: Snakemaster'' (Tv Series) 2004−2009 {{Col-end}} ===T=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''The Nile'' * ''The Pack'' ✓ * ''Tucan Nation'' * ''The Real Lion Queen'' (saved) * ''The Beauty of Snakes'' * ''The Great Shark Chase'' * ''Tanked'' (Tv Series) 2011-2018 * ''The Zoo'' (Tv Series) 2017-2021 * ''Too Cute'' (Tv Series) 2011-2017 * ''The Vet Life'' (Tv Series) 2016-2020 * ''The Aquarium'' (Tv Series) 2020-2021 * ''The Most Extreme'' (Tv Series) 2002-2006 * ''The Zoo: San Deigo'' (Tv Series) 2019-2022 * ''The Crocodile Hunter'' (Tv Series) 1997-2004 * ''The Magic Of The Big Blue: Seven Continents'' (ihavenotv.com) * ''The Secret Life Of The Zoo'' (Tv Series) 2016-2020 * ''The Jeff Corwin Experience'' (Tv Series) 2001-2003 * ''The Planets Funniest Animals'' (Tv Series) 1990-2008 {{Col-end}} ===U=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Untamed & Uncut'' (Tv Series) 2008-2010 {{Col-end}} ===W=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Wild Deep'' * ''Wild Costa Rica'' * ''Wild New Zealand'' * ''Wolves and Warriors'' ✓ * ''Walking With Elephants'' ✓ * ''Wild Africa: Rivers Of Life'' * ''Wildest Islands of Indonesia" azmovies.net * ''Whale Wars'' (Tv Series) 2008-2015 * ''Weird, True & Freaky'' (Tv Series) 2008-2012 {{Col-end}} ===Y=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Yellowstone Journals'' {{Col-end}} ===Z=== {{Col-begin}} {{Col-2}} * ''Zolton: The Wolfman'' ✓ {{Col-end}} _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ pbdo37pts7bmgiu7x4g27syhnmh6fpn 0 262107 3954147 3954056 2026-06-18T14:02:41Z ~2026-35766-98 3343328 3954147 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''[[The Loud House|Main]]''': Seasons [[The Loud House (season 1)|1]] [[The Loud House (season 2)|2]] [[The Loud House (season 3)|3]] [[The Loud House (season 4)|4]] [[The Loud House (season 5)|5]] [[The Loud House (season 6)|6]] [[The Loud House (season 7)|7]] [[The Loud House (season 8)|8]] [[The Loud House (season 9)|9]] [[The Loud House (season 10)|10]] [[The Loud House (season 11)|11]] | '''Movies''': [[The Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas]] / [[A Really Haunted Loud House]] / [[The Casagrandes Movie]] / [[No Time to Spy: A Loud House Movie]] / [[A Loud House Christmas Movie: Naughty or Nice]] | '''[[The Casagrandes|The Casagrandes]]''' (Seasons [[The Casagrandes/Season 1|1]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 2|2]] [[The Casagrandes/Season 3|3]]) | '''[[The Really Loud House|The Really Loud House]]''' ---- '''''{{w|The Loud House}}''''' (2016–present) is an American [[w:animated television series|animated television series]] created by [[w:Chris Savino|Chris Savino]] for [[w:Nickelodeon|Nickelodeon]]. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children. ==Episode 1== ===''Waking History'' [7.1a]=== :'''Todd''': '''You are just going to reanimate her anyway, aren't you?''' :'''Lisa''': Todd, we need to have a scientific obligation to solve the universe's greatest mysteries. And if that leads to a museum wing being named after me, who am I to quibble? :'''Todd''': '''But how are we just going to do it?''' :'''Lisa''': Dr. Alvarez shall and will just be out for her volleyball tournament tomorrow. It'll just become the perfectest time. We'll just feel early, before the museum starts to open. Looking forward to meeting you, prehistoric woman. ===''Pranks Fore Nothing'' [7.1b]=== :'''Raj''': ''[sitting on his own knees]'' No! Not the Prank War! It is the bane of my existence every year. No matter how hard we try we never like to come anywhere besides beating the Sand Trap team. ''[groans]'' They're just too good for it! :'''Ewan''': The worst part is that the losing team has to clean the winners toilets for a month. :'''Lori''': Well, save your own plungers, people, because Lori Loud tries to clean no one's own toilets. I literally come from the prankiest family ever. I can win this for us. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luan''': A little advice… Now that you know the pranking basics, remember, anything can be a prank. And I mean anything. ==Episode 2== ===''Child's Play'' [7.2a]=== :'''Luan''': ''[entering her and Luna's own bedroom]'' Hey! It's the Moon Goats! My favorite ''[bleats] BAAA-''nd! <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': ''[groaning]'' We got zilch. :'''Sully''': Agh! And we've been working forever. How long has it been? Hours? Days?! :'''Mazzy''': ''[checks the time on her phone]'' It's been seven minutes. :'''Sam''': This is ''very'' hard. How are we supposed to find songs toddlers rock to? <hr width="50%"> :'''Birthday Boy''': Another song! :'''Sam''': Aw, sorry, little guy. But we've only got… :'''Birthday Boy''': ''[grabs Sam by the collar and pulls her into his face; viciously]'' It's my birthday and I want another song! <hr width="50%"> :'''Katherine''': Excuse me. Pardon me. Award-winning news celebrity coming through. Nice to meet you. I'm… :'''Moon Goats''': ''[surprised]'' Katherine Mulligan! :'''Katherine''': Yes, I'm here with my favorite niece, Adeline Mulligan. ''[turns around, revealing Adeline in a baby harness on her back]'' And I need to say, your own band is really a toddler sensation. I love to have you perform on my morning show, Kat Chat. Start the other day with a hot, steaming up of Katherine! :'''Luna''': A gig? On TV?! For ''REAL?!'' :'''Katherine''': Absolutely. And Katherine Mulligan pays a generous appearance fee. So, what do you say? :'''Luna''': Let me discuss with my associates. :''[The Moon Goats huddle up in a circle]'' :'''Sam''': Guys, we could get those thumpin' speakers, like, ''way'' faster! :'''Mazzy''': Yeah, and probably still have some money left for that awesome stage package we saw, remember? :''[They imagine themselves rocking out with the new speakers and confetti cannons]'' :'''Sully''': ''[dreamily]'' Oh, many pretty colors. :'''Moon Goats''': We're in! :'''Katherine''': Great! Let's say, tomorrow morning. Oh, and one thing, I want you to play a new song. Katherine Mulligan likes her performances the way she likes her breaking news: exclusive! Now, I have to go. My niece has seemingly escaped. ''[leaves]'' Adeline Mulligan, do not lick that cake! :'''Mazzy''': New speakers, here we come! <hr width="50%"> :''[The Moon Goats sit outside in the front yard as Luna paces around, back and forward; backwards and forth]'' :'''Sam''': Without Lily, we seem to have no songs for tomorrow morning! Our own big TV debut is currently just gonna act like a big bust! :'''Luna''': We need to think about something. :'''Mazzy''': ''[as Sully gasps]'' I swear, if this is gas again… :'''Sully''': No, no, no, no, no. I just realize Lily's not the only baby in the city. :'''Luna''': ''[gasps]'' Yes, yes! All we need to do is snag a tune from another toddler! Sully, you're a total genius! :'''Sully''': Told you nothing bad happened… ''[belches]'' Okay, some of it was gas. ===''Force of Habits'' [7.2b]=== :'''Leni''': Why do ''you'' folks care to try to deal with Bobby and Sam's annoying habits? :''[Lori and Luna laugh, giggle, chuckle, cackle, guffaw, snicker, titter, snort, tee-hee, chortle, and lament]'' :'''Lori''': Bobby doesn't need to have any annoying habits. He's literally perfect. :'''Luna''': Sam, too. Sorry we couldn't help you, sis. <hr width="50%"> :''[Lori and Luna return home, both annoyed after their dates with Bobby and Sam, revealing they have annoying habits too]'' :'''Lori''': Did you folks ever notice that Bobby sings everything he does? :'''Luna''': Sam's worse. She can't make up her favorite mind! It took her fifteen minutes to pick a seat on the bus! By the time she sat down, we'd arrived at our favorite stops! :'''Leni''': Those start to sound like annoying habits to me. But don't worry. ''Sixteen 1/2 Magazine'' didn't let me down tonight. ''[opens the magazine]'' Listen: '''"Your favorite partner is a real work in real progress. If they're going to have annoying habits cuz they want to have annoying habits, it's up to you to get rid of them and make your favorite partner easier."''' <hr width="50%"> :''[Leni and Gavin are having lunch at the Royal Woods Mall food court]'' :'''Gavin''': ''[blushing]'' I laugh, giggle, chuckle, cackle, guffaw, snicker, titter, snort, tee-hee, chortle, and lament? I didn't do any of that. ''[laughs, giggles, chuckles, cackles, guffaws, snickers, titters, snorts, tee-hees, chortles, and laments strongly or weakly]'' Oh, how embarrassing. :'''Leni''': Oh, don't feel embarrassed. I'm only trying to point it out so anyone can fix it and be truer. :'''Gavin''': Thanks, Leni. I appreciate that. I promise I will ''spa-get'' better! ''[laughs at his own joke, then stops before laughing, giggling, chuckling, cackling, guffawing, snickering, tittering, snorting, tee-heeing, chortling, and lamenting]'' Ah, see? :''[Meanwhile, at the Loud House…]'' :'''Sam''': I seem to have no idea how bad we felt. I'm definitely going to work on it... or maybe I'll see a therapist… or shall I just try to journal? ''[realizes what she's doing; blushes]'' Oops, I'm doing it again. :'''Luna''': But you caught it. You're already true. :''[Meanwhile, at the park…]'' :'''Bobby''': ''[blushing]'' Wow. Most times, I don't know I'm… ''♪ singing! ♪ [catches himself and tries to clear his throat]'' Singing. :'''Lori''': That's why you're very lucky to have me. I can try to point these things out and help make you truer. :'''Bobby''': Thanks, Babe. <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': No better reason to celebrate than with Dad's tear-soaked red velvet cake. :'''Leni''': Hold on! Totes, I need to try to post this on SwiftyPic. ''[takes a picture of the cake]'' :'''Lori''': And, now that we've just fixed our favorite partners' annoying habits, we can start trying to plan… :'''Lori, Luna, and Leni''': The triple-date to Dairyland! <hr width="50%"> :'''Bobby''': Today's just been a fun day! :'''Sam''': Yeah, it was a cool idea to do a triple-date. :'''Gavin''': Especially at Dairyland. :'''Lori''': Wait! Leni, you haven't posted a pic of your lunch yet. :'''Leni''': Oh, I'm not doing any of that anymore. Some people think I don't live in the moment enough, even though those people know, I already live in Royal Woods. :'''Gavin''': Wait, are you mad about what I said? :'''Leni''': Why would I be mad? ''[offering Luna two breadsticks]'' Here, Luna, I saved you two breadsticks for your drum solo. :'''Luna''': No thanks. Some people think it'd be better if I'd limited my musical solos to Moon Goat shows. :'''Sam''': Wait, was that a dig at ''me?'' :'''Lori''': No. The other dig is telling someone they say "literally" all of the other times. Some people have suggested much to me before. :'''Bobby''': Seriously, babe? :'''Lori''': Oops, I'm sorry. Did I say the other word again? I guess I'm literally getting out of another weird control. Literally, literally, literally, literally… :''[The three older Loud sisters start resuming their own annoying habits]'' :'''Leni''': And post, and post, and post! :'''Lori''': …literally, literally, literally, literally, literally… :'''Bobby''': How come it's okay for you gals to point out ''our'' annoying habits, but before we try to point out ''yours'', you seem to feel mad?! :'''Lori''': Because you only did it to get back at us! :'''Gavin''': No, we didn't. :'''Sam''': We were really just being helpful, like ''you'' were with us. :'''Lori, Luna & Leni''': Yeah, wright, correct! :'''Gavin''': You know what? I don't think I wanna grow up this date anymore. :'''Bobby''': Me neither. :'''Sam''': I'm with you folks. Come on. ''[she, Gavin and Bobby walk away]'' :'''Lori''': No, you folks. Wait. ''[their favorite partners smile hopefully]'' Because ''we'' are literally leaving first! ''[she, Leni and Luna try to storm off, angrily]'' :''[After a short pause, Bobby, Gavin and Sam walk away in the opposite direction, grumpily; Later, while riding the Seas of Cheese ride, the three older Loud sisters are angry about their favorite partners]'' :'''Leni''': Boy, they had a lot of nerve! :'''Luna''': They don't really realize how hurt they were being! :'''Lori''': ''[realize to remember something; regretfully]'' Oh, now that I think about it, if I remember what they said to us was hurt, maybe one of you may remember what we said to them was hurt, too. :'''Leni''': O-M-Gosh, you're wright, you're correct! We might never try to point out their annoying habits in the first place if you was born at all! ''[gasps]'' Which means ''Sixteen 1/2 Magazine'' was... wrong! Ah, I'm gonna enjoy a long moment for now cuz I wanna enjoy a long moment for now. :'''Luna''': You're wright, you're correct, dudes and dudettes. If you care to meet people about someone, you may accept them for who they are. I know! That's the lyrics to many songs! ==Episode 3== ===''Candy Crushed'' [7.3a]=== :'''Rita''': ''[sits on Lola's bed]'' Lola, sweetie, it seems like your sweet tooth is getting out of hand. Maybe it's another time to take a little break from treats. :'''Lola''': A little break from treats? ''[scoffs]'' Please. It's not like I need to have a problem at all. :'''Rita''': You're eating a lollipop anyhow. :'''Lola''': What? ''[removes a lollipop from her mouth which she is indeed eating]'' Who put that there? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Lynn''': Aw, yeah, baby! Another time to carb load before the big game! :'''Lola''': ''[throws the French toast away and grabs Lynn by the collar; threateningly]'' You're either with me or against me, Lynn! :'''Lana''': Alright! Breakfast on the floor! You gals finally listened to me! ===''Master of Delusion'' [7.3b]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[looking into a Crystal Ball]'' That's Madame Mystery's crystal globe. ''[then sees a display case across the hall from it containing playing cards and a photo of a female magician]'' Ooh, and those are The Great Colangelo's Cards of Chaos. ''[looks and walks over to a small box with a series of sound slots below a red button protected by a translucent yellow cover; picks it up]'' Ooh, what's this? ''[shakes it]'' A box of magical wonders? :'''Brailster''': ''[takes the box]'' Close, it's a smoke alarm. ''[puts it back]'' Please don't touch anything. The chateau is full of trap doors. Rumor has it there are magicians who have gone missing in the chateau and have never been found. :'''Lincoln''': That's awesome. ''[Brailster gives him a smirking look]'' I mean… not for them. Of course. ==Episode 4== ===''Bye Bye Birthday'' [7.4a]=== :'''Bertrand''': Apologies, dear friends. I'm afraid my spell work has suffered since my exile aboard that cruise ship. :'''Lucy''': ''[lying on a grave; moaning]'' Sigh… Big sigh… :'''Bertrand''': Worry not, Lucy. We shall get to the Underworld someday. :'''Lucy''': It's not that. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my tragic arrival on this Earth. :'''Morticians''': ''[confused]'' Huh? :'''Lucy''': My 9th birthday. :''[Boris plays a sad tune, while the other Morticians approach her for comfort]'' :'''Haiku''': My condolences. :'''Dante''': How dreadful. :'''Boris''': Oh, why must normie society insist on celebrating life? :'''Lucy''': I'm afraid my birthdays are even worse than a typical normie celebration. Every year, my family subjects me to the same traditions. ''[Flashback to one of her birthdays; narrating]'' They start the day at a frightening pitch. :'''Flashback Louds''': ''[barge into her and Lynn's room with balloons, noisemakers, and confetti after she wakes up]'' Happy Birthday, Lucy! :''[Cut to later of Rita putting the Loud birthday sash on her, which hasn't been washed]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[narrating]'' Then they force me to wear the traditional Loud birthday sash. I suspect it's never been washed. :'''Flashback Lana''': Hey, it's my booger from my 3rd birthday! ''[eats it, making Lucy gag]'' :''[Cut to the Louds bouncing inside a bouncy house, that's clearly been reused for countless birthdays]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[narrating]'' Then I'll be subjected to the dreaded bouncy castle, a family birthday staple ever since my dad got it on clearance. :'''Flashback Lynn Sr.''': See, Rita? I told you we'd get our money's worth. :''[Cut to the Louds singing the birthday song for Lucy at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[narrating]'' Then, there's the singing. ''[shudders]'' Oh, the singing. :'''Flashback Louds''': ''[singing]'' ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ :'''Flashback Lucy''': Sigh… finally, the torture ends. :'''Flashback Luna''': Now in French, ''les'' dudes! ''[starts singing the birthday song in French with the waiters] ♪ Bon anniversaire à toi, bon anniversaire à toi… ♪ :'''Lucy''': Groan… ''[back to present; the Morticians gasp in horror]'' I wish my family would just forget about my birthday. ===''Tough Guise'' [7.4b]=== :'''Lincoln''': All right, team, we need a story that's gonna top last week's feature: Water Fountain Etiquette with Clyde. Any suggestions? :'''Action News Team''': Hmm… :'''Rusty''': Ooh, I got one! Me! :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs]'' No, we're not doing another piece on your ab routine, Rusty. :'''Stella''': ''[takes a box of complains]'' Yeah, we're ''still'' sifting through the complaint letters. :'''Rusty''': Say what you want. There's one name on everybody's lips. <hr width="50%"> :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[grabs and picks up Zach by the backpack after being tackled]'' You need two seconds to tell me what the blue blazes is going on! :'''Zach''': Don't panic, but there's an alien inside of you, Mr. B. I can totally prove it! See ''[shows his detector]'' It's flashing, which means… ''[his detector is low on battery power]'' Low battery… ''[chuckles sheepishly]'' Let's just call this a whoopsie. :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': ''[drops him]'' A whoopsie?! We must call it… ''[yelling angrily in his face] '''TWO DAYS' DETENTION FOR TACKLING A TEACHER, GURDLE?!''' [storms off]'' :'''Lincoln''': You okay, Zach? :'''Stella''': We saw everything. :'''Zach''': Uh, yeah. Well, at least it's only two days of detention. ''[his friends gasp]'' What? What's the big deal? I've had detention before. :'''Rusty''': Yeah, in elementary school. This is middle school! The other bullies are bigger, and so are their wedgies! :'''Lincoln''': Yeah. Lynn once told me about a kid who went to detention, and the other kids gave him a wedgie very hard, it stunted his growth! :'''Zach''': ''[shudders nervously]'' Oh, great. What am I gonna do?! :'''Rusty''': Don't worry, dawg. I'll be there to help you because I need to help you. ==''Road Trip''== ===''Bizarritorium (Episode 5)''=== :'''Lincoln''': It's summer break for the Louds! That starts to mean three months of nonstop fun! :'''Mr. Grouse''': It's summer break for the Louds. That starts to mean three months of nonstop torture. <hr width="50%"> :''[An RV pulls up in front of the house and Rita steps out with a smile on her face]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Rita? Whose RV is this? :'''Rita''': Ours! At least for the summer. Earlier today, I was in Jesse's office at the Gazette. :''[Flashback to earlier…]'' :'''Jesse''': ''[on the phone]'' Here's the cover story, Linda: Travel writer does column about manure farms in Michigan. Editor Jesse Hiller, furious! Nobody wants to read about cow doo-doo over their morning coffee. Well, I've just been handed this news update: YOU'RE FIRED! ''[angrily hangs up]'' Oh, what am I gonna do, Rita? Wanted: Someone to write our summer travel column. Someone willing to hit the road, zigzagging the country in an RV, all expenses paid, willing to start extra, extra soon! :''[Back to present]'' :'''Lincoln''': So does this mean…? :'''Rita''': Yep, and she's letting me write the column! What do you say? You folks up for a summer-long adventure? :''[Lynn Sr. and the siblings all cheer]'' :'''Lola''': Finally, I'll escape this fourth-rate town! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': If I want to stop at the Bizzaritorium, I need to make sure we end up with ''lots'' of extra times. Phase One: Operation Turn the Clocks Forward. This calls for some David Steele stealth action. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Louds arrive at Dr. Weirdly's Bizzaritorium, only to find that it's gone out of business before]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[dismayed]'' How can it be out of business?! :'''Mr. Coconuts''': What a shocker, huh? Who isn't into a bunch of creepy, old tchotchkes? :'''Rita''': Aw, I'm so sorry, sweetie. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Look on the bright side, kiddo. We've begun with a big summer ahead of us. I bet we'll find a mummy somewhere else cuz we want to find a mummy somewhere else! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Well, if I didn't get to see the Bizarritorum, at least everyone knows I ended up with a cool souvenir earlier. Who knows? Maybe it'll be my very own good luck charm. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lola''': ''[overhearing Lincoln, realizing he stole the Mummy's cursed ring and cursed the family]'' MOM! Lincoln stole a ring from the Mystic Mummy of Mystery and cursed our family! :''[The other sisters berate Lincoln for cursing them]'' :'''Luna''': Oh, come on! :'''Lori''': Seriously?! :'''Lana''': Way to go, Lincoln! :'''Lily''': Bad Lincoln! :'''Lola''': Not to mention the ring is tacky. ''[lightning strikes close to where she's standing]'' Sorry, Mr. Mystic Mummy of Mystery, sir! :'''Lincoln''': Folks, I'm sorry. It was a honest mistake. Can't I just put it back? :'''Lucy''': Unfortunately, no. According to my spell book, once you put the ring on, you activated the curse. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[dismayed]'' Well, that's just great! I guess we're cursed for life for now! Check that off the old bucket list! :'''Lucy''': Not necessarily. According to this, there is one way to lift the curse. We'll be able to make an offering to the spirit of the mummy cuz we wanna make an offering to the spirit of the mummy. But we'll gather ingredients for a potion first cuz we want to gather ingredients for a potion first. :'''Rita''': I'm sorry. We do not need to have many times for that. We need to get to that barrel race. That mummy is just gonna wait. ''[tries to head back to Camperzilla, reaches for the door, but lightning strikes, knocking her back on her back]'' Okay, offering it is. <hr width="50%"> :''[After the Mummy's spirit disappears while the curse was lifted…]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[sits up]'' Folks, it worked! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chuckles]'' Well, may you look at that if you people like to look at that? The Louds conquered a very ancient curse! Go, us! :'''Rita''': ''[realizes]'' Just one problem. ''[checks her watch]'' We've only forgotten 30 minutes to get to [[w:Niagara Falls|Niagra Falls]] in time for the Barrel Day competition! We'll never make it cuz we never want to make it! ===Episode 6=== ====''Bringing Down the House'' [7.6a]==== :''[The Louds arrive in the state of [[w:Washington D.C.|Washington D.C]] to visit the [[w:White House|White House]]]'' :'''Rita''': It's amazing that Jesse got us VIP tour passes to the White House! Are you kids excited back there? :'''Lynn''': I know I am! I read that the White House has its own bowling-alley. :'''Lana''': I hear there's a whole room devoted to ice cream sundaes. :'''Lola''': I can't wait to see the dresses worn by all the First Ladies. :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm excited to take a real peek at that kitchen. I bet they have wooden spatulas dating back to the 1800s. Oh, I can just imagine all the splinters I'm gonna get! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[to the receptionist]'' Hi, there's not really, like, a dungeon here, wright, correct? :'''Receptionist''': There is. In fact, a month ago, a guy taking a tour turned on a light without permission. He spent a week down there. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bullsworth''': And that concludes our own tour. I'm surprised. I expected you to be trouble, but you were all well-behaved. Eh, too bad for me. I didn't get to let the dog out. ''[snarls at the Louds again in bulldog mode]'' Alright, please make your way to the White House exit. ''[leaves]'' :'''Lynn''': That is one strange little man. :'''Rita''': Kids, I'm sorry you didn't get the tour you hoped for, but I'm proud of you for being very good. Now, who wants to hit the hotel pool? :''[The siblings follow her, excitedly, except Lynn and the twins, who're feeling guilty for breaking the rules]'' :'''Lynn''': Wait! We can't leave. There's one little problem. ''[Flashback to her in the Presidential Bowling Room, she accidentally tosses a bowling ball so hard, it breaks the wooden floor of a bowling lane and gasps in horror]'' :'''Lana''': Actually, two little problems. ''[Flashback to her in the sundae room, she accidentally breaks off the handle of the ice cream dispenser, causing the ice cream to overflow]'' :'''Lola''': Make that three little problems? ''[chuckles sheepishly; Flashback to her in the First Ladies' Boutique, she struts all over the floor, then trips, accidentally ripping the dress's bottom half off and gasps in horror]'' :'''Rita''': ''[shocked and angry at all]'' Seriously?! I can't believe three of you! :'''Luna''': Uh, make that four. ''[Flashback to her in the Presidential Music Room, she tries to rock out with a golden guitar and accidentally snaps off one of the strings]'' :'''Lincoln''': Five. ''[Flashback to him in the President's office, he spins around in the president's swivel chair, accidentally spinning out of another whole control and hits a bust of Abraham Lincoln, trying to cause it to fall onto the ground and break into pieces, and gulps in horror]'' :'''Rita''': Kids, how could you?! Your own favorite father and I are very disappointed, aren't we, honey? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Uh… ''[sheepishly chuckles]'' Well, um… ''[Flashback to him in the kitchen, humming a tune as he plays with a spatula, then accidentally flings it into the president's birthday cake, which collapses]'' :'''Rita''': ''[sharped]'' Lynn! :'''Lynn Sr.''': You'll just enjoy plenty of times to yell at me later, Rita, before the Bulldog tries to track us down and sends us to the dungeon forever! :'''Lincoln''': He's not gonna do that cuz he doesn't wanna let us sneak back in and fix everything before he notices. ====''The Mountain Hard Pass'' [7.6b]==== :''[The Louds drive through a mountain range as they enter the state of [[w:Colorado|Colorado]]]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers while playing video games with Lana]'' You know, I'm really getting used to life on the whole road. Living with the bare essentials isn't very bad. :'''Lana''': You said it. :'''Lori''': ''[relaxing her favorite body and her on a massage chair; voice vibrating]'' RV living is literally the life for us. ''[Camperzilla suddenly comes to a halt; notices]'' Why're we stopping? :'''Rita''': Very exciting news. For my next piece in the travel series, we are going to check out the beauty of the [[w:Rocky Mountains|Rocky Mountains]] here in Colorado cuz we want to check out the beauty of the [[w:Rocky Mountains|Rocky Mountains]] here in Colorado. :''[The Loud siblings look out the window as Lori pulls the blinds and see the majestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains, all uninterested]'' :'''Lincoln''': Cool. :'''Lola''': Definitely rocky. :'''Luna''': Sweet. :'''Rita''': ''[pulls the blinds again after Lori shuts them]'' No, I meant we're going outside for an invigorating 10-mile hike! You folks love it! :''[Lana shuts the blinds this time while the siblings are all still uninterested]'' :'''Lincoln''': Nah. :'''Luna''': I'm good. :'''Lola''': You folks have fun. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[enters, wearing Lincoln's blue convincing suit, that's too tight for him; strained]'' Come on, fam. :'''Lincoln''': Hmm… Is that my convincing suit? ===Episode 7=== ====''From Brad to Worse'' [7.7a]==== :'''Rita''': ''[recognizes the dark-skinned bearded man]'' Wait, is that…? :'''Brad''': ''[turns around and recognizes Rita in surprise]'' Huh? Rita? Is that you? :'''Rita''': ''[gasps delightfully]'' Brad Plaid?! ''[runs up to him and they hug]'' :'''Brad''': Hot diggity, it ''is'' you! ''[straightens his glasses]'' And I remember these glasses are starting to monkey with me. What's a Michigander like you doing here? :'''Rita''': I'm actually writing a column about life on the road with a big family. :'''Brad''': No kidding? So you became a writer after all? I always knew you would. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Hey, honey. :'''Brad''': Howdy, sir. Do you like an autograph? ''[takes out a pen and signs his name on Lynn Sr.'s forehead]'' :'''Rita''': Oh. ''[laughs]'' This is my favorite husband, Lynn. Everyone, this is Brad. He and I remembered ourselves from Camp Can Do and we grew up. ====''Doll Day Afternoon'' [7.7b]==== :'''Luan''': I'm so stuffed, I could be a Thanksgiving turkey. ''[belches so hard, her siblings and parents are grossed out]'' :'''Luna''': ''[disgusted]'' Not cool, Luan! :'''Luan''': It wasn't me! It was Mr. Coconuts! ''[speaks for Mr. Coconuts, not realizing he's '''not''' on her hand]'' You know I can't resist the all-you-can-eat coleslaw bar. ''[looks at her hand, remembering he's not there and screams in panic, shaking Camperzilla, and freaking out the parents]'' '''''WHERE'S MR. COCONUTS?!''''' ''[lifts up the couch in panic to find him]'' :'''Luna''': All right, chill, dude. Where's the other last, final place you remember having him? :'''Luan''': ''[sets the couch down]'' At the last, final diner! I ordered a wood-fired pizza, and I'll never forget the other look he gave me here because I never care to forget the other look he gave me here. ''[enters the driver's den]'' We neec to turn back! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, jeez, sweetie, that… that diner is 50 miles in the other direction-- :'''Luan''': Dad, he's a member of the family! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[changes his mind]'' No Loud left behind! <hr width="50%"> :''[After Calvin Coconuts tells the Louds the story of how he created Mr. Coconuts, revealing that he's his true creator…]'' :'''Luan''': So all of this starts to mean… ''[gasps]'' Mr. Coconuts was never really mine. ''[takes one look at him and makes a decision]'' Calvin, I think Mr. Coconuts should stay with you. :''[The family gasps at this]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Luan, are you sure? :'''Luan''': Yes. I need to do the other wright, correct thing. ''[sniffles, trying to hold back tears]'' This is for the best. ''[Her family hugs her and she goes over to Calvin, giving him back Mr. Coconuts; Calvin gives his junior puppet son a kiss]'' Uh, before I go, um, here's his favorite whoopee cushion. And his toothbrush. And actually, I have his travel suitcase right here. ''[hands him over a whoopee cushion, Mr. Coconuts' toothbrush, and his suitcase; gives one last smile at Mr. Coconuts before returning to her family]'' Oh, here's looking at you, toots. ''[returns to being dejected and leaves]'' :''[Later that night in Camperzilla, Luan sits at the dining table, sadly looking out the window before her own favorits parents comfort her]'' :'''Rita''': I am proud of you, Luan. I know that wasn't easy. :'''Luan''': Thanks, Mom. I can't believe I'll never see Mr. Coconuts here because I never care to see Mr. Coconuts here again. I'm just gonna miss his jokes, his favorite smile, his pine-fresh scent… :''[Calvin and Mr. Coconuts suddenly pop in]'' :'''Mr. Coconuts''': Hey, what about my boyish charm? ===Episode 8=== ====''Screen Queen'' [7.8a]==== :'''Rita''': That tour will be great for my article on ''Hollywood Hot-spots.'' :'''Lori''': This was literally my fave part of the tour. ''[she shows Luan a picture on her phone of Lynn Sr. holding what looks like an umbrella, only for a mechanical shark to bite him in the bottom; She, Luna, Luan, Lucy, and Lana all laugh at their father's misfortune]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[showing the back of his trousers]'' Boy, that shark sure was ''cheeky. [smiles amusingly]'' :'''Luan''': ''[giggles]'' It must have thought you were a ''rump roast. [Luan, Luna, Lynn Sr., Rita, Lori, Lucy, and Lana laugh at Luan's joke] :'''Lola''': If anyone asks, we're not together. ====''Hide and Sneak'' [7.8b]==== :''[The Louds arrive in Great Lakes City as their final destination of their summer road trip so Rita can write her deadline for her column in the Gazette, but doesn't want the family to interact with the Casagrandes]'' :'''Rita''': Okay, kids, listen up. This is the ''last'' stop of our summer road trip and we like to enjoy the other day getting packed. ''[goes over her notepad]'' Lunch at Goddess Greens, Great Lakes City Tower, and a concert series in the park. :'''Lincoln''': Sweet! When do we need to see the Casagrandes? I can't wait for myself to tell Ronnie Anne about our favorite trips. :'''Lori''': ''[answers her phone as it starts to ring; excitedly]'' Hey, Boo-Boo Bear! Guess where I am? :'''Rita''': ''[swipes Lori's phone out of her hand]'' Literally Mount Rushmore! ''[imitates signal breaking]'' Losing reception, babe! Call you later! :'''Lori''': Mom, what was that?! :'''Rita''': Um… We do love to visit the Casagrandes. But my last travel piece for the Gazette is due tonight, and we need to hit all of these places. There's just no time to stop by. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Yeah, if we want to get everything on your Mom's list done, they can't remember we're here. We'll just visit them another time, okay, kiddos? :'''Luna''': I guess so. Plus, I don't wanna miss that concert. :'''Lola''': And I want a glamor shot from the top of the GLC Tower, looking down at all of the other little people. :'''Lori''': ''[unsure]'' I don't know, you folks. I feel weird about this. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Louds are at Goddess Greens to order some lunch]'' :'''Rita''': ''[taking notes with a tape recorder]'' Whatever you're into, Great Lakes City has it all. That is, if you have another time to do all of it. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[having trouble reading the menu; uncomfortable]'' Hon, I'm not sure I'm cool enough for this place. There's nothing on this menu but emojis. What am I supposed to order? The dinosaur or the winky face? :'''Rita''': I'm sure everything is fabulous, hon. Jesse said this was the trendiest restaurant in the city. :'''Leni''': ''[sharing a menu with Lincoln]'' Oh, it totes is. It's Carlota's fave spot. She comes here all of the other time. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[even more worried]'' What?! Why didn't you tell us? :'''Rita''': Lynn, it's fine! It's nearly impossible to get a reservation. What are the odds that Carlota got one at the same time as us? :'''Carlota''': ''[entering the restaurant with Mia] Hola!'' I like to have a ''noun rez uner'' Casagrande. ''[blows kisses to everyone as the Loud family gasp in horror and quickly hide their faces]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[whispering]'' We need to get out of here! :'''Rita''': ''[whispering]'' I didn't try the other food. I'll just do nothing to write about! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[whispering quickly]'' If Carlota sees us, you'll be writing about the other end of your friendship with the Casagrandes! <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Louds get a view of the city while visiting the Great Lakes City Tower, Carl and Sergio show up there, too, and try to block the elevator]'' :'''Carl''': ''[in his El Falcón costume while Sergio and his pigeon friends eat a pretzel]'' Ah, man! You guys got a whole pretzel?! All I nabbed was some peanuts. ''[drops the peanuts to the ground and annoyingly pretends to eat them, pigeon-style]'' :'''Lori''': ''[gasps]'' Carl, too?! They're right by the elevator! How are we just going to get out of here?! :''[Lynn spots a window cleaner exiting the platform with his supplies, walking past them; gets an idea; The Louds are all now on the platform holding on to each other a few seconds later]'' :'''Lisa''': By my rough calculations, factoring in our combined weight and this platform's capacity, I'm afraid we're… ''[gasps]'' :''[One of the ropes on the right side snaps, trying to cause it, and the Louds, to slant]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[completes the sentence]'' Maniacs. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Louds are watching a jazz band finishing their performance at the GLC park]'' :'''Luna''': ''[throws up horns to them]'' You rock! I mean, you jazz. Y-You get what I'm saying! :'''Rita''': Well, we did it. We saw everything we needed to see for my article. :'''Luan''': Ah, that's a relief. For a second there, I didn't think we'd be able to avoid the Casagrandes. :'''Lori''': ''[sees Hector and Bobby playing their duet on stage; gasps in shock]'' Is that… Hector and Bobby?! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[whispering]'' Let's move, people! :''[The Louds try to make a run for it, but they see Frida, Rosa, Carlitos, and Carlos having a tamale picnic, and make a U-turn, but also see Carl and CJ playing frisbee]'' :'''Lucy''': We're doomed. <hr width="50%"> :''[As the Louds head back to Camperzilla after escaping the park, they see Carlota approaching them on one side while on her phone, and Ronnie Anne approaching them on the opposite while riding her skateboard, and run across the street]'' :'''Lincoln''': Quick! In here! :''[The family quickly enter a building and all sigh in relief]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[seeing what the building looks like as the family have been here before]'' Why does this place look familiar? :''[They turn to look outside and see that they entered the Casagrandes apartment building]'' :'''Lori''': Uh, 'cause this is literally the Casagrandes building! :'''Lynn''': ''[groans annoyingly and pushes Lincoln]'' Great move, Stinkoln! Worth a rebellion to beeft! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rosa''': ''[entering the rooftop, and finds the Loud family]'' Louds? What're all of you doing here? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[nervously]'' Rosa! H-H-Hey! We were, uhhh... just, you know, uh, trying out Lisa's new teleportation device. ''[chuckles]'' It works! ''[to Lisa]'' Nice job, sweetie. :'''Lisa''': ''[facepalms]'' Oh, jeez. :'''Leni''': O-M-Gosh, really? I thought we were hiding from the Casagrandes. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[winces]'' Uh… :'''Rita''': ''[also winces]'' Oh. :'''Rosa''': What? ''[hurt]'' Hiding from us? I don't understand. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': We needto fix this. :'''Lincoln''': But what about your article? :'''Rita''': Some things are important, Lincoln. ''[Later that evening, inside Apartment 2A; explains to the Casagrandes about why they did what they had to do, when they hurt their feelings]'' So the whole point of not telling you was to spare your feelings, but clearly by sneaking around, we've just tried to hurt you more. :'''Rosa''': Yes, you have. You could feel honest with us, we might remember if we was born. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[tearing up]'' We tried to mess up. :'''Loud siblings''': We're sorry. :'''Rita''': Can you folks ever forgive we? :''[The Casagrandes look at themselves and smile after a smooth forgiving]'' :'''Rosa''': ''Claro que sí.'' :'''Carlota''': Obviously. :'''CJ''': Of course! :'''Carl''': Mmm… I'll just think about it. I need time to heal. ''[Rosa glares at him]'' I'm healed. :'''Rosa''': Rita, go finish your article, I don't want you to miss your deadline. But after that, maybe you can stay for dinner. :'''Rita''': We do love to. ''[she and Rosa hug and rushes off to get her laptop from Camperzilla; later typing her deadline on the roof, voice-over] '''"As our summer adventure comes to an end in Great Lakes City, I'm reminded that it's not always what you do that makes a true trip, it's the people you spend another time with."''' <hr width="50%"> :'''Carl''': Hey, isn't that your RV? ''[points down to Camperzilla being towed away as Rita and Lynn Sr. watch]'' :'''Rita''': ''[smirking]'' Well, I guess we're staying the night. :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks; comes down and sits on top of Lynn Sr's head]'' Hope you don't mind my snoring. ==Episode 9== ===''Out of Step'' [7.9a]=== :'''Lincoln''': Way to go, Clyde! ''[he and Gran Gran walk in]'' Congratulations, guys! Your dance moves are amazing! :'''Clyde''': Thanks, buddy. We call that last one, The McBride Slide. :''[he and Nana Gayle demonstrate the dance move]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but I think we have this one in the bag. I mean, who can our competition even be? ''[gasps in shock, seeing that he's competing against the one person who hates him and his friends more than anyone]'' Chandler?! :'''Nana Gayle''': You know that young man? :'''Clyde''': That's Chandler McCann. He's a bad apple. Uh-oh, they're coming over! :'''Chandler''': Hey, McBride, looks like we're facing off in the dance final. This is my grandma. :'''Gran McCann''': ''[walks up next to him]'' Hi there! Gran McCann. :'''Nana Gayle''': Hi! Nana Gayle. :'''Clyde''': ''[stopping her from shaking hands with Chandler's grandmother] NO!'' She probably has a joy buzzer, or an ink squirter, or maybe even a finger trap. :'''Gran McCann''': No, just arthritis. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, I understand why you don't trust me. I know about my grandson's reputation, but I told Chandler that I won't tolerate ''any'' funny business during this competition. :'''Chandler''': ''[nonchalantly]'' Yeah, chill out, McBride. I'm always on my best behavior when I'm with my Gran. :'''Nana Gayle''': Well, that's a relief. :'''Chandler''': What do you say, Clyde? ''[sticks out his hand, offering Clyde a handshake]'' Fair and Square. May the best team win? :'''Clyde''': ''[thinking about it]'' Hmm… Deal. <hr width="50%"> :'''Clyde''': Today was a disaster. Talk about a streak of bad luck. :'''Chandler''': ''[offscreen]'' Those McBrides are real McBozos. ''[Clyde and Nana Gayle listen to their sabotaging outside the dressing room door]'' They totally fell for that crud about us not cheating. And now all we have to do is sabotage 'em again tomorrow, and those massage chairs are all ours! ''[he and his grandmother laugh, unaware that the McBrides know now, and are both outraged]'' :'''Nana Gayle''': Those little weasels! :'''Clyde''': I ''knew'' Chandler would cheat! ''[thinks]'' Well, I guess we had no choice. We'll just have to cheat right back. <hr width="50%"> :''[Clyde turns on the big fan and the big wind blows off "Gran McCann's" wig, revealing that it was actually Trent in disguise as the audience gasp in shock]'' :'''Clyde''': Busted! That's not Chandler's grandmother. It's his old partner-in-crime, Trent. :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[flabbergasted and sharped]'' Chandler McCann, where is your actual non-child grandmother?! :'''Chandler''': ''[sighs]'' Recovering from hip surgery in Scranton. :'''Clyde''': ''[gestures to Trent]'' So you've been pretending to be Gran McCann all week? :'''Trent''': ''[guilty]'' Yeah. We just wanted the massage chairs for when we play video games. :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[crossly]'' Well, bravo to your performance, Trent, but ''boo'' to your ethics! ''[Chandler and Trent both chuckle nervously]'' SCOUNDRELS! ''[to Clyde and Nana Gayle]'' Congrats, Team McBride. You are the ''real'' winners! ''[Clyde and Nana Gayle hug happily and receive the massage chairs while the crowd cheers as Chandler and Trent watch in shock of horror]'' As for you two, ''no one'' disrespects the art of the dance on my watch! You are banned from every dance contest in Royal Woods forever! Now, exit stage left! ''[brings in the big fan and blows the two boys off the stage]'' ===''Too Cool for School'' [7.9b]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' As you can see, I'm pretty much an expert at this middle school thing. <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Ramirez''': Good morning, kids! Hope you're enjoying the cooler temperature. As Astrid Bjorklundson says… "Temperatures as cold as ice will help the children learn real nice." :'''Liam''': Who is this Bjorklundson character anyway? :'''Principal Ramirez''': She's a leading education specialist from Sweden. And she has the coolest glasses. Check her out! ''[pulls up and plays a video on her phone]'' :'''Astrid''': My patented Astrid Method has improved student performance in over fifty countries. I not only preach the Astrid Method, I practice it myself. Brr! Thanks to that icy plunge, I just got ten new ideas! ''Hej då!'' :'''Principal Ramirez''': Soon enough, you kids will be the top students in all of Southeast Michigan! I can see you're all shaking with excitement. And just a heads-up, from now on, school will start at 6:02 a.m. for mindful yoga. ''[plays another video]'' :'''Astrid''': To aid the student's aspirations, begin the day with meditations. Astrid Power Pose! :'''Principal Ramirez''': Fun, right? ''Hej då! [skates off]'' :'''Rusty''': I can't start school that early. I need two hours in the morning to deep-condition my fiery mane. <hr width="50%"> :'''Principal Ramirez''': Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush. Just got an email from Astrid's book club. She's on tour with a new advice book, '''"Are You There, Cod? It's Me Astrid."''' ''[shows Lincoln and his friends a photo of Astrid's book]'' :'''Stella''': Oh. I thought we were done with the Astrid Method. :'''Principal Ramirez''': I thought so too. But why would she write another book if her methods don't work? I'm gonna meet her and find out what's going on. :'''Clyde''': ''[shocked]'' You're meeting with Astrid?! :'''Principal Ramirez''': Of course! Her first stop is Hazeltucky, today. ''[dashes off]'' And I'm late. :'''Stella''': Oh, this is so not good. If Principal Ramirez and Astrid meet, we're more busted than Rusty's hair! :'''Lincoln''': We have to make sure they don't meet. <hr width="50%"> :''[Outside the Bookstore, Principal Ramirez is having a stern word with the Action News Team]'' :'''Stella''': We're sorry, Principal Ramirez. We shouldn't have deceived you. :'''Lincoln''': It's just that the Astrid Method was making us miserable. :'''Rusty''': Eating all that fish was cramping my style with the ladies. :'''Zach''': Yeah, it was the fish. :'''Principal Ramirez''': ''[sighs]'' Look, it's my job to make sure you're set up to succeed, and the Astrid Method guarantees that'll happen. So, we'll resume the program on Monday. :'''Lincoln''': ''[as his friends groan in disappointment]'' Dang it. :'''Astrid''': ''Nej,'' wait. Principal Ramirez, studies have shown that student happiness is crucial for success. If these children aren't happy, than that means the program isn't working. I'm going to have to rethink it. ''[to the Action News Team]'' Thank you for your honest feedback. ==Episode 10== ===''Music to My Fears'' [7.10a]=== :''[Luna is sitting in living room with her hands hidden under the pillows and looking very bummed; Sam, Mazzy, and Sully enter]'' :'''Sam''': Luna! :'''Luna''': Huh? :'''Sam''': ''[excitedly]'' The dudes from the Cherry Pit Spit just called! And guess who wanted to headline the festival! :'''Sully''': The Moon Goats! Band bleat! ''[they all bleat like goats together but Luna wasn't into it]'' :'''Mazzy''': Luna, we didn't get a bleat out of you. What's wrong? :'''Sam''': This is huge! :'''Luna''': ''[hoarsely]'' Bad news, dudes. My doc put me on shred rest and voice rest after last night's gig. ''[shows her band mates her bandaged hands, to their horror; Flashback to the Burnt Bean last night; rocking out to applause and shreds so hard while letting out a rock scream, ends up burning her own hands, looks at them and screams in pain as she let goes of her guitar; back to present]'' Doc said no shredding ''or'' rock screams for a month. :'''Sam''': ''[Caring]'' We can't play the Cherry Pit Spit without you! :'''Luna''': There's no way I'm letting you guys miss this opportunity. Sam, you can take over lead vocals, and I'm sure we can find a temporary musician to replace me. We'll just have to hold auditions ASAP. <hr width="50%"> :''[While Luna sets up fliers for a band audition at Tall Timber's Park, she meets a new female guitarist named Nina, after hearing her rocking out her solo at the pond, and finds her to be the perfect replacement]'' :'''Luna''': I hate to interrupt when you're in the zone, but as a fellow guitarist, I have to introduce myself. I'm… :'''Nina''': ''[recognizes her]'' Luna Loud?! Lead singer and guitarist of the Moon Goats?! I saw your last show! You were all… ''[imitates Luna's guitar solo]'' :'''Luna''': Well, I don't know if I did ''that…'' :'''Nina''': I'm Nina. ''[offers Luna a handshake, but realizes her bandaged hands, so they opt for an elbow bump instead]'' :'''Luna''': As you can see, um, I'm sort of out of commission, and the Moon Goats are supposed to play the Cherry Pit Spit this weekend. We're looking for a temporary guitarist. You should totally audition. ''[hands her a flier]'' :'''Nina''': ''[gasps in excitement]'' Yes! Count me in! ''[to the ducks]'' Ya hear that, my peeps? I might finally be in a band! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sam''': Luna, what is going on?! And don't say it's part of his unique creative process. :'''Luna''': ''[sighs in guilt]'' I'm sorry, dudes. This is all my fault. I know I've let you down, but I promise, I will fix it. I'm gonna do what I should've done in the first place. I just need to make a quick trip to the duck pond. :'''Sully''': Huh, I just call it the bathroom, but, hey, whatever. :''[A little later, Luna returns with Nina]'' :'''Luna''': Hey. This is Nina. She's who should've replaced me from the start. She's amazing! :'''Sam''': Are you sure? 'Cause I don't wanna be harsh, but your last pick didn't exactly go smoothly. :'''Luna''': This time you can trust me, dudes. Nina's the real deal. Check out those calluses. :''[Nina shows the Moon Goats her hands, which have the calluses of a real rockstar]'' :'''Sam, Mazzy, and Sully''': ''[amazed]'' Woah! <hr width="50%"> :'''Nina''': ''[as the crowd throw cherry pits]'' They're spitting cherry pits at us. :'''Sam''': ''[laughs]'' That means they like us! ===''Fluff and Foiled'' [7.10b]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[screaming; then to the viewers]'' You may be wondering why I'm screaming, and no, it's not because I just found out Lana's been hiding her booger stash in my room. ''[flips his mattress to reveal Lana's booger stash on the underside and gags in disgust]'' :'''Lana''': ''[from outside]'' It's not a stash! It's an exhibit celebrating all things nasal! You should be honored! :'''Lincoln''': Lana, stop listening at my door! ''[sighs; to the viewers]'' Anyway, I was practicing my ride scream. Today's the annual Udder Madness Day at Dairyland. Clyde and I never miss it. ''[takes out a map of Dairyland]'' If you can go on the ten most stomach-curdling rides before the park closes, you win an awesome prize. And this year's prize is gonna be legen-''dairy.'' :'''Luan''': ''[laughs]'' Good one, Lincoln! :'''Lincoln''': Okay, if there's anybody else at my door, please step away! As I was saying, check out this year's prize. ''[takes out a picture of a Tippy hat]'' This moo-tiful Tippy hat. It's gonna look so good with the rest of my Udder Madness collection. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Twelve separate wash and dry cycles? ''[mischievously to the viewers]'' I've got a better idea. ==Episode 11== ===''Leave No Van Behind'' [7.11a]=== :'''Luna''': Of all the places for Vanzilla to bite the dust. Dudes, I didn't think we'd get out of there. ''[Flashback to a car wash, earlier; the machines have gotten inside Vanzilla, brushing and water-spraying the Louds, and completely covering them in soap; back to the present, traumatized]'' That was a long seven hours. :''[Lincoln belches out some soap from his mouth]'' ===''Sponsor Tripped'' [7.11b]=== :'''Lynn''': ''[after Andre trips and falls from the bleachers]'' You okay, Andre? :'''Andre''': No worries. The buns broke my fall. Anyhow, great game! I've been watching you play ''all'' season, and I can tell you have star power. Which is why, on behalf of the Burpin' Burger, I like to offer you a sponsorship! If you promote our fine establishment and wear our logo, you'll be a BB VIP! ''[Lynn reacts in confusion]'' Uh, it means you'll get free burgers. :'''Lynn''': In that case, count me in! :'''Andre''': Stop by the restaurant later to get a taste of the VIP treatment. :'''Coach Keck''': ''[approaches him, covered in mustard]'' I believe this gherkin is yours, ''and'' this mustard. :''[Later at the Burpin' Burger; Lynn and her friends are about to dig in on a pile of free burgers and curly fries]'' :'''Lynn''': Ha, ha! Enough for everyone! :'''Margo''': Yeah! :'''Maddie''': Sponsorship rules! :'''Carla''': ''[pressing up against her chest]'' I have heartburn… in the best way! :'''Paula''': ''[to Lynn]'' You're very lucky. I wish I could eat here for free anytime I wanted to. :'''Lynn''': Maybe you ''can'' eat here for free. I mean, you're all star players, too. :'''Andre''': Here's your free VIP cookie dough milkshake, with extra chocolate and caramel sauce. ''[adds the sauce to Lynn's milkshake]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[licks her milkshake and suddenly burps out fire]'' That's spicy mustard. :'''Andre''': I really must label these. <hr width="50%"> :'''Carla''': ''[slides onto the grass as Tippy gives her the microphone after scoring a goal]'' After an ''udder''-ly amazing game like this, I'm going to Dairyland! <hr width="50%"> :'''Zach''': ''[interviewing Paula]'' You really played your heart out today. Any words for the Action News audience? :'''Paula''': ''[speaks into the microphone and to the camera]'' Head to Duds for Dudes, where satisfaction is guaranteed! 'Cause they know what a dude wants, and what a dude needs! <hr width="50%"> :''[While Lynn, Margo, and Maddie are stretching out their bodies, preparing for the championship…]'' :'''Coach Keck''': ''[scrubbing herself with a loofah, still purple]'' Okay, folks, circle up. For anyone keeping count, this is my ninth loofah and I'm still purple, which is unfortunate because this game is televised and my mom's in the stands. :'''Coach Keck's Mom''': Whoo-hoo-hoo! That purple gal's my daughter! Whoo-hoo-hoo! :'''Coach Keck''': So, do me a favor and save me any further embarrassment by playing your hearts out and winning this championship! :'''Andre''': ''[approaches Lynn, for the first time not wearing the burger costume, but rather carrying it]'' Lynn! Good luck out there. I brought you the Burpin' Burger suit to wear during the big game. ''[plops the burger costume on her]'' :'''Lynn''': Seriously?! But I'm already wearing the logo. :'''Andre''': The logo's fine for regular games, but this is the championship game, which starts tp mean more eyes are on you, which starts to mean it's a huge PR opportunity for the Burpin' Burger. So if you wanna keep those perks, you'll just wear the buns. It's in your contract. <hr width="50%"> :''[Lynn and her friends enter the locker room during half-time]'' :'''Lynn''': Okay, team, huddle up. This isn't working. I love the sponsorship perks, but they're not worth this humiliation! ''[takes a gherkin off her head]'' :''[Margo, Maddie, and Carla agree]'' :'''Paula''': ''[agreeing]'' Here, here. :'''Andre''': ''[showing up with the other sponsors]'' Hey, Kangaroos. We got some more merch for you to wear on the second half. :'''Lynn''': Sorry, but we're out. :'''Paula''': We were obsessed by all the free stuff, but we're ready to get back to what's ''really'' important. :'''Margo''': Playing like champions! ==Episode 12== ===''Party Fowl'' [7.12a]=== :''[The Casagrandes' mercado van pulls up in front of the Loud House and Rosa and Carl hop out, preparing to drop off Sergio and preventing him from ruining another one of Carlos' lectures]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[in his birdcage; squawks]'' This is embarrassing! I don't need a babysitter! I'm a big bird! :'''Rosa''': A big bird who gets into big trouble. I'm sorry, but we can't take you to Carlos' lecture today and have you behave like you did at the last one. :''[Flashback to Carlos' previous lecture]'' :'''Carlos''': And now, a rare Mesoamerican bowl that dates back to 1519. It's the only one of its kind left in the world. :''[The curtains pull back, revealing Sergio bathing in the bowl]'' :'''Sergio''': A little privacy, please?! :'''Carlos''': ''[gasps in shock]'' Sergio, what are you doing?! Shoo! ''[Sergio flies out of the auditorium, causing the bowl to wobble and splash water and soap into his face]'' AH! Soap in my eye! ''[accidentally knocks over the bowl and gasps]'' :''[Back to the present]'' :'''Carl''': ''[laughing about the incident before Rosa glares at him as they walk up to the front door]'' What? It was funny when Dad started crying. ''[Rosa continues glaring at him]'' Uh, I mean, shame on you, Sergio! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[opens the door; happily]'' Rosa, Carl, Sergio! Please, come in! :'''Rosa''': ''Gracias,'' and thank you for watching Sergio tonight. :'''Rita''': Oh, it's our pleasure. :'''Carl''': ''[sees Lola sitting on the sofa]'' Lola! My favorite Loud. Is that a new crown? It really brings out… :'''Lola''': ''[cutting him off]'' Cut to the chase, Casagrande. :'''Carl''': ''[groans]'' My dad's lectures are dullsville, and I can't sit through another if Sergio isn't gonna be there to wreck it. :'''Lola''': Hmm. Sounds like a you problem… ''[Carl offers her some cash]'' that, I might be able to help with. :'''Rosa''': ''[firmly]'' Okay, Sergio, you'd better be on your best behavior with the Louds. If you pull any of your usual stunts, I'm sending you to bird boot camp. ''[Sergio gulps and whimpers worriedly; later, back in the van, waves goodbye]'' Thanks again! We'll pick him up tomorrow morning. ''[drives off as Rita, holding Sergio in his cage, and Lynn Sr. wave farewell… only to come to a stop and come back, holding out Lola, disguised as Carl]'' Nice try, Lola. Carl would never call the van seats "tacky." He doesn't even know what that means. :'''Lola''': Carl, it didn't work! :'''Carl''': ''[comes out, disguised as Lola]'' Worth a shot. ''[as they walk up to each other, he demands her a refund]'' :'''Lola''': Sorry. No refunds or exchanges. :''[Carl grumbles annoyingly, takes off his Lola getup and gives it back to her as she heads back into the house]'' :'''Rita''': Hey, Sergio. ''[lets him out of his cage]'' The other pets are waiting for you out by Charles' doghouse. :''[Sergio heads to the backyard where Charles, Cliff, Walt and Geo are hanging out just by the doghouse]'' :'''Sergio''': ''[squawks]'' Sergio has arrived! So, what's the plan? What are we doing for fun today? ''[the Loud pets take out some playing cards and play a game of Old Maid]'' Ugh, Old Maid? ''[squawks]'' You call that fun? Ugh, no thank you. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': See you on the flip side! I've got a party to get to! ''[the Loud pets are thrilled with excitement and ask if they could come too]'' Oh, you want to come. Oh, me and my big beak. ''[sees the pets all giving him pleading puppy eyes as if they still want to come]'' I mean, of course you can come. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[spots the Loud pets sleeping in the sofa through the living room window after failing to open it; knocks to get their attention]'' Psst! Open up and let me in! ''[smiles while giving them a thumbs-up; the pets wake up, see him, and yawn before Walt turns off the lights and go back to sleep; gasps]'' Is this about the party not being at the big fountain downtown? It was a joke! Can't you take a joke? ''[the pets blow raspberries at him in jealousy and resume sleeping; now annoyed]'' Fine. Don't need you guys anyway. I'll find my own way in. You'll see! Sergio is unstoppable! ''[goes to the backyard and tries to ram his way through the doggy door, but it turns out to be sealed on the other side with wooden planks]'' I'm gonna have to use my brain and not my brawn. ''[flies up to the window of Lori and Leni's bedroom and knocks to get Leni's attention]'' Leni, you're dreaming. I'm Dream Sergio. Open the window. ''[Leni shrugs, gets out of bed, but walks to the closet instead and opens it, and collapses on the floor resuming to sleep; gets an idea and goes on top of the roof]'' Down the chimney like old St. Nick. ''[dives into the chimney and struggles to squeeze his body in, then crashes from the fireplace and into the living room, covered in soot; to the Loud pets as they glare at him in irritation]'' Ah! Told you I was unstoppable! ''[spins to get the soot off him and coughs; the Loud pets storm off into the kitchen, all fed up with his selfishness; groans]'' I get it. You're still mad about the party. ''[follows them as Cliff removes the planks from the blocked doggy door, for when they've been deceived]'' Let's talk about it like grown animals. ''[the pets exit through the doggy door, still ignoring him and not wanting to be bothered by the likes of him; groans again, grumpily]'' Real mature, guys! <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[flies into the garage, and kicks out some pigeons who're playing a drumset]'' Shoo! Shoo, you annoying creatures! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[enters the garage; groggy]'' Sergio? What are you and all these pigeons doing in the garage? :'''Sergio''': ''[nervously]'' I… uh… I'm Dream Sergio. You're just dreaming of all these birds. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, okay. That makes sense. ''[Sergio sends him back to bed]'' Good night, Dream Sergio. <hr width="50%"> :'''Sergio''': ''[worried]'' I'm doomed! The Louds are gonna wake up, see this mess, and rat me out to Rosa! I'm going to bird boot camp for sure! ''[sees the Loud pets laughing at his misfortune and approaches them]'' Just the pets I wanted to see! Can you help me get rid of these pigeons? You're kind of my last hope. ''[the pets scoff in denial and go into Charles' doghouse, still jealous of his selfishness]'' I deserve that. ''[forcefully apologizes]'' Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't very nice to you (since I showed up) today. ''[the pets peek their heads out, cautiously]'' I should have been cool with what you wanted to do. ''[the pets gesture him to keep going]'' And I shouldn't have lied about the party. ''[another gesture]'' And I shouldn't have been so insulting. ''[one more gesture]'' And I'm sorry for being a big-beaked jerk. ''[sadly turns away, accepting the error of his ways; the pets look at each other and decided to forgive him by offering him a hug; touched]'' Oh, thank goodness. ''[joins the hug]'' Boy, you really made me work for it. ''[breaks out of the hug]'' Okay, so how are we gonna get rid of these featherbrains? <hr width="50%"> :''[After Sergio and the Loud pets have reconciled and work together to build an animatronic red-tailed hawk to get Sancho and the pigeons out of the Loud House without waking up the Louds…]'' :'''Sergio''': That was amazing! I had you guys all wrong. You're totally cool, not mention, very clever. Mind if I hang till the fam gets back? ''[The pets look at each other and nod in agreement; Next morning, they're all playing a game of Old Maid in Charles' doghouse]'' Ooh, a match! :'''Rosa''': Oh, Sergio! The Louds tell me you were the perfect houseguest. :'''Sergio''': What can I say? It's easy when you're hanging with friends. :'''Rosa''': Well, I'm very proud of you. Now, come on. It's time to go. :'''Sergio''': Aw, five more minutes? I'm about to win at Old Maid! :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[off-screen]'' Rita, why is the basement covered in pigeon poop?! :'''Sergio''': ''[panicking as Rosa glares grumpily at him, realizing what he's really been up to]'' Gotta go! ''[flies off as Rosa storms off after him, while the Loud pets laugh and the iris closes in on them]'' ===''Sleepless in Royal Woods'' [7.12b]=== :'''Rita''': ''[heavily sleep-deprived; tired]'' Lily, are you tired, yet? It's going on 3:00 AM, sweetie. :'''Lily''': Woo! Da-da! :'''Rita''': ''[tired]'' It's okay, it's not your fault. It's your dad's. ''[sighs]'' That is the last time he gives you a chocolate-covered espresso bean for dessert. ''[imitating her husband]'' "Uh, I thought it was raisin." <hr width="50%"> :'''Officer Shirley''': ''[picks up the phone as it rings while having her cup of coffee]'' Officer Shirley, what is your emergency? :'''Rita''': ''[frantically]'' I just saw a toddler--okay, no, wait, my toddler and I just saw a burglar running out of Jean Juan's. ''[while Officer Shirley starts writing notes]'' He was a small man or a medium-sized teen. We couldn't see the face. It's dark out, and I'm tired, so my vision is a little blurry. :'''Officer Shirley''': Ma'am, could you slow down? :'''Rita''': But he was definitely stealing food, the fromage con queso, or maybe the churro baguettes. Oh. Oh, that sounds so good right now. ''[dozes off, but her head hits the steering wheel and accidentally honks it, snapping her awake]'' Ah! ''[accidentally drops her phone]'' Oh, hang on. I dropped my phone. Oh, here it is! Are you still there? :'''Officer Shirley''': What are you and your kid doing out at 4:00 AM? :'''Rita''': Okay, well, my husband gave her an espresso bean, and now she's wide awake. ''[to Lily as she tries to break free of the seat belt while gnawing on it at the moment]'' Sweetie, do you have to pee? :''[Lily shakes her head no]'' :'''Officer Shirley''': ''[thinking that Rita means her]'' No, I just went. Listen, hon, you're not the first tired mom to call in a little confused. Last night, we had a lady mistaking a possum for a werewolf. ''[chuckles]'' Why don't you go home and get some rest? ''[hangs up]'' :'''Rita''': Ugh! Can you believe her? ''[tired]'' I am not just some tired... confused mom... :'''Lily''': Rude! :'''Rita''': You know what, Lily? I say we do some investigating of our own. We track down the thief, we get some evidence, and then we call that officer back and say, "Who's confused now?" :'''Lily''': Yeah, yeah! This is exciting! We show her! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita & Lily''': ''[stunned to see the thief is revealed to be…]'' Mrs. Bernardo?! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Well, normally, this is where you clap, but I'll accept stunned silence. ''[bows]'' :'''Rita''': ''You're'' the thief?! Wait, what is going on?! Is this a dream?! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Apologies for scaring you. I'm just training for an audition to play a thief, a crook, a desperado of the night! When I saw you were following me, I decided to roll with it, as they say. ''[scoffs]'' Of course, I wasn't going to harm you. :'''Rita''': You did all of this to prepare for an audition?! We submerged ourselves in cheese! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': ''[claps]'' Bravo to that! What an excellent improv. :'''Lily''': But what about all the-- ''[yawns]'' stuff you stole? :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Oh, stinky child. I'm going to put everything back. Thespian's honor. I have done this many times.'' :'''Rita''': Well, this has been one crazy evening, but I suppose I'm partly to blame. I never should have dragged my child along while trying to play detective. Lily, sweetie, I owe you an apology-- ''[sees Lily now sleeping on one of the benches]'' Wow. ''[picks her up]'' Look at that. I guess chasing you around all night finally put her to sleep. ==Episode 13== ===''Hunn-cut Gems'' [7.13a]=== :'''Liam''': ''[enters the Action News Team's newsroom; disappointed]'' Hey, y'all. ''[walks over the desk where Lincoln and Clyde are sitting]'' I'm sorry that yesterday's segment weren't all that and a bunch of oats. :'''Rusty''': It's okay, dawg. We can't ''all'' have this kind of charisma. Uhh, another dizzy spell. ''[twirls around and faints]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Liam''': Are you all right, Mee-Maw? :'''Mee-Maw''': ''[shivering, still shaken up by the experience]'' What the heck happened? :'''Liam''': Ugh, I was tryin' to shoot another segment for the show, but things got a little outta control. :'''Mee-Maw''': ''[angrily]'' Well, I was almost a goner there, and you'll be doin' extra chores for two years! ''[Liam looks down in shame; then smiles at him]'' But I guess you got yourself one heck of a segment. ===''Can't Lynn Them All'' [7.13b]=== :'''Lynn''': ''[wearing a wrestling outfit with spikes everywhere; weakly]'' Too spiky. ''[now wearing a fairy costume]'' Not gonna happen. ''[now dressed as a clown]'' No way. ''[now wearing Lincoln's own clothes]'' Who wears this here? ''[gets back in her own usual clothes]'' Look, folks, this isn't working. None of those feel, I don't know, authentic. :'''Leni''': Hmm. Maybe we need to dig a little deeper. Like, my fave wrestler, Pixie Cuts, used to be an actual hairstylist. Her favorite character feels supes authentic. :'''Lincoln''': Yeah. What's Lynn Loud really passionate about? <hr width="50%"> :''[Royal Woods Middle School; Lynn is driving around the hallways in her golf cart and all of the students shoot spitballs at her, causing her to lose control and crash into the lockers]'' :'''Lynn''': ''[as Meryl approaches her; weakly]'' Little help here, Meryl? :'''Meryl''': ''[disgusted]'' For the Brawl Monitor? No way! ''[shoots more spitballs at her and leaves]'' :'''Lynn''': Wow. Even Meryl hates me? ==Episode 14== ===''Bye, Tanya'' [7.14a]=== :''[Reininger's department store in the Royal Woods Mall; Fiona and Miguel are preparing unmotivated for the morning run when Leni enters]'' :'''Leni''': ''[cheerfully holding a pink box of muffins; off-screen]'' Morning, fam! :'''Miguel''': ''[over intercom] Attention, everyone! It's manager extraordinaire and fashion icon, Leni Loud! She dazzles in a chique-!'' :'''Fiona''': ''[cutting him off]'' Like I said yesterday, it's too early for this, Miguel. :'''Leni''': Look what I brought! ''[opens the box, revealing four decorated muffins]'' Ta-da! :'''Fiona & Miguel''': Ooooh! :'''Leni''': They're Fuffins. ''[Fiona and Miguel both react confusingly]'' Like, muffins, but fun. :'''Miguel & Fiona''': Ooooh! :'''Leni''': ''[hands each of her friends a muffin; walks over to Tanya with a happy gasp]'' Hi, Tanya! ''[hands her a muffin]'' I can't wait to hear about your date with Bradley from the sports department! ''[cut to Bradley, another mannequin dressed in tennis gear; gasps]'' Ooooh! It was a tennis date? LOVE that for you! :'''Fiona''': ''[eating her muffin; delighted]'' Leni, you are the best! :'''Ms. Carmichael''': ''[walks in]'' Couldn't have said it better myself, Fiona! ''[takes Miguel's muffin and takes a bite]'' I just love my Reninger's family. ''[chuckles, then more serious]'' Sometimes more than my own. ''[eats the rest of Miguel's muffin after a pause]'' Alright, team! Time for pre-opening announcements. First things first, I want to freshen up the store, so, get ready for some big changes around here. :'''Miguel''': ''[gasps]'' Are we finally addressing the employee breakroom smell? I have some theories. ''[takes out his notepad and flicks through]'' :'''Ms. Carmichael''': ''[bluntly]'' No. :'''Miguel''': ''[closes his notepad and takes out a recorder; suspicious]'' Suspect #2 suspiciously changes the subject. Will monitor. :'''Ms. Carmichael''': I want to start with the mannequins. The store's current stock are… ''[takes hold of a nearby mannequin's arm, which breaks off, its head immediately falls to the ground, as a swarm of spiders scuttle out; the rest of the mannequin collapses]'' Well, that just about says it all. I think it's time we retire them. :''[Miguel and Fiona gasp and groan in apprehension; then cut to Leni, who doesn't understand]'' :'''Leni''': ''[squeals in delight; excitedly]'' Tanya is going to '''''LOVE''''' retirement!! ''[hugs Tanya cheerfully]'' She TOTES deserves it! Oh, I hope she goes to Florida! I can visit her on my spring break! :'''Fiona''': Leni, I think Ms. Carmichael meant that she is getting ''rid'' of the old mannequins, ''including'' Tanya. :'''Leni''': ''[gasps in horror and clutches her mannequin friend]'' You can't just get rid of her! Sure, she's a little quiet and sometimes her limbs fall off. ''[Tanya's head dislodges, readjusts it]'' But she's my friend! :'''Ms. Carmichael''': Sorry, Leni. I know you've formed an attachment, but it's just a mannequin. ''[her phone rings]'' Well, the movers are here to take away the old mannequins right now. ''[walks away]'' :'''Fiona''': I'm sorry, Leni. ''[walks over to her for comfort]'' Hey, maybe you'll meet a new Tanya. :'''Leni''': I don't ''want'' a new Tanya! I ''have'' a Tanya! We have to save her! It's like, Miguel, imagine if Ms. C. wanted to throw away your favorite Italian leather belt. :'''Miguel''': ''[gasps in horror]'' Beltissimo!? Over my dead-but-still-very-moisturized body! Okay, I am in! ''[holds out his hand]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[rolls her eyes, lightly]'' Eh, why not? ''[adds her hand]'' :'''Leni, Miguel & Fiona''': Save Tanya! <hr width="50%"> :''[As Leni, Fiona, and Miguel hide in the recycling room…]'' :'''Fiona''': ''[takes her phone out of her pocket as it rings and gasps to see who's calling]'' It's Ms. Carmichael! I'll just call her back later! :'''Miguel''': ''[takes his phone out of his pocket, shocked to see that Ms. Carmichael is also trying to call him]'' Sorry, Ms. C! Turn off phone. ''[turns off his phone]'' Watch out, Leni. She's probably gonna-- :'''Leni''': ''[answers her phone]'' Hello? Oh, hi, Ms. Carmichael! ''[gasps in horror]'' Ms. Carmichael?! :'''Ms. Carmichael''': Leni, where are the three of you?! The post-lunch rush is about to start! :'''Leni''': ''[sighs]'' M-Ms. C, I can explain. See, we left the store to rescue Tanya and bring her back. :'''Ms. Carmichael''': ''[disbelieved]'' Rescue Tanya? Tanya the mannequin? Wha… Listen, if the three of you are not back at this store ASAP, you will ''all'' be fired! :'''Leni''': ''[firmly]'' Don't be mad at Miguel and Fiona, this was all my idea. But you said it yourself: we're a family at Reininger's. And nowhere does it say that mannequins are excluded. Tanya's like the sister I never had. :'''Fiona''': Uh, Leni? You have ''nine'' sisters. :'''Leni''': ''[annoyed]'' You know what I mean. ''[to Ms. Carmichael]'' Fire me if you have to, but I have to save my friend. ''[hangs up and sadly groans]'' You guys need to go back. You can't lose your jobs because of me. :'''Fiona''': ''[hugs Leni]'' As if! :'''Miguel''': ''[joins them]'' Yeah! No mannequin left behind! ===''What Lies Beneath'' [7.14b]=== :''[The Morticians are all helping Hank with his groundskeeping duties at the cemetery]'' :'''Hank''': ''[trimming a grim reaper-shaped hedge]'' Thanks for your help with all my groundskeeping duties, kids! Now, don't forget, make sure each and every resident gets some TLC. :'''Lucy''': ''[cleaning a gravestone as Haiku sets down a pair of orange chrysanthemums in front of one]'' Haiku, Caroline doesn't like mums. She's a lilac girl. :'''Haiku''': Thank you, Lucy. ''[switches the orange mums for lilac flowers]'' I almost made a ''grave'' mistake. ''[she and Lucy both laugh monotonously]'' :'''Dante''': ''[driving around on a tractor mower]'' Hang on, Virgil! I'm gonna pop the wheelie! ''[speed pasts Morpheus]'' :'''Morpheus''': ''[annoyed]'' Stop hogging the mower, Dante! Gah, worst sharer ever! ''[groans after Dante drives past him again, blowing grass blades at him]'' :'''Boris''': ''[playing his keyboard]'' Boris is jamming on the keys. Any requests from the dead? ''[suddenly trips on a headstone and ends up getting four keys in his mouth like teeth]'' :'''Bertrand''': Are you okay, Boris? :'''Boris''': ''[gets up on his own feet and spits out the keys]'' Boris may just live, sadly. ''[glances down at the mysterious "unknown" headstone]'' Oh, I've never noticed that headstone before. :'''Persephone''': Hmm, neither have I. Hank, who's "Unknown"? :'''Hank''': You got me. I know every inch of this graveyard and I don't remember that grave being here. :'''Dante''': ''[gulps nervously, knowing he was the one who placed it there before]'' Well, people do kick the bucket all the time, so... :'''Haiku''': How tragic that someone must pass and remain nameless for eternity. :'''Lucy''': As the Morticians Club, it's our duty to right such ghastly wrongs. I say we hold a séance to find out who rests here, then replace this headstone with one with their name. :'''Dante''': ''[nervously rushes in front of the headstone]'' No! I don't think we must disturb their own eternal slumber. You know how hard it is to go back to sleep before somebody wakes you up. :'''Lucy''': A valid point, Dante. :''[Dante smiles and sighs in relief]'' :'''Boris''': Boris can play him some nice, soothing bedtime music. ''[plays a daunting tune on his keyboard, making Dante facepalm and groan in despair]'' :'''Lucy''': Great idea, Boris. All of those in a worse favor? ''[the other members, except Dante, raise their hands and agree]'' Let the record show that the motion passes with much enthusiasm. <hr width="50%"> :'''Bertrand''': The spirit is within Dante! Please, tell us your name so we may try to honor you with a new gravestone. :'''Dante''': ''[feigning a ghostly spirit]'' My name is… ''[blinks and notices an urn on a statue nearby]'' Urn-- ''[then notices a goblin statue's knee]'' Knee-- ''[then notices a shovel Hank is using to dig up dirt over a another grave]'' Shovel-- ''[then finally notices the cemetery's gate]'' Gate. Ernie Shovelgate. It's nice of you kids to want to get me a new headstone. But, don't go to all that trouble. I'm really shy, so "Unknown" totally works for me. Okay, well, I got to get back to the other side. ''[shakes himself and pretends to pass out as the smoke clears; then sits up, acting normal]'' Wow, I guess Ernie doesn't want a new headstone. Bummer, but what can you do? ''[realizes]'' That's a rhetorical question. :'''Haiku''': You know, whenever it's my favorite mother's birthday, she says "Don't go to all of that trouble", which means, "You'd better go to all that trouble." :'''Lucy''': That's a good point, Haiku. What if Ernie's just being modest? I say we buy him the headstone anyway. After he sees it, I'll bet he rolls over in his grave...in a happy way. <hr width="50%"> :''[The Morticians arrive the Cheaper Reaper store to buy a new headstone]'' :'''Lucy''': ''[pushing a shopping cart]'' Okay, everyone, I know the Cheaper Reaper is a veritable wonderland of bereavement in bulk, but we need to remain focused. Persephone, do you have the club money? :'''Persephone''': I do. ''[takes out her purse]'' And thanks to our embalming fundraiser last weekend, it looks like we have enough to buy Ernie a most splendid tribute. :'''Dante''': ''[to Virgil]'' Whatever we do, we cannot let them leave here with the headstone! ''[Virgil tries to point up to a sign that reads…]'' '''"You break it, you buy it."''' ''[gasps]'' Virgil, that's it! You're one smart cemetery cat. <hr width="50%"> :''[As Dante pushes the "unknown" headstone away and heaves the bag out the ground…]'' :'''Haiku''': ''[off-screen]'' What are you doing? :''[Dante reacts in surprise, accidentally launching the bag into the air and it lands in front of the other Morticians, and they all gasp to see what was inside]'' :'''Persephone''': It's not Ernie Shovelgate. :'''Bertrand''': It's… :'''Morpheus''': Auntie Pam?! :'''Lucy''': Gasp. :''[Lightning flashes and Boris plays a note on his keyboard; Inside the bag, was revealed to be three tubs of Auntie Pam's ice cream and an ice cooler]'' :'''Bertrand''': You buried Auntie Pam's ice cream? :''[Dante groans in despair]'' :'''Lucy''': So, Ernie wasn't real? :''[Dante sadly shakes his head in rejection, realizing his secret is exposed]'' :'''Persephone''': But why, Dante? Why did you deceive us? :'''Dante''': ''[glances down at Virgil; then confesses]'' Because… Because I want to hide my ice cream so none of you can have any. It's ''cookies and scream,'' my all-time favorite. :'''Morpheus''': Ugh. It's the riding lawnmower over again. I've said it before and I'll just say it once more: Worst sharer ever. :''[The other Morticians agree in disappointment over how Dante deceived them]'' :'''Lucy''': Sad but true. :'''Dante''': ''[upset]'' Sigh. I know. I'm really sorry. But, I'll just feel better, I swear. As a matter of fact… ''[lifts up one of the ice cream tub and inhales]'' Uh… Who wants some… ''[suddenly snatches it back, growling evilly in selfishness; then inhales deeply]'' You can do it, Dante. Who wants some of my ice cream? ==Episode 15== ===''An Inspector Falls'' [7.15a]=== :''[Royal Woods High School; The Drama Club is waiting for Mrs. Bernardo]'' :'''Luan''': ''[groans impatiently]'' Where is Mrs. Bernardo? The cast list for "The Case of the Missing Corgi" should be up by now. :'''Amy''': Mm, I can't wait to find out who gets to play the lead, Detective Agatha Mystery. :''[Luan and her friends smile at what Amy said. Mrs. Bernardo appears as they get excited.]'' :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Fellow thespians, it is I! Now without further ado, ''[Lights come on and spotlight focuses on her; gets out a pen]'' the cast list! ''[Chuckles while throwing a pen, which spins and lands on the bulletin board, which it flips over and shows the cast list. Drama Club gasps in delight, then run to the list, and don't see cleaner Ed who is cleaning the lockers with paint. He sees Drama Club running past him. Amy knocks over The paint as it spills on his uniform.]'' :'''Amy''': ''[Comes back]'' Sorry, Ed! ''[Goes to the board]'' :'''Ed''': Oh! This is my favorite suede uniform! Oh! :''[Drama Club fights with each other upon reaching the board. They come to a stop with lots of people on top of each other. Luan gets up and sees the list.]'' :'''Luan''': ''[Happily]'' Oh my gosh! I'm Agatha Mystery! <hr width="50%"> :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': So, Luan, our brilliant detective, did you crack the case, yet? :'''Luan''': The trail went a little cold, but don't worry, I'm gonna figure it out! :'''Rex''': ''[approaching to Amy while running up to the stage]'' Hey, Amy. Ready to go? ''[holds out his hand]'' Let me take your bag. :'''Amy''': ''[notices a red mark on his hand]'' Rex, what happened to your hand? ''[takes a close look at it]'' It looks like… rope burns? :'''Rex''': What? No. I… I… uh… scraped my hands in pottery class. :'''Amy''': Our school doesn't offer pottery. ''[realizes]'' Wait a minute. ''You'' cut the rope! :''[Mrs. Bernardo, Benny, and Luan all gasp in shock]'' :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': What a twist! :'''Rex''': ''[guilty]'' I'm sorry, Amy. But ever since you got cast as Gertrude, you haven't had any time to hang out with me. I just thought if I scared you, you'd quit the play. :'''Amy''': ''[disgusted]'' Super selfish, Rex. You and I are through. :'''Rex''': ''[leaves the stage, tearfully]'' Oh, no! :'''Mrs. Bernardo''': Well done, Amy! I had no idea you had such stellar investigative skills! <hr width="50%"> :'''Audience Member''': ''[surprised when Luan tosses Amy an umbrella and she catches it, left-handed]'' She's a lefty? I did not see that one coming. ===''One in a Million'' [7.15b]=== :'''Flip''': ''[laughs]'' You need to get up so early in the morning to fool ole Flip. Nacho here overheard you dunderheads talking in the parking lot and clued me in. So while you think you were going to feel so busy tearing yourselves apart, everyone knows I moved all of the merchandise out this morning. Call it a "restocking day." Oh, there's one thing left. :'''Chandler''': ''[gasps and sees a dusty bag of Flipeos]'' Flipeos? That's it?! ''[blows the dust off, getting some of it on Flip's face]'' :'''Flip''': Be careful eating 'em. ''[Chandler opens the bag and a stink cloud emerges, making his hair all fuzzy]'' They're older than you are. :'''Chandler''': ''[throws the bag on the ground; enraged]'' This is so unfair! ''I'm'' the one who cheats people! You stink, Flip, and that's coming from someone whose dad works in the sewer! ''[storms out of the store]'' :'''Flip''': ''[picks up the Flipeo bag and eats one]'' Eh, it's not bad. :''[Lincoln and Clyde wince as Chandler angrily leaves the store, slamming the door shut]'' :'''Lincoln''': Well, we may not lose if we lose, but we ''did'' see Chandler lose earlier. :'''Clyde''': Small comfort in a cruel world. :''[Lincoln sighs as he and Clyde head for the door]'' :'''Flip''': ''[blocking their way, halting them]'' And where do you two bozos think you're going? I suppose I may say thank you. While you are trying to get to one-million, you actually gave me the best day of business I ever had. And that includes the time the supermarket down the street flooded. ''[whispers to the other boys]'' Suspiciously. ''[winks]'' I think that deserves a reward. ==Episode 16== ===''Dread of the Class'' [7.16a]=== :''[Luan is holding a graduation ceremony for her pranking academy in the backyard where Lincoln and Benny are applauding for Ronnie Anne]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' That's right. Ronnie Anne is about to get her pranking PHD, which is cool, but I'm just excited my buddy's in town, and we get to hang out. Plus, Dad made the appetizers, like mac 'n' cheese bites. ''[brings in a cart of appetizers and eats a mac 'n' cheese bite, then ends up spitting it out]'' Which of course, Luan filled with octopus ink. Real nice. :'''Luan''': Benny, you may be stalled at level one whoopee cushion, but someday, if you work hard, you'll graduate too. :'''Benny''': Aw, thanks, Luan. Until then, I'll just keep pouring my savings into this class. :'''Luan''': Ronnie Anne, please accept this diploma. :''[Mr. Coconuts gives Ronnie Anne her diploma as Benny applauds while shedding tears]'' :'''Lincoln''': Woo-hoo! Yeah, Ronnie Anne! :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[throwing her graduation cap in the air]'' I'd like to thank my brother, Bobby, for being the main target of my homework assignment. ''[suddenly notices that the printing on her diploma is starting to fade]'' Uh, what's happening?! :'''Luan''': Ha, ha! Disappearing ink! You haven't graduated yet. There is a final test you must complete, and this test is the hardest. ''[laughs evilly]'' :'''Benny''': I did not see this coming! ''[eats a piece of chocolate cake, which then burns him as he screams]'' AH! Or that ghost pepper! Classic Luan. :'''Luan''': Ronnie Anne, you must prank the master: ''me.'' And it must be done before sundown, so tick-tock. Remember your mantra: Work with what you've got. ''[throws a fart bomb and disappears as Ronnie Anne coughs]'' :'''Ronnie Anne''': Fart cloud! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Uh, what are you doing? :'''Ronnie Anne''': Prank meditating. It helps me focus. I need to think of something I haven't tried yet. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln & Ronnie Anne''': ''[shocked after Benny removes his Luan costume]'' Benny?! :'''Benny''': Sorry, guys. Luan promise me half-off to wishing if I helped her. That class isn't cheap. :'''Lincoln''': Your Luan was incredible. :'''Benny''': Thanks. ''[impersonating Luan's voice]'' Voice mimicry is the only "A" I've gotten. :'''Ronnie Anne''': ''[groans]'' So where's Luan, now?! :''[They see Luan in the distance, laughing evilly, and she then bikes away]'' :'''Lincoln''': That was unnerving. :'''Ronnie Anne''': We can't let her get away, or we'll never prank her in time! There's only 23 minutes until sunset! :'''Benny''': Learning to tell time by the sun is also part of-- :'''Lincoln''': Of the class. I get it. ===''Welcome to the Doll Heist'' [7.16b]=== :''[Lily and her friend, Ingrid are playing together until Ingrid's mom, Candace arrives to pick up her daughter]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[answers the door]'' Oh, hi, Candace. ''[calling out]'' Lily, Ingrid's mommy is here! :''[Lily and Ingrid both come downstairs]'' :'''Candace''': Thanks for having Ingrid over. Lily is welcome at our place anytime. ''[leaves and gets into their car; to her daughter]'' Did you have fun, sweetie? :'''Ingrid''': Yep, yep! ''[as her mother puts her in the booster seat]'' Look, look, look! Look what I got! ''[pulls Eunice out her backpack]'' I'm gonna name her Princess Cotton Candy! :''[Lily reacts in horror, realizing she accidentally traded Lola's beloved Eunice]'' :'''Candace''': How about you take your new friend to the grocery store with us? :'''Lily''': ''[frantically after the car drives off]'' No, no, no, no, no! She take Eunice! ''[fearfully imagines what would Lola find out if she returns home]'' :'''Lola''': ''[with her face turning red of rage]'' '''''LILY!!!''''' ''[roars lividly with a blast of fire from her mouth, which strongly blasts the roof open]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lily''': ''[dashes into Lincoln's room; frantically]'' Lincoln! :'''Lincoln''': ''[yelps and fires a net out of his net cannon in midair and it lands on him]'' Dang it. :'''Lily''': Need help. Big problem! :'''Lincoln''': Lily, it's okay. Calm down. I'm sure whatever it is isn't that bad. :'''Lily''': ''[grabs her brother by the face]'' I trade Eunice to Ingrid! :'''Lincoln''': Well, it was nice knowing ya. :'''Lily''': It was accident! They go to grocery store! Please help me get her back! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lily''': Ingrid! We have to trade back! Take Nugget, and I get back Eunice! :'''Ingrid''': Her name is Princess Cotton Candy now, and no way! We traded, no backsies, those are the rules! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lily''': ''[worried]'' I'm toast, and not the yummy cinnamon kind. :'''Lincoln''': No, you're not, Lily. I've got a plan. There's an issue of ''David Steele'' where he assembles a team to break into Golden Toe's lair to take his, you know, golden toe. :'''Lily''': ''[confused]'' We're gonna take Ingrid's toe? :'''Lincoln''': No. We'll do our ''own'' heist and get back Eunice before Lola ever knows she was missing. :'''Lily''': Ooh, sneaky. :'''Lincoln''': We just need a map of Ingrid's house. :'''Lisa''': Hmm. Perhaps ''I'' can assist. I, too, would like to protect our youngest kin from Lola's ire. Besides, I need Lily in one piece to complete the rest of our human nightlight test trial. I have a way we could get a full scan of Ingrid's house and the location of your desired target. I'll just have to initiate Todd's new pizza oven modification. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the dining room, Lincoln and Lily have gathered Luan, Lynn, Lana, Lisa, and Todd all together for a meeting at the table]'' :'''Lincoln''': Welcome to Operation Unicorn Heist. We've set another playdate for Lily and Ingrid tomorrow, and we need all your special skills to help rescue Eunice before Lola gets home. Here's the plan: ''[Lily shows the first drawing of him talking to Candace]'' I'll distract Ingrid's mom. ''[the second drawing shows Luan keeping Ingrid busy with her clown entertainment]'' Luan, you keep Ingrid entertained. ''[the third drawing shows Lana distracting Ingrid's dog with a bone]'' Lana, you distract the dog. :'''Todd''': '''''Good luck. He's a biter.''' [turns around, showing a chunk bitten off by the dog]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[as Lily holds up the fourth drawing of herself swapping Eunice and Nugget in Ingrid's room]'' Lily, you get to Eunice in Ingrid's bedroom where you'll swap her for Nugget. ''[the fifth drawing shows Lynn retrieving Eunice by using a drone]'' Lynn, you're on extraction. :'''Lynn''': Yes! I love extracting junk! :'''Lincoln''': ''[confused]'' And then we all hold hands under a rainbow? :'''Lily''': ''[chuckles sheepishly, realizing she was holding a drawing of that and puts it away]'' That drawing for school. <hr width="50%"> :''[Back at the Loud House; In Lola and Lana's room, Lincoln places Eunice back in her place at Lola's tea party]'' :'''Lola''': Little Miss Hair Flip is home, everyone! ''[the siblings all dash out of the room and into the hallway, acting badly innocent]'' Huh. Just as weird as I remember. ''[enters her room]'' Oh, Eunice, I missed you! ''[kisses her]'' Wait, why do you smell like kumquats? =='''Twas the Fight Before Christmas (Episode 17)''== :''[Winter season at the Loud House in Royal Woods; the sisters are playing a Christmas bingo game based on what Lynn Sr. says while faking a back injury]'' :'''Lana''': ''[eating a bucket of popcorn]'' What did I miss? :'''Lisa''': Three wails, two moans, and 14 "Ding-dang darn it!"s. I just need Dad to say the other word "Sciatica" and I'll just win this year's bingo game. :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' You probably think my own favorite sisters are being harsh, but let me assure you, my dad's totally fine. Every year, he fakes the same back injury to get out of seeing his brother, our Uncle Lance, which stinks, because that starts to mean we can't spend the holidays with our own favorite Aunt Sharon or our favorite cousins. ''[takes out his phone, showing a photo of his Uncle Lance, his favorite wife, Sharon, and their own kids: Shane, Shelby and Shiloh]'' The trouble started five years ago. ''[scrapes some frosting off the gingerbread Loud House roof and sprinkles it on some snowmen]'' Uncle Lance and his family drove on all of the other side from Petoskey Falls to spend the holidays with us. ''[Flashback to Christmas Eve night, five years ago; in rhyming narration]'' 'Twas the night before Christmas before all through the Loud House, not a child was stirring, to the relief of Mr. Grouse. ''[The young-aged Loud kids are asleep upstairs while Mr. Grouse leans outside the bedroom window, listening, and smiles that they're sleeping quietly for once, and closes the window before going back to bed; In the dining room, Lynn Sr., Leonard and Sharon had just finished eating dessert at the dining table while Lance is doing sit-ups on his exercise ball]'' The adults finished dessert, figgy pudding was so decadent, when Mom stood out to call… :'''Rita''': ''[calling out; holding a bowl of numbers]'' It's another time to play White Elephant! :''[Lynn Sr., Leonard, Lance and Sharon enter the living room and pick their favorite numbers from the bowl]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': I'm up first! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …Dad said as he reached in the pile, and pulled out a present that gave him a real smile. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[grabs a present and unwraps it, revealing a new spatula; gasps]'' It's a spatula! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …he shouted, and the new model, too. ''[Lance sees his paper and grins maliciously]'' Then Uncle Lance eyed his paper as a giddy grin grew. :'''Lance''': Oh, I'm up next in this game, and I think I'll take ''that. [swipes his brother's new spatula]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …which everyone made Dad jump to his own feet in two seconds flat. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gets up, completely incensed]'' But ''I'' want that, Lance! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …my dad did burst. :'''Lance''': Tough toenails, it's mine for now. You'll just catch me first. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[chasing his favorite brother around the living room to get the spatula back; grunting]'' Give it! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' Acting like children, the men gave chase over sofas, side tables, and the crackling fireplace. :'''Lance''': ''[blows a raspberry and obtains the high ground by standing on his exercise ball]'' I can do this all night, champ. You should give up and stop. :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' But Dad leapt for the spatula, making Lance's new ball pop. :''[Lynn Sr. leaps on top of the ball and continues to struggle for the spatula, thus, breaking the ball]'' :'''Lance''': My Ab Blaster 3000! Lynnie, look what you did! :'''Lynn Sr.''': It's your fault! You've been trying to mess with me since we were born earlier! :'''Lance''': Your fault times a thousand! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Nuh-uh, it's your fault times infinity! :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' The brothers continued their bickering symphony. :'''Lynn Sr. & Lance''': Well, we need to agree on one thing. :'''Lincoln''': ''[narrating]'' …barked two of those angry men. :'''Lynn Sr. & Lance''': ''[turning away from ourselves]'' Let's never speak to ourselves! Never, ever again! :''[7-year-old Lincoln watches everything from upstairs, looking worried; Back to the present]'' :'''Lincoln''': But this year's going to be different, I promise you that. For the first time in years, Gramps is finally back. ''[realizes]'' Ugh. Sorry, still in rhyme mode. ''[to his sisters]'' Guys, put away your bingo cards. I like to do a little plan to bring Dad and Uncle Lance back together. :'''Lynn''': ''[gasps]'' "Lincoln likes to do a plan." That's my last, final space! ''[whooping and hollering in victory]'' BINGO! WOOHOO! ''[picks up her brother]'' WOO! WOOHOO! :''[Meanwhile… at another Loud House in Petoskey Falls; Lance and Sharon are doing a yoga session in the living room while Lance is faking a foot injury]'' :'''Sharon''': And you say all of this pain is that started suddenly last night out of nowhere is from athlete's foot? :'''Lance''': It's what happens to athletes, Shar-Shar. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't physically unborn at all. ''[collapses right in front of Shelby]'' :'''Shelby''': It's okay, Dad. Sweater Santa may just get you a new foot. ''[moves the mouth of her sweater while speaking Mr. Coconuts-style]'' :'''Sweater Santa''': Ho-ho-ho! I need to have one lying around the North Pole. Don't ask. :'''Shiloh''': ''[swinging on top of the tree and flings himself]'' Christmas Tree cannonball! :'''Sharon''': ''[catches him]'' Shiloh, no cannonballs in the house. But it was a perfect 10, baby. <hr width="50%"> :'''Shane''': ''[as he and his siblings get a call from Lincoln]'' Sounds like your favorite dad's seasonal aches and pain are back, too. :'''Shiloh''': Guess it's gonna become another year apart. :'''Lincoln''': Actually, that's exactly what I was calling about. What if everybody thinks I told you a real time for us to spend Christmas together this year? :'''Shelby''': ''[takes Shane's phone]'' And what if I told ''you,'' goldfish speak fluent Portuguese? ''[realizes what Lincoln meant as everyone reacts confused]'' I hope we were just saying things. Are you serious? Christmas together must feel amazing. :'''Lincoln''': Yep. I call it Operation See You on the Brother Side. Phase one: Get our favorite dads in the same place. Another time to put in a real call to Gramps. <hr width="50%"> :'''Rita''': ''[lugging a giant fish; deadpan]'' This must be from Gramps. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[yelps as Rita holds the giant fish in his face; the fish then regurgitates out a letter; reading] '''"Set sail on the SS Gramps. Won't you join me for Christmas at Camp Mastodon? Please RSVP in enclosed pre-stamped flounder."''' [the giant fish regurgitates a flounder]'' Oh, dear! ''[elated]'' Christmas with Dad? Oh, heck yes! :'''Rita''': ''[clears throat]'' What about your bad back, dear? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[remembering that]'' You know, I-I'm feeling a lot better for now, I am. It's... It's a Christmas miracle! :'''Lori''': ''[texting on her phone]'' Texting cousins, "Dad bought it." Oh, Shelby's typing. ''[Texts from Shelby appear]'' Santa emoji, foot emoji, thumbs-up emoji. Sounds like Uncle Lance bought it too. :'''Lincoln''': Yes! <hr width="50%"> :''[Both sides of the Loud family arrive at Camp Mastodon to spend the holiday with Leonard, but Lynn Sr. and Lance are not thrilled to see themselves]'' :'''Lynn Sr. & Lance''': ''[walking up to each other's faces]'' What're ''you'' doing here?! I asked you first! ''DAD!'' :''[Leonard chuckles nervously]'' :'''Lincoln''': Don't be mad at Gramps. This was our idea. We hope you might only come if your favorite brother weren't. :'''Leonard''': It's another time two of you bury the spatula once and for all. What do you say? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Okay. Everyone in the van! :'''Lance''': Yeah! We're going back home, too! :'''Luan''': Wait. Two of you need to stay. Consider it an early Christmas present to us. :'''Lola''': Um, that may ''not'' become one of mine if not. ''[looks at her twin]'' :'''Sharon''': Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Remember our own mantra. :'''Both''': I am strong here. ''[point to Lance's bicep]'' I am strong here. ''[try to point to their heads]'' And I'm strong here. ''[try to point to his heart]'' :'''Lance''': ''[inhaling calmly]'' Fine, but I'm not happy about it. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Oh, yeah? Well, I'm happy about it. :'''Rita''': ''[fed up]'' Great. You're unhappy. At least you need to have that in common. :''[The adult Loud brothers turn away from themselves and go their separate ways]'' :'''Sharon''': ''[also fed up as Rita walks up to her]'' Oh, well. :'''Rita''': So they haven't just changed, but it's good to see you! ''[she and Sharon hug]'' :'''Sharon''': You, too! :''[The Loud siblings and cousins all hug, excited to see themselves]'' :'''Lincoln''': Okay, it's going about as well as I expected. Now for Phase Two: Family Christmas Activities. Once our favorite dads get in the holiday spirit, they'll totally just forget about their favorite fights. :'''Sweater Santa''': Never underestimate the power of Christmas. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lance''': My snow pile is bigger! :'''Lynn Sr.''': IS NOT! <hr width="50%"> :'''Luna''': Well, that was a total bust, dudes. :'''Shelby''': I think they hate themselves for now. :'''Leonard''': Ah, fish paste. You minnows warm up in here. I'm going to go get us a tree for the mess hall cuz I want to go get us a tree for the mess hall. ''[gets his jacket, which is beside old photo of him and his own favorite sons, actually getting along with themselves in the forest]'' Your favorite dads helped me pick one out. ''[shows Lincoln the photo]'' It was our own favorite Christmas tradition. But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening. :'''Lincoln''': ''[looks at the photo and thinks, then suddenly gets an idea]'' What if we make it happen? Maybe this will just become one thing that brings them together. <hr width="50%"> :'''Leonard''': Hey, boys, I think I found the perfect tree! ''[starts to chop it down with his own axe]'' :'''Lance''': ''[smiling to his brother; remembering a happier time]'' Do you remember the time that tree accidentally started to fall on Vanzilla? :''[Flashback to when they were kids; Leonard chops down a tree, and it wobbles before landing on top of Vanzilla, much to his disheartening, but the boys chuckle amusingly]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[voice-over on another flashback to when they were teenagers]'' Oh, oh, or how about the great squirrel incident? :''[Leonard chops down a tree, that's occupied by a family of squirrels, who are not too happy with him, and they start attacking him while the teenage brothers swat each other, laughing]'' :'''Lance''': ''[voice-over on another flashback to when they were young adults]'' You know, nothing beats that time we accidentally chopped down that telephone pole. :''[Leonard accidentally chops down a telephone pole, mistaking it for a tree, which then falls into the other poles like dominoes, knocking them all over, and killing the power in the camp; the young adult brothers cringe, but laugh, as usual]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[remembering]'' Oh, we didn't have phone service for a month. <hr width="50%"> :''[In the mess hall… All the Louds are setting up the Christmas decorations and set up ornaments on the tree]'' :'''Shiloh''': Make way! ''[jumps into the tree from the bottom and works his way up to the top and places a starfish]'' Gramps! Instead of a star, I put a starfish on top. Christmas tree cannonball! ''[cannonballs right on top of Leonard]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever. :'''Lance''': ''[suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland]'' AH! SPIDER! ''[grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen]'' Ah! My new spatula! ''[suddenly remembers what they were fighting about, seething with fury]'' :''[Leonard and the kids all cringe]'' :'''Lincoln''': ''[to the viewers]'' Um, maybe I spoke too soon. :''[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2, Lance tries to fix the spatula, making it look as good as new]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[swipes back his beloved spatula; infuriated to his brother]'' You did that on purpose! :'''Lance''': Did not! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Did too! :'''Lance''': ''[slightly annoyed]'' Quit being a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[now standing next to his brother's exercise ball]'' Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh? :'''Lance''': ''[gasps]'' You mustn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this thing's 5000! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. ''[tries to pop the ball with the spatula, only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his own teeth instead]'' :''[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about, groaning in fury]'' :'''Rita''': ''[covering Lily's eyes; shocked with anger]'' Lynn! :'''Lance''': ''[grabs a gingerbread cookie off the tray]'' Say goodbye to gingerbread you! ''[bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his throat in horror]'' :'''Sharon''': ''[covering Shiloh's own eyes; also shocked with anger]'' Lance! :'''Lynn Sr.''': Say goodbye to… ''[tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy]'' Okay, not that. Ah-ha! ''[grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]'' :'''Lance''': ''[sees a present; reads label]'' '''"For Lynn."''' Ha! Not today, Santa! ''[soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest]'' GOAL! :'''Lisa''': Actually, that was for Lynn Jr. :'''Leonard''': ''[blasting his air horn in irritation, stopping the fighting]'' For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas? :'''Lynn Sr.''': I am not having Christmas with him. :'''Lance''': I'm not having Christmas with him. :'''Rita''': Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work? :''[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[slicing a ham for his family on one side]'' Well, this works for me. :'''Lance''': ''[slicing tofu for his family on the opposite]'' Works for me, more. :'''Leonard''': ''[sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle]'' Yeah, not so much for me. :'''Lynn Sr.''': Sorry, Dad, but it's only one reason to make sure you don't take sides. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Folks, this is the worst. :'''Lola''': The fighting or the tofu gravy? <hr width="50%"> :''[Two adult Loud brothers put on their winter clothes before heading out to rescue Lincoln, Lori and Shelby from the frozen river]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': You know, this is your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like a jerk before earlier, the kids never should pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt and the kids never would pull this stunt because they never pulled this stunt! :'''Lance''': ''[offended]'' Oh, I was born to act like the jerk? You are the other person who-- :'''Rita''': Stop! This is no time for arguing and fighting! :'''Sharon''': Rita's wright, Rita's correct, you need to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please! :''[Two adult brothers run for the door, but feel stuck in it]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': I was here first! :'''Lance''': No, ''I'' was! :'''Leonard''': Oh, for trout's sake. ''[shoves them out the door]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Sweater Santa''': ''[to the viewers]'' Merry Christmas, everybody! Ho-ho-ho! ==Episode 18== ===''Let's Break a Deal'' [7.18a]=== :'''Boris''': Oh, Boris has been waiting an eternity for our pizza. :'''Morpheus''': ''[clears throat]'' Allow me to help. ''[flips through the pages of his spell book]'' Pillows, pinwheels, pitchforks. Ah, pizza. "Sauce like blood and cheese that bubbles, bring our pizza on the double!" :''[A green spell wisp zips over towards the pick-up counter where Rusty is waiting in line, annoyingly, and picks up the pizza box]'' :'''Rusty''': ''[gasps as the pizza box flies past him, but smacks him in the face]'' Watch the hair! ''[sees the pizza box drifting over to the three Morticians and Lucy and Boris begin eating; amazed]'' Oh, wow! Hmm… ''[gets an idea and runs over to the booth]'' Hey, Lucy, still gothing it up, I see. Anyway, can I get an intro to your wizard friend? :'''Lucy''': ''[annoyed]'' Ugh, whatever gets you to leave me alone the quickest. Hey, Morpheus, this is my favorite brother's favorite friend, Rusty. :'''Rusty''': Oh, great and powerful wizard of 'Za. ''[bows down to Morpheus]'' I remember that trick you just did. Very sweet. You wouldn't just have any spells and help me get the high score in Dance Battle? ''[grins awkwardly]'' :'''Morpheus''': Ugh, normy dancing. Cringe. :'''Rusty''': You call ''this'' cringe? ''[shows off his dancing skills, ending with a split]'' Aw, yeah! <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': ''[walks back to Morpheus and slaps him in the back, to his annoyance]'' Dude, major props! You know, you're alright. We must hang. :'''Morpheus''': Why did we do that? :'''Rusty''': ''[hesitating]'' Uh, because, you know, we need to have a lot in common, like, we're both...dudes. ''[relents as Morpheus reacts unconvincingly]'' Okay, fine. I'm into the other spells! Maybe we can help ourselves out? You scratch my back, I scratch yours? :'''Morpheus''': ''[literally taking it]'' Ugh, I ''loathe'' to show myself being touched by hands. But perhaps, there's another way you can repay me: I'll grant you one day of spells if at nightfall, you grant me one favor. :'''Rusty''': Rustman's always down to do a bro a solid. :'''Morpheus''': Very well. ''[takes a contract out of his cape]'' Sign here in ''blood. [flash of lightning cracks and Rusty shrieks; takes out a pen]'' Or red pen. Your call. :''[Rusty eagerly takes the pen and signs the contract, accepting the deal; Later at the Spokes house…]'' :'''Rusty''': Oh, this is just gonna feel very sweet! I've always wanted a cool stache. Now, remember, thick and bushy. :'''Morpheus''': ''[takes out his spell book and chants a spell]'' "Scales of newt, mane of a bull. Let the lip grow nice and full!" :''[The green spell wisp accidentally makes Rusty's lips oversized]'' :'''Rusty''': ''[in a lisp]'' How does it cook? Does it cook great? ''[realizes]'' Wait, something feels weird. ''[looks into the bathroom mirror and screams in horrified shock]'' What did wou do?! :'''Morpheus''': ''[looks in his spell book, realizing the problem]'' Oh, sorry, my bad, missed a word. I should have said, "lip hair." Let's try that again. :''[Later at Duds for Dudes; Rusty looks into the mirror with his new mustache]'' :'''Rodney''': Looking good, son. :'''Rusty''': I know. :'''Rodney''': Thanks for lending a hand at the summer sale, you two. We've got to sell every single piece of last season's inventory. So turn on that old Spokes charm! I'll man the cash register. Good luck, boys. :'''Rusty''': Okay, Morphy. :'''Morpheus''': ''[not liking the nickname]'' No. :'''Rusty''': ''[clears throat]'' Morpheus. I need one of your favorite spells to sell all of this old merch. Otherwise, I'm just gonna stay here all day. :'''Morpheus''': ''[going through his spell book]'' Let's see. Ah, here it is, denim desire. This must work. "Spirits of Persuasion, hear my favorite spell, spell, spell. Make these wretched garments sell, sell, sell!" <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': It worked! I like to have a date! Oh, I must go figure out what to wear. Thanks for the other help for today, dawg. :'''Morpheus''': Uh, aren't you forgetting a good deal? For now, you owe ''me'' something. :'''Rusty''': Oh, right, sure. What'll it be? Cash, hang sesh, pop and lock lessons? :'''Morpheus''': Your hair. :'''Rusty''': ''[laughs]'' I thought you said my hair. I was like, "AH!" ''[laughs]'' :'''Morpheus''': I did. I need it for one of my spells. ''[takes out a razor and turns it on]'' :'''Rusty''': ''[shrieks in horror]'' Dude, get that thing away from me here! You can't have my hair, it's my best feature! :'''Morpheus''': A deal's a deal. You tried to sign a contract, ''bro!'' :'''Rusty''': Look! A hearse! ''[scampers away as Morpheus looks in the opposite direction]'' :'''Morpheus''': ''[turns back, realizing he was tricked]'' Curses! He took advantage of my weakness for motorized corpse transport. :'''Rusty''': ''[running away, selfishly]'' See ya, chumps! :'''Morpheus''': Well, Thorn, if he doesn't fulfill his favorite end of the bargain, we'll just make him pay. ''[grins vengefully]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': ''[arriving at Gus']'' I don't need spells! The Rustman is oozing with charm. ''[quickly runs inside and approaches Amber, who's waiting]'' Amber, hey! Sorry I'm late. :'''Amber''': What happened to your clothes? :'''Rusty''': Nothing. I'm rocking the destroyed look. It's super trendy right now. ''[pulls out a chair]'' Shall we sit? :'''Amber''': Oh, thank you. ''[begins to sit down, but a wisp flies into the chair's legs and slides it away, causing her to land on the ground]'' :'''Rusty''': Oh, my gosh! That wasn't me! ''[looks over and sees Morpheus sitting at a booth]'' :'''Morpheus''': ''[cackles]'' This can all end if you just give me your hair. ''[takes out a razor and grins deviously]'' <hr width="50%"> :'''Rusty''': ''[tries to place his hair back on his head, disgruntled over all the trouble he went through for nothing]'' Ugh, I am done with spells. ''[hurries over to Amber, now free from Morpheus' spell while trying to get out of the claw machine]'' So where were we, my precious Amber stone? :'''Amber''': ''[furiously]'' We were done! This was the worst date ever! I never want to see you again! ''[angrily throws a stuffed giraffe at Rusty, which hits him in the head and knocks off his hair]'' :'''Rusty''': Well, lost my hair and the girl, but at least I got this sweet prize! Rustman's winning! ===''A Dish Come True'' [7.18b]=== :'''Lynn Sr.''': Last item on the agenda, I've just held the first-ever Lynn's Table Employee of the Month contest. :'''Grant''': That's awesome, Mr. L. :'''Kotaro''': Cool! :'''Lynn Sr.''': The winner of this month's award may just get a menu item ''named'' after him. :''[Lincoln and Clyde peer out from behind the window, hearing that]'' :'''Kotaro''': You mean like steak ''Ko-tartare?'' :'''Grant''': Or a ''Grant-ipasto'' salad? :'''Lynn Sr.''': Well, we'll work on the names. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Hey, Dad. I'm ready to get to work and-- ''[screams in shock when he sees Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lana all there, grinning]'' What're you folks doing here?! :'''Lynn''': The jig is up, Stinkoln! We know you're trying to get a dish named after you. And we came to beat you at your favorite game. ''[fist bumps with Lana]'' :'''Luna''': Yeah, bro. At first we hope it was really dumb earlier, but then I realize, people trying to order a Moon Goat cheese salad may just feel really good for the band. :'''Luan''': And there's nothing fishy about a ''Luan-chovy'' pizza. :'''Lana''': I think a dessert called the ''Ba-Lana'' split sounds very yummy. :''[Luna, Luan, and Lana look at Lynn]'' :'''Lynn''': I just wanna win another thing. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[emerges from the kitchen and hugs all of four of his own favorite daughters together]'' Look at my own favorite daughters, who also want to spend another time with their own old man and learn about the restaurant biz. :'''Lynn''': ''[in unison]'' Definitely. :'''Luna''': ''[in unison]'' Totally. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[clapping his hands, gathering everyone]'' Okay, everyone, gather around. :'''Luna, Luan, and Lana''': One, two, three! ''[bust down the fridge, freeing themselves]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': Okay, not gonna ask. I got to duck out to meet my duck-guy. :'''Luan''': I hope he's not a quack. ''[she and her father laugh]'' :'''Lynn Sr.''': That's a good thing. Anywho, Kotaro and Grant are in charge until I get back, okay? ''[leaves]'' :'''Kotaro''': Okay, folks, let's just stay focused and… :'''Loud Siblings''': ''[fiercely to themselves]'' YOU'RE GOING DOWN! <hr width="50%"> :'''Grant''': ''[using a tray to shield himself from Luna firing ketchup and mustard as he approaches her and swipes the bottles out of her own hands]'' Folks, cut it out! :'''Kotaro''': ''[takes a plate of another food out of Luan's hand]'' You're acting like children! Which I know you technically are, but still! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[shocked at his favorite restaurant's messy appearance from the siblings' food fight]'' My favorite restaurant! My livelihood! ''[to his kids; upset]'' I can't believe you kids! ''[then turns to Kotaro and Grant; sharped]'' And you, Kotaro and Grant, I need to expect this behavior from my own children, but not from you! :'''Kotaro & Grant''': What? :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[covers both of their mouths]'' You know what? You can forget about winning Employee of the Month, for now! ''[takes off his cooking hat as he tries to storm off to the kitchen]'' Neither of you deserve it! :''[Kotaro and Grant try to sulk]'' :'''Lincoln''': Wait, Dad, this is our own fault. Grant and Kotaro were only breaking up our own food fight. :'''Luna''': Yeah. The five of us got so caught up in trying to win Employee of the Month, and we lost another control. :'''Lynn Sr.''': ''[gasps in realization]'' That's what you folks have been up to a few days? Trying to win that award? :'''Lincoln''': ''[sighs as he and four of his own favorite sisters nod their heads yes in guilt]'' Yes, but we definitely don't deserve it. :'''Luna''': But Grant and Kotaro do! ==Episode 19== ===''Beg, Borrow and Steele'' [7.19a]=== :'''Lincoln''': STOP! If I keep this up, I'm going to need a coffin for ''real.'' :'''Lynn''': Well, if you're not gonna work for us anymore, we want our money back! :'''Leni, Lucy, & Lisa''': Yeah! :'''Lily''': Figure it out, Lincoln! :'''Lincoln''': ''[groans]'' You guys are right. I never should have borrowed money that I couldn't pay back. ''[looks at his David Steele action figure, sadly]'' I know what I have to do. ===''There Will Be Mud'' [7.19b]=== :'''Liam''': ''[to his farm animals]'' Aww, I'm sorry, gang. I wish y'all could be inside with us too, but we're tryin' to fit in, and these folks ain't the farm animal type. ''[the horse blows raspberry at him]'' Yeah, I deserve that. Look, I know this won't make it up to y'all, but I brought somethin' for everyone. ''[holds up a plate of party food, opens the gate, and places it inside the pen, then walks away, but forgot to close the gate]'' ==Episode 20== ===''Riddle School'' [7.20a]=== :'''Lincoln''': ''[dashing through the halls, stops and takes a breath; to the viewers]'' It's finally here! ''[points to a sign reading: '''"SPAGHETTI DAY! FRIDAY"''']'' Spaghetti day! It only happens once a month and everybody goes wild for it, which is why I need to get a good spot in line. <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': ''[takes the first bite of his spaghetti and notices something off, his face turns red after he swallows]'' Uh, does this marinara sauce taste different to anyone? :'''Clyde''': ''[realizes]'' Wait, yeah. Something is off. And that something is… spicy?! ''[his face also turns red, and so does Rusty]'' Ah! Very spicy! Why is it so spicy?! :'''Liam''': ''[blasting steam out of his ears]'' Hoowie. I can feel it, y'all! :'''Rusty''': ''[lifts up his shirt as his stomach growls]'' The beast is angry! <hr width="50%"> :'''Lincoln''': Let me get this straight. You set up this whole thing just to test us for an elective class you're teaching? :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Yup. :'''Clyde''': ''[sits down on the floor]'' Uh, I think I need to lie down. ''[lies down]'' :'''Mr. Bolhofner''': Buckle up, you have ten more weeks of this. And I've got some doozies planned. ''[the Action News Team groan and pass out]'' Oh, uh, word of advice, don't eat the meatloaf tomorrow. ===''Love Me Tenor'' [7.20b]=== :''[Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet; the Action News Team and Gus sit at a table after Mr. Grouse sings his karaoke]'' :'''Clyde''': Okay, Gus. Toddler tiptoe number two: Performing for real people. :'''Gus''': ''[nervously]'' Yeah, I--I don't think I'm ready for karaoke, you guys. :'''Stella''': Relax. It's all-you-can-eat crepe taco night. Nobody will even notice you up there on stage. [[Category:The Loud House|season 7]] 8vramtmodszut0nkpef8d53janp8xrx 0 263050 3954199 3899090 2026-06-18T17:13:26Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Women from India]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from India]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954199 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Abadi Bano Begum|Abadi Bano Begum]]''' (known as '''Bi Amma'''; 1850 – 13 November 1924) was an Indian freedom fighter and one of the first Muslim women to participate in the [[w:Indian independence movement|Indian independence movement]] against the [[w:British Raj|British Raj]]. {{activist-stub}} == Quotes == *Mohammad Ali can’t even think about begging forgiveness from the British. If he does so then my old hands have enough strength to strangle him. **Upon hearing the rumor that her son [[Mohammad Ali Jauhar]] would be released from jail if he asked the government for forgiveness. ***Retrieved from [https://feminisminindia.com/2018/10/12/abadi-bano-begum-a-k-a-bi-amma-the-burqa-clad-freedom-fighter-indianwomeninhistory/ Abadi Bano Begum AKA Bi Amma: The Burqa Clad Freedom Fighter] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Begum, Abadi Bano}} [[Category:Political activists from India]] [[Category:Women activists from India]] [[Category:1850 births]] [[Category:1924 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] 2t9qbso9af5do2sm3a7yxrka5o3eu89 0 264778 3954209 3953691 2026-06-18T17:17:46Z MusenInvincible 2414756 /* Quotes */ 3954209 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Ptolemaic-geocentric-model.jpg|thumb|{{center/s}}Ptolemaic-geocentric-model from<br />''[[w:de:Harmonia Macrocosmica|Harmonia Macrocosmica]]''<br />(1660-1627){{center/e}}]]<!--Also see File:Stadtbahn Hannover Kopernikusstraße 2006280709.jpg--> The '''{{w|geocentric model}}''' (also known as '''geocentrism''', often exemplified specifically by the '''[[Ptolemy|Ptolemaic]] system''') is a superseded description of the Universe with Earth at the center. Under most geocentric models, the Sun, Moon, stars, and planets all orbit Earth. The geocentric model was the predominant description of the cosmos in many European ancient civilizations, such as those of [[Aristotle]] in {{w|Classical Greece}} and [[Ptolemy]] in {{w|Roman Egypt}}, as well as during the {{w|Islamic Golden Age}}. == Quotes == [[File:Ptolemaicsystem-small.png|thumb|{{center/s}}Ptolemaic system<br />''Petri Apiani cosmographia'' (1539)<br />{{w|Petrus Apianus}}.{{center/e}}]] [[File:Michelangelo Caetani, Overview of the Divine Comedy, 1855 Cornell CUL PJM 1071 01.jpg|thumb|Universe in the ''Overview of {{w|the Divine Comedy}}'' (1855) {{w|Michelangelo Caetani}}]] [[File:Planisphaerium Ptolemaicum siue machina orbium mundi ex hypothesi Ptolemaica in plano disposita (2709983277).jpg|thumb|''Planisphaerium Ptolemaicum''... {{w|Andreas Cellarius}} (1661) Earth, Moon, Mercury, Venus, the Sun, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, the Stars]] [[File:The Earth seen from Apollo_17.jpg|thumb|In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. ~ [[Bible]] ]] * In the beginning, God created '''the heavens and the earth'''. ** [[Bible]], ''Book of Genesis'', chapter 1 verse 1 * Both ancient and medieval observers had noted that in many respects nature appeared to be governed by the principle of [[simplicity]], and they had recorded the substance of their observations to this effect in the form of proverbial {{w|axiom}}s which had become currently accepted bits of man's conception of the world. That falling bodies moved perpendicularly towards the earth, that [[light]] travelled in straight lines, that projectiles did not vary from the direction in which they were impelled, and countless other familiar facts of experience, had given rise to such common proverbs as: '' 'Natura semper agit per vias brevissimas'; 'natura nihil facit frustra'; 'natura neque redundat in superfluis neque deficit in necessariis' '' [Nature always acts by the shortest path; nature does nothing in vain; nature never overflows into the unnecessary, nor is she deficient in what is necessary]. This notion, that nature performs her duties in the most [[wiktionary:commodious#Adjective|commodious]] fashion, without extra labour, would have tended to decrease somewhat the repulsion which most minds must have felt at [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]]; the cumbrous [[w:Deferent and epicycle|epicycle]]s had been decreased in number, various irregularities in the [[Ptolemy|Ptolemaic]] scheme were eliminated... That such a tremendous shift in the point of reference could be legitimate was a suggestion quite beyond the grasp of people trained for centuries to think in terms of a homocentric philosophy and a geocentric physics. ...Copernicus could take the step because... he had definitely placed himself in... [the] dissenting [[w:Platonism|Platonic]] movement. ...It was no accident that he became familiar with the remains of the early [[w:Pythagoreanism|Pythagoreans]], who almost alone among the ancients had ventured to suggest a non-geocentric astronomy. ** [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]], ''[[The Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Physical Science]]'' Ch. 2 Copernicus and Kepler (A) The Problem of the New Astronomy, pp. 26-44. * [[Ptolemy]]... against the champions of this or that [[cosmology]] of the heavens... had dared to claim that it is legitimate to interpret the facts of astronomy by the simplest geometrical scheme which will '[[w:Scientific formalism#In modern physics|save the phenomena]],' no matter whose [[metaphysics]] might be upset. His conception of the physical structure of the earth, however, prevented him from carrying through in earnest this principle of relativity, as his objections to the hypothesis that the earth moves amply show. ** [[Edwin Arthur Burtt]], in ''[[The Metaphysical Foundations of Modern Physical Science]]'' (1924) p. 35. * [[Galileo Galilei|Galileo]] had the experience of beholding the heavens as they actually are for perhaps the first time, and wherever he looked he found evidence to support the [[Copernican heliocentrism|Copernican]] system against the [[Ptolemy|Ptolemaic]], or at least weaken the authority of the ancients. This shattering experience—of observing the depths of the universe, of being the first mortal to know what the heavens are actually like—made so deep an impression... that it is only by considering the events of 1609... that one can understand the subsequent direction of his life. ** [[I. Bernard Cohen]], ''The Birth of a New Physics'' (1959) pp. 57-58. *The Greek philosopher, [[Plato]], in the fourth century B.C. asked his students if they could devise a theory or explanation to explain this erratic planetary motion using some form of circular motion. Being keen observers, the Greeks came up with the most logical and obvious conclusions; namely, that the earth was the center about which the sun, the moon, planets, and the stars rotated. This model of the universe is called a geocentric or earth-centered model. It satisfactorily explained the daily motion of the stars and sun by assuming that they were attached to invisible [[w:Celestial spheres|crystalline spheres]] that rotated about the earth. The axis of the sphere of the sun was tilted with respect to that of the stars to account for the variation of the sun's height at {{w|zenith}} with the various seasons. Since the sun appears to move through the stars and was brighter, it was assumed to be nearer to the earth than the stars. The spheres of the Moon, Mercury, and Venus were placed within the sphere of the sun while those of Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn were placed outside the sphere of the sun but within the sphere of the stars. ** Cooperative General Science Project (CGSP) Staff, O. P. Puri (Director), "[https://files.eric.ed.gov/fulltext/ED033855.pdf Concepts in Physical Science]" Ch. 1 Concepts in Motion, p. 7. * The fundamental core of contemporary [[Darwinism]], the theory of DNA-based reproduction and evolution, is now beyond dispute among scientists. It demonstrates its power every day, contributing crucially to the explanation of planet-sized facts of geology and meteorology, through middle-sized facts of ecology and [[agronomy]], down to the latest microscopic facts of genetic engineering. It unifies all of biology and the history of our planet into a single grand story. Like Gulliver tied down in Lilliput, it is unbudgable, not because of some one or two huge chains of argument that might — hope against hope — have weak links in them, but because it is securely tied by thousands of threads of evidence anchoring it to virtually every other area of human knowledge. New discoveries may conceivably lead to dramatic, even "revolutionary" ''shifts'' in the Darwinian theory, but the hope that it will be "refuted" by some shattering breakthrough is about as reasonable as the hope that we will return to a geocentric vision and discard Copernicus. ** [[Daniel Dennett]], ''Darwin's Dangerous Idea'' (1995) * The present revolution of scientific thought follows in natural sequence on the great revolutions at earlier epochs in the history of science. [[Albert Einstein|Einstein]]'s [[Special relativity|special theory of relativity]], which explains the indeterminateness of the frame of space and time, crowns the work of [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]] who first led us to give up our insistence on a geocentric outlook on nature; Einstein's [[General relativity|general theory of relativity]], which reveals the curvature or [[non-Euclidean geometry]] of [[Spacetime|space and time]], carries forward the rudimentary thought of those earlier astronomers who first contemplated the possibility that their existence lay on something which was not flat. These earlier revolutions are still a source of perplexity in childhood, which we soon outgrow; and a time will come when Einstein's amazing revelations have likewise sunk into the commonplaces of educated thought. ** [[Arthur Eddington]], ''[[s:The Theory of Relativity and its Influence on Scientific Thought|The Theory of Relativity and its Influence on Scientific Thought]]'' (1922), p. 31-32. * And I saw the Chambers of the Sun and the Moon, where they go out, and where they return. And their glorious return; and how one is more honoured than the other is. And their magnificent course, and how they do not leave their course, neither adding nor subtracting from their course. And how they keep faith in one another, observing their oath. And the Sun goes out first, and completes its journey at the command of the Lord of Spirits - and his Name endures forever and ever. And after this is the hidden, and visible, path of the Moon, and it travels the course of its journey, in that place, by day and by night. One stands opposite the other, in front of the Lord of Spirits, and they give thanks, and sing praise, and do not rest, because their thanksgiving is like rest to them. For the shining Sun makes many revolutions; for a blessing and for a curse. And the path of the journey of the Moon is for the righteous light but for the sinners; darkness. In the Name of the Lord, who has created a division between light and darkness, and has divided the spirits of men, and has established the spirits of the righteous, in the name of His Righteousness. [...] And through that oath the Sun and the Moon complete their course and do not transgress their command, from the creation of the world and for ever. ** [[Enoch]], ''Book of Enoch'' * Fundamental changes in science have always been accompanied by deeper digging toward the philosophical foundations. Changes like the transition from the [[Ptolemy|Ptolemaic]] to the [[Copernican heliocentrism|Copernican]] system, from Euclidean to non-Euclidean geometry, from Newtonian to relativistic mechanics... have brought about a radical change in our common-sense explanation of the world. From all these considerations everyone who is to get a satisfactory understanding of twentieth century science will have to absorb a good deal of philosophical thought. But he will soon feel the same thing holds for a thorough understanding of the science which originated in any period of history. ** {{w|Philipp Frank}}, ''Philosophy of Science: The Link Between Science and Philosophy'' (1957) * Persisting in their original resolve to destroy me and everything mine by any means they can think of, these men are aware of my views in astronomy and philosophy. They know that as to the arrangement of the parts of the universe, I hold the sun to be situated motionless in the center of the revolution of the celestial orbs while the earth revolves about the sun. They know also that I support this position not only by refuting the arguments of Ptolemy and Aristotle, but by producing many counter-arguments; in particular, some which relate to physical effects whose causes can perhaps be assigned in no other way. In addition there are astronomical arguments derived from many things in my new celestial discoveries that plainly confute the Ptolemaic system while admirably agreeing with and confirming the contrary hypothesis. ** [[Galileo Galilei]], {{w|Letter to the Grand Duchess Christina}} (1615) <small> [http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/mod/galileo-tuscany.html Essay] published in 1615, in response to enquiries of [[w:Christina of Lorraine|Christina of Tuscany]], as quoted in ''Aspects of Western Civilization : Problems and Sources in History'' (1988) by Perry McAdow Rogers, p. 53</small> * It may be true that {{w|scientism}} and {{w|evolutionism}} (not science and evolution) are among the causes of atheism and materialism. It is at least equally true that biblical literalism, from its earlier flat-earth and geocentric forms to its recent young-earth and flood-geology forms, is one of the major causes of atheism and materialism. Many scientists and intellectuals have simply taken the literalists at their word and rejected biblical materials as being superseded or contradicted by modern science. Without having in hand a clear and persuasive alternative, they have concluded that it is nobler to be damned by the literalists than to dismiss the best testimony of research and reason. Intellectual honesty and integrity demand it. ** {{w|Conrad Hyers}}, ''The Meaning of Creation: Genesis and Modern Science'' (1984) * Then spake Joshua to the LORD in the day when the LORD delivered up the Amorites before the children of Israel, and he said in the sight of Israel, Sun, stand thou still upon Gibeon; and thou, Moon, in the valley of Ajalon. And the sun stood still, and the moon stayed, until the people had avenged themselves upon their enemies. Is not this written in the book of Jasher? So the sun stood still in the midst of heaven, and hasted not to go down about a whole day. ** [[Book of Joshua]] 10:12-13 * The odd thing about this story is that the heliocentric view was known in Europe long before Copernicus but, for various reasons, was totally ignored by the "established" dogma... All this time all kinds of absurdities were written about the heavens, the celestial spheres, the Empyrean and so on, which constituted the “established” view. And all the time the real knowledge was there and all those schoolmen, could, with some practical observation and sensible application of Mathematics, have found out that the Ptolemaic system was not true. But they did not: they preferred to argue about such weighty matters as how many angles could sit on the point of a pin. And when the proofs were presented to them in black and white, hard and irrefutable mathematical demonstrations, they still rejected them preferring the comforts of the ‘‘established” dogma. Theology (and Church interests) decided what was acceptable, not Mathematics. **"ESTABLISHMENT" OF A VIEW Author(s): N. Kazanas Source: Annals of the Bhandarkar Oriental Research Institute, Vol. 83 (2002), pp. 179-182 * I shall try to sum up the main obstacles which arrested the progress of science for such an immeasurable time. The first was the splitting of the world into two spheres, and the mental split which resulted from it. The second was the [[w:Geocentric model|geocentric dogma]], the blind eye turned on the promising line of thought which had started with the [[w:Pythagoreanism#Astronomical system|Pythagoreans]] and stopped abruptly with [[w:Aristarchus of Samos|Aristarchus of Samos]]. The third was the dogma of uniform motion in perfect circles. The fourth was the divorcement of science from mathematics. The fifth was the inability to realize that a body at rest tended to stay at rest, a body in motion tended to stay in motion. The main achievement of the first part of the [[Scientific Revolution|scientific revolution]] was the removal of these five cardinal obstacles. This was done chiefly by three men: [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]], [[Johannes Kepler|Kepler]] and [[Galileo Galilei|Galileo]]. After that, the road was open to the [[w:Philosophiæ Naturalis Principia Mathematica|Newtonian synthesis]]; from there on the journey led with rapidly gaining speed to the atomic age. ** [[Arthur Koestler]], ''[[w:The Sleepwalkers|The Sleepwalkers: A History of Man's Changing Vision of the Universe]]'' (1959) * [[Pope Benedict XVI|Joseph Ratzinger]] has stood still because as a Bavarian Catholic in the Hellenistic tradition, interpreted in Roman terms, he wanted to stand still. To this degree he represented and represents a different basic model of theology and church, as different from mine as in astronomy [[Ptolemy]]'s geocentric picture of the world is different from [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]]' [[w:Heliocentrism|heliocentric picture]]. ** [[Hans Küng]], ''Disputed Truth: Memoirs'' (2008) Vol. 2, p. 329. * Let us... examine the point on which [[Isaac Newton|Newton]], apparently with sound reasons, rests his distinction of absolute and relative motion. If the earth is affected with an ''absolute'' rotation about its axis, centrifugal forces are set up in the earth: it assumes an oblate form, the acceleration of gravity is diminished at the equator, the plane of [[w:Foucault pendulum|Foucault's pendulum]] rotates, and so on. All these phenomena disappear if the earth is at rest and the other heavenly bodies are affected with absolute motion round it, such that the same ''relative'' rotation is produced. This is, indeed, the case, if we start ''[[wiktionary:ab initio#Adverb|ab initio]]'' from the idea of absolute space. But if we take our stand on the basis of facts, we shall find we have knowledge only of ''relative'' spaces and motions. ''Relatively'', not considering the unknown and neglected medium of space, the motions of the universe are the same whether we adopt the [[w:Geocentric model|Ptolemaic]] or the [[w:Copernican heliocentrism|Copernican mode of view]]. Both views are, indeed, equally ''correct''; only the latter is more simple and more ''practical''. The universe is not ''twice'' given, with an earth at rest and an earth in motion; but only ''once'', with its ''relative'' motions, alone determinable. It is, accordingly, not permitted us to say how things would be if the earth did not rotate. We may interpret the one case that is given us, in different ways. If, however, we so interpret it that we come into conflict with experience, our interpretation is simply wrong. The principles of mechanics can, indeed, be so conceived, that even for relative rotations centrifugal forces arise.<!--pp. 231-232--> ** [[Ernst Mach]], ''[[The Science of Mechanics]]'' (1893) pp. 231-232, a {{w|Thomas J. McCormick}} translation of ''Die Mechanik in ihrer Entwickelung'' [''Mechanics and Its Evolution''] (1883) * The sun, the moon, and the Pleiades run before Him, the stars and the planets are not idle for a single moment; they rest not, they speed before Him as His messengers, going to the right and to the left, to do the will of Him who created them. To Him praise is due, before Him we must prostrate ourselves. ** Mordecai, as quoted in ''Legends of the Jews'' written by Louis Ginzberg (1909) * Talk of the sublime, the exalted, the eternal, the passionate, of glory, challenge, or majesty fills some of us with bewilderment, discomfort, and embarrassment; others with sour resentment or scornful disbelief. To reinstate such values seems to us like trying to reinstate [[Ptolemy|Ptolemaic]] astronomy—equally misguided, incomprehensible, and inimical to our perceived interests. ** [[R. W. K. Paterson]], ''The New Patricians'' (1998), p. 45. * The LORD reigneth, he is clothed with majesty; the LORD is clothed with strength, wherewith he hath girded himself: the world also is stablished, that it cannot be moved. ** Psalms 93:1 * And We made firm mountains in the earth lest it be convulsed with them, and We made in it wide ways that they might follow a right direction. And We have made the heaven a guarded canopy; yet they turn away from its signs. And He it is Who created the night and the day and the sun and the moon. All float in orbits. ** Quran, Chapter 21 (Al-Anbiya) : 31-33 * Glory be to Him Who created pairs of all things, of what the earth grows, and of their kind and of what they know not! And a sign to them is the night: We draw forth from it the day, then lo! they are in darkness; And the sun moves on to its destination. That is the ordinance of the Mighty, the Knower. And the moon, We have ordained for it stages till it becomes again as an old dry palm-branch. Neither sun overtake the moon, nor the night overtake the day. And all float on in an orbit. ** Quran, Chapter 36 (Yasin) : 36-40 * It became clear that our Galaxy is only one system among many, and that the universe is far vaster than the particular stellar system to which the Sun and planets belong. Since then developments have been more rapid than at any time since the days of [[Nicolaus Copernicus|Copernicus]], [[w:Thomas Digges|Digges]] and [[Giordano Bruno|Bruno]] when the [[w:Geocentric model|geocentric hypothesis]] of the cosmos received its death-blow. ** [[Gerald James Whitrow]], "Theories of the Universe" (Apr 10, 1958) ''The New Scientist'' * These seven bodies were the Sun, the Moon, Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn, all of which were documented by the [[w:Babylonian astronomy|Babylonians]] over three thousand years ago. Until the sixteenth century, the most commonly held view was that the Earth was at the centre of the Universe and that the seven bodies revolved around the Earth. ** {{w|Peter Wothers}}, ''Antimony, Gold, And Jupiter’s Wolf How The Elements Were Named'' (2019) p. 2. == See also == * [[Aristarchus of Samos]] * [[Galileo Galilei]] * [[Copernican heliocentrism]] * [[Nicolaus Copernicus]] * [[Cosmology]] * [[History of science]] * [[Johannes Kepler]] * [[Ptolemy]] * [[Scientific Revolution]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.webexhibits.org//calendars/year-text-Galileo.html Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems] (1632) by Galileo Galilei * [http://galileo.rice.edu/sci/theories/ptolemaic%20system.html Ptolemaic System], from [http://galileo.rice.edu/ The Galileo Project], Rice University. [[Category:Astronomy]] [[Category:Cosmology]] [[Category:History of science]] 4pu6t1ajqqtbf3fqvaywas4x53umgsc 0 266040 3954224 3917750 2026-06-18T17:28:28Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Women from Tunisia]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Tunisia]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954224 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Aya Chebbi Speech at the United Nations UN Women 2015, CSW59 - Mar 27, 2015.jpg|thumb|Aya Chebbi Speech at the United Nations UN Women 2015, CSW59 - Mar 27, 2015]] '''[[w:Aya Chebbi|Aya Chebbi]]''' (born 1988) is a Tunisian diplomat, and a [[w:pan-African|pan-African]] and [[w:Feminism|feminist]] activist. She became the first appointed [[w:African Union|African Union]] Envoy on Youth in November 2018. Appointed by the chairperson of the African Union Commission [[w:Moussa Faki|Moussa Faki]] in November 2018, as the youngest senior official in the history of the African Union and youngest diplomat in the chairperson's cabinet. She supports the Chairperson in addressing his thematic priority of working with and for young people and advocate to Silencing the Guns by 2020. ==Quotes== * Find your identity, your true self and live your mission … Your power is your radical self. Find it. ** [https://www.one.org/stories/6-quotes-gender-equality/] === "Aya Chebbi – Biography of an Award-Winning Pan African Feminist and Activist." === :<small>[https://www.entrepreneurs.ng/aya-chebbi/ "Aya Chebbi – Biography of an Award-Winning Pan African Feminist and Activist."], entrepreneurs.ng</small> * We have our own voices. We just need you to listen. * As young people, you do not need permission to participate. You must occupy your space because there is no governance without citizen engagement and youth-led accountability. * We cannot shrink the future of Africa in accepting its reality. * We clearly live in an era where we have the most unequal societies of all time. The rich are becoming richer, the poor are becoming poorer. * When injustice is perceived, young people look upon violent groups as legitimate fighters, not perpetrators of violence. * Africa has the wealth to invest and the clearest path to reducing inequality is investing in African youth, our most important asset. * It is my duty to make sure that young people hold governments accountable for the implementation of the frameworks they signed up for. * I will always push for progressive, more inclusive and more empowered positions for young people across Africa. *Maybe you're this or maybe you’re that.'' I lead with, “You’re African first.'' ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Chebbi, Aya}} [[Category:Women diplomats]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Women activists from Tunisia]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Living people]] n4fttnocl8boj6ri345yryys6of44jh 0 266667 3954220 3944471 2026-06-18T17:26:35Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Sweden]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954220 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Zaida Catalán|Zaida Catalán]]''' (6 October 1980 – 12 March 2017) was a Swedish politician who was a member of the [[w:Green Party (Sweden)|Green Party]] and leader of the [[w:Young Greens of Sweden|Young Greens of Sweden]] between 2001 and 2005. She was known for her work in activism including environmental issues, animal rights, and human rights (including support of Sweden's sex purchase law; see [[w:Prostitution in Sweden|Prostitution in Sweden]]). {{Woman-stub}} {{political-stub}} == Quotes == * I won't back down. I am a politician you can count on. ** [https://www.thelocal.se/20090520/19566 "Zaida Catalán: Getting the vote out for a greener Europe"], ''The Local'' (20 May 2009) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT: Catalán, Zaida}} [[Category:Women politicians in Sweden]] [[Category:Environmentalists from Sweden]] [[Category:Animal rights activists]] [[Category:Human rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Sweden]] [[Category:1980 births]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] [[Category:2017 deaths]] [[Category:Feminists from Sweden]] pfjnwjwzn10jz7ao6ef1e8u1y8yaknm 0 267278 3954225 3473961 2026-06-18T17:29:30Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Women from Rwanda]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Rwanda]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954225 wikitext text/x-wiki '''Claudine Nyirandagijimana''', is a Rwandan female entrepreneur and owner of La Divine International Christian School, a kindergarten and primary school located in Busanza, Kanombe sector, Kicukiro district in Kigali city. She hold Masters in Education graduating in 2019 as an educationalist by profession at Adventist University of Central Africa (AUCA). == Quotes == * I realized that the community didn’t have a school that grooms children with Christian values which will enable to become God-fearing and upright citizens, thus the decision to invest in this kind of education, ** [https://www.ktpress.rw/2021/01/how-psfs-gender-equality-project-opened-womens-business-doors/ HOW PSF’S GENDER EQUALITY PROJECT OPENED WOMEN’S BUSINESS DOORS] ''Kt Press'' (January 18, 2021) * The training is given under the “Promoting Gender Accountability in the Private sector in Rwanda” project. The latter is funded by the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) and implemented by PSF and Gender Monitoring Office to improve gender-responsive governance and entrepreneurship. "This training was like a master key which opened my mind to realize that I can still do business using virtual technology-Webex, which didn’t require a physical classroom but determination to use it as a bridge between teachers, students, and parents, ** [https://www.ktpress.rw/2021/01/how-psfs-gender-equality-project-opened-womens-business-doors/ HOW PSF’S GENDER EQUALITY PROJECT OPENED WOMEN’S BUSINESS DOORS] ''Kt Press'' (January 18, 2021) * “If I had not joined the women chamber, I wouldn’t have gotten such eye-opening skills and business opportunities offered to members,” ** [https://www.ktpress.rw/2021/01/how-psfs-gender-equality-project-opened-womens-business-doors/ HOW PSF’S GENDER EQUALITY PROJECT OPENED WOMEN’S BUSINESS DOORS] ''Kt Press'' (January 18, 2021) * After graduating in Business Administration in 2015, I asked myself as mother and a woman who has been emancipated what can be my contribution to nation building, with my love for children and passionate about education, I looked no further, it was a school, ** [https://rwandadispatch.com/la-divine-international-offering-a-blended-curriculum-for-quality-education/ La Divine International: Offering a blended Curriculum for quality education] ''Rwanda Dispatch'' (April 9, 2022) * I realized that my community didn’t have a school that grooms children with Christian values which will enable them to become God-fearing and upright citizens, thus the decision to make it part of the education at my school, ** [https://rwandadispatch.com/la-divine-international-offering-a-blended-curriculum-for-quality-education/ La Divine International: Offering a blended Curriculum for quality education] ''Rwanda Dispatch'' (April 9, 2022) {{DEFAULTSORT:Nyirandagijimana, Claudine}} [[Category:Women activists from Rwanda]] [[Category:Women stubs]] [[Category:Entrepreneurs]] [[Category:Living people]] nx2gjqfsu1vntwaj22tmgz161g8axwn 0 267492 3954188 3476252 2026-06-18T17:08:29Z UDScott 4304 3954188 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Visit_of_Sima_Sami_Bahous,_Executive_Director_of_UN_Women,_to_the_European_Commission_(2).jpg|thumb|Visit of Sima Sami Bahous, Executive Director of UN Women, to the European Commission (2023)]] '''[[w:Sima Sami Bahous|Sima Sami Bahous]]''' (Arabic: سيما سامي بحوث ; born 26 June 1956) is a Jordanian diplomat and women’s rights advocate and has served as Executive Director of UN Women since 2021. She previously served as [[Jordan]]'s Ambassador to the United Nations from 2016 to 2021. Earlier, she was Assistant Secretary-General of the Arab League in Cairo, [[Egypt]]. == Quotes == * Large gender gaps continue to hinder and impede progress in achieving all goals," ** [https://www.newtimes.co.rw/article/9179/women-deliver/women-achieve-only-60-of-their-full-potential--report Women achieve only 60% of their full potential- report] ''The New Times'' (July 18,2023) * The need for sustained efforts to fulfill the promise of gender equality, secure women's and girls' human rights, and ensure the realization of their fundamental freedoms. ** [https://www.newtimes.co.rw/article/9179/women-deliver/women-achieve-only-60-of-their-full-potential--report Women achieve only 60% of their full potential- report] ''The New Times'' (July 18,2023) * I hope that this is the beginning of a permanent truce and lasting relief for the people of Gaza and all the hostages held by Hamas. * I have been consistent in my briefings to you, in reminding you that women and girls are paying the highest price of conflicts. * I am alarmed by disturbing reports of gender-based and sexual violence. I reiterate my call from when I last spoke in these Chambers in October, that every act of violence against women and girls, including sexual violence, is unequivocally condemned, and must be fully investigated with the utmost priority. * I am reassured that SRSG [Special Representative of the Secretary-General on Sexual Violence in Conflict] Patten has activated the UN Action network that she chairs to proactively share UN-sourced and verified information on incidents, patterns, and trends of conflict-related sexual violence to aid all investigations. * I am confident that there will ultimately be a reckoning for all violations of international humanitarian law and international human rights law in this conflict. The work of the Commission of Inquiry on the Occupied Palestinian Territory, including East Jerusalem, and Israelis is crucial. * I commend the many female staff and volunteers of the Egyptian Red Crescent for their exceptional service in these challenging circumstances. And I welcome the establishment of a new Jordanian field hospital in Khan Younis, notably including female medical staff, such as doctors and nurses, for the first time. This is a significant milestone. * I encourage all donors to increase their allocations, including to UNRWA who remains the only lifeline for thousands of Palestinians. * During my mission I heard unequivocal calls time and time again that we need an “immediate and unconditional ceasefire” I also heard calls from partners across the region that forced displacement or transfer of Palestinians from their land is a red line, that we must ensure the protection of civilians and that we must facilitate unhindered access to aid. I heard calls for an end to occupation, and for concerted progress towards a peaceful, two-state solution. ** [https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/speech/2023/11/speech-now-more-than-ever-we-must-seek-peace Speech: Now more than ever we must seek peace] ''UN Women'' (22 November, 2023) * I suspect I am not unique in finding this one of the lowest moments for the international community and for peace and security that I can recall. But it is precisely at moments such as this that multilateralism is at its most important. This institution, and others of the United Nations, are where we come together to find peace. Our track record is varied. * I welcome last week’s resolution in the Security Council and hope that that will only be the start of greater consensus in the Security Council to find a solution. I call on its immediate implementation. But this resolution, like the more-than 100 resolutions on the so-called Palestinian question since 1948, makes no reference to gender issues. I also welcome the General Assembly resolution passed on October 26th, calling for “an immediate, durable and sustained humanitarian truce leading to a cessation of hostilities”. * I urge you to include the voices of Palestinian and Israeli women working for peace, to recognize their leadership and to call for their meaningful participation in any negotiation efforts. * I call for this truce to be extended to a ceasefire and for the remaining hostages to be released unconditionally. I call for an immediate end to the current siege, beginning with ensuring access to water. * For the sake of women and girls, I leave you with a call for a return to a genuine and purposeful commitment toward a just peace. ** [https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/speech/2023/11/speech-now-more-than-ever-we-must-seek-peace Speech: Now more than ever we must seek peace] ''UN Women'' (22 November, 2023) * Even amid the current crisis, women in Gaza are again showing the power of women’s leadership and their centrality to their communities in the most appalling of circumstances. They are working as first responders and volunteers to try and keep people safe. UN Women pledges our continuing support, including to Palestinian women’s organizations in Gaza, where our long-standing relationships are more important than ever”, ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128728/Egypt-supports-UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Sima-Bahous-against-Israeli-calls-for Egypt supports UN Women’s Sima Bahous against Israeli calls for resignation] ''Egypt Today'' (24November 2023) * With the Sustainable Development Goals, the global community has made a strong commitment to gender equality and women’s empowerment. However, we can see clearly with these new indices that across countries, women’s full potential remains unrealised, and large gender gaps continue to be commonplace, thereby obstructing and slowing progress in the realisation of all the Goals,” ** [https://www.theeastafrican.co.ke/tea/news/east-africa/gender-gaps-inequality-persist-despite-progress-made-4307476 Biases subverting progress in women empowerment] ''The East African'' (July 18,2023) * “Sustained efforts are, therefore, needed to deliver on the promise of gender equality, secure the human rights of women and girls and ensure that their fundamental freedoms are fully realised,” ** [https://www.theeastafrican.co.ke/tea/news/east-africa/gender-gaps-inequality-persist-despite-progress-made-4307476 Biases subverting progress in women empowerment] ''The East African'' (July 18,2023) * Women and girls have just as much right to access the digital world and prosper in it as men and boys. Their creativity, knowledge and perspectives can shape a future where technology contributes to transforming social norms, amplifying women’s voices, pushing forward against online harassment, preventing the perpetuation of algorithmic biases, and distributing the benefits of digitalization as the great equalizer to achieve the Sustainable Development Goals. ** [https://www.newtimes.co.rw/article/5640/opinions/defiant-and-steadfast-for-full-equality-in-the-digital-world Defiant and steadfast for full equality in the digital world] ''The New Times'' (March 10, 2023) * I just returned last night from Egypt and Jordan. There I met with Government, civil society partners, humanitarian workers, and volunteers, all working tirelessly to respond to the suffering of the Gazan people and end the crisis. I commend their efforts to ensure humanitarian aid gets to those in need. I welcome the news that 50 hostages, all women and children, will be released in return for the release of 150 Palestinian women and children, and a much-needed humanitarian pause. I thank the Governments of Egypt, Qatar, and the United States for facilitating this agreement.I hope that this is the beginning of a permanent truce and lasting relief for the people of Gaza and all the hostages held by Hamas.” ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128733/UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Executive-Director-Sima-Bahous-speaks-loudly-on-suffering UN Women’s Executive Director Sima Bahous speaks loudly on suffering of Palestinian people] ''Egypt Today'' (25 November 2023) * I have been consistent in my briefings to you, in reminding you that women and girls are paying the highest price of conflicts. ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128733/UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Executive-Director-Sima-Bahous-speaks-loudly-on-suffering UN Women’s Executive Director Sima Bahous speaks loudly on suffering of Palestinian people] ''Egypt Today'' (25 November 2023) * That is two mothers killed every hour and seven women every two hours. We mourn them all. ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128733/UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Executive-Director-Sima-Bahous-speaks-loudly-on-suffering UN Women’s Executive Director Sima Bahous speaks loudly on suffering of Palestinian people] ''Egypt Today'' (25 November 2023) == External links == {{Wikipedia|Sima Sami Bahous}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bahous, Sima}} [[Category:Women stubs]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Gender equality activists]] [[Category:Gender and society]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists]] gff8gx83noq9jnpdcqd0wswxoesyml0 3954190 3954188 2026-06-18T17:09:41Z UDScott 4304 − 2 categories; + 2 categories; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Jordan]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954190 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Visit_of_Sima_Sami_Bahous,_Executive_Director_of_UN_Women,_to_the_European_Commission_(2).jpg|thumb|Visit of Sima Sami Bahous, Executive Director of UN Women, to the European Commission (2023)]] '''[[w:Sima Sami Bahous|Sima Sami Bahous]]''' (Arabic: سيما سامي بحوث ; born 26 June 1956) is a Jordanian diplomat and women’s rights advocate and has served as Executive Director of UN Women since 2021. She previously served as [[Jordan]]'s Ambassador to the United Nations from 2016 to 2021. Earlier, she was Assistant Secretary-General of the Arab League in Cairo, [[Egypt]]. == Quotes == * Large gender gaps continue to hinder and impede progress in achieving all goals," ** [https://www.newtimes.co.rw/article/9179/women-deliver/women-achieve-only-60-of-their-full-potential--report Women achieve only 60% of their full potential- report] ''The New Times'' (July 18,2023) * The need for sustained efforts to fulfill the promise of gender equality, secure women's and girls' human rights, and ensure the realization of their fundamental freedoms. ** [https://www.newtimes.co.rw/article/9179/women-deliver/women-achieve-only-60-of-their-full-potential--report Women achieve only 60% of their full potential- report] ''The New Times'' (July 18,2023) * I hope that this is the beginning of a permanent truce and lasting relief for the people of Gaza and all the hostages held by Hamas. * I have been consistent in my briefings to you, in reminding you that women and girls are paying the highest price of conflicts. * I am alarmed by disturbing reports of gender-based and sexual violence. I reiterate my call from when I last spoke in these Chambers in October, that every act of violence against women and girls, including sexual violence, is unequivocally condemned, and must be fully investigated with the utmost priority. * I am reassured that SRSG [Special Representative of the Secretary-General on Sexual Violence in Conflict] Patten has activated the UN Action network that she chairs to proactively share UN-sourced and verified information on incidents, patterns, and trends of conflict-related sexual violence to aid all investigations. * I am confident that there will ultimately be a reckoning for all violations of international humanitarian law and international human rights law in this conflict. The work of the Commission of Inquiry on the Occupied Palestinian Territory, including East Jerusalem, and Israelis is crucial. * I commend the many female staff and volunteers of the Egyptian Red Crescent for their exceptional service in these challenging circumstances. And I welcome the establishment of a new Jordanian field hospital in Khan Younis, notably including female medical staff, such as doctors and nurses, for the first time. This is a significant milestone. * I encourage all donors to increase their allocations, including to UNRWA who remains the only lifeline for thousands of Palestinians. * During my mission I heard unequivocal calls time and time again that we need an “immediate and unconditional ceasefire” I also heard calls from partners across the region that forced displacement or transfer of Palestinians from their land is a red line, that we must ensure the protection of civilians and that we must facilitate unhindered access to aid. I heard calls for an end to occupation, and for concerted progress towards a peaceful, two-state solution. ** [https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/speech/2023/11/speech-now-more-than-ever-we-must-seek-peace Speech: Now more than ever we must seek peace] ''UN Women'' (22 November, 2023) * I suspect I am not unique in finding this one of the lowest moments for the international community and for peace and security that I can recall. But it is precisely at moments such as this that multilateralism is at its most important. This institution, and others of the United Nations, are where we come together to find peace. Our track record is varied. * I welcome last week’s resolution in the Security Council and hope that that will only be the start of greater consensus in the Security Council to find a solution. I call on its immediate implementation. But this resolution, like the more-than 100 resolutions on the so-called Palestinian question since 1948, makes no reference to gender issues. I also welcome the General Assembly resolution passed on October 26th, calling for “an immediate, durable and sustained humanitarian truce leading to a cessation of hostilities”. * I urge you to include the voices of Palestinian and Israeli women working for peace, to recognize their leadership and to call for their meaningful participation in any negotiation efforts. * I call for this truce to be extended to a ceasefire and for the remaining hostages to be released unconditionally. I call for an immediate end to the current siege, beginning with ensuring access to water. * For the sake of women and girls, I leave you with a call for a return to a genuine and purposeful commitment toward a just peace. ** [https://www.unwomen.org/en/news-stories/speech/2023/11/speech-now-more-than-ever-we-must-seek-peace Speech: Now more than ever we must seek peace] ''UN Women'' (22 November, 2023) * Even amid the current crisis, women in Gaza are again showing the power of women’s leadership and their centrality to their communities in the most appalling of circumstances. They are working as first responders and volunteers to try and keep people safe. UN Women pledges our continuing support, including to Palestinian women’s organizations in Gaza, where our long-standing relationships are more important than ever”, ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128728/Egypt-supports-UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Sima-Bahous-against-Israeli-calls-for Egypt supports UN Women’s Sima Bahous against Israeli calls for resignation] ''Egypt Today'' (24November 2023) * With the Sustainable Development Goals, the global community has made a strong commitment to gender equality and women’s empowerment. However, we can see clearly with these new indices that across countries, women’s full potential remains unrealised, and large gender gaps continue to be commonplace, thereby obstructing and slowing progress in the realisation of all the Goals,” ** [https://www.theeastafrican.co.ke/tea/news/east-africa/gender-gaps-inequality-persist-despite-progress-made-4307476 Biases subverting progress in women empowerment] ''The East African'' (July 18,2023) * “Sustained efforts are, therefore, needed to deliver on the promise of gender equality, secure the human rights of women and girls and ensure that their fundamental freedoms are fully realised,” ** [https://www.theeastafrican.co.ke/tea/news/east-africa/gender-gaps-inequality-persist-despite-progress-made-4307476 Biases subverting progress in women empowerment] ''The East African'' (July 18,2023) * Women and girls have just as much right to access the digital world and prosper in it as men and boys. Their creativity, knowledge and perspectives can shape a future where technology contributes to transforming social norms, amplifying women’s voices, pushing forward against online harassment, preventing the perpetuation of algorithmic biases, and distributing the benefits of digitalization as the great equalizer to achieve the Sustainable Development Goals. ** [https://www.newtimes.co.rw/article/5640/opinions/defiant-and-steadfast-for-full-equality-in-the-digital-world Defiant and steadfast for full equality in the digital world] ''The New Times'' (March 10, 2023) * I just returned last night from Egypt and Jordan. There I met with Government, civil society partners, humanitarian workers, and volunteers, all working tirelessly to respond to the suffering of the Gazan people and end the crisis. I commend their efforts to ensure humanitarian aid gets to those in need. I welcome the news that 50 hostages, all women and children, will be released in return for the release of 150 Palestinian women and children, and a much-needed humanitarian pause. I thank the Governments of Egypt, Qatar, and the United States for facilitating this agreement.I hope that this is the beginning of a permanent truce and lasting relief for the people of Gaza and all the hostages held by Hamas.” ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128733/UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Executive-Director-Sima-Bahous-speaks-loudly-on-suffering UN Women’s Executive Director Sima Bahous speaks loudly on suffering of Palestinian people] ''Egypt Today'' (25 November 2023) * I have been consistent in my briefings to you, in reminding you that women and girls are paying the highest price of conflicts. ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128733/UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Executive-Director-Sima-Bahous-speaks-loudly-on-suffering UN Women’s Executive Director Sima Bahous speaks loudly on suffering of Palestinian people] ''Egypt Today'' (25 November 2023) * That is two mothers killed every hour and seven women every two hours. We mourn them all. ** [https://www.egypttoday.com/Article/1/128733/UN-Women%E2%80%99s-Executive-Director-Sima-Bahous-speaks-loudly-on-suffering UN Women’s Executive Director Sima Bahous speaks loudly on suffering of Palestinian people] ''Egypt Today'' (25 November 2023) == External links == {{Wikipedia|Sima Sami Bahous}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bahous, Sima}} [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Gender equality activists]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Jordan]] [[Category:Ambassadors]] [[Category:Women diplomats]] 234ndr9mdtd6xyhotizi8zibqiivvxo 0 267853 3954221 3899138 2026-06-18T17:27:03Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Women from Gambia]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Gambia]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954221 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Isatou Ceesay|Isatou Ceesay]]''' (born 1972) is a Gambian activist and social entrepreneur, popularly referred to as the ''Queen of Recycling.'' She initiated a recycling movement called ''One Plastic Bag in the Gambia''. Through this movement, she educated women in The Gambia to recycle plastic waste into sellable products that earned them income. {{women-stub}} {{activist-stub}} == Quotes == === "'Queen of Recycling’ Isatou Ceesay fights plastic pollution in The Gambia" (2023) === :<small>[https://www.lifegate.com/queen-of-recycling-isatou-ceesay-fights-plastic-pollution-in-the-gambia "'Queen of Recycling’ Isatou Ceesay fights plastic pollution in The Gambia"], ''Lifegate Daily'' (30 March 2023)</small> * I started seeing a lot of people indiscriminately dumping their garbage at the back of their houses and in the street. The problem was '''only getting worse''' and other than just looking ugly, the waste piles were also causing other issues in my community. * We plucked plastic bags from trash piles and took them home together with my four friends. We washed the bags, dried them, cut them into strips, and crocheted them into bags. Other people made fun of us but '''we never gave up''', we just pressed on, knowing that we were doing it for a good cause. * My entrepreneurship spirit has since helped to '''empower many women''' through providing them with the means and support to generate an income, now they’re able to care for their families. == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Wikidata|Q73130258}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Ceesay, Isatou}} [[Category:1972 births]] [[Category:Women activists from Gambia]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Gender equality activists]] [[Category:Climate change activists]] byyexmnl7oik1fctb9bpbjj1z9w5pfw 2 272181 3954132 3855847 2026-06-18T12:37:28Z Ziv 3115402 ([[c:GR|GR]]) [[File:Logo UEFA Champions League.png]] → [[File:UEFA Champions League logo.png]] → File replacement: changing the name of a duplicate file ([[c:c:GR]]) 3954132 wikitext text/x-wiki ==MY USER PAGE == #Name: [[wikipedia:Elias Fortaleza da Fuerza|Elias Fortaleza da Fuerza]]. #Date Of Birth: Sunday June 29, 2008. #Siblings: [[wikipedia:Elisha Chukwunenye|Elisha Chukwunenye]](Younger twin brother) , [[wikipedia:Michael Chukwunenye|Michael Chukwunenye]] and [[wikipedia:Misheal Chukwunenye|Misheal Chukwunenye]] #Language(s) Spoken: [[wikipedia:english|English]], [[wikipedia:spanish|Spanish]], [[wikipedia:french|French]]. #Like(s)/Hobby(ies): Football[[File:FIFA series logo (2010–2020).svg|thumb|FIFA series logo (2010–2020)]][[File:UEFA Champions League logo.png|thumb|Logo UEFA Champions League]], Reading, Playing, Eating. #Hate(s): Foolishness, Stupidity, Idiots. #Favorite Sport(s)/Game(s): Football #Favorite Team(s): [[wikipedia:F.C. Barcelona|F.C. Barcelona]][[File:2014. Camp Nou. Més que un club. Barcelona B40.jpg|thumb|2014. Camp Nou. Més que un club. Barcelona B40]][[File:034 Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper, Futbol Club Barcelona (Sant Joan Despí) (cropped).jpg|thumb|034 Ciutat Esportiva Joan Gamper, Futbol Club Barcelona (Sant Joan Despí) (cropped)]], [[wikipedia:Atletico Madrid|Atletico Madrid]][[File:Estadio Metropolitano - Atlético de Madrid - Escudo en el césped - September 2022.jpg|thumb|Estadio Metropolitano - Atlético de Madrid - Escudo en el césped - September 2022]][[File:Estadio Metropolitano - Atlético de Madrid - Septiembre 2022.jpg|thumb|Estadio Metropolitano - Atlético de Madrid - Septiembre 2022]] and [[wikipedia:Liverpool|Liverpool]] [[File:Anfield stadium (Liverpool) panorama view from main stand.jpg|thumb|Anfield stadium (Liverpool) panorama view from main stand]]. #Favorite Player(s): [[wikipedia:Antoine Griezmann|Antoine Griezmann]][[File:Antoine Griezmann 2018.jpg|thumb|Antoine Griezmann 2018]] [[File:Suisse - France 2016 - Griezmann (crop).png|thumb|Suisse - France 2016 - Griezmann (crop)]], #Project(s): Creating a new language called [[wikiversity:Draft:Romanice|Romanice]]; learning how to speak [[wikipedia:italian|Italian]], [[wikipedia:latin|Latin]], [[wikipedia:romanian|Romanian]], [[wikipedia:galician|Galician]], [[wikipedia:corsican|Corsican]] and [[wikipedia:catalan|Catalan]]. #You can e-mail via -» el.eye.jah7@gmail.com. dkl8kt3hdsr25ylbwe7dlgo2nk3guu9 0 272585 3954344 3953189 2026-06-19T02:35:21Z Dronebogus 3078761 /* VJ Emmie */ 3954344 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Flag of Uganda.svg|thumb| Who Killed Captain Alex: the [[Ugandan]] first action-packed movie.]] [[File:Un-uganda.png|thumb|Uganda is crazy!]] '''''[[w:Who_Killed_Captain_Alex?|Who Killed Captain Alex?]]''''' is a 2010 Ugandan action comedy film written, produced, and directed by [[w:Isaac Godfrey Geoffrey Nabwana|Isaac Godfrey Geoffrey Nabwana]] (I.G.G.). The film is about a war in [[w:Kampala|Kampala]] between the Ugandan military, led by Captain Alex, and the Tiger Mafia. : ''Directed and written by Nabwana I.G.G.'' {{center|'''EXPECT THE UNEXPECTABLE'''}} == VJ Emmie == * Who Killed Captain Alex: the [[Ugandan]] first action-packed movie. *''[Scene shows a flooded abandoned backlot]'' The pearl of Africa! * Ugandan [[Bruce Lee]]. We call him - Bruce U. * [''mocking woman''] Will you marry me? [''mocking Alex''] I prefer men. [''woman''] What? No! * Everybody in [[Uganda]] knows kung fu! * [''mocking soldiers''] I'm making German food. ''[as different soldier]'' German food? ''[as different soldier]'' We found [[Germans|German]] tourists. We are cooking them. ''[as different soldier]'' Oh. Very, very good. Save me the head... like [[Predator (film)|Predator]]! *''[a woman is being tortured]'' She was caught watching [[w:Cinema of Nigeria|Nigerian movies]]. This is Uganda, we watch Wakaliwood! *One hell of a movie! *''[Scene shows a field full of birds]'' '''''Dinosaurs.''''' * ''[Describing a low-quality computer generated helicopter]'' Ugandan Ghetto Air Force *The man is killing us, man! Press the bomb, over. Drop the bomb man! * I hope you enjoyed Captain Alex. And be sure, tell everyone... that Uganda is crazy! == Richard == * Then '''who killed Captain Alex'''? Who?! * [''talking to corrupt official''] You can't intimidate me. And know this, you diarrhea squirt: I will get my brother back. * Bitch. How dare you still live? *I have dozens of wives, but only one brother. == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{IMDb title|id=1813757}} * {{youTube|BymeLkZ7GqM|title=''Who Killed Captain Alex?'' original trailer}} * {{youTube|KEoGrbKAyKE|title=''Who Killed Captain Alex?'' full movie}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=who_killed_captain_alex|title=Who Killed Captain Alex?}} [[Category:2010 films]] [[Category:Luganda-language films]] [[Category:Action comedy films]] [[Category:Cult films]] [[Category:War films]] [[Category:Films about organized crime]] 2vjh928pfr1arjxvq14wbuq6cup37zk 0 272594 3954149 3926675 2026-06-18T14:46:20Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Quotes */ 3954149 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. ** [https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf] == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] 8scyu73u1n6eurvd8ymss1rg6wo4rll 3954150 3954149 2026-06-18T14:53:27Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Quotes */ 3954150 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. *The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. ** [https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf] == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] 30epqcajcx5vtfvkk3cz8f26jclchgy 3954151 3954150 2026-06-18T14:55:08Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Quotes */ 3954151 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. *The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. *For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. ** [https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf] == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] chaxlzeikxyck5nux8v2o0x3kjg9bky 3954152 3954151 2026-06-18T14:56:08Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Quotes */ 3954152 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. *The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. *For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. *...The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. ** [https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf] == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] dpevc12mimbp5y2nzr1xbp4jpo5j9l9 3954155 3954152 2026-06-18T15:08:34Z UDScott 4304 /* Quotes */ 3954155 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) === "A Life of Learning" (1989) === :<small>[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins Lecture, American Council of Learned Societies (April 6, 1989)</small> * Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. * The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. * For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. * The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] jxyqteows4em0bokd1oefqqwi5ku4me 3954170 3954155 2026-06-18T15:58:16Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* "A Life of Learning" (1989) */ 3954170 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) === "A Life of Learning" (1989) === :<small>[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins Lecture, American Council of Learned Societies (April 6, 1989)</small> * Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. * The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. * For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. * The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. * I certainly prefer frank and independent students to ingratiating... == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] qintx29404go67e6xzlf83cqako55r5 3954172 3954170 2026-06-18T15:58:58Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* "A Life of Learning" (1989) */ 3954172 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) === "A Life of Learning" (1989) === :<small>[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins Lecture, American Council of Learned Societies (April 6, 1989)</small> * Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. * The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. * For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. * The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. * I certainly prefer frank and independent students to ingratiating and flattering ones... == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] 0lo703nnl72tpz8lfy0f2cea2d4ntrz 3954173 3954172 2026-06-18T16:01:08Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* "A Life of Learning" (1989) */ 3954173 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) === "A Life of Learning" (1989) === :<small>[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins Lecture, American Council of Learned Societies (April 6, 1989)</small> * Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. * The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. * For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. * The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. * I certainly prefer frank and independent students to ingratiating and flattering ones... And I fear that the students who so readily attach themselves to idols lose their education along with their independence. == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] 4s5eo6hporjav4f4rehatyzxi34j159 3954174 3954173 2026-06-18T16:03:59Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* "A Life of Learning" (1989) */ 3954174 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) === "A Life of Learning" (1989) === :<small>[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins Lecture, American Council of Learned Societies (April 6, 1989)</small> * Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. * The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. * For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. * The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. * I certainly prefer frank and independent students to ingratiating and flattering ones... And I fear that the students who so readily attach themselves to idols lose their education along with their independence. * Apart from the early establishment of representative democracy and the persistence of slavery, which do give it a special character, American political thought is just an integral part of modern history as a whole. == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] i406bx1i7lfhb8u3z3ayzb762fug2ma 3954176 3954174 2026-06-18T16:06:10Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* "A Life of Learning" (1989) */ 3954176 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Judith N. Shklar|Judith Nisse Shklar]]''' (September 24, 1928 – September 17, 1992) was a philosopher and [[w:political theorist|political theorist]] who studied the history of political thought, notably that of the [[Age of Enlightenment|Enlightenment period]]. She was appointed the John Cowles Professor of Government at [[Harvard University]] in 1980. == Quotes == * It is, however, not only undignified to idealize political victims; it is also very dangerous. One of our political actualities is that the victims of political torture and injustice are often no better than their tormentors. They are only waiting to change places with the latter. Of course, if one puts cruelty first this makes no difference. It does not matter whether the victim of torture is a decent man or a villain. No one deserves to be subjected to the appalling instruments of cruelty. ** ''Ordinary Vices'' (Belknap Press of Harvard University Press, 1984) === "A Life of Learning" (1989) === :<small>[https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1989_JudithNShklar.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins Lecture, American Council of Learned Societies (April 6, 1989)</small> * Any hierarchical and competitive society, such as Harvard, is likely to generate a lot of gossip about who is up and who is down. It puts the lower layers in touch with those above them, and it is an avenue for malice and envy to travel up and down the scale. When I became sufficiently successful to be noticed, I inevitably became the subject of gossip, and oddly I find it extremely objectionable. I detest being verbally served for dinner by academic hostesses, so to speak, and I particularly resent it when my husband and children are made into objects of invasive curiosity and entertainment by them. * The male colleague who cannot argue with a female colleague without losing his temper like an adolescent boy screaming at his mother, and the many men who cannot really carry on a serious professional conversation with a woman, are just as tiresome as those who bad-mouth us overtly. * For me, personally, the new era for women has not been an unmixed blessing. It is not particularly flattering to be constantly exhibited as the "first" woman to have done this or that, just like a prize pig at a country fair. * The idea of joining a movement and submitting to a collective belief system strikes me as a betrayal of intellectual values. * I certainly prefer frank and independent students to ingratiating and flattering ones... And I fear that the students who so readily attach themselves to idols lose their education along with their independence. * Apart from the early establishment of representative democracy and the persistence of slavery, which do give it a special character, American political thought is just an integral part of modern history as a whole. * I took it as my starting point that the willful infliction of pain is an unconditional evil and tried to develop a liberal theory of politics from that ground up. == Quotes about Shklar == * Shklar’s was a liberalism motivated not by a ''summum bonum'', an ultimate good, but by a ''[[Thomas Hobbes|summum malum]]'', an ultimate evil, something to be avoided: namely, cruelty and the fear it inspires. Liberalism’s emphasis on restraint, she argued, should be motivated by the distinctive political evil of living in fear of state violence and cruelty. This was how liberalism could ensure it remained anti-statist in the right way: focused on the most dangerous branches and uses of state power, without giving up on state authority to restrain private cruelty as well. ** Jacob T. Levy. "Who’s Afraid of Judith Shklar? Meet the American philosopher who showed that Western politics could only move forward by first taking a step backward."[REVIEW] ''Foreign policy'' (2018) == External links == * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Shklar, Judith}} [[Category:Jews from the United States]] [[Category:Jewish atheists]] [[Category:Jewish feminists]] [[Category:Political scientists from the United States]] [[Category:Philosophers from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:University of Cambridge faculty]] [[Category:MacArthur Fellows]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Women scientists from the United States]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:1992 deaths]] [[Category:Women born in the 1920s]] [[Category:Women from Latvia]] qm9d6giyryz7ktrz58o7udu0mf8cqv4 0 273426 3954366 3510875 2026-06-19T09:00:31Z Apisite 3043558 /* Quotes */ Added a new Quotation by Paul A. Goble 3954366 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|Karelia}}''' (Karelian and Finnish: Karjala [ˈkɑrjɑlɑ]; Russian: Каре́лия, romanized: Kareliya [kɐˈrʲelʲɪjə], historically Коре́ла, Korela [kɐˈrʲelʲə]; Swedish: Karelen [kɑˈreːlen]) is an area in Northern [[Europe]] of historical significance for Russia (including the Soviet era), [[Finland]], and [[Sweden]]. It is currently divided between northwestern [[Russia]] (the federal subjects of the Republic of Karelia and Leningrad Oblast) and Finland (the regions of South Karelia, North Karelia, and the eastern portion of Kymenlaakso). {{geography-stub}} ==Quotes== * No one in Finland aspires to occupy Petrozavodsk, but many Finns, but not parliamentary parties, speak about their desire for a return of the territories Moscow occupied. Helsinki officials know that Russia isn’t about to give these areas back and that, if it did, it would cost the Finns enormous amounts of money to bring those areas up to Finnish standards. ** {{w|Paul A. Goble}}, [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2019/07/finns-and-russians-dont-mean-same-thing.html "Finns and Russians Don’t Mean the Same Thing when Each Talks about ‘Return of Karelia,’ Region.Expert Says"], ''Window on Eurasia'' (July 27, 2019) * Residents of Kurkiyoki, a 1,000-person village in Karelia, say that they have not had water for more than three weeks because of problems with the pipeline carrying it to them and add that the ruling United Russia party has blocked the republic parliament from discussing their plight and then addressing it. ** {{w|Paul A. Goble}}, [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2026/06/united-russia-deputies-block-karelian.html "United Russia Deputies Block Karelian Parliament from Discussing Problems of Karelian Village whose Water Supply has Been Cut Off for Almost a Month"], ''Window on Eurasia'' (June 16, 2026) ==See also== * [[Karelian proverbs]] ==External links== * {{commonscat-inline}} * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{wiktionary-inline|Karelia}} [[Category:Regions of Europe]] 567wvom7ymj489yuqg15lvdjqqkq9np 0 275387 3954384 3948769 2026-06-19T11:24:04Z ~2026-35821-64 3343597 /* You Who Cannot See, Think of Those Who Can [2.04] */ 3954384 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Euphoria (American TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[Euphoria (American TV series)/Specials|Specials]] [[Euphoria (American TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[Euphoria (American TV series)|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:Euphoria (American TV series)|Euphoria]]''''' (2019–present) is an American [[w:teen drama|teen drama]] television series on [[w:HBO|HBO]], created by [[w:Sam Levinson|Sam Levinson]] starring [[Zendaya]]. [[File:Euphoria promotional logo.svg|thumb|Every time I feel good, I think it'll last forever, but it doesn't.]] === ''Trying to Get to Heaven Before They Close the Door'' [2.01] === :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Fezco's grandma was a motherfuckin' G. And even though she wasn't like, the best guardian... she taught him everything he knew about life. He didn't really know much about his mom. His grandma never really liked to talk about her, except to occasionally say... :'''Marie''': ''[to young Fez]'' Your mom had a pure heart. But your daddy always took advantage of that. Let me tell you somethin', Snowflake. There's a short supply of kindness in this world. People sniff it out... and they swoop right the fuck in. Don't ever fall in love. It's the one instinct you can't trust. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fezco''': So did you, like, have a good Christmas, or are you Jewish or somethin'? :'''Lexi''': Yeah, well, my mom's Jewish, but she always says, "If the Christians can steal Christmas from the pagans, then the Jews can also." :'''Fezco''': You say the Christians stole Christmas? :'''Lexi''': Well, in order to convert the Germanic pagans who, like, celebrated winter solstice and stuff, the Christians were like, "Fuck it. Let's just say Jesus was born this day, and you can hang tinsel and stuff." :'''Fezco''': How you just go and change the man's birthday? :'''Lexi''': Well, in the same way King James was rewriting the Bible on one side of the castle, and had witches trying to turn his pee into gold on the other. :'''Fezco''': Yo, how the fuck do you know all this? :'''Lexi''': I don't know, by reading. :'''Fezco''': Do you, like, not believe in God? ''[Lexi shakes her head]'' Damn, Lexi... You fuckin' fearless. :'''Lexi''': Thanks. Do you believe in God? :'''Fezco''': Hell yeah, I believe in God. :'''Lexi''': Like, there's a man sitting in the clouds... judging all of your actions and stuff? :'''Fezco''': Hell yeah. :'''Lexi''': Can I ask you a personal question? :'''Fezco''': What's up? :'''Lexi''': How do you justify dealing drugs, then? :'''Fezco''': Well, I mean, my Uncle Carl got diabetes from eatin' too much McDonald's. You don't see nobody goin' after they ass. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, but if I were God, I don't know if I'd let McDonald's CEO in Heaven. I'd be like, "Fuck that guy." :'''Fezco''': Yeah, that's a good point. I have to get back to you on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nate and Cassie are having sex in the bathroom when Maddy knocks on the door]'' :'''Nate''': I'm using the fucking bathroom! :'''Maddy''': Nate? :'''Nate''': ''[covers Cassie's mouth with his hand]'' Shh! ''[to Maddy]'' Uh, just a sec! Hold on! ''[Maddy knocks on the door again]'' Yo, just a minute! :'''Maddy''': Open the fucking door, Nate! I have to pee! :'''Nate''': ''[to Cassie]'' Are you fuckin' crying? :'''Maddy''': Can you open the door? :'''Nate''': ''[tries to calm Cassie down]'' Shh, there's no fuckin' reason to cry. You haven't been caught. :'''Maddy''': I have to pee, Nate! Open the door! :'''Nate''': ''[to Cassie]'' Calm down and put your clothes on. :'''Cassie''': ''[whispering]'' I can't... She's my best friend. :'''Maddy''': Open the door! I need to pee! :'''Nate''': I'm just usin' the bathroom! Just a second! Fuckin' pee outside! :'''Maddy''': ...Are you taking a shit at a party? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jules''': How you doing? :'''Rue''': I'm good. :'''Jules''': When did you relapse? :'''Rue''': [[w:Cannabis (drug)|Just fuckin' weed]], Jules. :'''Jules''': Like, when did you relapse? :'''Rue''': You want me to be honest? :'''Jules''': Yeah. :'''Rue''': The night you left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': Jules? I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to be mean. I don't know, I'm just having a tough time, you know? I just really miss you. :'''Jules''': I really miss you, too. :'''Rue''': I know that I never, uh, I never really said it before, but I want to be with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fezco''': Hey, where'd you go? I was startin' to miss you. :'''Lexi''': That's not true. :'''Fezco''': Why would I lie? You're, like, the coolest person in here. :''...'' :'''Fezco''': Yo, I gotta cut soon, but... I just wanna tell you that... talkin' to you was one of the best parts of my whole year. :'''Lexi''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, right. :'''Fezco''': Why you always doin' that shit? :'''Lexi''': What? :'''Fezco''': I don't know, like, doubtin' yourself and shit. :'''Lexi''': Oh, I don't know. Do I do that? :'''Fezco''': Mmm, kinda. Yo... Can I, like, get your phone number or somethin'? === ''Out of Touch'' [2.02] === :'''Nurse''': I'm sorry but 17-year-olds can't [[w:Circle Surrogacy#Egg donation services and Everie egg bank|donate eggs]]. :'''Maddy''': That's fucking retarded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': She liked the kid she babysat for, but what she loved the most was... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': If he tells Jules we did drugs, I'll kill him in the quad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Hey. :'''Maddy''': Hi, how was your night? :'''Woman''': It was fun, uh, nice to be drunk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': I feel like I would look so sexy pregnant. :'''Kat''': Maddy, please do not get pregnant. :'''Maddy''': I wouldn't wear any of those nasty maternity clothes. I would just be me, plus pregnant. :'''Barbara''': Remember when I got pregnant? :'''Maddy''': Yes, and it would be nothing like that. :'''Barbara''': Well, speaking of baby daddies, I seen the photo that Ethan posted to you. It's cute as fuck. :'''Maddy''': Yeah, Kat, stop flaunting your healthy, non-abusive, wonderful relationship. It's actually triggering. :'''Kat''': Yeah, he's, um, really sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viking''': ''[appears in bathroom doorway after slaying Ethan in Kat's fantasy]'' Killing makes me hard. :'''Kat''': He was the love of my life. :'''Viking''': He was a weakling. :'''Kat''': No, not totally. He doesn't deserve a woman like you. :'''Viking''': Come on. :'''Kat''': What are you doing? :'''Viking''': Preparing to conquer you. ''[proceeds to [[w:List of A Song of Ice and Fire characters#Khal Drogo|have vigorous doggy-style intercourse on her bed]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Ethan made plans with Kat to go bowling that night. Kat was depressed because she couldn’t figure out why she didn’t love Ethan. So she decided to make a list of pros and cons. But she couldn’t think of anything, which made her realize Ethan might not be the problem. :'''Kat''': Mmm. ''[mimics shooting herself in the head and falls aside]'' :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Kat hated herself. But the problem with hating yourself is you can’t really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won’t shut the fuck up about it. :'''Influencer Amanda LaCount''': ''[in an online tutorial video]'' It’s not gonna solve all your life problems, but it is gonna solve... ''[Kat closes laptop]'' :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': ''[standing in bathroom doorway]'' Kat. You’re one of the bravest, most beautiful human beings I have ever seen. :'''Kat''': ''[with her mouth full]'' That’s not true. :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': Yes, it is. I wish I had your confidence. :'''Kat''': But I don’t, like... feel healthy. :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': Yes, you are. :'''Kat''': No, like... seriously. I’m not. :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': Kat, you just have to love yourself. :'''Kat''': But that’s what I’m trying to tell you! I fucking hate myself! :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Every day you get out of bed... it’s an act of courage. :'''Kat''': That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have, like, fucking mental problems. :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Yes, I do. Why do you think I look like this? :'''Kat''': Are you kidding? I wish my mental problems made me look like you. :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Trust me, you don’t :'''Kat''': Trust me, I do! You’re like the most beautiful person I’ve ever fucking seen. :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Maybe by a white, cis-male, heteronormative standard. :'''Kat''': ''[lies in bed and covers face with pillow]'' Oh, my God! Are you fucking joking?! :'''Influencer Bree Kish''': ''[rips pillow off and yells]'' Kat! Are you fucking serious?! That’s not you fucking talking! It’s the patriarchy! :'''Kat''': It is me talking! You are not listening! :'''Influencer Bree Kish''': No! Society puts things into your mind! :'''Kat''': I don’t care about society! I feel like shit! :'''Influencer Eden Rose''': Kat, you need to smash all beauty standards! :'''Kat''': But I can’t even get out of bed! :'''Influencer Annie Hsu''': You have to love yourself. :'''Influencer Jackie Winn''': You need to find your inner fuckin’ warrior! :'''Influencer Chloe Bunce''': Become a bad bitch! :'''Influencer Amanda LaCount''': Just like you did last year! :'''Kat''': But that wasn’t even real. :'''Influencer Jewell Farshad''': It looked real. :'''Kat''': That was the point! :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': I found it inspiring. :'''Kat''': ''[gets up out of bed]'' Shut the fuck up! :'''Influencer Group''': ''[chanting, repeatedly swarming and following Kat]'' Love yourself...! :'''Kat''': ''[goes into the bathroom, shouts with influencers following her, shouting and pointing]'' Leave me alone! Get the fuck out! :''[Kat glances at phone and sees a text message from Ethan: "Be there in 20 mins". She looks up and notices that all influencers disappeared.]'' :'''Kat''': Fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': ''[answers phone to Nathan]'' Hey. Uh, nothing just... depressed in the bath... bowling? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' It's one thing to dislike your parents. It's not like you have a choice. But if you dislike your kid, well, that's sort of your fault. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': And like with Jules, right? Like, when I first met her, I was just immediately in love. :'''Elliot''': In love? :'''Rue''': Yeah. When you say it out loud, it kind of sounds small. :'''Elliot''': What's a bigger feeling than love? :'''Rue''': Loss. :'''Elliot''': You think? :'''Rue''': Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I don't know, maybe that's what it was, right? Like, as soon as I saw her, I was just immediately afraid to lose her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' The problem with hating yourself is you can’t really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won’t shut the fuck up about it. === ''Ruminations: Big and Little Bullys'' [2.03] === :''[Lexi notices Cassie doing her makeup in their bathroom in the middle of the night]'' :'''Lexi''': Why are you awake at 4 AM? :'''Cassie''': Why are ''you'' awake at 4 AM? :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Cassie decided to wake up at 4 AM that morning to get ready for school. She needed to clear her head. And for those three hours she spent getting ready… she only thought about one thing. There was also something refreshing about the amount of time she was putting into herself. She loved the ritual, the attention to detail... the anxiety and excitement she felt in her stomach. And even if Nate pretended not to notice her. It was her way of telling him that she was his. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elliot''': True or dare? :'''Jules''': Dare. :'''Elliot''': Yo, Jules. I dare you to take a piss in the middle of the street. :'''Jules''': Alright. ''[gets out vehicle]'' Sure, yes! ''[Elliot chuckles]'' Gender-fuck me, please! :'''Elliot''': Wow! :'''Rue''': Jules! :'''Elliot''': Wow! :'''Jules''': Okay, all right! :'''Rue''': Oh, shit! :'''Elliot''': Ohh. :'''Rue''': ''[Jules starts pissing]'' Oh. Okay, Jules. ''[Elliot chuckles]'' :'''Elliot''': ''[laughs when a vehicle is oncoming]'' Hey! Car! ''[motorist honks]'' :'''Jules''': Oh... my God. ''[turns to face Elliot's vehicle]'' :'''Elliot''': ''[repeatedly]'' No...! :'''Rue''': ''[repeatedly]'' Not on the car...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethan''': ''[walks up to jock and two friends]'' Hey, look, I, uh, I noticed the way that you’ve been lookin’ at me you know, past couple days, and I... I wanted you to know, I too, I’m into scat play, and if you wanted to, like, poop on each other– :'''Jock''': What the fuck?! :''[The jocks shout and chase Ethan]'' :'''Ethan''': Oh shit, oh shit, oh! :'''Elliot''': Oh, my God. :'''Jock''': I’ll fuckin’ kill you, goddammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': If I were a genius, I’d figure out a way to do drugs for free. What if I am a genius? I’m a fuckin’ genius, Fez. :... :'''Fezco''': Is that so? :'''Rue''': It is fuckin’ so because I came up with an amazing fuckin’ plan. :'''Fezco''': And what would that be, Rue? :'''Rue''': All right, so [''clears throat''] ...all you would have to do is front me, like, $5,000 worth of drugs, okay? And– :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no. :'''Rue''': Okay, well, before you say no, you kind of have to let me finish, right? :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no. :'''Rue''': Okay, why do you keep saying that? :'''Fezco''': I did not like the way that the plan started. :'''Rue''': Okay, well, you have to let me finish the fucking plan. :'''Fezco''': No. :'''Rue''': Yes. You– :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no, Rue. :'''Rue''': Fuck it. I give up. Whatever. I’ll just take my fuckin’ business elsewhere. It’s your fuckin’ loss, man. :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elliot''': ''[loitering in hallway with Rue]'' That’s a good-ass plan. :'''Rue''': Thank you. Fuckin’ Fez didn’t even wanna hear it. :'''Elliot''': Why not? :'''Rue''': Ego shit, man. ''[to Lexi in hallway putting up flyers over [[w:Oklahoma!|the official "Oklahoma" play production]] calling for auditions of her original play also entitled Oklahoma]'' Yo, Lex, what're you doin'? :'''Lexi''': Oh, just putting up fliers for this play I'm doing. :'''Rue''': What play? ''[V.O.]'' The only thing is... Lexi hadn't told anyone about the play... including Cassie. :'''Lexi''': I'd actually love for you to read it. ''[aloud]'' Yeah, for sure. Just, uh, send it to me. ''[enters washroom]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[enters washroom]'' Hey, Rue-Rue. :'''Rue''': Hi, Cass. Wait, are you in the play? :'''Cassie''': What play? :'''Rue''': Lexi's play. :'''Cassie''': What do you mean, Lexi's play? :'''Rue''': Uh, the play that Lexi wrote. :'''Lexi''': "Oklahoma". :'''Cassie''': What? :'''Rue''': The play's called "Oklahoma"? :'''Lexi''': No, the drama club's doing "Oklahoma." :'''Cassie''': Oh my god. Do I look like I'm in "Oklahoma"? :'''Rue''': Why would your play be set in Oklahoma? :'''Cassie''': ''[facing Rue with Lexi making a slash throat (meaning; stop talking) gesture behind her]'' You thought I was auditioning for "Oklahoma"? :'''Rue''': I haven't read it, so... :'''Cassie''': ''[Lexi frantically makes waving gestures (meaning; ''PLEASE'' stop talking) behind her]'' Are you making fun of me, or did you actually think I was auditioning for "Oklahoma"? :'''Maddy''': ''[walks up with Kat]'' Why the fuck would you audition for "Oklahoma"? :'''Cassie''': I'm not! :'''Maddy''': Then why the fuck do you look like you're auditioning for "Oklahoma"? :'''Cassie''': Do I? :'''Kat''': Yes. :'''Cassie''': Has everyone read "Oklahoma" but me? :'''Kat''': "Oklahoma"'s not like a play you read. :'''Cassie''': Rue, are you on drugs? :'''Rue''': Yes. :'''Kat''': You relapsed? :'''Cassie''': Wait, what?! :'''Rue''': Oh, I've just... nah, I've [[w:cannabis|just been smokin' a little bit of weed]]. :'''Kat''': Wait, I don't understand. If you're not auditioning for "Oklahoma," then why do you look like that? :'''Cassie''': Like what?! :'''Maddy''': Like a country music star. :'''Cassie''': In a good way or a bad way? :'''Maddy''': Bitch, you better be joking. Are you okay, Cass? :'''Cassie''': No! Yes, fuck it! I am in love with Nate Jacobs and he is in love with me! And don't you fucking give me that look, Maddy, because I didn't fuck your boyfriend! You two were broken up for three weeks and three days before we even had sеx, so I didn't betray you! Plus, you guys are terrible for each other and you know I'm right and you guys can all judge me ''[turns head over left shoulder to Rue then back at Maddy and Kat]'' if you want, but I do not care! I have never, ever been happier! :'''Rue''': But she didn't say that. In fact, it was much weirder. She just stared straight ahead like she's doing now and didn't say a word. :'''Maddy''': I think being single's really stressing you out. :'''Cassie''': No, I don't think so. :'''Maddy''': I hate it. :'''Cassie''': Really? :'''Maddy''': Yeah. I think Nate really fuckеd me up. ''[Theo gasps]'' I said, "Messed me up." :'''Cassie''': No, you didn't. :'''Maddy''': What do you mean? :'''Cassie''': I keep trying to figure out if I feel worse now than I did when I was with Nate. I mean, you were really unhappy. :'''Maddy''': Like, I remember how the good parts felt. But when it was bad, was it really that bad? Or am I just telling myself that because I'm lonely and bored? :'''Cassie''': No, you... you deserve someone who's passionate and loving. Who yearns for you, and, and can't wait to see you, who... who you're not gonna fight with, and just who's gonna love you. Like... really, truly love you. :'''Maddy''': Yeah... I don't know. Do me a favor... when you get older, don't be an asshоlе to girls you like. Okay. ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal''': I know you and your drug addict friend. That girl... who tried to extort my son. :'''Fezco''': What? :'''Cal''': Because of what I did to her friend. :'''Fezco''': The fuck are you talkin' about, man? :'''Cal''': You know, the blonde. :'''Fezco''': Who? Jule? :'''Cal''': ''[sighs]'' Look, man. I didn't know she was 17. :'''Fezco''': You tellin' me you had sex with Jule? :'''Faye''': Who's Jule? :'''Fezco''': What the fuck, man? :'''Faye''': Do I know Jule? :'''Fezco''': The fuck are we even talkin' about right now, bro? :'''Faye''': Jule... Jule, Jule. :'''Cal''': I just want the disc. :'''Fezco''': What disc?! :'''Cal''': Of Jule and I. :'''Fezco''': Yo, you recorded that shit?! :'''Cal''': I didn't know. :'''Fezco''': You didn't know that you were recording? :'''Cal''': I fucked up. :'''Fezco''': Obviously, man! Yo, who the fuck even told you I gave a shit about this anyway? :'''Cal''': My son. :'''Fezco''': Your son? The one that's in love with Jule? :'''Faye''': Aw, that's cute. :'''Fezco''': That's not cute, man. What the fuck? :'''Cal''': What? :'''Fezco''': What kinda weird-ass father-son shit is goin' on around here, bro? :'''Cal''': ...I'm extremely confused. :'''Fezco''': You're confused? ''I'm'' fuckin' confused, bro! :'''Faye''': Me, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': Now as a beloved character that a lot of people are rooting for, I feel a certain responsibility to make good decisions. ''[side-eye into camera]'' But I relapsed. In all fairness, I did say in the beginning I had no intentions of staying clean. But I get it. Our country's dark. And fucked up. And people... just want to find hope. :'''Ethan''': Somewhere. :'''Rue''': Anywhere. And if not in reality, then in television. Unfortunately, I'm not it. ''[takes a sip of cough medicine directly from bottle]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ali''': I've always accepted you for who you are: The good, the bad, and the ugly. Don't tell me to shut the fuck up. I'm not some parent you can just treat like shit. :'''Rue''': Yeah, well, good thing nobody's really lookin' to you to be a fuckin' parent. :'''Ali''': Yo! Excuse me? ''[uncomfortable pause]'' Excuse me?! ''[scoffs]'' When I sit across from you and tell you somethin' about my life, you don't get to use that shit against me. You cross that line again, we're done. You talk back right now, we're done. One more fuckin' disrespectful word outta your mouth and we're done, you hear me? HEY! YOU HEAR ME?! :'''Rue''': Or what, Ali? You gonna hit me? === ''You Who Cannot See, Think of Those Who Can'' [2.04] === :'''Jules''': Does that feel okay? :'''Rue''': Yeah, it feels amazing. :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' I don't think you understand how much I love Jules. The only problem is, I [[w:narcotic|took so many narcos]], I literally can't feel a fucking thing. :'''Jules''': Is there anything you want me to, like... do differently? :'''Rue''': Nah, nah. It's amazing. :'''Jules''': Rue, you keep saying that. :'''Rue''': I know, 'cause this is amazing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': I feel like you ruined me forever. :'''Nate''': Why does it sound romantic when you say it like that? :'''Maddy''': I love you. :'''Nate''': I love you, too. :'''Maddy''': Why did you love me? :'''Nate''': I still love you. :'''Maddy''': But why? :'''Nate''': 'Cause you're smart and cruel... but not really. :'''Maddy''': Not really smart? :'''Nate''': Not really cruel. :'''Maddy''': It's funny you say that because it's something that I didn't really realize until after we broke up. Did you know that I loved you? I'm not talking about obsession or fighting or fucking. I'm talking about love. Did you feel loved by me? :'''Nate''': I don't know. :''[Cut to Cassie sitting on Nate's bed while Nate is in the bathroom]'' :'''Nate''': But you knew I had feelings for Maddy. :'''Cassie''': But I didn't know you were gonna get back together with her. :'''Nate''': How many times do I have to tell you that we're not back together? :'''Cassie''': Right, you just hung out and talked about love. :'''Nate''': Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. :'''Cassie''': If I would've known you were gonna get back together, I wouldn't have done this. :'''Nate''': That's a lie! :'''Cassie''': It's not a lie! :'''Nate''': You have this image of yourself as so fuckin' sweet and innocent... but it's bullshit. If you were a fuckin' sweet person, you wouldn't have fuckеd your best friend's boyfriend. :'''Cassie''': You two were broken up. :'''Nate''': That is a comfort to nobody but you. :'''Cassie''': I can't do this! :'''Nate''': What, you wanna go tell Maddy? :'''Cassie''': Maybe I will. :'''Nate''': You're afraid that I'm still in love with Maddy, so you're gonna do whatever the fuck it takes to destroy that. This isn't about being a fucking good person, Cassie, or being a fucking good friend. This is about you getting what you want. ''[pause]'' You can fucking leave, or you can get into bed. It's up to you. :'''Cassie''': You know what you don't realize, Nate? Is I don't care what happens to me. I don't care how angry Maddy gets. You two shouldn't be together. You're toxic. :'''Nate''': How would you know? :'''Cassie''': Because she's my best friend, and I'm in a relationship with you. She's not good for you, you're not good for her, and I will do everything I can to prevent it. :'''Nate''': Maddy, that's literally fucking insane! ''[Cassie gasps]'' Madd... Cassie, I s– :'''Cassie''': See?! This is what I'm talking about! :'''Nate''': I–I said Maddy because we're talking about how ''fucking'' crazy Maddy is, which you can't seem to fuckin' comprehend! :'''Cassie''': No! What you don't understand, Nate, is '''I AM CRAZIER!''' :'''Nate''': That's not something to be fuckin' proud of, Cassie! :'''Cassie''': No... but it is something you should be scared of. :'''Nate''': What the fuck? What the fuck!? You can't fucking blackmail me into a relationship with you! :'''Cassie''': Blackmail means you don't have choices. But in reality, you ''do'' have choices. You just have to own up to the consequences of them! :'''Nate''': That is the LITERAL FUCKING DEFINITION OF BLACKMAIL! If you don't do this, I'm gonna do that! That is blackmail! :'''Cassie''': Fine, it's blackmail! I don't care! It doesn't change anything!! :'''Nate''': It's fuckеd up! :'''Cassie''': You know what's fuckеd up, Nate?! You telling me that you love me, and then going and being in a relationship with my best friend! :'''Nate''': ...OH, WHAT THE '''FUCK?!''' WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! '''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!''' :'''Cassie''': ''[calmly]'' Okay. Bye. :'''Nate''': ''[sighs when Cassie leaves the bedroom]'' For fucking... :''[Cassie walks down the stairs as Nate tries to stop her from leaving]'' :'''Nate''': Cassie, stop. I love you. :''[Cassie pauses for a moment, then continues walking downstairs. Nate punches the wall in anger.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cal returns home extremely drunk and starts urinating on the floor. His wife, Marsha, comes out of their upstairs bedroom and sees him.]'' :'''Marsha''': Are you–Are you peeing? Okay, Cal, wh–what is wrong with you? :'''Cal''': I think I’m lonely. :'''Marsha''': What? :'''Cal''': I think I’m lonely. :'''Marsha''': Okay, look, could you please put your penis away? :'''Cal''': No. :'''Marsha''': Cal, I’m not gonna ask you again. Put your penis away. :'''Cal''': I am who I am. :''[Nates's brother, Aaron, is awakened by the sounds of Cal and Marsha's argument and comes out of his own bedroom]'' :'''Aaron''': Oh, fuck. Mom, what’s goin’ on? :'''Marsha''': Okay. Cal, put your dick away. :'''Aaron''': Yo, Dad, what the fuck are you doing? :'''Cal''': I’m sorry. ''[laughing]'' I was just–I was just telling your mother that I think I’m very lonely. :'''Aaron''': Okay, but, like, can you put your fuckin' dick away? :'''Marsha''': ''[pause; Cal laughs again]'' Okay, Cal. Cal, this is not funny. :''[Nate comes out with the rest of his family]'' :'''Nate''': What’s goin' on? :'''Aaron''': Dad’s standing in the foyer with his dick out. :'''Nate''': ''[shields his eyes; to Cal]'' What the fuck are you doing? :'''Marsha''': I don’t know. :'''Cal''': You know what you three assholes are looking at? The man with no name. :'''Aaron''': What? What the fuck are you even saying? Yo, what the fuck is going on, guys? :'''Cal''': I’m a rogue. I march to the beat of my own drum. You guys should’ve seen me tonight. I don’t know if you would’ve been proud, but… ya might’ve been impressed. :'''Marsha''': Cal, listen to me. I think you need to see a doctor. Alright? You’re not–You’re not you. :'''Cal''': No, Marsha. That’s where you’re wrong. I am 100% me. :'''Marsha''': Okay, you’re scaring me now. :'''Cal''': You know why? ‘Cause I’m a man. I’m an animal. I’m a motherfuckin’ Rottweiler. ''[sighs]'' You know how many men I’ve fucked? :'''Aaron''': What?! :'''Marsha''': Cal, stop it. :'''Cal''': Aaron– :'''Marsha''': Cal, please. Please stop. :'''Cal''': Do you know how many men I’ve fucked? :'''Aaron''': Dad, why are you saying this? :'''Cal''': Guess. :'''Aaron''': I–I don’t understand. Like, what the fuck is going on? :'''Cal''': I had sex with a man for the first time… when you… were in your mama’s belly. :'''Aaron''': Dad, why the fuck are you saying these things? Like, have you lost your fucking mind? You’re talking about fucking men in front of Mom when I was... What? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Who the fuck are you? :'''Cal''': Here’s the funny thing… ''[pause; zips his pants up]'' If I said tonight that… I went to the strip club, and I… ''[slaps Marsha's ass; chuckles heartily]'' picked up a real grade-A piece of ass–huge tits, shaved pussy–and I fucked the shit outta her in my truck… you wouldn’t be one-tenth as appalled as you are right now. You wouldn’t be standing here saying, “Dad, what are you talkin’ about?” You’d be like, “Dad, don’t say that in front of Mom.” ''[points at Aaron and Nate]'' Fuck you… Fuck you. You’re a bunch of fucking hypocrites. I’m a man. I’ll fuck whoever I want, whenever I want. I’ll fuck men, I’ll fuck women, I’ll fuck transsexuals, and I’ll have a mighty fine time doin' it. I eat what I kill. :'''Marsha''': I’m going to bed. :''[Cal follows Marsha upstairs]'' :'''Cal''': I’m a f*ggot… sexist, chaser, pig fuckin’ creep, and I love it. Living a double life? Not my biggest regret. ''[beat; points at Nate]'' You are. But let’s be honest, we all live double lives. Don’t give me that look, Marsha. You got that shoebox full of love letters that camp counselor used to write you. You saved them. Flirting on Facebook… ''[stutters]'' I–I get it. It feels good to know that you were loved by somebody other than just me. I’m not standing here looking at you like, “How could you?” :''[Marsha says nothing to Cal, walks back to her bedroom and closes the door]'' :'''Cal''': I mean, we all have secrets. ''[looks at a framed picture of his family and takes it off the wall]'' Aaron? The porn on your fucking computer made my jaw drop. Marsha, come back. You saw it. Your mother’s the one who showed me. Don’t talk to me about secrets. Watching eight people cum on one person’s face, gang-bangs, fucking cum-funnels, fucking pissing in people’s asses. Jesus fuckin' Christ, man. I got problems, you got problems. You know, I was kind of uptight when I met your mother. She was a freak… and a fuckin’ fox. Marsha… you were a fuckin’ fox! ''[pause]'' Nathaniel… Your whole fucking life’s a secret. A mystery. ''[walks downstairs to the foyer]'' Who knows about you? I have lived with you. I have raised you. I am your father. I know nothing about you. ''[brief pause]'' That’s not true. I know that you’re angry. I’m so sorry I fucked you up with my double life. ''[laughs]'' Okay, maybe, I took mine to the extreme. I’ll admit that, but… I have a problem. But the reason I have a problem is this family. That’s why. I’m not allowed to form an emotional connection... and I’m an emotional guy. You fuckers backed me into a corner. But you know what? I think you’ve set me free. So… this is farewell. I left you with a little… ''[points at puddle of urine with his foot]'' memory of me here on the floor of the foyer. ''[to Aaron and Nate]'' You… two dickwads can draw straws to see who cleans it up. I’ll see you assholes later. :''[Cal leaves the house, taking the picture frame with him]'' === ''Stand Still Like the Hummingbird'' [2.05] === :'''Leslie''': ''[enraged]'' '''''I RAISED YOU!'' I DID! OKAY?! AND YOU ''DON'T EVER FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT!''''' ''[calms down]'' You're not a good person, Rue. ''[Rue grins and chuckles]'' You smiling? Really? You're proud of that? :'''Rue''': You know what’s a shame, Mom? My dad’s dead. Kinda keeps you from admitting what a shit fuckin’ mother you are. ''[scoffs]'' “Oh, poor Leslie. Her daughter’s an addict, but, you know, her dad did die.” :''[Rue walks into Gia's bedroom]'' :'''Rue''': You hear that, Gia?! You hear that? I don’t wanna put too much pressure on you, but you’re probably gonna have to be a fuckin’ neurosurgeon, or maybe an astronaut because if not, then Mom is zero for fuckin’ two. And that means that it might actually just be her fuckin’ fault. :'''Gia''': Rue, stop! :'''Rue''': Yeah, that means, maybe, ''she actually fucked up!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rue continues searching for the suitcase with the pills]'' :'''Rue''': Tell me where they are, Mom! Fuck! ''[screams]'' Where did you fucking put them?! I know they’re fucking in here, Mom! I know they’re in here! What did you do with them?! What did you do?! Where the fuck are they? What did you do with them? :'''Jules''': We flushed them down the toilet. :''[Rue stops in her tracks and hurries into the dining room, where Jules and Elliot are seated]'' :'''Leslie''': You look embarrassed, Rue. You embarrassed ’cause Jules just heard everything you said? Don’t cry. Own that shit. Own what you just said. :'''Rue''': ''[whispers]'' Fuck you. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, okay. I see what the fuck is going on here. Well, first thing’s first, Elliot here is a fucking addict... so if he tells you anything fucking different, he’s a liar and a fucking snake. Fuck you! :'''Jules''': He cares about you– :'''Rue''': This doesn’t fucking concern you, Jules. :'''Jules''': Yes, it does– :'''Rue''': No the fuck it doesn’t! :'''Jules''': Yes, it does. :'''Rue''': How?! :'''Jules''': ‘Cause I don’t want you to kill yourself. :'''Rue''': You’re a fucking rat! :'''Jules''': You were lying to me. :'''Rue''': Yeah, so you go tell my fuckin’ mom?! :'''Jules''': I didn’t know what else to do. :'''Rue''': And why the fuck would you say anything? ''[scoffs]'' You are fucking dead to me. :'''Jules''': You don't mean that. :'''Rue''': I fucking mean every fucking word. You're dead to me, Jules. :'''Jules''': I don't believe you. :'''Rue''': You and me? We're fucking done. There is nothing fucking there any more. Nothing... fucking... there. You know, I got a lot of regrets in my life. But gotta tell you, Jules. Meeting you... has gotta be at the top of my fucking list. ''[pause; Jules tears up]'' Oh, now you wanna fucking cry? Now you wanna fucking cry? Yeah, you’re a fucking vampire. You just go around fucking sucking the fucking spirit out of everyone! You like that shit... makes you feel good. :'''Jules''': You know that’s not true. :'''Rue''': It is fucking true. It’s all about fucking Jules, right? And you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You just act all fucking innocent, like you’re this fucking sweet little angel. This innocent, sweet, little fucking angel who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. You know what the fuck you’re doing! :'''Jules''': I love you. :'''Rue''': No the fuck you don’t. You love being ''loved!'' You’re a fucking greedy whore who just likes sucking the life out of people. And it fucking hurts, Jules! :'''Jules''': I love you. :'''Rue''': No, you don’t. Stop saying that! You don’t love me! You fucking left me… when I fucking needed you. You fucking left me... when I was at my fucking lo... ''[breathes heavily]'' You fucking left me at my fucking lowest! And a real fucking friend, someone who fucking loves you, wouldn’t do some shit like that, Jules! :'''Jules''': I love you and I wanna help you. :'''Rue''': If you wanna help me, uh, you can honestly–You can just stay out of my fucking life. Forever. ''[chuckles]'' That would be great because, honestly, looking at you makes me physically fucking ill! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': You wish I was different? So do I! You fucking hate me?! So do I! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Rue finishes cleaning herself up in the Howards' bathroom, she sees everyone, including her mother, downstairs staring at her]'' :'''Rue''': Oh, fuck. It'll never fuckin' end. :'''Leslie''': This can’t make you feel good, Rue. Living like this. Lying to the people you love, being mean to the people you love. This can’t make you feel good about yourself. :'''Rue''': I don’t care. Just fuckin' leave me alone, please. :'''Leslie''': I know you’re in pain. :'''Rue''': You have no fucking idea, Mom. :'''Leslie''': Let’s get back into the car, and let me take you to the hospital. :'''Rue''': I can't get clean, I can't do that shit forever. :'''Cassie''': You don't have to. Just take it one day at a time. ''[looks around the room for approval and is mostly met with awkward nods]'' :'''Suze''': ''[whispers]'' Yeah. :'''Rue''': Hey, Cass? :'''Cassie''': Yeah? :'''Rue''': I have a quick question for you. :'''Cassie''': What? :'''Rue''': How long have you been fucking Nate Jacobs? :'''Cassie''': ''[sheepishly laughs]'' Wh–What? What–What are you talking about?! :'''Rue''': How long have you been fucking Nate? :'''Cassie''': I'm not. ''[laughs nervously]'' What? I'm not. :'''Maddy''': ''[looks at Kat in confusion; to Rue]'' What are you talking about? :'''Rue''': Oh, I just... I–I saw her get in his truck, and then, kiss him and drive off. That was, like–What, like, uh... Uh, like a month ago? :'''Cassie''': Uh... :'''Maddy''': ''[to Cassie]'' Are you kidding me? :'''Cassie''': Uh... :'''Kat''': Cass, that's, like... really bad. :'''Maddy''': You're fucking Nate? Are you kidding me? :'''Cassie''': No, I... I don't even know why she would say that! :'''Maddy''': You're lying! :'''Suze''': Yeah, can we just table this conversation? :'''Kat''': ''[to Maddy]'' Okay, let's go– :'''Maddy''': No, no. You expect me to stand here next to my best friend who's been lying to me about fucking my ex-boyfriend?! I'm ''literally gonna get violent!'' :'''Kat''': Okay, no. Let's just... :'''Suze''': No, there is no need to get violent, okay? Because we are having an intervention! Stop it! :'''Leslie''': ''[to Rue]'' I'm begging you. Let's just get into the car. :'''Rue''': Mom... I can't. :'''Kat''': Let's just talk– :'''Maddy''': ''[sees Cassie tearing up]'' Oh, you're crying?! :'''Kat''': No... Maddy! :'''Maddy''': You're fucking crying, you fucking bitch?! :'''Kat''': Maddy, come on! :'''Maddy''': ''[gets in Cassie's face]'' You're the one who's hurt?! You're the most self-centered, idiotic person I have ever fucking met! You fuck ''my'' ex, and you're fucking crying?! Are you ''fucking kidding me?!'' :'''Kat''': Let's just do this later. :'''Leslie''': Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit who's fucking who, okay? If you're gonna keep talking about it, get out of the room! :'''Suze''': Yeah, absolutely. You're being an animal... :'''Lexi''': ''[to Cassie]'' Do you wanna go on a walk? :'''Suze''': ...right now to my girl. :'''Cassie''': I don't even know why you're believing her! She's a drug addict! :'''Maddy''': How long have you been fucking him? Be honest. :'''Kat''': Maddy, let's just do it later. :'''Maddy''': Kat, shut the fuck up! ''[to Cassie]'' How long have you been fucking him?! Rue! :'''Leslie''': ''[to Rue]'' Listen, let's just get into the car, okay? :'''Maddy''': When was this? :'''Rue''': Right after New Year's. :'''Maddy''': Oh... ''You dumb fucking bitch.'' I'm gonna ''fuck you up!'' :''[Cassie starts running up stairs with Maddy, Kat and Suze in pursuit. During the commotion, Rue sneaks out of the Howards' house.]'' :'''Maddy''': Don't fucking run away from me, you stupid bitch! :'''Suze''': Why are you guys... Come on! :'''Leslie''': ''[notices Rue has left]'' Rue? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Laurie''': You wanna know a funny thing about me? I don't think I've ever gotten angry in my entire life. :'''Rue''': Really? :'''Laurie''': Well, I don't know if that's true. Is that true? ''[ponders for a second]'' Yeah, no. That's true. I've never gotten angry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Laurie''': You know, a doctor once told me they did brain studies on people who've done a lot of opiates, and that over time all the chemicals in your brain that make you happy and feel good start to decrease because your body's getting it artificially. But the longer you use, it just starts to weaken and wither, kinda like a limb that's not getting blood to it anymore. And then it just sort of falls off, and you get something called cell death where you just have these big dead spots in the parts of your brain that used to make you happy. No matter what you do, you can never get it back. He said it's basically the same brain as people who've had major strokes. But the silver lining is that the things that don't feel good don't feel as bad anymore. You know, if I was going through withdrawal, I would do anything. It's one of the good parts of being a woman: Even if you don't have money, you've still got something people want. :'''Rue''': I think I'm gonna be sick. === ''A Thousand Little Trees of Blood'' [2.06] === :'''Rue''': Even if I got clean today, no one would forget the trauma of me not being clean. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': I think I actually wanna murder her. :'''Kat''': I get it. :'''Maddy''': No, like, actually plan a murder and carry it out. :'''Kat''': I get it. :'''Maddy''': Like a grisly murder. One that shocks the nation. :'''Kat''': [''Casual tone''] I think that's more than understandable. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rue calls Ali to apologize to him]'' :'''Ali''': Hello. :'''Rue''': Ali? It’s, um–It’s Rue. :'''Ali''': What do you want, Rue? :'''Rue''': Um... I just wanted to, uh, call you and tell you that, um... I just wanted to call you and tell you that I’m sorry for what I said. Um... and I really regret it. Uh... I just-I never should’ve said that. :'''Ali''': Rue. :'''Rue''': And I’m sorry. I’m sorry. :'''Ali''': Rue! Listen to me. I forgive you. :'''Rue''': You do? :'''Ali''': I do. :'''Rue''': ''[sniffling]'' How do you know that I mean it? :'''Ali''': Because the hour is certain to come. So we must forgive graciously. :'''Rue''': ''[crying]'' Thank you. ''[shuddering cries]'' Thank you. === ''The Theater and Its Double'' [2.07] === :'''Maddy''': Wait, is this fucking play about us? <hr width="50"/> :'''Fezco''': I still don't understand what the play is actually about though. :'''Lexi''': It's about friendship. :'''Fezco''': Well, that's nice. Everybody's gonna love that. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, I–I mean, I hope so. I just... I keep second-guessing myself and getting anxious. Like, if people are gonna think that it's good or bad, or if it's gonna upset people or not. :'''Fezco''': But why would anyone be upset by it? :'''Lexi''': Oh, you know, it's–it's based on real people. :'''Fezco''': Yeah, you really strokin' the bee's nest with that one. :'''Lexi''': Am I? :'''Fezco''': I mean... if someone invited me to a play, and... they didn't even tell me I was a character in it? I'd definitely have some questions. :'''Lexi''': Like, bad questions? :'''Fezco''': Depends on the play. :'''Lexi''': Well, would you be upset by it? :'''Fezco''': It depends on the play. :'''Lexi''': Right. :'''Fezci''': And the intentions of the person who made the play. :'''Lexi''': My intentions are good. :'''Fezco''': Then you ain't got nothin' to worry about. :'''Lexi''': But... what if they think my intentions aren't good when in reality they are good? :'''Fezco''': Well, that's what I call a quandary. <hr width="50"/> :'''Lexi''': Eww, God. What? Did someone die in this dress? Smells like shit. <hr width="50"/> :'''Leslie''': You broke me. Completely broke me. I give up. Hey... you wanna kill yourself doing drugs? Go ahead. I'm not gonna stand in your way. :'''Rue''': So I can do drugs? :'''Leslie''': Yeah. :'''Rue''': Anything I want? :'''Leslie''': The world's your oyster. :'''Rue''': Mom, are you fucking with me right now? :'''Leslie''': No. If you wanna fry every last brain cell in your head, go ahead. ''[pause; Rue laughs]'' What? :'''Rue''': What? :'''Leslie''': That's exciting to you, huh? :'''Rue''': What? :'''Leslie''': Being a crackhead. :'''Rue''': I just feel like there's a catch here. :'''Leslie''': I can't convince you that your life is important. You're gonna have to make that decision on your own. You'll be 18 soon... and outta my house. And you're gonna make whatever decisions you're gonna make. I'm taking you off my plate. :'''Rue''': Okay. :'''Leslie''': I'm gonna focus on Gia. :'''Rue''': Yeah, but she's fine, though. :'''Leslie''': She's been getting D's in math. :'''Rue''': Yeah... :'''Leslie''': She's been in detention three times in the past two weeks. And every morning, when I go into her room to make sure she's awake, she already up... on the phone. And I know she's not getting any sleep. But if you say she's fine... I'll just take your word for it. :'''Rue''': I didn't know any of that. :'''Leslie''': Why would you? You only ever think about yourself. :'''Rue''': That's not true, Mom. :'''Leslie''': If I have to choose between losing one daughter or two, I'mma fight to save her. :'''Rue''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' No, that's fair. <hr width="50"/> :''[Cassie is hiding in her bedroom closet after Maddy learns the truth about her affair with Nate. Maddy bangs repeatedly on the door.]'' :'''Maddy''': Open the fucking door, Cassie! Open the door and tell me it was worth it! You owe me that! ''[tries opening the closet door]'' Open the fucking door, Cassie! What kind of fucking friend are you? What the fuck?! ''[pause]'' This isn't about Nate. This is about you and me and our friendship. And if you wanna throw it away, then fine. 'Cause I don't wanna be fucking friends with you. :'''Kat''': Come here, babe. Let it go. :'''Maddy''': I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of it. He put me through hell and now he's with my fucking best friend? Like, what the fuck?! :'''Kat''': It's fuckеd up. :'''Maddy''': When is it gonna end? :'''Kat''': It's fuckеd up. :'''Maddy''': ''[to Cassie]'' Open the fucking door, Cassie! Open the fucking door! :'''Kat''': She's not gonna open it. Let's just go. :'''Maddy''': Open the door! ''[bangs on the door]'' :'''Kat''': Maddy, come on. :'''Maddy''': ''[to Cassie]'' You're a fucking coward. You're a fucking coward, and I would've never done this to you! I would've ''never'' done this to you! <hr width="50"/> :''[Nate gets offended by the homoerotic jock dance number in Lexi's play]'' :'''Cassie''': Nate...? :'''Nate''': Why the fuck are they laughing? That shit is so fuckin' homophobic. :''[Nate gets up and leaves the auditorium. Cassie quickly follows him.]'' :'''Cassie''': Babe, I'm so sorry. I had no idea Lex– :'''Nate''': She's your fuckin' sister! :'''Cassie''': No, I– :'''Nate''': You know what? Pack your shit, get the fuck outta my house. I'm fuckin' done. === ''All My Life, My Heart Has Yearned for a Thing I Cannot Name'' [2.08] === :'''Lexi''': Do you ever think about the future? :'''Fezco''': Yeah, all the time. :'''Lexi''': Really? :'''Fezco''': Yeah. :'''Lexi''': Like you have a plan? :'''Fezco''': I mean, I don’t–I don’t got, like, a plan-plan, but I be thinkin' about livin' on a farm, you know? :'''Lexi''': I don’t really see you as a farmer. :'''Fezco''': Yeah, fuck it. Get some horses, cows, pigs, chickens, goats. Have a little family. Like some “Little House on the Prairie” type shit, you know? :'''Lexi''': ''[pause]'' I don’t know if I know that show. :'''Fezco''': You never heard of ''Little House on the Prairie''? :'''Lexi''': Okay, this might sound kinda crazy, but my plan is to have, like, three kids at 30. Like, each one a year and a half apart. So from 30 to 58, I can focus on, you know, being a good mom and raising my kids, etcetera, etcetera. And then, drop the last one off at college at 58, which will give me, like, 32 years to focus on me and live my life and take my time with writing. :'''Fezco''': I mean, you really got this shit all figured out, huh? :'''Lexi''': Yeah. ''[laughs]'' It’s kinda crazy, right? :'''Fezco''': I mean… they got three kids in that show. There’s no need to forget your manners just because we’re hundreds of miles from civilized folk. :'''Lexi''': If you lived in a place like this, do you think you’d have a gun? :'''Fezco''': Hell yeah, I’d own a gun. :'''Lexi''': I hate guns. :'''Fezco''': Nobody’s ever got shot at and thought to theyself, “Whoa! Thank goodness we didn’t have a gun to shoot back.” You know? :'''Lexi''': Yeah, but then what are the police for? :'''Fezco''': Fucked if I know. Shit. :'''Lexi''': Wait, are you on Instagram or Twitter? :'''Fezco''': Hell no. :'''Lexi''': Really? Why? :'''Fezco''': Well, why would I want anybody knowin’ what I’m thinkin’ or feelin’? :'''Lexi''': I don’t know. You can connect with people who have similar interests. :'''Fezco''': Mmm... I just feel like people be sharin’ way too much on there. :'''Lexi''': Online? :'''Fezco''': Yeah. They be ruinin’ the mystery, you know? Like, say if I like a girl. I wanna find out what she’s about on my own, you know? I don’t wanna Google the scraps. I wanna peel back the layers. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, but, like, why would you wanna waste time getting to know someone… if you don’t have anything in common with them? :'''Fezco''': I don’t know. That’s what I like about you the most, though. Like… we don’t really have nothin’ in common. :'''Lexi''': That’s not true. We both… have the same sense of humor, and… are empathic and curious. And wanna have, like, kids. :'''Fezco''': Those aren’t interests, you know. Those are real character traits. That’s the important shit that people don’t post online. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, I never thought about it that way. :'''Fezco''': Well, aren’t you glad that we became friends? :'''Lexi''': Yeah… very much so. :'''Fezco''': Yeah, me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Lexi, I’m gonna fucking kill you! ''[walks on stage]'' I deserve this, right? Because I’ve actually lived a life? I’m the one who takes risks? I’m the one who falls in love?! I’m the one who gets hurt, not you, Lexi! You never even fucking lived! That’s why you’re able to stand up here and judge all of us! You’re just a fucking bystander! ''[scoffs when the audience boos her]'' Oh, okay... Well, if that makes me a villain, then so fucking be it. I can play the fucking villain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Lexi, is this the part of the play where I steal Jake from Marta? :'''Lexi''': No, Cassie, that’s not in the play. :'''Maddy''': It is now! :''[The audience jeers]'' :'''Suze''': Who said that? :'''Hallie''': Look, I wanna say, I get it. :'''Cassie''': Oh, God… :'''Hallie''': I understand what you’re going through. :'''Cassie''': I do not wanna hear from you. :'''Hallie''': I lived it. :'''Girl in the Audience''': Wait, Hallie steals Marta’s boyfriend? :'''Cassie''': I don’t know how many times I have to say this. They were not fucking together. :'''Maddy''': Yeah, not only that, but she was fucking him the entire time Marta was talking about getting back together with him. :'''Girl in the Audience''': No… Why? :'''Maddy''': Because Hallie is a two-faced cunt. :'''Cassie''': I’m not a cunt! You’re the cunt! :'''Maddy''': You’re the fucking cunt, bitch! :'''Cassie''': I am not a fucking cunt. :'''Suze''': Language, missy! ''[pause]'' Okay. Okay, you know what? You’re just fucking embarrassing yourself. Let’s go home. :'''Cassie''': I’m not going home. The play’s not over. :'''Lexi''': Oh, my God. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nate confronts Cal at the warehouse he's been living in]'' :'''Nate''': You know what I think we have in common? When we both get off on hurting other people. What do you think? :'''Cal''': You wanna talk about this upstairs? :'''Nate''': No. ''[beat; knocks on table]'' So, you living here now? :'''Cal''': For the moment, yeah. :'''Nate''': You happy? :'''Cal''': I’m figuring it out. :'''Nate''': ''[pause]'' Are you happier? :'''Cal''': Why don’t we go talk about this upstairs? :'''Nate''': It’s a simple question. :'''Cal''': Yes… In some ways. :'''Nate''': That’s not fair. :'''Cal''': I know. :'''Nate''': You don’t get to ruin our lives... and then, just... move on and get to be happier. :'''Cal''': I’ve made a lot of mistakes. :'''Nate''': ''[to Cal's lovers]'' When I was eleven years old… I found these videos of my dad fucking hookers in a motel room. You know, for the longest time, I had this recurring nightmare, just over and over… and in it, he was fucking me the way that he fucked them. Did I ever tell you about that, Dad? :'''Cal''': I think it’s time that… uh, that everybody go. Um... I need to talk to my son. :''...'' :'''Nate''': I spent my whole life trying to protect you. And instead of loving me, you fucking hated me for it. :'''Cal''': I’m not proud of the person I’ve been. I know that I’ve hurt you. :'''Nate''': I don’t wanna hear it. :'''Cal''': I tried to keep it separate. I failed. I fucked up, Nate… but I love you. I love you, and I should’ve protected you. I should’ve kept you safe, and I didn’t. I didn’t. And there’s nothing I regret more. :'''Nate''': I don’t want your apology. I just want revenge. :'''Cal''': What does that mean? ''[pause; Nate takes out a flash drive]'' What is that? :'''Nate''': It’s everything. ''Everything.'' :''[Cal sees red and blue police sirens in the distance]'' :'''Cal''': Nate… don’t do this. Nate, look at me. Do not do this. Nate, don’t do this. I’m–I’m begging you. Don’t do this. :'''Nate''': You are… who you are. I don’t think you’re ever gonna change. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Do you know what's funny? Nate broke up with me before I even went on that stage. :'''Maddy''': Don't worry. This is just the beginning. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': I think your play was the first time I was able to look at my life and not hate myself… for everything I’ve done. :'''Lexi''': What do you mean? :'''Rue''': I don't know. I’ve been through a lot, and I don’t know what to do with it. You’ve been through a lot, and you do know what to do with it. :'''Lexi''': But you’ve been through a lot and you know what to do with it. :'''Rue''': I don’t know about that. ''[pause]'' Lex, look what you made. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to get to where you are. But I just wanted you to know that seeing it meant the world to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lexi's play ends, Jules approaches Rue in the now empty auditorium]'' :'''Jules''': I know that you're probably still angry with me, but I wanna tell you that I love you and I miss you... so much. :''[Rue looks at Jules for a few moments, then kisses her forehead and leaves the auditorium]'' :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Jules was my first love. I’d like to remember it that way. I don’t know if that’s actually true, though. I think I was high for too much of it. I know it wasn’t easy for her... and I hope she forgives me. I stayed clean through the rest of the school year. I wish I could say that was a decision I made. In some ways, it was just easier. I don’t know if this feeling will last forever... but I am trying. I remember Ali said, “The thought of maybe being a good person, is what keeps me trying to be a good person.” Maybe there’s something to that. [[Category:Euphoria (American TV series) seasons]] jgha28xejvfdnh35jmhajt7smyya0tz 3954385 3954384 2026-06-19T11:24:46Z ~2026-35821-64 3343597 /* You Who Cannot See, Think of Those Who Can [2.04] */ 3954385 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[Euphoria (American TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[Euphoria (American TV series)/Specials|Specials]] [[Euphoria (American TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[Euphoria (American TV series)|'''Main''']] ---- '''''[[w:Euphoria (American TV series)|Euphoria]]''''' (2019–present) is an American [[w:teen drama|teen drama]] television series on [[w:HBO|HBO]], created by [[w:Sam Levinson|Sam Levinson]] starring [[Zendaya]]. [[File:Euphoria promotional logo.svg|thumb|Every time I feel good, I think it'll last forever, but it doesn't.]] === ''Trying to Get to Heaven Before They Close the Door'' [2.01] === :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Fezco's grandma was a motherfuckin' G. And even though she wasn't like, the best guardian... she taught him everything he knew about life. He didn't really know much about his mom. His grandma never really liked to talk about her, except to occasionally say... :'''Marie''': ''[to young Fez]'' Your mom had a pure heart. But your daddy always took advantage of that. Let me tell you somethin', Snowflake. There's a short supply of kindness in this world. People sniff it out... and they swoop right the fuck in. Don't ever fall in love. It's the one instinct you can't trust. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fezco''': So did you, like, have a good Christmas, or are you Jewish or somethin'? :'''Lexi''': Yeah, well, my mom's Jewish, but she always says, "If the Christians can steal Christmas from the pagans, then the Jews can also." :'''Fezco''': You say the Christians stole Christmas? :'''Lexi''': Well, in order to convert the Germanic pagans who, like, celebrated winter solstice and stuff, the Christians were like, "Fuck it. Let's just say Jesus was born this day, and you can hang tinsel and stuff." :'''Fezco''': How you just go and change the man's birthday? :'''Lexi''': Well, in the same way King James was rewriting the Bible on one side of the castle, and had witches trying to turn his pee into gold on the other. :'''Fezco''': Yo, how the fuck do you know all this? :'''Lexi''': I don't know, by reading. :'''Fezco''': Do you, like, not believe in God? ''[Lexi shakes her head]'' Damn, Lexi... You fuckin' fearless. :'''Lexi''': Thanks. Do you believe in God? :'''Fezco''': Hell yeah, I believe in God. :'''Lexi''': Like, there's a man sitting in the clouds... judging all of your actions and stuff? :'''Fezco''': Hell yeah. :'''Lexi''': Can I ask you a personal question? :'''Fezco''': What's up? :'''Lexi''': How do you justify dealing drugs, then? :'''Fezco''': Well, I mean, my Uncle Carl got diabetes from eatin' too much McDonald's. You don't see nobody goin' after they ass. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, but if I were God, I don't know if I'd let McDonald's CEO in Heaven. I'd be like, "Fuck that guy." :'''Fezco''': Yeah, that's a good point. I have to get back to you on that one. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nate and Cassie are having sex in the bathroom when Maddy knocks on the door]'' :'''Nate''': I'm using the fucking bathroom! :'''Maddy''': Nate? :'''Nate''': ''[covers Cassie's mouth with his hand]'' Shh! ''[to Maddy]'' Uh, just a sec! Hold on! ''[Maddy knocks on the door again]'' Yo, just a minute! :'''Maddy''': Open the fucking door, Nate! I have to pee! :'''Nate''': ''[to Cassie]'' Are you fuckin' crying? :'''Maddy''': Can you open the door? :'''Nate''': ''[tries to calm Cassie down]'' Shh, there's no fuckin' reason to cry. You haven't been caught. :'''Maddy''': I have to pee, Nate! Open the door! :'''Nate''': ''[to Cassie]'' Calm down and put your clothes on. :'''Cassie''': ''[whispering]'' I can't... She's my best friend. :'''Maddy''': Open the door! I need to pee! :'''Nate''': I'm just usin' the bathroom! Just a second! Fuckin' pee outside! :'''Maddy''': ...Are you taking a shit at a party? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Jules''': How you doing? :'''Rue''': I'm good. :'''Jules''': When did you relapse? :'''Rue''': [[w:Cannabis (drug)|Just fuckin' weed]], Jules. :'''Jules''': Like, when did you relapse? :'''Rue''': You want me to be honest? :'''Jules''': Yeah. :'''Rue''': The night you left. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': Jules? I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to be mean. I don't know, I'm just having a tough time, you know? I just really miss you. :'''Jules''': I really miss you, too. :'''Rue''': I know that I never, uh, I never really said it before, but I want to be with you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Fezco''': Hey, where'd you go? I was startin' to miss you. :'''Lexi''': That's not true. :'''Fezco''': Why would I lie? You're, like, the coolest person in here. :''...'' :'''Fezco''': Yo, I gotta cut soon, but... I just wanna tell you that... talkin' to you was one of the best parts of my whole year. :'''Lexi''': ''[laughs]'' Yeah, right. :'''Fezco''': Why you always doin' that shit? :'''Lexi''': What? :'''Fezco''': I don't know, like, doubtin' yourself and shit. :'''Lexi''': Oh, I don't know. Do I do that? :'''Fezco''': Mmm, kinda. Yo... Can I, like, get your phone number or somethin'? === ''Out of Touch'' [2.02] === :'''Nurse''': I'm sorry but 17-year-olds can't [[w:Circle Surrogacy#Egg donation services and Everie egg bank|donate eggs]]. :'''Maddy''': That's fucking retarded. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': She liked the kid she babysat for, but what she loved the most was... <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': If he tells Jules we did drugs, I'll kill him in the quad. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Woman''': Hey. :'''Maddy''': Hi, how was your night? :'''Woman''': It was fun, uh, nice to be drunk. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': I feel like I would look so sexy pregnant. :'''Kat''': Maddy, please do not get pregnant. :'''Maddy''': I wouldn't wear any of those nasty maternity clothes. I would just be me, plus pregnant. :'''Barbara''': Remember when I got pregnant? :'''Maddy''': Yes, and it would be nothing like that. :'''Barbara''': Well, speaking of baby daddies, I seen the photo that Ethan posted to you. It's cute as fuck. :'''Maddy''': Yeah, Kat, stop flaunting your healthy, non-abusive, wonderful relationship. It's actually triggering. :'''Kat''': Yeah, he's, um, really sweet. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Viking''': ''[appears in bathroom doorway after slaying Ethan in Kat's fantasy]'' Killing makes me hard. :'''Kat''': He was the love of my life. :'''Viking''': He was a weakling. :'''Kat''': No, not totally. He doesn't deserve a woman like you. :'''Viking''': Come on. :'''Kat''': What are you doing? :'''Viking''': Preparing to conquer you. ''[proceeds to [[w:List of A Song of Ice and Fire characters#Khal Drogo|have vigorous doggy-style intercourse on her bed]]]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Ethan made plans with Kat to go bowling that night. Kat was depressed because she couldn’t figure out why she didn’t love Ethan. So she decided to make a list of pros and cons. But she couldn’t think of anything, which made her realize Ethan might not be the problem. :'''Kat''': Mmm. ''[mimics shooting herself in the head and falls aside]'' :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Kat hated herself. But the problem with hating yourself is you can’t really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won’t shut the fuck up about it. :'''Influencer Amanda LaCount''': ''[in an online tutorial video]'' It’s not gonna solve all your life problems, but it is gonna solve... ''[Kat closes laptop]'' :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': ''[standing in bathroom doorway]'' Kat. You’re one of the bravest, most beautiful human beings I have ever seen. :'''Kat''': ''[with her mouth full]'' That’s not true. :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': Yes, it is. I wish I had your confidence. :'''Kat''': But I don’t, like... feel healthy. :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': Yes, you are. :'''Kat''': No, like... seriously. I’m not. :'''Influencer Andrea Somer''': Kat, you just have to love yourself. :'''Kat''': But that’s what I’m trying to tell you! I fucking hate myself! :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Every day you get out of bed... it’s an act of courage. :'''Kat''': That’s easy for you to say. You don’t have, like, fucking mental problems. :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Yes, I do. Why do you think I look like this? :'''Kat''': Are you kidding? I wish my mental problems made me look like you. :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Trust me, you don’t :'''Kat''': Trust me, I do! You’re like the most beautiful person I’ve ever fucking seen. :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': Maybe by a white, cis-male, heteronormative standard. :'''Kat''': ''[lies in bed and covers face with pillow]'' Oh, my God! Are you fucking joking?! :'''Influencer Bree Kish''': ''[rips pillow off and yells]'' Kat! Are you fucking serious?! That’s not you fucking talking! It’s the patriarchy! :'''Kat''': It is me talking! You are not listening! :'''Influencer Bree Kish''': No! Society puts things into your mind! :'''Kat''': I don’t care about society! I feel like shit! :'''Influencer Eden Rose''': Kat, you need to smash all beauty standards! :'''Kat''': But I can’t even get out of bed! :'''Influencer Annie Hsu''': You have to love yourself. :'''Influencer Jackie Winn''': You need to find your inner fuckin’ warrior! :'''Influencer Chloe Bunce''': Become a bad bitch! :'''Influencer Amanda LaCount''': Just like you did last year! :'''Kat''': But that wasn’t even real. :'''Influencer Jewell Farshad''': It looked real. :'''Kat''': That was the point! :'''Influencer Emily Roslyn Villarreal''': I found it inspiring. :'''Kat''': ''[gets up out of bed]'' Shut the fuck up! :'''Influencer Group''': ''[chanting, repeatedly swarming and following Kat]'' Love yourself...! :'''Kat''': ''[goes into the bathroom, shouts with influencers following her, shouting and pointing]'' Leave me alone! Get the fuck out! :''[Kat glances at phone and sees a text message from Ethan: "Be there in 20 mins". She looks up and notices that all influencers disappeared.]'' :'''Kat''': Fuck. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': ''[answers phone to Nathan]'' Hey. Uh, nothing just... depressed in the bath... bowling? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' It's one thing to dislike your parents. It's not like you have a choice. But if you dislike your kid, well, that's sort of your fault. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': And like with Jules, right? Like, when I first met her, I was just immediately in love. :'''Elliot''': In love? :'''Rue''': Yeah. When you say it out loud, it kind of sounds small. :'''Elliot''': What's a bigger feeling than love? :'''Rue''': Loss. :'''Elliot''': You think? :'''Rue''': Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I don't know, maybe that's what it was, right? Like, as soon as I saw her, I was just immediately afraid to lose her. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' The problem with hating yourself is you can’t really talk about it. Because at some point recently, the whole world joined a self-help cult and won’t shut the fuck up about it. === ''Ruminations: Big and Little Bullys'' [2.03] === :''[Lexi notices Cassie doing her makeup in their bathroom in the middle of the night]'' :'''Lexi''': Why are you awake at 4 AM? :'''Cassie''': Why are ''you'' awake at 4 AM? :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Cassie decided to wake up at 4 AM that morning to get ready for school. She needed to clear her head. And for those three hours she spent getting ready… she only thought about one thing. There was also something refreshing about the amount of time she was putting into herself. She loved the ritual, the attention to detail... the anxiety and excitement she felt in her stomach. And even if Nate pretended not to notice her. It was her way of telling him that she was his. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elliot''': True or dare? :'''Jules''': Dare. :'''Elliot''': Yo, Jules. I dare you to take a piss in the middle of the street. :'''Jules''': Alright. ''[gets out vehicle]'' Sure, yes! ''[Elliot chuckles]'' Gender-fuck me, please! :'''Elliot''': Wow! :'''Rue''': Jules! :'''Elliot''': Wow! :'''Jules''': Okay, all right! :'''Rue''': Oh, shit! :'''Elliot''': Ohh. :'''Rue''': ''[Jules starts pissing]'' Oh. Okay, Jules. ''[Elliot chuckles]'' :'''Elliot''': ''[laughs when a vehicle is oncoming]'' Hey! Car! ''[motorist honks]'' :'''Jules''': Oh... my God. ''[turns to face Elliot's vehicle]'' :'''Elliot''': ''[repeatedly]'' No...! :'''Rue''': ''[repeatedly]'' Not on the car...! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ethan''': ''[walks up to jock and two friends]'' Hey, look, I, uh, I noticed the way that you’ve been lookin’ at me you know, past couple days, and I... I wanted you to know, I too, I’m into scat play, and if you wanted to, like, poop on each other– :'''Jock''': What the fuck?! :''[The jocks shout and chase Ethan]'' :'''Ethan''': Oh shit, oh shit, oh! :'''Elliot''': Oh, my God. :'''Jock''': I’ll fuckin’ kill you, goddammit! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': If I were a genius, I’d figure out a way to do drugs for free. What if I am a genius? I’m a fuckin’ genius, Fez. :... :'''Fezco''': Is that so? :'''Rue''': It is fuckin’ so because I came up with an amazing fuckin’ plan. :'''Fezco''': And what would that be, Rue? :'''Rue''': All right, so [''clears throat''] ...all you would have to do is front me, like, $5,000 worth of drugs, okay? And– :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no. :'''Rue''': Okay, well, before you say no, you kind of have to let me finish, right? :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no. :'''Rue''': Okay, why do you keep saying that? :'''Fezco''': I did not like the way that the plan started. :'''Rue''': Okay, well, you have to let me finish the fucking plan. :'''Fezco''': No. :'''Rue''': Yes. You– :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no, Rue. :'''Rue''': Fuck it. I give up. Whatever. I’ll just take my fuckin’ business elsewhere. It’s your fuckin’ loss, man. :'''Fezco''': Hell the fuck no. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Elliot''': ''[loitering in hallway with Rue]'' That’s a good-ass plan. :'''Rue''': Thank you. Fuckin’ Fez didn’t even wanna hear it. :'''Elliot''': Why not? :'''Rue''': Ego shit, man. ''[to Lexi in hallway putting up flyers over [[w:Oklahoma!|the official "Oklahoma" play production]] calling for auditions of her original play also entitled Oklahoma]'' Yo, Lex, what're you doin'? :'''Lexi''': Oh, just putting up fliers for this play I'm doing. :'''Rue''': What play? ''[V.O.]'' The only thing is... Lexi hadn't told anyone about the play... including Cassie. :'''Lexi''': I'd actually love for you to read it. ''[aloud]'' Yeah, for sure. Just, uh, send it to me. ''[enters washroom]'' :'''Cassie''': ''[enters washroom]'' Hey, Rue-Rue. :'''Rue''': Hi, Cass. Wait, are you in the play? :'''Cassie''': What play? :'''Rue''': Lexi's play. :'''Cassie''': What do you mean, Lexi's play? :'''Rue''': Uh, the play that Lexi wrote. :'''Lexi''': "Oklahoma". :'''Cassie''': What? :'''Rue''': The play's called "Oklahoma"? :'''Lexi''': No, the drama club's doing "Oklahoma." :'''Cassie''': Oh my god. Do I look like I'm in "Oklahoma"? :'''Rue''': Why would your play be set in Oklahoma? :'''Cassie''': ''[facing Rue with Lexi making a slash throat (meaning; stop talking) gesture behind her]'' You thought I was auditioning for "Oklahoma"? :'''Rue''': I haven't read it, so... :'''Cassie''': ''[Lexi frantically makes waving gestures (meaning; ''PLEASE'' stop talking) behind her]'' Are you making fun of me, or did you actually think I was auditioning for "Oklahoma"? :'''Maddy''': ''[walks up with Kat]'' Why the fuck would you audition for "Oklahoma"? :'''Cassie''': I'm not! :'''Maddy''': Then why the fuck do you look like you're auditioning for "Oklahoma"? :'''Cassie''': Do I? :'''Kat''': Yes. :'''Cassie''': Has everyone read "Oklahoma" but me? :'''Kat''': "Oklahoma"'s not like a play you read. :'''Cassie''': Rue, are you on drugs? :'''Rue''': Yes. :'''Kat''': You relapsed? :'''Cassie''': Wait, what?! :'''Rue''': Oh, I've just... nah, I've [[w:cannabis|just been smokin' a little bit of weed]]. :'''Kat''': Wait, I don't understand. If you're not auditioning for "Oklahoma," then why do you look like that? :'''Cassie''': Like what?! :'''Maddy''': Like a country music star. :'''Cassie''': In a good way or a bad way? :'''Maddy''': Bitch, you better be joking. Are you okay, Cass? :'''Cassie''': No! Yes, fuck it! I am in love with Nate Jacobs and he is in love with me! And don't you fucking give me that look, Maddy, because I didn't fuck your boyfriend! You two were broken up for three weeks and three days before we even had sеx, so I didn't betray you! Plus, you guys are terrible for each other and you know I'm right and you guys can all judge me ''[turns head over left shoulder to Rue then back at Maddy and Kat]'' if you want, but I do not care! I have never, ever been happier! :'''Rue''': But she didn't say that. In fact, it was much weirder. She just stared straight ahead like she's doing now and didn't say a word. :'''Maddy''': I think being single's really stressing you out. :'''Cassie''': No, I don't think so. :'''Maddy''': I hate it. :'''Cassie''': Really? :'''Maddy''': Yeah. I think Nate really fuckеd me up. ''[Theo gasps]'' I said, "Messed me up." :'''Cassie''': No, you didn't. :'''Maddy''': What do you mean? :'''Cassie''': I keep trying to figure out if I feel worse now than I did when I was with Nate. I mean, you were really unhappy. :'''Maddy''': Like, I remember how the good parts felt. But when it was bad, was it really that bad? Or am I just telling myself that because I'm lonely and bored? :'''Cassie''': No, you... you deserve someone who's passionate and loving. Who yearns for you, and, and can't wait to see you, who... who you're not gonna fight with, and just who's gonna love you. Like... really, truly love you. :'''Maddy''': Yeah... I don't know. Do me a favor... when you get older, don't be an asshоlе to girls you like. Okay. ''[chuckles]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cal''': I know you and your drug addict friend. That girl... who tried to extort my son. :'''Fezco''': What? :'''Cal''': Because of what I did to her friend. :'''Fezco''': The fuck are you talkin' about, man? :'''Cal''': You know, the blonde. :'''Fezco''': Who? Jule? :'''Cal''': ''[sighs]'' Look, man. I didn't know she was 17. :'''Fezco''': You tellin' me you had sex with Jule? :'''Faye''': Who's Jule? :'''Fezco''': What the fuck, man? :'''Faye''': Do I know Jule? :'''Fezco''': The fuck are we even talkin' about right now, bro? :'''Faye''': Jule... Jule, Jule. :'''Cal''': I just want the disc. :'''Fezco''': What disc?! :'''Cal''': Of Jule and I. :'''Fezco''': Yo, you recorded that shit?! :'''Cal''': I didn't know. :'''Fezco''': You didn't know that you were recording? :'''Cal''': I fucked up. :'''Fezco''': Obviously, man! Yo, who the fuck even told you I gave a shit about this anyway? :'''Cal''': My son. :'''Fezco''': Your son? The one that's in love with Jule? :'''Faye''': Aw, that's cute. :'''Fezco''': That's not cute, man. What the fuck? :'''Cal''': What? :'''Fezco''': What kinda weird-ass father-son shit is goin' on around here, bro? :'''Cal''': ...I'm extremely confused. :'''Fezco''': You're confused? ''I'm'' fuckin' confused, bro! :'''Faye''': Me, too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': Now as a beloved character that a lot of people are rooting for, I feel a certain responsibility to make good decisions. ''[side-eye into camera]'' But I relapsed. In all fairness, I did say in the beginning I had no intentions of staying clean. But I get it. Our country's dark. And fucked up. And people... just want to find hope. :'''Ethan''': Somewhere. :'''Rue''': Anywhere. And if not in reality, then in television. Unfortunately, I'm not it. ''[takes a sip of cough medicine directly from bottle]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Ali''': I've always accepted you for who you are: The good, the bad, and the ugly. Don't tell me to shut the fuck up. I'm not some parent you can just treat like shit. :'''Rue''': Yeah, well, good thing nobody's really lookin' to you to be a fuckin' parent. :'''Ali''': Yo! Excuse me? ''[uncomfortable pause]'' Excuse me?! ''[scoffs]'' When I sit across from you and tell you somethin' about my life, you don't get to use that shit against me. You cross that line again, we're done. You talk back right now, we're done. One more fuckin' disrespectful word outta your mouth and we're done, you hear me? HEY! YOU HEAR ME?! :'''Rue''': Or what, Ali? You gonna hit me? === ''You Who Cannot See, Think of Those Who Can'' [2.04] === :'''Jules''': Does that feel okay? :'''Rue''': Yeah, it feels amazing. :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' I don't think you understand how much I love Jules. The only problem is, I [[w:narcotic|took so many narcos]], I literally can't feel a fucking thing. :'''Jules''': Is there anything you want me to, like... do differently? :'''Rue''': Nah, nah. It's amazing. :'''Jules''': Rue, you keep saying that. :'''Rue''': I know, 'cause this is amazing. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': I feel like you ruined me forever. :'''Nate''': Why does it sound romantic when you say it like that? :'''Maddy''': I love you. :'''Nate''': I love you, too. :'''Maddy''': Why did you love me? :'''Nate''': I still love you. :'''Maddy''': But why? :'''Nate''': 'Cause you're smart and cruel... but not really. :'''Maddy''': Not really smart? :'''Nate''': Not really cruel. :'''Maddy''': It's funny you say that because it's something that I didn't really realize until after we broke up. Did you know that I loved you? I'm not talking about obsession or fighting or fucking. I'm talking about love. Did you feel loved by me? :'''Nate''': I don't know. :''[Cut to Cassie sitting on Nate's bed while Nate is in the bathroom]'' :'''Nate''': But you knew I had feelings for Maddy. :'''Cassie''': But I didn't know you were gonna get back together with her. :'''Nate''': How many times do I have to tell you that we're not back together? :'''Cassie''': Right, you just hung out and talked about love. :'''Nate''': Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. :'''Cassie''': If I would've known you were gonna get back together, I wouldn't have done this. :'''Nate''': That's a lie! :'''Cassie''': It's not a lie! :'''Nate''': You have this image of yourself as so fuckin' sweet and innocent... but it's bullshit. If you were a fuckin' sweet person, you wouldn't have fuckеd your best friend's boyfriend. :'''Cassie''': You two were broken up. :'''Nate''': That is a comfort to nobody but you. :'''Cassie''': I can't do this! :'''Nate''': What, you wanna go tell Maddy? :'''Cassie''': Maybe I will. :'''Nate''': You're afraid that I'm still in love with Maddy, so you're gonna do whatever the fuck it takes to destroy that. This isn't about being a fucking good person, Cassie, or being a fucking good friend. This is about you getting what you want. ''[pause]'' You can fucking leave, or you can get into bed. It's up to you. :'''Cassie''': You know what you don't realize, Nate? Is I don't care what happens to me. I don't care how angry Maddy gets. You two shouldn't be together. You're toxic. :'''Nate''': How would you know? :'''Cassie''': Because she's my best friend, and I'm in a relationship with you. She's not good for you, you're not good for her, and I will do everything I can to prevent it. :'''Nate''': Maddy, that's literally fucking insane! ''[Cassie gasps]'' Madd... Cassie, I s– :'''Cassie''': See?! This is what I'm talking about! :'''Nate''': I–I said Maddy because we're talking about how ''fucking'' crazy Maddy is, which you can't seem to fucking comprehend! :'''Cassie''': No! What you don't understand, Nate, is '''I AM CRAZIER!''' :'''Nate''': That's not something to be fuckin' proud of, Cassie! :'''Cassie''': No... but it is something you should be scared of. :'''Nate''': What the fuck? What the fuck!? You can't fucking blackmail me into a relationship with you! :'''Cassie''': Blackmail means you don't have choices. But in reality, you ''do'' have choices. You just have to own up to the consequences of them! :'''Nate''': That is the LITERAL FUCKING DEFINITION OF BLACKMAIL! If you don't do this, I'm gonna do that! That is blackmail! :'''Cassie''': Fine, it's blackmail! I don't care! It doesn't change anything!! :'''Nate''': It's fuckеd up! :'''Cassie''': You know what's fuckеd up, Nate?! You telling me that you love me, and then going and being in a relationship with my best friend! :'''Nate''': ...OH, WHAT THE '''FUCK?!''' WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! '''WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!''' :'''Cassie''': ''[calmly]'' Okay. Bye. :'''Nate''': ''[sighs when Cassie leaves the bedroom]'' For fucking... :''[Cassie walks down the stairs as Nate tries to stop her from leaving]'' :'''Nate''': Cassie, stop. I love you. :''[Cassie pauses for a moment, then continues walking downstairs. Nate punches the wall in anger.]'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Cal returns home extremely drunk and starts urinating on the floor. His wife, Marsha, comes out of their upstairs bedroom and sees him.]'' :'''Marsha''': Are you–Are you peeing? Okay, Cal, wh–what is wrong with you? :'''Cal''': I think I’m lonely. :'''Marsha''': What? :'''Cal''': I think I’m lonely. :'''Marsha''': Okay, look, could you please put your penis away? :'''Cal''': No. :'''Marsha''': Cal, I’m not gonna ask you again. Put your penis away. :'''Cal''': I am who I am. :''[Nates's brother, Aaron, is awakened by the sounds of Cal and Marsha's argument and comes out of his own bedroom]'' :'''Aaron''': Oh, fuck. Mom, what’s goin’ on? :'''Marsha''': Okay. Cal, put your dick away. :'''Aaron''': Yo, Dad, what the fuck are you doing? :'''Cal''': I’m sorry. ''[laughing]'' I was just–I was just telling your mother that I think I’m very lonely. :'''Aaron''': Okay, but, like, can you put your fuckin' dick away? :'''Marsha''': ''[pause; Cal laughs again]'' Okay, Cal. Cal, this is not funny. :''[Nate comes out with the rest of his family]'' :'''Nate''': What’s goin' on? :'''Aaron''': Dad’s standing in the foyer with his dick out. :'''Nate''': ''[shields his eyes; to Cal]'' What the fuck are you doing? :'''Marsha''': I don’t know. :'''Cal''': You know what you three assholes are looking at? The man with no name. :'''Aaron''': What? What the fuck are you even saying? Yo, what the fuck is going on, guys? :'''Cal''': I’m a rogue. I march to the beat of my own drum. You guys should’ve seen me tonight. I don’t know if you would’ve been proud, but… ya might’ve been impressed. :'''Marsha''': Cal, listen to me. I think you need to see a doctor. Alright? You’re not–You’re not you. :'''Cal''': No, Marsha. That’s where you’re wrong. I am 100% me. :'''Marsha''': Okay, you’re scaring me now. :'''Cal''': You know why? ‘Cause I’m a man. I’m an animal. I’m a motherfuckin’ Rottweiler. ''[sighs]'' You know how many men I’ve fucked? :'''Aaron''': What?! :'''Marsha''': Cal, stop it. :'''Cal''': Aaron– :'''Marsha''': Cal, please. Please stop. :'''Cal''': Do you know how many men I’ve fucked? :'''Aaron''': Dad, why are you saying this? :'''Cal''': Guess. :'''Aaron''': I–I don’t understand. Like, what the fuck is going on? :'''Cal''': I had sex with a man for the first time… when you… were in your mama’s belly. :'''Aaron''': Dad, why the fuck are you saying these things? Like, have you lost your fucking mind? You’re talking about fucking men in front of Mom when I was... What? Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? Who the fuck are you? :'''Cal''': Here’s the funny thing… ''[pause; zips his pants up]'' If I said tonight that… I went to the strip club, and I… ''[slaps Marsha's ass; chuckles heartily]'' picked up a real grade-A piece of ass–huge tits, shaved pussy–and I fucked the shit outta her in my truck… you wouldn’t be one-tenth as appalled as you are right now. You wouldn’t be standing here saying, “Dad, what are you talkin’ about?” You’d be like, “Dad, don’t say that in front of Mom.” ''[points at Aaron and Nate]'' Fuck you… Fuck you. You’re a bunch of fucking hypocrites. I’m a man. I’ll fuck whoever I want, whenever I want. I’ll fuck men, I’ll fuck women, I’ll fuck transsexuals, and I’ll have a mighty fine time doin' it. I eat what I kill. :'''Marsha''': I’m going to bed. :''[Cal follows Marsha upstairs]'' :'''Cal''': I’m a f*ggot… sexist, chaser, pig fuckin’ creep, and I love it. Living a double life? Not my biggest regret. ''[beat; points at Nate]'' You are. But let’s be honest, we all live double lives. Don’t give me that look, Marsha. You got that shoebox full of love letters that camp counselor used to write you. You saved them. Flirting on Facebook… ''[stutters]'' I–I get it. It feels good to know that you were loved by somebody other than just me. I’m not standing here looking at you like, “How could you?” :''[Marsha says nothing to Cal, walks back to her bedroom and closes the door]'' :'''Cal''': I mean, we all have secrets. ''[looks at a framed picture of his family and takes it off the wall]'' Aaron? The porn on your fucking computer made my jaw drop. Marsha, come back. You saw it. Your mother’s the one who showed me. Don’t talk to me about secrets. Watching eight people cum on one person’s face, gang-bangs, fucking cum-funnels, fucking pissing in people’s asses. Jesus fuckin' Christ, man. I got problems, you got problems. You know, I was kind of uptight when I met your mother. She was a freak… and a fuckin’ fox. Marsha… you were a fuckin’ fox! ''[pause]'' Nathaniel… Your whole fucking life’s a secret. A mystery. ''[walks downstairs to the foyer]'' Who knows about you? I have lived with you. I have raised you. I am your father. I know nothing about you. ''[brief pause]'' That’s not true. I know that you’re angry. I’m so sorry I fucked you up with my double life. ''[laughs]'' Okay, maybe, I took mine to the extreme. I’ll admit that, but… I have a problem. But the reason I have a problem is this family. That’s why. I’m not allowed to form an emotional connection... and I’m an emotional guy. You fuckers backed me into a corner. But you know what? I think you’ve set me free. So… this is farewell. I left you with a little… ''[points at puddle of urine with his foot]'' memory of me here on the floor of the foyer. ''[to Aaron and Nate]'' You… two dickwads can draw straws to see who cleans it up. I’ll see you assholes later. :''[Cal leaves the house, taking the picture frame with him]'' === ''Stand Still Like the Hummingbird'' [2.05] === :'''Leslie''': ''[enraged]'' '''''I RAISED YOU!'' I DID! OKAY?! AND YOU ''DON'T EVER FUCKING SCARE ME LIKE THAT!''''' ''[calms down]'' You're not a good person, Rue. ''[Rue grins and chuckles]'' You smiling? Really? You're proud of that? :'''Rue''': You know what’s a shame, Mom? My dad’s dead. Kinda keeps you from admitting what a shit fuckin’ mother you are. ''[scoffs]'' “Oh, poor Leslie. Her daughter’s an addict, but, you know, her dad did die.” :''[Rue walks into Gia's bedroom]'' :'''Rue''': You hear that, Gia?! You hear that? I don’t wanna put too much pressure on you, but you’re probably gonna have to be a fuckin’ neurosurgeon, or maybe an astronaut because if not, then Mom is zero for fuckin’ two. And that means that it might actually just be her fuckin’ fault. :'''Gia''': Rue, stop! :'''Rue''': Yeah, that means, maybe, ''she actually fucked up!'' <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rue continues searching for the suitcase with the pills]'' :'''Rue''': Tell me where they are, Mom! Fuck! ''[screams]'' Where did you fucking put them?! I know they’re fucking in here, Mom! I know they’re in here! What did you do with them?! What did you do?! Where the fuck are they? What did you do with them? :'''Jules''': We flushed them down the toilet. :''[Rue stops in her tracks and hurries into the dining room, where Jules and Elliot are seated]'' :'''Leslie''': You look embarrassed, Rue. You embarrassed ’cause Jules just heard everything you said? Don’t cry. Own that shit. Own what you just said. :'''Rue''': ''[whispers]'' Fuck you. ''[chuckles]'' Oh, okay. I see what the fuck is going on here. Well, first thing’s first, Elliot here is a fucking addict... so if he tells you anything fucking different, he’s a liar and a fucking snake. Fuck you! :'''Jules''': He cares about you– :'''Rue''': This doesn’t fucking concern you, Jules. :'''Jules''': Yes, it does– :'''Rue''': No the fuck it doesn’t! :'''Jules''': Yes, it does. :'''Rue''': How?! :'''Jules''': ‘Cause I don’t want you to kill yourself. :'''Rue''': You’re a fucking rat! :'''Jules''': You were lying to me. :'''Rue''': Yeah, so you go tell my fuckin’ mom?! :'''Jules''': I didn’t know what else to do. :'''Rue''': And why the fuck would you say anything? ''[scoffs]'' You are fucking dead to me. :'''Jules''': You don't mean that. :'''Rue''': I fucking mean every fucking word. You're dead to me, Jules. :'''Jules''': I don't believe you. :'''Rue''': You and me? We're fucking done. There is nothing fucking there any more. Nothing... fucking... there. You know, I got a lot of regrets in my life. But gotta tell you, Jules. Meeting you... has gotta be at the top of my fucking list. ''[pause; Jules tears up]'' Oh, now you wanna fucking cry? Now you wanna fucking cry? Yeah, you’re a fucking vampire. You just go around fucking sucking the fucking spirit out of everyone! You like that shit... makes you feel good. :'''Jules''': You know that’s not true. :'''Rue''': It is fucking true. It’s all about fucking Jules, right? And you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You just act all fucking innocent, like you’re this fucking sweet little angel. This innocent, sweet, little fucking angel who doesn’t know what the fuck they’re doing. You know what the fuck you’re doing! :'''Jules''': I love you. :'''Rue''': No the fuck you don’t. You love being ''loved!'' You’re a fucking greedy whore who just likes sucking the life out of people. And it fucking hurts, Jules! :'''Jules''': I love you. :'''Rue''': No, you don’t. Stop saying that! You don’t love me! You fucking left me… when I fucking needed you. You fucking left me... when I was at my fucking lo... ''[breathes heavily]'' You fucking left me at my fucking lowest! And a real fucking friend, someone who fucking loves you, wouldn’t do some shit like that, Jules! :'''Jules''': I love you and I wanna help you. :'''Rue''': If you wanna help me, uh, you can honestly–You can just stay out of my fucking life. Forever. ''[chuckles]'' That would be great because, honestly, looking at you makes me physically fucking ill! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': You wish I was different? So do I! You fucking hate me?! So do I! <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Rue finishes cleaning herself up in the Howards' bathroom, she sees everyone, including her mother, downstairs staring at her]'' :'''Rue''': Oh, fuck. It'll never fuckin' end. :'''Leslie''': This can’t make you feel good, Rue. Living like this. Lying to the people you love, being mean to the people you love. This can’t make you feel good about yourself. :'''Rue''': I don’t care. Just fuckin' leave me alone, please. :'''Leslie''': I know you’re in pain. :'''Rue''': You have no fucking idea, Mom. :'''Leslie''': Let’s get back into the car, and let me take you to the hospital. :'''Rue''': I can't get clean, I can't do that shit forever. :'''Cassie''': You don't have to. Just take it one day at a time. ''[looks around the room for approval and is mostly met with awkward nods]'' :'''Suze''': ''[whispers]'' Yeah. :'''Rue''': Hey, Cass? :'''Cassie''': Yeah? :'''Rue''': I have a quick question for you. :'''Cassie''': What? :'''Rue''': How long have you been fucking Nate Jacobs? :'''Cassie''': ''[sheepishly laughs]'' Wh–What? What–What are you talking about?! :'''Rue''': How long have you been fucking Nate? :'''Cassie''': I'm not. ''[laughs nervously]'' What? I'm not. :'''Maddy''': ''[looks at Kat in confusion; to Rue]'' What are you talking about? :'''Rue''': Oh, I just... I–I saw her get in his truck, and then, kiss him and drive off. That was, like–What, like, uh... Uh, like a month ago? :'''Cassie''': Uh... :'''Maddy''': ''[to Cassie]'' Are you kidding me? :'''Cassie''': Uh... :'''Kat''': Cass, that's, like... really bad. :'''Maddy''': You're fucking Nate? Are you kidding me? :'''Cassie''': No, I... I don't even know why she would say that! :'''Maddy''': You're lying! :'''Suze''': Yeah, can we just table this conversation? :'''Kat''': ''[to Maddy]'' Okay, let's go– :'''Maddy''': No, no. You expect me to stand here next to my best friend who's been lying to me about fucking my ex-boyfriend?! I'm ''literally gonna get violent!'' :'''Kat''': Okay, no. Let's just... :'''Suze''': No, there is no need to get violent, okay? Because we are having an intervention! Stop it! :'''Leslie''': ''[to Rue]'' I'm begging you. Let's just get into the car. :'''Rue''': Mom... I can't. :'''Kat''': Let's just talk– :'''Maddy''': ''[sees Cassie tearing up]'' Oh, you're crying?! :'''Kat''': No... Maddy! :'''Maddy''': You're fucking crying, you fucking bitch?! :'''Kat''': Maddy, come on! :'''Maddy''': ''[gets in Cassie's face]'' You're the one who's hurt?! You're the most self-centered, idiotic person I have ever fucking met! You fuck ''my'' ex, and you're fucking crying?! Are you ''fucking kidding me?!'' :'''Kat''': Let's just do this later. :'''Leslie''': Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit who's fucking who, okay? If you're gonna keep talking about it, get out of the room! :'''Suze''': Yeah, absolutely. You're being an animal... :'''Lexi''': ''[to Cassie]'' Do you wanna go on a walk? :'''Suze''': ...right now to my girl. :'''Cassie''': I don't even know why you're believing her! She's a drug addict! :'''Maddy''': How long have you been fucking him? Be honest. :'''Kat''': Maddy, let's just do it later. :'''Maddy''': Kat, shut the fuck up! ''[to Cassie]'' How long have you been fucking him?! Rue! :'''Leslie''': ''[to Rue]'' Listen, let's just get into the car, okay? :'''Maddy''': When was this? :'''Rue''': Right after New Year's. :'''Maddy''': Oh... ''You dumb fucking bitch.'' I'm gonna ''fuck you up!'' :''[Cassie starts running up stairs with Maddy, Kat and Suze in pursuit. During the commotion, Rue sneaks out of the Howards' house.]'' :'''Maddy''': Don't fucking run away from me, you stupid bitch! :'''Suze''': Why are you guys... Come on! :'''Leslie''': ''[notices Rue has left]'' Rue? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Laurie''': You wanna know a funny thing about me? I don't think I've ever gotten angry in my entire life. :'''Rue''': Really? :'''Laurie''': Well, I don't know if that's true. Is that true? ''[ponders for a second]'' Yeah, no. That's true. I've never gotten angry. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Laurie''': You know, a doctor once told me they did brain studies on people who've done a lot of opiates, and that over time all the chemicals in your brain that make you happy and feel good start to decrease because your body's getting it artificially. But the longer you use, it just starts to weaken and wither, kinda like a limb that's not getting blood to it anymore. And then it just sort of falls off, and you get something called cell death where you just have these big dead spots in the parts of your brain that used to make you happy. No matter what you do, you can never get it back. He said it's basically the same brain as people who've had major strokes. But the silver lining is that the things that don't feel good don't feel as bad anymore. You know, if I was going through withdrawal, I would do anything. It's one of the good parts of being a woman: Even if you don't have money, you've still got something people want. :'''Rue''': I think I'm gonna be sick. === ''A Thousand Little Trees of Blood'' [2.06] === :'''Rue''': Even if I got clean today, no one would forget the trauma of me not being clean. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Maddy''': I think I actually wanna murder her. :'''Kat''': I get it. :'''Maddy''': No, like, actually plan a murder and carry it out. :'''Kat''': I get it. :'''Maddy''': Like a grisly murder. One that shocks the nation. :'''Kat''': [''Casual tone''] I think that's more than understandable. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Rue calls Ali to apologize to him]'' :'''Ali''': Hello. :'''Rue''': Ali? It’s, um–It’s Rue. :'''Ali''': What do you want, Rue? :'''Rue''': Um... I just wanted to, uh, call you and tell you that, um... I just wanted to call you and tell you that I’m sorry for what I said. Um... and I really regret it. Uh... I just-I never should’ve said that. :'''Ali''': Rue. :'''Rue''': And I’m sorry. I’m sorry. :'''Ali''': Rue! Listen to me. I forgive you. :'''Rue''': You do? :'''Ali''': I do. :'''Rue''': ''[sniffling]'' How do you know that I mean it? :'''Ali''': Because the hour is certain to come. So we must forgive graciously. :'''Rue''': ''[crying]'' Thank you. ''[shuddering cries]'' Thank you. === ''The Theater and Its Double'' [2.07] === :'''Maddy''': Wait, is this fucking play about us? <hr width="50"/> :'''Fezco''': I still don't understand what the play is actually about though. :'''Lexi''': It's about friendship. :'''Fezco''': Well, that's nice. Everybody's gonna love that. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, I–I mean, I hope so. I just... I keep second-guessing myself and getting anxious. Like, if people are gonna think that it's good or bad, or if it's gonna upset people or not. :'''Fezco''': But why would anyone be upset by it? :'''Lexi''': Oh, you know, it's–it's based on real people. :'''Fezco''': Yeah, you really strokin' the bee's nest with that one. :'''Lexi''': Am I? :'''Fezco''': I mean... if someone invited me to a play, and... they didn't even tell me I was a character in it? I'd definitely have some questions. :'''Lexi''': Like, bad questions? :'''Fezco''': Depends on the play. :'''Lexi''': Well, would you be upset by it? :'''Fezco''': It depends on the play. :'''Lexi''': Right. :'''Fezci''': And the intentions of the person who made the play. :'''Lexi''': My intentions are good. :'''Fezco''': Then you ain't got nothin' to worry about. :'''Lexi''': But... what if they think my intentions aren't good when in reality they are good? :'''Fezco''': Well, that's what I call a quandary. <hr width="50"/> :'''Lexi''': Eww, God. What? Did someone die in this dress? Smells like shit. <hr width="50"/> :'''Leslie''': You broke me. Completely broke me. I give up. Hey... you wanna kill yourself doing drugs? Go ahead. I'm not gonna stand in your way. :'''Rue''': So I can do drugs? :'''Leslie''': Yeah. :'''Rue''': Anything I want? :'''Leslie''': The world's your oyster. :'''Rue''': Mom, are you fucking with me right now? :'''Leslie''': No. If you wanna fry every last brain cell in your head, go ahead. ''[pause; Rue laughs]'' What? :'''Rue''': What? :'''Leslie''': That's exciting to you, huh? :'''Rue''': What? :'''Leslie''': Being a crackhead. :'''Rue''': I just feel like there's a catch here. :'''Leslie''': I can't convince you that your life is important. You're gonna have to make that decision on your own. You'll be 18 soon... and outta my house. And you're gonna make whatever decisions you're gonna make. I'm taking you off my plate. :'''Rue''': Okay. :'''Leslie''': I'm gonna focus on Gia. :'''Rue''': Yeah, but she's fine, though. :'''Leslie''': She's been getting D's in math. :'''Rue''': Yeah... :'''Leslie''': She's been in detention three times in the past two weeks. And every morning, when I go into her room to make sure she's awake, she already up... on the phone. And I know she's not getting any sleep. But if you say she's fine... I'll just take your word for it. :'''Rue''': I didn't know any of that. :'''Leslie''': Why would you? You only ever think about yourself. :'''Rue''': That's not true, Mom. :'''Leslie''': If I have to choose between losing one daughter or two, I'mma fight to save her. :'''Rue''': ''[thinks for a moment]'' No, that's fair. <hr width="50"/> :''[Cassie is hiding in her bedroom closet after Maddy learns the truth about her affair with Nate. Maddy bangs repeatedly on the door.]'' :'''Maddy''': Open the fucking door, Cassie! Open the door and tell me it was worth it! You owe me that! ''[tries opening the closet door]'' Open the fucking door, Cassie! What kind of fucking friend are you? What the fuck?! ''[pause]'' This isn't about Nate. This is about you and me and our friendship. And if you wanna throw it away, then fine. 'Cause I don't wanna be fucking friends with you. :'''Kat''': Come here, babe. Let it go. :'''Maddy''': I'm just sick of it. I'm sick of it. He put me through hell and now he's with my fucking best friend? Like, what the fuck?! :'''Kat''': It's fuckеd up. :'''Maddy''': When is it gonna end? :'''Kat''': It's fuckеd up. :'''Maddy''': ''[to Cassie]'' Open the fucking door, Cassie! Open the fucking door! :'''Kat''': She's not gonna open it. Let's just go. :'''Maddy''': Open the door! ''[bangs on the door]'' :'''Kat''': Maddy, come on. :'''Maddy''': ''[to Cassie]'' You're a fucking coward. You're a fucking coward, and I would've never done this to you! I would've ''never'' done this to you! <hr width="50"/> :''[Nate gets offended by the homoerotic jock dance number in Lexi's play]'' :'''Cassie''': Nate...? :'''Nate''': Why the fuck are they laughing? That shit is so fuckin' homophobic. :''[Nate gets up and leaves the auditorium. Cassie quickly follows him.]'' :'''Cassie''': Babe, I'm so sorry. I had no idea Lex– :'''Nate''': She's your fuckin' sister! :'''Cassie''': No, I– :'''Nate''': You know what? Pack your shit, get the fuck outta my house. I'm fuckin' done. === ''All My Life, My Heart Has Yearned for a Thing I Cannot Name'' [2.08] === :'''Lexi''': Do you ever think about the future? :'''Fezco''': Yeah, all the time. :'''Lexi''': Really? :'''Fezco''': Yeah. :'''Lexi''': Like you have a plan? :'''Fezco''': I mean, I don’t–I don’t got, like, a plan-plan, but I be thinkin' about livin' on a farm, you know? :'''Lexi''': I don’t really see you as a farmer. :'''Fezco''': Yeah, fuck it. Get some horses, cows, pigs, chickens, goats. Have a little family. Like some “Little House on the Prairie” type shit, you know? :'''Lexi''': ''[pause]'' I don’t know if I know that show. :'''Fezco''': You never heard of ''Little House on the Prairie''? :'''Lexi''': Okay, this might sound kinda crazy, but my plan is to have, like, three kids at 30. Like, each one a year and a half apart. So from 30 to 58, I can focus on, you know, being a good mom and raising my kids, etcetera, etcetera. And then, drop the last one off at college at 58, which will give me, like, 32 years to focus on me and live my life and take my time with writing. :'''Fezco''': I mean, you really got this shit all figured out, huh? :'''Lexi''': Yeah. ''[laughs]'' It’s kinda crazy, right? :'''Fezco''': I mean… they got three kids in that show. There’s no need to forget your manners just because we’re hundreds of miles from civilized folk. :'''Lexi''': If you lived in a place like this, do you think you’d have a gun? :'''Fezco''': Hell yeah, I’d own a gun. :'''Lexi''': I hate guns. :'''Fezco''': Nobody’s ever got shot at and thought to theyself, “Whoa! Thank goodness we didn’t have a gun to shoot back.” You know? :'''Lexi''': Yeah, but then what are the police for? :'''Fezco''': Fucked if I know. Shit. :'''Lexi''': Wait, are you on Instagram or Twitter? :'''Fezco''': Hell no. :'''Lexi''': Really? Why? :'''Fezco''': Well, why would I want anybody knowin’ what I’m thinkin’ or feelin’? :'''Lexi''': I don’t know. You can connect with people who have similar interests. :'''Fezco''': Mmm... I just feel like people be sharin’ way too much on there. :'''Lexi''': Online? :'''Fezco''': Yeah. They be ruinin’ the mystery, you know? Like, say if I like a girl. I wanna find out what she’s about on my own, you know? I don’t wanna Google the scraps. I wanna peel back the layers. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, but, like, why would you wanna waste time getting to know someone… if you don’t have anything in common with them? :'''Fezco''': I don’t know. That’s what I like about you the most, though. Like… we don’t really have nothin’ in common. :'''Lexi''': That’s not true. We both… have the same sense of humor, and… are empathic and curious. And wanna have, like, kids. :'''Fezco''': Those aren’t interests, you know. Those are real character traits. That’s the important shit that people don’t post online. :'''Lexi''': Yeah, I never thought about it that way. :'''Fezco''': Well, aren’t you glad that we became friends? :'''Lexi''': Yeah… very much so. :'''Fezco''': Yeah, me too. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Lexi, I’m gonna fucking kill you! ''[walks on stage]'' I deserve this, right? Because I’ve actually lived a life? I’m the one who takes risks? I’m the one who falls in love?! I’m the one who gets hurt, not you, Lexi! You never even fucking lived! That’s why you’re able to stand up here and judge all of us! You’re just a fucking bystander! ''[scoffs when the audience boos her]'' Oh, okay... Well, if that makes me a villain, then so fucking be it. I can play the fucking villain. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Lexi, is this the part of the play where I steal Jake from Marta? :'''Lexi''': No, Cassie, that’s not in the play. :'''Maddy''': It is now! :''[The audience jeers]'' :'''Suze''': Who said that? :'''Hallie''': Look, I wanna say, I get it. :'''Cassie''': Oh, God… :'''Hallie''': I understand what you’re going through. :'''Cassie''': I do not wanna hear from you. :'''Hallie''': I lived it. :'''Girl in the Audience''': Wait, Hallie steals Marta’s boyfriend? :'''Cassie''': I don’t know how many times I have to say this. They were not fucking together. :'''Maddy''': Yeah, not only that, but she was fucking him the entire time Marta was talking about getting back together with him. :'''Girl in the Audience''': No… Why? :'''Maddy''': Because Hallie is a two-faced cunt. :'''Cassie''': I’m not a cunt! You’re the cunt! :'''Maddy''': You’re the fucking cunt, bitch! :'''Cassie''': I am not a fucking cunt. :'''Suze''': Language, missy! ''[pause]'' Okay. Okay, you know what? You’re just fucking embarrassing yourself. Let’s go home. :'''Cassie''': I’m not going home. The play’s not over. :'''Lexi''': Oh, my God. I feel like I’m gonna throw up. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Nate confronts Cal at the warehouse he's been living in]'' :'''Nate''': You know what I think we have in common? When we both get off on hurting other people. What do you think? :'''Cal''': You wanna talk about this upstairs? :'''Nate''': No. ''[beat; knocks on table]'' So, you living here now? :'''Cal''': For the moment, yeah. :'''Nate''': You happy? :'''Cal''': I’m figuring it out. :'''Nate''': ''[pause]'' Are you happier? :'''Cal''': Why don’t we go talk about this upstairs? :'''Nate''': It’s a simple question. :'''Cal''': Yes… In some ways. :'''Nate''': That’s not fair. :'''Cal''': I know. :'''Nate''': You don’t get to ruin our lives... and then, just... move on and get to be happier. :'''Cal''': I’ve made a lot of mistakes. :'''Nate''': ''[to Cal's lovers]'' When I was eleven years old… I found these videos of my dad fucking hookers in a motel room. You know, for the longest time, I had this recurring nightmare, just over and over… and in it, he was fucking me the way that he fucked them. Did I ever tell you about that, Dad? :'''Cal''': I think it’s time that… uh, that everybody go. Um... I need to talk to my son. :''...'' :'''Nate''': I spent my whole life trying to protect you. And instead of loving me, you fucking hated me for it. :'''Cal''': I’m not proud of the person I’ve been. I know that I’ve hurt you. :'''Nate''': I don’t wanna hear it. :'''Cal''': I tried to keep it separate. I failed. I fucked up, Nate… but I love you. I love you, and I should’ve protected you. I should’ve kept you safe, and I didn’t. I didn’t. And there’s nothing I regret more. :'''Nate''': I don’t want your apology. I just want revenge. :'''Cal''': What does that mean? ''[pause; Nate takes out a flash drive]'' What is that? :'''Nate''': It’s everything. ''Everything.'' :''[Cal sees red and blue police sirens in the distance]'' :'''Cal''': Nate… don’t do this. Nate, look at me. Do not do this. Nate, don’t do this. I’m–I’m begging you. Don’t do this. :'''Nate''': You are… who you are. I don’t think you’re ever gonna change. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Cassie''': Do you know what's funny? Nate broke up with me before I even went on that stage. :'''Maddy''': Don't worry. This is just the beginning. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Rue''': I think your play was the first time I was able to look at my life and not hate myself… for everything I’ve done. :'''Lexi''': What do you mean? :'''Rue''': I don't know. I’ve been through a lot, and I don’t know what to do with it. You’ve been through a lot, and you do know what to do with it. :'''Lexi''': But you’ve been through a lot and you know what to do with it. :'''Rue''': I don’t know about that. ''[pause]'' Lex, look what you made. I don’t know how to do that. I don’t know how to get to where you are. But I just wanted you to know that seeing it meant the world to me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[After Lexi's play ends, Jules approaches Rue in the now empty auditorium]'' :'''Jules''': I know that you're probably still angry with me, but I wanna tell you that I love you and I miss you... so much. :''[Rue looks at Jules for a few moments, then kisses her forehead and leaves the auditorium]'' :'''Rue''': ''[V.O.]'' Jules was my first love. I’d like to remember it that way. I don’t know if that’s actually true, though. I think I was high for too much of it. I know it wasn’t easy for her... and I hope she forgives me. I stayed clean through the rest of the school year. I wish I could say that was a decision I made. In some ways, it was just easier. I don’t know if this feeling will last forever... but I am trying. I remember Ali said, “The thought of maybe being a good person, is what keeps me trying to be a good person.” Maybe there’s something to that. [[Category:Euphoria (American TV series) seasons]] hnslt8hd5mh25vauw52t6hucgl545ph 0 276277 3954180 3948148 2026-06-18T16:32:43Z Joreberg 323041 /* 2026 */ USA has earned the trust of the Middle East after the attack on Iran 3954180 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:March 2026 Official Vice Presidential Portrait of JD Vance.jpg|thumb|JD Vance]] '''[[w:JD Vance|James David Vance]]''' (born '''James Donald Bowman'''; August 2, 1984) is an American politician, author, and [[w:Venture capitalist|venture capitalist]]. A member of the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he was elected [[w:Vice President of the United States|Vice President of the United States]] in the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 election]]. Previously he served as the [[w:Seniority in the United States Senate|junior]] [[w:United States Senate|United States senator]] from Ohio from 2023 to 2025. [[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|Of all the things I hated about my childhood, nothing compared to the revolving door of father figures.[https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/15/us/politics/27-facts-about-jd-vance.html]]] [[File:1998 RFK Silver Dollar Reverse.png|thumb|“If you’re going to punch the Iranians, you punch them hard"[https://jewishinsider.com/2024/07/vance-on-iran-if-youre-going-to-punch-the-iranians-you-punch-them-hard/]]] ==Quotes== === 2012 === * A significant part of Republican [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] policy centers on the possibility of deporting 12 million people (or ‘self-deporting’ them). Think about it: we [[Conservatism|conservatives]] (rightly) mistrust the government to efficiently administer [[business]] loans and [[Regulation|regulate]] our food supply, yet we allegedly believe that it can deport millions of unregistered aliens. The notion fails to pass the laugh test. The same can be said for too much of the party’s platform. ** Blog post written in 2012, deleted in 2016, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/09/17/politics/jd-vance-delete-2012-blog-post-attacking-gop-anti-immigrant-rhetoric/index.html "JD Vance got a former professor to delete a blog post Vance wrote in 2012 attacking GOP over anti-immigrant rhetoric"] ''CNN'' (September 17, 2024) * Republicans lose [[Minority group|minority]] voters for simple and obvious reasons: their policy proposals are tired, unoriginal, or openly hostile to non-whites. ** Blog post written in 2012, deleted in 2016, stored in Internet Archive: [https://web.archive.org/web/20140305032241/http://centerforworldconflictandpeace.blogspot.com/2012_11_01_archive.html "A blueprint for the GOP"] (November 15, 2012) === 2014 === * I hate the [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]]. * Given the number of negative experiences I've had in the past few years, I can't imagine what a [[Black people|Black]] guy goes through. ** Written in 2014 in an e-mail to his then close friend Sofia Nelson, identifying as transgender, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-i-hate-police-remark-raises-eyebrows-1931086 "JD Vance's 'I Hate the Police' Remark Raises Eyebrows"], ''Newsweek'' (July 27, 2024) ===2016=== * I go back and forth between thinking [[Donald Trump|Trump]] is a cynical asshole like [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]] who wouldn't be that bad (and might even prove useful) or that he's [[United States|America]]'s [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. How's that for discouraging? ** From a screenshot (February 2016), as cited in [https://ohiocapitaljournal.com/2022/04/19/americas-hitler-old-j-d-vance-message-turns-up-in-heated-senate-primary/ "Vance wondered whether Trump was 'America’s Hitler,' says former roommate sharing screenshot"], ''Ohio Capital Journal'' (April 19, 2022) * Mr. Trump is unfit for [[President of the United States|our nation’s highest office]]. * Anger about the wars isn't the only reason voters support Mr. Trump. But his willingness to say what other G.O.P. candidates won't reflects what people like most about him: his complete break with the party elite. Because the last time Republican voters put a member of that elite in the White House, he sent their children on a bloody misadventure. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/04/opinion/campaign-stops/why-trumps-antiwar-message-resonates-with-white-america.html "Why Trump’s Antiwar Message Resonates with White America"], ''The New York Times'' (April 4, 2016) * What Trump offers is an easy escape from the [[pain]]. To every complex problem, he promises a simple solution. He can bring [[jobs]] back simply by [[Punishment|punishing]] [[w:Offshoring|offshoring]] [[companies]] into submission. As he told a [[New Hampshire]] crowd—folks all too familiar with the opioid scourge—he can cure the [[Opioid epidemic in the United States|addiction epidemic]] by building a [[Mexico|Mexican]] wall and keeping the cartels out. He will spare the United States from humiliation and [[military]] defeat with indiscriminate [[Bombs|bombing]]. It doesn’t matter that no credible military leader has endorsed his plan. He never offers details for how these plans will work, because he can’t. Trump’s promises are the needle in America’s collective vein.<br /><br />The great tragedy is that many of the problems Trump identifies are real, and so many of the hurts he exploits demand serious thought and measured action—from [[Government|governments]], yes, but also from [[community]] leaders and individuals. Yet so long as people rely on that quick high, so long as [[wolves]] point their fingers at everyone but themselves, the [[Nations|nation]] delays a necessary reckoning. There is no self-reflection in the midst of a false [[euphoria]]. <b>Trump is cultural [[heroin]].</b> He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.<br /><br />I’m not sure when or how that realization arrives: maybe in a few months, when Trump loses the [[Elections|election]]; maybe in a few years, when his supporters realize that even with a President Trump, their homes and families are still domestic war zones, their [[newspapers]]’ obituaries continue to fill with the names of people who died too soon, and their faith in the [[American Dream]] continues to falter. But it will come, and when it does, I hope Americans cast their gaze to those with the most power to address so many of these problems: each other. And then, perhaps the nation will trade the quick high of “[[Make America Great Again]]” for real [[medicine]]. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/opioid-of-the-masses/489911/ "Opioid of the Masses"], ''The Atlantic'' (July 4, 2016) * “[[Human|Humans]] appear to have some need to look down on someone; there’s just a basic tribalistic impulse in all of us,” Vance recently told The American Conservative. “And if you’re an elite [[White people|white]] professional, [[Working class in the United States|working-class]] whites are an easy target: You don’t have to feel guilty for being a [[Racism in the United States|racist]] or a [[Xenophobia|xenophobe]]. By looking down on the hillbilly, you can get that high of self-righteousness and superiority without violating any of the moral norms of your own tribe.” ** according to [https://nypost.com/2016/07/30/why-white-trash-americans-are-flocking-to-donald-trump/ Why ‘white trash’ Americans are flocking to Donald Trump] (2016/07/30/) * I think there's a chance, if I feel like Trump has a really good chance of winning, that I might have to hold my nose and vote for [[Hillary Clinton]]. * I think that I'm going to vote third party because I can't stomach Trump. I think that he's noxious and is leading the white working class to a very dark place. And ultimately I just don't share Hillary Clinton's [[politics]]. ** [https://www.npr.org/2016/08/17/490328484/hillbilly-elegy-recalls-a-childhood-where-poverty-was-the-family-tradition "'Hillbilly Elegy' Recalls A Childhood Where Poverty Was 'The Family Tradition'"], ''NPR'' (August 17, 2016) * Trump makes people I care about afraid. [[Immigration|Immigrants]], [[Islam in the United States|Muslims]], etc. Because of this I find him reprehensible. [[God]] wants better of us. ** Tweet (October 2016), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) * Fellow [[Christianity|Christians]], everyone is watching us when we apologize for this man. Lord help us. ** Tweet (October 2016), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) ** Following ''The Washington Post'' account of the [[w:Donald Trump Access Hollywood tape|Donald Trump ''Access Hollywood'' tape]] on October 7, 2016 * [On [[National Public Radio|NPR]], August 2016] I can't stomach Trump * [Interviewed by [[w:Charlie Rose|Charlie Rose]], <!-- 18 -->October 2016] I'm a Never-Trump guy. I never liked him. ** As cited by Amy B. Wang and Meryl Kornfield in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/07/15/jd-vance-vp-pick-trump/ "J.D. Vance’s journey from a 'Never Trump' guy to Trump’s VP pick"], ''The Washington Post'' (July 15, 2024) * I think this election is really having a negative effect especially on the white working class. What it’s doing is giving people an excuse to point the finger at someone else, point the finger at [[Mexican Americans|Mexican immigrants]], or [[China|Chinese]] trade or the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] elites or whatever else. ** Said in an interview in October 2016, cited in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cn07dv4mrg2o "JD Vance was once 'never Trump'. Now he's his running mate"], ''BBC'' (July 16, 2024) * My God what an idiot. ** About Donald Trump, in a tweet in October 2016, cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/23/jd-vance-ohio-senate-trump-comments-516865 "‘My god what an idiot’: J.D. Vance gets whacked for past Trump comments"], ''Politico'' (October 23, 2021) * Trump's biggest failure as a political leader is that he sees the worst in people and he encourages the worst in people. ** Interview: [https://time.com/4556065/jd-vance-white-working-class/ "J.D. Vance on Why Life Might Get Worse for the White Working Class"], ''Time'' (November 3, 2016) * My fear with Trump was always that he didn't have great solutions. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/paloma/daily-202/2016/12/21/daily-202-why-the-author-of-hillbilly-elegy-is-moving-home-to-ohio/5859da6ee9b69b36fcfeaf48/ "The Daily 202: Why the author of ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ is moving home to Ohio"], ''The Washington Post'' (December 21, 2016) ====Interview, ''Slate'' (August 25, 2016)==== :<small>'''[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2016/08/hillbilly-elegy-author-j-d-vance-on-trump-racism-and-how-the-media-is-failing-the-white-working-class.html "Compassion, and Criticism, for the White Working Class"], ''Slate'' (August 25, 2016)'''</small> * Donald Trump is frankly dangerous. * My view is both that Trump is tapping into some racially ugly attitudes, but also that he is leading people to racially ugly attitudes. * When people read ''[[w:Breitbart News|Breitbart]]'' every single day and convince themselves that [[Barack Obama]] is a foreign [[Terrorism|terrorist]], that is not a problem of government. That is a problem of community failure, and we have to recognize that. * I don’t think that 60-70 percent of working-class white voters would have supported a [[w:Trump travel ban|Muslim ban]] before Donald Trump said something about a Muslim ban. I think that all you have to do is go back to the most recent Republican president and the way that [[George W. Bush]] encouraged us to think openly and supportively about our Muslim citizens. There is an element here where I think it’s not just that Trump is exploiting something but he’s also leading the white working class to a very dark place. ====''[[w:Hillbilly Elegy|Hillbilly Elegy]]''==== * President Obama came on the scene right as so many people in my community began to believe that the modern American meritocracy was not built for them. We know we're not doing well. We see it every day: in the obituaries for teenage kids that conspicuously omit the cause of death (reading between the lines: overdose), in the deadbeats we watch our daughters waste their time with. Barack Obama strikes at the heart of our deepest insecurities. He is a good father while many of us aren't. He wears suits to his job while we wear overalls, if we're lucky enough to have a job at all. [[Michelle Obama|His wife]] tells us that we shouldn't be feeding our children certain foods, and we hate her for it--not because we think she's wrong, but because we know she's right. * I don't know what the answer is, precisely, but I know it starts when we stop blaming Obama or Bush or faceless companies and ask ourselves what we can do to make things better. * Even at my best, I'm a delayed explosion - I can be defused, but only with skill and precision. It's not just that I've learned to control myself but that Usha has learned how to manage me. ===2017=== * At a pivotal time in my life, Barack Obama gave me hope that a boy who grew up like me could still achieve the most important of my dreams. For that, I'll miss him, and the example he set. ** Opinion: [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/02/opinion/barack-obama-and-me.html "Barack Obama and Me"], ''The New York Times'' (January 2, 2017) * In 4 years, I hope people remember that it was those of us who empathized with Trump's voters who fought him the most aggressively. ** Tweet (March 2017), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) === 2018=== * I quickly realized that Trump's actual policy proposals, such as they are, range from immoral to absurd. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/02/18/donald-trump-white-working-class-rust-belt-voters-elections-2016-column/80422422/ "Trump speaks for those Bush betrayed"], ''USA Today'' (February 16, 2018) ===2020=== * Trump has just so thoroughly failed to deliver on his economic populism (excepting a disjointed [[China–United States relations|China policy]]) ** Tweeted in February 2020, quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/jd-vance-trump-economy-election-b2620029.html "JD Vance said Trump ‘thoroughly failed to deliver’ his economic agenda in uncovered 2020 messages"], ''Independent'' (September 27, 2024) ===2021=== *The next time that we get power, whether it's...President Trump round two in 2024...I think the thing that we have to take away from the last ten years is that we really need to be really ruthless when it comes to the exercise of power. **On the [[w:The Federalist|Federalist Radio Hour]] (May 18, 2021), as cited in "Why J.D. Vance Is Thinking 'Very Seriously' About A Senate Bid". Event occurs from 25:31 to 25:39. * And I ask folks not to judge me based on what I said in 2016, because I’ve been very open that I did say those critical things and I regret them, and I regret being wrong about the guy. ** On ''[[Fox News]]'' (July 5, 2021), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''[[CNN]]'' (July 6, 2021) * I think that what Trump should do, like if I was giving him one piece of advice, fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace them with our people, and when the courts - because you will get taken to court - and then when the courts stop you, stand before the country like Andrew Jackson did and say: the Chief Justice has made his ruling, now let him enforce it. ** On ''Jack Murphy Live'' (September 17, 2021) as cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/j-d-vance-confronted-donald-trump-supreme-court-1866713 "Republican J.D. Vance Confronted on Wanting to Fire 'Every Civil Servant'"] ''Newsweek'' (February 5, 2024) * If you're a journalist and you’re not asking questions about this case you should be ashamed of yourself. ** Written about the [[Jeffrey Epstein]] case in a [https://x.com/JDVance/status/1476544880797270020 social media post] on December 30, 2021, quoted in [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/07/16/popular-podcaster-lobs-barb-at-jd-vance-over-epstein-files-00459059 "Popular podcaster lobs barb at JD Vance over Epstein files"] ''Politico'' (July 16, 2025) ===2022=== * I think if any of us want to do the things that we want to do for our country and for the people who live in it, we have to honestly and aggressively attack the [[universities]] in this country. ** From his speech "The professors are the enemy", quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/2022-midterm-elections-business-ohio-education-186ca3f092a60603891b60e199a3fa02 "JD Vance paid $70K by colleges he bashes as Senate candidate"], ''AP News'' (April 21, 2022) * We are effectively run in this country, via the Democrats, via our [[Corporations|corporate]] [[Oligarchy|oligarchs]], by a bunch of '''childless cat ladies''' who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. And it's just a basic fact. If you look at [[Kamala Harris]], [[Pete Buttigieg]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]] — the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it? If we want a healthy ruling class in this country, we should invest more, we should vote more, we should support people who actually have kids, because those are the people who actually have a direct stake in the future of the country. ** From the interview by [[Tucker Carlson]] on ''[[Fox News]]'' at [https://www.foxnews.com/video/6265796735001 JD Vance: The US is being run by 'childless cat ladies'] (July 29, 2021), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/aoc-jd-vance-cat-ladies-b1894081.html "AOC hits back at JD Vance after he calls her and Pete Buttigieg 'childless cat ladies'’ who shouldn’t govern because they don’t have kids"], ''The Independent'' (July 30, 2021), and as cited in Grace Panetta [https://msmagazine.com/2024/07/15/jd-vance-trump-vp-pick-abortion-lgbtq-women/ "JD Vance, Trump’s VP Pick, Has Opposed Abortion and LGBTQ+ Rights"], ''Ms'' (July 15, 2024), reprinted from ''[[w:The 19th|The 19th]]'', and as cited in [https://www.today.com/news/childless-cat-lady-jd-vance-kamala-harris-rcna163254 Why JD Vance’s 2021 comments calling Kamala Harris a ‘childless cat lady’ are going viral], the [[w:Today (American TV program)|NBC ''Today'' show]] (July 23, 2024) ** Vice President Kamala Harris has two step-children with her husband [[w:Doug Emhoff|Doug Emhoff]]. * Did you see me on FOX Primetime recently? I needed to speak DIRECTLY to patriots like you about the serious issue of radical childless leaders in this country. [...] We can’t have people who don't have a direct stake in this country making our most important decisions.<br />We've allowed ourselves to be dominated by childless [[Sociopath|sociopaths]] - they're invested in NOTHING because they're not invested in this country's children. Fighting back won't be easy - our childless opponents have a lot of free time. That's why I need YOU to stand with me. ** From a fundraising email (August 2021) for his Senate run, as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/30/politics/kfile-jd-vance-history-disparaging-people-without-kids/index.html "It's not just 'cat ladies': JD Vance has a history of disparaging people without kids"], ''CNN'' (July 30, 2024) * I believe the [[devil]] is real and that he works terrible things in our society. That's a crazy [[Conspiracy theories|conspiracy theory]] to a lot of very well-educated people in this country right now. **From a [https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/24815790/jd-vance-teneo-network-2021-speech.pdf speech Vance gave at the Teneo Network conference]. As cited by Kroll, Andy (June 16, 2024). [https://www.propublica.org/article/jd-vance-alex-jones-leonard-leo-teneo-maddow-video "In Private Speech, J.D. Vance Said the 'Devil Is Real' and Praised Alex Jones as a Truth-Teller"]. ''ProPublica''. * [On his opposition to abortion in cases involving [[incest]] or [[rape]]] It's not whether a [[Women|woman]] should be forced to bring a [[Children|child]] to term, it's whether a child should be allowed to live, even though the circumstances of that child's birth are somehow inconvenient or a problem to the society. * The question to me is really about the baby [...] We want women to have opportunities, we want women to have choices, but, above all, we want women and young boys in the womb to have a right to life. ** In an interview on ''Spectrum News'' (Columbus, Ohio; September 22, 2021), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/vance-abortion-rape/2021/09/24/c3007318-1d32-11ec-8380-5fbadbc43ef8_story.html "Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance argues against need for rape and incest exceptions in abortion laws"], ''The Washington Post'' (September 24, 2021) * This is one of the great tricks that I think the [[w:Sexual_revolution|sexual revolution]] pulled on the American populace, which is the idea that like, "well, OK, these [[Marriage|marriages]] were fundamentally, you know, they were maybe even violent, but certainly they were unhappy. And so getting rid of them and making it easier for people to shift spouses like they change their underwear, that’s going to make people happier in the long term." * And maybe it worked out for the moms and dads, though I'm skeptical. But it really didn't work out for the kids of those marriages. [...] And that's what I think all of us should be honest about, is we've run this experiment in real time. And what we have is a lot of very, very real family dysfunction that's making our kids unhappy. ** Speaking at Pacifica Christian High School, <!-- Newport Beach -->California (September 2021), as cited in [https://www.vice.com/en/article/93abve/jd-vance-suggests-people-in-violent-marriages-shouldnt-get-divorced "JD Vance Suggests People in ‘Violent’ Marriages Shouldn’t Get Divorced"], ''Vice'' (July 25, 2022) * There's something comparable between [[abortion]] and [[slavery]] [...] and that while the people who obviously suffer the most are those subjected to it, I think it has this morally distorting effect on the entire society. ** On the ''Catholic Currents'' podcast (October 20, 2021), as cited in [https://ohiocapitaljournal.com/2022/07/26/black-state-lawmakers-take-aim-at-vance-over-comments-likening-abortion-to-slavery/ "Black state lawmakers take aim at Vance over comments likening abortion to slavery"], ''Ohio Capital Journal'' (July 28, 2022) ** The date of the podcast is taken from the [https://thecatholiccurrent.libsyn.com/new-voices-for-life-and-liberty-jd-vance-karoline-leavitt linked source]. * So much of what we want to accomplish, so much of what we want to do in this movement, in this country, I think are fundamentally dependent on going through a set of very hostile institutions, specifically the universities, which control the [[knowledge]] in our society, which control what we call truth and what we call falsity, that provides research that gives credibility to some of the most ridiculous ideas that exist in our country. * I think if any of us want to do the things that we want to do for our country and for the people who live in it, we have to honestly and aggressively attack the universities in this country. * The universities in our country are fundamentally corrupt and dedicated to deceit and lies, not to the truth. * The simple fact is that our universities tell the powerful what they want to hear, and they couch it in ridiculous political rhetoric instead of dealing with the real consequences of progressive policy. * [[Progressivism|Progressive]] politics, it’s not about uplifting [[Minority group|minorities]], it’s not about healing our [[planet]], it’s not about looking after the [[Poverty|poor]]. Progressive politics is a language, a language used by our new oligarchy to do two things: On the one hand to rob the American people blind, and on the second hand to tell them to shut the hell up about it if they dare complain. That is the purpose of American progressive politics. * We are giving our children over to our enemies and it’s time we stop doing it. * We have got to get out of the mindset that the only way to live a good life in this country, the only way for our children to succeed, is to go to a four-year university, where people will learn to hate their country and acquire a lot of debt in the process. * The professors are the enemy. ** Speech November 2, 2021: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FR65Cifnhw "J.D. Vance | The Universities are the Enemy | National Conservatism Conference II"], ''National Conservatism'' (November 10, 2021) * I don't really care what happens to [[Ukraine]] one way or another. ** On [[Steve Bannon]]'s ''War Room'' podcast (February 19, 2022), as cited in [https://www.businessinsider.com/gop-candidate-jd-vance-i-dont-care-what-happens-ukraine-2022-2 "GOP Senate candidate JD Vance said he doesn't 'really care what happens to Ukraine'"], ''Business Insider'' (February 21, 2022) * We didn't not serve in the [[United States Marine Corps|Marine Corps]] to go and fight [[Vladimir Putin]] because he didn't believe in [[Transgender rights movement|transgender rights]] [...] Which is what the [[United States Department of State|U.S. State Department]] is saying is a major problem with [[Russia]]. ** On [[Steve Bannon]]'s ''War Room'' podcast (February 19, 2022), as cited in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/feb/21/jd-vance/jd-vance-says-transgender-rights-drives-looming-co/ "Says Joe Biden risks war with Russia because Vladimir Putin doesn't 'believe in transgender rights'"], ''Politifact'' (February 21, 2022) * If your worldview tells you that it's bad for women to become [[mothers]] but liberating for them to work 90 hours a week in a cubicle at the ''[[The New York Times|New York Times]]'' or [[w:Goldman Sachs|Goldman Sachs]], you've been had. ** [https://x.com/JDVance1/status/1541113407650336768?s=20&t=z_g7zQL385LLqfQ463AJtA Tweet] (June 26, 2022), as cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/01/style/usha-jd-vance-ohio.html "From Yale to Newsmax, Usha Vance Has Helped J.D. Vance Chart His Path"], ''The New York Times'' (November 1, 2022) ** The [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] had ended ''[[Roe v. Wade]]'' two days earlier. ===2023=== * Trump’s Best Foreign Policy? Not Starting Any Wars * He has my support in 2024 because I know he won’t recklessly send Americans to fight overseas. ** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trumps-best-foreign-policy-not-starting-any-wars-ukraine-russia-war-rocket-nuclear-power-weapons-defense-11675186959 "Trump’s Best Foreign Policy? Not Starting Any Wars"] ''Wall Street Journal'' (January 31, 2023) *We have built a [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] of hectoring and moralizing and lecturing countries that don't want anything to do with this. The [[China|Chinese]] have a [[foreign policy]] of building [[Road|roads]] and [[Bridge|bridges]] and feeding poor people, and I think that we should pursue a foreign policy, a [[diplomacy]], of [[respect]] and a foreign policy that is not rooted in moralizing; it is rooted in the national interests of this country. ** [https://www.congress.gov/congressional-record/volume-169/issue-65/senate-section/article/S1238-1 FIRE GRANTS AND SAFETY ACT--Continued] (April 19, 2023) ===2024=== * The United States has provided a blanket of security to [[Europe]] for far too long. * The question each European nation needs to ask itself is this: are you prepared to defend yourself? And the question the US must ask is: if our European allies can't even defend themselves, are they allies, or clients? * In the US, justifications for the war often depend on a contemporary domino theory: unless we stop [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] in [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|Ukraine]], he won't stop there. But the time has come for Europe to stand on its own feet. That doesn't mean it has to stand alone, but it must not continue to use America as a crutch. ** [https://www.ft.com/content/3c87ef13-122f-4e78-a7af-54c75c30a91d "Europe must stand on its own two feet on defence"], ''Financial Times'' (February 19, 2024) ** The [[w:Domino theory|Domino theory]] during the [[Cold War]] postulated that if one country came under the influence of Communism, its neighbors would follow. It was used as an argument in favor of American intervention. * I have to beat up on the [[United Kingdom|UK]] – just one additional thing. I was talking with a friend recently and we were talking about, you know, one of the big dangers in the world, of course, is [[w:Nuclear proliferation|nuclear proliferation]], though, of course, the [[Presidency of Joe Biden|Biden administration]] doesn't care about it.<br />And I was talking about, you know, what is the first truly [[Islamism|Islamist]] country that will get a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear weapon]], and we were like, maybe it's [[Iran]], you know, maybe [[Pakistan]] already kind of counts, and then we sort of finally decided maybe it's actually the UK, since [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] just took over. ** At the [[w:National Conservatism Conference|National Conservative Conference]] in Washington DC (July 11, 2024), as cited in Jessica Elgot [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/article/2024/jul/16/trump-running-mate-jd-vance-uk-first-islamist-country-nuclear-weapon "Trump’s running mate says UK could be ‘first Islamist country’ with nuclear weapons"], ''The Guardian'' (July 16, 2024). ** The [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 United Kingdom general election]] was held on 4 July 2024 resulting in the Labour Party gaining a parliamentary majority. *[On attacks on [[United States Armed Forces|U.S. troops]] in the [[Middle East]] from [[Armed Forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran|forces connected to Iran]]] They have attacked, certain militia groups have attacked and I think we've done the right thing, a proportionate response. If they hit us, we have to hit them back but if you're talking about an attack on the [[Iran|Iranian]] mainland, that would be a significant escalation right now that would be a mistake. **On ''Face the Nation'' (CBS, October 29, 2023) [https://thehill.com/policy/international/4282057-jd-vance-says-he-would-not-support-authorizing-military-action-in-iran/ "JD Vance says he would not support authorizing military action in Iran"], ''The Hill'' (October 29, 2023) * There are just these basic cadences of life that I think are really powerful and really valuable when you have kids in your life. And the fact that so many people, especially in America’s leadership class, just don’t have that in their lives. You know, I worry that it makes people more sociopathic and ultimately our whole country a little bit less, less mentally stable. And of course, you talk about going on [[Twitter]] — final point I’ll make is, you go on Twitter and almost always the people who are most deranged and most psychotic are people who don’t have kids at home. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4799959-vance-criticizes-childless-people/ "Vance: 'Childless people' in US leadership 'more sociopathic'"], ''The Hill'' (July 30, 2024) * Democrats say that it is racist to believe, well, they say it’s racist to do anything. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/j-d-vance-toasts-diet-105856732.html "J.D. Vance Toasts With Diet Mountain Dew After ‘Racist’ Joke Falls Flat"], ''Yahoo News'' (August 2, 2024) * I think Donald Trump didn't serve in the military, but he didn't lie about it. * Donald Trump didn't lie about serving in the military. He didn't say that he went to [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]] when he didn't. This is the problem. I don't criticize anybody. Whether they served in our country or not. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-confronted-donald-trump-avoiding-service-vietnam-war-1937536 "JD Vance Confronted on Donald Trump Avoiding Service in Vietnam War"], ''Newsweek'' (August 11, 2024) * Average new [[car]] costs nearly $50,000 a year. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/184885/jd-vance-speech-michigan-mistake "Watch: Idiot J.D. Vance’s Speech Derails With Embarrassing Flubs"], ''New Republic'' (August 14, 2024) * She’s not doing a very good job. ** Claimed about Tom Vilsack, Agriculture Secretary, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184885/jd-vance-speech-michigan-mistake "Watch: Idiot J.D. Vance’s Speech Derails With Embarrassing Flubs"], ''New Republic'' (August 14, 2024) * We can't worry about polls. * I'm telling you, every single person who’s watching this, the Trump campaign is in a very, very good spot. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/jd-vance-compares-kamala-harris-to-jeffrey-epstein-in-fox-news-interview "JD Vance Compares Kamala Harris to Jeffrey Epstein in Fox News Interview"], The ''Daily Beast'' (August 18, 2024) * Consistently what you’ve seen in 2016 and [[2020 United States presidential election|2020]], is that the [[Mass media|media]] uses fake polls to drive down Republican turnout and to create dissension and conflict within Republican voters. ** Claimed when commenting polls presented by Fox News, quoted in [https://www.salon.com/2024/08/18/jd-vance-thinks-polls-showing-surge-of-harris-support-are-fake/ "JD Vance thinks polls showing surge of Harris support are "fake""], ''Salon'' (August 18, 2024) * I just don’t understand a person in American politics in 2024 who’s whining about what happened to them instead of using their leadership and using their influence to make the lives of American citizens better. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-whining-dnc-reaction-cnn_n_66c6c7f9e4b0f1ca4693d24b "Critics Think JD Vance's DNC Response Applies Perfectly To Trump"], ''Huffington Post'' (August 22, 2024) * Donald Trump can point to four years of successful leadership and say "I delivered rising prices". ** [https://boingboing.net/2024/08/22/some-of-the-witless-things-jd-vance-said-yesterday.html "Some of the witless things JD Vance said yesterday"], ''Boing Boing'' (August 22, 2024) * Sounds like we got some fans and some haters. ** [https://therecount.com/watch/sounds-like-we-got-some/2645896079 "Sounds like we got some fans & some haters": Vance is booed before speaking in front of firefighters union in Boston."], ''The Count''(August 29, 2024) * President Trump and I are proud to be the most pro-worker Republican ticket in history. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-booed-during-speech-firefighters-1946265 "JD Vance Booed During Speech to Firefighters"], ''Newsweek'' (August 29, 2024) * While it’s tempting, and I’m sure it would make some big headlines, don’t worry any-ev-everybody I’m not going to try to take off my shirt here. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/185447/jd-vance-booed-speech-firefighters "J.D. Vance Booed by Entire Crowd During Dumpster Fire Speech"], ''New Republic'' (August 29, 2024) * They couldn't beat him at the ballot box, so they tried to [[Bankruptcy|bankrupt]] him. They failed at that, so they tried to [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeach]] him. They failed at that. So they tried to put him in [[prison]], and they even tried to kill him. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/29/trump-assassination-attempt-vance-republicans-lie/74958685007/ "They tried to kill him' is now the bogus claim Vance uses to introduce Trump" / "One person tried to kill Trump ‒ and he wasn't a Democrat"], ''USA Today'' (August 29, 2024) * I’ve said a lot of stupid things on camera, sometimes when you’re in the public eye you make mistakes and again. I think the best way to deal with it is to laugh at ourselves, laugh at this stuff and try to have some fun in politics. ** [https://www.inkl.com/news/vance-bizarrely-compares-harris-cnn-interview-to-flubbed-answer-by-teen-beauty-queen-17-years-ago "Vance Bizarrely Compares Harris's CNN Interview To Flubbed Answer by Teen Beauty Queen 17 Years Ago"], ''Inkl'' (August 30, 2024) * Months ago, I raised the issue of [[Haiti|Haitian]] illegal immigrants draining [[Social programs in the United States|social services]] and generally causing chaos all over Springfield, Ohio. Reports now show that people have had their pets abducted and eaten by people who shouldn’t be in this country. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4869901-vance-haitians-eating-pets-ohio-trump/ "Vance pushes false accusations of Haitians eating pets"], ''The Hill'' (September 9, 2024) * I don't think most Americans, whether they like her music, are fans of her or not, are going to be influenced by a billionaire celebrity who I think is fundamentally disconnected from their interests and the problems of most Americans. ** Claimed about [[Taylor Swift]] after she endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris in the 2024 Presidential Election, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/taylor-swift-jd-vance-kamala-harris-fox-news-comments-1953155 "JD Vance's Response to Taylor Swift Endorsing Kamala Harris Backfires"], ''Newsweek'' (September 13, 2024) *The American media totally ignored this stuff, until Donald Trump and I started talking about cat memes.<br>If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do. ** Said about his claims about Haitians supposedly eating cats, dogs and ducks in Springfield, Ohia, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/republican-ohio-gov-mike-dewine-trump-vance-false-immigrant-pets-conspiracy.html "‘A piece of garbage’: Republican Ohio Gov. condemns Trump-Vance false immigrant pet-eating conspiracy"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * [[Eggs]], when Kamala Harris took office, were short of $1.50 a dozen. Now a dozen eggs will cost you around $4. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/jd-vance-eggs-kamala-harris-b2617527.html "JD Vance mocked for another botched photo opp — as he blames Harris for eggs costing $4 while standing in front of a $2.99 display2], ''Independent'' (September 24, 2024) * The rules were that you guys weren’t going to fact-check. And since you’re fact-checking me, I think it’s important to say what’s actually going on. ** October 1, 2024, addressing debate moderators ({{cite news |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/01/us/politics/cbs-debate-fact-checking-vance.html |newspaper=[[The New York Times]] |date=October 1, 2024 |first=Michael M. |last=Grynbaum |title=CBS Sought the Middle Ground on Fact-Checking. Vance Jumped Into the Gap.}} {{cite news |title=JD Vance's mic gets cut while talking about Springfield at VP debate |agency=[[w:NBC News]] |first=Alex |last=Seitz-Wald |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/jd-vances-mic-gets-cut-talking-springfield-vp-debate-rcna173562 |date=October 1, 2024}}) * Our interest very much is in not going to war with Iran. It would be a huge distraction of resources. It would be massively expensive to our country, * America doesn’t have to constantly police every region of the world. We should empower people to police their own regions of the world. One: We would save a lot of money. Two: We’d save a lot of focus. ** [https://www.timesofisrael.com/vance-us-and-israeli-interests-wont-always-overlap-we-dont-want-war-with-iran/ "Vance: US and Israeli interests won’t always overlap; we don’t want war with Iran"] ''The Times of Israel'' (October 29, 2024) * In two days, we are going to take out the trash in [[Washington, D.C.]], and the trash’s name is Kamala Harris. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/11/04/election-2024-live-updates-trump-harris/76033477007/ "Election 2024 live updates: Trump, Harris await Election Day results; new polls"], ''USA Today'' (November 4, 2024) ===2025=== * I don't think stupid social media activity should ruin a kid’s life. We shouldn't reward journalists who try to destroy people. Ever. ** Cited in {{cite news|author1=Bobby Allyn|author2=Shannon Bond|title=Member of Elon Musk's DOGE team resigns after racist posts resurface |url=https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury |website=npr.org |publisher=National Public Radio |access-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250207002354/https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury |url-status=live }} [https://x.com/JDVance/status/1887900880143343633] {{cite news|author1=Dan Mangan|author2=Kevin Breuninger |title=Staffer at Musk’s DOGE resigns after racist social media posts exposed |url=https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/06/musk-doge-staffer-resigns-over-racist-social-media-posts.html |website=cnbc.com |publisher=CNBC |access-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-date=February 6, 2025 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250206224546/https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/06/musk-doge-staffer-resigns-over-racist-social-media-posts.html |url-status=live }} * Even when people express views outside your own country, and even when those people are very influential – and trust me, I say this with all humour – if American democracy can survive ten years of [[Greta Thunberg]]'s scolding you guys can survive a few months of [[Elon Musk]]. ** Speech at the [[w:Munich Security Conference|Munich Security Conference]] in Germany (February 14, 2025), as cited in [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/jd-vance-what-i-worry-about-is-the-threat-from-within/ "Read: JD Vance’s full speech on the fall of Europe"], ''The Spectator'' (London, February 14, 2025) ([https://archive.is/LyPyC Archive save]) * I think a lot of European nations were right about our [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|invasion of Iraq]]. And frankly, if the Europeans had been a little more independent, and a little more willing to stand up, then maybe we could have saved the entire world from the strategic disaster that was the American-led invasion of Iraq. ** From an interview with the Unherd website, as cited in [https://www.dw.com/en/jd-vance-says-europe-should-have-done-more-to-stop-iraq-war/a-72250397 "JD Vance says Europe should have done more to stop Iraq War"], ''DW'' (April 15, 2025). ** The original (paywalled) article is [https://unherd.com/2025/04/jd-vance-my-message-to-europe/ here] and the complete transcript is [https://unherd.com/2025/04/transcript-unherds-interview-with-jd-vance/ here]. * President Trump has done more than anyone in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I am proud to stand beside him. * There are many lies the corporate media tells about President Trump. One of the most glaring is that he's impulsive or short-tempered. Anyone who has seen him operate under pressure knows that's ridiculous. ** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/day-after-blistering-exchange-trump-calls-elon-musk/story?id=122567621 "Trump tells ABC Musk 'lost his mind'; 'not particularly' interested in talking to him"], ''ABC News'' (June 6, 2025) * Seriously, we need to release the Epstein list. That is an important thing. ** Said in an October 2024 podcast, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5407114-theo-von-criticizes-epstein-files-release/ "Theo Von asks ‘what changed’ with Vance on Epstein files"] ''The Hill'' (July 17, 2025) * Well, I've finally made it. ** Reaction to being parodied in ''[[South Park]]'', quoted in [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/ive-finally-made-it-jd-vance-reacts-to-animated-debut-on-south-park-9044500 "JD Vance responds to South Park’s brutal takedown of Trump admin"] ''NDTV'' (August 7, 2025) * If you go back to [[World War II]], if you go back to [[World War I]], if you go back to every major conflict in human history, they all end with some kind of negotiation. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-world-war-2-russia-ukraine_n_68ab4784e4b0434e01af8c5a "JD Vance Bungles Basic History While Talking Russia-Ukraine Negotiations"] ''Huffington Post'' (August 24, 2025) ===2026=== * [On the economy] You don't turn the [[w:Sinking of the Titanic|Titanic]] around overnight. It takes time to fix what was broken. ** From a speech in Toledo, Ohio (January 22, 2026), as cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/205567/jd-vance-compares-america-titanic "JD Vance Unironically Compares America to the Titanic"], ''The New Republic'' (January 23, 2026). *I don’t think they’re aliens. I think they’re demons anyway, but that’s a longer discussion. Well, look, I think that celestial beings who fly around, who do weird things to people. I think that the desire to describe everything celestial, everything is otherworldly, to describe it as aliens. I mean, every great world religion, including Christianity, the one that I believe in, has understood that there are weird things out there and there are things that are very difficult to explain. I naturally go ― when I hear about, sort of, extra natural phenomenon, that’s where I go to ― to the Christian understanding that there’s a lot of good out there, but there’s also some evil out there. And I think that one of the devil’s great tricks is to convince people he never existed. :*Quoted in Kelby Vera, ''[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-aliens-demons-devil_n_69c93d9de4b0a014076f69bb JD Vance Believes UFO Sightings Are 1 Of The 'Devil’s Great Tricks']'', ''Huffington Post'' (March 29, 2026) *I think it's very, very important for the pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/vance-warns-pope-careful-talking-theology-rcna331881 April 14, 2026] * Now, you can't boo me. I'm the Vice President of the United States. ** [https://www.rawstory.com/vance-cannot-boo-me/ "Vance forbids Air Force cadets from heckling him at graduation: 'You can't boo me'"] ''RawStory'' (May 28, 2026) * I think that America has earned the trust of that region of the world ** Claimed about the Middle East after the US attack on Iran, quoted in [https://www.telegraphindia.com/world/israels-freakout-over-us-iran-agreement-a-little-bit-odd-attacks-in-beirut-not-acceptable-jd-vance/cid/2166165 "Israel's 'freakout' over US-Iran agreement a 'little bit odd', attacks in Beirut 'not acceptable': JD Vance"] ''The Telegraph of India'' (June 18, 2026) == Quotes about J.D. Vance == * We've endorsed J.P. — right? J.D. Mandel, and he’s doing great. ** [[Donald Trump]], referring to J.D. Vance in May 2022 at a rally in [[Nebraska]], cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/15/us/politics/jd-vance-name.html "J.D. Vance Was Not Always His Name. But It’s the One That Felt Closest to Home."], ''The New York Times'' (July 15, 2024) * J.D. is kissing my ass. He wants my support so bad. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html "Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun"], ''CNN'' (September 19, 2022) * We're going to defeat Donald Trump, the career criminal and incorrigible recidivist con man and his pet chameleon. JD Vance. ** [[Jamie Raskin]], U.S. representative for Maryland, at the 2024 Democratic National Convention *Vance did not get this extremist ideology from his Appalachian upbringing or—needless to say—Yale Law. It was incubated in America's tech capital, [[San Francisco]], where he forged crucial ties with [[Peter Thiel|Thiel]], [[Curtis Yarvin|Yarvin]], and [[w:David Sacks|David Sacks]], the longtime Thiel associate and pro-[[Putin]] crusader who recently hosted a Trump fundraiser at his mansion in Pacific Heights. And if Vance ends up in the [[White House]], it will be with $45 million in monthly campaign contributions from [[Elon Musk|Musk]], who already made a $44 billion in-kind contribution by gutting San Francisco-based [[Twitter]] and transforming it into a right-wing misinformation weapon. **[[w:Gil Duran|Gil Duran]] writing in [https://newrepublic.com/article/183971/jd-vance-weird-terrifying-techno-authoritarian-ideas "Where J.D. Vance Gets His Weird, Terrifying Techno-Authoritarian Ideas"], ''The New Republic'' (July 22, 2024) * Historically, the choice of the vice president makes no difference. You're voting for the president. And you can have a vice president who's outstanding in every way—and I think JD is, I think that all of them would have been—but you're not voting that way, you're voting for the president. ** Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-says-jd-vance-has-virtually-no-impact-election-1932832 "Donald Trump Says JD Vance Has 'Virtually No Impact' on Election"], ''Newsweek'' (July 31, 2024) * Not me. They’re talking about J.D. ** [[Donald Trump]], after he and JD Vance had been called "weird", quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/vance-defends-trump-nick-fuentes-dinner-1235077931/ "J.D. Vance Likes That Trump ‘Will Talk to Anybody,’ Including Nazi-Loving Nick Fuentes"], (August 11, 2024) * JD Vance, do you understand why there was a sudden job opening for running mate on the GOP ticket? They tried to kill your predecessor. They tried to kill him because he would not follow Trump’s plan to destroy and nullify the votes of millions of Americans. ** [[Jamie Raskin]], U.S. representative for Maryland, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/4836461-jamie-raskin-jd-vance-donald-trump-mike-pence-jan-6-dnc-remarks/ "Raskin to Vance: ‘They tried to kill your predecessor’"], ''The Hill'' (August 20, 2024) * This is a piece of garbage that is simply not true. There’s no evidence of this at all. Discussion about Haitians eating dogs is just not helpful. And, again, these people are here legally. They’re here legally, and they want to work, and they are, in fact, working. ** Republican Governor [[w:Mike DeWine|Mike DeWine]] of Ohio, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/republican-ohio-gov-mike-dewine-trump-vance-false-immigrant-pets-conspiracy.html "‘A piece of garbage’: Republican Ohio Gov. condemns Trump-Vance false immigrant pet-eating conspiracy"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * In the wake of JD Vance admitting he 'created' the pet-eating story, and as a result of the very real threats the communities and people he has targeted are now under... I am calling on him to RESIGN as our Senator. ** Senator for Ohio Casey Weinstein, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/ohio-senator-casey-weinstein-calls-jd-vance-resign-1954318 "Ohio Congressman Calls on JD Vance To Resign As Senator"], ''Newsweek'' (September 16, 2024) * Here's our state's junior Senator bragging about terrorizing Ohioans with malicious lies in order to change the subject in the national election he's losing. ** Ohio representative Michele Grim, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/ohio-senator-casey-weinstein-calls-jd-vance-resign-1954318 "Ohio Congressman Calls on JD Vance To Resign As Senator"], ''Newsweek'' (September 16, 2024) * Far from just repeating claims he’s heard, Vance has actually helped create much of the chaos he’s now trying to exploit. * This pet-eating panic was built on nothing. It turns out not long after his first post about Haitians eating pets, his campaign actually called the Springfield city manager, who remembers Vance’s staff asked point-blank: ‘Are the rumors true of pets being taken and eaten?’ and he said: ‘I told him no.’ * So Vance knew it was a lie this whole time. But instead of just admitting that. he and his campaign have been scrambling to dig up new bulls--t evidence — all of which either bears no resemblance to the claims he’s made, or falls apart at the slightest scrutiny. * It turns out he’s pretty good at parroting racist lies like the spineless dips--t that he is. ** [[John Oliver]], TV host, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/john-oliver-hammers-jd-vance-for-pushing-pet-eating-panic-he-knew-was-fake "John Oliver Hammers JD Vance for Pushing ‘Pet-Eating Panic’ He Knew Was Fake"], ''The Daily Beast'' (September 23, 2024) *Vance seems to assume that large numbers of native-born white people don’t constitute ethnic enclaves, and that communities of immigrants somehow do (and he’s clearly uninterested in understanding the forces, positive and negative, that often make newcomers cluster). [[Make America Great Again|MAGA]] has been a largely white movement of non-urban people who seem to think, like Trump himself, that people unlike them are scary and that there is only safety in homogeneity. So if you bend it around and maybe turn it inside out, there’s some “she made him do it” logic to Vance’s declaration “What happens when you have massive amounts of illegal immigration? It actually starts to create ethnic conflict. It creates higher crime rates.” It’s just that the conflict and crime doesn’t come from the immigrants. **[[Rebecca Solnit]] [https://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-jd-vance-is-just-another-know-nothing-nativist/ "JD Vance is Just Another Know Nothing Nativist"] (August 23, 2024) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Vance, J.D.}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the United States Senate]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Yale University alumni]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:United States Marines]] [[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]] 0d9pt4qab1qb8l7a6703v6av20d40k2 3954181 3954180 2026-06-18T16:35:44Z Joreberg 323041 /* 2026 */ Israel can't kill their way out of every security problem 3954181 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:March 2026 Official Vice Presidential Portrait of JD Vance.jpg|thumb|JD Vance]] '''[[w:JD Vance|James David Vance]]''' (born '''James Donald Bowman'''; August 2, 1984) is an American politician, author, and [[w:Venture capitalist|venture capitalist]]. A member of the [[Republican Party (United States)|Republican Party]], he was elected [[w:Vice President of the United States|Vice President of the United States]] in the [[2024 United States presidential election|2024 election]]. Previously he served as the [[w:Seniority in the United States Senate|junior]] [[w:United States Senate|United States senator]] from Ohio from 2023 to 2025. [[File:Donald Trump by Gage Skidmore.jpg|thumb|Of all the things I hated about my childhood, nothing compared to the revolving door of father figures.[https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/15/us/politics/27-facts-about-jd-vance.html]]] [[File:1998 RFK Silver Dollar Reverse.png|thumb|“If you’re going to punch the Iranians, you punch them hard"[https://jewishinsider.com/2024/07/vance-on-iran-if-youre-going-to-punch-the-iranians-you-punch-them-hard/]]] ==Quotes== === 2012 === * A significant part of Republican [[Immigration to the United States|immigration]] policy centers on the possibility of deporting 12 million people (or ‘self-deporting’ them). Think about it: we [[Conservatism|conservatives]] (rightly) mistrust the government to efficiently administer [[business]] loans and [[Regulation|regulate]] our food supply, yet we allegedly believe that it can deport millions of unregistered aliens. The notion fails to pass the laugh test. The same can be said for too much of the party’s platform. ** Blog post written in 2012, deleted in 2016, quoted in [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/09/17/politics/jd-vance-delete-2012-blog-post-attacking-gop-anti-immigrant-rhetoric/index.html "JD Vance got a former professor to delete a blog post Vance wrote in 2012 attacking GOP over anti-immigrant rhetoric"] ''CNN'' (September 17, 2024) * Republicans lose [[Minority group|minority]] voters for simple and obvious reasons: their policy proposals are tired, unoriginal, or openly hostile to non-whites. ** Blog post written in 2012, deleted in 2016, stored in Internet Archive: [https://web.archive.org/web/20140305032241/http://centerforworldconflictandpeace.blogspot.com/2012_11_01_archive.html "A blueprint for the GOP"] (November 15, 2012) === 2014 === * I hate the [[Law enforcement in the United States|police]]. * Given the number of negative experiences I've had in the past few years, I can't imagine what a [[Black people|Black]] guy goes through. ** Written in 2014 in an e-mail to his then close friend Sofia Nelson, identifying as transgender, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-i-hate-police-remark-raises-eyebrows-1931086 "JD Vance's 'I Hate the Police' Remark Raises Eyebrows"], ''Newsweek'' (July 27, 2024) ===2016=== * I go back and forth between thinking [[Donald Trump|Trump]] is a cynical asshole like [[Richard Nixon|Nixon]] who wouldn't be that bad (and might even prove useful) or that he's [[United States|America]]'s [[Adolf Hitler|Hitler]]. How's that for discouraging? ** From a screenshot (February 2016), as cited in [https://ohiocapitaljournal.com/2022/04/19/americas-hitler-old-j-d-vance-message-turns-up-in-heated-senate-primary/ "Vance wondered whether Trump was 'America’s Hitler,' says former roommate sharing screenshot"], ''Ohio Capital Journal'' (April 19, 2022) * Mr. Trump is unfit for [[President of the United States|our nation’s highest office]]. * Anger about the wars isn't the only reason voters support Mr. Trump. But his willingness to say what other G.O.P. candidates won't reflects what people like most about him: his complete break with the party elite. Because the last time Republican voters put a member of that elite in the White House, he sent their children on a bloody misadventure. ** [https://www.nytimes.com/2016/04/04/opinion/campaign-stops/why-trumps-antiwar-message-resonates-with-white-america.html "Why Trump’s Antiwar Message Resonates with White America"], ''The New York Times'' (April 4, 2016) * What Trump offers is an easy escape from the [[pain]]. To every complex problem, he promises a simple solution. He can bring [[jobs]] back simply by [[Punishment|punishing]] [[w:Offshoring|offshoring]] [[companies]] into submission. As he told a [[New Hampshire]] crowd—folks all too familiar with the opioid scourge—he can cure the [[Opioid epidemic in the United States|addiction epidemic]] by building a [[Mexico|Mexican]] wall and keeping the cartels out. He will spare the United States from humiliation and [[military]] defeat with indiscriminate [[Bombs|bombing]]. It doesn’t matter that no credible military leader has endorsed his plan. He never offers details for how these plans will work, because he can’t. Trump’s promises are the needle in America’s collective vein.<br /><br />The great tragedy is that many of the problems Trump identifies are real, and so many of the hurts he exploits demand serious thought and measured action—from [[Government|governments]], yes, but also from [[community]] leaders and individuals. Yet so long as people rely on that quick high, so long as [[wolves]] point their fingers at everyone but themselves, the [[Nations|nation]] delays a necessary reckoning. There is no self-reflection in the midst of a false [[euphoria]]. <b>Trump is cultural [[heroin]].</b> He makes some feel better for a bit. But he cannot fix what ails them, and one day they’ll realize it.<br /><br />I’m not sure when or how that realization arrives: maybe in a few months, when Trump loses the [[Elections|election]]; maybe in a few years, when his supporters realize that even with a President Trump, their homes and families are still domestic war zones, their [[newspapers]]’ obituaries continue to fill with the names of people who died too soon, and their faith in the [[American Dream]] continues to falter. But it will come, and when it does, I hope Americans cast their gaze to those with the most power to address so many of these problems: each other. And then, perhaps the nation will trade the quick high of “[[Make America Great Again]]” for real [[medicine]]. ** [https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2016/07/opioid-of-the-masses/489911/ "Opioid of the Masses"], ''The Atlantic'' (July 4, 2016) * “[[Human|Humans]] appear to have some need to look down on someone; there’s just a basic tribalistic impulse in all of us,” Vance recently told The American Conservative. “And if you’re an elite [[White people|white]] professional, [[Working class in the United States|working-class]] whites are an easy target: You don’t have to feel guilty for being a [[Racism in the United States|racist]] or a [[Xenophobia|xenophobe]]. By looking down on the hillbilly, you can get that high of self-righteousness and superiority without violating any of the moral norms of your own tribe.” ** according to [https://nypost.com/2016/07/30/why-white-trash-americans-are-flocking-to-donald-trump/ Why ‘white trash’ Americans are flocking to Donald Trump] (2016/07/30/) * I think there's a chance, if I feel like Trump has a really good chance of winning, that I might have to hold my nose and vote for [[Hillary Clinton]]. * I think that I'm going to vote third party because I can't stomach Trump. I think that he's noxious and is leading the white working class to a very dark place. And ultimately I just don't share Hillary Clinton's [[politics]]. ** [https://www.npr.org/2016/08/17/490328484/hillbilly-elegy-recalls-a-childhood-where-poverty-was-the-family-tradition "'Hillbilly Elegy' Recalls A Childhood Where Poverty Was 'The Family Tradition'"], ''NPR'' (August 17, 2016) * Trump makes people I care about afraid. [[Immigration|Immigrants]], [[Islam in the United States|Muslims]], etc. Because of this I find him reprehensible. [[God]] wants better of us. ** Tweet (October 2016), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) * Fellow [[Christianity|Christians]], everyone is watching us when we apologize for this man. Lord help us. ** Tweet (October 2016), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) ** Following ''The Washington Post'' account of the [[w:Donald Trump Access Hollywood tape|Donald Trump ''Access Hollywood'' tape]] on October 7, 2016 * [On [[National Public Radio|NPR]], August 2016] I can't stomach Trump * [Interviewed by [[w:Charlie Rose|Charlie Rose]], <!-- 18 -->October 2016] I'm a Never-Trump guy. I never liked him. ** As cited by Amy B. Wang and Meryl Kornfield in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2024/07/15/jd-vance-vp-pick-trump/ "J.D. Vance’s journey from a 'Never Trump' guy to Trump’s VP pick"], ''The Washington Post'' (July 15, 2024) * I think this election is really having a negative effect especially on the white working class. What it’s doing is giving people an excuse to point the finger at someone else, point the finger at [[Mexican Americans|Mexican immigrants]], or [[China|Chinese]] trade or the [[Democratic Party (United States)|Democratic]] elites or whatever else. ** Said in an interview in October 2016, cited in [https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cn07dv4mrg2o "JD Vance was once 'never Trump'. Now he's his running mate"], ''BBC'' (July 16, 2024) * My God what an idiot. ** About Donald Trump, in a tweet in October 2016, cited in [https://www.politico.com/news/2021/10/23/jd-vance-ohio-senate-trump-comments-516865 "‘My god what an idiot’: J.D. Vance gets whacked for past Trump comments"], ''Politico'' (October 23, 2021) * Trump's biggest failure as a political leader is that he sees the worst in people and he encourages the worst in people. ** Interview: [https://time.com/4556065/jd-vance-white-working-class/ "J.D. Vance on Why Life Might Get Worse for the White Working Class"], ''Time'' (November 3, 2016) * My fear with Trump was always that he didn't have great solutions. ** [https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/powerpost/paloma/daily-202/2016/12/21/daily-202-why-the-author-of-hillbilly-elegy-is-moving-home-to-ohio/5859da6ee9b69b36fcfeaf48/ "The Daily 202: Why the author of ‘Hillbilly Elegy’ is moving home to Ohio"], ''The Washington Post'' (December 21, 2016) ====Interview, ''Slate'' (August 25, 2016)==== :<small>'''[https://slate.com/news-and-politics/2016/08/hillbilly-elegy-author-j-d-vance-on-trump-racism-and-how-the-media-is-failing-the-white-working-class.html "Compassion, and Criticism, for the White Working Class"], ''Slate'' (August 25, 2016)'''</small> * Donald Trump is frankly dangerous. * My view is both that Trump is tapping into some racially ugly attitudes, but also that he is leading people to racially ugly attitudes. * When people read ''[[w:Breitbart News|Breitbart]]'' every single day and convince themselves that [[Barack Obama]] is a foreign [[Terrorism|terrorist]], that is not a problem of government. That is a problem of community failure, and we have to recognize that. * I don’t think that 60-70 percent of working-class white voters would have supported a [[w:Trump travel ban|Muslim ban]] before Donald Trump said something about a Muslim ban. I think that all you have to do is go back to the most recent Republican president and the way that [[George W. Bush]] encouraged us to think openly and supportively about our Muslim citizens. There is an element here where I think it’s not just that Trump is exploiting something but he’s also leading the white working class to a very dark place. ====''[[w:Hillbilly Elegy|Hillbilly Elegy]]''==== * President Obama came on the scene right as so many people in my community began to believe that the modern American meritocracy was not built for them. We know we're not doing well. We see it every day: in the obituaries for teenage kids that conspicuously omit the cause of death (reading between the lines: overdose), in the deadbeats we watch our daughters waste their time with. Barack Obama strikes at the heart of our deepest insecurities. He is a good father while many of us aren't. He wears suits to his job while we wear overalls, if we're lucky enough to have a job at all. [[Michelle Obama|His wife]] tells us that we shouldn't be feeding our children certain foods, and we hate her for it--not because we think she's wrong, but because we know she's right. * I don't know what the answer is, precisely, but I know it starts when we stop blaming Obama or Bush or faceless companies and ask ourselves what we can do to make things better. * Even at my best, I'm a delayed explosion - I can be defused, but only with skill and precision. It's not just that I've learned to control myself but that Usha has learned how to manage me. ===2017=== * At a pivotal time in my life, Barack Obama gave me hope that a boy who grew up like me could still achieve the most important of my dreams. For that, I'll miss him, and the example he set. ** Opinion: [https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/02/opinion/barack-obama-and-me.html "Barack Obama and Me"], ''The New York Times'' (January 2, 2017) * In 4 years, I hope people remember that it was those of us who empathized with Trump's voters who fought him the most aggressively. ** Tweet (March 2017), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''CNN'' (July 6, 2021) === 2018=== * I quickly realized that Trump's actual policy proposals, such as they are, range from immoral to absurd. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2016/02/18/donald-trump-white-working-class-rust-belt-voters-elections-2016-column/80422422/ "Trump speaks for those Bush betrayed"], ''USA Today'' (February 16, 2018) ===2020=== * Trump has just so thoroughly failed to deliver on his economic populism (excepting a disjointed [[China–United States relations|China policy]]) ** Tweeted in February 2020, quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/jd-vance-trump-economy-election-b2620029.html "JD Vance said Trump ‘thoroughly failed to deliver’ his economic agenda in uncovered 2020 messages"], ''Independent'' (September 27, 2024) ===2021=== *The next time that we get power, whether it's...President Trump round two in 2024...I think the thing that we have to take away from the last ten years is that we really need to be really ruthless when it comes to the exercise of power. **On the [[w:The Federalist|Federalist Radio Hour]] (May 18, 2021), as cited in "Why J.D. Vance Is Thinking 'Very Seriously' About A Senate Bid". Event occurs from 25:31 to 25:39. * And I ask folks not to judge me based on what I said in 2016, because I’ve been very open that I did say those critical things and I regret them, and I regret being wrong about the guy. ** On ''[[Fox News]]'' (July 5, 2021), as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/07/06/politics/jd-vance-tweets-trump-apology/index.html "Senate hopeful J.D. Vance apologizes for criticizing Trump as 'reprehensible' in deleted tweets"], ''[[CNN]]'' (July 6, 2021) * I think that what Trump should do, like if I was giving him one piece of advice, fire every single mid-level bureaucrat, every civil servant in the administrative state, replace them with our people, and when the courts - because you will get taken to court - and then when the courts stop you, stand before the country like Andrew Jackson did and say: the Chief Justice has made his ruling, now let him enforce it. ** On ''Jack Murphy Live'' (September 17, 2021) as cited in [https://www.newsweek.com/j-d-vance-confronted-donald-trump-supreme-court-1866713 "Republican J.D. Vance Confronted on Wanting to Fire 'Every Civil Servant'"] ''Newsweek'' (February 5, 2024) * If you're a journalist and you’re not asking questions about this case you should be ashamed of yourself. ** Written about the [[Jeffrey Epstein]] case in a [https://x.com/JDVance/status/1476544880797270020 social media post] on December 30, 2021, quoted in [https://www.politico.com/news/2025/07/16/popular-podcaster-lobs-barb-at-jd-vance-over-epstein-files-00459059 "Popular podcaster lobs barb at JD Vance over Epstein files"] ''Politico'' (July 16, 2025) ===2022=== * I think if any of us want to do the things that we want to do for our country and for the people who live in it, we have to honestly and aggressively attack the [[universities]] in this country. ** From his speech "The professors are the enemy", quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/2022-midterm-elections-business-ohio-education-186ca3f092a60603891b60e199a3fa02 "JD Vance paid $70K by colleges he bashes as Senate candidate"], ''AP News'' (April 21, 2022) * We are effectively run in this country, via the Democrats, via our [[Corporations|corporate]] [[Oligarchy|oligarchs]], by a bunch of '''childless cat ladies''' who are miserable at their own lives and the choices that they’ve made, and so they want to make the rest of the country miserable, too. And it's just a basic fact. If you look at [[Kamala Harris]], [[Pete Buttigieg]], [[Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez|AOC]] — the entire future of the Democrats is controlled by people without children. And how does it make any sense that we've turned our country over to people who don't really have a direct stake in it? If we want a healthy ruling class in this country, we should invest more, we should vote more, we should support people who actually have kids, because those are the people who actually have a direct stake in the future of the country. ** From the interview by [[Tucker Carlson]] on ''[[Fox News]]'' at [https://www.foxnews.com/video/6265796735001 JD Vance: The US is being run by 'childless cat ladies'] (July 29, 2021), as cited in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/aoc-jd-vance-cat-ladies-b1894081.html "AOC hits back at JD Vance after he calls her and Pete Buttigieg 'childless cat ladies'’ who shouldn’t govern because they don’t have kids"], ''The Independent'' (July 30, 2021), and as cited in Grace Panetta [https://msmagazine.com/2024/07/15/jd-vance-trump-vp-pick-abortion-lgbtq-women/ "JD Vance, Trump’s VP Pick, Has Opposed Abortion and LGBTQ+ Rights"], ''Ms'' (July 15, 2024), reprinted from ''[[w:The 19th|The 19th]]'', and as cited in [https://www.today.com/news/childless-cat-lady-jd-vance-kamala-harris-rcna163254 Why JD Vance’s 2021 comments calling Kamala Harris a ‘childless cat lady’ are going viral], the [[w:Today (American TV program)|NBC ''Today'' show]] (July 23, 2024) ** Vice President Kamala Harris has two step-children with her husband [[w:Doug Emhoff|Doug Emhoff]]. * Did you see me on FOX Primetime recently? I needed to speak DIRECTLY to patriots like you about the serious issue of radical childless leaders in this country. [...] We can’t have people who don't have a direct stake in this country making our most important decisions.<br />We've allowed ourselves to be dominated by childless [[Sociopath|sociopaths]] - they're invested in NOTHING because they're not invested in this country's children. Fighting back won't be easy - our childless opponents have a lot of free time. That's why I need YOU to stand with me. ** From a fundraising email (August 2021) for his Senate run, as cited in [https://edition.cnn.com/2024/07/30/politics/kfile-jd-vance-history-disparaging-people-without-kids/index.html "It's not just 'cat ladies': JD Vance has a history of disparaging people without kids"], ''CNN'' (July 30, 2024) * I believe the [[devil]] is real and that he works terrible things in our society. That's a crazy [[Conspiracy theories|conspiracy theory]] to a lot of very well-educated people in this country right now. **From a [https://s3.documentcloud.org/documents/24815790/jd-vance-teneo-network-2021-speech.pdf speech Vance gave at the Teneo Network conference]. As cited by Kroll, Andy (June 16, 2024). [https://www.propublica.org/article/jd-vance-alex-jones-leonard-leo-teneo-maddow-video "In Private Speech, J.D. Vance Said the 'Devil Is Real' and Praised Alex Jones as a Truth-Teller"]. ''ProPublica''. * [On his opposition to abortion in cases involving [[incest]] or [[rape]]] It's not whether a [[Women|woman]] should be forced to bring a [[Children|child]] to term, it's whether a child should be allowed to live, even though the circumstances of that child's birth are somehow inconvenient or a problem to the society. * The question to me is really about the baby [...] We want women to have opportunities, we want women to have choices, but, above all, we want women and young boys in the womb to have a right to life. ** In an interview on ''Spectrum News'' (Columbus, Ohio; September 22, 2021), as cited in [https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/vance-abortion-rape/2021/09/24/c3007318-1d32-11ec-8380-5fbadbc43ef8_story.html "Ohio Senate candidate J.D. Vance argues against need for rape and incest exceptions in abortion laws"], ''The Washington Post'' (September 24, 2021) * This is one of the great tricks that I think the [[w:Sexual_revolution|sexual revolution]] pulled on the American populace, which is the idea that like, "well, OK, these [[Marriage|marriages]] were fundamentally, you know, they were maybe even violent, but certainly they were unhappy. And so getting rid of them and making it easier for people to shift spouses like they change their underwear, that’s going to make people happier in the long term." * And maybe it worked out for the moms and dads, though I'm skeptical. But it really didn't work out for the kids of those marriages. [...] And that's what I think all of us should be honest about, is we've run this experiment in real time. And what we have is a lot of very, very real family dysfunction that's making our kids unhappy. ** Speaking at Pacifica Christian High School, <!-- Newport Beach -->California (September 2021), as cited in [https://www.vice.com/en/article/93abve/jd-vance-suggests-people-in-violent-marriages-shouldnt-get-divorced "JD Vance Suggests People in ‘Violent’ Marriages Shouldn’t Get Divorced"], ''Vice'' (July 25, 2022) * There's something comparable between [[abortion]] and [[slavery]] [...] and that while the people who obviously suffer the most are those subjected to it, I think it has this morally distorting effect on the entire society. ** On the ''Catholic Currents'' podcast (October 20, 2021), as cited in [https://ohiocapitaljournal.com/2022/07/26/black-state-lawmakers-take-aim-at-vance-over-comments-likening-abortion-to-slavery/ "Black state lawmakers take aim at Vance over comments likening abortion to slavery"], ''Ohio Capital Journal'' (July 28, 2022) ** The date of the podcast is taken from the [https://thecatholiccurrent.libsyn.com/new-voices-for-life-and-liberty-jd-vance-karoline-leavitt linked source]. * So much of what we want to accomplish, so much of what we want to do in this movement, in this country, I think are fundamentally dependent on going through a set of very hostile institutions, specifically the universities, which control the [[knowledge]] in our society, which control what we call truth and what we call falsity, that provides research that gives credibility to some of the most ridiculous ideas that exist in our country. * I think if any of us want to do the things that we want to do for our country and for the people who live in it, we have to honestly and aggressively attack the universities in this country. * The universities in our country are fundamentally corrupt and dedicated to deceit and lies, not to the truth. * The simple fact is that our universities tell the powerful what they want to hear, and they couch it in ridiculous political rhetoric instead of dealing with the real consequences of progressive policy. * [[Progressivism|Progressive]] politics, it’s not about uplifting [[Minority group|minorities]], it’s not about healing our [[planet]], it’s not about looking after the [[Poverty|poor]]. Progressive politics is a language, a language used by our new oligarchy to do two things: On the one hand to rob the American people blind, and on the second hand to tell them to shut the hell up about it if they dare complain. That is the purpose of American progressive politics. * We are giving our children over to our enemies and it’s time we stop doing it. * We have got to get out of the mindset that the only way to live a good life in this country, the only way for our children to succeed, is to go to a four-year university, where people will learn to hate their country and acquire a lot of debt in the process. * The professors are the enemy. ** Speech November 2, 2021: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FR65Cifnhw "J.D. Vance | The Universities are the Enemy | National Conservatism Conference II"], ''National Conservatism'' (November 10, 2021) * I don't really care what happens to [[Ukraine]] one way or another. ** On [[Steve Bannon]]'s ''War Room'' podcast (February 19, 2022), as cited in [https://www.businessinsider.com/gop-candidate-jd-vance-i-dont-care-what-happens-ukraine-2022-2 "GOP Senate candidate JD Vance said he doesn't 'really care what happens to Ukraine'"], ''Business Insider'' (February 21, 2022) * We didn't not serve in the [[United States Marine Corps|Marine Corps]] to go and fight [[Vladimir Putin]] because he didn't believe in [[Transgender rights movement|transgender rights]] [...] Which is what the [[United States Department of State|U.S. State Department]] is saying is a major problem with [[Russia]]. ** On [[Steve Bannon]]'s ''War Room'' podcast (February 19, 2022), as cited in [https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2022/feb/21/jd-vance/jd-vance-says-transgender-rights-drives-looming-co/ "Says Joe Biden risks war with Russia because Vladimir Putin doesn't 'believe in transgender rights'"], ''Politifact'' (February 21, 2022) * If your worldview tells you that it's bad for women to become [[mothers]] but liberating for them to work 90 hours a week in a cubicle at the ''[[The New York Times|New York Times]]'' or [[w:Goldman Sachs|Goldman Sachs]], you've been had. ** [https://x.com/JDVance1/status/1541113407650336768?s=20&t=z_g7zQL385LLqfQ463AJtA Tweet] (June 26, 2022), as cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2022/11/01/style/usha-jd-vance-ohio.html "From Yale to Newsmax, Usha Vance Has Helped J.D. Vance Chart His Path"], ''The New York Times'' (November 1, 2022) ** The [[Supreme Court of the United States|Supreme Court]] had ended ''[[Roe v. Wade]]'' two days earlier. ===2023=== * Trump’s Best Foreign Policy? Not Starting Any Wars * He has my support in 2024 because I know he won’t recklessly send Americans to fight overseas. ** [https://www.wsj.com/articles/trumps-best-foreign-policy-not-starting-any-wars-ukraine-russia-war-rocket-nuclear-power-weapons-defense-11675186959 "Trump’s Best Foreign Policy? Not Starting Any Wars"] ''Wall Street Journal'' (January 31, 2023) *We have built a [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] of hectoring and moralizing and lecturing countries that don't want anything to do with this. The [[China|Chinese]] have a [[foreign policy]] of building [[Road|roads]] and [[Bridge|bridges]] and feeding poor people, and I think that we should pursue a foreign policy, a [[diplomacy]], of [[respect]] and a foreign policy that is not rooted in moralizing; it is rooted in the national interests of this country. ** [https://www.congress.gov/congressional-record/volume-169/issue-65/senate-section/article/S1238-1 FIRE GRANTS AND SAFETY ACT--Continued] (April 19, 2023) ===2024=== * The United States has provided a blanket of security to [[Europe]] for far too long. * The question each European nation needs to ask itself is this: are you prepared to defend yourself? And the question the US must ask is: if our European allies can't even defend themselves, are they allies, or clients? * In the US, justifications for the war often depend on a contemporary domino theory: unless we stop [[Vladimir Putin|Putin]] in [[Russian invasion of Ukraine|Ukraine]], he won't stop there. But the time has come for Europe to stand on its own feet. That doesn't mean it has to stand alone, but it must not continue to use America as a crutch. ** [https://www.ft.com/content/3c87ef13-122f-4e78-a7af-54c75c30a91d "Europe must stand on its own two feet on defence"], ''Financial Times'' (February 19, 2024) ** The [[w:Domino theory|Domino theory]] during the [[Cold War]] postulated that if one country came under the influence of Communism, its neighbors would follow. It was used as an argument in favor of American intervention. * I have to beat up on the [[United Kingdom|UK]] – just one additional thing. I was talking with a friend recently and we were talking about, you know, one of the big dangers in the world, of course, is [[w:Nuclear proliferation|nuclear proliferation]], though, of course, the [[Presidency of Joe Biden|Biden administration]] doesn't care about it.<br />And I was talking about, you know, what is the first truly [[Islamism|Islamist]] country that will get a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear weapon]], and we were like, maybe it's [[Iran]], you know, maybe [[Pakistan]] already kind of counts, and then we sort of finally decided maybe it's actually the UK, since [[w:Labour Party (UK)|Labour]] just took over. ** At the [[w:National Conservatism Conference|National Conservative Conference]] in Washington DC (July 11, 2024), as cited in Jessica Elgot [https://www.theguardian.com/politics/article/2024/jul/16/trump-running-mate-jd-vance-uk-first-islamist-country-nuclear-weapon "Trump’s running mate says UK could be ‘first Islamist country’ with nuclear weapons"], ''The Guardian'' (July 16, 2024). ** The [[w:2024 United Kingdom general election|2024 United Kingdom general election]] was held on 4 July 2024 resulting in the Labour Party gaining a parliamentary majority. *[On attacks on [[United States Armed Forces|U.S. troops]] in the [[Middle East]] from [[Armed Forces of the Islamic Republic of Iran|forces connected to Iran]]] They have attacked, certain militia groups have attacked and I think we've done the right thing, a proportionate response. If they hit us, we have to hit them back but if you're talking about an attack on the [[Iran|Iranian]] mainland, that would be a significant escalation right now that would be a mistake. **On ''Face the Nation'' (CBS, October 29, 2023) [https://thehill.com/policy/international/4282057-jd-vance-says-he-would-not-support-authorizing-military-action-in-iran/ "JD Vance says he would not support authorizing military action in Iran"], ''The Hill'' (October 29, 2023) * There are just these basic cadences of life that I think are really powerful and really valuable when you have kids in your life. And the fact that so many people, especially in America’s leadership class, just don’t have that in their lives. You know, I worry that it makes people more sociopathic and ultimately our whole country a little bit less, less mentally stable. And of course, you talk about going on [[Twitter]] — final point I’ll make is, you go on Twitter and almost always the people who are most deranged and most psychotic are people who don’t have kids at home. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4799959-vance-criticizes-childless-people/ "Vance: 'Childless people' in US leadership 'more sociopathic'"], ''The Hill'' (July 30, 2024) * Democrats say that it is racist to believe, well, they say it’s racist to do anything. ** [https://www.yahoo.com/news/j-d-vance-toasts-diet-105856732.html "J.D. Vance Toasts With Diet Mountain Dew After ‘Racist’ Joke Falls Flat"], ''Yahoo News'' (August 2, 2024) * I think Donald Trump didn't serve in the military, but he didn't lie about it. * Donald Trump didn't lie about serving in the military. He didn't say that he went to [[Vietnam War|Vietnam]] when he didn't. This is the problem. I don't criticize anybody. Whether they served in our country or not. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-confronted-donald-trump-avoiding-service-vietnam-war-1937536 "JD Vance Confronted on Donald Trump Avoiding Service in Vietnam War"], ''Newsweek'' (August 11, 2024) * Average new [[car]] costs nearly $50,000 a year. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/184885/jd-vance-speech-michigan-mistake "Watch: Idiot J.D. Vance’s Speech Derails With Embarrassing Flubs"], ''New Republic'' (August 14, 2024) * She’s not doing a very good job. ** Claimed about Tom Vilsack, Agriculture Secretary, quoted in [https://newrepublic.com/post/184885/jd-vance-speech-michigan-mistake "Watch: Idiot J.D. Vance’s Speech Derails With Embarrassing Flubs"], ''New Republic'' (August 14, 2024) * We can't worry about polls. * I'm telling you, every single person who’s watching this, the Trump campaign is in a very, very good spot. ** [https://www.thedailybeast.com/jd-vance-compares-kamala-harris-to-jeffrey-epstein-in-fox-news-interview "JD Vance Compares Kamala Harris to Jeffrey Epstein in Fox News Interview"], The ''Daily Beast'' (August 18, 2024) * Consistently what you’ve seen in 2016 and [[2020 United States presidential election|2020]], is that the [[Mass media|media]] uses fake polls to drive down Republican turnout and to create dissension and conflict within Republican voters. ** Claimed when commenting polls presented by Fox News, quoted in [https://www.salon.com/2024/08/18/jd-vance-thinks-polls-showing-surge-of-harris-support-are-fake/ "JD Vance thinks polls showing surge of Harris support are "fake""], ''Salon'' (August 18, 2024) * I just don’t understand a person in American politics in 2024 who’s whining about what happened to them instead of using their leadership and using their influence to make the lives of American citizens better. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-whining-dnc-reaction-cnn_n_66c6c7f9e4b0f1ca4693d24b "Critics Think JD Vance's DNC Response Applies Perfectly To Trump"], ''Huffington Post'' (August 22, 2024) * Donald Trump can point to four years of successful leadership and say "I delivered rising prices". ** [https://boingboing.net/2024/08/22/some-of-the-witless-things-jd-vance-said-yesterday.html "Some of the witless things JD Vance said yesterday"], ''Boing Boing'' (August 22, 2024) * Sounds like we got some fans and some haters. ** [https://therecount.com/watch/sounds-like-we-got-some/2645896079 "Sounds like we got some fans & some haters": Vance is booed before speaking in front of firefighters union in Boston."], ''The Count''(August 29, 2024) * President Trump and I are proud to be the most pro-worker Republican ticket in history. ** [https://www.newsweek.com/jd-vance-booed-during-speech-firefighters-1946265 "JD Vance Booed During Speech to Firefighters"], ''Newsweek'' (August 29, 2024) * While it’s tempting, and I’m sure it would make some big headlines, don’t worry any-ev-everybody I’m not going to try to take off my shirt here. ** [https://newrepublic.com/post/185447/jd-vance-booed-speech-firefighters "J.D. Vance Booed by Entire Crowd During Dumpster Fire Speech"], ''New Republic'' (August 29, 2024) * They couldn't beat him at the ballot box, so they tried to [[Bankruptcy|bankrupt]] him. They failed at that, so they tried to [[Impeachment of Donald Trump|impeach]] him. They failed at that. So they tried to put him in [[prison]], and they even tried to kill him. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/opinion/columnist/2024/08/29/trump-assassination-attempt-vance-republicans-lie/74958685007/ "They tried to kill him' is now the bogus claim Vance uses to introduce Trump" / "One person tried to kill Trump ‒ and he wasn't a Democrat"], ''USA Today'' (August 29, 2024) * I’ve said a lot of stupid things on camera, sometimes when you’re in the public eye you make mistakes and again. I think the best way to deal with it is to laugh at ourselves, laugh at this stuff and try to have some fun in politics. ** [https://www.inkl.com/news/vance-bizarrely-compares-harris-cnn-interview-to-flubbed-answer-by-teen-beauty-queen-17-years-ago "Vance Bizarrely Compares Harris's CNN Interview To Flubbed Answer by Teen Beauty Queen 17 Years Ago"], ''Inkl'' (August 30, 2024) * Months ago, I raised the issue of [[Haiti|Haitian]] illegal immigrants draining [[Social programs in the United States|social services]] and generally causing chaos all over Springfield, Ohio. Reports now show that people have had their pets abducted and eaten by people who shouldn’t be in this country. ** [https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4869901-vance-haitians-eating-pets-ohio-trump/ "Vance pushes false accusations of Haitians eating pets"], ''The Hill'' (September 9, 2024) * I don't think most Americans, whether they like her music, are fans of her or not, are going to be influenced by a billionaire celebrity who I think is fundamentally disconnected from their interests and the problems of most Americans. ** Claimed about [[Taylor Swift]] after she endorsed Vice President Kamala Harris in the 2024 Presidential Election, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/taylor-swift-jd-vance-kamala-harris-fox-news-comments-1953155 "JD Vance's Response to Taylor Swift Endorsing Kamala Harris Backfires"], ''Newsweek'' (September 13, 2024) *The American media totally ignored this stuff, until Donald Trump and I started talking about cat memes.<br>If I have to create stories so that the American media actually pays attention to the suffering of the American people, then that’s what I’m going to do. ** Said about his claims about Haitians supposedly eating cats, dogs and ducks in Springfield, Ohia, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/republican-ohio-gov-mike-dewine-trump-vance-false-immigrant-pets-conspiracy.html "‘A piece of garbage’: Republican Ohio Gov. condemns Trump-Vance false immigrant pet-eating conspiracy"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * [[Eggs]], when Kamala Harris took office, were short of $1.50 a dozen. Now a dozen eggs will cost you around $4. ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/jd-vance-eggs-kamala-harris-b2617527.html "JD Vance mocked for another botched photo opp — as he blames Harris for eggs costing $4 while standing in front of a $2.99 display2], ''Independent'' (September 24, 2024) * The rules were that you guys weren’t going to fact-check. And since you’re fact-checking me, I think it’s important to say what’s actually going on. ** October 1, 2024, addressing debate moderators ({{cite news |url=https://www.nytimes.com/2024/10/01/us/politics/cbs-debate-fact-checking-vance.html |newspaper=[[The New York Times]] |date=October 1, 2024 |first=Michael M. |last=Grynbaum |title=CBS Sought the Middle Ground on Fact-Checking. Vance Jumped Into the Gap.}} {{cite news |title=JD Vance's mic gets cut while talking about Springfield at VP debate |agency=[[w:NBC News]] |first=Alex |last=Seitz-Wald |url=https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/2024-election/jd-vances-mic-gets-cut-talking-springfield-vp-debate-rcna173562 |date=October 1, 2024}}) * Our interest very much is in not going to war with Iran. It would be a huge distraction of resources. It would be massively expensive to our country, * America doesn’t have to constantly police every region of the world. We should empower people to police their own regions of the world. One: We would save a lot of money. Two: We’d save a lot of focus. ** [https://www.timesofisrael.com/vance-us-and-israeli-interests-wont-always-overlap-we-dont-want-war-with-iran/ "Vance: US and Israeli interests won’t always overlap; we don’t want war with Iran"] ''The Times of Israel'' (October 29, 2024) * In two days, we are going to take out the trash in [[Washington, D.C.]], and the trash’s name is Kamala Harris. ** [https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/politics/elections/2024/11/04/election-2024-live-updates-trump-harris/76033477007/ "Election 2024 live updates: Trump, Harris await Election Day results; new polls"], ''USA Today'' (November 4, 2024) ===2025=== * I don't think stupid social media activity should ruin a kid’s life. We shouldn't reward journalists who try to destroy people. Ever. ** Cited in {{cite news|author1=Bobby Allyn|author2=Shannon Bond|title=Member of Elon Musk's DOGE team resigns after racist posts resurface |url=https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury |website=npr.org |publisher=National Public Radio |access-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250207002354/https://www.npr.org/2025/02/06/nx-s1-5289337/elon-musk-doge-treasury |url-status=live }} [https://x.com/JDVance/status/1887900880143343633] {{cite news|author1=Dan Mangan|author2=Kevin Breuninger |title=Staffer at Musk’s DOGE resigns after racist social media posts exposed |url=https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/06/musk-doge-staffer-resigns-over-racist-social-media-posts.html |website=cnbc.com |publisher=CNBC |access-date=February 7, 2025 |archive-date=February 6, 2025 |archive-url=https://web.archive.org/web/20250206224546/https://www.cnbc.com/2025/02/06/musk-doge-staffer-resigns-over-racist-social-media-posts.html |url-status=live }} * Even when people express views outside your own country, and even when those people are very influential – and trust me, I say this with all humour – if American democracy can survive ten years of [[Greta Thunberg]]'s scolding you guys can survive a few months of [[Elon Musk]]. ** Speech at the [[w:Munich Security Conference|Munich Security Conference]] in Germany (February 14, 2025), as cited in [https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/jd-vance-what-i-worry-about-is-the-threat-from-within/ "Read: JD Vance’s full speech on the fall of Europe"], ''The Spectator'' (London, February 14, 2025) ([https://archive.is/LyPyC Archive save]) * I think a lot of European nations were right about our [[w:2003 invasion of Iraq|invasion of Iraq]]. And frankly, if the Europeans had been a little more independent, and a little more willing to stand up, then maybe we could have saved the entire world from the strategic disaster that was the American-led invasion of Iraq. ** From an interview with the Unherd website, as cited in [https://www.dw.com/en/jd-vance-says-europe-should-have-done-more-to-stop-iraq-war/a-72250397 "JD Vance says Europe should have done more to stop Iraq War"], ''DW'' (April 15, 2025). ** The original (paywalled) article is [https://unherd.com/2025/04/jd-vance-my-message-to-europe/ here] and the complete transcript is [https://unherd.com/2025/04/transcript-unherds-interview-with-jd-vance/ here]. * President Trump has done more than anyone in my lifetime to earn the trust of the movement he leads. I am proud to stand beside him. * There are many lies the corporate media tells about President Trump. One of the most glaring is that he's impulsive or short-tempered. Anyone who has seen him operate under pressure knows that's ridiculous. ** [https://abcnews.go.com/Politics/day-after-blistering-exchange-trump-calls-elon-musk/story?id=122567621 "Trump tells ABC Musk 'lost his mind'; 'not particularly' interested in talking to him"], ''ABC News'' (June 6, 2025) * Seriously, we need to release the Epstein list. That is an important thing. ** Said in an October 2024 podcast, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5407114-theo-von-criticizes-epstein-files-release/ "Theo Von asks ‘what changed’ with Vance on Epstein files"] ''The Hill'' (July 17, 2025) * Well, I've finally made it. ** Reaction to being parodied in ''[[South Park]]'', quoted in [https://www.ndtv.com/world-news/ive-finally-made-it-jd-vance-reacts-to-animated-debut-on-south-park-9044500 "JD Vance responds to South Park’s brutal takedown of Trump admin"] ''NDTV'' (August 7, 2025) * If you go back to [[World War II]], if you go back to [[World War I]], if you go back to every major conflict in human history, they all end with some kind of negotiation. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-world-war-2-russia-ukraine_n_68ab4784e4b0434e01af8c5a "JD Vance Bungles Basic History While Talking Russia-Ukraine Negotiations"] ''Huffington Post'' (August 24, 2025) ===2026=== * [On the economy] You don't turn the [[w:Sinking of the Titanic|Titanic]] around overnight. It takes time to fix what was broken. ** From a speech in Toledo, Ohio (January 22, 2026), as cited in [https://newrepublic.com/post/205567/jd-vance-compares-america-titanic "JD Vance Unironically Compares America to the Titanic"], ''The New Republic'' (January 23, 2026). *I don’t think they’re aliens. I think they’re demons anyway, but that’s a longer discussion. Well, look, I think that celestial beings who fly around, who do weird things to people. I think that the desire to describe everything celestial, everything is otherworldly, to describe it as aliens. I mean, every great world religion, including Christianity, the one that I believe in, has understood that there are weird things out there and there are things that are very difficult to explain. I naturally go ― when I hear about, sort of, extra natural phenomenon, that’s where I go to ― to the Christian understanding that there’s a lot of good out there, but there’s also some evil out there. And I think that one of the devil’s great tricks is to convince people he never existed. :*Quoted in Kelby Vera, ''[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/jd-vance-aliens-demons-devil_n_69c93d9de4b0a014076f69bb JD Vance Believes UFO Sightings Are 1 Of The 'Devil’s Great Tricks']'', ''Huffington Post'' (March 29, 2026) *I think it's very, very important for the pope to be careful when he talks about matters of theology **[https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/trump-administration/vance-warns-pope-careful-talking-theology-rcna331881 April 14, 2026] * Now, you can't boo me. I'm the Vice President of the United States. ** [https://www.rawstory.com/vance-cannot-boo-me/ "Vance forbids Air Force cadets from heckling him at graduation: 'You can't boo me'"] ''RawStory'' (May 28, 2026) * I think that America has earned the trust of that region of the world ** Claimed about the Middle East after the US attack on Iran, quoted in [https://www.telegraphindia.com/world/israels-freakout-over-us-iran-agreement-a-little-bit-odd-attacks-in-beirut-not-acceptable-jd-vance/cid/2166165 "Israel's 'freakout' over US-Iran agreement a 'little bit odd', attacks in Beirut 'not acceptable': JD Vance"] ''The Telegraph of India'' (June 18, 2026) * You're a country of 9 million people. You can't just kill your way out of solving every single national security problem that you have. ** Said about Israel, quoted in [https://www.telegraphindia.com/world/israels-freakout-over-us-iran-agreement-a-little-bit-odd-attacks-in-beirut-not-acceptable-jd-vance/cid/2166165 "Israel's 'freakout' over US-Iran agreement a 'little bit odd', attacks in Beirut 'not acceptable': JD Vance"] ''The Telegraph of India'' (June 18, 2026) == Quotes about J.D. Vance == * We've endorsed J.P. — right? J.D. Mandel, and he’s doing great. ** [[Donald Trump]], referring to J.D. Vance in May 2022 at a rally in [[Nebraska]], cited in [https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/15/us/politics/jd-vance-name.html "J.D. Vance Was Not Always His Name. But It’s the One That Felt Closest to Home."], ''The New York Times'' (July 15, 2024) * J.D. is kissing my ass. He wants my support so bad. ** [https://edition.cnn.com/2022/09/19/politics/donald-trump-jd-vance-ohio-rally/index.html "Donald Trump humiliated J.D. Vance for fun"], ''CNN'' (September 19, 2022) * We're going to defeat Donald Trump, the career criminal and incorrigible recidivist con man and his pet chameleon. JD Vance. ** [[Jamie Raskin]], U.S. representative for Maryland, at the 2024 Democratic National Convention *Vance did not get this extremist ideology from his Appalachian upbringing or—needless to say—Yale Law. It was incubated in America's tech capital, [[San Francisco]], where he forged crucial ties with [[Peter Thiel|Thiel]], [[Curtis Yarvin|Yarvin]], and [[w:David Sacks|David Sacks]], the longtime Thiel associate and pro-[[Putin]] crusader who recently hosted a Trump fundraiser at his mansion in Pacific Heights. And if Vance ends up in the [[White House]], it will be with $45 million in monthly campaign contributions from [[Elon Musk|Musk]], who already made a $44 billion in-kind contribution by gutting San Francisco-based [[Twitter]] and transforming it into a right-wing misinformation weapon. **[[w:Gil Duran|Gil Duran]] writing in [https://newrepublic.com/article/183971/jd-vance-weird-terrifying-techno-authoritarian-ideas "Where J.D. Vance Gets His Weird, Terrifying Techno-Authoritarian Ideas"], ''The New Republic'' (July 22, 2024) * Historically, the choice of the vice president makes no difference. You're voting for the president. And you can have a vice president who's outstanding in every way—and I think JD is, I think that all of them would have been—but you're not voting that way, you're voting for the president. ** Donald Trump, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/donald-trump-says-jd-vance-has-virtually-no-impact-election-1932832 "Donald Trump Says JD Vance Has 'Virtually No Impact' on Election"], ''Newsweek'' (July 31, 2024) * Not me. They’re talking about J.D. ** [[Donald Trump]], after he and JD Vance had been called "weird", quoted in [https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politics-news/vance-defends-trump-nick-fuentes-dinner-1235077931/ "J.D. Vance Likes That Trump ‘Will Talk to Anybody,’ Including Nazi-Loving Nick Fuentes"], (August 11, 2024) * JD Vance, do you understand why there was a sudden job opening for running mate on the GOP ticket? They tried to kill your predecessor. They tried to kill him because he would not follow Trump’s plan to destroy and nullify the votes of millions of Americans. ** [[Jamie Raskin]], U.S. representative for Maryland, quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/4836461-jamie-raskin-jd-vance-donald-trump-mike-pence-jan-6-dnc-remarks/ "Raskin to Vance: ‘They tried to kill your predecessor’"], ''The Hill'' (August 20, 2024) * This is a piece of garbage that is simply not true. There’s no evidence of this at all. Discussion about Haitians eating dogs is just not helpful. And, again, these people are here legally. They’re here legally, and they want to work, and they are, in fact, working. ** Republican Governor [[w:Mike DeWine|Mike DeWine]] of Ohio, quoted in [https://www.cnbc.com/2024/09/15/republican-ohio-gov-mike-dewine-trump-vance-false-immigrant-pets-conspiracy.html "‘A piece of garbage’: Republican Ohio Gov. condemns Trump-Vance false immigrant pet-eating conspiracy"], ''CNBC'' (September 15, 2024) * In the wake of JD Vance admitting he 'created' the pet-eating story, and as a result of the very real threats the communities and people he has targeted are now under... I am calling on him to RESIGN as our Senator. ** Senator for Ohio Casey Weinstein, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/ohio-senator-casey-weinstein-calls-jd-vance-resign-1954318 "Ohio Congressman Calls on JD Vance To Resign As Senator"], ''Newsweek'' (September 16, 2024) * Here's our state's junior Senator bragging about terrorizing Ohioans with malicious lies in order to change the subject in the national election he's losing. ** Ohio representative Michele Grim, quoted in [https://www.newsweek.com/ohio-senator-casey-weinstein-calls-jd-vance-resign-1954318 "Ohio Congressman Calls on JD Vance To Resign As Senator"], ''Newsweek'' (September 16, 2024) * Far from just repeating claims he’s heard, Vance has actually helped create much of the chaos he’s now trying to exploit. * This pet-eating panic was built on nothing. It turns out not long after his first post about Haitians eating pets, his campaign actually called the Springfield city manager, who remembers Vance’s staff asked point-blank: ‘Are the rumors true of pets being taken and eaten?’ and he said: ‘I told him no.’ * So Vance knew it was a lie this whole time. But instead of just admitting that. he and his campaign have been scrambling to dig up new bulls--t evidence — all of which either bears no resemblance to the claims he’s made, or falls apart at the slightest scrutiny. * It turns out he’s pretty good at parroting racist lies like the spineless dips--t that he is. ** [[John Oliver]], TV host, quoted in [https://www.thedailybeast.com/john-oliver-hammers-jd-vance-for-pushing-pet-eating-panic-he-knew-was-fake "John Oliver Hammers JD Vance for Pushing ‘Pet-Eating Panic’ He Knew Was Fake"], ''The Daily Beast'' (September 23, 2024) *Vance seems to assume that large numbers of native-born white people don’t constitute ethnic enclaves, and that communities of immigrants somehow do (and he’s clearly uninterested in understanding the forces, positive and negative, that often make newcomers cluster). [[Make America Great Again|MAGA]] has been a largely white movement of non-urban people who seem to think, like Trump himself, that people unlike them are scary and that there is only safety in homogeneity. So if you bend it around and maybe turn it inside out, there’s some “she made him do it” logic to Vance’s declaration “What happens when you have massive amounts of illegal immigration? It actually starts to create ethnic conflict. It creates higher crime rates.” It’s just that the conflict and crime doesn’t come from the immigrants. **[[Rebecca Solnit]] [https://lithub.com/rebecca-solnit-jd-vance-is-just-another-know-nothing-nativist/ "JD Vance is Just Another Know Nothing Nativist"] (August 23, 2024) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Vance, J.D.}} [[Category:1984 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Members of the United States Senate]] [[Category:Republican Party (United States) politicians]] [[Category:Memoirists from the United States]] [[Category:Businesspeople from the United States]] [[Category:Nationalists]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Yale University alumni]] [[Category:People from Ohio]] [[Category:United States Marines]] [[Category:Vice Presidents of the United States]] kekmvn4jk4oi1oqms13i7hn4h79vnmf 0 280410 3954200 3864402 2026-06-18T17:13:51Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Algeria]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954200 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Meriem Belmihoub Infirmière dans le maquis En route pour le congrès de la Soummam (cropped).jpg|thumb|Meriem Belmihoub Infirmière dans le maquis En route pour le congrès de la Soummam (cropped)]] '''[[w:Meriem Belmihoub-Zerdani|Meriem Belmihoub-Zerdani]]''' (1 April 1935 - 27 July 2021) was an Algerian independence [[fighter]], lawyer and [[feminist]]. ==Quotes== *Women's emancipation cannot be discussed in terms of the veil and customs; instead, we must provide them jobs. **[https://books.google.com.ng/books?id=AgRGDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA226&redir_esc=y#v=onepage&q&f=false Meriem Belmihoub-Zerdani responds to the daily newspaper's query, "Is there a problem with Algerian women?"] * Fifty years after independence, it is disheartening to observe that women veterans remain underrepresented in this office. We stood shoulder to shoulder with men in the maquis, fighting with the same vigor and commitment. Now, we seek our rightful share, as guaranteed by the Constitution, which upholds gender equality. It is our plea that the sacrifices made by women veterans be acknowledged and represented accordingly. The struggle for equality was not limited to the battlefield, and it should reflect in the recognition of our contributions today. **[https://www.lematindz.net/mobile/news/7597-11e-congres-de-lonm-protesta-des-maquisardes-appel-au-vote-de-bouteflika.html In a 2012 speech, Meriem Belmihoub-Zerdani voiced her objection to the exclusion of women veterans from the National War Veterans' Organisation (ONM)] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * [https://www.elmoudjahid.com/fr/histoire/deces-de-meriem-belmihoub-l-algerie-a-perdu-l-une-de-ses-grandes-militantes-laid-lebigua-12744?__cf_chl_jschl_tk__=pmd_1f025e0657e72cadebe4332a65bba10c6224223f-1627495728-0-gqNtZGzNAo2jcnBszQb6 Meriem Belmihoub-Zerdani Biography] {{DEFAULTSORT:Belmihoub-Zerdani, Meriem}} [[Category:Women politicians in Algeria]] [[Category:Lawyers from Algeria]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Women activists from Algeria]] [[Category:Women in law]] [[Category:1935 births]] [[Category:2021 deaths]] esey8ry6nuj9691uu5fnkb192ojomax 0 280453 3954196 3864398 2026-06-18T17:11:56Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Morocco]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954196 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Fouzia El Bayed|Fouzia El Bayed]]''' is a Moroccan women's rights advocate, a former member of the [[w:Parliament of Morocco|Parliament of Morocco]] belonging to the [[w:Constitutional Union (Morocco)|Constitutional Union]] party, a member of the Human Rights Committee of [[w:Liberal International|Liberal International]], and the first president of the Morocco chapter of the [[w:International Network of Liberal Women|International Network of Liberal Women]]. {{activist-stub}} == Quotes == * The role of women is strong…Morocco is moving forward on a liberal and democratic path…we are reforming the legal system and we can use the constitution to deepen our democracy. ** [https://liberal-international.org/news-articles/liberals-take-centre-stage-global-human-rights-summit/ Fouzia El Bayed speaking on the issue of liberal democracy] * This is the expression that young people invented, who took to the streets, who protested — sometimes violently — to demand change for greater freedom, dignity, for work, and for the sharing of wealth * This revolution took place without weapons, but under the auspices of the media with an expression that men “get lost” * The protest movement spread and there were many victims, a civil war came about- in some places the situation degenerated, in other places the protest was peaceful * The new constitution was done in a participatory manner; all the different voices participated and this was done after a period of discussion in an atmosphere of openness- there was no criticism, there were no critiques- and this took place nowhere else in this way except for Tunisia, which seems to have followed the Moroccan example * The role of women is strong and we have addressed this quite often. We have a number of women in decision-making positions in the legislature, in the communities and in regions, and we have now acquired 30% representation by women ** [https://genevasummit.org/speech/concluding-panel-the-future-of-liberal-democracy/ After the Arab Spring with Fouzia Elbayed],Summit(s): 2015,Speaker: Fouzia Elbayed == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bayed, Fouzia}} [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Women politicians in Morocco]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women activists from Morocco]] 4rkhyg2iiil25hs9q4ir82n6b28bxur 0 282015 3954194 3867309 2026-06-18T17:11:20Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Sierra Leone]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Sierra Leone]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954194 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[W:Barbara Bangura|Barbara Bangura]]''' (born 13 November 1958) is a Sierra Leonean women's rights activist. She is the National Co-Ordinator of the Women's Solidarity Support Group. == Quotes == *Women’s rights groups have defended their position by invoking articles in Sierra Leone’s 1991constitution which say that special measures and policies can be taken where there is inequality that needs to be rectified, **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *I’d like to remind the president that this is elections year, and we think he needs to make sure his MPs support his promises and that we have the gender equality bill (enacted) into law before the elections **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *They (men) say such a rule does not allow people to freely choose who they want to represent them and infringes on people’s basic human rights. **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *The idea is for political parties to ensure that those seats that are reserved for women are winnable seats, but the men are saying that such a policy is undemocratic,” **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *“If we really want to practice true democracy, the women have to be involved… we have been left out for too long **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *It’s not about competition with men; it’s about working together to move Sierra Leone forward in a very positive way **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *We are going to the women to say ‘engage your MPs that you want the quota bill passed into law or else you won’t vote for them (in coming elections) **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] *women’s groups are also advocating for political parties to introduce voluntary quotas for women’s participation, in case the bill is delayed or not tabled in parliament. **[https://www.mewc.org/index.php/gender-issues/political-participation/3859-sierra-leone-women-want-political-equality-law-before-sierra-leone-elections] == External links == {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bangura, Barbara}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women politicians in Sierra Leone]] [[Category:Women born in the 1950s]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Sierra Leone]] [[Category:1958 births]] 7gxrgajad5bv4vmpew1nj8490q32q6w 0 282017 3954195 3867308 2026-06-18T17:11:41Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Sierra Leone]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Sierra Leone]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954195 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Zainab Bangura (8640648216).jpg|thumb |Zainab Bangura]] '''[[W:Zainab Bangura|Haja Zainab Bangura Hawa]]''' (born 18 December 1959) is a [[w:Sierra Leone|Sierra Leone]]an politician and social activist who has been serving as the Director-General of the [[w:United Nations Office at Nairobi|United Nations Office at Nairobi]] (UNON) since 2018. She served as the second United Nations [[w:United Nations Special Representative on Sexual Violence in Conflict|Special Representative on Sexual Violence in Conflict]] with the rank of [[w:Under-Secretary-General of the United Nations|Under-Secretary-General of the United Nations]] from 2012 to 2017, in succession to the first holder of the post, [[w:Margot Wallström|Margot Wallström]]. In 2017 she was succeeded by [[w:Pramila Patten|Pramila Patten]]. In 2007, Bangura became Sierra Leone's [[w:foreign minister|foreign minister]] in the government of President [[w:Ernest Bai Koroma|Ernest Bai Koroma]] of the [[w:All People's Congress|All People's Congress]] (APC) Party. She was the second woman to serve in that post, following [[Shirley Gbujama]] who held that position from 1996 to 1997. She served as Minister of Health and Sanitation from 2010 to 2012. == Quotes == *Sexual violence is being used as a “tactic of terror” to target religious and ethnic minorities and members of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) communities **[https://reliefweb.int/report/world/interview-zainab-hawa-bangura-special-representative-secretary-general-sexual-violence] *The third trend, which seems to come in a much clearer way, is that sexual violence in conflict is being used to forcefully displace people. People are forced out of their communities and off their land because the land is rich in natural resources or because groups want to use it to grow narcotics as is the case in Colombia. **[https://reliefweb.int/report/world/interview-zainab-hawa-bangura-special-representative-secretary-general-sexual-violence] *think the biggest challenge we have is a lack of understanding about the strategies that these people use and I think that has made it extremely difficult to access them, to engage them, to understand what is driving them and what they do **[https://reliefweb.int/report/world/interview-zainab-hawa-bangura-special-representative-secretary-general-sexual-violence] *The most important thing is to make sure we have more community engagement, make sure that communities who are involved in this crime, as well as community and religious leaders give us a better understanding of the extent of the crime, the people who have been targeted and to respond in terms of services for the victims **[https://reliefweb.int/report/world/interview-zainab-hawa-bangura-special-representative-secretary-general-sexual-violence] *It’s not easy to deal with sexual violence because it requires capacity-building, providing technical assistance and support, changing laws, working with the judiciary to make sure that this crime is investigated and that the perpetrators are prosecuted **[https://reliefweb.int/report/world/interview-zainab-hawa-bangura-special-representative-secretary-general-sexual-violence] *We cannot stop the crime taking place as long as there is conflict so we need to end the conflict but in the meanwhile we also need to give hope to these women. **[https://reliefweb.int/report/world/interview-zainab-hawa-bangura-special-representative-secretary-general-sexual-violence] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bangura, Zainab}} [[Category:Women politicians in Sierra Leone]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Social activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Sierra Leone]] [[Category:1959 births]] [[Category:Women born in the 1950s]] hjdpz0ccjz6iyg0ypymab2t91ue5nk7 0 284168 3954218 3860690 2026-06-18T17:25:44Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Uganda]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Uganda]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954218 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[W:Gorretti Byomire|Gorretti Byomire]]''' is a Ugandan computer scientist, academic and disability rights activist. She is a lecturer in the Department of Applied Computing & Information Technology at Makerere University Business School (MUBS), in Kampala, Uganda. She concurrently serves as the Director of the Disability Resource & Learning Centre at MUBS. == Quotes == *Despite progress, youth with disabilities still face barriers to fully participating in society, including accessing education and leadership growth opportunities like YALI fellowships. From online applications lacking accessibility features to prohibitive technology costs, hurdles restrict inclusion at every step. **[https://www.thisability.co.za/2023/11/27/prominent-disability-inclusion-advocate-gorretti-byomire-joins-advisory-board-of-yali-regional-leadership-center/] *Through celebrating diverse experiences, the program can create welcoming environments where all young African leaders thrive. I am committed to ensuring no youth is left out of this transformative opportunity due to identity, ability or circumstances.” **[https://www.thisability.co.za/2023/11/27/prominent-disability-inclusion-advocate-gorretti-byomire-joins-advisory-board-of-yali-regional-leadership-center/] *Overcoming a speech and language disability, I have emerged as a powerful advocate for disability rights in Uganda. The YALI Fellowships transformed my life, nurturing my personal growth and empowering me to harness my strengths. **[https://www.thisability.co.za/2023/11/27/prominent-disability-inclusion-advocate-gorretti-byomire-joins-advisory-board-of-yali-regional-leadership-center/] *With newfound confidence and honed public speaking skills, I have championed increased educational and employment opportunities for persons with disabilities. **[https://www.thisability.co.za/2023/11/27/prominent-disability-inclusion-advocate-gorretti-byomire-joins-advisory-board-of-yali-regional-leadership-center/] *My efforts have yielded significant progress, including expanding affirmative action slots for disabled students at public universities, introducing a scholarship scheme for disabled students at Makerere University Business School, and securing employment for disabled individuals at MUBS. **[https://www.thisability.co.za/2023/11/27/prominent-disability-inclusion-advocate-gorretti-byomire-joins-advisory-board-of-yali-regional-leadership-center/] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Byomire, Gorretti}} [[Category:Women scientists from Uganda]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women academics from Uganda]] [[Category:Computer scientists]] [[Category:Disability rights activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Uganda]] bl6or437k7pnxp8g91a5ntlzpma0nu9 0 285477 3954370 3661254 2026-06-19T09:24:32Z Apisite 3043558 3954370 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Vabariigi President Arnold Rüütel.jpg|thumb]] '''{{w|Arnold Rüütel}}''' ({{w|wikt:est|Estonian}} pronunciation: [ˈɑrːnolʲtʲ ˈryːtːːelʲ], 10 May 1928 – 31 December 2024) was an Estonian politician. He was the third President of [[Estonia]] from 8 October 2001 to 9 October 2006. Rüütel was the second president of the country after the end of the 1944–1991 Soviet occupation, and the restoration of the independent Republic of Estonia on 20 August 1991. {{Political-stub}} ==Quotes about Rüütel== * Arnold Rüütel was neither a philosopher nor a firebrand and so he has often been more criticized and less appreciated than those who were one or the other or even in some cases both. But with time, his role as a bridge who made the passage from the old to the new possible is being recognized. ** {{w|Paul A. Goble}}, [https://windowoneurasia2.blogspot.com/2025/01/arnold-ruutel-washington-for-estonia.html "Arnold Rüütel, ‘a Washington for Estonia,’ Dead at Age of 96"], ''Window on Eurasia'' (January 1, 2025) ==See also== * [[:et:Ingrid Rüütel|Ingrid Rüütel]] (wife) ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Rüütel, Arnold}} [[Category:Presidents of Estonia]] [[Category:Academics from Estonia]] [[Category:1928 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] 9inv6hycxcqlcliiczrpn1u0pxym9wg 4 287851 3954158 3953486 2026-06-18T15:10:38Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 1 thread from [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]] 3954158 wikitext text/x-wiki == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/137.28.231.244|137.28.231.244]] == * {{vandal|137.28.231.244}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Trinitrotolueno|Trinitrotolueno]] ([[User talk:Trinitrotolueno|talk]]) 21:42, 13 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism. Repeating cross-wiki abuse and quote-less page creation after the last block. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:46, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} 2 week rangeblock —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:21, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Smile-to-talk|Smile-to-talk]] == * {{vandal|Smile-to-talk}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:22, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Signfix|Signfix]] == * {{vandal|Signfix}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 14 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:22, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sharda24|Sharda24]] == * {{vandal|Sharda24}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:06, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:23, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CheaperByTheDozen|CheaperByTheDozen]] == * {{vandal|CheaperByTheDozen}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and offending pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:20, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.136.146.116|97.136.146.116]] == * {{vandal|97.136.146.116}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:53, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} (by another user). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:21, 17 March 2025 (UTC) == New concerning 2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0 == * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DCA9:E700:0:0:0:0/64}} * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/64}} https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3ADCA9%3AE700%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Log/block&page=User%3A2001%3A8003%3A3C4B%3AB600%3A0%3A0%3A0%3A0%2F64 Please semi protect the article [[Chess]] against IP editing. There is repeated vandalism from IPs since the year 2021, see the article history. {{ping|Antandrus}} --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 15:01, 17 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:28, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lifecircle08|Lifecircle08]] == * {{vandal|Lifecircle08}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:47, 18 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:27, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Mydailytechnew2|Mydailytechnew2]] == * {{vandal|Mydailytechnew2}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:33, 18 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:28, 18 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shivam Seat Cover|Shivam Seat Cover]] == * {{vandal|Shivam Seat Cover}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:18, 20 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 20 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shinhasarder2343|Shinhasarder2343]] == * {{vandal|Shinhasarder2343}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:33, 20 March 2025 (UTC) : The user removed SD tag from [[MD. Shinha Sarder]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:01, 20 March 2025 (UTC) ::While I have deleted the page (since it had no quotes), I don't know that I would say that there was vandalism here - more a lack of understanding of the project. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:14, 20 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Beun1223|Beun1223]] == * {{vandal|Beun1223}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 21:29, 20 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by {{User|Lemonaka}}. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:43, 21 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Debitstatting|Debitstatting]] == * {{vandal|Debitstatting}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 21 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/76.35.98.14|76.35.98.14]] == * {{vandal|76.35.98.14}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:43, 21 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/12any|12any]] == * {{vandal|12any}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:39, 23 March 2025 (UTC) : The user is repeating SD tag removal at [[ProfCanny]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:48, 23 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reporting at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:14, 23 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Servicesell1234|Servicesell1234]] == * {{vandal|Servicesell1234}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:42, 26 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:07, 26 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Spherulengo|Spherulengo]] == * {{vandal|Spherulengo}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 26 March 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:08, 26 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D]] == * {{vandal|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:DD08:13FC:43DA:F14D}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:59, 27 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} one week, did cleanup of test pages with no quotes. There seems to be some coordination with a different IP, also blocked {{vandal|76.35.98.14}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:23, 28 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D|2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D]] == * {{vandal|2603:9000:DE00:84A3:FCA9:D662:175F:D38D}} Vandalism. Check deleted contrib, created multiple pages that out of project scope. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Aqurs1|Aqurs1]] ([[User talk:Aqurs1|talk]]) 14:09, 28 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420]] == * {{vandal|2603:6010:D8F0:E20:B597:CD00:288C:5420}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:07, 28 March 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} I blocked the /64 causing problems from a range of IP addresses. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 02:33, 29 March 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Historybell05|Historybell05]] == * {{vandal|Historybell05}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:48, 29 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} and yeeted the spam page as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:29, 29 March 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-03-31, 01:13 == * {{IPvandal|104.14.129.233}} The same person who vandalized [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] is doing it again. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 01:15, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/188.93.112.241|188.93.112.241]] == * {{vandal|188.93.112.241}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:34, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:34, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Asjakqiku|Asjakqiku]] == * {{vandal|Asjakqiku}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:34, 31 March 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 1 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/202bh|202bh]] == * {{vandal|202bh}} Block evasion of [[Special:Contributions/Biuc12]]. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 2 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} indef block. Same sock account making Alexander Lukison edits at en-wiki. I undid those edits but I am not an admin there. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:06, 2 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Rabbitoy|Rabbitoy]] == * {{vandal|Rabbitoy}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:14, 2 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:07, 2 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ijmremodeling4|Ijmremodeling4]] == * {{vandal|Ijmremodeling4}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 3 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} block and cleanup done by GMG. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:41, 6 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8|2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8]] == * {{vandal|2402:1980:8310:144:C8E:B57C:5C16:2EB8}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 6 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:42, 6 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Khusha digital|Khusha digital]] == * {{vandal|Khusha digital}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:36, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:18, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.205.237.149|75.205.237.149]] == * {{vandal|75.205.237.149}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:48, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} I also recently blocked a different IP from California for adding the same "balls" quote to my talk page. Mysterious how some people choose to find fun. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:17, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0|2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0]] == * {{vandal|2600:1011:A03E:B73B:E519:E650:F78F:5FC0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:BlackShadoww|BlackShadoww]] ([[User talk:BlackShadoww|talk]]) 22:18, 8 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked 1 week for vandalism. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 22:37, 8 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3C0B:4FE3:6164:EDE}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 9 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} I blocked the IP and deleted the pages. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 12:49, 9 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Would build|Would build]] == * {{vandal|Would build}} LTA, [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:46, 10 April 2025 (UTC) :Indeed I created the pages because they have citations on [[Google]] Please [[search]] for each [[Names|name]] that I created a page for You will find that what I said is correct and [[identical]] As for Alaa I have no background or [[knowledge]] of him This is the first time I have heard of him What are all the names mentioned? I only have one name. [[User:Would build|Would build]] ([[User talk:Would build|talk]]) 10:00, 11 April 2025 (UTC) ::Blocked, clearly the same evasive tactics used by previous LTA accounts promoting Mohamed AlAgha. And the rest of the articles created probably require cleanup as well. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:29, 11 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shernukh Despicable|Shernukh Despicable]] == * {{vandal|Shernukh Despicable}} LTA, [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:46, 10 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} clearly same LTA [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 11:30, 11 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Engineer Zak|Engineer Zak]] == * {{vandal|Engineer Zak}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 12 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} 18:18, 13 April 2025 (UTC) [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:18, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2|SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2]] == * {{vandal|SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! 2}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:USSR-Slav|USSR-Slav]] ([[User talk:USSR-Slav|talk]]) 08:08, 13 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:15, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Imagepro2|Imagepro2]] == * {{vandal|Imagepro2}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 13 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:15, 13 April 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-04-18, 13:49 == * {{IPvandal|76.122.3.178}} Repeated vandalism. [[User:Svartava|Svartava]] ([[User talk:Svartava|talk]]) 13:50, 18 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:49, 18 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381|2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381]] == * {{vandal|2600:100E:A120:2B52:D5FD:AE03:90C9:A381}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:27, 14 April 2025 (UTC) :Globally blocked tho not by me [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:11, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TarzanBoyFan|TarzanBoyFan]] == * {{vandal|TarzanBoyFan}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 14 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, also globally blocked. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:10, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jankhan1114|Jankhan1114]] == * {{vandal|Jankhan1114}} Adding spam links <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 02:35, 16 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:09, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Corteiz0102|Corteiz0102]] == * {{vandal|Corteiz0102}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:36, 17 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:08, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Crystalwebster|Crystalwebster]] == * {{vandal|Crystalwebster}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 18 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:12, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Intellectualpropertyorg|Intellectualpropertyorg]] == * {{vandal|Intellectualpropertyorg}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:06, 19 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 19:06, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Reversi the great|Reversi the great]] == * {{vandal|Reversi the great}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Ternera|Ternera]] ([[User talk:Ternera|talk]]) 22:09, 19 April 2025 (UTC) : Handled globally. <span style="display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;">~~<nowiki/>~~<br/><span style="font-size:0.7em;">[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])</span></span> 22:14, 19 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Myriamphoto|Myriamphoto]] == * {{vandal|Myriamphoto}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 20 April 2025 (UTC) :???? [[User:Myriamphoto|Myriamphoto]] ([[User talk:Myriamphoto|talk]]) 12:04, 20 April 2025 (UTC) ::{{done}} warned. Please do not post spam here. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:17, 20 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/222.127.93.32|222.127.93.32]] == * {{vandal|222.127.93.32}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 20 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:17, 20 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/192.36.155.238|192.36.155.238]] == * {{vandal|192.36.155.238}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:23, 21 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else deleting the contribs. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:47, 21 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Arbitrary Reversi Star|Arbitrary Reversi Star]] == * {{vandal|Arbitrary Reversi Star}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:02, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:06, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Lucku89202|Lucku89202]] == * {{vandal|Lucku89202}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:49, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Farshidn28|Farshidn28]] == * {{vandal|Farshidn28}} Spamming <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Hide on Rosé|Hide on Rosé]] ([[User talk:Hide on Rosé|talk]]) 09:14, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:14, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2|2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2]] == * {{vandal|2600:100C:B023:EBE3:11D8:289D:78C1:B8A2}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 15:07, 22 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 15:49, 22 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Supportsofttech|Supportsofttech]] == * {{vandal|Supportsofttech}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:20, 23 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/41.114.96.59|41.114.96.59]] == * {{vandal|41.114.96.59}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:59, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 25 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ElseworthJohn|ElseworthJohn]] == * {{vandal|ElseworthJohn}} Possible link spam, please see [https://spamcheck.toolforge.org/by-domain?q=uklaw.co.uk] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 25 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked for making clearly inappropriate external link, inserted as first and only edit. NOTHERE. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:08, 25 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C|2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:902:5DA0:6EAF:984C}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 23 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, all deleted. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:08, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/R3F6O7|R3F6O7]] == * {{vandal|R3F6O7}} Vandalism. Lazy to tag every page for speedy deletion, please nuke them thanks. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Aqurs1|Aqurs1]] ([[User talk:Aqurs1|talk]]) 09:25, 28 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} pages deleted and user blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:34, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64]] == * {{vandal|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:0:0:0:0/64}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:FlyingAce|FlyingAce]] ([[User talk:FlyingAce|talk]]) 10:24, 28 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} reverted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:35, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8]] == * {{vandal|2600:1700:FF00:46A0:3092:9C27:C936:36F8}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Langusto|Langusto]] ([[User talk:Langusto|talk]]) 10:43, 28 April 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} - repeat of above notice. Reverted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:36, 28 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD|2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD]] == * {{vandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:D039:8DCF:2DFB:52AD}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:00, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:07, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD]] == * {{vandal|2601:1C2:81:AB70:3CCE:ED47:113C:CCBD}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:07, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:48, 29 April 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cblmhospitalfh|Cblmhospitalfh]] == * {{vandal|Cblmhospitalfh}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:17, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:40, 5 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TheDigitalFlix|TheDigitalFlix]] == * {{vandal|TheDigitalFlix}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 29 April 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 18:40, 5 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-5, 21:54 == * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:FF00:2770:1934:788B:F4F2:3515}} * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:FF00:2770:3093:B811:1F8:7D7B}} Vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 21:56, 5 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} I blocked the 64, since this seems to be the same vandal using a variable IP. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 00:26, 6 May 2025 (UTC) https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:2770:1934:788B:F4F2:3515 https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2600:1700:FF00:2770:3093:B811:1F8:7D7B == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Adebayo Olamilekanl|Adebayo Olamilekanl]] == * {{vandal|Adebayo Olamilekanl}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:50, 5 May 2025 (UTC) :The only spam (userpage) was already deleted. I left message on talk page explaining the problem and no further edits have been made. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 21:46, 6 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/CommonsBuilder|CommonsBuilder]] == * {{vandal|CommonsBuilder}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:41, 6 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:28, 7 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Paintingdrive|Paintingdrive]] == * {{vandal|Paintingdrive}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 7 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 13:27, 7 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/OceanAteAlaska|OceanAteAlaska]] == * {{vandal|OceanAteAlaska}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:16, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :Globally Blocked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:35, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Bhushan1999|Bhushan1999]] == * {{vandal|Bhushan1999}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:49, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:50, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Cashappzone|Cashappzone]] == * {{vandal|Cashappzone}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:19, 9 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Ramodstyree|Ramodstyree]] == * {{vandal|Ramodstyree}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:53, 9 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:04, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D|2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D]] == * {{vandal|2401:4900:73F0:A3F3:89CB:E90A:6590:89D}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 09:54, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:35, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C|2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C]] == * {{vandal|2600:387:1:803:0:0:0:5C}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Langusto|Langusto]] ([[User talk:Langusto|talk]]) 18:52, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:23, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/JohnJoan&Johnny|JohnJoan&Johnny]] == * {{vandal|JohnJoan&Johnny}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 20:42, 10 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:23, 10 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sydneyuk|Sydneyuk]] == * {{vandal|2400:ADC5:169:0:0:0:0:0/48}} also * {{vandal|Sydneyuk}} This looks like someone spamming Akhtar Aly Kureshy by several IPs and by the account Sydneyuk This account is blocked https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/Sydneyuk Akhtar Aly Kureshy was deleted here multiple times: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Akhtar_Aly_Kureshy&action=edit&redlink=1 Might need cleanup <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 22:01, 11 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Sellsinusa8|Sellsinusa8]] == * {{vandal|Sellsinusa8}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:04, 11 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:05, 11 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:13, 11 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:16, 12 May 2025 (UTC) ::This is the fourth time I blocked this IP. Earlier blocks were for spam but this one is straight vandalism. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:47, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Jhonsmith45|Jhonsmith45]] == * {{vandal|Jhonsmith45}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:15, 12 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:45, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/75.146.215.29|75.146.215.29]] == * {{vandal|75.146.215.29}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:41, 12 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 16:44, 12 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Shelbertaim|Shelbertaim]] == * {{vandal|Shelbertaim}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:44, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and content deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:00, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/48]] == * White supremacist, antisemite, long-term problem; probable ban evasion ([[User:TVEBOR]]) - adding swastikas, racist propaganda, replacing pictures of Black people with white, removing quotes by Jews, etc. etc. A lot of his vandalism and POV-pushing is sneaky and obfuscated (often you need to scroll down in a diff.) This /48 probably best captures his current IPv6 range. Will make a noticeboard post if necessary. Tonight's IP is [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:FDB3:2B29:9325:256]. Thank you - [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 02:23, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:39, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/James dayeeb|James dayeeb]] == * {{vandal|James dayeeb}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:19, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:35, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Xover's Son|Xover's Son]] == * {{vandal|Xover's Son}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:03, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:38, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nicalismedicine|Nicalismedicine]] == * {{vandal|Nicalismedicine}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:28, 13 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:38, 13 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Webpivots|Webpivots]] == * {{vandal|Webpivots}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:00, 14 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:12, 14 May 2025 (UTC) ::Reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:15, 14 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Wazih Perfume & Fragness|Wazih Perfume & Fragness]] == * {{vandal|Wazih Perfume & Fragness}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:37, 15 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:44, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/46.188.164.176|46.188.164.176]] == * {{vandal|46.188.164.176}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Sakura emad|Sakura emad]] ([[User talk:Sakura emad|talk]]) 17:35, 15 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 11:45, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aidentaylors|Aidentaylors]] == * {{vandal|Aidentaylors}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:15, 16 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:23, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Maraadamb3|Maraadamb3]] == * {{vandal|Maraadamb3}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 16 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:37, 16 May 2025 (UTC) ::Reported at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:38, 16 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Loftyus|Loftyus]] == * {{vandal|Loftyus}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:24, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:52, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Besturdu|Besturdu]] == * {{vandal|Besturdu}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:33, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0|2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0]] == * {{vandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:761C:3F36:F21F:FAD0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:30, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/29912 Hello|29912 Hello]] == * {{vandal|29912 Hello}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gsfdswghhgf29912|Gsfdswghhgf29912]] == * {{vandal|Gsfdswghhgf29912}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:13, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/175.107.216.70|175.107.216.70]] == * {{vandal|175.107.216.70}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:34, 19 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:54, 20 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0|321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0]] == * {{vandal|321SPONGEBOLT, Josiahblaze0}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:04, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:26, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Albertt711|Albertt711]] == * {{vandal|Albertt711}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:07, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:22, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-20, 17:17 == * {{Vandal|Rgato1536}} Only creation of nonsense pages [[User:Samuele2002|Samuele2002]] ([[User talk:Samuele2002|talk]]) 17:18, 20 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 01:20, 21 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Tomburke612|Tomburke612]] == * {{vandal|Tomburke612}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:42, 22 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:35, 24 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning block-evading white supremacist/antisemite == * Multiple IPs, one static, and others highly dynamic: :(The original, currently blocked, was https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/2001:8003:DC14:0:0:0:0:0/48) :{{Vandal|2001:8004:52E0:44E5:5C70:DA73:B43C:117E}} (current as of this report) :{{Vandal|203.54.155.190}} (static) :{{Vandal|2001:8004:6BA0:F08F:C9B6:1A4:F8D9:F9E7}} :{{Vandal|2001:8004:52E1:6E1F:78B5:F277:5954:3616}} Comment - This person is persistent and returns with a differnet IPv6 every time. His POV-pushing is often sneaky and obfuscated; he adds swastikas, anti-vax propaganda, outright racist garbage on pages where it doesn't belong, etc. Often you have to scroll down in a diff, and go to the source of an image, to see what he is doing. I will make a noticeboard post if necessary. This has been going on at least since 2019. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 01:06, 23 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.35.74.197|96.35.74.197]] == * {{vandal|96.35.74.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/TamHamGhor|TamHamGhor]] == * {{vandal|TamHamGhor}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-05-24, 21:37 == * {{IPvandal|75.127.152.34}} * {{IPvandal|68.193.160.90}} These Fourlaxers sockpuppets consistently remove content from [[Shining Time Station]] without explanation. They were given warnings, but they refuse to comply. They must be blocked indefinitely, and it is recommended the page be protected indefinitely. It is the only way they are going to stop. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 22:33, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by protecting, no blocks. Anyone else can block if deemed fit. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:03, 25 May 2025 (UTC) ::That will do, but if the sockpuppet(s) persist after the protection expires, or if a sockpuppet account should happen to make those same edits, they must be indefinitely blocked on sight. [[Special:Contributions/100.8.243.246|100.8.243.246]] 02:00, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B|2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B]] == * {{vandal|2600:100F:A021:8696:2CFF:3709:AFAD:772B}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:21, 24 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:04, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChunzwBot|ChunzwBot]] == * {{vandal|ChunzwBot}} Vandalism. Also violates [[WQ:Username policy]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --<span style="color:#dbf;font:bold 100% 'Brush Script MT',cursive;padding:0 .75em 0 .5em">— [[User:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#c8f">Naomi</span>]] [[User talk:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#93f">Amethyst</span>]]</span> 06:36, 25 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:00, 25 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.211.78.197|97.211.78.197]] == * {{vandal|97.211.78.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:27, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — short term block in place. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC|2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC]] == * {{vandal|2600:100F:A021:8696:7C9A:2A2E:D571:68CC}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:JJPMaster|JJP...MASTER!]]_{[[User:JJPMaster|[talk to] JJP... master?]]} 03:56, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — short term block in place. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ChanzwBot|ChanzwBot]] == * {{vandal|ChanzwBot}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:30, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Spyranretail70|Spyranretail70]] == * {{vandal|Spyranretail70}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 26 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 09:05, 26 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/124.217.188.201|124.217.188.201]] == * {{vandal|124.217.188.201}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:JJPMaster|JJP...MASTER!]]_{[[User:JJPMaster|[talk to] JJP... master?]]} 13:05, 28 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked 1 week [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:04, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/97.210.87.237|97.210.87.237]] == * {{vandal|97.210.87.237}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 29 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:05, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Theindiamovesjpr|Theindiamovesjpr]] == * {{vandal|Theindiamovesjpr}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:50, 29 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:06, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Gashi Gani1944|Gashi Gani1944]] == * {{vandal|Gashi Gani1944}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:18, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:10, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Donald Trump is the worst president|Donald Trump is the worst president]] == * {{vandal|Donald Trump is the worst president}} LTA Zjholder <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 22:16, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally locked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:11, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024|Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024]] == * {{vandal|Fùč̣k Donald Trump 2024}} LTA Zjholder <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 22:24, 30 May 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked tho not by me. [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 08:12, 31 May 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25|2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25]] == * {{vandal|2605:59C0:21D7:2410:20FA:A529:93A5:25}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --<span style="color:#dbf;font:bold 100% 'Brush Script MT',cursive;padding:0 .75em 0 .5em">— [[User:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#c8f">Naomi</span>]] [[User talk:NaomiAmethyst|<span style="color:#93f">Amethyst</span>]]</span> 04:17, 1 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:HouseOfChange|HouseOfChange]] ([[User talk:HouseOfChange|talk]]) 17:06, 1 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/64.31.104.150|64.31.104.150]] == * {{vandal|64.31.104.150}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 20:05, 1 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 02:43, 2 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Astrologersneha|Astrologersneha]] == * {{vandal|Astrologersneha}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 2 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:50, 2 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/MIarch11|MIarch11]] == * {{Vandal|MIarch11}} Clearly only here to vandalize and not to build. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:31, 2 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:02, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/SiddhnathPune|SiddhnathPune]] == * {{vandal|SiddhnathPune}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 3 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:06, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Luccy Wilson|Luccy Wilson]] == * {{vandal|Luccy Wilson}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:36, 3 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:07, 3 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/71.195.107.170|71.195.107.170]] == * {{vandal|71.195.107.170}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:35, 4 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:26, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F|2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F]] == * {{vandal|2603:3006:1801:C800:C0D5:B48D:3B9B:C33F}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 4 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:26, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Kojo seven|Kojo seven]] == * {{vandal|Kojo seven}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:48, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, I hope a warning is enough. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:27, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Samdiago1234|Samdiago1234]] == * {{vandal|Samdiago1234}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:30, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:04, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/ItzTheKnight16|ItzTheKnight16]] == * {{vandal|ItzTheKnight16}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]], removed CSD tag by IP. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:02, 10 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:07, 10 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A|2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A]] == * {{vandal|2804:D51:447F:6600:496B:3ED2:F1C2:549A}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 16:15, 11 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:34, 11 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/गुंडा|गुंडा]] == * {{vandal|गुंडा}} Recreated [[Abdelnaser Abdelfatah]], please see [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Return_of_Abdel_Nasser_Abdel_Fattah_Mohamed_(ANAFM)]]. <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 11 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/66.216.210.4|66.216.210.4]] == * {{vandal|66.216.210.4}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:28, 11 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked and pages deleted. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 11:54, 12 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/GMK7|GMK7]] == * {{vandal|GMK7}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:03, 14 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/96.35.74.197|96.35.74.197]] == * {{vandal|96.35.74.197}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:41, 14 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/50.226.140.190|50.226.140.190]] == * {{vandal|50.226.140.190}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:20, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/182.178.120.110|182.178.120.110]] == * {{vandal|182.178.120.110}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:22, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-15, 20:41 == * {{IPvandal|50.226.140.190}} Creating many bad pages. [[User:Zaxxon0|Zaxxon0]] ([[User talk:Zaxxon0|talk]]) 20:41, 15 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/208.40.86.22|208.40.86.22]] == * {{vandal|208.40.86.22}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:52, 16 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India|GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India]] == * {{vandal|GrowwMax InfoTech Pvt. Ltd India}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:14, 16 June 2025 (UTC) : already blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 12:20, 17 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Aarti5678|Aarti5678]] == * {{vandal|Aarti5678}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:14, 17 June 2025 (UTC) : Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 12:20, 17 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Anchaldigital|Anchaldigital]] == * {{vandal|Anchaldigital}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 18 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported to [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:13, 18 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Opinnate|Opinnate]] == * {{vandal|Opinnate}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:29, 18 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 14:13, 18 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-19, 06:27 == * {{Vandal|Cuumora}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 06:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 06:35, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313|2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313]] == * {{vandal|2409:4089:AB3D:32AC:0:0:5F4A:F313}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/173.207.58.96|173.207.58.96]] == * {{vandal|173.207.58.96}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:56, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:28, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Dandeleon14|Dandeleon14]] == * {{vandal|Dandeleon14}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:25, 19 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 08:29, 19 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Nanhost049|Nanhost049]] == * {{vandal|Nanhost049}} Spam <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:17, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/35.39.105.217|35.39.105.217]] == * {{vandal|35.39.105.217}} Vandalism <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == Report concerning [[Special:Contributions/Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote|Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote]] == * {{vandal|Super Mario Bros kart on Wekequote}} Vandalism. [[Special:Contributions/35.39.105.217]] <small>[[:m:Special:MyLanguage/User:TenWhile6/XReport|XReport]]</small> --[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:19, 22 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:48, 22 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-24, 22:24 == * {{IPvandal|173.207.58.96}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:16, 24 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:31, 24 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-26, 02:06 == * {{IPvandal|103.95.39.28}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:56, 26 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 04:04, 26 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-26, 11:11 == * {{Vandal|SEObacklink963622}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:59, 26 June 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:20, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-28, 23:22 == * {{Vandal|Jewelrugs1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:23, 28 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:22, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-28, 23:23 == * {{IPvandal|2603:8001:8701:8E03:F583:37AF:5885:8129}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:24, 28 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:24, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 04:28 == * {{Vandal|GMK7}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:29, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, reporting at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:26, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 05:38 == * {{Vandal|Cineyadsd}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:41, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} reported at [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:44, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 09:32 == * {{Vandal|Axcessrent}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:41, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked locally by {{user|UDScott}}, and blocked globally also. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 22:39 == * {{Vandal|CloudRafanan}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:51, 30 June 2025 (UTC) : Posted warning to talk page. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-06-30, 22:52 == * {{IPvandal|2600:387:C:7210:0:0:0:2}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:54, 30 June 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked IP for 2 weeks. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:14, 30 June 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-1, 22:27 == * {{Vandal|Akande1234}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:51, 1 July 2025 (UTC) : Globally blocked by vermont. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:59, 3 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-2, 12:06 == * {{Vandal|Jannelk247}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:21, 2 July 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} indef blocked -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 04:00, 3 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-3, 00:06 == * {{IPvandal|2600:1700:5AED:1000:92E:CD90:2DF5:D4C1}} It's the same vandal who once again vandalized [[The Father (2020 film)]], [[News of the World]], and [[Loonatics Unleashed]]. I don't want to risk edit warring. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 00:38, 3 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:42, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-5, 04:17 == * {{Vandal|Traveliciousbites}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:18, 5 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:46, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-5, 06:54 == * {{Vandal|Marian122298}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:25, 5 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:47, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-7, 12:08 == * {{Vandal|AAS Direct HQ}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 7 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} reporting to [[:m:]] —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:47, 7 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-8, 11:31 == * {{Vandal|Provent-compliance}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:54, 8 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:11, 8 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-9, 12:27 == * {{Vandal|Walidfalcon}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 9 July 2025 (UTC) : Blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 13:26, 9 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-12, 11:07 == * {{Vandal|Solamalaicollege}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 12 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:44, 12 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-13, 21:01 == * {{IPvandal|71.195.107.170}} Vandalism [[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 21:01, 13 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — IP blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:24, 13 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-13, 21:10 == * {{Vandal|OdysseusBoy}} Vandalism. [[User:Pólux|Pólux]] ([[User talk:Pólux|talk]]) 21:11, 13 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:24, 13 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-14, 07:12 == * {{Vandal|Digitalnik}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:13, 14 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:38, 14 July 2025 (UTC) ::Reported: https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Steward_requests%2FGlobal&diff=28981228&oldid=28981056 —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:39, 14 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-20, 03:20 == * {{Vandal|Medicusofhouston}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:31, 20 July 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} blocked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 02:16, 21 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-26, 14:05 == * {{Vandal|NorthernWinds}} A short explanation for why this username should be blocked: new account that seems to be focused exclusively on Israel and Palestine (a lot of activisty on [[Zionism]] and the [[Palestine]] page). Is deleting many quotes other editors added, contacting some editors but not waiting for responses. It's been disruptive, not sure if it qualifies as vandalism or political activism or just someone who hasn't learned the process yet. [[User:A23423413|A23423413]] ([[User talk:A23423413|talk]]) 15:10, 26 July 2025 (UTC)A23423413, July 26, 2025 :Hello @[[User:A23423413|A23423413]], :I am sorry if that is how I came across, I did not mean any wrong. You said I "did not wait for a response". You are likely referring to when I pinged you [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Zionism#c-NorthernWinds-20250726121900-Notability here]. <s>I, in fact, did wait for a response, and did not remove your quote.</s> I have removed quotes which I cannot find secondary sources for, in compliance with [[WQ:FAME]]. If there are any issues with my editing, I believe it is best to contact me and [[WQ:AGF]] before reporting, <s>and misleading others ("not waiting for responses").</s> I do not have an agenda, and if there is a "process" I have yet to learn about, please raise it in my talk page and I'll be more than happy to learn and contribute more in line with guidelines going forward. :Note: upon second review of the page's history, it appears I did remove your quote, and you are the one who reinstated. I do not remember doing so, and would like to apologize. Could you please respond where I contacted you about the secondary source required for [[WQ:FAME]]? :Best, [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 15:18, 26 July 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-1, 07:26 == * {{Vandal|Handmadefever}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:26, 1 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:42, 1 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-27, 13:26 == * {{IPvandal|177.98.100.114}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:26, 27 July 2025 (UTC) :{{Ping|MathXplore}} E.g. ? I don't see any obvious vandalism. Are the quotations fake? (I've never seen this TV show). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:09, 3 August 2025 (UTC) :: [[Special:Log/177.98.100.114]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:29, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-27, 13:28 == * {{Vandal|Mbretpix}} * {{Vandal|RahulGandhi01}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:28, 27 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:10, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-07-28, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|DJ Makosam Official 1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 28 July 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:10, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-3, 13:24 == * {{Vandal|Cryptoemarketing}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 3 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:03, 3 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 01:17 == * {{Vandal|Jexebarb}} * {{Vandal|Jesequote}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:28, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 01:30 == * {{Vandal|Ellie0804}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:31, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:36, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-4, 11:58 == * {{IPvandal|72.202.155.82}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:59, 4 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 18:46, 4 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-6, 12:01 == * {{Vandal|Bcuja}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:02, 6 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-7, 01:36 == * {{IPvandal|2601:243:D01:1F20:9049:4A73:338F:EE73}} Cross-wiki spam, [[:w:WP:FORUMSHOP]], [[Special:CentralAuth/PawPatroler]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:13, 7 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-7, 07:36 == * {{Vandal|Provent-compliance1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:36, 7 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}}, deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:12, 7 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-8, 12:21 == * {{Vandal|Proventcompliance301}} * {{Vandal|Abarch Architects}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 8 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, latter globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:38, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-9, 23:18 == * {{Vandal|Joseph05678890}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:20, 9 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} deleted by someone else, welcomed/warned. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:39, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-10, 12:46 == * {{Vandal|BinanceDatabase}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:48, 10 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:40, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-10, 12:48 == * {{Vandal|Fluvos Captus}} * [[Abdelnaser Abdelfatah]] Spam ([[Special:CentralAuth/Абидров_Рафаэль_Беймович]], [[Special:CentralAuth/गुंडा]], [[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard/Archive/040#Return_of_Abdel_Nasser_Abdel_Fattah_Mohamed_(ANAFM)]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 10 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally, undoing now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:40, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-12, 02:11 == * {{IPvandal|187.89.104.62}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:47, 12 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Empty pages deleted, user welcome/warned. I didn't see anything that was actually "vandalism", so if I missed it, please give a diff. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:44, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-12, 12:54 == * {{IPvandal|31.134.188.230}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 12 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-14, 03:21 == * {{Vandal|Thegoofhere}} Some one keeps removing pro Israel quotes only replacing them with quotes from Ali khamenei lol https://en.m.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Iran%E2%80%93Israel_war&diff=prev&oldid=3793121 A short explanation for why this username should be blocked. [[User:Baratiiman|Baratiiman]] ([[User talk:Baratiiman|talk]]) 03:23, 14 August 2025 (UTC) :I'm not? What are you even talking about, dude [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 03:26, 14 August 2025 (UTC) ::I was merely removing quotes that weren't properly sourced to [[Wikipedia:Wikipedia:Reliable sources|RS]], please see [[WQ:QUOTE]] [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 04:10, 14 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-14, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|Justinmartin012}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 14 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 10:07, 15 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-15, 17:55 == Moved to Administrators' noticeboard [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#New_report_2025-08-15,_17:55] -[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:00, 16 August 2025 (UTC) * {{Vandal|NorthernWinds}} posting here about the continued targeted subtractive vandalism by this new user on pages relating to palestine and israel. tagging {{Ping|koavf}} as promised, and also {{Ping|UDScott}}, {{Ping|Kalki}}, and {{Ping|Peter1c}} because they've been involved in talk page discussions with northernwinds. northernwinds, can you tag any editors that you think have shown support for the large cuts you've been trying to make under the notability guideline, so they can particapate in this conversation too? a timeline of my involvement in what's been happening is something like this: on july 26 i noticed unusual, subtractive editing on the [[Zionism]] page from a newly created account and reverted it with a note why. northernwinds continued to cut quotes from that page anyway and started to on the [[Palestine]] page as well, so i reported it on the Vandalism in Progress page: "new account that seems to be focused exclusively on Israel and Palestine (a lot of activisty on Zionism and the Palestine page). Is deleting many quotes other editors added, contacting some editors but not waiting for responses. It's been disruptive, not sure if it qualifies as vandalism or political activism or just someone who hasn't learned the process yet." northernwinds posted a defensive paragraph 8 minutes later but no admin responded and that report is now [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress/Archive/16 archived]. northernwinds continued trying to make large cuts of quotes other editors had added and some of the removals were reverted by admins. on august 5 i reverted their attempted mass quote removal on the [[Palestine]] page and asked them using the edit summary: " which people on the page do you think should not be considered notable? and for the ones that you agree are notable but you think the quote isn't, what is a different quote by them you suggest?" northernwinds posted an evasive response on the palestine talk page, which i responded to there and also said i was going to wait for some kind of feedback from an admin before deciding whether to communicate directly with them again. we both contacted {{Ping|Kalki}} on august 5 and northernwinds has a bolded explanation there that the notability guideline is not a mandate, and august 7 from {{Ping|Peter1c}} on the palestine talk page as well. on august 12 and 13 i reverted northernwinds attempted mass removal of quotes from the [[Zionism]] and [[Israel]] pages and added the suggestion in the edit summary "if you think we should make subtractive changes as a new editor, list on the talk page the names of the individuals that you think should not be considered notable, and over time we can see if other editors agree or not." and i asked on koavf's talk page: "if you looked at the user's large subtractive edits and their comments on talk pages and didn't/don't interpret it as vandalism, could you write about how what they've been doing is different than cases that you do judge to be vandalism? and if you do spend some time reviewing this situation, do you have any feedback or advice for what i could try to do differently next time i notice a new editor trying to make large cuts to pages like this?" i have also reverted northernwinds july 31 attempt to remove half of the content other editors had added to the [[Israeli–Palestinian conflict]] page i've been choosing to revert to the version of these pages right before northernwinds started trying to make cuts by misusing the notability guideline because those were most obviously political activism. but northernwinds also made a series of significant cuts to pages on july 3 with the endurance guideline as the explanation, including a third of the quotes that were on the [[Israel]] page. if anyone has already checked if some of those were made in bad faith too or not, can you let us know so we're all on the same page? [[User:A23423413|A23423413]] ([[User talk:A23423413|talk]]) 19:13, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :This is more suitable for the administrator's noticeboard than here. You may want to move it [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 19:40, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :Hello @[[User:A23423413|A23423413]] and @[[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]]. I am willing to help resolve this disagreement. :1. I see NorthernWinds is making additions as well as deletions. To me this implies it is problematic to describe NorthenWinds as a vandal. I don't underestimate the value of expressing feelings along with editorial concerns, but precision of language can help avoid unnecessary escalation. See [[WQ:AGF]]. :2. If any disagreement about deletion of a quotation is documented or anticipated, Wikiquote best practice is to move the deleted quotations to the talk page, maintaining them alphabetically, and include detailed explanations for deletions and other editorial actions. :Thank you for your contributions to Wikiquote! ~ [[User:Peter1c|Peter1c]] ([[User talk:Peter1c|talk]]) 20:54, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :I agree that this is better suited to the AN. Please move this there. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 21:05, 15 August 2025 (UTC) Moved to Administrators' noticeboard [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard#New_report_2025-08-15,_17:55] -[[User:IOHANNVSVERVS|IOHANNVSVERVS]] ([[User talk:IOHANNVSVERVS|talk]]) 05:00, 16 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-15, 22:44 == * {{Vandal|Lesenokx}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:27, 15 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:32, 15 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-20, 12:24 == * {{Vandal|Virinchipvs}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:59, 20 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:33, 20 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-24, 04:00 == * {{IPvandal|2804:D51:4427:6100:648E:2EEF:CA13:CC96}} Recurring vandalism on [[The Powerpuff Girls]] and [[The Powerpuff Girls Movie]], see those pages' histories. You might want to consider blocking the whole /32 range. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 04:01, 24 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-25, 23:37 == * {{IPvandal|2001:8003:B437:DE00:CC40:CB84:7BC5:EA52}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:39, 25 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:33, 26 August 2025 (UTC) — blocked this IP for a month — but right now, I don’t have enough info or time to attempt a wider range block. == New report 2025-08-26, 12:31 == * {{Vandal|Bunnyleisureadultcenter}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:42, 26 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:14, 27 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-26, 22:48 == * {{Vandal|Thewesternoutfit0}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:15, 26 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:11, 27 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-27, 22:57 == * {{Vandal|Defrenzel9}} He appears to be the same IP user who vandalized [[Beast Wars: Transformers]] and [[Beast Machines: Transformers]]. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 23:22, 27 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:26, 27 August 2025 (UTC) — blocked. ::Why are you not accepting me all the time including for News Of The World and for The Father? [[Special:Contributions/2600:1700:5AED:1000:C18A:F463:188A:63A0|2600:1700:5AED:1000:C18A:F463:188A:63A0]] 01:45, 28 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-08-28, 07:10 == * {{Vandal|Bajajhomeandliving}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:42, 28 August 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:32, 28 August 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-2, 08:29 == * {{IPvandal|150.228.135.214}} Spam.[[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:30, 2 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by rollback. I hope that's enough for now. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:06, 2 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-2, 22:36 == * {{Vandal|Cricwindow}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:53, 2 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:05, 2 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-3, 22:05 == * {{Vandal|OLAYINKA WALIYAT}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 3 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:01, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-4, 11:56 == * {{Vandal|Travis34567}} * {{Vandal|Ademayowa12}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:31, 4 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else and me. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:36, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-4, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|We are going to get a Democratic President soon}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:46, 4 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 16:36, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-5, 11:55 == * {{Vandal|Jhonnycarmen}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:06, 5 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported at [[:m:]]. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:21, 5 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 02:38 == * {{Vandal|X UZBOT}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:29, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:44, 7 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 07:27 == * {{Vandal|Yellowstone Apparel}} * {{Vandal|~2025-52117-2}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:33, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} (IP not blocked as stale). —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:35, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 11:11 == * {{Vandal|Md Rafiul Islam Rafi (mrafiseo)}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:49, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:35, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-7, 22:13 == * {{Vandal|Armoredcarcomedies}} * {{Vandal|Luka Madhieu Kuot Mou}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:38, 7 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:36, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-8, 12:52 == * {{Vandal|Arowolo1123}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 8 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else, reported to stewards. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:39, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-8, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-55658-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:55, 8 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:40, 9 September 2025 (UTC) == Block evasion, POV-pushing white supremacist == * {{Vandal|~2025-51577-8}} Block evasion; see [[Wikiquote:Administrators'_noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48:_long-term_abuse_by_antisemitic_racist_extreme_right-wing_vandal_for_six_years|this recent noticeboard thread]] for context. [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] ([[User talk:Antandrus|talk]]) 15:08, 10 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:47, 15 September 2025 (UTC) ::{{replyto|Koavf}} Thanks, but it'd be better to block that temporary account for three months, which is how long they last ... that would literally only affect that user and would probably give both [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]] and I more piece of mind. (As you can see, the temporary account encompasses the same user on multiple IP addresses). Poking at the underlying /64's of the IPV6 addresses (the ones with colons rather than dots) would also be completely safe). If I were you, I would also block [[Special:Contributions/~2025-57996-1|~2025-57996-1]] for three months as well (see below), just to cover all bases (as you can see the /64 used by that one is also used by ~2025-51577-8). [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 05:45, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:05, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 12:13 == * {{Vandal|VinnyDove}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:45, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 12:23 == * {{Vandal|~2025-56504-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:22, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:46, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-11, 20:18 == * {{Vandal|Patrick sigma}} Likely a vandalism only account judging by the single edit. [[User:IanDBeacon|IanDBeacon]] ([[User talk:IanDBeacon|talk]]) 20:19, 11 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:48, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-12, 13:28 == * {{Vandal|InvoiceTempleApp}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:16, 12 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:49, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 03:54 == * {{Vandal|Natieyamylostrealacc}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:51, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :What do you mean by Vandalism? Why am I being pinged? [[User:Natieyamylostrealacc|Natieyamylostrealacc]] ([[User talk:Natieyamylostrealacc|talk]]) 14:26, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :: I have seen [[:w:WP:YELL]] in [[special:permalink/3806533]] so I thought this is the case. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:16, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :::I'm sorry, sir. I just put AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA in my page. I didn't know that I was breaking the rules. [[User:Natieyamylostrealacc|Natieyamylostrealacc]] ([[User talk:Natieyamylostrealacc|talk]]) 18:06, 14 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{done}} Rare false positive, but understandable. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:39, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 05:23 == * {{Vandal|OmranTokhi7}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:04, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} globally —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:51, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-13, 23:16 == * {{Vandal|Leonard Ali}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 13 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:55, 15 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-16, 11:10 == * {{Vandal|~2025-62212-4}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:38, 16 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-16, 23:35 == * {{Vandal|MakingTheWorldBetter1977}} * {{Vandal|SheSaidCampaign}} VFD vote stacking at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Shadan Kapri]] & [[Talk:Shadan Kapri]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:37, 16 September 2025 (UTC) : [[:m:Steward_requests/Checkuser/2025-09#MakingTheWorldBetter1977@en.wikiquote]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:37, 16 September 2025 (UTC) :Is this your attempt to hide your sexism and misogyny?? Failed attempt. [[User:SheSaidCampaign|SheSaidCampaign]] ([[User talk:SheSaidCampaign|talk]]) 00:05, 17 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-17, 23:36 == * {{Vandal|~2025-52999-8}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:36, 17 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 00:00 == * {{Vandal|Noeruchan is worst, Thcsphuninh2006 is good}} Vandalism only, troll username, some sort of LTA I think [[User:&#126;delta|&#126;delta]] ([[User talk:&#126;delta|talk]]) 00:02, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 07:19 == * {{Vandal|Noeruchan are worst, Thcsphuninh2006 are best}} Vandalism, LTA. [[User:Như Gây Mê|Như Gây Mê]] ([[User talk:Như Gây Mê|talk]]) 07:21, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-18, 12:03 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63753-0}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 18 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-19, 03:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63481-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:26, 19 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-19, 22:16 == * {{Vandal|Ayane Fumihiro is worst, ChanComThemPho is good}} The individual's contributions make the obvious reason why. [[User:Apisite|Apisite]] ([[User talk:Apisite|talk]]) 22:17, 19 September 2025 (UTC) : Locked globally. <span style="display:inline-block;text-align:center;vertical-align:bottom;line-height:0.5em;">~~<nowiki/>~~<br/><span style="font-size:0.7em;">[[User:1234qwer1234qwer4]] ([[User talk:1234qwer1234qwer4|talk]])</span></span> 22:46, 19 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 10:55 == * {{Vandal|MehedisStoryland}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 14:38 == * {{Vandal|Happypengirl}} looks like it could be vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 14:41, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-12, 17:53 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-57996-1}} https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Vandalism_in_progress&oldid=3806302#Block_evasion,_POV-pushing_white_supremacist {{ping|Antandrus}} {{ping|Graham87}} [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 18:10, 12 September 2025 (UTC) :Thanks. If an admin sees this, can someone give me at least Temporary account IP viewer rights, so I can still see the IP addresses of the user involved? [[User:Antandrus|Antandrus]], you should probably get yourself these rights, but you have to request them specifically, per the Wikimedia Foundation [[wmf:Policy:Wikimedia Access to Temporary Account IP Addresses Policy|Wikimedia Access to Temporary Account IP Addresses Policy]]. This goes for everyone here. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 18:55, 12 September 2025 (UTC) ::{{done}} I gave you six months, let me know if you need more, Graham. Thanks for all you do and have done. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 04:50, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{replyto|Koavf}} Thanks very much for the rights grant and the kind words. Could you please give them to me indefinitely? This user's been hanging around Wikiquote for at least five years (see [[User:Antandrus/sandbox]]) so I think I'd just be back here in another six months otherwise. Unless timed rights grants are more regular here or something. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 04:59, 15 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 05:04, 15 September 2025 (UTC) :::{{ping|Antandrus}} {{ping|Graham87}} can you check if [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Special:Contributions/~2025-64984-0 this ] is the same user ? --[[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 11:02, 21 September 2025 (UTC) ::::{{replyto|ᘙ}} Thanks for the note. Don't think so. The IP doesn't match at all and the MO is a bit different. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 11:56, 21 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 20:45 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-67389-4}} Looks like a sock puppet of banned user Defrenzel9. - [[User:FilmandTVFan28|FilmandTVFan28]] ([[User talk:FilmandTVFan28|talk]]) 21:30, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-20, 22:35 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-52999-8}} Creating tons of test pages, please nuke and block. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:01, 20 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-21, 11:56 == * {{Vandal|ShantaHowladar}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Mahichowdhury20]], Recreated [[Atikur Rahman Mahi]] ([[:w:Atikur Rahman Mahi]], [[:w:simple:Atikur Rahman Mahi]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 21 September 2025 (UTC) :Globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 21 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-22, 13:26 == * {{Vandal|~2025-68209-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:46, 22 September 2025 (UTC) :* {{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 13:54, 22 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-22, 23:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-69132-7}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Rayhanltd]], please see [[Riptech]] (founded by [[:w:simple:Sheikh Rayhan]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:56, 22 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by Lemonaka. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:15, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 01:59 == * {{Vandal|Jibikapexus}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:00, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:20, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 02:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26235-63}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:48, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:20, 25 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-25, 19:58 == * {{Vandal|Norbir2007}} Already blocked, but has spam requiring deletion at [[User talk:Norbir2007]]. Edit filters prevent me from blanking the page. [[User:Rsjaffe|Rsjaffe]] ([[User talk:Rsjaffe|talk]]) 20:24, 25 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:07, 25 September 2025 (UTC) — page deleted. == New report 2025-09-26, 11:14 == * {{Vandal|EsunFiber}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:09, 26 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-26, 23:42 == * {{Vandal|~2025-63481-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:43, 26 September 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:20, 27 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 13:22 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26549-07}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:27, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 14:07, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 22:58 == * {{Vandal|Purnikushi}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:58, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:38, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 22:58 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27085-60}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:00, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:38, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-29, 23:17 == * {{Vandal|Sunrise vs Moonrise, I'm Not Sunrise, I'm Moonrise}} Vandalism. --[[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 23:23, 29 September 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:28, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 04:25 == * {{Vandal|Nice Blessings}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:25, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 04:25 == * {{Vandal|~2025-26900-10}} Cross-wiki issues. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:26, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 07:45 == * {{Vandal|88ipgcom1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:45, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-1, 07:45 == * {{Vandal|Napaextra376}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:47, 1 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:57, 1 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-09-27, 15:10 == * {{Vandal|Allthedays}} Blatantly bypassing the block placed on [[Shining Time Station]] and [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Shining%20Time%20Station&diff=prev&oldid=3781520 inexplicably removing content] (though I suspect that the user is yet another sockpuppet of repeat vandal Fourlaxers, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User%20talk:DawgDeputy&diff=prev&oldid=2229277 as he considers Schemer calling his mother "Mommy" childish] (every quote he removed, has even the smallest hint of Schemer referencing his mother), despite the fact that that is how the show was made and he cannot do anything about it). I request that he be blocked indefinitely with account creation permanently disabled, and a stronger and longer block be placed on the article. [[User:DawgDeputy|DawgDeputy]] ([[User talk:DawgDeputy|talk]]) 15:19, 27 September 2025 (UTC) : Declined, Vandalism already stooped. If they start edits again, feel free to re-report. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:12, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-2, 00:02 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27393-88}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:03, 2 October 2025 (UTC) : Indeffed after talk page abuse. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:11, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-3, 12:24 == * {{Vandal|Rehmanmahidu}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:24, 3 October 2025 (UTC) : Blocked and delete -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 03:09, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-4, 12:39 == * {{Vandal|Aroon596}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:40, 4 October 2025 (UTC) : Blocked and delete. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 15:05, 4 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-6 18:13 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27890-11}} Creating vandalism pages. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:14, 6 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-7, 03:28 == * {{Vandal|Nehal Khan Jit}} * {{Vandal|Nehal Khan Jit Chemist}} crosswiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:29, 7 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:09, 7 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-9, 16:57 == * {{Vandal|Huynhthiminhngoc99 are amazingsssss}} Long-term abuse. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 16:57, 9 October 2025 (UTC) :(non-admin comment) Now globally locked. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 17:07, 9 October 2025 (UTC) ::Blocked here as well now. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:34, 9 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-9, 23:20 == * {{Vandal|Misrut fridew}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/गुंडा]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:22, 9 October 2025 (UTC) : already locked. -[[user:Lemonaka|‎<span style="color:blue; text-shadow:jet 0 0.2em 0.2em; font-family:Segoe Print; font-size: 13px">'''Lemonaka'''‎</span>]] 07:30, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-10, 13:01 == * {{Vandal|2025-28348-18}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/SheSaidCampaign]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:25, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-10, 13:02 == * {{Vandal|Abidbanga}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:03, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-11, 12:35 == * {{Vandal|RalfP.Carreon78}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:35, 11 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — globally blocked by someone else. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:32, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-12, 13:23 == * {{Vandal|Esimoio}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:23, 12 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 13:33, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-13, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Palhsn}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]], contribution on [[Mai Vu Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:37, 13 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 12:38, 13 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-13, 19:06 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-28703-67}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 19:07, 13 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:40, 13 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-14, 11:48 == * {{Vandal|Adeosun 007}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 14 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:44, 14 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-14, 23:05 == * {{Vandal|Escort Girls In Uae}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:33, 14 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:36, 14 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-15, 14:16 == * {{Vandal|Sri isoftwarez}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:17, 15 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by another admin. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 23:29, 15 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 00:15 == * {{Vandal|Xewz}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Would_build]], [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]], [[Abdelnasser Abdelfattah]], [[Special:Diff/3823644]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 00:16, 18 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Victoria1265}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:49, 18 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-18, 12:49 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29255-18}} Vandalism. [[User:Leonidlednev|Leonidlednev]] ([[User talk:Leonidlednev|talk]]) 19:00, 18 October 2025 (UTC) :Note: [[Special:Contributions/~2025-29159-51|~2025-29159-51]] is the same person as this [[User:Thegoofhere|Thegoofhere]] ([[User talk:Thegoofhere|talk]]) 00:17, 19 October 2025 (UTC) ::{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:17, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:54 == * {{Vandal|Ahealthydivorce}} * {{Vandal|Beyondarchitects7}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:55, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:59, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:55 == * {{Vandal|Alexdon10}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:58, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:00, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 11:58 == * {{Vandal|Goodhiredomestichelperinsingap}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:53, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 12:53 == * {{Vandal|Doublegcontractingpainting}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:56, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-19, 12:56 == * {{Vandal|Goodhiredomestichelper}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:24, 19 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:01, 19 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-20, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|Dacknight01}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:40, 20 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by someone else it seems. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:24, 20 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-20, 11:40 == * {{Vandal|KaiakSa}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]] ([[Special:Contributions/Palhsn]], blocked by {{u|Koavf}}), contribution on [[Mai Vũ Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:44, 20 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:32, 20 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-21, 11:52 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29574-83}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Mate Sam99/Archive]] ([[Special:Contributions/Palhsn]], blocked by {{u|Koavf}}), contribution on [[Mai Vũ Minh]] ([[:w:Mai Vu Minh]], [[:w:simple:Mai Vu Minh]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:28, 21 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 16:59, 21 October 2025 (UTC) ::The page has been deleted. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:02, 21 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-23, 11:23 == * {{Vandal|Betjp88}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:08, 23 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|AmeriSurgical}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} blocked by another admin. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29918-98}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:40, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-24, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|~2025-29926-75}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:41, 24 October 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 15:26, 24 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-25, 11:17 == * {{Vandal|Bel BZGIGI}} Basic spam on two newly created talk pages (and on [[:meta:Talk:Wikiquote/fr]]). [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 11:22, 25 October 2025 (UTC) :Now vandalizing the subject namespace too at [[Destiné doukaga]]. [[User:Lucas Werkmeister|Lucas Werkmeister]] ([[User talk:Lucas Werkmeister|talk]]) 13:54, 25 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-26, 05:41 == * {{Vandal|VedankTamrakar}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:42, 26 October 2025 (UTC) :globally locked [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:42, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-26, 18:55 == * {{IPvandal|2601:5C7:4100:3600:ADDC:867A:249D:753B/64}} Extensive vandalism since earlier this month. [[User:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh]] ([[User talk:NguoiDungKhongDinhDanh|talk]]) 19:55, 26 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for one month. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:48, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-27, 22:31 == * {{Vandal|Freeshops}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:08, 27 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-30, 08:39 == * {{Vandal|NyamericanJacket1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:40, 30 October 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:55, 30 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-10-30, 22:56 == * {{Vandal|Muzammal Shahzad}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:56, 30 October 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-1, 08:35 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-30266-26}} Vandalism. [[User:ᘙ|ᘙ]] ([[User talk:ᘙ|talk]]) 08:36, 1 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-5, 11:26 == * {{Vandal|Charlotte Millerr}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:19, 5 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:21, 5 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 07:36 == * {{Vandal|Kitoinfocoms}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:36, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:02, 7 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 12:14 == * {{Vandal|Yanok7}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:34, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} by UDScott. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:32, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-7, 22:34 == * {{Vandal|Hasan061}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:17, 7 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:31, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-8, 06:57 == * {{IPvandal|~2025-31580-72}} * {{IPvandal|~2025-31052-57}} * {{IPvandal|~2025-31358-44}} I believe the following unregistered editors are all tied to the same end user. Whatever the case may be, these three are shown to consistently disruptively edit the [[Looney Tunes: Back in Action]] page to a version generally accepted to contain misleading content. There is an ongoing edit war over this issue.[[User:729MT|729MT]] ([[User talk:729MT|talk]]) 07:27, 8 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:15, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-8, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|Nutribray}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:17, 8 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-11, 12:20 == * {{Vandal|Md Tahamid Badhon}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:25, 11 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:52, 11 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 12:40 == * {{Vandal|Dwakm}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|Braden nekton 9}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:31, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 13:31 == * {{Vandal|SweepyMaids}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:54, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 14:27 == * {{Vandal|~2025-32990-85}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:52, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-12, 18:35 == * {{Vandal|2600:1005:B152:F260:5428:B3D5:CD09:6252}} Classic vandalism. [[User:Left page|Left page]] ([[User talk:Left page|talk]]) 18:35, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 05:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-32982-32}} spam, [[Special:CentralAuth/Braden_nekton_9]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:01, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 08:21 == * {{Vandal|Usacarwash}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:04, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-14, 12:12 == * {{Vandal|Americanplumbing}} Spam, [[Special:Contributions/Americanplumbingservice]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:13, 14 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-13, 09:04 == * {{Vandal|MortleyT1}} [[:w:WP:NOTWEBHOST]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:10, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:28, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-14, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-33528-17}} Vandalism, removed CSD tag, [[Special:Contributions/GMK7]] (Recreated [[Temperance Fitzgerald]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:18, 14 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:33, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 3:46 == * {{Vandal|~2025-33593-32}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 03:47, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:35, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Mmusolan11}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:38, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:37, 15 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-15, 15:39 == * {{Vandal|LastHappyhippo}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 15:39, 17 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 13:15 == * {{Vandal|Proowrx}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:19, 19 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-34951-18}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:11, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:22, 19 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-19, 22:55 == * {{Vandal|~2025-34935-01}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 23:21, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:48, 20 November 2025 (UTC) — account blocked for one year, created pages deleted. == New report 2025-11-21, 12:27 == * {{Vandal|Kingasterisk technologies}} Spam-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-21, 13:09 == * {{Vandal|GaniGashi11}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_piktori]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_piktor]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_13]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Gani_Gashi_1944]]. Please see: [[:w:en:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Gani Gashi piktor]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:44, 21 November 2025 (UTC) :Subject: Strong Objection to Deletion – Gani Gashi Wikiquote Page :Dear editors, :I am writing to formally object to the proposed deletion of the Wikiquote entry for Gani Gashi, as the page clearly meets the core inclusion standards and contains verifiable, encyclopedic, and culturally relevant material. :1. Notability and Encyclopedic Value :Gani Gashi is a recognized contemporary painter whose work has been exhibited, published, and cited in multiple independent sources. His artistic contributions, style, and public presence are documented through reliable coverage in media, exhibitions, catalogues, and scholarly discussions. This satisfies Wikiquote’s and Wikipedia’s general notability guidelines. :2. Published, Verifiable Quotations :The quotations included on the page are: :Published :Verifiable :Directly attributed :Relevant to his artistic philosophy and public contributions :This aligns precisely with Wikiquote’s purpose: to archive significant quotations from notable individuals whose work impacts culture, art, and public discourse. :3. Cultural and Artistic Significance :It is important to recognize that not all volunteers are familiar with regional art history or Balkan contemporary art. However, lack of personal familiarity with an artist cannot serve as grounds for deletion when reliable sources, verifiable quotations, and clear notability exist. Cultural representation on Wikiquote must remain broad and inclusive, not limited only to globally mainstream figures. :4. No Policy-Based Reason for Deletion :After reviewing the deletion rationale, I find: :No concrete policy violation :No issue with verifiability :No issue with sourcing :No copyright concern :No demonstration that the subject is non-notable :A deletion without a policy-based justification would go against Wikiquote’s mission of preserving notable cultural contributions. :5. Request for Fair Review :I respectfully request: :A policy-based explanation if deletion continues to be considered :A fair and neutral review of the sources and quotations :That the page remain available, as it demonstrably meets inclusion criteria :Unless clear and specific violations are identified, there is no valid reason under Wikiquote policy for the page to be deleted. :Thank you for your time, neutrality, and commitment to maintaining a diverse and representative project. :Kind regards, :Sadete [[User:GaniGashi11|GaniGashi11]] ([[User talk:GaniGashi11|talk]]) 14:00, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-21, 14:42 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35203-22}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:54, 21 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} - blocked temporarily, but will keep an eye out for further issues. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:46, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-22, 12:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35534-39}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:26, 22 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and created pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 19:40, 22 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-22, 21:33 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35574-75}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:33, 22 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 21:51, 22 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-23, 11:43 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35324-70}} Vandalism-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:43, 23 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:04, 23 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-23, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35620-26}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:59, 23 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:04, 23 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-24, 05:10 == * {{Vandal|ScoreProTips2025}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:55, 24 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:16, 24 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-24, 12:17 == * {{Vandal|Tsconect}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:06, 24 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-27, 08:58 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36599-65}} Vandalism. [[User:MasashiInoue|MasashiInoue]] ([[User talk:MasashiInoue|talk]]) 09:01, 27 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28, 13:15 == * {{Vandal|VaughnAWamsley}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:19, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28 14:00 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36976-34}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 13:59, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-28 23:34 == * {{Vandal|~2025-37162-45}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:34, 28 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-11-29, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|Bravobuilt35}} * {{Vandal|68658ghgg}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:55, 29 November 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-1, 12:52 == * {{Vandal|Thapegador}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:13, 1 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:08, 1 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-2, 14:15 == * {{Vandal|~2025-38000-68}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 14:14, 2 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:07, 2 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-2, 23:46 == * {{Vandal|~2025-35880-43}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:46, 2 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 2 weeks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:23, 3 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-4, 12:38 == * {{Vandal|LinaHayes25}} * {{Vandal|Junohayes}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 4 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-5, 13:03 == * {{Vandal|Matildasmit}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:04, 5 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:23, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-5, 13:04 == * {{Vandal|Beautifulmindhealth}} Spam/advertising-only account. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:05, 5 December 2025 (UTC) : '''Non-admin comment''': blocked indefinitely by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 18:22, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-6, 09:31 == * {{Vandal|Maiqueiizz}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:44, 6 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:25, 6 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-7, 03:11 == * {{Vandal|~2025-36599-65}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 03:12, 7 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:40, 7 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-7, 19:30 == * {{Vandal|~2025-39184-02}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 19:30, 7 December 2025 (UTC) :Blocked indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 20:19, 7 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-8, 00:03 == * {{Vandal|M7 better, Hiyuune bad}} LTA. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:04, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:13, 8 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-8, 00:04 == * {{Vandal|~2025-39065-25}} Vandalism. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:05, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:14, 8 December 2025 (UTC) ::{{replyto|Kalki}} Thanks very much for dealing with that vandalism. Could you (or any other admin who sees this) please block the underlying IP (which you can see as an admin and I can see as a temporary account IP viewer)? The underlying IP has several temporary accounts associated with it and has been blocked previously before the introduction of temporary accounts. Thanks! [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 04:35, 8 December 2025 (UTC) :::{{Done|Blocked}} for 3 months. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:19, 8 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 03:45 == * {{Vandal|Johnteyeministry}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:43, 14 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} — blocked and spam pages deleted. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 06:06, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 16:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40578-15}} Repeatedly inserted nonsense at [[The Simpsons]]. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 16:55, 14 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 2 weeks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:09, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 12:18 == * {{Vandal|~2025-27022-09}} vandalism, e.g. at [[Frozen (2013 film)]] or [[SpongeBob SquarePants/Season 4]] [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 12:38, 15 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:07, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 20:09 == * {{Vandal|Higashizakura vs Ternera, Ternera Best}} LTA 404. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:09, 15 December 2025 (UTC) : Globally locked by Bsadowski1. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 20:15, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-16, 12:45 == * {{Vandal|Supertech123}} Cross-wiki link spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:46, 16 December 2025 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:35, 17 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18, 11:16 == * {{Vandal|~2025-41607-99}} Vandalism. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 12:02, 18 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:54, 18 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18, 12:02 == * {{Vandal|Trends87}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:54, 18 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:55, 18 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-18 17:32 == * {{Vandal|Mosdaliodf}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:31, 18 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:15, 19 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-19, 13:06 == * {{Vandal|Pirazhppouyaa}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:06, 19 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 16:16, 19 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-14, 16:54 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40578-15}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:54, 14 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} by Saroj. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:13, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-15, 20:04 == * {{Vandal|~2025-40913-54}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:04, 15 December 2025 (UTC) : This is stale, please re-report if they continue vandalizing. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:13, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-19, 13:06 == * {{Vandal|HitoryCloud}} spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:11, 19 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done|Page deleted}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:12, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-20, 23:10 == * {{Vandal|~2025-41906-72}} Talk page nonsense. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:10, 20 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:12, 20 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-24, 12:57 == * {{Vandal|0prestogroup}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:57, 24 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:40, 24 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-24, 12:57 == * {{Vandal|0sipconinstrument}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:01, 24 December 2025 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:40, 24 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-28, 10:48 == * {{Vandal|~2025-43194-97}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:12, 28 December 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} by global sysop. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:19, 28 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2025-12-29, 22:47 == * {{Vandal|~2025-43806-18}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:47, 29 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 23:34, 29 December 2025 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-1, 12:47 == * {{Vandal|Jeff32144}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:09, 1 January 2026 (UTC) : Blocked by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 21:28, 1 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-1, 13:09 == * {{Vandal|Jeck321}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:16, 1 January 2026 (UTC) : Blocked by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 21:29, 1 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-3, 08:35 == * {{Vandal|Stephen Ho 7}} Vandalism, [[Special:Log/Stephen_Ho_7]], [[Special:Contributions/~2026-17814]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:37, 3 January 2026 (UTC) :Blocked by Kalki. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:04, 4 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-4, 04:46 == * {{Vandal|TidesAreRisin}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/The_Doors_Jim_Morrison_Jr]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Jim_Morrison_II]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:48, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:07, 4 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-6, 22:31 == * {{Vandal|~2026-12186-1}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 22:32, 6 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:54, 6 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-7, 17:27 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14142-0}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:26, 7 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:51, 7 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-9, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Gylawetudenipl12}} Long-term abuse. Cross-wiki Spam. [[Special:CentralAuth/AmitMeena0000]], [[Special:Contributions/Babaf95832]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:01, 9 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:49, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-10, 21:54 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14254-3}} Every change they had made to WQ has been rolled back. They are all vandalism. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 22:10, 10 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-11, 02:38 == * {{Vandal|Bsndjfjsnskrty}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Amitmeena7777]], Recreated [[Aman Meena]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:36, 11 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:48, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-11, 05:49 == * {{Vandal|Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Amitmeena7777]], created [[Technical 01]] used by [[Aman Meena]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 06:38, 11 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:03, 11 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 01:02 == * {{Vandal|Tahbibmahmud}} Long-term abuse. [[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Bet365aminul]], Recreated [[Ariyan Mehedi]], [[:w:en:Ariyan Mehedi]], [[:w:simple:Ariyan Mehedi]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:38, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:41, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 07:31 == * {{Vandal|Hdapatna345}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:32, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:05, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 07:54 == * {{Vandal|Katerichards1607}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:54, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:04, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 08:05 == * {{Vandal|Ytgb5}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Laxmi_Narayan_Maharana]]. Created [[Laxmi Narayan Maharana]], [[:w:en:Laxmi Narayan Maharana]], [[:w:simple:Laxmi Narayan Maharana]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:43, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:08, 12 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-12, 21:47 == * {{Vandal|Moonschein07}} Clearly only here to vandalize and not to build. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 21:48, 12 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by global sysop SHB2000. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:13, 13 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-13, 17:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-27365-4}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 17:14, 13 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by Codename Noreste. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:36, 13 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-14, 20:47 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30429-2}} * {{Vandal|~2026-30143-3}} LTA. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:47, 14 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 21:25, 14 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-15, 12:56 == * {{Vandal|Vinkion}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Blirth]], [[Special:CentralAuth/AyanJohn]], [[Special:CentralAuth/SaifFullah]], Recreated [[Umar Jaum]], [[:w:en:Umar Jaum]], [[:w:simple:Umar Jaum]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:57, 15 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:05, 15 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-15, 13:05 == * {{Vandal|Zenithsttudyabroad}} spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:03, 15 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:57, 15 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-17, 03:39 == * {{Vandal|Sccdggvdvkkrjjerfbvdcd}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:52, 17 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:09, 17 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-17, 05:09 == * {{Vandal|~2026-35659-4}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 05:59, 17 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 06:46, 17 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-18, 11:12 == * {{Vandal|Btbthhwvefjgtktjheeh}} Spam, [[Special:Contributions/Sjjdiftjeuewwuwddd]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:13, 18 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:38, 18 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-18, 21:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-38539-8}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:03, 18 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done|Blocked}} by Tanbiruzzaman. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:37, 18 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-23, 12:50 == * {{Vandal|~2026-50327-5}} * {{Vandal|~2026-50881-1}} * {{Vandal|PbFwun}} Long-term abuse, created page [[Realjjfrosh]] ([[:w:en:Realjjfrosh]], [[:w:simple:Realjjfrosh]], [[:w:en:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Realjjfrosh]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:30, 23 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done|Page deleted}}. If any of these accounts attempt to create the page again, a block will be possible. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:23, 24 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-23, 23:45 == * {{Vandal|Deas-Fafa}} Vandalism; see the page history for [[KPop Demon Hunters]] and [[Family Guy]]. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:45, 23 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:20, 24 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-27, 12:45 == * {{Vandal|Leatherchapo1}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 27 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by Saroj. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:16, 27 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-27, 22:53 == * {{Vandal|~2026-54571-5}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:53, 28 January 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 23:59, 28 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-30, 13:56 == * [[Special:Redirect/logid/3644151]] [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:57, 30 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-30, 12:36 == * {{Vandal|Jontyx191}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:36, 30 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:57, 30 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-31, 11:45 == * {{Vandal|Constructxpert}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:45, 31 January 2026 (UTC) :Globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:25, 31 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-01-31, 11:45 == * {{Vandal|Planit5}} Cross-wiki spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:50, 31 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:27, 31 January 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-01, 21:46 == * {{Vandal|~2026-71678-9}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 21:46, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:34, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-1, 22:38 == * {{IPvandal|2026-71678-9}} Vandalism. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 23:02, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:35, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-01, 23:15 == * {{Vandal|ReggieRedPanda}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:15, 1 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by Kalki. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:44, 2 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-10, 00:33 == * {{Vandal|Splendasofficial}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 01:15, 10 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 01:53, 10 February 2026 (UTC) blocked, deleted spam. == New report 2026-02-11, 19:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-93068-5}} Vandalism by replacing words with emojis, continued after warning. [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color:#c56030;background:inherit;">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color:#64cea0;background:inherit">()</span>]] 19:04, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:08, 11 February 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] For inof: The \64 range block expired yesterday.I have blocked the range again. [[User:WikiBayer|WikiBayer]] ([[User talk:WikiBayer|talk]]) 19:11, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :::Thanks, WikiBayer. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 19:14, 11 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-13, 13:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-97201-6}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:22, 13 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} for 1 week. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:54, 13 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-14, 07:39 == * {{Vandal|Govariabletechai}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:39, 14 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:01, 14 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-15, 08:06 == * {{IPvandal|~2026-10157-68}} Vandalism, [[Special:Contributions/~2026-97201-6]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 08:36, 15 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely; /64 range also blocked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:00, 15 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-16, 16:27 == * {{Vandal|~2026-10523-70}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:27, 16 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 17:34, 16 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-17, 18:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-10693-96}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:03, 17 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:05, 17 February 2026 (UTC) ::Thanks for handling this. I've also blocked the IP for 3 months, as it was the same user reported above. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:12, 17 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:19 == * {{Vandal|Tanishalux}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:21, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:30, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:03 == * {{Vandal|Digitalitstore}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:03, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} (by someone else) - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:27, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-20, 14:03 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11450-48}} Vandalism, [[Special:Contributions/~2026-77860-7]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:19, 20 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} - deleted and blocked. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:27, 20 February 2026 (UTC) ::I went ahead and blocked the underlying /24 range. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:05, 20 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-22, 09:23 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11652-80}} Please block the underlying /64 IP range of this user for several months (it's a /64 so only one device will be on it). It's long-term abuse from our resident extreme right-wing vandal (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48: long-term abuse by antisemitic racist extreme right-wing vandal for six years]]). [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 10:26, 22 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:03, 22 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-22, 12:46 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11769-06}} * {{Vandal|HappyStephenUSA (Version 7)}} Vandalism, Recreated [[Five Point Clientele]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:33, 22 February 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:38, 22 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-23, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|~2026-11989-11}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:35, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:20, 23 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-23, 12:14 == * {{Vandal|Apoorvkohli}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:52, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 17:20, 23 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-24, 03:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-12130-66}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 03:21, 24 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:28, 24 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-26, 13:46 == * {{Vandal|Kiel Bednar}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:42, 26 February 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:44, 26 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-02-27, 02:07 == * {{Vandal|Sommers The Holy Knight}} Long-term abuse (Zjholder/Reversi). [[User:NX3710|NX3710]] ([[User talk:NX3710|talk]]) 02:15, 27 February 2026 (UTC) :Nevermind, user is globally locked now. [[User:NX3710|NX3710]] ([[User talk:NX3710|talk]]) 03:37, 27 February 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 12:50 == * {{Vandal|Eutechrecruit}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:20, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 13:20 == * {{Vandal|Sicsallc}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:21, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-2, 13:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-13367-78}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:23, 2 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:30, 2 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-3, 16:21 == * {{Vandal|~2026-13772-04}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 16:21, 3 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. User blocked and article protected for three months. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:38, 3 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-5, 13:16 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14175-37}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:20, 5 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:43, 5 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-5, 18:28 == * {{Vandal|Rsfsdfd}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:28, 5 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:58, 5 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-7, 06:54 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14650-58}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:22, 7 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:31, 7 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-9, 15:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-15017-41}} LTA. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 15:14, 9 March 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:24, 9 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-8, 08:39 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14739-24}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 09:01, 8 March 2026 (UTC) :Blocked globally by a steward. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 21:38, 10 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-13, 20:51 == * {{Vandal|~2026-16223-35}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 20:51, 13 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 01:32, 14 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-18, 12:07 == * {{Vandal|Michealikwi}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Realjjfrosh]]. Recreated [[Realjjfrosh]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:47, 18 March 2026 (UTC) :Already globally locked by Barras. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:54, 18 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-19, 11:28 == * {{Vandal|Akshaysharmaavs}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:28, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:31, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-19, 11:28 == * {{Vandal|IBlogFlare}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:30, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} by UDScott. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:32, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-20, 01:19 == * {{Vandal|Edwin Cole Lee ecll}} Long-term abuse, [[Special:Contributions/Edwin_ColeLee987654]]. Recreated [[Edwin Cole Lee]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:14, 20 March 2026 (UTC) :Account is globally locked. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:27, 20 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-21, 07:17 == * {{Vandal|AlMuqarramIndustry}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 07:18, 21 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:56, 21 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-23, 18:51 == * {{Vandal|韓英雄戴上蘋果手錶來攻打台灣}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 18:52, 23 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by GreenMeansGo. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:01, 23 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-26 == * {{Vandal|~2026-18366-74}} Epstein abuse. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 20:46, 26 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:24, 27 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-29, 12:33 == * {{Vandal|Hollandadvocaten01}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:33, 29 March 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 12:35, 29 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Ali raza 41306}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:38, 31 March 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:48, 31 March 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 12:48 == * {{Vandal|~2026-14588-11}} Temp address who has done some pretty suspecious edits: take [[Special:Diff/3906458|this]] edit on My Little Pony: Equestria Girls for one, with a scene that doesn't exist in the original (evident because of the swearing which isn't in the film proper). There's also [[Special:Diff/3922034|this]] edit on the Total Drama page featuring two deleted scenes which don't exist at all (and feature characters who AREN'T from Total Drama). [[Special:Diff/3472605|A similar edit]] was done a couple years back on the Total Drama Action page, featuring the same selection of characters (and whoever "1Smash18" is), so it's obvious this person is SoulEaterFan (some edit summaries insist that "SoulEaterFan doesn't exist", but evidence suggests otherwise. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 13:24, 31 March 2026 (UTC) : I blocked the underlying range. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 04:02, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-03-31, 13:24 == * {{Vandal|Petrowien}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:36, 31 March 2026 (UTC) : Page deleted by GreenMeansGo. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 04:00, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-6, 20:28 == * {{Vandal|~2026-21266-04}} A lot of vandalism especially on talk pages. --[[User:Ferien|Ferien]] <small>([[User talk:Ferien|talk]])</small> 21:03, 6 April 2026 (UTC) : I've blocked them from the article and talk namespaces for a month. If needed, it can be expanded to a site-wide block. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 23:41, 6 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-13, 00:14 == * {{Vandal|~2026-21744-59}} IP address showing similar behavior to Evilasio da Paz (SoulEaterFan). Targeted two separate My Little Pony pages; [[Special:Diff/3927068|one such edit]] restored a number of quotes commonly added by SEF; [[Special:Diff/3926975|the other edit]] also added quotes commonly added by SEF. It also [[User talk:MilkyZap|accused a completely unrelated user of being SoulEaterFan]] even though the user it accused was only reverting the edit done by SoulEaterFan. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 00:19, 13 April 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:41, 13 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-13, 02:32 == * {{Vandal|MilkyZap}} Sockpuppet of Evilasio da Paz/SoulEaterFan; confirmed through [[Special:Diff/3927612|this edit]] on the page documenting various socks and [[Special:Diff/3927604|this edit]] where it removed my report on ANOTHER SEF sock. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 02:34, 13 April 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 02:38, 13 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-6, 03:30 == * {{Vandal|~2026-20174-32}} Please block the underlying IP of this user for several months (there shouldn't be too much collateral damage from blocking that one IP, but there's a rangeblock on it on the English Wikipedia). It's long-term abuse from our resident extreme right-wing vandal (see [[Wikiquote:Administrators' noticeboard/Archive/041#2001:8003:DC14::/48: long-term abuse by antisemitic racist extreme right-wing vandal for six years]]). Thanks. [[User:Graham87|Graham87]] ([[User talk:Graham87|talk]]) 03:48, 6 April 2026 (UTC) : I blocked the underlying range. If you need me to adjust the block or the range, email me. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 03:59, 6 April 2026 (UTC) :: CC @[[User:Graham87|Graham87]] to my response above. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:56, 16 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 12:41 == * {{Vandal|Adetoro muiz4}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:42, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:09, 24 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 12:54 == * {{Vandal|Toni Tagiam}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:02, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done|Globally locked}} by MarcGarver until 2027-04-24. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:01, 24 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-04-24, 15:11 == * {{Vandal|Owolabi Habeeb ola}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 15:18, 24 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:44, 26 April 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-6, 12:31 == * {{Vandal|Sdfclothing}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 13:29, 6 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}, and their only article creation was speedily deleted. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:32, 7 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-11, 10:39 == * {{Vandal|Taskraja}} * {{Vandal|Marinas94}} * {{Vandal|Travelaa}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 10:39, 11 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:07, 11 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-12, 22:19 == * {{Vandal|Ragnir 29912}} Vandalism. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 22:19, 12 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:26, 12 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-9, 04:16 == * {{Vandal|Hammond Johns}} Userpage issues, removed CSD tag. [[w:WP:AB]] [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 04:17, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :Sorry, I wasn't trying to vandalise anything. I was just trying to fix the issues you raised. I'm new at this. I'll just leave it now & will accept any decision you make. [[User:Hammond Johns|Hammond Johns]] ([[User talk:Hammond Johns|talk]]) 05:19, 9 May 2026 (UTC) :{{notdone}} User has been warned. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:57, 14 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-17, 02:26 == * {{Vandal|Mozang555}} Long-term abuse. [[Special:CentralAuth/Jinnahpk]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Hipponz]]. Created page [[Akhter Aly Kureshy]] ([[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Akhtar Aly Kureshy]]) [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 02:30, 17 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:33, 17 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-19, 11:35 == * {{Vandal|Capitalskinspa25}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:27, 19 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}} by UDScott. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:50, 19 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-20, 14:06 == * {{Vandal|~2026-30337-22}} repeated vandalism, several temp accounts before on this article before already, so pls consider protecting the page. [[User:Icodense|Icodense]] ([[User talk:Icodense|talk]]) 14:07, 20 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:19, 20 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-22, 12:10 == * {{Vandal|Fav Jacket}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:43, 22 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:14, 22 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-25, 12:21 == * {{Vandal|Khandaker Ripon Bio}} * {{Vandal|Ahmed Ripon 26}} * {{Vandal|খন্দকার রিপন}} Spam & Abusing multiple accounts (Recreated [[Khandaker Ripon]]). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:23, 25 May 2026 (UTC) :{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 14:31, 25 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-29, 14:37 == * {{Vandal|Mpyfdh zsitrp}} Long-term abuse. [[:m:User:علاء/case2#Mohamed_AlAgha]] ([[Special:CentralAuth/Télévision_Française]], [[Special:CentralAuth/Would_build]]). Recreated [[Abdelnasser Abdelfattah]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:39, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:02, 29 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-29, 14:39 == * {{Vandal|Need Reqer}} Vandalism. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 14:40, 29 May 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:02, 29 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-05-30, 10:28 == * {{Vandal|Alive5Official}} [[Wikiquote:Username_policy#Inappropriate_usernames]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 11:08, 30 May 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:52, 30 May 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-2, 17:04 == * {{Vandal|~2026-32675-17}} Butchered the [[Spanish colonization of the Americas]] page, looks like vandalism. . [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 17:30, 2 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:28, 2 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-3, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|UNIX-QUANTUM-NETWORKS}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:37, 3 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:41, 3 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-3, 12:37 == * {{Vandal|Pathanbd69}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:39, 3 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}, and the recent page was deleted. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 12:44, 3 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-3, 12:44 == * {{Vandal|~2026-32979-36}} cross-wiki abuse ([[:w:Wikipedia:Sockpuppet investigations/Truthfindervert]], Edit summary similarity + same target ([[Jat people]], [[:w:simple:Jats]], [[:w:Jats]])). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:45, 3 June 2026 (UTC) : {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 17:48, 3 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-5, 12:47 == * {{Vandal|Profabdelfatah}} Removed CSD tag at [[DGStory]] (no quotes), [[:w:WP:AB]] at [[Hussein Abdelfatah]]. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:49, 5 June 2026 (UTC) : Globally locked by Alaa. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:01, 5 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-6, 03:13 == * {{Vandal|Rap_Goddess0}} Sole page created is obviously promotional content. [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 03:19, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :My page is not promotional please you can check my articles on wikidata, simple English Wikipedia and Yoruba Wikipedia. Thank [[User:Rap Goddess0|Rap Goddess0]] ([[User talk:Rap Goddess0|talk]]) 03:22, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :My other links am notable please: :@[[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] [https://www.wikidata.org/wiki/Q137670288 My wikidata page] [[User:Rap Goddess0|Rap Goddess0]] ([[User talk:Rap Goddess0|talk]]) 03:23, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :I would also like to point out that every time I add the speedy delete notice, it gets removed and this person sends strange messages on my talk page (one of them suggests I get a job). [[User:03isrflo62410|03isrflo62410]] ([[User talk:03isrflo62410|talk]]) 04:09, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 04:21, 6 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-6, 12:51 == * {{Vandal|Northex Industries}} Spam. [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 12:51, 6 June 2026 (UTC) :{{Done|Blocked}} indefinitely. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 13:26, 6 June 2026 (UTC) == New report 2026-06-8, 03:18 == * {{Vandal|Mehsi-tourism}} * {{Vandal|~2026-33757-37}} Abusing multiple accounts & removed CSD tag at [[Mirza Halim Shah Dargah]] (no quotes). [[User:MathXplore|MathXplore]] ([[User talk:MathXplore|talk]]) 03:32, 8 June 2026 (UTC) :{{done}} ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 03:53, 8 June 2026 (UTC) dbw46eeyv48ewubgfbkkk6bfroukm41 0 288137 3954355 3806614 2026-06-19T06:09:16Z ~2026-35620-70 3343545 /* Quotes */ 3954355 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Invajy|Invajy]]''' is a self-improvement writer, personal development blogger, and motivational content creator. He is known for publishing inspirational quotes, articles on mindfulness, emotional intelligence, and mental health through his website and other platforms. {{people-stub}} == Quotes == <!-- sorted chronologically if dates known --> *“Life is difficult because… we don’t appreciate the things that come easily.” *“Life teaches you a new lesson every day, if you are attentive enough in the class of life.” * "If your voice is high, only a few people will hear. If your thought is high, then thousands of people will listen to you." ** Source: [https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/10644464 Goodreads] ** Often cited on motivational blogs and quote websites. * "Life is all about grabbing opportunities that come your way." ** Source: [https://www.invajy.com/ Invajy.com] ** Encouraging readers to stay alert and proactive. * "Meditation is the best way to overcome your inner negativity and reprogram your mind." ** Source: [https://www.invajy.com/benefits-of-meditation/ Invajy.com - Benefits of Meditation] ** Context: From an article on mental health and well-being. * "Success is not the absence of failure; it's the persistence through failure." ** Source: [https://www.invajy.com/motivational-quotes/ Invajy.com - Motivational Quotes Collection] ** A common theme in personal development. === Quotes from specific works === ''[[Invajy.com Articles]]'' ([https://www.invajy.com/ Invajy Official Website]) == Quotes about Invajy == <!-- sorted alphabetically by author --> * "Invajy's content has been reshaping lives with simple yet powerful life lessons." – *Positive Psychology Weekly* == External links == {{Wikipedia|Invajy}} [https://www.invajy.com Official Website] [https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/21346042.Invajy Goodreads Author Page] {{DEFAULTSORT:Invajy}} [[Category:Writers]] [[Category:Motivational speakers]] [[Category:Indian writers]] [[Category:Living people]] 8xuk4ch7hb5z8ehy2tidfk5xd0u1g5r 0 288175 3954211 3877292 2026-06-18T17:19:56Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from England]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from England]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954211 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Hypatia Bradlaugh Bonner 1.jpg|thumb|Hypatia Bradlaugh Bonner]] '''[[w:Hypatia Bradlaugh Bonner|Hypatia Bradlaugh Bonner]]''' (31 March 1858 – 25 August 1935) was a British [[pacifism|peace activist]], author, atheist and [[Freethought|freethinker]], and the daughter of [[Charles Bradlaugh]]. {{activist-stub}} == Quotes == * Where this terrible dogma does not embitter happiness, it corrupts character. Where people believe with a realized belief, their whole lives must be overshadowed with its stupendous horror; where they only pretend to believe, the extent of their hypocrisy can be measured only by their pretence. ** [https://archive.org/details/christianhellfro00bonniala ''The Christian Hell: From the First to the Twentieth Century'' (1913)] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{wikisource author}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Bradlaugh Bonner, Hypatia}} [[Category:1858 births]] [[Category:People from London]] [[Category:Atheists from England]] [[Category:1935 deaths]] [[Category:Pacifists]] [[Category:Women activists from England]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from England]] [[Category:Biographers from England]] [[Category:Women authors from England]] [[Category:Criticism of Christianity]] [[Category:Women born in the 19th century]] mfhwddwxuo30au1fszv2wxe6ua301rq 0 289779 3954204 3899111 2026-06-18T17:15:41Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Tunisia]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954204 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} [[File:Bochra Belhaj Hmida 2025 Portrait.jpg|thumb|Bochra Belhaj Hmida]] '''Bochra Belhaj Hmida''' ([[Arabic]]: بشرى بلحاج حميدة), is a Tunisian lawyer, politician and activist from [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaghouan Zaghouan] == Quotes == * In the morning, I start with the gardening. And I've discovered I still know how to crochet * It's not very feminist of me but I've realised it's a pleasure and not an obligation. Today men are sewing and cooking, we can't have complexes about these things. If it's done for pleasure, it's a luxury * The question is whether this will continue and become normal or whether it is just temporary ** [https://www.pulse.ng/articles/news/world/a-world-redrawn-re-think-gender-roles-says-tunisian-feminist-bochra-belhaj-hmida-2024081706565912627 A World Redrawn: Re-think gender roles, says Tunisian feminist Bochra Belhaj Hmida],17 August 2024,by Segun Adeyemi * Men already had an issue with women accessing the public space, but now they are forced to remain in a space typically reserved for women, many men are struggling to accept it * I am shocked that in Tunisia or elsewhere, violence against women would be an issue to be relegated to the minister of women * We lack the collective will to redefine the family and review our priorities * Citizens must take charge ** [https://www.pulse.ng/articles/news/world/a-world-redrawn-re-think-gender-roles-says-tunisian-feminist-bochra-belhaj-hmida-2024081706565912627 A World Redrawn: Re-think gender roles, says Tunisian feminist Bochra Belhaj Hmida],17 August 2024,by Segun Adeyemi * I have experienced harassment, smear campaigns, defamation, death threats and calls for my assassination * We didn't see a drastic shift in public opinion on women's rights, prior to this appointment * allowed people to say: 'Guess what, women can be just as effective as political leaders as their male counterparts * There has been absolutely no addition in terms of rights secured for women ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-62053997.amp Women in Tunisia: Has a female prime minister changed Tunisia?,]12 July 2022,by BBC News == External links == {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Lawyers from Tunisia]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Women politicians in Tunisia]] [[Category:Women activists from Tunisia]] p7x1bnm6phu0rz34m1re8fw6cnyrvpt 3954205 3954204 2026-06-18T17:16:10Z UDScott 4304 /* External links */ 3954205 wikitext text/x-wiki {{people-cleanup}} [[File:Bochra Belhaj Hmida 2025 Portrait.jpg|thumb|Bochra Belhaj Hmida]] '''Bochra Belhaj Hmida''' ([[Arabic]]: بشرى بلحاج حميدة), is a Tunisian lawyer, politician and activist from [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zaghouan Zaghouan] == Quotes == * In the morning, I start with the gardening. And I've discovered I still know how to crochet * It's not very feminist of me but I've realised it's a pleasure and not an obligation. Today men are sewing and cooking, we can't have complexes about these things. If it's done for pleasure, it's a luxury * The question is whether this will continue and become normal or whether it is just temporary ** [https://www.pulse.ng/articles/news/world/a-world-redrawn-re-think-gender-roles-says-tunisian-feminist-bochra-belhaj-hmida-2024081706565912627 A World Redrawn: Re-think gender roles, says Tunisian feminist Bochra Belhaj Hmida],17 August 2024,by Segun Adeyemi * Men already had an issue with women accessing the public space, but now they are forced to remain in a space typically reserved for women, many men are struggling to accept it * I am shocked that in Tunisia or elsewhere, violence against women would be an issue to be relegated to the minister of women * We lack the collective will to redefine the family and review our priorities * Citizens must take charge ** [https://www.pulse.ng/articles/news/world/a-world-redrawn-re-think-gender-roles-says-tunisian-feminist-bochra-belhaj-hmida-2024081706565912627 A World Redrawn: Re-think gender roles, says Tunisian feminist Bochra Belhaj Hmida],17 August 2024,by Segun Adeyemi * I have experienced harassment, smear campaigns, defamation, death threats and calls for my assassination * We didn't see a drastic shift in public opinion on women's rights, prior to this appointment * allowed people to say: 'Guess what, women can be just as effective as political leaders as their male counterparts * There has been absolutely no addition in terms of rights secured for women ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-62053997.amp Women in Tunisia: Has a female prime minister changed Tunisia?,]12 July 2022,by BBC News == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Hmida, Bochra Belhaj}} [[Category:Lawyers from Tunisia]] [[Category:Feminists]] [[Category:Women politicians in Tunisia]] [[Category:Women activists from Tunisia]] 0ph2ladh3g5yxxpzw1qd3vv0all1v8x 0 291520 3954278 3754655 2026-06-18T20:49:03Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 Blanked the page 3954278 wikitext text/x-wiki phoiac9h4m842xq45sp7s6u21eteeq1 0 295282 3954250 3830429 2026-06-18T19:13:52Z ~2026-35632-18 3343423 /* Quotes about Wedgies */ 3954250 wikitext text/x-wiki A [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedgie wedgie] is a [[practical joke]] or form of [[bullying]] consisting of grabbing a victim’s underpants by the waistband and yanking upward to wedge said underpants in the person’s buttocks. (It can also refer to a wardrobe malfunction wherein one’s underwear is naturally wedged in someone’s buttocks.) == Quotes about Wedgies == • “getting [[Bullying|body slammed into a locker]] hurt, but I could handle it. More dangerous were the wedgies. If [[memory]] serves, a wedgie involved ripping another [[Boy|boys]]’s underwear out of his pants by grabbing the rear waistband of his underwear and yanking upward. The offense typically involved two assailants and I endured many in [[High school|the ninth grade]].” [[James Comey]] as quoted in his book A Higher Loyalty: Truth Lies and Leadership, [https://x.com/MrJohnFlowers/status/986701342579322880/photo/1] •“A boy sneaks behind another boy and tugs his underwear. In [[New England]], this is giving someone a wedgie. The term wedgie is unknown in [[Minnesota]] where the identical act is a snuggie.” The Midwestern Journal of Language and Folklore, 1980 • “I had never heard any stories of similar carryings-on anywhere else in the [[college]] in the 1980s. Something called the wedgie patrol was abroad in the late hours of the night on Harsbrouck First… At two or three in the morning, when most of the night owls on the floor had finally gone to [[sleep]], the marauders insinuated their way into the rooms of other males on the floor … New male students and unpopular ones were snatched from their beds, usually sleeping only in their underwear, and hoisted by the tops of their wares until the garments shredded… In vulgar male talk among the students of the 1980s, to bust someone’s balls was usually metaphoric… The wedgie as an action collapsed the [[Metaphors|metaphor]] making the phrase very literal indeed.” Michael Moffat, Coming of Age in New Jersey [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “The correct manly response to a wedgie attack, according to its perpetrators was to take it in good [[Humour|humor]]. The patrol had started the previous year, some of the sophomores said, when Harsbrouck Fourth had had lots of freshmen men on it. It had been initiated by a junior clique on the floor, guys all from the same [[New Jersey]] hometown who had stuck together for three years at Rutgers. They were still together in 1984. … Last year’s juniors had wedgied last year’s freshmen, and then each freshman victim had happily joined the patrol, its aficionados claimed.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] •“With millions of children scuttling back to the substandard [[School|schools]] we keep reading about, it’s reassuring to know the wedgie is alive and kicking.” Hank Stuever, At School A Most Uncomfortable Subject, 2002, [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “Somewhere out there, freshman boys are keeping the lowest possible profile to avoid senior [[American football|football]] players who seek to wedgie them or [[Bullying|worse]], and this is a good thing in that it’s a firsthand lesson in the human condition. Sometimes [[life]] stinks.” Ibid, [https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google] • “Summer camps are a finishing school for wedgie trainees, if all is right in the world almost no one should be able to return home with intact undamaged underwear.” Ibid, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/2002/09/02/at-school-a-most-uncomfortable-subject/77ab96a0-7849-4ba5-b44d-33d8c30fcfdf/] • “Some [[Nerd|geeks]], now fully grown, go to reunions loaded for bear. The wedgie-resentful seem to have missed the universal point of the wedgie, that it comes from a charitable place at least as much as a place of hatred and so they cannot be comforted.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “Eric Kassoway, 19, was reveling at a concert last year when he decided to sneak up on his [[Friendship|friend]], Daniel Strouss, and yank up his underwear. Apparently, it must have [[Pain|hurt]] because Strouss, 19, held a [[Revenge|grudge]] for months. So much so that on the night of June 12, he drove to Kassoway’s home and shot him in the arm and the leg. Kassoway nearly [[Death|died]] from loss of blood.” Jim Thorpe, Man Accused of Attempted Murder in Wedgie Case, 2002 [https://www.cnn.com/2002/LAW/08/30/ctv.stupid.crimes/] • “An [[Oklahoma]] man was sentenced late on Thursday to 30 years in [[prison]] for asphyxiating his stepfather with an atomic wedgie in December 2013.” Heide Brandes, Oklahoma Man Gets 30 Years in Prison for Fatal Atomic Wedgie, 2015 [https://www.reuters.com/article/world/us/oklahoma-man-gets-30-years-in-prison-for-fatal-atomic-wedgie-idUSKCN0PR1VV/]. • “The next [[stereotype]] that makes no sense to me would be all the ways [[Bullying|bullies]] torment their victims in media. Like let’s start off with the most iconic, the wedgie. I’m gonna keep it abuck, if you’re a dude and someone wedgies you, and you just take that and do [[Nothingness|nothing]] about it, maybe you deserve to get wedgied, bro. Like, if I ever have a [[son]] and he gets wedgied, I’m going to tell him he is obligated to start [[Fighting|throwing hands]] immediately. No matter how much bigger the kid is, you simply cannot take that. I personally never saw anyone get wedgied during my time in school and I think it’s because most guys know that if they try that on another dude, they’re not just gonna take that lying down like they’re some [[nerd]] in a [[Television|TV show]].” Raody, Bullying Stereotypes Make No Sense, 2025, [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7pbzc5nCcKc] == Quotes About Fictional Depictions of Wedgies == • “In the [[Cold War]] world, the wedgie was also a sure way to build up sympathy for the plucky screen heroes in comedies like 1984’s [[Revenge of the Nerds]] and in 1985’s [[Just One of the Guys]].” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] • “Screen wedgies declined over the next 20 years perhaps due to [[shame]] over their [[bullying]] origins or because high school [[Nerd|geeks]] began to rule the world.” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] == Quotes from Characters in Fiction About Wedgies == • “Well, [[Nerd|poindexter]], here’s a little [[physics]] lesson, undies plus [[gravity]] equal wedgie”. Said by Vicky in [[The Fairly OddParents]] episode Dream Goat, 2001, [https://fairlyoddparents.fandom.com/wiki/Dream_Goat!/Transcript] 0n2484ky07tfvm57ifjgw50ez2shd0o 3954251 3954250 2026-06-18T19:16:03Z ~2026-35632-18 3343423 /* Quotes about Wedgies */ 3954251 wikitext text/x-wiki A [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedgie wedgie] is a [[practical joke]] or form of [[bullying]] consisting of grabbing a victim’s underpants by the waistband and yanking upward to wedge said underpants in the person’s buttocks. (It can also refer to a wardrobe malfunction wherein one’s underwear is naturally wedged in someone’s buttocks.) == Quotes about Wedgies == • “getting [[Bullying|body slammed into a locker]] hurt, but I could handle it. More dangerous were the wedgies. If [[memory]] serves, a wedgie involved ripping another [[Boy|boys]]’s underwear out of his pants by grabbing the rear waistband of his underwear and yanking upward. The offense typically involved two assailants and I endured many in [[High school|the ninth grade]].” [[James Comey]] as quoted in his book A Higher Loyalty: Truth Lies and Leadership, [https://x.com/MrJohnFlowers/status/986701342579322880/photo/1] •“A boy sneaks behind another boy and tugs his underwear. In [[New England]], this is giving someone a wedgie. The term wedgie is unknown in [[Minnesota]] where the identical act is a snuggie.” The Midwestern Journal of Language and Folklore, 1980 • “I had never heard any stories of similar carryings-on anywhere else in the [[college]] in the 1980s. Something called the wedgie patrol was abroad in the late hours of the night on Harsbrouck First… At two or three in the morning, when most of the night owls on the floor had finally gone to [[sleep]], the marauders insinuated their way into the rooms of other males on the floor … New male students and unpopular ones were snatched from their beds, usually sleeping only in their underwear, and hoisted by the tops of their wares until the garments shredded… In vulgar male talk among the students of the 1980s, to bust someone’s balls was usually metaphoric… The wedgie as an action collapsed the [[Metaphors|metaphor]] making the phrase very literal indeed.” Michael Moffat, Coming of Age in New Jersey [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “The correct manly response to a wedgie attack, according to its perpetrators was to take it in good [[Humour|humor]]. The patrol had started the previous year, some of the sophomores said, when Harsbrouck Fourth had had lots of freshmen men on it. It had been initiated by a junior clique on the floor, guys all from the same [[New Jersey]] hometown who had stuck together for three years at Rutgers. They were still together in 1984. … Last year’s juniors had wedgied last year’s freshmen, and then each freshman victim had happily joined the patrol, its aficionados claimed.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] •“With millions of children scuttling back to the substandard [[School|schools]] we keep reading about, it’s reassuring to know the wedgie is alive and kicking.” Hank Stuever, At School A Most Uncomfortable Subject, 2002, [[https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google]] • “Somewhere out there, freshman boys are keeping the lowest possible profile to avoid senior [[American football|football]] players who seek to wedgie them or [[Bullying|worse]], and this is a good thing in that it’s a firsthand lesson in the human condition. Sometimes [[life]] stinks.” Ibid, [https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google] • “Summer camps are a finishing school for wedgie trainees, if all is right in the world almost no one should be able to return home with intact undamaged underwear.” Ibid, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/2002/09/02/at-school-a-most-uncomfortable-subject/77ab96a0-7849-4ba5-b44d-33d8c30fcfdf/] • “Some [[Nerd|geeks]], now fully grown, go to reunions loaded for bear. The wedgie-resentful seem to have missed the universal point of the wedgie, that it comes from a charitable place at least as much as a place of hatred and so they cannot be comforted.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “Eric Kassoway, 19, was reveling at a concert last year when he decided to sneak up on his [[Friendship|friend]], Daniel Strouss, and yank up his underwear. Apparently, it must have [[Pain|hurt]] because Strouss, 19, held a [[Revenge|grudge]] for months. So much so that on the night of June 12, he drove to Kassoway’s home and shot him in the arm and the leg. Kassoway nearly [[Death|died]] from loss of blood.” Jim Thorpe, Man Accused of Attempted Murder in Wedgie Case, 2002 [https://www.cnn.com/2002/LAW/08/30/ctv.stupid.crimes/] • “An [[Oklahoma]] man was sentenced late on Thursday to 30 years in [[prison]] for asphyxiating his stepfather with an atomic wedgie in December 2013.” Heide Brandes, Oklahoma Man Gets 30 Years in Prison for Fatal Atomic Wedgie, 2015 [https://www.reuters.com/article/world/us/oklahoma-man-gets-30-years-in-prison-for-fatal-atomic-wedgie-idUSKCN0PR1VV/]. • “The next [[stereotype]] that makes no sense to me would be all the ways [[Bullying|bullies]] torment their victims in media. Like let’s start off with the most iconic, the wedgie. I’m gonna keep it abuck, if you’re a dude and someone wedgies you, and you just take that and do [[Nothingness|nothing]] about it, maybe you deserve to get wedgied, bro. Like, if I ever have a [[son]] and he gets wedgied, I’m going to tell him he is obligated to start [[Fighting|throwing hands]] immediately. No matter how much bigger the kid is, you simply cannot take that. I personally never saw anyone get wedgied during my time in school and I think it’s because most guys know that if they try that on another dude, they’re not just gonna take that lying down like they’re some [[nerd]] in a [[Television|TV show]].” Raody, Bullying Stereotypes Make No Sense, 2025, [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7pbzc5nCcKc] == Quotes About Fictional Depictions of Wedgies == • “In the [[Cold War]] world, the wedgie was also a sure way to build up sympathy for the plucky screen heroes in comedies like 1984’s [[Revenge of the Nerds]] and in 1985’s [[Just One of the Guys]].” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] • “Screen wedgies declined over the next 20 years perhaps due to [[shame]] over their [[bullying]] origins or because high school [[Nerd|geeks]] began to rule the world.” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] == Quotes from Characters in Fiction About Wedgies == • “Well, [[Nerd|poindexter]], here’s a little [[physics]] lesson, undies plus [[gravity]] equal wedgie”. Said by Vicky in [[The Fairly OddParents]] episode Dream Goat, 2001, [https://fairlyoddparents.fandom.com/wiki/Dream_Goat!/Transcript] l00m6codpzfszzsekhw4gw3e8biawag 3954253 3954251 2026-06-18T19:20:07Z ~2026-35632-18 3343423 /* Quotes about Wedgies */ 3954253 wikitext text/x-wiki A [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedgie wedgie] is a [[practical joke]] or form of [[bullying]] consisting of grabbing a victim’s underpants by the waistband and yanking upward to wedge said underpants in the person’s buttocks. (It can also refer to a wardrobe malfunction wherein one’s underwear is naturally wedged in someone’s buttocks.) == Quotes about Wedgies == • “getting [[Bullying|body slammed into a locker]] hurt, but I could handle it. More dangerous were the wedgies. If [[memory]] serves, a wedgie involved ripping another [[Boy|boys]]’s underwear out of his pants by grabbing the rear waistband of his [[w:underwear|underwear]] and yanking upward. The offense typically involved two assailants and I endured many in [[High school|the ninth grade]].” [[James Comey]] as quoted in his book A Higher Loyalty: Truth Lies and Leadership, [https://x.com/MrJohnFlowers/status/986701342579322880/photo/1] •“A boy sneaks behind another boy and tugs his underwear. In [[New England]], this is giving someone a wedgie. The term wedgie is unknown in [[Minnesota]] where the identical act is a snuggie.” The Midwestern Journal of Language and Folklore, 1980 • “I had never heard any stories of similar carryings-on anywhere else in the [[college]] in the 1980s. Something called the wedgie patrol was abroad in the late hours of the night on Harsbrouck First… At two or three in the morning, when most of the night owls on the floor had finally gone to [[sleep]], the marauders insinuated their way into the rooms of other males on the floor … New male students and unpopular ones were snatched from their beds, usually sleeping only in their underwear, and hoisted by the tops of their wares until the garments shredded… In vulgar male talk among the students of the 1980s, to bust someone’s balls was usually metaphoric… The wedgie as an action collapsed the [[Metaphors|metaphor]] making the phrase very literal indeed.” Michael Moffat, Coming of Age in New Jersey [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “The correct manly response to a wedgie attack, according to its perpetrators was to take it in good [[Humour|humor]]. The patrol had started the previous year, some of the sophomores said, when Harsbrouck Fourth had had lots of freshmen men on it. It had been initiated by a junior clique on the floor, guys all from the same [[New Jersey]] hometown who had stuck together for three years at Rutgers. They were still together in 1984. … Last year’s juniors had wedgied last year’s freshmen, and then each freshman victim had happily joined the patrol, its aficionados claimed.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] •“With millions of children scuttling back to the substandard [[School|schools]] we keep reading about, it’s reassuring to know the wedgie is alive and kicking.” Hank Stuever, At School A Most Uncomfortable Subject, 2002, [[https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google]] • “Somewhere out there, freshman boys are keeping the lowest possible profile to avoid senior [[American football|football]] players who seek to wedgie them or [[Bullying|worse]], and this is a good thing in that it’s a firsthand lesson in the human condition. Sometimes [[life]] stinks.” Ibid, [https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google] • “Summer camps are a finishing school for wedgie trainees, if all is right in the world almost no one should be able to return home with intact undamaged underwear.” Ibid, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/2002/09/02/at-school-a-most-uncomfortable-subject/77ab96a0-7849-4ba5-b44d-33d8c30fcfdf/] • “Some [[Nerd|geeks]], now fully grown, go to reunions loaded for bear. The wedgie-resentful seem to have missed the universal point of the wedgie, that it comes from a charitable place at least as much as a place of hatred and so they cannot be comforted.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “Eric Kassoway, 19, was reveling at a concert last year when he decided to sneak up on his [[Friendship|friend]], Daniel Strouss, and yank up his underwear. Apparently, it must have [[Pain|hurt]] because Strouss, 19, held a [[Revenge|grudge]] for months. So much so that on the night of June 12, he drove to Kassoway’s home and shot him in the arm and the leg. Kassoway nearly [[Death|died]] from loss of blood.” Jim Thorpe, Man Accused of Attempted Murder in Wedgie Case, 2002 [https://www.cnn.com/2002/LAW/08/30/ctv.stupid.crimes/] • “An [[Oklahoma]] man was sentenced late on Thursday to 30 years in [[prison]] for asphyxiating his stepfather with an atomic wedgie in December 2013.” Heide Brandes, Oklahoma Man Gets 30 Years in Prison for Fatal Atomic Wedgie, 2015 [https://www.reuters.com/article/world/us/oklahoma-man-gets-30-years-in-prison-for-fatal-atomic-wedgie-idUSKCN0PR1VV/]. • “The next [[stereotype]] that makes no sense to me would be all the ways [[Bullying|bullies]] torment their victims in media. Like let’s start off with the most iconic, the wedgie. I’m gonna keep it abuck, if you’re a dude and someone wedgies you, and you just take that and do [[Nothingness|nothing]] about it, maybe you deserve to get wedgied, bro. Like, if I ever have a [[son]] and he gets wedgied, I’m going to tell him he is obligated to start [[Fighting|throwing hands]] immediately. No matter how much bigger the kid is, you simply cannot take that. I personally never saw anyone get wedgied during my time in school and I think it’s because most guys know that if they try that on another dude, they’re not just gonna take that lying down like they’re some [[nerd]] in a [[Television|TV show]].” Raody, Bullying Stereotypes Make No Sense, 2025, [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7pbzc5nCcKc] == Quotes About Fictional Depictions of Wedgies == • “In the [[Cold War]] world, the wedgie was also a sure way to build up sympathy for the plucky screen heroes in comedies like 1984’s [[Revenge of the Nerds]] and in 1985’s [[Just One of the Guys]].” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] • “Screen wedgies declined over the next 20 years perhaps due to [[shame]] over their [[bullying]] origins or because high school [[Nerd|geeks]] began to rule the world.” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] == Quotes from Characters in Fiction About Wedgies == • “Well, [[Nerd|poindexter]], here’s a little [[physics]] lesson, undies plus [[gravity]] equal wedgie”. Said by Vicky in [[The Fairly OddParents]] episode Dream Goat, 2001, [https://fairlyoddparents.fandom.com/wiki/Dream_Goat!/Transcript] 8ceqpotg7n0hzz1iivm2tgqbhhi5is7 3954254 3954253 2026-06-18T19:27:16Z ~2026-35632-18 3343423 /* Quotes about Wedgies */ 3954254 wikitext text/x-wiki A [https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wedgie wedgie] is a [[practical joke]] or form of [[bullying]] consisting of grabbing a victim’s underpants by the waistband and yanking upward to wedge said underpants in the person’s buttocks. (It can also refer to a wardrobe malfunction wherein one’s underwear is naturally wedged in someone’s buttocks.) == Quotes about Wedgies == • “getting [[Bullying|body slammed into a locker]] hurt, but I could handle it. More dangerous were the wedgies. If [[memory]] serves, a wedgie involved ripping another [[Boy|boys]]’s [[underwear]] out of his pants by grabbing the rear waistband of his [[w:underwear|underwear]] and yanking upward. The offense typically involved two assailants and I endured many in [[High school|the ninth grade]].” [[James Comey]] as quoted in his book A Higher Loyalty: Truth Lies and Leadership, [https://x.com/MrJohnFlowers/status/986701342579322880/photo/1] •“A boy sneaks behind another boy and tugs his underwear. In [[New England]], this is giving someone a wedgie. The term wedgie is unknown in [[Minnesota]] where the identical act is a snuggie.” The Midwestern Journal of Language and Folklore, 1980 • “I had never heard any stories of similar carryings-on anywhere else in the [[college]] in the 1980s. Something called the wedgie patrol was abroad in the late hours of the night on Harsbrouck First… At two or three in the morning, when most of the night owls on the floor had finally gone to [[sleep]], the marauders insinuated their way into the rooms of other males on the floor … New male students and unpopular ones were snatched from their beds, usually sleeping only in their underwear, and hoisted by the tops of their wares until the garments shredded… In vulgar male talk among the students of the 1980s, to bust someone’s balls was usually metaphoric… The wedgie as an action collapsed the [[Metaphors|metaphor]] making the phrase very literal indeed.” Michael Moffat, Coming of Age in New Jersey [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “The correct manly response to a wedgie attack, according to its perpetrators was to take it in good [[Humour|humor]]. The patrol had started the previous year, some of the sophomores said, when Harsbrouck Fourth had had lots of freshmen men on it. It had been initiated by a junior clique on the floor, guys all from the same [[New Jersey]] hometown who had stuck together for three years at Rutgers. They were still together in 1984. … Last year’s juniors had wedgied last year’s freshmen, and then each freshman victim had happily joined the patrol, its aficionados claimed.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] •“With millions of children scuttling back to the substandard [[School|schools]] we keep reading about, it’s reassuring to know the wedgie is alive and kicking.” Hank Stuever, At School A Most Uncomfortable Subject, 2002, [[https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google]] • “Somewhere out there, freshman boys are keeping the lowest possible profile to avoid senior [[American football|football]] players who seek to wedgie them or [[Bullying|worse]], and this is a good thing in that it’s a firsthand lesson in the human condition. Sometimes [[life]] stinks.” Ibid, [https://web.archive.org/web/20100413063907/http://pqasb.pqarchiver.com/washingtonpost/access/158159441.html?dids=158159441:158159441&FMT=ABS&FMTS=ABS:FT&date=SEP+02%2C+2002&author=Hank+Stuever&pub=The+Washington+Post&desc=At+School%2C+a+Most+Uncomfortable+Subject&pqatl=google] • “Summer camps are a finishing school for wedgie trainees, if all is right in the world almost no one should be able to return home with intact undamaged underwear.” Ibid, [https://www.washingtonpost.com/archive/lifestyle/2002/09/02/at-school-a-most-uncomfortable-subject/77ab96a0-7849-4ba5-b44d-33d8c30fcfdf/] • “Some [[Nerd|geeks]], now fully grown, go to reunions loaded for bear. The wedgie-resentful seem to have missed the universal point of the wedgie, that it comes from a charitable place at least as much as a place of hatred and so they cannot be comforted.” Ibid. [https://archive.org/details/comingofageinnew0000moff/page/86/mode/1up?q=Wedgie+patrol] • “Eric Kassoway, 19, was reveling at a concert last year when he decided to sneak up on his [[Friendship|friend]], Daniel Strouss, and yank up his underwear. Apparently, it must have [[Pain|hurt]] because Strouss, 19, held a [[Revenge|grudge]] for months. So much so that on the night of June 12, he drove to Kassoway’s home and shot him in the arm and the leg. Kassoway nearly [[Death|died]] from loss of blood.” Jim Thorpe, Man Accused of Attempted Murder in Wedgie Case, 2002 [https://www.cnn.com/2002/LAW/08/30/ctv.stupid.crimes/] • “An [[Oklahoma]] man was sentenced late on Thursday to 30 years in [[prison]] for asphyxiating his stepfather with an atomic wedgie in December 2013.” Heide Brandes, Oklahoma Man Gets 30 Years in Prison for Fatal Atomic Wedgie, 2015 [https://www.reuters.com/article/world/us/oklahoma-man-gets-30-years-in-prison-for-fatal-atomic-wedgie-idUSKCN0PR1VV/]. • “The next [[stereotype]] that makes no sense to me would be all the ways [[Bullying|bullies]] torment their victims in media. Like let’s start off with the most iconic, the wedgie. I’m gonna keep it abuck, if you’re a dude and someone wedgies you, and you just take that and do [[Nothingness|nothing]] about it, maybe you deserve to get wedgied, bro. Like, if I ever have a [[son]] and he gets wedgied, I’m going to tell him he is obligated to start [[Fighting|throwing hands]] immediately. No matter how much bigger the kid is, you simply cannot take that. I personally never saw anyone get wedgied during my time in school and I think it’s because most guys know that if they try that on another dude, they’re not just gonna take that lying down like they’re some [[nerd]] in a [[Television|TV show]].” Raody, Bullying Stereotypes Make No Sense, 2025, [https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=7pbzc5nCcKc] == Quotes About Fictional Depictions of Wedgies == • “In the [[Cold War]] world, the wedgie was also a sure way to build up sympathy for the plucky screen heroes in comedies like 1984’s [[Revenge of the Nerds]] and in 1985’s [[Just One of the Guys]].” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] • “Screen wedgies declined over the next 20 years perhaps due to [[shame]] over their [[bullying]] origins or because high school [[Nerd|geeks]] began to rule the world.” Bryan Alexander, The Wedgie’s Pop Culture Pull Proves Irresistible, 2013 [https://www.usatoday.com/story/life/movies/2013/10/22/wedgie-bad-grandpa-revenge-of-nerds/2917975/] == Quotes from Characters in Fiction About Wedgies == • “Well, [[Nerd|poindexter]], here’s a little [[physics]] lesson, undies plus [[gravity]] equal wedgie”. Said by Vicky in [[The Fairly OddParents]] episode Dream Goat, 2001, [https://fairlyoddparents.fandom.com/wiki/Dream_Goat!/Transcript] g15vc7dfx5mkxyc2pyo9hzpm3c8exsq 0 297148 3954165 3846593 2026-06-18T15:30:57Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 added DEFAULTSORT 3954165 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Jane Fraser (cropped).jpg|thumb|Jane Fraser]] '''{{w|Jane Fraser (businesswoman)|Jane Fraser}}''' (born 13 July 1967) is a British-American banking executive who is the chief executive officer (CEO) of Citigroup, a position she has held since March 2021. Educated at Girton College, Cambridge, and Harvard Business School, she worked at McKinsey & Company for 10 years, rising to partner prior to joining Citigroup in 2004. In 2019, she was named president of Citigroup and CEO of its consumer banking division. == Quotes == * There is some crazy pressure on women, and on men, to almost be superwoman or superman, and that's just not realistic * The advice to everyone is, you can have it all, but don't expect to have it at exactly the same time * Your career is going to be measured in decades, and you'll probably have many careers in your life, so make sure that you really enjoy each period of your life and make the most of it * Don't try and achieve everything at the same time and put so much pressure on yourself * That was a game-changing piece of advice for me, because then I started doing completely different jobs and ones that weren't necessarily logical to most people's thinking * That philosophy very much guided me to start thinking what are the things that would equip me better for a more senior role further down the path * If we didn't put our people's health and safety first ... I think we would have done a very poor job managing the bank * We've been in the midsts of a health crisis, and if we didn't put our people's health and safety first and understand what's going on in their lives, honestly, I think we would have done a very poor job managing the bank through the crisis * Our employees have then rewarded us incredibly because, secure in that and knowing that they were going to be okay, then meant that they would focus on our clients and look after them too ** [https://www.cnbc.com/amp/2020/12/09/citigroup-ceo-jane-fraser-you-can-have-it-all-just-not-all-at-once.html You can have it all — just not all at once, says first woman to head major Wall Street bank],9 December 2020 * We will invest in our infrastructure, risk management and controls to ensure that we operate in a safe and sound manner and serve our clients and customers with excellence ** [https://qz.com/1901869/citigroup-ceo-jane-frasers-top-challenge-citis-share-price Citi CEO Jane Fraser’s biggest challenge, in one chart],21 July 2022 * I knew it was going to be multiple years and I knew I had to get a move on: to be bold around it and take tough decisions that hadn’t been made before, and to make investments that were going to be hard for the bottom line for a couple of years but would then bear fruit * Having experience of different parts of the bank gives you a lot of courage and conviction, to get clarity quickly about what needs to be done and stick to the plan, even if it’s difficult * Our folk here are not shy about telling you what you need to do when you ask them * We are not done and we’ve still got a way to go. There is no victory being declared, but there is very clear, demonstrable progress * There was a lot of pride in some of these retail businesses and it has been hard to let go of them from a cultural point of view * We’ve taken some pretty tough talent calls, says Fraser. If someone was a strong performer, but their job had gone away in the reorg, we would put them into a job that someone else had * We are using the strength of our global platform, and what we do in Services and other areas, to propel the relationship into the boardroom * That’s expensive and thankless work until it’s done, and then it’s joyful * If you move from 20 different ways of doing something to one, that reduces the risk of something going wrong enormously. Then you make sure that the process around that makes sense, end to end: making sure it isn’t convoluted and complex. You put in all your controls, both preventive, and detective. You try and make as many of them automated as possible, and then you test them constantly to make sure they’re working. That is the deeply unsexy but very important work we have been doing * There are a lot more things coming off the to-do list than getting added to it. We can see it delivering better outcomes and starting to improve efficiency. There’s been a huge lift done, but now we’re in the phase when you’re starting to get things closed ** [https://www.euromoney.com/article/8x6kmtasovgokko408co4coo4/awards/awards-for-excellence/banker-of-the-year-2025-citis-jane-fraser/ Banker of the year 2025: Citi’s Jane Fraser],18 July 2025 == External links == {{Wikipedia}}{{User Wikicommons}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Fraser, Jane}} [[Category:1967 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Chief executive officers]] [[Category:People from British Columbia]] [[Category:Banking]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] o7hgl4snms140u509tnz2v8dih0ga61 0 297561 3954213 3899131 2026-06-18T17:20:37Z UDScott 4304 removed [[Category:Women activists]]; added [[Category:Women activists from Russia]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954213 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{W|Maria Butina}}''' (Russian: Мари́я Вале́рьевна Бу́тина; born 10 November 1988) is a Russian politician, political activist, journalist, and former entrepreneur who was convicted in 2018 of acting as an unregistered foreign agent of Russia within the United States == Quotes == *Look, this is-- I think it's an American, very old saying that suggests that wolves have teeth, but not all animals with teeth are wolves. You cannot judge a person based on appearance. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/maria-butina-interview-full-transcript-watch-video-lesley-stahl-60-minutes-exclusive/] *That's a great question to ask here in America. Because there were times when people didn't believe that women are capable to be leaders at all. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/maria-butina-interview-full-transcript-watch-video-lesley-stahl-60-minutes-exclusive/] *But this is exactly the same. How can one judge me and say what, I was too smart for my age? I think that is what is praised in America. When a young person takes his or her destiny in his own hands and fights. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/news/maria-butina-interview-full-transcript-watch-video-lesley-stahl-60-minutes-exclusive/] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Butina, Maria}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women politicians in Russia]] [[Category:entrepreneurs]] [[Category:Political activists]] [[Category:Women activists from Russia]] [[Category:Women journalists from Russia]] [[Category:1988 births]] [[Category:Women born in the 1980s]] pfaduoj86hr508up712nspiw1ciub9d 4 297649 3954156 3953850 2026-06-18T15:10:18Z MABot 3002050 Bot: Archiving 1 thread from [[Wikiquote:Village pump]] 3954156 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Village pump archives}} == Proposed change to [[Special:Watchlist]] == If you take a look at your watchlist on [[:species:]] at [[:species:Special:Watchlist]], you'll see that there's a line at the top that gives visibility to a handful of tracking categories that require attention and in the case that a certain category has more than <var>x</var> pages in it, it gets a hi-lite. Would the community here be in favor of a similar change for categories such as [[:Category:Candidates for speedy deletion]], [[:Category:Pages with reference errors]], and [[:Category:Possible copyright violations]]? I imagine about a half-dozen of the more important maintenance categories. I think this would be helpful in providing visibility for admins and other users to fix more acute problems. Thoughts? —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 22:25, 4 September 2025 (UTC) == interwiki error == Good evening, please let you have a look at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Stefano_Lorenzetto&diff=3805435&oldid=3805434 this]. Thr wrong interwiki [[fr:Adrien Candiard]] (in the quotes) created automatically an interwiki link (at the right side of the top of the page) between [[q:en:Stefano Lorenzetto]] and [[q:fr:Adrien Candiard]], a WQ article which does not exist. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-57140-7|&#126;2025-57140-7]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-57140-7|talk]]) 20:05, 10 September 2025 (UTC) :It doesn't exist an entry on ''"Wikiquote in French"'' about ''"Adrien Candiard"''. :It does exist an article about him on '''"Wikipedia in French"''' but not on '''"Wikipedia in English"'''. :The mistake was corrected , now there are an interlink to the article in French language. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 01:25, 11 September 2025 (UTC) == Policy Change proposal == There is currently a discussion in [[WQ:WQ]] talk page on the change the notability policy. You may visit the talk page, join the discussion and vote. [[User:NorthernWinds|NorthernWinds]] ([[User talk:NorthernWinds|talk]]) 14:40, 12 September 2025 (UTC) == Server switch - Your wiki will be read-only for a short time soon == <section begin="server-switch"/><div class="plainlinks"> [[:m:Special:MyLanguage/Tech/Server switch|Read this message in another language]] • [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Translate&group=page-Tech%2FServer+switch&language=&action=page&filter= {{int:please-translate}}] The [[foundation:|Wikimedia Foundation]] will switch the traffic between its data centers. This will make sure that Wikipedia and the other Wikimedia wikis can stay online even after a disaster. All traffic will switch on '''{{#time:j xg|2025-09-24|en}}'''. The switch will start at '''[https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/{{#time:U|2025-09-24T15:00|en}} {{#time:H:i e|2025-09-24T15:00}}]'''. Unfortunately, because of some limitations in [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Manual:What is MediaWiki?|MediaWiki]], all editing must stop while the switch is made. We apologize for this disruption, and we are working to minimize it in the future. A banner will be displayed on all wikis 30 minutes before this operation happens. This banner will remain visible until the end of the operation. You can contribute to the [https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special%3ATranslate&group=Centralnotice-tgroup-read_only_banner&task=view&language=&filter=&action=translate translation or proofreading] of this banner text. '''You will be able to read, but not edit, all wikis for a short period of time.''' *You will not be able to edit for up to an hour on {{#time:l j xg Y|2025-09-24|en}}. *If you try to edit or save during these times, you will see an error message. We hope that no edits will be lost during these minutes, but we can't guarantee it. If you see the error message, then please wait until everything is back to normal. Then you should be able to save your edit. But, we recommend that you make a copy of your changes first, just in case. ''Other effects'': *Background jobs will be slower and some may be dropped. Red links might not be updated as quickly as normal. If you create an article that is already linked somewhere else, the link will stay red longer than usual. Some long-running scripts will have to be stopped. * We expect the code deployments to happen as any other week. However, some case-by-case code freezes could punctually happen if the operation require them afterwards. * [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/GitLab|GitLab]] will be unavailable for about 90 minutes. This project may be postponed if necessary. You can [[wikitech:Switch_Datacenter|read the schedule at wikitech.wikimedia.org]]. Any changes will be announced in the schedule. '''Please share this information with your community.'''</div><section end="server-switch"/> <span dir=ltr>[[m:User:Trizek (WMF)|Trizek (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Trizek (WMF)|{{int:talk}}]])</span> 15:41, 18 September 2025 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Trizek (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Non-Technical_Village_Pumps_distribution_list&oldid=29170715 --> == How to add a song verses without double spacing in between those verses? == hi, I tried to correct the quotation of a song, but I can't figure out how to include the song's verses on different lines without Wikiquotes automatically double spacing all the lines? It either bunches together each stanza into a single block, or the verses are too far apart and double spaced. Please help, I would appreciate it [[User:Misa-Misa Yagami-Amane|Misa-Misa Yagami-Amane]] ([[User talk:Misa-Misa Yagami-Amane|talk]]) 16:52, 9 September 2025 (UTC) :Use <nowiki><br></nowiki> between each line (while keeping them together in a single paragraph). For example:<br><nowiki>line1<br>line2<br>line3.</nowiki> As an example, look at the [[The Beatles]] page, where you'll find examples like the following: :* Oh yeah, I´ll tell you something<br>I think you´ll understand<br>When I say that something<br>I wanna hold your hand. :** ''[[w:I Want to Hold Your Hand|I Want to Hold Your Hand]]'' ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:12, 9 September 2025 (UTC) ::Thank you so much! [[User:Misa-Misa Yagami-Amane|Misa-Misa Yagami-Amane]] ([[User talk:Misa-Misa Yagami-Amane|talk]]) 10:48, 22 September 2025 (UTC) == User conflict at [[The Godfather]] == On 15 Feb. 2024 I, from an IP address, edited [[The Godfather]] to trim narration from dialogue from the film's Moe Greene scene. The narrations included e.g. noting that someone puffs a cigarette, suggesting someone's mood, details that I think the dialogue stands just fine without. Wikiquote is for quotations; if someone wants to see the entire audiovisual context of those quotations, they are welcome to watch the film. A few days later [[User:Eaglestorm]] reverted the change without explanation. I restored the changes in May; Eaglestorm reverted again and called me "obsessed" and an "single-purpose account" (untrue; I edit plenty of other articles). This has continued sporadically since. I make changes, Eaglestorm notices similarity with prior changes and reverts them entirely and without explanation. Eaglestorm is not the boss of who can and can't edit a particular article and I ask that they be advised of this. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-50662-4|&#126;2025-50662-4]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-50662-4|talk]]) 17:33, 5 September 2025 (UTC) :First, you are correct - no user "owns" any page and should not act that way. I agree that [[User:Eaglestorm]] appears to be a bit aggressive and denigrating in reverting your edits. This should stop and not continue ( I will keep an eye out for this). Second, as to the content of the changes, I would propose a compromise: I believe your contextual cuts are good ones to make (as you say, the quotes stand on their own) - sometimes ''some'' contextual information is good to have, but these trims look appropriate to me. As for adding the full names of characters, I am more ambivalent - many pages use simple, one word names for characters and others use the full names. That being said, I don't really believe it is necessary to have full names, since the cast listing shows them already. I would recommend not making that change. That way, both of you get something from this: you get to trim the contextual notes and they get to trim the full names. Make sense? ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 18:02, 5 September 2025 (UTC) ::It makes sense to me, but apparently Eaglestorm is not on board with it. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-50662-4|&#126;2025-50662-4]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-50662-4|talk]]) 01:49, 29 September 2025 (UTC) == Upcoming Dark Mode user interface rollout for anonymous Wikimedia sites users == {{int:Hello}} Wikimedians, Apologies if this message is not in your language. {{int:please-translate}}. The [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Reading/Web|Reader Experience team]] will launch the Dark mode feature for anonymous users on all Wikimedia sites, including yours, on October 29, 2025. [[:en:Special:MyLanguage/Light-on-dark color scheme|Dark mode]] is an option that allows users to view pages in light-coloured text, and icons on a dark background. Once it is available for anonymous users, they can enable it when using various devices. More information on ways to enable it can be found on [[:en:Special:MyLanguage/Wikipedia:Dark mode#Options for anyone|this page]]. Given many pages are still not compatible with dark mode this will be an opt-in feature and not automatically apply to pages. Dark mode requires modifications to content pages and templates, and since our initial launch [https://diff.wikimedia.org/2024/07/17/dark-modes-bright-future-how-dark-mode-will-transform-wikipedias-accessibility/ in July 2024], we have been working with communities and helping them prepare for dark mode. Before the rollout, it is essential that template authors and technical contributors test dark mode and read [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Reading/Web/Accessibility for reading/Updates/2024-04|this page]] to learn how to make pages Dark mode-ready and address any compatibility issues found in templates. We will fix most color compatibility issues only on the most-viewed pages on projects with over 5 million monthly page views. Technical contributors with an account should opt into dark mode currently using preferences or settings and test pages and seek help before the release to ensure everything complies before the enablement. If you have any questions or need help, please [[mw:Special:MyLanguage/Talk:Reading/Web/Accessibility for reading#|contact the Reader Experience team]] for support. Thank you! <bdi lang="en" dir="ltr">[[User:UOzurumba (WMF)|UOzurumba (WMF)]]</bdi> 02:08, 30 September 2025 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:UOzurumba (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=User:UOzurumba_(WMF)/sandbox_Dark_mode_deployment_mass_message_list_(October_2025)&oldid=29358561 --> == Current adminship rights request. == A discussion is now open at [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship#Requests for interface administrator]], where longtime admin [[User:Saroj]] is seeking interface administrator rights. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE;{{text default color}};">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:30, 2 October 2025 (UTC) == User:Jni vote of confidence? == *{{vandal|Jni}} This was [[Wikiquote:Village_pump_archive_61#Inactive_admins_for_vote_of_confidence_review|brought up in 2022]] at the Village Pump. It does not appear that they replied either at the VP discussion or on their talk page. At the time, they had no edits in about a year and no logged actions in more than two. Currently they have no logged actions [[Special:Log/Jni|since 5 December 2021]] and have made only four edits following that date. While Jni does seem to contribute elsewhere, it's not clear that they have an interest in participating on WQ. We do not have a local inactivity policy at this time and Jni does not qualify under the [[:m:AAR|the global policy]], having made three edits in the past two years. However, a !vote of confidence as permitted by [[WQ:ADMIN]] may be appropriate and requires the consent of three users. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 18:19, 3 October 2025 (UTC) :'''Remove''' Thanks for all your work, Jni. No prejudice against re-applying in the future. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 19:34, 3 October 2025 (UTC) ::I'm not an administrator so I'm not sure if I'm allowed to vote in this but I think I would concur with removal. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 20:04, 3 October 2025 (UTC) :::'''Support''' - seems like Jni is no longer active. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 01:09, 4 October 2025 (UTC) :'''Remove''' – Thanks for their service, but inactive and unresponsive. Support VoC. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:39, 4 October 2025 (UTC) :'''Self-removal requested'''. I have indeed been absent for too long and don't need the admin permissions here anymore. I have requested stewards to remove my sysop access at [[:m:Steward_requests/Permissions#Removal_of_access]] page, to save others' time with this process. Thanks all! [[User:Jni|jni]] ([[User talk:Jni|talk]]) 09:46, 5 October 2025 (UTC) ::Thank you for the time you've invested in the project and I hope to see you back when you can. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 13:05, 5 October 2025 (UTC) == [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion]] == Thanks to {{re|Saroj}} for helping clear the backlog. We're now down to only 10 open. Just noting that we don't just need administrators there. Things would greatly benefit from more interaction from everyone. It doesn't work very well when lots of discussions are just one or two !votes from a small group of users. And admins can only contribute to VfD so much really, because there still has to be someone around to close. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 14:52, 5 October 2025 (UTC) == Have your say: vote for the 2025 Board of Trustees == <section begin="announcement-content" /> Hello all, The voting period for the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2025|2025 Board of Trustees election]] is now open. Candidates are running for two (2) seats on the Board. To check your voter eligibility, please visit the [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2025/Voter eligibility guidelines|voter eligibility page]]. Learn more about them by [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation elections/2025/Candidates|reading their application statements and watch their candidacy videos]]. When you are ready, go to the [[m:Special:SecurePoll/vote/405|SecurePoll voting page to vote]]. '''The vote is open from October 8 at 00:00 UTC to October 22 at 23:59 UTC.''' Best regards, Abhishek Suryawanshi<br />Chair, Elections Committee<section end="announcement-content" /> [[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 04:48, 9 October 2025 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:RamzyM (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=29360896 --> == AI generated articles == <small>Courtesy ping for {{Re|Bembety}}</small> There's been a number of AI generated articles created recently, tagged with #WikiactivateAI, and there are some issues. The most widespread seems to be that it is pulling quotes without regard to whether they make a lot of sense on their own. * [[Mary Dinah]]: "That was how we decided to go into the school feeding programme." "It’s been about three to four years since we started in that region and it’s been absolutely successful." "It still is my greatest high point in life." "We will be doing much more in the coming months and years." * [[Seanice Kacungira]]: "The picture is of some of our Uganda team doing what we love to best in our free time, raising money for charity!" "I don’t think that any country, not just Kenya, but any African country." "I don’t have those numbers in my head." "I know that we feel very strongly that the suffering and the losses that were experienced are deeply regrettable and deplorable." * [[Njideka Harry]]: "I think overall more broadly of those societal challenges are still inexistence." "Why we run gender sensitive programmes for women, girls." * [[Denis Yarats]]: "We start talking and like collaborating together." "I'm super excited about it, but it is very important." "We have a very good people who can generate it as well." You get the idea. In at least one instance that I nominated at [[Wikiquote:Votes for deletion/Camtel]], it also pulled prose from the source that wasn't a quote at all. This is in addition to pulling contextless quotes, and quotes that are both contextless and routine corporate speak. Finally, it doesn't seem to very well or at all discriminate based on type or quality of source. It seems to just be looking for ''some source'' that has a lot of quotation marks or are clearly identified as an interview. I don't know what the best and most agreeable solution is here, but given the ease and rapidity with which these can be made, the quality of the content seems important. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 14:45, 9 October 2025 (UTC) :Thanks for the reminder. I’ll make sure to double check all quotes before publishing, and I will not use that sign(") again. I swear in the name of the Lord who created me, I am not using AI to generate quotes. If you review the sources of the quotes, you’ll notice that the quotation marks (") are present, just as I’ve used them. Thanks [[User:Bembety|Bembety]] ([[User talk:Bembety|talk]]) 15:27, 9 October 2025 (UTC) ::[[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] I have reviewed and corrected all the listed articles. Kindly check them again. Thank you. [[User:Bembety|Bembety]] ([[User talk:Bembety|talk]]) 22:48, 9 October 2025 (UTC) == WMF board reform == The [[m:2025 WMF Board reform petition]] affects people from across the movement, so I'm posting this here. Feel free to let me know if there is a better venue on this project and I wrote this in the wrong place. I care and am always open to learning more about my fellow wikimedians. [[User:Clovermoss|Clovermoss]] ([[User talk:Clovermoss|talk]]) 20:58, 10 October 2025 (UTC) == Quote of the Day == [[user:Kalki]] yet again ignoring votes at Quote of the Day, and changing his own vote without explanation at the last second. [[October 10]], [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/October 10, 2025]]. Do we have a process here, or does Kalki just get to insert his choice whenever he feels like it? [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 00:03, 10 October 2025 (UTC) : In regard to your complaints on today's QOTD, '''I will simply again note for the third time, on each of the three places you have currently placed such complaints, that I have nearly always taken account of ALL the available suggestions on a QOTD suggestion page for a date, and make final choices among what seem to be the best ones in the last hours available to me to do so, before posting them, so as to keep options for new suggestions and quotes open so long as possible, while you have several times now seemed to be intent on simply interfering with the processes of my final selections by casting extremely disruptive and personally spiteful rankings down-voting WHATEVER I select, without any actual regard to merit of the quotes, even AFTER what you quite facetiously and usually quite WRONGLY tend to label "the last second." You seem to take my failure to abjectly and absolutely subordinate my careful considerations among all available choices to your acts of very deliberate and malicious disruption as something to complain about as an injustice on my part.''' I consider this ludicrous. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 08:29, 10 October 2025 (UTC) + tweaks ::In reviewing what occurred here, I would agree with Kalki that it appears you made an attempt to be disruptive by selecting an obviously intentionally low rating for an otherwise acceptable quote simply because it had been suggested by Kalki. And I also do not understand the problem with ''any'' user changing their vote in this process, whether "last minute" or not. As to the larger question regarding the process of selecting the quotes, I believe that Kalki has certainly taken ownership of it over the years - but that was because there really was no one else stepping forward to help manage it. I personally don't have the bandwidth to contribute to this process regularly (with so much elsewhere to work on, including the nearly continuous deluge of new pages needing attention), but when I have been able to participate, I have found that discussion has worked to arrive at a good selection for the QOTD. The problem is more that there is so little participation by others. If there are disputes (and of course there have been over the years - regarding both the quote and image selections), the community has stepped in to correct it. This is not without the occasional argument, but by and large, I believe the process has been handled smoothly by Kalki - and I commend them for doing so. It is not an easy job - and it must be handled within a confined timeline every day. You and anyone else is welcome to be a part of that process, but I suggest a more rational approach to the voting than entering a 0 in an attempt to offset the vote that Kalki had entered (or if you do enter an extreme vote such as this, at least offer some explanation as to why you find the quote so inappropriate). I fully support and endorse Kalki in this process (even with the occasional bumps in the road that are usually quickly addressed). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:07, 10 October 2025 (UTC) :::So just to be clear: Kalki gets to choose QOTD whenever and wherever he wants. :::QOTD will forever be a stain on this project as a result. :::"'''Every murderer is probably somebody’s old friend."''' -- run ''three days'' after Charlie Kirk's murder. Selected by Kalki despite Zarbon having rated it a 1, making it ineligible even with Kalki rating it a 4 at the last second. :::Disgraceful [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 23:58, 12 October 2025 (UTC) == Help us decide the name of the new Abstract Wikipedia project == <section begin="function1"/> {{int:Hello}}. Please help pick a name for the new Abstract Wikipedia wiki project. This project will be a wiki that will enable users to combine functions from [[:f:|Wikifunctions]] and data from Wikidata in order to generate natural language sentences in any supported languages. These sentences can then be used by any Wikipedia (or elsewhere). There will be two rounds of voting, each followed by legal review of candidates, with votes beginning on 20 October and 17 November 2025. Our goal is to have a final project name selected on mid-December 2025. If you would like to participate, then '''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Abstract Wikipedia/Abstract Wikipedia naming contest|please learn more and vote now]]''' at meta-wiki. {{Int:Feedback-thanks-title}} <section end="function1"/> -- [[User:Sannita (WMF)|User:Sannita (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Sannita (WMF)|talk]]) 11:43, 20 October 2025 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Sannita (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=29432175 --> == How Do I Correct Misspelling in the Title of an Article? == I created the Ann Swinburne Munroe article, but had misspelled her name. Here is the article: [[Ann Swinbourne Munroe]] [[User:Starlighsky|Starlighsky]] ([[User talk:Starlighsky|talk]]) 15:34, 29 October 2025 (UTC) :I moved the page to the correctly spelled name (and tidied up some formatting). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 15:53, 29 October 2025 (UTC) == Seeking volunteers to join several of the movement’s committees == <section begin="announcement-content" /> Each year, typically from October through December, several of the movement’s committees seek new volunteers. Read more about the committees on their Meta-wiki pages: * [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Affiliations Committee|Affiliations Committee (AffCom)]] * [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Ombuds commission|Ombuds commission (OC)]] * [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation/Legal/Community Resilience and Sustainability/Trust and Safety/Case Review Committee|Case Review Committee (CRC)]] Applications for the committees open on October 30, 2025. Applications for the Affiliations Committee, Ombuds commission and the Case Review Committee close on December 11, 2025. Learn how to apply by [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wikimedia Foundation/Legal/Committee appointments|visiting the appointment page on Meta-wiki]]. Post to the talk page or email cst[[File:At sign.svg|16x16px|link=|(_AT_)]]wikimedia.org with any questions you may have. For the Committee Support team, <section end="announcement-content" /> -[[m:User:MKaur (WMF)| MKaur (WMF)]] 14:13, 30 October 2025 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:MKaur (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=29517125 --> == Request to create new author page: Kenny R. Placencio == Hello Wikiquote editors, I recently verified my account and attempted to create a new author page titled "Kenny R. Placencio," but the "Create" button remains inactive. I believe this may be due to the new-account restriction. Could an administrator please assist or enable page creation for this entry? Here is the content I am trying to publish: == Kenny R. Placencio == '''Kenny R. Placencio''' (born 1991 in the Bronx, New York City) is an American philosopher, poet, and creative thinker. He is known for his original philosophical reflections exploring resilience, identity, and shared humanity. === Quotes === * "Resemblance is more visible in struggle." :: — First published by Kenny R. Placencio on verified social media (LinkedIn, Instagram, Facebook), October 2025. == References == * [https://www.linkedin.com/in/kenny-placencio-8b946136a LinkedIn post by Kenny R. Placencio (October 2025)] * [https://www.instagram.com/tiguereplacencio/ Instagram publication (October 2025)] * [https://www.brooklyn.cuny.edu Brooklyn College official website] [[:Category:1991 births]] [[:Category:People from the Bronx]] [[:Category:American philosophers]] [[:Category:American poets]] [[:Category:American writers]] [[:Category:Brooklyn College alumni]] [[:Category:2025 works]] [[:Category:Quotes about struggle]] Thank you for your help! — Kenny R. Placencio [[User:Placenciorimvil|Placenciorimvil]] ([[User talk:Placenciorimvil|talk]]) 17:16, 1 November 2025 (UTC) == category help check? == Hello, I rarely contribute to wikipedia and wikiquotes. I get really nervous when I attempt to help out. That being said, may someone check my category/editing history to confirm I'm doing things correctly? [[User:Ilikememes128|Ilikememes128]] ([[User talk:Ilikememes128|talk]]) 13:55, 3 November 2025 (UTC) :You performed the right steps, but in two of the three, you added general categories that were not really needed. For example, on [[Gina Bianchini]], you added [[:Category:Women from the United States]], but there already was the category [[:Category:Businesswomen from the United States]]/ In this case, [[:Category:Businesswomen from the United States]] is already a subcategory of [[:Category:Women from the United States]], so it is not necessary to add it as well. Make sense? I'll make the appropriate changes to those three pages you edited - just remember that sometimes the general categories are redundant. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 14:54, 3 November 2025 (UTC) == family guy vandalism? == a lot of family guy pages seem to be plagued by non-account users that add nonsense edits. examples: https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Family_Guy/Season_21&diff=prev&oldid=3671214 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Family_Guy/Season_18&diff=prev&oldid=3481664 https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Family_Guy/Season_19&diff=prev&oldid=3451807 these edits make slight changes that are obviously inaccurate if you've seen the scenes in question. is there something that can be done about this [[User:Warpfrz|Warpfrz]] ([[User talk:Warpfrz|talk]]) 16:25, 4 November 2025 (UTC) :I have a lack of experience concerning '''"Wikiquote in English"''' because I made less than 10 edits. :I'm not familiarised with '''"Family Guy"''' to verify the content. :<br /> :If you think that edits make slight changes that are obviously innacurate. You can correct these yourself. :"[[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]]" and "[[Wikiquote:Administrators%27_noticeboard]]" can be useful in the worsecase if you suspect vandalism but what I seen are edits made under different IP backed from some month. Therefore , these pages seems to me unsuseful for the moment. :<br /> :I apply "[[Wikiquote:Assume good faith]]" because I'm unable to determinate if this is vandalism or not. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 04:29, 5 November 2025 (UTC) == Wikiquote doesn't update sometimes? == It looks like it is being updated now. I noticed before some times it is stuck on a day. I can go to the link for the month and day and find it there. But somehow it doesn't show up in wikiquote? If it happens again I will link the affected page. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-30874-78|&#126;2025-30874-78]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-30874-78|talk]]) 18:40, 1 November 2025 (UTC) :It looks like the Wikiquote page is stuck on a day. Can you provide an explanation? [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 19:25, 12 November 2025 (UTC) == Vandalism detected. == I found some weird vandalism by a temporary account ([[User: ~2025-69274-6|~2025-69274-6]]). Can you block this user from editing with an expiration time of indefinite? Also, this user is vandalizing pages and making test edits. [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 19:39, 12 November 2025 (UTC) :{{done}} Please report similar cases at [[Wikiquote:Vandalism in progress]] next time so they can be handled promptly. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 01:04, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == The Wikiquote Page is not updating? == When I looked at the Wikiquote page today and yesterday its stuck on Monday November 10th? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-33043-65|&#126;2025-33043-65]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-33043-65|talk]]) 17:49, 12 November 2025 (UTC) :{{Done}} &ndash; The issue now has been fixed in the [[main page]]. [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 19:18, 12 November 2025 (UTC) ::Its back to Monday today? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-33357-98|&#126;2025-33357-98]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-33357-98|talk]]) 17:09, 13 November 2025 (UTC) :::If you encountered an issue where it's back to Monday, November 10, 2025. [[User:Left page|<span style="color:blue">⬅️ '''Left page'''</span>]] ([[User talk:Left page|'''discuss''']]) 17:17, 13 November 2025 (UTC) == A Wikipedia topic that had been constantly deleted, salted and repeatedly re-created due to notability now has its own page thanks to significant coverage == It's [[w:Battle for Dream Island|BFDI]] if you're curious, and since the Fandom pages have their own episode transcripts and character quotes, it's only logical for it to be on here, right? Please talk with staff and anyone associated with the corresponding page for any confirmation. [[User:Mod creator|Mod creator]] ([[User talk:Mod creator|talk]]) 01:24, 15 November 2025 (UTC) :'''"Wikipedia in English"''' is not '''"Wikiquote in English"'''. There are different projects. Each project have its own rules. :Concerning '''"Wikipedia in English"''' , do you know that fandom isn't considered as a reliable source ? [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 03:40, 16 November 2025 (UTC) == Reminder: Help us decide the name of the new Abstract Wikipedia project == <section begin="function2"/> {{int:Hello}}. Reminder: Please help to choose name for the new Abstract Wikipedia wiki project. The finalist vote starts today. The finalists for the name are: <span lang="en" dir="ltr" class="mw-content-ltr">Abstract Wikipedia, Multilingual Wikipedia, Wikiabstracts, Wikigenerator, Proto-Wiki</span>. If you would like to participate, then '''[[m:Special:MyLanguage/Abstract Wikipedia/Abstract Wikipedia naming contest|please learn more and vote now]]''' at meta-wiki. {{Int:Feedback-thanks-title}} <section end="function2"/> -- [[User:Sannita (WMF)|User:Sannita (WMF)]] ([[User talk:Sannita (WMF)|talk]]) 14:22, 20 November 2025 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Sannita (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=29583860 --> == Categories connected to Wikidata == Hello, I contribute to Wikiquote in French and I see most of the categories here aren't connected to Wikidata (in fact 4 892). Could you please help me by connecting them with there Wikidata items, I can't do this alone ? They exist but with other names so it's difficult to find them by searching on Wikidata. For instance, [[:Category:Women from Jamaica by occupation]] here is called '''Category:Jamaican women by occupation''' on Wikidata. It's the same structure for all categories. <br> Thank you [[User:An insect photographer|An insect photographer]] ([[User talk:An insect photographer|talk]]) 15:10, 19 November 2025 (UTC) :Hi @[[User:An insect photographer|An insect photographer]], :The category names are a bit different because enwikiquote follows the Commons-style categorization, which doesn’t always match Wikidata’s naming. :I’d be happy to help you connect them to the correct Wikidata items—let’s work on mapping them together. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:33, 19 November 2025 (UTC) ::Thank you ! [[User:An insect photographer|An insect photographer]] ([[User talk:An insect photographer|talk]]) 15:53, 20 November 2025 (UTC) == COI edit request for [[Nasser Khalili]] article == Hello, I want to suggest an edit in an area where I have a Conflict Of Interest. I can't find a COI edit request process on Wikiquote, so am making a suggestion here for review by an uninvolved contributor. The Nasser Khalili page has [[Nasser Khalili#Quotes_about_Khalili|a section for quotes about Khalili]]. On 7 November 2025, [https://www.jewishnews.co.uk/freedom-of-london-for-jewish-art-scholar-whos-amassed-worlds-largest-collection-of-islamic-art/ this ''Jewish News'' article was published] in which the Lord Mayor of London [[:w:Alastair John Naisbitt King|Alastair King]] is quoted describing Khalili as “one of [the] world’s foremost champions of cultural philanthropy. He’s shown how culture can be bridge and not a barrier between people and cultures”. I offer that for inclusion, but leave the decision up to the community. [[User:MartinPoulter|MartinPoulter]] ([[User talk:MartinPoulter|talk]]) 14:21, 21 November 2025 (UTC) == Fair use on [[The Little Mermaid: Ariel's Beginning]] == I'm not familiar with Wikiquote policies, but this seems to be the entire script of the film, which I'm certain is a copyright infringement if not also some other problem. Someone who knows how Wikiquote works should probably take a look and do some cleanup. It's also worth noting that the last editor on that page, {{u|Byron Comp 3}}, was blocked from Wikipedia for repeatedly adding copyright violations and failing to communicate with anyone (if someone blocks them, it's probably also worth blocking {{w|WP:SPI/Byron Comp 3|their 4 sockpuppets}}). [[User:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #c56030">lp0&nbsp;on&nbsp;fire</span>]]&nbsp;[[User talk:lp0 on fire|<span style="color: #64cea0">()</span>]] 14:10, 5 December 2025 (UTC) == Current RfA == There’s an RfA for Codename Noreste currently up at [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship]]. Anyone interested can check it out and share their thoughts. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:14, 10 December 2025 (UTC) == efn on wikiquote? == wikipedia has the template [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Template:Efn Efn]. is there an equivalent template on wikiquote? efn doesn't seem to work. [[User:Warpfrz|Warpfrz]] ([[User talk:Warpfrz|talk]]) 08:39, 26 November 2025 (UTC) * Wikiquote does not have an equivalent template because Wikiquote eschews footnotes. ~ [[User:Ningauble|Ningauble]] ([[User talk:Ningauble|talk]]) 18:50, 10 December 2025 (UTC) == Abuse filter requests == I would like to introduce a new abuse filter and a modification idea for [[Special:AbuseFilter/36]]: * Wikiquote has lately been experiencing vandalism from unregistered users, and I often see abuse log entries of unregistered users editing (attempting to or actually editing) others' user pages. Therefore, I would suggest importing [[:b:Special:AbuseFilter/40]] to here from English Wikibooks. * Filter 36 should also disallow non-autoconfirmed users from creating others' user subpages, not just unregistered users. Here are the suggested conditions below: <syntaxhighlight lang="wikitext"> page_id == 0 & page_namespace == 2 & page_title contains "/" & !(page_title contains user_name) & !("autoconfirmed" in user_rights) </syntaxhighlight> When these local filters are implemented, I'll modify a global filter to opt out this project. Thanks. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:15, 7 December 2025 (UTC) : {{done}} per lack of objection, filters created/modified accordingly. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 00:34, 15 December 2025 (UTC) == Enable the abuse filter block feature? == {{tracked|T413530|resolved}} So, given the recurring amount of LTA vandalism (and especially <span class="plainlinks">[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Meet_the_Fockers&action=history this]</span>), I would like to propose enabling the block option in this project's AbuseFilter extension; however, it should '''only''' be used to deal with clear cases of LTA abuse, such as the link I included. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 20:20, 12 December 2025 (UTC) :Thank you for bringing this up. Given the recurring LTA vandalism we’ve been encountering, particularly in situations like the one you mentioned, I would be supportive of enabling the AbuseFilter block option. As long as it is applied carefully and limited to clear, well-established cases of LTA abuse, it seems like a reasonable and practical step. Cautious use and oversight would be important to ensure it’s not applied too broadly. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:34, 14 December 2025 (UTC) == New blocked text == administrator: change the [[MediaWiki:Blockedtext]] to like this: <div style="clear: both; border: 2px solid #ffe2e2; margin: 0em; background-color: #fff5f5; padding-bottom: 0.5em;;color:var(--color-base-fixed:#202122);"> <div style="background: #ffe2e2; padding-top: 0.1em; padding-bottom: 0.1em; text-align: center; font-size: larger; width: 100%;color:var(--color-base-fixed:#202122);">'''Your account or IP address has been blocked.'''</div> <div style="padding-top: 0.4em; padding-bottom: 0.3em;"><table border=0 align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top" align="center"> <!-- use template:qotd to edit --> $7, You have been blocked by $1 for this reason: ''$2''<br> * Start of block: $8 * Expiration of block: $6 * Block ID: #$5 * Current IP address: $3 </td> </tr> </table></div></div><noinclude> <div style="background-color: #e2e2ff;{{text default color}}; border: 2px solid #e2e2ff; border-bottom: none; padding-top: 0.3em; padding-bottom: 0.3em; font-size: large;" align="center"> '''What can I do now?''' </div> <div style="background-color: #f8f8ff;{{text default color}}; border: 2px solid #e2e2ff; border-top: none; padding: 0.6em; padding-top: none;"> *If instructions are given above in the block message, follow them. *If you have never edited Wikiquote before and/or do not have an account, consider creating one. If you wish to appeal the block, or you believe you have been blocked by mistake, please see the following section. The current block will automatically expire $6. You have many routes to appeal the block or its duration. Firstly, if you are a registered user and have a valid e-mail address confirmed, you can contact $1 via e-mail. This feature can be removed if abused. Alternatively, you may appeal the block by requesting that another administrator review the block. To do so, add <code><nowiki>{{unblock|your reason here}}</nowiki></code> to the bottom of your user talk page to request unblocking. You must state a reason for this, and the block can then be discussed. Our guide to appealing blocks might help you in composing a persuasive unblock request. If $7 is not blocked, your IP address ($3) or range may have been blocked. Please check here. If this is the case, please copy and paste the following text to the bottom of your user talk page. <code><nowiki>{{unblock-ip|1=$3|2=<nowiki>$2</nowiki>|3=$1}}</nowiki></code> '''Please note''': While this block may be upsetting or unexpected, abuse of appeal processes, repeatedly using the unblock template when denied, personal attacks, or impolite conduct may lead to the removal of your ability to edit your talk page.</div>[[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-35059-43|&#126;2025-35059-43]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-35059-43|talk]]) 05:16, 20 November 2025 (UTC) :are they waiting for so long? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2025-34907-64|&#126;2025-34907-64]] ([[User talk:&#126;2025-34907-64|talk]]) 16:32, 20 November 2025 (UTC) : {{declined}}, blocked for sockpuppetry. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 19:51, 23 December 2025 (UTC) == Request for New Author Page: Shon Mehta (Philosopher/Author) == I am requesting the creation of an author page for Shon Mehta. She is an author and philosopher whose work is included in the Oxford University Press (Headway 5th Ed) and Indian SCERT curriculum. Her quotes, such as 'Maybe I am a villain in your story...' (from the novel The Timingila, ISBN: 978-0692108031), are widely cited but often misattributed to 'Anonymous' online. I have provided source citations for her core works to assist an editor in building this page. [[User:TinaTami|TinaTami]] ([[User talk:TinaTami|talk]]) 06:52, 3 January 2026 (UTC) == Quotes about, in stead of from the person in article. == Mostly I'm active on nl:wiki so new here on Wikiquote. I noticed that in [[Ramin Hosseinpour]], all quotes are about the artist, not from him and I presumed we collect sourced quotations ''from'' notable people here. We're having some issues with the Dutch-languaged Wikipedia article about the artist, and the article about his short film concerning verifiability (we're following up on that) and there seem to have been some issues with the information on Wikidata, that people have looked into, so perhaps this is a crosswiki issue, concerning the artist and his work as a subject. One of our moderators suggested to bring this to the attention here on Wikiquote. Hope someone here can look into it as well. Thanks. [[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] ([[User talk:Jaap-073|talk]]) 19:58, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :@[[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] Well, we should primarily have quotes from the person, but 'quotes about' are also fine and good, though I would maybe hold them to a higher standard when it comes to "interestingness". If you can't find any quotes from the person worth keeping in most cases (historical people I would treat differently) I would not have a page. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 20:59, 4 January 2026 (UTC) ::Thanks for the explanation @[[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]]. Just to be sure I understand: So in principle it's okay (allowed, not forbidden) but for a page to exist here we do focus on the quotations from the person in question? [[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] ([[User talk:Jaap-073|talk]]) 21:10, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :::@[[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] I'm not sure if it is an official rule, but that is what I read from the way Wikiquote's guidelines are set up. Also, he isn't enwiki notable and the enwiki page is very salted which suggests a promotional history. We do delete pages for only having mundane quotes, and that is very much the case for the page you mention, which only has aggressively flattering promotional statements with no quotability or depth. :::I would vote to delete this, personally. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 21:13, 4 January 2026 (UTC) ::::A Steward on nl:wiki has just put a global block in place on the account in question, and said something about socks (probably sock-puppetry) because problems arose in multiple languages. ::::My gut instinct was, this may have been a way to generate attention and promote the artist and his work. Perhaps the same goes for this Wikiquote page, and then I'd second the motion but as this was my first edit here in quote-land I would prefer to humbly submit to your collective wisdom as what is to be done here. Thanks again. [[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] ([[User talk:Jaap-073|talk]]) 21:20, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :::::@[[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] I will nominate this for speedy deletion. If that doesn't work I will take it to VfD. [[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]] ([[User talk:PARAKANYAA|talk]]) 21:28, 4 January 2026 (UTC) ::::::Thank you @[[User:PARAKANYAA|PARAKANYAA]]. ::::::If I get around to it, I'll try to fin a source for "I don't argue, I explain" by Violet Crawley, The Dowager Countess of Grantham, for the Downton Abbey entry here. Much more fun imho. [[User:Jaap-073|Jaap-073]] ([[User talk:Jaap-073|talk]]) 21:34, 4 January 2026 (UTC) :{{Deleted}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 04:56, 5 January 2026 (UTC) == Second proposal: add some protection levels? == I am proposing on adding any of the following protection levels to this project. === Proposal 1: Autopatroller protection === [[File:Padlock-blue.svg|80px|right]] This involves adding a new user right for protection, <code>editautopatrolprotected</code>, in which only autopatrollers, patrollers, administrators, and bots can edit pages with this protection. It would be used when semi-protection has proven to be inefficient, or to prevent sockpuppetry or edit wars, but it might also be used on templates where semi-protection would not be enough to prevent vandalism. We might need to consider updating the [[Wikiquote:Protection policy|protection policy]] soon, given that autopatroller protection should ''not'' be indefinite in articles. === Proposal 2: Template editor protection === [[File:Padlock-pink.svg|80px|right]] In the second proposal (or if the first proposal is unsuccessful), a new user group would be created, [[:d:Q15080994|Project:Template editors]] (with the <code>templateeditor</code> user right). This protection should be used only on high-risk templates/Lua modules where full protection would otherwise be too restrictive, unless such templates are used in the interface/system messages (in the latter, full protection would be useful). === In conclusion... === Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 20:35, 23 December 2025 (UTC) :I support adding autopatroller protection as a practical middle ground when semi-protection fails, but I don't think a separate template editor protection is necessary at this stage, as full protection already covers high-risk templates and it’s better to try one change first and reassess later. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 16:50, 5 January 2026 (UTC) == Proposal: Create a Patrollers User Group == {{tracked|T413848|resolved}} Hi everyone, I'd like to suggest creating a ''Patrollers'' user group on English Wikiquote. This would let trusted, active users help with routine patrolling by having their own edits automatically marked as patrolled and by marking other users’ edits as patrolled, easing some of the day-to-day workload for admins. English Wikiquote currently doesn't have a non-admin group focused on patrolling, though similar groups exist on other Wikimedia projects. Adding one here could improve recent changes review and general maintenance. The group could include the <code>autopatrol</code> and <code>patrol</code> rights, with membership granted by admins based on trust and activity. Feedback on usefulness and scope would be welcome. Thanks. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:30, 14 December 2025 (UTC) : That would be <code>patroller</code> in the MediaWiki software, but would it also make sense to create an autopatroller (<code>autopatrolled</code>) user group? Simply, autopatrollers solely have their own edits automatically marked as patrolled (in addition to patrollers and administrators). [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 19:16, 14 December 2025 (UTC) ::I think a separate autopatroller group could definitely be useful. It would help by automatically marking the edits of trusted users, without giving them broader patrolling responsibilities. That way, admins and patrollers can focus more on reviewing newer or higher-risk edits. Having both groups, with clear scopes, could keep things flexible and reduce routine workload if the community feels it’s a good fit. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 03:41, 17 December 2025 (UTC) :::Sounds like a good idea to me. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:14, 17 December 2025 (UTC) : <s>For (upcoming) patrollers and administrators, I would suggest that for these user groups, we can also add the <code>patrolmarks</code> user right, which should add a red exclamation mark next to non-patrolled page creations in recent changes.</s> <small>(turns out those with <code>patrol</code> already have <code>patrolmarks</code> already)</small> [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 18:59, 17 December 2025 (UTC) : [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] and [[User:UDScott|UDScott]], the user groups have been implemented hours ago. I will make their respective pages, but we need to decide a criteria for granting and revocation. [[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]]) 05:19, 9 January 2026 (UTC) ::I think granting and revoking these rights can mainly rely on admin discretion, guided by an editor's activity, trustworthiness, and understanding of Wikiquote norms. Keeping the criteria lightweight should help keep things flexible without adding unnecessary bureaucracy. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 07:06, 10 January 2026 (UTC) :::Agreed. Let's keep the criterias simple and lightweight. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 08:09, 10 January 2026 (UTC) == Thank You for Last Year – Join Wiki Loves Ramadan 2026 == Dear Wikimedia communities, We hope you are doing well, and we wish you a happy New Year. ''Last year, we captured light. This year, we’ll capture legacy.'' In 2025, communities around the world shared the glow of Ramadan nights and the warmth of collective iftars. In 2026, ''Wiki Loves Ramadan'' is expanding, bringing more stories, more cultures, and deeper global connections across Wikimedia projects. We invite you to explore the ''Wiki Loves Ramadan 2026'' [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wiki Loves Ramadan 2026|Meta page]] to learn how you can participate and [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wiki Loves Ramadan 2026/Participating communities|sign up]] your community. 📷 ''Photo campaign on '' [[c:Special:MyLanguage/Commons:Wiki Loves Ramadan 2026|Wikimedia Commons]] If you have questions about the project, please refer to the FAQs: * [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Wiki Loves Ramadan/FAQ/|Meta-Wiki]] * [[c:Special:MyLanguage/Commons:Wiki Loves Ramadan/FAQ|Wikimedia Commons]] ''Early registration for updates is now open via the '''[[m:Special:RegisterForEvent/2710|Event page]]''''' ''Stay connected and receive updates:'' * [https://t.me/WikiLovesRamadan Telegram channel] * [https://lists.wikimedia.org/postorius/lists/wikilovesramadan.lists.wikimedia.org/ Mailing list] We look forward to collaborating with you and your community. '''The Wiki Loves Ramadan 2026 Organizing Team''' 19:45, 16 January 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:ZI Jony@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Non-Technical_Village_Pumps_distribution_list&oldid=29879549 --> == Annual review of the Universal Code of Conduct and Enforcement Guidelines == <section begin="announcement-content" /> I am writing to you to let you know the annual review period for the Universal Code of Conduct and Enforcement Guidelines is open now. You can make suggestions for changes through 9 February 2026. This is the first step of several to be taken for the annual review. [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Annual review/2026|Read more information and find a conversation to join on the UCoC page on Meta]]. The [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee|Universal Code of Conduct Coordinating Committee]] (U4C) is a global group dedicated to providing an equitable and consistent implementation of the UCoC. This annual review was planned and implemented by the U4C. For more information and the responsibilities of the U4C, [[m:Special:MyLanguage/Universal Code of Conduct/Coordinating Committee/Charter|you may review the U4C Charter]]. Please share this information with other members in your community wherever else might be appropriate. -- In cooperation with the U4C, [[m:User:Keegan (WMF)|Keegan (WMF)]] ([[m:User talk:Keegan (WMF)|talk]])<section end="announcement-content" /> 21:02, 19 January 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Keegan (WMF)@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=29905753 --> == Redesigning the main page and its templates == I created [[User:Codename Noreste/MP]], which heavily borrows elements from [[:species:Template:Boîte colorée]]. Therefore, I would like to propose that we implement this on the [[Main Page]], and to set [[MediaWiki:Mainpage-title]] and [[MediaWiki:Mainpage-title-loggedin]] to blank (no content) so that the Main Page has a portal-like design. In addition, I would also like to propose that we rename the following templates, mainly for consistency purposes: * [[Template:Main page header]] to [[Main Page/Header]] * [[Template:Main Page Quote of the day]] to [[Main Page/Quote of the day]] * [[Template:Main Page Selected pages]] to [[Main Page/Selected pages]] * [[Template:Main categories]] to [[Main Page/Main categories]] * [[Template:New pages]] to [[Main Page/New pages]] * [[Template:Main Page Community]] to [[Main Page/Community]] With the possible exception of the new pages template, all other templates mentioned above would remain fully protected. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:10, 8 February 2026 (UTC) :Definite improvement and great idea to give it a spring clean but would it be possible to get all the columns to collapse on a smaller device? Mobiles dominate now so ideally WQ home page should read well in portrait mode. The top section, Main categories, Sister projects are all in columns that don't fit well or size on smaller devices. Quote of the Day maybe too, the smaller icons are quite hard to see. The images wrapping around in that section should be possible rather than flanking the text? The wikipedia home page sizes well on small screens. Possible to borrow from that? Sister projects for example. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 08:28, 8 February 2026 (UTC) ::Just had a quick look and I can see that would involve changing the templates used by the main page. Maybe produce a new version if needed rather than rename the legacy version as you suggest? [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 08:42, 8 February 2026 (UTC) :::Hi, [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]]. I will answer the following: :::* I don't think it's possible to collapse the columns for mobile, given that I am planning to use a TemplateStyles CSS page for them. :::* My plan is that, after I implement the new code changes to the templates, and after moving them quickly, I will try to fix the Main Page quickly. Alternatively, I can create the new versions and try to merge with their existing counterparts, but I feel hesitant to do so since [[Special:MergeHistory]] might be complicated. :::[[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:12, 8 February 2026 (UTC) ::::ok @[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]], I can see my mobile first suggestion (similar to Wikipedia) is a bit of a deviation from your plans. I haven't worked with the templates so I am not sure of the all technicalities, and can't see the MergeHistory page as I don't have admin rights. Doing things in stages rather than big bang definitely makes sense though as its easier to test and less likely to have unintended consequences. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 18:16, 8 February 2026 (UTC) :::::I'll go ahead and implement the changes by 00:00 UTC or maybe tomorrow given that there are no recent objections here. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:45, 8 February 2026 (UTC) : I am not familiar with many of the reasons which might exist for many of the formatting changes that have been going on, but have accepted them for the most part, and I will state that I have no objection to the above intentions — I had meant to state such earlier, but had distractions and other things to attend to earlier — as I do now. <small>''[[Dharma|So]] [[Necessity|it]] [[Kenosis|goes]]''[[Eternity|…]]</small><big> [[Monism|⨀]][[Awareness|∴]][[Life|☥]][[Peace|☮]][[Love|♥]][[Understanding|∵]][[Om|ॐ]] [[Karma|…]]</big>''[[Blessings]]''. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 22:51, 8 February 2026 (UTC) :Per the lack of objections raised, this is now {{done|implemented}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:54, 10 February 2026 (UTC) == Ongoing request for bureaucratship == There is an ongoing request for bureaucratship at [[Wikiquote:Requests for bureaucratship/Saroj]]. Community members are invited to review and comment. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 06:41, 11 February 2026 (UTC) == Adding Quote == i wanted to add a quote but dont know if i can/should. i dont know the guidlines for adding a quote and the citation needed for it [[User:Ducklan|Ducklan]] ([[User talk:Ducklan|talk]]) 18:37, 10 February 2026 (UTC) :Could you give more information? What is the quote and who said it? [[User:Cagliost|Cagliost]] ([[User talk:Cagliost|talk]]) 22:27, 10 February 2026 (UTC) ::theodore roosevelt-"By God! if you try anything like that, I’ll kick you, I’ll bite you, I’ll kick you in the balls, I’ll do anything to you—you’d better leave me alone." i dont know if it meets notable quote guidlines but its one of my alltime favorite quotes, also i dont know how to format it/the amount of citations needed [[User talk:Ducklan|Ducklan (Quack Back)]] 19:19, 11 February 2026 (UTC) :::I have found some sources and added it to [[Theodore Roosevelt#1880s]]. [[User:Cagliost|Cagliost]] ([[User talk:Cagliost|talk]]) 22:45, 11 February 2026 (UTC) ::::Thank you so much [[User talk:Ducklan|Ducklan (Quack Back)]] 20:40, 12 February 2026 (UTC) == Wikiquote not updating == Today, 2/14, I'm looking at wikiquote and it's still stuck on Wednesday 2/11. I wouldn't bring this up (again) but I used to be able to go the current date and find the quote for that day via some calendar link for all quotes. What happened to that? Looks like this page was revamped? It is clearer to read but looks like some older functionality was removed or moved? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-10052-36|&#126;2026-10052-36]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-10052-36|talk]]) 19:37, 14 February 2026 (UTC) :Which page are you referring to? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:22, 15 February 2026 (UTC) ::I'm referring to the old version of wikiquote. There was a link on the wikiquote page itself that let you look up quotes for any month or day. Then you could scroll through the years to see a specific quote for that month and day. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-10302-19|&#126;2026-10302-19]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-10302-19|talk]]) 17:38, 15 February 2026 (UTC) :::This is due to recent updates on [[Main Page/Quote of the day]], as discussed [[#Redesigning the main page and its templates|above]]. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 18:48, 15 February 2026 (UTC) ::::I went ahead and restored the subtitle below the QOTD. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:11, 16 February 2026 (UTC) == Thank You! == Thanks for the restoration! [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-10497-51|&#126;2026-10497-51]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-10497-51|talk]]) 17:30, 16 February 2026 (UTC) :Per the section above, I restored the headline below the quote(s). You're welcome. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:08, 16 February 2026 (UTC) == Create a local inactivity policy? == Even though we have an established [[Wikiquote:VOC|vote of confidence process]], by default we are covered by the global [[:m:admin activity review|admin activity review]] policy (2+ years of no edits and/or no logged actions) for administrators and bureaucrats. As the section says, I propose that we create a local inactivity policy, that administrator permissions may be removed after one year of no edits or logged actions. The procedure is that an inactive administrator can be listed [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship#Requests for flag removal|under the removal section of WQ:RFA]], unless you prefer to discuss the procedure otherwise. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 23:16, 11 February 2026 (UTC) * That's quite a coincidence, I was actually thinking of proposing a local inactivity policy just yesterday as well. I agree that having a clear local policy would help with accountability and ensure admin rights reflect active involvement. A one-year threshold seems fair, and using the existing removal section sounds simple and transparent. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 05:47, 12 February 2026 (UTC) *:About the policy, we could create a new section under [[Project:Administrators]] about it. Weirdly, it has a category saying it is a policy when it doesn't have {{tlx|official policy}} on it. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:00, 12 February 2026 (UTC) *::CC to [[User:Saroj|Saroj]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 13:13, 13 February 2026 (UTC) *:::Agreed, adding a dedicated section under [[Wikiquote:Administrators]] makes sense; it might not be an official policy yet (it currently uses [[:Category:Wikiquote policies]]), and using {{tlx|official policy}} automatically includes [[:Category:Wikiquote official policy]]. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 15:00, 13 February 2026 (UTC) *::::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]], given that there is minimal consensus, I have implemented the local inactivity policy per [[Special:Permalink/3896955|this permalink]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:51, 17 February 2026 (UTC) == Which one? == I was going through tweaking and changing some categories when I came across [[:Category:People from Georgia (country) by occupation]], I was wondering if we use just Georgia or Georgia (country) here, so that I could everything uniform. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 01:25, 18 February 2026 (UTC) :We've been using Georgia (country) to distinguish it from Georgia (U.S. state). ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:37, 18 February 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] So can I move the ones without the (country) to distinguish the two? [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:38, 18 February 2026 (UTC) :::Do you mean that you've found pages that just refer to 'Georgia', without referring to the country or the state? If so, then yes it would be good to specify which is meant. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:44, 18 February 2026 (UTC) ::::@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] I mean the ones in [[:Category:People from Georgia (country) by occupation]] as they are in the category of Georgia (country) [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:45, 18 February 2026 (UTC) :::::Sorry I think I get it now - are you referring to the subcategories for Businesspeople and politicians that just say ...from Georgia? Yes, those should be moved into ...from Georgia (country). Good catch. Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:48, 18 February 2026 (UTC) ::::::Thanks for the reply! [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:48, 18 February 2026 (UTC) ::::::All should be done. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:53, 18 February 2026 (UTC) == [[:meta:Wikimedia Café|Wikimedia Café]] session regarding the [[:Commons:Commons:Mobile_app|Wikimedia Commons mobile app]] == {{tmbox | image = [[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|45px]] | type=notice | text = Hello! There will be a '''[[:meta:Wikimedia Café|Wikimedia Café]]''' meetup on 7 March 2026 at 15:00 UTC, focusing on the '''[[:Commons:Commons:Mobile_app|Wikimedia Commons mobile app]]'''. Featured guests will be software developers [[User:Misaochan]] and [[User:RitikaPahwa4444]], and Wiki Project Med chair [[User:Doc James]]. Please see the Café page for more information, including how to attend. <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<span style="color:DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</span>]]</span> 07:20, 22 February 2026 (UTC) }} == AI-generated images == In general, are AI-generated images acceptable? I can imagine that they could be used in certain circumstances with good reason (a notable AI image, or used to illustrate a quote about AI). However, in general, I don't think we should permit the use of AI-generated images which have been generated specially for the article or which are not otherwise notable. For example, [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Donald_Trump&diff=prev&oldid=3891648 I removed one here]. It seems to me that if an illustration is needed, it should use a real image to illustrate reality, not a fictional image. If a real image cannot be found, that's probably a sign no illustration should be used. [[User:Cagliost|Cagliost]] ([[User talk:Cagliost|talk]]) 11:58, 10 February 2026 (UTC) :Wikipedia have a page on this topic: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:AI_image_use :although there are a few edge cases it looks like in general their use is discouraged if not entirely banned on WP. :maybe WQ could add something, not sure whether discouragement or a formal ban, it's not covered that I can see if this is the right place: https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Policies_and_guidelines :not been any recent updates so probably needs addressing. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 21:02, 1 March 2026 (UTC) == 2026 Iran War quotes == Lots of quotes have been added to [[2026_Iran_war]] by a single poster @[[User:Baratiiman|Baratiiman]]. Most of these are undated, despite my requests to add dates. They link to pages which either do not work for me or are in Persian. It's very hard to add quotes any more on this page as its such a mess. I'd happily sort by date if I could but it's being flooded with Iranian rhetoric which can't be checked exists or the translation verified. I'm sure it probably violates WQ policies? [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 11:32, 12 March 2026 (UTC) :much the same story here: [[Iran–Israel war]] [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 11:46, 12 March 2026 (UTC) == family guy == why do family guy wikiquote pages have this? "Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form." [[User:Warpfrz|Warpfrz]] ([[User talk:Warpfrz|talk]]) 14:58, 8 March 2026 (UTC) :example: [[Family Guy/Season 24]] [[User:Warpfrz|Warpfrz]] ([[User talk:Warpfrz|talk]]) 12:47, 9 March 2026 (UTC) :I have no clue why but there's no reason for some special IP notice for one television show. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 13:34, 9 March 2026 (UTC) :@[[User:Koavf|Koavf]]@[[User:Warpfrz|Warpfrz]] I have removed them all. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:44, 17 March 2026 (UTC) ::Thanks. —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 09:45, 17 March 2026 (UTC) == Wikimedia Global Watchlist == Not sure, how widely know about the [https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/Special:GlobalWatchlist GlobalWatchlist] is, but I find it very useful for monitoring multiple wiki projects, and I imagine even more so for people monitoring several languages. I have my own colour coding which I find it helps to see the links quickly: https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:GrimRob/common.css Example screenshot below with my custom colours: [[File:Wikimedia global watchlist screenshot.png|alt=global watchlist screenshot|thumb]] [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 10:42, 19 March 2026 (UTC) : Hi again. If you're back to this, it's a good place to tell that I'm rebuilding the global watchlist, in dozens of ways, to make it better and more useful. And if one specific change will be approved by Mediawiki, the address of the classes list will change, and I'm planning to tell you the new one, if and when. [[User:IKhitron|IKhitron]] ([[User talk:IKhitron|talk]]) 10:47, 19 March 2026 (UTC) == Something nice == I made a script to make requesting vfds much easier, [[User:PieWriter/vfd.js]]. Free feel to tell me how I can improve it. Thanks. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:20, 18 March 2026 (UTC) :Cool. Used it for Speed Grapher nomination. Definitely a big time saver. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 07:13, 19 March 2026 (UTC) ::One suggestion, if possible. Add "Delete as nominator" comment. Can't imagine there is ever a case where not wanted. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 07:16, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :::Sure, will work on it. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 08:02, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :::Should be done: [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=User%3APieWriter%2Fvfd.js&diff=3914586&oldid=3914578] [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 08:28, 19 March 2026 (UTC) ::::Worked great thanks. Minor thing but if Notability could be added to choices as seems to be most common reason. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 09:00, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :::::Sure! [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:17, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :::::Should be done [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:19, 19 March 2026 (UTC) ::::::thanks, looks good. I have exhausted my list of VfD, but will try it when I have someone else. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 10:35, 19 March 2026 (UTC) Sorry, it is not clear how one would use your script to request a VFD - can you add some description and/or instructions on its use for users that may not be as technically savvy? Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 13:35, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :You need to create a file called common.js in your own user space. Just copy the contents. :https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/User:GrimRob/common.js [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 14:45, 19 March 2026 (UTC) ::on the Tools menu you get an item called vfd which brings up a dialog. Tools menu does not appear on mobiles I believe. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 15:00, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :::Hmm, didn't see anything when I did that - not sure what I did wrong. No worries. But my point was more that when a new tool/script/gadget is created, if you want people to use it, it would be good to document some explanation (perhaps on the talk page) and direction on its use. Just good practice. Thanks. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 17:38, 19 March 2026 (UTC) :@[[User:UDScott|UDScott]] Here’s the docs: [[User:PieWriter/vfd]] [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 00:18, 20 March 2026 (UTC) ::Great, thanks! ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 12:27, 20 March 2026 (UTC) == Create a global rights policy? == I am initiating this proposal to create some rules for users in certain user groups (how they should use their rights), while we keep any bureaucracy at a minimum. Here is what I would propose: * [[:m:Abuse filter maintainers|Abuse filter maintainers]] and [[:m:Global interface editors|global interface editors]] may use their rights per their respective policy rules at Meta-Wiki. * [[:m:Global rollback|Global rollbackers]] may use some of their rights in the context of counter vandalism efforts (<code>markbotedits</code>, <code>noratelimit</code>, <code>rollback</code>, and <code>suppressredirect</code>). If they had the rollbacker user group removed locally (as a GR), they will have to request rollback locally. * For [[:m:Global sysops|global sysops]], we move the ''Non-regular administrators'' section text to the GRP, but we might want to consider importing some text from [[:n:en:Wikinews:Global permissions#Global sysops|English Wikinews' global rights policy]], and include [[Wikiquote:What Wikiquote is not]]. * [[:m:Stewards|Stewards]] may use their global rollback and global sysop permissions, use [[Special:Undelete]] to view deleted revisions in the course of their duties, and use the CheckUser and oversight permissions (per their respective policies), even if local CUs and OSs are appointed locally in the future. They are also permitted to delete pages with more than 5000 revisions (<code>bigdelete</code>) via a request at [[:m:steward requests/Miscellaneous|SRM]]. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 20:27, 2 March 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}}, it sets clear expectations and keeps things simple while improving transparency and consistency. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 08:50, 3 March 2026 (UTC) :{{support}} This would be a huge help as most of the current admins are inactive.@[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]], Just wanted to clarify on what you wanted to import from wikiquote, as stated in your 3rd point. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:47, 3 March 2026 (UTC) ::There is a section on [[Wikiquote:Administrators]] about non-regular administrators (global sysops and stewards). I plan to move that to the global rights policy. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:19, 3 March 2026 (UTC) :::I created [[Project:Global rights policy]] as a draft policy, so this proposal is now used to approve it as an official policy. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 02:03, 6 March 2026 (UTC) ::::@[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] What do we plan to do about Global Bots? [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:58, 6 March 2026 (UTC) :::::@[[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] Given that this project just now uses the standard bot policy, we can add information on what they can do here, but any tasks outside a global bot's scope can be requested locally. Also, I don't think we should copy some user group policies from other projects, such as Wikipedia or Wikibooks, and instead only focus on those global user groups that are truly global. I think we should limit the GRP only to global AFMs, global bots, GIEs, GRs, GSs, and stewards. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 17:53, 8 March 2026 (UTC) ::::::But shouldn’t the global right policy include all the rights as it is a global rights policy? We could remove some that aren’t relevant here. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 00:44, 9 March 2026 (UTC) :I'm not really active on Wikiquote. For this reason , my choice is to stay neutral. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 12:11, 3 March 2026 (UTC) :What about GRs using <code>checkuser-temporary-account</code>? As I understand the wording of this proposal would prohibit GRs from checking temporary account IPs. [[User:Tenshi Hinanawi|Tenshi Hinanawi]] ([[User talk:Tenshi Hinanawi|talk]]) 23:06, 21 March 2026 (UTC) ::I don't think so. Some wikis' global rights policies do not say about the usage of checkuser-temporary-account. Th ey must agree and follow the WMF's policy on using it. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:48, 22 March 2026 (UTC) == Global ban for Faster than Thunder == Hello, this is a message to notify that there is a global ban for {{user|Faster than Thunder}} at [[:m:Requests for comment/Global ban for Faster than Thunder]]. Per the [[:m:Global bans|global ban]] policy, you are receiving this notification because the user made at least 1 (deleted) edit. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 02:09, 22 March 2026 (UTC) == QOTD sizing issue on main page == QOTD is really hard to read on the main page due to being crushed between two images. This is a screenshot from my tablet which is actually quite wide, and it's just as bad in landscape. It's almost impossible to read as it's so narrow. [[File:WQ sizing issue.png|thumb]] Do we really need two pictures? If we had one and let the text wrap around it, it would size ok in pretty much any resolution? The other Wikiquotes I have looked at just have one image in the equivalent slot, e.g. https://de.wikiquote.org/wiki/Hauptseite [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 17:25, 23 February 2026 (UTC) :Because of that, shouldn't we use just one image on the left or right, and add a {{tlx|cquote}} template? This might solve a potential issue on what you are describing. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:51, 2 March 2026 (UTC) ::I think just one image on the left would perhaps work, cquote would work as well for a different look with out image on left, e.g. [[User:GrimRob/QOTD]]. In either case having images on left and right crushes text on anything but a wide screen. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 13:23, 4 March 2026 (UTC) :::ok here's the other way. I have [[User:GrimRob/QOTDTemplate|my own template]] based on the existing one, and it just uses the left image. I've kept image2 in just to minimise changes. Here it is with the QOTD:[[User:GrimRob/QOTDExample|QOTDExample]]. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 19:03, 4 March 2026 (UTC) Similar concerns about image count/size on main page were raised years ago. I would agree to limiting the QOTD to one image (on the left side to balance out the image illustrating the new pages section). ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 04:04, 7 March 2026 (UTC) :As I have probably said above, that's a good idea. I also have a suggestion: why don't we use random quotes or Quote of the Week instead of Kalki creating new QOTD pages every day? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:55, 7 March 2026 (UTC) ::Thanks. I don't have permissions otherwise I would be happy to make the change but if I was going to change [[Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template]] then I would make it like [[User:GrimRob/QOTDTemplate]] (apart from the name). ::Automating it also seems a good idea. We have thousands of quotes we could use so you might as well do it every day as every week once it's set up. Occasionally maybe if some signficant figure died you occasionally might want to tweak a pre-planned quote. Worse case scenario if it's not been pre-prepared then the quote from the same day as last year gets recycled? [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 16:23, 7 March 2026 (UTC) :::We could adopt the same logic as what [[:q:fr:|French Wikiquote]]'s main page quote section does. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:37, 7 March 2026 (UTC) ::::Sounds a good idea, no need to reinvent the wheel. If I understand their system, e.g. [https://fr.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Citations_du_jour/janvier_2026 Jan 2026], anyone can enter a quote for the day (most days they don't) otherwise it uses the [https://fr.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mod%C3%A8le:Citation_du_jour/Switch Switch template] to generate one. ::::What's to stop someone putting something inappropriate though? I seem just to be able to volunteer tomorrow's QOTD, or go back and change previous ones? [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 16:50, 7 March 2026 (UTC) :::::Pinging @[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:58, 7 March 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] how can I make the change to the template? It just needs my the content of my [[User:GrimRob/QOTD]] page to be copied over it. There seems to be broad agreement on this change (the much wider issue of workflow won't have any impact). I guess I need to ask someone to do it, or be given the permissions (at least temporarily). [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 21:34, 13 March 2026 (UTC) :::@[[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] Before I implement such a change to the template, I decided to redo a revised version on [[User:GrimRob/QOTDTemplate]], using the image and {{tlx|Cquote}} together under the code table. [[User:GrimRob/QOTD]] and [[User:GrimRob/QOTDNewTemplate]] may not look good to use on QOTDs, and I hope implementing the revised version to the template would not break any previous QOTD quotes. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 23:41, 15 March 2026 (UTC) ::::I am happy with either approach, feel free to adopt whatever you feel is best. I have made the image narrower in the example as it didn't size well on a mobile screen. Obviously it's up to the QOTD creator to pick a suitable size. But definitely an improvement on what we have now. Thanks @[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 10:52, 16 March 2026 (UTC) ::::@[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] actually there is one further thing. I left the parameter called image1 instead of image so it wouldn't break all the existing pages (e.g. [https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Wikiquote:Quote_of_the_day/March_14,_2026 Mar 14]). Not sure if you are going to create a new template or overwrite the existing one but that was my reasoning for leaving the name as is, to avoid a breaking change. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 11:01, 16 March 2026 (UTC) :::::@[[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] and @[[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]]: {{done}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:15, 24 March 2026 (UTC) ::::::Great, thanks for doing that. Home page looks much better now on smaller devices. @[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 18:26, 24 March 2026 (UTC) ::::::: @[[User:Codename Noreste|Codename Noreste]] Thank you, this looks great. It's definitely a step in the right direction. One thing I should perhaps note is that this change seems to be affecting all historical QOTD pages. I don't think that's ideal unless there's no technical alternative. ::::::: In terms of possible enhancements: I noticed you had to manually reduce the image size [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Wikiquote:Quote_of_the_day/March_25,_2026&diff=prev&oldid=3919046 here]. Would it be possible to "force" the smaller size (which the community already agreed on) directly in the QOTD template itself? Finally, though out of scope here, I'd like to flag two other possible enhancements: :::::::* There's currently no wikilink on the author's name. Could this be added (so readers can easily click through to see more quotes by that author)? :::::::* I'd also favor including the source of the quote as part of the template, since that's one of the things that distinguishes Wikiquote from most other quote websites. (This has been suggested before by [[User:Ningauble]].) ::::::: Thanks again. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 05:27, 25 March 2026 (UTC) * I have just posted today's selection for QOTD, but must be leaving in the next few minutes for probably at least a few hours, and definitely do not have time to give any extensive response to any of the above suggestions. I will state that I believe the current system of posting and ranking of suggestions which have been in place for about twenty years now is a far superior system to any which have been suggested to replace it, especially some of these most recent proposals. I will attempt to explicate some of the many reasons why in a response I will try to post within the next day or so. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;{{text default color}};">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 00:11, 8 March 2026 (UTC) *:Can we have a separate thread for the QOTD workflow, which is a much bigger topic, this thread is a relatively minor one about a change about removing an image which is ready to go? I'll create a new thread. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 11:48, 8 March 2026 (UTC) == Categorisation question == Do we use <code>Films about … </code> or <code> … films</code> (Example: [[:Category:Monster films]] vs. [[:Category:Films about reptiles and amphibians]])? [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:37, 17 March 2026 (UTC) :I think it's better to use 'Films about...'. Recently, many categories have been created in this format, and I also use it personally. It keeps things more consistent with English Wikipedia's categorization style. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:25, 17 March 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] Thanks for the reply, I will work on moving the other categories then. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 00:54, 18 March 2026 (UTC) ::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] Is it possible to have pseudobot? There are a few hundred pages to move. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:26, 18 March 2026 (UTC) :::Granted. Please remove the group from your account once finished. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 09:32, 18 March 2026 (UTC) ::::Thanks, will do. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:34, 18 March 2026 (UTC) :::::@[[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] Just a note: not every category needs to be in the “Films about …” format. Some categories work better as “… films,” depending on context and common usage. Please be careful when moving pages and check each case individually. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 09:57, 18 March 2026 (UTC) ::::::Yes, I leave the ones that work better as is and only moves the ones that are better in the other format. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:58, 18 March 2026 (UTC) ::::I have done about half from [[:Category:Films by theme]], will do the rest tomorrow. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:20, 18 March 2026 (UTC) ::::@[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] Can I have pseudobot again? I am back to working on the cats [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 10:44, 25 March 2026 (UTC) :::::{{Done}} [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 11:52, 25 March 2026 (UTC) == Proposal to change QOTD workflow == This is a new thread spun off from [[Village_pump#QOTD_sizing_issue_on_main_page]]. It was suggested that we adopt the French WQ system with countersuggestion by @[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]. [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 11:51, 8 March 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} changing the QOTD workflow to one where by default (as fallback) the QOTD is randomly selected from a pool of high-quality quotes. This would guarantee there's always a quote displayed, even if no one manually prepares one that day. We would still allow manual overrides for special occasions or particularly fitting selections. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 00:20, 9 March 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} This seems like a reasonable way to ensure continuity. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE;{{text default color}};">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:42, 28 March 2026 (UTC) * '''Strongly OPPOSE'''. Currently there has for roughly twenty years been a page for ''each'' day of the year for suggestions, which though relatively few people have usually actively contributed to or voted on the suggestions, has actually provided a broad range of selections to actively consider for most days, most of the time, and from the start of this system there has been considerate selection based primarily on the rankings provided, always with the option of adding new suggestions, especially in the cases of major recent events of note (most commonly the recent death of notable figures). <br /> This suggestion seems to me to be a proposal for extremely inept mechanistically randomized selections with little or no regard to the potential and actual complexities of relevant contexts or considerations on any day at all, totally randomly out of a pool of ''nominally'' "high-quality quotes" with an extremely dubious and unspecified criterion of what actually ''constitutes'' "high-quality" and how this is to be either initially or ultimately decided. <br /> Even in the current pools of suggestions for each day there are many quotes which many people have ranked highly which have also been ranked very poorly by just one or two others, which significantly lowers their general availability, and some suggestions which generally seem of very dubious or clearly poor quality to most people that yet a few people are inclined to rank highly, including some promoting various forms of ethnically or politically based oppression, injustices, and denigration of human beings. I believe this proposal simply provides greater means and opportunities for the most obnoxious and noxious misanthropic or denigrative statements to be slipped into the "pool", with a nearly guaranteed objections to any "manual overrides for special occasions" that might not suit the various specific or general misanthropic impulses of some. '''I perceive nothing else than usually a ''likelihood'' of far poorer selections, and ultimately a far greater and perhaps nearly constant state of contention over selections than have ever existed in the roughly two decades of the current systems of daily considerate selection from the pages of ranked suggestions of those who choose to participate in providing or ranking them, with the continuously available options of providing new suggestions until the selections are actually made.''' ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver;{{text default color}};">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 05:55, 28 March 2026 (UTC) *: On the "high‑quality" point: I would suggest the pool be drawn from well-established, curated public‑domain compendiums of quotations such as ''[[w:Bartlett's Familiar Quotations|Bartlett's Familiar Quotations]]'' (which has already been imported into Wikiquote by [[User:BD2412|BD2412]]). ''Bartlett's'' alone contains thousands of quotations—likely enough to support two decades' worth of QOTDs—and could serve as a non‑controversial fallback to ensure continuity. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 11:39, 28 March 2026 (UTC) == Kalki is accused of degrading Wikiquote == [[File:LuMaxArt_Golden_Family_With_World_Religions.jpg|thumb|[[Religions]] are different roads converging to the same point. What does it matter that we take different road, so long as we reach the same goal. Wherein is the cause for quarrelling? ~ [[Mahatma Gandhi]] ]] <!-- I altered the arrogantly asinine POV-pushing heading with which this section was hostilely begun. ~ Kalki 2026·03·25--> This is a great website. But for many years I've been frustrated by @[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] inserting his irrelevant, half-baked New Age ideas into every article he can get his hands on. "Every religion is one, we are all one human family" seems to be the message. He's entitled to his beliefs, but should he be allowed to slather them over the entire site? I don't think so. If he's serious about them, he can put them onto his own website rather than inserting them into the mouths of everyone he can do so on here, and at the expense of everyone who may not wish to be confronted with them constantly. He may think he's doing humanity a service, but this is not the way to do it. [[User:SpigottoCorenzo|SpigottoCorenzo]] ([[User talk:SpigottoCorenzo|talk]]) 16:39, 24 March 2026 (UTC) :To start this on the right foot, go back to whatever your original account was and continue the conversation from there. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 10:48, 25 March 2026 (UTC) :::I will confess that I do believe that the most mentally and morally well-developed and wise individuals of most cultural traditions can and do "get along" with sincere appreciations of the virtues and worth of many others within and beyond their particular traditions, and that has indeed been an attitude I have indicated as a primary creator of pages and content on the project, for over 22 years here, probably much to the consternation of some of those inclined to believe otherwise. I will also note that this assertion that with indications of such an attitude I am "degrading" Wikiquote is actually the very first edit made by the above account on this project. ::: I am very well aware that vary many forms of narrow bigoted religious or cultural [[w:Supremacism|supremacism]] are inclined to object to and oppose any forms of broad tolerances and appreciations of humanity with extremely ambiguous and broadly dismissive terms as "wokeness", or even the rather old and quite dated label "New Age", as if to accept or even acknowledge the existence or admirability of "Diversity, Equity and Inclusion" were intolerable "oppression" of their apparently "full-baked" ideologies of the supposed sacredness of their pretensions to superiority or even assumptions of supremacy over all others. To provide any indications of broader senses of appreciation than their own is often counted as intolerable "suppression" of their particular brands of nonsense. ::: I am all too acquainted with fact that mentally and morally warped notions that acceptance and assertion of the rights of human beings to exposure to broad appreciations of diverse ideas rather than ONLY some narrow cultural supremacist ideologies or other such nonsense is something "degrading" to anything but their own particular sense of absolute "supremacy", but it is a relatively new twist on old nonsense to imply that providing accurate quotes of individuals is expressing their own ideas to be "inserting them into the mouths" of these individuals. '''I have added and used notable and accurate quotes of people of various religious and political faiths, as well as agnostics, atheists, anarchists, and absurdists perceiving many of the absurdities in many forms of human assumptions and assertions.''' ::: The edit of posting the above accusation against me on this page was followed by a typo correction on the page of [[Sri Aurobindo]] soon after another new account {{user|Iklak999}} had made trolling edits on it removing a quite relevant image from that page and two others with declarations "Removing irrelevant art which Kalki seems to love inserting everywhere"; on that page the image was used in conjunction with Aurobindo's assertion: "[[Religions]], [[creeds]] and forms are only a characteristic outward [[sign]] of the [[spiritual]] impulsion and religion itself is the intensive [[action]] by which it tries to find its inward [[force]]. Its expansive movement comes in the [[thought]] which it throws out on [[life]], the [[ideals]] which open up new horizons and which the intellect accepts and life labours to assimilate." ::: On the page for [[G. I. Gurdjieff]] it was used with his quote indicating his rejection of shallow vacuous idolatries and assumptions in regard to various forms of faith: "[[Conscious]] [[faith]] is [[freedom]]. [[Emotional]] faith is [[slavery]]. Mechanical faith is [[foolishness]]. ::: On the page for [[Mahatma Gandhi]] it was used with the statement with which it is posted here, in which symbols for major world religions are posted around the circumference of one of the most-used modern "Peace" symbols, with an ideographic representation of a human family at the central region of the image. I am sure many extremists would prefer I defer to their intolerant attitudes and actions, or actually join them in their forms of aggressively narrow POV-pushing, and censorship of any or all other views other than their own, but I am quite glad to state that such is not likely to happen. ::: I will probably soon attempt to address other issues I have observed going on here in recent weeks — but I know that I will be extraordinarily busy with many important things elsewhere for at least several more days, and probably longer. I will also note that I composed most of this response prior to the remarks posted below, by someone who has been hostilely trolling me for some years. As I am not inclined to agree with or defer to his strong anti-Islamic attitudes he has declared me to be a "friend" of such [[Islamist]] extremists as [[ISIL]] and other appallingly [[murderous]] [[terrorists]]. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 11:44, 25 March 2026 (UTC) + tweaks ::::Brevity is the soul of wit. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 12:18, 25 March 2026 (UTC) ::::How do you justify the inclusion of this crap on the page of [[Joseph de Maistre]], an extremist Catholic? [[User:SpigottoCorenzo|SpigottoCorenzo]] ([[User talk:SpigottoCorenzo|talk]]) 21:09, 25 March 2026 (UTC) ::I made another account earlier in the day with what I believe was a stupid name which would influence the spirit of this conversation negatively, so I made this new account subsequently. If there's any other information I can offer you, let me know. [[User:SpigottoCorenzo|SpigottoCorenzo]] ([[User talk:SpigottoCorenzo|talk]]) 21:15, 25 March 2026 (UTC) :::@[[User:SpigottoCorenzo|SpigottoCorenzo]] You know this is [[Wikiquote:Sock puppetry]] right? [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 09:42, 26 March 2026 (UTC) [[File:JUL Iris Soul Palm.png|thumb|144px|Kalki's POV pushing on [[Dinah Craik]] (and countless other pages)]] : I share the concern. Just to give an example for the community's consideration: while adding a couple of quotes from the 19th-century novel ''John Halifax, Gentleman'' to the [[Dinah Craik]] page recently, I noticed that it (like so many other author pages that Kalki has edited) is filled with stock images only tangentially connected to the quotes. In particular, the "New Age" image to the right (it wouldn't surprise me if Kalki created it) is very heavily used by Kalki on Wikiquote, but never used on Wikipedia... If a quote so much as mentions the word "Hand", woe be to its author—Kalki will add that image with the Wheel of Dharma on it, even if the author is a Christian. I don't think this is appropriate. ~ [[User:DanielTom|DanielTom]] ([[User talk:DanielTom|talk]]) 09:48, 25 March 2026 (UTC) ::Yes I remember one of the first things that really alerted me to @[[User:Kalki|Kalki]]'s vandalism was the inclusion of these images on the page of [[Joseph de Maistre]] of all people. The images clutter pages and make them uglier, and the quotes attached, which are usually cherry-picked, all relate to his obsession. [[User:SpigottoCorenzo|SpigottoCorenzo]] ([[User talk:SpigottoCorenzo|talk]]) 21:00, 25 March 2026 (UTC) ::: '''There are many distortions of facts, and there are clearly some quite provably FALSE statements presented as if they were facts, in recent assertions by some.''' I remain far too busy to deal with any matters here extensively for at least a few days — I have just completed an extensive timetable of my attempt to attend to MUCH activity elsewhere in the next 48 hours — but I just took the time check in here very briefly, and actually looked at [https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?title=Joseph_de_Maistre&action=history the history of edits to the "Joseph de Maistre" page] which I am accused of having "vandalized" — and will note the FACT that it has NEITHER of these mentioned images in it, and '''''I never added ANY images at all to that page''''', and the ''ONLY'' edits I made to it at all were a couple in 2010, on the day it was created by an anon IP, where I added a few links from Wikipedia, and added the caption of his famous statement:''' "Every nation gets the government it deserves" '''to the only image on the page at that time. That remains the caption to that image to this day. '''Someone else who did very extensive work on the page — adding ''most'' of the quotes on it — also added an available image of multiple religious symbols to use with the caption "Either every imaginable institution is founded on a religious concept or it is only a passing phenomenon" which I certainly find to be an appropriate use of such an image.''' So much for that being "remembered" as "one of the first things that really alerted me to @Kalki's vandalism."<br /> I expect to be engaged in nearly constant work elsewhere for most of the next couple of days, and will probably not even have time to even check in here much until next week, let alone address any issues extensively, but hope to do so sometime within the next week or so. <small>''[[Dharma|So]] [[Necessity|it]] [[Kenosis|goes]]''[[Eternity|…]]</small><big> [[Monism|⨀]][[Awareness|∴]][[Life|☥]][[Peace|☮]][[Love|♥]][[Understanding|∵]][[Om|ॐ]] [[Karma|…]]</big>''[[Blessings]]''. ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 10:12, 27 March 2026 (UTC) :: The symbol within the hand, like most representations of wheels, crosses, the sun and rainbows is an ambiguous one such as used by many diverse and even conflicting religious and social traditions which is described as a "representation of Light shining in darkness, with a spectral ring circling it with colors of the rainbow, equatable with a Dharma wheel or Solar cross, amidst a radial matrix, web, or net of dark and light configurations". ~ <span style= "border-radius:99em;color:white;background:silver">♞[[User:Kalki/Kalkiswords|☤]][[User:Kalki/Magic|☮]]♌︎[[User:Kalki|Kalki]] [[User talk:Kalki|⚚]][[User:Kalki/index|⚓︎]]⊙[[User:Kalki/Chronology|☳]][[User:Kalki/Vox Box|☶]]⚡</span> 12:44, 25 March 2026 (UTC) :[[Wikiquote:Image use policy]] says: "An image that is not a literal representation of the subject of the page may be removed by any editor who believes it to be inappropriate. Thereafter, it should not be re-added without first obtaining consensus on the article talk page." :So please do just remove these images when you come across them. [[User:Ficaia|Ficaia]] ([[User talk:Ficaia|talk]]) 16:13, 25 March 2026 (UTC) ::Thank you, I appreciate the reply. [[User:SpigottoCorenzo|SpigottoCorenzo]] ([[User talk:SpigottoCorenzo|talk]]) 20:52, 25 March 2026 (UTC) : I don't know if "degrading" is an appropriate term, but certainly making it weird. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE;{{text default color}};">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:42, 27 March 2026 (UTC) * I've blocked OP as an obvious sock, and no, I don't mean of the I-made-an-account-earlier-today type. They're free to explain how they've had years of conflict with Kalki and yet this account has been used for nothing but to immediately come here and stir up some drama. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 12:16, 27 March 2026 (UTC) *:I agree with GMG’s decision [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 12:17, 27 March 2026 (UTC) *:: I agree with the block, but I also agree with the broader proposition that we should not be overusing one set of ambiguous images. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE;{{text default color}};">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:43, 28 March 2026 (UTC) == Can't reply to a message on the Village Pump == I can reply on other pages I have tried. If I try on the VP I get this message. > The "reply" link cannot be used to reply to this comment. To reply, please use the full page editor by clicking "Edit source". Looked at this article and couldn't see anything it mentions. https://www.mediawiki.org/wiki/Help:DiscussionTools/Why_can%27t_I_reply_to_this_comment%3F#The_%22reply%22_link_cannot_be_used_to_reply_to_this_comment It used to work until a day or so ago. Anyone else got this problem (assuming you can reply somehow!)? [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 10:37, 28 March 2026 (UTC) : I have to reply to myself by editing the markup.[[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 10:40, 28 March 2026 (UTC) ::It happened to me as well, after I updated the headers. The problem was at {{tlx|Headers/end}}, and it was because it was missing an extra div tag. I just fixed it, and the reply tool works again. My apologies. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:40, 28 March 2026 (UTC) :::Great, thanks👍 [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 16:36, 28 March 2026 (UTC) == Upcoming Wikimedia Café meetup regarding the [[:meta:Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan/2026-2027|the 2026-2027 Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan]] == {{tmbox | image = [[File:Wikimedia Café logo in plain SVG format.svg|45px]] | type=notice | text = Hello! There will be a '''[[:meta:Wikimedia Café|Wikimedia Café]]''' meetup on '''Saturday, 11 April 2026 at 14:00 UTC''' ([https://zonestamp.toolforge.org/1775916000 timestamp conversion tool]), focusing on the [[:meta:Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan/2026-2027|the 2026-2027 Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan]]. The featured guests will be <span class="plainlinks">[https://meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:KStineRowe_(WMF) Kelsi Stine-Rowe]</span> (senior manager, [[:meta:Movement Communications|Movement Communications]], Wikimedia Foundation), and <span class="plainlinks">[//meta.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Samwalton9_(WMF) Sam Walton]</span> (senior product manager, [[:mw:Moderator Tools|Moderator Tools]], Wikimedia Foundation). <br /> In addition to this Café session, [[:meta:Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan/2026-2027/Collaboration|several additional meetings regarding the Annual Plan are listed on the Collaboration page]], and you may participate on the [[:meta:Talk:Wikimedia Foundation Annual Plan/2026-2027|talk page]]. <br /> This Café meetup will be approximately two hours long. Attendees may choose to attend only for a part. Please see the Café page for more information, including [[:meta:Wikimedia Café#Signups for the April 2026 session|how to register]]. <br /> [[File:Buntstifte Eberhard Faber crop 64h.jpg|860px|alt=cropped image of colored pencils]] }} <span style="white-space:nowrap;">[[User:Pine|<span style="color:#01796f;text-shadow:#00BFFF 0 0 1.0em">↠Pine</span>]] [[User talk:Pine|<span color="DeepSkyBlue">(<span style="color:#FFDF00 ;text-shadow:#FFDF00 0 0 1.0em"><b>✉</b></span>)</span>]]</span> 05:31, 29 March 2026 (UTC) == Creating [[Wikiquote:Criteria for inclusion]] == Is it true that Wikiquote criteria for inclusion is covered in [[Wikiquote:Deletion policy]]? If so, what about creating [[Wikiquote:Criteria for inclusion]] as a redirect? Coming from Wiktionary background, I am familiar with the "Criteria for inclusion" headword and find it convenient to try to find something under it. --[[User:Dan Polansky|Dan Polansky]] ([[User talk:Dan Polansky|talk]]) 09:14, 18 March 2026 (UTC) : {{re|Dan Polansky}} We do have [[Wikiquote:Quotability]]. [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE;{{text default color}};">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 04:40, 27 March 2026 (UTC) :: {{re|BD2412}} Great, thank you. So what about redirecting [[Wikiquote:Criteria for inclusion]] to [[Wikiquote:Quotability]] to increase findability? --[[User:Dan Polansky|Dan Polansky]] ([[User talk:Dan Polansky|talk]]) 06:12, 30 March 2026 (UTC) :::Redirects are cheap. [[User:GreenMeansGo|<span style="font-family:Impact"><span style="color:#07CB4B">G</span><span style="color:#449351">M</span><span style="color:#35683d">G</span></span>]][[User talk:GreenMeansGo#top|<sup style="color:#000;font-family:Impact">talk</sup>]] 09:44, 30 March 2026 (UTC) ::::By what GMG said, feel free to create the redirect. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:18, 30 March 2026 (UTC) ::::: {{done}}. Cheers! [[User:BD2412|<span style="background:#F2E6CE;{{text default color}};">''BD2412''</span>]] [[User talk:BD2412|'''T''']] 03:40, 31 March 2026 (UTC) == Action Required: Update templates/modules for electoral maps (Migrating from P1846 to P14226) == Hello everyone, This is a notice regarding an ongoing data migration on Wikidata that may affect your election-related templates and Lua modules (such as <code>Module:Itemgroup/list</code>). '''The Change:'''<br /> Currently, many templates pull electoral maps from Wikidata using the property [[:d:Property:P1846|P1846]], combined with the qualifier [[:d:Property:P180|P180]]: [[:d:Q19571328|Q19571328]]. We are migrating this data (across roughly 4,000 items) to a newly created, dedicated property: '''[[:d:Property:P14226|P14226]]'''. '''What You Need To Do:'''<br /> To ensure your templates and infoboxes do not break or lose their maps, please update your local code to fetch data from [[:d:Property:P14226|P14226]] instead of the old [[:d:Property:P1846|P1846]] + [[:d:Property:P180|P180]] structure. A [[m:Wikidata/Property Migration: P1846 to P14226/List|list of pages]] was generated using Wikimedia Global Search. '''Deadline:'''<br /> We are temporarily retaining the old data on [[:d:Property:P1846|P1846]] to allow for a smooth transition. However, to complete the data cleanup on Wikidata, the old [[:d:Property:P1846|P1846]] statements will be removed after '''May 1, 2026'''. Please update your modules and templates before this date to prevent any disruption to your wiki's election articles. Let us know if you have any questions or need assistance with the query logic. Thank you for your help! [[User:ZI Jony|ZI Jony]] using [[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 17:11, 3 April 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:ZI Jony@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Non-Technical_Village_Pumps_distribution_list&oldid=29941252 --> : English Wikiquote is not included on the page change list, so there is nothing for us to do here. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:21, 4 April 2026 (UTC) == Discontinue [[Wikiquote:Requested entries]] and its subpages? == Hello, everyone. I would like to propose that we discontinue [[Wikiquote:Requested entries]] and its subpages (themes for article creations). The reason is that some people ask questions unrelated to requesting new articles, there is occasional vandalism here and there, and some of these subpages have never been edited in a few years. In addition to that, unregistered and new users can create articles directly in the mainspace, so what's the point of having the requested entries project page? Therefore, when discontinuing them, they should be fully protected (from edits and moves) and marked with {{tlx|historical}}. Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:59, 27 March 2026 (UTC) : It doesn't encourage people when the items at the top are years out of date. I agree. Not everyone realises that they can just start typing and create content themselves, so maybe keep the "be bold" text about making it yourself, with perhaps a link directly to a relevant page with some info on what to do? e.g. [[Help:Starting_a_new_page]] .[[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 10:49, 28 March 2026 (UTC) ::To clarify, does your comment above mean you support this proposal? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:02, 29 March 2026 (UTC) :::Yes. The rest falls into "if it's easy"... [[User:GrimRob|GrimRob]] ([[User talk:GrimRob|talk]]) 15:45, 29 March 2026 (UTC) :It is kinda useless at this point, it is rarely used and almost no one knows about it. [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 23:40, 9 April 2026 (UTC) :It can sometime be used in the right way. If we go on "[[Wikiquote:Requested_entries/People]]" , "[[Wikiquote:Requested_entries/Movies]]" or "[[Wikiquote:Requested_entries/Music]]". :We can find some real requests. I gave only three examples. :If we go on "[[Wikiquote:Requested_entries/Radio]]" , this is empty. :"[[Wikiquote:Requested entries]]" and child pages like "[[Wikiquote:Requested_entries/Music]]" seems to be mainly inactive. :If this function is rarely used. Should we protect the pages then archive these ? I don't know. :As I'm not an experienced user on Wikiquote. I haven't a strong opinion. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 01:22, 10 April 2026 (UTC) == Change the protection icons and use the protected page text templates? == Hi, I would like to propose that we utilize the {{tlx|protected page text}} templates on [[MediaWiki:Protectedpagetext]]. Currently, that interface message is vague, which doesn't mention what level of protection a page is under. In addition, I would like to propose changing the protection icons to match the English Wikipedia/Wikibooks/Wikimedia Commons: {{collapse top}} [[File:Full-protection-shackle.svg|thumb|60px|link=|Full protection]] [[File:Extended-protection-shackle-account-pro-plus.svg|thumb|60px|link=|Autopatroller protection]] [[File:Semi-protection-shackle.svg|thumb|60px|link=|Semi-protection]] [[File:Move-protection-shackle.svg|thumb|60px|link=|Move protection]] [[File:Cascade-protection-shackle.svg|thumb|60px|link=|Cascade protection]] [[File:Create-protection-shackle.svg|thumb|60px|link=|Creation protection]] {{collapse bottom}} Thoughts? [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 15:34, 6 April 2026 (UTC) :Sounds fine to me. ~ [[User:UDScott|UDScott]] ([[User talk:UDScott|talk]]) 16:22, 6 April 2026 (UTC) :: I will implement the changes by Friday (tomorrow) if there are no objections. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:23, 9 April 2026 (UTC) :I agree with the suggestion. [[User:Anatole-berthe|Anatole-berthe]] ([[User talk:Anatole-berthe|talk]]) 17:12, 9 April 2026 (UTC) : {{done|Done, mostly}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:13, 10 April 2026 (UTC) == Proposal on the bots page == Feel free to take a look: [[Wikiquote talk:Bots#Split the bot request part to its own page?]]. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 16:06, 15 April 2026 (UTC) == Ongoing RfA == An RfA is currently open at [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship/PieWriter]]. Community members are invited to participate and leave comments. [[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 10:59, 16 April 2026 (UTC) == Why are quotes no longer underneath photos? == When I look at wikiquote on my phone all I see is a picture until I swipe left or resize the he frame the I see the quote smashed to the right of the photo? Why did this change? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-21862-27|&#126;2026-21862-27]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-21862-27|talk]]) 16:42, 9 April 2026 (UTC) : On [[User:Codename_Noreste/sandbox|my sandbox]], I am attempting to figure out a redesign. Anyway, about the change, context can be found at [[#QOTD sizing issue on main page]] for implementing the new change. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 17:08, 9 April 2026 (UTC) : @[[User:~2026-21862-27|~2026-21862-27]] I fixed the issue. The quote (picture and all), except the underlying subtitle, is slidable, but it is now better. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 22:15, 19 April 2026 (UTC) == [[Wikiquote:Requests for permissions]] == I created this page for non-administrators to request access to various permissions, such as autopatroller, patroller, rollbacker, etc.; the rollbacker and temporary account IP viewer sections were previously located at [[Wikiquote:Requests for adminship]], before I overhauled that page solely for users to request administrator access and other advanced permissions. Thank you. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 05:04, 20 April 2026 (UTC) == Wiki Loves Bangla 2026 has started, Join Now! == <div style="padding:15px; font-size:120%; line-height:1.6; margin:10px 0; border:2px solid #c90023; background-color:#FFFFFF;{{text default color}}; border-radius:8px;"> [[File:Wiki Loves Bangla wordmark logo-en.svg|right|100px|frameless|link=Commons:Wiki Loves Bangla 2025]] Hello, We are excited to announce that [[c:Commons:Wiki Loves Bangla 2026/en|Wiki Loves Bangla 2026]] has started! This year’s theme focuses on '''Bengal festivals''', inviting participants to capture and share images and videos of the diverse cultural celebrations across Bengal. '''[[c:Commons:Wiki Loves Bangla|Wiki Loves Bangla]]''' is an international photography contest on Wikimedia Commons aimed at documenting Bengali culture and heritage worldwide. It is organised annually as part of the [[meta:Bangla Culture and Heritage Collation Program|Bangla Culture and Heritage Collation Program]], with a dedicated theme each year. '''How You Can Participate''', it's easy and simple, and every upload contributes to the world's largest free knowledge repository: [[File:পাতি মাছরাঙ্গা (Alcedo atthis), জাতীয় উদ্ভিদ উদ্যান ঢাকা.jpg|thumb|right|200px|link=Commons:Wiki Loves Bangla 2025|Winning image from Wiki Loves Bangla 2025. ''Attribution: [[User:Ashraf747|Ashraf747]] / [[CreativeCommons:by-sa/4.0|CC BY-SA 4.0]]'']] * '''Capture''': Take photos or videos of Bengal festivals. * '''Upload''': Share your files to Wikimedia Commons between '''14 April and 15 May 2026'''. * '''Win''': A total of '''USD 1,100''' in prizes. Ready to get started? [https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:UploadWizard&uselang=bn&campaign=Wlbangla Click here to upload your media], or visit the [[Commons:Wiki Loves Bangla 2026/en|main project page]] for full details. Your contributions help document and preserve Bengal’s rich cultural heritage for the world. For any questions, email us or join our [https://t.me/WikiLovesBangla Telegram group]. Warm regards,<br> '''Wiki Loves Bangla Team'''. <nowiki>#WikiLovesBangla</nowiki> </div> [[User:Moheen|Moheen]] ([[User talk:Moheen|talk]]) 20:34, 21 April 2026 (UTC) == Request for comment (global AI policy) == A [[:m:Requests for comment/Artificial intelligence policy|request for comment]] is currently being held to decide on a global AI policy. {{int:Feedback-thanks-title}} [[User:MediaWiki message delivery|MediaWiki message delivery]] ([[User talk:MediaWiki message delivery|talk]]) 00:58, 26 April 2026 (UTC) <!-- Message sent by User:Codename Noreste@metawiki using the list at https://meta.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?title=Distribution_list/Global_message_delivery&oldid=30424282 --> == Using the proposal template == I am planning to switch the draft templates (listed on [[Wikiquote:WikiProject Policy Revision]]) to use {{tlx|proposal}}, which combines {{tlx|policydraft}} and {{tlx|guidelinedraft}} into one together. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 14:43, 28 April 2026 (UTC) == Enable the SandboxLink extension? == I would like to propose enabling the SandboxLink extension on this wiki, because it would be convenient for a user to be able to access their sandbox; according to <span class="plainlinks">[https://en.wikiquote.org/w/index.php?search=sandbox&title=Special%3ASearch&profile=advanced&fulltext=1&ns2=1 this search]</span>, many editors have their own userspace sandboxes. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 00:30, 20 April 2026 (UTC) * {{support}} —[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''vf</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 00:48, 20 April 2026 (UTC) * {{support}} [[User:PieWriter|PieWriter]] ([[User talk:PieWriter|talk]]) 00:52, 20 April 2026 (UTC) * {{Support}} This would be a great extension to have. Having to manually type out the sandbox link every time is quite inconvenient. --[[User:Saroj|Saroj]] ([[User talk:Saroj|talk]]) 02:55, 20 April 2026 (UTC) * {{done|I filed [[phab:T424863]]}}. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 18:09, 29 April 2026 (UTC) == Public domain filter == Hi, Is there anyway to filter quotes/works by a public domain category? I need to ensure quotes I'm using are only those in the public domain. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-28650-43|&#126;2026-28650-43]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-28650-43|talk]]) 12:49, 12 May 2026 (UTC) :There is no easy way to do that at present. There is a very dormant proposal for a [[:m:Structured Wikiquote|version of Wikiquote that has strucutred data]], but there has not been any progress on it. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 15:15, 12 May 2026 (UTC) == Discussion at [[Wikiquote talk:Administrators]] == I started a discussion whether to approve [[Wikiquote:Administrators]] as an official, local policy. Editors are encouraged to participate. Thank you. [[User:Codename Noreste|<span style="color:#0024FF">Codename Noreste</span>]] ([[User talk:Codename Noreste|talk]] • [[Special:Contributions/Codename Noreste|contribs]]) 19:21, 13 May 2026 (UTC) j4ze0x1obkmm7l2lbyd7nhx8fq59ibo 0 297664 3954207 3834451 2026-06-18T17:17:14Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Activists from Ethiopia]]; ±[[Category:Women activists]]→[[Category:Women activists from Ethiopia]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954207 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Bogaletch Gebre 2015 (cropped).jpg|thumb|Bogaletch Gebre]] '''[[w:Bogaletch Gebre|Bogaletch Gebre]]''' ([[1950]] – [[November 2|2 November]] , [[2019]]) was an Ethiopian scientist and activist. == Quotes == *I will keep doing it whether you put me in jail, or you kill me. I'll die doing what I believe. **[https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(19)33146-0/fulltext She asserted her unwavering stance against violence and discrimination against women] *I tell them my own story—how I grew up, went to school, how I struggled, and how I was mutilated. **[https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(19)33146-0/fulltext She expressed her empathy, commitment, and determination to eradicate female genital mutilation (FGM)] *I am from them. I speak from reality. I touch their reality. **[https://news.siu.edu/2024/02/022924-siu-alumna-global-public-health-expert-to-speak-about-equality-at-ryan-bioethicist-lecture.php She expressed her empathy, commitment, and determination to eradicate female genital mutilation (FGM)] *There is no prescription. You make a commitment, then everything you do speaks to you if you are willing to listen. For social change, you must go to the people, to really listen to them and learn from them. It is all about commitment. As a young girl when I spoke to elders, I had to look at their feet, not their faces. As an adult, I stood in front of a congregation of 800 men, women and children. I said female genital mutilation is not prescribed in the Bible or the Koran. So where did the practice come from? Why are we ‘correcting’ God’s work? Everything is contextual. **[https://kbfafrica.org/stories/bogaletch-gebre/ She explained how KMG brought transformation to communities] *When speaking to women about equality, it was a total awakening. When they said they have no recourse if their husbands beat them, I explained their constitutional, legal and human rights. We learned how to link the political, economic and social problems that affect women’s lives. They have the capacity to change. But real change must happen within communities. Everyone must teach each other and learn that what is good for women and girls is good for the community. **[https://news.siu.edu/2024/02/022924-siu-alumna-global-public-health-expert-to-speak-about-equality-at-ryan-bioethicist-lecture.php She explained women’s rights] *From birth they need equal opportunities to help them understand that their intrinsic value is the same as men. Education is key, even though they are expected to follow in their mothers’ footsteps and perform household chores for their entire lives. It’s working. Just last week we awarded 390 girls with above a 3.5 grade point average. They will go to university. If a girl is given an equal footing, she will find her own space and voice in life. **[https://kbfafrica.org/stories/bogaletch-gebre/ She explained how young girls can build self-confidence] *Women were regarded as no better than the cows they milked, My mother’s life was a nightmare. I don’t know how she survived. She was a very intelligent, very wise woman, but all her life she was abused and beaten – for nothing. She had her back stooped, her legs broken, her jaw broken, even though she did everything right. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/obituaries/2020/01/20/bogaletch-gebre-activist-fought-against-fgm-bridal-abductions/ She described her mother] *Yes, I could have had a better house and gone jogging on the beach or gone to a spa every weekend, But is that what life is all about? Could I have stayed there knowing my sisters were being cut and abducted and turned into servants? **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/obituaries/2020/01/20/bogaletch-gebre-activist-fought-against-fgm-bridal-abductions/] *In the long run, stronger women create stronger communities, stronger women create a stronger nation, and stronger women create a stronger Africa. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/obituaries/2020/01/20/bogaletch-gebre-activist-fought-against-fgm-bridal-abductions/ Her response when she received a “Women of the Decade in Community Leadership” award] *Daddy, you lived your time. This is our period, our children’s period. We don’t want to kill our children. I hope you are wise enough to accept that. **[https://www.telegraph.co.uk/obituaries/2020/01/20/bogaletch-gebre-activist-fought-against-fgm-bridal-abductions/ Her message to community elders] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Gebre, Bogaletch}} [[Category:Women scientists from Ethiopia]] [[Category:Women's rights activists]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Women activists from Ethiopia]] [[Category:2019 deaths]] h80hddogacpjzdssqscy14icc3xpr8t 0 300044 3954236 3954078 2026-06-18T17:52:54Z Voltlds 780530 3954236 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''{{w|Zootopia 2}}''''' (known as '''''Zootropolis 2''''' in some European countries) is a 2025 American animated [[w:Buddy cop|buddy cop]] [[w:Comedy film|comedy film]] produced by [[w:Walt Disney Animation Studios|Walt Disney Animation Studios]] and released by [[w:Walt Disney Pictures|Walt Disney Pictures]] as well as the studio's 64th feature-length film. A sequel to ''[[Zootopia]]'', it follows Judy Hopps (voiced by [[w: Ginnifer Goodwin|Ginnifer Goodwin]]) and Nick Wilde (voiced by [[w:Jason Bateman|Jason Bateman]]) as they pursue reptile Gary De'Snake (voiced by [[w:Ke Huy Quan|Ke Huy Quan]]) across Zootopia and try to clear their names after being framed. :''Directed by {{w|Jared Bush}} and {{w|Byron Howard}}. Written by Jared Bush.'' {{center|1='''They're back with a twissst.'''}} {{film-stub}} ==Judy Hopps== * Hopps and Wilde in pursuit of suspect! * Stop in the name of the law! * ''[looking around Nick's apartment]'' Yikes... No wonder you never invite me over. ''['''Nick:''' Foxes are solitary.]'' * Stop pulling my ears, stop pulling my ears! Never pull a bunny's ears, never pull a bunny's ears! * We have to solve this case. * You know, I used to dream... of infiltrating a place like this. * Check the perimeter, snoop a little, we find nothing, we bail. But if I'm right, no-one will question whether you and I belong together again. We need this. * We took an oath to protect this city, and justice doesn't run. * The sooner everyone sees a fox and a bunny can be great partners, the better. * It's called an arrest, sweetheart. ''['''Nick''': A-boom.]'' * Agree to disagree. ==Nick Wilde== * Sorry, could you show me that clip again? Wasn't wearing my glasses. * Play it smart, stay off the radar, and don't let them get to you, okay? 'Cause we are the dream... team. ''[accidentally throws the soda can through the wall]'' Sorry, Paul. ''[Paul frustratedly growls and the soda can sprays him away]'' * No snake has set foot in Zootopia in forever, okay? Even if they had feet. * Well, can't win 'em all. * ''[upon seeing Chief Bogo at the Zootennial Gala]'' Bogo alert. * Oh, is my ''discomfort'' hilarious to you? * Oh my god -- a viper! ''A vindow viper.'' Ja? ''[laughs]'' * You know, this is not your worst idea. ''['''Judy''': Wow, that was almost a compliment.]'' Your worst idea is what you did with your ears. ''[Judy punches him in the stomach]'' * You're the one who said we needed a bust. Just follow my lead, okay? Act casual. * ''[to Judy]'' Loving tour time with Woodchuckles. Great call. ''['''Judy''': We need her.]'' Oh, yeah. Like a hole in the head. ''[an dolphin bartender glares at him, blows his blowhole]'' Bad timing? * You want to fit in? Commando is not gonna cut it. It's not just the clothes, okay? ''[in a cool tone]'' It is the ''vibe''. * Carrots, hey, I would like to call a partner meeting! * Hey, Flash, Flash, 100-yard dash! Partner's in trouble, need to get across town, ignore the laws. ''['''Flash''': No... problem!]'' * Love you, Partner. ==Gary De'Snake== * I'm really sorry, but this is my family's only chance to return home. * Hurt him? Snakes never hurt anyone. We aren't the bad guys. They are. And this journal holds the secret that will prove it. I have to prove it. Please. This is my only chance to set things right, and when I do, my family will finally be able to come home. * My family's been trying to prove we're not what everyone thinks for 100 years. But even this close, they'd never want me to put the weight of the world on my shoulders. Because ''[shrugs his coils]'' I don't have any shoulders! ''[chuckles]'' * We shall succeed. * Permission to hug? ==Nibbles Maplestick== * If you wanna talk to a reptile, I am your gal. * When Zootopia was founded, this whole neighborhood got cut off from the rest of the town. It's the only place where you can get away with wearing a shirt and no pants. *''[to the Lynxleys]'' Hey, Whiskers! You're done hurting my city! ''[the Lynxleys brandish their claws at her and Gary]'' Uh-oh. Tides have turned. ''[to Mayor Winddancer]'' Hey! Brian Winddancer! You wanna be a hero, or just play one on TV? * Breathe it in! * Zootopia ain't just a "mammal city". It has a secret tiny reptile population. * My only question is: is he gonna be wearing half a pants... or one long sock? * ''[upon spotting a long sock on a clothesline; tearing up]'' One long sock. * It takes two to tango, but a threesome to be some! * It takes a threesome to be some, but a fourway to bust your doorway! ==Pawbert Lynxley== * ''[to Judy; chuckling as he holds out his paw]'' Paw! Uh, Pawbert. I am Pawbert. Hi. * '''I'M GONNA ''BURN'' IT ALL TO THE''' '''''GROUND!''''' '''I'M A REAL''' '''''LYNXLEY!''''' ''[maniacally laughs before he gets knocked out with a frying pan from behind]'' ==Gazelle== * I will remember you, zebra! * We are with you, Judy Hopps. * We meet again, zebra. * Here come the horns! * ''[sings]'' Come on, get on up/ We're wild, and we can't be tamed/ And we're turnin' the floor into/ A zoo, ooh, ooh/ Come on, keep it up/ It's fun if you're down to play/ And we're turnin' the floor into/ A zoo, ooh, ooh ==Dialogue== :'''Peter Moosebridge''': New mayor and former actor, Brian Winddancer, hailed the two during celebrations for the 100th anniversary of the invention of Zootopia’s weather walls, that allowed all environments and all animals to co-exist in one city. :''[At Zootopia's City Hall, the new mayor, Winddancer gives a speech in-front of the Zootopian crowds.]'' :'''Mayor Winddancer''': This is our Zootennial! And if a lowly country bunny and a shifty, likely criminal fox can ignore their vast, vast differences and solve bias and stereotype forever, then maybe we can all embrace our differences and be ''better Zoogether''. :''[As cameras flash, Judy and Nick find themselves in the light, Nick looks the littlest bit uncomfortable, while Judy looks proud and ready to seize the day.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[Judy adjusts Nick’s tie, tosses off his sunglasses, and fixes his posture.]'' We’re gonna crack a new case, make the world a better place, and be the greatest partners of all time! ''[chuckles as she playfully punches Nick]'' I mean, we’re not that different. ''[a camera flashes at their poses]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Antony Snootley, the customs inspector, realizing Judy and Nick are cops.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[chuckles]'' :'''Finnick''': ''[spits out his pacifier and looks up at him]'' Toot toot. :'''Antony Snootley''': ''[gasps in panic]'' It's the '''''FUZZ!''''' ''[pushes Nick aside and runs]'' :'''Judy''': Stop! Stop in the name of the law! :'''Antony Snootley''': Everybody run! ''[drives off in the catering van]'' :'''Nick''': Well, can't win 'em all. :''[Behind Nick and Judy, the frantic pig in a hog rod fiercely honks at them.]'' :'''Frantic Pig''': Get outta the road, you dumb bunny! :'''Judy''': ''[scoffs]'' Agree to disagree. <hr width=50%> :''[As Judy and Nick are in Chief Bogo's office, the latter groans, as he and the other ZPD officers are displeased with them ruining Ebenezer Lynxley's statue.]'' :'''Judy''': Sir, today may not have been ideal, but the anteater was captured... :'''Chief Bogo''': By the Zebros! :'''Zebros''': ZEBROS!! ''[they both high-five]'' :'''Chief Bogo''': SHUT IT!!! :'''Zebros''': <small> Zebros... </small> :'''Judy''': It was us. But more importantly, I believe that we have made a significant discovery. ''[opens a case file]'' The stolen van contained a smuggled crate from overseas, pamphlets for the Zootennial, and some type of reptile skin. I've already sent samples for testing. And... :'''Chief Bogo''': ''[slams his hoof down on the case file]'' What needs testing is ''you''! You two tore up ''half the city''! Because of ''you'', we had to call in Jumbo Unit ''[turns on the TV to show a news report of Zeke, a dik-dik struggling in a tuba]'' to remove a '''DIK-DIK FROM A TUBA!!!!''' :'''Otter''': ''[on TV]'' You're almost out! You're gonna be-- :'''Zeke''': ''[on TV; panicked]'' Please no, please NO...! :''[An elephant officer picks up the tuba and blows through it with his trunk, launching Zeke into the air.]'' :'''Otter''': ''[on TV]'' Who's catching him?! :'''Nick''': Sorry. Could you show me that clip again? ''[puts on his pig sunglasses]'' Wasn't wearing my glasses. ''[Judy glares at him]'' :'''Chief Bogo''': Did you or did you not disobey a direct order to ''stand down''?! :'''Judy''': Sir, we were in pursuit, and Article 6, Paragraph B states if the lead officers think that-- :'''Hoggbottom''': ''You'' are not lead officers! You're one-hit wonders who should go back to meter-maiding and sligging Pawpsicles! :'''Nick''': ''If'' I may, I think someone's just jealous that we got to drive the Squealmobile. ''[Fern snorts in shock]'' Or... maybe you thought it was your mama! :''[Fern squeals in anger.]'' :'''Chief Bogo''': ENOUGH!!! Everybody, ''[in high-pitched voice]'' out! :''[The ZPD officers (except Judy and Nick) leave Bogo's office.]'' :'''Chief Bogo''': ''[sighs; to Judy]'' Officer Hopps, despite my best efforts to avoid it, I like you. But this need to... overdo it made both of you a headline today. And it reflects badly on me, on the department, and, frankly, on any bunny hoping to follow in your footsteps. Not every case to going to save the world. :''[Judy comtemplates about what Chief Bogo said, until...]'' :'''Nick''': ''[interrupts]'' Knock, knock. ''[standing next to a waste bin]'' Hi. You know, this kinda... this sounds a lot like a... "just a you guys" conversation, so what I'm gonna do is: I'm gonna go ahead and... ''[prepares to leave]'' :'''Chief Bogo''': ''[rolls his eyes]'' Is there a reason why you don't take ''anything'' seriously? :'''Nick''': Jokes are a classic defensive mechanism for someone with a traumatic childhood. :'''Chief Bogo''': ''[glares at Nick]'' Would you like a traumatic ''adulthood''? :'''Nick''': ''[opens his mouth to retort before removing his glasses and backing away]'' I would not. :'''Chief Bogo''': I allowed you to work together because you did this city a great service, but today, you messed it all up. And now, some are questioning whether you should have been partners in the first place. :'''Judy''': But, sir... :'''Chief Bogo''': So, instead of chasing imaginary reptiles, I am pulling you from the field... :'''Judy''': ''[shocked]'' What?! ''[Nick frowns]'' :'''Chief Bogo''': ...and giving you a new assignment, reserved for special teams like yourselves. Fail at this, and I will have no choice but to ''split you up''. There will be no more Hopps and Wilde. ''[Judy and Nick exchange worried glances]'' But... if you're as good as you think you are, ''[gives Nick the flyer]'' this is your moment to shine. ''[shuts the door]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Judy and Nick are in Partners in Crisis with Dr. Fuzzby, the ZPD quokka therapist, and the other officers.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': Welcome to Partners in Crisis, a workshop for duos heading for disaster. ''[chuckles]'' I am your therapy animal, Dr. Fuzzby, and you are here because mismatched pairings often need a little more work to make them... work. :''[An armadillo officer, Greg is grooming his partner's fur, picking out bugs. His partner, Marlon Grizzby, is gesturing in a way showing he's uncomfortable.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': ''[off-screen]'' Greg, ''[Greg pauses]'' we talked about that. :''[Greg stops grooming Marlon, sighing and groaning.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': What are we making Marlon? Uncomfortable. Yes. :''[An elephant officer, Francine, screams when she see a mouse, Clark.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': And Francine, Clark may be a mouse, but he is your partner first. :''[Officer Clark squeaks, and Francine hits her forehead.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': ''[off-screen]'' And we have two new ''“apart-ners.”'' :''[All the officers look at Judy and Nick.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': ''[to Judy]'' Can you tell us about your journey to ''dysfunction junction''? :'''Judy''': ''[looks around awkwardly]'' Well, we’ve been official partners for one week, ''[poking Nick]'' happy anni-versa-ry! And we're not dysfunctional at all, actually. Functioning fine - better than fine! And we ''did'' sorta save the city, so us being here kinda seems like a ''huge'' misunderstanding. :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': ''[nodding; to the rest of the group]'' Notice how she answered first, did not allow her partner to speak, seems to be in a state of denial, ''[Judy looks at her disturbingly]'' and taps her foot when she's suppressing discomfort. :''[Judy notices her foot is tapping and stops it. Nick smiles and chuckles]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': ''[notices]'' And observe the source of her discomfort, represented by the disconnected affectation of her emotionally-insecure partner. :''[Nick frowns as Judy smirks at him]'' :'''Marlon''': Oh... :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': But with hard work, they'll be on the same page by year two! ''[Judy and Nick stare confusedly]'' But for now, let's begin by greeting our teammate. Who'd like to go first? ''[Joel, an elk, raises his hoof]'' Thank you, Joel. :''[Joel smiles at Karen, a honey badger, who proceeds to choke him]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': Okay, unfortunately, Karen has chosen to see Joel's smile as a sign of aggression. ''[starts spraying]'' Hackles down, Karen. Karen, hackles down. ''[singing]'' Joel, the safe word is "coconut". :'''Joel''': ''[while Karen chokes him]'' Coconut! '''Coconut'''! :''[Nick and Judy exchange shocked looks]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Judy''': We have to set another meeting with the chief. Promise we’ll be better. ''[as she opens her locker, she finds it filled with insults about the pursuit, courtesy of the Zebros, she glares at them in annoyance]'' :'''Zebros''': ''[arrogantly]'' (In your face, loser.) Zebros. ''[high-hoof each other in terrible pride]'' <hr width=50%> :''[As Judy and Nick leave the ZPD building, the other officers mock them for destroying Ebenezer Lynxley's statue]'' :'''Gene Zebrowski''': ''[mockingly]'' Look, everybody! Roll out the red carpet, here's the Super Cops! Woo! :'''Higgins''': Ça marche! Allonzi! :'''Bloats''': Woo! :'''Sheep cop''': Fox and bunny! :'''Gene Zebraxton''': Hey, what does the fox say? You suck! :''[Upon realizing Zebraxton insulted Nick, Judy tries to confront him about it.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[fondly pushes Judy away]'' Easy, partner. ''[leaves the building with Judy]'' Let me ask you somethin': Do you think we're a good team? :'''Judy''': Of course! I just... I just wish I knew what we had to do to ''prove'' it to everyone else. :'''Nick''': Or... maybe we don't have to prove anything to anybody. :''[Judy and Nick look behind them, seeing the ZPD officers still taunting them from behind the door.]'' :'''Judy''': Hm... ''[smiles]'' We do. Forever. ''[throws a "Partnership for Dummies" book to Nick]'' :'''Nick''': ''[catches the book]'' Oof! ''[gazes at the book curiously]'' :'''Judy''': And the sooner everyone ''[as Nick gazes at her]'' sees a fox and a bunny can be great partners, the better. ''[walks away as Nick amorously gazes at the book]'' Enjoy it! I got two! :'''Nick''': ''[singing]'' I'd rather chew off my own arm. :'''Judy''': ''[waving from a distance]'' Happy anniversary! :''[Nick stares at the book Judy gave him, scoffing softly as he leaves]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Judy enters her apartment and muzzletimes her parents, Bonnie and Stu]'' :'''Bonnie''': ''[on videocall, calling Judy]'' So, saw you on TV. You okay? :'''Judy''': [''closes the door with her foot]'' Everything's fine, Mom. :'''Stu''': ''[via MuzzleTime]'' Uh-oh, everyone knows "fine" is a cry for help. You know what else cried for help? That dik-dik stuck in that tuba. :'''Bonnie''': Oh, him and that dik-dik. What does your fox partner say? :''[As the scene switches to Nick's apartment, where Nick is on the couch, popping open a jar of peanut butter, as he settles in to watch a Winddancer action movie, "The Neighsayer 2" on [[w:Hulu|Huluzoo]]. His feet lay on a coffee table and contents spill.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[voiceover]'' Well, Nick’s not really a... talker. :'''Bonnie''': ''[voiceover; phone call]'' Well, you two are very different. ''[Nick sits in his small apartment. He looks at his "Partnership for DUMMIES" book, but he didn't use it to read it; instead, he uses it to balance his coffee table.]'' Small-town hero raised on a farm-- :''[The scene switches back to Judy's apartment with Judy on her phone.]'' :'''Stu''': ''[on phone screen]'' --big city crook raised on the streets. :'''Gram Gram''': ''[as she grabs Stu's phone in the video call]'' I pray every day that you’ll come back home and make babies! :'''Bonnie''': Mom! :'''Stu''': ''[after taking the phone from Gram Gram]'' Just remember the first rule of partnerships: you can be right or you can be happy. :'''Bonnie''': That's true. :'''Stu''': There’s nothing wrong with dying a little inside so you can meet in the middle. :'''Judy''': Guys-- :'''Bonnie''': ''[as Stu pushes her out of the picture]'' Okay honey, you’re pushing me out. :'''Stu''': I wanna make sure I can be seen. :'''Bonnie''': Well, if she could see both of us-- :'''Judy''': Okay! Gotta go! Work to do-- :'''Bonnie''': Bye, Bun-Bun. :'''Stu''': Everything’s gonna be fine. You two just need a new case! Hey, maybe try to find that dik-dik! :'''Judy''': ''[starting to end the call]'' Got it. Love you. Bye! ''[hangs up]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Gary De'Snake reveals himself in front of everyone at the Zootennial Gala]'' :'''Mayor Winddancer''': '''''THERE'S A SNAKE!!!!!''''' :''[The Zootopians start running and screaming]'' <hr width=50%> :''[During the chase scene at the Lynxley Manor, a lion chef's hat is knocked off, revealing [[w:Ratatouille (film)|a rat/mouse controlling him by pulling his mane.]]]'' :'''French Chef''': ''[gasps; points at the lion]'' I knew it! <hr width=50%> :''[While trying to escape from the Lynxleys, Gary startles, swinging around, landing on Chief Bogo's head and fangs him. One of Gary's fangs came out and got stuck, so Judy pulls it out until Hoggbottom and Truffler arrive.]'' :'''Hoggbottom''': '''Hopps! What did you do?!''' :'''Cattrick''': ''[points to Judy]'' They're helping the snake! They tried to kill the chief! <hr width=50%> :''[After Judy and Nick escape from the Lynxley Manor, Milton questions Mayor Winddancer. Cattrick and Kitty face him as well, standing on either side of Milton.]'' :'''Mayor Winddancer''': Uh, we, uh... We're gonna take that snake down. :'''Milton''': ''[angrily]'' And the fox and that ''rabbit!'' Do you know how many mayors they've already destroyed? :'''Mayor Winddancer''': ''[thinks while tapping the floor two times with his back hoof]'' 1, 2... I got up to 2. :'''Milton''': Would you like to be 3?! ''[Mayor Winddancer shakes his head "no"]'' I want them gone! :'''Mayor Winddancer''': But aren't there... ''laws?'' :'''Milton''': ''[coming closer to Winddancer]'' I will say this once, ''Brian.'' You will retrieve the journal and bury them. Or maybe I chose the wrong mayor. Did I choose the wrong mayor? :'''Mayor Winddancer''': ''[gulps]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Mr. Big’s polar bears, Raymond and Kevin, put Judy and Nick in the trunk of his limousine and take them to Fru Fru's purse warehouse.]'' :'''Fru Fru''': Welcome to my warehouse! ''[to Judy]'' Oh my god, I love your dress. :'''Judy''': Oh, thank you. :'''Mr. Big''': Fru Fru and I are now equal partners in the family business. She brings wonderful ideas for crime and for fashion, while I get more time to focus on what matters most: Being grand-papa to my little Judith. :''[Fru Fru's daughter, a toddler shrew named Judith, walks over.]'' :'''Judith''': ''[holds out her hand, wearing a candy ring on one of her fingers]'' Kiss my ring! :''[Nick smiles at Judy, chuckling in amusement.]'' :'''Mr. Big''': '''KISS THE STINKING RING RIGHT NOW! KISS IT!''' :'''Fru Fru''': '''KISS IT! YOU KISS IT RIGHT NOW! KISS IT!''' :''[Nick quickly and awkwardly kisses Judith's ring.]'' :'''Judith''': Nonno, you said we were gonna make cement shoes for Mr. Weaselton. :'''Mr. Big''': Ah, that's my girl. ''[Judith grins maliciously]'' :'''Nick''': They grow up so fast. :'''Mr. Big''': '''YOU RUN YOUR MOUTH TOO MUCH!''' :'''Fru Fru''': '''THAT'S MY DAUGHTER! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH, FOX!''' ''[Nick flinches as Judy glares at him, which he notices and gives her a shrug with a "What?" look]'' :'''Mr. Big''': Anyways, you're in trouble, and we like one of yous, so we're here to help. :'''Fru Fru''': ''[a polar bear gives Nick a duffel bag]'' New clothes, new identities, truck outta town leaves in an hour, and your meter-maid cart is taken care of. :''[A polar bear throws Judy and Nick's meter-maid cart in a trash compactor before praying to himself.]'' :'''Judy''': I think you misunderstand. We've been framed by the lynxes, and an innocent snake needs our... :'''Mr. Big''': ''[as Judith climbs on his lap]'' Judy, the Lynxleys are killers, and they have no honor, and this Tundratown expansion only makes them more dangerous. Territorial animals will do anything for more land. So, if whatever you're tangled up in threatens their plans, you're dead. You don't fight the cats, you leave. :'''Judy''': Sir, I know you're trying to look out for us, but we took an oath to protect this city, and justice doesn't run. :'''Nick''': ''[wearing a fake moustache]'' On behalf of myself, ''[reads his and Judy's fake I.D.'s]'' Rick Wilde and Miss Trudy... Cabbagepatch. We thank you for your truck to salvation and... ''[Judy rips off his fake moustache]'' Yow! :'''Judy''': We cannot accept your offer. We are helping that snake. :'''Nick''': ''[muttering]'' Boy, you're really tossing that "we" around. :'''Judy''': Snakes may have been framed for the fanging of that tortoise. Do you have any idea why or how this book could prove it? ''[shows the journal to Mr. Big]'' :'''Mr. Big''': I wish I did. But if it has to do with snakes, your best bet is talking to a reptile. :'''Judy''': Do you know any? :'''Mr. Big''': Almost no one does. They keep to themselves, hide out in Marsh Market. :'''Fru Fru''': But you can still find 'em. You just need to find a reptile expert, someone local who knows where to go. Lucky for you, I met someone. ''[gives Judy Nibbles' business card]'' She runs a podcast! <hr width=50%> :''[To uncover the secret of the journal, Judy and Nick are tasked with consulting Nibbles for help, much to Nick's dismay.]'' :'''Nick''': No, no, Trudy Cabbagepatch; Rick Wilde says "''no''". :'''Nibbles''': Oh, yeah! ''[drives by Nick and Judy]'' If Hopps and Wilde are on the lam, subtle sleuthin' 'tis my jam! ''[kicks her car's passenger door open]'' Woo! ''[dusts off the seats]'' Mind the splinters. ''[Judy tries to pull Nick toward the car as he resists]'' Oh, you called the right beaver. If you wanna talk to a reptile, I ''am'' your gal. Also, if you need to talk to a jackalope, which are ''real'', Mom! :'''Nick''': ''[chuckles as he pulls Judy away]'' Excuse us; Team meeting. ''[to Judy]'' Vetoing the beave, new vote. ''[raises his paw and tail]'' All in favor of truck to being alive and laying low 'til this blows over-ville? ''[chuckles]'' I mean... :'''Judy''': Hopps and Wilde do not bail on a case. :'''Nick''': ''[whispering about Nibbles]'' But she's crazy; Probably lead poisoning from eating too many pencils! ''[sees Nibbles chewing on two pencils and spitting out a splinter]'' :'''Judy''': Do you know a reptile who can tell us the hidden secret in here or why lynxes framed the snakes? ''[Nick tries to answer, but sighs in defeat]'' Twenty-four hours, sunrise tomorrow. If we strike out, then we go into hiding and Judy Cabbagepatch it is. ''[extends her paw to Nick]'' :'''Nick''': ''[groans reluctantly as the truck drives away]'' It's ''Trudy'' Cabbagepatch and the safe word is "coconut". ''[steps in the car alongside Judy]'' :'''Nibbles''': ''[to herself]'' In the darkness of a dank underpass, they stepped into the vehicle, not realizing their lives were about to change. :'''Judy''': Because... we're gonna meet a reptile? :'''Nibbles''': ''[excited]'' Because you're about to be best buds with ''Nibbles Maplestick''! ''[Judy smiles, while Nick looks at her in surprise]'' Takes two to tango, but a threesome to be somethin'! ''[drives off to Marsh Market]'' Let's find you a reptile and romp the swamp! <hr width=50%> :''[At the Marsh Market, Judy and Nick were walking with Nibbles to the dock to take a ferry to get to the reptile hideout.]'' :'''Nick''': Well, I've been hustling the streets since I was twelve. I think I can handle a juggling seal. :''[A sea lion juggler who is nearby gives Nick an annoyed look.]'' :'''Nibbles''': '''''Sea'' lion.''' ''[to the sea lion juggler]'' He's not from around here. :'''Nick''': But coin's a coin. ''[drops a coin into the sea lion's bucket]'' :''[But a coin makes him angry at Nick.]'' :'''Nibbles''': Oh no, change... ''[takes out the coin from the bucket with a sign says, "No change, only fish"]'' is a choking hazard. :'''Nick''': Well, ''[pats on the sea lion’s flipper]'' honest mistake. :''[But the sea lion juggler roar at him.]'' :'''Nibbles''': ''[chuckles; points to a sign that says, "Do not touch."]'' '''Do not do that!''' :'''Judy''': Let's let Nibbles handle this. :'''Nibbles''': ''[ushers Judy and Nick down the dock as the sea lion glares]'' Thank you, Judith. <hr width=50%> :'''Nibbles''': Conversing with these beautiful sea creatures is like talkin' to anyone a little different. Just takes open and respectful communication. ''[throws a large fish in Judy and Nick's arms and rings a bell; a large walrus named Russ emerges from the water with a plunger]'' Hey, bub. :'''Russ''': Hey, bub. :'''Nibbles''': Hey, bub. :'''Russ''': Hey, bub. :'''Nibbles''': Hey, bubba, hey. :'''Russ''': Hey, bub, hey. :'''Nibbles''': Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub. :'''Russ''': Bub-bub-bub-bub-bub-bub. :'''Nibbles''': Hey, bub. ''[mimics a record scratching]'' :''[Nick and Judy exchange confused glances]'' :'''Russ''': Hey, pfft, bub-bub. :'''Nibbles''': Hey, bub, pfft, bubby-bub. :'''Russ''': Hey, bub, pfft! Hey, bub. Hey-ho! :'''Nibbles''': Hey, bub-bub. :'''Russ''': Hey, bub. :'''Nibbles''': Seen Jesús? :'''Russ''': Yup. ''[grabs the fish with his plunger, eats it, and dives back into the water, soaking Nick]'' :'''Nick''': ''[removes his soaked hat]'' And now, we leave town. <hr with=50%> :''[Judy, Nick, and Nibbles rides on Russ while on their way to the reptile hideout.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[to Judy]'' Thank you for this. :'''Judy''': ''[wishes Nick a happy 100th anniversary]'' Happy anniversary. :'''Russ''': Oh, it's your anniversary? ''[turns on the LED lights; sings [[w:Bella_Notte|Belle Notte]]]'' :''[Judy smiles awkwardly and Nick frowns in discomfort.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[At the reptile hideout, an iguana server sets down a plate of worms.]'' :'''Nibbles''': Oh, I'm good, ''[pushes the plate towards Judy and Nick]'' but these guys look hungry. :'''Judy''': Thank you for meeting with us. We believe snakes were framed for something in this journal, perhaps pertaining to— :'''Jesús''': Eat first, talk second. :''[So Nick and Judy eats worms. Judy ate the small one, and Nick ate the long one.]'' :'''Jesús''': ''[to the reptiles]'' '''Hey, guys! They ate it!''' ''[laughs as the other reptiles laugh and cheer]'' Look at their faces! <hr width=50%> :''[When the ZPD arrives and the reptiles start to panic, Jesús leads Judy, Nick, and Nibbles to the exit to the top deck and hands them a boat.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[to Jesús]'' Wait, why are you helping us? :'''Jesús''': You two saved the city once, I reckon you can save it again. And when you do, maybe everyone will see we ain't that different. ''[runs across the water to safety]'' :'''Nick''': Huh. <hr width=50%> :''[Nick and Judy are chasing Gary throughout Marsh Market with Nibbles' help]'' :'''Nibbles''': Pro tip: If he goes for the red line, do ''not'' follow! You ''will'' run out of air! Good luck! I LOVE YOU! :''[As Nick follows Judy, who is still chasing Gary, the latter looks behind him and swallows the journal.]'' :'''Gary''': Cannonball! ''[leaps into the red line water tube]'' :''[Having disobeyed Nibbles' warning, Judy promptly follows Gary into the red line tube.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[worried]'' Hopps, no, that's the red line! Red line, red line! ''[sees Judy jumping into the red line]'' You're gonna run out of air! Coconut, '''coconut'''! ''[leaps into the red line after Judy and Gary]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Much to his frustration, Nick is forced to abort his and Judy's pursuit of Gary by opening an emergency exit, landing them at the base of Copenhoofen.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[worried]'' Are you okay? :'''Judy''': Yeah, yes. Uh... You? :'''Nick''': ''[drying himself]'' Um, well, uh, I feel some... sorries, uh, may be in order. :'''Judy''': ''[pats Nick's knee]'' Nick, it's okay. I know you didn't wanna lose him on purpose. :'''Nick''': ''[incredulously]'' Oh, not me sorry. No, no. ''[points at Judy]'' You sorry. :'''Judy''': ''[nonchalantly wringing her ears]'' Well, now we kinda have no way to find him or stop the lynxes, so... agree to disagree. ''[flicks her ears at Nick, throwing water at his face]'' :'''Nick''': But... we are alive. So, if we can't find him, that's great. What we ''can'' find... is a truck outta here. ''[tries to spray water at Judy, but smacks his snout with his tail]'' Gah. :''[Judy and Nick exchange glares before the former sees Gary's fanny pack hanging from the emergency exit. Judy opens the fanny pack, finding markers and an old box of matches with a flower on it.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[uninterested]'' Box of old matches... helpful. Trudy Cabbagepatch, leaving ''town''; We're done. ''[tries to walk away]'' :'''Jürgen''': ''[off-screen]'' Yodelayhehoo! :''[Nick and Judy look up and see two mountain goats hiking the cliff.]'' :'''Jürgen''': This is weird place for you to be. :'''Berthold''': Ja, very weird. :'''Jürgen''': Ach, they fell out of ze tube. ''[takes out his phone]'' Okay, we will call police to help! :'''Judy''': No! No, we're fine. :'''Nick''': Yep, but we were just leaving town. :'''Judy''': Actually, um, do you happen to know where this tube goes? :'''Berthold''': Oh, Copenhoofen. ''[points at a distance]'' :'''Jürgen''': Ja, ist Copenhoofen. ''[starts coughing]'' :'''Judy''': Got it, thank you- :'''Berthold''': Ah, you chew too much. This is not... ''[does the Heimlich maneuver on Jürgen, making him spit half-chewed yellow flowers at Nick, much to his disgust as he dusts them off]'' :'''Judy''': ''[takes a flower off Nick and examines it]'' Where did... Where did you find these flowers? :'''Jürgen''': Oh, the Liebchenflower? ''[points above]'' Ze tippity-top of ze mountain. Uh, zis is ze only place zey grow. :'''Nick''': ''[frustrated; to himself]'' Oh, boy... :'''Judy''': Is... ''[to Jürgen and Berthold]'' Uh... Is there anything ''else'' up there? :'''Nick''': Nope, there sure isn't. :'''Berthold''': Oh, ja; ''[Nick groans]'' Old Honeymoon Lodge, but is closed for a long time because was hideout for snakes. :''[Upon hearing the word "snakes", Nick rolls his eyes.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[flips the matchbox]'' Honeymoon Lodge... ''[Nick sighs]'' H-How do you reach it? :'''Berthold''': Oh, tourists take ze tram from Copenhoofen, but ze rope is faster! :''[Judy excitedly punches a frustrated Nick before heading to the rope.]'' :'''Jürgen''': Good luck! ''[on the other side]'' Have fun at the Honeymoon Lodge! :'''Nick''': ''[annoyed]'' Thank you! :''[Judy and Nick are climbing Copenhoofen, with the latter struggling to keep up with the former, who wears Gary's fanny pack.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[climbing; to herself]'' What does this secret... have to do with the reptiles? How did it get hidden in the journal in the first place. :'''Nick''': ''[exhausted]'' Will you slow down...? ''[starts slipping on his rope, much to his annoyance]'' :'''Judy''': ''[looks down]'' How long do you think it's gonna be before Hoggbottom and the ZPD figure out where we are? ''[keeps climbing]'' If anything, we should be going faster. As I always say... :'''Judy's voice''': ''[through carrot pen; off-screen]'' I really am just a dumb bunny. :'''Judy''': ''[looks down; smiling forcedly]'' Nick... :''[Nick is replaying the recording on his carrot pen, smiling smugly, forcing Judy to zip down to him]'' :'''Judy''': ''[angrily grabs the carrot pen from Nick, spiraling him]'' ''This'' was a gift to symbolize our partnership. And it is not appropriate for this moment. :'''Nick''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, no, I was just... ''[chuckles]'' hoping to jot down some ideas for what we will put on our tombstones. I'll start: "His partner did it!" ''[snatches the carrot pen back]'' :'''Judy''': ''[confused]'' What happened to you that you can't just have a normal conversation? :'''Nick''': ''[pauses, then breathes deeply]'' ''I'' will save that for my therapy animal. ''[slips on his rope]'' :'''Judy''': Yeah. ''[snatches back the carrot pen]'' You ''need'' a therapy animal! :'''Nick''': ''[snatches back the carrot pen]'' Oh, yeah?! Well, you need a ''herd'' of therapy animals. ''[starts to fight over the carrot pen with Judy]'' Yeah, you need a ''whole'' migration of therapy animals! :''[As Nick tries to keep the carrot pen away from Judy, he pulls the carrot pen out of Judy's grasp, making them slip, and Nick accidentally knocks his paw on the cliff, causing the carrot pen to fall on a nearby rock. As Judy and Nick try to save it, they knock paws, making the pen fall all the way down the cliff, breaking into pieces on the ground, leaving Nick shocked and Judy heartbroken and hurt. Nick shamefully sees Judy's hurt expression as she starts to turn mad, giving Nick the silent treatment when she climbs up the cliff, leaving Nick feeling ashamed for her. Judy reaches the Honeymoon Lodge and unclips herself before entering it. Later, Nick reaches the Honeymoon Lodge.]'' :'''Nick''': Carrots? ''[sighs before unclipping himself and following Judy]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Judy''': ''[hurries to grab evidence]'' We need it to solve the case. :'''Nick''': ''[desperately]'' Judy, just— :'''Judy''': ''[not listening to him]'' We ''have'' to solve the case, Nick. :'''Nick''': ''[fed-up]'' I don't care about the case! ''[Judy becomes shocked to hear what he said; stutters and sighs]'' Judy, it's not worth dying for. :'''Judy''': ''[turns to him]'' The world will never be a better place if no one is brave enough to do the right thing. :'''Nick''': The world is what it ''is'', Carrots. And-and sometimes, being a hero, it just... doesn't make a difference. :'''Judy''': ''[pauses, then sighs]'' I think, uh... ''[Nick looks at her sympathetically]'' I think... Maybe... Maybe we ''are'' different. <hr width=50%> :''[Outside the destroyed Honeymoon Lodge, officers Chèvre and Bücheron bring a paw-cuffed Nick, who is glaring daggers, in front of Hoggbottom and Mayor Winddancer.]'' :'''Hoggbottom''': Mayor Winddancer? :'''Mayor Winddancer''': ''[approaches Nick and removes his shades; about Judy]'' Where's the bunny? :'''Nick''': ''[snarkily]'' I dunno. But, you know, she's a rabbit, so maybe you can pull her out of your hat. :'''Mayor Winddancer''': ''[pauses]'' I'm not wearing a hat. :'''Hoggbottom''': ''[whispering]'' He's messing with you, sir. :'''Mayor Winddancer''': ''[dismissively]'' I knew that! Get him out of here! :''[Officers Bücheron and Chèvre throw Nick in the prison van and slam the doors shut.]'' :'''Milton''': ''[approaches Nick]'' Where are they, Mr. Wilde? ''[Nick turns away in denial; to Cattrick]'' Begin the expansion. Freeze Marsh Market. Flush everyone out. :'''Nick''': ''[overhears him; worried]'' No... you can't... :'''Milton''': Water folk, like foxes, are lesser mammals. If I say they helped a dangerous snake, no one will care what we do. ''[digs his claws in Nick, who groans in pain]'' You're going to a dark cell, Mr. Wilde, just long enough to read the headline of your partner's demise. ''[takes his claws off Nick, who glares]'' You should've left town while you had the chance. :''[The prison van drives away with Nick.]'' :'''Kitty''': ''[holding a fur sample]'' Dad. Fur from... ''[gives the sample]'' whoever's helping the bunny and the snake. :'''Milton''': ''[angrily clutches the bag]'' Find Pawbert! <hr width=50%> :''[In the Desert Dunes, located in Sahara Square, Pawbert leads Judy and Gary to his tent on his motorcycle.]'' :'''Judy''': I'm sorry, you are...? :'''Gary''': Oh! Gary. Gary De'Snake. :'''Judy''': And your last name? :'''Gary''': De'Snake. <hr width=50%> :'''Judy''': How ''did'' you become partners? :'''Gary''': Oh, when I found out the journal was gonna be on display at the Gala, I sent his family an anonymous letter asking to see it. Luckily, they make Pawbert work in the mailroom, so ''he'' read it first. :'''Pawbert''': I got him smuggled in from overseas. :'''Gary''': Seven days in a crate. But if I fix things for my family, it'll be worth it. Then we'll fix things for your partner too. <hr width=50%> :''[Outside Pawbert's tent, Judy, Gary, and Pawbert are about to uncover the hidden secret on the cover of the journal.]'' :'''Pawbert''': [to Judy] How much do you ''know''? :'''Judy''': Well, that his family was framed and there's some secret hidden in the metal cover that only a snake can see. :''[Gary looks at the journal with his snake vision.]'' :'''Pawbert''': Not just any snake; A heat-sensing pit viper. All it takes is a little warmth. :'''Judy''': I just... I don't understand. Why would your great-grandfather hide a secret for a snake? :'''Pawbert''': He... didn't. :'''Judy''': ''[Realizes]'' It wasn't his journal; that's the secret. ''[envisions herself in a flashback of Zootopia in the 1900s]'' Zootopia wasn't created by a mammal; it was created... by a snake. :''[Starts the beginning of flashback]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[nods; voiceover]'' Gary's great grandmother (Agnes De'Snake). She wanted to make the city a place where all animals felt welcome, so she invented her weather walls to help everyone. She just needed an investor, a partner. But when my great-grandfather saw what her idea could be worth, he plotted to steal her plans for himself. So he committed a murder- his own maid- and framed Gary's great-grandmother. And because she was a snake, everyone believed his lie. Soon, no reptiles were welcome. And over time, my great-grandfather buried the reptile neighborhood in snow. And he died believing no one could ever uncover his crimes. But... he was wrong. :'''Judy''': Her original patent was saved. That's what you're looking for. She hid it in her home. Find her home, find her patent. :''[End of flashback]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Gary''': We just didn't know where her home was buried, ''[draws a map]'' until now. :''[Reveals the reptile neighborhood, Reptile Ravine, is located in...]'' :'''Pawbert''': My family's land? But... under all that snow, how are we gonna find it? :'''Judy''': ''[spots a clocktower on Gary's drawing map]'' Wait. Clocktower... her neighborhood... the reptile neighborhood... it had a clocktower. ''[shows them an old photo she saved from the Honeymoon Lodge]'' I-It lights up like a beacon. If it wasn't fully buried, maybe we could see it; follow it to her home. :'''Pawbert''': Except my great-grandfather turned off the power. :'''Judy''': But we have the plans that show us how to turn it back on! ''[looks in the journal]'' The power switch to her whole neighborhood was in... the original control room. :'''Gary''': All right! And where is that? :'''Judy''': Inside the oldest wall of the city: The Desert-Tundratown weather wall. We get inside, turn on that switch, light the clock tower, we find her house. :'''Pawbert''': We find her patent. :'''Gary''': And my family is finally coming home! We will succeed, Judy Hopps! '''We shall succeed!''' <hr width=50%> :''[Nick is locked up in prison by Hoggbottom for being a fugitive]'' :'''Nibbles''': ''[off-screen]'' Nicholas ''Wilde''! ''[Nick sighs as he sees her in the cell across from him]'' What are the chances? ''[laughs]'' You know, this is my first time in prison, and I gotta say: ''[reaches for a mop]'' Their food is on point. ''[starts gnawing on the top part of the mop]'' :'''Nick''': ''[sighs and rolls his eyes]'' How are you even here? :'''Nibbles''': Destiny, plus an arrest. ''[chuckles]'' But it looks like Judith got away. Was that decision... ''mutual''? ''[Nick sighs and turns away]'' Oh, sensin' trouble in paradise. Wanna talk about it? :'''Nick''': ''[pushing a bed]'' What I want is to get outta here. ''[climbs on the bed, struggling to free himself]'' :'''Nibbles''': ''[wearily]'' Right, your big plan. Lay low on Outback Island, sipping piña koalas. Except you can't trust koalas 'cause they got four thumbs. ''[Nick climbs off the bed]'' Did a whole episode about it on the podcast. It was called "They Got Four Thumbs". But you know what? At least they ain't platypuses. ''[laughs]'' :'''Nick''': ''[trying to unlock his cell; annoyed]'' Wait, can you just... Can you ''please'' just let me concentrate? :'''Nibbles''': ''[salutes]'' Roger that. ''[gnaws on the mop again and spits out a splinter]'' Just talk to me, dude! ''[Nick breaks a claw and sighs]'' What's the last thing she said to you? :'''Nick''': ''[sighs]'' She, um... Uh, she said... "maybe we are too... different." :'''Nibbles''': Hm... And... What did you say ''before'' that? :'''Nick''': I said the case isn't worth dying for. :'''Nibbles''': Hm...? :'''Nick''': Like, uh,... Like, y'know, as in it's... it isn't worth ''her'' dying for because... because solitary animals like me don't have real friends. And I-I... I don't wanna lose her. ''[as his ears droop]'' I just... I don't know how to say that. ''[looks down, seeing Nibbles in front of him]'' :'''Nibbles''': You know what, bud? ''[hugs Nick]'' I think you just did. :'''Nick''': ''[pauses before realizing Nibbles opened his cell; surprised]'' Wait, how'd you do that? ''[gestures to the lock]'' :'''Nibbles''': Well, I open my arms, put them around you, and then I squeeze. It's called a hug. Do foxes not have hugs? ''[realizes what Nick meant]'' Oh. ''[chuckles]'' The lock. Yeah, that's Beav 101. ''[reveals that she gnawed a key on the mop]'' <hr width=50%> :''[In Flash's car, Nick is calling Clawhauser at the ZPD by phone to track Judy's location.]'' :'''Nick''': I cannot help Judy if I don't know where she is, which is why I need you ''[off-screen]'' to get on Paul's computer and track Hoggbottom. :'''Clawhauser''': ''[whispering]'' You are an escaped fugitive! I could get fired for even talking to you. :'''Nick''': ''[desperately]'' They're gonna put her to sleep! ''[off-screen]'' '''Do it!''' :'''Clawhauser''': Okay! ''[sees a box of donuts and gasps in delight]'' :'''Paul''': ''[typing on his computer]'' Did you try restarting it? Mhm. Have you tried not being an idiot? :'''Clawhauser''': ''[whispers; holding a box of donuts]'' Hey, Paul, I got you some donuts. ''[trips over the soda can and drops the box on Paul]'' Oh, no! :'''Officer McHorn''': ''[grabs the box of donuts]'' Thanks, Clawhauser! :'''Nick''': ''[off-screen]'' '''Clawhauser!''' Location...?! :''[Clawhauser reaches for Paul's computer, which has a screensaver on and requires a password. Clawhauser grabs the sticky note on the computer with the password "P@Rt3izFr&BrdZr2" written on it, much to his dismay as he struggles to read it]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Judy, Gary, and Pawbert flipped the switch of the clock tower in the old control room, they return to see if it worked.]'' :'''Pawbert''': Can you see it? Did we turn on the clock tower? :'''Judy''': ''[looks around and gasps]'' There. ''[spots the clock tower's light]'' It's there! :'''Pawbert''': ''[gasps in delight]'' We did it! We can find the original patent. :'''Judy''': ''[sees Nick struggling to open the weather wall door; confused]'' Nick...? The door... It's locked. Wait... How did it lock? :''[Outside the weather wall, Nick starts panicking as the walls begin to heat up.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[trying to barge in]'' Nibbles, open it! '''Nibbles'''! :''[In the control room, Judy watches worriedly as Nibbles opens the access door, allowing Nick to enter, then slams the door shut before the flames scorch them.]'' :'''Nibbles''': Dang door stuck on me... :''[Back in the control room, Judy sees Nibbles helping Nick back up.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[sighs in relief, then chuckles embarrassedly]'' Sorry. Last case, there was kind of a... twist. :'''Pawbert''': I know. ''[suddenly injects Judy in the neck with snake venom, paralyzing her]'' Oh my gosh. I really... Oh, my heart is pounding. ''[chuckles]'' I thought you knew. I thought you knew. :'''Gary''': ''[feeling betrayed]'' No! ''[tries to attack Pawbert, but...]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[grabs him by the throat]'' Sorry, partner. ''[throws Gary outside in the snow]'' Hate to leave you out in the cold... But... I'm gonna... Please don't be mad at me, but... I mean, you get it. We've always been on the same page. Me and you. Underdogs, right? You gotta prove you're as good as everyone else, that you belong. I know, it's messed up, but... ''[reloads his venom injector]'' this is my chance. I have to take it. 'Cause when I get to his great-grandma's home, and I burn the original patent, I'll finally be something in my family. And I'll finally belong, too. :'''Nick''': ''[on the monitor]'' Judy? :'''Pawbert''': ''[approaches the monitor]'' Ruh-roh... :'''Nick''': ''[on the monitor]'' Carrots? :'''Pawbert''': ''[sees Nick looking for Judy; sighs]'' No loose ends. :''[Judy and Gary watch in horror as Pawbert steals the latter's fanny bag.]'' :'''Pawbert''': Bye, partner. Bye, Judy Hopps. ''[walks past her]'' :'''Judy''': ''[grabs his leg; desperately]'' Pawbert, please... You ''can'' be different than your family... :'''Pawbert''': ''[pauses; coldly]'' I don't wanna be different. ''[slams the door shut and locks the control room]'' :'''Judy''': ''[worried]'' Nick... <hr width=50%> :''[As Pawbert leaves the control room after betraying Judy and Gary, he hears Nick climbing the stairs and follows him.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[off-screen]'' Judy? ''[looks around the corridors]'' Judy? ''[looks down]'' Nibbles, do you see her? :'''Nibbles''': ''[holding a flashlight]'' No, nothin' yet. :''[In the control room, Judy struggles to crawl to the door.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[through the monitor]'' Judy? :'''Gary''': ''[from outside; shivering]'' We shall... succeed, Judy Hopps. :''[Judy briefly looks at Gary before continuing to crawl. Outside the control room, Nibbles stumbles upon Pawbert.]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[pretends to surrender]'' It's okay. Judy sent me. She... needs to find Nick. ''[injects Nibbles with snake venom]'' :'''Nibbles''': ''[unamused]'' Yep. Should've seen that comin'. ''[faints]'' :''[Pawbert walks over Nibbles as he reloads his venom injector.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[off-screen]'' Judy? :''[Back in the control room, Judy is still struggling to reach the door. On the monitors, Nick is climbing the stairs as Pawbert follows him.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[struggling to crawl]'' Nick... :'''Gary''': ''[off-screen]'' We... shall... succeed,... ''[Judy struggles to reach for the door, but collapses]'' Judy. :'''Judy''': ''[weakly]'' I can't... move, and... ''[looks at Gary]'' you're too... cold... to help... ''[off-screen]'' And he's gonna... Nick's gonna... :''[Thinking Judy is outside, Nick swings the steel door open. Once outside, Nick shields his eyes from the blizzard, looking for Judy.]'' :'''Gary''': ''[off-screen]'' Judy,... the world... was never meant... to be... on one animal's... shoulders... :''[As he turns around, Nick is confronted by Pawbert. Nick warily backs away upon seeing the venom injector in Pawbert's paw.]'' :'''Gary''': ''[crawling to Judy]'' That's why... my great-grandma... wanted... Zootopia... to be... for everyone,... ''[Judy sees Pawbert confronting Nick]'' so we could... ''all''... help each-other. :'''Judy''': ''[tears up; guilty]'' I... ''didn't''... help. :''[Outside, Nick is still backing away from Pawbert.]'' :'''Gary''': ''[off-screen]'' You ''did''. ''[slowly crawling]'' You chose... to help me... and became... my... best warm-blooded... friend. ''[touches Judy with his tail; his eyes glow]'' ''Very'' warm. ''[senses Judy's body heat; smiles]'' Permission... to hug? :''[When Judy weakly nods "yes", Gary softly coils around her as the ice crystals on his scales start melting thanks to Judy's body heat, restoring him.]'' :'''Gary''': ''[sees Pawbert with his fanny bag through the monitor]'' We're gonna save you and save your friend. ''[Judy smiles, then passes out; worried]'' Judy? ''[officers Higgins, Chévre, and Bücheron enter the control room]'' Aah! :'''Officer Higgins''': ''[points at Gary in fright]'' Hey, he's gonna eat that rabbit! :'''Gary''': ''[panicked]'' No, wait! ''[backing away]'' I-I'm saving her! I'm gonna get her the anti-pen! <hr width=50%> :''[Outside the Sahara-Tundratown weather wall, Nick is still backing away from Pawbert, not noticing his footing.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[about Judy]'' Where is she? :'''Pawbert''': ''[blankly]'' She, uh... She didn't make it. ''[Nick turns mortified]'' But with snake bites, you... go fast... You'll see. :''[Inside the control room, Gary, surrounded by officers Higgins and Bloats, quickly swings a telephone at Higgins' head, angering him and Bloats. On the roof, Pawbert aggressively tackles Nick to the ice, trying to stab him with his venom injector. Back in the control room, Chèvre tries to tackle Gary, but he slithers aside while still coiling around a passed-out Judy. Gary tries to leave the control room, but Officer Bücheron stops him from doing so.]'' :'''Gary''': No! ''[looks at Judy, who is losing strength]'' :''[Officer Bloats attacks Gary alongside the other officers as they try to restrain him. Back outside, Nick tries to stop Pawbert from injecting him.]'' :'''Pawbert''': She ''gone'', Nick! Just... get it over with! :''[As Nick struggles to kick and push Pawbert off him, he kicks at Gary's fanny bag and knocks a bunch of markers out of it that fall onto an ice ledge. Back inside the control room, Gary struggles to free himself from the officers until he sees some of his markers falling from outside, then gasps in shock upon seeing through the monitor that Nick is struggling against Pawbert on the roof.]'' :'''Pawbert''': You're done! Know when to '''quit'''! :''[The ice underneath Nick and Pawbert starts cracking, when suddenly...]'' :'''Gary''': ''[off-screen]'' Anti-venom! ''[Nick looks down; pops out]'' You can save her with the anti-venom! Throw me the bag! ''[the officers yank him back inside, revealing Judy's unconscious body]'' :'''Nick''': Judy! :''[Upon noticing Gary's anti-venom pen, Nick kicks Pawbert off him, flipping each other over and causing the cliff to crack. Nick and Pawbert start wrestling for the fanny bag until the pen drops out of it towards the edge of the cliff. As the cliff rumbles again, Nick prepares to grab the pen, but...]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[grabs Nick's paw; desperate]'' Leave it! You're gonna kill us both! It's not worth dying for. :'''Nick''': ''[glances at the anti-venom pen]'' Agree... ''[glares at Pawbert]'' to disagree. ''[shoves Pawbert away, slides down, grabs the anti-venom pen, and throws it to the fire escape, allowing Gary to barely grab it]'' :''[Nick briefly smiles before he starts losing grip as the ledge gives out. In the control room, Gary uncoils Judy and activates his anti-venom pen.]'' :'''Anti-Venom Pen''': Stab me straight into the heart! :''[As Gary stabs his pen into Judy's heart, she recovers instantly, gasping in shock. Seeing Nick on the verge of falling to his demise, Judy kicks Bloats and Higgins off Gary before knocking Rhinowitz out in a rush to save him. As the cliff shatters, Nick and Pawbert both start to fall to their deaths, but Judy quickly grabs Nick's paw with Gary's help, who grabs Judy, as Pawbert falls.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[After Gary saved Judy and Nick from falling to their deaths, they look at each-other worriedly before rushing to hug each-other in relief, they both begin weeping.]'' :'''Judy''': I was trying to get you... :'''Nick''': He told me that you... That you were... :'''Judy''': And I saw you... :''[Nick and Judy stop hugging and stare at each-other with watery eyes, much to Gary's awkwardness.]'' :'''Gary''': ''[blushing]'' I'll... help your friend. ''[slithers off to help Nibbles]'' :'''Nick''': ''[hesitantly]'' Okay. I- I don't- I don't ''care'' that we're different... you know? I- What I care about… is you. I care about you. Okay? And I didn’t say it. I should've said it, but I didn't... because... ''[shrugs]'' Uh… Well… ''[chuckles nervously]'' 'cause I ''am'' an emotionally insecure source of your discomfort who's not good at expressing his feelings. Probably because I've been on my own my whole life. It's not an excuse; It's just... ''[awkwardly scratches his neck]'' it's why instead of telling you that you're the best thing that ever happened to me, ''[Judy smiles]'' I-I make jokes about your ears and-and I tell you that you try too hard, when, you know, the truth is: I just don't want you to get hurt because… because no one else in the world ''matters'' more to me than you do. :'''Judy''': ''[holding back her tears; talking fast]'' I… I do try too hard because deep down I'm afraid I am what everyone thinks I am, and I suppress my discomfort because I'm worried it makes me look weak and I wanna be strong, and I think I'm failing all the time and I only take what you say personally because you're the only one in my life who ever believed in me, even when I don't even believe in myself. And I should have told you that… ''[pouts]'' No one else in the ''world'' matters to me more than you do, either... :'''Nick''': ''[pauses; almost entranced]'' I have unresolved childhood trauma that I refuse to discuss because being vulnerable scares me. :'''Judy''': I make dangerous choices because I have an unhealthy bunny hero complex. :'''Nick''': ''[teary]'' And I didn’t join the ZPD because I wanted to be a cop; I joined because I always wanted to be part of a pack… and the thought of losing you scares me because… ''[whispering softly]'' because you’re my pack. :'''Judy''': ''[sobbing]'' I should never have left you. And I ''do'' need a herd of therapy animals, and I should've told you that you're the only partner I would ever want because… you're my fluffle. :'''Nick''': ''[perplexed]'' Hm... Um...? :'''Judy''': ''[crying]'' That's a bunch of rabbits! :''[Nick and Judy giggle as the former smiles at her warmly and the latter wipes her tears away.]'' :'''Nibbles''': ''[after she got healed; arrives with Gary beside her]'' Whoo! Now ''that'' is what we call an overshare. I’m alive, by the way. I made it. <hr width=50%> :''[Judy and Nick, along with Gary and Nibbles, see Pawbert heading toward the Lynxley Manor, then to the reptile neighborhood to burn the original patent and destroy it, so they get on the snowmobile and race to him.]'' :'''Nick''': Hopps and Wilde? :'''Judy''': Wilde and Hopps! :'''Gary and Nibbles''': ''[joins Judy and Nick]'' And Nibbles and Gary! :'''Nick''': Ah! He's Gary. Whoa! ''[grabs a long scarf for Gary from the polar bear]'' Thank you! For the snake! He's cold. <hr width=50%> :''[Judy and Nick are closing in on Pawbert as he reaches the clock tower, when a chasm tears open between them.]'' :'''Judy''': I'm gonna jump! ''[leaps outside the snowcat, ready to do so, but...]'' :'''Nick''': ''[playfully grabs her paw]'' Zoogetherness! Huh? ''[serious]'' No, never mind. Forget I said it; here we go! ''[leaps off the snowcat with Judy, knocking the gasoline and matches away from Pawbert]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[frantically digging in the snow]'' Matches, matches, matches, matches! :''[When Pawbert finds the matchbox, it suddenly vanishes in the snow, much to his surprise.]'' :'''Judy''': ''[pops out of the hole]'' Bunnies... we're burrowers. Rabbit kick! ''[kicks at Pawbert, allowing Nick to trip him, then fist bumps Nick]'' :''[However, Pawbert emerges from the snow, growling and grinning evilly, as he pounces on Nick and Judy and strangles them, ready to tear them apart.]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[insanely]'' I'll destroy the patent, that town, and ''everything'' in it. And a '''dirtbag fox''' and a ''[pushes Judy's head deeper in the snow]'' '''dumb bunny''' will ''never'' stand in my way! :''[Nick and Judy briefly exchange glances before the former glares at Pawbert.]'' :'''Nick''': ''[under his breath; defensively]'' She's not a dumb bunny and you're forgetting one thing...! ''[smirks]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[grinning]'' What's that? :'''Nick''': We're friends with a snake! :'''Gary''': ''[arrving with Nibbles; coils Pawbert]'' Howdy, partner! ''[hisses in Pawbert's ear, as he shrieks] <hr width=50%> :'''Milton''': Brian! ''[to Cattrick; shoves him]'' Go! :'''Mayor Winddancer''': You say justice is dead? ''[punches Cattrick and Kitty to the floor.]'' I say... '''NEIIIIIGH!''' ''[jump-kicks Milton in the face]'' <hr width=50%> :''[Judy, Nick, Gary, and Nibbles enters the clocktower, lights up, and explores the frozen reptile neighborhood, Reptile Ravine, until Gary finds the De'Snake's home. When they get inside, they gaze around at some perfectly preserved features, including some drawings of a snake and a rabbit. They arrive at Agnes' desk, where she sketched her invention of the weather walls. They find a small wooden box that opens a secret bottom panel, and inside, it's a folded piece of paper. Gary pulls it out and reveals it's his great-grandmother's original patent that Ebenezer Lynxley removed from her journal. They finally found it and glance at the patent, smiling. Until,...]'' :'''Pawbert''': ''[throws a fire onto the desk; flames erupt]'' '''I'M GONNA ''BURN'' IT ALL TO THE''' '''''GROUND!''''' '''I'M A REAL''' '''''LYNXLEY!''''' ''[maniacally laughs]'' :''[Suddenly, he gets hit by a frying pan and faints. They gasp. It's Captain Hoggbottom, who nods reassuringly. They all smile in relief as the fire dies down.]'' :'''Truffler''': ''[pats Hoggbottom's shoulder]'' [[w:Babe (film)|That'll do, pig. That'll do.]] <hr width=50%> :''[Exiting the Reptile Ravine clocktower while reporters and photographers surround the scene.]'' :'''Peter Moosebridge''': ''[on ZNN broadcast]'' Astonishing news today, after Officers Judy Hopps and Nicholas Wilde, along with a pit viper and a beaver, foiled another major conspiracy by revealing the true inventor of the city's weather walls was a snake. :'''Fabienne Growley''': ''[shows footage of the Lynxley family being arrested and handcuffed by the ZPD, and escorted by Bloats, Higgins, and McHorn]'' While the now-disgraced Lynxley family were revealed to have stolen the original plans and covered it up for decades. :'''Milton''': ''[walks into the back of the Razorbacks' truck with his three children; tries to hold court]'' You have not heard the last of Milton Lyn- :''[Judy and Nick shuts the SWAT truck doors and do an bump fists]'' :'''Peter Moosebridge''': ''[voiceover]'' Their Tundratown expansion now officially canceled. :''[At the Marsh Market, the residents watch the news broadcast on TV and cheer.]'' <hr width=50%> :''[In Partners In Crisis, Dr. Fuzzby asks Nick and Judy.]'' :'''Dr. Fuzzby''': ''[off-screen]'' Some are calling you the dream team. How did you do it? :''[Judy motions to Nick; Nick about to speaks as the scenes changes]'' :'''Nick''': Uh, well, there's a lot of ''[voiceover; Jesús shopping in Sheepshire.]'' different animals out there, and sometimes we start to look at ''[In prison, Pawbert stares out his cell as Milton, Cattrick, and Kitty argue with each other behind him. Gramma Taller, Big Tig, and Tuffy Cheeksworth look at Pawbert menacingly, and his eyes widen in shock.]'' all the little reasons that we're not the same. And it makes us worry. ''[At the ceremony, Mayor Winddancer presents Judy and Nick with medals, as the rest of the ZPD watch impressed.]'' But maybe if we just talked to each other, if we just tried to understand one another, ''[Judy, Nick, Gary, and Clawhauser visit Chief Bogo, who is recovering, in the hospital. They present him with a drawing with an apology note that says "Sorry I fanged you -Gary" and a box of donuts (with Paul still stuck in one). Bogo reluctantly shows his appreciation and takes a donut.]'' We would see that our differences don't really make any difference at all. ''[Gary reopening the new section of Zootopia, Raptile Ravine, is now defrost and restored, with a brand new golden statue of Agnes De'Snake. Judy, Nick, Nibbles, Mayor Winddancer, and a crowd of reptiles and mammals applaud. Nibbles hugs Gary as he high-fives both Judy and Nick with his tail.]'' Maybe we'd even see that what makes me me, and you you, ''[back to the Partners In Crisis]'' can make us even stronger. And with hard work, you're gonna get to that '''by year two!''' :''[Dr. Fuzzby and the ZPD officers, including Captain Hoggbotton and the Zebros, clap for Nick and Judy.] :'''Zebros''': ''[whispers; bumping hooves]'' Zebros. :'''Gene Zebrowski''': Actually, my name is Gene. :'''Gene Zebraxton''': My name ''[sniffles]'' is also Gene. :'''Zebros''': ''[butt heads]'' '''Zebros!''' <hr width=50%> :''[In Gary's housewarming party at the De'Snake home, Judy's brothers and sisters uses Gary as a slide.]'' :'''Stu''': Kids, get off the snake! <hr width=50%> :''[Gary is happy to see his family then, Judy approaches them and he introduces them to her.]'' :'''Gary''': This is my family. Permission to hug? ''[Judy nods, and the De'Snake family hug her]'' Thank you. :''[The snakes heads off into their house.]'' <hr width=50%> :'''Nick''': Hey, uh, ''[approaches and hands Judy a small poorly wrapped gift]'' I got you something. :''[Judy opens it to find the carrot pen, which Nick has fixed. She is touched.]'' :'''Nick''': Love you, partner. But I am still me, so I'm only saying it once a decade. :''[Judy smiles at Nick, and rewinds the carrot pen.]'' :'''Nick's voice''': ''[through the carrot pen]'' Love you, partner. :''[They looks surprise at each other.]'' :'''Nick''': Oh, I'm gonna need that back. :'''Judy''': ''[holding the pen away from Nick]'' I'll give it back to you. After our next case. :'''Nick''': There's gonna be another case, huh? :'''Judy''': Of course. Because when you broke out of jail, you also released 200 highly dangerous prisoners. :'''Nick''': ''[shrugs]'' Worth it. Any idea where you wanna start? :''[Judy grins at him.]'' ==Taglines== * Hopps works hard, Wilde plays it cool. * They're back with a twissst. * Zootopia will be changed furrrever! ==Cast== * {{w|Ginnifer Goodwin}} — Judy Hopps * {{w|Jason Bateman}} — Nick Wilde * [[Ke Huy Quan]] — Gary De'Snake * [[w:Fortune Feimster|Fortune Feimster]] — Nibbles Maplestick * [[Andy Samberg]] — Pawbert Lynxley * {{w|David Strathairn}} — Milton Lynxley * [[Shakira]] — Gazelle * [[Idris Elba]] — Chief Bogo * [[Patrick Warburton]] — Mayor Brian Winddancer * {{w|Quinta Brunson}} — Dr. Fuzzby * [[Danny Trejo]] — Jesús * [[w:Alan Tudyk|Alan Tudyk]] — Duke Weaselton * {{w|Nate Torrence}} — Officer Benjamin Clawhauser * {{w|Don Lake}} — Stu Hopps * {{w|Bonnie Hunt}} — Bonnie Hopps * {{w|Jenny Slate}} — Dawn Bellwether * {{w|Cecily Strong}} — Little Judith * John Anoa'i and Phil Brooks — Gene Zebraxton and Gene Zebrowski * {{w|Michelle Gomez}} — Captain Fern Hoggbottom * {{w|Josh Gad}} — Paul Moldebrant * {{w|Peter Mansbridge}} — Peter Moosebridge * [[w:Tiny Lister|Tiny Lister]] — Finnick ==External links== {{Wikipedia|Zootopia 2}} * {{IMDb title|id=26443597|title=Zootopia 2}} [[Category:2025 films]] [[Category:2025 American animated films]] [[Category:2025 computer-animated films]] [[Category:2020s American animated films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Animated buddy films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Conspiracy films]] [[Category:Animated films about rabbits and hares]] [[Category:Animated films about foxes]] [[Category:Films about snakes]] [[Category:Films about lizards]] [[Category:Animated films about big cats]] [[Category:Animated films about horses]] [[Category:Films with archival recordings]] [[Category:Films directed by Jared Bush]] [[Category:Films directed by Byron Howard]] [[Category:American sequel films]] 0zmu74xdbk9i57u4x6fxn1h43ef4zbn 0 303815 3954268 3930362 2026-06-18T20:40:36Z ~2026-31698-25 3330751 /* Dialogue */ That is one of the lines was from the start of the movie. 3954268 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:Goering_on_trial_%28color%29.jpg|thumb|right|'''Hermann Göring''': What do you think war is?! What do you think the [[Russian]]'s do to German prisoners of war?! You have your freedom and I am a prisoner because you won and we lost, not because you are morally superior! This trial will be a farce in 15 years. Great conquerors are not thought of as murderers, [[Genghis Khan]], [[Alexander the Great]]... <br> '''Douglas Kelley''': You're not Alexander the Great! '''You are a fat man in a cell. And you knew.''']] '''''[[w:Nuremberg (2025 film)|Nuremberg]]''''' is a [[w:2025 in film|2025]] American [[w:drama film|drama film]] about US Army psychiatrist [[w:Douglas Kelley|Douglas Kelley]] seeking to carry out an assignment to investigate the personalities and monitor the mental status of [[Hermann Göring]] and other high-ranking Nazis in preparation for and during the [[w:Nuremberg trials|Nuremberg trials]]. :''Written and Directed by [[w:James Vanderbilt|James Vanderbilt]], based on [[w:Jack El-Hai|Jack El-Hai]]'s 2013 book "The Nazi and the Psychiatrist".'' {{center|'''An epic World War ll thriller based on true events'''}} ==[[Hermann Göring]]== * Just because a man is your ally does not mean he is on your side. * The first time I saw [[Hitler]] talk, it was uh... 1922, upstairs of a coffee shop, for maybe 30 people. This was peacetime, but it was a peace without food, jobs, shoes. And he stood up and he said "French bellies are being filled with German pain." And then, "If you make threats, you need bayonets. Rearm! Down this Versailles!" So that night, I became a National Socialist. * No man has ever beaten me. * ''[After being defeated at the trial]'' Years from now, I wonder what you will say about us. Will you even acknowledge we were human? ==[[w:Douglas Kelley|Douglas Kelley]]== * ''[On Göring]'' You know what sets him apart from us? Nothing. * ''[to Göring]'' There's a difference between us bombing war factories and civilians dying as collateral damage! And you building 1200 ''human slaughter houses'' designed to exterminate an ''entire race!'' '''And you know it!!''' * ''[to Göring]'' You think you're a great man? * I know more about this man than anyone else on the planet. You're walking into a trap! ==Others== * '''Sergeant Howie Triest''': ''[to Douglas]'' Do you know why it happened here? Because people let it happen. ==Dialogue== : :'''Robert Jackson''': Exactly. The world needs to know what these men did. : : : : : : :''[After a trial hearing, at Göring's cell, Douglas is horrified, disgusted, and furious over what he has seen from the video footage of the atrocities committed at the [[w:Nazi concentration camps|concentration camps]]]'' :'''Douglas Kelley''': How is that possible? ''[short pause, he stands up]'' What I just saw. How is it possible? :'''Hermann Göring''': ''[short pause]'' [[Heinrich Himmler|Himmler]]. :'''Douglas Kelley''': Himmer wasn't second in command. You were. 1200 camps? What am I supposed to believe that you didn't know? :'''Hermann Göring''': Anyone can fake an atrocity. :'''Douglas Kelley''': So you're saying the filming was a fake, that's your defence? :'''Hermann Göring''': What would you have me say? :'''Douglas Kelley''': About the truth for ''once!'' :'''Hermann Göring''': Why? So you can run and tell Jackson. My friend, your hypocrisy is stunning. :'''Douglas Kelley''': My hypocrisy? :'''Hermann Göring''': You think American bullets and bombs don't kill people?! You vaporised [[Atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nagasaki|150,000 Japanese at the touch of a button]]. And you presume to stand in judgment on me for war crimes. :'''Douglas Kelley''': We had every right to defend ourselves. :'''Hermann Göring''': How do you defend yourself on someone else's soil?! :'''Douglas Kelley''': There's a difference between us bombing war factories and civilians dying as collateral damage! And you building 1200 ''human slaughter houses'' designed to exterminate an ''entire race!'' '''And you know it!!''' :'''Hermann Göring''': What do you think war is?! :'''Douglas Kelley''': ''[pause]'' Not what I saw today. :'''Hermann Göring''': What do you think the [[Russian]]'s do to German prisoners of war?! You have your freedom and I am a prisoner because you won and we lost, not because you are morally superior! This trial will be a farce in 15 years. Great conquerors are not thought of as murderers, [[Genghis Khan]], [[Alexander the Great]]... :'''Douglas Kelley''': You're not Alexander the Great! You are a fat man in a cell. And you ''knew.'' :''[pause]'' :'''Hermann Göring''': I have made a mistake. You are not destined for more. You will have an unhappy life, I think. It will all be overshadowed by this. By the time spent with me. You will write your volumes trying to relive it. The one moment in your life when you actually stood with greatness. :'''Douglas Kelley''': ''[short pause]'' You think you're a great man? You think that that's your legacy? :'''Hermann Göring''': At least I will have one. You will leave no mark on this world. I am the book! You are merely a footnote. :''[pause]'' :'''Douglas Kelley''': They're gonna ''kill you!'' They're gonna hang you by the ''neck'' till you ''piss yourself'' and ''die''. Your wife will be a widow. Your daughter will be an orphan. And you will have done that to yourself. ''[Kelley knocks on the cell door to be let out, door opens. He glares at Göring and leaves]'' <hr width="50%" /> :''[Douglas is live on a radio show]'' :'''Douglas Kelley''': ''[drunkenly]'' There are people in America who would willingly climb over the corpses of half the American public if they knew they could gain control of the other half! :'''Moderator''': Doctor, please- :'''Douglas Kelley''': They stoke hatred; it's what Hitler and Göring did, and it is textbook, and if you think the next time it happens we're going to recognise it because they're wearing scary uniforms, ''[stands up, intensely]'' you're out of your damn mind! ''[sits back down]'' They're us, okay? The Germans are us. :''[Silence. The Moderator leans into his microphone]'' :'''Moderator''': More with our panel when we return. :''[Commercials begin. The Producer comes over to Douglas, who pours himself another glass of whiskey]'' :'''Producer''': They're not going to invite you to stay for the next segment. Let's go. :''[He helps Kelly to his feet and hustles him towards the door]'' :'''Producer''': And just so you know? Trashing our country is not the best way to sell your book. :''[Douglas looks at him, turns and leaves]'' ==Taglines== * An epic World War ll thriller based on true events ==Cast== * [[Russell Crowe]] - [[Hermann Göring]] * [[Rami Malek]] - [[w:Douglas Kelley|Douglas Kelley]] * [[w:Leo Woodall|Leo Woodall]] - Sergeant [[w:Howie Triest|Howie Triest]] * [[w:John Slattery|John Slattery]] - [[w:Burton C. Andrus|Burton C. Andrus]] * [[w:Mark O'Brien (actor)|Mark O'Brien]] - [[w:John Amen|John Amen]] * [[w:Colin Hanks|Colin Hanks]] - [[w:Gustave Gilbert|Gustave Gilbert]] * [[w:Wrenn Schmidt|Wrenn Schmidt]] - Elsie Douglas * [[w:Lydia Peckham|Lydia Peckham]] - Lila * [[w:Michael Shannon|Michael Shannon]] - [[w:Robert H. Jackson|Robert H. Jackson]] * [[w:Richard E. Grant|Richard E. Grant]] - [[w:David Maxwell Fyfe, 1st Earl of Kilmuir|Sir David Maxwell Fyfe]] * [[w:Lotte Verbeek|Lotte Verbeek]] - [[w:Emmy Göring|Emmy Göring]] * [[w:Andreas Pietschmann|Andreas Pietschmann]] - [[w:Rudolf Hess|Rudolf Hess]] * [[w:Steven Pacey|Steven Pacey]] - [[w:George C. Marshall|George C. Marshall]] ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=29567915|title=Nuremberg (2025 film)}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=nuremberg_2025|title=Nuremberg (2025 film)}} [[Category:2025 films]] [[Category:2025 American films]] [[Category:2020s American films]] [[Category:American historical films]] [[Category:Drama films]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:War films]] [[Category:Courtroom dramas]] [[Category:Films set in the 1940s]] [[Category:Films about psychiatry]] [[Category:Films based on non-fiction books]] no02f6rn8dl76nqxbke8yb2nnk492wv 0 304631 3954264 3953724 2026-06-18T20:23:30Z GrimRob 1187925 /* June 2026 */ Sigh. No dates and in wrong order again. 3954264 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump Iran Map.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] g7eakgejw8wq0b8m59bbvegz99tvopj 3954265 3954264 2026-06-18T20:29:01Z GrimRob 1187925 /* June 2026 */ Trump quotes 3954265 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump Iran Map.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from [[Hezbollah]]. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] bg153fahxblsinbg19o390nnshwa4uu 3954266 3954265 2026-06-18T20:35:21Z GrimRob 1187925 /* June 2026 */ Mojtaba Khamenei quote 3954266 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump Iran Map.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] mf74iuvwgdotpsq4ze87fu801kfunoh 3954267 3954266 2026-06-18T20:35:44Z GrimRob 1187925 /* June 2026 */ 3954267 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump Iran Map.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] hu9296lhyudrtkcizadf45nlsvzczew 3954377 3954267 2026-06-19T10:43:23Z Baratiiman 842201 /* June 2026 */ 3954377 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Trump Iran Map.jpg|thumb|United States of the Middle East?[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116624042090139559 ]]][[File:2026-04-07 Trump – A whole civilization will die tonight 2026-04-07 192815.png|thumb|Based on the fact that discussions with the Islamic Republic of Iran have been brought to the highest level of Iranian leadership and approved, I have, as President of the United States of America, cancelled the scheduled strikes and bombings against Iran this evening. Discussions and final points have been, in both concept and great detail, approved by all parties involved, including the United States, Israel, Saudi Arabia, UAE, Qatar, Turkey, Pakistan, Bahrain, Kuwait, Jordan, Egypt, and others. The Naval Blockade will remain in full force and effect until this Transaction is finalized — Time and place of the signing to be announced shortly. DONALD J. TRUMP PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116732652997120164 ]]][[File:IRGC Seal Chest Badge.svg|thumb|Borderless fighters are overseeing your transit chokepoints. If necessary, others will also come Continue your aggression and they will seize your throat] ~ CmdrGeneralQaani [https://www.tasnimnews.ir/en/news/2026/06/09/3612261/resistance-s-new-security-belt-extends-from-hormuz-to-bab-el-mandeb-irgc-quds-force-chief ]]][[File:Dedication Stone De Becker Memorial Chapel American College.jpg|thumb|We Must Recommit to One Nation Under God.Therefore, we must restore the military draft Being a citizen of the United States gives us unparalleled freedoms and opportunities that are the envy of the world. However, these freedoms that we cherish do not come without a cost [https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/celebrity/articles/comedian-rob-schneider-proposes-military-184035757.html?guccounter=1 Schneider]]][[File:Achaemenid cylinder seal showing 2 scenes. An Achaemenid king before 2 sphinxes (below god Ahura Mazda). Supernatural creature fighting 2 ibexes. 6th-4th century BCE. From Hillah, Iraq. British Museum (cropped).jpg|thumb|Straits of Hormuz are named after Ahura Mazda from Zoroastrianism [https://nitter.poast.org/elonmusk/status/2063866701356089711#m Musk]]][[File:Imam Khamenei with his son, Ayatollah Sayyid Mojtaba Khamenei.jpg|thumb|Younger. I think more rational. Wounded. He is quite seriously wounded. There is a certain bravery in that ~[https://news.am/en/news/1041776 Trump]]][[File:Abdul_Rahman_Mosque_in_March_2010.jpg|thumb|There is women with manteaus being thrown out of mosques but they are now the ones waving flag [https://www.tabnak.ir/fa/news/1375015/%D9%BE%D8%B2%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%AF-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%85%E2%80%8C%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C%E2%80%8C%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF Pezeshkia]]][[File:Comintern Logo.svg|thumb|Cuba has collapsed. We will handle that as soon as we take care of the Islamic Republic of IranWe will take good care of them. We will let them go back to their land, invest in Cuba, and be with their families. We have very good plan… then on our way back, we’ll make a little brief stop These are unbelievable people. Energetic. Entrepreneurial. Some of the richest people in Miami are Cuban[https://en.cibercuba.com/noticias/2026-06-05-u1-e199894-s27061-nid331291-trump-asegura-cubanos-quieren-presencia-estados Trump]]] [[File:Abbas Araghchi in a interview with khamenei.ir (cropped 2).jpg|thumb|The building where we were sitting was targeted, but the wing we were in remained intact , After returning from the Geneva negotiations on Friday, I went to his office at 9 a.m. on Saturday to present my report, My report was about the negotiations and the atmosphere that emerged on Friday, which made the possibility of war much greater, When I got out from under the rubble, I was only thinking about whether he had been the target of the strike or not ~Iraqchi[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202606047013 ]]][[File:Donald Trump official portrait.jpg|thumb|If Iran surrenders, admits their Navy is gone and resting at the bottom of the sea, and their Air Force is no longer with us, and if their entire Military walks out of Tehran, weapons dropped and hands held high, each shouting “I surrender, I surrender” while wildly waving the representative White Flag, and if their entire remaining Leadership signs all necessary “Documents of Surrender,” and admit their defeat to the great power and force of the magnificent U.S.A., The Failing New York Times, The China Street Journal (WSJ!), Corrupt and now Irrelevant CNN, and all other members of the Fake News Media, will headline that Iran had a Masterful and Brilliant Victory over The United States of America, it wasn’t even close ~ Trump[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605262547 ]]][[File:Official portrait of Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent (borderless) (cropped).jpg|thumb|We have seized about a billion dollars of their crypto, Just outright grabbed the wallets. I think between five and a half-six weeks of an incredibly successful military campaign and then Operation Economic Fury, where we have really cut them off … they are at the end of their tether now financially. We didn't have regime change but we changed the regime, on one side, we have a theocracy with the clerics. On the other side, we have a thug autocracy with the IRGC. And you've got to convince both sides.[https://www.foxbusiness.com/media/scott-bessent-says-us-seized-roughly-1b-iranian-crypto-regime-nears-end-tether ~Bessent]]][[File:Official portrait of Secretary Marco Rubio (cropped)(2).jpg|thumb|One of the things you'll find pretty consistently in every totalitarian system is that they want to control the ability of their citizens to communicate with one another ~Rubio [https://x.com/StateDept/status/2062260777348718963 ]]] [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Blockade Plus : Sustain the blockade and accompanying economic warfare to destabilize the regime’s hold on the state; remake the world in America’s energy dominance image to mitigate long-term price impacts while undermining China’s global ambition to defeat the United States; and order the US military to forge a path through the Strait of Hormuz to restore freedom of navigation [https://nypost.com/2026/05/01/opinion/heres-how-to-crush-tehran-in-three-moves/ ]]] [[File:Pirate Flag of Jack Rackham.svg|thumb|We took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business . . . We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates. - Trump[https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/]]] [[File:Flag of the United States Secretary of the Army.svg|thumb|God is good~Hegseth[https://www.cnn.com/2026/04/06/politics/hegseth-trump-iran-war-easter-christianity-analysis ]]][[File:TrinityDetonation1945GIF.gif|thumb|If there's no ceasefire, you're just going to have to look at one big glow coming out of Iran. President DJT[https://www.skynews.com.au/world-news/united-states/one-big-glow-coming-out-of-iran-trumps-wild-threat-as-he-hints-peace-deal-talks-might-collapse/video/8a668c00deaff3d27568bc78441e4a29 ]]] [[File:Seal_of_the_Army_of_the_Guardians_of_the_Islamic_Revolution.svg|thumb|Having an atomic bomb is used to scare the enemy, and we should not use this bomb on the people in any way, unless it happens.[http://didbaniran.ir/fa/tiny/news-281553 Nataj]]][[File:Donald Trump OEF.jpg|thumb|Trump: "I think the war is very complete, pretty much" (Mar 9th)]] [[File:Shajareh_Tayyebeh_school_in_Minab_photos_from_Mehr_(12).jpg|thumb|The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, {{w|2026 Minab school attack|a few weeks ago}}, you bomb the schools, you bomb the hospitals. - [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]] [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/] ]] On 28 February 2026, [[Israel]] and the [[United States]] launched a '''[[w:2026 Iran War|coordinated joint attack]]''' on multiple sites in [[Iran]], sparking a major conflict. The operation, codenamed '''Operation Roaring Lion''' and '''Operation Epic Fury''' by the [[w:United States Department of Defense|U.S. Department of Defense]], targeted senior Iranian officials, military command centers, and key strategic facilities, with the declared aim of [[w:regime change|regime change]]. The attack included the [[w:Assassination of Ali Khamenei|assassination]] of Iran’s second [[w:Supreme Leader of Iran|Supreme Leader]], [[Ali Khamenei]]. The strikes began in the cities of [[Tehran]], [[w:Isfahan|Isfahan]], [[w:Qom|Qom]], [[w:Karaj|Karaj]], and [[w:Kermanshah|Kermanshah]]. Several Iranian government figures were killed, including [[w:Ali Shamkhani|Ali Shamkhani]], the secretary of the [[w:Supreme National Security Council|Supreme National Security Council]]. Witnesses reported explosions across multiple regions. Israeli Defense Minister [[w:Israel Katz|Israel Katz]] confirmed that the [[w:Israel Defense Forces|Israel Defense Forces]] had conducted the strikes. [[w:Donald Trump|Donald Trump]], in a video posted on [[w:Truth Social|Truth Social]], announced that the United States had joined Israel in launching attacks against Iran. In retaliation, Iranian forces launched dozens of [[w:Unmanned aerial vehicles in the Iranian military|drones]] and [[w:ballistic missiles|ballistic missiles]] across the [[w:Persian Gulf|Persian Gulf]], targeting Israel as well as U.S. military installations in [[Jordan]], [[Kuwait]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Qatar]], [[Iraq]], [[Saudi Arabia]], and the [[United Arab Emirates]]. [[File:Khamenei last end year 5458884.jpg|thumb|The newly supreme appointed leader should deliver message of the peace to world and declare new era in Iran , a historic neccessity to free political prisoners and declare public general amnesty for those that haven't collaborated in killing Iranians and/or 2026 Iran massacres [https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3198657-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D9%87%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%BA%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%81%D9%88-%D8%B9%D9%85%D9%88%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%84%D9%88%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A2%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B9%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%86%DB%8C-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B6%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AE%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ]]][[File:Mojtaba Khamenei 2019.jpg|thumb|Well, they [CIA] did say [He's gay], but I don’t know if it was only them. I think a lot of people are saying that. Which puts him off to a bad start in that particular country[https://www.firstpost.com/world/a-bad-start-in-iran-trump-says-cia-told-him-mojtaba-khamenei-is-gay-13993618.html Trump]]][[File:Flag of the Cooperation Council for the Arab States of the Gulf.svg|thumb|Trump is hysterical and struggling with last final breaths. Americans are at the end of their rope. Enemy is caught in desperate swamp...Netanyahu pumped up US to attack, we will exact vengeance...Trump you are a retarded person, ...we are funneling through pass of war,... Iranians have civilization, countries of region are acting like cuckold pimps... Trump says some people within of our military have defected give us 2 of these people names to us[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421052/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%82%D8%A8-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF ~Larijani][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77421726/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B3-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AE%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%88 ][https://farsnews.ir/mohammadreza_dehghan/1772912586911483130/%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%86%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ]]][[File:State_flag_of_Iran_(1964%E2%80%931980).svg|thumb|Seventeen 17 cities of Caucasian Iran was separated from Iran by Tsar Russia. We are reborn from ashes of Mongol invasion and Timurid.[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77413081/%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9 ]]] == Quotes == <small>Please add quotes in chronological order</small> ===Feb 2026=== * Will someone please tell [[Pope Leo XIV|Pope Leo]] that Iran has killed at least 42,000 innocent, completely unarmed, protesters in the last two months? **[https://www.wsj.com/livecoverage/iran-us-strait-of-hormuz-blockade-updates/card/trump-criticizing-pope-says-iran-killed-at-least-42-000-protesters-gtRzVnxAMEMeQ8b5ygR2 Trump] *I guess the worst case would be five years we do this and somebody takes over who's as bad as the previous person, **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/03/03/us/politics/trump-iran-leaders.html Trump] *We have lost our great leader, and we deeply mourn him. We'll severely punish the perpetrators. , with an exceptionally severe, decisive, and painful punishment. We'll resolutely confront domestic and foreign conspiracies and punish the aggressors. **[https://baike.baidu.com/en/item/Grand%20Ayatollah%20Seyyed%20Ali%20Khamenei/1512308#4-5:~:text=On-,February%2028%2C%202026,-%2C%20local%20time%2C%20Iranian IRGC]15:27, 28 Febr 2026 (UTC)~ *Finally, to the great, proud people of Iran, I say tonight that the hour of your freedom is at hand… Stay sheltered. Don't leave your home. It's very dangerous outside. Bombs will be dropping everywhere . when we are finished, take over your government. It will be yours to take. This will be probably your only chance for **Trump [https://www.pbs.org/newshour/world/read-trumps-full-statement-on-iran-attack PRESIDENT TRUMP's message to the great people of Iran ..] *firm of heart against the disbelievers, compassionate among themselves. **Khamenei quoted Quran[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77473280/%D8%A3%D8%B4%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D9%81%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%AD%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%A1-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87%D9%85 ] *There's a special place in hell reserved for pro-Trump Iranians. **IRGC Mashre Dimitri Lascaris [https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177328434067132 ] *400,000 armed people are ready to go to revolt against the United States government system **Gen Araste[https://www.ettelaat.com/news/140255/%DB%B4%DB%B0%DB%B0-%D9%87%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF#ref=shahrekhabar ] *Russia and China will win the war not just Iran **IRGC Gen RahimSafavi[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177326496039426 ] *We have arm around Americans neck we will be slapping it when it moves **IRGC Gen Mohsen rezai[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77471755/%D9%85%D8%AD%D8%B3%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%BE%D8%B4%D8%AA-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AA%DA%A9%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%DB%8C%DA%A9 ] *If anyone comes to street they are seen as enemies and not as protestors.All our kids are putting their finger on triggers all alleys , streets , city squares belong to Police, special units and The IRGC Basij. **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Ahmed Radan[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462710/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B3%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D9%88-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%B6 ] * I can see that the peace deal is within our reach... if we... allow [[diplomacy]] the space it needs to get there... I don't think any alternative to diplomacy is going to solve this problem. ...The [[heart]] of this deal is very important and ...we have captured that heart. ...[I]f the ultimate objective is to ensure forever, that Iran cannot have a [[Nuclear weapons|nuclear bomb]] ...we have cracked that problem ...[W]e are talking about zero stockpiling ...[I]f you cannot stockpile material that is enriched ...there is no way you can ...create a bomb ...and ...equally important ...full and comprehensive verification by the [[w:International Atomic Energy Agency|IAEA]] ...The current stockpiles ...will be down-blended to the lowest level possible ...and converted into fuel that ...will be irreversible. ...I am ...confident ...that even the United States inspectors will have access at some point ...if we have a deal that is respected, and fair, and ...durable ...We have agreed, in general, to discuss economic and security cooperation between Iran and its neighbors, and set up a process of dialogue that will ...start the elements of building confidence, ...a rapport, a process that can ...lead ...to an understanding on all these ...areas of concern ...on the Iranian side, and ...on the [[w:Gulf Cooperation Council|GCC]] side. ...Broad terms, ...the politics, the ...main issues ...can be agreed [upon] tomorrow. The technicalities will take some time to work... out with... the IAEA. ...[T]hat can also be done ...relatively quickly, because a lot of this ...groundwork was done years ago, and it's ...in place. ...The substantial progress... is... far more than any time before. We just need that bit of extra time to close the deal. ** {{w|Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi}}, "Oman's foreign minister says U.S.-Iran nuclear 'deal is within our reach'" (Feb 27, 2026) ''{{w|Face the Nation}}'' statements prior to the US-Israeli attacks. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pg5sXQDR8NY&t=38s A Youtube video source.] *Mahdi is with us and in charge of Umma, he has through Assembly of Experts introduced Ayatallah Mojtaba Khamenei **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328896/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B9%D8%AC-%D9%88%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%86%DA%A9%D8%AA%D9%87 Hossein Shariatmadare] *The revolution will not sit down until flag of Mahdi is raised on all corners of earth **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328901/%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%D9%87%E2%80%8C%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AC%D8%AA%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA Hossein Shariatmadare] *To save his soldiers Trump has gone to Volodymir Zelensky president-clown of Ukraine for aid **[https://kayhan.ir/fa/news/328922/%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D8%AF%D9%84%D9%82%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D8%AF Hossein Shariatmadare] *War's balance changed and Islamic Republic of Iran has the upper hand, there won't be a negotiatons any country who helps America will be targeted as enemy **[https://tasnimnews.ir/fa/news/1404/12/19/3537514/%D9%85%D9%88%D9%81%D9%82%DB%8C%D8%AA-90-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%B5%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B4%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D9%87%D9%BE%D8%A7%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%86%D9%81%D8%B9-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ICA] *A vessel has passed through Hormuz strait , an United States (US) military navy escorted her. In Playstation **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461463/%D9%88%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%B9%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%BA%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87 ] *We have only just begun our missiles have left utter ruin and destruction ,Netanyahu won't let you see **Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77462291/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%B4%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B9-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Our enemy is the stupidest idiot. Our defense system is an ideology not just a defense system, while when we hit Haifa their people were begging for car gas **FARAJA Cmdr Gen Achmed Radan [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77460868/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D9%85%D9%82-%D8%AA%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF ] *Your children shall read Quran while sitting by the missile launchers tonight. **Gen Mousavi [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77461610/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%88%DB%8C-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A8-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%86%DA%86%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%B1-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF ] [[File:HIMARS Support Operation Epic Fury (9564974).jpg|thumb|Operation Epic Fury]] ===Mar 2026=== *I can't tell I may have a plan or I may not, Marco would put me on a helicopter. **Trump [https://news.meaww.com/video/marco-would-put-me-on-a-helicopter-trump-jokes-on-kharg-island-question-says-i-cant-tell ] *All vessels shall not pass Hormuz Strait **IRGCN Gen Ali Tangsiri[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6771339/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D9%87%DB%8C%DA%86-%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AA%D8%A8%D8%B7-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%AA%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B2%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2 ] *How much of a cuckold is American president, Australian police has taken our girls out of the hotel and forced and made them to apply for asylum **Mehdi Taj Chairman National Football Federation[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77458637/%D9%85%D9%87%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A6%DB%8C%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%85%D9%87%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%DA%86%D9%87-%D8%AD%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%AC%D9%84%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AC ] *We are prepared to wage war against America for next at least another 10 year **IRGC Gen Jabari[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449662/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B4%D8%A7%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%81%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%DA%A9%D9%84-%D8%B3%D9%BE%D8%A7%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B9%D9%86%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D8%AF%D9%85-%D9%85%D8%B7%D9%84%D8%B9-%D9%85%DB%8C-%DA%AF%D9%88%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D9%87 ] *Iran is the conscious of the humanity, its real dignity and glory. It is chosen people fighting for the Victory of the Light. It it Ormuzd, Ishraq. Mahdi people. **Dugin Alexander[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77392273/%D8%AA%D9%88%DB%8C%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D9%88%DA%AF%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%BE%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86 ] *The recent war is between good and evil **ICA[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77432191/%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%D8%AE%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%AD%D9%82-%D9%88-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B7%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ] *Like thunder we will strike Haifa **IRGC Gen Seid mousavi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77449498/%D8%B3%D8%B1%D9%84%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B1-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%84%D9%87%DB%8C-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B5%D8%A7%D8%B9%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AD%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D9%BE%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87 ] * Iran’s leaders before the attack had been clear that they were willing to negotiate on the nuclear question. Talks were ongoing... There had appeared to be a good basis for agreement, given... an Iranian government that... was not in a position to enrich uranium... for the foreseeable future. ...Americans ...were deeply unhappy with the results of America’s last big wars of {{w|regime change}} ...[[War in Afghanistan (2001–2021)|in Afghanistan]] [[Iraq War|and Iraq]]. At the beginning of this joint [[w:2026 Iran war|US–Israel campaign against Iran]], only about a third of Americans supported the adventure... ** Dana Allin, "US politics and the war against Iran" (Mar 2, 2026) [https://www.iiss.org/online-analysis/online-analysis/2026/02/the-us-israel-campaign-in-iran/ "The US-Israel campaign in Iran"] @[[w:International Institute for Strategic Studies|IISS]].org *This is a war that should end it once and for all. ::[https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6764020/%D9%86%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%B2%D8%A7%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AF ICA] (Mar 2 2026) *Our Brave and Powerful Armed Forces will avenge each and every Iranian mother, , father, and child who has been targeted by hostile forces. **foreign minister Abbas Iraqchi[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77405403/%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%88%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%AD-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%AA%DA%A9-%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA ] *There is no shelter you can be safe **[https://www.shahrekhabar.com/news/177298212045678 IRGC text] *We will fill Americans' coffins there is no end to war unless they fully surrender. **IRGC operations mission statement[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77389339 ] *Trump is more than 500 Americans killed dead America first or israel first. Inshallah Khamenei killing has heavy price **Larijani[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77384703/%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%AD%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A8-%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%87%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DB%8C%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D9%88%D9%84-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] * Irregardless of cost. Not unlike United States of America. Same as Iran has not in past 300 years started wars, Iran is ready for long war. ** [[w:Ali Larijani|Ali Larijani]], Secretary of the Supreme National Security Council of Iran. [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77359057 Source (in Persian)] *Now that we have baited America do not make ceasefire and/or peace we must destroy them ::Ayatallah Panahian[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388174/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%AA-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%BE%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B6%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%86%D9%BE%D8%B0%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AF ] *From us Iranian people only President son Aga Yusuf Pezeshkian and his buddies have internet connection. ::[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77388864/%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%81%D9%82%D8%B7-%D8%A2%D9%82%D8%A7-%DB%8C%D9%88%D8%B3%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B4-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF Payamemam] * These attacks from Israel and the United States... were unprovoked. There was no immanent threat. Many would interpret this war to be an illegal war. ** Evaleila Pesaran, [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nJnVYpbKuM&t=600s "The war with Iran: An expert analysis"] (Mar 2, 2026) Youtube video from [[University of Cambridge|Cambridge University]] channel. * I see no indication that ...those institutions are weak or fraying or that you can destroy ...[them] from the air. ...[T]his administration is trying to justify the war the same way [[Jackson Pollock]] used to paint. You just throw a bucket of reasons up against the canvas and hope the result looks good. ...Iranian missiles ... [as] a threat to the United States... falls short of the truth by about 4,000 miles ...[I]f we're doing preventative wars now to prevent countries that might one day be a threat, is [[North Korea]]... [[China]]... [[Russia]] in line? I don't think so. ...I can't make head or tails out of the reason this administration has put forward for this war. ** [[w:Alan Eyre (diplomat)|Alan Eyre]], "Expert panel breaks down U.S. objectives in Iran war" (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|PBS News Hour}}''. * Once again, America is going to war for Israel. Once again, many will die for the Zionist state, including American service members. Once again, we will stumble blindly into a military fiasco. Once again, we will do the bidding of a foreign power whose interests are not our interests, but whose lobbyists have bought up our political class, including Donald Trump. Once again, we will violate the U.N. charter by attacking a country that does not pose an imminent threat. ** [[Chris Hedges]], [https://scheerpost.com/2026/03/01/going-to-war-again-for-israel/ Going to War, Again, for Israel]. ScheerPost. (March 1, 2026) * If the [[Precedents|precedent]] that is being set is, "Any country with super * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} * [I]t is in many ways a final battle to decide what [[World War II]] was all about. Will [[international law]] crumble as a result of the unwillingness of enough countries to protect the rules of civilized [[law]] supporting the principles of [[Westphalian sovereignty|national sovereignty]], free from foreign interference and [[coercion]] from the 1648 {{w|Peace of Westphalia}} to the [[Charter of the United Nations|UN Charter]]? And with regard to wars that inevitably are to be waged, will they spare {{w|civilian}}s and non-belligerents... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.counterpunch.org/2026/03/02/the-us-israeli-attack-was-to-prevent-peace-not-advance-it/ "The US/Israeli Attack Was to Prevent Peace Not Advance It"] (Mar 2, 2026) @''{{w|Counterpunch}}'' *The American philosophy is, number one, you bomb civilians, you break all the rules of international law which are against that. You bomb civilians to demoralize them. And if you concentrate, as Trump did, along with Israel, a few weeks ago, you {{w|2026 Minab school attack|bomb the schools}}, you bomb the hospitals. That’s American policy in foreign countries. It’s most visible in the case of Israeli policy, in Gaza, and now the West Bank as well. And it is the same policy that the United States has followed in Iran. ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/03/29/war-iran-change-economy-michael-hudson/ "The war on Iran is transforming the global economy: Economist Michael Hudson explains how"] (Mar 29, 2026) @Geopolitical Economy Report * Whenever a state chooses to go to [[war]]... you have to ask—where is the [[w:Intelligence assessment|intelligence]] on the threat? ...[T]he Trump administration ...in hurry mode ...chose to set [[diplomacy]] aside, despite the fact that the [mediating] [[w:Badr bin Hamad Al Busaidi#Diplomatic career|Omani foreign minister]] ...was convinced that remarkable progress had been made on the issue of [[Nuclear program of Iran|Iranian nuclear weapons]] ...[T]wo other arguments for the war: that the US faced an imminent threat from [[Iran]], and that Iran’s {{w|ballistic missile}} capability threatened the United States. Scratch this last claim—it’s simply not [[Truth|true]] ...Why would a much-weakened [[Islamic Republic of Iran|Islamic Republic]] pose an "imminent threat" ..? [[Marco Rubio]] has come forward with an absurd argument ...Does anyone truly believe that Israel would go it alone ...without US backing, that the operation was not jointly planned? ...This is all desperate [[storytelling]], not intelligence. ** {{w|Wesley Wark}}, "[https://thewalrus.ca/iran-foreign-policy-experts/ Eight Experts on What You’re Not Being Told about the War in Iran:] The questions that aren’t making it into the battlefield dispatches" (Mar 3, 2026) @''{{w|The Walrus}}'' * Ironically, the greatest beneficiaries of the United States’ grave [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]]s of [[international law]] are the very actors whom, under normal circumstances, Washington would be seeking to restrain: [[Moscow]] will be emboldened to continue its barbaric [[w:Russo-Ukrainian war|assault on Ukraine]], while [[China]] will feel empowered to move on [[Taiwan]]. ** [[w:Stephanie Turco Williams|Stephanie T. Williams]], "Flying blind" (March 2, 2026) [https://www.brookings.edu/articles/after-the-strike-the-danger-of-war-in-iran/ "After the strike: The danger of war in Iran"] [[w:Brookings Institution|Brookings]]. * Iran negotiators had agreed... not to have an [[Nuclear weapons|atom bomb]]... to reduce their refined uranium, to shift the refined uranium outside of the country, and to submit to an unprecedented degree of oversight... But none of this was about an atom bomb... The... reason that America has attacked Iran... was to control Near Eastern oil... and [[David Petraeus|General Petraeus]], years ago, had outlined this whole plan... "...all of your profits and rents from the oil will be lent back to the United States, ...priced in dollars and invested in U.S. Treasury securities, U.S. bonds and U.S. stocks, so that the money, the vast dollar inflows from your oil exports, will all be part of the U.S. economy."<br />I sat in on meetings in the {{w|White House}} in 1974 when this was discussed... ** [[Michael Hudson (economist)|Michael Hudson]], [https://www.democracynow.org/2026/3/3/michael_hudson_economist_trump_iran_attack A War for Oil:] Economist Michael Hudson on U.S. Quest to Control the World’s Oil Trade (Mar 3, 2026) @{{w|Democracy Now!}} *It's going to be... tempting for countries to think that in a world where there are no rules.., no [[w:Law of war|rules of war]], where that [[w:Liberal international order|post-war liberal order]], imperfect as it was, is now completely being disregarded.., that makes the world more dangerous for all of us. ...[T]here was an [[order]] of some kind ...a view that a degree of [[w:Consensus decision-making|international consensus]] was necessary ...before ...[[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervening in foreign countries]]. There were rules of war... [A]ll of us need to be... very thoughtful about supporting the creation of a world where anything goes, and [[might makes right]]. ...[[United States|America]] is still the preeminent [[power]], the {{w|superpower}}, the global [[Hegemony|hegemon]]. ...I hope this is a moment for Americans to reflect on the facts that the rules-based international order, which did act as a constraint on American power, also provided America with some meaningful [[protection]]. ** [[Chrystia Freeland]], Chrystia Freeland on Iran, Ukraine, and Global Power Shifts | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}'' (Mar 3, 2026) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlj_beVDuxg&t=196s 3:16.] * [I]f it's... possible that there are about to be acts of [[terrorism]] by [[Iran]] inside the United States, how can [[United States Congress|Congress]] continue to blockade funds for the [[w:United States Department of Homeland Security|Department of Homeland Security]] until it gets [[reform]]s... including an end to the [[lying]]..? You're going to see a real press by the [[Second presidency of Donald Trump|Trump administration]] to say, "Release the funds and let the Department... resume... operations.., including falsely calling people terrorists if they operate a camera near an immigration agent." You're going to see attacks on the [[freedom of the press]]. This administration... regards it as illegal, criminal, for reporters simply to ask questions of [[The Pentagon|Pentagon employees]]... Only the designated leaders... get to speak... and if they're... saying things that look like they might not be [[Truth|true]], you can't second guess or question them. We have had many instances... of false indications of [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|emergency powers]]. The whole [[w:Tariffs in the second Trump administration|tariff nonsense]]... rested on [[Falsehood|false claims]] of the president... about economic emergency. ...[N]ow there's a real [[war]].., a real risk of terrorist activity... That's a much more plausible emergency.., and... what [[Courts|court]] will say, "We don't think you're telling the truth about this either"? ...So there will be new assertions of emergency power... [P]eople who have the president's ear have been urging him to use emergency powers against the [[w:2026 United States elections|elections of 2026]]. The possibility of that... are much higher today... than... a week ago. ...We're moving into extraordinary danger to democratic institutions. The [[w:2026 Iran war|war in Iran]]... is an urgent [[w:Domestic policy of the second Trump administration|domestic policy]] question... a massive grant of power to a president and administration that have proven... that they will [[Abuse of power|abuse any powers]] that they are en[[trust]]ed with. ** [[David Frum]], "[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=190s No Exit from Trump's War:] with Tom Nichols" The David Frum Show. A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. (Mar 4 2026) *"Senate votes down resolution to stop Trump from continuing war with Iran" (Mar 4, 2026) **<small>''{{w|The Independent}}''. [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/senate-iran-war-vote-trump-powers-resolution-b2932221.html Source.]</small> *Nobody gets to hide and give the president an easy pass or an end-run around the Constitution. Everybody's got to declare whether they're for this war or against it. ** Sen. [[Tim Kaine]] *War is ugly, it always has been ugly, but we're taking out a regime that has been trying to attack us for quite some time. ** Sen. [[Markwayne Mullin]] *I learned when I was fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan, that when elites in Washington bang the war drums, pound their chest, talk about the costs of war and act tough, they're not talking about them doing it, they're not talking about their kids. They're talking about working class kids like us. ** Rep. [[Jason Crow]] * Why are we going into Iran? ...[I]t is the president's [[wikt:vainglory#Noun|vainglory]]. He thinks he's on a roll, that... this is easy to do; that you can [[w:2026 United States intervention in Venezuela|knock off dictatorships like Venezuela]], and then have a parade; that this solves a lot of his problems. It gets people not talking about the [[Epstein files]]. ...[A] huge chunk of [[Donald Trump]]'s [[Foreign policy of the United States|foreign policy]] is rooted in trying to get people to stop talking about the Epstein files. ...[H]e is that [[wikt:narrow-minded#Adjective|narrow]] and [[wikt:crass#Adjective|crass]]. ...Now he's going to say he's a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|war president]]. That means you can't criticize me... I can stomp on the press... I can declare a [[w:Powers of the president of the United States#Emergency powers|national emergency]]. ...As the [[Parliament of the United Kingdom|British Parliament]] said... in [~]1944... "This is not a propitious time for an [[Elections|election]]." ...[[wikt:mischief#Noun|[M]ischief]] comes with a war because... presidential war powers... become almost unchallengeable. ** [[w:Tom Nichols (academic)|Tom Nichols]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w7KOoD8sCs&t=797s Trump’s War With Iran and a New Danger at Home] | The [[David Frum]] Show (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from ''{{w|The Atlantic}}'' channel. *[[Donald Trump|The president]] was not going to be just another president on a very long list who sat back and stood by and passed the buck of this direct threat to the next administration. The president had a feeling, again, based on fact, that Iran was going to strike the United States, was going to strike our assets in the region, and he made a determination to launch Operation Epic Fury based on all of those reasons. **[[Karoline Leavitt]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-war-white-house-briefing-b2931933.html "Karoline Leavitt insists Trump had a ‘feeling based on fact’ before Iran strikes but still won’t detail imminent threat to US"]], ''The Independent'' (05 March 2026) *[T]o take on the extraordinary risks... without having made the case with the American people.., citing immanent threats that aparently don't exist... that's problematic, and the chances of unintended consequences... are... very serious... [W]e're... using.., in many cases very expensive weapons to take down $20,000 drones. That's not a good equation... over time. ...I'm worried about ...second and third order consequences ...we so deplete our arsenal, and it takes a long time to rebuild ...puts us in a disadvantageous position when it comes to ...a [[China]] or ...[[Russia]]. ...[M]uch as ...everyone should want to see a change... it may simply ...reinforce the [[Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps|IRGC]] ...[I]t's very hard to produce regime change from outside. You can't bomb your way to it. ...The [[wikt:red flag#Noun|red flag]] ...is that this could be [[Syrian civil war|Syria]] [[wikt:redux#Noun|redux]] or ...[[Libyan Crisis (2011–present)|Libya]] redux ...the country fracturing, imploding or even exploding with [[refugee]]s and [[w:International migration|migration]].., [[Extremism|extremist]] groups taking hold... It's incredibly ...[[dangerous]]. ...[I]t's never too late for [[diplomacy]]. ...<br />[W]hen [[Russia]] is ...reaching a weak point because of its dependence on oil to fuel its war economy ...they get a lifeline, ...the price of oil is going up. The [[Europe|Europeans]], in having moved away from Russian gas, are now more dependent on the [[Middle East]]. ...If the {{w|Strait of Hormuz}} gets tied up ...that's ...a lot of pressure ...So mapping out, gaming out, planning out and ...making sure you have something in place to deal with ...second and third order effects is ...important, and it's not ...clear ...that was done ...There's been a shifting rationale ...[or] explanation for why this, why now? ...That's why it's so important to have ...laid this out before the American people, and our partners and allies. We might have had less friction with them if there was a compelling case ...and had them on the take-off, not mid-flight or on the landing. ** [[Antony Blinken]], [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHgG-lkOi6w&t=74s "Former Secretary of State on the Two Keys to Ending Iran War"] (Mar 4, 2026) A Youtube video from the [[w:Bloomberg News|Bloomberg]] Podcasts channel. *Majority of Experts Assembly has come to pick next leader who is Seid. **Dirbaz[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764537-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C ] (Mar 8 2026) * Unprovoked attacks by the [[United States|US]] and [[Israel]]... violate the fundamental prohibition on the use of [[force]], [[Sovereignty|sovereign]] [[equality]], {{w|territorial integrity}}, and the [[duty]] to [[Peace|peacefully]] settle disputes... They also violate the {{w|right to life}}... We cannot pick and choose when [[international law]] applies. Unlawful [[military]] [[w:Interventionism (politics)|intervention]] is not a solution... These attacks do not strike military abstractions – they strike people... {{w|Civilian}}s are bearing the brunt of this war... In a country that has already lost thousands to [[Violence|violent]] [[Political repression|repression]]... these attacks deepen... profound human [[tragedy]]... The targeting of civilians, educational facilities, and medical institutions constitutes a grave violation of [[international humanitarian law]] and [[w:International human rights law|human rights law]]... Any path forward must be grounded in the [[rule of law]], the will of the [[Iranians|Iranian people]], and full accountability for the [[wikt:violation#Noun|violation]] of international law, by all parties... ** {{w|Mai Sato}}, [[w:Cecilia Bailliet|Cecilia M. Bailliet]], {{w|Astrid Puentes Riaño}}, {{w|Alexandra Xanthaki}}, {{w|Farida Shaheed}}, Surya Deva, {{w|Margaret Satterthwaite}}, {{w|Gina Romero}}, Nicolas Levrat, [[w:Richard Bennett (UN)|Richard Bennett]], Tomoya Obokata, [[w:Mary Lawlor (human rights advocate)|Mary Lawlor]], {{w|Ben Saul}}, {{w|Alice Jill Edwards}}, [[Francesca Albanese]], Morris Tidball-Binz, {{w|Siobhán Mullally}}, Gabriella Citroni, Grażyna Baranowska, Aua Baldé, Ana Lorena Delgadillo Pérez, {{w|Bina D'Costa}}, {{w|Claudia Flores}}, Ivana Krstić, {{w|Dorothy Estrada-Tanck}}, Haina Lu, [[Reem Alsalem]], {{w|Paula Gaviria Betancur}}, Elizabeth Salmón, Mariana Katzarova (Special Procedures of the Human Rights Council, volunteer Special Rapporteurs/Independent Experts/Working Groups) [https://www.ohchr.org/en/press-releases/2026/03/iran-un-experts-call-de-escalation-and-accountability "Iran: UN experts call for de-escalation and accountability"] (Mar 4, 2026) [[w:Office of the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights|OHCHR]]. * [[Mohammed bin Salman|The Crown Prince]] and other [[w:Arab states of the Persian Gulf|Gulf]] leaders have been urging America not to undertake military action against Iran, because all of us believe... action will not remain confined to Iran; that Iran will retaliate against American in the area, which is present in all of the Gulf states, and as far away as [[Turkey]]... They've been warning the Americans not to undertake military action and suffer the consequences. ...I don't think the system in Iran will collapse any time soon. ...Iranian leadership has been preparing for an eventuality like this, because of what they have continued to hear from [[Benjamin Netanyahu|Mr. Netanyahu]] in the past 40 years. He has been calling for the destruction of Iran, and so the Iranians... have been preparing themselves for such an eventuality. ...The only way the system will go... is through the Iranian people. ** {{w|Turki bin Faisal Al Saud}}, "Fmr. Saudi Intelligence Chief Discusses Gulf States' Reaction to Iran Attacks | ''{{w|Amanpour and Company}}''" [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LfGcX4XuZ5A&t=62s 1:02,] 5:08. * Iran just stated that they are going to hit very hard today, harder than they have ever been hit before.., THEY BETTER NOT DO THAT, HOWEVER, BECAUSE IF THEY DO, WE WILL HIT THEM WITH A FORCE THAT HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN BEFORE! ** [[Donald J. Trump]], post on Truth Social, "Trump warns Iran of unprecedented force if it retaliates" (Feb 28, 2026) {{w|Reuters}}. *I think the war is very complete, pretty much. [Iran has] no navy, no communications, they've got no air force. Their missiles are down to a scatter. Their drones are being blown up all over the place, including their manufacturing of drones. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.cbsnews.com/news/trump-iran-cbs-news-the-war-is-very-complete-strait-hormuz/ "Trump says 'the war is very complete,' and he's considering taking over Strait of Hormuz"], ''CBS News'' (Mar 9 2026) *US officials are posting fake news to manipulate narkets. It won't protect them from inflationary tsunami they've imposed on Americans Markets are facing biggest shortfall in HISTORY bigger than Arab Oil Embargo, Kuwait **[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%84%D9%85%D9%84%D9%84-17/764878-%D8%B9%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%82%DA%86%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AC%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 Mr Iraqchi] (Mar 10 2026) *If Iran does anything that stops the flow of Oil within the Strait of Hormuz, they will be hit by the United States of America TWENTY TIMES HARDER than they have been hit thus far. Additionally, we will take out easily destroyable targets that will make it virtually impossible for Iran to ever be built back, as a Nation, again - Death, Fire, and Fury will reign upon them - But I hope, and pray, that it does not happen! This is a gift from the United States of America to China, and all of those Nations that heavily use the Hormuz Strait. Hopefully, it is a gesture that will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://x.com/WhiteHouse/status/2031167037620236703 Trump on TruthSocial] (10 March 2026) *Most definitely we are not seeking ceasefire we will break zionist life cycle of war-negotiations-ceasefire and then war again forever **Moahamedbagher Ghabilaf[https://www.etemadonline.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-9/764797-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86- %D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A6%DB%8C%D9%84 ] (Mar 10 2026) *Take Bahrain back! Annex it **MP Aytallah Resaei Hamid[https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200147-%DB%8C%DA%A9-%D9%86%D9%85%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D8%AD%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%BE%D8%B3-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%85 ], 12 March 2026 *I have seen his body after martyred, I heard he clenched his fist.You people have led the country. The will of the masses is to continue the effective and regrettable defense. Certainly, the leverage of blocking the Strait of Hormuz should still be used. Neighboring countries must make their position clear to the aggressors against our country... In any case, we will demand compensation from the enemy; if they refuse, we will seize as much of their property as we determine; if that is not possible, we will destroy as much of their property as we can. **Mojtaba Khamenei (12 March 2026)[https://www.irna.ir/news/86100475/%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%B8%D9%85-%D8%A7%D9%86%D9%82%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%AA%D8%A7%DA%A9%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D9%82%D8%B4-%D9%88-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AD%D8%B6%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D8%AD%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF ][https://www.khabarfoori.com/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-59/3200277-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%B1%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AE%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B4%D9%85%D8%A7-%D8%B5%D8%B1%D9%81-%D9%86%D8%B8%D8%B1-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%DA%86%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AA%D9%86%DA%AF%D9%87-%D9%87%D8%B1%D9%85%D8%B2-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%B9%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D9%88%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%DB%8C%DA%AF%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Aggression against soil of Iranian islands will shatter all restraint. We will abandon all restraint and make the Persian Gulf run with the blood of invaders. **[https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77477478/%D9%82%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%81-%D9%87%D8%B1%DA%AF%D9%88%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%B9%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%DA%A9-%D8%AC%D8%B2%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%B4%D9%86%D8%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D9%85%DB%8C], ''Qalibaf'' (12 March 2026) *The [[United States]] is the largest Oil Producer in the World, by far, so when oil prices go up, we make a lot of money. BUT, of far greater interest and importance to me, as President, is stoping an evil Empire, Iran, from having Nuclear Weapons, and destroying the [[Middle East]] and, indeed, the World. I won’t ever let that happen! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-updates-supreme-leader-trump-oil-b2937272.html "Iran-US war latest: Supreme leader statement threatens fresh attacks after UK base in Iraq hit by drone swarm"], ''The Independent'' (12 March 2026) *As long as America and Zionist exist humankind will not see quiet. To establish peace they must be destroyed **Aytallah Khatami Imam Tehran [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77485962/%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%AA%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%B5%D9%84%D8%AD-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%B3%D8%AA%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AF ][https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77487036/%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7-%D9%88-%D8%B1%DA%98%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%B5%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B4%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C-%D8%A2%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%B4-%D9%86%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D8%AF-%D8%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF] (13 March 2026) *Just run! **IRGC hebrew text [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499999/%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%DA%A9%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%B3%D8%B1%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%84%D8%A7-%D9%81%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If Americans do heliborne operation on taking over Khark Island we will attack their bases and take prisoners **FM Manouchehr Motaki Iran negotiators [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77500152/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%D8%AA%DA%A9%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7%DB%8C%DB%8C-%D9%87%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AC%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%AE%D8%A7%D8%B1%DA%A9-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B4%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%84-%DA%A9%D9%86%D9%86%D8%AF ] (14 March 2026) *If the [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] games are in [[Mexico]] maybe we will go **Minister of youth & sport [https://sahebkhabar.ir/news/77499588/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%88%D8%B2%DB%8C%D8%B1-%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%B2%D8%B4-%D9%81%DB%8C%D9%81%D8%A7-%D8%A8%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B2%D8%A8%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7], (14 March 2026) *Countries in region are supposed to pay reparations for killing Khamenei. **VP Mohammed Mokhber [https://www.mehrnews.com/news/6774791/%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%DA%A9%D8%B4%D9%88%D8%B1%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%85%D9%86%D8%B7%D9%82%D9%87-%D9%85%DA%A9%D9%84%D9%81-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AC%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AE%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D9%88%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%87-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%87%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%86%D8%AF] (14 March 2026) *When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones. **[[President Trump]] quoted when asked when the war will end: [https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/trump-says-iran-war-will-end-when-i-feel-it-in-my-bones_uk_69b57775e4b09d87d0277fa2 "Trump Says Iran War Will End 'When I Feel It In My Bones'"], ''Huffington Post'' (14 March 2026) *It's a little unfair. You win a war, but they have no right to be doing what they're doing. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c70k29914q4o "Surge in US petrol prices deepens political peril for Trump over Iran"], ''BBC News'' (17 March 2026) *Because of the fact that we have had such Military Success, we no longer “need,” or desire, the NATO Countries’ assistance — WE NEVER DID! Likewise, Japan, Australia, or South Korea. In fact, speaking as President of the United States of America, by far the Most Powerful Country Anywhere in the World, WE DO NOT NEED THE HELP OF ANYONE! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116245182325726375 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (17 Mar 2026) *[[Israel]], out of anger for what has taken place in the Middle East, has violently lashed out at a major facility known as South Pars Gas Field in Iran. A relatively small section of the whole has been hit. The United States knew nothing about this particular attack, and the country of [[Qatar]] was in no way, shape, or form, involved with it, nor did it have any idea that it was going to happen. Unfortunately, Iran did not know this, or any of the pertinent facts pertaining to the South Pars attack, and unjustifiably and unfairly attacked a portion of Qatar’s LNG Gas facility. NO MORE ATTACKS WILL BE MADE BY ISRAEL pertaining to this extremely important and valuable South Pars Field unless Iran unwisely decides to attack a very innocent, in this case, Qatar - In which instance the United States of America, with or without the help or consent of Israel, will massively blow up the entirety of the South Pars Gas Field at an amount of strength and power that Iran has never seen or witnessed before. I do not want to authorize this level of violence and destruction because of the long term implications that it will have on the future of Iran, but if Qatar’s LNG is again attacked, I will not hesitate to do so. **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116253388303392718 Truth Social] (Mar 19, 2026) * Iranian missiles do not differentiate between Muslim and Christian and Jew and whichever religion, they're out there to kill anybody because they feel everybody who doesn't accept their belief is an infidel. **Israeli President [[Isaac Herzog]] following the 2026 Beit Awwa salon strike in the West Bank. (Mar 19, 2026)[https://www.jpost.com/middle-east/iran-news/article-890479] *We are getting very close to meeting our objectives as we consider winding down our great Military efforts in the Middle East with respect to the Terrorist Regime of [[Iran]]: (1) Completely degrading Iranian Missile Capability, Launchers, and everything else pertaining to them. (2) Destroying Iran’s Defense Industrial Base. (3) Eliminating their Navy and Air Force, including Anti Aircraft Weaponry. (4) Never allowing Iran to get even close to Nuclear Capability, and always being in a position where the U.S.A. can quickly and powerfully react to such a situation, should it take place. (5) Protecting, at the highest level, our Middle Eastern Allies, including [[Israel]], [[Saudi Arabia]], [[Qatar]], the [[United Arab Emirates]], [[w:Bahrain|Bahrain]], [[Kuwait]], and others. The [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] will have to be guarded and policed, as necessary, by other Nations who use it — The United States does not! **[[Donald Trump]] on [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116263563453969628 Truth Social] (Mar 20, 2026) [[File:Strait of Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Strait of Hormuz]] *If Iran doesn’t FULLY OPEN, WITHOUT THREAT, the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]], within 48 HOURS from this exact point in time, the United States of America will hit and obliterate their various POWER PLANTS, STARTING WITH THE BIGGEST ONE FIRST! **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clyxv87zwwpo "Trump at a crossroads as US weighs tough options in Iran"], ''BBC News'' (21 March 2026) *In difficult times like these, when events seem both confused and confusing, [[Mark Twain]]’s “broken fragments of antique legends” can remind us of historical analogies like the collapse of the power and influence of [[Great Britain]] or of the [[Soviet Union]] that can help us understand how the past often whispers to the present — as it indeed seems to be doing these days in the [[Strait of Hormuz]]. ** [[Alfred W. McCoy]], [https://inkstickmedia.com/how-the-iran-war-gave-trump-his-very-own-suez-crisis/ "How the Iran War Gave Trump His Very Own Suez Crisis"] (21 March 2026) *No countries that are [[North Atlantic Treaty Organization|NATO]] allies that have been bullied by Trump are going to be willing… to go on this suicide mission for someone who is an asshole to them. **Adam Mockler from [[w:MeidasTouch|MeidasTouch]] quoted telling [[CNN]] in [https://inews.co.uk/news/world/trump-iran-gamble-failed-americas-allies-pay-it-4309972 "Trump’s Iran gamble has failed – and America’s allies will pay for it"], ''iNews'' (March 22, 2026) *Maybe me. Me and the ayatollah, whoever the ayatollah is, whoever the next ayatollah is. There’s automatically a regime change, but we’re dealing with some people that I find to be very reasonable, very solid. The people within know who they are. They’re very respected, and maybe one of them will be exactly what we’re looking for. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on who would control the [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *No negotiations have been held with the US, and fake news is used to manipulate the financial and oil markets and escape the quagmire in which the US and Israel are trapped. **[[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/trump-ayatollah-joint-leadership-hormuz-b2944024.html "Trump proposes extraordinary ‘joint leadership’ of Iran alongside ayatollah"], ''Independent'' (23 March 2026) *Because they’re going to make a deal. They did something yesterday that was amazing, actually. They gave us a present. And the present arrived today. And it was a very big present worth a tremendous amount of money. And I’m not going to tell you what that present is, but it was a very significant prize.… That meant one thing to me—we’re dealing with the right people. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted on negotiations with [[Iran]] in [https://www.newsbreak.com/the-new-republic-1991457/4556482986909-trump-says-he-changed-his-mind-after-iran-gave-very-big-present "Trump Says He Changed His Mind After Iran Gave 'Very Big Present'"], ''Newsbreak'' (24 March 2026) *Has the level of your inner ⁠struggle reached the stage ⁠of you negotiating with yourself? **Iranian Ebrahim Zolfaqari's rhetorical question to Donald Trump quoted in [https://www.aljazeera.com/news/2026/3/25/us-talking-to-itself-says-iran-as-trump-claims-wheels-of-diplomacy-turning "US talking to itself, says Iran as Trump claims wheels of diplomacy turning"], ''Al Jazeera'' (25 March 2026) * The enemy signals negotiation in public, while in secret it plots a ground attack. Our firing continues. Our missiles are in place. Our determination and faith have increased. [Iranian forces] are waiting for the arrival of American troops on the ground to set them on fire and punish their regional partners for ever. ** Iranian parliament speaker, [[w:Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf|Mohammad Bagher Ghalibaf]], quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/mar/29/iran-accuses-us-plotting-ground-assault-publicly-seeking-talks "Iran accuses US of plotting ground assault while publicly seeking talks"], ''Guardian'' (29 March 2026) *This is our God: Jesus, king of peace, who rejects war, whom no one can use to justify war. He does not listen to the prayers of those who wage war, but rejects them. * ([[Isaiah]] 1:15) ‘Even though you make many prayers, I will not listen: your hands are full of blood.’ **[[Pope Leo XIV]] quoting ''Book of Isaiah'', reported in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cje4x38q8xqt?post=asset%3A58d1f907-b13b-443a-b413-d7741b63b566 "'Hands full of blood': Pope Leo seemingly criticises those involved in war"], ''BBC News'' (29 March 2026) ===Apr 2026=== [[File:Gas prices Sonoma, California April 7 2026.jpg|thumb|Trump: We will consider when Hormuz Strait is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting Iran into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages.]] *We're finishing the job, and I think within maybe two weeks, maybe a couple of days longer, to do the job. But we want to knock out every single thing they have. Now, it's possible that we'll make a deal before that. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://newsroom.ap.org/editorial-photos-videos/detail?itemid=ad13f6002bde4e30befd5495f58499d9 "Trump: US could leave Iran in 2 to 3 weeks, securing Strait of Hormuz is 'not for us'"], ''AP News'' (Apr 1, 2026) *We will consider [a ceasefire] when [[w:Hormuz Strait|Hormuz Strait]] is open, free, and clear. Until then, we are blasting [[Iran]] into oblivion or, as they say, back to the Stone Ages. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-speech-stone-age-b2950116.html "Trump threatens both Iran and NATO allies ahead of primetime address on war: ‘Back to the Stone Ages’"], ''Independent'' (Apr 1, 2026) *If hostility escalates, the entire region will turn into hell for you; the illusion of defeating the Islamic Republic of Iran will become a quagmire into which you will sink. **[[w:Ebrahim Zolfaghari|Ebrahim Zolfaghari]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5y90jl8veyo US and "Iran trade threats to unleash 'hell' as search for missing US airman continues"], ''BBC News'' (4 April 2026) *In the attempt to try to prevent Iran from developing a weapon of mass destruction, the US handed Iran a weapon of mass disruption. **Ali Vaez, quoted in [https://www.reuters.com/world/middle-east/us-intelligence-warns-iran-unlikely-ease-hormuz-strait-chokehold-soon-sources-2026-04-03/ Reuters] *Tuesday will be Power Plant Day, and Bridge Day, all wrapped up in one, in Iran. There will be nothing like it!!! Open the Fuckin' Strait, you crazy bastards, or you'll be living in Hell - JUST WATCH! Praise be to Allah. President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvg0q6wdzp1o Trump issues expletive-laden threat to Iran over Hormuz Strait blockage], ''BBC News'' (5 April 2026) * Subject to the Islamic Republic of Iran agreeing to the COMPLETE, IMMEDIATE, and SAFE OPENING of the Strait of Hormuz, I agree to suspend the bombing and attack of Iran for a period of two weeks ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * If attacks against Iran are halted, our Powerful Armed Forces will cease their defensive operations. For a period of two weeks, safe passage through the Strait of Hormuz will be possible via coordination with Iran's Armed Forces and with due consideration of technical limitations. ** Iran’s foreign minister, [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2026/apr/07/trump-iran-war-ceasefire "US and Iran agree to provisional ceasefire as Tehran says it will reopen strait of Hormuz"], ''The Guardian'' (8 April 2026 ) * The Iranians don’t seem to realize they have no cards, other than a short term extortion of the World by using International Waterways. The only reason they are alive today is to negotiate! ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.theguardian.com/world/2026/apr/10/jd-vance-warns-iran-against-trying-to-play-the-us-in-peace-talks "JD Vance warns Iran against trying to ‘play’ the US in peace talks"], ''The Guardian'' (10 April 2026 ) *The simple question is, do we see a fundamental commitment of will for the Iranians not to develop a nuclear weapon, not just now, not just two years from now, but for the long term. We haven’t seen that yet. **[[JD Vance]] quoted in [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-peace-talks-vance-trump-b2956013.html "Why the US-Iran peace talks failed after just one day – and what happens next"], ''The Independent'' (12 April 2026) * We’re going to clean out the strait. **[[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) * We’re very disappointed with [[NATO]], we’re very, very disappointed that they didn’t come. Now, they want to come and they want to help with the strait. **Trump quoted in [https://thehill.com/homenews/administration/5827840-trump-navy-strait-hormuz-blockade/ "US military will ‘clean out’ Strait of Hormuz: Trump"], ''The Hill'' (12 April 2026) [[File:Straße von Hormuz.jpg|thumb|Trump - Iran has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again]] * In line with the ceasefire in Lebanon, the passage for all commercial vessels through [the] [[w:Strait of Hormuz|Strait of Hormuz]] is declared completely open for the remaining period of ceasefire, on the coordinated route as already announced by Ports and Maritime Organisation of the Islamic Rep. of Iran. ** Iran Foreign Minister [[w:Abbas Araghchi|Abbas Araghchi]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cqxdg17yr2wt Iran says Strait of Hormuz is 'open' as Trump says US blockade will continue until deal reached], ''BBC News'' (Apr 17, 2026) * [[Iran]] has agreed to never close the Strait of Hormuz again. It will no longer be used as a weapon against the World! ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116420562510387829 Donald Trump on Truth Social] (Apr 17, 2026) * Based on the fact that the Government of [[Iran]] is seriously fractured, not unexpectedly so and, upon the request of Field Marshal Asim Munir, and Prime Minister [[w:Shehbaz Sharif|Shehbaz Sharif]], of [[Pakistan]], we have been asked to hold our Attack on the Country of Iran until such time as their leaders and representatives can come up with a unified proposal. I have therefore directed our Military to continue the Blockade and, in all other respects, remain ready and able, and will therefore extend the Ceasefire until such time as their proposal is submitted, and discussions are concluded, one way or the other. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cx297218m9vt "Iran says reopening Strait of Hormuz 'impossible' if US blockade continues"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 22, 2026) * We are all 'Iranian' and 'revolutionary,' and with the iron unity of the nation and government, with complete obedience to the Supreme Leader. We will make the aggressor criminal regret his actions. ** Iran's President {{w|Masoud Pezeshkian}} quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c0mjev4kn9jt?page=2 "Trump says Israel-Lebanon ceasefire extended by three weeks, but he won't 'rush' Iran deal"], ''BBC News'' (Apr 24, 2026) ===May 2026=== *Iran has taken some shots at unrelated Nations with respect to the Ship Movement, PROJECT FREEDOM, including a South Korean Cargo Ship. Perhaps it’s time for South Korea to come and join the mission!{{Pbri}}We’ve shot down seven small Boats or, as they like to call them, “fast” Boats. It’s all they have left. Other than the South Korean Ship, there has been, at this moment, no damage going through the Strait. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Dan Caine, will have a News Conference tomorrow morning. ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth], 4 May 2026 *Countries from all over the World. almost all of which are not involved in the Middle Eastern dispute going on so visibly, and violently, for all to see, have asked the United States if we could help free up their Ships. which are locked up in the Strait of Hormuz, on something which they have absolutely nothing to do with - They are merely neutral and innocent bystanders! For the good of Iran, the Middle East, and the United States, we have told these Countries that we will guide their Ships safely out of these restricted Waterways, so that they can freely and ably get on with their business. Again, these are Ships from areas of the World that are not in any way involved with that which is currently taking place in the Middle East. I have told my Representatives to inform them that we will use best efforts to get their Ships and Crews safely out of the Strait. In all cases, they said they will not be returning until the area becomes safe for navigation, and everything else. This process, '''Project Freedom''', will begin Monday morning, Middle East time. I am fully aware that my Representatives are having very positive discussions with the Country of Iran, and that these discussions could lead to something very positive for all. The Ship movement is merely meant to free up people, companies, and Countries that have done absolutely nothing wrong - They are victims of circumstance. This is a Humanitarian gesture on behalf of the United States, Middle Eastern Countries but, in particular, the Country of Iran. Many of these Ships are running low on food, and everything else necessary for large scale crews to stay on board in a healthy and sanitary manner. I think it would go a long way in showing Goodwill on behalf of all of those who have been fighting so strenuously over the last number of months. If, in any way, this Humanitarian process is interfered with, that interference will, unfortunately, have to be dealt with forcefully. Thank you for your attention to this matter! **[https://truthsocial.com/@realdonaldtrump Trump Truth Social Truth] *Quranic verdict of Zarif and Rouhani is execution definitely indeed **Qasemian[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213690/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%82%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%DA%A9%D9%85-%D9%82%D8%B1%D8%A2%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%B1%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%B8%D8%B1%DB%8C%D9%81-%D9%88-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%AD%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D9%82%D8%B7%D8%B9%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B9%D8%AF%D8%A7%D9%85 ]19:05, (3 May 2026) * Do you take out your wife, sister and wife so that unmarried men can look? There is a law, the parliament has approved it. I advise these women who come out without hijab: gather yourself. If these people decide, they will destroy your life. Netanyahu kills people, you beat people's opinion. They come again and appear in the square and street. Will you bring your sister and this woman so that the eyes of non-mahram men will fall on her situation? **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2213662/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%B1%D8%B4%D8%AA-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D9%85%D8%B1%D8%AF%D9%85-%D8%AA%D8%B5%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%85-%D8%A8%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AF-%D8%AF%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B1%D9%88%D8%B2%DA%AF%D8%A7%D8%B1-%D8%A8%DB%8C-%D8%AD%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D9%87%D8%A7 Imam Juma Rasht] (3 May 2026) * Operation Epic Fury is concluded. We achieved the objectives of that operation. ** [[Marco Rubio]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c1wz2ld4535t US "Secretary of State Marco Rubio says offensive stage of Iran war is 'over'"], ''BBC News'' (4 May 2026) * Based on the request of [[Pakistan]] and other Countries, the tremendous Military Success that we have had during the Campaign against the Country of Iran and, additionally, the fact that Great Progress has been made toward a Complete and Final Agreement with Representatives of Iran, we have mutually agreed that, while the Blockade will remain in full force and effect, Project Freedom (The Movement of Ships through the Strait of Hormuz) will be paused for a short period of time to see whether or not the Agreement can be finalized and signed. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c152zyj0599t "Trump says US will pause operation to guide ships through Strait of Hormuz"], ''BBC News'' (6 May 2026) * We have such a great military and great navy. And they were going straight through, and they said, “Turn your ship around!”. And there was no response. “Turn your ship around! Evacuate your engine room immediately!” And you see all these guys running out of there. Now, they’re five miles away — in one shot, into the engine room, blew up the engine room; the ship stopped, and they used tugboats. And then we landed on top of it — on top of everything else — we then land on top of it. And '''we took over the ship; we took over the cargo, took over the oil. It’s a very profitable business'''. Who would have thought we were doing that? '''We’re like pirates. We’re sort of like pirates'''. But we’re not playing games. ** Trump quoted in [https://geopoliticaleconomy.com/2026/05/09/trump-pirates-iran-ships-china-us-sanctions/ Trump boasts ‘we’re like pirates’, seizing Iran’s ships, as China challenges US sanctions]. Geopolitical Economy Report. (9 May 2026) * We will never bow our heads before the enemy, and if talk of dialogue or negotiation arises, it does not mean surrender or retreat. ** Iranian President [[w:Masoud Pezeshkian|Masoud Pezeshkian]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/clypgz9e5pmo "Trump calls Iran response to US proposal to end war 'totally unacceptable"], ''BBC News'' (10 May 2026) * 1. They martyred the great and devoted leader of the Islamic Revolution; 2. No Muslim country came to Iran aid. What sort of Islam is this .. what kind of Muslimhoodness is this; 3.Iran continues to resist the big and small Satan (America and Israel); 4. On one side of today's battle are America and Israel, and on the other side are Muslim Iran and the resistance forces. Which side are you; 5. Think about the future of the Islamic world. You know that America is not loyal to you and Israel is your enemy. Think for a minute about yourself and the future of the region; 6. Unity of the Islamic Ummah with all its power can provide and guarantee the security, excellence and independence of countries for everyone **letter to 6 countries Larijani[https://fa.alalam.ir/news/7428293/%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%87-%DB%B6-%D8%A8%D9%86%D8%AF%DB%8C-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%84%D8%A7%D8%B1%DB%8C%D8%AC%D8%A7%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D8%B7%D8%A7%D8%A8-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D9%85%D8%B3%D9%84%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D9%87%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%88-%D8%AF%D9%88%D9%84%D8%AA-%D9%87%D8%A7%DB%8C-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%85%DB%8C ] *If you want Internet, pack and get up, leave your things, go to Afghanistan, live where there is Internet. **IRIB anchor man [https://fararu.com/fa/news/970808/%D8%B4%D9%87%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%A7%DA%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86%D8%AA%D8%B1%D9%86%D8%AA-5g-%D8%A7%D9%81%D8%BA%D8%A7%D9%86%D8%B3%D8%AA%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%85%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%A7%D9%87%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D9%88%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D9%87%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AC%D8%A7-%D8%B2%D9%86%D8%AF%DA%AF%DB%8C-%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF ]p *Like a rogue gang, the Iranian regime is pillaging resources that rightfully belong to the Iraqi people. Treasury will not stand idly by as Iran's military exploits Iraqi oil to fund terrorism against the United States and our partners. **[https://twitter.com/SecScottBessent/status/2052447601304178863?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw Bessent] *God's order to fight Fitne. Israel is to be wiped out. Division causes failure against enemies **Imam Karaj[https://www.imna.ir/news/971477/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%A7%D8%AE%D8%AA%D9%84%D8%A7%D9%81-%D8%A7%D9%81%DA%A9%D9%86%DB%8C-%D8%B2%D9%85%DB%8C%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%B4%DA%A9%D8%B3%D8%AA-%D8%AF%D8%B1-%D8%A8%D8%B1%D8%A7%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA ][https://www.didbaniran.ir/%D8%A8%D8%AE%D8%B4-%D8%B3%DB%8C%D8%A7%D8%B3%DB%8C-3/284228-%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%DA%A9%D8%B1%D8%AC-%D8%AF%D8%B3%D8%AA%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%AE%D8%AF%D8%A7-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%B3%D8%AA-%DA%A9%D9%87-%D8%AA%D8%A7-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86-%D9%81%D8%AA%D9%86%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%AC%D9%86%DA%AF%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%A8%D9%87-%D8%AF%D8%B4%D9%85%D9%86-%D8%A7%D8%AC%D8%A7%D8%B2%D9%87-%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B2%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%B2%DB%8C-%D8%AE%D9%88%D8%AF%D8%B4-%D8%B1%D8%A7-%D9%86%D8%AF%D9%87%DB%8C%D9%85 ] *Report of high Damage of internet blackout from government is greatly exaggerated. **[https://www.zoomit.ir/iran-news/459800-denies-exaggerated-internet-outage-claims/] MP of Tehran 18:28, 15 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Trump is hopeless and desperate he went to begging China for no result. He will not be satisfied until Iran is destroyed. **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2219513/%D8%A7%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%85-%D8%AC%D9%85%D8%B9%D9%87-%D8%A7%D8%B1%D8%AF%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%84-%D8%AA%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%BE-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A7%D9%84%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D8%B3-%D8%A8%D9%87-%DA%86%DB%8C%D9%86-%D8%B9%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%87-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D9%86%D8%AA%DB%8C%D8%AC%D9%87-%D9%86%DA%AF%D8%B1%D9%81%D8%AA Ayatollah Imam Ardebil] (15 May 2026) *China encourages the US and Iran to continue resolving their differences and disputes, including the nuclear issue, through negotiations, and advocates the swift reopening of the Strait of Hormuz on the basis of maintaining a ceasefire **Chinese FM Wang in [https://aa.com.tr/en/asia-pacific/chinese-top-diplomat-urges-diplomacy-on-iran-after-trump-xi-summit/3938851] (15 May 2026) *The most important issue today is trust. We cannot trust the Americans in any way **[https://en.mehrnews.com/news/244536/Araghchi-holds-presser-in-New-Delhi], Iraqchi (15 May 2026) *We’ve taken out much of what we’d have to do, probably another two weeks, two weeks, maybe three weeks I’m very torn on it, because they lost 42,000 people in the first two weeks. I don’t really want to see that You can’t have an unarmed population against people with AK-47s The Iranian people have to have guns and I think they’re getting some guns. * As soon as they have guns, they’ll fight like as good as anybody there is. **President Trump 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~~[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605057012 ] *They can either agree to a piece of paper that is satisfactory to the United States, or they can face a punishment from our military, the likes of which has not been seen in modern history. That’s the choice that they face **Miller [https://unb.com.bd/category/World/trump-official-warns-iran-of-unprecedented-military-action-over-deal-holdout/186431 ] 07:48, 22 May 2026 (UTC)~ *Our American issue solves when they surely get the powerfulness we have , and they can't do anything against us **Mohamed Mkokhber[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222394/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%AA%D8%AD%D9%84%DB%8C%D9%84-%D9%85%D8%AE%D8%A8%D8%B1-%D8%AF%D8%B1%D8%A8%D8%A7%D8%B1%D9%87-%D8%B2%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%AD%D9%84-%D8%B4%D8%AF%D9%86-%D9%85%D8%B3%D8%A7%D8%A6%D9%84-%D8%A7%DB%8C%D8%B1%D8%A7%D9%86-%D8%A8%D8%A7-%D8%A2%D9%85%D8%B1%DB%8C%DA%A9%D8%A7 ] (22 May 2026) * Matchmaking booths had been set up at rallies in Tehran, allowing young men and women to register for introductions under what organizers call “easy marriage. **Fars[https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605215847 ] *It's a possibility Iran we can go around ceasefire **[https://www.khabaronline.ir/news/2222363/%D8%A8%D8%A8%DB%8C%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AF-%D8%B9%D8%B6%D9%88-%DA%A9%D9%85%DB%8C%D8%B3%DB%8C%D9%88%D9%86-%D8%A7%D9%85%D9%86%DB%8C%D8%AA-%D9%85%D9%84%DB%8C-%D9%85%D8%AC%D9%84%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%AD%D8%AA%D9%85%D8%A7%D9%84-%D8%B9%D8%A8%D9%88%D8%B1-%D8%A7%D8%B2-%D8%A2%D8%AA%D8%B4-%D8%A8%D8%B3-%D8%A7%D8%B2 ] National security Islamic Cunsultative Assembly MP (22 May 2026) *Trying to prohibit Iranians in LA from bringing the Lion and Sun flag into the stadium is like trying to prevent Americans from bringing the U.S. flag into an American stadium. It would cause mass unrest. * [[2026 FIFA World Cup|World Cup]] matches best illustrate the passion Iranian-Americans feel for their homeland and the contempt they feel toward the Iranian government. Waving the Lion and Sun flag is simultaneously a show of support for the national team and a protest against the regime. **[https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/7288376/2026/05/19/world-cup-fifa-iran-flag/] ''NYTimes'' (22 May 2026) * This is not good timing for me, I have a thing called Iran and other things ** Trump quoted in [https://www.iranintl.com/en/202605214172#:~:text=US%20President%20Donald%20Trump%20said,called%20Iran%20and%20other%20things.%E2%80%9D ] (22 May 2026) * I laugh at all of the Dumocrats, RINOS, and Fools who know nothing about the potential deal I am making with Iran, things that haven’t even been negotiated yet. ** Trump quoted in [https://nypost.com/2026/05/25/us-news/president-trump-heralds-memorial-day-by-trashing-dumocrats-rinos-and-fools/ "Trump trashes ‘Dumocrats, RINOS and Fools’ who question his Iran plans in Memorial Day message"] ''NYPost'' (22 May 2026) *The ayatollah has been replaced by a ‘thugocracy’. **Kirk Lippold [https://www.japantimes.co.jp/commentary/2026/06/03/world/instability-powerful-political-instrument/ ][https://www.taipeitimes.com/News/editorials/archives/2026/05/21/2003857691 ][https://www.foxnews.com/video/6394301883112 ] *You lost hundreds of thousands of soldiers in these various wars. In two wars; Venezuela—where we lost nobody—and here We took over Venezuela. We essentially took over Iran. We have lost so far 13 people. Somebody else would have lost 100,000 people **[https://www.indy100.com/politics/trump/trump-iran-war-soldiers-killed Trump] * The humiliating defeat of Israel and the United States in their war on Iran, along with the savagery of the ongoing {{w|Gaza genocide|genocide in Gaza}}, are ushering in a new world order. This order is one where voices of reason and stability emanate not from the West — which spent tens of billions of dollars sustaining Israel’s genocide — but from the Global South, including China. It is an order where alliances are being rapidly reconfigured to protect countries from a rogue American state that lashes out like a wounded beast, as it spirals toward terminal decline. ** [[Chris Hedges]], "[https://scheerpost.com/2026/05/29/the-rise-of-the-global-south/ The Rise of the Global South]." Scheerpost (29 May 2026) ===June 2026=== *"If they do, they suffer unbelievable consequences... the ultimate consequences, Iran will not be permitted to develop, buy, or acquire one if they want to maintain a "very good relationship" with the United States. **[https://english.tupaki.com/latest-news/trump-warning-iran-nuclear-deal-g7-statement-1492147 Trump] *If General Soleimani hadn't been killed, we probably wouldn't be talking right now. He was a mad genius. They will never be able to replace this ideologue **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] *So many people forget that tough guys usually lead their country to the abyss, And, you know, all the tough guys, tough guys don't realize that this wasn't a three-month deal, this was years in the making, Do you know why? Because I killed General Soleimani. **[https://unn.ua/en/news/trump-called-the-liquidated-soleimani-a-mad-genius-and-linked-his-death-to-the-current-deal-with-iran Trump] [[https://www.bnnbloomberg.ca/video/economics/2026/06/17/i-was-the-one-who-killed-general-soleimani-trump/ Trump] ] * What the fuck are you doing? You're fucking crazy. You'd be in prison if it weren't for me. I'm saving your ass. Everybody hates you now. Everybody hates Israel because of this. * I had a very productive call with Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu of Israel, and there will be no Troops going to Beirut, and any Troops that are on their way have already been turned back. ** [https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-israel-lebanon-call Trump to Bibi Netanyahu][https://www.axios.com/2026/06/01/trump-netanyahu-lebanon-israel-bomb-beirut "'You're fucking crazy': Trump fumes at Netanyahu in call on Lebanon"] ''Axios'' (June 1, 2026) * I don’t care if they’re over, honestly. I really don’t care. I couldn’t care less. If they’re over, they’re over. If they’re not, you know, I think they took too much time. Frankly, I think they started to get a little boring. ** [[Donald Trump]] quoted on peace talks in [https://www.jezebel.com/iran-war-donald-trump-boring-bored-quote-ceasefire-negotiations-suspended-israel-lebanon "Uh Oh, Trump Is Bored with Iran Peace Talks. You Know What That Means."], ''Jezebel'' (June 2, 2026) *Well, they’ve been largely decapitated. And I call it a military exercise because people would rather have it called that. They put up a blockade and so we blockaded them *[https://fortune.com/2026/06/07/trump-iran-war-military-exercise-fighting-strait-of-hormuz-no-new-wars-promise/ Trump] *I said, ‘Bibi, you better be careful, or you will be on your own very soon, **[https://english.elpais.com/international/2026-06-09/iran-war-drives-a-wedge-between-trump-and-netanyahu.html Trump] (9 June 2026) *Iran thing it's not a big thing for us **[https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html?eafs_enabled=false Trump] (3 June 2026) *We have the highest stock market in history with a military conflict going on, or a war — some people call it war, some people call it a military — it’s not a big thing for us. **Trump [https://www.nytimes.com/2026/06/03/world/middleeast/trump-iran-war-remarks.html] ''New York Times'' (3 June 2026) *Communists always do well with the Voters or, as they would say, THE PEOPLE, in the Early Years! But, in the end, the Country, State, or City, GOES TO HELL! Great Violence proceeds at levels never seen before, and the entity dissolves into Poverty, Squalor, and Crime. Remember, breathtaking “Popularity” first, and then, guaranteed DEATH AND DESTRUCTION! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://www.ntd.com/trump-decries-communism-says-its-breathtaking-popularity-turns-to-death-destruction-squalor_1150163.html] ''NTD'' (4 June 2026) * It’s a different part of the world. You know, I’d say in that part of the world, a ceasefire is when you’re shooting in a more moderate manner. ** Trump quoted in [https://apnews.com/article/trump-iran-war-nuclear-deal-f6c5007b28e596e562c88b93ee785d91 "With Trump in a holding pattern on Iran war, allies and critics worry he risks getting boxed in"], ''AP News'' (4 June 2026) *There is a reason for everything. We hit them pretty hard the night before and actually last night. And when it was explained to me, I said, ‘all right, so we'll do that.’ But we've been hitting them pretty hard. **[https://www.cbsnews.com/live-updates/trump-iran-war-attacks-kuwait-airport-israel-hezbollah-ceasefire/ Trump] (4 June 2026) *Yesterday, in a meaningless vote, the House voted, 4 bad Republicans and all of the Dumocrats, to limit my War Powers, right in the middle of my final negotiations to end the War with the Islamic Republic of Iran. Who would do such an unpatriotic thing. They know where the negotiations stand. The Democrats are fueled by Trump Derangement Syndrome. They would rather have our Country fail than give me another, of many, victories. The four Republicans, that’s a whole other story - They’re GRANDSTANDERS! They should be ashamed of themselves. MAGA!!! President DJT **[https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/middle-east/iran-us-war-live-trump-ceasefire-kuwait-israel-lebanon-b2989234.html], ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *If people are stupid, we’ll end up in something where we have to wipe out an entire infrastructure of a nation **[https://www.aol.com/articles/trump-dealmaker-chief-reputation-comes-100000144.html Trump] (10 June 2026) *The Fake News Media refuses to report how EFFECTIVE the U.S. Naval BLOCKADE is, the most successful Blockade in the history of Naval Warfare. NOTHING GETS THROUGH unless we want it to. IT IS A STEEL WALL! Iran is doing ZERO business, not paying their military, or any of their bills, and quickly becoming a FAILED NATION! Lots of oil is getting out. Praise be to Allah! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725591109474316] (10 June 2026) *Iran’s Military is a complete and total mess. Much of it, like their Navy and Air Force, doesn’t even exist anymore - They have been completely defeated. Iran is all talk and no action. The Bully of the Middle East is DEAD!!! They’ve taken too long to negotiate a deal that would have been great for them, now they will have to pay the price!!! President DONALD J. TRUMP **[https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/posts/116725476229257491] (10 June 2026) *Last month, I directed our Great U.S. Military to execute a secret mission to support Oil Tankers and other Commercial Ships through the Straight of Hormuz. Today, I am pleased to announce that this effort has resulted in more than 100 MILLION Barrels of Oil making its way through the Straight, and into the Open Market. More than 200 Commercial Ships have safely traveled through the Strait. This wildly successful effort is because the UNITED STATES of AMERICA CONTROLS the Strait of Hormuz — NOT Iran. Their military is defeated, and their economy is lost. It’s over for Iran! Thank you for your attention to this matter. President DONALD J. TRUMP" ** [https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/americas/us-politics/trump-iran-oil-war-b2993489.html Trump to Iran: I just took your oil] ''Independent'' (10 June 2026) *The United States will be hitting Iran (Whose Navy, Air Force, Radar, Anti Aircraft, and all other forms of Defense, together with most of its offensive capability, are GONE!), VERY HARD TONIGHT. At some point in the not too distant future, we will be taking Kharg Island, and other oil infrastructure points, and assume total control of their Oil and Gas Markets, much like we have with Venezuela, which is working out brilliantly for both Venezuela and the United States of America. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP **https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116731447139970106 *The Iranian regime will lose the zero-sum game it is playing. Any damage it inflicts on our allies in the Gulf will be paid for with funds extracted from Iranian Accounts. Any tolls paid to the Persian Gulf Strait Authority will be offset by funds extracted from their accounts. Every attack Iran launches will only deepen the economic and financial consequences it faces ** [[Scott Bessent]] in [https://nitter.poast.org/Osint613/status/2065076195729793113#m Tweet] (10 June 2026) * The Deal with the Islamic Republic of Iran is now complete. {{br}} I hereby fully authorize the toll free opening of the Strait of Hormuz, and, simultaneously herewith, authorize the immediate removal of the United States Naval blockade.{{br}}'''Ships of the World, start your engines. Let the oil flow!''' ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/cj0grpyg4v1t "Iran and US agree deal to end war as Trump says Strait of Hormuz will be reopened"], ''BBC News'' (15 June 2026) * The terms that Iran leaked out to the Fake News have NOTHING to do with the terms that were agreed to, in writing. What they said, including their weak and pathetic statement on having a deal, bears no relation to the truth. Very dishonorable people to deal with. With them, there is no such thing as dealing in good faith. AMAZING! Also, their totally rebuffed Drone attack last night against Indian Ships leaving the Hormuz Strait is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE. They better get their act together, and FAST! President DONALD J. TRUMP ** [https://truthsocial.com/@realDonaldTrump/116737418354503074 Trump post] (Jun 12, 2026) * As you have been informed, a memorandum of understanding was signed between the presidents of Iran and the United States of America.{{br}}In the course of reaching this stage, the officials in charge, out of sincere concern and goodwill, made extensive efforts—and of course, it was the American president who, out of desperation, used all kinds of leverage to bring this about. ** [[Mojtaba Khamenei]] quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * We expect a complete ceasefire on all fronts, including [[Lebanon]], [[Hezbollah]], and Israel, ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/live/c8j2ewl0dpxt "US lifts naval blockade as Iran's supreme leader says Trump made deal 'out of desperation'"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 17, 2026) * You don't have to knock down a building every time someone walks into it that's from Hezbollah. ** Trump quoted in [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) * It's not our money, it's their money, and we froze it. At a certain point in time, I guess we're going to have to give it back. ** Trump quoted on the return of Iranian assets frozen during the war in: [https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o "https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/crr8z4z2er9o"], ''BBC News'' (Jun 18, 2026) == See also == * [[Iran]] * [[Israel]] * [[Middle East]] * [[Second presidency of Donald Trump]] * [[Might makes right]] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{Commons category}} * [https://www.bbc.com BBC coverage of 2026 Iran conflict] * [https://www.aljazeera.com/news Al Jazeera: Iran crisis coverage] [[Category:2026]] [[Category:2020s in Iran]] [[Category:Wars and battles]] [[Category:Arab-Israeli conflict]] s2vfkrqt0wst6up20b4vowldkcdpvk1 0 306167 3954238 3952118 2026-06-18T17:54:06Z ~2026-35662-57 3343402 3954238 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} ---- :'''Season''' [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 1|1]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 2|2]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 3|3]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 4|4]] [[The Boys (TV series)/Season 5|5]] [[The Boys (TV series)|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:The Boys (TV series)|The Boys]]''''' is an American superhero television series developed by Eric Kripke for [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Amazon Prime Video]]. Based on the comic book of the same name by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, it follows the eponymous team of vigilantes as they combat superpowered individuals who abuse their abilities. ==''"Fifteen Inches of Sheer Dynamite"'' [5.01]== :''[Homelander meets with Sister Sage after the Flight 37 video gets leaked to the public by Annie]'' :'''Sister Sage''': We knew this would happen sooner or later. We've been ready. In the last 24 hours, we have flooded the zone with so much disinformation, people can't tell their clit from their collarbone. The share price is only down half a point. Besides that, damage is minimal. :'''Homelander''': ''[points at open book]'' What's this? :'''Sister Sage''': That is a Gutenberg Bible. Martin Shkreli sold it to me at discount. :'''Homelander''': You're really on top of the world, huh? Peter Thiel, the Obamas calling you for advice. Everyone loves you.  :'''Sister Sage''': You can't really think I care. :'''Homelander''': Maybe you didn't used to. :'''Sister Sage''': It's all for you. The higher the share price, the happier the billionaires. The more you get to do whatever the fuck you wanna do. :'''Homelander''': Are you aware that NNC is calling me a murderer? Saying that maybe I even did something to my son? :'''Sister Sage''': No. Everyone knows that Ryan is... ''[sighs]'' Sorry. That he is at boarding school. In Svalbard. ''[chuckling]'' That story's holding. We're good. :'''Homelander''': And how–how about you, Sage? Are you… good? :'''Sister Sage''': I'm fine. :'''Homelander''': You're not distracted at all? After Thomas Godolkin dumped you? You're not numbing the heartache by stabbing your brain? :'''Sister Sage''': No. :'''Homelander''': Then, just tell me. How did Starlight get in the building? ''[beat; exhales]'' I WAS '''HUMILIATED!''' As if people don't hate me enough! :'''Sister Sage''': Your numbers are north of 96. :'''Homelander''': Anyone can smile for the pollsters, sure, but millions of them are still Starlighters in their hearts! Where it counts! Have you seen the memes? Have you seen the ''memes'' about me?! ''[brief pause]'' Posting them should be a crime. :'''Sister Sage''': Yes, but we can't go... ''[notices Homelander glaring at her]'' Oh, you're serious. Uh, sir... ''[chuckles]'' Ongoing conflict is useful to us. It keeps people afraid… :'''Homelander''': Shut up. :'''Sister Sage''': …which is exactly what we– :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no, no! NO! You promised me Caesar. :'''Sister Sage''': He was stabbed by his best friends. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, well, I can relate to that! But I need people to be ''devoted! To '''me!''''' :'''Sister Sage''': May I speak freely? :'''Homelander''': Give it a shot. :'''Sister Sage''': I told you, no matter how much power you amass, it will not make you happy. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You know what's gonna make me happy? I think I'll be happy when Starlight and William Butcher are corpses. I want it leaked that in three days, we are going to execute Hugh Campbell, Milk, and the... French one. That'll draw out Starlight and Butcher, and then I will take care of this once and for all. :'''Sister Sage''': Consider it done, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': Oh, wow. Your skin is so oily, like hugging a McRib. :'''Annie''': Wait, did you—Did you just... How?! :'''Kimiko''': Speech therapy and fucking therapy therapy and so much fucking TikTok. :'''Annie''': Well, you sure sound like you're on TikTok. :'''Butcher''': Sixteen-hour flight and not a fucking peep. :'''Kimiko''': 'Cause all you can say is "Oi, oi, oi. Cunt, cunt, cunt". :'''Butcher''': I liked her better with her mouth shut. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Annie''': Took you long enough. Slowing down in your old age? :'''A-Train''': ''[laughs and hugs Annie]'' Fuck you, [[w:Killing of JonBenét Ramsey|JonBenét]]. :'''Kimiko''': You guys are friends? :'''A-Train''': You talk? :'''Kimiko''': Mm-hmm. :'''Annie''': Reggie's been helping us out for a while. :'''A-Train''': ''[takes drink from Annie]'' Thanks. Where is everybody? ''[pause]'' I heard about the Pittsburgh raid last month. Go Marie Moreau. How's her team doing? :'''Annie''': Yeah, they're scoring a few wins, but not nearly enough. :'''A-Train''': So, what's with the 911? :'''Annie''': Hughie, M.M. and Frenchie are gonna be executed tomorrow, so we need your help to break them out. :'''A-Train''': Of a Vought prison camp? You're fucking crazy. :'''Annie''': Listen, you don't have to fight, okay? We just need you to run them to the extraction point. It's easy. :'''A-Train''': Easy. Right. You know Homelander's gonna be waiting. I can't. :'''Annie''': We know how to kill him, okay? But we need Frenchie to do it. :'''A-Train''': Great. Well, good luck with that. :'''Annie''': Hey, are you gonna keep running forever? I mean, if we're gonna really take him out, we need your help. :'''A-Train''': So what, I'm just supposed to join this little fucking supergroup? :'''Annie''': I mean, we are down one asshоlе, so… Yeah, maybe. :'''A-Train''': ''[pause]'' No. :'''Annie''': Why not? :'''A-Train''': I said I can't. :'''Annie''': I know you're scared… :'''A-Train''': No, I'm not fucking scared! I got a family to protect. ''[Annie sighs]'' I can't. :'''Annie''': I get it, I do. Me, too. ''[pause]'' Keep them safe. :''[Annie and Kimiko watch A-Train run off]'' :'''Kimiko''': We shouldn't have let him go. :'''Annie''': No. Homelander fuckеd him up. Fuckеd me up, too. We're gonna need an Exit Plan B. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie, Frenchie and M.M. go over their escape plan]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so we hit the east gate. :'''Frenchie''': ''Oui'', Petit Hughie, when the guards change shift. :'''Hughie''': And we go at dawn. :'''Mother's Milk''': We've been through this. :'''Hughie''': I know. I just wanna go over it a few more times just so I can get it in my head. :'''Mother's Milk''': Hughie… ''[holds out moonshine jar]'' Take a fuckin' drink, will you? :'''Hughie''': No, thanks. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shrugs; to Frenchie]'' ''Mon ami?'' :'''Frenchie''': You know I quit. :'''Mother's Milk''': Leave it up to you to have your shit the tightest you've ever had it in a fuckin' internment camp. :'''Frenchie''': Yeah, what about you? Have you been eating the fresh produce I smuggle in? :'''Mother's Milk''': Moonshine's got corn in it. ''[takes a sip of moonshine]'' :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Hughie]'' Hey… Don't worry. Annie will be fine. She's strong. :'''Hughie''': ''[takes liquor bottle from Frenchie]'' Kimiko, too.  :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Y'all mοthеrfuckеrs are trippin'. Y'all don't know what the fuck's going on with them. ''[to Frenchie]'' Hey, you don't even know where Kimiko's at. :'''Hughie''': What, so you don't think you're gonna see Janine and Monique again? Is that it? :'''Mother's Milk''': What I know is that they're a shit ton safer without me making a mess out of their lives. :'''Hughie''': M.M., you're the strongest guy I know. We've been in tougher spots than this. :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, I did two tours in the 3/8 in Farah Province. The shit I saw would ''fuck you up''. And even that was [[w:Emily in Paris|''Emily in Paris'']] compared to the shit that we looking at here. And even if we make it outta here, we ain't surviving this fuckin' war. We are dead men walking. Chin-chin, mοthеrfuckеrs. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Hughie is shocked to see all of his prison bunkmates brutally murdered in their bunker. He sees Homelander sitting on his bed reading from his journal.]'' :'''Homelander''': "Well, Annie, today marks two months. It's a little insane how much I miss you. I've been having trouble eating. Every day, I see people giving up, but not me. Because I have you." It's very, very sweet. :'''Hughie''': They were innocent. :'''Homelander''': Oh… ''[looks briefly at one of the corpses]'' Well, I'd hardly call them innocent. They lied to me. Played dumb about your little stash in the wall there. We've known about that for quite some time, but I just wanted to give you a little hope. :'''Hughie''': You're not the one who gave it to me, asshоlе. :'''Homelander''': Ooh, I like Internment Camp Hughie. She's zesty. :'''Hughie''': Fuck you. Do it. :'''Homelander''': What? :'''Hughie''': Kill me. :'''Homelander''': Not until we flush out Butcher and Starlight. :'''Hughie''': You think they're dumb enough to just walk right into your trap? :'''Homelander''': Let's not insult each other. We both know they're coming. ''[throws the journal at Hughie's feet]'' Do you remember when we first met? :'''Hughie''': How could I forget? :'''Homelander''': Believe Festival. I tried to cleanse your soul. I remember thinking... ''[sighs]'' "Why him?" What does Starlight see in this gangly simp that reeks of fear and Strawberry Smoothie kids' shampoo? You know, William and Victoria Neuman love you, too. I mean, I get it from your perspective. You're punching up. Good for you. But why are they so hopelessly devoted to such staggering mediocrity? Why would Starlight and Butcher piss away their lives to try and rescue you? :'''Hughie''': Because I'd do it for them. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher and Kimiko find Hughie, Frenchie and M.M. tied up and gagged by Homelander when they break into the Vought internment camp]'' :'''Hughie''': Butcher?! Oh, fuck. :'''Homelander''': ''[waves]'' Surprise. Welcome, William. ''[to Kimiko]'' And you. The gang is almost all here. Oh, and uh, ''[looks down at M.M.]'' you never told me that this one's nickname is... Mother's Milk. ''[licks his lips; laughs]'' Okay. So, what's the big plan? What, are you gonna sandbag me with the Godolkin virus? ''[Butcher looks shocked]'' Yes. I know all about it. :'''Kimiko''': Suck my fat dіck! :''[Homelander lasers Kimiko in half. The top half of her body falls to the floor.]'' :'''Homelander''': Hey, where's Starlight? Just doesn't feel like a party without my little lightning bug here... ''[pause; stares at Butcher]'' Jesus Christ, William. You've got a viper's nest in there. I'd heard about it, of course. But seeing it for myself, it's uh… it–it's incredible. I mean, it's fucking disgusting of course, but it's–it's beautiful. What you've done to yourself, what you've become… and you did all that for me? ''[pause]'' Now that… ''that'' is devotion. You know, William, I know we're not exactly equals, but I'm compelled to say… you are the only one that's ever challenged me. And there's a part of me that will be sad to see you go. <hr width="50%"/> :''[A-Train gets badly injured while being chased by Homelander, who eventually catches up to him]'' :'''Homelander''': Looks like someone ''can'' catch the A-Train after all. End of the road, buddy boy. :''[A-Train starts laughing at Homelander as he gets back up]'' :'''Homelander''': What's so funny? :'''A-Train''': What was I so afraid of? You are… fucking nothing. :'''Homelander''': Really? :''[Homelander lifts A-Train and pins him against a tree]'' :'''A-Train''': ''[grunts]'' Really. You're just an empty fucking suit. Take away these powers… and what are you, huh? A pathetic… weak… sniveling fucking loser. :''[Homelander wraps his hand around A-Train's neck and slowly chokes him. A-Train continues laughing until Homelander snaps his neck.]'' ==''"Teenage Kix"'' [5.02]== :'''Oh Father''': We fight hellfire with holy fire! We fight with the ballot box! We fight with the ammo box! Matthew 10:34: "I do not come to bring the peace, but a sword"! You are not here to be blessed, you are here to do war! <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Goddammit, A-Train. It didn't need to come to this. I don't know, you left me no choice! I know that my leadership style can be stern, but it was for your own good! I like to think of myself as the big brother that you never had. You remember that girlfriend you had? Uh... Pop... Popfang. Betrayed us both, to William Butcher no less. Huge mess, your fault. What did I do? ''What did I do?'' I gave you a chance to make things right, I reached out my hand... and you bit it! What did I ever do to deserve that? What, was I too nurturing? Too forgiving? Well, maybe. But dammit, you weren't like the others: Snakes, backstabbers. I could count on you, man. I ''did'' count on you. I loved you... but here we are. Why does this keep happening to me? I guess the strongest men are the most alone. You wouldn't understand. Nobody does. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander releases Soldier Boy from his cryogenic chamber at Vought Tower. Soldier Boy wakes up the next morning in Homelander's bedroom.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no, no. It's okay. It's okay, I don't wanna hurt you. You're safe, okay? You've been in deep freeze again. :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, Jesus Christ. For how long? :'''Homelander''': Almost two years in a CIA black site. I just found out this morning. :'''Soldier Boy''': You found out this morning? :'''Homelander''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But that just happens to be in your room? ''[pause]'' Did you fuck me? :'''Homelander''': ''[legitimately confused]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this some kind of incest thing? :'''Homelander''': No! :'''Soldier Boy''': Then, what the fuck is this? :'''Homelander''': ''[stammers]'' Look, I... I want you to find William Butcher. :'''Soldier Boy''': Find him yourself. :'''Homelander''': Well, the people that work for me are limited. And you are the best tracker there is. I just–I need you to find him and report back. Very simple. :'''Soldier Boy''': You want me… to work for you? :'''Homelander''': Well, why don't we say "work ''with'' me"? And... I can help you. I can give you a proper comeback. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need you for that. :'''Homelander''': Well, the whole world does think that you're a Russian spy, so… :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[takes a deep breath]'' Okay. Alright, listen to me. I'm no ass-felching Commie. You got that?! :'''Homelander''': I know, I know. And listen, I am Vought now. Me. So, the public, they're gonna believe that you are whatever I tell them you are. I can resurrect you. I can give you back what you lost. I can even make you number two in The Seven. :'''Soldier Boy''': Number two? ''[Homelander nods]'' Or how about I finish the job, and blast you to Kingdom Fuck. :'''Homelander''': Yeah, you could try. Who knows, you might even fry the V right out of my blood. Or you might not. But I'm betting that you hate William Butcher more than you hate... me. After all, I'm–I'm not the one that betrayed you, am I? :'''Soldier Boy''': I tried to kill you. The minute I turn my back, how do I know you won't return the favor? :'''Homelander''': Look...  :''[Homelander picks up Soldier Boy's shield and gives it to him]'' :'''Homelander''': You find William Butcher for me… all is forgiven. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat; looks at the shield]'' Looks like a fuckin' kindergarten ashtray.  <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': Soldier Boy, ''[points at Calhoun and Ashley]'' this is the President, Vice President of the United States of America. They work for me. Everyone, Soldier Boy is gonna be number two in The Seven once he has located William Butcher and Annie January. :'''The Deep''': What? Wait–Wait, what, sir? No, sir. I... I can do this. I can bring them in. :'''Homelander''': Oh, like you did with A-Train? We're going in a new direction, Deep. Competence. ''[to Calhoun]'' Oh, and Steve, Soldier Boy's gonna need a full pardon. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, he–he was guilty of... you know, treason. ''[pause; Homelander just glares at him]'' Consider it done, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific. And you know what? I'm sure the man's dying for a drink. Uh, Steve, can you make him a… :'''Soldier Boy''': Manhattan. :'''Homelander''': Manhattan. Thanks, Steve. :'''Calhoun''': Of course. Can I get you a glass of milk, sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[sternly]'' No. Steven… I'll also have a Manhattan. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goddamn. Since when could Supes teabag the President? :'''Homelander''': Since me. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Hughie looking despondent on their way back to the Teenage Kix mansion]'' :'''Butcher''': Oi, fuckin' smile, Hughie. I mean, ain't you a little glad A-Train's dead? :'''Hughie''': …No, I'm not glad he's dead. A-Train did a lot of horrible things, but he saved our lives, and he died a hero. A real hero. There are a lot of other Supes that don't deserve to die either. :'''Butcher''': Listen, I know you just done a year in the gulag. You've earned your seat at the table, so... I'll give it to ya straight. You gotta knock this wet, gapin' pussy shite on the head, mate. Ain't doin' no one no favours. Especially your girl. I mean, that's why she's givin' you the cold shoulder. :'''Hughie''': Don't talk to me about Annie. You don't know what's going on with her. :'''Butcher''': Well, I know that she finally knows the fuckin' score. And she knows that you poncin' about with this Jiminy Cricket, "listen to your heart" bollocks is just gonna get her killed. :'''Hughie''': Is there any part of you left that's still human? ''[pause]'' You're gonna get Annie killed, not me… but I won't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Noted. :''[A shield suddenly pierces the windshield of the Boys' truck. Hughie catches the virus vial right as they crash into another vehicle.]'' :'''Hughie''': Fuck! :'''Kimiko''': Hughie, the vial! :'''Hughie''': It's good. ''[stares at the shield]'' Wait, is that...? :''[They see Soldier Boy walking up the street towards them]'' :'''Butcher''': Well, well, well. :'''Kimiko''': He's dead, right? He's supposed to be dead? :'''Butcher''': Supposed to be. Mallory put him in ice for a bit. :'''Hughie''': ''[slowly turns to face Butcher]'' You're telling us this ''now?'' :'''Butcher''': Somebody up there likes us, mate. :'''Hughie''': In what fucking way?! :'''Butcher''': Well, we wanted a guinea pig. Who better than Homelander's old man? New plan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Butcher''': Oi. Ain't you supposed to be a giant ice dіldо? :'''Soldier Boy''': Aren't you supposed to be smart? Renting a truck under the name "Don T. Beakunt." Same alias when we headed to Herogasm. :'''Butcher''': Well, oldie, but a goodie. :''[Soldier Boy sees Hughie and Kimiko get out of the truck and run away]''  :'''Butcher''': No, mate. Just you and me. :''[Soldier Boy shoots Butcher three times, but to no avail. Butcher, still standing, looks down at his chest then looks back up at Soldier Boy.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess it's true. You're one of us now. :'''Butcher''': Well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Then fuckin' beat 'em. :'''Soldier Boy''': Being super is not gonna save you. :'''Butcher''': That don't stop us helpin' each other. Homelander's double the cunt now, if that's even possible. He needs doin' more than ever. You still fancy his seat on The Seven, don't ya? :'''Soldier Boy''': Fuck you! We had a deal! I held up my end of the bargain, and you sold me out. Put me back in a fucking box! And for what? 'Cause I was gonna kill some dumb kid? :'''Butcher''': That kid is your grandson. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, was it worth it? You feeling good about that call right about now? Where is that fucking brat? :'''Butcher''': Homelander's the one fuckin' you over, mate. Or did he mention that we've got an uber virus strong enough to kill every fuckin' Supe on the planet? :'''Soldier Boy''': Bullshit. :'''Butcher''': God's honest. The things this virus can do... ''Fuckin' diabolical.'' Why d'you think he sent you here instead of coming himself, hmm? You're the sacrificial cunt. Again. :'''Soldier Boy''': I guess we'll see. :'''Butcher''': You don't get it, do ya? Me, Homelander, your old crew–Everyone fucks you over. Do you wanna know why? 'Cause you... are a dumb fuckin' twat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Hughie Campbell. How is a useless cock-gobbler like you still alive? :'''Hughie''': All your jokes are about dudes blowing dudes. You're kind of obsessed! :'''Soldier Boy''': Is this the virus he was going on about? The so-called "Supe Killer"? Well, not today, you semen-swilling butt pirate. :'''Hughie''': What? ==''"Every One of You Sons of Bitches"'' [5.03]== :''[Homelander has a psychotic breakdown and hallucinates Madelyn Stillwell appearing to him as an angel]'' :'''Homelander''': Madelyn...! :'''Madelyn''': Oh, my boy! My sweet boy... What is wrong? Why are you unhappy? :'''Homelander''': My father and my son! Everything, it's all falling apart! :'''Madelyn''': No! No, it's exactly what needed to happen. Yes, it's been foretold! You're about to ascend. Become immortal. Divine. A true god with the love of the world. :'''Homelander''': But– :'''Madelyn''': I know, you think love is weak and human. But who is more loved than Jesus? And why should he have more love than you? You save more people than he does. The one, true god... :'''Homelander''': Yes... But how? How? Millions of people just hate me... :'''Madelyn''': Well, then you baptize the unfaithful in their own blood. Rip babies from their mothers' wombs. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': Skin parents in front of their children. Rid the world of the wicked. :'''Homelander''': Yes... :'''Madelyn''': The nonbelievers... :'''Homelander''': They'll call me a monster... :'''Madelyn''': Oh, the only ones left will be your faithful. And they will love you in their hearts. They'll cry happy tears at the mere thought of you. You have one last task, my love. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Homelander? :'''Homelander''': Up here. :'''Soldier Boy''': What do you– ''[sees Homelander taking a bath]'' What in the fuck? Is that milk? :'''Homelander''': Better. Breastmilk from the NICU at Mount Sinai. :'''Soldier Boy''': So, what? You asked me up here so I could watch you swim in tit jizz? :'''Homelander''': I wanna give you another chance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You wanna give ''me'' another chance? :'''Homelander''': Yes. Help me find that V1. :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd rather fist myself with a handful of razors. Besides, Cleopatra Jones said there's no V1 to find. :'''Homelander''': Oh, there most certainly is. And I am going to find it. :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah? What makes you so sure? :'''Homelander''': ''[smiling]'' An angel told me. It's my destiny. :'''Soldier Boy''': Just when I thought there was a ceiling to how fuckin' weird you could get. :'''Homelander''': Yes, yes. Make your jokes. You've been blessed with immortality, and what have you done with it? Drink and fuck yourself numb. You... ''You'' are a disappointment. You see... ''[stands up and gets out of the tub]'' I am not gonna waste my immortality. I am gonna take what's rightfully mine. I'm asking you if you want a seat at the table because you're my father. But with or without you... a reckoning is coming. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat]'' You know, all I see is a freak. A freak with a bushel of gray pubes. Try some Just for Men. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher takes Ryan to a pub to discuss his plan to kill Homelander with the Supe virus]'' :'''Butcher''': All you do is get him on the blower and tell him you wanna see him. When he rocks up, you chuck the shit in his face... and that'll be it. :'''Ryan''': Why me? :'''Butcher''': 'Cause he won't leave the fortress of cuntitude for anyone else. :'''Ryan''': So this is what you wanted to talk to me about. Killing my dad. :'''Butcher''': Listen, mate– :'''Ryan''': Is that all you think I'm good for? :'''Butcher''': I ain't gonna treat you like a kid no more, alright? You're done with that. Homelander raped your mum. He's gonna burn everything down, and you are the only one who can stop him. Now... Normally, I don't put no stock in any of that bollocks about destiny, but if anyone's got one, it's you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause; sighs]'' I throw this virus at him... what'll happen to me? :'''Butcher''': You'll die. I'll be close by and we'll go together. Now... I ain't gonna lie to you. This… this is not what your mum wanted… But it's the only way. And it will be justice. :'''Ryan''': You're asking me to kill myself? :'''Butcher''': You wouldn't be the first lad to throw his life away in a war... but you would be the first to save the world doin' it. ''[beat; sighs heavily]'' I'll fetch us a pint. :''[Later, Butcher returns with a pint of beer]'' :'''Butcher''': Here. Told her you were 30. ''[Ryan chuckles]'' Fuck the leather, fuck the lace, here's to the bird who sits on yer face. ''[takes a long sip of beer]'' :'''Ryan''': Where'd you pick that up? :'''Butcher''': Me old man. :'''Ryan''': You two close? :'''Butcher''': Nah, not really. He was a... a piss artist. Used to lose all his money on the gee-gees–horses–and then, he'd come home, beat the livin' daylights outta Len and me. And then later, laugh about it with his mates. Yeah, he was a right cunt. :'''Ryan''': Where is he now? :'''Butcher''': Bottom of the Thames. I put him there, just the other day. Only wish I'd done it sooner, before he caused more... more damage. :'''Ryan''': Butcher... Do you think that I could ever... That I might turn into my dad? :'''Butcher''': …I don't know. :'''Ryan''': ''[sighs]'' My mom... Aunt Grace... the others... All I do is hurt people. I can't be around anyone. :'''Butcher''': Without us–without Supes–the world is a better, safer place. :'''Ryan''': ''[beat]'' I'll do it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, my father spent his whole life fighting Vought. And here I am, smoking a fuckin' cigar with Stan Edgar. :'''Edgar''': I remember your father, you know. He was impressive. Over thirty Ivy League attorneys at Vought, and one small-time Harlem lawyer made them work weekends and holidays. :'''Mother's Milk''': Damn fuckin' straight he did. :'''Edgar''': But he couldn't win. It's why, ultimately, you won't win either. You're fighting an unbeatable foe. You know that, right? :'''Mother's Milk''': Who? Vought? :'''Edgar''': Please. It's more powerful than Vought. Or Homelander. More powerful than nature or life itself. It's profit and loss; supply and demand; the elegant flow of currency across the globe. We're just cogs in a great machine... and we all have our part to play. Say you kill Soldier Boy, or Homelander, or even release this virus. When superheroes go out of fashion, something else will just take their place. Because corporations must still grow. Money must still be made. The machine must still be fed. That is the way of the world. :'''Mother's Milk''': Motherfucker. When this is all over... you're aiming to run Vought again, ain't you? :'''Edgar''': Like I said. We all have our part to play. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[pause]'' If that day ever comes... I have a part to play, too. And that's to put a bullet in your fuckin' skull. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Soldier Boy and Firecracker are on her TruthBomb talk show set preparing for their interview together]'' :'''Firecracker''': It's an honor to have a great American like yourself on the show. I guess it runs in the family, huh? Homelander's father… Dang. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks at the gun at Firecracker's hip]'' Glock, huh? Never saw the appeal in foreign-made guns. :'''Firecracker''': Well, this ain't your granddaddy's Glock. This here's a 9mm Gen 5, seven-round capacity with a crisp fuckin' break. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, mine's a much longer barrel. ''[takes out his pistol]'' Battle-proven, all-American Colt 1911 chambered in .45 ACP. ''[cocks pistol]'' That'll blow your fuckin' panties off. Now, that little Glock–That's good for a late-night Harlem stroll, but uh, this here? That's a certified Kraut killer. :'''Firecracker''': I think you mean an antique. :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean a classic. You wanna give it a try? ''[Firecracker examines the pistol]'' Now, some can't handle the kick, but something tells me you'll do just fine. :''[Cut to Soldier Boy and Firecracker in bed together after having sex]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Whew. Well, I gotta hand it to you. I haven't fuckеd that hard since... since I railed Shari Lewis on the balcony of [[w:Studio 54|Studio 54]]. :'''Firecracker''': I ain't got no idea who that is. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well... Hey, why the hairless pussy? :'''Firecracker''': ''[gives Soldier Boy a disgusted look]'' What? :'''Soldier Boy''': I mean, what's the point of going down there if you're not gonna get a fat face full of fur? Is that how Homelander likes you? Like a baby? :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' More like a mother. :'''Soldier Boy''': But you two have fuckеd, right? :'''Firecracker''': ''[shakes her head]'' Mm-mm. :'''Soldier Boy''': Damn. I gotta admit, I was kinda just doing this as petty revenge against the freak. :'''Firecracker''': That's terrible. Who would do such a thing? And you shouldn't say that about your son. :'''Soldier Boy''': Ah, he thinks he's better than me. :'''Firecracker''': He doesn't. :'''Soldier Boy''': How do you know? :'''Firecracker''': I don't know much, but I can read people. And the way he looks at you? Shoot. I ain't never seen him look at nobody like that. :'''Soldier Boy''': Uh, that's not exactly a compliment, doll. He is the strangest mοthеrfuckеr I've ever known, and I've had a threesome with [[w:Gary Busey|Gary Busey]]. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Ryan and Homelander meet up at the now-abandoned VoughtLand building]'' :'''Ryan''': Do you remember when you took me here? Pretended to care about me? :'''Homelander''': I ''do'' care about you, son. I love you. :'''Ryan''': ''[pause]'' I need to ask you– :'''Homelander''': For my forgiveness? You already have it. :'''Ryan''': What? :'''Homelander''': Okay, let me finish. I put too much pressure on you to fill my boots. And–And I realize now that, uh... Well, that–that was impossible. But I do have some pretty exciting news. I am going to live forever now. I'll realize my own legacy. And you... ''[scoffs]'' you're off the hook. You can do whatever– :'''Ryan''': Did you do it? Did you rapе my mom? :'''Homelander''': What?! Of course not. Who told you–Did William Butcher tell you that? Your mother and I, we had an affair. A consensual affair between two adults. :'''Ryan''': Your heart's racing. :'''Homelander''': Well, yeah, because I'm shocked. And–And frankly, my heart's breaking a little bit that you could think I would do something like that– :''[Ryan lasers Homelander, leaving a visible wound near his chest]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan... Ryan, stop! :''[Ryan lunges at Homelander and shoves him against the wall. Homelander ducks below Ryan's fist to avoid getting punched by him.]'' :'''Homelander''': Ryan! I don't know where this is coming from, because your mother… ''She'' came on to ''me.'' :''[Ryan punches Homelander twice and tries to laser him again. Homelander quickly dodges him.]'' :'''Homelander''': ''Ryan!'' Son... ''[moves away to avoid another punch]'' Ryan! Ryan, buddy... Look what came out of it: My son! A blessing! ''[Ryan attacks him again]'' Hey, hey! Stop! :''[Ryan readies another laser, which gets redirected when Homelander grabs his face. He punches Homelander in the face again, but Homelander gets the upper hand and slams Ryan several times into a box. Homelander wipes blood away from his nose as Ryan whimpers in pain.]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, Ryan... Dammit. Look at what you made me do. ''[pause; kneels down to restrain Ryan]'' Shh... Shh, shh, shh. Hey... It's okay. My sweet, sweet boy. :''[Homelander proceeds to punch Ryan repeatedly in the face until he is beaten nearly to death]'' ==''"King of Hell"'' [5.04]== :'''Homelander''': I need you for something. :'''Firecracker''': You do? :'''Homelander''': I have received the most wonderful message. I was visited... by an angel. And she foretold my destiny. :'''Firecracker''': Wow. Well, praise be. And what is it? :'''Homelander''': God. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, that is wonderful. There is no higher calling than servin' the Lord. :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. Not serving the Lord. Being the Lord. I am the Messiah. I'm the savior of the world. :'''Firecracker''': The... Messiah? :'''Homelander''': Yes. :''[Firecracker smiles despite her being clearly disturbed by Homelander's delusions]'' :'''Firecracker''': Um... Congrats. :'''Homelander''': Thank you. ''[pause; Firecracker giggles nervously]'' I always knew I was special. I knew it. I suffered. I suffered so many hardships, and I... I couldn't understand why, but you... You... You always saw it, didn't you? You knew all along I was special. That is why I have chosen you to spread the word of my coming. :'''Firecracker''': How? :'''Homelander''': Well, we control the most powerful media apparatus on Earth. Jesus would kill for our marketing. What do you say? :'''Firecracker''': ...Well, you know I would do anything for you, sir. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys are hiking through the woods near Fort Harmony]'' :'''Kimiko''': It's weird. No birds or animals. It's like… :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. ''[to Mother's Milk]'' Had to park on the other side of the state, didn't ya? :'''Mother's Milk''': Well, if the hike's too hard, why don't you try tying your boots, mοthеrfuckеr. :''[Hughie is shocked to see a heavily decomposed corpse]'' :'''Hughie''': Oh, fuck that. :'''Butcher''': Eh. Not really my type, son. :'''Hughie''': Hey, how about showing a little respect? :'''Mother's Milk''': You know, Hughie's right, Butcher. You should take her out to dinner first. ''[chuckles; sighs]'' Let's see here. Based on the decomp, these bodies have been here for a while. :'''Frenchie''': Something ripped them apart. Whatever killed those Boy Scouts might still stalk these woods. :'''Butcher''': Let's get a move on, then. Didn't come out here to get bummed by Bigfoot. :''[...]'' :'''Butcher''': Any sign of Super Cunt? :'''Mother's Milk''': Could already be inside. :'''Butcher''': Well, let's find out. :'''Kimiko''': ''[to Hughie]'' What's wrong? :'''Hughie''': Annie. :'''Kimiko''': She'll come back. :'''Hughie''': No. I almost died, but she made it all about her and she took off. I mean, last year, I got bad-touched by a shape-shifter, and she still found a way to make it about her. She can be such a fucking bitch. ''[pause; sees Kimiko looking at him in shock]'' Uh... Jesus. Sorry, I–I didn't mean for that to come out so harsh. :''[The Boys see an entire field littered with animal carcasses]'' :'''Butcher''': ''Fuckin' hell.'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck happened here? :'''Frenchie''': Our V'd-up beast enjoyed an amuse-bouche, perhaps? :'''Butcher''': Well, explains why we didn't hear no animals. :'''Kimiko''': I said that ten minutes ago. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Boys discover more decomposed corpses as they make their way downstairs to the lab inside Fort Harmony]'' :'''Butcher''': Fuckin' hell. They've been here a minute, haven't they? :'''Frenchie''': Decades. Hunters... ''[pause; notices the knives embedded in the corpses]'' Look at their knives. These men, they killed each other. What if there is a monster here, but it's us? :'''Butcher''': What the fuck are you on about, Frenchie? :'''Frenchie''': [[w:Toxoplasma gondii|Toxoplasmosis]]. It's a parasite in cat shit. It can infect humans. Makes them react with explosive anger. :'''Hughie''': You think we ate cat shit? :'''Frenchie''': Ate? No... If the V1 spilled into the groundwater, it could mutate the plants. Their spores fill us with rage, we murder each other, and ''voilà''. We're plant food for these vines. :'''Hughie''': Okay, so like [[w:The Last of Us (video game)|''The Last of Us'']]? :'''Frenchie''': No, that is just [[w:The Walking Dead (comic book)|''The Walking Dead'']] with mushrooms. The dead campers, the animals, these hunters... Surely, you all see how strangely you've been acting. :'''Kimiko''': Us? I've seen you blow cоcaіnе up your dіckhole. :'''Frenchie''': Wait... You have a point. The copious amount of drug I've taken for decades has surely altered my brain chemistry. That's why I'm not affected. :'''Kimiko''': Guess being a junkie was good for something after all. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[laughs]'' Romeo and fuckin' Juliet. You two survive this war, I give you six months tops. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy search the ground floor of Fort Harmony while the Boys are in the basement below looking for the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sniffs]'' Smells like deer piss. The last time I was here, I was fresh off the front lines, still picking Nazi brains out of my hair. And only the best of the best got selected for Dr. Vought's trials. :'''Homelander''': Hmmph. :'''Soldier Boy''': Not soft little hog-chompers. :'''Homelander''': Of course. No, I forgot how tough you were. :'''Soldier Boy''': Hey, I'm not the weirdo who doesn't fuck. I mean, your cock's as useless as your cape. What's the point of being famous if you're not getting your dіck wet? :'''Homelander''': Oh, my dіck was sopping wet when I pulled it out of Stormfront and wiped it on her fucking chin! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; looks down at the decomposed corpses]'' Ooh, look. More uggos.  :'''Homelander''': Friends of yours? :''[They unknowingly set off the motion detector that the Boys set up near the stairs]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': Oh, shit. They're right above us. :'''Butcher''': We best get the fuck outta here. Come on. :'''Hughie''': Hey. Hey, what about the V1? :'''Mother's Milk''': If Bombsight has the V1, then it saves us from having to torch it. :'''Hughie''': What are you talking about? Who's "us"? :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' What? You think the world needs more immortal cunts, do ya? :'''Hughie''': We need it to save Annie and Kimiko! You've been planning this this whole time, haven't you?! :'''Frenchie''': Shh. Homelander will hear us. :'''Hughie''': ''[to Mother's Milk]'' And you, you've just been going along with it again. :'''Mother's Milk''': We can't take the risk, Hughie. And if she has to be collateral damage so that Homelander dies and my daughter lives, we ain't got no fucking choice! :'''Kimiko''': Oh, easy for you to say. It won't fucking kill you! :'''Butcher''': Well, at least he knows when to keep his gob shut and do as he's fuckin' told! :'''Frenchie''': Shh! :'''Mother's Milk''': Excuse me? :'''Frenchie''': No, no, no. We don't have time for this. We need to find a way out now. :'''Mother's Milk''': Wanna know a little secret, Butcher? I ''cheered'' when I found out that you were dying, 'cause at least we'd finally be done with your miserable ass. :'''Hughie''': You know, I used to say to these guys, "Don't give up on Butcher. There's good in him fighting to get out." I was wrong. If there was ''anything'' human in there, it's dead. Underneath that chestful of octo-cocks, you are just a fucking monster. :'''Butcher''': Well, maybe I like it better that way. :'''Hughie''': That parasite's not just in you. It ''is'' you. ''You're'' the cancer! :'''Frenchie''': ''Lower your voices.'' :'''Hughie''': You are just as bad as Homelander, maybe worse. And I'm not gonna let you drag us all down with you. :'''Butcher''': And whatcha gonna do about it? :'''Hughie''': I'll fucking kill you. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Homelander''': ''[chuckles]'' Tough guy, my ass. :'''Soldier Boy''': What? :'''Homelander''': You, your whole bit. This whole "guts and glory" thing. What a fucking joke. I read your classified file. Your brother won a Silver Star for bravery at [[w:Battle of Anzio|Anzio]], and that's what made you beg your father to buy you a spot in Dr. Vought's trials. Because it killed you to see your brother dripping in all that glory, making you look all the more feeble in comparison. :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't know shit about me. :'''Homelander''': Really? I know that when they tried to inject you with the V, you were so fucking petrified that they had to strap you to the table. And you pissed yourself, crying for your mommy like the whiny, spoiled little rich boy that you are. They gave you the world, and you? You deserve ''nothing.'' :''[Soldier Boy stands by as Homelander walks into a small chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Oh, Christ. What's this shithole now? :''[Soldier Boy shuts the door while Homelander isn't looking and turns the wheel to lock him inside the chamber]'' :'''Homelander''': What are you doing?! :''[Soldier Boy bends the wheel with his bare hands and tears it off the door]'' :'''Homelander''': ''[sarcastically]'' Oh, well done. I'll be out of here in 30 seconds! :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. Maybe not. :''[Soldier Boy pulls down a lever to open a radioactive valve. Homelander's face immediately starts blistering from the radiation.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': It's enriched uranium. They'd stick us Supes in there to see if we could survive an atomic bomb. Now, for a normal joe, they'd be dead in minutes. But for you, it's a stomach flu. Good luck, though, getting out of a Supe-proof cell while you're bleeding out of your ass. :''[Homelander fails to kill Soldier Boy by lasering him. He punches the glass as Soldier Boy walks off.]'' :'''Homelander''': Where are you going? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'm gonna go destroy any V1 that I find, you Triple Crown cock jockey. :'''Homelander''': Why? :'''Soldier Boy''': You don't get it, do you? How much I can't fucking stand you. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher sees Homelander trapped inside the uranium chamber]'' :'''Butcher''': ''[laughs]'' Oh, if only the world could see you now. Not so fuckin' super, are ya? You, uh... ''[points at Homelander's face]'' You got a bit of... ''[pause; Homelander coughs]'' Did your dad put you in timeout? Ooh… That's gotta sting, knowin' he'd rather spend eternity all alone than with the likes of you. What's the matter? Cunt got your tongue? Will wonders ever cease? ''[chuckles; lights cigarette]'' Tell me something. If you do get the juice in you, you think that makes you a god, don't ya? Seems like I know you pretty well after all. Which is why I know that even if you had a billion twats garglin' your bollocks and singin' "Hosanna", you still wouldn't be happy. 'Cause deep down, you're just a weak, thin-skinned, needy little boy. You beat the shit outta your own son. Don't get weaker than that. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs weakly while groaning in pain]'' Ryan is alive… because he's strong. 'Cause he's my son. The son of God. :'''Butcher''': You ain't no god. How's about I go fetch the virus, and then we'll watch you shit your fuckin' spine out? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' You don't have it, do you? The virus. :'''Butcher''': …Don't I? :'''Homelander''': No, you don't. You would have used it by now. ''[coughs; laughs hysterically]'' You have no way to stop me, do you? Oh, William. You have no idea what you're up against. You can't intervene. I ''will'' get the V1, and when I do, I'm gonna flay you alive. You, Starlight, all the nonbelievers. You're all gonna ''fuckin' drown'' in your own blood. :'''Butcher''': I promise you, before I die... I'll fuckin' have you. ''[walks away]'' :'''Homelander''': YOU'RE ALL FUCKING PASTE! I can take what's mine, and that makes this WHOLE FUCKING SHITBALL ''MY BIRTHRIGHT! '''MY DESTINY!''''' ==''"One-Shots"'' [5.05]== :'''Firecracker''': Next up is a $500 million ad blitz with OOH, e-blasts, print and digital. Ain’t nobody won’t know about the Democratic Church of America… and its chosen prophet. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' Prophets are servants. :'''Firecracker''': Of course, sir. Great point. We’re just trying to ease people into it. :'''Homelander''': No, no, no. We need to prepare America for my ascension. We must be honest. We must be direct. I like “savior.” Or–Or… :'''Oh Father''': Lord. Yes, I couldn’t agree more, sir. Religion is not about being meek. We should dominate the seven mountains of society, bring the Kingdom of Heaven to Earth! Amen! :'''Homelander''': Amen. :'''Firecracker''': Amen! I love all that! :'''The Deep''': So fucking dope. :'''Oh Father''': Easter is just around the corner. How perfect would it be for your second coming to come on the day of Jesus' resurrection? :'''Homelander''': Mmm… Second coming? Let's be clear: I am not the son of God. :'''Oh Father''': Well, of course. Many people believe that Jesus is both God incarnate and the son. :'''Homelander''': Well, that's just confusing. I don't want my church getting involved in all... that. :'''Firecracker''': Exactly. Besides, if we pull up our timeline, you won't have… ''[picks up a bag with a large book inside]'' this. :''[Firecracker kneels in front of Homelander, who accepts the book. He takes it out of the bag and sees "The Homelander Bible" with himself embossed on the cover.]'' :'''Oh Father''': We're gonna drag our feet because of a book? :'''Firecracker''': Not a book. ''The'' book. The Homelander Bible. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; lifts the book with his hands]'' Heavy. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[quietly]'' What the fuck? :'''Firecracker''': It's got the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the brand new American Testament, written by A.I. trained on the works of [[w:Pat Robertson|Pat Robertson]]. See, we need to pass the torch, sir. From Jesus to you. Sir, we don't get more than one chance at a first impression. Are we really gonna rush something this important? We ain't [[w:Arby's|Arby's]], after all. :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Firecracker''': We're the [[w:The Cheesecake Factory|Cheesecake Factory]]. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs deeply]'' Okay. We'll do it your way. :'''Firecracker''': Thank you. :'''Sister Sage''': You do realize this kind of sudden religious upheaval is likely to generate widespread civil unrest? :'''Firecracker''': Local law should be able to handle the suburbs, but we could use extra hands in major metros. :'''Homelander''': Oh, let's recall all Supes stationed overseas. American heroes should be protecting America, not Who-Gives-A-Fuckistan. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Firecracker''': We ain't doin' that again. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[chuckles]'' That's what you said the last six times. :'''Firecracker''': No, I really mean it this time. :'''Soldier Boy''': You seem a little out of it. Did you nut? 'Cause usually, you nut. :'''Firecracker''': ''[sighs]'' Were you baptized? :'''Soldier Boy''': Yeah, in front of half of Chestnut Hill. [[w:William Cameron Sproul|Governor Sproul]] did the honors. My family kept up appearances, of course. Then, we never set foot in church again. :'''Firecracker''': I had lunch today with the reverend who baptized me. He's been gettin' heat to switch over to our church. You think Homelander might be open to going easy on him? Just... give him a little more time? I wouldn't ask if it was just anybody, but that man practically raised me. :'''Soldier Boy''': So you didn't nut. You know, this whole Homelander as God shit, it's... it's fucking ridiculous. :'''Firecracker''': Really? You think so? :'''Soldier Boy''': If he's the second coming, then what does that make me? Joseph? I mean, talk about the biggest cuck in history. Man trades his best cow to bag some hot-ass virgin, and then God comes and squirts his baby gravy up her meat wallet. Fuck that. :'''Firecracker''': I guess I've been struggling with where to place Homelander in my heart in relation to Jesus and the Lord. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[deadpan]'' Okay. :'''Firecracker''': Of course I worship Homelander. I mean, he's always been a god to me. :'''Soldier Boy''': Look, I'll tell you this. If there is a god... sure as hell didn't come out of my balls. I gotta go. :'''Firecracker''': Where you off to? :'''Soldier Boy''': L.A… ''[snickers]'' I fucking hate L.A. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker is filming her new episode of TruthBomb and starts reading her opening monologue from a teleprompter]'' :'''Firecracker''': Welcome to ''Truthbomb''. Our top story tonight's a personal one. It's the story of my hometown church, Holy Baptist of Daytona. It was the church I grew up in. Sang my hymns from the pews there every Sunday. But that church... That church… :''[The teleprompter stops scrolling]'' :'''Firecracker''': ''[beat]'' That church... has become a hotbed of Starlighter infestation. And my old pastor, Reverend Greg Dupree, has been infected by Starlight's seditious propaganda. Now... I never told a soul this, but when I was a little girl, the reverend regularly had me over for supper. Alone. ''[pause; chuckles]'' No. Nothing ever happened to me, but... ''[sighs]'' I heard stories about his "Fish Fry Fridays." And if that ain't code for child groomin', I don't know what is. How much longer are we gonna let these institutional pedo churches diddle our babies? Americans deserve better. They deserve... Homelander. They deserve the Democratic Church of America. ''[starts crying]'' <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Would you like some knee pads? :'''The Deep''': Sorry, what? :'''Soldier Boy''': You're looking at me like you wanna suck my hog. So I'm asking you if you would like some knee pads. :'''Homelander''': Go easy on the little guy. He brought me Stan Edgar. :'''The Deep''': Thank you, sir. :'''Homelander''': You may leave. :''[Soldier Boy stays behind with Homelander in the conference room as the rest of The Seven leave]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What crawled up your shithole? :'''Homelander''': No idea what you mean. :'''Soldier Boy''': When you're pissy, you tend to make everybody else's lives pissy too. Stan Edgar still stonewalling you? :'''Homelander''': I've talked to him three times now. Says he has no idea where the V1 is. Heart rate steady as a rock. I'm starting to believe him. :'''Soldier Boy''': That slippery fuck used to fetch my cоcaіnе. ''[pause]'' You know what? I have an idea. Why don't I take a crack at him? ''[Homelander stares at him]'' What, you don't trust me? :'''Homelander''': Well, you did lock me in a room with nuclear material and tried to stop me getting the V1, so I'm sure you can understand my hesitance. :'''Soldier Boy''': You could've killed me at Fort Harmony, but you didn't. Maybe I feel like I owe you. :'''Homelander''': Or maybe you're lying. :'''Soldier Boy''': Maybe. ''[inhales deeply]'' Give me an hour. I'll meet you at Edgar's cell. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Hughie''': If you and M.M. still think– :'''Butcher''': Oh, for fuck's sakes, Hughie. Knock it off with this V1 shite! You're doin' me fuckin' head in! ''[sees his dog Terror eating out of the trash]'' Oi, Terror. Cut it out. Come on. ''[to Hughie]'' Now, listen. If we do find that stuff, we're not makin' any fuckin' vaccines out of it, alright? We're not the department of fuckin' health. We burn that shit before Homelander gets his paws on it, and that's that. :'''Hughie''': Well, if you wanna kill yourself, knock yourself out, but why do you have to decide for the rest of us? :'''Butcher''': Oh, 'cause I'm fuckin' right! 'Cause I've always been right! I've been tellin' you lot from the fuckin' start the sky is fallin', and guess what? The sky fuckin' fell. :'''Hughie''': Well, you kinda helped bring it down. :'''Butcher''': Oh, don't give me that bollocks. Listen, Homelander thinks he's a fuckin' god. Once he becomes immortal, he's gonna start killin' like one, and we are talkin' millions of people. Now, are you tellin' me you're honestly happy to risk all of that for a life on the run with your girl, knowin' that you could've stopped it? You can live with that, can ya? :'''Hughie''': What if it was Becca? You'd just let her die? :'''Butcher''': …I ''did'' let her die. :'''Hughie''': Look… I know that Homelander comes first. I really do. All I'm asking is that we try. Annie and Kimiko deserve that much. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Mister Marathon and Malchemical try to convince Soldier Boy to kill Homelander while he is unconscious]'' :'''Mister Marathon''': Hey, man, we don't have a problem with you. Honest, ''[stutters]'' but–but fuck this fucking guy. You know, he fuckеd my life. Look, if you help us get rid of him, then we all win, and you–you can have The Seven. And I don't even, like, really care if you bring me back or whatever. :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't need to kill him to get The Seven. :'''Mister Marathon''': No. Yeah, of course not, but what about all that creepy shit he's doing with that church? I mean, they're rounding up everybody cool. All the hοοkers, the drug dealers. :'''Malchemical''': They wanna ban pοrn. I mean, they wanna ban fucking abortions! :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': Okay, well, banning abortion would be a big problem for me personally. :'''Mister Marathon''': Exactly, for all of us. So, if we kill him, we can stop worrying about being cops or gods or asexual weirdos. You know, we can go back to fucking and–and being fucking awesome! :'''Malchemical''': Look, we know you've got that fucked-up chest blast thing. I mean, I was at Herogasm. I saw it. :'''Mister Marathon''': Just finish him now. Take away his powers, so we can curb stomp him while we have the chance.  :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[beat; looks down at Homelander]'' He is a fucking asexual weirdo. :'''Mister Marathon''': Yeah. :'''Malchemical''': Yeah. :'''Soldier Boy''': But as much as it pains me to say this, he's ''my'' fucking asexual weirdo. Nobody fucks my son but me. :'''Mister Marathon''': What? :'''Soldier Boy''': …That came out wrong. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Firecracker sees Homelander sitting on the couch in the Seven common room]'' :'''Firecracker''': Homelander… How was L.A.? Did you catch tonight's ''Truthbomb?'' :'''Homelander''': I did indeed. And it was a real barn-burner. Well done. :'''Firecracker''': ''[smiles]'' Thank you, sir. That means the world. :'''Homelander''': ''[pause]'' How's sеx with my father? ''[Firecracker's smile disappears]'' Is he good at it? Are you thinking about me when you're making love to him? :'''Firecracker''': I never meant to cross a line or offend you in... :'''Homelander''': Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Don't fret, little one. I don't care about the sеx, really. But I ''do'' care about your little chats after sеx. :'''Firecracker''': Sir, whatever Soldier Boy told you, I can assure you that I... :'''Homelander''': You mean your inner turmoil when it comes to me and, uh... Jesus? Are you thinking of Jesus when you're praising me? :'''Firecracker''': No, you are my one and only savior. :'''Homelander''': You say that, but your jagged little heart is whirring like a hummingbird. ''[sighs; gets up from the couch]'' You're supposed to worship me, love me and me alone. :'''Firecracker''': I do. :'''Homelander''': I believed in you. Turns out, you don't believe in me. ''[pause]'' I need you to collect your things and leave. :'''Firecracker''': But I ''do'' believe in you. I love you! I'm the only one here who ever has! I gave you ''everything!'' I gave you my soul! Everybody else here, they're just... They're just scared of you. Or they want something from you, but I have always loved you for you. Just the strongest, smartest, best man on Earth. :'''Homelander''': ''[scoffs]'' Man? :'''Firecracker''': No, no, no, no, no. ''[gets in front of Homelander]'' A god. No. No, ''the'' God. My Lord, that look you used to get when you'd suckle me? I felt like Mother Mary herself. I felt blessed to nourish someone as important as you. ''[pause; Homelander sighs]'' But nothing I ever did was good enough, was it? You cast me out into the cold, which was so much worse than never feeling your warmth in the first place. So all I have been tryin' to do is to get you to see me the way that you used to. Hell, only reason I was with Soldier Boy was that your reflected light is better than no light at all. Please, sir. I love you. We all need love, don't we? Even God. :''[Homelander reaches his hand out to touch Firecracker's cheek, then kills her by impaling her head on the left wing of an eagle statue]'' ==''"Though the Heavens Fall"'' [5.06]== :''[Hughie and Annie are laying down on the hood of his car looking at clouds together]'' :'''Hughie''': Okay, so that one? :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': It’s like a rabbit, but it’s got way too many feet. :'''Annie''': Really? I see a frog eating a dick. This is definitely in my top five. :'''Hughie''': Top five what? :'''Annie''': Things to do with you. :'''Hughie''': You’re saying that like… this is the last time we’re gonna get to do this. Hey, listen to me. The guys are gonna find Bombsight, they’ll get the V1. You’re not dying. We will have plenty of time to look for filthy shapes in the clouds. :'''Annie''': God, I don’t know where it comes from. This… unshakeable hope. :'''Hughie''': Whenever I’d get upset as a kid, which was a lot… my dad would always say, “You know, son, life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react.” And that was infuriating. But then, I spent a year in an internment camp, and I had no control over anything. I’d just lay there at night, just… so fucking angry, hearing my dad’s voice in my head… but then I finally understood what he meant. ‘Cause the only thing I had left was… hope. And it is ''really'' fucking hard to hang on to, but I… I’m trying. :'''Annie''': I think… you might be low-key the strongest person I know. :'''Hughie''': I’d prefer high-key… ''[Annie chuckles]'' but thank you. :'''Annie''': ''[beat; points at the sky]'' Look, it’s–it’s Big Bird eating a dick. :'''Hughie''': You see an unsettling amount of dicks up there, I’m just saying. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander and Soldier Boy look around Bombsight's empty house to find the V1]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': You sure this is the right address? :'''Homelander''': I'm sure. :'''Soldier Boy''': Well, there's no sign of Bombsight... or fucking anyone. Maybe Crime Analytics got a bad tip. :''[Homelander sees a laptop on the table. When he opens it up, a video of him and Stormfront having sex starts playing. He notices Soldier Boy watching along with him and closes the laptop.]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': What the fuck was that? :'''Homelander''': I can explain. :'''Soldier Boy''': That was Clara. You told me she killed herself. :'''Homelander''': She did, after Ryan did ''that'' to her. It's his fault. :'''Soldier Boy''': So then what? You locked her in your apartment like some kind of amputee fuck doll... :'''Homelander''': No. :'''Soldier Boy''': ...and filmed her for kicks? :'''Homelander''': No, no, no! It wasn't like that! I did... I did everything I could to keep her alive, to–to make her happy. ''[Soldier Boy punches him]'' Just listen to me, okay?! It wasn't all like... that. I couldn't let her go. I didn't know how... because I loved her. And so did you. :'''Soldier Boy''': You're goddamn right I loved her. :'''Homelander''': She wouldn't want us fighting over her. :'''Soldier Boy''': Don't fucking tell me what she would want! You knew her for five minutes; I was with her for decades! :'''Homelander''': Hold–Hold on. This–This is a setup. Someone's trying to separate us. This has been plan... Fucking Sage. It's Sage. You see? She's trying to screw with us. ''[Soldier Boy turns around to leave]'' Oh, come on! I can't find the V1 without you! :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; turns back around]'' Good. You don't deserve to live forever. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Butcher tries to call Bombsight using one of his old phone numbers, but gets a fax machine instead]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': That a fuckin’ fax machine? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, it’s the last of the numbers she had for him. ''[to Golden Geisha]'' Oi. Twenty-three fuckin' numbers you had for Bombsight, and they’re all fuckin' shite? :'''Golden Geisha''': Do you know how to delete them? I was telling you the truth. I have no idea where Bombsight is, or how to reach him. So just let me go. :'''Butcher''': Kimiko, keep an eye on her. :''[Frenchie joins Butcher and M.M. on their way back to their hideout]'' :'''Mother's Milk''': The fuck do we do now? :'''Butcher''': Fetch us some pliers and put the screws to her. She knows more than she’s lettin’ on. :''[They open the door to their hideout and walk inside]'' :'''Frenchie''': Or she doesn’t. I’m sorry, but she’s not that good of an actress. :'''Sister Sage''': He’s right. ''[sarcastically when M.M. and Frenchie aim their guns at her]'' Ooh, I know. The villain switching sides in the final hour. What a twist, a shock that never happens. But unclench those assholes, fellas. I’m here to help. I’m a free agent now. I came alone. You can shoot me in the heart whenever you like. :'''Butcher''': That’s a good idea. ''[takes out and cocks his gun]'' :'''Sister Sage''': That would go against our mutual interest. :'''Butcher''': Which is? :'''Sister Sage''': Stopping a petulant, laser-eyed narcissist from also becoming immortal. I want him dead as much as you do. :'''Mother's Milk''': You spent the last couple of years building Homelander up, and now you wanna tear him down? Why the fuck should we trust you? :'''Sister Sage''': You can’t trust me. Honestly, you shouldn’t, but you will. :'''Frenchie''': And why would we do that? :'''Sister Sage''': I know Campbell and Starlight are headed to plant your little virus. You can trace anyone, if you know what to look for. And you baboons, you leave a trail of banana peels wherever you go. I could have stopped you, I could have killed you... but I didn’t. :'''Butcher''': That virus is gonna wipe out the fuckin’ lot of ya. And you don’t strike me as the suicide type. :'''Sister Sage''': I will be in my nice, quiet bunker, reading [[w:Ludwig Wittgenstein|Wittgenstein]] in peace. That is, unless that bleached blonde baby gets his hands on V1 and survives. You must have realized by now Granny out there has no clue how to contact Bombsight, but I do. And I can get him here. So... let me help. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Kimiko''': I wanted to say... I'm very sorry about this. I watched every episode of ''Undercover Geisha'' when I was a kid. I loved it, even the parts that were ridiculous racist stereotypes. It meant so much to see someone who looked like me on TV. ''[brief pause]'' We watched with Japanese subtitles. It's how I learned English. :'''Golden Geisha''': If you're such a big fan, let me go. :'''Frenchie''': ''Désolé'', but we cannot. Not until we get the V1 that Bombsight possesses. :'''Golden Geisha''': Wait, that's what you're after? V1? ''[laughs]'' :'''Kimiko''': What–What's so funny? :'''Golden Geisha''': I'll tell Bombsight to just give it to you. I sure as hell don't want it. :'''Kimiko''': ...He stole the V1 for you, so you two could be together forever. ''[pause]'' But you didn't take it. :'''Golden Geisha''': ''[shakes her head]'' I said no... which is why he left. I guess, for him, watching me get old was too painful. :'''Frenchie''': I'm sorry, I do not understand. Why won't you take it? :'''Golden Geisha''': To live forever? It'd be torture. ''[scoffs]'' You're both so young. You wouldn't understand. :'''Kimiko''': Maybe I would. :'''Golden Geisha''': Summer is only beautiful when you know winter is coming. :'''Frenchie''': ''[beat; to Kimiko]'' Is this how you feel? :'''Kimiko''': ''[nods]'' Annie and I talked about it. We'd have to... ''[signing]'' We'd have to watch you and Hughie waste away. Neither of us wants to die, but... we don't wanna be vampires either. <hr width="50%"/> :''[The Legend leads Homelander inside the Boys' hideout, which is deserted]'' :'''The Legend''': Okay, um... :'''Homelander''': No one here. :'''The Legend''': I grant you, it–it looks like that, yeah. But this–this is their hideout, so I'm sure there's plenty of clues all over here. ''[picks up a receipt]'' Here you go. ''[Homelander sighs]'' Oh, no. Well, this is nothing. But, you know, they have to have left something behind, you know? :'''Homelander''': ''[looks at the receipt; chuckles]'' Hmmph. It's not nothing. :'''The Legend''': It's a Taco Bell receipt. :'''Homelander''': No, ''this is Sage!'' Taunting me! :'''The Legend''': Okay. :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs frustratingly; sits on bed]'' This makes no sense. This makes no sense. This makes no sense! ''[chuckles]'' You said I would get the V1. You said I'd be a god. Did I do something wrong? Did I fail you? I did everything you asked me to. I gave my boy up. Please, don't leave me here to just rot. Don't just let me become ''nothing'' like ''him.'' Please… :'''The Legend''': ''[beat]'' I gotta assume… The only reason you're saying all this stuff is, you're... You're not gonna let me walk out of here alive, are you? Yeah? Okay. Yeah. ''[pause]'' Alright, look, kid. I've been around a long time and I… This is just how it goes. You know all those old Supes at the home? Every one of them had their moments in the sun and they all thought it was gonna go on forever. And every one of them got shoved out in the end. They all got shoved out. All of them. And I know what I'm talking about; I did the shoving. I mean, look at Goldie. One minute, she's on the set of ''Undercover Geisha'', getting finger-popped by Lorenzo Lamas. The next, she's shilling for VoughtAlert necklaces and Activia poop yogurt. :'''Homelander''': Geisha sells VoughtAlert necklaces? :'''The Legend''': Guess you don't watch your own news channel. The point is, look, there comes a day… I got shoved out, too. Never saw it coming. Did not see that coming, and I fought it like hell. But in the end... bupkis. There is a natural order to things. And the more you fight the inevitable, the more the inevitable just… cunt-punts you. ''[pats Homelander's shoulder]'' Yep. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; gets up]'' You're not scared of me. :'''The Legend''': No, I'm not scared of you. I… I feel for you, kid. I do. I mean, you're a fucking whackjob. But, you know, there's talent. So… No surprise there. ''[pause]'' So, there you go. Do what you gotta do. :'''Homelander''': ''[sighs]'' ...You can go. :'''The Legend''': I–I can go? :'''Homelander''': ''[quickly]'' Leave. No words. Just go. Now. Go. ''[brief pause]'' ''Now.'' :'''The Legend''': Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. :''[After The Legend leaves, Homelander makes a call to Crime Analytics on his cell phone]'' :'''Operator''': How can I help you, sir? :'''Homelander''': I need the tracking coordinates for a VoughtAlert necklace. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier Boy''': Tough skin or not, I can still break your fuckin' neck! :'''Bombsight''': Ben, stop. Please. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause; lets Bombsight go]'' Goddammit. :'''Bombsight''': ''[beat]'' I can't give it to you. :'''Soldier Boy''': Goldie doesn't even wanna take it. :'''Bombsight''': Then maybe someday, I'll find someone who will! :'''Soldier Boy''': You were always gonna fuck it up with Goldie anyway. You could never hold down a girl! It was either a smack needle up your dick or— :'''Bombsight''': Having to stand next to you? You were everyone's favorite from the start, especially Clara. Everything they wanted us to be–everything they were working towards–they saw it in you. I fucking hated you for it. :'''Soldier Boy''': No. No, I wasn't everything Clara wanted. I didn't know how to be. :'''Bombsight''': But you loved her. What wouldn't you give to have her back... forever? :'''Soldier Boy''': …I really fuckin' hate you. :'''Bombsight''': No shit. :'''Soldier Boy''': But we don't have to kill each other. I can take away your immortality... and your powers. You won't have to live forever alone. Then, you and Goldie can spend whatever time you have left like you want. :'''Bombsight''': Why would you do that for me? :'''Soldier Boy''': I'd do it for the V1. :''[Bombsight hands a case to Soldier Boy, who opens it to find a V1 syringe inside. The Boys hear an explosion from far away and run towards it. Cut to Bombsight looking at the wound near his shoulder.]'' :'''Bombsight''': This is the first time I've seen my blood in... I can't remember. <hr width="50%"/> :''[Homelander finds Soldier Boy with the V1 syringe he received from Bombsight. The Boys and Sister Sage watch them from the nearby woods.]'' :'''Homelander''': Don't. I don't wanna fight you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[looks down at the syringe]'' You know, Clara used to say the craziest shit. That I was the strongest Supe alive, the ultimate expression of what we could be... but she was wrong. ''[pause]'' She hadn't met you yet. :''[Soldier Boy offers the syringe to Homelander, who accepts it]'' :'''Butcher''': No. :'''Sister Sage''': I don't understand. He wasn't supposed to... It's impossible. :'''Homelander''': But you hate me. :'''Soldier Boy''': I love her more... and this is what she would want. :''[Homelander lasers his left arm and injects the V1 into his wound. His eyes immediately start flickering and he kneels on the ground in pain. The Boys watch in horror as Homelander screams and shoots powerful lasers into the sky.]'' :'''Butcher''': '''''Run.''''' ==''"The Frenchman, the Female, and the Man Called Mother's Milk"'' [5.07]== :''[A V1-empowered Homelander sits in President Calhoun's chair in the Oval Office. He hears a knock at the door]'' :'''Homelander''': Come in! ''[in a cheerful tone as Ashley and Calhoun enter]'' Hello, you two. Isn't it a beautiful day? :'''Calhoun''': ''[nervously]'' You're welcome to use this office as long as you need. :'''Homelander''': I know. Let's get right to it! While Oh Father is hard at work on my divine unveiling, I have a few action items I need you to handle. :'''Ashley''': Of course. Anything, sir. :'''Homelander''': The Democratic Church of America is to be the ''official'' national religion, based around the one true god: Me. :'''Calhoun''': Great idea. :'''Homelander''': I want every boundary between church and state dissolved. I want troops sent into every sanctuary city that took in Starlighters. Issue an executive order banning abortion. Also, breastfeeding is now mandatory. Babies need their mothers, not fake milk. Actually, outlaw that, too. :'''Ashley''': Sir? :'''Homelander''': ''[intensely] Ban nut milk.'' The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was making you think nuts were milk. ''[snickers after a short silence]'' :'''Calhoun''': Those are all, uh, fantastic ideas, sir. Um... I'll run them by Congress– :'''Homelander''': No, disband it. :'''Calhoun''': Sorry? :'''Homelander''': Disband Congress. It's better for freedom. :'''Calhoun''': Well, sir, I don't really have that authority. :'''Homelander''': ''[frowns]'' Ashley, do me a favor. Read Steven's mind. I wanna know if he's a true believer. :'''Calhoun''': But of... course I am, sir. :'''Homelander''': Terrific! Then you have nothing to worry about. ''[gets up and steps over to Ashley]'' Do it. :''[He rips off her wig, and she gasps and covers her face in shame as "Back Ashley" is revealed]'' :'''Calhoun''': ''[revolted]'' What the fuck is that? :'''"Back Ashley"''': Don't look! :'''Homelander''': Don't make me ask again. :'''"Back Ashley"''': ''[stammering in fear]'' Sir, I–I... Sir, I... :'''Ashley''': ''[sighs; steels herself and turns back to Homelander]'' He's terrified of you, sir. He thinks you're just a tiny bit psychotic. :'''Homelander''': Steven! ''[steps towards Calhoun, glaring intensely]'' Here I am. A living god. ''[rests his hands on Calhoun's shoulders]'' Right before your eyes... and still, your faith wavers? ''[beat; Calhoun is clearly too terrified to answer]'' It's okay. No, I'm not angry... ''[clasps his head gently]'' But I ''am'' disappointed. :''[He crushes Calhoun's head into a pulp, then wipes the blood off his hands on a sofa. An utterly terrified Ashley stares at Calhoun's body as Homelander sits back down.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie sees Kimiko suffering from radiation exposure inside a homemade uranium chamber while Butcher and Frenchie watch]'' :'''Hughie''': What the fuck is going on in here? :'''Kimiko''': I'm okay. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' The second she's ready, we go the next dose, alright? :'''Hughie''': "Next dose?" Are you kidding?! Look at her! What are you doing? :'''Butcher''': Plan fuckin' B, my son. If at first you don't succeed, find another hole to fuck. See, Soldier Boy's flashy tіt blast got me thinkin', he–he weren't born with that power. The Ivans gave it to him through a consistent application of scientific methodology. :'''Frenchie''': They threw an atom bomb worth of radiation at him. :'''Butcher''': Right. So, usin' the research we nicked from 'em a few donkeys back, me and Frenchie are doin' the same thing to Kimiko. She gets Soldier Boy's power, she tіt-blasts Homelander, bees and fuckin' honey. :'''Hughie''': So when we kept asking what you two were up to, and you kept saying, "Mind your fuckin' business, cunt," it was this? :'''Butcher''': Yeah. :'''Hughie''': Butcher, this is... the most insane-ass shit I ever heard. In a few weeks, you're gonna somehow do what it took the Russians over a decade? :'''Butcher''': Yeah, 'cause unlike the Ivans, we got us a livin', breathin' supercomputer bunked down in student services. :'''Hughie''': Sage? All she does is self-medicate and binge [[w:Love Island (American TV series)|''Love Island'']]. This could fucking kill Kimiko. Frenchie… :'''Frenchie''': No. It's not my wish. :'''Hughie''': Fuck Butcher. Who cares what he wants? :''[Kimiko coughs and stumbles out of the uranium chamber]''  :'''Kimiko''': Not Butcher. ''[panting heavily]'' Me. It's my call. <hr width='50%'> :'''Annie''': Oh Father's up to something big at Vought Studios, but we don't know what. Could be a trap. :'''Frenchie''': Could be. :'''Butcher''': ''[to Frenchie]'' You stay here with Kimiko and Sage. We'll bust into the studio, nab the holy twat, stomp on his bollocks till he gives us Homelander's next move. And then I'll do the cunt and we'll call it an honest day's work, yeah? :'''Hughie''': No. Quit acting like we're going on a milk run. It's over. ''[voice breaking]'' We lost. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat]'' [[w:Victoria Beckham|Posh Spice]] was easily the most shit member of [[w:Spice Girls|the squad]]. Could barely sing or dance. No discernible talent whatsoever. Wasn't even featured on [[w:Wannabe|"Wannabe"]], but did that stop her? No. You look at her now... still married with [[w:David Beckham|Becks]]. Fifteen engagement rings, 32 ''Vogue'' covers, inducted by Prince William into the Order of the bloody British Empire. Even I doubted her move into women's apparel, but her line is a staple at Paris fuckin' Fashion Week. You see, despite her obvious disadvantages–includin' a tragic inability to smile–she never gave up, and we ain't givin' up either. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[shakes his head]'' Your fuckin' pep talks. :'''Frenchie''': Terrible. :'''Annie''': The worst. :'''Butcher''': Ah, bollocks. That was a fuckin' knockout. <hr width='50%'> :''[Alone and depressed, The Deep tosses an aluminum can into the sea. A hammerhead shark appears and [[w:Samuel L. Jackson|speaks to him]]]'' :'''Xander''': Yo! You gonna get that, bro? :'''The Deep''': Xander! ''[chuckles]'' Hey, what you doing here? So good to see you, man. :'''Xander''': We wouldn't want a little guppy to get caught in that can, my man. Come on in, grab it. ''[swims in circles]'' :'''The Deep''': I've had such a fucked day, man. You wouldn't believe it, bro. :'''Xander''': Yeah. Get in the water, man. :'''The Deep''': No. You're not... You're not listening to me– :'''Xander''': ''[angrily]'' Ah, shut the fuck up! We know you were responsible for the pipeline genocide. Remember March 15th, motherfucker! :'''The Deep''': No... No, wait, that–That wasn't me, man! :'''Xander''': If you step one foot, one fucking stupid-ass simian toe in the water ''ANYWHERE''—an ocean, a stream, a fucking puddle—on God, son, you're dead! We're gonna ''KILL YOU!'' You understand, you dumb motherfucker?! Water is fucking off limits to you! ''YOU ARE '''DEAD''' TO US! [swimming away]'' Bitch-ass! <hr width='50%'> :''[Soldier Boy sees Homelander standing over a scale model of a Homelander-themed amusement park]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': The fuck is all this? :'''Homelander''': Hey. HomeLand. Next phase of the reboot. Showing the faithful my boundless love for them. ''[points at a monument of himself]'' That there? The Homelander Mount. We're saying that this is where the angel visited me, and I ascended to godhood. :'''Soldier Boy''': …Right. :'''Homelander''': You're gonna love this. ''[waves his hand over a rollercoaster]'' This area here? We're calling it: "Soldier Boy: Father of God!" All the fastest rides are gonna be there, and every night, there's gonna be a ticker-tape parade, honoring you. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' I'm gonna head down to Bogotá. Figure I'll snort and fuck my way through the banana republics. :'''Homelander''': Uh... When are you coming back? :'''Soldier Boy''': Probably not for… ever. :'''Homelander''': What? Look, if you don't like the park, I mean, forget it. I don't–I don't care about any of it. You want hοοker and blow? I'll get you all the drugs and all the wrinkly old whοres in America. :'''Soldier Boy''': No, you're not hearing me. :'''Homelander''': No, you're not hearing ''me.'' I am where I am because you chose me. To help me. So, I want you to have whatever you want. :'''Soldier Boy''': What I want is to get away. :'''Homelander''': From what? ''[scoffs]'' Or from who? :'''Soldier Boy''': This just ain't my bag, kid. :'''Homelander''': I welded your shield back together, you never use it. I hired you a three-star Michelin chef, all you ever order is meatloaf and chili. I even had L.J. mock up a new super suit for you. :''[Homelander pulls out a poster of Soldier Boy wearing an American flag-patterned suit]'' :'''Soldier Boy''': Oh, God. See, that's what I'm talking about. :'''Homelander''': Oh, God? What?! :'''Soldier Boy''': I don't want that. And another thing: I gave you the V1 because of Clara. Because that's what she would've wanted. This was never gonna be a "playing catch on the front lawn", "fixing up the old Impala" bullshit. You're too weird. :'''Homelander''': Stop fucking saying that. :'''Soldier Boy''': And you're no god. No angel came to you. You had a wet dream about some chick with big, juicy tіts. If that makes you a god, then I'm a fucking god every night. :'''Homelander''': '''I ''AM'' GOD!''' :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[pause]'' Would it help if I said, "It's not you, it's me"? :'''Homelander''': ''[laughs softly]'' If you wanna go, go. :'''Soldier Boy''': ''[sighs; pats Homelander on the back]'' Good luck, son. :''[Homelander suddenly grabs Soldier Boy from behind and puts him in a chokehold until he passes out]'' :'''Homelander''': I love you. <hr width='50%'> :'''Mother's Milk''': Help me out here. In the movie, was Homelander God, the [[w:Second Coming|Second Coming]], or Jesus' brother? 'Cause the world-building in there was fuckеd. :'''Annie''': Does it even matter? I mean, they will believe whatever he tells them. What is the fucking point of saving people if they don't wanna be saved? This is what they want. :'''Mother's Milk''': ''[beat]'' Alright. So, back when my Gramps got killed by Soldier Boy, shit got rough. Neighborhood kids laughed, called me soft, shit like that. And then one day, I find this pigeon on the sidewalk, wing busted. He was in bad shape. So, I run inside, grab a shoebox and a first aid kit, and come to start nursin' it. I figure, if I can save just this one life, maybe it might somehow make up for... Anyway, those same fuckin' kids, they found out. And so now, it don't take a genius to go from Marvin Milk to Mother's Milk. "Yo, Mother's Milk, you letting that sky rat suck on your tіttіеs or that dіck?" They were relentless. Right up until the day when that little bird flew outta my house and right over their heads, good as new. And you know what, Annie? Here's the crazy thing: I loved my new name. 'Cause I loved helpin' people. I loved being kind, makin' my family proud. That name was a badge of honor for me. Now, last year, locked up in that detention center, something changed. My heart, it just got scarred over. Like the world had just broken it one too many times. And yeah, it got easier, just being cynical. Checking out. But I also hated myself a lot more. I went from being a mοthеrfuckеr with a heart to just being a mοthеrfuckеr. But you know what? Givin' a shit in a world where nobody gives a shit? It ain't soft. It's hard as hell… and that's the real me. ''[pause]'' And that's the real you, too. <hr width='50%'> :''[Butcher and Hughie are captured by a psychic shapeshifter named Synapse]'' :'''Synapse''': How are you two feeling? :'''Butcher''': Why don't you just fuck off outta my head and I'll tell ya. :'''Synapse''': I already know. You wanna rip me in two, which makes a tiny bit erect, not gonna lie. But believe me… I'd rather not be in that rat's nest of yours. So much pain, regret and abject failure. Like with this fucking guy. :''[Synapse's body twitches as he transforms into Joe Kessler]'' :'''Synapse/Kessler''': ''[chuckles; sighs]'' I got a little bit of an erection myself. You miss me? :'''Hughie''': Who's this? :'''Butcher''': He ain't real. He's just fuckin' with us. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Come on, man. ''[to Hughie]'' Joseph Alan Kessler. I served with Bill. Actually, you know what? More than that. Billy and I… ''[makes a hand heart gesture]'' we were besties. See, the problem you're having is that curdled cottage cheese you got inside your skull that remembers me as being some sort of a sociopath head case. That hurts my feelings, Billy. It’s not true. That wasn’t me. No, that was always you. You know, sometimes, Billy’d get real friggin’ blitzed. All quiet and sullen. And then he’d admit that he had this darkness inside of him. A shark that couldn’t stop. ''[pause]'' You see, Billy had no conscience. So, I was there to be that for him. Pull him back when he went too far. ''[to Butcher]'' Does that ring any bells? :'''Butcher''': Just ignore him, Hughie. It’s just psyops bollocks. That’s all. Just bollocks. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': Do you remember when the night finally came to cash that check? Panjshir Valley. We were there to take out this mid-level ISIS clown. Billy got us into the compound. The problem is that we got this call that this asshat had a hundred men that were minutes behind us. Now, any sane command leader, they’d pull their men out. Make sure they were safe. But not Billy, no. See, Billy got that little glint in his eye. Wouldn’t give the order, so I got in his face. I screamed at him, "The target’s not worth it. The target wasn’t worth it!" ''[beat]'' Nothing, so I popped him one. Smacked him right there on the forehead, got him this sweet little scar you see. But Billy? Well, Billy didn’t budge. No. And sure as shit… we were surrounded. Good news is that old Butcher, he got his target. The issue was that Billy was the only member of the unit to walk out of there alive. So, he will ask you to pull him back. But the truth of the matter is, is you are fucked when you get in his way. Lot of dead canaries in old Billy Butcher’s coal mine. Anyway… Good luck with that, Hughie. :'''Butcher''': Why don’t you just piss off, you fuckin' nonce? We ain’t tellin' you shite. :'''Synapse/Kessler''': You don’t have to tell me “shite.” I know everything. I’ve been inside your cassava the whole fucking time. I’ve just been distracting you. Let’s see, Sage is in an abandoned school in Erie, Pennsylvania, and Kimiko? Seriously? You’re gonna saddle her with Soldier Boy’s power blast? Are you fucking insane? ''[laughs]'' Homelander is gonna love this shit. Alright, boys. I’ll see you soon. <hr width='50%'> :''[Frenchie taps on a wall to divert Homelander away from Kimiko and Sister Sage. Homelander immediately comes to Frenchie and sees him inside the homemade uranium chamber.]'' :'''Homelander''': The Frenchman. ''[opens the door]'' Where are the others? Where's Sage? :''[Frenchie says nothing and smirks while giving Homelander the middle finger]'' :'''Homelander''': Oh, ha-ha-ha. ''[pause; walks into the chamber]'' You don't really think you're gonna recreate Soldier Boy's little party trick, do you? :'''Frenchie''': We already did... and they're coming for you as we speak. So gargle my hairy nutsack, you Nazi ''putain''. And gargle on this. :''[Frenchie flips a lever up to expose Homelander and himself to radiation. They both groan in pain as their faces start blistering.]'' :'''Frenchie''': Look at you. I bet you never danced a day in your life. ==''"Blood and Bone"'' [5.08]== :'''Homelander''': It's alright. I'm not here to hurt you. :'''Ryan''': You mean like last time? :'''Homelander''': Look at you. No harm done. :'''Ryan''': How'd you find me? :'''Homelander''': Crime Analytics caught wind of a young man flying outside Kolvereid. Tends to draw attention. :'''Ryan''': I don't want your help. :'''Homelander''': I know. You've made that very clear. But you're also the son of God, and you should not be sleeping in a barn. You can have a whole floor of the Tower. Do what you want with it, come and go as you please. :'''Ryan''': I don't wanna be anywhere near you. :'''Homelander''': Everything is different now. I've ascended. I'm immortal. :'''Ryan''': Then, why do you give a shit about what happens to me? :'''Homelander''': Because we're family. ''[Ryan scoffs]'' We have the same blood pumping through our veins. :'''Ryan''': Yeah, well, you've got your shitty racist dad. So you don't need me. :'''Homelander''': No, Soldier Boy doesn't matter. You and I, that's all that matters. I know you, because I ''am'' you. And you're me. :'''Ryan''': Dad… Get fuckеd. I am nothing like you. You were already the most powerful person on Earth. And you were a lonely, miserable piece of fucking shit, throwing tantrums when you didn't get what you want. Why the fuck would more power make you any better? It's just gonna make you an even more lonely, miserable piece of shit. Scaring people into calling you God doesn't make you God. And deep down, you know that. :'''Homelander''': ''[beat; tearfully sighs]'' It's okay. You don't know what's going on. It's okay… but you will. <hr width='50%'> :'''Homelander''': Who the fuck is that? :'''Oh Father''': Günter Van Ellis. World's richest man. Seventeen children. Amateur astronaut. :'''Homelander''': So? :'''Oh Father''': Well, he represents a consortium of billionaires, and they have a few requests. :'''Homelander''': I don't have time for this. :'''Oh Father''': Well, they are the ruling class of America. To build your church, we'll need their support. :'''Homelander''': Is he a believer? Are any of them? Or are they just scared of me? Even Thomas doubted. :'''Oh Father''': With enough time, the gentlest water can wear down any stone. Patience. :'''Homelander''': Wherever you're going, get there faster. :'''Oh Father''': I believe we should consider postponing. :'''Homelander''': Out of the question. :'''Oh Father''': You saw Butcher's lab. If he managed to figure out Soldier Boy's blast, or if there were even the slightest chance that he might render you powerless… :'''Homelander''': You think I'm afraid of William Butcher? :'''Oh Father''': No. No, of course not. ''[laughing]'' Of course not. And we've taken the necessary precautions. We moved the venue here. We just don't want any distractions on your blessed day. And it will give me more time to do what I do best: Convert more souls to your righteous banner. :''[The Deep notices Homelander as he walks by]'' :'''The Deep''': Your Eminence? ''[Homelander sighs]'' :'''Oh Father''': Not now, Deep. :'''The Deep''': Not your call, Prophet Brohammad. ''[to Homelander]'' Look, you don't need The Seven anymore? Genius move, as always, but I've been thinking. What you do need is a Crusader. Yeah, like one of those yoked knights from the olden days. Crack some skulls, lay down your holy law. :''[Homelander just lets out an exasperated sigh and leaves. He sees Günther and takes him outside.] :'''Oh Father''': Where did you learn about [[w:Crusades|the Crusades]]? :'''The Deep''': The Bible. Ever heard of it? :'''Oh Father''': It's not in the Bible. Uh, let me guess. ''[[w:Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade|Indiana Jones]]''? :'''The Deep''': What? No, ''[[w:Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves|Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves]]''. :''[Homelander grabs Günther and flies up with him]'' :'''Oh Father''': That's not a documentary. :'''The Deep''': No shit, Sherlock. :''[They see Homelander return without Günther. Oh Father looks shocked and confused as Homelander walks back inside.]'' :'''Oh Father''': What did you...? :'''Homelander''': He's an astronaut. I took him to space. Now, listen to me. I don't need anyone anymore. I don't need billionaires– :'''The Deep''': I couldn't agree more, sir. :'''Homelander''': ''[turns to look at The Deep]'' And I don't need perverted fish fuckers who debase themselves endlessly for mere drops of my affection. :'''The Deep''': Is that what you think of me? :'''Homelander''': Since the day we met. I have never had less respect for anyone in my life. In fact, Kevin, the only reason that I haven't ''fucking killed you'' is that I want you to feel ''deep'' in your heart how ''truly worthless'' you really are. ''[smiles and sighs happily; to Oh Father]'' Are the psychics in place? :'''Oh Father''': Nationwide. :'''Homelander''': Good. The second the live broadcast is over, I want the wheat separated from the chaff. Those who don't accept my truth will be the first to burn in my holy fire. Smile, Father. One way or another, it's gonna be a beautiful day. <hr width='50%'> :'''The Deep''': Starlight... It was all a test. Yes! The universe is rewarding me for my loyalty, just like [[w:Sean Connery|Sean Connery]] rewarded [[w:Kevin Costner|Costner]] at the end of ''Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves''! :'''Hughie''': Sweet ''Jesus'', you're a moron. :'''The Deep''': ''[glances at him in annoyance, then points at Starlight]'' I'm gonna kill you. And then Homelander will finally see. :'''Annie''': ''[to M.M. and Hughie]'' I got him. Keep going. :''[She lunges at the Deep, carrying them both through a window and across Washington before they crash land on a seashore. They both pick themselves up, and the Deep keeps trying to attack her.]'' :'''Annie''': Why are you doing this, huh? Risking your life for a man who wouldn't even piss on you if you were on fire? :'''The Deep''': I'm his right-hand bro! He'll piss on me whenever I want! :'''Annie''': Listen... I know you're scared– :'''The Deep''': I'm not scared of shit! :'''Annie''': Deep, ''Kevin''... I can see in your eyes. Homelander terrifies you, but he sure as fuck doesn't respect you. Don't you wanna be free of it? Of him? :'''The Deep''': That fucking mouth of yours...! :'''Annie''': This isn't about me. :'''The Deep''': OF COURSE IT IS! I used to have it all! Real power, respect, a Top 50 STARmeter on [[w:IMDb|IMDb]] Pro! But all the bad shit started when ''you'' showed up! I LOST EVERYTHING! :'''Annie''': ''You'' made those fucked-up choices. You ruined your own life. You're not a fucking baby. For once, take some responsibility for yourself! :'''The Deep''': ''[exploding with rage] '''NOOOO!''''' :''[They fight, and though the Deep manages to knock her to the ground once, Annie delivers several heavy blows, including one to his groin, before blasting him and sending him flying backwards into the sea. He is immediately surrounded by a mob of angry sharks.]'' :'''Sharks''': Justice for Ambrosius! :'''The Deep''': ''[terrified]'' Oh, my God! Oh, shit! I'm so sorry! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! Stay away from me! :''[He pitifully tries to swim back to shore, but a [[w:Giant Pacific octopus|giant octopus]] grabs him by the leg.]'' :'''Octopus''': Say her name! :'''The Deep''': Fuck! I'm sorry! Oh, shit! :''[The octopus uses its tentacle to fatally impale him through his backside, the tip erupting from his mouth. He is then dragged underwater, and the sharks devour him in a cloud of blood as Annie watches in shock.]'' :'''Annie''': ...Huh. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander gives his Easter address from the Oval Office and begins reading from a teleprompter]'' :'''Homelander''': My fellow Americans... Happy Easter. A day commemorating Jesus, who, as we all know, was tortured, stripped of his dignity and killed. And that's all well and good... but you're Americans. You deserve a God who doesn't die. A God who fights back. A God you can believe in. Well, today, I bring you good news. Recently, I was visited by an exquisite angel bearing the gift of revelation. As I bathed in her light, her heavenly lips spilled sweet truth into my ear, and I was awakened to my true purpose. Not just to be the world's greatest hero but to save all humanity. To be... the Second Coming. But in a way, really, I'm the First Coming. America... I am the Lord. Your savior. ''I am your God.'' And as such, I'm going to usher this world into a new, golden dawn. An age in which your God moves among you, seen and heard. Your prayers are truly answered when you visit "homelander.church." And all I ask for in return… I simply ask that you open your hearts and put your faith in me. Those who accept my truth will be welcomed into a land of milk and honey. For I am your Fa… :''[Homelander stares blankly at the teleprompter when he sees the word "Father"]'' :'''Homelander''': I am… ''[beat]'' But no matter what I do, some of you people will never accept me into your hearts. Never love me. Never believe in me. And to such heretics, I offer oblivion. And those who seek to destroy me, you will die the most horrible of deaths, as befits your wickedness. My reign will last forever, and when this world is cold and dead, I shall remain. Eternal. God of the ashes. :''[Butcher and Kimiko suddenly break into the Oval Office]'' :'''Butcher''': Evening, cunts. Daddy's home.  :'''Homelander''': William. I was starting to think you weren't gonna hold up your end of our deal. :'''Butcher''': Scorched earth? :'''Homelander''': ''[pause; grins]'' A shame about the French one. How's your little science experiment going without him? :'''Butcher''': Let's find out. <hr width='50%'> :''[Homelander is now at Butcher's mercy after losing his powers]'' :'''Butcher''': Shock and awe, my son. Blood and fuckin' bone. :''[Homelander silently panics before charging toward Butcher, who grabs Homelander's fist with his left hand and punches him three times with the other. Butcher grabs Homelander again and prepares to land another punch.]'' :'''Butcher''': This... is for Frenchie. :''[Butcher beats Homelander's face to a bloody pulp, knocking him down to the floor and leaving him blubbering in fear]'' :'''Homelander''': Stop! You owe me. All the times I could've killed you and I didn't, I let you live. I'll–I'll give you Vought. ''[Butcher picks up his crowbar]'' I'll give you Vought, alright? You can do whatever you want with it, okay? I'll–I'll... ''[stammers]'' Becca. You want your wife back? I'll have a shape-shifter be her. ''[whimpers when Butcher says nothing]'' Just tell me! I'll fucking suck your dіck! Please! I'll do anything! You want me to eat shit?! I'll eat your fucking shit! I'll eat your fucking shit on live TV! ''[pause; Butcher knocks him down against the desk]'' Madelyn, you promised me. It's not real. ''[to Butcher]'' You can't fucking do this. ''You can't fucking do this! '''I am the Homelander!''''' :'''Butcher''': No. No, you ain't nothing. And this... This is for my Becca. :'''Homelander''': No, no... :''[Butcher stabs Homelander in the head with the crowbar, killing him instantly. He lifts the crowbar upwards, breaking Homelander's skull open and spilling brain matter all over the desk.]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Hughie confronts Butcher at Vought Tower to stop him from releasing the Supe virus. Butcher is looking out the window when Hughie enters the main conference room.]'' :'''Butcher''': Traffic? :'''Hughie''': Yeah. Accident on the bridge. Should've taken the tunnel. :'''Butcher''': ''[turns around]'' I thought you might try to stop me. But you shouldn't have come alone. You should've brought a fuckin' army. :'''Hughie''': No. If you were gonna release the virus, you would've done it already. :'''Butcher''': Unless... I'm waitin' for all the Supe cunts to clock in for the day shift. Not much point shootin' spunk into an empty fuckin' building, now is there? :'''Hughie''': Okay, well, now I kinda wish I brought an army. Where's the virus, Butcher? :'''Butcher''': I dumped it in the sprinkler tank. Frenchie's idea, God rest the mad bastard. ''[picks up remote controller]'' All I gotta do is pull this trigger, and it rains kill juice on all 99 floors. Shit will be worldwide within a couple of days. :'''Hughie''': Why? I mean, we already won. :'''Butcher''': Won? No, we just gave 'em a black eye. As long as there's Vought, there'll be Supes. And sooner or later, some cunt that's already out there becomes the next Homelander, and you fuckin' know it. No. We need to end the whole bloody notion of Supes, and we need to make it permanent. I mean, you can see it, right? This is it. This is the moment. :'''Hughie''': You dragged me through fucking hell... for this. For now. To be your... canary. Or your Kessler. Or Lenny. But here's the thing: You don't need me for that. You never did. It's already in you. I can see it. You might have a broken fucking heart, but you have one. You are not a monster, Butcher. It just hurts to be human. :'''Butcher''': I'm sorry, mate. Superheroes... are done. :'''Hughie''': ''[pulls out gun]'' I can't let you do it. :'''Butcher''': Petit Hughie and his gun. Takes some big bollocks to pull the trigger on a mate. :'''Hughie''': ''[aims the gun at Butcher]'' I will if I have to. :'''Butcher''': ''[chuckles]'' Nah. You ain't got the… :''[Butcher takes the gun from Hughie, punches him and throws him across the room]'' :'''Butcher''': Stay down. :''[Butcher sees Hughie staring at the remote and rushes to take it before Hughie does. Hughie quickly gets up and trades more blows with Butcher, spitting blood onto the floor after getting punched hard in the gut. Eventually, Butcher gains the upper hand and picks up the remote while Hughie lies helpless on the floor. Before he can pull the remote trigger, he has a hallucination of Lenny lying in Hughie's place. He gets shot in the abdomen by Hughie as he moves his finger away from the trigger. Realizing what he did, Hughie rushes to Butcher's side.]'' :'''Hughie''': I'm sorry. Um... I didn't wanna–I didn't wanna do that. Um... I'm–I'm gonna call an ambulance, okay? :'''Butcher''': I wouldn't bother. It's all right, Hughie. I gave you no choice. I... I wasn't gonna stop. All the blood... and shite I put you through... and none of it made a blind bit of difference. You–You stayed yourself... no matter what I done. ''[coughs]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey. :'''Butcher''': …I don't know what to do. :'''Hughie''': You don't need to do anything. :'''Butcher''': ''[beat; Hughie holds his hand]'' You really are... the spittin' of Lenny. :''[Butcher slowly loses his grip on Hughie as he dies]'' <hr width='50%'> :''[Some months after Butcher's death, Hughie gets a call from the newly-reinstated President Singer]'' :'''Hughie''': Hello? :'''Singer''': Hugh Campbell? It’s Bob Singer. :'''Hughie''': Mr. President. Uh, hi. :'''Singer''': Campbell, the nation owes you and your team a huge debt. But I’m gonna skip all the dick-tickling, alright? :'''Hughie''': Uh, I certainly wouldn’t want the President to tickle my dick, sir. :'''Singer''': Vought is a clusterfuck right now. All those V’d-up nutjobs they cooked up are running loose, doing God knows what. So we’re putting the Bureau of Supe Affairs back on its feet. We need someone to run it. ''[pause]'' So, what do you say, son? You’d be reporting directly to me. :'''Hughie''': That’s… Wow, that’s, uh… That’s an honor, sir. It’s just, um… No, thank you? :'''Singer''': “No, thank you”? :'''Hughie''': I–I really appreciate the offer. It’s just, I actually have my own… start-up venture I’m working on. :'''Singer''': Fucking private sector. Offer stands if you change your mind. :''[Hughie hangs up, enters the new hardware store he owns with Annie and sets some groceries on the counter in front of her]'' :'''Hughie''': I got you ginger beer, ginger candies… :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm. :'''Hughie''': And… :'''Annie''': Oh. :'''Hughie''': Saltines. :'''Annie''': Saltines. :''[Annie is revealed to be pregant with her and Hughie's child as she grabs the saltines]'' :'''Annie''': Give me the saltines. :'''Hughie''': So, what'd I miss? :'''Annie''': Mmm... I puked. Um, and then I had to pee, but I got there a little bit too late. And then, I puked again. And then, my mom called. :'''Hughie''': And I assume that was the worst part? :'''Annie''': Mm-hmm. She spent 30 minutes straight just bitching about us not getting married. :'''Hughie''': Look, we can go down to the courthouse right now if that's what you really want. :'''Annie''': No. No, I can't because these are the only shoes that fit me. :''[She walks out from behind the counter, showing that she's wearing Crocs]'' :'''Hughie''': Hey, I would 100% marry you in those. <hr width='50%'> :'''Hughie''': ''[last lines; to his and Annie's unborn daughter]'' Take care of your mom, Robin. :''[Hughie and Annie kiss one last time before Annie flies away to her next mission. Hughie looks up at her from the ground, finally at peace.]'' ==External links== {{Wikipedia|The Boys season 5}} {{The Boys}} [[Category:The Boys (TV series) seasons]] 4pndx2fkmtqdjjwv00p1qoj5ggenvxl 0 306886 3954312 3935854 2026-06-18T22:04:30Z Gilldragon 2514030 /* External links */ 3954312 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Paul Yemboaro Ouédraogo|Paul Yemboaro Ouédraogo]]''' (3 May 1948) is a Burkinabe prelate of the Catholic Church who served as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Fada N'Gourma|Diocese of Fada N'Gourma]] and as the archbishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Bobo-Dioulasso|Archdiocese of Bobo-Dioulasso]]. == Quotes == *We have a number of technocrats who have worked for this Country as technocrats, and not as militants. We do not build Burkina against them. We will do it together. Each person must make the necessary forms of conversion to offer the image of a reconciled nation that is built in peace and justice. ** [https://fides.org/en/news/36745-AFRICA_BURKINA_FASO_Mgr_Ouedraogo_confident_about_the_return_of_power_to_civilians_on_behalf_of_the_military Mgr. Ouedraogo confident about the return of power to civilians on behalf of the military (12 November 2014) ''Fides News Agency''] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Ouédraogo, Paul Yemboaro}} [[Category:1948 births]] [[Category:Catholics from Burkina Faso]] [[Category:Roman Catholic archbishops]] [[Category:Living people]] nahtjytcoeebyobwg458a5j4d4jxh39 3 307305 3954269 3940970 2026-06-18T20:41:32Z ~2026-35618-87 3343446 /* Friday the 13th Part III */ new section 3954269 wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you put the teen horror film related categories into the right spots of the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:41, 18 June 2026 (UTC) jao3h1v81l67t3yqfycvo9kqwgw1v6r 3954271 3954269 2026-06-18T20:43:20Z Koavf 6765 /* Friday the 13th Part III */ Reply 3954271 wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you put the teen horror film related categories into the right spots of the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:41, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :I cannot. I am not a member of that community at the moment. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:43, 18 June 2026 (UTC) kgo1o18ixu13subszue1w742bcagfyl 3954275 3954271 2026-06-18T20:47:51Z ~2026-35618-87 3343446 /* Friday the 13th Part III */ Reply 3954275 wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you put the teen horror film related categories into the right spots of the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:41, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :I cannot. I am not a member of that community at the moment. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:43, 18 June 2026 (UTC) ::It's just Wikipedia [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:47, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 1wvjnz4w908mg47aecrg254lhhuowv7 3954279 3954275 2026-06-18T20:49:30Z ~2026-35618-87 3343446 /* Friday the 13th Part III */ Reply 3954279 wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you put the teen horror film related categories into the right spots of the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:41, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :I cannot. I am not a member of that community at the moment. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:43, 18 June 2026 (UTC) ::It's just Wikipedia [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:47, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :::You were blocked there too weren't you? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:49, 18 June 2026 (UTC) pnvno21pk1oayh5oj2a98lcxywzwg7f 3954282 3954279 2026-06-18T20:53:21Z ~2026-35618-87 3343446 /* Friday the 13th Part III */ Reply 3954282 wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you put the teen horror film related categories into the right spots of the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:41, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :I cannot. I am not a member of that community at the moment. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:43, 18 June 2026 (UTC) ::It's just Wikipedia [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:47, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :::You were blocked there too weren't you? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:49, 18 June 2026 (UTC) ::::I'm sorry. [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:53, 18 June 2026 (UTC) 6k51s6i7z929kcdkjrksj3k88g4x0sj 3954316 3954282 2026-06-18T22:22:07Z MathXplore 3050778 Reverted edits by [[Special:Contributions/~2026-35618-87|~2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:~2026-35618-87|talk]]) to last version by Koavf 3954271 wikitext text/x-wiki {{User talk:Koavf/Template:Archive}} <!-- Please leave comments below this line. --> == Friday the 13th Part III == Can you put the teen horror film related categories into the right spots of the Friday the 13th Part III article on the English Wikipedia? [[Special:Contributions/&#126;2026-35618-87|&#126;2026-35618-87]] ([[User talk:&#126;2026-35618-87|talk]]) 20:41, 18 June 2026 (UTC) :I cannot. I am not a member of that community at the moment. ―[[User:Koavf|Justin (<span style="color:grey">ko'''a'''<span style="color:black">v</span>f</span>)]]<span style="color:red">❤[[User talk:Koavf|T]]☮[[Special:Contributions/Koavf|C]]☺[[Special:Emailuser/Koavf|M]]☯</span> 20:43, 18 June 2026 (UTC) kgo1o18ixu13subszue1w742bcagfyl 0 307834 3954234 3947169 2026-06-18T17:49:22Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* Betrayal */ 3954234 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w:Spider-Noir|Spider-Noir]]''''' is an American [[w:Superhero fiction|superhero]] [[w:Noir fiction|noir]] series developed by [[w:Oren Uziel|Oren Uziel]] for [[w:MGM+|MGM+]] and [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Prime Video]]. Based on [[Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:Spider-Man Noir|Spider-Man Noir]], the series follows an aging private investigator and superhero (portrayed by [[Nicolas Cage]]) in 1930s New York City who grapples with his past. ==Episodes== ===''Step Into My Office''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': ''(narrating)'' Someone once asked me what universe this was. A strange question that stuck with me all these years later. All I could say for sure was it was the only one I knew of. And that was as true then as it is now. Am I an extraordinary man? Yes. Am I an ordinary man? Yes. I'm both. I'm neither. But aren't we all? New York. I grew up in this city. I learned to fight in this city. And I fell in love in this city. A mistake I'll never make again. I used to be The Spider, this city's hero. Always on guard, always ready to swoop in and save the day. That ended when Ruby died. We were going to be married in the spring. I even bought a ring to make it official. A ring I never had the chance to give her. Ruby once told me that with great power comes great responsibility. Well, she was the greatest responsibility I ever had. And I failed her. The Spider failed her. After that, I didn't want the power or the responsibility. So I went back to being just an ordinary man. That was five years ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie''': You know, I've been practicing my pocket tricks. :'''Ben Reilly''': Oh, yeah? How's that going? :'''Frankie''': You tell me. ''[takes a photo from Ben's pocket; wolf whistles]'' Dames, huh? :'''Ben Reilly''': What would you know? :'''Frankie''': Lots. I'm wise behind these ears. :'''Ben Reilly''': Smarts like that, maybe thinking about going to school. :'''Frankie''': Who needs it? A plus B equals C. :'''Ben Reilly''': You don't do math with letters, kid. ===''Tread Lightly''=== :'''Robbie Roberston''': So, that's it? :'''Vera Addison''': What do you mean? :'''Robbie Robertson''': No tears? I just told you your husband died. :'''Vera Addison''': People grieve in different ways. :'''Robbie Robertson''': You already knew. :'''Vera Addison''': James was a lot of things, but not the type to cut and run. ===''Double Cross''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Crafty bastard marks all of his bills. ===''A Mistake I'll Never Make Again''=== :'''Cat Hardy''': ''(to Ben)'' Nice to meet you, Mr. Spider. ===''Betrayal''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, are you going to share it? :'''Robbie Robertson''': Are you gonna be a dick about it? :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, yes, actually, a private dick , to be exact. ===''Nightmare on a Gurney''=== ===''Nobody's Hero''=== ===''The Man in the Mask''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Television shows]] [[Category:Amazon Prime Video shows]] [[Category:Spider-Man TV shows]] 32p7ltr948l122rfc17r1phwjta31pm 3954235 3954234 2026-06-18T17:51:22Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* Nightmare on a Gurney */ 3954235 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w:Spider-Noir|Spider-Noir]]''''' is an American [[w:Superhero fiction|superhero]] [[w:Noir fiction|noir]] series developed by [[w:Oren Uziel|Oren Uziel]] for [[w:MGM+|MGM+]] and [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Prime Video]]. Based on [[Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:Spider-Man Noir|Spider-Man Noir]], the series follows an aging private investigator and superhero (portrayed by [[Nicolas Cage]]) in 1930s New York City who grapples with his past. ==Episodes== ===''Step Into My Office''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': ''(narrating)'' Someone once asked me what universe this was. A strange question that stuck with me all these years later. All I could say for sure was it was the only one I knew of. And that was as true then as it is now. Am I an extraordinary man? Yes. Am I an ordinary man? Yes. I'm both. I'm neither. But aren't we all? New York. I grew up in this city. I learned to fight in this city. And I fell in love in this city. A mistake I'll never make again. I used to be The Spider, this city's hero. Always on guard, always ready to swoop in and save the day. That ended when Ruby died. We were going to be married in the spring. I even bought a ring to make it official. A ring I never had the chance to give her. Ruby once told me that with great power comes great responsibility. Well, she was the greatest responsibility I ever had. And I failed her. The Spider failed her. After that, I didn't want the power or the responsibility. So I went back to being just an ordinary man. That was five years ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie''': You know, I've been practicing my pocket tricks. :'''Ben Reilly''': Oh, yeah? How's that going? :'''Frankie''': You tell me. ''[takes a photo from Ben's pocket; wolf whistles]'' Dames, huh? :'''Ben Reilly''': What would you know? :'''Frankie''': Lots. I'm wise behind these ears. :'''Ben Reilly''': Smarts like that, maybe thinking about going to school. :'''Frankie''': Who needs it? A plus B equals C. :'''Ben Reilly''': You don't do math with letters, kid. ===''Tread Lightly''=== :'''Robbie Roberston''': So, that's it? :'''Vera Addison''': What do you mean? :'''Robbie Robertson''': No tears? I just told you your husband died. :'''Vera Addison''': People grieve in different ways. :'''Robbie Robertson''': You already knew. :'''Vera Addison''': James was a lot of things, but not the type to cut and run. ===''Double Cross''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Crafty bastard marks all of his bills. ===''A Mistake I'll Never Make Again''=== :'''Cat Hardy''': ''(to Ben)'' Nice to meet you, Mr. Spider. ===''Betrayal''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, are you going to share it? :'''Robbie Robertson''': Are you gonna be a dick about it? :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, yes, actually, a private dick , to be exact. ===''Nightmare on a Gurney''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Spider was never a hero. I only did it for the thrill.. :'''Ogden''': Well... maybe you weren't then. But there is still time for you to become one. ===''Nobody's Hero''=== ===''The Man in the Mask''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Television shows]] [[Category:Amazon Prime Video shows]] [[Category:Spider-Man TV shows]] 2fo5jqtoqa4v8ijsxaukas1iwuzkv6e 3954237 3954235 2026-06-18T17:53:12Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* Nobody's Hero */ 3954237 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w:Spider-Noir|Spider-Noir]]''''' is an American [[w:Superhero fiction|superhero]] [[w:Noir fiction|noir]] series developed by [[w:Oren Uziel|Oren Uziel]] for [[w:MGM+|MGM+]] and [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Prime Video]]. Based on [[Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:Spider-Man Noir|Spider-Man Noir]], the series follows an aging private investigator and superhero (portrayed by [[Nicolas Cage]]) in 1930s New York City who grapples with his past. ==Episodes== ===''Step Into My Office''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': ''(narrating)'' Someone once asked me what universe this was. A strange question that stuck with me all these years later. All I could say for sure was it was the only one I knew of. And that was as true then as it is now. Am I an extraordinary man? Yes. Am I an ordinary man? Yes. I'm both. I'm neither. But aren't we all? New York. I grew up in this city. I learned to fight in this city. And I fell in love in this city. A mistake I'll never make again. I used to be The Spider, this city's hero. Always on guard, always ready to swoop in and save the day. That ended when Ruby died. We were going to be married in the spring. I even bought a ring to make it official. A ring I never had the chance to give her. Ruby once told me that with great power comes great responsibility. Well, she was the greatest responsibility I ever had. And I failed her. The Spider failed her. After that, I didn't want the power or the responsibility. So I went back to being just an ordinary man. That was five years ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie''': You know, I've been practicing my pocket tricks. :'''Ben Reilly''': Oh, yeah? How's that going? :'''Frankie''': You tell me. ''[takes a photo from Ben's pocket; wolf whistles]'' Dames, huh? :'''Ben Reilly''': What would you know? :'''Frankie''': Lots. I'm wise behind these ears. :'''Ben Reilly''': Smarts like that, maybe thinking about going to school. :'''Frankie''': Who needs it? A plus B equals C. :'''Ben Reilly''': You don't do math with letters, kid. ===''Tread Lightly''=== :'''Robbie Roberston''': So, that's it? :'''Vera Addison''': What do you mean? :'''Robbie Robertson''': No tears? I just told you your husband died. :'''Vera Addison''': People grieve in different ways. :'''Robbie Robertson''': You already knew. :'''Vera Addison''': James was a lot of things, but not the type to cut and run. ===''Double Cross''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Crafty bastard marks all of his bills. ===''A Mistake I'll Never Make Again''=== :'''Cat Hardy''': ''(to Ben)'' Nice to meet you, Mr. Spider. ===''Betrayal''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, are you going to share it? :'''Robbie Robertson''': Are you gonna be a dick about it? :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, yes, actually, a private dick , to be exact. ===''Nightmare on a Gurney''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Spider was never a hero. I only did it for the thrill.. :'''Ogden''': Well... maybe you weren't then. But there is still time for you to become one. ===''Nobody's Hero''=== :'''The Spider''': This doesn't have to be a fight. :'''Lonnie Lincoln''': Well, it's gonna be. :'''The Spider''': Okay, not the response I was looking for. ===''The Man in the Mask''=== ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Television shows]] [[Category:Amazon Prime Video shows]] [[Category:Spider-Man TV shows]] gqk1foymckelbc1122o49gsgbzx3bi8 3954239 3954237 2026-06-18T17:59:58Z Iago PUC 2458636 /* The Man in the Mask */ 3954239 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Italic title}} '''''[[w:Spider-Noir|Spider-Noir]]''''' is an American [[w:Superhero fiction|superhero]] [[w:Noir fiction|noir]] series developed by [[w:Oren Uziel|Oren Uziel]] for [[w:MGM+|MGM+]] and [[w:Amazon Prime Video|Prime Video]]. Based on [[Marvel Comics]] featuring the character [[w:Spider-Man Noir|Spider-Man Noir]], the series follows an aging private investigator and superhero (portrayed by [[Nicolas Cage]]) in 1930s New York City who grapples with his past. ==Episodes== ===''Step Into My Office''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': ''(narrating)'' Someone once asked me what universe this was. A strange question that stuck with me all these years later. All I could say for sure was it was the only one I knew of. And that was as true then as it is now. Am I an extraordinary man? Yes. Am I an ordinary man? Yes. I'm both. I'm neither. But aren't we all? New York. I grew up in this city. I learned to fight in this city. And I fell in love in this city. A mistake I'll never make again. I used to be The Spider, this city's hero. Always on guard, always ready to swoop in and save the day. That ended when Ruby died. We were going to be married in the spring. I even bought a ring to make it official. A ring I never had the chance to give her. Ruby once told me that with great power comes great responsibility. Well, she was the greatest responsibility I ever had. And I failed her. The Spider failed her. After that, I didn't want the power or the responsibility. So I went back to being just an ordinary man. That was five years ago. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Frankie''': You know, I've been practicing my pocket tricks. :'''Ben Reilly''': Oh, yeah? How's that going? :'''Frankie''': You tell me. ''[takes a photo from Ben's pocket; wolf whistles]'' Dames, huh? :'''Ben Reilly''': What would you know? :'''Frankie''': Lots. I'm wise behind these ears. :'''Ben Reilly''': Smarts like that, maybe thinking about going to school. :'''Frankie''': Who needs it? A plus B equals C. :'''Ben Reilly''': You don't do math with letters, kid. ===''Tread Lightly''=== :'''Robbie Roberston''': So, that's it? :'''Vera Addison''': What do you mean? :'''Robbie Robertson''': No tears? I just told you your husband died. :'''Vera Addison''': People grieve in different ways. :'''Robbie Robertson''': You already knew. :'''Vera Addison''': James was a lot of things, but not the type to cut and run. ===''Double Cross''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Crafty bastard marks all of his bills. ===''A Mistake I'll Never Make Again''=== :'''Cat Hardy''': ''(to Ben)'' Nice to meet you, Mr. Spider. ===''Betrayal''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, are you going to share it? :'''Robbie Robertson''': Are you gonna be a dick about it? :'''Ben Reilly''': Uh, yes, actually, a private dick , to be exact. ===''Nightmare on a Gurney''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': Spider was never a hero. I only did it for the thrill.. :'''Ogden''': Well... maybe you weren't then. But there is still time for you to become one. ===''Nobody's Hero''=== :'''The Spider''': This doesn't have to be a fight. :'''Lonnie Lincoln''': Well, it's gonna be. :'''The Spider''': Okay, not the response I was looking for. ===''The Man in the Mask''=== :'''Ben Reilly''': I'm not in the mood to talk to The Spider. The truth is, he's kind of hard to talk to, especially on the phone. Hey, buddy, can you remove the mask so a guy can actually hear? :'''Silvermane''': Is this some kind of joke? A piece of humor I'm not grasping? :'''Ben Reilly''': No, I mean it. I genuinely can't understand half of what comes out of his mouth. Well, you've seen him. He wears a stupid sock on his head. ==External links== {{Wikipedia}} [[Category:Television shows]] [[Category:Amazon Prime Video shows]] [[Category:Spider-Man TV shows]] gotp0ozhrkawygeib5d3u5g4l4wqihv 0 308090 3954276 3951487 2026-06-18T20:47:54Z ~2026-33903-94 3338739 /* Cast */ 3954276 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins|Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins]]''''' is a [[w:2009 in film|2009 film]] directed by [[w:Brian Levant|Brian Levant]], starring Nick Palatas, Robbie Amell, Hayley Kiyoko, Kate Melton and [[Frank Welker]] as the voice of Scooby-Doo. {{center|'''The Greatest Mystery Is How It All Began.'''<small>([[#Taglines|taglines]])</small>}} == Mystery Inc. == === {{w|Scooby-Doo (character)|Scoobert "Scooby" Doo}} === * Scooby-Dooby-Doo! * Not roasts Ghosts! === {{w|Norville "Shaggy" Rogers}} === * Like that's what Scooby was saying "Not roasts Ghosts!" * Zoinks! Sorry! === {{w|Fred Jones}} === * So, the Bears really slaughtered those Dolphins last night, huh? === {{w|Daphne Blake}} === * Mines Blake. === {{w|Velma Dinkley}} === * My surname It's Dinkley. == Principal Deedle == * It would’ve been all mine, if it weren’t for you meddling kids and your dog! == Dialogue == :'''Fred''': So, the Bears really slaughtered those Dolphins last night, huh? :'''Shaggy''': What? That's terrible! Who in their right mind would bring bears to the beach? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Velma, Fred, Shaggy and Daphne''': Principal Deedle?! == Taglines == * The Greatest Mystery Is How It All Began. * From the director of ''[[Beethoven (film)|Beethoven]]'' and ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'', learn the Who, What, Where, When and HOWL of Mystery Inc. == Cast == * [[w:Kate Melton|Kate Melton]] as [[Daphne Blake]] * [[w:Hayley Kiyoko|Hayley Kiyoko]] as [[Velma Dinkley]] * [[w:Robbie Amell|Robbie Amell]] as [[w:Fred Jones (Scooby-Doo)|Fred Jones]] * [[w:Nick Palatas|Nick Palatas]] as [[Shaggy Rogers]] * [[Frank Welker]] as the voice of [[Scooby-Doo (character)|Scooby-Doo]] * Shawn Macdonald as Principal Deedle/Dark Specter * [[Garry Chalk]] as Vice Principal Grimes * Leah James as Prudence Prufrock * Brian Sutton as Ezekiel Gallows * [[C. Ernst Harth]] as Otis the Janitor * [[w:Lorena Gale|Lorena Gale]] as Librarian (final film role) == See Also == * ''[[Beethoven (film)|Beethoven]]'', a 1992 film also directed by Brian Levant * ''[[The Flintstones (film)|The Flintstones]]'', a 1994 film also directed by Brian Levant * ''[[The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas]]'', a 2000 prequel film also directed by Brian Levant * ''[[Scooby-Doo (film)|Scooby-Doo]]'', a 2002 film also directed by Raja Gosnell * ''[[Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed]]'', the 2004 sequel film also directed by Raja Gosnell * ''[[Scooby-Doo! Curse of the Lake Monster]]'', a 2010 sequel film also directed by Brian Levant * ''[[Scoob!]]'', 2020 animated reboot film directed by Tony Cervone ==External links== {{wikipedia}} *{{imdb title|id=1258157|title=Scooby-Doo! The Mystery Begins}} {{Scooby-Doo}} [[Category:2009 films]] [[Category:2000s American films]] [[Category:Scooby-Doo films]] [[Category:Warner Bros. direct-to-video films]] [[Category:Live-action films based on animated series]] [[Category:American films with live action and animation]] pvct3jclw1suyytv6zn5wi76ghibhyz 0 308136 3954353 3954043 2026-06-19T05:14:04Z WQ-FA-2026 3343520 /* F */ Expanded Jason Fung quotes from 'The Obesity Code' (2016) 3954353 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 156 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * '''Just don't snack'''<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * '''The last piece of the puzzle'''<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] 12k9p3tieberjylqxkm3f7ez6w5tblu 3954354 3954353 2026-06-19T05:37:23Z WQ-FA-2026 3343520 /* F */ unbolded 2 book section headings to avoid confusion on Wikiquote page. 3954354 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 156 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] lsdw51ydz1766fmqt0hes7e2ghozj2p 3954376 3954354 2026-06-19T10:40:59Z ~2026-35729-08 3343591 /* S */ Added two more quotes from 'Chew on This' 3954376 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:USA_Obesity_2024.svg|thumb|right|]] A '''[[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]]''' (or eating addiction) is any behavioural addiction characterized primarily by the compulsive consumption of palatable and hyperpalatable food items, and potentially also sugar-sweetened beverages. Such foods often have high sugar, fat, and salt contents, and markedly activate the reward system in humans and other animals. Those with eating addictions often overconsume such foods despite the adverse consequences (such as excess weight gain, diabetes, and heart disease) associated with their overconsumption. == Quotes == __NOTOC__ {{TOCalpha}} ==A== * Heavy consumption of highly processed foods can alter dopamine and opioid neurotransmission, creating a cycle of bingeing and withdrawal. ** Nicole M. Avena, Pedro Rada, and Bartley G. Hoebel. ''Evidence for sugar addiction: Behavioral and neurochemical effects of intermittent, excessive sugar intake.'' Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews (2008) [[File:Walmart_Wenatchee.jpg|thumb|right|We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates.]] * The modern food environment acts as a constant cue, activating the reward center of the brain before the food even touches your tongue. ** Nicole M. Avena and John Talbott, ''Why Diets Fail: Because You're Addicted to Sugar'' (2014) ISBN 978-1451699708 * Our research shows that sugar can stimulate the brain's reward system in a manner similar to drugs of abuse, leading to chemical changes that mirror addiction. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''What to Eat When You're Pregnant'' (2015) ISBN 978-1607746737 * Food addiction is not a metaphor; it is a clinical reality driven by biological changes in the brain's survival circuitry. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless: A 7-Step Plan to Uncover Hidden Sugars, Curb Your Cravings, and Conquer Your Addiction'' (2023) ISBN 978-1401972172 * We are not addicted to all foods. The addiction is specifically aimed at [[w:Ultra-processed_food|highly processed foods]] that contain unnatural concentrations of sugar and refined carbohydrates. ** Nicole M. Avena, ''Sugarless'' (2023) ==B== [[File:William_Banting.jpg|thumb|right|''My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, [...] that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority.''<br>~ William Banting (1796-1878)]] <small>William Banting</small> * The great charm and comfort of the system is, that its effects are palpable within a week of trial, which creates a natural stimulus to persevere for a few weeks more, when the fact becomes established beyond question. ** [[w:William_Banting|William Banting]] (1796-1878), [https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence ''Letter on Corpulence, Addressed to the Public'' (1864)], plus later Addenda.<br>An early historical example (1864) of '''successfully following a [[w:Low-carbohydrate_diet|low-carbohydrate diet]]''' by changing what he ate, after much earlier frustration clarifying the underlying (previously medically unrecognised) problem in his particular case; thereby reducing his weight from 202 pounds to 156 pounds. Then recommending this remedial course of action to other "sufferers of corpulence". * My impression is, that any starchy or [[w:Sugar|saccharine matter]] tends to the disease of corpulence in advanced life, and whether it be swallowed in that form or generated in the stomach, that all things tending to these elements should be avoided, of course always under sound medical authority. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Addenda First Addendum]'' to his (public) 1864 letter. * I shall always observe a careful watch upon myself to discover the effect, and act accordingly, so that, if I choose to spend a day or two with [[w:Rich_man_and_Lazarus|Dives]], so to speak, I must not forget to devote the next to Lazarus. ** William Banting. From the ''[https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Letter_on_Corpulence/Concluding_addenda Second Addendum]'' to his 1864 letter. ''[i.e., that partaking of a "fattening dietary [item] occasionally" needs ideally to be tempered by a subsequent bout of compensatorily restrictive eating.]'' * My impression from the experiments I have tried on myself of late is, that saccharine matter is the great moving cause of fatty corpulence. I know that it produces in my individual case increased weight and a large amount of flatulence, and believe, that not only sugar, but all elements tending to create saccharine matter in the process of digestion, should be avoided. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' * One material point I should be glad to impress on my corpulent readers—it is, to get accurately weighed at starting upon the fresh system, and continue to do so weekly or monthly, for the change will be so truly palpable by this course of examination, that it will arm them with perfect confidence in the merit and ultimate success of the plan. ** From the ''Second Addendum.'' <small>Benjamin Bikman</small> * If your [fasting] [[w:Insulin|insulin]] levels are on the low end (lower than around 6 microunits/milliliter or 41 picomoles/liter), it's a safe assumption that you're doing quite well and your insulin sensitivity is strong. You are either already adhering to smart lifestyle choices or you are young enough to get away with bad choices for now. If your insulin levels are moderately elevated (7-17 microunits/milliliter or 48 to 118 picomoles/liter), you should start making changes, particularly with the food you eat and how frequently you're eating. In the event your insulin is high (greater than 18 microunits/milliliter or 125 per picomoles/liter), you need to make changes today. ** Benjamin Bikman, ''Why We Get Sick: The Hidden Epidemic at the Root of Most Chronic Disease―and How to Fight It'' (2020) <small>Kelly D. Brownell</small> [[File:SAKURAKO_-_Are_you_Junk_Food_lover%3F_(6447206019).jpg|thumb|right|We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits.]] * We live in a culture that targets the poor and children as a market for high-calorie, low-nutrition junk food and manipulates children into poor eating habits with toy giveaways and in-school promotions.. ** [[w:Kelly_D._Brownell|Kelly D. Brownell]], ''Food Fight: The Inside Story of the Food Industry, America's Obesity Crisis, and What We Can Do About It'' (2004) ISBN 978-0071438728 * Certain constituents of food products, added sugar in particular, may hijack the brain and override human will, judgement and personal responsibility, and in so doing create a public health menace. ** Kelly D. Brownell and Mark Gold, ''Food Addiction: A Comprehensive Handbook''. (2012) ISBN 978-0199738168 * As a culture, we've become upset by the tobacco companies advertising to children, but we sit idly by while the food companies do the very same thing. And we could make a claim that the toll taken on the public health by a poor diet rivals that taken by tobacco. ** Kelly D. Brownell. Cited in ''The New York Times Magazine'', 2013. ''[https://www.psychologicalscience.org/news/the-extraordinary-science-of-addictive-junk-food.html "The Extraordinary Science of Addictive Junk Food."]'' * Portion sizes and the availability of highly processed, highly caloric food have grown dramatically... How far are you from a doughnut? ** Kelly D. Brownell. Center for Science in the Public Interest, [https://www.cspi.org/article/why-our-toxic-food-environment-matters interview, 2022]. ''"Why our toxic food environment matters."'' ==C== * Our real problem is our eating habits. What we need to change is our eating habits. The real problem is that we've been brainwashed into adopting stupid eating habits. ** [[w:Allen_Carr|Allen Carr]], ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' (1997) - at p.20, 21. * You aren't going on a diet. You are merely changing your eating habits. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.67. * Although avoiding starvation is the ultimate purpose of eating, isn't it true that each meal is prompted by a more immediate reason, such as 'I'm in the habit of eating three meals a day,' or 'I enjoy eating,' or 'Because I feel hungry, bored, nervous or miserable,' or 'Because I got the whiff of something that smelt good,' or, simply, 'The food was there and I couldn't resist it.'<br>We might eat for any one of these reasons or all of them. It's rather confusing, isn't it? And not surprising that we become overweight. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.72. * Mother Nature's only purpose in making us want to eat is that we survive. [...] The sole purpose of eating is to provide fuel and maintenance materials.<br>[But] aren't most of us in the habit of having a certain volume of food served up on our plates three times a day and then attempting to eat that volume regardless of the energy we propose to burn?<br>The point is: our bodies aren't designed to handle that surplus. [... ] Instead, we are obliged to store it in the form of unsightly bulges around our midriffs and elsewhere, and that's why we become overweight and obese.<br>We can now concentrate all of our attention on one aspect and one aspect alone: Our intake. [...] Provided the intake is correct the rest takes care of itself. [...] [So] tamper with... the type and quantity of food that you eat. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.73, 74, 75, 76 * [104] If you stick to the principle of eating when you are hungry and stopping when you have satisfied that hunger, you will not only enjoy every meal, but you will have no weight problems. However, I would emphasize that I said stop eating when you have satisfied your hunger, and not your gluttony. ** ''Easyweigh to Lose Weight'' - at p.104 * ''How to lose weight and keep it off''<br>+ The most important thing is to change your mentality and approach rather than simply changing what you eat.<br>+ Correcting the misconceptions that keep you trapped eating the wrong foods that cause you to not only gain weight but also feel tired, miserable and unfit is essential.<br>+ Get your head right and it’s easy to lose weight (and keep it off).<br>As long as you change your thinking and see the food that has made you overweight for what it is; poisonous, toxic, and addictive junk that’s made you ill, you’ll find it easy. ** Some points from the [https://www.allencarr.com/easyway-weight-loss/how-do-i-lose-weight-and-keep-it-off allencarr.com website] ==F== <small>'''Dr Jason Fung'''</small> * The basics of good nutrition can be summarized in these simple rules. Eat whole, unprocessed foods. Avoid sugar. Avoid refined grains. Eat a diet high in natural fats. Balance feeding with [[w:Fasting|fasting]]. ** [[w:Jason_Fung|Jason Fung]], ''The Complete Guide to Fasting: Heal Your Body Through Intermittent, Alternate-Day, and Extended Fasting'' (2016) [[File:Quote_on_Fasting_from_Rumi.jpg|thumb|right|<br>Balance feeding with fasting.<br><br>We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast.]] * We are wired for feast and famine, not feast, feast, feast. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * [In cases where] too much insulin causes obesity, then it becomes clear we need to lower insulin levels. ** ''The Complete Guide to Fasting'' * Obesity is a hormonal disorder of fat regulation. Insulin is the major hormone that drives weight gain, so the rational therapy is to ''lower insulin levels''. ** Jason Fung, ''The Obesity Code: Unlocking the Secrets of Weight Loss (2016)'' - Part 6, at Chapter 19, p.219. * Reduce your consumption of added sugars. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.219. * Just don't snack<br> The healthy snack is one of the greatest weight-loss deceptions. The myth that ‘grazing is healthy’ has attained legendary status. If we were meant to ‘graze’, we would be cows. Grazing is the direct opposite of virtually all food traditions. Even as recently as the 1960s, most people still ate just three meals per day. Constant stimulation of insulin eventually leads to insulin resistance.<br>[...] Stop eating all the time.<br>[...] Are snacks necessary? No.<br>[...] There's a simple answer to the question of what to eat at snack time. Nothing. Don't eat snacks. Period. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.222, 223. * Eat whole, unprocessed foods at all meals. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.225. * Reduce your consumption of refined grains. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19, at p.228. [[File:Quote_From_Plato_About_Fasting.jpg|thumb|right|<br>There is one more piece to the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago.<br><br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.]] * The last piece of the puzzle<br>All diets work in the short term. But we've been ignoring the long-term problem of insulin resistance. There is one more piece of the puzzle - a solution found many centuries ago. A practice that has been enshrined in the nutritional lore of virtually every population on earth. A tradition rapidly becoming extinct.<br>Two major factors maintain our insulin at a high level. The first is the foods that we eat - which are what we usually change when we go on a diet. But we fail to address the other factor: the long-term problem of insulin resistance. This problem is one of meal timing.<br>To succeed, we must break the insulin-resistance cycle. But how?<br>The answer we are looking for is, in a word, fasting.<br>When we talk about fasting to break insulin resistance and lose weight, we are talking about intermittent fasts of twenty-four to thirty-six hours.<br>The remainder of this chapter will be devoted to addressing the health concerns around fasting - which, the research shows us, is a beneficial practice. ** ''The Obesity Code'' - Ch.19 at p.233, 234. Ch.20 at p.235, 236. * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/@DrJasonFung <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung - YouTube Channel]'''</small><br> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqZsS03dlPk <u>On YouTube</u>: Dr. Jason Fung: Beginner's Guide to Intermittent Fasting] (2020) (10 mins)'''</small> * <small>'''[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZ8ihAntvbI <u>On YouTube</u>: "Dr. Jason Fung: The Best Fasting Method for Visceral Fat and Insulin Resistance has Been Discovered"] (2026) (2h 12 mins)'''</small> ==G== [[File:Junk_Food_Addiction_(286918378).jpg|thumb|right|"People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice. They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly."<br><br>"These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances."]] * Right now, we're kind of like, 'just eat these foods in moderation.' And for the people for whom consumption of these foods has become compulsive, it's like telling people with alcohol use disorder to just find a way to drink in moderation. ** Ashley Gearhardt, National Institutes of Health [https://newsinhealth.nih.gov/2024/02/dr-ashley-gearhardt-addiction-ultra-processed-foods (NIH) interview, 2024]. ''"Dr. Ashley Gearhardt on Addiction and Ultra-Processed Foods."'' * “People aren’t becoming addicted to apples or brown rice,” said lead author University of Michigan professor of psychology Ashley Gearhardt, Ph.D. “They’re struggling with industrial products specifically engineered to hit the brain like a drug—rapidly, intensely, and repeatedly.” ** Quoted on the [https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/addiction-outlook/202403/addicted-to-food ''Psychology Today''] website. * These foods are so wildly different than those foods [real fruits, vegetables, legumes] that some people have suggested that food is the wrong term for it, and we should instead call them chemical substances. ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * The younger you are when you're exposed to an addictive substance, the more likely you are to have problems... Kids are being exposed to this and aggressively marketed to... it's setting them up where this is one of the major sources of reward, sources of ways to cope. ** ** Ashley Gearhardt, [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association (APA) podcast, 2022]. ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food?"'' * What has happened in modern times is that previously healthy [[w:whole foods|whole foods]] have been largely replaced by [[w:Ultra-processed_food|ultra-processed foods]], which are high in pure sugar, high-fructose corn syrup, salt, and the wrong types of fats.<br>The reasons that our bodies crave these foods is because they are loaded with ingredients that tap into the pleasure centers in our brain, the so-called dopamine reward pathway, which is the same pathway that street drugs like cocaine tap into. ** [https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2024/09/why-do-we-crave-junk-food-diet-psychology The Harvard Gazette.] ''"Why we crave junk food—and how to cultivate healthier eating habits."'' * ''Mills'': "What's the difference between being addicted to food and just liking to indulge in treats more than you should? How can you tell if someone meets the threshold for addiction?"<br>''Gearhardt'': "...I took our diagnostic criteria that we have in the [[w:Diagnostic_and_Statistical_Manual_of_Mental_Disorders|DSM]] to try and dissociate between social drinkers and somebody who's actually addicted to alcohol. And I've applied that to the intake of these really highly processed foods with unnatural levels of refined carbohydrates and fats. And so, the hallmarks of addiction that I'm looking for are a loss of control over intake.<br>[...] Having more of a sense of your cues and your reactions can start to give you some of your power back.<br>[...] Right now, we're at where I see we've been with a lot of addictions in the past, which is that it's just a focus on willpower: 'You just have to try a little harder, calories in calories out.' And what it's ignoring is that there's a trillion dollar industry that is using its research and development budget to specifically design these highly processed foods to trigger unnaturally intense levels of reward in your brain in a way that makes it hard to manage. And that if this is triggering this addictive compulsive pull, it's not just an adult choice, but really the result of a toxic environment really pushing a risky food substance that we're not well informed about. And so, that seems to actually be somewhat helpful in reducing stigma and reducing the belief that people just aren't trying hard enough and it's just a matter of willpower.<br>[...] It's clearly not all foods. It's clearly this subset of highly processed foods that are unnatural, highly refined, highly rewarding products. And that's what people get hooked on. [...] People are really struggling to get a handle on their relationship with these foods, even in the face of really stark consequences." ** [https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/food-addiction American Psychological Association.] ''"Speaking of Psychology: Can you be addicted to food? With Ashley Gearhardt, PhD."'' * "And some of the behaviors that we see that people report is that they really struggle to maintain their control once they start eating some of these foods. [...] There's a tendency that even if you have some pretty significant negative consequences, health consequences, emotional consequences-you keep returning to that same dietary pattern. [...] Because the foods themselves seem to have kind of taken an oversized view in their world. They really start kind [of] driving their eating behavior and sometimes driving their entire life.<br>[...] From a public health perspective, the biggest concern is if these foods have enough of an addictive pull, they trigger enough of a response that you really struggle to eat in moderation. That says, on a broad scale, people are struggling with their relationship with these foods in a way that increases health-related problems." ** [https://wfpc.sanford.duke.edu/podcasts/ashley-gearhardt-food-addiction Duke University, ''World Food Policy Center''] ''"Ashley Gearhardt on Food Addiction and You… Yes, You."'' * We just blame it on the individual for a while and say 'oh, you know, just smoke in moderation, drink in moderation' – and eventually we get to a point where we understand the levers that the industry can pull to create products that can really hook people. ** Ashley Gearhardt, University of Michigan [https://lsa.umich.edu/psych/news-events/all-news/faculty-news/ultra-processed-foods-should-be-treated-more-like-cigarettes-tha.html clinical commentary, 2026]. ''"Ultra-processed foods should be treated more like cigarettes than food."'' * Information alone isn't always an effective way to change behavior. ** Stephan J. Guyenet, ''[[w:The_Hungry_Brain|The Hungry Brain: Outsmarting the Instincts That Make Us Overeat]]'' (2017) ISBN 1-250-08119-X ==H== * Food is not just calories, it is information; it talks to your DNA and tells it what to do. And junk food speaks a language of disease, inflammation, and addiction. ** [[w:Mark_Hyman_(doctor)|Mark Hyman]], ''The Blood Sugar Solution: The UltraHealthy Program for Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Feeling Great Now'' (2012) ISBN 978-0-316-12737-0 [[File:Varsity_ordering_lines.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked.]] * Sugar is eight times more addictive than cocaine. It hijacks your brain chemistry and your taste buds, driving you to eat more and more, even when you know it's killing you. ** Mark Hyman, ''The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast'' (2014) ISBN 978-0-316-23002-5 * The food industry has intentionally created 'hyper-palatable' foods—scientific combinations of fat, sugar, and salt designed to bypass your body's natural fullness cues and keep you hooked. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food: What the Heck Should I Eat? The No-nonsense Guide to Achieving Optimal Weight and Lifelong Health.'' (2018) ISBN 978-0-316-33886-8 * Willpower is a myth. You cannot use willpower to override a biological addiction. If your hormones and brain chemistry are hijacked by sugar, biology will win every single time. ** Mark Hyman, ''Food Fix: How to Save Our Health, Our Economy, Our Communities, and Our Planet—One Bite at a Time'' (2020) ISBN 978-0-316-45317-2 ==K== * Modern foods... are designed not to satisfy, but rather to stimulate the reward pathways in the brain, conditioning us to crave more food. ** [[w:David_A._Kessler|David Kessler]], ''The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite'' (2009) ISBN 1-60529-785-2 * The more rewarding the food, the greater the attention we direct toward it, and the more vigorously we pursue it. ** ''The End of Overeating'' * Because this kind of food disappears down our throats so quickly after the first bite, it readily overrides the body's signals that should tell us 'I'm full.' ** ''The End of Overeating'' [[File:Whole_Foods_Market_Massapequa_NY.jpg|thumb|right|Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated.]] * America has become a food fun house... a carnival of delicious, fatty, salty, sugary, and, more to the point, accessible and cheap delights. How could you expect to go to the carnival and not want to go on the rides? ** ''The End of Overeating'' * We live in a world of foods designed to be addictive, driving biological instincts that provoke overeating and the food noise of daily existence. ** ** David Kessler, ''Diet, Drugs, and Dopamine: The New Science of Achieving a Healthy Weight'' (2025) ISBN 1250381274 * "Once you understand you are being stimulated, then you can begin to fight back to prevent being manipulated." ** David Kessler. [https://www.npr.org/2009/05/06/103862714/why-do-we-overeat-author-blames-fat-sugar-salt National Public Radio (NPR) interview, 2009. ''"Why do we overeat? Author blames fat, sugar, salt."''] ==L== * Food is beyond a necessity; it's also a commodity, and it has been reformulated to be an addictive substance. ** [[w:Robert_Lustig|Robert Lustig]], ''Fat Chance: Beating the Odds against Sugar, Processed Food, Obesity, and Disease.'' New York: Hudson Street Press. (2012) * If we don't understand what's actually happening to our brains, we become prey to industries that capitalize on our addictions in the name of selling happiness. ** Robert Lustig, ''The Hacking of the American Mind''. Avery (2017) - ISBN 978-1-101-98258-7 * Overeating doesn't make us fat. The process of becoming fat makes us overeat. ** [[w:David_Ludwig_(physician)|David Ludwig]], ''Always Hungry?: Conquer Cravings, Retrain Your Fat Cells, and Lose Weight Permanently''. (2016) * Hunger isn't a passing feeling. It's a primal biological signal that the body needs fuel. Very hard to ignore over the long term. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * In the battle between mind and metabolism, you are destined to lose the battle with your body. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * ''[On the illusion of the "calorie"]'' Forget calories. Focus on quality. Let your body do the rest. ** ''Always Hungry?'' * For breakfast, you could have a bowl of cornflakes with no added sugar, or a bowl of sugar with no added cornflakes. They would taste different but, below the neck, act more or less the same. ** ''Always Hungry?'' ==M== [[File:Junk_Food.JPG|thumb|right|The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.']] * The food industry has perfected the science of the [[w:Bliss_point_(food)|bliss point]] — the precise amount of sweetness or saltiness that sends the brain into overdrive without triggering a signal that says, 'I've had enough.' ** [[w:Michael_Moss|Michael Moss]], ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us''. Random House (2013) ISBN 978-0812982190, ISBN 0812982193 * They are not just making food; they are designing products with a 'fast-fading flavor' that leaves the brain tricked into wanting more, making moderation nearly impossible. ** ''Salt Sugar Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us'' * Our brains are hardwired to remember where we found calorie-dense foods, and the modern grocery store exploits this evolutionary survival mechanism every single day. ** Michael Moss, ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions''. W. H. Allen & Co. (2021) ISBN 978-0753556344, ISBN 0753556340 * When it comes to the speed at which it hits the brain, processed food makes tobacco look slow. The reward signal is instantaneous, reinforcing the addictive loop before you even finish chewing. ** ''Hooked: Food, Free Will, and How the Food Giants Exploit Our Addictions'' ==O== * Would it not be better if they spent more money on wholesome things like oranges and wholemeal bread or if they even, like the writer of the letter to the New Statesman, saved on fuel and ate their carrots raw? Yes, it would, but the point is that no ordinary human being is ever going to do such a thing. The ordinary human being would sooner starve than live on brown bread and raw carrots. '''And the peculiar evil is this, that the less money you have, the less inclined you feel to spend it on wholesome food.''' A millionaire may enjoy breakfasting off orange juice and Ryvita biscuits; an unemployed man doesn't. Here the tendency of which I spoke at the end of the last chapter comes into play. When you are unemployed, which is to say '''when you are underfed, harassed, bored, and miserable, you don't want to eat dull wholesome food. You want something a little bit 'tasty'. There is always some cheaply pleasant thing to tempt you.''' ** [[w:George_Orwell|George Orwell]], [[w:The_Road_to_Wigan_Pier|The Road to Wigan Pier]] (1937) (from Pt. 1, Ch. 6.) ==P== <small>Susan Peirce Thompson</small> * Food addiction isn't a character flaw or a lack of willpower; it is a predictable biological response to modern engineered foods in a brain that is highly susceptible. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free''. (2017) ISBN 978-1401952532 * Refined sugar and refined flour are not foods — they are highly purified, fast-acting chemicals that hijack the reward pathways of the brain in the exact same manner as drugs of abuse. ** ''Bright Line Eating: The Science of Living Happy, Thin, and Free'' * When the brain is flooded with dopamine from hyper-palatable foods, the resulting insulin spikes block leptin from reaching the hypothalamus, leaving the individual in a state of perpetual, biological starvation. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''The Official Bright Line Eating Cookbook: Weight Loss Made Simple''. (2019) ISBN 978-1401956790 * For someone with a highly susceptible food-addict brain, the advice to 'eat everything in moderation' is not just useless; it is biologically impossible and psychologically damaging. ** Susan Peirce Thompson, ''ReZolve: The Science of Re-Wiring Your Brain to Resolve Weight and Food Issues''. (2025) ISBN 978-1401977719 <small>David Perlmutter</small> * If you cannot control your hunger and appetite, good luck managing your blood chemistry, metabolism, waistline, and, in the bigger picture, the prospect of crippling your brain. ** [[w:David_Perlmutter|David Perlmutter]], ''Grain Brain: The Surprising Truth about Wheat, Carbs, and Sugar--Your Brain's Silent Killers'' (2013) * The food we eat goes beyond its macronutrients of carbohydrates, fat and protein. It's information. It interacts with and instructs our genome with every mouthful, changing genetic expression. ** David Perlmutter, ''Brain Maker: The Power of Gut Microbes to Heal and Protect Your Brain–for Life'' (2015) ISBN 978-0316380102 * "Shop the periphery of the grocery store. Anything with an ingredient list is suspect... [Ultra-processed foods] aren’t just empty—they’re addictive, designed to light up your brain’s reward system like a slot machine. ** David_Perlmutter, Clinical Commentary Archive, ''[https://drperlmutter.com/ultra-processed-foods-threaten-brain "Ultra-Processed Foods Threaten Your Brain"]'' (2024) <small>Lulu Hunt Peters</small> * A good way to show [your stomach] that you are master is to fast for at least one day—drink nothing but pure water, hot or cold, as you prefer. ** [[w:Lulu_Hunt_Peters|Lulu Hunt Peters]], ''Diet and Health: With Key to the Calories'' (1918), at [https://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/15069/pg15069-images.html#Chapter8 Chapter 8] ''("At last. How to Reduce.")'' <small>Michael Pollan</small> * Cooking for yourself is the only sure way to take back control of your diet from the food scientists and food processors, and to guarantee you're eating real food rather than edible foodlike substances, with their unhealthy oils, high-fructose corn syrup, and surfeit of salt. ** [[w:Michael Pollan|Michael Pollan]], ''[[w:In_Defense_of_Food|In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto]]'' (2008) ISBN 978-1594201455 * You're better off eating the real thing in moderation than binging on 'lite' food products that pack less flavor but more chemical additives. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Food_Rules:_An_Eater%27s_Manual|Food Rules: An Eater's Manual]]'' (2009) ISBN 978-0143116387 * If it came from a plant, eat it; if it was made in a plant, don't. ** ''Food Rules: An Eater's Manual'' * The most important thing about your diet is who cooks it, a human or a corporation. ** Michael Pollan, ''[[w:Cooked:_A_Natural_History_of_Transformation|Cooked: A Natural History of Transformation]]'' (2013) ISBN 978-1594204210 ==S== <small>Eric Schlosser, with Charles Wilson</small> * The point of this book is to take that strong impulse we all feel - our hunger for sweet, salty, fatty fast foods - and make you think about it. ''Chew On This'' will tell you where fast food comes from, who makes it, what's in it and what happens when you eat it. This is a book about fast food and the world it has made. ** [[w:Eric_Schlosser|Eric Schlosser]] and Charles Wilson, ''Chew on This: Everything You Don't Want to Know about Fast Food.'' (2006), ISBN 13: 978-0-618-59394-1 (Houghton Miffin Harcourt). ISBN-10: 0-141-31844-9 (Penguin Books). Introduction, at page 2. (Page numbers from the 2006 Penguin edition.)<br>The book is an adaptation of an earlier Eric Schlosser book, ''[[w:Fast_Food_Nation|Fast Food Nation: The Dark Side of the All-American Meal]]'' (2001), aimed at younger readers. [[File:Fast_food_love.jpg|thumb|right|By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.]] * Fast food may look like the sort of food people have always eaten, but it's different. It's not the kind of food you can make in your kitchen from scratch. Fast food is something radically new. Indeed, the food we eat has changed more during the past thirty years than during the previous 30,000 years.<br>[...] For the most part, fast food tastes pretty good. That's one of the main reasons people like to eat it. Fast food has been carefully designed to taste good.<br>[...] Chew on this: people should know what lies beneath the shiny happy surface of every fast food restaurant. They should know what really lurks between those sesame seed buns. As the old saying goes: you are what you eat. ** ''Chew on This'' - Introduction, at pages 4, 5. * At first, man-made flavour additives were mainly used in baked goods, candies and soft drinks. And then, during the mid-fifties, sales of processed food began to soar. By the mid-1960s, the American flavour industry was churning out compounds to supply the taste of Pop Tarts, Hamburger Helper, Bac-O-Bits, Tab, Tango, Filet-O-Fish burgers and literally thousands of other products.<br>[...] By adding the right chemicals, processed foods can be made to taste like just about anything.<br>[...] Flavours are created by blending many chemicals in tiny amounts. [...] The taste of a food can be changed enormously by tiny changes in the flavouring mix.<br>In order to give a processed food the right taste, a flavourist must always consider the food's 'mouthfeel' - the combination of textures that you notice as you eat it. The mouthfeel can be adjusted through the use of different fats, gums and starches. ** ''Chew on This'' - Chapter 4, at pages 84, 86, 87-88. [[File:Obesity_in_the_US_(4014987104).jpg|thumb|right|The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault.]] * During the past two decades the flavour industry's role in food production has become so influential that many children now like man-made flavours more than the real thing. [...] When flavourists create additives for kids' foods, they usually get rid of the bitterness and increase the sweetness. Children's flavours are often twice as sweet as those made for adults. [...] The use of strong, unusual flavours is now one of the most popular trends in kids' food. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.90. * For years, the US government has argued that the colour and flavour additives widely used in processed foods are safe. That may not always be the case.<br>[...] A number of scientists now worry that eating so many different chemicals in processed foods may not be good for young children. [...] But the safety of eating a large combination of additives at every meal remains unknown. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.4, at p.92, 93. * Thirty years [on from 1976], about 19,000 government-funded schools - one of every five in the United States - sell branded fast food in the cafeteria.<br>[...] 'I don't think it's healthy,' a fourteen-year-old told a reporter, 'but I eat it because it tastes good.' ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.5, at p.100. * The fast food industry would like people to believe the problem isn't the food, it's the customer's behaviour. 'There are no good foods or bad foods,' the industry argues, implying that if you're overweight it's your own fault. The emphasis is on changing what the customers do, not what the fast food companies do. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.189. * Nobody is forced to buy fast food. The first step towards real change is by far the easiest. Stop buying it. [...] When you buy something from a company you are, in effect, voting for its policies and its behaviour. ** ''Chew on This'' - Ch.8, at p.196, 197. <small>Kay Sheppard</small> * Food addiction is a progressive, chronic, and fatal disease, characterized by an inability to control the intake of specific, trigger substances. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows'' (1989) * For some people, foods can be as addictive as alcohol. Gummy bears and marshmallow chicks can be vicious killers whose effects can lead to depression, irritability and even suicide. ** Kay Sheppard, ''Food Addiction: The Body Knows: Revised & Expanded Edition'', (1993) ISBN 978-1558742765 * Recovery does not begin with calorie counting; it begins with the total elimination of the chemical triggers — refined sugar, flour, and wheat — that drive the physical craving. * Kay Sheppard, ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' (2000) * For the food addict, a single bite of a trigger food is not a treat — it is a chemical relapse that reawakens the physical obsession. ** ''From the First Bite: A Complete Guide to Recovery from Food Addiction'' * Food addiction is characterized by an obsession with food, obsession with weight, and loss of control over the amount eaten. ** Kay Sheppard, [https://michaelprager.com/Kay-Sheppard-video-interview-food-addiction-abstinence-obesity-author-recovery video interview with journalist Michael Prager], 2013. ==T== * The brain chemistry that drives the addict to seek pleasure beyond the point of satiety is similar, whether the user favours Jack Daniels or [[w:Jack_in_the_Box|Jack-in-the-Box]]. ** Vera Tarman, ''Food Junkies: The Truth About Food Addiction'' (2014) * If food addicts could smoke or inject sugar, food addiction would be on the same playing field for researchers as cocaine or heroin. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Today I say am an addict. A respectable addict, of course. Not like the desperate addicts who have cashed in their mortgage... After all, my drug is cheap, the cheapest of all drugs, and therefore the most pernicious... And my drug is everywhere I look: in the drive-through gas station's convenience store, in the supermarket, on the lusciously displayed menu of an exclusive restaurant. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Sugar, for example, shares the same neurochemistry and neural pathways as cocaine. Sweetened chocolate mimics the effects of alcohol and opiates. Flour modulates moods and anaesthetizes pain just as many drugs do. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Obesity, eating disorders, and chemical dependency on food are three distinct and very different diseases -- and demonstrate different behaviors around food. We can categorize the corresponding behaviours of these conditions as problems that occur within the normal eating, emotional eating, and food addiction spectrums.<br>Obesity is entirely a physical problem: a result of eating too many calories while expending too few... Normal eaters simply eat too much... Normal eaters represent a large proportion of the obese. They can regulate their obesity by learning how to change the circumstances that foster poor willpower: better sleep, stress management, improving social skills, and changing a toxic food environment are only a few of the modifications that can be made...<br>Certainly, people suffering from [[w:Eating_disorder|eating disorders]] and [[w:Food_addiction|food addiction]] can also be obese, but their primary condition is not [[w:Obesity|obesity]]. In their cases, obesity is just another symptom of their emotional disturbance or their food addiction. The underlying [[w:Psychological_trauma|emotional trauma]] that drives the bulimic to stuff himself needs to be addressed first before the physical aspects of obesity can be seriously addressed; likewise, the sugar that is propelling the addictive overeater needs to be removed first before tackling any weight issues. ** ''Food Junkies'' * I believe that food addicts need the same type of support offered to alcoholics and drug addicts. They need to detoxify first and then learn about their disease, while dealing with the thoughts and feelings that arise once they are off their drug. Quite often, psychological issues do not become obvious until food addicts have been abstinent for a long period of time. That's why ongoing support is needed to prevent addicts from relapsing in a panicky effort to cope. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Withdrawal occurs once a person [[w:Whole_food|stops eating any addictive food]]. Though abstaining from foods is a contentious subject in the scientific literature, there is no question that it will cause a level of discomfort that often drives addicts back to eating...<br>The good news is that detoxification is not a long process; it only lasts for a relatively short period - between one week and four weeks...<br>Cheating by having a bite here or a spoonful there is also an excellent way to suffer withdrawal in perpetuity. Withdrawal will not end if the substance is constantly being reintroduced back into the brain reward pathway. ** ''Food Junkies'' * Feelings of deprivation, obsessions about food, and anxiety arising from unresolved trauma that was being “medicated” by the addictive foods may appear like spectres that linger, worsening before they get better. ** ''Food Junkies'' * From food addiction to food serenity - freedom tastes great! ** ''Food Junkies'' * It's not food. It's an industrially produced edible substance. ** [[w:Chris_van_Tulleken|Chris van Tulleken]], ''Ultra-Processed People: Why Do We All Eat Stuff That Isn't Food… and Why Can't We Stop?'' (2023) ISBN 978-1529160222<br>[+ ''[https://www.shortform.com/blog/ultra-processed-people-book An article about this book]''] * The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * This is the science behind how UPF affects the human body:<br>• The destruction of the food matrix by physical, chemical and thermal processing means that UPF is, in general, soft. This means you eat it fast, which means you eat far more calories per minute and don’t feel full until long after you’ve finished.<br>• UPF typically has a very high calorie density because it’s dry, and high in fat and sugar and low in fibre, so you get more calories per mouthful.<br>• It displaces diverse whole foods from the diet, especially among low-income groups. And UPF itself is often micronutrient-deficient, which may also contribute to excess consumption.<br> • The mismatch between the taste signals from the mouth and the nutrition content in some UPF alters metabolism and appetite in ways that we are only beginning to understand, but that seem to drive excess consumption.<br>• UPF is addictive, meaning that for some people binges are unavoidable.<br>• The emulsifiers, preservatives, modified starches and other additives damage the microbiome, which could allow inflammatory bacteria to flourish and cause the gut to leak.<br>• The convenience, price and marketing of UPF urge us to eat constantly and without thought, which leads to more snacking, less chewing, faster eating, increased consumption, and tooth decay.<br>• The additives and physical processing mean that UPF affects our [[w:Satiety|satiety system]] directly. Other additives may affect brain and endocrine function, and plastics from the packaging might affect fertility.<br>• The production methods used to make UPF require expensive subsidy and drive environmental destruction, carbon emissions and plastic pollution, which harm us all. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * The signals that tell you to ‘stop eating’ haven’t evolved to handle food this soft and easily digested, so soft that it’s essentially pre-chewed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * “So dominant is soy as industrial animal feed that the average person in the UK or Europe consumes approximately 61kg of soy per year, largely in the form of animal products such as chicken, pork, salmon, cheese, milk and eggs. Only 20–30 per cent of imported soy is ‘certified sustainable’ (and we have already discussed how little that means). So, if you live in the UK, there is a tennis court of land producing soy in the tropics just for you, and most of it comes from places like Brazil and Argentina where ecosystems that affect global climate are being destroyed. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * It’s soft and typically calorie dense, so you eat it at a rate that your body can’t keep up with when it comes to feeling full. Things like protein isolates, refined oils and modified carbohydrates are absorbed so quickly they may not even reach the part of the gut that sends the fullness signal to the brain. They’re not things you have evolved to eat. Some of the additives are well known to cause harm – be particularly aware of emulsifiers and artificial sweeteners. Emulsifiers can thin the mucus lining of the gut, allowing faecal bacteria to leak into the blood stream and inflaming your whole body. The non-nutritive sweeteners that tell your body sugar is coming but don’t supply any calories seem to cause metabolic stress and changes to the microbiome. Other additives that affect the microbiome are maltodextrins, modified starches and lots of the gums and thickeners. Flavour enhancers (glutamate, guanylate, inosinate and ribonucleotides on ingredient lists) drive excess consumption. Again, they tell your body a lie about the nutritional content of the food you’re eating when they’re added out of context. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * In 2022, a study published in the journal ''Neurology'' looked at data from over 72,000 people. Increasing intake of UPF by 10 per cent was associated with a 25 per cent increase in the risk of dementia and a 14 per cent increase in the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. ** ''Ultra-Processed People'' * There is an apparently established fact that food isn't addictive... but here's the thing; it's not 'real' food that's addictive, it's UPF, otherwise known as these 'industrially produced edible substances'..." ** Chris van Tulleken, interviewed in ''i News'', 2023. ''"How I reprogrammed my brain to quit ultra-processed food."'' * Food addiction isn't a recognised disorder by the World Health Organisation or in the manual of psychiatric illness... But many clinicians report they have patients who experience symptoms of food addiction [where people] continue to eat [certain] foods despite trying to stop. ** Chris van Tulleken, [https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/articles/upf_food_cravings BBC Food commentary, 2023], ''"There's a reason we crave ultra-processed food."'' ==W== * According to [[w:David A. Kessler|David Kessler]], the former FDA commissioner, the food industry is not just aiming to satisfy its customers. ... The industry, including the growers, concocters, testers, packagers, marketers, distributors, and retailers, is investing in ''hyperstimulating'' foods—creations with the power to keep us eating. There are scientists hard at work right now devising ways to get you to eat more than you naturally desire. ** [[w:Wendy Wood (psychologist)|Wendy Wood]], {{cite book|url=https://www.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ| isbn=9781250159083 | title=Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes That Stick | date=October 2019 | publisher=Farrar, Straus and Giroux }} [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=hyperstimulating#v=snippet&q=former%20fda%20commissioner&f=false 1st sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=keep+us+eating#v=snippet&q=keep%20us%20eating&f=false 2nd sentence] [https://books.google.com/books?id=YmOMDwAAQBAJ&q=scientists+hard+at+work#v=snippet&q=scientists%20hard%20at%20work&f=false 3rd sentence] * For food addicts, 'abstinence first, absolutely,' is the key to living and a good life. ** Philip Werdell, cited in [https://michaelprager.com/werdell_food_addiction_research_Acorn clinical interview by Michael Prager], "Phil Werdell: 'Abstinence first, absolutely.'" (2010) * This is the key to those who are dually diagnosed with anorexia and food addiction: they need to surrender control of both their obsession with not 'getting fat' and their specific food drugs. They need to learn to not restrict and to not overeat. ** Philip Werdell, SHiFT Recovery Clinical Paper, ''"Eating Disorders & Food Addiction"'' (2014) * Food addiction begins with physical craving. Physical craving distorts the hunger instinct for some people, making these people want more food than they need. This physical craving is a biochemical brain change caused by extra sugar or other hyper-processed foods. ** Philip Werdell, ''Food Addiction Denial: False Information and Irrational Thinking'', (2022) ISBN 978-1667853529 ==Y== [[File:Würfelzucker_--_2018_--_3564.jpg|thumb|right|To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull.]] * We have evolved a craving for sweet foods because we evolved in an environment where sweetness meant fruit, and fruit meant safety and vitamins. Now we can separate sweetness from nutrition, satisfying our palates is no longer a guarantee that we are satisfying our nutritional needs. ** [[w:John_Yudkin|John Yudkin]], ''Pure, White, and Deadly: How Sugar Is Killing Us and What We Can Do to Stop It'' (1972) ISBN 978-0-7067-0056-5 * To argue that the consumption of sugar is simply a matter of choice is to ignore the reality of human behaviour; the more we eat it, the more we want it, and the less we are able to resist its pull. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' * If only a small fraction of what is already known about the effects of sugar were to be revealed about any other material used as a food additive, that material would swiftly be banned. ** ''Pure, White, and Deadly'' == On ''[[w:Food_noise|food noise]]'' (a.k.a. food-related intrusive thoughts ("FRITs")) == * Food noise [is] 'persistent, intrusive thoughts about food that are disruptive to daily life and make healthy behaviors difficult.' ** Dr. Hanim Diktas, PhD, in ''Appetite'' (2025) [[File:Hungry_2683234.svg|thumb|right|]] * In plain language, our brains are experts at making us desire the foods and beverages we see, smell, and hear (e.g., the sound of bacon sizzling in a skillet). These motivational responses that arise from reactivity to food cues are consciously experienced as food-related cognitions and food cravings, defined as intense desires or urges to consume food. These responses can manifest regardless of physiological hunger levels and ultimately lead to increased food-seeking and consumption behaviors.<br>[...] Individual differences in reactivity to food cues might help to partially explain why some people are more susceptible than others to overeating and developing obesity when living in similar environments. For example, heightened cue reactivity, which is often assessed as self-reported preoccupation with food or measured using changes in brain response to food cues, has been observed in overweight individuals and those living with a binge-eating disorder. These data seem to indicate that similar levels of exposure to food cues might lead to different levels of food noise experienced by individuals, which manifest as rumination and obsessive preoccupation with food (i.e., FRITs) and can lead to overeating and maladaptive eating behaviors.<br>[...] our conceptual model considers two categories of potential cues: external food cues, which arise from the physical and social environment (e.g., seeing and smelling palatable foods), and internal food cues, such as those that might arise from homeostatic hunger signals (e.g., noticing that your stomach is growling) and thoughts about food and eating. ** 2023 paper by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.mdpi.com/2072-6643/15/22/4809 What Is Food Noise? A Conceptual Model of Food Cue Reactivity]'' [[File:My_Mind_and_My_Thoughts_by_kartick_dutta.jpg|thumb|right|]] * This study aimed to examine the top videos on TikTok under the hashtag “FoodNoise” and explore what content creators discuss around food noise. ** Article published 29 April 2026 by Daisuke Hayashe and others - ''[https://www.nature.com/articles/s41387-026-00423-z “And just like that, quiet”: a content analysis of TikTok videos on food noise]'' * The struggle with obesity is not simple as a battle of willpower. The disease of obesity is complex and has a much deeper brain-gut relation than thought. The hypothalamus regulates adipocyte mass by integrating hormonal and neural signals from the gut and adipose tissue to maintain energy homeostasis. In obesity, this homeostasis becomes dysregulated, leading to persistent hunger and intrusive thoughts about eating that reflect the brain's defended higher adipocyte mass. These thoughts tend to be persistent, undesirable, or distressing in a noisy pattern patients call “food noise”. ** Abdulhameed Alhamzi, Carel W. le Roux, February 2026 - [https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/oby.70161 The Voice of a Disease: Why Food Noise Can No Longer Be Ignored!] * The basic premise of this book is that some foods are '''"intense"''' while others are '''"xtense.'''"<br>'''"Xtense" foods''' are natural foods that our bodies are able to have a reasonable and sane relationship with. We eat them until we are full and then we lose interest in them. We don't long for them or fantasise about them or try to give them up or try to limit our intake only to crack and eat them till we feel sick. Did you ever binge out on a head of cabbage followed by some beetroots and turnip mash? Nope. Thought not. Xtense foods just don't have that kind of effect. [[File:Food_Addiction_(286843160).jpg|thumb|right|]]<br>'''"Intense" foods''' however are the "crack cocaine" of the food world. Our bodies cannot deal with them. They affect our metabolism and our brain functioning so badly that we cannot apply the mealy-mouthed logic of the [[w:Food_pyramid_(nutrition)|food pyramid]] and only have them in moderation. If you've ever eaten a family bar of chocolate, or a whole packet of biscuits, or six doughnuts that were on special offer in the supermarket, all by yourself, then this is you. You have a problem with "intense" foods. I actually don't think every human being gets caught in this "intense" food trap, but if you're one of the affected, you'll know who you are.<br>Way back when I first realised I had a problem with food I longed to instead have a problem with cigarettes or even drugs or bad company because I could give them up completely, which, I told myself, would be far easier than having a food problem, as food could never be given up completely. '''This book, by categorising foods into "xtense" and "intense" allows you to do exactly that. If it's "intense", give it up. Forever.'''<br>The author doesn't have an easy index of "intense" and "xtense" foods at the back but rudimentary intelligence will allow you to figure them out yourself. Plus, I do think you have to apply your own life experience to her story and know what works for you. [...]<br> ** From a review filed on Amazon by "Northness" dated 31 March 2012, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. * I read ''Xtensity'' in one sitting and found it both fun and an eye opener. Disguised as a light novel à la Bridget Jones (if Bridget had graduated from Oxford...), '''it is actually a serious reflection on the causes of the current obesity epidemic and the futility of restricted calorie diets. The premise is as follows: evolution has conditioned us to prefer what the author calls "intense" foods, (basically sugar, salt and fat) and the food industry has exploited this evolutionary trait by incessantly peddling an ever increasing variety of attractive, cheap and readily available foods that make us fat. At the same time, our modern day obsession with thinness drives us towards the most absurd diets. However, low calorie diets do not work because evolution has also conditioned us to react to lower food intake as if fighting an impending famine: Feeling hungry triggers survival mechanisms in our body that automatically lower our energy output and produce even more fat cells. The solution is to avoid "intense" foods as much as possible and replace them with "Xtense" healthy nutritious foods. It's not easy to do, but it works.''' Goodbye Bridget Jones and Hello [[w:Arthur_De_Vany#Evolutionary_fitness|Art de Vany]]! ** From a review filed on Amazon by "MCR" dated 2 April 2014, about Judy Corstjens' 2010 book,'' "Xtensity: Why 5% of Dieters Succeed"''. == See also == * [[Addiction]] * [[Binge eating]] * [[Food]] * [[Overeating]] == External links == {{wikipedia}} * Some salt/sugar/fat quotes from Michael Moss, ''"Salt, Sugar, Fat: How the Food Giants Hooked Us"'', on [https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/21520265-salt-sugar-fat-how-the-food-giants-hooked-us goodreads.com] * Discussion of [https://www.westonaprice.org/book-reviews/the-hacking-of-the-american-mind-by-dr-robert-h-lustig/#gsc.tab=0 ''"The Hacking of the American Mind: The Science Behind the Corporate Takeover of Our Bodies and Brains"''] by Dr Robert H. Lustig [[Category:Psychology]] [[Category:Eating disorders]] mgyj54nhohkq7gr222fuuirrz770e9p 3 308238 3954179 3951441 2026-06-18T16:27:45Z ~delta 3151367 rvv lta troll 3954179 wikitext text/x-wiki phoiac9h4m842xq45sp7s6u21eteeq1 0 308291 3954381 3952307 2026-06-19T11:10:28Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* Quotes */ 3954381 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Helena Sheehan|Helena Sheehan]]''' (born 1944) is an Irish philosopher, historian of science, philosophy, culture and politics. {{philosopher-stub}} ==Quotes== * There is a difference between scatty and systemic thinking, between eclecticism and synthesis, between pluralism and holism, between a ragbag of assorted notions and a coherent and comprehensive worldview.<ref>https://monthlyreview.org/articles/totality-decades-of-debate-and-the-return-of-nature/</ref> * There is confusion and charlatanry and bluff predominating in the intellectual culture of our time. In popular culture, there is the clutter of celebrity gossip, science fiction and superheroes, murderous gaming,vacuous “reality TV,” the barrage of noise, and the lights and gyrations of popular music. It is camouflaging a vast emptiness.<ref>http://marxism.cass.cn/en/EventsOpinions/202512/t20251203_5953698.shtml</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sheehan, Helena }} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1944 births]] [[Category:Women born in the 1940s]] 1ie6e5w1rk4pnvev0ed3ms2fjs2ztn7 3954383 3954381 2026-06-19T11:21:33Z Мит Сколов 2885624 /* External links */ 3954383 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Helena Sheehan|Helena Sheehan]]''' (born 1944) is an Irish philosopher, historian of science, philosophy, culture and politics. {{philosopher-stub}} ==Quotes== * There is a difference between scatty and systemic thinking, between eclecticism and synthesis, between pluralism and holism, between a ragbag of assorted notions and a coherent and comprehensive worldview.<ref>https://monthlyreview.org/articles/totality-decades-of-debate-and-the-return-of-nature/</ref> * There is confusion and charlatanry and bluff predominating in the intellectual culture of our time. In popular culture, there is the clutter of celebrity gossip, science fiction and superheroes, murderous gaming,vacuous “reality TV,” the barrage of noise, and the lights and gyrations of popular music. It is camouflaging a vast emptiness.<ref>http://marxism.cass.cn/en/EventsOpinions/202512/t20251203_5953698.shtml</ref> ==About Sheehan== *Well-known and respected in left-wing circles, Sheehan’s scholar-activism and international standing facilitated access to key players in the socialist arena.<ref>https://monthlyreview.org/in-the-public-eye-helena-sheehan-author-of-until-we-fall-and-navigating-the-zeitgeist/</ref> == External links == *{{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sheehan, Helena }} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:1944 births]] [[Category:Women born in the 1940s]] 21chz420dp9bneq6xgumfm1n6t1ejsh 0 308313 3954270 3953512 2026-06-18T20:43:18Z ~2026-35709-43 3343447 /* External links */ 3954270 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} [[File:DisclosureDay2026Logo.png|thumb|Listen.]] '''''{{w|Disclosure Day}}''''' is a [[w:2026 in film|2026]] [[w:Science fiction film|science fiction]] [[w:Thriller film|thriller]] film about a meteorologist and a cybersecurity expert, who find themselves at the center of a movement to expose the government's cover-up of extraterrestrial secrets. :''Directed by [[Steven Spielberg]]. Written by Steven Spielberg and {{w|David Koepp}}.'' {{center/s}}'''We deserve to know.'''{{center/e}} {{film-stub}} == Margaret Fairchild == * Good morning Kanas City. Let's take a look at today... Let's... let's... Today is... Today... ''[starts talking in an alien language]'' * What's happening to me? I'm frightened, I'm frightened out of my wits. * Daniel Kellner. Do not go back to the house. They found you. I don't know who you are, but they're gonna kill you. * Listen. == Dr. Daniel Keller == * People have a right to know the truth. * I'm a part of it now. I'm just sorry that they made you a part of it too. * Full disclosure to the whole world. == Dialogue == == Cast == {{cast listing| * [[Emily Blunt]] — Margaret Fairchild ** Delaney Cuthbert {{small|(young)}} * {{w|Josh O'Connor}} — Daniel Keller ** Tyler Renaud {{small|(young)}} * {{w|Colin Firth}} — Noah Scanlon * {{w|Eve Hewson}} — Jane Blankenship * {{w|Colman Domingo}} — Hugo Wakefield * {{w|Wyatt Russell}} — Jackson * {{w|Henry Lloyd-Hughes}} — Casper Boyd * {{w|Elizabeth Marvel}} — Sister Maura * {{w|Hettienne Park}} — Serena * Tommy Martinez — Dave Santiago * {{w|Gabby Beans}} — Angela Childs * {{w|Jeremy Shamos}} — Claypool * Revon Yousif — Reza * {{w|Elliot Villar}} — Diaz * {{w|Noah Robbins}} — Munsey * {{w|Michael Gaston}} — General Dobbs }} == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=15047880|title=Disclosure Day}} * {{rotten-tomatoes|id=disclosure_day|title=Disclosure Day}} * {{metacritic film|id=disclosure-day|title=Disclosure Day}} * {{official|https://www.disclosuredaymovie.com/}} [[Category:2026 films]] [[Category:2020s American films]] [[Category:American science fiction films]] [[Category:Films about extraterrestrial life]] [[Category:Films about journalists]] [[Category:Films set in the 1950s]] [[Category:Conspiracy films]] [[Category:Films directed by Steven Spielberg]] [[Category:Screenplays by David Koepp]] pbb4t6759o1jjdu75twdbyga2czp3qf 0 308332 3954311 3952954 2026-06-18T22:02:57Z Gilldragon 2514030 3954311 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Simon Sudbury|Simon Sudbury]]''' (– 14 June 1381) was [[w:Bishop of London|Bishop of London]] from 1361 to 1375, [[w:Archbishop of Canterbury|Archbishop of Canterbury]] from 1375 until his death, and in the last year of his life [[w:Lord Chancellor|Lord Chancellor of England]]. == Quotes == * Neither a traitor, nor despoiler am I, but thy archbishop. ** [[s:Catholic Encyclopedia (1913)/Simon of Sudbury|Simon of Sudbury ''Catholic Encyclopedia'']] *You have come right, my sons; here am I, the archbishop, neither a traitor nor a spoiler. ** [[s:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Sudbury, Simon of|Sudbury, Simon of ''Dictionary of National Biography'']] == Quotes about Simon Sudbury == * The fact that he was chancellor was the real cause of Sudbury's violent death. Nevertheless, there were many who loved the mild and gentle archbishop, and who counted him a martyr. ** [[Joseph Clayton]], [[s:Catholic Encyclopedia (1913)/Simon of Sudbury|Simon of Sudbury (1913)''Catholic Encyclopedia'']] * Though learned, eloquent, and liberal, Sudbury lacked independence of character. ** [[s:Author:William Hunt|William Hunt]], [[s:Dictionary of National Biography, 1885-1900/Sudbury, Simon of|Sudbury, Simon of ''Dictionary of National Biography'']] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Sudbury, Simon}} [[Category:Catholics from England]] [[Category:Clergy from England]] [[Category:Roman Catholic archbishops]] [[Category:Archbishops of Canterbury]] [[Category:1381 deaths]] eluve2lo2x1p7v4pr52agypy00w3wmq 0 308400 3954162 3953543 2026-06-18T15:25:14Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 /* External links */ added Category: Scientists from Massachusetts 3954162 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:PSM V84 D416 Benjamin Osgood Peirce.jpg|thumb|Benjamin Osgood Peirce]] '''{{w|Benjamin Osgood Peirce}}''' (February 11, 1854 – January 14, 1914) was an American [[Mathematicians|mathematician]], {{w|physicist}}, and professor holding, from 1888 to 1914, [[Harvard University|Harvard]]'s {{w|Hollis Chair of Mathematicks and Natural Philosophy}}. He was elected in 1884 to the {{w|American Academy of Arts and Sciences}}, in 1906 to the {{w|National Academy of Sciences}}, and in 1910 to the {{w|American Philosophical Society}}. ==Quotes== * {{w|Newton’s law of universal gravitation|''' 1. The Law of Gravitation.''' Every body in the universe attracts every other body with a force which depends for magnitude and direction upon the masses of the two bodies and upon their relative positions.}}<br>An ''approximate'' value of the attraction between any two {{w|Rigid body|rigid bodies}} may be obtained by imagining the bodies to be divided into small [[particle]]s, and assuming that every particle of the one body attracts every particle of the other with a force directly proportional to the product of the masses of the two particles, and inversely proportional to the square of the distance between their {{w|Center of mass|centre}}s or other corresponding points. The ''true'' value of the attraction is the limit approached by this approximate value as the particles into which the bodies are supposed to be divided are made smaller and smaller. ** {{cite book|title=Elements of the Theory of the Newtonian Potential Function|series=Cornell University Library historical math monographs|edition=revised & enlarged 3rd|location=Boston|publisher=Ginn & Company|year=1902|url=https://books.google.com/books/about/Elements_of_the_Theory_of_the_Newtonian.html?id=J3kAAAAAMAAJ&pg=PA1|page=1}} (490 pages; 1st edition 1886; [https://archive.org/details/elementsoftheory00peir text at archive.org]) * If any of the {{w|Polynomial#Solving equations|root}}s of the equation ƒ(x) = 0 are {{w|Imaginary number|imaginary}}, the parts of the {{w|integral}} which arise from conjugate roots can be combined and the integral brought into a real form. ** {{cite book|title=A Short Table of Integrals|edition=revised|publisher=Ginn & Company|year=1899|chapter=II. Rational Algebraic Functions|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=pYMRAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA15|pages=5–15}} (quote from p. 15; 135 pages; remark on &nbsp;∫ƒ(x)dx, where ƒ = p/q for real polynomials p & q) ==Quotes about Benjamin Osgood Peirce== * {{w|William Elwood Byerly|Professor Byerly}}, his colleague in the Department of Mathematics, once said of him that he knew more [[mathematics]] than any one else in the Department of Mathematics and more [[physics]] than any one else in the Department of Physics. And there was no one to gainsay this statement or to take offense at it. ** {{w|Edwin Hall|Edwin H. Hall}}, {{cite journal|title=Death of Professor Peirce|date=January 15, 1914|journal=The Harvard Crimson|year=https://www.thecrimson.com/article/1914/1/15/death-of-professor-peirce-pa-graduate/}} ==External links== * {{wikipedia-inline}} * {{w|Edwin Hall|Edwin H. Hall}}, {{cite book|chapter=Biographical Memoir of Benjamin Osgood Peirce|title=Biographical Memoirs of the U.S. National Academy of Sciences|volume=Vol. 8|year=1919|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=uLgAAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA437|pages=437–466}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Peirce, Benjamin Osgood}} [[Category:1854 births]] [[Category:1914 deaths]] [[Category:Academics from the United States]] [[Category:Fellows of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Harvard University faculty]] [[Category:Mathematicians from the United States]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:Physicists from the United States]] [[Category:Scientists from Massachusetts]] 16xwmnnvc0fcgw4adbn0yxmpbs50wub 0 308413 3954131 3953971 2026-06-18T12:31:00Z LazarescoDenis 3342971 Expanded voice actors list, added one of Morgan's quotes 3954131 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Prey (2017 video game)|Prey]]''''' is a 2017 [[w:First-person shooter|first-person shooter]] [[w:Immersive sim|immersive sim]] video game developed by [[w:Arkane Studios|Arkane Austin]] and published by [[w:Bethesda Softworks|Bethesda Softworks]]. It occurs in an [[w:Alternate history|alternate timeline]] in which mankind has taken to orbital stations following an accelerated [[w:Space Race|Space Race]]. The player plays as Morgan Yu, a member of a scientific team aboard the space station Talos I researching the Typhon, a hostile alien force with both physical and psychic powers. ==Morgan Yu== *I keep having this dream. I'm just staring into the black between the stars. There's something there. I know there is. I just can't see it. But it sees me, I can feel it. It hates us. I know you know what I'm talking about or you will soon. *The people that come after us will be smarter, stronger, immortal. They can judge us if they want, but they'll know they exist because of the things we did. ==Alex Yu== *We're going to shake things up, Morgan. Like old times. *I always have been the one who thought we couldn't be trusted to play with fire without burning the house down, but you convinced me that we could do everything we imagined, no matter how ridiculous. I hope you still believe it. If not, then I'm glad I died before seeing my brother come to pessimism. *Flesh and blood is messy Morgan, but it's the only thing that matters in the end. ==January== *But you're a human, you have a choice. ==Cast== *[[w:Tim Kang|Tim Kang]] - Morgan Yu / January (Male) *[[w:Sumalee Montano|Sumalee Montano]] - Morgan Yu / January (Female) *[[w:Benedict Wong|Benedict Wong]] - Alex Yu *[[w:Mae Whitman|Mae Whitman]] - Danielle Sho *[[w:Eliza Schneider|Eliza Schneider]] - Mikhaila Ilyushin *[[w:Ike Amadi|Ike Amadi]] - Dr. Dayo Igwe *[[w:Steve Blum|Steve Blum]] - Walter Dahl *[[w:Ilia Volok|Ilia Volok]] - Luka Galubkin == External links == {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2017 video games]] [[Category:PlayStation 4 video games]] [[Category:Xbox One video games]] [[Category:Science fiction video games]] c30xcpdgo9wxlhhw3qqi4aj8jmgyid3 0 308414 3954305 3953974 2026-06-18T21:58:00Z GrimRob 1187925 added [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954305 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MC Hammer (cropped).jpg|thumb|MC Hammer in 2008]] '''[[w:MC Hammer|Stanley Kirk Burrell]]''' (born March 30, 1962), better known by his stage name '''MC Hammer''' (or simply '''Hammer'''), is an American [[w:rapping|rapper]] and dancer. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * Elevate your Thinking and Consciousness. When you measure include the measurer. ** [https://x.com/MCHammer/status/1363908982289559553 Tweet 6:50 PM · Feb 22, 2021] ** MC Hammer was disagreeing with a tweet that said: “Philosophy is flirtation with ideas. Science is commitment to truth.” He also shared an academic article about the philosophy of science and a reading list that included the work of philosopher Michael Foucault. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Rapper]] [[Category:American people]] [[Category:Philosophy of science]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] 8b6kqx1hgvsn78bav2ulz3lwm1qcwfw 3954306 3954305 2026-06-18T21:58:03Z GrimRob 1187925 removed [[Category:Rapper]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954306 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MC Hammer (cropped).jpg|thumb|MC Hammer in 2008]] '''[[w:MC Hammer|Stanley Kirk Burrell]]''' (born March 30, 1962), better known by his stage name '''MC Hammer''' (or simply '''Hammer'''), is an American [[w:rapping|rapper]] and dancer. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * Elevate your Thinking and Consciousness. When you measure include the measurer. ** [https://x.com/MCHammer/status/1363908982289559553 Tweet 6:50 PM · Feb 22, 2021] ** MC Hammer was disagreeing with a tweet that said: “Philosophy is flirtation with ideas. Science is commitment to truth.” He also shared an academic article about the philosophy of science and a reading list that included the work of philosopher Michael Foucault. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:American people]] [[Category:Philosophy of science]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] sqo5f41nqomqdpr1b070iyy73ljush2 3954307 3954306 2026-06-18T21:58:08Z GrimRob 1187925 removed [[Category:American people]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954307 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MC Hammer (cropped).jpg|thumb|MC Hammer in 2008]] '''[[w:MC Hammer|Stanley Kirk Burrell]]''' (born March 30, 1962), better known by his stage name '''MC Hammer''' (or simply '''Hammer'''), is an American [[w:rapping|rapper]] and dancer. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * Elevate your Thinking and Consciousness. When you measure include the measurer. ** [https://x.com/MCHammer/status/1363908982289559553 Tweet 6:50 PM · Feb 22, 2021] ** MC Hammer was disagreeing with a tweet that said: “Philosophy is flirtation with ideas. Science is commitment to truth.” He also shared an academic article about the philosophy of science and a reading list that included the work of philosopher Michael Foucault. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Philosophy of science]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] 453tujmkhfezsb67kiguxwrdu75d27a 3954308 3954307 2026-06-18T21:58:22Z GrimRob 1187925 added [[Category:1962 births]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954308 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:MC Hammer (cropped).jpg|thumb|MC Hammer in 2008]] '''[[w:MC Hammer|Stanley Kirk Burrell]]''' (born March 30, 1962), better known by his stage name '''MC Hammer''' (or simply '''Hammer'''), is an American [[w:rapping|rapper]] and dancer. {{musician-stub}} == Quotes == * Elevate your Thinking and Consciousness. When you measure include the measurer. ** [https://x.com/MCHammer/status/1363908982289559553 Tweet 6:50 PM · Feb 22, 2021] ** MC Hammer was disagreeing with a tweet that said: “Philosophy is flirtation with ideas. Science is commitment to truth.” He also shared an academic article about the philosophy of science and a reading list that included the work of philosopher Michael Foucault. == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:(Last name, First name)}} [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Philosophy of science]] [[Category:Rappers from the United States]] [[Category:1962 births]] 383m3v0q3ndras38jntb7ds7bldhjqg 0 308438 3954127 3954113 2026-06-18T12:16:22Z UDScott 4304 + 10 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954127 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Hope Franklin 2006.jpg|thumb|John Hope Franklin]] '''[[w:John Hope Franklin|John Hope Franklin]]''' (January 2, 1915 – March 25, 2009) was an American historian who focused on the history of the United States. {{historian-stub}} == Quotes == One must be prepared for any eventuality when he makes any effort to promote legislation or to shape the direction of public policy or to affect the choice of those in the public service. This came to me quite forcefully in 1987 when I joined with others from many areas of activity in opposing the Senate confirmation of Robert H. Bork as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. In what I thought was a sober and reasoned statement, I told the Judiciary Committee of the United States Senate that there was "no indicationin his writings, his teaching, or his rulings-that this nominee has any deeply held commitment to the eradication of the problem of race or even of its mitigation." It came as a shock, therefore, to hear the President of the United States declare that the opponents of the confirmation of Judge Bork constituted a "lynch mob." This was a wholly unanticipated tirade against those activists who had merely expressed views on a subject in which all citizens had an interest. [https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1988_JohnHopeFranklin.pdf] == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Franklin, John Hope}} [[Category:1915 births]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Duke University faculty]] [[Category:University of Chicago faculty]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Oklahoma]] [[Category:2009 deaths]] t0lby177ubgrged1uvobnf9f1bdt3do 3954129 3954127 2026-06-18T12:18:22Z UDScott 4304 3954129 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:John Hope Franklin 2006.jpg|thumb|John Hope Franklin]] '''[[w:John Hope Franklin|John Hope Franklin]]''' (January 2, 1915 – March 25, 2009) was an American historian who focused on the history of the United States. {{historian-stub}} == Quotes == * One must be prepared for any eventuality when he makes any effort to promote legislation or to shape the direction of public policy or to affect the choice of those in the public service. This came to me quite forcefully in 1987 when I joined with others from many areas of activity in opposing the Senate confirmation of Robert H. Bork as Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States. In what I thought was a sober and reasoned statement, I told the Judiciary Committee of the United States Senate that there was "no indication in his writings, his teaching, or his rulings-that this nominee has any deeply held commitment to the eradication of the problem of race or even of its mitigation." It came as a shock, therefore, to hear the President of the United States declare that the opponents of the confirmation of Judge Bork constituted a "lynch mob." This was a wholly unanticipated tirade against those activists who had merely expressed views on a subject in which all citizens had an interest. ** [https://www.acls.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/11/Haskins_1988_JohnHopeFranklin.pdf "A Life of Learning"], Charles Homer Haskins lecture, American Council of Learned Studies (April 14, 1988) == External links == {{Wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Franklin, John Hope}} [[Category:1915 births]] [[Category:Historians from the United States]] [[Category:Non-fiction authors from the United States]] [[Category:Harvard University alumni]] [[Category:Duke University faculty]] [[Category:University of Chicago faculty]] [[Category:Presidential Medal of Freedom recipients]] [[Category:Members of the American Philosophical Society]] [[Category:African Americans]] [[Category:People from Oklahoma]] [[Category:2009 deaths]] f674rdq1xkiubd2p3xsa3yupqmajox4 0 308440 3954138 2026-06-18T13:05:56Z UDScott 4304 Created page 3954138 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Night Train to Munich|Night Train to Munich]]''''' is a [[w:1940 in film|1940]] British [[w:thriller film|thriller film]] in which, after Germany invades Czechoslovakia, the German and the British intelligence services try to capture a Czech scientist who invented a new type of armor-plating. :''Directed by [[w:Carol Reed|Carol Reed]]. Written by [[w:Sidney Gilliat|Sidney Gilliat]] and [[w:Frank Launder|Frank Launder]], based on the 1939 short story “Report on a Fugitive” by [[w:Gordon Wellesley|Gordon Wellesley]].'' {{center/s}}'''Laughs! Thrills! Excitement!'''{{center/e}} == Gus Bennett == * Freedom in Germany is a great advance on freedom elsewhere. It's properly organized and controlled by the state. == Dialogue == :'''Karl Marsen''': We have nothing to fear. The nation is behind the Fuhrer. :'''Axel Bomasch''': Yes, but how far behind the Fuhrer? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Station Master''': ''[to Charters and Caldicott who are sitting on a baggage cart]'' You can't sit here. :'''Charters''': Why not? :'''Station Master''': This truck is required. Come on. Off, off, off, off, off, off. :'''Charters''': I suppose these bags aren't required too? :'''Station Master''': Off, off, off, off, off, off, off. :'''Charters''': Pushed about from pillar to post by this railway ever since we got on the train. :'''Caldicott''': Yeah, everything we sit on seems to be required. :'''Charters''': It's monstrous. :'''Caldicott''': We shall write to the company about this. You're not at war with England yet, you know. :'''Station Master''': But you are mistaken. France declared war this afternoon. Und England declared war this morning. So! Achtung! :'''Charters''': War... :'''Caldicott''': Yes. :'''Charters''': Good heavens! :'''Caldicott''': What's the matter? :'''Charters''': My golf clubs. :'''Caldicott''': Where are they? :'''Charters''': I lent them to Max in Berlin. Like a fool, I said he needn't bring them back til next Wednesday... Probably seen the last of them. :'''Caldicott''': Yes. I expect they'll require them for something or other. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charters''': I bought a copy of ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. Occurred to me it might shed a spot of light on all this... how d'ye do. Ever read it? :'''Caldicott''': Never had the time. :'''Charters''': I understand they give a copy to all the bridal couples over here. :'''Caldicott''': Oh, I don't think it's that sort of book, old man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': Are you sure it was Gus Bennett they said? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Yes, I'm certain. :'''Gus Bennett''': Your father's not in the song business? :'''Anna Bomasch''': No. :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, it's beyond me. How did you lose him? :'''Anna Bomasch''': He escaped. :'''Gus Bennett''': He escaped? You mean, he's still at large? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': Have you ever heard of an organized escape? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Organized? :'''Gus Bennett''': To lead them to your father. :'''Anna Bomasch''': But that's fantastic. Karl doesn't even know where I am. :'''Gus Bennett''': Are you sure of that? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Of course. I told no one. :'''Gus Bennett''': Good. Honestly, I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into the romance. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Thank you. I appreciate that you're inspired by the highest motives and that you'll go to any lengths to pursue them. :'''Gus Bennett''': Any lengths. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Even to exhibiting yourself in public as a singer. :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, nature endowed me with a gift and I just accepted it. That's all. :'''Anna Bomasch''': It's a pity it didn't endow you with a voice. Nothing that happened to me in that concentration camp was quite as dreadful as listening to you day after day singing those appalling songs. :'''Gus Bennett''': With those few words, you've knocked the bottom out of my entire existence. :'''Anna Bomasch''': A pity I only knocked it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[to bellhop who delivered champagne]'' Is anything the matter? :'''Bellhop''': That tune you were whistling, sir - it's an English tune, isn't it? :'''Gus Bennett''': How do you know? :'''Bellhop''': I heard it on the radio from London last night. :'''Gus Bennett''': Are you not aware that listening to the foreign broadcasts is forbidden? That there is a strict penalty? :'''Bellhop''': Oh, I'm sorry sir. :'''Gus Bennett''': I will not report you on this occasion but see that you are more discreet in future. Get out. :''[bellhop leaves]'' :'''Gus Bennett''': Very awkward. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Lucky it wasn't "Rule, Britannia." :'''Gus Bennett''': I handled it rather neatly, I thought. :'''Anna Bomasch''': You know, if a woman ever loved you like you love yourself, it would be one of the romances in history. :'''Gus Bennett''': As I'm unlikely to think of an adequate reply to that, I think we ought to drink a toast. England expects that every secret service man this night shall do his duty. :''[opens champagne but there is no pop]'' :'''Gus Bennett''': Flat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier''': If there's more than one major on the train, how are we to know which one to arrest? :'''Gestapo Officer''': Our man has a Gestapo officer watching him. :'''Soldier''': Hmpf. Who has not these days? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Prada''': One moment, Major. You will be surprised to hear that Bomasch is no longer in England. :'''Gus Bennett''': What? :'''Capt. Prada''': He was brought back to Germany only a few hours ago. In fact, he's in this building now. :'''Gus Bennett''': But this completely alters my plans. Perhaps you can arrange for me to see Herr Bomasch at once. :'''Capt. Prada''': I'm afraid it's impossible. He's with the controller. :'''Gus Bennett''': But surely there's no harm in my asking him a few questions. :'''Capt. Prada''': It's beyond my province, Major. I'll pass you on to Captain Viengarten, but frankly I don't think it will get you any further. The controller's office is rather like the kingdom of heaven. And if anything, a little more exclusive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Karl Marsen''': In time you will see things the way I do. The way everyone in Germany does. :'''Anna Bomasch''': I'm not a German. :'''Karl Marsen''': Germany is as much your country as it is ours now. We don't hate the Czechs. We only wish to protect them. :'''Anna Bomasch''': As you're protecting the people of Poland? :'''Karl Marsen''': You've been too long in Britain, listening to their smug hypocrisy! :'''Anna Bomasch''': If I listened to hypocrisy in Britain, it was not from the British. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Controller''': I thought it unwise to speak in front of Bomasch. So far we've made no impression on him. :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[who is pretending to be Major Herzoff]'' I do not agree. He looks ten years older. :'''Controller''': My orders are to obtain quick results. :'''Gus Bennett''': At the Reich, we are rather inclined to believe that the knuckle-duster is the best diplomatic weapon. :'''Controller''': Do I understand that you question...? :'''Gus Bennett''': I question nothing. I am an army officer. :'''Admiral Hassinger''': Personally, I do not follow any of this at all. :'''Gus Bennett''': Bomasch is not the man to be bullied into cooperation, sir. :'''Controller''': Well, what do you suggest? :'''Gus Bennett''': I knew Fraulein Bomasch in Prague. ''[Looks knowingly at Admiral Hassinger]'' She has a great influence with her father and is the one person who can make him change his mind. :'''Controller''': Oh, Marsen here has tried that, but she refused to listen. He is largely responsible for tracing Bomasch in England, completely outwitting the British military intelligence. :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[to Marsen]'' So, may I express a soldier's admiration for one who can carry out his mission under the very eyes of the enemy secret service? :'''Karl Marsen''': Thank you, sir. :'''Gus Bennett''': But, if I may say so, I hardly think the captain is a suitable person to influence the lady. :'''Controller''': And who do you think would be more suitable? :'''Gus Bennett''': Why, uh, myself for instance. :'''Controller''': You? :'''Gus Bennett''': Why not? :'''Admiral Hassinger''': Herzoff was very friendly with her in Prague, you know. :'''Gus Bennett''': A little more than friendly. You saw the way she looked at me when I came in. :'''Admiral Hassinger''': Oh yes, of course. Seems to me that you are a bit of a dog, Herzoff. :'''Gus Bennett''': A technician, Admiral. One does not talk about these things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral Hassinger''': You really believe that you can influence a girl in a matter of hours? :'''Gus Bennett''': Shall we say... overnight? :'''Admiral Hassinger''': I see. :'''Karl Marsen''': Knowing Fraulein Bomasch, sir, I doubt whether even his qualities will make any impression on her. :'''Gus Bennett''': You aren't acquainted with my qualities. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[enters Anna's hotel room]'' My darling, you look as charming as ever. Those same sweet lips, like warm carnations. Those sweet mysterious eyes, darker and softer than the bluest dusk of August violets... as the poet has it, and I hope he was Aryan... No one under the bed, I trust? ''[picks up phone]'' Bring me a bottle of Krug '28... That will be excellent. :'''Anna Bomasch''': What's happening? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, you may have gathered that we were partners in a highly romantic interlude in Prague four years ago. By the way, did you like the flowers? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Does that matter? :'''Gus Bennett''': It cost me twelve coupons. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Well, go on. :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, tomorrow morning I'm going to phone the admiral and say that your father is now prepared to work for Germany. :'''Anna Bomasch''': What? :'''Gus Bennett''': I shall say that I persuaded you to reason with him. They're bound to ask me to take you both along. The Gestapo man downstairs will let us pass and then... :'''Anna Bomasch''': Yes, but how do you know he will? :'''Gus Bennett''': They listen in to the phone. They always do. Then instead of driving to the admiralty, we shall go to a meadow outside Berlin where a plane is waiting. :'''Anna Bomasch''': I see. But why should the admiralty believe that you've persuaded me? :'''Gus Bennett''': I shall indicate that, uh, once again you've succumbed to my charms. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Once... again? :'''Gus Bennett''': It happened in Prague, I'm afraid. :'''Anna Bomasch''': And you told them a fantastic story like that? :'''Gus Bennett''': Fantastic? Well it was four years ago, there was a harvest moon and I was younger and more dashing then. :'''Anna Bomasch''': But you really mean all this? It sounds far too simple. :'''Gus Bennett''': I have a very simple mind. But there is one small complication. Uh, I shall have to spend the night here - in a purely professional spirit, of course. :'''Anna Bomasch''': That is necessary? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, sort of fits into the picture. The place is absolutely crawling with Gestapo... Have you any sporting instinct? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Why? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, I'll, uh, toss you who sleeps on the couch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anna Bomasch''': ''[sees her letter to Marsen in Bennett's hand]'' Where did you get that? :'''Gus Bennett''': Post office stopped it. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Why? :'''Gus Bennett''': I gave them instructions. :'''Anna Bomasch''': What have my private letters to do with you? :'''Gus Bennett''': A postmark's a dangerous thing. :'''Anna Bomasch''': This letter's to a friend of mine. :'''Gus Bennett''': British? :'''Anna Bomasch''': No. :'''Gus Bennett''': Refugee? :'''Anna Bomasch''': I'm not going to be cross-examined. :'''Gus Bennett''': I must remind you that the government pay me a wage - small but regular, to look after your father. :'''Anna Bomasch''': It's obviously not small enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Karl Marsen''': I'm afraid I must ask you to drop this little comedy. It's very entertaining but I have certain formalities to attend to. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Comedy? What do you mean? ''[hands tea to Bennett]'' :'''Gus Bennett''': Oh, thank you. :'''Karl Marsen''': You're merely pretending to be infatuated with this man. There's no such person as Major Herzoff. He's a British agent trying to get you and your father out of Germany. :'''Anna Bomasch''': You must be crazy. ''[to Bennett]'' Ulrich! :'''Gus Bennett''': I don't propose to waste the time of the Gestapo denying it. :'''Karl Marsen''': Thank you. :'''Axel Bomasch''': You, you're going to give yourself up? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, they have lots of proof, Mr. Bomasch. :'''Karl Marsen''': An escort will be waiting at Munich to take you in charge. :'''Anna Bomasch''': You can't do this. :'''Karl Marsen''': He's an enemy agent. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Weren't you? Didn't you do exactly the same as he's doing? :'''Karl Marsen''': With a slight but important difference. ''I'' wasn't caught. :'''Anna Bomasch''': ''[to Bennett]'' Are you just going to sit there and do nothing? :'''Gus Bennett''': Now, please don't make a scene. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Don't you realize what this means? :'''Gus Bennett''': Yes, I do. But he has a gun and I haven't. And he's got a couple of reserves next door. Who do you take me for - [[w:Bulldog Drummond|Bulldog Drummond]]? == Cast == {{cast listing| * [[w:Margaret Lockwood|Margaret Lockwood]] - Anna Bomasch * [[w:Rex Harrison|Rex Harrison]] - Dickie Randall / Gus Bennett / Ulrich Herzog * [[w:Paul Henreid|Paul Henreid]] - Capt. Karl Marsen * [[w:Basil Radford|Basil Radford]] - Charters * [[w:Naunton Wayne|Naunton Wayne]] - Caldicott * [[w:James Harcourt|James Harcourt]] - Axel Bomasch * [[w:Felix Aylmer|Felix Aylmer]] - Dr. John Fredericks * [[w:Wyndham Goldie|Wyndham Goldie]] - Charles Dryton * [[w:Roland Culver|Roland Culver]] - Roberts * [[w:Eliot Makeham|Eliot Makeham]] - Schwab * [[w:Raymond Huntley|Raymond Huntley]] - Kampenfeldt * [[w:Austin Trevor|Austin Trevor]] - Capt. Prada * [[w:Kenneth Kent|Kenneth Kent]] - Controller * [[w:C. V. France|C. V. France]] - Admiral Hassinger * [[w:Frederick Valk|Frederick Valk]] - Gestapo Officer * [[w:Morland Graham|Morland Graham]] - [[w:Aerial tramway|Teleferic]] Attendant * [[w:Hugh Griffith|Hugh Griffith]] - Sailor (uncredited) * [[w:Billy Russell (comedian)|Billy Russell]] - [[Adolf Hitler]] (uncredited) * [[w:Charles Oliver (actor)|Charles Oliver]] - SS Officer at Concentration Camp (uncredited) }} == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0032842}} [[Category:1940 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:World War II films]] pokpsapggiywzp0lih4rh6qv2w571tm 3954139 3954138 2026-06-18T13:08:14Z UDScott 4304 + 9 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954139 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic title}} '''''[[w:Night Train to Munich|Night Train to Munich]]''''' is a [[w:1940 in film|1940]] British [[w:thriller film|thriller film]] in which, after Germany invades Czechoslovakia, the German and the British intelligence services try to capture a Czech scientist who invented a new type of armor-plating. :''Directed by [[w:Carol Reed|Carol Reed]]. Written by [[w:Sidney Gilliat|Sidney Gilliat]] and [[w:Frank Launder|Frank Launder]], based on the 1939 short story “Report on a Fugitive” by [[w:Gordon Wellesley|Gordon Wellesley]].'' {{center/s}}'''Laughs! Thrills! Excitement!'''{{center/e}} == Gus Bennett == * Freedom in Germany is a great advance on freedom elsewhere. It's properly organized and controlled by the state. == Dialogue == :'''Karl Marsen''': We have nothing to fear. The nation is behind the Fuhrer. :'''Axel Bomasch''': Yes, but how far behind the Fuhrer? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Station Master''': ''[to Charters and Caldicott who are sitting on a baggage cart]'' You can't sit here. :'''Charters''': Why not? :'''Station Master''': This truck is required. Come on. Off, off, off, off, off, off. :'''Charters''': I suppose these bags aren't required too? :'''Station Master''': Off, off, off, off, off, off, off. :'''Charters''': Pushed about from pillar to post by this railway ever since we got on the train. :'''Caldicott''': Yeah, everything we sit on seems to be required. :'''Charters''': It's monstrous. :'''Caldicott''': We shall write to the company about this. You're not at war with England yet, you know. :'''Station Master''': But you are mistaken. France declared war this afternoon. Und England declared war this morning. So! Achtung! :'''Charters''': War... :'''Caldicott''': Yes. :'''Charters''': Good heavens! :'''Caldicott''': What's the matter? :'''Charters''': My golf clubs. :'''Caldicott''': Where are they? :'''Charters''': I lent them to Max in Berlin. Like a fool, I said he needn't bring them back til next Wednesday... Probably seen the last of them. :'''Caldicott''': Yes. I expect they'll require them for something or other. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Charters''': I bought a copy of ''[[Mein Kampf]]''. Occurred to me it might shed a spot of light on all this... how d'ye do. Ever read it? :'''Caldicott''': Never had the time. :'''Charters''': I understand they give a copy to all the bridal couples over here. :'''Caldicott''': Oh, I don't think it's that sort of book, old man. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': Are you sure it was Gus Bennett they said? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Yes, I'm certain. :'''Gus Bennett''': Your father's not in the song business? :'''Anna Bomasch''': No. :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, it's beyond me. How did you lose him? :'''Anna Bomasch''': He escaped. :'''Gus Bennett''': He escaped? You mean, he's still at large? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': Have you ever heard of an organized escape? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Organized? :'''Gus Bennett''': To lead them to your father. :'''Anna Bomasch''': But that's fantastic. Karl doesn't even know where I am. :'''Gus Bennett''': Are you sure of that? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Of course. I told no one. :'''Gus Bennett''': Good. Honestly, I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into the romance. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Thank you. I appreciate that you're inspired by the highest motives and that you'll go to any lengths to pursue them. :'''Gus Bennett''': Any lengths. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Even to exhibiting yourself in public as a singer. :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, nature endowed me with a gift and I just accepted it. That's all. :'''Anna Bomasch''': It's a pity it didn't endow you with a voice. Nothing that happened to me in that concentration camp was quite as dreadful as listening to you day after day singing those appalling songs. :'''Gus Bennett''': With those few words, you've knocked the bottom out of my entire existence. :'''Anna Bomasch''': A pity I only knocked it. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[to bellhop who delivered champagne]'' Is anything the matter? :'''Bellhop''': That tune you were whistling, sir - it's an English tune, isn't it? :'''Gus Bennett''': How do you know? :'''Bellhop''': I heard it on the radio from London last night. :'''Gus Bennett''': Are you not aware that listening to the foreign broadcasts is forbidden? That there is a strict penalty? :'''Bellhop''': Oh, I'm sorry sir. :'''Gus Bennett''': I will not report you on this occasion but see that you are more discreet in future. Get out. :''[bellhop leaves]'' :'''Gus Bennett''': Very awkward. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Lucky it wasn't "Rule, Britannia." :'''Gus Bennett''': I handled it rather neatly, I thought. :'''Anna Bomasch''': You know, if a woman ever loved you like you love yourself, it would be one of the romances in history. :'''Gus Bennett''': As I'm unlikely to think of an adequate reply to that, I think we ought to drink a toast. England expects that every secret service man this night shall do his duty. :''[opens champagne but there is no pop]'' :'''Gus Bennett''': Flat. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Soldier''': If there's more than one major on the train, how are we to know which one to arrest? :'''Gestapo Officer''': Our man has a Gestapo officer watching him. :'''Soldier''': Hmpf. Who has not these days? <hr width="50%"/> :'''Capt. Prada''': One moment, Major. You will be surprised to hear that Bomasch is no longer in England. :'''Gus Bennett''': What? :'''Capt. Prada''': He was brought back to Germany only a few hours ago. In fact, he's in this building now. :'''Gus Bennett''': But this completely alters my plans. Perhaps you can arrange for me to see Herr Bomasch at once. :'''Capt. Prada''': I'm afraid it's impossible. He's with the controller. :'''Gus Bennett''': But surely there's no harm in my asking him a few questions. :'''Capt. Prada''': It's beyond my province, Major. I'll pass you on to Captain Viengarten, but frankly I don't think it will get you any further. The controller's office is rather like the kingdom of heaven. And if anything, a little more exclusive. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Karl Marsen''': In time you will see things the way I do. The way everyone in Germany does. :'''Anna Bomasch''': I'm not a German. :'''Karl Marsen''': Germany is as much your country as it is ours now. We don't hate the Czechs. We only wish to protect them. :'''Anna Bomasch''': As you're protecting the people of Poland? :'''Karl Marsen''': You've been too long in Britain, listening to their smug hypocrisy! :'''Anna Bomasch''': If I listened to hypocrisy in Britain, it was not from the British. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Controller''': I thought it unwise to speak in front of Bomasch. So far we've made no impression on him. :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[who is pretending to be Major Herzoff]'' I do not agree. He looks ten years older. :'''Controller''': My orders are to obtain quick results. :'''Gus Bennett''': At the Reich, we are rather inclined to believe that the knuckle-duster is the best diplomatic weapon. :'''Controller''': Do I understand that you question...? :'''Gus Bennett''': I question nothing. I am an army officer. :'''Admiral Hassinger''': Personally, I do not follow any of this at all. :'''Gus Bennett''': Bomasch is not the man to be bullied into cooperation, sir. :'''Controller''': Well, what do you suggest? :'''Gus Bennett''': I knew Fraulein Bomasch in Prague. ''[Looks knowingly at Admiral Hassinger]'' She has a great influence with her father and is the one person who can make him change his mind. :'''Controller''': Oh, Marsen here has tried that, but she refused to listen. He is largely responsible for tracing Bomasch in England, completely outwitting the British military intelligence. :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[to Marsen]'' So, may I express a soldier's admiration for one who can carry out his mission under the very eyes of the enemy secret service? :'''Karl Marsen''': Thank you, sir. :'''Gus Bennett''': But, if I may say so, I hardly think the captain is a suitable person to influence the lady. :'''Controller''': And who do you think would be more suitable? :'''Gus Bennett''': Why, uh, myself for instance. :'''Controller''': You? :'''Gus Bennett''': Why not? :'''Admiral Hassinger''': Herzoff was very friendly with her in Prague, you know. :'''Gus Bennett''': A little more than friendly. You saw the way she looked at me when I came in. :'''Admiral Hassinger''': Oh yes, of course. Seems to me that you are a bit of a dog, Herzoff. :'''Gus Bennett''': A technician, Admiral. One does not talk about these things. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Admiral Hassinger''': You really believe that you can influence a girl in a matter of hours? :'''Gus Bennett''': Shall we say... overnight? :'''Admiral Hassinger''': I see. :'''Karl Marsen''': Knowing Fraulein Bomasch, sir, I doubt whether even his qualities will make any impression on her. :'''Gus Bennett''': You aren't acquainted with my qualities. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Gus Bennett''': ''[enters Anna's hotel room]'' My darling, you look as charming as ever. Those same sweet lips, like warm carnations. Those sweet mysterious eyes, darker and softer than the bluest dusk of August violets... as the poet has it, and I hope he was Aryan... No one under the bed, I trust? ''[picks up phone]'' Bring me a bottle of Krug '28... That will be excellent. :'''Anna Bomasch''': What's happening? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, you may have gathered that we were partners in a highly romantic interlude in Prague four years ago. By the way, did you like the flowers? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Does that matter? :'''Gus Bennett''': It cost me twelve coupons. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Well, go on. :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, tomorrow morning I'm going to phone the admiral and say that your father is now prepared to work for Germany. :'''Anna Bomasch''': What? :'''Gus Bennett''': I shall say that I persuaded you to reason with him. They're bound to ask me to take you both along. The Gestapo man downstairs will let us pass and then... :'''Anna Bomasch''': Yes, but how do you know he will? :'''Gus Bennett''': They listen in to the phone. They always do. Then instead of driving to the admiralty, we shall go to a meadow outside Berlin where a plane is waiting. :'''Anna Bomasch''': I see. But why should the admiralty believe that you've persuaded me? :'''Gus Bennett''': I shall indicate that, uh, once again you've succumbed to my charms. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Once... again? :'''Gus Bennett''': It happened in Prague, I'm afraid. :'''Anna Bomasch''': And you told them a fantastic story like that? :'''Gus Bennett''': Fantastic? Well it was four years ago, there was a harvest moon and I was younger and more dashing then. :'''Anna Bomasch''': But you really mean all this? It sounds far too simple. :'''Gus Bennett''': I have a very simple mind. But there is one small complication. Uh, I shall have to spend the night here - in a purely professional spirit, of course. :'''Anna Bomasch''': That is necessary? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, sort of fits into the picture. The place is absolutely crawling with Gestapo... Have you any sporting instinct? :'''Anna Bomasch''': Why? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, I'll, uh, toss you who sleeps on the couch. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Anna Bomasch''': ''[sees her letter to Marsen in Bennett's hand]'' Where did you get that? :'''Gus Bennett''': Post office stopped it. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Why? :'''Gus Bennett''': I gave them instructions. :'''Anna Bomasch''': What have my private letters to do with you? :'''Gus Bennett''': A postmark's a dangerous thing. :'''Anna Bomasch''': This letter's to a friend of mine. :'''Gus Bennett''': British? :'''Anna Bomasch''': No. :'''Gus Bennett''': Refugee? :'''Anna Bomasch''': I'm not going to be cross-examined. :'''Gus Bennett''': I must remind you that the government pay me a wage - small but regular, to look after your father. :'''Anna Bomasch''': It's obviously not small enough. <hr width="50%"/> :'''Karl Marsen''': I'm afraid I must ask you to drop this little comedy. It's very entertaining but I have certain formalities to attend to. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Comedy? What do you mean? ''[hands tea to Bennett]'' :'''Gus Bennett''': Oh, thank you. :'''Karl Marsen''': You're merely pretending to be infatuated with this man. There's no such person as Major Herzoff. He's a British agent trying to get you and your father out of Germany. :'''Anna Bomasch''': You must be crazy. ''[to Bennett]'' Ulrich! :'''Gus Bennett''': I don't propose to waste the time of the Gestapo denying it. :'''Karl Marsen''': Thank you. :'''Axel Bomasch''': You, you're going to give yourself up? :'''Gus Bennett''': Well, they have lots of proof, Mr. Bomasch. :'''Karl Marsen''': An escort will be waiting at Munich to take you in charge. :'''Anna Bomasch''': You can't do this. :'''Karl Marsen''': He's an enemy agent. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Weren't you? Didn't you do exactly the same as he's doing? :'''Karl Marsen''': With a slight but important difference. ''I'' wasn't caught. :'''Anna Bomasch''': ''[to Bennett]'' Are you just going to sit there and do nothing? :'''Gus Bennett''': Now, please don't make a scene. :'''Anna Bomasch''': Don't you realize what this means? :'''Gus Bennett''': Yes, I do. But he has a gun and I haven't. And he's got a couple of reserves next door. Who do you take me for - [[w:Bulldog Drummond|Bulldog Drummond]]? == Cast == {{cast listing| * [[w:Margaret Lockwood|Margaret Lockwood]] - Anna Bomasch * [[w:Rex Harrison|Rex Harrison]] - Dickie Randall / Gus Bennett / Ulrich Herzog * [[w:Paul Henreid|Paul Henreid]] - Capt. Karl Marsen * [[w:Basil Radford|Basil Radford]] - Charters * [[w:Naunton Wayne|Naunton Wayne]] - Caldicott * [[w:James Harcourt|James Harcourt]] - Axel Bomasch * [[w:Felix Aylmer|Felix Aylmer]] - Dr. John Fredericks * [[w:Wyndham Goldie|Wyndham Goldie]] - Charles Dryton * [[w:Roland Culver|Roland Culver]] - Roberts * [[w:Eliot Makeham|Eliot Makeham]] - Schwab * [[w:Raymond Huntley|Raymond Huntley]] - Kampenfeldt * [[w:Austin Trevor|Austin Trevor]] - Capt. Prada * [[w:Kenneth Kent|Kenneth Kent]] - Controller * [[w:C. V. France|C. V. France]] - Admiral Hassinger * [[w:Frederick Valk|Frederick Valk]] - Gestapo Officer * [[w:Morland Graham|Morland Graham]] - [[w:Aerial tramway|Teleferic]] Attendant * [[w:Hugh Griffith|Hugh Griffith]] - Sailor (uncredited) * [[w:Billy Russell (comedian)|Billy Russell]] - [[Adolf Hitler]] (uncredited) * [[w:Charles Oliver (actor)|Charles Oliver]] - SS Officer at Concentration Camp (uncredited) }} == External links == {{wikipedia}} * {{imdb title|id=0032842}} [[Category:1940 films]] [[Category:British films]] [[Category:World War II films]] [[Category:Spy films]] [[Category:Thriller films]] [[Category:Films based on short fiction]] [[Category:Films set on trains]] [[Category:Films set in Berlin]] [[Category:Films set in London]] [[Category:Films set in Prague]] [[Category:Films set in the 1930s]] [[Category:Films directed by Carol Reed]] 3axjbkat23bmirnzzr26qbmmik7o2du 14 308441 3954142 2026-06-18T13:10:00Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Films by director|Reed, Carol]]" 3954142 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Films by director|Reed, Carol]] hkgjfn6cvmiun7k1qwftalpyk5jkuvp 0 308442 3954171 2026-06-18T15:58:24Z ~2026-34451-46 3340243 Created page with "{{italic_title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] Thomas and Friends/S..." 3954171 wikitext text/x-wiki {{italic_title}} ---- :'''Seasons:''' [[Thomas and Friends/Season 1|1]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 2|2]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 3|3]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 4|4]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 5|5]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 6|6]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 7|7]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 8|8]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 9|9]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 10|10]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 11|11]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 12|12]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 13|13]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 14|14]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 15|15]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 16|16]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 17|17]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 18|18]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 19|19]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 20|20]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 21|21]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 22|22]] [[Thomas and Friends/Season 23|23]] [[Wikia:TTTE:Season 24|24]] | '''Movies''': [[Thomas and the Magic Railroad]] / [[Calling All Engines!]] / [[The Great Discovery]] / [[Hero of the Rails]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Misty Island Rescue|Misty Island Rescue]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Day of the Diesels|Day of the Diesels]] / [[Blue Mountain Mystery]] / [[Thomas & Friends: King of the Railway|King of the Railway]] / [[Tale of the Brave]] / [[The Adventure Begins]] / [[Thomas & Friends: Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure|Sodor's Legend of the Lost Treasure]] / [[The Great Race (Thomas)|The Great Race]] / [[Journey Beyond Sodor]] / [[Big World! Big Adventures!]] | [[Thomas and Friends|Main]] ---- '''''[[w:Thomas & Friends: Tale of the Brave|Thomas & Friends: Tale of the Brave]]''''' is a 2014 computer-animated film based on ''[[Thomas & Friends]]''. ==Dialogue== :'''Thomas''': ''[to Percy]'' Percy, ''[track is blocks in rocks and bolders]'' <span style="color:blue">'''NOOOOO!!'''</span style="color:blue"> ==Voice Casts== Randoms ==Extranal Links== {{wikipedia}} [[Category:2014 films]] 159ur5jkqruxnvuvg0gxceqmyzni9fy 0 308443 3954178 2026-06-18T16:12:05Z ~2026-34892-48 3341244 Young More (American rapper born 1986) 3954178 wikitext text/x-wiki Cameron Javier Mavis (born July 26, 1986), known widely as, Young More is an American rapper, actor & audio engineer. Born and raised in Toledo, Ohio and his family later moved to Chicago, Illinois where he began his job as an audio engineer in 2004 until in 2007 He gained with his debut rap single "Forever Island". In 2009 he released his debut album titled "Mavis, Forever!". Feud with VAX TRAP, In 2007 after VAX TRAP was featured in his debut single "Forever Island", In VAX TRAP dissed Young More in his diss track "Diss To My Friends" where he says "So heck Young More, heck you, You and your sheet was oppressed with me", In 2011 Young More released his backfire diss track to VAX TRAP "Can't Believe It", where he attacked VAX TRAP's wife, his personality and his swag. In 2006 Mavis was arrested for bringing illegal guns to another school until he was released on Christmas in 2006. Albums- Mavis, Forever (2008) My Pussy (2016) Craved, Cameron (2021) Craved (2023) EPs- 2009 (2014) Mixtapes- Young More (2006) Young Job (2020) 0131kforck3fl4n1yybro7u4vx8da5n 3954186 3954178 2026-06-18T17:04:55Z UDScott 4304 prod 3954186 wikitext text/x-wiki ----{{dated prod|concern = No quotes|month = June|day = 18|year = 2026|time = 17:04|timestamp = 20260618170451}} <!-- Do not use the "dated prod" template directly; the above line is generated by "subst:prod|reason" --> Cameron Javier Mavis (born July 26, 1986), known widely as, Young More is an American rapper, actor & audio engineer. Born and raised in Toledo, Ohio and his family later moved to Chicago, Illinois where he began his job as an audio engineer in 2004 until in 2007 He gained with his debut rap single "Forever Island". In 2009 he released his debut album titled "Mavis, Forever!". Feud with VAX TRAP, In 2007 after VAX TRAP was featured in his debut single "Forever Island", In VAX TRAP dissed Young More in his diss track "Diss To My Friends" where he says "So heck Young More, heck you, You and your sheet was oppressed with me", In 2011 Young More released his backfire diss track to VAX TRAP "Can't Believe It", where he attacked VAX TRAP's wife, his personality and his swag. In 2006 Mavis was arrested for bringing illegal guns to another school until he was released on Christmas in 2006. Albums- Mavis, Forever (2008) My Pussy (2016) Craved, Cameron (2021) Craved (2023) EPs- 2009 (2014) Mixtapes- Young More (2006) Young Job (2020) enn3uz2x632uxixsb50qrbprue7ajoa 0 308445 3954187 2026-06-18T17:08:18Z Suslindisambiguator 275269 created page with 2 quotes from William Stimpson & 1 quote about him 3954187 wikitext text/x-wiki '''{{w|William Stimpson}}''' (February 14, 1832 – May 26, 1872) was an American naturalist and zoologist, known for his scientific descriptions of {{w|crustaceans}} and {{w|Mollusca|mollusks}}. From 1866 to 1872 he was the director of the {{w|Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum|Chicago Academy of Sciences}}. In 1868 Stimpson was elected a Member of the U.S. {{w|National Academy of Sciences}}. ==Quotes== * {{small-caps|There}} is no part of the world in which so large accessions to our knowledge of [[Zoology]] and [[Botany]] have been made within the past five years, as that part of our continent which lies west of the Rocky Mountains. The results of the numerous government surveys, as elaborated by {{w|Spencer Fullerton Baird|{{small-caps|Baird}}}} and {{w|Charles Frédéric Girard|{{small-caps|Girard}}}}, and the investigations of {{w|John Cassin|{{small-caps|Cassin}}}}, {{w|William Orville Ayres|{{small-caps|Ayres}}}}, and the Californian naturalists, have brought to light hundreds of new and interesting Vertebrates, while the [[Insect]]s have been extensively studied by {{w|John Eatton Le Conte|{{small-caps|Le Conte}}}} and the {{w|Vermes|Testacea}} by {{w|Augustus Addison Gould|{{small-caps|Gould}}}}. The Marine Invertebrata have however as yet excited but little attention among our naturalists. With the exception of the descriptions of {{w|Crustacea}} by {{w|James Dwight Dana|{{small-caps|Dana}}}} and {{w|John Witt Randall|{{small-caps|Randall}}}}, nothing has been done here in this department, while in Europe several articles having more or less relation to the subject have recently appeared in various scientific journals. ** {{cite book|title=The Crustacea and Echinodermata of the Pacific Shores of North America|publisher=Houghton & Company|year=1857|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=-6E-AAAAcAAJ&pg=PA3|page=3}} (92 pages; extract from {{w|Journal of the Boston Society of Natural History|''The Journal of the Boston Society of Natural History''}}, vol. VI) * [[:wiktionary:pelagic|Pelagic]] animals are particularly abundant at {{w|Grand Manan}}, on account of the proximity of deep water, and by far the greater part of the [[species]] were obtained by the used of the {{w|Marine biology dredge|dredge}}. Dredging in this region is attended with dangers, to guard against which some some little foresight is necessary. The boat should always be provided with a [[compass]], even in going short distances from land, as the [[fog]]s are very thick in summer, and are suddenly formed. The dredger must also keep an eyer to windward, as the approach of a fog bank may be generally seen at least some minutes beforehand, so that a course may be taken for home; unless, indeed, he be something of a pilot himself, of have one with him, when he may often continue his operations notwithstanding the obscurity. A "horn," consisting of a ''{{w|Aliger gigas|Strombus gigas}}'' with the apex knocked off, should also be provide, to be used when lost in a fog, for, when blown, it will be answered according to the the humane custom of this region, by any who may hear it, whether on shore or in boats. ** {{cite book|title=Synopsis of the Marine Invertebrata of Grand Manan: Or the Region about the Mouth of the Bay of Fundy, New Brunswick|series=Volume 6, Issue 5 of Smithsonian contributions to knowledge; Smithsonian Institution publication No. 50|publisher=Smithsonian Institution|year=1853|url=https://books.google.com/books?id=-kRUAAAAcAAJ&pg=PA6|page=6}} (66 pages) ==Quotes about William Stimpson== * In July, 1852, Stimpson made his second visit to {{w|Eastport, Maine|Eastport}} and {{w|Grand Manan}}, returning in October to [[Louis Agassiz|Agassiz]]’s laboratory in {{w|Cambridge, Massachusetts|Cambridge}}. Then, on November 23, 1852, there came the most significant event in his scientific career, for he was appointed naturalist upon the projected {{w|United States Exploring Expedition|United States North Pacific Exploring Expedition}} under {{w|Cadwalader Ringgold|Commodore Ringgold}}, {{w|North_Pacific_Exploring_and_Surveying_Expedition|later commanded by Captain John Rodgers}}.<br>In December, 1852, Stimpson went to Washington to prepare for the duties of his new position, and on March 21, 1853, he joined the {{w|USS Vincennes (1826)|U. S. S. Vincennes}} in [[New York City|New York]], sailing from {{w|Norfolk, Virginia}}, in May.<br>Stimpson remained four years with this expedition, visiting [[Japan]], {{w|Bering Strait}}, and many other regions of the North Pacific. During this time he collected 5,300 specimens, 1,970 being {{w|Vermes|testaceous mollusks}}; and he himself made special notes and drawings on over 3,000 specimens. Most of his drawings were colored, and related to various groups, including {{w|Ascidiacea|Ascidian}}s, {{w|Planaria}}ns, {{w|Nemertea|Nemertian}}s, {{w|Annelid}}s, {{w|Actiniidae|Actinian}}s, {{w|Alcyonacea|Alcyonaria}}, {{w|Crustacean|Crustacea}}, living mollusks, etc. He realized that a special study of invertebrates, and of the smaller and less conspicuous animals, would yield results of the greatest value, and it is pathetic to think that just as this greatest single labor of his life was all but ready for publication the {{w|Great Chicago Fire|Chicago fire}} destroyed not only these drawings and manuscripts, but also the specimens themselves. ** {{w|Alfred G. Mayor|Alfred Goldsborough Mayor}}, {{cite book|chapter=Biographical Memoir of Willam Stimpson|title=Biographical Memoirs of the U.S. National Academy of Sciences|volume=Vol. 8|year=1919|chapter-url=https://books.google.com/books?id=uLgAAAAAYAAJ&pg=PA423|pages=419–433}} (quote from p. 423; [http://biographicalmemoirs.org/pdfs/stimpson-william.pdf pdf at biographicalmemoirs.org]) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} * {{cite web|title=William Stimpson papers|website=Museum Collections and Archives, Chicago Academy of Sciences / Peggy Notebaert Nature Museum, Chicago, Illinois|url=https://d2rqvd0kuag1qx.cloudfront.net/FindingAid_StimpsonWilliam.pdf}} * [https://www.amazon.com/stores/Ronald-Scott-Vasile/author/B07KVQWMC4?ref=ap_rdr&shoppingPortalEnabled=true Ronald Scott Vasile], {{cite book|title=William Stimpson and the Golden Age of American Natural History|publisher=Cornell University Press|year=2018|isbn=9781609092405|url=https://books.google.com/books/about/William_Stimpson_and_the_Golden_Age_of_A.html?id=vq68DwAAQBAJ}} (308 pages) {{DEFAULTSORT:Stimpson, William}} [[Category:1832 births]] [[Category:1872 deaths]] [[Category:Curators]] [[Category:Members of the United States National Academy of Sciences]] [[Category:Naturalists from the United States]] [[Category:Scientists from Boston]] [[Category:Zoologists from the United States]] bkxhrteog8nlhizufmywpgmt7uiwa45 14 308446 3954192 2026-06-18T17:10:21Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists from Jordan]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Jordan]] [[Category:Women from Jordan by occupation]]" 3954192 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists from Jordan]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Jordan]] [[Category:Women from Jordan by occupation]] 8dlvebl86i9ezgnn9keakat9v5c148e 14 308447 3954193 2026-06-18T17:10:50Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists by country|Jordan]] [[Category:People from Jordan by occupation]]" 3954193 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists by country|Jordan]] [[Category:People from Jordan by occupation]] mo05sdeutr599xu6nnu4vkf1gnihw2q 14 308448 3954203 2026-06-18T17:15:12Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists from Iceland]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Iceland]] [[Category:Women from Iceland by occupation]]" 3954203 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists from Iceland]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Iceland]] [[Category:Women from Iceland by occupation]] f5t451oj45r4mms2y4g3grqoaxw8mx3 14 308449 3954206 2026-06-18T17:16:32Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists from Tunisia]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Tunisia]] [[Category:Women from Tunisia by occupation]]" 3954206 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists from Tunisia]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Tunisia]] [[Category:Women from Tunisia by occupation]] epsppg64f9r2swfozu2ttwpjni15otr 14 308450 3954210 2026-06-18T17:18:27Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists from Argentina]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Argentina]] [[Category:Women from Argentina by occupation]]" 3954210 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists from Argentina]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Argentina]] [[Category:Women from Argentina by occupation]] oqc7hrdhphaty45wskeln4fjnjs740w 14 308451 3954222 2026-06-18T17:27:35Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists from Gambia]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Gambia]] [[Category:Women from Gambia by occupation]]" 3954222 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists from Gambia]] [[Category:Women activists by country|Gambia]] [[Category:Women from Gambia by occupation]] 47a260rlf70fijd5g8ywh0575aj1z94 14 308452 3954223 2026-06-18T17:28:03Z UDScott 4304 Created page with "[[Category:Activists by country|Gambia]] [[Category:People from Gambia by occupation]]" 3954223 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:Activists by country|Gambia]] [[Category:People from Gambia by occupation]] 362kbl1mm7rshirx3dr8e4ecvejonmp 4 308453 3954241 2026-06-18T18:28:23Z Codename Noreste 3154048 + 3954241 wikitext text/x-wiki {{ombox|text=This is a rough draft.}} A '''bot''' is an automated program used to perform certain repetitive tasks. 79tb70t0ryoxxhp9oa9ijif43sigw2q 1 308454 3954247 2026-06-18T19:02:41Z LazarescoDenis 3342971 /* Move (rename) request */ new section 3954247 wikitext text/x-wiki == Move (rename) request == Please rename this article to "Prey (2006 video game)" to differ it from [[Prey (2017 video game)]]. I don't have the move right yet as a new user. [[User:LazarescoDenis|Denis Lazaresco]] ([[User talk:LazarescoDenis|talk]]) 19:02, 18 June 2026 (UTC) hqtkbwf5o92dqhgal0jwflq8mkwnbw9 0 308455 3954255 2026-06-18T19:51:50Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[File:Monty Soutar ONZM (cropped).jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:Monty Soutar|Monty Glyn Soutar]]''' ONZM (born 1961) is a New Zealand historian and author. {{author-stub}} {{historian-stub}} == Quotes == === ''Kāwai: For Such a Time as This'' (2022) === :<small>'''Auckland: David Bateman'''</small> * ''Ka rite te tauira, ka puta te kai-whakaako'': When the student is ready, the teacher appears. ** Prologue <!-- Quoted in: Wiremu Kane, [https://newsroom.co.nz/2023/02/05/on-the..." 3954255 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Monty Soutar ONZM (cropped).jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:Monty Soutar|Monty Glyn Soutar]]''' ONZM (born 1961) is a New Zealand historian and author. {{author-stub}} {{historian-stub}} == Quotes == === ''Kāwai: For Such a Time as This'' (2022) === :<small>'''Auckland: David Bateman'''</small> * ''Ka rite te tauira, ka puta te kai-whakaako'': When the student is ready, the teacher appears. ** Prologue <!-- Quoted in: Wiremu Kane, [https://newsroom.co.nz/2023/02/05/on-the-maori-cannibalism-novel/ "On the Māori cannibalism novel"], ''newsroom.co.nz'' (5 Feb. 2023) --> * The kīnaki or relish was to be provided by an unsuspecting pononga [slave], and this time Wehe did the honours himself. While some of the kai-rākau [warriors] watched, he silently walked up behind a female slave who was crouched over a large smooth stone making dough patties from pounded fernroot. Taking his patu [club] from his belt, Wehe struck her swiftly across the back of her skull, the blunt force he used ensuring a sharp, clean fracture. The woman slumped forward, her lank hair soon saturated with blood.{{pb}} Turning to the pononga's companions, Wehe bellowed, "If I catch anyone else stealing from the [[w:Sweet potato|kūmara]] pits you can expect the same treatment. You two, pick her up and take her to the cooking area." The servants scurried over and collected the body....{{pb}} Wehe and the kai-rākau watched as the two pononga laid the body on a large rock slab. ''Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!'' The adze did its work and the head rolled away. The dogs, which had gathered instantly at the scent of blood, began licking the severed neck. The legs and arms were chopped off at the joins and two women skilfully boned the thighs before wrapping them in leaves and placing them in a basket, which was covered to stop flies getting at them....{{pb}} Wehe's men observed with interest as the cook displayed his impressive butchering techniques using an obsidian knife and long-handled adze. The torso was quartered, the entrails removed and fed to the dogs, whose powerful jaws tore at them while their bushy tails wagged wildly....{{pb}} "Back to work, men." Wehe clapped and the kai-rākau departed, leaving the cook's helpers washing the body parts in a stream of fresh water. ** pp.{{nbsp}}46–48 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Historians from New Zealand]] [[Category:Novelists from New Zealand]] [[Category:Historical novelists]] [[Category:Māori]] j833qyt0ypvrwsmocja7s24ewergsrg 3954260 3954255 2026-06-18T20:08:38Z UDScott 4304 /* External links */ 3954260 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:Monty Soutar ONZM (cropped).jpg|thumb|]] '''[[w:Monty Soutar|Monty Glyn Soutar]]''' ONZM (born 1961) is a New Zealand historian and author. {{author-stub}} {{historian-stub}} == Quotes == === ''Kāwai: For Such a Time as This'' (2022) === :<small>'''Auckland: David Bateman'''</small> * ''Ka rite te tauira, ka puta te kai-whakaako'': When the student is ready, the teacher appears. ** Prologue <!-- Quoted in: Wiremu Kane, [https://newsroom.co.nz/2023/02/05/on-the-maori-cannibalism-novel/ "On the Māori cannibalism novel"], ''newsroom.co.nz'' (5 Feb. 2023) --> * The kīnaki or relish was to be provided by an unsuspecting pononga [slave], and this time Wehe did the honours himself. While some of the kai-rākau [warriors] watched, he silently walked up behind a female slave who was crouched over a large smooth stone making dough patties from pounded fernroot. Taking his patu [club] from his belt, Wehe struck her swiftly across the back of her skull, the blunt force he used ensuring a sharp, clean fracture. The woman slumped forward, her lank hair soon saturated with blood.{{pb}} Turning to the pononga's companions, Wehe bellowed, "If I catch anyone else stealing from the [[w:Sweet potato|kūmara]] pits you can expect the same treatment. You two, pick her up and take her to the cooking area." The servants scurried over and collected the body....{{pb}} Wehe and the kai-rākau watched as the two pononga laid the body on a large rock slab. ''Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!'' The adze did its work and the head rolled away. The dogs, which had gathered instantly at the scent of blood, began licking the severed neck. The legs and arms were chopped off at the joins and two women skilfully boned the thighs before wrapping them in leaves and placing them in a basket, which was covered to stop flies getting at them....{{pb}} Wehe's men observed with interest as the cook displayed his impressive butchering techniques using an obsidian knife and long-handled adze. The torso was quartered, the entrails removed and fed to the dogs, whose powerful jaws tore at them while their bushy tails wagged wildly....{{pb}} "Back to work, men." Wehe clapped and the kai-rākau departed, leaving the cook's helpers washing the body parts in a stream of fresh water. ** pp.{{nbsp}}46–48 == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Soutar, Monty}} [[Category:1961 births]] [[Category:Living people]] [[Category:Historians from New Zealand]] [[Category:Novelists from New Zealand]] [[Category:Historical novelists]] [[Category:Māori]] 9kvlq0fvpw08bkx2iyncyqcnp7b3nud 14 308456 3954256 2026-06-18T19:52:03Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[Category:People from New Zealand]]" 3954256 wikitext text/x-wiki [[Category:People from New Zealand]] ew5gqzwwy4z4nhvqaa4ihv49rl9ifwk 0 308457 3954257 2026-06-18T19:52:44Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "[[File:A portrait of Dr. Herbert A. Parkyn's protégé and New Thought author, William Walker Atkinson, in 1901 (cropped).png|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Walker Atkinson|William Walker Atkinson]]''' (December 5, 1862 – November 22, 1932) was an American attorney, publisher, author, and pioneer of the New Thought movement. He is the presumed author of the pseudonymous works attributed to '''Theron Q. Dumont''' and '''Yogi Ramacharaka'''. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * Whe..." 3954257 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A portrait of Dr. Herbert A. Parkyn's protégé and New Thought author, William Walker Atkinson, in 1901 (cropped).png|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Walker Atkinson|William Walker Atkinson]]''' (December 5, 1862 – November 22, 1932) was an American attorney, publisher, author, and pioneer of the New Thought movement. He is the presumed author of the pseudonymous works attributed to '''Theron Q. Dumont''' and '''Yogi Ramacharaka'''. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * When the student is ready the teacher appears. ** ''Fourteen Lessons in Yogi Philosophy and Oriental Occultism'' (Chicago, IL: The Yogi Publication Society, 1905), ch. 14, pp. 270–271 (written under the pen-name "Yogi Ramacharaka") == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1862 births]] [[Category:1932 deaths]] [[Category:Authors from the United States]] 5i1fzrdet1nnmzonax9cajysqk3qnby 3954261 3954257 2026-06-18T20:10:39Z UDScott 4304 −[[Category:Authors from the United States]]; + 5 categories using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954261 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A portrait of Dr. Herbert A. Parkyn's protégé and New Thought author, William Walker Atkinson, in 1901 (cropped).png|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Walker Atkinson|William Walker Atkinson]]''' (December 5, 1862 – November 22, 1932) was an American attorney, publisher, author, and pioneer of the New Thought movement. He is the presumed author of the pseudonymous works attributed to '''Theron Q. Dumont''' and '''Yogi Ramacharaka'''. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * When the student is ready the teacher appears. ** ''Fourteen Lessons in Yogi Philosophy and Oriental Occultism'' (Chicago, IL: The Yogi Publication Society, 1905), ch. 14, pp. 270–271 (written under the pen-name "Yogi Ramacharaka") == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} [[Category:1862 births]] [[Category:1932 deaths]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Self-help writers from the United States]] [[Category:New Thought writers]] [[Category:Publishers from the United States]] 7k113dp3y99ciqnhg8p69qyp0fn4sbn 3954262 3954261 2026-06-18T20:11:11Z UDScott 4304 /* External links */ 3954262 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A portrait of Dr. Herbert A. Parkyn's protégé and New Thought author, William Walker Atkinson, in 1901 (cropped).png|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Walker Atkinson|William Walker Atkinson]]''' (December 5, 1862 – November 22, 1932) was an American attorney, publisher, author, and pioneer of the New Thought movement. He is the presumed author of the pseudonymous works attributed to '''Theron Q. Dumont''' and '''Yogi Ramacharaka'''. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * When the student is ready the teacher appears. ** ''Fourteen Lessons in Yogi Philosophy and Oriental Occultism'' (Chicago, IL: The Yogi Publication Society, 1905), ch. 14, pp. 270–271 (written under the pen-name "Yogi Ramacharaka") == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Atkinson, William Walker}} [[Category:1862 births]] [[Category:1932 deaths]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Self-help writers from the United States]] [[Category:New Thought writers]] [[Category:Publishers from the United States]] okx8xv66brh9i2odoq5dr3felrpk5km 3954263 3954262 2026-06-18T20:11:38Z UDScott 4304 added [[Category:People from Baltimore]] using [[Help:Gadget-HotCat|HotCat]] 3954263 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File:A portrait of Dr. Herbert A. Parkyn's protégé and New Thought author, William Walker Atkinson, in 1901 (cropped).png|thumb|]] '''[[w:William Walker Atkinson|William Walker Atkinson]]''' (December 5, 1862 – November 22, 1932) was an American attorney, publisher, author, and pioneer of the New Thought movement. He is the presumed author of the pseudonymous works attributed to '''Theron Q. Dumont''' and '''Yogi Ramacharaka'''. {{author-stub}} == Quotes == * When the student is ready the teacher appears. ** ''Fourteen Lessons in Yogi Philosophy and Oriental Occultism'' (Chicago, IL: The Yogi Publication Society, 1905), ch. 14, pp. 270–271 (written under the pen-name "Yogi Ramacharaka") == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Atkinson, William Walker}} [[Category:1862 births]] [[Category:1932 deaths]] [[Category:Mystics]] [[Category:Lawyers from the United States]] [[Category:Self-help writers from the United States]] [[Category:New Thought writers]] [[Category:Publishers from the United States]] [[Category:People from Baltimore]] eeoh1ffriyk54vztt9hck95busu5hvb 0 308458 3954258 2026-06-18T20:00:45Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "'''[[w:Te Whareumu|Te Whareumu]]''' (died 1828) was the ariki and warrior chief of Ngāti Manu, a hapū within the Ngāpuhi iwi based in the Bay of Islands in New Zealand. == Quotes == * "What punishment have you in England for thieves and runaways?"{{pb}}"After trial, flogging or hanging."{{pb}}"Then," he replied, "the only difference in our laws is, you flog and hang, but we shoot and [[Cannibalism in Oceania|eat]]." ** Conversation with the English artist w:August..." 3954258 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Te Whareumu|Te Whareumu]]''' (died 1828) was the ariki and warrior chief of Ngāti Manu, a hapū within the Ngāpuhi iwi based in the Bay of Islands in New Zealand. == Quotes == * "What punishment have you in England for thieves and runaways?"{{pb}}"After trial, flogging or hanging."{{pb}}"Then," he replied, "the only difference in our laws is, you flog and hang, but we shoot and [[Cannibalism in Oceania|eat]]." ** Conversation with the English artist [[w:Augustus Earle|Augustus Earle]], c. 1828. Reported in Wiremu Kane, [https://newsroom.co.nz/2023/02/05/on-the-maori-cannibalism-novel/ "On the Māori cannibalism novel"] [Review of [[Monty Soutar]], ''Kāwai: For Such a Time as This''], ''newsroom.co.nz'' (5 Feb. 2023) == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Te Whareumu}} [[Category:1828 deaths]] [[Category:Māori]] lfi3tw4c7acb6dq4oil5kc4l10mdh2j 0 308461 3954304 2026-06-18T21:57:27Z Gilldragon 2514030 Created page with "'''[[w:William Barber Tyler|]]''' (June 5, 1806 – June 18, 1849) was an American prelate of the Catholic Church who served as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Hartford|Diocese of Hartford]]. == Quotes == * Even if you could be sure of prosperity and all the blessings this world could afford, what comparison could they bear to the happiness or misery of eternity? Our time here at the longest is but short, and we are daily liable to the strokes of Death...." 3954304 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:William Barber Tyler|William Barber Tyler]]''' (June 5, 1806 – June 18, 1849) was an American prelate of the Catholic Church who served as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Hartford|Diocese of Hartford]]. == Quotes == * Even if you could be sure of prosperity and all the blessings this world could afford, what comparison could they bear to the happiness or misery of eternity? Our time here at the longest is but short, and we are daily liable to the strokes of Death. ** [https://archive.org/details/livesofdeceasedb02clar/page/279 ''Lives of the Deceased Bishops of the Catholic Church in the United States''] == External links== {{Wikipedia}} {{commonscat}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tyler, William Barber}} [[Category:1806 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Clergy from the United States]] [[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]] [[Category:1849 deaths]] g26boz4v3p8x1tfh6rxz1k6hlxqo1l5 3954309 3954304 2026-06-18T21:59:22Z Gilldragon 2514030 3954309 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:William Tyler (bishop)|William Barber Tyler]]''' (June 5, 1806 – June 18, 1849) was an American prelate of the Catholic Church who served as the bishop of the [[w:Roman Catholic Diocese of Hartford|Diocese of Hartford]]. == Quotes == * Even if you could be sure of prosperity and all the blessings this world could afford, what comparison could they bear to the happiness or misery of eternity? Our time here at the longest is but short, and we are daily liable to the strokes of Death. ** [https://archive.org/details/livesofdeceasedb02clar/page/279 ''Lives of the Deceased Bishops of the Catholic Church in the United States''] == External links== {{Wikipedia|William Tyler (bishop)}} {{commonscat|William Tyler (bishop)}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Tyler, William Barber}} [[Category:1806 births]] [[Category:Catholics from the United States]] [[Category:Clergy from the United States]] [[Category:Roman Catholic bishops]] [[Category:1849 deaths]] 4m4hlf9mrxyj5ia3tms5ow6xmxea8no 0 308462 3954319 2026-06-18T22:43:58Z Ficaia 3085955 Created page with "'''[[w:Christopher Durang|Christopher Ferdinand Durang]]''' (January 2, 1949 – April 2, 2024) was an American playwright known for works of outrageous and often absurd comedy. His work was especially popular in the 1980s, though his career seemed to get a second wind in the late 1990s. == Quotes == * Will this long presidency of [[George W. Bush]] ever be over? Living through it is starting to seem like some ghastly, upsetting novel in which the hero is the country,..." 3954319 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Christopher Durang|Christopher Ferdinand Durang]]''' (January 2, 1949 – April 2, 2024) was an American playwright known for works of outrageous and often absurd comedy. His work was especially popular in the 1980s, though his career seemed to get a second wind in the late 1990s. == Quotes == * Will this long presidency of [[George W. Bush]] ever be over? Living through it is starting to seem like some ghastly, upsetting novel in which the hero is the country, and the president is this disturbing, pig-headed, oblivious villain who makes things worse and worse and worse. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/will-bush-ever-get-his-co_b_57893 "Will Bush Ever Get His Comeuppance?"], ''The Huffington Post'' (July 26, 2007) === [[w:Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You|''Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You'']] (1979) === * It is a sin to follow your horoscope because only God knows the future and He won't tell us. Also, we can tell horoscopes are false because according to astrology, Christ would have been a Capricorn, and Capricorn people are cold, ambitious and attracted to Scorpio and Virgo, and we know that Christ was warm, loving, and not attracted to anybody. ** {{smallcaps|Sister}} === [[w:Laughing Wild|''Laughing Wild'']] (1987) === * Here is the key to existence. Are you all listening? Here is the key to existence; when I tell you this you will know how to run your lives. You will know if you have been living life to the full, and if you realize you haven't been, you will know immediately how to correct that state of affairs. As soon as I tell you the key to existence. Are you ready? ... ''Always breathe.'' That's the basis of life, breathing. That's basically the basis. If you don't breathe, you die. ** {{smallcaps|Woman}}, sc. i === [[w:Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike|''Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike'']] (2012) === * If everyone took anti-depressants, [[Chekhov]] would have nothing to write about. ** {{smallcaps|Sonia}}, act I, sc. i <!-- p. 12 --> * I need a life. I need a friend. I need a change. But nothing ever changes. ** {{smallcaps|Sonia}}, act I, sc. i <!-- p. 25 --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Durang, Christopher}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:People from New Jersey]] [[Category:People from Pennsylvania]] [[Category:LGBT people from the United States]] bwns44hwwhrk4pdtprw2f5xmapfgk55 3954320 3954319 2026-06-18T22:44:18Z Ficaia 3085955 3954320 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Christopher Durang|Christopher Ferdinand Durang]]''' (January 2, 1949 – April 2, 2024) was an American playwright known for works of outrageous and often absurd comedy. His work was especially popular in the 1980s, though his career seemed to get a second wind in the late 1990s. == Quotes == * Will this long presidency of [[George W. Bush]] ever be over? Living through it is starting to seem like some ghastly, upsetting novel in which the hero is the country, and the president is this disturbing, pig-headed, oblivious villain who makes things worse and worse and worse. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/will-bush-ever-get-his-co_b_57893 "Will Bush Ever Get His Comeuppance?"], ''The Huffington Post'' (July 26, 2007) === [[w:Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You|''Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You'']] (1979) === * It is a sin to follow your horoscope because only God knows the future and He won't tell us. Also, we can tell horoscopes are false because according to astrology, Christ would have been a Capricorn, and Capricorn people are cold, ambitious and attracted to Scorpio and Virgo, and we know that Christ was warm, loving, and not attracted to anybody. ** {{smallcaps|Sister}} === [[w:Laughing Wild|''Laughing Wild'']] (1987) === * Here is the key to existence. Are you all listening? Here is the key to existence; when I tell you this you will know how to run your lives. You will know if you have been living life to the full, and if you realize you haven't been, you will know immediately how to correct that state of affairs. As soon as I tell you the key to existence. Are you ready? ... ''Always breathe.'' That's the basis of life, breathing. That's basically the basis. If you don't breathe, you die. ** {{smallcaps|Woman}}, sc. i === [[w:Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike|''Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike'']] (2012) === * If everyone took anti-depressants, [[Chekhov]] would have nothing to write about. ** {{smallcaps|Sonia}}, act I, sc. i <!-- p. 12 --> * I need a life. I need a friend. I need a change. But nothing ever changes. ** {{smallcaps|Sonia}}, act I, sc. i <!-- p. 25 --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Durang, Christopher}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:People from New Jersey]] [[Category:People from Pennsylvania]] [[Category:LGBT people]] mk82d17hxr3xt9qbao5635doqkurkmc 3954322 3954320 2026-06-18T23:05:27Z Ollin Masa 3311333 3954322 wikitext text/x-wiki '''[[w:Christopher Durang|Christopher Ferdinand Durang]]''' (January 2, 1949 – April 2, 2024) was an American playwright known for works of outrageous and often absurd comedy. His work was especially popular in the 1980s, though his career seemed to get a second wind in the late 1990s. == Quotes == * Will this long presidency of [[George W. Bush]] ever be over? Living through it is starting to seem like some ghastly, upsetting novel in which the hero is the country, and the president is this disturbing, pig-headed, oblivious villain who makes things worse and worse and worse. ** [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/will-bush-ever-get-his-co_b_57893 "Will Bush Ever Get His Comeuppance?"], ''The Huffington Post'' (July 26, 2007) === [[w:Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You|''Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All for You'']] (1979) === * It is a sin to follow your horoscope because only God knows the future and He won't tell us. Also, we can tell horoscopes are false because according to astrology, Christ would have been a Capricorn, and Capricorn people are cold, ambitious and attracted to Scorpio and Virgo, and we know that Christ was warm, loving, and not attracted to anybody. ** {{smallcaps|Sister}} === [[w:Laughing Wild|''Laughing Wild'']] (1987) === * Here is the key to existence. Are you all listening? Here is the key to existence; when I tell you this you will know how to run your lives. You will know if you have been living life to the full, and if you realize you haven't been, you will know immediately how to correct that state of affairs. As soon as I tell you the key to existence. Are you ready? ... ''Always breathe.'' That's the basis of life, breathing. That's basically the basis. If you don't breathe, you die. ** {{smallcaps|Woman}}, sc. i === [[w:Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike|''Vanya and Sonia and Masha and Spike'']] (2012) === * If everyone took anti-depressants, [[Chekhov]] would have nothing to write about. ** {{smallcaps|Sonia}}, act I, sc. i <!-- p. 12 --> * I need a life. I need a friend. I need a change. But nothing ever changes. ** {{smallcaps|Sonia}}, act I, sc. i <!-- p. 25 --> == External links == * {{Wikipedia-inline}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Durang, Christopher}} [[Category:1949 births]] [[Category:2024 deaths]] [[Category:Actors from the United States]] [[Category:Playwrights from the United States]] [[Category:Screenwriters from the United States]] [[Category:Educators from the United States]] [[Category:People from New Jersey]] [[Category:People from Pennsylvania]] [[Category:LGBT people]] cipq09jritlsdtz4msa5devmr0buw4o 4 308463 3954332 2026-06-18T23:58:29Z Kalki 71 Created page with "{{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Freedom Sun(g).jpg | image1px = 292px | image2 = President and First Lady Obama watch fireworks 07-04-09.jpg | image2px = 292px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Juneteenth]] has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. It's an affirmation that despite the most [[painful]] parts of our [[history]], [[change]] is [[possible]] –– and there..." 3954332 wikitext text/x-wiki {{Wikiquote:Quote of the day/Template | image1 = Freedom Sun(g).jpg | image1px = 292px | image2 = President and First Lady Obama watch fireworks 07-04-09.jpg | image2px = 292px | quote = <!-- ⨀ <br /> --> [[Juneteenth]] has never been a [[celebration]] of [[victory]], or an [[acceptance]] of the way things are. It's a celebration of [[progress]]. It's an affirmation that despite the most [[painful]] parts of our [[history]], [[change]] is [[possible]] –– and there is still so much [[work]] to do. | author = Barack Obama }} 3jr3vhvbsiuzd7osvw0o7oeh37ucbxq 0 308464 3954343 2026-06-19T02:34:54Z ~2026-23894-70 3312254 Created page with "'''''{{w|Toy Story 5}}''''' is a 2026 animated film and the fifth installment of the ''Toy Story'' film series. Jessie (Joan Cusack) assumes the role as the leader of Bonnie's toy group while facing the situation of every childrens' current playtime today: technology. == Dialogue == :''[while confronting Bonnie's tablet, Lilypad]'' :'''Jessie''': I'm gonna have some words with this Lilypad and and let her know how things are run around here. :'''Buzz''': Try to stay cal..." 3954343 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''{{w|Toy Story 5}}''''' is a 2026 animated film and the fifth installment of the ''Toy Story'' film series. Jessie (Joan Cusack) assumes the role as the leader of Bonnie's toy group while facing the situation of every childrens' current playtime today: technology. == Dialogue == :''[while confronting Bonnie's tablet, Lilypad]'' :'''Jessie''': I'm gonna have some words with this Lilypad and and let her know how things are run around here. :'''Buzz''': Try to stay calm, Jessie. :'''Jessie''': Buzz, you know me. I'm the definition of calm. ''[tosses Bullseye up to the bed in anger jumps on it to confront her]'' :'''Buzz''': Eh, it's not gonna work. :''[Jessie approaches the tablet who was sleeping]'' :'''Lilypad''': ''[wakes up]'' Hi! :'''Jessie''': ''[surprised]'' What the?! :'''Lilypad''': Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you, sleep mode ya know? No? Ah, forget it. Was just gonna hop on the charger, battery could use a little refresh... ==External links== {{wikipedia-inline}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:2026 films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:Computer-animated films]] [[Category:American films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] 39fvdmstjonmiudo9uc7nyae2cot0ct 3954351 3954343 2026-06-19T04:20:13Z Bszabo15 1085757 3954351 wikitext text/x-wiki '''''{{w|Toy Story 5}}''''' is a 2026 animated film and a sequel to ''[[Toy Story 4]]''. It is the fifth installment of the ''Toy Story'' film series and about Jessie (Joan Cusack) assuming the role as the leader of Bonnie's toy group while facing the situation of every children's current playtime today: technology. :''Directed by {{w|Andrew Stanton}}. Written by Andrew Stanton and {{w|Kenna Harris}}.'' {{film-stub}} == Dialogue == :''[while confronting Bonnie's tablet, Lilypad]'' :'''Jessie''': I'm gonna have some words with this Lilypad and and let her know how things are run around here. :'''Buzz''': Try to stay calm, Jessie. :'''Jessie''': Buzz, you know me. I'm the definition of calm. ''[tosses Bullseye up to the bed in anger jumps on it to confront her]'' :'''Buzz''': Eh, it's not gonna work. :''[Jessie approaches the tablet who was sleeping]'' :'''Lilypad''': ''[wakes up]'' Hi! :'''Jessie''': ''[surprised]'' What the?! :'''Lilypad''': Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you, sleep mode ya know? No? Ah, forget it. Was just gonna hop on the charger, battery could use a little refresh... == Cast == * [[Tom Hanks]] - Woody * [[Tim Allen]] - Buzz Lightyear/Multi-Buzz * {{w|Joan Cusack}} - Jessie * {{w|Greta Lee}} - Lilypad * [[Conan O'Brien]] - Smarty Pants * {{w|Scarlett Spears}} - Bonnie * {{w|Shelby Rabara}} - Snappy * {{w|Mykal-Michelle Harris}} - Blaze Manoukian * {{w|Craig Robinson}} - Atlas * {{w|Lori Alan}} - Bonnie's mom * {{w|Jay Hernandez}} - Bonnie's dad * {{w|Bonnie Hunt}} - Dolly * {{w|Kristen Schaal}} - Trixie * {{w|Tony Hale}} - Forky * [[w:John Hopkins (actor)|John Hopkins]] - Mr. Pricklepants * {{w|Wallace Shawn}} - Rex * {{w|Ernie Hudson}} - Combat Carl * {{w|Krys Marshall}} - Blaze's mom * {{w|Jeff Bergman}} - Mr. Potato Head * {{w|Blake Clark}} - Slinky Dog * Anna Vocino - Mrs. Potato Head * {{w|Bad Bunny}} - Pizza with Sunglasses * {{w|Annie Potts}} - Bo Peep * {{w|Matty Matheson}} - Dr. Nutcase * {{w|John Ratzenberger}} - Hamm * [[Keanu Reeves]] - Duke Caboom * {{w|Melissa Villaseñor}} - Karen Beverly * {{w|Alan Cumming}} - Evil Bullseye * {{w|Jeff Pidgeon}} - Aliens * {{w|Tyla}} - Inflatable Flamingo ==External links== {{wikipedia-inline}} {{Toy Story}} [[Category:2026 American animated films]] [[Category:2026 computer-animated films]] [[Category:American 3D animated films]] [[Category:Adventure films]] [[Category:Toy Story]] [[Category:Comedy films]] [[Category:Fantasy films]] [[Category:American computer-animated films]] [[Category:Sequel films]] [[Category:Films directed by Andrew Stanton]] owu6rsvvv4t0lontzgwgy13k5nblgcf 0 308465 3954371 2026-06-19T09:32:55Z Joreberg 323041 Created the collection 3954371 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File: Itamar Ben Gvir 3 (cropped).jpg | thumb | right | Itamar Ben-Gvir (2022)]] '''Itamar Ben-Gvir''' (Hebrew: אִיתָמָר בֶּן גְּבִיר [itaˈmaʁ benˈgviʁ]; born 6 May 1976) is an Israeli politician and lawyer who has served as the minister of national security since 2022, except for a two-month gap in early 2025. He is the leader of Otzma Yehudit ("Jewish Power"), an Israeli far-right, Kahanist and anti-Arab party which won six seats in the 2022 legislative election and is part of the thirty-seventh government of Israel. == Quotes == * My right, my wife's, my children's, to roam the roads of Judea and Samaria are more important than the right of movement of the Arabs. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-66614459 "US condemns Israeli minister Ben Gvir's 'inflammatory' Palestinian comments"] ''BBC'' (August 25, 2023) * There is no such thing as a "Palestinian people"' ** [https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/2025-11-15/ty-article-live/trump-envoy-witkoff-reportedly-planning-meeting-with-top-hamas-official-on-gaza-cease-fire/0000019a-85bc-d3ce-a7de-f5bd83780000 "Live Updates Ben-Gvir: No Such Thing as a Palestinian People, Will Not Accept a 'Terrorist State'"] ''Haaretz'' (November 16, 2025) * Israel cannot stop the demolition of houses in southern Lebanon. We simply cannot stop, that's all. ** [https://www.aa.com.tr/en/middle-east/israel-cannot-stop-home-demolitions-in-southern-lebanon-ben-gvir/3970104 "Israel cannot stop home demolitions in southern Lebanon: Ben-Gvir"] ''Anadolu Ajansı'' (June 17, 2026) * For every tear of an Israeli mother, a thousand Lebanese mothers must weep. * All of Lebanon must burn. ** Said after four Israeli soldiers were killed in Lebanon during Israeli attacks, quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/2026/06/19/all-of-lebanon-must-burn-israeli-minister-says-after-idf-reports-four-soldiers-killed "'All of Lebanon must burn,' Israeli minister says after IDF reports four soldiers killed"] ''Euronews'' (June 19, 2026) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Itamar, Ben-Gvir}} [[Category:Living people]] f8k31le5irgnu29gvemoz2avgpuhpvv 3954372 3954371 2026-06-19T10:00:40Z Joreberg 323041 /* Quotes */ Hamas and those who support Hamas should all be destroyed 3954372 wikitext text/x-wiki [[File: Itamar Ben Gvir 3 (cropped).jpg | thumb | right | Itamar Ben-Gvir (2022)]] '''Itamar Ben-Gvir''' (Hebrew: אִיתָמָר בֶּן גְּבִיר [itaˈmaʁ benˈgviʁ]; born 6 May 1976) is an Israeli politician and lawyer who has served as the minister of national security since 2022, except for a two-month gap in early 2025. He is the leader of Otzma Yehudit ("Jewish Power"), an Israeli far-right, Kahanist and anti-Arab party which won six seats in the 2022 legislative election and is part of the thirty-seventh government of Israel. == Quotes == * My right, my wife's, my children's, to roam the roads of Judea and Samaria are more important than the right of movement of the Arabs. ** [https://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-66614459 "US condemns Israeli minister Ben Gvir's 'inflammatory' Palestinian comments"] ''BBC'' (August 25, 2023) * To be clear, when we say that Hamas should be destroyed, it also means those who celebrate, those who support, and those who hand out candy — they’re all terrorists and they should all be destroyed. ** [https://mecouncil.org/blog_posts/genocide-in-palestine-an-israeli-endgame-in-gaza-and-beyond/ "Genocide in Palestine? An Israeli Endgame in Gaza and Beyond"] ''Middle East Council on Global Affairs'' (November 20, 2023) * There is no such thing as a "Palestinian people"' ** [https://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/2025-11-15/ty-article-live/trump-envoy-witkoff-reportedly-planning-meeting-with-top-hamas-official-on-gaza-cease-fire/0000019a-85bc-d3ce-a7de-f5bd83780000 "Live Updates Ben-Gvir: No Such Thing as a Palestinian People, Will Not Accept a 'Terrorist State'"] ''Haaretz'' (November 16, 2025) * Israel cannot stop the demolition of houses in southern Lebanon. We simply cannot stop, that's all. ** [https://www.aa.com.tr/en/middle-east/israel-cannot-stop-home-demolitions-in-southern-lebanon-ben-gvir/3970104 "Israel cannot stop home demolitions in southern Lebanon: Ben-Gvir"] ''Anadolu Ajansı'' (June 17, 2026) * For every tear of an Israeli mother, a thousand Lebanese mothers must weep. * All of Lebanon must burn. ** Said after four Israeli soldiers were killed in Lebanon during Israeli attacks, quoted in [https://www.euronews.com/2026/06/19/all-of-lebanon-must-burn-israeli-minister-says-after-idf-reports-four-soldiers-killed "'All of Lebanon must burn,' Israeli minister says after IDF reports four soldiers killed"] ''Euronews'' (June 19, 2026) ==External links== {{wikipedia}} {{DEFAULTSORT:Itamar, Ben-Gvir}} [[Category:Living people]] 2syu0k7euq0ywirpqvf2gr3elcv4ugc